# How do I describe what happened? I still can't believe she did it.



## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

I really don't know how to do this without going into lots of back story, but I need advice. My wife has severe depression and we've been aware of it for a few years now. She has been on medication, but issues in the last couple of years at her job have caused her doctor to refer her to a psychologist/psychiatrist, whichever can prescribe medication. He has met with her every few weeks and has been tweaking her medications in order to help her with the extreme anxiety and depression triggers from work. We first became aware of her depression, though, as post-partum some time after our first child was born.

For some background, she is a middle school teacher and has dealt with some horrific events. She had a child in her class whose single mother poisoned all but the eldest sibling and the child in question, and then killed herself. It was especially difficult for my wife because this child choose her as the person to open up to. Another child in one of her classes had a parent shoot themselves in the middle of a school year.

On top of all this, the atmosphere in the building she works in is highly politicized and often toxic, as the faculty themselves are bickering and fighting with each other over minutia instead of doing their jobs, and the principal either doesn't notice or doesn't care, creating for my wife the sense of a hopeless situation.

I think all of this piling up over time and the recent change in meds by her doctor have come to a head tonight. I picked her up from work and on the way home she was very distant. She asked me at one point how much it would cost to break her contract. When I told her it would cost a lot and asked what was wrong she turned away from me and was starting to cry.

In all the social situations we were in before getting home she gave off the appearance of being in a great mood and that nothing was wrong, but in the car and when we got home it took a turn for the worse. We have three kids, two of them babies, and as soon as we hit the door she went down the hall and holed up in the bedroom. I started dinner and left the two younger kids in the living room to go back and check on her.

In the bedroom I tried to ask her what was wrong but she would not tell me. She then requested that I remove all the pills from the room. Now alerted, I asked her why. She said because she asked me to. When I pressed the issue, she said so that she didn't take all of them.

This to me was basically a threat of suicide, and I cannot keep tabs on three kids and check on her every five seconds to see if she's harmed herself, so I pressed for her to come to the living room where I could at least keep an eye on things. After a good ten minutes of discussion I got her to come out. She slept on the couch while I fed the kids dinner and then I had promised them an activity so we did that while she slept. 

As soon as the kids went to bed I cleared the entire house of pills and medicine in general and told her she could go to bed. She immediately went to the bedroom and got in bed. After checking on her I started writing this.

I can't help but think it wasn't a true threat or she wouldn't have bothered to tell me, but at the same time real or not I had to act on it. I have tried to contact her doctor but have been unsuccessful. I don't think this warrants an emergency medical situation, but I am totally unequipped here.

She has had a prior instance of attempted suicide, when she was in 6th grade. She downed a whole bottle of pills but somehow managed to survive. I think I am the only other person that knows about this event. Her mom's side of the family as we have found out has a history of depression.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand I am so angry with her. How dare she hold me/us hostage while she has some kind of breakdown? What could possibly have happened that was so bad she felt it would be better just to end it? On the other hand, I am broken-hearted. My love feels she has no other alternative.

She won't talk to me. She won't participate as a member of the family when she's like this. It puts everything on my shoulders to try and deal with somehow while she checks out. What am I supposed to do?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Call the psychiatrist and tell them. They can give you some guidance. I went through a similar thing with my STBXH, although not with pills. You feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. In my case, it was manipulation on his part, not consciously, but still there. He knew I had reached the end of our relationship and was desparate to keep me there. Not that he wanted anything to do with me, but he needed me to make the money, take care of the children, run the house-while he withdrew from life. The stress can be unbearable. You need to take care of the children and yourself. I know you are probably hiding all this from the kids to protect them. Don't, it won't help. They are not in a healthy environment with their mom, and they know it.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

In all the social situations we were in before getting home she gave off the appearance of being in a great mood and that nothing was wrong, but in the car and when we got home it took a turn for the worse. We have three kids, two of them babies, and as soon as we hit the door she went down the hall and holed up in the bedroom. I started dinner and left the two younger kids in the living room to go back and check on her.

In the bedroom I tried to ask her what was wrong but she would not tell me. She then requested that I remove all the pills from the room. Now alerted, I asked her why. She said because she asked me to. When I pressed the issue, she said so that she didn't take all of them.


I hope you were able to get a hold of your W's doctor to have them help you...

I am similar to your W as I have depression as well. She may be like me in social situations she can wear a "everything is fine" mask. She is probably used to doing this while at work, she has put her problems aside and wear a mask. A mask that shows her student enthusiasm for learning, understanding for her students life situations, happiness and smiles when she doesn't feel it. These things are mentally exhausting (at least for me) and when she's alone with you, her tears are free to fall because she feels safe that you won't judge/criticize/etc. When she gets home, she has nothing left to give because she is mentally exhausted. Not making excuses for her, just trying to offer some insight. 

As far as the pills, I'm not sure if you have depression or not and whether you've ever had to deal with it... But people with depression (or maybe it's just me) can not see light at the end of the tunnel when they are feeling so low. The light (things in life to look forward to, enjoy, live for) just isn't there, it is dark and it is scary because you feel so alone. You feel like no matter how hard you try to claw and scratch your way out of the hole to find the light, you just slide back down into the darkness. After doing this repeatedly, your emotions start convincing you that it can't be done and just give up. But her heart says no, you have a family that you love, you can't leave them like this. So she's asking you to take the pills away in case her emotions start winning the battle. 

Your W has a job that is toxic to her right now. She feels "stuck" because of her contract, there is no way out for her. It's helping to push her back down into her "hole". She can't be the mom she'd like to be right now so she's probably beating herself up for that. More hole pushing... She can't be the wife that you need her to be. More hole pushing... The light is a reason to live (raise your kids, grow old with the man you love, work in the career you went to college for, travel a little, etc) and if you're failing at ALL of these things... you have no light.

My family often can't understand why I'm so exhausted because I haven't went out and ran a marathon or anything. They don't know in my head, I've been fighting a war all day.

I can imagine your frustration, your fear, your own exhaustion. I do truly hope that your wife gets the help she needs and gets her light back. Take care...


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## LFin (Aug 18, 2012)

Speaking from my personal experience, the pills were not meant as a threat but as a cry for help. I have done similar things when I felt I was as low as I could go. It sounds like she is letting you know that she is to the point where she can't handle her depression on her own anymore.

As for wanting to break her contract... when you are depressed you don't want to do anything. Getting through each day it very difficult. Having her talk to someone about it can be very helpful.

Also, it sounds like she might need a change in medication. Medicine works different for everyone. I was on meds that made my depression so much worse. After trying several different types, I feel AMAZING. It was a long process but so worth it.

Sorry you both are going through a hard time. Stay strong!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

The analogy of her wearing many "happy" masks to get through her day was very powerful and very true. The one grain of hope is that she feels "safe" to take off her masks and lets you see the real her. Unfortunately, she may feel the real her is a horrible person, a horrible mother/wife, no matter what you tell her YOU see. 

Toxic work environments are all too common and can't break the toughest person out there. At some jobs my stomach would start to ache the closer I got to the office. Pasting on a smile and dealing with office politics, gossip, tattle telling, horrible management, and awful communication wore me down to the nub. The day I got laid off was the happiest of my life. My H was and still is worried about the lack of a second paycheck but I don't want to go back to prison. If you can find a way to get her out of there, that would be a good start. Her mental health is more important than some contract (in the long run).

The other poster was correct when they said your children probably can feel your wife's depression and your panic, aggravation, exhaustion, and sadness. You have to take of your own self to make sure YOU don't go into a deep depression. 

Right now it sounds like you are spinning plates. Then when you get them all going at once, the one way at the other end starts to wobble, you run and get that plate going when another waaaay at the other end starts to wobble, repeat, repeat, repeat. 

The love you have for your wife is so apparent from your words. It sounds strange to say this, but she is a very lucky woman. A husband who loves her no matter what and beautiful children. She can't see you guys anymore. It's like she is separated from you by a wall and she cannot find a crack in the wall to get out. 

This "contract" she is under, she is viewing as chains. When a person with anxiety has their control and decision making taken away from them (the contract), it becomes more and more of a problem and is perceived as a huge evil thing. I wonder if there is a clause in the contract that would let her go if she went to an in-patient facility to deal with her problems? Perhaps you could contact a lawyer and ask about that. Right now she may feel the only way out is to take her own life. She is desperate. You need to find a way to break this contract legally, that will ease her mind a great deal. She needs to heal.

What would happen in your wife got in a car accident, broke every bone in her body, and was in a coma? She certainly wouldn't be able to hold up her end of the "contract" in that situation. Just because she has no visible injuries, her mind is broken, bruised, and bleeding. She needs to rest and get well. 

Could you keep us posted as things progress? We are all praying that this is the beginning of her crawling to the light. I am on meds and everytime I see my doctor, the first thing they ask is whether I contemplate suicide. Perhaps a doctor could step in as a mouth piece to get your wife out of her job so she can begin to get better.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

I'd like to extend my thanks to everyone so far for their input, particularly those who are dealing with similar issues. I am an odd duck in that respect, as I can relate to those feelings in myself, but only if I'm alone for a significant period of time, say a few days. I then start to get that "why bother" feeling and if kids and work weren't forcing me out of bed I probably wouldn't bother. The odd thing about what I've just said is that most times I prefer to be alone. I am my own contradiction!

At any rate, as an update, things have calmed down somewhat. I did contact her doctor and he removed the med he just added, and also gave us another one to try, but it seems like things are in a de facto draw with her mood. We have tried numerous changes in a single medication, adding meds, and now we are up to four, and it just seems ridiculous. I know a magic pill doesn't exist but it's like trying to add two even numbers with the intent to get an odd one, it just won't happen.

A couple days later when she became more rational we talked and she admitted the gravity of what she did, but she also said she would not apologize for it. I basically told her point blank she was never to do that to me again. I didn't have a consequence for her, but I've never been that serious in my life.

This week seems better. She's participating more with us in the evenings, although she does still tend to get lost in reading her Nook after dinner and it takes a lot to jar her out of what she's reading to pay attention to me or the kids. She's also been going to bed when the kids do. Her reasoning is because of the new schedule she has at school and that she just has to adjust, but I've dealt with too many, "I need to lay down"s in the past to go through that all over again. Our 7 year-old daughter does notice. When she asks me, "Mommy is laying down again?" It breaks my heart but all I can really do is try to be there for our daughter and hope she doesn't have to deal with this situation herself when she's older.

It may very well have been a cry for help, but at the same time to just blankly state she will not apologize for what she put me through has me very upset. She told me back on the night this all happened that she would never tell me these things again because I wouldn't just leave her be. The thing is, all the rest in the world will not help her, it's been tried. 

I guess at the end of all this I really need help with what I can do to keep things positive. How do I keep communication open? When she's going back to the bedroom for her second multi-hour nap of the day how do I affect that? When she sees no point in meeting my needs as her husband, how do I deal with that (other than the obvious way)? I'm...tired.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Teaching especially in these days of endless cuts and layoffs, can really suck. If they have nasty supervisors that are just watching and waiting for someone to make a mistake it makes every day like walking on eggs. My wife was a teacher and I think retraining for another career was the best thing she ever did.
School was known as "the snake pit" in our household.
If you can manage financially, have her take a leave of absence and get her the heck outta there.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Is your wife in therapy as well as medication management? Because here's the kicker--medication can help tremendously, but it doesn't get rid of the root cause for the depression and it doesn't provide the skills to deal with the symptoms in day-to-day life.

It sounds like there is a lot going on in your wife's life that could intensify any biologically based depression that's going on. A miserable job, the grief and stress of the incidents with her students and generally feeling "broken" because of her depression can all be factors in keeping her mired down in this state. If those don't get resolved, frankly there are not enough pills in the world to make her better.

Has she signed a release of information that allows her psychiatrist to speak with you about her condition? If not, you should encourage them to do that. Then you can speak frankly WITH the doc, not just TO the doc when these things happen.

Finally, you should let her know that any threats or attempts at suicide will be taken very seriously by you. They will result in an immediate call to 911 so that they can take her somewhere she will be safe. Then do it. It's a serious threat with very serious consequences and you aren't the professional trained to deal with that.


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

This last week has been very rough. My wife has been removed from all of us, me in particular. She will communicate just enough to get by, but nothing beyond that. I still have control of all medication in the house and although she has been pretty good about asking me directly for the meds she's taking, she also keeps telling me she doesn't want to take them anymore. I am not willing to go through what happens when she stops taking meds again, and have told her as such. I totally agree with COGypsy, medication is not the only answer. She is not officially in therapy, and her reason is that she does not trust the only therapist in town that is in our health insurance network. She has been to her in the past but did not feel like she was being treated seriously.

She has had no involvement with us this week, but yet has been exercising out of the blue. I had finally had enough of being a single parent of three in a house of five, so yesterday I arranged to visit some family and be out of town for the day just to try and get out of the mire for a bit. I enjoyed my break but as soon as I got back it's like I never left. 

We immediately got into an argument about something she insisted that I did not tell her about that was going on today and when I eventually said I didn't want to argue about it she just left and holed up in the bedroom. This was also after she told me she did not want to lie down after telling me she felt ill and I offered to let her go rest. When the kids and I returned from our outing this evening she was still in the bedroom, and has missed lunch and dinner. 

I am so worn out from this. I _want_ to do something, but I know that I really can't help her. She has to do it herself. I agree 100% she needs to be in therapy, especially because she doesn't trust me to tell me what's going on, even though that could save her life. She doesn't talk to anyone about what's going on, and refuses to trust me. I am ashamed to say that I have had to go as far as to read her journal entries in order to keep up with what is going on with her. The problem there is it's dishonest and she only writes when things are bad enough to motivate her to write. In her entries she admits to feeling like failed wife, mother, teacher, but expresses no thoughts on how to move forward, only regret for what she's not doing. Her latest entry from yesterday says that she had contemplated suicide more lately, but will not tell me about them especially after I broke her trust a couple of weeks ago when she did tell me. (Details on that in my original post.)

What do I do? What can I do? I don't want this life. I know things are bad. We are broke with no hope in sight of getting any better. She is having a horrible time at work and it's only been a couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel like it's hopeless too, but I have to keep on fighting with the hope it will get better. 

I feel like I'm enabling her all the time by letting her go sleep so much, but at the same time what should my response be? I have basically been a single father of three this entire week, and although I'm confident I could do it if I had to, I shouldn't have to with my wife in the same house.

I've given serious though this weekend about giving her the big wake up call. The threat of ending our marriage would seem to be my last resort, and to be honest I'm not really sure I could go through with it. I did marry her for a reason, but she has to do her part. Here's the kicker though, if I were to actually go through with something like that, it might just give her the detachment she would need to actually follow through on her suicidal thoughts, and I could not live with myself if something I did directly influenced her in that regard.

I just want things to be the way they are supposed to be. It's quite enough that we are in such a bad position money-wise right now, I really don't need to add the responsibility of someone's life to that as well.

What do I do? What have I don't wrong? What can I do right? I have pretty much left her alone this whole week and haven't interacted with her at all, but at the same time I am desperate to find some positive influence on this situation. I feel like I am being pulled under the surface and I'm not sure how long I will be able to hold my breath.

Please...help.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

How are things going for you? I hope they are getting better.


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