# Thoughts on couple & individual with same therapist



## wandc

Hello,

My wife and I recently sought a marriage therapist for our overall marriage as well as a specific conflict. After the first couple session, the therapist scheduled each of us for an individual session, then together again later. This seems to be the pattern the therapist is going with moving forward (individual and couple sessions). I am sure it has some benefits (understanding our own "issues' and how they effect each other but having never gone through this, thought that after the first round of individual sessions, we should concentrate on a better "us" in general and overcoming our highly emotional unresolved conflict together. Since there are more individual times than together, we are kind of "forced to" pretend things are fine in between couple sessions in order to have any kind of peace at home / family since we have been unable to resolve things on our own and that is not helping matters at all. Has anyone had experience with such a schedule? Any thoughts or suggestions (negative or positive) would be appreciated.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Your therapist is doing the right thing for a 'major' conflict.

In joint sessions, with such conflicts, couples tend to either be mute and minimise,, or they argue and try to get the therapist on-side.

The individual sessions are essential. One can open up about the other and the therapist can suggest ways they might change their approach without the other partner seizing on it as ammunition.

If a couple has hit a wall and neither will back down, the therapist has to look for flexibility to negotiate around,, NOT tell you what to do.

The flexibilities are best found in individual sessions in such instances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtinginohio

We went for our first joint session last week and have another one scheduled for today. However, my husband decided to go this this one alone. I'm fine with that, he has always had a hard time speaking his mind so I want him to have the tools to do that. On the other hand, I'm worried that if the counselor validates his feelings of "not being sure what he wants", that he will take that as a sign not to keep working on our marriage. I'm honestly very stressed about the appt. and what will transpire from it.


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## Pooh Bear

I think it is good to do both individual and couple because there are sometimes things I want to say to the therapist before I address it with my husband. If the make up is not working well for you, you should definitely talk with the therapist. Maybe you need more couple sessions and less individual sessions. Have you talked with your partner about it?


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## Pooh Bear

hurtinginohio said:


> We went for our first joint session last week and have another one scheduled for today. However, my husband decided to go this this one alone. I'm fine with that, he has always had a hard time speaking his mind so I want him to have the tools to do that. On the other hand, I'm worried that if the counselor validates his feelings of "not being sure what he wants", that he will take that as a sign not to keep working on our marriage. I'm honestly very stressed about the appt. and what will transpire from it.


It could turn out to make your marriage stronger. Ultimately you can't control what your husband will do. Don't allow your mind to think about the future, just stay present in the moment.


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## prayingforhelp

I saw the same therapist for one-on-one counseling as a marriage counselor. I was able to unload about life and marriage. He got to hear what I had to say about issues with wife and her family. He was the first "neutral" person to agree that I was not in a good situation. 

I don't think you should see the same counselor for both because the other spouse will not trust what the counselor has to say. And going to another marriage counselor will not help because I cannot trust my wife to not tell her family about every detail that was discussed about in those sessions. 

My wife did not want to do anything he recommended. I had to cancel multiple date nights. I am going to a second counselor by myself to deal with my issues. I have never cheated and have never hit her. But I am in a loveless marriage where I am bullied to do what she wants. And I am planning to leave.


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## delta88

prayingforhelp said:


> I saw the same therapist for one-on-one counseling as a marriage counselor. I was able to unload about life and marriage. He got to hear what I had to say about issues with wife and her family. He was the first "neutral" person to agree that I was not in a good situation.
> 
> I don't think you should see the same counselor for both because the other spouse will not trust what the counselor has to say. And going to another marriage counselor will not help because I cannot trust my wife to not tell her family about every detail that was discussed about in those sessions.
> 
> My wife did not want to do anything he recommended. I had to cancel multiple date nights. I am going to a second counselor by myself to deal with my issues. I have never cheated and have never hit her. But I am in a loveless marriage where I am bullied to do what she wants. And I am planning to leave.


Hang in there, you're on the right track. I'm going down this same road as I type this and all I can say it sucks. One has to ask if removing a thorn is better than the best thorn ointment?


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## James Horner

The arguments and problems between couples can be solved with the help of the experts who solves all the couple issues and provides argument resolution that looks at the cycle of arguments as the first step to know about the fighting issues and causes.


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## EleGirl

It depends on what you mean as individual counseling. 

I've been to marriage counseling here they do some time together and then some time alone with each of us. This works well.

What does not work is when one of the spouses sees the counselor alone but the other counselor only sees the other spouse in marriage counseling.


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