# Please help. Not sure if it's worth it anymore...



## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

***PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE BUT ADVICE WOULD BE APPRECIATED***

Not sure if this marriage is worth it anymore. My husband and I have been married for going on 1.5 years. He put me through a huge stressor in the beginning of our marriage for something irrelevant to the current issue. It was very hard, but I forgave him. Then but less than one year into our marriage, the first incident occurred. Early in the week, he had been very mean toward me because he claims that I was out of town (visiting family) and he wanted me home. It just made feel very strange that he had been so mean. When I got home, he had gone out and left his facebook up. I started to wonder if perhaps his behavior was due to interest elsewhere, as this has happened acquaintances of mine. So I looked...and sure enough, he was saying all sorts of inappropriate things to another woman. He even was making plans to see her when he visited home. I promptly called him and told him it was over. Of course, he came home apologizing and begging, saying that he loves me and I am all he has. How he had no intention of meeting up the girl. He was drunk and upset that I wasn't there. I forgave him, but trust became an issue for me from that point.

The incident has made me insecure about our marriage and his value of me. Since then I look at his FB to make sure he isn't doing any foolishness. Fast forward to 3 or 4 months ago, he left his facebook logged in, and I looked only to see him flirting and saying little things to another girl. I told him about it, and he got angry with me and said that I have to stop snooping in his stuff. That's just his friend and they always speak in a certain way. She's getting married, and there is no interest. I apologized but still felt a way. 

Lately, he's been sweet as usual but very into his computer. It worries me, so I find myself checking here and there. Today, I look and he's talking to some female again. She created another email account for him and a skype name. He told her that I almost saw their conversation the other day. Mind you, this is around 2am. He also said something along the lines of "our love is between you and me." So what gives...

Additionally, my husband claimed to be "Christian" and emphasized how he wanted his children to be such before we got married, which is so important to me. He emphasized to me that though we are different denominations that foundation is in Christ and that is really what matters. I do believe that but it seems like he wasn't sincere at all. A little after our 1 year anniversary, he tells me that he's not really Christian anymore. He said how he thought he was when we met and got married but really being around me, he realized that he's not. He has little interest in Christianity or religion in general and has more criticism of my faith than anything positive. Of course, he always says he is joking. 

I'm just saddened and feel like giving up. I am not perfect but I am honestly a good wife. One shouldn't look at all the things they do for someone but he often tells me that he wouldn't be where he is without me. I have done all that is possible for him and to demonstrate my love for him. Surely it is not good to dig into ones personal account, but I want to protect myself from serious hurt or harm. But apparently he doesn't value me...

We have no children. Right now I am almost feeling like packing up and leaving and never having any communication other than the divorce proceeding. Reconciliation...is it even worth it?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Your correct, it's not worth it...he is a serial cheater and this is almost impossible to repair. 

You deserve so much more in a partner.....he will leave a wake of tears for any woman foolish enough to get caught up with him... 

If I was near, I would help you pack and never look back. 

A honest wife deserves a honest husband who doesn't have his eyes always on others.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Go with your feelng. Leave. Go far away.

The immature boy - yes boy - you married will still be a boy when he turns 50.By then he will have been divorced 4 or 5 times, and he will blame each and every one of his exs for "not being there for him".

By then, you won't even remember his face. You will shudder at the thought of what "would have been" as you hold your grandkid tight and thank the lord you left when you did.

Or you can put up with his jr. high attitude for a few more years, cry yourself to sleep. Keep finding more and more evidence of his lack of commitment until you think you've gone insane.

What's keeping you? Your real life is waiting outside the door. Open it and go.


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## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

Thank you for your responses. I am sad but rather now than later. Not sure why he does this because his foolishness can affect his career. It's sad...his own brother is tearing his family apart with cheating. Perhaps my husband feels I will be like his brother's wife and stay but not that's not me. She at least has all her family around. I have no one here with me.

The next step is getting myself prepared to leave...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Serene...

You may love your H but change has to come from within. Prepare the divorce papers and give him the 180. Stop forgiving him for cheating on you.

I had an XW that was doing a lot of the crap you are talking about. It is almost addictive I guess... Flirting on computer... It is cheating and it only escalates.

Your husband is being mean in order to intimidate you and control you so you wont get mad at him. Stand up to him and give him an ultimatum or simply leave. He has crossed the line in your marriage more than one and it's only 1.5 years... Wow it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I have to say I am pro marriage, but you are so new to it and there has always been strife... That is not good. If he can't be the man you were supposed to marry kick him to the curb!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Click on the two links on my sig line


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He was mean to you and quite by chance when you got back and he quite by chance wasn't there, and quite by chance he had left his Facebook page open at a page that, quite by chance, showed you evidence of his cheating.

And, quite by chance, I don't believe in coincidences...

What is his game? Does he want out of the marriage and does he want you to file?

What *is* he up to?:scratchhead:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Gather your strength and do what you know you need to do.

He is a serial cheater. He lies as easily as he breathes.

This will be nothing but heartache for you for however long you stay with him. 

It will never change.

You will never trust him. Nor should you.

Please pay attention that this is a particular type of person who is easily recognized by his behavior. The experienced people here have seen it time and time again. You need to trust what they say.


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## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

Yes, I realize that he isn't the type of person that really wants to do better in life. He claims that his parents only tolerated each other and that he wants better. But he himself doesn't seem to want to change himself to be a better husband or person. I really dislike when people want "the best" in a spouse but don't want to be a better person for them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

serenesoul said:


> Yes, I realize that he isn't the type of person that really wants to do better in life. He claims that his parents only tolerated each other and that he wants better. But he himself doesn't seem to want to change himself to be a better husband or person. I really dislike when people want "the best" in a spouse but don't want to be a better person for them.


:iagree:


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## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

So he's home...I'm withdrawn. He asked if I'm alright, I said fine. He said he's going to upset if there is something we need to discuss and I don't say anything. The thing is that I'm really focused on school right now. This whole thing is huge hindrance right now. This cannot affect my studies.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

if there are these problems now they will only get worse. i have been married 15 years and 4 kids later and when you find out about affair at 13 years that happened around 10 years of marriage thats hard enough......

but you have an opportunity now..... to go or say this is over and stop doing it or i will go 

as hard as it is....

sometimes some people can be so cruel and youre just expected to be the good wife and and stay by their side......


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

I thought my wife was a Christian too...but that didn't seem to disway her in the slightest from having two online affairs, the first with a married man and five months later I found out she was putting on cam shows for another guy. 

While my faith is still strong, my trust of anyone else claiming to be a Christian is incredibly tainted now. It was one of the things I was most hesitant about even calling myself a Christian, the hypocrisy and disregard for what that means when it comes down to it on the part of so many.

Can't expect you to take this advice, as I didn't on here after my wife's first affair, but I would say cut your losses and run. This thing is already off to a highly questionable start, you're lucky there aren't children involved yet. Do his actions match your dream of how a loyal, loving husband would behave?

You deserve better than this. Anyone would.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

StillLife said:


> I thought my wife was a Christian too...but that didn't seem to disway her in the slightest from having two online affairs, the first with a married man and five months later I found out she was putting on cam shows for another guy.
> 
> While my faith is still strong, my trust of anyone else claiming to be a Christian is incredibly tainted now. It was one of the things I was most hesitant about even calling myself a Christian, the hypocrisy and disregard for what that means when it comes down to it on the part of so many.
> 
> ...


My faith has changed. I gave up my ordination last year. I was a minister and chaplain for years and then I went into counseling. My wife hooked up with married "Christians" online then one went PA. The OM wrote in his FB (it is still there) months before he met my wife that the devil had control of his life and now he is changed. Yea, right. A few months after that statement he is banging my wife.

I am typically pro R but in your case cut it off. I am learning that folks your age value privacy and that "snooping" is something that is looked upon as wrong. To me all things should be opened in a marriage, particularly FB, phones, computers, etc. I have read, "I know it was wrong, but I looked at my husband's/wife's FB account, or his/her phone", for me this is not wrong so I never get the idea of how wrong this is but I see it here on TAM. 

I would go cold on him for a while, put a keylogger on his computer and a VAR in his car. IMO I would get hard evidence. Save it and walk out and never look back. I would not even share the information with him. Tell him he can have his bimbos but you are going to go have fun in life without him. You have one life to live and 1.5 years into a marriage, no kids, and with his actions, move on.

You can do better and you will get over this.


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## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

I drew up the divorce papers and gave it to him. He refused to sign them and a long discussion ensued. He has been very forthcoming and apologetic about his emotional affairs. He says I do have the right to transparency. He wants to get counseling and work it out.

The issue is that I really don't see any incentive in staying with him. We don't have kids. Just to remain married? Save face? It doesn't work like that for me. Perhaps if we had Christianity as a foundation but that is no longer there. Just don't see it...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Manipulation at it's best. Wait for the guilt trip cards to be played. The "you're unfair" and "you're unforgiving" cards are next. 

Talk to a family law lawyer and see how you proceed. Let him prove he can become a better human. He shouldn't do it for you. He should do it for himself. But he won't. Don't bother with him anymore.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Why can't people who respond to your thread quote your original post? Or add ANY quotes? It's not clear if you were referring to only your first post or any post on your thread.

I never saw a request like that before.

There's good reason for quoting someone's post when replying, in fact most if not almost every single one of my replies always include a quote for clarification.

I was going to quote the part of your post where you specifically request that no one quote but then I'd be breaking your rules, but it's a good example of how it would make my post clearer for everyone else, who might have missed it in your first post. At least one person did and maybe two depending on whether you were talking about not quoting you versus anyone.


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## serenesoul (Jan 19, 2013)

^^^That was just in case I ever wanted to delete everything.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

As the saying goes, when people show you who they are ...believe them. Please do not let this man continue to deceive and manipulate you. 
You have been married less than two years, this should be a happy time filled with love and laughter, creating happy memories to sustain you through difficult times in the years to come. Sadly, he is already gas lighting you about his "friend", and treating you badly. You deserve better than this. Respect yourself, he doesn't.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

serenesoul said:


> ^^^That was just in case I ever wanted to delete everything.


The only thing you should be considering deleting is your marriage...


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