# Must Read: First Serious Post-D Relationship - Breaks Up After Cancer Surgery



## Kerosene Hat

Hey Everyone,

I haven't been on here in awhile but wanted to share a bit about the demise of my first serious relationship after divorce. We met on Match and started dating just shortly after my dad had passed away and my D was final. After a few months, we agreed it was serious and started spending more time together. Along the way, many red flags were ignored (basically - saccharine sweetness and thoughtfulness that belied a prodigious temper, stomping away on our 4th date when I made a social faux pas and telling me to "***** off and not call her again", always having to be "on", hyper-sensitivity to small things, hidden cues/invisible messages, not talking about what bothers her, etc.), culminating in my new GF who "loved" me breaking up one week after I had cancer surgery to remove a testicle (diagnosed 3 weeks before the breakup - a real fast mover). 

Stated reasons for argument/breakup? 

My mom was out to get her (a threat) and was mean (highly doubtful; awkward at best), the roses I asked my mom to buy for her on our one year first date anniversary (which was the day after my surgery) weren't good enough, and then I didn't call her early enough 2 days after said anniversary on her birthday (she pulled back, didn't really talk and only visited me for a total of a couple of hours the 2 days after surgery and didn't stay over with me as she has done every other weekend for 8 months). 

She also refused to tell me why she was distant and not present in my immediate post-op days, saying she would only talk to me about it after my mom left town (visiting Atlanta from Orlando for my surgery and immediate post-op recovery). 

Final stated reasons were political differences and the fact that I occasionally use MJ recreationally (both of these differences were made clear on our second date) and I wasn't as ambitious as she is (she is dead set to make 250K a year in the next 5 years; I like not working every weekend and my software sales job). 

Not once did she say she was freaked out by cancer, etc. 

The flowers/one year date anniversary thing and the mom issue caused me some heartache...after a week of awkwardness, I brought the issue up...long discussion/argument, culminating in her identifying 3 issues that she had a problem with (Mom, Anniversary/Flowers, Birthday phone call). I confirmed this and added a 4th issue, "cancer and surgery" and asked if I didn't get a pass on a perfect anniversary when I was diagnosed with cancer and facing the removal of a testicle. 

It bears mentioning that she got me 3 mylar "Get Well" balloons and a single card for the anniversary, so there's a clear double standard. 

Twice during my pre and post op time, I mentioned that it seemed like she didn't love me for who I am - I needed to make more money (I have a six figure sales job and have saved a good amount for retirement) or have a bigger job title, or what have you...and she would only say, "Good things are going to happen for you", NOT "I love you for who you are and we will succeed together/the money will come, etc." 

I also pointed out that I spent more emotional energy wondering why she wouldn't talk/visit/care for me rather than processing the loss of my freakin' testicle. WTH? Not a peep about this, not "I'm sorry", or "I could have called", or "That must have been tough" - she "made a decision with the data I had available and that's that". 

Two days later, she said we were "at an impasse", then we got dinner to talk. After a 2 hr dinner, she announced she didn't want to see me anymore. Along the way, the claws came out about my mom twice, despite the fact that now-ex-GF had decided to break up with me the night before - why go after my mom then, unless you are a cold-hearted witch? 

Oh, to top it off, she wore the nice ($400) earrings I bought her at Christmas and cried at the breakup but didn't say she was sorry I had to face recovery on my own or anything - it's more like she was sad about what SHE was losing, rather than what she was doing. Weird.

Anyway - I know I'm better off, but now I'm recovering from a very scary ordeal and lost what I thought was a key support pillar for me...when in reality, the support pillar had to have it be "about her", unable to deal with being another female in the mix while her BF (not me; note the possessiveness) went through surgery. 

She always seemed really impressed with herself that she worked in "Finance" (capital F) and had saved a bunch of money (I found out about the trust fund just a couple weeks ago) and enjoyed the finer things in life. 

Ugh - thanks for reading/commenting/listening on this one and it's good to be back at TAM. 

What do y'all say - try to get back to the girl who broke up with you after cancer surgery (but, you know, it's not because of cancer, it's because we're incompatible after dating/knowing these things about each other for a year) or just shrug the shoulders and soldier on? 

My mind is on the latter - I have a physical scar that needs healing and I feel like this ***** has now given me some emotional ones as well (what the heck does "I love you" mean, if you aren't there when it's most difficult?).


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## Lloyd Dobler

Kerosene Hat said:


> Hey Everyone,
> 
> I haven't been on here in awhile but wanted to share a bit about the demise of my first serious relationship after divorce. We met on Match and started dating just shortly after my dad had passed away and my D was final. After a few months, we agreed it was serious and started spending more time together. Along the way, many red flags were ignored (basically - saccharine sweetness and thoughtfulness that belied a prodigious temper, stomping away on our 4th date when I made a social faux pas and telling me to "***** off and not call her again", always having to be "on", hyper-sensitivity to small things, hidden cues/invisible messages, not talking about what bothers her, etc.), culminating in my new GF who "loved" me breaking up one week after I had cancer surgery to remove a testicle (diagnosed 3 weeks before the breakup - a real fast mover).
> 
> Stated reasons for argument/breakup?
> 
> My mom was out to get her (a threat) and was mean (highly doubtful; awkward at best), the roses I asked my mom to buy for her on our one year first date anniversary (which was the day after my surgery) weren't good enough, and then I didn't call her early enough 2 days after said anniversary on her birthday (she pulled back, didn't really talk and only visited me for a total of a couple of hours the 2 days after surgery and didn't stay over with me as she has done every other weekend for 8 months).
> 
> She also refused to tell me why she was distant and not present in my immediate post-op days, saying she would only talk to me about it after my mom left town (visiting Atlanta from Orlando for my surgery and immediate post-op recovery).
> 
> Final stated reasons were political differences and the fact that I occasionally use MJ recreationally (both of these differences were made clear on our second date) and I wasn't as ambitious as she is (she is dead set to make 250K a year in the next 5 years; I like not working every weekend and my software sales job).
> 
> Not once did she say she was freaked out by cancer, etc.
> 
> The flowers/one year date anniversary thing and the mom issue caused me some heartache...after a week of awkwardness, I brought the issue up...long discussion/argument, culminating in her identifying 3 issues that she had a problem with (Mom, Anniversary/Flowers, Birthday phone call). I confirmed this and added a 4th issue, "cancer and surgery" and asked if I didn't get a pass on a perfect anniversary when I was diagnosed with cancer and facing the removal of a testicle.
> 
> It bears mentioning that she got me 3 mylar "Get Well" balloons and a single card for the anniversary, so there's a clear double standard.
> 
> Twice during my pre and post op time, I mentioned that it seemed like she didn't love me for who I am - I needed to make more money (I have a six figure sales job and have saved a good amount for retirement) or have a bigger job title, or what have you...and she would only say, "Good things are going to happen for you", NOT "I love you for who you are and we will succeed together/the money will come, etc."
> 
> I also pointed out that I spent more emotional energy wondering why she wouldn't talk/visit/care for me rather than processing the loss of my freakin' testicle. WTH? Not a peep about this, not "I'm sorry", or "I could have called", or "That must have been tough" - she "made a decision with the data I had available and that's that".
> 
> Two days later, she said we were "at an impasse", then we got dinner to talk. After a 2 hr dinner, she announced she didn't want to see me anymore. Along the way, the claws came out about my mom twice, despite the fact that now-ex-GF had decided to break up with me the night before - why go after my mom then, unless you are a cold-hearted witch?
> 
> Oh, to top it off, she wore the nice ($400) earrings I bought her at Christmas and cried at the breakup but didn't say she was sorry I had to face recovery on my own or anything - it's more like she was sad about what SHE was losing, rather than what she was doing. Weird.
> 
> Anyway - I know I'm better off, but now I'm recovering from a very scary ordeal and lost what I thought was a key support pillar for me...when in reality, the support pillar had to have it be "about her", unable to deal with being another female in the mix while her BF (not me; note the possessiveness) went through surgery.
> 
> She always seemed really impressed with herself that she worked in "Finance" (capital F) and had saved a bunch of money (I found out about the trust fund just a couple weeks ago) and enjoyed the finer things in life.
> 
> Ugh - thanks for reading/commenting/listening on this one and it's good to be back at TAM.
> 
> What do y'all say - try to get back to the girl who broke up with you after cancer surgery (but, you know, it's not because of cancer, it's because we're incompatible after dating/knowing these things about each other for a year) or just shrug the shoulders and soldier on?
> 
> My mind is on the latter - I have a physical scar that needs healing and I feel like this ***** has now given me some emotional ones as well (what the heck does "I love you" mean, if you aren't there when it's most difficult?).


Geez, I'm sorry you lost one of your support pillars during your ordeal, but it sounds to me like you're better off without that one. Best of luck moving on from her and in your recovery from your cancer surgery.


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## happy as a clam

Ugh... she sounds like a nut job.

I'm sorry it didn't work out (she's not who you thought she was) but be thankful this all played out like it has... you've probably save yourself from years of torturous mind games, her self-centeredness, and endless drama. And during your post-surgery/cancer recovery, the last thing you need is added stress from her. Focus on healing and getting well.

Time to toss this one back.

Also, I would send her a text and ask her to mail your $400 earrings back to you. Then take them to a pawn shop or put them up for sale on ebay.


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## LongWalk

Sorry about the lost testicle. Forget about her.


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## EnjoliWoman

Yeah, if I were you I'd miss the testicle more than her. 

The right woman would dote on you, care about you, go to appointments, never complain about roses (that you arranged from the hospital!) and reassure you about your recovery.

While I think financial security is important, it shouldn't come before the people in one's life. 

Onward and upward!


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## Kerosene Hat

happy as a clam said:


> Ugh... she sounds like a nut job.
> 
> I'm sorry it didn't work out (she's not who you thought she was) but be thankful this all played out like it has... you've probably save yourself from years of torturous mind games, her self-centeredness, and endless drama. And during your post-surgery/cancer recovery, the last thing you need is added stress from her. Focus on healing and getting well.
> 
> Time to toss this one back.
> 
> Also, I would send her a text and ask her to mail your $400 earrings back to you. Then take them to a pawn shop or put them up for sale on ebay.


Haha, that was my first thought - "Toss it back." Seriously, I knew she had issues w/ other women (first time she mentioned her younger brother's gf, it was "that b****" - yow), but withholding affection just because I chose to invite my mom into town to be there for/after surgery (I couldn't imagine having a kid and not being there for them in such a situation) and then getting stuck on the stupid flowers was it...the icing on the cake was when she came in for an abbreviated visit and wouldn't stay overnight (my assumption, which she did frequently) and refused to tell me why she was upset. Uh, yeah. Because that makes sense. 

She was more upset about the stinking flowers than she was about the fact that I spent more mental energy wondering what she was mad about (which I have done way too much) than thinking about losing my nut and what that meant to me. The second morning after the breakup, I noticed my resting heart rate was down by about 10 beats per minute - not a bad indication of the removal of stress I've just received. 

I now have a better idea of what I want - balance in work/life and a partner...someone who shares interests with me...and someone who will care for me when I need it most, not put their petty interests and baggage at the front of the train. 

Thanks everyone for reading and listening!


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow....sorry, but she sounds like a real b!tch and you should be GLAD to be rid of her. Now you can find a GOOD woman!


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## Kerosene Hat

Thanks, everyone. I'll tell you, having gone through a divorce makes this one so much easier to say goodbye to.


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## Baseballmom6

I'm really sorry that she wasn't there for you. At least you now know she wasn't a pillar after all. I am glad your Mom was there for you and I think most women would feel the same. It sounds like the GF wasn't sensitive to your surgery so she wouldn't have been much help in the physical and emotional recovery you are and will be going through. 

I just want to say though that my last boyfriend (1st one after my divorce) also had a testicle removed which he was very sensitive about. It, however, was never a problem for me and didn't affect his performance at all. I know it worried him and I am sure that worries you somewhat so try not to let that get in your head. 

I hope your recovery goes well.


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## Kerosene Hat

Baseballmom6 said:


> I just want to say though that my last boyfriend (1st one after my divorce) also had a testicle removed which he was very sensitive about. It, however, was never a problem for me and didn't affect his performance at all. I know it worried him and I am sure that worries you somewhat so try not to let that get in your head.
> 
> I hope your recovery goes well.


That's good to know, thank you. Plus, I went for the prosthetic (which is different than the real deal). 

My new writing implement is here.


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## COguy

So you ignored red flags, put your D in crazy, and now you want to understand why?

Don't waste your energy...

Figure out why you were being dumb, and try harder next time. Don't ignore red flags, and figure out why you'd stick it out with someone that would disrespect you like that (hint: you're a doormat).


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## LongWalk

By the way, what happened to your old meme?


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## Kerosene Hat

LongWalk said:


> By the way, what happened to your old meme?


@LongWalk - not sure if that was for me (or if I had an old meme), but I appreciate your comment - can you explain? 

@CO - yep, ignored red flags, yep was a doormat. Guess I was a sucker for someone who said they loved me and I wanted to make something work with someone who 'loved' me. 

She sure had 'interesting' ways of showing it...bringing in topics not remotely related to an issue. 

Read some examples for a good laugh: 


She left work early for me to visit, then I had to cancel at the last minute - so, why not try to make me feel guilty b/c she 'has done so much [sexually] with me'; 

On the 4th date, we were leaving a bar and a douchey client grabs my arm and starts talking to me - when I can't get out of the conversation immediately, why not storm out of the restaurant and yell at me, 'don't ever f__ call me again' b/c I didn't introduce her to this guy fast enough (and I was trying to get away to go be with her); 

She has bags from a trip that are unpacked for a month due to busy schedules - so, why not say 'my life feels like it's out of control'; 

Blaming me for her anger not making it to the office ON SUNDAY to be a good worker bee and show her colleagues how hard she works...because we spent Sunday morning fooling around, eating breakfast and walking my dog (clearly, these activities should NEVER take place on Sunday, lest they interfere with valuable 'office time') 

We go to my very good friends' house for the first time (husband is partner in law firm and wife is an executive) - next day, she thinks the wife (who happens to be black) rifled through her purse - what????

 Hated to say the words, "I'm sorry" - it was almost always, "I wasn't my best self..." Huh? 

 And so on...

Sigh...Time for some time off. Not going to force the next one. My ex-wife was happy go lucky, without a penny to her name (very slight exaggeration)...ex-GF was the opposite - hyper-focused on the future, with no sense of 'now' or ability to truly enjoy life and connect. I wanted the opposite of my ex-wife, and I sure got it - be careful what you ask for, I guess.


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## Pluto2

Yikes,
This should stand as a reminder not to ignore the red flags that pop up in life. You really can trust your instincts, you won't let yourself down.

As for what its worth, I've known three men who have had a testicle removed and none have had any problems or recurrence. Best of luck to you.


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## SamuraiJack

Sorry you had to go through this.

It really sounds like you dodged a bullet with this one.


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## GTdad

Kerosene Hat said:


> That's good to know, thank you. Plus, I went for the prosthetic (which is different than the real deal).
> 
> My new writing implement is here.


Haha! Man, if you can joke about THIS, you can deal with losing this terrible woman. :smthumbup:


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## Kerosene Hat

GTdad said:


> Haha! Man, if you can joke about THIS, you can deal with losing this terrible woman. :smthumbup:


Thanks, GTDad! I assume you may also be local to Atlanta?

Yeah, I have plenty of material about TC. New favorite song? "Creep" by Stone Temple Pilots ("I'm half the man I used to be...") , and so on. My friends have been very helpful in this regard.


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## LongWalk

You had profile picture, didn't you? It wasn't you but some humorous photo.


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## Chuck71

Her actions were a sneak preview to what was to come. My guess is she seduced

you into the relationship under false pretenses. Slowly her real mask came off.

Just went through one of those myself.... For her to have a trust fund and

heII bent on 250k.... she is an addict.... not to drugs but money.

The most miserable and greedy people I know, almost all are in the top 5%

income bracket. What did your mom think of her? Could it have been the fact

your mom saw through her BS and would have "mentioned it" to you?


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## toonaive

Chuck71 said:


> Her actions were a sneak preview to what was to come. My guess is she seduced
> 
> you into the relationship under false pretenses. Slowly her real mask came off.
> 
> Just went through one of those myself.... For her to have a trust fund and
> 
> heII bent on 250k.... she is an addict.... not to drugs but money.
> 
> The most miserable and greedy people I know, almost all are in the top 5%
> 
> income bracket. What did your mom think of her? Could it have been the fact
> 
> your mom saw through her BS and would have "mentioned it" to you?


Yea, you dodged a bullet with this person.


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## Kerosene Hat

Chuck71 said:


> Her actions were a sneak preview to what was to come. My guess is she seduced
> 
> you into the relationship under false pretenses. Slowly her real mask came off.
> 
> Just went through one of those myself.... For her to have a trust fund and
> 
> heII bent on 250k.... she is an addict.... not to drugs but money.
> 
> The most miserable and greedy people I know, almost all are in the top 5%
> 
> income bracket. What did your mom think of her? Could it have been the fact
> 
> your mom saw through her BS and would have "mentioned it" to you?


Yeah, she is totally addicted to money. Almost everything we did with her 'friends' had a networking angle and had to be 'proper'...weird. And the funny thing is, I enjoy making good money and am in year 2 of a career switch (back office to sales in a totally new industry)...yeah, I want to make 250K if I can, bc sure that'd be great. But I'm not failure if I don't make that much. And I'm pretty sure she did the math and saw a liability with my health. For someone who claims to want kids, she could stand to learn a thing or three about what "unconditional love" should be about. 

And good question about my mom - she was a staunch supporter of the ex-gf and thought the world of her...til she stopped visiting me after cancer surgery. Totally dodged a bullet. 

Then, I found out about a little app called Hinge. It occupies a space between Tinder and Match, and let's just say that it's easy to meet women who want to enjoy themselves. Why, though, if I see several women a few weeks later, do I still end up thinking about the witch who dumped me after cancer surgery? Argh.

Still, though - bullet dodged. The crazy mask fell off, indeed.


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## Chuck71

Say a prayer for the poor guy she hooks..... has that mask on, has four kids

and unveils her true self and D him and wants all his money. I'm sure there

will be some sad sack guy posting her in about 12 years talking about the 

witch that you........... luckily avoided. I don't care how pretty her snatch is 

or how firm those breasts are..... they're poisoned people. AVOID!!!

I'm probably old enough to be your dad (43) and when I was your age.... I dated

a girl just like yours. Yes...... pop warned me about them too


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## Kerosene Hat

Chuck71 said:


> Say a prayer for the poor guy she hooks..... has that mask on, has four kids
> 
> and unveils her true self and D him and wants all his money. I'm sure there will be some sad sack guy posting her in about 12 years talking about the witch that you........... luckily avoided.


Yeah, she NEEDS some guy who makes as much as she does and is a malleable sock puppet...does what she wants, when she wants, for her. When she made my cancer surgery about her, that's when I knew she had to go. But why is it when we get lucky and dodge that bullet, we still kind of wish we'd been hit by that bullet sometimes? :scratchhead: At least knowing that those thoughts are the definition of insanity helps. 



Chuck71 said:


> I don't care how pretty her snatch is or how firm those breasts are..... they're poisoned people. AVOID!!!
> 
> I'm probably old enough to be your dad (43) and when I was your age.... I dated a girl just like yours. Yes...... pop warned me about them too


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

Oh, man...SO MUCH KNOWLEDGE in this part...how did you know, Chuck, how did you know? And you even got the details right...  I wish my pop had warned me, too...

How does that song "Next Girl" by The Black Keys song go? 


A beautiful face 
And a wicked way 
And I'm paying for her 
Beautiful face every day
All that work 
Over so much time If I think too hard 
I might lose my mind

My next girl 
Will be nothing like my ex girl 
I made mistakes back then 
I'll never do it again 
With my next girl 
She'll be nothing like my ex girl 
That was a painful dance 
Now I got a second chance


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## Chuck71

She was as addictive as cocaine..... if you let yourself fall..... 

which I did. Granted we met back in the late 1980's. She had a 

very abusive childhood and was running when we met. After the 

break-up, she ran to the first guy and married him. A year and a half

later, we met by chance and all she wanted to do was sleep with

me..... to capture the "old high." She tried several times to re-enter my life

and.... to a degree, I will always be a friend to her, she was my

first true love. After my break-up with UG back in the Fall, she sensed 

a chance to recapture what we had. She filed for D with her 2nd hubby.

She clearly stated she wants a return to the "late 80s" but....she is still

running, as she did 25 years ago. We did get intimate but it verified

the fact...... what we had 25 years ago.....will not be repeated.

She is no longer as addictive as cocaine.... she is as addictive as......

a pot pie (I detest pot pies)


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## EleGirl

Today there was a spam post on this thread. Another MOD deleted that post. But before he could complete the deletion someone quoted the spam post to make a smart a$$ remark about the spam. So then I came along and deleted by quoting post.

Please DO NOT QUOTE SPAM POSTS. All you are doing is helping the spammer get their info out there. And you are making it so that mods have to take our time to delete your post that quotes the spam.

Instead just report the spam and a mod will delete it.


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## LongWalk

Merry Christmas, KH, Chuck and Ele


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