# Staring at other women



## filemon (Jun 4, 2013)

Dear All, 

My girlfriend (32) and I (36) have been together for nearly 1,5 years and we live together for aproximately 9 months. Long long story short in a few bullet points to see if I can get some help. 

I had a solitary man life (masturbation/porn, loneliness and occasional dating with nothing serious) for years following an early failure in a relationship when I was 18 y.o. 

I was never in need for comitment until now and in my past relationships I wasn't sensitive and attuned (iam working on it now) as I had a very practical approach to relationships and love. My life was going down the drain with no hope in love and I felt so lonely and desperate until I met her. 

Now my girlfriend, whom I love to pieces, is been trying to "straight me up" and I am changing for her -stopped porn and masturbation, become more sensitive etc. The work my gf has done of course has had its emotional toll and now she doesnt trust me and doesnt believe me. 

My girlfriend is extremely intelligent, really pretty and she is the best thing that could happen in my life. She is also very emotional; nags a lot, cries, screams, overreacts to the smallest comments, runs away of the house, gets extremely angry and maybe a little insecure. 

Because of my porn addiction and masturbation and the fact that I lied to her some times, my girlfriend lost trust on me and i don't blame her. I never cheated on her, flirted, chat, sms or anything with any other. I workship this relationship and I could not compromise it and hurt her. It makes me very sad to know that even without wanting it, I hurt her a lot in this 1,5 years. 

Our last fights are due to me staring at other women. My girlfriend gets hurt when I look at a woman in the street - I still dont understand why I do it. 

I understand staring is disrespectful and I avoid to stare at all cost. I try so hard that even reach the point that I looked at the ground for hours when we are out, only to find that one milisecond I lost concentration my girlfriend see it and then we have a huge argument. This is possibly not the right approach and I should look at the reasons inside of me. 

The situation is so bad that I am even scared to watch TV with my girlfriend in case a pretty woman appears in the screen.

The situation has evolved to the point where even if I don't stare, my girlfriend thinks I do. This happened several times recently and she was swearing that I was looking at somebody I didn't even notice existed. I tried to read about unconcious head/eyes movement but didnt find anything that help me. 

My girlfriend says I am like a hungry dog and desperate for women. But I just want to be happy with her.

Why do I stare? How can I find peace in my heart with no need to care about anybody else than my girlfriend? 

Somebody else in similar situation? Help please!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

She has a poor understanding of men


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

OK I had to go back and read your initial post because I was assuming she was 18 or something. She's 32 and she's this immature?? Has she had boyfriends before?

You say she's trying to 'straighten you up'

Is she working on herself at all? You can't go through life walking on eggshells like this. Everyone looks occasionally - you're human, not a robot. However a mature, intelligent, confident and secure woman would not see it as a threat. Doesn't sound like your girlfriend is any of those things


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's an emo, hence I bet she's very sensitive to these things. Filemon you have to educate her, comfort her, and help her come to understand your male anatomy. You shouldn't be expected to be blind at the sight of a random attractive woman walking past.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Stop beating yourself up. You may not be the problem. You " think" your gf is a little insecure?? Try alot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You get this is not normal behaviour from her, right?

You are not the problem here, except as far as you are allowing her irrational craziness to beat you down. The more you give in, the more she'll demand, this won't end.

I think you should just dump her, frankly, and find someone normal. Failing that, learn to set some boundaries.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dump her so soon? Come now, insecurity is curable.


----------



## filemon (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you guys, 

Most of the times go out is like a torture, she controls and look at me more every second and both of us dont enjoy at all. But what if she is right and I cannot stop looking? 

On the other hand, i reduce enormously the staring and now is just occasional miliseconds before i turn my head down. How can I set boundaries if she is not willing to negotiate and this is a zero tolerance issue for her?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I guess I'd want to know what is meant by staring. Noticing women is normal, ogling in front of your lady is rude. Take a step back and honestly evaluate: which is it? Remember that to some degree the term control is subjective. Some people think that appropriate boundaries equal control. I don't suppose you've had 
a discussion about this when neither of you is angry?


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

filemon said:


> How can I set boundaries if she is not willing to negotiate and this is a zero tolerance issue for her?


Let her know that you are willing to undergo treatment for your maladies. Some of which include wearing blinders or black glasses. The other would be consulting with an optometrist to ask about surgery to remove your retinas.

Other than that, bud...she ain't the girl.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't leave the house....put parental restrictions on your television....stop looking at all forms of media. Remove testicles....go play for the other team. Those may help her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mate, I think if I was conscious about trying not to notice other women I would end up noticing them a WHOLE LOT more especially when she's not looking, but that's just me.

Sorry, but I don't believe that's anyway to live, to feel imprisoned, controlled, and chained. But again, that's just me. You learnt to restrain yourself, great, but what's next? You talk to another woman, and hey she may start accusing you of flirting lol

No, this issue is hers mate, stop trying to accommodate yourself to her insecurities when she herself needs to grow the fk up.


----------



## torani (May 6, 2013)

I disagree, that you should dump her. It does sound like she is a bit insecure about this issue but I ask why?

Some women ARE offended by mens porn and frequent masturbation habits. Some are not. I am the first. I was brought up to believe that it is NOT normal for men to masturbate all the time, I wasn't exposed to porn by any of the men in home or family. To me it seems wrong. I am not ashamed of that in any way. 

Its not fair for anyone to say she wrong and that porn/masturbation/staring at women should be accepted and if its not accepted by her she is just insecure. 

that being said, the fact that you love her and working on things that you know bother her is meeting her in the middle on an issue that obviously bothers her. 

Now its her turn to meet you in the middle and make an attempt to trust you and believe you when you tell her she is the only one for you. 

women and men can have very different opinions on this subject neither is wrong... in a relationship its about meeting each others needs. 

Maybe you two can try counseling together, this may help her to see that you should be trusted and given the benefit of the doubts she may have... You need to be allowed to be yourself and she needs to be allowed to be herself also and the two of you should accept each other rather than forcing a person to change something they might not be able or want to.

if that doesn't work, then perhaps the two of you need to have a talk on deal breakers.... what is a deal breaker for you, what is a deal breaker for you... then you both can decide if your a good fit for each other and what you can and cant tolerate in a relationship.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You admit you had a problem that bothered her. She has issues that she needs to work through... this sounds like a perfect opportunity for some counseling and personal growth. YOU can find out why you can't look women in the eye (assuming this really IS an issue and not just GF overreacting to a couple glances) and SHE has emotional meltdowns. 

Maybe you can make this work for both of you by going to couples counseling. It could make you stronger as individuals and as a couple. She'll start to understand you love her and aren't tempted to cheat nor do you love her any less because you are a man who likes the way women are built. You'll get to the bottom as to why you objectify women (maybe fear of vulnerability after your first broken heart?)

If it doesn't bring you closer, you'll find out you just won't work long term. Either way, you'll be better for it. So my vote is counseling.


----------



## filemon (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you!

I used to stare in front of my girlfriend following bad habits from my past (and no other gf told me anything about this, or staring hasnt been an issue in previous relationships). I used to stare for 3-5 sec and I fully understand and agree it is disrespectful and I wouldnt like my gf to do the same to me. 

So finally I came to conclusion that Men who stare don´t respect themselves and neither the people they look at, and I dont want to be this man anymore since I have a very pretty and loving girlfriend whom I love. 

I proposed counselling as in my current job I have an executive coach and I see huge benefits from it, but my gf completely refuses to go to counseling together. 

The more I try, the more irrational the demands are and the narrower the tolerance from my gf. Having said that this is an issue that i have been working on for months with, in my opinion, quite a success, and in my gf opinion, little.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

You are wound up like a top, man. Wowza. I'll say one thing for your gf...she's totally got you. Unfortunately, you don't have anything it seems.

Let me ask you this: What goes through your head when you "stare" at these chicks?


----------



## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

you are normal. get her some help now or you will be kept miserable for ever. glancing around at normal things will make her miserable and she will blame you, just for living.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You have a porn addiction that you admit to (good for you) & your g/f is trying to "cure" you w/o the proper credentials to do that. As such, anything to do with other women (TV, strangers walking down the street) triggers her fear of your relapse. She is driving herself crazy trying to "fix" you which in turn is driving you crazy.

Your relationship is very dysfunctional.

I'm sorry but without addiction counseling, relationship counseling & individual counseling, I think the relationship is doomed to fail.


----------



## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

I am old (feel-so) I cant,not look. the beautiful things [ALL AGES] KEEP MEN YOUNG ACTIVE AND HEALTHY. ladies look also, some are more controling of their men. that's where loose men come from. selfish,low esteem women.


----------



## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I guess I'd want to know what is meant by staring. Noticing women is normal, ogling in front of your lady is rude. Take a step back and honestly evaluate: which is it? Remember that to some degree the term control is subjective. Some people think that appropriate boundaries equal control. I don't suppose you've had
> a discussion about this when neither of you is angry?


Just what I was going to say. Does he stare a hole in other women? Blatantly staring at other women is rude and makes everyone involved uncomfortable. Sure men look but discretion is called for. That said, this couple has many other issues.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

torani said:


> Some women ARE offended by mens porn and frequent masturbation habits. Some are not. I am the first. I was brought up to believe that it is NOT normal for men to masturbate all the time, I wasn't exposed to porn by any of the men in home or family. To me it seems wrong. I am not ashamed of that in any way.



I'm sorry but *masturbation is 100% normal* (porn to a certain extent is normal, but people have different definitions of porn so that's too complex to bring up here). 





> Its not fair for anyone to say she wrong and that porn/masturbation/staring at women should be accepted and if its not accepted by her she is just insecure.


She doesn't need to accept masturbation or porn. Personally, I think those limits are too restrictive for a healthy relationship, but she is free to disagree. She should be allowed to set whatever boundaries are acceptable to her. 

HOWEVER, to expect a man not to glance at women in the street is beyond any definition of acceptability. Women live in the world. You can't avoid them. Her insistence that she be the only woman in his realm of sight or thought is not just insecure, it's beyond the pale. 

And frankly, her thinking would fit much better in countries like Saudi Arabia or parts of Afghanistan where women are expected to cover up from head to toe all the time outdoors. Maybe she should move there.

To the OP, here's a possible solution. When you both are out and about, take note of how much she "stares" at men. Treat her the same way she treats you. Accuse her of looking at men and obsessing over them. Even when she doesn't, accuse her of it any way. You will be forced to act like a jerk for a short time but it should at least get your message across.

I've dated women from two different ends of the spectrum. The first were those who acted like your girlfriend, and in my experience they got a lot less jealous when they became more secure about the relationship in general. On the other extreme, I once had a girlfriend who was bisexual, and not only she didn't mind me staring at women, but she would do it too! And we could even discuss and compare in what ways we thought these women were attractive, etc. Guess which of the women on these two ends of the spectrum was more fun to be around?


----------



## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

Ok, men are visual creatures. They like pretty women. We all know this. You can look, but don't touch. Don't constantly stare at a girl because yes that does piss off the girlfriends. It is understandable since you were alone for so long, but it's no excuse. My husband was addicted to porn and masturbating before we dated. Since then he doesn't look at other women and if he looks at porn (which I'm sure he does from time to time) I don't know about it or want to know. People in general can think another person is attractive be it men or women. Nothing wrong with that. If you constantly stare or make vulgar comments, then it can become a problem. 

Your girlfriends is VERY insecure and immature. She has no trust in you whatsoever and without that, the relationship seems doomed to failure sadly. You guys seriously need to have a very long talk about this and come to some sort of understanding. Good luck.


----------



## filemon (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you very much for reply and the additional points of view, much appreciated. 

My GF had to spend a month out of the country where we lived and I reached the conclusion that I cannot go on like this, for my own menthal health. We both are very unhappy. She doesn't feel valued and loved and I feel constantly walking on eggshells, not only due to the staring issue for for many others related to jealousy, emotional outbursts, etc. 

So we are splitting now. It's extremely painful. My GF tried to leave a lot of times before (around 15 times in the last year, reaching the point 2-3 times to pack and leave the house only to return after 45 minutes saying hotel was fully booked) and I always fought for us to be together, but this time I had to let her go because I realized we reached a no-return point. 

No matter what I say or do will have any impact. I feel that talk to her is like talking to a brick wall. She get extremely emotional and defensive everytime I have a different view and disagree with her, and she is unable to apologize or see other people point of view. 

I proposed to her that we attend counselling together and she categorically refused saying that she doesn't need a shrink. 

So this is the end. We live and we learn. Thanks again for support!


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Have you talked to her, actually initiated a conversation to talk to her like you have posted here?

I think you are not fully understanding her and vise versa which I think is very common.

You mention that even you understand why there would be mistrust. Yes, put yourself in her shoes, really. Had she been all about her pleasure and seeking what satisfied her and you saw her acting the way you have with her, I think you too would question her behavior and what he intent was with the relationship.

What you are seeing from her, in my opinion, with the crying and screaming and leaving is HURT. She is hurt and what she is hurt from is your actions. She would not be in a relationship with you had she not wanted some commitment and with your history she probably wonders how much you care about her, what she means to you, where your real interests are and if she is a part of that or if she is just another notch on your belt.


----------



## filemon (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you very much AVR for your opinion.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Your gf sounds like a lot of drama. A little insecure?extremely insecure, you mean. she needs IC, like, yesterday.
I stare at both women and men as well in the subway. How they are dressed, if they are pretty, if they have something beautiful, like hair or legs etc. Not for too long to make anyone uncomfortable but I look. And I'm a woman You're not doing anything uncommon, unless you turn your head after every beautiful girl that passes you by on the street when you are with her.
You cut porn, stopped masturbation, are otherwise faithful. She sounds like a nut case, throwing tantrums like that...don't get married to her. At least, not until she works on her issues.


----------

