# Asking X for sex after divorce? bad idea?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

My SO moved out a month ago. I am hoping for an R with her. She really has not given me anything to indicate she might invite this activity but she knows I know all the buttons to push to make her happy. 

We are primarily only communicating about our kids and such. I am just curious if the ladies here, assuming you were slightly still on the fence about an R, would you shoot an X down for such a question? Does this seem like a really bad idea and I should wait to see if there is any signals from her first? 

I know there is not another man. I guess I am hoping to try and prevent that my offering to fill that void if needed but I don't want that to cause more problems.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Call me old fashioned, but I don't sleep with men I'm not in a relationship with. And my ex-husband does not count as someone in that category. For a myriad of reasons. That you seek to "fill the void" of sex for your ex in order to keep her from seeing other men, frankly, just sounds little stalker-ish and creepy. If the problems in your marriage were bad enough to divorce over, it's much healthier for everyone to take their dignity and self-respect in hand and move on. 

Who initiated the divorce, and why? And have things changed significantly from then to now so that you are both someone the other person would feel good about sleeping with?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

She initiated D. From what I gather, mostly due to financial reasons. She feels I do not contribute enough. I am working to make some changes there but still not sure it would work. 

Really no denying that I am a little lost right now in what to do. She admitted in an email the day after she moved that she had strong feelings come up after she left and has some regrets. However, she moved none the less and only a block away in a rental. 

She has never said "I hate you, never want to see you, etc". 

She did agree to going to a show me and our boys a couple weeks ago but cancelled on the last day saying "she needs time to unwind from the move". 

She was diagnosed with adrenal fatique last year. She says she feels "lost" and does not "feel herself".


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> My SO moved out a month ago. I am hoping for an R with her. She really has not given me anything to indicate she might invite this activity but she knows I know all the buttons to push to make her happy.
> 
> We are primarily only communicating about our kids and such. I am just curious if the ladies here, assuming you were slightly still on the fence about an R, would you shoot an X down for such a question? Does this seem like a really bad idea and I should wait to see if there is any signals from her first?
> 
> I know there is not another man. I guess I am hoping to try and prevent that my offering to fill that void if needed but I don't want that to cause more problems.


Wouldn't do it...when you get divorced and move on to someone else...it'll be a bit difficult explaining to them why you went back to your ex for sex...and they will find out you did.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If you don't know, exactly, why your wife divorced you, I'd say the communication between the two of you isn't good enough to attempt post-divorce sex. If you want to work on reconciling, then the two of you need to sit down and start talking to one another and listening to one another. Decide if reconciling is even something both of you want. If it is, then you two will both need some pretty intensive MC, and probably a good bit of IC as well, to try and build a functional relationship. 

But just offering to have nsa sex with your ex is a bad idea. Either she'll be squicked out and offended, or she'll accept and one or both of you will end up getting hurt all over again somewhere down the line.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's more common than most people imagine.

Doesn't make it a good idea. That's why folks don't talk about it. 

If you are serious about wanting to reconcile, my advice is that sex makes that prospect more complicated. Not less.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> She initiated D. From what I gather, mostly due to financial reasons. She feels I do not contribute enough. I am working to make some changes there but still not sure it would work.
> 
> Really no denying that I am a little lost right now in what to do. She admitted in an email the day after she moved that she had *strong feelings come up after she left and has some regrets*. However, she moved none the less and only a block away in a rental.
> 
> ...


Strong feelings and regrets...followed by still moving out...the regrets are likely one of what things could have been and not how she wants them now. It sounds like a walk away wife situation. Was there an I love you but am not in love with you moment?

Also keep in mind with regards to the sex...women are just as capable, willing and desirous as men to have emotionally detached sex, so if she wants to have sex with you, don't read too much into it. If you know how to push all her buttons the right way, and all she wants is to get laid with no commitment...you'd be a pretty good safe option for that...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

OK, glad I asked. 

Now, maybe someone can give me good advice on how to navigate any possibility of an R? I did ask her 1.5weeks ago in email "are we done?", she replied "yes". 

I am not sure if I should just respect that and move on or if hanging in would show commitment? I know in her emails she seems quite amazing how much I love her and that I have never given up on her. 

Is there some sign or signal I might consider a possibility? I am probably biased here as I seem to only listen to what I want to hear but I read to "believe nothing she says, but watch what she does". 

I am still hung on the fact that she moved only down the street. If I wanted to get away from someone for good, I know I would want to get AWAY.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I would ask a mod (Hey Deejo...yeah you...) to move this thread over to the Going Through Divorce or Separation section...you will get some great more tailored advice over there...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Samy, I got some of this "not IN love with you" months ago. 

Possibly to some of my discredit, since told our MC we were done last Nov, I still got her something decent for Xmas and she got me socks and therma underwear....yah! 

So her Bday was in Jan. Got her nothing and did nothing for Vday either. I guess got to the point of why try?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I do have a thread in the recon area but not much activity I guess. Sorry if I am posting too much. Too much crap in my head right now. 

I was trying to mostly ask the pointed question of sex. Which it seems I should probably wait for some signal from her if that were going to happen? 

Thing is, I am not sure she can really decouple sex and me but I guess we did have sex a few times since last Nov when she said she was done.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> I do have a thread in the recon area but not much activity I guess. Sorry if I am posting too much. Too much crap in my head right now.
> 
> I was trying to mostly ask the pointed question of sex. Which it seems I should probably wait for some signal from her if that were going to happen?
> 
> Thing is, *I am not sure she can really decouple sex and me* but I guess we did have sex a few times since last Nov when she said she was done.


Oh, I bet she can...far better than you could possibly imagine. As I said, contrary to conventional wisdom, women are more than able to have sex for no other purpose than getting the big O...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

She divorced you. That's about as strong a signal as a woman can send to her husband that she does not want to be married to him any more. 

She may have moved just down the street because she thought it would be best for the children. It does not necessarily mean she wants to get back together with you.

Ask her about the possibility of reconciling one final time, if you feel you absolutely must. But, after that, I strongly suggest you work on letting her go and moving on in a healthy direction with your own life.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> OK, glad I asked.
> 
> Now, maybe someone can give me good advice on how to navigate any possibility of an R? * I did ask her 1.5weeks ago in email "are we done?", she replied "yes". *


There's your answer, now get this idea out of your head. You're only making it worse for yourself. So what if she only moved a block away? She's still not under your roof. She has indicated that's "she's done" and therefore "no sex for you".

Sorry, but that's how women are wired. When we're done, WE ARE DONE!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I should clarify that we were never married. We were engaged and together for 12yrs but that is it. 

She did say she moved close to make the transition with the kids easier. It is SUPER easy and convenient though. 

I was not sure if I should really ask about R or if I should work small steps in that direction?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rowan said:


> She divorced you. That's about as strong a signal as a woman can send to her husband that she does not want to be married to him any more.
> 
> She may have moved just down the street because she thought it would be best for the children. It does not necessarily mean she wants to get back together with you.
> 
> Ask her about the possibility of reconciling one final time, if you feel you absolutely must. But, after that, *I strongly suggest you work on letting her go and moving on in a healthy direction with your own life*.


And from some of the things he is saying here, I don't think having sex with her is a good idea AT ALL. She has emotionally detached, and he is still very much emotionally invested. It will just hurt him even more if they have sex, when it finally sinks in, that he was nothing more than a good lay for her.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> There's your answer, now get this idea out of your head. You're only making it worse for yourself. So what if she only moved a block away? She's still not under your roof. She has indicated that's "she's done" and therefore "no sex for you".
> 
> Sorry, but that's how women are wired. *When we're done, WE ARE DONE*!


I agree with the bolded, but completely disagree that that necessarily means no sex.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

southern wife said:


> There's your answer, now get this idea out of your head. You're only making it worse for yourself. So what if she only moved a block away? She's still not under your roof. She has indicated that's "she's done" and therefore "no sex for you".
> 
> *Sorry, but that's how women are wired. When we're done, WE ARE DONE*!


:iagree:

This is sooooooo true!

Lol, but lots of guys learn it the haaaard way!:rofl:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It seems to me you're manufacturing motives for her that don't fit reality.

If I were to divorce and leave my home and child I'd get a place as close to my kid that I could.

One block away would be perfect as she could come down and see me whenever she wanted.

She outright told you she's done and you want to listen to what she does instead of what she says.

It's true we often say that but you're ignoring the context.

We say that to people whose spouses are being deceitful about infidelity/finances etc.

Not spouses who have moved out and on with their lives.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> She has emotionally detached, and he is still very much emotionally invested. It will just hurt him even more if they have sex, when it finally sinks in, that he was nothing more than a good lay for her.


:iagree: However, if she invites you to have sex, that might be an opening to a conversation about R.

Your marriage fell apart because your wife did not feel secure financially and blamed you for failing to provide.

If, and it is easier said than done, you improve yourself career-wise, you may become attractive to her again.

Are you in good physical shape? If you do strength training and exude self confidence, you may get her attention but you are climbing uphill. Nothing will catch her attention better than dating other women, the younger and more attractive the bigger the impression. If they have social status, e.g., education and good jobs, that will also cause her think about you.

Doing the 180 might be good for you.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I know of a number of people whose relationships with their husbands and wives substantially improved after they became exes.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

And stayed exes.....

I am not in the camp of being her best friend if we are not together. Actually, I would prefer to never talk to her again but I guess when you kick out kids, you are screwed either way.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

married tech said:


> I know of a number of people whose relationships with their husbands and wives substantially improved after they became exes.


Sure they did - because they removed the parts of the relationship that brought conflict. It can make you wonder if you did the right thing but then if you try to get back together - BAM! there it is again...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

In hindsight, my H had sex with me for years after he felt our marriage was over. Now I know how he feels, and we still live in the same house and have not slept together since. 

Neither of us has tried, but I don't think it would be well received either way. It's out there now, so that part is gone.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, I think where I get confused in this mess is when my X tells me in an email that she had a lot of feelings come up just after the move, she does love me, and sees me as her ideal lifetime partner. However she says "we don't know how to do that". 

She then accepts my invitation to an outing with her and the kids but later cancels. 

That is what makes me think she is sort of on the fence. BUT, I am taking strong offense and notice of the move. If this is her way of saying things have to change, we could have done that another way. If she really wants to have nothing to do with me, I might need a firm "F'k off" to get the point.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> If she really wants to have nothing to do with me, I might need a firm "F'k off" to get the point.


 Divorcing you was an f'you.

You have it mixed up. You need to 180 her, i.e., tell her to f'off in fact. You don't have to be mean, rude, sullen, glum. Just don't engage with her in banter. Discuss child issues. Keep it short. Do not ask or offer information about how you are doing or she is doing. If she starts talking about her period or a colleague who annoys her or whatever, say nothing beyond, "wow, sounds tough or something that does not give her emotional affirmation."

You may even wish to unfriend her on FB to avoid the pain of seeing her face.

Are you working out? Read Machiavelli's advice about female attraction to the male physique.

Concentrate of making more money or being more successful career-wise if that is important to you. Go to meetup or start dating.

When your wife sees that you are moving on she is more likely to approach you about R if that comes to mind.

But D means D. Sure people do remarry, but your wife doesn't want you as you are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some couples sleep with eachother through the separation and divorce and even post-divorce.

I suppose it's all how you guys feel and what you want.

Sleeping together, though, doesn't mean you are back together.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Sure they did - because they removed the parts of the relationship that brought conflict.


Yea my brother and his ex live together now and have for more years than they were married. They also get along better too! 

I can sort of relate and I am almost tempted to divorce my wife just so that our relationship would improve as well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

southern wife said:


> There's your answer, now get this idea out of your head. You're only making it worse for yourself. So what if she only moved a block away? She's still not under your roof. She has indicated that's "she's done" and therefore "no sex for you".
> 
> Sorry, but that's how women are wired. *When we're done, WE ARE DONE!*


YEP! I know just how done I was, and found my ex at the time completely pathetic because he kept holding out hope and hinting that he wanted R. Dont be pathetic. Help her keep what little respect she might have left for you by leaving her alone and getting on with your own life. You have to deal with her forever because of your kids, dont make it worse than it needs to be.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I should have probably clarified that we were never officially married so the "divorce" is actually a "move out" but together 12yrs so I feel "girl friend" does not really cover it. 

We were engaged for 3yrs of that but she just took the ring off one day. Never said a word. Special....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you were engaged for three years... Why no wedding?

Personally, I think asking for sex will look needy and weak. It won't help you, either in moving on or getting her back. But it might be more fun than rubbing one out on your own...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that I wouldn't have sex with either of my XW's, even if I intentionally ate a 20 lb. bag of cocaine just to make them appear more palatable to me, and was given a lifetime supply of penicillin to boot! 

Sorry! But I don't really think that I could ever bring myself to getting that horny!*


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I seem to have to shoulder all this blame for everything in our relationship. I guess I should make all the money, do at least 50% of the house work, fix everything around the house, coddle my SO in every way and remember to tell her all these fuzzy somethings every day, etc. 

We got engaged. Why is is my job to plan a wedding? I told her whenever, lets do it. She did absolutely nothing, as usual. Then it is somehow my fault because I should have went to the church, called a cater company, etc. She showed zero interest in planning of a wedding at all. She wanted to just drive somewhere and do it. 

In short, I seriously think she wanted to wear a wedding ring, NOT actually be married because she lacks the capacity so far to drop her walks of protection and let anyone is. 

I have plenty of stuff on ME but I do point the finger straight at her on engaging me and tending to, well, ANY of my needs. We had sex when SHE wanted, not me. She did not seek to kiss me, hug me, touch me, sit by me, etc. 

I called her my roommate because that is what we were. Make no mistake, I can and will correct a few things about myself but it will be a cold day before I get back with her without a HUGE change in HER. She bought me crap at walmart. That was her love pattern. Sorry, not good enough.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So if you have all these b!tcbes about her why so hung up on getting her back?

Under what circumstances did you get engaged? Did you ask because you wanted it or did she have to push it? Nine years is a long time to wait to get engaged and such a long time usually means someone doesn't really want it. If she had to push things the message she got was that you didn't really want to marry her, and abdicating all planning to her would've driven home this message. This is quite an important topic to a lot of women, especially if you have kids. Unless they specifically say they don't want to be married they're probably po'd you're not married after a few years of dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why would you consider having sex with her now? I'm not understanding what you want. She's shown you over the last twelve years who she is. Accept that. You don't want that woman back, you want your ideal (or at least, acceptable) woman back. It's not her. Move on already. That means no sex. Find someone to boink that you don't have a crappy history with. There's 3.5 billion women out there (approximately) that qualify. Go find one, and stop dwelling on the ONE woman who doesn't. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Bob,

Good that you are actually discussing your relationship now on the thread. You may get some place.

Sounds like you were not happy either.

Read Bagdon's thread about how he changed himself.

Since you are living close by and are bound as parents, you can change what you can change, yourself.

Above all do not be needy. If you think she is still thinking things over, listen to her but as many have observed you cannot chase a cat.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> OK, glad I asked.
> 
> Now, maybe someone can give me good advice on how to navigate any *possibility of an R*? I did ask her 1.5weeks ago in *email "are we done*?", * she replied "yes*".
> 
> ...



You answered your own question OP I know its hard but you should move on


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You just got done with a long term relationship. You need time to heal and recover before you think about being engaged with another partner.

That's LONG LONG before having sex IMO.

Take time to heal, when ready start doing/looking for whatever you want.

It can take anywhere from 6 months to a year......

I would strongly recommend against it


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, the situation is that we both technically know how to make each other happy. We both apply the cold shoulder, then there is a huge wedge between us. 

I have been told that if I have any desire to fix it, do NOT date other women. However, I do not think the ball is really in my court right now. I am not sure if I am supposed to try and engage her in conversation about this, ignore her, or what. We have had a couple dinners at her place recently, I am fixing one of her cars just to be a nice guy, and I am trying to be civil. 

However, I sort of feel like she is sending mixed messages or I am too blinded right now. I mean, why have dinner together, why is she trying to have small chat via email? I don't know which boot to pour piss in right now. Half of me still wants to slap her for leaving instead of talking to me. the other half understands that she thinks I am bipolar and I am not perfect. 

the core issue IMO, has always been that she never drops that wall and acts very interested in me so I in return do not try to show affection or do nice things for her. It CONSTANTLY irritated me that I would take her out, spend a nice evening together. Her response is exactly what a friend would do...."thanks". I mean why man gets excited to take her SO out just to get a friend response? No sex, no hugs, no affection, no nothing. Don't get me wrong, I am not a PDA nut but people would sometimes ask "are you two together?" It was not apparent enough. 

I guess there was a VERY select few times that we rolled around in the back of the truck before going into a place to eat!! FEW!!

Yes, I would be asking her to drop some walls but I am not sure she knows how to put the rock down. 

She complained about me being a "tight ass". I call it financial responsibility. I like to know what things cost and how much we plan on spending. If we go on a vaca, I like to work some of this out. She just wants to "go and spend" like a free bird. Apparently cash grows on trees. maybe I have some issues blowing money on stupid stuff. Probably something I can work on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that I wouldn't want a piece of my rich, skanky, XW, even with a borrowed appendage!

I just don't think that I could get that horny! Ever!*


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Bob,

You have not properly explained the timeline of your interactions. Since you began this thread have you been intimate with her? Have you gone on dinner dates?

When did she say you should not date?

Hit the gym, make more money, take care of your parental responsibilities, date. Live your life. If your ex SO wants to date you, let her bring it up.

It has to be her idea.

You are fortunate that you do not have to divorce her.


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