# I've lost sexual desire in my marriage...



## mamaE (Jan 19, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. Over the past few years, the sex aspect of our marriage has been lacking. I am quite certain this is all on me. My husband has always had a healthy drive and finds me very attractive. I am the one who has gotten worse with time. My husband is a very good man and we share a very special connection, and I do love him very much. But sometimes I wonder if I love him more as a best friend than as a lover... I knew he was "average looking" from the start, but we did have a sexual connection in the beginning. So I know it was there at one point! But it seems as though my attraction to him has and continues to fade with time and it terrified me. I do know that him gaining weight over the years is a reason for my loss of attraction to his body, but shouldn't we still be able to have a healthy sex life?
To be honest everything is working against me...We've struggled with infertility for years so sex quickly became very mundane. After I had our daughter, it only became worse when I suffered through depression. I have now been on medication that is proven to lower libido (I can't get a break!).
While we are quite happy and share wonderful moments as a family...I know in order to keep our marriage as strong as it needs to be...something probably needs to change in regards to our intimacy. Sometimes I try to convince myself that we'll get by, just so long as I make sure he is happy sexually...but I realize that I need it too. I have started having vivid inappropriate dreams that make me feel awful in the morning because I know that I can't just live my life pretending I don't need a good sex life.
So why can't I make one with my husband?! It drives me crazy that I just cannot get myself in the mood. I've even had all of my hormone levels checked and the doctor says I'm healthy.
To be honest...my deepest fears are just that my love for him is fading and my marriage will end in divorce like my parents. Even though everything else in our marriage is great now...will the lack of passion ruin it in the future?


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Your sexual fulfillment is every bit as important as his is, if not more. Maybe you need to hang up the altruistic coat a while and put instead on the It's Me Time wardrobe.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Did you say anything to him about how you feel? I think you should, just so he won't come to his own conclusions. Did you have an active sex life before marriage or is this your first sexual relationship?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The men are gonna be so angry about this post...

It's normal. It's normal to have your sex drive drop after you become a mother, it's normal to even lose a bit of attraction toward your husband because his role has changed from lover to father. And if he has gained weight, become soft it makes it even more pronounced that he is more his new role than his old role.

Speaking of roles, when was the last time you both shrugged off the house coats and dad slacks and went out, without talking about the baby, the home, or the family? This needs to be happening at least twice a month, once a week would be best.

There are several other things that you can do to get your sex drive back it's up to you to do the work. You have to put sex on your brain every day. Read dirty stories, look at erotic pictures, masturbate every day. You don't have to masturbate to orgasm, just have to touch yourself in the places that feel best and wake up your brain. It's important to wake up that brain. The more you knock on the door by touching yourself, the more your brain seeks out those pleasure centers. Don't allow stress to stop you from touching yourself or from touching your husband.

During this time, make sure your husband knows you are trying to get your sex drive back and here is how he can help. He needs to be more affectionate. Sexy dirty affectionate, but not clingy and not demanding. He could send you flirty text messages.

The most important thing he needs to do is to up his appearance! He needs to be well groomed, dressed well smelling sexy, and working out is a great way to make him appear a lot sexier.

Know this, a good marriage will become a great marriage with a good sex life. A great marriage will be close to miserable with a lousy sex life that lasts too long. So yeah, sex is important.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Great post Anon! The hubby needs to know that he needs to put forth effort to be attractive to the wife, and not just ask for sex and expect to get some. The courting process is what attracts in the first place, people seem to forget that. Just because you are married does not mean great sex is guaranteed, staying attractive is important. The OP has sex on the brain, but it seems that she is not attracted to her hubby, that is the problem.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks techmom. They both have to work at it.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

mamaE said:


> My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. Over the past few years, the sex aspect of our marriage has been lacking. I am quite certain this is all on me. My husband has always had a healthy drive and finds me very attractive. I am the one who has gotten worse with time. My husband is a very good man and we share a very special connection, and I do love him very much. But sometimes I wonder if I love him more as a best friend than as a lover... I knew he was "average looking" from the start, but we did have a sexual connection in the beginning. So I know it was there at one point! But it seems as though my attraction to him has and continues to fade with time and it terrified me. I do know that him gaining weight over the years is a reason for my loss of attraction to his body, but shouldn't we still be able to have a healthy sex life?
> To be honest everything is working against me...We've struggled with infertility for years so sex quickly became very mundane. After I had our daughter, it only became worse when I suffered through depression. I have now been on medication that is proven to lower libido (I can't get a break!).
> While we are quite happy and share wonderful moments as a family...I know in order to keep our marriage as strong as it needs to be...something probably needs to change in regards to our intimacy. Sometimes I try to convince myself that we'll get by, just so long as I make sure he is happy sexually...but I realize that I need it too. I have started having vivid inappropriate dreams that make me feel awful in the morning because I know that I can't just live my life pretending I don't need a good sex life.
> So why can't I make one with my husband?! It drives me crazy that I just cannot get myself in the mood. I've even had all of my hormone levels checked and the doctor says I'm healthy.
> To be honest...my deepest fears are just that my love for him is fading and my marriage will end in divorce like my parents. Even though everything else in our marriage is great now...will the lack of passion ruin it in the future?



Your hubby should be weight training and eating healthy, so he's in great shape for you now, like when you got married. If he let himself go, I can't blame you on loosing sexual interest in him. He has to man up and get fit and sexy for you again.

Check out sex sites (stores and online) and find toys he could use on you that would give you mind blowing orgasms. And sensual oils, candles, feathers, movies, kink it up a bit.....

What are your fantasies? Tell him and get him to do them with you.

But the bottom line is he let himself go, you don't find him hot anymore, and its killing your sex drive for him. He has to get fit for you or risk loosing you down the road. Tell him his weight is a major issue and you're willing to work with him on this. Clean and healthy foods in the house. No more junk foods. If you cook, make sure he has high protein low calorie meals.


----------



## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

So, I realize this is going to piss off the women, but I find it sad that you were okay with your husband when it came time to try to have a child, but now that you have your child you are not. So, one could assume you got what you wanted, and now that you have that, the desire has waned. Yes? 

I also find some of the responses on here strange. If a guy said his wife had put on some weight and he was not interested in her anymore, I think he would get roasted on this board. 

Having said all that, I think your H deserves for you to be honest with him. A kind, compassionate, yet honest conversation would be the best first step. I would also suggest MC so you can work on these issues together. Something tells me it just isn't the fact that your husband put on some weight.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

if a man gains weight and it decreases his sex appeal that is just a fact you cannot wish away. How much weight?

Does he work out at all?


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

The weight is only one of many factors affecting the intimacy in this marriage. There was the natural break in the rhythm of sex during pregnancy and birth. That was followed by depression. Now the wife is on meds that apparently lower her desires. And it doesn't sound like sex before pregnancy was that hot. After all those things add in the appearance and weight as another factor. 
But if the weight is the top reason for the cessation of desire, then I'd say there may be other relationship problems. 
Not that external appearances aren't important but I'd say if that is at the top of the list then any relationship may lack a deep and abiding foundation. 
In my own marriage, there has been some weight gain on both sides but we still go at it like teenagers and sustain deep desire for one another. 
I wouldn't focus on the weight stuff too much. I think there are more serious problems.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I don't think the anti depressants help at all.

At the same time depression is not good for a sex drive either. 

Not thinking your partner is sexually appealing cannot be good. 

I also think there are deeper issues. You need to work on the root of your depression rather than just mask it with drugs.

Get out , try be more active , go on a diet do what needs to be done to boost your bodies feel good hormones. Consider weaning yourself off the drugs once feeling better. 

If antidepressants are a must then switch to a different antidepressant or ask your doctor if adding Wellbutrin (helps libido in many people) is possible. 

You also need to consider subtly encouraging your husban to lose weight. Slowly change both your eating patterns to healthier foods that would not only help both of you feel better but would also drop your husbands weight.

Alcohols sugary nature tends to pack on the weight over time and its depressant nature is not good for mood in the long term so its best avoided - if you don't already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> The men are gonna be so angry about this post...
> 
> It's normal. It's normal to have your sex drive drop after you become a mother, it's normal to even lose a bit of attraction toward your husband because his role has changed from lover to father. And if he has gained weight, become soft it makes it even more pronounced that he is more his new role than his old role.
> 
> ...


"During this time, make sure your husband knows you are trying to get your sex drive back and here is how he can help."


BINGO... very insightful, it is not ALL on him


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is the kind of post that makes me think this whole getting married, having kids, supporting a family thing is just so not worth it. A good man just can't win. Women.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the kind of post that makes me think this whole getting married, having kids, supporting a family thing is just so not worth it. A good man just can't win. Women.


Your one of the more dominant males on this website... Your sounding kinda whipped here. We've all been there, and yes the terrain is looking bleak.

I think it's our responsibility to find a woman who wants to be submissive to us as males in certain ways.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm far from that.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm far from that.


One of the more dominant men on the site or whipped?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the kind of post that makes me think this whole getting married, having kids, supporting a family thing is just so not worth it. A good man just can't win. Women.


Life has challenges. Why have a career, you run the risk of getting fired? Why buy a home, you run the risk of spending every dime and second of free time keeping it up? 

Before I got married, an older woman I worked with told me, "don't get married, you just get dirty underwear on the floor and a d!ck in your mouth! Honey it is not worth it!"


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Before I got married, an older woman I worked with told me, "don't get married, you just get dirty underwear on the floor and a d!ck in your mouth! Honey it is not worth it!"


:rofl:


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the kind of post that makes me think this whole getting married, having kids, supporting a family thing is just so not worth it. A good man just can't win. Women.



The kids are worth it - but having to put up with someone else calling themselves a spouse... 

I've often wondered the same things. Some people change, some drastically so. Others like me stay teenagers in ideology, thinking, etc. There is a huge gap there. I feel I'm living with my mother all over again. Even worse, her mother.

I wonder if growing older hits women harder than men, such that they tolerate "not up to spec appearance" less than men of the same age do. 

I mean, ladies, sure I've put on some weight, but at my age I bring home a darned good paycheck, work hard, help the kids with homework, do all the house repairs, and wash dishes. Would you rather have an a-hole that cheats on you, is a deadbeat, treats everyone like dirt, and looks like Adonis?


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is the kind of post that makes me think this whole getting married, having kids, supporting a family thing is just so not worth it. A good man just can't win. Women.


For gods sake man up. Ain't nothing less sexy than "woe as me." 

You know what "vaclang!" is? It's when your mate does or says something so unattractive it makes your vagina clangs shut. 

VA-CLANG!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> For gods sake man up. Ain't nothing less sexy than "woe as me."
> 
> You know what "vaclang!" is? It's when your mate does or says something so unattractive it makes your vagina clang shut.
> 
> VA-CLANG!


Hysterical!

You saw my d!ck in mouth and raised me with a va-clang! 

How long till this post disappears....?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> For gods sake man up. Ain't nothing less sexy than "woe as me."
> 
> You know what "vaclang!" is? It's when your mate does or says something so unattractive it makes your vagina clang shut.
> 
> VA-CLANG!


That's why they say when your in that state of mind it's best not to say anything.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

treyvion said:


> That's why they say when your in that state of mind it's best not to say anything.


Full disclosure: I'm in a "state of mind" of my own. I feel that my "vaclang post" was out of character; I'm usually not one to mock pain. WOM, I am sorry.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> That's why they say when your in that state of mind it's best not to say anything.


You're absolutely right Trey. Unfortunately, at least for me, being in that state of mind means the filter has developed some holes and out pops stuff that oughtn't.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You're absolutely right Trey. Unfortunately, at least for me, being in that state of mind means the filter has developed some holes and out pops stuff that oughtn't.


I used to be the coolest dude till I got cheated. So it packs you full of heat and pain. So it's all thats on your mind, so even when your quiet some crap will come out about it.

And that crap is not what a new female is going to want to hear to make her excited. And if she was excited you just turned her off.

I've been there for years. What got me off of it was some FWB situations. It really changes your thinking to that of being successful with the ladies and having a masculine interaction with them.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My suggestion (if you're not already doing it) is to engage in regular exercise. Exercise is great for dealing with stress. It may help you to reduce or change meds to something that doesn't have such an impact on sex drive. 

Also, exercise helps with self image, blood flow, aerobic capacity, flexibility etc...all good things that can help with your physical sexual response.

In this case since his weight is a turn off you could consider taking up something you can do together and encourage one another. 

There are so many things you can do together; cycling, running, swimming, karate, dancing...and the list goes on. Choose something you think you'll enjoy so you're more likely to keep it up.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Does he ever get romantic with you or just wants sex? Lack of romance in a relationship for women can keep their sex drive from being what it could be.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Love (sexual attraction) naturally evolves in a relationship and it doesn't feel the same six years into a marriage as it did when you were dating. I think lots of people expect it to and they freak out when it doesn't. Your needs and expectations as a single woman or a newlywed are not the same as the needs of a young mother. Doesn't mean love isn't as good or isn't as strong but it does feel different. If you manage to keep this thing together, in your later years, it will change, still. We aren't the same people at 60 as we were at 20. 
I think it's important for him to know you miss sex, too and that you are really trying to get this back on track. It is important to you both. I'd suggest you approach the matter as an effort to increase intimacy as opposed to increasing the frequency or quality of sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and it has nothing to do with his weight or your libido. Make special couple time, have date night, make it a point to affirm him, cuddle, have private jokes with him, just look for ways to be a couple rather than business partners, roommates, or parents. The sex will improve on it's own if you do this and you will probably discover that you need and appreciate him for far more lasting reasons than his weight or appearance. Such things are fleeting. Good Lord willing, we will all get old and our looks will fade. We will still need to be loved. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow and your looks would be forever gone. You would still be a person worthy of love and in need of it. My attraction for my wife has evolved. It used to be primarily about looks. I still think she's fine to look at, but now, I love and respect who she is and not just what she looks like. To me, that's far more satisfying. Lots of people knock boots every day but don't genuinely love or know what it feels like to be genuinely loved.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I used to be the coolest dude till I got cheated. So it packs you full of heat and pain. So it's all thats on your mind, so even when your quiet some crap will come out about it.
> 
> And that crap is not what a new female is going to want to hear to make her excited. And if she was excited you just turned her off.
> 
> I've been there for years. What got me off of it was some FWB situations. It really changes your thinking to that of being successful with the ladies and having a masculine interaction with them.


I've noticed your improved mood and confidence in your posts Trey. Mozel Tov!


----------

