# Different sex drives



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I apologize for how long this is, just trying to give you a picture of the situation. I got married young, as a virgin to another virgin and stayed in a very unhappy situation for 20 years. Sex was good between us. After that finally ended, for a year I had a sexual relationship with a guy a decade older than me, in which we shared amazing passion and off the charts sex. 

I met my second husband (he had never been married) and am very physically attracted to him. Our first month we had a decent amount of sex, not nearly as much as I would have liked, but it was ok. He never came in me, so after the first few times I finally asked him if he was highly concerned about getting me pregnant or something? He explained he had never cum in a woman. I was pretty shocked. A couple months into our relationship, while he and a I were having a conversation with his mom, she said "I never liked sex." He chimes in and says "I don't like it either!" I am sitting there dumbfounded and I said, "well, I LOVE sex." 

By this point, we are in love. Like, I loved him like crazy. I know sex is only part of the equation, and we are so well suited for each other in everything else. He says he has never been with a woman that likes sex. I'm the first. He also says once a month is plenty for him. I would be ok with a couple times a week. 

Here are the other things that are challenging to me: 

Even though he has had a ton more partners, I think he has next to zero sexual skills. He doesn't like to kiss or makeout, yet he is very affectionate in regard to snuggling, hand holding, saying he loves me, etc. I love to kiss and make out. Only one time, early on, in the two years we have been together has he tried a position other than cowgirl, and that was missionary, which he said hurts his back. So when sex is rarely had, it is an identical experience every time. 

He has never gone down on me. I am always shaved, and I shower before bed every single night. He told me a little while into our relationship that he doesn't like doing oral. I was very spoiled with my first husband, he loved it and would gladly spend all day down there! This hubby has never kissed my breasts, or had my nipples in his mouth. If I cum, I have to have made that happen myself. He doesn't cum easily. Foreplay doesn't really exist without kissing or breasts being played with. Also, he only ever would want morning sex. I wear ****ty panties to bed every night. He does usually touch them briefly, but it never turns into anything. 

His testosterone is normal. He is healthy, works out. He checks out hot girls all the time. He jokes about sex constantly, sings about it etc. 

Sex is getting less and less frequent. I haven't cum with him in nearly 6 months now. We have been on many vacations, and no vacation sex either. I have an awesome amount of sexy lingerie. I have packed my French maid outfit at least 6 times, he's still never seen it. In fact he hasn't seen even 1% of my lingerie. Sometimes I want to just throw it all away. 

We didn't make love on our wedding night. Or in the few weeks following our wedding. We did once on our 3 week honeymoon. 

This has ultimately caused me to be very self conscious and feel undesirable . Even though I am constantly hit on by men, (and he is eye candy for plenty of women). We would probably be considered as good looking people. Due to the situation, I can't seem to bring myself to be the aggressor, because it hurts me so much when I try and nothing happens. I admit, after a couple months with no bangin' I finally start to get pissed. This is qqbecause I need it so bad, and I tell him so, and then once I'm pissed, he THEN tries to make some moves... 

I just don't know what to do now. I don't know what I am doing wrong. When we do have we do have sex he is always happy about it, enjoys it and seems proud of himself if I had an orgasm. I have done things to him he has never experienced before, and he has enjoyed them a lot. If I understood him right, he had only ever cum by making himself cum. I was the first time he had a O with a hand job or BJ. 

He has a nice size, thick ****, and it feels amazing in me. 
I just need to have it way more often, and for it to be with some FP and position variety. 

What should I do? I don't want to be unfaithful. I get nervous because I miss having sex, SO much. Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He told you a couple months into the relationship. What? You didn't believe him? He said it front of his mother. The man doesn't like sex. The man doesn't want to do any work involving sex. The man doesn't know how to do any work involving sex. For a person who loves sex, you sure picked a winner. 

You know what you have to do because he isn't interested in what you love to do.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You made a mistake marrying him. This is NOT fixable. You'd have been better off as friends. It's not too late to undo the mistake, but I do understand that it will be emotionally difficult. Do it anyway.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Thanks for your reply. I hear you loud and clear. 

Like a I said, by that point we were already in love. Our daily life is one of such happiness (in stark contrast to my dark and miserable life with my ex) I could never give it up. That statement with his mom was pretty harsh, but it was in a light, joking conversation. Heck yeah my ears zoomed in on that tho! I have asked him about it in private convos and he always says that he doesn't need it very often. He would say it is different with me, because I was the first one he had been with that loves sex...

I understand that most people will think that I should leave, or that I should have never married him. That's not an option. I absolutely love being with him. I am trying to figure out if I can teach him some stuff (I've never be a teacher in this role, or even an aggressor, so I'm not even sure where to start.) I am hoping for some suggestions along that line, or along the line of me needing it less than I do.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Good luck, then. I don't have any suggestions for you, but others here may. But keep in mind: love is not enough.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> Good luck, then. I don't have any suggestions for you, but others here may. But keep in mind: love is not enough.


Thank you sweetheart for replying and it sounds like from your name you have a good balance of these things in your marriage. After I am able to...enjoy him...I am so happy, almost euphoric, but then as the weeks and sometimes months go by, I do start to disconnect in ways and it does make me sad. I don't know if a sex therapist could help us? Marriage counselor? He says he is willing to do whatever to make our marriage the best it can be. I think he also is not an aggressor, so we have two people where neither of us are great at taking the lead in the bedroom. 

I would love to hear others suggestions if anybody has any.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If you cannot get the juices flowing the way you are (and by golly you sure seem to be trying), and you can't schedule it in where you just wrap you mind around pleasing yourself using him (to a degree), have you tried the visual erotica of couples films? I'm not talking about crude porn with poor actors, I'm talking about sensuous lesson type guiding movies for couples deeply interested in developing skills with foreplay and other boundary-safe maneuvering that drive you in the right direction for developing more physical and emotional intimacy?

If not and since he is open for counseling of various types, take him up on it.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Thank you sweetheart for replying and it sounds like from your name you have a good balance of these things in your marriage. After I am able to...enjoy him...I am so happy, almost euphoric, but then as the weeks and sometimes months go by, I do start to disconnect in ways and it does make me sad. I don't know if a sex therapist could help us? Marriage counselor? He says he is willing to do whatever to make our marriage the best it can be. I think he also is not an aggressor, so we have two people where neither of us are great at taking the lead in the bedroom.
> 
> I would love to hear others suggestions if anybody has any.


If he is willing, you should certainly encourage marriage counselling or - especially - a sex therapist. He may also need individual counselling to overcome his aversion to sex, which seems to have been ingrained by his family. It's possible to overcome at least some of his issues, I think, but in addition I think a full hormone workup may be helpful - if his testosterone level is low, his libido may be low too, and make it easier for him to be disinterested in sex.

In the meantime, you can slowly work on initiating more, or finding out what does turn him on - if anything - and play to that.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi Spicy, 
It's unusual for a straight man to not love sex. 
My husband went "off" sex a while back because it was hurting him because I wasn't aroused enough! 
Since he doesn't give you oral, I'm wondering if you are aroused enough? 
Do you guys have foreplay? 

He could have just been agreeing with his Mom. 
Are they religious? 

Do you know if he watches porn? 
That can also reduce his sex drive. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

From a guys POV, we tend to pretty much say what we mean. If he says that he is good with sex once a month, he is good with only having sex once a month. There is nothing to read between the lines.

Based on his actions, I would say that is the case. Rare is the guy that doesn't enjoy sex, but you seem to have found one. You can't make him change, but perhaps if you can express it to him in a way he can understand, he might be willing to try. 

As the situation stands, a Hitachi Magic Wand would be a more reliable sex partner. Sorry.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hi MrsA,

Thanks for your reply and good questions. Let me give you some answers.

I agree it is unusual...I really didn't think a guy our age (early 40's) that doesn't want a lot of sex existed. I found him :| and I'm crazy over him. I know my desire level is higher than most people, and I was used to going with less than I wanted, not a big deal if it was a few times a week...but now I would be accepting of a few times a month...a few times a year is gonna kill me.

In general I am not nearly as aroused as I could be. 
They are kind of religious, but never lived a lifestyle according to bible stardards (no sex outside of marriages etc). 

He did watch porn a fair amount when single, and I think that is definitely what has harmed him in the skill department...I think he has no clue how to "make love". A porno scene is what, a kiss and then pound the girl through her fake 4 minute orgasm, can cum on her face or whatever...For H it's just kinda a "cowgirl up and ride me and please cum" and he is ok if he cums or doesn't, he seems to enjoy it no matter what...I think exes probably said they didn't like sex perhaps due to his not being great at it? I dunno... As far as his porn watching now, I think it's pretty rare from what he says, but I can't know for sure.

After I posted this we ended up having a lovely interlude, and I came hard after so many months without...and I WAS turned on and it was the first time it was wonderful since the initial newness. It was a beautiful thing...I love this man...and he loves me...I think we can get better at this...I truly hope. That being said, he didn't cum. Sigh...He was SO happy that I did...I will get him soon!:grin2:

Let me know if you have come across anything in your journey that I should try! I appreciate reading your other posts on this forum. 



MrsAldi said:


> Hi Spicy,
> It's unusual for a straight man to not love sex.
> My husband went "off" sex a while back because it was hurting him because I wasn't aroused enough!
> Since he doesn't give you oral, I'm wondering if you are aroused enough?
> ...


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think you should seriously consider being the aggressor. 

I am aggressive sometimes and passive others. So is my DH. There have been times that, even though we both want to mate like rabbits, we don't get anywhere because we're both feeling passive and we just stall out. Usually, one or the other will take the lead after we realize what's happened. Perhaps you're both passive.

If he takes delight in your orgasm and is willing to let you "use" him, you got something to work with! Get yourself dressed up. Approach him like a stalking tiger. Confidently, yet sensuously, start kissing and petting him. Once he is all turned on and panting, throw him down and take him. Maybe if you break the mold, so will he. Be bold and encourage the same in him. Give him instruction. Tell him what you'd like him to do and then praise him for doing it. Put his hands where you want them. Teach him, woman!

Also, have a frank talk about kink. Maybe he's into something he hasn't had the guts to tell you about. Some kink or another isn't all that uncommon.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My two suggestions are:
1) set up sex therapy to determine exactly what you're dealing with (bi, gay, testosterone problem, mommy issues, etc.)
2) arrange an open marriage whereby you get to be with him and get your sex needs met by someone else.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is very difficult for you. It is nothing you do wrong, nothing you can change. He doesn't have interest in sex and that may never change. It is not talked about much but there are men like that. 

Are you able to talk to him. Does he want to make things better?


----------



## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Not sure what's wrong with your husband (maybe gay?). 

Plenty of men would LOVE to be with and screw a woman like you daily if not twice daily. Life's too short to live miserable, it's clear you love sex. Being married to a man who hates it, and apparently hates breasts, vaginas, and anything to do with a woman's anatomy likely isn't going to be a good fit.

You owe it to humanity to get properly shagged with someone who appreciates you.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You definitely need to first get him to a sex therapist and then the both of you.

There is something that is bothering him - putting him off sex so to speak. A good therapist with whom your hubby converses freely, safely and without fear would be very effective in getting to the bottom of this.

It maybe that you will need to patiently do what the therapist says for a while before he is fully functioning. I think the results would be well worth it.

So I agree - you will "get him" to orgasm in you and hopefully it will be explosive for you both. But he needs help first.

Do not put any real belief in him not liking sex - this doesn't normally make sense as you say - so you need to get to the root cause of his problems.

Make sure you do your research before getting a sex therapist - find one that has a good track record and is recommended by others.

Good luck!


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I think you should seriously consider being the aggressor.
> 
> I am aggressive sometimes and passive others. So is my DH. There have been times that, even though we both want to mate like rabbits, we don't get anywhere because we're both feeling passive and we just stall out. Usually, one or the other will take the lead after we realize what's happened. Perhaps you're both passive.
> 
> ...


I love everything about your reply, I want to try it all! Thank you so much!!!


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

uhtred said:


> This is very difficult for you. It is nothing you do wrong, nothing you can change. He doesn't have interest in sex and that may never change. It is not talked about much but there are men like that.
> 
> Are you able to talk to him. Does he want to make things better?


You are correct. This is very difficult for me. 

I am absolutely able to talk to him, and I do. We definitely want to make each other happy. I believe he wants to make things better. It's not that he doesn't enjoy it when it happens, he does. He also always asks me if I came, and so I know that is important to him too. I feel like we have some good potential, but I am not sure how to achieve the most success with that potential, and I want too!


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> You definitely need to first get him to a sex therapist and then the both of you.
> 
> There is something that is bothering him - putting him off sex so to speak. A good therapist with whom your hubby converses freely, safely and without fear would be very effective in getting to the bottom of this.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is what I am genuinely hoping for. We are in a fairly small area, so I am kinda concerned about finding a good one...there is probably only one, and if they are here, how good are they? Lol... That being said, I told my obgyn my situation and she did recommend someone, and I have her card in my wallet. I don't want to have him go to someone and it be a bad experience...

I want it to be a good one and helpful to our situation obviously :wink2:


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Maybe he is asexual. Heaven knows, he does not like the act of sex but enjoys the hand holding etc. so just maybe he is on the asexual spectrum. 

I like what @tunera, @MJJEAN and the others have suggested. If sex means so much to you, then you own that part of your marriage. You become the aggressor and the instigator. 

Go see a sex therapist, talk about the possibility of an open marriage and buy yourself some vibrators. Ask him if he has a problem with you pleasuring yourself with or without him.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

knobcreek said:


> .
> 
> You owe it to humanity to get properly shagged with someone who appreciates you.


That sentence really made me laugh...I would hate to offend all of humanity LMAO.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Maybe he is asexual. Heaven knows, he does not like the act of sex but enjoys the hand holding etc. so just maybe he is on the asexual spectrum.
> 
> I like what @tunera, @MJJEAN and the others have suggested. If sex means so much to you, then you own that part of your marriage. You become the aggressor and the instigator.
> 
> Go see a sex therapist, talk about the possibility of an open marriage and buy yourself some vibrators. Ask him if he has a problem with you pleasuring yourself with or without him.


I agree, I need to become the aggressor. I will be exploring how to do that. I am not even remotely interested in an open marriage. I personally could never do that. I have a vibrator, and no, he doesn't have a problem with me using it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a great book that, if you can get a copy, it will help couples in distress figure out how to connect again. Really good stuff. But I understand it's out of print, so may be expensive. It's called 52 Invitations to Grrrreat Sex.


----------



## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Spicy, thanks for the re direct here, it clarifies a lot. Your H doesn't have a "Low sex drive"...he has sexual issues. It seems like a pretty significant emotional disturbance that interferes with the "Normal" sex drive. That's a big difference. "Sex drive" is biological, "Issues" are created by psychological perceptions that affect actual behavior. That's a gross oversimplification, but you get the point. As a result, you'd need to direct your efforts not so much at "Improving his sex drive", but rather help him understand and respond differently to the issues that are clearly affecting his sexual drive. And, you need a professional's help. This is something that's in there pretty deep for him and requires experience and care to safely remove, it predates your relationship, it has nothing to do with you.

Get into therapy with him.


----------



## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

You say he responds well when you initiate and try new things with him. Why not keep up with that?

He won't change overnight, but if he likes the direction, he'll catch up eventually.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Unicus said:


> Spicy, thanks for the re direct here, it clarifies a lot. Your H doesn't have a "Low sex drive"...he has sexual issues. It seems like a pretty significant emotional disturbance that interferes with the "Normal" sex drive. That's a big difference. "Sex drive" is biological, "Issues" are created by psychological perceptions that affect actual behavior. That's a gross oversimplification, but you get the point. As a result, you'd need to direct your efforts not so much at "Improving his sex drive", but rather help him understand and respond differently to the issues that are clearly affecting his sexual drive. And, you need a professional's help. This is something that's in there pretty deep for him and requires experience and care to safely remove, it predates your relationship, it has nothing to do with you.
> 
> Get into therapy with him.


Agreed, thanks SO much for your time to come read this and answer!


----------

