# Starting the process of divorce



## 356089 (7 mo ago)

LONG POST: 

We have been together since 2011 and married since 2018. My husband has always been the type to do whatever his parents tell him. When we were dating he used to lie and say we were home when we were at a bar like we were on a curfew. As the years went on we had to do every holiday with his family and couldn't take time alone. He said he wouldn't vacation with me because we weren't married. When we got married we couldn't go away because he didn't want to be without his family.

His dad passed away in 2020 and then his mom had a stroke in 2020. He has poured all of his time money and resources into replacing his father. He will jump anytime his mother calls him and run over there. We had ONE date night (he wouldn't agree to spend a whole Saturday) and he still will pick up the phone or cancel with me. His mother refuses medical care and insists on him doing everything for her. His older (37/38 yo) sister lives with his mom and doesn't pay rent. He thinks it is okay that he still waits on his mom and pays her bills and for occasional caregivers. He has taken out 60k in loans without consulting me and works his Job. Now he has stopped paying his portion of joint bills like rent and PGE. Also his car that he pressured me into cosigning for him. I get stuck paying so we don't get kicked out.... when I bring up concerns or request that he pays his bills he gets mad and yells. Says that I am not a good wife for wanting him to spend time with me and pay his bills. Says his mother is the most important thing in our marriage and its not a competition. I should be okay with him helping his mom. I tell him that his mother needs to pay her own bills and get proper medical care. He should not compromise our finances and marriage for her not wanting to go into a care facility... 

He also believes that I should just submit because he is a man/husband and i should do what he says regarding our life together and any future kids religion etc. To me all of this is emotional, financial and spiritual abuse. He has never hit me. But he throws things and has punched a hole in the wall. I admit to responding to his name calling (*****, psycho,petty, cold) and lying by calling him names (bum and ignorant) and I tell him to stop playing with his mom and get her real and proper care. He sees any pushback as disrespectful. Refuses marriage counseling from therapist or his pastor. Wants me to keep everything a secret and portray our marriage as healthy. He will then come back and give sad eyes and say how much he loves me and wants this to work. The whole thing goes in a cycle.

I have started working with a lawyer, mainly for financial reasons. But if he keeps choosing to be with his mom over me I can't stay.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

HappyWithMe88 said:


> LONG POST:
> 
> We have been together since 2011 and married since 2018. My husband has always been the type to do whatever his parents tell him. When we were dating he used to lie and say we were home when we were at a bar like we were on a curfew. As the years went on we had to do every holiday with his family and couldn't take time alone. He said he wouldn't vacation with me because we weren't married. When we got married we couldn't go away because he didn't want to be without his family.
> 
> ...


If he has always been this way then it's very unlikely he will change. 

This line is just crazy: "Says that I am not a good wife for wanting him to spend time with me and pay his bills".


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## 356089 (7 mo ago)

bobert said:


> If he has always been this way then it's very unlikely he will change.
> 
> This line is just crazy: "Says that I am not a good wife for wanting him to spend time with me and pay his bills".


It's very crazy! He has this idea that I should want him to do everything for his mom and sister because thats what good sons do... and me handle our household myself. He says can't be happy spending time with me knowing his mother wants his help.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Oh wow. He’s married to his Mommy, not you.

ya, that would never work for me. I hope you can get untangled from his mess soon!

can the joint things you own be separated? New loans in either your name or his name only? id start seeing how much can be separated. I’d also stop paying all his bills - he needs to handle his own obligations instead of putting everything on you.

his situation with his Mom won’t change. Doesn’t his Mom have monthly money? I’m sure she does. Because it won’t change - it’s up to you to change the situation with your marriage since it makes you that unhappy.


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## 356089 (7 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Oh wow. He’s married to his Mommy, not you.
> 
> ya, that would never work for me. I hope you can get untangled from his mess soon!
> 
> ...


Yes his mom is making more than him on SSI and whatever else his dad left her! Only the car and apartment are in both names and he wont refinance the car again, my name is on it bc his credit is shot with all the loans for him and his mom.... it hurts but was a blessing from God that my husband didn't want to combine finances or do anything joint when we got married (that should have tipped me off!). I try to only pay the rent and car so my credit won't dip. I get yelled at and called cold hearted and petty when I won't give him money. The guilt used to work but I see better now how that is just manipulation.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

These stories confuse the hell out of me. It wasn’t until I came to TAM that I’ve heard about these insane momma’s boys. How does this happen? How are they so brainwashed into completely ruining their lives to take care of their mother instead looking after their own lives and family?

whatever.


OP. Don’t know how you stayed so long. I’d get out. He isnt ever going to change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems you ignored red flags for 7 years but married anyway.
When we marry we should cut the apron strings which he never has even after so long. His sister lives with her so it's not as if she is even alone. 

I would give him the options of 1) marriage counselling or 2) divorce.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

HappyWithMe88 said:


> It's very crazy! He has this idea that I should want him to do everything for his mom and sister because thats what *good sons *do... and me handle our household myself. He says can't be happy spending time with me knowing his mother wants his help.


That's all well and good only up to a certain point. It's a good thing that he is looking after his mother that had a stroke, because the recovery is long. 

The real question is, has he ever given any thought about what a *good husband* would do? Is he being a part of your team? Or he's just neglecting his responsibilities as a husband to go fulfill his responsibilities as a son? If I may suggest, it is time for you both to sit down with a couple's counselor and see how you can work this out effectively? Divorce is always an option, but need not be the only option in a lot of cases.


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## 356089 (7 mo ago)

Asterix said:


> That's all well and good only up to a certain point. It's a good thing that he is looking after his mother that had a stroke, because the recovery is long.
> 
> The real question is, has he ever given any thought about what a *good husband* would do? Is he being a part of your team? Or he's just neglecting his responsibilities as a husband to go fulfill his responsibilities as a son? If I may suggest, it is time for you both to sit down with a couple's counselor and see how you can work this out effectively? Divorce is always an option, but need not be the only option in a lot of cases.


Divorce seems to be the only option as he refuses marriage counseling or other outside help.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

I'm sorry that he's being so intransigent about this situation, especially because it is going to change his life drastically, even if he didn't care about how much it is going to affect you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HappyWithMe88 said:


> It's very crazy! He has this idea that I should want him to do everything for his mom and sister because thats what good sons do... and me handle our household myself. He says can't be happy spending time with me knowing his mother wants his help.


You say he has a pastor. Well if he knew his faith it is clearly written in the bible (Genisis)
_That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. H_e is no longer tied to his mother/sister, his first priority should be you.
He is breaking the word of God, you should speak with the pastor and tell the truth and not play happy families anymore for appearances.
Time to get your ducks in a row and consider separating from him. Looks like he is simply using you to pay the bills.
BTW what is the sister doing, cant she take more of an active role in this if she is living there?


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## 356089 (7 mo ago)

aine said:


> You say he has a pastor. Well if he knew his faith it is clearly written in the bible (Genisis)
> _That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. H_e is no longer tied to his mother/sister, his first priority should be you.
> He is breaking the word of God, you should speak with the pastor and tell the truth and not play happy families anymore for appearances.
> Time to get your ducks in a row and consider separating from him. Looks like he is simply using you to pay the bills.
> BTW what is the sister doing, cant she take more of an active role in this if she is living there?


I am in the process of separating. Been speaking with an attorney and gathering documents the last month and half.and I agree! But he comes back with "honor your father and mother" as the reason to put others first... to me it's very twisted. I am finally accepting that I have ignored too much and can't continue like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

HappyWithMe88 said:


> I am in the process of separating. Been speaking with an attorney and gathering documents the last month and half.and I agree! But he comes back with "honor your father and mother" as the reason to put others first... to me it's very twisted. I am finally accepting that I have ignored too much and can't continue like this.


Well honouring doesn't mean to the detriment of your wife.
Cant his sister help care for the mother?


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