# Emotional Relationship



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Hi, I need some advice here I’m not sure if my mind is playing with me or if I’m being sensitive due to past situations. 
But I feel there’s a bit of an emotional relationship happening with my husband and a co- worker.
But before I get into that let me give you some history, I’ve known my husband for almost half of of my life, we were strictly best friends for about 10 or so years we got into a relationship 5years ago, known each other for about 15 or so years in total. 
In our third year after having our second child he had an emotional relationship with a different co-worker for about a year and I had suspected their relationship was a little off but he continuously told me it wasn’t etc so I chose to trust him. I found out about the relationship because she spoke a little too much to his former boss, he supported her a lot and she at the end of it was ready to leave her husband and situation for him. Nothing physical happened so I was told but some time later he told me she did try to kiss him at a work Christmas party and that was it and all he hadn’t told me initially. 

Now I got to find out about this kiss in a different confession time, speed up time to about almost a year later he had a sexual encounter with another woman at a work event (she performed oral) 
I knew something was off from the moment I spoke to him and then saw him the next day. After a few days he told me what had happened, and he did not know this person prior or had any connection to them and the interaction ended that night and did not continue - we are now a year later from that very situation. 

Now along this past there has been another colleague who he mentored at the beginning as she took over his last position, so he was her mentor until she got the total hand over - this was about a year and a half ago. 
This mentoring has not stopped and I feel the relationship has got a bit hazy. 

She texts him in a manor I’m not comfortable with, she asks him if he misses her as we relocated to another country due to work about 8months ago. 
She texts late at night, on weekends. 
She’s flirtatious in her choice of words. 
She seeks a lot of support from him, if she feels she didn’t do a good job at something she confides in him he consoles her. 
She sends over such things like chocolates when other co workers as we cannot obtain his favorite chocolates in the country we are in. She jokes and says things like I’m sorry it’s not .. (his favorite restaurant food) etc. 
She’s always asking him for advice, or what or how she should approach some senior work people in order to leave the right perception of herself etc. 
when she came over to the office here, he went out of his way to see if she needed picking up from her hotel and needed a lift to work. 
He went out with her to a shopping mall and he did not tell me anything about it when I was in fact on the phone to him that very moment he was waiting for her. ( I found out a few days later by messages) 
He knows how I feel about her but continues to do the same things. 
He says it’s nothing like that, and he wishes she was a man because it wouldn’t matter that way. 

They just had an event they had to work on together - he went out with her to a bar nothing related to work. She just wanted to finish of watching the football but everybody else had gone to bed so he suggested they meet for a drink and finish it off. So he left his hotel room and went down to the bar to meet her. This he didn’t tell me either even though I spoke to him when he got back to his room. 
He went out with her on the other nights also, bars dinner etc (other colleagues present which Is fine) 
I expressed again as to why I’m still not sure why he’s choosing this woman and going out of his way to be with her despite what I have expressed to him about her? 

She then messages him again on Friday asking for advice as she has meeting on Monday but doesn’t know the person very well so if he could advice her etc.. 
he said would message but maybe forgot 
So she messaged again calling him by a nickname she has obviously made for him saying have you had Any thoughts? The meeting is on Monday so don’t spend your whole weekend thinking about it etc. 
then messages again, asking is he had any thoughts around her 10pm he messaged back and gave advice etc on our weekend? This isn’t the first she has text at odd hours or weekends either. I’m not sure what to think or feel. 

He doesn’t see it but sees it if it was me doing it and says would only be ok with it if the man was basically gay. 

Any advice please - if any more context is needed to understand more please ask. 

Thanks - am I in denial also? I feel as though I am? Because it seems pretty clear to me?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Yup, it’s definitely an emotional affair. If not, on the slippery slope to one. He’s trying to cover it up with the whole ‘if she was a guy’ scenario. But sorry, if he’s already hiding communication from you, that’s shady as sh!t. And I’m sure if she were a guy, he would have no problem showing you their correspondences, right?

Please start protecting yourself.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

They guy has no boundaries- most guys would be kicked to the curb if he got a BJ from a girl at work. Or at the very least, no other personal relationships with any women from work.

This girl has to be told to stay away.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

And a way I just realized he sees her in a particular way was because he tweeted a message saying thanks for everyone who attended etc and mentioned all the people in the team including her. 
And at the end asking for people to fill out some feedback surveys. 
Then someone commented and said is there one for the focus group? (The team who hosted) 
And he replied and says fortunately enough for you there isn’t one.. unless you want a new host..? If it’s ... (the woman I’m talking about) i’ld understand 

That to me clearly shows how he feels about her. I hope that makes some sort of sense. 

What do I do with this, when I used to tell him about the woman before he would say it was nothing like that. 
And I’m afraid it’s happening again and I’m trying to get him to see it and acknowledge it but says it’s not what it is they don’t share anything personal. 
But another thing that made me know she has no respect for me or his family was. 
They had a team dinner when the woman was here but my husband did not attend.

And my husbands boss got onto topic about speaking about him saying he has a lovely wife is a good father etc etc 

And she messaged him saying what was said about it but ended it with that’s not the peter I know.. 

? I’m getting lost, and unsure what to do.

I can not go through this again. He keeps telling me it’s not like that and I want to believe it and we just spoke about it on Friday and on Sunday he’s supporting her again - regardless about what we just spoke about for the 100th time! 
I feel disrespected, he has no care? My word means nothing to their relationship. 
But surely he’s not stupid?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Steelman said:


> They guy has no boundaries- most guys would be kicked to the curb if he got a BJ from a girl at work. Or at the very least, no other personal relationships with any women from work.
> 
> This girl has to be told to stay away.


Why should the wife have to tell the girl/ow to stay away?

If the husband had any honor and respect for his wife and family, there would not have been an ow. So, its his duty now that he has invited this person into their lives, to tell her to **** off.

The blame is entirely 100% his and he should have to take the steps to prove his worth to his wife. If he is unable to see the damage he has created then, maybe it's time for OP to reconsider her marriage.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

This is my main problem, i don't think he sees it or at least doesnt want to? because he continues anyway? I am obviously too understanding - its been my biggest weakness and i think is personally my life lesson. 
We just spoke at her on friday and on Sunday hes supporting her yet again. Boundaries? Work is Mon-Fri not at late hours on weekends also. Shes in bed at 10pm her time messaging my husband for help which has nothing to do with him but to help her grow? Why is he so invested. Its blowing my mind, I have not spoken to any family members on his nor my side about any of this history but i can feel i am about to crack - hence me finding this site to talk.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Isn’t it clear that this woman clearly dependent on my husband? He says oh she has a fiancé etc and it’s funny because I don’t think she has boundaries herself that’s why it’s ok for them both to communicate in this manner. 

I need some help, I’m not if I’m mentally strong here - I have three children, in another country we have only been here for 8months ..


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

First order of business, us to tell his family and your family. Let everyone know of his conduct. Ask family/friends who he respects to speak to him about what he is doing.

Demand he hands over his phone password and access to all his devices. So, you can read his post and check his activities.

Inform him that he will not be texting or speaking to this women at anytime when he is at home. Because you would have no problem doing the same to him. 

Lets see how he handles these demands. If he denieds any of the above, know that he is far too deep in this and you might have to take drastic actions such as moving out, asking him to move out or speaking to and getting a lawyer for a divorce.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Dees said:


> This is my main problem, i don't think he sees it or at least doesnt want to? because he continues anyway? I am obviously too understanding - its been my biggest weakness and i think is personally my life lesson.
> We just spoke at her on friday and on Sunday hes supporting her yet again. Boundaries? Work is Mon-Fri not at late hours on weekends also. Shes in bed at 10pm her time messaging my husband for help which has nothing to do with him but to help her grow? Why is he so invested. Its blowing my mind, I have not spoken to any family members on his nor my side about any of this history but i can feel i am about to crack - hence me finding this site to talk.


Since he doesn't see anything wrong with his infidelity - you either stay knowing full well you're with a blatant cheater - or you divorce him.

He's not changing! What are YOU gonna change?

You need your self respect. You won't get it by staying with him.

Can you support yourself?


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Yes, divorce is the last thing i would ever want to do for so many reasons! But im not sure i can keep taking the same stuff and to me now its well ok even if he stops it with this woman. Will he just create it with another just like he has with this one.

I cannot support myself here but if i move back home (overseas) then i can.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

I have asked for his device times before and he doesnt mind, i suspect he gets rid of the things that i would be really annoyed about if any, but keeps some of the communication etc. 

I find these things without asking for his permission sometimes but thats the only i will know at times as sometimes he shall we say isnt on guard. 

having him not speak with her at home is a plus but then he will just change habit and keep it outside the home. I want a stop to it, not an avoidance but im not sure how to go about this. 

I genuinly think he sees nothing wrong and infact sees me as im obessing over nothing and i should find something better to do and once i go back to work (currently a stay at home mom) things will be better as i wont focus on these kind of things etc.

As for speaking to family, i see this as maybe the last thing to do. Which he will hate me for and probably never forgive me for doing; will the resentment be worth it? hes very valued and looked up to within our families...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What were the consequences of his getting a blow job at work? Sounds like none. With his track record you should have zero tolerance for any bad behavior, and to be clear this is very bad behavior. 

He is no longer her mentor. There is no need for him to be texting with her on nights and weekends. They both crave the attention. What do you plan to do about it?


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

tbh i guess it boils down to no major consequences. So its not just me? Because he makes me feel like its just me who is like this or thinks this way.

I think my only option is is to do something impactful because im clearly being taken for granted he obviously thinks i wont do anything. am i correct in thinking this? hence why he carries on anyway. goes for drinks etc and doesnt think twice about it. 

i guess he will have to leave or i will fly back home for a little while.. any advice on the moving forward part?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, retired career woman here, 60 years old, 38 years married (first time for the both of us), & neither of us has cheated. However, I have two brothers who are serial cheaters like your husband. I also have a known "rockstar" musician, also like your husband. They don't change. They just leave broken lives behind them. They leave their wives in torment and slowly become the "family nutter", always obessing about something or another to hide their pain. You are also hiding the truth from your family. They already know as I knew about my brothers. You will be broken, if not on your way.

Is this the husband that you want for the rest of your life? My friends are dying off from some condition or another. I don't know how old you are, but life is short. I couldn't tolerate the life you live. It is up to you however, to accept your cheating husband or leave for a peaceful and better life.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Dees said:


> tbh i guess it boils down to no major consequences. So its not just me? Because he makes me feel like its just me who is like this or thinks this way.
> 
> I think my only option is is to do something impactful because im clearly being taken for granted he obviously thinks i wont do anything. am i correct in thinking this? hence why he carries on anyway. goes for drinks etc and doesnt think twice about it.
> 
> i guess he will have to leave or i will fly back home for a little while.. any advice on the moving forward part?


It’s not just you by any stretch of the imagination. 

I recommend a “Come to Jesus” meeting with him. Sit him down. Explain that his extreme lack of boundaries in the past have given you no tolerance for any extra curricular activities with the opposite sex. This includes lunch, dinner, drinks, calls, texts, etc. If he isn’t agreeable to this then you start thinking about next steps. The choice is his to make. And even if it was completely innocent (it’s not) one would think that he would say “Gee this is making my wife very uncomfortable” and end the relationship. The louder he protests would speak volumes to me.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Congratulations on your marriage, that’s a breathe of fresh air! 

If you don’t mind me asking, over the years or however long. What were your brothers cheating stories like, did they progress, get worse, stay the same? Physical, emotional? 

I am 28, and thinking if this is the future I want, I look back into our relationship and there has always been something or someone. 
If not social media (looking at other women, which he says is partly just a male thing), then closeness with co workers etc. 

No it’s not the life I want - I had hope, so I thought to try again. But I’m seeing the same patterns revolving. 

How long until he gets physical with some again? And by the sounds of it - sounds highly likely. 

His father once said to him that our marriage would end up the same as his. 
His father was close with women, slept around and the mother took it all and ended up having an affair 20years later and they broke off. 

So maybe your right / maybe he sees traits in his son? 

And I am hiding it - I’m extremely embarrassed - extremely. 
But like you said I don’t want to become that person who obsesses over things or other potential women etc it’s not a healthy way to live..


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

The longer you stay quiet the more he thinks what he is doing is fine. So what, he will be resentful and angry for abit but you will have a marriage to work on. You keeping quiet is helping him to keep his secret. 

The ball is in your court. Take your power back from this fool and announce it to everyone who knows him. That should put a halt to his stupidness.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

He has said previously that he will manage it - but because he works with her and some of their work does cross paths it’s difficult to have no communication.. and he did do something as there was a time a few months back when she noticed the difference and text him asking why he was ignoring her which again confirmed they were not strictly professional and it affected her on an emotional level. 
But obviously his way of managing it is not working because he’s still letting things slide and finding ways for it to work for him. 

I will address the tone of me having no tolerances for anything further. However I think it deminishes him as a person - meaning that, that’s just who he is? Meaning sadness and resentment towards me. 

So maybe there’s only one way out?


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

I think you may be right in your words


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

And once it does go physical, he will be able to point to his parents/upbringing as his excuse. He will flip the narrative that HE is the victim so quickly your head will spin.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

He has semi used that before and says he’s hard to change ways when that’s all he saw growing up but that he has come a long way etc and knows he would never cheat again and would never have a emotional relationship again... but to me.. it seems like another one. 

I asked him if we could speak tonight once gets home. 
He says he’s not sure if he can tonight
(Has a deadline due tomorrow) ...

Great.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Basing only on what you've posted.

I think you are naive. Inexperienced. You give him the benefit of the doubt as far as his sincerity. You seem to believe he wants the same thing as you - a loving marriage. He is modeling your marriage based on his father's marriage.

Love. What is it? What does it mean? I see some good things from your husband. He seems generous. He provides. And he seems loyal in his own way. 

But he fools around. He likes it. It is a bit of a sexist attitude, I am a man, I can fool around, but if you do it, we're done. Boys will be boys. I am a man, I have needs. Is that your husband.

You've put up with it for 10 years. You said since the very start there always was something funny going on.

This is a pattern, is it not? He fools around, you call him out, he apologizes profusely and promises never again, time fades (?) (maybe not, or not too long), and then he gets back up to his old tricks, you call him out, he apologizes ... It is a vicious cycle.

Does he love you? I know he loves himself. I don't know if I'd call it love about you. He likes you and wishes you would just turn your head and look away and let that be your unwritten agreement. I don't think he loves the other women, either. He enjoys what they do with them, but it is an amusement. 

I think you've expressed yourself in words. Talking to him any more is useless. Your actions have said something else - I'm unhappy about it, but I'll make the best out of it, for the sake of the kids, but I will not leave you. Maybe he needs a scare. Maybe that will scare him straight. Then again, maybe he is fully formed, set in stone, and he won't ever change his attitudes, or his actions, and you'll be back in it again.

Your husband got oral sex from another woman (probably a lot more, but he admits to that). Meanwhile, those who don't know him intimately (his boss, his family) see him as a good family man. He cultivates that. Yet if you TELL THE TRUTH, he will become very angry. "That's not the Peter I know." Next time his family is gazing at him admiringly, tell them "do you want to know the real Peter, the one I know. Here is the name of his girlfriend, ask her, too. And the one who kissed her, and the one who gave her oral sex. Only us intimates know the real Peter."

I don't know if that's a good idea. It might be, it might not. But I can tell you flat out, most women I know well likely would be yelling immediately the first time oral sex from another woman happens. There would be no keeping secrets.

I get the sense that you are too afraid, you rely on him too much financially, and of course MOST of all the happiness of your children.

It's been 10 years? You can start to change, work on yourself, set a plan, think it over. You don't have to do anything today or tomorrow. Who would you talk to before you started doing something? Your family? Close friends? An attorney?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dees said:


> Yes, divorce is the last thing i would ever want to do for so many reasons! But im not sure i can keep taking the same stuff and to me now its well ok even if he stops it with this woman. Will he just create it with another just like he has with this one.
> 
> I cannot support myself here but if i move back home (overseas) then i can.


It's clear that what he is doing won't stop until it is required to stop, if ever. After this one, there will be another.
People do what they want to do when there are no reasons not to. You haven't really supplied him with a reason not to.
He's had these affairs in the past. My opinion is that the first affair that you mentioned was more than emotional. The chances it wasn't physical are far less than the chances that it was physical.
A woman doesn't prepare to leave her husband for a guy she's never had sex with. It just doesn't happen very often--- I'd say virtually never. Your husband, obviously, is willing to cheat. If not, this wouldn't be happen.

You have good reason to be upset. Your husband is a serial cheater. I don't see there's much you can do other than file. If he is contrite and realizes how close he is to losing his wife, he MIGHT slow down on the cheating. If he isn't, you'd really be better off without him if having an open marriage is not for you. Right now, it's a one-sided open marriage. That cake sure is good for a cheater, I suppose.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

What I see in your post is a whole lot of his *constant* claims of, "I'm innocent" and "nothing happened" and "we're just friends" and "it never went farther than a kiss - which SHE tried to instigate and I wouldn't allow." Yeah, sure.

This poor guy just has women constantly coming on to him and here he is, just sitting there minding his own business, innocent as a lamb, thinking about how much he loves his wife and country, and these ho-bags are just lining up one after the next, all hoping for a chance with him. 

Why, one 'crazy' woman was ready to leave her marriage for him - and he hadn't even _touched_ her. Why, he'd only innocently 'supported' her for a whole year and the foolish woman tried to KISS him once! But he was having none of that, no sir. 

Does this fool actually listen to himself when he tells you these fairy tales? Good lord.

He's not an ingenue. He's not some innocent poor schlep that women flock to and he has to beat them away with a stick. He's an active - and likely *aggressive* - participant in ALL of these affairs. he's the common denominator time after time after time, so his story of innocence just doesn't hold water. And you need to know that just about every cheater on the *planet* tells the same lies he's been telling you - that his so-called "EA" for a year never got physical. What a boatload of steaming manure THAT is.



> He says it’s nothing like that, and he wishes she was a man because it wouldn’t matter that way.


This latest one is just the next one in line in his series of womanizing. This guy is a real idiot because I guess he doesn't realize one shouldn't **** where they eat - and he's made that office his own personal outhouse with all his catting around there.

You'd be extremely naive to actually *believe* the bull**** he's continually fed you year after year about woman after woman after woman.

Seriously. Yes, you're definitely in denial.

Get STD tested. After that, have Mr. Innocent sit down for a Come to Jesus meeting. He'll lie his face off like he's expertly done for *years*, so don't expect any truth from him. But you can at least try.

You can also try digging for further evidence, you can book a poly and drag his lying ass to it, you can visit your lawyer and get an idea of where you'd stand in the event of divorcing this serial cheater, or you can continue to believe his lies as you've done for years but you'll ALSO continue finding out about his latest girlfriends - as you've done for years.

_*That's*_ not going to stop.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

brooklynAnn said:


> Why should the wife have to tell the girl/ow to stay away?
> 
> If the husband had any honor and respect for his wife and family, there would not have been an ow. So, its his duty now that he has invited this person into their lives, to tell her to **** off.
> 
> The blame is entirely 100% his and he should have to take the steps to prove his worth to his wife. If he is unable to see the damage he has created then, maybe it's time for OP to reconsider her marriage.


The Husband needs to tell the girl to back off (and he needs to do the same). Clearer?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As we've seen a million times, a lying cheater will trickle-truth the hell out of you when you get evidence.

Don't worry yourself with looking for evidence. You have all you need. You have a woman that thinks your husband is her boyfriend. And she's not the first.

You need to get to a point of making a decision. Is this guy worth the pain? If not, then start the process of getting loose from him. I wouldn't THREATEN divorce. I either would or I wouldn't. But, you should see a lawyer and find out your options.

Perhaps printing out some divorce papers and leaving them on the table would freshen up his conscience.

However, remember that cheaters trickle-truth when caught or called on their shenanigans. That's all you will get. The whole truth? That's never been witnessed in the history of the planet. So whatever you're told, don't believe that is "all"..... That's just all you're gonna get.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Steelman said:


> The Husband needs to tell the girl to back off (and he needs to do the same). Clearer?


Yeah, and I 'need' to win the lottery.

A lot things 'need' to happen, but they aren't going to.


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## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Thank you for all your supporting words and I completely agree with each of your opinions. 

I had just blinded myself and instead of actually seeing the situations for why they actually are. And clinging onto hope and praying things would be different some day. 

I am going to action on how I feel and the fact that I have accepted these things and I will no longer continue to do so. 
It is breaking me and I cannot be broken entirely for myself and for my children. 
I have given him chances and hoped for the best the way I see it is I should have to scare a person or give them a big ultimatum or consequence to learn. It should be within you and be a want provoked by ones self otherwise it tends to have a time limit and huge resentment which destroys the marriage overtime anyway. You can’t force a person to love you the way they should. 

That is not happening, so I’ve decided to speak with a family member, find out my options and make a plan from there. 

Thank you for clarifying that it’s not just me and it’s not all in my head and I infact do deserve better treatment than that. 

Thanks again


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