# She rejected my present!



## sweetpeaflower

I have a close friend who is also a co-worker. We have exchanged gifts at birthdays and christmas for 4 years. We will also give things to each other throughout the year. But on her birthday last week, she rejected my present, without opening it or the card. She told me she didn't want it. I tried to make light of it, thinking she was kidding, but she was serious. She said it made her feel bad and she didn't want to feel obligated. She even went so far as to say that if I did it again, she'd find another job.
Needless to say, I was devastated and hurt beyond belief. I left it at her desk after telling her that to my it was not an obligation, that I WANTED to give her a present, because she means so much to me. I told her to take it home and open it later, or whatever.....Then I walked away and cried my eyes out!
How could she be so rude and so cruel? I could NEVER treat someone like that. I was always taught to accept whatever gifts were given to me, as an appreciation that that person took and time and expense to find something for me that they thought I'd like. She had not gotten me a birthday present a couple months ago, but I though nothing of it, because she had had her hours cut back at work. Also, many times, we would delay going out for a birthday lunch/dinner until much later, when it met both of our schedules. I also do not "expect" birthday presents.
I have been so hurt that I have discontinued all conversation with her, except what is necessary. She has not apologized, nor brought it up, and I haven't either. I took the gift back after she left it on my desk after that day. I smashed the sack into the garbage and ripped up her card into little pieces, so she'd see it the next day.
I can't seem to get over this. I am still so hurt... Do you think I did something wrong?


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## Whatshisname

Sounds like she may feel your getting a little too friendly or the relationship is going a way she isn't comfortable with. Be honest with yourself, what are your true intentions?


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## greenpearl

Many reasons. 

She might be jealous of you that you are able to buy nice things and she can't! 

Some misunderstanding might have happened, she was upset with you, and she didn't want to tell you. It is not cleared. 

Anyway, it was rude of her. 

This kind of thing happened a lot within my family when I was young. 

My mother and my aunts were pissed off by each other, but then they felt the need to give gifts for big events, but one gave, the other one didn't want to receive. All of them were hurt! 

It is difficult for a lot of people to get along. 

When I grew up, I didn't want to give my aunts or uncles anything. (It is our custom for married daughters to give gifts when they visit home). I didn't want to cause any drama. I don't care what they think of me. I have never given my aunts or uncles anything!


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## sweetpeaflower

My true intentions was that we were friends, and now we're not! Friends don't **** on each other like that.
greenpearl, yes, I can understand not wanting to give to an aunt or uncle, but a good friend, would you as a friend do that to someone you cared about? AND I'M NOT TALKING SEXUAL, Whatshisname! Just plain, simple friendship.
she send me a nice e-mail on my birthday, that she admired me and was so thankful that we are friends. Now it feels like a stab in the back, which it is!


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## greenpearl

sweetpeaflower said:


> My true intentions was that we were friends, and now we're not! Friends don't **** on each other like that.
> greenpearl, yes, I can understand not wanting to give to an aunt or uncle, but a good friend, would you as a friend do that to someone you cared about? AND I'M NOT TALKING SEXUAL, Whatshisname! Just plain, simple friendship.
> she send me a nice e-mail on my birthday, that she admired me and was so thankful that we are friends. Now it feels like a stab in the back, which it is!


Her hours were cut off! 

She felt bad! 

And she was worried that she might not be able to return the favor! 

It is a terrible feeling. 

And friendships often turn sour because of this and that reason. 

Sometimes we are been genuine nice, and other people don't take it, we often get hurt this way. 

Sometimes we give, and other people just take it for granted, we feel they are not being reciprocal, we stop associating. 

If you have a few close friends, consider yourself lucky!


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## Blanca

Agree with Whatshisname. Sounds like she wasnt comfortable with whatever was developing. If you were good friends she would have told you how she felt but it was obviously awkward for her. It sounds like you were reading more into it then she.


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## AFEH

sweetpeaflower said:


> I have a close friend who is also a co-worker. We have exchanged gifts at birthdays and christmas for 4 years. We will also give things to each other throughout the year. But on her birthday last week, she rejected my present, without opening it or the card. She told me she didn't want it. I tried to make light of it, thinking she was kidding, but she was serious. She said it made her feel bad and she didn't want to feel obligated. She even went so far as to say that if I did it again, she'd find another job.
> Needless to say, I was devastated and hurt beyond belief. I left it at her desk after telling her that to my it was not an obligation, that I WANTED to give her a present, because she means so much to me. I told her to take it home and open it later, or whatever.....Then I walked away and cried my eyes out!
> How could she be so rude and so cruel? I could NEVER treat someone like that. I was always taught to accept whatever gifts were given to me, as an appreciation that that person took and time and expense to find something for me that they thought I'd like. She had not gotten me a birthday present a couple months ago, but I though nothing of it, because she had had her hours cut back at work. Also, many times, we would delay going out for a birthday lunch/dinner until much later, when it met both of our schedules. I also do not "expect" birthday presents.
> I have been so hurt that I have discontinued all conversation with her, except what is necessary. She has not apologized, nor brought it up, and I haven't either. I took the gift back after she left it on my desk after that day. I smashed the sack into the garbage and ripped up her card into little pieces, so she'd see it the next day.
> I can't seem to get over this. I am still so hurt... Do you think I did something wrong?


You said you weren’t expecting anything back from your present giving. Really? Look how pissed you got when you didn’t get back what you were expecting!

Bob


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## SimplyAmorous

If this friend IS a single woman, she is surely feeling the friendship has gotten too close / emotional , too something for HER comfort level, she was feeling this was bound to lead to "more" if she didnt put the brakes on somehow. 

If I was single and a man at my work always got me presents, I would DEFINITELY feel he was after me , UNLESS you were buying presents & gifts for everyone in the office cause you are such a great giving guy. *Was she the only one*?

And if I had absolutely NO intention of ever getting together with him, I would have stopped the gifts very quickly -NOT because of obligation issues , because for me (& many women would feel this way), it would represent the guy is pursuing her -even if in a small way to get his "feet in the door". 

Many *NICE* men *feel* it is best to be "friends" first, so saying that would not mean much to some women. 

She likely became uncomfortable at some point (maybe others at work started talking to her about it )- is there rumors at work about you having a crush on her? Some things are very obvious to others. 

She came to realize it was not healthy (for her or you) in the long run beings she only wanted to be "'casual friends at work" , even if you had no extra intentions (which I suppose is possible but for men, this is usually NOT the case), she wanted to nip it in the butt. 

If you had a girlfriend, I doubt she would be comfortable with this gift giving with this friend, and if /when she gets a Boyrfriend, he also would find it "strange" and want it stopped. 

The fact you wanted her to see that gift in the garbage can ripped up & destroyed the next day will even make her feel MORE uncomfortable. 

I do feel she should have handled it in a better way, and not like this, it was very cold. I agree with you there. 

Alot of women want to appear "nice" and not blow the guy out of the water too harshly, they are concerned with their feelings. BUt are they doing them any favors doing this? I say NO !!!!! They are just avoiding a future fallout, where the hurt will be 10 times worse- the way you are feeling right now. I think maybe she let things go on way too long and decided to "woman up". 

Just the impression I get from your original post.


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## Jellybeans

Let it go.

Respect her wishes re: the present and do not gift her anymore with anything.

She even mentioned she may find another job--that is a huge red flag that you need to back way off.

From now on, I would handle her with kid's gloves and only discuss work-related things. No more being "friendly."


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## sweetpeaflower

ok, misunderstanding going on. I am female, not male.


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## Whatshisname

My apologies SweetPea, I meant no offense but my post may not have sounded how I wanted it to. I'm truly sorry she reacted this way and I can understand how hurtfull this was. Who knows why people do some of the things they do!


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## SimplyAmorous

sweetpeaflower said:


> ok, misunderstanding going on. I am female, not male.


That was a huge MISunderstanding a right, I was wondering why a guy would call himself SweetPeaflower, feeling that was very very odd. Sorry!!


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## Mike188

At the life insurance company where my wife works, the boss's wife became infatuated with the boss's secretary. At first they were very good friends and spent a LOT of time together (nothing sexual) and they were always at each other's house. They worked out together, ate lunch together, everything. The boss's wife eventually started "working" at the office and even had her own office, but mostly she just hung out with the secretary and wanted to talk to her all day.

After a while the secretary started to feel smothered and wanted some distance, the secretary's husband was getting a little annoyed at the amount of time they were spending together, people in the office were starting to talk about how creepy the relationship had become. Like an obsession. The joke around the office was that if the secretary ever disappeared, then she was probably in the wife's freezer.

As the secretary tried to "break up" and get a little space and freedom back the boss's wife took it personally and things got really weird. There was a lot of animosity and resentment from all over the office (yes, this is the most screwed up work place I have ever seen). Now the office is in shambles for this and several other similar reasons.

I would just be careful to make sure that you aren't smothering her or being too needy in the relationship. Be cool, give people space, don't try to get too close to fast, only go as far as you sense people are comfortable with. Some people have the ability to sense this and read people and others don't.


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## Jellybeans

Is it possible she thought you had romantic feelings for her?


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## sweetpeaflower

No way. No romantic feeling at all. We don't do things together hardly ever. Just are friends at work, and have always done presents, until now. We might go to lunch a few times a year.
It's just that if she didn't want to exchange presents anymore, she should have said something about it before her birthday, knowing that I was going to get her a little something.
She still acts like there is nothing wrong. someone suggested that I get her a book of etiquette. NOT! (She's not getting anything from me again, not even a tea bag to try)


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## sweetpeaflower

It is a strange friendship. We were not friends before we met at work. She will sit and talk to me about her problems and ask for advice at times, and I do the same with her. We visit about work and personal matters, but we don't do much together outside of work. She is anti-social, and doesn't like crowds. She doesn't even come to our work X-mas party. 
Maybe we shouldn't have been the gift-giving type friends, but if so, it would've been nice of her to mention her concerns before this, and certainly not at the time where I was giving her a birthday present.
I am just so done with this "friendship" that apparently wasn't. I don't need that kind of person in my life. I am going to concentrate on the other true friends that I have and quit putting any energy into this one.


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## notaname

I think you might be making a bigger deal of this than you need to. Yes it was hurtful, but I don't think you need to scrap the work-friendship over it.

It looks to me like she is financially unable to do the gift thing anymore and is embarrassed by it. She had no idea how to deal with it so she just didn't say anything and then hoped you would somehow get the message when she didn't give a gift to you on your bday. For her gifts are reciprocol (sp?). You've said she is anti-social...obviously communication is NOT her strong suit.

The two of you view gifts and gift giving differently. Neither are wrong, just different. She handled it badly when she wanted to stop exchanging gifts. She should have just been frank and honest at a non-gift giving opportunity, but she didn't.

I would forgive her and move on. Be friends, don't be friends. But don't be bitter over it.


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## ChelseaBlue

notaname said:


> It looks to me like she is financially unable to do the gift thing anymore and is embarrassed by it. She had no idea how to deal with it so she just didn't say anything and then hoped you would somehow get the message when she didn't give a gift to you on your bday.
> 
> The two of you view gifts and gift giving differently. Neither are wrong, just different. She handled it badly when she wanted to stop exchanging gifts. She should have just been frank and honest at a non-gift giving opportunity, but she didn't.
> 
> But don't be bitter over it.


This is the response that makes sense in this situation.

Disregard the responses that question a romantic connection. There was nothing in your posts that suggest anything along those lines.


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## moxy

It sounds like she is uncomfortable with the level of closeness between you two. Maybe you should talk to her and ask her if she was somehow offended by you or if she is feeling some kind of conflict in the friendship. It sounds like she is creating a little distance between the two of you; the question is whether she is trying to push you away politely or just maintain boundaries. She may just not feel comfortable with gifts and nothing more; you don't have to feel so offended about something that simple. I gather, however, that something more is going on in the dynamic. Maybe she feels obligated to be closer to you than she wants to be and the gifts are worsening that for her?


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