# Marrying again with kids in the house



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So I had an interesting Labor Day weekend. My GF and I went camping with some friends of mine and it was an eye opening experience. I have known them for about 4 years and actually married my friend to her husband. They had a fast, under a year, courtship and got married. He brought in 3 kids that he has 50% custody of and she has one kiddo full time. while I think she married too quickly the one thing I always admired was that they seemed to blend thier family together and quickly. They always seemed to be on the same page about raising the kids and their is no difference between his and hers. Well I his weekend I saw different. They fought a large part of the weekend about the kids. To say the least they are not on the same page. So I finally pulled my friend aside and asked what's up. She says they fight almost now stop about the kids, how to discipline the kids, being equal with the kids. Just goes to show you how unreal Fakebook actually is because you would think this couple could write a book on how to blend a family lol.

So this got me thinking about my own situation. My GF and I are great but we are no where close to the same page about raising our kids. In our house she basically takes care of her son and I take care of my daughters. I don't think we could successfully parent together if we tried to blend that.

I have started to think that when it comes to minor kids still in the house it may be best to not marry and not blend. Save that till after the kids are up and out of the house. Anyway that's kinda how I'm thinking.... wondered if anyone else thought like that or maybe had a success story of a successful marriage with kids from the first?


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Most subsequent marriages fail specifically due to conflicts arising from children from prior marriages.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Tobin said:


> Most subsequent marriages fail specifically due to conflicts arising from children from prior marriages.


BINGO!! I have no interest in blending a family if I can escape this marriage. Actually, I probably would not be interested in Marriage again at all but certainly not if she had minor children at home. DUDE


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> So I had an interesting Labor Day weekend. My GF and I went camping with some friends of mine and it was an eye opening experience. I have known them for about 4 years and actually married my friend to her husband. They had a fast, under a year, courtship and got married. He brought in 3 kids that he has 50% custody of and she has one kiddo full time. while I think she married too quickly the one thing I always admired was that they seemed to blend thier family together and quickly. They always seemed to be on the same page about raising the kids and their is no difference between his and hers. Well I his weekend I saw different. They fought a large part of the weekend about the kids. To say the least they are not on the same page. So I finally pulled my friend aside and asked what's up. She says they fight almost now stop about the kids, how to discipline the kids, being equal with the kids. Just goes to show you how unreal Fakebook actually is because you would think this couple could write a book on how to blend a family lol.
> 
> So this got me thinking about my own situation. My GF and I are great but we are no where close to the same page about raising our kids. In our house she basically takes care of her son and I take care of my daughters. I don't think we could successfully parent together if we tried to blend that.
> 
> I have started to think that when it comes to minor kids still in the house it may be best to not marry and not blend. Save that till after the kids are up and out of the house. Anyway that's kinda how I'm thinking.... wondered if anyone else thought like that or maybe had a success story of a successful marriage with kids from the first?


Do you live with your girlfriend?

If you don't have similar parenting philosophies, you have no business living together.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Workathome said:


> Do you live with your girlfriend?
> 
> If you don't have similar parenting philosophies, you have no business living together.


Says who? Hasn't been an issue for us. If anything it's shown to be a great thing because we realized we aren't on the same page better than getting married and finding that out.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Tobin said:


> Most subsequent marriages fail specifically due to conflicts arising from children from prior marriages.


Not that I'm disputing this, but I have seen this said here on TAM several times before. Is there a source somewhere for this data? Just out of curiosity. 

In my last marriage (my 2nd), my ex brought one son in (4yo) at that time, and I had none due to my son who died at 15months a few years prior. So I think we blended our parenting technique of her (then "our") son, and when our daughter was born we were essentially on the same page parenting wise.

Our marriage ended due to her infidelity, pure and simple.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Tobin said:


> Most subsequent marriages fail specifically due to conflicts arising from children from prior marriages.


Doesn't surprise me at all from what I have seen


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Not that I'm disputing this, but I have seen this said here on TAM several times before. Is there a source somewhere for this data? Just out of curiosity.
> 
> In my last marriage (my 2nd), my ex brought one son in (4yo) at that time, and I had none due to my son who died at 15months a few years prior. So I think we blended our parenting technique of her (then "our") son, and when our daughter was born we were essentially on the same page parenting wise.
> 
> Our marriage ended due to her infidelity, pure and simple.


Are you still in contact with her son and what I presume was your stepson?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In doing online dating, I run into hordes of men in the 38-48 age range who have young, sometimes very young, children. At 38, with a 15 year old son, I cannot even imagine starting over with littles at home. I'm just in a very different phase of my life than a man who has a 3 and 5 year old, even if our ages are similar. I've found I tend to be more compatible with men whose children are at least my son's age if not older. An added bonus is that by the time marriage arises as a serious topic for discussion (say 2-3 years from now), we should be able to largely side-step a daily blended family scenario - since our children will all be out of the house. 

I also see a lot of men in that age range who don't have children and say they definitely want kids. A newborn at 40 or 45? At 48?!?! Just the thought gives me chills.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We each had teenagers part-time when we got together. We had very few problems agreeing on how to manage them, and each brought some unique skills and useful perspectives to the enterprise. We discussed problems together before facing the kids with our decisions.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Rowan said:


> In doing online dating, I run into hordes of men in the 38-48 age range who have young, sometimes very young, children. At 38, with a 15 year old son, I cannot even imagine starting over with littles at home. I'm just in a very different phase of my life than a man who has a 3 and 5 year old, even if our ages are similar. I've found I tend to be more compatible with men whose children are at least my son's age if not older. An added bonus is that by the time marriage arises as a serious topic for discussion (say 2-3 years from now), we should be able to largely side-step a daily blended family scenario - since our children will all be out of the house.
> 
> I also see a lot of men in that age range who don't have children and say they definitely want kids. A newborn at 40 or 45? At 48?!?! Just the thought gives me chills.


My thoughts exactly. My youngest is twelve now. If I'm out of here(M) in a year, then a year in recovery time. My youngest is 14 as I'm hitting the scene again at age 46. Woohoo!!!!!! DUDE


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Rowan said:


> *In doing online dating, I run into hordes of men in the 38-48 age range who have young, sometimes very young, children. At 38, with a 15 year old son, I cannot even imagine starting over with littles at home. I'm just in a very different phase of my life than a man who has a 3 and 5 year old, even if our ages are similar. I've found I tend to be more compatible with men whose children are at least my son's age if not older. * An added bonus is that by the time marriage arises as a serious topic for discussion (say 2-3 years from now), we should be able to largely side-step a daily blended family scenario - since our children will all be out of the house.
> 
> I also see a lot of men in that age range who don't have children and say they definitely want kids. A newborn at 40 or 45? At 48?!?! *Just the thought gives me chills.*


YES this is me too! The last thing I want to do is to raise someone else's children now that mine is 18! That may sound really selfish, but it is what it is. 9 and up, I am good. Little ones....NOPE.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Are you still in contact with her son and what I presume was your stepson?


No, but that is a long story. Short version is that he lived with his mom for the first year after the divorce, and then with his dad the second year. Not sure what he saw, participated in, etc during those times, but is now on a sex offenders list as of this last year. I don't want to give a whole lot of detail here even though this is the "anonymous" internet.

But it's a whole different topic.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> YES this is me too! The last thing I want to do is to raise someone else's children now that mine is 18! That may sound really selfish, but it is what it is. 9 and up, I am good. Little ones....NOPE.


That's the way I feel as well. Also I DONE having my own. I'm about to turn 35 and my daughter is 9. I'm ready to finish what I've started and get her all growed up. If I can be a good role model to someone else's kids (9 and up!), all for the better.

A year or so ago I was dating a girl with no kids who had very good chemistry with me. Things were heading in a very good direction until she broke it to me that she wanted 4 kids of her own! Sorry honey, but I'm not the guy looking to *start* a family in my mid 30s. Good for some, not for me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

TheGoodGuy said:


> No, but that is a long story. Short version is that he lived with his mom for the first year after the divorce, and then with his dad the second year. Not sure what he saw, participated in, etc during those times, but is now on a sex offenders list as of this last year. I don't want to give a whole lot of detail here even though this is the "anonymous" internet.
> 
> But it's a whole different topic.


Sorry man sounds like a hard few years. Cheated on and then that. Hope things are going well now for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Also finished with kids here and cut to make sure. Too old to start over and retirement in about 15 years soon as my youngest is done with HS. I couldn't imagine diapers and bottles again 

Just no way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Tobin said:


> Most subsequent marriages fail specifically due to conflicts arising from children from prior marriages.


I know of one case where the woman had a boyfriend for about 20 plus years and only married him after he kids were grown and out of the house She had a terrible first marriage and did not want her kids to have to deal with their parents divorce and her bringing a new man into their life and their home. He waited for her - they married and from what I understand are very happy.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have started to think that when it comes to minor kids still in the house it may be best to not marry and not blend. Save that till after the kids are up and out of the house. Anyway that's kinda how I'm thinking.... wondered if anyone else thought like that or maybe had a success story of a successful marriage with kids from the first?


I would go one step further and not agree to move in together until after the kids were gone. 

Your post made me think of my mother. She kept a LTR hidden from us for YEARS. My siblings and I would often feel really sorry for her because ya know "mom must be so lonely on the days we're not there to keep her company", meanwhile mom was getting her kicks and giggles with her beau every single minute we weren't around, LOL. 

It all made sooooo much sense after we learned of his existence. There were gaps in her schedule; blocks of time when we couldn't account for her whereabouts.

She finally introduced him to us right before my wedding. My youngest sister was 15 at the time. Her reasons for not doing so sooner was that my siblings were young when she began dating him. He too had young children and she had no intentions of raising another man's children, and even less desire to ever remarry. Therefore she saw no reason to co-habitate but instead did her best to keep her love life separate from her family life.

No complaints here. I think their relationship would have never lasted as long as it did had they agreed to blend families.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I married my second husband, who I'm currently married to, when my boys were 10 and 7. Husband has a daughter but she is older and out of the house. I can't say it's always easy, though he does get along with my boys pretty well there is some headbutting. I think it helps that I'm fairly strict with them and assume the discipline.....we have had some issues because I think he has huge double standards compared to how his daughter was raised but have been able to deal with it for the most part. They are very nice boys, the kind that everyone loves having around.

I take the position that the boys need to respect him as an adult in the house, which they do, but in the end parenting decisions are made by me. If husband doesn't like that it's too damn bad for him, I didn't stick my nose in where his daughter was concerned and I have plenty of opinions about that, so I expect that he doesn't stick his nose into things that don't impact him. 

I think when dealing with other peoples' kids it's good to consider what really impacts you and what doesn't. I do think it would be harder if we both had kids at home and there were double standards.....fortunately we don't have to deal with that.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

IMHO, it is irresponsible to begin a new romantic relationship after a divorce when minor kids are in the picture. 

Your kids deserve your affection and attention, not your new love. And to force them to negotiate an awful situation like divorce w/ strange kids seems doubly cruel.

I plan to leave my marriage after my kids are out of the house (about 10 years from now), unless my H leaves me first. If he does, I will not date until my kids are adults. It is the very least they are owed by their parents.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You are planning your end of the marriage ten years out?? Wow and I thought waiting 8 months was gonna be bad!! Frame him w a hooker or something


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> I would go one step further and not agree to move in together until after the kids were gone.
> 
> Your post made me think of my mother. She kept a LTR hidden from us for YEARS. My siblings and I would often feel really sorry for her because ya know "mom must be so lonely on the days we're not there to keep her company", meanwhile mom was getting her kicks and giggles with her beau every single minute we weren't around, LOL.
> 
> ...


Yeah not sure I would live with someone again. Just makes things a little more complicated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Cara said:


> IMHO, it is irresponsible to begin a new romantic relationship after a divorce when minor kids are in the picture.
> 
> Your kids deserve your affection and attention, not your new love. And to force them to negotiate an awful situation like divorce w/ strange kids seems doubly cruel.
> 
> I plan to leave my marriage after my kids are out of the house (about 10 years from now), unless my H leaves me first. If he does, I will not date until my kids are adults. It is the very least they are owed by their parents.


Not sure I agree or know how one relates to another. I don't dump my kids for my new girlfriend. She has her place in my heart but my kids are my heart. When my x put all of us second I was the one to make my kids a priority and always will. They are my first and maybe that's why people fail so often in second marriages with young kids. Because the spouse doesn't come first ?? Tough balancing act for those who can do it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Ok this is interesting and goes perfectly with my thoughts for the day. I don't plan on dating until after my kids are out of HS at least so I have 7 more years until my youngest is done (goodness!). 
Their father is a crappy father (don't tell anyone I'm bashing) so it would be easier if I just waited until they are on their own before I entertain the idea of another man in their lives particularly as an authoritative figure.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Ok this is interesting and goes perfectly with my thoughts for the day. I don't plan on dating until after my kids are out of HS at least so I have 7 more years until my youngest is done (goodness!).
> Their father is a crappy father (don't tell anyone I'm bashing) so it would be easier if I just waited until they are on their own before I entertain the idea of another man in their lives particularly as an authoritative figure.


Ive seen numerous friends' moms do this when i was growing up and it worked out the best in my opinion. My mom chose not to do this and had wierdos and step dads rolling in and out of the house. I applaud your efforts. DUDE


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Honestly, I think my kids would do better with a man in the house (my kids are 7 and 9). We have a family friend who they adore having over. He is very involved in raising them even though we are just close friends. My kids constantly ask to see him. He gets on them if they arent doing the right thing. He takes them out. They are missing that in their life and they love he provides that. They know we arent dating but he is simply a friend 

Now the man I am currently dating has grown kids. I think he is hesitant to start over with kids in the house though he denies it. He hasnt met the kids but at some point we either will stop dating or he will committ to being in our lives. Im in no rush but I am not going to deny myself a good thing either. 

I think sacrificing yourself in this instance isnt the wise thing to do. Its like let's stay together for the kids. Usually its a disaster.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Ok this is interesting and goes perfectly with my thoughts for the day. I don't plan on dating until after my kids are out of HS at least so I have 7 more years until my youngest is done (goodness!).
> Their father is a crappy father (don't tell anyone I'm bashing) so it would be easier if I just waited until they are on their own before I entertain the idea of another man in their lives particularly as an authoritative figure.


I feel the same way. 

Unfortunately my ex does not. At least his GF's daughters are grown and live in another state. It's bad enough my son will even need to be exposed to her, let alone her family.

I don't expect things to work out for them, the way he's talking about her lately. He says so, himself. And yet he's going to move her down here in time for my son to have to stay with them for five days while I'm out of town. He's told me all they do is argue lately, and implies she doesn't like how much time he spends with his son, already. 

I don't think it's generally selfish to blend families, but I think it is when you do it too soon.

I don't plan to date for a long time - at least a couple years. Perhaps not until my son is out of high school. I want him to at least have one parent who doesn't subject him to a Parade of @ssholes.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We are a blended family with 5 teens, kids are with their other bio parent at least 50% of the time. We are not legally married and won't go down that path for about 3 years when most of them are in Uni.

What works here is that we do not parent each others kids, honestly I think that is where most people go wrong. My kids already have two amazing, fully functioning and involved parents, they would resent their Step Dad playing real life daddy. If they were to go to him as a father figure then great but on a daily basis he is a bonus adult in their lives.
The same applies to me with his kids.


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