# Just Got the I Love You But Not In Love With You



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I just got the infamous I love you but I'm not in love with you. It occurred during a marriage counsel session. Of course the counselor didn't make a big deal about it - kind of just ensured that she loved me as the father of child part.

I just left the counselor's office a while ago. But she is still willing to go to counseling. Scheduled seperate and together sessions next week. Her comment after the I'm not in-love with statement was that she was here in counseling. 

Any thoughts? Much appreciated.

I know that I've got to just keep working on myself and prove myself to her.

Let me have it.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Watch her my friend, closely. If that statement comes out there is a very good chance she is involved with someone else. It could either be an emotional affair or physical. Based on her willingness to go to therapy I would assume if there is something going on that it might be an EA. Now there might not be nothing going on, but ask any of us that has heard that statement and a high percentage will tell you there was someone else.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

:iagree:


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I"m watching Sirch. There was at least an EA going on. It has already come out in counseling both seperate and together. Will not presume a PA. Counselor does not believe there is a PA going on.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through this. As if a PA isn't hurtful and destructive enough I believe an EA is worse because it encompasses the persons' heart, which is let's face it what keeps people together in the end. I too was given that line a few months ago and still feel lost and like I have a gaping hole in my chest with no honest answers from him after being together almost 20 yrs....try concentrating on you, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to take care of you =)


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know IfYouSaySo, but I was the cause of it. I let her down emotionally. If I hadn't she wouldn't of needed one. I realize it takes two to get a relationship to that point, but someone is always more "at fault". I am working on myself. Trying to be strong and put into practice the things I've learned on this board, in the books I've read, and in counseling. But it takes time to change. Right now she is so angry with me. She has to learn to let go of the anger before there is a chance. If she can't do that, then no matter what I do it won't be enough to her. So I do what I must, improve myself and make myself happy.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi FA,

I know I'm the devil's advocate here being in the same situation as your wife, although there was not EA or PA...

The reason we seperated and are in councelling is that I felt that exact way, the love but not in love...

Thing is, I am finally atmitting to myself that I have felt this way most of the time we were together but loved how he loved me, and loved the conpanionship, trust, friendship, shared goals etc, that I thought it was enough.

That said, I too have realised how terrible it is to start a life with someone with this frame of mind and how unfair it is on my H when he really is in love with me wholly. I also think that the reason I fell apart so badly was that I felt incredible guilt. I'm not proud. I realise I am a dog for what I have done to him. But, it is what it is, and it is unfair on both of us to continue on like this. Thing is, even after I layed all of this out on the table, he still was happy to have a conpanionship-type relationship and that is really sad b/c we are both only 31.

We also went through alot of tragety which makes us both feel about 70, so for a long time we were OK with things the way we were... I am hoping we can work things out but the more time we spend apart and the more councelling we do, I see that there is more to life than that kind of relationship--for both of us.

But, we don't have kids so I don't expect you to compare my relationship to yours... I'm just saying that I loved my H for all good reasons but not the right reasons. And I think one needs to be honest about that before one can mpore forward, whether together with their partner, or alone.

That's my bit for today.

S


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

S,

She was in-love with me once. You can't fake that. Even I'm not that dense. It was just a whirlwind from dating to marriage and child quickly. I think that is probably the biggest reason - we never had time to be a couple without a child.

It was always unlikely that she could ever get pregnant let alone carry to term. So in a way, our son was a miracle. I still remember the one appointment at the OB that I couldn't make that the OB she saw that day said and I quote "well you are unlikely to ever carry to the term". The pain and hurt that caused her just killed me. I thought about reporting the OB to the medical board for that.

Any way, no we just never had the time to build the lasting foundation. I'm hopeful this crisis will do that, but pragmatic enough to realize that it might not.

As I said once before, wish I was in a sandbox still and my only worry was where is my shovel?


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Well, that is a different story. And it is a beautiful thing that she was able to convieve and carry to term. With H and I, we too got married quickly, but had a miscarriage, and H's dad died three weeks after we got married, we were burgled 2 weeks before we got married, our parents hated each other, and just when things started to pan out, H was diagnosed with Rhumatoid Arthritis... Man, what a roller coaster.

That is why I still have hope we can work things out because the bond we had in the begining was amazing, its just the fire was extinguished really quickly by our respective reltives and mates... his friends thought I was trashy, my friends thought he wa a snob.

Anyway... throw in career issues for years and you have a pretty tired old romance. 

You know, after I told H to quit his job after working 18 hour days together with his Rhumatoid Arthritis, we were thinking about jus running away from life for a while, and in hindsight, I wish we did because--despite people thinking we were being reckless, after years of stress, we should of gone and done it. It would have saved us in hindsight.

Maybe you guys can get away from life for a while? Don't know your situation, but if your child is young enough not to be in school and you can wrangle it somehow... sometimes you need to stop, recover, and start again. Wish I'd done it now. Today, he's in a great job with a great boss so it wouldn't be fair to stuff that up for him.

And, well, even though I'm bored, I have a very respectable job...

Hindsight is a killer!

Take Care,

S


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Love is not an emotion. It is a choice. She needs to know that you will not always feel "in love" with your spouse. It is normal to lose a little bit of that magic. The solution is to work harder at being close with your spouse. I dont' know what is in her mind, but almost every couple goes through that. She just needs to be reassured that loving someone takes work and patience and that no matter who you are with, you will eventually fell less than "In love". That is when the work part of marriage comes into play. Have you tried the Love Dare book? I highly recommend it. It is not easy to do....and it requires giving more of yourself than you ever thought you had to give....either way....you will fell better for doing it and maybe you can get her on board with it.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Thanks Denisek

I haven't tried the Love Dare. Until her anger comes down, there is nothing I can really do to show her. I'm just working on myself. Making myself happier in life.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

DeniseK ~ The Love Dare is an amazing book. I followed it and made it through half-way. I became so discouraged at the lack of acknowledgement on my H's part that I was even making an effort that the entire situation drove me to the point of not only giving up on the book but on myself. I took a long drive to a beautiful favorite place of mine with just a bottle of pills and my thoughts.

Having said that..FA your perspective is completely on the money. Until she can work through her anger there is no getting your words heard or actions acknowledged. I am currently in the midst of working through my anger issues...99% of which stem from childhood, are totally self-destructive and misdirected...and with the help of the 1500th counselor and my trip to my favorite place I finally absorbed how very distructive anger can be. It really consumes a person and mushroom clouds out to hurt everyone we care about.

I am told that by giving your spouse some time, space and alot of patience it can work out. Everyones situation is different I know however, I choose to believe that if there is no abuse/neglect going on any relationship can be healed when we CHOOSE to love.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

IfYouSaySo,

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm giving her space and time. On my path for self discovery I have uncovered something about us that was a surprise to me. Although communication is one of our big issues (we are working on that at counseling) today I realized that my w creates a controlling and negative environment at times which then leads me to be defensive and unsure what to do.

She will arbitrarily put a line in the sand and say it must be this way, both in words and tone. I realize now that I reacted back negatively to this since I sensed no compromise possiblity from her. I was already working on it, but didn't realize the extent to which this pervades our relationship in many facets. This then leads to anger by her when her line in the sand isn't met, etc.

When you say neglect what do you mean by that? I was not abusive, but over time I was withdrawing from the relationship (not realizing it). I think I now know why I was doing this - see paragraph above. Is that what you mean by neglect withdrawing. I was there for house work, grocery shopping, etc. but slowly withdrawing from our intimacy.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Oh no no no no no!

By abuse/neglect I was referring to those relationships where there is either physical/emotional abuse and/or neglect....not at all referring to you or your situation personally =)

What I meant was IMO those types of relationships...if we can call them that...are the only ones that can't ever be resolved because one or both of the partners need serious help.

I'm sorry I wasn't clear....=(


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

That is what I thought you meant, just wanted to be sure. Thanks again for the encouragement.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I feel better today than yesterday or Wednesday when the bomb was dropped that she doesn't "love me". Since she still will pursue counseling I look at it as the glass is half full - or at least I'm trying to look at it that way.

She can be just stubborn. And with the anger she has about the past it is difficult to maintain a happier me around her, although I am trying my best.

We are heading to the drive-in tonight with are son. This will be a first time experience for us as a family. Any suggestions on how to act. A while ago she was at the I don't want you to touch her phase and I have been respecting that wish, but I think that is backfiring on me. Women I never know when to respect what you say or realize it is telling me to the very opposite of what you say you don't want.

Any suggestions?


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

Feelingalone said:


> I just got the infamous I love you but I'm not in love with you. It occurred during a marriage counsel session. Of course the counselor didn't make a big deal about it - kind of just ensured that she loved me as the father of child part.
> 
> I just left the counselor's office a while ago. But she is still willing to go to counseling. Scheduled seperate and together sessions next week. Her comment after the I'm not in-love with statement was that she was here in counseling.
> 
> ...



Ahhh.. The familiar statement... How I miss it. NOT!!!

Anyway, ok.. she may have found someone else, BUT I dont believe it is too late for you.

Get some good books and READ!!! Educate yourself in how to save your marriage. Like stop arguing with her(this will never help you), go out with friends(upgrade your life), be POSTIVE no matter what she says(she loves your negativity, DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER!), etc.

zaxxes.com is a great site. Check em out.

My situation was very similar to yours. There was another man and she wanted to end the marriage as well. I turned it around though.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

Feelingalone said:


> I feel better today than yesterday or Wednesday when the bomb was dropped that she doesn't "love me". Since she still will pursue counseling I look at it as the glass is half full - or at least I'm trying to look at it that way.
> 
> She can be just stubborn. And with the anger she has about the past it is difficult to maintain a happier me around her, although I am trying my best.
> 
> ...


Ok... Here is the plan...

You need to be a PERFECT gentleman for her.

Do not hug, touch, kiss, etc. her. She will HATE you for this. She wants you to respect her wishes. She is testing you. DO NOT FAIL! If she offers it, that's ok.

ALWAYS stare into her eyes(unless driving. hehe). Yes. STARE into her eyes and don't look away until she looks away. This means LOVE to her. Paying attention to her every word makes a girl swoon for you. 

SOrry to say this but... your kid takes a backseat to your wife, ALWAYS! You and your wife are the inner circle, then the secondary circle is the kids. NEVER forget this. Always respect your wife's wishes over your child.

Dress nice, smell good, look good.

LISTEN to her. By reading your posts here I can tell you have issues listening to her. DO NOT offer advice to her unless she asks you. Even then, just reply back with, "Hmmm.. good question. What do you think?" Leave it to her to have the conversation. Just follow her lead.

At the end of the night, ask her how SHE feels. Do not offer your opinion to her, cause she could give a crap about you right now. She thinks you are an ass and offer her no value what-so-ever.

BE POSITIVE! If she calls you an moron to your face, you should say, "You may be right. I was being a moron, huh?" this will disarm her of her negative feelings about you. Keep this in mind.

Now, if you follow these rules, in time, she will come around. She will notice you have changed and love it. Trust me, I went through the same exact thing and my marriage is awesome now.

Oh yeah, maybe bring a yellow flower would be anice jesture also. The trick here is to show her you still have feelings for her, but also respect her wishes at the same time. It is a crucial balancing act. Something like, "For a beautiful woman." and hand the flower to her. DO NOT push the love after that. It just shows her you have feelings for her and wont smother her.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Husbaninthemaking:

Believe me I am doing all of the things you have suggested. I don't have problems listening to her now. But she does have some issues or the way she does things that I am working on with the counselor to be able to diffuse her from doing.

Remember talking it two ways. She gave examples of how she was trying to talk to me and the counselor was like that just won't work with anyone. Either they will get mad back or retreat. I was retreating. In time, I avoided. Not doing that anymore, but not talking. Counselor also said she has to get over her anger at me.

But your suggestions are working since I've been doing for a while. Read a lot of good books. It definitely helps. 

Thanks for the input.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

Feelingalone said:


> Husbaninthemaking:
> 
> Believe me I am doing all of the things you have suggested. I don't have problems listening to her now. But she does have some issues or the way she does things that I am working on with the counselor to be able to diffuse her from doing.
> 
> ...


Bottom line is... You are trying to get her back emotionally. In order to do that, sometimes we need to give alot more than we want to.

I gave into everything she asked during my issues with my wife. People thought I was crazy. Well, now I am the one laughing because after she reliazed I loved her and wanted to see her happy no matter what, she was all over me.

Good luck. Good to hear you are doing the right htings.

By the way, your counselor sucks. He should have told you that if you listen and give into her fornow, she would come around again emotionally in time.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Husbandinthemaking ~

What are your suggestions if it is the other way around and it's the husband that gave that line?

=)


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

A very wise old woman once told me *the secret to a long and successful marriage*. She said:

_"You fall in and out of love with your husband/wife all throughout your marriage. You always love him/her but you are not in love with him/her. And it is what you do when you are not in love with him/her that makes or brakes a marriage"_

so yes, i do believe you can love but not be in love. I have experienced it over and over in my 9 year marriage. I also love my husband, just sometimes that love is the giddy, freecaring, romantic, stargazing, heart racing, sexy, head in the clouds kind of love {thats when you are in love} which everyone has experienced and enjoys. But you cant stay that way for years and years, life gets in the way, you have kids, you change diapers {nothing romantic about that}, you pay bills {not romantic}, you get sick and feel like dog sh*t {definately not sexy} So most of the time, i just love him. But if you just hold on long enough,{in my case i waited up to 2 or 3 years} and if you have a partner that actually cares about you, you will notice one day, out of the blue, WHAM...you get that fluttery feeling again when you look at him, and you just cant keep your hands off him, and before you know it, you are all in love with him/her again...

problem is most people start thinking something is wrong with their marriage because they no longer get the fluttery feeling when the look at their partner or because life has gone stale and has no excitement. And then they start to look for all the bad things the other is doing, and start keeping score and who does more and holding gruges. For reals, if you had the kind of excitement everyday of your marriage like you have when you first start dating, honestly you would have a heart attack or cardiac arrest from all the heart pounding sensations. but instead of finding a way to treat the other person better, we start blaming them and complaining more about everything. its all the more harder, when one person in the relationship doesnt even TRY to make the other feel loved or cherished. When you stop doing "little things" for the other person just to make them smile and just because you love them only because you are mad that you did more dishes last week. Well it is just stupid and petty. When you are too busy playing the blame game, then you cant see the good things that are happening and they do. And when you keep looking for all the bad things, guess what, you find bad things. This is a time when you need to look for the good and not focus on the bad.

And if you give up, get divorced just because you are bored and daily life has no excitement, you will soon find yourself in a vicious never ending cycle. You will get divorced from this man, fall in love with another, find and deal with whatever his damage is {because they (we)all have some issues}, work it out, life gets boring, then divorce that one and so on and so forth. you will never reach the end reward, which is the happliy ever after, growing old together. come on, have you seen two elderly people skipping around and chasing after each other? no...you see them walking quietly, slowly, holding hands. or sitting side by side, reading or watching tv but not talking just enjoying each others companionship but not have to entertain all the time. 

so i, for one, believe in the secret .......


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Husbandinthemaking:

I don't think the counselor sucks at all. She is not saying that I shouldn't respect my w's wishes, but that there are things she will need to work on as well. As I said I am doing the things you mention - or trying to do them all, all the time. And learn how to work with my w's traits that she will eventually need to work on as well. But if I work on how to deal with those traits better, it will help her remove them - that is what I was trying to say. But she has to be willing as well - right now the anger is making her somewhat unwilling.

MrsVain:  I love that quote.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I remember those words and how my stomach dropped! 

I say you are doing the right things now. It's a matter of time and commitment. It's important not to appear weak, which I think you are doing.

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships. I know my husband isn't cheating. However, he thinks the grass is greener still.

I DID have a breakthough last night. Long Story. He asked me out to a secret lunch this Friday!!! That is the first time that he asked me to do anything, just the two of us, in a positive manner in months....


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## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

I hate that line. It is such a cop-out. I think it is a way of avoiding talking about what the real problem is.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Corpus,

Why do you think I am appearing weak? Curious to know.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

OOPS! Feeling Alone....I meant (typo) "which I think you are NOT doing."

It seems that you are stepping up to the plate and giving her space! The ball is in her court.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Thanks for clarifying. We will see where this all leads. I am hoping to join Voivid. The man is the rock of gilbraltor.


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## greenfrog (Jul 3, 2009)

overitnolove said:


> Hi FA,
> 
> I know I'm the devil's advocate here being in the same situation as your wife, although there was not EA or PA...
> 
> ...


I feel like you are telling my story. My husband and I are good friends. Our emotional connection was lost for several reasons. We are both seeing therapists and trying to understand ourselves and the marriage. I always thought divorce was for people in abusive situations. But now I am seeing that staying or leaving is more about personal and even spiritual growth. I don't want to hurt him but I want to be fair to us both and give us both the opportunity to be loved and give love as we need to.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Been away for a while. Went to the beach for the last week with my parents and my son. Had a great time. The w didn't go along which was a good thing. Her mom came and spent some time with her while we were away.

There is nothing like recharging your batteries. I got more sleep in the last week than the previous three months combined. 

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be in each of their own situations. I feel great today. 

I'm moving forward.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree about the recharging! I did it a few weeks ago and slept better as well.

Do you feel as if you are doing everything but nothing is changing? 

This is how I am feeling. If I could only see a light at the end of the tunnel!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes Corpus I do feel that way at times "that I am doing everything but nothing is changing" I've even thought the same about the light at the end of the tunnel.

But I just left an individual session with our marriage counselor who continues to give me ways to do better. Kindness, caring, and unselfishness is my motto after the session. Doing the little things now are more important than any of the biggest things. Keeping communication open with my w - not the big issue stuff, but just showing her I care. And giving her space.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

FeelingAlone,

I got the exact same speech, man, and it sucks. She was never like this but now it's like she is a different person. Hang in there. I'm trying to as well. You have to strike a balance, can't be too clingy but can't let her do whatever she wants whenever she wants. Thankfully we are broke at the moment so that has curtailed her going out habits. Still, as I type this, she is out with friends and concerned about being the hottest woman there. It's frustrating, you have to give her some rope but not too much. Good luck.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Thanks P,

It is hard. You hang in too. I don't really have trouble giving her space. She is just angry at me and has her own issues to deal with as well.


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## perpetualchange (Oct 8, 2009)

Hi,

Thanks for posting your situation and updating. It feels better to know I'm not the only guy feeling alone in his own house. My wife recently (2 weeks ago) let me know in marriage counseling that she was done with us as a married couple. She says she still loves me but the wedding band is off her finger and she is not physically or emotionally attached. We have 4 kids, 2 still in the house. So a separation that works is dicey for her to navigate. She's scared. 
I know why she is (has been) this way. I was "checked out" for maybe the last 3-4 years following a bout with depression. My emergence from that left me a shell of a man. My individual weekly therapy and medication have helped me understand who I am and what I can engage with in life. But it took this earthquake of an event like her saying this to wake me up completely. I now see life in a completely different light. I now know why I love my wife, my family, my life in general. I've never been more active in life than I am now.
Unfortunately, I've woken up to my wife no longer wanting to be my wife. Thankfully she noted the change and was surprised but now very confused. "why couldn't you be this years ago?" "can I trust you'll stay this way?" I have no answers for her other than confirming my feelings, letting her know and dedicated to saving our marriage even though she may have one foot out the door.
Things have been tough but we've had time to go out to dinner, enjoy each others' company, talk to each other like we haven't in years. It's leaving her with doubts she didn't have before about the separation but it really hasn't turned the corner for her yet. Right now I'm just feeling very lonely and longing for her. More than I can remember. I'm doing all I can to give her space and listen. But I truly deep down hope she comes back. I just can't imagine a separation seeing that she's basically already emotionally separate from me.

Best of luck to you and I will be checking to see how you do.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Perpetual,

I don't post much on my own threads anymore. My w checked out and has now cheated on me. We'll see what she does. I've seen what I became with her and don't like it.

Your situation sounds different, I hope. It appears to me that she is just not trusting in your changs. Just keep the faith and be yourself. Everything else will fall into place eventually. It probably won't be easy or a smoth ride, but at least you are on it. Don't push, like you aren't and things should get better. 

Congrats on getting out of your depression. That was a lot of work I'm sure. Now keep focusing on you and just be ther for your w as best you can, but never lose sight of yourself. You and she will regreat that in the long run.

God speed.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

perpetualchange said:


> I know why she is (has been) this way. I was "checked out" for maybe the last 3-4 years following a bout with depression. My emergence from that left me a shell of a man. My individual weekly therapy and medication have helped me understand who I am and what I can engage with in life. But it took this earthquake of an event like her saying this to wake me up completely. I now see life in a completely different light. I now know why I love my wife, my family, my life in general. I've never been more active in life than I am now.
> Unfortunately, I've woken up to my wife no longer wanting to be my wife. Thankfully she noted the change and was surprised but now very confused. "why couldn't you be this years ago?" "can I trust you'll stay this way?" I have no answers for her other than confirming my feelings, letting her know and dedicated to saving our marriage even though she may have one foot out the door.
> Things have been tough but we've had time to go out to dinner, enjoy each others' company, talk to each other like we haven't in years. It's leaving her with doubts she didn't have before about the separation but it really hasn't turned the corner for her yet. Right now I'm just feeling very lonely and longing for her. More than I can remember. I'm doing all I can to give her space and listen. But I truly deep down hope she comes back. I just can't imagine a separation seeing that she's basically already emotionally separate from me.
> 
> Best of luck to you and I will be checking to see how you do.


depression is brutal. i just found out that is part of my issues. i knew things were dark, but to have been diagnosed (by a long time friend/family doctor) was a new perspective.

it so sounds like you are dealing with what i have been. a wife who felt trapped and controlled and never felt she could spread her wings. thats all she wants. i don't know for how long. she is just now learning she can "make it" without me giving too much and i'm sure it feels good to her. i can't imagine what it feels like to finally be the grown-up. as much of a caretaker she has been all her life (abusive/alcoholic parents, then me and my problems) she could not have hads much of a chance to grow up and be a real adult. good for her.

space...faith...self-work...time...i don't know what else. but the door does still seem open. good luck.


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## perpetualchange (Oct 8, 2009)

Thanks FA and voivod,

My wife and I had a tough talk on the way to work this morning. But it just clarified exactly what you said about her not trusting the change, and that she has no interest in anyone else. She thinks a separation will prove it. I somewhat agree but my feelings for her are so strong that it will be so tough for me to do that. We did agree on time, patience, space and she let me know she has recently felt great about coming home to me (something she wasn't feeling before) and that things do really feel different.

Best to both of you.


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