# Middle age men and infidelity



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

This is what I think about what happens with many marriages over time. Many of the posts here are from younger marriages and people. For those I feel very sad that you have had this happen so early in your lives! I hope my son or daughter will not go through this in their lifetime. My post is mostly about middle-aged men and affairs with younger women in our culture, but it could apply to younger marriages.

It appears to me that people don't take their vows seriously, which is a sad evolution. It seems our parents had marital troubles, but tended to stay together. It is what it is now, and women are more independent. Some single women seem to not have ethical boundaries and choose married men, and so the men have more tempation out there, and this is the same for the women, so as a result more marriages break up because infidelity doesn't stay under the covers like it did years ago. 

Both sexes need friends and that is healthy, but from what I have learned, men have more difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries to prevent infidelity, especially when they are in middle age, and there are many younger women out there that are looking for "alpha" older men. As well older men that are successful are particulary attractive to and attracted to younger women...

The diffuculty is if the men travel, which is my personal experience, then the likelyhood is much greater with an "alpha" male. 

This is my observation so far in all I have been studying for what it's worth. Hope this helps anyone!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your observation is right on target! That's definitely what happened in my case. Those young things really know how to stroke a mid-aged man's ego. They are then willing to give up the family and everything they (and their spouse) worked for. It really stinks! 

This says a lot about our culture. These young single women see nothing wrong with dating a married man now. I remember receiving several lectures while growing up on that very thing--leave married men alone, period! It seems to be okay in our culture now.

cao, are things improving any for you? Things just get worse here on my front. Although I go to counseling, it just doesn't seem to ease the bitterness. My children and I have almost lost everything over a 24 year old bimbo.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi 827Aug,

I think things have gotten better, but now he is gone again as of this week on another long-term trip and hasn't called for now going on 3 days. (I called him a few times and he called back) It would be easy for him to call just to say hello when he gets off work at 7PM in between dinner and driving back to the place he's staying. I wonder if I've been in denial thinking things are "back to normal".

I wonder if things will ever be he same. There seems to be no romance where there once was, and so I am wondering if it's just a matter of time when the next tempation comes along and if he will take it. I tried very hard to establish a connection while he was home but now that he hasn't called I feel I've failed.

The statistics are very discouraging about men wandering, and of course it doesn't help to hear about the governor of So. Carolina.

I am sorry you have been through so much...you are right it stinks.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ugh I really have issues w/single women being ok w/dating or sleeping w/married men....it just pisses me off to no end. What homewrecking hoes....sorry end rant.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

oh and vice versa as well


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

np, Rhea...I agree...rant all you want...  

Those who deal w/married people just don't know the heartache it causes. One day they will...and, I think, discover true remorse.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I totally agree!:iagree:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm laughing now!!! Yeah, the stbx cheated on me. He will cheat on them too--he had a lot more at stake with me. Or, they will grow tired of him and cheat on him. I know it is going to happen at some point. I'll just sit back and watch:rofl:


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## advocator (Jun 29, 2009)

Culture has nothing to do with, its called natural selection.

Turn on national geographic and watch a couple of nature shows.

Amazing how the old ones go after the young ones.

and even how the old ones fight for the young ones.

Imagine if this happened in society .


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

advocator said:


> Culture has nothing to do with, its called natural selection.
> 
> Turn on national geographic and watch a couple of nature shows.
> 
> ...



Yeah, but in the animal kingdom, money doesn't matter! This little problem we are seeing has to do with MONEY. The men cao are refering to are usually well-off middle-age professional men. Many of those young women wouldn't even be giving them the time of day if they didn't have MONEY.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Yes, I agreed it has SOMETHING to do with money, but my husband has none to spare, but enjoys pretending he does. When cornered, he says either I have eyes on all the accounts or that I spent it shopping. When he has to face facts, I'm to blame. He orders lunches, loans money to co-workers (that never pay back, he he never ask for it)... I guess it makes him feel special in some sick sort of way. Meanwhile, I get yelled at for not earning enough. If I did (he says), he wouldn't have these kinds of problems - no pocket money. Since when did $200. fishing rods become a necesssity & why does he store them in his office at work?!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I guess I'm a little bugged by the tone of this posting. Not hugely, mind you, however I have to admit that I am.

See, I think the focus is on the idea that it is middle aged men that cheat, toss aside their current wife and fool around with someone new. 

Not saying this doesn't happen. It does. However, there are cheating wives doing the very same thing.

It's not a fair thing to do, to point out that men are cheating on their wives without acknowledging that essentially the same rate of wives are doing likewise to their husbands.

There are a lot of men whose wives are cheating on them too.

Like I said, not so much bugged that you're expressing your anger and pain about cheating men. It's just the tone, as if women don't do likewise.

They do.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I know where cao is going with this post--it is hard to explain. The therapist and I have discussed this topic a lot; I've learned a lot more on this specific area of cheating. YES, women do cheat. How many middle-age women do you see running around with a man 20 years her junior? And in a lower social/economic class than she? You rarely see that. Statistically a wife of one of these middle-age professional men is going to find a man who is an equal. Do you see many poor middle-aged men with a girl friend who is 20 years younger. I doubt in that scenario, VERY few of the men are married! My therapist says what makes the difference here is the money. These young women will date a MARRIED middle-age professional. They don't care who they hurt! The young thing comes to rescue of a man going thru his mid-life crisis and it allows her to ascend the social/economic ladder quickly. They both win! It is the devoted wife and children who lose.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Well, my wife chose to cheat with a man who was not even in the same league as I am economically, intellectually, and morally. He may have had me on physique seeing as he was a laborer.

I'm not discounting anyone's pain. I just don't think there is a moral high ground based on gender. That it is ALWAYS the long-suffering wife and mother who gets hurt.

Women cheat.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

You Michzz are right women do it too no disagreeance there.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

michzz said:


> Well, my wife chose to cheat with a man who was not even in the same league as I am economically, intellectually, and morally. He may have had me on physique seeing as he was a laborer.
> 
> I'm not discounting anyone's pain. I just don't think there is a moral high ground based on gender. That it is ALWAYS the long-suffering wife and mother who gets hurt.
> 
> Women cheat.


I'm sorry michzz! Everyone does get hurt where infidelity is concerned. Now let me ask a question since your wife is on the fringes of the Bell Curve (statistically speaking). Is the other man 20 years her junior? Probably not. My therapist says we rarely see all those things with a cheating wife. It has been really hard on me to look at the age of these women my husband destroyed our marriage over. Basically I feel as though I gave the best years of my life to a relationship. I'm then tossed out for a younger model. That's the aspect which has caused me considerable grief. In the end I was treated as an old car--something which was to be traded in on a newer, flashier model. At my age, I'll just have to hope someone my age appreciates a "classic". lol Anyway, that's the point I believe cao was making.

michzz, hang in there. I for one am not bashing all men. You are correct; there are plenty of cheating, selfish women out there. And I don't like the pain they cause either.


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## TRACER (Jun 9, 2009)

My husband cheated with a younger married woman. They both gave up their spouses and she even gave up her young child. Although the relationship only lasted a few weeks once they moved in with one another.Goes to show ya the grass isn't greener on the other side and that both women and men cheat. Married or single.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Stop throwing men under the bus here, it is easyt to use an excuse that it is all men or just the way men are. Ever here of the term Cougars? What about these female school teachers sleeping with young males there is even a "top 25 list" out there. This is not one sided.

People cheat for personal reasons something is wrong in their marriage.

I am almost 40 I have younger women hit on me all the time, I do look younger then almost 40, they are usually shocked when I say I will be 40 soon. But I never cheated on my wife I never bailed on her. I find her more attractive and exciting now then when we met 19 years ago.

Peoples marriages get stale because people let it get stale, a marriage is a constant work a constant evolution. It needs to be worked on constantly. When you don't maintain something it will fall apart or break.

People forget that. I am sure if my wife was boring or bitccy I would go somewhere else, same for my wife if I was a jerk or complacent to her.

look in the mirror to why your marriages failed, people who take it as "business as usual" often miss the boat when it sails.

What did your spouse like when you dated? got excited over? why did it stop? How can you change it? what can you do to enhance it?

communicate or suffer the consequences of saying nothing at all.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Okay, I have a couple of issues here...one, I'm 40 and I am now married for the third time...the first two ex skanks cheated on me, I was compassionate, loving, romantic and did all I thought I should be doing but yet...it wasn't enough.

I'm happily married to a wonderful woman ten years my junior and I'm looking at buying stock in the "third times a charm" company.

But I digress...not all men are cheaters and not all of us are looking at a sack ride with a younger woman...

I did my share of flings and stings and God knows what else because of the business I was in at the time was a cesspool of debauchery...I spent many a night with married women back in that portion of my life...didn't blink an eye about doing so. I wasn't cheating, they were..

Not all men are the same TYVM...

Preacher


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## realnickles (Jul 1, 2009)

I think you guys are taking offense here to the wrong issue; men aren't being "thrown under the bus." The original poster was merely pointing out a trend, namely that middle-aged men who DO cheat often find themselves with willing young women who don't care about their marital status. No one ever said that all men cheat, or even that women do not cheat as often as men.

No, the issue that was being discussed is the idea that when men of a certain age cheat on their wives with younger women, their spouses must undergo a great degree of self-doubt. In our society, women are judged left and right for their youth and beauty while men are judged for their power and prestige. The problem? Youth and beauty can fade quickly; power and prestige (re: money) does not.

That's what I've gathered from this conversation, anyway. Don't be so quick to get defensive; I've known many women who've cheated on boyfriends and husbands, and as a rule, I feel the same about them as I feel about cheating men.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

realnickles said:


> i think you guys are taking offense here to the wrong issue; men aren't being "thrown under the bus." the original poster was merely pointing out a trend, namely that middle-aged men who do cheat often find themselves with willing young women who don't care about their marital status. No one ever said that all men cheat, or even that women do not cheat as often as men.
> 
> No, the issue that was being discussed is the idea that when men of a certain age cheat on their wives with younger women, their spouses must undergo a great degree of self-doubt. In our society, women are judged left and right for their youth and beauty while men are judged for their power and prestige. The problem? Youth and beauty can fade quickly; power and prestige (re: Money) does not.
> 
> That's what i've gathered from this conversation, anyway. Don't be so quick to get defensive; i've known many women who've cheated on boyfriends and husbands, and as a rule, i feel the same about them as i feel about cheating men.



very well said


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I was a single divorced woman between 24-28. I could have been TOW, young thing to literally *DOZENS* of middle aged married men! 

Men I worked with, men in bars, men in gas stations. I was young for crying out loud, and here are these 42-58 year old men (some even OLDER) making stupid goo-goo eyes at me!

I wouldn't touch a married man with a ten foot pole and _certainly_ not a man at that age! Good Lord!

I went out with ONE man when I was 24 and he was 43. Over my steak dinner he tells me he has twin daughters my age. I LOST my APPETITE. Last "older man" I ever dated, he was divorced.

I think older men are at the younger women to prove they are some sort of stud still. :rofl: How insecure is THAT?

If my dh ran around with some EVEN 30 year old (he is sixty this month and really attractive, mind you..) I'd start laughing! Seriously. I'd say to him: "Are YOU OK??". He would look at me and say: "Yes, I have lost my senses, SLAP me out of it...." as my dh KNOWS a man who does this has _lost his mind_! 

DH comments on these guys like the SC Governor, or Bill Clinton who have these wonderful careers going full blast and then the idiot throws a wrench in it making a public a## of himself. 

DH says: "I taught my _little_ brain a long time ago the _big _brain is in charge.... ":rofl::rofl:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Okay, I have a couple of issues here...one, I'm 40
> 
> Preacher


JD, you are 40 NOW...you are young yet, we are talking men who are in ESTABLISHED long term marriages....too. 

Insecure guys...you are obviously NOT one of those. :smthumbup:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Loved the post Sandy55. That brought back memories for me as well. When I was in the 16 to 22 age group, I used to have constant attention from the men over age 40. Although I enjoyed the attention, there was no way I was going to date them. It never even crossed my mind! It was just not acceptable! Gosh, my parents' wrath would have been unbearable (even in the 70's and 80's). Our culture is changing.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ugh, I just don't understand why people can't end a marriage first then go find someone else, nor can I understand why people whom are single must be w/married people...yes two to tango I know the rule, but go find someone single to tango with please men and women both. No sexist or ism here on that part. It disgusts me on both sides. I disagree w/if you don't do this your spouse will cheat so stop complaining...if your spouse can't do this or that or won't do this or that then respectfully separate and then go boff someone else. Just my opinion.

Hey...is that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd sure like to tap that a$$...

just something funny to end my rant with lol


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

All,


827 Aug, realnickles your eloquent posts were right on and thanks for clarifying my post.

My comments were not to say that women don't cheat on their husbands as much as husband cheat on their wives...I certainly wasn't trying to push men under the bus...There are very many different scenarios for cheaters. I see in this forum many loyal husbands getting hurt by infidelity as well. I was simply carving a slice of the big picture of a pattern I see. 

Aug87, your explanation *very true*..that younger women sometimes are attracted to older established men because of the money ...I see it as the traveling men, or men in their work environment. They may have their reasons for accepting the attention from the younger woman but they ARE many times targets. 

BUT Sandy55, you brought out a very important point that many times middle aged men flirt with the younger women...so maybe they are not so much targets as they *invite* the attention to stroke their insecure egos...?? So Whom is really the target?? Or maybe it's just the formula.

I do just think it's a shame when loyal partners get cheated on and/or left for another after years of caring and devotion. As Preacher said it happens and so sometimes no matter what one does it can't be prevented. It hasn't happened to me yet but almost did..and I am wondering if it still could. 

Wrapping up the concerns middle-aged women have about their middle-aged partners I think realnickles made a point to ponder:

_In our society, women are judged left and right for their youth and beauty while men are judged for their power and prestige. The problem? Youth and beauty can fade quickly; power and prestige (re: money) does not._


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

JD -- you weren't cheating, they were? 

Do you realize that without someone willing to be with a married person, cheating couldn't occur? You are just as culpable. The fact that you have no respect for someone else's marriage says much about you. And remember -- what goes around comes around.

I think in general, men tend to go for younger women because younger women are more impressed with them and feed their need to be admired. Also, younger women tend to be more interested in sex (at least until they get the guy to leave their wives and marry them.) 

What these guys are missing from the women they married is that admiration part. It means a lot to most men to be seen as effective and helpful and important in their lives. They also want us to desire them physically.

If you forget those things, you're in serious danger of losing your husband.

People need affirmation. It is the food for relationships.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I like to look. It's what men do.

I'm 56 and see girls that are my daughter's age (or less). Am I interested? No. Do I like the way they look? He!! yes! Would I "want" them...no fu.king way!!

I like my women more mature...someone who knows what she wants and enjoys in a relationship. 

Young girls?!? uugghh! I can get all that at Hooters. 

I've never felt the need/urge to "prove" myself. My ONLY concern was my partner's satisfaction! 

Ok, so maybe I'm the exception...IDK, but I know I don't want to date/have sex with someone of my daughter's age!

Dobo...if you NEED the admiration...you're not mature enough to handle it.

But I do understand the OP...but ONLY because it's what we hear about! Not necessarily because it's true. Just like the evening news...it's always bad...never the good stuff!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

_I think in general, men tend to go for younger women because younger women are more impressed with them and feed their need to be admired. Also, younger women tend to be more interested in sex (at least until they get the guy to leave their wives and marry them.)_

I am 56 and am always there sexually and physically for my husband. The old thought that mature women "dry up" and are no longer interested in sex is a myth, I feel, unless I'm the exception, but I don't think so. I also am always responsive to his needs and give him plenty of attention. He still wandered to an EA with a woman that could have been his daughter but was away for a year.

It may be true in some relationships that men don't feel appreciated and enjoy the attention from a younger woman and it evolves from there. And I agree that not all men are alike...just drawing out that a pattern in our society.


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## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

I absolutely agree that Money is a motivating factor for these younger women. my middle-aged husband make great money, drives a nice car, and looks like a movie star (knew I shouldn't have married such a good looking guy!). and this other woman comes prancing into our marriage (who has a kid by the way) and wrecks our home. granted, she's not the only one to blame. but to me, she took advantage of my husband's vulnerablity at the time and I could see that she only has one motive. these young girls have no morals what so ever. and what an example she is to her own child. that poor kid...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Based on what I've gleaned here, when I finally dump by cheater wife i should go find a new woman who's 10-15 years her junior and rub her nose in it by being oblivious to her shock at being replaced with a younger, more vibrant model.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

LOL! Just make sure you can afford her!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

dcrim said:


> LOL! Just make sure you can afford her!


:rofl:

Yeah, because the money has to be there for many of them. Those women we are describing in this post tend to flutter to and fro. And these relationships with married men tend not to be long-term. My therapist describes these women as "Tinker Bells"--they are there for the good parts of life. Michzz you want better than that!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

If my dh found a younger woman to run off with, all I'd think is:

"We ALL get older...".  

After all we've been through I honestly don't want him if he doesn't want me. Simple as that. Life is too darn short.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Oh, I'm not seriously contemplating do that. However, I know my wife now. at this point I know it would wound her pride to know that despite her deception and feeling like she's got it all going on with the proverbial bag of chips, she is replaceable with a new model.

It really hasn't occurred to her -- yet.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Ok this is a terribly long post, please edit if you can.

I think this is an interesting topic because it touches on money, sex, age, marriage, and infidelity very directly. 

Its an important observation to note you are talking about the 2 groups at the height of thier sexuality. A 25 year old man may look better than a 40 year old, but this post is evidence of the fact that for weman that doesn't matter; like the ultimate combo for men is young, fit, hot and impressionable(gullible), the ultimatle combo for weman is middle aged, wealthy, married, and interested.

Also note that having extra money is a prerequsite for having extra weman, so if you spend all your money on one woman an extra one is out of the question. 

I think some of you weman talk about girls who go for weathy men while forgetting how expensive a wife and family are. 

The reason men talk about young attractive weman is thats the only thing anyone talks about. This culture is totally fixated on what the girls in beer comercials think is cool, and trying to be that. douring one comercial there was a public service announcement about the worth and inner beauty of females followed by a clamation cookie dancing with a tall blonde in a short black dress,to sell COOKIES they were useing "what does the sexy girl want you to do". Our entire marketing and advertising sectors are focused on how to actually get the pairing we are talking about here to DO stuff. 

That more than anything is what is breaking families and society down, the men now try to be "sexy" instead of passing on traditions and milestones to thier son's, and little girls see thier moms always comparing themselves to 18 yr olds, so they grow up doing that instead of learning how to take care of a house. My childhood was nothing like my fathers, who grew up dirt poor in 1960's~1970's Brazil, or like my sons who at 4 plays the Wii, has been punched by the neighbor boy, loves Little Einstiens web site, and has a totally multiracial neighborhood. 

What that means to todays marriage is its old fashioned values are under more pressure today than ever before. So many stories on this website abotu Match.com profiles, just as many about husbands lost to Massivly Multiplayer games, driving thier wives into EA through the Instant Messenger(e.i. me). No previous generation of marriage has had that kind of opportunity of meeting new people. the younger woman older man thing has always been around, its a near architype scenerio. 

Also I think those girls smart enough to wring some advantage out of the situations are the best off because alot of young girls get involved with really the wrong middle-aged guy and it wrecks the rest of thier life. 

If you are a woman lucky enough to find yourself married a long time to a guy with enough money that any kind of wooing of a prime girl could go unnoticed, your lucky enough to share if your man needs to go there. 

I can see where a guy comes from after spending every paycheck for 15 odd years on one woman while watching her prime slip away and then decides to do what everything in his culture tells him to do and "trade in". If you are at all weak it can happen. 

The only protection is a strong relationship, and not to be swayed by messages just trying to get you to part w your money.


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