# This is as bad as it gets! Is there any hope at all?



## andysad (Sep 29, 2010)

I am really cornered and I would really appreciate any advice anyone could give me.

It is just that I am completely lost and I just don’t know what to do next. Here is my story:

My wife and I have been married for over three years and have been together for eight. We didn’t have an 'official' wedding three years ago (it was a simple civil ceremony) but she always wanted a grandiose wedding. So in July we had a wedding of he dreams, with all the friends and family and me putting a lot of my savings and heart into it. It was the most amazing day of my life and I thought it was hers as well.

Weeks after returning home I started noticing things. My wife and her girlfriend started going out to night clubs ever weekends (always a girls’ night out). She has done this before but it has really intensified after our wedding. It’s gotten to a point where she was starting to spent nights at her girlfriend’s house because it was 'closer' to downtown and she didn’t have to drive that far.

Then I started uncovering things. It’s been such a painful process, full of deception and lies. First, she became a very distant person. She didn’t want any intimacy and even told me she doesn’t love me anymore. Keep in mind; this was two weeks after our wedding! Then I saw hidden photos hugging a guy in a nightclub. She claimed it was just innocent photos. Then I accidentally saw text messages on her phone between her and the same guy about any evening they spent together. She claimed it was just a drunk mistake - they kissed a couple of times but nothing else happened.

I grew really suspicious so I started digging. I never thought I’d resort to that but I was hurting so bad I had to know what really was going on so I started checking her correspondence. I didn’t trust my wife anymore. What I started uncovering was getting worse every day. Not only she slept with a guy, they’ve been in a serious relationship for over 4 months, seeing each other almost every other day, before and after our wedding! I was peeling it off layer by layer, finding more truth every day. Finally, I found out she is completely in love with the guy. I was devastated.

I was on the verge of filing for a divorce. I don’t know how but I found strength to forgive her. We spoke; and after many sleepless nights decided to give it a try. I told her that the only way I can move on if she severs all ties with her lover, never talks to him again, and doesn’t meet or spend time with members of opposite gender without me being present (she’s been going out to lunch with her 'guy friends' - another thing that she was doing) at least for a time being until we can regain the lost trust.

Unfortunately, more deception and lies continued. She has secretly removed her 'married' status on Facebook so I didn’t see the change but everyone else saw that she is no longer married. She has then put together a birthday greeting on her phone to her lover weeks before his birthday. When I saw it, my heart stopped. She has never written anything even close to that to me during the eight years we’ve been together. When I confronted her, she said she never intended to send it and it was just her way of getting 'closure'. After talking to her, I’ve learnt about how miserable she has been all these years and that she misses the sparks and attraction that we had when we initially met. She found same 'electricity' with this guy.

After all this, I started blaming myself for what has happened, for neglecting her all these years, and not paying enough attention to her. I really felt like I failed our marriage and I failed her. I promised myself to win her love and devotion back. I’ve worked my butt off for the past month, completely turning my life around, arranging unbelievable things for us, like romantic getaways out of this world. We were doing things that she loves doing and having a good time. I know I could have not done better but I know I probably rushed things. All I wanted was to rekindle that fire. It didn’t work. She said she needs to move out to her friend’s for a couple of weeks so that we can clear our heads. I agreed to that.


What happened next shook the entire crumbling foundation of any trust I had left for her. On our original marriage's anniversary, which also happens to fall on her lover’s birthday, she did send him the happy birthday message she has so thoughtfully composed weeks before. On top of that, she had a lunch with another 'guy friend' on the same day. Doing the two things she promised she wouldn’t on the day of our anniversary. This time I REALLY thought it was over but she came to see me asking for another chance and I gave it to her.

What makes things worse is that she has a friend (the copilot in all clubbing and the friend she has stayed with) who is unhappily married and in my opinion has serious issues with values. She is trying to force her husband out of her marriage, cheating on him and acting in ways that honestly make me sick. Unfortunately, all of that has been rubbing on off my wife. They both recently turned 30 and it seems that they think it is the last opportunity to feel young, sexy, wanted, etc. They’ve been going completely wild, crossing many boundaries that I find unethical and unacceptable. For a lack of a better word, I’ve never seen such behavior from my wife or anyone else, for that matter. It makes me sick.

She has stayed with her friend for the past two weeks. She has also undergone a breast-augmentation surgery (something she has planned for a while) and considering the circumstances, I thought was very distasteful. In any case, I supported her throughout the process and spend days caring after her at her friend’s house, feeding her, taking her for walks, doing her laundry while she was recovering. Regardless of what happened, I thought I had to be there for her and it felt good. We cleared our minds and actually somewhat grew closer together.

She moved back in yesterday. I really felt like a new beginning. Unfortunately, there is nothing new about it. I recently discovered that she is still talking to her lover (who calls to see how she is doing). She has written him messages about how she wants to be friends with him now. During the time she stayed with her friend she has been hanging out with other guys, communicating to them, and meeting with them on a frequent basis. In one of her messages she referred to me as her 'ex'. Saying she couldn’t meet with one of them because she had to take care of her 'ex'.

Yes, I had a heart attack at the age of 30 and ended up in a hospital. I didn’t tell her but I almost died that night. They barely saved my life; working on me for 6 hours in the emergency room. She didn’t even show up that night; stopping by the following night to bring me some clothes. How cynical is that? That’s why she couldn’t meet that 'guy friend', because she had to take care of her 'ex' who’s suffered a heart attack.

I have never felt so betrayed, humiliated, and disgraced in my whole life. The person who I thought I’d spend the rest of my life is turned out to be the most deceitful and dishonest person I have ever met. I feel sick and I feel used. I am still paying most of her bills and I feel the only reason she is still with me is because it would be hard for her to be on her own right now. Every time we’ve discussed the possibility of divorce, when that seemed to be the only option, she would back out and ask me to try and work things out.

During the past two months my mind has been telling me to end this. But I continue loving her with all my heart, despite seeing this monster that she has become. I really, really love her and I don’t know why. I love her with all my heart but she keeps breaking it every other day (literally smashing it into pieces and landing me in a hospital). I know I deserve much better than this. I am young, good looking and successful. I can have any woman I want, a woman who will love, cherish and respect me. The reason I had a heart attack is because I’ve been battling thoughts, feelings and emotions for over a month, trying to preserve my love for her, trying to forgive and forget. I even came across this quote that kind of changed my life and even sent it to her (she didn’t gratify it with a response, of course):

If you tell a beautiful woman that she is beautiful, what have you given her? It's no more than a fact and it has cost you nothing. To love a woman for her virtues is meaningless. She's earned it, it's a payment, not a gift. But to love her for her vices is a real gift, unearned and undeserved. To love her for her vices is to defile all virtue for her sake - and that is a real tribute of love, because you sacrifice your conscience, your reason, your integrity and your invaluable self-esteem.

My question is this: am I completely insane for trying to make it work or is it really over and I’ve been just blind refusing to admit it. Can it really get any worse than this? Is there anyone out there that can honestly say that this whole dysfunctional mess that is our marriage is worth trying to save?

Any help/advice or thoughts would be very much appreciated! Thank you!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

andysad,

This is a tough time for you. And I wish you all the best.

Based on what you've written, you are acting like her door mat. You created a boundary -- no more with this guy -- and when she crossed it you did nothing about it. There need to be consequences to her actions, so far there have been nothing. 

I'm not saying this to be mean. I've been in your shoes and went about things the wrong way -- by that I mean no consequences. 

Go read posts by Tanelornpete, Affaircare, and Tunera. I'm sure they will give you advice. Advice which you should heed and listen to and carry out.

But first things first, there is absolutely no chance at saving your marriage, if that is what you want, without her ceasing all contact with this guy, or any of the other guys. If she isn't willing to do this I would just say to her, "I love you, I want to be with you, but this behavior is unacceptable, when you cease all contact with all of these guys, I would be willing to work on our marriage, but until then I will not be with you. One of the consequences of your actions is that you can go live with your friend". Or something like that.

JMHO.

THis is a turtle race not a sprint. There will be many ups and downs through this. I hope you weather the storm.


----------



## andysad (Sep 29, 2010)

Thank you for your advice!


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have fought a noble fight and there is honor in that, even if the effort has failed. Your heart attack may have shown you the fragility of life. None of us know how long we have on earth. I would personally be unwilling to invest much (if any) more into this woman. You may deeply feel love but it's being squandered on someone who is unmoved by it. The world is full of great woman who long to receive such devotion. You are basically in love with a zombie, not really alive but not really dead, either. There are warm, flesh and blood people, capable of faithfulness, honesty, and reciprocation. Ok, she's got brand new hooties and I'm sure she's just gorgeous. What does that do for you? When you turn the lights off, she looks like every other woman. I'd rather have a loyal 2 on my arm than a disloyal 10 on someone else's.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you going to fight her CHEATING or not?


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Sounds to me like a typical affair - your spouse is using 'the script' that pretty much anyone who is cheating uses. 

Turnera's question stands: Are you willing to fight for your marriage?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is effecting your health, you are to young to be dealing with this cheater. You have no real investment in continuing with this marraige. I hate to say this but I see no reason to give this person your love. If the shoe was on the other foot your W would leave in a second. 
She is showing no respect and is using you for the security and a safe place when She needs to chile, then she gets back out doing what she feels like. 
You have been a bad husband BUT she has been a bad wife, you no longer are connecting to each other, how many chances are you willing to give, how many chances has she given you.
Rule #1. she has to stop all contact with these bad influences. She says she will, now you have to become the cheating police, fun times.
My take is she is really stuggeling with her behavior and until she want to change her life around she is not ready for the commitment. She never was, she just wanted to have a big party called a wedding.
I suggest you move on, let here mature and then see how her behaviors is, say in 10 years. 
You will struggle with this women for a long time or you work on your self, b/c you diserve good things. So beside the marriage thing, do you have any thing that you enjoy and makes you happy that you miss because all you do is deal with your W . If not, find some thing that is positive and enjoy it, like travel fishing, try house shopping ,alone.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok I've settled down,
Andy if you want to fight, Tanelornpete will make a great general for your battles, it will be along war, but there are alot of folks on this site that will help you win most of the battle, but you will also lose some. But that why We,re here.
I was one of the luck ones I didnt have to go to war, it just came together when I confronted my wife.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Ok I've settled down...


LOL!!! Actually - you hit on some major points in your previous post. Stuff that would be much of the focus, should this task be accepted....


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Based on what you posted it is obvious to me that she does not love you or even respect you. :wtf: She just needs someone to help with the bills. If you are that someone then stay and help her continue her affairs....if not then exit.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> If you are that someone then stay and help her continue her affairs....if not then exit...


There is a third alternative - can't figure out why people always ignore that one! 

1) Stay and help her continue her affairs
2) Leave
3) Stay and refuse to help her continue the affairs.

It's andysad's choice (the only bad choice would be #1) _Please don't choose door #1!_


----------

