# Don't know what to do...



## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

Hi! This is the first time I have ever done this, but I have no one to talk to and I just need some advice. This might be long, so bear with me please. Here's my story...
I have been married for 6 years now, the first 2.5 almost 3 years I was happy with my husband, but when our daughter came into the world things started going downhill. It just seems to be getting worse.
My husband was an over the road truckdriver, up until about 5 months ago. He got off the truck to be home and went to work at his old workplace (he has been there a long time before the trucking, in fact that is where I met him). He always seems to want to go back to this workplace and I can not figure out why, the only thing I can think of is because he is "use" to it or because most of his co-workers are female. My husband before I met him was a "****" I know that is so wrong of me to say, but it's the truth, so you know what he likes from that statement alone. 
I am young, I am in my mid twenties and my husband in his early thirties. I am "cute" (so he says), and I am above average in weight, I also had a child 3 years ago. 
For the past 3-4 months, things have been getting much worse between us. My husband no longer wants to touch me, he won't let me touch him. Every now and again walking by eachother we will give eachother a hug, but that's it. We don't kiss like we use to, we don't "love" on eachother like we use to. None of the stuff a married couple should do. We have no sex life, maybe once a month if that. I love him, I do, but I am not "in love" with him anymore.
I have also started noticing that my husband is very controlling and is mentally and verbally abusive to me. He puts me down all the time and makes fun of some of the stuff I do (and not in a joking way). I have never noticed these things before. My family had been trying to worn me, but I was "blind" I guess. He is always putting my family down and that really bothers me, but I am too afraid of him to say anything.
I have tried talking to him about how I am feeling, but he won't hear of it. He says I'm insane or being insecure and stops listening and stops talking. 
I have no idea what I have done wrong. I have others telling me that they think there is someone else, but I don't know. I can't help , but think he is back to watching to porn, but I haven't looked at the computer to know. We have only one car (it's mine) and sometimes he does take the car to work. When we get our taxes back he is going to get a vehicle, he is begging for one, saying he doesn't like relying on me and my car. 
I have all these thoughts crossing my mind and I don't know what to believe. I have not ever been through this before, so I don't know what to do. I am seriously considering divorce, but I went through that as a child and I don't want my daughter to go through that, but in the mean time her mommy is miserable and very unhappy. I have plenty of places to go and plenty of people who would support me, so that right there is not a problem. 
I will try to get on here as often as I can, but I don't want my husband to get any idea about what is going through my mind. So bear with me on the replies. Thanks everyone for reading this and very letting me get this out.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think it is important that we know why you are afraid of your husband. Does he go into rages and/or throw things? Has he ever been even slightly physical when the two of you are in conflict? If nothing like this, why do you say you are afraid of him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a great book to read, to determine if he is truly abusive, or if you just have a crummy marriage right now. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. You need to read it to know where you stand.

That said, are you sure you are doing everything you should be doing to make HIM feel loved? How many times are you intimate? How many times do you initiate? Do you show him admiration? Do you brag about him to people? Do you give him massages? Do you fix his favorite food? Do you do the fun things he likes to do? Do you have him spend time with his baby by himself?

If you aren't making the effort, neither will he. Women often fall into the trap of replacing their husband with their baby, and it really takes a toll on the man. And if you're not doing your 50%, he really has no reason to listen to you complaining. 

I'm not telling you you're wrong, I'm asking you to make sure you're being fair about this before you make any decisions.


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## ocean2breeze (Feb 5, 2010)

Well I noticed you said he wont let you touch him and he puts you down a lot. Well I think men do that when they are trying to distance themselves from a woman with out actually breaking it off yet. Why would he want to distance himself is a hard question to figure out. Perhaps he is secretly checking out other women he might wanna date. Perhaps he is just going though a ruff time at work. Maybe he has a drinking problem-which usually leads to mental and relationship problems. Either way its his problem and you shouldn't have to pay the price. Its best to try and figure it out or talk to him before making any drastic moves. Like I said he might just be going though a ruff spell. Sounds like he is being a bit of a jerk though so don't blame yourself for anything that is wrong.


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

Sister359, I was physically, mentally and verbally abused as a child by my father and therefore I am afraid of any man, even being near a man makes me nervous. My husband has not ever tried to hurt (pysically), but he does get very angry with me. I have pushed him to see if he would hit me (just testing) and never has. I know that sounds wrong of me, but that is what I do. I need to know my limits with men, all men.
turnera, I have not been that affectionate with him lately. I guess I just figured if he doesn't want me why try, so I just stopped everything. The last few days I have been trying to be more affectionate and he is being more affectioate with me as well, but not like we use to. I don't know, it's kinda hard to explain. I am going to think about your questions though and reconsider everything.
ocean2breeze, I am going to try to figure it out and I will try to talk to him and see how it goes. I want this to work, but if doesn't then why try. 
Gosh how I wish I could read minds, it would make things so much easier, but then again may not be such a good thing after all. 
Thanks to all of you for your help and advice, I have some things I need to do and figure out before I make any decisions. Thanks again, it means so much to me. )


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That affection thing...it'll take a while. Just be consistently loving to him. He'll get it. And reciprocate. Try to put yourself in his shoes. He, too, is feeling unloved. Why should he bend over backwards to please you, if you're not doing the same? See how it works? 

But you're here, getting advice, so guess who has to go first?

A few years ago, I was ready to leave my H. He'd been unaffectionate, critical, ignoring, negative...I'd had enough. I was told that, for the time being, I had to stash away all MY resentment, and focus on him. Making him happy. I was mad! Why should I?! It was all his fault!

I fought that advice for a good year, continued to blame everything on him. Finally, I got it. And started meeting his needs and stopping the things that I knew he didn't like about me. Within a couple months, there was a huge change in his demeanor. He no longer felt hurt, he was more affectionate, stopped criticizing me. 

It was all because HE felt unhappy...basically a vicious circle.

So you have the chance here to change that dance, by focusing on him.

Now, mind you, if you were abused, it's a good bet you may have married an abusive man; we seek out replacements of our parents. I'd still read that book, and watch to see if he responds favorably to your changes. If he doesn't, you may need to reassess who you're married to. But don't go down that road til you've tried fixing your 50%.


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