# I blame us



## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

I want to go on record saying cheating is wrong but I hate if you explain your self it's justifying your behavior! Or if you point out anything the BS did to you leading up to the A you are wrong! You just have to be sorry or you are a jerk! I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around! You can't shut ppl out and later say I would have eventually came around! I don't blame him for my actions but it's driving me crazy that he won't acknowledge how he hurt me ?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tameka said:


> I want to go on record saying cheating is wrong but I hate if you explain your self it's justifying your behavior! Or if you point out anything the BS did to you leading up to the A you are wrong! You just have to be sorry or you are a jerk! I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around! You can't shut ppl out and later say I would have eventually came around! I don't blame him for my actions but it's driving me crazy that he won't acknowledge how he hurt me ?


OK slow down. Um can we get the full story here? Who cheated? You? He shut down sex so you cheated is that were we are going with this? Why not just leave him? I looked at your posts and it seems like instead of dealing with your problems you tried to escape into the arms of another man.

Where are you and your husband now?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Yep, tell us the story. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tameka said:


> I want to go on record saying cheating is wrong but I hate if you explain your self it's justifying your behavior! Or if you point out anything the BS did to you leading up to the A you are wrong! You just have to be sorry or you are a jerk! I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around! You can't shut ppl out and later say I would have eventually came around! I don't blame him for my actions but it's driving me crazy that he won't acknowledge how he hurt me ?


Can you get him to read a book? Both of you would benefit from reading it: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley

In order to recover your marriage, both of your affairs have to be dealt with. And he has to acknowledge his neglect of you and fix it. Good books to read next are:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The purpose of these books are to help restructure you marriage to make it as affair proof as possible. The message of the books are that each spouse has to meet the other's needs.


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > I want to go on record saying cheating is wrong but I hate if you explain your self it's justifying your behavior! Or if you point out anything the BS did to you leading up to the A you are wrong! You just have to be sorry or you are a jerk! I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around! You can't shut ppl out and later say I would have eventually came around! I don't blame him for my actions but it's driving me crazy that he won't acknowledge how he hurt me ?
> ...


We are still together! He wants to stay off the kids! As time goes on it not a warzone anymore but loves to make mean comments or remind me of my indecretion EVERYDAY! Like "I can't believe you sleep with another man! Let's watch a movie together" or if a promiscuous character in movie "she's just like you" etc he says we can't ever be happy again and he never wants to forgive me!


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> Yep, tell us the story.
> 
> 
> My first indiscretion came after 3 years of marriage when I started feeling lonely. He felt as though he settle down to fast (even though he rushed our relationship) and started hanging out more with his friends and leaving me and the kids at home. We talked about it for a while but my husband is very stubborn so after a while I felt helpless an started having a long distance relationship with an old friend. Soon after he found out and made me end the correspondences and we just kinda moved on. No sex was involved in this occurrence. The second indiscretion came 3 years later. We went through a cold phase, not much talking or communicating. He said he knew he was neglecting me. Around that time I began to express my unhappiness with sex and him not taking me out anymore. He explained to me that he was who he was and maybe I needed a boyfriend. So yes I did (I shouldn't have but I did) we dated, no sex but he would give me gifts, do lunch and talk on the phone. My husband found out bc the guy sent a video of us laughing with the caption we don't have to be intimate to have a bond. My husband blew up and was devastated, crying in disbelief. After that he swore to me tht he would be a better husband to me. We began to date weekly, and take the kids out weekly. He began to surprise me with big gifts and I was good to him. 3 years later he started a new job that required a lot of hours. He would come home exhausted daily to the point he would tell me he doesn't want to hear my voice. I told him that I'm not happy with our sex life and I think it should be more about the both of us and it got worse sex went from 15 minutes to 2 minutes. It went from 2 play to no play. He just would not compromise and I found myself feeling hopeless again. He explained that I'm like an old toy. You love your old toy and your want your old toy with you forever but you don't always play with your old toy. It wont excite you the same as a new toy. For a while I took the "Im so tired' but then I found a hotel receipt with his name on and his credit care. He swear he brought the room for a friend but I look through his phone and he search hotels several times. So when I got fed up it was easy to say f*** it. I have tried


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > I want to go on record saying cheating is wrong but I hate if you explain your self it's justifying your behavior! Or if you point out anything the BS did to you leading up to the A you are wrong! You just have to be sorry or you are a jerk! I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around! You can't shut ppl out and later say I would have eventually came around! I don't blame him for my actions but it's driving me crazy that he won't acknowledge how he hurt me ?
> ...


I will definitely but I'm not sure for him! Our MC suggested 5 lanaguages of love and he never read it but I'll bring it to him!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are still young.
You still yearn romance.
You still enjoy intimacy.
You still can please a worthy man.

You are capable of being pleased.
You have all the right feminine parts, in working order. You just need a tune-up.

Divorce this man.

Find the worthy man that can tune you up, hold you close, spend hours looking in your eyes. A man whose romance lasts a lifetime. One who never gets bored with you...never stops boring into you, nightly. A man who will freely share his mindfulness and his up-standing manliness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, @Tameka, let's get this straight, OK?

He said he realised he was neglecting you and he told you to take a lover?

But when you did what he suggested, he got angry with you? :slap:


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> So, @Tameka, let's get this straight, OK?
> 
> He said he realised he was neglecting you and he told you to take a lover?
> 
> But when you did what he suggested, he got angry with you?


Bc when he's challenged or put on the spot to improve himself he just bluts out ?


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You are still young.
> You still yearn romance.
> You still enjoy intimacy.
> You still can please a worthy man.
> ...


This just made me cry! Why can't it just be him ? He says after 15y of being together and 9y of marriage I just can't expect romance ??


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tameka said:


> He says after 15y of being together and 9y of marriage I just can't expect romance ??


Nonsense! That's just a cop-out. 

We're together over 40 years and we still keeping the romance going. That's the fun of it... That's why it's worth it... That's what it's all about...

Sure you have your ups and downs, but you keep working at it. 

You don't give up your dreams and goals, you work at them. 

Read the book @EleGirl gave you. The links are in her signature. 

Best


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tameka said:


> This just made me cry! Why can't it just be him ? He says after 15y of being together and 9y of marriage I just can't expect romance ??


Because you have tried that for 15 years and all you did was hold on to a marriage where you two were not compatible. That will not change. Why stay with someone you will need another man to satisfy in you what he has not been capable of giving in all those 15 years?

Is it not better to seek a man that can give you everything and you him? Your husband is NOT that man. 

You need to stop cheating because it only deteriorates your relationship even more. Either accept that you can't have it all with your current husband or leave him to find someone who can. Don't cheat again, if you feel like you have the need to cheat someone else, leave your husband and do it without secrets and lies. Cheating is what lairs do. No need for that because it destroys whatever was good in your relationship. Your husband will never forget 3 affairs, it is not possible. 

Time to say good bye to that dead marriage.


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > This just made me cry! Why can't it just be him ? He says after 15y of being together and 9y of marriage I just can't expect romance ??
> ...


So true doing what I did destroys the good when believe it or not I was trying to make it work! Not have my cake and eat it too but it's hard going without what you need bc you love the good in someone!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tameka said:


> I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around!


 No one expects you to "just adjust" if your husband shuts down talking and sex; we expect you not to cheat, but to instead try to address the issue with your husband, accept the man you married for who he is, or divorce and find someone else. Cheating is not one of these options. 

In reading your other thread, I see that you have cheated multiple times right from the start throughout your marriage. Each time you say that it was wrong, but since your husband neglected you, you feel that you are somehow not fully to blame. Here is the deal. You are fully to blame. In your first post to this forum you stated that “I left my boyfriend (that I was in love with but he was broke) and started dating” your current husband because he was “the better option as far as my future went”. In stating this, you are admitting that you chose the financially security of your husband over love, and are now complaining about the results of that decision. At the end of the day, your answer to cheat so as to get the best of both is called cake eating, and is not fair to your husband. There are plenty of women out there that would be happy with your husband just the way he is. Since you are not that person, divorce him so as to give him a chance to be happy, and to be with someone that will not cheat. The rub of course is that for you, finding someone that gives you the best of both may not be that easy or even possible, so with your current mindset you may cheat again with your next husband. BTW: if you were involved at all with your current husband, while you were still with the boyfriend that you were in love with, then you also cheated on the boyfriend that you were in love with; see the pattern?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tameka said:


> So true doing what I did destroys the good when believe it or not I was trying to make it work! Not have my cake and eat it too but it's hard going without what you need bc you love the good in someone!


I know and you have a right to find that, but it is not with him Tameka. Set yourself and him free. You two can hopefully be amicable because of the kids, but that is really all you should have been with him. Co parents only.

Be strong and let this marriage go. You will feel better knowing that you are free to find a better fit for you.


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

@Tameka

I'll try to be as gentle as possible, please read my post with an open mind. I apologize if i have made any assumptions, these assumptions are my simple observation obtained from reading your posts.

First of all your husband is 50 percent responsible for the state of your marriage but 0 percent responsible for your choice of having affairs.

Why are you here @Tameka? What is your purpose of posting on this forum?
I think you are posting here to justify your actions, you are looking for people who would agree with you that yes you did the right thing by having an affair,you are looking to pacify your conscience.But no matter what your husband did nothing would justify having 3 affairs.Stop blame shifting.

There are billions of married couples in this world and most of them have problems like you, husband is neglectful etc etc....but do all of them choose to have an affair? NO! they don't. They find out better ways to cope with their problems and find better solutions.

Are you a good wife to your husband @Tameka? (we right now know your husband is absolutely a terrible partner, you have made it perfectly clear from your posts). Can you call yourself a good wife after having three affairs? Can you imagine the pain your husband must have gone through because of your affairs?

Why would he spend time with you? All he sees is a cheating wife, he must be hurt beyond belief.

The crux of the entire post is that we should talk about You and Your behavior, you have to focus on becoming a better person and slowly focus on getting your marriage back on track. You have contributed to the downfall of your marriage, you have to admit this fact.

Finally, have you ever thought about why your husband is staying with you after you destroyed his manhood by having 3 affairs? Maybe he loves you, maybe he is a codependent, you need to find answers for that. Whether this marriage survives or not, the focus should be on you becoming a better person. Please make the right choices, choices that would benefit you and your family. For once ask your husband how much hurt you have caused him by having your affairs and why he is willing to stay with you.

All the best


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

@Tameka

I also see hope in your posts, you two have endured this for 15 years together, if it was hell for you it must have been hell for your husband too. You two (especially you!) found extremely wrong ways to deal with things, your actions were immature. After having 3 affairs your husband still wants to stay with you have you wondered why? Would you stay with him if he had 3 affairs? He is as miserable (if not more) in this relationship as you. But you right now have your 'me' goggles on and maybe you can't see him in pain, I highly doubt that any guy would not be in pain after his wife had an affair, you really need a stone heart for that. Of course he lashes out at you, he wants to punish you for having affairs,read other threads here you would know how a betrayed spouse reacts and its all normal . You gave the other men something which belonged only to your husband. 

Own your affairs, i don't think MC for you is the right step, both you and your husband need IC first.

All the best


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

TRy said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > I believe my response to his neglect was wrong but you can't shut down talking and sex and expect your spouse to just adjust until you come back around!
> ...


I know cheating isn't a healthy response I know it adds to the pain but if I don't explain what lead to that "both our behaviors" how can we reconcile? He wants to R so we have to treat each other better! But it seems if u are the WS you can't discuss any wrong or mistreatment that the BS might have did to you! Like it's all washed away bc I did the unthinkable. I am sorry and very apologetic but that's only the beginning of the conversation! N we are very much codependent on one another! Everything we have we worked as a team to get! We met two months out of high school and have been building every since it's hard to let that go! He is also big on appearances (he doesn't admit) but I'm sure that has something to do with it! N his parents have been married for 30+ years and his GM has been married for a life time!


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

goingsolo12 said:


> @Tameka
> 
> I'll try to be as gentle as possible, please read my post with an open mind. I apologize if i have made any assumptions, these assumptions are my simple observation obtained from reading your posts.
> 
> ...


Also, I love the site bc of post like this! It's someone other than my husband giving me insight on the pain and reactions to an A. I can read it's not being yelled and no tears. I find it helpful even when I'm being cursed out lol! I appreciate "he is responsible for 50% of the failed marriage but you are 100% responsible for the affair" I don't want anyone to pacify but really to pull me out of my feelings or twilight zone and give me real talk!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tameka said:


> I know cheating isn't a healthy response I know it adds to the pain but if I don't explain what lead to that "both our behaviors" how can we reconcile?


 You are missing the point. Your husband's behavior did not lead to you cheating. Your behavior alone did.

No one is perfect. As humans, everyone has their pros and cons. There are no unicorns. When you compared your husband to you ex-boyfriend, you picked your husband not because he was a 10 out of 10 on a scale of being your mate, but because he scored higher than your ex-boyfriend and everyone else in contention. After you are married, you do not get to cheat on your husband because he is not your version of 10 out of 10. You do get to talk to him as you ask him to be better, but again you do not get to cheat. Your repeated solution of having both your husband and a lover may get you the advantages of a 10 out 10, but that is cheating. That is breaking your vows. That was not the deal that you promised to your husband. The fact that no matter what anyone says to you, you still do not understand that is the only issue that you should be addressing right now. Only latter, without using your cheating as a tool for change, do you get to address your husband's imperfections. But be aware, your husband is who he is and will only be able to change so much; he will never be perfect.

Good luck to you. Be well.


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

Tameka said:


> Also, I love the site bc of post like this! It's someone other than my husband giving me insight on the pain and reactions to an A. I can read it's not being yelled and no tears. I find it helpful even when I'm being cursed out lol! I appreciate "he is responsible for 50% of the failed marriage but you are 100% responsible for the affair" I don't want anyone to pacify but really to pull me out of my feelings or twilight zone and give me real talk!


 @Tameka

Your husband is very hurt by your affairs, you have no idea at the amount of damage you have caused to his psyche,because of your affairs your husband is a changed person now, he is not the man you married, please ask him to visit an IC and I would advise you to do the same. You can start rebuilding the marriage after sorting out yourselves, IC should be extremely helpful

All the best


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Tameka said:


> I know cheating isn't a healthy response I know it adds to the pain but if I don't explain what lead to that "both our behaviors" how can we reconcile? He wants to R so we have to treat each other better! But it seems if u are the WS you can't discuss any wrong or mistreatment that the BS might have did to you! Like it's all washed away bc I did the unthinkable. I am sorry and very apologetic but that's only the beginning of the conversation! N we are very much codependent on one another! Everything we have we worked as a team to get! We met two months out of high school and have been building every since it's hard to let that go! He is also big on appearances (he doesn't admit) but I'm sure that has something to do with it! N his parents have been married for 30+ years and his GM has been married for a life time!


I do understand that you probably feel like no one "gets" you as a wayward spouse. While I haven't felt that way on this website, specifically, I have certainly felt that way on other websites and in my real life. Obviously, if he's treated you poorly, your having an affair does not make him a saint. Your having an affair is also not his doing. He didn't force you to sleep with someone, even though his actions may have made you want to. So yes, basically I agree. Both of you have done wrong and both of you need to work on it. I refuse to say who has damaged whom more, as quantifying pain is both pointless and objectively impossible. He's been lazy, or cruel, or abusive, or just plain mean, and you have been unfaithful. You both need therapy for yourselves and marriage counselling. Try to pick therapists that will help you nurture yourself and not grind your self-esteem into the dust because you cheated.

One thing to remember is that on marriage websites like this, for some reason most of the posters are the ones who have been cheated on, not the cheaters. Therefore, they may find it hard to give you the empathy of which you are deserving because their own experiences of the devastation of betrayal cloud their vision. That's not their fault. Nor is it yours. You deserve support whether or not there's anyone around to give it to you.

I wish I had better advice to give you other than a very generic, "make time for self-care and try not to hate yourself" but I really don't because my husband ended up recovering from my affair mostly by himself while I was battling mental health issues of my own. Therefore, aside from my asking his forgiveness and trying to be more sensitive to his emotions (which he seldom if ever displayed) I didn't get the all-consuming turmoil of reconciliation and recovery like most do. I wish you luck and healing, and all the support you need.


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## sancheharri (Mar 30, 2017)

hello,

i'm not sure if i am in a position to comment but i find your behavior very similar to my wife who had an affair(s). i can not emphasize more how much pain and hurt your husband is going through right now. IT'S HELL.
in our situation, everytime the affair was brought up she "counter-attacks" by bringing-up my supposed deficiencies in our marriage "that led her to cheat". sometimes i did say nasty comments about her being this and being that kind of a woman. those comments were coming from the unbearable pain inside and huge disappointment towards the woman i put on a pedestal. 

instead of clearing-up questions in my mind about her affair, the issues got muddled-up by her INSISTENCE that we discuss SIMULTANEOUSLY her complaints and issues against me. this led us NOWHERE. my mind was FOCUSED on hearing answers about the affair and knowing the WHOLE PICTURE about the affair. the issues about our marriage prior to her affair was far from my mind. 

with that kind of response from her, i saw it as being DEFENSIVE, ARROGANT, and CALLOUS. this behavior from her alienated me further from her and just flamed my hatred and disgust. 

and yes, i saw that behavior as JUSTIFYING HER AFFAIR or SHIFTING the BLAME on ME. 

tameka, it's not that i'm being a smart aleck, i'm just surprised at the eerie similarity of our situations...but if you insist on this direction and mindset there is a high probability that your marriage will surely end up in DIVORCE. 

your husband is SUFFERING right now. i strongly suggest that you "submit" for the MEANTIME and ANSWER TRUTHFULLY and COMPLETELY whatever questions he wants to ask about your affair(s). whatever LOVE there is left in your husband for you, don't squander it. HE WANTS TO SEE and FEEL YOUR 101% REMORSE and HATRED to what you have done. you have "zero rights" at this point to bring-up your complaints about your marriage because for him - YOU DESTROYED YOUR MARRIAGE HOWEVER BAD IT WAS. before your affair(s), at least there was a marriage to speak of, however horrible it was for you. now, THERE'S NOTHING anymore.

if you REALLY want to "save" your marriage - endure it all. show to him that you are willing to do everything you can to have another chance. set aside your issues against him for the meantime. you will have all the time in the world to talk about your marriage issues IF HE'S CONVINCED THAT YOU'RE WORTH ANOTHER CHANCE. 

goodluck, tameka...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So let me understand this correctly:

You met when you were teenagers (17 and 18). You had a boyfriend (presumably also a teenager) at the time but you left him for your now husband because "he was a better prospect for your future".

9 years ago you got married to your husband and went on to have 3 children with him.

When things got tough you got into a long term relationship with someone. He called you out on it and you stopped but later took a "boyfriend" (according to you on his advice) who was good because "he gave you gifts" but didn't need sex for these gifts. Again your husband called you out on it and you stopped.

Then later you contacted your first boyfriend who is not a teenager anymore and he was happy to sleep with you in his and your homes (how disrespectful) and not just that, made videos of this.

But of course if you want to reconcile you need your husband to know what caused all of this ?!?!?! Really ?!?!?

As I said in my response in your other thread, this is not how marriage works. When you face difficulties you work on them, you don't go and find boyfriends!!

If this is not working then get divorced. It sounds like you want to have your cake (your husband working and paying for stuff, a house with your kids) and eat it (fvcking other men).

You should not even try to fix this at this stage as it is clearly not a marriage. Give him a divorce and move on!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My suggestion is that you demand you and hubby go to MC. Demand it on pain of divorce. If he won't, then file for divorce. And my recommendation is that you do not remarry. 

One consistent trait I see in you is that you depend on others to provide you with your happiness. Well, it didn't work that way. You need to get into serious counseling to determine why you are so dependent on others to be responsible for your validation. You sleep with other men because you are incapable of validating yourself. 

Right now, in your morally weak condition, you are not a good risk for any man. 

Work on your self esteem. Work on self validation. Work on becoming emotionally independent and happy living in your own skin. Divorce your husband and let the man find a woman who respects him. Quit jumping in the sack with random men as an escape from your problems. 

Your husband didn't make you cheat. He's lazy and selfish, but your choice to cheat repeatedly with other men is a reflection of poor coping skills, lack of character and amorality. Divorce him and start working on yourself. Just don't cheat. It really is that simple. Stop being a bad role model to your children.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tameka said:


> This just made me cry! Why can't it just be him ? He says after 15y of being together and 9y of marriage I just can't expect romance ??


Direct him my way.

Over 25 years and over 21 married and our romance is greater than at any time.

We haven't had a problem free marriage by any means but we have both worked on improving ourselves and our marriage.

Your husband isn't motivated and makes excuses.


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> So let me understand this correctly:
> 
> You met when you were teenagers (17 and 18). You had a boyfriend (presumably also a teenager) at the time but you left him for your now husband because "he was a better prospect for your future".
> 
> ...


Again as I stated I know cheating is wrong and not the correct response but it he wants to R we both have to understand each other! Cheating is wrong and I'm sorry can't be the end of the conversation! Not if R is what we both are choosing


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> My suggestion is that you demand you and hubby go to MC. Demand it on pain of divorce. If he won't, then file for divorce. And my recommendation is that you do not remarry.
> 
> One consistent trait I see in you is that you depend on others to provide you with your happiness. Well, it didn't work that way. You need to get into serious counseling to determine why you are so dependent on others to be responsible for your validation. You sleep with other men because you are incapable of validating yourself.
> 
> ...



My IC was just discussing this with me! She pretty much said the same thing about the self esteem, validation and poor coping skills. He can't leave me and I can't leave him so I just want to figure out how to make I work at this point! But I do appreciate the "real talk"


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tameka said:


> Again as I stated I know cheating is wrong and not the correct response but it he wants to R we both have to understand each other! Cheating is wrong and I'm sorry can't be the end of the conversation! Not if R is what we both are choosing


What are you looking for though? Your husband is crushed. He feelings for you and about you are irrevocably changed. You are no longer safe right now. How can he deal with the marriage problems when right now he is trying to get a handle on who you are. I doubt he is ready to have a state of the union about the marriage and he won't be for a while. 

I don't think you get the enormity of what you did read this. This is what you are doing to this men when you cheat. YOU are doing this. This is probably where he is at right now. That is why you can't start trying to fix the marriage. You say you were a team, but the team is dead now, and how much worse is it that the person you built up all that stuff was was the one who used your heart to break it all down.

I think if you truly want to fix this you need to get the kind of pain he is in. It is all consuming and life altering.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Tameka said:


> We are still together! He wants to stay off the kids! As time goes on it not a warzone anymore but loves to make mean comments or remind me of my indecretion EVERYDAY! Like "I can't believe you sleep with another man! Let's watch a movie together" or if a promiscuous character in movie "she's just like you" etc he says we can't ever be happy again and he never wants to forgive me!


Background, please. When. What form of neglect did you suffer. When was the affair. Did you admit to it or did he discover it. Did you voluntarily stop it, or only after discovered.

There is a grieving process and an anger process for BOTH of you, and the way that the thing unfolded will help identify the most likely path forward.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tameka said:


> Again as I stated I know cheating is wrong and not the correct response but it he wants to R we both have to understand each other! Cheating is wrong and I'm sorry can't be the end of the conversation! Not if R is what we both are choosing


 You have made repeated statements such as "Cheating is wrong" followed by statements such as "but if he wants to R we both have to understand each other", and "I'm sorry cant't be the end of the conversation". Not just in this post, but in most of your posts. Even the title that you gave to this thread "I blame us" is blame shifting. In doing so you are putting your grievances with him and your cheating on even footing. They are not even close to being on the same footing, and until you understand this, your husband has no chance to ever really heal from this. You are also repeatedly make statements that if he want to reconcile (R), he needs to stop bringing it up all of the time. What you are demanding from your husband as a condition of R is that he accept partial blame for you cheating, get over your repeated cheating throughout your marriage, that he swallow his feelings on his own with little help from you, and that he stop bringing it up. Never mind that it takes most cheated on spouses 3 to 5 years to deal with the cheating and the lying associated with the cheating; and that is with a spouse willing to do the heavy lifting, which you are not.

If you read other threads in the infidelity section, you will see that this is called false R, and that this will probably not work long term, any more than the other times he called you out for cheating. You clearly lack true remorse and are again using the power dynamics in your marriage to pressure your husband to quickly sweep your most current cheating under the rug, just like you did the other times that you cheated. BTW, every time you refer to your cheating as an "indiscretion", like you have in a previous post, you are using words to minimize the wrong that you have done. Bottom line, without true remorse, and without consequences (heck you expect to be rewarded by him trying harder), odds are you will decide that he is not meeting your expectations, and you will find reasons to rationalize you cheating behind his back again. 

I wish that your husband were posting, because then you would either divorce and move on, or have a chance at real and long term R. Real and long term R would make both of you happier.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tameka said:


> He can't leave me and I can't leave him...


Why? Is he chained to the radiator? Are you a quadriplegic?


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > He can't leave me and I can't leave him...
> ...


It's crazy right! But it is hard to give up!


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

TRy said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > Again as I stated I know cheating is wrong and not the correct response but it he wants to R we both have to understand each other! Cheating is wrong and I'm sorry can't be the end of the conversation! Not if R is what we both are choosing
> ...


I really do have true remorse I am sorry! I know my actions are my actions! I know this is a reflection of low self esteem and poor coping but when asked what was going on how did I feel so low I have to review the events! 

OMG to 3-5 years I may die in the process!

He won't post bc he thinks the majority of the forms are over emotional and the advice is driven by hurt feelings!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tameka said:


> I really do have true remorse I am sorry! I know my actions are my actions! I know this is a reflection of low self esteem and poor coping but when asked what was going on how did I feel so low I have to review the events!
> 
> OMG to 3-5 years I may die in the process!
> 
> He won't post bc he thinks the majority of the forms are over emotional and the advice is driven by hurt feelings!


Well it seems he is at least emotionally perceptive. >

What are you looking for with these posts exactly? You guys both have to do the work if you going to R. You have to stop making excuses for what you did and separate it from your problems in the marriage. He was in the marriage too.

Did you read the post I linked to? The pain is terrible. He is very hurt and is going to lash out for a while. Is anything he says lies? Is it factually true? If he calls you a ***** then you have a right to be pissed. If he says, you slept with another man and were disloyal to me. Then yep, you are going to have to accept that this is what you did. No getting around it. 

Actions have consequences. Everyone is their actions. Work to be better actions.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tameka said:


> It's crazy right! But it is hard to give up!


Its called codependency. And it will destroy both of you eventually. Has your I.C. worked with you on this?

Tameka would your husband be willing to come on TAM and write to us? Do you not want him on here. Have you told us things you haven't admitted to him?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Neither one of you has to stay with the other. You are not in prison.

My sense from what you write is that you are an empathetic person, but for yourself, not your husband. Without empathy for him, you won't find the remorse that he needs to feel from you in order to heal from your cheating. Your defensive 'what about me?' reactions indicate to me that your empathy is directed inward instead of at him, where it is needed and properly placed.

I actually think that the heartbreak of betrayal is a worse pain than the things you bring up as justifications. That's just me & I know others will argue the point. However, given that I believe this, I don't think you realize the pain of his broken heart. How can he feel romantic toward the woman who is so intent on betraying him?

And now you are talking about hotel reservations on his part. So he is cheating now, too?

If you want to get some sanity in this, I think you either agree to get divorced, or get some serious professional help on how to effectively reconcile. If you read 'How to help your spouse heal from your affair,' you'll easily see that your 'what about my reasons?' complaint is pretty counterproductive.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

so you cheated 3 times 2 em's and one physical.and you were just trying to make things better 


how did that work for you?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tameka said:


> OMG to 3-5 years I may die in the process!


 You need to go into reconciliation (R) with your eyes open. Not only is it common for it to take 3 to 5 years for the betrayed spouse to learn to deal with the cheating and the lies associated with the cheating, and not only could it take longer if the cheater does not do the heavy lifting, but even with the cheater doing the heavy lifting, the betrayed may not have it in them to ever get over it. Surprisingly, the betrayed often have a harder time getting over the lies associated with the cheating than they do the sex. This is just the way it often is. On the positive side, if the cheater has the right mindset, none of the above makes the cheater want to "die in the process" since the marriage that they are getting in the process is becoming so much better.

If you want an example of the right mindset, read what Affaircare is saying. Be well.


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > It's crazy right! But it is hard to give up!
> ...


He believes the forums are to emotional and most of the advice are from hurt individuals! But I have encouraged him to visit the forums! I have honesty learned so much!

My Ic has discussed with me codependency and I'm working on it but I don't want to leave him! I want him to leave me! I want us both to improve and be better!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tameka said:


> He believes the forums are to emotional and most of the advice are from hurt individuals! But I have encouraged him to visit the forums! I have honesty learned so much!


 Although I think that you need to work on your mindset, what gives me hope for you two is that you take your lumps and keep coming back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tameka said:


> He believes the forums are to emotional and most of the advice are from hurt individuals! But I have encouraged him to visit the forums! I have honesty learned so much!
> 
> My Ic has discussed with me codependency and I'm working on it *but I don't want to leave him! I want him to leave me! *I want us both to improve and be better!


Yeah...because you want him to be the bad guy. You want him to be responsible for calling the marriage quits. That way you can absolve yourself of your role in destroying your relationship. 

Step back and look what you just wrote. Can you not see how insane that thinking is?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Dear Tamika,

You're co-dependent. You feel like you'd drop down dead in a matter of days- or maybe minutes- if he weren't there to take care of you. I get it. I understand. I feel like that about my husband too. The difference is, your marriage is in jeopardy. You could lose him at any second, and that's terrifying.

I know you want him to leave you rather than you leaving him. Believe it or not, though, that would be about 100 times harder because you would have had no time to prepare. If I were in your shoes I'd stay in the marriage for right now, which is where you feel safest. Whilst there, I'd work on self-compassion and self-love and self-care. I'd learn to manage my own finances. I'd learn to get a job on my own, and I'd find a support system- both material and emotional- who can help you if you are overwhelmed and don't have enough resources for yourself. 

Make a list of all the things that you do, use, and need in one month. Electric bill? Gas bill? Water bill? Rent? Car? Gas? Medicine? Food? Feeling safe. Feeling calm. Having an activity to do to de-stress. Having a comfortable place to relax. Having books to read, music to listen to. You had a bubble bath or a spa treatment last week? That goes on there. Do you have a need for love and acceptance from those around you? That goes on there. 

The list, added up, will tell you what emotional needs you have to learn to meet, how much money you need to be making before you move out, and what stuff you need to take with you when you leave. 

Figure out what you can do to get each of your psychological and physical needs met. 90% of the physical bit is getting a job that pays well enough to support your physical needs. The other 10% is having or finding the emotional wherewithal to go out and buy food, pay the bills, etc. You may not be able to get a job at first due to the immense emotional stress of it all. Find something else. Make things and sell them on etsy. Become a freelance graphic designer, or voice actress, or writer. Heck, with the internet being the weird place that it is there's an enormous market for dirty clothes, for some reason. Sell your laundry if that's what it takes.

Learning to provide for the emotional bit takes work. There's therapy. Or there are online self-love classes, believe it or not. I took a college-esque class on self-love for $100 once.

But once you have learned to provide for most of your financial and emotional needs on your own- like, 80% you and 20% other people- that's when you leave him, because at that point you know you can. Getting there will probably takes months if not years, but at that point you'll know you can do it because you're already meeting most of your own needs. 

Best of luck. Situations like this are my nightmare, and I pray you get out in once piece. I believe in you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're both at fault for your crap marriage. Maybe him more than you, but there it is.

You -- and you alone -- are solely responsible for your decision to cheat.

And that's it.


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

alte Dame said:


> Neither one of you has to stay with the other. You are not in prison.
> 
> My sense from what you write is that you are an empathetic person, but for yourself, not your husband. Without empathy for him, you won't find the remorse that he needs to feel from you in order to heal from your cheating. Your defensive 'what about me?' reactions indicate to me that your empathy is directed inward instead of at him, where it is needed and properly placed.
> 
> ...


Yes each day I'm learning how much I hurt him and how much I meant to him! I really wish I can get him back to MC but the first was horrible and he felt it was a waste of time bc no one could undo what was already done! I'll look up the reading, thx


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> You're both at fault for your crap marriage. Maybe him more than you, but there it is.
> 
> You -- and you alone -- are solely responsible for your decision to cheat.
> 
> And that's it.


You would be surprised how many times I had to read that that before I understood it! But I get it!


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Dear Tamika,
> 
> You're co-dependent. You feel like you'd drop down dead in a matter of days- or maybe minutes- if he weren't there to take care of you. I get it. I understand. I feel like that about my husband too. The difference is, your marriage is in jeopardy. You could lose him at any second, and that's terrifying.
> 
> ...


I don't need him at all financially anymore but emotionally I am so dependent that I have chest pains when I think it may be over forever! I will take the advice tho to gain strength for my emotional and physical! I have to bc I used to be able to blame it on money but I have that now I see it's deeper and more complex, even image wise and ppl knowing we failed


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

TRy said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > He believes the forums are to emotional and most of the advice are from hurt individuals! But I have encouraged him to visit the forums! I have honesty learned so much!
> ...


I'm working on it! I really am! The mindset isn't a easy thing to change!


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## Tameka (Apr 17, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Tameka said:
> 
> 
> > He believes the forums are to emotional and most of the advice are from hurt individuals! But I have encouraged him to visit the forums! I have honesty learned so much!
> ...


Sorry that's a typo I don't want to leave him! I DON'T want him to leave me! I want us both to improve and be better!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tameka said:


> Yes each day I'm learning how much I hurt him


What are you doing to address his pain and make amends?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tameka said:


> I don't need him at all financially anymore but emotionally I am so dependent that I have chest pains when I think it may be over forever! I will take the advice tho to gain strength for my emotional and physical! I have to bc I used to be able to blame it on money but I have that now I see it's deeper and more complex, even image wise and ppl knowing we failed


But isn't one of the excuses you give for your affairs is because he was emotionally neglecting you? 

Too many inconsistencies here. 

Tameka have you ever considered the possibility that you are just not a monogamous person? There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sexual relations with a variety of partners. When it becomes wrong is when you try to do that in the context of a marriage.


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