# How to regain trust?



## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

Long story short, I cheated on my wife of 8 years. Not only that, but I got caught years back sending inappropriate messages for which we had a few counseling sessions.

This time I really messed up by having an affair for 7 months. My wife is devastated, but because of our 2 young children and our financial situation (I'm the breadwinner) she didn't pack her bags and leave.

We started our first therapy session, but she has no faith in me ever being 'normal'. I never had personal therapy, and that's something I plan to do for as long as it takes. 

Can someone have some words of advise how to proceed?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Can someone have some words of advise how to proceed?


Make sure you have a good therapist and then YOU have to do everything the therapist says. You are a serial cheater so you are going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting for a very long time; not months but years. The key is YOU; you are going to have to be relentless and constant in doing everything to rebuild what YOU have destroyed three times.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mark73 said:


> Long story short, I cheated on my wife of 8 years. Not only that, but I got caught years back sending inappropriate messages for which we had a few counseling sessions.
> 
> This time I really messed up by having an affair for 7 months. My wife is devastated, but because of our 2 young children and our financial situation (I'm the breadwinner) she didn't pack her bags and leave.
> 
> ...


Well, you need to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and show some initiative in terms of not only saying, but also DOING, the things that will inspire her to begin reinvesting herself -- _and her trust_ -- into your marriage.

Understanding the pain that you've inflicted upon her would be a good start. To that end, pick up this book...

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

At around 90 pages, it's a short read, so you should be able to knock it out in 3-4 hours at most. _And let her see you reading it._

What have you done thus far in order to help her to heal from the pain of your betrayals? You'll note that I said betrayal*s*. As in plural.

Have you offered transparency? Passwords to all electronic devices, e-mail and social media accounts, etc? Are you willing to enable GPS location tracking on your cell phone and/or vehicle in order to set your wife's mind at ease w/ respect to your whereabouts at any given moment?

How did you meet your affair partner? Is she married? If she's a co-worker, have you offered to get another job?

Does your wife currently work outside the home? (You didn't say either "primary" or "sole" breadwinner, so that's unclear.) If not, has she ever?

:slap:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Be honest, If she ask you a strait forward question give her a simple honest answer no matter how much you think it will hurt her. A lie will hurt more & lies have a way of coming back to bite you. As long as she knows you're being honest the trust will start to build back up, But one little white lie for what ever reason will tear down every thing you've worked so hard to build. As a BS 5 months down the road I'm finding out about lies my H told "to spare my feelings" now I can't trust him at all anymore..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Do you love your W and want to keep your marriage? Or are you trying because of the children?

Have you completely broken off the affair? Have you been honest with your W about what you have done?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Be honest, If she ask you a strait forward question give her a simple honest answer no matter how much you think it will hurt her. A lie will hurt more & lies have a way of coming back to bite you. As long as she knows you're being honest the trust will start to build back up, But one little white lie for what ever reason will tear down every thing you've worked so hard to build. As a BS 5 months down the road I'm finding out about lies my H told "to spare my feelings" now I can't trust him at all anymore..


Yep. With the affair out in the open, sooner or later, the truth regarding all of the ugly details _will_ come out, so you might as well just tell her everything from the start. When she asks you questions (and there will be plenty of them), give her the truth. Some of it may hurt her, but lying to her will only re-open the wound and make it hurt all the more once the truth finally comes to the surface weeks, months, or even years later.

Again, tell her *EVERYTHING*. Hearing some of it will leave her angry, bewildered, and/or hurt. Try not to react. Be humble. After all, you've earned _all of it_. Don't let it discourage you... just realize that it's something that she's going to have to work through.

Give her comfort if she seems to need it, but also back off and give her some space to breathe when she asks for it. Sometimes she'll ask subtly... other times, not so much.

Also, don't pressure her for physical intimacy, but realize that she may come to you for it. In fact, read up on hysterical bonding.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Think how you would feel if she had an A.

What would you want her to do to rebuild the trust? Start doing that.

Tell her the truth and answer her questions. Get an std test.

Tell her where you are and give her your passwords. You tore a big hole in her heart. You need to try to fix it.

You have kids. You were selfish. Kids will be hurt so do what you can to fix it. Figure out why you did this and try to make sure it never happens again. Good luck


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

mark73 said:


> Long story short, I cheated on my wife of 8 years. Not only that, but I got caught years back sending inappropriate messages for which we had a few counseling sessions.
> 
> This time I really messed up by having an affair for 7 months. My wife is devastated, but because of our 2 young children and our financial situation (I'm the breadwinner) she didn't pack her bags and leave.
> 
> ...


Dude, as a betrayed spouse myself I have to be honest with you. You hurt her as bad as any human being can hurt another. You killed part of her soul that will never be revived. You have to think about that and I mean really think about it. Imagine the worse pain possible, like losing a child to cancer, and then realize it's worse than that. I can't tell you how to fix it because that's still a work in progress for me so I don't know how yet. It would help if you completely humble yourself to her. Know that you've killed part of her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

KingwoodKev said:


> Dude, as a betrayed spouse myself I have to be honest with you. You hurt her as bad as any human being can hurt another. You killed part of her soul that will never be revived. You have to think about that and I mean really think about it. *Imagine the worse pain possible, like losing a child to cancer, and then realize it's worse than that.* I can't tell you how to fix it because that's still a work in progress for me so I don't know how yet. It would help if you completely humble yourself to her. Know that you've killed part of her.


While I'd just looooove to share my own thoughts on ^this^, allow me to instead issue a warning of sorts...

Attempting to compare one "type" of emotional pain to another won't accomplish very much around here... unless, of course, what you're _looking_ to accomplish is 20+ pages of useless, back-and-forth, tit-for-tat, bullet-point debate regarding why X is more painful than Y, whether Z hurts more than Y and, if so, why X is sooo much more painful than Z. Oh, and at least half a dozen bans.

Generally speaking, emotional pain is very subjective thing. What moderately wounds one person may amount to little more than a sting to another, and may completely cripple yet another.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> While I'd just looooove to share my own thoughts on ^this^, allow me to instead issue a warning of sorts...
> 
> Attempting to compare one "type" of emotional pain to another won't accomplish very much around here... unless, of course, what you're _looking_ to accomplish is 20+ pages of useless, back-and-forth, tit-for-tat, bullet-point debate regarding why X is more painful than Y, whether Z hurts more than Y and, if so, why X is sooo much more painful than Z. Oh, and at least half a dozen bans.
> 
> Generally speaking, emotional pain is very subjective thing. What moderately wounds one person may amount to little more than a sting to another, and may completely cripple yet another.


You're probably right. I'm not a good person to give advice here. I don't think I'm healthy yet. When I reread my comments it's really just how I feel. I have no idea how his BS feels.


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## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

First of all, thanks all for the replies. I know I did an awful thing, but it's comforting to hear some sound support/advise. Thanks again. Let me respond to some of the questions.


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## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> Do you love your W and want to keep your marriage? Or are you trying because of the children?
> 
> Have you completely broken off the affair? Have you been honest with your W about what you have done?


Yes, I love my W dearly and want stay in my marriage whatever it takes. My children are a big part of it, but even without them I would fight to stay with her.

The affair is done, and my wife knows everything. I am not sure how much details to share (like how many times we slept together), but when asked I'm answering honestly.


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## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Well, you need to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and show some initiative in terms of not only saying, but also DOING, the things that will inspire her to begin reinvesting herself -- _and her trust_ -- into your marriage.
> 
> Understanding the pain that you've inflicted upon her would be a good start. To that end, pick up this book...
> 
> ...


Thanks for the book. I just ordered it on Amazon Prime. So far I have been supportive, humble, transparent, helpful (at home) and initiated therapy. She has all my passwords, and I offered a so called post-nup. Will also suggest the GPS.

I met the affair partner on ****** *******. She is married, no kids and obviously I don't work with her.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom. She worked before we had children as a mid-level professional.


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## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Well, you need to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and show some initiative in terms of not only saying, but also DOING, the things that will inspire her to begin reinvesting herself -- _and her trust_ -- into your marriage.
> 
> Understanding the pain that you've inflicted upon her would be a good start. To that end, pick up this book...
> 
> ...


Thanks for the book. I just ordered it on Amazon Prime. So far I have been supportive, humble, transparent, helpful (at home) and initiated therapy. She has all my passwords, and I offered a so called post-nup. Will also suggest the GPS.

I met the affair partner on ****** *******. She is married, no kids and obviously I don't work with her.

My wife is a stay-at-home mom. She worked before we had children as a mid-level professional.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

KingwoodKev said:


> You're probably right. I'm not a good person to give advice here. I don't think I'm healthy yet. When I reread my comments it's really just how I feel. I have no idea how his BS feels.


That's not really what I meant. As a BS, you definitely have a valid perspective w/ regard to infidelity (i.e. how it can impact a BH). And, while I'm not really looking to trivialize that or quell your opinions at all, the scenario that I've described above happens here _all the time_. Hit up any of the debate threads (Guiding Waywards, etc) for an example of what I'm talking about.

And, actually, the perspectives of WS's regarding infidelity are valid as well... it's just that the "perspective" of a blameshifting, gaslighting, remorseless (and ESPECIALLY serial) WS isn't very likely to be at all welcome here.

And thank God for that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mark73 said:


> Yes, I love my W dearly and want stay in my marriage whatever it takes. My children are a big part of it, but even without them I would fight to stay with her.
> 
> The affair is done, and my wife knows everything. I am not sure how much details to share (like how many times we slept together), but when asked I'm answering honestly.


Start writing out a timeline of the affair for her. Anticipate the questions that she'll ask. The "how many times?" question will doubtlessly come up. After 7 months, you're not likely to know for sure, but, if you do, tell her. If you don't, give it your best guess. And be honest.

She'll ask you if you used protection, or if OW was on the pill. Or if OW is married. Again, be honest.


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## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> And, actually, the perspectives of WS's regarding infidelity are valid as well... it's just that the "perspective" of a blameshifting, gaslighting, remorseless (and ESPECIALLY serial) WS isn't very likely to be at all welcome here.
> 
> And thank God for that.


If I am not welcome here, or if I should post in another forum let me know. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I'm desperate for some good advise.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mark73 said:


> If I am not welcome here, or if I should post in another forum let me know. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I'm desperate for some good advise.


No no no... not what I was saying at all.

Note the usage of the following qualifying adjectives in my above reply...



GusPolinski said:


> And, actually, the perspectives of WS's regarding infidelity are valid as well... it's just that the "perspective" of a *blameshifting, gaslighting, remorseless* (and ESPECIALLY serial) WS isn't very likely to be at all welcome here.


Based on what you've provided thus far, I'd say that ^this^ isn't an accurate description of you.

And, actually, if I'd put a bit more thought into it, I'd have transposed the locations of the words "remorseless" and "serial" in my above reply.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your betrayed wife will have two burning questions that will torture her:

- Why?

- If you really love me, HOW could you do this?

You must address these questions if you want any chance of rebuilding trust. You must think very hard, scour your soul, to understand why you would betray someone you say you dearly love. Remember that this has broken her heart and blown her mind. She needs to know 'why' and 'how could you.'

I know that there are no acceptable answers to these questions, but you must do the best you can to understand your own motivations.

If you are a serial cheater, it is par for the course that you live a secret second life while you believe you love your wife and family. If you are not a serial cheat, however, your thinking would be different.

(And for my own curiosity, why do you think you pursued and slept with another woman for so long?)


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## mark73 (Jan 19, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> (And for my own curiosity, why do you think you pursued and slept with another woman for so long?)


I don't know. I was married before, and that marriage ended because my ex-wife decided to go back to her ex-husband. She confirmed she cheated on me as well. Believe it or not, I was always faithful in my relationships up to that point. When that happened, I really "let go" and started dating (and lord knows what else I did) like crazy. I met my wife 6 months after all of this, and I have a feeling I never got "over" my ex at that time and/or met her too early and/or never was able to stop "dating" (see other women).

This is my own personal demon requiring therapy, but I feel I can get past this. I feel incredible remorseful my wife was a victim of this.

I did it for so long because it became a new 'normal'. Like other cheaters, I thought I never would be caught or that it wasn't a big deal. Wrong on so many levels.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One of the biggest issues of trust is the obvious, i.e., that your spouse can rely on your faithfulness.

You already know that this is the immediate trust element that you have to face with your BW.

The harder one, in my opinion, involves your BW's ability to trust you when you say you love her. She doesn't believe that. She asks how you could do the most intimate things for so long with another woman if you really, truly loved her.

If you feel you were in love with the other woman, she won't believe that you love her. If you even still like the other woman, she won't believe that you love her. If you contact the OW in any way, she won't believe that you love her. As I said before, it completely blows her mind that a 'normal' for you could be saying you love her, but sleeping with your gf.

This is a big part of the trust mountain that you have to climb.

Actions as well as words are necessary. Complete NC with the OW. Complete transparency regarding all of your communications. You know the drill. Complete honesty. Complete patience. Understanding that it takes 2-5 years to recover from the pain of infidelity.

Here is a link from Affaircare's site that will tell you more on what to expect from your BW:

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey alte Dame, thanks for the shout out! 

I actually have another link for you from my site, mark73, and I don't mean to be like promoting "me" but this is just a really good link! Crucial Steps to Building Trust After an Affair | AFFAIRCARE

You want to know how to rebuild trust? It's going to be a little scary but the best way to rebuild trust is to be 100% honest. Now that sounds easy (honest=don't lie, right?) but in reality it's not, because what I'm talking about is TRANSPARENCY. 

I like to envision the True You inside this bubble in the middle of you. Up to now, you've built walls so people can not see see the True You, and inside those walls you've put up masks to hide the True You. And the True You is what you truly think and what you truly feel and what you are truly doing....

So instead of hiding behind walls and showing people an image of you that you've built that you want people to see--sort of like "the image of you"--being transparent means letting your wife SEE THROUGH and really see who you truly are. You let her in!! She gets to see what you actually think, how you actually feel, and who you really are. 

That means you will have to either destroy those walls you've built to hide behind/protect you or you'll have to bring them down some other way. That means you'll have to not only drop the masks, but also let her see what's behind the mask! You need to let her see the part of you that you are afraid to even admit TO YOURSELF! 

THAT is transparency! And that's what I'm talking about when I say that you have to be honest. You have to learn to let your wife in on your life. You have to learn to let your wife know what you're thinking--honestly--even if it's not flattering or boosting your ego. You have to learn to share your true feelings with your wife even when you're afraid that if you tell her, she'll be _____ (insert "mad" "hurt" etc.). 

In addition to that, you are going to need to spend considerable time having your words and your actions MATCH, and not just "allowing" your wife to check your phone, your email, your car, etc. but INCLUDING YOUR WIFE in your phone, your email, your car, etc. By that, I mean that if you say you'll be home at 5:00pm, then come hell or high water you better have your tookus home at 5pm -OR- contact her well ahead of time, mutually agree it's okay to be home later, and be in the company of people who can confirm there was not even a suggestion of evil. You were in the habit of excluding our wife, doing things behind her back, hiding things from her, and trying to cover a clear and obvious lie--and NOW you are going to have to change that 180 degrees. You need to INCLUDE your wife in your whole, entire life, you need to do things in front of her, you have to open every part of your life to her, and you need to let your wife get to know you intimately (and I don't mean sex--I mean know all of you, warts and all). 

So the hardest part is when you have something that you are "not okay with" or something happens that you are pretty sure is going to make her mad or upset. To build trust, you have to leap off the cliff and take the risk. You HAVE TO stick your neck out and tell her that you are not okay with the way XYZ has been going and you'd like to ask if she'd be willing to do ABC instead. You HAVE TO stick your neck out and tell her that ex-OW emailed you at work and you immediately called XXX dependable person at work she trusts to watch as you did not open it but instead filed it under the "TRASH" file and she is free to open it if she wants to read it. Of course, this means that you also have to actually NOT contact the ex-OW and if she fishes for contact, you have to not open it and actually call the trusted person at work to witness you not opening it, etc. You can't build trust if you are not being trustWORTHY.

Once you have told her the truth like that, and been transparent in that way for quite a while, it is conceivable she may be able to have some trust in you. Once she has gone for several MONTHS or maybe YEARS and you are transparent and honest and including her and your words match your actions, at that point she may take the leap herself and start to trust you. What WILL NOT build trust is telling her you mean it... or trying to force or guilt her into trusting you... or thinking she should be over it already. Words mean NOTHING right now. You used words to outright lie to her and blame her! So no word is going to suffice. Only a long, long time of consistent action will rebuild it.


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