# What should I do?



## angerhurts (Sep 10, 2009)

I posted earlier telling that my husband's anger is out of control. He flies off the handle for everything. Last night I was not home and he was taking care of the evening routine with dinner and kids bedtimes. My kids reported to me this morning that my husband got in a huge fight with my older son over something so silly. they said that my son was putting his dish in the dishwasher and got in the way of my husband who was also loading dishes and because my son was in the way, he yelled at him. my son struck back and as a reslult was accuesed of being a disrespctful brat and my husband made my son clean the entire kitchen as a result. my son needed to get to sleep for school the next day not do chores for getting in the way.
my husband and i have not spoken much in the last week and i am so upset that he took the only opportunity to get in a fight with our son on a night that I was not there to protect him. I swear that my husband has a huge axe to grind with our son and I fear it will escalate to destruction with violence, police and someone going to jail.
i grew up with anger and rage as a child, i have seen what it can do... not only does it destroy families and relaitionships, it leaves a mark in someones memories forever.
I do not want my husband to interact with our kids anymore for fear that they each have avoided conflict by telling lies, holding in frustration for fear he will overreact, and continually walk on eggshells. this is no way to live but i do not think my husband will get help even though i have asked him to.
i need help - i want my kids to grow up without anger, i don't want them to be angry but it is already starting, i want to live in peace and be able to protect them but right now we are living with the enemy.
please help me by offering a solution to a hard situation.


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## sidlyd (Aug 21, 2009)

Its unfortunate that your husband can get so angry over someone standing in the way, you have to protect your kids no matter what. Have a family meeting or perhaps suggest counseling, I know you said he might not go but you have to keep trying before things escalate to him hurting the kids or even you. No one should live in fear. Take care.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

For one thing, you need to start actually keeping a record of all of this. Start a notebook and write down in detail every time he does something like this. I hate to say it but if it ever comes to a custody battle you will want this record so you have specifics. You can go deeper than that and get a hidden camera or something but that's up to you.

Along with what everyone else has said, unless he gets help (and he has to want the help himself and see his problem or it's pointless) I would say you need to leave the relationship. Even if it doesn't escalate to physical, emotional abuse is just as bad or worse. So do get help. Talk to a couselor, minister, chaplain, whatever you need to. Get books on the subject and read them together, etc. Whatever it takes.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I can agree with what everyone said. Your H does need to get help with his anger. Making your son clean the whole kitchen when he should be getting ready for bed because of school the next day just for getting in the way. If that was the case, my daughters would be cleaning the entire house. Kids get in the way, it's part of them being a kid. 

On another note, this anger he has, will be remembered by your children forever. Not getting them away from it now is going to brand it in their minds, that it's normal for men to act like this, especially since it's their father. I know from experience what watching a parent be angry, mean, not loving, show no emotion until the child is older. They think it's normal to act the way the parent did when they were younger. It's not pretty!


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## angerhurts (Sep 10, 2009)

I thank you for your advice and I have been keeping a log of times that we have been in arguements in the past. I will start logging when he gets in fights with the kids. I hate to have to do it but I know in the long run when it comes to custody, it will help me. 
I also grew up in a household with an angry and violent father. He yelled, hit, threw things, beat my mom, and the cops were constantly at my house that I thought we were supporting the show "Cops". I got away from that and no longer have any contact with my family because the abuse was too much to deal with. I spared my kids by them not knowing who their grandparents were. It has taken me a half a lifetime to overcome my hurt and fight the demons of my own anger. I have changed and calmed tremendously. I sometimes think that my husband was always angry in his own way and that over the years, especially in the last 5-7 has gotten much much worse. 
Because we had (and I say had) a strong respect for one another, his anger rarely showed itself to me and if it did, I could easily defend myself because of the defensive nature I learned growing up in a rage filled home. But this time, if you read my first post, "He should have just hit me", he did turn on me and broke the marriage in two. 
It may seem petty to some of you reading that a simple super raged and angry husband that just said, "F**K You" could destroy so much. He did not hit me, or cheat, or drink too much, or abandon us--he just simply degraded me, the mother of his children.
At that moment, things became so unbelievably clear to me. Like his true colors showed up. I accused him of not loving me is he could have the courage to say such a mean thing to his wife. One thing is to a stranger that cuts you off in traffic and you say it under your breath but to a wife's face... it was too much to forgive without demanding he seek help.
It has been quiet around here but things are very far off from nornal. He knows I will not go anywhere with him, so we have gone to the same places in seperate cars, etc.
I feel like I need to tell him again that I expect him to get counseling or he can consider the marriage over. I don't think he really gets it and belives that I will come around and forgive him.
On the other hand, if I do seperate and divorce him, and the anger/rage goes unresolved, what can I expect for my kids? I feel trapped by staying, my kids will grow up angry or victims and by leaving, my kids are put at risk of his rage without my supervision.
Should I try to talk to him again about getting help? If he does not want it, then I think I need to make a new appt... with a lawyer.
Please let me know what you think I should do. I am so confused and hurt.


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## mea_3 (Sep 13, 2009)

If his anger is out of control, then he needs help. How about an anger management class? I've been there with an angry spouse, it's no fun. And just so you know it will get worse if left alone. I feel for you. And please know it's not your fault.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Well, i must admit i think it has been blown out of portion.

I dont think that your husband got mad at your son for being in the way, might have said something a little rudely, but i think your husband was punishing the child for "struck back". I am assuming you meant talked back and not actually hit your husband. 

In that case, what did your son say. Because if he said something like shut up you azzhole you cant tell me what to do, then i think your husband was in the right for punishing him. 

It sounds like to me that you are using your angry and violent past to hide behind big issues. Sounds to me that you shelter and "Protect" your children to the point that they dont know how to handle any little amount of anger. Dont get me wrong, your husband shouldnt have yelled in the first place, but depending on WHAT he yelled, all of US ADULTS are guilty of doing that. And your son Was in the wrong for talking back. Again dont get me wrong, my kids do it too. The punishment wasnt exterime. There is nothing wrong with your son having to clean the kitchen, he is young and probably doesnt go to sleep right away anyhow. and one late night is not going to kill him.

It also seems to me that the children run and tell anytime daddy gets mad which sets you off and then you go off on daddy. I have one like that, she sees thing differently and tends to dramatise things. She once called me crying, in the secrety of her room, saying that my husband was yelling and throwing things at her, she also knew we were fighting. I blew up only to find out my husband was yelling at her to pick up the things she scattered around, her packback and clothes that he had been asking her to pick up all day and when she ran up to her room, he was throwing her shoes that she left behind. So i learned to not alway believe what the children are saying, or more of hearing what they say but waiting to see the rest of the story.

So you are saying that you dont think anyone should every get angry or upset and yell? Girl, you are in dream land then, and wouldnt make it in my household. we are loud, and we all speak out, the 5 kids are loud and fight with each other and yes, sometimes things are said that are hurtful and rude but you learn to deal with it, teach the wrong to apologize and the right to forgive. I myself have been guilty of saying something incorrectly at the wrong kid or just plain wrong in general, when it is brought to my attention, i correct it. nobody holds grudges or gets their feelings hurt for long.

it seems like your husband is getting picked on by the whole family because he told you f*ck up one time?!?!?! Are you nuts, he was upset when he said that. get over it. No it was not nice, but Neither should you be all offended and self-rightous about it either {the mother of his children.....ugh} Get over it. 

He is NOT beating you or the children. The punishment was NOT for the kid getting in the way but rather for back talking and yes, your son was being a brat.

Your horrible childhood is affecting your life to the point that you are allowing your children to mistreat your husband and you dont even want your husband to interact with them any longer. Lady, you havent dealt with it or gotten over it. People get mad, angry and say hateful things at times. It doesnt mean that they dont love you, or that they dont respect you. If it happens all day every day then you have a problem but that is not what i read here.

i am sure everyone is not going to like what i said, but i think you are the one who needs counseling and parenting classes. You have no idea just how not bad this situation was because you are so hung up on what happened to you as a kid and you are looking for it in your husband.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i stand corrected, it seems you already are in counselling.

well, good luck with that


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## angerhurts (Sep 10, 2009)

your point of view is interesting and I guess a person who shares can never really give a full story or history and expect the readers to completely understand. I do not live in a dream world, just one that demands respect. When we took our vows and built the foundation to our marriage, the words, "F*** You" were not a part of it. In many ways these entries are like a cooking show, you can get a sense of what is cooking but you can't smell it. You do not know how I feel and I did not come here to defend myself. From another point of view, I feel your standards are just a bit lower than mine and it is easy for you to accept verbal abuse -- I can't and won't. It is unacceptable. Yes, the memories of my childhood do play a role in how I am feeling because I have seen first hand what anger can do to a family. Self righous - no - just have the confidence and self esteem to demand how I want to be treated. Funny thing is, the kids don't play me against the dad -- it happens in front of my face, all the time. They don't cower, they are being bullied and are trying to fight back with their defensive words. We are not ganging up on dear old dad - he is choosing to fight with everyone. It is the case 100% of the time that the person that has the problem with everyone is the person with the problem. I appreciate your feedback but not the insults, this is a place for support not put downs. I have put up a boundary to not tolerate disrespect - whether in words or otherwise. People who love one another should never get to the point of losing control and deliberiatly hurt the other. Would you be telling me to get over it if he had hit me? Again, I guess our standards are just different.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

well, that much is true. it is hard to put everything in this one little place and you never get all of the story out. even when i am typing out my problem, it either sounds like my husband does this every second of the day or that i am blowing something out of portion. So you are so right that i dont know the whole story.
and i apologize if you feel like i insulted you. all i was saying was that the boy talked back and the husbands punishment did not seem that bad to me. but maybe that was just the way i read it. i read that you wanted a life where it is always peaceful and nobody treats each other poorly and gets angry or says hateful things, and as wonderful as that would be, it is just not realistic. Also, sometimes the way a person acts is just feedback from the way we treat them or we react to them. but it was only meant as a different point of view.

my mom once told me that if you look for the bad in a person you will only find the bad. It wasnt supportive to me at the time and dang sure not what i wanted to hear. but after i thought about it i realized she was right, i was only looking for the bad so that was what i saw. i know i come across has blunt but i say it as i see it at the time. i never said i was right and you were wrong. i also never said that walking around saying F u is acceptable by anyone standards, but sometimes you need to look beyond the words and try to understand the action. he was upset at the time he said it, very upset apparently, and since you already told him you dont appreciate being talked to like that i am sure he understands he was wrong. all i am saying is get over it and move on towards something else. the way i read it was that you were holding onto his infaction and holding it against him and using it to explain every other action he makes because he popped off in a fit of anger. 
you are also right that we are very different, i dont hold on to things like that. i understand that things are said in anger that are not necessary what the other person feels, and are said something inappropriately just to hurt the other person because they hurt you. it is not nice, and has happened to me too, and yes i feel bad and it hurts. but since that was not the problem to begin with and i also say things that i dont completely mean at the time. i can forgive and forget. 
good luck to you and your family. we all need something to help us threw these troubled times, i hope you find what you need.


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