# and now... menopause...



## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

OK, ladies, I need to know what I'm in for.

I'm fairly new to TAM and haven't posted much of my story but let me just say that the past 9 months (exactly to today) has seen my marriage collapse to the brink of divorce and rebound to a very slow, painful reconciliation. My wife has admitted to numerous one-night-stands on business trips over the past eight years of our sixteen year marriage. She had a PA/EA last Spring while away for several months on business and carried on a long distance EA for several months after that. Last August she found the courage to tell me she wanted out of the marriage. I was, of course, blindsided, knowing that she suffered from depression but I had no idea regarding her feelings towards the marriage, me or her affairs. Somehow we've managed to stay together. She regrets her actions, but true remorse seems to be lost in the fog. We're both pretty emotionally distant and talking about our feelings is difficult for us. We are attending marriage counseling. She is also attending individual counseling. Progress is very, very slow. Almost to the point of just maintaining a status quo. We get along well--always have--but closeness and intimacy is still rare.

While we were trying to reconcile I lost my job. My unemployment was surprisingly brief and I've now started a new job which is... OK but nothing to write home about. Once we learned that I was losing my job, my wife started to apply for jobs in her field and was offered a position in Boston (about 700 miles away from where we now live). 

We (well, I) had always assumed that we would eventually move for her career and that would be the time for me to make a career shift from one in which I am totally burned out (computer stuff) to something that thoroughly engages me (though much lower paying). I've been working towards a Master's degree in my desired field and I'm one course away from completing the program. But still, it's a pretty low paying field. We've both made the assumption that we're selling the house and making the move but I certainly have some reservations because of the expense of Boston and the state of our relationship. This move will certainly put greater emotional and financial strain on us. To be honest, I don't see that she can turn down the job. That would stop her career in its tracks. And it's not a bad location for what I want to do. 

Now the latest twist in the tale: For the past few weeks my wife has been stating that she feels like she's losing her mind, forgetting things and just generally out of sorts (like I'd be able to tell, HA!). She's had some 'female issues'. She underwent surgery for uterine fibroids a number of years ago. We have no children. Her gynecologist said last week that she may be pre-menopausal. ... OK .... being a guy, that doesn't mean much to me. My concept of menopause means that the woman is going to go bat-s**t crazy for the next couple of years. Sure. That'll help.

What can I really expect? I'm really not sure how much more stress 'We' can take.

TIA


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Voyager - Rough seas ahead!!!!!!

Sorry - couldn't resist! It's hard to say what you can expect because every woman is different. I would google menopause and read up on it. For your sake, I hope your journey is not near as fun (cough) as mine has been.

I can understand why you would be concerned though. What a rough marriage. I have to give you credit for hanging in as far as you have. She does not seem to make it easy for you. Good luck and I hope your future voyage takes a more pleasant path for you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm pre-menopausal and it's terrible! However I'm not taking it lying down so I'm fighting it with everything I can (diet, exercise, reducing stress, supplements, etc.) At the moment I'm okay my changes are working. Not a quick fix but I'm seeing each month is better than the last.

But in the absense of these type changes OH MY GOSH I can only imagine. My gyn even gave me a script for a low dose anti-depressant for that 8-10 days when I'm at my worst. My plan is to not need it but it's here if I do.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Voyager:
I am through the menopause and I will not tell you what I had done due to estrogen levels and MLC garbage, but I will tell you that you may be in for a bumpy ride. However, this too shall pass. You seem to be doing all the right things, counseling, research and reaching out to others. I know I was emotionally vulnerable, erratic at times and angry for no apparent reasons. Nothing comforted me but I was also with someone that never knew how. If you do, kudos to you and your wife. I think, in my humble opinion, that that will go a long way: holding the hand of the person you want to stay with. Just think: it may not be that bad and yours may be down the road and she'll stand by you as you stood by her.
Good Luck!


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Thank you for the responses, ladies.

Sometimes it just seems like we'll be getting our feet under us and then some other turmoil hits and one of us or the other is back to square one. Almost like Madame Fate is trying to tell us something....

For me, it's a difficult path to walk between patience and righteousness. 

@Mary35, That's quite all right. That's precisely why I chose 'Voyager' as a user name. I've come to look at life as a journey and I've often felt buffeted by rough seas the past year. I swear I'm going to get a tattoo of a compass rose and a sailing ship on my chest so that each morning when I see myself in the mirror I'm reminded to check my bearings in life and see where I'm at. 

@Magnoliagal: Oh, gosh, thing is my wife is so distant from her emotions. I'm afraid I won't know if the fog is lifting or if it's menopause talking. Maybe a bit more emotional expression on her part (whatever the reason) will be a good thing. I'm not too sure how much undeserved anger I'm willing to tolerate, though. Some days are good. Some, not so much.

@Sparkles422: Thanks. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not, to be honest. I think I'm finally on firm ground for my own emotional health but I'm never sure where she is or where WE are going. 

Well, whoever said life was easy?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I must be crazy! I am definitely peri-menopausal. I had my uterus out for fibroids on my adenomyosys... What a load of crap. Your wife is a princess and is using, has used, every line in the book to be a massive piece of cheating work for EIGHT years.

Yah this stuff gives you some bad bumps. But redefine you into a nutbag? No.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Mom6547,

What makes you say that? Kind of judgmental for the little bit of information I've provided, don't you think?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

you left out the vaginal dryness and bladder leakage.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I now get the menopause commercial where all the women hold up signs. One says something like "my family isn't afraid of me anymore" you know they've responded to some med.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi, It's funny, This is something my girlfriends and I have been talking at late, as I am 1 month away from learning of my husband affair. 

I started to experience pre menopause in my early 40's. By the time of 48 I was finally in the FIRST year of menopause. Finally, at the age of 57, the symptoms are now controlled and ending, as my body adjust to the lower levels of hormones. Menopause was very difficult years for me as I suffered from min. of 20+ intense hot flashes daily for about 7 years. I would wake at night as much as 11 times. Soaking wet... as if I just got out of a shower. Morning I would be tried...(arguments, tension etc..) I was treated for the hot flashes, but only the intensity of them lessen a bit. It would be -3 some evening during winter months, but you could find me outside in a T-shirt trying to cool down.

I didn't want to be touch or held,that kind of stuff, because, I was HOT !!!! and miserable... I kept thinking of the poor pioneer women,the victorian women, the women who left the old world on ships to the new world women, the women in the worst prisons around the world, women in poor nations struggling, surly me, in all the comforts of home, can handle the menopause years...

As I went thru menopause, life went on. Reflecting and in the mist of soul searching myself, I hear my husbands cries for more intimacy and passion in our relationship and toward him. It seemed now,menopause was one of the turning points in my marriage, a period that I thought my husband understood. 


My heart goes out to you and your situation, as not only are you & your wife dealing with the A, which has a life of its own, menopause can be can bring all its own baggage too, some with little, some with a lot. You've got your hands full.

~ sammy


~


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> As I went thru menopause, life went on. Reflecting and in the mist of soul searching myself, I hear my husbands cries for more intimacy and passion in our relationship and toward him. It seemed now,menopause was one of the turning points in my marriage, a period that I thought my husband understood.


I just don't understand this! Men, help me understand - if your wife is suffering with awful changes due to menopause, how could you not be sympathetic? Yah, you think your world is turned upside down, but what is happening in a woman's body and mind during this time is much worse.

Every couple needs to learn about what to expect in the years before, during, and after menopause. Arm yourself with knowledge so that you can get through this together. For the men, start here: 

Amazon.com: "No, It's Not Hot In Here" , A Husbands Guide to Menopause (9780965506731): **** Roth: Books


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Enchantment, 

I'm sympathetic and trying to understand what my wife is going through too. 

I don't know if it is anywhere similar, but, several years ago, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and low testosterone. The combination of health issues causes you to not feel well even though you think you are feeling well. The slow progression of the three conditions makes you forget what feeling really good feels like. Since then, I have addressed all three through medication, eating right and exercise. I think clearly, lost weight and gained muscle. Now, I'm faced with my wife going through menopause. I've got a lot of research to do on menopause and see what is recommended to help women go through the change. 

At the same time, we have intimacy issues. Some could be compounded due to menopause. Some may not be due to menopause. I don't know. What I do know is that she shouldn't think she is going at this alone and that she needs support from me, her Dr and from friends. I don't know if she has discussed this with her Dr. or not. I will find out.


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