# Husband lied



## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. We have been married 19 years. Recently we have been having trouble with our 16 yr old one of which has been lying. After a year, as much as we hate it, we put a tracking app on his phone. About 3 weeks ago I got an alert that he had left school. I brought up the map to see where he was and saw that my husband was downtown. He hadn't mentioned he was going anywhere. He came home 2 hours later. He said he was late because he had to tie up some stuff at work. I told him when I was checking an alert on our son I saw that he wasn't at work. He told me the app was wrong and he was at work. He didn't know why he was located downtown. I kept pressing him and he continued to deny he wasn't there. He was so adamant, not in a mean way, that I would doubt if this really did happen. This went on through the next day. He kept denying it even though the proof was on that app. He finally admitted it the following afternoon. He said he had gotten off early and went for some drinks with two of his coworkers. It was such a stupid thing to lie about. Not that lying to your spouse at all is ok but going out with his friends isn't a big deal. He said it was because he felt guilty about not being home. He lied and lied making me doubt myself even though I knew the app wasn't wrong. I couldn't/can't understand how he could do that. Why he didn't feel any kind of guilt when he looked at me and continued to lie? Now I think about all the other times he was late at work and if those were lies too. Everytime he travels and we don't have our nightly calls because his phone was dead or he laid down on the bed and fell asleep was that a lie too. I question all of it now. He insists this is the only time he has lied about going out with his coworkers. I don't know what to think. He asks what he can do to fix this. The only reply I had was to tell me the truth and not lie to me again. The problem is I don't know what the truth is anymore. A few things I know for certain; he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair. I don't know if I'm making too much out of this. I check the app now daily and I feel terrible because it feels like I am invading his privacy. Am I being paranoid?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

> I don't know what the truth is anymore. A few things I know for certain; he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair.


Famous last words.  

Based on what you've stated in your OP, your husband's probably been lying to you for a long time but you have never caught on because he's an accomplished liar. You have two choices 

(1) ignore this blip on the radar and move on like it never happened (go back to trusting hi implicitly) 

-OR- 

(2) start digging to see what other skeletons you unearth. 

You can either pull the blind fold back on and keep it on, or rip it off. Just don't sit there taking a peek every once in a while.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

That's the problem with lies -- he broke your trust, so of COURSE you will question all of that stuff.
No you are not being paranoid or invading his privacy -- by him doing this, HE caused you to go into verification mode.
The reason "He said it was because he felt guilty about not being home." sounds REALLY weak.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lillee said:


> I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. We have been married 19 years. Recently we have been having trouble with our 16 yr old one of which has been lying. After a year, as much as we hate it, we put a tracking app on his phone. About 3 weeks ago I got an alert that he had left school. I brought up the map to see where he was and saw that my husband was downtown. He hadn't mentioned he was going anywhere. He came home 2 hours later. He said he was late because he had to tie up some stuff at work. I told him when I was checking an alert on our son I saw that he wasn't at work. He told me the app was wrong and he was at work. He didn't know why he was located downtown. I kept pressing him and he continued to deny he wasn't there. He was so adamant, not in a mean way, that I would doubt if this really did happen. This went on through the next day. He kept denying it even though the proof was on that app. He finally admitted it the following afternoon. He said he had gotten off early and went for some drinks with two of his coworkers. It was such a stupid thing to lie about. Not that lying to your spouse at all is ok but going out with his friends isn't a big deal. He said it was because he felt guilty about not being home. He lied and lied making me doubt myself even though I knew the app wasn't wrong. I couldn't/can't understand how he could do that. Why he didn't feel any kind of guilt when he looked at me and continued to lie? Now I think about all the other times he was late at work and if those were lies too. Everytime he travels and we don't have our nightly calls because his phone was dead or he laid down on the bed and fell asleep was that a lie too. I question all of it now. He insists this is the only time he has lied about going out with his coworkers. I don't know what to think. He asks what he can do to fix this. The only reply I had was to tell me the truth and not lie to me again. The problem is I don't know what the truth is anymore. A few things I know for certain; he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair. I don't know if I'm making too much out of this. I check the app now daily and I feel terrible because it feels like I am invading his privacy. Am I being paranoid?


1 question and 1 comment.

Question: You say you put a tracking app on your son's phone, but then you talk about tracking your husband. Is this same app tracking everyone? I'm working under that assumption based on the rest of your paragraph.

Comment: I don't think you're being paranoid. I don't know why someone would feel compelled to lie about going out for a couple of drinks with coworkers, unless, for instance, he's a recovering alcoholic or you're of a faith that prohibits alcohol or something else along those lines. 

Problem is, he's no alerted to your ability to track him... or at least the location of his phone.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Lillee said:


> he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair.


Famous last words. His lying sounds awfully suspicious to me. First, it's a trivial issue that doesn't require lying. Second, caught in the lie he continued to deceive you. Is being out with co-workers worth that much lying and fracturing of the relationship?


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

I'm new to message boards so I don't know if I am doing this right or if there are a abbreviations I should use. It's a bit overwhelming.

The answer to your question is my son, my husband and I all have the app on our phone. We have places entered like school, home, my son's work and it sends us alerts if he is not at one of those locations. Because we have the app we can also see all of our locations as well. My son could even open it and see where we are. I don't really think my husband thought about that.

I don't understand much about what having a cheating spouse would look like. I guess my reasoning about him not having an affair is because the posts I have read on the forum here makes it sound like this would be happening frequently. He isn't late from work often. The only thing that would makes any sense if he is having one in the city he travels to often. Perhaps I am naive but would someone want to have an affair if they could only meet up every other month? Maybe I do have blinders on and only want to think about the lies just being about having a few drinks after work. 

Posting it and writing it all out does make me question what the **** is going on that I don't know about.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Lillee said:


> A few things I know for certain; he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair. I don't know if I'm making too much out of this. I check the app now daily and I feel terrible because it feels like I am invading his privacy. Am I being paranoid?


Riiight, they never are that kind of man. They are always honest, upstanding, hard working pillars of morality, and never HAVE TIME for affairs, either. This is exactly the kind of statement we see here before the truth is exposed. I am not saying he IS having an affair, but this kind of attitude can blind you, sad to say. I will be curious if he hides himself from the app now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sadly, because we're all optimists, the last thing we consider is our SO having an affair.

Just starting from there, being aware it may happen, can open our minds, and that's a needed frame of mind.

Best of luck!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Riiight, they never are that kind of man. They are always honest, upstanding, hard working pillars of morality, and never HAVE TIME for affairs, either. This is exactly the kind of statement we see here before the truth is exposed. *I am not saying he IS having an affair*, but this kind of attitude can blind you, sad to say. I will be curious if he hides himself from the app now.


I am!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

"He asks what he can do to fix this. The only reply I had was to tell me the truth and not lie to me again. The problem is I don't know what the truth is anymore."


Are co-worker's male or female? Many folks have every other month/or otherwise affairs!

He could take a polygraph test since he wants to fix this. Otherwise you won't trust him and y'all's relationship is going to suffer big time!


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> *They are always honest, upstanding, hard working pillars of morality, and never HAVE TIME for affairs, either*.
> 
> If someone would ask me to describe him I would say that with confidence.
> 
> ...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Lillee said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> > *They are always honest, upstanding, hard working pillars of morality, and never HAVE TIME for affairs, either*.
> ...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you plan to start digging for info, DO NOT tell him any of your suspicions or ask any questions. He will only start covering his tracks better, if he IS doing anything. 

If he blocks himself from the locator app, I would consider that a red flag.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lillee said:


> I don't understand much about what having a cheating spouse would look like.


Does he have a password on his phone so you can't open it by yourself? Does he keep it on him at all times? Does he take it into the bathroom? Do you wash his clothes or does he?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lillee said:


> I'm new to message boards so I don't know if I am doing this right or if there are a abbreviations I should use. It's a bit overwhelming.
> 
> The answer to your question is my son, my husband and I all have the app on our phone. We have places entered like school, home, my son's work and it sends us alerts if he is not at one of those locations. Because we have the app we can also see all of our locations as well. My son could even open it and see where we are. I don't really think my husband thought about that.
> 
> ...


Let me tell you what that looks like:

1) He lies about going downtown to have drinks with his co-workers. What he was probably doing was meeting a woman or having a drink with a female co-worker, or worse. (2 hours is more than enough time to have a drink, get a room, and well... you know the rest...

2) When they are traveling for work, sometime they fall asleep and "don't hear their phone" or "they forgot to charge it"... Sound familiar???

3) They guard their phone... or have a burner that you don't know about. Or a work phone that "you can't have access to because it is for work". Any of that interesting?

You need to get the standard evidence post, read and study is and put it to work. 

I am sorry to say that he is more than likely having an, or some, affairs. You need to start digging, and keep your mouth shut, until you have concrete proof. 

Understand???


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When do they have time? Well, a prime time is when they travel and also at lunch. I felt my husband was the least likely person on the planet to cheat, always home on time and never went anywhere without me on the weekend, but he cheated for decades and all incidents were out of town (very common for cheaters) or at lunch (also very common). 

His affair partners (the ones I know of anyway) reported to him so they often traveled with him, etc. And not everyone has long-term affair partners as he did. Some only have ONS (out of town travel and lunch works for those also). He got away with a lot because there were no real red flags. I completely trusted him and wasn't suspicious for a very long time. And I got burned. 

Don't be me.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Lillee said:


> I'm new to message boards so I don't know if I am doing this right or if there are a abbreviations I should use.


Forget the abbreviations, I find them aggravating.



Lillee said:


> The answer to your question is my son, my husband and I all have the app on our phone. We have places entered like school, home, my son's work and it sends us alerts if he is not at one of those locations. Because we have the app we can also see all of our locations as well. My son could even open it and see where we are. I don't really think my husband thought about that.


Interesting. One would think this would preempt sneaking away for an affair but it's more reasonable that he forgot about it or didn't realize you could track him with it. If he were conscious that you could track him, why lie about being downtown...it just doesn't make sense because he would know you would know. So obviously, on that afternoon at least, he wasn't thinking about the tracking app at all or aware that it would potentially catch him in a lie. The question remains, why lie and deceive? Repeatedly. So now this is where you need to be honest about yourself. If he WAS just having a drink after work with co-workers, without telling you, would you have been upset and confronted him about it when he got home? In other words, was he lying to avoid an argument with you.



Lillee said:


> I don't understand much about what having a cheating spouse would look like. I guess my reasoning about him not having an affair is because the posts I have read on the forum here makes it sound like this would be happening frequently. He isn't late from work often. The only thing that would makes any sense if he is having one in the city he travels to often. Perhaps I am naive but would someone want to have an affair if they could only meet up every other month? Maybe I do have blinders on and only want to think about the lies just being about having a few drinks after work.


Depends how patient he is. A once a month affair would be pretty exciting, wouldn't it? Everything remains status-quo at home so no threat to security of normal life, a long enough time in-between to plan the next meeting, a long enough cooling off time to ensure no suspicion by family/friends. And who's going to complain about being late or away once a month. Come on honey be reasonable, it's only once a month.

Like someone else said, I'm not convinced it was something untoward at this point however it is a huge red flag.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I am sorry you are gong through this. I hope that everyone is wrong.

For what its worth....the first time I caught my H in a lie (41/2 years ago)- he said he'd never been to this female coworkers house(He had become distant and i was worried he was turning to someone else emotionally), didnt even know where she lived-turned out he had been at least 4 times.

That really was the first time it ever dawned on me that he could/would EVER lie to me. It gets you thinking - if he lied so easily and confidently about that
1.Why did he? He has always had female friends and did side jobs for women...never lied about them.
2.What else has he lied about....while I was giving him blind trust

After that I tracked his phone, car, put a var in his car, checked his call and text logs on both his work phone and personal phone- eventually heres what i found

-he was texting this coworker and calling her often- he was dillegent about deleting but occasionally would forget to do it right away -in which case i'd see 20 friendly mildly flirty texts one day and the next day they were gone. Once he forgot for 2 weeks and there were 135 texts to her-then the next day "poof" gone. He said I caught the only texts he'd ever deleted and he deleted them because he thought i'd get jealous-

-when i called him from out of town he was not where he said he was- he said he was at X's house,but he actually was at a bar-he held on to this lie for 3 weeks-until I finally said i saw the texts between X and him while he was supposedly there. He said he lied because i would be mad at him for going to a bar---UH NO----never been an issue

-when he said he was at work in his lunchroom, just got there, was going to stay for a half hour before he left-he actually was parked outside an apartment building 20 minutes away from work-he said he lied because i'd get angry he had left work early-and he'd pulled over to take a call

-when he said he did not call ow to tell her the boss was looking for her when she left early- he actually did- he used an office landline so it wouldnt show on his call log

-I got tired of all the lies and took him for a polygraph to see if he'd ever cheated on me- he failed -he said thats because he kissed a few girls decades ago when he was drunk and out of town.....so then thats ok.....

We are still together. We went to MC for 3 years, he went to 2 evening church courses on marriage, we went to a weekend marriage retreat....during this time we became closer, shared more intimacy, learned to appreciate each other and have fun again-HOWEVER---I will never fully trust him. And I developed a type of relationship OCD that makes me waste way too much time looking for evidence of him lying/cheating. I cheated on him 25 years ago so I feel like this is my karma. UGH

For every rat you see there are a hundred that went unnoticed.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Lillee said:


> I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. We have been married 19 years. Recently we have been having trouble with our 16 yr old one of which has been lying. After a year, as much as we hate it, we put a tracking app on his phone. About 3 weeks ago I got an alert that he had left school. I brought up the map to see where he was and saw that my husband was downtown. He hadn't mentioned he was going anywhere. He came home 2 hours later. He said he was late because he had to tie up some stuff at work. I told him when I was checking an alert on our son I saw that he wasn't at work. He told me the app was wrong and he was at work. He didn't know why he was located downtown. I kept pressing him and he continued to deny he wasn't there. He was so adamant, not in a mean way, that I would doubt if this really did happen. This went on through the next day. He kept denying it even though the proof was on that app. He finally admitted it the following afternoon. He said he had gotten off early and went for some drinks with two of his coworkers. It was such a stupid thing to lie about. Not that lying to your spouse at all is ok but going out with his friends isn't a big deal. He said it was because he felt guilty about not being home. He lied and lied making me doubt myself even though I knew the app wasn't wrong. I couldn't/can't understand how he could do that. Why he didn't feel any kind of guilt when he looked at me and continued to lie? Now I think about all the other times he was late at work and if those were lies too. Everytime he travels and we don't have our nightly calls because his phone was dead or he laid down on the bed and fell asleep was that a lie too. I question all of it now. He insists this is the only time he has lied about going out with his coworkers. I don't know what to think. He asks what he can do to fix this. The only reply I had was to tell me the truth and not lie to me again. The problem is I don't know what the truth is anymore. A few things I know for certain; he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair. I don't know if I'm making too much out of this. I check the app now daily and I feel terrible because it feels like I am invading his privacy. Am I being paranoid?


Yes, you are being paranoid because being anxious, suspicious, or mistrustful has taken you off balance.

So get your balance back... he is the one that lied, he needs to do the heavy lifting as if an affair was in place which is just what broken trust mirrors, willful deceit.

So he would rather lie, double-down on the lie, and then hold the line on the lie just to not tell you he was having a drink with co-workers?

Ask him... why he didn't feel any kind of guilt when he looked at you and continued to lie?

It's not that he lied and was troubled by it... it is that he lied and wasn't. It is easy to run from our mistakes, but not from our regrets.

I find that most people who lack regrets are often too practiced in their behavior... do you know these coworkers well?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you notice anything weird going forward, don't say anything to him about it. You blew your chance to find out what he is really doing.

If you had stayed quiet, you could have seen if he was doing it regularly and busted him in the act, who knows what he was doing there and exactly where he was.

Do this - apologize for not trusting him and then keep a really close eye on him, you want him to think it blew over and go back to whatever he was doing so you can find out what really happened.

Do not confront any more until you know alot more.

Could be nothing, but doubtful.

Mouth shut, eyes open.

ETA: There is essentially zero chance this is the first time he lied to you.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lillee said:


> I'm new to message boards so I don't know if I am doing this right or if there are a abbreviations I should use. It's a bit overwhelming.
> 
> The answer to your question is my son, my husband and I all have the app on our phone. We have places entered like school, home, my son's work and it sends us alerts if he is not at one of those locations. Because we have the app we can also see all of our locations as well. My son could even open it and see where we are. I don't really think my husband thought about that.
> 
> ...





Lillee said:


> *They are always honest, upstanding, hard working pillars of morality, and never HAVE TIME for affairs, either*.
> 
> If someone would ask me to describe him I would say that with confidence.
> 
> ...


If he lies to you about small stuff like going out after work, then what other garbage could be going on? And when you gave him an opportunity to explain, he lied, and lied again. He even continued lying about it the following day. If he had come to you the following morning and fessed up, I'd give him some credit. But he didn't, he continued in the lie. Only giving up the truth after you had been prying it out of him for two days. That's not the mark of an honest man.

You're probably thinking the same thing I am, which is, why would he lie about going out with some buddies after work? Unless you're in the habit of getting upset over simple things such as that (are you?), then I'd bet there's more to that story. Either he was somewhere else, or it wasn't buddies that were there with him.

My advice would be to lay low - don't question his behavior any further, or he'll just take greater pains to hide his behavior from your gaze. Act like you haven't a care in the work. Don't ask him where's he's been, who he was with, or any of that.

Then, I'd get a independent GPS tracker, and secure it under his seat. The ones on Amazon have a history, a map showing the days activity, and are accurate to within less of a city block I believe. So you'll know exactly where he's been, and when. This is in case he decides to mess with the GPS thing on his phone. Now that he knows you're looking at it, it's intelligence is of limited value.

Another thing that might shed light on what he's doing, is a VAR (voice activated recorder). If he's having an affair, then he'll likely be talking to her while driving at some point. The VAR will pick it up, and then you'll have what you need. Secure it under his seat like the GPS.

But, there's always the possibility he's not having an affair. Perhaps he just decided to lie about hanging with friends, for some illogical reason. We can hope it's only that minor.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Without trust ...... there is nothing.

Marriage without trust = no marriage.

It's that simple.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lillee said:


> I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. We have been married 19 years. Recently we have been having trouble with our 16 yr old one of which has been lying. After a year, as much as we hate it, we put a tracking app on his phone. About 3 weeks ago I got an alert that he had left school. I brought up the map to see where he was and saw that my husband was downtown. He hadn't mentioned he was going anywhere. He came home 2 hours later. He said he was late because he had to tie up some stuff at work. I told him when I was checking an alert on our son I saw that he wasn't at work. He told me the app was wrong and he was at work. He didn't know why he was located downtown. I kept pressing him and he continued to deny he wasn't there. He was so adamant, not in a mean way, that I would doubt if this really did happen. This went on through the next day. He kept denying it even though the proof was on that app. He finally admitted it the following afternoon. He said he had gotten off early and went for some drinks with two of his coworkers. It was such a stupid thing to lie about. Not that lying to your spouse at all is ok but going out with his friends isn't a big deal. He said it was because he felt guilty about not being home. He lied and lied making me doubt myself even though I knew the app wasn't wrong. I couldn't/can't understand how he could do that. Why he didn't feel any kind of guilt when he looked at me and continued to lie? Now I think about all the other times he was late at work and if those were lies too. Everytime he travels and we don't have our nightly calls because his phone was dead or he laid down on the bed and fell asleep was that a lie too. I question all of it now. He insists this is the only time he has lied about going out with his coworkers. I don't know what to think. He asks what he can do to fix this. The only reply I had was to tell me the truth and not lie to me again. The problem is I don't know what the truth is anymore. A few things I know for certain; he loves me very much and he is not the kind of man who would have an affair. I don't know if I'm making too much out of this. I check the app now daily and I feel terrible because it feels like I am invading his privacy. *Am I being paranoid*?



No you are not being paranoid, he is a liar, once someone lies to you it breaks all trust, he will have to repair the trust, tell him. You don't believe anything he tells you now, he has broken the trust, so it is up to him to do the right thing. I suspect there is a lot you don't know and may never know.

I am currently in the same position with a lying Alcoholic H, I have been naive, now I don't believe anything he says, or take it with a huge dose of salt.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Lillee, have you been reactive in the past when he tells you about things, like going out for drinks after work with coworkers, or spending time with his buddies? Do you often get mad about these things? I am just throwing that out there, thinking maybe, if that is what usually happens, he has taken to covering up instead...


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

The answer to the few comments that had questions on whether I get my knickers twisted if he goes out with friends is no. He goes to have some dinner/drinks with co-workers from other regions that are in town or with his usual friends. If he doesn’t give me a heads up it is just frustration when he gets home because I hold off dinner. I don’t rant or rave. He frequently tells me he just lost track of time at work or someone stopped to talk to him about something as he was leaving. (Yeah, none of this makes this situation seem any better)

Truth be told I do get upset with him when he is traveling. We make sure we have nightly calls while he is away. When I don’t hear from him because his phone dies or he fell asleep as soon as he laid down on the bed it is the usual argument:
-I waited for him to call or even text me as he is headed to the hotel. Why didn’t he let me know his phone is almost dead or he is really tired. (I have never understood why he can’t plug in his phone and call)
Holy ****, this makes it sound even worse

Is it weird that I am laughing after writing this?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lillee said:


> Truth be told I do get upset with him when he is traveling. We make sure we have nightly calls while he is away. When I don’t hear from him because his *phone dies or he fell asleep as soon as he laid down on the bed it is the usual argument:
> -I waited for him to call or even text me as he is headed to the hotel. Why didn’t he let me know his phone is almost dead or he is really tired. (I have never understood why he can’t plug in his phone and call)
> *Holy ****, this makes it sound even worse
> 
> Is it weird that I am laughing after writing this?


We have already covered this, and yeah, think about it, it all sounds bad. 

The question is, are you going to do the digging and find out what or if something is going on? 

Cause I gotta say, none of his behavior looks good. 

I mean, you get that, right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why didn't he let you know? 

Because he doesn't respect you. You aren't important enough for him to care about your feelings.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I was dubious until your last post. Doesn't sound good. At all.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I was all in on your first post.
I don't doubt he's cheating.
Stay diligent.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lillee said:


> The answer to the few comments that had questions on whether I get my knickers twisted if he goes out with friends is no. He goes to have some dinner/drinks with co-workers from other regions that are in town or with his usual friends. If he doesn’t give me a heads up it is just frustration when he gets home because I hold off dinner. I don’t rant or rave. He frequently tells me he just lost track of time at work or someone stopped to talk to him about something as he was leaving. (Yeah, none of this makes this situation seem any better)
> 
> Truth be told I do get upset with him when he is traveling. We make sure we have nightly calls while he is away. When I don’t hear from him because his phone dies or he fell asleep as soon as he laid down on the bed it is the usual argument:
> -I waited for him to call or even text me as he is headed to the hotel. Why didn’t he let me know his phone is almost dead or he is really tired. (I have never understood why he can’t plug in his phone and call)
> ...


When his "phone dies," is the charger still on his nightstand by your bed (or wherever he charges his phone).... or is it gone, with him at his travel location? Even if the phone is 100% dead, all one need do is plug it into the charger and talk while it is charging. I have done this many times while on the road. Did he ever call you after the "phone died" like on day three of a trip when the phone was dead on day two? Of course, if he did, he had his charger and could have called you at any time. 

And how often does this happen? If this is a man who is fully functional, and capable of managing his travel, hotel, flights, client meetings, etc., he's certainly capable of remembering to take a charger, and to call home before falling asleep. These may be valid excuses from a teenager, but not a mature adult. 

I'm guessing he also uses his phone to conduct business while on the road, calling clients, setting meeting times, following up on discussions, scheduling business dinners, etc. 

Does he spend a lot of time with his phone while at home? If he's like most guys, he'd be lost without that phone. He's going to make sure he's got his charger. 

I travel a lot. I've forgot my charger twice. The first time, I called my wife as soon as I realized it and told her I'd be limiting phone time, and I made sure my phone was off whenever not in use. The other time, I bought a second charger. I left it in the outer pocket of my laptop case, so it would _always _be with me when I'm in travel status. 

I also always give my wife my travel itinerary so, should I fail to call, she can simply ring my hotel and be patched through to my room. 

I've spent 40 - 75 days/year on the road over the last 9 years. In that time, we've missed exactly one evening call, and we scheduled that miss in advance (I knew I was going to a business dinner that would run late and my wife is an early-to-bed type).


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

Alrighty, this post really brings it all home that I am naive. The line forms to the right to smack me upside the head.

Let’s talk about that travel. He travels about 1/3 of the year. It is always one of two places. His job has three regions and they have “on-site” meetings so all the regions keep on the same page. Since he travels so frequently he is a very proficient packer. He always takes a carry on bag and his backpack with laptop/iPad, chargers for everything and...he has a portable charger as well. The issue of him not having a way to charge is phone is really, really unlikely. If those occurrences happen I typically will get a text the next morning with one of those two explanations. He is not on his phone much if at all while he is home. His iPad yes, but from what I see it is mainly computer games or YouTube videos about computer games. Yes, I married a nerd.

Moving on to beginning to dig deeper. This all started with the tracking app for my son. My husband has it on his iPad, not his phone. There is actually a reason for this other than being fishy. Because of where he works their phones are closely monitored so putting an app like that on his phone would flag security issues. Which leads me to my problem digging. I cannot put anything on his phone. I know the password for his phone and have been checking it the last two days. I feel really conflicted about that, I mean what if I’m wrong. I do not know the password for his iPad. From the stuff I read on the cheating signs post the only thing I will be able to do is the VAR in his car. So if he is cheating when he travels I don’t see a way I can “prove” it. Nothing on his travel card statements scream out anything other than flight, hotel, rental car and eating.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lillee said:


> Alrighty, this post really brings it all home that I am naive. The line forms to the right to smack me upside the head.
> 
> Let’s talk about that travel. He travels about 1/3 of the year. It is always one of two places. His job has three regions and they have “on-site” meetings so all the regions keep on the same page. Since he travels so frequently he is a very proficient packer. He always takes a carry on bag and his backpack with laptop/iPad, chargers for everything and...he has a portable charger as well. The issue of him not having a way to charge is phone is really, really unlikely. If those occurrences happen I typically will get a text the next morning with one of those two explanations. He is not on his phone much if at all while he is home. His iPad yes, but from what I see it is mainly computer games or YouTube videos about computer games. Yes, I married a nerd.


I agree, his phone dying sounds unlikely to me as well. And in the off chance it did, he has no shortage of chargers. Which, regrettably, leads to the conclusion that he lied - again.



Lillee said:


> Moving on to beginning to dig deeper. This all started with the tracking app for my son. My husband has it on his iPad, not his phone. There is actually a reason for this other than being fishy. Because of where he works their phones are closely monitored so putting an app like that on his phone would flag security issues. Which leads me to my problem digging. I cannot put anything on his phone. I know the password for his phone and have been checking it the last two days. I feel really conflicted about that, I mean what if I’m wrong. I do not know the password for his iPad. From the stuff I read on the cheating signs post the only thing I will be able to do is the VAR in his car. So if he is cheating when he travels I don’t see a way I can “prove” it. Nothing on his travel card statements scream out anything other than flight, hotel, rental car and eating.


Regarding his phone, is it authorized for personal use? Or is it for business only, and your husband is violating company policy?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Computer games if they are the type that many people play together often have a chat option. Lots of people cheat that way too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I find the whole phone dying AND the falling asleep thing suspicious as well. This happens often when he travels? Seems very unlikely for either of these to be happening. Sorry. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

After reading more of your replies, I have to say I'm losing confidence that he was cheating in regards to the original situation you posted about. I'm starting to get the feeling that he's just inconsiderate. To me, the excuses regarding calling you when traveling are more verification of being inconsiderate than cheating. On the road, it would make much more sense to take the time to call a wife so as to ensure normalcy and create an alibi...how could I have been cheating, I was on the phone with YOU. On the road he could sleep with a mistress all night long so keeping to a schedule for calling a wife to check-in is a small price to pay. Doesn't make sense to me. Cheaters are usually somewhat calculated because the vast majority have no intention of leaving their spouses. What makes sense to me in this case is...I've been married 19 years, she's fine, I'm tired, there's nothing to talk about of importance, I'm going to bed.

I think in the original instance he got caught in a lie and dug in, as most people do. The GPS caught him off guard and he now realized he would have to answer for lying if he suddenly told the truth, hoping you would just let it go if he denied enough times. Otherwise he ends up, exactly where he is now, trying to dig out of "you lied to me and I can't trust you anymore". Which is why truth is always the best policy.

I'm not saying you shouldn't listen to the others and dig deeper for you own benefit. Just saying none of this is making sense to me except that he does tell "little" lies and finally got caught in one. That COULD be indicative of someone who may cheat one day, but not a guarantee. This is a wake up call for you. Stop having blind trust in your husband. Trust, but verify.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Very suspicious.

I think you have some work to do to understand what he is doing when away.

Mouth shut, eyes open. 

Maybe it is nothing, but I would bet where there is one lie, there are many. Especially the fact that he goes on routine trips to the same place, would be an easy opportunity.

Start with the easy stuff....

Look through everything in the house, including his travel bag / closet.
Look through his car very closely (assuming he leaves in it for trips).
Look at what apps he has his work phone.
Go through the call logs and messaging for days you know he was traveling, look for any patterns or repeat numbers.
If your calls were to a phone that was on, they would be missed calls, if it was dead like he said, they wouldn't show in the log.
Try to understand his PTO / sick time to see if he has used any of it while he supposed to be traveling.
Check out reimbursable expenses he submitted.
Go through the credit card bills and bank statements during travel closely.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

What type of phone is it?

What games does he play on the ipad?

Do you have access to the laptop?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Yikes! I'm sorry, but this does not sound good. You are far from paranoid.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm not buying at all his "phone died" or "fell asleep" excuses. However, phone calls on time are no indicator he's not cheating either. My husband traveled a fair amount for decades and never missed a call home exactly when he said he'd call. However, as I eventually learned, he also cheated when he was out of town. To say that was a tremendous shock is an understatement because he was the least likely person to cheat I've ever known. You never really know what someone is capable of even when you're sure you completely know them. Don't fall into the 100% trust trap like I did. 

If someone is careful, cheating while traveling can be difficult to catch. Over time, cheaters can become careless if they feel their spouse is not suspicious but some never are caught. And those that are caught usually have innocent "explanations" for their behavior and always claim, if they admit anything at all, it was their first time. They totally minimize anything and everything. 

The truth and a cheater are very far apart.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

"He would *NEVER* cheat on me!"

Said every naive wife whose lying deceitful husband had them totally snowed.

One naive housewife in particular comes to mind. Everyone knew for literally YEARS what a scumbag run-around her husband was, but he had her SO damned blinded with his phony dedication and sugary words of love and loyalty to her that she was completely fooled. I distinctly remember her saying one night, "oh, my husband would NEVER cheat on me!" She would have bet her soul that she was right. 

Famous last words.

About 4 days later, after YEARS of his scumbag cheating and sleazing it up, she most unexpectedly caught him red-handed having sex with some skank. I'm willing to bet she never made that statement about him again.

Sadly, a lot of people have had to learn the hard way to NEVER say 'never.'


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lillee said:


> He goes to have some dinner/drinks with co-workers from other regions that are in town or with his usual friends. If he doesn’t give me a heads up it is just frustration when he gets home because I hold off dinner. I don’t rant or rave. He frequently tells me he just lost track of time at work or someone stopped to talk to him about something as he was leaving. (Yeah, none of this makes this situation seem any better)?


So, there's *no problem* with him going out to the occasional dinner or drinks (or both) with friends or coworkers, and it's only a problem for you if he doesn't tell you and you hold off dinner. Understandably. And he KNOWS that.

And yet, he felt the need to LIE to you - for almost 2 days straight - about something he *knows* you don't get angry about. And he continued LYING until he just couldn't deny the app anymore. Why would he have such a burning need to deny something that doesn't make you angry? Why, indeed.

You DO see that giant flapping red flag waving all over the place, right?

I don't believe for a NY minute he was having "drinks with co-workers." He was downtown alright, but likely not with coworkers (or maybe just a female one). 

I ALSO don't believe that the "one" time he supposedly ever lied to you, you just *happened* to catch him. Why, it's serendipity, I tell ya! 

Not.
Even.
Close.

You've only seen the very tip of the iceberg with this liar.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

On the other hand, when my husband travels, we never talk. We just never saw a need to. I trust him and I know he's having a blast when he travels, hanging out with guys in his industry. Luckily, it's a mostly male industry, so maybe I just never saw the need to worry. I'm just saying there are different 'rules' for different couples. 

The problem I DO see, though, is that you guys expected communication, or agreed on it, and then he chose not to care enough to set your mind at ease. That's the real issue here, IMO.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

turnera said:


> The problem I DO see, though, is that you guys expected communication, or agreed on it, and then he chose not to care enough to set your mind at ease. That's the real issue here, IMO.


It truly is. It shows a lack of concern for your well-being. Plus lying about not being able to charge his phone.

Please sit tight and don't do anything that is going to alert your husband that you are checking on him. If he is doing something nefarious, he will dig in deeper and it may be impossible to catch him. You might consider hiring a PI next time he goes out of town. I would definitely be watching the GPS app daily as well.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Lillee said:
> 
> 
> > Affair signs: Improving appearance, missing money, missing time, hidden bills, cell guarded, hidden social media, different fb page, sex life changed, LIES, mood swings, your sanity questioned when you ask questions, defensive when questioned
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My H also travels a lot and also calls me regularly when he is out of town. He was also acting very suspiciously at one point and I began to systematically check on him. I followed the guidelines here. He, too, had almost no red flags, just some changes in cell phone behavior and general attitude.

I never found a single thing to prove infidelity. But that doesn't mean he wasn't cheating then (my gut instincts were certainly telling me something), and it doesn't mean he isn't cheating now. It just means that, if he cheats, he's really good at hiding it.

I actually pressed hard on the issue at the time and we got couples counseling, which was incredibly helpful to us. We're doing really well as empty nesters.

You can't know everything, but you can do what you have to do to be as informed as you can. After all, it's your life, too, not just his.


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## jywilli69 (Apr 3, 2019)

@[MENTION];[/MENTION]


3Xnocharm said:


> Riiight, they never are that kind of man. They are always honest, upstanding, hard working pillars of morality, and never HAVE TIME for affairs, either. This is exactly the kind of statement we see here before the truth is exposed. I am not saying he IS having an affair, but this kind of attitude can blind you, sad to say. I will be curious if he hides himself from the app now.


That's funny, not all men are douche.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jywilli69 said:


> @[MENTION];[/MENTION]
> 
> That's funny, not all men are douche.


I didnt say that... I was referring to cheaters.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I'm going to throw my bet in on this one. I've got a tenner that says he's not having an actual affair, but is using prostitutes as often as he can. Bet his iPad is full of porn and Backpage-type ads.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Since his travel is to two places consistently, maybe hire a private investigator to see what he's doing when he's traveling. That might be able to answer some questions.

While there's a lot of suspicious stuff going on, don't think it automatically means affair. While I agree there are some signs, it could also be something else. You don't want to lock yourself into one conclusion so early because that will bias everything you look at to lead to that pre-formed conclusion. You could miss what was really going on. For example, maybe he has a drinking problem. His time spent at the bar "with coworkers" was really him drinking alone and him "falling asleep" without calling was really him passing out. Keep digging, but keep your mind open to all possibilities.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

wilson said:


> Since his travel is to two places consistently, maybe hire a private investigator to see what he's doing when he's traveling. That might be able to answer some questions.
> 
> While there's a lot of suspicious stuff going on, don't think it automatically means affair. While I agree there are some signs, it could also be something else. You don't want to lock yourself into one conclusion so early because that will bias everything you look at to lead to that pre-formed conclusion. You could miss what was really going on. For example, maybe he has a drinking problem. His time spent at the bar "with coworkers" was really him drinking alone and him "falling asleep" without calling was really him passing out. Keep digging, but keep your mind open to all possibilities.


Agree, situation merits investigation but don't want to do your own damage with unfounded accusation if its not merited.

Observe closely, don't accuse.


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

Magnesium said:


> I'm going to throw my bet in on this one. I've got a tenner that says he's not having an actual affair, but is using prostitutes as often as he can. Bet his iPad is full of porn and Backpage-type ads.


Ha, I'll take that bet. Unless he:

A) Has a bank account I don't know about 

B) Sex workers are doing stuff pro bono now.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you see his paystubs or have access to them? The money that goes into your bank account may not be all there is.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OP - has he given you a *valid* reason yet for why he felt the need to LIE to you for almost 2 straight days for supposedly just having drinks with co-workers on the day you tracked him with the app? He knows you have no problem with him hanging with friends or coworkers, so what possible excuse could he give you for lying about something you don't get mad about? 



Magnesium said:


> I'm going to throw my bet in on this one. I've got a tenner that says he's not having an actual affair, but is using prostitutes as often as he can. Bet his iPad is full of porn and Backpage-type ads.


 I'll definitely take your bet that he's cheating. 

But something tells me that he has plenty of opportunity with female coworkers and/or females he meets at conventions or in bars or restaurants or convention centers when he travels and probably doesn't need to buy sex. Truth is, there are tons of women out there only too willing to sleep with a married man and then there are those women who innocently do it not knowing they've been lied to by a married man claiming he's single. For a good amount of guys, they're able to find willing women right within the company for which they work.

Just the *high* incidences of him being away on business and feeding the OP the old, "my phone was dead" excuse coupled with "I fell asleep" for why he wasn't available to talk to her the whole night before pretty much says it all. Sure it happens to people, but not on a regular basis like it seems to be happening over and over with this guy. He's a liar and she's going to find that out eventually.

It ain't rocket surgery.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> I'm going to throw my bet in on this one. I've got a tenner that says he's not having an actual affair, but is using prostitutes as often as he can. Bet his iPad is full of porn and Backpage-type ads.


My iPad has plenty porn....I work half way around the world 50% of the year....there are prostitutes at the places I go...

I never cheated on my wife.

One thing does not mean the other.


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

It has been a rough couple of weeks of vacillating whether to go all in with VAR. I decided not to and I regret it. He is still behaving suspiciously. I have seen conversations about PI's. How do you find a reputable one? I am going to go through with checking on him when he travels for the next few week and I don't know where to start. Help please


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Lillee said:


> It has been a rough couple of weeks of vacillating whether to go all in with VAR. I decided not to and I regret it. He is still behaving suspiciously. I have seen conversations about PI's. How do you find a reputable one? I am going to go through with checking on him when he travels for the next few week and I don't know where to start. Help please


Any chance you could go to your local police or a reputable law firm and ask for recommendations?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I'm looking for a person, say a doctor, I'll Google the location + type of profession + reviews.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Yelp.com has reviews for private investigators. Search for PIs in the cities he goes to and you should find a list of them.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Lillee said:


> It has been a rough couple of weeks of vacillating whether to go all in with VAR. I decided not to and I regret it. He is still behaving suspiciously. I have seen conversations about PI's. How do you find a reputable one? I am going to go through with checking on him when he travels for the next few week and I don't know where to start. Help please


What has his recent suspicious activity been?


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## Lillee (Mar 31, 2019)

Spicy said:


> What has his recent suspicious activity been?


He takes his iPad everywhere, I mean everywhere even to the bathroom to play his game or watch videos. I can verify that is what he is doing because I can hear it and the times I have needed to get in there for something that is what he was doing.

The cause for all of this is the tracking app we downloaded to keep our 16 yr old in check. He put it on his iPad since his phone is secure from where he works. Anyway after finding out about him lying the first time the tracker shows he never leaves work except when he is traveling home, not even for lunch. He has traveled twice since catching him and he has left his iPad in his car at the airport. 

He would take that to play movies while he traveled and now suddenly he isn’t taking it. He isn’t forgetting it because he packs his backpack with all his electronics so he is purposely taking it out when he gets to the airport.

I have been checking his phone but no texts, no e-mails are out of place. I even gained access to his iPad and no Skype numbers listed. I’m just f***ed.

~Lil~


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Lillee said:


> He takes his iPad everywhere, I mean everywhere even to the bathroom to play his game or watch videos. I can verify that is what he is doing because I can hear it and the times I have needed to get in there for something that is what he was doing.
> 
> The cause for all of this is the tracking app we downloaded to keep our 16 yr old in check. He put it on his iPad since his phone is secure from where he works. Anyway after finding out about him lying the first time the tracker shows he never leaves work except when he is traveling home, not even for lunch. He has traveled twice since catching him and he has left his iPad in his car at the airport.
> 
> ...


He has a burner device, for sure. He is taking the iPad with him to try to throw you off and is probably letting the games play so you can hear them while he uses his covert device to communicate with ...whomever.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Do you know which game he is playing? He could be addicted to the game. That happens sometimes. When he travels, does he take a laptop with him? He might be playing on that instead of the ipad.

It is odd that he packs the ipad, drives to the airport, and then unpacks it in the car. Why not leave it at home? It might be a good opportunity for you to get access to it. Find his car at the airport and get the ipad while he's traveling. That will give you plenty of time to look through it. There are companies which do electronic forensic analysis. If you have one locally, you can take the ipad to them and see what they can find.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

Lillee said:


> Alrighty, this post really brings it all home that I am naive. The line forms to the right to smack me upside the head.
> 
> Let’s talk about that travel. He travels about 1/3 of the year. It is always one of two places. His job has three regions and they have “on-site” meetings so all the regions keep on the same page. Since he travels so frequently he is a very proficient packer. He always takes a carry on bag and his backpack with laptop/iPad, chargers for everything and...he has a portable charger as well. The issue of him not having a way to charge is phone is really, really unlikely. If those occurrences happen I typically will get a text the next morning with one of those two explanations. He is not on his phone much if at all while he is home. His iPad yes, but from what I see it is mainly computer games or YouTube videos about computer games. Yes, I married a nerd.
> 
> Moving on to beginning to dig deeper. This all started with the tracking app for my son. My husband has it on his iPad, not his phone. There is actually a reason for this other than being fishy. Because of where he works their phones are closely monitored so putting an app like that on his phone would flag security issues. Which leads me to my problem digging. I cannot put anything on his phone. I know the password for his phone and have been checking it the last two days. I feel really conflicted about that, I mean what if I’m wrong. I do not know the password for his iPad. From the stuff I read on the cheating signs post the only thing I will be able to do is the VAR in his car. So if he is cheating when he travels I don’t see a way I can “prove” it. Nothing on his travel card statements scream out anything other than flight, hotel, rental car and eating.


Jeeze- there is a whole group of bitter posters on here who got burned, so everyone is a dog. Someones husband doesn't call for an hour, so he must be cheating!

Relax and don't go down that rabbit hole. My guess is he goes our for drinks once in awhile with the guys, and for sure while traveling- and he probably thinks you won't approve, want him home, or just doesn't really want to answer a call from you when he's hanging out with friends. If you are hanging out with a work group, that's how it is. There is no doubt there might be women there too.

So just talk it over with him.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Does someone who uses multiple electronic devices accidentally leave their iPad in their car twice while traveling have anything to hide? Sorry but it doesn’t ring true to me. I think he’s purposely leaving the device behind.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

His behavior is definitely sketchy. I don't think he's leaving the ipad behind to bait you. Maybe he doesn't need it of he is seeing a coworker who is going on these trips.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Uh yeah, you were right, this got a lot worse since he knows your paying attention. 

I’m not tech savvy, but those folks will be along in a moment, and I’m sure my questions are dumb....Perhaps his AP has an iPhone also and it is as simple as they are using iMessage? If his devices are synced they would show up on his iPad too, right? Plus he doesn’t want you to have access to it! So he can’t leave it at home, but now that you know you are paying attention to his whereabouts he can’t bring it with him either. (I suppose he could leave it in the safe at the hotel if it has one). 

He could be pretending to play a game (it’s sound on in the background while he messages her from iMessage on his iPad.) Heck even Gmail and Yahoo have chatting as part of them don’t they? Facebook, Instagram...Words with friends...everything!!! I tried a Yahtzee app once and the other person started flirting! Our day and age is a cheaters buffet.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Does the game he plays have a chat feature? That may be the real reason he likes playing it. He wouldn't need it when travelling, because instead of chatting through the game, he is talking face to face.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

wilson said:


> Find his car at the airport and get the ipad while he's traveling. That will give you plenty of time to look through it.


I like this idea.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lillee said:


> It has been a rough couple of weeks of vacillating whether to go all in with VAR. I decided not to and I regret it. He is still behaving suspiciously. I have seen conversations about PI's. How do you find a reputable one? I am going to go through with checking on him when he travels for the next few week and I don't know where to start. Help please


What I would do, is look up investigators online that are in the city where he is traveling/staying. Look for places that have been in business a while, and pick your favorites. Then call all your favs, and see what vibe you get from them.

Law offices work with PI's regularly, but each one is going to use someone different. But if you call and ask them if there are any PI's in the city you should avoid, as well as their preferred choice, that would be useful information.

But don't stress out about the choice between investigators too much. There's no way to be sure which one is the best.

Also note, that if you pay with your credit card, which I would assume you are, it will show up on your credit card statement. Or if your CC company flags it, they may even contact you about a suspicious charge. So just be mindful. Perhaps change the "suspicious activity" contact number on the account to your cell/email, so he doesn't get alerted to the fact that you have eyes on him.

Some investigation agencies may even have a "cloaked" credit card statement name. Rather than saying "XYZ Private Investigations" it'll say "ZYX, Inc." Or something else non-descript. So you could ask about that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lillee said:


> He isn’t forgetting it because he packs his backpack with all his electronics so he is purposely taking it out when he gets to the airport.


I agree with the other poster. Go to the airport and get the ipad out of his car. Even if you can't get in it, if it's password protected, you can ask him when he gets home why he left it.


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