# Emotional Abuse and Exhausted



## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

Hi everyone, I am new here and am just looking for people who can share in my feelings and what I am going through.

I met my husband 10 years ago, we have been married 3. I just turned 30 he is also 30, no kids. Our relationship from the start was a rocky road. I fell for him initially because he has some great qualities, fun, charming, sociable, likable etc. As the relationship went on clear signs should have told me to run, and run fast. There are many many instances of his anger, emotional issues, drinking problem and verbal abuse and for whatever reason I hung in there believing that he could and would change. He would apologize, say he would work on it, and the cycle would continue.

Three years into the marriage things have not improved. The blow up was on my 30th birthday in a limo bus with 15 of our friends and we had an all out brawl episode. His best weapon is his mouth and he verbally attacked my best friend. It was a breaking point for me. I thought there must be something wrong with ME to be putting up with this so I got myself into therapy. 

I have been going to therapy myself for about 2 months and have had successful breakthroughs with myself and realized I am putting my own happiness aside to suit his needs and his happiness. I am finally realizing that I have enabled him all these years to emotionally and verbally abuse me. I am at a point where I do not know if he can or will ever change.

I 'lost it' over the weekend and broke down and told him I am not happy. I gave him an ultimatum of either we get into marriage counseling or I am done. He did everything he could to crack me like he normally does to believe he will fix things on his own. He twists it around that I am the cause of his drinking, or his anger and that I should be doing more for our marriage. I am not perfect in any way but this is a cycle and I feel no matter what I do its never enough to fully satisfy whatever he wants. 

I guess I am wondering since he has agreed to try ONE session of marriage counseling and go from there and he is saying all the nice nice and manipulative things to try to get me to come around again, is there really any hope for change? I have a session by myself with my therapist today but I am just reaching out in hopes others who have been in similar situations might have some insight.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Why are you not in Alanon? Why hasn't your therapist strongly urged to to attend meetings several times a week?

Get thee to Alanon and you will learn what you need to learn in order to cope with and deal with your husband.

Shame on your therapist!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would just leave, but I am picky like that.

Try the counseling, but seriously consider hanging it up if he doesn't show major willingness to change.

You have no kids. Why do you want to even deal with this?


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

I am at the point where I am not sure I want to deal with it. He started putting pressure on me to have a baby finally and thats when I cracked. 

Its hard to give up on 10 years and a person I was in love with at one time and still do have some good moments with at times. I am a pleaser and a fixer, all part of the things I am trying to work on with my therapist.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look to his actions, and ignore his words. But letting things stay status quo till after the first meeting might not be the end if the world. If he can leave you alone till then. Although what he thinks one session will fix is beyond me... The first session will likely be a "getting to know you" session. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

He doesnt think one session will fix anything, he doesnt think counseling will fix anything period. I guess I am hoping if he at least tries to go once something will 'click' if not then I guess I have my answer. 

I am extreamely distant and closed off right now which he doesnt like. He feel like since he is 'giving in to my command' and going to counseling I should just be happy go lucky and returning to 'normal' such as wanting to be around him, be happy, sleep with him etc. He is having a hard time giving me any space and I think that is because then he doesnt have the control over the situation.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't have a baby with him. That will just complicate everything.

I'm with jld on this I'm afraid, why do you even want to put any effort into this? There are better guys out there surely.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The ONLY cases I have ever seen, out of hundreds, where the man stopped being abusive was after the wife divorced him. 

Simply put, no, he will not change.

Not while you are living with him. Your odds are at about 0.01%.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book; it's the bible for abuse victims:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books


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## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

turnera said:


> Read this book; it's the bible for abuse victims:
> Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books


I just bought this book a few days ago and I cannot believe how accurate it is. Seriously it is like someone was a fly on the wall of my house writing about my H's behavior. Nearly every page is more than half covered in highlighting. I have read tons of books on abuse but this is by far the best in terms if describing the behaviors and in helping victims let to of the notion that the abuser doesn't know what he is doing. I hope to finish it tonight. Have learned tons but the one thing that sticks with me so far is that they rarely change. I think I was in denial of that but this book has opened my eyes to reality. Definitely read it if you can!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Airlight,



Don't underestimate his potential subconscious urge to impregnate you as a means to keep you mired in his dysfunctional theatrics.



Even though you might not be ready to leave him behind to find a healthy life-affirming relationship, the freedom you have to make decisions without children involved is priceless.



Personally, I would double up on birth control methods. 





Re. MC, it served a purpose in my case though it hasn't healed our marriage. Getting her to agree to MC took much energy. She resisted it in predictable ways -- forgetting and missing an appointment, missing half another or two. She complained about how inconvenient and expensive and unproductive it was.



Add to that it was uncomfortable for me at times as the therapist seemed to make some assumptions based on stereotypes, and didn't really latch on to the manipulative and abusive behavior that was going on -- that is, while the therapist was still trying to get to know us both.



Eventually, some emotionally abusive behavior of my wife's was explained to my wife by the therapist as being wrong. That felt like a good breakthrough -- but it didn't last.



Eventually my wife quit MC, she said, because it wasn't helping and she said she didn't want to go talk about her bad behavior.



I no longer care if she will pursue IC, or ever want to resume MC. What matters is she hasn't changed, continues to blame everything on me, and my patience is gone.



It cost me a year. I have maybe 20 or 30 left. That was a helluva price. I paid it because I have kids. I cannot recommend it for you, because your chances surely are better working on yourself and then finding someone who is capable of a truly loving and uplifting relationship and life.



Imagine loving someone who is able to love you back in the same precious ways. It can be yours.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

1. Recognize that if you get divorced he will blame you regardless of who is at fault. Get to the point where you don't need his approval. 

2. You have explained it to him pretty well. See if he changes and if not, you gave him the chance and need to move on with your life.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

Thank you for the replies everyone, it helps to hear it from other people. 

Over the past month we have spent and arm and a leg on individual counseling for both of us as well as marriage counseling sessions together.

He has significantly cut back on the drinking. However the anger still has not subsided if I do something he views as 'wrong'

His biggest issue with me, is my very close friendship with my best friend. Literally every time I see her it is a battle and an argument.

I can honestly say he IS trying to change his behavior but I am at the point now where even if he does change for good, I am still not convinced this is long lasting, I still am just not 'in love' with him. I feel like I am trying to change him into a person he will never be and thats not fair to either of us.

So its still a work in progress and I am still very much on the fence. I just wanted to give an update, its been a long month.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Abusers isolate their victims. Your friend means competition for him, so he will use every trick in his arsenal to get you to give her up.

I hope you have a deadline in mind.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

I gave it six months from the moment we started marriage counseling. 

He is on his high horse right now because he thinks he is doing so well, which yes he has been trying but a month doesnt change 10 years. So now I am being berated for going out twice a week with my friend and scolded as if he is my father. I very much keep in mind that he tries to isolate, he has never been able to accomplish this with my friendship which drives him crazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your IC for constructive steps to take when he's berating you. If he won't stop doing so, he isn't changing.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Airlight said:


> I gave it six months from the moment we started marriage counseling.
> 
> He is on his high horse right now because he thinks he is doing so well, which yes he has been trying but a month doesnt change 10 years. So now I am being berated for going out twice a week with my friend and scolded as if he is my father. I very much keep in mind that he tries to isolate, he has never been able to accomplish this with my friendship which drives him crazy.


What do you do when he berates you? Do you listen? I'm no counsellor, but knowing what I know.. i'd really work on staying calm, but clearly interrupting him, telling him you are not interested in being berated and if he doesn't stop, leave. I know easier said than done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The one time I stopped my H from doing that, he was yelling at me about some OTHER woman he was mad at! I just said "I don't deserve to be yelled at!" and left the room. He never did it again. Sometimes you just have to be obvious.


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## lakeside_town (Mar 7, 2014)

Hey, I'm in a marriage with an emotionally abusive man who will not change. We have 4 kids. I hope this post will not be too late for you as I do feel your husband wanting a child is to make sure you are bonded to him closer than you would be without children; so be wary. You should only have children when things are sorted out between the two of you. I should know. Our kids suffer from our constant fights.
Don't let him isolate you from your friends or family. Mine tried even though he denied. I still kept in touch because I knew it was abnormal he was rude when they offered invitations to him to have tea or dinner at their places.
It's not just competition but usually the controlling spouse will try to cut off your connections outside of his control, control the finances, call all the decision making shots but will say you made it together (it's called BS), and treat you like one of the children. Mine has gone as far as name-calling. He also punishes me indirectly by withholding sex and money or blaming me for small things when I've done something he doesn't like.
When you have kids, the mother usually ends up staying at home full-time and may not have a job/salary so the controlling behaviour will get worse.
It's harder to leave your spouse when you have kids to think about.
I hope you've sorted out your issues in the meantime.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

Thanks for the replies everyone, I truly do appreciate them. Here I am months later and I wanted to give an update because I truly believe we are at the end of the road with this. 

I have put up a concrete wall between he and I in fear of letting him in and being hurt again. He is on his best behavior right now, still with bad mixed in there, to try and break down that wall. 

Where are are today; We have been in marriage counseling as well as individual counseling for months. Things have gotten progressively worse, not better. I am completely emotionally shut down, I am not happy, I am depressed and I am desperately trying to get myself back. I am at the point where I am ready to say enough is enough, I want out. I did leave once and let him suck me back in, I have asked for separation twice and let him make all the nice promises to keep me. I want my own life, freedoms, emotional stability, mental health, my own hobbies, I just want to be happy. 

He knows this is coming to an end. He is doing EVERYTHING he can do to not get me to walk out that door. Sunday I saw a roller coaster of emotions in a matter of hours. It went from anger, to I am taking you to the cleaners in a divorce, to asking me if he can sleep with other people bc I will not give up sex right now, to literally sobbing and crying telling me he feels awful for hurting me the way he has for 10 years, to asking me for 'one last thing' which was sex (still wouldn't give in). I truly believe he has a form of personality disorder or some other mental health issue that I dont think will ever heal itself even IF he can put in tremendous amount of work and effort. 

We are now at the point where he has admitted to seeing some of the things he does and is, insecure, abusive towards others, drinking issue, anger etc. I just in my heart and soul feel like its all lies as much as I would like to believe him. I feel like tonight is the night I sit down with him and say I am leaving, I need to have time to sort my own thoughts out, he is constantly in my ear whether through talking or texting all day long. He is texting me now telling me that he WONT give up on our marriage, he is and always will be commited to making it work and he wont "let" me take the easy way out as he calls it. He is also trying to get me to question my happiness on the other side of the fence if I leave him. 

What an emotional rollercoaster this is, I am trying so hard to stay strong through this and do what I think is right but his sucking me back in makes me question EVERY time if he can truly change, yet every time its back to the same old thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Airlight, it doesn't matter if he SEES what he has done. That's easy, just words, and they don't keep you safe.

Move out. Move on. Let him try to pursue you from his own place while you are safe and rebuilding your self esteem in your own. If he really wants to, he can get help - from his own place - and maybe turn into someone you can date down the road. 

And if he won't do that work, you'll know you dodged a bullet by leaving.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

thank you, I needed to hear that. I am being inundated with promises of change, realizations of behavior etc but my gut is telling me once I am sucked back in, he wins, I open up, he gets comfortable, the behavior starts all over again and I am right back here with a bunch more wasted time and broken self.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh yes. 

If nothing else, look at it this way. Loving him means you are leaving him so that he has a reason to get better.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

I wish he would look at it as loving me means letting me go so i can better myself. Unfortunately that is not the case and he isnt letting me leave easy. Such is life with him though, never easy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't HAVE to let you leave easy, Airlight. 

You just have to leave.

He has no say in the matter.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

Thank you


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree. The "not letting you" thing is him trying to keep control; please don't waste any more of your life with him. Even if he could change he can't do it with you because your history is too toxic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree. The "not letting you" thing is him trying to keep control


Moreso, it's YOUR codependent nature to convince yourself that everyone has to be happy and on board or else you can't do something for yourself.

Nonsense. Who's gonna do it for you if YOU don't?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Airlight said:


> thank you, I needed to hear that. I am being inundated with promises of change, realizations of behavior etc but my gut is telling me once I am sucked back in, he wins, I open up, he gets comfortable, the behavior starts all over again and I am right back here with a bunch more wasted time and broken self.


Your gut is right. Be sure you keep listening to it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I don't mean to harp on this, and it doesn't sound like this would be a situation you are going to voluntarily get yourself into with him, but I find it interesting/scary that the "one last thing" he asked for was to have sex with you. Should that even come close to happening, be triply sure you have the birth control covered yourself.

Has your IC therapist or MC therapist advised you on how to best handle setting a clear and final "I am leaving you?" in front of him? Is he volatile?

Not saying your H has a personality disorder, but this book might have some useful information for you: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger: 9781608820252: Amazon.com: Books


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Are you scared for your safety? Especially as/after you convincingly tell him you are done done?


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

I left! 

He wanted to talk last night and I already had my mind made up separation was my decision. So I went home and he talked me in circles again about change, how sorry he is for everything he has done etc.

I stuck to my gut and said I wanted out. I wanted space, I NEEDED space and if he wanted to make these changes then I prayed he does but I couldn’t be there to wait for them right now. 

He didn’t get angry he basically said to go, so I did. He has gone right to divorce, wants lawyers contacted immediately and for me to get the rest of my stuff and dog out. 

It’s his birthday today. So I was nice and sent him a 'happy birthday' text. what I am getting back now is that he wishes me the best, he hopes that *I* get the help I need. That I haven’t stuck to our commitment and that is not the meaning of marriage in 'his' family, that you stick through for better or for worse and I broke that commitment and he will never trust me again. So now he is asking about mechanics, bills/ mortgage and such (I paid all of the bills, I also make more money). He is playing nice because he wants people to think I walked out, broke a commitment so I am just going to let him, it’s much easier if he is on his high horse than if he becomes angry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now you know. When you don't give him what he wants, he heads straight for the abuser's bag o' tricks: shutting off, guilt, anger, blame,and threats.

Nice.

As for other people, if they are people you care about, tell them the truth. In a 'this is why I left' way. Not in a 'get them on your side' way. You'll see who your real friends are, and you'll be better off without the others. And if you don't care about them, ignore them; in six months, you'll never see or speak to them again anyway so who cares what they think?

I used to tell DD23 when she was in school and a kerfluffle would happen, "Will you ever see this person again in 5 years? No? Then who cares what they think or do? Nurture the people who matter."

I'm proud of you.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

Well the story has already changed, now he agrees that a month separated is a good idea and to not jump so quickly to divorce and see where we are at after a month.

I figured this will change by the end of the day, its like a revolving door with him and his thoughts/ emotions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Doesn't matter what he agrees to.


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## Airlight (Jan 15, 2014)

Good point. I am starting to read codependency no more, I think i have alot of that going on. I also am getting a new therapist for myself so I can continue working on myself and staying strong.


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## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

Stay strong. And stay out. The hard part is done. 

You did what many women spend their whole lives too afraid to do, you got out of a bad situation. Good for you. 

The cool part? You already have what, fifteen people who witnessed his behavior at your birthday party, so you already have a plenty big support system. 

You're still young. Start over, knowing what signs to look for the next time you're interested in pursuing a relationship. In the meantime, be a little selfish and focus on just you and your own happiness for now. You deserve it


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## L%Madi (Apr 19, 2014)

amen to that


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## L%Madi (Apr 19, 2014)

Airlight said:


> Hi everyone, I am new here and am just looking for people who can share in my feelings and what I am going through.
> 
> I met my husband 10 years ago, we have been married 3. I just turned 30 he is also 30, no kids. Our relationship from the start was a rocky road. I fell for him initially because he has some great qualities, fun, charming, sociable, likable etc. As the relationship went on clear signs should have told me to run, and run fast. There are many many instances of his anger, emotional issues, drinking problem and verbal abuse and for whatever reason I hung in there believing that he could and would change. He would apologize, say he would work on it, and the cycle would continue.
> 
> ...


lol it is ashamed you sound so like me u afraid too leave..you been with him so long its like getting him out of your system you got too be strong and brave and just probably get counseling to get over him i know its like a co-dependency on him like in your mind you dont need him and than another minute u cant live without him...i been going threw the same thing with my husband and we been together four years but airlight you got to be strong and find some activities too get into once u leave him alone to keep your mind off of him and go around family and friends more thats what they there for


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