# Setting up boundaries after being together for 12 years



## MilesAwayFrmU (Apr 5, 2012)

My first post and Im hoping to get response.
This will be long 

History: Ive been married to my H for almost 7 yrs now with a 4yo son. We've been in a relationship for 4 yrs before getting married. The reason for marriage is because I got pregnant (had miscarriage after almost 4 mos of pregnancy). Since he's my first bf at age 23, looking back, I didnt know how to properly handle the relationship at all. I'm the type of gf who goes all over the bf. When my bf sensed this needy part of me, which was just 6 months after starting the relationship, he hasnt made any effort in the relationship at all. I'm the one who always initiates almost everything ie, gifts, sorry eventhough he's the one at fault (bcoz he would sulk and not pay attention on me on a lot of times). He dated a couple of women during our relationship which I found out months later accidentally (we switched phones & the details were saved on my fon and the 2nd one was when i had a peek at his YM).

Now that we're married, the situation hadnt changed much except in the past months that Im slowly starting to see the kind of husband I married and started to feel tired of him. He got his present job thru me after being jobless of more than a year. We're working in the same dept., two seats apart for almost 4 yrs now. He had difficult time finding work as he's having self pity not having a bachelor degree.

After a yr of working together: As he's attracted to one of our colleagues and this colleague, sensing it, tried to flirt with him eventhough Im around. The sad part is, I felt disrespected by this actions at all bcoz he doesn't even try to make an effort to dismiss the flirting in my presence. I even saw him saving a photo of the lady on his mobile and computer. We had a discussion abt that & as usual, Im the one who will say sorry as he would start sulking for days. He can ignore me for weeks and it would go on unless I start saying sorry to him!?! That issue was closed and I maintained the usual office friendship wd the girl. The same type of incident happend wd our neighbor just months ago.

Throughout our relationship and marriage, Ive never heard any plans for our future. I asked him before why it is so and he says it's becoz he doesnt have a stable job. I askd him the same q? now and he still won't answer. He's jobless during my pregnancy with our son (the second one after miscarriage) and he's still having problem with the visa (we're working overseas). I sorted it all out, askng ppl who could lend us, opening multiple credit cards, opening a loan, deciding where to give birth (homecountry/overseas), hospital etc. and whenever I ask him during this time it was all silence or up to you response. Even the simple planning on where to go on weekends, he wouldnt say something. Who will take care of our bb when he had the job? accommodation ? and now that our son will go to school, still I'm not hearing anything from him. Whenever I ask him, it's wherever you chose..

I can see him spending most of his time on fb, playing, flirting maybe, etc. instead of spending his free time trying to enrich his knowledge or looking for another job as I told him several times that I wanted to stay at home once his salary reaches a point where he could afford to keep me and my son with him. (Im currently earning more than him) All throughout, he would just keep silent whenever I try to discuss issues that are worth discussing and eventhough my tone is definitely not a start of argument.

Im looking for another job for more than a year now as being together 24/7 for both is not healthy. Unfortunately, I dont have any success as Im looking for a job that could pay me more than Im getting now as Im worried that there's a big chance he might get fired once I resigned.

We had a big argument months ago that I told him to go out of the house. He stayed in his car for 5 days somewhere & comes home in the evening to play with our son. I gave in after 5 days as I cant stand my son always asking me where daddy is. Our son likes him so much. My H is so playful and attached to our son. I say our son loves him more than me. During the time that he is away, I was surprised with myself that I have the courage to go through all those days without normally being so soft. I did still go to work and he filed for emergency leave that week.

Everything seems normal now. After reading this website for two weeks now, I seemed to know where his attitude came from. That I did not set boundaries from the beginning of the relationship.

Remembering all these gives me pain as I havent really received any apology or sorry my H from the beginning. Now, Im thinking of getting another job to slowly detach myself from him.

Has anyone of you ladies tried to reverse this type of situation after years of being together and had success? Stepping my foot forward now could mean something else to my H other than my purpose of setting boundaries.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Its quite simple youre acting like his mother. Until you stop it dont expect results. I wonder what youre upbringing was like. You have to give him a chance even if he makes mistakes. I suppose he is scared of you what you will say or even do. Try to find something where you leave everything to him without mixing in.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

I agree with accept: You have a parent-child dynamic in your relationship, and it's going to be really difficult to change that. How do I know? Because I'm living the same scenario, also having been together -- well, married 12 years. 

Got married too young; if I were honest, more to escape my family life than in the name of love, and had no clue what I was doing, and certainly wasn't healthy enough to be getting married.

From my childhood, all I knew was that women take care of their men, so that's what I repeated. It's coming back to bite me in the ass now, though, because my husband can't do anything for himself. He makes it to work and that's about it. In fact, I asked him to mail something for me yesterday, priority mail, and he had no clue what to do. I had to write it out for him, step by step. He can't make his own doctor appointments, do his own resume, apply for jobs...nothing. 

Can you change this? Hell if I know. I've been trying for the better part of two years now, after seeking counseling on my own. Because we have other issues, I'm planning on throwing in the towel. But absent those issues -- my H has a personality disorder -- you may be able to make some changes with your H.

Here's what I can tell you from my own experience. Once I decided that I needed therapy (and was mature enough) to deal with my issues, the fact that I needed some boundaries in place in my life -- not just with H, everybody -- became a focus because I had none. Initially, I made sure to pick my battles, knowing it was going to be difficult, and started enforcing "dealbreaker" boundaries first, and have gradually added in less important ones. If anything, it has made my situation worse, because he's rebelling against the changes -- throwing mantrums, disappearing for days/weeks/months on end, engaging in passive-aggressive punishments. It has, quite honestly, driven me crazy and made things ten times worse. 

So I don't know if this can be fixed to where YOU will be happy staying in this marriage. Here's what I've done and what has helped me, though, in identifying the problem, getting healthy for me, et cetera.

First, if you don't already have a therapist, get one. Seriously, it's important. I know, they're expensive. If you don't have insurance, call your community mental health folks and see if you can get an appointment. Most of the time they work on a sliding scale and it's affordable. Therapy is priceless!!

I read the book Women Who Love Too Much. Like I said in another thread, I got more from this book than I did a year in therapy with one particular therapist. This goes to what accept said below about wondering what your childhood was like. Trust me, you'll find it in this book!! It's good stuff. If you do nothing else, read this book. 

Read about the Peter Pan Syndrome. There is limited information online, and there is a book of the same name. There is a corresponding book, The Wendy Dilemma, for us gals that is fabulous, too. 

Figure out what your boundaries are, and start to enforce them, regardless of his reaction. Your boundaries are your boundaries; they are for you, they are not to make him happy. They are not mean, they are healthy. 

Stop doing some of the things you are doing for him and let him be responsible for himself. He's not going to learn any other way. That may mean that he has to face the consequences of not doing anything, or forgetting, but that's life. Trust me, letting him face the consequences will have a much greater impact than all the "telling him" you could ever do. 

Start off small, and put him "in charge" of something, and like accept said, stay out of his way and let him work through it. If he sucks at money, don't put him in charge of bill-paying. Maybe tell him that you'd like to do something as a family on Saturday, could he plan it because you're busy. Even if he screws it up royally, thank him for taking initiative. Build this up into other things. These guys need confidence, and the only way they're going to get it is if WE get the hell out of their way so they can get some tastes of success on their own. I know, I know, we're used to being in charge because they have traditionally done nothing, but that's the very dynamic we're trying to get rid of, here. 

At the end of the day, just remember that you cannot make him care, be ambitious, "get it," step up. Like someone else said, you can't love them into getting it right. Only he can make changes for him. 

All you can control is you. 

Just know that that old adage that one person changing in a relationship can work both ways. In theory, it says if one person is making positive changes, it's almost contagious and the other person "catches it" and jumps on board. BUT it can also go the other way: One person makes changes, the other person hates it, and the marriage breaks down. That's a risk you have to take to get healthy for you and your son. It's a big one, true, but settling and staying in an unhealthy relationship is far, far worse.


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## MilesAwayFrmU (Apr 5, 2012)

nomoretogive said:


> I agree with accept: You have a parent-child dynamic in your relationship, and it's going to be really difficult to change that. How do I know? Because I'm living the same scenario, also having been together -- well, married 12 years.
> 
> Got married too young; if I were honest, more to escape my family life than in the name of love, and had no clue what I was doing, and certainly wasn't healthy enough to be getting married.
> 
> ...


Thanks, it's very informative. Everything makes sense.


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## EliasFaust (Apr 16, 2012)

Its quite simple youre acting like his mother.


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