# newbie: suspicious or worried about nothing



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

A little background info first. I'm middle age, married for over 20 years, 3 kids. Dated husband several years before getting married. We share the same values, have a close knit extended family who are very family oriented. No known infidelity in our family or close friends. I do acknowledge people don't advertise these things, and no one ever knows what secrets people hide.

My marriage has had bumps, but the past 7-8 years have been great. We share common hobbies, laugh, talk, etc. I am a bit of a cynic and tad jealous by nature. 

Here's where I need opinions: 
Dh moved into a new position at work. I have many coworkers and they seem like honest, supportive people. However, I am unsure of one whom I haven't met. This woman is about 17 years younger than dh and is based in another office several hours away. 
Over the summer, the company sponsored an athletic event open to anyone working at the corporation. It was a 36 hour team building event. 10 guys and 2 women went. Ok. Not sure why a single female would go , but whatever, it was open to any employee.

Dh texted me throughout the event, sent pictures, called me. a few times. He was in communication. Until he was driving home. I had to get a hold of him (knew he was on the way home- hands free phone,etc) he didn't answer. He said he was talking to a coworker in the car and didn't answer. Ok. Seemed odd, but could have been guys in the car, too.

A few weeks later the two of us went out. We had originally planned to meet friends, but they couldn't go. While we were eating, he told me he had extended the invite the single female from the corporate event ( who knew some of the friends we were going to meet). He said I' d like her. I asked why he didn't mention this before, as I never met her or heard of her. He said he sent a mass email to the group and she responded, wanted to go , but backed out. I never met her.

A few weeks later we met work people for dinner She was there. From what I recall, she didn't look at me when he introduced me. I found that odd. But people are different, some are shy. I mentioned this later, that I thought it was rude.

Dh often needs to be in contact with employees, so he texts here and there, but in plain site and the majority of the time comments on who it is.

I admit I am a bit uncertain around people I don't know, and that leads to a touch of insecurity.


Husband said that he felt I was accusing him of doing things he never did , I was jealous, and had to realize that he's going to know and work with people I don't know. Basically annoyed that I don't trust him.

To be fair, he is home when he says he will be. He has Find My devices visible to me. He goes out maybe twice a month for 2-3 hours with guys from work and sends pics, answers texts, etc. I also have PW for devices, but I don't snoop.

Never had proof of him cheating, other than being annoyed/angry when I insinuate ( 3 times when I was much younger) that he might be up to something. He says he's not a liar(never found him to be), and that he's annoyed about my trust issues). I am in counseling for that reason and feeling better.

So, would you listen to gut about suddenly hearing about a opposite sex coworker being invited out that also attended an overnight weekend event, who later gave you blank stare? OR am I fitting isolated details into a scenario I created trying to make pieces fit.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You should always trust your guts, but from the info you gave, I don't see anything that warrants suspicion, other than the time when he (supposedly) mass e-mailed his coworkers and not just her for the meet up with friends (did you confirmed that actually there was a mass e-mail invite?). The other side of the equation: do you know if you are an insecure person?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

/I am on the insecure side. I have self worth, but am honest enough to say I'm 7.5/8 on the looks scale.

Dh did say (after I insinuated he was cheating "would you be happy if I did cheat? Because I'm sick of being told I'm doing stuff I've never done." I do believe (rationally) he never has, my insecurity makes me wonder. Again, no unexplained time ,posts, excuses that don't line up. I am trying to work on trusting (had a horrible father , which is where lack of trust comes from).

I do know that when we dated years ago women did approach him (friends of mine) and he shut it down. I know he shut it down.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Yeah honestly it just sounds like the issue is she's younger/hotter and that makes you insecure which is human. Especially if you haven't been taking care of yourself as good as you could have. While I'd love to light up some torches and say burn the cheater, in this case I don't even see any smoke let alone a fire. Good luck with the counseling though, sounds like a good idea.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Hmm well I have been wrong many times on TAM when I say not cheating but I say not cheating. You can find out for sure if you get a PI to follow him around but it will probably be expensive.

If he’s having sex with you all the time then I’d say not cheating.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

In reply to "if you haven't kept yourself up", I'm training for a half marathon and run 45 minutes 4 times a week. I have work to do , but I'm running 4 miles 4 times a week so I'm not a slouch.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Dh did say (after I insinuated he was cheating "would you be happy if I did cheat? Because I'm sick of being told I'm doing stuff I've never done." I



You better watch out here. If you continue with this pattern without a valid reason you might get a self-fulfilling prophecy after awhile. People when continually are accused of of the same thing they tend to get eventually angry and out of spite they do what you accused them of. My advice: work on your issues; which seems to be family originated and break out of it. It will be the best gift you can give to yourself and to the health of your own family. A little confidence in oneself goes a long way.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> A little background info first. I'm middle age, married for over 20 years, 3 kids. Dated husband several years before getting married. We share the same values, have a close knit extended family who are very family oriented. No known infidelity in our family or close friends. I do acknowledge people don't advertise these things, and no one ever knows what secrets people hide.
> 
> My marriage has had bumps, but the past 7-8 years have been great. We share common hobbies, laugh, talk, etc. I am a bit of a cynic and tad jealous by nature.
> 
> ...


I can't speak for your husband, I can only speak for myself. 
It would not bother me if my wife checked up on me on occasions when she is feeling insecure.
It really shouldn't offend a spouse to be checked up on occasion, imo.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> A little background info first. I'm middle age, married for over 20 years, 3 kids. Dated husband several years before getting married. We share the same values, have a close knit extended family who are very family oriented. No known infidelity in our family or close friends. I do acknowledge people don't advertise these things, and no one ever knows what secrets people hide.
> 
> My marriage has had bumps, but the past 7-8 years have been great. We share common hobbies, laugh, talk, etc. I am a bit of a cynic and tad jealous by nature.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't jump to conclusions but I would just pay close attention to what goes on from this time forward. As far as her more or less snubbing you, she may just be one of those women who is so busy sucking up to the guys that she ignores women, but of course that's exactly the type who might go after one. 

Let's hope she has a short attention span anyway.


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## mindyb (Dec 10, 2021)

I'd be a bit suspicious without jumping to conclusions though. Sounds like he is trying to overcommunicate by giving you all the extra attention. Perhaps early signs of a guilty conscience?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Thank you for your insight.

I do struggle with insecurity, which I'm trying to work on. I just want to know the truth . As I said, dh is an honest person. He's straightforward and says it like it is, at work, with his family, friends. I know that to be the case.

I'm trying to be positive (realistic) and let go of "mindreading" reading into things.

Saying that, I did tell him I love him more than when I married him (as in our relationship has grown, not that I DIDN'T love him before,lol). His answer was "that's really sweet". Hmmm. 
Now, within the past month or so he's said things like "I hope you realize you're the love of my life and mean the world to me", just randomly. He does say "I love you" first, and not just when I tell him.

His love language is service, and I know words are not his thing. Working on realizing this more.

As to the comment about over communicating- when we were talking multiple times a day while he was gone, that was regarding a child's event he couldn't be at. I kept him up to date. We normally don't talk all day long during the work day. Maybe a quick text or call on way home. The times he's sent pictures while out, his boss was being a goof and took the picture. 

I'm trying to be alert and not paranoid. Like I said, I have nothing obvious like staying out much later than he said, story changing, taking calls in other rooms, changing clothes, social media stuff. 

When I first became worried I was dealing with starting new job, his new job, kids leaving for school, etc. I don't know if general anxiety compounded this or whether Im right to be suspicious.

FWIW, we did go to counseling together (my first session). The counselor met with both of us for 2 hours (we did intake forms/surveys) and HE (counselor) said "I don't sense infidelity, I sense insecurity" which is why I'm in1:1 counseling. Counselor didn't think MC was needed so much as I needed to resolve my issues.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

snowbum said:


> He said he was talking to a coworker in the car and didn't answer.


Which coworkers were in the car? Can you verify? He was never able to return your call?



snowbum said:


> He said I' d like her. I asked why he didn't mention this before, as I never met her or heard of her. He said he sent a mass email to the group and she responded, wanted to go , but backed out. I never met her.


Not a single person from the supposed mass email wanted to go?


snowbum said:


> From what I recall, she didn't look at me when he introduced me.


Why would he think you would like someone who wouldn't even look at you when introduced?
Can you find out what went on at that event - pics on company site or his coworkers?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I'll answer questions: i believe the email was sent to all. The event was cancelled because a guest of honor got sick. No coworkers came because the event was cancelled. It was a work event I was invited to join in, and it was a small event (4-5 people) 
We went out alone. The comment was made "had the event happened, I wanted you to meet so and so because you'd like them".

No pictures from event, but bosses (who I know and are srupulous people, were there. Not a drinking event at all. 

I was able to talk to dh after the drive home He was home when he said. As to who was in the car I can't verify. This was many months ago and I don't want to bring it up now.

As I said, I acknowledge I have a wonderful spouse and I am actively working on myself.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

How many kids, how old, how long after you married? Did you have dreams of the life you’re living now, or something different? How is intimacy? Who initiates?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> You better watch out here. If you continue with this pattern without a valid reason you might get a self-fulfilling prophecy after awhile. People when continually are accused of of the same thing they tend to get eventually angry and out of spite they do what you accused them of. My advice: work on your issues; which seems to be family originated and break out of it. It will be the best gift you can give to yourself and to the health of your own family. A little confidence in oneself goes a long way.


I totally agree with this. It drives a wedge between you that just can't be removed down the road. I'm not even talking about cheating, I'm saying I'd be getting tired of living with someone accusing me of doing something I'm not. In my mind I'd say ok if she can come to a conclusion like this without evidence, what other crazy thoughts and ideas are going on. I'd start to question my partner's competency in other areas as well. At that point, I'd be done.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

3 kids, high school and older. Married 20+ years and yes I am happy with the life we are living. We vacation as a family and alone. We both initiate kissing and hugging several times a day. Dh and I have a "pattern" where we kind of both initiate sex 3-4 times a week. We have kids in the room next to ours so sometimes it's a bit awkward and we have to manage around their schedule (coming in the room at times, etc).


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Al Bundy,
So in your opinion is this (questioning) thing something that can be overcome with working on my own trust issues, or would you be done simply because I brought it up? And if that's the case, do you feel we're best ending the marriage? Because I do realize that my unfounded questioning is my problem and I am being cognizant to end that behavior. I realize it's not helpful and I am trying to make amends.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Over the summer, the company sponsored an athletic event open to anyone working at the corporation. It was a 36 hour team building event. 10 guys and 2 women went. Ok. Not sure why a single female would go , but whatever, it was open to any employee.
> 
> A few weeks later we met work people for dinner She was there. From what I recall, she didn't look at me when he introduced me. I found that odd.


I snipped your post.

Why is it odd that the coworker participated in the athletic event? Because she's a woman, or because she's single? You sound EXTREMELY judgmental here. Ugh.

I do think it's odd she couldn't look at you when introduced. That would put me on alert, no question.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I see your point and do acknowledge I came off as judgmental. I'll own my point of view. I personally find a single woman spending the night with a bunch married guys (sleeping over) is not my comfort zone. I know that when I traveled for work with guys my husband did say he dealt with it, but it did make him slightly uncomfortable.

I also agree, I was on high alert. I never met her again and she live 2-3 hours away.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

snowbum said:


> I see your point and do acknowledge I came off as judgmental. I'll own my point of view. I personally find a single woman spending the night with a bunch married guys (sleeping over) is not my comfort zone. I know that when I traveled for work with guys my husband did say he dealt with it, but it did make him slightly uncomfortable.
> 
> I also agree, I was on high alert. I never met her again and she live 2-3 hours away.


It was a work team building activity. So she shouldn't go because she's single? Holy ****!!!!! Way to discriminate against single people. I'm glad you aren't a co worker of mine. 

Why not turn it around and say the married people shouldn't have gone???????? Oh right, because you don’t discriminate against married people. 

😒


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Al Bundy,
> So in your opinion is this (questioning) thing something that can be overcome with working on my own trust issues, or would you be done simply because I brought it up? And if that's the case, do you feel we're best ending the marriage? Because I do realize that my unfounded questioning is my problem and I am being cognizant to end that behavior. I realize it's not helpful and I am trying to make amends.


The fact that you are working on it is obviously good. It sounds like he's trying to be as open as possible and he probably would understand if it still comes up occasionally. I'm sure he appreciates the fact you recognize the issue and are addressing it. 

What I was referencing was situations where the other person is constantly accusing and bringing it up over and over again. After a while you get tired of defending yourself for something you haven't done. I've seen this happen when dating someone and their previous relationship ended because of cheating.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

snowbum said:


> was able to talk to dh after the drive home He was home when he said. As to who was in the car I can't verify. This was many months ago and I don't want to bring it up now.


I’m sorry @snowbum you feel the way you do, but the part I quoted above was really the only thing that stuck out to me as being odd. I find it hard to believe especially if he doesn’t travel that often if he couldn’t tell you who was riding with him. That is one thing I personally would find suspicious.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I didn't ask him who he was specifically riding home with. He had his boss in the car, they carpooled together. I doubt he would becnappropriate with his boss in the car (his boss is pretty conservative and a proponent of marriage-met his wife and feel boss wouldn't put up with married coworker screwing around on work trip).

He simply said "I was talking to coworkers. Logistically he had to have at least four people in the car as they took two vehicles and had 10 people.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> 3 kids, high school and older. Married 20+ years and yes I am happy with the life we are living. We vacation as a family and alone. We both initiate kissing and hugging several times a day. Dh and I have a "pattern" where we kind of both initiate sex 3-4 times a week. We have kids in the room next to ours so sometimes it's a bit awkward and we have to manage around their schedule (coming in the room at times, etc).





snowbum said:


> Al Bundy,
> So in your opinion is this (questioning) thing something that can be overcome with working on my own trust issues, or would you be done simply because I brought it up? And if that's the case, do you feel we're best ending the marriage? Because I do realize that my unfounded questioning is my problem and I am being cognizant to end that behavior. I realize it's not helpful and I am trying to make amends.


In one post you describe a marriage that many people here would dream of. I'm serious, it probably sounds like marital heaven to many. Then, in your very next post you're asking someone if they think you should just end the marriage now. It seems like you are actively looking for a reason to torpedo your marriage. Why do you think that is?


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

snowbum said:


> He simply said "I was talking to coworkers. Logistically he had to have at least four people in the car as they took two vehicles and had 10 people.


So why do you find it odd he didn’t communicate with you during that trip?? It would have un-polite of him to drop out of the convo and call you don’t you think?

Have to say I’d be really pissed off if my wife kept making the same baseless accusation against me….


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> I’m sorry @snowbum you feel the way you do, but the part I quoted above was really the only thing that stuck out to me as being odd. I find it hard to believe especially if he doesn’t travel that often if he couldn’t tell you who was riding with him. That is one thing I personally would find suspicious.


I'm not sure he actually said he didn't know who was in the car. That would be odd, but I doubt it is because he is cheating. IF anything it is because he doesn't want to trigger his wife because she obviously has a jealous streak and issues with insecurity, so he was avoiding giving a direct answer.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm not sure he actually said he didn't know who was in the car. That would be odd, but I doubt it is because he is cheating. IF anything it is because he doesn't want to trigger his wife because she obviously has a jealous streak and issues with insecurity, so he was avoiding giving a direct answer.


That may be true I was just going by what she posted that he said he could not verify who was in the car. I just thought that would be strange he would not know who was in his car.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I never said he couldn't verify. I said I never asked for the names of the people. I did not ask him. I


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

snowbum said:


> A little background info first. I'm middle age, married for over 20 years, 3 kids. Dated husband several years before getting married. We share the same values, have a close knit extended family who are very family oriented. No known infidelity in our family or close friends. I do acknowledge people don't advertise these things, and no one ever knows what secrets people hide.
> 
> My marriage has had bumps, but the past 7-8 years have been great. We share common hobbies, laugh, talk, etc. I am a bit of a cynic and tad jealous by nature.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing this story. 
I'm going to say that, upon reading this, I think your husband may have an attraction to this co worker on some level. Regarding the phone call and why he didn't respond, what has he done in the past when that's happened? And did you ask which coworker was in the car? I certainly would have. 

I think to some degree your husband is gaslighting you. He is denying your reality to cover something up, and I hope the something is minor. I also agree with other posters to see if there was a mass-email, hopefully your husband would be willing to show you that. 

Finally, I find it odd that he would invite this woman out with you both, even though there were other people there. For her not to look at you when you did meet, might indicate she has some degree of attraction to him also. 
If this continues, I really think you need to stand your ground and make sure to nip it in the bud, so that it doesn't become a serious issue.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I never said he couldn't verify. I said I never asked for the names of the people. I did not ask him. I


It’s nothing to me but this sentence right here is a direct quote from your post: “ *As to who was in the car I can't verify*.” As to who was in the car I can't verify.Maybe you didn’t mean to type but that was your own words not mine.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> It’s nothing to me but this sentence right here is a direct quote from your post: “ *As to who was in the car I can't verify*.” As to who was in the car I can't verify.Maybe you didn’t mean to type but that was your own words not mine.


SHE couldn't verify because she never asked him. He didn't dodge her question, she just didn't ask. Instead she let her imagination fill in the blanks.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

snowbum said:


> /I am on the insecure side. I have self worth, but am honest enough to say I'm 7.5/8 on the looks scale.
> 
> Dh did say (after I insinuated he was cheating "would you be happy if I did cheat? Because I'm sick of being told I'm doing stuff I've never done." I do believe (rationally) he never has, my insecurity makes me wonder. Again, no unexplained time ,posts, excuses that don't line up. I am trying to work on trusting (had a horrible father , which is where lack of trust comes from).
> 
> I do know that when we dated years ago women did approach him (friends of mine) and he shut it down. I know he shut it down.


Calling yourself a 7.5-8 on the looks scale is not a low score, so that sounds to me like you have a pretty high self worth as far as your looks go, especially if you are "middle aged". Which is good, I'm not criticizing you at all, I'm just pointing out that your insecurities must be based on something other than your perception of your looks.

You need to consider that your previous reactions and jealousy have made your husband hide things that he is afraid could cause issues for him with you that he doesn't want to deal with. I'm not saying that's right, but it could also be part of why your "gut" feels like he's acting suspiciously when he isn't.

I have also struggled with my own insecurities my whole life (I was anorexic as a teenager), and I can tell you that they are really YOUR problem. No one else is going to be able to make you feel better - it must come from within YOU.

I think part of it might be that you believe your fear and jealousy gives you more power in your relationship and more protection from him cheating or finding another woman attractive...but you are WRONG. It doesn't give you anything except anxiety and pain. 

Ultimately, we have no power over our partners in our relationships...and that's how it should be. You want someone to CHOOSE you and to want YOU, without any threats. That's how you know it's real!!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

snowbum said:


> Never had proof of him cheating, *other than* being annoyed/angry when I insinuate ( 3 times when I was much younger) that he might be up to something.


The truth is you've NEVER had any proof....being annoyed/angry at being accused of cheating is NOT proof of cheating (given the info given).

You're now up to accusing him at least 4 times (probably more, am I right?)

You say you have insecurity issues......then sort them out on your own, and stop pursuing unnecessary and probably irreparable damage to what seems like a good marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@snowbum kindly meant, all three of your threads are on the same topic. If you'll keep all in one thread, you'll get better responses.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Ragnar, good point. 
LisaDiane, you are spot on. What you say is complete truth. I have weeks where I feel secure with myself and that I'm making progress, which is a personal battle I have to figure out.

BigDaddy, filling in the blanks/catastrophizing is what I am working on. Mindreading is what I am working on with a therapist. I acknowledge the need, I am seeking help, and I am trying to overcome it.

As to the car, i did not ask to be told WHO was in the car. The answer was a conversation was going on. I get not wanting to interrupted. When I call other times he picks up or calls back. As I said, I had a family situation (parent who was ill) I wanted to update husband and do so in a reasonable time as healthcare was involved. I talked to him 2 hours later in person.I explained how I felt and he has returned calls since then. 

As to the work event, I'll try to be clear. A mutual friend planned to come to town. That day they learned they couldn't come. The coworker was closley affiliated with this person and that is why they were invited I was the only one invited that didn't work with other people. No one really wanted to hang out other than to meet the friend in town.for the day.. When the person we were all going to meet up with cancelled, the event as planned didn't happen. My husband and I went out anyway on our own. 

Some one asked about sabotage. That is an excellent point. It made me look at my own behavior. I think it goes back to not feeling completely lovable due to a horrible (I do mean horrible ) situation years ago. 

Midlife doesn't help.

I don't want to be gaslit. The worst thing I can imagine is to be played like a sucker. I have said "I would be upset if we broke up, but I know I would live a good life. I would rather be together with complete honesty, than to be with someone out of pity,etc" All in with no reservations, or not in. I don't want an in between or lies. People do grow apart. I don't plan that to happen, thus trying to get my crap together. 

But I agree. with the sentiment: man or woman up rather than cheat.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

snowbum said:


> Al Bundy,
> So in your opinion is this (questioning) thing something that can be overcome with working on my own trust issues, or would you be done simply because I brought it up? And if that's the case, do you feel we're best ending the marriage? Because I do realize that my unfounded questioning is my problem and I am being cognizant to end that behavior. I realize it's not helpful and I am trying to make amends.


Wow! How do we get from anything you’ve said so far to “And if that’s the case, do you feel we’re best endin the marriage?”

It feels like there’s more to this story than what’s been said. It feels like you’re trying to drive him away. This feels like a lot more than basic insecurity. More like you’re trying to sabotage the relationship and trying to find a reason to end it. Maybe not consciously though.

I would print out all of your comments and let your IC read them. IC first, not a marriage counselor.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Al Bundy,
> So in your opinion is this (questioning) thing something that can be overcome with working on my own trust issues, or would you be done simply because I brought it up? And if that's the case, do you feel we're best ending the marriage? Because I do realize that my unfounded questioning is my problem and I am being cognizant to end that behavior. I realize it's not helpful and I am trying to make amends.



Do you want to end the marriage? That's a big jump.

Could that be what all this is about?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Do you want to end the marriage? That's a big jump.
> 
> Could that be what all this is about?


Exactly my thought. How do you go from writing a paragraph about how great your marriage is then jump to asking if someone thinks she should just end it? That is a huge leap I don't understand.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I don't want to end my marriage. What I said was I feel that I want both of us to be all in and honest or happy on our own. I don't want to be with anyone that would cheat on me. I'm not saying he is, or that I have any evidence. I am saying that before my dh would cheat I'd rather he tell me his concerns/issues if there are any.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Let’s go back to the beginning of your marriage, has their been any infidelity on your end? Even an attraction, lots of, or one special male friend? 

Sometimes we can project? 

I too am concerned by the extremities here. 

For some reason, I am seeing that your husband is going out of his way to explain things upfront. Which is highly unusual, even in cases where suspicions are just that, suspicions. For some reason, infidelity and the possibility of it happening seems to be taking a huge focus in your marriage. From both sides. 

What is this reason?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I've read all your comments and found them to be helpful.

I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I was an unknowing participant in a college "affair " if you will. I dated a guy from another college who swore up and down he was single. Back in the day of no email, long distance, the whole nine yards. I went to visit him only to run into his girlfriend. There was a huge scene (on her end) and I broke it off after that. I felt horrible about what happened.

I had a few other short relationships in college (never had sex with them), and found out they also had multiple partners. These were not happy experiences.

My dad was abusive and abandoned me at a young age.

This might explain part of my fear of infidelity.

As far as sharing upfront or explaining things upfront, or oversharing, I'm not expressing myself well. He doesn't have a "pat " answer about his day as soon as he walks in the door. He answers a question when I ask, and I might ask a few hours or days later.

Regarding the outing in which people cancelled . I asked a few days later why he mentioned inviting someone when I thought we were going out alone because his friend cancelled and plans changed. He said that I knew everyone else going, and this additional person was an acquaintance he thought I'd hit it off with. I get along well with wives of his friends, he said he thought knowing who I enjoy hanging out with , this would be the same thing. 

Again with sharing upfront, if he has work events or is going out with people, he'll let me know so don't make plans or sit home by myself. I consider letting me know if he has stuff to do polite.
Texting pictures from bars and stuff? That's not any every time thing. If he planned to go out after work and I text (not everytime), he might respond with "X says hi, shooting the ****". 

The car conversation comment: I was in an emotional state because, as a I said, a family member was really sick. He wasn't aware of it at the time. I wanted to fill him in. When he didn't answer it bugged me. When he said he was "talking to coworkers", at first I was upset that he wouldn't answer and see why I was calling. I was more upset that it had actually been an emergency and by not picking up, I couldn't give him the information. Later I wondered why he didn' t answer. I think it's more me playing fill in the blanks.

I've talked with my husband. I've let him know that I would rather have upfront communication about our schedules, what 's going on that week, than be thrown for a loop. It helps me with my anxiety. I've never been a person who really likes surprises or change. It is what it is. 

At this point I know my anxiety is controlling me. I know that most likely I'm "story telling" rather than seeing things that are. Thank you for your advice.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So still don’t get why you’d be thinking it _could_ make sense to end the marriage than continue. It sounds like your husband is the rock that anchors the family. How would you cope without that rock?

The biggest danger I see is your husband developing co-dependent traits to help cope with your anxiety.

Routine and ritual are your best friends for staying calm, but at the same time, you need resiliency to stay calm when routine is broken.

It’s very tough living with a spouse with your issues. His own routines are an important part of his coping mechanisms. Something to keep in mind.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’m a believer in trusting your gut. If your gut is telling that your husband has been less than true with his intentions when it comes to this woman, don’t just ignore them. The fact that your husband’s coworker wouldn’t make eye contact with you is a red flag. It could be unrequited feelings on her part but your husband inviting this woman without letting you know first is one of those things that make you go hmm. 

We have many threads of BHs that had interactions with their WW’s OM. The WW almost always says, “oh, you’re going to like Joe the POS”. It’s a great way to have an affair undercover. If women do it, why can’t a guy do it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

jsmart: I know the woman is a friend of the person who was invited to the gathering. I know they had a professional relationship, and no longer saw each other regularily, which is why people were getting together, It was a meet up to touch base/catch up. 

Honestly, when I am thinking unemotionally, I think the situation was as he said. I was a bit put off that he didn't tell me originally. When I asked why, his explanation was that the whole group that knew this guy, were invited. 

There has since been a time that the "group" met up to meet this person. We had plans and did not go. I was invited, but dh and I had prior engagements and the meet up was spur of the moment. Yes, I believe this . I saw the text and time stamp that said "so and so will be in town if you can meet us at xyz", which we couldn;t do. I would think if the other person were going and dh wanted to be there, he would have arranged our schedule to go OR he would have gone as "meeting up with workers" and could have not mentioned it., if his intentions were to do so.

As far as I know, they haven't met since. He doesn't travel and works at home. We have a ring I can see, so I would know other people were coming and going/or neighbor would comment.

I believe that my anxiety did cause me to rewrite things into a narrative that I was convinced was true. I'll admit I've been "sure " of other things, and found out I was wrong. What I'm saying is I feel my gut is right, when I know it's been wrong.

When I met the team and she didn't make eye contact, we were being introduced for maybe 10 seconds. There were 10 other people there. It was a "hi nice to meet you," next person, and then return to conversation.

Could I be clueless and being duped? I guess. But I am beginning to realize that what I think I see may more likely be "suspicious imagination" rather than in your face fact.

I do not want this to be true. I want to continue counseling and maybe antianxiety meds. Focus on me. If I do that, work on a better me, and nothing changes, I can move on IF something is in fact happening.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I’m a believer in trusting your gut. If your gut is telling that your husband has been less than true with his intentions when it comes to this woman, don’t just ignore them. The fact that your husband’s coworker wouldn’t make eye contact with you is a red flag. It could be unrequited feelings on her part but your husband inviting this woman without letting you know first is one of those things that make you go hmm.
> 
> We have many threads of BHs that had interactions with their WW’s OM. The WW almost always says, “oh, you’re going to like Joe the POS”. It’s a great way to have an affair undercover. If women do it, why can’t a guy do it.


Normally I would completely agree with you, but in this case I think @snowbum has some issues she is dealing with that make her "gut" unreliable. When you get the details, just clean details without her spin or filling in the blanks everything sounds innocent


@snowbum Glad to see you are coming to terms with your own issues and you are seeking help. It sounds like you have a good marriage and you should do everything you can to not torpedo it with unfounded concern and jealousy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Do you workout? If not, please start. The endorphin release, will lift your spirits and seeing a fitter version of yourself in the mirror will help bring out your sassy side. Marriage and parenthood can suppress the playful sassy girl that pulled your husband to wife you up.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Yes I do. I run 4 days a week.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@snowbum, You said there were two cars and ten people. They must have been packed into those cars. I normally answer my phone when my husband calls, but if I were driving a car full if business associates and my husband called, I wouldn't answer, because the entire conversation would be broadcast to everyone in the car. It's uncomfortable. 

Further, I don't think it matters whether or not the woman rode in that car. There's a 50% chance she did. It would be extremely awkward if she was going to ride in your husband's vehicle and he refused to allow it. Plus, how would he know that you would be jealous of that particular woman? Should he have said that only men could ride with him? Can you imagine how that would go down? 
You are wise to recognize that you have an insecurity and jealousy problem. It's good that you are working through it with a therapist. It sounds like your anxiety can get pretty severe. That can definitely mess with your gut feeling. I hope things improve for you. Anxiety can cause so much damage. I'm sorry you're suffering from it. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> A little background info first. I'm middle age, married for over 20 years, 3 kids. Dated husband several years before getting married. We share the same values, have a close knit extended family who are very family oriented. No known infidelity in our family or close friends. I do acknowledge people don't advertise these things, and no one ever knows what secrets people hide.
> 
> My marriage has had bumps, but the past 7-8 years have been great. We share common hobbies, laugh, talk, etc. I am a bit of a cynic and tad jealous by nature.
> 
> ...


My wife used to be like you. It definately put a strain on me and i have many scars from her accusations and making jabs because she would get in her head and start looking for things not there. I have mental scars from her behavior toward me. Several times i have told her i was not her POS ex husband and quit trearing me like i did something! 

Her getting pissy and making accusations and comments about leaving and divorcing kept me from goint to the bank to purchase a house. She was upset about not having our own house...but at same time i am not going to buy a house with a woman that keeps threatening to leave.

I had her on a pedestel for do long and her mental abusiveness with accusations of cheating or me wanting to cheat did a number on how highky i thought of her. 

Her ex was a serial cheater...so she just assumes all men are powerless to control their urges around willing women. So all men are cheaters or want to be.

This left my head reeling. I kept trying to analyze what it could be that i was doing that would make her think that. I was as loyal as they come and thought the sun rose and set with her. It was driving me crazy. 

I would even avoid contact with other women, no acknowledging they existed if i passed them in a store. They can open their own door to the gas station. I was racking my brain trying to think what in the hell i could be doing to make her think i wanted someone else. I was not doing anything...it was all in her head.

It got bad enough that i was ready to divorce her with 2 kids under 10. It is like death by a thousand paper cuts. 

One day she was pissed and thinking i was wanting our widowed secretary at work...she was old enough to be my freaking mom. She made a threat kind of a two can play that game, when she said that when she divorced her ex that she went hog wild. 

I was stunned, that day the prize i saw her as was destroyed. I thought OMG i married a wh0r3. I could not even speak, it was like my heart was ripped out and i could not get any air. I could not even look at her. Was in her car and she asked if i wanted her to take me to my truck. I nodded because i was unable to speak. I got out and left in my truck. All this was because she had a suspicious mind. I would not tell her if i had to go to work function with a female co worker due to her head games.

Other problem was she said after her divorce....we were together a month before it was final. I went to court house with her. Her hog wild was 2 ONS after separation from ex.

Took 10+ yrs to break her out of that. I still bear scars and pain from that.


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