# Deal with the cold sholder?



## whatsmyname (Jun 14, 2011)

Question for you guys.

How do you deal with it when you can tell your wife is upset with you for one reason or another, but when you ask, she says nothing is wrong?

Should I just let it go and trust that if it was something important that she would tell me about it? Or keep asking until she comes clean?

Thanks


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

YouTube - ‪Whitney Cummings Crazy *****es.mp4‬‏


NSFW language.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Heavens no! You gotta crawl through the broken glass. That's part of their fun. If you don't suffer to get the answer, it means you don't care. You're supposed to follow them around patiently holding their hands while looking your most concerned. After gently asking her "what's wrong" about 300 times or so, she'll let loose with an emotional rant that makes positively no sense to you or any other straight male. Keep looking concerned and apologize. 
Whatever it is, it's probably your fault. It's like cleaning your septic tank. The lid never comes off easily. It's unpleasant and time consuming once the lid does come off. There's crap down there you really don't recognize or want to know about. You don't want to let it back up too long. If you don't perform this maintenance, you'll wish you had.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

whatsmyname said:


> Question for you guys.
> 
> How do you deal with it when you can tell your wife is upset with you for one reason or another, but when you ask, she says nothing is wrong?
> 
> ...


Her anger is not your issue, regardless of the reason. If she isn't enough of an adult to talk about it, from my perspective, it is a non-issue. Cold-shoulder / Silent treatment / ostracization is form of abuse. If you don't want to be around it then just say, "I'm going to ________. I'll be back later."

Fill in the blank with bar, park, mall, gym, Asian massage parlor, etc.

When she comes around and decides to talk, you can let her know that you care what is upsetting her, and will talk through it, but the silent treatment, to me, is disrespectful and something I will not tolerate.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

whatsmyname said:


> Question for you guys.
> 
> How do you deal with it when you can tell your wife is upset with you for one reason or another, but when you ask, she says nothing is wrong?
> 
> ...


No. You do not keep asking until she comes clean.

You ask if there is something that needs to be discussed ... not, "What's wrong?" or "What did I do now?"

and when she responds "Nothing is wrong ..." or, "There's no problem." 
Give her a big smile, a hug and a kiss and say "I know you'd be open with me if something was bothering you." Then tell her to have a great day, because you sure plan to! Then walk away, and don't bring it up again ... ever.

If she is using the 'cold shoulder' as a communication tactic to elicit a response from you ... then the last thing in the world you want to do is behave in a way that sends her the message; 'this works'.

*Note In the event that you KNOW you did something to upset her, own it. Take responsibility. Provide a sincere apology, if an apology is warranted. If she forgives you ... and then goes back to giving you the cold shoulder? Rinse and repeat the steps above.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

enjoy the silence


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> enjoy the silence


LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL indeed. I love Depeche Mode


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Such an old game, first try humor and sarcasm, then if it doesn't work, try the empathic and negotiable approach, then if it doesn't work, then resort to playing the same game back and see who breaks. Might take a while, so spice things up with a bit of teasing.



> ...You're supposed to follow them around patiently holding their hands while looking your most concerned. After gently asking her "what's wrong" about 300 times or so, she'll let loose with an emotional rant that makes positively no sense to you or any other straight male. Keep looking concerned and apologize.


From personal experience, doing that seems to actually ENCOURAGE the longetivity of the behaviour with my missus. I never apologise without first knowing what's going on or second knowing that it's ACTUALLY my fault.


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## Ness (Jun 27, 2011)

First time on this site and have never done this before but like many on here I'm looking for answers and help for my marriage myself and this topic hits close to home. Female, been with my husband for 15 years, very unhappy but still wanting to find the happiness with him. In our last "email fight" this came up. 

I do give the cold shoulder...and this comment hit home...

"...You're supposed to follow them around patiently holding their hands while looking your most concerned. After gently asking her "what's wrong" about 300 times or so, she'll let loose with an emotional rant that makes positively no sense to you or any other straight male. Keep looking concerned and apologize."

My God, this is terribly funny because this is true and I don't know why. I would love to give you some insight but as a female I can't even understand why I do it myself and would love nothing more than to be able to speak when I need to most. 

The only thing I can say (and hope this makes sense) is that in my case, it seems like I can talk to just about anyone BUT my husband (not proud to say that). I am a very strong willed, stubborn, Type A personality etc and can have a conversation, with just about anyone because my emotions aren't there. But with my husband, my emotions run super high and I completely shut down. The harder the topic, the less I can speak. I want nothing more that to talk but at the moment I can't get the words out. If I ever did manage to find words, it's never what I want to say-usually fuelled with anger and it's like my entire vocabulary diminishes. I don't like anyone to see me weak and he is the only person in the world that can make me feel like the weakest person on earth. 

I want him to try, because lord knows I can't willingly initiate a conversation that spikes my emotions, so when he doesn't try I get mad. For me, a one-time "what's wrong?" and walk away shrugging shoulders, isn't enough to get me to talk. If it were that easy, I would initiate the conversation myself.

I was working on this communication problem of mine, and for a while our communication improved. I can tell you that if it's something simple I have learned to respond with minimal "effort" but if it hits a nerve I haven't been able to find a quick solution yet but as long as I felt comfortable with him, I was able to talk. It usually meant going for a drink or lunch and I would open up. 

I believe if my husband and I were to continue "trying" then we would be able to see the light again, because over time it was getting easier and easier to communicate, but once he/we stopped it got even worse. Maybe he stopped trying because he thought I was "cured" lol.

Anyway, I doubt that makes sense to anyone and probably doesn't help but I will be following this feed because if there is a solution, man I wanna find it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The old me would've pestered her until she told me. 
Now I ask once if she's upset about anything. If she says "No" then I say "OK" and walk away if she's giving the cold shoulder enough to be unpleasant around.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

marduk said:


> The old me would've pestered her until she told me.
> Now I ask once if she's upset about anything. If she says "No" then I say "OK" and walk away if she's giving the cold shoulder enough to be unpleasant around.



I enjoy the silent treatment. At least he's not nagging me! Tips on how to keep it going????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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