# Long story and need guidance



## Samsqanche (Aug 24, 2012)

To begin with, I post here for advice, not harsh remarks or judgment. With that said, here is my story and a pre “thank you so much”. 

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and dated for 3. We have two children and although our marriage has been very rocky for the last 3 or so years, there is no abuse or anything of that nature. She has cheated here and there throughout our relationship, never sex (that I know of) at least until recently (more later). She has a very hard time being honest about her problems and her mistakes and has always been very, very defensive when it comes to talking about them. She is, however a genuine person and I know that she has never done anything with intentions to hurt me. We are both military, joined pretty much right out of high school, and i separated about a year ago to let her have her career. I did immediately get a good job as a civilian. We are both now 25 years old. 
She went on a temporary assignment (3 months) from JAN to MAY of this year. I eventually found out about the infidelity, which was sleeping together, but for 3 months she denied it relentlessly. She came back from this TDY wanting a divorce, wanting to try to build a relationship with this new guy, who was also married and coming home asking for a divorce. I was unable to handle any of this properly and knew that if we were ever going to be able to fix our marriage, I was going to have to leave; so I took a job in Afghanistan for one year. When I left she immediately ran to this guys arms, after swearing she never cheated nor wanted to build a relationship with him. 
After about 3 weeks of me being gone, she also cheated on this man with a new guy she met, and started a relationship with him. They have been sleeping together and he has been staying at my house, in my bed, with my children home. She says they never seem him there, but they do go out a lot together and take the kids along with them. My oldest is 4 and has no idea the divorce is coming. He is very smart and very perceptive so I am very afraid he will eventually do the math. It breaks my heart that we will not be the ones to tell him if this does happen. 
We have been legally separated for about 3 months now, and she is planning to file for a divorce as soon as she can afford it (I refuse to help with the expense and she understands). She is asking me to not give up on her, and we were in this strange state of, she wants a divorce to find herself, to be completely free to make a decision on what she truly wants. I agreed to this for a while, but being recently enlightened on all the new information, I am finding it very hard to keep any faith in her at all… I feel very guilty because I know she is very lost in her life right now and she is very afraid. She is not a very strong person and not very confident or secure with herself. I have always been there to support her and give her what she needed. It is hard for me to give up on her but I feel like her unwillingness to deal with her problems and truly “find herself” is causing me too much heartache and ultimately causing me to lose the sense of who I am. We have been a lot more open with each other as of late and she has begun to be more honest. It seems she does truly care, but is so so lost. I truly love her unconditionally and want nothing more than for her to be happy, but at what point do I let this go and give up? How much more do I put myself through for the sake of the family. I don’t want to throw in the towel, but I am starting to feel like I really need to.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Samsqanche said:


> To begin with, I post here for advice, not harsh remarks or judgment. With that said, here is my story and a pre “thank you so much”.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 5 years and dated for 3. We have two children and although our marriage has been very rocky for the last 3 or so years, there is no abuse or anything of that nature. She has cheated here and there throughout our relationship, never sex (that I know of) at least until recently (more later). She has a very hard time being honest about her problems and her mistakes and has always been very, very defensive when it comes to talking about them. She is, however a genuine person and I know that she has never done anything with intentions to hurt me. We are both military, joined pretty much right out of high school, and i separated about a year ago to let her have her career. I did immediately get a good job as a civilian. We are both now 25 years old.
> She went on a temporary assignment (3 months) from JAN to MAY of this year. I eventually found out about the infidelity, which was sleeping together, but for 3 months she denied it relentlessly. She came back from this TDY wanting a divorce, wanting to try to build a relationship with this new guy, who was also married and coming home asking for a divorce. I was unable to handle any of this properly and knew that if we were ever going to be able to fix our marriage, I was going to have to leave; so I took a job in Afghanistan for one year. When I left she immediately ran to this guys arms, after swearing she never cheated nor wanted to build a relationship with him.
> ...


Are either of you in IC? What about MC?


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

She needs to be responsible for her actions. She is constantly breaking promises and this isnt good for you, your children and your family. This is also setting up a terrible example for your kids. You sounds like a very nice guy but you need to stop feeling bad for her and get yourself out of this situation. My guess is she will come back to you at some point but even then you need to stay strong and build a different life for you and for your kids.


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## Samsqanche (Aug 24, 2012)

No MC. As I stated, I am currently overseas and have taken up IC as well as yoga and a few more "self help" type classes, mainly just for mind clarity; to get my hour or so of peace per day. She refused to go to MC before I left because she didn't believe there was anything we could do to fix the problems. I think it was ust her unwillingness to want to do it. I told her last night I agreed with the divorce and really want to want it. If that makes sense. 
She told me before I left she was going to go to IC to try to work out her problems but has made no effort to "fix herself" outside of her new relationships. I know these new relationships are making her happy, but I am afraid in the end they are going to hurt her more because she has serious problems when it comes to needing affirmation from men. Her dad is a scum so I attest a lot of her issues with men to how he handled his relationships and I am very afraid this is what my children will also have to face due to her refusing to fix herself.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Samsqanche said:


> No MC. As I stated, I am currently overseas and have taken up IC as well as yoga and a few more "self help" type classes, mainly just for mind clarity; to get my hour or so of peace per day. She refused to go to MC before I left because she didn't believe there was anything we could do to fix the problems. I think it was ust her unwillingness to want to do it. I told her last night I agreed with the divorce and really want to want it. If that makes sense.
> She told me before I left she was going to go to IC to try to work out her problems but has made no effort to "fix herself" outside of her new relationships. I know these new relationships are making her happy, but I am afraid in the end they are going to hurt her more because she has serious problems when it comes to needing affirmation from men. Her dad is a scum so I attest a lot of her issues with men to how he handled his relationships and I am very afraid this is what my children will also have to face due to her refusing to fix herself.


Sam, this is only your problem insofar as it affects your children. And there is little you can do about it beyond raising them on your time in a way that demonstrates healthy relationships. Also, should you notice signs that their thinking is being skewed, get them into counselling. 

You can't control or change her. If she is indeed following through with IC, it will take time. You can't expect to see changes overnight. 

If she ends up getting hurt, hopefully it will be a learning process for her.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

You cant keep thinking for her. She is destroying your and your childrens life too.


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