# I thought I could do this....



## jen213 (Aug 20, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 7 years now.He had an affair with a lady at his work.Of course lied about the whole thing and the lady ended up calling me and telling me about the affair. He would tell me he is meeting with male friends.He wasnt he was with her.He would even come home smelling like a woman and lay with me and kiss me and when I asked he denied.I felt so betrayed and humilated.I felt like emotionally and physically someone had died.We seperated for 4 months and in that time he dated her.When he realized I was what he wanted we decided to try and work our marriage out.(I also must mention he still works with this lady we cant afford for him not to work right now.)Its been almost a year now since all of this.A couple months ago I found out that he watches porn.I tried to watch with him I wasnt to in to it.But I tried right? It makes me insecure.I almost feel like I am not good enough to turn him on myself? I feel he isnt honest with me about everything because he doesnt want to make me upset.The fact that I found out from the lady about the affair and not him haunts me.I feel like everything he says is a lie.I know he is trying and I should be giving him the benifit of the doubt. I check the phone bill almost everyday,I question him 3 or 4 times about the same question to make sure he is being honest even then I am not sure. I let him hang out with his friends and he doesnt come home still until 2 or 3 in the morning.He is frustrated and I am frustrated.He says I should be over it now. when he does plan to go out up until the moment when he is about to leave Im fine.As he walks out the door I get angry and somehow feel abandoned?? Is any of this really normal after 1 year.I love my husband and I know he loves me but has too much damage been done to try to fix?? When we were seperated I preyed god would mend my family back together.But I feel like the man that was given back is different than the one that left.I dont know what to do.I feel emotionally drained..Advice would help...Thanks


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

So exactly what work have you done on your marriage? What have you done to address YOUR part in the troubles? What has your husband done to address HIS part in the troubles? What have you done TOGETHER to address BOTH of your parts in the marriage?


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## jen213 (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe thats my problem. I have accepted my fault in the affair.I was awful at that time before the affair.I didnt give him the attention he needed I wasnt supportive in ayway. I understand not why he made the chioce he did but what my part was in the whole situation.He was very sorry.We love each other alot and he has always been the best father.He works really hard he is a good man that made a mistake.I beleive that he isnt addicted to porn but does watch is occasionally.I feel like the porn played a part in the affair? My problem is where do I begin to heal? I feel like since the affair my insecurities have just gotten bigger. How do I begin to trust when I felt lied to for so long? I feel like I am pushing him away.He calls me all the time to say he loves me.He goes out but he sees that it hurts me he stays.He assures me everyday that I have nothing to worry about. Where do I begin to trust? Is there really a time line?When do I know that betrayal is something I Cant get over and it would be better to seperate because I feel like I am losing myself. That I am consumed in trying to not let it happen again.Now watching everything I do to prevent it. Seeing things that arent even there? When do I say I cant...that the pain is to much how do I let go? So that I can move on?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Wow! A Bazillion questions! I really appreciate that - you are thinking this through! I can try to answer at least some, if you'd like (=



> I feel like the porn played a part in the affair?


Ok, so this isn't really a question (is it?) - more of a statement. I'd say that chances are porn _coincided_ with the affair. Often men turn to porn when they feel a lack of sexual satisfaction in their marriage - Sexual Fulfillment is an emotional need identified on Marriagebuilders.com.



> My problem is where do I begin to heal?


First thing: keep in mind this can take some time. Second thing: put all your effort into improving your part of the relationship.

One thing you can do that is VERY effective is to find out what your personality type is. Also - find out what your husband's is (both of you can take this quiz). It's really fun to share (expect some good laughs and 'aha! moments) - check out the results of your 'types' here.

After that, take the Love Busters questionnaire (both of you) and make a commitment to stopping every instance of Love Busting that you do to each other. This is imperative for a healthy marriage. Not quite as fun as the Type test - but essential - unless you stop destroying the love that your spouse feels for you, any efforts you put into creating love will be negated.

Then take the Emotional Needs questionnaire (both of you) and commit to doing all you can to fulfill these needs for one another.

If you feel adventurous and want to go into more detail, check out the Love Extinguishers Questionnaire and the Love Kindlers Questionnaire on our website for some similar (but more detailed) work.



> How do I begin to trust when I felt lied to for so long?


Over time this will become less of a problem - as long as lies don't continue. When you begin to see that his words match his actions over an extended period of time, you'll begin to believe that he is telling you the truth more and more. I suggest you talk this over with him - tell him how hard it is, and that you are working on it, and ask him to be patient with you as you watch to make sure you don't get hurt again.



> Where do I begin to trust?


That is actually a decision you, and you alone can make. Keep in ind that there is a difference between _refusing_ to trust - that is RESENTMENT, rather than a lack of trust - and finding it difficult. Time heals wounds - over time, as long as your husband remains honest, you'll see it more and more, and one day you'll find that you do trust him to be telling the truth. 



> Is there really a time line?


Not really - although if you turn it to resentment your husband might decide he has had enough - that can be a Love Buster in a big way (it is a form of Disrespectful Judgment)



> When do I know that betrayal is something I Cant get over and it would be better to seperate because I feel like I am losing myself.


Put some effort into work ON your marriage before you make any decisions based upon emotions. It is the work that brings results - you'll get no results if you just sit, fret and wait. 

However, this is a very serious question: the inference I get from it is not that you are wanting to solve your marriage troubles, but that you are looking for someone to give you an out. I won't help with that (I know that marriages can be saved, improved, and turn out MUCH better than anyone ever thought possible.) There are others on this thread who would be more than happy to give you the excuse for which you may be looking.



> That I am consumed in trying to not let it happen again.Now watching everything I do to prevent it. Seeing things that arent even there?


This goes right back to my original post on your thread: what have YOU done, what has your HUSBAND done - to actually fix this? It sounds to me like you are sitting, waiting, and thinking that THIS will fix things. (It won't!)



> When do I say I cant...that the pain is to much how do I let go? So that I can move on?


_Now _if you want to. Nothing to stop you except you. Note however, that leaving the marriage in NO way will get rid of the pain. You cannot move on until THAT is dealt with - and that can be done IN your marriage, with your husband, who is your friend and lover, as well as outside. Divorce, moving away, is NOT the answer you seek. Dealing with the pain is.

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## jen213 (Aug 20, 2010)

Wow...I dont want an easy way out.Your right I do have things to work. Your awsome...Thanks so much for your advice...it will help alot..I cant thank you enough!!!!!!!!


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