# lost dont know what to do with wife!!!



## beijingazmodan (Jul 18, 2013)

Ok i'll try write as much as i can, as i've never really spoken about this before.

I'm 31 White male, My wife is 30 year old Chinese girl, we have been married for 5 years now, and have a little girl who is 3 years old.

problem lies with sex life... I just feel that my wife does not care or really want to have sex, like yesterday which really upset me. we were having sex, 10min in after i've given her oral and all the rest she says to me " i'm tired lets finish this when we get home" then 3min after that she says when is my friends going to come and she went straight onto her phone..... im not the kind of guy to show face and talk about it. but i've tried everything

i treat her like a queen, spoil her, she complain she is fat, so i helped her loose weight in gym, sunbed buy her what ever she wants.

i've even tried sex toy for her and meds to help her more relaxed. this is really effecting my marrige and she is always going on about how good looking other guys are and how well they are build.

i really dont know what to do anymore any help would be great!!!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hmm,

you tried doing for her and she dosn't apreicate it.

now try doing for you. quit being so conserned with her pleasure and start being conserned with yours. which might end up ending your marriage but it dosn't sound like much of a marriage anyways.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You might want get the book "No More Mr.Nice Guy" sounds to me like you have a baf case of bring to nice and becoming the boormat. A lot of guys do this and unfortunately if you have a wife who is a little on the selfish or self focused shev takes advantage of this and becomes controling. You need to pull way back on the nice guy and focus on you for awhile. Show her what she is missing...make her want you...make her chase you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I suggest you do all the suggestions above plus try to understand her culture a bit. As someone married to an Asian lady myself (the -istan part, not the part with the good food ) I can tell you that many sex hangups are partially attributed to culture.

It won't answer everything but at least you can get a better feel for what is fixable and what is not.


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## beijingazmodan (Jul 18, 2013)

mineforever said:


> You might want get the book "No More Mr.Nice Guy" sounds to me like you have a baf case of bring to nice and becoming the boormat. A lot of guys do this and unfortunately if you have a wife who is a little on the selfish or self focused shev takes advantage of this and becomes controling. You need to pull way back on the nice guy and focus on you for awhile. Show her what she is missing...make her want you...make her chase you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thing is if i show face or stop been a nice guy, she makes me feel so guilty and threatens to leave and go back to china with my daugher all the time. or she says i'm not interested in her i dont think she is sexy. so..... no point really


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## beijingazmodan (Jul 18, 2013)

john117 said:


> I suggest you do all the suggestions above plus try to understand her culture a bit. As someone married to an Asian lady myself (the -istan part, not the part with the good food ) I can tell you that many sex hangups are partially attributed to culture.
> 
> It won't answer everything but at least you can get a better feel for what is fixable and what is not.


i really dont think its a culture thing...... i lived in beijing for 7 years i know loads of chinese and also loads of chinese couples and non of them have this kind of problem


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

You didn't say what part of China she was from. Different parts os China have very different ways. My wife is honky which is very different from Shenzhen for example. They are also very different from Shanghai and also a world away from Beijing.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

beijingazmodan said:


> im not the kind of guy to show face and talk about it. but i've tried everything


Can you elaborate what you mean by this? You've tried everything BUT talking? What do you mean by "showing face"?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

beijingazmodan said:


> thing is if i show face or stop been a nice guy, she makes me feel so guilty and threatens to leave and go back to china with my daugher all the time. or she says i'm not interested in her i dont think she is sexy. so..... no point really


Please stop and read this and look at the advice that was given to you again. Now read between the lines. What? You cannot read that? Is says "Stop being a big pu$$y and a whiner". Your wife does not respect you! 

Get legal counsel now and after you learn your rights that your so called wife not to threaten you again unless she wants to be on her own.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There are two sides to the cultural issue: one, some cultures simply have more sex than others, all things considered. Compare Italy to Japan . What passes for typical in one culture in terms of frequency or quality may be quite different in another.

Second, it's how individuals from one culture adapt to another culture's norms, and whether the adaptation - or lack thereof - causes unexpected stress and strange behaviors. 

I'm not saying culture is all to blame but I have seen my share of mismatches in cross cultural couples, and culture is often one of the reasons. 

Consider for example women who grow up in male dominated societies. When they move to a more neutral environment, if they let their own culture guide them they're back to square 1. If they resented it back then it could well be they'll do the opposite of what the culture prescribed now that they don't have to deal with it, and so on. It takes a bit of work to strike a balance between cultures, especially if the cultures are far apart.

Culture does not excuse behavior, of course; it merely may help explain it.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Well, I've blown up my own marriage, but maybe I can help others...so take my advice with a grain of salt. 

It sounds like your wife has lost her attraction for you. Sex with you now bores her (sorry to sound harsh, but it's from your description of her wanting to 'finish later'). 

Pointing out other men may be her way of telling you she wants you to get in shape, improve your dress/grooming and not cut your toenails in front of her. Are there ways you could improve in this area? Stoke her desire for you again, not by being a doormat who pays for her to be sexy, but by being sexy and aggressive in yourself too. Have you tried asking her straight up what is creating this problem? With luck she may have insights she can share with you...

And she really is manipulating you with threats to leave and take your daughter. Don't stand for that! 

I really wish you the best in recapturing her interest!


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## beijingazmodan (Jul 18, 2013)

Haha you know what mate, i think you 100% spot on!!! i think now that we have moved to a country with alot more white guys, as before we lived in beijing. now what we back in my country. she has more eye candy.

thing is im ripped as it its, work out everyday. so can't be that i honestly just think she has lost interest in me all together, even on that odd occasion that we do have sex. its so bland from her side. then we talk about it, next time she is a little more happy to do it and enjoys it a little more. then 2,3 later back to the same old thing.

so i guess in a nice way all i can say is **** it, i've tried all i can honestly not gonna sit back and wait for her, i'll just have to move on and concern myself with my daughter and spending that extra energy on my little one!!!

really dont know what else i can do with this WOMEN!! she has everyghing and has been given everything in life...

thanks and take care





gumtree said:


> Well, I've blown up my own marriage, but maybe I can help others...so take my advice with a grain of salt.
> 
> It sounds like your wife has lost her attraction for you. Sex with you now bores her (sorry to sound harsh, but it's from your description of her wanting to 'finish later').
> 
> ...


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

You are putting her a top a pedestal.. And this is really a big turn off.. Especially since she is Chinese. Quit trying to please her immediately. Stop all sexual requests including kissing. Gosh any girl will be turned off with what you are doing. Star asking her small favors like "honey could you take the dishes to the sink" slowly upgrade tr requests to massages etc.. Make her work for you.. This way she will feel invested in you. In the mean time you don't do anything for her unless she asks you multiple times.
In her culture the man should be super dominant and the woman should do things like cooking, massages and BJs to please the man not the other way round. In your marriage the male female polarity has switched, this is really bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

beijingazmodan said:


> I'm 31 White male, My wife is 30 year old Chinese *girl*,


You refer to a 30 year old WOMAN as a girl ! Its not a typo my friend, its a mindset. Its how you view her. Not as a potential equal. Explains the need you show in the rest of your post always having the need to do everything for her.

Start getting your head around the fact that just because your a white boy and she is asian that somehow you are superior to her. That would probably go a long way to help with the sexual dysfunction.


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## obmon (Mar 27, 2013)

There are far more men than women in china.

And yet, they have a problem with "leftover women" and a decreasing marriage rate. It seems, Chinese men don't have any incentives to be with the modern Chinese woman.

I wonder why...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I've seen lots and lots of posts like this, from a western husband frustrated with an Asian wife. Seems like the culture produces manipulative, nasty b!tches. Frnkly, it pisses me off because it perpetuates a derogatory attitude about women in general that remains pervasive in male dominated cultures.

So, from a western woman to your wife: "Grow the fvck up! Real women don't manipulate husbands. Real women ask for what they want in conversation form, not in demand form. Real women care about the needs of their husbands as much as they care about their own needs. If you insist upon acting like a spoiled princess, we western women are going to have to take away your vagina so you stop giving the rest of us a bad rap!"


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

dc366 said:


> You are putting her a top a pedestal.. And this is really a big turn off.. Especially since she is Chinese. Quit trying to please her immediately. Stop all sexual requests including kissing. Gosh any girl will be turned off with what you are doing. Star asking her small favors like "honey could you take the dishes to the sink" slowly upgrade tr requests to massages etc.. Make her work for you.. This way she will feel invested in you. In the mean time you don't do anything for her unless she asks you multiple times.
> In her culture the man should be super dominant and the woman should do things like cooking, massages and BJs to please the man not the other way round. In your marriage the male female polarity has switched, this is really bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And here we have it. Thanks for being strait forward enough to voice this BS. 

I am assuming that you live/ lived in China? Know the intimate details of the inner workings of relationships between husbands and wives from China? Are you married to an Asian woman and enjoy her services. 

I thought not. Some men prefer Asian woman for positive reasons. They see them as they would women of their own race, and look for mutually satisfactory relationships.

Some men don't see a human being at all. Don't really understand why Asian women have been singled out as the mythic servile woman. 

I am not Asian however, I know enough to reassure you that if you approached an Asian woman with those expectation, you'd be lucky to get away with one kick to the balls. 

You will never get something for nothing. If you are not prepared to give as much as you get in a relationship, then stay out of the fray.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Catherine, I suggest you marry an Asian spouse - not 2nd generation but from the real thing - like many of us did, deal with the cross culture issues for a couple decades or more, meet enough other people from that part of the world, figure out how they think, then make up your mind as to whether people from such and such culture act different than people from so and so culture.

Different does not mean better or worse, even when cultural norms often collide in interpersonal relationships. But cultural norms are a part of any such relationship, and can rightfully be brought up as a reason for conflict.

The more removed the culture, the more likely the gap will be. When we're young I refused to believe there is much difference between the Asian steppes of Farawaystan and the bustling European metropolis I grew up in, but three decades and two daughters later we often have to argue about things that are basic to any western culture (dating , college) and the like. Especially as the older people get the more some tend to "return to their roots".

If your idea of a different culture is what you see on TV I have news for you. It's a lot harder. It's a lot more rewarding also but it is not as simple as most people think, not by a mile.


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