# Wife not affectionate



## FeelingAloneinCT (Dec 6, 2017)

I’m new to this forum so I’m sure this isn’t a new problem to most, but I’m not sure what to do. My wife and I have been together just over 10 years (married 8) and have two young school age kids together. Up until child #2, our sex life was pretty decent. Since my wife became pregnant with child #2 (about 5 years ago), there was certainly a noticed decrease in her sex drive. We’ve had talks (and even some outright blow outs, which I’ll admit, I’ve not always the most tactful). It’d range from me asking every couple of nights to me not asking for 10-14 days. 

About a year ago, we had a good, productive talk about this in which she said she would make more of an effort and she did...as did I. Since our good productive talk, I’ve taken on more responsibility with chores, do all the cleaning inside/out of the house, take care of all financials, dropped weight (I’m in the best shape of my life), and probably most importantly, taken a lot more responsibility with helping out with our children. But then this summer came around and she’s not only lost interest in sex, she’s not wanting to give any affection to anyone other than the kids (and even with them, she’s becoming more visibly annoyed with them). 

We both have good, stable jobs. Theres never been any issue with infidelity. I’ve done everything she has asked me to do (and kept doing it for the last year). I am a better person than I was last year. But it’s not working anymore and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I have no idea what to do. Is it time I seek a marriage counselor?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Yes.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is bad and selfish.
The selfish person can be female or male.

The fact that she would get 'mad' about her husband wanting intimacy, needing release, has always baffled me.
This is so cruel. So selfish, so flippantly, patently damaging to a marriage. 
What is this person thinking? She must harbor resentment for you and is demonstrating it by denying you love.

Eventually, you will need to tell her that you do not want to be 'forcibly celibate' for the rest of your life.
If she does not care, then tell her you do not care.
Care to remain married to an ice cube.

Does she suffer from depression?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Irritation with the kids suggests it isn't necessarily about you. Men can sometimes get so wrapped up with the sex that they forget about the big picture.

Is your wife having any issues at work or in her life? If she's got other things going on she may get irritated by what she sees as one more demand on her.

Remember that men feel love through sex, but for women sex is more complicated.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could be a general depression?


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## FeelingAloneinCT (Dec 6, 2017)

She definitely isn't loving her work life right now, so I'm sure that's some of it. But that doesn't really explain the previous 4.5 years. If something is going on, I want to help her first. But she's pretty open with things.....except for feelings. She's honest about pretty much everything but not always about how she is.


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## FeelingAloneinCT (Dec 6, 2017)

I just have no idea how I can get her to open up to me...and that's why I wonder if its time to get someone else involved.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How long are willing to push a rope?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Counseling can be beneficial since she might not feel as defensive when hearing your side. When you're explaining your thoughts to the counselor, it's easier for her to hear what you're saying rather than when you're speaking directly to her. Sometimes when you talk directly to her, she might feel more personally attacked. The counselor can also help pick out things that need to be worked on in the relationship.

The important thing is that she needs to understand that intimacy needs to be part of a marriage. If she doesn't feel like it, she needs to understand that's a problem and she should work towards a solution. You can also explain that you can't see going forward in a marriage if it doesn't have intimacy. Regardless of what should be done, emotionally you can't live like that.

Your situation is not unique. This happens to a lot of couples. How they handle it determines if the marriage is successful. If she understands it a problem, wants to fix it, wants to find a solution, etc., then that's a good sign. But if she does stuff like shuts down, calls you a sex addict, says it's up to you to fix, blames you for everything, then that's not a very good sign for the future. If it's the bad case, you're going to be better off getting divorced sooner rather than spend decades without affection hoping one day she'll let you do something as simple as press your arm next to hers in bed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Irritation with the kids suggests it isn't necessarily about you. Men can sometimes get so wrapped up with the sex that they forget about the big picture.
> 
> Is your wife having any issues at work or in her life? If she's got other things going on she may get irritated by what she sees as one more demand on her.
> 
> Remember that men feel love through sex, but for women sex is more complicated.


Sigh...

I am with you, girl.

Lilith


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Irritation with the kids suggests it isn't necessarily about you. Men can sometimes get so wrapped up with the sex that they forget about the big picture.
> 
> Is your wife having any issues at work or in her life? If she's got other things going on she may get irritated by what she sees as one more demand on her.
> 
> Remember that men feel love through sex, but for women sex is more complicated.


Some women also feel love through sex as men do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If work is stressing her out, on top of kids, then that will definitely affect her libido.

The wrong kinds of things are on her mind. Too much work saturating the brain means no room for sexy thoughts. She got to manage the work stress to make room for balance in her life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Satya said:


> If work is stressing her out, on top of kids, then that will definitely affect her libido.
> 
> The wrong kinds of things are on her mind. Too much work saturating the brain means no room for sexy thoughts. She got to manage the work stress to make room for balance in her life.


Concur.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Satya said:


> If work is stressing her out, on top of kids, then that will definitely affect her libido.
> 
> The wrong kinds of things are on her mind. Too much work saturating the brain means no room for sexy thoughts. She got to manage the work stress to make room for balance in her life.


I don't think there's much to debate in this analysis.

However, there will be plenty of debate about how exactly he should handle it. 

Until she is ready to set aside such thoughts, he might as well be pissing in the wind.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Satya said:
> 
> 
> > If work is stressing her out, on top of kids, then that will definitely affect her libido.
> ...


Yes. As an adult, it is up to her to manage her life, stress, and the kind of relationship she is providing her husband. It's up to him to communicate what isn't working for him, but it's up to her to be a good partner *if she wants to*. That means managing herself/life and showing up as a partner to her spouse.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

FeelingAloneinCT said:


> Since our good productive talk, I’ve taken on more responsibility with chores, do all the cleaning inside/out of the house, take care of all financials, dropped weight (I’m in the best shape of my life), and probably most importantly, taken a lot more responsibility with helping out with our children.


Wait, you're doing all the cleaning inside and outside of the house? All of it? What does she do?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Once you rule out some medical issue, outside work stressors and/or an affair then I suggest you do the following:

Try one more time. Do it romantic, however she normally likes it. Make the move and if you get rejected again, tell her you don't appreciate the rejection, this isn't how good marriages work and spend the night in the guest room. Don't beg, don't pester her, and don't whine. Just leave. 

Next morning stop doing all the extra work around the house that you took on at the beginning of the year. Keep doing the stuff for your kids. Stuff for her...don't do jack. She can make her own breakfast. Be cordial but aloof. 

When she complains or asks you to do something, shrug or tell her no and go do something else that you want to do. If she won't prioritize your needs then you shouldn't prioritize hers. It's really quite simple. Don't talk about it, don't whine about it, just do it.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

OP, wives are typically not very good at compartmentalizing their roles in life. She is likely in mommy mode and cannot break out of it. Her roles as mommy, worker, wife, etc are all wrapped together and she likely cannot separate those roles in her mind. You end up just being another needy person in her life. As her husband you have to break her out of it when she is with you. Make her feel sexy, make her feel desired, make her feel appreciated. She has to feel all those things come from you and only you. Take her on dates often, take her to new restaurants and new places, share new experiences with her, pay for her beautification including clothes makeup hair nails etc 
Her mommy mode needs to be saved for when she is dealing with the children, when she is with you she has to feel like a wife/lover/friend. If you are not making her feel like that daily, then your sex life suffers. 
Try just being closer friends with her, talk more, go to lunch or breakfast alone together on a Saturday morning if you cannot get out at night. 

Try this on weeknights, watch TV or movies together after the kids go to sleep, talk to her about how things are going at work or home, she will likely have a million things to spew about kids and work but you just be a good listener while holding her hand or rubbing her feet or just cuddling on the couch. After all the emotional diarrhea is out of her mind, and she is clearly thinking, and when it feels right then go in for a kiss. Make your moves on her. Her mind will be clear from having got all her emotional daily baggage out and she might be able to actually be receptive to your caresses and cuddles and kisses and have sex with you. You have spent the whole night hanging out and talking, while cuddling and touching her, she will be much more likely to want to have sex than if you each had not talked much all night.

You have needs, she has needs, it is up to the both of you to be there how the other wants. She likely does not just want to get off sexually like you do, and that is a good thing really. It makes you a better husband to get to talk with your wife more and have a true friendship with her. 

If you are really being attentive and a true friend to her, if you are telling her she is pretty and flirting with her and taking her out on date nights and treating her well, treating her like a woman, and she still does not want to open up sexually, try counseling. If that does not work, you may need to decide if you want to be forced into celibacy or leave.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

FeelingAloneinCT said:


> .....asking (for sex and affection?) every couple of nights to me not asking for 10-14 days.....I’ve taken on more responsibility with chores, do all the cleaning inside/out of the house, take care of all financials.....I’ve done everything she has asked me to do


There's your problem, dude. There's men who do this, and men women want to have sex with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Irritation with the kids suggests it isn't necessarily about you. Men can sometimes get so wrapped up with the sex that they forget about the big picture.
> 
> Is your wife having any issues at work or in her life? If she's got other things going on she may get irritated by what she sees as one more demand on her.
> 
> Remember that men feel love through sex, but for women sex is more complicated.


sigh... I hope you are not saying that this is acceptable?

They are married the fact that it isn't about him is a big problem. He is her husband, she has a responsibility as much to him as she does to the kids. He is the one who is reaching out the her. If she is overwhelmed or whatever the reason she should try to help solve it, not act irritated. He is not changing the rules she is. Like you just said he feels love through sex. So she is doing him, her marriage and herself grave damage by neglecting this. 

For example many women feel love through emotional communication, if a wife complained on here that her husband comes home and acted irritated him when she was trying to emotionally connect with him no one here would dare say, "Your husband is busy with work and is tired him acting that way has nothing to do with you." Sorry that wouldn't cut it. Again in this case he has stepped up. 

I will turn this around and say that women sometimes get wrapped up in being a mother and forget that their marital relationship should be the primary one in her life. It's the one that the family flows through. Sex is a big part of that relationship. If she is overwhelmed with the kids she needs to be an adult and tell him, they can get a sitter or pool their time more. The answer is not to take it out on him and use him as a outlet for her frustration. 

He is not wrong here, she is. We need to start expecting more from people both men and women when it comes to providing for their spouses. Being tired and overwhelmed is not a good enough reason. Not if you haven't said you are tired or overwhelmed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FeelingAloneinCT said:


> I’m new to this forum so I’m sure this isn’t a new problem to most, but I’m not sure what to do. My wife and I have been together just over 10 years (married 8) and have two young school age kids together. Up until child #2, our sex life was pretty decent. Since my wife became pregnant with child #2 (about 5 years ago), there was certainly a noticed decrease in her sex drive. We’ve had talks (and even some outright blow outs, which I’ll admit, I’ve not always the most tactful). It’d range from me asking every couple of nights to me not asking for 10-14 days.
> 
> About a year ago, we had a good, productive talk about this in which she said she would make more of an effort and she did...as did I. Since our good productive talk, I’ve taken on more responsibility with chores, do all the cleaning inside/out of the house, take care of all financials, dropped weight (I’m in the best shape of my life), and probably most importantly, taken a lot more responsibility with helping out with our children. But then this summer came around and she’s not only lost interest in sex, she’s not wanting to give any affection to anyone other than the kids (and even with them, she’s becoming more visibly annoyed with them).
> 
> We both have good, stable jobs. Theres never been any issue with infidelity. I’ve done everything she has asked me to do (and kept doing it for the last year). I am a better person than I was last year. But it’s not working anymore and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I have no idea what to do. Is it time I seek a marriage counselor?


I hate to say it but check your phone records. Check her texts. Sorry been on these sites too long.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> I don't think there's much to debate in this analysis.
> 
> However, there will be plenty of debate about how exactly he should handle it.
> 
> Until she is ready to set aside such thoughts, he might as well be pissing in the wind.


Agree without a doubt. It's her responsibility.

She shouldn't have to be told, but I'm guilty of getting "work brain" at times and value a wake up call from Odo every now and then.

Has she had a come to Jesus talk?


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

OP make sure you are doing your part in your relationship, being there for her as a partner and support. It is not about housework, that does not matter, that does not get her in the mood. How much fun are you having together and how much you connect mentally and conversationally is much more important. Lots of time and talking and laughing and dreaming together. If you are doing your part then something might be the matter with her to not respond physically once her emotional needs are met. 
When you are meeting her needs emotionally you do not ask for sex you make your moves and make love to her. Or she will make her moves on you. I cannot believe it when men say they ask their wives for sex only to be denied. Of course you are denied.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Yes. As an adult, it is up to her to manage her life, stress, and the kind of relationship she is providing her husband. It's up to him to communicate what isn't working for him, but it's up to her to be a good partner *if she wants to*. That means managing herself/life and showing up as a partner to her spouse.


Amen!

He also has to decide if her lack of effort, requires him to pursue other "end results".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FeelingAloneinCT said:


> I just have no idea how I can get her to open up to me...and that's why I wonder if its time to get someone else involved.


Tell her you heard about a book that's going to improve y'all's marriage and you're going to get it and you want her to read it with you. Bring home His Needs Her Needs and start reading it out loud with her. Stop at each opportunity to talk about what it's saying. It might start drawing out her feelings on things. Make sure NOT to comment on her feelings. It has to be a safe environment.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would think there is something she likes or wants, stop it suddenly. You want to have a fight and then discuss the sex, in the context of the rest of your relationship. She needs to understand you cannot be unhappy, and have a happy marriage. It sounds like you have been a nice and understanding guy and its gotten you nowhere.


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