# Mistakes i've made in our marriage



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

when i got with my husband i was very young, 18. and he was 8 years older. despite our age difference i was actually used to a much larger age gap. I had been dating men in their 40's and 50's since i was 17. (daddy issues, seriously). I dated them in a non sexual manner, and actually only ever had sex with one of those older men, we had a long term-ish sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship that mostly consisted of him fingering me and using his mouth to make me O. we only had actual sex once or twice because of some health issues he had and i was too disgusted to give oral to him. 

when i met my husband, i had pretty much just ended that relationship with the older man. and though i was quite inexperienced, i think i had a sense of entitlement. I felt entitled to oral or fingering whenever i wanted and i also felt like i shouldn't ever have to reciprocate if i didn't "feel" like it. 

I would make nasty statements towards my husband in a passive aggressive way when he wouldn't give oral to me in a satisfactory way. older men are better, younger guys are too sexual/not sensual enough, etc. really mean and dumb and i regret making those statements everyday. i did not feel satisfied with our sex life because of the quality of the oral i felt was not up to par. when he would ask for oral i would provide it very halfheartedly, feeling resentful the whole time

I am now 22 and my husband i almost 30. and our sex life is in need of a bit of improvement . I am sooo sexual and horny these days. i want to suck him off all the time, finger myself practically daily, i love porn, love sex but we still have an issue, and it's the oral he gives to me. because of all the nasty things i said to him years ago, i feel very uncomfortable trying to give him advice on how to please me orally now. i don't want him to feel like i still think those things about him because i absolutely do not. how can i try to help him learn without making him feel inadequate? how can i tell him i would like oral more often than he offers it?


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Since you didn't say you talked to him about this yet, I'll assume you haven't.

First step, apologize. Tell him that the issue of oral sex is on your mind, and that you know you haven't been that supportive in the past and tell him you are sorry and regret it. By saying this without him bringing it up shows him you really do mean it and think about it on your own.

Then, tell him how you feel. Explain that you want to suck him silly (once again to show it's about both of you, not just you) and that you'd like to work on what he gives you as well. Tell him you want pointers from him too on what you do for him (showing him that you are willing to take criticism as well for how you perform oral, once again to take pressure off of him). Approach it like a chance for both of you to inprove for the both of you, not just for you.

If you remove the feeling of burden from him so he doesn't think he's terrible at it, that you don't like what he does, etc. and approach it in a way that shows him that you want to please both of you, he'll likely welcome the chance with open arms.


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I have talked to him about it and apologized many many times. I genuinely regret saying those things and i am sure it really hurt his pride at the time. he was already suffering from some ed issues and i am sure that didn't help.

I just don't know how to transition from "baby i am sorry for saying means things to you in regards to oral sex" to "baby, i am still sorry for saying those things but i am still a bit unsatisfied". It just seems like he could easily think i am saying that i still think all those nasty things i said to him before if i try to give advice/input. 

I always ask him how i can suck him better, because it is something i love to do. especially when he is fresh out of the shower, the first thing i think is to suck his d**k. but he never thinks to do that to me when i get out of the shower unless he wants full blown intercourse after.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Then stop apologizing for it. You've said it more than once, I'm sure he knows you're sorry, so saying it again won't change anything.

Have you tried suggesting that you want to 'try something different' regarding oral? Maybe approach it from that angle. Tell him that you'd like to try something else orally and then give him directions on what you want him to try different. Don't appraoch it as an "you suck at giving oral", just try to say you want something different. Once again, this deflects away from saying that he is bad at it, and focuses a more positive attitude towards the issue.

Secondly, I'd suggest a talk, away from the bedroom. Try having both of you talk about the things you both like from each other and the things you each like doing for each other. A positive conversation that focuses on just the good things you have going sexually. It can be a real self-esteem booster to hear that yourpartner likes this or that and make you feel like you are doing something good in the bedroom. It's possible he has self-esteem issues regarding sex from your past comments, and those can spread out to cover other areas not related to oral, even if you never mentioned them. He could be questioning himself "if she doesn't like the way I do oral, what else does she not like?" That kind of question can fester in your mind, so to hear your partner tell you what he/she likes that you do can really boost his self-esteem.


----------



## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

I understand your problem. I've said things to my husband that he says he is finding hard to forget, we have not had sex in 7 months and before that it was very infrequent. Im considering counselling though he's not too keen. I think you need to talk to someone


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

let your actions be your words


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

aribabe said:


> I have talked to him about it and apologized many many times. I genuinely regret saying those things and i am sure it really hurt his pride at the time. he was already suffering from some ed issues and i am sure that didn't help.
> 
> I just don't know how to transition from "baby i am sorry for saying means things to you in regards to oral sex" to "baby, i am still sorry for saying those things but i am still a bit unsatisfied". It just seems like he could easily think i am saying that i still think all those nasty things i said to him before if i try to give advice/input.
> 
> I always ask him how i can suck him better, because it is something i love to do. especially when he is fresh out of the shower, the first thing i think is to suck his d**k. but he never thinks to do that to me when i get out of the shower unless he wants full blown intercourse after.


Your problem is that yu have not yet frgiven yourself for saying those things. You made a mistake so do this. Talk to him one more time and this time ask him will he forgive you. When he says yes then you forgive yourself and start anew. 

Every time you feel that remorse coming back on you remind yourself that that was the old you and yu are a new person.

Now go forth and make love or better yet hot monkey love! You have been absolved!!!


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

That's true, I haven't forgiven myself. I just feel like such a putz for saying those things to him. And although he's forgiven me a million times over, I still feel like he has a complex. And maybe that's why he doesn't attempt oral with me more often. I would love it if he did attempt more, even if it wasn't that greatest oral in the world. Because having him on his knees, looking so submissive, with his face buried between my thighs, my god, it looks so freakin hot!

If he'd just do it more often, or at least attempt, then I would feel more lik he genuinely has forgiven me and then maybe i'd feel more ok with trying to tell him more about how i'd like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

aribabe said:


> That's true, I haven't forgiven myself. I just feel like such a putz for saying those things to him. And although he's forgiven me a million times over, I still feel like he has a complex. And maybe that's why he doesn't attempt oral with me more often. I would love it if he did attempt more, even if it wasn't that greatest oral in the world. Because having him on his knees, looking so submissive, with his face buried between my thighs, my god, it looks so freakin hot!
> 
> If he'd just do it more often, or at least attempt, then I would feel more lik he genuinely has forgiven me and then maybe i'd feel more ok with trying to tell him more about how i'd like it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesnt because you told him he was a failure at it so his natural reaction is to avoid being castagated again. You are going to have to over praise him when he does do it repeatedly to get hiim back in the habit. You have damaged the most important part of the male pyschy and as they say "you break it, You own it."

You can fix it but it will take time.


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> He doesnt because you told him he was a failure at it so his natural reaction is to avoid being castagated again. You are going to have to over praise him when he does do it repeatedly to get hiim back in the habit. You have damaged the most important part of the male pyschy and as they say "you break it, You own it."
> 
> You can fix it but it will take time.


Whenever he does it, I do praise him. Because that's how I feel inside, it makes me so happy. And the submissiveness of it all turns me on like nothing else. I just wonder at what point I can start giving input, because sometimes what he's doing genuinely hurts me. Sucking too hard or gently biting, it really hurts but I'm afraid to say so or show it because then he might not want to give me oral anymore... and I don't want this. This is a tough spot to be in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Yes, you have some work to do but I'll add one thing.

Submissive? I've never really thought of it as being submissive. My wife has talked about how intimate it is and how vulnerable she feels. We think of it as I am very directly in control of giving her pleasure. Sure, in practice she is really calling the shots with her body and I'm mostly following her lead. Will a change of looking at it help? I don't know. Will he still look hot down there? That's homework. 

I hope it works out.


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Yes, you have some work to do but I'll add one thing.
> 
> Submissive? I've never really thought of it as being submissive. My wife has talked about how intimate it is and how vulnerable she feels. We think of it as I am very directly in control of giving her pleasure. Sure, in practice she is really calling the shots with her body and I'm mostly following her lead. Will a change of looking at it help? I don't know. Will he still look hot down there? That's homework.
> 
> I hope it works out.


Yeah, I think its incredibly submissive. But that's what makes it so sexy. On his knees, almost bowed down, just to please and satisfy me. I don think it could more sbmissive than that. And then his face is all wet, I'm getting a little turned on thinking about it now!

I don't know if I could look at it another way, and if I did it might actually kill the allure of it for me a little. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing though honestly...

Thanks for your input 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

There's nothing wrong with thinking of it as submissive, just like your husband can in his own head at the same time think of it as being in control himself, like CharlieParker said.

I get the submissive part, I think that's a bit of the allure of a BJ for me. Not so much that she's submitting to me, just that this is something being done for just me, the pleasure is for me. It's all about me. I think it's a wonderful thing to take time out in the bedroom once in a while to do something for your partner that is just all about them, and to let them enjoy it however they want. 

I hope you get your issue worked out aribabe. Like I said, I think the best way to approach it is not to say that what he's doing is wrong, but to suggest a different way to do oral. Take the 'blame' or 'negativity' right out of the question.

Whatever happens, enjoy!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him you want it more often and talk him through during about what you like and what you want.

Simple. 

Also, apologize to him about hurting his feelings previously.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Sucking too hard or gently biting, it really hurts *but I'm afraid to say so or show it because then he might not want to give me oral anymore... and I don't want this*


Then you need to TELL him that. Not speaking up about the problem isn't going to resolve it. W/o communication, you will never get anywhere.



CharlieParker said:


> Submissive? I've never really thought of it as being submissive.



Agreed. It's not submissive at all. It's fvcking awesome!


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

anonim said:


> let your actions be your words


:iagree:
Really good advice...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Then you need to TELL him that. Not speaking up about the problem isn't going to resolve it. W/o communication, you will never get anywhere.
> 
> Agreed. It's not submissive at all. It's fvcking awesome!


I agree that's its awesome, its also incredibly submissive and I love it. My husband is a very proffesional man, and knowing that this professional, handsome guy desires to come home and get on his knees to satisfy his wife. That's freakin sexy as hell to me. I only wish he'd do it more, i'd be one happy chica.

I am gonna try and talk to him about it, maybe over some wine tonight. Hopefully the night will end with hIs head in my lap


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

It also sounds like he is trying way too hard. I've been guilty of that too, he made need to slow down and relax. Good luck.


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> It also sounds like he is trying way too hard. I've been guilty of that too, he made need to slow down and relax. Good luck.


Yeah I think so too, like maybe he's trying to make up for me saying he's bad by being overly "good", and it just ends up being to aggressive, like in porn? Maybe that's where he learned his moves from...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Yeah I think so too, like maybe he's trying to make up for me saying he's bad by being overly "good", and it just ends up being to aggressive, like in porn? Maybe that's where he learned his moves from...


I'm a little bit late responding to this thread. Between this thread and your other thread, it's not really clear if he views giving oral sex as submissive. I suppose it doesn't really matter for my reply, but it is a curiosity.

I think that in addition to forgiving yourself, you need to learn to communicate with your husband. I think that outside of the bedroom you can show appreciation for him, first non sexually by complimenting him or acknowledging something he's done. Small praise goes a long way towards making a man feel like he's appreciated, wanted, respected, and desired. Second sexually by dropping hints about how much you love being intimate with him. 

In bed when he's between your legs you can continue the little praise while slipping in what you'd like him to do, and how you'd like him to change his technique. "Ooh, baby you turn me on so much when you're doing that to me. You look sooo sexy. How about a little less here, and a little more there?" When he gives you a little more "there", praise him. "Mmmm. You're too good to me." And when he's done, you be sure to tell him THANK YOU! A little praise goes a long way.

Best of luck to you two.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ari,
Use one of his nipples as a "proxy" for your button and do to him what you want him to do to you. 







aribabe said:


> when i got with my husband i was very young, 18. and he was 8 years older. despite our age difference i was actually used to a much larger age gap. I had been dating men in their 40's and 50's since i was 17. (daddy issues, seriously). I dated them in a non sexual manner, and actually only ever had sex with one of those older men, we had a long term-ish sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship that mostly consisted of him fingering me and using his mouth to make me O. we only had actual sex once or twice because of some health issues he had and i was too disgusted to give oral to him.
> 
> when i met my husband, i had pretty much just ended that relationship with the older man. and though i was quite inexperienced, i think i had a sense of entitlement. I felt entitled to oral or fingering whenever i wanted and i also felt like i shouldn't ever have to reciprocate if i didn't "feel" like it.
> 
> ...


----------

