# Man's opinion



## jlr76 (Jul 16, 2012)

I need a mans opinion about something. My husband told me wanted a divorce a couple of months ago. I did what you are not suppose to do I begged and pleaded for him not to leave. I kept telling him our marriage can be saved. We have been together 10 yrs married almost seven. At first he kept telling me he is done and that he loves me but like his father loved his mother( they were divorced). A couple weeks later he told me he loves but it's different. He is not in love with me. He hardly would say two words to me for a couple of weeks. Well he went out with a friend of ours he had known since he was five. His friend tried to talk some sense into him. He came home the next day and was talking more to me about anything that had nothing to do with our marriage. As the weeks our going by he has been at least talking to me. Yes we had our problems but nothing that would warrant a divorce. I found out he was talking to this girl who says is just a friend(he has never lied to me, brutally honest). Anyway also a couple of weeks ago we both started sleeping in our bed together, it has been a long time. We are also out still having sex. His friend and me think he might be having a midlife crisis. I love this man dearly and want to work this out. I need to know from an outsiders view if he things seem to be going in the right direction. Also totally off subject but when a man stares in your eyes during sex does that mean anything, because my husband does that. I am trying not read into it but someone told that means a man cares and loves you. Also my husband won't kiss me since all this happened. Are faced get very close during sex like he wants but doesn't. Is he waiting for me to kiss him or is he not ready to kiss me? I am so confused by all this. He also made a comment about how people think we are going to fix this in month, that aggravates him. My husband is hard to talk to sometimes that why I wish I was inside of it. That way I know what's going on. He won't go to Counsleor, he says if I can't fix my problems how is a stranger going to fix them. Sorry it's so long and all over the place. That's how my head feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

I would love to give you my opinion as a man, but I am in your same situation, other than that the W is sleeping downstairs on a blow up bed and we sure ain't have sex. When I look into a girls eyes during sex, to me, it means something. But, we are all different so I don't want to give you hope as it could be just what he does. Seems strange to me that he won't kiss but he'll have sex with you, and he still won't kiss during sex. That could be a barrier he has put up and is standing strong to it. Just seems a bit odd to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Excuse me - YOUR problems?!?!? Wow.

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Your husband is having an affair, I guarantee it.

STOP having sex with him and get tested for STD's.

Make him write a No Contact letter to this 'girl' and then make sure he proves to you he's sticking to it.

Put a keylogger on his computer, also start spying on his phone to see what he's up to. Look at who he's calling and texting and when. Look at what he's spending his money on. Get a VAR and put it in his car.

DO NOT IGNORE this. DO NOT let him shift the blame on you, or deny it. You need PROOF though, that's why you need to go into stealth mode. Do not confront him till you have proof. Then, make sure you know what you want - try R if he is remorseful, or D.


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## shivo (Jul 16, 2012)

I dont think your husband is having an affair since you are still are intimate. But you need to figure out what is bothering him. If he was really convinced that your marriage is over, he would presumably have left already. So there is some hope. But clearly there is a lot of work to do. Perhaps you can convince him to take a trip together, be out of your normal situation, and make this a therapeutic trip in which you drill down to your issues. If this is not an option, talking and communication are still the only things that may help you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

shivo said:


> I dont think your husband is having an affair since you are still are intimate. But you need to figure out what is bothering him. If he was really convinced that your marriage is over, he would presumably have left already. So there is some hope. But clearly there is a lot of work to do. Perhaps you can convince him to take a trip together, be out of your normal situation, and make this a therapeutic trip in which you drill down to your issues. If this is not an option, talking and communication are still the only things that may help you.


Lots of people continue to have sex with their spouses while having affairs.


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## ScratchSF (Jul 17, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage challenge. The good news is that if both parties are willing to fight for what they want – to fight for the marriage - then it can be saved in most cases (my opinion). The challenge, however, is that both people have got to want it badly; and your husband has verbalized a desire to end the marriage. Speaking for myself (and not the entire male species), outside of a set of close (mostly) male friends, I wouldn’t' say anything about ending the marriage unless I was already pretty far down that path in my thought process.

Since you can handle brutal honesty: I don't buy his "I love you but I'm not in love with you" [email protected] Why? Because this is one of those phrases I've heard people say when they are sleeping with someone else and the other party haven't yet discovered what's going on. I'm not saying he is; but I am saying your guard should be up – especially since you've implied that you're not sleeping together (or haven't been).

There are two big reasons why people don't use counselors (IMHO); 1) at least one person feels that counselors to work and 2) at least one person has already checked out and doesn't want to be talked out of their decision. Many times people are in #2 and use #1 as the excuse. The reality is that a counselor (which could be a therapist, a good friend or relative who won't mislead you and will mostly listen, a paster, etc, to start with) can help IF both people want to make the marriage work. 

He is right; that after 10 years together, this won't be solved in a few months. It will probably take a year of committed work to rekindle things and find the type of love and communication that bring you back together and give you the retooling you need to continue without the aid of the counselor. But if you believe he's worth it – and he believes you're worth it, then you can make it through. But both have to be committed. It won't work if one person is lukewarm and is taking an "I'll wait and see" attitude. The thing is to realize that you both have something special and you need to rediscover what brought you to say the "L" word initially so many years ago. You marriage will look different than it did 7 years ago; it has to. You are different people. But like a fine red wine that has aged, it can get better with time. And even if the wine has started to turn, you can fix it if you know what to do. (That where the counselor comes in.)

I wish you all the best.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It means something to me to look into her eyes...but I forgot what that's like 

Sorry you're going through this. The other woman is ALWAYS a bad sign.


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