# Newly Separated and Heartbroken



## livingalone (May 28, 2013)

I am 31 and my husband is 28 and we have been married for 4 years and together for 8 years (no kids yet). We have always had a good relationship and we do everything together, but the majority of our differences lie in our careers and education. I have a graduate degree and a secure, well paying job that I've been at for almost 8 years and my husband does not have a college degree and was laid off from his job as a mechanic one month before our wedding. We both decided when he got laid off that he would go back to school, get his degree and work part-time while I took care of the mortgage and most of the finances. Well, school wasn't everything he thought it would be and he has really struggled with it for the past 3 1/2 years, only taking one or two classes at a time and barely passing. He has threatened to quit school several times but then always changes his mind and says that he knows this is the best thing for his future. Meanwhile, he has been working part-time with the City for the past 2 1/2 years, which is a good place to be if you're part-time, but he is unhappy in his current position and has been very vocal about it. 

Lately, it has been very difficult for me to watch him struggle with both school and work and I've had many doubts over the past 6 months as to whether or not we are really right for each other. When he's angry and overwhelmed, he says that I'm pushing him too hard and trying to turn him into something he's not and that he wishes I would just accept him for who he is, even if it's a trash truck driver. But when things are going well and he's feeling confident, he says that he's happy with the direction his life is going in and that he couldn't do it without me and he knows I'm helping him reach his full potential. I've asked myself many times if I would be okay with him not finishing school and just working part-time or even full-time as a trash truck driver and the answer is, I really don't think so...because I know what he's capable of and I know that he could do so much more with his life if he just put a little bit of effort into it. We have both been on an emotional roller coaster with this and I have tried to be supportive and patient with him during this process, but it's hard to stay optimistic when he's always complaining about how hard school is and how unhappy he is with his job situation. 

Another layer to this complicated relationship is that my husband is a drinker and has been hiding his drinking from me for quite some time. This is really the breaking point for me because I grew up with a severely alcoholic father who tore our family apart with his drinking and finally drank himself to death at the age of 65. I spent my whole life trying to get away and ended up moving away from home at the age of 19 and supporting myself all the way through college just to get away from him. I promised myself that I would never end up with someone who had the same problem, so I am devastated to learn that my husband is starting to go down a similar path. 

My husband is very aware of my family history and agreed early on in our relationship to keep his drinking to the weekends because he knew about the fears I have about drinking everyday and that it could potentially lead to alcoholism. We usually both drink on the weekends and have a good time going out to happy hour and dinners with friends, but I have always been able to avoid drinking during the week and I thought he did too. A few years ago I started catching him with beer on his breath occasionally during the week and when I would confront him about it he would deny it at first, but I would search through the trash and find empty beer bottles and he would eventually fess up to drinking. This happened many times over the first couple years of our marriage and after several big fights, I finally told him that I'm okay with him drinking occasionally during the week but asked him to please stop hiding it from me. Even though he sometimes drinks in front of me now during the week, I recently found out that he is still hiding it from me and is now going to great lengths to keep it a secret. 

Over the past month, I have caught him elaborately trying to hide his drinking on 3 different occasions. The first time was when I was on my way home from work and I saw his motorcycle at the park by our house when he was supposed to be at school. I got out of my car and found him hanging out at the park drinking a very large beer. He said that school got out early and he wanted to have a drink and look at the view from the park before he came home. I let it go that time because I knew he was having a rough time at work. The next week, I came home after work and noticed that he had a buzzed look on his face and tasted like beer when I kissed him. When I asked him if he drank, he said he had one beer. I asked him where the beer can was and he showed me that he hid it in his tool box in the garage. Who does that?!! It seemed like alcoholic behavior to me. We had a huge fight and I told him I couldn't live like this and didn't trust him anymore and asked him to leave. We ended up working it out the next day and he promised that he wouldn't hide it from me anymore, and I actually believed him! Two weeks later, which was this past Wednesday, my husband got home from school at the same time I got home from work and I noticed that he had a buzzed look on his face again. He immediately ran upstairs to change and when I followed him upstairs I caught him rinsing his mouth out with mouthwash. When I asked him if he had drank, he said that he had a beer before he went to school. I decided to press the issue this time and asked if he stopped and got anymore beers on his way to or from school. He repeatedly said no but when I pressed the issue, he admitted that he got another beer on his way to school and drank it in the bathroom when he got to school. I was floored! It became so clear to me at that point that his drinking was much worse than I thought and I knew right then that I was done. I left the next morning for an overnight work conference and when I got back to town the following day, I went straight to a friends house and called him and told him that this was the final straw and I needed him to leave. He agreed to move out but was just as devastated about it as I was. I stayed at my friends house through the weekend and came home to an empty house yesterday. 

I am completely heartbroken! He is my life and my family but I know deep down in my heart that I made the right decision. He is not in a good place right now and I can't keep forcing him down the path that I think is best for him. I watched my mom put my dad through alcohol dependency programs 20+ times with no success and I can't go down that same path with my husband. I pray with all my heart that he is able to get his life together and get his drinking under control but I think it is something that he has to try and do on his own. I have no intentions of filing for divorce or dating anyone else anytime soon, I'm just trying to learn how to be myself again and figure out if I want to keep working on our relationship while we're apart or just accept the fact that we're too different and break it off now while we're still young and have a chance to move on with our lives.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Does he booze when life is up for him? Right now he probably feels emasculated and goes to the bottle for solace.

You have more going for you than he does for him so expect him to have those emotions. You believe he can do better and I don't blame you for wanting your husband to strive. However, its a fine line between wanting the best for him and coming off as controlling. 

I can relate my experience to your situation. I was the one who had a good job and education and my wife was a classic underachiever. I pushed her to better herself. I did whatever I could do to also help her career. And you know what? She really made something of herself in the profession that she chose. And you know what else? She resented me for part of it and called me controlling.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you seriously need a 'sit down'. most of us dudes drink to pass boredom or hide the pain. he feels he would never measure up to your standards. when is the last time you complimented him on something "guyish"? I'm not saying this is your fault at all. I'm assuming if this could be fixed, you would want it to


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## livingalone (May 28, 2013)

Alpha and Chuck71 - thank you for reading and for your feedback. In response to your questions, yes, he does still drink when things are going well for him (sometimes too much) but he usually drinks out in the open in social situations or when we're at home together. As far as I know, he only drinks behind my back when he's depressed or overwhelmed. 

Chuck71 - I try to compliment as much as I can when he does well at school/work or when he does something around the house. He is a very talented mechanic/handyman/carpenter (I could go on and on) and practically remodeled our entire house by himself. I am always amazed at the things he can fix and build and I tell him all the time how talented he is.

I agree that I can come off as controlling and I am really trying to work on that, but it's so hard to let go when he seems to have no direction or drive. I just want him to choose a path and stick with it because I know that if he works hard and doesn't give up then eventually everything will fall into place with his career. But it seems like he's sabotaging himself right now and it scares the heck out of me that we will never have a future together if he keeps up with this behavior.

Tomorrow will be a week since we've seen each other and we made plans to have dinner after work. He really wants to come home and in my heart I want him to come home too, but in my head I think that we have to be apart right now to work on our issues because I'm afraid of falling right back into the same cycle of him lying about his drinking and me spying to find out the truth and I just can't live like that anymore. I made an appointment for us to start seeing a marriage counselor next week so I'm hopeful that will help us get all of our issues with each other out in the open so we can try and resolve them.

This forum has been really therapeutic for me to just vent and get all of my thoughts out in the open, especially since I'm here in our house alone and I tend to bottle up all of my feelings and not reach out to friends or family for solace and advice. I really appreciate the feedback I've gotten so far, especially from a male point of view, and welcome any other thoughts about my situation.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Rugsweeping is what got you here. That needs to stop. It seems your communication is broken down. A MC is a good step. Most marriages can be saved, IF and only IF, both parties wish it to work. It sounds as if you two are at extremes now, either fall back into the same pattern (and within six months.....be posting here again) or you will get into a cuss fight. As you can see....neither way works.

Address the problems.........set boundaries.........begin to work on these problems. MC is a good way to start, IC for each of you would be helpful too. Get a MC / IC who challenges you and him, NOT one who is there to collect co-pays. Most wait and post here when it is beyond repair, yours looks salvageable. I hate seeing couples break up, especially after mine was around the first of the year.

I could go on....but see what others have to say. Viewpionts will vary, that is what TAM is good for.


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