# Confused about feelings or what to do



## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

I think I'm posting this at the right forum? I'm going through a situation now that I have no idea what to think of or how to even begin to handle. Please bear with me....

My husband is a twin. The twin has never respected our marriage, has said HORRIBLE things about me, and his treatment of me has been unacceptable. 

About a year ago, they got into a huge fight and haven't spoke. During that time my husband and I have made some really big leaps and bounds in regard to coming closer together and resolving some long standing issues between us.

Now, the brothers are making up. My husband has told me he intends to keep his distance, but I heard a conversation they were having this afternoon and my husband was sharing personal things/feelings with him that he hasn't even done with me. That doesn't help me feel assured or trusting even though I would love to feel that way.

I don't want to take away my husband's relationship with his family, but I also don't want our marriage damaged as it had been in the past due to the tendency to put this brother first above me in some situations which were almost deal breakers in our marriage. 

For me, I feel strongly about how you leave your family and begin a new life when you are married. I know I would stand up for my husband against anyone in my family if they need was there - it's not as my family adores him. But they also know I would demand respect even if they didn't. Obviously we have a difference in opinion when it comes to these sort of standards, but it really does bother me that I don't feel I'm being stood up for. 

It SEEMS (I don't want to be assuming, it's just how this feels to me now....) that I'm being told "I don't care what my brother has done or said about/to you, he's my brother and I'm going to continue to remain close with him." That leaves me feeling betrayed and that he may not be as loyal to me as what I would prefer to feel.

BUT at the same time, feeling bad that I can't support his relationship with his brother. I feel the brother has come between us too many times and that if the chance was there that he would be more than happy to create whatever wedge he could between my husband and I. I watched it happen for years and it truly scares me to death. My husband is upset that I am not more trusting, but I have nothing to base trust on when things were the way they were before - I can't seem to explain that in a way that he can understand or relate to.

I've really been struggling with this and for the past few days my husband will ask me if something is going on. To me, I feel I'm just being quiet/introspective - to him I'm giving him "attitude". That is not my intention and I have been conscious of at least being polite, I just don't think he realizes how deeply this is disturbing me.

I try to tell him what's bothering me, in a non-accusatory way, using I statements, and just to talk about MY OWN feelings. But that never goes well at all. I get put down and told I'm expecting him to fix all my problems. Ask him any other day and he'll tell you how independent I am, so I don't know why he tells me that. 

I don't expect him to "fix" it, but I'm sure I expect something from him - but what's fair to even ask for in this situation? Is it fair to ask anything at all? I know if I just tried to stuff these feelings, it would damage the intimacy my husband and I have built together, so they have to be addressed. I'm SO at a loss with this....I'm frustrated and really have no clue at all how to properly handle this or what is "okay" to ask for or not.

If any of this made any sense to you, if you can relate, or have suggestions, please speak up. I could really use some input here.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ive had my fair share of issues with my in-laws. My MIL and BIL hate me. They have said horrible things about me behind my back, and for awhile my H didnt stand up for me at all. It was really horrible when i found out. 

It is a really confusing thing to deal with. Ive been in your shoes so i know how that feels. My H is visiting his mom right now and in the back of my mind i still wonder if she is saying things about me. 

But, even if she is, i dont care and i dont want to know. I used to tell my H that he had to stop talking to her if she said anything mean about me. But then i realized, this is his mom. what if she died while he was giving her the silent treatment. Can you imagine? 

And i know now that my H is doing his best to respect our marriage. i trust him. i trust that however he decides to handle it will be the best. He's working on his relationship with her. its very complicated and i know its very stressful for him. So i try to stay out of it. 

but i also have boundaries. I wont be around my MIL and i especially will not be around my BIL. My MIL came over for thanksgiving but i asked that she stay in a hotel and i didnt say two words to her. 

So its a complicated flux of boundaries. you have to respect your own boundaries, but you have to respect your H's boundaries, too. You said you would never let a family member talk about you that way- but it sounds like neither did he. He stopped talking to his brother for awhile for you. that says a lot. 

The problem is you feel insecure in your marriage and it has nothing to do with your BIL. You mentioned it a little when you said your H shared things with his brother that he doesnt even share with you. That's the real issue. That's what you should be talking about, not your BIL. So why do you think your H does not feel comfortable sharing personal, emotional things with you?


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

Hi Blanca!

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. I'm sorry to hear that you have those issues too. His mom is pretty much neutral. I'm daughter in law number four, as my husband was married before and his brother is just going through his second divorce. I figure she's just keeping herself safe by staying distant since she was probably hurt by losing the other daughter in laws.

Yes, you are right, there do seem to be some other issues. Their fight wasn't about me though, perhaps in a part it was, but it really stemmed from some past issues they had had when they were younger, and probably a part of it about me, but not "for me". Those past issues came out in counseling and my husband was advised to confront his brother about those things. I guess that would've been a big difference, if it had been all about me, I'd feel that he did something special for me - but that was not the case.

When they were getting along before, they seemed to be the ones that were "married". My husband always shared more with him and less with me and it was a big issue. I see that happening again today, and honestly, I don't know why other than probably the intimacy issues that were being discussed along with issues in our relationship. 

I don't expect him to give his brother the silent treatment. I guess I just want to feel that our marriage is first, and that his brother isn't going to come between us again and I don't have that assurance, especially when I'm being told one thing and seeing something totally different happening.

Thank you again though. You've given me some good food for thought and that helps a lot.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mavia said:


> When they were getting along before, they seemed to be the ones that were "married". My husband always shared more with him and less with me and it was a big issue. I see that happening again today, and honestly, I don't know why other than probably the intimacy issues that were being discussed along with issues in our relationship.
> 
> I don't expect him to give his brother the silent treatment. I guess I just want to feel that our marriage is first, and that his brother isn't going to come between us again and I don't have that assurance, especially when I'm being told one thing and seeing something totally different happening.
> 
> Thank you again though. You've given me some good food for thought and that helps a lot.


I see what you are saying. I really think you should focus on the part that you feel second to his brother because he shares more with his brother then with you. I know there is also the issue of him not standing up for you, but i think if you were to understand and address the feeling that your H doesnt talk to you as much, you would find that the latter drifts away on its own.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would suggest that you call your BIL and invite him over for dinner. Take the high road. Treat him well. Once dinner is over, politely tell him and your husband how you feel, and ask him what HIS take on the whole thing is. And listen.

Find a way to communicate.


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