# Can't take much more



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

I've posted on here before and am now getting very close to the end of this. I can't seem to do anything without causing a fight with my wife. This past Saturday, my wife knew that I was looking forward to watching the first college football game with my son. He'd be begging to watch it with me for weeks. The Friday before, she texts me from work asking if I'd go to a concert with her on Saturday. I responded that I had already promised our son that I'd watch the game with him. This opened up the biggest fight we ever had. She responded that she was hurt that I didn't want to spend time with her and that watching football was more important than going on a date with her. I told her that was not true and spending time with our kids is just as important and that keeping my promises with them teaches them to keep their promises. She stopped talking to me the rest of the night and kept saying that she didn't think I loved her anymore. Now she's talking to me non-stop about going somewhere for her 40th birthday in November. She said "I want to spend my birthday with you in Vegas." I loved the idea so I started planning the trip. Then she got mad that I kept telling her about the different prices with flights/hotels and told me to "stop talking at her." Since then, she's changed her mind from Vegas to Charleston, SC to Asheville, NC and now it looks like she's trying to price out NYC. 

Are other married people on here this miserable? I don't feel like I'm having fun with her and I don't feel like I'm her partner anymore. I feel more like someone who just gets told what to do and is always the one to blame. I'm strongly leaning towards a separation and constantly wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am stuck and don't know what to do.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Man, that sounds like a completely miserable existence. Seems like you are there to pay the bills and take the blame. At the very least I'd book some time with an attorney. Being alone is better than being used. Best of luck.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder to me...


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Does she act entitled in any other ways? I'm with @jlg07 in the personality disorder department. If I were you, I wouldn't be curious to see what it would be like to be with someone else, but maybe be curious...if anything...to see what it would be like being with just yourself (and of course the kids) for a while. It's not fun living with someone this overbearing and demanding. Ask me how I know.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

What is different now from two years ago when you posted almost the exact same issues...? 

You KNOW the answers to your questions already...the real question is what are you going to do about it so that you are happier?


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Being alone with your kids is a lot more peaceful than constantly being told you're upsetting or disappointing someone. When I was with my XBF I was constantly being blamed for something and never felt like anything I did was appreciated. In the end it just didn't work. Sounds like she wants your undivided attention which is a bit weird considering that it's her son too. I would think she'd want you to stick to your arrangements. Maybe she felt she really wants time with you but is bad at asking about it. Sounds like she wanted you to plan the trip without asking her about the minutiae but can't make up her mind. She honestly sounds like a lot of work. Have you been to marriage counseling together?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> "I want to spend my birthday with you in Vegas." I loved the idea so I started planning the trip. Then she got mad that *I kept telling her about the different prices with flights/hotels* and told me to "stop talking at her."


This is where you went wrong. She was viewing this as a birthday present and you were making it a chore. It was no longer going to be a treat for her - no surprise factor. You took the fun out of it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Does she act entitled in any other ways? I'm with @jlg07 in the personality disorder department. If I were you, I wouldn't be curious to see what it would be like to be with someone else, but maybe be curious...if anything...to see what it would be like being with just yourself (and of course the kids) for a while. It's not fun living with someone this overbearing and demanding. Ask me how I know.


I don’t mean to t/j but you were planning on getting out months ago. Did you?


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Openminded said:


> I don’t mean to t/j but you were planning on getting out months ago. Did you?


No t/j intended here either, but I have a post coming soon.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Georgia beat Clemson. No way I’d miss that (and I’m female). She’s acting like a brat.


See! You get it and she doesn't! She's a Bama fan so that's probably why


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Does she act entitled in any other ways? I'm with @jlg07 in the personality disorder department. If I were you, I wouldn't be curious to see what it would be like to be with someone else, but maybe be curious...if anything...to see what it would be like being with just yourself (and of course the kids) for a while. It's not fun living with someone this overbearing and demanding. Ask me how I know.


She acts entitled all the time. I spent $1,500 on a trip to NYC with her 2 years ago. She felt like because we were there, she had to go get a $500 necklace from Tiffany. Now every place we go she expects a gift. Now I have an $800 balance left on a Tiffany card and my credit score dropping.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> What is different now from two years ago when you posted almost the exact same issues...?
> 
> You KNOW the answers to your questions already...the real question is what are you going to do about it so that you are happier?


Unfortunately nothing. I'm still stuck and feel guilty trying to move on because of the kids.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

joannacroc said:


> Being alone with your kids is a lot more peaceful than constantly being told you're upsetting or disappointing someone. When I was with my XBF I was constantly being blamed for something and never felt like anything I did was appreciated. In the end it just didn't work. Sounds like she wants your undivided attention which is a bit weird considering that it's her son too. I would think she'd want you to stick to your arrangements. Maybe she felt she really wants time with you but is bad at asking about it. Sounds like she wanted you to plan the trip without asking her about the minutiae but can't make up her mind. She honestly sounds like a lot of work. Have you been to marriage counseling together?


I planned two trips with just the two of us this year alone - both to Chicago. Both times she blew up my credit card at Tiffany getting jewelry and now says she expects a charm for her bracelet every city we go to where there is a Tiffany store. I've asked her to do marriage counseling together but so far she's just done individual counseling.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> This is where you went wrong. She was viewing this as a birthday present and you were making it a chore. It was no longer going to be a treat for her - no surprise factor. You took the fun out of it.


I guess so...we were both planning the trip based on a budget and I guess I went overboard with that.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> Unfortunately nothing. I'm still stuck and feel guilty trying to move on because of the kids.


That makes you a volunteer and not a victim. Given that you are choosing this, for your own sanity I hope you learn to embrace that which you choose.

If you don't want to volunteer for this, make different choices.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> Man, that sounds like a completely miserable existence. Seems like you are there to pay the bills and take the blame. At the very least I'd book some time with an attorney. Being alone is better than being used. Best of luck.


Yeah, if I didn't pay any of the bills for the household we would be without a house right now. She buys things without thinking or letting me know and then wonders why we are close to negative balance in between paychecks.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Openminded said:


> I don’t mean to t/j but you were planning on getting out months ago. Did you?


I have been thinking about it for a long time and no I feel stuck with nowhere to go and guilty leaving the marriage for the kids.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> Yeah, if I didn't pay any of the bills for the household we would be without a house right now. She buys things without thinking or letting me know and then wonders why we are close to negative balance in between paychecks.


You're enabling this, so you are also responsible for the situation you find yourself in.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Personal said:


> You're enabling this, so you are just as responsible for the situation you find yourself in.


So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


How is conflict avoidance working out for you?

With that that asked. The answer to your question is, you don't prevent a massive argument. And it starts with drawing a line.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> See! You get it and she doesn't! She's a Bama fan so that's probably why


It’ll be another good year in the SEC.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> I have been thinking about it for a long time and no I feel stuck with nowhere to go and guilty leaving the marriage for the kids.


Then, yes, you’re stuck.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DawgFan79 said:


> So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


You're already having "massive arguments" so putting your foot down shouldn't be that difficult. Sounds like she blows up over every little thing already. So why not implement a big thing and assert yourself? Or why not just walk away from her - or leave the house for awhile - if she goes nuclear?

You remain stuck because of YOU, not her. Act like a doormat, get treated like a doormat. Your life. Your choice.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Sounds like you need to learn how to say the word "no".


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@DawgFan79 you will continue living in misery if you don't start using the word "No" and have the strength to stand your ground!
One other thing:


DawgFan79 said:


> She said "I want to spend my birthday with you in Vegas." I loved the idea so I started planning the trip. Then she got mad that I kept telling her about the different prices with flights/hotels and told me to "stop talking at her."


When you plan something, you need to do it from A to Z, take the lead!


----------



## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Always refuse to go to a city where there is a Tiffany's. Note: I am sure there is a Tiffany's in Vegas. 

Seriously, just learn to say no to expensive jewelry on every trip. It will be hard, but right now you have fights AND dropping credit ratings.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

sideways said:


> Sounds like you need to learn how to say the word "no".


Then I get a response like, “You don’t own me” or “You don’t tell me what to do.”


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Instead of reacting to her and trying to defend yourself I would try being more take charge and charming. 

For example, if she attacks you about wanting to watch football on Saturday instead of just defending and explaining yourself sweet talk her about the date you're planning on Sunday or Friday. And plan the date yourself. You don't need to share with her all the details when you're planning like you did with the Vegas trip. For her it probably feels like you're asking her permission which women usually aren't looking for. It makes them feel unsafe.

Also, don't let her angry energy infect you. Let your charming energy infect her. And be firm. If she gives you any lip about how you don't tell her what to do, calmly inform her that you do, she's going to be ready for the date on Friday or else. She might tantrum and fight you for a bit but once she realizes she can't push you around or run the show anymore she'll probably calm down.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Did the game last 24 hours or something? 

Couldn’t you have done both?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DawgFan79 said:


> I planned two trips with just the two of us this year alone - both to Chicago. Both times she blew up my credit card at Tiffany getting jewelry and now says she expects a charm for her bracelet every city we go to where there is a Tiffany store. I've asked her to do marriage counseling together but so far she's just done individual counseling.


So be very careful not to go anywhere there's Tiffany. That's a double whammy.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


Agree to everything she wants, never get around to doing it or buying it.
Hard to argue with a person that agrees all the time.
Avoid all confrontation, never disagree.


----------



## /ˌlaNG ˈzīn/ (Sep 5, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


You having some money in your account and a decent credit score is far more important than her throwing herself on the floor and having a fit.

IF you decide to stay with her, I'd suggest maybe giving her an "allowance", you know, money she can blow on whatever she wants that way you’re not stressing out trying to rob Peter to pay Paul scraping by each month. I'm only suggesting this because she sounds irresponsible and that can be dangerous. 

And you know, maybe this will drive her to leave you? That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.


----------



## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

sounds like ya'll have a financial problem. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and learn to say NO


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


Simple. Cut off her cash flow so she stops blowing all marital money. If this starts a fight, go for a drive and go do something you want while she yells at the walls in the house. Turn off your phone. 

You are already in the position of nothing left to lose. That's a nice power position to be in. Why? Because you don't need to compromise any more. You go do what you want. She either falls in line and becomes a better partner (at which point you both start to respect each other again and work towards mutual goals) or she gets worse - in which case you divorce, which is still far better a situation you are in right now. 

You are currently in a win-win situation if you play your cards right.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DawgFan79 said:


> I planned two trips with just the two of us this year alone - both to Chicago. Both times she blew up my credit card at Tiffany getting jewelry and now says she expects a charm for her bracelet every city we go to where there is a Tiffany store. I've asked her to do marriage counseling together but so far she's just done individual counseling.


Tell her she has X amount of $$ to spend during the trip -- THAT'S IT. No point in killing yourself with debt with her attitude.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DawgFan79 said:


> Then I get a response like, “You don’t own me” or “You don’t tell me what to do.”


Tell her -- you are correct, so from now on, you get your OWN credit card and YOU pay it.
No more joint cards or accounts -- if she can't handle the responsibility, then she shouldn't have it.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Tell her -- you are correct, so from now on, you get your OWN credit card and YOU pay it.
> No more joint cards or accounts -- if she can't handle the responsibility, then she shouldn't have it.


Problem being, she'll likely file for divorce and get half (or more) of everything anyway.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@DawgFan79,

The things you need to change are inside of you. Sounds like your behavior currently is largely controlled by her emotions, or even your fear of what her emotions might turn out to be.

Set yourself free. Find a good therapist — for yourself. Read books about having and enforcing boundaries, living authentically, honoring yourself. Get comfortable not being responsible for managing her emotional state.

You may find her behavior will change for the better if you make certain changes inside yourself. And if it doesn’t, you’ll still be healthy and ok, and be able to decide confidently what next step to take.

Focus on changing you for now.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

One problem is you are letting your wife run the show. She dictates what happens and if you dare to disagree then she goes off on you. That is a huge sign of disrespect. She disrespects you because you allow her to do so. When you told her about your plans to watch the game on Saturday and she flipped out, you should have given her one reasonable answer, that's it. Let her know you had plans to watch the game with your son already but you would go out with her another time and then try to set a time. If she flips out, don't defend yourself, don't even engage. You are now done talking about it. Don't even respond to her. Let her argue with herself like a damn fool. If she acts like a psychopath and follows you around the house or something, just leave. 

When you were talking about prices of hotels and flights, that should have been fun! I enjoy planning trips like that with someone. If she wants to rudely tell you to stop talking to her about it, cool. She just did you a favor and saved you money since you no longer need to plan a trip. At that point, just forget the trip. Consider those plans cancelled and do as she says by not talking about it anymore. If she comes at you later talking about some trip, just tell her you stopped thinking about a trip when she said to stop talking about one. 

If I was you, I would start putting plans into place for the eventual separation. If you start actually defending yourself she WILL make you out to be the bad guy and she's just gonna flip out worse, most likely. I'd cancel joint accounts and get my own account so you don't have to pay her bills at least. Keep an eye on her behavior if you don't divorce her first because she will try to surprise you with it one day. You want to be prepared for that, trust me.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

DawgFan79 said:


> Then I get a response like, “You don’t own me” or “You don’t tell me what to do.”


That's why you need to take the necessary steps and stand your ground!
Example 1: Cancelling the credit card she is using.
Example 2: If she wants to buy something that you know that it will hit the family budget, say "No, we can't afford that" and don't care how she reacts, even if she is upset for days. stand your ground.
When she says: “You don’t own me” or “You don’t tell me what to do.” don't reacting to her and try to explain and convince her, just say "I know!", and do what must be done regardless. Take the lead!
@DawgFan79 it seems that you allowed your wife to walk all over you and now she is used to it!


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

My ex acted like that sometimes. Now the bank gets to tell her no and I don't have to.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DawgFan79 said:


> So how do I keep from enabling this without causing massive arguments? Because that's what will happen.


Your fear of "massive arguments" is what enables this. You are allowing yourself to be emotionally bullied.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DawgFan79 said:


> Then I get a response like, “You don’t own me” or “You don’t tell me what to do.”


A very effective reply to that is, "No I don't, but I own MYSELF and get to tell you what I will do."


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Problem being, she'll likely file for divorce and get half (or more) of everything anyway.


But it sounds like that would be the best money he ever spent, and VERY worth it...


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

DawgFan79 said:


> I've posted on here before and am now getting very close to the end of this. I can't seem to do anything without causing a fight with my wife. This past Saturday, my wife knew that I was looking forward to watching the first college football game with my son. He'd be begging to watch it with me for weeks. The Friday before, she texts me from work asking if I'd go to a concert with her on Saturday. I responded that I had already promised our son that I'd watch the game with him. This opened up the biggest fight we ever had. She responded that she was hurt that I didn't want to spend time with her and that watching football was more important than going on a date with her. I told her that was not true and spending time with our kids is just as important and that keeping my promises with them teaches them to keep their promises. She stopped talking to me the rest of the night and kept saying that she didn't think I loved her anymore. Now she's talking to me non-stop about going somewhere for her 40th birthday in November. She said "I want to spend my birthday with you in Vegas." I loved the idea so I started planning the trip. Then she got mad that I kept telling her about the different prices with flights/hotels and told me to "stop talking at her." Since then, she's changed her mind from Vegas to Charleston, SC to Asheville, NC and now it looks like she's trying to price out NYC.
> 
> Are other married people on here this miserable? I don't feel like I'm having fun with her and I don't feel like I'm her partner anymore. I feel more like someone who just gets told what to do and is always the one to blame. I'm strongly leaning towards a separation and constantly wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am stuck and don't know what to do.


Has she always been this selfish?


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> A very effective reply to that is, "No I don't, but I own MYSELF and get to tell you what I will do."


Nice, I didn't think of that. I will try that next time.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Did the game last 24 hours or something?
> 
> Couldn’t you have done both?


Unfortunately no. The game and concert started at the same time. I wasn't going to let my son down because my dad always did that to me.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Record the game and watch it after the concert.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

so, where are you going alone this year?


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Trident said:


> Record the game and watch it after the concert.


No way. Reward her sh*tty behavior AND miss watching a big game with your son?


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Trident said:


> Record the game and watch it after the concert.


🤦‍♂️


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> No way. Reward her sh*tty behavior AND miss watching a big game with your son?


No, and no.

They can still watch the game together and skip all the downtime and commercials.

There can be worse things than having a wife that wants to go places with you. Much worse. Taking her to a concert on a Saturday night doesn't enable bad behavior, it's called "compromising".


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Trident said:


> There can be worse things than having a wife that wants to go places with you. Much worse. Taking her to a concert on a Saturday night doesn't enable bad behavior, it's called "compromising".


Didn't he "compromise" enough?!


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Trident said:


> No, and no.
> 
> They can still watch the game together and skip all the downtime and commercials.
> 
> There can be worse things than having a wife that wants to go places with you. Much worse. Taking her to a concert on a Saturday night doesn't enable bad behavior, it's called "compromising".


Sounds like he had made plans to watch the game with his son weeks ago and the wife called the day before about the concert. No thanks to your idea of 'compromise'.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I didn't read anywhere that he had plans to watch the game with his son weeks ago.

She asked him to go to the concert with her the Friday before last, at which point he said he's watching football with his son. He could have done both.

His choice, his marriage, his life. It appears his wife feels neglected and that's what causes women to give up on their husbands and their marriages. Maybe all the spending is her way of acting out.

Regardless of what's driving the spending, you should have shot that down long ago. It's called "separate credit cards". I was married for 18 years and never had a joint credit card account with my now ex-wife who also was a big spender. She buys it, she is responsible for paying back the credit card bill, and it's her credit on the line not anyone else's. 

Doesn't have to be an argument. You simply say "Going forward we're going to have separate charge cards". No defending, no criticizing, no justifying, you just do it.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Trident said:


> I didn't read anywhere that he had plans to watch the game with his son weeks ago.
> 
> She asked him to go to the concert with her the Friday before last, at which point he said he's watching football with his son. He could have done both.
> 
> His choice, his marriage, his life. It appears his wife feels neglected and that's what causes women to give up on their husbands and their marriages. Maybe all the spending is her way of acting out.


She asked me the night before the game. Couldn't have done both as they were both at the same time. My son was begging me to watch the game with him and I wasn't about to break my promise to him.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> so, where are you going alone this year?


Haha are you serious? The only time I've been away alone since the marriage started was work travel. I can't imagine a world where she lets that happen


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DawgFan79 said:


> She asked me the night before the game. Couldn't have done both as they were both at the same time. My son was begging me to watch the game with him and I wasn't about to break my promise to him.


You have not once said that you promised your son you'd watch the game with him, only that he was begging you for weeks to watch the game with him. As far as "Couldn't have done both", you need to think outside the box. Or at least read what other posters who think outside the box actually write in their posts. 

Yes you could have done both. You chose to blow her off. Eventually she's going to stop asking. Then it gets really expensive.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> She asked me the night before the game. Couldn't have done both as they were both at the same time. My son was begging me to watch the game with him and I wasn't about to break my promise to him.


Did she watch Alabama play that afternoon since I believe you said she’s a fan?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If there's football on, are you in front of the tv? I mean, do you just watch football all the time and not spend time with her? I get it on this occasion because she knew you had plans with the son, she knew better than to ask, but is this something you're constantly putting priority on (watching football, not your son) over her? Because that, I'd understand why she's not happy.

To see a comparison, let's say she watches soap operas for 2 hours every day no matter what else is going on. Even if you have something you badly want to do with her that day, she will not miss her soap operas. In both of these instances, the program could be taped. But again, I agree with you that she knew the answer here before she asked it. However, if this is something she's getting set aside for every football season, I understand why that's frustrating, and it's just begging for her to find other interests.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I enjoy watching the occasional NFL game, that's as far as my sports watching goes, and that much being said I'll never understand why people allow their lives to revolve around watching overpaid players kick or throw a ball around for a couple of hours for the entire season.

People really need to get out more and enjoy their own activities rather than watching other people play a game. For hours on end. Over and over again, week after freaking week. 

I get why wife is so annoyed.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You've mentioned financial problems. Here's a financial problem you are facing, the longer you stay the longer you pay. Depending on where you live you might be close to giving her the golden ticket of lifetime alimony. If you keep stalling, it will get to the point where she leaves and takes your wallet with her. Talk to an attorney so you know where you stand. At least then if you stay, you know the risks if she decides to bail when you hit the 20yr mark.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

DawgFan79 said:


> Haha are you serious? The only time I've been away alone since the marriage started was work travel. I can't imagine a world where she lets that happen


Yes I'm serious.
You seriously NEED this.
She needs you to do it. 
I can't imagine a way she could legally stop you. I can't even believe she would do the illegal things that might stop you.
To be honest She could make you uncomfortable, but why would she do that? How would that get her what she wants? (hint: it's not yet another trinket from Tiffany's)


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

DawgFan79 said:


> Haha are you serious? The only time I've been away alone since the marriage started was work travel. I can't imagine a world where she lets that happen


I read your back threads, and I read this post here about how "she won't let you travel alone".

Dude you need to man up. Everyone needs alone time. No one is stopping you but you. 

You need to figure out why you're so afraid of her and also learn to communicate better with her. 

That's a rather tall order, in fact given the circumstances as you've described them over the better part of 2 years, divorce might be the better option.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Kaliber said:


> That's why you need to take the necessary steps and stand your ground!
> Example 1: Cancelling the credit card she is using.
> Example 2: If she wants to buy something that you know that it will hit the family budget, say "No, we can't afford that" and don't care how she reacts, even if she is upset for days. stand your ground.
> When she says: “You don’t own me” or “You don’t tell me what to do.” don't reacting to her and try to explain and convince her, just say "I know!", and do what must be done regardless. Take the lead!
> @DawgFan79 it seems that you allowed your wife to walk all over you and now she is used to it!





DownByTheRiver said:


> If there's football on, are you in front of the tv? I mean, do you just watch football all the time and not spend time with her? I get it on this occasion because she knew you had plans with the son, she knew better than to ask, but is this something you're constantly putting priority on (watching football, not your son) over her? Because that, I'd understand why she's not happy.
> 
> To see a comparison, let's say she watches soap operas for 2 hours every day no matter what else is going on. Even if you have something you badly want to do with her that day, she will not miss her soap operas. In both of these instances, the program could be taped. But again, I agree with you that she knew the answer here before she asked it. However, if this is something she's getting set aside for every football season, I understand why that's frustrating, and it's just begging for her to find other interests.


Just for that game. I don't spend all day watching other games I care nothing about.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Trident said:


> People really need to get out more and enjoy their own activities rather than watching other people play a game. For hours on end. Over and over again, week after freaking week.


You sound like my dad, he gets pissed when a football (soccer) match is on TV, he says the only people that are making money, enjoying the actual game and being healthy are the players, everyone else are on the side doing nothing!


----------



## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If there's football on, are you in front of the tv? I mean, do you just watch football all the time and not spend time with her? I get it on this occasion because she knew you had plans with the son, she knew better than to ask, but is this something you're constantly putting priority on (watching football, not your son) over her? Because that, I'd understand why she's not happy.
> 
> To see a comparison, let's say she watches soap operas for 2 hours every day no matter what else is going on. Even if you have something you badly want to do with her that day, she will not miss her soap operas. In both of these instances, the program could be taped. But again, I agree with you that she knew the answer here before she asked it. However, if this is something she's getting set aside for every football season, I understand why that's frustrating, and it's just begging for her to find other interests.


lol stop liking what i don't like!

What a bad take. People enjoy different things and have different preferences. NFL games range from entertaining to extremely tense and entertaining. Especially when you have a connection to the team/city and rooting interests.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DawgFan79 said:


> I can't imagine a world where she lets that happen


So, all laughing aside, you're basically afraid of your wife. She doesn't get her way or you don't toe the line and she goes ballistic. You're afraid of her anger, so to avoid it you let her get away with this unacceptable behavior. My guess is, from her perspective, she knows you'll fold if she starts carrying on. It's working for her. It's not working for you.

Unless you're willing to deal with the pain and challenge of changing the dynamic, this is what you're stuck with. Sad.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Kaliber said:


> You sound like my dad, he gets pissed when a football (soccer) match is on TV, he says the only people that are making money, enjoying the actual game and being healthy are the players, everyone else are on the side doing nothing!


Smart guy your dad. And people that spend hours upon hours, entire weekends watching sports sometimes of many different kinds aren't even as bad as those who are completely obsessed with a particular team and follow everything about them.

One guy I know ruined a SuperBowl Party because he was a Tom Brady fan and the Pats were struggling. He spent most of the party yelling and cursing and punching a couch pillow. I asked him if he was going to continue to follow Brady's new team. His answer was "No I'm a Patriots fan, Tom Brady is just a guy wearing a Tampa Bay Jersey." As if a team has any sort of consistency- it doesn't- many or most players are traded between teams over the course of a few seasons, coaches come and go, about the only thing that remains the same is the billionaire owners who make even more money from obsessed fans like this guy. 

What makes one team more unique than any other? The logo. That's it. Period.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Trident said:


> I enjoy watching the occasional NFL game, that's as far as my sports watching goes, and that much being said I'll never understand why people allow their lives to revolve around watching overpaid players kick or throw a ball around for a couple of hours for the entire season.
> 
> People really need to get out more and enjoy their own activities rather than watching other people play a game. For hours on end. Over and over again, week after freaking week.
> 
> I get why wife is so annoyed.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder to me...


Yep. This.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

You sound like a perfect candidate for NMMNG. Give that a try.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

As others have pointed out, she is using your fear of her anger to bully you. The prospect of divorce is often scary. The process of divorce is usually upsetting. But lots of people come out of it better off. 

Tell her you(the family) can't afford any more jewelry. You know her spoiled child act is coming, be ready and don't cave. Two things could happen, one is she realizes her games are over and comes around. The other is that the marriage will end, which sounds awful but is a lot like throwing up after eating something that went bad. As awful as it was, you actually feel better and can now get on with your life.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> As others have pointed out, she is using your fear of her anger to bully you. The prospect of divorce is often scary. The process of divorce is usually upsetting. But lots of people come out of it better off.
> 
> Tell her you(the family) can't afford any more jewelry. You know her spoiled child act is coming, be ready and don't cave. Two things could happen, one is she realizes her games are over and comes around. The other is that the marriage will end, which sounds awful but is a lot like throwing up after eating something that went bad. As awful as it was, you actually feel better and can now get on with your life.


I will try this. I suspect exactly what you predicted will happen. She will go into the "don't you love me enough to buy me jewelry" guilt trip and then an argument will ensue. I will do my best to stand my ground!


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

ArthurGPym said:


> NMMNG


Nice, I will give that a read!


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Well, again, she asked him last minute to go to a concert. He said no, he planned to watch a game. Her problem if she is angry. Not a "drop everything for the weekend and do whatever she wants" type of moment. If it was something she wanted to do and asked him a week before.....maybe. 

And yes, people enjoy different things. Reading, hiking, skydiving, binging Game of Thrones, and... in the fall...watching football. I do not think watching football ALL weekend is sustainable unless your entire family genuinely wants to as well, but watching your favorite team play with your son-- not the same as hanging out in a bar til 3 am.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> So, all laughing aside, you're basically afraid of your wife. She doesn't get her way or you don't toe the line and she goes ballistic. You're afraid of her anger, so to avoid it you let her get away with this unacceptable behavior. My guess is, from her perspective, she knows you'll fold if she starts carrying on. It's working for her. It's not working for you.
> 
> Unless you're willing to deal with the pain and challenge of changing the dynamic, this is what you're stuck with. Sad.


This.

And, perhaps expanding on what @Mr. Nail said, “She needs you to do it”:

She needs you to be your own man. She needs to be able to trust that no matter how selfishly or emotionally she behaves, you will be and remain centered in yourself, anchored by your own judgments and self-valuing. You need to develop the conviction that it’s appropriate for you both to coexist with independent values, wants, and needs —and mutual respect of those. And, if she can’t eventually adjust to that and enjoy the fruits of that, you’ll still exist and have options you can’t imagine now.

The alternative of shrinking away in the face of conflict with her emotions and whims over time leads to “there is no such thing as you.” And to be clear, if she is worth knowing at all, that’s the opposite of what she truly wants and needs. In fact, that may be the thing she fears most of all.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DawgFan79 said:


> She will go into the "don't you love me enough to buy me jewelry" guilt trip and then an argument will ensue. I will do my best to stand my ground!


I'm weighing in as a woman here, and all I can say is "Wow. How weak!" Your wife manipulates you. And you jump through her hoops. Frankly, if you decide to locate your cajones, you should respond to her accusation with, "You're right. I don't love you enough to buy you jewelry because your a f-ing pain in the ass. STFU!" Seriously.


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> I'm weighing in as a woman here, and all I can say is "Wow. How weak!" Your wife manipulates you. And you jump through her hoops. Frankly, if you decide to locate your cajones, you should respond to her accusation with, "You're right. I don't love you enough to buy you jewelry because your a f-ing pain in the ass. STFU!" Seriously.


I can see that response going very well haha. Either way, I'm not buying her any more jewelry until we get the Tiffany card paid off.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@DawgFan79 you got this, no more "Mr. Nice Guy"


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

DawgFan79 said:


> I can see that response going very well haha. Either way, I'm not buying her any more jewelry until we get the Tiffany card paid off.


That is a reasonable boundary. 
I don't think jewelry is a legitimate love language. I think it is a poor stand in for real love speaking. 
We can go into my diamond theory when you can hold this line.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> I can see that response going very well haha. Either way, I'm not buying her any more jewelry until we get the Tiffany card paid off.



Wait a minute. No more jewelry until the Tiffany card is paid off. 

That sounds like you will allow jewelry again once the Tiffany card is paid off. You aren't going to do that, are you?

Please, dont do that. 

Out of curiosity, what value does this woman bring to you? To the household, to the family? 

What are you afraid of if you were to lose her?

Do you worry that you won't ever find someone as good or better? - no judgement here. I've had those feelings before. They are wrong, but I know what that feels like. 

You seem to be constantly walking on eggshells and living a life of misery. For what? There has to be some crazy good value this woman brings to the table for you to want to stick around.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> This is where you went wrong. She was viewing this as a birthday present and you were making it a chore. It was no longer going to be a treat for her - no surprise factor. You took the fun out of it.


But it sounds like she would also be upset with a fun surprise maybe? ‘That’s not what I wanted!’ ‘You should have asked me first!’


----------



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Wait a minute. No more jewelry until the Tiffany card is paid off.
> 
> That sounds like you will allow jewelry again once the Tiffany card is paid off. You aren't going to do that, are you?
> 
> ...


I worry about the impact it would have on my kids if we all aren’t under one roof


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your life sounds absolutely miserable. Hellish.

Sharing the kids 50/50 might be a while lot healthier for everyone .


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> I worry about the impact it would have on my kids if we all aren’t under one roof


the impact it would have to your children would be that their lives improve. A house where both parents are miserable makes a house where the children are miserable. I know. I wish my parents would have divorced. At least there wouldn’t have been screaming matches every night.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your children are aware of everything that goes on in their home.

You may not think so but they are.


----------

