# Is "Love" Enough?



## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

Yesterday was my birthday.

From my beloved husband of 16 years, I got: 1) a "happy birthday" peck on the cheek at 7:30am, 2) a text at 3pm saying "I am having a ****ty day but thinking about you", and 3) a card and a potted tulip from the grocery store floral shop when he got home around 9pm. (these were delivered to me by our kids, after he walked in the door and screamed at them to "get downstairs and sign mom's card").

I'm not one of those women that needs a sonnet and symphony at every turn, but am I wrong for wanting a little bit of effort? I told him I was sad and hurt. He felt bad, but nothing will change. 

I love my husband, and I know he loves me. But he has a hard time showing me any type of real emotional connection - no passion or romance. Usually, I'm ok with this, as I know its who he is, but dang, sometimes it really hurts. 

As I posted elsewhere, I am not alone but I am really lonely. He has a very high pressure job and comes home completely spent. I do all I can to be supportive and self-sufficient so he doesn't need to worry about the homefront. I try to tell him proactively what I need, but our daily communication is frankly pathetic. It's basically an information dump -- "how was your day, how are the kids, do you need me to pick up milk, etc". 

No matter how often or how hard I try, he cannot seem to give me the type of communication and emotional connection I crave. At work, he is the uber-alpha male - master of all he surveys. At home, he is unengaged, uninspired and unresponsive. 

So, is love enough? Is it enough to know you love him and he loves you, or is it just a matter of time before "going through the motions" becomes "going in different directions"?


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## jdrop01 (Apr 16, 2012)

I say try talking to him about it without either of you getting mad. I wish my wife would have talked to me about a year ago so I am not going through my situation of her not wanting to be married due to reasons that could have easily been fixed. We talk now very open and honest and it helps a ton. So, I would try talking when he is not in a mood or tired because it most likely will make him upset and all you will get is answers when he is mad. Since he has such a busy schedule it may be hard to find a time to bring it up but somehow it has to.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why are his work hours so heavy?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

At least he felt bad..and at least you got something.

I'm married to a great guy who just plain doesn't listen. Granted he'll send me flowers on special occasions and since he knows I like purple..it's purple flowers whether they're from WalMart or from the florist. Purple...purple..PURPLE!!!

I couldn't love him more for trying as he knows purple is my favorite color.

He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Thing is...when we're out and about shopping...tune in!! Say to yourself, "Gee..she really likes that..I think I'll buy it for her.."

Nadda.

Christmas..Mother's Day..Birthdays...it's all the same..

"What would you like??"

I hate asking for anything, as I'd rather he just tune in..but that's not going to happen so I finally gave in this year and made him a list (as he told me to send it by email...ugh..and seriously???)

Obviously he either didn't read it..or lost it as he gets (as most of us do) 200 or more emails a day.

He told me that he's horrible at shopping for me. Yeah. Sure.

We shop together all the time and he can't tune in??

I'm not even going to tell you what he got me for Christmas or my birthday because it's just plain....ugh....I'm just going to be happy that he remembered and love him in the process!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LadyStardust said:


> he cannot seem to give me the type of communication and emotional connection I crave.


Oh he CAN he is just choosing not to. And why should he? I feel like I've said this a million times but here it goes again his life is working just fine for him so why change?

The only way to fix is to change the dynamic you've allowed to go on for so long. It's not a quick fix but it can be done. That alpha male of yours knows how to woo a woman trust me. I thought my beta male wasn't capable of it either but once I changed my tune I'm SHOCKED at how 'emotionally' connected he's able to be. 

To answer your question is love enough? 

No.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I am currently in a similar situation of emotional disconnect...communication takes extra effort on both parts to get to the deeper emotional level and when one partner is experiencing negative emotions that makes connecting more difficult... We can turn towards the person and face it and fix it or away and let the distance get bigger, often the later happens as a matter of reaction and by the time you realize something isup...you are in deep. I think love is enough to rebuild from, without that what is the point. If you still love your husband talk to him see what he is thinking and feeling, be prepared to hear and listen and absorb, but don't react, think on it for a bit. That is where we are, only problem is one of us didn't really think through what we said before speaking luckily, I have been thinking before reacting...your post kinda hit home because my husband basically said he didn't feel like connecting emotionally or physically right now his priorities are elsewhere on improving himself, but he loves me and has no plan to leave. Normally I wouldve flipped, but I absorbed and thought....so talk to your husband about how you are feeling. Reopen the lines of communication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Oh he CAN he is just choosing not to. And why should he? I feel like I've said this a million times but here it goes again his life is working just fine for him so why change?
> 
> The only way to fix is to change the dynamic you've allowed to go on for so long. It's not a quick fix but it can be done. That alpha male of yours knows how to woo a woman trust me. I thought my beta male wasn't capable of it either but once I changed my tune I'm SHOCKED at how 'emotionally' connected he's able to be.
> 
> ...


What did you do to affect the change in your dh?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

No because over time you won't be able to stay in love with someone who takes you for granted. 

My recent ex didn't buy me anything for my birthday. Untill after my birthday then it felt forced, because I'd cried etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

LadyStardust said:


> I love my husband, and I know he loves me. But he has a hard time showing me any type of real emotional connection - no passion or romance. Usually, I'm ok with this, as I know its who he is, but dang, sometimes it really hurts.


How is your sex life? A lot of men need sex to feel connected emotionally. 



> As I posted elsewhere, I am not alone but I am really lonely. *He has a very high pressure job and comes home completely spent.* I do all I can to be supportive and self-sufficient so he doesn't need to worry about the homefront. I try to tell him proactively what I need, but our daily communication is frankly pathetic. It's basically an information dump -- "how was your day, how are the kids, do you need me to pick up milk, etc".
> 
> No matter how often or how hard I try, he cannot seem to give me the type of communication and emotional connection I crave. *At work, he is the uber-alpha male - master of all he surveys. * At home, he is unengaged, uninspired and unresponsive.


Sounds like he has a lot of stress and pressure at his job. If he is the 'master of all he surveys', then he has a lot of responsibility. The concentration and adrenaline needed to succeed are draining him of energy at home. He's crashing after running on high all day.

Maybe, for the sake of you, your family, and his health, it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to consider his exit strategy from that job. Success and money aren't worth it if he can't enjoy the family he has been working so hard for. The money isn't worth the toll it is taking on your family. Maybe you should talk with him about that, and let him know it's ok with you if he takes on less stressful work and that you would encourage it.



> So, is love enough? Is it enough to know you love him and he loves you, or is it just a matter of time before "going through the motions" becomes "going in different directions"?


Love is enough to do the hard work it takes to change things for the better. 

Leaving things as is, or going in different directions, are not the only options here. You can choose to change things.

Talk with him about it, openly and honestly.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Remember you are seeing the forest for the trees. Meaning what is going on today will be completely different tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

All you need is love!


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## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

jdrop01 said:


> I say try talking to him about it without either of you getting mad. I wish my wife would have talked to me about a year ago so I am not going through my situation of her not wanting to be married due to reasons that could have easily been fixed. We talk now very open and honest and it helps a ton. So, I would try talking when he is not in a mood or tired because it most likely will make him upset and all you will get is answers when he is mad. Since he has such a busy schedule it may be hard to find a time to bring it up but somehow it has to.


Thanks Jdrop -- We have had many many discussions over the years, some in anger, but many out of anger as well. He knows the problem -- he spends all his energy away from the family and doesnt have anything left for me. I understand the problem -- he works so hard as part of an expression of his love. I dont want him to work so hard - he is driven by something inside (which I love him for), but his need to provide supercedes my need for connection. 

Our entire married life has been "just wait until we make it baby", then things will change. In my opinion, we "made it", long ago. Hence my thinking that things will never change, and I just have to accept it.


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## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Oh he CAN he is just choosing not to. And why should he? I feel like I've said this a million times but here it goes again his life is working just fine for him so why change?
> 
> The only way to fix is to change the dynamic you've allowed to go on for so long. It's not a quick fix but it can be done. That alpha male of yours knows how to woo a woman trust me. I thought my beta male wasn't capable of it either but once I changed my tune I'm SHOCKED at how 'emotionally' connected he's able to be.
> 
> ...


So how to change a dynamic that is not only 16 years in the making but probably hardwired from childhood. It's like a never ending roller coaster -- all is well as long as I am the compliant, supportive spouse. But the minute that I express a need - (and I have learned to reduce my marital needs to a minimum) - I have to fight for every inch. Its exhausting!


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## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

If you still love your husband talk to him see what he is thinking and feeling, be prepared to hear and listen and absorb, but don't react, think on it for a bit. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Exactly my point -- I am the analyzer, he is the fix it and move on guy. I try to talk about the problem. He acknowledges problem, says it will get better, I accept his acknowledgement and trust that it will change, and it never, ever does!


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## LadyStardust (Apr 25, 2012)

norajane said:


> The concentration and adrenaline needed to succeed are draining him of energy at home. He's crashing after running on high all day.


You nailed it. I think this is a lot of guys out there. Mine likes to use the "eat what we kill" analogy. He is driven by a chip on his shoulder that absolutely attracted me to begin with. I'm a driven individual myself -- one that never thought she would be married with kids and a SAHM to boot. But I have no regrets and truly feel blessed to have the life we have built together. I would love nothing better than to downsize, minimize, or whatever -ize to get him to realize that life is passing him by and his wife and his kids are praying daily that he doesnt die of a heart attack because of the pace he's keeping. 

Most days I am happy. He is busy at work, and I have built a life with friends, civic duties, etc. For the most part though, our worlds dont connect unless we ask "How was your day dear?". I want to know about his, because I am desperate to get some type of connection to him. His questions to me I feel are perfunctory. He is there but not there. He's at work, trying to find the next kill.


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

I read your other post in hh thread and I felt we were exactly the same. My husband works 6 days a week he is gone 12 1/2 hours per day. When he gets home he is drained and usually only awake for dinner and some time on his smart phone....but once we are in bed he will stay awake for a chance to well......

He is extremely withdrawn and has not much to say at all and nothing to say with any feelings or emotions. He was always this way but not as bad as it has been lately and to make things worse we have two special needs children one of them needing more than the other and we moved away from all friends and family so I have no support physically or emotionally 

And he refuses almost to give a gift tor anniversaries ...2 years ago...nothing not even a card...this year flowers no card when I said "I want a card this year" he thinks he got me a mattress but it was him who slept on a bad mattress one weekend and I forced him since he was complaining to check out the sales....he found one and that was my anniversary present...its like that every year!!!! Oh and we just went out on our first date in almost two years why???? Not because he asked...but because my counselor told me to get a nanny because I need time off and he happened to not have to work that Saturday! !!


I feel like you a home full of people but really really alone and sure we are closer when we are well....but its hard to desire fullfilling his needs whenever my emotional needs are not being met. We have started mc....I do more ic due to the vulnerable state I'm in dealing with the newer baby and his problems but I have seen improvement...like you said it took 16 Years to get where you are. Mc can help and it will show how serious your needs are and every marriage can be saved if both are willing. Hang in there and know you are not alone and it will not fix itself overnight.

Sorry for writing so much btw...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Why don't you just tell us and perhaps your husband what you expect for your Birthday?

Frankly, seems like the exact thing that attracted you (and still does) to your husband is the thing that you are complaining about 

He's a hard worker, driven, and finds hard work a way of expressing his love. You said you absolutely love that about him. Well then why are you complaining?!



> he cannot seem to give me the type of communication and emotional connection I crave.


I find that a bit troubling to read. 16 years ago he satisfied your cravings enough to get you to say "I DO". Assuming he hasn't turned into a heartless monster and hasn't done much wrong (abuse, cheating, etc), why do you find it "fair" to demand this after so long? Have you grown a bit "bored" of your life perhaps? Usually unsatisfied emotional cravings stem from 2 things: 1)hardship 2)boredom 

Which one is your trigger?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Why don't you just tell us and perhaps your husband what you expect for your Birthday?
> 
> Frankly, seems like the exact thing that attracted you (and still does) to your husband is the thing that you are complaining about
> 
> ...


I think this is very unfair.

Usually people do put a lot of effort in when they first meet someone, taking the time to communicate and put effort into gifts etc.

Also when people marry they are often young, naive and in lust. Sometimes weover look things we shouldn't.

That doesn't mean her needs and expectations can't grow and change, and if someone really values you, they will be willing to put the effort in.

I wonder if his wife passed away tomorrow if he will wish he spent more time at work? Or if he will be sorry for taking her for granted.
Probably the latter.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

HELL NO!!! :nono:


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

LadyStardust said:


> So, is love enough?


Different people mean different things when they say "love". Different people need different things in order to sustain a relationship. The thing you're describing doesn't sound like love to me and it would not be enough for me to sustain a relationship.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Love Song said:


> HELL NO!!! :nono:


I disagree. When a baby is born, the love for that child is enough to do almost anything for that child. Nothing is expected in return.

We come to marriage with a different (double) standard and in some cases expect so much more to make us happy (love). The thing is we can only change ourselves.

I believe all you need is love. The Beatles also shared another profound truth. "In the end the love you give is equal to the love you get."


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

LadyStardust said:


> You nailed it. I think this is a lot of guys out there. Mine likes to use the "eat what we kill" analogy. He is driven by a chip on his shoulder that absolutely attracted me to begin with. I'm a driven individual myself -- one that never thought she would be married with kids and a SAHM to boot. But I have no regrets and truly feel blessed to have the life we have built together. I would love nothing better than to downsize, minimize, or whatever -ize to get him to realize that life is passing him by and his wife and his kids are praying daily that he doesnt die of a heart attack because of the pace he's keeping.
> 
> Most days I am happy. He is busy at work, and I have built a life with friends, civic duties, etc. For the most part though, our worlds dont connect unless we ask "How was your day dear?". I want to know about his, because I am desperate to get some type of connection to him. His questions to me I feel are perfunctory. He is there but not there. He's at work, trying to find the next kill.


Ok, then. You know the scope of your problem. Now you need to get in his face and make him understand that your family is in trouble and you two need to fix it before it's too late.

Lock him in a room if you have to, but talk with him and let him know how serious this is. Something's gotta give. Tell him you want to start marriage counseling. Both of you need to start fighting for your marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You were connected at one time right? That's presumably why you got married. The diagnosis of this is pretty easy the treatment is pretty hard. You are both in a comfort zone with the relationship, although him more so hence your presence here. You have stopped "dating" each other. Your H is tired at the end of the day but that's no excuse for neglecting your spouse, the flip side is he didn't get there alone. I would bet that you have at least a couple of years now of setting up little fitness test like your birthday that when he fails you get your feelings hurt a little and over time that is leading you to withdraw a little more every time. The tragic part is that he doesn't even notice because he has his focus on work that fills the void created by your withdrawing without him even thinking about it. It's a vicious circle, he focuses on work, you withdraw, he focuses a little more, you withdraw a little more. I've been in this circle, the end is disaster. 

So the question is how to get both of you out of that comfort zone. For my wife and I it took my having an EA, which like it or not is something you are both currently susceptible to as neither of you are getting all of your emotional needs met. I can't tell you how to bust you both out of those comfort zones, what I can tell you is that you have to do it. Something will eventually, hopefully it's not something as traumatic as an affair. Take a long vacation just the two of you, let him read some post here, have an intervention, take up a new sexual twist, I don't care what you do but you have got to get out of those comfort zones. They are cancer eating your marriage. 

Your H is putting his energy and focus where he feels it's needed. He doesn't feel that the marriage needs it because he's comfortable and he thinks you are to. Time to lay it all out there on the table.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

LadyStardust said:


> If you still love your husband talk to him see what he is thinking and feeling, be prepared to hear and listen and absorb, but don't react, think on it for a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly my point -- I am the analyzer, he is the fix it and move on guy. I try to talk about the problem. He acknowledges problem, says it will get better, I accept his acknowledgement and trust that it will change, and it never, ever does![/QUOTE]

There seems to be a breakdown in communication somewhere though. Your communicating a problem and your husband's solution is "OK, I agree it's a problem," but nothing changes?

Isn't this like him beating you and you say "I don't like that" and he says "I agree," and continues to beat you? Where is the actual attempt to heed your words here?

Sigma has just given some very observant advice. The question for you is what is the best thing. Depending on your husband's personality and his own emotional capabilities, it might be raising an alarm and saying "this marriage is on thin ice, this is serious." 

But that can often backfire because it comes from left feel to the H and feels like an unreasonable, needy attack. So if that's not in his personality, I'd work really hard on your end to lovingly and non-judgmentally express these big issues over and over, a little at a time. Instead of trying to put the whole house back together again, see if you can line up a few beams first. 

I'm curious...what has changed do you think between now and when you first were attracted to each other? Did you try and seduce him? Was he spontaneous? Etc.


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