# Husband refuses to end contact with EA



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My other posts have outlined our history. In a nutshell, we've been having problems for a long time, he left in August 2011 and then came back asking us to go to therapy.

In therapy, in early December, it comes out he has had romantic feelings towards a female "friend" he hangs out with regularly. He also goes to this "friend" whenever we have problems. She is married with a child. In a heated argument he stated he would have married her but she was not interested in him romantically. I had suspected for years they had something going on, but when I questioned him he said they were just friends.

He defends himself by saying he should never have told me about her, that it is another example why he can't talk to me!!

He refuses to end contact with her. Says I am trying to control who he is "friends" with. I gave him an ultimatum: end it or our marriage is over. He said fine, marriage over.

He tells me she has always been there for him, understands him, listens to him, etc, etc. I feel he has not fully committed himself to repairing our marriage because he is still connected to her.

Today was the 1 week since I gave him the choice. He said he will not end his "friendship" with her. I said fine, move out. He is refusing to move out. Also he likes to remind me I won't get much in support, he said he saw an attorney and he said the judge will make me get a job. We've been married 11 yrs and I've been a stay at home mom for 8.5 yrs, supporting his career and caring for our special needs child. We're in California.

I am so angry. He makes me feel like a freak for not thinking its ok for him to have this "friend". He still runs to her when we have an agrument. Even today he stated that maybe in the future, if they are both single he would try and hook up with her again. Nice huh.

Am I being unreasonable? I do not want to be a doormat, and I do not want to share my husband with another "friend". On the other hand I do not want to destroy my family, my son will be devastated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) don't believe what he says about what you will or will not get in a divorce and see your own lawyer instead
2) tell the OW's husband


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

No no no no, you are not being unreasonable. Nor are YOU destroying your family.

I am so sorry you are here.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> He said fine, marriage over.


That pretty much says it all right there. He either means it or he's bluffing but does it really make a difference? The end result is the same either way - the OW is more important than you are. 




brokenbythis said:


> Am I being unreasonable? I do not want to be a doormat, and I do not want to share my husband with another "friend". On the other hand I do not want to destroy my family, my son will be devastated.


Hell no you're not being unreasonable - you're completely right. He's doing the typical cheater thing of wanting to have his cake and eat it to all the while trying to convince you that you're crazy for having a problem with it. I certainly don't know the laws in Calif. but never would I accept his take on it, go find your own lawyer to talk to. You should be able to get one to answer just your basic questions for little or no money.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I can't afford a lawyer, I have no money of my own. I will have to use the self help desk at the county courthouse.

Her husband knows, knows that she has a "friend" and apparently he is ok with it because she does not have romantic feelings towards my husband.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, you're not being unreasonable. You are being smart. 



brokenbythis said:


> He refuses to end contact with her. Says I am trying to control who he is "friends" with. *I gave him an ultimatum: end it or our marriage is over. He said fine, marriage over.*
> 
> Today was the 1 week since I gave him the choice. He said he will not end his "friendship" with her. I said fine, move out. He is refusing to move out. Also he likes to remind me I won't get much in support, he said he saw an attorney and he said the judge will make me get a job.


So file for separation/divorce and have him served.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> I can't afford a lawyer, I have no money of my own. I will have to use the self help desk at the county courthouse.
> 
> Her husband knows, knows that she has a "friend" and apparently he is ok with it because she does not have romantic feelings towards my husband.


you have shared assets, yes you can afford a lawyer. Besides the initial consultation is usually free


then make sure the husband knows that is NOT just friends


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Unfortunately we have no shared assets, no savings. We have car loans, just lost our house in foreclosure, renting a house, he has State retirement we cannot touch or borrow from.

We are also in the middle of a lawsuit - we are suing parties for a real estate deal gone wrong so we are paying big $$ to attorneys for that too. We have medical bills for our child,

I am in a pickle. I have nowhere to turn. I can't afford an attorney as I do not have access to his paycheck. If I get a job, which would make it very hard to care for our child, my support would be reduced so much it would not be worth it.

I hate where I am... I hate that he knows I have nowhere to go and no resources and he thinks he can hold me hostage.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

brokenbythis- 

Stop "feeling." Just stop. Start thinking instead. You say you don't have any money. Do you have a phone? Then start calling lawyers and get the names of the ones who will do free consultations.

Then make appointments to go meet with them, and explain your situation.

You will be able to find a lawyer who will take your case and represent you, in exchange for payment at the end of the process. They can take their payment out of your husband's hide, if it comes right down to it.

Your husband is lying to you about a couple of things. First, he is lying to you when he says that you won't get "much in support." you have a special needs child. The courts generally don't leave women with children destitute, and you will get a fair settlement.

Secondly, it seems like in California, 10 years married is the magic number for you to get spousal support (alimony). 

In looking at the big picture, the thing you seem to be missing is that YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Refusing to set aside his EA partner? Getting a lawyer for legal advice and lying about his position? Keeping you under such tight money control that you DON'T have the money to hire a lawyer?

Stop wallowing in feeling bad and start changing your life.

I understand that you are overwhelmed by your feelings. And its good that you have found TAM to vent about things. But venting doesn't actually move you forward. You are in limbo with your husband, and the only person who can move you out of limbo is YOU.

So less with the feelings, and more with the actions. Go find a lawyer. Understand what your legal options are, and when you know that, make the decision that is right for you and your child. 

If your husband is so controlling that you don't have money to hire a lawyer, then you will also need to budget for some therapy to help you understand why you made such a poor choice of mates 11 years ago.

Or just stay broken by this. Your call.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I have started to research divorce attorneys in my area. Hopefully I can find a few that will do free initial consultations. And also bill HIM at the end.

I read all these other posts about infidelity and in the majority of them, the cheater expresses remorse, apologizes, does everything they can to make things better, recommits himself 100% to his/her spouse.

_*My H has done none of these. The closest he has come is to mumble "sorry" and "I didn't mean to hurt anyone".*_

It's all about him. He has done nothing to mend the damage he has done, he still blames it all on me for being a crap&y listener, etc. In reality he has never shared anything with me on a deep level, ever. He has always gone to others, especially this female "friend". I have always felt from the beginning of our marriage that he has a hard time connecting with me. I think there is something in his personality that no matter who, he would have a hard time connecting with the person in his primary relationship. He has never had a long term girlfriend before me, and we got married at 31.

He comes from a seriously messed up family with mental illness issues, divorce on all corners of the extended family, his own dad left and his crazy mother to this day says she has no idea what went wrong. Ha! How can you have no idea why your marriage ended?

How did I make such a poor choice? Good question. I've been in IC for the past 5 mths finding out and I think it's pretty clear to me now. It's still hard though. I moved here from another country 11 yrs ago, I have no support system, no money, no job, a dear beloved child who needs so much of my help just to "make it" every day and its scary.

That being said, I cannot live like this any longer. I deserve better, I deserve to be loved unconditionally and honestly, without a third person in my marriage. And my son deserves to see a better example of a marriage.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You guys don't have legal aid in the US?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ...Today was the 1 week since I gave him the choice. He said he will not end his "friendship" with her. I said fine, move out. He is refusing to move out. Also he likes to remind me I won't get much in support, he said he saw an attorney and he said the judge will make me get a job. We've been married 11 yrs and I've been a stay at home mom for 8.5 yrs, supporting his career and caring for our special needs child. We're in California.


Please look at this Child Support and Spousal Support Calculator for estimates: 

California Child & Spousal Support Calculator | Dishon & Block

Assuming he makes $75,000 annually and would claim "single"...and you make $0 and would claim your special needs child "head of household"...and assuming there are medical costs for your child of $300/mo. and that your child is 70% with you and 30% with his father, here are typical results: 

Father pays Mother Child Support
Monthly:$1129.19 Yearly:$13550.27

Husband pays Wife Spousal Support
Monthly:$1273.52 Yearly:$15282.27

*Total
Monthly:$2402.71 Yearly:$28832.54*

Here are the factors the court considers in granting spousal support:

The extent to which the earning capacity of each party is sufficient to maintain the marital standard of living.
The contribution the recipient made to the payer's education and career.
The time the recipient spent in "domestic duties" as it hurt the recipient's earning capacity.
The payer's ability to pay.
The needs of both parties, based on the marital standard of living.
The debts and assets of both parties.
The impact on the children of having the care-giving spouse working.
The age and health of the parties, including any effect of emotional distress resulting from domestic violence.
Any immediate and specific tax consequences.
Anything else the court thinks relates to the justice and fairness of the support amount.

Thus from what I can see if you were married 11 years, you would probably get something like 6 years or more because your earning potential would be changed due to having a special needs child. 

Also, California is a community-property state, so literally half of everything you two owned will be yours including that retirement fund. Finally there a definite benefits to having been married more than 10 years: Benefits of Being Married 10 Years | California Divorce Guide

I tell you all this, not in order to encourage you to divorce, but rather to arm you with the truth. DO NOT believe what comes out of the lips of a cheater!! When a person is disloyal, they are thinking selfishly and they are in a fantasy where they have their spouse meet some needs and the lover meet other needs. DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT!! It's just plain not true. 

The truth is that he would probably have to pay you $2500 or more per month for child support and alimony, and he would probably have to contribute monthly to the medical costs as well! The truth is that he would lose at minimum half of every red cent he owns. The truth is that it would COST HIM DEEPLY to lose all this over a "friendship". 

So be armed with facts and with the truth. Research and find out what your state's laws say about child support, alimony, etc. and what your rights would be! And then do not be intimidated or taken in by his bluff.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get legal aid. Go up to the courthouse and file the divorce/separation on your own. You don't need an attorney.
Start looking for a job to secure your future.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

According to that scale, using those factors but using his salary, he would have to pay me $3420 p.month. Our child is in private school due to his disabilities and my husband assumes that would end simply because he does not want to pay for it any longer 

Expensive "friendship" but he still wants her in is life.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He's either trying to control you by convincing you that divorce is impossible or he has a serious reality check coming. Either way you've got to hit him with the fact that divorce is a very real possibility. Once he comes to that realization he may be more interested in cutting this OW out of his life if you still want him back by that time.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> He's either trying to control you by convincing you that divorce is impossible or he has a serious reality check coming. Either way you've got to hit him with the fact that divorce is a very real possibility. Once he comes to that realization he may be more interested in cutting this OW out of his life if you still want him back by that time.


I know he thinks I won't do it. He thinks I'm bluffing.

We have a joint MC session tomorrow and all this is coming out. I'll reserve my phone calls to attorneys until tomorrow afternoon. But I have a feeling divorce is on the way...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

why are you going to MC with him if he's still involved with OW? 

I wouldn't go at all.

Go to the court, get your paperwork, fill i tout and be done.

He doesn't get to dictate how much he pays you (if you are eligible for child support/alimony)--a judge will decide if you can't agree.

In the interim, GET A JOB. You can't depend on him for the rest of your life especially if you divorce.

Oh and seeif you have legal aid.

Where there is a will, there is a way.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

You have not specified why your child needs so much of your time. Just that he has special needs. There are varying degree's of special needs. W/o knowing the specifics, no one can really give you specific info on what the courts may or may not award you.

And yes, if you have been married for at least 10 yrs, you will get half of everything your husband has worked for. Not only that, but you are now entitled to part of his social security pension. So when you reach 63, start drawing from HIS social security and wait until you are 70 to draw from your own  Your son is also able to draw from your hubby's SS.

Now, I am sorry this is happening to you. No one should go thru sh*t like this. Adults should be able to say "hey, I don't want to be with you anymore" but for some reason, when a person cheats, they turn into a child and can't make the grown up decision to be honest with their spouse.

It is up to you to be the adult. Tell your husband NOTHING. Check with divorce attorney's for a free consultation. And yes, your attorney can make your husband pay his/her fee's.

Now for the sad truth: your H is living in a fairy dream. He is having an EA and flaunting it right in front of your face. Contact the woman's husband and let him know your H is in love with his wife. She 'says' she doesn't have feelings for him. But she sure as hell knows how your H feels and if she knows this, she is just as guilty as your H for not ending the relationship. Once someone starts to have more than just 'friend' feelings for another, it is very difficult to continue on as 'pals'. I would guess she enjoys your H feeling the way he does about her. Otherwise she would have put an end to the relationship.

Start the process of getting out of this marriage. Start your healing process. Until your H ends his EA, your marriage is doomed. 

And believe me. I know it is much easier said than done. Listening to advice is easy. Giving advice is easy. Acting on what you know is best for you is difficult. And again, I'm sorry you are having to go through this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorce him


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## barsie (Mar 26, 2013)

Divorce him and get rid of the bastard. Your marriage will never be the same now.


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