# Men having issues with their Mother



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I read somewhere that most men treat their wives like they treated their mothers.

So if your H hated or didn't have a good relationship with their Mother, do you think that influenced their relationship with you during your marriage?

Anyone have any experience with this?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My MIL is a martyr who whined about the fact that she was home saddled with 3 kids while her husband worked long hours to keep her happy ass at home. He never changed a diaper or helped in anyway. But before you feel sorry for her I should mention she didn't marry for love she married just to have kids and she moved to a separate bedroom shortly thereafter. Can't blame the guy for not being all motivated to help with child rearing. She just treated him like a sperm donor and financial backer so he acted like one.

That caused my husband (her only son) to grow up being passive towards me. He's constantly trying to make it up to her through me but I'm not her. He wants to make "mommy" happy but good grief I'm not his mom. And technically my personality is more like his dad's so that further complicates this dynamic.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Clinging said:


> Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I read somewhere that most men treat their wives like they treated their mothers.
> 
> So if your H hated or didn't have a good relationship with their Mother, do you think that influenced their relationship with you during your marriage?
> 
> Anyone have any experience with this?


I think this applied more before modern times. My mother was ambivalent towards us. A common result of exasperation was for her to just abandon me, leaving me with my dad (who didn't want us to be there), or even social services when I was seven. Even though I lived with her most of the time, I don't recall more than a dozen or so words she ever said if she wasn't arguing.

My babysitter from about nine upwards was usually a stiff vodka in fruit juice.

I really tried to stay connected with my wife, even though friends said that I was being taken advantage of. It took quite a few years before she overcame some of the anger issues tied in with her bipolar condition.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have a lot of experience with this. My H has a terrible relationship with his mom, and brother, and it has impacted our relationship. I didn't realize how much so until recently. 

Aside from the obvious communication barriers there is also the emotional withdrawal from the marriage. He puts so much energy and thought into the fights, and in solving the fights with his mom, that he doesnt spend much energy on the marriage. I didnt realize this until recently. If he and I get in a fight then it is overwhelming for him since all of these other issues with his family are draining him emotionally. He cant handle it and it makes him really depressed.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Some of the other responses bring up a salient point, in my opinion. In the absence of a healthy relationship, how does the guy relate to others?

I was very close to my grandmother, who tried to fill the gaps of my mother's absence. As a teen, since my mother was away most of the time, I did the cooking and cleaning, trying to keep some semblance of family together. Now that my mother is so different, I handle her legal and financial issues with the retirement. There's just never been any angry back and forth arguments between us. The thing that really moved my wife was my relationship with her mother. Of course, it annoyed her to no end that her mom took my side whenever we differed.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A person's character is basically formed by age 4 and mothers tend to have the greatest influence in those first 4 years. Most of us understand marital relationships in terms of what we learned from our parents. I had less contact with a mom than most kids, but to this day, I treat women about the same way I treated my mother and grandmother. If I were a woman, I'd be careful of a guy who hated his mother. If the hate was justified because she was seriously abusive, he may have had a really screwed up childhood and missed some important development steps. If his hate of her was due to relatively minor or common conflicts, it could indicate he has a problem resolving conflicts or extending forgiveness. Of course, being abnormally bonded to one's mother to the extent that he isn't truly independent wouldn't be a great sign, either.


----------

