# How to Handle Teenagers and Disrespect



## Jessica38

For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?

My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging. 

I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.

I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"

He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"

I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.

I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"

He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."

Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel. 

I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness. 

But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.


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## john117

Explain what's expected before hand. Provide feedback and positive reinforcement. 

Talk to them. A lot.

Start all of the above at age 2.


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## Evinrude58

If you Don't threaten and actually give consequences--- it will change.
Kids ignore yelling, reason, etc---- but like all humans, they remember and respect consequences.

If he misbehaves, he misses practice. Get backup from your weak disciplinarian husband.

If he still misbehaves, he loses tv and conputer privileges. 

Don't give in, show strength.
Gain respect. Result--- different attitude. But it takes effort. Can't give in.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> If you Don't threaten and actually give consequences--- it will change.
> Kids ignore yelling, reason, etc---- but like all humans, they remember and respect consequences.
> 
> If he misbehaves, he misses practice. Get backup from your weak disciplinarian husband.
> 
> If he still misbehaves, he loses tv and conputer privileges.
> 
> Don't give in, show strength.
> Gain respect. Result--- different attitude. But it takes effort. Can't give in.


Can you help me figure out at what point exactly in my original post to have him miss practice (which is a MUCH bigger deal to him than losing device privileges)? When he was screaming in the car? Or earlier in the day when he was loudly balking at expected chores? Or when he criticized my parenting his younger bro? 

And do I warn him at all first, or do guys just respect the instant consequence more? 

I stopped the car twice and both times felt that I should not continue driving him, but backed out because I knew his coach would be disappointed and my son apologized. I know you're right- he should not be there right now. I need to know exactly at what point though to take it that far.

Thanks for your support, I'm still pretty upset (with myself mostly for allowing it).


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## crocus

So sorry. Trade you my step daughter for an hour. But that would be cruel.
Teenagers are cranky, hormones, pressure to "get a life" all that stuff.
Take some time to decide what's really a big deal. Talk to your husband about it.
The rest...you gotta let him decide what kind of person he wants to be. He's not you.
He doesn't think like you
He doesn't know what "treat me like a person" is.
Your cute kids turn into these grisly half beings so you CAN let them go into the world. Ha ha.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartbroken50

Jessica38 said:


> For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?
> 
> 
> 
> My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.
> 
> 
> 
> I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.
> 
> 
> 
> I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"
> 
> 
> 
> He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"
> 
> 
> 
> I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.
> 
> 
> 
> I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"
> 
> 
> 
> He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."
> 
> 
> 
> Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.
> 
> 
> 
> But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.




I have 3 boys: 17, 15 and 11. Love them to death but the teenage years are definitely challenging! 

I'm still trying to find the magic bullet myself so I'll be following your thread as well and you have my empathy 

Biggest problem in our house is that Mr HB won't back me up as he finds discipline too stressful and he likes being the fun parent. He also has significant health issues so he loses patience faster and is more prone to let them get away with being rude just to make them stop.

I on the other hand can't stand it. A few things work temporarily: shutting off cell phones and blocking them out of wifi through the router. No rides to activities, that sort of thing.

They are expected to do chores but still fight back pretty regularly. It's very slowly improving the more consistent I am.

Stay strong! They will grow up eventually, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink

It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead. 

I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!

Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.

As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.

It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.


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## Evinrude58

You need to let him know when you and he are both calm that raising his voice to you in any way will result in xxxxxx. Expect to enforce that within two days.
Then expect to reinforce it with another consequence when he tests you. He won't test you a third time, most likely. If he does, follow through every time. 
Work on one thing at a time.

But reinforce that one thing with an iron fist. Yelling at YOU? Lol, yeah, I'd get him, lol.

He will figure out quickly that you aren't bs'ing on the yelling.
Then do the same thing with not doing chores without complaint.

New kid in two months.

Iron fist. He says you're strict? He's baiting you. He knows exactly what you'll tolerate. Change your tolerance.

I'll bet he's an intelligent kid-- probably 110- 130 IQ at least.
Schoolwork comes easy to him?

I'm no expert, btw. My teenager is a jerk,too. But the boundaries have a narrower range, lol.


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## Jessica38

heartbroken50 said:


> I have 3 boys: 17, 15 and 11. Love them to death but the teenage years are definitely challenging!
> 
> I'm still trying to find the magic bullet myself so I'll be following your thread as well and you have my empathy
> 
> Biggest problem in our house is that Mr HB won't back me up as he finds discipline too stressful and he likes being the fun parent. He also has significant health issues so he loses patience faster and is more prone to let them get away with being rude just to make them stop.
> 
> I on the other hand can't stand it. A few things work temporarily: shutting off cell phones and blocking them out of wifi through the router. No rides to activities, that sort of thing.
> 
> They are expected to do chores but still fight back pretty regularly. It's very slowly improving the more consistent I am.
> 
> Stay strong! They will grow up eventually, right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ok, so you don't give rides either when they are disrespectful, good to know. I'm on it with the devices, but you're right- it's only temporary.

And I have the same issue with the husband- his "focus on the positive" bs really chaps my hide in these instances. 
@crocus, you think I should ignore it when he acts like this? Ugh...I literally cannot stand it. It violates every boundary in my body to be treated so poorly by someone, especially as I am doing things for them. It just feels so wrong to me.


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## Evinrude58

Anon Pink said:


> It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead.
> 
> I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!
> 
> Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.
> 
> As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.
> 
> It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
> 1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
> 2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
> 3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
> 4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
> 5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.


Your 5 reasons were accurate.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> You need to let him know when you and he are both calm that raising his voice to you in any way will result in xxxxxx. Expect to enforce that within two days.
> Then expect to reinforce it with another consequence when he tests you. He won't test you a third time, most likely. If he does, follow through every time.
> Work on one thing at a time.
> 
> But reinforce that one thing with an iron fist. Yelling at YOU? Lol, yeah, I'd get him, lol.
> 
> He will figure out quickly that you aren't bs'ing on the yelling.
> Then do the same thing with not doing chores without complaint.
> 
> New kid in two months.
> 
> Iron fist. He says you're strict? He's baiting you. He knows exactly what you'll tolerate. Change your tolerance.
> 
> I'll bet he's an intelligent kid-- probably 110- 130 IQ at least.
> Schoolwork comes easy to him?
> 
> I'm no expert, btw. My teenager is a jerk,too. But the boundaries have a narrower range, lol.


I am copying this post into my notes app. Thank you very much. Yes, he's highly intelligent, in TAG at school. And he's very intense. Never needs help with school work and loves sports. On paper, he's a great kid. But I'm big on behavior first, which is what I keep telling him, but it's not getting through.

I agree- time for action. I've had enough.


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## Evinrude58

It's a battle of wills with anyone.

Just make sure you are the one who perseveres. Whose will is unshakeable. Kids don't all yell at their parents. Mine has once or twice. There were tears flying.
That was time to keep my cool and step back. Don't escalate.

I guess I'm just saying you are correct in that your son should not be doing what he's doing.
Yes, if you allow this it will carry over to his later life.


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## Jessica38

Anon Pink said:


> It sounds to me like your son was feeling very anxious and not knowing how to communicate that, just as most people and most especially people of the male persuasion, he jumped down your throat instead.
> 
> I really like the way you stood up for yourself and insisted he treat you the way you wish to be treated, that was awesome! Honestly, I've seen sooooo many parents, typically mothers though, who allow their teens to speak to them in absolutely disgraceful ways! So well done!
> 
> Okay back to late to practice... in the moment your best bet is to do exactly what you did. Later on though, have a chat about what was going on with him at the time and don't let him mumble how he hates to be late. He needs to dig deeper and identify what was making him feel so out of sorts that he thought talking to you that way was okay to do. This chat needs to be calm calm calm. Best to be done when you're driving and he knows you can't see his face but he can't walk away. The car is the BEST place to talk to kids to get them to dig deep and open up.
> 
> As far as his, "OMG You're so strict!" goes, you can pat yourself on the back because if a parent of teen isnt hearing that at least once per month, you're doing it wrong. That's a general rule kind of thing, every kid is different and some kids are very content without pushing boundaries.
> 
> It's directed at you because of a few reasons and you can decide which one you like best.
> 1. Your husband doesn't enforce boundaries so your son doesn't push back.
> 2. Your husband has already smacked your son enough that your son doesn't push around him.
> 3. Your husband isn't involved enough to be in the position of enforcing boundaries.
> 4. Your the safe parent with whom he can be his emotional self and that means the nasty emotional self as well as the needy emotional self.
> 5. Your son does mouth off to his father but his father doesn't react to it so it's not a big deal to either of them.


Thank you so much for this post. I will have a chat with him after his practice. I never do this, so thank you very much, I didn't even think bringing it up again would be helpful but what you're saying makes so much sense.

And reasons 1, 4, and 5 apply to our situation. It's very frustrating because my intense kid (who does run anxious) seems to do best with boundaries in all ways, has since he was an infant, except with his dad. He genuinely likes my husband more and is really close to him, and my husband does not enforce boundaries with him at all. I've stood up to my husband about this too, it has been an issue for us. But it's genuinely not in him, and I can't force him to discipline. If my son did his screaming, yelling thing, my husband might say quietly "C'mon, you don't need to do that." And that's it. Every time. 

But I think the "safe" part with me is that he wants to save face with my husband. He gets embarassed because sometimes my husband will say something totally non-PC like "you're being a baby." But no consequence.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> It's a battle of wills with anyone.
> 
> Just make sure you are the one who perseveres. Whose will is unshakeable. Kids don't all yell at their parents. Mine has once or twice. There were tears flying.
> That was time to keep my cool and step back. Don't escalate.
> 
> I guess I'm just saying you are correct in that your son should not be doing what he's doing.
> Yes, if you allow this it will carry over to his later life.


Thank you for this. It helps so much, especially when I keep hearing that "this is just how teenagers are." I'm starting to want to avoid my son as much as possible.


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## crocus

Jessica 
Nope nowhere did I say ignore it. "Decide what's important ".
Listen, as he is telling you what some of the conflict is. "Everything is a big deal". And he did tell you he didn't know what "treat me like a person " means.
Aside from the tone or yelling, take away the message. Out of respect for him. As a separate person.
HOW he communicates needs to be taught and practiced. 
Consequences for that, but not the message. If it were me, I would say thank you for sharing your input, I will consider how you feel. (Later, of course) but provide him tips for how to share / communicate and make it clear THAT is what was unacceptable 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic

Jessica38 said:


> Can you help me figure out at what point exactly in my original post to have him miss practice (which is a MUCH bigger deal to him than losing device privileges)? When he was screaming in the car? Or earlier in the day when he was loudly balking at expected chores? Or when he criticized my parenting his younger bro?


I would have waited in the car till the screaming stopped, not even leaving the driveway. Not said much, maybe a reminder that you understand he's anxious to arrive on time but that doesn't give him license to be abusive to his ride, but mostly just waited. If he's calm, he gets to go to practice.



Jessica38 said:


> And do I warn him at all first, or do guys just respect the instant consequence more?


The warning should come another time, when he's calm, recently fed, in a good mood. Have a quick discussion (not a lecture) to remind him that being disrespectful and yelling at people who are doing him a favour isn't productive, and will get the favour retracted. So later, when he yells, he's already had the warning and you can jump right to consequences.



Jessica38 said:


> I stopped the car twice and both times felt that I should not continue driving him, but backed out because I knew his coach would be disappointed and my son apologized. I know you're right- he should not be there right now. I need to know exactly at what point though to take it that far.


His coach might become your biggest ally and a good role model (male?). Tell the coach that your son may have absences when his behaviour is disrespectful. You may find the coach reinforcing the consequences and reminding him that sports are a privilege and not a right and if he wants to attend practice, to remember to be grateful for your taxi service.

Is the practice within bike ride distance?



Jessica38 said:


> Thanks for your support, I'm still pretty upset (with myself mostly for allowing it).


It's best to put some time between yourself and the upset before you analyze the situation and figure out what to do. It's hard to think what to do in the moment, but if you decide what should happen next time, it will be easier to enforce it later.

Oh teenagers. The executive function emotions management skills are lagging far far behind the hormone driven emotions. But they still need to be taught. He's also testing boundaries, so you have to be consistent, no matter what.


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## Anon Pink

Jessica38 said:


> Thank you so much for this post. I will have a chat with him after his practice. I never do this, so thank you very much, I didn't even think bringing it up again would be helpful but what you're saying makes so much sense.
> 
> And reasons 1, 4, and 5 apply to our situation. It's very frustrating because my intense kid (who does run anxious) seems to do best with boundaries in all ways, has since he was an infant, except with his dad. He genuinely likes my husband more and is really close to him, and my husband does not enforce boundaries with him at all. I've stood up to my husband about this too, it has been an issue for us. But it's genuinely not in him, and I can't force him to discipline. If my son did his screaming, yelling thing, my husband might say quietly "C'mon, you don't need to do that." And that's it. Every time.
> 
> But I think the "safe" part with me is that he wants to save face with my husband. He gets embarassed because sometimes my husband will say something totally non-PC like "you're being a baby." But no consequence.


So your husband is very laid back, so much so your son's mouth doesn't ring any bells. That's great actually. I think young men need their fathers esteem so very badly and it sounds like your husband provides that for your son. Unfortunately, this puts you in the role as disciplinarian and frankly, that's no fair for you.

I recall a time when my brother was mouthing off to my mother and my father, who had been ignoring the entire escalation, got up and said very loudly "that is my wife and you are not allowed to speak to my wife that way, ever!" Honestly, it made no effect on my brother, who had an anger problem but I remember it clear as day.

It doesn't matter if your husband doesn't care if your son mouths off to him. But you do care and it does bother you and for that reason alone your might want to enlist your husband's support in enforcing YOUR boundaries for you. If he's okay being spoken to that way, that's fine but he should not be okay with you being spoken to in a way that makes you feel belittled and disrespected. So tell your husband to stop being a baby and stick up for his wife!


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## Jessica38

crocus said:


> Jessica
> Nope nowhere did I say ignore it. "Decide what's important ".
> Listen, as he is telling you what some of the conflict is. "Everything is a big deal". And he did tell you he didn't know what "treat me like a person " means.
> Aside from the tone or yelling, take away the message. Out of respect for him. As a separate person.
> HOW he communicates needs to be taught and practiced.
> Consequences for that, but not the message. If it were me, I would say thank you for sharing your input, I will consider how you feel. (Later, of course) but provide him tips for how to share / communicate and make it clear THAT is what was unacceptable
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Now I understand, thank you. Focus on the delivery, not the message. That's hard for me, so thanks for the challenge. Without the tone, yelling, and mad dogging, I still don't appreciate being told that I'm weird for wanting to be treated like a person, or that I make everything a big deal. It sounds like I need to get over this and develop thicker skin? I'm really glad you brought this to my attention. It seems I played a role in this tonight too. 

This is where I second guess myself.


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## crocus

No, you aren't weird. It's weird to him because he's developing as a person that is different from himself. Different is weird. To all teenagers.
Same as treated like a person.
Judgmental aliens. Until they are about 30. So naturally, they notice that their parents are the most judgemental people around. Geez. It's brutal 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I would have waited in the car till the screaming stopped, not even leaving the driveway. Not said much, maybe a reminder that you understand he's anxious to arrive on time but that doesn't give him license to be abusive to his ride, but mostly just waited. If he's calm, he gets to go to practice.
> 
> Ok, this is what I did, and I do feel it is abusive, so thank you for validating that.
> 
> The warning should come another time, when he's calm, recently fed, in a good mood. Have a quick discussion (not a lecture) to remind him that being disrespectful and yelling at people who are doing him a favour isn't productive, and will get the favour retracted. So later, when he yells, he's already had the warning and you can jump right to consequences.
> 
> Very helpful, thank you!
> 
> His coach might become your biggest ally and a good role model (male?). Tell the coach that your son may have absences when his behaviour is disrespectful. You may find the coach reinforcing the consequences and reminding him that sports are a privilege and not a right and if he wants to attend practice, to remember to be grateful for your taxi service.
> 
> This did not occur to me and you're right, in fact, his coach actually called my son out once at a travel tournament and told him "You do not speak to your mom like that!" But my husband helps coach his team too so to get more support from this coach means texting him without letting my husband know first, as he would tell me not to.
> Is the practice within bike ride distance?
> No, unfortunately.
> 
> But they still need to be taught. He's also testing boundaries, so you have to be consistent, no matter what.
> 
> You're right, which is why I need to figure out exactly how to do this because it is getting worse. He even criticizes me for drinking too loud (water).
> .


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## Red Sonja

Jessica38 said:


> He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"


This was my answer to this (and other such ornery, silly questions) ... 

"You are required to be *respectful*, *responsible *and *fun to be around*". That is how people treat each other as human-beings."

My kid knew this phrase and what each word meant by the time she was 6 years old and, she knew that I enforced it. I always gave her one warning when she acted out (I would ask "Are you being respectful, responsible and fun to be around?") and if she continued consequences were immediate (withdrawal of privileges).

The key is to be calm, don't engage them in arguments and do not explain yourself (they know the rules). Remember teenagers are expert at DARVO, even if they do not know the term.

In the situation you described with your son, if it was me, the car would have never left the driveway. You want to scream and be a little **** to your mother ... oh well, no ride to practice for you.


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## Jessica38

Anon Pink said:


> So your husband is very laid back, so much so your son's mouth doesn't ring any bells. That's great actually. I think young men need their fathers esteem so very badly and it sounds like your husband provides that for your son. Unfortunately, this puts you in the role as disciplinarian and frankly, that's no fair for you.
> 
> And this is where I get so confused. I've gotten compliments on how self-confident, self-assured son is, how great we are as parents for letting him be his own person, etc. Sometimes I think maybe I should be more like husband and let things go? But it is starting to feel abusive to let him treat me like this. You're right- I have to do something. I have always been the disciplinarian but when they were younger, I mostly did this by setting a very consistent routine and this worked very well, as they were always well-rested and knew what was expected. Then son started to push back and now I'm really only concerned about the disrespect.
> 
> I recall a time when my brother was mouthing off to my mother and my father, who had been ignoring the entire escalation, got up and said very loudly "that is my wife and you are not allowed to speak to my wife that way, ever!" Honestly, it made no effect on my brother, who had an anger problem but I remember it clear as day.
> 
> My Dad said this too and it also struck me. I do wish my husband would make this clear to our son, but it's not him. He's much more patient and kind than my dad was so I think I picked a guy very opposite from him.
> 
> It doesn't matter if your husband doesn't care if your son mouths off to him. But you do care and it does bother you and for that reason alone your might want to enlist your husband's support in enforcing YOUR boundaries for you. If he's okay being spoken to that way, that's fine but he should not be okay with you being spoken to in a way that makes you feel belittled and disrespected. So tell your husband to stop being a baby and stick up for his wife!
> 
> I know, right? He tells me to "let it go." "It's all good." He looks physically pained if I say I need him to talk to our son. He will do it, but again, it's "you know you'll catch more flies with honey, right?" To our son. Or he says something so out of left field, like "Just put a smile on your face. If you can't do that, then we don't want to be around you." It's like WTF?


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## jld

My boys are 18, 14, 11, and 8.

While I would not tolerate disrespect, I would also seek to understand their frustrations. You are trying to build a relationship for the long term, right? Taking too rigid of an "I'm the parent and you will do as I say, period," position could make for some frosty times ahead.

Shoot for a collaborative approach instead. "Son, I do not feel great about how things went down yesterday. I don't think you do, either. How do you think we both could have handled things better?" might be a good place to start.


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## Jessica38

jld said:


> My boys are 18, 14, 11, and 8.
> 
> While I would not tolerate disrespect, I would also seek to understand their frustrations. You are trying to build a relationship for the long term, right? Taking too rigid of an "I'm the parent and you will do as I say, period," position could make for some frosty times ahead.
> 
> Shoot for a collaborative approach instead. "Son, I do not feel great about how things went down yesterday. I don't think you do, either. How do you think we both could have handled things better?" might be a good place to start.


Wow! That's a lot of boys! 

Anon Pink nailed it- his frustration was triggered by not leaving at the exact time he wanted. His anxiety reared, and I was the punching bag.

I just calmly talked to him while preparing his dinner. I told him that while I am fine with discussing concerns with him about possibly running late, that he doesn't know what treating me like a person means, and that he feels I make things a big deal, I am not ok with the delivery. From now on, if he raises his voice to me, the car will not leave the garage. And I will let his coach know why he will not be at practice. We covered what "treating me like a person" means (respect, politeness). 

My husband actually totally jumped in and backed me up, so that was wonderful! I think setting the boundary and putting in my son's court really helped my husband see that it's now no longer up to me if he gets to practice- it's up to our son.

Thanks to all of you for the help! Every single one of you helped me today.


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## heartbroken50

Jessica38 said:


> Ok, so you don't give rides either when they are disrespectful, good to know. I'm on it with the devices, but you're right- it's only temporary.
> 
> 
> 
> And I have the same issue with the husband- his "focus on the positive" bs really chaps my hide in these instances.
> 
> 
> @crocus, you think I should ignore it when he acts like this? Ugh...I literally cannot stand it. It violates every boundary in my body to be treated so poorly by someone, especially as I am doing things for them. It just feels so wrong to me.




My 15 year old is my toughest right now and he has a very busy schedule with drama club rehearsals which is most important to him. The rides hit him where it hurts. He's had to walk a few times and was late. 

I tried something new this week that's worked well so far:

I own a home business and sometimes need a little help from the older boys with it. This is vacation week for them and I asked for some help with cleaning my business space. They talked back, were rude. I said that's fine, but if I have to do it alone I can't take as many orders this week. If I taker fewer orders, I bring in less money and I won't be able to write that check you need for drama next week, or the housing deposit my other son needs sent. So no big deal if you don't want to help, but these are the logical consequences of not pitching in. 

They actually did it with no more argument!

I love logical consequences ... don't give me notice when you need a ride and yell at me and expect me to drop everything? You can walk.

Don't like dinner? You can cook ... I taught them both how to cook a few simple meals they all like (Mac & cheese, spaghetti & meatballs, chicken broccoli & ziti).



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## EleGirl

_"Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"_

I've been thinking about your post and this keeps coming up in my head.

Teens are like 2 year olds on steroids. They act out their feeling. But now they are big, and loud and think they are smarter than their parents. This is why teens are so much "fun".

But the are still kids and still need some things to be very clear. I agree with him, what does "threat me like a person mean?" I'll bet it means something different to different people. You might want to try working that is very direct and simple....

Instead of "Please reply to me and treat me like a person", be more direct.

"Please reply."
"Do not yell at me."
"I'm not giving you a ride to practice if you yell at me." and follow through.

Short and to the point.


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## arbitrator

*Having raised two boys, suspending their allowances and privileges seemed to have worked absolute wonders in curbing their seldom abhorrent behavior!

They're coming in to their own during this phase and greatly feel that they are so much smarter than Mom or Dad, or any authority figure, for that matter!

And to a certain extent, there's probably an element of some of that self-ingrained justification in their line of thinking, but if they are going to give serious credence to any of those thoughts, it might be far better that they are already moved out of the house and at the very same time, also considerably more financially well-heeled than good ol' Mom and Dad!*


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## Satya

Just wondering, does your son do any volunteer work? Something for the community, the disabled, something that requires patience, empathy, and care for another? If not, it may be a good idea to have him start. I was once a pretty intense teen but I was a good egg. I challenged my parents plenty and I expected to be heard more as I got older and close to adulthood. I volunteered for many hours in HS at a hospital in my town. I volunteered at a nursing home, too. I think it gave me a perspective many of my peers at the time didn't care to have because they were too busy trying to be "cool." 

Also, relaxation techniques are a good idea for teens. They learn to cram so much into their lives, their hormones are going, their brains are developing, they neglect to take time for calm introspection alone. It's always go go go and sleep when you're not.

Agreed that you should follow through if there is a next time and turn the car around. There's nothing wrong with telling him this clearly right now, before the next practice. Set the expectations, ask him if he thinks you're being reasonable in having the expectation of not being yelled at, then exact consequence if he crosses the line. Basically talk logically through to the source of the frustration and allow him to catch himself for his own unnecessary behavior. You are not a punching bag.


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## dubsey

Ok, I kind of skipped through the last half of the thread. I'm in a hurry, but wanted to throw in 2 cents.

The single best thing I ever did as a Dad, was make my kid go to one of his sporting events, and watch from the bench. He'd done something wrong, it was no big deal, but then he lied right to my face about it. It was February.

I looked at him and said after dinner we were going to have a chat about the consequences of his actions, after everyone calmed down.

So...

Video games - gone indefinitely. No end date, he could choose when he earned them back by being a reasonable human being.

But, the big kicker was, his next sporting event, he had to go up to his coach, tell him he was benched by dad, and why. He had to apologize to his teammates for being a bad teammate because he couldn't play, and if he lied to his teammates about why, he'd be sitting another one until he got it right.

It actually got even better because the referee knows him, and knows he's good player so came over to talk in-between periods asking him how he got injured and he had to say "not injured, grounded."

At that moment, he knew I wasn't f'n around, and I wouldn't be in the near future. Are there still challenges from time to time. Sure, but he KNOWS, that I'll follow through on ANYTHING, even if it hurts me more than him. The best part is, I was able to do it without raising my voice. Very matter of fact - this was your choice (to lie), and this is how it is.

So, if I were you, when you're having a good evening, sit down as a family and talk about how the new normal is going to be, and you'll do your best to be respectful to him and not raise your voice at him as well, and come up with some word that he can say that you're not allowed to be offended at if he feels like you're stressing him out and vice versa, and go from there.

edit: looks like you already had a chat. keep revisiting it, especially if he's going a good job with it and let him know you appreciate his efforts.


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## crocus

Wow, congrats Jessica ! That's awesome. 


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## Jessica38

@heartbroken50, the rides would hit mine where it hurts too. It's something he needs from me for sure. I think your natural/logical consequences sound great, I'll look for more opportunities like that. We've had our share of loud complaints about dinners too. I tried a year ago to set up a reward system where the boys had to earn everything extra, like trips to trampoline park, etc. by completing their chores without complaint. It turned into more complaints from teen about how ridiculous it was to have a chart system. My husband agreed and wouldn't really go along with it, so I gave up.
@EleGirl, I will try to be more direct and leave the subjective stuff out. I see where that was my mistake, as @crocus pointed that out too, that my son really didn't know what that meant. 

He also gives me dirty looks repeatedly every time I take a drink at dinner or any other time he's near by. He criticizes me for swallowing too loudly. And my ankles pop in the morning and he repeatedly criticizes me for that- "Do you have a disease? That's really not normal." Over and over. I tried to talk to him about it by explaining that many people have that, are like firecrackers, in my yoga class. I tried finding humor in it, like "Well, it must be nice to move through life perfectly soundless." I finally told him that if he didn't let it go, he'd have a consequence. So now he just gives dirty looks and shakes his head and he might do a grunt. Every day. It is very frustrating. 

I feel like I live with an abusive husband, only it's my kid.
@arbitrator, I am going back to staying consistent with the consequences. Thanks for sharing your experience in how that helped with your boys. 
@Satya, YES to the relaxation techniques. He needs it. He has done EMDR therapy and it did wonders for him. We've done Headspace meditation app and it was great. But he has a very full schedule with school/travel sports so time is very limited in what he can consistently add. And it would be another thing for me to have to work with him on. He has volunteered in the past and it didn't go well because it was me getting him to do it, not by choice. I finally let it go. I'd love to make it a requirement but it would fall squarely on my shoulders and likely lead to more push back at this point.
@dubsey, very helpful, as that absolutely would send a very clear message to my son because sports are his most favorite thing in the entire world. However, I guarantee my husband would not support me in benching him as it would humiliate him in front of his teammates. And I would need that support because before and after, my son would push back very hard. I'm not afraid of my son, but I would suffer as much if not more than him because it would cause problems with husband and son. It would take massive strength on my part to pull that off, so I guess I need to dig deep? I could go to the coach, who would support me.


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## anchorwatch

@Jessica38

Ditto the congratulations on your talk. 

Many years ago, I was recommended a book on another site, it was of great help giving us common sense answers about where to draw the line and what we needed to let go. 

You can read the ideas in the introduction here Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No - Dr. Townsend 

Best


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## Jessica38

anchorwatch said:


> @Jessica38
> 
> Ditto the congratulations on your talk.
> 
> Many years ago, I was recommended a book on another site, it was of great help giving us common sense answers about where to draw the line and what we needed to let go.
> 
> You can read the ideas in the introduction here Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No - Dr. Townsend
> 
> Best


Thank you for this! I've read Townsend's Boundaries in Marriage and found it very helpful. I've read so many parenting books and most recently, The Awakened Family, but so many don't seem to help. My son really does best with boundaries, so I think this one would actually be very helpful. Downloading it today!

Ps. I forwarded link to husband and asked him to tell me which format he'd prefer because it would mean a lot to me if he'd read it too


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## GTdad

Like JLD, I have 4 boys (two of them are adults now). I've always gotten along with them, and over the years we've had lots of fun and laughs. But one thing they know not to do with me is to be (overly) disrespectful, because they know I'll come down on that crap pretty hard.

Unfortunately, they sometimes feel freer to talk to their mom harshly. The thing I've found that's worked the best in that situation (I've had to do it twice now) is a Come-to-Jesus meeting where I get in their face a bit and tell them that she is my wife, and there's no way in hell that they're going to speak to my wife that way. In that instant, it's irrelevant whether she's their mother, I'm simply not going to stand for the woman I married being treated that way, and to their credit they got the point immediately.


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## Jessica38

GTdad said:


> Like JLD, I have 4 boys (two of them are adults now). I've always gotten along with them, and over the years we've had lots of fun and laughs. But one thing they know not to do with me is to be (overly) disrespectful, because they know I'll come down on that crap pretty hard.
> 
> Unfortunately, they sometimes feel freer to talk to their mom harshly. The thing I've found that's worked the best in that situation (I've had to do it twice now) is a Come-to-Jesus meeting where I get in their face a bit and tell them that she is my wife, and there's no way in hell that they're going to speak to my wife that way. In that instant, it's irrelevant whether she's their mother, I'm simply not going to stand for the woman I married being treated that way, and to their credit they got the point immediately.


I admire that you stand up for your wife to your boys (men now). While I admire my husband for his patience and calm, I do wish he would do this, especially to our oldest, who really does believe he is my equal. Maybe I should just ask my husband to say this?


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## BetrayedDad

Jessica38 said:


> But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.


1) Buy a barrel

2) Put it out on the front lawn

3) Text his friends to come over

4) Throw all his stuff into the barrel

5) Pour lighter fluid on it and ignite.


He'll never disrespect you again.


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## Jessica38

BetrayedDad said:


> 1) Buy a barrel
> 
> 2) Put it out on the front lawn
> 
> 3) Text his friends to come over
> 
> 4) Throw all his stuff into the barrel
> 
> 5) Pour lighter fluid on it and ignite.
> 
> 
> He'll never disrespect you again.


I believe it. Problem is, I don't have back up from husband, who would likely get upset with me for destroying his property. 

He went through a phase of door slamming so hard it would shake the entire house. I warned him that if he continued to do it, we would remove his bedroom door. He did it again and I unhinged his door. He was so embarassed when friends came over that he begged us to put it back on, which my husband did. He never slammed a door again.


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## urf

Do you remember what you were like as a teen?

I have 3 sons. All grown men now. I'm very proud of them. There is a list of things to remember when dealing with a teen.

01. What do you want your relationship to be in 10 or 15 years from now?

02. It's temporary. Whatever it is it's temporary.

03. Hormones.

04. You and he are both going through the same thing. It is part of the pain of separating of one functioning social arrangement into two. 

05. Always keep in mind that there are things you can say or do that you can not take back. You can get past it but it is always there.

06. Make them be responsible for their choices. 

07. You need to earn respect from your children. It is not given. Children sometimes grow up thinking that parents are servants.

08. They hate being dependent on you until they understand that it is the best thing that ever happened to them.

09. You are their teacher. They are what you teach them to be.

10. Killing them will get you in trouble.


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## Hope1964

My boys are 25 and 27 now. I think I've just blocked out a lot of their teenage years 

I am a huge believer in natural consequences. So if we're in the car and they start in on me, I stop and they have to get out and I drive away. If they don't show up to pick their sister up after school and instead go to the mall and get high, I confine them to their room until they come down and then find out where they got the pot and call that friends mother and tell them and also tell them that if their son supplies my son with pot again I will be calling the cops. If they don't come home by curfew and won't answer their phone that I pay for, I go to the friends house where I think they are and bang on the door to wake everyone up and see if they are there and when I find out they are I take them home. If they have a party while we are away and one of their friends breaks a window I get that friends phone number from the cell bill that I pay (after calling several of their other friends to find out who it was) and harass them until I get my window replaced. If they won't get up for school I blow an airhorn at them.

Those things actually happened. Only once. They HATED when I involved their friends. I think I might have briefly been known as psycho mom. Or maybe not so briefly. Oh, and I still pay for the cell bill (I get reimbursed now), and they damned well answer me if I call or text them too


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## Hope1964

Oh, by the way, discipline was pretty much up to me because the kids were from my first marriage and the boys didn't develop good relationships with their stepdad till after the teen years were over. My oldest son and he actually got into a fistfight once.


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## heartbroken50

Hope1964 said:


> My boys are 25 and 27 now. I think I've just blocked out a lot of their teenage years
> 
> I am a huge believer in natural consequences. So if we're in the car and they start in on me, I stop and they have to get out and I drive away. If they don't show up to pick their sister up after school and instead go to the mall and get high, I confine them to their room until they come down and then find out where they got the pot and call that friends mother and tell them and also tell them that if their son supplies my son with pot again I will be calling the cops. If they don't come home by curfew and won't answer their phone that I pay for, I go to the friends house where I think they are and bang on the door to wake everyone up and see if they are there and when I find out they are I take them home. If they have a party while we are away and one of their friends breaks a window I get that friends phone number from the cell bill that I pay (after calling several of their other friends to find out who it was) and harass them until I get my window replaced. If they won't get up for school I blow an airhorn at them.
> 
> Those things actually happened. Only once. They HATED when I involved their friends. I think I might have briefly been known as psycho mom. Or maybe not so briefly. Oh, and I still pay for the cell bill (I get reimbursed now), and they damned well answer me if I call or text them too



LOL.. I did the air horn thing once too! Worked like a charm but it traumatized the dog so I've been afraid to go there again. My boys still have a lot of trouble getting up so I'm just very firm that if they don't get up they will have to walk since I'm only making one trip (we don't have bus service). That usually works. Occasionally I break out the Megaphone as the dog doesn't mind that as much!


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## Jessica38

Hope1964 said:


> My boys are 25 and 27 now. I think I've just blocked out a lot of their teenage years
> 
> I am a huge believer in natural consequences. So if we're in the car and they start in on me, I stop and they have to get out and I drive away. If they don't show up to pick their sister up after school and instead go to the mall and get high, I confine them to their room until they come down and then find out where they got the pot and call that friends mother and tell them and also tell them that if their son supplies my son with pot again I will be calling the cops. If they don't come home by curfew and won't answer their phone that I pay for, I go to the friends house where I think they are and bang on the door to wake everyone up and see if they are there and when I find out they are I take them home. If they have a party while we are away and one of their friends breaks a window I get that friends phone number from the cell bill that I pay (after calling several of their other friends to find out who it was) and harass them until I get my window replaced. If they won't get up for school I blow an airhorn at them.
> 
> Those things actually happened. Only once. They HATED when I involved their friends. I think I might have briefly been known as psycho mom. Or maybe not so briefly. Oh, and I still pay for the cell bill (I get reimbursed now), and they damned well answer me if I call or text them too


You know, this is SO helpful because anytime I've even remotely involved a friend (like telling my son in front of another kid I was taking that he can use his $ to pay for another pair of jump socks at trampoline park because he didn't want to look for the pair I already paid for the previous trip), he gets this horrified look on his face and later tells me his friend thought I was "ridiculous and that I couldn't even afford $3 to buy him a new pair of socks." And I start to wonder if I'M crazy or if I could have handled that better because now my son has no interest in working with me to improve our relationship. 

It's stuff like that. I hate to keep harping on my husband, but he actually has no issue with spending $3 to buy a new pair of socks, so he thinks I shouldn't either since we share our money. But it's the principle, the fact that he can't be bothered to look for a pair I've just paid for. 

So thank you. I'm no longer going to second guess myself when son (and husband) acts like I'm terrible for embarrassing him in front of friends.


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## Jessica38

heartbroken50 said:


> LOL.. I did the air horn thing once too! Worked like a charm but it traumatized the dog so I've been afraid to go there again. My boys still have a lot of trouble getting up so I'm just very firm that if they don't get up they will have to walk since I'm only making one trip (we don't have bus service). That usually works. Occasionally I break out the Megaphone as the dog doesn't mind that as much!


Can I co-parent with you? 

I'm just not sure how I'm going to get through this with a husband who really does feel very differently about parenting. "If you try to control them, they will rebel." "It's tough growing up." "Boys need their freedom." "We just have to get through the next five years." "All teens are like this." "Teens aren't supposed to be polite." "There were many nights where I didn't say a word to my parents at the dinner table." "It's just going to suck for a while." "Everyone else on the team gets a ride to practice last minute. They all find ways to make it work, so we can be on call too."


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## Hope1964

Jessica38 said:


> So thank you. I'm no longer going to second guess myself when son (and husband) acts like I'm terrible for embarrassing him in front of friends.


Embarrassing them in front of their friends is a very powerful tool. My sons bring incidents like those up to this day.

You know, if your husband isn't going to support you when you put your foot down, tell him that he can handle ALL the discipline all by himself for the forseeable future. Then every time - EVERY time - your kids want or need a ride somewhere or money or you get a call from the school or WHATEVER, HE has to handle it HIMSELF. Go on strike, if you will.


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## heartbroken50

Mr HB does not back me up at all.... he mostly sees it as me stirring the pot and creating drama. It's very frustrating.

Recently, my 15 year old was supposed to have a friend visit for the weekend from out of state to attend a local convention together. My son was particularly mouthy toward me the week prior, actually F-bombed me which I will not tolerate. And then refused to even apologize as I was being difficult. Mr HB did not back me up at all. The weekend in question Mr HB and my other son were away attending a college weekend, so I would be home with the other two boys and the friend all weekend... needing to provide them rides all weekend... AND my work schedule is busiest on the weekends. 

I was so upset by his behavior and lack of remorse that I made him call his friend to cancel the visit, and also made him work to earn the money to reimburse his friend for his bus ticket and convention admission. Mr HB thought it was too harsh, but Mr HB wasn't going to be there to cater to him all weekend.

I so wish he would just do what @GTdad described and stick up for me. I have asked him to say those very words SO many times. He just won't


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## Jessica38

Hope1964 said:


> Embarrassing them in front of their friends is a very powerful tool. My sons bring incidents like those up to this day.
> 
> You know, if your husband isn't going to support you when you put your foot down, tell him that he can handle ALL the discipline all by himself for the forseeable future. Then every time - EVERY time - your kids want or need a ride somewhere or money or you get a call from the school or WHATEVER, HE has to handle it HIMSELF. Go on strike, if you will.


I could try that again, but that's how I've been coping this last year. And now that husband is busy coaching other son (who is a totally different personality, I do not have the same issues with him) I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity. 

So I'm back to square 1. And it infiltrates in other ways too, the constant criticizing me for the way I drink, walk, do my hair. It is abusive.


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## heartbroken50

Jessica38 said:


> Can I co-parent with you?
> 
> I'm just not sure how I'm going to get through this with a husband who really does feel very differently about parenting. "If you try to control them, they will rebel." "It's tough growing up." "Boys need their freedom." "We just have to get through the next five years." "All teens are like this." "Teens aren't supposed to be polite." "There were many nights where I didn't say a word to my parents at the dinner table." "It's just going to suck for a while." "Everyone else on the team gets a ride to practice last minute. They all find ways to make it work, so we can be on call too."



Ugh, I hear you!

I have struggled so much with our parenting mismatch over the years. Honestly the only thing that has helped me get stronger has been more recent, and it's pretty depressing. Mr HB is terminally ill now and pretty much removed himself completely from parenting. I've HAD to take more control because before I know it I will be the only parent, and in a lot of ways I already am. 

It's hard. They still go to him behind my back and often he will undermine me. I've had to explicitly tell them that when they do this it is NOT VALID. Dad is not able to parent and there are consequences if they go behind my back. It's slowly getting better.


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## Jessica38

heartbroken50 said:


> Mr HB does not back me up at all.... he mostly sees it as me stirring the pot and creating drama. It's very frustrating.
> 
> This is exactly how I feel too. My husband acts like I've disciplined HIM when I give son a consequence.
> 
> Recently, my 15 year old was supposed to have a friend visit for the weekend from out of state to attend a local convention together. My son was particularly mouthy toward me the week prior, actually F-bombed me which I will not tolerate. And then refused to even apologize as I was being difficult. Mr HB did not back me up at all. The weekend in question Mr HB and my other son were away attending a college weekend, so I would be home with the other two boys and the friend all weekend... needing to provide them rides all weekend... AND my work schedule is busiest on the weekends.
> 
> These are our issues too.
> 
> I was so upset by his behavior and lack of remorse that I made him call his friend to cancel the visit, and also made him work to earn the money to reimburse his friend for his bus ticket and convention admission. Mr HB thought it was too harsh, but Mr HB wasn't going to be there to cater to him all weekend.
> 
> Yep, just making him cancel the friend visit would be too harsh here.
> 
> I so wish he would just do what @GTdad described and stick up for me. I have asked him to say those very words SO many times. He just won't
> Not in my husband's DNA either. His dad is the same, let his mom handle all discipline. But my husband wasn't this disrespectful to his mom. I just don't get it. My son and I were very close when he was younger, and I get that teens need to separate, but the disrespect is just so mean. I never taught him to behave this way. I don't swear or call names, I don't say mean things to people. I have my faults, but I don't see where he is getting this from.


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## jld

Jessica38 said:


> I could try that again, but that's how I've been coping this last year. And now that husband is busy coaching other son (who is a totally different personality, I do not have the same issues with him) I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity.
> 
> So I'm back to square 1. And it infiltrates in other ways too, the constant criticizing me for the way I drink, walk, do my hair. It is abusive.


I would not take the abusive tack, Jessica. You are the parent here; you have lots of power.

How about sitting down with him and asking him to work with you to come up with a plan for tackling these challenges you two have in getting along, starting with his complaints about you? 

That would show humility and openness. And your vulnerability would likely make him feel safe to open his heart to you, too.


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## Jessica38

jld said:


> I would not take the abusive tack, Jessica. You are the parent here; you have lots of power.
> 
> How about sitting down with him and asking him to work with you to come up with a plan for tackling these challenges you two have in getting along, starting with his complaints about you?
> 
> That would show humility and openness. And your vulnerability would likely make him feel safe to open his heart to you, too.


Ok, thanks for the reminder. 

I hate to keep saying it, but talking to him does not work. I've tried. It's how my husband handles it too, when I have asked him to step in. He says we just need to keep working with him and talking to him. This is why I feel powerless. It's starting to be a very stressful environment, and I don't know if this is normal or not.

Consequences do work. But they don't do anything for our relationship.

Someone asked if I remember being a teen- yes, I do, but my parents simply would not allow disrespect. But we were afraid of our parents, and our boys haven't been raised that way. We've always talked with them and encouraged open dialogue. But never meanness.


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## dubsey

Jessica38 said:


> @dubsey, very helpful, as that absolutely would send a very clear message to my son because sports are his most favorite thing in the entire world. However, I guarantee my husband would not support me in benching him as it would humiliate him in front of his teammates. And I would need that support because before and after, my son would push back very hard. I'm not afraid of my son, but I would suffer as much if not more than him because it would cause problems with husband and son. It would take massive strength on my part to pull that off, so I guess I need to dig deep? I could go to the coach, who would support me.


A couple of things. Yeah, I did go to the coach first. Coaches are typically parents too and totally get it. The conversation went something like this:

me: kid's not playing. He's grounded, but I'm making him explain to you and the team
coach: that bad?
me: not at all. Nothing really, but he chose to double down and lie.
coach: understood

then had a big laugh about it after the game. A couple of parents didn't think it was fair (they didn't even know what happened) in that the team didn't need to lose because my kid was an idiot.

Now, at the end of the day, driving across town to watch him not play, and watch the team lose may have actually been much harder on me. That said, a few valuable lessons were learned. 

1. Don't be stupid
2. When you've been stupid, don't lie.
3. Lying will get you in more trouble than being stupid
4. There will be consequences, think about what you're doing/saying.

I haven't had to touch the phone or video game privileges since for behavior issues.


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## Jessica38

dubsey said:


> A couple of things. Yeah, I did go to the coach first. Coaches are typically parents too and totally get it. The conversation went something like this:
> 
> me: kid's not playing. He's grounded, but I'm making him explain to you and the team
> coach: that bad?
> me: not at all. Nothing really, but he chose to double down and lie.
> coach: understood
> 
> then had a big laugh about it after the game. A couple of parents didn't think it was fair (they didn't even know what happened) in that the team didn't need to lose because my kid was an idiot.
> 
> Now, at the end of the day, driving across town to watch him not play, and watch the team lose may have actually been much harder on me. That said, a few valuable lessons were learned.
> 
> 1. Don't be stupid
> 2. When you've been stupid, don't lie.
> 3. Lying will get you in more trouble than being stupid
> 4. There will be consequences, think about what you're doing/saying.
> 
> I haven't had to touch the phone or video game privileges since for behavior issues.


I'm running with this because in our case, an added lesson will be learned that I've been trying to impart for a year now:

5. Your behavior and how you treat people is more important than sports.

And his coach is a dad too, and his son is my son's best friend. So thank you!


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## crocus

Jessica 
What jumps out at me about the socks thing and friends...
Yes you are right to think he should buy the next pair. But don't threaten to do so, or embarrass him. Just do it. let him go buy more. When he's out, he's out. Too bad.
It's more of "matter of fact" attitude. 
Let him fail, fall due to his own lack of foresight or gratitude .
I wouldn't say a word about it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad

Jessica38 said:


> I believe it. Problem is, I don't have back up from husband, who would likely get upset with me for destroying his property.
> 
> He went through a phase of door slamming so hard it would shake the entire house. I warned him that if he continued to do it, we would remove his bedroom door. He did it again and I unhinged his door. He was so embarassed when friends came over that he begged us to put it back on, which my husband did. He never slammed a door again.


Your husband is doing him a huge disservice by allowing him to disrespect authority.

I'd focus more on getting him on board first, before dealing with your son's behavior.

Or else your kid's just going to continue to play both sides and play you both for fools.


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## jld

I don't think her son is "playing" anyone. She has said he is an intelligent, intense young man. She just needs to learn to work with that, instead of trying to control it.


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## Hope1964

crocus said:


> Jessica
> What jumps out at me about the socks thing and friends...
> Yes you are right to think he should buy the next pair. But don't threaten to do so, or embarrass him. Just do it. let him go buy more. When he's out, he's out. Too bad.
> It's more of "matter of fact" attitude.
> Let him fail, fall due to his own lack of foresight or gratitude .
> I wouldn't say a word about it.


EXACTLY. Shaming them in front of their friends isn't the goal. With the socks thing, I'd just say "Hmm, you don't have any socks? Didn't I just buy you a pair?" and that would be it. If he then asked for me to buy him another pair, I'd simply say nope, and leave it at that. And ignore the haranguing. When he whines about the fact he doesn't have the money, I'd reply "Hmm, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"

Actually, that line "Hmm, you have a problem. What are you going to do about it?" used to make my kids SO mad, because they know when I said it that I was NOT coming to their rescue. Because I never did.

As for your husband, I know what you mean about talking to him and that not working. You can employ all of the 'active listening' and humility and openness and vulnerability in the world, all that does is make you feel like you've been banging your head against a wall. 



Jessica38 said:


> I actually do have to give older son daily rides or he would not be able to participate in sports, which is his life. He needs the healthy outlet for his intensity. .


No, actually, you don't. You have a choice here. All you need to do is make it clear to your son first, and your husband second, calmly and matter of factly, that you are unable to continue doing what you've been doing under the circumstances you've been doing it. It will stop NOW. If husband will come on board and start backing you up, you can resume ride duties. But until that time, you can't do it, and it is therefore husbands responsibility to arrange something for son to get to his sports games. Whether husband pays for cabs, or arranges another kids parent, or gets him a bus pass, or WHATEVER, husband is the one who has to make sure he gets there, by whatever means it takes.

If you landed in the hospital, who would take him?? Your husband is perfectly capable of figuring this out, is he not?


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## Jessica38

@Hope1964 and @crocus, I'll do that next time, just say "Nope" when he tells me he needs a new pair of grippy socks for jumping. I did tell him that I just bought him a pair so if he'd like a new pair each time he visits the trampoline park, he will need to pay for that himself. I see this is where I went wrong- giving him a solution that offended him, instead if just limiting the conversation to "Nope." This turned into "You cant even pay $3 to get me a pair of socks? Wow, just WOW." And then I'm offended and want to discipline him. My concern was that we'd show up at the jump place with his friend and my other son, and older son wouldn't be able to participate unless I buy him jump socks (they don't let you use the indoor trampolines unless you have special socks). 
@Hope1964, I know that you are right- I just need to be wiling to take that next step. It will cause big issues though, so it will be my last resort if starting with missing a practice in the moment doesn't solve the issue.


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## Duguesclin

Jessica38 said:


> For those of you with teenage boys (or who have raised teenage boys), can you share some practical ideas for handling the disrespect?
> 
> My son is now in the phase of openly talking back, arguing, and criticizing me and today was especially challenging.
> 
> I was 2 min late (and still 15 min early for when we actually needed to leave- he likes to get to sports practice VERY early) getting into the car because *I'd been checking texts from his coach to make sure practice was still on* (rainy today and coach said stay tuned). He was screaming in the car while I was checking texts.
> 
> I got in, told him he didn't need to scream, I was checking his coach's texts. Son ignores me, looks at phone. I say "Hey, please reply to me and treat me like a person!"
> 
> He yells "Why do you always say that- treat you like a freaking person!? It's so weird!"
> 
> I turn off the ignition and explain that I won't be driving him to practice if he treats me like that. He apologizes. We drive 2 streets and he starts arguing that all he did was ask why I always say to treat me like a person, it's so weird.
> 
> I pull over. He is giving me dirty looks. Finally, we get to practice, and he tells me that I make everything a big deal. I remind him that he's the one who was screaming in the car. He says "OMG! Everything is an issue!"
> 
> He screamed today when reminded to put away his laundry. He growled when told to do a chore before video games. Each time, I called him on it and it turned into "OMG, you're SO strict."
> 
> Then he started criticizing me for telling his brother to throw away the banana peel.
> 
> I'm at my wits end. He lost device privileges for his rudeness.
> 
> But it's happening more and more. And it is all directed at me. My husband doesn't get bothered when our son is disrespectful so I'm on my own here. I need tips, please.


Jessica, teenagers have a great need to be treated as adults. From your post I have read, you seem to put a big emphasis on controlling behavior which is viewed by a teenagers as being treated as a child.

I understand that it is important to be respected by your kids and I agree that there should be consequences when they are disrespectful. However, you need to have many opportunities during the day when you have treated your son like an adult.

For example, with the bolded, why is it your responsibility to check the coach's texts to see if the training is on? It should be your son's responsibility. Your involvement should only be to drive him to practice, not more.

Transfer as many responsibilities to your son as possible.

Last year, with our now 18 year old son, we had an issue. He was responsible to make his own SAT test registration and preparation. Weeks passed by with no great movement from his part. Finally he registered but the prep was still going very slowly. 2 weeks prior to the test he realized he was far from ready and entered into a panic mode. He reached out to us and explained his challenge. My wife advised him and helped him focus and re-prioritize his schedule. He took the test and did well.

Try to lessen the control and give him as many responsibilities as you can.


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## Jessica38

Duguesclin said:


> For example, with the bolded, why is it your responsibility to check the coach's texts to see if the training is on? It should be your son's responsibility. Your involvement should only be to drive him to practice, not more.
> 
> Transfer as many responsibilities to your son as possible.
> 
> Last year, with our now 18 year old son, we had an issue. He was responsible to make his own SAT test registration and preparation. Weeks passed by with no great movement from his part. Finally he registered but the prep was still going very slowly. 2 weeks prior to the test he realized he was far from ready and entered into a panic mode. He reached out to us and explained his challenge. My wife advised him and helped him focus and re-prioritize his schedule. He took the test and did well.
> 
> Try to lessen the control and give him as many responsibilities as you can.


I'd love to do that. I brought this up to my husband, that son now has an iPhone and I can show him how to use iCal to schedule his practices and get him on the group text alerts from his coach.

Husband and son disagreed, as all group text goes directly to parents, not the kids. I'm sure this is due to our teens being under driving age. 

Do you have advice for moving this direction? Practices are often called and changed last minute. I'm on call many days and often don't even know if there will be practice or where, or how many (indoor and field work), though usually there is.

Hotel and parental help feeding team in between games during out of town tournaments and other logistics are dealt with this way too, which goes to the parents.


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## Evinrude58

You are not building a relationship by allowing your son to run roughshod over you.

I personally don't believe in EVER embarrassing a kid in front of anyone. I think that is NOT the way to build a relationship with them.

Being LOGICAL, FIRM, and DECISIVE is a strength that he should learn from you. You are not his buddy, his friend. Once his brain is fully developed and he is responsible and works and has his own life, you can just be his friend. Right now you need to be teaching him how to treat people, especially you.

What JLD says about talking to him and being vulnerable and such---- I think is nonsense. He will see it as WEAKNESS and continue to take advantage. 

My advice: Do not let your son get you to the point of anger. If he is not interacting with you in a reasonable away, you just stop and disconnect. Let HIM suffer the consequence of your disconnection. He caused it, he needs to see the result of his actions.

When you teach him how to respectfully interact with you, then you can talk with him like an adult and enjoy his company. How could you possibly have any kind of relationship with a son who bullies you. And that is EXACTLY what he is doing. He's bullying you. You don't seem to see that.

Consequences are the only thing that will change behavior. Don't give him consequences and this will all get worse. Don't be mean, don't lose your temper, just disengage and let the cards fall where they may. You are not his taxicab. You are not his wealthy sponsor. You are his parent. Anything you do for him other than provide food and shelter and safety is a privilege. YOU have taught him that he is ENTITLED to all this. He isn't, and needs to learn that. 

Again, this is just my advice. I am not a perfect parent, either.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> My advice: Do not let your son get you to the point of anger. If he is not interacting with you in a reasonable away, you just stop and disconnect. Let HIM suffer the consequence of your disconnection. He caused it, he needs to see the result of his actions.
> 
> When you teach him how to respectfully interact with you, then you can talk with him like an adult and enjoy his company. How could you possibly have any kind of relationship with a son who bullies you. And that is EXACTLY what he is doing. He's bullying you. You don't seem to see that.
> 
> Consequences are the only thing that will change behavior. Don't give him consequences and this will all get worse. Don't be mean, don't lose your temper, just disengage and let the cards fall where they may. You are not his taxicab. You are not his wealthy sponsor. You are his parent. Anything you do for him other than provide food and shelter and safety is a privilege. YOU have taught him that he is ENTITLED to all this. He isn't, and needs to learn that.
> 
> Again, this is just my advice. I am not a perfect parent, either.


Thank you. I needed to hear this. I do think there is entitlement going on and I am putting a stop to it. Can you give me an example of how to disconnect? We are about to leave town for a tournament where we will all share a hotel room for 3 days. If he is rude/disrespectful to me, I know my husband will address it by talking to him, but like you said, just talking with him does not stop the behavior. That has been our strategy for a while now and the behavior towards me is getting much worse. The only recourse I will have is to tell his coach and his coach will likely discipline him by benching him. But I'm not sure if making rude comments to me, or even just one rude comment, warrants this?


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## brooklynAnn

I have a teenage son. Parenting a boy is so much more difficult than a girl. He is more quiet and reserved. Non-Communicative and very defensive. He demands more privacy and is very private. 

My D throws everything out there. She shows all of her emotions and thoughts out for us to share, even if we don't want to hear it. 

I am very respectful of his privacy. I am very watchful of him and try to figure out what is going on with him because he never says. I have tried different question techniques, none works. Every now and then, I get a trickle of info. I am training myself to go with this and let it be ok. Because I hear @Ynot, saying not to judge him. I am letting him be and I hope all that I have imparted to him in the last 18 years have left some sort of imprint on him.

We have a policy in our home, we speak with respect to everyone. We don't curse or say bad things to each other. We don't hurt each other. I remembered when my kids were in elementary school, my D said one day, dad is a ****ty dad because he never comes to any school event. I told her the reason her mother is able to attend all of her events is because her dad works long hours to support them and me, so that we can do all things we do. She never complained or bad mouth her dad again. 

With my son, I allow him to manage his life. He has his things he does around the house, take out garbage, sort recycles, clean the hallway and he gets about @120 a week. What he does with his money, is on him. He never ask for more. He also, manages his after school stuff because he does not want me involved and I am letting him. 

We are in the process of choosing college. He picked his own schools, never asked me where I wanted him to apply to. All he asked for was our tax return and his acct. balance. One day he asked me to do his FAFSA and his CSS, he gave me a list of schools and that was that. I would have liked for him to have applied to different schools but he did not give me the chance to do it. 

This past two months we have been visiting his accepted schools and when ever I ask, where would you like to go....he always says, I don't know. Then, a few days ago he came into our bedroom and said, I am staying home to attend college and this is the school I am going to. I asked if he was worried about money because dad got this, he said no. He wanted to stay home. Ok. That was it. He does not require much from me I guess. 

I am trying not to butt in and direct him too much. With our daughter it was so different. We were overly involved and she needed our input for everything. He is just different. I have to accept that because if I don't it will change our relationship. He is a sweet loving boy and I am thankful for that. I don't want him to become angry and resentful at me. So, I am giving him his space and room to grow. 

He knows what we expect from him, he knows our boundaries and when ever he gets out of hand we just gently remind him. Some times I want to murder him, but I like living outside of jail. This morning on the way to school, he made me laugh when he asked if I will drop him off at college next year. I said, we will see.

I belief kids need boundaries and have an understanding of what is expected of them. Don't give them everything they ask for and don't give them the upper hand in the relationship. They are always going to test the boundaries to see what they can get away with. 

At this point, I am just trying to teach my son to be self reliant and make good choices, that he can live with. Thats all I can do.


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## Evinrude58

Jessica38 said:


> Thank you. I needed to hear this. I do think there is entitlement going on and I am putting a stop to it. Can you give me an example of how to disconnect? We are about to leave town for a tournament where we will all share a hotel room for 3 days. If he is rude/disrespectful to me, I know my husband will address it by talking to him, but like you said, just talking with him does not stop the behavior. That has been our strategy for a while now and the behavior towards me is getting much worse. The only recourse I will have is to tell his coach and his coach will likely discipline him by benching him. But I'm not sure if making rude comments to me, or even just one rude comment, warrants this?


Yes, it's simple. You load the stuff in the car, you turn the car towards home and there is no tournament for him. Will missing a tournament ruin his future? Will photosynthesis stop on the planet? Will the tides stop flowing?

You act like that this sport is as important as employment.

Show your son that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. He's not an idiot. HE will figure it out.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, it's simple. You load the stuff in the car, you turn the car towards home and there is no tournament for him. Will missing a tournament ruin his future? Will photosynthesis stop on the planet? Will the tides stop flowing?
> 
> You act like that this sport is as important as employment.
> 
> Show your son that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. He's not an idiot. HE will figure it out.


Thank you again, this is very helpful to me. Can you give me advice on how to approach my husband with this? He's trying, he's listening to the Boundaries with Teens audiobook with me, and we had a good talk this morning about setting boundaries by instilling consequences for disrespect with teen, but I know that my husband will disagree with me if I do this because my son is rude to me once this afternoon or tomorrow before a game. It would take a lot more for him to even consider this a punishment that fits the crime. My husband's tolerance is simply MUCH higher than mine. Our younger son is in the tournament as well, though on a different team. He will want to talk to our son, or ignore the disrespectful behavior, which causes it to escalate. If I do this, my son will immediately apologize and beg to stay. 

I have options- take 2 cars, or rent a car to drive home if need be. But it will require a lot of strength from me to do this alone. I agree with you, this is what needs to happen, and I know his coach absolutely will understand.


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## TX-SC

He should not treat you like a person, he should treat you like a parent. In return, you treat him like your son. Actions have consequences and he needs to learn that. He treats you with respect or he gets no practice or video games or whatever. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## crocus

What's rude disrespectful and what isn't?
This is where you decide what's important and you let the rest go.
It helps to remember he's around a different crowd, his primary influences are no longer "adults".
Yelling, swearing, racist remarks, bullying others, physical violence could be possible boundaries.
Judging and criticizing others cannot really be your business, as it's true for him, at that moment.
But you can help him learn how to judge others.
If he criticizes how you drink loudly, ask him "hmm why do you think that" and keep asking him questions "why is it important to you" " how do you feel when that happens " etc etc 
It's a way of not accepting criticism without judging people for judging you.
Hopefully that helps


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## john117

$120 allowance a week? Wow. Let's hope my kids don't read that 😁


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## southbound

I'm curious as to how it got this way. Have they always been disrespectful? Did it seem to happen overnight, or was it a gradual process. 

I guess I'm the oddball here; I have a 15 and 18 year old, and I can't remember the last time there was an "issue" of any kind. I can't say I experienced any teen grumpiness. It seems the older my kids got, the more mature they became.


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## Evinrude58

Jessica38 said:


> Thank you again, this is very helpful to me. Can you give me advice on how to approach my husband with this? He's trying, he's listening to the Boundaries with Teens audiobook with me, and we had a good talk this morning about setting boundaries by instilling consequences for disrespect with teen, but I know that my husband will disagree with me if I do this because my son is rude to me once this afternoon or tomorrow before a game. It would take a lot more for him to even consider this a punishment that fits the crime. My husband's tolerance is simply MUCH higher than mine. Our younger son is in the tournament as well, though on a different team. He will want to talk to our son, or ignore the disrespectful behavior, which causes it to escalate. If I do this, my son will immediately apologize and beg to stay.
> 
> I have options- take 2 cars, or rent a car to drive home if need be. But it will require a lot of strength from me to do this alone. I agree with you, this is what needs to happen, and I know his coach absolutely will understand.


Honey, I am not ok with son being disrespectful to me. I spend my time doing things to give him social enjoyment, exciting sports activities, and anything else he desires to enrich his life. But lately, rather than respect and appreciation, I am getting talked down to, an entitled attitude, and spoken to as if I am an employee and he is the boss.
I need your support in giving plain and obvious consequences for this behavior. If it means going home in the middle of weekend plans a couple of times, I'm expecting your support. I am unable to have you to assist me in dealing with his behavior on a daily basis. I have to be able to know that our son is going to react in a respectful way when he's alone with me. In order to change his behavior, I need to impose stern consequences without you interfering.

If your husband won't support that (I think he will be happy to), then simply inform him that you will happily step back and let him deal with getting son to his activities, since he is better able to handle the boy. Just basically let him know that you are done with the disrespect and are planning on solving it in x,y,z way. I can't see why he wouldn't see the importance of this. What do you think he will say? (Your husband)


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## Evinrude58

Btw, have you ever seen a kid that won't dare say a word to one parent, but walks all over the other?
You can darn well get some respect from your son by imposing consistent consequences for bad behavior. He may never speak to your husband in a way that you think is respectful, but he very well CAN learn to speak differently to you. And that's all in your power, if you choose to exercise it.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> Honey, I am not ok with son being disrespectful to me. I spend my time doing things to give him social enjoyment, exciting sports activities, and anything else he desires to enrich his life. But lately, rather than respect and appreciation, I am getting talked down to, an entitled attitude, and spoken to as if I am an employee and he is the boss.
> I need your support in giving plain and obvious consequences for this behavior. If it means going home in the middle of weekend plans a couple of times, I'm expecting your support. I am unable to have you to assist me in dealing with his behavior on a daily basis. I have to be able to know that our son is going to react in a respectful way when he's alone with me. In order to change his behavior, I need to impose stern consequences without you interfering.
> 
> If your husband won't support that (I think he will be happy to), then simply inform him that you will happily step back and let him deal with getting son to his activities, since he is better able to handle the boy. Just basically let him know that you are done with the disrespect and are planning on solving it in x,y,z way. I can't see why he wouldn't see the importance of this. What do you think he will say? (Your husband)


VERY helpful! My husband and I had a conversation along these lines before leaving for the weekend tournament on Friday and went over expectations with our kids right before starting the road trip. Teen was pleasant and respectful all weekend and has been all week. He genuinely seems happier, too, just all-around calmer. 

Someone asked when the disrespect started. When he was younger, even an infant, I quickly learned that he responded favorably to a very strong routine- any deviation or unexpected transition was difficult for him, so for many years my husband acquiesced to my somewhat rigid schedule with the kids (consistent mealtimes, rest times, early bedtimes, etc.). The whole travel sports thing totally threw that off, as we were with 12 other families and not on our own schedule at all. This is when things started to go south in terms of behavior, discipline, etc., and lack of support from my husband due to him not agreeing or wanting to follow a schedule/routine anymore. So this is when I stepped back, since it was causing stress and arguments. This is also when the disrespect started, so it has been escalating for a couple of years, but this year it was becoming much worse.

I'm now having to learn to address the behavior and talk about what could be contributing to the irritation, aggression, etc. (poor sleep, poor diet, exhaustion). My husband was very helpful this past weekend with that. I'm sure we will revisit the conversation again, but I think the key is staying one step ahead and setting expectations and agreeing on what to do if they are not met.


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## Evinrude58

Wishing you the best, glad you had a good weekend. Interesting how they respond when they think there might be actual consequences for bad behavior. Even more interesting ha how they are a whooe heckuva lot happier when boundaries are known and bad behavior isn't tolerated.

I think that's awesome that you and your husband got on the same page and things went smoothly.
Sure makes for a better week when the weekend is without drama and harmony exists...


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## Keke24

john117 said:


> $120 allowance a week? Wow. Let's hope my kids don't read that 😁


Pretty wild. I got $1/day until I was 16, which wasnt that log ago!


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