# A wifes view please



## John gracre (Mar 18, 2011)

Yesterday was a bank holiday in Ireland. i had a work deadline this week that ran over. By Wedensday night i knew i'd have to go into the office until this piece of work was done. I kept my wife well informed. All was good. She comiserated with me about it being ****ty to have to go into work and said dont worry sure Easters around the corner. 

So i left for work and through the day it became obvious that my wife was getting bored at home. Work took longer then expected,I called her to let her know that i would be another while longer. She went ape **** at me on the phone about it.
I gritted my teeth said nothing, got the work done, got home at six pm. She howled at me, she was just so angry at me and then after she had screamed herself out she has gone silent. She hasnt spoken to me since about 7pm last night and made me sleep in the spare room.

I'm just confused as to why she has got so angry at me? please could a woman give me some insight as to what has made her so angry?

I understand that she would have liked to spend the day driving around the mountains or up along the coast, but circumstances were beyond me direct control. She rants at me in return that i'm too cowardly to tell my boss i wont be in or to leave my job.
Perhaps i should walk out of my job etc but my wife does not consider the full implications on family finance and job security etc that would result. She doesnt want to think about it. Her approach is a more 'just do it' and pick up the pieces later approach.

When I analyse this myself i keep feeling there has to be more then just the fact that her day was put out. Has to be. How could she get so angry other wise. The thing is I'm a loss to figure out what it might be. She wont tell me, its just a constant stream of abuse about her being discomoded by my work commitments.

The only tiny inkling i have is that she says she was bored. This comes up a lot. On a day where she is off sick or has a day off that i dont, she does not seem to be able to fill her day. I feel under immense pressure to reduce as much as possible the time that she is on her own. We moved house last month, an hour from my office. The reason being that it would be close to her sister, mother and friends for this very reason. It gives me a longer commute but it was very important to her to be near her home. But yesterday her mother came to visit twice and her best friend dropped in. If this is the reason for her anger then im even more worried because i dont know how i can fill the void for her at all times. 

any advice or thoughts gratefully recieved.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

How long haven't you had great sex with her?

When was her last time orgasm that you gave?

I don't know about other women but for me to get craky unreasonably is usually I've been frustrated with my sexual life for a long time already.

After I explode all my frustration and unhappiness, I won't let my husband touch me, either.

If she's eager to enjoy some quality time with you and in a rush, that means a red light, it's urgent but you failed to read the signal, which leaded her to believe that she is not loved by you.

She has been looking for her emotional food from you but you aren't giving any to her. 

So any reason will cause her to explode even when it looks unreasonable.

Women are actually very easy to handle: What women need are attention, love and security.

When you're too busy working, you have to make things up to her when you are free. Make sure you give her a rain check.

You know what I mean? You need to be more romantic and make her feel loved, cared, and desired by you. 

When her needs are fulfilled and met, you will always see her smile on her face.


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## John gracre (Mar 18, 2011)

Its not that. We've been trying for a baby. I think I've become the reason, source and cause of all her bad feelings. Its not about a particular thing but that thing becomes a vehicle for for her to express her bad feeling. 

I'm coming around to the conclusion that she may be depressed but i really dont know if that definition is applicable or how to sort out what's personality traits,what might be normal relationship to and fro, what might be depression, what is my failings, what are her failings. i can't unpeal whats going on and put it into a nice easy to understand box. All i can do is to try and help her feel better as much as i can, but i really dont know how to do it when i've become the personification of her bad feelings. I hope time might sort it out?


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## John gracre (Mar 18, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> How long haven't you had great sex with her?
> 
> When was her last time orgasm that you gave?
> 
> ...


Fairplay that sounds very good advice and i'll be certainly taking it onboard. Its extremely draining to be so depended upon all the time for that. Speaking as a man, is there not a way that this becomes implicit to a certain degree? She would certainly not expect nor tolerate to have to keep reassuring me in this way . That said i'll certainly be trying harder


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's possible she could be depressed or bothered by something.

You might want to have her to communicate with you and listen to her and find out what she lacks of.

The other possiblity could be she has hyperthyroid that causes very bad temper and depression, which needs long term medicaion.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

She has definitely overreacted and is behaving in a childish manner. You and your wife are definitely not sharing the same work ethic. In a situation like the one you described, a wife should be supportive. On days like that, your wife needs hobbies and interest to occupy her time.

While I don't advocate taking a bunch of pills to solve life's challenges, I really think your wife needs to see a doctor. First, rule out a medical cause for her behavior. Be sure to ask the doctor if "insulin resistance" could be to blame for her mood/behavior problems. A female with insulin resistance has a very hard time becoming pregnant and also has mood swings.

If nothing else, encourage your wife to see a therapist. She needs to find balance and contentment in her life regardless of what your schedule is for the day.

May you find peace today!


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## John gracre (Mar 18, 2011)

her anger is still very raw at lunchtime the next day. 

Unfortunately we were due to go to dinner for my sisters birthday tonight. Bad timing. My wife has informed me she is not going. She is going to stay with her mother. She has also told me she will not be home Saturday. For some reason she has also told me she wont be cooking for me ever again. Basically i think she's trying to hurt me for some reason.
her anger just seems to be feeding itself rather then cooling off.

Now i have decided what i should do now. Do i go to her and risk annoying her or do i give her space? Do i carry on or should i sit at home until she turns up? Should i try and act normal or should i be treating this a crisis? How should i be responding. I dont have a clue and getting more desperate.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Even though you think that work is for the mutual benefit of the family, your wife sees it as you are putting YOURSELF and YOUR WORK ahead of her. She sees you putting your boss's needs ahead of her needs. Also, women base their decisions on emotions so she started feeling bored, not important to you and ultimately resentful. Therefore her emotional (not logical) reaction is to move out, get a divorce and go home. 

The solution is to make her not feel bored, make her feel connected to you even though you are working, and make her feel more important than your job.


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

She's not sick...
She's bored. Why is she bored? Because you have a full time job that takes you away from 10+ hours a day and she doesn't have a job or hobbies. Why is she angry with you? Because you are the one that is leaving every day to support you two.

Does your wife have any obssessive comulsive traits? Everything is always neat and tidy and in it's place? Clean house? Bed always made? Clothes in closet separated by styles?

It might seem silly but it is possible that your wife may be obssessed with you. Hear me out...
She loves you. Loves spending time with you. When you are not home, she misses you. Badly. She has no job or no hobbies to keep her busy. How does she fill that void in her day? 

She obssess over you. Over how she wants to spend more time with you. She wants you home more. Guarantee that as soon as she picks up a hobby or even a part time job, it'll go away. She'll work or go out. When she gets home, maybe there is house work to do or a program on tv. By the time she is doing the other things that she wanted to accomplish for the day, you're home from work...

See a popssible there any where?
Just a thought...


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

How was your tone when you said you had to work? Were you causal? I noticed a slight hint of sarcasm (correct me if I'm wrong) in this sentence: "I understand that she would have liked to spend the day driving around the mountains or up along the coast, but circumstances were beyond me direct control." Did you say anything like that? She might feel strung along, that you don't proiritise her and that you don't care that you had to, in effect, stand her up to be at work. If this is a regular occurance, she is probably feeling belittled and marginalised. It might not be your intention, but that's how it could have come accross. Making her feel loved in other walks of life would ease the pain of the times when you definitely can't be there. Sounds like she is holding onto resentment for past disappointments. If you keep disappointing her she will take it as a sign you don't care, then get angry/start to disengage. Just some personal opinions based on what you've written.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Hicks said:


> The solution is to make her not feel bored, make her feel connected to you even though you are working, and make her feel more important than your job.


:iagree:


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

John gracre said:


> Speaking as a man, is there not a way that this becomes implicit to a certain degree?


Speaking as a woman, *NO*. You should *NEVER *take it for granted that your wife knows you love her, when you act in the opposite way. This is the same as *taking her for granted*. When you were courting her, you prioritised her and made her feel special. She just wants more of the same. Taking that away after a few years of marriage is the same as taking your love away in her eyes. That's why she can be cold to you now, as she felt "coldness" from you first. Never take your woman for granted.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think I would let her cool off a bit. It is sounding more like the insulin resistance agitation mode to me. If that is what's going on, she is just plain agitated. Unfortunately, it is being directed at you. Wait for her to calm down. You can't have a rational, meaningful conversation with her while she is in her current state.

Perhaps send her a cheerful note or a small floral arrangement with a note that says, "I love you". Perhaps even add, " Hope you have a nice day."


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## John gracre (Mar 18, 2011)

Everyone has contributed a little bit more to my understanding and I appreciate it. Perhaps i need to be more explicity showing her my love for her as suggested. That said i would have thought that was one of my stronger points in our relationship. But i guess you can always do more. 

I had a long walk at lunch time thinking it all over. I really feel sorry for my wife as i can see how tormented by the anger and upset thats been worked up. I'd love to be able to wipe it all away. But i cant. She sees me as the cause. 

The trigger event is baffling, its not really in her nature to get this angry over the going into work. Any way im not thinking anymore about what trigger this because thats only a side show now. 

I know this sounds weird but even though she was off yesterday and in bed by 9pm I think she may be exhausted tired. Soemtimes for no real ovious reason she becomes exhausted and to be quite honest goes on a bit of a wobbly. This one is just extra severe. 

The concenus seems to be that it would be worthwhile consulting the doctor and just showing her as much love as i can. Thats what im going to do.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Quality time with you is important, and she feels like you've placed your job ahead of your relationship with her. Beware, her emotional needs are not being met. You might be happy with the way things are, but she is not. You need to get to the bottom of this and figure out why she feels the way she does and what you can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. At the same time, you might need to be appreciated for all the hard work you do to support your family, and she might not realize this. Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? It just might help you get things back on track and a deeper understanding of each other. I wish I had gotten this book as a wedding gift. Google it and there's an online quiz you can both take. Hope she thaws out soon and you guys can have a nice productive talk about what happened and how she felt. But don't get defensive, really try to understand.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She needs to suck it up and get a life that doesn't depend entirely on you keeping her from being bored. You're not responsible for entertaining her.

I ran into this same issue when we moved to Florida for a contract. My wife couldn't work due to visa issues, didn't volunteer anywhere, didn't do anything but lay around the pool. We didn't have any family or friends down there. Eventually, we ended up moving back home to start a family, but the whole thing built up a lot of resentment that boiled over later.

The rest of the advice is also good... But I think she needs to take charge of her own happiness. Depending on someone else to entertain you and keep you happy is a fool's game.

BTW, working a stat holiday doesn't justify the kind of treatment you're getting. There's either a lot of stuff that happened before that you're not telling, or there's something else going on with her that she's not telling you.

C


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