# I don't know what to do...



## tasnimx (Jun 19, 2016)

My husband and I have been together 8 years and married 2 years with a baby too. Before we got married we were both sexually active and there didn't seem to be any problems apart from the fact that he had cheated me once. I obviously forgave him and tried my very best to move on. At the end of the day he was my first love and we'd been together for so long I didn't really want to jeopardise our relationship. 

We got married 2 years ago putting everything behind us to start fresh as a married couple. We weren't being as sexually active as we used to be either and I just put it down to him working around the clock (I would have thought he'd still have it in him considering he's only 22) 

Anyway, we didn't really have sex often and it was mainly him coming home and asking me to give him oral then him literally falling asleep. It went on like this for a good year. I then became pregnant and during pregnancy my sex drive was quite high & everytime I asked him he'd say he can't be bothered and when it suited him he'd want me to give him oral. I tried everything. After I gave birth (2 months ago) I asked him again heart to heart because I felt like I wasn't getting attention, love or anything for that matter. He then said he'd try.

I feel like he makes no effort whatsoever when it comes down to either making me happy or satisfying my needs rather than me always giving him oral. I don't feel no love anymore either. I'm sincerely upset too and hate thinking about this. 

Each and every time I confront him, he says things like 'I'm not a porn star you know' or 'immediately knackered or tired' I'm sick of his constant excuses. I'm also exhausted and tired, I'm currently sleep deprived with looking after our newborn too and still I need some love and attention. Why is twit that it's okay for him to get oral off me everytime when I get nothing in return? 

He always wants me to have phone sex with other men & he always says things like cheat on me because it turns me on. (I find that extremely disturbing) I've told him how I feel about this but he doesn't seem to care. When he's working he'll text me to talk dirty to him about me and other guys and make up stories etc, he never asks how I am or even have any sort of interest in ME.

Am I being silly and over thinking too much? Should I stop asking him for sex and love?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Stop giving him oral. That's not hard to do. 

My other response was "Nope".


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## tasnimx (Jun 19, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Stop giving him oral. That's not hard to do.
> 
> My other response was "Nope".


Each time I say no to oral he'll give me the silent treatment and I feel like I haven't done anything wrong to deserve the silent treatment, I also just do it because I feel if I don't he'll go elsewhere to get it and I just want to keep him happy.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He is already getting some elsewhere.

What kind of support services do they have in the UK for single moms?

And where does he get the money for the coke?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

tasnimx said:


> Each time I say no to oral he'll give me the silent treatment and I feel like I haven't done anything wrong to deserve the silent treatment, I also just do it because I feel if I don't he'll go elsewhere to get it and I just want to keep him happy.


Honey, I'm not sure you CAN make him happy. Truth is, sounds like he is not a happy camper, period, and there's nothing you can do about it, from my initial observation based on your post. And it isn't your job to make him happy. Meet his sexual needs, perhaps, but only if he's sharing that and it is reciprocal, but he's just generally not a happy guy. And each of us is responsible for our own happiness. If stuff is going on at work and he's too "knackered" or tired, he needs to deal with the problem at work that's causing his unhappiness.

He's probably still with the woman he cheated on you with before you got married, or he may have found a new one. That business about you having phone sex with guys makes my stomach churn. 

And ultimately, I think he has a pretty twisted view of love, and intimacy, really are. 

It almost sounds like he gets his education in sex and intimacy from porn movies.


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## tasnimx (Jun 19, 2016)

TeddieG said:


> tasnimx said:
> 
> 
> > Each time I say no to oral he'll give me the silent treatment and I feel like I haven't done anything wrong to deserve the silent treatment, I also just do it because I feel if I don't he'll go elsewhere to get it and I just want to keep him happy.
> ...


He does like watching porn too so I'm assuming all that comes from there. He doesn't do much work it's only on weekends and his 'knackered' excuse is every other day.


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## tasnimx (Jun 19, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> He is already getting some elsewhere.
> 
> What kind of support services do they have in the UK for single moms?
> 
> And where does he get the money for the coke?


Barely any support system for single mums. I just don't know how to go about things. I'm confused and just want things sorted. Thank you for your comments & when he makes money on the weekend jobs he does he'll give me some money to take care of and some he'll take saying to me he wants if for 'food and cigarettes'


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Prepare to leave.

Pack your stuff.

Pack the babies stuff.

Stuff his pack-of-lies where the sun don't shine.


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## tasnimx (Jun 19, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Prepare to leave.
> 
> Pack your stuff.
> 
> ...


Shall I go now? it's 4:33am and I'm currently at his mum and dads


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

He's 22, you've been together for 8 years, you have a baby. (Did I read all of that right?) I'm betting he feels "stuck", and that this isn't the life he expected to be having at this age. Marriage and/or children that young isn't for everybody. Early 20's is usually the time when one sows their oats, has a good time, but also learns how to be a proper adult in the process.

I did this with my ex wife. We were late teens when we started dating, mid-20's when we married, early 30's when we divorced. One of the first things she said to me afterwards was that I "stole her 20's" from her, as though it was my fault. We had no kids, I didn't force her into anything, least of all marriage, she wanted to buy a house instead of rent, put down roots, etc etc etc. Yet I was to blame for taking away her party years.  She married the guy she left me for. Figure that one out. She'll probably accuse him of taking away her 30's, or resent him for them living 3000 miles away from her family (which is a distinct possibly, as he has roots in another country, and she had to marry him in order to stay there. They even moved back here, but it only lasted a few months, apparently.) But I digress...

This is not uncommon in marriages in which the couple are young, or have been together since they were young. 9 times out of 10, these types of relationships don't work. Yes, there are the occasional ones that last, in which 2 people are together from an early age - there are some of those folks here on TAM. But without the benefit of relationship experience and variety, it can open up many different problems and issues, least of all not knowing how to deal with certain situations. Some can overcome that, some simply don't have these issues, but again, that is rare. Exceedingly so. My ex wife (provided she's still married) hasn't been single since she was 16, literally. Not even for a day. She'd be late 30's now. And I admit, I didn't do a whole lot of dating, but I had more than enough experience and time being single, to at least have a head start on being a good husband. And that's what dating's about - experience and learning, generally to prepare yourself for marriage.

It's probably a weak analogy, but it's much like somebody thinking they can play a sport at a higher level than they actually can, simply because they watch it regularly. With sport, you need practice before you can compete at any level, let alone play in the big leagues. There are the rare few who are naturals, but odds are, you're not one.

Apart from all of that - the "why's" don't really matter. He treats you like crap, uses you, and seems to resent you. You don't have to stay with him. No matter what excuses you make (financial, etc.) you DON'T have to stay with him.

This is the mistake SO many people make in bad marriages - that they somehow think the alternative is worse, therefore they justify staying.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

tasnimx said:


> He always wants me to have phone sex with other men & he always says things like cheat on me because it turns me on. (I find that extremely disturbing) I've told him how I feel about this but he doesn't seem to care. When he's working he'll text me to talk dirty to him about me and other guys and make up stories etc, he never asks how I am or even have any sort of interest in ME.
> 
> Am I being silly and over thinking too much? Should I stop asking him for sex and love?


Your husband feels incapable of pleasing you and has an underlying fear of abandonment. If he can control the idea of you "using" other men for your pleasure while staying married with him to feel "loved," then you might see why such things make him happy. 

He either needs to develop as a person, or you can cater to his personality through various forms of role play or actually using other men in an open marriage.

I would advise you use his fear of abandonment to try and motivate him. Pretend to be very enthusiastic about leaving him for a year to go live overseas with another man, and promise to call about once a month just to check in on him and see how he is doing. Arrange for a friend (perhaps a distant/trusted family member of yours like an aunt) of yours to correspond with you in such a way that makes this believable for him. If he does not change be prepared to go, visit this "friend" for a months (with your child) and write back to him as if you don't care. He will either suddenly change, or you will realize that you need to leave him. 

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is all very concerning to me too, as he is probably cheating on you again.

If we set that very likely suspicion on the shelf and deal with just your sexual relationship, I would say tell him your happy to give him a Betty Jean, but from now on you need to cum first. If he isn't willing to do that, you probably don't have anything left worth saving. Sorry honey...you sound sweet, I wish you the best.


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## tasnimx (Jun 19, 2016)

Thank you for your advice, I will try this.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The bottom line is your H does not care for you the way you care for him. He wants you to be with other men, he refuses you intimacy and shows complete disinterest. These are not at all good signs. I would like to say that things will improve but the chances of that are very slim, practically non existent. Rather than improve I fear they will actually deteriorate. If you have a way out it may be prudent to consider your options at this point.


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