# Shout-out to Sofa Sleeper



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I don't know if I'm allowed to do this, so if I'm not I'm very sorry and it won't happen again.

But, since Sofa's old thread was closed, she has nowhere to go to vent. I vent too; it's one of my more unpleasant habits, and also one of my few healthy coping mechanisms. And when I have nowhere to pour my heart out, I feel very cut-off, isolated, and uncared for. So I've made a second thread to ask how @Sofa Sleeper is coping and give her a place to unburden herself.

Good luck, better guidance, and healing to you, Sofa.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Awww that's very kind of you. Thank you. I guess this can be my online recovery journal. 

Today I feel much unrest about making a move by myself with 6 kids across two states. Actually unrest is more like panic. I'm terrified. Most know I'm suffering from depression and probably need my Prozac dosage upped, but depression and then the daunting task of packing up a 2400 square foot four bedroom house by myself, pulling kids out of school, changing doctors, trying to find a job when I've been a stay at home mom to our babies, having to leave my toddlers with someone else while I work, trying to find an apartment to rent and then dealing with the heartache of my marriage on top of it all is too much to bear. I have no peace about the move. I'm afraid I'm making a horrible mistake. I even feel pressured to make the move asap (as in be there by October 1st) by friends and family.
Running from my pain to find comfort has been an issue obviously. Isn't this doing the same?? Running to where there's the comfort of my family?? Am I not repeating THAT pattern? My kids will be 7 hours away from their daddy too. That means they will rarely see him. I'm second guessing this. Maybe I should just downsize and move into a less expensive rental house here. Our rent we've paid here for 3 years is STEEP. The kids can stay in their schools, I can keep my one day a week job at the church (where my salary is crazy good), I can keep my therapist without having to start all over with another one, the kids can see their dad often, etc. Life can stay normal for my kids with the least upset. I'm torn. Hurting. Hurting for my husband and hurting for my kids. 

I feel like no matter how hard I try, I still fail. I still end up hurting people. Disappointing them. Saying, feeling or doing the wrong things. It's paralyzing. I just want my family back. I'm willing to let go of it to gain it, but does that mean I have to move far away?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I don't think it's the same this time. Running into the arms of your bandmate was something your husband obviously _didn't_ want you to do, and moving out was something he _did_ ask of you, so that's the difference.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are a fellow musician so I will use and analogy that may help you. When you first learn to play the piano it's not necessarily fun. It's just work. Part of the time you think to yourself I stink am I ever going to get better at this. But if you practice your fingers start to learn muscle memory and you start to remember what the notes on the staff represent. You get to the point where it becomes second nature. Then there is great joy that comes out of that work and it is much easier. The reward is there for everyone to see.

Right now you are at the first stages, you need to learn a new way to think, you need to establish new patterns. However assuming you keep practicing you will get better at it. The earliest days are the worst. That is where you are right now. 

I hope you will follow my advice and start posting on the board I said, and start talking about what your issues have been. The will give you ideas of books to read to learn how to practice correctly. They will hold you accountable. 

Anyway here are some books that are always recommended.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=G61JT3J44M31X71F3NK9
https://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-...F8&qid=1505507670&sr=1-5&keywords=toxic+shame


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Being around family will be good. Any of them able to help with child care while you work?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

The children's well being needs to be paramount and if they will be able to see their father more easily and stay in the same schools, perhaps moving to a cheaper place in your current area for six months would be a better transition for them. What was the thinking behind moving so far away, just to be closer to your family, or was it something you wanted or Rocket wanted?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I would tell you and RS the same thing.

One day at a time.

One foot in front of the other.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thanks y'all. Actually it was my idea to move away, not his. I thought staying where I will see my husband often would make me just want him more and prevent me from getting well. I asked for his blessing and he gave it to me. I'm just not feeling any peace about it at all. Another reason is this...it's psychological I'm sure, but I'm moving back to Branson, Missouri. Terrible life changes have happened there from when I lived there before. One, my first divorce happened there and I found out that husband had been having an affair for months before. And two, my dad committed suicide there. It's like a bad omen to me. Now I DID marry Rocket there (my daddy married us on my parents back porch) and our first daughter was conceived and born there as well. Going back there is just a reminder of sadness for me though. Every time we even go back to visit I say, "I hate this place". 

Sokillme, thank you. I totally get that analogy. Thanks. I will buy the books and read them. Today, other books I ordered from Amazon came in. I've been a reading machine lately. They are "Healing from Infidelity" by Michele Weiner-Davis (the lady that came up with the 180), and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. 

When I think of staying and just finding a smaller less expensive place to rent, instantly ly the anxiety leaves me. Another reason is because my 17 year old son from my first marriage is a senior and wants to graduate from his school with his friends. Rocket has raised him with me and considers him his own son. My son was going to stay with Rocket (who now lives with his parents) to finish out the school year. So, a family being ripped apart is the truth. It's just all crazy. I feel more peace staying. I have thought about getting involved with a crisis pregnancy center here or something to contribute my life somewhere too. I just want stability for my kids and to feel like I'm not suffocating from guilt and pain. I wake up everyday and think OMG this is still real. I'm an idiot and have lost everything precious to me and then I don't even want to get up. I just wanna stay there and bawl or text Rocket how sorry I am and how much I hate what I've done to him and our family. 

I want my family back


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Right now you are at the first stages, you need to learn a new way to think, you need to establish new patterns. However assuming you keep practicing you will get better at it. The earliest days are the worst. That is where you are right now.


That's true - one step at a time with your tasks ahead of you and with your new life. Nothing stays the same and you're at the start of the journey to the rest of your life. Just deal with each day and each task/job as it comes, try to relax a little about it and don't look at the whole future right now, just look at what's in front of you and take the next step.

I also agree with blahfridge about perhaps considering staying in the area because there seem to be so many benefits for you and the rest of your family (including your H) in doing so. He can have much more access to the kids and help out with them when you need it. You share children so you have to deal with each other in the future and accepting help and support from him is more likely to foster a friendly attitude between you (it can take time but is a real possibility). The kids' education won't be disrupted, nor will they have to suffer limited time with their father. I think that's the option that would suit you and your little family best. You'll become more independent more quickly and can look forward to a brighter and healthier future that way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Moving may not be the best choice. Maybe a desperate choice?

I have never had good results when I made a decision from pain or desperation.

Your children should be considered first.

Peace.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sofa- are there rental places in your area in your price range? I'd personally say don't work at crisis pregnancy center cause they don't have a great reputation but there are likely many places that you could help at, ones you could bring your kids too and have the whole family involved. 

Would you be needing a full time job if you stayed in town?


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thanks. I'm leaning that way today and feel much more at peace. I felt so rushed to make a decision (by friends and family) and get things moving asap and it felt forced. Rash decisions are often bad ones. I don't need to make ANY more bad decisions. 

Side note, Rocket and I are still very friendly. He comes over for dinner some, we hang out together, and still are kind to each other and care about each other's well being. We help each other with things too. We have bad days too when he floods and is angry (and I recognize it and take it and turn the other cheek, so to speak) and days when I get angry myself and lash out too. We both apologize though and understand it's just a difficult time for us. I know how each of us feels at a particular moment is not necessarily how we feel overall or will feel forever, so we give each other some grace there. He knows he is welcome here anytime. He still takes a nap in our bed here and there even when he comes over. This is still his home, I'm still his wife and these are still his kids. We are just separated and trying to focus on our separate recovery until he can file for divorce which isn't even until next July.

Slowlygoingcrazy, no I wouldn't need a full time job if I stay. My church job pays me what most people make in a full time weekly job for just working on Sunday mornings from 8:30-12:30. Of course the kids go to church too so it's like takin my kids to work...even though it's not really work. I do what I love and get paid for doing so. I'm surrounded by great people there too that love us.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's obvious from your posts that you're running scared. Take a little time to decompress and think with a clearer head. You don't have to interact with Rocket in person - just through text and only about finances and children. No relationship talk.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like it's beneficial to the children, in particular, to remain in the area. Maybe that would be the best choice.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like it's beneficial to the children, in particular, to remain in the area. Maybe that would be the best choice.




I agree ... I think you should stay. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just make sure if Rocket needs to detach you don't intrude on his healing. That is just as important.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thank you. The anxiety over moving was making me nauseous. And even imagining that moving truck pulling away and me and the kids having to say goodbye to Rocket was too much to bear. That is very traumatic for little kids too. Also, Rockets parents absolutely adore our children and even my two older boys and treat them like their own grandsons. I would be taking that away from my in-laws and my boys which is also not fair.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Thank you. The anxiety over moving was making me nauseous. And even imagining that moving truck pulling away and me and the kids having to say goodbye to Rocket was too much to bear. That is very traumatic for little kids too. Also, Rockets parents absolutely adore our children and even my two older boys and treat them like their own grandsons. I would be taking that away from my in-laws and my boys which is also not fair.


 Re: The move to Branson
What does Rocket want? I mean truly want, not just agreeing to your suggestions?
If you don't move , you both need to do the 180 to get yourselves straightened out. That will never happen if there is status quo/regular contact.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Is rocket your sole source of money right now other than the 1 day a week at the church? Is his family able to help with child care while you get a fulltime job where you are?


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

It was my idea, but he said it may be best. I am prepared to detach here from him though to give him and I the space we need to heal and find some peace. I just can't keep seeing my kids traumatized anymore though and that big of a move is hard on them all....even the 17 and 15 year old who are in high school. They would all be paying a huge price tag for my bad choices and that's just not fair. I can be more mature about this whole thing and start creating a life separate from my husband....a no not a man either. Just get myself out of the house. My band was an outlet for me to get out of the house and most shows Rocket was always at. I need to get out and do something positive and productive with myself without kids. I have no breaks...like ever.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does your church have ladies nights? A friend of mine is big into church and she's always posting about ladies nights (they probably have guy ones too) where once a week the girls go do things like pottery, wine and paint night, movies, etc. 

If your church doesn't, maybe talk with some of the ladies there about starting something.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Slowlygoingcrazy,

My one day a week job pays what a full time 40 hour a week job pays. It is essentially full time pay without full time hours. 

My income from my job and child support is what keeps the lights on and food on the table. We don't even have wifi or cable anymore...not a necessity and couldn't afford it anyway. That's why finding rent that is significantly less would help a lot. I'd love to get the girls in gymnastics or something too. Just so have something that's theirs. 

And yes, we do have a women's ministry and I WILL start going to their events. 

I want to still record a solo album too... my best friend and I want to write songs of hope and purpose to record. Previously we wrote killer country songs, but I'm not going there anymore. Can't. Won't. I need to promote a better message. That's not in the immediate future, just sayin...


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Maybe rocket said it might be best, just to be supportive......he does love and care for you after all. I would vote to stay near your existing home, so both of you are involved in the kids lives. But give each other space. ...that's not distance, but emotional space. If rocket is to ever choose reconciliation, it needs to be his decision without your constant prodding (it is clear that you are doing this, even if not directly). FWIW.....I kinda hate Branson, grew up a bit up the road in Rolla.....I don't consider it a healthy environment for kids.....just my take on it. And I agree with the others who feel you tend to try to escape when things go bad. ...any move should be weighed carefully, so that all benefit.

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thank you. I hate Branson too. Not a fan. 

I am willing to let go of him. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I was not feeling any peace at all...more like anxiety and panic. I already am laughing and singing and dancing with my girls because I feel relief. It's what's best. My family there will not be happy, but this is our life to live.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think you should ask him what he wants with no leading or pressure, and have him define it if you are the least bit unsure of what he is telling you. Then use that input to help decide on your move. If you make decisions w/o his input you have no chance of making a new relationship with him ever work in the future.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

I am going to sit on it. I just need to step back and breathe. There's no need to make a hasty decision based on current emotions. That is what has gotten me in this predicament to begin with. Blah. Bad choices, ran by my emotions, need to escape, not considering others, etc...yep looks bad already. Nobody told me I had to move anyway. I am gonna just chill and take it one day at a time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> It was my idea, but he said it may be best. I am prepared to detach here from him though to give him and I the space we need to heal and find some peace. I just can't keep seeing my kids traumatized anymore though and that big of a move is hard on them all....even the 17 and 15 year old who are in high school. They would all be paying a huge price tag for my bad choices and that's just not fair. I can be more mature about this whole thing and start creating a life separate from my husband....a no not a man either. Just get myself out of the house. My band was an outlet for me to get out of the house and most shows Rocket was always at. I need to get out and do something positive and productive with myself without kids. I have no breaks...like ever.


Not around other men. You have shown you are not capable of dealing with temptation. You need to be proactive with it comes to other men period probably for the rest of your life. Again think of yourself like and alcoholic. The implication on here is you are pretty which means there will always be men coming on to you and temptation. A lot of the ability to be faithful is not putting yourself in situations where you will be tempted to not be faithful.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sofa, it sounds like in rockets thread that he thinks it's best that you move. 
Does this change anything for you? 

I'm sure that's not an easy thing for him to say knowing his children will be far so imo he must really think it's the best thing.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

History will repeat itself and that is my fear. He will read this and KNOW exactly what I mean. That's my fear. He thinks this is about him and I and it's not. He's not home seeing the kids struggle with this. He would sing a different tune if he was...maybe. 

He is not thinking about them right now. Sigh.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Slowlygoingcrazy,
> 
> My one day a week job pays what a full time 40 hour a week job pays. It is essentially full time pay without full time hours.


I'm a Christian, and am very involved in my church. While I'm glad you have it, your income bothers me. People who probably make less than you do are tithing 10% of their salary, and part of it is to pay you an exorbitant salary? You're not Jesus, and I'm not Judas, so I don't feel convicted by wondering. Do the parishioners know how much you are paid for your 3 hours?? That just seems wrong.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

If you want to prove it's not about him, then just quietly go about your business without him. Do not contact him unless it concerns the children. Leaving him alone is the best way to show him respect and give him the space he needs. Stop posting on his thread, you only make yourself a target with your repetitive pleas for understanding.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Yes, my salary was voted on. Sorry that offends you. :/ I didn't ask for the salary that was offered. 

Also, I refuse to "thread argue" with my husband on here. He can text me and I can text him. 

I cannot keep this madness going. Up one day and down the next with him. The push and pull is too much. I just cannot. I am backing off from him. I need a life apart from him and I will get it. He plays soccer now and paints, I will find my thing...and it will be my thing. 

Over it.

Btw, this is how it goes...sweet and comforting together and then cold and distant the next day. It takes two to tango....


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

blahfridge said:


> If you want to prove it's not about him, then just quietly go about your business without him. Do not contact him unless it concerns the children. Leaving him alone is the best way to show him respect and give him the space he needs. Stop posting on his thread, you only make yourself a target with your repetitive pleas for understanding.


This. One thing I have learned from being banned from two previous marriage forums is that some people are going to drag their own premonitions about you- good or bad- into your story, and they're not going to change their minds. Some people will think you're fake, or shallow, or mean, or an idiot, and there is _nothing_ you can say to make them stop thinking so. There is no combination of words in this or any other language that will make them listen to you. You can't make them care about your suffering. You can't make them empathize with your pain. They will never care no matter what you do. The only way to feel less miserable about the horrible things other people think and say about you is to accept that _you can't make them care._ And then leave them alone forever.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> I'm a Christian, and am very involved in my church. While I'm glad you have it, your income bothers me. People who probably make less than you do are tithing 10% of their salary, and part of it is to pay you an exorbitant salary? You're not Jesus, and I'm not Judas, so I don't feel convicted by wondering. Do the parishioners know how much you are paid for your 3 hours?? That just seems wrong.


I hate to tell you this if you don't know but most churches are show business. You need to disassociate Church with Christ because if you don't you will end up loosing your faith. Believe me I grew up with my parents involved in music ministry including my verbally abusive step father. Another good friend of mine father was a paster in one and had to leave town from his old church because he cheated on and left his first wife. He just went to a new one. This guy doesn't believe in God now. The people who looked the other way are partly responsible for that. 

Hate to burst your bubble but in a lot of cases it's just another form of show business especially the modern ones. Technically she has committed adultery and shouldn't even be in the ministry or leadership role in the church for a good long while if not ever again. At least until she has shown she has healed and changed. Think about it in her role she could be giving advice to people in the same exact situation she is in right now and they wouldn't even know about it. But she is attractive and has a good voice, meaning she puts people in the seats, if she is telling the truth she was almost signed to a music contract. Most pasters are not made of the kind of stuff it takes to turn away their meal ticket.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thanks, girl.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Truly. Is there anything else I can tick people off about? If its not one thing it's another. 

My pastor who is my BOSS and the church leadership know exactly what I did and what is happening in my marriage and family...because I told them. I was prepared and willing to lose my job and income, but had a huge burden to tell them the truth and come clean. They offered me love and grace and did not condemn me at all. Side note, I don't counsel people. I lead worship. Believe it or not, God still uses me greatly and it is true worship and not showmanship. Once again, you're not there. Please don't judge. Just because I'm "pretty and talented" as some have said doesn't mean God's anointing doesn't flow through me. 

Sin is sin. Humans declare degrees of those sins. Did you ever look at someone of the opposite sex and think "dang they're hot...I wonder what it would be like if...."? You too have committed adultery already in your heart. Porn? Adultery. Sorry, but it is.

I'm out.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Technically she has committed adultery and shouldn't even be in the ministry or leadership role in the church for a good long while if not ever again.


I agree, and that is another subject.

Sadly, you are right about most churches, but not all. I attended one church where the finances were very open, and ministries were just that: ministries. The pastor was paid a working wage, and the rest of the $ went to pay the bills, and to give to other ministries outside the church, that were really helping people. They held a yearly financial meeting and anyone could give input on how they thought the money should be used in the upcoming year. Everyone wanted to increase the pastor's wage, since it was so low, but the elders insisted that after paying the outside ministries and bills, there was no $ left over to raise the pastor's salary.

However, one should not judge God on man's behavior...even on Christian's behavior.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Btw, this is how it goes...sweet and comforting together and then cold and distant the next day. It takes two to tango....


He didn't CHOOSE to tango though. This is where you're falling short. HIS HEAD IS FVCKED RIGHT NOW. Yes, he may tell you he loves you, he may be sad, he may want to make love to you. But that doesn't mean he's over it. My husband did the same things. And it confused me, and it gave me hope. But he still wanted me to move out. 

Only after I found out about his affair did I truly understand. He loves you so much it hurts. But he hates you too. And he needs to get away from the pain. You're just going to have to take that. Itsbwhat uou deserve.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If I remember my church days, everyone is a sinner. No worse or better and if she is repentant and asks for forgiveness and continues on to lead a less sinful life then all is well. 

It would be hypocritical for the church to say her sin means she can't lead but another's is ok. I'm pretty sure all sins are equal in the church's eyes. 

They let my brother, who had many demons lead a teen group, they cared to listen more to someone who had been there than some church official who never did a thing.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> I'm out.


Do you realize that when someone says something you don't like, you have a very wordy hissy fit and then say you are leaving? Then you come back to have the last word...then the next word, and the next. Stop throwing tantrums and saying you're taking your ball and leaving. That is manipulative, and looks immature.

Your "bosses" were wrong in letting you stay. It is fine that they personally forgave you, but you should have lost your position/job/ministry. If the parishioners learn that you are a cheater, all the while you were leading them in worship, they are going to be very upset, perhaps shaken in their faith. It will be your responsibility, and your bosses' if some of them get discouraged, or confused and leave the faith over your hypocrisy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Truly. Is there anything else I can tick people off about? If its not one thing it's another.
> 
> My pastor who is my BOSS and the church leadership know exactly what I did and what is happening in my marriage and family...because I told them. I was prepared and willing to lose my job and income, but had a huge burden to tell them the truth and come clean. They offered me love and grace and did not condemn me at all. Side note, I don't counsel people. I lead worship. Believe it or not, God still uses me greatly and it is true worship and not showmanship. Once again, you're not there. Please don't judge. Just because I'm "pretty and talented" as some have said doesn't mean God's anointing doesn't flow through me.
> 
> ...


Imagine what would happen to the church is someone were to associate you with this blog for instance. I am not ticked off at you, but there are actually church rules for this very reason. I think you should keep the paycheck, since it is show business anyway, if your paster wants to risk it so be it. By the way no one is saying you shouldn't be allowed to go to church but leadership is a privilege, you are supposed to have a higher standard. 

Your Adultery quote really misunderstands the meaning of that scripture. The point of that scripture is to bascially say we are all sinners. However those in the ministry have a higher calling. 

Here is some good teaching on it if you want to read it. 

I don't care I gave up a long time ago looking for God in church, I know it's show business.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> They let my brother, who had many demons lead a teen group, they cared to listen more to someone who had been there than some church official who never did a thing.


If the demons were gone, there is no reason he shouldn't lead, especially if he was helping other teens avoid getting demons attached to them.

Are you saying sofasleeper had a demon? I believe she made a horrible choice, based on vanity, idolatry, and selfishness. Adultery in the Bible is breaking a covenant, the marriage covenant, which is a mirror of God's covenant with us. Biblically, she should not be leading anyone, except perhaps a class to fellow adulteresses who want to know how to overcome their sin of lust and idolatry of man's admiration.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> History will repeat itself and that is my fear. He will read this and KNOW exactly what I mean. That's my fear. He thinks this is about him and I and it's not. He's not home seeing the kids struggle with this. He would sing a different tune if he was...maybe.
> 
> He is not thinking about them right now. Sigh.


There you go again with the manipulation and tattletale'ing on Rocket. You really need to stop that.

You have no idea what he is thinking about or feeling unless he tells you directly. Were you thinking of your children when you were having an affair with your band-mate? I didn't think so.

You tattle on Rocket and yet in the same breath here you say you need privacy, that your affair, your efforts in therapy are all off limits for conversation in your threads. Why?

I'll tell you why (@turnera; tried to point it out to you), because your purpose here appears as an effort to paint "Rocket = BAD" and "Sofa = long suffering, innocent victim". That's also how we know that you are not doing the introspection required to effect genuine change.

You need to change your focus onto yourself and what you need to do to change yourself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> My pastor who is my BOSS and the church leadership know exactly what I did and what is happening in my marriage and family...because I told them. I was prepared and willing to lose my job and income, but had a huge burden to tell them the truth and come clean. They offered me love and grace and did not condemn me at all.


Is our pastor secretly committing adultery? I'm not accusing him, I'm just wondering why he took it so lightly.

Have you gone to the front of the church and confessed your sin? If you do that, you might find out if the parishioners want you to lead them in music as an ex adulteress.

My husband confessed and apologized to the entire church about his adultery the first Sunday he decided he was wrong and needed to end it. People were stunned, I was humiliated. However, I was glad he did it. We didn't have to live in a secret, afraid if people would find out, and he was willing to take the brunt of whatever came. Surprisingly, most people forgave him. One friend avoided him for months, until he was given a dream that if he didn't forgive him he was inviting Satan into his own life.

Will you expose yourself to your church?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Araucaria said:


> If the demons were gone, there is no reason he shouldn't lead, especially if he was helping other teens avoid getting demons attached to them.
> 
> Are you saying sofasleeper had a demon? I believe she made a horrible choice, based on vanity, idolatry, and selfishness. Adultery in the Bible is breaking a covenant, the marriage covenant, which is a mirror of God's covenant with us. Biblically, she should not be leading anyone, except perhaps a class to fellow adulteresses who want to know how to overcome their sin of lust and idolatry of man's admiration.


No demon, I'm not religious at all actually. I used demons for my brother vs his laundry list of problems. Drugs, sex, suicidal issues, etc. I don't think he has a demon. Or that she does.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Is our pastor secretly committing adultery? I'm not accusing him, I'm just wondering why he took it so lightly.
> 
> Have you gone to the front of the church and confessed your sin? If you do that, you might find out if the parishioners want you to lead them in music as an ex adulteress.
> 
> ...


Let's drop it, that was not the point of this thread anyway.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Sometimes it's not even worth arguing about. Heated arguments can literally start over anything. Opinions vary and that is ok. We are all on our own journey and we all will answer to God for our own stuff. I have enough to worry about on my own . Whew.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Sometimes it's not even worth arguing about. Heated arguments can literally start over anything. Opinions vary and that is ok. We are all on our own journey and we all will answer to God for our own stuff. I have enough to worry about on my own . Whew.


Progress. :corkysm60:

Now read those damn books!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sofa- if you don't move are you able to give rocket the space he needs? That may mean not seeing him at all in person, having the in laws do drop offs and pick ups of the kids. No texting unless it's specifically about the children? 

It sounds like he needs the space and is worried you won't be able to do that if you are there. That you're staying in hopes of reconciliation that he just doesn't think will happen


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Yes, I am.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Copy and paste of what I texted Rocket tonight at 8:30 pm:

"I'm leaving you totally alone. I am not moving away though and making the kids suffer for MY mistakes. Not ONE of them wants to move. Live your life. I'll live mine. You will get your divorce. I'm not fighting you. The kids are number one and they need BOTH OF US. I love you. You know that. I don't stop loving you here, there or on the moon. Distance doesn't stop it. I am choosing to leave you be though. Find you. I'll find me. When and if you want or need me, I'm down the street..Holler."

I "want" to say so much here in reply to his message to me on his thread, but I am gonna use self control and not. Jesus take the wheel.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> "I'm leaving you totally alone. *I am not moving away though and making the kids suffer for MY mistakes.* Not ONE of them wants to move. Live your life. I'll live mine. You will get your divorce. I'm not fighting you. The kids are number one and they need BOTH OF US. I love you. You know that. I don't stop loving you here, there or on the moon. Distance doesn't stop it. I am choosing to leave you be though. Find you. I'll find me. When and if you want or need me, I'm down the street..Holler."
> 
> I "want" to say so much here in reply to his message to me on his thread, but I am gonna use self control and not. Jesus take the wheel.


LOL, if you truly wanted to practice self control, stop manipulating and get off the "drama train", as you have stated before, you would have only texted the second bolded sentence and left it at that.

However, I'm betting you don't see it.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@Red Sonja I recognize I'm getting involved where I shouldn't, but frankly I have pity for Sofa. @Sofa Sleeper, this could all be one giant projection on my part, so please correct me if I'm wrong about all of this and I'll slink away in embarrassment.

I believe that behind most people who could be dismissed with a quick labeling of "Attention seeker", "Manipulator" or "Drama Queen/King", there's somebody who desperately wants to have their needs met and feel safe and loved, and doesn't know how to make themselves feel that way. Who doesn't know how console themselves and is equally bad persuading other people to _want_ to console them. Simply telling someone not to be manipulative won't make them any less so, because it doesn't fix the issue that's putting coal in the drama train.

You have to understand that without her husband and the financial/emotional security he provided, she probably feels absolutely desperate to feel safe and loved, and that's where all this, "I'm suffering so much, I'm not a bad person, please please like me" is coming from. She wants other people to see that she is in pain and to ameliorate that pain, and doesn't much care about the context around it (like the fact that she is still self-focused). Scolding can't really fix that. It'll only chase her off, eventually, and she'll continue doing the same thing to other people. Just be patient with her. Maybe in time she'll find a new way to cope with her feelings of loneliness and fear. Maybe she won't.

I wish people wouldn't be frustrated at things like this. She's not doing this because she's cruel; she's doing it because she's hurt. It's only a cry for relief, nothing more, nothing less.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

No worries, @EllaSuaveterre you can intervene in whatever way you like.



EllaSuaveterre said:


> [MENTION=44919]
> I believe that behind most people who could be dismissed with a quick labeling of "Attention seeker", "Manipulator" or "Drama Queen/King", there's somebody who desperately wants to have their needs met and feel safe and loved, and doesn't know how to make themselves feel that way. Who doesn't know how console themselves and is equally bad persuading other people to _want_ to console them. Simply telling someone not to be manipulative won't make them any less so, because it doesn't fix the issue that's putting coal in the drama train.
> 
> That is the point of many that are trying to help Sofa see what she is doing … that she is here trying to get people to pity/like/console her and convince herself that what she did is “not that bad”. She needs to work in therapy to figure out why she so insecure in her value as a human being that she has to lie/manipulate/pretend in order to get the approval of others (even strangers) and, why she cannot bear to admit fault and continues to minimize her actions. Those two things are serious personality and moral problems and, she will never have any kind of peace in life until she fixes them.
> ...


You and I cannot know her motives because we cannot know what is inside her head. I instead look at actions and her actions toward her family were cruel (adultery and deception) and, she continues to say cruel things about her husband and by her statements attempts to emotionally manipulate him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

IMO, Rocket doesn't get the final say in where she decides to live. I'm sure on some days he would just as soon she moved to Mars. He isn't the one wrangling six kids. The kids take priority.

Sofa, your defensiveness is evidence that you're still learning coping tools for dealing with adversity. As a singer, you are well aware of the power of breathing techniques. Employ those techniques to calm yourself so you don't feel as though you are being backed into a corner.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

As a former opera singer I will say vocal warm ups are very good for anxiety, yes.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

When you are a WS, there is no safe place...not even in your own head or heart. It's a constant wrestling with "I need to feel safe to make it" to "you don't deserve to feel safe at all". That's why I have only found true peace just handing it all over to God because on my own, I cannot do this. Yes, there is a sweet momentary peace and comfort in Rocket's arms still, but it fades real fast when I drive off or when he leaves my house.

If I can just release it all to God (instead of picking it back up again) and keep living and trying my best to please Him and not everyone else, I'll eventually arrive to a place of safety. 

Im trying to allow the pain to do it's work in me to change me. 

One day at a time.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

I pray that you will find the strength to let go of Rocket fully and completely. You need to move on for yourself and your children. You did wrong and you know it. I truly believe that you have learned your lesson and would not stoop to that level again (I rarely say that concerning a WS). 
 I have not been a Rocket fan as most have been and I've already made it clear as to why in previous thread posts. Please ignore any false hope that he is giving you. I don't believe that he is doing it on purpose to hurt you but it still isn't fair. From what you have said it appears that you aren't getting much help in looking after the children ( I know he is providing financially ). Correct me if I'm wrong. The fact that he is willing to let you move your children 7 hours away is a HUGE red flag. It's a very bad sign. He MAY be looking forward to an unencumbered single life knowing that you will be waiting there for him with open arms when he is done having his "fun".
May you experience God's peace everyday, all day and continue to focus on Him and I guarantee you that you can and will be truly blessed. Whether that means a future R with Rocket or without him. You have a lovely spirit and I pray the best for you and your family.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thank you. He wants me to move so he can move on. He can move on.

I don't have to move away and do this to the kids just so he can find someone new. 

I'll be ok.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Araucaria said:


> Do you realize that when someone says something you don't like, you have a very wordy hissy fit and then say you are leaving? Then you come back to have the last word...then the next word, and the next. Stop throwing tantrums and saying you're taking your ball and leaving. That is manipulative, and looks immature.


This board is simply a venue for Sofa to showboat for Rocket in the hopes he'll read her stuff and come running back. Even though Ella conjured her back, it's been apparent since day #1 why she posts here.

Their marriage was BUILT on their affair - both Sofa and Rocket left their spouses and divorced them so they could run off together, get married, and have their 'happily ever after.'

And now, they're having it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> When you are a WS, there is no safe place...not even in your own head or heart. It's a constant wrestling with "I need to feel safe to make it" to "you don't deserve to feel safe at all". That's why I have only found true peace just handing it all over to God because on my own, I cannot do this. Yes, there is a sweet momentary peace and comfort in Rocket's arms still, but it fades real fast when I drive off or when he leaves my house.
> 
> If I can just release it all to God (instead of picking it back up again) and keep living and trying my best to please Him and not everyone else, I'll eventually arrive to a place of safety.
> 
> ...


Well, your husband is a class A hypocrite.

He *blindsided* his first wife years ago when he up and left her, divorcing her to be with you, his OW. Funny how he's all up on his high horse when he's getting a taste of his OWN medicine.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Thank you. He wants me to move so he can move on. He can move on.
> 
> I don't have to move away and do this to the kids just so he can find someone new.
> 
> I'll be ok.


Did rocket say this to you? Rocket wants you to move on, so he can move on and find someone new?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Hey mods, i think there is a problem with this thread. It stops on page 5, then jumps to 7.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Not directly, no. I get to find out from others he's told. What he tells me is vague and confusing and has been laced with "there could still be hope for us" in either word or deed. What I heard this morning though...no more confusion. I'm ok though. Mourning has been replaced with resolve. Resolve to get beyond this place of torment and provide love, security and joy to my kids and find some for myself in the process. 

He will be ok. I will be ok. Our kids will thrive...I'll see to it.

Just the Facts,
His 1st wife wanted to reconcile during their separation. In fact, I was pregnant with his baby (which I miscarried) and she called me and said they would take care of the baby and my medical costs, but any news about the pregnancy or the baby would go through her and not him. No more contact. She had terms for them to successfully reconcile, but they weren't met...we kept seeing each other. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks and then would drink too much one night and text me "I sure could use you tonight" or "I miss you" and then we would be back at it again for a couple weeks until he decided he needed to reconcile again. Back and forth like that for a year. That year of undecidedness with him was rough too. He vacillated back and forth between me and them. I waited for him to decide. My friends and family kept saying I had been played and he would never decide. She eventually divorced him. We were married later that year and she remarried a month or so later as well. So...SHE offered him forgiveness and was willing to work things out even though our affair was deeply emotional and physical both and full of deception. I would fly to a large city a few hours away from him and he would pick me up at the airport and we would spend the weekend together while he told her he was on a business trip even. He thinks it's different for him because he chose to confess to her vs him threatening me me which led me to confess. You know why he confessed to her though? Because he DID want to leave her for me. He wanted a life with me. That is why he confessed. And he told her he had been in love with me their entire 9 year marriage. She asked if we had had sex and he told her NO. Then he begged me not to tell her we had. His words were "do not nark me out". We had actually had sex the very first time we met up and continued to.

I could be very wrong here, but sometimes I feel like him divorcing me now would, in his mind, right that wrong for him. Or he wants me to suffer the loss of losing a family like he did and know what it's like to carry that guilt like he's carried around for 10 years now. Recently she told him she was praying for us and that she knew he probably thought he was now getting what he deserved, but wanted him to know she forgave him a long time ago. 

I get very upset with issues around our 4 kids because he has had minimal contact with his first three. He doesn't call them and often ignores their calls. His ex wife would even text him that something was going on with one of them and they could really use their dad and he wouldn't call. He'd tell me he forgot when I'd ask him if he'd called. Doesn't make at effort to see them...only holidays and one month of summer break. His mom and sister see them way more than he does. Those kids live 7 hours away in another direction. It's almost like out of sight, out of mind. That is what scares me for our 4 and that is why I'm not moving away.

I didn't say all of this to make him look bad like some here will most definitely say I'm trying to do or to paint him in a bad light. There are just FACTS that are relevant to our situation. I have a track record, but so does he. However I am burned at the stake now.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> I didn't say all of this to make him look bad like some here will most definitely say I'm trying to do. There are just FACTS that are relevant to our situation. I have a track record, but so does he. However I am burned at the stake now.


No, you're not trying to make him look bad. Just sopping up more pity and sympathy for YOUR pain and how "unfair" this is to YOU.

"We've both both behaved badly but I'm the only one burned at the stake,". (Wonderfully descriptive metaphor btw). Woe is me everyone. 

You continue to make everything about you. This is why so many who would love to support you here ultimately give up and move on


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

blahfridge said:


> Hey mods, i think there is a problem with this thread. It stops on page 5, then jumps to 7.


I think there are technical difficulties. I had my settings to not allow pms and someone was able to send one (wasn't read). Same thing happened to Sofa. On this thread, I'm only seeing 5 pages.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

There is plenty of bad to go around. Just because 1 cheated doesn't mean there's not bad from both. 

I do think he wants both of you to move on and divorce. 
If you can do that where you are then that is better for everyone. 

I would start doing a 180 sofa. For you. No more texting and I love you's. 
Find a hobby, get involved with the women's church group, keep yourself busy


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I had wondered about any children from the first marriage. His wanting you to move the kids so far away sent up a red flag for me. Yep, he gets a new lease on life without having six kids to contend with every day and it is all by your fault and grace.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Slowlygoingcrazy,

I am. It is well with my soul.

I hate what I've done. I hate the irreversible damage I have caused the man I loved more than anything and my children and our families. I can't go back and fix it though and I can't live in torment over it either. I hate that our marriage has ended. I hate that what we fought to have is now gone and it's my fault. I hate that Rocket has struggled torturously for a year and a half. I hate that I lied and deceived him to cover my own tail. I hate all of this. 

I want him happy. I mean that. I want my kids happy too. Someday, I hope I can be once again as well. One day at a time. 

I am correcting what I said about him wanting me to move so he could move on with someone else. That was implied to me, but Rocket said it's a lie and that I posted a lie.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

This thread and his are why it's best to maintain some skepticism about where the truth lies in every marital situation. We all post from our own perception of reality. I will give Sofa credit for putting it all out there. Much of what she posts puts her in a bad light, especially the excuses. But I believe she is trying to be truthful. Sofa, how did you feel at the time you and Rocket were having an affair? Was there any guilt or shame? Can you look back now and see things differently?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I moved half a block with 2 older children. It was exhausting. I can't even begin to imagine it with 6 and far away. Family support is good but switching schools, mail, finding jobs, finding friends, the packing and unpacking. Yikes. 

I function better with lists when my head feels scattered. I know I have a hundred things to do but I can't focus on one at a time. Where to start, what to do first. So I do nothing lol. 

Make a checklist. 

1- look for cheaper housing in your area
2- ....

And so on

Checking things off your lists gives you a boost of accomplishment as well. I did something productive today.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

There wasn't any guilt or shame then. I'm being honest. The two of us had loved each other still even married for nearly a decade to others. We had still held on to each other in our hearts. To me (and him), it was our chance to finally be together. He would tell me he would and will move heaven and earth to make me his. It was a whirlwind love story to me. Reuniting with the love of my life. Rocket dealt with guilt though over hurting innocent people and still does. He's told me he has never forgiven himself for it. The emotional detachment I've felt from him, I've always secretly feared it was a form of a non-intentional resentment towards me. That is my perception though. He has struggled with the guilt though. I've been fearful lately that us not reconciling and him losing another family would add to his struggle and he would carry that with him too. 

I will say that within the first year of our marriage, I found emails on our computer between him and his 1st wife. He was telling her he missed her and that I wasn't what he expected and more...she was telling him she loved him and he said he still loved her. When I confronted him, he minimized it all saying he was only trying to make a hurting woman feel better. Of course then I felt like I was now second choice and the "consolation prize" instead of the one he said he always wanted.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

OP- agree with the option to stay in the area if you can. Sounds like you have a great job that may be hard to get another like it. Also, your kids will still have there friends, and school and church and dad, etc. if you stay. Seems like a no brainer.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Thank you. He wants me to move so he can move on. He can move on.
> 
> I don't have to move away and do this to the kids just so he can find someone new.
> 
> I'll be ok.


Your presence in the same city should not have any bearing on his ability to move on.

An expectation for you to not live under the same roof is reasonable.

Moving two states away for space is not.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Slowlygoingcrazy, 
Thank you. It is daunting! I do have a couple friends here though that will help me and want me to be happy again. I saw one of my friends last night and she said she misses seeing me smile and that every time she's seen me since this all happened, I look worse and worse. I have to get myself together. I have to make myself start eating again, make myself be productive again and stop punishing myself. I can't grow while I'm holding on. I can't get well in self pity. I can't see my future when I'm clinging to the past. I still have much life and love left in me and have much to live for. It's a new season for me and I have to embrace it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You need to stay. The worship position affords you the opportunity to be able to take another part-time job for additional income if necessary, while simultaneously giving you the time to be more involved with the kids given your situation as a soon-to-be single mother.

Process, Sofa. 

What is the best decision for your kids?

What is the best decision for you?

What decisions will allow you to be proud of the face staring back at you in the mirror?

This needs to be the direction of your life moving forward. Every decision you make based on principles. Let the outcome take care of itself.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

One more thing.

You need to learn to live with pain.

You are where you are because of your inability to cope with pain. Embrace the pain. Learn to love it just a little bit. You do that by understanding that there is no growth without pain.

Every time we smother that pain with something unhealthy, we lose the opportunity to grow.

Sure, it hurts. However, it's not going to kill you. Learn to be still.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

@Farside, thank you. I've been so worried about what Rocket would think. Afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Afraid to hurt him further and afraid to make him angry. He is saying I'm playing the woe is me card, but I've been paralyzed by not wanting to screw up more or make a bad decision out of haste. I have clung to the marriage because I love him so much and wanted our home and family made whole. 

I'm staying put because it's best for everyone. He really wants me to move and even said today in a text that if I bug him he will move. I'm not going to bug him. I need release from him and that's what I'm after now. 

I am letting go. It's not easy, but I'm doing it. Do I take my wedding rings off? I don't want to, but is keeping them on in denial?

ETA: I am embracing the pain as best as I can. Trying to process my emotions and thoughts and hurts and disappointments in a rational way. I have to get up out of my "sick bed" and see that life isn't over for me.

Process. Process. Process.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Well, first off he can't just move... he has kids to care for. 

I really felt for his side and I do understand his need for space. 
You've told him you can detach here where he can still be a part of his kids lives. That's #1. 

If it was me, I would now detach fully. Like plan B (marriage builders) for both of you. In laws do pick ups and drop offs. No contact. Don't even respond if he texts you. He wants space, he can have his space.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

And yes sofa, your time of beating yourself up is over. New you. You learn from your past and grow from it but you don't get stuck in the misery. 

Surround yourself with positive things. Yoga? Tai chi? Any ladies from church wanna join you for some Zumba? Zumba is supposed to be a lot of fun. I would love to go but wouldnt go without someone I knew. I bet there's ladies at church who'd feel the same.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Forget about the rings. Bigger issues to iron out first.....like a parenting plan! Y'all have one?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Parenting Plan Checklist - Supporting Families

Parenting plan tool

Checklist and form for parenting plans. They are Canadian but unofficial just for your own working on things.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Not directly, no. I get to find out from others he's told. What he tells me is vague and confusing and has been laced with "there could still be hope for us" in either word or deed. What I heard this morning though...no more confusion. I'm ok though. Mourning has been replaced with resolve. Resolve to get beyond this place of torment and provide love, security and joy to my kids and find some for myself in the process.
> 
> He will be ok. I will be ok. Our kids will thrive...I'll see to it.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this info! You have no idea how much I wanted to hear it. Just so folks know, I asked for this info from SofaSleeper and Rocket (silence from Rocket). SofaSleeper is just responding to a request from me. She is not just writing this to make him look bad. I ASKED for this story as I had a suspicion that Rocket was not as innocent as he would have us believe (and many have). This confirms it. Thank you again for taking the time out of your day to respond to a stranger's request. Deeply appreciated.
I'm sorry to say but Rocket will try to shirk his parental responsibilities (except financially). He was more than willing to have you move his children 7 hours away !! It's obvious that he wants the single life with few responsibilities. He can say you lied about him wanting to move on by having you move but the facts speak for themselves and I see the truth.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

While your actions were despicable and you deserve to feel guilty for them, I do sympathise with you. Everyone here is calling you a narc. I think you might have some narc traits, most disorders after all lie on a spectrum. But mostly you seem very broken and insecure. 

I know you must feel awful for screwing up your marriage. The guilt and pain you experience is constantly haunting you. You came to TAM to seek some validation, support, comfort and to absolve yourself of at least some guilt that you already face day to day. I don't think that makes you a narcissist. I think it makes you human, a very broken one with complex issues. You also seem more introspective than most narcs.

I truly truly hope that this will serve as a lesson for you and remind you of the consequences of your actions. Honestly, I see a bit of myself in you too. I have also contributed to the downfall of my marriage and the guilt I feel is downright consuming me! Sometimes people just need to vent and have others tell them they are not a monster so that we can function and have our souls still in tact. 

Too much of guilt and regret can be an unhealthy thing. What is also unhealthy is relying to much on others for validation and that is where your problem lies. Your affairs too stemmed from the need to seek validation. We need to start looking inwards for our own happiness instead of outwards. I hope you get there someday. Best of luck to you


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thank you. Truly. I'm trying to move forward and do so without losing myself. I use to be a vibrant, joyful person. I've become the furthest thing from that now because I punish myself with guilt. Then salt gets rubbed in it on here and I feel like I'll never escape it. My sweet babies need their happy mama back. I need her back! I need to find myself again. Find out what makes me happy and well and do it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sofa, you need to make your decisions WITHOUT regard to Rocket.

Oh, and I will tell you the same thing I told Rocket about you.

Forget the words... What do his actions tell you?

He says he is missing you, etc. He says he is unsure. 

His actions say he is done.

No matter what he says...you proceed to separation and divorce until his actions show otherwise.

I really like the plan B/180 approach for you at this point.

Stop focusing on Rocket.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

10-4, Farside. Thank you. You've been fair with both of us. I appreciate that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> I'm staying put because it's best for everyone. He really wants me to move and even said today in a text that if* I bug him he will move.* I'm not going to bug him. I need release from him and that's what I'm after now.


Don't move your children. Stay put. If Rocket wants to move, let him. If you have really learned your lesson there is no need to punish the children by uprooting them, or to blow your own life up further.

It will be much easier for Rocket to move if he feels he needs to, since there are 7 of you and one of him. Do this for your children. Keep your counselor, your job, and the familiar life you have. After a divorce, when things have settled down, perhaps the children will be more open to moving closer to your family.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thank you. Today is the first day I actually feel happy even. Like genuinely happy. I needed to release him in my heart fully. I have. It feels good like I will truly be ok. I have learned the hardest lesson of my life and I'll never do that again.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Thank you. Today is the first day I actually feel happy even. Like genuinely happy. I needed to release him in my heart fully. I have. It feels good like I will truly be ok. I have learned the hardest lesson of my life and I'll never do that again.


Nice post. I don't know all the specific details, but read a little of your and Rocket's story yesterday, and you both will get past this, and maybe you come back together, or maybe you don't. Every single day is a chance for happiness. We can lose this life in an instant, cherish every single day that you can. (with or without Rocket)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Keep in mind you will have bad days and good. You'll go up 2 steps and get knocked down a few and need to get back up again. 

Focus on positive. I have a Spotify playlist of positive, confident music. Music can set or change my mood faster than anything. 

I took up fishkeeping. This sounds silly but the zen and the peacefulness is amazing. I aquascape so it's like gardening indoors. Watching a fish tank has been shown to reduce anxiety. 

It is also a pain in the butt sometimes but find something for you. This was something I could do at home, fairly low cost and quiet. That's what I needed.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Deidre, I appreciate that. Thank you.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Slowlygoingcrazy,

Nice! I think I'll take up something where I can use my creativity. I'll be directing a children's Christmas musical this year that will keep me busy. I love that kind of stuff though. I also love baking and decorating. I'll keep the house fall ready and the kids will love it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

That sound awesome. 

My Mom used to do craft nights with the church kids.

Just keep yourself busy. It'll help


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

I went out with a good friend last night and am at her son's bday party with the kids right now. Feels good to be out and socializing with friends and my kids.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Just wanna say that today is the first day in 10 weeks that I haven't cried. My eyes have gotten watery many times today, but the full blown crying didn't happen. #progress 

I spent the day outdoors with my kids at a little kid's bday party with one of those huge inflatable water slides. We had a blast and I took such cute pics of my babies. It was good to laugh and see joy in my children's eyes. They are pure sunshine.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JustTheFacts said:


> Thank you so much for this info! You have no idea how much I wanted to hear it. Just so folks know, I asked for this info from SofaSleeper and Rocket (silence from Rocket). SofaSleeper is just responding to a request from me. She is not just writing this to make him look bad. I ASKED for this story as I had a suspicion that Rocket was not as innocent as he would have us believe (and many have). This confirms it. Thank you again for taking the time out of your day to respond to a stranger's request. Deeply appreciated.
> I'm sorry to say but Rocket will try to shirk his parental responsibilities (except financially). He was more than willing to have you move his children 7 hours away !! It's obvious that he wants the single life with few responsibilities. He can say you lied about him wanting to move on by having you move but the facts speak for themselves and I see the truth.


Poor kids.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Sofa Sleeper said:


> Of course then I felt like I was now second choice and the "consolation prize" instead of the one he said he always wanted.


 Do you acknowledge that this was EXACTLY what you did to him by cheating on him,a.k.a. making him your consolation prize?

Re: Your wedding rings. They represent a vow taken before God and all. Do you feel like you honored that vow? If not remove the rings .


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I know this won't be popular. But if he is set on divorce and you have decided you are ok with that...,

He has no right to tell you where to live. What you did was wrong and I don't blame him for divorcing you.

That said you now need to take care of yourself and work toward financial independence. You should see if you can still record your song / album assuming you weren't paying for it but had someone interested in paying you. That is a huge opportunity that need not be wasted if R in not an option.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"If you are focused on relief, you will never find restoration. If you settle for relief, you will never find what God wants you to learn in your pain."

A quote from my pastor in the service today.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

anastasia6 said:


> I know this won't be popular. But if he is set on divorce and you have decided you are ok with that...,
> 
> He has no right to tell you where to live. What you did was wrong and I don't blame him for divorcing you.
> 
> That said you now need to take care of yourself and work toward financial independence. You should see if you can still record your song / album assuming you weren't paying for it but had someone interested in paying you. That is a huge opportunity that need not be wasted if R in not an option.


I thought the same thing. You might as well go for it, but I would find a new band.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Poor kids.




Agreed.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

anastasia6 said:


> I know this won't be popular. But if he is set on divorce and you have decided you are ok with that...,
> 
> He has no right to tell you where to live. What you did was wrong and I don't blame him for divorcing you.
> 
> That said you now need to take care of yourself and work toward financial independence. You should see if you can still record your song / album assuming you weren't paying for it but had someone interested in paying you. That is a huge opportunity that need not be wasted if R in not an option.




Especially if this has been a dream of yours.


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## Sofa Sleeper (Aug 17, 2017)

Thanks y'all. Music is certainly what brings me to life. 

I need to apologize though and that's why I'm here right now and then I am truly gonna get off of here for good and go live what I am learning (or trying to learn). 

I have once again been a selfish juvenile brat calling out my husband's flaws. I lashed out in frustration, resentment and anger and I was out of line. I had no business posting our private things like that. I am STILL not exhibiting self control or restraint and letting my emotions run off with me. I take a few steps forward and then a couple back. I am still thinking of ME first and it is wrong and I have no place to even do so. I have no right to anything period.

Anyway, just needed to clear the air and apologize again. 

My heart was in the wrong place. Please forgive me. 

I am logging off and won't be back. I need to go walk out what I'm learning and love my babies.

Farside, that was a good word, btw. Thanks for sharing.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sofa- I wish you well and I hope that you understand that no matter what you say or don't at this point is not going to change rockets mind. 

He may be telling you that talking badly about him or sharing how he deals with his other children is going to lower your chance of R. But there is no chance of R and he knows it. 

His past affair and how he dealt with those children after is important information for you going forward and what you decide to do now with moving or staying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

anastasia6 said:


> I know this won't be popular. But if he is set on divorce and you have decided you are ok with that...,
> 
> He has no right to tell you where to live. What you did was wrong and I don't blame him for divorcing you.
> 
> That said you now need to take care of yourself and work toward financial independence. You should see if you can still record your song / album assuming you weren't paying for it but had someone interested in paying you. That is a huge opportunity that need not be wasted if R in not an option.


Actually if the divorce because of the kids he has a legal right. She can't just move away.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He wants her to move away. She wants them to stay close to their father. 

He moved away from his previous children and he hasn't shown he can maintain a good relationship with them from a distance. She wouldn't be wise to move the rest of his kids away too. 

I get his need for space but if she can do it where he still has a fully involved relationships with his kids then that is the best solution.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He wants her to move away. She wants them to stay close to their father.
> 
> He moved away from his previous children and he hasn't shown he can maintain a good relationship with them from a distance. She wouldn't be wise to move the rest of his kids away too.
> 
> I get his need for space but if she can do it where he still has a fully involved relationships with his kids then that is the best solution.


I don't disagree, just saying it's not a simple as just. I am moving away whether she wanted to or not.


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