# Boyfriend staying distant for days after arguments.....



## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Hello ,

Thank you for reading.

I am a woman in my 30's.. 
I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years. 

Every time we argue -by "argue" i don't mean screaming, just having different views on something and talking about it- he becomes distant and stays that way for days... (longest period of distance was 6 weeks)

the following is what i mean by he becomes "distant"

1) he will not talk/chat with me much or he will stop talking/chatting altogether
2) he will not be loving towards me (not using the pet names he usually uses, no kisses)
3) sometimes after an argument he will send the usual texts we exchange. sometimes he won't. 


usual texts are good morning, good night, take care, go home safely and message me, did you have lunch etc (we both work at places where sometimes we won't get to have lunch till 2.30pm so we ask whether each other had time for lunch) 

when he is not sending the usual texts, he won't even reply when i send the usual texts.

when he is stopping these usual texts altogether i feel wow he does not care about me at all... love is caring about each other even when you are angry...




when a couple argues and then when the man/woman is angry, i can understand these 3 things happening for a few hours or a day or two. but him behaving that way for days is a problem for me... when he is doing these 

1) i feel like he does not love me (for the 1st few hours and a day or two i think "he is angry, he will be okay ") but when it goes on and he continues this behavior i feel like he doesn't love me because if he loved me would he do these things continuously knowing these actions hurt me?

2)i feel like i am being punished for expressing my opinion

3) i feel "does he care about me or not?"

4) It just dampens my mood ... i try to forget it and move on and be okay till he becomes normal again. but it's hard when i feel anxiety and sadness .



i will describe what happens after an argument step by step

1-- after an argument i become normal in a few hours and i behave like i do usually. he becomes distant.
(i don't expect him to behave like he does usually just because i became my usual self. i wait. everybody takes different time periods to be back to normal after an argument, i am just thinking it shall be a reasonable time period) 

2-- if i do not reach out after an argument, he wont message or call. it is always me who has to contact him. once it went for 6 weeks till i reached out. that time it was because i cut the landline (my work phone)when he called me. i cut the line because i was at work and close to tears because of somethings he said.

3-- then when he starts talking but does not behave in the usual way, i request him please forget the argument, please try.


4-- then 


every time

he says 

" i am distant from you, i won't ever use pet names again, i won't be loving towards you"


the pain, suffering, anxiety and sadness i go through because of him saying this is huge... i worry thinking i won't ever be properly loved again.... 

5-- i try to talk with him, i say i won't argue again, etc then i guess when he feels i have been punished enough, he behaves in the usual way. 

he says he is hurt and that is why he is distant. but i feel he is dragging it on to punish me.


apart from this behavior after an argument i have noticed the following things

*the moment what i am saying is opposed to what he is saying , he becomes distant

*I don't get to express myself freely.he says "i am done talking about this, don't talk to me about this" when we argue about something... (i think if one partner can't talk about something at the moment they shall talk about it later, without trying to make the other partner silent) 

*now i am afraid of arguing about anything in the fear that he will become distant.

* every time i am the one who is saying "sorry" it seems nothing is ever his fault and he isn't sorry ever. 

* he seems to be a person who holds grudges and resents. not someone who forgives and forgets. 



my questions are,

1) Is his behavior normal ? (i asked my friends and they say oh no we argue, but at the end of the day we forget it and move on)

2) how can we develop a healthy mechanism using which we can argue but bounce back to normal in a reasonable time?

3) could his behavior be classified as "silent treatment"/ "withholding love"? is it psychological abuse? 



i will give an example of an argument. this one is the latest. i told him about someone famous getting engaged, i read about it on the news and mentioned it casually, he asked "why do you search stuff about them?" i said i didn't search for it, it was on the news.and i like reading news and being informed... he said why search about others and i said it is no harm to anyone it's not like i went to that person's house to spy on them.. why is this a problem.... he said " ah i thought you went to their house to spy on them, no i don't have a problem with it, i am not trying to stop you" etc etc...


and then he became distant. this was on Sep 27th and he still is not replying my texts. i mean it seems ridiculous to me.... i keep asking everyday did you reach home safely? but he wont even reply that... God... i just feel stuck... what do i do?



any help will be really appreciated.. 

we do not live together... ,I am not from USA or a Western country, so there are some cultural differences between i think the majority of the members of this forum and me.I mentioned this thinking it will help you understand the problem better. 


and these arguments happen maybe once a month or so....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

After 4 years, this is who he is and you’ve seen it all along. You just need to decide for yourself if you want to feel this way forever or not. He is not likely to change.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your BF is exhibiting passive aggressive behavior. It is not good for any relationship. Your other description of what he does it appears to me he need professional help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a form of abuse and you would do well to get the hell away from him.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> Hello ,
> 
> i mean it seems ridiculous to me.... i keep asking everyday did you reach home safely? but he wont even reply that... God... i just feel stuck... what do i do?



Find a new bf.

This one is a dud.

Over the top passive/aggressive.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Instead of worrying about your boyfriend's problems (and problems they are), you should be wondering about why you tolerate such behavior.

There are literally billions of men in the world, why would you stay with one that you know does this.

Ghost him for six weeks and see how he reacts.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

passive aggressive to the extreme.

no, this is not normal. especially after petty arguments over silly things like you describe.

i think many of us have some measure of passive/aggressiveness, ranging from maybe a small bit to full blown P/A, but your bf sounds at the extreme end of the scale.

I myself have P/A tendencies which i got from my dad. i work on it, pray about it, and fight myself. usually, i can resolve in in a hour or two, most at at one or two days max, but weeks????

not good!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

At this point he has stopped replying to you or reaching out over a discussion about a celebrity engagement? :surprise: I would NOT reach out to him ever again. He is bad news!! What's going to happen when you have a real argument or disagreement about something that is important? Nope, his behavior is not normal and he is giving you the perfect chance to escape his madness. Consider yourself broken up at this point and move on with your life. Find someone who can handle a disagreement without emotionally blackmailing you into agreeing with him and apologizing for having your own opinion about things.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Sometimes passive aggressive behavior is misconstrued with just not being very emotionally responsive.
Be careful jumping to conclusions here, he's not a woman, do not expect him to act like one.
He's not likely to change if that's what your looking for.. 


He's not going to change....leave him if you don't like his behavior. 
"Ghost him for six weeks and see how he reacts"...yes try this...

Seriously tho:
How attractive is he? 1-10
How independent and self reliant is he? 1-10

There's a reason you're still with him after 4 years....His behavior is not new to you.
You ghost him and he's gone. That may be what you want.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Not normal.
They don't even sound like arguments, more differences of opinion, and a bit controlling.

Like others have said, don't reach out to him. If he wants you, he will come to you.
Or maybe he is too stubborn and wont.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Wow 

You have been tolerating this childish behavior for
four years. This is not a man that you are dating.
This is a child, some will call it PA or something else.
I call it childish behavior and controlling. You just simply
told him about someone famous and he got upset. That is
childish,stupid, and many more things I could say. Since 
you do not live together let him go. This has nothing to do
with cultural differences, this is not a grown man but a child.
Let him go and find someone better!! 

You sound like a very nice, caring and loving young person.
It shows that you care about him. Asking him if he had time to 
eat lunch, if he made it home safe, good morning, good night etc.
I bet if he catches a cold you worry about him ? To good for him
and his childish pouting. Emotional abuse also. 

The next time or this time he becomes distant, put a lot of distance 
between you and him. He may try and come crawling back but you have 
been with him for four years and know how he is. Leaving will hurt but 
staying will continue to hurt more. 

You deserve better, it shows.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I’m a sulker. 

But this is abusive, manipulative, childish behaviour that isn’t likely to change.

“Boyfriend, this behaviour needs to end and we need to talk to a therapist together about it. I cannot stay in this relationship if it’s going to continue. I have made an appointment for us at X time. I need you to commit to ending this behaviour.”


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Marduk said:


> I’m a sulker.


Stop that! :x


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is not a cultural thing. He is being this way to punish you. He probably gets some sort of pleasure from this because he keeps doing it and every time you kowtow to him. 

Yes, its abusive. You are are grown woman and should be able to express your opinions as you wish. T
One reason we get into relationships is to be able to hold conversations with our love ones, to be safe and not judged for expressing ourselves. If that's the way he always reacts then dont expect him to change and become the loving engaging boyfriend you hoped for.

Life is short. You wasted 4 years with this child. Dont waste 4 more.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You know who and what he is. Take it or leave it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This is 100% emotional abuse. My ex husband use to do this to me and it was terrible. He also was unable to say sorry ever. I remember telling him... we have never had makeup sex because we never ever “ makeup” or resolve our issues, be just gives it time and then drops it. 

It’s emotional abuse and you deserve better. Run away from this man he does not care about your feelings.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

With all your well said objective information you've got to know it isn't the way a good relationship is conducted. 

There's a 99% or more chance he will never change. 

You've got to decide if you can live with his behavior or not. Better for you it's a big not.

You may be letting being comfortable hold you back.

Live better, make a change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Having to walk around on eggshells all the time gets very tiring and draining. In a sense you are enabling his behaviour by always having to make the first move and say sorry. Is this how you want to live all your life?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> 1) Is his behavior normal ? (i asked my friends and they say oh no we argue, but at the end of the day we forget it and move on)


For you to be in a relationship that does not yet involve a marital commitment, this seems like really bad news. Generally further down the road problems and arguments will get much more serious (as in how to help each other care for parents or a child with disabilities). If you can't handle the simple stuff, then that is a huge red flag. 




> 2) how can we develop a healthy mechanism using which we can argue but bounce back to normal in a reasonable time?


Sounds like you are doing exactly that. Your partner not so much. It takes teamwork. 



> 3) could his behavior be classified as "silent treatment"/ "withholding love"? is it psychological abuse?


That is probably one of the most common battlefields of long term relationships. It is inevitable to happen at some point. The question is if the relationship grow stronger as a result of working through issues or if you push each other apart and the relationship ends. People that grow too close and dependent on one another commonly withhold love as a way to force the relationship to maintain better differentiation and emotional independence. Once it achieves that, the relationship grows as a result. 

Given a choice to work through difficult situations and grow into a better person as a result, you are with someone that chooses to run away from their problems and avoid growing up into a mature adult. You DON'T want that. You want someone that can stay calm in arguments, see both sides of an issue, and work with you as a team to address the things that are within the ability to change.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

https://pairedlife.com/problems/silent-treatment-abuse


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He keeps showing you who he is and you keep hoping he'll change. He doesn't want to. It's a form of control and he enjoys it when you keep trying to get his attention when he's having one of his passive-aggressive sulking and pouting little fits like a toddler. It's all about him. 

You have two choices: stay and tolerate it for however long he decides to play that game each time or move on and find a grown-up to be in a relationship with. I know which one I'd be doing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Who wants to one argument away from alone and sad?

It sounds more that he tolerates you, more than he loves you.

I see a religious/cultural... biased upbringing here. 

Are you that second class citizen that we have all heard about?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Didn't even get through the whole post. This is manipulative, controlling abusive behavior. At this point love doesn't enter into it. He may indeed love you, but that doesn't mean he is good for you. If fact he is very bad. My one wife went through this and it has left her with PTSD. She gets scared, unusually so, when we disagree with her, cowering and apologizing. She's better about it now after years of our husband working with her and then my legal wife and I adding to that when they moved in with us. But she still flashes back. This is not walk away territory, it's major red flag run away!

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@hgcc2 It's not normal behaviour. Would relationship counselling help, possibly?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Ooo I got 28 years of this behaviour to give you how this is going to look.

I’m on my way out the door for an appointment, but I’m gonna comment on this one when I’m back.

Short version:
get out now. He won’t change. You’ll end up in IC or on anti depressants because you are convinced there is something wrong with you.

There isn’t.

It’s bull, heartless immature behaviour. Few hours or overnight is enough. Anything more is abuse.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> Hello ,
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> ...


gosh. Enough. Please just leave. 

You are worth so much more and he does NOT deserve you. Please stop texting him. He is basking in his control of you. 

Block his number on your phone, delete the conversation string so you won’t be tempted to reach out. Then move forward and stay busy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

He is passive-aggressive, immature, and tries to actively manipulate you with this type of behavior.
NO it is not normal for a MAN who is an adult and who takes responsibility for his own actions.
You do need to decide if you want to continue putting up with this -- maybe you should give him some of his own medicine and when HE does this, you don't send the "normal" messages either. If he asks, you can just tell him when he can stop being childish, then you can talk.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> He is passive-aggressive, immature, and tries to actively manipulate you with this type of behavior.
> NO it is not normal for a MAN who is an adult and who takes responsibility for his own actions.
> You do need to decide if you want to continue putting up with this -- maybe you should give him some of his own medicine and when HE does this, you don't send the "normal" messages either. If he asks, you can just tell him when he can stop being childish, then you can talk.


I have to respectfully disagree with you jlg07 with regards to how to handle this. DO NOT ENGAGE THIS GUY. You are playing into his game.

Block him and ignore. He is a narcissist to the extreme and I dare say a bit of a sociopath, delighting in his psychological control of you while he TELLS you that he is controlling/punishing you.

These people are best left to entertain themselves. Away from normal society. 

Back away slowly, cut off contact and don’t look back. Go ghost.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Seriously tho:
> How attractive is he? 1-10
> How independent and self reliant is he? 1-10
> 
> ...


he is attractive, and he is very loving and caring at other times... 

it seems most of the men are flirting with other women via fb chat/drinking too much/being too tightfisted etc etc...(problems some friends are going through) he does not has these issues...

he remembers most of the things i discuss with him

he sends me flowers 


he will go out at his lunch time to get me random things i love (like a chocolate or a face cream)


i feel like he is very good and matching to me (our tastes in everything) except for this issue..... which is sadly starting to outweigh all his good qualities


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> This is 100% emotional abuse. My ex husband use to do this to me and it was terrible. He also was unable to say sorry ever. I remember telling him... we have never had makeup sex because we never ever “ makeup” or resolve our issues, be just gives it time and then drops it.
> 
> It’s emotional abuse and you deserve better. Run away from this man he does not care about your feelings.


i always feel while i am ready to talk, discuss and settle whatever the issue is , he is very avoidant of conflict and he hopes to sweep the issue under the carpet by being distant... 



yes... i feel he does not care about my feelings... i have specifically told him very calmly that when he behaves like this it hurts me....


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> @hgcc2 It's not normal behaviour. Would relationship counselling help, possibly?


i am willing to try.. he isn't....


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

This is emotional abuse. He seems to me (as others have said) to be a passive-aggressive, gaslighting control freak. 

No, I doubt he will ever change. 

You need to boogie out of this relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> i am willing to try.. he isn't....


Then, sadly, I think he has already given his answer as to the future of your relationship.

It's like you two are sat, side-by-side, in a rowing boat. You have taken up your oar and are rowing. But he is sat back, his oar untouched.

This means that you are constantly tired, your muscles are always aching, but your rowing boat is just going round in circles as the boat heads for the rapids.

Time for you to swim to safety.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

i want to say a big thank you for all the replies... 

yesterday evening, i had tears in my eyes while i typed the post... but i really wanted to type everything i felt.. and i did..

i couldn't talk about this problem with my friends or my mom (when i asked the friends if their husbands/BFs fight and stay angry for days i made it sound like a general question. i didn't specifically say i am having this problem) 

so after typing everything i felt like i shared my problem with someone and that made me feel better...

but even after that i was worried that the replies would say "it is your fault for arguing with him" because he says "it's your fault for making me angry" after reading the replies i am just so glad to know that this is not the normal behavior and i am justified in hoping to finish an argument and behave like we usually do in a reasonable time frame.. 


i tried asking one time "how much time do you need to calm down and return to normal?" and he said "oh i have to tell you how many days i want, do i? no i can't tell you that" 

this being angry for days thing is making me think "will he break up with me" so i am not feeling secure in this relationship... that's why i asked that question so that i would have the safety of knowing that he will return after x or y days.. but he says "no it won't happen the way you want" i guess he enjoys keeping me is suspense...?


almost all of you have told me that he won't change and that i shall break up... 
i love this man and i do want to try to see if this behavior can be changed... is there anything i can do...? i thought maybe i shall write him a letter explaining my feelings, how i feel when he does this... but then again, i think he already knows how i feel and doesn't care..... 




i think he might be not having the skills to handle an argument at all... because what i see as an argument, he sees as a fight... even if i am texting him about a different opinion than his own, he texts back saying "don't fight"


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The problem is, you BF does not see he has a problem. He believes he is in the right to act like a child. He will not change this behavior unless he wants to change this behavior. I get a feeling your BF also has anger issues. Does your BF understand what he is doing amounts to abuse?

Look up the definition of anger issues and lashing out at ones significant other. It all amounts to abusive behavior. A behavior he will need to want to change. You can't change him.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

No, you cannot change him and you cannot fix him. The only thing you can do is stand up for yourself and not accept being treated that way. If he wants to treat his girlfriend that way, he can get a new one. If he wants to change, he will change.

Having standards is a good thing. Refusing to be mistreated is a good thing.

There might be good parts of the relationship, but sitting at a computer, feeling alone, and crying while you describe your feelings are not signs of a good relationship. In fact, the good times are just a drug that you medicate yourself with to endure the bad times. It isn't worth it, and even if you do love him (which you might just be more codependent than in love), he doesn't love you or he doesn't know how to love.

Ultimately, you cannot change him, you can just let the natural consequences of his actions occur. If you treat your spouse like this, they leave.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Stormguy2018 said:


> This is emotional abuse. He seems to me (as others have said) to be a passive-aggressive, gaslighting control freak.
> 
> No, I doubt he will ever change.
> 
> You need to boogie out of this relationship.


speaking about gaslighting, after he stays silent for days,and then starts communicating little by little after i say sorry etc, i casually ask him " are you still angry" and he will say "no i am not angry" well, if he is not angry, he can behave in the usual way... (i ask the question in the hope that he will say no i am not angry anymore and he will start behaving normally.. )

it's like there is a huge elephant in the room and when i ask from the other room " is the elephant in the room? " even though i can hear the sounds the elephant is making, he ll tell me no the elephant is not in the room.... (i don't know if that's a good example, sorry, english is not my 1st language)


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it almost sounds to me like the real problem is that he has major anger issues and he needs to get to the bottom of this and deal with it.

at this point in his life, he's not really good relationship material.

he may be loving and caring at times, but that one big flaw is very potentially fatal for a relationship.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> i always feel while i am ready to talk, discuss and settle whatever the issue is , he is very avoidant of conflict and he hopes to sweep the issue under the carpet by being distant...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yup. I have dealt with this for years with my ex. He will never change just to let you know. And you deserve better.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Look up passive aggressive personality. That’s what my ex had and it sounds like your boyfriend has it too. I thought I was going crazy because I kept explaining it to him over and over and over and he still didn’t get it. It was exhausting. I will never forget one time I was just exhausting and I was crying and I was like I am so tired of explaining basic respect to you. I’m tired of explaining basic things that toddlers understand. 

I then researched passive aggressive personality and realized it wasn’t me going crazy.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

hgcc2 said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> > Seriously tho:
> ...


This is what you need to tell him. His behavior is eroding the relationship and your feelings for him and it will continue to until there is nothing left unless it changes.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> speaking about gaslighting, after he stays silent for days,and then starts communicating little by little after i say sorry etc, i casually ask him " are you still angry" and he will say "no i am not angry" well, if he is not angry, he can behave in the usual way... (i ask the question in the hope that he will say no i am not angry anymore and he will start behaving normally.. )
> 
> it's like there is a huge elephant in the room and when i ask from the other room " is the elephant in the room? " even though i can hear the sounds the elephant is making, he ll tell me no the elephant is not in the room.... (i don't know if that's a good example, sorry, english is not my 1st language)


All of this is manipulation, likely so you’ll validate him while letting him hold all the power.

It will end when you walk away. If he does this again, just leave. Don’t call, text, or contact him in any way. Just go do things that are fun on your own.

My guess is he’ll either never call you (which is good) or he’ll call you wanting to talk (which is also good). If it’s the latter, say “I’m not going to stay and be treated like this. You need to get over stuff in a healthy way if we’re going to continue. Next time you do this, I’m going to walk away for good - not because I don’t care about you, but because I need to also care about me.”


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> almost all of you have told me that he won't change and that i shall break up...
> i love this man and i do want to try to see if this behavior can be changed... is there anything i can do...? i thought maybe i shall write him a letter explaining my feelings, how i feel when he does this... but then again, i think he already knows how i feel and doesn't care.....


The only thing I have ever seen work under these circumstances if to set a boundary. People say that ultimatums don't work, but sometimes they do. When things get this bad they are really the only hope, but it is a slim hope. What you tell him is that this is hurting you and your aren't going to tolerate it any longer. If he agrees to therapy with you and then individually once the issues is established to work through, and if he shows significant improvement, then you will stay, but if he doesn't the relationship is over.

You apologizing to him is enabling him and making him think he's doing just fine. You are lying to him in order to keep him. That's not a healthy situation.

If you do give him an ultimatum, he has to know that he cannot do this to you again - ever. You will go to therapy with him for the sake of being supportive, but this is his issue that he has to resolve and you aren't going to tolerate or enable it any longer. He does it again and he's out.

Other than that option, I don't think there's hope. He has to have a reason to change or he never will. So far you've been making this behavior work for him. The more you do that, the worse he'll get.

Here is an article I wrote about the principle of how rewarding bad behavior makes it worse: http://thefemininereview.com/marriage/how-to-get-your-husband-to-treat-you-better


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your first post you listed this

"i will give an example of an argument. this one is the latest. i told him about someone famous getting engaged, i read about it on the news and mentioned it casually, he asked "why do you search stuff about them?" i said i didn't search for it, it was on the news.and i like reading news and being informed... he said why search about others and i said it is no harm to anyone it's not like i went to that person's house to spy on them.. why is this a problem.... he said " ah i thought you went to their house to spy on them, no i don't have a problem with it, i am not trying to stop you" etc etc..."

This is not an argument.

He is punishing you for having different thoughts! 

Think about this. Whether he knows it instinctively or explicitly for most women having a connection through talk and closeness make us feel safe and loved. It is why we normally enter relationships.

So if you behave like a perfect little doll and agree with him in EVERY way then he rewards you with decent BF behavior. HOWEVER, the minute you have a thought that he doesn't agree with then he goes WWIII on you and withdraws all the benefits of a relationship to get you to submit to his thoughts. To get you to say you are sorry and to learn your lesson. He'll keep at this until he has you making every thought and move about what do you have to say or do to make him happy so he doesn't work on actively making you unhappy. THAT'S BS. You are already starting to exhibit these behaviors. Please ask yourself what would happen if you had kids, do you think you and him are going to agree on EVERY decision about raising a child? What if you disagreed on a big position like spanking, schooling, religion, contact with family. What if he decides he doesn't want your family around your child. 

PLEASE see the future. You do not want to live this way. He isn't willing to even try therapy. I know when he's rewarding you with the relationship then it feels good. But this is nothing more than pavlov's dog. He's training you. If he truly had feelings for you he would disappear for weeks at a time because of small issues. 

Get out. Get out now. Use this current silent and **** treatment as your perfect opportunity to dump him. Just delete his number (after you block it). Move on. When and if he ever shows up to accept your apology tell him you've realized you two are too different people with no way of real communicating and that with his inflexibility you need to find a better partner. Then for fun end with 'Cause celebrity lives are very important to me, I'm thinking of becoming a paparazzi' Thank you, Next.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Anastasia6 just described my ex husband. He used the silent treatment often, actually more and more as time went on. And it would be over ridiculous crap like the celebrity example stated here! So I was always left going, WTF... Never an apology, ever. I mean clearly it was always MY fault for having different thoughts or opinions on stuff. How did I handle it? At first I would tiptoe around him and do things to try an appease him. As time went on though and this kept happening, I just lived AROUND him like he wasnt even there. Eventually I divorced his hateful, negative ass.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

hgcc2 said:


> speaking about gaslighting, after he stays silent for days,and then starts communicating little by little *after i say sorry* etc, i casually ask him " are you still angry" and he will say "no i am not angry" well, if he is not angry, he can behave in the usual way... (i ask the question in the hope that he will say no i am not angry anymore and he will start behaving normally.. )
> 
> it's like there is a huge elephant in the room and when i ask from the other room " is the elephant in the room? " even though i can hear the sounds the elephant is making, he ll tell me no the elephant is not in the room.... (i don't know if that's a good example, sorry, english is not my 1st language)


Does he ever apologize to you for his behaviour?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He would have to want to change and he apparently doesn't want to. If you've discussed this with him, and have gotten nowhere, then your choice is to live with it or move on.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Ursula said:


> Does he ever apologize to you for his behaviour?


never. i am the one who say i am sorry if i hurt you...


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> never. i am the one who say i am sorry if i hurt you...




My God... why do you put up with this toddler?


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## GodInyou (Oct 9, 2019)

stupid boyfriend


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

hgcc2 said:


> i am willing to try.. he isn't....


 That's obvious.

For some strange reason, you've clung to the guy like grim death for 4 years and allowed him to DISRESPECT you over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over - and you're STILL looking for ways to stay with this fool.

I think when you're able to find your pride and dignity again, you'll realize that you've already wasted 4 years of your life on some emotionally stunted man-child and won't stand for wasting one more* minute *of it this childish, disrespectful nonsense.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> never. i am the one who say i am sorry if i hurt you...


Stop saying you are sorry for his behavior!! You have every right to
express your thoughts and feelings about anything you want. When you
told him about someone famous that should have been a simple discussion.
Not an all out argument !! When he buys you special stuff, flowers, candy etc.
Is this after an argument or when he is scared you might leave ? He may just 
be doing these things just to pull you back in. Then back to the same emotional 
abuse again. Its all about him and controlling you. Not good and will never change.

Narcissistic behavior maybe ?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds like some kind of perceived control mechanism on his part!

Have you two tried joint or individual counseling to address this behavior?
*


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> never. i am the one who say i am sorry if i hurt you...



Your BF appears to have stopped growing mentally at about the age of 5. Reconsider this relationship. It will never change.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

One sided relationship!!

You= loving and caring, willing to work on it

Him=- emotionally stunted and distant 

Solution= Run more distance the better.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

hgcc2 said:


> never. i am the one who say i am sorry if i hurt you...


I would say that if he never apologizes or owns up to anything, that is a giant red flag. My XH was like that, and my immediate family is as well. This type of behaviour drives me batty because no one can possibly be that perfect to never, ever do/say anything wrong. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength to admit wrongdoing and continue to build upon the relationship. To never apologize or own up to anything just makes a person a giant jerk and unapproachable in the long-term. And, it also really affects the person that it’s happening to (you, in this case). It’s just wrong.

If I were you, I would just stop. I don’t mean that there should be drama or a big argument. Or even mentioning anything to him. Just stop and disengage. Personally, I would stop, disengage and run for the hills to find someone who treats me well, but leaving him is up to you. If you do stay, I would start treating him more like how he treats you. Stop apologizing, stop doing things for him, stop catering to him and giving into him. And, I also would never marry someone like that either; if you do, you’re setting yourself up for a life of stress, drama and unhappiness. Take it from me, the person who married someone like that, and then got divorced 4 years later when I couldn’t take anymore.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I can guess that if you stop calling him, once he realizes that you are pulling away, he will turn on the charm long enough to get you emotionally invested in him again. Then when he has lured you back in, he'll start his gameplaying again.

This man is not healthy for you. The longer you are with him, the worse you will feel, about yourself, about life, about him. You will also become more codependent on him, and it will be harder to leave. You'll have a love-hate addiction to him.

Break up with him the next time he contacts you. When he contacts you again, just hang up, or shut the door in his face. If he follows you somewhere to corner you and proclaim his love for you, tell him that if he bothers you again, you will call the police.

I had to do that with a boyfriend when I was in college. He didn't appreciate me, except when I broke up with him.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

sa58 said:


> Not an all out argument !! When he buys you special stuff, flowers, candy etc.
> Is this after an argument or when he is scared you might leave ?


no... he does the sweet stuff when we are not having arguments...


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> *Sounds like some kind of perceived control mechanism on his part!
> 
> Have you two tried joint or individual counseling to address this behavior?
> *


he doesn't want to go..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

despite all of you saying break up, i am still hoping i can find a way to improve the situation. i really do love him ... and he is perfect in every other way except this issue... maybe i am stupid...

the thought that "if he loves me how can he knowingly hurt me" is starting to occupy a big part of my mind though...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> despite all of you saying break up, i am still hoping i can find a way to improve the situation. i really do love him ... and he is perfect in every other way except this issue... maybe i am stupid...
> 
> the thought that "if he loves me how can he knowingly hurt me" is starting to occupy a big part of my mind though...


You can't improve the situation.

He's broken.

You really really really really should heed the advice you are getting here from people who have been in situations like yours.

One day you will think back upon this, and finally get it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> despite all of you saying break up, i am still hoping i can find a way to improve the situation. i really do love him ... and he is perfect in every other way except this issue... maybe i am stupid...
> 
> the thought that "if he loves me how can he knowingly hurt me" is starting to occupy a big part of my mind though...


*Then get yourself into IC and see if some of that advice will in any way rub off on him!*


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> despite all of you saying break up, i am still hoping i can find a way to improve the situation. i really do love him ... and he is perfect in every other way except this issue... maybe i am stupid...
> 
> the thought that "if he loves me how can he knowingly hurt me" is starting to occupy a big part of my mind though...


You have been feeling this way for four years.
Wondering why does he do this ? It shows you
really do love him. That is one of the reasons I
think you maybe blaming yourself. You do nothing
wrong but say your sorry. You are struggling and 
hoping to find away to fix things. He is not. 

This situation is not good for you. How are you
is my concern? That is why I am saying you need 
some distance. Time for you to think, do you want to 
keep going through this or not. Counseling for you. 
Time without the gifts and sweet things he gives. 
Time to decide if you really feel loved and want to
continue ?

Time for YOU, without his influence around. It will be
a very hard thing to do. Maybe giving up the person you 
truly love. You should not be feeling this way however.
People do have arguments and disagreements over things.
30+ years me and my wife have had some. I have been wrong,
she has been wrong. We both admit it and then move on. No 
petty little things and no pouting because we didn't get our way.
Like you have described him. 

It takes two loving people to make a healthy relationship.
You are one is he the other one ? Only you can decide that ?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> despite all of you saying break up, i am still hoping i can find a way to improve the situation. i really do love him ... and he is perfect in every other way except this issue... maybe i am stupid...
> 
> the thought that *"if he loves me how can he knowingly hurt me"* is starting to occupy a big part of my mind though...


As I posted a few back, your BF does not believe he has a problem. You can explain it to him for a month of Sundays but he will still believe he does not have a problem. I have been there with my anger issues. Not until I got the ultimatum from my W to change or she is out did I take a long hard look. It was then that I realized I did have a problem with anger. I wanted to change as a result. I did.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Just remember he is the problem 
not you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

hgcc2 said:


> despite all of you saying break up, i am still hoping i can find a way to improve the situation. i really do love him ... and he is perfect in every other way except this issue... maybe i am stupid...
> 
> the thought that "if he loves me how can he knowingly hurt me" is starting to occupy a big part of my mind though...


He has been showing you who he is. You can't change a person, they can only change themself. It usually takes a huge shock or series of shocks to cause a person to want to change.

You will be unhappy for the rest of your life with this man, complaining about the same things and more in 20 years. This man shows all the red flags of not being a good candidate for a peaceful monogomous long term marriage.

I didn't say this before, but he probably has another woman or two on the side who keep him occupied whenever he is not with you. A man like him doesn't spend time alone between spats with a girlfriend. He is not lonely, and he doesn't really need you in his life. That is why he is not changing and why he doesn't call you when you are unhappy with each other.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

thank you for all the replies..

i had a talk with him yesterday... it was for around 40 minutes. i initiated the phone call. i put the ego aside and thought i would talk. because this "will he break up wit me?" suspense is too much for me. every time he becomes distant i am in doubt .. is he going to end it or is he going to come back. yesterday i wanted to ask him are you going to come back or are you going to break up with me? and i wanted to talk with him after the insights i got after reading these replies.

i directly told him "you have an issue, being angry for days is not healthy for a relationship. can you work on this issue? other people forget an argument in one or two days and behave as usual. so why are you dragging stuff on and on for days" 


(i never told that to him before in this direct way. i used to say please, when you are distant it hurts me, please forget the argument and behave in the usual way with me etc) 


his reply


"that is how i am"
"i am not like other people, i am different"

"it hurts me when you fight with me" 


so i said every couple has arguments. i am trying to stop us getting distant after an argument because then we can forget and be happy again in a day or two


he said "what are you doing to stop arguments from occurring" again, i reminded that arguments will occur and there is no way to stop arguments 100% it is natural to argue but can we try to bounce back after arguments?



he said he needs time 


he is not saying he is breaking up

i wish i could reach through to him and make him realize how his actions are hurting me.

i have realized that most of the arguments happen when i am about to have my periods.. on other days i am very calm and won't argue about anything.. even the celebrity engagement thing, if it was any other day, when he asked why are you searching about their lives? i would have said nothing and let it go.... but because i was in a sensitive state of mind, i dared to speak up and say "i read it on the news, i didn't go to their house and spy on them is me reading news and being informed a problem"





i always thought i am the one with the problem. but now i feel periods or not, i shall have the freedom to speak up and express my opinions without the fear of punishment ...


he says it hurts when i argue with him... maybe it hurts his ego... 

i am clear on the fact that arguments will happen, we need to have a way to bounce back from it, while he expects me not to argue with him. 



on the celebrity thing, when i said i read it on the news etc.. he avoided replying to that. he says he avoided replying to avoid an argument. 


let's see what happens.. if he comes back, and says his mind is okay now.., 1st thing i will discuss will be about how i can't tolerate this anymore and i will agree to be back with him if he can work on himself and grow enough to forget an argument in a day or two and behave in the usual way... if he can't do that... it's the end of the road....


i wish i had more memory about past arguments to share with you so that you can see the problem better.... but i have forgotten what those arguments were about... (they were not about big issues like sex or money) i have forgotten, while he keeps the memory of every argument ...


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Can you see how he just turned that back around on you? It is your fault that he has to treat you this way. You asked if he could work on his anger issues and he responded with 'Can you stop making me angry?'.

This is going nowhere other than where it is. He has just told you that this is how he is, 'he is different', what a crock.

The fact that you cannot even remember what the arguments were about, but somehow they were big enough for him to disappear for days, seems pretty telling.

I will say though, it does sound like you guys have a lot of arguments. While it is good for both sides of a couple to speak up for themselves and hold their ground on important things, it isn't a good thing to argue. Disagreement, communication, compromise, forbearance, forgiveness, mercy, grace, those are good things. Arguments aren't, but perhaps you could define what these arguments are like and they are really just disagreements.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Marduk said:


> I’m a sulker.


Me, too. Sulking usually means I'm angry, and no response is better than an angry response. It takes a while for me to calm down. However, I don't think it has ever taken me a week.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Four years and no commitment? It's probably time to move on. You could be headed for a lifetime of misery. By the way, posts written in all capital or all lower case letters are hard to read.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He's a douche. Dump him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

frusdil said:


> He's a douche. Dump him.




I concur. He sat there and flat out told you this is exactly who he is… So why are you still sitting there waiting? He doesn’t give a damn that his actions hurt you. Some partner. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Sounds like you may have some abandonment issues keeping you attached. Sounds like he has a whole heap of issues making him unable to deal with conflict or other people's emotions. Sounds like the perfect storm of problems.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

hgcc2 said:


> ......
> 
> 
> his reply
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sfort said:


> Me, too. Sulking usually means I'm angry, and no response is better than an angry response. It takes a while for me to calm down. However, I don't think it has ever taken me a week.


It can be that I’m angry or hurt. 

Or I can just get hung up thinking about something and just go dark. Like a work problem, how to fix something, whatever. 

The best way my wife has ever shut a sulk session down was by bringing me a beer, lifting up her shirt, and telling me that I have until that beer is done to remember that I have a wife with needs too.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Now THAT is the way to get a guy out of a funk Marduk!!! Kudos to your wife!


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

it's been half a month already and he isn't talking.. i guess i 'll have to give up...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Very sorry hgcc2, but on the bright side, you will get rid of this guy who clearly does NOT have his stuff together in life....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

hgcc2 said:


> it's been half a month already and he isn't talking.. i guess i 'll have to give up...




I sure hope you mean give up on this relationship. Do not give up as in give in. Drop him simply by moving on. Don't talk to him anymore not even to break up with him


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I sure hope you mean give up on this relationship. Do not give up as in give in. Drop him simply by moving on. Don't talk to him anymore not even to break up with him
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


yes..i am thinking about giving up on the relationship. i love him so much and have dreams of being his wife. it is hard to let go when i am still in love with him... but maybe we are not meant to be together...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So hgcc, YOU have dreams of being his wife, but let me posit this to you: YOU have an image of who he is in your head that I think is VERY different from who he actually is in real life. You are dreaming/pining for something that isn't really real.
Sit, and without emotions (if you can), REALLY think about the type of person he is, who would do what he does to "someone he loves", who would act immature like he does. Think about all the future issues that could come up with a person like that (financial, fidelity, abuse, you feeling alone...) -- would you REALLY dream about being the wife of someone like that? OR would you rather be the wife of a mature, responsible man who owns his own actions, treats YOU with respect, and treats you as an equal without pouting/stamping his foot, etc.? Someone who doesn't pull YOU down to their level and make you feel sad, abandoned, and hurt all the time.

I know it hurts - but in the long run you will be better off NOT being around him.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

so had another call with him...


here is what he says... 

he says i repeated that "i am not a boring woman who knows only about kids and the job, i like reading news and being informed" when he asked why i am looking for news about these famous people... 


yes, i did. i repeated, because the 1st time i said it he did not reply and i felt like he is brushing off what i said. 

he said repeating felt like i was attacking him..

i asked why didn't you say anything the 1st time i said it... he says he was trying to avoid an argument. i don't know why he is so afraid of arguments... 

he says it hurt him that i repeated the same thing. i feel it's much more a case of me speaking up and that hurting his ego. he has told me before that he feels like he can't " control " me... (i don't drink/go to night clubs/flirt with other men etc) this is just "control" about me speaking up i guess.... 


he said he needs some time to make up his mind 

i have told him clearly that he gets distant every time and this has to stop... he accepts there is a problem but says he can't forget easily like other people....


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

hgcc2 said:


> he said repeating felt like i was attacking him..
> 
> i asked why didn't you say anything the 1st time i said it... he says he was trying to avoid an argument. i don't know why he is so afraid of arguments...


This is all to do with something in his past

There are quite a lot of men like this, but not as extreme as this. They hate conflict and arguments.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> so had another call with him...
> 
> 
> here is what he says...
> ...



You are hanging on to every nugget he throws you as hope that things will get better. 

The issue here is that it is not your JOB to fix him. If he recognizes these things in himself he has two choices

1. accept himself as he is, and find a partner that accepts this too, or stay alone
2. actively seek healing or at least self-awareness and try to find answers and learn to grow from this

You are trying to change him. While I realize that its important to let our partners know what we need as we grow together, he has made it clear that this works for him and is punishing you for not being what he wants.

Its time for you to realize that this is not a matter of you not being good enough for him,but that you two are just incompatible. You can love someone desperately and just not be good for each other.

And the comment about being his wife I find odd from my perspective. What about him? Does he want to be your husband? Again I see you trying to bend all the way to accomodate him, but I don't see the same bending on his part.

Please re-evaluate this relationship, or be prepared to be locked into a lifetime of misery and self-doubt that you were never "loving enough" "good enough" for him to love you. 

It's just not true. You are just two very different people. Not meant for each other. Find someone that you are better suited to. 
Heartache now for a while or a lifetime of heartache and a bad example for your children of what a loving relationship should look like.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not given you any indication he's interested in changing. He expects you to accept things as they are. That leaves you with a choice.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Openminded said:


> He's not given you any indication he's interested in changing. He expects you to accept things as they are. That leaves you with a choice.


Exactly what I said. But with less words and more to the point. Thank you for this. :grin2:


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> This is all to do with something in his past
> 
> There are quite a lot of men like this, but not as extreme as this. They hate conflict and arguments.


to tell you the truth, i sense that this was something done by his ex.. and he is afraid of it happening again and projecting it on to me...


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> And the comment about being his wife I find odd from my perspective. What about him? Does he want to be your husband?



yes.. he does


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Is there any book he can get and read which explains this problem he is having and how it is painful to the other person and how it could be changed and conflicts better managed? i think he will be open to that... (reading a book) even though he says he cant go to therapy


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> Is there any book he can get and read which explains this problem he is having and how it is painful to the other person and how it could be changed and conflicts better managed? i think he will be open to that... (reading a book) even though he says he cant go to therapy


Please stop wishing and start listening. He WILL NOT change. He will not read books that you force on him.
He will change if and when he wants to. AND HE DOESNT WANT TO.

Many of us who have been married a long time were where you are now. It doesnt change. Especially when they tell you they wont.

You are living on the dream that you are special enough that your love can heal/change him.

It can’t. Healing has to come FROM him. FOR himself. Not you, not anyone.

I cant offer anymore advice than i have. I wish you the best since you seem determined to make him change and not hurt you anymore.
I hope it works out for you.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

You are really setting yourself up for heartache. You can’t change him. He doesn’t want to change. The reasons for him being the way he is are irrelevant. What matters is you don’t feel,happy,respected or valued. His behavior is unacceptable period-the end. Don’t make excuses for him. The only hope you have at this point is to break it off and maybe that will jolt him into seeing the light. But honestly this isn’t going to be easy for him to change. He would have to see it, want to change it and be willing to put in a lot of work. You would need to be strong and make changes as well- holding him and yourself accountable and not allowing yourself to be treated in this way.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> At this point he has stopped replying to you or reaching out over a discussion about a celebrity engagement? :surprise: I would NOT reach out to him ever again. He is bad news!! What's going to happen when you have a real argument or disagreement about something that is important? Nope, his behavior is not normal and he is giving you the perfect chance to escape his madness. Consider yourself broken up at this point and move on with your life. Find someone who can handle a disagreement without emotionally blackmailing you into agreeing with him and apologizing for having your own opinion about things.


At this risk of repeating myself, I'm going to repeat myself. The above still stands. He has a problem, a big problem, that he has no intention of fixing. He likes himself the way he is...the problem is that the way he is is very unhealthy for you and your relationship. You're avoiding everyday normal topics on the chance that they might upset him. That is NO way to live. 

Please please get some counseling for yourself so you can learn how unhealthy this is and that you are worth SO much more than this crap. The good times with him will not make up for all this **** after a few years of marriage...trust me on this one please.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate him, to understand him, to communicate with him.

What does he do? He punishes you for whatever sins he feels you committed.

You seem determined to stay with this man, so you should know that this will not get better without some deep therapy.

He is very sure of you. He knows that he can manipulate you to accommodate him. He is passive-aggressive and you bite every time. The silent treatment is abuse

Yet, you want to marry this behavior. It won't get better. It will only get worse. He clearly only cares about his own feelings and thinks he has a right to demand that you respect his feelings, but he doesn't have to respect yours.

Maybe his childhood was filled with punishment for not agreeing with everything. If so, that's his problem. This is a modern world in which women don't have to follow their husbands in everything. If you marry him, you will be a throwback. And a very unhappy one.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> Is there any book he can get and read which explains this problem he is having and how it is painful to the other person and how it could be changed and conflicts better managed? i think he will be open to that... (reading a book) even though he says he cant go to therapy


i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..



on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

i do feel like any attempt to improve the situation won't work... but because i have been with him for 4 years without any problem except this one, i do feel that i shall try my best before i give up... i am just sad that the person who says he loves me can knowingly and intentionally hurt me like this. i have explained to him very kindly and calmly that it hurts me when he behaves like this...


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..
> 
> 
> 
> on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?


I'd run screaming from any man who was mad at me for staying informed about what's going on in the world. It means he wants you isolated and dependent on him for everything, including your opinions. If he hasn't yet, he will soon start to get angry if you want to spend time with your friends or even family. That's a very dangerous man to be with...I can't stress it enough. Been there, done that...got no T shirt...all I got were a **** ton of emotional scars.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From Psychology Today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...igns-youre-in-relationship-passive-aggressive

If you see your relationship in many/most of the points in the article, it is something that you can give him to read. He will likely reject the analysis....


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

You are the only one trying to keep the relationship together and deal with the problem at all costs- mainly at your cost and detriment. You say it’s just one problem but it’s a huge one and it affects many things. It’s bigger than you seem to recognize. You are seriously minimizing. If keeping your relationship together means you walk on eggshells and keep your mouth shut to keep the peace then you don’t have anything worth holding onto.

He may read the article- he’s throwing you a crumb. It doesn’t really mean anything. It’s been four years. How many more years of your life do you want to waste?


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

How old are you two?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

hgcc2 said:


> i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..
> 
> 
> 
> on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?


SO, WHO GETS into an argument about what celebrities do? He should of just said, well that's nice for them and be done. WHY is he so offended by this? It's just a comment -- why did he feel that he had to die on that particular hill and make such a big deal about it? Why did that trigger him?

Seems to me that the "that's nice" would have been sufficient, even if he HATED that person (or, he could of said, well I don't really care because I don't like them...). Why the blow out for this?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> SO, WHO GETS into an argument about what celebrities do? He should of just said, well that's nice for them and be done. WHY is he so offended by this? It's just a comment -- why did he feel that he had to die on that particular hill and make such a big deal about it? Why did that trigger him?
> 
> Seems to me that the "that's nice" would have been sufficient, even if he HATED that person (or, he could of said, well I don't really care because I don't like them...). Why the blow out for this?


Couldn't agree more. That the argument is about celebrities is absolutely asinine and completely crazy. Imagine when something of import is discussed. 
@hgcc2 you say it's just this one problem you have in the relationship. That's like saying, I have a head wound, I'm bleeding out, my brains are coming out of my skull, but the rest of me is okay!!

Your "boyfriend" is a right-fighter drama queen who likes to make you grovel at his feet.

He has shown you in no uncertain terms who he is. If you follow through with this charade of a relationship, you will get exactly what you've been getting--nothing but misery. You are going in with your eyes wide open. You cannot and will not change him. And I never say this, but if you continue with this farce, you've lost all right to complain.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> He has shown you in no uncertain terms who he is. If you follow through with this charade of a relationship, you will get exactly what you've been getting--nothing but misery. You are going in with your eyes wide open. You cannot and will not change him. And I never say this, but if you continue with this farce, you've lost all right to complain.


THIS. 

You are settling. You just want to be married, I think. If you marry this man, you are going to be very sorry, very early in.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> i spoke with him about this today and he said he is open to reading..
> 
> 
> 
> on a side note, even though i repeatedly said I'm not a boring woman who only knows about job and kids,I like reading the news, that is no reason to be mad at me for a month right...?


Stop. Please, just stop.

There is only one person in this relationship that has a problem, and that one person is you. You’re attempting to fix him. You can’t. Don’t give him stuff to read. Don’t give him things to do. That’s what you’ve been doing for a long time, and it’s not working.

Instead, focus on the problem you have: you aren’t happy in this relationship, and are thinking of leaving as a consequence. That is your problem, and that is your solution to your problem if it doesn’t change.

All giving him stuff to read and things to think about does is let him know that the clock hasn’t run out yet, and isn’t going to any time soon. It just enables him to keep doing what he has been doing... and kicks the can down the road. 

You need to act. For your own sake. Instead of inventing solutions to a problem that he doesn’t think he has.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> i do feel like any attempt to improve the situation won't work... but because i have been with him for 4 years without any problem except this one, i do feel that i shall try my best before i give up... i am just sad that the person who says he loves me can knowingly and intentionally hurt me like this. i have explained to him very kindly and calmly that it hurts me when he behaves like this...


As per the previous posts, you will not change him. The only time he will change is when he feels he should/needs change. You may only get that when you actively start looking to live elsewhere minus his presence.


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## PrivateJ90 (Oct 20, 2019)

30 years old and still acting like this? Coming from a guy myself that is extremely childish. Now I understand the whole 30 maybe 45 mins of silence or going for a walk or ride to gather thoughts but how much time does he really need to waste on things like this? He’s stuck in his own ways and you shouldn’t be the one to try and force him to change because he’s a big boy now. Let him go and see what other woman puts up with that non sense.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

curious2 said:


> How old are you two?


i am 33, he is 36


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> From Psychology Today:
> 
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...igns-youre-in-relationship-passive-aggressive
> 
> If you see your relationship in many/most of the points in the article, it is something that you can give him to read. He will likely reject the analysis....


thank you..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

when i asked him can you forget this and move on, he said "not when you want it, i will when i want" he seems to be fearing ding what i like and i think he feels if he does that he will give the control (of him) to me... i am just sharing these here because i don't have anyone to speak with about this. i know you all think it will be better to break up...i am just trying to work things out if not i will break up....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" he said "not when you want it, i will when i want" '

That is a very weird response, especially since the argument was over A CELEBRITY GETTING ENGAGED!!!!!!!! WOW is the reaction WAY OVER the top for the action. I just don't think things are going to be fixed here. You need to find out who/what hurt him so that he does this (actually HE needs to find this out so that he can fix his life).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> when i asked him can you forget this and move on, he said "not when you want it, i will when i want" he seems to be fearing ding what i like and i think he feels if he does that he will give the control (of him) to me... i am just sharing these here because i don't have anyone to speak with about this. i know you all think it will be better to break up...i am just trying to work things out if not i will break up....



What an ass-hole response. Childish and disrespectful to you as his partner. 

I was married to man who did the same things, I posted about him a bit back in the thread. Men like this don’t get better, they escalate over time. My ex sucked the life out of me, i was an empty shell of who I used to be when I finally divorced his ass. Don’t be me. Don’t stay with this. You’re lucky you get to see who he really is before you make that commitment. Mine bait and switched me, I saw none of this before hand. Cut your losses and be glad you didn’t invest even more wasted time. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? He's not going to change. Only you can change your situation by getting away from someone who is so disrespectful of you. He's telling you that he doesn't care about your feelings. This is what an unhealthy relationship looks like. You have the power to leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hgcc2 said:


> when i asked him can you forget this and move on, he said "not when you want it, i will when i want" ..i am just trying to work things out if not i will break up....


Sadly, I don't see how you can possibly work this out. He's being upfront with you and telling you he will move on when he feels like it. Your feelings don't factor into his equation when it comes to getting over things. This guy is a jerk. Sorry, I can't think of a way to sugar coat the way this clown behaves.

I would drop him like radioactive waste. You deserve a man who can compromise. This ain't the one. Seriously.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Trying to understand this silliness because the guy sounds like an emotionally stunted 15 year old teenage kid .

In a lot of your posts you keep mention 'contacting' him or 'texting' him. Are you saying this is an ONLINE relationship? That's the so-called "relationship" you have with him, you text and call each other? Have you two ever actually even *met*?

I'll never understand why people are so willing to waste _years _of their lives typing away and claiming they're in a "relationship" or they're 'in love' when they could be living their lives *authentically* with actual people.

OP, if you're 33 years old and *wasting your time* with this fool via telephone and Skype and smoke signals, my advice would be to turn the damned phone off and go out in the REAL world and interact with REAL people.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Oh Lord, my dad is a 70 year old man who gets mad at my mom for stupid stuff and stays mad at her for days! 

My parents have, at least to me, a very dysfunctional relationship. I don't know how my mother puts up with his temper tantrums. I know my dad had a hard childhood and I believe that's why he's the way he is, but at the same time he thinks that everything is fine with him and my mom is the one with issues. 

I had to get away from them. My sister had to get away from them. We don't even live in the same country. I love them, but it's emotionally draining to try to understand their dynamics.

My dad has always been this way. He was very sick a few years ago and even then, when we thought that maybe he was going to finally get it, nope, he didn't. 

I don't think your boyfriend is going to change. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much you pray, he's the way he is and nothing is going to change him unless he's the one wanting to change. 

The issue is he thinks everything is fine with him. Why change then? He's got no understanding of what he's doing wrong, no understanding of other people's feelings, almost no empathy for others. It's like a narcissistic behavior. I think people like my dad and your boyfriend have some mental issues but I'm not sure what kind.

I would suggest you find someone else that can meet your needs completely. It's not fair to you to walk on eggshells your whole life. People like him won't change. I'm sorry...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think there are actually a couple different problems in your relationship.

One, your boyfriend seems to have a desperate fear and/or hatred of being "controlled" by a woman. To the point that he views any disagreement from you - even over the simplest and most nonsensical issues - as a direct affront to himself. He needs you to agree with him. About everything. All the time. If you don't then he feels attacked. While he probably likes the idea of having a partner, he doesn't actually like the reality of having a partner with her own thoughts and feelings. He requires someone who won't "attack" him by having independent views of her own. He can't see or accept that it's okay for you to be your own individual person. He'd like you better if you were different, so he keeps trying to use emotional warfare and silent treatment to get you to behave differently. He wants to control you, fix you, so that you are a better partner for him. That's toxic in a relationship. 

Two, you actually_ are _trying to control him. It's not malicious and you probably don't even realize you're doing it. But you are. Insisting that if he'd just read this, listen to that, understand whatever, he'd start being what you need in a partner? That's controlling. You're trying to change him, correct him, _fix_ him. You want to talk him, beg him, educate him, _control_ him into being what you need. Which means that while you may like the idea of a partner, you don't much like the reality of the partner you have. You'd like him better if he were different, so you keep trying to communicate/heal/fix him to get him to behave differently. That, too, is toxic in a relationship. 

The truth is that neither of you respect the other. You're both trying to change who the other person is. He wants you to be the silent, never contradicting, woman of his dreams. You want him to be the healthy, communicative, man of your dreams. The more he's silent and stonewalling, the more you rebel and try to fix him so he's what you need. The more you try to fix him, the more he rebels and tries to fix you so you're what he needs. You two are stuck in a toxic spiral of push-pull. Both trying to make the other something they're not. 

You both keep trying to force the other person to change. And it's just not going to happen. Because you can't change anyone else. So, I suggest that you stop trying to control and change him. Respect that this is who he is and that you cannot change him. 

But you can change yourself! Respect yourself enough to stop trying to force him to change. Then decide from a base of truth: Knowing you cannot change him, do you want to be with him as he is? Is he, as he is right now, with his stonewalling and emotional blackmail, someone you want to be with? Is this the life you want? 

If it's not, then you need to get out. Because you will not change him. But you can change yourself into someone with healthy boundaries who isn't willing to tolerate emotional abuse in her relationships.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> You need to find out who/what hurt him so that he does this (actually HE needs to find this out so that he can fix his life).


i wish i could.. or better i wish he would find it out and work on himself..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> . He's telling you that he doesn't care about your feelings.


yes.. telling me and showing me...i am so confused about how a man can be so loving and then suddenly show no love and no care..and how he keeps doing this even after i explained how it hurts me..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> In a lot of your posts you keep mention 'contacting' him or 'texting' him. Are you saying this is an ONLINE relationship? That's the so-called "relationship" you have with him, you text and call each other? Have you two ever actually even *met*?


during the work week we can only talk/text..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

i am a mess right now... i feel abandoned.. sad.. lonely... confused.. 

i feel how can the man who loves me hurt me like this ... i guess i will never find out the answer to that... it seems to be a mystery...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> i am a mess right now... i feel abandoned.. sad.. lonely... confused..
> 
> *i feel how can the man who loves me hurt me like this* ... i guess i will never find out the answer to that... it seems to be a mystery...


You seem stuck on this one concept for some reason. This is just how he is. He is stunted and self absorbed.. he is only concerned with his own feelings and needs. Stop trying to figure out WHY. This is all he is capable of. Like I said before, at least you have been shown the reality of who he is. Stop beating your brain as to figuring out why.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> yes.. telling me and showing me...i am so confused about how a man can be so loving and then suddenly show no love and no care..and how he keeps doing this even after i explained how it hurts me..


 @hgcc2,

May I offer my 2 cents? I don't know you and I don't know your significant other (I'll call him SO from now on), but this question right here seems to be one that you are stuck on. Now, bear in mind that you are there, in your own skin, and you know all of what is and is not going on. We don't have his side at all, and I suspect his side would be completely different than what you are telling us. Nonetheless, may I remind you of something?

Love and Care are verbs. That is to say, they are actions--it's the way you TREAT someone. Now yes, on the occasion feelings do come with Love and Care, because if you love and care for someone and they love and care for you, it is an environment where warm, happy, comforting, supporting feelings can exist. But it sounds to me like you have this backwards a little bit. It sounds to me like you maybe think of Loving and Caring as feelings, when actually, they are ACTIONS.

Take a look at your SO. You wonder how he can be so loving and then suddenly show no love or care. Well...if Loving is an ACTION and the way you treat someone, and not a smooshy feeling, the you tell me. Is it really LOVING to say nice things and then not have actions match? Wouldn't it be MORE LOVING to not say anything at all, and just ACT in a way that is kind and considerate? Is it really LOVING to cut someone off from emotional closeness? Is it LOVING to continue hurting someone once you know that what you are doing (action) is hurting them? Is it really LOVING to continue to use you to meet his own needs, but then toss you aside when he wants? Is it really LOVING to give you just enough love-crumbs to string you along so you don't leave him, but never give the whole feast of actual Caring and Kind actions? 

See, the way I look at it, I don't listen to people's words AT ALL. Words are nothing but hot air puffing past a vocal chord, and they aren't a dependable way to discern if someone is serious. What IS a good way to discern is by listening to people's ACTIONS. I know my Beloved Hubby loves me because even when we disagree, he ACTS kindly. I know he loves me because he is consistent: his words and actions match (he does what he says he's going to do). I know he loves me because when it's hard and I'm being difficult, he respects me enough to not do hurtful things. And by the way, I ACT like this toward him too--every, single day. 

So when you ask "....i am so confused about how a man can be so loving and then suddenly show no love and no care?...and how he keeps doing this even after i explained how it hurts me? ...i feel how can the man who loves me hurt me like this? ... i guess i will never find out the answer to that... it seems to be a mystery..." I suggest you stop looking at his words, and start looking at his ACTIONS. Are his ACTIONS loving? Does he treat you in a LOVING way? Does he act like he CARES? 

I suspect that you know the answer: "no" and it is not the answer you want to hear. With every fiber of your being, you want this man to love you and care about you, and yet he has been very clear in both his words and his actions that he does not. I realize it is DEEPLY SAD to see the truth, but the truth is that he has been telling you and you don't want to accept it. He has told you in both his words and his actions that he does not providing, protecting, and attending to your emotional needs, so I would suggest that you believe what he has both said and done. 

Yes, you will grieve. Most likely you'll grieve for what you WISHED you had moreso than what you actually had, but yes, you'll be sad. Allow yourself to be sad and to believe that you are worth someone who truly does LOVE and CARE about you in both word and action.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> i am a mess right now... i feel abandoned.. sad.. lonely... confused..
> 
> i feel how can the man who loves me hurt me like this ... i guess i will never find out the answer to that... it seems to be a mystery...


This is why I posted earlier you need some time alone for you.
Time with out him texting, calling or seeing him. You time, to 
decide exactly what you want to do with your life. I have been 
reading his responses to you. " That's just the way I am" etc.
You hurt him when you argue with him, disagree with him, or 
just simply express your own mind. He simply wants to be in 
control, his way or nothing. 

What you have described are not really things to have arguments 
about. If you emptied the joint bank account and blew all the money.
then that is something to argue about. Not just you expressing your 
own thoughts and feelings. That is a control attitude not love. 

Four years is a long time, and I fully understand how this hurts.
Someone who you love greatly treats you this way. You have 
tolerated his behavior for four years and planned on being his wife.
Kids maybe someday ? If he would only listen and try and change.
He will not as of now. 

I an the others here can only advise you from our experiences.

You and only you can decide which will hurt less or more.
Staying or leaving.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> i think he might be not having the skills to handle an argument at all... because what i see as an argument, he sees as a fight... even if i am texting him about a different opinion than his own, he texts back saying "don't fight"


I am LOUSY at debating, and l do sometimes feel l get (beat up) to convince me her way is the right way. And it isn't, so because she can control the argument (debate) I tend never to engage her as such. And this has built some resentment of sorts, so this results in detached talking because she may return to where she left at.

But because of my linear thinking, my Personality is to overcome my obstacles, so l tend to walk right through them. And then no one is happy. What is his personality at other times, is he secure in himself of does he seek outside validation? Or does he fall on the sword all the time himself through personal self-destruction ?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> i am a mess right now... i feel abandoned.. sad.. lonely... confused..
> 
> 
> 
> i feel how can the man who loves me hurt me like this ... i guess i will never find out the answer to that... it seems to be a mystery...




People like this are called crazy makers, because when you are in a relationship with them they literally make you go crazy, because your feeling great one second and then terrible another. They see manipulative and super toxic. And for whatever reason really hard to leave. Peace of mind is a very under rated thing. Leave him, he won’t get better and you will become a shell of a person.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

OP the other I wanted to tell you is actions speak louder than words. And the thing is... what he is doing is just mean, and you know it. And what I mean by mean is not calling you a bad name during an argument, but mean as in neglecting you when you need him the most. When you are upset and you yearn for someone and they ignore you... this is heart breakingly mean. And I know that you feel that. 

I understand this happening once. Some people like to be left alone when they are upset so they figure everyone does. But once you have that conversation once with how it makes you feel... it should never happen again. Because if someone really loves you they wouldn’t want to make you feel that way. I purpose of course.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @hgcc2,
> 
> May I offer my 2 cents? I don't know you and I don't know your significant other (I'll call him SO from now on), but this question right here seems to be one that you are stuck on. Now, bear in mind that you are there, in your own skin, and you know all of what is and is not going on. We don't have his side at all, and I suspect his side would be completely different than what you are telling us. Nonetheless, may I remind you of something?
> 
> ...



thank you... this is eye opening...


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> I am LOUSY at debating, and l do sometimes feel l get (beat up) to convince me her way is the right way. And it isn't, so because she can control the argument (debate) I tend never to engage her as such. And this has built some resentment of sorts, so this results in detached talking because she may return to where she left at.
> 
> But because of my linear thinking, my Personality is to overcome my obstacles, so l tend to walk right through them. And then no one is happy. What is his personality at other times, is he secure in himself of does he seek outside validation? Or does he fall on the sword all the time himself through personal self-destruction ?


i think he is secure in himself at other times..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

hmm... so... i love him and i am ready to work through this problem. but, since he is not willing and it is clear that he is not caring about my feelings... it is time to stop... i am in pain but i guess if i continue that will give me more pain.... as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply. so i guess it is time to stop... i don't want to chase him anymore.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Good luck in your new life, hope it works well.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> hmm... so... i love him and i am ready to work through this problem. but, since he is not willing and it is clear that he is not caring about my feelings... it is time to stop... i am in pain but i guess if i continue that will give me more pain.... as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply. so i guess it is time to stop... i don't want to chase him anymore.


He should be chasing you from now on. If he really cares he will.
Again it is not you but him. If he wants to be part of your life he needs 
to earn it. Showing you he is willing to change. Maybe he will, maybe not. 
His actions will speak louder than words.

Don't let him simply walk back in and start this again. 
Healthy boundaries for you. Better for you in the 
long run.

Show him that you are not willing to wait for 
him to grow up and change.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> hmm... so... i love him and i am ready to work through this problem. but, since he is not willing and it is clear that he is not caring about my feelings... it is time to stop... i am in pain but i guess if i continue that will give me more pain.... as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply. so i guess it is time to stop... i don't want to chase him anymore.


I don't blame you one bit. Constant catering with no end in sight or lasting changes for the better is no way to live. Your change in the relationship will either set off change in him or he may do nothing. Either way, you have your answer.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> hmm... so... i love him and i am ready to work through this problem. but, since he is not willing and it is clear that he is not caring about my feelings... it is time to stop... i am in pain but i guess if i continue that will give me more pain.... as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply. so i guess it is time to stop... i don't want to chase him anymore.


I'm sorry. I'm sure it hurts a lot. But as an outsider looking in, this is the best thing for you. If he eventually reaches out to you, make it clear what your expectations are for a relationship (which are normal btw) and that if he can't do that, it's best to end things now. 

Then go find a guy that is more mature and you'll see what a difference it will make in a relationship!


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

i had a individual counseling session yesterday.. 2 hours... i told the counselor everything and then he asked about my boyfriend's family.. 

is he having a close relationship with his father? (no, his father is very strict and has hit him on occasion) 

the counselor said "so he has not had a chance to be free and express himself , he was controlled and that is why he fears that i will control him if i am allowed to talk freely..

is he having a close relationship with his mom and sister? (no, they do talk but not about emotions.. i do not see that they are emotionally close) 

the counselor said so he has not had a chance to understand females in depth... 


and he talked about how my BF expects love and understanding from me and how he expects me to be submissive to him so that he can feel the control with me , which he did not feel with others...


he said my BF has not seen how adults resolve conflicts and arguments and he is afraid of them because he does not know how to settle / solve so the easiest thing for him to do is getting distant. 

he said even though i do not feel like the topics of arguments are big issues, they might make him feel like i am challenging his manhood. 


and maybe he is not trying to punish me, maybe he is getting distant because then he can stop his "maleness" getting challenged and can feel good when i start pleading with him to talk with me... 


i have been advised to wait a few days for him to return to normal (well, i have already been waiting for nearly a month..) and then talk with him about how this can't happen again..


but i guess just discussing and setting boundaries won't work till he finds out why he is like this and works on improving himself.. he has to want it...


anyway, i did benefit from the session as i got to look at the problem from his side.. 

counselor thinks he fears losing control and he fears he will have to do whatever i say, when i speak freely.. the male ego could be a problem...


normally a man would do what his GF likes and that will make him feel more masculine ... in this case it seems he fears doing what i like and instead says "i will do when i want, not when you want" that seems to be a tactic to not give me control....


a lot more was discussed... 


and i don't know where i stand. it was suggested that i treat him with patience and love and wait till he opens up...(but that's what i was doing all along) and then to talk about how we can stop this from happening again... 


he wants respect.. 

BF told me he feels attacked when i repeat the same thing. i told him that when he does not reply, i feel he is ignoring my feelings and that is why i repeat... oh well, i wish i could break down the cycle...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> i had a individual counseling session yesterday.. 2 hours... i told the counselor everything and then he asked about my boyfriend's family..
> 
> is he having a close relationship with his father? (no, his father is very strict and has hit him on occasion)
> 
> ...


This post alone and the answers from the IC....your BF needs IC.....NOT YOU. If your BF wants respect....he has to earn it. You will not fix him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> i had a individual counseling session yesterday.. 2 hours... i told the counselor everything and then he asked about my boyfriend's family..
> 
> is he having a close relationship with his father? (no, his father is very strict and has hit him on occasion)
> 
> ...


Your therapist trying to help you understand your boyfriend is good.

Any attempt on your behalf trying to fix your boyfriend is not good. He knows what he needs to do, because you’ve told him over and over again. He doesn’t want to do it.

Which also means he prefers his behaviour over his relationship with you.

Text him “We are over. Your stuff will be on a bag outside by 6PM.” And then block him and just start to heal.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> and i don't know where i stand.* it was suggested that i treat him with patience and love and wait till he opens up...(but that's what i was doing all along) and then to talk about how we can stop this from happening again... *
> 
> he wants respect..
> 
> BF told me he feels attacked when i repeat the same thing. i told him that when he does not reply, i feel he is ignoring my feelings and that is why i repeat... oh well, i wish i could break down the cycle...


Eff that. You've been doing that. You cant fix this. It isnt your PLACE to fix this and his past is his issue to address, which he wont. Its all a bunch of excuses. Time to stop beating this dead horse and move on to something better.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> i had a individual counseling session yesterday.. 2 hours... i told the counselor everything and then he asked about my boyfriend's family..
> 
> is he having a close relationship with his father? (no, his father is very strict and has hit him on occasion)
> 
> ...


Wow,

This guy honestly does not see what a great and 
loving girlfriend he has. You have tolerated him being
distant at times, refusing to open up to you etc.
Now you have seen a counselor to try and help him.
He is pushing away someone who loves him deeply,
that shows. 

Sadly however as much as you love him and care for 
him you can not fix him. He has to take that step and
seek counseling himself. If you talk with him about what
the counselor said he will probably be distant again.

You have not posted anything that would challenge his 
manhood or anything else. You have just been expressing
your thoughts. Both of you should feel safe and secure in
your relationship to do so. How much longer do you 
wait for a sign or change ?

If he is emotionally broken you can't fix him.
He has to take that step. Meantime heal 
yourself.

Sad really that he can't see someone who loves him
and cares about him this much. Running away from 
the type of person some spend their lives looking for.

I hope you find that special person also.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

thank you for all the replies.. really helps feel that i am not alone in this...

my counselor seems to think that because of my BF's issues growing up, he feels his manhood is threatened when i speak up. and that i shall give him some time .. but i do feel that's what i have been doing and that isn't working... 


let's see what happens in the next few days... will he come back or will i have to end this... to be honest, ending will be very painful... but i feel like i am not given any other option by him..


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

There are always reasons behind why people act the way they do but the reasons change nothing for you. Understanding is one thing accepting is another. His behavior is unacceptable. I don’t agree with your counselor. He’s had plenty of time and he has done nothing with it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> let's see what happens in the next few days... will he come back or will i have to end this... to be honest, ending will be very painful... but i feel like i am not given any other option by him..


Even if he "comes back" you should end it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> thank you for all the replies.. really helps feel that i am not alone in this...


We are here for you. 



> my counselor seems to think that because of my BF's issues growing up, he feels his manhood is threatened when i speak up. and that i shall give him some time .. but i do feel that's what i have been doing and that isn't working...


Sorry, you counselor is attempting to have you fix your BF. Your BF issues are above your pay grade in this instance. The counselor should have requested your BF come in for a talk. 




> let's see what happens in the next few days... will he come back or will i have to end this... to be honest, ending will be very painful... but i feel like i am not given any other option by him..


I would end it no matter what response your BF has. Again, you will not fix him. Your BF can only fix himself when he is ready to fix himself.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

so it's been a month and he is not ready to talk, not ready to let go... i have tried my best to reach out to him... to explain how i feel... the counselor did want me to wait and let him reach out to me.. (i guess because of our culture, he did not talk about just stopping the relationship) but, i am in two minds... one part of me wants to just stop ... i can't take the uncertainty- will he come back? when will this happen again? etc- one part of me wants to wait and see... i really miss him... the talks we had.... at this point i don't expect replies from you because all you can do is repeat what you already told me... i am just releasing my feelings here because i feel better when i type the feelings rather than keeping all inside... i guess he does not love me after all, thus does not care if his actions are hurting me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

One thing you can be certain of is the fact that should you stay together, he WILL do this again. And again. And so on. Sounds fun, right?




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> so it's been a month and he is not ready to talk, not ready to let go...


I hope you understand that giving someone the cold shoulder for a month because they dared to discuss a celebrity's engagement...is not just "over-reacting" but 100%, utterly and entirely unacceptable. I would think giving someone a day or two to pull their head together and settle down MIGHT be acceptable-ish if they said "Hey it's not you but I need of space and we can talk day after tomorrow when I have processed this"... Okay, but A MONTH? Over a comment about some celebrity getting engaged? That is just over the top, abusive, punishment for trying to make chit chat. In your heart of hearts, you do know that, right?



> i have tried my best to reach out to him... to explain how i feel... the counselor did want me to wait and let him reach out to me.. (i guess because of our culture, he did not talk about just stopping the relationship)...


So you have done your best to communicate, to be open, to explain, to relate...and yet you are offering all this to a person who does not want to communicate, is not open and tender-hearted to you, does not want to hear your explanation, and does not want to relate at this time. 
@hgcc2, if I did something to hurt you--let's say I called you a very mean name--does it make you stop hurting if I explain to you WHY I called you a very mean name? You might say to yourself, "Okay well...I see how you got there and it's at least a little bit understandable, BUT YA STILL MADE THE CHOICE TO HURT ME and I'm still hurting!" Explaining rarely (if ever) makes a person stop hurting. So continuing to pursue him "to explain" won't fix this. The only thing that might change this would be if HE recognized he has an issue and went to counseling ON HIS OWN because he wanted to do it...and he changed himself. Otherwise, nothng you do will fix this. 



> ... but, i am in two minds... one part of me wants to just stop ... i can't take the uncertainty- will he come back? when will this happen again? etc- one part of me wants to wait and see... i really miss him... the talks we had....


I want to challenge you to really think about something: do you honestly actually miss HIM the way he spoke to you and treated you? Or do you miss what you wished/hoped/thought you had? Do you miss the reality of who he truly was? Or do you miss the dream of what you hoped it was/would become? The reason I ask is that it sounds to me like you wanted someone who would talk with you, share with you, laugh with you, and enjoy the mutual give and take of relating--and yet that does not sound like the reality of what he was like. Now, you are there and I do not know everything, so I totally understand I don't know his side of the story either! But based on what you've written, I think you miss the way you thought it was...not the way it really was! Make sense? You are mourning the loss of your VISION of a happy relationship, not an actually happy, healthy mutual relationship. 

If that's the case, maybe you could mourn the loss of what you THOUGHT you had, whilst also realizing that reality was quite different. Maybe you could use this relationship as a catalyst to learn how to see what's truly there and how to have a healthier, real, mutual relationship.



> ... at this point i don't expect replies from you because all you can do is repeat what you already told me... i am just releasing my feelings here because i feel better when i type the feelings rather than keeping all inside... i guess he does not love me after all, thus does not care if his actions are hurting me.


I'm glad you did release your feelings here. It sometimes helps to process feelings and thoughts with others, and I think we get it--you aren't asking for "what do I do?" so much as using this forum as a way to process inside your own self.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Culture or no culture, it is wrong for someone to be emotionally abusive to you. If your boyfriend were to have a true epiphany where unprompted he suddenly makes a turn around by telling you what he did wrong and why he is sorry for that wrong behavior and what his plan is to follow and stop doing this ever again, then I might say to give him another chance. But if he simply starts talking to you again as if none of this ever happened, then he clearly isn't going to change and clearly doesn't see a need to change. A person who sees no need to change will have no desire to change and will therefore never change.

You have done everything you can, but still he sees no need to change his attitude or his behavior even though he sees that it's hurting you. He will probably be surprised when you leave him and write some dating profile with "no drama" and "no games," because his horrible behavior creates drama and games, but he thinks it's all your fault for not tolerating his poor choices and mistreatment of you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unless you want this to be your life from now on, then its time to end it. You will be always be walking on eggshells, worried about saying the wrong thing in case he does the silent treatment again. If you had children they would have to live that way as well. He is very immature and selfish. Lots of people have issues in their childhood, they don't act like spoilt 6 year olds. If I was in your position after 4 weeks I would definitely not contact him, that's what he is waiting for, and he will never apologise for this emotional abuse.

Sadly he will never have a happy heathy relationship until he stops this nonsense.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

hgcc2 said:


> hmm... so... i love him and i am ready to work through this problem. but, since he is not willing and it is clear that he is not caring about my feelings... it is time to stop... i am in pain but i guess if i continue that will give me more pain.... as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply. so i guess it is time to stop... i don't want to chase him anymore.


Yes, love yourself for once. He does not love you. Your relationship is one sided, with you doing all the work. Stick to your guns and take care of yourself. Love yourself enough to not allow him to treat you badly. If after you stop contacting him, and when he eventually contacts you, and you tell him to not contact you again, he begins to pursue you like you are the most important person in the world to him, remember that he is not stable, loving, or consistent and he will only estrange himself from you again once he thinks he has you. (sorry for the run-on sentence, but your life with him is like a run-on sentence.) Don't let him close, ever again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You could stay but you would never be happy.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

I am down with the flu, i will reply the last few posts once i feel better. i have sent him a text saying i am at the hospital (no details) and he has not even asked what happened. every day it becomes more and more clear that he does not care. i feel like such an idiot. 


"as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply." - got a reply for this. "i can't live according to your schedule" he is trying so hard not to give me any "control" i guess.. what he is ignoring is his quest for control is hurting my feelings.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop reaching out to him! 

Sorry you are down sick, wishing a speedy recovery for you!


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Please stop begging and pleading for his care and attention. You are belittling yourself. He isn’t missing anything. He knows he is hurting your feelings and he is ok with that. Please just stop contacting him for your own good. At this point I actually think he gets things much better than you do. 

Unfortunately he will eventually come back I think and and even more unfortunate you will be there waiting all thankful and grateful for his return. Nothing will change but you clearly aren’t ready to do anything about it. I do hope you stay in therapy and focus on you- getting yourself stronger and in a better place rather than talking about him and trying to fix him and this relationship.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You may think you are chasing your dream.
In reality more likely a nightmare.


Sorry your sick

Two ways to really feel better.

Get over the flu.
Get over him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> I am down with the flu, i will reply the last few posts once i feel better. i have sent him a text saying i am at the hospital (no details) and he has not even asked what happened. every day it becomes more and more clear that he does not care. i feel like such an idiot.
> 
> 
> "as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply." - got a reply for this. "i can't live according to your schedule" he is trying so hard not to give me any "control" i guess.. what he is ignoring is his quest for control is hurting my feelings.


Hope you feel better soon. 

As suspected, your BF is not lifelong mate material. His passive aggressive behavior you should not have to live with. Once you find a "grown up" and begin a new relationship will you realize what a mature relationship looks like.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> I am down with the flu, i will reply the last few posts once i feel better. i have sent him a text saying i am at the hospital (no details) and he has not even asked what happened. every day it becomes more and more clear that he does not care. i feel like such an idiot.
> 
> 
> "as a final try i sent him a text yesterday saying him being distant hurts, shall we discuss about this and agree on healthy boundaries.. no reply." - got a reply for this. "i can't live according to your schedule" he is trying so hard not to give me any "control" i guess.. what he is ignoring is his quest for control is hurting my feelings.


Just let go. That fist you have curled so tightly around your idea of this relationship is hiding the fact that inside is nothing. 

Just open your hand up and look. 

Block him. Be free.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear that you are ill. I hope you are being well taken care of and recover soon.

As far as your boyfriend, he's not your boyfriend anymore. He clearly doesn't consider himself your boyfriend, but rather than just stating the obvious, he wants to see how much he can make you suffer. I wouldn't be surprised to find that he is now with someone else and sharing your communications with her. He sounds like the kind of person who would do that.

Emotions can impact our health. It is highly probably that you got so ill due to your immune system being depressed by the situation with your ex. Please let him go and move into a healthier life in all aspects, body, soul, and spirit.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm sorry to hear you are ill. A normal loving man would of course drop the "fight" immediately to come make sure you were okay. He's not a normal loving man and at this point who cares why? That's not your problem. What is your problem is that you keep giving this man more and more chances to hurt you. Please, it's time to end this and put yourself first for a change. Yes, it will hurt more in the beginning and then it will get better. And then when you're ready, you may even find someone you can have a healthy relationship with and then you'll truly understand why we all want you to end this one.

Feel better soon!! Sending you some virtual chicken soup and hugs.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry you're sick and in the hospital, how terrible.

That strangers from literally all over the world are sending you well wishes and sympathy for your ill health and your "boyfriend" doesn't says it all, doesn't it? Let him go.

Hoping for a speedy recovery for you.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Just think about how he is treating you right now- regardless of what caused him to give you the silent treatment- you told him you are in the hospital and you got nothing from him and he stopped talking to you over something ridiculous- that wasn’t the reason you have know idea why he really stopped talking to you because he can’t relate maturely. My main point is he is mean- cruel even is this what you want in a partner?


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> I hope you understand that giving someone the cold shoulder for a month because they dared to discuss a celebrity's engagement...is not just "over-reacting" but 100%, utterly and entirely unacceptable. I would think giving someone a day or two to pull their head together and settle down MIGHT be acceptable-ish if they said "Hey it's not you but I need of space and we can talk day after tomorrow when I have processed this"... Okay, but A MONTH? Over a comment about some celebrity getting engaged? That is just over the top, abusive, punishment for trying to make chit chat. In your heart of hearts, you do know that, right? * yes... i know...*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

so....yesterday was my birthday.

no message, no call, no gift, nothing. it's like i don't exist. 

i am going through various feelings. 

is he a human being? did not even wish me even though he says he loves me. how is that even possible for a human to do like that.... to treat another person like that? 

as you know, what he said is he needs to make up his mind, i hurt him, he needs some alone time etc. he did not tell me directly that he is stopping the relationship. and yet he is behaving like we have nothing at all. 


wow, i am just astonished that he could be like this. i feel like i don't know him at all...

i am better from the flu now. totally recovered.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

hgcc2 said:


> so....yesterday was my birthday.
> 
> no message, no call, no gift, nothing. it's like i don't exist.
> 
> ...


First of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :grin2:
Second of all glad that you feel better.
Third: give yourself the best present of all this year. Your freedom to find and love someone who truly deserves you. 
Cut him off and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How could he do that? Easy. He isn’t through punishing you yet. Or he totally doesn’t care. Or both. 

You keep hoping and you shouldn’t. You’re right that you don’t know him. Listen to your brain and not your heart.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> so....yesterday was my birthday.
> 
> no message, no call, no gift, nothing. it's like i don't exist.
> 
> ...


Happy birthday, glad your over the flu.
You should treat yourself to something special.
I would suggest a new boyfriend. 

Treat him like he doesn't exist or matter. 
Those various feelings you are going through
are normal. Confused, betrayed, questioning 
everything. Just don't question yourself. It is 
not you, but him. Tell him your done playing his 
childish, immature game. He is showing you there 
is no future with him

You deserve better than that. 
Let go and break the hold he has on you 
As I have said before you sound like a very 
loving and caring young women. 

Someone special is out there for you.
Kick this bozo to the curb and go find them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> so....yesterday was my birthday.
> 
> no message, no call, no gift, nothing. it's like i don't exist.
> 
> ...


Happy Birthday!

Well, it is better now to understand or attempt to understand a person your BF is. He ticks at a different speed then most. Imagine 10 years married, kids and figuring out he is not running on all cylinders.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

hgcc2 said:


> so....yesterday was my birthday.
> 
> no message, no call, no gift, nothing. it's like i don't exist.
> 
> ...


 @hgcc2, may I ask you a question? Did you message, call, text or get a gift for the bank teller at your bank for her birthday? Did you message, call, text or get a gift for the mailman for his birthday? Did you message, call, text or get a gift for guy who pumps your gas on his birthday? Did you message, call, text or get a gift for the grocery store clerk on her birthday? 

How is it possible that you treated them like that? How could you ignore their big day? I'm not being mean--I'm asking you to think about why you didn't do even one little thing for those people--because maybe that will give you an answer why he didn't do anything for your birthday. 



> as you know, what he said is he needs to make up his mind, i hurt him, he needs some alone time etc. he did not tell me directly that he is stopping the relationship. and yet he is behaving like we have nothing at all.
> 
> wow, i am just astonished that he could be like this. i feel like i don't know him at all...


Part of the reason you feel so sick inside, like your stomach is in knots, is because you are trying so desperately to believe what is not in alignment with what you know. In your heart of hearts, you KNOW that this man does not love you. Even if he has smooshy feelings about you right this moment, love is not a feeling...it is an ACTION. Love is how you treat someone, and to love means that you treat them in a loving way. He does not treat you in a loving way, and I suspect that most of you knows this...in your gut...in your innermost being. Yet you try and struggle and wrestle so you can believe what you know is not true. 
It is not in alignment. 

In order to align your heart and your mind, you need to accept that this is over. He is a human being and worthy of compassion because clearly he's got issues, but he is NOT the love of your life or the man for you. The man for you will not only say that he loves you, but more importantly, he will ACT like he loves you. He will treat you in a kind and loving way. Then you won't feel sick because your heart will believe what your mind knows is true: words and actions will match. 

I personally recommend that you say to yourself that he has had time to "make up his mind" and his inaction to reconcile and his unkind, uncaring actions are telling you his decision. I suggest that YOU take back YOUR POWER and make up his mind for him--YOU no longer choose to wait for him. I mean seriously...all of this month of cold shoulder, silent treatment and punishment is because you brought up a celebrity engagement. Remember? That is so far from unacceptable it is jaw dropping! Love yourself more. Let him go.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Happy birthday, a little late lol!

Operate under the assumption that you are now broken up, officially. Sorry but after a month of no contact, no other conclusion can be reached. Someone in love doesnt NOT communicate for a month. And someone with a shred of self dignity would not acknowledge them again if they do reach out.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

In fact, let's have a little fun with this. You mentioned a celebrity engagement. He completely and utterly over-reacted and had an abusive meltdown. After a month of the cold shoulder and silent treatment punishing you "for hurting him" (how? by mentioning an engagement?) and saying "he needs time to decide"...he sends you a text: 

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "Oh, I'm having a great evening painting little D&D miniatures for the group of friends that are coming over in an hour to play our weekly game. You made up your mind? About what?" 

LOL 

Here's another one: 

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "Oh I made up MY mind about 3 days after you stopped talking to me. Have a nice life cuz it won't be with me! Buh BYE!" 

LOL 

Here's another one:

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "Remember that outfit you just loved me in? It hugged all my curves and turned you on? Well, I'm burning it because I never want to wear it for you again. Bye now!"

Here's another one:

HIM: "Ummm...hey. Whatcha doing? I've made up my mind."

You: "I've been thinking all month about all the times you abused me, screamed at me, called me names, punished me, and made ME feel guilty because you are an insecure, childish, immature little man. I have made up my mind too. Buh BYE!"

We could go on and on....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh oh I like this game. First please notice all of the above is him contacting you (NOT you contacting him).

Here's the one I like.

HIM: Hey babe, let get together tonight.

YOU: 


(because you don't even know he did it, You've blocked his number and moved on).....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Opps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

More ideas:

Him: I've decided to give you another chance. Come on over so you can... (of course wanting something from you)

You: I'm not giving you any more chances. We're done.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

he said his phone broke and that is why he did not message.. i am not trying to make excuses for him, just stating what he told me so that you all get a balanced picture.. 


is this some kind of a psychological thing? being all lovey dovey and then suddenly switching off and behaving like he does not care? i need to understand this because i really want to avoid this type of people in the future... 


i do still wish he would return to normal, 4 years of feelings and love can't just be forgotten ... but it seems unlikely (him being normal) weeks have gone by.. i do still love him and it is very hard to forget someone you love... 

i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> he said his phone broke and that is why he did not message.. i am not trying to make excuses for him, just stating what he told me so that you all get a balanced picture..
> 
> is this some kind of a psychological thing? being all lovey dovey and then suddenly switching off and behaving like he does not care? i need to understand this because i really want to avoid this type of people in the future...


We keep telling you what this is. Over and over we have told you. 



hgcc2 said:


> i do still wish he would return to normal, 4 years of feelings and love can't just be forgotten ... but it seems unlikely (him being normal) weeks have gone by.. i do still love him and it is very hard to forget someone you love...


You are not understanding this at all. This IS HIS NORMAL. This is what he does and who he is. All the love in the world isnt going to change this fact. 



hgcc2 said:


> i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...


Your counselor is a moron.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2 said:


> he said his phone broke and that is why he did not message.. i am not trying to make excuses for him, just stating what he told me so that you all get a balanced picture..
> 
> 
> is this some kind of a psychological thing? being all lovey dovey and then suddenly switching off and behaving like he does not care? i need to understand this because i really want to avoid this type of people in the future...
> ...


He broke his phone ? Really !! Does he have feet to walk on ? Friends with phones
he could use at least to call you. Friends with a car so " Hey my girlfriend is sick and
I want to go take care of her " What about flowers or something ? Places do deliver.
I have sent my wife things overnight when I have been hundreds of miles away. Out 
of the country even. 

Counselor? Get a new one today. You go to them for help and they say things
like emasculating him and challenging him ? Maybe the counselor in some way 
sees that he is a spoiled, selfish, immature little child. You just talk and express
your feelings and he takes offense ? You have every right to do so and keep on 
doing so. 

You do love him greatly it has shown from the start. It will be hard to forget
and let go, that is understandable. You will never forget but you can move on.
Its not you but him. psychological issue no. Psycho issue and him wanting to
control everything.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I recall a similar thread on TAM a couple years back, maybe someone else remembers it and can link to it. But it was also a woman whose partner (husband, in this case) often went silent after disagreements, and she was stuck because she also had a very trivial argument with him and he still wasn't speaking to her a month later. 

The thread was very long, over months with the husband ignoring her, and on the few times they had to speak to each other he would say just the bare minimum and completely ignore her otherwise, pretending she wasn't even there. Eventually she moved on with her life, even moved out and the guy still didn't say anything. But after she moved out, he moved another woman in. Apparently he had been talking to a woman on the side and went through this whole process to get rid of his wife, while trying to look blameless, as if she left him, when in fact he had left her by completely checking out of the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Because he’s finally over it and ready to return to “normal” until the next time you say something he doesn’t like. 

You need a different therapist or if the one you have is typical in your culture then I don’t see the benefit of it for you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I recall a similar thread on TAM a couple years back, maybe someone else remembers it and can link to it. But it was also a woman whose partner (husband, in this case) often went silent after disagreements, and she was stuck because she also had a very trivial argument with him and he still wasn't speaking to her a month later.
> 
> The thread was very long, over months with the husband ignoring her, and on the few times they had to speak to each other he would say just the bare minimum and completely ignore her otherwise, pretending she wasn't even there. Eventually she moved on with her life, even moved out and the guy still didn't say anything. But after she moved out, he moved another woman in. Apparently he had been talking to a woman on the side and went through this whole process to get rid of his wife, while trying to look blameless, as if she left him, when in fact he had left her by completely checking out of the marriage.


I remember her, but don't remember her screen name. He abused her emotionally for years and moved on with the OW as soon as she was out of the house. The poster was very damaged by it all. She had financial problems as a result of the way the divorce was treated.

OP, please consider that your BF may want your relationship to end. Maybe he is punishing you for challenging him (absolutely unacceptable), or perhaps he just wants to move on from your relationship. Either way, he is clearly not the type to give you the respect of an honest conversation.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

hgcc2

From reading all of your posts
They may be just words on a page

One thing screams loudly and clearly to me.

You are better than this and better than him.
You deserve more than he can give. Better than him.

Pity this childish person who is losing someone who
loves him with all of her heart, and would forever.

He is an idiot because he cannot see that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

hgcc2 said:


> i have had another therapy session.. the counselor talked about how he could feel that i am challenging what he says and how he could feel "emasculated" and challenged. But what about my feelings? i shall have the freedom to talk without the man taking offense and feeling less like a man and feeling intimidated...





3Xnocharm said:


> Your counselor is a moron.


The BF could actually feel intimidated and emasculated whenever she has a different opinion. However, that is no excuse, or reason for OP to stay with him. In fact if he has that issue, it is a good reason for her to ditch him, because that problem is not going away.

OP, your boyfriend is damaged, broken. You cannot fix him, and he doesn't want to be fixed. Let this one go, and find a man who respects women as an equal, rather than being a chauvanist.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Adelais said:


> The BF could actually feel intimidated and emasculated whenever she has a different opinion. However, that is no excuse, or reason for OP to stay with him. In fact if he has that issue, it is a good reason for her to ditch him, because that problem is not going away.
> 
> 
> 
> OP, your boyfriend is damaged, broken. You cannot fix him, and he doesn't want to be fixed. Let this one go, and find a man who respects women as an equal, rather than being a chauvanist.


Exactly. 
If this is how your boyfriend thinks, he's an unhealthy man acting like a child. Four years is nothing compared to the years of life you will waste if you don't cut this off immediately. What you are thinking is called the sunk cost fallacy. Look it up. Rather than sinking more of your life into his bottomless pit of misery, let it go and move into a healthier situation.

There is no hope with him.

Him: My phone was broken. 

You: That's not all that's broken. We're finished. Do not contact me again. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> Him: My phone was broken.
> 
> You: *That's not all that's broken. We're finished. Do not contact me again*.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


Oh, if only she could say something like this to him!

OP, your constantly complaining to him about his treatment of you just tells him that you don't value yourself and that you're going to stick around for a while longer.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

How did he tell you his phone is broken? With his phone? Did he come over? Why are you still talking to him. 

You: I'm sorry your phone was broken. Please do not contact me again.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Build yourself up and walk out that door. Going weeks being distant after an argument is purely manipulative to get his way. 

A cool down hour, evening sure! Weeks?

You can do better!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship. 
Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
> Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
> Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.


What @Diana7 is saying is true. Years of his behavior will change you, and not in a good way. You need to love yourself enough to put yourself first and keep him away from you.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You can change yourself only. You can not change him. What exactly do you love about him now--at this time in your life? Do you want a future with someone who acts as he does? What would life be like if you were legally bound to him?

Have you ever seen a mouse play with its prey--batter it back and forth for entertainment? Love involves a deep commitment that includes understanding, forgiving, caring about the other. Self-love is the antithesis. 

Why are you reluctant to let him go? What have you done with him that keeps you prisoner? 

Have you been abused before in your past? Find support from those that love you. Work on yourself. Build yourself up. Find a different therapist and compare the results.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
> Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
> Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.


^^This.

Ask yourself this sweetie, what would you advise your daughter to do in this situation? Because make no mistake, we are as valuable and special as our daughters, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just as we want for them x

I told my (step)daughter years ago that when she grows up I hope that she expects her partner to treat her the way her Dad treats me. Not just want that, or desire that, but EXPECT it.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

sa58 said:


> He broke his phone ? Really !! Does he have feet to walk on ? Friends with phones
> he could use at least to call you. Friends with a car so " Hey my girlfriend is sick and
> I want to go take care of her " What about flowers or something ? Places do deliver.
> I have sent my wife things overnight when I have been hundreds of miles away. Out
> ...




yes.. he used the phone being broken as an excuse...he could have sent me flowers.. in fact he knows i LOVE flowers and that would have made me feel happy and loved... and yet he did not give me a gift/flowers/card.. if he didn't have money, i would be totally ok with not receiving anything... but he has money and yet choose not to gift me anything.


i do feel the counselor is not concerned about my viewpoint or what i am going through


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Theseus said:


> I recall a similar thread on TAM a couple years back, maybe someone else remembers it and can link to it. But it was also a woman whose partner (husband, in this case) often went silent after disagreements, and she was stuck because she also had a very trivial argument with him and he still wasn't speaking to her a month later.
> 
> .


i wish i could find that thread... it will be helpful


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> How did he tell you his phone is broken? With his phone? Did he come over? Why are you still talking to him.


he told me when we met at work..


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> You are not married. If you stay with him this is how your life will be from now on. You will be walking on eggshells every day afraid to say the wrong thing that will make him leave again and ignore you for weeks. This will make you ill. He is very immature and in no way ready to be in any sort of relationship.
> Is this the sort of man you want to father your children?
> Please stop contacting him, he isn't worth it and you are making it worse. You don't even need to divorce him, just say its over and move on.


i already have a fear in the back of my mind ... "if i say this (something i want to say) will he be distant? so i feel like i don't have the freedom to speak. in fact his ex has told him "i am afraid to talk with you" 

i wish i had the trust -"i can say this, he won't be distant"-
and
i wish i had safety -"he won't be distant, i am free to speak"- i would love to feel that trust and safety.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> You can change yourself only. You can not change him. What exactly do you love about him now--at this time in your life? Do you want a future with someone who acts as he does? *no.. i want a loving relationship where we can have arguments but can also have the trust that we won't leave each other after an argument and we are free to speak and we will bounce back to normal after a reasonable time *
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*i guess i keep hoping that things will change...i keep thinking about him.. when i start to eat , i remember him..i think "has he eaten" that kind of connection was there before...so it is hard to forget... even when i go to bed to sleep at night i think about him... i think about how he used to send me good night sweetheart.. i then wonder wow how can he hurt me like this (i know he does not care and that is why he is hurting me by being distant.) but sometimes your heart and brain are on two different pages....*


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

frusdil said:


> ^^This.
> 
> Ask yourself this sweetie, what would you advise your daughter to do in this situation? Because make no mistake, we are as valuable and special as our daughters, and deserve to be treated with love and respect just as we want for them x
> 
> I told my (step)daughter years ago that when she grows up I hope that she expects her partner to treat her the way her Dad treats me. Not just want that, or desire that, but EXPECT it.


thank you, this brought tears to my eyes.. your step daughter is lucky..


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You are addicted to him, and you're having normal withdrawl symptoms. Stay zero contact. Eventually your heart will catch up with your brain.

Can you find your indignation? That will speed up your recovery.

Can you begin to say to yourself, "How dare he treat me like that! I don't deserve that! How dare he!"


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

On Nov 10th, met him at work and he told me that he will not get his phone repaired until Dec 20th ... he has an exam on Dec 20th and he said he will repair the phone after that. that made it clear to me that he does not want to talk with me and he does not care about me. 


i have been surviving.. but the pain is so incredible that sometimes it hits me so hard.. i have had a marriage broken before... i don't like talking about it.. but... i will say this. after my ex husband left me i loss the faith about love and men. i thought i will never love again... and then i met this guy and he made me believe in love again... and now him doing this to me... it hurts so much... i keep thinking how can he hurt me like this... i am in a bad place. i have changed the counselor though..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Please stop asking the question of how and why can he do this. It’s not productive and keeping you stuck, and it really doesn’t matter. There is no how, this is just who he is and what he does. Period. I’m sorry you’re hurting but just be damn glad you didn’t marry this ass and are free to just move forward. 



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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It's time to let go and begin working on healing. Not all men are like him or like your ex. There are a lot of terrible people in the world who look for vulnerable individuals to manipulate, which is why it's important to learn to spot them and to know what they are looking for so you don't give off those signals. This would be a good thing to talk to your new therapist about. You want to be able to give off signals that show people that you are not easily manipulated and for you to be able to attract men who have kind and loving hearts.

Congratulations on getting a new therapist. I hope this one is realistic and on your side.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. And he’s not interested in changing. But you keep hoping he will wake up and as long as you do that you’ll be stuck with the pain. Is it easy to move on? Certainly not but it’s the choice you’re looking at.


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## hgcc2 (Oct 7, 2019)

just a quick note to say i am hanging on.. i miss him everyday and think about him but i am moving forward...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hgcc2 said:


> just a quick note to say i am hanging on.. i miss him everyday and think about him but i am moving forward...


Good for you! Keep it up! :smile2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

hgcc2 said:


> just a quick note to say i am hanging on.. i miss him everyday and think about him but i am moving forward...


What exactly do you miss about him?

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## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

Seems that this is a form of punishment. You need to decide if you can be with someone who does this, and where you cannot fully express how you feel. That’s never really going to work in the long haul.


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