# Marriage Counselling



## Beckychester

Hello, 
It’s my first time posting here I’m really nervous about putting it out there. 
Me and husband have been married for two years. Been together 10 years and have two children together. 
He recently told me he feels like he doesn’t love me anymore, he says he wants to try and get the spark back but he is not sure we can work. We have had a hard relationship and have been bickering for years. He said he’s sick of the arguing. We have stopped arguing and I’ve stopped nagging I’ve little things. 
We start marriage counselling on Friday. Has anyone got any advice or stories where there marriage has been like this and it has got better?


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## Laurentium

Yes, it can get better. You both have to be willing to change. Don't try to "win" the counselling sessions. I hope you have a good counsellor.


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## BeyondRepair007

My marriage wasn’t as far down the ‘problem’ road like you described. I saw the problems coming and got in front of it sooner. But I know that we both had to make a conscious and honest decision to _want_ to figure things out and be willing to put in any effort to accomplish it. For my part, I had to throw everything else aside and make her and our marriage the top priority. Any less effort on my part would have been dishonest and probably failed.

We went to counseling and it paid off wonderfully for us. I hope the same for you.

I have to ask. Married for 2 years but a “hard relationship” and bickering for “years”? Why get married?

2 years is a really short time to think of ending a marriage especially after 8 years of being together. Was there some sort of disillusionment of married life that caused this?

I hope the best for you.


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## Marc878

When you get the I don’t love you anymore there could be someone else.
Go online and check your phone bill. At least rule out if there is someone else in the mix.


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## Beckychester

Marc878 said:


> When you get the love you anymore there could be someone else.
> Go online and check your phone bill. At least rule out if there is someone else in the mix.


He isn’t seeing anyone else he just says the spark isn’t there anymore he says he cares about me and still finds me attractive but the spark that was once there isn’t there anymore. That was my first thought.


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## Marc878

Beckychester said:


> He isn’t seeing anyone else he just says the spark isn’t there anymore he says he cares about me and still finds me attractive but the spark that was once there isn’t there anymore. That was my first thought.


Did you check your phone bill? Or just relying on his word?


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## Marc878

Beckychester said:


> He isn’t seeing anyone else he just says the spark isn’t there anymore he says he cares about me and still finds me attractive but the spark that was once there isn’t there anymore. That was my first thought.


The reason I ask is because I’ve been here 7 years and it’s not uncommon for another person to be in the mix and the spouse not wanting to believe the obvious. People do lie. 
Unless you’ve checked you really don’t know.


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## Beckychester

Marc878 said:


> The reason I ask is because I’ve been here 7 years and it’s not uncommon for another person to be in the mix and the spouse not wanting to believe the obvious. People do lie.
> Unless you’ve checked you really don’t know.


I’ve checked his phone 😊


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## Marc878

Beckychester said:


> I’ve checked his phone 😊


Normally they delete messages. Go online and review the data. At least rule that out.


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## Beckychester

Marc878 said:


> Normally they delete messages. Go online and review the data. At least rule that out.


Unfortunately he uses social media for messages so I would be unable to see that on a phone bill


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## Beckychester

BeyondRepair007 said:


> My marriage wasn’t as far down the ‘problem’ road like you described. I saw the problems coming and got in front of it sooner. But I know that we both had to make a conscious and honest decision to _want_ to figure things out and be willing to put in any effort to accomplish it. For my part, I had to throw everything else aside and make her and our marriage the top priority. Any less effort on my part would have been dishonest and probably failed.
> 
> We went to counseling and it paid off wonderfully for us. I hope the same for you.
> 
> I have to ask. Married for 2 years but a “hard relationship” and bickering for “years”? Why get married?
> 
> 2 years is a really short time to think of ending a marriage especially after 8 years of being together. Was there some sort of disillusionment of married life that caused this?
> 
> I hope the best for you.


I asked the same question to my husband and he said he loved me and wanted me to be his wife and I was the same which is why we got married. With COVID we haven’t really had the typical ‘honeymoon period’ which hasn’t helped I guess. 
I think 10 years is a long time to throw it all away, he has said the same but doesn’t think that we can change but is willing to try.


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## Laurentium

Beckychester said:


> he just says the spark isn’t there anymore he says he cares about me and still finds me attractive but the spark that was once there isn’t there anymore.


all you can do is stop the arguing and nagging (both of you) and see if the "spark" comes back or not.


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## Talker67

it is easy to argue, or make little snide remarks, all day long. they do not seem like much, or might even seem playful, but the sum total of all those remarks is the person starts feeling unloved.

so as hard as it is to break the habit, do not say ANYTHING to him unless it is something positive. Just be as nice as pie. If you have to, count to ten every time you talk to him....to let the bad comments disipate before you open your mouth.

and in addition to that, try some compliments. Like "i see you are wearing that sweater that makes you looks sexy today. i like that one"....

it is easy to fix, just STOP the bad juju


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## Talker67

as far as "getting the spark back"....sex heals all wounds!
How about buying some hot new lingerie and modeling it for him tonight?

there IS such a thing as "the seven year itch". they even made a major motion picture with that title. At about seven years into a marriage, for whatever reason, people start questioning why they got married, if there is a better partner out there. You just have to soldier thru all those negative thoughts and things will eventually heal.


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## BeyondRepair007

I don't trust the whole "losing the spark" language without some reason behind it. My xWW "lost the spark" but seemed to locate said missing spark with her boyfriend. So I guess it's more accurate to say she moved the spark.

Love in a LTR is a choice, and is not always easy/fun/thrilling/"sparky". Both of you have to make that choice and it's not always easy. But if that choice gets hard to make, there should be some consistent identifiable problem behind it. Counseling can help identify that.

But if there's not some problem behind this then it sounds like hubby misses the thrills of dating or seven year itch Talker mentioned. Unfortunately, this scenario also lends credibility to Marc's words (check the phone bill).

I'm hopeful that counseling clears things up for you OP in the best way for your relationship and kids.


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## Talker67

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I don't trust the whole "losing the spark" language without some reason behind it. My xWW "lost the spark" but seemed to locate said missing spark with her boyfriend. So I guess it's more accurate to say she moved the spark.


that IS the obvious danger.
If the spark is gone, it is very easy for the spark to reignite with a coworker, the neighbor next door....
it is a simple chemical reaction in the body that produces sex hormones. 
if you feel that spark is waning, try to figure out how to re-ignite it WITHIN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE. 
otherwise you are leaving firestarting tinder all over the floor, and hoping it will not catch ablaze.


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## Marc878

Talker67 said:


> that IS the obvious danger.
> If the spark is gone, it is very easy for the spark to reignite with a coworker, the neighbor next door....
> it is a simple chemical reaction in the body that produces sex hormones.
> if you feel that spark is waning, try to figure out how to re-ignite it WITHIN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE.
> otherwise you are leaving firestarting tinder all over the floor, and hoping it will not catch ablaze.


Or already has.


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## Talker67

Beckychester said:


> Has anyone got any advice or stories where there marriage has been like this and it has got better?


on this one point, YES! We greatly improved our marriage.
wife was in her late fifties, and somehow got the notion that she was no longer sexy, or desireable. So every time i touched her, she thought i was "abusing" her somewhat, because i could not possibly simply want to get laid with her anymore.

it took many months to figure it out, and then many more months to actually get her to change the way she thinks about herself. then things were great, sparky again! there were some toxic female friends giving her bad advice mixed in there also.

so the only thing i can recommend is something similar, figure out WHY he is not feelilng manly or sexy anymore! Is he overweight? Then the two of you join a gym and go work out 3 times a week.

Does he have the start of ED? then book an appointment with a urologist and go along with him to make sure he tells the whole story, and gets the medical help he needs.

Does he watch so much porn that he is not interested in you? REPLACE the porn with your own body and sexiness. get the kinkiness level up higher. make it so he PREFERS wild sex with you to some bland porn site.

and so on. evaluate, test to see if your evaluation is correct, then apply corrective action. standard problem solving methods.


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## Young at Heart

Beckychester said:


> Hello,
> It’s my first time posting here I’m really nervous about putting it out there.
> Me and husband have been married for two years. Been together 10 years and have two children together.
> He recently told me he feels like he doesn’t love me anymore, he says he wants to try and get the spark back but he is not sure we can work. We have had a hard relationship and have been bickering for years. He said he’s sick of the arguing. We have stopped arguing and I’ve stopped nagging I’ve little things.
> We start marriage counselling on Friday. Has anyone got any advice or stories where there marriage has been like this and it has got better?


Listen to
Laurentium

Marriage counseling can be good even if it is only a tune up. They have probably heard far worse, and a good one will have resources and ideas for the two of you to consider, try and implement in your marriage.

Also work on listening more and figuring out what "triggers" you arguing with your spouse.

Good luck.


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## LATERILUS79

How often do you two get out without the children?

I know how easy it is to stop 'dating' your spouse and just let all other things in life take over. 

Have you thought about getting away to a hotel with him for just a night? Maybe a weekend or a week on vacation with just him? 

If he is saying it is the 'spark, maybe he is looking for alone time with you? Maybe he wants to feel like when you two first met and didn't have nearly as many responsibilities?


I say this all with the understanding that HE needs to put in this effort too! If he thinks the spark is gone, he should also be working to get it back!

I just thought Id give a few suggestions on what you all could do.


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## FishKing

Beckychester said:


> Hello,
> It’s my first time posting here I’m really nervous about putting it out there.
> Me and husband have been married for two years. Been together 10 years and have two children together.
> He recently told me he feels like he doesn’t love me anymore, he says he wants to try and get the spark back but he is not sure we can work. We have had a hard relationship and have been bickering for years. He said he’s sick of the arguing. We have stopped arguing and I’ve stopped nagging I’ve little things.
> We start marriage counselling on Friday. Has anyone got any advice or stories where there marriage has been like this and it has got better?


Hi,
I have been married for 6 years and together for lil over 7 years. My situation was kinda similar. Me and my wife rarely ever got angry with each other, and always had thought we communicated well. I felt something was off due to the fact the intimacy was getting less and less. About 8 months ago my wife told me she felt the spark was not there, and wants to work on getting it back. She had been going to counseling for months, and all the while i thought had to do with the passing of some family members all in the same year. What i didnt know till later was she was going to counseling because of me. And she kept me in the dark about it, and this last july she said she couldnt do this anymore and things wont work out. Obviously a shocker, but the difference was she wouldnt do counseling together. She didnt even try and felt it wouldnt work i feel that its a great thing if you are both willing to do counseling together a put the work in to fix marriage. I hope you guys have good luck with your counselor and you work things out


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## Laurentium

FishKing said:


> What i didnt know till later was she was going to counseling because of me. And she kept me in the dark about it, and this last july she said she couldnt do this anymore and things wont work out.


I have a big problem with this. Obviously I know nothing about your case, but some individual counsellors can subtly push people towards splitting up, while hearing only one side of the story. I say, if it's a relationship issue, go to relationship counselling together.


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## David60525

FishKing said:


> Hi,
> I have been married for 6 years and together for lil over 7 years. My situation was kinda similar. Me and my wife rarely ever got angry with each other, and always had thought we communicated well. I felt something was off due to the fact the intimacy was getting less and less. About 8 months ago my wife told me she felt the spark was not there, and wants to work on getting it back. She had been going to counseling for months, and all the while i thought had to do with the passing of some family members all in the same year. What i didnt know till later was she was going to counseling because of me. And she kept me in the dark about it, and this last july she said she couldnt do this anymore and things wont work out. Obviously a shocker, but the difference was she wouldnt do counseling together. She didnt even try and felt it wouldnt work i feel that its a great thing if you are both willing to do counseling together a put the work in to fix marriage. I hope you guys have good luck with your counselor and you work things out


Date and game each other it will improve.
Both do more living things. Get gottmsm counseling and read his books, see 6 hours a week rule.


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## Talker67

@Beckychester so how is it going. are you on a better flight path now? did any of our suggestions help turn things around?

it is hard, but when you two start bickering, you have to check yourself and stop, or at least walk away until you feel more friendly about it all.


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## lifeistooshort

Beckychester said:


> Unfortunately he uses social media for messages so I would be unable to see that on a phone bill


My ex talked to his side piece on social media and on his work phone so there was nothing on his cell.


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