# Where do I start?



## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

Just got the news last night that I had been aniticipating for several weeks. My wife is completely done with our marriage, not willing to work on things and it is over. Things had not been smooth, but this hit me out of left field as she started talking about separation within a week of me returning from Afghanistan. Unfortunately, she does not have a place to go yet and since we have a baby I cannot throw her out and will be stuck under the same roof as her for two months which will unfortunately delay the start of my healing process.

My question is, with my world bein shattered, where do I even begin to start to picu up the pieces? I just returned from Afghanistan so I ahve been lonely for the year I was there and now I am facing long term loneliness because I need to take time to heal before I get back out there. I had very few hobbies and interests outside of my wife and kids and have drifted apart from friends over the years. I have lost 20 pounds since I came home from the stress and having appetite issues. I am in IC already, but don't know where else to even begin to heal and rebuild my life. I did not want this to happen, had no say in it and was willing to do everything to save the marriage so I am hurting and don't know how to get to better tomorrows.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

paman75 said:


> Just got the news last night that I had been aniticipating for several weeks. My wife is completely done with our marriage, not willing to work on things and it is over. Things had not been smooth, but this hit me out of left field as she started talking about separation within a week of me returning from Afghanistan. Unfortunately, she does not have a place to go yet and since we have a baby I cannot throw her out and will be stuck under the same roof as her for two months which will unfortunately delay the start of my healing process.
> 
> My question is, with my world bein shattered, where do I even begin to start to picu up the pieces? I just returned from Afghanistan so I ahve been lonely for the year I was there and now I am facing long term loneliness because I need to take time to heal before I get back out there. I had very few hobbies and interests outside of my wife and kids and have drifted apart from friends over the years. I have lost 20 pounds since I came home from the stress and having appetite issues. I am in IC already, but don't know where else to even begin to heal and rebuild my life. I did not want this to happen, had no say in it and was willing to do everything to save the marriage so I am hurting and don't know how to get to better tomorrows.


Sorry this is what you came home to after serving over there. Before I start let me just say thank you for your service. It takes a special person to do what you do.

It sounds like she's made up her mind but you can help yourself. Even though you are living together you can start doing 180. Take care of yourself. Focus on you and your kids. Do not beg her to stay. Do not beg her for answers. Have as little contact as possible under the circumstances.

Try to reconnect with friends. Its so important right now. I had the same issue that I had grown apart from my friends during my marriage. I was pleasantly surprised that all of them came back into my life and have supported me since my seperation. Just give it a try, you also may be surprised .

Try to eat. Even something small every few hours. It's so important to help keep your focus up. Go for walks, go to the gym take up a new hobby you may have always wanted to do.

You can and will get through this. Keep posting here. There are wonderful people here to help you. Just remember to take every day as it comes. One day at a time, one step at a time.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Tell us more about yourself. How long have you been married? How old are you two? How many kids? How long have there been problems in the relationship?


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> ...


this is what you have to do, indifference makes a difference, and be patient you will heal and feel better with time, if she changes her mind thats a bonus.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Paman - I must echo the same. My deep thanks for your service to this great country. And I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but you will get great support and feedback. Everyone here is a champion for each other. Doing the 180 is the best choice for all of us. It gives us purpose (outside of our dedication to family) and allows us to focus on ourselves for a change. 

You will find a lot of similarities and patterns for the WS here. I know I have and it is absolutely stunning because I used to think I was the crazy one.....no, it is how they (i.e. WS) make you feel...unwanted, unloved, devalued, etc. 

We are not any of those things that is why the 180 is critical for us. Individual thinking and satisfaction is the key to happiness. Take care.


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## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

northernlights said:


> Tell us more about yourself. How long have you been married? How old are you two? How many kids? How long have there been problems in the relationship?


I am 38, my soon to be ex-wife is 42. There is one child - a 21 month old, which makes this an even bigger shame. There have been problems since the beginning of the marriage which was two years before I deployed and I was fully committed to working with her to resolve them - but she had no interest at all. She made up her mind that this was over and there was nothing more to be done.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

paman75 said:


> I am 38, my soon to be ex-wife is 42. There is one child - a 21 month old, which makes this an even bigger shame. There have been problems since the beginning of the marriage which was two years before I deployed and I was fully committed to working with her to resolve them - but she had no interest at all. She made up her mind that this was over and there was nothing more to be done.


Tell us about the problems.

Sounds like you would take her back if she was willing.

Does she have someone else?


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## paman75 (Sep 4, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Tell us about the problems.
> 
> Sounds like you would take her back if she was willing.
> 
> Does she have someone else?


I would take her back,but she is the leaver and has firmly made up her mind and she NEVER changes her mind when it is made up. Mainly communication issues, I am not completely innocent, but will willing to work on better communication. She has quite a volatile temper, but if she was able to get that under control, things could be better, but alas, it is not to be. I don't think she has someone else, I suspected it - but at this point it is immaterial because the end result is still the same, the marriage is over and I left figuring out how to start over.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

paman75 said:


> I would take her back,but she is the leaver and has firmly made up her mind and she NEVER changes her mind when it is made up. Mainly communication issues, I am not completely innocent, but will willing to work on better communication. She has quite a volatile temper, but if she was able to get that under control, things could be better, but alas, it is not to be. I don't think she has someone else, I suspected it - but at this point it is immaterial because the end result is still the same, the marriage is over and I left figuring out how to start over.


Are you in counseling?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Dude...

Welcome...and I'm sorry. And with the others...thank you for your service...it means a lot...I am not military but work at a nuk plant that is military based and work with many military people...very appreciated. 

The 180...is indeed critical...read it every day...and don't 'slip'...it's is indeed a long list but if you read it every day...you get really good at it and your living with her so you do need to 'know it'...and abide by it. It will help you like you would not believe.. it helps you gain back your confidence and get back into control...and get your self respect back...and take care of 'you'....if you follow it...these things and more happen... it's true. 
You did say you were in IC yes? Keep going...and a big 'yes' to whomever suggested you get back into touch with friends...start making your calls...'get out more'...do stuff... do not mope...be active and stay active...and move on even when you don't feel like it... and if your not exorcizing....start. Seriously... exorcise. Get in shape if your not... 
don't deal with her...no contact unless it's dealing with your child...sounding redundant here... that 180 is SO important...you live your life as if she was less than a roomate... and you have 'zero interest in anything to do with her'... 'zero' dude. 
if you need to express...vent...anything like that you come here...do it on here...
This place brought me out of a black hole...and helped me begin to be 'me' again... 
your gonna get through this... and one day...you'll be able to flick her like a booger


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If her mind is made up and she's one that will never change her mind, then my advice is for you to think of yourself and get yourself back on track. Especially if your going back in a war zone.

When I was in Vietnam way back in the mid 60's I saw a guy get a "Dear John", and he was a wreck. They had to pull him off the line because he was non functional and not only a danger to himself but to the rest of us. They sent him to see the Chaplin and a shrink. He was able to talk it out and get things off his chest. My advice is for you to get into IC. The V.A. can help you out on this. Give them a call and set up an appointment so you can get the help you need. I wish you the best.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

First of all, as others have said, thanks for your service.

I have to echo what 6301 said, take advantages of the resources that are available to you as a vet. There may be additional resources that you're not aware of.

Focus on taking care of yourself. The 180 is going to be key for you right now. It will help you detach and focus on yourself, and it will help you move forward with your life - with or without her.

And if you're having a rough day, or having doubts, or WHATEVER, post here. You'll always get a supportive response. We're here for you. This isn't easy, and we're all here because we're going through similar things - or have survived to see life on the other side. The survivors here are proof that it WILL get better. You just have to be strong.

*hugs*


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