# 8 years of Relationship and now He wants breakup



## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We have had several ups and downs. Mostly, because of him. He would run away but then come back after 6 months or so. I wouldn't stop him from going away, and would always accept him back gladly.
Since the past one year I was noticing stability in Him. He's a Merchant Navy Officer, aged 22. I'm 22 as well. He introduced me to his family and cousins as well. He also told me to tell my parents so he wouldn't run away like always because he had regretted every single time that he left me. Things were okay the two months that he was home. Then he went back. Communication weakened. We started having fights. Earlier he would win me back. But since some 4-5 months its getting ugly. He says I irritate Him. Says he wants to break up, yet he doesn;t let me talk to any of my guyfriends. He forces me to accept his decisions or else he blocks my phone number and I keep calling him throughout the night, which he unblocks next morning. When he's sad or depressed, or even normally but sometimes, he does send me messages saying how much he wants me and he knows he;s doing wrong to me. But then again he becomes the same man. He says he wants to break up with me and he's with me only for my happiness because I would go crazy if he left me. He says he doesn't Love me,yet he sends me those Missing you Love you messages when he's sttressed, and he thinks of me. I don't know what to do. I can't live without Him, and I need him. But I can't take this torture either. Please don't tell me to leave him, because it's not possible.

Also, we are each other's first and only Love. There has never been anyone else for either of us. Should I see a future with Him?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Can't do what you ask. You need to hear this.

So you've been with him since you were 14, you've never been with anyone else, he's not sure he wants to be with you and you think you can't live without him. *You met you were children*, Do you understand how children make decisions? Do realize that having a serious boyfriend at the age of 14 is a sign that you are needy? Look, he is comfortable with you because he knows that you will always accept him regardless of how he treats you. He goes out and tries to find someone new and when he fails he comes crawling back to you for comfort and sex. He knows that you have low self esteem and are easy to manipulate. *You are being used.*

You need to work on yourself and become an independent person. Your relationship is unhealthy. Sorry to say that your relationship has almost no chance to survive. When you are older (like 28) you will be a different person and will look back and wonder what you were thinking. Don't waste some the best years of your life on someone that isn't sure he wants to be with you.

Peace


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

We're not Physically involved. Comfort, yes it may be the case. But He's not looking around for anyone else, and that I'm sure of.
Does it bring any change of opinion now? :l
easy to manipulate, I would agree on that. he has the dominating hand in the relationship. Things just changed in these past 4 months, otherwise He was very co-operative.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Darlin', you are only 22. Break it off and figure out who you are as a person, live life, go to school, get a job, make new friends, learn to love yourself.

Most relationships end. That's just how it is. There are MANY men out there who will be fun to date and when you fall in love again, you will be glad you didn't settle for some guy who is not that into you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let him go. Never hold onto someone who is squirming with all their might to get away from you. 

Like Laurae said--most relationships end. Accept that as a part of life, move on and start living.

Don't waste your life/time/years pining over someone who is long gone. 

Wish him well and move on w/ your life.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

I understand that the best solution is to call it quits. But I have tried it before, and it does not seem practical to me. I thought may be there was something I could do to fix it. Other than giving him space, which obviously I am trying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and btw, this guy is a d*uchebag. The first time he blocked your #, if it was me, I woulda never called him again.

Eff him. You deserve SO much better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BreatheLove said:


> I understand that the best solution is to call it quits. *But I have tried it before, and it does not seem practical to me*. I thought may be there was something I could do to fix it. Other than giving him space, which obviously I am trying.


What???? 

Honey you don't have a choice--he has told you he wants out. He doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't like your friends. He blocks your #. He says he irritates you. He doesn't want to be with you.

So why do you want to be with someone who treats you like sh!t?

It's not about being practical. It's about being REAL. And reality is, he isn't into you. 

And thank goodness for that cause he sounds like an a$$hole.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

I thought may be he was pissed at me for not giving him space and thats why he was behaving this way. To gain freedom. I thought giving him space might work out. I don't know. It's hard for me to let go of an 8 year old relationship though. Thats why I was more into fixing it, if somehow I could give it a shot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Girl, 8 years is a LONG time but see, you are trying to make excuses for him wanting out. You are trying to come up with any excuse so you can hang on.

You need to start believing him when he says what he wants. Believe his actions, not his words. 

He has told you he wants out. SO accept that and believe. 

It's like me telling you "I love the color blue." And you saying "No you really like the color red."

No I don't. I like the color blue. 

Accept what he is telling you.

Clinging like a vine is going to make you look desperate/psycho/low self-esteem.

NEVER EVER chase after someone who's running away from you and treating your poorly.

EVER. 

Hold your head up high and move on.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

I guess that was what used to bring him back to me before. I would never stop him from leaving. Lately I've grown dependent on him. And too much, as I can see.
May be I should just let go. Instead of making him realise, leave him on his own. Right?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You BOTH have some growing up to do! Like someone else said.... go to school, find your calling/career.... live for YOURSELF, find out who you are. He needs to do the same. Ya'll were too young to get so involved....so give each other the gift of SPACE to learn and grow!!!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I'm really sorry to give you an answer that you don't want, but your relationship is NOT going to get better or improve, no matter how much you wish for it. You're very young and your problems are only going to get more complicated as you get older. He's going to keep doing this to you. Dominating relationships do tend to worsen. As he loses more and more respect for you over time, you will become more needy and he will become more manipulative and mean. It sounds like the ONLY reason he is still around is because you are convenient, comfortable, and familiar. You have more value than that, even if you don't see it against the weight of your emotional investment. Yes, eight years is a very long time. However...clinging to a failing relationship with a boy who does not intend to treat you well is just going to erode your self esteem further and further. What will happen when you've been together 3 more years and he starts having lots of physical affairs with others right in front of you without ever even leaving you? How crummy will you feel? And, when he starts treating you like his emotional punching bag because he's disgusted by your lack of self-respect for tolerating his behavior, will you simply say "Oh, it will work out, I can't throw away 11 years!" Don't do this to yourself. You might think he's the love of your life or something, but he is just not. Break up with him. This is NOT what marriage is based on. Trust me. I'm married but separated from a guy who has used me for comfort and stability while cheating on me and treating me badly and I can see that pattern develop. When you're in your mid-30s and broken because you put all your trust in an untrustworthy person, you're going to have a lot less resilience to bounce back and find happiness in your life. Please, for the sake of any future happiness you might want, leave this guy and do not look back.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

I thought may be if I just patiently work on it now, things would start getting better. But it doesn't seem all that rosy now.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Listen, it is tough to walk away when you still have feelings for someone, especially since he's all you've ever known. But it is the right thing to do. Break ups are usually hard, but people survive them every day and go on to be happier with people who are more able to be good to them.

You are so young and inexperienced that you have NO IDEA what you are missing with a more loving person. There are going to be plenty of guys who will love you more than this clown. But before you will be in a position to attract a better man, you have to grow up and learn how to love and respect yourself. A girl who respects herself does not allow a guy to manipulate her. A girl who respects herself knows how to stand up for herself and to set healthy boundaries.

There are things in your childhood that probably caused you to feel like you don't deserve better, but you do! Figure out how to value yourself.

Wanting someone to be a good guy doesn't mean it will happen. You can't do anything to change another person, you can only change yourself.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're 22, go out have fun, meet other guys. He wants to probably move on and do that. At least he's being honest enough instead of cheating on you left and right while stringing you along for the ride.

He wants to experience his life and he's letting you go so that you can also.

If I had stayed with my 1st gf my life wouldn't have been too rosy since she's a big time druggie now a days, well she was already using back then so I might have been one also.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

It's more like I'm addicted to Him. Every time I try to walk out, something happens, He acts nice, and I just dissolve the whole plan. I think more than the Love thing, its the addiction holding on to me. I'm so used to Him and I haven't seen a world outside of him.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

But I don't understand, if he really wants to move on, why would he not let me go out and see the world. He wouldn't let me talk to the guys. He has issues if an of my friends address me as dear or honey, even minor things like this. If I quit talking, he acts like I'm doing wrong to him. I don't understand this double behaviour.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

BreatheLove said:


> But I don't understand, if he really wants to move on, why would he not let me go out and see the world. He wouldn't let me talk to the guys. He has issues if an of my friends address me as dear or honey, even minor things like this. If I quit talking, he acts like I'm doing wrong to him. I don't understand this double behaviour.


You are codependent and he is controlling. You don't have to do what he says. In fact, when he breaks up with you, you should no longer concern yourself with what he thinks. Unfortunately, you've latched on to a man who doesn't have your best interest at heart. Invest in IC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

So, not even one post in favour that there might be some damage control! Because all that I heard from my friends was that he's irritated because you don;t give him space, moreover its a long distance relationship. Give him time to miss you, dont just keep texting and calling all day long.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Okay, so he calls me up at mid night by himself to wish me. First his timings in malaysia. then he calls me again my Regional timing to wish me, since we're in different countries & time zones. He was drunk & drunk people BLURT out true feelings right. He kept saying I love you & how much he wanted me & he couldn't do without me. I asked him why he would say the wrong things so he says he said all the wrong things like he wanted to leave me & stuff just cause he was angry, but he didn't mean it. And even if out of anger he did run away that while he would come running back. he said he was missing me & wanted to hug me so bad. we spoke for an hour then i told him to sleep. Suddenly after another hour he rings up to say i love you & dropped a message as well.
How should i take it now? He loves me but may be something about me bothers him? Please please please reply!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Honey, this is not what a normal relationship looks like. He can't offer you what you want. There are PLENTY of men who give a girl mixed signals. They say they love you and they cheat. They say they want you and then do things to harm the relationship. That happens when you are with a person who is not emotionally healthy. And when you allow someone to jerk you around, it means YOU aren't emotionally healthy.

It doesn't matter what your boyfriend says or does. What matters is what you want and what is healthy for you. Are you happy having someone treat you poorly? Are you happy having a boyfriend who toys with you all the time? 

Once you grow up a little bit and develop more self esteem, I am not so sure you will think that your boyfriend is quite as great as you do now. 

Don't answer his calls for a while. Drunk people don't spill the "truth". They say a lot of stupid things. You seem to want to convince yourself that he's better than he is, but he's just a screwed up guy who probably doesn't know what he wants.

Maybe some of the guys on this site can interpret his mixed signals for you and you will listen to them?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why are you letting him have the control?
YOU break it off. Be done. 8 years is long but for most of that you were a child. I, personally, don't count that. Sorry, but that's just how I've always been, even when i was a teen.

This is my biggest fear with my daughters...that they'll get into some long, ridiculous relationship before they are ready to be women.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

BreatheLove said:


> I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We have had several ups and downs. Mostly, because of him. He would run away but then come back after 6 months or so. I wouldn't stop him from going away, and would always accept him back gladly.
> Since the past one year I was noticing stability in Him. He's a Merchant Navy Officer, aged 22. I'm 22 as well. He introduced me to his family and cousins as well. He also told me to tell my parents so he wouldn't run away like always because he had regretted every single time that he left me. Things were okay the two months that he was home. Then he went back. Communication weakened. We started having fights. Earlier he would win me back. But since some 4-5 months its getting ugly. He says I irritate Him. Says he wants to break up, yet he doesn;t let me talk to any of my guyfriends. He forces me to accept his decisions or else he blocks my phone number and I keep calling him throughout the night, which he unblocks next morning. When he's sad or depressed, or even normally but sometimes, he does send me messages saying how much he wants me and he knows he;s doing wrong to me. But then again he becomes the same man. He says he wants to break up with me and he's with me only for my happiness because I would go crazy if he left me. He says he doesn't Love me,yet he sends me those Missing you Love you messages when he's sttressed, and he thinks of me. I don't know what to do. I can't live without Him, and I need him. But I can't take this torture either. Please don't tell me to leave him, because it's not possible.
> 
> Also, we are each other's first and only Love. There has never been anyone else for either of us. Should I see a future with Him?


Its clear that you both love each other and i think that he just as scared of losing you as you are him. I dont think you should break up because you wouldnt be able to love anyone else the way you do him because his your first. I think you should talk him and let him know that there is no need for him to run away from your problems that you are ready to talk to him about his feelings. I think your both just so used to each other that you both are afraid of hurting each other his way of dealing with it is by not facing it not saying its the right way but what is??


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Yes, there's no doubt that he is more scared of losing me than I am. But I express it in words, & he cannot because of male ego perhaps. Because there was this one guy I got close to after our break up & that guy still messages me. My boyfriend gets mad at me if he messages or anyone else flirts. Because he's gone out for six months at a stretch & he fears I might get close to someone.
I think the entire thing he's doing is just to take control & make me needy so I DON'T EVER LEAVE HIM. Be so dependent on him that I cannot get comfort from any guy other than him. His insecurities are making him do that.
About a month ago I had read his secret conversation with a girl-friend where he was telling her how he gets upset when I turn to that guy after we fight & how much he tried to not let that happen.
This morning he isn't drunk & i didn't send him any message after I woke up. So he sent me one saying he was feeling love for me.
I think a guy might be able to read that correctly.
Thank you so much everyone who replied. Wonderful people )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

OK, first of all, not everyone who gets together while young is doomed to a failed miserable relationship and divorce. I think this idea, perpetrated largely by people who had bad or extremely immature relationships while young, sends a bad signal. I met my wife in high school. We dated from our mid teens. We were married in our very early twenties while still in college. You know what, I'm not so young anymore and I wouldn't change any of it in retrospect. Our society seriously prolongs childhood and youth, and the average much longer lasting relationships in prior generations were cemented by your age.

That being said, your relationship is really quite dysfunctional. It isn't because you are young. It's because the guy simply isn't ready to settle down. He may love you, but he loves his freedom more than he loves you. I suspect you're right that he's not cheating with another woman. That's not what his hang-up is.

You are a woman. You are not a child. You may be a young woman, but you are a woman. He is a young man who still appears to be acting like something a little younger. You will need to make an adult decision in this case. I suspect that what he is doing is unacceptable to you. You need to set an ultimatum and define your boundaries. You need to see if he can live within those boundaries. If he chooses to, and he chooses to prove that committment, I'd say keep the relationship alive. If he can't, you really need to leave. Your problem is that you are stuck in limbo. It's sort of time to put up or shut up on his part.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Thank you rogergrant! 
I think I can relate to the freedom part. Yes sometimes he says that I snatch away his freedom, which is right to quite an extent. I was insecure, so we exchanged passwords on facebook. He was against it but surrendered. Any girl writes to him, he replies with a simple hi hello, no flirting at all. He doesn't hide anything like that. So yes I did get angry if any girl in his list would try to flirt with him! I think that made him say I was controlling him, & that's why he started controlling me with the threats!
I'm waiting for him to come back home in a month because these things cannot be talked about over the phone.
Also, since our relationship has been very stagnant & long distant, we were thinking of getting physically intimate. He was very decent & he has waited for me to make up my mind on it. Once i was drunk, he even had a chance but he didn't do anything because he wanted me to take a conscious decision.
He's an introvert.
I think he's bothered by my behaviour. I can get real demanding at times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I may have missed something all the posters telling you to go to school etc. What exactly are you doing at the moment. Are you working. Or perhaps even in school.
Like someone commented above almost all the posters here have been divorced at one time. Youre not even married yet.
I dont think you will let him go whatever one says here. But that shouldnt stop you building up your life. Youre scared of upsetting him, but thats not right. You are entitled to be your own person and even when youre married certainly before that he has no right to tell you what to do. That is the first thing you have to work out with him. That from now onwards you do what you want.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

I'm in the final year of medical college. And he just got a job. He doesn't show interest in any girl other than me. He's very loyal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

BreatheLove, you may both feel love for each other but here are the facts: He has already shown you clear signs of dominating control and bi-polar reactions to your relationship.

His personality is self-absorbed to the point where he acts *solely* according to his own needs and not yours as well, and that my dear is not a relationship. It is opressive emotional slavery.

You think the turmoil is bad now? Just wait 10-15 years down the road with him as he gets older. If you stay with this guy, I guarantee you that you are in for an abusive relationship in some fashion... posssibly even escalating to physical abuse.

There's no respect for you or your feelings in this relationship... it's a one-way street serving his own interests and insecurities and that's pretty much the sum of it.

Get out now while you're still young and have a bright future ahread of you.


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## anitagrace2 (Dec 28, 2011)

i think he is a bloody ideat who want breakup after 8 years.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

an Ideat who is trolling posts and can't spell? Next.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

That wasnt nice. Many here cant spell or even write English correctly. That doesnt mean they have nothing meaningful to say. Marriage is not something which only English people do. If anything other cultures do it much more.


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

even i read only the title i feel so sorry about you 8 years is a god damn long enough to understand each other i will only say go for the long term thing, do not stick with it.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> BreatheLove, you may both feel love for each other but here are the facts: He has already shown you clear signs of dominating control and bi-polar reactions to your relationship.
> 
> *His personality is self-absorbed to the point where he acts solely according to his own needs and not yours as well, and that my dear is not a relationship. It is opressive emotional slavery.*
> 
> ...



:iagree:

You might love each other, but love is definitely not enough to sustain a relationship. 

You think that sticking it out and hoping he will change and treat you better will yield the reward you seek with him. It won't. The only thing that will teach him that you have any value is you dumping him and him having to think about why.

This is only going to get worse. I know you love him, but you cannot live your life just for him. Please, take some time apart. If you don't want anyone else, then fine, but as he leaves for months at a time, why can't you? Just tell him you want a break for 3 month to figure some stuff out and focus on you. No contact during that time. Trust me....you'll be seeing much more clearly after that and you will be able to decide what you want to do. And, in that time, either he will learn to respect you or he will show you that he only cares for himself.

I love the heck out of my WH, but he loves himself and his pleasure more than me and the neglect and unfair fighting and cheating and verbal abuse has turned to threats of violence. I have to fight myself every day to stop being an enabler, to keep myself closed up and not invite the bad behavior. You are enabling him to treat you like crap. Stop it. You need to treat yourself better than this, no matter how much you love him. Take a break from him. You deserve to be loved. This behavior isn't loving. His love for you is certainly not anywhere near the top ten priorities of his life, even though yours is your top priority....

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's honest.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Thank you everyone. Ever since the new year started, things are going great. He is the first one to call me up. If I don't text him, he drops me messages saying I love You. During the day also, he texts me. And all I did was give Him a little space, not like I withdrew the Love, but there were somethings like not calling him up every time I was free, and trusting him a little more.
Today I asked him agaon about his behaviour, why he kept talking about leaving me, he said he was angry, it was just anguish that showed up in words. If he really wanted to leave he wouldn't have left. And that He could not imagine a life without me. We havent had a single fight. And we're back to how it was, our Happy Life! 
I'm waiting for him to come back in exactly a month.
I wanted to share this with everyone to let them know, that there is hope 
I would keep people updated. Why most of the Love stories end up here is because we never try or wait to fix them.
Once again, thank you for each and every opinion. All of you are wonderful people!


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

This is the only thing I don't like about YOUNG LOVE. I work with young boys and they are always asking me about my high schools days and I tell them NOT TO BE LIKE I WAS. I was too serious at a young age when i should have been dating different men getting to know more people, doing more socializing as opposed to being so serious with one boyfriend that I'm so thankful Im not married to now.

At 22 surely at 14 you haven't experienced living. I know it hurts and it is hard to let go but it is just not worth it when love hurts and someone is running from you to keep from hurting you.

Do you want this man to stay with you to make you feel better or be with you because he knows you are the one, he wants to grow old with you?


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

BreatheLove said:


> Thank you everyone. Ever since the new year started, things are going great. He is the first one to call me up. If I don't text him, he drops me messages saying I love You. During the day also, he texts me. And all I did was give Him a little space, not like I withdrew the Love, but there were somethings like not calling him up every time I was free, and trusting him a little more.
> Today I asked him agaon about his behaviour, why he kept talking about leaving me, he said he was angry, it was just anguish that showed up in words. If he really wanted to leave he wouldn't have left. And that He could not imagine a life without me. We havent had a single fight. And we're back to how it was, our Happy Life!
> I'm waiting for him to come back in exactly a month.
> I wanted to share this with everyone to let them know, that there is hope
> ...


I think you really need to have the opportunity to be in the same place for a while. I will say this, you do have stay a little less obsessed. Your relationship is long, but you do not have a formal commitment. He can't think your always going to wait around for him no matter what he does. As I said, you need to set some formal boundaries in your relationship that correlate to what you can tolerate. If he can't live up to those, it just isn't going to work. It sounds like things are better, but you really won't know for sure until he gets back. 

Also, is he going to keep leaving again and again? By all means, wait a month. If this is going to be a habit however, I would seriously consider whether you want to stay together with him repeatedly leaving you. Adult relationships involve sacrifice on both sides. He can't just love you but do whatever he wants, especially when it clearly bothers you.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Things are bad again. After like almost a month when it was all going good.
He used my facebook & disapproved of a guy, who he thought, was flirting with me. He wrote to him as me, normally, trying to make an impression that I am boring. I said nothing to him about it. But then in his profile, this girl kept playing pokes with him and she messaged, so I also started this little chat thingy, just like he did, in my profile with that guy. I wrote nothing offensive, But a little attitude kinda thing creeped up. So,, my bf deleted me from his profile, changed his password all angry and didnt talk to me for 2 days. Thereafter, I sent him a request and told him to accept. he accpeted it. But nw I discovered that he has hidden his relationship status from everyone and the wallposts that i wrote to him. He's hiding us basically. We havent spoken in three days, except that I updated something that made him think I'm hanging out with an old friend who had feelings for me. To which i replied "Nothing"
He hasnt called me ever since. Been like 6 days, we're not normal. Where am I stuck? What do I do? Also, he's coming back to home in like a week.


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