# Am I wrong to be upset by this?



## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

I work in a busy profession, generally 10 -12 hours a day during the week. Hence I value my weekend time especially as it allows me to have some quality together time with my wife.

We were on a walk last night when she mentioned that she has to "break something to me". That something is an all day girls day of shopping and dinner to celebrate a friends birthday this upcoming Sunday. 

What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it before committing. If she had asked me I am sure I would have said fine as I do recognize the value of her friendships. Am I being oversensitive in that this is bothering me?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Do you expect your wife to ask your permission every time she wants to go somewhere?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

RobQ said:


> I work in a busy profession, generally 10 -12 hours a day during the week. Hence I value my weekend time especially as it allows me to have some quality together time with my wife.
> 
> We were on a walk last night when she mentioned that she has to "break something to me". That something is an all day girls day of shopping and dinner to celebrate a friends birthday this upcoming Sunday.
> 
> What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it before committing. If she had asked me I am sure I would have said fine as I do recognize the value of her friendships. * Am I being oversensitive in that this is bothering me?*


Yep.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Your feelings are your feelings. There's no right/wrong...

It sounds like you really look forward to spending quality time with your wife and probably less important when not given the consideration determining the weekend plans. 

Can you reframe it in a way that supports your wife and her friendship while also advocating for yourself in that perhaps next time she can share it with you first? Not for permission, but rather as the opportunity to help shape out the weekend plans that works best for both.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

She needs your permission? 

Really?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Yeah, you're being over sensitive.
Sounds like you like being in "control".:scratchhead:


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

RobQ said:


> I work in a busy profession, generally 10 -12 hours a day during the week. Hence I value my weekend time especially as it allows me to have some quality together time with my wife.
> 
> *We were on a walk last night when she mentioned that she has to "break something to me".* That something is an all day girls day of shopping and dinner to celebrate a friends birthday this upcoming Sunday.
> 
> What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it before committing. If she had asked me I am sure I would have said fine as I do recognize the value of her friendships. Am I being oversensitive in that this is bothering me?



If she has to "break something to you", she obviously knows you're going to be upset. Have you tried to stop her from doing things in the past?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

RobQ said:


> We were on a walk last night when she mentioned that she has to "break something to me". That something is an all day girls day of shopping and dinner to celebrate a friends birthday this upcoming Sunday.
> 
> What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it before committing. If she had asked me I am sure I would have said fine as I do recognize the value of her friendships. Am I being oversensitive in that this is bothering me?


I feel like when she said she had 'something to break to' you, it was indicative of how you'd react. Is this the norm? Her statement seemed kind of dramatic for merely telling you she made plans for a day.

If I want to make all-day plans with my friends, I usually check with my BF to see if he's made any plans for us during that time.
I think it's just common courtesy. I don't ask for permission; I ask if he's got plans for us.

I get where you're coming from but I think by your W saying what she did, you might be a little histrionic with this subject only because you value your time with her?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> If she has to "break something to you", she obviously knows you're going to be upset. Have you tried to stop her from doing things in the past?


GET OUTTA MY HEAD I hadn't even read your post prior to my replying.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She gave you a week's notice which is plenty of time for you to plan out your day without her. How would you have liked her to approach the subject with you? 

Do you know how silly it would sound to hear a grown woman say "I'll have to ask my husband first"? Of course, she could have said "I'll need to check our calender before committing" only she didn't need to - did she? Because the two of you didn't have plans. You wanted her to ask for permission - not attractive.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I think you should be happy for your wife and tell her to have a great time. She's a grown woman and its certainly fine to check for scheduling conflicts before planning something but the idea of her having to ask for permission is ridiculous. You're not her daddy.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

karole said:


> Do you expect your wife to ask your permission every time she wants to go somewhere?


Of course not. 

I just thought (and I guess most here think I am wrong) that before scheduling something during a time that has traditionally been our "together" time that she check to see if I had something planned.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> She needs your permission?
> 
> Really?


Again, no, she doesn't need my permission. 

If I were to be invited to a golf outing some Saturday, I would simply verify with her that she was ok with that. We are a couple after all.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> If I want to make all-day plans with my friends, I usually check with my BF to see if he's made any plans for us during that time.
> I think it's just common courtesy. I don't ask for permission; I ask if he's got plans for us.


Exactly - sounds like you agree with me!


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> She gave you a week's notice which is plenty of time for you to plan out your day without her. How would you have liked her to approach the subject with you?


I guess to simply check with to see if I had some plans for us for the day? A simple courtesy??



> Do you know how silly it would sound to hear a grown woman say "I'll have to ask my husband first"? Of course, she could have said "I'll need to check our calender before committing" only she didn't need to - did she? Because the two of you didn't have plans. You wanted her to ask for permission - not attractive.


Again, I don't think I have to give her permission to do anything. I just think as a couple it would have been nice for her to check with me before scheduling something on a weekend day.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> I think you should be happy for your wife and tell her to have a great time. She's a grown woman and its certainly fine to check for scheduling conflicts before planning something but the idea of her having to ask for permission is ridiculous. You're not her daddy.


Again, I don't expect to give her "permission".


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

RobQ said:


> Of course not.
> 
> I just thought (and I guess most here think I am wrong) that before scheduling something during a time that has traditionally been our "together" time that she check to see if I had something planned.


I see where you're coming from. This has always been a designated time that you two spend together, and you look forward to it. For her to schedule something else during that time without letting you know makes you feel...unimportant? Minimized? Something like that?

If it were me, I'd let this one go. I'd say, "Sure babe, go and have a good time." Plan something fun for yourself while she's out and don't sweat it.

But if it happens again, then you do the same thing to her. Make sure that _you _have something scheduled with some of your friends during that time. Don't tell her about it beforehand, just schedule it and let her know you've scheduled it.

If it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander.


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

RobQ said:


> I guess to simply check with to see if I had some plans for us for the day? A simple courtesy??
> 
> 
> 
> Again, I don't think I have to give her permission to do anything. I just think as a couple it would have been nice for her to check with me before scheduling something on a weekend day.


I totally agree with you.

It is simple Courtesy, Good Manners and what makes relationships Work.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

RobQ said:


> I work in a busy profession, generally 10 -12 hours a day during the week. Hence I value my weekend time especially as it allows me to have some quality together time with my wife.
> 
> We were on a walk last night when she mentioned that she has to "break something to me". That something is an all day girls day of shopping and dinner to celebrate a friends birthday this upcoming Sunday.
> 
> What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it before committing. If she had asked me I am sure I would have said fine as I do recognize the value of her friendships. Am I being oversensitive in that this is bothering me?



You know, I had a buddy of mine who always felt like he needed to ask his wife if we wanted to go to a ball game together or seemingly do anything at all. I'd known this guy since we were kids and I said, "why are you asking permission? You're a grown man. You inform or discuss but you don't ask permission. she's not your mother".


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## liannekev09 (Apr 15, 2015)

Hard to say, follow your gut


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married? If you are newlyweds, you need to communicate with your wife what you need such as courtesy in letting you know of upcoming events that she would like to participate in. You need to be respectful and be courteous to each other at any stage in your married life. 

It seems to be a problem with many posters about the so called "permission" given. You are married. You need to be in the same page on the events that you wish to attend and how you spend your time together. If you don't agree as to how your weekends are spent, this will become a problem later on in your marriage.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Instead of getting all upset because your wife didn't ask for your permission to do something, and your wife's comment indicates she thinks you expects her to ask (beg?) permission otherwise you have a hissy fit, try the following.

Ask your wife to sit down with you and *calmly* tell her you are sorry you come off as controlling and, *NOT* but, perhaps the two of you could come to an agreement where you will say (to the friend) that you have to check and see if there are plans for that weekend. Then ask the other partner if there any concrete plans. If not, you will be doing x, y and z. And neither of you gets to make the concrete plans for the couple without consulting each other first.

IanSomebody


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She gave you 6 days notice. Should she have given 2 weeks?? A month?? And despite what you say, it does sound like she needs your permission.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

RobQ-

My husband and I have a similar dynamic in that when a one-sided invitation comes up we bring it to the other person. NOT to get permission (I agree you weren't saying that in your OP), but to inform and be on the same page. Especially when something occurs on a day that is usually set aside for us. 

I couldn't get from your original post whether you expressed your feelings to your wife yet or if this is all internal...

I think this gives you and your wife the opportunity to add definition to your time together and discuss/advocate what each of you would like happen if something like this comes up in the future.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

I get what the OP was saying and feeling here. I think its a common courtesy to discuss weekend plans that entail being apart from your spouse when that is out of the ordinary. I'm sure he doesn't begrudge her time with her friends he would just like to be considered. You know "thoughtfulness" that some women slam men for not doing enough of. 

It is not about control but simply a common courtesy and thoughtfulness of your spouse. I have been married 29 yrs plus and weekends are normally when my wife and I spend a lot of time together. Some couples don't spend time together. Good or bad that is their choice. Hope it works for them. But don't let so called independent women accuse you of controlling behavior for asking for a simple heads up when plans have been made without you. 

Just suggest that next time she at least check in with you before making plans that will result in you not being together when you normally are. 

Next you plan something to do that you have been wanting to do for awhile that you know your wife doesn't enjoy and go have a blast without her. See it can be a win/win. 

Marriage is about communication, compromise and trust.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Your wife was obviously nervous about telling you, that tells me that a precedent has been set. She knew you were going to have a hissy fit about it and she was right. This isn't the first time, that's for sure.


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## CS7 (Apr 1, 2015)

There are very good reasons to check with each other before committing to plans that take one of you out of the loop for half of your weekend. For example, I like to get things done around the house on the weekend, but we have a toddler, so if my wife is gone for all or part of the day, I get very little done because toddlers require constant supervision. Any plans one partner makes will have an impact on the other partner. It's just common courtesy to check with each other before committing to something.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

In my household, if I don't make the plans we have none. My DH has never made a plan for us since we have been married. He just doesn't. 

I get you value your weekend time with your wife but cut her some slack. She told you about it almost a week in advance, it wasn't sprung up on you an hour before the plans.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

what would you and your wife normally do on a Sunday..types of things? why not just tell her how much you value being with her on the weekends, prpose somethng for you and her to do on that day and see if she's willing to skip the all day shopping and just go to the friend's dinner.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

toolforgrowth said:


> I see where you're coming from. This has always been a designated time that you two spend together, and you look forward to it. For her to schedule something else during that time without letting you know makes you feel...unimportant? Minimized? Something like that?
> 
> If it were me, I'd let this one go. I'd say, "Sure babe, go and have a good time." Plan something fun for yourself while she's out and don't sweat it.
> 
> ...


I like this analyses TFG. 

I guess it is somewhat how this issue is framed.

If posters perceive that I am expecting to give "permission" then they take her side.

If posters perceive that I am simply expecting some better communication then they take my side.

Personally if some Saturday I decided to spend the day golfing with my buddies without her "consent" ahead of time; it wouldn't go over too well.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

She did ask for your consent ahead of time.

You're changing the reality.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> How old are the two of you and how long have you been married? If you are newlyweds, you need to communicate with your wife what you need such as courtesy in letting you know of upcoming events that she would like to participate in. You need to be respectful and be courteous to each other at any stage in your married life.
> 
> It seems to be a problem with many posters about the so called "permission" given. You are married. You need to be in the same page on the events that you wish to attend and how you spend your time together. If you don't agree as to how your weekends are spent, this will become a problem later on in your marriage.


Both in our 50s with a 30 year marriage.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

cons said:


> RobQ-
> 
> My husband and I have a similar dynamic in that when a one-sided invitation comes up we bring it to the other person. NOT to get permission (I agree you weren't saying that in your OP), but to inform and be on the same page. Especially when something occurs on a day that is usually set aside for us.
> 
> ...


Yes, it has come up, and I have tried to frame it not as needing "permission" but more as a courtesy issue. In general we have a very good relationship and I really don't think she perceives that I have a need to grant her "permission" for independent activities. But, who knows, maybe she sees it that way. I will ask!


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Sammiee said:


> Your wife was obviously nervous about telling you, that tells me that a precedent has been set. She knew you were going to have a hissy fit about it and she was right. This isn't the first time, that's for sure.


I hope that is not the case - but I will find out.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

RobQ said:


> I guess to simply check with to see if I had some plans for us for the day?


 So let us follow this through. What if you did have plans for that day? She would discuss with you how important the plans with you were, and if it was important, she would just call her friends and tell them that she needed to bow out with them because she forgot that she had other plans. Since there would be nothing wrong with her doing that, your argument is just a red herring, that can be easily addressed if your goal was not to make a big deal out of nothing.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Sammiee said:


> She did ask for your consent ahead of time.
> 
> You're changing the reality.


Actually no.....she was telling me of her already made plans.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rob, this is confusing. Why would she need to check with to see if you had made plans for the two of you? Surely you would have checked with her first, right? Otherwise, it would be hypocritical.


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## Extraordinary Way (Dec 16, 2014)

"What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it before committing"


That would be asking permission. That's unreasonable. She shouldn't have to ask "if you're ok with it" before booking her free time. Shes being upfront with you a week in advance on her plans, even knowing you're going to be pissy about it. 

I know youre trying to frame this as " she should have run this by me to make sure we didn't have plans! Its common courtesy!" But really? You didn't have plans. It sounds like shes well aware you both didn't have anything planned that day. If she was unsure, i doubt she would have booked without following up. If there legitimately was plans, her running her plans past you is the time to say "Saturday? thats when we have XYZ planned. " and negotiate a rebook.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

but what if he had surprise plans? Sure, the jig would be up but everyone's dissecting this ad nauseum. It's basic, common courtesy to check in with your partner when you're going to be gone all day and from the sound of it, into the night.


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## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

I think she just needs some "me" time and that's why she didn't consult with you first. She figured it would be no big deal. Plus, you can do something with your time/buddies, too.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Put VAR in her car, hire a PI, snoop on her phone.....wait she is going out for the day with the girls, relax, take a deep breath and enjoy the time alone.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Just tell her to have a great time. You can enjoy some private time to do what you want when she's gone.

Just make sure to be totally naked when she gets home. If her girls nights out are anything like mine, she's gonna come home happy and in the mood. You'll definitely benefit from letting her have a fun night out.


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Just make sure to be totally naked when she gets home. If her girls nights out are anything like mine, she's gonna come home happy and in the mood. You'll definitely benefit from letting her have a fun night out.


Yeah maybe she'll walk in the door with a few of her girlfriends then the party can really start.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

If I understand your posts, the weekends are routinely your together time and if you had planned a solo event she would be disturbed. *Than she certainly should be asking for your consent before confirming plans*. This is nothing more than parity and consideration. Expecting courtesy is not controlling.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

RobQ,
Do women take notice of you when you enter a room? Do you have a V shaped torso? Would you be open to the idea of trading in your current mode of transportation for a Harley? You need to hit the gym, buy yourself a motorcycle without asking permission, buy a new wardrobe, change your hair and facial hair situation.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I can't even...


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Sammiee said:


> Your wife was obviously nervous about telling you, that tells me that a precedent has been set. She knew you were going to have a hissy fit about it and she was right. This isn't the first time, that's for sure.


This is funny because I see this the exact opposite. The OPs wife was nervous because she knew she had made a commitment without considering her husband and probably knew that it was going to hurt his feelings a little. He has a right to feel the way he feels. Men do have feelings too. 

She felt uncomfortable and a little guilty having to tell him something that she did that she knew was not quite right. Not because he would be pissed or has a controlling past. Talking about projecting here. 

This whole incident is not a deal breaker, marriage wrecker or red flag. Its just a opportunity to work on communication and consideration with the most important person in your life. Well in my book my spouse is the most important person so that may color my opinion. 

We all get a little complacent sometimes. Especially in LTR of 30 years or more.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

RobQ said:


> What has upset me about this is not so much that she is going, but that *she didn't bother to ask me if I would be ok with it *before committing. *If she had asked me I am sure I would have said fine *as I do recognize the value of her friendships. Am I being oversensitive in that this is bothering me?


That sounds a lot like an expectation that she ask permission to me.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Interesting that we are all still arguing our own perspectives...yet Rob has already clarified that it wasn't permission he was wanting to grant, but rather just to be taken into consideration in the plans.
Just because his needs differ from ours does not make them wrong...now he has the opportunity to respectfully advocate for himself, so he and his wife are on the same page in the future.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> RobQ,
> Do women take notice of you when you enter a room? Do you have a V shaped torso? Would you be open to the idea of trading in your current mode of transportation for a Harley? You need to hit the gym, buy yourself a motorcycle without asking permission, buy a new wardrobe, change your hair and facial hair situation.


Hmm... I bet this would start a conversation. 

PS: A Little Thread jack but I got all this covered and my wife already told me to go buy the Harley.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

cons said:


> Interesting that we are all still arguing our own perspectives...yet Rob has already clarified that it wasn't permission he was wanting to grant, but rather just to be taken into consideration in the plans.
> Just because his needs differ from ours does not make them wrong...now he has the opportunity to respectfully advocate for himself, so he and his wife are on the same page in the future.


His "clarification" was not what he said in the OP (see bolding in my post) but only after he got the keyboard smackdown.

I suspect that his true intent was evident in his original statement. 

Now he's back peddling. Not buying the cyber shuffle.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I totally get the OP on this. In my household, it would go down like this for either party.... Hey spouse, in a coupla weeks/days/whatever the gang is getting together on Saturday, pretty much all day. I am going, unless there is something that you think prevents this, then we can discuss.

Not asking permission, but informing the other spouse prior to already being committed. Common courtesy.

The OP's W acted the way she did, not because she would not get 'permission', but she knew that she was being discourteous to the OP.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> I totally get the OP on this. In my household, it would go down like this for either party.... Hey spouse, in a coupla weeks/days/whatever the gang is getting together on Saturday, pretty much all day. I am going, unless there is something that you think prevents this, then we can discuss.
> 
> Not asking permission, but informing the other spouse prior to already being committed. Common courtesy.
> 
> The OP's W acted the way she did, not because she would not get 'permission', but she knew that she was being discourteous to the OP.


:iagree:


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> I totally get the OP on this. In my household, it would go down like this for either party.... Hey spouse, in a coupla weeks/days/whatever the gang is getting together on Saturday, pretty much all day. I am going, unless there is something that you think prevents this, then we can discuss.
> 
> Not asking permission, but informing the other spouse prior to already being committed. Common courtesy.
> 
> The OP's W acted the way she did, not because she would not get 'permission', but she knew that she was being discourteous to the OP.


She did inform him, a week in advance.

Not his words....he said "she didn't bother to *ask me if I would be ok with it*" and "If she had asked me *I am sure I would have said fine*".... 

I suspect the wife acted the way she did because she knew what his reaction would be.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

I appreciate all of the comments and advice. 

So I asked my wife about this concerned that perhaps she felt I was demanding my "permission" for any independent activities. She felt that no she didn't think that but did worry that I would disappointed in leaving me alone on a weekend in favor of a girls day/nigh out which is why she broke the "news" to me in the way she did. 

I apologized to her for not being more supportive and in fact have prepaid for 3 manicures for the three girls on their day out as a token of my improved attitude about it. 

I will figure out something to do that day as well rather than stay home and pout!

Well let everybody know how it all works out.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

RobQ said:


> I appreciate all of the comments and advice.
> 
> So I asked my wife about this concerned that perhaps she felt I was demanding my "permission" for any independent activities. She felt that no she didn't think that but did worry that I would disappointed in leaving me alone on a weekend in favor of a girls day/nigh out which is why she broke the "news" to me in the way she did.
> 
> ...


That was very nice of you to do that for them. 

If this happens all the time and she knows it upsets you, she's wrong. But it it doesn't and this was the first time.....you're wrong.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Some married people actually like to spend time together and actually do routinely spend all of their free time together. And when one of them wants to break this pattern they are right to handle it in a way that is sensitive to the feelings of their spouse. And it's not abnormal that you would be dissapointed in not being able to spend time with your own wife. I think it represents good communication they way you described it. And once you think about the big picture and think it all through you came on board. All marriages should work this way.

On the flip side, it's not a good idea to work 10-12 hours per day. A marrital connection requires togetherness.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I will figure out something to do that day as well rather than stay home and pout!".

There ya go! Do this regularly and she might miss you enough to put down that crime novel at night. It wouldn't hurt to make her chase you for a change.

You could have saved a lot of posts if you had stated in the beginning that you didn't like being left to entertain yourself rather than using the smokescreen that she was inconsiderate to not have included you in her decision making.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP, you're a class act. That was a beautiful gesture.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> She did inform him, a week in advance.
> 
> Not his words....he said "she didn't bother to *ask me if I would be ok with it*" and "If she had asked me *I am sure I would have said fine*"....
> 
> I suspect the wife acted the way she did because she knew what his reaction would be.


the problem is that she already committed to go. So it isn't courtesy anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RobQ said:


> Of course not.
> 
> I just thought (and I guess most here think I am wrong) that before scheduling something during a time that has traditionally been our "together" time that she check to see if I had something planned.


The problem with this is that because of YOUR choice to work 12-hour days, YOUR only time with her is the complete weekend. Therefore, because of YOUR choice, she is basically expected to not be able to see her family/friends on weekends. Unless you first sat down and agreed before starting this work that she would never be able to see anyone else but you on weekends, you're being unrealistic.

And I haven't finished reading yet, but so far you haven't answered several people's question: why is she 'afraid' to tell you? What is your typical reaction to her being an individual and doing her own thing?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> the problem is that she already committed to go. So it isn't courtesy anymore.


So you are saying she can't commit to something on her own?

:scratchhead:

This is a moot point anyway.

He cleared it up with her and provided a nice service for her and her friends.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RobQ said:


> If posters perceive that I am expecting to give "permission" then they take her side.
> 
> If posters perceive that I am simply expecting some better communication then they take my side.


First, this is a marriage - there should BE no 'side.' That speaks a lot about your marriage.

Second, the REASON people are 'taking her side' is because of the information you GAVE us - that she prefaced the statement with nervousness/trepidation. And that has nothing to do with courtesy and communication and everything to do with her _assumption_ that you will give her hell for it, it one way or another. And assumptions are only made when there has been a precedent to CREATE the assumption, that what happened before will happen again.

I'm not trying to dis you. I'm trying to show you how to get both of you in the middle instead of taking sides. Ask her why she was afraid to tell you. And then listen. And then ask yourself if her reasoning was valid. She'll love you for it.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

RobQ said:


> I appreciate all of the comments and advice.
> 
> *So I asked my wife about this concerned that perhaps she felt I was demanding my "permission" for any independent activities. She felt that no she didn't think that but did worry that I would disappointed in leaving me alone on a weekend in favor of a girls day/nigh out which is why she broke the "news" to me in the way she did.*
> 
> ...


Looks like this was the reason the OP's wife had trepidation.

Rob- looks like you and your wife communicate well overall... We all have our moments where we may perceive things incorrectly or it's just a moment of insecurity, whatever it may be... Thank you for sharing this and how both you and your wife came to a mutual understanding that you both are comfortable with.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RobQ said:


> he felt that no she didn't think that but did worry that I would disappointed in leaving me alone on a weekend in favor of a girls day/nigh out which is why she broke the "news" to me in the way she did.


What typically happens when you are 'disappointed?'

btw, nice act of paying for the manicure. But I gotta ask: would you have done that if you hadn't come here and gotten the reaction you did?


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> OP, you're a class act. That was a beautiful gesture.


Thank you Lucy.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

turnera said:


> The problem with this is that because of YOUR choice to work 12-hour days, YOUR only time with her is the complete weekend. Therefore, because of YOUR choice, she is basically expected to not be able to see her family/friends on weekends. Unless you first sat down and agreed before starting this work that she would never be able to see anyone else but you on weekends, you're being unrealistic.
> 
> And I haven't finished reading yet, but so far you haven't answered several people's question: why is she 'afraid' to tell you? What is your typical reaction to her being an individual and doing her own thing?


Point well taken about my work schedule - can't always be helped in my field. But the flip side of that is that I have no work travel and my wife as a retired stay-at-home mom is free during the week to take care of the business side of our home as well as have ample free time for herself to "do her own thing" as you put it. 

Why was she "afraid" to tell me about these plans? Well, I don't think she has to ask for my permission either. I asked her however if that was her perception for this event or previously. She said no, she doesn't feel that way, but just didn't want to disappoint me.

I think we have come to resolution on this minor issue. I do really appreciate the ongoing discussion - very insightful.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

turnera said:


> What typically happens when you are 'disappointed?'
> 
> btw, nice act of paying for the manicure. But I gotta ask: would you have done that if you hadn't come here and gotten the reaction you did?


Good question. Perhaps not and so I thank my new friends here for helping to point me in the right direction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what typically happens when you're 'disappointed?' Are voices raised? Are people judged or put down? Are old 'choices' or actions brought up? I'm just still not understanding why she had to preface it the way she did, unless she was afraid of a reaction. I'm not trying to make you look bad; I just want you to ask yourself if there's truth in what we were picking up on, so you can see if that needs to be addressed.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

turnera said:


> So what typically happens when you're 'disappointed?' Are voices raised? Are people judged or put down? Are old 'choices' or actions brought up? I'm just still not understanding why she had to preface it the way she did, unless she was afraid of a reaction. I'm not trying to make you look bad; I just want you to ask yourself if there's truth in what we were picking up on, so you can see if that needs to be addressed.


I can't remember I time when we had an argument with yelling or screaming. I will admit to being overly sensitive and bit passive aggressive and my default reaction to a martial conflict is quietness and withdrawal. It could be she was afraid of this reaction but is too nice to tell me that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course that's it. And that's what I figured. 

Trust me. Women fear passive aggressiveness more than anger and yelling. Why? Because we can WALK OUT if you're yelling at us. 

But the passive aggressiveness and silent treatment and the withdrawal are impossible to deal with. And they are CUMULATIVE. They create a pattern that women learn to tiptoe around, that causes women to stop speaking up, causes them to stop wanting/expecting/asking for things for themselves because they'd rather avoid the PA/silent treatment/withdrawal at all costs because there's nothing they can do about it.

Only YOU can choose to stop those destructive behaviors, to be a better person and partner.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> Of course that's it. And that's what I figured.
> 
> Trust me. Women fear passive aggressiveness more than anger and yelling. Why? Because we can WALK OUT if you're yelling at us.
> 
> ...


no regular aggression (the outwardly aggressive kind), no passive aggression. just what kind of aggression is acceptable?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

None. There is no need for aggression. There is, however, plenty of room for honest communication, even if it's about you feeling hurt, lonely, unlistened to, dismissed, or whatever else it is he may be feeling. 

It's the communication that is key. But it must be healthy communication and safe communication. For both of them. 

And that happens with boundaries and consequences, which unfortunately does not come naturally to most of us. We need to learn it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> If she has to "break something to you", she obviously knows you're going to be upset. Have you tried to stop her from doing things in the past?


Yes, it sounds like she has to walk on eggshells around you. That's no way to live. Do you have a temper? Do you pout a lot? Give her the silent treatment?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RobQ,

You say that the two of you usually spend the entire weekend together. What do you normally do on these weekends?

What would the two of you have done had she not gone out with friends?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> So you are saying she can't commit to something on her own?
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


My gawd, I am betting if your H decided he was going fishing for a week with buddies, but didn't tell you until he is packing to leave, you would be fine with it? How about kids, etc? You need to communicate in a M to make it work, and doing so prior to making such plans is much preferred to how she did it.

So if he had a legitimate reason for her not to go, he is immediately the controlling husband. It is just common courtesy to say Sally asked me to spend the day with her next weekend, you good with that? For him to not be good with that would be extreme circumstance, like we already have tickets to the theatre or something. 

I agree its moot, but I still the OP W was inconsiderate.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Alot of people projecting deep problems on a situation that was handled properly in virtually all respects. Strange.

His wife treated him with respect and sensitivity to the feelings he DID have. We should all be so lucky.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with Hicks. This was a moment where the OP felt bad with how things went down and wanted a "gut check" with regard to his feelings. 
He got great advice, was able to respectfully frame it to his wife, and made amends for any reaction he had with offering to pay for part of the ladies act. 

Sometimes this forum can get a little too intense...searching for a "smoking gun".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'll agree. 

BUT...

It also uncovered a problem with how he dealt with his wife that is probably having a memorable effect on their relationship. And now that he's aware of it, he's hopefully making changes in that regard and their relationship will become even better.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Well, the girls day out day has come and gone and I thought I would let everyone know how things went since so many were kind enough to chip in with some thoughts on the matter.

I was most intrigued my those who felt I would be rewarded with great "post girls night out" sex. I kind of laughed at that because that would not fit my wifes normal mojo. We did have sex on Friday night (kind of a quickie thing) and I thought that would be my weekly reward. We had a nice day on Saturday including a fairly late dinner and movie. That night, as is our normal pattern, my wife went to bed and I followed about an hour later. Much to my surprise (and delight) she was still awake and enticed me into a very rewarding lovemaking session. 

On Sunday she left with her gal pals about 11 ish and returned about 7. I spent the day puttering around the house, a little tv, some man shopping, and (why not) some time at the office.

When she got home, she rehashed the events of the day and we had a light supper and are now back to our normal state of affairs, which in general is good.

All's well that end's well


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