# Why does DDay 2 shock us?



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

We often see betrayed spouses even more devastated by the second betrayal. Why? 

Unlike before we now know we have a cheater on our hands.

Is it because, unlike before, they now know without a shadow of doubt, how much they hurt us, yet do it again?


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

illwill said:


> Is it because, unlike before, they now know without doubt how much they hurt us, yet do it again?


I guess that can depend on what kind of DD2 we're talking about.

It could be a second affair as you allude. 

It could also be "I've told you the whole truth" but it wasn't. I.E. it was only and EA but really was a PA or no condom, pregnancy or other devastating information about the truth of the affair. In that case it's the worst case of truckle truth after the WS knows how much the lies hurt.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Its because in order for there to be a dday number 2, you have to be in R. And when dday 2 happens you realize you have been in false R, IMHO.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Its because in order for there to be a dday number 2, you have to be in R. And when dday 2 happens you realize you have been in false R, IMHO.


:iagree:

Plus, the first time the BS feels like they were too trusting. The second time the BS just feels like a fool.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I think how you deal with dday 1 sets the path for if you have a dday 2.

If every betrayed spouse kicked out the wayward on dday its unlikely youd get more trickle truth or ddays.

How many times have we seen dday 2 from betrayed spouses who are decisive?


----------



## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I have 2 Ddays, one from each of my wives. the second one may be the hardest to take. My second wife KNEW how hurt I was by my first wife's betrayal, yet she did it anyway. to say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement. To top it off, amonth after my second Dday, I found out my wife had been in an EA with an old boyfriend the entire time we had been together (4 years). I guess maybe I've had 3 Ddays. Infidelity F*****G sucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Did your second wife know you wanted to reconcile with the first? If so, perhaps this helped her cheat also, believing shed be forgiven too.

Did you reconcile with the second wife? And how did u come to terms with her doing this to you again?


----------



## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

i didn't reconcile with my first wife. we divorced after I found out about her affair. my first wife and I have 2 kids. My second wife knew how badly I was hurt by my first wife, yet my second wife had an affair also. She also carried on an EA with an old BF the entire time we were together. My second wife moved out in November. We are technically in R, but really I feel it's over. I don't think I can ever really forgive her. I need to concentrate on myself and my kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Dont stay in limbo too long. Dates are your friends.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

illwill said:


> I think how you deal with dday 1 sets the path for if you have a dday 2.
> 
> If every betrayed spouse kicked out the wayward on dday its unlikely youd get more trickle truth or ddays.
> 
> How many times have we seen dday 2 from betrayed spouses who are decisive?


This in a nutshell.. most DDay2's are because of the way things were handled on DDay1... they rug swept, allowed the minimization, the blame shifting, the gas lighting, no accountability.. no consequences, no kicking them out, tossing out under garments.. no shame or exposure... etc..


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

illwill said:


> If every betrayed spouse kicked out the wayward on dday its unlikely youd get more trickle truth or ddays.


I think that works with many cheaters. But not all of them. I found out my ex was a serial cheater. He was still lying about his affairs and giving me trickle truth about a number of things even after our divorce was final. Some of them just don't ever stop lying. I won't have any more DDays because I removed myself from the situation, not because he somehow magically saw the light and stopped lying to me. He's still lying about his affairs - just not to me anymore.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree. Serial cheaters will never stop lying.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

This is only speculation on my part, but if my WW ever cheats again, I won't be as devastated. I know exactly what I'd do.

However, that wouldn't erase the feeling that I gave her a second chance and she played me for a fool. Like the saying, "shame on me".


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had 30 years of R between DD1 and DD2. Who knows what was going on during those 30 years that I didn't catch but when DD2 happened I began making plans to get out. I wish I had done that after DD1. 

Thirty years is a very long time to think you are in R. So I'm cynical about R working successfully long-term for most couples. Some, yes. Most, no.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Graywolf2 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Plus, the first time the BS feels like they were too trusting. The second time the BS just feels like a fool.


Its like rubbing salt in the wound. The pain is even worse.


----------



## RNS (Apr 6, 2013)

Not sure how many technical D-Days I had, but....

For me it was partly the blame shifting that got to me. She played me. "If you were better (lover, provider, sculpted like new boy toy....superman) this would not of happened." BS. 

God I am happy to be free


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I had 30 years of R between DD1 and DD2. Who knows what was going on during those 30 years that I didn't catch but when DD2 happened I began making plans to get out. I wish I had done that after DD1.
> 
> Thirty years is a very long time to think you are in R. So I'm cynical about R working successfully long-term for most couples. Some, yes. Most, no.


That is rough. Jeez. Do you feel all those years were worthless? Did children come along?


----------



## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Illwill. What happened with your ex? Do you think she regrets her affair? Do you still speak with her?


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Has anyone had 3 DDays and still R? Just curious...


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Summer4744 said:


> Illwill. What happened with your ex? Do you think she regrets her affair? Do you still speak with her?


She lost it on dday. Begging to stay. I kicked her out and divorced her by the end of the year. We are co-parents so we talk often. Id like to be friends again. 

She did everything right to reconcile, but my love and respect for her could not be repaired.

She still wants to.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

illwill said:


> We often see betrayed spouses even more devastated by the second betrayal. Why?


Because those surprised gave their cheaters a chance to give them a DDay 2.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I had 30 years of R between DD1 and DD2. Who knows what was going on during those 30 years that I didn't catch but when DD2 happened I began making plans to get out. I wish I had done that after DD1.
> 
> Thirty years is a very long time to think you are in R. So I'm cynical about R working successfully long-term for most couples. Some, yes. Most, no.


I'm curious, since I'm in R.. after DD1, was there consequences, did the affair get exposed? AP's spouse told about the affair, friends, family? Did you split? How did you R, was it mostly rug swept, don't talk about it, get over it? Was there any showing of remorse, or blame shifting and minimizing?


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I'm curious, since I'm in R.. after DD1, was there consequences, did the affair get exposed? AP's spouse told about the affair, friends, family? Did you split? How did you R, was it mostly rug swept, don't talk about it, get over it? Was there any showing of remorse, or blame shifting and minimizing?


He needed this place 30 years ago.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a great topic - thanks Illwill for bringing it up. I've had two DDays.

I'd say DDay2 was 75% as bad as DDay1.  There wasn't as much shock, but there was just as much pain. It took me the 2nd DDay to give my wife the ultimatum I should have given her the first time. There will be no third time. If I find she's been talking to him again, or has been for a long time, I am done. And I've made that very clear to her.

The problem in my case was that 1-year after DDay1 (she kept NC for 1 year), she felt that she was able to resume the platonic friendship they had for 20 years, and that the romantic feelings were gone. Therefore, she felt safe. She actually had me convinced for a few weeks until I came to my senses.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> This is a great topic - thanks Illwill for bringing it up. I've had two DDays.
> 
> I'd say DDay2 was 75% as bad as DDay1. There wasn't as much shock, but there was just as much pain. It took me the 2nd DDay to give my wife the ultimatum I should have given her the first time. There will be no third time. If I find she's been talking to him again, or has been for a long time, I am done. And I've made that very clear to her.
> 
> The problem in my case was that 1-year after DDay1 (she kept NC for 1 year), she felt that she was able to resume the platonic friendship they had for 20 years, and that the romantic feelings were gone. Therefore, she felt safe. She actually had me convinced for a few weeks until I came to my senses.


Soooo... what happened?


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Will you be shocked if it happens again?


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Not so sure DD1 ever ended entirely for me and as I bring up infidelity as a topic quite often and with other events that have unfolded in the last year I find it hard to believe DD2 will ever come around as I am pretty much half way out the door anyway, and that, as sad as it may seem is how life is, every day I want to step in fully but it's not that I can't, I just won't.

A lot of people end up in DD2 scenarios as they are freaked out by the occurrence of DD1 and rug sweep, do not follow through or gether complete evidence to show how fully they have been betrayed and this is the breeding ground of false R as the WS is essentially "safe" once the dust settles if there is no hard or sufficient evidence of the complete betrayal, all too often there are too many shoot too soon blow ups where evidence is not logged and research is not done and this often allows WSs to lie their a$$es off and play it down, gaslight, blame shift and such and then once the heat is off they start up again because they know they can and get away with it, just teaches them to be more careful and cover their tracks better. DD2 happens when BS discovers another A and is more mortified as they placed trust in their WS who did it again. Double hitter on the pride.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

illwill said:


> Will you be shocked if it happens again?


No, I would not be shocked. I would just go cold - all feelings for my wife and marriage would simply vanish. I've physiologically conditioned myself to do this. 

Financially, we would likely have to stay married on paper for a few years, but I certainly wouldn't consider her my wife any longer.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Not so sure DD1 ever ended entirely for me and as I bring up infidelity as a topic quite often and with other events that have unfolded in the last year I find it hard to believe DD2 will ever come around as I am pretty much half way out the door anyway, and that, as sad as it may seem is how life is, every day I want to step in fully but it's not that I can't, I just won't.
> 
> A lot of people end up in DD2 scenarios as they are freaked out by the occurrence of DD1 and rug sweep, do not follow through or gether complete evidence to show how fully they have been betrayed and this is the breeding ground of false R as the WS is essentially "safe" once the dust settles if there is no hard or sufficient evidence of the complete betrayal, all too often there are too many shoot too soon blow ups where evidence is not logged and research is not done and this often allows WSs to lie their a$$es off and play it down, gaslight, blame shift and such and then once the heat is off they start up again because they know they can and get away with it, just teaches them to be more careful and cover their tracks better. DD2 happens when BS discovers another A and is more mortified as they placed trust in their WS who did it again. Double hitter on the pride.


This is true. And by taking them back you have shown them what they likely suspected, that cheating is not your dealbreaker.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Pepper123 said:


> Soooo... what happened?


She petulantly accepted my ultimatum. Then counseling helped temper that. It's been 18 months since that day. Basically, it scared her a lot. So far, so good since then.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

illwill said:


> This is true. And by taking them back you have shown them what they likely suspected, that cheating is not your dealbreaker.


Depends, for a great many there is a distinct difference between EAs and PAs, nnoe for me but, I think EAs are even more widely rug swept as "it was only on the internet" and "I never actually met them", "I just liked the attention they gave me that you didn't" lines get heavy use and then blame shifting ensues along with endless lies and it just gets burried under bull crap, those are the ones who are hit with a PA for DD2 and it really is their killer, read a bunch of threads here that have proved this time and again.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

As far as women are concerned those EA's can sometimes be worse than the PA's.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

illwill said:


> As far as women are concerned those EA's can sometimes be worse than the PA's.


Which is why if it is both an EA & PA then you are in real trouble... you are touching and pulling on the strongest of connections from both sides.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Fool me once, shame on you
> Fool me twice, shame on me


Fool me three times and i must have footprints on my back.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Because on that first DD, you try so very hard to believe in your spouse and their lies. There’s that little dude on your shoulder whispering “she really didn’t fathom how badly this would hurt you... no one is that cruel or callous... particularly not her...” You just don’t want to believe you could be so wrong about them. You just don’t want to really feel that full pain of knowing they actually intended on hurting you this bad. 

The second DD shatters that little dude. That’s when you really feel the pain. They knew, without a doubt, how badly this wrecked you... and they made a very conscious choice to keep at it. They are cruel and callous and not at all the person you thought. They are your worst enemy... the betrayer.


----------



## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

I've had four DDays:
1) catching my very religious husband masturbating to porn in the office during lunch; a week later
2) finding out he was having phone sex and sexual emails and chats with a woman in another state. A month later and after a month of marriage counseling and assurances I knew everything;
3) discovering he was chatting, emailing and planning/having sexual encounters with someone in town. 
4) discovering a year later that he was back on the porn sites despite assurances and promises that he had quit. 

To be fair the first three all covered things that happened during one year. I think the first one was shocking-the last one was unbelievable.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Racer said:


> Because on that first DD, you try so very hard to believe in your spouse and their lies. There’s that little dude on your shoulder whispering “she really didn’t fathom how badly this would hurt you... no one is that cruel or callous... particularly not her...” You just don’t want to believe you could be so wrong about them. You just don’t want to really feel that full pain of knowing they actually intended on hurting you this bad.
> 
> The second DD shatters that little dude. That’s when you really feel the pain. They knew, without a doubt, how badly this wrecked you... and they made a very conscious choice to keep at it. They are cruel and callous and not at all the person you thought. They are your worst enemy... the betrayer.


That is what i fugured. We cannot lie to ourselves anymore. That gift is gone. We have to figure out how we got the biggest decision of our life wrong.

And if we got that wrong what else did we get wrong?

Thats a game changer and often a deal breaker.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Annesnerl said:


> I've had four DDays:
> 1) catching my very religious husband masturbating to porn in the office during lunch; a week later
> 2) finding out he was having phone sex and sexual emails and chats with a woman in another state. A month later and after a month of marriage counseling and assurances I knew everything;
> 3) discovering he was chatting, emailing and planning/having sexual encounters with someone in town.
> ...


That is awful. Sorry.

What was the fallout? Did u rugsweep the first three?

You just took his word it stopped?


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
> 
> Ah yes, from one of our foremost poets.


----------



## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

When you first find out, you want to believe them so bad. If you try to R, you put your all into it and you expect the person committed to you to do the same after they've seen the damage and pain they've caused.

In our case DD2 was from trickle truth, ugh! Just when you're able to catch ur breath a moment and possibly see a glimmer of light at the end of a longgg tunnel, here comes that damn trickle truth and it kills every bit of progress and caves in that tunnel! I think I was much more ticked off than shocked. I was only shocked he'd finally admitted something he'd been denying for months.


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

For me, Dday #2 hurt coz I gave her a chance and she decided to throw it away. I decided to give her a chance even after I saw the videos. On Dday #1 I was feeling that I was inadequate, so she cheated. Dday #2 was worse coz I felt that even our kids didn't matter to her.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you single out why she cheated the first time?


----------



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Sexual incompatibility. Long story. Last time I posted, people went bonkers.


----------



## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

Is DD2 when you realize the affair never ended? Or is it a second separate affair?


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

It could be either. And it could also be trickle truth.


----------



## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

I guess it doesn't matter. DD2 is a different kind of hurt. Not shocking.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Annesnerl said:


> I've had four DDays:
> 1) catching my very religious husband masturbating to porn in the office during lunch; a week later
> 2) finding out he was having phone sex and sexual emails and chats with a woman in another state. A month later and after a month of marriage counseling and assurances I knew everything;
> 3) discovering he was chatting, emailing and planning/having sexual encounters with someone in town.
> ...


Err.... how is looking at porn "cheating". You can't be serious can you?
Is this something you have been TOLD (say in church), or is it your own opinion.

I can tell you that I have been looking at porn for decades and it has not affected the way I view my wife, nor the desire I feel for her, nor the way we have sex.

Porn CAN be a healthy form of relief for people.

I would also agree it can be unhealthy and taken way too seriously. It obviously depends on the person.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Some wives do view it as a assault on thier sexiness.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> This is a great topic - thanks Illwill for bringing it up. I've had two DDays.
> 
> I'd say DDay2 was 75% as bad as DDay1. There wasn't as much shock, but there was just as much pain. It took me the 2nd DDay to give my wife the ultimatum I should have given her the first time. There will be no third time. If I find she's been talking to him again, or has been for a long time, I am done. And I've made that very clear to her.
> 
> *The problem in my case was that 1-year after DDay1 (she kept NC for 1 year), she felt that she was able to resume the platonic friendship they had for 20 years, and that the romantic feelings were gone. Therefore, she felt safe. *She actually had me convinced for a few weeks until I came to my senses.


Gabriel, when did you find out about this? I read your original story and thought that she would not contact this guy ever again. Did your 2nd DDay happen after the events you described in "Wife had an EA only...?" If I recall you made it plain that if she contacted him again in any way, it was over. It looks like she did indeed have more contact with him....or am I reading this wrong?


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

poida said:


> Err.... how is looking at porn "cheating". You can't be serious can you?
> Is this something you have been TOLD (say in church), or is it your own opinion.
> 
> I can tell you that I have been looking at porn for decades and it has not affected the way I view my wife, nor the desire I feel for her, nor the way we have sex.
> ...


It is most deff part of the greater problem if it was agreed as part of the terms and boundares that it was forbidden to enter those sites and others too, read Annes story.

Very often it seems as though DD2 comes from general realizations that problems are still there and most of the time it is because there is now suspicion in the mix, BSs then trust the gut and find it quicker and easier after being burned the first time.


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

for me dday2 was worse. Dday1 friendship. Co workers. Dday offers hope. Hope to fix a marriage . Hope you wont lose seeing your children full time. Hope to create happy family memories. Hope for being loved and not rejected. Hope you dont have to visualize your soul mate best friend bending some person you know over and ...hope. Dday2 is the sickening humilation realization that your family, love, future retirement plans, life as you know just was pht into a blended along with your heart n soul and grinded down to a bitter mush that all you can do is puke up. And then to realize that the two dont even care or think is funny ...is just sickening even more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

then knowing that your bs said he lied to avoid hurting you but after dday2 wont even allow you to regurgitate the emotions they inflict back onto them. Hold it in get over it. I realize now why. He absolutely cant handle feelings of guilt and shame. Thats why when i mept trying to bring it up he literally shoved me away n became abusive. To shut me down and shut down feelings of shame n guilt. I think he does not regret affair but regrets hurting us. Thats why we are in false R for so long...were.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I don't think I could handle dday 2 anywhere near like I did #1. As a matter of fact I know it would be a night and day difference.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

illwill said:


> That is what i fugured. We cannot lie to ourselves anymore. That gift is gone. We have to figure out how we got the biggest decision of our life wrong.
> 
> And if we got that wrong what else did we get wrong?
> 
> Thats a game changer and often a deal breaker.


Should also note that for those of us who continued to R after the 2nd DD (or more), the "why" answer needs to go deeper and deeper. We are less likely to accept the more superficial 'why' because that was just shattered by the 2nd DD.

Example; "I was really drunk" or various other mind altering things like prescriptions or curable mental state like depression, just don't cut it anymore. Once you might have been able to quell that voice because you still believe in them that they can 'just stop doing that'. But after a 2nd DD? Nope. It's now a very intentional streak in them to hurt you and *the intent to continue *to do so... You want to know 'why'. Promises and words hold so little value after the 2nd DD that they basically loose all value and are generally considered to be untrue or unsubstantiated. 

The 2nd DD loss is also one of their voice to sway you.


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

mine was dday1 ea. Seperation. False R. He moved back in in attempt at "real R". A year latdr i lost it. I just lost it. I yelled people only lie for sex n drugs. I looked at him and said own your crap. For once in your life own your crap. He then confessed he had PA. Back in 07 08. Dday was 2012. All the deflections projections all of it for 5 years swirled in my head. I felt like i had ptsd with adhd. He said six or seven different occasions. Then he asked if he should go. I said stay for now i may need to talk or ask questions to sort out all the garbage get out of my system. I then fell for what they say on here as hysterical bonding but i felt horrible afterwards. I told him this. He went to work. H
A gal i see everyday at wk started showing interest in him. So he strarted to gauge her interest and as i am reeling from dday2 he begins to treat me w affair behavior. I realize after three wks its not him upset from dealing w my emotions but i get a hinky feeling. I log into his email acct and there is my coworker telling him how wonderful his ****feels on lunch break. Three weeks after dday2. She is married. The only good thing from reading the emails is..at that point i knew they only went as far as groping. She clearly states her conflict of going all the way as she married. Saying she does not want to hurt anyone. Ws tells her he never cheated. I blew that affaair out right away. She then came to talk to me and profoundly apologized. I told her about his last AP and another coworker. So...thats my life. Ws now tells me he hates me. But my wkpl says they wont transfer me. I have to wk w my spouse who screws my coworkers and hates me. A divorce decree wont change my emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> mine was dday1 ea. Seperation. False R. He moved back in in attempt at "real R". A year latdr i lost it. I just lost it. I yelled people only lie for sex n drugs. I looked at him and said own your crap. For once in your life own your crap. He then confessed he had PA. Back in 07 08. Dday was 2012. All the deflections projections all of it for 5 years swirled in my head. I felt like i had ptsd with adhd. He said six or seven different occasions. Then he asked if he should go. I said stay for now i may need to talk or ask questions to sort out all the garbage get out of my system. I then fell for what they say on here as hysterical bonding but i felt horrible afterwards. I told him this. He went to work. H
> A gal i see everyday at wk started showing interest in him. So he strarted to gauge her interest and as i am reeling from dday2 he begins to treat me w affair behavior. I realize after three wks its not him upset from dealing w my emotions but i get a hinky feeling. I log into his email acct and there is my coworker telling him how wonderful his ****feels on lunch break. Three weeks after dday2. She is married. The only good thing from reading the emails is..at that point i knew they only went as far as groping. She clearly states her conflict of going all the way as she married. Saying she does not want to hurt anyone. Ws tells her he never cheated. I blew that affaair out right away. She then came to talk to me and profoundly apologized. I told her about his last AP and another coworker. So...thats my life. Ws now tells me he hates me. But my wkpl says they wont transfer me. I have to wk w my spouse who screws my coworkers and hates me. A divorce decree wont change my emotions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whoa. That is awful. I am so sorry


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Yeah. Me too. We all wk together. My kids and i resentfully hand him over to my married co wkrkers. They need him more than we do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

poida said:


> Err.... how is looking at porn "cheating". You can't be serious can you?
> Is this something you have been TOLD (say in church), or is it your own opinion.
> 
> I can tell you that I have been looking at porn for decades and it has not affected the way I view my wife, nor the desire I feel for her, nor the way we have sex.
> ...



*I have to disagree with you on this one poida. What her husband did went beyond looking at porn. He was communicating with other women via chat, emails and phone. And planning on having sex with at least one of these women he was in contact. This is beyond just looking at porn, he was in contact with live women.*

I reposted her response:


I've had four DDays:
1) catching my very religious husband masturbating to porn in the office during lunch; a week later
2) finding out he was having phone sex and sexual emails and chats with a woman in another state. A month later and after a month of marriage counseling and assurances I knew everything;
3) discovering he was chatting, emailing and planning/having sexual encounters with someone in town. 
4) discovering a year later that he was back on the porn sites despite assurances and promises that he had quit. 

To be fair the first three all covered things that happened during one year. I think the first one was shocking-the last one was unbelievable.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

These stories are awful. I divorced right after dday 1. I can never imagine having enough hope to try after dday 2. 

I dont understand but i do respect the ones that can.


----------



## Annesnerl (Dec 8, 2013)

Thanks Wranglerman and Thorburn!! I don't like conflict-and don't want to debate about whether porn is acceptable to others-I'm just posting about my marriage. Last year my husband said porn was the gateway to the other women-when the videos weren't enough-he reached out to local women for a more personal experience. Fast forward to this year-he's telling me he's off porn, no more women, and will never hurt me again. Obviously he was lying about the porn-violating trust that I didn't realize I had given back to him and of course, making me worry about how many other things he was lying about...


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

i discovered my ws doing same. Precurser to full blown PA. My ws seeks a lot of female attentjon..in me he knew he had someone into him. But he was either seeking to find someone he could relate to better..boost his ego with lots of attention or he has sexual addiction issues that i dont do it for him anymore. This ..i may never know..may never want to know. He stated he didnt do it for me anymore. I was resentful of the relationship. Sex was fabulous but my mind not so much. He saw me turn my head. Do it get it done. He took it as his performance failed. All i can think is that moment was the straw that broke the camels back . He also projects. So maybe i dont do it for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

also..my opinion on porn. Ws and i watched it together at times. I didnt have an issue. Learn something new. This about ten years ago. Then the next year is when i found in his junk mail email from aff. I went to that site. Reset password to email and discovered a profile. Looking for sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Watching together is fun. Its when they start hiding porn that you worry.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

illwill said:


> We often see betrayed spouses even more devastated by the second betrayal. Why?
> 
> Unlike before we now know we have a cheater on our hands.
> 
> Is it because, unlike before, they now know without a shadow of doubt, how much they hurt us, yet do it again?


It could also be fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and shame on me. 

Or has this already been said?

eta; Yep...many times!


----------

