# Do I stay just for the kids?



## UNHAPPYMOMMY (Jan 24, 2013)

Hi... just joined this and not sure really where to start... I will try to make it short and sweet... 

I am miserable! Both my husband and I are not happy... we don't get along, we walk around on eggshells around each other, and can not have a conversation with out disagreeing or bickering about something. We are very emotionally and physically disconnected. It is both of our faults, we don't communicate. 

I am ready for a divorce, I have been for a while... and I am pretty sure he is too.... neither of us has cheated, but neither of us trust each other... now here is my dilemmas...

I have 3 young boys (8yrs - from a previous relationship, 3.5 & 2 - both are ours together). I am afraid what it is going to do to them when we split... mostly my oldest. My husband is the only "father" he knows... considers him his dad and vice versa (his biological dad hasn't been in his life much). I know its not healthy to stay married just for the kids sake, and in the long run it will be better for them to grow up with their parents happy, and not fighting continuously... but how do I get the balls to make myself just do it already????

Also... how or what is the best way to go about bringing this conversation up... I want to do things in the most civil manner and process we can. He is going to react one of two ways... either agreeing w/me and act as a mature adult about the situation... or more likely blow up and blow things out of proportion and over emotional and "freak out"... Do I get a lawyer first and file before talking to him? Or talk to him first to try to come to an agreement? 

PLEASE help me!!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

In answer to your question: No, don't stay just for the kids. Children learn more from what they see. Think about it, if the two of you are not happy, what are they getting out of that?

You do need to address the elephant in the living room. Stepping around on eggshells is just delaying the agony. In a non-confromational manner, no accusations, no blames, ect, tell him that you would like to sit down and talk. "Honey I need to talk with you about something. I feel <insert feeling> about our marriage and it makes me very sad/upset/unhappy." 

Where it goes from here depends on whether you want to try and work on things or just end it all. The key is to avoid the accusations and try to come to a joint resolution. If he flips out, calmy state that getting emotional will not fix the situation, can you please take a moment to calm down so that you can talk.

I am not going to try and talk you out of divorce, that is a very personal decision. I will say make sure that you have truly exhausted the options prior to filing. I do look at divorce as a last resort.


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

I think he would immediately be pissed if you see a lawyer first. Come out and tell him you want a divorce and you will be making an appointment with an attorney. Be firm and stand your ground about the divorce. Mention that you two need to work together and amicably for the sake of the children. I was fortunate. My daughter was two when I divorced my EX. She's done great and enjoys her every other weekend with her DAD. Stress to the STBX that you two need to work something out that will be agreeable to everyone. But at the same time reinforce the fact that you are serious about the divorce.

NO ONE deserves to serve a life sentence in a loveless marriage because there are children involved. That's not a valid reason not to pursue your divorce.

Hit a snag and reach an impasse with the STBX. See your attorney. He'll get things moving.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Have you tried to work on the marriage before bailing? The idea that people just get married and by fate live happily ever after with no work is fantasyland. No abuse, no infidelity, obviously you were having sex at some point- seems like one if those things that could be improved IMHO. I wouldn't say to stay married JUST for the kids, but divorce is harmful. Pro divorce people try to rationalize negative effects or use anecdotal exceptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

skb said:


> My daughter was two when I divorced my EX. She's done great and enjoys her every other weekend with her DAD.


So, because of the divorce, she no longer has a DAD.

Every other weekend? He's not a parent. Just some dude she hangs out with every once in awhile. "Uncle Daddy". maybe. Does she have a "new Daddy"?

She's "great" now. Check back when she is 16.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

UNHAPPYMOMMY said:


> I have 3 young boys (8yrs - from a previous relationship, 3.5 & 2 - both are ours together). I am afraid what it is going to do to them when we split... mostly my oldest. My husband is the only "father" he knows... considers him his dad and vice versa (his biological dad hasn't been in his life much).


You sound like a caring person who is very unhappy and trying to do what's best.

It's good that you are concerned about this part. Boys depend a lot on relationships with their Dads. Not having a Dad or having an abusive one can cause a lot of issues. I'd be particularly concerned about a son who has already been abandoned by or deprived of a relationship (for whatever reason) with one Dad, to be replaced by a loving one who appears to be a temporary interloper on his way to ex-StepDad, to then be replaced by another or a series of subsequent Step-Dads? I would be concerned for not only his development but his relationship with you.

If you've been together long enough that the 8 year-old sees your husband as his Dad, and you have 3.5 and 2 year-olds, it sounds like you might have something worth recovering. I don't know if there is abuse or some other details not being shared or if this is just one of those "Unhaaaaaaaaaaaaappy" things. But, IMHO, if you and the husband don't try some counseling now (don't know if you have), your kids are going to be in a lot of counseling later and probably throughout their adult lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you are both unhappy. What have the two of you done to try to turn the marriage around? If you were in love and happy once, you can be again.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You say that you are both unhappy. What have the two of you done to try to turn the marriage around? If you were in love and happy once, you can be again.


I would have to respectfully disagree, I think sometimes people just grow apart and become different people than they were when they met. Life changes people and sometimes not together, or things you let slide before you no longer can, or things you could live with you no longer can. I don't know what the right answer is, don't know if there is a right answer. Divorce is not something I support but I also don't think you should live your life unhappy eithier. My parents divorced when I was 9, brother was 14, and I can't speak for him but as hard as it was in the beginning it turned out for the best. It was bad living with two people that could not do anything together without it being a fight. Having said that my marriage may be headed for divorce but I don't think I would leave my 14 yr old son. Me and my wife get along pretty good so we don't fight much but there is other issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

homebuilder said:


> I would have to respectfully disagree, I think sometimes people just grow apart and become different people than they were when they met. Life changes people and sometimes not together, or things you let slide before you no longer can, or things you could live with you no longer can. I don't know what the right answer is, don't know if there is a right answer. Divorce is not something I support but I also don't think you should live your life unhappy eithier. My parents divorced when I was 9, brother was 14, and I can't speak for him but as hard as it was in the beginning it turned out for the best. It was bad living with two people that could not do anything together without it being a fight. Having said that my marriage may be headed for divorce but I don't think I would leave my 14 yr old son. Me and my wife get along pretty good so we don't fight much but there is other issues.


My comment was made based on stories from people who were able to overcome 'growing apart' and even coming to the point of disliking each other.

Not everyone can rebuild their relationship. But if both spouses work at it they often can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

UNHAPPYMOMMY,

Take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The two books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" are a good place to start to rebuild your relationship.


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

martyc47 said:


> So, because of the divorce, she no longer has a DAD.
> 
> *100% wrong. She has a DAD and will always have a DAD. I'll check for you but I don't think the divorce petition said anything about my EX no longer being her DAD. And BTW, he has her for two weeks during the summer as well.*
> 
> ...


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

You have two small kids a year and a half apart. That is stressful in an of itself. I like what I heard Dr. Phil say once, you have to earn your way out of a marriage. After years of trying....books, counselors, weekend workshops....my therapist, as well as my family members, gave me their blessing and told me I earned it after years of torturing myself and trying to figure out how to make mine work. It doesn't sound, honestly, as if you are there yet. I'm not saying you have to go through years of misery, but like others have said, I'm curious as to what you have tried.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

martyc47 said:


> So, because of the divorce, she no longer has a DAD.
> 
> Every other weekend? He's not a parent. Just some dude she hangs out with every once in awhile. "Uncle Daddy". maybe. Does she have a "new Daddy"?
> 
> She's "great" now. Check back when she is 16.


This is ridiculous. I grew up with people whose parents lived at home, but checked out of the marriage and parental duties. Every other weekend, is better than what some children get with a "dad" in the house every day.

I know a bunch of deployed military guys who haven't seen their children in years. According to your assessment they aren't Dads?

I know a mom who is a long haul trucker and may see her child every two weeks or so, she is now not a mom?

You may not like divorce but lets not be ridiculous. It is all about the situation and how the person parents.


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is ridiculous. I grew up with people whose parents lived at home, but checked out of the marriage and parental duties. Every other weekend, is better than what some children get with a "dad" in the house every day.
> 
> I know a bunch of deployed military guys who haven't seen their children in years. According to your assessment they aren't Dads?
> 
> ...


Exactly - after years of ignoring us while living in the same house my husband is only attempting to step up to the plate now because he knows a D is in his future and I am sure he consulted a lawyer who advised him to start stepping up to look good in public.

Everyone is seeing right through it, anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gettingout said:


> Exactly - after years of ignoring us while living in the same house my husband is only attempting to step up to the plate now because he knows a D is in his future and I am sure he consulted a lawyer who advised him to start stepping up to look good in public.
> 
> Everyone is seeing right through it, anyway.


Or maybe once you told him you want a divorce he realized what he would lose and is changing. That does happen quite often.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The only way you should stay for the kids is if you can both behave in a civil manner to one another. I would even model a loving relationship for your kids. But it does not sound as if this is possible in your situation. I suggest MC before giving up, but if you cannot handle the marriage please let him go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many self help books have you read so far? How many counselors have you been to? How often have YOU stopped an argument by refusing to participate? How often do you try to meet your husband's top Emotional Needs? Do you know what your Love Busters are that you do to him? If so, have you stopped doing them?

You haven't done all this?

Then, YES, you need to stay.

You already ran once from one man. Now you're running from another. You are the common denominator here. What makes you think you'll have any better luck with yet another man, when you haven't taken the time to figure out how to fix yourself so you become a better wife and partner? Your own issues will just start popping up with the next man, just as your husband's will with any other woman.

Running is not the answer. Marriages aren't disposable. They take hard work and they take CHANGE. Your kids deserve you taking ACTIVE steps to change your marriage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

gettingout said:


> Exactly - after years of ignoring us while living in the same house my husband is only attempting to step up to the plate now because he knows a D is in his future and I am sure he consulted a lawyer who advised him to start stepping up to look good in public.
> 
> Everyone is seeing right through it, anyway.


Only you know the situation. He may be sincere in changing I do not know.

I just don't like the notion of judging anyone as a non- parent because they see their child every other weekend. Divorce is terrible on children if you believe the statistics. People tend to not report on the FACT that fighting, indifference, and other problems in a loveless marriage is just as bad. You rarely see those statistics.


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## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Or maybe once you told him you want a divorce he realized what he would lose and is changing. That does happen quite often.


I'd like to think so but it's just PR. Underlying dysfunction and refusing to be accountable is still there.


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## cobra (Mar 31, 2013)

hi there i am new to this site but i really need advice. sorry i have jumped on yourthread but i desperately need advice 

i have been with my partner for 13 yrs we have 3 boys, 14,14 and 9 yrs old.
my husband is so stubborn and he has so many issues that i am sick of ignoring.. i want to split but feel i cant because of my kids.
i feel that i am independant and dont need to be with someone but my kids love my husband although he spends little time with them, doesnt play and has little in common. My 9 yr old is his biological son and he has similar behaviours and thinks the world of his dad. We have a big mortgage and the house we live in is perfect for our kids. I dont want to leave the house as i dont want to unsettle them.
My marriage is not good, were not intimate and we rarely talk, if we do its because i have forced myself to make the effort in a struggle to make things work.
i work full time and my husband is self employed, we are always struggling with money because he struggles with work. I feel let down all the time. He doesnt seem bothered that i borrow money from my family all the time, i mean literally for food and petrol. I feel angry that i have to do this, if it wasnt for the kids i would go without. I dont think its fair they struggle because of my husbands choice in career. 
I cant talk to him about our problems because he gets angry, i have suggested we may need to sell the house and he just shouts. I am on his case but if i dont he just seems happy to be at home. He is not trying hard to find work and he thinks its all going to fall on his lap.
Im 31 yrs old and feel my lovelife is finished, i feel let down all the time, my husband falls asleep on sofa every day between 6-7pm sometimes earlier and he doesnt come to bed untill 3-4am, waking me up which annoys me as i have work and most of the time he doesnt.
I feel he doesnt care how fed up, stressed and lonely i feel. 
He says he wants us to stay together but thats about all he says.
Im so angry because i feel as soon as the boys are old enough im just going to leave, then i will be older and single. Although my husband is crap i worry he will be on his own and he is 15 yrs older than me. I dont want him to be lonely but i just dont want to be with him for the rest of my life
Am i being unfair or shall i do something about this???????

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
please comment


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## carolinahunt (Mar 31, 2013)

cobra said:


> hi there i am new to this site but i really need advice. sorry i have jumped on yourthread but i desperately need advice
> 
> i have been with my partner for 13 yrs we have 3 boys, 14,14 and 9 yrs old.
> my husband is so stubborn and he has so many issues that i am sick of ignoring.. i want to split but feel i cant because of my kids.
> ...


wow ! I understand exactly how you feel....


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