# 3+ Years Since H Affair



## Arielle46 (Mar 21, 2011)

My husband began his affair in early (March) 2006 and would constantly deny it. By the end of 2006 (November), I told him to make a choice. He left for a week. 

Upon his return there appeared to be remorse. I forgave and intimacy, which had been absent for a few years, returned. For about 3 months (11/06-2/07), we were like kids again! Then I began to feel him pull away again and I thought to myself, she must be back. Intimacy ceased and I asked him what was going on? Of course he wasn't going to tell me. After months now of this, I had enough and told him I wanted him to leave (7/07). I remained in the home with our four children who ranged at the time from 9-17. He left and went to stay with a "friend". 

During the time he was gone, there was peace in the house, peace in my heart. I would go to bed at night content, knowing that I had done a good job that day and there was no one there to tear me down or take it away from me by being critical. He came to see the kids, most every day, tended to our pool, yard, etc. I was respectful and so was he. 

Exactly 3 months later on our 25th wedding anniversary, he came over late that night and asked me if he could come home. Said that I was the most wonderful woman in the world and that he was a fool to ever do this to me. I said to him... What's wrong? things not going well at ....(address) ? He was shocked that I had known all along exactly where he was living and with whom. I had followed them, had pictures taken of them and even witnessed explicit intimacy between them. 

I waited... for a loud voice from heaven to tell me what to do. Looking at him, knowing that he was drinking a lot more during the separation and of his vicodin addiction (he'd lost 30 pounds in 3 months and looked sickly), I thought that if I didn't take this man back.. he would die. Where would my kids be at that point without a father? So I said he could come back.. 1. for his well being. 2. for my kids. What I never took into consideration was what I wanted.

He slept on the couch for about 2 weeks at which point, due to his bad back (hence the vicodin) I allowed him to return to our bed. He cut off all ties, mutual friends etc. I truly believe to this day, he is being faithful. For a few months, during the day while the kids were in school, I'd rant and rave and tell him of my pain. He sat there, like a dog with his tail between his legs. Not once did he try to console me. Not once did he ask what he could do to help me heal. We fell back into the same sexless marriage and back to what we've done for years...manage a home (bills, finances, tasks, carpools etc). I have to say one thing positive about him... I am a modest person and don't require much. I have never lacked anything. He has provided well for our family and we have never lacked anything we needed and financially he has set up our future quite nicely.

About a year after his return, I decided to go back to school. I did and I did it well. I flourished. Made friends, felt smart and capable (something I'd been told my whole life by my father and my husband, that I wasn't). I graduated last June, and have gotten sucked into the world of unemployment because I can't get someone to hire me without experience. But I refuse to give up and keep plugging away at those applications. 

Here's my dilemma... It's been 3+ years since his return. I have no physical desire toward him whatsoever. I want out. I feel like I'm drowning. People have told me that I don't forgive him. I wrestled with that quite a bit, have searched my heart and have honestly come to the conclusion that I do forgive him. I wish him no ill, nor do I want to retaliate. I just no longer wish to share my life with him.

We have a second home about 4-5 hours away. He has been going there most every weekend since around September. There has always been good reason and he is doing work in the house. He's gone sometimes for 6 days and home for 4 then goes for 4 and home for a week. It varies. When he isn't here, my spirit is lifted, I can breathe. I have never had anxiety issues before but when I know he is on the drive back... my shoulders/neck tense up. My stomach turns and I have trouble breathing. 

I have told him how I feel. That I would like him to stay up there longer, like for two weeks straight then come see the kids for a weekend (I could go stay by a friend/relative). In one breath he says ok, but then he doesn't follow through.

Although I really want an amicable divorce and to be friends so we can parent our children, I am afraid that the kids won't understand. He has said things in front of them like "Oh mommy's a bigshot now because she went to school" and "listen to your mother she knows what she's talking about, after all she went to school for that, even though she's not making money for it, she knows". 

I'm the one who was betrayed. I'm the one who let him come home. I'm the one who has been nice. But I'm the one who will be made to look like the bad guy, because I want out ! 

Questions/Advice/Comments/Suggestions....please :scratchhead:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your being abused. Sounds like your enduring this self imposed soul prison for what you believe is "the good of the kids"... Is that really what you think?

Let me ask you.. Do you think what you are teaching the kids about marriage/relationships and mostly about who mommy & daddy are as people (the very same people they will model themselves after) is really "good" for the kids?


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Very thoughtfully written out post. 

The kids will "get it" one day. 

Nice will get you nothing from this guy but 
to be treated like a doormat.

Lawyer up and get advice on the best way to handle a divorce. With 2 homes it should be pretty easy for you to stay in the present house with the kids. Find out, prepare yourself, get close family and friends in on your plans.

Good luck


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## Arielle46 (Mar 21, 2011)

If I really stop to think about it... I already know that the example our "marriage" gives to our children is not a healthy model whatsoever. What I don't understand is why I am so afraid to take that step. When you say the kids will "get it" one day... I'm gathering that you mean they'll find out why and will understand then why I made the choice I made.

The girls who are 18 and 21 know what their father has done, but he doesn't know that they know. Doormat? You're absolutely right. Family/Friends? Not really too many of them and for some odd reason, they all love him and think that I should just forget and endure. Even one of his close friends from childhood told me that. You know how those people can be. The shock disbelief and the omg's but you guys are like barbie and ken... blah, blah, blah. Even my husband tells me I should just "get over it, it's been over 3 years". 

Thanks for the imput


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

You apperently do not want to keep ths relationship going. You deserve to be happy. If you do not want to be with him do both of you a favor and move on.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Kids are older then I thought. So yeah they are already looking at mom and dad and either thinking..."I'm never gonna live like that"....or...."Gosh I guess marriage is not good for women."
Tons of people go their separate ways when the kids get to that age. Marriages that never really worked.

You are afraid because it is a BIG scary decision. 

And if you are serious you need to lawyer up and stand up for yourself. Forget about being the "nice" one. 

It doesn't matter so much what other people think. The omg's will go away after awhile. And only you can judge if you can, "get over it".


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## Arielle46 (Mar 21, 2011)

I guess that's where I'm stuck. Worrying what people will think, wondering if the boys will be angry at me for "making their father go away" and then having to deal with two teenage boys who are angry and missing their father who will probably be living 4-5 hours away.

It definitely is a very "BIG" and scary decision. I met my husband when I was 16, married at 18. This oct I will be married 29 years. I have never been on my own, so yea it's scary. Thank you... I do deserve to be happy. Trying to break down the fear and stay strong in that belief. It's difficult without family/friends behind you for support. The only support I get is negative. Anyone I've ever spoken to, imho has a tainted "christian" view that divorce is taboo, but I on the other hand have gotten soooo past that train of thought. 

Thank you for the encouragement, trying to build myself back up to that strong person I know I am and to make decisions now that not only makes me happy but is in the best interest of everyone.

Lawyering up...gonna take some time


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

What moved me was this part of your post...

"When he isn't here, my spirit is lifted, I can breathe. I have never had anxiety issues before but when I know he is on the drive back... my shoulders/neck tense up. My stomach turns and I have trouble breathing. "

What if you live 50 more years? It's possible these days. What if he lives that long too??!!?? LOL...just had to crack a bad joke

*hugs*


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## Arielle46 (Mar 21, 2011)

50 more years? Oh God, I certainly hope not...well maybe for me but...LOL

I guess it is "apparent" that I don't want this marriage anymore. When you ignorantly follow someone, to see what they are up to and what you see thrusts a knife through your heart, yeah you might as well say "Put a fork in me, I'm done". The hard part is that now that he is back, he doesn't seem to understand the depth of the pain he has caused me. I have been candid with him. I've told him exactly what I saw them doing together. He only tells me that "I" have to get those images out of my head and he wants to stay married to me. At this point, after all I've gone through with him and the things I've seen, I can honestly say that I will never let that man touch me again! I am completely repulsed by him. 

I do know that I have to get myself to the point in which I don't care if I look like the bad guy to the kids for pursuing a divorce when he tells the kids that he's trying to be nice to me, but that mommy just isn't nice... I know that it's his way of trying to guilt me into staying in this thing called a marriage. You're all correct... I need to grow a pair !


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Arielle46, good luck! You know you want to leave, you know you should leave and that is all the justification that you leave. Otherwise, the remaining kids will still feel the effects of a bad marriage.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Arielle46 said:


> Here's my dilemma... It's been 3+ years since his return. I have no physical desire toward him whatsoever. I want out. I feel like I'm drowning. People have told me that I don't forgive him. I wrestled with that quite a bit, have searched my heart and have honestly come to the conclusion that I do forgive him. I wish him no ill, nor do I want to retaliate. I just no longer wish to share my life with him.


Nice to hear someone feels the same. It was 2 years ago for me and I have no physical desire for her now. I know I forgave her, but things are not the same and I dont think I can ever feel the safety and comfort I did before.





Arielle46 said:


> Although I really want an amicable divorce and to be friends so we can parent our children, I am afraid that the kids won't understand.


Again ditto, I can see myself visiting at holidays, wishing her a happy birthday, and wanting her completely happy. I just dont see it as her husband. Same thing with our kids, I know they will understand in time but until then I worry about what it will do to our relationship (being a dad I know I would likely get the short end of custody)



Arielle46 said:


> I'm the one who was betrayed. I'm the one who let him come home. I'm the one who has been nice. But I'm the one who will be made to look like the bad guy, because I want out !
> 
> Questions/Advice/Comments/Suggestions....please :scratchhead:


Exactly! We didnt do anything wrong (sure not perfect though) but we look like the bad guy. after all this time it should be fine so there must be another reason wanting to leave, that is what I think people will say. If I had do it right after it happend she would be the bad guy. Sucks that trying to stick/work it out that you end up feeling like that.


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