# Long Term Impotence



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Anyone out there trying to figure a way to make things work with long term impotence?

As a background I'm 40, had battles with ED for 14 years now. It's to the point where the meds rarely work at all. I've gone to multiple doctors. Basically nobody can give me a reason. I have read up on the topic of how it could relate to cardiovascular issues but it's been such a long term problem now without the heart issues I am thinking that may not be the case. If I had to guess a reason, I took finasteride for hair loss prevention starting around 21 or so. I have not taken it in years now in hopes of curing the issue but I have read many accounts where, unlike the original warnings, side effects may not be reversable.

As far as my marriage, my wife has known I had these issues since we started dating. We've been together 8 years now. Actually my drive was always more than hers. While my issues frustrated me, in some ways I guess her lower drive helped her get over this. She never makes me feel bad about it in any way. 

The main issue is we have a sexless marriage. I blame the impotence at least partially but I also feel we could do other things. I think this issue along with her lower drive have aided getting us into this spot. Our sex always was scheduled in that for me to perform at all I had to plan ahead and take a pill. That led to spontaneous or just in the mood situations being off the table. My wife will allude to sex now and then but she's never been an initiator at all and I really think gets by fine without. She doesn't find it too odd that we may not have sex for a couple months or a few months at the time because we have kids and are busy with work. I don't feel that way though. I find it odd, even with my condition that we aren't intimate more often.

I guess I'm just kind of at a loss. I was wondering if anyone else out there has a similar situation and how they deal with it. There are days it's immensely frustrating and unsatisfying yet there are others where I believe that my wife's low drive and lack of concern are why the rest of the marriage is good outside of this issue.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

We have a similar situation here. DH has battled low T/ED for about as long as you. I have been supportive and understanding about it but my recent posts might give a different story. I have always been supportive of his frustration just not his lack of action recently. I have had to be demanding of go see a doctor, go get tests, exercise, diet, supplements, etc. He doesn't know what may be causing the low T and he needs to get underlying conditions ruled out. He has finally started doing these things. He just got a prescription for the pills and having some success with them but I also know there are a lot of men that after awhile the pills don't work.

I am the HD one in the marriage. Many times the sexless relationship between us were mutual but for me it was emotional. We do get along great outside the bedroom but I really needed the intimacy too. 

We are currently trying to figure out a balance. We know that the actual intercourse needs to be scheduled just because of the pills but how to figure out spontaneous play and filling up the attention meter without intercourse.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Rick3;

You say that 'the meds rarely work at all'. I assume you're talking about ED meds, cialis, viagra, levitra.

Have you tried them all?

Maybe switching or alternating them might work.
A lot of posters as well as some ED forum websites suggest natural testosterone boosters such as arginine and others.

I have periodic ED. meaning it works 85% of the time, but go through some days, or periods when it just doesn't want to work, so I really sympathize.

then you have to take stock of your fitness. some men say weightlifting helps. haven't tried it yet but if mine got worse I would.

BTW, there are some ED specific forums out there that discuss in detail nothing but that. worth checking out. just google 'ED forum' and you will find several.

BTW, I think it's crappy that your drs. won't address your ED better.

sound like you have a good wife.

oneedge; you are a good wife. there is nothing worse for ED than a wife/gf who doesn't sympathize or support their partner in ED.

a man's performance is very psychological as well as physical.

one last question: do you ever get morning wood?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"We are currently trying to figure out a balance. We know that the actual intercourse needs to be scheduled just because of the pills but how to figure out spontaneous play and filling up the attention meter without intercourse." oneedge

A good makeout session on the couch and some mutual stimulation is almost as good as sex! helps when you have a pretty wife too!!!


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

I actually have tried both Viagra and Cialis. Cialis worked better for me, as in occasionally. I never have morning wood.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> A good makeout session on the couch and some mutual stimulation is almost as good as sex! helps when you have a pretty wife too!!!


:iagree:

I couldn't agree more! *Intimacy* is what is needed to keep a relationship strong, and there are many ways to achieve intimacy besides intercourse.

I've said it over and over, probably sound like a broken record, but I think deep kissing and making out are just about as sexual as it gets. Mind you, my SO doesn't have any erection issues so maybe it's easier for me to think this way.

Some of the best "sex" we've ever had didn't involve intercourse at all. Be creative. Start kissing. Touching. Exploring her body with your mouth, your hands. Massage each other with oil. Talk dirty.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Rick3 said:


> I actually have tried both Viagra and Cialis. Cialis worked better for me, as in occasionally. I never have morning wood.


you need to get at the root of the problem.
I assume you've had testosterone levels checked. if not do so.
almost 100% sure your T levels are low if no morning wood.

you've got to attack the problem from this angle. get the levels checked just to be sure, then try all the natural supplements there are out there after some research. try exercise and weightlifting.
not to become a jock, just to boost your T. 2-3 times a week.
keep it light at the begining.........see if it helps.

after that, if nothing is working, then you'll have to look into prescribed T therapy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

oh, and you'll have to find some drs. that take this seriously.
no excuse for lazy drs. usually urologists, but im assuming it doesn't have to be.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

why do you bother to get a medical degree if your not willing to help??

makes me so damn mad.....


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I agree Jorgegene about shop around doctors. We have had some horrible luck but are now with one that at least willing to look. We will see how far she is willing to help. I am surprised how many doctors just look at a patient and say lose weight and exercise but not willing to even look at any underlying problems. 

Right now we are working on our diet and exercise. I had to become nagging and demanding with him. I hate being that way since it goes so against my nature but talking and coaxing wasn't working. I have had some negative feedback from posters that I am being too controlling and pushy about all this. That I might be making him feel worse and therefore should be gentle and encouraging. I feel the best thing I could do is make it front and center and 100% honest. I don't want to wait until he has a heart attack since this is where it is heading and then wish I had been more pushy. I just told him that we are going to do this, we are going to do this now, and if I have to be controlling to make these changes then so be it. My gut tells me that once he starts feeling better about himself he will take control back.

We have been working on a sort of plan where expectations with intimacy are clearly understood by both of us. I am not insatiable high drive just higher than his. Right now there is just a lot tweaking being done until we get a balance that feels good. I have had to find a way to be the least criticizing but brutally honest. It isn't easy and I make certain my misses are discussed too. This isn't all about him. Right now he thinks I have sex on the brain because of all the talking I do but I am also noticing he starting to take initiative more often.

Some of the things we have been trying are Wednesday message night. We switch out every week whose turn it is. If the receiver want to umm finish it off then we do but no intercourse. A little more play like squeeze by and bump up against each other in the kitchen or a little pat and run in the grocery store when the aisle is empty. A little more flashing when we are getting ready for work or whispered naughty talk when others are around. A little more facing each other while talking and rubbing outer thighs or hands or arms. Sometimes we will put on some soft porn on the computer or tv and be arm chair critiques and laugh at them. Sometimes he will come up behind me while cooking and give me a big hug and ask what bra am I wearing today and sometimes I will open a few buttons and let him peek. Push him down on the bed and sit on him...do a little grind and tell him what I would like to do to him...then walk away. 

These things I crave more than intercourse and a big O. The playing and flirting. I told him quickies can just mean in the moment and not necessarily having an ultimate ending. Playing and flirting wasn't something we were doing a few months ago and is taking a concentrated effort to feel natural. We are gaining ground the more we do the unexpected.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My husband has had ED and low t count problems for around 10 years now. His Dr think it's related to his diabetes, being overweight and hypertention. He is losing weight and is looking into getting shots. He has tried the pills with no luck. He has real doubts he will every be able to get an erection again.

I agree that being intimate in other ways in important. While he will kiss, hug and cuddle with me he doesn't like getting too intimate because it's too frustrating for him because he can't complete the act. That means our clothes must be on, no French kissing and not a lot of touching. This part frustrates me more than not being to have intercourse. I wasn't LD when we first got married but I think I have become that over this years as we had less sex and eventually no sex. It's probably a way to cope with the situation like your wife. 

I think your wife is just a typical LD spouse, and would probably be this way even if you weren't impotenent. If you have read this board there is a lot of them out there and most of them are the wives. Sounds like your going to have to be the instigator if you want sex.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Consider getting the tri-mix shots.

There is almost no way you can't get an erection and it happens fast and lasts for up to 2 hours.

I'm a believer!


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Rick3 said:


> There are days it's immensely frustrating and unsatisfying yet there are others where I believe that my wife's low drive and lack of concern are why the rest of the marriage is good outside of this issue.


I understand everything you are talking about very clearly. I do not suffer from impotence but am a divorced man and believe that sex is reserved for the sanctity of marriage. What I wanted to say is that men and women do think differently on this issue. If you have a good marriage outside of this issue it isn't necessarily because your wife has a low sex drive. I could definitely see how the lack of sexual intimacy can make you feel like you are missing a big part of marriage. Have the two of you spoken openly about this? Have you seen a counselor? Open and honest communication is the gateway to intimacy. Letting her know about your frustration seems like a good place to start. Also, she may be hesitant to initiate because she is concerned that this would put you in a difficult spot (i.e. - not being able to perform) and end up making you feel worse. If you let her know you long for intimacy even if it doesn't lead to intercourse could free her to be more expressive. Hope things turn around for you. Blessings!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Can you not just initiate more often and see what happens? What do you do to see if you can get your wife in the mood to have a play around?

My husband has ED so intercourse has to be planned. He is also the LD partner, which makes things a bit tiresome sometimes. In that I would like to be pursued but instead it is me banging on about him needing to take the little blue pill.

However we do have a fair amount of action without intercourse. Mostly because I just throw myself upon him and he is usually happy to oblige. In actual fact the sessions where he hasn't taken his pill are much more satisfying for me, but I have not told him this because I don't want to deflate him and kill his desire for intercourse completely. 

If your wife is LD and sex just isn't on her radar, then you need to get it there. If she uses your ED as an excuse then you need to sit her down and have a chat about how you want cuddles and intimacy regardless of the ED.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It takes a real man to deal with ED issues.

By that I mean when things are working fine, you just naturally feel good about yourself as a man and have high confidence and good ego.

But when things aren't working, then it takes a real man to step up and realize that sex cannot just stop. A marriage is a two way street and you've got to take care of your wife any way you can.
If it means pills, then do pills. If it means losing weight or exercising or supplements, do that.

A real man will step up to the plate and not avoid his wife.

I'm not even talking about myself. I've got work to do. Fortunately, I don't have a real problem yet, but I'm in my late 50's, I know the day is coming when it will be an issue.

I hope I'm man enough not to pout and avoid my wife.
I hope I can step up to the plate.

Kudos to the men that hit the problem head on. They're real men and good husbands.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> you need to get at the root of the problem.
> I assume you've had testosterone levels checked. if not do so.
> almost 100% sure your T levels are low if no morning wood.
> 
> ...


I actually had T levels checked way back when this first occurred and had normal levels. They really can't give me any answer for it. The only thing I can come up with is the finasteride use. While that wasn't supposed to cause permanent side effects there are many online now who are stating that in fact it did for them. I think the side effects aren't nearly as temporary and reversible as they first stated.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> My husband has had ED and low t count problems for around 10 years now. His Dr think it's related to his diabetes, being overweight and hypertention. He is losing weight and is looking into getting shots. He has tried the pills with no luck. He has real doubts he will every be able to get an erection again.
> 
> I agree that being intimate in other ways in important. While he will kiss, hug and cuddle with me he doesn't like getting too intimate because it's too frustrating for him because he can't complete the act. That means our clothes must be on, no French kissing and not a lot of touching. This part frustrates me more than not being to have intercourse. I wasn't LD when we first got married but I think I have become that over this years as we had less sex and eventually no sex. It's probably a way to cope with the situation like your wife.
> 
> I think your wife is just a typical LD spouse, and would probably be this way even if you weren't impotenent. If you have read this board there is a lot of them out there and most of them are the wives. Sounds like your going to have to be the instigator if you want sex.


I agree with you totally about my wife being LD as well. I think if I were fully healthy I'd have more an issue with this. I think the reason it's not an issue so much for us now is it doesn't really matter.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

WolverineFan said:


> I understand everything you are talking about very clearly. I do not suffer from impotence but am a divorced man and believe that sex is reserved for the sanctity of marriage. What I wanted to say is that men and women do think differently on this issue. If you have a good marriage outside of this issue it isn't necessarily because your wife has a low sex drive. I could definitely see how the lack of sexual intimacy can make you feel like you are missing a big part of marriage. Have the two of you spoken openly about this? Have you seen a counselor? Open and honest communication is the gateway to intimacy. Letting her know about your frustration seems like a good place to start. Also, she may be hesitant to initiate because she is concerned that this would put you in a difficult spot (i.e. - not being able to perform) and end up making you feel worse. If you let her know you long for intimacy even if it doesn't lead to intercourse could free her to be more expressive. Hope things turn around for you. Blessings!


Thanks! We have discussed it. I told her that even outside of my issues we aren't what I'd consider "normal". She disagrees about that and says people don't have sex as often as I think. She knows this friend or that friend and they say it's rare for them. I don't think she openly talks with them about exact timing or anything and it's just her perception. She thinks because we are mid-late 30s now and have two kids that it's not unusual for people in our situation with kids and careers. I mean once every 3 months or so seems ridiculous to me, but maybe that's just me. I know if I were fully functioning this wouldn't work for me. As is, it's not really an issue.


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## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Can you not just initiate more often and see what happens? What do you do to see if you can get your wife in the mood to have a play around?
> 
> My husband has ED so intercourse has to be planned. He is also the LD partner, which makes things a bit tiresome sometimes. In that I would like to be pursued but instead it is me banging on about him needing to take the little blue pill.
> 
> ...


I'm guilty of this as well. I don't initiate as much as I should but my wife never initiates. When I say never, it isn't an exaggeration. I either do it or it doesn't happen. Over time, it's gotten to where in addition to having the issues and having to always be the initiator I have just let it go. It's pretty obvious she's a low drive person and it's not that she refuses to do it, it's just like a she can take it or leave it type thing. Knowing that it's not very encouraging.

Also I should state that she takes Zoloft. I know this inhibits drive in women so I'm sure part of it is that.

I'd be fine with sessions without actual intercourse. I love playing around otherwise and would really be more than happy with that.


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