# Porn use ..dont get it



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

If anyone is familiar with ny threads....then u have some background. 

I need some insight cause i just dont get it 

My husband as abused porn use. I have explained to him that it hurts me and that it as shattered me. We are working through are sexless/ sex straved marriage cause i had enough. I asked him to take a break from it and to come to me. If he wants to masturbate...fine just use your imagination 

The sex as been good and intiated by both of us so feeling great. But while using his tablet he had an app that he recently downloaded to cast to the large tv and there it was 11 xrated videos. We just had this conversatiin less than two weeks agoe and we have At least 5 days a week sex so why was there a need 

PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME CAUSE I DONT GET iT!

Why lie and just why?

Only explaintation is it was for us and his fanastices..what the [email protected] does that mean. 

I am digusted and dont even want to have sex with him. Especially when i am so good to him and am willing ti do anything.why do something thatvhe knows hurt 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I know that I would object to being dictated to.....However I could perform sexually several times a day, and have sex 1 times a month if lucky....So how I take up all that slack is my business....My imagination works fine, but once in a while some other input is nice too...


----------



## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

His fantasies means you aren't doing something that he likes. It's nice to have sex 4-5x a week but are you doing or refused to do something that he likes ? 

Or he could just have a major problem....


----------



## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

Angel82 said:


> We are working through are sexless/ sex straved marriage...
> 
> ....we have At least 5 days a week sex...


uh, I think you've worked your way through a sex-starved marriage just fine.

The truth is men look at porn. You can continue to let it bother you or you can accept that your this man's wife and not his mother and be grateful for the 5 days a week when you and your loving husband come together as one. 

[snarky]And how wonderful you'll allow him to masturbate if he only uses his imagination. Perhaps he's fantasizing about a woman who doesn't feel she has the right to police his thoughts as well as his private actions. [/snarky]


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

While I don't understand why people watch porn often.... as opposed to a freak thing.... I don't understand a lot of things in life. Like atheists, or extremely religious people, or Goths, or why people eat asparagus. There are lots of things I understand. But if they don't screw up MY life, I'm okay with live and let live. 

My H watches a lot of porn. I don't care. I don't watch cuz it really doesn't do it for me to see others having sex. It's FEELING the sex that does it for me!  Our sex life is awesome, so whatever....

So as long as you are getting what you need....what does it matter? 

Unless you are NOT getting what you need?

Some say, maybe you are not giving him the things he fantasizes about.... but then, what if it's like "Asian teens" or something like that. Nothing you can do. Could be better, could be worse. 

Figure out what exactly you need, then discuss THAT. As well as what HE needs. Find a way to give each other what you both want????


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> If anyone is familiar with ny threads....then u have some background.
> 
> I need some insight cause i just dont get it
> 
> ...


His porn use in combination with not wanting sex sounds like addiction. But you say you're disgusted and don't even want sex with him which is important. Who doesn't want sex here, him or you?


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Been there, you have worded your feelings well and I do understand. You'll find men here will understand our husband but our brains aren't wired the same so good luck understanding. There is nothing wrong with you and your thought process. Can we convince our husbands? I have learned to live my own life!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@Angel82 *DO NOT THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS!!!*

hmmm OK, here let me check your brain log and make sure you listened to me and see what you just thought about...


{
return *PINK ELEPHANTS*;
}


Seriously @Angel82 

Stop it!


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Angel,

I don't like ultimatums, but....

ultimatum time.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your husband is struggling to deal with shame and vulnerability. He is not continuing to look at porn to hurt you, it is because he has not learned how to deal with his issues any other way.

If he masturbates, and you want him to do so WITHOUT porn... *participate in his self exploration* perhaps by buying him a jar of coconut oil and asking him to experiment with how it feels on himself and to imagine using as much of it as he wants with you. This will let him know that you love him and that his self exploration can actually be used to reinforce and strengthen your bonds to one another.

I can give yo more ideas if you want?

Badsanta


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> His porn use in combination with not wanting sex sounds like addiction. But you say you're disgusted and don't even want sex with him which is important. Who doesn't want sex here, him or you?


This. It sounds like an addiction. I know for most a subject such as porn sounds like it should just be easy to turn away from, but as with any addiction it is just not that easy. Has he explained to you exactly why it is so hard for him to remove porn from his life?


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

[snarky]And how wonderful you'll allow him to masturbate if he only uses his imagination. Perhaps he's fantasizing about a woman who doesn't feel she has the right to police his thoughts as well as his private actions. [/snarky][/QUOTE]



Woodchuck said:


> I know that I would object to being dictated to.....However I could perform sexually several times a day, and have sex 1 times a month if lucky....So how I take up all that slack is my business....My imagination works fine, but once in a while some other input is nice too...


All I asked was to take a break from it which was 10 days ago because his porn use is excessive. I am not trying to dictate his use but asking him to stop using these types of videos which have in the past have affected our marriage and our relationship. I understand that you dont understand my view and i am not against porn use when used in a healthy fashion to relieve sexual desires. I do have a problem when ot affects our relationship. 

To be honest i wouldnt be upset if it was 2 or 3 videos but it was 11 so pretty excessive if we are having sex everyday with no more than 1-2 days inbetween.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Husband sounds like an addict. I do not feel she is asking too.much. To me she is asking him to tone it down. I think that is very reasonable. But he sounds like he has an issue. Toning it down might not be possible without help.


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

D1C said:


> His fantasies means you aren't doing something that he likes. It's nice to have sex 4-5x a week but are you doing or refused to do something that he likes ?
> 
> Or he could just have a major problem....


He does not commuicate his fanastices and i have tried and i also changes things up and i go with wherever he wants. Theres a new position he likes right now...i let him lead what he wants.

Not to be graphic....plain vanilla sex 4-5 times a week is not whats happening here or a least is not what i think is. SEX to me can be interpreted as an orgasm and achieved through many methods may it be through PIV, oral, manual simulation, toys even anal. That is what our sex life is not plain. So if this is boring then noy much else i can do if he doesn't provide me to his inner needs

Am am a willing partner and i look up new things and i am creative. I dint think he even know what he wants or how to get in touch with that. For instance lingrie for years he said he doesnt care for it and doesnt see a point. I started wearing it and he i like to and make me feel sexy and he loves it anf me wearing it. 

My focus as always been for him and him making me feel inadequate or undesires when he needs porn so frequently.

Be honest how often to you use porn in a week when having sex 5 days a week?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

intheory said:


> Well, as you can see Angel. You're not going to get much sympathy here.
> 
> You are accused of being dictatorial.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your compassionI feel that i have been working on his needs more thab my own. He had an issue when i bought a vibrator which i only bought for the purpose to satisfy hd which i promied to only use when i am turned down or part of of our sex life. I am trying to work on self esteem issues and have joined a gym to help me. 

Again i just dont get it. If he would rather have sex with himself then with me instead of a real women than why be married at all. Maybe i souldny be worried pleasing him so much. I see these threads all the time that i wish my wife would do this or that. I am already doing this or that so i am at a lost. 

Not against porn when used in a health fashion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> His porn use in combination with not wanting sex sounds like addiction. But you say you're disgusted and don't even want sex with him which is important. Who doesn't want sex here, him or you?


I dont want to have sex which to me is one sided when he gets all focus on him and bearly on me. That fact that he needs so much porn while getting so much from and that it just kills my self esteem is driving me away from our bedroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Your husband is struggling to deal with shame and vulnerability. He is not continuing to look at porn to hurt you, it is because he has not learned how to deal with his issues any other way.
> 
> If he masturbates, and you want him to do so WITHOUT porn... *participate in his self exploration* perhaps by buying him a jar of coconut oil and asking him to experiment with how it feels on himself and to imagine using as much of it as he wants with you. This will let him know that you love him and that his self exploration can actually be used to reinforce and strengthen your bonds to one another.
> 
> ...


As we have already had some conversations regarding this. I have taken some your advise and understand your points here. I got him one pf those tenga eggs for him and said it was here if needed but instead he as used porn and did not parcipate it with me. I would love some more insight how his porn use will not interfere with our sex life as it as in the past. He could have told me and wxplained ot instead of hiding it. Espcially when he knows it as hurt uss
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

intheory said:


> OR,
> 
> He really enjoys having his own private world where he can deliberately exclude his wife.
> 
> ...



This sounds like exactly what my wife would think of me and what a "female perspective" on men viewing porn might be.

My favorite porn to watch was a video an which the couple were sincerely aroused and enjoying themselves. Very rare to find, and most would be of very mature couples that were likely a little overweight, did not look that attractive, but REALLY KNEW HOW TO PUSH EACH OTHER BEYOND THE POINT OF ANYONE ELSE. It was the intense arousal combined with a loving scenario that got my attention. 

Badsanta


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I think porn for men fills a primative biological need. Before monogamy, men would fvck every women he could get his hands on to spread the seed and ensure successful reproduction. That urge to fvck different women is still there in men but supressed now by societal rules. Porn is the outlet. He can fantasize about fvcking any type of girl he wants and stay faithful to you.

To put in perspective you may relate more too. It's not different then women who are attracted to the bad boy or alpha men. Another primitive remant to ensure successful reproduction as the alphas were the most likely to have the best genes by being bigger, stronger, etc. This often didn't bod well for the betas who were sought out later on to raise the offspring.

Not sure if it was mentioned but have you considered incorporating the porn into your sex life? Maybe watch it together and role play some scenes? Could be a win win for you as after a time he will associate the porn with you and start to fantasize about you performing some of those sexual acts.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If it was about primitive needs, women would be ditching men every time someone stronger and more successful came along, however we are able to remain faithful, and I don't think it's too much to ask that men not watch porn. Particularly when porn is such a destructive force in your marriage. 

A husband should care about how his wife feels, it's nothing to do with controlling him, it's about reasonable healthy boundaries for you both. It is reasonable to expect your spouse to not engage in things that detract from your sex life and impact it in a negative way. Be that having a spouse who drinks too much or one that can't leave the porn alone. 

Porn has become a huge issue in marriages and many marraige counsellors say it's one of the biggest issues couples face. This is because porn is so readily available and it has massive consequences on the way the brain works and in turn how the men that use it often view their spouses and some cannot get off without looking at or thinking about porn. 

The suggestion that you participate in watching porn with him, is ridiculous. You should not have to put up with this just because society has normalised porn. 

It should be seen as normal to have a husband that desires you, can focus on you and your emotional and sexual needs and cares about your feelings. That should be a given in a marriage.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> It should be seen as normal to have a husband that desires you, can focus on you and your emotional and sexual needs and cares about your feelings. That should be a given in a marriage.


Very true, but if this is in fact an addiction you can throw this out the window without help. He may not want to hurt her, but as with any addiction it cant just be shut off. It sounds like he needs to go see a sex therapist to figure out why he cant turn away from porn.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> All I asked was to take a break from it which was 10 days ago because his porn use is excessive. I am not trying to dictate his use but asking him to stop using these types of videos which have in the past have affected our marriage and our relationship. I understand that you dont understand my view and i am not against porn use when used in a healthy fashion to relieve sexual desires. I do have a problem when ot affects our relationship.
> 
> To be honest i wouldnt be upset if it was 2 or 3 videos but it was 11 so pretty excessive if we are having sex everyday with no more than 1-2 days inbetween.


That's really not too much to ask for Angel82. You sound reasonable and not dictatorial to me. When something like this takes away from the relationship and the other person won't meet you half way then you're stuck having to set hard boundaries where you're stance is "try and put effort with me or don't be with me and I'll find someone who will". Anything less than effort is just hard to stomach. So what if he has an addiction? He still has to put forth effort which starts with admitting he's got a problem and then agreeing to short periods of time. But maybe it's not an addiction at all. Could be that he's a d!ck and does whatever he wants to because he feels like it. Or maybe he's disconnected from the relationship for some other reason. The bottom line though is that you've asked for something very reasonable and something we would all expect our spouses to do if we were in your shoes.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> I dont want to have sex which to me is one sided when he gets all focus on him and bearly on me. That fact that he needs so much porn while getting so much from and that it just kills my self esteem is driving me away from our bedroom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for clarifying. From your other comment, you've already done what I would have suggested which is to tell him his porn use is hurting the marriage and ask him to make an effort for you to stop watching porn for a little while and see how things change. I'm not sure of any nice avenues of dealing with this if he won't even do that.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> [snarky]And how wonderful you'll allow him to masturbate if he only uses his imagination. Perhaps he's fantasizing about a woman who doesn't feel she has the right to police his thoughts as well as his private actions. [/snarky]




All I asked was to take a break from it which was 10 days ago because his porn use is excessive. I am not trying to dictate his use but asking him to stop using these types of videos which have in the past have affected our marriage and our relationship. I understand that you dont understand my view and i am not against porn use when used in a healthy fashion to relieve sexual desires. I do have a problem when ot affects our relationship. 

To be honest i wouldnt be upset if it was 2 or 3 videos but it was 11 so pretty excessive if we are having sex everyday with no more than 1-2 days inbetween.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Don't quit, just stop....No dictating there....


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> As we have already had some conversations regarding this. I have taken some your advise and understand your points here. I got him one pf those tenga eggs for him and said it was here if needed but instead he as used porn and did not parcipate it with me. I would love some more insight how his porn use will not interfere with our sex life as it as in the past. He could have told me and wxplained ot instead of hiding it. Espcially when he knows it as hurt uss
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you got him some tenga eggs and have tried to be supporting, you do sound like a very loving and caring wife. 

Men are creatures of habit when it comes to sexuality and if he has established a pattern of behavior with porn and withdrawing from you, it will not be easy for him to break the cycle. 

What you probably should do is the next time the two of you are in a situation where you can talk, sit down and go through some porn together. Not for the purpose of watching it, but for the purpose of talking about it together. Show your husband things that are OK and things that are NOT OK, and most importantly *why* things are OK or NOT OK with you. 

One of my wife's biggest fears were all the advertisements of adult dating sites and various services to hire someone for private shows online. She equated that to prostitution and rightfully so, because that is how it is cleverly intermingled with pornography. She actually once told me that she would feel better if I just kept magazines/DVDs in the house, as those did not have any threat of interaction in real time with female sex workers while I would use them. Then she went into great detail of how porn made her feel in general and why certain things I did were hurtful to her. But at the same time she demonstrated her love and patience with me by letting me know what things were OK with her. 

*From my perspective it was not about her trying to control me or anything, it was about her saying, "hey this hurts me, please try to be mindful!" *

The one moment she blew up and almost did not speak to me for a week was after she looked on my computer and saw an advertisement for dating sexy women in our city. Turns out at that time I was only watching a link to a bizarre video of a helicopter crash on compfused.com (now a defunct site) that one of my coworkers had emailed to me. Once I finally got my wife to show me what had her so upset, I was able to find the email and explain to her why I visited that page. 

So you are within your rights to get upset and be worried/hurt about things, but you have to also make it a point to communicate those things to him, and do not hesitate to put him on the spot and ask him to begin explaining something from his point of view. Perhaps it will not be what you want to hear, but improving communication and helping him be mindful not to hurt you is the key to moving forwards.

Now on a separate topic if you want to try and use porn to improve your intimacy, you may want to have a chat with @peacem She is just now venturing down that path with her husband after struggling from being hurt by his porn use. So she may be able to give you some healthy female insight on dealing with your husband's behavior and overcoming fears and self confidence issues associated with this scenario. 

I think anonpink once mentioned in videos she watched from a female perspective, that when she looked at porn that the idea of the male actors actually being a threat to her husband made her laugh. So sometimes you have to try looking at things form the opposite perspective for a reality check.

Regards,
Badsanta


----------



## C22r (Oct 20, 2015)

Have you explored what turns you on out of the bedroom? Sounds odd, but a book (not full of sex, but a really good story, with the odd well written sex scene) can be so much more of a turn on (for me anyway). 

I don't like porn and appreciate how this could be making you feel. I don't think the ultimatum suggestion is healthy, but do think you need to have a gut wrenching chat about things without being demanding. 

And if you do find a passage in a book, or a song or anything - share it with him. Tell him how it makes you feel or think about. 

Good luck. Xxx


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> If you got him some tenga eggs and have tried to be supporting, you do sound like a very loving and caring wife.
> 
> Men are creatures of habit when it comes to sexuality and if he has established a pattern of behavior with porn and withdrawing from you, it will not be easy for him to break the cycle.
> 
> ...


Fear if interaction???? I think most guys watch porn because they DONT want to interact with a woman/women......It is quiet....


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I really dislike this entitlement attitude of well porn is what men do so deal with it.

You're part of a couple so how your actions affect your wife should be a concern. 

I'm sure most guys would love the idea of their wives getting off to c0cks much bigger then theirs on a regular basis.

Maybe I'll start masturbating regularly while watching huge c0ck porn without my hb and when he objects I'll inform him that this is what women do so suck it up. I'm sure if he's still getting sex he won't mind all the huge c0cks I watch on a regular basis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> Fear if interaction???? I think most guys watch porn because they DONT want to interact with a woman/women......It is quiet....


This would be a question about her understanding *why she* has problems. 

As for men watching porn, fear of interacting with a woman/women is not necessarily the primary reason. Porn generally falls under the "low risk/high reward" type of behavior that is hard to stop. And it may also offer opportunities to morbidly explore curious topics that would otherwise be impossible to learn about otherwise, such as seeing if John Wayne Bobbit could still really have sex after what happened to him.










My point being, if there is anyone on this planet that should have a fear of interacting with a woman/women, it would probably be John Bobbit. Well perhaps he was hurt and needed to turn to porn as his only way to feel accepted again by society. I don't know...

Badsanta


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> If anyone is familiar with ny threads....then u have some background.
> 
> I need some insight cause i just dont get it
> 
> ...



The only reason I view porn is to relieve myself because Mrs.CuddleBug is a LD conservative woman. She can have sex 1x month and that's okay in her books. Of course I'm sexually starved and going stir crazy, so I view porn and relieve myself. I'd rather have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug and view zero porn but you can't have it both ways.

I don't know if this is your situation, so if I made a mistake, my mistake.

If you have a high healthy HD adventurous sex drive, want sex with your man 3 to 4x every week, taking care of his main love language need, physical and sexual, then he has issues and needs addiction help.

Just an idea. Could you spice it up?

Toys?

Cosplay?

What are his fantasies?

Do this with him as total surprises. Maybe this weans him off the porn altogether because you're doing this with him?

You're having sex with him 5x week? WOW. Ideal woman.

Is it more conservative sex?

Or fun, wild and adventurous sex? Like he views?

What does he view?


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I really dislike this entitlement attitude of well porn is what men do so deal with it.
> 
> You're part of a couple so how your actions affect your wife should be a concern.
> 
> ...


Of course, men are entitled to nothing....Women are entitled to CONTROL...As nature meant...


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

peacem said:


> I understand and I think some of the comments are harsh considering the context. If I remember right you were in a sexless marriage where your H chose porn over sex with you. The right thing for him to do at this stage is to drop the porn and maybe even masturbation outside sex with you in order for you to get back to basics where he can rewire his brain into enjoying marital sex again, as opposed to it being entirely a solo act. There is nothing wrong with him masturbating, in fact I am a big supporter of it, but for the time being it would be advisable for him to put his sexual energies into rebuilding your relationship. And no you cannot demand this - it has to be something he chooses to do - otherwise it will not work. It is like a sexual detox.
> 
> When you are on firmer ground and things are good between you he may want to reintroduce some porn and masturbation when you are not available or needs some private time. As long as this does not interfere with your relationship this could be a possibility. I am not an expert and this is just my opinion but it worked for us. But your H has to make this decision. You cannot do it for him.
> 
> ...


Thats the thing...i told him not to lie. All i said was take a break and focus on us and yes its not affected our relationship at this present time but guess what history repeats itself. but to the pure fact he lied and agreed a break was needed. Now i have no trust and now he is just going to hide it. he should explain it and why he needs it but he didnt. His response he wa afraid how i would react...well i am reacting becuase he lied about it. I am a reasonable women but he lied about taking a break because it hurt me. I dont even want to have sex with him because all i am going to be thinking about is that he is thinking of someone else. That he couldnt love me enough to put it aside for a while.i am furious anf not giving him the time of day cause he really doesnt deserve a woman. I wish him luck finding a women who will put as much effort i have towards him. He is over weight, missing a tooth and is horrible with his hygiene and needs a haircut but i love him and put all these things aside to love him and be attracted to him but he cant put aside porn and find the attraction with me only for a little bit. So again i wish him luck cause i have had enough


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Of course, men are entitled to nothing....Women are entitled to CONTROL...As nature meant...


Very one sided and narrow interpretation of what I wrote. I suggested my hb might not like it if I jacked off to huge c0cks all the time, and that's a problem because he's my hb and what bothers him matters to me. 

Believe it or not I don't have a big issue with some porn, and if as a couple you've negotiated something by all means knock yourself out. 

I'm suggesting that it is not productive declare that men or women do X so deal with it
If it matters to your spouse it should matter to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> A husband should care about how his wife feels, it's nothing to do with controlling him, it's about reasonable healthy boundaries for you both. It is reasonable to expect your spouse to not engage in things that detract from your sex life and impact it in a negative way. Be that having a spouse who drinks too much or one that can't leave the porn alone.
> e.[/QUOTE
> 
> Thats what i was going for healthy boundries and he knows this but violated my trust in him and me feeling safe and secure in our relationship because of the past. He as disregard me and my feelings like they dont matter


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> That's really not too much to ask for Angel82. You sound reasonable and not dictatorial to me. When something like this takes away from the relationship and the other person won't meet you half way then you're stuck having to set hard boundaries where you're stance is "try and put effort with me or don't be with me and I'll find someone who will". Anything less than effort is just hard to stomach. So what if he has an addiction? He still has to put forth effort which starts with admitting he's got a problem and then agreeing to short periods of time. But maybe it's not an addiction at all. Could be that he's a d!ck and does whatever he wants to because he feels like it. Or maybe he's disconnected from the relationship for some other reason. The bottom line though is that you've asked for something very reasonable and something we would all expect our spouses to do if we were in your shoes.


Effort....exactly there is no effort on his part. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. I feel bad thr other day when i couldnt get off when he went down on me...something we only recently engaged in after only 5 yrs of marriage.


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Angel,
> 
> I don't like ultimatums, but....
> 
> ultimatum time.


It was already at this point...and now its done....MC for the sake of the kids but i am not going in with an open mind cause i already done


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> The only reason I view porn is to relieve myself because Mrs.CuddleBug is a LD conservative woman. She can have sex 1x month and that's okay in her books. Of course I'm sexually starved and going stir crazy, so I view porn and relieve myself. I'd rather have sex with Mrs.CuddleBug and view zero porn but you can't have it both ways.
> 
> I don't know if this is your situation, so if I made a mistake, my mistake.
> 
> ...


Been there and done and more things than you listed. I guess i am an ideal women for anyone but my husband so i wish him luck finding someone who will do all the things i do for him. Maybe my second husband will appreciate me more than my husband has.


Angel82 said:


> He does not commuicate his fanastices and i have tried and i also changes things up and i go with wherever he wants. Theres a new position he likes right now...i let him lead what he wants.
> 
> Not to be graphic....plain vanilla sex 4-5 times a week is not whats happening here or a least is not what i think is. SEX to me can be interpreted as an orgasm and achieved through many methods may it be through PIV, oral, manual simulation, toys even anal. That is what our sex life is not plain. So if this is boring then noy much else i can do if he doesn't provide me to his inner needs
> 
> ...


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Very one sided and narrow interpretation of what I wrote. I suggested my hb might not like it if I jacked off to huge c0cks all the time, and that's a problem because he's my hb and what bothers him matters to me.
> 
> Believe it or not I don't have a big issue with some porn, and if as a couple you've negotiated something by all means knock yourself out.
> 
> ...


Thats a great point...he lied and disregard me and my feelings


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> Effort....exactly there is no effort on his part. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. I feel bad thr other day when i couldnt get off when he went down on me...something we only recently engaged in after only 5 yrs of marriage.


Don't feel bad Angel. An orgasm isn't the only measure of success so don't don't throw performance anxiety on the pile. As the other issues are worked on then this will likely change and you'll be angry that you guys weren't doing it from day one. My wife and I didn't do that the first few years either but for the life of me I can't imagine why because it's awesome for everyone.


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> Don't feel bad Angel. An orgasm isn't the only measure of success so don't don't throw performance anxiety on the pile. As the other issues are worked on then this will likely change and you'll be angry that you guys weren't doing it from day one. My wife and I didn't do that the first few years either but for the life of me I can't imagine why because it's awesome for everyone.[/QUOTE
> 
> We were doing this beford we were married snd its been one sided for years he always got his Bjs from me but he didnt care much for going down on me. The bjs stopped cause it was one sided. Now he gets it all the time and in 2 months he triedtwice when he gets it everytime. Lucky guy to get it 5 times a week
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> I wish him luck finding a women who will put as much effort i have towards him.


 @Angel82

Don't throw everything away over porn! If you need to take a step back to focus on yourself while you also see if he can earn your respect and trust, that is great. If he shows no need to win you over and earn your respect back, then that is a reason to take a step back, possibly turn the other way, and just keep going. 

I have had some conversations with people advocating for a better understanding on how to deal with porn in a relationship, but usually the husband is fighting on behalf of the marriage to make the situation better by improving trust and communication. If your husband is withdrawing and violating your trust, then indeed he is not giving you anything to work with in order to make things better. 

Don't walk away from someone you love, but DO take some time to focus on yourself. 

Regards,
Badsanta


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Angel82 said:


> We were doing this before we were married and its been one sided for years he always got his Bjs from me but he didnt care much for going down on me. The bjs stopped cause it was one sided. Now he gets it all the time and in 2 months he triedtwice when he gets it everytime. Lucky guy to get it 5 times a week


He keeps sounding more and more self centered and less addicted to porn.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Angel82 said:


> Thundarr said:
> 
> 
> > We were doing this beford we were married snd its been one sided for years he always got his Bjs from me but he didnt care much for going down on me. The bjs stopped cause it was one sided. Now he gets it all the time and in 2 months he triedtwice when he gets it everytime. Lucky guy to get it 5 times a week
> ...


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> He keeps sounding more and more self centered and less addicted to porn.


I totally agree!

Bibi


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angel82 said:


> I dont want to have sex which to me is one sided when he gets all focus on him and bearly on me. That fact that he needs so much porn while getting so much from and that it just kills my self esteem is driving me away from our bedroom.


Can you explain this? What is the sex like that you feel that he's not doing much for you? Is there foreplay? Is there oral on you? Are the sessions pretty short so that it's mostly him just getting himself off?
You say that you are having sex about 5 times a week. Do you want sex more often?

I'm trying to get a better idea of what's going on?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a video that might help you figure out what's going on with him and what to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oFVOJf0TzY

Your husband cannot give up porn because for some people (usually men), it causes the production and uptake of dopamine along the line of other addictions, like cocaine. This is why a person with a drug addiction find it so hard to give up. They get to the point that it's the only way that they can feel good. When they are off the drug they feel like sh!t basically. 

I watched this sort of stuff destroy my ex (2nd husband). And no I'm not exaggerating.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I know that I would object to being dictated to.....However I could perform sexually several times a day, and have sex 1 times a month if lucky....So how I take up all that slack is my business....My imagination works fine, but once in a while some other input is nice too...


As often as once a month, huh, Woodchuck?

Gee. I wonder why people like myself and you might need porn to help them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Can you explain this? What is the sex like that you feel that he's not doing much for you? Is there foreplay? Is there oral on you? Are the sessions pretty short so that it's mostly him just getting himself off?
> You say that you are having sex about 5 times a week. Do you want sex more often?
> 
> I'm trying to get a better idea of what's going on?


In the past in what was this. No foreplay.....no touching and just PIV or anal (usially when i was on my period or if complainted o was to wet and couldnt get ooff)

In the last two months when trying to work on bringing sex back in our marriage. It was me focusing on him. Bjs and sex only at the beginning. He was finally interested in sex again and wanting sex.

Now its mord equal but still more focused on him. But there is more of him touching me but i would like more oral at least feel like hes into it. I mean i go down on him and make it a whole show. I orgasm because the positions we use he could similate my nippples or i can simulate myself.
I feel a lack of effort on his part when he could do so much more and a least try to feel engaged. Makes me feel so undesired.

Then this whole time hes still as a need for porn. He hasnt had an ed issues once and the one time he did in the last two months he had but forth and effort on me as k shared a fantasy with him and he was trying to fulfill it sith no energy. It wasnt enjoyed because i felt he wasnt enjoying provided so turn off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Don't walk away from someone you love, but DO take some time to focus on yourself.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta



...and by focus on yourself, I am not saying that you need to improve anything. I am saying take some time to enjoy being yourself and be a little selfish by giving yourself some needed attention of doing what ever you want!

If I was in your situation, I'd enjoy downloading a few good acoustic playlists on my phone, and then go for a nice hike in the mountains to meditate. OR even enjoy a nice drive through the countryside while eating my favorite fast food. 

Badsanta


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

peacem said:


> I have so many things to say I could write an essay on your story...briefly;
> 
> 1) Besides the porn you need to go right back to basics. No.1 priority is for your H to sort out his grooming and hygiene. Honestly..it is the very basics of good sex. I know you say you see past it but I would find what you describe incredibly disrespectful. Everyday I spend time looking the best I can, mainly for my own self respect but also because I want to be attractive to my H. My H is not great with fashion and is a little lazy with grooming, but he is always very clean, especially just before sex - showered and smelling great.
> 
> ...


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

badsanta said:


> ...and by focus on yourself, I am not saying that you need to improve anything. I am saying take some time to enjoy being yourself and be a little selfish by giving yourself some needed attention of doing what ever you want!
> 
> If I was in your situation, I'd enjoy downloading a few good acoustic playlists on my phone, and then go for a nice hike in the mountains to meditate. OR even enjoy a nice drive through the countryside while eating my favorite fast food.
> 
> Badsanta


I have joined a gym to help clear my mind and work on me. The energy and self esteem issues will help when i am losing weight and toning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

peacem said:


> May I very politely remind people to keep in mind that OP is referring to a situation where she is very sexual and enjoys frequent and adventurous sex but has a partner who turns away from her in favour of masturbation to porn. OP is trying to find advice which can help her move forward. I know we can only contribute according to our own experience but sometimes a little empathy and compassion to someone who is hurting is kinder than just regurgitating our own issues which are not really connected to the problems of the OP...albeit done with the best of intentions.


While getting an explanation...he said he watch it to get some ideas and also to get ideas on what to try with me. He told me he never masturebated to them but how can i trust that. I mean 11 videos of porn...if i watched that many than even i wouldnt be able to resist myself. 

Do i get him the benfit of the doubt. He could have told me and explained this but he didnt. He gave me an example when were ternagers that i once told him i watched porn to understand more about what sex was like and get ideas. However when we were teenagers....interent was not how we know it today. Now if i need infirmatiin i look up articles not porn. So i thinks its an excuse to jusify his lie
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> I have joined a gym to help clear my mind and work on me. *The energy and self esteem issues will help when i am losing weight and toning.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*The energy and self esteem issues will help when you learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are! 
*
Eating healthy and exercising are great things to do, but some people actually perceive diet and exercise as a way to attack and destroy who they are because they do not love and accept themselves. If this is what you are doing, you can not heal by attacking yourself. 

Love yourself, you'll find more energy, you'll begin to heal, feel and want to be more active, and your body will loose weight and tone in response to being loved by yourself. WAY BETTER!!!!!!!!


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> While getting an explanation...he said he watch it to get some ideas and also to get ideas on what to try with me. He told me he never masturebated to them but how can i trust that. I mean 11 videos of porn...if i watched that many than even i wouldnt be able to resist myself.
> 
> Do i get him the benfit of the doubt. He could have told me and explained this but he didnt. He gave me an example when were ternagers that i once told him i watched porn to understand more about what sex was like and get ideas. However when we were teenagers....interent was not how we know it today. Now if i need infirmatiin i look up articles not porn. So i thinks its an excuse to jusify his lie
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm slightly confused, so I'll give a multiple choice answer. 

A) IF, he is banging you 4-5 times per week several weeks in a row then maybe, MAYBE:grin2: the excuse that he watched it for ideas but did not whack off is true.

B) If the sex is sparse then i call BS.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Angel- I put my foot down and said no porn. I really don't care how it makes me look, it was the only chance to fix our sex life. 
Sadly I think the damage is done and the bad sex resulting from it is what I'm left with. Honestly, I don't think it will get any better and am looking at divorce.

I wouldn't believe he was looking at porn for education (WTH is he going to learn anyway?), he's watching it to get off to. He needs to make a choice. Commit to trying to fix sex with a real and willing woman or live alone jacking off to porn while you move on.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Angel- I put my foot down and said no porn. I really don't care how it makes me look, it was the only chance to fix our sex life.
> Sadly I think the damage is done and the bad sex resulting from it is what I'm left with. Honestly, I don't think it will get any better and am looking at divorce.
> 
> I wouldn't believe he was looking at porn for education (WTH is he going to learn anyway?), he's watching it to get off to. He needs to make a choice. Commit to trying to fix sex with a real and willing woman or live alone jacking off to porn while you move on.


I think Angel needs to follow your lead. There's no excuse for a man to be unavailable to his wife but then watch porn. And it's insulting that he even told her he was merely looking for things they can try. Don't get me wrong, I not a porn police guy at all but people need to be taking care of business in real life before fixating on virtual.


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Angel82 said:


> ...Again i just don't get it. If he would rather have sex with himself then with me instead of a real women than why be married at all.


That's the question! InTheory gave an answer that really got my attention:



intheory said:


> The reasons he would rather have sex with pixel women on a screen, than a real, flesh and blood women??
> 
> 
> 
> ...


because I'd been thinking, "What's the big deal with porn? Isn't it just something nice for lonely people, or a way to start the juices flowing, a warm-up prior to the arrival of one's partner?" Now I see why it might be such an issue.

But here's the thing, that answer feels terribly incomplete, though certainly not necessarily wrong.

Somewhere in the box of self-help, sex, dating, philosophy, Eastern religion, etc. books I have from before the Internet, there's one discussing a problem the author called, *"confusing longing with loving."
* 
The author explained that longing and loving can both be powerful (and falsely similar) feelings, and that many people who faced rejection (say from a parent) at an early age, had trouble settling into a secure comfortable loving relationship. They'd later in life seek the "longing" feeling they'd sadly learned to associate with that deficient loving early in life.

I think one example was of fathers, afraid of any real or even just perceived sexuality toward their daughters approaching puberty, withdraw their affection and then give them the cold shoulder from that point on. Later in life, these women might reject or sabotage relationships that lack that familiar coldness.

So in the case of Angel82, maybe her husband is actively seeking longing instead of loving, as he seeks porn?

Overall, as I read this site, I've come to feel there's an epidemic here of people confusing longing with loving! I'm not a complete stranger to this myself.

Here are two of my favorite sayings: *"Happiness is wanting what you already have."* And, *"Love is accepting, not changing."*

I appreciate that those sentiments don't always fit into this cruel old world and some of the people in it, but I's suggest using one's reaction to those sayings as a compass. If they sound crazy, it just might be worth a bit of soul searching to understand why.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bestyet2be said:


> Somewhere in the box of self-help, sex, dating, philosophy, Eastern religion, etc. books I have from before the Internet, there's one discussing a problem the author called, *"confusing longing with loving."
> *


To get all researchy and nerdy, one can also get confused with the dual sexuality systems of *excitement* and *inhibition* and the non concordance of how confusing longing and loving can accelerate various contextual misinterpretations for when two people react in two very different ways to the exact same porn problems. 

-cause if it were me dealing with the same problem with my wife looking at porn, I'd get very upset AND get an erection! But that's me...

OR

To be simple, when your husband gets excited watching porn even when he knows that it hurts you AND he is compelled to lie to you about it when you asked him to be honest, *YOU SHOULD JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS* and don't let anyone tell you how you should feel or even try to understand it further.

You seem like a loving and caring person, and if your instincts are telling you something, just feel free to trust yourself!

Badsanta


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

badsanta said:


> ...if it were me dealing with the same problem with my wife looking at porn...


Yeah, it's a little hard to sort out. Some things I think about a great deal, but people's widely ranging viewpoints here, not so much. Personally, I've browsed a bit on the Internet, but I guess pretty little compared to most people.

I recall early in our marriage my wife wanting to go to the "dirty store" to buy a few VHS tapes and toys. (Uh huh. VHS. We're old.) I guess neither of us had really done that prior, both of us thinking, "Anyone who sees someone alone buying stuff here will think, what a lonely person, but seeing a couple buying stuff, that's OK, they're a passionate couple, getting stuff to spice things up."

I will say that when the OP wrote, "fine just use your imagination," that resonated with me. My feeling is, I'm happy to "depend" on my wife for sex, but on those (unfortunately too frequent times when she's not there for me) I'd much rather explore my imagination as I "do myself" next to her when she's asleep, than to "depend" of magazines, Internet, or even VHS tapes, which somehow feels more an indignity.


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

I want to male a 1 year plan to make this marriage work an build trust. The recent founded porn as not affected our relationship in the past bedroom. With this being said and even thou we are busy the appointments for Mc and sex therapist are being booked today. 

Iam working on myself esteem through myself and not what my husband thinks of me. Not that he as ever put me down but body language sometimes feel that way but than that couuld be in my head. I told him i need passion and attention a lot to feel safe. 

The issue with the porn i would like to discuss with the therapist and get their feedback to health boundries that i can feel safe and not threaten but that he will just need to comply with whatever boundries i am ok with.

Hr is working on himself and his issues that will hopefully stregenth his confidence and his life in more positive way. 

If in one year there is no chnage thn he as agreed to part ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bestyet2be said:


> I recall early in our marriage my wife wanting to go to the "dirty store" to buy a few VHS tapes and toys. (Uh huh. VHS. We're old.) I guess neither of us had really done that prior, both of us thinking, *"Anyone who sees someone alone buying stuff here will think, what a lonely person, but seeing a couple buying stuff, that's OK, they're a passionate couple, getting stuff to spice things up."*



Ummm, if I see someone in an adult store alone buying stuff, I think, "there is someone brave enough to know how to love themselves and keep it exciting for their partner as well." When I see a couple, I can't help but to think, "poor lady having to go our shopping with her pimp or an overzealous husband that will likely force her to do stuff that might hurt her!"

But that is just me!

Badsanta


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

intheory said:


> But expect that even if you do watch it with him; he will still sneak off to watch it by himself. He doesn't _want_ to share porn with you. This is his special private world; you don't get a say, you don't count, you have no influence. He has total control over the women in porn. The women have no say over anything. And that's how he likes it. If you "share" that with him, the whole purpose is defeated.
> 
> I think the "best" you could hope for, is that he will watch the tamer stuff with you (to get you off his back, and to trick you into thinking everything is okay now).
> 
> Then he'll wait 'til you're out of the house,or are in the shower; and then he can watch the stuff that really makes him happy. And the fact that he's "outwitted" you; and is still doing this behind your back - will probably greatly enhance the pleasure for him.


 @intheory I think I wrote two replies to this response here to argue with you about how this is likely wrong, but then I stopped to think about it in context with everything the OP has said. Then I deleted those responses and never posted them. 

why...

*because in this case I am pretty sure you hit the nail on the head.* If the situation for the OP was different, I'd have fun giving you crap about this not being right! 

Regards,
Badsanta


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Angel82 said:


> ...is working on himself and his issues that will hopefully stregenth his confidence and his life in more positive way.


You've gotten a wide variety of responses here, but one point in common might be that your husband isn't particularly operating from a place of inner strength in all this. Nor you necessarily from a place of weakness. Maybe seeing that helps you approach the situation better? (With charity for both yourself and him.) Good luck!


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> I would hate to disagree with either of you because I think you both are usually on the money but....I disagree. :smile2:
> 
> By watching porn together it changed everything. H called it 'porn without the guilt' and it seemed to lose its forbidden fruit appeal.....
> 
> .... I am now the forbidden fruit.


 @Angel82 In the case of Peacem she has learned that by *changing the context* of porn so that she now has the confidence to be the one that controls it and encourages her husband to enjoy it with her. What used to be a topic of severe conflict between them is now something that Peacem uses with her husband to shock and awe him with her confidence which is way more powerful than the porn itself.

...now, would her husband ever sneak off again and watch porn by himself. Probably not because I imagine Peacem has changed the dynamics in the relationship and "without the guilt" his focus can turn towards embracing their relationship instead of running away. 

As for your husband, it sounds as if there would be a lot of work needed on his behalf (not you), for things to get to that point. 

Badsanta


----------

