# Mixed feelings



## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Let me begin by saying that I've been lurking here for 4 months or so reading all the horrible stories of infidelity. I'm sort of at a crossroads and need some words of advice.

In February of 2010 my wife of 18years and a former hs friend made contact on Facebook and eventually began to have an affair. Things had not been great between the two of us due to an illness of hers, an illness to my son and dimentia that my wifes father became ill with. It put a lot of stress on her and nothing I did seemed to make much of a difference. She just got more and more distant and angry. Anyway, In June or July of 2010 we got into a large argument and she finally told me that she was doubting that she could continue in the marriage. At this point her affair was still hidden from me but I started probing and in August I found her at his house. Of course over the months she denied and denied that there was anything going on other than a friendship. She claimed that he listened to her problems better than I could. At one point she had me convinced that this was the case and I tried to be accepting but it was very difficult. Despite my request for her to be more open with her friendship, she continued to hide things and I continued to probe. I eventually put a keylogger on her computer and along with information gathered there and from her cellphone records I realized that she was indeed having an affair. After many confrontations and with me still vowing to fix our marriage, I gave up around April of 2011. She and my daughter began looking for an apartment to move into. She continued to deceive me and at the end of June I paid her first months rent for her to move sooner than she planned. She and my daughter moved out (my daughters choice so she could keep my wife company). My son and I stayed in the house. We had already filed for separation. My son blew her plan apart when he announced that he would NOT be moving with her. My wife continually told me that she did not want a divorce because she needed my health care coverage. Not sure why but I agreed to this. Perhaps as a way to keep her in my life. Who knows. Anyway, in July I started to date a wonderful woman. My wife continued to see her old boyfriend. I tried everything to be a decent ex. I really did not want to argue with her. She and her boyfriend broke up in September. In November she began talking about reconcilitation. For some stupid reason around Christmas I jumped at the chance and told my girlfriend than I was going to reconcile with her. I really didn't feel good about this and after a week I broke down and told the wife that I couldn't go thru with it. I had prematurely jumped at the opportunity before really thinking it thru. Over the next few months she began to interfere with my dating using the kids to do so. It got to the point that my girlfriend told me that she felt like the other woman. At this point it got to be too much for me. I was hurting my girlfriend because I couldn't make a stand against my wife. I decided I needed to stop dating until I could come to terms with it. After my wife heard the news that I broke things off, she immediately started campaigning in to move back in. We've been going to counseling but I'm having a tough time with this. I do love my wife but we've gone thru so much and I'm just not sure what I want anymore. It almost feels as if something inside of me has died. I just can't seem to get excited about seeing her or having much interaction with her. She is very remorseful about what she's done, has admitted to her wrong doings, has continued to go to counseling and has begun to attend church again. I know that she is sincere but I'm worried that she just misses her life and not me or our marriage. I took good care of her and the kids and not having that has been tough on her.

I know I've left out a ton of details so ask if you need to know but I really need to hear some opinions.

Thanks in advance.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Her remorse is fake, her attending church isn't sincere. For the love of god please stop letting her treat you like a doormat and move on. There are plenty of loyal woman that would make you wonder why you got stuck with your current wife.

BTW cancel her health insurance asap.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just like you stated, "her plan fell apart" your hurting b/c you know you are her second choice and you emotionally torture your self b/c she has a way of managing you. 

She continues to give you just a little pit so you stay in *her* marriage of convienence. This is her marriage and not yours. What has she done to help you heal and rebuild *your* marriage with her?

You need to make a life changing choice here and until you can walk away from this marriage without anger and can walk away with a smile on your face then you will continue to struggle.

Get this monkey off your back once and for all, b/c it appears your wife is not taking the step to help you heal and you are not taking the step to forgive her for the pain she gave you.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> My son blew her plan apart when he announced that he would NOT be moving with her.


Why would your wife's plan to move to an apartment with your daughter be blown apart just because your son decided not to go with her?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Stop.
Think.
And then decide.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

reggis said:


> Why would your wife's plan to move to an apartment with your daughter be blown apart just because your son decided not to go with her?


When she first consulted an attorney she was told that due to the difference in our income that she would probably be granted a bit of alimony along with child support. The alimony fell thru when she finally revealed the affair. Her child support effectively got reduced to half when my son wouldn't live with her. Suddenly she found herself with barely enough money to survive on.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

And therin appears the truth.
The lies with infidelity rarely stop at the act itself. For the betrayer it becomes a huge act of self preservation on all fronts.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

> She and her boyfriend broke up in September.


OK, let me brief you in. He dumped her. She couldn't leech off him anymore, and without a decent alimony stream couldn't support herself either. So she decided to move back to you for now.

Now, let's go through it point by point:

- If her lover didn't dump her, she wouldn't have come back
- If your son moved along with her ensuring the revenue, she wouldn't have come back
- If she (*gasp*) had strength to work and provide for herself, she wouldn't be with you now


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

snap said:


> OK, let me brief you in. He dumped her. She couldn't leech off him anymore, and without a decent alimony stream couldn't support herself either. So she decided to move back to you for now.
> 
> Now, let's go through it point by point:
> 
> ...


Yes, I know he dumped her. Apparently he has commitment issues.

Yes, I know if she was living financially comfortable that everything would be different.

She's actually not with me now. She wants to be but isn't. I've taken a break from her. No contact.

She keeps asking what she can do to help me to heal and to forgive her. I really don't know what to say to that. I'm not sure if there's anything she can do. I'm not angry with her anymore but I am bitter.

One thing I asked her for was no contact with the guy. I needed to hear her break it off with him once and for all. She did talk to him but she denied me the opportunity to hear it as I requested. I just fired off an angry email to her about this. It's been bugging me for several weeks now that she again took her own feelings into account first and mine became secondary.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

the guy said:


> Just like you stated, "her plan fell apart" your hurting b/c you know you are her second choice and you emotionally torture your self b/c she has a way of managing you.
> 
> She continues to give you just a little pit so you stay in *her* marriage of convienence. This is her marriage and not yours. What has she done to help you heal and rebuild *your* marriage with her?
> 
> ...


Can you give me some examples of what she could do to help me heal?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> She keeps asking what she can do to help me to heal and to forgive her. I really don't know what to say to that.


Tell her you can give a try to R, but you want to maintain status quo (being financially separate) until you find strength to forgive.

If she is genuine, it will not be a problem. But I bet her attitude will change momentarily as she hears it.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

snap said:


> Tell her you can give a try to R, but you want to maintain status quo (being financially separate) until you find strength to forgive.
> 
> If she is genuine, it will not be a problem. But I bet her attitude will change momentarily as she hears it.


I certainly can't see her moving back into the house with me. Not now. That also means that she has to continue to pay her own way (which she has been doing) and not rely on me. Her lease is up at the end of June. She has to give 60 days notice as to her intentions to stay or leave. She's been campaigning to give notice of her departure. I've been pretty clear that if she wants to leave the apartment that she needs to look elsewhere.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The fact that she wanted to stay married to you while she carried on with the other man just for your health insurance is disturbing.

The fact that he dumped her and only then, after about a year and a half, she came back to you, is disturbing.

Are you willing to accept her back. She may treat you civilly in return for your financial security, but I don't think you will find much love there.

Already, you have asked her to break it off with the other guy in front of you and she says she did, but didn't let you hear it. She may have told him, this is your last chance, I really want you and not my husband, but I will go back to my husband if you don't take me back now. It's doubtful she broke it off if she didn't let you hear it. She had everything to gain by letting you hear it and nothing to lose.

We can give you advice on how to try to heal the relationship with your wife and what she can do, but she also can fake it and wind up leaving you again if the other man shows renewed interest at some point in the future. We can't see into her heart. She lied so much, about everything, and seems to continue to lie even now.

If she wanted to help you heal, the first step would be a handwritten no contact letter to the other man, telling him she is horribly ashamed of her behavior and how terrible she fears for what she's done to her husband and family, and that she does not want him to contact her ever again, through any means whatsoever, and if he ever does try to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. She should give the letter to you so you can have her make any changes you would like, then give it to you to put in the mail. No contact means also no looking at his Facebook page, etc.

Next, she would have to give you access to all her communication devices and accounts and she would have to account for her wherabouts 24/7 until you feel comfortable.

Also, I would suggest she must commit, with you, to working on fixing whatever was wrong with her that made her cheat instead of just divorce you if she was so unhappy in the marriage. She and you must commit to work on your individual faults and decide what you want your marriage to be like going forward. How much time together? How much sex? Etc.

These things she should do enthusiastically, not begrudgingly. I hear that you were much to blame for the bad marriage, but she also had some blame for that and cheating was not the way to fix the bad marriage.

Just from what you posted, I don't see why you would want to work it out, but you know the situation better than me and there's probably a bunch that you left out. To some degree, you also have to follow your heart. She is saying the right things now, it would seem, but still not doing the right things - the only action that you've told us about, not giving the no contact message to the other man in front of you.

Do you want to try to reconcile with your wife or call it quits?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you spend the rest of you life being the second choice? 

You should apologize to the new girl. You totally used her as a rebound.



> She keeps asking what she can do to help me to heal and to forgive her.


Good that she asked you. Tell her that you already forgave her. Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to take her back. For you heal, she needs to stop contacting you. She made her bed. Let her sleep on it. Help her to move on if you have to as she is the mother of your children

You also seem to resent her a lot for the lies and what she put you through. I think you cannot have a proper relationship with her again. The trusts required for relationship will never be there


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I would test the waters and have her hand write a letter of apology to both your children wherein she acknowledges her adultery and does not blame you in any way. She hand writes a no contact letter (template in the newbie thread) but with a change where she uses the word adultery and affair. This is done in your presence and posted by you. She writes the answers to any question you have about the affair no matter how bad it is , you can choose to read the answers or not. Even after this I would not commit to any R with her nor have her return to your home. 

Once the above is done she has to evidence she loves you and you alone. You can then decide if you want her in your life.

In the interim cancel her healthcare and any other items you are carrying the cost for her . 

These are small requirements , are not designed to punish her but are an opportunity for her to do what must be done to show you she loves you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm not going to tell you to try and reconcile with your wife or not.. 

However, since your asking, here are the wayward spouse instructions that many people have found works.

Good luck and prayers for your family whatever you decide to do. One question, are your kids wanting you to get back together?

Print this off and read/go over it with her. 

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Can't,
I like the others don't think there really is a decision to be made here.

This woman has totally disrespected you and now wants to do it again and you KNOW this!

While I understand the pull of keeping the family together, it seems that your kids (at least your boy) understand what has happened and why. Do you really want to put them through this again because you know she will pull this again.

Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Be careful about dumping her insurance. Might bite you in the butt. If you decide on R you can rack up bills that you will regret having to pay and may not be able to get her back on your policy for a while. If you D the judge may look at this a mean spirited and make decisions based upon your actions. It is the same way with money. Just be careful and consult a good attorney.

We often think of doing things in the heat of the exposure that we 
can and sometimes regret. We can say to hel* with legalities, etc. I did. But I was fortunate. I could be in jail right now.

All I am saying is take time to decide things. Don't make hasty decisions when it comes to health insurance, money, D or R.

I am in R, but I let my drinking and anger get the best of me. Then I became the problem. There are many knuckleheaded things we BS's can do. 

Keep in mind that you are at the point of what the hel* just happened. It is like being hit with an IED in Iraq. Confusion, dazed, don't know which way is up or down. 

You will figure it out but you can't do it overnight.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

My husband would not let me hear him break it off with other woman, he went into another room to talk to her and later I found out they were still talking and seeing each other, it didn't end until my sister caught them together and the affair was exposed, reconcilation is hard, there are days things are great and i couldn't be happier and then there are days when I trigger and think about him with her and I just get emotionally distraught...forgiving is easy, forgetting is not, but I am sure with time the thoughts will become less and less and fade away...if you truly want to be with your wife, give her a chance to prove herself to you and she will have to be the one to deal with the damage she has caused you and it won't go away over night, if you do not want to be with her then end it, don't drag it out as it will only make things harder. I reconciled with my husband not just because I love him but because I didn't want to divorce and then regret the what-if I would have gave him a 2nd chance, so many people have walked out of their marriage because of hurt and later regretted not trying to work things out, marriage isn't easy and wasn't meant to be but it takes 2 no matter what, if she is trying and you are not then you will be right back where you are. Stay strong and I hope you listen to your heart and your gut and not your emotional wreckage..Good luck buddy...


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Had a long discussion this morning on the phone with her about her lack of contact conversation she had with him. I think it finally hit her that she should have been willing to do what it takes and not talk me out of listening to the conversation. Anyway, in lieu of what's already been done I told her she could write a no contact letter and I'd mail it to him after reading it. We'll see how seriously she takes it.

I know she is trying to make things right but she just keeps making bad decisions. The more she does this the more I just want to check out. My biggest reason for not divorcing her is that I don't want to make a decision that I may regret later. I'm trying to work through this to see if there's anything left to be salvaged.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Can you spend the rest of you life being the second choice?
> 
> You should apologize to the new girl. You totally used her as a rebound.
> 
> ...


I've apologized to the new girl and she understands that I meant it. It's one of the worst things I've ever had to do. Never want to go thru that again or put anyone thru that again.

And yes, I resent the hell out of the wife for all the lies, manipulations, etc. that occurred. Hell, I bought her a car in April of '10. That's 2 months after she started seeing him even though she swears they hadn't had sex yet. Doesn't matter though, seeing him and my buying her a car............just hard to get past things like that.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you think she has not had sex with this guy then you are in deep deep denial. She is a manipulator and has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Why not divorce her and then have her try to win you back?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorce her, you've seen her true colors. Her plan was to take your son and daughter away from you, and to get you to finance her love nest.

Only when that didnt work did she return to you. Come on dude, why do you let her treat you like this? There isn't love on her part for you. Only self serving manipulation and lie lie lie.

She wanted to take your son and daughter. Look, she would take both your kidneys and give it to her bf, even if it killed you. Why don't you see how awful a human being she is?

And she is still talking to guy she took your family away for? It didn't occur to her not to talk to him?

You really think she's going to go no contact with the love of her life? She may mooch even more off of you, but I'll bet you she's going to be hooking up with him behind your back. Come on, does she need to send you a video of them together.

You found a good gf, that treated you well and with respect. Flush the leach down the tube and get back with the gf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

chaos said:


> Why not divorce her and then have her try to win you back?


:iagree:

She is still hiding the whole truth about the affair.

You already know what you have to do to heal yourself, you just can't seem to pull the trigger. You are her doormat, her banker, she had no problem delegating you to her past until her plans fell through and she found herself in financial difficulty. She even told you she did not want divorce while in the middle of shacking up because she needed you insurance. That alone should tell you all you need to know about her real intentions.

Now she is still doing what she wants, trying to manipulate you to open the bank once again. Her remorse and apologies are not heart-felt. I'm sure she is sorry, only she is sorry her plans fell through and she is forced to try to R with you to safe her life style. 

You were moving on from her before her BF ran for the hills. You do not really want her back. You will not get over the totally callous, disrespectful way she treated you and lied to you.

Divorce her. Then take her off the insurance.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

bryanp said:


> If you think she has not had sex with this guy then you are in deep deep denial. She is a manipulator and has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


I know she has, just not back in April of 2010. Or I should say I don't think she did back then.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

chaos said:


> Why not divorce her and then have her try to win you back?


I've thought hard about that scenario. If I divorce her though I just don't see me ever going back.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wouldn't have dumped your girlfriend. Your wife only wants back in because she and the boyfriend broke up. 

Note, her primary concern during the separation was remaining on your health coverage, she had no regard for the pain and anguish she put you through or the fact she's an ingrate who split up a family.

You will harbour a lot of resentment towards her for the foreseeable future. I don't see you falling back in love with her to be honest. If you still can, get back with your girlfriend and a start a new clean page in your life.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

cantdecide,

I truly feel for you. I also admire you.

You still love your wife and you do not want your family broken up. 

We all get it!!!

Time is on your side. Do not let the apartment lease be your issue for your ww moving back in. That is her issue. Your daughter can move back in. Tell your wife she has to earn it. When she asks you how long. Simple. How long was she seeing ftard the OM. That is how long.

Take the time to see if you can get over the affair and the bitterness you feel towards her for all the crap she has put you through.


If she is truly remorseful she will understand this is the time you need to heal.

She will also understand that the reconciliation is a huge gift you are giving her. There are no 2nd chances.

She needs to be clear on all of this before you can make reconciliation work. You need to feel that you are not the 2nd choice. If she cannot do that then Divorce is your only option.

*It is no longer about her, it is all about you and your family.*

Good Luck Buddy and let us know how you are doing.

HM64


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Man o man. This should be a no brainer. Hey Cantdecide, marry me! I'm up for a free ride like that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, I told her on the 8th that I wanted a "no contact" letter to him and that I'd mail it. She didn't take it too seriously I don't think. Since then we've decided that I need time away from her (her idea but she was shocked when I agreed). Sent her a quick email on the 11th reminding her that the letter was very important. Hasn't been brought up since by her or me. Nor am I going to. If she doesn't understand how necessary it is to show her seriousness to reconcile...................or she's still wanting to keep him as a backup plan.

Just about over it.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Just received an email from her asking for tax returns for the past 2 years. Seems she's been preapproved for a mortgage.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> Well, I told her on the 8th that I wanted a "no contact" letter to him and that I'd mail it. She didn't take it too seriously I don't think. Since then we've decided that I need time away from her (her idea but she was shocked when I agreed). Sent her a quick email on the 11th reminding her that the letter was very important. Hasn't been brought up since by her or me. Nor am I going to. If she doesn't understand how necessary it is to show her seriousness to reconcile...................or she's still wanting to keep him as a backup plan.
> 
> Just about over it.


Even if she does write a No Contact letter at this point, you will always wonder if she has been in contact with him and warned him that the letter is coming and to just ignore it. She wants to keep him on the line while she manipulates you. Cake eating galore.

I think you have already decided what is best for you. You have done all that anyone could reasonably expect to save your marriage. Cut her loose. Get the divorce and move on a clean slate.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you two legally separated? If not, the don't send her anything until you get a chance to talk with your divorce attorney. There may not be anything to worry about by sending her the tax returns for the last two years but for your own peace of mind, talk to your attorney first. The last thing you want is to be blindsided by a home loan she takes out and that you may end up being responsible to repay.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

:iagree:

If any debts are obtained while you are still married you may be reponsible!!!


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

We're legally separated and all of our assests have been split up. The only financial tie we have is the mortgage for the house I'm in. Any new debts are individual and have been applied for as such.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, I guess she was bluffing asking for the tax returns. Maybe I'd fall to my knees to ask her to move back in? She didn't get the response she wanted so she called me and said i guess this is it. I said, yup, guess I'll contact the attorney. Again, she was bluffing and started pleading her case. I finally reminded her of the no contact letter. Her excuse for not writing it? It just seems cruel to write him the letter and she wasn't going to do it. Gee, sparing his feelings for mine yet again.....................

She also complained about having to sign another lease like I told her to for the apartment. I reminded her that she could leave at any time if she gave 60 days notice. She argued that she'd lose her deposit and one months rent if she did that. Really? You'd rather lose your marriage instead of $1200? 

The choices people make sometimes....................


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you go as dark as you can on her , only talk about the children. Everything else ignore , if she gets stroppy tell her to go through your attorney. 

Your doing well , keep the bar high, focus on yourself and what you want out of life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> Gee, sparing his feelings for mine yet again.......................


That's it. 

If she is still hesitant about ending contact with her lover while ignoring her husband, she isn't worthy of being married to. It sucks but you have to look after yourself and go dark on her.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Its over friend. You have done everything you can. She is just too far gone. Its time she make her own way in life. A life without you. Find someone who will appreciate you and love you right.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Stop asking her to do these things (NC letter). If she desperately wants to save this marriage she'd do them willingly while grovelling on her knees for forgiveness. 

She's the one that cheated, not you. Make _her_ fight to win you back, not the other way around.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Stop asking her to do these things (NC letter). If she desperately wants to save this marriage she'd do them willingly while grovelling on her knees for forgiveness.
> 
> She's the one that cheated, not you. Make _her_ fight to win you back, not the other way around.


I didn't ask. She asked me what else she could do so I reminded her about the letter. She refused. I also reminded her that she had told me I could have access to her phone, email accounts, facebook, etc. Well, today she says she'll print out the last 3 months of phone records but that's all I get. Nothing before that and nothing in the future and no other access to accounts.

I'm done. Already emailed my attorney.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good, b/c Complexity has hit the nail right on the head, and I'm glad you see this.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You believe her that she never ****ed her OM? Really. Why? did you put a lock on her A$$ and Pu$$y?

You wasted your time R with this cheater and lier to her core, without any respect or concern for your pain she caused. Now also her priority is OM feelings not yours.

Do you need any more reason to dump her? Issue her with D papers, tell her and children why you did this and go back to your GF. Have happy life.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> I didn't ask. She asked me what else she could do so I reminded her about the letter. She refused. I also reminded her that she had told me I could have access to her phone, email accounts, facebook, etc. Well, today she says she'll print out the last 3 months of phone records but that's all I get. Nothing before that and nothing in the future and no other access to accounts.
> 
> I'm done. Already emailed my attorney.


Good for you! Stay strong. When I read the part about her saying a NC letter would be cruel to OM I could not believe it. WOW, talk about no respect for you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Complexity said:


> Stop asking her to do these things (NC letter). If she desperately wants to save this marriage she'd do them willingly while grovelling on her knees for forgiveness.
> 
> She's the one that cheated, not you. Make _her_ fight to win you back, not the other way around.


She's _The_ textbook toxic, cliche common cheater. Her actions and this storyline have been laughably predictable. Same will apply if he gives her another shot. 

Suggesting he allow her any opportunity to reconcile is paramount to culpable negligence on our part. lol.

It's cruel, bordering criminal. lol. 

This is toast.

Your doing the right thing moving on. Stay strong, don't turn around. She's gonna really pour it on thick now, her last ditch effort will be oscar worthy.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> She's _The_ textbook toxic, cliche common cheater. Her actions and this storyline have been laughably predictable. Same will apply if he gives her another shot.
> 
> Suggesting he allow her any opportunity to reconcile is paramount to culpable negligence on our part. lol.
> 
> ...


Pit is smack on point.

cant - change your name to decided and do not look back.


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## razorsedge (Apr 9, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> I didn't ask. She asked me what else she could do so I reminded her about the letter. She refused. I also reminded her that she had told me I could have access to her phone, email accounts, facebook, etc. Well, today she says she'll print out the last 3 months of phone records but that's all I get. Nothing before that and nothing in the future and no other access to accounts.
> 
> I'm done. Already emailed my attorney.


Good for you!


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, my appointment with the attorney is at 4 pm. today. Don't forsee any complications since we're already legally separated.

Did get an email from her this morning saying she's tired of trying to reconcile and not getting much back from me. How's that for patience and understanding? 3 weeks of her saying she's sorry but still hiding her actions. :scratchhead: Oh well, at least the divorce papers won't be a shock to her. Didn't reply to her email nor her phone call this morning.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

cantdecide said:


> Well, my appointment with the attorney is at 4 pm. today. Don't forsee any complications since we're already legally separated.
> 
> Did get an email from her this morning saying she's tired of trying to reconcile and not getting much back from me. How's that for patience and understanding? 3 weeks of her saying she's sorry but still hiding her actions. :scratchhead: Oh well, at least the divorce papers won't be a shock to her. Didn't reply to her email nor her phone call this morning.


Good, try not to reply to anything unless its an emergency. Silence says more than anything clever you could come up with.

She was only acting like she wanted to R to save face, she is not remorseful so it was just a sham. I'm glad you are not trying to hang on to false hope and seeing that she is just trying to manipulate you.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes, it was a sham to save face which is what I suspected. Had to take my daughter to the wifes apartment to pick up a few things. Wife showed up before I could leave and wanted to discuss the divorce. She of course got into the fact that I couldn't get over things. I pointed out to her that she had never truly cut things off with her boyfriend, that she still held out some hope that she could get together with him. No denials, no rants, just a cold blank stare. Tells me all I need to know.

Anyway, should have the initial draft next week. Don't foresee any problems.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

I need to tell my kids (15 and 18) of the pending divorce. I'm hesitant about answering questions. How much information should I give if they ask? They've never really asked too much in the past but I'm afraid when I announce the coming divorce that they may actually want answers.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Chances are kids already know something is up.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Your kids are old enough to know the truth. 

It sucks, but the reality is your wife has no problem telling bald-faced lies to people she supposedly loves. If you don't talk to them about it, she will. And you won't come off well.

Don't underestimate the importance of being the one to tell your side first. Sit them down, explain, and stick to the facts and only the facts.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

The kids know something is up. That's easy. I'm just torn as to whether or not I tell them that their mother had an affair if they want to know. She is still their mother afterall. I'm sure both of them know more than they let on already. My daughter in the past hasn't wanted to know. My son I know has a clue which is part of his problem with her. I want both of them to have a good relationship with her. I'd like them to know the truth but at the same time I'm scared it may destroy their relationship.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there are ways to tell the truth without bad mouthing

"as much as I love your mother and as much as I want to make it work, I cannot continue in the marriage while she has an affair and her heart belongs to another."


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also do know it is very likely she will justify her actions to your children and she will be the one bad mouthing you. Don't get into the war of words with her between the children. The children will pick up on the fact that you are being civil and just, while she is playing the blame game.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I don't think you need to use the word, "affair" to your kids. You could just say to them that their mom would rather be with someone else now, so you are divorcing. They don't need to know that she's been bonking him or been cheating on you during your marriage. 

Saying it this way tells your kids that your mom is the one causing it to end, but at the same time insulates them from knowing stuff was going on during the marriage. They may speculate, but if they ask, just tell them to ask their mother for any details, and leave it at that.

I've spent HOURS thinking about this in my own situation - and this is easily the method I feel most comfortable with. Thankfully, I haven't had to do it, but it was close.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

No offense Gabe but i still wonder if you will make it


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

None taken.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Whether or not the kids have a good relationship with their mother depends on her not you.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

chaos said:


> Whether or not the kids have a good relationship with their mother depends on her not you.


I realize that. I just don't want to be the one to destroy it. I think the kids deserve to understand some of what went on so they don't think they're to blame. But I'm just not sure how far to take the truth because I don't want to destroy they're relationship with their mother. The whole truth might ruin it all. And to be quite honest, she's a good mother. Just not a good wife.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> I realize that. I just don't want to be the one to destroy it. I think the kids deserve to understand some of what went on so they don't think they're to blame. But I'm just not sure how far to take the truth because I don't want to destroy they're relationship with their mother. The whole truth might ruin it all. And to be quite honest, she's a good mother. Just not a good wife.


 She was willing to ignore the needs of her children in pursuing a relationship that would end her marraige. This selfish act does not reflect well on her as a good mother. 

As for what to tell them, tell them about the affair. They are old enough to know the truth. Answer all their questions, but do not go into details that they do not ask for. Let them tell you how much they need to know. Be prepared for their mother blame shifting and reinventing history to make you look like the bad guy. Good luck. No one is perfect but you did nothing to deserve this.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Sat down with the kids on saturday and had a long talk with them about things that happened. Told them all the things that both their mother and I did wrong to damage our marriage. I brought up the fact that their mother had feelings for someone else that she couldn't let go of. My daughter corrected me and said that mom and that guy were just good friends. I asked her if she wanted to know the truth and she said yes. I explained to her that they were more than just good friends. There was a relationship between them. I let it go at that. 

Last night my soon to be ex calls and is furious that I told our kids that she was having an affair. After hanging up on her several times, she finally calmed down so we could have a discussion. I explained to her that affair and sex never were mentioned. I told her what I said and she was still really upset with this saying the kids didn't need to know.

All I was trying to do was to be honest with my kids so that when they grow up they can hopefully avoid the mistakes their mother and I made. The truth will come out sooner or later. Better to tell them now than to accidentally find out later.

My son is really upset that his mother told my daughter that i was basically lying. Had to calm him down after that one!!

BTW, she asked that I have the kids this past weekend, she had plans. Yup, she's already seeing him again. Guess my daughter will SEE the truth soon enough.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here. Please continue in your current path. You do deserve better and need to go forward with divorce. I don't think there is anything to be gained by remaining in a relationship with this woman. You children will eventually understand. Just be the best parent you can be.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She's making it easier for you to change your user name, isn't she?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

CD,
I think you were wise to have that discussion with the kids.

They need to have their eyes wide open As you move towards D.

Your wife is very selfish. She wanted you to lie to your kids. Do not compromise your values for her.

Keep moving forward. Your kids will see her behavior and know which parent has their act together and respects them and in turn will know who they can trust more.

Sad but true.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Well, the D papers are in the soon to be ex's hands at this very moment. I'm so anxious for her to sign them that it's making her hesitate. She thinks I'm up to something. And I am !!! I want to be away from her. Can't wait for this nightmare to be over so I can move on.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am glad things are moving along. Good luck to you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good for you. Get the D and get on with your life.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Glad you are able to move on with your life.....Here's to new beginnings, I hope all goes well for you! Take it easy and take it slow!


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Holy cow!! She just texted me to let me know that she signed them and put them in my mailbox. Happy Birthday to me!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Awesome!! Now go find that girlfriend you jilted and win her back.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

The process of winning back the girlfriend has already commenced !!:smthumbup:


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Ah, the selfishness continues. Despite the fact that we have 2 kids and one would think a decent mother would want her kids to have the same last name as her to avoid confusion/problems, she's decided to change her name back to her maiden name. Always thinking of herself. Quite the piece of work she is.

I need to keep reminding myself that I'm better off with her having a different last name as me. The more separation the better.


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