# Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"



## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I have not posted on here for a few months now since my wife returned from the USA after our separation. I honestly thought that things would change between us. I believe we both tried. She being a step parent to 3 young kids of whom I have full custody and also so far from home. I think at 32 I was the absolute antithesis of the magical husband she had spent a lifetime dreaming of. No doubt my unwillingness or inability to keep my mouth shut led us to where we are now BUT I have absolutely learned that NO MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE HAPPILY WHEN ONE PARTY KEEPS THREATENING THE OTHER WITH DIVORCE. 

This is emotional abuse. It is manipulation. It is a marriage breaker. Eventually, as with a victim of bullying that wants to break free does, I decided to confront her after the most recent threat of divorce. I chose to stand up for myself. I tried explaining over and over again how these threats of leaving and divorce affect me a d my desire to keep putting in effort into our marriage. I honestly do not believe that she could help herself continuing doing so. I think such manipulative habits were formed in childhood. 

Even while I was arranging for us to go and see a marriage therapist (we've already been to 4 others), she tells me she is looking for apartments in the USA. ...A few days later she informs me of a booked flight back home and intention to file for divorce. 

Though she would often backtrack on her threats since I started calling her bluff, she is now saying that I pushed her away so she has no other choice! 18.5 months of threats and all kinds of crazy manipulative mind games will now come to an end. She has finally decided that she'll follow through on her threats. She returns to the USA on Monday. I will not beg as I did before. I do not care anymore. I have suffered enough emotional and psychological battering from a woman whose insecurities, incredible expectations and manipulative ways has crushed me to a pulp. Which makes me wonder, why do people do this? Why threaten and seek to manipulate? Did I do the right thing by confronting her or should I have been more patient after just 18 months of marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Why do they do it? Because they're in pain, they're trying to be heard and they don't know any other way.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

In another lifetime, I was married to a man who threatened divorce if I looked at him sideways. No, I do not believe he did it because he was in pain or trying to be heard. Believe me, he made sure he was heard. 

But it was his way or the highway. He controlled the finances, he controlled the investments, he controlled everything. Including me. Then I decided I had no desire to give away my power. So, I took it back, told him to shove it, and left.

In my case, at least, I was married to someone who threatened me with divorce in order to keep me in line. In other words, he played on my fear of abandonment to keep me under his thumb.

I'm glad that was a long, long time ago.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I think it's probably best for your children. All things considered. My ex kept mentioning divorce and I had already moved into my own apartment and so when he mentioned it for the last time, I said OK! Good idea! Take your stuff and leave! I saw him look me up and down and size me up, deliberately gauging my reaction, before he said maybe we should get divorced, we are not meant for each other.... Just be calm and stick to your guns. You are right, threatening divorce is just the tip of the iceberg of so many other conflict resolution and drama issues.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

My heart goes out to you.

I find that married people who constantly threaten divorce do it as a form of control and because they KNOW it hurts the other party. Because, WHY ELSE would you threaten such a majorly devastating/serious thing? 

People who constantly do this--you have to wonder how invested they are in their marriage.

I can relate a lot to Prodigal's post up there. It's something my exH did often, too.

While going thru my divorce, I found an article once online about a lady getting divorced. She said that she could still remember the first time he soon to be ex mentioned divorced to her... how maybe it was a good idea. She said that eventhough they got on well for some time after that that she would always remember that moment because from that moment onward, something changed. 

To some people marriage is a disposable game. They don't take it seriously which is why they can threaten divorce for every single little thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> This is emotional abuse. It is manipulation. It is a marriage breaker.


Yes, yes, and yes.



iBolt said:


> Even while I was arranging for us to go and see a marriage therapist (we've already been to 4 others), she tells me she is looking for apartments in the USA. ...A few days later she informs me of a booked flight back home and intention to file for divorce.


Let her go. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

People do what works. If she has repeatedly threatened divorce, she received some sort of reward for doing so. When the threats quit working for her, you'll hear fewer of them. You're already seeing this. I'm guessing this was her way of achieving leverage, escaping personal responsibility, and ending any disagreement with your frantic plea for her to stay. She's not big enough to punch your lights out so she uses the bludgeon available to her....the threat of leaving. Other variations of this include threats to commit suicide, threats to financially ruin you, etc. You're wise to not reward this sick behavior.


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Ouch, why do most people think that 'divorce' is the answer. Either they think it's the only way out or use the word to their own selfish advantage. Try telling her straight to the point but calmly, "Wife, if you want divorce then I have no other choice but to grant it to you. I am trying my best to work out the relationship [because..], but if I would be the only one willing to commit to saving it, then okay, you can file for a divorce. It would be sad losing a partner, but if you really want divorce then okay, I will let you go." *Take note of her reaction.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

The funny thing is that she is a good woman when she is not throwing tantrums of major proportions and has been gallant in her efforts in caring for my kids however, she has IMMENSE emotional needs which I simply do not have the capacity to meet. I have bought more flowers, washed more dishes, had more crazy sex and stayed home while she traveled to Africa for weeks due to her work while I was holding down two jobs too. Now she complains that she wants more than that even though I swear these were most of the things she wanted. She complained that we didn't have a healthy enough savings and pension pot even though she works but at least 90% of her salary stays in America for any future trips we make there. To address this a great opportunity to get paid good money working part time on top of running my business came up. We discussed this before I accepted. Now we have more money in savings account and growing pension fund. But there's a problem. I now get accused of putting work above our marriage and my kids while not making room for her to pursue her career. All these with the threat of divorce being bandied around whenever I get very cross with her. The less I cared about her feelings and needs, the more I decided to make my feelings known leading her to tell me I am unkind and uncaring. These I know are just not true but I do have the capacity to emotionally shut off. Nevertheless, does this warrant that I must live with this ever looming divorce? It just feels like one is constantly being put on notice at work...the next time you fart, you're out through the window.

So I don't know if I am doing the right thing or if I am quitting on my marriage but surely me going begging again as I've done over and over again will only make this happen. .well..again. 

That is not what a marriage is meant to be right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

No that is NOT what a marriage is meant to be. She quit on your marriage a long time ago. She is giving you a gift here, take it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Mine tried this a few times. I told her I would work till hell freezes over to make the marriage work. I had the patience of Job, but I wouldn't be threatened or become someone's byatch. If she didn't know which side of her toast was buttered, she could pull the pin on that grenade at any time but I wasn't begging or crawling for her or anyone else.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

It's manipulation. 

Call it when it happens.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I have not posted on here for a few months now since my wife returned from the USA after our separation. I honestly thought that things would change between us. I believe we both tried. She being a step parent to 3 young kids of whom I have full custody and also so far from home. I think at 32 I was the absolute antithesis of the magical husband she had spent a lifetime dreaming of. No doubt my unwillingness or inability to keep my mouth shut led us to where we are now BUT I have absolutely learned that NO MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE HAPPILY WHEN ONE PARTY KEEPS THREATENING THE OTHER WITH DIVORCE.
> 
> This is emotional abuse. It is manipulation. It is a marriage breaker. Eventually, as with a victim of bullying that wants to break free does, I decided to confront her after the most recent threat of divorce. I chose to stand up for myself. I tried explaining over and over again how these threats of leaving and divorce affect me a d my desire to keep putting in effort into our marriage. I honestly do not believe that she could help herself continuing doing so. I think such manipulative habits were formed in childhood.
> 
> ...


In my opinion you did the right thing, only you could have done it much sooner. How we allow people to treat us is in our control. It doesn't matter if it's in our marriage or someone on the street, you must stand up for yourself. I'd send her on her way and never look back.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



relationshipsguide_gal said:


> Ouch, why do most people think that 'divorce' is the answer. Either they think it's the only way out or use the word to their own selfish advantage. Try telling her straight to the point but calmly, "Wife, if you want divorce then I have no other choice but to grant it to you. I am trying my best to work out the relationship [because..], but if I would be the only one willing to commit to saving it, then okay, you can file for a divorce. It would be sad losing a partner, but if you really want divorce then okay, I will let you go." *Take note of her reaction.


Then I ask you, how much mistreatment and abuse is acceptable before filing for a divorce? Would you use a time frame or severity of mistreatment as a guage? Should a person just take it until they can take no more, then divorce the offender?


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



Prodigal said:


> In another lifetime, I was married to a man who threatened divorce if I looked at him sideways. No, I do not believe he did it because he was in pain or trying to be heard. Believe me, he made sure he was heard.
> 
> But it was his way or the highway. He controlled the finances, he controlled the investments, he controlled everything. Including me. Then I decided I had no desire to give away my power. So, I took it back, told him to shove it, and left.
> 
> ...


Good for you! I find it troubling when someone can't seem to remove themselves from a horrible situation.


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## saving relationships (Apr 22, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I think you two need to sit down and talk calmly, rationally, and honestly. Make a point on the honesty. Find out what is really bothering her. you cant force her to change, but you can sure change yourself. 

Remember when you are talking it is not about playing the blame game. While talking with her, suggest making a list of things that each of your admire about one another. The goal is to help you two remember why you are together.

It seems that your conversations are very tense and heavy. Try making some light conversation. Take a step back, and try to agree with the things she says. 

WHAT! AGREE! I know it may be a stretch but if she says that you don't listen or something of that nature, say yes, I agree. It may seem like I am not listening when you are constantly relaying orders. This can be incredibly effective.

This is just an example.

I hope this helps you and I wish you all the best. Always remember that there is a reason she is threatening divorce and not just sex or something like that. You have to work together to get to the root of the problem.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

saving relationships said:


> I think you two need to sit down and talk calmly, rationally, and honestly. Make a point on the honesty. Find out what is really bothering her. you cant force her to change, but you can sure change yourself.
> 
> Remember when you are talking it is not about playing the blame game. While talking with her, suggest making a list of things that each of your admire about one another. The goal is to help you two remember why you are together.
> 
> ...


I understand the principle behind the idea that rarely do people cry for no reason unless there are mental issues which in itself IS a reason. My problem is how can I trust that I will not be here again in a few months? I absolutely have no confidence thT she will or can ever be happy for long enough with whatever I do. She has VERY CLEARLY in the past stated what she desires. She wants a man that will grovel and drool all over her. She wants us to spend time together (which when we do - we argue or something given a day or two - I am often the guilty party who destroys our two day old bliss) it just gets wearying and tiring..to then have the threat of divorce blurted out without expecting an impact in the long run is just plain crazy. Why run such a risk just because you don't get what you want? 

She is an ardent feminist who believes in equality. This strand of thinking makes its way into almost all our disagreement. If I keep quiet (or shut down as she sees it) it'll be because I'm trying to 'control' the discussion and she is "NOT ONE OF THOSE WOMEN". I honestly do not know where these comes from. Divorce is in her view a tool that has empowered women. She once told me this. Is should have seen the pattern before now.

But I still can't understand why anyone regardless of how they feel so frequently issue out out divorce threats. Heck I do not want to be a psychiatrist or mind reader. I thought I married an adult. The story of the boy who cried wolf comes to mind. Can the neighbours be blamed for not helping when a real wolf turn up? Could they have been kinder? This is just plain crazy!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Fyi. She stopped wearing her wedding ring a few weeks ago so I took mine off a week or so later. She then tells me I was showing signs of rejecting her when I took my ring off. I wore it for a few days afterwards but decided that no more capitulation. So today, I have put my wedding ring by her bedside table as a sign that things are different now.

I just cannot believe all this crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Fyi. *She stopped wearing her wedding ring a few weeks ago so I took mine off a week or so later. She then tells me I was showing signs of rejecting her when I took my ring off.* I wore it for a few days afterwards but decided that no more capitulation. So today, I have put my wedding ring by her bedside table as a sign that things are different now.
> 
> I just cannot believe all this crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That.is.ridiculous.

What a game player.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Home now from work and she's being an angel of a homemaker, laughing and all jovial with kids. She's told the kids that she is going to America to see her parents. Not what she told me. I seriously hate this. Am I living with a pathological .....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

My wife constantly says things like this, and wonders why I feel like she always insults me. Ever since we dated she has used the terms at seemingly random times (For the first few years I tried to figure out what I could do to improve but she could never said what). About six months ago I told her that I wouldn't feel stable or comfortable just yet to have a kid because I felt neglected. I don't want to have a kid with someone who constantly threatens me and refuses to listen to any reason. It is not fair for the kid, especially if I am aware of the situation. Once I heard those words, it’s like they are embedded in my mind. She says she says them because she loves me. Now she is mad that I am in doubt about her saying very doubtful and hurtful words.

Things she says (There are more but top of my head):

This is a mistake.
Never have married someone younger than me.
Just let me go.
I want to go home.
Maybe we should divorce?
Maybe you should find someone better?
Maybe we are not supposed to be together.
You do your thing and I'll do mine.


As far as your situation, it may be because she misses home. Her family. Being far away in same country is different than being half way around the world. My wife keeps bringing it up, and I am at a loss of what to do. It's not like we can just pick up and leave, even though she INSISTS we would have a better life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



DiverGal said:


> My husband always threatens "it's over" when we get into a fight. Veiled threats of how he's done and how we just aren't meant to be together. After he has cooled down and I tell him how hurtful and destructive his words are, he claims "I didn't mean it that way, you took it wrong"
> 
> *From what I can gather of what he has said, he used this ploy in his last marriage - "I told her constantly if she didn't stop her behavior I was going to leave" *


Sounds like you are married to a real peach. I would have run for the door as soon as a guy I was dating told me that is how he treated his ex.



Sussieq said:


> Then I ask you, how much mistreatment and abuse is acceptable before filing for a divorce? Would you use a time frame or severity of mistreatment as a guage? Should a person just take it until they can take no more, then divorce the offender?


Entirely up to the person involved in the relationship to decide.



iBolt said:


> She is an ardent feminist who believes in equality. This strand of thinking makes its way into almost all our disagreement.


She is misusing the term feminism in a twisted way. Equality doesn't mean emotionally abusing your partner (which she is doing to you).



iBolt said:


> Fyi. She stopped wearing her wedding ring a few weeks ago so I took mine off a week or so later. She then tells me I was showing signs of rejecting her when I took my ring off.


You are married to a manipulative child.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Here is a recent email exchange between us today:

I wrote

You may notice that I have left the wedding ring you gave me on your bedside table. An awful lot has changed for me this week and I have decided to plan for my future alone. Do let me know when you file the divorce papers in Arizona as you have said you will do. I will then decide a way forward for myself and the children while you're away. I will not tell them anything about the divorce but will leave you to determine timing of that discussion.

I am not overstating things when I say that the last few days has changed many things for me. I am no longer willing to live my life in fear. I am very sorry

She then replies saying:


A ring on my bedside gave me no message at all. You have made it clear to me for at least a month now, that you have divorced yourself from me. Papers simply make it legal, but nothing more. 

My response to her reply:

I have nothing further to add. 

--------
This effectively has been the story of my life for nearly two years. Heaven help me to have learned my lesson this time around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

What happened a month ago that she's referring to? What happened before you noticed her ring off her finger? She's one upping you. Her response is full of "I got you first."


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Fyi. She stopped wearing her wedding ring a few weeks ago so I took mine off a week or so later. She then tells me I was showing signs of rejecting her when I took my ring off. I wore it for a few days afterwards but decided that no more capitulation. So today, I have put my wedding ring by her bedside table as a sign that things are different now.
> 
> I just cannot believe all this crap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would you play her game by taking your ring off?
That just put slack in the line.

Take the high road ALWAYS! Keep the tension on.
She is the one with issues... not you.

Do you want this fixed or extended?
Be smart and don't cave to your emotions... you are a man start acting like one.
You control you... do it right.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Yeah she is a child. 

Sounds like she was looking for a way out and wasn't woman enough to own it so she wanted you to say it first.

CHILD.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Home now from work and she's being an angel of a homemaker, laughing and all jovial with kids. She's told the kids that she is going to America to see her parents. Not what she told me. I seriously hate this. Am I living with a pathological .....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get the kids' passports and put them some place for safe-keeping.

And the next time she threatens divorce, calmly agree.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I honestly don't remember what happened a month ago that she's referring to. She has and keeps an inventory of crap that happened from yonks ago. These are often if not always bereft of balance. I guess I probably did something which pissed her of. She might be referring to the morning when after she did something which I consider quite out of order in front of kids to me, I told her in nk uncertain terms that I thought she was a manipulative and mean women. Crumbs, I was mad! But this was said in the room away from kids. This was the first time I confronted her about her behaviour. She then took her ring off as mentioned earlier. 

I never asked her for a divorce neither did I suggest separation. I did make my feelings known and I was grumpy, not willing to engage much with her. Perhaps this is what she refers to as me divorcing her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I honestly don't remember what happened a month ago that she's referring to. She has and keeps an inventory of crap that happened from yonks ago. These are often if not always bereft of balance. I guess I probably did something which pissed her of. She might be referring to the morning when after she did something which I consider quite out of order in front of kids to me, I told her in nk uncertain terms that I thought she was a manipulative and mean women. Crumbs, I was mad! But this was said in the room away from kids. This was the first time I confronted her about her behaviour. She then took her ring off as mentioned earlier.
> 
> I never asked her for a divorce neither did I suggest separation. I did make my feelings known and I was grumpy, not willing to engage much with her. Perhaps this is what she refers to as me divorcing her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you see her point?

It takes one of you to make a stand irregardless of the other.
Tit for tat games do not work.

Be her rock.

Or divorce her.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



Jellybeans said:


> Yeah she is a child.
> 
> Sounds like she was looking for a way out and wasn't woman enough to own it so she wanted you to say it first.
> 
> CHILD.


:iagree:

No doubt.

BTDT. I couldn't file papers fast enough. I just wanted my ex and his silly ass to get out of my life. I heard he remarried and did the same thing to her, she ended up filing. He told everyone (about me) that I didn't work on the marriage long enough. :rofl:

WTF is there to work on when your partner explicitly tells you he wants out and shows you so every single day? Lunatic.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I honestly don't remember what happened a month ago that she's referring to. She has and keeps an inventory of crap that happened from yonks ago. These are often if not always bereft of balance. I guess I probably did something which pissed her of. She might be referring to the morning when after she did something which I consider quite out of order in front of kids to me, I told her in nk uncertain terms that I thought she was a manipulative and mean women. Crumbs, I was mad! But this was said in the room away from kids. *This was the first time I confronted her about her behaviour.* She then took her ring off as mentioned earlier.
> 
> I never asked her for a divorce neither did I suggest separation. I did make my feelings known and I was grumpy, not willing to engage much with her. Perhaps this is what she refers to as me divorcing her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well there you go. You confronted her. How dare you! Know your role!

If I were you, I wouldn't wait for her to file papers. Part of the problem is that she enjoys control over you and the course of your relationship. Some of that is YOUR fault, you taught her how to treat you. You have played her games and in the past it has worked for her. She gets her way, and you get humiliated until the next exchange.

Stop the cycle and file. Show her once and for all you don't take threats lightly and she is NOT worth the grief any longer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



A Bit Much said:


> *I heard he remarried and did the same thing to her*, she ended up filing. *He told everyone (about me) that I didn't work on the marriage* long enough. :rofl:
> 
> WTF is there to work on when your partner explicitly tells you he wants out and shows you so every single day?


:iagree:


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Get the kids' passports and put them some place for safe-keeping.
> 
> And the next time she threatens divorce, calmly agree.


I already have. She's now either vacillating or saying I divorced her. Heaven help me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Don't listen to her. Protect yourself.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I already have. She's now either vacillating or saying I divorced her. Heaven help me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's going to test the ever-lovin' hell out of your resolve, so you'd better have a clear idea about what it is you're resolved to do.

What's your plan?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

This is unbelievable. She is now telling me that we both asked for a divorce. Issue arose during dinner. In fact, she put her ring back on while telling me that I have showed no sign of wanting to be with or around her. We had a chat in the room after the dinner time issue arose. I re emphasised what she told me on Wednesday that she was leaving for Arizona to file for divorce. It suddenly is now my partly my fault. I told her that I will not engage in a tit for tat who is responsible for divorce argument. 

The unbelievable thing now is that she is sobbing in the bedroom and the kids know she is crying. They're upset. 10 yr old has asked me if she will be leaving us. 5 yr old was saying that daddy made her upset. This drama is totally creaming me. 

She still has not retracted her divorce statement. Why the hell do people do this crap? Why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> This is unbelievable. She is now telling me that we both asked for a divorce. Issue arose during dinner. In fact, she put her ring back on while telling me that I have showed no sign of wanting to be with or around her. We had a chat in the room after the dinner time issue arose. I re emphasised what she told me on Wednesday that she was leaving for Arizona to file for divorce. It suddenly is now my partly my fault. I told her that I will not engage in a tit for tat who is responsible for divorce argument.
> 
> The unbelievable thing now is that she is sobbing in the bedroom and the kids know she is crying. They're upset. 10 yr old has asked me if she will be leaving us. 5 yr old was saying that daddy made her upset. This drama is totally creaming me.
> 
> ...


Why do people play games? Because they can. They do what works for them to get their way. In the past, her hysterics have produced desired results----->FOR HER.

I would take the kids out for ice cream or something, and tell them Mommy isn't feeling well so we should give her space.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> This is unbelievable. She is now telling me that we both asked for a divorce. Issue arose during dinner. In fact, she put her ring back on while telling me that I have showed no sign of wanting to be with or around her. We had a chat in the room after the dinner time issue arose. I re emphasised what she told me on Wednesday that she was leaving for Arizona to file for divorce. It suddenly is now my partly my fault. I told her that I will not engage in a tit for tat who is responsible for divorce argument.
> 
> The unbelievable thing now is that she is sobbing in the bedroom and the kids know she is crying. They're upset. 10 yr old has asked me if she will be leaving us. 5 yr old was saying that daddy made her upset. This drama is totally creaming me.
> 
> ...


Does it really matter? Let her say whatever she wants! YOU know what the truth is. If it takes YOU filing, then so be it, you know that she wants out, and you and your kids deserve better than the crap you have been being served by her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> This is unbelievable. She is now telling me that we both asked for a divorce. Issue arose during dinner. In fact, she put her ring back on while telling me that I have showed no sign of wanting to be with or around her. We had a chat in the room after the dinner time issue arose. I re emphasised what she told me on Wednesday that she was leaving for Arizona to file for divorce. It suddenly is now my partly my fault. I told her that I will not engage in a tit for tat who is responsible for divorce argument.
> 
> The unbelievable thing now is that she is sobbing in the bedroom and the kids know she is crying. They're upset. 10 yr old has asked me if she will be leaving us. 5 yr old was saying that daddy made her upset. This drama is totally creaming me.
> 
> ...


Please remain calm for your children. Do not badmouth their mom and do not start fights in front of them. Since she is Queen Drama, it's up to you to show them how a REAL adult handles situations.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I am choosing to sleep in a separate bedroom. .actually the living room. I could so easily uncoil myself from my position and try to make things work again but I seriously cannot get myself to emotionally budge. I care so little right now that I feel near heartless. It doesn't feel right to feel this way about something that at times felt so great. However I know only too well how the horrible times pan out. 

I will not budge nor try to smooth things out. I will wait for her to return to America and see if she does file the divorce papers as she has threatened to do. If she doesn't I will find a way to grind my teeth and bear it as soul wrenching as it will be. If she doesn't I will have to have us sit with someone and demand an explanation for the threats and want for her to understand how this has turned my blood cold. 

I really am a living witness to what happens to someone who gets bullied or frightened for long enough. After a while you just don't give a hoot about what that person does to you because you will not take it lying down any more - no matter the cost or consequence. 

Couples should never do this to each other. It is deadly stuff to a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

My exwife used to threaten divorce after most of our heated arguments. 

But she took it a bit further. Eventually she filed.

Then she had a meltdown and took it all back.

So then I filed. Everyone has their limits.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



GTdad said:


> Get the kids' passports and put them some place for safe-keeping.
> 
> And the next time she threatens divorce, calmly agree.


The children are not her children.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The children are not her children.


Correct. They 3 kids are mine of whom I have full custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Gotcha. One less complication.

And good job on getting custody. You're a good dad, and being a good dad has to be job #1 right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Do you want to save your marriage if she will just stop the drama and threatening divorce?

What did she do in front of the children that lead you to tell her that she is a cruel woman?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Gotcha. One less complication.
> 
> And good job on getting custody. You're a good dad, and being a good dad has to be job #1 right now.


I love my kids to smithereens. I make myself emotionally very available to them whenever I sense they need it. The funny thing is that she's told me on a number of occasions that the best way a man can show love to his children is by loving their mum.

She feels I put the kids ahead of her or that they're more important to me. I try to explain to her that in my mind, it is not a competition. This is my family and I love everyone. Having divorced their mum and knowing what they've been through, I worry for them and just want to help them. I sincerely thought that all women love men that are great with kids. I even thought they found it rather appealing but it seems I was dumb thinking that. I just never thought that a competition of who is number one would come up between my wife and her step kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you want to save your marriage if she will just stop the drama and threatening divorce?
> 
> What did she do in front of the children that lead you to tell her that she is a cruel woman?


Honestly, I do not believe she can stop threatening me in some way shape or form. She is the youngest in her family. Her folks are good people but I do think she really got away with a lot. She is a very strong character just like me and also rather smart. I have -100 trust that she will not manipulate or raise the spectre of divorce again when things get rough at home as they often do. I just don't think the exit door is the way.

Re what she did that led me to calling her a "manipulative and controlling woman".. 

On Saturday morning kids had breakfast and were playing around in the house. She just started doing some chores in the kitchen. To get kids out of the way, I decided to take all three kids into eldest child's room to play with them. The two eldest were playing an academic game on my tablet while the 5yr old laid on my chest while I read to him.

All of a sudden, she came upstairs yelling "Everyone get out now. (My name) you should set an example for your children. It is not a mother's job to do chores alone..."

The kids, stunned by this looked quite perturbed by the tone and manner but nevertheless promptly got up and started doing some work. I was fuming. She often makes out that she is the only one doing everything when it is NEVER like that. I cook clean and do domestic chores as put many women to shame...I am not bragging at all. However, when she is doing housework, no one dares sit with feet up. Hell no! Maybe it is the women's lib stuff that triggers her reaction- I don't know but it is sometimes worrying. Nevertheless I told her within hearing of kids that she should quit moaning. I think this was wrong of me. I could have handled that better.

Anyways, I went into our bedroom to get changed. She then came into the room accusing me of disrespecting her a d yelling at her. I told her to go away and leave me alone as she was being "a manipulative and controlling woman". I was shocked about these words but ghose precisely expresed my feelings of the last 18 months. 

So there's your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Who's the adult in your marriage? I don't see one enlighten me.

Why play her game? You are not helping by doing the tit for tat approach at all.

If you really want the marriage to survive you need to stop what you are doing.
Step back and think about your part in this mess.

Or is it all her?

A: no

You don't cherish your wife. You complain about her. Do something different a new approach.

Think of your kids for once. Not just you.

Its easy to wallow in self pity but not in the middle of a forest fire!

You control what you do. That's half the battle.

Do you enjoy fighting?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Who's the adult in your marriage? I don't see one enlighten me.
> 
> Why play her game. You are not helping by doing the tit for tat approach at all.


Fair point. However considering the months of apologising and making up despite your own hurt feelings, swallowing your pride and simply trying to stay hopeful that divorce won't be an issue again - the temptation to no longer just 'take it quietly' is very real. I feel like I have to speak up for myself and no longer be controlled. 

The irony of this mess is that I am a relatively successful owner of a business employing about 50 people with a part time job working in government policy field for parliamentarians. So I am no dud or lazy broke ass man. I don't womanize, I don't drink, smoke or indulge in porn or all that stuff. I work hard and just wish for some respect in my own home. I am no angel. I simply shut down when I feel hurt or recoil into my cave. She hates this but I have no choice since I simply just get tired of arguing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Or is it all her?
> 
> A: no
> 
> ...


If you read my posts, you will see that I state areas where I have made poor choices so no, it's not "all her"

I think you've jumped to some conclusions here. I think I cherish her but perhaps not the way she wants when she wants it. If you read my earlier posts, you will see that the things she expressly said that she wanted from I did most of them despite them not being natural to me. The goal post then gets changed when she says that's not really what she needs. I am doing an extra job partly to address her concerns about our finances which would be much better were her salary be fully used for the family here in the UK. 

Eventually, even a Saint will get tired of chasing the wind. I cannot fulfil the level of emotional needs she has. If that makes me a bad husband despite everything else that I do then so be it.

Regardless of these, if you think that warrants constant threats of divorce when she does not get her way, the I would disagree. 

I do not enjoy fighting. In fact, I hate it. I'd soon rather reach a compromise than to be disagreeable. It is just hellishly hard when she wants to talk through things at 1am when I have to wake up at 6/7am for a meeting. Having been through these discussions so many times, I know what is coming and just don't want any of it. What is reasonable or acceptable? 

As per me thinking of the kids, I do. Sometimes, the right course of action to take is not immediately apparent when confronted by a woman sobbing in front of kids or yelling across as to malign you. Foresight is better than hindsight. 

Honestly you don't know a tenth of the story hence I'll give you the benefit of doubt for your presumptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

At least she wants to talk through things at 1am...call in sick and solve it.
How important is your marriage vs job.

Ask her what she wants and listen.
ASk her wht she needs from you to be happier and listen.

Learn to listen and not pre-judge.

Or divorce her.


Oh... and you apologize ONCE.
ONCE is enough.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

"Oh... and you apologize ONCE.
ONCE is enough."

I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or serious in light of your previous paragraphs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Honestly, I do not believe she can stop threatening me in some way shape or form. She is the youngest in her family. Her folks are good people but I do think she really got away with a lot. She is a very strong character just like me and also rather smart. I have -100 trust that she will not manipulate or raise the spectre of divorce again when things get rough at home as they often do. I just don't think the exit door is the way.
> 
> Re what she did that led me to calling her a "manipulative and controlling woman"..
> 
> ...


How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Honestly, I do not believe she can stop threatening me in some way shape or form. She is the youngest in her family. Her folks are good people but I do think she really got away with a lot. She is a very strong character just like me and also rather smart. I have -100 trust that she will not manipulate or raise the spectre of divorce again when things get rough at home as they often do. I just don't think the exit door is the way.
> 
> Re what she did that led me to calling her a "manipulative and controlling woman"..
> 
> ...


So you and your three children had breakfast, then you went off with your children and left your wife alone to clean up after you and your children.

I agree with her. What you did was wrong and disrespectful. She is not your children’s mother. Nor is she your maid. Was this the first time she complained about this sort of thing? I’ll bet not. 
Your children are old enough to be taught how to clean up after a meal. 

Between the examples you gave and your comment that no one sits with their feet up when she is doing housework, I get the impression that your wife is feeling taken advantage of by you.

You do not get extra brownie points for going things around the house. If it was just you and your wife, you would be responsible for 50% of all housework, chores, cooking, shopping, etc. But you have 3 children. Thus your level of responsibility is much higher. You have custody of your children. If you did not have your wife around you would be doing 100% of all house responsibilities, taking care of the children and earning the money to support you and your children. Any help that your wife gives you is her being very nice to you. It’s not her job to pick up after your children.

Your example shows a lack of respect for your wife. The comment “The kids, stunned by this looked quite perturbed by the tone and manner but nevertheless promptly got up and started doing some work. I was fuming.” Shows a huge lack of respect for her on your part. Your children were stunned and perturbed? Really? While your wife might have found a less confrontational way to say what she said, I get the idea that it was not the first time that she has tried to get you to understand that it is not her responsibility to pick up after your children. And you respond but encouraging your children to be disrespectful and you being disrespectful. The right response would have been for you to apologize for your thoughtlessness and to get up and work together to clean up.

You would benefit from reading some books on step parenting. MC is definitely in order if there is any chance at all of saving your marriage.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you and your three children had breakfast, then you went off with your children and left your wife alone to clean up after you and your children.
> 
> I agree with her. What you did was wrong and disrespectful. She is not your children’s mother. Nor is she your maid. Was this the first time she complained about this sort of thing? I’ll bet not.
> Your children are old enough to be taught how to clean up after a meal.
> ...


One of the disadvantages of this kind of platform is the need for brevity. The putting feet up part was a figure of speech not meant to be taken literally. I never put my feet up. On this occasion she was hoovering. The night before I was. She cooks and I clean. I cook and she cleans. This 50/50 crap is simply ridiculous. I don't count what percentage of whatever I do. I just do what needs to be done and not expect the whole frigging world to fall at my feet because I am working. Heck that's what you do as a parent. The kids DO do a lot of work at home and they earn pocket money in return (some times). 

If we take this 50/50 theory further since you raise it, 100% of my salary pays for our family expenditure etc. Barely 10% of hers goes makes its way to our joint account. The rest of her salary stays in her US bank account. To prosecute a long running court case. FYI, she's been in Africa for 3 weeks in January and about 2 weeks in March/April. Gjess who stayed home and did 100% of the work? I do school run every so that she can go to gym or do her work, put kids to bed, and I am hands on at home bath them clean up. I don't sit down feet up watching tv while she slaves away in a dungeon or something. I don't demand a gold medal for what I do or throw a tantrum when I don't get it or start talking playing victim. We all do our fair share of domestics. Even my little 5 year old will sweep the floor. 

The problem this particular morning is the scenario where if she is doing housework specifically, you must drop what you're doing and come join her in that particular activity. For example, I sometimes work from home. She then starts hoovering the house. She gets upset or grumpy if I don't leave work and come move this or that. She is VERY VERY particular about how she cleans and it must be done a particular way. She often believes she is the only one working, cleaning, cooking and sacrificing. Everyone else simply takes advantage of her.

The morning I mentioned, I did not have breakfast. She and the kids did. The kids washed their bowls as usual and cutlery. I went down by time they were done. I did not know she was doing a full blown clean out of the house. Anyways, I disagree with your assessment of domestic responsibility in our home. Whatever the case may be, it does not warrant threats of divorce and manipulative behaviour of this extreme. No?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


Sorry I don't keep count. I know that we go to movies, restaurants and stay in hotels overnight just the two of us. When we're not fighting we do things together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Sorry I don't keep count. I know that we go to movies, restaurants and stay in hotels overnight just the two of us. When we're not fighting we do things together.


The rule of thumb is that a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy.. things where you are focused on each other. Goiing to movies does not count because you are both focused on the movie.

Spending this time is what keeps the passion and 'in love' feeling alive in the marriage. 

I'm wondering if you two are not getting this time and that it's a large part of your problem. It might be at the core of why she says you put your children ahead of her. I don't know for sure of course, but it's often the case.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The rule of thumb is that a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy.. things where you are focused on each other. Goiing to movies does not count because you are both focused on the movie.
> 
> Spending this time is what keeps the passion and 'in love' feeling alive in the marriage.
> 
> I'm wondering if you two are not getting this time and that it's a large part of your problem. It might be at the core of why she says you put your children ahead of her. I don't know for sure of course, but it's often the case.




Thanks for the suggestion but I don't think we spend half of that. When we fight. It ends uk at zero hours. I am not sure how practical this is when we both work. I have two jobs (see reason in earlier posts) and her job takes her to Africa for quite 10-20 days at a time every 2 months on average. 

The concern for me remains this crazy threats of divorce and the havoc they play on my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> One of the disadvantages of this kind of platform is the need for brevity. The putting feet up part was a figure of speech not meant to be taken literally. I never put my feet up.


Of course it’s a figure of speech. I know what it means.



iBolt said:


> On this occasion she was hoovering. The night before I was. She cooks and I clean. I cook and she cleans. This 50/50 crap is simply ridiculous. I don't count what percentage of whatever I do. I just do what needs to be done and not expect the whole frigging world to fall at my feet because I am working. Heck that's what you do as a parent. The kids DO do a lot of work at home and they earn pocket money in return (some times).


The 50/50 thing is not crap. Of course neither of you should try to measure the exact percentage of work you do around the house. The point is that you are obligated to do your fair share around the house. This is especially true since you have 3 children that you alone are responsible for.



iBolt said:


> If we take this 50/50 theory further since you raise it, 100% of my salary pays for our family expenditure etc. Barely 10% of hers goes makes its way to our joint account.


If you try to argue housework against money you will always lose. Keep the two topics separate. 

There are 5 people living in your home. If we look at it as your money and her money, you are responsible for supporting yourself and your three children. Your wife has zero financial obligations to your children. So her potion of the expenses could be argued to be 1/5th or 20% of the expenses. Maybe the reason she keeps her money separate is that she is concerned that you will use her money for your children. 

This is a difficult thing when a person marries someone with children. Coming up with a way to handle the child care, extra house work due to the children and the extra expenses. Did the two of you talk about this before you married? Did you come up with an agreement?


iBolt said:


> The rest of her salary stays in her US bank account. To prosecute a long running court case.


Did you know about this court case before you married her? Did you two make an agreement about this?


iBolt said:


> FYI, she's been in Africa for 3 weeks in January and about 2 weeks in March/April. Gjess who stayed home and did 100% of the work?


Why are you so upset that you did 100% of the house work and child care when she was on travel FO WORK? That’s the way it goes. When one spouse is traveling for work, they are not at home making the normal day to day messes. So the person who is at home does 100%.


iBolt said:


> I do school run every so that she can go to gym or do her work, put kids to bed, and I am hands on at home bath them clean up.


They are your children so I hope you do these things. This is what a parent does when they have custody of their children. You wife has no obligation at all to do these things. 


iBolt said:


> I don't sit down feet up watching tv while she slaves away in a dungeon or something. Don't demand a gold medal for it then when you don't get it you throw a tantrum and start talking 50/50. We all do our fair share of domestics even my little 5 year old will sweep the floor.


If you all do your fair share, why did you all leave your wife to clean up? In the example you gave, you and your children just walked out and left your wife to clean up. She was justified in feeling like this as not right. 



iBolt said:


> The problem this particular morning is the scenario where if she is doing housework specifically, you must drop what you're doing and come join her in that particular activity. For example, I sometimes work from home. She then starts hoovering the house. She gets upset or grumpy if I don't leave work and come move this or that. She is VERY VERY particular about how she cleans and it must be done a particular way. She often believes she is the only one working, cleaning, cooking and sacrificing. Everyone else simply takes advantage of her.


This is something that you two would need to work out. It needs to be negotiated. She has to leave you alone when you work at home. So if she needs your help to move things, she will have to schedule vacuuming for when you are available. This is the kind of thing that a counselor can help you with.

Your wife might have the need to have you work with her doing housework. This might be a kind of companionship she needs. If it is, then maybe the two of you can schedule a time to do certain chores together. Working as a team is far more fun than working alone. 

The book “His Needs, Her Needs” further helps to figure out what all the ‘little things’ are and helps a couple negotiate them so that a marriage does not blow up for this kind of silly stuff.


iBolt said:


> The morning I mentioned, I did not have breakfast. She and the kids did. The kids washed their bowls as usual and cutlery. I went down by time they were done. I did not know she was doing a full blown clean out of the house. Anyways, I disagree with your assessment of domestic responsibility in our home. Whatever the case may be, it does not warrant threats of divorce and manipulative behaviour of this extreme. No?


So what do you think the domestic responsibilities should be in your home?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Thanks for the suggestion but I don't think we spend half of that. When we fight. It ends uk at zero hours. I am not sure how practical this is when we both work. I have two jobs (see reason in earlier posts) and her job takes her to Africa for quite 10-20 days at a time every 2 months on average.
> 
> The concern for me remains this crazy threats of divorce and the havoc they play on my mind.


She is wrong to use the threats of divorce. Often times when a person is so unhappy that they don’t know what to do they start acting out. 

Either you married a crazy woman who is just mean and horrible. Or you are married to a woman who is at her wit’s end and therefore acting out in ways that she would not normally behave.

I wish she could come here and talk to us, but I doubt that will happen. Since you are there with her, You are the one who needs to determine this for yourself. 

The two of you clearly do not get enough time together to maintain your bond/passion. When this happens anger and annoyance moves in to replace the good feelings you two used to have for each other. This is most likely why she keeps saying that you put the children ahead of her…. Because she is getting much less of your time than a wife should be getting. You are also not getting much less time with your wife than you should be getting. 

I understand that you are over worked with 2 jobs and 3 children to raise. I can understand that it’s difficult to find the time to spend with your wife. But something has to give here. 

The two of you need to learn how to communicate and negotiate/compromise. Then you need to tackle the problems: time together, parenting issues, house work, money management are few things that come to mind.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> "Oh... and you apologize ONCE.
> ONCE is enough."
> 
> I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic or serious in light of your previous paragraphs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its simple you make ONE apology for anything you realize was the cause of the current issue. Fix your part in it even if part of the fix you feel are 'unfair" like in your case sharing household irresponsibility you do 51% initially.

You can't win until you take care of your own responsibilities.

After you apologize then healing can happen.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Yes. I have three kids who are my sole responsibility BUT I also have a wife! I think it is total fallacy to suggest that they're your kids and my responsibility is limited to zero because they're not mine. I pay money for the youngest to go to pre-school so that she gets to do her work at home. A job that she gets paid for. She goes to away for days on end and gets paid for it too. And you're suggesting her fair share is 1/5ths of finances. I earn about 3-4 times what she earns. But my annoyance are two fold:

Firstly, for someone so engrossed in the topic of equality, why is it ok for her to stash her money away in a different country. Is that equal? It is clever but not equality in my view. My understanding of her court case was that it was drawing to a close. I never knew it would drag on for 2yrs. Her lawyer thought it was a no win case and she's throwing money away. So if my income covers 100% of her living costs, if I was to lose everything, how do we survive? This is a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

Secondly, she is often reminding me how much she is sacrificing for me etc. but never recognising that I have effectively subsidised her case for a year at the expense of our finances. My solution was getting a second job. Now she complains that I don't support her in what she does. 

Either way - there is no winning. 

As per your frequent assertion about her limited responsibility for the children. I find it worrying because it sounds like she can do what she likes when she wants as they're not her kids. It's all down to me. So what is the point of having partner if there is no collective responsibility of and for everything. I don't think the finances being treated as a separate issue is healthy. We are either a family that brings together all of who we are and what we have or we are not. It is a matter of principle and fairness which should go both ways in my view. 

I appreciate your helpful suggestions all the same. Do however understand that all these are coming at the tail end of threats, tantrums and exits from the house to stay at friends in the middle of the night, flinging car door open while I am doing 60mph cos she's pissed and wants me to stop the car for her to get out (I have never been so frightened all my life) which has been done twice now. She was threatening divorce even on our honeymoon a d has continued to do so at least every two-three months. She actually printed out a completed divorce form last year asking me to check for accuracy before she went to the states. She ended up not submitting after I begged.

I am not even close to being a perfect man but I cannot continue working on a marriage that is filled with this kind of devastating threats. If it was sex that I was begging for that's bad enough but this is way different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

You accept it.

Actually why do you keep trying? Do you love her or not?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Eventually, even a Saint will get tired of chasing the wind. I cannot fulfil the level of emotional needs she has.


iBolt, I still agree with NotPerfect's statement -- posted last August -- that you are describing the classic behavioral traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/54701-confused-afraid.html#post1025821. 

If NotPerfect is correct, your effort to meet your W's needs is "chasing the wind," as you say. Indeed, it as futile as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun. I agreed with NotPerfect in my response to you at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/54701-confused-afraid.html#post1029081.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Its simple you make ONE apology for anything you realize was the cause of the current issue. Fix your part in it even if part of the fix you feel are 'unfair" like in your case sharing household irresponsibility you do 51% initially.
> 
> You can't win until you take care of your own responsibilities.
> 
> After you apologize then healing can happen.


Oh crumbs now that's another Pandora's box right there. My wife is a very educated and smsrt woman who has a lot going for her. I have however never met someone to whom you apologise and will then turn to you and say "no you're not sorry" or "what are sorry for" in demand of an explanation. This is a very different experience for me. This has made apologising rather difficult for me lately because in my end I just end up thinking "what's the point if she ends up making me grovel in shame?" or "what's the point if she'll end up threatening a divorce anyways? "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> You accept it.
> 
> Actually why do you keep trying? Do you love her or not?


You're right Trying2figureitout. I am so confused by this drama and games. I can say that when we have good times - it is frigging awesome. When we're not fighting our sex life is quite amazing but these are stop-start -stop -start- divorce threats. I keep trying because I think things will change or get better on both sides. I keep trying also becayse of fear of the unknown. A case of "the devil you know.." scenario is very much applicable. She is a girl with a lot going for her that can be huge blessing to my life. We're two very gifted people with very strong qualities also. I really wish I could satisfy her but the price for this is just costly. I also am afraid of what people will think of me being divorced twice. 

Man I feel quite stupid in many ways. ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Just to add. I love kids and would love to have more. She then agreed that we should try for one or two after I eventually gave up happily on the idea after she said "she's not a maternal person". She then comes to me out of the blue a few months ago saying she'd like to have kids. 

We had a disagreement some weeks later and a most hurtful and manipulative thing was said which was "Why should I have kids with someone who treats me this way".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Here's my 2 cents.

IMHO, the touchy-feely advice about spending more time together, doing more housework, et cetera will not be effective, because it doesn't address the core issue.

I also don't think your wife is bi-polar or mentally ill (but hey, I'm not doctor, so take my opinion with a grain of salt).

There is one concept that weaves its way though all of your wife's actions: *control*.

Threatening divorce is a control technique.
Keeping money in a separate account is a way to control it.
Continuing to pursue and lawsuit that her lawyer tells her is a lost cause sounds like someone that can't stand having something in their life that is out of control.

The need to have her life completely under her control is an outward expression of an inward fear. Instead of looking at her as a confident, strong, assertive, aggressive woman, you should look at her as a scared little girl. Because, inside that's what she is.

*Who is the leader in your home?*

I have read this analysis in a number of places (it's politically incorrect; and yes I know *it doesn't apply to all women*, so ladies please don't jump in and side track the thread into a "well, I'm not like that" direction).


The #1 emotional need of women is security.
When their husband assumes a strong leadership role in the family, their wife feels secure; she feels confident that she can depend on him to handle any of life's problems that come their way.
When the husband doesn't act as a strong leader of the family:
The wife, at least unconsciously, loses confidence that the husband can handle the problems life throws at them.
Her need for security is unmet.
She steps into the family "leadership" role vacuum.
Unlike actual leadership, it is manifested as controlling actions; if she can't trust her husband to take the needed actions in a crisis, then she will control him to ensure she can (if required) force him to take any needed actions. 

It's not surprising she is dismissive of your apologies. She's probably thinking, at some level, "if he can't stand up to me, what's he going to do when there's a real crisis; what's he going to do when there's a real threat to our family? Will he grovel to a rapist that is about to take me, will he apologize to a crooked banker that is about to screw us financially, or will he fight?"

You haven't given her any indication that you will fight. I'm sure you would throw yourself in front of a moving bus to save your wife, but she doesn't know that, because your *actions* don't give her confidence in you.

There's a parable in the Bible that ends with the line: _those that have been trustworthy with small responsibilities will be entrusted with larger responsibilities, but those that have been untrustworthy with the small responsibilities will haven even those small responsibilities taken away from them and they will be given to someone else._

In other words: if you would take leadership on the small things; you wife would be open to trusting you with leadership on the bigger things. But, because you don't lead on the small things she not only doesn't trust you to lead on the big things, she has taken on the leadership role on the small things herself.

At this point, I'd recommend two books: 

1) "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover.

A lot of your actions are typical "nice guy" mistakes. 

2) "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Kay.

You should not read this as a "how to have more sex" guide. Rather, you should focus on the parts that emphasize how to become more assertive and dominant in your marriage (yes dominant). There's find line between leadership and dominance, but if you run in terror from the idea of being dominant over someone else you'll never achieve leadership.

*As to your specific question about her threatening divorce...*

I would use a technique called broken record. It's a two part response that is formulated as: "acknowledgement of her statement, broken record statement."

I understand you are upset about..., but I'm not going to change the way I act because you threaten me with divorce.
I can see why you're upset, but I'm not going to change the way I act because you threaten me with divorce.
I can see you want me to..., but I'm not going to change the way I act because you threaten me with divorce.
I hear that you think I'm uncaring, but I'm not going to change the way I act because you threaten me with divorce.
I know you think I put work above family, but I'm not going to change the way I act because you threaten me with divorce.

The point is to remove the effectiveness of the threat by staying on point. BTW, this technique is from the book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Smith.

You also need to start setting boundaries, make it clear that some actions by her are simply unacceptable. The "No More Mr Nice Guy" book has some info on that too, which is another reason you should read it. 



> She is an ardent feminist who believes in equality. This strand of thinking makes its way into almost all our disagreement. If I keep quiet (or shut down as she sees it) it'll be because I'm trying to 'control' the discussion and she is "NOT ONE OF THOSE WOMEN". I honestly do not know where these comes from. Divorce is in her view a tool that has empowered women. She once told me this. Is should have seen the pattern before now.


If you look around the internet, you'll find tons of posts written by women wondering "where the real men went." Ironically, the farther left/more-feminist the site the more likely you are to see this concern raised.

You should judge a person by their actions, not by their words. The fact that she says the above doesn't mean it's true. She man think that at an intellectual level, but at a deeper level it's very unlikely that she desires a submissive partner. 

BTW, I married a woman who was exactly the same way when we married. Yet (years after we married) when I started stepping up to take more of a leadership role in our marriage--when I started to become more dominant--she became happier in our marriage (it took her a while, but she finally told me exactly that). The fact is, had I not assumed a stronger leadership role in our marriage we would have been divorced by now. Go figure.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> However, when she is doing housework, no one dares sit with feet up.


I used to call this "the work rule" with my wife. 

I could have spent all day doing yard work, and she all day socializing with her friends. But, if she started cooking supper and I wasn't in there helping somehow I was the lazy bum expecting her to cook my supper while I sat on my ass (this literally was an example of an event that happened).

The fact that I applied a label to it ("the work rule") and started pushing back on it even cause her to back down some. It took a while, but now we're at the point that I can say "is the work rule in effect here" to cause her to stop for a moment and think about what's going on.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Fair point. However considering the months of apologising and making up despite your own hurt feelings, swallowing your pride and simply trying to stay hopeful that divorce won't be an issue again - the temptation to no longer just 'take it quietly' is very real. I feel like I have to speak up for myself and no longer be controlled.
> 
> The irony of this mess is that I am a relatively successful owner of a business employing about 50 people with a part time job working in government policy field for parliamentarians. So I am no dud or lazy broke ass man. I don't womanize, I don't drink, smoke or indulge in porn or all that stuff. I work hard and just wish for some respect in my own home. I am no angel. I simply shut down when I feel hurt or recoil into my cave. She hates this but I have no choice since I simply just get tired of arguing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should also consider that people that divorce and remarry tend to remarry the same type of person. So, there's no guarantee that you won't just find yourself right back in the same situation.

I actually think your situation is solvable, just not the way you're approaching it. 

If nothing else, by working on this one you'll at least learn some good lessons that might prevent you from making the same mistake next time.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Yes. I have three kids who are my sole responsibility BUT I also have a wife! I think it is total fallacy to suggest that they're your kids and my responsibility is limited to zero because they're not mine.


This is one of those boundaries I was talking about.

When you marry a person, you marry everything that comes with them--including kids. If the situation was reversed; if she had three kids and you were saying you weren't responsible for her kids; you'd be getting your head handed to you by the women on this board (and rightly so).

They are just as much her responsibility now as yours. That's what she accepted when she married you. she shouldn't feel put upon because they are now her responsibility and she isn't entitled to a pass when it comes to taking care of them--they are now both you and your wife's mutual responsibility; that's the way marriages are supposed to work.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> Here's my 2 cents.
> 
> IMHO, the touchy-feely advice about spending more time together, doing more housework, et cetera will not be effective, because it doesn't address the core issue.
> 
> ...



Wow! Thanks for these insights. I think I am moving in that direction now. I hate to hurt people's feelings and even worse being labelled a bad husband so I give in, apologise for things, all out of guilt and fear. Now I am standing up for myself and also saying "I don't think a divorce is the solution but if you wish to I will not resist nor beg one bit. If you wish to stay in this marriage, that will be your choice to make and I'll make mine for me. I am done living under a cloud of divorce"

The divorce thing is a total control tool and a heinous one too. The most staggering thing for me is that I run a good business and hold down a highly responsible role working in Westminster. I don't get taken for a ride in business deals or political stuff. I am also a pretty big guy. I just don't look like the average dude that can be made to crumble this way but heaven knows I have shed tears like a baby. It is just rather ironic for me. Nevertheless, I will take on board your suggestions. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> This is one of those boundaries I was talking about.
> 
> When you marry a person, you marry everything that comes with them--including kids. If the situation was reversed; if she had three kids and you were saying you weren't responsible for her kids; you'd be getting your head handed to you by the women on this board (and rightly so).
> 
> They are just as much her responsibility now as yours. That's what she accepted when she married you. she shouldn't feel put upon because they are now her responsibility and she isn't entitled to a pass when it comes to taking care of them--they are now both you and your wife's mutual responsibility; that's the way marriages are supposed to work.


I totally agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> She is an ardent feminist who believes in [manipulation].


Fixed that for you. 

The "women are victims" framing is the cover, behind which is all manner of bullying. 

The fact it weaves itself into every discussion indicates how important it is as a manipulative weapon.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Fixed that for you.
> 
> The "women are victims" framing is the cover, behind which is all manner of bullying.
> 
> The fact it weaves itself into every discussion indicates how important it is as a manipulative weapon.


Took a few seconds to notice the fix but I'd say it's a good one. It's taken me much longer to notice what was happening ie that I was being manipulated. I want to work on my marriage. I don't want another divorce. However I am no longer willing to do so with a gun to my head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Yes. I have three kids who are my sole responsibility BUT I also have a wife! I think it is total fallacy to suggest that they're your kids and my responsibility is limited to zero because they're not mine.


Where is the mother of your children? Why is she not involved in their lives?
I think you garbled the above sentence but I think I understand what you mean. 
You seem to think that by marrying you, your wife has taken on being the mother to your children. She’s not their mother. She’s their step-mother. Anything she does for them is nice, but it’s not her obligation.

I have 2 step-children. When I married their father he had sole custody of them. I had custody of my son. So we raised the 2 children together. I acted towards my step-children as though I was their mother. Actually I ended up to be the only parent who took care of them and financially supported them. I did this by choice knowing that I have no legal or moral obligation to do this for someone else’s children. It was my choice. But most step parents do not take this role. And most children resent a step-parent who does take that role. My step-children resented it. They were angry at me because their mother and father had basically stepped out of their lives. It was not until they were in their 20’s that they were able to understand what when on. And at that point the apologized to me for giving me such a hard time all those years.



iBolt said:


> I pay money for the youngest to go to pre-school so that she gets to do her work at home. .


Your wife has no obligation to babysit your children. Sorry but it’s your obligation to provided child care for your children when you are at work.
If your wife is working at home, she is still working just the same as if she were working in a office somewhere. But where she works does not matter because she has no responsibility to babysit your children.


iBolt said:


> A job that she gets paid for. She goes to away for days on end and gets paid for it too. .


Now I can understand if you don’t like your wife traveling a lot for work and being away from home a lot. But this is not what you are talking about here. What I’m getting from this is that you think she is wrong to travel because she should be home when not at work doing housework and taking care of your children. Sorry but step parenting does not work this way. She has no responsibility to take care of or support your children.
 



iBolt said:


> And you're suggesting her fair share is 1/5ths of finances. I earn about 3-4 times what she earns.


It does not matter if you earn more than she does. What does this have to do with anything here? 
My point about the 1/5 is that there are 5 people living in your home. So there are 5 people using utilities. There are bedrooms for 5 people. You are legally responsible to support your own children. Your wife is not. You should be paying a larger portion of the household expenses, food, etc. because you are responsible for supporting your children. She has no responsibility to support your children.



iBolt said:


> But my annoyance are two fold: .


I don’t know at you mean by “annoyance” here. Please explain.



iBolt said:


> Firstly, for someone so engrossed in the topic of equality, why is it ok for her to stash her money away in a different country. Is that equal? It is clever but not equality in my view. My understanding of her court case was that it was drawing to a close. I never knew it would drag on for 2yrs. Her lawyer thought it was a no win case and she's throwing money away. So if my income covers 100% of her living costs, if I was to lose everything, how do we survive? This is a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. .


I am not engrossed with equality. What I’ve been doing is to play devil’s advocate here and give you a different point of view. It’s a valid point of view and I’ll bet is pretty close to her point of view.

I agree with you about the idea of her stashing her money in another country and throwing good money after bad on a court case that you say is a no-win situation. She can only do this because you are supporting her. This is why I asked if you two discussed this before you got married. This is something that should only be done under joint agreement. However local customs and laws could make a difference.

I don’t know what culture you are from. In some cultures it’s considered normal, and even part of family law that the husband is obligated to support his wife and children. Any income earned by the wife is legally hers and hers alone. She is supposed to pay for the extras in her life out of her money… like if she wants to take a trip with friends, buy herself some clothing over and above the normal clothing that a woman would need.

In other cultures like here in the USA all earned income is community income in a marriage. If you earn 3-4 times what she earns. Then she only make 20%-25% of the community income. So you live in a place where it’s 50/50 community property… your wife is keeping only 20%-25% of the community income to herself. She is entitled to 50% of the community income. 

Usually I think that married couples are better off just putting all of their income into a joint account and paying all bills out of it. If her income were equal to yours, then this model might be unfair to her since she would be contributing equally to support your children. But in your case her income is small compared to yours so even with a joint account you would be supporting your children out of your larger share.



iBolt said:


> Secondly, she is often reminding me how much she is sacrificing for me etc. but never recognising that I have effectively subsidised her case for a year at the expense of our finances. My solution was getting a second job. Now she complains that I don't support her in what she does. .


You are right that she can only do what she is doing because you are subsidizing her. She’s wrong to put this pressure on you. She’s wrong to make it so that you have to work two jobs. 

Pick your battles. This is one of the battles you need to fight if you stay together. If she leaves you, will she be able to continue this legal case? Or will she need to end it to support herself? This is leverage you have. She is always threatening divorce? Well tell her that she is welcome to leave as long as she uses you financially so she can chase windmills in this court case.

Do you mean that she complains that you do not support her in this court case? It’s soaking up 20%-25% of your joint income with apparently almost no chance of paying off. Of course you are upset about it.
 



iBolt said:


> As per your frequent assertion about her limited responsibility for the children. I find it worrying because it sounds like she can do what she likes when she wants as they're not her kids. It's all down to me. So what is the point of having partner if there is no collective responsibility of and for everything. I don't think the finances being treated as a separate issue is healthy. We are either a family that brings together all of who we are and what we have or we are not. It is a matter of principle and fairness which should go both ways in my view. .


This is something that blended families struggle with. Each family works it out their own way. My point has been that it seems that your wife does not feel that she has responsibility for your children. And legally she does not have responsibility. She could spend years raising your children.. then you divorce her. And you could prevent her from ever seeing your children again. She has no rights to see your children at all. She is not their legal parent and never will be unless she adopts them.

Why have a partner? Did you marry her to get a baby sitter and someone to pick up after your children? Did you marry her to get a pretend mom for your children? Or did you marry her because you love her and want a woman you love? If you married her to get a pretend-mom who does your baby sitting and cleans up after your children, you apparently married the wrong woman. This is apparently not your wife’s view of what she wants.

The reason for having a partner is for YOU to have someone you love with you. 

I get the impression that the two of you did not think this through very well and did not talk about now your family would operate before you got married. Maybe now is the time to do it.



iBolt said:


> I appreciate your helpful suggestions all the same. Do however understand that all these are coming at the tail end of threats, tantrums and exits from the house to stay at friends in the middle of the night, flinging car door open while I am doing 60mph cos she's pissed and wants me to stop the car for her to get out (I have never been so frightened all my life) which has been done twice now. She was threatening divorce even on our honeymoon a d has continued to do so at least every two-three months. She actually printed out a completed divorce form last year asking me to check for accuracy before she went to the states. She ended up not submitting after I begged. .


Look, I’m not saying that your wife’s behaviors are acceptable. They are not. There is no defense for opening a car door while going 60MPH. She has a problem with the way she demonstrates her anger and frustration. Your wife needs help for anger managerment. And if she does not stop this type of behavior NOW my advice is for you to divorce her. Endangering the lives of others is a form of serious abuse.

But you seem to want to work on your marriage. You wife is not here to give us her side of the story. I’m not sure that she’s the very horrible person you make her out to be. If she were that horrible why are you still with her?

So I am trying to help you see that your wife might very well have some valid points. You seem to want to her take over the role of the mother of your children. She’s not. And it seems that she does not want that role. Some step-parents will assume that role. Others will not. Most counselors/experts advise the step-parent to not take the role of the parent.

There are some good books on Amazon.com on the topic of step parenting. It might help if you and she were to read a couple of them.


iBolt said:


> I am not even close to being a perfect man but I cannot continue working on a marriage that is filled with this kind of devastating threats. If it was sex that I was begging for that's bad enough but this is way different.


She uses the threats because she gets the reaction she wants out of them. Apparently you cannot get her to stop the threats just by asking her to. She gets too much out of throwing them around. After all you beg her to stay, etc.

In the future you need to stop arguing with her when she is angry. Sit her down when there is not anger and tell her that you will no longer engage with her when either of you are angry, being hurtful, etc. Tell her that you will use the “STOP” gesture… Hold your hand up in the stop gesture and say firmly “STOP”. Tell her that you will then walk away to give the both of you a chance to calm down. Tell her that you will go to room by yourself or for a walk/drive to give you both a chance to cool down. Do not ever argue with her again.

I did this with my son’s father. He was a lot like your wife. It took about 6 months for him to learn that I would not put up with his angry outbursts. Then he started doing something like going for a bike ride when he was feeling angry to calm himself down.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Where is the mother of your children? Why is she not involved in their lives?
> I think you garbled the above sentence but I think I understand what you mean.
> You seem to think that by marrying you, your wife has taken on being the mother to your children. She’s not their mother. She’s their step-mother. Anything she does for them is nice, but it’s not her obligation.
> 
> ...


Great advice. I will try this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> You're right Trying2figureitout. I am so confused by this drama and games. I can say that when we have good times - it is frigging awesome. When we're not fighting our sex life is quite amazing but these are stop-start -stop -start- divorce threats. I keep trying because I think things will change or get better on both sides. I keep trying also becayse of fear of the unknown. A case of "the devil you know.." scenario is very much applicable. She is a girl with a lot going for her that can be huge blessing to my life. We're two very gifted people with very strong qualities also. I really wish I could satisfy her but the price for this is just costly. I also am afraid of what people will think of me being divorced twice.
> 
> Man I feel quite stupid in many ways. ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may be someone with a lot going for her who COULD be a blessing in your life, but she is choosing NOT to be. And dont worry what other people may think, this is YOUR life, not theirs. I would say its time to call her bluff, next time a divorce threat comes out of her mouth, agree.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

UPDATE:

Wife is now in America despite my efforts to try and make up with her a day before she left. I feel very stupid now. I suggested to her that either of us holding our positions however hurt we feel will not fix our marriage. I also said that I didn't there's anything wrong with our marriage but rather it was the both of us that needed to fix ourselves so a divorce is not the solution. I also apologised if I had hurt her feelings. She incredibly had the gumption to say "Do you think we would be better off as friends instead of husband and wife?"

I couldn't believe it. I should have kept quiet and let her leave for the US as she was hell bent on seeing a divorce attorney. 

I went to see a therapist today. I showed her the emails that had been exchanged between wife and me in last few days and after describing as objectively as possible all that has transpired - she was firmly of the view that this was a form of abuse and that the actions she displays are childish tantrums that are destructive to a relationship.

This really was good for me to here from someone very experienced in dealing with this kind of situation. I came out of the session seriously feeling angry with myself for having allowed myself to be bullied like this for so long to the point where I felt that there was something wrong with me. I made clear that I am not perfect but I just wasn't sure if wife's reactions to my shortcomings were justifiable or even normal.

Here is the clincher - I sent her an email asking to go ahead with the meeting with the DA as I am done. She then replies TOTALLY backing out saying that I am trying to control her actions and she wasn't going to a DA anymore. She loved me and wanted to see how she can make the marriage work. I was fuming! She would not even apologise nor acknowledge her actions.

So effectively, our family has been walked out on again. She is now telling me to file for the divorce because she isn't anymore. I do not want to file in anger but the truth is - I feel nothing for her anymore. All these games have wreaked havoc on my life and confidence. I just don't see the way back from this. How can I live with someone I now resent and have no trust or respect for? 

Meeting with the therapist for first time today (she is the 6th I have seen in 18months - so far the best and will continue with her) was the very best thing for me. It gave clarity and allayed fears. Now I need the courage to act for myself re: divorce instead of having her play these games on me. I still feel like I am dreaming. How surreal!


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce?  Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Will I be in the wrong by filing for the divorce? I always thought she would since this is something she'd always wanted. I now call her bluff in a major and she says "No, you file for the divorce" Truth is that I have no juice left for this marriage.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

You need to withdraw from her drama. Stop interacting with her. Don't contact her in any way. Ignore her communications. Detach! Take a break to calm down and think clearly. Don't make any decisions until you accomplish that. Concentrate on yourself and your children, for now. Then make your next decision about the marriage.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> You need to withdraw from her drama. Stop interacting with her. Don't contact her in any way. Ignore her wcommunications. Detach! Take a break to calm down and think clearly. Don't make any decisions until you accomplish that. Concentrate on yourself and your children, for now. Then make your next decision about the marriage.


Thanks anchorwatch. I'll do just that. It seems like I feel so angry since visit with therapist today. Does anyone know why this might be? I think that the final realisation that I allowed myself to be so battered emotionally without clocking on for so long is really eating at me.

Any thoughts will be appreciated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

You've have some nice guy tendencies. You like to please and think others should reciprocate. It's a nice way to look at the world that way, but it doesn't happen. You're upset now that you've worked by those rules, but she didn't abide by them. That is why you feel foolish. IMO

While you try to detach form her, have a read.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I just feel crippled by fear of the unknown as to make me want to believe that everything will be great should we just make more of an effort. Moving forward seems dreadful, maintaining the status quo is unthinkable and turning back hand of time is impossible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Moving forward seems dreadful, maintaining the status quo is unthinkable and turning back hand of time is impossible.


At least you have a few options.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I just feel crippled by fear of the unknown as to make me want to believe that everything will be great should we just make more of an effort. Moving forward seems dreadful, maintaining the status quo is unthinkable and turning back hand of time is impossible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Moving forward may seem scary, but it can be very, very positive, whereas continuing things the way they are, is misery. You have proof that it is, because you have been living it. If you change nothing, then nothing changes.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I'm not a doctor, but she sounds like she has some sort of cluster b personality disorder. If I were you I'd tell her that she has to see a therapist or you're out, but it sounds like she's the type who would refuse to go.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



BrockLanders said:


> I'm not a doctor, but she sounds like she has some sort of cluster b personality disorder. If I were you I'd tell her that she has to see a therapist or you're out, but it sounds like she's the type who would refuse to go.


Well I don't know about the BPD thing as I think it is very easy to throw a label on things. I do however see signs of one thing or the other. Heck, if she was on here, I suppose someone would have suggested to her that I probably have some kind of something

Anyway, I think she would go absolutely crazy if I suggested that she go and see a therapist alone. You see, my ex wife had (and still has) a major mental health problem. This answers why, among several other reasons, I have full custody of my 3 children. So my wife now would possibly say as she has done before "I am not your ex-wife....are you saying I am crazy? No wonder (insert ex' name) went crazy having lived with you"

You can imagine how hurtful some of these references to my previous relationship were but me asking her to go and see a therapist alone or for some issues will set the house ablaze.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



EleGirl said:


> Where is the mother of your children? Why is she not involved in their lives?
> I think you garbled the above sentence but I think I understand what you mean.
> You seem to think that by marrying you, your wife has taken on being the mother to your children. She’s not their mother. She’s their step-mother. Anything she does for them is nice, but it’s not her obligation.


EleGirl:

1. Their mother is around but has serious mental health issues which explains, some of the reason we got divorced and I have full custody. She sees has them from Fri. pm-Sat. pm only (when she is well)

2. I disagree with the 'anything she does for your children is a bonus' line. I appreciate that you're speaking from experience but how far does this apply? Does it apply to her student loan debt of about $250k? Is it my debt? Is her court case and the monthly cost which takes up her salary my court case too? She certainly thinks so on both counts. 

She knew I had kids from day one. I come with kids. If she had kids, I would treat them as mine and whatever we owned as a family is shared with the family as a whole. No one is doing anyone favours. I strongly oppose this way of thinking because it is selfish, ruinous and is layered with the 'hedging mentality'


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Well I don't know about the BPD thing as I think it is very easy to throw a label on things. I do however see signs of one thing or the other. Heck, if she was on here, I suppose someone would have suggested to her that I probably have some kind of something
> 
> Anyway, I think she would go absolutely crazy if I suggested that she go and see a therapist alone. You see, my ex wife had (and still has) a major mental health problem. This answers why, among several other reasons, I have full custody of my 3 children. So my wife now would possibly say as she has done before "I am not your ex-wife....are you saying I am crazy? No wonder (insert ex' name) went crazy having lived with you"
> 
> You can imagine how hurtful some of these references to my previous relationship were but me asking her to go and see a therapist alone or for some issues will set the house ablaze.


It sounds like she has already gone crazy, so why not make the suggestion? What is there to lose at this point? She really does sound like she needs therapy. I am sorry to read that you had to deal with an ex with mental issues already.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



3Xnocharm said:


> It sounds like she has already gone crazy, so why not make the suggestion? What is there to lose at this point? She really does sound like she needs therapy. I am sorry to read that you had to deal with an ex with mental issues already.


3X. I get what you're saying. Having seen and lived with someone who had serious mental health problem the word 'crazy' is a hugely loaded word for me. My wife has done some very 'crazy' things like opening the car door while i was doing about 50mph cos we had a blazing row while I was driving and she wanted to get out. The car door nearly hit a cyclist as she left it open. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Funny thing is that she did this before.

So these probably supports your theory of her having issues and I really do believe that while I am not a perfect husband, there are somethings that are just totally unacceptable behaviour - this is one of them.

I think that the tragedy for me now is that I don't even know what should/is 'normal/abnormal anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I have read this entire thread. I get the feeling your are vacillating as to what you want to do.

I couldn't live on the roller coaster. I did for many years with an alcoholic spouse. Talk about MOOD SWINGS .... 

Sometimes it boils down to get out or get dragged.

Do you have one firm goal you want at this point, vis-a-vis your marriage?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



Prodigal said:


> I have read this entire thread. I get the feeling your are vacillating as to what you want to do.
> 
> I couldn't live on the roller coaster. I did for many years with an alcoholic spouse. Talk about MOOD SWINGS ....
> 
> ...


I was at the point where i was very happy for her to go ahead with the divorce she'd been pining for all along. Then it got switched on me in the last 48hrs in a way I was not expecting by her telling to me to file for the divorce cos' she loves me blah blah blah.

I guess I hadn't prepared myself for this since she said she was returning to the States to file for divorce. I also now have her friends sorta chipping in saying it would be a mistake if we got divorced cos 'you guys are very talented guys with xyz going for you etc'.

Also, I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment right now. I don't want to make a decision while mad. This is my first day of totally shutting down communication. I think the less we talk, the more I have time to get over these feelings and then look at things in a more dispassionate way.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

She is telling YOU to file so that SHE isnt the bad guy here. This way she can garner sympathy from everyone about how cruel you are and how mistreated she was, how she begged you not to divorce her because she looooves you.  What her friends say doesnt matter. Give yourself some peace by granting what YOU know she really wants, and go ahead and file.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I also now have her friends sorta chipping in saying it would be a mistake if we got divorced cos 'you guys are very talented guys with xyz going for you etc'.


Here's my take on this: other people's opinions of me are none of my business, nor are there opinions of how I should run my life. Tell them to butt out. Now.



iBolt said:


> Also, I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment right now. I don't want to make a decision while mad. This is my first day of totally shutting down communication. I think the less we talk, the more I have time to get over these feelings and then look at things in a more dispassionate way.


This is a very wise course of action. The thing is, she is playing you like a cheap fiddle. Man, you are being played big-time. However, you are absolutely right that you shouldn't make a knee-jerk decision in anger.

However, there WILL be anger, fear, doubt, confusion, and a myriad of emotions that go with ending a marriage. JMO, but I would pull the plug regardless of how the heck I felt. 

I OWN my feelings. Nobody has the power to make me feel a damn thing unless I allow it. N-O-B-O-D-Y. I own very few things in this life, but I do own my emotions.

Sure, there are people who detach sufficiently from their broken relationships to end it without much emotion. But you've been dragged over the coals. Calm down. But when you do, STAND BACK and take as dispassionate a look as possible at what has occurred. 

My friend, I think you are trying to deal sanely with crazy. And crazy takes no hostages, nor is it negotiable. I lived with it. It didn't end with a bang, but it did end with a whimper .....


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I got a message from her today asking when the kids will be available to speak with her. My first thoughts were, "today is Thursday, she's left since Monday - how interesting to suddenly want to talk now'. Anyways, my other thought was to totally ignore her message as I feel much more at peace without any communication with her. I, however, decided to send this after a few hours of deliberation:
-----
_I would rather no communication took place with kids and ours is limited. I think this will be best. The kids are doing well._
-----------

*She, not surprisingly responds as follows:*

_Please do not use the children and keep them from me because you are mad at me. They need me and I need them. It is not fair to them, and you should know how that feels as your ex wife used them early in your divorce also - and if you can remember how that made you feel, and certainly how that doesn't do good for the kids, then apply that here and put your anger aside on their behalf.

Her name_
-------

*My response:*

_Kids are not being used in any way shape or form but I have no control over what you think._

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*She then replied with this:*

_You are keeping the kids from me for YOUR reasons. If you asked THEM what they would want, it would be to talk to me. We, the kids and I are important to each other's lives. That is the point. Please reconsider your position for their sake._

------------

I frankly do not and will not engage this any more as the routine becomes a case of "Oh yes, you are", "No, I am not!", "Yes you totally are and here is the evidence" etc


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I frankly do not and will not engage this any more as the routine becomes a case of "Oh yes, you are", "No, I am not!", "Yes you totally are and here is the evidence" etc


Then why did you answer her message if you were going to be negative towards her request? 

It only plays further into the drama too. No? 

You can't help yourself?

You're playing your part in this drama too. 

It is not all her.

It takes two to argue. 

You're responsible to clean up your side of the street. 

Not to tell her what she should do.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



anchorwatch said:


> Then why did you answer her message if you were going to be negative towards her request?
> 
> It only plays further into the drama too. No?
> 
> ...


I totally agree with everything quoted above.

You're being spiteful, vindictive, and keeping the children from her for no valid reasons, and it's only hurting them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Well, they are YOUR kids, and you should act in what you believe to be their best interest. That said, I think you should ask your kids what THEY want to do, and if they wish to communicate with her, let them.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, they are YOUR kids, and you should act in what you believe to be their best interest. That said, I think you should ask your kids what THEY want to do, and if they wish to communicate with her, let them.


3X My intention was not to be vindictive at all. The last time we separated, she had told the kids behind my back that I asked her for a divorce which was totally untrue. Of course the kids want to talk with her. They also want to talk with their biological mktber too once in a while. The problem for me is that when Skype talk ends, there's an emotional fall out that I have to deal with which she doesn't ever see. The kids become very confused. It is not as black and white as you guys think. I am trying to protect their feelings. 

Lastly, I responded to let her know that I wanted to cease communication for the duration of her stay away from home. I am at fault for exchanging anything further than that.

She really was not saying any of this 'I need you we need us lovie dovie' stuff the last weeks at all. It was all about divorce and why we're not going to work out. I am just sick and tired of all these games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Oh wait, she's their stepmom? And she's got serious mental problems to boot.

Never mind my previous post, cut her off and lose the drama.

The kids will get over it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Detach from her so that you can think about your situation. It's very tempting to get into a verbal battle and go back and forth forever through email. It never solves anything.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

northland said:


> Oh wait, she's their stepmom? And she's got serious mental problems to boot.
> 
> Never mind my previous post, cut her off and lose the drama.
> 
> The kids will get over it.


I accept your apology 
On a serious note, I really was not preventing contact between her and the kids for malicious, spiteful or manipulative reasons. We have been round this bend before with the attending distress to the kids. On this occasion, I am choosing to manage the situation better than last time. I have to protect my kids from the uncertainty that her actions cause. Goodness knows what it does to me but I don't think I am being selfish or mean by putting my foot down this time. 

I don't see why it is ok for an adult to basically check out of a family home threatening to split up their family simply because they don't get what they want when and how they want it. Our home is not a hotel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Detach from her so that you can think about your situation. It's very tempting to get into a verbal battle and go back and forth forever through email. It never solves anything.


Thanks for the suggestion. I am doing exactly that. She just rang from the US from her parents home but I ignored the call. I am not sure however if it was her parents calling or her but either ways, I do not want to talk to any one. I am VERY comfortable and happy with the peace and stability I feel right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

iBolt, are you familiar with the 180, from Divorce Busters?

It's used to detach.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Just got this email from her:

Cruelty, like every other vice, requires no motive outside of itself; it only requires opportunity.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *- *George Eliot*

I see that you have found the "opportunity". I pray for you everyday.

-----

I will not be responding at all this time. I feel bad doing this but my peace of mind is important to me though I feel I am being harsh. 

I just cannot believe what's going on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> Just got this email from her:
> 
> Cruelty, like every other vice, requires no motive outside of itself; it only requires opportunity.
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *- *George Eliot*
> ...


Geez, hypocrisy at its finest.  

I dont think you are being harsh at all. I dont believe that SHE thinks so either, I truly believe she is playing a game with you.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Geez, hypocrisy at its finest.
> 
> I dont think you are being harsh at all. I dont believe that SHE thinks so either, I truly believe she is playing a game with you.


3X. Ha! I know my wife. She is not playing games. She REALLY does believe that I am mistreating and being cruel to her. She really does believe this devoid of any concept of what led us here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

As the kids and I were sat down having dinner this evening, I suddenly noticed how light, peaceful and settled i felt. It was so palpable that I just said it out loud.

My 9 year old said "Is that because (enter wife's name) is not here?" I quickly digressed to another subject but that just got me thinking. They've seen us argue. They know things aren't right and they've seen their step-mom walk out of the house and not return for days, burst out in tears or storm off the dining table etc.

I really feel happy without all the drama and emotional demands. I have no struggles looking after my 3 kids alone, run my business and do my part time work in parliament (I have done all these before with my ex and after we got divorced)

So I am now thinking that maybe I am one of those people that is so selfish that he doesn't know how to live and share his life with someone else. I feel conflicted about why I am very happy now that she's gone to her family in America. Any thoughts TAM expert?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

You could be not a drama fan (there are people who love drama and there are people who prefer peace and quiet). That's not being selfish. 

She was not right for you. Don't discount finding someone in the future who is right for you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

You arent selfish, you are happy she is gone because there isnt someone there making you feel like crap all the time.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

My peaceful existence continues for now. My kids are doing well. They ask about her once in a while but nowhere near as much as they did the last time we separated last year. Perhaps because I have not allowed any contact between wife in America and my kids here in the UK, they're just getting on with life.

Right now, everything is going on smoothly. My work is undisturbed, my blood pressure I bet has barely felt any turbulence and i forgot how fun looking after 3 little kids can be. Increasingly I often find myself asking myself this question

'If I am able to literally continue everything without losing a step (in fact I am actually getting more done now) plus I feel happier and settled while we are separated, why the heck would I want something different?'

Thing is that she is due back on Saturday. I am not looking forward to this. She was initially returning to her parent's in the States to file for the divorce she had been threatening all along. She then decided that she was not going to (this has happened too many times before) but that I should go ahead and file instead. Can anyone on here advice on what to do. I really would much rather she did not come back to the house. I just don't know what to do as I honestly cannot live with another second of the drama.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Cant you just call and TELL her you dont want her to come back? Maybe that would prompt her to file. Did you marry in the US or the UK? The fact that you have realized this peace speaks volumes about your relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Her little temper tantrum didn't work so now she's coming back? Tell her she needs to find some other place to live.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



3Xnocharm said:


> Cant you just call and TELL her you dont want her to come back? Maybe that would prompt her to file. Did you marry in the US or the UK? The fact that you have realized this peace speaks volumes about your relationship.


+1 

Just tell her you think it would be better for everyone if she didn't come back.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

Change the locks.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*

I could change the locks but I won't be happy doing that. I will not lock her out of our home as she did to me once. 

Though I do miss her much and I am happier on my own without all the drama, I bizarrely am still getting the thought in my head to give things one more chance. More bizarrely, we've been here before. I just don't know why I am such a fool for punishment. 

I guess having been divorced once, I am so much more reluctant and afraid to divorce again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Why constantly threaten divorce? Now I've said "Do it. I don't care anymore"*



iBolt said:


> I guess having been divorced once, I am so much more reluctant and afraid to divorce again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust me, I have been in that position, and I understand it does suck. But, you HAVE to look out for your own best interest. You get through it. What do you think would be different if you decide to hang in there? She MAY change, but it would probably only last about two months or so before going back to the status quo. I'm sure your kids are all enjoying the peace and lack of stress in the home.


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