# Don't want to be a step mother



## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

I've been married to my husband 2+ years.And we've known eachother for about 7+ years.And we dated a year+ before we got married. He has a son which is eleven now. About three years ago, when i was dating my husband. I watched his son for the entire summer because i was out of work at the time.This is not something that i was thrilled about doing, but i did it for my husband which was my boyfriend at the time.I don't have any children of my own and i don't want any because i simply don't want the responsibility.My husband has a problem with me not wanting to treat him like a stepmother should.Don't get me wrong, i get along with his son.But io don'nt want to be a mother in any form/sense of the word.I enjoy my freedom too much.Maybe my husband and i should have really discussed this issue before we got married, and maybe we wouldn't have gotton married. Idk. But i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it. Not to sound selfish or anything... but i will watch hinm sometimes if i want to.But i feel i have the choice to say yay or nay to watching him.Like i said before i don't want the responsibilty. Let me know what you think.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do I think? I think you shouldn't have married a man with children if you didn't want to be a step-mom. And I think he shouldn't have married a woman who didn't want to be a step-mom if he expected her to help parent his child.

So how does that help you now?

C


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't know what to tell you other than when you marry someone who has children, you have to accept them as part of your life, it's a package deal. Not to have expected that is naive at best. I think you need to make the best of this situation and accept this as part of your responsibilities to you husband. It's not like you didn't know this. You said you didn't want to sound selfish, but you are coming off as 1,000% selfish. (And I say that as a step-son)


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## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks so much!Well i totally agree with you.Guess we'll have to really discuss this issue with eachother and decide if we really need to be together or not.


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## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks so much! And youre right.But i cant help that i dont want the responsibility of children,im saying that to the selfish part.But maybe i made a mistake. but im in this now , so IDK.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Myself said:


> Thanks so much!Well i totally agree with you.Guess we'll have to really discuss this issue with eachother and decide if we really need to be together or not.





Myself said:


> Thanks so much! And youre right.But i cant help that i dont want the responsibility of children,im saying that to the selfish part.But maybe i made a mistake. but im in this now , so IDK.


I don't know which one of these posts you really wanted to post but all I can say is: WOW!


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Myself, I understand how you feel. I don't think it is selfish to not want kids or to be a step-mom. Not everyone wants kids, contrary to what some people think. 

You should have discussed this before you married, though. You will have to discuss it now and it might be that you and your husband can't be together. You need to be honest with him and yourself. If you don't want to be a step-mom, then your husband might not be rightfor you.

When I was dating, one of my requirements was no young children (only teens or adult children). I have a grown child, and I didn't want to parent again. I was called selfish all the time. It really aggravated me because we all have the right to decide what makes us happy. I didn't want the responsibility of another child. I wanted to further my career, and I just like having the freedom to travel etc. Some people must think people don't have the right to want something different
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

You should have thought about all of this before you married. It wasn't like his children appeared out of thin air after your wedding, was it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Wanting to be a step-parent or not doesn't seem selfish to me. Wanting to change things after the fact seems foolish and self-centered. 

You may want to combine or at least provide links between your threads. It may help people get a better understanding of your relationship dynamic. And as I asked in your other thread... How old are the two of you, and how long did you date prior to getting married?

C


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

The child is eleven now, not an infant or toddler so exactly what is required that is so overwhelming? Is the child high maintenance? Isn't your husband doing most of the parenting? If the child is already eleven he shouldn't need constant supervision, and in a few short years you'll hardly see him at all. Do you just not like being around kids at all? If he's eleven you really only have a few years left of daily parenting, is it worth throwing away your marriage for a temporary problem? I guess I would like more info into why the child is so much work at eleven, by then they are usually pretty self-sufficient. Unless the child is a complete nightmare I would do the best I could if I loved my husband.


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

Sorry you feel like that. If I got a divorce and met someone else I wouldn't expect them to be another mum but I probably would feel disappointed that she wouldn't allow my kids to be part of our relationship and probably be looking for a person who could be willing to have my kids be apart of our relationship. I've learnt through my step mum that she shared similar attitude to you and for me I have virtually no relationship with her. I wanted to but she never made the effort. You may choose not to take care of your husbands kids, and I'm not here to say whether that's a good thing or not but remember his kids is a piece of your husband and its a way to feel a deep connection to be apart of their lives. If his kids where like me and my brother, we wished my dad found someone who showed us they cared.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Creative, I definitely think this is something to be discussed before marriage. Anyone marrying a patent needs to be ready to engage in the children's lives. In my case, I knew I didn't want that, so I didn't date dads with young children. That way, we didn't get involved and then, I said I have an issue raising children. 

I'm not sure why the OP didn't have this discussion before marriage or dating, for that matter. Maybe things moved too quickly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You knew who you were marrying. You knew him 7 years. If the genders were switched the man would be roasted for this same post.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

richie33 said:


> You knew who you were marrying. You knew him 7 years. If the genders were switched the man would be roasted for this same post.


No this is not a gender issue and the post would be received by most in the same way whether the OP was male/female.

This is why the divorce rate for second marriages is upwards of 75%, because people with children get remarried without properly working out the child related issues.
Good luck OP, you're going to need it.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You dont need to be a "mother" they already have one. What you can be is a friend and confidante, a good role model for them. If this is too much for you, if you cant come to care for them if not love them, be a part of their lives, then you really should get out.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Holland said:


> No this is not a gender issue and the post would be received by most in the same way whether the OP was male/female.
> 
> This is why the divorce rate for second marriages is upwards of 75%, because people with children get remarried without properly working out the child related issues.
> Good luck OP, you're going to need it.


I disagree. It sounds like the OP is looking for reasons to leave her husband.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Myself said:


> Like i said before i don't want the responsibilty.


If you do choose to stay, your mindset will have to change. Otherwise, no matter how hard you try to hide it, the boy will sense how you feel.

He'll be able to tell by your body language, facial expressions and tone of voice that he's unwanted, and that would be very hurtful and damaging.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

minimalME said:


> If you do choose to stay, your mindset will have to change. Otherwise, no matter how hard you try to hide it, the boy will sense how you feel.
> 
> He'll be able to tell by your body language, facial expressions and tone of voice that he's unwanted, and that would be very hurtful and damaging.


yes, and obvious to any aware parent. definate deal breaker....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One thing that's not clear to me here is whether he is asking you to assume parenting responsibilities that are his job. It is one thing to be a step-parent, and another to be asked to assume a parent role by the biological parent that is not doing there job. This is HIS son and the primary parent duties are his job. I speak from personal experience, I remarried with two young boys and while my husband does participate in their upbringing I do not ask him to take my place. Either way, not everyone is cut out to be a step parent, esp when they don't have kids of their own. OP, if that's how you feel then get out of this marriage; you either have to fully accept his son or move one. Pay no attention to anyone calling you selfish, I could just as easily call him selfish for not being clear about how involved you were willing to be before he married you; as the bio parent that was his job. I was clear on my husband's feeling on the subject before I agreed to marry him.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Myself said:


> I've been married to my husband 2+ years.And we've known eachother for about 7+ years.And we dated a year+ before we got married. He has a son which is eleven now. About three years ago, when i was dating my husband. I watched his son for the entire summer because i was out of work at the time.This is not something that i was thrilled about doing, but i did it for my husband which was my boyfriend at the time.I don't have any children of my own and i don't want any because i simply don't want the responsibility.My husband has a problem with me not wanting to treat him like a stepmother should.Don't get me wrong, i get along with his son.But io don'nt want to be a mother in any form/sense of the word.I enjoy my freedom too much.Maybe my husband and i should have really discussed this issue before we got married, and maybe we wouldn't have gotton married. Idk. But i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it. Not to sound selfish or anything... but i will watch hinm sometimes if i want to.But i feel i have the choice to say yay or nay to watching him.Like i said before i don't want the responsibilty. Let me know what you think.


Need more details.

Do you work or do you stay home while your husband financially supports you? If you work, why do you have to take care of his son? Do you feel that you do more parenting to his son than he does? Do you feel that he "dumps" his son on you while he goes out & do what he wants? Is he a neglectful parent?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You knew who you were marrying. You knew him 7 years. If the genders were switched the man would be roasted for this same post.


I don't think this is a gender thing. She SHOULD be leaving, and so should a man if he doesn't want to do any step-parenting to a young kid still in the house. 

My question would be to the parent, not the don't-wanna-be-Steparent: why are you staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your young kid? That child lives with you and is now also living with someone who can't be bothered. That should be a deal-breaker for any parent IMO.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rose, I think the answer to that question is a parent that can't be bothered and is looking for the step parent to assume the role that should be theirs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Myself said:


> i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it. Not to sound selfish or anything... but i will watch hinm sometimes if i want to.But i feel i have the choice to say yay or nay to watching him.Like i said before i don't want the responsibilty. Let me know what you think.


You're going to leave a husband over summers with an 11 year old?

Do you realize in TWO YEARS the kid will be able to stay home alone?

How much trouble can this kid be?

Are there other problems in your marriage?


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## Oatmeal (Mar 30, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> One thing that's not clear to me here is whether he is asking you to assume parenting responsibilities that are his job. It is one thing to be a step-parent, and another to be asked to assume a parent role by the biological parent that is not doing there job. This is HIS son and the primary parent duties are his job.


This is pretty much what I was going to post. The OP read to me like her husband is leaving her with a lot of childcare duties that she may or may not have signed up for. It's sexist to think that a stepmom should take over all childcare just because she's the female in the relationship.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Myself said:


> I've been married to my husband 2+ years.And we've known eachother for about 7+ years.And we dated a year+ before we got married. He has a son which is eleven now. About three years ago, when i was dating my husband. I watched his son for the entire summer because i was out of work at the time.This is not something that i was thrilled about doing, but i did it for my husband which was my boyfriend at the time.I don't have any children of my own and i don't want any because i simply don't want the responsibility.My husband has a problem with me not wanting to treat him like a stepmother should.Don't get me wrong, i get along with his son.But io don'nt want to be a mother in any form/sense of the word.I enjoy my freedom too much.*Maybe my husband and i should have really discussed this issue before we got married, and maybe we wouldn't have gotton married. Idk.* But i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it. Not to sound selfish or anything... but i will watch hinm sometimes if i want to.But i feel i have the choice to say yay or nay to watching him.Like i said before i don't want the responsibilty. Let me know what you think.


You don't know ? Why in the world you you marry a man who had a kid if you felt this way ? I have no problem with you not wanting to be a mother or have kids, but you had to know this would happen when you married any man who had kids .


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

There's a lot going on with this situation. First, I don't think it is at all selfish to not want kids. However, you and your husband sound like you have poor communication if this wasn't discussed before marriage. Also, he may have gotten the wrong impression when you had his child for a whole summer while you were his girlfriend. You kind of sent a message and set up different expectations from the start. Dad does need to step up and handle the parenting responsibilities while son is there. But, if you are always in your room or gone while his son is present, there is going to start being a big divide between the two of you. Also, teenagers are not the easiest kids to deal with. It sounds irresponsible on both your parts knowing that there was a child in the mix going into this marriage. The child doesn't really have a choice in all this and whatever is best for him should be the priority.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I don't know what to tell you other than when you marry someone who has children, you have to accept them as part of your life, it's a package deal. Not to have expected that is naive at best. I think you need to make the best of this situation and accept this as part of your responsibilities to you husband. It's not like you didn't know this. You said you didn't want to sound selfish, but you are coming off as 1,000% selfish. (And I say that as a step-son)


I agree with this! The boy is a big part of the package deal. You chose to marry someone with a child.

If you didn't want children, you should of married a single man with the same views.


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## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks tennisstar for understanding me.


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## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

PBear we dated a year prior to marraige.But we have been knowing eachother 7+ years.We are both 29 years old.


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## Myself (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks lifeistooshort for the understanding.


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

Being a step parent is one of the hardest roles out there and unfortunately there will be more opinions out there than there are people to give them. Yes, I do agree that the OP knew that the man she was getting involved with had a son and yes they should have discussed things before they got serious. But on the flip side of that coin you can go into something with ideas of how they will work but sometimes, in reality, you have adjust, readjust and then readjust some more just to make things work. 

At the end of the day, the child has 2 parents and does not need another nor does he probably want another parent. The primary parenting should be done by the bio parents and your role is that of being a support to your husband and helping him parent his son. If you want to give more, then great. 

My advise, from years of experience, is do what works for you. Every situation is different. For some great information and support forums log onto www.stepmommag.com.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you marry a man with a child, you are a step mother by definition.

If you became pregnant accidentally, had the baby that you didn't want, would you refuse to be a mother to it, since you want your freedom?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myself said:


> Maybe my husband and i should have really discussed this issue before we got married, and maybe we wouldn't have gotton married. Idk. But i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it. Not to sound selfish or anything... but i will watch hinm sometimes if i want to.


Yes, you should have talked about this BEFORE marriage. His son is one half of him and part of the package deal. If you don't like it, you should get a divorce.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I used to be a stepparent.Worst job I ever had.For many it's basically giving a pint size human the license to treat you like dirt while leaving yourself no right for reaction,feelings,or anything regarding the child that could be considered negative.
No matter what you express you will be considered evil and the enemy of this poor product of a broken home.After all,the child didn't ask for you to be a step mom anymore than he/she asked to have a broken home.So the child is allowed to do,say,and express whatever he/she wants.Then of course there's the fun of dealing with the biological mother who typically never wants the step mother in the picture at all.

And people wonder why some step parents don't want to be around their step children.

*If you're lucky*,you'll find someone who won't let their child run the home and walk all over you.*If you're even luckier *you'll find someone with a child who is emotionally healthy enough to give you a chance at being close to them after a while.

In your case of course all these things should have been ironed out prior to marriage.Shoulda,Woulda,Coulda...so what do you do now?
I suggest you make up your mind.If your marriage is worth keeping then you'll have to deal with being a stepmother in all its ugliness,unfairness and occasionally beautiful moments.

If you choose to stay then you and your husband need to work on a compromise NOW.
Read as many step parenting books as you can and try to develop a plan that works well for all involved.You will have to make sacrifices and so will your husband.It's not an easy life but for some it's well worth the efforts.I happen to be one of the unlucky ones who didn't have the luxury of a husband who cared about my needs and he wasn't interested in a mutually beneficial plan.
It may also help to see a family counselor.That way it isn't just you approaching your husband with all these issues.He may not feel you have valid feelings about this so there's a chance it will degrade into a fight.
No matter what you do,DO NOT speak ill of his child. EVER.No sarcasm,no passive aggressive crap,and don't attack his parenting skills either.Refraining from doing these things will make it so much easier for you when you are trying to get your husband to understand you.

Like it or not,you're stuck as a step mom unless you choose to walk out. Most second marriages that end in divorce ended bc the blended family thing is so tough.You have to decide whether or not you are capable of handling this life you chose.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes you sound selfish!

only a selfish person would marry someone with a child and then say what you said.

get a divorce before you waste any more of their time.


sounds like a marriage of convience to me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Myself said:


> But i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it.


he SHOULD take full responsibility for his child other than in unexpected situations.That's why he gets visitation.To attempt to give the child as much time and attention as possible since he isn't around full time.
You are there as a backup.If dad is sick,you have to take over and keep an eye on the child til dad gets better.If dad has a work emergency,you are there to feed the child and keep him occupied til dad gets home.

You are not his parent and therefore should not be expected to care for him for more time than his dad is caring for him.

in the case when you watched him over the summer,I don't feel you have the right to complain about that.You were out of work and available to help out.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> So the child is allowed to do,say,and express whatever he/she wants.


Just to note - this is not how it works for every step-child. I certainly wasn't allowed to do or say anything I wanted. I was punished constantly and severely for any and all imagined "crimes" - it was repeated made clear I was "a burden." So I get that some step-kids might act like nobs, and that might be encouraged, but let's not paint all step-kids as evil. 

That being said, please - OP make a choice. To either stay and be involved with the child to an appropriate level or get out of the marriage. Please don't make this child feel how much you value "freedom" and what a burden he is, and how you'd just prefer he wouldn't be around. It's a big mental blow, and will effect not only his own feelings of self-worth but will likely long-term damage the relationship with his father. 

If you hated the kid being around so much that one summer, why did you then proceed to marry this guy without discussing that. "Hey are you going to expect me to watch your kid every summer - because I hate it." I just don't get what you expected would happen after that point - the kid would magically disappear as soon as you got married and you'd never have to see him again?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Which is why I said later in my post the part about being lucky enough to find a situation where the child doesn't run the home. If you're going to read a post and say the person who posted it is painting step kids as evil, read the entire post first. I believe I also said there are some beautiful parts to being a stepparent and also said many people find it worth the effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

> But i feel when he gets his son in the summer and on holidays he should take full responsiblilty for him and leave me out of it.


It strikes me that what you mean by this gets to the crux of the issue. Do you mean your husband handles the regular day-to-day issues with you jumping as emergency back-up, or do you mean you would never have to interact with the child except for polite hellos and goodbyes?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of issues does having him around cause you?


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband and I don't have children, by choice. When we married he had two young children.

Initially they came to stay with us every weekend. He is not a child-centred person at all. I disliked the visits. They disliked the visits and he disliked the visits. Their mother loved the visits since it was free babysitting every weekend.

It was reduced to every other weekend and that worked.

I always made it quite clear that whilst I was prepared to welcome them into my home and be kind to them, I was not their mother. My husband was responsible for any discipline necessary.

When they were teenagers their mother became ill and they had to come to live with us. It was very difficult and nearly broke the marriage.

However, I always tried to remember that no matter what my feelings were, it was not the fault of the children and I always tried to be kind and fair to them.

The OP has to work out what she is or is not prepared to live with and act accordingly, but it would be quite, quite wrong to act in a way which made the child uncomfortable when visiting his father.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I believe I also said there are some beautiful parts to being a stepparent and also said many people find it worth the effort.


True, which I'd say likely describes parenting as a whole - whether the kids are bio, adopted, or step. There's no guarantees on whether the perceived "reward" will outweigh the effort required. Plenty of bio parents end of having bad relationships with their kids as well, and thus sometimes lament whether it was "all worth it." 

I'm sorry SB, I know we clash sometimes even though otherwise I often like your opinion(s). But - on this, I still feel the wording of the post puts more emphasis on the negatives of step-parenting - that it's ugly, that it's unfair, that only by small chance (ie - if you are lucky) will things go well. So I recognize that you did put in their that glimmer of hope, and yes, indeed, I did read the whole post. 

I suppose in the end, I just see it from a different perspective, given my own experiences. But - I think going into a situation expecting and dreading failure is going things worse rather than better. 

And after that, I guess I'll exit this thread.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Don't let my posting run you off,I could have been softer in my delivery about my experience as a step.I also could have put more emphasis on the positives.

OP needs to hear what happens when kids have sucky stepparents around them.She can hear from other stepparents and their trauma but it likely won't hit her how important it is for her to either be a good stepmom or get out unless she hears from a grown up steps point of view too.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Well, all I can say is - if you honestly, in the depth of your heart, OP, you realize that you'll never be able to rectify your need for freedom and the need to be involved, even remotely in your step-sons life, this will be a long-lasting issue. And there's no guessing in what ways you may consciously or subconsciously manifest that disapproval. Whether it's silent, seething scorn or straight out abuse, it will have an effect on him. 

I felt, essentially from the beginning of their marriage one recurring felt theme, "you aren't worth it, you are a burden, you are in the way." My step-father was always obsessed about food, particularly me eating more than my "fair share." He'd lock the pantry at night time. He didn't believe I had food allergies and just wanted "special treatment" so he'd slip food I was allergic to into things as a test, which made me ill. So I learned to eat to self-soothe, I ate to defy him. This combined with hypothyroid meant that I rapidly gained weight throughout my adolescence/teenage years. Which led to self-esteem issues and all manner of problems in school. Only now at almost 30, have I finally gone to counseling and with my husband's support am I addressing those emotional eating issues and finally losing weight. 

The situation fundamentally broke my relationship with my mother. When I turned 17, Christmas morning my senior year in high school, they kicked me out of their house. They were moving for a job transfer, and I wasn't invited. I didn't see or speak to my mother for another 9 years. No one was there for my high school graduation, or my college graduation, or my wedding. I attempt a relationship with her now for the sake of my son to know my side of the family, but - that relies on repressing a lot of emotions and not saying anything, and acting as if the past never occurred. 

I don't post this as a pity party, but as a fact and as a exemplar from "the other side of the fence" - as a parent, bio, adopted, or step - you have a choice, you can build this kid up, or you can tear him down. You can help cement his relationship with his father, or you can damage it by proxy by making his father's home an unwelcome place. You have power here to shape this young man's future. 

And with great power, comes great responsibility. And if you want neither, please, you need to consider leaving the relationship or going to counseling and dealing with these feelings/issues. Or making plans to minimize the amount of time the son spends with you during the summer (day camp?) - but you still need to address these feelings and how they'll present themselves. 

But please, don't encourage or threaten or guilt your husband to give up visitation or having a relationship with his child. Because even if he agrees, and feels its the better choice "for the sake of the marriage" - like my mother did, that child will mourn that, likely for the rest of his life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> you have a choice, you can build this kid up, or you can tear him down. You can help cement his relationship with his father, or you can damage it by proxy by making his father's home an unwelcome place. You have power here to shape this young man's future.


Truer words have never been spoken. If you can't make that place a welcoming place for the next 7 years, then do both of them a favor and move out.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Your basic situation sounds similar to the one my wife and I share. 

Dated about a year. Knew each other a few years. Close to 2 married years. A teenage daughter from round 1.

My wife does want to be a mother. So that's not quite the issue we had.

Here it is. MY daughter loves my wife and sees her as a mother in many ways. She recognizes that my wife has done many motherly things with and for her. They do have that bond at some level. But both recognize that my daughter's mother lives in a different house. That my wife isn't her mother. Period. Not expected to be. I don't hold any expectations of her in regard to my daughter. My daughter's car is the sole responsibility of her mother and I.

My wife and daughter are very great friends. My daughter understands my wife to be an adult that is to be respected as a parent would be. Everyone recognizing these boundaries along with good and easy (mostly) co-parenting has helped us all to maintain our sanity.

Not sure if that helps or not.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I am a step mother of a 14 year old with ADHD. You can ask me, is it easy? No, it's actually very hard to raise someone else's child. But he was part of my husbands life before I was. And when I married his dad, I was aware of my new challenges and responsibilities. If you don't want to be a step mother, you should have thought about that before getting married. What do you expect your husband to do about it? Get rid of his son? Get real!


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

I can relate to you So much! My live-in BF has 2 youngins ages 9 & 6 & I have an 18 year old son who is heading off to college this fall. I was almost done w/my child rearing yrs. til I met & fell in love with my BF & his kids 2 yrs ago. I made it clear from the start that I treasure my freedom & refuse to be mom, maid, chauffeur, & babysitter to his kids should he ever get them full time in the future & he's been fine with that. He then made a custody attempt earlier this year & the stress & tension which that alone caused him really scared me. Though I was fully supportive throughout the process & he thanked me numerous times for that support, he still changed/withdrew from our relationship somewhat during that time as he understandably focused more on the kids & the custody battle; leaving me feeling left out in the cold alot. Although this custody attempt was unsuccessful, it gave me a glimpse of what it might be like with him having his kids full time which could indeed become a reality down the road. It showed me that he's not the best multi-tasker & I could be sorely neglected. 

I'm 42, not getting any younger, and though I get on quite well with his kids now & love them, I fear that once they hit the terrible teens things could change for the worst whether they're here full time or not. I have voiced this fear to family & friends who all tell me I shouldn't give up this good man & relationship now for down the road 'what if' worries. That I should hang in & enjoy it for however long it lasts. I'm torn about this though since my good man snagging years are now dwindling. I don't wanna wake up at age 50 with his cantankerous then-teens making me miserable & no other options because I'm too old to start over by then, & don't wanna grow old alone. It's a conundrum similar to yours that I just thought I'd share so you don't feel so alone in your step conundrum. 

Also, have you made it clear to him how much you value your freedom & your boundaries where the care of his kid is concerned, as I did? I think it's key so he can't hold your lesser involvement against you down the road.

K
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

How did you manage to involved with a guy that has a kid when you obviously didn't want any? That should have been a red flag for you. 
I digress....

Either make the best out of the situation you're in or cut your losses and leave.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Myself said:


> Thanks so much! And youre right.But i cant help that i dont want the responsibility of children,im saying that to the selfish part.But maybe i made a mistake. but im in this now , so IDK.


I became a step dad at 19.....He is now my best friend....Taking the view I did, and accepting it as part of the marriage is one option...It worked for me....

But what if you take the view that he will be 18 soon enough and no ones responsibility isn't this a much less bitter pill to swallow....

It is not a life sentence, and you might find that as he gets a bit older he could become a good younger friend rather than a step child......A teenage boy can become an incredibly helpful member of the family if raised with a bit of discipline and understanding.........

Ending the marriage over such a minor issue will lead to a lifetime of second guessing, and guilt......If you love your husband.....

the woodchuck


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

silentghost said:


> How did you manage to involved with a guy that has a kid when you obviously didn't want any?


I see it all the time. Lovers put on their best behavior, tell their partner whatever they want to hear. He knew she didn't want kids, so he minimized the effect his son would have on him. She minimized the effect in her mind. Then, when they were living together, she had to realize the total number of hours that were involved.


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