# H's problem with me looking on his phone



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yesterday ny H passed me his phone while he was driving to call his dad. I did and when done I started looking through his call logs.

I used to check up a lot but now a few months after I really only ever browse through if I happen to have his phone like yesterday. 

He asked what I was doing, I said looking at the calls. Why, he asked. For reassurance I replied.

He asked for his phone back and I gave it to him. I asked why so possessive of it?

He said he hates people looking through his phone and I knew that (!) He got all defensive and asked did I not trust him? I had to think, said I pretty much mostly trusted him yes. Said again I was looking for reassurance. Said what about transparency? Said it shouldn't be a problem, I've seen him plenty of times pick up my phone and look through it, it was fine with me.

He asked why didn't I trust him completely by now? I somewhat cynically said you should never trust anyone 100%, we are human and fallible. Said he never thought he was capable of betrayal but he did things he wouldn't have thought he'd do? That it's up to each of us to have boundaries and control things.

He then started going on about a couple of guys I have mentioned recently who I felt had the hots for me, saying he should be worried then if we're all fallible? I said no. I have boundaries and the most I can do is live within them and be true and respectful of our marriage.

Sorry it's a bit rambling but here's my questions...

1. Trust. I think he thinks transparency is up til I trust completely then everything goes back to how it was. I want transparency as a "feature" of our marriage. Openness all ways without being accussed of snooping. How do I get him to understand this and is it reasonable for me to want?

2. How do you respond when your spouse says they should be concerned of you around the opposite sex because of what *they* did? I actually got really angry at that queztioning of my integrity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> 1. Trust. I think he thinks transparency is up til I trust completely then everything goes back to how it was. I want transparency as a "feature" of our marriage. Openness all ways without being accussed of snooping. How do I get him to understand this and is it reasonable for me to want?


You don`t need to make him understand.
It`s a boundary you need to remain in the relationship.
Its that simple.
Truthfully, I believe the only reason for wanting your "privacy" where a phone or computer is concerned is because you`re up to no good.



> 2. How do you respond when your spouse says they should be concerned of you around the opposite sex because of what *they* did? I actually got really angry at that queztioning of my integrity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don`t give such an implication the validation of any answer other than laughter and a pitiful smirk.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Ah yeah I see re: wanting the transparency. I hadn't thought of it like that.

I honestly don't think he has anything to hide. It is easy enough to check his cellphone records to see who he has been calling or messaging. I do from time to time but haven't seen anything that worries me. Obviously I xan't see *what* he is saying but that doesn't bother me so much. I think he just wants privacy I guess. Though thinking about it I'm not sure what he would need to keep to himself...

Eta: I should clarify, he was "implying" that maybe he should be worried about me round other guys if "everyone is fallible." He didn't actually say he should be worried because of what he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Eta: I should clarify, he was "implying" that maybe he should be worried about me round other guys if "everyone is fallible." He didn't actually say he should be worried because of what he did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understood from the situation you described but it`s still kind of a cheap little jab considering his situation.

He has no right to even allude to the possibility without some evidence that you were leaning that way.

I don`t doubt that he has nothing to hide at this point but it`s a good idea to rid him of this idea that there are parts of his life that are "off limits" to you such as this whole "privacy" thing.
I think I have a problem with it because Ive never seen it in my marriage.

"Privacy" has never come up in 13 years so if it were to raise it`s head I`d be all over investigating everything.

To me "privacy" is closing the bathroom door when I`m taking a dump in the morning, not getting antsy because she`s scrolling through my call logs.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My fWW asked me that one time a few months after DDay. I gave her this Tommy Lee look:










She never asked that silly question again. I pick it up anytime I want to look at it and she says not a word, even leaves it lying around and even forgot to take it to work.

This is the look you should be giving this rug sweeper and his "get over it already" attitude. No empathy for your feelings at all. I have serious doubts about this R.










He should be falling all over himself trying to rebuild trust with you. It's disturbing to know that he already feels self entitled to your trust so soon.


----------



## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Agree it should be a given about the phone, it should always be okay to look. So far my H still passes up his phone no question, but if I want to look at his call log in 5 or 15 years it should still be okay. And the same goes for my cellphone.

Side note, I'm on my iPad and couldn't see the image LordMayhem posted until I clicked on it. I fully expected a Motley Crue pick of Tommy Lee. Let's just say Tommy Lee Jones does a much better "Seriously?" face. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

27 months past Dday and my wife has no problem whatsoever if I want to look at her phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> 27 months past Dday and my wife has no problem whatsoever if I want to look at her phone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

walkingwounded is only a few months past DDay and judging by her other posts, this WH is hardly even trying. Big time rug sweeper to be sure. Won't even go to bed with her and no empathy at all.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> 27 months past Dday and my wife has no problem whatsoever if I want to look at her phone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here. All I have to do is say hand me your phone.


----------

