# Is my counselor out of line?



## funnygirl14

My husband and I started therapy. We met once together, then set up two sessions where we meet with the counselor individually. My one-on-one session was first. I told him that I am tired of H's ignoring me, dismissing me when I am sick, leaving me in the hosipital alone, and general lack of empathy. He had a close loved one die two years ago, and he tuned out completely. He said he 'went into morning'. Then a couple weeks ago 'he decided to make me happy again'. 

We have been together 14 years. 

I was not prepared for what the conselor said. He told me that H is a passive, non-empathetic, narcissist. I am a caretaker. My H may be the root of my depression as it coincides with the timeline of our relationship. I need to start standing up for myself. I can't let this go on for years to make a decision, that counseling starts taking root within 3 months. 

I am spinning, but paralyzed with his quick judgement. What is his goal? Is he trying to shake me up. To scare the crap out of me. Or try to make me not feel guilty for the demise of my marriage.

I have a little boy. I am capable of supporting him on my own. But I truly didn't expect to have to. 

Anyone have an experience like this?


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## WantsHappiness

I think that the counselor may have made a quick judgment. Probably not the best idea especially considering that he hasn’t had the individual session with your H yet. 

What the counselor doing is telling you the implications of what you’ve told him, there must have been things you told him that made him come to these conclusions. Give it some more time and keep an open mind. I’d say wait until you have the next joint session, see how the counselor reacts to you guys as a couple. If you don’t appreciate his approach you can try another counselor. 

FWIW, H and I went to 5 or 6 joint sessions before we really got into the meat of our issues. Hell, it was 3 or 4 sessions before the counselor even had a good understanding of our issues and he did make a couple snap judgments that he later reversed. 


"Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, often used as a pejorative, denoting vanity, conceit, egotism or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others." Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## steve71

I tend to disbelieve all instant appraisals of marriages. I don't think a counselor can make an authoritative judgement on a complex fourteen year relationship in two one hour sessions. I'm not even sure that it's a counselor's business to make such pronouncements. They are not gods and are subject to the same failings as the rest of us. It seems to me the best they can do is furnish you with analytical tools and mediate a 'safe' space in which to arrive at your own views in the fulness of time. Otherwise why go back week after week, month after month if you got the full story on week two?


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## OneMarriedGuy

There are good mechanics and bad, good doctors and bad, good salespeople and bad...good counselors and BAD.


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## Blanca

funnygirl14 said:


> I was not prepared for what the conselor said. He told me that H is a passive, non-empathetic, narcissist. I am a caretaker. My H may be the root of my depression as it coincides with the timeline of our relationship. I need to start standing up for myself. I can't let this go on for years to make a decision, that counseling starts taking root within 3 months.
> 
> I am spinning, but paralyzed with his quick judgement. What is his goal? Is he trying to shake me up. To scare the crap out of me. Or try to make me not feel guilty for the demise of my marriage.


The counselor parroted back to you what you said to him. He told you exactly what you wanted to hear- that your marriage isnt your fault and your H is a jerk. If you go back and read your first paragraph you make your H sound like a complete narcissistic jerk. Why are you scared because the counselor agreed with you? He didnt say anything you didnt tell him. Your counselor doesnt know anything about your H except what you have told him. He's simply making you aware of how you feel about your H. Whether those things are actually true about your H or not is debatable. 

But if that was my counselor my concern would be- I wonder what he's saying to your H about you...Is the counselor just parroting back to your H that you are a nag and nothing is ever good enough for you? probably. 

Honestly, I think its genius. He's giving you both what you want. the question is, is it what you really want and is it what you really think about each other?


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