# Sex during the affair



## confused4322

I have a couple of questions about the sex in the affair. I have read so many times that the sex during the affair is the greatest. My first question is, if the WS spouse really does think this then why do they want to stay with the BS? Also, as the BS how can you be o.k. with staying with somebody who had the best sex ever with somebody else during your marriage?


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## brokenbythis

Fantasy: I posted this in another thread:
How many cheaters use condoms? 

Exactly. My cheating adulterous STBXH didn't - and he got the skank OW pregnant. 

I've read so much literature discussing this issue. That the majority of cheating spouses don't use condoms. 2 common theories seem to explain:

1/ *The excitement and affair fog.. they are not in reality. Pregnancy and/or STDs are the last thing on their mind. They are in a fantasy world and real world consequences don't exist at the time*.

2/ They have been in a long term marriage and are so used to not using condoms and not having unplanned pregnancies.

When I found out about my ex cheating and having unprotected sex with other women, I went to my doctor, told her why I needed a full STD test panel done, and she said "you'd be surprised how many patients I see that are having affairs and having unprotected sex. You'd also be surprised how many married women come in here pregnant to OM".

I would never have imagined. When I was single I didn't let a man near me without a condom. Not negotiable.


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## Mtts

Well for a person having sex outside the marriage it adds a hieghtened sense of danger and excitement. They know they shouldn't be doing it, possibly could get caught. Even those who say "I never thought I'd get caught" liked the added danger of being revealed.

I would imagine this is even stronger when both parties are married as either of their spouses could walk in. It's the thrill of taking something that doesn't belong to you, in a very primitive way and conquering it. 

So, I guess what I'm saying is, this isn't about good sex necessarily. It's about feeling powerful and like you are above rules. In reality it might not be that great, but the high from being undetected, while having multiple partners adds a layer to their sexual experience.


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## Chris989

That question has puzzled me enormously. My ex wife went out of her way to have sex without a condom with the OM. He was from a relatively high risk group, was having regular sex with at least one other woman yet my ex took contraceptive injections to enable their unprotected sex - something she would never do for me.

She was enormously paranoid about HIV and other STDs. To the point of obsessive behaviour. 

For her, it was about being the best she could possibly be for him. Not giving him a reason to not be with her. Everything else went out of the window. For the last 6 months of her relationship they had unprotected sex until he wanted to "finish", then he put one on. 

I could go on and on about the contradictions, but the underlying point is that she did it as a means of trying to make sure he stayed with her.

I imagine that, plus the excitement, plus the fact that many are used to having sex without condoms and pressure to continue like this are all in there.

Ultimately, NO wayward cares about giving their spouse or children STDs or HIV. The more I read and research about this tells me that people whom betray are ultimately selfish and this is evident in other aspects of their lives too.


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## HarryDoyle

My WW didn't think it was the "best sex ever", which is why she continued to have sex with me doing her A. She said it was just "different", and that she never experienced an "O" during the whole thing. (Which I believe 100% knowing how she is.) The OM was 15 years younger and this really stroked my wife's ego, which was the main reason she got drawn into the A in the first place.


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## The Middleman

There are plenty of waywards posting on this board, it would be great to hear from them on this subject. (but we won't hear from them)


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## Myka

I never had actual sex. The sexting wasn't hot. I just did it because I felt obligated to go along. He was giving me the attention I wanted so I gave him what he wanted. Some of his "hot sex" ideas were a real turn off.

Maybe I'm not the norm though.


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## brokenbythis

LanieB said:


> I have heard some WS's explain that the sex "seemed" more exciting because it was forbidden and was with someone new. As for the actual sex acts - most of the time they were plain vanilla. The excitement was mostly in their own minds.
> 
> On the other hand, I'm sure there are many affairs where the sex actually IS better - and I would say this has to do with the fact that they're living in a fantasy-land. The cheaters lead two separate lives - their married lives and their cheating lives. It's like they're two different people. The married persona does the same ol' same ol', but the cheating persona becomes this wild, crazy sex partner who wants to impress the hell out of the AP.
> 
> *But many times when the cheaters are caught and a light shines on their dirty little secret, they are snapped back into reality. Deep down they really didn't want to break up their marriages and split up their families. They just wanted to have a little fun on the side*.


This is what my ex told me. Snap back into reality day was the day OW told him she was pregnant and would not terminate it. Fun and games on the side was over for him. Snap back to reality = me filing for divorce, paying 65% of hiis salary to her and me for the next 18 yrs.


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## Caribbean Man

confused4322 said:


> I have a couple of questions about the sex in the affair. I have read so many times that the sex during the affair is the greatest. My first question is, if the WS spouse really does think this then why do they want to stay with the BS? A*lso, as the BS how can you be o.k. with staying with somebody who had the best sex ever with somebody else during your marriage?*


I've always asked myself this question.
Many here, would disagree with me, and I can understand why.
But I cannot stay with someone like that, especially after I gave my everything.
That's why its difficult for me to appreciate the
" hysterical bonding sex " concept.
I'm not saying it does not exist or it does not work for some people, but it won't do for me.

However, I also understand and appreciate that everybody's situation is different.


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## AnnieAsh

The Middleman said:


> There are plenty of waywards posting on this board, it would be great to hear from them on this subject. (but we won't hear from them)


I don't think most WS want to describe affair sex on the open forum because it could be seen as bragging, rubbing it in, or minimizing/lying. Kind of a no win situation.


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## The Middleman

AnnieAsh said:


> I don't think most WS want to describe affair sex on the open forum because it could be seen as bragging, rubbing it in, or minimizing/lying. Kind of a no win situation.


Point taken ... but I'm sure a truthful answer on the subject would help many. The thing is, they most likely have never told the truth when it come to this subject ... especially to their BS's. You're right that if they told the truth, there would be a price to pay, one way or another, so they'll continue to do what they do best ... lie or avoid answering.


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## brokenbythis

LanieB said:


> This is horrible, BBT. I'm soooo sorry for what you're going through. That's the crap-flavored icing on the affair cake right there. *Talk about consequences . . . . Everyone thinks they are invincible - especially people involved in affairs*. Apparently they think they'll never get caught, they can have it all, and *I'm sure it never even crossed your husband's mind to worry about impregnating the skank. They were "living the dream*" . . . . gag.
> 
> Anyway, I am so very sorry. I assume you're divorcing or already divorced?? (I sure hope so!) And if so, I am 100% positive you're gonna be all right. You WILL be happy again one day. Believe that.


His dream sure turned into a nightmare. They are not even still together. He ended it when he realized he wanted to save his marriage, then she dropped the baby bomb. He was so sure and ****y when he was banging her. Acting like a big stud. He even said cruel things to me like "at least I can find someone else". Of course I wasn't even looking, I won't even consider dating until my divorce is final and done and then some. I have morals... 

He was posting love pics of them together all over facebook without a single thought of how it would hurt me. The day I saw those pics.... I can't even tell you how it affected me.

But I'm pretty sure now I've filed he is/will go back to her as his options are limited, and he's dead broke. Have a happy life I say!


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## AnnieAsh

The Middleman said:


> Point taken ... but I'm sure a truthful answer on the subject would help many. The thing is, they most likely have never told the truth when it come to this subject ... especially to their BS's. You're right that if they told the truth, there would be a price to pay, one way or another, so they'll continue to do what they do best ... lie or avoid answering.


Well it would depend on the WS, wouldn't it? If they are remorseful, then they have come clean to their BS. Which is what TRULY matters, not giving out specific details on the forum. I feel uncomfortable giving out specific details about my own affair, not because I am afraid of a price to pay but because I don't want to hurt anyone here needlessly. I had to tell my husband some ugly truths because I owed that to him. 

A WS who is not remorseful and committed to their marriage may lie and avoid answering their BS's questions. Again, I don't think they owe the forum anything, other than not being deliberately hurtful to the people in pain here. 

Besides, if I said I NEVER thought of om when I was with my husband intimately, what good would that do a BH here? His WW might HAVE thought of om or had better sex (in a technical sense) with the om. What is true for me is definitely not true for all.


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## working_together

LanieB said:


> I can't even imagine a WS posting anything like this. I've read threads where the BS wanted every gory detail of the affair and the WS actually gave them . . . . I realize that many BS's want every single detail (every possible way they had sex, how good it was, if they had orgasms, how big the guy's "junk" was), but me?? Nope. No thank you. I already have enough mind movies, I don't need a scripted one. Besides that, I already got a good dose of it listening to the VAR recordings . . . . yeesh . . . . couldn't get through it all.


I don't think women want the details, it's more the men that do, it's a big blow to their ego. However, once they have the details, I don't feel it really makes a difference.


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## The Middleman

AnnieAsh said:


> Well it would depend on the WS, wouldn't it? If they are remorseful, then they have come clean to their BS. Which is what TRULY matters, not giving out specific details on the forum. I feel uncomfortable giving out specific details about my own affair, not because I am afraid of a price to pay but because I don't want to hurt anyone here needlessly. I had to tell my husband some ugly truths because I owed that to him.
> 
> A WS who is not remorseful and committed to their marriage may lie and avoid answering their BS's questions. Again, I don't think they owe the forum anything, other than not being deliberately hurtful to the people in pain here.
> 
> Besides, if I said I NEVER thought of om when I was with my husband intimately, what good would that do a BH here? His WW might HAVE thought of om or had better sex (in a technical sense) with the om. What is true for me is definitely not true for all.


Well, to an extent, you agree with my first point then. No wayward is going to answer the OP (or anyone else) truthfully, no matter how much it may help someone. On this board we are anonymous, so what does it cost to give a truthful answer and help some one out ... unless they are looking to protect an image of themselves that they have built here. In any event, all we can do is speculate. And I wasn't talking about "details" for the board, just an honest answer to the OP's question.


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## thatbpguy

The Middleman said:


> There are plenty of waywards posting on this board, it would be great to hear from them on this subject. (but we won't hear from them)


When I was a mod on a diff betrayal site of the 15-20 betrayers who opened up on the subject, all thought the sex was great at the time and thought it fair to lousy well after the betrayal had ended.


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## brokenbythis

thatbpguy said:


> When I was a mod on a diff betrayal site of the 15-20 betrayers who opened up on the subject, all thought the sex was great at the time and thought it fair to lousy well after the betrayal had ended.


Interesting... NO sexual encounter in my life has compared to the sex I had with the man I loved and committed my life to. NONE. I can't even say whether he was better in bed so to say than my old boyfriends, but the love and committment I felt towards him made it an entirely different experience. It was intense and very satisfying, at least for me


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## The Middleman

thatbpguy said:


> When I was a mod on a diff betrayal site of the 15-20 betrayers who opened up on the subject, all thought the sex was great at the time and thought it fair to lousy well after the betrayal had ended.


Now that's interesting. Clearly they loved it while it was going on, otherwise why would they keep doing it ... over and over. And let's face it, most waywards stop only because they get caught. The interesting thing is, why do they change their mind about the sex when it's over? The world is now in a different perspective? Trying to make themselves look better (saving face)? In general, I don't believe that there is a great realization that the sex is only mediocre when the affair is over, it's all spin, for whatever reason.


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## thatbpguy

The Middleman said:


> Now that's interesting. Clearly they loved it while it was going on, otherwise why would they keep doing it ... over and over. And let's face it, most waywards stop only because they get caught. The interesting thing is, why do they change their mind about the sex when it's over? The world is now in a different perspective? Trying to make themselves look better (saving face)? In general, I don't believe that there is a great realization that the sex mediocre when the affair is over, it's all spin, for whatever reason.


I think it's as you said earlier... the risk, the idea of all of it being forbidden fruit...

One lady who PM'd me for over a year and asked help in reaching her husband after her betrayal (he eventually divorced her and they had two little kids and she was devastated) said it was an addiction to being wooed by another man. To her (and I hear this frequently), the sex was not her main thing- it just came with the territory. Kind of like having to eat the lousy coleslaw with the tasty fish & chips. In fact, she said the sex was plain lousy both times they hooked up. But if she wanted the feeling of being wooed, she had to slip off the panties.


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## The Middleman

thatbpguy said:


> I think it's as you said earlier... the risk, the idea of all of it being forbidden fruit...
> 
> One lady who PM'd me for over a year and asked help in reaching her husband after her betrayal (he eventually divorced her and they had two little kids and she was devastated) said it was an addiction to being wooed by another man. To her (and I hear this frequently), the sex was not her main thing- it just came with the territory. Kind of like having to eat the lousy coleslaw with the tasty fish & chips. In fact, she said the sex was plain lousy both times they hooked up. But if she wanted the feeling of being wooed, she had to slip off the panties.


And look at the price she had to pay for it. I hope she thought all the attention and lousy sex was worth it.


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## thatbpguy

The Middleman said:


> And look at the price she had to pay for it. I hope she thought it was worth it.


She was very open about it all. married about 8 years with 2 little kids, husband was the consummate nice guy bit she felt the spark was gone. Some handsome guy at work was wooing her and she just followed along into his bed. Ended up telling her husband and he was devastated. He tried to deal with it for a year or so but the betrayal was just too much and he filed and divorced her. She was maybe the only betrayer I felt never intended to do what she did and was trying to really make amends.


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## AnnieAsh

The Middleman said:


> Well, to an extent, you agree with my first point then. No wayward is going to answer the OP (or anyone else) truthfully, no matter how much it may help someone. On this board we are anonymous, so what does it cost to give a truthful answer and help some one out ... unless they are looking to protect an image of themselves that they have built here. In any event, all we can do is speculate. And I wasn't talking about "details" for the board, just an honest answer to the OP's question.


Sometimes I think questions are posted JUST so people can jump all over a WS. And if they don't bite, well they are cowards. This is a hard board to post on sometimes! 

I don't worry about protecting my image here, though I haven't told EVERYTHING on the forum. Mainly out of respect to my husband because he hates hates hates giving out information online. The man doesn't even have a Facebook account.

I could explain how what felt like heaven during the heat of the moment, feels filthy and wrong and dirty when you go home. Then you make promises never ever to see the other person again and you are resolved. Until you're not anymore.

What I have with my husband is a family and a life together. It goes beyond sex or even romantic love. But I don't think that helps the OP, you know? It feels very pat.


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## The Middleman

thatbpguy said:


> She was very open about it all. married about 8 years with 2 little kids, husband was the consummate nice guy bit she felt the spark was gone. Some handsome guy at work was wooing her and she just followed along into his bed. Ended up telling her husband and he was devastated. He tried to deal with it for a year or so but the betrayal was just too much and he filed and divorced her. She was maybe the only betrayer I felt never intended to do what she did and was trying to really make amends.


Now her participation in that board hopefully helped others, particularly anyone planing on being unfaithful. She paid a price for her crime.


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## thatbpguy

The Middleman said:


> Now her participation in that board hopefully helped others, particularly anyone planing on being unfaithful. She paid a price for her crime.


True. And for her it was a heavy one. She was from a traditional asian family and she lost her family, her husband and most of her friends. 

But one gets what one bargains for.


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## MattMatt

confused4322 said:


> I have a couple of questions about the sex in the affair. I have read so many times that the sex during the affair is the greatest. My first question is, if the WS spouse really does think this then why do they want to stay with the BS? Also, as the BS how can you be o.k. with staying with somebody who had the best sex ever with somebody else during your marriage?


I did not want to know. I blocked thoughts of them having sex out of my mind.


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## thatbpguy

AnnieAsh said:


> Sometimes I think questions are posted JUST so people can jump all over a WS. And if they don't bite, well they are cowards. _This is a hard board to post on sometimes!_


For betrayers, it should be. 

I mean, the vast majority of us here have been thru, or are going thru, something so painful and damaging that betrayer will never (and I mean _never_) comprehend 25% of what damage they do. For them it was a wild time and for the betrayed it's a literal living hell. 

So there is always some angst saved up for betrayers. With all respect, take it as it comes with the territory.

Now that said, if you can be a positive influence, I try to just ignore betrayers and let them have their say.


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## thatbpguy

MattMatt said:


> I did not want to know. I blocked thoughts of them having sex out of my mind.


That's interesting. I wanted to know but the answers killed me.


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## AnnieAsh

thatbpguy said:


> For betrayers, it should be.
> 
> I mean, the vast majority of us here have been thru, or are going thru, something so painful and damaging that betrayer will never (and I mean _never_) comprehend 25% of what damage they do. For them it was a wild time and for the betrayed it's a literal living hell.
> 
> So there is always some angst saved up for betrayers. With all respect, take it as it comes with the territory.
> 
> Now that said, if you can be a positive influence, I try to just ignore betrayers and let them have their say.


Wait...why should it be a hard place to post? I thought we were all anonymous? All the WS here didn't cheat on YOU.


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## thatbpguy

AnnieAsh said:


> Wait...why should it be a hard place to post? I thought we were all anonymous? All the WS here didn't cheat on YOU.


True. 

But all it takes is one...


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## MattMatt

thatbpguy said:


> That's interesting. I wanted to know but the answers killed me.


Even though I never asked for any details and blocked it out, after the affair ended I still had problems getting and maintaining a full erection for a while.


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## thatbpguy

MattMatt said:


> Even though I never asked for any details and blocked it out, after the affair ended I still had problems getting and maintaining a full erection for a while.


Ouch.


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## Shaggy

thatbpguy said:


> She was very open about it all. married about 8 years with 2 little kids, husband was the consummate nice guy bit she felt the spark was gone. Some handsome guy at work was wooing her and she just followed along into his bed. Ended up telling her husband and he was devastated. He tried to deal with it for a year or so but the betrayal was just too much and he filed and divorced her. She was maybe the only betrayer I felt never intended to do what she did and was trying to really make amends.


I call bull on her never intending.

She willingly chose to cheat, and she did it more than once.

Her husband was smart when he realized he could do much better than the likes of her. No one should ever settle for being second choice to their spouse. You choose to cheat, you are gone unless your spouse is foolish enough to give you another chance.


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## thatbpguy

Shaggy said:


> I call bull on her never intending.
> 
> She willingly chose to cheat, and she did it more than once.
> 
> Her husband was smart when he realized he could do much better than the likes of her. No one should ever settle for being second choice to their spouse. You choose to cheat, you are gone unless your spouse is foolish enough to give you another chance.


Probably true. I got the sense she wanted to play with fire and got burnt.


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## Shaggy

AnnieAsh said:


> Wait...why should it be a hard place to post? I thought we were all anonymous? All the WS here didn't cheat on YOU.


True they didn't cheat on any of us, BUT since they are a cheater you have to take that into consideration with every thing the say and post.

If they can't be honest and faithful to the person they've given their vow to, we would be foolish to simply think anything they say even anonymously is actually 100% true.

Because TAMs culture and rules prohibit going off on the WS, I never say what I would if such civilities weren't enforced here. So the rules work well to keep it civil.

But I can understand it being a hard place for cheaters to post to, since they don't automatically get the pats on the back they get from other sites,or advice on how to better hide their affair from their spouse.

Tam is not a good place for cheaters to come and brag to each other about how they are deceiving their spouse, since we actually would suggest they stop cheating, which ill point out will actually get you banned on other forums.


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## AnnieAsh

Shaggy said:


> True they didn't cheat on any of us, BUT since they are a cheater you have to take that into consideration with every thing the say and post.
> 
> If they can't be honest and faithful to the person they've given their vow to, we would be foolish to simply think anything they say even anonymously is actually 100% true.
> 
> Because TAMs culture and rules prohibit going off on the WS, I never say what I would if such civilities weren't enforced here. So the rules work well to keep it civil.
> 
> But I can understand it being a hard place for cheaters to post to, since they don't automatically get the pats on the back they get from other sites,or advice on how to better hide their affair from their spouse.
> 
> Tam is not a good place for cheaters to come and brag to each other about how they are deceiving their spouse, since we actually would suggest they stop cheating, which ill point out will actually get you banned on other forums.


I don't think many of the WS who continue to post here want pats on the back. I stay for a sounding board and because I have found many posters to be pretty cool. I just understand why WS choose not to answer loaded questions here. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. 

I think with ANY poster you have to take what they say with a grain of salt. There is ALWAYS a bias or a spin to the way they are telling the story, whether from BS or WS. That isn't exclusive to WS.

And if it makes a person feel better to go off on random interwebz people they don't know...well I dunno. It just seems kinda pointless.


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## LongWalk

Very provocative question. My first thought was that I had nothing to contribute from personal experience because I never cheated while married to my ex-wife. However, in post D bitterness I looked back and thought about the 5 or 6 women who had come on to me when I was with her. (Two were her classmates. One of those women was a slüt. The other was very conservative. Women go after their friend’s men because a man in a relationship is more attractive by virtue of the stamp of approval one woman has put on him.) If only I had cheated and slept with them all of them.

I regretted my fidelity. Only now reading TAM do I realize how stupid that was. To look back at the honesty and integrity of the old me and wish that I had been an adulterer for the sex is moral failure even if it never happened. It says a lot about lost values.

Ransacking the past even further, I found that I did have an experience that is relevant. I had a girlfriend in college with whom I had great sex. I never really thought about love. I never told her I loved her because I didn’t understand how deeply involved we were emotionally.

Into the picture came OW, she chased me and made it clear that sex was on offer. I didn’t act because I wanted to be faithful to my girlfriend. However, after a class trip that included OW but not GF, GF quarreled with me over nothing. In retrospect, she must have known the OW was putting a move on me but she chose to argue about something else to express her anxiety. In a flash, I told her we done and looked forward to having guilt free sex with the OW.

The OW was better looking than GF, but they were both fine in their own way. The sex with OW was not as good as with now xGF. We didn’t quite understand each other sexually. Her body, her smell, her talk, etc were all fascinating. She talked about love but everything about seemed to be about fvcking. I was being absorbed by her. 

I went back to my xGF’s room one day and she understandably was very emotional about my betrayal. Suddenly without plan, I told her we could try again. We made love immediately the OW was completely removed from the picture. I don’t think exEGF ever asked a single question about how it had been with OW. How could it have been better she must have known she blew OW out of the water.

Sometime later we had to part because she had to move when her studies finished. OW wanted to start up again. One night I stood in her room and she lay in bed expecting to come over and initiate our sexual relationship again. I couldn’t do it. I was sad because the woman I loved was gone. I didn’t appreciate OW’s seduction; I was angry at her at some level but we never discussed it.

Years later I thought damn, should have scored there again, too. But again this was failed moral reasoning that I did not understand until joining this thread.

As to what sex is good or bad and how does it compare, the question is perplexing and unanswerable. I had sex with women whose last names I cannot remember. But I remember playing footsy with Gretchen F***** in French class my freshman year in high school. I can almost see her face and the way she wore her hair long to cover up a malformed ear; she was very pretty anyway. We never even kissed but we shared painful awkwardness and electricity that blocked out the old bı†ch French teacher.

Some posters on TAM CWI believe that sex is just sex. I don’t see it that way at all. All of was unique and beautiful even the bungled hookups had some meaning.

At the very least reading and contributing to threads will make me a better parent. I hope I will be able to explain how strange love and sex can be so that my children will be able to better handle their relationships.


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## Caribbean Man

Shaggy said:


> I call bull on her never intending.
> 
> She willingly chose to cheat, and she did it more than once.
> 
> Her husband was smart when he realized he could do much better than the likes of her. * No one should ever settle for being second choice to their spouse. * You choose to cheat, you are gone unless your spouse is foolish enough to give you another chance.


This^^^is the basis for my reasoning in my first post on this thread.
Why should a man have to go through all that torment because of her indiscriminate actions?
Love?
And , sometimes leading up to the cheating , the relationship also takes a beating.
So the husband has to first put up with her bad treatment in the relationship at home, and then her having sex with another man.


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## Caribbean Man

LongWalk said:


> Very provocative question. My first thought was that I had nothing to contribute from personal experience because I never cheated while married to my ex-wife. However, in post D bitterness I looked back and thought about the 5 or 6 women who had come on to me when I was with her. (Two were her classmates. One of those women was a slüt. The other was very conservative. Women go after their friend’s men because a man in a relationship is more attractive by virtue of the stamp of approval one woman has put on him.) If only I had cheated and slept with them all of them.
> 
> I regretted my fidelity. Only now reading TAM do I realize how stupid that was. To look back at the honesty and integrity of the old me and wish that I had been an adulterer for the sex is moral failure even if it never happened. It says a lot about lost values.
> 
> Ransacking the past even further, I found that I did have an experience that is relevant. I had a girlfriend in college with whom I had great sex. I never really thought about love. I never told her I loved her because I didn’t understand how deeply involved we were emotionally.
> 
> Into the picture came OW, she chased me and made it clear that sex was on offer. I didn’t act because I wanted to be faithful to my girlfriend. However, after a class trip that included OW but not GF, GF quarreled with me over nothing. In retrospect, she must have known the OW was putting a move on me but she chose to argue about something else to express her anxiety. In a flash, I told her we done and looked forward to having guilt free sex with the OW.
> 
> The OW was better looking than GF, but they were both fine in their own way. The sex with OW was not as good as with now xGF. We didn’t quite understand each other sexually. Her body, her smell, her talk, etc were all fascinating. She talked about love but everything about seemed to be about fvcking. I was being absorbed by her.
> 
> I went back to my xGF’s room one day and she understandably was very emotional about my betrayal. Suddenly without plan, I told her we could try again. We made love immediately the OW was completely removed from the picture. I don’t think exEGF ever asked a single question about how it had been with OW. How could it have been better she must have known she blew OW out of the water.
> 
> Sometime later we had to part because she had to move when her studies finished. OW wanted to start up again. One night I stood in her room and she lay in bed expecting to come over and initiate our sexual relationship again. I couldn’t do it. I was sad because the woman I loved was gone. I didn’t appreciate OW’s seduction; I was angry at her at some level but we never discussed it.
> 
> Years later I thought damn, should have scored there again, too. But again this was failed moral reasoning that I did not understand until joining this thread.
> 
> As to what sex is good or bad and how does it compare, the question is perplexing and unanswerable. I had sex with women whose last names I cannot remember. But I remember playing footsy with Gretchen F***** in French class my freshman year in high school. I can almost see her face and the way she wore her hair long to cover up a malformed ear; she was very pretty anyway. We never even kissed but we shared painful awkwardness and electricity that blocked out the old bı†ch French teacher.
> 
> *Some posters on TAM CWI believe that sex is just sex. I don’t see it that way at all. All of was unique and beautiful even the bungled hookups had some meaning.
> *
> At the very least reading and contributing to threads will make me a better parent. I hope I will be able to explain how strange love and sex can be so that my children will be able to better handle their relationships.


:iagree:


----------



## The Middleman

LongWalk said:


> Some posters on TAM CWI believe that sex is just sex. I don’t see it that way at all. All of was unique and beautiful even the bungled hookups had some meaning.


I think this sums it up nicely, this is how it goes down. I would really like to know if any wayward explains it this way to their betrayed.


----------



## LongWalk

Footnote: The girl who wanted me to cuckold her newly wed husband

A girlfriend of with who I had a relationship for few months time was sexually different than any other woman I’d been with. She was a former gymnast and had small breasts, narrow hips and a pert rear end. She wasn’t Greek but her face had classic beauty. When orgasm took her she sometimes went into a trance and shook. I think it was some sort of epilepsy. It was intense and scary. We really had little in common besides sex.

She is the only woman I ever had anal sex with. She suggested it because of her period. I didn’t see any blood. An former Italian boyfriend had gotten her into it. Okay, I said.

It was as VS Naipaul describes it in Guerrillas. I will not spoil the novel for you, but it touches upon cheating and the tragic consequences.

After I ended the relationship, she came back and claimed to be pregnant. I simply gave her more than enough money for an abortion and heard no more from her. Later a colleague was invited to her wedding to a French chef. And few months later she contacted me and wanted to give the abortion money back admitting it was all a lie. She wanted me to have sex. I wasn’t nice to her. We did not have sex. She curled up on the bed and sobbed inconsolably until she fell asleep. She left in the morning. I tried to say sorry for being mean. I wished I had made love to her instead being cruel.

A four or five years, later I got a postcard from Paris in which she said her husband was leaving her. She had a baby. I wouldn’t be the least surprised if she had been caught cheating. I never answered it. She was not evil. She had a good heart, but was weak, needy and mixed up. The right man could fix her, but who would want to invest what it would take to succeed in such a psychotherapeutic adventure. Of course the epileptic orgasms might have made some guys feel as if they were among greatest lovers in the history of the world. That would have been cheating sex beyond the wildest dreams of some.


----------



## Voltaire

LongWalk said:


> Some posters on TAM CWI believe that sex is just sex. I don’t see it that way at all. All of was unique and beautiful even the bungled hookups had some meaning


The thing that always gets me with a certain irony is that my wayward WAW always said that if I ever cheated that would be it - she would never take me back. Well, I didn't cheat, but she did.


----------



## lovemylife26

MattMatt said:


> Even though I never asked for any details and blocked it out, after the affair ended I still had problems getting and maintaining a full erection for a while.


glad MH hasn't asked any questions about the sex.
Is it bad that I don't and haven't for a few years have had a O with MH. But with the OM had 6 in one night.


----------



## russell28

confused4322 said:


> I have a couple of questions about the sex in the affair. I have read so many times that the sex during the affair is the greatest. My first question is, if the WS spouse really does think this then why do they want to stay with the BS? Also, as the BS how can you be o.k. with staying with somebody who had the best sex ever with somebody else during your marriage?


After I'm done with sex... I know that nobody could ever do it better than what just was done. You should always feel like that, or you're doing it wrong.


----------



## Caribbean Man

LongWalk said:


> It was as VS Naipaul describes it in Guerrillas. I will not spoil the novel for you, but it touches upon cheating and the tragic consequences.


You have actually studied V.S.Niapaul?
I love his work , 
I was fortunate to have met him once.


----------



## LongWalk

Lucky you. Naipaul is giant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

Russell28. Too true when everything is right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FourtyPlus

The Middleman said:


> There are plenty of waywards posting on this board, it would be great to hear from them on this subject. (but we won't hear from them)


Don't assume everything. I didn't have sex with the OM. I never met the guy.
I didn't want to have sex with him either, I wanted the attention. Like someone else posted earlier, I went along with the sex talk to keep him interested so I could keep getting the attention. I don't know what would have been if it had been a PA instead of EA. I'm scared of disease and I'm a bit iffy when it comes to bodily things. I don't like sitting on other people's seats (what if they sat on their naked?), I don't like eating what others bring to potlucks (what if they washed their hands in the potato salad?), I hate hotel beds (are the sheets really clean?).


----------



## FourtyPlus

AnnieAsh said:


> Sometimes I think questions are posted JUST so people can jump all over a WS. And if they don't bite, well they are cowards. This is a hard board to post on sometimes!
> 
> I don't worry about protecting my image here, though I haven't told EVERYTHING on the forum. Mainly out of respect to my husband because he hates hates hates giving out information online. The man doesn't even have a Facebook account.
> 
> I could explain how what felt like heaven during the heat of the moment, feels filthy and wrong and dirty when you go home. Then you make promises never ever to see the other person again and you are resolved. Until you're not anymore.
> 
> What I have with my husband is a family and a life together. It goes beyond sex or even romantic love. But I don't think that helps the OP, you know? It feels very pat.


Every cheater on here is subject to being a placeholder for every BS's spouse. Their own experiences, their feelings and their hurt are being projected onto you. You have to learn to ignore it and recognize the tidbits that are actually helpful. You have to search for them but you'll find them. I believe there are plenty of former cheaters that could help other cheaters get out of their fog, spill their beans and turn their lives around etc. but I would be impossible to have such a discussion in the open without almost everyone and their brother chiming in. So you gotta take the good with the bad.


----------



## doubletrouble

MattMatt said:


> I did not want to know. I blocked thoughts of them having sex out of my mind.


I wish I could do that.


----------



## AnnieAsh

FourtyPlus said:


> Every cheater on here is subject to being a placeholder for every BS's spouse. Their own experiences, their feelings and their hurt are being projected onto you. You have to learn to ignore it and recognize the tidbits that are actually helpful. You have to search for them but you'll find them. I believe there are plenty of former cheaters that could help other cheaters get out of their fog, spill their beans and turn their lives around etc. but I would be impossible to have such a discussion in the open without almost everyone and their brother chiming in. So you gotta take the good with the bad.


Yeah...I am quite adept at taking the good with the bad. My original thread was enormous and peppered with some ridiculous misogynistic nonsense that I had to ignore.


----------



## doubletrouble

In my wayward past (completely reformed, this I know), the quality of sex with the OW was relative to my internal investment. One woman I had no respect for got some pretty good fvcking, but I couldn't care less about her. I just wanted to get off. One I thought I loved was good, but in retrospect, not above average (although she introduced me to anal sex which was... different, and she liked it outdoors, where we might maybe be seen). I have only one memory of good sex with my ex-wife, over a 20 year time span. 

The mind movies of my WW with her OM are fantastic, mind-bending sex in all sorts of positions that she still to this day misses, reminisces about in her mind, wishes we could achieve. But then again, I read at least one fantasy she wrote to him so I know what she was thinking about. 

On the other hand, I've been able to give her sore muscles (etc) and mind-blowing sex (not faked, I know the diff) to the point where we simply had to stop because her O muscles were sore. Ugh, then I wonder if she ever had THAT with him. A mind fvck for sure.

Sex is mostly in the mind, when it comes down to anything meaningful. 

Whether an affair includes meaningful sex or not is so relative to the people involved, I don't think we can describe one situation or another that will answer your question. Over a period of time, you can bet it's not much better or worse than whatever your spouse is sharing with you. In my life I've had just over two dozen lovers; I don't think any of them were better or worse to any great degree. We all have the same equipment. They look, smell, feel different, that's it.

I would think a short term affair might have heightened sex stimulus because of the "strange" effect. But in my life that hasn't been the case. It's whatever is in your mind. The body follows along.

Sex with my wife today is the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful I've ever had. She's sensitive, skilled, and we're deeply in love.


----------



## Shaggy

lovemylife26 said:


> glad MH hasn't asked any questions about the sex.
> Is it bad that I don't and haven't for a few years have had a O with MH. But with the OM had 6 in one night.


Married sex can never compete with affair sex, if it was your husband you cheated with you'd have gotten off by him too.

6 in the night 2 weeks ago huh? Was that the same night you came here saying how bad you felt afterward? I gotta say you sound less and less sincere about having any guilt or remorse for cheating.


----------



## Paladin's Pride

This is my very first post, so please bear with me as I learn to navigate the forum.

Several people have mentioned that for the most part, WS would be uncomfortable posting about the details relating to the sex that they had with their AP. Some mentioned that it might be due to trying to avoid hurting their spouses further, while others pointed out that they might be wary of the kind of response that they might receive in a forum such as this. To those FWS that have replied, thank you. I myself am a FWS and have finally come to the point where I feel that I should be participating in a forum that my husband frequents. Before now my husband has been kind enough to somewhat "filter" some of the responses in CWI so as to avoid triggering any type of mental episode I am prone to experiencing. I'm at a point now that I feel comfortable participating, though my husband does make sure to remind me not to take things too personal. So here goes my experience:

I know our situation may not be the norm. I was not discovered; in fact, my husband knew for the most part that I was having an EA which later evolved into a PA. I admitted to him that I had chosen to engage in a PS a few days after it happened. He forgave me right then and there, for which I will always be grateful. I can truly say that it is his grace and forgiveness that has allowed me to be able to turn back from the abyss I was facing and choose life and marriage to an amazingly charitable and caring man. For those of you who might know my husband, and what he had to contend with while I was going through a major case of depression, delusions, and ultimately a suicide attempt--yes, I am that woman.

As to the OP's original question, I can honestly say that the sex with my AP was not good. It wasn't exciting, nor was it satisfying. It was degrading, demeaning, and something that I will regret for the rest of my life as I know that despite my mental illness, I CHOSE to have an affair that threatened the sanctity of my marriage to my husband. In fact, the time leading up to our first major sexual encounter was actually more thrilling. The texting, the interaction at work (he was a coworker), the kissing; all of those things were exciting, new, and a boost to my much-battered ego, which was suffering at the time from a mistaken belief (among many other delusions) that my husband did not care for me, that I was a failure in life and at work, and that I was not living up to my potential by not continuing my work toward a PhD.

To backtrack, I was involved with this person for exactly five months. I had an EA with him for two, and then it was a PA for three. We had sex exactly three times. The first 45 minutes of our first encounter was unprotected. By the grace of some higher power, I realized how unbelievably idiotic and selfish having sex with an OM while unprotected was (I wish that same higher power had intervened earlier, thus avoiding the excruciating pain and suffering that becoming involved with an OM would have on my husband), and made the AP purchase protection. I made sure to be safe that night and the following two encounters. BTW, my husband is completely aware of all that I am saying here and then some. Full transparency was a requirement of our R, and I have done my best to not only comply, but go above and beyond in an attempt to be worthy of his forgiveness. Though I am not sure that I will ever be worthy, I will always try.

To be completely honest, sex with my husband is far superior to the sex I had with the OM. For starters, the OM was a manipulative and conniving bas**** who was completely comfortable engaging in an affair with someone who was open about their mental illness from the get go. Looking back, I can say that I was searching for someone who would help me, or at least be supportive of, my then desire to end my life. As my husband was unwilling to watch me throw my life away, I chose to pursue a relationship with this low-life. Some part of me knew that he was a liar from the beginning. Thus, the element that is necessary--at least for me--to have meaningful and satisfying sex, TRUST, was not there. He was (I thought then) attractive, single, and several years younger than I was. I was (stupidly) flattered to garner his attention. But that did not equate to any kind of superiority in the bedroom. For those here that might claim that FWS complain of the sex they had during an affair in an attempt to make themselves look better after the fact--that was not the situation in my case. I have always stated that the sex was mediocre at best. My husband knows this, as do the people in whom I confided during the time of my affair.

I've probably gone on for far far too long, but I look forward to speaking with you all in this forum and will soon be starting a thread introducing myself to the community here on CWI.


----------



## Paladin

confused4322 said:


> I have a couple of questions about the sex in the affair. I have read so many times that the sex during the affair is the greatest. My first question is, if the WS spouse really does think this then why do they want to stay with the BS? Also, as the BS how can you be o.k. with staying with somebody who had the best sex ever with somebody else during your marriage?


My partner has always talked about how crappy the sex was between her and the POSOM. While I questioned her honesty on the subject at the beginning, as we progressed through R it became clear that she in fact was telling the truth and the sex was simply not that great. In some ways I felt bad for her, she put our marriage on the line, and didnt even get a good lay in the process. (sounds messed up, but thats how i feel)

This could be the reason I had no problems reconnecting with her on a physical level. I never had mind movies or any of that stuff to deal with. 

Even if she came back and told me it was the best lay of her life and the POSOM had some kind of magical member, I would still know in my heart of hearts that sex between people who have known each other for the majority of their lives, and have a deep spiritual connection, will trump any dopamine fueled tryst with an AP.


----------



## SomedayDig

Shaggy said:


> Married sex can never compete with affair sex, if it was your husband you cheated with you'd have gotten off by him too.
> 
> 6 in the night 2 weeks ago huh? Was that the same night you came here saying how bad you felt afterward? I gotta say you sound less and less sincere about having any guilt or remorse for cheating.


Agree 1000000%. She hates her husband, that's why she doesn't orgasm with him and can with her OM 6x.


----------



## SomedayDig

Paladin's Pride said:


> This is my very first post, so please bear with me as I learn to navigate the forum.
> 
> Several people have mentioned that for the most part, WS would be uncomfortable posting about the details relating to the sex that they had with their AP. Some mentioned that it might be due to trying to avoid hurting their spouses further, while others pointed out that they might be wary of the kind of response that they might receive in a forum such as this. To those FWS that have replied, thank you. I myself am a FWS and have finally come to the point where I feel that I should be participating in a forum that my husband frequents. Before now my husband has been kind enough to somewhat "filter" some of the responses in CWI so as to avoid triggering any type of mental episode I am prone to experiencing. I'm at a point now that I feel comfortable participating, though my husband does make sure to remind me not to take things too personal. So here goes my experience:
> 
> I know our situation may not be the norm. I was not discovered; in fact, my husband knew for the most part that I was having an EA which later evolved into a PA. I admitted to him that I had chosen to engage in a PS a few days after it happened. He forgave me right then and there, for which I will always be grateful. I can truly say that it is his grace and forgiveness that has allowed me to be able to turn back from the abyss I was facing and choose life and marriage to an amazingly charitable and caring man. For those of you who might know my husband, and what he had to contend with while I was going through a major case of depression, delusions, and ultimately a suicide attempt--yes, I am that woman.
> 
> As to the OP's original question, I can honestly say that the sex with my AP was not good. It wasn't exciting, nor was it satisfying. It was degrading, demeaning, and something that I will regret for the rest of my life as I know that despite my mental illness, I CHOSE to have an affair that threatened the sanctity of my marriage to my husband. In fact, the time leading up to our first major sexual encounter was actually more thrilling. The texting, the interaction at work (he was a coworker), the kissing; all of those things were exciting, new, and a boost to my much-battered ego, which was suffering at the time from a mistaken belief (among many other delusions) that my husband did not care for me, that I was a failure in life and at work, and that I was not living up to my potential by not continuing my work toward a PhD.
> 
> To backtrack, I was involved with this person for exactly five months. I had an EA with him for two, and then it was a PA for three. We had sex exactly three times. The first 45 minutes of our first encounter was unprotected. By the grace of some higher power, I realized how unbelievably idiotic and selfish having sex with an OM while unprotected was (I wish that same higher power had intervened earlier, thus avoiding the excruciating pain and suffering that becoming involved with an OM would have on my husband), and made the AP purchase protection. I made sure to be safe that night and the following two encounters. BTW, my husband is completely aware of all that I am saying here and then some. Full transparency was a requirement of our R, and I have done my best to not only comply, but go above and beyond in an attempt to be worthy of his forgiveness. Though I am not sure that I will ever be worthy, I will always try.
> 
> To be completely honest, sex with my husband is far superior to the sex I had with the OM. For starters, the OM was a manipulative and conniving bas**** who was completely comfortable engaging in an affair with someone who was open about their mental illness from the get go. Looking back, I can say that I was searching for someone who would help me, or at least be supportive of, my then desire to end my life. As my husband was unwilling to watch me throw my life away, I chose to pursue a relationship with this low-life. Some part of me knew that he was a liar from the beginning. Thus, the element that is necessary--at least for me--to have meaningful and satisfying sex, TRUST, was not there. He was (I thought then) attractive, single, and several years younger than I was. I was (stupidly) flattered to garner his attention. But that did not equate to any kind of superiority in the bedroom. For those here that might claim that FWS complain of the sex they had during an affair in an attempt to make themselves look better after the fact--that was not the situation in my case. I have always stated that the sex was mediocre at best. My husband knows this, as do the people in whom I confided during the time of my affair.
> 
> I've probably gone on for far far too long, but I look forward to speaking with you all in this forum and will soon be starting a thread introducing myself to the community here on CWI.



It's good to read this as my wife, Regret, has said much of the same thing. It wasn't the sex that was great...it was the idea, the taboo nature and sheer illicitness of the affair that was the draw.

OP...I think that might be where some things get convoluted with this sh-t. So much of it, as evidenced by lovemylife is that they are in such a fog they believe the hype of the affair. Then, when remorse sets in, we see a wayward like Paladin's Pride who posts the true reasons that affair sex is "so good". Shaggy said it best up there "You can't compete with affair sex". Even if it sucks!


----------



## LongWalk

PP, sounds like the PhD abortion caused self esteem problems that you felt EA and later PA could redress. How did your husband find out about A?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Voltaire

My STBXW's OM thinks he has the best body in the world (and presumably my STBXW agrees). He plasters semi-naked and naked pictures on the internet -including some that were almost certainly taken by my STBXW. It's not what you need to see when you are trying to put these things out of your mind.


----------



## LongWalk

Naked pictures by your wife, what for? To get a threesome? Does she know you have these pics? Do not tell her until the right time, eg custody hearing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

Voltaire said:


> My STBXW's OM thinks he has the best body in the world (and presumably my STBXW agrees). He plasters semi-naked and naked pictures on the internet -including some that were almost certainly taken by my STBXW. It's not what you need to see when you are trying to put these things out of your mind.


No, man...definitely NOT what you need to see. If you can see them through facebook or whatever, you need to get BOTH of them off your "friends" list like pronto!


----------



## Voltaire

LongWalk said:


> Naked pictures by your wife, what for?


Only to fuel his narcissism - and I think to rub my nose in it. 

The guy is incredibly vain - and I would say quite possibly a full-blown narcissist (in the full formal psychological sense of the term). For now it seems that my STBXW is in his thrall and delighted to be his adoring little photographer.


----------



## Dday

SomedayDig said:


> It's good to read this as my wife, Regret, has said much of the same thing. It wasn't the sex that was great...it was the idea, the taboo nature and sheer illicitness of the affair that was the draw.
> 
> OP...I think that might be where some things get convoluted with this sh-t. So much of it, as evidenced by lovemylife is that they are in such a fog they believe the hype of the affair. Then, when remorse sets in, we see a wayward like Paladin's Pride who posts the true reasons that affair sex is "so good". Shaggy said it best up there "You can't compete with affair sex". Even if it sucks!


I'm am confused about the sex within the affair. My wife also had a deep EA with the OM and she said she enjoyed the sex. Had orgasms during sex, sometimes 2 which is fairly difficult for her. She doesn't say it was better than with us, just that it was different. I think she is trying to downplay how good it was because one minute she would say he was really fast and then she would tell me he would go so long he would stop without finishing and she would have to blow him to completion. Yea, she was very honest with every detail. She says it wasn't about the sex but more of the emotional connection but after over a month of not seeing him she doesn't miss him or have any desire to go back to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Voltaire

SomedayDig said:


> No, man...definitely NOT what you need to see. If you can see them through facebook or whatever, you need to get BOTH of them off your "friends" list like pronto!


Oh, she quietly unfriended me on FB long before she dropped the D-bomb. I have no idea what they post there, thank god.

Interesting thing about his FB profile, though. He is a complete show-off, a huge attention seeker who loves posting pictures of himself. But, his FB profile (and his photos) are private and his profile does not show up when you do a cold search for it - its hidden within the directory. The guy has probably had some trouble before, possibly from a BS. I just wonder whether married/divorcing women are his specialty.


----------



## Paladin's Pride

Dday said:


> I'm am confused about the sex within the affair. My wife also had a deep EA with the OM and she said she enjoyed the sex. Had orgasms during sex, sometimes 2 which is fairly difficult for her. She doesn't say it was better than with us, just that it was different. I think she is trying to downplay how good it was because one minute she would say he was really fast and then she would tell me he would go so long he would stop without finishing and she would have to blow him to completion. Yea, she was very honest with every detail. She says it wasn't about the sex but more of the emotional connection but after over a month of not seeing him she doesn't miss him or have any desire to go back to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dday, I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now. As a FWS, all I can say is that while the affair is going on, the person _perceives _the interaction with the AP to be significant. As others have stated, it has a lot to do with being in the "fog." I can honestly say that at the time, I was completely unable to face reality. In fact, our MC would talk to me about how my relationship with the OM was completely based in fantasy, a way for me to escape the stress from work and other things I was going through. The pressures that I was experiencing at the time made it easy for me to compartmentalize what I was doing. Even during the early days of R with my husband, it was sometimes difficult for me to separate reality (my husband) from fantasy (POSOM). There were times where I would reflect on my time with the OM as being positive and satisfying (never the sex, but the supposed emotional connection that I felt with that person, which turned out to be a complete fabrication, a result of my suicidal ideation). However, with a NC policy in place, as well as the right medication and counseling, both IC and MC, I was able to finally come to terms with what I had done and see the truth for what it was: I had chosen to stray from my marriage. No experience, however "exciting" (read: _self-destructive_), that I had had with the OM could compare to what I had, and thankfully still have, with my husband.

If I could offer some advice, I would suggest that you question your wife often in regard to her feelings toward her former AP. An EA + PA can sometimes be much more difficult to let go of than just a PA, especially for women (at least in my experience). The fact that she hasn't seen him for a month is great news. However, when I was engaging in the affair, I would often say certain things and then act in a completely different way. In other words, I lied so that I could continue the affair. I'm not saying that she is doing that, I'm just counseling caution given how recently the affair occurred. Actions speak louder than words.

To answer LongWalk's question, Paladin was aware of the EA from the beginning, and approximately three days after it evolved into a PA, I confessed to him what I had done. Unfortunately, my affair did not end there. It continued for several months, and then I called the OM and cut off all contact with him. Yes, you are absolutely correct. My low self esteem absolutely played a part in me seeking out something to make me feel better about myself. I only wish that I had had the knowledge that I do now, and had turned to my husband for that support.


----------



## russell28

Paladin's Pride said:


> This is my very first post, so please bear with me as I learn to navigate the forum.
> 
> Several people have mentioned that for the most part, WS would be uncomfortable posting about the details relating to the sex that they had with their AP. Some mentioned that it might be due to trying to avoid hurting their spouses further, while others pointed out that they might be wary of the kind of response that they might receive in a forum such as this. To those FWS that have replied, thank you. I myself am a FWS and have finally come to the point where I feel that I should be participating in a forum that my husband frequents. Before now my husband has been kind enough to somewhat "filter" some of the responses in CWI so as to avoid triggering any type of mental episode I am prone to experiencing. I'm at a point now that I feel comfortable participating, though my husband does make sure to remind me not to take things too personal. So here goes my experience:
> 
> I know our situation may not be the norm. I was not discovered; in fact, my husband knew for the most part that I was having an EA which later evolved into a PA. I admitted to him that I had chosen to engage in a PS a few days after it happened. He forgave me right then and there, for which I will always be grateful. I can truly say that it is his grace and forgiveness that has allowed me to be able to turn back from the abyss I was facing and choose life and marriage to an amazingly charitable and caring man. For those of you who might know my husband, and what he had to contend with while I was going through a major case of depression, delusions, and ultimately a suicide attempt--yes, I am that woman.
> 
> As to the OP's original question, I can honestly say that the sex with my AP was not good. It wasn't exciting, nor was it satisfying. It was degrading, demeaning, and something that I will regret for the rest of my life as I know that despite my mental illness, I CHOSE to have an affair that threatened the sanctity of my marriage to my husband. In fact, the time leading up to our first major sexual encounter was actually more thrilling. The texting, the interaction at work (he was a coworker), the kissing; all of those things were exciting, new, and a boost to my much-battered ego, which was suffering at the time from a mistaken belief (among many other delusions) that my husband did not care for me, that I was a failure in life and at work, and that I was not living up to my potential by not continuing my work toward a PhD.
> 
> To backtrack, I was involved with this person for exactly five months. I had an EA with him for two, and then it was a PA for three. We had sex exactly three times. The first 45 minutes of our first encounter was unprotected. By the grace of some higher power, I realized how unbelievably idiotic and selfish having sex with an OM while unprotected was (I wish that same higher power had intervened earlier, thus avoiding the excruciating pain and suffering that becoming involved with an OM would have on my husband), and made the AP purchase protection. I made sure to be safe that night and the following two encounters. BTW, my husband is completely aware of all that I am saying here and then some. Full transparency was a requirement of our R, and I have done my best to not only comply, but go above and beyond in an attempt to be worthy of his forgiveness. Though I am not sure that I will ever be worthy, I will always try.
> 
> To be completely honest, sex with my husband is far superior to the sex I had with the OM. For starters, the OM was a manipulative and conniving bas**** who was completely comfortable engaging in an affair with someone who was open about their mental illness from the get go. Looking back, I can say that I was searching for someone who would help me, or at least be supportive of, my then desire to end my life. As my husband was unwilling to watch me throw my life away, I chose to pursue a relationship with this low-life. Some part of me knew that he was a liar from the beginning. Thus, the element that is necessary--at least for me--to have meaningful and satisfying sex, TRUST, was not there. He was (I thought then) attractive, single, and several years younger than I was. I was (stupidly) flattered to garner his attention. But that did not equate to any kind of superiority in the bedroom. For those here that might claim that FWS complain of the sex they had during an affair in an attempt to make themselves look better after the fact--that was not the situation in my case. I have always stated that the sex was mediocre at best. My husband knows this, as do the people in whom I confided during the time of my affair.
> 
> I've probably gone on for far far too long, but I look forward to speaking with you all in this forum and will soon be starting a thread introducing myself to the community here on CWI.


Thank you for posting this.


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## SomedayDig

Dday said:


> I'm am confused about the sex within the affair. My wife also had a deep EA with the OM and she said she enjoyed the sex. Had orgasms during sex, sometimes 2 which is fairly difficult for her. She doesn't say it was better than with us, just that it was different. I think she is trying to downplay how good it was because one minute she would say he was really fast and then she would tell me he would go so long he would stop without finishing and she would have to blow him to completion. Yea, she was very honest with every detail. She says it wasn't about the sex but more of the emotional connection but after over a month of not seeing him she doesn't miss him or have any desire to go back to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you working on reconciliation? If so, I'm gonna say something that will probably piss you off: In the end, what does it matter?

Trust me, I needed all the details to help me deal with my mind movies. Its the way I'm wired. My imagination was way worse than anything she ever did with that guy. 

If your wife is with you and truly, actively working on reconciliation, you are only hurting yourself and your psyche contemplating such. I only say this because it's exactly what I did. In the end, I found peace when I let that sh-t go.


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## russell28

SomedayDig said:


> Are you working on reconciliation? If so, I'm gonna say something that will probably piss you off: In the end, what does it matter?
> 
> Trust me, I needed all the details to help me deal with my mind movies. Its the way I'm wired. My imagination was way worse than anything she ever did with that guy.
> 
> If your wife is with you and truly, actively working on reconciliation, you are only hurting yourself and your psyche contemplating such. I only say this because it's exactly what I did. In the end, I found peace when I let that sh-t go.


I shut down that mind movie stuff quickly, no need to make visuals and dwell on things you can't change. If I find a bad thought creep into my head, I revert to a good moment I've had with my wife, it's a huge pool to draw from. I have a vivid imagination, so I needed to not create stuff to then have to get rid of.. 

You should also consider that good or bad, it was in the past... thoughts and memories fade, and even if the memories are fond, they are just that.. past and memories, where as you can get pleasure now and make new moments. You can help fade those memories and turn them into bad ones...


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## Dday

SomedayDig said:


> Are you working on reconciliation?  If so, I'm gonna say something that will probably piss you off: In the end, what does it matter?
> 
> Trust me, I needed all the details to help me deal with my mind movies. Its the way I'm wired. My imagination was way worse than anything she ever did with that guy.
> 
> If your wife is with you and truly, actively working on reconciliation, you are only hurting yourself and your psyche contemplating such. I only say this because it's exactly what I did. In the end, I found peace when I let that sh-t go.


We are working on R and like you I needed every detail to stop the mind movies. It has helped but not completely. I keep telling myself "what does it matter" and I'm trying just to let it go. I guess for myself only being a little more than a month from Dday I'm still worried that she may go back to him if it was that great. She assures me it wasn't and I guess at some point I will let it go but it is so hard right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

Dday said:


> We are working on R and like you I needed every detail to stop the mind movies. It has helped but not completely. I keep telling myself "what does it matter" and I'm trying just to let it go. I guess for myself only being a little more than a month from Dday I'm still worried that she may go back to him if it was that great. She assures me it wasn't and I guess at some point I will let it go but it is so hard right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Give it time, buddy. But again...SHE has to be putting in all the heavy lifting to help YOU during this process. Yes, you are responsible for taking care of yourself - no doubt there, however remorse, regret and all that goes along with the affair, she's gotta prove to you with actions and not just words. Make sure you effectively communicate your needs to her. Don't ever mince words. Let her know exactly what you need from her. And she has gotta be 100% open and honest with you no matter how ugly the sh-t is.

The old marriage was killed by her affair. She's gonna have to take responsibility for that. However, if she's willing to help create a new one - great. Just don't let her slack on ya.


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## lordmayhem

lovemylife26 said:


> glad MH hasn't asked any questions about the sex.
> Is it bad that I don't and haven't for a few years have had a O with MH. But with the OM had 6 in one night.


Probably the worst thing that a BH could ever hear from his WW.   

For me, R would be off the table and straight to D.


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## russell28

The Middleman said:


> Now that's interesting. Clearly they loved it while it was going on, otherwise why would they keep doing it ... over and over. And let's face it, most waywards stop only because they get caught. The interesting thing is, why do they change their mind about the sex when it's over? The world is now in a different perspective? Trying to make themselves look better (saving face)? In general, I don't believe that there is a great realization that the sex is only mediocre when the affair is over, it's all spin, for whatever reason.


..or it could be that while in the affair, the sex and sneaking and excitement is there, and they believe it's awesome.. until they husband finds out, and then they feel ashamed, dirty, guilty and low.. so when they look back at the selfish behavior that made them look like scum to everyone they know, the memories are no longer good ones, but the ones that make them feel ashamed and low. Of course this depends on the person, the situation etc..


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## russell28

Dday said:


> We are working on R and like you I needed every detail to stop the mind movies. It has helped but not completely. I keep telling myself "what does it matter" and I'm trying just to let it go. I guess for myself only being a little more than a month from Dday I'm still worried that she may go back to him if it was that great. She assures me it wasn't and I guess at some point I will let it go but it is so hard right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you feel a mind movie coming on, do this.. look around the room at stuff, fill your head with thoughts that have nothing to do with anything (look at that green lamp), then quickly try to think of a time and a place when you were in a better place, a time that the two of you shared that was special. Doesn't have to be sexual, could be when you were younger sitting on the beach holding hands... could be just you alone driving your nice car, anything that changes the track. Press the pause button on that sucker, and push play on something more enjoyable for your viewing pleasure. No need to give the scumbag too much airtime in your brain.. they aren't worthy of your thoughts.


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## brokenbythis

russell28 said:


> ..or it could be that while in the affair, the sex and sneaking and *excitement is there*, and they believe it's awesome.. *until they husband finds out*, and *then they feel ashamed, dirty, guilty and low*.. so when they look back at the selfish behavior that made them look like scum to everyone they know, the memories are no longer good ones, but the ones that make them feel ashamed and low. Of course this depends on the person, the situation etc..


This is my STBXH. During the time he was "dating" the OW, while we were married, he was walking around like king stud, posting pics of them together on FB and acting like he was on the top of the world.

Then he left her. A few days later she said she was pregnant. 

Now it's: sobbing, "i'm so ashamed of myself", "I'm disgusted in myself", "My opinion of myself cannot get any lower"... and the old "I'm so sorry I didn;t mean to hurt you". 

*So I wonder what part exactly is he ashamed of*? Is it the cheating on your wife and child? Is it that the OW is a friend of his daughter's? Is it that she got pregnant because he thought he was invincible to those sort of consequences? Or is it just that he finally can't hide what he was doing anymore because now there's going to be proof in a baby. He has to face what hes done?


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## ReformedHubby

confused4322 said:


> I have a couple of questions about the sex in the affair. I have read so many times that the sex during the affair is the greatest. My first question is, if the WS spouse really does think this then why do they want to stay with the BS? Also, as the BS how can you be o.k. with staying with somebody who had the best sex ever with somebody else during your marriage?


I was wayward a lot at the beginning of my relationship,and to answer your question, I'm not so sure there is such a thing as the best sex ever. For me it was different but I can't say it was better. Not to get too specific but the bottom line is there is something to be said for familiarity. Its like comfort food, you may try more exciting dishes but you don't want them every day. 

As for my wife once I came clean she didn't want any of the specific details. She just wanted to be sure that I was done with stepping out.


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## Voltaire

ReformedHubby said:


> As for my wife once I came clean she didn't want any of the specific details. She just wanted to be sure that I was done with stepping out.


I think it's different for women and men. When a husband cheats, a woman just wants her husband back. When a wife cheats a man feels that his manhood had been called into question. Its a very primal thing and the man wants - needs, even - to feel that he has restored his status as the only male that his wife is interested in. He needs to feel "better" than the other man.


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## LongWalk

Sounds true, LB & Volt.
Can R be based on IQ, personality, humor, kindness, etc?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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