# Hello (intro and laying it out there)



## Thorian (Jun 17, 2008)

Hi. I am an almost 30 yr old guy that has been with the same woman for almost 10 years and married for 5. 

When I met my wife we were "broke" but we were both working. She was an office assistant and I was a tow truck driver after getting discharged from the Army (medical)

I moved in with her after 6 months of "dating", at the time she had gotten out of an abusive controlling relationship, and I was just out of one of those stupid teenage relationships where I was faithful and she slept around behind my back. I guess you could say that I have always been a 1 woman man. 

Early on she was supportive of my career and encouraged me to quit driving a tow truck to begin a career in IT. She had applied for a Support/Sales position and her recruiter told her that there were several positions so she had me apply also. I got the job and she didn't, But it was my fault somehow. (that was in the first year.) I broke off the relationship and moved out because I felt that it was not fair that I am punished for her insecurities. 

After about 2 weeks of being miserable, I went back to talk to her as I really did love her. The job issue worked it's way out and 6 months later we both went from being "broke" to making combined 90k a year. I was working for a larger company in IT and she was working in sales for a larger regional newspaper. 

That went fine for about a year, then she gets Meningitis and winds up quitting her job because her sales commissions dried up for not working for 3 weeks. 

That was just as fine with me as she was working with a bunch of stuck up *****es and they were starting to rub off on her. I was actually rather crass in one argument and stated. That when I met her we were both born broke white trash and that I didn't like whom she had become. I gave her a engagement ring that was a recreation of a ring found in the grave of a viking age queen, apparently the people she worked with made fun of her because it was not a big diamond. Where as I was hurt in that I found the ring that fit our personalities and her position in my life. (we were both viking age reenactors) 

At the time she wouldn't let me pay any of the bills (all in her name) So in a way to pitch in I gave her a car and took care of the payments insurance and her parking (Basically it worked out that both of were expending about the same amount towards the house hold or so I thought) 

So back to her quitting her job her salary went from 40-50K+ a year to 21k and that is when she stopped paying the bills. So unbeknown to me the house payment electric & Gas were all building up but because she was paying something they were not getting turned off. I found out about it after her mortgage company started the foreclosure process. So I bailed her out and brought everything up to current, But she still wouldn't let me handle any of her finances because of her abusive controlling ex boyfriend. 

Granted we were young stupid and didn't save anything. I had $900 a month in car payments and we ate out at restaurants every night. then again when you are 22 and make more money then your parents combined you tend to think that nothing can happen to you. And that is when it happened the dot com bubble started to break and some terrorists brought the economy to its knees ( 9/11/01 ). I ended up loosing my job and although I was able to find a better one the damage was already done. she sold the house just before it was foreclosed on and I borrowed $500 from a friend to move us where the good job was, in the knick of time as the .com she worked for went under 2 weeks later. So we struggled and were actually getting ahead again. She got another job making about 20k a year and we got smarter about how we spent our money. A year later we bought another house (it was a nice house and although I didnt really want the commute I was happy there) 
We got married ( at this point about 5 years after we met ) 

In the next 3 months She ended up quitting her job because she hated it and her hands hurt (she was developing carpal tunnel). We had downsized our spending so I got frustrated about her job, and told her that if she hated her job quit. 

At this point I came to the realization that I have no career advancement and with the recovery of the economy I wanted to move back to a large city. My parents were also going through a divorce at the same time and I was seeing a PHD to talk about that and my recent marriage (fears that since my parents were divorcing after 25 years that my marriage is just as likely to fail). 

About this time the fertility problems begin. We make plans to move back to the city. I enroll in college. And then it hits she is sick all the time and the DR says that she is pregnant. So I cancel all those plans take the house back off the market and keep my dead end job. She miscarries (I was at the DR with her so I know she was really pregnant.) and we decided to work on building a family. I kind of always wanted kids however I have issues that I was seeing a PHD for. Since I would do anything for her and have up to this point i agree and we start trying to have a baby. 

After 2 years of trying and failing and DR's we are told that our chances of conceiving are worse then the lottery. So we look at adoption instead. 

We went thorough the State Foster Parent Program as it is the first step to adopting from the state. One of the 3 things required are reference letters from family and friends. After we complete our training we get a letter dropping us from the program the person we talk to says that one of our letters is the reason. So I go back and talk to the people that wrote letters and my Father in Law confesses that he wrote a negative letter but wont elaborate what it is. So in 3 years I have not forgiven his betrayal, and it only confirms that he is the dirtbag that I thought that he was. About this time we buy our small farm and are starting on our forever house. Fincanials are ok and all the bills are being paid, I have long since made sure that I handle all the bill paying. 

We get a phone call from a friend and long story short we are offered to adopt her nephew as the birth mother has some issues and cant take care of him. We agree and start the adoption process. I borrow about 5 thousand from my Step father and Mom to cover a private home study and atty fees. 

The boy has mental issues but we think we can handle everything so we procede. After all ya need is love right? We decide to move to a bigger city to get him the special services that he requires. I find a job with the USDA and interview for some others, the farm is placed on the market. And we start packing. 

We were going to rent a house (for free) from my step dad and mom. And my wife goes on ahead to paint. Little do I know but she and her dad start renovating the place with out permission. My step dad goes ballistic and because I am oath bound to my wife I take her side however I am still pissed about the work that he did on my house at her behest but I bite my . (it isn't done and actually made the problem worse.) 

So if you are keeping track I hate my father in law and she hates my step dad. 

I loose the contract with the USDA due to some government crap and we decide to make it work where we live. We sell off most of the livestock on the farm except for the horses and 2 sheep. I cash in my 401k at this time as we are broke and I need to float our family the kid needs anti crazy pills and therapy and the adoption is finalized at this point. Meanwhile in the previous 3 years she is in effect unemployed because of her carpal tunnel. I get my dead end job making 40k back and turn down one in the big city making twice the money 80K because of the implosion of the extended family relationships. 

Ill skip ahead the monotony of the previous year I assume that it is because I gave up and don't care about the marriage. I am filing bankruptcy because of the kids medical bills and a poor decision to replace a vehicle with a newer one at her behest. at the time I didn't think that we could make the payments but I caved in anyway because she will get her way it is just easier for me to not fight it. 

Last fall She enrolls in college and 4 weeks into the semester drops out. But we are still stuck with the debt from her loans. I figured that hey she got a pell grant for $1000 if I took 1 class a semester then perhaps I could finish my degree in the next 6 years to get out of this dead end job. So I get my financial aid package together and apply to school. Unfortunately because I cashed in my 401k last year my income is disproportionate to what I actually made and I dont qualify for a pellgrant so that plan is busted. 

I am depressed most of the time now, I try to drive the depression away by positive thinking or some other happy new age bull**** and am successfully able to for about 3 months but on fathers day of this year it really hits home. We planned on spending the day together as a family but due to the rain we are unable to do anything. My wife asked my son to make me a card but he didn't. Today She called me to go off because she didnt hear when I said that I loved her. 

In a nut shell I feel that I am the cash cow, I am not appreciated at home and I dislike my dead end job although it is easy. 

I really don't know what I hope to accomplish with this however I do feel better just laying it all out there.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

gosh that was a read. but i read it. your very indepth at the moment. being pulled from pillar to post. i think you have lost perspective and you have to much going on at once. 
you need to take things back to basics.
we all have issues
family life
Career
finances
and you have to much going on in all these sections to find the right balance.
dont take it personally with your son , i have 2 boys and its not worth the fight over. 
your depression wil lift, we all have good and bad days.
from personal experience its no good rowing over finances. 
i think the main start you need is your relationship with your wife. 
i believe that in a relationship with your wife should be as follows - 
and vice versa - communication , honesty and sex. 
sounds odd i know. but actually how good are they? 
you need to feel important again for your effort and contributions, who doesnt. 
then you need to concentrate on family - time for yourself (alone)
time with your wife ( no child) then time together ( as a family) and either u or your wife has sole time with the child. 
These are my personal life constructions. you wil find that if you dont talk to eachother, other things like sex go down pan. etc.
so by being near eachother, you take control of situations, like your finances. take one step at a time. deal with a debt one at a time. 
as for your job, who really likes going to work. i go to work for my wages not for anything else.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sometimes just ranting helps. Many times writing things out help us to see what we feel. Either way, I am glad you joined and only wish I could see what you need to be able to help more.

draconis


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