# Physical vs. Emotional Affair



## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Not sure if this has been covered before but I wanted to get some feedback. If it has been, please provide a link. 

Most know my situation. WW had an emotional affair with OM for about 6mths or so. If the NC letter is not completed by the end of the day, I'm going to file next week. 

My question is do most couple divorce because of a physical affair vs. Emotional?

Is it 50\50? I've searched the web and I looks like some people look as an emotional affair not being as bad as physical because of no physical contact. I think its as bad. 

I know every situation is different. Just wanted to know what you guys thought. 

Had some time on my hand and thought I would post this question. 

Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In some ways, I think EA can be worse than PA. A PA could be just that-physical only, or even a ONS.

But EA? Feelings and intimacy have developed over time, and with an EA, the WS starts to doubt their love for the LS, may start to rewrite history, be way too deep in the fog...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

As is said above--EA, can be as bad or worse, as the heart is given to the other man----makes no differance tho---in the end its all inappreopriate---no matter which way it went--she gave herself to another man---basically saying forget the mge, forget the H., forget the kids


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The EA IMO is harder to break then the PA.
I also think the EA is a deal breaker, I mean why try to love someone who loves someone else.
Were as the PA is just sex, in my case a band aid to help relieve a problematic marriage.

It can be argued that with a PA there is some sence of emotion that some need to have the sex, but I believe most of my WW OMs were just boytoys used by her and disgarded when any snece of commitment or emotion was expressed by OM.


Yes I'm weird, but the EA would have caused me to divorce my WW, b/c I was not going to fight for her. If she was confused or attempted to "fence sit" I would have been gone. Hell I was already gone it wouldn't have taken much to totaly bail on a already fragile marriage.

So when I confronted her she never had any emotion for the OM so it was easy for us to work on a healthier marriage. There wasn't an emotional influence that we had to deal with. If there was I'd be outa here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think a lot of times, it's difficult to separate the two, or the lines become blurred. It might start off as just physical, but after enough contact, it becomes emotional as well. Same on the other side... Enough texts and phone calls and sitting in a parked car talking leads to kissing, then petting, then sex...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I got to experience both. Hell they even went house hunting.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I can say with absolute certainty my wife has never cheated in any/either way. But I can't agree that a non physical affair would be 'worse'. Why? People get passionate about all sorts of things, hobbies, friends, cooking, and a million other things. But it's not a watershed even like rolling around naked with someone.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

this is bad:

I was a victim of the EA from my ex. And yes, I would have preferred a PA because the intimacy was the crushing blow. Knowing that they had first spoke about their "terrible spouses" and then it got more and more intimate.

To me that was the greatest betrayal I have ever experienced.

Eventually, it became a PA but that was just a confirmation and had very little impact compared to the EA.

Now it is all over and I am slowing moving on.

Karma will visit them. It visits us all.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

For me a PA no matter whether it was a ONS or a result of an EA would be a complte deal breaker.

An EA depending on how far it progressed would be as well. EAs manifest themselves in many ways and go through stages. So I will leave this with, it depends.

These are just my boundaries. I completely understand the question however. You will find me urging husbands whose wives are in an EA to have a sense of urgency to engage it. First to engage it before it is past the point of no return and prior to it going to a PA. I realize people have their own boundaries. In either case though waiting is not the way to go. Some folks have the attitude of letting things burn out. I cannot even go there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I suffered through my ex wife's EA/PA the first time I was married. With this wife, it was an EA. Its already agonizing enough when they give their heart to another person, to give their body as well is the deal breaker for me. It will not suffer the mind movies again. As a man, a PA on top of the EA, is so devastating to the self esteem. Was OM a better lover? Did she like him because he had a larger penis or something? Did she orgasm more with him? Did she do stuff with him in bed that she wouldn't do for me? The list goes on and on. Its devastating when sex life with the WW is conservative and she won't try or do anything new, then you have the mind movies of her having hot and wild sex with an OM. Yeah, the mind movies would be too much and I wouldn't want to go through that again. Hence, a PA is my deal breaker, and that's the ONLY reason this one is getting a shot at R. 

If circumstances were different, and OM was in the country or at least close by, I know she would have been banging his brains out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dgtal said:


> :iagree: I was going to post something similar. There are no "stages of Affairs". An affair is an affair, no labels attached. They will all lead to sex and consequences are devastation to the human being, to all persons involved. People get even killed for that.


Without getting into a long drawn out discussion I just want to weigh in that in my opinion there are definite stages to an EA.

I actually believe that low level EAs are rampant. Folks may not wish to call them affairs. That is where we probably have a different view. I think most are seen as very close opposite sex friendships. But they can go through some very definite stages.

At some point it becomes unfaithful. This is probably what you and I would agree on as a true affair and as being bad, simply because this is pretty much a ticking time bomb leading to the almost inevitble PA. So we vehemntlky agree on this, that once things get here it is just bad and the steps / stages really do not matter. It is an affair. 

There is a big difference between being very happy to be around someone and banging them at some secret place of their choosing. The affair starts somewhere in between.

But we see this in my boundaires. Past the very early EA I am not about stage. It is all bad after that. It is then a definite betrayal.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

EA makes WW find it difficult to recommit to the M. PA makes BH find it difficult to recommit to the M. 

In other words, with EA, you will find WW having difficult time readjusting to your demand for NC and reconnect with you as she just cannot turn off her feeling for OM. With PA, she may find it easy to kick OM to the curb and seek R, but you will have more difficult time accepting her back as we men are wired to feel disgusted with the taintedness of our Ws.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

In my mind an affair is an affair is an affair. 

Trying to separate the EA from the PA....just seems to much of a headache. Whether or not sexual contact was made, or just emotional connection or somewhere in between.

If a betrayal of the marital trust has taken place....it makes little difference if sex was involved, because it was going to end up there eventually.

I think victims get to involved with the whole "diagnosis" of the affair, shifting their focus away from taking care of themselves.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> In my mind an affair is an affair is an affair.
> 
> Trying to separate the EA from the PA....just seems to much of a headache. Whether or not sexual contact was made, or just emotional connection or somewhere in between.
> 
> ...


I think this is very fair comment.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> If a betrayal of the marital trust has taken place....it makes little difference if sex was involved, because it was going to end up there eventually.


Theoretically, yes, affair is affair. However, in dealing with the aftermath, the nature of affair does make huge difference.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Theoretically, yes, affair is affair. However, in dealing with the aftermath, the nature of affair does make huge difference.



In what way?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> In what way?


The degree of emotional attachment to OM/OW? 

PA for example creates mind movies and primal disgust in BH/BW. These all play huge factors in the process of attempted R. 

We, men, by our instinctive nature, tend to fear PA so much, but in reality, with EA, the emotional attachement is far more difficult to deal with as WWs find it so hard to turn off their feelings towards OM. The foggy aspect of A is so much more pronounced with WW in EA.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

In my case, I would have been quick to forgive and try to work on the M, work on R. But it was the sexting that gets me. The heart and love was given to the OM. Now he got to see what could have been his. Even if for one night. About 1.5 months ago, one week after D-day WW ask for me to let her spend one night with the OM. Now that's tough. After 18yrs, my best friend, lover, life. Asking me if she could enjoy one night.

WTF????? 

All this before I found this forum. Got help from a good friend. Before all the knowledge I have now.

I messed up in every way on d-day. Saying, I'll be here if things don't workout. Give me a chance to prove I'm better than him. You can talk as long as you don't leave. Don't leave me. My happiness was in your happiness. I would do anything to keep you happy. Why would you do this to me. And much more. I was a scary little dog. Wimp. Turnera slapped me pretty good with those words. Along with the MCoach. 

The week after it all went down. Everytime I see her, I only see pain. After 1.5 monts, it's going away little by little. And we are texting and speaking more little by little. She must have been in the fog big time. 

I still think she is. Currently gathing all documents for D. I might get the letter once D is filed. I might not. Even if I do, I don't really know if she'll get over OM.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

this is bad said:


> In my case, I would have been quick to forgive and try to work on the M, work on R. But it was the sexting that gets me. The heart and love was given to the OM. Now he got to see what could have been his. Even if for one night. About 1.5 months ago, one week after D-day WW ask for me to let her spend one night with the OM. Now that's tough. After 18yrs, my best friend, lover, life. Asking me if she could enjoy one night.
> 
> WTF?????
> 
> ...


Dont wait until next week to file. Do it TODAY.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Paperwork being submitted today.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EA and PA -- they are both bad and both destroy marriages and trust.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Before my H had an EA, I always thought that a PA would be the worse..now I believe EA's are worse...there is emotion and feelings behind the EA, whereas the PA may or may not have.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

this is bad said:


> In my case, I would have been quick to forgive and try to work on the M, work on R. But it was the sexting that gets me. The heart and love was given to the OM. Now he got to see what could have been his. Even if for one night. *About 1.5 months ago, one week after D-day WW ask for me to let her spend one night with the OM.* Now that's tough. After 18yrs, my best friend, lover, life. Asking me if she could enjoy one night.
> 
> WTF?????
> 
> ...


OMG. Good luck. Assume she will not and move on. You deserve better. Don't be her 2nd choice / fall back guy.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

I've been ready to move on. Last week when I told her I wanted D she was willing to do everything I wanted. last night she would tear up when I would talk about OM. To leave him alone. It was her that went after him, to blame her, it was her fault. Really!!! I said it takes two to tango. If he knew it was wrong he could have stopped. she could have stopped. but things got hot and juicy and now here we are. I guess this fog does not allow her to see things as they are.

Image if it went physical, then what. Her mind is full of jello as it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Interesting topic. To me, as a guy, I would rank affairs like this, from "best" case, to worst case

1) mild EA
2) ONS
3) deep EA with no PA
4) PA that got physical more than once
5) deep EA that turned PA

To me #4 and #5 are completely unforgivable. I would D, and never be open to R in any circumstance.

#1 is something you deal with, end, and move on, akin to a DS that got too flirty with someone

#2 and #3 are the borderline ones for me. The ONS would depend on the circumstance, who it was with, etc. If ONS #2 happened, I would D and never look back. 

My wife is in category 3. DDay May 5th of this year. We are working on R, but are not out of the woods. Some days I feel we will make it for sure, other days I want to give up.

In situation #3, the NC has to be in effect. IF that keeps coming back, then I would file for separation and make the reality strong, then see what happens next. Thankfully, my W has obeyed the NC since May 29th, the one time she broke it since DDay. 

It's a good debate.


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Stage 3 here also. No contact since first friday in Aug. Has agreed to all request, withsome resistance. But the letter. For me that's the biggie. The D process is a long one also, she still has some time. But the sand is running out quick. 

I never thought this would ever happen. At this point, 18yrs poof gone in a heart beat. I still stay up at night wondering why. For the trill of ???? I'm not too sure I could handle PA any better. 

I wonder what it takes for the the WW to stop thinking about the OP after the EA has been disrupted or over. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

this is bad said:


> I wonder what it takes for the the WW to stop thinking about the OP after the EA has been disrupted or over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A)Stop thinking about them? B)Or stop wanting to reestablish the EA. 

Stop thinking about them is next to impossible and not realistic IMO. There is no way, shape or form to accomplish that short of getting amnesia. Especially if talking about what happened is necessary for R to take place. For the person involved in the EA, the relationship is just as "real" as any PA. There are things that are going to remind you of the OP constantly. 

Now B, is and should be accomplished, almost immediately if you are sincere in your remorse for what has happened. 

So if by saying, "Thinking about" you mean "longing for." then the answers are as described above.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

They are both extremely difficult to deal with. My first husband with a PA, my current is EA. Both extremely traumatic depending on the extent. 

Betrayal is Betrayal, regardless of the physical part. The trust is broken and many times too difficult to move past. 

Good luck!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

dgtal said:


> You forgot one:
> 6) PA turning into EA.


Wow, yeah, that one probably would be the worst of all. Your DS f*cks somebody out of lust, not emotion, then after awhile, falls for them too. Wow. 

But it still falls into the same category of 4 and 5, which would be automatic grounds for D (IMHO).


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

this is bad said:


> Stage 3 here also. No contact since first friday in Aug. Has agreed to all request, withsome resistance. But the letter. For me that's the biggie. The D process is a long one also, she still has some time. But the sand is running out quick.
> 
> I never thought this would ever happen. At this point, 18yrs poof gone in a heart beat. I still stay up at night wondering why. For the trill of ???? I'm not too sure I could handle PA any better.
> 
> ...


The whole process is long, man. For both of you. Biggest mistake you can make is to put a time limit on it or rush it. Your pain will take a LONG time to heal. And her pull to the OM will be there for a long time too.

My W was close friends with the OM for 20 years, only turned into an EA for 1-2 months. She misses the friendship more than anything - but no chance I let her have that back.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

this is bad said:


> I've been ready to move on. Last week when I told her I wanted D she was willing to do everything I wanted. last night she would tear up when I would talk about OM. To leave him alone. It was her that went after him, to blame her, it was her fault. Really!!! I said it takes two to tango. If he knew it was wrong he could have stopped. she could have stopped. but things got hot and juicy and now here we are. I guess this fog does not allow her to see things as they are.
> 
> Image if it went physical, then what. Her mind is full of jello as it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I posed that question to my DS - at some point she had to know she was doing something wrong, yet she continued. She didn't have a clear answer for me.


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