# Why am I being punished for what he did wrong?



## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

I first met my husband four years ago. We clicked instantly. Since the very beginning he became my best friend, my greatest support, the love of my life. He was in the military, we survived an eight month deployment that started when we had been dating about six months. He came back, we had a bright future ahead of us, we were so happy and so excited for every thing we were going to do. 

A year later he got out of the service completely. A few months after he got out of the service he started to get different. He was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression. We were engaged and he was having a hard time coping with being out, but never really let me know. He started getting moody, but he was in counseling and on medication and I figured it was just something we were going to have to work through. We had a beautiful wedding, a fantastic honeymoon. We came home and everything was great for a little while. 

A few months later he got into a serious car accident. He had a bad concussion but refused medical treatment. He stayed with friends that night, I didn't even know about the wreck until the net day. After that he started staying out a lot, never telling me where he was, drinking a lot, buying pain killers from people he worked with for the back and neck pain (supposedly) while he waited for his doctor appointments. He kept promising me he as going to get help. Every time I tried to pressure him about it, he'd get mad and pull away. Then his doctor left the Vet hospital, he stopped therapy, stopped his antidepressants very suddenly. We ended up getting in a big fight over it, and he got the meanest (verbally) he'd ever been to me. It was horrendous, the things he said to me. He left and wouldn't call me for days. Then he would call, sometimes being so remorseful, then calling again a half an hour later being completely horrible. I was a wreck. He kept telling me to leave him, that he wasn't good enough for me. I kept telling him we could work through it. He responded that he was a lost cause and the man I fell in love with had died in Afghanistan.

Then just as suddenly as it started, it stopped again. He came home, couldn't apologize enough, swore he was clean, had all these appointments, all these plans, we were going to do couples counseling together. He admitted he had started doing really hard drugs, namely heroin. He said he'd go to an inpatient rehab center. We did research on one in our area. 

Then last Friday, he got angry with me for no reason when I called him when he was out with friends. In the middle of the night I woke up and realized he still wasn't home an never told me where he was, he had promised that he wasn't going to that any more. I texted him saying how disappointed I was and asking him if he was ever really going to try and change this behavior.

The next day he called me to say no, he couldn't change. We got in a huge fight, I begged him not to pull away again. He told me it was too late, we were too late, that it was all his fault but he was never going to be good enough. Right before I went to work he came home to talk to my face and tell me to leave him. I kept telling him I didn't care what it took, I would stand behind him and support him. Then he just casually threw in the fact that he cheated on me. At first I didn't even believe it, I thought he was just trying to push me away, and I was furious he would say such a think to hurt me. 

Sex is a big issue for me. He had been so horribly scarred by being cheated on in his past, all but one guy I had ever so much as dated had left me for another woman, both our dad's cheated on our moms resulted in our parents divorcing, he had gone through therapy with me to help me get over being molested as a child and the fact that I made a couple of mistakes in college because I had such a skewed view of sex which I am now incredibly remorseful of. Before he had left on this insane binge, he had criticized me heavily for not fulfilling his needs, saying that it was too much work with me because I always needed it to "mean something" and I shocker, required foreplay to keep it from hurting most of the time. He made me feel so broken and dirty. And he never really apologized for that. 

So I asked him who with and he said he couldn't remember, he was so doped up he didn't even know about it until other people told him. So I assumed he was lying. But then he kept saying it, and I slowly realized that the whole good week he was back he never tried to be physical with me. At the time I chocked it up to him realizing he had really hurt me and him trying not to pressure me, but thinking about it I realized he wouldn't even make out with me when I tried to kiss him deeply. He kept saying it would never work between us again. After a day of thinking about it, and lots of talks with people I trust deeply, a couple of calls to some hotlines, I decided that since he truly hadn't been himself in months, if he really was that high, not that it forgives it, he never should have been in that situation and he still never should have let it happen, that I was willing to work on it.

But he's refusing. We talked yesterday. It was the first time he even said he was sorry. Before whenever he brought it up, he yelled at me for crying, said he already felt bad enough. The night I first started to really believe he was telling the truth, he just left and said he already understood what he had done and didn't need to listen to me say it. And he just left me there. He knows that I had a self injury problem when I was younger, I've only relapsed twice since I knew him, and I really thought I might die that night. I kept calling and texting him, telling him I truly couldn't be alone (I moved here for him, I had no one else) and he didn't answer. Pleading texts for him to just come help me be safe, and no answer. 

So we talk yesterday, and he keeps saying he's sorry, and I'm so beautiful, and he was never supposed to have someone like me, blah blah blah. I told him that I was willing to try and work on it, and he kept saying no. I was crushed. Why wasn't he trying to fight for me? Literally less than a week before he was saying how lucky he was to have me, I was the best decision he's ever made, he said it so sincerely. And in the span of a couple of days, he's completely over it. He say he needs to pay for what he's done, he can never look at me again, never forgive himself. He says it happened more than once in that week with that girl, and there may be another. That he figured he had already lost me and he should have came home to try then but he was selfish and thought I would instantly hate him and he didn't want to deal with it so he stayed away and he can't forgive himself for that. I begged him not to give me any more of that information for the time being, but he did anyway. He didn't know either or them. Isn't still talking to them. They knew he was married. I feel so sick just thinking about it. 

And the thing is, I still think that maybe, maybe we can work it out. I don't think it's a guarantee, but he's clearly not okay in his head. He's been erratic, completely different personality, he's been such a different person the past couple of months. I don't want to give up on the guy I knew for the 3.6 years before that. I've seen glimpses of him lately, but he hasn't been the man I've been seeing the most these days. We've agreed to have individual counseling and to be apart for a few weeks/months, and that we'd do couples therapy. But he keeps saying it's just because I want to and he owes it to me, but warns he will never be able to be with me again. Said he's going to stop wearing his wedding ring, won't even promise to not see anyone else until we at least have a divorce started or something. 

The cheating hurts, but the fact that he's giving up hurts so much more. He should be begging for me back. He keeps framing everything like he's such a victim, how he ruined his life, how I was always too good for him, how I'm going to find someone new with no problem. If I get too emotional, he gets mad at me for making him feel worse. Why doesn't he miss me? He kept saying how much he loved me, how can you love someone then not even do a single thing to try and show that you do? He keeps acting like not trying to work through this with me is some huge martyred sacrifice on his part, when I'm the one who feels gutted. 

I keep hoping that as he gets help (he said he saw a therapist, and that his therapist agrees he will never be able to be a good husband to me. I don't think therapists are allowed to say things like that? Especially on a first visit? So I feel like either he's lying about seeing someone, lying about them saying that, or he's seeing a terrible doctor) that he's going to open up to the possibility of trying. Some moments I think it doesn't matter if I'm the one who is trying right now, that three days of bad decisions doesn't need to be the end of the next 50-60 years we were supposed to have. The next moment I feel so dead and angry and hopeless that this could ever work again.

I can't even begin to stress how incredibly different he is being from himself. Just a few months ago, though he got moody from time to time, he was still so goofy, so playful, so incredibly sweet and devoted. He is such a different person now. He's a monster now. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I've called 4 different therapists for myself and* none *of them will call me back. It's just really hard to get through the days right now. Last time he called me he was being a jerk again. I haven't heard from him all day now. I just don't get how he doesn't miss me or our life together. 

I don't know what I'm expecting here. I just feel so, so low and I need help but I don't know how.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are having these problems. But I feel I need to be pretty blunt here.

From what you have said a couple of things are pretty clear. Your husband has drug and mental health issues. He sounds bi-polar. Add the drugs to it and its hell. He also sounds very emotionally abusive. Has he ever hit or pushed you?

Secondly it's pretty clear that he does not want to be married to you any longer. But he also seems to have a problem drawing the line. So he’s playing this on again off again game with you. I think he does not want to 100% tell you that it’s over. He wants you to make the final move to end the relationship.

The more he plays with your emotions the more needy and clingy you get. You are putting a pretty big guilt trip on him (not that he does not deserve it. He’s being down right mean.)
Your using your self-hurting history to try to get him to come keep you safe is really wrong. That’s called emotional blackmail. If my husband did that to me I would not come home either. Don’t mean to be harsh, but that will not win anything for you.

Being needy, crying, begging, threatening to hurt yourself. It’s all pretty unattractive. IT will NEVER get him back and this behavior will make it so that you can never move on if he does leave.
There is not one thing you have said about him in your entire post that makes him sound like a guy any woman should want to be with. Honestly .. read you post again. He’s got serious mental health issues that he refuses to take care of. He’s hooked on herion and other drugs. He cheats on you. He’s abusive. Now what exactly do you ‘love’ about him? You are co-dependent on him. You have issues that you need to take care of. Have you seen an individual counselor about your personal problems? You need to explore why you want to continue this type of relationship. It’s soooo harmful to you.

I highly suggest that you look at the 180 in my signature block below. This is how you need to be interacting with him. The needier you are the more this nonsense will continue. My suggestion is that you tell him that if he does not want to be with you then he needs to leave you alone. That you will file for divorce. That if he ever gets off the drugs and wants to try to be a loving, faithful husband he can look you up. And at that point you will consider if you are interested if you have not already moved on.

Sorry I was so harsh but I think you really need someone to just tell you what the outside world sees when they look into your relationship with him. Someone needs to tell you to stop putting yourself in the way of the freight train.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry but....I agree with Ele.....

The emotional pain you are both in is tremendous. You need to recognize that you are both suffering and holding each other responsible for the fallout. He is being cruel and hurtful to you---disrespecting, extreme and way out of bounds. His recent life sounds like lots of MAJOR life events, wars, crashes, drugs, violence, cheating, blah, blah, blah

And you had such a heartbreaking betrayal as a child whose boundaries were violated in the way you describe--you must be devastated seeing these behaviors in your spouse.

I know it seems like a nightmare because sometimes, it is. The more you need from him, the more disappointed you will become. He cannot take care of your heart----he does not even know how to care for himself.

That being said--your job is taking emotional responsibility for yourself. Meaning you accept his choices. Its going to be ok. You are going to be ok.

The only thing you have true control of is yourself. Tell him you are sorry he has had to deal with so much, how much you have loved him and how much you hope he finds peace, but it is just not working. 

He has chosen to dishonor you and his marriage. Take a step back and act accordingly.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh, BTW, if he hasn't called in a while ---and the last time he called he was a jerk.....

Be happy you dont have to hear it! Enjoy the peace and quiet!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with the other posts too. Definitely he seems to want out of the relationship and is too coward to do it himself. So he is nasty in order to make you end it. Could be also, I think this is a strong possibility, that he is having an affair, still having one, and that is why he is nasty to u. He doesn't want out but can't give up the affair, knows he must, hates himself for doing it, and so does all that martyr bs to get you to end it. And also that is the reason he is so erratic. because the affair is sending his head all over the place and he doesn't know what he wants. Possibilities.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a counselor with the VA and all my clients are combat Veterans. 


*Your husband is in crisis mode and needs immediate help.*

Take him to the nearest VA and tell them that your husband needs inpatient help now. If you can't make him go or if he is not coming home call the VA.

Veterans Crisis Line | Hotline & Online Chat

The Veterans Crisis Line connects Veterans in crisis and their families and friends with qualified, caring Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text. Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year

You cannot work on your relationship with him until he gets help.


First and foremost the drinking and the drug use has to stop. The VA has programs for this. Until this is stopped nothing will change. I will say this again, your husband is in crisis and needs immediate help. I was dealing with a guy a month ago just like your husband. He finally ended up in a VA hospital, first in inpatient acute psychiatric care, then discharged to the inpatient PTSD program for 10 weeks. 

Dealing with the PTSD will be a life long process. Don't dismiss this. It will be a life long process. If you are going to stay with your husband then learn about PTSD. It will be a tough road for you.

Complicating the matter is the possibility of a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury), either from combat ( I don't know enough about what he experienced in combat) or the car accident.

I feel for you and your husband and we are here for you.


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your responses. There was one thing I wanted to clear up, Ele, and that was there was only one night where I told him I didn't feel safe with myself alone and I truly didn't. I didn't want to call a hospital and have myself committed but that was probably going to be my only other option. I'm kind of amazed I made it through. But that's not something I keep using to hang over his head.

I thank you all for your responses. They were hard to hear, but I needed to hear them. I guess it's just so hard to see the contrast between how he has been the passed few weeks and how I have always known him. I'm close with his family, we should probably stop talking. Everyone's points have been that he's clearly really sick right now. His dad swears up and down that he loves me more than anything and that he's just trying to throw himself a pity party in a horrible way right now. Honestly he was the sweetest most loving person I had ever met. It feels wrong to just give up on that because of what this new guy has been doing in his place. But I probably do need to stop telling myself that, at least for now. He won't talk to his family, he's dropped out of school, he won't talk to any of his old friends. He's just trying to push everyone and everything away and I just really can't tell if he truly doesn't want me or if he is just in this really low place and needs people to fight for him.

Not that I would just take him back as soon as he wanted to. He needs to prove to me he wants it, he needs to earn me back. I just hate the idea of giving up when he's in such a unstable place in his head if there's a chance the "real him" can come back. But I do need to draw a line. It's just so hard right now. I still can't believe that any of this is happening.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Please follow Thorburns advice, also are you sure he's still not on drugs? if he is still addicted, nothing will change until that is addressed.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I agree with Elegirl.

You sound young. Can you picture yourself going through this hell for the the next 40 years? It may be time to write this marriage off as a loss. I know it is hard, but you have to look at your future. This relationship will destroy you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Call the VA hotline or go online to chat with a counselor. It is free, confidential.

It is there for you to get help.


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

Hello Thorburn, I didn't see your response until after I typed up my last one. The hotlines I mentioned in my first post were actually the VA suicide crisis line (he has said he doesnt have what it takes to kill himself but that he doesn't want to live, and I was very worried about that) and they got me in contact with the coaching to care line. I fully believe he needs serious help. A week ago he was looking into inpatient treatment, but now he's refusing. Every time I try to talk to him about him getting help, no mention of our relationship, just focusing on his mental health, he tells me to mind my own business, I'm not in his life anymore I can't tell him how to live it, etc. And he claims to be seeing a new therapist but I don't know if I believe that. If he refuses to go and get help, how much can I really do? I knew he had PTSD before we got married, I saw his change in attitude and behavior, and I was and still am very willing to work through that with him. But he's the one refusing. His second deployment was very, very hard. He did receive a lot of injuries, including losing much of his hearing, severe back and neck problems, among others. He lost good friends. I know he's really hurting right now but I don't know what to do if he's cut me out of his life. I'm so afraid for him but if I call the VA are they just going to involuntarily commit him? I'm really afraid what he'd do if that happened. His father told him he would do that if he didn't get help on his own when he disappeared the first time and he freaked out completely. He told me when he came back he would go voluntarily and that I better not ever try and make him go. The more I pushed for treatment the more he pulled away. Can he really have a successful inpatient care if he's so against it? I don't want him to go in, fake through it, then come back out worse than ever because he's mad he got put there. I really want to help him, but I'm really scared and still can't be sure what the best move is.

Also, is it possible for me to call the VA and find out if he really has been seeing his new doctor? He said he is, but I don't think I believe it. Is there anyway I can find out or is that strictly confidential? I called my coaching into care rep but she hasn't called me back yet and so now I just have all these thoughts swirling through my head.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

JKL said:


> Hello Thorburn, I didn't see your response until after I typed up my last one. The hotlines I mentioned in my first post were actually the VA suicide crisis line (he has said he doesnt have what it takes to kill himself but that he doesn't want to live, and I was very worried about that) and they got me in contact with the coaching to care line. I fully believe he needs serious help. A week ago he was looking into inpatient treatment, but now he's refusing. Every time I try to talk to him about him getting help, no mention of our relationship, just focusing on his mental health, he tells me to mind my own business, I'm not in his life anymore I can't tell him how to live it, etc. And he claims to be seeing a new therapist but I don't know if I believe that. If he refuses to go and get help, how much can I really do? I knew he had PTSD before we got married, I saw his change in attitude and behavior, and I was and still am very willing to work through that with him. But he's the one refusing. His second deployment was very, very hard. He did receive a lot of injuries, including losing much of his hearing, severe back and neck problems, among others. He lost good friends. I know he's really hurting right now but I don't know what to do if he's cut me out of his life. The more I pushed for treatment the more he pulled away.



I do understand the anquish that you are going through. My heart goes out to your husband. Combat does change a person as I know, been there.

Understand this. That his behaviors and actions have nothing to do with you. Unfortunately many marriages can't survive this. Add on the drug use and him cheating on you and it just adds to the misery for you. 

It always takes me back when I look at the guys sitting in my office, who has served their country with bravery, and come back so messed up. The shock waves of their trauma hits their loved ones, family, friends, co-workers, etc.

Take care of yourself. Talk to his family if you can and see what pressure they can put on your husband to seek treatment. If he was my son I would literally drag him into the VA hospital.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he doesn't want to be married, let him go. 

He is stringing you along. Please find your self-respect and cut the cord.


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

Hi again Thornburn, I tried to edit my post for a few more details but I think you started replying before they went through. I'm waiting for a call back from my coaching to care rep, I left her a message about 10 minutes ago, so if you don't feel like answering these questions then that's fine because hopefully I can speak with her soon. 

I'm so afraid for him but if I call the VA are they just going to involuntarily commit him? I'm really afraid what he'd do if that happened. His father told him he would do that if he didn't get help on his own when he disappeared the first time and he freaked out completely. He told me when he came back he would go voluntarily and that I better not ever try and make him go. Can he really have a successful inpatient care if he's so against it? I don't want him to go in, fake through it, then come back out worse than ever because he's mad he got put there. I really want to help him, but I'm really scared and still can't be sure what the best move is. Is it different with the VA then with a regular hospital? I was trying to do some research on it and it said they can only hold him 72 hours unless they think he really needs help after that. What if he just puts on a really good show for three days and comes out even more angry and destructive. With the drug use lately and the kind of people he's been hanging out with he's been very hostile about the police. He told his dad if he called the cops on him he'd never forgive him. I'm afraid he'd be an actual threat when he got out if we forced him to go. 

Also, is it possible for me to call the VA and find out if he really has been seeing his new doctor? He said he is, but I don't think I believe it. Is there anyway I can find out or is that strictly confidential?


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If he doesn't want to be married, let him go.
> 
> He is stringing you along. Please find your self-respect and cut the cord.


I have plenty of self respect thanks, my concern is that he may be making these statements because he's not well. He could be lying about just not feeling like he's good enough to try and get out of our marriage without being the one to do it, but he's not mentally sound right now and I do believe it's possible that he really believes he's a lost cause and I don't want to pull away when he needs help the most if there's a chance he can get out of being this way. It seems wrong to me for me to fully commit to ending the marriage while he's not mentally stable. If this had happened months ago when he was more himself there would be no question that I would not stay, but in this state I feel like I need to try and I don't know how to do that when he won't get the help for himself that he needs.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

JKL, why dont you PM thornburn, you may get some guidence a little quicker, sounds like you need it ASAP..

hoping the best for both of you...


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

JKL said:


> I have plenty of self respect thanks, my concern is that he may be making these statements because he's not well. He could be lying about just not feeling like he's good enough to try and get out of our marriage without being the one to do it, but he's not mentally sound right now and I do believe it's possible that he really believes he's a lost cause and I don't want to pull away when he needs help the most if there's a chance he can get out of being this way. It seems wrong to me for me to fully commit to ending the marriage while he's not mentally stable. If this had happened months ago when he was more himself there would be no question that I would not stay, but in this state I feel like I need to try and I don't know how to do that when he won't get the help for himself that he needs.



I agree if he is not well mentally, this is where the part " For better or worse" really comes into play


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

Thank you so much strugglinghusband, I really appreciate it. I will try to use the PM feature instead.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I am a counselor with the VA and all my clients are combat Veterans.
> 
> 
> *Your husband is in crisis mode and needs immediate help.*
> ...


My step son was in Iraq for a year. He got back about two years ago. 

He has all the issues you talk about. The VA will not do anything for him. He was trown from a vehicle due to an IED, landed on his head. Has back pain he cannot deal with plus some brain injury. 

All the VA would do for him is to throw heavy pain killers at him and see him on an outpatient basis. He could only get appointments on a 3 months basis.

Then they cut off the pain meds so he started buying them illegally. Then when he could not get those he started using heroin. 

So now he's addicted to heroin and in all kinds of trouble.

The VA is not helping much. From the sounds of it this is the same kind of issue that her husband has found so he's self medicating.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

JKL -- Hi there. My H has also suffered from PTSD as well as my father. Here is one thing I will tell you that I have noticed with most of the people I have encountered with PTSD: You telling him to go get help is useless. His dad telling him probably is useless. Is there someone that he was close to and still talks to that deployed with him? Honestly, they are usually the ones that can get through and talk them down, and get them to seek help. 

Try not to take this as anything but what it is, but you weren't there and you don't understand. This is how he is going to feel about almost everyone. Think hard, think about someone he was close with during the deployment. You might get lucky like I did and that person is the one he will listen to and get some help.

Just a suggestion, it could work but its up to you.


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

DawnD said:


> JKL -- Hi there. My H has also suffered from PTSD as well as my father. Here is one thing I will tell you that I have noticed with most of the people I have encountered with PTSD: You telling him to go get help is useless. His dad telling him probably is useless. Is there someone that he was close to and still talks to that deployed with him? Honestly, they are usually the ones that can get through and talk them down, and get them to seek help.
> 
> Try not to take this as anything but what it is, but you weren't there and you don't understand. This is how he is going to feel about almost everyone. Think hard, think about someone he was close with during the deployment. You might get lucky like I did and that person is the one he will listen to and get some help.
> 
> Just a suggestion, it could work but its up to you.


Hi Dawn, thank you for your response. He does have a couple of really good friends who were with him, but they are also not well. His best friend is currently overseas during some mission work to try and figure out his life. I don't know how to get in contact with him, I'm not sure if he would try to get my husband to get help because he was very frustrated with his treatments and gave up on them too, he just did it in a more constructive way. He has another friend who is still in the service and doesn't think he has any problems so he is not getting any help. Then the only friend that I know for a fact he still kept in some contact with has turned to the Church for his support, and my husband, though he used to have a pretty good faith, refuses to use religion for anything and so they've kind of drifted. So I really appreciate your advice and I wish I could follow up on it, but I don't think that's really an option right now.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I do not have any advice JKL, but would like you to know that I will be praying for you and your family. It's so sad what these young men and women in our military and their families go through. Something needs to be done to help them all when they get back. I think that is the least we could do. So sad.


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## JKL (Jan 31, 2012)

Thank you karole, that is very kind and I really appreciate it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

JKL said:


> Hi again Thornburn, I tried to edit my post for a few more details but I think you started replying before they went through. I'm waiting for a call back from my coaching to care rep, I left her a message about 10 minutes ago, so if you don't feel like answering these questions then that's fine because hopefully I can speak with her soon.
> 
> I'm so afraid for him but if I call the VA are they just going to involuntarily commit him? I'm really afraid what he'd do if that happened. His father told him he would do that if he didn't get help on his own when he disappeared the first time and he freaked out completely. He told me when he came back he would go voluntarily and that I better not ever try and make him go. Can he really have a successful inpatient care if he's so against it? I don't want him to go in, fake through it, then come back out worse than ever because he's mad he got put there. I really want to help him, but I'm really scared and still can't be sure what the best move is. Is it different with the VA then with a regular hospital? I was trying to do some research on it and it said they can only hold him 72 hours unless they think he really needs help after that. What if he just puts on a really good show for three days and comes out even more angry and destructive. With the drug use lately and the kind of people he's been hanging out with he's been very hostile about the police. He told his dad if he called the cops on him he'd never forgive him. I'm afraid he'd be an actual threat when he got out if we forced him to go.
> 
> Also, is it possible for me to call the VA and find out if he really has been seeing his new doctor? He said he is, but I don't think I believe it. Is there anyway I can find out or is that strictly confidential?


Unless he signs a Release of Information form allowing you to see his records the VA will not discuss his care with you.

Involuntary committment will only happen if he is a harm to himself or to others. Based upon what I am hearing that will not happen at this point. I have had to do involuntary committments and in each case I was able to get the person committed. But there was clear statements of suicide, a plan for how they were going to do it, etc. 

I have seen people who were involuntary committed who were resistant to any care, but turned around significantly near the end of their treatment. Treatment teams at these facilities are use to reisitance. It all depends on the center and the staff. But even the best ones can't force a person to change.

Your husband is throwing out threats to you, his father, if you do this I will never......, if you call the police I will........., this is all typical druggie behavior. He is controlling because the drugs have control of him. He does not want to give them up he is addicted. And he has PTSD, and a host of other things going on.

If you can, you and his family must maintain a steady, calm but firm front. And be unified about it. Saying things like, I love you and want you to be part of our lives, but we will not tolerate this behavior. If you want to come home, you must first seek out treatment, inpatient.

Know this. If he gets arrested for drug possession, buying drugs or any host of other charges it will have consequences in his future. I would weigh any threat he has made about never forgiving as the drugs speaking and his current state of mind and would not worry about those threats. They mean absolutely nothing right now. He is out of control and needs help. 

Do not wait till you find out he is dead.

Tell his father, yea I can imagine the funeral. At least when he died he wasn't mad at you because you did not call the police.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I might have to agree that talking to his dad may be your best option. Or someone who served with him. The problem is that he is in a death spiral for control. And so he is going to resent all the attempts others make to control him! 

I agree he is not well and your desire to get help for him is very compassionate, but he is unfortunately --- not respecting you or your marriage right now, no matter if the cause is PTSD, addiction or not----he isn't listening to you----you have to get someone he will listen to.

Please take care of yourself.


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