# Married out of guilt, how many of you successfully overcome this?



## Beth78 (Oct 12, 2014)

Long story short. I grew up in a very strict religious household. My mom had me at 16, and married my Dad to escape a bad home life, and because she was pregnant with me, I know she married out of guilt. Growing up, I never saw them exchange any affection. Sex was never talked about because it was considered "taboo" a dirty subject. So from an early age, I was already feeling guilty for have sexual feelings and for being a female. My dad was physically and mentally abusive too. Dating wasn't really encouraged. So when I dated my first boyfriend finally at the age of 18, and he started to get a bit abusive, I ended the relationship at three months. At least I was smart enough to recognize that abuse. When it came to dating, I realized too that I was extremely shy, so that made me unapproachable. 

So when my now be husband showed nerve to approach me, and showed romantic interest in me, I found it flattering, and we began courting. After 6-months of dating I lost my virginity to him. Despite never feeling attracted to him, I gave in out of fear that if I didn't give him what he wanted sexually he might leave. He treated me really well, and he had an incredible sex drive. Normal at his age, I know. Yet...I felt nothing but friendship for him. Due to my lack of dating and knowledge of love and sex, I never questioned this lack of feeling. We were good friends, and so after four years of dating, we finally married. He provided security, and I knew he loved me. But I still felt like I was marrying my brother. I didn't question the lack of attraction I felt for him. I thought, perhaps this is normal, perhaps this is what love is. And Perhaps those feelings will grow more intimate the longer we are together. He treated me very well, and so I thought I'd be an idiot to let him go. 

Almost 20 years later....

I'm still not attracted, I hate having sex, we haven't slept together for over 7 years because he snores like a freight train, and has bad flatulence both day and night. And his smoking is rotting his teeth. I can't stand to kiss him anymore. Take the kissing out, and the bond of sleeping together at night, what bond was once there, despite not being physically attracted to him....it's completely gone.

I finally told him a week ago, I love him, but can't be who he wants me to be. He has left. In my heart I feel great pain because I know what my words have done to him. But I felt so dead on the inside. Despite having kids and wanting to work this out, I'm tired of putting on the charade that everything is fine. I want a friend...a lover. He has never tried anything to fix his snoring, flatulence, his rotting teeth...his smoking. That tells me he doesn't have respect for himself. At 36, I have done everything under the sun to maintain physical health, and a nice smile because we cannot afford a dentist. Spiritually, physically, mentally, we have nothing in common anymore. I want us to leave as friends so that we can focus on our children and move on. 

Anybody here with advice. He has already packed his bags and left. I have not filed for divorce yet. However; this past week, I've had the best sleep ever. What does that mean?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Twenty years is too long to live with someone you don't love.
been there


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## Beth78 (Oct 12, 2014)

hookares said:


> Twenty years is too long to live with someone you don't love.
> been there



Please explain yourself. I'm in a very vulnerable place right now and I'm trying to understand my situation and how to handle it. You wrote "been there" 

Where are you now in this relationship? Are you still living with them? Did you separate? How long were you together? How do you deal with the guilt?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

She started cheating on me 4 months after the wedding. I know this by simple math in figuring when the son who wasn't fathered by me but was conceived after we married. It happened two years later but with a different guy. I was working twelve to sixteen hours a day trying to get a business up and running and didn't have the resources to keep an eye on her and feed her and the kids, too.
I won't bore everybody with the details, but I didn't find out until she handed me my walking papers along with a protection order.
Needless to say, but I am no longer with her.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Beth my marriage was out of guilt also, I knew during our engagement that I was making a mistake because the differences between us were becoming very obvious. BUT....because I had made a promise...because of not wanting to hurt our families...because we already had money invested in all the wedding plans....because I was already building our home....I felt obligated to marry her. The marriage lasted 20 years, the first few years may have been good years but then things became a struggle, for both of us, I will spare you the details.

I think what you are looking for with your post is validation that you are doing the right thing. All I can tell you is this, life should be fulfilling, life should be peaceful, life should be joyful, life should be about passions and pursuit of interest. Life is better single than married to someone who makes you unhappy. Staying in a bad marriage becomes a habit of endurance, breaking that habit is incredibly freeing and life becomes refreshing, something to enjoy once again.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i think to save up a few hundred dollars and take him in to the dentist for a whole work over, then buy him a pure sleep mouth guard:
https://puresleep.com/s30/homepage.php?adsrc=gkd+branded+search&gclid=COGM4KXXp8ECFc1Z7AodvEgAnw

then invite him back intothe bedroom for some wild sex of YOUR CHOOSING. 

See how that works out. Sounds like he was an excellent hubby for many years, with a few fixable nasty traits! 

I would not give up so soon.

The wild sex, even if you do not love him, might be enough. Sex cures all

AND for god's sake, dont feed him any more beans or cheese!!:rofl:


i think that finding yourself a single mom with a bunchof kids...is not going to be very pleasant for you. Try to get him back, unde rthe right conditions


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Beth78
In a relationship where one person is unhappy, neither is happy. I know it is painful, but leaving is actually better for BOTH of you. Each of you will have an opportunity to find someone you love and who loves you. 

20 years IS a long time. But 30 years is a longer time, as is 40 and 50. Both of you have long lives ahead of you, you each should find someone you love.


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## Beth78 (Oct 12, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Staying in a bad marriage becomes a habit of endurance, breaking that habit is incredibly freeing and life becomes refreshing, something to enjoy once again.


Were you both able to move on and find love again? Did she forgive you? Were you able to forgive yourself for putting on a charade for so long? 

We talked today. I can tell deep in his heart he feels it isn't over. Am I a mean person by dragging this on, thus giving him false hope? The changes he wants to make won't happen over night...it could take weeks...months. I don't know that I have it in me to drag this on much more. But at the same time, 20 years isn't something you just walk away from. That's why I'm so confused. I want to do what's fair, what's best for both of us.


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## Beth78 (Oct 12, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> i think to save up a few hundred dollars and take him in to the dentist for a whole work over, then buy him a pure sleep mouth guard:
> https://puresleep.com/s30/homepage.php?adsrc=gkd+branded+search&gclid=COGM4KXXp8ECFc1Z7AodvEgAnw
> 
> then invite him back intothe bedroom for some wild sex of YOUR CHOOSING.
> ...


I don't think you are realistic. His teeth are so bad, I'm imagining full extraction, dentures even. That will be thousands and thousands of dollars. We can barely afford to keep the lights on and the kids fed.


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

Is your husband overweight ? just a thought


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## Beth78 (Oct 12, 2014)

He is overweight by about maybe 30 to 40 pounds. In the past when he loses a little it does help his snoring. And he already knows this.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Stop. Just stop.

This isn't about his teeth, his flatulence, his weight, or his smoking. Those are scapegoats you're using to justify your feelings.

The truth is what you stated initially; you aren't in love with him, aren't attracted to him, and you never were. All those physical changes merely repulse you more, but saying that you felt like you were marrying your brother from the get go is damning enough.

You're in a sham of a marriage that you never should have entered into. You made a mistake. 20 years is more than enough time to be paying for mistakes of your youth. For his sake and your own, end it and move on. It's extremely cruel to all parties involved to string this along and make it about teeth and farting. That's cowardly and just absolutely wrong. Woman up and find the strength to move on with your life and let go of a "marriage" that barely ever was really one in the first place.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Beth78 said:


> Were you both able to move on and find love again? Did she forgive you? Were you able to forgive yourself for putting on a charade for so long?
> 
> We talked today. I can tell deep in his heart he feels it isn't over. Am I a mean person by dragging this on, thus giving him false hope? The changes he wants to make won't happen over night...it could take weeks...months. I don't know that I have it in me to drag this on much more. But at the same time, 20 years isn't something you just walk away from. That's why I'm so confused. I want to do what's fair, what's best for both of us.


Truth be told my ex wife made the first move toward divorce, I found out she had talked with an attorney and after that I pushed our divorce thru as quickly as possible. 

As for the forgiveness part...If she would have been honest and just said "hey, I don't want to be married anymore" things would have been fine, I was on the very same page. The problem is she turned things ugly having several affairs and running up charge cards and then walking away from her parenting responsibilities. Essentially she cashed out and left me and the kids so she could move in with her boyfriend and have a new family, behavior that's very hard to forgive. 

Still...what's done is done....she will never be my friend but there's no sense creating drama, life goes on and the kids and I ended up having a much happier home.


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