# Wife partying with younger coworkers



## allstar (Aug 29, 2015)

We've been together 10 years married for 3. 2 years ago she finally became store manager after working at her job for 11 years. So in bold letters during training it said she is not to have any contact with hourly employees after hours. Today is Friday and she's out with her coworkers, and I'm at home. 

Now she's scheduling her hours around hanging out with her coworkers and making it where she works when I'm off. She blows large amounts of money on them going out. She pays cause obv they make little money cause they are part time. Then when I bring it up, she says "they" say its a guys responsibility to pay the bills etc. How do they know, they live with their parents. She's saying I am boring cause I don't do anything. Going to work Monday thru Saturday doesn't count.

I don't know just blowing off steam I guess, but it's causing alot of friction in the relationship. I'm alot sure she isn't cheating cause she calls me thru out the night drunk, she post pics, comes home "ready" and I can see where shes at thru track my iphone( yes i do check it). Thanks for reading


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

allstar said:


> We've been together 10 years married for 3. 2 years ago she finally became store manager after working at her job for 11 years. So in bold letters during training it said she is not to have any contact with hourly employees after hours. Today is Friday and she's out with her coworkers, and I'm at home.
> 
> Now she's scheduling her hours around hanging out with her coworkers and making it where she works when I'm off. She blows large amounts of money on them going out. She pays cause obv they make little money cause they are part time. Then when I bring it up, she says "they" say its a guys responsibility to pay the bills etc. How do they know, they live with their parents. She's saying I am boring cause I don't do anything. Going to work Monday thru Saturday doesn't count.
> 
> I don't know just blowing off steam I guess, but it's causing alot of friction in the relationship. *I'm alot sure she isn't cheating* cause she calls me thru out the night drunk, she post pics, comes home "ready" and I can see where shes at thru track my iphone( yes i do check it). Thanks for reading


Assuming that you're right, and she's not cheating, it probably won't be long before she is.

I'd advise telling her to knock off the bullsh*t and, if she refuses, that you be prepared to hand her divorce papers.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

At the very least, this is poor management behavior, which you seem to understand if she doesn't.

Does she have any fear of losing her position because of this partying?

She needs to grow up and act like the manager at work and the wife at home. Have you considered a talk where you lay out the problems, what's at stake, and give her an ultimatum?


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Something is *NOT RIGHT*... 

Do* NOT* be fooled by find my iphone.. She can leave the phone with someone and go fvck him in the parking lot or whatever.. Again *PLEASE* I am not telling you to *OVERREACT*.. But don't think that *NOTHING* can happen..

I think you need to put your big boy pants on for this one and sit down think about what you are going to say and call her out on it and be actually ready with real consequences.. 

Again something is not right.. 

That line she says is utter bullsh!t about men paying the bills.. 

Honestly some guy says that to her.. I would want to talk to this fvcking guy.. Because if he thinks men pay the bills, well I can tell you what also want men do.. They also best be ready to pay for any comments they make to my wife/gf in fvcking blood.. Because when someone calls me out, that is what I get paid in.. 

These co-workers should mind their fvcking business and your wife shouldn't be telling them anything.. Your wife should have your back and should never let anyone bad mouth you or degrade you in any way shape or fashion..

Look

You can either give her choice and consequences or go do your own thing and see how she likes it.. Don't be home when she is calling you drunk.. Go the fvck out 10 minutes after she leaves..

If you're checking up on her, you already know you have a serious issue.. This isn't what a relationship or marriage is suppose to be about.. 

Trust me I went through all sorts of trust issues and crazy GF moments as well.. It took me to 2 years to sort all this sh!t out.. 

Again have a game plan and STICK to it.. Do NOT give ultimatums that you are not willing to enforce.. Be realistic about it..


----------



## allstar (Aug 29, 2015)

I've told her multiple times that some high school drama crap is gonna arise, then someone will snitch her out and all of her work would be for nothing. 

I keep trying to tell her she's not a kid and they are only using her to pay for drinks, and to get out of doing work. I told her it was getting old and needs to come to a stop, but she said she's a grown up and that I'm boring. That stopped the argument cause I can't fight while laughing.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

allstar said:


> I've told her multiple times that some high school drama crap is gonna arise, then someone will snitch her out and all of her work would be for nothing.
> 
> I keep trying to tell her she's not a kid and they are only using her to pay for drinks, and to get out of doing work. I told her it was getting old and needs to come to a stop, but she said she's a grown up and that I'm boring. That stopped the argument cause I can't fight while laughing.


Two things...

* She's not _behaving_ like a "grown-up".

* Divorce papers can be pretty damn exciting.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

It's a matter of time before she loses her job. She is definitely not following company policy when it comes to subordinates in management. Partying with subordinates will result in loss of credibility and ability of a manager to enforce rules in the workplace.

Follow her to her clubs and stay at a distance. Observe her behavior. She is definitely acting like a reckless teenager. Communicate with her about your concerns, but do not let on with your observations.

Regarding your relationship, I would speculate that she will eventually hook up with the young bucks and will join the "Cougar Society". Be vigilant and do not rugsweep should an inappropriate behavior comes out.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The Time to get ready for trouble is before it hits. A lot of women and men start posts here that start like your's and devolve into a horror flick ending in divorce. a book a decade ago "who moved my cheese" about being prepared to change jobs or careers. You know who saves their marriage ? The person who knows what the next step is.

Some basic questions: children, joint debt, your financial situation ? 

She is risking a job she has worked 10 yrs towards, she is avoiding spending large amounts of time with you, and has degraded you to "boring". Read about the "fog" here. She is entering it now. If you love her and want to save your marriage snap her out of it. You can learn how here.


----------



## allstar (Aug 29, 2015)

No kids, we both make really good money and no mutual debt. We do good in the financial department but its what caused most of this to come to a head. I was getting in the car to go to the store and got a message from the car insurance saying they couldn't process the payment. When I asked that when she said "everyone" says the husband should pay the bills.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> Something is *NOT RIGHT*...
> 
> Do* NOT* be fooled by find my iphone.. She can leave the phone with someone and go fvck him in the parking lot or whatever.. Again *PLEASE* I am not telling you to *OVERREACT*.. But don't think that *NOTHING* can happen..
> 
> ...



This is the correct advice IMO. About 7 years ago, after our youngest went into first grade and wasn't at home all the time, my wife got to feeling like a woman again and not a full time mom. Well, she and a few of her girlfriends seemed to be interested in doing fairly frequent GNOs.

Now I'm not one to worry much about such things but they were going every month and sometimes more frequently than that. If my wife wanted to have 3 or 4 a year, I'd have no issue with it but once a month, or more, was simply over the line IMO. Hell, we didn't even go out alone on dates that frequently.

So I started to go out with some friends of mine and when I couldn't find anyone to run with, I'd go alone. Point is that if she was going to go out, I'd insist on getting a sitter and go out too. It didn't take long for her to curb that behavior considerably. 

For one thing, she didn't have the kid's father (me) doing the baby sitting so it wasn't as "worry free" for her when she was out. Secondly, she might actually worry about what I may be up to instead of just enjoying the company of others. I also made it a point to always come home later than she did even if that meant staying till the bar closed or having to hang at the 24 hour Walmart until 3:00 am if necessary.

She decided relatively soon after I started this practice to cut back dramatically on this activity. I really don't think my wife was up to anything and I do understand her feeling like a woman again and enjoying being admired as a woman rather than the kids' mom all the time, but it was just too much.

Sounds like OP's wife is having some sort of high school/college flashback of sorts because she's working with so many young people. I don't know but it could be.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I think she is letting this bump in status at work get to her head... So much so that she thinks she is above you.

I would separate your finances, take your name off of any credit cards, insurances, and bills. Then let the lights go out.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I will never understand why nobody spies on their spouse when they have an issue with them partying. If someone suspects their wife MIGHT be TALKING to a coworker a little too much, it's VAR's and keyloggers and PI's to try to find something. With GNO's and this type of bullcrap, you KNOW where she's going and how long she'll be there. But nobody ever has a buddy stop by to take a peek. A PI with a cell phone is GUARANTEED evidence after one night. 

Look, this is a little different than the cougar wives going to meat markets to get liquored up and party intimately with strange, horny younger men that you'll never hear about. I THINK. But just for peace of mind, have SOMEBODY take a look-see. It's easy, cheap (it appears that money isn't an issue) and guaranteed results in one night. Just knock one little thing off of your checklist.

And FYI, coming home "ready" after partying with men (boys?) is anything BUT an indication of pure fidelity. It may not be a harbinger of iminent divorce, but SOMETHING got her juices flowing while she wasn't with you.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> I really don't think my wife was up to anything and I do understand her feeling like a woman again and enjoying being admired as a woman rather than the kids' mom all the time...


I can *almost* guarantee she was up to some stuff she didn't want you to see. She may not have swapped fluids with anyone. But how many men did she party with that you'll never know about? Why do you think she didn't like YOU going out? Because she saw you acting like the boys SHE partied with and didn't like it.

EDIT: After reading this, I'm taking the "almost" out of that guarantee.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/210418-so-could-kiss-just-mean-kiss-5.html


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@allstar, do you ever join your wife and her friends when they go out?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well it's been a couple of days...

She cheating yet?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Protect yourself first and separate for financial security. You cannot protect yourself and stay with her and you should make you the priority, not the marriage.

Here is the thing about human nature, we are adaptive, and the people your wife is around influence her behavior. When situations get really high on the risk/reward system, our logic and judgement circuits are dimmed. She lacks the ability to control her impulsive behavior. Whether it is due to lack of excitement while young, or not a good mix of fun and serious, these issues cannot be dealt with until she gets a reality check. There has to be some type of negative or positive reinforcement to change her behavior. This could be loss of marital status, separation, or other consequences. Until something like stress disrupts the feel good situation, she is stuck on a high, and rationality goes with it.

If you want to save the marriage before it spirals downhill even faster, you need to act as the brakes, jarring her back into reality. Only then, can the two of you either fix what is missing, or fix her behavior that leads to her destructive behavior.

So, detach, because the more attach you are, the more suffering you will feel if you do need to separate. Also, do not neglect yourself, which you are doing by staying in a situation where what you need to stay fulfilled has taken a back seat.


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> At the very least, this is poor management behavior, which you seem to understand if she doesn't.
> 
> Does she have any fear of losing her position because of this partying?
> 
> She needs to grow up and act like the manager at work and the wife at home. Have you considered a talk where you lay out the problems, what's at stake, and give her an ultimatum?


She doesn't seem to fear losing her position as manager or wife!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ricky15100 said:


> She doesn't seem to fear losing her position as manager or wife!


When there is some one new and a much younger man is interested....one will risk *everything* for new love!

Her job or her husband do not matter....right now the only thing that matters is paying for the attention and that currency is sex....even if it has to be in the back seat of a car for a few minutes.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My advise,
Your wife is correct....she is a grown up and guess what so are you. As grown ups we are allowed to make our own choices.

You can not control your wife but you can control who you want to be married to. I suggest you wish your wife the best and inform her you will let her go so she can be happy with out any of the boundaries of a marriage. In turn you will also move on with out her so you too can be happy in a healthy relationship with some one that wants the boundaries and the rewards a marriage has to offer.

Chicks dig confident men...have the confidence to let your wife go...it just might save your marriage.

You have to be able to lose your marriage if you want to save it.

So no more begging no mare crying...smile wish her the best and ask her to leave. Just make sure she takes all her crap with her.

Again tell her she is more then welcome to live her life ...you just won't stick around for the emotional torture she has to offer you. Tell her as painful as it is to let her go it is not worth what she has to offer you right now.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If I were you I'd grow a set and put my foot down.

If not you will have a long hard road to travel. 

Can you not see what's coming at you?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Been there...

What I would not do is try to ask her to stop, try to control her, or get to empathize with you at all. That path is the needy, week, controlling path.

What I would do is tell her flat out that this isn't what a marriage looks like, what mature behaviour looks like, and that you're embarrassed to have a wife that wants to pretend she's single and 10 years younger than she is.

And then what I would do is be gone a lot, and undergo a massive sudden program of self-improvement. While retracting whatever financial supports you have that may enable her behaviour. Pay the bills, sure, but no more.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I can *almost* guarantee she was up to some stuff she didn't want you to see. She may not have swapped fluids with anyone. But how many men did she party with that you'll never know about? Why do you think she didn't like YOU going out? Because she saw you acting like the boys SHE partied with and didn't like it.
> 
> EDIT: After reading this, I'm taking the "almost" out of that guarantee.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/210418-so-could-kiss-just-mean-kiss-5.html



I think you're reading way too much into what I said. That thread I posted was of something that happened 30 years ago. Do I think my wife enjoyed getting attention again from other men after being stuck in "mommy mode" for a number of years? Of course I do. I don't find that unnatural at all.

Now if that were to continue for any period of time, it could become problematic, as it could be for anyone, which is why I did what I did to put a stop to it.

That particular thread was a new kind of issue for me. I got to thinking about something that happened long ago and wondered what, if anything, it likely meant. You see, I'd never had anyone cheat on me or even appear that they would do such a thing. As I had mentioned previously, I was an athlete in college and pretty much had my pick of women so it was a foreign idea that one would stray from me. Usually it was me that did all the deciding. I know it sounds arrogant, and I certainly was back in those days, but it never dawned on me that a woman would dare do anything to jeopardize a relationship with me. It just never showed up on my radar.

Unlike you and several others here, I don't just assume that woman are up to no good when they go out with coworkers or on a GNO. I suppose I don't think that way. That does not mean that I think it's necessarily a good idea for everyone or approve of it. The laws of probability suggest that if someone engages frequently in this type of behavior, however, the odds of something bad happening increase.

That's the primary reason why I would attempt to limit this kind of thing to every once in a while and not weekly, like OP seems to be dealing with.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MostlyContent. Thanks for staying with me. Marduk, I'll thank you in advance. OP, I'll get to you in a minute.




Mostlycontent said:


> Unlike you and several others here, I don't just assume that woman are up to no good when they go out with coworkers or on a GNO. I suppose I don't think that way.


First: Guilty.

But I find it odd that you you would make such a statement. In that incident you mentioned above, you left out the part about seeing that "almost kiss" one of the few times you went out partying with her many years later. Also, in your original post about that 30 year old incident, you mentioned her playing wingwoman to her friend who was looking to "meet guys" as an after thought. As if the "hour she spent with him" before the tiny kiss was nothing. It was her job. A job I would NOT want my wife to have.



marduk said:


> Been there...


The advice you give after this statement is spot on, as is this statement. You paint your story as a success, and in most ways it is. But MAN, that gal liked to party. You did well. You put a stop to it without controlling her. You controlled what you could control: you.

But a no time do you mention what your wife did on those nights out. Did she ever tell you? There MUST have been men. And a weekend to Vegas in the middle of all that partying? What does she TELL you went on out there?

My point is, both of you, in your own ways, deflect the "contact with strange men you will never hear about" aspect of these innocent little GNO's. I find that interesting.

I now get back to the OP. The title wasn't "wife spending too much time with her younger co workers". She spends too much time partying with them.

You need to put a stop to it. But you need to know what, exactly you're putting a stop to. I don't think MC is as over his wife's "partying" days as makes out to be. Marduk probably is, actually. But I think he, like my best friend, never really thought about what his wife did when she was out all of those times. I'm probably closer to MostlyContent in that I wonder what my wife did all the times she was playing wingwoman for my friend's wife for a brief spell. My own little "was a kiss just a kiss" incident brought me here many years later as well.

OP: All you will be doing is putting an end to her growing as a woman and friend to these people. It was all innocent, you controlling bully. 

Have a PI get video.

TMI time. Look away if you need to.

If, when my wife was coming home to me at 3AM and turning her back to me in that "don't even think about sex" position she does so well, I actually had the balls to run the stop sign, only to find out she was already horny? No, she makes sure you know it could only be YOU that has her in this state, you stud you.

You can afford a PI. Three nights TOPS and you'll know what you're dealing with. A couple of us don't know after all these years. My wife "forgets" that she even went out partying with her friend. Working as her wingwoman. 

These kids are all single and horny. What does your wife do when the hooking up starts going on? The raunchy talk with younger men? And the booze?

And it's so easy. You guys will keylog, spend hours installing VAR's in their cars and reviewing the tape (not a bad idea, by the way). Fighting with Verivon the get copies of deleted texts. 

But call any PI in the book and give him an address of where it's all going down so he can take a look-see? NO WAY!


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I will never understand why nobody spies on their spouse when they have an issue with them partying. If someone suspects their wife MIGHT be TALKING to a coworker a little too much, it's VAR's and keyloggers and PI's to try to find something. With GNO's and this type of bullcrap, you KNOW where she's going and how long she'll be there. But nobody ever has a buddy stop by to take a peek. A PI with a cell phone is GUARANTEED evidence after one night.
> 
> Look, this is a little different than the cougar wives going to meat markets to get liquored up and party intimately with strange, horny younger men that you'll never hear about. I THINK. But just for peace of mind, have SOMEBODY take a look-see. It's easy, cheap (it appears that money isn't an issue) and guaranteed results in one night. Just knock one little thing off of your checklist.
> 
> And FYI, coming home "ready" after partying with men (boys?) is anything BUT an indication of pure fidelity. It may not be a harbinger of iminent divorce, but SOMETHING got her juices flowing while she wasn't with you.


You forgot two words.
"PI"
should read "pretty female PI" 
They can get in clubs while the male PI is still waiting in line behind the bouncer.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Assuming that you're right, and she's not cheating, it probably won't be long before she is.
> 
> I'd advise telling her to knock off the bullsh*t and, if she refuses, that you be prepared to hand her divorce papers.


Sadly he is right, this is going to become one of those 'he wants to control me and not let me have friends' arguments down the road if she doesn't knock it off...most likely driving her into the arms of someone else....she get's onboard or you move out!


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

allstar said:


> No kids, we both make really good money and no mutual debt. We do good in the financial department but its what caused most of this to come to a head. I was getting in the car to go to the store and got a message from the car insurance saying they couldn't process the payment. When I asked that when she said "everyone" says the husband should pay the bills.


 Then here's what you do. If she has her own car, then take her name of the car insurance and let her pay her own. Then I would get my own checking and savings account and take her name off the credit card and live like a single man because she seems to be living like a single woman.

You have to stop being the chump for her and let her face harsh reality that she can't just go with the notion that life is a freebie and your the money source for her whims. Put a stop to it now or it will get worse and if need be, if she won't stop then have her served with divorce papers either at work or while she's out with her co workers and let her deal with it. If she raises hell you can tell her that she had her chance and now the free ride is over.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> You forgot two words.
> "PI"
> should read "pretty female PI"
> They can get in clubs while the male PI is still waiting in line behind the bouncer.




or they can pull a cloud from final fantasy vii. and cross dress to get in.

Either way, the environment and the high has gotten her rational thoughts sidelined.

I would not be surprised if she cheated, lack of inhibition, lack of consequential planning, lack of regulitory thinking, feeling high, and young adolesence creating a toxic environment.

The situation is less ideal for an intelligent decision and action to be made.

I am all for fun. Being happy makes life enjoyable. I also believe it should be done with moderation and forethought. Sure it is fun now, until cause and effect occurs. Loss of job, loss of marriage, loss of friends and family who want to protect and not associate with someone who shows poor behavior,financial stress due to actions,and etc.

Right now, the OP is buffering some of those consequences for her, protecting her.

Should he choose to detach and protect himself, reality will not slap her in the face until he allows it to occur.

Sometimes you have to let them fall so they can pick themselves back up.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Are you accountable for your actions and behavior? Should she not be also? If you facilitate her reckless behavior then you are at least an enabler and at worst her accomplice. If she does end up having an A you will know that you helped make it possible by not holding her accountable. She is supposedly an adult, not a party going teenager. She should be made to act like one by, at the very least, being held accountable for half of the household expenses. Perhaps when she sees how fast the money goes, she will be less inclined to spend it on alcohol for her co-workers.

If she accuses you of being controlling then simply tell her that when someone acts immaturely and irresponsibly they must be controlled. If she demands that she is an adult then tell her that you will no longer control her when she begins behaving like one. You might also explain to her that being an adult does not mean unlimited freedom to do exactly as you want but rather means responsibility to do what you know you should and what is best for you and those around you.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

AllStar,

Gus is usually right. However, I would hold off on filing for divorce just yet.

Perhaps you could read about the 180?

Stop engaging her as if life was normal and create some distance.

Talk has not bothered her.

Don't fume and get angry. Just be very calm and determined.

There is a danger that she will decide that one of boys is cute as a puppy. Before you know it she'll be playing with it alone in the park.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> AllStar,
> 
> Gus is usually right. However, I would hold off on filing for divorce just yet.
> 
> ...


I think Gus suggested filing for divorce as a way to shake things up and wake her up from her fog. A divorce filing can always be stopped.

ETA: And he can employ the 180 at the same time.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Facts from OP:

1. Her wife is violating work rules and partying with subordinate co workers. No respect for her employer.
2. Refusing to stop at husbands request. No respect for her husband.
3. She says her husband is boring and is going out partying and getting smashed with other men. Anyone here can fill in the rest.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> But a no time do you mention what your wife did on those nights out. Did she ever tell you? There MUST have been men. And a weekend to Vegas in the middle of all that partying? What does she TELL you went on out there?


I have a reasonably good idea bounded by the fact that I will never KNOW in the epistemological sense what happened because I wasn't there. But I will counterbalance that with doing my PI work where I could, corroborating stories with her friend's husbands, and ensuring the timelines were consistant.

That, and reading body language and always trusting my gut, is all one can ever do, right?

I will say it was pretty funny when I went to Vegas for a boy's trip and she got very, very nervous... but accepted it.

Mirroring is an effective strategy. Well, a lot more effective than begging.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

allstar said:


> She pays cause obv they make little money cause they are part time. Then when I bring it up, she says "they" say its a guys responsibility to pay the bills etc.


 So she is publicly disrespecting and bad mouthing you to her co-workers, and believes that she has a right to be a freeloader. Couple this with her scheduling her free time around them and not you, and you have someone that is not good spouse material, regardless if she is already cheating on you or not (there is a good chance that she will if she has not already).


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

marduk said:


> I have a reasonably good idea bounded by the fact that I will never KNOW in the epistemological sense what happened because I wasn't there. But I will counterbalance that with doing my PI work where I could, corroborating stories with her friend's husbands, and ensuring the timelines were consistant.
> 
> That, and reading body language and always trusting my gut, is all one can ever do, right?


Ok. I'm getting close. I've probably lost you, but I'll try.

I get the idea that you think there was no hanky panky going on with your wife. Fair enough. But I'd like to know what that means. That may be the problem with me and the other neanderthals that prefer our wives not do this. Maybe what WE perceive as infidelity is NOT by others. For example: you being OK with what she did (or didn't do), means...

1 - I know what goes on when women get together in packs and go prowling meat markets together. There are men there and alcohol and OF COURSE they are going to mingle, and dance, and flirt with these men. That's part of the appeal of these places. Otherwise they'd go dancing in one of the gals living rooms instead. But I am confident with my marriage and am OK with my wife blowing off steam this way.

2 - We talked it out and I coraborrated the stories with the other husbands and have come to the conclusion that they all really did just get dressed up for each other (as Van Morrison sings). They like the excitement of dancing with each other on a vibrant dance floor. They had a code that they watched each others back as predators approached. They essentially were successful in maintaining a mostly man-free bubble.

I'll loop the OP in to lessen the "threadjack" factor. OP. If you would answer number one to this question, you may be OK. There is nothing to suggest your wife is swapping fluids with any of these boys. But I'm guessing, like me, you would consider that behavior in number one inappropriate, you need to spy on your wife to see if her behavior is close to that or you'll be here years from now wondering if you rugswept and did the right thing.

Marduk, you don't owe me jack. But if you could answer this question honestly, I'd appreciate it. You'd help ME, at least.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> But I find it odd that you you would make such a statement. In that incident you mentioned above, you left out the part about seeing that "almost kiss" one of the few times you went out partying with her many years later. Also, in your original post about that 30 year old incident, you mentioned her playing wingwoman to her friend who was looking to "meet guys" as an after thought. As if the "hour she spent with him" before the tiny kiss was nothing. It was her job. A job I would NOT want my wife to have.


MM,

I've read your replies to me and to Marduk and I think I understand where you're coming from. I have changed how I feel about this sort of thing over the years. In part because of age and wisdom and in part because I know my wife.

What I mean by that is that my wife is a very nice person. So much so that she cringes at the thought of hurting someone else's feelings. I think she's much more the "people pleaser" type than I ever was. I don't think she realizes that being nice to guys when out is often misinterpreted and could be taken advantage of. She gets that now but she still has a hard time enforcing boundaries because she doesn't want to appear rude.

My wife is also incredibly beautiful. I know a lot of men on here say that but if that be true, then my wife must be on another level. She used to commonly have people, okay mostly guys, take pictures of her when she'd take the dogs for a walk on the beach every day. I can honestly say that my wife was more attractive in her early to middle 40s than she was when I first met her and that's saying something because she looked very much like Vanna White (Wheel of Fortune) in her early 20s.

When younger and still working, my wife would commonly go out with her coworkers but I never worried about her in those instances. I'd met them all before and besides, they were all in the Accounting Department so not necessarily the raucous party types.

When we moved to our current neighborhood about a decade or so ago there were several other women my wife's age and she befriended them. That was the group that she used to have her GNOs with. They were perfectly nice women and all married so that was good. None of them were looking for trouble to my knowledge, although one of them is divorced now because she discovered her husband was having a lengthy affair. Go figure.

So I didn't mind the group she was running with but rather that she was by far the best looking and always received the most attention. Obviously, that's not something I care for given the kinds of passes guys have made toward her over the previous years.

I'm much more protective of that kind of thing now. To your other point, I don't ever let my wife go anywhere with another single woman where she would be expected to play the wing woman role. That's neither a good or appropriate situation for a married women to be in.

When my wife was young and we were just dating, she had to do that occasionally for her best friend and roommate, which was kind of hard for her to avoid. She couldn't very well leave her girlfriend at bars because they always drove together and there's an additional safety issue woman have to consider that us men do not.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I'm not an anti-GNO guy as long as I know the crowd my spouse is running with and it's not too frequent as to interfere with the social life the two of us should have. I think most of that is behind us now as my wife hasn't gone on a GNO in almost 5 years. I think that little phase passed and she genuinely doesn't seem to have any interest in it any longer.

Our two boys, now both teenagers, are in sports year round and we're both pretty satisfied just being their biggest fans.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

OK. Thanks MC. I appreciate the reply. I don't know what my wife did on her GNO's. But knowing the person she ran with, it couldn't have been good.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Ok. I'm getting close. I've probably lost you, but I'll try.
> 
> I get the idea that you think there was no hanky panky going on with your wife. Fair enough. But I'd like to know what that means. That may be the problem with me and the other neanderthals that prefer our wives not do this. Maybe what WE perceive as infidelity is NOT by others. For example: you being OK with what she did (or didn't do), means...
> 
> ...


OK. I _think_ I understand what you're asking.

What you're asking is _why_ I had a problem with her going out all the time while simultaneously _not_ thinking that she was having sex with someone else, right?

The reasons are simple, and two-fold.

#1 my wife can be an immature hypocrite when it comes to her behaviour. For example, for her, if I'm attracted to a woman and I allow myself to be around her, to her, that's where an affair begins. With the (even small) chance that it might begin.

However, for her, it's always innocent and hence she should be trusted 100%. Even if the other guy wants her and she allows herself to be around him. Because she _claims_ she's not attracted to him, it's OK. She is even open about being flattered and finding it exciting.

Let's use the 'buying of drinks' as an example. She would absolutely think it crossed a boundary if I bought another woman a drink on a boy's night out. However, she would think it fine if she accepted a drink from another man on a girl's night out. Her line there, which I kinda understand, is that it's different to accept vs seek. However, she would also think it crossing a line if I accepted a drink from another woman.

What it boils down to, after spending a lot of time trying to understand her, is that she wants to feel free and unencumbered by rules or boundaries, that she is situational. And she is in control of herself, and fully knowledgable about what she is doing, therefore she gets to make the call.

However, because she is _not_ directly knowledgable about what I'm doing, she is afraid, and hence wants firm, clear, and quite large boundaries for my behaviour.

It's an anxiety thing mixed with a rebellion thing.

#2 she quite often doesn't see paths that she is on until it's too late. I don't want to go into details, but she is an emotive thinker, not a rational thinker. She does what feels right. And then she gets herself into situations that she didn't foresee, because she trusts her heart.

So she can quite happily walk on a path that I can see will end with _something_ eventually happening with another man, but because it all feels fine and she feels in control, she disagrees.

While, you know, simultaneously being constantly fearful I'm about to have an affair myself.

So, at the end of the day, I mate guard. Respectfully. But at times somewhat harshly.

But no longer by making threats. By making my boundaries plain, living up to them, and when needed, mirroring her behaviour to make the hypocrisy evident.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would not keep nagging her as you have made your point. Perhaps don't be home next Friday and come home a little later. Perhaps don't respond to her texts. But saying the same thing over and over doesn't work any better with women than men.


----------

