# need help with wife emotional affair



## 3kidsforlife

Just a little back story. My wife and I have together for 11 years and married 4 years. Have three great kids 5-9-12. Have had a good marriage on and off. Good for a couple years bad for a month and good again. About a year ago it was a huge one all the talk of divorce by both but decided to work it out. We went to therapy a about 6 years a ago. And was the best thing we ever did. Learned to talk to each other instead of screaming! About a week ago I noticed my wife changed a little. Came home a little later and kind of distant. So one night she fell asleep with the kids and I was going to put her phone on the charger for her. She had put a lock code on it. I knew what that meant so I woke her up and asked her nicely what was going on. She looked nerves and said I was going to waite till after the boys birthday but I want a divorce. I said is there someone else, she said yes but nothing physical. She made a connection with this guy that comes to her work(she does not work with him). I had already looked at the phone records. And he lives in a different state. She then proceeded to tell me I am not the man I once was I had got lazy. I asked if we or I could fix this and she says NO. I asked if she wanted to move out, she says yes and no. Because she has no were to go and the kids. I asked if we should tell the kids about the divorce and she said yes. But she keeps putting that OFF. Kids are not stupid. They will figure out and question why dad is sleeping on the couch. Phone records show she is texting and calling more and more every day to the other guy. Some of her family know because she told them. What should I expect to come and what future is there?

Yes I am working on finding the old me!


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## tom67

Go dark on her and expose to both families.
Start the divorce process do not wait for her.
If she wants to move out of state where he lives fine, you keep the kids with you.
Get some more info on the om if he is married or has a gf.
Contact is work let them know that he is dating a married woman.
This is war treat it as such.

Separate finances also!


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## 3kidsforlife

Please Help I Hurt So Bad and believe I became this lazy way.


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## 3kidsforlife

I want to save the marriage, not push it away!


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## tom67

She is gaslighting you rewriting history.
Nobody is perfect.
The best chance you have to save the marriage is to be willing to end it.
No begging or crying in front of her.
Carry a voice activated recorder on you for your protection of a false DV charge on you.


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## 6301

If it was me and she was carrying on an affair and doesn't want to be with you any longer and has no intentions of stopping, I wouldn't give her the choice in the matter. 

I would let her know that if she wants to be with this guy then go with him. She wants to have it both ways and that's unacceptable. She's playing both ends to the middle and she need for someone to shake her tree and for her to realize that this type of behavior wont fly, so you better let her know that you wont be part of her game and tell her to go.


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## 3kidsforlife

I don't beg or cry! I just want to know if it can be fixed. I have talked to one family member and they said they got mixed feelings if she actually wanted a divorce.


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## 6301

You want to save the marriage and I understand that but it takes two to save it and if she's doesn't, then you beating your head against the wall. 

If you play her game, you will lose. You have to make it tough on her and be the strong one. If not, you'll be in a battle you can't win.


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## 3kidsforlife

6301 you think I should kick her out and make her tell the kids! Plus one kids birthday on Thursday.


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## 3kidsforlife

Should I not talk to her or text her? I want her to stay for the kids.


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## Conrad

3kidsforlife said:


> Should I not talk to her or text her? I want her to stay for the kids.


You won't be able to nice her out of this.


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## Cubby

You have to take control of the situation. Number one, get off the couch and get back in your bedroom. You're not the one who wants to end the marriage. She wants to leave, she gets the couch.

File for divorce. Now. You think it's pushing her away, but one of the most true statements around here is "you can't nice her back." The message that you taking control and filing for D sends to her is you're the kind of guy who doesn't tolerate his wife having a boyfriend. You're standing up for yourself, respecting yourself, and showing that you're unafraid, fearless, confident. 

Your wife actually finds this behavior more attractive than being a sad, needy guy who's sitting back letting everything HAPPEN to him. The more you plead or beg her to see reason, the more she's repelled by you. It's a woman's biological wiring.


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## Cubby

3kidsforlife, you have some work to do. You have to QUIETLY find out who this POS guy is. If he's married, you have to let his wife know. Right now you don't have any idea how serious this guy is about your wife. He just might drop your wife instead of dealing with all the drama. 

Make your wife and her boyfriend deal with harsh reality. Right now they're in a blissful fantasyland. You need to blow that up.

And don't believe your wife when she says it hasn't been physical. It's a golden rule here that cheaters are skilled liars.


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## Cubby

3kidsforlife, you say she is calling and texting this guy more and more. Are you paying for her phone service? Is so, why? Cancel it. If she wants a boyfriend, it's on her dime, not yours.


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## 3kidsforlife

how do I find out about him? I would love to do that.


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## doubletrouble

Sir, you are getting good advice here. You may not like it, but if you spent as much time on the forums as some of us have, you would know this is truly the best way to handle it. 

She needs to be snapped back into reality. 
You are the only one who can do this for her. 
The only way you can do this for her is to emotionally disengage her from OM. 
The only way you can do that is to untie the knot of marriage that she thinks is holding her back. 
Once she's let free, she will succumb to reality and the fog will lift.

We've seen this story repeated so many times here. That's why you will get so many responses that are in the same vein. 

It works. It may seem counterintuitive to you right now, but sir, your wife has already left the marraige. Save what you can.


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## 3kidsforlife

The boys party was suppose to be at our house this weekend and party for super bowl now she just said she wants it moved to another place because of every thing going on. she also just said she will tell them after the party. I truly want this to work out. Do I have her leave before that?


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## 3kidsforlife

She seems so nice to me by letting me know when she will be late and stuff like that!


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## 3kidsforlife

does this advise work!


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## ThreeStrikes

3kidsforlife said:


> She seems so nice to me by letting me know when she will be late and stuff like that!


Except that she forgot to mention OM.

Gee, imagine that.

Your cheating wife is a cake-eater. File for D. Get uber-tough NOW!

Your marriage is 99% over. Accept it. You might get lucky(?) and she might snap out of it when she is served, but don't count on it. 

Does it eff up the plans with the kids? yep. It's all on her. She's the cheater.

Expose her affair to your friends/family. Exposure is the best tool to end an affair.


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## 3kidsforlife

did your guys marriages work?


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## tom67

ThreeStrikes said:


> Except that she forgot to mention OM.
> 
> Gee, imagine that.
> 
> Your cheating wife is a cake-eater. File for D. Get uber-tough NOW!
> 
> Your marriage is 99% over. Accept it. You might get lucky(?) and she might snap out of it when she is served, but don't count on it.
> 
> Does it eff up the plans with the kids? yep. It's all on her. She's the cheater.
> 
> Expose her affair to your friends/family. Exposure is the best tool to end an affair.


This^^^
Get her phone records and figure out through reverse look up who it is.
Do you have any allies where she works?
Do you know her boss?
If you can afford it hire a PI and get the info.


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## doubletrouble

3kidsforlife said:


> does this advise work!





3kidsforlife said:


> did your guys marriages work?


Yes, it does. Give yourself a little time to read threads in the Coping With Infidelity section of the site. You'll see the pattern repeated time and again.


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## ThreeStrikes

3kidsforlife said:


> did your guys marriages work?


I rugswept my ex's first two affairs.

Divorced her after her third.

However, I could have reconciled had I wanted to. She begged me not to leave.

Should have left her after her first. Once a cheater, always...

It sounds like you have her on some sort of pedestal, and you're her doormat.

She told you, to your face, she's involved with another man.

She told you, to your face, she wants a D.

She kicked you out to sleep on the couch.

She's changing your Super Bowl party plans.

Face it, brother....she's not into you anymore.


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## 3kidsforlife

well I talked to her family and I am kicking her out she does not want to leave plus I did find his name out apparently he is coming back to town Friday. this guy is not a man and nows nothing about her kids. he is just feeding her every thing she wants to hear. she said she would sleep on the coach.


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## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> well I talked to her family and I am kicking her out she does not want to leave plus I did find his name out apparently he is coming back to town Friday. this guy is not a man and nows nothing about her kids. he is just feeding her every thing she wants to hear. she said she would sleep on the coach.


Call his employer!!!
Make him regret he ever messed with you he deserves these consequences!
Be sure to tell them you are keeping all legal options open if he isn't fired.
Your wife may even respect you after this in some sick way.


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## 3kidsforlife

no he doesn't work for same company


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## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> no he doesn't work for same company


So what her company is a client right?
It still is not appropiate.
Very bad for business especially if you expose to both companies.
I would just focus on his you don't mess with her job for now.


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## 3kidsforlife

his mom is at the place of business for health. should I leave work and make sure she is leaving? She is at home with the kids.


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## Conrad

3kidsforlife said:


> well I talked to her family and I am kicking her out she does not want to leave plus I did find his name out apparently he is coming back to town Friday. this guy is not a man and nows nothing about her kids. he is just feeding her every thing she wants to hear. she said she would sleep on the coach.


Find out if he's married.


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## 3kidsforlife

She has not acted on anything yet and refuses to call him her boyfriend. Is that cheating talk or is it her holding back emotions for me. Her family says the feels for me are still there. Sorry for sounding like a weak man but this is all so sudden.


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## 3kidsforlife

No he is not married. Quote from his facebook page " I love _____ state women!"


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## Thound

You are getting rock solid advice, but you might 
consider moving this to the CWI section as there is more traffic there and additional awesome advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

In the mean time get these 2 books and read them. No More Mr Nice Guy. And Married Man Sex Life Primer. Good luck and take care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

how do i move it


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## 3kidsforlife

help


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## TBT

3kidsforlife said:


> how do i move it


PM a moderator.I believe Amplexor and sweetpea are on the board.


ETA--Go to the main page where it lists all the forums.Scroll to bottom and you'll see a list of users.Click on Amplexor.It will take you to the profile where you click on 'contact info'.


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## U.E. McGill

Google "marriage 180". Follow that. 

Cheaters always follow a script. Her rationalization wheel is spinning 1000 mph. She says your lazy that's why she cheats. It's her trying to justify being ****ty to you. 

Marriage is a 2 way street but it is NEVER your fault that she cheated.

Tell her "end the affair or get out now". No options. She's probably to the point where she'll leave. Out the OM. Tell him to back away from your marriage. He'll probably leave to avoid drama. Then go cold with her. Read no more mr nice guy. Make com immunization only about the kids. She may come back and want to reconcile. But only if you show you are willing to loose it all to put an end to her bull****. 

You may get her back. But you can never nice your way back. Trying to spare the kids because it's the Super Bowl or their bday? That's her trying to make excuses because she's behaving poorly. The cats out of the bag. You need to go nuclear now.


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## 3kidsforlife

Wish me luck! Off in ten minutes.


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## 3kidsforlife

Please keep the advise coming. Being a man feels good but I hope it doesn't comeback to bit me!


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## Cubby

3kidsforlife said:


> Please keep the advise coming. Being a man feels good but I hope it doesn't comeback to bit me!


Being a man is your only choice. Nobody here is guaranteeing you'll get your wife back, but everyone knows the nice guy-doormat approach never works. The number one thing is you have to respect yourself. That's where it starts.


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## Thound

Get more advice before acting. Come up with a solid plan, then act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH

Do a reverse phone number search on the phone number on the bill. If it's a cell phone it may not come up but sometimes if you type the cell number in the search bar you can find out who it is if he has posted it online somewhere.


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## ICLH

Private message me the number and I'll do some looking for you. I'm experienced at at. LOL


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## Cubby

We're all telling you not to try to "nice" her back, but remember, that doesn't mean you should yell and scream at her. When you do talk to her, it's from a place of strength, not anger. Everything is done in a confident, firm, decisive, strong manner, like you're unafraid to move on without her. That kind of stuff is appealing to women.


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## doubletrouble

3kidsforlife said:


> this guy is not a man...


We knew that....


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## U.E. McGill

Thound said:


> Get more advice before acting. Come up with a solid plan, then act.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



He needs to act swiftly. She knows he knows. Without contrition on her part she's probably underground with whatever is going on. I think he needs to start right now. He may screw up, but it's better to behave badly with a backbone than sit back and do nothing. She's all but gone. Action is his best bet.


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## tom67

U.E. McGill said:


> He needs to act swiftly. She knows he knows. Without contrition on her part she's probably underground with whatever is going on. I think he needs to start right now. He may screw up, but it's better to behave badly with a backbone than sit back and do nothing. She's all but gone. Action is his best bet.


He needs to contact his workplace and let them know what this pos is doing with married clients.
Ugh that's how you lose business.


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## Thound

U.E. McGill said:


> He needs to act swiftly. She knows he knows. Without contrition on her part she's probably underground with whatever is going on. I think he needs to start right now. He may screw up, but it's better to behave badly with a backbone than sit back and do nothing. She's all but gone. Action is his best bet.


I respectfully disagree. Im not talking weeks or months, but a couple days to come up with a plan will not hurt.


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## U.E. McGill

tom67 said:


> He needs to contact his workplace and let them know what this pos is doing with married clients.
> 
> Ugh that's how you lose business.



He was there because his mom was a patient. No recourse. OP said "he was there because his Mom was there for health"


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## U.E. McGill

Thound said:


> I respectfully disagree. Im not talking weeks or months, but a couple days to come up with a plan will not hurt.



I think we're on the same page. He could certainly plan while she's packing!


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## tom67

U.E. McGill said:


> He was there because his mom was a patient. No recourse. OP said "he was there because his Mom was there for health"


My bad thank you for the correction.


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## 3kidsforlife

tom67 said:


> My bad thank you for the correction.


We'll I told her she had to leave because it was not fair for me to feel like that and have to live in the same house. We did sit down with the kids and discuss a seep ration for a while. Not a divorce! To together we decided that. We work different shifts. So it was now or never and he is flying in on Friday so I couldn't watch that happen. She has to come back tonight after work and gather some stuff and talk about finances. Hope this works. I do love her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> We'll I told her she had to leave because it was not fair for me to feel like that and have to live in the same house. We did sit down with the kids and discuss a seep ration for a while. Not a divorce! To together we decided that. We work different shifts. So it was now or never and he is flying in on Friday so I couldn't watch that happen. She has to come back tonight after work and gather some stuff and talk about finances. Hope this works. I do love her!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being confident and decisive is the only chance you have.

You should really get divorce papers ready and serve her.
Talk to an attorney I don't think she could take the kids that far away.
Get a free consult from an attorney first though.
Considering I think you handled this pretty good.


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## ICLH

Well, you may love her, but as long as another man is in the picture she isn't go to see, hear, remember, or feel your love. Remember that. Don't show her any emotion at this point - one way or the other. She's having her cake and eating it, too. I think she's viewing you as the fall back guy. The relationship with the new man is still fresh. She wants to test the waters to see how it's going to play out before she asks for a divorce. If she asks for a separation that leaves you hanging on.


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## tom67

ICLH said:


> Well, you may love her, but as long as another man is in the picture she isn't go to see, hear, remember, or feel your love. Remember that. Don't show her any emotion at this point - one way or the other. She's having her cake and eating it, too. I think she's viewing you as the fall back guy. The relationship with the new man is still fresh. She wants to test the waters to see how it's going to play out before she asks for a divorce. If she asks for a separation that leaves you hanging on.


:iagree::iagree:
File you can always stop it but she needs a dose of reality.


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## Tobyboy

"Looking forward to meeting you face to face when you come down Friday"

That's the message I would send to the OM....if I was in your shoes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat

3kidsforlife said:


> We'll I told her she had to leave because it was not fair for me to feel like that and have to live in the same house. We did sit down with the kids and discuss a seep ration for a while. Not a divorce! To together we decided that. We work different shifts. So it was now or never and he is flying in on Friday so I couldn't watch that happen. She has to come back tonight after work and gather some stuff and talk about finances. Hope this works. I do love her!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO, your W would not have brought up divorce in the first place if she did not have someone to go to, and we all know who that is. The separation therefore is unlikely to do anything except make it easier for them to connect. You should use the separation time to prepare for a divorce, and make sure she knows it. As long as you show her that you are hoping she will "see the light" on her own you will be disappointed.

It sounds paradoxical, but has been proven true over and over: you cannot save a marriage when one of the members in in an affair unless you are willing to end it.


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## anchorwatch

Really? You just told your wife to leave so wouldn't see her with the OM? That's a weak attitude. 

You should have said that's a deal breaker if she continues contact or meets with him. Then you should expose her and him to family, friends, and employers. I'd go one further. I'd get a message to him that he better know before he gets here, I'm not just going to rollover and let him have my family. Call a lawyer in tomorrow morning and get the D work started right away. You have to be decisive to have a chance. Do not have fear you will lose her, she's already gone into the fog.

Start reading, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Chaparral

Put him on cheaterville.com and send him the link. Send him a picture of her kids. 

This is just me But I would also tell him you will be glad your going to see him on Friday.

Is he coming in to see his mother in the hospital where your wife works? I'm confused.


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## Chaparral

Here's a link, let him know anytime someone googles him they will see this.
CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know


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## Nucking Futs

You cannot do a separation, you must file for divorce. Doing a separation with her is giving her free reign to fvck any and everyone she wants. It's giving her freedom while keeping you tied down. Tell her that separation is not an option and you're filing for divorce immediately. 

The separation will just delay the end of the marriage, but filing for divorce may shock her back to reality and save the marriage. The chances are not good. She's far enough gone to tell the children already so this may just be a lost cause, but if it is a lost cause you should be filing for divorce anyway.

Get with a lawyer, try to have her served with the divorce papers at work on Friday. Short timing but max shock value if you can pull it off.


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## Tobyboy

"Oh....and say hi to your mother for me" "it was really nice meeting her"

I know how to get under people's skin!!


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## LongWalk

Give her what she wants. Your blessing. Get the D papers asap. Hand them to her and say: "Will being with POSOM make you happy? OK, go to him because I love you I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness."

After that stop talking to her about anything but the kids and divorce. Don't show her any anger or bitterness, just calm indifference. You are hurting inside but don't show it. Display your game face. You are moving on. You are going to make it without her.

Maybe she will be shocked and say to herself, "how could he get over me so quickly." Don't forget she is not actually used to the idea that you will not be there for her. You need to take the cake away.

When she has to face the facts of divorce her cheating will less joyful. Remember POSOM may just think of her as some yummy mummy pvssy. She may start talking about herself, him and your kids. He may not be interested in raising your kids. If he hesitates in committing to all of her romantic dreams, he may not look so good. He may even get cold feet.

A needy woman in an acrimonious divorce, who is under pressure from her family, may not be what he looking for.

Put him on Cheaterville (not your WW just him). Make the text simple and factual.


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## workindad

You cannot nice her back into your arms. Your best bet is to go hard core and see a lawyer to check your options. You can bank what she'll be doing with POSOM when he comes to town.

I know it's tough and counter intuitive, but she either gets her head out of her arse, or she gets left behind. That is what you need to convey.

I do wish you well.


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## Chaparral

The Healing Heart: The 180

This is a link to the 180, let me emphasize you are not angry with her. Just treat her like the stranger standing next to you in line. Be pleasant but she is NOT your friend. She is not who you thought she was.

Do not talk to her about anything but the kids as long as she insists on separation (which means she wants to bang other men and keep you as plan b if it doesn't work out). Let her know you are not there for her and you sure as hell wont be friends after the divorce.

Slipping up on the 180 is not a reason to give up on it.

See if you can get a picture of his off facebook to put on cheaterville.


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## Chaparral

Do not forget to separate bank accts, the point to all this is to show her how hard life is going to get?

He sounds like a player that wants one thing. A little pressure on him may work wonders.

The problem with that is if she comes back to you, there she'll be.


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## workindad

Don't be surprised if he doesn't come to town early now that she's free out of the house.


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## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Hope this works. I do love her!


The only shot you have at reigniting her attraction to you is to behave as if you are no longer attracted to her. Sounds easy, but it's hard (as you probably already know). You have to go against all your instincts and emotions, you have to push her away, if you cling to her you will only make things worse.

T


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## 6301

3kidsforlife said:


> We'll I told her she had to leave because it was not fair for me to feel like that and have to live in the same house. We did sit down with the kids and discuss a seep ration for a while. Not a divorce! To together we decided that. We work different shifts. So it was now or never and he is flying in on Friday so I couldn't watch that happen. She has to come back tonight after work and gather some stuff and talk about finances. Hope this works. I do love her!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 The mistake your making is your giving her a first class ticket to this guy. 

What your should have told her and you still could is this.

"If you leave and go meet this guy then you better ask him to buy you a ticket so you can go back to his house because your no longer welcome here. I will not put up with a cheating deceitful wife who will put some young kid over her family so have a good life and I'll see you in court." 

Put the ball in her court and let her do all the squirming. She started this mess and you can finish it. Do not play games with her. She isn't playing, well yes she is, she's playing you................and your family. The longer you sit and get wishy washy the more time she has to plan ahead.

I honestly think she thinks you'll take her back with no questions asked. Then what, another affair after this one craps out. Time to stand up and be accounted for and take charge if this situation.


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## 3kidsforlife

I do know she will ( at my worst dreams sleep with him) be with him when he comes to town. I couldn't stop that if she stayed. This way when I'm not sleeping on the coach I don't have to think she is sextexting him in my bed! I hope you are right and he just wants the p¥££y. I can't emagine the bloody mess he would if I met him or how long I would be in jail! During the younger years I spent way to much time there! New the guards by first name that's how often. Just hope me kicking her out puts her against the wall and makes her think why we both said I DO!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

This is why I suggested moving your post here. Tons of good advice. And support out of the wazoo. Listen to these people. Most here have walked down the path that you are currently going down.


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## 3kidsforlife

I did kick her out and did what you said you choose to do this and hurt your family you are no long aloud in this house. Except to get the kids. What I can't believe is she really isn't thinking about the kids at all. This must be some magical drug she is on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> I did kick her out and did what you said you choose to do this and hurt your family you are no long aloud in this house. Except to get the kids. What I can't believe is she really isn't thinking about the kids at all. This must be some magical drug she is on!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Filing for divorce and showing indifference will be your best friend.
She is deep in "the fog".


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## anchorwatch

Why are you on the couch. Get back in your bedroom. Your doing too much to just keep the peace. She wants out she leaves your bed.


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## TRy

3kidsforlife said:


> I do know she will ( at my worst dreams sleep with him) be with him when he comes to town. I couldn't stop that if she stayed.


 Let her know that if she has sex with him, that there will be no turning back on the divorce, and that if she does have sex with him, it always comes out in the end. Also, ask her if the other man likes children. Tell her that if he does not, and she just gives the children to you, the two of you can save a lot of divorce costs if you do not have to fight for custody.

The odds are not good for your marraige long term. That being said, your best odds are to hit her hard and fast with the reality of divorce. Your odds only get worse with time. Good luck and be well.


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## seasalt

If you will feel that you wouldn't be able to reconcile with her if she sleeps with him when he gets to town make it absolutely clear that she knows that. In that way she couldn't possibly blame you for the ultimate distruction of your marriage.

Good luck and stay strong,

Seasalt


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## 3kidsforlife

I do have to say it feels good to tell her to get out and she is hurting her family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000

I guess everyone has a problem with her using your money to connect with him, and changing everyone's schedule to accommodate their relationship.


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## 3kidsforlife

How do I let her now he is coming back in town. Only way I would now that is if I talked to her family that works with her! Can't do that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

separate finances asap.


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## 3kidsforlife

Always have had separate money don't worry about that dad taught me that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown

Get the divorce papers tomorrow. Have her sign away custody of the kids, no alimony for her, she pays child support, and alimony to you. 

Call her OM's employer tomorrow. Tell her family about her friday affair.


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## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> Always have had separate money don't worry about that dad taught me that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:
I take it then her family knows you will d her if she sleeps with him.
You took the high road and demanded respect.


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## Dyokemm

Expose this ASAP to ALL of your friends and family and hers. Make sure to give them the name of the POS who she is cheating with.

File paperwork for D and then do a 180 on her. Only discuss D proceedings and kids with her, otherwise do not talk to her at all.

Personally, I would grab a couple of friends and find this POS after he arrives Friday and confront him.

Let his scummy a** know there are consequences for F'ing up your children's family and lives.

Also, if he comes into your WW's work in any type of customer/business relationship, I would expose the A at her work.

If his visits in ANY way involve conducting business for his company, expose the POS to HIS employer.


----------



## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> I do know she will ( at my worst dreams sleep with him) be with him when he comes to town.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really don't think that it would be their first time...I think she's been banging OM for a while now. Follow the advice you've been given.


----------



## Chaparral

lordmayhem said:


> I really don't think that it would be their first time...I think she's been banging OM for a while now. Follow the advice you've been given.


That's why she has been so willing to leave. She is totally in the fog.

Put him on cheaterville and send him the link.

How far away does he live?


----------



## Chaparral

BTW, tell her HR dept what she is doing.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Chaparral said:


> BTW, tell her HR dept what she is doing.


I agree with this but get a lawyer, file, and get an order that the children may not be moved. If she loses her job she may want to go stay with him and you don't want her taking the kids if she does.

Of course, if she did show up on his doorstep unemployed with the kids that affair would be DRT, but not worth it to have the kids taken away. If she's willing to leave you and the kids you have no reason to ever reconcile with her, she's not a keeper.


----------



## Chaparral

What you are thinking is that you may run her off if you follow the advice here. She is already gone. If you follow the advice here you may bring her back. Being nice and telling her to get out just gives her permission to bang the other man.


----------



## Chaparral

Did you warn her you would divorce her if she went to wee him?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I think I screwed up a bit on the 180 plan. She didn't come home last night. Came to get the kids this morning and asked if I could call the phone company to get her off the plan. I asked if she could write down all the monthly bills she was paying. This lead into the conversation that I talked to the bank and am dumping the house. She said she was not cheating on me with this OM. And I said what is it than, told her that she was having an emotional affair. She said no she was not. She said I was the one that did not want to work it out. I said I would be willing to work it out any time. Sounded like she had a feeling to want to work it out. I then told her that I would file for a divorce. because she refused to work it out. I then told her that when this guy comes in to town on Friday if she sleeps with him there will never be any thing for us to go back to! She was questioning how I found all this out. I told her the internet.
The question is how bad did I screw up and should I do the phone thing because I like having the phone records in my court! What to do and why doesn't she think she is cheating!


----------



## Chaparral

Keep the phone as long as you can. She will probably gat a burner phone though. You didn't screw up. Its ok to talk to her like that if she brings it up. You did mess up by telling her you would work on things anytime but you kind of fixed that by telling her if she bangs hinm forget it. You should tell her if she's not back before om comes to town the divorce is on.


----------



## Chaparral

Btw, tell her doesn't matter if she admits to cheating, you think its cheating and that's what matters.

Be strong, its what women want. Be calm, tell her you will and the kids will be fine without her. Tell her there plenty of good women out there looking for good men.


----------



## Philat

_I then told her that when this guy comes in to town on Friday if she sleeps with him there will never be any thing for us to go back to! 

What to do and why doesn't she think she is cheating!_

Why "if she sleeps with him"? Why not "If she sees him at all or has any contact with him"? You've given her another way to rationalize herself out of trouble: "I didn't sleep with him, I just gave him a BJ out behind the dumpster."

Unrepentant cheaters either don't think they're doing anything wrong ("I deserve this") or else are so cynical about it that they can lie with impunity. Either way you as the victim of betrayal end up bewildered. This is where the 180 comes in.


----------



## anchorwatch

Did you expose yet?

Did you call the OM?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I do believe she does think she deserves this dream life. I have started talking to other friends and family. She was so hurt that I told my mom. I do not want to call him because I don't know if I could control myself and It could hurt me in the long run. Plusdon't you think this guy already knows about everything. Im sure she talks about some of this stuff with him.


----------



## The Middleman

Frankly, I think you need to show a lot more self confidence, be more decisive and don't be afraid to be a little nasty and take a "swipe" at both of them. Think it through of course but they hurt you, why not get back at them ... in a smart way. Women can smell fear in a man a mile away and my gut tells me she smells it in you, that's why she has her current attitude. Tell her parents, tell your friends, identify the OM to everyone and shame them both.


----------



## Tobyboy

Your WW called you lazy...right? She's probably told her lover the same! Show them both the opposite. Expose them. Call her HR department, call the OM and tell him your looking forward to meeting the man that's going to replace you as husband and father. 

Oh, your WW is now doing damage control. That's why now she's denying an affair. Time for you to nut-up!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs

The Middleman said:


> Frankly, I think you need to show a lot more self confidence, be more decisive and don't be afraid to be a little nasty and take a "swipe" at both of them. Think it through of course but they hurt you, why not get back at them ... in a smart way. Women can smell fear in a man a mile away and my gut tells me she smells it in you, that's why she has her current attitude. *Tell her parents, tell your friends, identify the OM to everyone and shame them both.*


Follow this advice. She's saying there's no affair and you're the one ending the marriage because she's planning to seamlessly integrate the OM into her life. He'll be the guy she met after you broke up her perfect family. He'll be the guy that saved her after you made her so sad. He'll be the hero of the story and you'll be the villain, but that script requires that everyone but you be ignorant of his identity before the end of the marriage. Tell everyone who she's cheating with and you'll shoot that plan down. Do it today.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I do believe that is why she wanted to waite till after the boys party. Because she wanted to see if this thing with OM could be more. Im sure they have a date planned for this weekend. She was very put off that she had to sleep at a different house(a friend of hers that has also had a marriage end because of her cheating ways).


----------



## doubletrouble

The sooner you accept and act like she's already gone, the easier it will be to attain the mindset you need. Whether you want her back or not isn't the issue right now. You are protecting your family. Someone has wedged himself in between your family elements, and you have to fight that in every way possible. You, and then your kids, are the important elements now. 

Your wife has already left the building. If she wants in, make her serach high and low for the damn key.


----------



## doubletrouble

3kidsforlife said:


> I do believe that is why she wanted to waite till after the boys party. Because she wanted to see if this thing with OM could be more. Im sure they have a date planned for this weekend. She was very put off that she had to sleep at a different house(a friend of hers that has also had a marriage end because of her cheating ways).


She's usng you and your kids as pawns in this game. The kids will hurt anyway. Birthday or not, it won't matter to them in a year, 5 years, etc. She put this ball in motion, not you.


----------



## Cubby

3kidsforlife, since you posted earlier that you've been arrested before, just another reminder through all of this that you have to be decisive, and in control. Cool, calm, confident. No frantic, angry outbursts on your part.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Cubby said:


> 3kidsforlife, since you posted earlier that you've been arrested before, just another reminder through all of this that you have to be decisive, and in control. Cool, calm, confident. No frantic, angry outbursts on your part.


:iagree: 

Let me add that you need to have a var on you at all times. With your record the cops are never going to take your word over hers on a false DV call, they'll just take you off to jail. Protect yourself.


----------



## lordmayhem

Nucking Futs said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Let me add that you need to have a var on you at all times. With your record the cops are never going to take your word over hers on a false DV call, they'll just take you off to jail. Protect yourself.


:iagree:

I'll post this again from the newbie thread. It's based on my experience in responding to DV calls as a cop. 


Have a VAR on you at all times, if you can, at least have a witness with you when you go home. Even better would be to have a VAR on you and have a witness. 
If she threatens you that she will call the cops on you, tell her calmly that you will have her charged with false reporting if she tries to lie to them about threatening her or hitting her. Hand her the phone and/or let her call if she wants to.
If she still ends up calling the cops....*keep your cool!* Do not raise your voice. Do not throw things around or mess up the house. You won't see them drive up because they will park the cruiser a couple of houses down the street. They WILL listen first before knocking. This is standard procedure. So it would NOT be a good idea to be yelling before they knock on the door.
When they knock on the door or ring the doorbell, *YOU* be the one to answer the door. In a *calm voice* greet the officer and ask what the problem is. I guarantee you that the cops are on alert and will be looking for a possible fight from you because domestic violence calls are one of the most dangerous calls, and many cops have been killed going into these situations. With you answering the door with a smile and a calm voice, it WILL immediately lower the tension and they will be more likely to listen to you. 
This is usually a 2 officer call, and one of them will be interviewing you and the other will be interviewing your wife, but you will be in the same room so they can watch each others backs. When you answer the door, DO NOT have anything in your hands, even the VAR. They will be watching your hands. Keep them in the open where they can see them. Do not put your hands in your pocket. If one officer is sent, do not be surprised or argue if they temporarily place you in handcuffs, this is for officer safety, because they don’t know if you’re violent or not. Once you show you are calm, non violent, and most importantly, not a threat, then they will likely remove the handcuffs. 
If she lies to the other officer and attempts to provoke you in front of them. *DO NOT*, I repeat *DO NOT respond*. Remain calm!!! The very worst thing you can do is get into a shouting match with her while they are present. Tell the officer calmly that you have a VAR and you can play it for him and ask him/her if you can get it out of your pocket or where ever you have it. Then play it to them to expose her lies. 

If you start arguing with the cops or with your WW and raising your voice, moving around, getting defensive, you are raising the tension and looking like the primary aggressor and a threat. Then they will put you in cuffs. And of course during this time the WW will be crying and putting on a show.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I am not that type of person with do battle with my wife that way. It was a comment for the OM. I have a plan in action for the OM to find out what he is doing by breaking up our family. Hope that works for him.


----------



## workindad

Your wife seems more than willing to blow up her marriage and family for a guy she says she is not having an affair with. 

Oh and she needs to get off if your phone plan so you can't see her calls. 

She is not a very good liar. I would be surprised if she hasn't already slept with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

3kidsforlife said:


> I am not that type of person with do battle with my wife that way. It was a comment for the OM. I have a plan in action for the OM to find out what he is doing by breaking up our family. Hope that works for him.


I hope it's not passive. I hope that it conveys you're not going to roll over easily and make way for him and her, to carry on and destroy your family.


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## 3kidsforlife

Question, Thursday is the oldest birthday and we have always taken them out to there favorite food place. If she asks to do this do I? I dont want to hurt my kids or piss them off at me!


----------



## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> Question, Thursday is the oldest birthday and we have always taken them out to there favorite food place. If she asks to do this do I? I dont want to hurt my kids or piss them off at me!


Of course you do this. Doing the 180 doesn't mean alienating your kids. Google the 180 please, since we can't post it here.


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## 3kidsforlife

i read an artical called "Living Through an Emotional Affair" pretty good artical. Should I give her a copy of it, it describes every thing she is going through.


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## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> i read an artical called "Living Through an Emotional Affair" pretty good artical. Should I give her a copy of it, it describes every thing she is going through.


You have said and done enough to her, now you need to show that your not fooling! Just show yourself confident and cold.
Try to get a copy of D. papers before friday and tell her be ready to sign as soon as she fxxks around.....
FACTS NO WORDS


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## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> i read an artical called "Living Through an Emotional Affair" pretty good artical. Should I give her a copy of it, it describes every thing she is going through.


No. Unless you want your WW and OM to make fun of you behind your back. 
Look, this affair has been going on longer than you think, and it's probably physical. You need to expose and seek legal advise. So far your cheating wife has faced no consequences for her actions. As for the OM, you can't reason with him because he's only interested in one thing....your W's pvssy!!! This guy needs to be thought a lesson. IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Question, called a lawyer and wow cant afford to do that! Barely make enough to make house payments and have food on the table. They are going to send me the disclaimer but how do i work that if i cant afford it?


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## harrybrown

Where do you live? 

I helped my son get a divorce, by filling out the paperwork myself.

I am not an attorney. There are many important issues, but the way your wife is going, print out the forms and fill it out yourself.


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## 3kidsforlife

MN, next question in case it comes up we are going to have a time ware both of us have off of work. Do I let her be at the house with me and the kids or do I tell her to take them some other place even though she does not have a place to go.


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## Chaparral

Google divorce for your state. You should be able to download papers you need. If notbyou should be able to pick up a divorce packet at the county courthouse. 
Btw, working different shifts is a huge problem for any marriage. I'm sure a lot of your problems stem from this.


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## Chaparral

Let your wife kniw youve got the divorce papers. She needs to be thinking hard on her actions.


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## anchorwatch

Go to your state court website and download the forms.. Let her see.them too.


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## vellocet

3kidsforlife said:


> I want to save the marriage, not push it away!


I hate to say it, but there is really nothing to save. That is unless you want to settle for being with someone that will strike up a romance with someone whenever things do perfectly go the way she wants. You either tow her line, or she will engage in an affair, emotional or otherwise.

Only thing I can say is I hope your kids aren't young and she plans to move to where this other man is and take them away from you.


----------



## vellocet

3kidsforlife said:


> 6301 you think I should kick her out and make her tell the kids! Plus one kids birthday on Thursday.


No, you can't legally kick her out. But you can ask her to leave.


----------



## vellocet

3kidsforlife said:


> Question, called a lawyer and wow cant afford to do that! Barely make enough to make house payments and have food on the table. They are going to send me the disclaimer but how do i work that if i cant afford it?


You do what I did. Take out a loan.


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## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Question, Thursday is the oldest birthday and we have always taken them out to there favorite food place. If she asks to do this do I? I dont want to hurt my kids or piss them off at me!


You take your kids out to eat. The two of you and the kids need to start getting used to your time with the kids and her time with the kids not overlapping. If she would not be home on thursday evening except for this don't expect her to be there for it and plan to do it on your own. You might want to explain to the kids that once your marriage ends they won't be spending special occasions with both of you any more, it will be one or the other.

Just in case you're not getting it, you should be trying to make all the consequences hit her rapid fire so she doesn't get a chance to recover between each thing. If you want to break this up you have to make it emotionally too difficult for her to continue, and this is just the kind of situation you need to drive that point home.



3kidsforlife said:


> i read an artical called "Living Through an Emotional Affair" pretty good artical. Should I give her a copy of it, it describes every thing she is going through.


No, don't give her anything. You have to be the stone cold hard-ass that she can respect instead of the begging, pleading wuss that she can despise. If she's not looking for this stuff herself she won't be receptive to it and it will hurt your standing.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Huge question have really stuck to 180 plan. And out of blue tonight she sends me a text saying what is my end game? She need to know because I'm pushing the other man away because he is afraid for him and his family( what ever that means). She says she wants me to be civil to him her and the kids! And wants me to promise. Did I scare the crap out of this guy or what!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Don't tell her anything. What did you do that supposedly scared him?


----------



## Chaparral

Of course if it were me I would tell her, "I'll get back to you after I get done cleaning my pistol."


----------



## turnera

You can't save a relationship unless you're willing to walk away from it. As long as she sees you desperate to keep her, she has all the power - and will not want you.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I just told her how I found all his information on line including his airplane ticket every thing! And this guy is scared of that yup he is worth it WOW!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> I just told her how I found all his information on line including his airplane ticket every thing! And this guy is scared of that yup he is worth it WOW!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't say a word. Let their imaginations run wild.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I think we would be able to work on it if he was not in the picture! I'm not saying it wouldn't take time but that hurt would be gone of the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Huge question have really stuck to 180 plan. And out of blue tonight she sends me a text saying what is my end game? She need to know because I'm pushing the other man away because he is afraid for him and his family( what ever that means). She says she wants me to be civil to him her and the kids! And wants me to promise. Did I scare the crap out of this guy or what!!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait a minute. What family?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I don't know if it's mommy or his family family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I am not desperate I have not jumped off the 180 plan. I honestly don't know what happened. I was trying to move on called a councler and everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Did you put his name and number in spokeo.com? Sometimes that gives relatives names.


----------



## Chaparral

Did you download divorce papers. Its great when they just spot them on the kitchen table.


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> I don't know if it's mommy or his family family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Google his name and see what you can find. Like Chap said. spokeo, intelius, and others will more than likely turn up all kinds of info.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Called my shrink and she said don't reply. I think the idea is there for this jerk. I might have told her that this guy would be a bloody mess if I met him. But that was like the first day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Syco

So much needless back and forth between the wife. 

Put the man on cheaterville, private message us the link and that's it. 

No more contact, unless it has to do with the kids. Even then you can do it by text. 

If I attempt to rob a bank but screw it up in the first couple of seconds, I'll get the same consequences as someone who managed to get to the money, escape, then get caught etc. 

Cheating is cheating.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She also said in the text with all the stuff I'm doing and the people finding his information. Is he scared that he will get 3 kids and an ex wife dumped on him or what is this guy thinking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngelSoft67

I think you should do you can to save your marriage. Look at the movie fireproof and read the book Love Dare.


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> She also said in the text with all the stuff I'm doing and the people finding his information. Is he scared that he will get 3 kids and an ex wife dumped on him or what is this guy thinking?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who cares what he's scared about. Give him more to be concerned with. 

3kfl, what do you want to happen here? What would your optimal end result be?


----------



## 3putt

AngelSoft67 said:


> I think you should do you can to save your marriage. Look at the movie fireproof and read the book Love Dare.


No, he needs to be focusing all his energies right now on running this POS off. There's time for cleaning up his side of the street later.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

3kidsforlife said:


> Huge question have really stuck to 180 plan. And out of blue tonight she sends me a text saying what is my end game? She need to know because I'm pushing the other man away because he is afraid for him and his family( what ever that means). She says she wants me to be civil to him her and the kids! And wants me to promise. Did I scare the crap out of this guy or what!!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's married or in a committed relationship. Oh and she is still contacting him and feeding him information. Oh crap, she may have told him about your jail history and he is scared.

She doesn't want you, she wants him. You are officially Plan B.


----------



## 3putt

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He's married or in a committed relationship. Oh and she is still contacting him and feeding him information.
> 
> She doesn't want you, she wants him. You are officially Plan B.


Meh, we're all usually Plan B in the midst of an affair. That's just the way it is. 

I do wish he would answer my questions though. Hard to help the guy if he won't lay out exactly want he wants his end result to be.


----------



## Dyokemm

She wants you to be civil to this POS that is destroying your family?

What F'ing planet does she live on?

Don't respond to her.

But continue to send the message to this scumbag that you will destroy his life in every way possible if he doesn't get the F out of your family's life.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

My end game would be to go through counseling to see if we can work it out! Not have some guy come between us. A big part of this is that I got lazy in life and didn't treat my wife the way I should have. So just a shot. Plus I'm a big sports guy and there is no second place!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> My end game would be to go through counseling to see if we can work it out! Not have some guy come between us. A big part of this is that I got lazy in life and didn't treat my wife the way I should have. So just a shot. Plus I'm a big sports guy and there is no second place!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alright, then get to work right now on finding out all you can on this POS so you can expose this properly. See if he has a wife and other family. Check Facebook and see what you can find there. 

Do your WW's parents know what's going on? Do her other relatives?

Read this. You don't need to read the whole thread, just page one. You'll find all you need there to make you understand why we're asking the questions we are.

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


----------



## anchorwatch

Did you let her know that's your end game. Did you tell her you recognize your faults and want to build some better.


----------



## poida

Sounds a lot like my situation - being the POS that gives and gives and gives but is nothing but a convenience to the other person while they reduce your life to rubble. It might be time to make some tough decisions mate. Don't let yourself feel guilty about the past. There is still an acceptance in society that it's Ok for women to cheat if they are "not looked after" in a relationship. That they can let it all happen to them (without really enacting a fix) and then say "well you are the one who......".
Not acceptable. Cheating is cheating and it is a clear breach of a marriage. If she wants you she has to PROVE IT and NOW.


----------



## poida

phillybeffandswiss said:


> He's married or in a committed relationship. Oh and she is still contacting him and feeding him information. Oh crap, she may have told him about your jail history and he is scared.
> 
> She doesn't want you, she wants him. You are officially Plan B.


Sorry, but yeah, you are plan B in the same way I am champ. hard to hear I know. The only solution to plan B is to call her on it.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She tried to call me all scared about this stuff but I hung up and said I'm which the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> She tried to call me all scared about this stuff but I hung up and said I'm which the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Forget about that. Did you read the thread I posted to you and does it make any sense? What ACTIONS do you plan on taking and how? This innuendo is fun and games but it will get you no where you want to be in the long run.


----------



## jim123

Shop around and see if you can file D. At least get the papers.

You are doing a great job Since OM has some type of business dealing with your WW company, send a certified letter to his company about the affair. 

Also send a note to her company as well.

Start the disclosure process.

Go get them.


----------



## the guy

The end game today is to continue to make the affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable to continue.

With exposure any one that meets this guy is already label a home wrecker so job well done on exposing this. 

No on the OM side you need to contact his family and ask for their support for your family and marriage and tell them why. 
Exposure is very important.

The end game is getting the OM out of the way and once this infection is gone then the both of you can work on building this marriage up.... But make no mistake you can't compete with new love so don't even think you can nice your way out of this. What you can do is get her to think twice...second guess what she is about to lose if she continues down this path.

From the sound of it it sounds like your jail fund is zero so going back in will be tough so sty clean. Without a jail fund it's hard to get food and smokesLOL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> My end game would be to go through counseling to see if we can work it out! Not have some guy come between us. A big part of this is that I got lazy in life and didn't treat my wife the way I should have. So just a shot. Plus I'm a big sports guy and there is no second place!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marriage Counseling (MC) is useless when your WS is in the middle of an affair. They are not receptive to any conseling when they are in that state. You have to kill the affair first and foremost. MC is for AFTER the affair is over. You have this false idea that MC is some kind of magic bullet to stop the affair, it is not.

There is also the danger of getting an incompetent/sh!tty counselor who has no idea about dealing with infidelity. Those incompetent counselors actually end up making things worse by enabling the WS's affair by shifting blame for the cause of the affair onto the BS (you). You may have to go thru several counselors to finally find a good one. There are stories on here about MCs actually making the affair worse. This is another reason why MC is only for AFTER an affair is over.


----------



## the guy

May I also suggest that you inform your old lady that if she wants to salvage what's left of *her* marriage she spends the time with her family when the OM is in town.

When Friday rolls around your old lady has a life changing decision to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

lordmayhem said:


> Marriage Counseling (MC) is useless when your WS is in the middle of an affair. They are not receptive to any conseling when they are in that state. You have to kill the affair first and foremost. MC is for AFTER the affair is over. You have this false idea that MC is some kind of magic bullet to stop the affair, it is not.


Yes today's end game is to end the affair....until then the marriage is toaste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Once the cancer is cut out then this marriage can heal with MC.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She came home end repeatedly asked my to just say the words that i will not go after him or his family( she said his mother). I did not say anything like that. I think she wanted me to condole the thing or not say im going to kill him. I just reashered her that we need to be there for the kids(witch she is not doing). I know no there is no quick fix but i do love my wife but she is on a drug right know and is not think staight. She even said something that she was not going to pay for her part of bill witch is electric. So I asked if she was going to have the power shut off on the kids. She didnt like that! I did put down my final draw line if she slept with him that i will not be here. she said its not cheating because we are getting a divorce, i said until i sign those papers we are still married. She said she is getting papers today i said i will not sign until after boys birthdays. witch is same time as this guy is coming to town. She has been some what honest so far during this. So if she come back and tells me she slept with him time to give up. Just trying to get day by day done! Very hard!


----------



## Tobyboy

So let's get this straight. She wants to protect the OM and his family, but does not give a chit about the well-being of her kids? And you still want this woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She is on a drug and doesn't know what's right right know she will when reality hits her. I just can't make life easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Have you told her parents and brothers/sisters yet that she is cheating?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Some of her family. I don't want to be the bad guy to her brother and dad they are my friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

So you told her brother and dad? Why not the rest?


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Some of her family. I don't want to be the bad guy to her brother and dad they are my friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't love your wife enough to go all out to save the marriage then just let her go. If you really wanted to save this you would do anything to kill this affair, and not telling her brother and dad because of how you'll look to them is tremendously weak.

ETA: I just read Turnera's response and I might have read your post wrong, but the base of it is correct. _Tell everyone!_


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> Some of her family. I don't want to be the bad guy to her brother and dad they are my friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately blood is thicker than water, and you will be the bad guy. Daddy will not like that his little girl is hurting and brother will want to play the role of protector, so they will both part ways with you. For your sake I hope it is amicable, but doubt it will be that way. She is being mean, aggressive, and demanding, so your uncooperative nature to not harm her sweetie will be leveraged against you to them. We see it all too many time on here. Even if they feel that what she is doing is wrong, they will still support her and drop you, or drop her and you, but either way they will not support you as time goes on.


----------



## Chaparral

Say nothing to her you don't want recorded


----------



## turnera

Squeakr said:


> Unfortunately blood is thicker than water, and you will be the bad guy. Daddy will not like that his little girl is hurting and brother will want to play the role of protector, so they will both part ways with you. For your sake I hope it is amicable, but doubt it will be that way. She is being mean, aggressive, and demanding, so your uncooperative nature to not harm her sweetie will be leveraged against you to them. We see it all too many time on here. Even if they feel that what she is doing is wrong, they will still support her and drop you, or drop her and you, but either way they will not support you as time goes on.


Possible but not necessary. The only hope he has is to expose the affair so that choosing the OM is a sticky choice.


----------



## doubletrouble

OP would know their personalities best. I would think if they are friends, even though they are siblings/relatives, they would give due consideration to him. I know if my sister's bf came to me and said that, I would have to ask her wtf she was doing.


----------



## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> She came home end repeatedly asked my to just say the words that i will not go after him or his family( she said his mother). I did not say anything like that. I think she wanted me to condole the thing or not say im going to kill him. I just reashered her that we need to be there for the kids(witch she is not doing). I know no there is no quick fix but i do love my wife but she is on a drug right know and is not think staight. She even said something that she was not going to pay for her part of bill witch is electric. So I asked if she was going to have the power shut off on the kids. She didnt like that! I did put down my final draw line if she slept with him that i will not be here. she said its not cheating because we are getting a divorce, i said until i sign those papers we are still married. She said she is getting papers today i said i will not sign until after boys birthdays. witch is same time as this guy is coming to town. She has been some what honest so far during this. So if she come back and tells me she slept with him time to give up. Just trying to get day by day done! Very hard!


You're attempting to force her back into the marriage. This never works. 

LET HER GO


----------



## Squeakr

turnera said:


> Possible but not necessary. The only hope he has is to expose the affair so that choosing the OM is a sticky choice.


I totally agree. Was just showing what will happen. It always does when things go south, the family back the family, or they back no one. Rarely do you see the family back the BS that is not their blood and cut ties with the WS. IF they do this, eventually they reverse this and accept the WS back into their circle and work the BS out of it.


----------



## Squeakr

doubletrouble said:


> OP would know their personalities best. I would think if they are friends, even though they are siblings/relatives, they would give due consideration to him. I know if my sister's bf came to me and said that, I would have to ask her wtf she was doing.


Agreed on that part, but if you had to make a choice between the two (unless you are an unusual case) you will choose your sister. You will support her in everything but the A, but still support her in the rest of her life and cut ties with the BF eventually. As much as I did for my inlaws, when she cheated they all backed her and dropped me like I was a leper. I was the only one that ever helped them, they were both disabled, her Dad has since died due to his MS issues, but they both turned on me, even though they relied on me for most everything around the house.


----------



## turnera

But in the meantime, exposing the affair can KILL the affair and you may end up not separating from the cheater, so that outcome may not be necessary.


----------



## Squeakr

turnera said:


> But in the meantime, exposing the affair can KILL the affair and you may end up not separating from the cheater, so that outcome may not be necessary.


I see now what you are getting at, and agree this can be a very possible and likely outcome, but unless you are very close with these people, the exposure will still throw a wrench into your relationship with them and they will view you with suspect and in a different light in the future. I still agree on exposure is necessary as you say (just wanted to give him perspective that the A has and will affect his relationship with them no matter what).


----------



## 3putt

Squeakr said:


> I see now what you are getting at, and agree this can be a very possible and likely outcome, but unless you are very close with these people, *the exposure will still throw a wrench into your relationship with them and they will view you with suspect and in a different light in the future. * I still agree on exposure is necessary as you say (just wanted to give him perspective that the A has and will affect his relationship with them no matter what).


Not if it's done for the express purpose of fighting for his wife and family. While, in time, it may come to that later if divorce occurs in the mean time they will see which one of them is doing the right thing by their marriage and children.

I would be calling every family member with a pulse right now to put the pressure on her and bring her secret life into the light of day. Exposure is vital.

But no one can make him do it.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Right now I think it's best to cut ties except with kids and let things happen. I've put fear in to this guy told her the actions and see what happens. Don't you think!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

Squeakr said:


> Agreed on that part, but if you had to make a choice between the two (unless you are an unusual case) you will choose your sister. You will support her in everything but the A, but still support her in the rest of her life and cut ties with the BF eventually. As much as I did for my inlaws, when she cheated they all backed her and dropped me like I was a leper. I was the only one that ever helped them, they were both disabled, her Dad has since died due to his MS issues, but they both turned on me, even though they relied on me for most everything around the house.


Yes, that is all true, and I thought about adding that. My sister has been around all my life, and I suppose she always will be. But I would sure be telling her that what's going on is crap, how bad it hurts, how it makes her look, what I think of it, that I think less of her in ways because of it, those kinds of things. 

Now, I'm sure not going to take ownership of her mistakes, and I won't disown her. But I will show her what an ugly choice she's making and how it reflects on her. And if the guy wants to stay in my life and I am friends with him, I can choose that. I'm not betraying my sister by doing that. 

Bottom line is that's true, blood is thicker than water. BUT... if I see my sibling's moral compass has gone off kilter, I'll call her on it.


----------



## Squeakr

3putt said:


> Not if it's done for the express purpose of fighting for his wife and family.


I still don't believe the reason will change their opinions and reactions. They will still have issues with a relationship with the BS. You may have different experiences, but every time I have seen it personally it strains the relationship, no matter the reason or outcome of the marriage (R or D), it strains the relationship between the BS and the WS's relatives..


----------



## 3putt

Squeakr said:


> I still don't believe the reason will change their opinions and reactions. They will still have issues with a relationship with the BS. You may have different experiences, but every time I have seen it personally it strains the relationship, no matter the reason or outcome of the marriage (R or D), it strains the relationship between the BS and the WS's relatives..


Have you read any threads around here to see what happens when full exposure takes place?? This is the #1 step in affair busting. I'm not saying that over time what you say won't happen, but WAY more often than not the ILs are infuriated that their child could stoop to such lows. In their minds it reflects on their child rearing. At least initially it does, and that's usually the only chance you have, which is why exposure must take place all at once....a tsunami of truth.

It also prevents the BS from getting painted as the devil reincarnate, which will happen if he doesn't take care of business first.

This is simply how it's done, and it works.....if done right.

How do you think his FIL would feel if he know his SIL had the power to stop this before it happened and didn't lift a finger to do anything about it? If I were the FIL, I would think my SIL was a coward and not near man enough for my daughter.

But if he just wants to sit idly by while another man just comes in and swoops up his family right out from underneath him, then more power to him. Nothing any of us can do to help him with that.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Plus still have the going to happen to him on Friday. This is probably the hardest thing I've gone through. And I just lost my dad a two months ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

3putt said:


> Have you read any threads around here to see what happens when full exposure takes place?? This is the #1 step in affair busting. I'm not saying that over time what you say won't happen, but WAY more often than not the ILs are infuriated that their child could stoop to such lows. In their minds it reflects on their child rearing. At least initially it does, and that's usually the only chance you have, which is why exposure must take place all at once....a tsunami of truth.
> 
> It also prevents the BS from getting painted as the devil reincarnate, which will happen if he doesn't take care of business first.
> 
> This is simply how it's done, and it works.....if done right.
> 
> How do you think his FIL would feel if he know his SIL had the power to stop this before it happened and didn't lift a finger to do anything about it? If I were the FIL, I would think my SIL was a coward and not near man enough for my daughter.
> 
> But if he just wants to sit idly by while another man just comes in and swoops up his family right out from underneath him, then more power to him. Nothing any of us can do to help him with that.


Yes, I am aware of the threads. I have experienced it first hand as well. I did the exposure exactly as it should be done and everything you speculated would happen, didn't (except for the A ending)!!! The fact is that she had been bad mouthing me and been making up things about me for so many years, all everyone saw was a WS getting out of a bad marriage the only way she knew how. All her friends and family viewed it the same way she did, as an act of desperation and supported her in everything she did. They even accused me of making the situation be so bad that she had no other choice (and I have seen this exact same thing happen first hand with several different friends as well, all with the same ending, relationships destroyed and the A ended).

Yes the exposure ended the A in all cases, but it also ended the relationships/ friendships between the relatives and the BS. No need to lecture me. I have lived it through my own situation and that of 4 other couples I was friends with.

You seem to be overlooking all the threads where the family was appalled yet still supported the WS, and that is what I am talking about. Before you berate me for not understand, read them on this forum as they exist in droves and you will see that not always does the relationship survive!


----------



## 3putt

Squeakr said:


> Yes, I am aware of the threads. I have experienced it first hand as well. I did the exposure exactly as it should be done and everything you speculated would happen, didn't (except for the A ending)!!! The fact is that she had been bad mouthing me and been making up things about me for so many years, all everyone saw was a WS getting out of a bad marriage the only way she knew how. All her friends and family viewed it the same way she did, as an act of desperation and supported her in everything she did. They even accused me of making the situation be so bad that she had no other choice (and I have seen this exact same thing happen first hand with several different friends as well, all with the same ending, relationships destroyed and the A ended).
> 
> Yes the exposure ended the A in all cases, but it also ended the relationships/ friendships between the relatives and the BS. No need to lecture me. I have lived it through my own situation and that of 4 other couples I was friends with.
> 
> You seem to be overlooking all the threads where the family was appalled yet still supported the WS, and that is what I am talking about. Before you berate me for not understand, read them on this forum as they exist in droves and you will see that not always does the relationship survive!


No one ever said there are any guarantees but it is still, and always will be, the best way to bust up an affair. Sorry your sitch turned out the way it did, but you apparently been set up and defiled long before you had a clue as to what was going on. That's not usually the case.

What do you think he really has to lose at this point? Nothing as far as I see it....except his family.


----------



## Chaparral

3putt said:


> not if it's done for the express purpose of fighting for his wife and family. While, in time, it may come to that later if divorce occurs in the mean time they will see which one of them is doing the right thing by their marriage and children.
> 
> I would be calling every family member with a pulse right now to put the pressure on her and bring her secret life into the light of day. Exposure is vital.
> 
> But no one can make him do it.


word


----------



## Squeakr

3putt said:


> No one ever said there are any guarantees but it is still, and always will be, the best way to bust up an affair. Sorry your sitch turned out the way it did, but you apparently been set up and defiled long before you had a clue as to what was going on. That's not usually the case.
> 
> What do you think he really has to lose at this point? Nothing as far as I see it....except his family.


Everyone I know in this situation was set up in the same way I was, so it isn't a unique thing.

As for what he has to lose? Nothing, it is already lost! I am telling him that it is already lost and not to count on the friendships after exposure. You misread me as stating he shouldn't expose, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I feel that he need to expose fully and to everyone! I am also saying that he needs to realize in advance that he is going to lose this friendship/ relationship and their is nothing he can do, the path is already set as he was worried about exposure ruining them. The damage is already done and there is nothing he can do to save it, so not to worry about it and just expose.


----------



## doubletrouble

3putt said:


> But if he just wants to sit idly by while another man just comes in and swoops up his family right out from underneath him, then more power to him. Nothing any of us can do to help him with that.


His W is the one allowing that to happen isn't she? She's going to bang this guy no matter what. She's GONE. And nothing any of us can do to help him with _that_.


----------



## 3putt

Squeakr said:


> Everyone I know in this situation was set up in the same way I was, so it isn't a unique thing.
> 
> As for what he has to lose? Nothing, it is already lost! I am telling him that it is already lost and not to count on the friendships after exposure. You misread me as stating he shouldn't expose, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I feel that he need to expose fully and to everyone! I am also saying that he needs to realize in advance that he is going to lose this friendship/ relationship and their is nothing he can do, the path is already set as he was worried about exposure ruining them. The damage is already done and there is nothing he can do to save it, so not to worry about it and just expose.


Okay, fair enough. Looks like we are more in agreement than either of us realized.

BTW, I'm not irritated at you, but at him. My bad if I came off that way.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I just want to say her family( the ones that know) know that I am one of the good guys that takes good care of the family. Not an ahole. I might have damaged one relation ship with her sister but by no means is she on her side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

3putt said:


> Okay, fair enough. Looks like we are more in agreement than either of us realized.
> 
> BTW, I'm not irritated at you, but at him. My bad if I came off that way.


It's all good. It was frustrating as I could see were on the same page, giving the same advice, but I couldn't seem to get it across correctly and clearly I guess.


----------



## 3putt

doubletrouble said:


> His W is the one allowing that to happen isn't she? She's going to bang this guy *no matter what*. She's GONE. And nothing any of us can do to help him with _that_.


_No matter what_ is kind of dubious, isn't it? He gets on the phone and starts doing what he should have started last night, and she may not even have an opportunity. If it doesn't accomplish what's it's designed to do then he's no worse off than he is right now.


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> I just want to say her family( the ones that know) know that I am one of the good guys that takes good care of the family. Not an ahole. I might have damaged one relation ship with her sister but by no means is she on her side.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope this is true, as that was my same impression of my situation, but once it came to light, boy was I wrong and snowed!! The whole truth of what they thought of me came out (even though I was the golden boy up to that point).


----------



## Chaparral

Squeakr said:


> Yes, I am aware of the threads. I have experienced it first hand as well. I did the exposure exactly as it should be done and everything you speculated would happen, didn't (except for the A ending)!!! The fact is that she had been bad mouthing me and been making up things about me for so many years, all everyone saw was a WS getting out of a bad marriage the only way she knew how. All her friends and family viewed it the same way she did, as an act of desperation and supported her in everything she did. They even accused me of making the situation be so bad that she had no other choice (and I have seen this exact same thing happen first hand with several different friends as well, all with the same ending, relationships destroyed and the A ended).
> 
> Yes the exposure ended the A in all cases, but it also ended the relationships/ friendships between the relatives and the BS. No need to lecture me. I have lived it through my own situation and that of 4 other couples I was friends with.
> 
> You seem to be overlooking all the threads where the family was appalled yet still supported the WS, and that is what I am talking about. Before you berate me for not understand, read them on this forum as they exist in droves and you will see that not always does the relationship survive!


Wyhen a wife cheats, there is only about a 20% chance the marriage survives. According to you, your wife checked out years ago.

In this case the affair may not have gone physical. Op has to do everything he can, especially exposure. If it doesn't work so be it. I don't see him losing anything a divorce won't lose anyway.

All her family is going to know is what she lies and tells them. He needs to set the record straight now. When her friends find out , she's going to lose a lot of them too.


----------



## 3putt

Chaparral said:


> Wyhen a wife cheats, there is only about a 20% chance the marriage survives. According to you, your wife checked out years ago.
> 
> In this case the affair may not have gone physical. Op has to do everything he can, especially exposure. If it doesn't work so be it. I don't see him losing anything a divorce won't lose anyway.
> 
> All her family is going to know is what she lies and tells them. He needs to set the record straight now. When her friends find out , she's going to lose a lot of them too.


And you know something else 3kfl? When your WW wakes up from all this (exposure has a way of doing that) and realizes what she's done she just might actually gain a measure of respect for you for fighting for your family. Women have a way of respecting and gravitating towards fighters.

You've already got this wuss cornered, and you're just gonna let him out unscathed??


----------



## doubletrouble

3putt said:


> _No matter what_ is kind of dubious, isn't it? He gets on the phone and starts doing what he should have started last night, and she may not even have an opportunity. If it doesn't accomplish what's it's designed to do then he's no worse off than he is right now.


Yeah I should probably back off from that one a bit, good point.

OP said she was going to meet him, and she seemed really firm about meeting him "It's not cheating because..." but there's a chance it won't happen. 

OP, just know it aint worth going to jail over.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I now it will be a long road if it works but I have to at least try call me old fation but I still think there is only one wife in a life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Then you better tell her dad and brother too.


----------



## turnera

I'm sorry for your loss. 

So clear this up - did you expose to her whole family or not?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

If papers are filed can divorce be stopped any time or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> If papers are filed can divorce be stopped any time or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes check your state though on how long.


----------



## anchorwatch

*Re: Re: need help with wife emotional affair*



3kidsforlife said:


> If papers are filed can divorce be stopped any time or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Anytime before the judge signs the decree. You can also remarry your ex. Why would you go through that? 

I had a cousin remarry his XWW. They were married for a total of 48 years. Never thought he do it, as he almost killed her when he found out.


----------



## movin on

You scared the sh/t outa this guy but is he still planning on hooking up with her Friday?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

3putt said:


> That's just the way it is.


*shrugs* So is his reaction.


3kidsforlife said:


> I just want to say her family( the ones that know) know that I am one of the good guys that takes good care of the family. Not an ahole. I might have damaged one relation ship with her sister but by no means is she on her side.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> Some of her family. I don't want to be the bad guy to her brother and dad they are my friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll point it out any time he decides to "nice" her back into the marriage or worries about what others think while he is trying to save his family.


----------



## 3putt

phillybeffandswiss said:


> *shrugs* So is his reaction.
> 
> I'll point it out any time he decides to "nice" her back into the marriage or worries about what others think while he is trying to save his family.


Oh, I agree completely. Why do you think I got so incensed today? Can't stand to see this play out like this. If you're gonna go down, at least go down fighting like hell and like a man.


----------



## tom67

3putt said:


> Oh, I agree completely. Why do you think I got so incensed today? Can't stand to see this play out like this. If you're gonna go down, at least go down fighting like hell and like a man.


:iagree::iagree:
When you have everything to gain and nothing to lose that's what you should do imo.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

3putt, I know, I am in agreement. He claims he is old fashioned, but he is doing the new age role reversal crap.

The guys I grew up under wouldn't have let their wife meet another guy, let alone plan a meet up, tell them how to act right towards an affair partner, make promises that protect the person and then have the gall to worry about the other man's family as well.

These are all people who believed in one wife for life. They also believed in respect and self respect. Nope, none were abusive they said if she chose him you aren't my wife.


----------



## 3putt

phillybeffandswiss said:


> These are all people who believed in one wife for life. They also believed in respect and self respect. Nope, none were abusive they said if she chose him you aren't my wife.


If that's what someone chooses, then fine; no problem with it. Just don't waste our time asking for advice on what to do. I thought it was clear he wanted this broken up for a chance at recovery. Why come to us if he's one and done? There are other boards and websites for back patting and there-theres.


----------



## the guy

You all know what really sucks...this chick is going to do the OM and justify it by having a divorce(yet not finalized) but in her mind all the same.

This WW is going to get used or the POSOM sucks in bed with a small penis and in a matter of time she will have such a huge regret.

Its so sad knowing we can't control our waywards but yet we all know we have to let them go and only the newbies don't see the manipulative crap that is on their way in a few months.

By Easter, OP will get the " I want to make this work" or my favorite " I thought you didn't care".

Maybe if OP is lucky by Saturday morning she will come crying back with "OM just wanted to used me" ...na that aint luck.... luck would be more down the lines of her coming out of the fog and coming home early Friday to be with her family.

Dude at the end of the day you have set your boundries and the line is drawn in the sand...you cant control if she will cross the line but you can control what you will tolorate.

I would not contact the WW but I would contact the BIL, the FIL and the OM parents and ask for their support for your family and inform them that if this affair continues you will not tolerate the betrayal and for your own emotional protect will need to follow thru with a divorce.


When exposing it is important to ask for support versus telling on the affair, it makes it sound like your the good guy who wants to protect his family versus a jealous ex husband.

exposure is so important.
you just have to make it sound like its not you its them. make sense?

See your not being a vandictive ex husband but a married man protecting him self emotional torture...

As far as your old lady is concerned, your done, as far as others are concerned .... you want to ask them for support for the family unit. lets face it talking to your chick anymore is useless!

Did I mention how exposure was so important


----------



## the guy

Hey who is the most influencial person in your chicks life? are they an allie of the family unit?

Sometimes if a wayward has someone they respect and admire...like a grandparent or an aunt exposing the affair to this said person can help bring your WW out of her addiction....hell mabye turn it into a intervention....as long as your not their!!!!

On an end note keep on keepin on and work the 180 but gather allies to make the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.

Did I mention how important exposure was and how to do it?


----------



## Chaparral

It sounds like he's already given up. Too bad.


----------



## the guy

The end game to all this crap is "I want my marriage but I will not sacrifice my self respect so if any one cares about my family they will do what they can to advise their sister, daughter, or niece to think twice in what she is about to give up on"

Same goes for the OM side...do they really want their son, brother or cuosin to take on a divorced mother with kids and a felon ex husband???

Did I mention why and how exposing an affair is so important?


----------



## 3putt

Chaparral said:


> It sounds like he's already given up. Too bad.


Yep. Oh well.


----------



## the guy

BTW this aint about begging for your marriage this is about exposing to other who just might give a damn about keeping a family unit together while the one they love is willing to throw it all away for some POS who just wants to phuck a married chick.

And from what it sounds like the POS might not have the balls to do the heavy lifting to go thru with it....hopefully the POS finds easier pry and bails on trying to screw an ex con's women!

Dude expose this crap for what it really is and maybe the POS will bail. Your old lady is so afraid of losing this POS and thats a good thing!After the phucker is gone you guys can rebuild this family.

what suck is even after the POS bails your old lady is going to come down hard.


----------



## the guy

3putt said:


> Yep. Oh well.


OP can't give up...I just started following his thread.

He is right ...his chick is severly fogged in and thats why I see the huge regret coming her way.

OP knows alot about respect and when he was in he got alot more respect then hes getting from his chick right now.

I didn't do a lot of time but even in county respect is all I had.


----------



## workindad

3kidsforlife said:


> She came home end repeatedly asked my to just say the words that i will not go after him or his family( she said his mother). I did not say anything like that. I think she wanted me to condole the thing or not say im going to kill him. I just reashered her that we need to be there for the kids(witch she is not doing). I know no there is no quick fix but i do love my wife but she is on a drug right know and is not think staight. She even said something that she was not going to pay for her part of bill witch is electric. So I asked if she was going to have the power shut off on the kids. She didnt like that! I did put down my final draw line if she slept with him that i will not be here. she said its not cheating because we are getting a divorce, i said until i sign those papers we are still married. She said she is getting papers today i said i will not sign until after boys birthdays. witch is same time as this guy is coming to town. She has been some what honest so far during this. So if she come back and tells me she slept with him time to give up. Just trying to get day by day done! Very hard!



Who gives a rip about what POSOM wants. He didn't check with you first before he started an affair with your wife. You owe that d-bag nothing. If he says please don't, be sure you do.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Big questions she came home nice and says no matter what we are getting a divorce and then she and I started talking about the divorce and how it would happen. Did I just totally f up or what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

3putt said:


> I thought it was clear he wanted this broken up for a chance at recovery.


Sorry, I think he was clear on being a married family unit is the number one priority. If the family stays together, it is more important than breaking up the possible meet up. 


We may be reading it differently.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She wants tonight to have the family together because we there for the sons birthday. What to do what to do. I want to be nice but should I?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Help help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Big questions she came home nice and says no matter what we are getting a divorce and then she and I started talking about the divorce and how it would happen. Did I just totally f up or what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WILL YOU QUIT LISTENING TO A GODDAMNED WORD A RAMBLING DRUNK HAS TO SAY?????????? How many times to we have to keep saying this?

Alright, are you ready to get to work or just lay down and take it up the keister? You're totally fvcking up by sitting on your ass and doing nothing.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So what do I do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

Do us all a favor and go back and read your thread from the beginning. Minus anything YOU wrote at all.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

3kidsforlife said:


> Big questions she came home nice and says no matter what we are getting a divorce and then she and I started talking about the divorce and how it would happen. Did I just totally f up or what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting, you tend to talk past people why?

Anyway, she told you from the beginning she wanted a divorce. Everything you did PRIOR to coming here didn't work. So, how did you or by proxy the advice on TAM mess this up?


----------



## turnera

Tell her this: "I agree. I want to divorce if you're going to **** on this marriage by cheating on me. I deserve better than this. Let's go get boxes tonight after son's birthday dinner, and we can come home and pack up your stuff."

PS: This will scare the crap out of her and make her rethink her decision, if YOU are ready to leave HER.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

What did I mess up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

The dinner is at the house because by law I can't kick her out she refuses to leave
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> What did I mess up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For starters? Everything. Go back and re-read EVERYTHING that has been written to you minus what you wrote.

Please. We gave you a road map for your best shot at this. Why should we keep typing if we already know you're going to keep ignoring.

Go read


----------



## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> The dinner is at the house because by law I can't kick her out she refuses to leave
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I meant to go out to the home store after the dinner to get boxes. Show her you're ready for her to get the hell out.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So your saying I am giving her a pass
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

We are saying you're being a wuss. An alpha male would be saying "If you don't agree to never contact that man again, I'm calling my lawyer right NOW." An alpha male would never tolerate his wife treating him the way yours is treating you, and he would make it CLEAR that he will not tolerate being disrespected. He may tolerate her presence this one night, for the sake of their son, but outside his son's view, he would have nothing to do with her until she repents or is gone.


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> So your saying I am giving her a pass
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

3kidsforlife said:


> Big questions she came home nice and says no matter what we are getting a divorce and then she and I started talking about the divorce and how it would happen. Did I just totally f up or what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She wants what she wants and is tries to justify this hook up.... In the end she will have regret.... You can't phucked up someone that is already phucked up!

Stop dealing with a fogged up affair addict and work on your alleis that will work on your chick....dude you. An work on your chick... Your the enemy so stop engaging her ... You will always be wrong your will alway be against her

180 your old lady and work on other folks that will pick up his fight for you!


Go dark and let others do you bidding on making this affair as in oncogene t and as uncomfortable as possible .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tainted

3kidsforlife said:


> The dinner is at the house because by law I can't kick her out she refuses to leave
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By law nothing says you can't have her stuff packed away in the garage either.


----------



## anchorwatch

Did you read this...

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Keep making the A uncomfortable and do this.


----------



## 3putt

tainted said:


> By law nothing says you can't have her stuff packed away in the garage either.


Or in a rental facility 100 miles away paid for for 1 month. He just can't stop her from bringing it back.

Or, he could re-read his damned thread and do what we have instructed him to do and have it never get that far. That would seem to be the most rational thing to do. Right?


----------



## cool12

3kidsforlife said:


> Big questions she came home nice and says no matter what we are getting a divorce and then she and I started talking about the divorce and how it would happen. Did I just totally f up or what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


she messed up when she checked out of your marriage and started dating the posom.

it's clear she is done with you and ready to move on on. let her go. open the front door for her and let her cheatin azz walk out. hold your head up high and start working on how you will move forward. stop standing the fck still looking like a weak man. get her out and move on!


----------



## cool12

3kidsforlife said:


> So your saying I am giving her a pass
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you didn't give her sht. she decided to take what she wanted. 
let her have it and go be the best dad you can be. those kids need you, not a pretend marriage where you look like a doormat.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

3kidsforlife said:


> What did I mess up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being strong. Since you won't think or yourself, think of your kids. They have a great dinner/birthday and your terrible wife wants to have a "divorce" talk when everyone is happy?
Do you realize how ignorant, arrogant and hurtful that will be to your kids?

Do you realize they will resent YOU because you went along with her crap?

I'd have got all up in her butt way before this event. Your children will blame you and her for ruining this day.


----------



## Philat

3kidsforlife said:


> Big questions she came home nice and says no matter what we are getting a divorce and then she and I started talking about the divorce and how it would happen. Did I just totally f up or what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, I'll try. She thinks she is dictating the terms of your relationship (or its end), and you are letting her by thinking that the only good outcome for you is for her to drop OM and come running back to you. She's not going to do this as long as she knows that's what you want.

You can take charge by not only agreeing to the divorce but actually taking steps to make it happen. Show her that you are ready to move on without her. If you do this two things can happen: 1) she emerges from the fog and rejoins her family (less likely, probably), or 2) you are freed from a cheating [email protected] Either way you win.

You think you effed up because she's talking divorce. If you have effed up it's by allowing her to use this as a weapon against you.


----------



## 3putt

Philat said:


> OK, I'll try. She thinks she is dictating the terms of your relationship (or its end), and you are letting her by thinking that the only good outcome for you is for her to drop OM and come running back to you. She's not going to do this as long as she knows that's what you want.
> 
> You can take charge by not only agreeing to the divorce but actually taking steps to make it happen. Show her that you are ready to move on without her. If you do this two things can happen: 1) she emerges from the fog and rejoins her family (less likely, probably), or 2) you are freed from a cheating [email protected] Either way you win.
> 
> You think you effed up because she's talking divorce. If you have effed up it's by allowing her to use this as a weapon against you.


I think the bigger mistake here is he is trying to play the logic card with an illogical opponent. Waywards don't understand logic; they only understand blunt force actions and consequences. He's got it stuck in his mind that he's conversing with the same person he married and nothing could be further from the truth. He's conversing with an addle minded, drunk alien. That's what they are in this frame of mind.

If he wants to get her attention (and maybe even respect) he needs to digest what I, and many others, have supplied him with and launch it as prescribed.

The giving what she wants part? Yeah, I agree with that. But do it after he's exhausted all he has nuking what's headed his way. It's not very often we have a chance to head this off at the pass the way we have here, and it's extremely disheartening to see all our advice ignored because he's afraid.

He needs to adopt the philosophy of "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead", and then employ the rest as an aftershock.

It may not work (no guarantees), but it sure as hell will get her attention.


----------



## 3putt

3K, I hope you are reading and digesting what we've told you to do. We're not just spouting off here. We do care.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I went mid evil and told her I would kick his ass Gail or not. She started crying and said i win and will be you pretty little wife. What does this mean. Did I win on OM or just stopped this guy and she will think about us after awhile
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Yes her dad know now she beat me to him he is not happy. I think I am to the point I would truly go ape crap on this guy but if she is that scared of me doing this it must be working right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> So I went mid evil and told her I would kick his ass Gail or not. She started crying and said i win and will be you pretty little wife. What does this mean. Did I win on OM or just stopped this guy and she will think about us after awhile
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you're standing tall now, but that's not enough, pal. Have you reread what we have all posted to you?

This "Me Tarzan, you Jane" crap won't last beyond her waking up tomorrow. Remember, her luvva is coming to town in less than 48 hours. Are you ready to get serious or not?

There's a method here, and it's tried and true. If you don't follow it, there's simply not much we can do to help you bust this up.

Uh, am I assuming too much that's still your intent?


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Yes her dad know now she beat me to him he is not happy. I think I am to the point I would truly go ape crap on this guy but if she is that scared of me doing this it must be working right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just what does he know?


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> So I went mid evil and told her I would kick his ass Gail or not. She started crying and said i win and will be you pretty little wife. What does this mean. Did I win on OM or just stopped this guy and she will think about us after awhile
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congratulations, you've convinced her to take it underground. 

Have you noticed 3putt telling you repeatedly to re-read your thread? Did you see anyone suggesting you physically threaten this guy? I'm assuming you didn't read the advice you were given or you would have remembered the part about _not making threats where there is a chance you could be recorded._ You would have also seen where we advised you several times to have a recorder on you at all times when interacting with her for your own protection. Do you suppose someone might have given her that same advice? :banghead:


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> Congratulations, you've convinced her to take it underground.
> 
> Have you noticed 3putt telling you repeatedly to re-read your thread? Did you see anyone suggesting you physically threaten this guy? I'm assuming you didn't read the advice you were given or you would have remembered the part about _not making threats where there is a chance you could be recorded._ You would have also seen where we advised you several times to have a recorder on you at all times when interacting with her for your own protection. Do you suppose someone might have given her that same advice? :banghead:


:slap::slap::banghead:


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Her mom just called my what did you do she is giving up on this guy and taking her family back WHAT did I win something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

No she barley knows how to run a smartphone. Plus I have every thing in house on lock down including phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Her mom just called my what did you do she is giving up on this guy and taking her family back WHAT did I win something
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, are you NOW starting to see how exposure works????

Just what have you done, BTW. You really haven't said a damned thing, yet now her father and mother both know? (That is good though)

You're really starting to annoy me with your apathy towards all of us that are trying like hell to help you. We don't get paid for this you know.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I do thank you all very much! I also don't believe all people are the same. Some people like her are just so drugged they don't see the crap hit the fan. So far you all have been right half the time. So I half to pick and choose what to do. Remember my end game is to work on my marriage and have a chance to have a marraige.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> I do thank you all very much! I also don't believe all people are the same. Some people like her are just so drugged they don't see the crap hit the fan. So far you all have been right half the time. So I half to pick and choose what to do. Remember my end game is to work on my marriage and have a chance to have a marraige.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alright, best of luck to you.


----------



## Thound

3kidsforlife said:


> I do thank you all very much! I also don't believe all people are the same. Some people like her are just so drugged they don't see the crap hit the fan. So far you all have been right half the time. So I half to pick and choose what to do. Remember my end game is to work on my marriage and have a chance to have a marraige.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck. We will probably hear from you again.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

What I have done is treated this guy how he needs to be treated and he will run to the hills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> What I have done is treated this guy how he needs to be treated and he will run to the hills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right each case is different I hope this works out.


----------



## turnera

I get that you're not much for reading and writing, but will you please just stop just this once and tell us what you did, aside from going Tarzan on her lover?


----------



## tom67

turnera said:


> I get that you're not much for reading and writing, but will you please just stop just this once and tell us what you did, aside from going Tarzan on her lover?


Please when you have time thanks.


----------



## Tobyboy

I'm confuse. You've mention she's on drugs.... Do you mean literally?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I just write so fast I don't care about spell check and it's on a phone so you have that thing correct u all the time. I told her I would expose this guy at her work to his mommy and every body. She does not want that to happen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Emotional affair drug of a fantasy world
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

Don't believe anything she says. She will continue to pursue this guy until HE tells her to fvck off!!! You better put the heat on this guy and continue it. Oh, she'll beg you to stop, that it's over between them.....it's all a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I can tell by email and phone if they do he is in town a short time so I can do it any time he is here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Plus still have the going to happen to him on Friday. This is probably the hardest thing I've gone through.


Remember the first time you got so drunk that you thought you would die? Friday = that X 10.

It's going to be bad. Don't drink that night. Have a friend hangout with you if possible (or get on here and share the pain with us).

Whatever you do don't try to communicate with her that night, you'll just make yourself feel worse.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So you think it's going to happen. We'll so do I after I have been thinking about it. At this point I am so low in self pain. It can't hurt any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

It's just hope!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Look, you have to break this down to the most basic essence: You cannot live with a woman who will cheat on you or lie to you (I assume). Every incident, just look at it with those eyes. It will tell you how to respond.


----------



## the guy

Keep breaking her down.

At the end of the day this POS has to be gone....you and the ones that love her the most can help her with the withdrawals.

Get this phucker out of her life... Then you can work on affair proofing the marriage.
Use what you know and going back to old school is what has to happen...just make sure someone you trust has bail.

This is sh!tty advice but I dodnt know any other way.

Phuck this POS and show Your old lady you ain't going to be disrespect
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> So you think it's going to happen. We'll so do I after I have been thinking about it. At this point I am so low in self pain. It can't hurt any more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> It's just hope!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man, I don't know, when a spouse is in the fog there's no telling what they'll do, they are literally not in their right mind. All I know for sure is the stronger you present yourself to her, the higher your chances are of keeping her.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Thank you the guy. I just have to keep the pressure on him. I just don't know if I can believe her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

the guy said:


> Keep breaking her down.
> 
> At the end of the day this POS has to be gone....you and the ones that love her the most can help her with the withdrawals.
> 
> Get this phucker out of her life... Then you can work on affair proofing the marriage.
> Use what you know and going back to old school is what has to happen...just make sure someone you trust has bail.
> 
> This is sh!tty advice but I dodnt know any other way.
> 
> Phuck this POS and show Your old lady you ain't going to be disrespect
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:
Now please less emotion it will exude strength like you are about to dump her at any time.
She will respect this not acting like an @ss just little emotion and to the point.
Fake it till you make it.:lol:


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Tony are you saying the crazy thing would drop the OM just like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

3kidsforlife said:


> Thank you the guy. I just have to keep the pressure on him. I just don't know if I can believe her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Believing her is the last thing you should do.

Stay with the 180 with your old
Lady and work on others that care
And work
On the POS and show him he phucked with the wrong guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

This crap Is all about respect it's all business , protect your respect and make it ear that even a lazy @ss like your self diserve a respect.

Part of me wants to
Tell you to
Stay clean...the other part wants to tell you todo what you know ....hell I'm not built for
Prison and county taught me enough to
Stay clean but my point is scare them, fake it until you make it, hurt the phucker!!!!

The reality is maybe me and you are just to old todo any short time for smashing some POS.


At the end of the day..... It's not what knocks us down that matters, it's how we get back up that counts!!!!
T
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

I'm given some sh!tty advice... Haven been through this sh!t 4 yrs ago it pisses me off to see other guys go thru the same crap!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Tony are you saying the crazy thing would drop the OM just like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, if she's into this guy emotionally then she's not just going to just snap out of it. Even if she doesn't see him Friday, he's still in her head. It's a rock and a hard place for you. The quickest way to turn her around would be for her to get him out of her system, but for her to do that she'd have to be around him, and of course, that's the last thing you want. It's a real conundrum. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The only thing you can bet on right now is that this, regardless of how it turns out, is your new reality and life as you knew it is gone. And the only thing you have any real control over right now is how you handle this whole thing.

T


----------



## the guy

The OM will drop her as soon as he gets some.

If they cheat with you they will cheat on you.

Your old lady is in a lose lose situation ....she's just to naive to know it!

The script follows ...old lady screws around, gets dumbed, comes crawling back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PreRaphaelite

OP: It's not HIM it's HER. 

Listen up please:

1. You threatened HIM. You scared HIM off and she's doing what she is doing protect HIM. SHE's the one doing that.

2. SHE wants to be with him. SHE would run right into his arms if you hadn't threatened him.

3. She is NOT remorseful. She DOESN'T want to save this marriage. She's doing it to protect HIM.

Put two-and-two together. 

You are trying to force her back into the marriage. 

***** IT WON'T FRACKING WORK.*****

Stop this. Go back to the 180. Get the divorce papers, fill them out, present them to her and tell her: 

"I'm not going to force you to stay in this marriage. If you want to be with this POS, go, now. I'm letting you go. I want a wife who loves me, respects me, and is committed to being with me and our children. If you aren't that wife, then leave and don't come back. Be with whoever you want."


----------



## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife: I have been following this thread for a little while now and here are some comments that you may find useful:


Your wife is your main problem not the OM - he is a POS and you are dealing with him appropriately, but you need to deal with your wife too. She wants out and is not prepared to budge on this under normal circumstances. You need to really find out why and deal with it.
This is the real tough one for you: YOU NEED TO BE READY TO LEAVE HER IN ORDER TO WIN HER BACK - in short leaving her should be a real and viable option for you. It may come down to it. You need to have been working on your self (the 180, physical fitness, counselling, reading the right support material etc) and have separated finances and contacted an attorney particularly with regard to custody.
Exposure is key and this seems to have happened in a roundabout way although you should have just exposed all of this for what it was - her cheating on you - for all those that mattered to see clearly. This would help end the affair possibly but would help her come out of any fog by facing consequences of the exposure and also make it clear to anyone who might help you that they need to support you in this.
She needs to see an Alpha male: someone who is the best man he could possibly be (honesty, integrity, character etc) and also someone who, while willing to fight for her, will definitely not tolerate disrespect and bad behaviour. You have shown this partially by scaring the sh!t out of the OM (well done on that by the way but be careful what you say about it in case you get recorded). She also needs to see someone who means what he says when he issues ultimatums and does not back down (hence my saying you need to be able to walk away from this marriage and at the moment you are not emotionally fit to do this - hence the need to work on yourself).
You have already told her what you expect in clear terms (I hope) including the fact that should things go the wrong way on Friday, there will be consequences. At the moment, I am not entirely sure what those consequences are (might just be me) but you really needed to spell it out for her in no uncertain terms - she goes out, you blow up their worlds, you get a D, you fight for custody and it is really the end. She really needs to believe this and what would have been good is if you had taken some of the advice given and already started the D proceedings and gave her the document.
Do the 180, don't engage on anything that hasn't to do with the kids, don't be manipulated or forced into doing things, do not be whiny. Do be busy with getting yourself better, taking care of the kids and proceeding with the D. There is no point in MC while the POSOM is still in her head.

Go back and look at what you have done from this list and what needs to be done and get a move on. Best of luck to you.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I have a ton of questions for you people. Last night she came home and said she was done with him no matter if she still wanted to be with him or not he says no. She says she will stay at the house and not be happy at all. I am fine with that(got the OM out), she can hate me all she wants right now she is still in the fog. My question is she bought some bras and underwear and said it wasn't fancy stuff, but bag was there and yup thongs not her kind of every day stuff. Next she said he made her clean her phone of all his information do I ask to see it and call her out on the underwear. Next what kind of shrink should I see?


----------



## Chaparral

She lied, point it out to her. Keep anger in check. Your number one goal is to let her know you will be fine with or without her.


----------



## Tobyboy

Her words: Done with other man. 
Her actions: Buying sexy underwear. 

What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Underwear was before last night happened.


----------



## Tobyboy

So!! They were/are meant for the OM's pleasure not for you!!! He'll see your wife wearing them way before you will. Maybe not in person(for now) but I guarantee you she'll take pics of herself wearing them for him!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

This is far from over - see my previous post. There are a number of things you need to do. Of course she is lying to say that she will simply stay with you and be unhappy (the martyr). He may even be coaching her on what to say every step of the way - do not let your guard down.

The underwear is very much for him. You can tell her that you are not buying her bullish!t and that actions are going to have to speak louder than words. But also do not let her know how you find out things - this seems to have really got the POSOM spooked!


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> She lied, point it out to her. Keep anger in check. Your number one goal is to let her know you will be fine with or without her.


:iagree::iagree:
As is said get to 50,000 ft. where you don,t care one way or another.
This will make you look more attractive in her eyes.
It projects strength.


----------



## brokeneric

I know many would diasagree but go after the OM hard. Make him forget god and fear you.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

brokeneric said:


> I know many would diasagree but go after the OM hard. Make him forget god and fear you.


 I can remove a hundred batteries from my car, if I don't discover where the power drain is coming from it is a wasted effort.

He can keep hounding the other man, but if he doesn't find out what is wrong in his marriage, a new person will take this guy's place.

OM is supposedly gone, fix the problems in your marriage, worry about him later.

Also, I find it interesting that the OTHER MAN made her stop contact. She didn't do it on her own.


----------



## Tobyboy

brokeneric said:


> I know many would diasagree but go after the OM hard. Make him forget god and fear you.


Do it right and do it smart.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I would like to see a shrink but what kind? Now if this man is suppose to be gone. She may hate me right now or still be with him. Who knows I have to start fixing my self and i think first thing is to talk to some one but who and what kind.


----------



## turnera

Just type in 'psychologist' and your city and 'infidelity' and 'reviews' and pick one that has the best reviews.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

You BOTH need to see a marriage counselor. You fixing yourself, while she sits at home angry and resentful isn't going to work. You see a marriage counselor together for the marriage AND Individual counselors for yourselves. 

You may be at fault, but it may be an excuse to blame you for everything.


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> She may hate me right now or still be with him.


She's still with him. First, she says he,* "made her clean her phone"*, that's absurd, he can't *make* her do anything, she erased it so you wouldn't see the plan they formulated. Here's what she didn't tell you; they agreed to go completely dark with the emotional affair and arrange a new time and place to rendezvous.

He's playing her while she plays you.

T


----------



## Philat

Hold on folks... Now the underwear makes an appearance....


----------



## Cubby

The OM may very well have dropped 3kfl's wife. Some of us have pointed out manning up and doing things to take control of the situation and shatter their fantasy might make the OM decide the affair's not worth it and might drop his wife. But I certainly wouldn't assume it's true. It's clear that she's still in the fog and still really digs the OM, (the sexy underwear's for the OM) so 3kfl has to be on the alert for the affair moving underground.


----------



## the guy

I think it went underground also.

Time to step up the spying and confirm what your old lady has told you.

Have you planted a VAR?
Look for a burner phone!
Will she be home when OM comes to town?

Man Im sure hope we are all wrong and this crap is over with OM but you have to confirm on your own....your old lady is not trust worthy enough to take her word on it.

BTW good luck on finding a good shrink and make sure you address the PTS this has caused you.

On a side note, I guess if your old lady comes home in a good mode....it would be a good indicater that she is full of crap about the break up.

I'm curious....did your old lady mention why they broke up?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Because of my crazyeness he is to scared of what I could do. I called the crisis line today because this is to hard and have an appointment tomarrow with a shrink. To hard to not think about it 24-7
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Why don't you answer the questions people ask you?


----------



## Remains

3k, I think you have been put under an enormous amount of pressure. Not only in your private life, but here too. You have been expected to do so much in such a short space of time. And with so many people chiming in, it is diffcult to know which way to turn and which road to follow. I feel some of these posts have been very harsh, and unnecessarily so. Unreasonable in fact.

I feel some have been pretty harsh in their attitude, and lacking of a reaffirming of your advised direction, of which you are actively seeking! Sad to see. 

I think you have done very well under the circumstances. And maybe the harsh words have come from the fact she has her date set for the weekend. Hence, time is the essence.

Sounds to me like he has ditched her under the pressure. NOT her choice. 

You need to think alpha male and make this very difficult for her. She doesn't get to come back and say 'oh he won't see me anymore and its all your fault' and that be ok.....surely!!!?? 

She needs to feel pain when she thinks of this time also. just as you do. This situation cannot repeat if you decide to R. And the only way to make that happen is for her to connect this time with painful memories also.

I would suggest kicking her out to him, or anyone, and saying to go and not come back. She clearly cares nothing for you and your feelings right now. She may as well be in his bed! She needs pain, and she needs it now.


----------



## Thound

turnera said:


> Why don't you answer the questions people ask you?


I have an idea why.


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Because of my crazyeness he is to scared of what I could do. I called the crisis line today because this is to hard and have an appointment tomarrow with a shrink. To hard to not think about it 24-7


You wouldn't be normal if you weren't thinking about it 24-7.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So she came home last night after school. Found out she told her brother. That one kind of hurt me because he is one of my good friends. She just said he doesn't agree with my craziness. I had to tell her about the shrink because I have to have my mom pick up the kids from her. She was not happy about that and said don't I think she is hurting to. Also didn't want insurance to pay for it wanted me to pay for it out of pocket. What ever! She told me I won the game with the OM but didn't win her! I didn't even bring it up! Told her this is for me. If it has gone underground its going to happen wheather I want it to or not. I have done what I can with OM with out hurting my future with my kids. The part that hurts is not being close to her family does that come back or will I never be friends with those people again. I think she may have came out of the fog a little but not yet. She is starting to know that she will have to split the kids 50/50 of the time. Had to take the oldest out for his favorite birthday dinner and she text me from school "what did he decide", so I sent her a picture of him being so happy and his brothers and sister happy at the dinner place. No I am not trying to use the kids against her. It was the oldest idea to send the picture. She will have to meet my mom today witch will kill her because my mom is honestly the most caring loving women you have ever meet. What do you think?


----------



## turnera

I think you screwed up and did not listen to us. Now SHE told her brother and got to spin HER version (lie), which is that YOU are messed up and forced her to talk to OM cos of your craziness. 

Are you going to follow the advice, or not?

I hope you at LEAST had the cajones to call the brother up afterward and tell him the truth?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Her family is very close so he will find out the truth! I don't worry about that. Her mom and sister know the whole truth.


----------



## turnera

Ah, so you WERE afraid to tell her brother and father.

Why IS that?

And why the HELL are you not calling this brother RIGHT NOW to tell him the truth?

What are you afraid of?

If you don't call him, you solidify your position as DOORMAT and she is going full steam ahead looking for 'real' men.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

i cant control her, i think i should voice that. if she wants some ones else just let it happen. i think im the one getting more hurt my all this she is just going to hate me more and will be tougher on the kids!


----------



## turnera

And...maybe I'll just repeating myself until you actually reply to someone? WHY can you not call your BIL right now and tell him the truth?


----------



## Nucking Futs

turnera said:


> I think you screwed up and did not listen to us. Now SHE told her brother and got to spin HER version (lie), which is that YOU are messed up and forced her to talk to OM cos of your craziness.
> 
> Are you going to follow the advice, or not?
> 
> I hope you at LEAST had the cajones to call the brother up afterward and tell him the truth?


3kidsforlife, you don't follow advice and on the rare occasion when you acknowledge a question your answer is non-responsive. You are rapidly approaching the point where no one will be willing to waste their time reading your posts and giving advice they know you will ignore. Just like you'll ignore this post.


----------



## doubletrouble

3kidsforlife said:


> What do you think?


We've been telling you for page after page what we think. 
We answer your questions, or ask questions to give better answers, and it's a one-sided conversation.


----------



## Tony55

I'm imagining 3kidsforlife is trying to juggle a job, 3 kids, a wayward wife (which is/was scheduled to kick it up a notch tonight), counseling, and us. It's hard.

T


----------



## Nucking Futs

Tony55 said:


> I'm imagining 3kidsforlife is trying to juggle a job, 3 kids, a wayward wife (which is/was scheduled to kick it up a notch tonight), counseling, and us. It's hard.
> 
> T


No harder than most CWI posters have it.


----------



## Philat

doubletrouble said:


> We've been telling you for page after page what we think.
> We answer your questions, or ask questions to give better answers, and it's a one-sided conversation.


See Thound's thought:



Thound said:


> I have an idea why.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Ok, well I have had no contact with her since Sunday not even for the kids. 180 plan! Just to tell me she is staying at her moms. I seen her yesterday morning and she looks sick! She looks like she lost 20 pounds and no sleep! I am worried about her health! She would not answer a text about carpool for the kids this weekend. So I had to ask her mom for help since she is close to us. She dropped of my young one at my moms all day yesterday, when she did not have to work until night time. I know the other guy is not in town anymore. She sent me a text message last night saying she was coming home because she needed to be there for her and the kids. Her mom said she is just not talking to her family, they are all worried about her. Is this normal for people in this case? Im just trying to understand what she is going through. My kids don't need there mom in the hospital!!!!!!


----------



## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> Ok, well I have had no contact with her since Sunday not even for the kids. 180 plan! Just to tell me she is staying at her moms. I seen her yesterday morning and she looks sick! She looks like she lost 20 pounds and no sleep! I am worried about her health! She would not answer a text about carpool for the kids this weekend. So I had to ask her mom for help since she is close to us. She dropped of my young one at my moms all day yesterday, when she did not have to work until night time. I know the other guy is not in town anymore. She sent me a text message last night saying she was coming home because she needed to be there for her and the kids. Her mom said she is just not talking to her family, they are all worried about her. Is this normal for people in this case? Im just trying to understand what she is going through. My kids don't need there mom in the hospital!!!!!!


You need to drop all this from your thought process. If she has to go to the hospital, there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Let go. Don't answer her text. Change the locks.


----------



## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> I would like to see a shrink but what kind? Now if this man is suppose to be gone. She may hate me right now or still be with him. Who knows I have to start fixing my self and i think first thing is to talk to some one but who and what kind.


This was originally posted be russel28

*--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I found this comment on the www and thought it was pretty well written, and worth sharing.. as painful as it is to read.

https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/...-affair.15212/


Quote:
As someone who was diagnosed with PTSD 3 months before finding out about my spouses affair I am appalled that anyone who has not been the victim of an extramarital affair would say it does not meet the criteria for developing PTSD. I can tell you a spouses affair is the most painful thing I have ever been through. It is worse than the childhood abuse, worse than being taken away from your parents, worse than having someone threaten your life if you tell about a crime. Please let me validate that yes, an spouses affair can most certainly cause PTSD. What does an extramarital affair do to a betrayed spouse?

It shatters our assumptions about our safety in the world. It reminds us that we have no control over what happens to us. Our emotional well being is a lie we told ourselves to make us feel safe. It teaches you that no matter how much you wish you could rely on other people, this just is not true in life. It teaches us that the security we once believe we had can be stolen from you in an instant and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

It is horrifying to know that the person you chose to share your life with, someone who promised to protect you and love you is just an abusive, selfish liar. It is horrifying and humiliating to wait to find out if you have some in curable disease such as AIDS or other STD. It is painful to know that someone you shared your life with would knowingly and intentionally put your life at risk, but not blatantly, they did it covertly with a smile on their face. When the horror of it all comes out, they blame you for their decision to put your life on the line.

To know that someone else would willing play with your life for their own selfish gain is nothing less than horrifying and debilitating. It takes away your belief that the world is a just and fair place. You realize that it doesn't matter how hard you've tried to do good things in your life, the world is cruel and you are not rewarded for trying to be a good person. If you had faith in God you soon come to realize God is a creation of man, because the human mind just can not fathom how people can get away with such horrid acts and that the victim may never receive justice. Man can't accept that we do live in an unjust world and that it is every man for himself. It steals something from your soul that can never again be replaced - it steals whatever amount of innocence you have left in your soul that told you the world had good, kind and loving people in it. You soon realize that your perception of having control over the path of your life is all an illusion. You don't have any control over anything.

The only way to protect yourself from this harsh world is to harden your heart, rely on only yourself and look out for number one. Caring about other people does not stop them from hurting you, so why bother. You soon realize life is just an illusion of control - the illusion is that we have any ounce of control over what happens to us. So you sit on guard waiting for the next blow, hoping that if you can anticipate the next event it won't be as painful. You wonder what you could have done differently to have prevented this. You play it over and over again in your mind. As you go about "trying" to live life you become enraged when you hear a song on the radio, see a person, hear a word, anything can trigger the rage as if you were reliving that day all over again. relive a calendar date as it approaches years later, going over what you thought was happening at that particular time, but now knowing what was really happening behind the scenes.

Piecing the puzzle together days, months and years later. Just when you thought you had a handle on how the puzzle was put together, you begin to re-evaluate if those pieces really fit where you thought they did, never knowing if you'll complete the puzzle correctly and knowing that the only person who can help you do that is a complete liar.

Affairs steal our dreams of the future, make us doubt our pasts, shatter our assumptions of a fair world. They kill god, goodness and hope. They steal control, values, trust in humanity and a piece of your soul. Yes, affairs are traumatic! So please unless you've walked a mile in the shoes of a betrayed spouse, don't ever assume you know the depth of the trauma it creates! Infidelity is abuse, it is trauma and it is life altering!

Let me leave you with quote from a war veteran that posts on an infidelity forum.
I can honestly say this to whomever takes the time to read this post and this I swear; I am a 6 time Veteran of multiple wars and I have seen the face of death far to many times to count, my days and nights have been filled with the memories of lost friends and the tragedy that brought it. The only thing humanly possible to erase my pain was the Affair that my wife had. She saved me from my nightmares of war but burdened me with a pain that all of my worst days in combat all rolled up into a sigle moment couldn't compete with. I have never known such a pain, never in a million lifetimes should another person be subjected to this. *


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I would love to change the locks but her name is on the house. I do not care about the pain she is going through it serves her right! What I do care about is the pain she is causing on my children. I am also just trying to understand what she is going through. Since she is not talking to anyone(old friends or family). I do believe I will move on after this. I think I have that in my head now. But she scares me!


----------



## Tobyboy

Sounds like your WW got some legal advise. That's why she moving back in. Not for the children or for the marriage.....just for her own selfish desires. Just watch how disengaged she is with her family and children. A sure sign that the affair continues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GutPunch

Your desire to hang on to this sham of a marriage is going to destroy it. 

Change the locks before she gets home. 

This thread is a trainwreck. Why didn't you listen to 3putt?

His advice was good.


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> I am also just trying to understand what she is going through. Since she is not talking to anyone(old friends or family).


Here's what she's going through:

She was on what she thought was the love adventure of a lifetime. She was heading there full force.
She thought she was going to get to experience it in all its glory while unperturbed by her real life.
She was prepared to take the ride and worry about the ramifications later, but not before or during this great adventure. (She even bought body decorations for the event [lingerie]).

You derailed this adventure, you've robbed her of the emotional ecstasy, you're the bad guy, she probably secretly hates you right now. The kids are probably a distant memory, an aggravation to her plans also. She's insane right now. Stay away from her, you can't change this, but you can make it worse.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I know they continue to talk. I was just wondering how much pain are my kids going to go through and for how long. They say they are worried about there mom. Thanks Tony that is kind of what I was looking for. What do you mean stay away I can make it worse?


----------



## GutPunch

3kfl

I am not trying to get you divorced and neither is 3putt. I for one have been in your very shoes and got coached up by TAM. I know the information is counterintuitive but it works. 

I was cheated on and left to tend to a 3 and 6 year old. It hurts. You need to let your wife feel consequences. She needs to know you don't need her and will not tolerate her behavior. Where is your self esteem? 

I reconciled with my wife. She is a completely different person now. I think part of the reason was the fact that I let her go and started the divorce process. She got her own apartment, new AP, split time with the kids. She got to see that maybe I was not the source of her unhappiness and problems. My wife then began to look inward and got the help she needed. I now got a much better wife now than I had before but only because she did the work. I was just the enemy, then not such a bad guy, to maybe I still love him, to maybe I should try to work it out, to please give me another chance. 

You can't win your wife back. You have to let go and focus on yourself and your kids. You can't shield the kids from pain either. Comfort them as best you can.

3KFL she may or may not come around. Accept that you have no control. Hard 180. No relationship discussions. I would muster up the money and file for divorce. I would not let her in the house until a judge makes me do it. File for temp emergency custody of the children while you have them. Do more talk less.

All the Best
GP


----------



## Lostinthought61

i think that is absolutely correct....i suspect that she is a bundle of emotions and you (correctly so) have a lot of anger...i don't think you should be both under the same roof....you should tell her in a nice way that she should stay at her mom's house unless you have a place to go....be she needs first to connect with the kids.....also you seriously need to implement divorce procedures in order to protect yourself and the kids. it may also help her get out of her fog.


----------



## BjornFree

3kidsforlife said:


> I would love to change the locks but her name is on the house. I do not care about the pain she is going through it serves her right! What I do care about is the pain she is causing on my children. I am also just trying to understand what she is going through. Since she is not talking to anyone(old friends or family). I do believe I will move on after this. I think I have that in my head now. But she scares me!


You need to read Carlton's thread in the private section. It took a long time for him to come out of denial.

Rule number one is to stop trying to figure her out. She's not worth it, not at the moment at least.

Rule number two - why don't you think about what you and your kids are going through because of her and put a stop to it by stepping up and taking charge of the situation. You want her to run roughshod over you? You stay the course you're currently on and pretty soon you'll be taking it up the hiney and guess who'll be on the other end- that's right, your wife or worse the OM.

The advice you're getting is the sum total of the experience of those who have been in your shoes.


----------



## turnera

Did you tell your BIL the truth yet?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Yes I did talk to BIL. He loves me and will never stop and does not know what happen to his sister or who she is now. I have to figure out money to get stuff working on my side. Should I file for bankruptcy now or later I need money(credit card). I think if I got those taken care of I could afford the house.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Filing for divorce is that not what she wants. Is that not giving into her.


----------



## turnera

Who cares what she wants?

Your concern is protecting yourself.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I need to talk to a lawyer do I go local or not?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> I need to talk to a lawyer do I go local or not?


Tell your WS that you ARE filing for D. There's no stopping that. Tell her that once apart, you both will have to work on yourselves and get better. You then can try to begin a new relationship. Dangle a carrot.

Then suggest that you split you assets/bills yourselves, so you're not paying a lawyer thousands to do it.

Once your divorced you won't have to give her another chance, but who knows...

I know your WS is not in a good frame of mind right now, but it may be worth a try.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

should i block his phone number on her cell phone?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She just called me again and wants to take her phone and her moms phone off my plan. Great, that way I stop looking at her phone records to see contact with other guy. Even though they have not talked much lately from what i can tell. Should I block his number on my plan so she has to get a different plan.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Wow just talked to a bank lawyer and found out its going to be OK. If I file I can afford to live in my house and support my kids. I dont need her for money to live, WOW. That is a load off my mind. I can do this!


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> She just called me again and wants to take her phone and her moms phone off my plan. Great, that way I stop looking at her phone records to see contact with other guy. Even though they have not talked much lately from what i can tell. Should I block his number on my plan so she has to get a different plan.


I'd let her go as long as there's not early termination fee. You don't need to monitor any more, you know she's not a keeper.


----------



## doubletrouble

If you file bankruptcy while you're still married it will also follow her credit. Shouldn't bother you a bit. She bankrupted your heart.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I cant tell you what a burden money was on my mind! The kids future and every thing. My sister is looking for a good lawyer right now for me her side of the family has been through a ton of divorces. I can go to sleep knowing that I can fully take care of my kids with out her. She can go away now! Will she come to her senses, who knows. But my life has to continue! It is a great day to come to this conclusion!


----------



## cool12

how relieved you must feel. it sucks that on top of your wife hurting you so much that you've also had to worry about finances.

i think her wanting to be off your cell plan all of the sudden is indeed a red flag but also one less bill you have to play. silver lining and all that.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She wants to be off the plan so I cant spy on her witch is fine then i dont get hurt every time i look. 180 plan here i come full bore!


----------



## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> . 180 plan here i come full bore!


People have been telling you this since the beginning. :slap:


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Do I let her know im going to talk with a lawyer or not? Kind of like poker do I show my hand. The good thing is I think she is so deep in the fog she doesn't know.


----------



## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> Do I let her know im going to talk with a lawyer or not? Kind of like poker do I show my hand. The good thing is I think she is so deep in the fog she doesn't know.


It might be a bigger jolt if you told her family and let them break the news. Just don't tell them you haven't told her.


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Do I let her know im going to talk with a lawyer or not? Kind of like poker do I show my hand. The good thing is I think she is so deep in the fog she doesn't know.


No, she'll figure it out when she gets served. Go dark.


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> Do I let her know im going to talk with a lawyer or not? Kind of like poker do I show my hand. The good thing is I think she is so deep in the fog she doesn't know.


Don't tell her just have her served then the ball is in her court.
I wouldn't give her time to scheme something up.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She does think this is a game! Had to ask her mom to come early for car pooling and she said she was watching the kids right now so the wife could run and do a few things. Her mom asked me if she could still stay on my plan. So WW is going to get a burner phone. She is so deep in the fog. WOW!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Nope she took the phone on her own plan Verizon just called me! 50bucks in my pocket! Awesome!


----------



## Chaparral

You bought her a new phone? You haven't separated finances?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Chaparral said:


> You bought her a new phone? You haven't separated finances?


I think he means she is on her own plan now and that knocks 50 off his bill.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Yes, she dropped off my plan she is about to exceed her text and data so cool with me. Dad divorce lawyers in Minnesota any suggestions?


----------



## Tobyboy

Perfect time to put the POSOM on Cheaterville.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Try googleing dads divorce lawyers. There are lawyers in some areas that specialize in protecting fathers. Also, check out dadsdivorce.com

Good luck brother


----------



## Chaparral

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I think he means she is on her own plan now and that knocks 50 off his bill.


:rofl: I thought he meant she was into his pocket for fifty bucks.


----------



## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> Yes, she dropped off my plan she is about to exceed her text and data so cool with me. Dad divorce lawyers in Minnesota any suggestions?



You live in the cities I know a great one.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

wright county


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Talked to one lawyer today who said yes I can change the locks but in my state he has seen that go the wrong way when it is done to the mother.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So how do you go about saying anything(when you want to scream). When they ask if you were nice you would do this make this or do this?


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> So how do you go about saying anything(when you want to scream). When they ask if you were nice you would do this make this or do this?


Simple answer "I'm sorry you feel that way"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> Talked to one lawyer today who said yes I can change the locks but in my state he has seen that go the wrong way when it is done to the mother.


Just say a set of keys are missing and wife's AP threatened you.


----------



## Thorburn

3kidsforlife said:


> Talked to one lawyer today who said yes I can change the locks but in my state he has seen that go the wrong way when it is done to the mother.


Your state is similar to mine. I would say don't change the locks. Legally you can, heck you own the home, but legally she can too and when she comes knocking you will need to allow her in. It just another thing to make it messy and you don't need messy right now.

1. Do the 180.
2. Shut up. Stop talking to her family other then regarding the children.
3. Don't let her know your plans. Get help from attorneys and follow through with most of what they tell you.
4. Only discuss finances and children with your wife. Nothing about D.
5. Don't confront, don't beg, don't threaten, don't argue.
6. Minnisota is a one party state. It means you can carry a VAR on you and record conversations legally without the other person's consent or knowledge. You must be present. Make sure you have a VAR on you and DON"T tell her or anyone else that you are recording your conversations.
7. File for D and mean it. I know your end game. It is not happening. File.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Thorburn, Thank you for the advise! What is my end game?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

On the good note she HAD to tell me last night that she was going to go over to her moms to clean out a room for her to stay. Then I can totally focus on me and my kids and not have to see her when I come home from work!


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Thorburn, Thank you for the advise! What is my end game?


Endgame: You get yourself so together that she becomes re-attracted to you and pursues you. Of course, if you have yourself that together, you most likely won't want her back.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Thanks Tony that's what I thought! Of course there is still apart of me that wants it to work out. But not with this women a women that would or could not hurt me like this. This is a battle every minute of every day! But I am getting to where I don't care. It just takes time!


----------



## turnera

You can always work it out later, from different homes. Once she has learned her lesson.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I did talk to a great lawyer that I would like to hire but she is $3000 retainer. She works with just dads. But have to save up money to do all of this. She knows the courts I live in pretty well and is from out of town. Turnera you are right but not right now! How do I bring up house bills and stuff like that? What is fare? If she is willing to talk about it.


----------



## Tobyboy

A little advise. Start a journal and document all the pertinent facts...e.i.(time spent with children, marital funds spent, etc.) be factual with time and dates. Do not let her get a hold of this journal!!! This is for you and your lawyer'a eyes only!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

Oh! If possible keep all communications through text or email. You want printed proof off all communications.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Family already told me to do that. Plus I know she knows that as well from the oldest kids sperm dad.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

What is the best way to get your confidence back? Went to a high school basketball game last night with kids and just felt odd to talk to people. I want that back!


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> What is the best way to get your confidence back? Went to a high school basketball game last night with kids and just felt odd to talk to people. I want that back!


Go to more places, talk to more people. The more you do it the easier it gets. Don't bother hitting on women, it's not necessary, just be sociable.


----------



## turnera

Volunteer.


----------



## cool12

turnera said:


> Volunteer.


oh yes, excellent idea!
you seem so much more together in your last couple of posts. i sense more calm and less panic and fear. you may slip into fear/panic mode occasionally, but it doesn't have to consume you.

keep busy, keep working on yourself and keep being a great dad to your kids.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

It is hard she brought me down yesterday! It just feels weird talking to other moms and dads last night. Hard to bring up stuff to talk about.


----------



## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> It is hard she brought me down yesterday! It just feels weird talking to other moms and dads last night. Hard to bring up stuff to talk about.


Hard to think of things or just hard to talk? 

If it's the former, well, expand your mind so you HAVE more to talk about. Start listening to NPR - they talk about hundreds of different subjects every day. Listen to talk radio. Read magazines. Watch PBS. There are trillions of things out there you could be talking about; you just have to be noticing them.


----------



## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> It is hard she brought me down yesterday! It just feels weird talking to other moms and dads last night. Hard to bring up stuff to talk about.


Your self confidence is low because of what you have been through. Hit the gym and build it back up. All of this will take time and hard work on your part to recover.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Hard to free your mind of the hurt in side of it. I have been working out at home almost every night. Its hard with the kids every night to do stuff they have a life also.


----------



## Lostinthought61

3kids...remember you are no good to your children if you are not good to yourself......what is it they say on planes...place the oxygen mask on yourself first then on your children.....and there is a reason for that...you need to refocus that anger, that hurt on bettering yourself and that in turn provides your children the confidence they will need to endure this emotional ordeal. you have it in you.


----------



## turnera

You have a 12 year old. Your youngest is 5. You can allow your 12 year old to watch your other kids for 30 minutes while you go for a walk or go roller blading around the street or something. The oldest can watch the kids in another room while you invite a guy friend over for a movie, once in a while. Let your kids see you taking care of your needs, too.


----------



## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> Nope she took the phone on her own plan Verizon just called me! 50bucks in my pocket! Awesome!


Is she authorized to make changes on your account? What about the contract early termination fee? You'll see that when you get the bill.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

No I took her off the bill and she kept her phone so no termination fee. Changed all the stuff so she cant do anything on the account! Been thinking about this though even though we have separate bank accounts we are from a small town should I go to the bank and make sure she cant touch my account.


----------



## Yankee99

3kidsforlife said:


> Just a little back story. My wife and I have together for 11 years and married 4 years. Have three great kids 5-9-12. Have had a good marriage on and off. Good for a couple years bad for a month and good again. About a year ago it was a huge one all the talk of divorce by both but decided to work it out. We went to therapy a about 6 years a ago. And was the best thing we ever did. Learned to talk to each other instead of screaming! About a week ago I noticed my wife changed a little. Came home a little later and kind of distant. So one night she fell asleep with the kids and I was going to put her phone on the charger for her. She had put a lock code on it. I knew what that meant so I woke her up and asked her nicely what was going on. She looked nerves and said I was going to waite till after the boys birthday but I want a divorce. I said is there someone else, she said yes but nothing physical. She made a connection with this guy that comes to her work(she does not work with him). I had already looked at the phone records. And he lives in a different state. She then proceeded to tell me I am not the man I once was I had got lazy. I asked if we or I could fix this and she says NO. I asked if she wanted to move out, she says yes and no. Because she has no were to go and the kids. I asked if we should tell the kids about the divorce and she said yes. But she keeps putting that OFF. Kids are not stupid. They will figure out and question why dad is sleeping on the couch. Phone records show she is texting and calling more and more every day to the other guy. Some of her family know because she told them. What should I expect to come and what future is there?
> 
> Yes I am working on finding the old me!


Just saw this post. Another iAffair. I hate those phones with a passion.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Need to vent! I was doing so good at the 180! She just called me and goated me into a conversation about our life and future! I was in such a good place! Then she said all these hurtful things! About us being roomates for the last twelve years and and fight over stuff on house. I stayed calm. But it hurt so much!!!!!!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Then she tried to call me back! Havent called her back yet!


----------



## turnera

You're an adult. You can control yourself. Ignore her.


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Need to vent! I was doing so good at the 180! She just called me and goated me into a conversation about our life and future! I was in such a good place! Then she said all these hurtful things! About us being roomates for the last twelve years and and fight over stuff on house. I stayed calm. But it hurt so much!!!!!!


When I was in Afghanistan I didn't communicate with or fraternize with the enemy, the enemy was the enemy, he was the enemy when I got there and the enemy when I left; that's how the game of war is played. Maybe in another life or different context he wouldn't be my enemy, but here and now, and when my life is at stake, he's the enemy.

So now tell me again about this phone call you took from the enemy, how did it go again? Your enemy goaded you into a conversation? Really? You mean like the enemy goads me into stepping out from behind the hesco? Just before he opens fire and inflicts "*hurtful things*" on me?

Talk with the enemy all you like, but beware the damage you inflict on your heart and soul.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Now that I have a second to think. It started out about a question about bills. Now I know she is not ready to talk about that. It starts and stops with the kids. That is it!!! Back to the strong 180 I was doing!!!!!!!!!


----------



## badmemory

Tony55 said:


> When I was in Afghanistan I didn't communicate with or fraternize with the enemy, the enemy was the enemy, he was the enemy when I got there and the enemy when I left; that's how the game of war is played. Maybe in another life or different context he wouldn't be my enemy, but here and now, and when my life is at stake, he's the enemy.
> 
> So now tell me again about this phone call you took from the enemy, how did it go again? Your enemy goaded you into a conversation? Really? You mean like the enemy goads me into stepping out from behind the hesco? Just before he opens fire and inflicts "*hurtful things*" on me?
> 
> Talk with the enemy all you like, but beware the damage you inflict on your heart and soul.
> 
> T


So I'm guessing Tony55, you don't believe in the Godfather mantra - "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer".

By the way, I agree with you


----------



## Perfectstorm

ICLH said:


> Do a reverse phone number search on the phone number on the bill. If it's a cell phone it may not come up but sometimes if you type the cell number in the search bar you can find out who it is if he has posted it online somewhere.


One thing that helped for free was to type the phone number into Facebook. A lot of people still put theyr'e contact info in. Also there are a couple sites like Intellus that are really good at that for a fee.

Hope this helps


----------



## vellocet

3kidsforlife said:


> Need to vent! I was doing so good at the 180! She just called me and goated me into a conversation about our life and future! I was in such a good place! Then she said all these hurtful things! About us being roomates for the last twelve years and and fight over stuff on house. I stayed calm. But it hurt so much!!!!!!


Ok, you now have to start getting angry. I know all about the pain this can cause, but you need to start seeing her for what she is and getting PISSED!! I don't think you know how good it will feel to tell her to F OFF! 

And she will also wonder where that is coming from and will give her cause for concern about her future. Show her she can't walk all over you. This is HER doing, not yours. Let her know you aren't going to take the blame for her being an unfaithful woman with no class.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

What to do? Her family just called me and wants to know what to do with her? They don't understand her thinking!! I told them I don't know and I have to focus on me and the kids! Wow! I told them if she gets any crazier that she should leave my house! They said they want to trap her in a insane home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> What to do? Her family just called me and wants to know what to do with her? They don't understand her thinking!! I told them I don't know and I have to focus on me and the kids! Wow! I told them if she gets any crazier that she should leave my house! They said they want to trap her in a insane home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What exactly is she doing? Are the kids safe when with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Don't know I was told she was going to let the oldest sperm dad see him for breakfast behind my back! Trust me huge piece of crap!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Actually, the 180 doesn't say you can't talk about the relationship if she brings it up. Maybe she wanted you to tell her that's not what you think it was. Ask her if she just wanted to hurt you, not to bother calling. Tell her what you had was the love of grown married people, not the puppy love of people just getting to know each other and in lust.

But always remain calm, secure, strong and unwilling to get into arguements. Just stop her and say, " I'm not ok with where this is going," and politely end the conversation.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Right now I just don't want to talk to her! This makes me so mad. Chaparral great thoughts!


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Right now I just don't want to talk to her! This makes me so mad. Chaparral great thoughts!


This is what the 180 is for, to get past this stage. If you stick with it you'll end up at the point where it just doesn't matter what she says any more. As long as you care, she can hurt you.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Stupid question, does it make it any less painful to do the 180 without your ring on?


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Stupid question, does it make it any less painful to do the 180 without your ring on?


A ring for what?

T


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Stupid question, does it make it any less painful to do the 180 without your ring on?


It depends on how you feel about it. If you can at all stand it take it off. If you take it off and end up in the fetal position crying put it back on. Sometimes the BS taking off the wedding ring is a smack in the face to the WS, one that helps bring home what they're losing, and sometimes it's meaningless.


----------



## harrybrown

If it helps you, take it off.

The 180 is to help you. 

Try it for some time.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I tried it at the beginning and it felt like i was the one giving up on the marriage! She did notice when I did it and put it back on. She asked why i put it back on and I stated that her choices were the ones that made me take it off not my own. So I put it back on!


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> I tried it at the beginning and it felt like i was the one giving up on the marriage! She did notice when I did it and put it back on. She asked why i put it back on and I stated that her choices were the ones that made me take it off not my own. So I put it back on!


That changes things a little bit. Now if you take it off it's a definitive statement that you have chosen to end this, it's not a reaction to her any more.

Take it off. Deliver that message.


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> I tried it at the beginning and it felt like i was the one giving up on the marriage! She did notice when I did it and put it back on. She asked why i put it back on and I stated that her choices were the ones that made me take it off not my own. So I put it back on!


I wouldn't have said that, that means she still holds sway over what you do (which means you don't understand the spirit of 180), I would have said the ring represents something that no longer exists.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I make plans for my self tonight know she has off work. Forcing her to spend time with the kids. Backfires alittle she had plans to take the two oldest one shopping since the little one didn't want to go. And expected me to watch him. I said we should have communicated better. And the two oldest are mad at me! Why do I feel like a big jerk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Because you let them run you instead of being the leader of the family. She didn't tell you her plans and you didn't tell her yours. People really do not read each others minds.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

That's what I thought! After thinking about it! They are not use to dad having a life! This whole thing is messed up. I came home to go for a run and she was talking to my mom about health care. Telling her that we'll save so much money as family by going this way and stuff. That's when it hit me this women really thinks she can be at my house and with us and live two lives. I asked what her plan was and she said she would live at her moms and come here and watch the kids. I said heck no. You are not welcome at my house and you will take the kids to what ever place you live. I said you created this mess now you figure out your half. I have my half figured out. She said you can't live here without me and pay child support. I said hunny my lawyer says I don't have to pay child support until the court makes me! Came back from my run and tells me he is just a friend. I didn't even ask! Then tells me that she still cares about me and is not happy about our marriage. I told her that there was better ways of going about it then that. This women is crazy! How does a guy stay keep sane! I just can't talk to her any more! Nothing we will have to talk through text message. Wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

3kidsforlife said:


> That's what I thought! After thinking about it! They are not use to dad having a life! This whole thing is messed up. I came home to go for a run and she was talking to my mom about health care. Telling her that we'll save so much money as family by going this way and stuff. That's when it hit me this women really thinks she can be at my house and with us and live two lives. I asked what her plan was and she said she would live at her moms and come here and watch the kids. I said heck no. You are not welcome at my house and you will take the kids to what ever place you live. I said you created this mess now you figure out your half. I have my half figured out. She said you can't live here without me and pay child support. I said hunny my lawyer says I don't have to pay child support until the court makes me! Came back from my run and tells me he is just a friend. I didn't even ask! Then tells me that she still cares about me and is not happy about our marriage. I told her that there was better ways of going about it then that. This women is crazy! How does a guy stay keep sane! I just can't talk to her any more! Nothing we will have to talk through text message. Wow!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now you are talking. She wanted to be free and easy. Have her affair and if and only if the affair does not work, she would come back to you.

Do not let her have the single life full time. I see so many BH's allow this. You need to get your life together too.

You can get your life together then have you kids when they are teens since you will have the better home. At a certain age, the court let's then choose.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I know my kids they will want to spend more time with dad! Plus she doesn't have a plan. Go live with her mom in a two bedroom apt. Wow what a fun life that would be!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> So I make plans for my self tonight know she has off work. Forcing her to spend time with the kids. Backfires alittle she had plans to take the two oldest one shopping since the little one didn't want to go. And expected me to watch him. I said we should have communicated better. And the two oldest are mad at me! Why do I feel like a big jerk?
> ]


Because you're not alpha enough to tell her 'tough, I have plans, figure it out on your own.' And then leave.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Turnera I went and did my stuff she sat home with the kids. I was not backing down! She is a cake eater. She now knows that i am not going to sit back and let her live this life and that other one also. She thought she could cut back her hours at work and still be able to live on her own with the kids. This women need a hard crash in life because thats not how a divorce works!


----------



## turnera

Excellent! And I loved how you told her what your lawyer told you.

Expect her to ramp up the sex and/or sexy clothes soon.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Why would she do that? The other guy doesn't live here. I am sure she is looking for a apartment right now. I hope! Out of sight out of mind!


----------



## turnera

Why? To control you and keep you from leaving her.

The sex and the clothes and the perfume and the leaning over so you can see her cleavage and brushing against you so you get the primal urge to have sex with her are for YOU, not OM...all the same things women do when you're dating to 'mark your territory.' As she figures out you really ARE moving on, she will ramp it up to enthrall you and get you thinking you can't live without her.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Wow, that is unthinkable. They are really crazy! I don't think she would do that. I cant believe women do that. What is the best answer if she does do that?


----------



## turnera

Laugh at her, take her hands off of you gently, and walk away.


----------



## jack.c

make yourself good looking and go out, leaving her alone all horny alone at home.....


----------



## doubletrouble

3kids, believe it -- women do a lot of things. The world of women is half secret from men. The rest, we don't understand.


----------



## Acabado

3kidsforlife said:


> Turnera I went and did my stuff she sat home with the kids. I was not backing down! She is a cake eater. She now knows that i am not going to sit back and let her live this life and that other one also. She thought she could cut back her hours at work and still be able to live on her own with the kids. This women need a hard crash in life because thats not how a divorce works!


How?
Because you tell her so? She had no real consequences, actually she got exactly waht she wanted.
What practical steps have you taken to make her feel reality?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I can not afford the lawyer yet. So I guess none. Except letting her know she is not welcome at my house and letting her know I have talked to my lawyer. When you are poor those things suck to try to find money for. I did tell her family about the affair!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

We'll I must have done something right she was very pissed off when she left the kids with me! Any good books on how to be a better dad during this time for the kids. It seems she is taking some of her anger out on the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

There are different resources at dadsdivorce.com you may want to check out.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Does the WS sometimes get really pissed off when they see that you don't need them anymore. Because that's what I felt from her tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jim123

3kidsforlife said:


> Does the WS sometimes get really pissed off when they see that you don't need them anymore. Because that's what I felt from her tonight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She had two men and now none. Yes she is mad.


----------



## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> We'll I must have done something right she was very pissed off when she left the kids with me! Any good books on how to be a better dad during this time for the kids. It seems she is taking some of her anger out on the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No book, just common sense: spend every spare minute you have in face to face time with them, getting down on the floor with them, playing games, laughing, tumbling, tickling, hugging, and talking talking talking. Be the safe one for them, to tell you anything.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I have been doing all those things, except laughing. It is hard to laugh even at anything in life. Just thought if I read something it could help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

You're wife's chewing them out, you're walking around unable to laugh...dude, man up! Be what your kids need, even if you don't feel like it.


----------



## illwill

3kidsforlife said:


> I can not afford the lawyer yet. So I guess none. Except letting her know she is not welcome at my house and letting her know I have talked to my lawyer. When you are poor those things suck to try to find money for. I did tell her family about the affair!


Go to dadsdivorce.


----------



## Chaparral

Youdont need a lawyer to get a divorce. Google divorce in your state, there should be info on how to do it.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I started to read No More Mr. Nice guy. And wow does it describe me to T. Right now I have a desire to tell my wife that I understand for years that I just didn't listen to her or do anything to make life better for our family. Only try to hide our problems. From the world. Do I act on this or not?


----------



## turnera

Uh...the whole premise of NMMNG is NOT telling your wife how messed up you've been, but rather silently changing yourself into a strong man and letting her notice.

There is time for talk later, after you have her crawling back.

For now, at least until you read the book, STOP TALKING!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Turnera thank you! Just understanding what type of person I was is weird. That wont be hard she is now not talking to me at all so pretty easy.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Never mind she just called me to tell me the oldest boy has strep. And they will be leaving in the morning for her fathers fishing trip not tonight.


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Never mind she just called me to tell me the oldest boy has strep. And they will be leaving in the morning for her fathers fishing trip not tonight.


Tell her to text you next time, if it's important enough *you'll call her* for more info. No more calls to you.

T


----------



## turnera

Yes, ask her to have texts sent instead of calling. Say it's so you can refer back in case you need details.


----------



## U.E. McGill

I recommend doing the BFE's in NMMNG. PM me if you need help or have questions. 

Part of getting away from being a nice guy is understanding yourself. The BFE's are your questions to help with that.


----------



## U.E. McGill

Being a nice guy is only 50% of the problem. See the thing is, as nice guys we tend to find and marry other damaged people. 

You can only fix yourself. That's why a lot of nice guys go through change without telling their spouse. You may find out once your integrated, she's not a woman you would tolerate.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

We'll it has started. I just got served the papers. I guess I'll have to get the money from family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So how does it all work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Not going to lie hurts a little but not as bad as I thought it would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

And she got me a box of candy! For Valentines day. That's messed up! I will see her tomorrow and just say really on Valentines Day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> And she got me a box of candy! For Valentines day. That's messed up! I will see her tomorrow and just say really on Valentines Day!


So you still acknowledge her in your presence?

It's over man, save yourself from yourself. How you behave now is how you will see yourself down the road. Present yourself as above this silliness, the rock, indifferent to her, she's irrelevant, and you'll smile later and be proud of yourself.

T


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Tony I know it's over. I just can't believe some one is that messed up to buy candy for Valentines day. That they sent a divorce notice to. It really doesn't hurt that bad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Tony I know it's over. I just can't believe some one is that messed up to buy candy for Valentines day. That they sent a divorce notice to. It really doesn't hurt that bad!


It shows you how disconnected she is. The candy was the charitable thing to do in her mind (which shows you how little you mean to her right now). The divorce papers... that was a present she gave herself for Valentines Day.

T


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> And she got me a box of candy! For Valentines day. That's messed up! I will see her tomorrow and just say really on Valentines Day!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DO NOT EAT THE CANDY!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Her mom just called me to tell me that the oldest bio dad meeting is not going to happen. She new nothing of the papers. I told her not to say anything, because then she would know she talked to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Plus the kids told me that mom said she loves me and that's why she gave me the candy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Do I just say my lawyer will talk to your lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Never mind the candy my kids made that up. I think I am going crazy with all everybody is telling me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Never mind the candy my kids made that up. I think I am going crazy with all everybody is telling me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So she didn't give you candy then?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I don't know yet it's in a bag on the counter. What do I say? My lawyer will talk to your lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> I don't know yet it's in a bag on the counter. What do I say? My lawyer will talk to your lawyer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm apparently having trouble following things tonight. This is the second thread that I'm responding to that is just confusing me. Please do me a favor and explain as if to a mentally challenged child what the hell is going on with the candy. Did your wife give you a gift for valentines day? Besides the service.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I don't know the kids said that. It is just sitting on the counter I don't know if it's for me. My question is what do I say when she picks up the kids tomorrow a.m.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cubby

The candy's probably for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

No the kids got there candy already. What is so big about the candy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> No the kids got there candy already. What is so big about the candy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's so big about the candy is if she did buy you valentines candy and have you served with divorce papers on the same day it's an attempt at mind-****ing you. It would take an exceptionally cruel ws to do that.


----------



## turnera

What you do now is pretend she is the mailman. She gets no more attention from you than the mailman. Welcome the papers. If you have to say anything, I'd say "Hey, I got the papers yesterday. Thanks for getting the ball rolling" and move on out of the room (don't give her an opportunity to discuss it).


----------



## Chaparral

Going dark on her means not speaking t her or acknowledging her existence. When she is around pretend you do not see her.

Send her a text. * "I got the divorce papers on Valentines day. I will always remember you for that. Unless its a 911 emergency, do not call me again, communicate with me by text only and only about the kids." *

Your wife is heartless, you never knew the real her but she is showing you who she is now.


----------



## Chaparral

Btw, do not touch the candy, if she asks tell her you assume its poisoned.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I did that! I only asked where she is going to live so I know where my kids are going to be staying. She still does not have a plan except stay at her moms and my place because her lawyer said she doesn't have to leave until it's final.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I act happy and don't do anything for her. She asked me to do the laundry and I said I will do me and the kids not yours. She got very upset and said I am not being fair. My return comment was sorry you feel that way but this is how it's going to be!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> I act happy and don't do anything for her. She asked me to do the laundry and I said I will do me and the kids not yours. She got very upset and said I am not being fair. My return comment was sorry you feel that way but this is how it's going to be!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Awesome. Be calm, and neutral. Keep telling yourself "she gets no privileges of marriage."

Chaparral told you to send a text on the candy. I disagree. I think it's better to not even acknowledge them. Remember the opposite of love is indifference. If she gets a rise out of you that's almost as good as getting you to beg for her back. 

Finally, yes. All communication about marriage dissolution go thru the lawyer. Kids needs can be over the phone. Get a VAR. Protect yourself. 

Expect the magic ***** to be pulled out again. If it were me, I'd **** her and act like I did her a favor. Get up and leave like I had somewhere to be. That will deliver a message to her about the value of it.


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## 3kidsforlife

She also got mad because she told me to help get the kids ready for her and I said no I think you can! She has another thing coming if she thinks I'm going to just roll over and die! Not how I see my self right now. Have a poker party tonight with a bunch of friends so that will be fun and tomorrow I'm going to burn the big brush pile on my property. Then me and the kids are doing something. This part about not having kids is new to me, kind of weird!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> She also got mad because she told me to help get the kids ready for her and I said no I think you can! She has another thing coming if she thinks I'm going to just roll over and die! Not how I see my self right now. Have a poker party tonight with a bunch of friends so that will be fun and tomorrow I'm going to burn the big brush pile on my property. Then me and the kids are doing something. This part about not having kids is new to me, kind of weird!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your gonna burn it in the snow, we got two feet on the ground.


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## 3kidsforlife

Best time to burn it no fires can start!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> Best time to burn it no fires can start!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand that but don't you have to dig it out of the snow and wouldn't it be all wet? (Sorry for thread jacking here)


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## 3kidsforlife

Not if it's big enough! I'm talking 40 by 40.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> Not if it's big enough! I'm talking 40 by 40.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow thats a big brush pile.


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## Bobby5000

"Talked to one lawyer today who said yes I can change the locks but in my state he has seen that go the wrong way when it is done to the mother. "

Sorry to break bad news but the house is both of yours unless and until the court issues an order. Generally courts issue orders if there is a danger evidenced by some type of act of physical violence. Neither husbands nor wives are kicked out of houses (or the other spouse allowed to do so) for infidelity and many other bad things.


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## 3kidsforlife

So I might have done something stupid but don't know. Last night she going out and I had the kids. I called her brother to bring over his son to play with my youngest kid. It just so happened that she was leaving at the same time he came and he asked me where she was going and I said out on a date with the other guy. He said he was sorry about the divorce and not to be a stranger. He came back later to pick up his kid and we talked about regular life for a little bit and he left. She came home this morning and was all mad that I told her brother that and wanted to know if I was making stuff up or what. I said I heard it from a friend. And she said he doesn't even live her. I said what ever.


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## cool12

stop talking to her.
let her ask all the questions she wants as you are walking away from her.


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## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Last night she going out...
> She came home this morning.


I would not live under the same roof with this woman, I wouldn't care what it takes, or the ramifications, I would not.

T


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## 3kidsforlife

Tony I just noticed you are from Austin. That is where here sister lived for a while. Last name Woods. I cant imagine what her family is thinking with all the stories they are being told.


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## 3kidsforlife

Being a single dad is a lot of work. This crazy women won't even put away the kids clothes or do the dishes now. Doesn't matter it's all going down in the journal! Sucks because my lawyer is gone till next week had to call her lawyer to tell the that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Tony I just noticed you are from Austin. That is where here sister lived for a while. Last name Woods. I cant imagine what her family is thinking with all the stories they are being told.


There's nearly a million people here in Austin and the surrounding area.

When I say I wouldn't stay under the same roof, that's coming purely from my ego; I don't know if it's good advice insofar as finances, kids, etc, I wouldn't care, I would put distance between myself and callused unloving spouse.

T


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## 3kidsforlife

Today I got off early so I came home to play with the youngest because I missed him. And she sat in a room by herself not talking not texting or anything for two hours. What a lonely life a cheater lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> Today I got off early so I came home to play with the youngest because I missed him. And she sat in a room by herself not talking not texting or anything for two hours. What a lonely life a cheater lives.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should have gathered the kids and went for ice cream. Have fun, you don't need her.

T


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## 3kidsforlife

Me and the boy played loud and proud. Made for sure she heard us laughing and having fun! Have fun in the after math women!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I am just wondering what she can do with the pain and suffering because I have exposed this affair to her family and brother of recent days.


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## turnera

Well, the best thing she can do is learn humility and apologize to everyone.


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## 3kidsforlife

No i meant law wise.


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## Squeakr

Want can she do? Nothing. The truth is what it is and there is no denying that. It is not slander, libel, or anything else to tell the truth, as long as that is what you do. Don't embellish anything, just the facts.


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## turnera

Oh, nothing. I have yet to see a person get legally penalized for telling family/friends that a spouse is cheating. The ONLY option would be if it weren't true and she could try to sue for slander.


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## 3kidsforlife

Thats just its on Sunday I made a comment to her brother that she was going on a date with her new man. Because I heard it from friend. I dont now for sure if its the truth or not. Can she use that against me? I have to stop talking to them just the kids thats it i know that it just slipped out.


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## Squeakr

I wouldn't worry about a thing. In order for them to do anything they have to bring it out into the public light. When they push the issue, it then opens them to all the other things that they have done and you can bring them out as proof and to clear your name. They don't want the negative publicity so most lawyers would consult them as to this possibility of making them appear worse and it becoming public knowledge.


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## 3kidsforlife

Just curious are you guys talking about the sexy stuff. Like walking around the house with no shirt on and covering her front with a work shirt and not putting it on. To go down stairs to get a under shirt.


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> Just curious are you guys talking about the sexy stuff. Like walking around the house with no shirt on and covering her front with a work shirt and not putting it on. To go down stairs to get a under shirt.


Yep, using sex as a weapon to suck you back in and gauge your attraction level that still might exist.


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## 3kidsforlife

What do you do for this? I am just starting to get over her and move on with my life. Is this a act to try to make the marriage work or what. What is the best option if I some what want the marriage to work?


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## Squeakr

Only you can truly answer that question. Only you know how she is acting daily and if she is trying to change (say she hit rock bottom and is seeing everything for what it is and is truly remorseful) or is she just trying to play you? Your answer to those questions plays a big part in how you decide to proceed.


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## 3kidsforlife

I don't think she has hit rock bottom just yet and not acting remorseful at all. She made a comment about she wants full parenting of the kids. And I just walked away. So why would she want to see if I'm still attracted? I guess I pretty dumb in this stuff!


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> I don't think she has hit rock bottom just yet and not acting remorseful at all. She made a comment about she wants full parenting of the kids. And I just walked away. So why would she want to see if I'm still attracted? I guess I pretty dumb in this stuff!


She wants to know that she can still control you (as yes she has been controlling you and the entire marriage and situations through her A). She might be afraid that plan A is slipping away, or realizes that it is not what she wants, and needs you to be plan B to be there for her. She thinks she deserves the kids and is saying she wants full custody so she can keep you controlled, by stopping the D for fear of you losing the kids. It is all part of the game lots of the cheaters play.


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## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> Thats just its on Sunday I made a comment to her brother that she was going on a date with her new man. Because I heard it from friend.  I dont now for sure if its the truth or not. Can she use that against me? I have to stop talking to them just the kids thats it i know that it just slipped out.


No, of course not.

Are your reading NMMNG and MMSLP yet? You need some doses of manliness.


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## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> What do you do for this? I am just starting to get over her and move on with my life. Is this a act to try to make the marriage work or what.


No, it is solely done to REGAIN CONTROL.

Women know how to control men - sex. As soon as you start thinking about her body and not her personality, she rules.

You're an adult. Control yourself.


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## turnera

Squeakr said:


> She thinks she deserves the kids and is saying she wants full custody so she can keep you controlled


Not to mention to get you to have to pay her tons of money every month.


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## 3kidsforlife

Turnera yes I still am reading NMMNG but what was MMSLP. I was just afraid she could use that in court. Squeakr so I keep my mouth shut, stick to the 180 and don't take any of her advances.


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## turnera

3kids, judges get to decide what is worth hearing in court. Plus they have to look at laws. You have broken no laws! Calm down!

MMSLP


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## 3kidsforlife

I will never lose my kids every one in the world knows that they are my life. All of our family and friends know that I would do anything for my kids. Fighting for them is one thing I will not stop doing!


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## Squeakr

Only you can decide how to proceed. Only you will know and can see if she is being truthful, remorseful, or just being sad and scared of what to do next. You can then proceed as you see fit, but if she were still in the A, contact with the AP, or other toxic friends and her ways haven't changed, I myself would be skeptical and stay far away from it. Also check with your lawyer as in some states, sex with the WS is considered a form of forgiveness and if adultery matters in your state, it can be seen as you forgiving her infidelity and it no longer being valid in the divorce (this is something my lawyer told me, and he made it clear in my state it didn't matter, so go ahead and enjoy the ride if I wanted to while it lasted, as it wouldn't sway the courts either way for me).

Only you can know what is bets for you (just like how much do you need to know to heal, et). Professionals (of which I am not) and others can give you guidance based upon their knowledge, training, and experience, but in the end only you know what is bets for you and your family. Remember they are affected to, but don't let them be the sole reason that you may make a decisions that may not be in your best interest. Like a sixth sense, we all seem to know what we need deep down inside.


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> I will never lose my kids every one in the world knows that they are my life. All of our family and friends know that I would do anything for my kids. Fighting for them is one thing I will not stop doing!


Unfortunatley, unless things are drastic in your situation, you will lose your kids. If only for half the time that you have available with them, you will lose them in some respect. Be prepared for that fact (and this is why some choose to stay with a cheater until the children are adults), but you need to decide based upon your current dynamics and if you can accept things the way they are currently (as if you accept them now they will not change you can almost bet on that).


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## Chaparral

Google texas adultery divorce laws. You can file at fault in t
Texas. This is a major bargaining chip.

Good luck


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## 3kidsforlife

We'll she told me today that she is moving out not this weekend but next and we will split up the kids after that. She is moving into her moms place. I sure am going to miss my kids! Putting them to bed every night seeing them after school every day and weekend. This sucks! She gets no bills at all and I get all the house bills. I will have to talk to my lawyer on that one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

She gets half of them. They are marital debts so she is responsible. Also she can't just take the kids. Get a custody agreement in place before letting her continue to call the shots. This is why she is so quick to love on as she thinks as will have no real responsibilities and just drop the kids on you when she wants to satisfy herself. She is playing you as the glorified paycheck and babysitter. Get your rights before she strips you of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

My lawyer is out of town so I can't talk to them. So she has to pay a portion of the bills she can't just leave me to all of them? Is that because even though she is moving out this is there primary residence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

I am no lawyer, but things that were shared bills and responsibilities can't just be reassigned to one party because the other party is no longer interested on them. If it worked that way I would just walk away and let my WW shoulder all the burden but I still have responsibility for them as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

What will happen is that, once the divorce is final, the judge will decide what bills you each owe, in general dollar terms. If you both work full time and the kids split their time at both places, you may not owe each other anything (depends on the state; you're in Texas?), and you'll be responsible for your own bills at your own place. So, yes, you may end up responsible for all the bills at your place.


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## 3kidsforlife

She also said something about getting a storage locker. But she can't remove anything from the house not even the kids stuff. Except her stuff like clothes and stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I live in Minnesota. But until the divorce is final she has to pay her part of the bills for the house right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

She doesn't have to do anything. At least not until your lawyer, and a judge, put it in writing.


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## 3kidsforlife

How long does that take?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

On a separate note has her affair already gone full PA?


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## 3kidsforlife

I think part of the town and all of the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> I live in Minnesota. But until the divorce is final she has to pay her part of the bills for the house right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes she does


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## Squeakr

Keep track of all you spend on shared bills. Although she is responsible and obligated to pay them, of she doesn't you are the one that will suffer. If you have be receipts and proof that you paid them out of your pocket, you can request that reimbursement as part of the divorce settlement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

Keep paying the bills for now. It sucks but unless you want to screw over your credit ( like I did), keep paying them. She's not responsible; the household is. 

Get a legal separation as quickly as possible, if not the D. That way her bills are hers, yours are yours.


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## 3kidsforlife

If I don't stop paying credit cards right now that are all in my name I can't afford the house bills that I'm going to get stuck with right away. Until my lawyer makes it so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

If she pulls her financial support from the joint availability make more of when she stopped and how much should be contributed it, as it is considered mutual earnings and you should have access to them. Her with holdings can be removed from her part of the settlement. Also put a freeze on the availability of your credit to her (if the cards are in your name remove her as an authorized user to stop her from burying you in debt). Talk to your bank and creditors and let them know what is happening as they may be able to assist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Write to every one of them (on paper, in writing, making a copy) informing them that your wife moved out and that you intend to pay your bills but require a temporary reprieve until legal issues are resolved. Tell them you will continue to pay them $25/month in good faith. This will protect you legally.


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## 3kidsforlife

I plan on filing for bankruptcy even after the divorce. I will have to see what my lawyer recommends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

How can someone be so selfish that they only want to see there kids half the time. And think they will still be happy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

manfromlamancha said:


> On a separate note has her affair already gone full PA?


PA = Physical Affair

Has she slept/been sleeping with the OM ?


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## 3kidsforlife

Not that I know of. He is from out of state. And I don't know when he comes into town.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I think living with her mom will stop that also. She is a pretty controlling women!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

manfromlamancha said:


> PA = Physical Affair
> 
> Has she slept/been sleeping with the OM ?


Not that I know of. Why do you ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Has anyone just walked up to WW gave them a hug and walked away! I wonder how they would react! A slap in the face, a push off or a hug back! I was just wondering what she would do! I think it would be pretty funny!


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## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> Has anyone just walked up to WW gave them a hug and walked away! I wonder how they would react! A slap in the face, a push off or a hug back! I was just wondering what she would do! I think it would be pretty weak!


Fify


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## 3kidsforlife

I welcome the slap maybe i could use it in court!


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## Squeakr

If she is that far gone And vindictive she might think it was an attack and fight back or use it as point for a restraining order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I just though screwing with her might be fun. I never thought it could back fire! I just read up on Minnesota laws and I have to grin and bare it. Be open and communicate with her to show the courts we can talk so I make sure I get my 50% of the kids. She can go do what ever she wants! I just want to spend time with my kids when I get to.


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> I just though screwing with her might be fun. I never thought it could back fire! I just read up on Minnesota laws and I have to grin and bare it. Be open and communicate with her to show the courts we can talk so I make sure I get my 50% of the kids. She can go do what ever she wants! I just want to spend time with my kids when I get to.


Yep. It is amazing how that works. They do what they want when they want and the laws never seem to affect them, but you do just one wrong thing and it all comes back to you in spades somehow and your punishment usually affects your time and custody with the kids. It just is so not fair (just like lots of other things in life).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Are you reading and rereading the 180? Its hard to understand the subtlety of the 180. Its the little details that count.

Two of he biggest are to be cheerful yet ignore her except for talking about your kids. Just be kind to her as you would a stranger that you don't know so you have no trust.

Do not bring up the relationship but if she brings it up you can as long as you both can be civil. Otherwise just say your not ok with this and leave the room.


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## 3kidsforlife

For the first time since this started tonight I believe I was doing the 180 correct! I said hello and how is it going. From there she told me about her schooling problems and the kids and I just listened while I put away groceries that I bought at lunch. She continued to talk normal and about how we would split the upcoming time with the kids. I asked if I could lock the doors every night she said yes. She stopped on her way out of the garage and called for me and asked me to look at her oil dipstick in her hands to see if she was reading it right. I said it was low and pointed to the oil on the shelf. She asked where it went and I pointed it to her. She tried to hand me the quarts and I just walked away and asked if there was anything else and we said good night. Even if I want tell her off I have to start to be civil to gain her trust to get my kids half the time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Was this the correct way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Computer ate my post. No, you did not do it right.


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## turnera

Found it!


3kidsforlife said:


> I said hello and *how is it going*.*No. Stop asking anything. That is not 180.*From there she told me about her schooling problems and the kids and *I just listened *while I put away groceries that I bought at lunch.*No. A 180 guy has other things to do. Interrupt her and say 'sorry, I'm busy, don't you have friends to tell that to?* She continued to talk normal and about how we would split the upcoming time with the kids. *I asked* if I could lock the doors every night she said yes.*Say what? You ASKED? NO! You TELL! 'I will be locking and deadlocking the door at 10pm from now on; if you're not home, you'll have to find somewhere else to sleep.'* She stopped on her way out of the garage and called for me and asked me to look at her oil dipstick in her hands to see if she was reading it right. *I said it was low No, you say 'you want to be single, that's your responsibility now. And walk away.* and pointed to the oil on the shelf. She asked where it went and I pointed it to her. She tried to hand me the quarts and I just walked away and *asked if there was anything elseNo. Stop asking. Just WALK AWAY. *and we said good night. Even if I want tell her off I *have to start to be civil to gain her trust* to get my kids half the time!*No, you don't have to be civil in order to get your kids half time; you just have to have a good lawyer.*


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## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> Not that I know of. Why do you ask?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is acting like someone who has - this far gone with the OM.


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## Squeakr

I would say turnera was dead on except for the first response were he ended it with "don't you have friends to tell that to?" I would instead say "I am busy discuss/ tell this to your friends or someone whom cares!" as turnera's version gives her a question to respond to which opens up a chance for dialogue and might possibly give her an impression you care. You only want to engage regarding the divorce proceedings or the welfare, custody, and rearing of your children.

It is fine to care but do your best to try and hide it from showing as that is the point of the 180. It is like a giant "silent" treatment where the only time you break it is to get the necessary information you need to move on and not to be civil and maintain small talk. Unless it pertains to your children and their welfare, let her figure it out for herself your not her teacher anymore. 

It would be real hard to not say but think about your answers always being for her to have the OM do that for her now (like read the dipstick and replace the oil". Next time you may just walk away and ignore her or just state "that is no longer my job or responsibility it's someone else's now" and walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I understand what you guys are saying. What I did was more like a carrot not the stick. This morning she called me to ask if my mom could watch the little one so she could do some shopping and she let it slip talk to her lawyer. I said I don't think she would with the snow coming. I then called my mom to tell her that she is not to watch the little one no matter what. No way is she going to use my family to go talk to her lawyer!


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## Chaparral

You don't have conversations with her unless its about bills or your kids. Shw wants something, tell her she fired you from that job, call your boyfriend.


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## Tony55

3kidsforlife said:


> For the first time since this started tonight I believe I was doing the 180 correct! I said hello and how is it going. From there she told me about her schooling problems and the kids and I just listened while I put away groceries that I bought at lunch. She continued to talk normal and about how we would split the upcoming time with the kids. I asked if I could lock the doors every night she said yes. She stopped on her way out of the garage and called for me and asked me to look at her oil dipstick in her hands to see if she was reading it right. I said it was low and pointed to the oil on the shelf. She asked where it went and I pointed it to her. She tried to hand me the quarts and I just walked away and asked if there was anything else and we said good night. Even if I want tell her off I have to start to be civil to gain her trust to get my kids half the time!


In my opinion if you were truly 180 you would have put the oil in for her, just as you would for any other girl on this planet if they asked, but talked to her as if she was your mother or the little old lady across the street, showing no signs of attraction or contempt.

Again, in my opinion, if you treat her differently than a stranger, then you're not at 180.

T


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## 3kidsforlife

Well you guys are going to hate me but we both sat down and talked! This women is more like a walk a way wife is what I found out. This divorce is on both of us. She cares about me and I care about her. At the beginning of talking she talked about MC but she didn't think things would change. The conversation was going really good found out a lot about us and the feelings for each other. Her bad friend called during a smoke break and I could hear her voice. All of a sudden her feelings changed and wants the divorce but still cares about me. I think that this friend has a lot of influence on her right. I feel bad for her because she is going to lose every thing just because of this other bad influence. She has bought all new clothes and trying to be a different person. Any ways it did help me a lot I can now move on. We both talked about our money problems and house problems and job problems. How it hurt our life together. She is going to get a swift kick in the end when she does not have half the kids half the time during the divorce and after. So am I. But I run a business so I can work or enjoy life when I don't have the kids. She will have to work and go to school. Plus if she thinks I will roll over and die during the divorce she has another thing coming. I know what you guys are thinking. But it was a nice civil talk. We both put every thing out there. Like adults. After she talked to her friend she came back as saying she wanted to take one of the beds of the kids I said not until the divorce is final. She was not happy but said what ever. Thank you all for all the advice. I think I could have made the 180 work but I talked some times it all came out wrong and mad. She thought I was going crazy. In some way I was. I think she is still missing something in her head. She did not see how much this is hurting or daughter and didn't believe me. So I told her I called the school today to set up counseling time for her and when the daughter came home from school and told her about it and wanted to really go to it and have us sign the paperwork. I could see the pain in the wife eyes. We both needed space from each other to get to this talk. Wish that would have happened a couple of weeks ago. Time to move on with my life! She might come around or she might not that is up to her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inthedoldrums

I know you want to save the marriage, but the hard reality is--there is no saving it. you need to be strong and walk through this situation and come out the other end. You only have one life, do you really want to be treated this way by someone who clearly has no respect for you? It can be better than this, trust me. It will be hard at first...but then it will get easier. Don't throw away your life on someone who treats you like this. you need to believe that you deserve better.


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## 3kidsforlife

I do want to but I can't talk her into it or make her do it. Through the talk I realized we both were in such a high stressed world it hurt our marriage to the final end. And she took the easy way out. Do I want this women no do I want the hard working honest women I feel in love with yes. I am probably going to get that no. Will I find new love maybe but I have a fresh start on life and three great kids that love me. Will I have good day yes. Will I still miss my old life sometimes. Only I control that. I took a stand today and talked to my ex wife and ex best friend. I needed to do that for me not any one else! Bring on life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

You didn't ak her why her demeanor changed so much when she talked to her toxic friend? You should and ask her if the toxic friend will take care of her or her kids when they need help, need a ride, help with homework or get sick. Will she stay up all night or rush home from work to be with them?


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## tom67

Chaparral said:


> You didn't ak her why her demeanor changed so much when she talked to her toxic friend? You should and ask her if the toxic friend will take care of her or her kids when they need help, need a ride, help with homework or get sick. Will she stay up all night or rush home from work to be with them?


:iagree::iagree:
Yes next convo!


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## Nucking Futs

You need to stop feeding into her dysfunction and let her hit bottom, see that the TF is not going to be there for her like you were. She'll never get to that point if you don't stop engaging. She still has you and she knows it, she needs to know she doesn't have you any more before she'll feel the loss.

Get your mind right. Adhere to the 180. It might help you save this marriage. If not, at least you'll come out of it with your mental health intact.


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## 3kidsforlife

To late we have a blizzard her in Minnesota and she got stuck in her moms drive way and she said she could not be there in the morning for the kids if I didn't come pull her out. I told her to call her family and her friend and she said they wouldn't. So I got in my truck and tryed to pull her out and got stuck my self. I called her brother now he is on his way to get me out. I must have some bad stuff in my life cause this karma is killing me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> To late we have a blizzard her in Minnesota and she got stuck in her moms drive way and she said she could not be there in the morning for the kids if I didn't come pull her out. I told her to call her family and her friend and she said they wouldn't. So I got in my truck and tryed to pull her out and got stuck my self. I called her brother now he is on his way to get me out. I must have some bad stuff in my life cause this karma is killing me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah it's pretty bad out there.


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## 3kidsforlife

Well I found out she spent all her money from college and paycheck. So she needs tires on her car and she can't afford them and wants me to buy them. Ha ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## inthedoldrums

3kidsforlife said:


> I do want to but I can't talk her into it or make her do it. Through the talk I realized we both were in such a high stressed world it hurt our marriage to the final end. And she took the easy way out. Do I want this women no do I want the hard working honest women I feel in love with yes. I am probably going to get that no. Will I find new love maybe but I have a fresh start on life and three great kids that love me. Will I have good day yes. Will I still miss my old life sometimes. Only I control that. I took a stand today and talked to my ex wife and ex best friend. I needed to do that for me not any one else! Bring on life!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Yes! Bring on life! You are absolutely right. Focus on your children and freeing yourself from this hurtful woman. The truth is, we change in life...and some of don't change for the better. She is not the person you married. She has changed in to someone you don't recognize. Move on and beyond. All the best!:yay:


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> To late we have a blizzard her in Minnesota and she got stuck in her moms drive way and she said she could not be there in the morning for the kids if I didn't come pull her out. I told her to call her family and her friend and she said they wouldn't. So I got in my truck and tryed to pull her out and got stuck my self. I called her brother now he is on his way to get me out. I must have some bad stuff in my life cause this karma is killing me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So why is it that nobody in her family would help her yet they will help you? I don't think she even tried to be truthful. Don't think you are to blame you are just getting caught for trying to be nice. I know the feeling exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> Well I found out she spent all her money from college and paycheck. So she needs tires on her car and she can't afford them and wants me to buy them. Ha ha ha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your answer to her is a constant........." you fired me, here's a quarter."

Your mantra (from- the guy) should be "I deserve good things.". Repeat as often as possible.


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## Chaparral

You really should have told her to call her toxic friend and hung up on her. I'm not sure this was an epic fail but its close. Let her friend come get her, let her friend buy her tires. Let her friend kiss her ass.


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## U.E. McGill

Chaparral said:


> You really should have told her to call her toxic friend and hung up on her. I'm not sure this was an epic fail but its close. Let her friend come get her, let her friend buy her tires. Let her friend kiss her ass.



I agree. Next time drop the kids off (it's a favor to them). Look out your car window and say "good luck!" Keep on driving.


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## cool12

stop taking her calls!


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## Chaparral

cool12 said:


> stop taking her calls!



Texts only about the kids or emergencies.


I have to admit I would have gone to pull her out of the snow. I would not speak to her though beyond telling her what to do with the car to get it out of the snow. I would not have accepted any thanks either. I wouldn't leave anyone stuck in the snow.


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## turnera

Chaparral said:


> Your answer to her is a constant........." you fired me, here's a quarter."


In case you missed it, the quarter is for the payphone, to call someone who cares.


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## turnera

Chaparral said:


> Texts only about the kids or emergencies.
> 
> 
> I have to admit I would have gone to pull her out of the snow. I would not speak to her though beyond telling her what to do with the car to get it out of the snow. I would not have accepted any thanks either. I wouldn't leave anyone stuck in the snow.


Not to mention, he'd have to miss work the next day for having no one to watch the kids.


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## 3kidsforlife

So on the counter this morning was a new notebook sitting close by was a piece of paper folded up with all the recent dates. Yep she has also started the journal. On it said lawyer names and be civil! I know how this is going to go. Bring on the court! She wants to take one of the kids bed do I let her or not? And how do I get her to hit ROCK BOTTOM?


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## turnera

Nothing moves from the home without a court order.


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## turnera

Did you take a picture of the journal and the writing?


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## turnera

Have you looked into setting up a camera (for security, natch) in your home?


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## Squeakr

Chaparral said:


> Texts only about the kids or emergencies.
> 
> 
> I have to admit I would have gone to pull her out of the snow. I would not speak to her though beyond telling her what to do with the car to get it out of the snow. I would not have accepted any thanks either. I wouldn't leave anyone stuck in the snow.


Since she was in her mother's driveway (so she could get inside away from the weather and be comfortable, warm, and safe), I am not sure I would have done the same, as it would entail me risking my safety to get her out, and someone needs to be available for the kids. Stranded on the road, yes most definitely I would have made the trek (but it is just the helpful good samaritan I am).


Since she wants the bed, you could let it go with her, but note the value of it and get the two of you to agree in writing that she is taking it and this counts within the property division settlement, just as a way to safeguard yourself, could even get it notarized). Since it is hers too, she has the right to it, this just keeps her from taking things and selling them to pay her bills and fund her fun. Talk to your lawyer about this to be sure you are covered.


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## turnera

Good points, Squeakr. Make a grand exhibit of marking the value of the bed in YOUR journal, so she understands its value is coming out of HER half of any settlement. And VAR yourself doing it.


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## 3kidsforlife

No I forgot to take a picture! It is hard to not talk to her on the phone because of the kids. I am sure her lawyer told her to call only because she now has stopped texting to me. I want her to hit Rock Bottom and make her feel the pain. I know she is out of money and that is a start. But what else can I do. She is living with her mom who has no money at all so that is a plus. But what else can I do? Key answer yesterday thinking about the conversation was. Not right now on working on the Marriage! That means she wants to do it when she has no other choice! Wants to be in control! I know this marriage is over but part of me wants it to work it is very hard to get over that!


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## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> It is hard to not talk to her on the phone because of the kids.


Set up a cozy.com calendar and both of you post there about what's going on with the kids. email her the link and the password and say "I will be putting all kid stuff in this calendar."


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## 3kidsforlife

The funny thing me and the kids were snuggled up last night before she left watching tv. She was on the other couch by her self and all of a sudden starts playing music on her phone like footloose classic girls just want to have fun crap. She must have to keep reminding her self this is all about herself and her life! She has done this a lot now that I think about it the last couple of weeks. She sees me and the kids connecting and is missing that and has to remind her self she will be happier else where. Wow does she got another thing coming. Being a single parent is very very hard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I get a kick out of everything today! First she calls and bags for me to buy tires for her. I laughed and told her to ask her family and friends. She asked if my mom would lend her the money and I said absolutely not! Then she had the kids call me and took over the phone to tell me that she is taking her name off of all the bills today. I said I will call them when I get home. She is just frantic about money right now! That is so funny listening to her worry!


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> I get a kick out of everything today! First she calls and bags for me to buy tires for her. I laughed and told her to ask her family and friends. She asked if my mom would lend her the money and I said absolutely not! Then she had the kids call me and took over the phone to tell me that she is taking her name off of all the bills today. I said I will call them when I get home. She is just frantic about money right now! That is so funny listening to her worry!


If she takes her name off of things, then make sure you get her copies of the ATM, credit and other cards. Change all the passwords and contact them to make sure she is not an authorized user on anything and can't continue to use them and charge things to use and run up debts. Stop funding her fun.


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## turnera

Just make sure you are not making decisions that will leave your CHILDREN without support (food, electricity, etc.) just to spite her. That will look bad and hurt you in the divorce.


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## Squeakr

turnera said:


> Just make sure you are not making decisions that will leave your CHILDREN without support (food, electricity, etc.) just to spite her. That will look bad and hurt you in the divorce.


She is living at her moms, so this shouldn't be a problem. She thinks she is living there, so she has no responsibility for anything.


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## 3kidsforlife

She is taking her name off of the house bills. That is going to hurt her in court. She thinks she gets to live at her moms with little nothing for bills. Wish I could just drop all the bills also!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> She is taking her name off of the house bills. That is going to hurt her in court. She thinks she gets to live at her moms with little nothing for bills. Wish I could just drop all the bills also!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:agree: Don't we all, whether going through D, R, or in a "good" M!!!


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## 3kidsforlife

I called all of them and could save some money. Me and the kids talked about saving money and they are on board with me. Plus the insurance lady is my best friends wife and she has been through all this with her first dead beat dad husband. So she knows all about the courts. Plus on my weekend she invited me and the kids out to som fancy cabin with four other family's. For free! But its the same weekend as she is taking all her stuff. Do I go or just stay home because she might take stuff from the house? I think me and the kids should go. Who cares if she takes stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

I would go. She'll take it whether you're there or not. If there, she might take it just to prove a point. Hide the stuff you don't want her to have beforehand (or that she might take just to make you mad). you could video everything in the house beforehand for proof of what was there (if it is good enough for insurance purposes, should work for D).

Don't be surprised if she brings someone that you don't want to see to help her (if the stuff is heavy) or has the cops escort her (she'll feed them a story about fearing for her safety and you becoming controlling and not letting her have her stuff). The kids don't need to witness this, so just take the trip and plan on replacing the things with better.


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## turnera

Just make sure you have taken a picture of every single thing of value, printed out the pictures, make copies, and left her a set of the copies. That way, she knows that YOU know what's in the house.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Box all her stuff and put it on a tarp, next to the driveway, coverd by another tarp. Change the locks and go on your trip.

Leave her stuff where she can get to it, without having access to the house. If she says that you missed something, you work it out later on.

If you let her in your house when you're not there, you'll be sorry.


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## turnera

I like that even better.


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## Squeakr

If she has officially moved then you could change the locks and go in peace. If she gets the cops to come there and assist her in opening the door when she has abandoned, then she is considered trespassing, especially since she has removed her liability from everything. 

Also could move everything of value into a room and put a lock on it, so she would be breaking into and you'd have proof of the vandalism.

Can you get a friend to come and stay at the house to insure she takes nothing "extra".

The memories you'll make with you kids, will be more valuable than the trinkets she could take in the end, as she will never be able to get those memories, but you can replace a TV, fridge, etc.


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## Chaparral

This has disaster written all over it. 
MANY here have thought they were taking the high road only to be wiped out while they were gone. Get it through your head that you have no idea who you are dealing with. You won't buy her tires, well, she will see about that.

You go now and change the locks. Do not let her in if YOU are not there. She fired you, porked other men and moved out. She has anew address. The only reason she is trying to act reasonable is because she was told to.

If you let her into your house with out you, she will continue to do what she can to make a fool of you. In her mind this is all your fault. She WILL make you pay.........given the oppurtunity.

Postpone her coming over and take your kids to a fun weekend. She's not your boss anymore and she doesnt get a vote either.

Nice never works and I dare someone to point out a thread where being nice to a WS did.


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## Squeakr

If she takes it from him, then she is taking it from her kids as well. This will look bad on her in court, and it will look bad on her in the kids eyes. Think about the message she will be sending to the kids about their and the families worth.

Sometimes the lesson learned are worth the prices we have to pay.


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## tdwal

Why the heck don't you tell her to get it on a different day when your there then go on the cabin trip.


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## Tobyboy

Change the locks before you leave. Do not tell her where your going, until the last minute. Even then don't be too specific.


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## 3kidsforlife

I think squeakr is right. I really don't think she would take anything besides some toys and maybe a kids bed. If she was going to take some stuff it would happen every day when I'm at work. But then again if she is just taking her clothes and personal stuff that can be carried out in a couple of boxes. I can't live in fear. If she takes a bed what the heck at least my kids won't sleep on the floor at her moms house. I will take a video for the court and we will see. Did anyone ever get little anxiety attacks during the divorce. Some times it just hits me and I have to take a deep breath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

So crazy up her in Minnesota with the wind and snow. I'm at work today and oldest has a basketball game this morning he has called me a couple of times looking for stuff. Even though she is at the house with them. Final she calls me. I had a friend coming to plow the drive way this morning. She calls me to chit chat about my friend getting stuck in the drive way and how funny it was. I stopped her and said is that what you called about. She said why are you being so short with me. I said why do you want to talk to me, you want to divorce me. She said ok. And I said goodbye and hung up!


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## 3kidsforlife

Correction She said why are you being so crazy! And I said Im not you want to divorce me why do you want to talk to me!


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## jack.c

your giving her to much sadisfaction.... next time just say that your busy, cant talk. bye


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## Chaparral

Tell her you're particular about who you associate with and adulterers don't make the cut.


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## 3kidsforlife

I have never been the one to call her during this whole thing! Only text message and those are short and sweet about the kids! She has always called me.


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## Thound

3kidsforlife said:


> So crazy up her in Minnesota with the wind and snow. I'm at work today and oldest has a basketball game this morning he has called me a couple of times looking for stuff. Even though she is at the house with them. Final she calls me. I had a friend coming to plow the drive way this morning. She calls me to chit chat about my friend getting stuck in the drive way and how funny it was. I stopped her and said is that what you called about. She said why are you being so short with me. I said why do you want to talk to me, you want to divorce me. She said ok. And I said goodbye and hung up!


Sounds like she wants you to be devastated by her divorcing you. She wants you to be a sobbing,burnout shell of a man. Must be tough on her that you're not.


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## LongWalk

You're passing the shxt test. Hard for the teacher to see the pupil graduate and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I sent her a schedule for the kids by email. Its is a 2-2-3-2-2-3 schedule. I think pretty fair. Other than going every other week. Witch I told her neither one of us wants. That was yesterday. She called me last night and told me she did not know about it with her work schedule. I sent her a text this afternoon saying look at the schedule. We are both going to make work sacrifices and I need to know so we can figure out our work schedules. She sent me a text saying I will look at it.


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## 3kidsforlife

During that conversation the other day I realized that this person is not my wife. It is her toxic friend. I have been there for my kids through out this month and a half. That is why when she is around they choose to be and play with me. They all want to sleep in my bed with me and right now they can for the rest of there life! I am not perfect! But from what I am being told by you guys and friends and family and old friends that have gone through this. She will look very bad in the courts eyes when this all starts. From the kids to all the money spent not on the kids and bills. I can not be there for her anymore as a friend or a husband. She fired me of that job! And I now that her mom is there for her right know but she will get very sick of doing every thing for her! That is when she will hit rock bottom!!!!!


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## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> I do thank you all very much! I also don't believe all people are the same. Some people like her are just so drugged they don't see the crap hit the fan. So far you all have been right half the time. So I half to pick and choose what to do. Remember my end game is to work on my marriage and have a chance to have a marraige.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why it is so very important for her to hit rock bottom. Any restraint on your part is enabling her affair. JMO


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## GutPunch

Nucking Futs said:


> No harder than most CWI posters have it.


I can relate


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## GutPunch

GutPunch said:


> 3kfl
> 
> I am not trying to get you divorced and neither is 3putt. I for one have been in your very shoes and got coached up by TAM. I know the information is counterintuitive but it works.
> 
> I was cheated on and left to tend to a 3 and 6 year old. It hurts. You need to let your wife feel consequences. She needs to know you don't need her and will not tolerate her behavior. Where is your self esteem?
> 
> I reconciled with my wife. She is a completely different person now. I think part of the reason was the fact that I let her go and started the divorce process. She got her own apartment, new AP, split time with the kids. She got to see that maybe I was not the source of her unhappiness and problems. My wife then began to look inward and got the help she needed. I now got a much better wife now than I had before but only because she did the work. I was just the enemy, then not such a bad guy, to maybe I still love him, to maybe I should try to work it out, to please give me another chance.
> 
> You can't win your wife back. You have to let go and focus on yourself and your kids. You can't shield the kids from pain either. Comfort them as best you can.
> 
> 3KFL she may or may not come around. Accept that you have no control. Hard 180. No relationship discussions. I would muster up the money and file for divorce. I would not let her in the house until a judge makes me do it. File for temp emergency custody of the children while you have them. Do more talk less.
> 
> All the Best
> GP


Here's me liking my own post. Did you read it?


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## LongWalk

GP,

Ms GP, whom I consider to be my pal, had an affair because a total POS quack drug addict doctor told her that her sickness made her beautiful and special. Your wife wanted to hear that because she was not prepared to deal with her addiction. The enormity of POSOM's lie was evident after a single meeting in person.

Sadly she had to resume her addiction to dull the pain of having been duped so that as you say she had to fall hard before she could return a better person. It was critically insightful of you not to say "I love you to her on the phone from the clinic". She had to understand that the calls would not have taken place if you had not cared.

Moreover, she had to realize that she had to take responsibility and become a person capable of accepting love. What a difficult path.

Funny that in dreams we never feel pain. Just as the horrible events of nightmares unfold to the point of consequence we wake up covered with sweat, heart racing.

In real life protection from the consequences of dysfunction allows us to hide us from our responsibilities. That is why a person who is still involved in an affair cannot fix their marriage. The economic and emotional pain have to sting, burn and throb before a WS can fly right.


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## 3kidsforlife

She just tried to call and I let it go to a voice mail. Then she sent a text message asking if I got the message an hour later. It said my two kids were spending the night at her moms house. I told her that my mom was watching the kids tomorrow and times and when to pick up the other kid and ended. I didn't even set the phone down and she replied. Nothing more to say right just stop there. My kids are all safe with good people. That's all I need to know. I think I am just lonely to hear her voice. Thats why I always answered it.


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## cool12

i know you miss her.
sorry she's treated you this way.


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## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> I have never been the one to call her during this whole thing! Only text message and those are short and sweet about the kids! She has always called me.


So?

You're still taking her calls.


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## 3kidsforlife

Not any more. She can leave a message and I will text back. Today I told her when she call this morning that she is divorcing me and not to call me to just chit chat! After my last post I had to text her what time to pick up the oldest from a party. I got an "ok" with in one second. And she is at work where she can't have her phone. Somebody's breaking the rules! Ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I did read the NMMNG book except last chapter. Great book! There is no PDF file on the other one so I will have to buy it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## itsmyturn01

3kids, 
I am very sorry. I should not be giving advice, as I have my own issues. However, I think your WW might be a borderline personality. I've known someone with this problem.


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## 3kidsforlife

So something interesting just happened. I get woken up by a phone call from her brother. He asks me to go pick up his wife from the bar. I'm confused maybe it's a set up and he wants to kick my but, but I don't really know. So I go to the bar and pick his wife up. No but kickn just a drunk wife. She starts talking and she says she is sorry for every thing and tells me that the whole family does not hate me and loves me. I am not the one who should be worried about coming over there. I tell her that I love her hole family all that side of the family. The brother in law jumps in the truck when I drop her off to get the other vehicle. He tells me not to be a stranger. I tell him it hard because I think his family does not like me. And I don't want them to pick sides. He tells me no one hates me and they will not pick sides. He then tells me that they all think she is going through a midlife crisis with every thing she has done. I just told him that I love my family and his whole family. He says my other brother In law misses me. He says stop over some time and have a beer and bring the kids. He misses me. This is all so hard because these two guys were my closest friends and because of her I can't talk to them like I used to. Yes they all know about the OM and the way she is acting. How do I get through this part. Her family really loves me and is it good for me to see them. I am just starting to hate her for what she is doing to me and no contact with her. If I start to see them again will it hurt me. What is your guys experience with this stuff? I'm just in the first week of divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> So something interesting just happened. I get woken up by a phone call from her brother. He asks me to go pick up his wife from the bar. I'm confused maybe it's a set up and he wants to kick my but, but I don't really know. So I go to the bar and pick his wife up. No but kickn just a drunk wife. She starts talking and she says she is sorry for every thing and tells me that the whole family does not hate me and loves me. I am not the one who should be worried about coming over there. I tell her that I love her hole family all that side of the family. The brother in law jumps in the truck when I drop her off to get the other vehicle. He tells me not to be a stranger. I tell him it hard because I think his family does not like me. And I don't want them to pick sides. He tells me no one hates me and they will not pick sides. He then tells me that they all think she is going through a midlife crisis with every thing she has done. I just told him that I love my family and his whole family. He says my other brother In law misses me. He says stop over some time and have a beer and bring the kids. He misses me. This is all so hard because these two guys were my closest friends and because of her I can't talk to them like I used to. Yes they all know about the OM and the way she is acting. How do I get through this part. Her family really loves me and is it good for me to see them. I am just starting to hate her for what she is doing to me and no contact with her. If I start to see them again will it hurt me. What is your guys experience with this stuff? I'm just in the first week of divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You just gaveyourself an answer. Seeing them will hurt you.
You are going through shxt, and it is difficolt for you to get over it and move on, so why torture yourself even more?
You need your time... you can just tell your bil's that in this fase you cant do what they ask, but this doesnt mean that in the future it wont happen, just say the truth: your sister crushed me, and now i'm starting to move on and getting over her, bur to do so i must detach completly... completly means all that is her and sorrunding, exept my kids.


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## illwill

Bottom line: Her family is not yours. And blood will always be thicker.


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## turnera

IDK, I can see him divorcing her, and still hanging out with the guys cos they're his friends. Why not?


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## 3kidsforlife

So I was just looking at TMMSLP online and found a book that I remember sitting on the table the other week. The Mindful Attraction Plan. I guess she is reading this book!


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## 3kidsforlife

Maybe Im crazy and this person just wants out of her life and wants to start a new one with out me! Im just a little confused by her reading this book. I know I shouldn't care. But what does this book mean? With her doing everything that she has done so far and this BOOK what does it mean?


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## turnera

Why don't you ask HER?


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## 3kidsforlife

I thought the point of 180 was not to ask this stuff and give them space? In the adult conversation she did think about MC but then gave up on it. I am just really confused!


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## Chaparral

The book you are referring to, I think is the follow up book for MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. Its for men too I think.

Have you sat your wife down and asked her if divorce is what she truly wants.

Have you read the MMSLP book? I think you can download the Kindle ap and download the book on your computer too.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

During the adult conversation we had yes. We sat down and talked her answer was not right now to working on the marriage. Then she got a phone call or text I cant remember. And she changed her answer to no I want a divorce. Probably the OM or her toxic friend.


----------



## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> During the adult conversation we had yes. We sat down and talked her answer was not right now to working on the marriage. Then she got a phone call or text I cant remember. And she changed her answer to no I want a divorce. Probably the OM or her toxic friend.


Have her served asap. Wrap it in a gift box.


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## 3kidsforlife

We are already in the divorce. She sent me the papers in the mail. After I got the papers she has been trying to be my friend and now I put a stop to that and we are only texting back and forth and not even that hardly. I was just wondering what the book meant.


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## turnera

I see nothing wrong with just asking her, out of curiosity, what she's hoping to get out of the book. Tell her maybe you'll read it too.


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> We are already in the divorce. She sent me the papers in the mail. After I got the papers she has been trying to be my friend and now I put a stop to that and we are only texting back and forth and not even that hardly. I was just wondering what the book meant.


Maybe she's trying to get insight into her relationship with POSOM. Maybe she bought it for you to read and she's hoping she won't have to say anything, you'll just see it and start reading it. Maybe it's a false cover over a bound collection of batman comics or her journal. Maybe you should ask her.


----------



## Chaparral

The author of that book is the author people suggest men read mmslp. I wonder if she got the idea from reading your stuff here. Any strange coincidences?


----------



## turnera

I was wondering that, too. Maybe she's reading here.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Im pretty sure she is not reading here. I only go on her at work or my phone. And my phone has been locked for awhile now. Why would she want me to read it. No that you say that it was always out in plain sight. Or it could be for POSOM and her new life. Right now I dont want to break the NC. I feel better not talking to her.


----------



## Chaparral

If she left that book lying around where you could see it, it was meant for you. If its the new ersion of mmslp, she wants you to man up.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Is that the whole thing! She is trying to get me to man up! Is that what she is doing? When I was talking to one of my friends he told me his sister is going through a divorce and her lawyer told her to file first because if she was not sure about the marriage working she then had control over it stopping. Is that why she said in the conversation not right now? What would man up do during all this now? I have stopped all communication except text. What else? I am letting her go slowly day by day! I have stopped trying to please her and am working on myself. How else do I MAN UP?


----------



## GutPunch

I get the sense you are desparate to save your marriage. This is not a good thing. You have caught your wife cheating, she is unremorseful, and has had you served with divorce papers. Yet you are still in shock and trying to hang on to what you used to have. 

I also suggest reading the book Codependent No More and maybe seeing a grief counselor. So sorry but you have got to man up and follow the advice given to you. You seem to read it but pick and choose. These people know what they are talking about. You don't but you will after this is all done.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

GutPunch you are right some days I get desperate and miss what I had. Other half days I feel strong. I hate going home some days because all the pictures on the walls of our happy family are there and I dont want to take them down because of the kids. I know I have to let go but as you know it is hard. This women has hurt me more than I ever thought I could hurt and when I use that and see some pain from her it makes me feel good. But when Stop for a second it hurts again. It is hard because of the kids. Every time I try to do some thing to move with them I get no answers from her. I cant move on with my work schedule with out her telling me a agreeable split time with the kids. I know you are right! Just feel like I can try to fix it sometimes but I know I cant!


----------



## Nucking Futs

GutPunch said:


> I get the sense you are desparate to save your marriage. This is not a good thing. You have caught your wife cheating, she is unremorseful, and has had you served with divorce papers. Yet you are still in shock and trying to hang on to what you used to have.
> 
> I also suggest reading the book Codependent No More and maybe seeing a grief counselor. So sorry but you have got to man up and follow the advice given to you. You seem to read it but pick and choose. These people know what they are talking about. You don't but *you will after this is all done.*


If you stick around you'll end up advising new members not to make the mistakes you made, follow the advice given here to get the best outcome. That'll be too late for you, and much like you they'll ignore the good advice they're given to try to figure it out on their own, and at some point you'll probably post something much like this to one of them.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Staying busy is the hard part. Its been the longest winter in Minnesota in like 15 years. I think we have been above freezing about 7 days in 5 months.


----------



## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> Staying busy is the hard part. Its been the longest winter in Minnesota in like 15 years. I think we have been above freezing about 7 days in 5 months.


Are you sleeping at night? Is your appetite healthy?


----------



## Chaparral

Read the mmslp book. Go ahead and download it. 

Are you working out, that's an instant mood elevator.

Dittoes on the worst winter I have seen since the middle sixties. Every time someone says global warming I want to choke them.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I was working out every other night. But this week I have been really tired and want to sleep but just lay there and when I do fall asleep I wake up about every 4 or 5 hours later. Food has been difficult. I am Gluten Free and the kids are not. I was 175 now down to 160. I just bought the mmslp book with my new amazon account on kindle. Yesterday I worked a 15. And got home and video taped the whole house for the lawyer. Tonight I get to see the kids for a little bit before bed. Then I get to shovel. and do some laundry for the kids!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

On a good note she hasn't called or text me since last night. first time she has not called me or text me since she started this. Feels good not to her from her and really happy to see my kids. Have not seen them since Friday!


----------



## LongWalk

She is still very mixed up, right? Listening to her is understandably stressful since she is dumping her crap on you in some form or another.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I hate my stbxw. I teach the youngest to roller blade in the house with his sisters roller blades. Yep you guessed it she goes out and buys his a set, so she gets to be the good guy! What do you mean long walk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Yes she is messed up my mom just told me the youngest will be at daycare all day because her and her toxic friend are doing something. Life over kids right! She has seen them for about 8 hours since Thursday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So just get two phone calls and two texts in four minutes. Saying she is going to stay at the house. She hasn't stayed here in a week. She says please don't turn on the alarm and then text back I know you can hear your phone just let me know that the alarm is not on with a happy face. Who the f is this women leave me alone! Let me move on! Don't worry 180 silent! I'm learning only way to move on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

She's all over the place.


----------



## BobSimmons

Wait. Why can she just turn up when she wants? You tell her no, she's not coming tonight, and schedule when she can come. On your time.

You're too much of a doormat 3kids. Stop being so eager. You've made a lot of progress, but you need to be much firmer with her, everything is on her schedule, you're almost a glorified maid, taking care of the kids while she goes out and sleeps away from home and comes back when OM is either busy or whatever.


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## 3kidsforlife

Bob I have put my foot down on the kids stuff, told her to do the laundry and dishes but nothing. She did not turn up last night. She just wanted me to break NC. She has a key and knows the alarm key number. I need to be there for my kids if this women is not going to be. How does a guy act when she is around she might be at the house today when I get home?


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## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> And how do I get her to hit ROCK BOTTOM?


This has got to be the single most codependent statement I have ever read on TAM. Get the book I suggested.

Go see a Dr. and get some anxiety medicine so you can eat and sleep.


----------



## U.E. McGill

Change the codes and locks as soon as you legally can.

As far as the work schedule, tell her "here's what I'm going to do. Xyz. No response from you is agreement."

Then go silent. I think sometimes she knows you're silent. So she uses the kids to break it. Flip that. Only communication should be direct about the kids. Otherwise even the tiniest peep gets ignored.


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## 3kidsforlife

GP you are right. I think the whole problem has been that I have not been able to talk to my lawyer. I just haven't relized that it is over till know. When I had to look up her number to call her to set a meeting for the first time. This stbxw is playing all these games with my head and have not been able to focus at all. Thank you all! I will need you all in the future!


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## GutPunch

Anybody have a link to Synthetic's Let Her Go post?


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## 3putt

GutPunch said:


> Anybody have a link to Synthetic's Let Her Go post?


Do you mean morituri?



morituri said:


> I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
> 
> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
> let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
> 
> Nothing else works better or quicker.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse,
> and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
> wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> And for your last point,
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them._


----------



## 3kidsforlife

That is awesome! Start living my life! Let go! Funny, she must want to hear my voice because I have ignored all her phone calls this morning and she has to call me at work to do that. To tell me that the youngest will be at daycare. I said ok and hung up! This stbxw if messed up.


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## 3kidsforlife

Meeting lawyer tomorrow at 11:30am. What are some great ?'s to ask?


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## LongWalk

This is brilliant:


> You agree with their feelings. They want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic.


Imagine a BS saying to the cheater is a calm voice:

"You're in love. And the other person wants to be with you. That's awesome for you. You should be together with him (her). I wish you happiness. Good luck. So long. I have to go to work early tomorrow. Good night."


----------



## vellocet

3kidsforlife said:


> Meeting lawyer tomorrow at 11:30am. What are some great ?'s to ask?


Tell your attorney, if alimony is brought up by her attorney that you will NOT agree to it and have your attorney stand firm. Don't even let them use taking alimony off the table as a bargaining chip to gain more money in other areas, like retirement.

Ask your attorney about whoever getting the house needing to pay the other half the equity in it and how that can be negotiated. Ask about quit claim deeds on the house.

And unless you have some evidence of drug use, or something equally damaging, or your stbXwife gives you 50/50 with no child support, I wouldn't worry too much about getting custody. You're the father, you will lose. Your wife would have to agree to it and something tells me she won't. But you can see.

But that doesn't mean you can't get joint custody. All that means is you have a say in how they are raised. Its also suppose to be a way to keep her from moving the kids too far away from you, but in my experience, that really doesn't do anything. If she gets custody and wants to move, she can. Sucks to be a father divorcing a cheating wife doesn't it? There is no justice. You just do what you have to do and hope for the best.


----------



## turnera

Tell him you want your children at least 50% of the time, no matter what.


----------



## tdwal

vellocet said:


> Tell your attorney, if alimony is brought up by her attorney that you will NOT agree to it and have your attorney stand firm. Don't even let them use taking alimony off the table as a bargaining chip to gain more money in other areas, like retirement.
> 
> Ask your attorney about whoever getting the house needing to pay the other half the equity in it and how that can be negotiated. Ask about quit claim deeds on the house.
> 
> And unless you have some evidence of drug use, or something equally damaging, or your stbXwife gives you 50/50 with no child support, I wouldn't worry too much about getting custody. You're the father, you will lose. Your wife would have to agree to it and something tells me she won't. But you can see.
> 
> But that doesn't mean you can't get joint custody. All that means is you have a say in how they are raised. Its also suppose to be a way to keep her from moving the kids too far away from you, but in my experience, that really doesn't do anything. If she gets custody and wants to move, she can. Sucks to be a father divorcing a cheating wife doesn't it? There is no justice. You just do what you have to do and hope for the best.


In Minnesota its almost always Mother gets primary legal custody and 50/50 of physical custody unless one of the spouses have a drug, alcohol problem or is a sex offender.


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## 3kidsforlife

So I'm getting pretty good at this 180 and NC. I was doing homework with the kids and she walked In. I didn't even look at her! I continued with the kids. She starts getting ready for work and TELLS me to come here. I do not listen to her and continue with the kids. I tell the kids what we are going to do tonight. (I have decided to stay close to her brother.). So I said we might go over there and see his new puppy. Couple of minutes she says don't turn on the alarm. And I say it will be on at 11:00pm and you know the code. She actually yelled at me with the kids there. WOW!!! She said I can't even get here by that time from work. I kept my calm and said fine it will be on at 11:15pm. She was pissed. Gave the kids hugs and kisses and walked out. Is this what you guys mean by everything. I just thought during this how much pain she is putting us through. Stayed calm and didn't react at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

GP I love that post today it really hit home! I am done feeling hurt! During her little outburst I just said to my self this person is taking my kids half of the time away from me. So It didn't hurt so bad. It must really hurt her to see me moving on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet

She can't stand the fact that you aren't her lapdog and has you jumping when she says so. Well done. Keep it up. Let her know she doesn't control sh*t.

Oh, and not that it would probably make a bit of difference since you are the man, but document when she does things like yells at you in front of the kids with dates and times.
Again, probably won't do any good, but if you decide to fight for custody, then you need all the help you can get. She could F 50 guys in your bed and you'd still have 2 strikes against you.


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## 3kidsforlife

I hate it when my kids ask me where are they going to live! They shouldn't have to worry about stuff like that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

You're doing better and better. Are you seeing your WW more and more as an immature person struggling to be a self fulfillment but worried that she failing? By standing up to her and refusing to collapse you are the strength she missed in your marriage. It is uncertain where she will land. You cannot catch and break her fall anymore than you could cushion a novice paraglider's first solo landing. And if do run to the right spot, your probable reward will be a kick in the teeth.

Document her poor parenting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> GP I love that post today it really hit home! I am done feeling hurt! During her little outburst I just said to my self this person is taking my kids half of the time away from me. So It didn't hurt so bad. It must really hurt her to see me moving on with my life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once you realize that morituri's post is the best option, stay out of the drama triangle and perfect the 180 your life will slowly get better. Seen it time after time on TAM.

Focus on you....forget her.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

GP I did that! Then She walked in the door last night and I said Im going to bed! She said we need to talk about the kid schedule. I said fine. Then she went in to how im acting so childish by not talking to her and every thing. How she has notes on me and what I said to the kids. I said don't say that I have not said anything to the kids. Here she was talking about material things. Not bad things. Then I slipped and said I to have a journal (bad) and she has put all the bills on me. That is childish. I did stay calm through out all of this. She put all the blame on me for every thing including her family not liking her and her not being able to be the good mother. Then she started crying really hard! Of course I felt bad! Which I should have not. That is when I told her lets be civil for the kids! Then I told her that I want her to be happy and she can move on in life and be without me in her life. Just like the quote said. That is when she really got upset and started crying really really hard. I am going to bed and walked away. She then jumped into the same bed with me with clothes on and said this is my bed to. I said you need to leave because if the kids wake up. They will be confused. This is a huge slip up but I honestly believe in your quote. I am letting her go! I want to move on with my LIFE. She just sucks me back in with the kids!


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## 3kidsforlife

This women is in a big spiral!


----------



## GutPunch

3kidsforlife said:


> GP I did that! Then She walked in the door last night and I said Im going to bed! She said we need to talk about the kid schedule. I said fine. Then she went in to how im acting so childish by not talking to her and every thing. How she has notes on me and what I said to the kids. I said don't say that I have not said anything to the kids. Here she was talking about material things. Not bad things. Then I slipped and said I to have a journal (bad) and she has put all the bills on me. That is childish. I did stay calm through out all of this. She put all the blame on me for every thing including her family not liking her and her not being able to be the good mother. Then she started crying really hard! Of course I felt bad! Which I should have not. That is when I told her lets be civil for the kids! Then I told her that I want her to be happy and she can move on in life and be without me in her life. Just like the quote said. That is when she really got upset and started crying really really hard. I am going to bed and walked away. She then jumped into the same bed with me with clothes on and said this is my bed to. I said you need to leave because if the kids wake up. They will be confused. This is a huge slip up but I honestly believe in your quote. I am letting her go! I want to move on with my LIFE. She just sucks me back in with the kids!


You should have said this is not about the kid's schedule and got up and walked away. It's important you stay out of the drama triangle. Somebody post it here as I'm not good at posting links for some reason. 

You are happy....upbeat....and do not discuss relationship period. Kids and finances only. That simple. Don't let her dump her anger on you. That's posom's job now.


----------



## GutPunch

I think ReGroup would ask his wife "Are you done?" and then go back to talking about his D.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I strongly believe that I am moving on. This person is just crazy because she is realizing what she is losing. Move on right GP! You got it buddy that is what I will do!


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## LongWalk

I don't think you have to kick her out of bed. That is an expression of her choosing to try to return to her life with you. You should not embrace her or try to take her clothes off. She has to come to you. But she is not ready to make that leap because of the emotional turmoil.

Just keep on with what you're doing.

Read GP's thread. He survived by making us all laugh.


----------



## Tron

GutPunch said:


> You should have said this is not about the kid's schedule and got up and walked away. It's important you stay out of the drama triangle. Somebody post it here as I'm not good at posting links for some reason.
> 
> You are happy....upbeat....and do not discuss relationship period. Kids and finances only. That simple. Don't let her dump her anger on you. That's posom's job now.


:iagree: with all of this

Here you go 3kids:

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Longwalk I understand that but doesn't she have to understand that her old life is over.


----------



## DoktorFun

LongWalk said:


> I don't think you have to kick her out of bed. That is an expression of her choosing to try to return to her life with you. You should not embrace her or try to take her clothes off. She has to come to you. But she is not ready to make that leap because of the emotional turmoil.
> 
> Just keep on with what you're doing.
> 
> *Read GP's thread. He survived by making us all laugh.*


Can You put the link here? I cant find it.


----------



## DoktorFun

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/63357-time-regroup-move.html

Here it is


----------



## turnera

"Is this about the kids' schedule? No. I'm going to bed."

That's all you had to say. But you just had to put your two cents in. what good did it do?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Nothing you are right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I'm at the law firm and I lock my keys in my car. I guess maybe someone wants legal custody. My lawyer says she's not getting that with the way she is acting. Plus quiting her job and going to part time work. And in and out of the house. Material stuff who cares! She says Minnesota is not a mom state really anymore more about what's best for the kids! And that she says is DAD!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

GutPunch's thread, one of the must reads of TAM


----------



## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> So I'm at the law firm and I lock my keys in my car. I guess maybe someone wants legal custody. My lawyer says she's not getting that with the way she is acting. Plus quiting her job and going to part time work. And in and out of the house. Material stuff who cares! She says Minnesota is not a mom state really anymore more about what's best for the kids! And that she says is DAD!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's right we won custody of my grandson here in MN.


----------



## LongWalk

3kidsforlife said:


> I strongly believe that I am moving on. This person is just crazy because she is realizing what she is losing. Move on right GP! You got it buddy that is what I will do!


She is not crazy because she realizes what she will lose. That is the sane part of her thinking. If her OM is a great guy who is going to replace you as a provider, and on top of that is a sexual artist who is going make magic happen all the time, maybe her choice is not irrational. There is some chance that he is not whomever she imagines him to be.

This sane doubt is also causing some panic.

If you try and live in her head, you will yourself come undone. Better to let her inhabit the chaos by herself.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Long walk you are right I can not figure this out for her or help her! She must be thinking About this Posom kind of she yelled at me last night that he lives in a different state and continent from her. Watch from 50k feet right! Focus on me and my kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill

Let her fall. No soft landing. As long as it does not destroy your kids. 

She is being humbled by her decisions. After she recovers, if you still want her, analyze that then.

As for now continue the 180. You are doing good... finally.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I don't think she is falling yet! Maybe coming out of the fog a little! Keep to the 180 and better myself. Let her take care of herself. Plus I don't think this one wants to come back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

3kidsforlife said:


> Long walk you are right I can not figure this out for her or help her! She must be thinking About this Posom kind of she yelled at me last night that he lives in a *different state and continent *from her. Watch from 50k feet right! Focus on me and my kids!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And continent??? Wow, he has moved farther away.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Yes that is what she said! I thought it was pretty funny myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Great I go Face book tonight to see what some friends were doing and yep she's all over it. She hasn't been on there in a month. Worst thing is her profile picture is our big happy family! Man she makes me sick!!!!! At least change your picture so people stop thinking your with me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BobSimmons

3kidsforlife said:


> Great I go Face book tonight to see what some friends were doing and yep she's all over it. She hasn't been on there in a month. Worst thing is her profile picture is our big happy family! Man she makes me sick!!!!! At least change your picture so people stop thinking your with me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Facebook stalking is not moving on. The fact you know she hasn't been on in a month..


----------



## 3kidsforlife

That is not what I meant. I go on there a couple of times a day so yes I would see if she was on there. Trust me I am not stalking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

You guys would happy with me. She came home last night and woke me and said we need to talk about the kid schedule. I said fine and I told her that the 2-2-5 schedule would work for me. She argues and said that's not what I am thinking now and she wants to talk to her lawyer. I said I am not fighting and tell her I am taking the kids this weekend and walk away and go back to sleep. She tried to call me back but I ignored her! I think this women is trying to change her game in midstream.


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## turnera

No, she's just trying to get you back under control.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Turnera how do I get her to accept the kids schedule. The lawyer said it is up to us to figure that out?


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> Turnera how do I get her to accept the kids schedule. The lawyer said it is up to us to figure that out?


There is no magic recipe. It is something that the two of you need to work out. You could try the mind games, but honestly I bet as long as you have come up with the schedule she will never be happy with it, she needs to think it is all her invention and scheduling at play.


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> You guys would happy with me. She came home last night and woke me and said we need to talk about the kid schedule. I said fine and I told her that the 2-2-5 schedule would work for me. She argues and said that's not what I am thinking now and she wants to talk to her lawyer. I said I am not fighting and tell her I am taking the kids this weekend and walk away and go back to sleep. She tried to call me back but I ignored her! I think this women is trying to change her game in midstream.


I think you diid fine, but remember that you are doing this for you, and your family and need to realize you need to do what is best for that group and not trying to please another person or group, be it her or us.

You need to do things so you and your family are happy. If you come here to report the latest happenings, do it matter of factly and not seeking acceptance or validation. You need to be doing things for you and your happiness and not the approval and pleasing of others. If others don't like it, so be it. It is your life, your bills, and no one is going to step forward and help out with them when suggestion fail for you or turn matters worse. Just food for thought.


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## turnera

You will just have to prove to her that you will be rational, but you will NOT agree to less than 50/50. 

When I was raising DD23, I did that. I flat out told her don't expect me to budge on A, B, or C. These are non-negotiable items (like no lying, no drugs, no ditching school). I told her I would listen to rational arguments about other things she wanted, but A, B, and C were NOT going to be negotiated. 

And she never tried, because she knew I was telling the truth.

I sense that your wife doesn't believe you will take a stand on anything, that you will cave just like you always have. Your job is to convince her otherwise. Control your mouth, stop engaging in discussions that have no point, keep stressing your A, B, and C, and ask her what else she wants to try to negotiate, because A, B, and C will NOT be negotiated.


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## 3kidsforlife

Your thoughts, She says it does not work out with her job schedule and we will have to have each two weekends in a row with the kids for March. Do you think that is fair? I do not! She is getting very pissed off that I will not move on this. I am not trying to piss her off. She is just holding me up on my work schedule for me and my workers! On a bright note my insurance paid for the lock smith. And I am really excited for this weekend with old friends and a really old girl friend and my kids!


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## Squeakr

You have a work schedule to deal with as well, and she doesn't seem to be taking that into account. Demand to see her work schedule to prove why she is saying. If she can't produce it or won't then negotiations are definitely off the table. Her demands are also removing time from you with the kids, so take that into account by having 2 weekends without them. She made all the choices up to this point and now it is your turn to stand your ground. She is living with Mom now, right? so she has very little bills and you have to look out for you and your family. If she has no bills then she is only earning money for funding her A, view it like that. Heck might do a bill analysis and then you can see whom has what left over after bills are paid and petition her for CS possibly??


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## turnera

If you need that time to work with your job, then you need that time. Stand firm.


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## Squeakr

Like Turnera said. Become the "prove it to me" man. You have trusted and believed her long enough, from now on make everything proven. Tell her no negotiations without the correct and necessary proof. The proposed plan is fair and equitable (and that is really what a judge will want is fair and equitable) and if she thinks it is not, then she needs to prove otherwise, through a work commitment and not because she has a special plan in mind for the 3rd weekend in March, so you need to take the kids then demand.


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## missthelove2013

3kidsforlife said:


> For the first time since this started tonight I believe I was doing the 180 correct! I said hello and how is it going. From there she told me about her schooling problems and the kids and I just listened while I put away groceries that I bought at lunch. She continued to talk normal and about how we would split the upcoming time with the kids. I asked if I could lock the doors every night she said yes. She stopped on her way out of the garage and called for me and asked me to look at her oil dipstick in her hands to see if she was reading it right. I said it was low and pointed to the oil on the shelf. She asked where it went and I pointed it to her. She tried to hand me the quarts and I just walked away and asked if there was anything else and we said good night. Even if I want tell her off I have to start to be civil to gain her trust to get my kids half the time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read this 1o times and at NO POINT did I even see a glimpse of the 180

Had my wife asked me to check her dipstick I would have said "im not a mechanic, have the dipstick look at it for you" and walked away

you dont ask someone how they are doing if your doing the 180...when they start *****ing about their problems you WALK AWAY silently...making it damn well known you dont give a ****...your 180 lent her a sympathetic ear, showed concern for her, AND you helped her with her car...you did a 360...

jeezus

I have to ask with all sincerity...what country are you from? Is English your first language?? And if so, do you have learning disabilities or other issues...again I am sincere, NOT trying to flame you or insult you...I just cant believe what Ive read so far..I am afraid to finish this thread...


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## missthelove2013

3kidsforlife said:


> I understand what you guys are saying. What I did was more like a carrot not the stick. This morning she called me to ask if my mom could watch the little one so she could do some shopping and she let it slip talk to her lawyer. I said I don't think she would with the snow coming. I then called my mom to tell her that she is not to watch the little one no matter what. No way is she going to use my family to go talk to her lawyer!


finally

jesus ****ing christ 

finally


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## missthelove2013

3kidsforlife said:


> To late we have a blizzard her in Minnesota and she got stuck in her moms drive way and she said she could not be there in the morning for the kids if I didn't come pull her out. I told her to call her family and her friend and she said they wouldn't. So I got in my truck and tryed to pull her out and got stuck my self. I called her brother now he is on his way to get me out. I must have some bad stuff in my life cause this karma is killing me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


did she have YOUR kids in the car?
If not, shes on her own...tell her to call the om...


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## missthelove2013

3kidsforlife said:


> To late we have a blizzard her in Minnesota and she got stuck in her moms drive way and she said she could not be there in the morning for the kids if I didn't come pull her out. I told her to call her family and her friend and she said they wouldn't. So I got in my truck and tryed to pull her out and got stuck my self. I called her brother now he is on his way to get me out. I must have some bad stuff in my life cause this karma is killing me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


did she have your kids in the car

if NOT, shes on her own

have om come pull her out

your still doing husband duties for this cheater...


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## 3kidsforlife

Miss you are correct! What was I thinking!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Did I mention this weekend is free! Food, lodge, everything it's some fancy law firms cabin to bad the weather is going to suck. You know what makes me really mad is that this free loader comes here and eats mine and the kids food for free and nothing I can do about it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Who cares? You and the kids will be having a blast! Remember that kids want memories with their parents, nothing more.


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## 3kidsforlife

Your right even if only half the memories are with me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

All the ones that count!


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## 3kidsforlife

Squeakr back to your early post yes she moving out this weekend. If it is for work should I accept. It's a hard choice because I know how i would feel. Plus she hates me taking the kids this weekend. That's awesome!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Pay a friend of yours to babysit the house while she is there. Have that friend bring the locksmith in to change the locks.


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## 3kidsforlife

Doesn't matter on the locks because I have to have a spare for the oldest two to get in the house. They would just tell her where it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Ok I am seriously trying to stay out of the drama but she is playing a mean game! I picked up my youngest last at BIL and she had the oldest 2 shopping. I had fell asleep with the youngest and she came home at 9:20pm with the other two. I gave them hugs and said my goodnights. She came into one of there rooms and said she was leaving and I told her that I was putting the alarm on at 11:15pm. At 1:20am she starts calling my self and the house phone. Then proceeds to ring the doorbell until I come and unlock it. Stupidly I lock it again and point at her and say get out.(dumb) I was on her level at that time. So I finally unlock it and go to bed! She says you are not being civil and I say I am protecting my kids. I tell her why didn't you just go to your moms and she I am staying here. Then she wants me to go smoke with her! I said no and went to sleep. This is driving me nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Chaparral

She came in at 1:20am, had she been out drinking?


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## 3kidsforlife

I don't know! I didn't get close enough.


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## U.E. McGill

2 things. 

I think since she lives there legally you have to deal with her. 

In addition to adding new locks, put a coded door lock on. Each kid gets the code. This way you don't have to have a spare. She doesn't want to accept the new boundaries you have. It's not if, but when she'll let herself in. At least you can change codes. 

Finally, as a previous poster said, you engage her too much. Yes, no answers. Maybe clarification. When she stars to say to you "your not being civil" that's a direct manipulation. It's intended to make you feel guilty for your actions and distract from the real issue. Next time she try's something like that put it right back at her. 

"Yeah, I can see how you think that". 

"You know you're probably right, that doesn't look too civil? But I said I was locking the doors at x o'clock". 

"It must have sucked being locked out"

See how I don't really give her anything? I just kind of FOG her. 

But and here's the big point, you don't need to work to a solution. Just say to her the first line and walk away. Once she's out of your house, you need full 180.


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## 3kidsforlife

Feel like a huge pu$$y right now! I had a phone call with her about kid schedule and it is pretty fair. We talked about her moving out this weekend and what stuff she could take and not. Going over a list tonight. Some kids clothes coffee kurig and some art and frames not pictures, computer for her school stuff like that. Then she gets into last night and if I want to be like that she will stay at the house(witch I do not want). I said fine, she said you can not control my life and I said I don't care about your life! She says I know you don't and starts crying really hard and says I have to go and hangs up! I know I should not care because of what this women is doing to me and every thing. But it still hurts to hear her cry. I know I am not total there yet but have made huge steps towards not caring about her! I have to focus on me and my kids! But It did hurt to hear her cry!


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## happi_g_more2

3kidsforlife said:


> Feel like a huge pu$$y right now! I had a phone call with her about kid schedule and it is pretty fair. We talked about her moving out this weekend and what stuff she could take and not. Going over a list tonight. Some kids clothes coffee kurig and some art and frames not pictures, computer for her school stuff like that. Then she gets into last night and if I want to be like that she will stay at the house(witch I do not want). I said fine, she said you can not control my life and I said I don't care about your life! She says I know you don't and starts crying really hard and says I have to go and hangs up! I know I should not care because of what this women is doing to me and every thing. But it still hurts to hear her cry. I know I am not total there yet but have made huge steps towards not caring about her! I have to focus on me and my kids! But It did hurt to hear her cry!


Why would you feel like a pu$$Y for that. I think its rad. She is a bit&$ and you made her cry. Awesome.


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## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> She says I know you don't and starts crying really hard and says I have to go and hangs up! I know I should not care because of what this women is doing to me and every thing. But it still hurts to hear her cry.


There you go.... right here! SHE KNOWS IT MAKES YOU HURT FEEL BAD! it's some sort of twisted game she playes...


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## Squeakr

happi_g_more2 said:


> Why would you feel like a pu$$Y for that. I think its rad. She is a bit&$ and you made her cry. Awesome.


Probably because he made her cry and it is hurting him to see her hurt. I know the feeling that you are soft and the lowest of low "beta" males out there because you still care!! Ugh!!


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## 3kidsforlife

Squeakr, thanks I knew you would understand. This next month is going to be really hard on me and the kids! I don't care but I do! Longwalk also always says something to better understand the way I'm feeling!


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> Squeakr, thanks I knew you would understand.


Why? What have you heard? Have you been talking to my wife and heard the stories she tells about me too??







:smthumbup::rofl:


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## 3kidsforlife

Thats awesome! That made me laugh! Thanks needed that! Is that the first wife or second?


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## Squeakr

First, (probably the last and only one at this point). Losing my faith in humanity.


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## LongWalk

Smoking? The two of your smoke?

Here is an opportunity to gain control. Quit smoking completely. No nicotine gum, nothing. It is hard for a week and after that you will be able to control the urge with less effort. You must run or do some hard exercise for an hour a day to get endorphins flowing. You will feel better mentally.

Do not tell her that you have quit. It is a major improvement in your life for you, not for her. When she does notice she will be impressed. Your kids will also really approve of the move. They will be very proud of you.

Remember your co-dependency with your WW is sort of like an addiction. By licking your nicotine addiction you will feel stronger in handling her manipulation.


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## 3kidsforlife

Longwalk back in November when my dad died was the first time since I started I really thought of stopping. From 12 years old to 35 never even thought about it! Squeakr and Longwalk what are your stories. If you can share?


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## Squeakr

Briefly, as never started my own thread and don't want to jack yours. WW of 14 years was discovered by me having multiple A's a few years ago. Don't have the full story (will we ever) but appears that as time goes on she may have been doing it the entire marriage (EA at least, and PA for 2 years around 11 year mark, all exposed and done now, but still not sure on R or D). I have been with her for 20 years and married 15.5 with 2 girls 11(almost 12) and 13, and hating my life right about now. She ruined my reputation and defeated what little self esteem I had, and now I am trying to get some counseling and decide where to go from there. Lately D is looking like the way out but finances aren't affording it, as in my state you can't even file until separated for 1 year, so that means completely different residences that our incomes have issue with at this time. I feel no love and remorse, so it is a struggle most days.


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## 3kidsforlife

Holy cow she did the dishes and laundry. Even mine! She said is sick of me treating her like a child and I shouldn't hate her. Ha ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Tell her you were her rock for ____ years. Now tell it to your new rock.


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## turnera

Amazing the changes that come once you stand up for yourself.


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## 3kidsforlife

Any body ever feel like they are in a bad dream! She is trying to get to me right know she is packing her thing with the kids here and is having them pack some toys like its a sleep over. Maybe I'm just dumb and this how you all did it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

We'll she has started moving out and she is being fair only taking thing that were given as gifts. Everything can be replaced including her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

How did you guys handle have half your crap walking out the door?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> We'll she has started moving out and she is being fair only taking thing that were given as gifts. *Everything can be replaced including her!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::lol::lol:

We know it's tough, but you're holding up good right now. SHow her NO EMOTION. Fake it 'till you make on the indifference, if you have to.

Try not to look p!ssed, hurt, or any other negative emotions. Be straight faced, or even smile if she says something that p!sses you off.

You'll get through this.


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## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> How did you guys handle have half your crap walking out the door?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Planned obsolescence! Now it's time to upgrade. Nicer things, better woman!


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## 3kidsforlife

I just hope after this weekend I don't come home to an empty house! ha ha I have call the lawyer to today because she thinks that every thing gets split up now and I said no it doesn't. Like picture frames and wall hanging stuff and movies and kids stuff. Before I went to bed she decides she wants to talk about relationship. So I listen! She tells me that this guy that I am now that's has friends and is doing stuff should have been the guy two years ago. I simple said I am moving on and you should to! She was upset that lately I was being so controlling and I say I am sorry you feel like that. She asks why I was so crazy (180 should have stuck to it right away) at the beginning and I stated it was because I was hurt by the actions you caused me as a person. I don't know why she wanted to talk and I don't care. I need to figure out me and let go even more and have NC and be there for my kids. Adhere to the 180! This women is never going to come back to me and I have to accept that! I think having NC will let me move on even more!


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## 3kidsforlife

When she was boxing up her stuff last night I started moving around my stuff and I need some new shirts WOW. What does a single guy wear now a days. I am a big sports guy. The clothes I did like where American Eagle and Aeropostal. But they have gone to that skinny guy look. Any good websites for clothes for guys in there mid-thirtys?


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## turnera

button down shirts in nice, different fabric, with the sleeves rolled up. Doesn't matter who they're from if you do that.


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## missthelove2013

3kidsforlife said:


> How did you guys handle have half your crap walking out the door?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you answered your own question

its crap...its just stuff

she is doing the spring cleaning for you

now you can go and get new better crap (stuff)

and you can date women who deserve you...and take them home and show them your new crap


its crap...let her have it...you have your health, your kids, a job, and a place to live...let her take 1/2 the crap


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## LongWalk

Good job!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Ok kind of pissed off right now! Mother in law just stopped into my store to pay me for her phone and buy something from me and yesterday the stbxw and her text me to ask if they could use my truck to move some things. Of course I said no and to ask some one else. I said sorry about that (of the truck use) and stated would you ask your ex-husband to do that! You know what she said " Yes I would, we get along great." Bull f crap thats why you dont like going to the same dang family parties as him an so on and so forth! Lie Lie Lie piss me off Have a great life ex-family in law. Talk about wreck a guys day!


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## 3kidsforlife

You and your daughter belong together! Glad the rest of your family is not like you two!


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## 3kidsforlife

Sorry about the rant. Blood is thicker than water. It just made me mad how she said it all smug. And from what her daughter says she is the only one that agrees with what she is doing. We'll the kids are home in twenty minutes time to make some memories!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedAgain7

Yes blood is thicker than water. Get the mother in law off your phone plan. Cut all ties with her family. 

Clean break is what you need and deserve.


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## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> When she was boxing up her stuff last night I started moving around my stuff and I need some new shirts WOW. What does a single guy wear now a days. I am a big sports guy. The clothes I did like where American Eagle and Aeropostal. But they have gone to that skinny guy look. Any good websites for clothes for guys in there mid-thirtys?



Zappos.com. They have a whole page of "looks". Whole outfits picked out. All you have to do is pick the look, click size and buy.


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## 3kidsforlife

We'll today we get to go home and I get to see what is left of my house. I am kind of sad because as of 6:00 pm tonight I don't get to see my kids until Thursday night. The NC is going well I haven't talk to her since Friday morning. I am really sad because this is not how I thought I would see my life! I miss her a little but my old life more!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> We'll today we get to go home and I get to see what is left of my house. I am kind of sad because as of 6:00 pm tonight I don't get to see my kids until Thursday night. The NC is going well I haven't talk to her since Friday morning. I am really sad because this is not how I thought I would see my life! I miss her a little but my old life more!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're like me and most here that miss the thought and fantasy of your old life. What you thought was a good life, she had an entirely different idea of what your life was and in reality only one of you was content and somewhat happy/ satisfied with that life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Did you guys have fun?


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## 3kidsforlife

Funny, I get home and she is packing all her stuff into her car all by her self. Must be lonely having to do it by yourself! Ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

I am 55, divorced with two teenage daughters. You can read my thread if yoy are bored. 

You are doing a good job, getting control of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy

Is she taking the kids when done packing? If yes, say your goodbyes to them and take off before she does. Go anywhere, just don't stay home. Sends the massage that your OK and moving on!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Tob you are right have a ton to do. Plus she said she was coming back to pack some of the kids stuff and clothes to bad we already had plans. Ha ha this my time with them not hers she had all weekend to do this stuff!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

What do you guys do about the kids oldest has a phone and middle has an ipod both with text message. I sure would like to say good night to them every night. What is your advise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Turnera yes we had fun, even took the oldest to his first date!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> What do you guys do about the kids oldest has a phone and middle has an ipod both with text message. I sure would like to say good night to them every night. What is your advise?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely! By any means keep in contact and let them know they can call or text you whenever. Keep all talk or text about them. Nothing about your WW or your sitch!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nucking Futs

Tobyboy said:


> Definitely! By any means keep in contact and let them know they can call or text you whenever. *Keep all talk or text about them. Nothing about your WW or your sitch!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Every single step in this is like a game! She does one thing I have to do two things. What I mean is when I got home she decided that she wanted to change to kids schedule to fit her needs. I being me said that is not we had talked about. Argue argue argue I say fine than if that's the way you want it, by your rules I get the kids tonight and you don't(childish). She starts walking around the house crying and now kids are looking me asking why mom is crying. I take the kids and go to the gym and play and have fun. Get phone call from her mommy yelling at me! I stop her and calm your jets women and tell her both sides of the story. Stbxw calls back and we compromise and I get kids tonight. In comes the daughter And she says she misses mommy. I feel like a giant jerk because I didn't think about what the kids even wanted and was being selfish and only thinking about me. So I call the stbxw back and tell her how it's going to be and make the kids happy she said thank you and I hung up. I drop off the kids and give hugs and kisses. Start to walk out and she asks what the oldest practice schedule is and I ask why don't you know it's been hanging on the fridge for two months! She yells at me and I say fine and tell her. Fast forward I send texts to the kids saying I love you. Hour later when there suppose to be in bed I get a phone call from the kids to say they love me and hang up. Turns out she probably made the phone call because she called right back to say she was sorry and wanted to know the kids sports schedule I said what it is and said good night! I just had to put it down on something tonight kind of made me think tonight! Just feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle some days!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Rough day.


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## turnera

3kids, do me a favor and break up your text into paragraphs, ok? Just hit a few returns, so it's easier to read.


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## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> Every single step in this is like a game! She does one thing I have to do two things. What I mean is when I got home she decided that she wanted to change to kids schedule to fit her needs. I being me said that is not we had talked about. Argue argue argue I say fine than if that's the way you want it, by your rules I get the kids tonight and you don't(childish). She starts walking around the house crying and now kids are looking me asking why mom is crying. I take the kids and go to the gym and play and have fun. Get phone call from her mommy yelling at me! I stop her and calm your jets women and tell her both sides of the story. Stbxw calls back and we compromise and I get kids tonight. In comes the daughter And she says she misses mommy. I feel like a giant jerk because I didn't think about what the kids even wanted and was being selfish and only thinking about me. So I call the stbxw back and tell her how it's going to be and make the kids happy she said thank you and I hung up. I drop off the kids and give hugs and kisses. Start to walk out and she asks what the oldest practice schedule is and I ask why don't you know it's been hanging on the fridge for two months! She yells at me and I say fine and tell her. Fast forward I send texts to the kids saying I love you. Hour later when there suppose to be in bed I get a phone call from the kids to say they love me and hang up. Turns out she probably made the phone call because she called right back to say she was sorry and wanted to know the kids sports schedule I said what it is and said good night! I just had to put it down on something tonight kind of made me think tonight! Just feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle some days!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Go read "when I say no I feel guilty". It's a great book and will help you tremendously. 

You're still engaging too much. 

She asks "what's the kids schedule?" Send it or tell her she has it. I have an iPhone, there really isn't any document I can't send a pic of. 

When SBXMIL calls you say "I don't feel at liberty discussing personal maters with someone I will soon have no legal relation too."

When she uses the kids to get to you, don't let her. Even if she say "I'm sorry. I need to know the kids sports schedule"

Your answer should be as simple as "I can see why you're sorry. I'll send it, good night" then Click!

See how I was still civil, yet didn't play her game? It's perfectly acceptable to just keep repeating these over and over. Polite, but unengaged.


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## Squeakr

U.E. McGill said:


> Go read "when I say no I feel guilty". It's a great book and will help you tremendously.
> 
> You're still engaging too much.
> 
> She asks "what's the kids schedule?" Send it or tell her she has it. I have an iPhone, there really isn't any document I can't send a pic of.
> 
> When SBXMIL calls you say "I don't feel at liberty discussing personal maters with someone I will soon have no legal relation too."
> 
> When she uses the kids to get to you, don't let her. Even if she say "I'm sorry. I need to know the kids sports schedule"
> 
> Your answer should be as simple as "I can see why you're sorry. I'll send it, good night" then Click!
> 
> See how I was still civil, yet didn't play her game? It's perfectly acceptable to just keep repeating these over and over. Polite, but unengaged.


:iagree: and think this is great advice. Also remember that you need to do what is best for you and your family, and sometimes it is NOT going to include her, no matter how much the kids miss or want her involved. You need to draw the line and get used to the sadness that will accompany such things, as you can't always involve her or give in because the kids miss her.

If you do not draw that line, you will have less time with your kids and you will be giving up your time with them, as she isn't going to give in for you during her visits with the kids and shares a special motherly bond with the kids that unfortunately you will never have (but you can make your own special bond with the kids). She will not bring them back early on her days because they miss daddy, and will stick her ground that the dates were agreed upon and you "chose" to drop them off early so that doesn't mean she is "obligated" to do the same (and you can almost bet she won't, if nothing more than to get back at you).


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## turnera

Yeah, aside from this instance, which was a big mess with emotions on both sides, don't get in the habit of taking your kids to their moms' just because they say they miss her. That will screw the kids up even more. Kids don't want, and can't handle, that much power.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Trust me after this I will stick my ground. She is now finding out how hard it was raising the kids when she was not around. Explain NC, it is hard because of the kids and she keeps trying to use them to even just say a quick couple of words to me. Its like she has to hear my voice every single day!


----------



## turnera

You need to set up an electronic calendar, NOW! Tell her that you will NOT use anything else, it's in everyone's best interests, set it up and give her the link to it, do not back down. If she won't use the calendar, exchanges don't happen.


----------



## U.E. McGill

Seriously. Go read that book. I'll give you one example. It's called FOGGING. It's use is intended to throw someone's words back at them by offering agreement without acquiescence. Done with a neutral tone, it can be very powerful. 

"You are being an ässhole since the separation"

"Oh wow, I can see how you think that."

"And another thing, where's this backbone been while we were married!"

"Yeah, doesn't look like one was there, does it"

When confronted with that someone trying to bait you quickly runs out of steam. 

Quite frankly your best option is to hang up. If she baits you with "kid info" but launches into "what's wrong with you". Click. ZERO TOLERANCE.


----------



## carmen ohio

3kidsforlife said:


> *Trust me after this I will stick my ground.* She is now finding out how hard it was raising the kids when she was not around. Explain NC, it is hard because of the kids and she keeps trying to use them to even just say a quick couple of words to me. Its like she has to hear my voice every single day!


Really? Wanna bet?

Have you read NMMNG yet?


----------



## WhiteRaven

Thank god I didn't have kids. Jesus does exist.


----------



## nickgtg

WhiteRaven said:


> Thank god I didn't have kids. Jesus does exist.



I'd go through the painful hell of divorce 10 times if it meant I still had my kids. There's nothing in the world that means more to me than my children. I'd end somebody's life over them in a second.

I do understand your point though. I'm lucky that my ex and I are still great friends and get along just fine.


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## 3kidsforlife

Yes I have read the book. I did get what I wanted in the end on the schedule, she just tried to change it but it didn't work. Plus I did drop off at the schedule time. Yes I to would die a thousand times over to be with my kids! The women I have lost is not this women maybe some day she will realize what she has lost but I can't stop my life for her. The hard part is missing my kids! And getting through every day right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> Yes I have read the book. I did get what I wanted in the end on the schedule, she just tried to change it but it didn't work. Plus I did drop off at the schedule time. Yes I to would die a thousand times over to be with my kids! The women I have lost is not this women maybe some day she will realize what she has lost but I can't stop my life for her. The hard part is missing my kids! And getting through every day right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know it's hard. I travel for a living. My advice to you as a former nice guy, and dad of 3 is be the best most centered person you can be. Life should revolve around you. Make choices that are best for you, and only give if you can give freely. 

By putting yourself at the center you make a better life for those all around you, especially your kids. Go have fun, do things with other guys. Go to the gym. These things aren't to forget about them, but make yourself better.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Do you all think that the STBXW feels even once of pain that I feel? It sure doesn't feel like it! How some one can be so selfish is beyond me!


----------



## turnera

Of course not. She's the cheater. It's almost impossible for a cheater to feel the pain. Or they wouldn't have cheated.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: need help with wife emotional affair*



turnera said:


> Of course not. She's the (remorseless) cheater. It's almost impossible for a (remorseless) cheater to feel the pain. Or they wouldn't have cheated.


Fixed that for you.


----------



## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> Do you all think that the STBXW feels even once of pain that I feel? It sure doesn't feel like it! How some one can be so selfish is beyond me!



I absolutely do. This is what the hamster wheel is about. They're normal morals are going "woo-woo-woo. Danger. Danger!!!" So they make up excuses to them selves so they don't feel bad. "Well he's distant. So it's ok to screw someone else". "Well he works too much, I deserve better!"

On and on. If they really felt no remorse they'd be like "heh, I'm going to go bang someone else" and not give a flying f what you thought. 

That's why the 180 can be so effective IMHO. Because somewhere deep down they had a little white angle that was telling them all along "this is wrong"


----------



## Chaparral

Has she brought up the relationship at all? A real relationship with the other man is unlikely given the distance involved. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to talk about reconciling.


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## 3kidsforlife

Chap she did last Thursday. She wanted to talk so I listened. She blamed me for every thing about the marriage. She said she does not want to waste her life or a couple of years trying to fix our marriage if its two years or twelve years. Yes the OM is still there also in her head she knows nothing will come of it but she said they are still "friends".


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## 3kidsforlife

I do have to see her tonight we have kindergarten round up for the little one tonight!


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## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> Chap she did last Thursday. She wanted to talk so I listened. She blamed me for every thing about the marriage. She said she does not want to waste her life or a couple of years trying to fix our marriage if its two years or twelve years. Yes the OM is still there also in her head she knows nothing will come of it but she said they are still "friends".


Until you expose the affair and make it too embarrassing to continue, she will NEVER care about you again.


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## 3kidsforlife

I have done that to family, friends and everyone close. The bad part is even the oldest son knows. He woke up and was listening at the beginning of all of this and told me a about two weeks ago. He then told her last Thursday. He is the greatest son ever! When he told me he said "Dad this guy will never be anything to me". WOW


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## 3kidsforlife

Plus she has not felt the kids pain yet! On Thursday I get them for the next 5 days. Here is a question do I ask the kids if they want to call her or let them ask me to call her?


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## turnera

Have you told everyone that she still contacts him after the exposure?


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## 3kidsforlife

Yes. What about the kids and phone calls?


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> Plus she has not felt the kids pain yet! On Thursday I get them for the next 5 days. Here is a question do I ask the kids if they want to call her or let them ask me to call her?


I personally wouldn't ask them, but let them come to you. Then if she raises a fit, I would say, they never mentioned it, and I didn't feel it was place. 

If she wants a relationship with them, then it is on her and them to make it happen. It is not your place to make them have a relationship with their mother, just don't discourage them against it (which I doubt you will, but some need to be reminded of this).


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## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> Chap she did last Thursday. She wanted to talk so I listened. She blamed me for every thing about the marriage. She said she does not want to waste her life or a couple of years trying to fix our marriage if its two years or twelve years. Yes the OM is still there also in her head she knows nothing will come of it but she said they are still "friends".


This should not surprise you nor should you take it seriously. Cheaters blame their actions on others as a way to live with themselves. Your WW has probably never accepted any responsibility for any of the bad decisions she has made in her life... not just her affair and the destruction of her marriage. 

Losers like her wander through life blaming their problems on others. It's the way she is wired. You cannot fix her, so move on with your life and find a woman with a conscience.


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## 3kidsforlife

To night was fun! I went and seen my daughter practice volleyball. Stbxw came and sat next to me. Which is ok because my little guy came and sat on my lap which made my day! Then went and watched my oldest practice basketball where I made her pay half of a tournament fee, awesome! I went home before the kindergarten thing and who pulls into the drive way, her and the kids. She says she for got the paperwork for him and wanted to two oldest to stay here. I say ok but the paper work is not here you took it with you. She leaves the kids with me, big plus! I missed them!

Me and the little one go to the class room and get set up. I sit by all the friends and she comes in and sits by some old lady she doesn't even know! Haha. I totally alpha male this thing. Looked good and took total control. Felt awesome like my old self. She follows me to my house to get the oldest two and starts bragging about going out to dinner with them. Of course the kids didn't want to leave. They asked what's dad going to do. I said dad has a friend to meet and is late. Perfect timing my phone rings. Even though I didn't have any place to go. I wasn't going to let her know that. So I leave at the same time. I called a couple of friends and nothing so I went and visited my nephews grave and came home. Was a good night all in all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Since I can't legally lock the doors. I keep finding stuff being taken, she has even taken half of the dish washer tabs. WOW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> Since I can't legally lock the doors. I keep finding stuff being taken, she has even taken half of the dish washer tabs. WOW
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:wtf::wtf:


----------



## Chaparral

She has another residence, why can't you change the locks?


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## 3kidsforlife

My lawyer is in court all week so I cant ask her yet. 

Woke up this morning really missing STBXW, don't know why but it was weird. Seeing her last night might be why. She has really toned down how she dresses and is dressing like she use to. Probably why I was missing her reminded me of the old her! She is a very attractive women. I would say she is a 7 and I am a 6 right now.

Talked with an old friend of mine that is just out of a divorce last night and that might be an outlet to get out and do some things.

I don't understand why I don't hate her as much as I should! Fake it till you make it I guess! Both lawyers are really busy and won't be available to talk to each other until next week. More time more time!


----------



## badmemory

3kidsforlife said:


> I don't understand why I don't hate her as much as I should! Fake it till you make it I guess! Both lawyers are really busy and won't be available to talk to each other until next week. More time more time!


You don't need to hate her. Perhaps it's a good sign that you don't; as long as you're not pining for her as well. When you get to the point of indifference, neither hating her or longing for her; you'll know you've reached an important milestone in moving on with your life.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> My lawyer is in court all week so I cant ask her yet.
> 
> Woke up this morning really missing STBXW, don't know why but it was weird. Seeing her last night might be why. She has really toned down how she dresses and is dressing like she use to. Probably why I was missing her reminded me of the old her! She is a very attractive women. I would say she is a 7 and I am a 6 right now.
> 
> Talked with an old friend of mine that is just out of a divorce last night and that might be an outlet to get out and do some things.
> 
> I don't understand why I don't hate her as much as I should! Fake it till you make it I guess! Both lawyers are really busy and won't be available to talk to each other until next week. More time more time!


You may never be able to make yourself "hate" her. I tried for years with my ex and it just wouldn't stick.

Over time you realize that the love is for who she once was. As time goes buy, your feelings for her will lessen. 

You have to remember that the WS has felt different for you for some time now. Where as you still feel the same. Unfortunately we can't just throw a switch to stop caring.

I don't suggest looking for a new woman to help get your stbxw out of your mind. But when you do start seeing someone, letting go of those old feeling will become easier and easier.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So the STBXW liked something on facebook last night. Yes she is still a friend of mine on there because she does post some stuff of the kids that I don't want to miss.

It stated "Sometimes as a parents we make decisions that we think is for the best for our kids... Some may not always agree but I hope one day they can understand or be ok with those decisions. Parenting and raising kids, is one of the most challenging and difficult yet rewarding job out there!"


----------



## turnera

Translation: Don't hate me, y'all, for skipping out on my husband. I did it for the kids.


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## 3kidsforlife

I know I shouldn't try to think about her or live in her head! This must be The Grass is always Greene talk I always hear about! Odd she would post it out there for the hole world to see!


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: need help with wife emotional affair*



3kidsforlife said:


> I know I shouldn't try to think about her or live in her head! This must be The Grass is always Greene talk I always hear about! Odd she would post it out there for the hole world to see!


The grass won't stay green for long since she's p!ssing all over it.


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## tom67

bfree said:


> The grass won't stay green for long since she's p!ssing all over it.


:iagree:


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## 3kidsforlife

What do you mean, she has every thing where she wants it. NC with me, split time with the kids. How does the grass not stay green for her?


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## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> So the STBXW liked something on facebook last night. Yes she is still a friend of mine on there because she does post some stuff of the kids that I don't want to miss.
> 
> 
> 
> It stated "Sometimes as a parents we make decisions that we think is for the best for our kids... Some may not always agree but I hope one day they can understand or be ok with those decisions. Parenting and raising kids, is one of the most challenging and difficult yet rewarding job out there!"



Seriously. De-friend her! A post her and there about lil 3kids getting ice cream on their face is not worth the aggravation. 

You knew it the moment you posted it because you defended it right off. CUT THAT BÎTCH OUT OF YOUR LIFE! This is yet another avenue of manipulation for her.


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> What do you mean, she has every thing where she wants it. NC with me, split time with the kids. How does the grass not stay green for her?


It costs money to sunshine, water, fertilize, and care for it to keep it lush and green, without those things it will wither, turn brown, and die!!


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## 3kidsforlife

Squeakr what, I'm sorry I just read black and white. What are you talking about? Ha Ha


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## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> Squeakr what, I'm sorry I just read black and white. What are you talking about? Ha Ha


That is how the grass doesn't stay green for her. She doesn't have the funds and availability that she used to so eventually the requirements for maintaining that green grass are going to go away and all that will be left is a brown dead spot that she can't take care of.


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## 3kidsforlife

Squeakr I now understand, she has called me twice today(she hasn't called me in a week). So thought maybe there was a problem with the kid exchange tonight to I called her back. She called me for money on half of daycare and half of health care(health care is just for me and her). She has no money and wont be able to make car payment on time. I say well I can just call and get it repo. 

She says that is not fair and I say I just don't have the money for all the bills and those at this moment. I end by saying please bring there report cards and basketball pictures tonight.


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## Tobyboy

If you must pay for your half of daycare and health insurance, you make the payments and get receipts. Do not give her cash!! 

She does not get the luxury of a two income family anymore. Consequenses for her choices!!!


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## Squeakr

Tobyboy said:


> If you must pay for your half of daycare and health insurance, you make the payments and get receipts. Do not give her cash!!
> 
> She does not get the luxury of a two income family anymore. Consequenses for her choices!!!


:iagree: This and also, is the healthcare not being taken out pretax, or is it a separate policy, as you shouldn't pay half of something that she gets to deduct fully on her taxes. 
Makes sure that the daycare costs are your responsibility as well (if it is something that hasn't been needed before then it shouldn't be your responsibility due to her choices and new living conditions, then make her fight in court for it, don't just hand it over willingly, but don't short change your children either. I look at it this way, if/ when my wife and I split, I will fight not to pay her daycare expenses as I work from home, and have always been around to watch the kids during the day, if because of her stupid choices, I am not going to be shouldered with more burden, unless the courts make me.)


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## 3kidsforlife

Tobyboy nothing has been written in stone yet our lawyers haven't even talked once. I have payd for the kids lunches and after school activities. She hasn't put one cent towards anything lately. I have to say it does make me feel pretty good to her that she is feeling some consequenses.

Plus I get the kids for 5 days! AWESOME! Have stuff planned every day and letting them have some of there life back by having friends over. Great Day!


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> Tobyboy nothing has been written in stone yet our lawyers haven't even talked once. I have payd for the kids lunches and after school activities. She hasn't put one cent towards anything lately. I have to say it does make me feel pretty good to her that she is feeling some consequenses.
> 
> Plus I get the kids for 5 days! AWESOME! Have stuff planned every day and letting them have some of there life back by having friends over. Great Day!


Kool!!!


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> (Edited)*She says that is not fair* and I say I just don't have the money for all the bills and those at this moment.


FAIR!... FAIR!

Oh what I would have said to her.

"YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOT FAIR!"

It looks to me like the crabgrass is already starting to sprout on her newer, greener, "lawn".


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## 3kidsforlife

Yes, I do think she is starting to feel that it is not easy being a mom with three kids and trying to make it on one salary. Nor a father at!

She had to bring the boys phone back later last night. She barely looked at me and did not smile. Live in your awesome life women!

Did I mention a gained 6 pounds back and all muscle! Haven't looked this good in years! If I could just get rid of some of this bell fat you could see my six pack. There is already form there but just excess fat.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> Yes, I do think she is starting to feel that it is not easy being a mom with three kids and trying to make it on one salary. Nor a father at!
> 
> She had to bring the boys phone back later last night. She barely looked at me and did not smile. Live in your awesome life women!
> 
> Did I mention a gained 6 pounds back and all muscle! Haven't looked this good in years! If I could just get rid of some of this bell fat you could see my six pack. There is already form there but just excess fat.


Now this is what I like to see. A BS getting stronger by the day.

Think about it 3kidsforlife. How you were when this all started and how you are right now.

Just imagine how you'll be in 6-12 months, or a couple of years...

I hope that when this starts to become a bad, fading, memory, you can stick around for a while to help others get through it...


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## 3kidsforlife

I now understand what you are all talking about! Don't get me wrong I still want my wife back but I can start to see my self with out her! And I have a lot to offer good looking, great father, and a good guy. Every day is tuff and I haven't even really started the divorce. But I have made it this far and every day has it's challenges! Stronger and more indifferent every day! Plus not seeing her helps forget about her! And hearing she is having problems on the greener side helps a lot! Ha ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carmen ohio

3kidsforlife said:


> Since I can't legally lock the doors. I* keep finding stuff being taken, she has even taken half of the dish washer tabs.* WOW
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> Tobyboy nothing has been written in stone yet *our lawyers haven't even talked once.* I have payd for the kids lunches and after school activities. She hasn't put one cent towards anything lately. I have to say it does make me feel pretty good to her that she is feeling some consequenses.
> 
> Plus I get the kids for 5 days! AWESOME! Have stuff planned every day and letting them have some of there life back by having friends over. Great Day!


3kidsforlife,

Stop being a doormat -- to your WW and to your lawyer.

Tell your WW that she is not to remove anything from your house without your permission or a court order and that, if she does it again, you will file a police report.

Tell your lawyer that you expect better service or you will find a new one. I'm a lawyer and can tell you that the old saying -- the squeaky wheel gets the grease -- applies. As long as you are not asking ridiculous questions, your lawyer should respond to you within 24 hours, even if it's only to say when he/she will be free to speak to you. You are paying of his/her services so he/she owes you this much.

This is all part of the process of building the new and improved you -- healthier, more confident, more active, more interesting and more in control of your life.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Carmen I did call my lawyer after seeing your post. She is available to talk on Monday morning. Then I will be able to change the locks and talk about other questions! You are right I'm be little bit of a doormat but I have been very busy trying to get my life back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

You're doing a good job. Keep at it and she'll soon see that the consequences of her behavior. She still need to reap what she has sown for a while. I suspect your WW may want R at some point. The danger is that she'll want for her sake, not yours.

At the moment she only feels her pain and confusion. She has you read as the winner even when she is dishing out the pain. This could be part of the longer pattern of your relationship.

Does she hate you? If she still has strong feelings about you, she may flip over to love again. Do you think she is indifferent to you?

Taking the dish washer tabs is a strong indicator of how weak she is. A person who was adult in their thinking would be too proud to take soap. Why would you want to think about your stbxh (betrayed husband) everytime you load the dishwasher. What a trigger.

How likely is default on car payments?


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## 3kidsforlife

Long walk how am I the winner? I don't think she hates me yet! I do not know if she is indifferent to me either, I don't talk to her. She is doing a pretty good job at NC. I don't think she will default on the car payment, she wants it in the divorce. The kids say she has big plans on going places with them. Ha ha with what money!!!!

The oldest boy had a basketball tournament today( he was a wrestler last 7 years). They took 3rd out of 18. Which is pretty good since before he joined they never placed at all. The boy is a natural at every sport that he touches. Do you think she would show, nope!

I was thinking on my home with the kids today. You guy must be fortune tellers because every time you talk about some thing it is soon to fallow. Must happen a lot for there to be a pattern. Thanks for being there for me!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

3kidsforlife said:


> Long walk how am I the winner? I don't think she hates me yet! I do not know if she is indifferent to me either, I don't talk to her. She is doing a pretty good job at NC. I don't think she will default on the car payment, she wants it in the divorce. The kids say she has big plans on going places with them. Ha ha with what money!!!!
> 
> *Didn't she ask you to tow her car from the snow? (maybe I have your story mixed up with someone else. But she seems to feel that you have financial order in your life. She does not. In this she sees you as the winner.
> *
> 
> The oldest boy had a basketball tournament today( he was a wrestler last 7 years). They took 3rd out of 18. Which is pretty good since before he joined they never placed at all. The boy is a natural at every sport that he touches. Do you think she would show, nope!
> 
> *Parents who don't care about their kids sports and school are self at least and probably narrcisistic.*
> 
> I was thinking on my home with the kids today. You guy must be fortune tellers because every time you talk about some thing it is soon to fallow. Must happen a lot for there to be a pattern. Thanks for being there for me!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Ok, feeling sad for the kids tonight! First time any of them has asked to call there mom and I let them. I put the kids to bed and my twelve year old son that has rock hard balls. Is curled up with a teddy bear that his mom got him. If there ever was a time that I truly dislike this stbxw it would be now! These poor kids should not have to feel this pain! Not happy! May there pain come back on her ten fold! I don't care what she does to me but they need to not hurt!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Today sucks, I miss my old life and my old wife! I miss talking to her and seeing her. I feel like a big weak man! I think she is over me and I am not totally there yet. She has made no change from her NC. Last night with the kids hurt me pretty bad!

The other BIL called me yesterday. Which was pretty cool because I haven't talked to him in a couple of months. He wanted to have a beer and I said no. Not at this time because of every thing going on. He talked about going camping this summer and I told him we would see. He said they would like to meet up this summer no matter what happens! He sounded pretty upset that he was going to lose a friend over this. I told him maybe in the future but not know, because I did not want to create any anomosity with us.


----------



## tdwal

I curious, why are you shutting her brothers? I would not sever the frendships because of this.


----------



## bandit.45

Just because you are splittng with your WW doesn't necessarily mean you will have to give up friendships with the in-laws. You have been part of their lives for a long time. If your brother in law wants to hang out, then hang out. The dynamic will be a bit different but you two can work it out if you try. It depends on how independent he is from his sister. If he has never let her boss him or push him around, then he should have no issues remaining buds with you. Quit the defeatist mentality where you think you need to give everything away. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I see what you are saying. But every time I have been with the other BIL he asks questions about the divorce. That I am not comfortable with answering. This BIL is married into the family so maybe he will be different. You are right maybe I should try with him. For some reason I have no strength in my head today! Really lonely!


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## bandit.45

That's normal. Each day you'll get stronger. Be patient with yourself. Find hobbies and activities that keep your mind focused away from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

She must really be missing the kids she called them today after school. When she just talked to them last night and she gets them back tomorrow night for the next five days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Are you sleeping? Have you been to your doctor? Maybe go see the doctor and explain your situation and ask him to put you on a mild SSRI mood stabilizer like Zoloft. It will help with the roller coaster you are on right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

No I'm fine just good days and bad. Not looking forward to not having my kids for five days. Some me time wouldn't be bad either I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> No I'm fine just good days and bad. Not looking forward to not having my kids for five days. Some me time wouldn't be bad either I guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Use those days to get some work done around the house....mainly cleansing it of any residue that indicated she ever lived there. Start turning it into your space. Get rid of her pics and anything else that reminds you of her. 

The idea is to get into the mindset that you are moving on. Moping around just adds to your anxiety and drags you down mentally. Get out and do something for yourself. 

Are you excercising, eating right and keeping up your health?


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## 3kidsforlife

I have done all that. It just some nights I have dreams of her then I wake missing her. Living in a big empty house doesn't help either. I just can't see my kids living in a broken up home either. This is going to affect there lives so much! Most of the time I see my future and what could have been now that all has to change and change is hard. Not always a bad thing but hard. Like not being able to play baseball with my son any time I want. And that sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So she just called me tonight and she was crying really hard because she does not have money for any thing. Her car is breaking down. She has no money for to file for the divorce, no money for the bills. She says she is so stressed out she can't take it. She asked if I could fix her car( did I mention I'm kind of a car guy). I just said simply I can't help you. She said why won't you answer your phone. I said if it's important leave a message. It hurts to here her cry, but hel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So she just called me tonight and she was crying really hard because she does not have money for any thing. Her car is breaking down. She has no money for to file for the divorce, no money for the bills. She says she is so stressed out she can't take it. She asked if I could fix her car( did I mention I'm kind of a car guy). I just said simply I can't help you. She said why won't you answer your phone. I said if it's important leave a message. It hurts to here her cry, but helps at the same time. Trust me I don't have the money anyways but she doesn't have to know that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Did I mention kid exchange is in 2 hours!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Just remind her she fired you from that job.


----------



## Luvmyjava

Go read my thread.. I feel your pain, buy I'm getting through it..

You MUST look at your wife as UGLY despised trash. She cheated on you, and kicked you to the curb..I know it hurts, but MUST condition your brain to think that way.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-confessed-how-handle-her-romps-loverboy.html


----------



## 3kidsforlife

It doesn't hurt that bad, it just so sad. She is the one who wanted this! Consequences!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> It doesn't hurt that bad, it just so sad. She is the one who wanted this! Consequences!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly :lol:


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> Just remind her she fired you from that job.


"You fired me, my friends don't stab me in the back so you are not my friend. You are just a person I never really knew that belongs in my rear view mirror now that I know what kind of person you really are. "

Well, that may be a bit much. Maybe, "I don't help people I really don't know."


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Chap you are to funny!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

You could fix her car and install a VAR and GPS... but your already know she is a cheater so why bother.


----------



## Chaparral

Keep the pressure on, cheating ain't easy.


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> It just some nights I have dreams of her then I wake missing her. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Strap on your running shoes and go for a jog around the neighborhood. Listen to some azz-kicking guy music while doing so. Night runs are pleasant and you'll fall asleep quick when you climb back in bed.


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> So she just called me tonight and she was crying really hard because she does not have money for any thing. Her car is breaking down. She has no money for to file for the divorce, no money for the bills. She says she is so stressed out she can't take it. She asked if I could fix her car( did I mention I'm kind of a car guy). *I just said simply I can't help you.* She said why won't you answer your phone. I said if it's important leave a message. It hurts to here her cry, but hel
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Beautiful. 

Boo...fvcking...hoo....

Like the others said....she fired you as her husband. No more marital perks for her. Tell her to call her stud lover next time and mooch money off him.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Your all awesome! Bandit already got my work out planned a little cold and muddy for a run, 32 degrees! Do these people just finally just break down mentally. She is going to trade her hole life for the green grass. Schooling, life, friends and family both sides. Just now I thought how is she going to feed the kids for five days if she is that broke. The oldest eats a frozen pizza by him self.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> So she just called me tonight and she was crying really hard because she does not have money for any thing. Her car is breaking down. She has no money for to file for the divorce, no money for the bills. She says she is so stressed out she can't take it. She asked if I could fix her car( did I mention I'm kind of a car guy). I just said simply I can't help you. She said why won't you answer your phone. I said if it's important leave a message. It hurts to here her cry, but hel
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Just keep on doing things right. Don't let up, stick to your principals. She's going to throw everything at you because her life is rapidly disappearing. 

Next she may question you as a father. She'll tell you "do it for the kids!" She'll tell you your going to ruin your life. On and on. Just be ready for it. Stay calm, stay the course.


----------



## Tobyboy

U.E. McGill said:


> Just keep on doing things right. Don't let up, stick to your principals. She's going to throw everything at you because her life is rapidly disappearing.
> 
> Next she may question you as a father. She'll tell you "do it for the kids!" She'll tell you your going to ruin your life. On and on. Just be ready for it. Stay calm, stay the course.


Or....latch-on to a local POS just to rub it on your face!!! I'm telling you!! Be prepare for it!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Tobyboy said:


> Or....latch-on to a local POS just to rub it on your face!!! I'm telling you!! Be prepare for it!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Carry a var on you when dealing with her don't get screwed.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

McGill , I think she would probably do what you think vs what Toby said. What is some good advise when that happens. Toby I could see your point but the only big event happening next is St.Pats day. She has the kids this weekend so I don't see that happening.

Our town is a town of 2500 people. Mostly Irish, so on St.Pats day we get about 1000 people in town drinking at about 5 bars. A couple of fiends have asked me to go. Should I?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Hell yes go! Why should you stay at home and sulk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> McGill , I think she would probably do what you think vs what Toby said. What is some good advise when that happens. Toby I could see your point but the only big event happening next is St.Pats day. She has the kids this weekend so I don't see that happening.
> 
> Our town is a town of 2500 people. Mostly Irish, so on St.Pats day we get about 1000 people in town drinking at about 5 bars. A couple of fiends have asked me to go. Should I?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



why not


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> McGill , I think she would probably do what you think vs what Toby said. What is some good advise when that happens. Toby I could see your point but the only big event happening next is St.Pats day. She has the kids this weekend so I don't see that happening.
> 
> Our town is a town of 2500 people. Mostly Irish, so on St.Pats day we get about 1000 people in town drinking at about 5 bars. A couple of fiends have asked me to go. Should I?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


2500? Slim pickin's ya think? Just watch...every male is fair game to her married or not!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Tobyboy said:


> 2500? Slim pickin's ya think? Just watch...every male is fair game to her married or not!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doesn't mean he should stay home like a prisoner. 

Let her go out and show everyone publicly what a ho she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

bandit.45 said:


> Doesn't mean he should stay home like a prisoner.
> 
> Let her go out and show everyone publicly what a ho she is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course he shouldn't stay home having a one-man pity party. He should be out trying to hook up with every girl he sees. I'm serious here. I've said it before...I'm all for revenge and pay back!! If I was 3kfl, I would be out trying to ***k all her closest friends and enablers by now!! No lie!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Tobyboy said:


> Of course he shouldn't stay home having a one-man pity party. He should be out trying to hook up with every girl he sees. I'm serious here. I've said it before...I'm all for revenge and pay back!! If I was 3kfl, I would be out trying to ***k all her closest friends and enablers by now!! No lie!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:FIREdevil::FIREdevil:


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> So she just called me tonight and she was crying really hard because she does not have money for any thing. *Her car is breaking down.* She has no money for to file for the divorce, no money for the bills. She says she is so stressed out she can't take it. *She asked if I could fix her car( did I mention I'm kind of a car guy).* I just said simply I can't help you. She said why won't you answer your phone. I said if it's important leave a message. It hurts to here her cry, but hel
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When she asks about fixing the car again(And she will), tell her to have her boyfriend fix it for her.

4 months after I got divorced, my ex called me at 4:00am to change a flat tire(she hit a curb, drunk).

I showed up, changed it and then asked where her then BF, now 2nd ex-husband was. She said passed out and she couldn't wake him up.

I told her, "This is IT! Get AAA, or get a better boyfriend, I'm done! The only reason that I changed her tire that time was I had known she had been drinking and if she called a wrecker, the cops would have been 2 minutes behind them. And she had to be able picj our Daughter up from daycare during the week.

When ever she asks you in the future to fix her car, ask her where the kids are. If they are not with her, it's not your problem. Tell her to call the bo'. She should get somethin' from him for letting him boink her, after all...


----------



## 3kidsforlife

That's just it guys, I for a fact she wouldn't do that. She is to big of a soccer mom to all her kids mom friends! She couldn't look them in the eyes ever again. It's that kind of town that if you take a bad crap every one knows about it! That's why I thought McGill was right. From what I've heard she's stayed out of the bars so far. God I'm glad I found you all! I don't know what I would do with out you all!

She was all dressed up tonight to. With no place to go! Sad part is I still love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Why did she dress up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Grounder I really don't think that guy is even around. Even if he is he's from a different state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Bandit, I don't know maybe to see my attraction. Don't worry I was in control. She did catch me looking at some pictures. Our wedding photo was replaced by her high school picture. But the rest of the whole family pictures with me in it are all still up at her moms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

On a work night... man you don't need this silly sh!t. She is like a teenager desperate for attention. I honestly don't get people like her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Re St Pattys, what would an alpha male do?

Your first step should have been to read mmslp, linked to below. If you did read it, you missed the important parts. Read the damn book, you will find out why your old lady lost her attraction to you and made herself available to other men.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Chap I am reading it. Im only on chapter 10. What would an alpha male do?


----------



## bandit.45

You could demand she leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> Chap I am reading it. Im only on chapter 10. What would an alpha male do?


He would go out and have a blast.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I tell you what you guys know your stuff! She just called my work because I would not answer her phone call. She wanted brakes for her car and wanted me to give her my company discount. I said no you fired me of that job. She started crying and said that is the least you can do since your not paying for the stuff she is response able for. I said I am not here to argue, and she your kids ride in this car. This stuff should have been taken care of. I said it is not my response ability any more. She was crying the hole time!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Good for you. Well played. Let the reality of her situation hit her square.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I'm like a sponge what happens next!


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> I'm like a sponge what happens next!


She'll get meaner. She'll start using the kids to get to you. She'll pull out all the stops and rub the affair in your face even more than she already has. Brace yourself. She redrawing the battle lines as we speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Tell her she's just someone you used to know. Send her a link to the youtube video of the song.


----------



## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> I tell you what you guys know your stuff! She just called my work because I would not answer her phone call. She wanted brakes for her car and wanted me to give her my company discount. I said no you fired me of that job. She started crying and said that is the least you can do since your not paying for the stuff she is response able for. I said I am not here to argue, and she your kids ride in this car. This stuff should have been taken care of. I said it is not my response ability any more. She was crying the hole time!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I was going to answer your question but you did already. 

Just repeat the same message. "Not my job"

If she questions your parenting tell her "yeah I can see why you'd think that"

What ever you do don't defend explain excuse or rationalize. That will justify to her why she feels that way.


----------



## WhiteRaven

Tobyboy said:


> Of course he shouldn't stay home having a one-man pity party. He should be out trying to hook up with every girl he sees. I'm serious here. I've said it before...I'm all for revenge and pay back!! If I was 3kfl, I would be out trying to ***k all her closest friends and enablers by now!! No lie!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are bad. So am I.:smthumbup:


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Did I tell you all that when she called my work I ignored it. So it went to my phone room for calls and they called me to tell me that the person on hold told them that they were my wife.


----------



## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> Did I tell you all that when she called my work I ignored it. So it went to my phone room for calls and they called me to tell me that the person on hold told them that they were my wife.


Not your wife anymore....she's someone else's *****!!!

Carry on with your life!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Does it ever stop with these people. What i guess Im asking is do they ever just stop acting this way or is that when they come crawling back.


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> Does it ever stop with these people. What i guess Im asking is do they ever just stop acting this way or is that when they come crawling back.


The truly remorseful ones do eventually stop 

Many however don't learn and are bound to repeat the same behaviors over and over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## U.E. McGill

3kidsforlife said:


> I'm like a sponge what happens next!



Rest assured she'll attack what you value the most. In your case I suspect she'll start to call you a bad father. How you screwed up the kids because you chose divorce. It'll get worse.


----------



## doubletrouble

3kidsforlife said:


> Does it ever stop with these people. What i guess Im asking is do they ever just stop acting this way or is that when they come crawling back.


Yes, I believe my fWW has completely stopped and even put it in reverse. Full of remorse, guilt, shame, and probably will never forgive herself. Not only for my pain, but for the OMW's pain. 

Sometimes good people fvck up. But that doesn't mean they're bad people. It just means they really fvcked up, and hopefully the damage done wasn't life-destroying for everyone involved.



bandit.45 said:


> The truly remorseful ones do eventually stop
> 
> Many however don't learn and are bound to repeat the same behaviors over and over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Sorry OP, but yours doesn't seem to be one of the former.


----------



## LongWalk

She can fly right at any time but that doesn't mean you'll be around to take her back. Keep shutting her down.


----------



## Tron

I dunno guys. This one isn't vindictive...just confused.

I think this one might flip. 

Give it a month...maybe 2. 

3kids: Has she ever been humbled? How prideful is she?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Not really vandictive. She did come back into the house today. While I was at work and took a couple more pictures. But nothing else. By humble, she did file for bancrupcy a couple of years ago. What do you mean prideful?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tdwal

She can't get any credit for herself then can she? Bankruptcy ruins you for years, at least that is what I heard. No wonder she is in money crisis she doesn't have anything she can fall back on in an emergency. That worries me for your children when she has them.


----------



## Chaparral

I think he was asking if her pride would keep her from admitting she made a huge ass mistake and ask to come home.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I really don't know on the pride thing. She really doesn't have Ny pride if she is asking me to help her out already. She has always been one of those people that flys by the seat of there pants and worries about it later!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tron

Chaparral said:


> I think he was asking if her pride would keep her from admitting she made a huge ass mistake and ask to come home.


Yes.

I would not think money would have much bearing on that since you have always been her 'provider'. Why not ask for money...maybe you'd give it to her.

I do find the Facebook family photos interesting though. She hasnt cut that cord. Indicates to me that she hasn't thought it through and isn't quite done.

So when you say she flies by the seat of her pants that makes total sense.

Be strong 3kids! Play it very cool. And keep reading your books. This one could turn on something as simple as getting her jealous. She needs to stew a bit. And don't get out of touch with the family. They may be a conduit for you later.

What was everyone advising Gutpunch? Cool, calm, and dispassionate. That's you!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So i have a question. Our lawyers have not talked because her lawyer is not available even during set up times for my lawyer to talk to her. My question is she said yes I can change the locks but if WW wants to kick the door down she can and if she wants to call the police she can. I know its the whole doormat thing and I get that. But its a $150 to $200 bucks that I don't have right now. Is it really that big of deal? As far as ALPHA goes. 

Because I could really care less about her going into the house, she has already taken all the kids pictures that I wanted(which the lawyer says I get copies of ha ha ha).


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> So i have a question. Our lawyers have not talked because her lawyer is not available even during set up times for my lawyer to talk to her. My question is she said yes I can change the locks but if WW wants to kick the door down she can and if she wants to call the police she can. I know its the whole doormat thing and I get that. But its a $150 to $200 bucks that I don't have right now. Is it really that big of deal? As far as ALPHA goes.
> 
> Because I could really care less about her going into the house, she has already taken all the kids pictures that I wanted(which the lawyer says I get copies of ha ha ha).


How many freaking locks do you have?


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> So i have a question. Our lawyers have not talked because her lawyer is not available even during set up times for my lawyer to talk to her. My question is she said yes I can change the locks but if WW wants to kick the door down she can and if she wants to call the police she can. I know its the whole doormat thing and I get that. But its a $150 to $200 bucks that I don't have right now. Is it really that big of deal? As far as ALPHA goes.
> 
> Because I could really care less about her going into the house, she has already taken all the kids pictures that I wanted(which the lawyer says I get copies of ha ha ha).


ACME Lock will re-key all your doors for about $12 - $15 each, plus a trip charge.


----------



## 3putt

bandit.45 said:


> ACME Lock will re-key all your doors for about $12 - $15 each, plus a trip charge.


You can take them out and down to Home Depot to re-key for even less than that. I think it's between 5 and 10 bucks.


----------



## Squeakr

Or depending on the type they are buy a kit at Home Depot and rekey them yourself at home (I have done this several times on my houses). Don't forget to get garage door controllers as well (and possibly reset them if she has a built in controller in her car).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> So i have a question. Our lawyers have not talked because her lawyer is not available even during set up times for my lawyer to talk to her. My question is she said yes I can change the locks but if WW wants to kick the door down she can and if she wants to call the police she can. I know its the whole doormat thing and I get that. *But its a $150 to $200 bucks* that I don't have right now. Is it really that big of deal? As far as ALPHA goes.
> 
> Because I could really care less about her going into the house, she has already taken all the kids pictures that I wanted(which the lawyer says I get copies of ha ha ha).


Geez! How much for the non-gold plated ones.

Seriously though, just get them re-keyed.


----------



## Chaparral

All you need is a philips screwdriver to take a lockset off the door in about 90% of houses. If you have deadbolts, you can take the lockset off and still lock the door with the lockset. Take it to get rekeyed and then you can take the deadbolt and get it rekeyed.


----------



## U.E. McGill

So put a combo lock on the front door. Then when she wants to come she gets a code from you. Then you change the code. 

She still gets access, you get control.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Ok, so just got a text from her stating "Do you have time later tonight to get together and discuss a few things?"

Do I just ask what about, or do I just do it.


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> Ok, so just got a text from her stating "Do you have time later tonight to get together and discuss a few things?"
> 
> Do I just ask what about, or do I just do it.


As long as it's about the kids and the divorce I say do it.
If possible try to meet at a public place like a coffee shop.
Cool, calm, no emotion.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So just text back "what about".


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She said " my car, schedule, kids and parenting issues"


----------



## tdwal

She may just be saying that but those are things you're supposed to meet about.


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> She said " my car, schedule, kids and parenting issues"


Her car her problem.
Telephone bf


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So do I text back and say, ok. What time and what place. Or do I say the time and place. Be the Alpha Male! Odd she wants to meet right before the big party this weekend.

Trust me she knows what kind of guy I am, before I meet her there was a lot of women in my life. And I could make it happen at any time back in the day. She knows all that!


----------



## bandit.45

Tell her where and when to meet. 

I agree it should be a public place like a diner or restaurant, that way she will be less prone to raising her voice or getting nasty. She won't want to embarrass herself anymore than she already has.


----------



## Squeakr

bandit.45 said:


> Tell her where and when to meet.
> 
> I agree it should be a public place like a diner or restaurant, that way she will be less prone to raising her voice or getting nasty. She won't want to embarrass herself anymore than she already has.


This, so you can set the attitude and mood as you would like them to , and not some aromatic and secluded situation that she would like to orchestrate in. Might also mention that things related to the kids are the only issues open for her discussion, as the other things are no longer your responsibilities.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I tell her a time and place and the kid stuff is the only thing open for discussion. She texts back "well I need to discuss all of it...if you don't want to try and discuss it civilly the I can just figure it out on my end and do what is best for me and the kids." ha ha 

Someone just needs money and that's what she wants.


----------



## bandit.45

Bingo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> So I tell her a time and place and the kid stuff is the only thing open for discussion. She texts back "well I need to discuss all of it...if you don't want to try and discuss it civilly the I can just figure it out on my end and do what is best for me and the kids." ha ha
> 
> Someone just needs money and that's what she wants.


Yep, and she is going to use the kids as a soapbox forum to get you as an audience for the rest of it. She is going to try and tell you that you are responsible for the maintenance and insurance on her car as your kids ride in it too, and that yo need to work around her schedule as she needs to see the kids, but on her terms and time. Blah Blah Blah making it all about her hardships and how could you be so stingy and cold. 

IF ti were truly something important about the kids she would agree to those terms, but it isn't solely about that so she is now laying the guilt trip (don't be surprised is she does meet up that she expects you to pick up the check).


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I stop there. Right after her text message, if she wants to meet up she will text back right. Ignore her!


----------



## LongWalk

You can meet her to discuss the kids and the schedule. If she brings up the car, listen to her. When she is done repeat what she said back to her but reply no to requests for a bailout. If she whines, reply that when you were married you had a joint economy. Now that you are splitting, each of you must take responsibility for your share. The old elements of married life are gone by her choice. You are not asking her to act like a wife anymore. This end of habits, you can tell her, can be hard. Gradually you will both stop thinking of each other, except with regards to your children.

When the discussion has run its course. Stand up. Shake hands and go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Do I let her text back to me or should I respond with the same statement as before. kind of like let her come to me thing and just ignore it after her last text message.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She text back. "Obviously this is something you are not interested in so we can do it another time...... Thanks! Should I respond to her or ignore her?

I do not want to make her vindictive. She is confused at the point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BetrayedDad

3kidsforlife said:


> She text back. "Obviously this is something you are not interested in so we can do it another time...... Thanks! Should I respond to her or ignore her?
> 
> I do not want to make her vindictive. She is confused at the point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Definitely IGNORE her. Alpha's don't respond to guilt trips. You need to 180 her hard. COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE. Especially to comments like that. She's trying to provoke beta sympathy out of you. Pretend she doesn't exist. It will drive her NUTS.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Thanks that's what I thought! But you guys guessed it she is using the kids and that drives me nuts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

What is wrong with her car?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Her brakes are bad and she needs new tires. Probably from all the driving she was doing at the beginning of all this. It is just so sad this women is not even close to the women I knew. Just it just get worse or what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Her brakes are bad and she needs new tires. Probably from all the driving she was doing at the beginning of all this. It is just so sad this women is not even close to the women I knew. Just it just get worse or what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You might want to think twice on not offering to help her with this. This is the car that transports your kids around town. You wouldn't want something bad happening to them.

I would get this fixed. Just let her know it's not for her, but for your kids' safety.


----------



## turnera

The kids are fine. There is nothing for you two to discuss until your lawyers say so. You'd get a phone call from the police or a hospital if there was something wrong with the kids. Ignore her.


----------



## 3putt

turnera said:


> The kids are fine. There is nothing for you two to discuss until your lawyers say so. You'd get a phone call from the police or a hospital if there was something wrong with the kids. Ignore her.


Sorry, but I have to disagree with you on this one, turnera. This is about the kids now. I would never suggest putting children in harms way over tires and brakes.

As an aside, if she's documenting like he is, it won't look good on him in court. Not at all.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Let me remind you guys she is living with her mom who also has a vehicle. Plus the tires are not that bad I have seen them, two are very good and two about 20 to 30 percent. The place that she is living at is on my route to work and her mom has been taking the kids to school whe she does work. Plus she has no bills it is not my care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Plus she could ask family to help her out with money for the brakes. They are all within a couple of miles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

She has no bills and she works?


----------



## Chaparral

Text her and ask her why she thinks someone she is not relared to should fix her car or anything else?


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Plus she could ask family to help her out with money for the brakes. They are all within a couple of miles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well then, tell her that. You do have a habit of leaving out a lot of info when asking about a course of action, pal.


----------



## BetrayedDad

3putt said:


> Sorry, but I have to disagree with you on this one, turnera. This is about the kids now. I would never suggest putting children in harms way over tires and brakes.
> 
> As an aside, if she's documenting like he is, it won't look good on him in court. Not at all.


It's still not his problem. Let her figure out how to scrap up $500 for tires and brakes. God forbid if something happens it's on her head. He can't wipe her a$$ the rest of his life. She needs to learn to accept some responsibility. It's time to wake up from Wonderland, Alice. Her carefree cheating days are over.

If she's knowingly endangering the lives of the children, he needs to file a petition in court for full custody.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Sorry 3putt, I didn't mean to! Ha ha how's your golf game? I haven't golfed in about 3 to 4 years. Excited to get back out. I use to shoot low 40's. She does have some bills, grand total about 700 to 800. She use to bring home about 2g's a month. But that is before she went to part time work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt

BetrayedDad said:


> It's still not his problem. Let her figure out how to scrap up $500 for tires and brakes. God forbid if something happens it's on her head. He can't wipe her a$$ the rest of his life. She needs to learn to accept some responsibility. It's time to wake up from Wonderland, Alice. Her carefree cheating days are over.
> 
> *If she's knowingly endangering the lives of the children, he needs to file a petition in court for full custody.*


I would agree to an extent, but in the interim, it should be taken care of for the safety of the children. That always comes first in my eyes. If something were to happen to them because of brakes or tires, how do you think he would feel knowing he could've done something to prevent it? Sorry....I'd never take that chance when kids are involved. You can be tough and stand tall in other areas.

It this situation though, it's a moot point anyway as I didn't have enough info to go on.


----------



## 3putt

3kidsforlife said:


> Sorry 3putt, I didn't mean to! Ha ha how's your golf game? I haven't golfed in about 3 to 4 years. Excited to get back out. I use to shoot low 40's. She does have some bills, grand total about 700 to 800. She use to bring home about 2g's a month. But that is before she went to part time work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Meh, golf kinda sux right now. Played six rounds so far and averaging about 7 over.


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## BetrayedDad

3putt said:


> It this situation though, it's a moot point anyway as I didn't have enough info to go on.


I agree... He doesn't seem to think it's all that serious either.

It just sounds like an excuse to chisel more money out of him.


----------



## 3putt

BetrayedDad said:


> I agree... He doesn't seem to think it's all that serious either.
> 
> It just sounds like an excuse to chisel more money out of him.


It sounds *now* like that's what it is. How could I know that though before he clarified?

When kids are involved, I always err on the side of caution.


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## 3kidsforlife

Plus I don't have the money any ways! I had to take over all her bills! She just thinks I do. I have been in car parts for almost twenty years, she could get used tires and cheap brakes for about $200. Her brother has the ability to do it all for her, I have showed him how to work on cars. And he can do it. 

That's the part I don't get why she doesn't ask family to help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

Because it gives her something to gripe at you about.


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## Squeakr

I agree that she needs to be responsible for her part. If not at what point does the line get drawn as there will always be the kids and she will use it as leverage. From the beginning he has mentioned she is living with her mom and has relatives close by so it is there just wasn't such a big noted issue (in fact she called him when stuck and when he got stuck the brother had to come help him and everyone wondered why she never called the brother. 

Also I don't believe the issues with the car are that bad, as if it was that bad and she was still driving it around then she would willingly be putting the kids in harms way, so why should he feel responsible for her carelessness. It is just another elegant scheme and plot on her behalf to control things. Maybe she should seek family for help and money or sell something of value to get this issue repaired? Guess it is not that important of an ordeal to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

At what point did you take over all her bills?

And what's keeping you from STOPPING this taking over of all her bills?


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## 3kidsforlife

So I fell asleep on the couch. And I just herd some banging around in the house. I wake up and it's her, she is grabbing some kids stuff for St.Pats. We talk about the kids schedule with a little arguing but got through it. She is pissed about all the money she is spending with the lawyers and every thing. 

She says I need to tell the kids that this divorce is both or choice so they stop acting this way towards her.( I have never put a bad thought in there head). She says it's how I act towards her. I say I can see how you feel like that. I would not put a bad image of the you on the kids. She says I have two choices on the car she can park it in the drive way or I can fix it. I say if you want I can repo it or sell it. I have already talked to the bank. We agreed on next months schedual.

She says I am acting childish that I will not talk to her. I say that you have fired me of best friends and husband. She says we are still married. I say you have filed for divorce and do not want MC. There for I am fired. She says she is sorry for firing me. And we say good night!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

I am really sad. I know in my heart that this does not want to be with me and it is really over. Am I right in thinking this. You all have listen to my story. Am I right in thinking this? Please tell me! She has not changed her Facebook status and has our picture with all of us up on it. I so do not know what to think about this person. I can hear my her tone she does not hate me. In the 180 it says do not give up no matter how dark. Should I give up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nickgtg

After 91 pages of advice you're still asking if you should stay with her? I'm not sure anyone else telling you what you should do would really matter.

I'll be blunt, you know what you need to do, you're just scared to do it.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


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## 3kidsforlife

I am not desperate I just want to know if I should give up that last little hope that I do have. I still melt a little in my heart when I see her. But that is ok I can deal with that. She acts like we should be best friends during this and after. But I can not do that. I did not show nothing but cool calm and dispationate when we talked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> I am really sad. I know in my heart that this does not want to be with me and it is really over. Am I right in thinking this. You all have listen to my story. Am I right in thinking this? Please tell me! She has not changed her Facebook status and has our picture with all of us up on it. I so do not know what to think about this person. I can hear my her tone she does not hate me. In the 180 it says do not give up no matter how dark. Should I give up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know, after so many posts I had to go back to the start to remind myself of how this all started. It started with her beginning to cheat - emotionally. Even though, according to you, things were going well. She started becoming attracted to somebody she came across at work. Here is the problem and the possible answer to your question as to whether you should give up or not: what made her think about cheating ? Really ? I do not believe that you or she for that matter has a clear answer to this? 

You have not really uncovered what is going on? 

If it is as simple as lust and she thought she could get away with it, then you have a major character flaw here and you need to give up and run because you cannot fix it. 

*IF* there is something else that she is not getting from you (or thinks she is not getting from you) *AND* you believe she still loves you *AND* you still love her *AND* it has not gone physical (i.e. she has given up on you) - *THEN* do not give up!

Only you can shed light on these "if's" as you are in contact with her - we are simply reading what you report.


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## Chaparral

BetrayedDad said:


> I agree... He doesn't seem to think it's all that serious either.
> 
> It just sounds like an excuse to chisel more money out of him.


Or time. I'm wondering if she just wants to come around. 3kfl said he liked to work on cars. I think she just may want to come over to have him work on it. Tell her to buy the parts and you will supply the labor. 

Then grease her.


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## 3kidsforlife

How do I figure that out? Man from I think your right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy

Let's take a look at her actions. 
1: She's having an affair. 
2: Filed for divorce. 
3: Moved out of the marital home. 
4: Shows no remorse.

Those are just a few facts. 

She's gone! She's not coming back! 

ps. Her Facebook page is just for appearances only. It's there to "pull the wool over the eyes" of her friends and family. You are neither!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Ask her if she is still wanting the divorce. Tell her you miss her but its her call.


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## LongWalk

Sorry for firing you? Good. Now she has tell you that she does not want to go through with it. She has to request to rehire you. The economic pressure is good. Money troubles are reality. Your love protected her from the world. Two animals in the same burrow with young. The smallest unit of organization. Her hormones led her to pair with a different male and all héll broke loose in the den
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Long walk you have been following me for a very long time. You know every time I see her I go on one of these rants about missing her and every thing. It is getting to the indifferent that is hard! And yes she did say sorry for firing you. Tell me I'm not wrong in my thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Chaparral said:


> Ask her if she is still wanting the divorce. Tell her you miss her but its her call.


When I said the part about firing and MC. She said she would have in the beginning but not now with the childish behavior. (I.e. NC)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

And she wanted our family calendars, she said for her family. Time and 180! It her choice if I'm there for her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> How do I figure that out? Man from I think your right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask her - plain and simple!

1. Are you not getting something from me that you think you should ? What is it ?

2. Do you still love me ? If so, why are you behaving like this ? If not, why are you still hanging around me ?

3. I do love you but cannot continue like this ? Are you willing to work on this or do we divorce ?

Ask her to keep her answers truthful, short, simple and unambiguous (i.e. not open to interpretation but rather very definite and easy to understand).

Listen to what she says, ask to clarify anything that doesn't make sense, then make a decision to continue or not. Continuing would be the difficult task because there would be conditions that she would need to comply with etc.


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## 3kidsforlife

Man from if the situation ever came up again I will ask your questions, in the 180 it says to let her bring up the relationship. I believe I have done a pretty good job of the 180 finally. Only part is being cheerful when she is around, I haven't nailed that one yet, most of the time but not all the time. She is finally feeling the sting and burn of it all. I get that she is finally feeling a little remorse by saying sorry for firing me last night. The 180 has helped so much you can't understand.

The reason I go on these rants after I see her is it helps me get my feeling out so I don't explode in side. I don't talk to my friends or family about every day stuff because they do not understand. Only you all do. That is why you all are so important to me!

I have realized it is her choice to come back. Every day I get stronger and see where I can be with out her. This all is a very hard lesson to learn!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill

Remember she's communicating like a woman. Not a man. 

All this is meant to elicit an emotion out of you. It's not to deliver information. 

When she says she's sorry she fired you that's meant to make you fell guilty. 

She tells you your acting childish. That's meant to play on your shame. Child=shame. Stoping it, no shame. 

As the previous poster states her actions show no remorse. Her words are meant to manipulate. 

You have every right to want her back. But until she comes back and has nothing left, and says "I'll do whatever it takes" she still sees you as a lesser. To paraphrase Athol, she's your vampire and right now she's trying to stay that way. 

To have a truly equal marriage she needs to accept she's an equal or accept the alternative of no marriage. That's the 180's goal and should be yours.


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## Nucking Futs

U.E. McGill said:


> Remember she's communicating like a woman. Not a man.
> 
> All this is meant to elicit an emotion out of you. It's not to deliver information.
> 
> When she says she's sorry she fired you that's meant to make you fell guilty.
> 
> She tells you your acting childish. That's meant to play on your shame. Child=shame. Stoping it, no shame.
> 
> As the previous poster states her actions show no remorse. Her words are meant to manipulate.
> 
> You have every right to want her back. But until she comes back and has nothing left, and says "I'll do whatever it takes" she still sees you as a lesser. To paraphrase Athol, she's your vampire and right now she's trying to stay that way.
> 
> To have a truly equal marriage she needs to accept she's an equal or accept the alternative of no marriage. That's the 180's goal and should be yours.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

What you said about her firing you by filing and refusing MC is plenty. If she wants to come back to you she knows what she needs to do. Don't say anything else about it.


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## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> When I said the part about firing and MC. She said she would have in the beginning but not now with the childish behavior. (I.e. NC)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's just her saying she wants the control back. She won't take you back unless you give up your silly notion of being able to stand up for yourself and be a real man.

Would you want THAT? To become her cuckold? To do whatever she says, while she does whatever she wants?


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## 3kidsforlife

Thanks, I agree. The childish thing did work a little after she left. I second guessed my self. But then I thought to myself this person wants to divorce me what's there to talk about!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

If that is her attitude I would just stop talking to her period, except for the essentials. 

I think she has totally checked out. Stop talking about the relationship and let the D proceed. You are torturing yourself and only giving her ammo to hurt you more.


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## Acabado

3kidsforlife said:


> She is finally feeling the sting and burn of it all. I get that *she is finally feeling a little remorse* by saying sorry for firing me last night.


She doesn't. She clearly stated regrets firing you becasue you refuse to help her with the car, finances, not being "her friend" (specially in front of the kids and family)... the unwanted, unthought-of consequences she's getting now.
It's very common in checked out spouses to become very serlf centered and to genuinely believe their abandoned ones share their views, will be happy for them and will get along with every single of their plans which constitutes the script in their heads.
Nothing further from remorse. Remorse means she regrets and rejects her actions in one hand and that she empathizes, shares you pain in the other. Your feelings and well being are not even in her radar and she doesnt regret anything she did since she strayed and left except for the unexpected mismatch between her plans and reality.


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## 3kidsforlife

I see, she does not remorse. Nor does she regret any thing. She has probably already checked out. Once they do that there is no coming back is there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB

3kidsforlife said:


> I see, she does not remorse. Nor does she regret any thing. She has probably already checked out. Once they do that there is no coming back is there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No.


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## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> Man from if the situation ever came up again I will ask your questions, in the 180 it says to let her bring up the relationship. I believe I have done a pretty good job of the 180 finally. Only part is being cheerful when she is around, I haven't nailed that one yet, most of the time but not all the time. She is finally feeling the sting and burn of it all. I get that she is finally feeling a little remorse by saying sorry for firing me last night. The 180 has helped so much you can't understand.
> 
> The reason I go on these rants after I see her is it helps me get my feeling out so I don't explode in side. I don't talk to my friends or family about every day stuff because they do not understand. Only you all do. That is why you all are so important to me!
> 
> I have realized it is her choice to come back. Every day I get stronger and see where I can be with out her. This all is a very hard lesson to learn!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The 180 is NOT designed to win a wayward back. it is specifically designed to get you out of a bad marriage. 

MMSLP is designed to fix a marriage as are other programs.


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## Chaparral

Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

This is a link to the website of the woman that wrote the 180. Check it out


----------



## carmen ohio

Chaparral said:


> *Ask her if she is still wanting the divorce. Tell her you miss her but its her call.*





manfromlamancha said:


> *Ask her - plain and simple!*
> 
> 1. Are you not getting something from me that you think you should ? What is it ?
> 
> 2. *Do you still love me ?* If so, why are you behaving like this ? If not, why are you still hanging around me ?
> 
> 3. * I do love you but cannot continue like this ? Are you willing to work on this or do we divorce ?*
> 
> Ask her to keep her answers truthful, short, simple and unambiguous (i.e. not open to interpretation but rather very definite and easy to understand).
> 
> Listen to what she says, ask to clarify anything that doesn't make sense, then make a decision to continue or not. Continuing would be the difficult task because there would be conditions that she would need to comply with etc.


Sorry, guys, but these are both very bad pieces of advice. The more the 3kidsforlife caters to her, tells her he still loves her and indicates he wants her back, the more she will lose respect for him. The ONLY way they will get back together (and it is a long shot) is if he continues to ignore her and build a life without her.

3kidsforlife, your mindset is better but still not right. You think way too much about her, what she wants and why she is acting the way she is. The proper mindset is not to think about her at all -- admittedly, hard to achieve, but this should be your goal.

You have yourself and your kids to worry about. Stop worrying about her.


----------



## U.E. McGill

Chaparral said:


> The 180 is NOT designed to win a wayward back. it is specifically designed to get you out of a bad marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> MMSLP is designed to fix a marriage as are other programs.



The end game of the MMSLP is..,. 

The 180.


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## Chaparral

Actually, I'm not sure she knows what she wants. She's sending mixed signals.

I don't see asking her if she is happy divorceing is going to make things worse and it may bring closure. The problem I see is 3kfl is using the 180 thinking it may help get his wife back.
The odds are better that a 180 will insure divorce than reconcilliation.

Btw, I do not recommend divorce or reconcilliation.


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## turnera

3kids, you are MONTHS AND MONTHS away from being able to have such a conversation with her that will mean anything to her. She needs time, time to see that you will no longer be her b*tch, that you deserve to be respected, that you CAN enjoy life without her.

She's lost respect for you, 3kids. She needs to see that you respect yourself too much to allow her to treat you this way. She KNOWS she's treating you like crap, whether she wants to admit it to herself or not. Seeing YOU step out of it will force her to see it.

But that can't happen yet. Not for awhile. Keep the 180, move forward with divorce, and see what happens. You can always stop the divorce or remarry, once the balance is restored. 

But at this point, there can be no balance. She MUST acknowledge the damage she's done before she can ever possibly be a good wife again. And that takes time.


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## treyvion

bandit.45 said:


> Beautiful.
> 
> Boo...fvcking...hoo....
> 
> Like the others said....she fired you as her husband. No more marital perks for her. Tell her to call her stud lover next time and mooch money off him.


Tell her to let her "other man" do it", or call him "ole boy".


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Well last night was fun! Went out flirted with a ton of women. Talked to a ton of family members and friends. Every single one said she is losing every thing for a midlife crisis. I just told them it is her loss! One women friend of ours pulled me aside and told me " they know who this women is trying to be and she is not her(toxic friend), she will wake up and have nothing." 

You are right it takes TIME! During this time I have to get to that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

The toxic friend was out last night also. Her and her man toy were at a couple of bars I was at and they were all by them selves. Funny this is the life my WW wants. So I'm sure every thing I did last night will get back to my WW. I just wanted to say the MMSLP is also a great pick up line book. You are all right I think way to much about her! She is a very confused women who only thinks she knows what she wants, let her be and feel all the life problems. I just have to work on my 180 and watch her from a far. TRUST ME in the town we live in she will feel the pain!

I am not a god person totally, but I believe he send a lot of signs for people to point them in the right spot. I have seen a lot of signs from him lately. I have followed those signs and they were the correct action. I believe there is a reason for every thing that happens. She needs time!!!! To see I was not the problem in her life!!! And she will see it hopefully it's before the divorce is final.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

By that time, you may realize what you can get is much better than her. 

That said, I really hope she wakes up and makes amends so you can keep your family together.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> The toxic friend was out last night also. Her and her man toy were at a couple of bars I was at and they were all by them selves. Funny this is the life my WW wants. So I'm sure every thing I did last night will get back to my WW. I just wanted to say the MMSLP is also a great pick up line book. You are all right I think way to much about her! She is a very confused women who only thinks she knows what she wants, let her be and feel all the life problems. I just have to work on my 180 and watch her from a far. TRUST ME in the town we live in she will feel the pain!
> 
> I am not a god person totally, but I believe he send a lot of signs for people to point them in the right spot. I have seen a lot of signs from him lately. I have followed those signs and they were the correct action. I believe there is a reason for every thing that happens. *She needs time!!!! To see I was not the problem in her life!!! And she will see it hopefully it's before the divorce is final.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just by the fact that she chose a OM 10 years younger than her to cheat on you with makes me think that she could get all the time in the world, but it ain't gonna fix her broke.

Even if you D, you two could still try again down the line. If she worked on herself and got better.

I don't see this happening though. I think that the 25 year old she cheated with, wasn't so much because he was younger. He was just different.

She's started to chase the "thrill". It won't matter who it is, just as long as he's different. After your D, I see a long string of meaningless relationships for her. Next one worse than the last.

Once it all comes to a head and then crashing down, she'll be at the bottom. Broken, lonely and looking for YOU.

I see nothing but heartache for you if you stay with her.


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## 3kidsforlife

Turnera I really hope she does. I realized last night I can be happy again with out her. I don't think she will ever come back. Until she flys right, but I don't see her doing that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Ground wrong story my WW had a guy same age and it was an emotional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio

3kidsforlife said:


> Ground wrong story my WW had a guy same age and it was an emotional.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Huh? Want to try that again in English?


----------



## Nucking Futs

carmen ohio said:


> Huh? Want to try that again in English?


Translation: Groundpounder, you're thinking of the wrong story, my wife had an emotional affair with someone the same age.


----------



## BashfulB

3kidsforlife said:


> The
> I am not a god person totally, but I believe he send a lot of signs for people to point them in the right spot. I have seen a lot of signs from him lately. I have followed those signs and they were the correct action. I believe there is a reason for every thing that happens. She needs time!!!! To see I was not the problem in her life!!! And she will see it hopefully it's before the divorce is final.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't get your hopes up friend. But you are doing good. It's hard to detach I know, I've been where you are. I had it good because my xWW and I had no kids, so it was easy for me to leave her. But boy I missed her bad and there were so many times I wanted to hop in my truck and go back to her!


----------



## carmen ohio

Nucking Futs said:


> Translation: Groundpounder, you're thinking of the wrong story, my wife had an emotional affair with someone the same age.


Thanks, NF.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Well got a email from the lawyer. Not good! She says I am telling the kids about the boyfriend and putting bad thoughts in there head about her.and making bad comments about her. She wants to return the car and have me repo it or sell it. I have hurt her and you all were right she is trying to go after my kids!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

As long as what you tell the kids is the truth, so what? No libel or slander to speak of.


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## 3kidsforlife

That's just it I haven't told the kids anything! The oldest found out about a month ago. He just told me that this guy will never be anything to me dad. And both the oldest and the daughter asked about him last night and I just walked away and said nothing. She is making up stuff about me. When they told me last night they said they ask her about him all the time. Again I said nothing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

She's trying to go after kid time and hurt me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Your lawyer knows the truth. Let him protect you.


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## bandit.45

She knows her infidelity is going to look bad come custody hearing time, so she is making a preemptive strike. Have you been documenting? Turn your records over to your lawyer so he can build his case. 



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

Minnesota is a no falt state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> Minnesota is a no falt state.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When it comes to splitting assets. Child custody does not fall under "no fault ". If you can provide the court hard dates showing when she started the affair, what days she went missing, days she slept in and neglected the kids, then your lawyer can send her lawyer discovery that will threaten to make her look like a moron on the stand. If he can convince her lawyer that he will flay her alive in court then they might just back off with the chest thumping. It's like the Cold War. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Yeah, this isn't about if she's a 'bad' person; it's about you getting the time you deserve with your kids and if she shows a pattern of disappearing on them to serve HER needs, you'll look better to the judge, no matter what kind of crap she tries to pull. Document everything!


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## tdwal

bandit.45 said:


> When it comes to splitting assets. Child custody does not fall under "no fault ". If you can provide the court hard dates showing when she started the affair, what days she went missing, days she slept in and neglected the kids, then your lawyer can send her lawyer discovery that will threaten to make her look like a moron on the stand. If he can convince her lawyer that he will flay her alive in court then they might just back off with the chest thumping. It's like the Cold War.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That does work in MN it worked for me.


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## 3kidsforlife

She did all that in the beginning, now she has crap right. Except that on Saturday the oldest boy had to brake into the house to get dice for his mom. He said she was so drunk she couldn't drive them from her brothers house. I have wrote down everything from the beginning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3kidsforlife

The daughter was crying for half an hour. She is sad and dose not understand she says mom is no help because she was crying for two hours before drop off on Sunday! Let the pain hit her hard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

So she cries in private but then gets all brave when her lawyer is standing next to her huh? 

Typical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

3kidsforlife said:


> Ground wrong story my WW had a guy same age and it was an emotional.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


3kidsforlife, I am SO, SO sorry.

I obviously am spending too much time on here, when I start screwing up who I think I'm posting to.

Thanks for letting me know. Also thank you for the updates.


----------



## tom67

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> 3kidsforlife, I am SO, SO sorry.
> 
> I obviously am spending too much time on here, when I start screwing up who I think I'm posting to.
> 
> Thanks for letting me know. Also thank you for the updates.


Ground we all get confused at times believe me.
Keep on keeping on.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Well I have decide to try and move out of the house and sell. I just cant afford it when I will start to have to pay child support. This kind of sucks because I am underwater on the house. I owe 240 and probably could sell for 215-230. Plus sewer needs to be updated. I have decided this because in order for me to have a life after this, this is what I must do.

You are right it is very hard not to think about her. When I dropped off the kids last night she barely said two words to me. She showed no emotion even towards the kids. The kids of course didn't want to go either. The oldest hates(12) it there and the daughter(8) is torn because she always misses both, and the youngest(5) doesn't like leaving dad. 

I guess I get the car back also. She cant afford to fix it and wants me to sell it or make the payments or repo it. I told my lawyer she is behind on the payments and I wont take it back until she is current.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

3kidsforlife said:


> That's just it I haven't told the kids anything! The oldest found out about a month ago. He just told me that this guy will never be anything to me dad. * And both the oldest and the daughter asked about him last night and I just walked away and said nothing. * She is making up stuff about me. When they told me last night they said they ask her about him all the time. Again I said nothing!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I cannot express my feelings about your weak actions....

But I am angry....

On behalf of your children I beg you to reform you way of handling things. Become a man, and act like a father. Act like their father. Tell them the facts, and your feelings about the facts.

They are at a loss with you behaving like you do....

Please...


----------



## 3putt

See_Listen_Love said:


> I cannot express my feelings about your weak actions....
> 
> But I am angry....
> 
> On behalf of your children I beg you to reform you way of handling things. Become a man, and act like a father. Act like their father. Tell them the facts, and your feelings about the facts.
> 
> They are at a loss with you behaving like you do....
> 
> Please...


Agreed. 3kfl, read this from Dr. Harley and see what he has to say about it. 



MelodyLane said:


> SEJ3 said:
> 
> 
> 
> What do I tell them? That mommy had a friend?
> 
> 
> 
> Just tell them that mommy had an affair with married man and that you are very sad and hurt about it. Tell them the name of this bad man is __insert name____. Explain to them that this is wrong and that you and mommy are doing everything to fix the marriage.
> 
> I would just tell them on your own without forewarning your wife. Afterwards, you can tell her you told them. I would encourage your children to ask her any questions they have. You should also inform your close family members.
> 
> This is all information that is very pertinent to your children's lives and they have a right and a need to know the truth. Here is what Dr Harley has to say about telling the children:
> 
> Dr. Harley on telling the children:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
> 
> An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> here
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
> ___________________________________
> A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
> 
> When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> here
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
> 
> Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> here
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
> 
> The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
> 
> The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
> 
> Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
> 
> It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Also, here's another article written by his daughter, Dr. Jennifer Chalmers.

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn


----------



## 3kidsforlife

First question, will this hurt me in court?

Second question, do I just come out and talk to them when I get them back. Or do I let them come to me and ask again.

Third question, how do I say it exactly to them?(bad with words)

Right now they think this is moms friend Chris. They told me she hides her phone and they have seen a picture with them hugging.


----------



## turnera

Please tell your kids the truth. They need ONE parent being honest with them. If they're young, just follow the script provided: mommy found a boyfriend and you're not allowed to have boyfriends when you're married. That's all they need to hear.

They need to know he's not honorable. Lots of predators out there...


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> First question, will this hurt me in court?


It shouldn't hurt you in court as long as you feel the age appropriate truth. The key word being truth. IF you are only telling the truth, then it can't hurt you anymore than it is hurting her, as she is doing the things you are telling. Her actions should carry more weight then your words, but we know it really doesn't seem to matter in court.


----------



## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> First question, will this hurt me in court?
> 
> Second question, do I just come out and talk to them when I get them back. Or do I let them come to me and ask again.
> 
> Third question, how do I say it exactly to them?(bad with words)
> 
> Right now they think this is moms friend Chris. They told me she hides her phone and *they have seen a picture with them hugging.*


So this has gone physical, then.


----------



## turnera

Just record the conversation.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I have always assumed it has gone physical. I think its weird that I some how knew this but have always still wanted her back.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Three things, I sent the oldest a picture of us yesterday because he asked me to. So this morning I look on my Facebook account and her family has liked a picture that she posted late last night( I think somebody is hates how close me and the kids are) of her and the kids. How childish!

I get a call from her today and say I will have to call you back. Got busy at work and called her back 45 minutes later to no answer. Must not have been that important right! I know I still think way to much about her but as you know it is hard. I want to send her a text to see what she wanted but shouldn't!

Talked to a realtor today doesn't look good on the house don't know what to do on that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nickgtg

Get a room mate to help with the mortgage if needed.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## Squeakr

nickgtg said:


> Get a room mate to help with the mortgage if needed.


This would be best if you can swing it, as you wouldn't have to move and would get the added bonus of your money going towards something other than paying rent (which is paying someone else's mortgage on the building).


----------



## carmen ohio

3kidsforlife said:


> *First question, will this hurt me in court?
> *
> Second question, do I just come out and talk to them when I get them back. Or do I let them come to me and ask again.
> 
> Third question, how do I say it exactly to them?(bad with words)
> 
> Right now they think this is moms friend Chris. They told me she hides her phone and they have seen a picture with them hugging.


3kidsforlife, don't ask for legal advice on TAM. That is what lawyers are for.


----------



## turnera

Yes, look into renting to a college student or out-of-town worker. You can find websites for that.


----------



## U.E. McGill

Remember any marital debts as well as assets are split. You take a bath on a short sale... So does she. 

You need to get off Facebook.


----------



## bandit.45

nickgtg said:


> Get a room mate to help with the mortgage if needed.
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


Preferably about 25, tanned, long black hair past her 20 inch waist, 36D chest, 36" hips, and answers to the name Consuela.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Have you checked out all the refinancing options ? Also have you talked to the mortgage company?


----------



## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> I have always assumed it has gone physical. I think its weird that I some how knew this but have always still wanted her back.


I thought that you had "scared/driven" the POSOM away before it got physical. That he was coming to town and that is when you thought it might go physical but it didn't because you scared him off. That nothing physical had happened prior to that etc.

When did it go physical ? Read the bolded parts below from your posts:



3kidsforlife said:


> Just a little back story. My wife and I have together for 11 years and married 4 years. Have three great kids 5-9-12. Have had a good marriage on and off. Good for a couple years bad for a month and good again. About a year ago it was a huge one all the talk of divorce by both but decided to work it out. We went to therapy a about 6 years a ago. And was the best thing we ever did. Learned to talk to each other instead of screaming! About a week ago I noticed my wife changed a little. Came home a little later and kind of distant. So one night she fell asleep with the kids and I was going to put her phone on the charger for her. She had put a lock code on it. I knew what that meant so I woke her up and asked her nicely what was going on. She looked nerves and said I was going to waite till after the boys birthday but I want a divorce. *I said is there someone else, she said yes but nothing physical. * She made a connection with this guy that comes to her work(she does not work with him). I had already looked at the phone records. And he lives in a different state. She then proceeded to tell me I am not the man I once was I had got lazy. I asked if we or I could fix this and she says NO. I asked if she wanted to move out, she says yes and no. Because she has no were to go and the kids. I asked if we should tell the kids about the divorce and she said yes. But she keeps putting that OFF. Kids are not stupid. They will figure out and question why dad is sleeping on the couch. Phone records show she is texting and calling more and more every day to the other guy. Some of her family know because she told them. What should I expect to come and what future is there?
> 
> Yes I am working on finding the old me!





3kidsforlife said:


> well I talked to her family and I am kicking her out she does not want to leave plus I did find his name out *apparently he is coming back to town Friday.* this guy is not a man and nows nothing about her kids. he is just feeding her every thing she wants to hear. she said she would sleep on the coach.





3kidsforlife said:


> *She has not acted on anything yet and refuses to call him her boyfriend.* Is that cheating talk or is it her holding back emotions for me. Her family says the feels for me are still there. Sorry for sounding like a weak man but this is all so sudden.





3kidsforlife said:


> We'll I told her she had to leave because it was not fair for me to feel like that and have to live in the same house. We did sit down with the kids and discuss a seep ration for a while. Not a divorce! To together we decided that. We work different shifts. *So it was now or never and he is flying in on Friday so I couldn't watch that happen.* She has to come back tonight after work and gather some stuff and talk about finances. Hope this works. I do love her!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> *I do know she will ( at my worst dreams sleep with him) be with him when he comes to town. I couldn't stop that if she stayed. This way when I'm not sleeping on the coach I don't have to think she is sextexting him in my bed!* I hope you are right and he just wants the p¥££y. I can't emagine the bloody mess he would if I met him or how long I would be in jail! During the younger years I spent way to much time there! New the guards by first name that's how often. Just hope me kicking her out puts her against the wall and makes her think why we both said I DO!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> So I think I screwed up a bit on the 180 plan. She didn't come home last night. Came to get the kids this morning and asked if I could call the phone company to get her off the plan. I asked if she could write down all the monthly bills she was paying. This lead into the conversation that I talked to the bank and am dumping the house. *She said she was not cheating on me with this OM.* And I said what is it than, told her that she was having an emotional affair. She said no she was not. She said I was the one that did not want to work it out. I said I would be willing to work it out any time. Sounded like she had a feeling to want to work it out. I then told her that I would file for a divorce. because she refused to work it out. * I then told her that when this guy comes in to town on Friday if she sleeps with him there will never be any thing for us to go back to!* She was questioning how I found all this out. I told her the internet.
> The question is how bad did I screw up and should I do the phone thing because I like having the phone records in my court! What to do and why doesn't she think she is cheating!





3kidsforlife said:


> I do believe that is why she wanted to waite till after the boys party. Because she wanted to see if this thing with OM could be more. *Im sure they have a date planned for this weekend.* She was very put off that she had to sleep at a different house(a friend of hers that has also had a marriage end because of her cheating ways).





3kidsforlife said:


> Huge question have really stuck to 180 plan. And out of blue tonight she sends me a text saying what is my end game? *She need to know because I'm pushing the other man away because he is afraid for him and his family*( what ever that means). She says she wants me to be civil to him her and the kids! And wants me to promise. *Did I scare the crap out of this guy or what!!!!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> She came home end repeatedly asked my to just say the words that i will not go after him or his family( she said his mother). I did not say anything like that. I think she wanted me to condole the thing or not say im going to kill him. I just reashered her that we need to be there for the kids(witch she is not doing). I know no there is no quick fix but i do love my wife but she is on a drug right know and is not think staight. She even said something that she was not going to pay for her part of bill witch is electric. So I asked if she was going to have the power shut off on the kids. She didnt like that! I did put down my final draw line if she slept with him that i will not be here. *she said its not cheating because we are getting a divorce, i said until i sign those papers we are still married.* She said she is getting papers today i said i will not sign until after boys birthdays. witch is same time as this guy is coming to town. *She has been some what honest so far during this. So if she come back and tells me she slept with him time to give up.* Just trying to get day by day done! Very hard!





3kidsforlife said:


> Right now I think it's best to cut ties except with kids and let things happen. *I've put fear in to this guy told her the actions and see what happens. * Don't you think!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> So I went mid evil and told her I would kick his ass Gail or not. *She started crying and said i win and will be you pretty little wife. What does this mean. Did I win on OM or just stopped this guy and she will think about us after awhile*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> *Her mom just called my what did you do she is giving up on this guy and taking her family back *WHAT did I win something
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> W*hat I have done is treated this guy how he needs to be treated and he will run to the hills.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> *I can tell by email and phone if they do he is in town a short time so I can do it any time he is here.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





3kidsforlife said:


> I have a ton of questions for you people. *Last night she came home and said she was done with him no matter if she still wanted to be with him or not he says no. She says she will stay at the house and not be happy at all. I am fine with that(got the OM out), she can hate me all she wants right now she is still in the fog.* My question is she bought some bras and underwear and said it wasn't fancy stuff, but bag was there and yup thongs not her kind of every day stuff. Next she said he made her clean her phone of all his information do I ask to see it and call her out on the underwear. Next what kind of shrink should I see?


etc etc

So when did it go physical ?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Wow that was lot to remember! I do not know if it has gone that far with them, I have to assume that. Thanks for reminding of all the stupid stuff I was righting about! I was in a big denial stage wow!

Today was a great day! You guys know the toxic friend of hers, well her ex husband used to be a good friend of mine and he is still single. So he came over today and we talked about everything. He said the way she is acting is to a tee how his wife acted. During that time the kids and there mom stopped over to get a basketball. Since then she has called four times. Finally I answered and she wanted to know about kid exchange tomorrow. Then she called right back were she just basically wanted to chit chat. I said I was busy and hung up.

I think this is funny because she hasn't tried to talk to me in about two weeks. And she sees I am finally moving on with my life! This guy is thinking about moving in with me. Plus a friend who knows what I'm going through. Awesome day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> Wow that was lot to remember! I do not know if it has gone that far with them, I have to assume that. Thanks for reminding of all the stupid stuff I was righting about! I was in a big denial stage wow!
> 
> Today was a great day! You guys know the toxic friend of hers, well her ex husband used to be a good friend of mine and he is still single. So he came over today and we talked about everything. He said the way she is acting is to a tee how his wife acted. During that time the kids and there mom stopped over to get a basketball. Since then she has called four times. Finally I answered and she wanted to know about kid exchange tomorrow. Then she called right back were she just basically wanted to chit chat. I said I was busy and hung up.
> 
> I think this is funny because she hasn't tried to talk to me in about two weeks. And she sees I am finally moving on with my life! This guy is thinking about moving in with me. Plus a friend who knows what I'm going through. Awesome day!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This can't be a bad thing you need the money.
I would consider it.


----------



## nickgtg

*Re: Re: need help with wife emotional affair*



bandit.45 said:


> Preferably about 25, tanned, long black hair past her 20 inch waist, 36D chest, 36" hips, and answers to the name Consuela.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Throw in deaf mute and we have a winner.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## tom67

nickgtg said:


> Throw in deaf mute and we have a winner.
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


:smthumbup:


----------



## bandit.45

Move that buddy of yours in. That's great news!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

It's on his plate now to think about it. I might give the mortgage company a call again. Maybe call my sisters husband again to see if I can refi. I did it about 5 years ago but will have to see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

The hard part is he has two kids and our weekends end up on the same weekend so or kids would all be here on the same weekend. I don't have that many bed rooms. Plus he works construction so he is gone a lot. It would be awesome if it works out. If nothing else I got a good friend back and who is also in need of a good friend. He has spent the last three years in the bars. Told him about both books and would help him out a lot.

He tried nice way backing his wife. Now she just got proposed to on Friday. He is in some pain. But he is way farther along them I am and it helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> The hard part is he has two kids and our weekends end up on the same weekend so or kids would all be here on the same weekend. I don't have that many bed rooms. Plus he works construction so he is gone a lot. It would be awesome if it works out. If nothing else I got a good friend back and who is also in need of a good friend. He has spent the last three years in the bars. Told him about both books and would help him out a lot.
> 
> He tried nice way backing his wife. Now she just got proposed to on Friday. He is in some pain. But he is way farther along them I am and it helps!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I almost feel sorry for the schmuck that proposed.
I said almost.


----------



## nickgtg

Space might be tight, but sometimes you do what you have to do. His kids can sleep with him, on the couch, air mattress, whatever works.

If the kids are around the same age then hey, they have friends to play with.

You can make anything work if you want it bad enough.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## bandit.45

Kids love crowded houses and sleeping in weird places. They'll love it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

tom67 said:


> I almost feel sorry for the schmuck that proposed.
> I said almost.


He said his ex and her man never leave each other because they can't trust each other. It was one of those friends and husband and wife hook ups. He finds it very funny because he is still close to the other wife and they both can tell when they are fighting. He says it's pretty funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

3kidsforlife said:


> Then she called right back were she just basically wanted to chit chat. I said I was busy and hung up.


Best thing you have done YET.


----------



## turnera

Might be good for your kids to have the crazy of having the other kids around during this period. Might make some good friends. And if it doesn't work, he can always move out.


----------



## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> The hard part is he has two kids and our weekends end up on the same weekend so or kids would all be here on the same weekend. I don't have that many bed rooms. Plus he works construction so he is gone a lot. It would be awesome if it works out. If nothing else I got a good friend back and who is also in need of a good friend. He has spent the last three years in the bars. Told him about both books and would help him out a lot.
> 
> He tried nice way backing his wife. Now she just got proposed to on Friday. He is in some pain. But he is way farther along them I am and it helps!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



immagine that... your WW is best friend of his EXW, and you will be Best friends and roomates with your WW ex friend and EXH of her best friend!! COOL!!!!
now immagine how your WW will be wondering.... ahahahahaha


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Wondering what, or is that supposed to be a laugh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I just got a text saying she wants to put all the kids in counseling. Wow do the kids must act up at her house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> So I just got a text saying she wants to put all the kids in counseling. Wow do the kids must act up at her house.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Welcome to her new reality. Be careful what you wish for you might just get it.
Notice how you don't have that problem.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

How should I handle this? I just sent her a text back asking why she thinks this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She says they are behaving very poorly and not happy with new home and split time. Not being able to see the other parent.

What did she expect!!!!!!

The daughter does it some times but that is it! And it's not that bad here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I want to tell what did you think would happen the kids would be happier this way!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nickgtg

Tell her as long as she's paying for it she can take them. 

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## turnera

"Good idea. I know they have to be hurting a lot after seeing their mother break up their family."


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I told her we would have to discuss it later because I have kids only today and I am busy with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

She says "let me know at your covenience, I need this done ASAP for the kids." 

What a &"&&"&$"@@&&@"@@ she is!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> Wondering what, or is that supposed to be a laugh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They say curiosity is female....
So with you staying with her friends ex, she will wonder what you talk about since it's a person in common. the laugh was ment for this


----------



## Squeakr

Suggest that the only go to counseling on her days of visitation if it is that ASAP. LOL


This wouldn't go over well with her and her attorney, so I wouldn't put it in writing when proposing it to her. Counseling is a good option if the kids want it and are willing to go (my kids would have no part in it when we took them, just sat and said nothing so a waste of money for us but we tried), but it should not be something that she does to appease her conscience and on who's dime will this happen, as she supposedly has no money to pay for car, repairs, etc?? Sounds like a way to drain your finances as well.


----------



## Catfish1986

jack.c said:


> They say curiosity is female....
> So with you staying with her friends ex, she will wonder what you talk about since it's a person in common. the laugh was ment for this


I think Jack is on to something!

I believe she's concerned that you will get the down low real info on what's she has been doing. I think she's worried you will find out more about her actions/plans.

Interesting......


----------



## jack.c

I WOULD ONLY SAY that they need to acept the aftermath of her actions, so just give them time to understand


----------



## nickgtg

Therapy can never hurt. I took all three of my kids and after two sessions they all stated they didn't need it anymore.

My three kids know my ex wanted the divorce, and all have become closer to me as a result.

My two daughters even told me that "mommy doesn't deserve you.". 

Your kids know who screwed up your marriage. If they're acting out against their mother, then they may need to talk with someone other than you about their feelings.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## jack.c

Catfish1986 said:


> I think Jack is on to something!
> 
> I believe she's concerned that you will get the down low real info on what's she has been doing. I think she's worried you will find out more about her actions/plans.
> 
> Interesting......



:smthumbup:


----------



## Clay2013

Do the kids actup when they are with you? If they do then counseling is a good idea if they don't and they are only doing it with her then maybe she needs a break from them. Kids often do pick a side and place blame on one parent. My son refused to see his mother for most of two years after our divorce and this was a complete shock to me. He was seriously attached to her prior to the divorce. 

He still to this day has a serious problem with women and treats them horribly. Its still one of my biggest problems I deal with everyday. 

There is nothing wrong with give the kids some time to heal as well. 

Clay


----------



## 3kidsforlife

jack.c said:


> They say curiosity is female....
> So with you staying with her friends ex, she will wonder what you talk about since it's a person in common. the laugh was ment for this


That's probably why she called so much last night. When she knew he was here and maybe going out on the town with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> Wondering what, or is that supposed to be a laugh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whenever Turnera laughs I get scared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> That's probably why she called so much last night. When she knew he was here and maybe going out on the town with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Catfish. She knows this guy is no friend of hers, and she's worried he has dirt to dish on her that you can use against her. She's got her back up against the closet door trying to hold it closed against the mountain of bones pressing behind it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I think that's is who ever said on her time only. She made a comment last night about kid exchange and daycare and I stated I have not put the kids in daycare once. Since this started. She is just trying to go after my time. It hurts her that I can adjust my time to be with the kids and she can't!!!!!!! I will talk to the kids today to see if the need it or not. Or what the problem is. Because they don't act that way here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c

bandit.45 said:


> Whenever Turnera laughs I get scared.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OT

With respect for TURNERA, but it was me who was laughing 

end ot


----------



## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> I think that's is who ever said on her time only. She made a comment last night about kid exchange and daycare and I stated I have not put the kids in daycare once. Since this started. She is just trying to go after my time. It hurts her that I can adjust my time to be with the kids and she can't!!!!!!! I will talk to the kids today to see if the need it or not. Or what the problem is. Because they don't act that way here!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also i do beleive that you need to give her less speach as possible... 180


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I talk to the kids, about why they haven't been calling me or texting me. Also a little about boyfriend and lies. Also about counseling. They tell me all she does is yell at them and not happy, always on the phone. That they do not want to go to counseling. They said if any body does it's her. THEY TELL me she is the one who says no to calling me or texting me and sends them to bed early.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> So I talk to the kids, about why they haven't been calling me or texting me. Also a little about boyfriend and lies. Also about counseling. They tell me all she does is yell at them and not happy, always on the phone. That they do not want to go to counseling. They said if any body does it's her. THEY TELL me she is the one who says no to calling me or texting me and sends them to bed early.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you tell them about the other man? Act like you're concerned that you have heard about a lot of kids turning on the cheating parent and despising the man that broke up their family. Ask her if she thinks the counselor can help with that. Tell her you don't want them growing up thinking their mother is a ____________…


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I am sure I'll here something pretty soon! I called my lawyer right away with in a half an hour an email went right to her attorney. Stating this will stop right now of the kids not being able to call or text there father. And the punishing for trying to do so will also stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

They brought up the POSOM so I told them that is moms boy friend and it is not ok to have a boyfriend when you are married. I also told them that lieng is not ok. They said like mom does every day to us and yells at us!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> They brought up the POSOM so I told them that is moms boy friend and it is not ok to have a boyfriend when you are married. I also told them that lieng is not ok. They said like mom does every day to us and yells at us!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have they met the POSOM ? How ? I thought (a) you had driven him away and (b) he lives in another state.

Does she now see him regularly ?


----------



## Tobyboy

manfromlamancha said:


> Have they met the POSOM ? How ? I thought (a) you had driven him away and (b) he lives in another state.
> 
> Does she now see him regularly ?


Maybe there's a new OM. Someone local. I mentioned this a few pages back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Manfrom it has gone full grown affair! During my convo with the kids she even says I Love You to him. He lives in a Alaska and has family in the next town. She is so childish right now she even had the oldest wear one of his sweats shirts over to my place. Her lawyer emailed back right away and said alaligations were false and this type of behavior will only cause a longer divorce and a harder one and costly for every one!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

3kidsforlife said:


> Manfrom it has gone full grown affair! During my convo with the kids she even says I Love You to him. He lives in a Alaska and has family in the next town. She is so childish right now she even had the oldest wear one of his sweats shirts over to my place. Her lawyer emailed back right away and said alaligations were false and this type of behavior will only cause a longer divorce and a harder one and costly for every one!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow - how many OM has she been involved with? It seems like she was just looking for any OM - not picky. The getting your kid to wear his clothes is unforgivable and very very disrespectful! This is getting worse by the minute!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

No there has only been one man! She has just been very good to hide him from every body. I am so very po right now. The oldest absolutely dispizes his mom does not want to even ever see her again. Even told me he can't waite till he is sixteen because he was told by friends that is when he gets to live where he wants to. The daughter who is 8 just can't take all the lies being told by her mom. I told the kids you have to love your mom she is your mom. 

Her lawyer is trying to go after me as useing them against her and useing them as an emotional cruch. This chick has just gone bizurck. Her life must just be crumbling under her. And apparently her mom has been involved with this the whole time. The pictures that are up at her place that the kids saw. ApperNtly the brother in law saw and was very upset! But who knows. Right now I would never take this women back ever! I can't Waite to find the right one that diseves me and my kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

She's out there brother...waiting for you. Ya gotta have faith. Just keep breathing and moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manfromlamancha

Find out more about this MF POSOM! Then blow his world apart. You are right - she has been very sly and deceitful - all that business about you running off the guy from out of state, all the pretending to be hurt by that, while she was carrying on with this scumbag! Misdirection worthy of the greatest magicians. More to her than I thought.

How long has she been with him ? Get your builder friend to fill you in - maybe he knows?


----------



## bandit.45

Let 'er rip!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

manfromlamancha said:


> Find out more about this MF POSOM! Then blow his world apart. You are right - she has been very sly and deceitful - all that business about you running off the guy from out of state, all the pretending to be hurt by that, while she was carrying on with this scumbag! Misdirection worthy of the greatest magicians. More to her than I thought.
> 
> How long has she been with him ? Get your builder friend to fill you in - maybe he knows?


Intel is your friend.
Family friends beg borrow and sell your body:blow him up!
You get the point.


----------



## carmen ohio

3kidsforlife said:


> No there has only been one man! She has just been very good to hide him from every body. I am so very po right now. The oldest absolutely dispizes his mom does not want to even ever see her again. Even told me he can't waite till he is sixteen because he was told by friends that is when he gets to live where he wants to. The daughter who is 8 just can't take all the lies being told by her mom. I told the kids you have to love your mom she is your mom.
> 
> *Her lawyer is trying to go after me as useing them against her and useing them as an emotional cruch. This chick has just gone bizurck.* Her life must just be crumbling under her. And apparently her mom has been involved with this the whole time. The pictures that are up at her place that the kids saw. ApperNtly the brother in law saw and was very upset! But who knows. Right now I would never take this women back ever! I can't Waite to find the right one that diseves me and my kids!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dear 3kidsforlife,

This could get very nasty. I urge you to speak to your lawyer and tell him that you are depending on him to protect you and your children. Then, stay on top of things and make sure you provide him with all the information he needs about what is going on and that he is doing what he needs to do.

While you have to trust and rely on your lawyer, in the end, it's up to you to make sure he does his job in a way that is best for you and your kids.


----------



## LongWalk

So is he in oil or something? He works in Alaska and comes to your state periodically?


----------



## cool12

3kidsforlife said:


> She says "let me know at your covenience, *I need this done ASAP for the kids.*"
> 
> What a &"&&"&$"@@&&@"@@ she is!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


unfrkinreal.
for the kids? she's one delusional broad!


----------



## 3kidsforlife

My lawyer also recommends that the kids go to council. That way there is a third party to her the kids story. I just hope I get them back in Sunday night and she doesn't try to keep them. I also think at any moment this could get very ugly. I just hope it doesn't. I know the oldest is so upset right now that he would try and run away from her if she pissed him off.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So the mother in law just called me. She tells me that this all needs to stop both sides the kids are broken. Which I can see it also! They hurt more and more each day. We both need to stop and be parents and take car of our kids. Nether one is acting like adults. The kids need to go into counseling right now so they can get there feelings out.

I think I need to suck up some pride right now and be the better person and reach out to the WW and do it for the kids before this gets really out of control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jack.c

3kidsforlife said:


> So the mother in law just called me. She tells me that this all needs to stop both sides the kids are broken. Which I can see it also! They hurt more and more each day. We both need to stop and be parents and take car of our kids. Nether one is acting like adults. The kids need to go into counseling right now so they can get there feelings out.
> 
> I think I need to suck up some pride right now and be the better person and reach out to the WW and do it for the kids before this gets really out of control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



why did'nt you tell her that this is what your WW IS doing NOT YOU!!! WTF!!


----------



## Catfish1986

3kidsforlife said:


> So the mother in law just called me. She tells me that this all needs to stop both sides the kids are broken. Which I can see it also! They hurt more and more each day. We both need to stop and be parents and take car of our kids. Nether one is acting like adults. The kids need to go into counseling right now so they can get there feelings out.
> 
> I think I need to suck up some pride right now and be the better person and reach out to the WW and do it for the kids before this gets really out of control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Call your MIL and tell her that her Daughter needs to start acting like an Adult and Mother not some Selfish, narcissist, sex crazed teenage girl. Tell her to grow up. Act civil. She doesn't have to love you. She does need to love her kids.


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## 3kidsforlife

So in early statements I said god sends us signs. So after talking with the MIL I really hard thought about reaching out to the WW. Not only about the kids but both being civil from here on out and making it as easy as possible for each to move on in our lives.

So I some how just got a text between WW and her sister. She was asking her sister to watch the kids on Wed. while she worked. She has a strict 4 hour watch period for family to watch the kids before asking other parent can watch the kids. I have never been asked to watch the kids for that day yet. I think God sent me a sign!!!!!!! She will just keep this kind of crap up for the rest of my life!


----------



## U.E. McGill

Flood torrents and rain were pounding an old mans house. The national guard rolls up and tells him "get in the truck we'll take you to safety"

"God will keep me safe!"

A couple of hours later with water all around the house a couple of good Samaritans in a boat tell him "get in the boat, we'll take you to safety!"

"God will keep me safe!"


Finally the old man is standing on his roof with a helicopter over his head. The rescue swimmer tells him "GET IN THE BASKET I'LL SAVE YOU!"

"God will keep me safe!"

Three hours later the old man is standing in front of Saint Peter. 

"Hmmm he says. Seems to be a mistake. You're not supposed to be here. "

The old man says "I don't know what happened. I thought god would take care of me?!?"

St Peter looked across his book and said "We sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter! What else did you want?"

Sometimes there's signs all around you. Whether you see them is up to you.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I've been going out with that buddy of mine every night for the last couple of days. Talked to a lot of women, even had one last night that used to rent to the MIL. Which isn't that bad because she is alright but she could be a sugar moma for me.

What I don't get is if she where to walk into my house and say she f'ed up and wants to work on it I probably would still do it. The part I don't know is if it would be for me or the kids


----------



## turnera

If she did that, what would be the first thing you said?

(Note: this is a test)


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I've been told by so many divorce couples the last couple of days that its not if but when she will do this. They all said she will do this!

I think I would say something towards you have a lot of work to do including counciling M or I. Not aloud back in the house for the kids sake divorce continues. If she wanted to stop her side she could. I would attend council with her if I needed to. Tell her I am really affected by every thing that has happened. She would have to do a lot of work!


----------



## turnera

Wrong.

You need to have a prepared list of things you'd require from her before she comes back. 
No contact with other men without your knowledge.
Write No Contact letters to any guy she's in touch with, that YOU approve and send.
Give you her passwords to all electronics.
Agree to hand them over whenever you ask, so you can verify NC. 
Find and arrange for the IC and MC and agree to continue going until you're satisfied you are both in good shape.

You may want to add in a couple other things, like going to her parents or other important people and admitting what she did, so she can see the look on their faces, and ask their forgiveness, in your presence, and maybe a polygraph. Your choice.

Just don't make it easy.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Just an update. Had three great days with the kids. Get them back Thursday night!

The kids tell me mommy is getting a new car on Monday or Tuesday. Great I finally get the car back since she missed the last payment. Trust me I would call the bank and get it repo if it were not for the kids getting places when she has them. But go and drop off kids tonight and no new car! I wonder what happened, could it be your credit sucks!!!! What ever she is giving back 07 camry and the car she is gettin 06 jeep commander. Good luck with the gas.

Drop kids tonight and I notice she was wearing one of my old sweatshirts. I would have though she would have burnt all those!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Good grief, stop reading into things.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

You got it Turnera! What was I thinking!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I have not posted in a while but this one has just dumbfounded me. She has not had the kids for six days now because of the schedule she wanted this month. She did not call to talk to them even once. The daughter called her on the forth night and that was it. She called today to tell me not to pack a lunch for the youngest because she has taken the day off tomorrow to be with them all. I'm just in shock because this is the first sign she has shown towards really missing the kids.


----------



## Dyokemm

My bet is she was probably 'bonding' with POS.


----------



## Chaparral

3kidsforlife said:


> So I have not posted in a while but this one has just dumbfounded me. She has not had the kids for six days now because of the schedule she wanted this month. She did not call to talk to them even once. The daughter called her on the forth night and that was it. She called today to tell me not to pack a lunch for the youngest because she has taken the day off tomorrow to be with them all. I'm just in shock because this is the first sign she has shown towards really missing the kids.


you are keeping detailed records of this, right?


----------



## LongWalk

Terrible performance as mother. Disturbing.

You need to be there for your kids. Don't let her be anymore than a co-parent.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I am text them every night and talk to them about every other night. She was so gun ho about counciling and now nothing. Must have been for her sake. I have to see her today for the first time in about two weeks for taxes. People tell me she looks like death walking because of how much weight she has lost. Don't know how I will react to see her. Good news is today is a snow day in minnesota and she has to spend time with the kids because she has them this weekend. The kids are trying to connect with her but she is not letting them in. 

Just can't understand why she won't connect with them poor poor kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Never mind about taxes she is stuck in the drive way at her moms! No taxes today. So she is forced to spend the day with the kids, hopefully the connect with time today! 

And God sent a sign that I am not ready to see her yet!


----------



## turnera

Text your kids and tell them to ask her to make a table fort and play with them.


----------



## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> Never mind about taxes she is stuck in the drive way at her moms! No taxes today. So she is forced to spend the day with the kids, hopefully the connect with time today!
> 
> And God sent a sign that I am not ready to see her yet!


For a native Minnesotan she sure gets stuck a lot.  Im a transplant from Texas 15 years ago and I have been stuck once. God is on the alert for you.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

tdwal She didn't get that Jeep she wanted she got the same car as before just black and less fancy. Trust me I believe God is always looking out for me lately. You just have to watch out for the signs.


----------



## tdwal

3kidsforlife said:


> tdwal She didn't get that Jeep she wanted she got the same car as before just black and less fancy. Trust me I believe God is always looking out for me lately. You just have to watch out for the signs.


Not to TJ here but all Jeeps and 4x4's give you is overconfidence and gets you stuck deeper.  Besides a 4x4 gets you started it don't help you turn or stop. I don't think the Jeep would help her either.


----------



## lostmyreligion

3kidsforlife said:


> tdwal She didn't get that Jeep she wanted she got the same car as before just black and less fancy. Trust me I believe God is always looking out for me lately. You just have to watch out for the signs.


I live in BC and so am a bit confused. Between the mountains and the snow, roads here are some of the worst imaginable in winter. But still, people rarely get stuck, and no, not everyone has a 4wd.

Minnesota's kinda flat isn't it? (honest question - never been)

If so, how do you get so stuck in a driveway that you can't dig yourself out?:scratchhead: 

What kinda rubber is she running? Are they actual winter tires or 'All Seasons'?


----------



## Squeakr

tdwal said:


> Not to TJ here but all Jeeps and 4x4's give you is overconfidence and gets you stuck deeper.  Besides a 4x4 gets you started it don't help you turn or stop. I don't think the Jeep would help her either.


Not a fair assessment, as most 4x4's these days aren't true 4x4's in any sense of the word except they have 4 wheels and all 4 wheels can be powered at some point. They are just some whimpy wannabe version with limited slip differentials abound. However, most Jeeps I have found are like Mountain Goats in the snow and not bad on ice either, as long as the tires are good and one takes it slow (better than most other vehicles in the same conditions). Give me a good ole 65 Chevy with locking front hubs and solid axles no limited slip crap. There is a 4x4 machine!! (Lived 25 years on the Wisconsin/ IL border and rarely got stuck, of course I lived in the boonies where the nearest neighbor was 2 miles away and the nearest town was 25 miles away and through the worst winters on record Winter of '79 baby).

Thread jack over.


----------



## doubletrouble

Tj not over yet -- I grew up in western Montana (the Rocky side) and never had 4WD. never thought I needed it. As a kid, I drove bald tires a lot; they actually worked well on ice (not as well on snow) but I can't remember ever getting stuck. 

W from Oregon though and has never driven in snow and doesn't want or like to. 

OK my TJ is over lol


----------



## 3kidsforlife

I have talked to kids more today then the last couple of days. They helped her get unstuck. We had over 12 inches of snow over night in April. Her new used little Camry couldn't handle the snow.

The oldest has a B-Ball tournament this weekend so I guess I'll have to see her tomorrow. At least I get to see the kids on my day off. I guess we will see how see acts around all of our old kids friends. I know I'm going to be Alpha all the way! She has stopped talking to all our old friends but I haven't.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

turnera said:


> Text your kids and tell them to ask her to make a table fort and play with them.


I talked to the oldest and since she got unstuck. And they don't have internet or tv he is making her take them some place to watch the Twins ballgame.


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> I talked to the oldest and since she got unstuck. And they don't have internet or tv he is making her take them some place to watch the Twins ballgame.


I was watching the game yesterday...
Sox and Twins are both going to have long years
Oh well end hijack.


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> I talked to the oldest and since she got unstuck. And they don't have internet or tv he is making her take them some place to watch the Twins ballgame.


Wow, sounds like the stone ages over there. Do they sit around a candle, read books, and listen to the old Philco???


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Squeakr said:


> Wow, sounds like the stone ages over there. Do they sit around a candle, read books, and listen to the old Philco???


The town has one main internet provider and its down. Plus the storm took out the dish. What ever its making her spend time with just them!


----------



## Squeakr

3kidsforlife said:


> The town has one main internet provider and its down. Plus the storm took out the dish. What ever its making her spend time with just them!


Ahh, so they have it, it is just down at the moment. This makes more sense.

I misunderstood and took that statement to mean they didn't have it at all and given her financial issues and situation, I wouldn't have been surprised to hear that.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So I need some advise from u all! I just got a text asking about a wedding that we both got invited to in may. We both got RSVP individually and they are do. 

She asked if I was going so she could say no if I was. I simple stated its that bad that you wouldn't go if i did. She says you won't even talk to me, do you think it would be a good idea for both of us to go? 

Since I didn't answer her she later text back "I don't want the embarrassment if something were to come up at the wedding. Please let me know."

The wedding is on my weekend with the kids its an hour drive. But the Groom did tell me that him and his wife would rather have me come than her.


----------



## Squeakr

You could RSVP and ask the groom and bride not to seat both of you at the same table, so as to minimize the interaction. Seems like it would be hard not support someone that thinks highly enough about you to want to share their "happiest" day with their closest friends and relatives (and pay for you to be there, as receptions cost).


----------



## tom67

3kidsforlife said:


> So I need some advise from u all! I just got a text asking about a wedding that we both got invited to in may. We both got RSVP individually and they are do.
> 
> She asked if I was going so she could say no if I was. I simple stated its that bad that you wouldn't go if i did. She says you won't even talk to me, do you think it would be a good idea for both of us to go?
> 
> Since I didn't answer her she later text back "I don't want the embarrassment if something were to come up at the wedding. Please let me know."
> 
> The wedding is on my weekend with the kids its an hour drive. But the Groom did tell me that him and his wife would rather have me come than her.


Then go have a good time mingling with the single ladies.


----------



## Nucking Futs

3kidsforlife said:


> So I need some advise from u all! I just got a text asking about a wedding that we both got invited to in may. We both got RSVP individually and they are do.
> 
> She asked if I was going so she could say no if I was. I simple stated its that bad that you wouldn't go if i did. She says you won't even talk to me, do you think it would be a good idea for both of us to go?
> 
> Since I didn't answer her she later text back "I don't want the embarrassment if something were to come up at the wedding. Please let me know."
> 
> The wedding is on my weekend with the kids its an hour drive. But the Groom did tell me that him and his wife would rather have me come than her.


Tell her you're going and she should stay home since it's bad luck to have a cheater at a wedding.


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> Tell her you're going and she should stay home since it's bad luck to have a cheater at a wedding.


----------



## bandit.45

3kidsforlife said:


> But the Groom did tell me that him and his wife would rather have me come than her.


Well yeah.

They don't want a cheating adulteress there to jinx their marriage.

Go alone. If they are having a reception with a band or DJ, scope out a single gal close to your age and dance with her all night until her feet fall off.


----------



## Catfish1986

bandit.45 said:


> Well yeah.
> 
> They don't want a cheating adulteress there to jinx their marriage.
> 
> Go alone. If they are having a reception with a band or DJ, scope out a single gal close to your age and dance with her all night until her feet fall off.


Great idea! Ask for the guest list in advance. Start looking for the available Single Gals or see if they know one you could invite.


----------



## jim123

Switch and go.


----------



## 3kidsforlife

So don't know what to do. Talked to the WW today and she want to talk about everything!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## U.E. McGill

Tell her to talk to a girlfriend.


----------



## turnera

"Are you ready to agree to my terms? No? Then we have nothing to talk about."


----------



## LongWalk

Turnera,

Why not talk? 3Kids need not say too much. If he listens carefully and lets her know that he understands what she is saying. He can conclude by saying that if it R she want, it has to be according to his conditions.


----------



## turnera

Do you trust him to be strong enough to do that?


----------



## 3kidsforlife

Turnera and long walk you are correct that is what she wanted to talk about! She misses me and our old life. I listened and told her my rules main one she stops talking to POS and she didn't know if that is what she could do. She did not think life would be like this. She did not think I would move on that fast with out her. She knows my some of the important rules! And she hung up crying her heart out! I am so close to indifferent I don't know if at this point I could take her back. That is a real hard question to ask my self!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

You did well.


----------



## bigfoot

3kids, pardon my interjection. I know that you are following the 180 and getting great advice on that. She is freaking out because she can't have her cake and eat it too. She can't go NC with POS and that really burns me. This brings me to my interruption. It may be rejected and strongly condemned, but here goes:

Next time you talk, let her know that you are beginning to understand why she can't go NC with this guy. Tell her that you are starting to get close to a lady who has really been coming after you hard. this "new woman" really gets you and you think about her more and more and there is just something about her that you thought you could only feel for your wife. Its confusing, but you like it and think you want to see where it goes. Then stop. End it with, I just never realized why you could not cut POS off and be with me, but now that I have someone who gets me and wants me... Later, you can tell her that you decided to end it, until you guys were officially done as that would be toying with the other woman. (I know it is such a mind fu*&)

Its a mind game. Its risky. It is a go big or go home kind of thing. It also violates the well established 180, which is established for good reason. Just, if you break it, have something as a back up. I take no offense if this idea is slammed by seasoned posters. Y


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## Nucking Futs

bigfoot said:


> 3kids, pardon my interjection. I know that you are following the 180 and getting great advice on that. She is freaking out because she can't have her cake and eat it too. She can't go NC with POS and that really burns me. This brings me to my interruption. It may be rejected and strongly condemned, but here goes:
> 
> Next time you talk, let her know that you are beginning to understand why she can't go NC with this guy. Tell her that you are starting to get close to a lady who has really been coming after you hard. this "new woman" really gets you and you think about her more and more and there is just something about her that you thought you could only feel for your wife. Its confusing, but you like it and think you want to see where it goes. Then stop. End it with, I just never realized why you could not cut POS off and be with me, but now that I have someone who gets me and wants me... Later, you can tell her that you decided to end it, until you guys were officially done as that would be toying with the other woman. (I know it is such a mind fu*&)
> 
> Its a mind game. Its risky. It is a go big or go home kind of thing. It also violates the well established 180, which is established for good reason. Just, if you break it, have something as a back up. I take no offense if this idea is slammed by seasoned posters. Y


That's a great idea. Give up the moral high ground and show her that she's clearly doing nothing wrong since he's decided to do it too. Yep, if your goal is an open marriage this is going to get you there. 

If your goal is divorce this will slow things down and if your goal is reconciliation to a normal marriage this will kill it outright. So I guess it may not be such a great idea, depending on what you want.


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## 3kidsforlife

That is the thing I have met some one. You can say a FWB type of person where I could break it off at any point and it would not affect either one at any point. I would never want a real relationship with this friend but she has helped me get through some very hard times already. The WW has heard I am out see other women and that is partially probably what brought her to the phone call. She still refuses to tell me that they have ever gone physical with POS. So I will have to wait and were she goes with this phone conversation but I refuse to think about it any more than this paragraph!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoktorFun

3kidsforlife said:


> That is the thing I have met some one. You can say a FWB type of person where I could break it off at any point and it would not affect either one at any point. I would never want a real relationship with this friend but she has helped me get through some very hard times already. The WW has heard I am out see other women and that is partially probably what brought her to the phone call. She still refuses to tell me that they have ever gone physical with POS. So I will have to wait and were she goes with this phone conversation but I refuse to think about it any more than this paragraph!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is your life and I wish you very well, really.

Let's be honest here. 
If You will try reconcile with this woman, it will be another "Epic Fail" like many stories around and You will be back on TAM.


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## LongWalk

Take the FWB relationship for what it is.

Keep communication with WW to a minimum.

Her honesty is good and bad. Good that she admitted she will have trouble with NC. That is better than a right out lie.

You need your WW to completely capitulate. You need her email and messaging. But do you want be a pvssy police, guarding her heart and panties. Flattering for her; tiring for you.


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## Chaparral

LongWalk said:


> Take the FWB relationship for what it is.
> 
> Keep communication with WW to a minimum.
> 
> Her honesty is good and bad. Good that she admitted she will have trouble with NC. That is better than a right out lie.
> 
> You need your WW to completely capitulate. You need her email and messaging. But do you want be a pvssy police, guarding her heart and panties. Flattering for her; tiring for you.


But bad that she wouldn't admit or deny a physical affair. There is only one reason to avoid the truth. At least she doesn't lie and say she hasn't.


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## WhiteRaven

The best way to deal with deal her? *IGNORE*. She isn't worth sh*t.


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## 3kidsforlife

The bad part is that this talk has set me back a bit. I now want to call her and that hurts. i just want to ask is this something you want to work on or not. Im pretty sure the proper course of action should let her come to me but the unknown is killing me!


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## WhiteRaven

3kidsforlife said:


> The bad part is that this talk has set me back a bit. I now want to call her and that hurts. i just want to ask is this something you want to work on or not. Im pretty sure the proper course of action should let her come to me but the *unknown is killing me*!


So you want the known to kill you?


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## turnera

What's there to be unknown about? If she wanted you, you'd know by now.


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## 3kidsforlife

The unknown is that she made comments like this was more of a seperation than a divorce at this point. She says all she has done is got lawyers involved. She has not filed the paper work for the actual divorce. The unknown is that I do not understand where she is at with US. She is sending mixed signals.


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## Tobyboy

3kidsforlife said:


> The unknown is that she made comments like this was more of a seperation than a divorce at this point. She says all she has done is got lawyers involved. She has not filed the paper work for the actual divorce. The unknown is that I do not understand where she is at with US. She is sending mixed signals.


The "unknown" is called limbo. It's used to keep you in her control while she eats cake. If she really wanted to be with you....she would. No mixed signals here. Look at her actions....not her words.


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## LongWalk

You know that she has been fornicating with OM. True or false?

She filed for divorce. True or False?

She has alienated your children. True or False?

She wants to keep her options open. True or False?

You have created a boundary that she cannot question. T or F?

If you feel that you want clarity, you can always write her a message:



> WW,
> 
> You left our marriage so that you could cheat. That means we must divorce. So when you come out of the blue to say you are uncertain, allow me to set you straight.
> 
> We are getting divorced because that is what you want. Your actions have done the talking. When you engage in relationship talk you are just filling the sky with smoke. When the smoke clears the facts will remain. You are involved with another man and we need to divorce so that you can be with him.
> 
> Good times we had but it is time to be moving on. Good luck.


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## bfree

She is doing things with another man that she should only be doing with her husband. What is unknown?


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## Chaparral

She isn't confused. She wants her family back and the other man on the side.

Ask her if she will come back and you will let her still see the other man. When she says yes, tell her to go to H---.


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## BobSimmons

My friend I was I had this board when I was going through my troubles, the wishy washy thinking you're displaying is exactly the type of why I used to think.

Very carefully, put down your heart and start thinking with your head because the only time you are wasting is your own.

There is absolutely zero to be "confused" about. You create this confusion on your own because you want the indecision, you want the choices taken out of your hands. You don't want to make the hard decisions, so it wishy washy.

LongWalk put it down succinctly. There are no mitigating factors between the two of you, it's very simple. Had she wanted to be with you she would have done what was necessary to win you back..what do I mean? What would you have done to win her back if the shoe was on the other foot..probably everything. So how is it as the man that got screwed over you're doing all the heavy work?

Dude. 73 pages of rock solid advice. Like I said I wish I had this forum when I was going through my problems. It cuts through all the BS and gets to the facts, the cold hard truth. Start dealing in absolutes, start dealing with truths not fantasies or what you hope for, because what you hope for is to get back with her. What she hopes for is to be with him but she's keeping you on the side as insurance. 

The truth. The truth shall set you free.


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## tdwal

Whats happening?


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## 3kidsforlife

TDWAL sorry have not been on here in a long time. Stuck with everybody did the 180. Totally became a better person took more care of myself and my kids. Followed the signs that God sent me. My life has gotten a lot better.

As far as the divorce it has stopped. Never even made it to court. She ran out of money and had mixed feelings about it. We are kind of making an attempt at making things work. We have had some nights talking alone. One night talking while she brought the kids and their friends over to my house to spend the night. Where she spent the night also(nothing happened I made sure of that). The most we have done is hugged and kissed and expressed our emotions to each other. We have talked about a new MC called discernment that a family member suggested to us. She was the one who has kind of came back to me with all this. I was going full bore towards divorce. But I am only two weeks into all this starting to happen. So don't know much yet. We still aren't talking that much.

Both of us have very busy lives right now with sharing kid time and not letting them in on it. So sticking to the 180 for the most part and holding my heart where she can't touch it. Knowing no matter what I can make it through this. Thank you all so much for all your help!!!!!!!!!!!


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## illwill

Obviously if you were serious about the divorce you would be divorced.

Make sure she is there because she loves you not because she ran out of money.

Glad to hear you are at peace.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

illwill said:


> Obviously if you were serious about the divorce you would be divorced.
> 
> *Make sure she is there because she loves you not because she ran out of money.*
> Glad to hear you are at peace.


THIS.

Nail, meet hammer.


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## workindad

When my XWW ran out of money she came running back as well. I wouldn't and won't have anything to do with that. I'm not saying that your situation is the same, but that is a troubling indicator.

Glad you are at peace.


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## lordmayhem

3kidsforlife said:


> As far as the divorce it has stopped. Never even made it to court. She ran out of money and had mixed feelings about it.


*You are only Plan B*. If she had the money, she would have divorced you. How do you accept that? Just a little more money and you'd be tossed in the garbage.



3kidsforlife said:


> We are kind of making an attempt at making things work.


No. You are living in limbo, simple as that.


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## SevenYears

I must say I agree with lordmayhem. I've just gone through the whole thread and I could see where it was going. It's similar to a lot of other threads I've read and stuff that's happened with friends.

I can understand you wanting her back. You've been together for a long time and it's hard to end it. 

The problem is that your plan B and there is a good chance you always will be. She may still be seeing him. Or she might have realised it wasn't going to work. In the end she doesn't lose much. She got to have her fun with OM and still gets to keep her marriage.

If you get back together sometime in the future she may find a new OM, say she want's to divorce (This is so she can say she's not a cheater) and have fun with them. This is like people who aren't married will ask for a break so they can sleep with someone else and have no guilt.

But, the decision of what to do is up to you. I can write on here what I would do but it's not my life. I won't be effected by whatever choice you make. Only you will. So you have to really think what will make you happy. And not what would make us happy if we were in your situation.


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## turnera

Just do me one favor: do NOT let her move back in.

Not for AT LEAST one year. Why? Because that's as close as you can come to proving that she didn't choose you just for money and convenience. If she can make it on her own for another year without asking you for money, just maybe she really wants her marriage back. (Plus, she'll have to work a little to get you back.)


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## Chaparral

What happened with the other man? Wasn't he married with children but was still in contact with your wife?


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## BobSimmons

The freight train going full bore only to U-turn. She came back because she ran out of money.. wow, just wow. To each his own I guess,the heart was never truly in it to divorce. The fact it's not full R but in OP's words "kind of making an attempt at making things work." shows the..and sorry for this word.. halfassity of it all.

Two people. One didn't want to D, one wanted to but ran out of money so with nothing to lose went back to OP.

This would be a 90 instead of a 180. 180 is detachment and independence. Good luck with it all..


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## illwill

BobSimmons said:


> The freight train going full bore only to U-turn. She came back because she ran out of money.. wow, just wow. To each his own I guess,the heart was never truly in it to divorce. The fact it's not full R but in OP's words "kind of making an attempt at making things work." shows the..and sorry for this word.. halfassity of it all.
> 
> Two people. One didn't want to D, one wanted to but ran out of money so with nothing to lose went back to OP.
> This would be a 90 instead of a 180. 180 is detachment and independence. Good luck with it all..


Halfassity is not a word.


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## BobSimmons

illwill said:


> Halfassity is not a word.


That's is why I apologized for using it but could have made up others, but thanks for pointing that out..no wonder it wasn't in the dictionary or had the red line under it


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## Chaparral

illwill said:


> Halfassity is not a word.


It is now. I just read and understood it. Fortunately, there are no elected word police, just self appointed word nazis, :rofl:


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## the guy

"Word police"....

Man I would be in some serious trouble.


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## doubletrouble

illwill said:


> Halfassity is not a word.


Uhhh -- I like it!


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## Hicks

illwill said:


> Halfassity is not a word.


But it should be.


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## Nucking Futs

illwill said:


> Halfassity is not a word.


It's as much a word as d o u c h e b a g g e r y.


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## bfree

Nucking Futs said:


> It's as much a word as d o u c h e b a g g e r y.


Yesterday I coined the word "chore-ish." Maybe we should start a new dictionary?


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