# Unhappy and confused (long post)



## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

I have been unhappy with my relationship for a long time. We got married young, well before I knew what I wanted in a relationship. Since then I have always doubted our relationship, though I have always loved her. That has always been confusing to me.

My wife has a very strong personality, and has always been unwilling to acquiesce to or even consider many of my requests for change in our relationship because she feels she shouldn't have to. While I can respect that in most aspects of life, it also shows a lack of caring and a cold shoulder to a spouse. She wants to be strong and rigid at the expense of my happiness. When I tell her what I need she either gets defensive or argues that I already have what I'm asking for. When I respond that that isn't true (after all, I know what I want and need, regardless of how well she feels she's meeting that demand) she gets VERY angry and tells me I'm being irrational.

While I believe 100% in equality, I feel that a husband and wife each have a role. I feel that because of her personality she does not want or need me to fill the husband role. She does that very well for herself, and I often feel like she's the "man" in the relationship (not that I'm the girl, mind you. Just that I'm not needed).

Our sexual situation is cause for no end of frustration. There is zero passion in our relationship. She will not consider my requests here either. My advances (i love foreplay and believe it should last all day, before and after any sexual encounters) are often ignored or pushed aside in favor of other things that she feels like doing. She makes no advances (or very very few, consisting mostly of brief grabs or something). While I can get sex from her any day I need it, it's on her schedule and lacks any spontaneity, variety or passion until we actually get going. It usually consists of her calling me into the room when she wants and is essentially the same every time. We are both in excellent shape and are very attractive, though lately because of being embarrassed and frustrated by her cold shoulder I have lost interest in even trying. Passion, sex and spontaneity are the most important things to me, I've realized over the course of our marriage. She doesn't, can't, and - I believe - doesn't feel she should have to meet my requests in this area. She is fundamentally different from me in this. There are other sexual "difficulties" that we can not overcome, which makes it frustrating to me that she's unwilling to be more adventurous or willing to do what I would like to counter-balance those difficulties. In bed, in the heat of the moment, I will do just about anything for her. It seems like there is never a "heat of the moment" for her.

She is very hot-headed and inconsiderate a lot of the time, and frankly quite mean. While she apologizes for this and I forgive her, I've let her know that this is behavior is wearing me down and that I won't accept it on this level any longer. She gets very mad at me when I say that, because she believes I'm not forgiving her and I should. I'm of a mind that she should stop being mean, rather than me being more accepting of that behavior. 

Our relationship has always been like this, but I have realized more and more what I want in life and marriage and how I don't believe she is the right person for me because of our fundamental differences and views on marriage. I still love her, but don't ever believe I'll be happy with her. The old "I love her but am not in love with her" bit. We're going to counseling, but I could really use advice. I want desperately for her and I to be happy, and it breaks my heart to see her sad, but I don't think we are compatible and I, at least, won't ever be happy in this relationship unless it changes. 

I don't want to be affectionate or loving toward her anymore since I honestly feel no motivation or "spark" or "in love-ingness", I feel quite neutral in those areas towards her. I think the cause of our recent problems are because I have become more aware of what I want and resistant to her personality. I also don't think it's fair to ask a fundamental personality change of her, since I'm the one who has changed.

What do you all think?

-AZ


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

That is hard. Im at the beginning of asking myself these questions. My sex life is suffering from what i believe are fundamental differences and I dont see any way to resolve them. I am also becoming neutral. 

For now I am just trying to be patient. We are both going to counseling so im trying to give it some time and take things slowly. But it is one of the most frustrating experiences I have ever had! 

Sorry I dont have any advice for ya. Just some empathy.


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## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

That's much appreciated too. I was feeling bad for changing and wanting something different, at least I know there're others out there


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How old are the two of you and do you have children? Do you both work?

draconis


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## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

We're both almost 30, no kids and we both work.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

AZTroop said:


> I have been unhappy with my relationship for a long time. We got married young, well before I knew what I wanted in a relationship.


Okay so what do you want now? Are you upset you never got that wild and crazy single life orr do you just picture marriage different?



> my requests for change in our relationship because she feels she shouldn't have to.


I believe you knew what you were marring into. You still did it anyways. Although you shouldn't change people there are times compromise is in order. If she is unwilling to bend for you why should you bend to accept her?



> While I believe 100% in equality, I feel that a husband and wife each have a role.


I think in your heart of hearts you believe you feel in being equal but by your post alone I hold that in doubt. If you two do go your seperate ways I suggest choosing a partner tht will better fit you.



> Our sexual situation is cause for no end of frustration. There is zero passion in our relationship.


Have you done anything to try to correct this? How is your communication skills? How romantic are you?



> While I can get sex from her any day I need it, it's on her schedule and lacks any spontaneity, variety or passion until we actually get going.


SO are you saying there is passion once it gets going?



> It usually consists of her calling me into the room when she wants and is essentially the same every time.


Have you done anything to change thing up?



> which makes it frustrating to me that she's unwilling to be more adventurous or willing to do what I would like to counter-balance those difficulties.


I guess it depends on how wierd you want her to be or what your requests are. The thing is no one should feel they have to do something that they do not feel is right and makes them uncomfortable.



> She is very hot-headed and inconsiderate a lot of the time, and frankly quite mean. While she apologizes for this and I forgive her, I've let her know that this is behavior is wearing me down and that I won't accept it on this level any longer. She gets very mad at me when I say that, because she believes I'm not forgiving her and I should. I'm of a mind that she should stop being mean, rather than me being more accepting of that behavior.


I think this issue might underline everything else going on here. You shouldn't have to forgive her for her mistakes. However you do need to communicate to her that, you will not live like this and she needs help through anger management classes etc.




> I still love her, but don't ever believe I'll be happy with her. The old "I love her but am not in love with her" bit.


See above



> We're going to counseling,


Good I hope it helps either the marriage or for you to figure out what you want and need.


draconis


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## inlove (Sep 1, 2008)

Hi,
My husband and I are going through the same thing right now. 2 months ago he told me that he wsn't happy with me any more. To my surpise I didn't know we were having problems because he had never communicated that to me. Do you tell you wife when she hurts your feeling or is mean to you? I mean do you tell her right then and there? or do you hold it for a while and the explode? The reason I'm asking is because my husband does't communicte with me until he blows up. Then when he does I'm like what happened. Our troubles are sex related as well. We "women" can't just jump into bed when you want us to. We like to be kissed and turned on before.. my husband would get mad becuase he thought just by him toughing me where he thought would turn me on that, that was it. I tried to tell him that women are not like that. He did it for a week or two then it went back to the same thing. Then I got pregnent and things got worse. He would touch me and I was moody all the time and didn't want him to be touching me. He took that to heart and know we don't have that problem. We just don't have sex anymore. Now he tells me that I hurt him so much and that he doesn't know if he wants to stay with me or not. Things have changed. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is please communicate with your wife and if you know it in your heart that you are not in love with her then get out of he relationship. Be honest with yourself on what you want and need, then you can be honest with her. It is the worst feeling not knowing where you stand in a realtionship day in and day out. My husband and I have our first counseling session tomorrow but I have already told him that if he is not happy he needs to leave me and find his happines. Even though it will kill me if he leaves me, it will be worse if he stays with me and doesn't love me? you know what I mean? Good luck!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

AZTroop-

One question I have to ask is does your wife allow you to give her orgasms during sex?


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## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

> Okay so what do you want now? Are you upset you never got that wild and crazy single life orr do you just picture marriage different?


I never did get that wild and crazy life, but no, that's not really what I want either. I want a loving and passionate companion without an overbearing "bullying" personality who can cut loose and go with the flow and will do anything she can to make her husband happy (and vice versa, of course!). It's not enough to do these things, but to "want" to do them, otherwise they're just mechanical responses and are useless to me. I was willing to do anything for this girl at the drop of a hat, but her personality has steamrolled me into feeling loveless animosity and resentment. 




> I believe you knew what you were marring into. You still did it anyways. Although you shouldn't change people there are times compromise is in order. If she is unwilling to bend for you why should you bend to accept her?


I did know what I was marrying into, but I didn't know that it could be different. I'm not asking her to change, only telling her what I need to be happy. You're right, compromise is in order, but there are some road blocks that can't be compromised beyond. These are the core traits of our personality, and I don't expect a change. That's half the reason I feel so hopeless, I feel that I need a different person to be happy.




> I think in your heart of hearts you believe you feel in being equal but by your post alone I hold that in doubt. If you two do go your seperate ways I suggest choosing a partner tht will better fit you.


The majority of my post was concentrated on what I want a wife to be for her husband, so it seemed one-sided and chauvinistic. I would bow to and kiss the feet of my dream girl and would spend the whole of my life giving her everything she needs and wants as long as that sentiment was returned. I still hold true to the belief that men and women are fundamentally better at giving each other wholly different things that the other needs.




> Have you done anything to try to correct this? How is your communication skills? How romantic are you?


I was always romantic. As a couple we heard constantly how I was always so different and more affectionate than most guys. Her mom and sister both told her the same thing over and over. Cards and flowers and phone calls were given to her constantly. I left little notes here and there for her. I adored showering this girl with affection because I was in love with her. That's no longer the case.

I always tried directly contributing to physical passion as well, but my advances and ideas were so often ignored or trivialized that I felt embarrassed and hurt and therefor completely withdrew those elements. My wife would actually seal her mouth and turn her head from my kisses (not sloppy ones! Just kisses in general), how am I supposed to feel encouraged to proceed with responses like that? That's how it deteriorated into me waiting for her to say "ok, sex time now". That is nowhere near what I want or need.



> SO are you saying there is passion once it gets going?


There definitely is, once we get going. But my wife is still so reserved in bed that I'm not fulfilled at all. I'm not asking for anything specific or deviant or anything, just carefree, passionate lovemaking. I always get the impression she's thinking more about our lovemaking more than feeling it. The scene in the move Magnolia is a perfect metaphor: Things were getting hot for the couple when he almost spills his beer and she interrupted everything to stop him and discuss it. It's a couch! Spill the beer and clean it up after your world-moving sexcapades!



> Have you done anything to change thing up?
> 
> 
> I guess it depends on how wierd you want her to be or what your requests are. The thing is no one should feel they have to do something that they do not feel is right and makes them uncomfortable.


See above.



> I think this issue might underline everything else going on here. You shouldn't have to forgive her for her mistakes. However you do need to communicate to her that, you will not live like this and she needs help through anger management classes etc.


Things started getting very bad for us when I told her I was done accepting her behavior. We will either move past it and compromise or it will be part of a deal-breaker for us. I believe she's willing to work on this, but it's still completely ingrained in her personality to act like this and treat people in this way.


Thanks a lot for your help and consideration!


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## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

MarkTwain-

Absolutely she does. I enjoy giving them and she enjoys receiving them (of course, lol)


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## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

inlove-

See most of my responses above, they will answer your post. I've communicated with her as much as possible, but a lot of the time she's so hot-headed and defensive and then accusatory that I felt it was useless. 

Then I just got fed up and said I was done taking it. I got fed up after I fell out of love and was unwilling to accept any more of such behavior, after all it's our love that allows us to be so lenient and forgiving.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

AZtroop-

I think the fact that you have made a stand is good. And believe you me, the fact that you say she is willing to address your points is encouraging. A lot of women in her position would just tell you to accept them the way they are.

You mention about how you used to be romantic etc. I'm not asking you to go back to that, but to go beyond it. Her is an idea: When she is in a good mood, say to her "remember when I used to leave you little notes etc." And then go on to say that you realise that although they seemed like the way to be romantic to YOU, they may have not been what got her feeling warm. So ask her what sort of things you can do make her feel cherished.

My wife used to want to buy me gifts, but they did very little for me. Every birthday, she would say what do you want me to get you, and I would say "NOTHING. I don't like _things_". If she wants to make me feel special, all she has to do is give me a massage or a handjob or take me to bed. You see, I'm low maintenance 

On the other hand, I have had to learn to look out for little gifts for her because that makes her happy. 

So even though your wife does not sound ideal, there are still things you can do to make inroads.

One question I have for you: Tell me about her good points, what is the best thing you can say about her?


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## AZTroop (Sep 6, 2008)

I know my wife adored the little things I did for her and wishes I'd do them now. I have no motivation whatsoever to do these things though. I know that to resolve issues like "no affection = no sex" that someone has to make the first step, but I really don't care anymore. It sounds terrible, I know. I don't dislike my wife at all, I want her to be happy and would hate to break her heart, but I have no feeling of love towards her. Is there a way to reignite the spark? As it stands, I don't even care if I fall back in love with her, but I do want to try to see if it's possible to save the marriage. Maybe we can be happy.

We were "together" tonight, and I tried to make things passionate and be affectionate, but I was elsewhere in my mind and heart. When I feel so vacant inside while I'm going through the motions of being affectionate, that's when I feel the most hopeless.

MarkTwain, as far as what I like most about my wife... she's loyal. I know she would have my side and stick with me through most things. That is indeed comforting and would be ultra important if it were not there, I realize that and appreciate it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

AZTroop said:


> I know my wife adored the little things I did for her and wishes I'd do them now. I have no motivation whatsoever to do these things though. I know that to resolve issues like "no affection = no sex" that someone has to make the first step, but I really don't care anymore.


I notice you used an equals sign. That means the items on each side of the sign are interchangeable. Look at it the other way round. In your case it is "no sex = no affection" And yes, one of you will have to make the first move.



AZTroop said:


> It sounds terrible, I know. I don't dislike my wife at all, I want her to be happy and would hate to break her heart, but I have no feeling of love towards her. Is there a way to reignite the spark? As it stands, I don't even care if I fall back in love with her, but I do want to try to see if it's possible to save the marriage. Maybe we can be happy.


 What seems to have happened is that like ME, you thrive on hot sex, and the lack of it has turned you off.



AZTroop said:


> We were "together" tonight, and I tried to make things passionate and be affectionate, but I was elsewhere in my mind and heart. When I feel so vacant inside while I'm going through the motions of being affectionate, that's when I feel the most hopeless.


You are going to have to make your mind up. You are either going to work on you relationship, or you are going to have a Dutch auction of icyness.




AZTroop said:


> MarkTwain, as far as what I like most about my wife... she's loyal. I know she would have my side and stick with me through most things. That is indeed comforting and would be ultra important if it were not there, I realize that and appreciate it.


My gut feeling is, that you can strike gold! What you need to tell her is that hot sex from the woman you love is the thing that really makes you feel loved. Tell her that in return you will deliver on whatever she needs.

You have to be firm. Once you reach that place where you are ready to leave if the passion is not ignited, the other partner can feel the unflinching sincerity of that. Then they have the choice of meeting the challenge, or showing you the door.

I think one of your problems is that you probably feel shallow for making sex a resigning issue. But when you get as much out of sex as I do, then it IS a big deal. If this is so, then drop the guilt.


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