# Help! Hypersexual husband



## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Just to give you guys a lil background, we are in our 40's, and married 7 years with 2 children at home. Hubby has always been the more sexual one. But I find myself lately feeling annoyed at his methods of sexual attention. Every single day he asks for sex or some form of sexual attention. But he asks in the form of groping me(sticking his hands down my pants, grabbing my boobs) or with vulgar talk. Even with our kids nearby he is this way(we live in a small apartment)I'm usually open to sex 2-3 a week but never everyday! If when we have sex he will literally ask when can he get it again or the very next day complain like it's been months when it's only been 24 hours! Lastly, he is a smoker which is a major turn off. Yes, he was a smoker when we met but he smokes way more now(like every few hours). Any advice on how to approach this with him? Am I the one with a problem here?


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

I recently learned a lesson with my DW - those times I tried to be playful and touch her sexually outside of the bedroom she hates. I assumed she would understand I was trying to send the message like “hey, its been a minute and I am in the mood”. She saw it as unwanted advance. Soo does not really answer your question and I don’t smoke. But she expressed these feelings to me and it made me reexamine my motivation for the touching etc....now, its more from a position of “hey, long day?” Insert (hug, hold hands, lite kiss). 

Maybe tell him how his touching makes you feel and that is having the exact opposite effect of his desire.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Candicane28 said:


> Just to give you guys a lil background, we are in our 40's, and married 7 years with 2 children at home. Hubby has always been the more sexual one. But I find myself lately feeling annoyed at his methods of sexual attention. Every single day he asks for sex or some form of sexual attention. But he asks in the form of groping me(sticking his hands down my pants, grabbing my boobs) or with vulgar talk. Even with our kids nearby he is this way(we live in a small apartment)I'm usually open to sex 2-3 a week but never everyday! If when we have sex he will literally ask when can he get it again or the very next day complain like it's been months when it's only been 24 hours! Lastly, he is a smoker which is a major turn off. Yes, he was a smoker when we met but he smokes way more now(like every few hours). Any advice on how to approach this with him? Am I the one with a problem here?


Candace, you posted this about your husband 10 months ago when he lied to you about his using the money in the savings account for his gambling habits. 



Candicane28 said:


> In my opinion, he was a bit relaxed about the money being gone. *Because of his past dealings with drugs, gambling, and addiction* I've racked my brain trying to figure out what he could/would have used the money for. But as I said before, I have no other proof in his behavior or everyday life that would indicate any of those things. He keeps wanting us to go back to our life/relationship as it was before all this came about, which was actually quite happy. Not perfect, but we got along great. I've considered calling his bluff and threatening separation if he doesn't come clean but I'm not sure if that would be too drastic. Not to mention we have our two children together. 😔😭


Could his hypersexuality be connected to his addictive personality?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Candicane 28;

One of the things you need to realize is that you can't change your husbands behavior. Only he can change his behavior. You can assist him by providing him with positive motivation for behaviors you like, but ultimately he must want to change whether it is a smoking addiction or touching you in a way you don't like. If it is too bad, you can always tell him that it is too much and leave/divorce him.

On the other hand, the two of you just might be failing to communicate or he may need to grow up.

I am going to start with a little background about myself and my wife. I was in a sex starved marriage after about 35 years of marriage. One of the things that helped change my understanding of my relationship with my wife was the book by Chapman, the 5 Languages of Love. After reading and studying and finally understanding what Chapman was trying to say, I suddenly understood and that explained a lot to me.

My primary & secondary languages of love are Touch and Words of Affirmation. That is how I want to show love and how I want to feel loved and cherished. My wife's primary and secondary LL are quality time and acts of service.

When I felt close to my wife and wanted to show her how much I loved her I would try to hug her or put a hand on her shoulder or back. She viewed it as constantly pawing at her body to get in her pants. She would move my hand or move away. For me that felt like I was saying "I love you" and she was responding with "go away." It hurt very much.

Similarly, when she did something wonderful, I would complement her. It made me feel good and proud of her and I wanted her to know how much I cherished her and her accomplishments. She would look at me and tell me stop "buttering her up to try to get in her pants." Again, when she said something like that, I felt like an emotional slap in the face.

From her perspective, she liked that I was a well paid professional and worked hard to support our family. However, growing up her mother showed love to her father by always having a hot home-cooked meal ready when he got home from work. That was pattern of act of service she grew up with. Her cooking dinner each night and having it ready when I got home was an expression of her love for me. At the dinner table during the meal she expected to talk and share quality time, again as a way of our expressing love to one another.

If I worked late to get an assignment done without calling her early in the day and warning her, I would arrive home to a ruined dinner or to her and the kids having eaten and the kids being put to bed. In her mind I might have just as well have slapped her in the face as she had expressed love to me, hoped to have me tell her how much I cherished the things she did for me and gotten nothing for her expressions of love.

What we later learned through marriage counseling with that even though we both felt rejected and unloved we were telling each other how much we loved our partner each day of our marriage, but just in the wrong way and wrong languages.

Your situation might be different, but you might want to talk to your H and examine his "groping and pawing" at you from a different perspective. It could be juvenile behavior, it could be he has never properly learned how to touch and arouse you, or he could be a jerk.
You might want to talk to him and indicate how you like to be shown his love for you and what makes you feel cherished and loved, as well as what turns you off.

Finally, smoking is a really addictive problem. You can talk to him about how much it bothers you, how expensive it is, how harmful to his health it is. Ask him if he would like to quite and tell him that if he does you would like to help him in whatever way you can. Most such self help programs involve affirmations, self-hypnosis, alternate nervous habits, and medical assistance. If he wants to quite smoking help him find a program that works for him and then support him and celebrate his day by day victories.

The same may be possible for regaining a healthy view of sex between the two of you. A marriage counselor may help the two of you explore your inner feelings, fears and help you discuss the issues in your marriage.

Then again, it might help you decide you just don't have the desire or energy to put up with his refusal to change himself.

Good luck.


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## Candicane28 (Jul 22, 2019)

Thank you for your thoughtful advice. You made some very good points....I will add that he didn't have the best example of being a romantic husband growing up. His father cheated constantly and fathered 10 children from 8 different women!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

That's not hyper sexual. IMO (I'm pretty consistent at 36 hours since puberty)
But it does beg the question, What is it that attracted you to him? I mean personally, I'm likely to end up back on the market, and if this guy could get married, maybe there is hope.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It all depends on context, OP, I'm with you.

On the frequency topic, as @Mr. Nail alludes to, it's not abnormal for there to be a lot of sexual touching or groping. 

I usually grope my DW a couple times a day, grab her butt. This morning when we woke up she took my hand up to her chest, for a quick grab.

We enjoy each other 4 to 6 times a week, easy.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Candicane28 said:


> Thank you for your thoughtful advice. You made some very good points....I will add that he didn't have the best example of being a romantic husband growing up. His father cheated constantly and fathered 10 children from 8 different women!


You really should get some marriage counseling so that the two of you can talk about what his father did and what the two of you expect from each other in marriage. That will also allow you to bring up the other issues of feeling grouped, etc. with the marriage counselor with a neutral party to help mediate the discussion.

Good luck.


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