# She needed a break



## heartbrokefarmer (Nov 26, 2010)

I am new to this but after reading these forums I have found some hope. My wife of 8 years told me she was moving out and we were separating on Oct 27th. we've been together since Feb of 01. I am 35 and she will be 31 in a week. She said she was emotionally drained. Not as in love with me anymore. I didn't see it coming. Only a couple of her friends knew she was thinking about it. 2 days later she said she would be willing to work on things with me after she figured out out what she wants. I do not think there is another man. 
The problems started somewhat with my parents. I farm with them and they built a new house when we were married so we would have a house to call home. Also they told us they would work on transitioning the farm over to us. That never happened and they started saying stuff like they would never sell it to us because my wife is a gold digger and she just wants half the farm. I farm sevaral hundred acres on my own. No financial ties to them. We live in there house and I supply labor and some machinery in exchange. 
I also found out about a week after she left she feels emotionally abused. I looked it up and it made me sick when i realized that maybe I was abusive. I started therapy immediately and want to fix this. I am a little insecure and yes I have said some things and often ask her a lot of questions when she goes out. More so with her new friends from work that I really dont know. Like I said I want this to stop. I didnt even know i was doing it. Although she did point it out to me many times. I never took her seriously. My dad is terrible to my mom and I always said I would never be that way.
So basically my wife moved out 2 weeks ago. I gave her money for rent and security. I gave her money for a new bed and she took some furniture from home. All part of different sets we have bought together for Christmas instead of a bunch of small gifts. I also gave her money to open her own checking account and last week bought new tires for her suv. I helped her move out as hard as it was. She has a good job and altough its not a huge paycheck the benefits are priceless. I have some health problems and my meds are very expensive. We did not file separation papers. I trust her . She is on our joint checking and credit cards. Hasn't used them at all. I did point out we are married and we have to keep our bills paid . We finally have good credit after starting with less than nothing 10 years ago. 
The only thing Ive done wrong since she left is constantly calling and texting the 1st 3 weeks. And talking to her friends and family looking for answers after she told me to stop. I found out she might be checking phone records from her friend. She asked me to pay phones, her suv payment and car insurance. 
When I asked her last week if i should have hope she said look around. Most of her stuff is here and if she didnt think we had a chance she would've filed papers. She did say she is going with me to my cousins wedding in 2 weeks with me. Unless she changes her mind. I think that meant if I give her her space she asked for until then. I am going to keep going to therapy and told her I am more than ready to move out of the house on the farm and will commute back and forth so she can be closer to her work. She was driving 50 miles one way. this is getting very long. I have more info if needed. I just want some hope to keep going while I wait for her to "find herself"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you stop looking so needy, and show her that you can move on with or with out her. Something about showing them how confident their men are, turns them around. For me I was torn up and just wanted to die, but I'll never let my W know that. What I did was simply tell her that I loved her and that I needed to work on my self for right now. No pleading or begging. I remember the look in her eye when I teared up, I knew then she was looking for strength, not weakness. 

With my own actions, she saw the confident man she had married 19 years ago. I couldnt change her or control her, alls I could do is change me, that is someting I do have control over. I think it scaries them when they see that we can live with or with out them, it takes away there control and makes them figure out things sooner. Kinda like "I have him he'll be around" or " he'll aways be there" I know this grap is tough as hell but show her your strong enough.

Good luck


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont want say, ahh, what she did was ok. i want to say [this is from one who would be homeless before i live with mil] i would have left also. she might be hidding things from you about how they are treating your wife when you are not around.

i did the same thing to my h i hid how my mother treated me, when we were younger and had no choice but to live with her. and it was the very start of us dividing. 

but he didnt know why, but he knew something was up. your parents dont sound like they like your w and they prb tear her down when you are gone.

and if they keep going back on their words, then you are being held "hostage". you feel like your being taken advantage of(?) and it could be flowing to your wife and comming out in anger and restment. and she could be doing the same thing.

what can yoou do to resolve the situation of living with your parents?


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## heartbrokefarmer (Nov 26, 2010)

Yes I feel like a hostage here. My parents have said some things we will never forgive them for. My wife knows I say I will move off the farm now but she has asked several times before and I blew it off. I can not afford to move out right now as I am helping my wife with some of her bills as well as my own. And we have 2 large dogs that need the room here to run. The things that bother me are my W saying she got married at 22 and not knowing right now if she wants to be tied down. She has a couple new friends that recently divorced and that almost seems when she decided to leave. She seems to be going to a bar near her new apt. 2 or 3 nights a week. My best friend says cut her off and file papers. My other friends that are also her friends say its tough love. Her moving out is my wake up call. I dont know if anybody knows. I dont even know if my wife knows. But I refuse to give up hope. Will this going out and being free get old? I know our marriage might have been in a rut. But she never really had much interest in going out partying till now?


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## heartbrokefarmer (Nov 26, 2010)

Well today she came back to the farm and I put new brakes on her suv. She took our truck to town to run some errands. when she comes back we have some bookwork to catch up on then were going to dinner. I asked her how long we were gonna drag this out. Her reply was she wasnt sure how long it will take. Then asked her which way things were leaning. She said both. She said if I get off her back and give her the space things could be good. But if I keep pushing she said no way in hell. So after dinner I will watch her drive away for 11 days until the wedding or if she calls me. Its gonna be tough but not as tough as losing her forever.


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