# BraveNewWorld Journal - Road to Healing



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

So I accidentally deleted the thread I started here regarding my decision to divorce. Bottom line - married for six years to a cheating, lying narcissist who threw me away like garbage once he realized I didn't want to fluff his ego and play his games. He was cheating with someone barely legal from an impoverished country who was easily impressed. Classy, right? :scratchhead:

I helped him build his business and an amazing life. That has all come to an end. Now, I'm starting over to build one for myself. I'm lucky to have amazing family and friends supporting me. Also, I can't tell you how much of a support TAM has been, even when I'm just lurking and learning from other's experiences. Thank you for that. 

The emotions come in strong bursts. One minute I think all men are cheaters (sorry men, I know it's not true - just in a raw place) the next minute I'm fantasizing that one day there will be someone who appreciates me for me. And not for what I can do for them. But I also know that I'm so not ready for that new person - even if they were right at my front door. ::Knock Knock:: Nevermind, that's the pizza guy. 

Feel like a journal could be helpful to my healing process so decided to start one. Last night I dreamed I saw my STBXH (haven't seen him since discovery day) and was so angry I started pushing him. Suddenly, I was in an airplane with tons of turbulence. The plane flipped several times, but then it landed. And I came out ok.

Hopefully this journal will capture the angry bits, the funny bits, the sad bits, and the bits of hope that are my new life. Bravenewworld = Bravenewgirl


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Things I hate about getting a divorce:

-Friends who aren't looped in asking why STBXH is always checking in at bars on facebook and tagging other women
-Emailing STBXH to work on settlement terms to keep the attorney fees down. My stomach clenches every time I see something from him in my inbox. And it's always a cold condescending letter
-The fact STBXH signs all of his emails using his full business signature. Ok, you're a CEO. I get it. Big effing deal
-The fact that sometimes I remember something good about "us." It doesn't make me regret leaving, but it does make me regret what our relationship became. Reminds me of how much promise it had at the start
-The fact his family is treating me like I'm dead. I don't think they blame me, but whoever said blood is thicker than water was correct.

Things I love about getting a divorce:

-FREEDOM!!!! Everything being on my schedule. Tonight I had a cherry coke and fun size bag of M&M's for dinner. It was awesome.
-Weight loss. The divorce diet has been kind to my figure. Despite the occasional candy binge I am looking pretty damn good!
-Focusing on my own work. I've been super productive and applying to fellowships in my field. I was just awarded a full ride to a week long conference! Very exciting after spending all my time doing things for him....or as he told me, for "us." He always took all the credit though.
-Imagining what my life could be. And it's already looking a lot better than what it was.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pizza guys need love too!

Sorry to see you here, but welcome. Sounds like you have good perspective and are dealing well enough. 

Good luck to you.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Geez some days are so effing hard. I had a slip and looked at STBXH's social media. Bad idea. He posted a picture of a hard liquor bottle and juice carton with the caption "breakfast of champions." Also, he posted a close up of some random lady bar fly. 

So finally after much deliberation, I blocked him. We have not talked at all since discovery day. Well there have been a few totally divorce business emails. It's really, really weird. Our marriage ended over the telephone. While he was away on "business" I found the evidence. He didn't even bother to come home and fight for us. 

So, there is regret. And the pain of having absolutely no closure. I sent him a letter and he never wrote back. Am now in 180 mode. It's hard though, 6 weeks in and still feeling so raw it's like someone peeled a layer of my skin off. 

Meanwhile, he has totally adjusted to single life and is out every night picking up chicks at bars. I feel like he never loved me. And that's a hard thing to accept.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Pizza guys need love too!
> 
> Sorry to see you here, but welcome. Sounds like you have good perspective and are dealing well enough.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Thanks Ceegee. Pizza guys always deliver love, cause they bring pizza! 

Some moments are better than others. I am not myself but I am still finding ways to be happy.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I read your thread and I feel for you.

Im strongly considering divorce...Ive been on the fence for a year...getting closer but still have trouble pulling the trigger.

If you thought that you had a good relationship and he just cheated on you out of the blue...then he is a cheater and you did the right thing.

He also is not trying to reconnect with you...that says a lot, apologize, etc...so there is obviously nothing there for you.

Stop discussing anything but business with him.

Im sorry...but clearly there is life after divorce.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> I read your thread and I feel for you.
> 
> Im sorry...but clearly there is life after divorce.


This part is so true. The feeling of hope makes the pain worth it. I did not realize what an emotional drain our relationship was until I got out.

Do you find yourself on the fence because he's willing to change?


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Im the man...Im speaking about wife..

She did change a lot...things that hurt me for years...like overworking when we didnt even need the money....having occasional orgasms while we are together...

But I have a hard time getting over the fact that she cant be sorry for so many of the issues that could have been avoided with more honesty over the years...I want to move on...but I dont think it will change if she cant even see why she hurt me...

I find myself on the fence because I love her, and I could easily be in love with her again, and she insisted that she loved me (until a recent fight where she said she was "done" and didnt love me anymore due to my problems with her driving her away)...

I dont think she has the ability to be intimate and show affection on a consistent basis...I dont even think she wants to spend much time with me even when we were getting along...and certainly had major problems with sex.

Long story short...Im on the fence because

(1) I still love her (although I dont LIKE her and Im trying to not feel in love with her anymore) and respect her for her profession and she is a reasonable mother....not affectionate but good in every other way to our daughter...

(2) She makes a lot of money and our life is comfortable...although Im more than fine without her

(3) Im terrified of further damaging my 13 year old

(4) Because I never felt my wife was truly sexually attracted to me (one reason) I still have self esteem issues and despite lots of IC and compliments I get from people all day about my appearance vs my age and my being physically in shape....Im afraid no other woman will desire me as an intimate partner...

I like to think, Im too short (5 7)...I use that one a lot in my mind to justify thinking I wont be able to find another...

But now that my wife has finally cut off sex, that will likely push me off the fence.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BNW - Your stbx sounds like an adolescent. I think I remember your thread. He was having an EA with a teenaged student, right? And planned a solo trip to her country & when you found out about the A, you busted him over the phone & he didn't immediately come home? I take it he never made it home. And now he's out barhopping and has just wiped your marriage from memory. He reminds me of the boys I knew in HS when they broke up with a girl and moved on - in mad teenage love one day & then completely forgotten the next. 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't doubt at all that you will triumph in the end, though. You're the one with the grown-up smarts and the kind, honest heart.


fetishwife - My brother is 5' 7" tall. Our mother was tiny and she had 4 daughters and one son. Being short for the girls was irrelevant, but for my brother, I suppose, it could have been a problem. He has a beautiful family with a loving wife and I don't think he has ever really been seriously worried about his stature. Nobody I know ever thought anything of it.

You'll find a great woman. They're out there.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Sorry if I threadjacked....

Alte....I know...thanks....its in my head. I need to leave her.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Things I hate about getting a divorce:
> 
> -Friends who aren't looped in asking why STBXH is always checking in at bars on facebook and tagging other women
> -*Emailing STBXH to work on settlement terms to keep the attorney fees down*. My stomach clenches every time I see something from him in my inbox. And it's always a cold condescending letter
> ...


 Anything's better than living with a cheating chronic liar.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Geez some days are so effing hard. I had a slip and looked at STBXH's social media. Bad idea. He posted a picture of a hard liquor bottle and juice carton with the caption "breakfast of champions." Also, he posted a close up of some random lady bar fly.
> 
> So finally after much deliberation, I blocked him. We have not talked at all since discovery day. Well there have been a few totally divorce business emails. It's really, really weird. Our marriage ended over the telephone. While he was away on "business" I found the evidence. He didn't even bother to come home and fight for us.
> 
> ...


Hi BNW -

So sorry you are in this situation, and glad you are here -- you do sound like you are coping amazingly well, despite the inevitable emotional turmoil. 

Beyond "blocking" my STBXH on Facebook, even more liberating was unfriending him, all his family members, and everyone who was more his friend than mine. I was reluctant to do it, because I could not let go and detach -- but detachment is what helps the most with healing, and precisely what I needed to seriously start consciusly and intentionally doing. Consider un-friedning him altogether and purging everyone associated with him -- once I got past fear of letting that connection go, it felt great!

Hang in there, and keep us posted.

Best Wishes, - A12


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> She did change a lot...things that hurt me for years...like overworking when we didnt even need the money
> 
> But I have a hard time getting over the fact that she cant be sorry for so many of the issues that could have been avoided with more honesty over the years...I want to move on...but I dont think it will change if she cant even see why she hurt me...
> 
> I still have self esteem issues....Im afraid no other woman will desire me as an intimate partner...


I can so relate to all of the above. STBXH worked 24/7 and rarely if ever took time off for us to spend together. In 9 years of being together he never surprised me with a weekend trip or overnight in a hotel even though we could easily afford it. He spent all the $$$ on pricey furniture I didn't even like but he would throw a huge fit if I said I didn't want him to buy it. One time he said he wanted us to go away together, then refused to find a pet-sitter for the animals. So I didn't go and he went with a friend. Looking back, I think that was the plan.

The thing that kills me the most regarding honesty - we were in MC while he was having the affair. I felt something was "off" and he agreed to go. He never confessed the affair. That was his chance and he blew it. One of the reasons I was able to make the decision to leave fairly easily. He tried to get us to stop going to MC saying "everything was fine." Around that same time, he also said I was paranoid and jealous because I objected to him taking females out for alone time when he wasn't taking me out anywhere. Looking back, he played me like a fiddle. He was not honest or upfront in MC about any issues. It was a total waste of time. 

Another thing that really bothers me - he told me he regretted that we had so many "problems" when we got married. These problems included my parents getting divorced, and then, the death of two relatives who helped raise me. How could he hold that against me and the (understandable) depression that followed? I fought through it and healed and came out a better/stronger person. 

Lastly - I get the whole low self esteem thing. I gained 40lb during our relationship and my ex made me feel so badly about it. He was indirect, he would never criticize me but would point out people with my body type and say how "gross" they were. He also did not want us hanging out with any people he considered overweight. As I am typing this, it sounds crazy but that is how shallow he was. 

I have lost 15 lbs this year on weight watchers and he never really praised me or encouraged me regarding. I also completed a 5k run while we were married and he went to "cheer" me on and look like the doting husband because other mutual friends were going. In private, he told me he wouldn't go running with me because I ran too slow. Well yea, I am slow, but I finished the damn race! :smthumbup:

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will find me attractive. People tell me I am (hope this doesn't sound conceited) beautiful inside and out. I know I am not a Victoria Secret model but I have a genuine smile and bring good energy. 

Starting to wonder if that's how our ex's keep a hold on us...making us feel as though no one else will want us so we cling to them....


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> BNW - Your stbx sounds like an adolescent. I think I remember your thread. He was having an EA with a teenaged student, right? And planned a solo trip to her country & when you found out about the A, you busted him over the phone & he didn't immediately come home? I take it he never made it home. And now he's out barhopping and has just wiped your marriage from memory. He reminds me of the boys I knew in HS when they broke up with a girl and moved on - in mad teenage love one day & then completely forgotten the next.
> 
> I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't doubt at all that you will triumph in the end, though. You're the one with the grown-up smarts and the kind, honest heart.


Thanks for the kind words Alt. I often find myself nodding in agreement when I read your posts on other threads. Yes, you've got the story down. Have no clue how I deleted the original thread.  

He never made it home until after I moved out. I have not heard his voice since discovery day. You are right about him being an overgrown adolescent. His parents have (I think) been taking care of and assisting him in responding to my settlement emails, along with his lawyer. He can't do much of anything on his own. 

I'd like to think that one day he will realize what he lost. I also realize that might never be case, and even if it was, it's unlikely I would ever know.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi BNW -
> 
> So sorry you are in this situation, and glad you are here -- you do sound like you are coping amazingly well, despite the inevitable emotional turmoil.
> 
> ...


You are very wise A12. I wish I had realized sooner how these reminders of that former life can be major triggers in preventing me from moving forward. STBXH is totally deleted/blocked and I have have upgraded my privacy settings in general. Only those who are close to me and have been there for me are privy to what's going on in my life. 

Originally I was hesitant to delete him from a public social networking account I keep. I rationalized the fact that it was "public" and he could see it anyway. But now, I realize blocking him just sets the right boundaries for us both. If he wants to log out of his account so he can look at it, that's on him. It's not an account where I put personal info, just to show off completed work projects.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Was just reading A12's thread on weekends - they are so hard! Maybe if we'd had kids it would be different because I would be busy with their activities. Have been working 12-14 hour days this entire week so just vegging today. For some reason that makes me feel guilty. And a bit lonely. But I haven't been a total slug, I've completed a few personal work projects and did a light housekeeping. That's a start...I hope. 

One thing I really want to do is get in shape. Now that I am free of STBXH I have the free time. And honestly, I think a lot of my eating was stress related. Has anyone else felt a lot healthier since the break up? I had all of these horrible back pains, headaches, etc. that mysteriously vanished when I moved out. I had no clue how much stress I was under. Sometimes I'll read a thread about someone in limbo trying to save their marriage and it makes me respect their strength. I don't think I could do it after the affair - but I know I'd feel differently if we had children. Besides the furry kind.

Working out, eating healthy, and getting out to meet new people is really excited. All my STBXH wanted to do was go to bars. Now, I don't mind going to a bar 1x a week or so but having that be your only social activity can get boring. Fast. 

Anyone else in the self improvement zone? What new things do you want to try/do now? What keeps you going?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I am definitely in the self improvement zone!! Since I filed, a light bulb came on and I thought this is time for ME now. So much of who I am was crushed when I was married to my NDP/Pyschopath/BiPilar husband. I put on so much weight, I think out of depression and lack of self esteem, and stopped exercising.

2 mths ago when I filed, I joined a gym, started weight watchers and I now go to the gym Fri, Sat & Sun, and Wednesday nights. I have lost 47 lbs from my heaviest and yesterday I went clothes shopping and WOW I'm down 3 sizes. I am starting to look and feel like my OLD self again.

It definitely is helping me feel better and cope better. I really work it at the gym and its is starting to show. I actually changed my eating habits about 6 mths ago and lost about 30 lbs throughout that time, and the extra 17 lbs in the last 2 mths has been due to weight watchers and working out. I have a goal: another 25 lbs and I'll be back to my size 8 pre-marriage size and I'll be satisfied.

Even the STBXH can't keep his eyes of me (or any other good looking woman for that matter - cheater that he is). Every time he sees me he tells my how great I look. Him on the other hand, now hovers around 280lbs and is eating himself into an early grave. 

I suddenly realized all the years he told he I made him depressed and his life sucked because of me - was total BS. He is MORE miserable and depressed than ever and I've been gone for months so it sure as hell wasn't MY fault. I pointed that out to him last week and he accused me of being "cruel". Whatever..

My headaches, constant colds and flus have disappeared. My doc tested my lipids and blood pressure and it is perfect. Way under guidelines. On MY days I don't have my son, I do EXACTLY what I want to do. I work out, clean my house, veg out, read books and listen to MY music and see friends. And I don't have to answer to anyone. I am lonely sometimes too, but I think its better than living with the STBXH any day.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BBT,

So, by your own admission you were 80lbs overweight?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Conrad said:


> BBT,
> 
> So, by your own admission you were 80lbs overweight?


What does that have to do with anything?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bravenewworld said:


> What does that have to do with anything?


Serious question?

We need to bring our "A" game every day.

We owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be - not simply to show anyone else anything.

Being 80 lbs overweight isn't being the best we can be.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

The thing is Conrad - in marriage there will always be challenges. Some are mental, some are emotional, some are physical. 

No one should stop treating their spouse with respect and affection because they gained weight, just as no one should stop treating their spouse with the above if they took a pay cut or lost their job. 

Marriage is tough. And people aren't perfect. Sometimes, everyone needs a safe space to bring their "B" game.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

All too often, we relax... seek the victim chair.. and point fingers.

BBT needs to realize that putting on that kind of weight is unacceptable TO HER. It violates her support of herself.

And, when she's at her best, she'll bring out the best in others.

I do have a question.

Do you think it's respectful to a husband to gain nearly a hundred pounds over the weight you were when he married you?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Conrad said:


> All too often, we relax... seek the victim chair.. and point fingers.
> 
> BBT needs to realize that putting on that kind of weight is unacceptable TO HER. It violates her support of herself.
> 
> ...


I don't think BBT ever clarified her desired weight. She just said she felt better because she lost some. 

People are only in charge of themselves. You can't bring out the best in others. Even if we are both cohabiting, we are each responsible for our own happiness and behavior. To me, that's what character is. 

Well if my husband was on meds for an illness I would never give him a hard time regarding. It sucks but some medicines really cause you to bloat/gain weight. 

If he was overeating and/or being inactive - I would support and join him in a weight loss/fitness program. Most people just want an encouraging buddy to do that stuff with. If a couple can work out pleasantly together it's such a bonding experience.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

We lead by example.

I guarantee you. If we take the easy way out and get reactive and lazy, it brings out the worst in our partners.

Making excuses for ourselves is an invitation for our partners to do the same.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Conrad said:


> We lead by example.
> 
> I guarantee you. If we take the easy way out and get reactive and lazy, it brings out the worst in our partners.
> 
> Making excuses for ourselves is an invitation for our partners to do the same.


So an 80lb weight gain is unacceptable to you. We get it. 

For others, it's not a deal breaker. 

In relationships, every person has a moment when they have to step up and be the hero. Some people step up. And some don't.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bravenewworld said:


> So an 80lb weight gain is unacceptable to you. We get it.
> 
> For others, it's not a deal breaker.
> 
> In relationships, every person has a moment when they have to step up and be the hero. Some people step up. And some don't.


I'm sorry that's how you interpret my remarks.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I'm sorry that's how you interpret my remarks.


Really? If I were you, I'd be sorry I said them.

For reals dude, not cool to personally attack someone actively bettering themselves after a painful breakup.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bravenewworld said:


> Really? If I were you, I'd be sorry I said them.
> 
> For reals dude, not cool to personally attack someone actively bettering themselves after a painful breakup.


I'm sorry you see it that way.

If she thinks future partners will be ok with her putting on 80-100lbs after she marries them, she's mistaken.

She shouldn't be ok with it either.

I'm surprised you are.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> BBT,
> 
> So, by your own admission you were 80lbs overweight?


At one stage I was nearly 70 lbs over my pre-marriage weight. All my fault, mainly due to my STBXH being a buffet lover, demanding huge meals, eating stuff we shouldn't have eaten, being couch potatoes.

I take full responsibility for it, and have lost nearly 2/3 of it. 

At the same time, my STBXH gained nearly 90 lbs over what he was when we got married. It NEVER changed the way I looked at him, desired him or loved him. I guess where I'm different from some is for me I loved him from my heart, for better or worse (well until he got the OW pregnant  that is really way beyond worse.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BBT,

Love yourself enough to not let that happen again.

One of the cruel truths of biology is weight gain for men doesn't affect women the same way it does in reverse.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Conrad said:


> BBT,
> 
> One of the cruel truths of biology is weight gain for men doesn't affect women the same way it does in reverse.


What?? Chubby is chubby. It's not good for either gender. Men don't like to look at thunder thighs the same way women don't like to look at man boobs. And health-wise heart disease is a killer for both genders. 

BBT that's awesome regarding your weight loss. This Monday I do my first "real" workout since discovery day.....


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> All too often, we relax... seek the victim chair.. and point fingers.
> 
> BBT needs to realize that putting on that kind of weight is unacceptable TO HER. It violates her support of herself.
> 
> ...


Well I can guarantee you I never sought the victim chair, nor did I point fingers. I let it happen, I never blamed someone else but it is true our combined lifestyle and habits led to me gaining weight. 

I was in a very, very dark, lonely place in that marriage. My self esteem was shot to hell, I was in daily turmoil and just trying to survive and stay sane was hard enough, and I definitely neglected myself.

Today I am not in turmoil, I don't have to fight to survive and the daily putdowns and evidence of my ex's infidelity are long gone, since I have lived alone for 10 mths without him. I am in a better place mentally and feel like my life is on the right track. I am now taking care of myself and it feels good.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Well I can guarantee you I never sought the victim chair, nor did I point fingers. I let it happen, I never blamed someone else but it is true our combined lifestyle and habits led to me gaining weight.
> 
> I was in a very, very dark, lonely place in that marriage. My self esteem was shot to hell, I was in daily turmoil and just trying to survive and stay sane was hard enough, and I definitely neglected myself.
> 
> Today I am not in turmoil, I don't have to fight to survive and the daily putdowns and evidence of my ex's infidelity are long gone, since I have lived alone for 10 mths without him. I am in a better place mentally and feel like my life is on the right track. I am now taking care of myself and it feels good.


Stay the course girl.

Never go back to that place - for anything and/or for anyone.

Never betray yourself again.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

If I knew then what I knew now about personality disorders, mental illness and manipulative people, I would not even have married him. I would have run the other way fast.

A year of IC and many books on these issues have bought to light things I will look very carefully for next time around, if there is to be a next time around. 

Believe me there were red flags, I was concerned about some things about him and his completely messed up, sick family with kids everywhere, multiple divorces and remarriages to sick abusive people, and I voiced my concerns to friends and my parents. He was SO committed though, he told my parents he never wanted to end up like his family, he loved me with all his heart and wanted a family of his own, etc. I remember one friend telling me "he's different from his family, and you don't marry his family you are marrying him". HA! My therapist said "oh yes you do marry his family and take a long hard look at their lives, mental health and relationships. If they are messed up he is too".

I totally believe her these days.

I will never stay in a relationship with someone like him again and I WILL heed all the red flags and run like hell.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> If I knew then what I knew now about personality disorders, mental illness and manipulative people, I would not even have married him. I would have run the other way fast.
> 
> A year of IC and many books on these issues have bought to light things I will look very carefully for next time around, if there is to be a next time around.
> 
> ...


BBT I agree with everything you wrote and think it's important to run like hell from red (and even some orange) flags but don't be so hard on yourself. 

My STBXH had none of the above in his family, and yet he is a complete sociopath. Not to be like a bad after school special and/or Lifetime movie, but you never know.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Another day, another dollar short. And a fat wet tear running down my face as I write. 

Today I looked at his social media. He loves his new life, he's free from his "dull, gray existence" with me and is now surrounded by women, outings, and bars/alcohol. Meanwhile, I pick up a cheap dinner from the local takeout joint (the days of $$ organic produce are gone now that I'm on my own) and come home to work on projects and relax after a long day at my 9-5 that's more like a 9-9. He works from home and takes two hour naps. What the (blank) is wrong with this picture??!

I get so angry sometimes. I have integrity, honesty, and kindness but I am in turmoil. He's a narcissistic sociopath who's happy as a kid in a candy store. I'm old enough to know life's not fair. But lately it feels downright cruel. 

I wish I could rip out my emotions and stop feeling anything for this cowardly degenerate. 

I deserved a husband who respected me. I got a husband who posted pictures of other girls (interns) all over his instagram and facebook. No images of me. Well, one extremely unflattering one he put up to embarrass me I think. 

I deserved a husband who cherished me. I had one who left me alone on the street at 1am because he wanted to meet up with a female "friend" for her birthday party and I wasn't feeling well/wanted to go home. How did he meet this friend? By escorting her home one night after she left a bar drunk and not feeling well. Apparently this courtesy did not extend to me. 

I deserved a husband, at the very least, who loved me. But my STBXH only loves himself. And if he could see his own reflection in your doe eyes, he might have "loved" you too. How foolish I feel for deeply loving this man. For thinking I was special because he chose me. 

I'm two months out since DDay. I feel like I should be so much further along in the healing process. I'm trying. And I'm hanging in there. But it sure as hell is not easy. 

I'll try to end this on a positive note: Today I took deep breaths. I helped a co-worker with a project. I applied for a fellowship in my field. I sent a small thank you gift to a friend who helped find my (excellent) lawyer. Doing these little things that make me feel good keeps me going......


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi BNW - 

I strongly urge you to stop looking at his social media! If he is still on your "friends" list on Facebook, please "un-friend" him. Peaking into what's going on with him will only perpetuate your suffering and prevent you from detaching. I was given the same advice and it took me forever to finally "un-friend" my STBXH, so I understand it is difficult -- but once I did it, I felt relief and it really did help with detachment.

I hear some anger in your last post, which sounds healthy to me. While we do not want to hold on to the anger forever and allow ourselves to become bitter, some angry feelings are very natural and can help you with detachment.

Good job doing and on taking note of the positives! Hang in there and keep us posted.

Best Regards,- A12


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, please do your best to unfriend him in all things.

You certainly do deserve better. If you could hear me now, you would hear a world-weary, older voice telling you that there is not much new under the sun when it comes to the heart. We all have to live it, though. It's part of the package. If I could be sure that a younger person would take my experience to heart and truly avoid some of the pitfalls of romance and marriage, I would be screaming from the hilltops.

But we do all have to go through it. There are a few things I can absolutely testify to and you can take to the bank, though:

- You are a better human being than your stbxh. This counts for a lot in life. Don't ever let anyone convince you that you are a chump for being a standup human being.

- You will emerge from this both stronger and kinder. Kindness is so important to a rich, fulfilling life.

- You will be able to look back on this and be grateful that you let him go when you did. By closing the door on a rancid marriage, you are opening a window to a much better place for yourself.

These are things I know from experience and also things that younger people seem to be willing to hear and credit. I hope you move forward with at least some comfort that you are a good person who will have better.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Quick update - I had the best day ever yesterday. Went to a really fun after work party. I ate, drank, danced, and was merry. A really hot guy (honestly, out of my league) flirted with me. Of course I bungled my response. Guess I need a little more practice.

Still not even close to being ready to date but a little attention is nice. If you can even believe it (I can't) a second hot guy flirted with me too. Like I said - Best. Day. Ever. 

My self esteem has been in the dumps the past couple of years. STBXH made me feel like I was dumpy/unattractive. So this is a really nice reminder that I am hopefully not a lost cause. Might be nice to cuddle something someday besides my pillow......


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi BNW - 

Great to hear this!!! Go girl! The world is showing you, when you are ready you will indeed have plenty of options -- and surely end up with a big upgrade for the Ex  

Best Wishes, - A12


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Attention from real men! Grown-up men!

Yes, this is your future without your stbx. Hold that thought. It's your new reality. I have no doubt.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

This is all so surreal. After years of hearing I'm too old, not pretty enough, not thin enough, too lazy, don't make enough money, etc. (yes my STBXH told me all of the above) I am now getting a lot of attention from guys. And honestly, good-looking eligible guys that seemed to have been waiting in the wings. Including a friend of STBXH's. Don't worry, not going down that particular road. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm ready to date very, very, casually. Ok, I'll be honest - kind of need a booty call. Cause the physical stuff the last year of our marriage was, um, how to put this politely? Severely lacking seems sufficient.

Now of course I am freaking out like a teenager who has never been on a date. Ten years out of the game has my confidence a bit shot. Need to start working out - I think that will help. Would like to get rid of my tummy tire before anyone actually sees it. 

Also, while I don't want to get validation from opposite sex attention, it is really exciting. Is that a bad thing? I feel like there is some pitfall I'm not seeing. But I have always been overly cautious in life and that didn't get me a great partner....there's something to be said for living in the moment. 

So anyway, after the holiday I want to eat right and work out at least 3x a week. That's doable...I think. Although the couch potato side of me says :rofl:


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Ugh so after a few weeks of feeling pretty dang good, caca hits the fan again. Caca meaning an entire fertilizer store has been dumped in my living room. 

STBXH has now stooped so low as to use our pets as a bargaining chip. Apparently he saw I tweeted at a guy friend "Love you dude!" (fyi brother like guy friend, we grew up together as neighbors, he knows this) and now he wants to clean my clock. I blocked him from Twitter so the fact he saw it is creeping me out big time. He has made sure to tell our mutual friends he's hired more young assistants who all want to sleep with him. Um, great. So why is he wasting his free time trying to hurt me?? 

Just got a new list of settlement terms and he said he is no longer willing to watch our pets despite the extra help I have given him. (Paid for pet sitter to come when he was out of town, supplies, etc.) He knows I can't have pets as I am currently living in a hotel type situation. He said himself my dog is no extra trouble (we are each keeping one pet, very sad) and agreed to watch him until XX date. Suddenly he needs to dog out within the next month. Which is a HUGE burden on my end. 

I try not to hate anybody, but sometimes I really hate him. I have not been on a date, gotten a kiss, or ANYTHING since discovery day. Meanwhile, he was running around with girls the day after I said I was leaving. How dare he have one ounce of anger or jealousy? After all that time treating me like I was worthless and an embarrassment to him apparently no one else is suppose to want me either. I don't understand him at all.

All this led to an AM panic attack. I'm trying to move for a job opportunity in Sept and there's so much coming at me so quickly. Plus he froze me out of the bank accounts so I am really hurting. Just hoping in the end, it will all work out.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Just got a new list of settlement terms and ....


Hi BNW - 

Sorry you are hurting. It does sound like you have an awful lot to cope with, it can get overwhelming, I know. Deeps breathes. As to settlement terms, what is the process of the negotiation, mediation, you both have counsel, or just informal?Presumably you will counter his proposed terms, correct?

Don't get wrapped up in what he is thinking or doing. It's fine to get upset, we all do -- but not to show him any of this emotion. All contact with STBXH is purely business-like, OK? 

Don't let him pull your strings! Go back to valuing your worth and loving yourself. The job oportunity in September sounds promising! Will that be far away or in the same vicinity?

Hang in there, and take care!

Best,- A12


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

First of all, what do you mean with 'he froze me out of the bank accounts'? You have a good lawyer, right?

Second, am I right in recalling that he is pathologically competitive with you? He desperately wants to see himself as more successful?

If so, try to view his reactions to you through that lens. He wants to be succeeding with the opposite sex. You don't get to do that. If you do it, it's a threat to him.

He sounds like the sort of person whose self-esteem relies on knocking down other people (?). You've been that other person for a long time now & no longer have to play that role for him.

From the reaction you are getting from men now, it seems like you may have been the classic victim of his type of personality. He spent so much time making himself feel better by making you feel bad that you long ago started to believe it all. 

Just don't believe it. Start thinking of your self-image before you met him. I'm betting it was realistic and much more positive. That's the 'you' you need to rediscover - only a bit older and a lot wiser.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> I get so angry sometimes. I have integrity, honesty, and kindness but I am in turmoil. He's a narcissistic sociopath who's happy as a kid in a candy store.


FWIW, If he's truly and NPDer, and by your accounts he certainly seems to be, he is not a happy person at all.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Ugh. After a few weeks of (somewhat) normalcy I'm now back to being so stressed I started nail biting, which I haven't done in 5 years. 

Major Stressors: 
- Have 12 weeks to pack up & move cross country
- Cell phone stolen. Of course I forgot to password protect.
-STBXH being extremely difficult on our final divorce term
-Have to get my animals certified to fly cross country. They have never been on a plane. Lord help me.
-Am totally depleting my teeny tiny savings to move
-Have a 2 trips planned during the 12 weeks that I can't get out of
-STBXH refused to let me see our dog recently just to be spiteful. Broke my heart. 

Positives: 
-Being much closer to supportive family and friends after the move
-Will be reunited with pets and can see them whenever I want
-Job situation is not totally worked out (hence nail biting) but seems like it will be a really good opportunity
-In theory, these trips should be fun. It's just the timing that stresses me out.
-We only have one final term and then we can start divorce paperwork

So, so much to do and not nearly enough hours in the day. I don't know how y'all with kids do it. Starting to feel so overwhelmed I almost get dizzy. But I will stay strong, because as of now I'm all I got.........


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi BNW - 

Sorry you are facing some stressful times, but the positives that you list sound like great rewards to look forward to. The move will give you a fresh new start -- I am envious! I often dream of re-locating, but the excellent job and ties to friends keep me rooted here. Hang in there - better days ahead!

Cheers, - A12


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

After reading all this it seems like soon things will really start going your way. A fresh start...new friends...new job...new home. You should be proud of yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One day at a time. Checking things off the list. Mush, you huskies, and all that.

Keep slogging through that list and before you know it, you'll be on the other side and feeling much better. Getting physically away from your stbx will help you get emotionally away from him. (What a putz he is...)

You're doing great!


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi BNW -
> 
> As to settlement terms, what is the process of the negotiation, mediation, you both have counsel, or just informal?Presumably you will counter his proposed terms, correct?
> 
> Don't get wrapped up in what he is thinking or doing. It's fine to get upset, we all do -- but not to show him any of this emotion. All contact with STBXH is purely business-like, OK?


We both have counsel but so far we are negotiating ourselves to keep costs down. My attorney has been great and helped me get almost every term in my favor. The only one left we can't agree on is our debt. He basically ran up the credit card bills like crazy and while he has agreed to pay his own debt he wants to deduct mine from my settlement amount. Which pisses me off because my debt is nothing and would have been paid had he not ran up amounts eight times that on his own. 

I could really go after him and clean his clock but he's not a wealthy man (he sure likes to present himself as one though!) and whatever I got I'd basically pay the attorney fees and have enough left over to possibly get myself an ice cream cone. 

Right now the amount we are apart on the last term is low four figures. Part of me is saying I need to get as much as I can because I am struggling while the other part says I would pay him that amount just to make him go away. Once I found out how much he is in debt I did not ask for an aggressive assessment of the business as it leaves me liable/vulnerable. Technically I am responsible for half of it. 

In addition there was a prenup that states he can't touch the stock portfolio I had prior to the marriage so it's not as if I'm literally destitute. If I knew then what I know now, it would have been an iron clad prenup! My family basically forced me to get it in the first place. My Grandpa has since passed away but clearly he knew best. 

I want to cut my losses, but because his emails are so nasty I also don't want him to feel like he "won." Childish - I know. But he makes me so damn angry with his arrogant, immature, and entitled attitude.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> First of all, what do you mean with 'he froze me out of the bank accounts'? You have a good lawyer, right?
> 
> Second, am I right in recalling that he is pathologically competitive with you? He desperately wants to see himself as more successful?
> 
> ...


Basically he never put my name on his personal and business bank accounts so I have no access to them. I can try and get aggressive with finding out the amounts, but he's in so much debt I'm hesitant to dive into that sinkhole as I don't want to be responsible for it. My attorney has been great but of course is super expensive. I have to weight the pros and cons so I get the most I can without giving it all away to legal fees. 

He is definitely competitive with me. One of the debts he does not want to pay relates to my traveling to a really prestigious event in my field. I think secretly he was furious he could not go. When we were together he even mentioned several times about visiting me while I was there.

I think you are right about him and the opposite sex. On our anniversary he tagged pictures of himself out with other women. So sleazy but he thinks it's "cool." Broke my parents heart to see that on social media. 

Yesterday met up with a friend for coffee (we hadn't seen each other since college) who is a black belt and super attractive. Sort of wished I could do some tagging of my own :smthumbup: - but resisted. I'm not cut from that cloth. And anyway, it was just a cup of coffee and out the door. I'm just not in the headspace to date yet. I think once I totally get STBXH out of my life I will feel more ready. 

You are so right about him needing that. And also that I don't have to be that person anymore. But I've played that part for so long sometimes my automatic response is to read from that script. Thinking I need to push the reset button and start looking at the world with fresh eyes. Advice on how to do that from a place of wisdom sincerely appreciated.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Peeps678 said:


> After reading all this it seems like soon things will really start going your way. A fresh start...new friends...new job...new home. You should be proud of yourself.


Thanks Peeps! I really appreciate your positivity. Right now I feel like I can only see all the obstacles. It's scary to take a big risk. 

A close friend said I need to replace the word "scary" with "exciting" because they are a similar feeling. I thought that was pretty clever! Trying to make my stressed out brain accept that mindset.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Thinking I need to push the reset button and start looking at the world with fresh eyes. Advice on how to do that from a place of wisdom sincerely appreciated.


I'm not a perky or bubbly personality. I'm really more of a practical and 'get it done' type. As I've gotten older I've become much kinder and more compassionate about people and their issues, so my pragmatism is now tempered a lot to accommodate other people's feelings. In general, though, my approach to dealing with life-changing problems is basic and practical.

For me, when I'm faced with a sea change that has been forced upon me, I just decide that I'm forging ahead. I don't have a choice, right? So, I take things one step at a time and plan and focus forward. The alternative is to get stuck and waste precious minutes of a life that goes by way too fast to begin with. I pay special attention to the wonderful people in my life whom I love and who love me back. I tell myself not to take any of this for granted.

So, that's my wisdom, such as it is. Make a plan. One foot in front of the other. Reach out to people. Value every minute.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Been MIA for a bit - life has been a whirlwind. Today is my first couch + netflix day in a while. It feels SOOO good. Divorcing my pos ex has been mentally, physically, and emotionally draining to a degree I could not even have imagined when it started. That said, I am still in one piece and thankful for the decision I made. Seriously, no regrets besides the time I wasted being by his side. 

Picked up the pets from my ex (he was not home thank god) and while they obviously were fed, they were less cared for then I would have liked. It was like they had so little interaction with a person they forgot how to play! But the good news is they are with me now and I can get back to spoiling them with lots of play time and affection. It hurt my heart as I always thought he would take really good care of them. Another sign he is not the man I thought him to be. 

Settlement is moving slowly. We've agreed but apparently he did not pay his lawyer's retainer so it's taken forever to get the paperwork going. While he cannot afford to pay his attorney, I heard via the friend grapevine he has spent 45k on expanding a division of his business. Yes, this is the same man who held up the settlement because I didn't "deserve" the term that would have allowed me an extra few thousand dollars. He's such a POS. He's also running all over town spending lots of money on young girls, taking them to museum benefits and such where he knows they will be photographed for the local paper. His smug "look at me, I'm so cool" expression makes me sick. I wish I didn't care, but sometimes I do. I got an envelope from him with some paperwork and just seeing his handwriting started working my ulcer. We have still not seen each other nor spoken since Dday. I doubt we ever will. 

On the positive side I've been doing therapy, going out with friends, and taking time just to breathe whenever possible. I signed a lease on a new apartment for my cross country move and am leaving town in a few weeks. I don't have a job out there yet but I am following my dreams. It's a roll of the dice and after all I've been through I guess I've decided to go for it. Why the hell not? Can't hurt any worse than it already does. 

Everything is pretty much set up but I of course am procrastinating getting my stuff shipped out. Between working ten hour days plus dealing with the divorce and selling my property out here feeling stressed and overwhelmed. It's almost like a stress fog where all I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I can't concentrate enough to focus any further ahead than that. 

Regarding romance - I spend a lot of time thinking about it. A LOT. But I'm so not ready. So I download cheesy novels for my kindle and try to imagine going on a proper date. Is it weird it's horrifyingly awkward even in my imagination? 

I'm trying to brave, to be the girl I was before I met him - albeit slightly wiser. Because at this point, my dreams and hopes are all I have left.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Been MIA for a bit - life has been a whirlwind. Today is my first couch + netflix day in a while. It feels SOOO good. Divorcing my pos ex has been mentally, physically, and emotionally draining to a degree I could not even have imagined when it started. That said, I am still in one piece and thankful for the decision I made. Seriously, no regrets besides the time I wasted being by his side.
> 
> Picked up the pets from my ex (he was not home thank god) and while they obviously were fed, they were less cared for then I would have liked. It was like they had so little interaction with a person they forgot how to play! But the good news is they are with me now and I can get back to spoiling them with lots of play time and affection. It hurt my heart as I always thought he would take really good care of them. Another sign he is not the man I thought him to be.
> 
> ...


The part I bolded - my ex does this too and yes it pisses me off too. I know how you feel. I wish I didn't care also, but him being such a smug holier-than-thou azzhole he is, it gets my blood boiling sometimes.

uugghh...

I'm glad to hear everything is coming together for you. You sound like you're in a good place  Good for you! I'm a few steps behind you, sister!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi BNW -

Good to hear your update. Right there with you, sista, on the romance front. I don't pine for my XH and the lost love so much anymore, but my heart just isn't into dating and I can't fathom falling in love again. Hopefully that will change, because I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life - LOL!

Take care and hang in there!

Best,- A12


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you're doing really well. Time goes SO fast, even though it may not seem like it right this very minute. Before you know it, he will be a very dim memory. This probably sounds like cheerleading, but it's based on reality. You sound like a woman of substance & your stbxh is not a man of substance. You were a mismatch & he will go on to lead a life of little substance, while you will build something more meaningful. As that happens, the memory of him will be odd to you because your new life will have literally no place in it for someone like him.

My prediction.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but for me the holiday season was ROUGH. I felt raw. Like an onion, a layer of my skin had been peeled off and I was exposed. I didn't take time for myself, didn't step back when I needed to. I was surrounded by cuddling couples, laughing families, new babies. And there I was - small and broken. A misfit toy who somehow escaped from the island. 

A week before Christmas I found out my ex was in town with his new girlfriend. Christmas eve - the signed divorce papers were on my front porch. All this time I thought his attorney filed them with the court so this was quite the shock. Turns out he did not want to file unless HE could be the plaintiff and divorce me. Petty. Petty. Petty. 

Full confession - I had a total and complete breakdown which culminated in me crying in the Best Buy parking lot, pounding the steering wheel while sobbing how I married a bad person because I am a bad person and I deserve his poor treatment. I was wheezing and sobbing so hard I almost vomited. It was the first time I have cried since the first week after discovering ex's affair. I've held so much in, and apparently, my holiday gift was release. A painful, painful, release. 

I was a bit of a monster - soft spoken, sulky, tired. But my family and friends loved and supported me anyway. God bless them. Christmas Day I came down with tonsillitis. I didn't go to the doctor until 4 days later because I was convinced "it was all in my head." I was bred to be strong, to withstand anything. But I'm learning being strong is knowing when to be vulnerable too. Strength is letting things out so you can move on. Let go or get dragged..... 

The New Year is not off to a bad start. I attended my Weight Watcher's meeting, registered for a few college classes, and got a much needed haircut. I got my nails done too. When I wiggle my fingers, they sparkle. 

Last night I dreamed I saw ex and his parents and got to ask them the questions I needed to. They said they had loved me very much. There was closure. In real life, I will never get that. But if felt like the start of something big - a shift within myself. They piled into a car and I watched them drive away. 

2013 you were the hardest year of my life, but also the year where I learned and grew the most. 

2014, I am ready.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Time goes SO fast, even though it may not seem like it right this very minute. Before you know it, he will be a very dim memory. This probably sounds like cheerleading, but it's based on reality. You sound like a woman of substance & your stbxh is not a man of substance. You were a mismatch & he will go on to lead a life of little substance, while you will build something more meaningful. As that happens, the memory of him will be odd to you because your new life will have literally no place in it for someone like him.
> 
> My prediction.


I hold this in my heart and re-read as I need to. It is in my (metaphoric) hope chest.


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