# My husband said if I have the balls, post about it here. So, I am. ****Update page 7, post #124



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I am so angry with my husband right now.

My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.

The disagreement:

My husband's father has planned a family get together for his wife's birthday at a restaurant. My problem is that it's a self-serve buffet restaurant. It is a huge place and usually packed with people. I don't want to go to a buffet restaurant due to Covid.

I have a health condition and if I get Covid, more likely than not, I will be hospitalized. My husband of course knows this and doesn't argue this point. I'm not so scared for myself if I get Covid and I'm hospitalized, but rather I'm concerned about how it would affect our children and running the household in general.

We have gotten together with his family at restaurants during the pandemic. But, it's been restaurants that are not self-serve buffets.

At the buffet restaurant, there will be food out in the open, shared serving utensils, people in line with you, and people possibly talking, laughing, coughing, sneezing...etc., and saliva or whatever droplets possibly getting on the food. I'm not some crazy paranoid person when it comes to Covid, but it is out of my comfort zone to go to a buffet restaurant and it's a risk I don't want to take. My husband feels it's not a risk.

I asked my husband to at least mention it to his dad, maybe his dad didn't think of it. Maybe another restaurant that's not a buffet can be chosen. But my husband refuses to mention it to his dad, saying his dad is paying for the birthday dinner so he (my husband) has no right to say anything about what restaurant is chosen. My husband also said I was causing a problem.

So that's the disagreement.

It's funny how something like this can snowball into something bigger. The problem now is more than just disagreeing. I absolutely hate someone raising their voice at me in anger and my husband and I do not communicate like that. Well, make that we normally don't because he raised his voice at me when he said the "balls" thing and then yelled everything he had to say instead of talking normally. I asked him why he was yelling at me and he replied, "I'm not yelling at you!", yelling at me again!

To me, I feel like trust has been broken in a way. Is this the new way things are going to be?

Seriously? Right now I wouldn't care if he went out for milk and never came back! I refuse to be treated by him with anything but respect. You can respectfully disagree. No need to raise your voice at me. I grew up in a home with a father who had an extremely bad temper, lots of yelling. My previous marriage was abusive. I want calm in my life.

It might sound like an overreaction but I feel like telling him to eff off and get out of the house. Everyone has their deal breakers and yelling at me even once might be too much. Also, it seems that the older I get, the less sh*t I am willing to accept from a man.

Normally I would go cry, boo hoo hoo, quietly by myself if I felt he hurt my feelings. So pathetic, right? Today I walked away feeling like I could spit nails! No tears! I think this man has confused a soft-spoken nice wife for weakness. I'm stronger than I think he will ever know. Unapologetically I will say that right now, I hate him. I don't even want to see his face.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable for not wanting to go to a buffet restaurant?
Any words of wisdom, epecially about the yelling thing?


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

,


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

-


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Unapologetically I will say that right now, I hate him. I don't even want to see his face.


Calm down. You cant possibly mean this. After one argument?!?


so_sweet said:


> Do you think I'm being unreasonable for not wanting to go to a buffet restaurant?


No you are not. I think if you arent BOTH comfortable attending then you should both stay away. I think you dont even need a reason. If you just didnt like buffet restaurants that ought to be good enough.

If you went and got Covid he would be devastated. 

Have all of you been vaxxed and boosted? Do you have access to antiviral meds in Canada?



so_sweet said:


> Any words of wisdom, epecially about the yelling thing?


How about “a quiet answer turneth away wrath”. How about returning kindness? It takes a flint and a steel to make sparks.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Fear of a buffet? Where does it end? Life has to go on. Covid is not going anywhere and we need to adapt and learn to live with it. Wear a mask while serving yourself and if concerned, only take the hot offerings.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Fear of a buffet? Where does it end? Life has to go on. Covid is not going anywhere and we need to adapt and learn to live with it. Wear a mask while serving yourself and if concerned, only take the hot offerings.


Amazing how well the conditioning worked, isn't it?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How big a risk it is, literally all of Dallas's cafeterias shut down and remain shut down due to the covid risk. My opinion, buffets are a health risk even before covid. Food sitting out, kids putting sticky hands in there, shared spatulas or spoons. 

That said, they no longer think covid is necessarily transmitted via food like they used to in the beginning. But it's still close quarters, shared things. 

Do you know if kids are having cafeteria meals again now? If so, then I'd say it's pretty much the same risk as that. 

I would go, but I'm going out to eat all the time now and have 2 shots/2 boosters. If you haven't had shots and boosters due to a health condition, not sure you should risk it. I'm sure everyone except your husband would understand. Have you had your shots and boosters? 

The biggest risk of getting it is from kids going to school or working with the ill. 

Anyway, it's up to you, not your husband, but I just hope you all have your shots/boosters.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> wisdom?
> Nothing in life is to be feared,
> it is only to be understood more
> so that we can fear less. - M. Curie
> ...


No. Death is how you lose your life.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I agree with your husband on the buffet. I disagree with your husband on yelling at you.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think your hubby should at least respect your thoughts on why does it have to be a buffet?

And tell your hubby he could offer to pay just out of courtesy.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Calm down. You cant possibly mean this. After one argument?!?


I think this is where I will admit to possibly having baggage from being in an abusive marriage. I feel yelling at me is kind of like abuse too? He has never yelled at me like that before. I don't want it to become a pattern. If I forgive and forget this time, am I teaching him it's okay to treat me like this? Maybe I'm just really angry with him right now. 


Rus47 said:


> No you are not. I think if you arent BOTH comfortable attending then you should both stay away. I think you dont even need a reason. If you just didnt like buffet restaurants that ought to be good enough.
> 
> If you went and got Covid he would be devastated.
> 
> Have all of you been vaxxed and boosted? Do you have access to antiviral meds in Canada?


Thank-you. Yes we are vaccinated and I do believe there are antiviral meds here in Canada.


Rus47 said:


> How about “a quiet answer turneth away wrath”. How about returning kindness? It takes a flint and a steel to make sparks.


Thanks for the good advice. I think I need to reread this when I'm not so upset with him.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My opinion, buffets are a health risk even before covid. Food sitting out, kids putting sticky hands in there, shared spatulas or spoons.


Agreed. Plus, ew.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Agreed. Plus, ew.


I'll still go to the casino one first chance I get . Has brisket.


----------



## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I am so angry with my husband right now.
> 
> My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.
> 
> ...


No, if you don’t want to go because it is a danger to you, then by all means stay home. Your father-in-law has planned a party for his wife and selected the restaurant. I wouldn’t expect him to make changes to accommodate anyone’s needs other than his wive’s. It’s his day to celebrate her! Buy a nice gift and card and have your husband take it to the luncheon. If your husband doesn’t plan to attend, then send a gift and nice birthday card.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I think this is where I will admit to possibly having baggage from being in an abusive marriage. I feel yelling at me is kind of like abuse too? He has never yelled at me like that before. I don't want it to become a pattern. If I forgive and forget this time, am I teaching him it's okay to treat me like this? Maybe I'm just really angry with him right now.
> 
> Thank-you. Yes we are vaccinated and I do believe there are antiviral meds here in Canada.
> 
> Thanks for the good advice. I think I need to reread this when I'm not so upset with him.


I will just say, wife n I both got covid variant 3 months after our second vaccination. We are considerably older than you and so more at risk of severe disease. We both decided we were done letting a virus control our life. So we live our lives as before the whole thing started. No fear here. Here, the drug stores have antivirals they are authorized to dispense to anyone who tests positive.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'll still go to the casino one first chance I get . Has brisket.


Brisket is important and hard to resist.


----------



## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Covid certainly has created it's share of relational issues... my marriage did not escape it either. 

I think level-headed people can look at your predicament in a normal way such as...

You have the option of going vs. not going. If you are over 60 or have some pre-existing conditions... then your husband should understand your non-attendance. (If you are below 60 and fail to have any pre-existing conditions, then your case isn't as strong.) Personally, I wouldn't care if my wife was in attendance for one of my parent's b-day dinners. She could say- 'I don't want to go.' I would have no problem with just that. 


However, I think you need to take a long walk around the block and gather yourself. 

EVERY spouse is going to raise their voice to the other at some point in time... that's human nature. I highly doubt this 'is the way things are going to be going forward.'

One final note- Your husband is correct... it is not his role to mention anything about the location of his father's choosing for the birthday dinner... especially since his father is footing the bill.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

so_sweet said:


> I am so angry with my husband right now.
> 
> My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.
> 
> ...


Anger aside, (your views are being influenced by harsh emotions right now), I can understand your hesitation especially since you are in an at risk group.

I can see your perspective and I can understand that he doesn't want to make his dad change his plans.

Now I'm not your husband and I'm not claiming what he should do but if I was faced with this, I would express your real concerns, which would be my concerns, to my father and mention that we might not be able to make it to the restaurant but would be happy to be involved with other activities later or before.

I also wouldn't mind letting the kiddos go without us if need be and spend time with my wife.

A caution that I'm tossing your way, however, is to not let this forum come between you and your husband.

There shouldn't be the space of a thread between you and your mate.

Your dealings with him do need to be very close, without others interfering with his will for you or yours for him.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think it’s unreasonable that you’d try to suggest his dad change the restaurant. Don’t go if you don’t feel comfortable. That’s your prerogative.

As for the yelling. Initially you stated that he raised his voice. I think raised voices do not equate to yelling. And he claimed he wasn’t yelling. Whereas you claim he was. Without knowing either of you, I couldn’t possibly know. However, it seems you are ‘triggered’ based on your past and your husband hasn’t interacted with you like this before. Based on what else you have shared of him, your reaction seems intense to now go straight to hating him (at the moment) and wanting to tell him to eff off and leave. I really don’t know. You have experienced scenarios before and so you may be well versed on what to look out for.

What I will offer though, is that in the 27 years with my husband we have needed to learn how to handle conflict. Right in the beginning I was a door-slammer. We had an argument. I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door. He came in and told me that wasn’t the way to be with him. I recognized what he was communicating about that was valid, and pretty much haven’t slammed a door since. Of course there’s still lots needed to be learned between us - from both sides - that have been (and are) a work in progress. Fundamentally, if we’re in conflict, we aim to recognize that we can disagree yet still be on the same team.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Here in the UK most of us are just living with covid now. I don't even think about it any more and we are both in our mid 60's and both have underlying health conditions. Husband has diabetes as well as other issues.
We went away recently to a place with a lot of people and all the meals were buffet style self service. Food was good, loads of children there, we were fine. We didn't worry at all about it.
The latest strains are mild and many don't even know they have it, or they just get cold like symptoms.

I really wouldn't worry, we have to get on with life and live as we usually do. We have wasted enough time as it is.

You are just as likely to be in contact with it in a normal restaurant or a supermarket. My feeling is that the vast majority of us have been in contact with it by now anyway, even if we haven't had it, or don't realise we have had it.

I would feel that it was right that we need to both go to such a family event, but that's me.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

If you are vaccinated and had the booster, I can't see why not going? 

Wear a mask, and take it off when dining.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As for being ‘strong’ and I don’t assign this sentiment to abusive relationships, there’s a consideration / philosophy that goes something like ‘It takes a soft front to have a strong back’.

_‘All too often our so–called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open, representing choiceless compassion. The place in your body where these two meet — strong back and soft front — is the brave, tender ground in which to root our caring deeply…’ - Joan Halifax._

I agree with @ConanHub. And right now you’re heightened with emotion. That’s okay. See how you feel when these emotions pass, which they will, and what can then be productive for you both.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


DownByTheRiver said:


> How big a risk it is, literally all of Dallas's cafeterias shut down and remain shut down due to the covid risk. My opinion, buffets are a health risk even before covid. Food sitting out, kids putting sticky hands in there, shared spatulas or spoons.
> 
> That said, they no longer think covid is necessarily transmitted via food like they used to in the beginning. But it's still close quarters, shared things.
> 
> ...


I agree about buffets, I've never really liked them. There isn't a cafeteria at my children's school. Where I live, I can remember one high school that had a cafeteria, but maybe they're more popular in other areas. I am vaccinated. I'm torn now whether or not I should just go. I don't know. Thanks for the reply.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I recall with a shudder a report of how a vomiting bug had been tracked to a certain restaurant. The cause? "Failure to properly clean and sanitise the food display area after a patron had vomited over the food platters."


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Anger aside, (your views are being influenced by harsh emotions right now), I can understand your hesitation especially since you are in an at risk group.
> 
> I can see your perspective and I can understand that he doesn't want to make his dad change his plans.
> 
> ...


As always, good advice. Thank-you, I appreciate it. 

I guess it was wrong of me to ask him to ask his dad to change the restaurant. His dad picked this particular restaurant because it's close to our house (they live about 45 minutes away), so I thought maybe not a big deal, but I can see that I was wrong about that!  

You're right, my post was influenced by harsh emotions! I think I need to think about everything with a cooler mindset. Thanks again.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> I agree about buffets, I've never really liked them. There isn't a cafeteria at my children's school. Where I live, I can remember one high school that had a cafeteria, but maybe they're more popular in other areas. I am vaccinated. I'm torn now whether or not I should just go. I don't know. Thanks for the reply.


The good thing is if you are current on vaccinations, even if you get it, the risks of it are much lower than they used to be. Most deaths are certainly all unvaccinated people now.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> You're right, my post was influenced by harsh emotions!


Sometimes it's therapeutic to get your rage out in a neutral place full of internet strangers who can tell you to calm down. Just don't take it too far. 😉


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I will just say, wife n I both got covid variant 3 months after our second vaccination. We are considerably older than you and so more at risk of severe disease. We both decided we were done letting a virus control our life. So we live our lives as before the whole thing started. No fear here. Here, the drug stores have antivirals they are authorized to dispense to anyone who tests positive.


The vaccines don't last that long anyway. We had the first 2 but neither of us wanted the booster because it was a mRNA jab.
I suspect most people have natural immunity now anyway.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

OP, it doesn't matter whether strangers on the internet believe that you should get over Covid and go. That's not anyone's decision to make but yours. What it comes down to is that you are not comfortable with the crowded buffet resturant and your H feels differently. Apologize to your H for your part in the argument, give him kiss and tell him that you have decided that it's best for you to stay home. No need to go into a lengthy explanation. From what you've posted, your H is well aware of your health risks. Best advice I've gotten in situations like this: "No" is a complete sentence.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> I think it’s unreasonable that you’d try to suggest his dad change the restaurant. Don’t go if you don’t feel comfortable. That’s your prerogative.
> 
> As for the yelling. Initially you stated that he raised his voice. I think raised voices do not equate to yelling. And he claimed he wasn’t yelling. Whereas you claim he was. Without knowing either of you, I couldn’t possibly know. However, it seems you are ‘triggered’ based on your past and your husband hasn’t interacted with you like this before. Based on what else you have shared of him, your reaction seems intense to now go straight to hating him (at the moment) and wanting to tell him to eff off and leave. I really don’t know. You have experienced scenarios before and so you may be well versed on what to look out for.
> 
> What I will offer though, is that in the 27 years with my husband we have needed to learn how to handle conflict. Right in the beginning I was a door-slammer. We had an argument. I stormed off and slammed the bedroom door. He came in and told me that wasn’t the way to be with him. I recognized what he was communicating about that was valid, and pretty much haven’t slammed a door since. Of course there’s still lots needed to be learned between us - from both sides - that have been (and are) a work in progress. Fundamentally, if we’re in conflict, we aim to recognize that we can disagree yet still be on the same team.


You're right, it's unreasonable. His dad picked the restaurant because it's close to our house, so I thought maybe it's not a big deal if it could be changed. But, I agree, I shouldn't expect or ask for him to change it. 

I guess I didn't explain properly in my OP. He raised his voice and yelled at me. He's never yelled at me like that ever before. To me it was like he was a monster. What I think made him yell like that was because it had to do with his family. He is sensitive to anyone talking about them. I guess he got offended by me asking why his dad can't change the restaurant. 

I am having a hard time letting go of him yelling at me. It makes me wonder if it's a sign of abuse. I will have to do some thinking with a cooler mind, I think. 

Thank-you for the advice.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> I am having a hard time letting go of him yelling at me. It makes me wonder if it's a sign of abuse.


I'll weigh in as a former abused spouse. No, it's not abuse if he "yells" at you once every five years or so. It IS abuse when it's a frequent occurrence that perpetuates a cycle. Name calling, yelling, shoving ... definitely abuse. It sounds like your husband was venting his frustration and nothing more.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

My wife has a friend with multiple sclerosis who has been freaked out about COVID since the very beginning and frequently talks on Facebook about how it will be a death sentence for her if she gets it and the great lengths her family is going to to prevent it including pulling her daughters out of school and making her husband isolate in a trailer next to the house. When she finally did get COVID it was a total non-event and she didn’t even get that sick. She conveniently ignored all the research that shows people with autoimmune diseases actually tend to have less mortality from COVID, if not at least the same as the general population.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> However, I think you need to take a long walk around the block and gather yourself.
> 
> EVERY spouse is going to raise their voice to the other at some point in time... that's human nature. I highly doubt this 'is the way things are going to be going forward.'


Yes, I think I do need to gather myself.
The thing is, he's never yelled at me like this before. We have disagreements and arguments of course but they don't normally involve yelling. I absolutely hate yelling. When he yelled at me today, I walked away when he was done. I guess I'm just shocked and surprised.


----------



## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

I totally understand why you wouldn't go, and agree that buffets were a health risk even before Covid. My husband used to get a stomachache every time we went to Golden Corral....years ago. Maybe you could politely explain your concerns to your husband's family and stay home? I think a reasonable person would understand your situation.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> As for being ‘strong’ and I don’t assign this sentiment to abusive relationships, there’s a consideration / philosophy that goes something like ‘It takes a soft front to have a strong back’.
> 
> _‘All too often our so–called strength comes from fear, not love; instead of having a strong back, many of us have a defended front shielding a weak spine. In other words, we walk around brittle and defensive, trying to conceal our lack of confidence. If we strengthen our backs, metaphorically speaking, and develop a spine that’s flexible but sturdy, then we can risk having a front that’s soft and open, representing choiceless compassion. The place in your body where these two meet — strong back and soft front — is the brave, tender ground in which to root our caring deeply…’ - Joan Halifax._
> 
> I agree with @ConanHub. And right now you’re heightened with emotion. That’s okay. See how you feel when these emotions pass, which they will, and what can then be productive for you both.


I read that quote a few times to really absorb what it meant. Thank-you so much for sharing it. And also thanks for saying it's okay to be heightend with emotion right now. Seriously, that helps.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Here in the UK most of us are just living with covid now. I don't even think about it any more and we are both in our mid 60's and both have underlying health conditions. Husband has diabetes as well as other issues.
> We went away recently to a place with a lot of people and all the meals were buffet style self service. Food was good, loads of children there, we were fine. We didn't worry at all about it.
> The latest strains are mild and many don't even know they have it, or they just get cold like symptoms.
> 
> ...


Diana, your post puts my fears to rest a little, especially the part where you had buffet meals and you were fine. If I don't go, my husband won't go either. I told him he could go without me, but he said he won't. I will have a talk with him tomorrow (he went to bed early) and let him know I will go. Just made that decision typing this!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Go to the restaurant, but order for yourself off of the menu.

.......................................................................

Having emotions is (for sure) better than having no emotions.

Imagine your husband, your lover, was ever so cool, never getting ruffled or excited.

Yes, like Mr. Spock.

Um.

Then you would be dealing with and kissing a robot, named Hubby. 

That does not seem inviting, nor enticing.

He got emotional, saying you are unreasonable.

You got emotional, in return, in your mind hating him, you wishing he never came back, maybe wishing him dead.

Why are your emotions valid and his are not?

Just Sayin'



_King Brian-_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do you realize that there's pretty much no evidence that Covid spreads through food?

And how exactly do you know that you will be hospitalized if you get it? There was a poll done last fall that suggested that people on the left greatly overestimate the hospitalization rate for those with covid, while those on the right are more likely to overestimate the danger of the vaccine. It has to do with how the various media outlets report it.

Going to a buffet vs a regular service restaurant is going to make zero difference in the already miniscule covid risk.

As has been pointed out there are other reasons to dislike buffets so if you just don't like them at least own that. If you're not comfortable going out that's up to you, but keep in mind that covid isn't going anywhere and covid hysteria has ruined relationships and friendships.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

There's a small additional risk of transmission that comes with standing in close proximity to a bunch of other people in the buffet line. But you can negate that by having your husband bring you a plate. Sounds like a good punishment for him yelling at you too.

If he does that it's pretty much like dining in a normal restaurant. As @lifeistooshort said, there's never been any evidence it can transmit through food.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


Prodigal said:


> I'll weigh in as a former abused spouse. No, it's not abuse if he "yells" at you once every five years or so. It IS abuse when it's a frequent occurrence that perpetuates a cycle. Name calling, yelling, shoving ... definitely abuse. It sounds like your husband was venting his frustration and nothing more.


I really appreciate your post. I'm sorry that you've been in an abusive marriage before (me too, this is my second marriage). I trust your words as you have been there. Although I have been there too, I think issues can be harder to figure out when it come to yourself, but can see things easier when giving advice to another. I hope that makes sense...My mind is kinda mush after all the emotions today. Thanks again.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Go to the restaurant, but order for yourself off of the menu.


Thank-you, I didn't even know that was an option.


SunCMars said:


> Why are your emotions valid and his are not?


Oh, his emotions are valid. I just didn't appreciate him yelling at me.


----------



## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You do you. Took a road trip today and saw someone wearing a mask alone in their car, about 15 miles from the nearest (small) town.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Do you realize that there's pretty much no evidence that Covid spreads through food?
> 
> And how exactly do you know that you will be hospitalized if you get it? There was a poll done last fall that suggested that people on the left greatly overestimate the hospitalization rate for those with covid, while those on the right are more likely to overestimate the danger of the vaccine. It has to do with how the various media outlets report it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice.

I'm actually going to go. I'm not a fan of buffets but it's not something that would stop me normally from going to one if I was invited by family or friends.

About hospitilization, I don't know for sure, but I've been told it's likely. I would hope I wouldn't be. However, come to think of it, I was told that at the beginning of the pandemic. But, things are a lot more under control now. You know, when I create a thread here at TAM, reading replies and posting always gets me thinking in the right direction! Thanks again for your post, it made me think.

Btw, just to explain a little, I think I was freaked out more because in my neighbourhood there have been new cases in the past few days and then being invited to a local buffet restaurant, it gave me a sense that it wouldn't be safe for me to go, however irrational that may sound.

Edited to clarify.


----------



## Dillinger (12 mo ago)

It's not OK for adults to yell at each other. It's even more not OK for a man to yell at a woman. 

I wouldn't go to a buffet right now. I love buffets. If you go, you will most likely be just fine.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So yelling isn't necessarily abuse. If it's used as a tactic to intimidate and shut down communication then it is. Some people have very healthy relationships and yell all the time, this is just how they communicate. If he was yelling in frustration or because you were yelling too I don't think it's abuse. You can be annoyed at his tone, even call him out, but calling it abuse is going to far in my opinion. 

As far as the party. How far along are they in the planning? If it's already planned out then it's unfair to ask them to change it. We are getting towards the end of Covid here so I don't think it's inconsiderate to have a party at even a buffet, though I am not a big fan. Even the Vegas ones are just OK.

That being said you can do a few things. First can you eat outside? Covid is atomized and spread through the air so being in a room full of a bunch of people will put you at risk, being outside really mitigates that risk. If you can't do that you can where an M95 mask, those masks are effective. Take if off when you eat put it back on when your done. It's not perfect but still better. Or you can not go, which to me when it comes to your health, is a reasonable choice. 

The good news is you are vaccinated (hopefully boostered) so that will put you at much less risk if you get it, but if you are in the high risk category it still is a risk. Being overweight is one of the biggest factors, if your pictures are resent it doesn't seem like you are. 

It you absolutely don't feel safe, don't go, plan something else separately with the parents.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks for the advice.
> 
> I'm actually going to go. I'm not a fan of buffets but it's not something that would stop me normally from going to one if I was invited by family or friends.
> 
> ...


When COVID first came out I wanted harsh measures worldwide, like just keep the damn thing contained. But everyone was so half-assed about it worldwide and it spread, then it mutated, and then its mutant strains spread even more, yadda yadda yadda. So at this point I'm so over it and don't give a sh-t anymore because no one gives a sh-t anyway so what's the point? You either contain it or you don't.









The world has failed so pathetically so meh, in Australia we made alot of sacrifices when we did the fortress approach, my industry suffered like nothing before and if it wasn't for the government lifeline we would have sunk. I lost so much of my old team, those who had been with me from the very beginning yet all that for what? Delta came in anyway, omicron came in too, now we have deltacron  and we are letting it rip now anyway yet with some lingering half-assed measures that ain't going to do anything and since it's never going to be contained anyway I'd say we have no choice but to face it.

You may be hospitalised, you may not, but let's face it - the world doesn't give a sh-t. Hell even your husband doesn't in this. Now lets say you don't go and he catches it from them and then what? He's just going to pass it to you anyway. So what's the point? I've come to accept that about the state of COVID and it just makes it easier moving forward, just my two cents. We really have no choice now but to face this virus and whatever new mutant strain head on IMO, the world has made its own choice.


----------



## Lynnsnake (Dec 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I am so angry with my husband right now.
> 
> My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.
> 
> ...


Don’t worry about Covid. We’ve been told by a potus that it’s like a bad cold, or the flu. It’ll be gone by Easter or when summer heat gets here. Really it can’t live in hot weather. No big deal.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> I am having a hard time letting go of him yelling at me. It makes me wonder if it's a sign of abuse. I will have to do some thinking with a cooler mind, I think.
> Thank-you for the advice.


Well, I'm mad at him too, not just the yelling but his indifference. Take some time to cool down, but he owes you an apology and you two need to have a talk to ensure this doesn't happen again. You came from an abusive marriage in the past and do not deserved to be triggered like this. I'm sure you two can work this out, if anything it's good this happened now so you two can nip it in the butt sooner rather than later.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll weigh in again, this time as a cancer survivor (yeah, I've been through lots of crap). My immune system can be somewhat funky, which is to be expected after receiving massive amounts of chemo. One of the long-term side effects from which I suffer is Vitamin D deficiency, which wrecks havoc on my immunity. I take 10,000 IU of D every day, and it helps.

That said, I wouldn't be keen on a buffet from a health standpoint. But, honestly, buffets aren't my cup of tea regardless. Would it be realistic to decline attending the buffet and have your husband's father and a few guests over to your home for a nice dinner?

P.S. - I honestly have no issue with eating at buffets out of a covid concern, but I find the idea of them yukky. JMO


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> My husband feels it's not a risk.
> 
> My husband also said I was causing a problem.
> 
> I refuse to be treated by him with anything but respect.


While I don't condone yelling, I was reflecting on your thread and then some arguments / disagreements that have occurred between my husband and I, as although we can come back quickly as the same team, we're still human and have our moments. While we don't typically yell and do not name-call (not that you have indicated that), it's not to say we haven't had our less than graceful interactions. It happens. It's okay that it happens, too. Doesn't mean writing-off the relationship. Nor does it mean that we're door-mats or the other's metaphorical punching-bag.

I think it's okay that your husband felt it's not a risk and that you did. You've started thinking differently about this now. That's okay too. Then again, you may still decide not to go. Your husband felt that you were causing a problem and he's entitled to feel that way as well. We also don't know your communication style - tone, delivery, and what was said.

As for refusing to be treated with anything but respect, I applied that notion to myself to see how I would feel. Sometimes when we feel backed into a corner, there's a default response that can emerge. I know that my 'default' is anger when I perceive injustice. It's like I can feel my blood boil and it's my cue to pay attention to my default response emerging and emotional regulation may be needed in that moment. An example in the way past, unrelated to Batman, was when a slightly intoxicated security guard came into the studio one night and unjustifiably started shouting at me. Oh my blood boiled and emotional regulation was out the window. I stood up and yelled at him to get the EFF out. Which he did. That's not my usual style with people, by the way. A meeting was called about that afterwards. As an adult, I've learned to adjust and reign myself in to hopefully be more productive. When feeling that 'default' response arising I'm aware of my breathing and consciously choose my words and actions, and typically and strangely, my voice lowers in tone at those times. Those moments aren't so much experienced within my marriage; it's actually more when I've advocated on behalf of someone else. Still, I know that default reaction can be there.

In saying all that, there was a moment last year I think where Batman and I were in the car together. I'd offered something intended to be helpful and he reacted disrespectfully. I didn't appreciate that. Yet I also have years upon years and daily life with him demonstrating respect towards me and us. He was having a moment. Okay. I didn't feel my blood boil but I was also aware that we could be in for an argument and which I didn't want. I don't avoid confrontation yet I told him straight that I wouldn't be engaging while he spoke to me like rubbish. I was also conscious of the focus being on driving safely. He continued a bit and I just told him, 'Nope, I'm not going there with you.' Sometimes I'm all for figuring out together what it's really about; that moment wasn't one of them. We got home, agreed to take a bit of space, and after a short while he came back and said he was being a d-head and apologized. Okay. It's not a consistent thing, he was just having a rare Bruce Wayne moment. And so, as much as we respect one another and demonstrate that the majority of the time, we _both_ also have Bruce Wayne moments.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> If he was yelling in frustration or because you were yelling too I don't think it's abuse.


I think he was yelling out of frustration? I didn't yell. I'm guessing he didn't like it when I asked if his dad could change the restaurant. He is sensitive about anyone talking about his family and maybe he assumed I was questioning or insulting his father's choice of restaurant. We didn't speak the rest of the day and he went to bed earlier than usual and, so I'm not sure what was going on in his mind. I am going to have a talk with him tomorrow.


sokillme said:


> As far as the party. How far along are they in the planning?


It's for this Saturday evening, so it's pretty soon.


sokillme said:


> First can you eat outside?


Good idea, but I think the weather might be too chilly in the evening.


sokillme said:


> If you can't do that you can where an M95 mask, those masks are effective.


I think you mean N95? Or is M95 something different?


sokillme said:


> Being overweight is one of the biggest factors, if your pictures are resent it doesn't seem like you are.


I'm slightly over 5'5" and 140 lbs, I don't think that's overweight, maybe a little chubby? I'm going to Google my BMI now! LOL. My profile picture is from December, it's a photo taken from a Christmas video I did for my husband.


sokillme said:


> It you absolutely don't feel safe, don't go, plan something else separately with the parents.


I'm going to go. He won't go without me and I know he wants to see his family.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Now lets say you don't go and he catches it from them and then what? He's just going to pass it to you anyway. So what's the point? I've come to accept that about the state of COVID and it just makes it easier moving forward, just my two cents. We really have no choice now but to face this virus and whatever new mutant strain head on IMO, the world has made its own choice.


I didn't think of what if he catches it at the restaurant. Good point. But he said if I don't go, he's not going to either. Good advice, thanks, you're right about having to face it.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sorry an afterthought about the respect comment - is there any chance he may have also felt you weren't demonstrating respect to listening to his views? I'm purposely trying to provide a balanced perspective of the interaction.

Also just remembered about a month ago where my husband and I had a disagreement. I took a moment to quickly reflect on what he perceived about me and my take, and yeah, completely valid. And so I expressed that to him and we discussed how we could get to a resolution as this was something that could be resolved. 

I'm confident the two of you can resolve this together.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I'm mad at him too, not just the yelling but his indifference. Take some time to cool down, but he owes you an apology and you two need to have a talk to ensure this doesn't happen again. You came from an abusive marriage in the past and do not deserved to be triggered like this. I'm sure you two can work this out, if anything it's good this happened now so you two can nip it in the butt sooner rather than later.


Thanks. I'm confident he will apologize, I have faith in him that he will. I think we can work this out but I can't say it won't be in the back of my mind that he will yell like this again. I wasn't scared when he yelled at me, but yeah, you put it well, triggered due to my previous marriage. Like wtf, I'm standing here facing another man yelling at me like a monster? Anyway, I agree, I do think we can work this out.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I'm standing here facing another man yelling at me like a monster?


I want to add the above makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. That there's something about me that makes even my second husband treat me that way. I know it's probably not sensible to think that way, but the thought crosses my mind.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> I want to add the above makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. That there's something about me that makes even my second husband treat me that way. I know it's probably not sensible to think that way, but the thought crosses my mind.


You've been together 15 years - I think I read that somewhere? You have spoken very highly of him previously. We don't know how irate he was with the yelling. You have been 'triggered' and you mentioned that he is defensive of his family. I wouldn't _expect_ an apology from him. I do think it would be helpful for you to express that yelling doesn't gel with you. Give him the opportunity to demonstrate whether that happens again. As has been raised in this thread, it's not a pattern with him. And yet, within reason, we all have our off moments. The dynamic cultivated in a relationship is just that; it's cultivated usually based on fast feedback shared with one another.

Did you receive therapy or support following your abusive relationship? I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship, and stayed with us for a visit a few years ago. During that visit, my husband and I didn't have an argument (we don't argue that often - there may be small disagreements at times) yet he essentially called me out on something. I listened, absorbed what he said, and recognized he had a valid point. Afterwards, she said how eye-opening that was to observe. As based on her past, she knew that if she'd been in my shoes, she would have responded defensively and was surprised with the calm that we demonstrated. I expressed to her that I trust his intentions and so I'm open to listening. It doesn't mean that I always agree with his assessment, yet in that instance, sure he had a good point. She's had therapy following her past and continues with.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> While I don't condone yelling, I was reflecting on your thread and then some arguments / disagreements that have occurred between my husband and I, as although we can come back quickly as the same team, we're still human and have our moments. While we don't typically yell and do not name-call (not that you have indicated that), it's not to say we haven't had our less than graceful interactions. It happens. It's okay that it happens, too. Doesn't mean writing-off the relationship. Nor does it mean that we're door-mats or the other's metaphorical punching-bag.
> 
> I think it's okay that your husband felt it's not a risk and that you did. You've started thinking differently about this now. That's okay too. Then again, you may still decide not to go. Your husband felt that you were causing a problem and he's entitled to feel that way as well. We also don't know your communication style - tone, delivery, and what was said.
> 
> ...


A Bruce Wayne moment, and that you both have them -- that made me smile. I thinking that my husband's yelling thing was just a one time thing, he's only human, right. But I will talk to him tomorrow after work to get things straightened out. 

I hope my husband is like your Batman and he apologizes too! 

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it really helps.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> A Bruce Wayne moment, and that you both have them -- that made me smile. I thinking that my husband's yelling thing was just a one time thing, he's only human, right. But I will talk to him tomorrow after work to get things straightened out.
> 
> I hope my husband is like your Batman and he apologizes too!
> 
> Thanks for sharing your experiences, it really helps.


I'm rooting for you both.

Don't expect or hope for an apology. If he gives one, great. However, what is more important (from my perspective at least) is that you express that yelling isn't conducive to how you are willing to deal with conflict.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> Sorry an afterthought about the respect comment - is there any chance he may have also felt you weren't demonstrating respect to listening to his views? I'm purposely trying to provide a balanced perspective of the interaction.
> 
> Also just remembered about a month ago where my husband and I had a disagreement. I took a moment to quickly reflect on what he perceived about me and my take, and yeah, completely valid. And so I expressed that to him and we discussed how we could get to a resolution as this was something that could be resolved.
> 
> I'm confident the two of you can resolve this together.


I'm guessing that he may have felt like I was speaking ill of his dad when I asked if his father could pick a different restaurant? I know he is sensitive about anyone talking about his family. And, also, perhaps he did think I wasn't listening to his views and thought that was disprectful of me. Wow, you're good at figuring out this kind of thing!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks. I'm confident he will apologize, I have faith in him that he will. I think we can work this out but I can't say it won't be in the back of my mind that he will yell like this again. I wasn't scared when he yelled at me, but yeah, you put it well, triggered due to my previous marriage. Like wtf, I'm standing here facing another man yelling at me like a monster? Anyway, I agree, I do think we can work this out.


I've always had fights with my exs (I'm bad tempered) but there comes a point when it can be too much, that's when you need to discuss ways to prevent it from happening again, pull the whole argument apart and find out what led both of you to lash out like that, work on those triggers, agree on time outs, and make it clear what crosses the line.

I still reckon your husband owes you an apology, sorry. Hell yes I would expect it. My ex expected it and rightfully so, a man needs to lay down his pride for the woman he loves. Full stop. I have a really bad temper actually but when I lash out it's actually a good thing lol - what normally happens is I absorb it and shutdown emotionally then I become like a coiled viper, taking a long time to return back to normal. It's one of several reasons we broke up, my emotional shutdowns with her triggering the dismissive avoidant side of me.

Work on what brings out the best in you two, not the worst. We are all flawed people and your husband may have fked up in this but he still sounds like a good man to me overall. Of course you two can work it out!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> You've been together 15 years - I think I read that somewhere? You have spoken very highly of him previously. We don't know how irate he was with the yelling. You have been 'triggered' and you mentioned that he is defensive of his family. I wouldn't _expect_ an apology from him. I do think it would be helpful for you to express that yelling doesn't gel with you. Give him the opportunity to demonstrate whether that happens again. As has been raised in this thread, it's not a pattern with him. And yet, within reason, we all have our off moments. The dynamic cultivated in a relationship is just that; it's cultivated usually based on fast feedback shared with one another.
> 
> Did you receive therapy or support following your abusive relationship? I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship, and stayed with us for a visit a few years ago. During that visit, my husband and I didn't have an argument (we don't argue that often - there may be small disagreements at times) yet he essentially called me out on something. I listened, absorbed what he said, and recognized he had a valid point. Afterwards, she said how eye-opening that was to observe. As based on her past, she knew that if she'd been in my shoes, she would have responded defensively and was surprised with the calm that we demonstrated. I expressed to her that I trust his intentions and so I'm open to listening. It doesn't mean that I always agree with his assessment, yet in that instance, sure he had a good point. She's had therapy following her past and continues with.


We've been married for 14 years and yes, I do think quite highly of him (when I have a cool mind!). He's normally a good husband. You're right, I have to give him the opportunity to demonstrate if it ever happens again. I have to say it did bring back bad memories (from my previous marriage) when he yelled at me today. I think that's why (in addition to being angry) in the OP I said I hated him, wouldn't care if he never came back home again...etc.

I did have therapy after my first marriage ended. I can see how your friend noticed the calm, you and Batman sound like you have a really good, healthy and strong marriage. 

Thank-you sooo much for taking the time to write to me, sharing your experiences and thoughts. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I think I owe you at least a coffee!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> We've been married for 14 years and yes, I do think quite highly of him (when I have a cool mind!). He's normally a good husband. You're right, I have to give him the opportunity to demonstrate if it ever happens again. I have to say it did bring back bad memories (from my previous marriage) when he yelled at me today. I think that's why (in addition to being angry) in the OP I said I hated him, wouldn't care if he never came back home again...etc.
> 
> I did have therapy after my first marriage ended. I can see how your friend noticed the calm, you and Batman sound like you have a really good, healthy and strong marriage.
> 
> Thank-you sooo much for taking the time to write to me, sharing your experiences and thoughts. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I think I owe you at least a coffee!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> We've been married for 14 years and yes, I do think quite highly of him (when I have a cool mind!). He's normally a good husband. You're right, I have to give him the opportunity to demonstrate if it ever happens again. I have to say it did bring back bad memories (from my previous marriage) when he yelled at me today. I think that's why (in addition to being angry) in the OP I said I hated him, wouldn't care if he never came back home again...etc.
> 
> I did have therapy after my first marriage ended. I can see how your friend noticed the calm, you and Batman sound like you have a really good, healthy and strong marriage.
> 
> Thank-you sooo much for taking the time to write to me, sharing your experiences and thoughts. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, I think I owe you at least a coffee!


All these years on the board and my first coffee offer... posting finally paid off!  Well, you sound like you're in a calmer state than your opening post. Cooler heads prevail, as they say. I look forward to hearing how you both navigate this. As relayed, I do think you both have opportunity to resolve this effectively. To add, I also respect the way you have considered the different perspectives and posts offered. From here, you need to determine what is right for you and hopefully for your marital dynamic _together_.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If your husband says together or nothing and he doesn’t go, that’s on him not you.

I never raise my voice at my wife. I can’t stand it. When she does it to me (infrequently) I say exactly what you said which is “please do not raise your voice at me” and then I stop engaging with her. Using this de-escalation tactic I have managed to avoid her pure rage scenario where she starts throwing things. I know it’s in there because she told me about it.

Then lastly, I wouldn’t worry about a buffet. Everyone will eventually get/be exposed to the virus. I have been eating at buffets for the last two weeks straight.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BTW one buffet technique I have seen people using is they have a third party (in this case your husband) make a plate for you. In this case you avoid a bunch of people and all the serving utensils.

I still think it’s fine to jump into the deep end of the pool now but I have been in Canada for the last two weeks and they’re still doing wacky things like wearing masks in a restaurant unless you’re sitting; so they’re pretty far behind the US in terms of getting through the pandemic.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I've always had fights with my exs (I'm bad tempered) but there comes a point when it can be too much, that's when you need to discuss ways to prevent it from happening again, pull the whole argument apart and find out what led both of you to lash out like that, work on those triggers, agree on time outs, and make it clear what crosses the line.
> 
> I still reckon your husband owes you an apology, sorry. Hell yes I would expect it. My ex expected it and rightfully so, a man needs to lay down his pride for the woman he loves. Full stop. I have a really bad temper actually but when I lash out it's actually a good thing lol - what normally happens is I absorb it and shutdown emotionally then I become like a coiled viper, taking a long time to return back to normal. It's one of several reasons we broke up, my emotional shutdowns with her triggering the dismissive avoidant side of me.
> 
> Work on what brings out the best in you two, not the worst. We are all flawed people and your husband may have fked up in this but he still sounds like a good man to me overall. Of course you two can work it out!


When we talk, my gut tells me we both will apologize (after all, we ARE Canadian. lol). 

It takes a lot to make me angry and I'm open to talking unless I've been deeply hurt (like today). Then I don't want to see that person, like I couldn't stand the sight of my husband earlier when I was angry with him Seeing him going about his business looking all cute (to me) pissed me off! LOL. I laugh now but at the time, not so much!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> When we talk, my gut tells me we both will apologize (after all, we ARE Canadian. lol).
> 
> It takes a lot to make me angry and I'm open to talking unless I've been deeply hurt (like today). Then I don't want to see that person, like I couldn't stand the sight of my husband earlier when I was angry with him Seeing him going about his business looking all cute (to me) pissed me off! LOL. I laugh now but at the time, not so much!


I'm sure you guys will 

I see this as a good thing, as it's an opportunity. My ex put up with my emotional shutdowns for 4 years, that's how much she loved me and tried to make it work. Aside from the fact that I hate being told to change I didn't change because she had always tolerated it. Like many I mistook patience for tolerance. Don't make the same mistake she did.

Nip it in the butt and always be working on your issues, never stagnate, always have growth, and you two will be fine.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> All these years on the board and my first coffee offer... posting finally paid off!


Oh, I find that hard to believe!  


heartsbeating said:


> Well, you sound like you're in a calmer state than your opening post. Cooler heads prevail, as they say.


Thanks to you and all of the people who have replied, I do have a cooler mindset now. Talking (typing) it out like this really helped. 


heartsbeating said:


> To add, I also respect the way you have considered the different perspectives and posts offered.


Thank-you. I appreciate all advice given to me.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> BTW one buffet technique I have seen people using is they have a third party (in this case your husband) make a plate for you. In this case you avoid a bunch of people and all the serving utensils.
> 
> I still think it’s fine to jump into the deep end of the pool now but I have been in Canada for the last two weeks and they’re still doing wacky things like wearing masks in a restaurant unless you’re sitting; so they’re pretty far behind the US in terms of getting through the pandemic.


It sounds like you know what it's like here then. Where I am, you don't have to wear a mask but I see many people still are. I'm going to go to the buffet and thanks for the tip!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I'm sure you guys will
> 
> I see this as a good thing, as it's an opportunity. My ex put up with my emotional shutdowns for 4 years, that's how much she loved me and tried to make it work. Aside from the fact that I hate being told to change I didn't change because she had always tolerated it. Like many I mistook patience for tolerance. Don't make the same mistake she did.
> 
> Nip it in the butt and always be working on your issues, never stagnate, always have growth, and you two will be fine.


Thanks and that's really good advice, I appreciate it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Diana, your post puts my fears to rest a little, especially the part where you had buffet meals and you were fine. If I don't go, my husband won't go either. I told him he could go without me, but he said he won't. I will have a talk with him tomorrow (he went to bed early) and let him know I will go. Just made that decision typing this!


Just make sure you wash your hands regularly, and take hand gel
I wonder why your hubby won't go if you don't?

I get it about the shouting. My first husband had a temper, I hate it too. My now husband is very laid back and patient. I couldn't have married again unless it was to a calm easy going guy.
When things have calmed down, try and bring up how the shouting made you feel. Thankfully it's very rare as you said so he seems to be extra sensitive about his family.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Thank-you, I didn't even know that was an option.
> 
> Oh, his emotions are valid. I just didn't appreciate him yelling at me.


I know about yelling, never repeatedly poke a Martian and not expect a response!

I am from Mars!
Near the Olympus Mons, in the Tharsis region.

That said, it is nice that you are a concerned person and not loud.
That is a fine feature in a female.


_[?]- _an un-named friend of _SCM_


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't go. I have asthma... no way I'm going to get hospitalised for a stupid buffet lunch. Not a risk worth taking, IMO. Your husband is an assh**** for shouting at you like that. I would be very angry too.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

First off breathe. I understand being upset but the two of you have let this escalate to a point where things could get really nasty if you both don't chill out and remember to hold your tongue. 

As for the situation. I understand your concern but I don't think it's your place to ask that the location be moved. If you don't want to go then don't go. Tell your FIL why and that as much as you'd like to go but out of health concerns you're going to sit this one out. Other guests may feel the same way and he may decide to move it to another restaurant. If he doesn't oh well but he along with your H should definitely respect your decision even if they're disappointed. 

As for your H yelling at you about this. Not cool. Hopefully a night of sleep has helped cool things down. Yes you're angry but this is NOT worth blowing up your marriage. 

Sit your H down and talk to him. You know communicate. This isn't about who's right and who's wrong. Try to find a solution and if it means you sitting the party out then that's just the way it has to be. You know you can go to the party and not eat. Eat before you go. Wear a mask and keep your distance. The most important thing is you do you.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I wouldn't go. I have asthma... no way I'm going to get hospitalised for a stupid buffet lunch. Not a risk worth taking, IMO. Your husband is an assh**** for shouting at you like that. I would be very angry too.







__





Some Types of Asthma Protect Against Severe COVID-19, And We May Finally Know Why


When the COVID-19 pandemic first began, those with chronic lung conditions like asthma were anxious about the disease being particularly severe for them.




www.sciencealert.com





I’ve treated MANY COVID patients. I’ve seen many die. I’ve also been shocked that the patients with COPD and asthma all seemed to do just fine with it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CallingDrLove said:


> __
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Pretty sure my asthmatic son had it a few months ago. He had a nasty sore throat and lost his voice and I didn't realize at the time that this is classic omicron.

It went away after a couple of weeks and neither his brother or I ever felt anything (we all live together). His asthma never bothered him.

It is bothering him now with the spring pollen.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CallingDrLove said:


> __
> 
> 
> 
> ...


yes, but I'm not going to take the risk based on 1 study...


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Geesh. Didn't read all the responses but this kind of rediculas dumb crap reminds me why I am so much happier being single and to stay that way.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I wouldn't go. I have asthma... no way I'm going to get hospitalised for a stupid buffet lunch. Not a risk worth taking, IMO. Your husband is an assh**** for shouting at you like that. I would be very angry too.


I also have asthma. It wouldn't worry me.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2&out said:


> Geesh. Didn't read all the responses but this kind of rediculas dumb crap reminds me why I am so much happier being single and to stay that way.


It's just one disagreement in an otherwise happy marriage.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> yes, but I'm not going to take the risk based on 1 study...


Do what you need but the human body is very complicated and often times what seems like a perfectly good assumption (ie COVID will be worse in a person with asthma) ends up not being the case at all.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CallingDrLove said:


> Do what you need but the human body is very complicated and often times what seems like a perfectly good assumption (ie COVID will be worse in a person with asthma) ends up not being the case at all.


I agree with you... I'm just not taking the risk... at least not until I find other large trials in my Inbox...


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I also have asthma. It wouldn't worry me.


Fine by me... I'm not saying I don't go out, just that there are better and less risky occasions to do it...


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CallingDrLove said:


> Do what you need but the human body is very complicated and often times what seems like a perfectly good assumption (ie COVID will be worse in a person with asthma) ends up not being the case at all.


One of my good friends is a very accomplished surgeon. He agrees with your recent medical comments. However, people believe what they want to believe. Why trust a medical doctor's experience or training? LOL


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> One of my good friends is a very accomplished surgeon. He agrees with your recent medical comments. However, people believe what they want to believe. Why trust a medical doctor's experience or training? LOL


This is a very superficial comment which doesn't help understanding Covid at all. It looks like you don't know how science works.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> This is a very superficial comment which doesn't help understanding Covid at all. It looks like you don't know how science works.


Since you know it all, I don't need to. I can just read your posts.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Since you know it all, I don't need to. I can just read your posts.


And I can read yours...


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I’m just trying to ease some unnecessary fears people have a COVID. The absolute worst demographic I took care of as far as mortality was unvaccinated obese males in their 40s with diabetes. If I was in that demographic (well I am minus the diabetes and unvaccinated part) I’d be worried about COVID.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you don’t want to go, your husband should respect that. Just a few months ago, mask mandates were still in place at grocery stores etc so it’s not like Covid happened ten years ago and it’s way behind us. What strikes me about your post is I wonder if your husband has some anxiety about going to the buffet/birthday too, maybe not about Covid but just in general. Sometimes people lash out at the ones they love because they’re holding in something.

I’m just guessing but I don’t appreciate yelling either and I think that’s where the heart of the issue lies for you. But, if this is a one off time, give your husband some grace. (He should apologize though because there’s no reason to get angry just because you don’t want to go.)


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m just trying to ease some unnecessary fears people have a COVID. The absolute worst demographic I took care of as far as mortality was unvaccinated obese males in their 40s with diabetes. If I was in that demographic (well I am minus the diabetes and unvaccinated part) I’d be worried about COVID.


That's very difficult to do once the hysteria seed had been planted and fertilized. It's been a real problem for Democrat strategists because the far left base is so terrified that they're not ready to see restrictions lift but the middle, who they need for reelection, is tired of it. Once hysteria is entrenched its almost impossible foe people to think rationally.

This is a risk management issue, which is my field of work. Most people are unaware of the amount of risk they actually face every day, but those risks aren't thrown in their faces regularly.

Guaranteed if the media started reporting like this:

500 new car crashes reported today
The number of cars allowed on the road at once is now limited because tens of thousands are projected to die I'm car crashes this year. New York recorded 5000 car deaths yesterday...oh wait, that aas really 6 months worth that got released at one time. But today they recorded another 200 car crashes. And by the way, if you're elderly or in poor health your odds of dying on said crashes goes way up so those people should never be in a car.

In FL, an average 509 car crashes are recorded daily (actual number).

If you pushed this in peoples faces enough they will eventually be terrified to drive. It's human nature. Of course we should take precautions....wear your seat belt, stay sober, stay off your phone, don't drive tired, etc but we're not going to stop driving.

Covid is not different. Manage your risk appropriately but make sure you think it through and base it on something logical, weighing all pros and cons.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's very difficult to do once the hysteria seed had been planted and fertilized. It's been a real problem for Democrat strategists because the far left base is so terrified that they're not ready to see restrictions lift but the middle, who they need for reelection, is tired of it. Once hysteria is entrenched its almost impossible foe people to think rationally.
> 
> This is a risk management issue, which is my field of work. Most people are unaware of the amount of risk they actually face every day, but those risks aren't thrown in their faces regularly.
> 
> ...


Our favorite quote is, I'll be there unless I get hit by a chicken truck. Every day is a risk, very true.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m just trying to ease some unnecessary fears people have a COVID. The absolute worst demographic I took care of as far as mortality was unvaccinated obese males in their 40s with diabetes. If I was in that demographic (well I am minus the diabetes and unvaccinated part) I’d be worried about COVID.


The more we worry and get stressed about it the more likely we are to get ill. As you know stress and anxiety is so bad for the body. 
I can understand that a small number of people have needed to be very careful, for example my SIL was having chemo for cancer through all this stuff and her immune system was very weak. For most people though, even ones with diabetes like Mr D and asthma like myself, we just need to be sensible about washing hands etc but after well over 2 years we can't hide away and worry forever. Like the flu we just need to get on with living with it.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m just trying to ease some unnecessary fears people have a COVID. The absolute worst demographic I took care of as far as mortality was unvaccinated obese males in their 40s with diabetes. If I was in that demographic (well I am minus the diabetes and unvaccinated part) I’d be worried about COVID.


I appreciate it. I don't have unnecessary fears. I've documented myself thoroughly and I'm well informed and can take my own decisions. I don't listen to politicians or care about their opinions regarding COVID. They are only interested in themselves and their careers.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I appreciate it. I don't have unnecessary fears. I've documented myself thoroughly and I'm well informed and can take my own decisions. I don't listen to politicians or care about their opinions regarding COVID. They are only interested in themselves and their careers.


You'll be debating @CallingDrLove forever now .🤣


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP I apologize as I haven't read most the responses but I do know many on this board don't think Covid is a big deal.

My opinion is I wouldn't go to a buffet either. We dine out occasionally but we usually go to a place that has outdoor seating.

Everyone in my family has a co-morbidity and my daughter has to have surgery in May so we don't want to catch covid no matter how mild. Many mild cases also lead to long covid and the official toll like increased diabetes and such is still being tallied.

I don't know why it would be a fight though. simply don't go. If your husband can't even approach his dad about going to a different restaurant that says something about his dismissal of your feelings.

My husband is still a little more gun shy than me right now but we find compromises. More importantly we don't let the rest of the world determine our actions. We have managed to not catch Covid in the 2 years it's been here. While I know it is inevitable at some point. I'd like that point to be when we have better medicines/treatments and outcomes. Or even better vaccines and never catch it. So yes I'm the freak who still wears a mask at the grocery store. But I"m not hurting anyone so I don't care if they don't like it.

Look around find a nice restraurant with outdoor seating and offer to pay for the meal. See if that works.

Why exactly is your husband so adamant about going to the buffet?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Our favorite quote is, I'll be there unless I get hit by a chicken truck. Every day is a risk, very true.


I'm always going on about being struck down by a duck truck.🙂


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You'll be debating @CallingDrLove forever now .🤣


Not really... I've learnt my lesson in the various COVID threads. I have no desire to get entangled in endless diatribes which serve no purpose at the end of the day. 

Apologies to @Sfort for being somewhat direct in my comment.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think it's should be more about respect than anything else. She said she is uncomfortable with going out of fear for her health. I think that is a good enough reason in itself regardless if it's fear of catching Covid, flu, food poisoning, or even something as trivial as fear of getting overheated on a hot day..... But bottom line, we don't own our spouses and her concerns should be respected and I think she should simply say I am not attending.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think it's should be more about respect than anything else. She said she is uncomfortable with going out of fear for her health. I think that is a good enough reason in itself regardless if it's fear of catching Covid, flu, food poisoning, or even something as trivial as fear of getting overheated on a hot day..... But bottom line, we don't own our spouses and her concerns should be respected and I think she should simply say I am not attending.


I do generally agree with this, but there can and should be a calm discussion if one feels the concern has no basis in reality, or creates a situation where your life is being severely restricted. For example, would you go along with your wife no longer wanting to drive somewhere with you because there is a risk of an accident with no discussion about it?


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You'll be debating @CallingDrLove forever now .🤣


Oh, I’ve got no time for that. The arguing I’ve done here has been very minimal. I took down my Facebook page because the hospital CEO was getting complaints. Now in all fairness the person complaining accused me of killing every person in our county that died of COVID because we weren’t ordering Ivermectin in the hospital. Never mind the fact that I didn’t take care of the majority of those people and even the studies that showed improvement with Ivermectin had a number needed to treat of 8 (treat 8 patients in order to save one life). I looked down at my Apple Watch after that interaction and my heart rate was 150. Keep in mind this “Karen” threatened to divorce her husband because he got the vaccine. Anyway, people will think what they want.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Trust me I know COVID anxiety very well. March of 2020 was a very difficult time for me. Based on what I was hearing out of China I was really worried. I truly believed I would be dead in a few weeks because it was my job to take care of sick people and I wasn’t going to run away from that duty. On my days off I spent a lot of time hiking and praying, there were lots of tears shed on those hikes. I finally got peace about the situation but I was having near panic attacks at one point.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CallingDrLove said:


> Oh, I’ve got no time for that. The arguing I’ve done here has been very minimal. I took down my Facebook page because the hospital CEO was getting complaints. Now in all fairness the person complaining accused me of killing every person in our county that died of COVID because we weren’t ordering Ivermectin in the hospital. Never mind the fact that I didn’t take care of the majority of those people and even the studies that showed improvement with Ivermectin had a number needed to treat of 8 (treat 8 patients in order to save one life). I looked down at my Apple Watch after that interaction and my heart rate was 150. Keep in mind this “Karen” threatened to divorce her husband because he got the vaccine. Anyway, people will think what they want.


You just made my point. Good luck to you.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

CallingDrLove said:


> Oh, I’ve got no time for that. The arguing I’ve done here has been very minimal. I took down my Facebook page because the hospital CEO was getting complaints. Now in all fairness the person complaining accused me of killing every person in our county that died of COVID because we weren’t ordering Ivermectin in the hospital. Never mind the fact that I didn’t take care of the majority of those people and even the studies that showed improvement with Ivermectin had a number needed to treat of 8 (treat 8 patients in order to save one life). I looked down at my Apple Watch after that interaction and my heart rate was 150. Keep in mind this “Karen” threatened to divorce her husband because he got the vaccine. Anyway, people will think what they want.




I can never work in a hospital, can't throw out karens from hospitals 😑 I would probably let her die too  - So full respect to those who work in such environments, saving lives even if they spit on you as you do it!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I can never work in a hospital, can't throw out karens from hospitals 😑 I would probably let her die too  - So full respect to those who work in such environments, saving lives even if they spit on you as you do it!


E.R's are pretty interesting to work in. There are also a lot of sexually charged women generally working there.😉


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You just made my





ConanHub said:


> E.R's are pretty interesting to work in. There are also a lot of sexually charged women generally working there.😉


Nurses in general. I remember a nurse at my first hospital job (before medical school) talking about all the guys on the local college track team she’d banged. Now that I think about it one of those guys went to medical school himself and then killed his neurosurgeon resident wife and jumped off the top of the dormitory.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CallingDrLove said:


> Nurses in general. I remember a nurse at my first hospital job (before medical school) talking about all the guys on the local college track team she’d banged. Now that I think about it one of those guys went to medical school himself and then killed his neurosurgeon resident wife and jumped off the top of the dormitory.


Well I was grinning until the last part.😵‍💫


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> E.R's are pretty interesting to work in. There are also a lot of sexually charged women generally working there.😉


Also ER nurses have this tendency to think that they are God’s gift to nursing and much like cross fitters and vegans they will blow an aneurysm if they can’t tell you they are an ER nurse within 15 seconds of meeting them.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Well I was grinning until the last part.😵‍💫


The guy was a 2 time Olympian in the triple jump.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

CallingDrLove said:


> Now that I think about it one of those guys went to medical school himself and then killed his neurosurgeon resident wife and jumped off the top of the dormitory.


Well, guess no one makes the jump the first time.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CallingDrLove said:


> Also ER nurses have this tendency to think that they are God’s gift to nursing and much like cross fitters and vegans they will blow an aneurysm if they can’t tell you they are an ER nurse within 15 seconds of meeting them.


They were fun to work with though. Gallows humor and sex on a stick made for a good atmosphere, at least for this barbarian.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Just make sure you wash your hands regularly, and take hand gel
> I wonder why your hubby won't go if you don't?
> 
> I get it about the shouting. My first husband had a temper, I hate it too. My now husband is very laid back and patient. I couldn't have married again unless it was to a calm easy going guy.
> When things have calmed down, try and bring up how the shouting made you feel. Thankfully it's very rare as you said so he seems to be extra sensitive about his family.


We've now spoken about it and he said he won't go without me because we're a family. I will post an update a bit later on when I have more than a few minutes at a time to post. 

I'm happy to hear your husband now is laid back and patient, he sounds like a great guy!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> We've now spoken about it and he said he won't go without me because we're a family. I will post an update a bit later on when I have more than a few minutes at a time to post.
> 
> I'm happy to hear your husband now is laid back and patient, he sounds like a great guy!


Waiting for his apology...


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Waiting for his apology...


He apologized and I did as well. 
I'll explain in more detail a little later on when I have a bit more time.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> He apologized and I did as well.
> I'll explain in more detail a little later on when I have a bit more time.


Ah glad to hear it!

That's when the healing begins


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @so_sweet i understand how you feel my wife of over 34 years is very high risk as well. Here is a solution my wife has actually done during the pandemic. How about you eat before you go then still go with your husband to the restaurant sit with your N95 mask on and visit with everyone. Also most buffet places around me also have menus to order from as well as a buffet. My wife had done this already on two occasions once with her family and once with my. I think that would be a much better (easier) solution than blowing up your marriage or causing a major problem from here on. Best of luck!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@so_sweet ,

I have an idea. Instead of entering the "debate about COVID" and all that surrounds it, what if we made it something neutral: like whooping cough? 

If a bunch of people get together and someone in the group either had or has whooping cough or was in contact with someone who has or had whooping cough, the bacteria could be passed around. If you are a person who has known lung issues, it's not wise for you to contract whooping cough, because although it's not deadly for many people, for you, it could be far more serious. YOU know YOUR medical conditions and weaknesses. So even though many other folks in the family might look at the risk of whooping cough and say 'Oh it's worth the risk cuz it's not that serious'... for you it MAY BE serious and the risk outweighs the benefit of gathering. Even if you were to wash hands and take precautions, for you, whooping cough could be dangerous!

Now you don't really have any control over the folks who intend to gather, nor over the restaurant that they choose to gather in, but you do have control over your own self and your medical health. You don't HAVE TO share in the buffet line. You don't HAVE TO share plates, silverware, cups, or bowls. You can evaluate if there is an option for you to attend AND be mindful of your medical conditions, but if there is not, it is reasonable to not go. And if your husband chooses to also not go, that is HIS CHOICE...not yours. He's free to go or not go or adapt or any other option, and you aren't controlling him one iota. 

So take a breath. Think of the medical history that YOU KNOW. Make your decision based on your own medical health. And allow him (and others) to make their own choices. I'd suggest thinking outside the box a little and trying to creatively adapt but also standing firm for your health. Make sense? Yes, try to think of it like "How could I go?" but also think of how you could go that would also keep you safe "from getting whooping cough".


----------



## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I am so angry with my husband right now.
> 
> My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.
> 
> ...


No, you aren't being unreasonable. Ignore everyone imposing their personal opinions about COVID. It is your life and you have every right to want to avoid contracting COVID. As a healthcare clinician who has seen the effects of COVID in the hospital the past 2 years..I would agree with you on not wanting to eat at a self serve buffet. It's perfectly OK that u are afraid to get sick or hospitalized or die..there's nothing abnormal about that at all. That's why I don't smoke or eat fast food or pop pills. It's not living in fear, its living with your own standards and beliefs. I would go..but probably wouldn't eat...unless you can order something from the kitchen.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Just my 2 cents, as OP indicated she will update. As I look back through my dating/marriage history, and think about the ridiculous arguments or disagreements that came about based upon the outcome of 'hypothetical' scenarios that could/may happen when attending whatever social event was on the agenda; not one of those hypotheticals that fomented the disagreement ever came to pass.

Usually whatever perpetuates or escalates the argument, has little or nothing to do with the subject of the argument itself. It is anchored to other stuff.

Presuming you have cleared the air, I'd make the following suggestion. Rather than declaring to your husband, " I really didn't like that you yelled at me." Try, something like, "Can you explain to me what exactly triggered your frustration when you raised your voice, or wondered if 'I had the balls' to post about this on the forum?"

In my professional online opinion, you triggered one another within the context of the argument. You didn't trigger one another regarding the content of the argument. In other words what made each of you angry. Yep. You were angry too ... wasn't about going to a buffet restaurant.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP I apologize as I haven't read most the responses but I do know many on this board don't think Covid is a big deal.
> 
> My opinion is I wouldn't go to a buffet either. We dine out occasionally but we usually go to a place that has outdoor seating.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thoughts and advice, I appreciate it. I hope your daughter's surgery goes really well and she recovers quickly. My husband and I had a talk today and I'm posting an update hopefully in just a bit. Thanks again.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I am trying to read all the posts before posting an update! There are so many to read--which I really, really appreciate! Thank-you!


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks for your thoughts and advice, I appreciate it. I hope your daughter's surgery goes really well and she recovers quickly. My husband and I had a talk today and I'm posting an update hopefully in just a bit. Thanks again.


I'm glad you two have worked it out. In my marriage it would be odd for both me and my husband to have something sooo important that we both take a rigid position. I found it odd that he didn't want to move the restaurant and he was unwilling to go alone. The yelling was also weird. 

I don't think this is a Covid issue as much as an inflexibility issue. You've offered to attend a different restaurant and you've offered to let him go without you. It seemed he as only happy if he got it exactly how he wanted it. I suspect when you update us there is a bigger different issue like he thinks you should just be over Covid or something.

ETA: my husband never yells at me so this would take me by surprise as well.


----------



## kgcolonel (Jun 28, 2018)

so_sweet said:


> If I forgive and forget this time, am I teaching him


You would be showing him grace and how you would like to be treated if and when you may step out of line. I have been married for 38 years....just discovered my wife has early on-set *alzheimer*/dementia. I am now trying to figure out how to add the most enrichment to her life before this disease takes her. Focus on what you can do for your marriage instead of acting out of fear for yourself.


so_sweet said:


> Yes, I think I do need to gather myself.
> The thing is, he's never yelled at me like this before. We have disagreements and arguments of course but they don't normally involve yelling. I absolutely hate yelling. When he yelled at me today, I walked away when he was done. I guess I'm just shocked and surprised.


I suspect his yelling (yes absolutely wrong) is coming from some place other than you just not feeling comfortable at this venue. You might (when things settle down) ask him, "Honey, this isn't like you, what about this situation drew these emotions from you? I really want to understand and work to avoid this going forward as it really hurt me." I hope this might help you make the most of your time together as I am trying to do with my wife.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> We've now spoken about it and he said he won't go without me because we're a family. I will post an update a bit later on when I have more than a few minutes at a time to post.
> 
> I'm happy to hear your husband now is laid back and patient, he sounds like a great guy!


He is, thanks.😊


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

As I got into bed last night, I told my husband that I will attend the birthday dinner. I didn’t want him to go to work and stress about it all day. He said, “Okay” and we both went to sleep.

Around mid-morning, my husband unexpectedly came home from work, coffee and honey cruller (my favourite!) AND Timbits (my second favourite!) in hand. We sat at the kitchen table and talked.

Just in case anyone missed it being mentioned earlier in this thread, I mentioned that my husband is sensitive to anyone talking about his family and gets defensive.

When I asked him "Why *can't* your dad pick another restaurant?", he heard "Why *didn't* your dad pick another restaurant?" and got defensive about it, thinking I was insulting his dad.

So, a misunderstanding happened there.

Also, in the same way (meaning standing by family), he would've missed out on going because he also said he wouldn't go without me. His reason, as he said, because “we are a family.”

So, I have realized that when I have said he is sensitive when it comes to “his family” I am included in that too. That means a lot to me. Besides my mom who lives about halfway across the country, whom I only speak to on the phone once in awhile, my husband and my children are my only family. Why that is (because I have siblings) is a long story that started when my previous marriage ended.

Yes, it’s true, he doesn’t feel it’s a risk going to the buffet restaurant, as mentioned in the OP. What wasn’t brought up during our argument yesterday was why he doesn’t feel that it is a risk.

I think sometimes a person has a reason in their mind why they feel a certain way and maybe they assume the other person already knows, or they don’t think to mention it?

When I asked him today why he felt it wasn’t a risk, he said because he will get the food for all of us (himself, me and the kids). He also told me that everyone must wear a mask there while lined up getting food, we will use hand sanitizer, AND if it made me feel better, he would even wipe down my chair and any surface I might be concerned about.

And that’s why he didn’t think it was a risk.

He never once said that I was being silly for worrying about Covid. It’s not really the culture here, anyway, to tell someone not to worry about Covid. You can wear a mask and no one will probably think anything of it even though you no longer must wear one.

In general, in Canada, it’s more of a live and let live culture – Much like our Prime Minister has previously said:

Snippet below from: Why do Canadians apologize so much?
_Shortly after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was elected he told The New York Times as much, 'There is no core identity, no mainstream in Canada,' he said. And it's this precise lack of central clarity that makes ours a pretty great culture where it's mostly possible to basically have a general attitude of 'live and let live' and 'hey, if you bump into me... well, I'm sorry I didn't mean to be in the way of you going about your life.' _

Anyway, sorry to go off-topic!

I apologized to him for asking him to ask his father to change the venue as I realized at least one reason it was wrong of me to say that was that it’s for this Saturday and for a somewhat large group of people, it could be near impossible, if not impossible to change the restaurant now.

Oh, and the reason my husband feels it’s important to go is that he has not seen his brothers, his sister, his nephew and other family in quite some time now. His family are good people and I wouldn’t blame my husband if he wanted to be around them every day if he could.

As for yelling at me, he had no excuse. All he could say was that he effed up and that he was sorry. When I said I didn’t want it to happen again, he said it wouldn’t and reminded me that in all these years, he has never yelled like that at me. I told him fair enough, as I found all of this as an acceptable explanation.

Then he made a joke and said something like he promises not to for at least another 14 years. And he was doing so well, LOL. I told him, “Don’t push it!” And that was that.

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate the help. I wish there was some way I could have given you front row seats to all of it as it happened, unfolded and the happy ending just so you could really see how you all helped me (once again) in my marriage.

Some people (in general) might think that I’ve been married 14 years, that’s long enough to have things figured out? Maybe I’m a slow learner because sometimes I don’t know what to make of something or what to do. I have no one IRL to ask and I’m grateful to have such a wonderful group of people here at TAM that so generously take the time to give me advice and support. Thank-you!!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My random thoughts are:
Your husband got hugely mad at you about the comment toward his dad…. I’ll bet you can’t imagine the rage he would direct at some idiot that said something offensive toward YOU.

A man that values his family as he does, abd makes it clear that you are in that circle…. Pretty priceless.

a man that can apologize and move forward is a reasonable man.

It bothered me a lot when reading your first page that you hated him in that moment…That’s rough.

you are a person that can be reasoned with and see other’s perspective— a valuable quality.

Just from my perspective, my thoughts….. if you’d asked him even in his worst anger if he loved you—- what would he say? I know what I’d have said…

if he’d have asked you—- what would you have said?

I thought you received some good posts.. both sides of the argument. Glad to see something positive ASAP result of a thread.

wishing you much happiness.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> As for yelling at me, he had no excuse. All he could say was that he effed up and that he was sorry. When I said I didn’t want it to happen again, he said it wouldn’t and reminded me that in all these years, he has never yelled like that at me. I told him fair enough, as I found all of this as an acceptable explanation.
> 
> Then he made a joke and said something like he promises not to for at least another 14 years. And he was doing so well, LOL. I told him, “Don’t push it!” And that was that.


Done deal, no excuses, he took responsibility for it, apologised, mentioned it won't happen again, affirmed it, and laughed it off.

You guys are fine! Have fun making up


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Deejo said:


> Just my 2 cents, as OP indicated she will update. As I look back through my dating/marriage history, and think about the ridiculous arguments or disagreements that came about based upon the outcome of 'hypothetical' scenarios that could/may happen when attending whatever social event was on the agenda; not one of those hypotheticals that fomented the disagreement ever came to pass.
> 
> Usually whatever perpetuates or escalates the argument, has little or nothing to do with the subject of the argument itself. It is anchored to other stuff.
> 
> ...


Hey, thanks for this. There's very valuable advice in your post, thank-you. I did post an update a little while ago. If you think something is missing on how it was handled or how it turned out, could you please let me know? Thanks again.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Glad things are moving in a positive direction for you OP. It's amazing how constructive a good conversation can be. But did you have to quote the Turd? Lol


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I still wouldn’t go…


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your husband got hugely mad at you about the comment toward his dad…. I’ll bet you can’t imagine the rage he would direct at some idiot that said something offensive toward YOU.
> 
> A man that values his family as he does, abd makes it clear that you are in that circle…. Pretty priceless.
> 
> a man that can apologize and move forward is a reasonable man.


Thanks for saying all of those nice things about him. He is a good husband.


Evinrude58 said:


> It bothered me a lot when reading your first page that you hated him in that moment…That’s rough.


I can't even read parts of my OP now, it makes me cringe. It wasn't my finest moment.


Evinrude58 said:


> you are a person that can be reasoned with and see other’s perspective— a valuable quality.


Thank-you.


Evinrude58 said:


> Just from my perspective, my thoughts….. if you’d asked him even in his worst anger if he loved you—- what would he say? I know what I’d have said…


Without a doubt, I know he would say he loved me.


Evinrude58 said:


> if he’d have asked you—- what would you have said?


The way I was feeling yesterday, I would not have wanted to say that I loved him at that time, but if he asked me, I would've said that I loved him.


Evinrude58 said:


> I thought you received some good posts.. both sides of the argument. Glad to see something positive ASAP result of a thread.


I agree, lots of good posts.
It's amazing how things can be so different in just one day. I was feeling so upset around this time yesterday and now everything is really nice and back to normal. Hubby has planned a nice evening for the two of us Saturday night after the birthday dinner and has been playfully teasing me about it. He often acts this playful way (which I love), especially when he's stress-free and happy. I have to say I'm pretty stress-free and happy too!


Evinrude58 said:


> wishing you much happiness.


Thank-you so much!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Glad things are moving in a positive direction for you OP. It's amazing how constructive a good conversation can be. But did you have to quote the Turd? Lol


Thank-you so much! 
And, LOL, that made me laugh a little as I have never heard of him referred to as the "Turd"! I don't know too much about politics, but I like him!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Presuming you have cleared the air, I'd make the following suggestion. Rather than declaring to your husband, " I really didn't like that you yelled at me." Try, something like, "Can you explain to me what exactly triggered your frustration when you raised your voice, or wondered if 'I had the balls' to post about this on the forum?"
> 
> In my professional online opinion, you triggered one another within the context of the argument. You didn't trigger one another regarding the content of the argument. In other words what made each of you angry. Yep. You were angry too ... wasn't about going to a buffet restaurant.


Based on this, I think you've done this negotiating conflict stuff successfully before. That is, good points and post!

I think even with the occasional 'off moment' there's stuff to learn about ourselves and our spouse/the dynamic. I've found often that learning occurs through kind of organic conversation and feel that my posts lack relaying that. It's rarely a case of one thing led to another, an apology, and all good. Instead, there's some kind of understanding and potential growth that can occur. Asking open questions framed to understand is certainly a healthy way to get there.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> Some people (in general) might think that I’ve been married 14 years, that’s long enough to have things figured out? Maybe I’m a slow learner because sometimes I don’t know what to make of something or what to do. I have no one IRL to ask and I’m grateful to have such a wonderful group of people here at TAM that so generously take the time to give me advice and support. Thank-you!!


I think anyone that would consider they have it all neatly figured out are high on their own supply.

The reason is that I consider cultivation of the _dynamic _is developed through essentially micro-decisions of actions and ways of being on the daily. That doesn't mean it needs to be hard work or anything, depending on one's definition of that; rather, that while there may be a foundation that is developed across the long-term, there's also life stuff that just occurs for all of us and requires navigating of some kind. Navigating that life stuff together is where forms of negotiation happens and with opportunity for adjustments in the relationship and 'dynamic' as we go. While there may be a type of constant that underpins the relationship, gaining various tools and learning or unlearning is part of growth.

Just this week, two scenarios of interactions have cropped up between my husband and I that I can tell you in the past would have been contentious. With one, he responded differently to how he has in the past. Pleasantly surprised, I chuckled and asked, 'Wait, what have you done with my husband?' He smiled and said, 'I've listened to you, I get it.' The other was more where I have listened and learned, and more aware of what he needs from me in that. In turn, he was very encouraging to express that progress; in a more natural way than sounds in type. If we'd been this way together all along, there wouldn't have been opportunity to learn and grow. And by no means do I intend to convey that we have everything figured out. Circle back to the above.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

This has been an interesting thread for me, for a number of reasons. 

Several posters have called out OP's husband for yelling. I come from a large family, Italian on one side, Jewish on the other. There were some incidents of abusive yelling, but for the most part, people just naturally raised their voices during a back and forth, regardless of the subject. Though it did get louder when it was a serious argument. The point I'm trying to make is that being loud in a disccusion wasn't an issue for anyone in my family. My H's family was just his mother, his elder brother, all of them very soft spoken people. In all the years I knew my MIL, I never once heard her raise her voice. 

During the early years of our marriage, I used to joke to my H about it. I would often say to him, "You think we're having an argument, but to me it's a discussion." Then we would laugh about it. Later on, when the problems in our marriage became serious, I realized that he used his ability to stay calm and quiet no matter what as a passive aggressive weapon. I would get upset, tearful, and frustrated. Then, of course, I would raise my voice. He would repeat his argument over and over at the same voice level, and I would get more and more upset. It usally ended with my retreat and nothing more was said on the subject. Rinse and repeat. It finally hit me one day when we were arguing in the kitchen when I, once again in tears, told him that I didn't think he even liked me. His logical response was that other people's opinion of you isn't something you should care about. It's what you think about yourself that matters. I looked at him dumbfounded, ready to scream, but I am your wife! It was at that moment I realized that he enjoyed provoking me. To him, staying quiet meant he won. I was the hysterical wife because I would get upset and raise my voice so my opinion could be discounted. He was the calm, cool, collected one which, in his mind, meant his opinion was more logical and right. 

I won't get into what was going on with us then, you can search some of my old threads, it was truly a horrific period in our marriage. To this day, I don't know how we were able to stay together. It took us years and a lot of MC and life events for both of us to own our mistakes and communicate more productively. Now my H reverts to passive aggresive behavior, I have learned not to take it personally which helps me calm down and be less anxious so I can better express myself and not back down. He's gotten better at seeing when he's being manipulative and actually listening to what I am trying to express. It's not easy for either of us, neither of us had good role models in our FOO. 

Just wanted to share that perspective on the issue of yelling. It's not always that cut and dry, with the yeller being the bad guy and the calm one being the good guy. Being quiet can be just as much a tool of disrespect as yelling if it's being done in a manipulative way. 

BTW, my H and I have no problem going to functions without each other, family and otherwise.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> I can't even read parts of my OP now, it makes me cringe. It wasn't my finest moment.


None of us are immune to reflections that make us cringe. (..ugh a generalization!)

What can you learn from it is the more valuable thing. As in, when and if you feel that way again and if you weren't to post on TAM about it, how do you then 'regulate' yourself to perhaps both acknowledge those feelings and then get to the next phase... and to more productive outcome with your husband? I don't mean for you to answer this necessarily here and now; just trying to provide a different way of considering that 'cringe' feeling and how it has the potential to be useful to you another time. As in, perhaps recognizing 'Ah I've had those thoughts before and then calmed and then felt differently and my husband was part of getting on the same team again..' or something like that. I don't know, I'm not as professional as @Deejo at this stuff. Hopefully you get my drift though.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Thank-you so much!
> And, LOL, that made me laugh a little as I have never heard of him referred to as the "Turd"! I don't know too much about politics, but I like him!


Wow, that's the first time I've ever heard of someone liking him but, obviously some do. Well too many actually lol. The Turd is the kindest thing I can call him. I absolutely loath him. Well, politics aside, good luck going forward.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> I think anyone that would consider they have it all neatly figured out are high on their own supply.
> 
> The reason is that I consider cultivation of the _dynamic _is developed through essentially micro-decisions of actions and ways of being on the daily. That doesn't mean it needs to be hard work or anything, depending on one's definition of that; rather, that while there may be a foundation that is developed across the long-term, there's also life stuff that just occurs for all of us and requires navigating of some kind. Navigating that life stuff together is where forms of negotiation happens and with opportunity for adjustments in the relationship and 'dynamic' as we go. While there may be a type of constant that underpins the relationship, gaining various tools and learning or unlearning is part of growth.
> 
> Just this week, two scenarios of interactions have cropped up between my husband and I that I can tell you in the past would have been contentious. With one, he responded differently to how he has in the past. Pleasantly surprised, I chuckled and asked, 'Wait, what have you done with my husband?' He smiled and said, 'I've listened to you, I get it.' The other was more where I have listened and learned, and more aware of what he needs from me in that. In turn, he was very encouraging to express that progress; in a more natural way than sounds in type. If we'd been this way together all along, there wouldn't have been opportunity to learn and grow. And by no means do I intend to convey that we have everything figured out. Circle back to the above.


Really good and really insightful information in this post. It makes so much sense as well. @heartsbeating, I often spend extra time reading and re-reading your posts so the info really sinks in. You always have a wealth of information to share. Thank-you!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

blahfridge said:


> This has been an interesting thread for me, for a number of reasons.
> 
> Several posters have called out OP's husband for yelling. I come from a large family, Italian on one side, Jewish on the other. There were some incidents of abusive yelling, but for the most part, people just naturally raised their voices during a back and forth, regardless of the subject. Though it did get louder when it was a serious argument. The point I'm trying to make is that being loud in a disccusion wasn't an issue for anyone in my family. My H's family was just his mother, his elder brother, all of them very soft spoken people. In all the years I knew my MIL, I never once heard her raise her voice.
> 
> ...


Thank-you for bringing this perspective to the table. I actually have never really thought about it that way. I agree that it's not always that cut and dry and I think you're right about being quiet in that way can be just as much of a tool of disrespect as yelling. 

For my husband, it was out of character for him to yell at me as neither one of us yell at each other.

I'd also like to say congratulations on successfully working on your marriage and still being together. I wish you both lots of happiness!


----------



## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP I apologize as I haven't read most the responses but I do know many on this board don't think Covid is a big deal.
> 
> My opinion is I wouldn't go to a buffet either. We dine out occasionally but we usually go to a place that has outdoor seating.
> 
> ...


You are not alone..lol..my family still wears mask in indoor public places. People can do what they want..but as a healthcare provider u lose sympathy and patience for those people who come in distress due to Covid..the same ones who were just posting on social media about how stupid everyone is to be worried and how they live in fear..etc... I take pride in knowing and being aware of what is going on in my country and around the world. Not because I live in fear..but because I choose to not live blindly with my head in the sand. I choose to not make every argument about religion or politics but base it on science and logic. Laws are being passed restricting women's rights that are based upon religion and men's personal opinions..when church and state are supposed to be separate...when we are supposed to have freedom to have our own beliefs..and when a MAN should have no say in what a women does with her body. The world is in disarray and every day it becomes a sadder place.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Just thought I'd update that the birthday dinner is cancelled. FIL's wife is not feeling well.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

so_sweet said:


> Just thought I'd update that the birthday dinner is cancelled. FIL's wife is not feeling well.


Oh my gosh, after all that.

Well at least if\when it gets rescheduled, you have it all worked out!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Oh my gosh, after all that.


I know, right?!


FloridaGuy1 said:


> Well at least if\when it gets rescheduled, you have it all worked out!


True!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Just thought I'd update that the birthday dinner is cancelled. FIL's wife is not feeling well.












Well, even more of a lesson for the two of you, now that you had a fight over nothing and made up...
Now not to have more fights over nothing in the future!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> View attachment 86268
> 
> 
> Well, even more of a lesson for the two of you, now that you had a fight over nothing and made up...
> Now not to have more fights over nothing in the future!


That meme made me laugh!!
And, well, trouble in paradise, so to speak. We seem to be arguing about something or another. We'll figure it out.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

We don’t go to buffets anymore, haven’t been for about 15 years.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ABHale said:


> We don’t go to buffets anymore, haven’t been for about 15 years.


I never eat off a buffet. Common sense.


----------



## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I wish more people had your attitude and I could have gotten into the Caesar’s Palace buffet last month.


----------



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

so_sweet said:


> I am so angry with my husband right now.
> 
> My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.
> 
> ...


Personally, the Covid thing wouldn’t bother me enough to not want to go to a buffet, and I’m pregnant, so I’m more immunocompromised right now than I normally would be. In fact I was just in the hospital a month or so ago for pneumonia. Although I think we should use common sense (hand washing, wearing a mask if you wish, etc.) I don’t believe in living in fear to the point of being afraid of doing everyday normal things because of Covid. Life has to go on at some point.

However, your feelings are your own and they’re certainly understandable although some of us may not agree with them. I don’t feel you’re being unreasonable in your request to have your husband ask his dad if he can choose a different restaurant. Maybe your husband thinks it will offend his dad if he requests a different restaurant but your husband needs to be more concerned with your comfort and well-being more than about whether or not he possibly offends someone for sticking up for you.

I am also triggered by the yelling thing. There’s something about a man raising his voice… in my case I think it’s because I remember my dad would raise his voice sometimes when he’d get upset. So you’re not alone in your feelings there either.

If I was in your shoes, I would tell my husband if he’s not willing to ask his dad to consider a different restaurant, either a) I will talk to his dad about it myself or b) stay home and husband can go by himself. As for the yelling, I’d have a discussion with him and let him know that you will not tolerate him raising his voice to you during disagreements. Let him know you will not be intimidated into doing what he wants. If he continues to do it, it’s up to you to decide what to do next. You can either live with it or you might decide to end up getting with someone else who treats you with more respect.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> _*Any words of wisdom, epecially about the yelling thing?*_


I'd be pretty mortified if my husband wanted *me* to ask my parents to completely *change* the entire dinner plan they've arranged just because my husband was being paranoid about Covid. I mean, how much longer are you going to live in fear? Covid is here to stay and the government has controlled everyone for so damned long that they're afraid to live their lives now.

Call the restaurant and see if you can order off-menu. Jeez, it might just be as simple as _that_. But it comes off SO incredibly self-entitled of you to think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to present this to his father and ask him to change the venue. I wouldn't do it either if I were your husband. I probably would have likely gotten hot under the collar with this ridiculous request too, like he did. Covid is here to stay so you'd better adapt. I'm compromised too but I'm not going to live my life in a bubble because of it.

You asked for opinions and that is mine.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'd be pretty mortified if my husband wanted *me* to ask my parents to completely *change* the entire dinner plan they've arranged just because my husband was being paranoid about Covid. I mean, how much longer are you going to live in fear? Covid is here to stay and the government has controlled everyone for so damned long that they're afraid to live their lives now.
> 
> Call the restaurant and see if you can order off-menu. Jeez, it might just be as simple as _that_. But it comes off SO incredibly self-entitled of you to think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to present this to his father and ask him to change the venue. I wouldn't do it if I were him, either.
> 
> ...


Yep, I did ask for opinions and I respect yours and agree with it too. I have realized that it was wrong of me to ask my husband if his dad could change the restaurant. Also, as I mentioned a little earlier in the thread, FIL's wife isn't feeling well, so the birthday dinner is cancelled.

Thank-you for your opinion and advice, I appreciate it.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

so_sweet said:


> Just thought I'd update that the birthday dinner is cancelled. FIL's wife is not feeling well.


Told'ya so ...
😁

With your permission, I'm going to dovetail off of this occurence and share one of my own. It just strikes me as being similar.

Woman I am dating and I had dinner on Tuesday night. Always enjoy one anothers company. Had fun. We tentatively discussed getting together this weekend. Nothing specific. Just indicated it would be nice to get together. She told me she had 'pickleball' on Sunday at 11 am. Otherwise she was wide open. Somehow I interpreted that statement as, she's suggesting we get together Sunday.
9 pm on Friday, I text her that I'm sick. Sweats, chills, diarrhea, vomiting. No idea if I ate something bad, or I have the ebola variant of covid. My kids aren't staying the weekend. I didn't get out of bed until noon today.
Got a text from her today that she's sorry I'm sick. Hopes I feel better, but that my notifying her on a Friday night was uncaring, and that I need to do a better job of communicating. She believed we were going to be getting together, today, Saturday. Quite obviously, she's upset and let me know it.

Now the savvy dater in me reads the text in two ways. First, she really wanted to see me, is disappointed that isn't going to happen and let me know so, in a rather indirect, and I would say, inappropriate manner.
My second interpretation is that she believes I'm not being honest with her, and (likely) as a result of having an ex-husband that deceived her for years, her guard is up.

I guess what I'm saying, is that this strikes me as one of those scenarios that is ripe for misunderstanding and a fight.

I am sick. I certainly didn't want to make her sick. I was actually trying to be responsible and thoughtful. But ... my text sure wasn't received that way.

I sent her a follow-up today basically stating what I did above, if she was just really disappointed, or believed I was lying to her.

She has been radio silent. No text or phone call response.

I guess my point is, that this strikes me as one of those odd interactions, where very suddenly, and surprisingly, there is a conflict.

I think it is great that you and your husband have spoken to one another, addressed the concerns and cleared up the misunderstandings.

Yet at the same time, your husband raising his voice was a big trigger for you. It led you to a place of evaluating your relationship in terms that you hadn't previously. At least that is the impression I got in reading your initial post. I recognize that you read your initial post quite differently now that things are being dealt with.

These are exactly the kind of micro-emotional-transactions that I just find fascinating in relationships.

I'm sitting smack in the middle of one right now. In my case, I am quite simply not emotionally invested enough to bend over backwards to 'fix' this. From my perspective, our fun, stable dating relationship now has red flags up on both sides, because I got a stomach bug. It's weird. Sad. And funny. This resolves in one of two ways; we talk, laugh about the misunderstanding and it breezes right by, or quite possibly ... it's over. Kind of wild when looking at the spectrum of outcomes.

I'm glad you and your husband reasonably worked through it.
Also glad the buffet dinner was put on hiatus.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

so_sweet said:


> Just thought I'd update that the birthday dinner is cancelled. FIL's wife is not feeling well.


Laughing at the irony.😁


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Deejo said:


> Told'ya so ...
> 😁
> 
> With your permission, I'm going to dovetail off of this occurence and share one of my own. It just strikes me as being similar.
> ...


While reading your post, I too thought that she meant she was good to meet specifically on Sunday. I think that maybe it's a mix of both that she really wanted to see you and is disappointed that you didn't let her know earlier than Friday and perhaps thinks you weren't completely honest . But if you got sick on Friday, how could you have let her know any earlier? It all sounds like a bit of a misunderstanding as well. I'm curious now how things will turn out, if you can, let us know!

Yes, you are right, I hated the yelling and it did make me evaluate things. And, yep, I don't even want to read my OP now, it feels so cringe!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Laughing at the irony.😁


LOL, me too!


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Yep, I did ask for opinions and I respect yours and agree with it too. I have realized that it was wrong of me to ask my husband if his dad could change the restaurant. Also, as I mentioned a little earlier in the thread, FIL's wife isn't feeling well, so the birthday dinner is cancelled.
> 
> Thank-you for your opinion and advice, I appreciate it.


Hope she gets to feeling better.

I had Covid back around the end of January. I have a few risk factors that could have made it really bad for me. My PCP wouldn’t even return my calls. Finally found a Dr willing to treat me. Zpack and a few other drugs and I was feeling great in 3 days. It took 2 1/2 weeks to find the Dr. During that time I had mild symptoms. Started a cough a day before treatment started.

Be careful but don’t let Covid keep you from living life.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Hope she gets to feeling better.
> 
> I had Covid back around the end of January. I have a few risk factors that could have made it really bad for me. My PCP wouldn’t even return my calls. Finally found a Dr willing to treat me. Zpack and a few other drugs and I was feeling great in 3 days. It took 2 1/2 weeks to find the Dr. During that time I had mild symptoms. Started a cough a day before treatment started.
> 
> Be careful but don’t let Covid keep you from living life.


Sorry it took you that long to find a doctor, but glad to hear you had mild symptoms and were feeling great in three days. Oh, and, thanks, I hope she feels better soon too!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Woman I am dating and I had dinner on Tuesday night. Always enjoy one anothers company. Had fun. We tentatively discussed getting together this weekend. Nothing specific. Just indicated it would be nice to get together. She told me she had 'pickleball' on Sunday at 11 am. Otherwise she was wide open. Somehow I interpreted that statement as, she's suggesting we get together Sunday.


I would interpret that she's free all weekend aside from time for 'pickleball' on Sunday.



Deejo said:


> 9 pm on Friday, I text her that I'm sick. Sweats, chills, diarrhea, vomiting. No idea if I ate something bad, or I have the ebola variant of covid. My kids aren't staying the weekend. I didn't get out of bed until noon today.
> Got a text from her today that she's sorry I'm sick. Hopes I feel better, but that my notifying her on a Friday night was uncaring, and that I need to do a better job of communicating. She believed we were going to be getting together, today, Saturday. Quite obviously, she's upset and let me know it.
> 
> I sent her a follow-up today basically stating what I did above, if she was just really disappointed, or believed I was lying to her.
> ...


WTF.



Deejo said:


> These are exactly the kind of micro-emotional-transactions that I just find fascinating in relationships.


So do I.

My goodness. I'm amazed by the reaction and then silence you received.

C'mon though @Deejo ...how was pickleball not the first red-flag? 

Nosy minds request an update. Most importantly though, take care of yourself and I hope you feel better and get well soon!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm feeling even more grateful for my friends right now. I had one text me a little while back suggesting we get together on Wednesday after work and to let her know what time was good. Somehow I misread the text as we'd sort arrangements Wednesday; not that we'd actually meet up that day. When I went back to her text on the Wednesday, I realized my mistake and reached out that I was sorry, and had misread the text. She wasn't phased and instead we arranged to meet that weekend instead.

Another a few months ago had texted suggesting we catch up for coffee a certain day. I'd had problems with my phone and by the time it was fixed was that very morning. I texted to apologize that I hadn't responded and missed the offer and explained about phone issues. Then thought that was lame of me to just text and so called her. Again, she was understanding and also said not to worry as she had just caught covid and would have cancelled that morning anyway. Instead we chatted on the phone for about an hour.

Despite how these scenarios sound, I'm generally pretty reliable. Yet also value understanding and acknowledge that stuff crops up from _both_ sides, and none of which is intended disrespectfully. I get these are friendships rather than dating / romantic relationships, however, there's still obviously dynamics within friendships. The friend where I had misread the text about Wednesday, well skip ahead, and I offered if she needed anything when her and her family recently caught covid. She had ordered groceries for delivery but they were going to arrive later than Easter Sunday morning. And so I delivered some supplies they needed until then, a pre-prepared meal, and Easter goodies to their home (without contact) so they could at least make the best of things until their delivery arrived; hot cross buns, chocolate eggs for the kids and such. Also dropped off hot coffee for her and husband as they hadn't had a barista-made coffee during that time. Quelle horreur! Conversely, when I put my back out a few months ago and even though I have Batman here, she asked if I needed her to run to the store for anti-inflammatory supplies or anything (which I didn't). There's a point in here somewhere. Or it could just be ramble.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm feeling even more grateful for my friends right now. I had one text me a little while back suggesting we get together on Wednesday after work and to let her know what time was good. Somehow I misread the text as we'd sort arrangements Wednesday; not that we'd actually meet up that day. When I went back to her text on the Wednesday, I realized my mistake and reached out that I was sorry, and had misread the text. She wasn't phased and instead we arranged to meet that weekend instead.
> 
> Another a few months ago had texted suggesting we catch up for coffee a certain day. I'd had problems with my phone and by the time it was fixed was that very morning. I texted to apologize that I hadn't responded and missed the offer and explained about phone issues. Then thought that was lame of me to just text and so called her. Again, she was understanding and also said not to worry as she had just caught covid and would have cancelled that morning anyway. Instead we chatted on the phone for about an hour.
> 
> Despite how these scenarios sound, I'm generally pretty reliable. Yet also value understanding and acknowledge that stuff crops up from _both_ sides, and none of which is intended disrespectfully. I get these are friendships rather than dating / romantic relationships, however, there's still obviously dynamics within friendships. The friend where I had misread the text about Wednesday, well skip ahead, and I offered if she needed anything when her and her family recently caught covid. She had ordered groceries for delivery but they were going to arrive later than Easter Sunday morning. And so I delivered some supplies they needed until then, a pre-prepared meal, and Easter goodies to their home (without contact) so they could at least make the best of things until their delivery arrived; hot cross buns, chocolate eggs for the kids and such. Also dropped off hot coffee for her and husband as they hadn't had a barista-made coffee during that time. Quelle horreur! Conversely, when I put my back out a few months ago and even though I have Batman here, she asked if I needed her to run to the store for anti-inflammatory supplies or anything (which I didn't). There's a point in here somewhere. Or it could just be ramble.


It sounds like both you and your friend are good friends to each other and good friends are often hard to find!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Perhaps Deejo is considering it more maturely than I would but I just can’t wrap my head around her reaction whatsoever.

Batman had to cancel the morning of lunch plans with his buddy and buddy’s son not so long ago as he was unwell. They dropped by after their lunch with a box of food from the place for him. When his buddy realised Batman was just laying on the couch watching a tv series, he said ‘Oh man, you’re THAT sick huh?’ (As in, that’s not typical of how he’d spend his day). He received the lunch and went back to the couch with it. Anyway, can’t wrap my head around the response to canceling due to being unwell.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> It sounds like both you and your friend are good friends to each other and good friends are often hard to find!


Gotta say, she is an absolute gem.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Deejo said:


> She has been radio silent. No text or phone call response.


That's a good thing since I think she is letting you dodge a bullet, 'cause her reaction reminds me of crazy.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Deejo said:


> She told me she had 'pickleball' on Sunday at 11 am.


Not pickleball again!  Mate, she sounds like a nutter...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Deejo and @so_sweet both dodged bullets due to an illness, it seems to me. A MIL and Deej.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> @Deejo and @so_sweet both dodged bullets due to an illness, it seems to me. A MIL and Deej.


I think you're right!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Crisis averted. She felt hurt, because in part she was wondering if she was being played for a sucker. Husband had a multi-year affair, in which gas-lighting and lying were big parts of the equation.
I'm always prepared for rational, and open communication to hit the wall hard, but I was glad it did not. My heart tells me this is a fundamentally good, and trusting person who got burned badly, and because she has feelings for me, I think she in turn was feeling vulnerable.

So, yes, much like in @so_sweet 's case, refreshingly, good old communication won the day.

Is she crazy?
I don't get that vibe at all. But, another indicator like this one in the near term, and I'll be moving on. 🙃


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Crisis averted. She felt hurt, because in part she was wondering if she was being played for a sucker. Husband had a multi-year affair, in which gas-lighting and lying were big parts of the equation.
> I'm always prepared for rational, and open communication to hit the wall hard, but I was glad it did not. My heart tells me this is a fundamentally good, and trusting person who got burned badly, and because she has feelings for me, I think she in turn was feeling vulnerable.
> 
> So, yes, much like in @so_sweet 's case, refreshingly, good old communication won the day.
> ...


Too complicated for this barbarian but glad it worked out.

I swear cavemen might have just had the right idea.🙄😉


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Deejo said:


> Crisis averted. She felt hurt, because in part she was wondering if she was being played for a sucker. Husband had a multi-year affair, in which gas-lighting and lying were big parts of the equation.
> I'm always prepared for rational, and open communication to hit the wall hard, but I was glad it did not. My heart tells me this is a fundamentally good, and trusting person who got burned badly, and because she has feelings for me, I think she in turn was feeling vulnerable.
> 
> So, yes, much like in @so_sweet 's case, refreshingly, good old communication won the day.
> ...


I feel so happy to read this update! I love love (or something that might lead to it).💗 It sounds like she likes you a lot.

I don't think she's crazy, just human.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Crisis averted. She felt hurt, because in part she was wondering if she was being played for a sucker. Husband had a multi-year affair, in which gas-lighting and lying were big parts of the equation.
> I'm always prepared for rational, and open communication to hit the wall hard, but I was glad it did not. My heart tells me this is a fundamentally good, and trusting person who got burned badly, and because she has feelings for me, I think she in turn was feeling vulnerable.
> 
> So, yes, much like in @so_sweet 's case, refreshingly, good old communication won the day.
> ...


Good to read your update and the understanding of what occurred with her realized. If it’s working for you for now, then groovy. I’m not a barbarian but it would likely feel too complicated to me too and this early on. Still, @ConanHub and I aren’t experiencing the emerging dynamic, and her as a person as you are, so maybe that’s easier said than done. Or not. I don’t know. Hope you’re physical ailments are getting better.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

When FIL called to say the bday dinner was cancelled, hubby told his dad that he hopes his wife feels better and also mentioned he had been looking forward to seeing everyone.

So, hubby has a birthday coming up. FIL called yesterday and told hubby that he has invited everyone to a birthday celebration for him...at the same buffet restaurant. 😳😆 LOL!! I am definitely seeing the humour in this!!


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I am so angry with my husband right now.
> 
> My husband and I are having a disagreement today. He knows I post here and said "If you have the balls, tell them about it online at that place", meaning here. He wasn't telling me to literally post here and ask which one of us is right or wrong in our disagreement, but rather he was assuming I'm being so unreasonable that anyone and everyone everywhere would disagree with me.
> 
> ...


If you feel that strongly about it, don’t go. It’s a personal choice to do these things. I can’t believe you two are arguing about something so silly. As far as what he said to you about posting here: sites like this are great, but when your S.O. feels like you’re spending more time communicating on the web to strangers then talking with them….. it can cause a problem. Not sure if that’s going on or not. Biased on other things you have said on here, you two have something special! A year from now you probably won’t remember if you even went to this dinner or why you were mad today! Good luck!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

kh4OffRoad said:


> If you feel that strongly about it, don’t go. It’s a personal choice to do these things. I can’t believe you two are arguing about something so silly. As far as what he said to you about posting here: sites like this are great, but when your S.O. feels like you’re spending more time communicating on the web to strangers then talking with them….. it can cause a problem. Not sure if that’s going on or not. Biased on other things you have said on here, you two have something special! A year from now you probably won’t remember if you even went to this dinner or why you were mad today! Good luck!


Hey, thanks so much for your thoughts. Everything is good now. Hubby and I had talk. The birthday dinner was cancelled because FIL's wife wasn't feeling well. Oh, hubby doesn't feel that I spend too much time online, here or otherwise. I appreciate your kind words and advice!


----------

