# Did any of you ever make peace?



## Providence

Hello,

My exW tried contacting me about 4 months ago after two years of zero contact. At the time I did not want to talk to her, I felt I had nothing to say. Now, I feel like I want to break the ice and let her know everything is ok and that i wish her well. Is that a good idea? I've been doing good on my own but recently thoughts of my past with her have been racing though my mind once in a while. I think talking to her can either help me get complete closure or it can set me back. Any ideas?

Thanks,

Providence.


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## Jellybeans

If you feel making contact is what is right for you, then go for it.


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## 06Daddio08

As yourself why you want to do it and go from there. If it's for the right reasons, go for it. If it's for the wrong reasons, figure out why you feel the way you do and continue on in life.


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## Providence

Jellybeans said:


> If you feel making contact is what is right for you, then go for it.


That's the problem. Im not sure if I would be opening Pandoras Box by doing that.


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## 06Daddio08

Providence said:


> That's the problem. Im not sure if I would be opening Pandoras Box by doing that.


Pandora's Box? Sounds to like you're not ready to accept whatever happens if you do this.


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## Providence

06Daddio08 said:


> Pandora's Box? Sounds to like you're not ready to accept whatever happens if you do this.


I'm ok with doing it. But you know emotions they have a mind of their own.


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## Jellybeans

Providence said:


> That's the problem. Im not sure if I would be opening Pandoras Box by doing that.


Well you will never know unless you do it. Or don't do it.

The choice is ultimately yours.


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## Providence

06Daddio08 said:


> As yourself why you want to do it and go from there. If it's for the right reasons, go for it. If it's for the wrong reasons, figure out why you feel the way you do and continue on in life.


Up,

What would the right reasons be? And the wrong?


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## 06Daddio08

Providence said:


> Up,
> 
> What would the right reasons be? And the wrong?


Well that had me looking at the screen, scratching my head for a minute. I apologize but I don't recall you from my previous time on TAM and you know my old username ... rofl.

Those reasons are up to you. I'm not sure it's something I can honestly tell you. Ask yourself why you want to do it.


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## dajam

Providence said:


> Hello,
> 
> My exW tried contacting me about 4 months ago after two years of zero contact. At the time I did not want to talk to her, I felt I had nothing to say. Now, I feel like I want to break the ice and let her know everything is ok and that i wish her well. Is that a good idea? I've been doing good on my own but recently thoughts of my past with her have been racing though my mind once in a while. I think talking to her can either help me get complete closure or it can set me back. Any ideas?
> 
> Thanks,
> 
> Providence.


Only you can make this call and be good with it. Can you accept what comes out of this meeting. Good, bad or indifferent? What do you think? You probably already know.


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## Hardtohandle

Are you gonna be okay if you call her and she tells you that she found the love of her life ? 

If the answer is no.. Then don't call..


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## Providence

Hardtohandle said:


> Are you gonna be okay if you call her and she tells you that she found the love of her life ?
> 
> If the answer is no.. Then don't call..


I would be completely ok with this. It would be more difficult if she started bringing back old memories and started to reminisce on what we were. I dont want to go there.


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## Providence

06Daddio08 said:


> Well that had me looking at the screen, scratching my head for a minute. I apologize but I don't recall you from my previous time on TAM and you know my old username ... rofl.
> 
> Those reasons are up to you. I'm not sure it's something I can honestly tell you. Ask yourself why you want to do it.


You were one of the few posters on my original thread. I think you, regroup and I hit TAM around the same time. Obviously Im more of a lurker.


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## ne9907

Providence said:


> I would be completely ok with this. It would be more difficult if she started bringing back old memories and started to reminisce on what we were. I dont want to go there.


Don't call her. If the thought of what could have been upsets you, I suggest you do not call her. 
I am the opposite. I had to have contact with ex husband in order to heal. I no longer get upset about him or what we could have been. It is over. 
For instance, this morning he texted me with a "Happy Veterans Day" I got angry because it was extremely early in the morning!
I felt nothing towards ex upon reading text. 

Good luck to you.


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## Wolf1974

I can only add my perspective. My x was a terrible wife and cheated on me. We have kids together and so I have no choice in communicating with her. But if we had no kids I would never ever speak to her again. I envy the people who have this option. Anyone who does should look to it as a blessing .


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## Shooboomafoo

LOL.. When I drop off my kid in the morning at the ex's house, I sometimes have the unfortunate pleasure of getting there right when she is leaving for work. Noting how she has "instilled" some of the same routine that "we" had, forcing her now husband who doesn't work to come outside and kiss her goodbye.. it's like watching a re-run of my old, fraudulent life. Sometimes, they go at it a bit extra if I am there, dropping of the kid, I guess to ensure that I am aware of their "zeal" for one another.

Fact is, my ex is not the same person at all, and her four years of consistent Xanax routine has cooked her brain into a horrible excuse for a human.. to communicate with her any more than is necessary, is of no interest to me.


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## Openminded

My ex-husband and I were married over 45 years when I filed. I hated him while all of that was going on. After the divorce, I decided to forgive him (for myself) and I sent him a text owning my part for the bad in our marriage and telling him how much I appreciated the good that was there. 

That allowed us to be friends again and now I can enjoy seeing him and his new wife (who wasn't his AP) at family functions. Although I admit the best part of that is I get to happily leave without him when they're over. There's a smile on my face when I do.


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## 3Xnocharm

My advice...dont do it. You are doing good, why pick at that old wound? You could be inviting drama...who needs that?


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## stillhoping

I struggle with this all the time. I do have kids with exH but they are 25 and 27, so I really have no reason to be in contact. My oldest is getting married soon, so we will be sharing those plans, mostly through the kids. When we were first getting divorced (his idea), he used to say to me, "let's not end up being hateful then 5 years from now being friends". I told him I would never be friends with someone who behaved the way he did


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## Providence

The reason why I've thought of breaking no contact with her is to eventually live my life with no regrets and no emotional baggage tucked somewhere deep in my mind. I feel I need to make peace with that part of me which was lost some time ago. I've done good picking the pieces up and rebuilding myself but I feel that some of that reckage still weighs me down from time to time. Eventually I'd like to let it all go. I really don't want to hate this person for ever or have any type of resentment for the way things played out. 

When the time is right I will reach out and and let her know I'm ok and will wish her the same. It will be liberating for me and I'm sure it will be for her to. When I'm able to this I will finally be able to say that I'm TRULY AND UTTERLY OK.


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## Providence

Openminded said:


> My ex-husband and I were married over 45 years when I filed. I hated him while all of that was going on. After the divorce, I decided to forgive him (for myself) and I sent him a text owning my part for the bad in our marriage and telling him how much I appreciated the good that was there.
> 
> That allowed us to be friends again and now I can enjoy seeing him and his new wife (who wasn't his AP) at family functions. Although I admit the best part of that is I get to happily leave without him when they're over. There's a smile on my face when I do.


This is how I want to feel some day.


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## Cinema79

Wolf1974 said:


> I can only add my perspective. My x was a terrible wife and cheated on me. We have kids together and so I have no choice in communicating with her. But if we had no kids I would never ever speak to her again. I envy the people who have this option. Anyone who does should look to it as a blessing .


I hate to say this, but it's a weird, strange, and somewhat difficult experience to be divorced from a woman who you DIDN'T have kids with as well. 

I have not seen my ex-wife in over a year, and even though I've been in a new relationship for over a year now, there is not a week that goes by that I don't think about her in someway. We've been divorced for only two years and she is already remarried, but it's the fact that this person played a HUGE role in my life, had my last name, shared a bed with me for five years, had a massive wedding with - and they just disappear? It does certainly screw with your head in ways the most will NEVER understand.

But to answer the OP's question: No, we never did make peace. Her last message to me via email was that of a very condescending, b!tchy-tone. Unless she gets divorced again (which would not surprise me at all), I don't think I'll ever see or hear from this person ever again. It's very sad because you loved this person (but in my case probably for the best because she could never return that love).


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

Interesting timing. Last night, my youngest daughter had her school volleyball banquet. So me, my ex and the two kids were all sitting together at the table. We talked some - friendly enough - but her behavior and appearance just had me sitting there bemused at how in the world I put up with her antics, drama, etc. all those years.

Make Peace? I've always been able to carry a conversation with her since I left. And I have absolutely no feelings for the woman at all. There are things she does that are baffling - after 18 months, still no job and the kids suffer for that, she sold the two cars I gave her in the divorce because she "needed the money"; my oldest daughter's car is their sole mode of transport - but I feel sorry for my kids, not her. So, yeah, I guess so.

At Peace? Hell yes! 

DPR


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## Deejo

Providence said:


> The reason why I've thought of breaking no contact with her is to eventually live my life with no regrets and no emotional baggage tucked somewhere deep in my mind. I feel I need to make peace with that part of me which was lost some time ago. I've done good picking the pieces up and rebuilding myself but I feel that some of that reckage still weighs me down from time to time. Eventually I'd like to let it all go. I really don't want to hate this person for ever or have any type of resentment for the way things played out.
> 
> When the time is right I will reach out and and let her know I'm ok and will wish her the same. It will be liberating for me and I'm sure it will be for her to. When I'm able to this I will finally be able to say that I'm TRULY AND UTTERLY OK.


You can call your ex-wife, process what you need to, feel whatever feelings come up, and still be truly and utterly ok.

Having emotions doesn't mean you're broken, or haven't healed and moved on. Just means you're human.


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## Openminded

Providence said:


> This is how I want to feel some day.


When I was going through my divorce, I didn't think there was the slightest chance I would ever want to do that --- let alone actually do it. But I did. 

You'll get there too.


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## Faithful123

The fact you are asking indicates a level of uncertainty and perhaps vulnerability. There is a possibility if you are still holding a level of emotional attachment, not sure if you are, that it may damage you or open up old wounds. Having said that, these challenges tend to shape us even when they are negative. I've learnt that making myself uncomfortable is not always a bad thing. 

On face value I reckon, have a go and call. Good luck.


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## hope4family

Making peace with your ex is not a bad proposition. 

Especially if you can handle it. 

My current experience. Is that I am attempting to, but like all things it takes time, and you have to have zero expectations. 

My attempt at making peace is for the sake of our sons long term health, but it doesn't involve anything that I feel I can't handle right now.


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## SamuraiJack

For myself, I don’t really care if we ever make peace. 
For her, making peace is all about image management and rationalizing her shabby treatment of me and the people around her.
If we make peace she can use the old “Well, it all worked out for the best”…and she is off the hook.

In my world, consequences accompany actions.
She cheated and then laid it all on me and then left.

Why would I need to make peace with that set of actions?

Dredging up the past rarely works out and usually ends up getting people hurt.
Your wounds are mostly healed. Why would you want to open them up again?


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## TheGoodGuy

SamuraiJack said:


> For her, making peace is all about image management and rationalizing her shabby treatment of me and the people around her.
> If we make peace she can use the old “Well, it all worked out for the best”…and she is off the hook.
> 
> In my world, consequences accompany actions.
> She cheated and then laid it all on me and then left.


I had this exact conversation with my IC the other day. About finding the balance between "you're off the hook" and "I'm harboring unhealthy-for-me hate for the rest of eternity". (By the way I feel like I'm right in the middle at the moment.)


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## SamuraiJack

TheGoodGuy said:


> I had this exact conversation with my IC the other day. About finding the balance between "you're off the hook" and "I'm harboring unhealthy-for-me hate for the rest of eternity". (By the way I feel like I'm right in the middle at the moment.)


I am simply going to leave it on her. 
She made her choices and her actions. I know if she continues like this she will eventually screw the pooch with some more bad life choices.

In the meantime, I distance and if I happen to be around when her life implodes yet again...then I get a free show...


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## Providence

TheGoodGuy said:


> I had this exact conversation with my IC the other day. About finding the balance between "you're off the hook" and "I'm harboring unhealthy-for-me hate for the rest of eternity". (By the way I feel like I'm right in the middle at the moment.)


Exactly how I feel. I don't want to be pulling that hook for ever, what good will that be? And I feel the hate is completely unhealthy for the person feeling it. I'm at the middle right now too, but pushing on eventually making peace with her and myself. The marriage is over and as much as I can hate that I can't and will not carry that burden with me forever. I choose to part with it when the moment is right taking with me the lessons learned.


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## Providence

SamuraiJack said:


> For myself, I don’t really care if we ever make peace.
> For her, making peace is all about image management and rationalizing her shabby treatment of me and the people around her.
> If we make peace she can use the old “Well, it all worked out for the best”…and she is off the hook.
> 
> In my world, consequences accompany actions.
> She cheated and then laid it all on me and then left.
> 
> Why would I need to make peace with that set of actions?
> 
> Dredging up the past rarely works out and usually ends up getting people hurt.
> Your wounds are mostly healed. Why would you want to open them up again?


My reason for wanting this is to loose the small amounts of hate and anger I still have for this person. This feelings don't do her any harm, hell she doesn't even know I still feel this way sometimes. The only person affected by this negative feelings is me. Their's no place for negative feelings in me anymore, so I want to part ways with the hate, resentment and anger left behind by my past with her.


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## hope4family

Providence said:


> My reason for wanting this is to loose the small amounts of hate and anger I still have for this person. This feelings don't do her any harm, hell she doesn't even know I still feel this way sometimes. The only person affected by this negative feelings is me. Their's no place for negative feelings in me anymore, so I want to part ways with the hate, resentment and anger left behind by my past with her.



Write a letter to her, and burn it. 

Get some counseling. If you must make personal peace with her, in your emotional state, I do not think you are ready. 

Don't use words, if you feel like you must make peace, show it through actions, be cordial, be consistent, if you can do something that is within your limit to do, do it.


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## Ceegee

Providence said:


> My reason for wanting this is to loose the small amounts of hate and anger I still have for this person. This feelings don't do her any harm, hell she doesn't even know I still feel this way sometimes. The only person affected by this negative feelings is me. Their's no place for negative feelings in me anymore, so I want to part ways with the hate, resentment and anger left behind by my past with her.



You don't need to contact her to accomplish what you want to accomplish. 

It's simply a decision you need to make. 

Make peace with yourself first. You don't need her validation.


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