# Please help....at a loss.



## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

Hello everyone, 

I am new to this message board, and I’m reaching out for some advice. I have been married for 12 years and have two girls (9 and 7). 
My husband and I have had trouble throughout our marriage including: financial trouble (in which I was blamed for spending too much money), not seeing eye to eye on parenting, me feeling isolated from my family, his bad temper, and anger issues. 

In the past, my husband has told me I’m disgusting while I eat, I need to fix the kids’ hair differently, I should turn my camera around while on FaceTime so people around him can’t see my face without makeup, told me he won’t have sex with me unless I shower, and many other things. 

After confronting him and telling him these things hurt my feelings, he insists I am trying to silence him and not let him have an opinion on anything. He also never spends time with our kids, making excuses for things he has to do around the house. He yells at them, spanks them, and intimidates them. 

He doesn’t have any friends, and all of his family lives in Mexico. 

I guess I feel bad for him, because he doesn’t have any support. That’s why I don’t leave. I had a talk with him yesterday, and said things aren’t working. He said if we get a divorce, he’s moving away somewhere warm to go and “find himself.” (We live in a big Midwestern city). I feel that this is a way to manipulate me into letting him stay. 

I am at a loss at what to do. Especially during a pandemic. This all sucks. 

Thanks for listening.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Who cares if he doesn't have any support? That's his problem, not yours. What has he even done over the years to deserve your support? Beating you down to the point that you're afraid to leave and have no self-worth doesn't count. You are worth more than this and you deserve better than this, so do your daughters.

Why are you allowing your daughters to live like this? Right now, it looks like you care more about your husband's wellbeing than your children's. Get them out of this situation, asap. They have a father who mentally abuses their mother, yells at them, intimidates them, and even HITS them. And yes, spanking is hitting. A different label doesn't make it any better. 

Right now, by staying, you are showing your girls what to accept in a relationship. Is this the type of relationship you want them to have? I know the answer is "NO!". You need to stop teaching your daughters that this is normal and acceptable, and you need to stop allowing this man to abuse your children. This will affect them for the rest of their lives, and it's just going to get worse the longer you allow it to go on. 

He wants to move away to find himself? Hell, I'd gladly pack his things for him and buy his ticket. You and your girls would be far better off.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sad teacher said:


> I guess I feel bad for him, because he doesn’t have any support. That’s why I don’t leave. I had a talk with him yesterday, and said things aren’t working. He said if we get a divorce, he’s moving away somewhere warm to go and “find himself.” (We live in a big Midwestern city). I feel that this is a way to manipulate me into letting him stay.


Oh my goodness, do you know what I would have done if MY stbx husband had told me he would go away and "find himself" if I wanted a divorce...?? I would have filed immediately and thrown a party!!! 
If he really means it, that is a GIFT -- take advantage of that as soon as you can...unless you want to live with him like this for the rest of your life.

Why do you feel worse for him than you do for yourself or your girls for having to live with someone like him? He isn't the only person in your household who deserves to have his needs and feelings cared for...but that's what you are doing - you are putting him first, when he shouldn't even be on the list.


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## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

Thank you both for your input. With all of the things he has done, it’s difficult for me to forget. I do believe that I should move forward, but it’s pretty scary for me. I haven’t been alone in a long time, but I do have to do what is best for my kids and myself. He does have his moments where he is happy and spends time with us, but it’s very rare. I guess I just long for more moments like that. He tells me my expectations of him and people in general are too high. How the hell do I even approach that? Ugh. Thanks again for replying.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So being alone is worse then this?

You're telling a bully that your feelings are hurt? What is that supposed to accomplish, besides letting you be a martyr?

What will you do when your daughters find men who treat them like ****?


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## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> So being alone is worse then this?
> 
> You're telling a bully that your feelings are hurt? What is that supposed to accomplish, besides letting you be a martyr?
> 
> What will you do when your daughters find men who treat them like ****?


You’re absolutely right. I’m just being honest about what’s happening. Thank you for your input.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sad teacher said:


> You’re absolutely right. I’m just being honest about what’s happening. Thank you for your input.


As am i. I'm a blunt person but I want the best for you.

Unfortunately that involves shedding the martyr complex and toughening up. I know because I dumped my kids father....I did not wish for my boys to treat women like he treated me.

They've since grown into fine young men.

When you have children you sometimes have to make hard decisions. Any guy who would take off doesn't give a flying **** about his kids anyway and they're better off without him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sad teacher said:


> Thank you both for your input. With all of the things he has done, it’s difficult for me to forget. I do believe that I should move forward, but it’s pretty scary for me. I haven’t been alone in a long time, but I do have to do what is best for my kids and myself. He does have his moments where he is happy and spends time with us, but it’s very rare. I guess I just long for more moments like that. He tells me my expectations of him and people in general are too high. How the hell do I even approach that? Ugh. Thanks again for replying.


I don't doubt for a second that leaving is scary for you, but this relationship is scary as well. He clearly has anger problems and you don't know when that will escalate or how much, and if that will be on you or your daughters. Never say never... 

He might have his (rare) good moments, most people and relationships are not _all _good or _all _bad. The good doesn't outweigh or erase the bad though, and the good moments should happen FAR more frequently than the bad. You CAN have those good moments again, but only when you leave and (after time and therapy) find another man. 

He thinks your expectations of him are too high? His expectations for himself are FAR too low. There is no point approaching that with him. Arguing with people like this is useless. You won't win until you leave.


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## Sad teacher (Feb 7, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> As am i. I'm a blunt person but I want the best for you.
> 
> Unfortunately that involves shedding the martyr complex and toughening up. I know because I dumped my kids father....I did not wish for my boys to treat women like he treated me.
> 
> ...


I completely agree. 100%. I definitely appreciate direct conversation, and that’s why I came here.  I need someone to be blunt with me! Thank you!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sad teacher said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am new to this message board, and I’m reaching out for some advice. I have been married for 12 years and have two girls (9 and 7).
> My husband and I have had trouble throughout our marriage including: financial trouble (in which I was blamed for spending too much money), not seeing eye to eye on parenting, me feeling isolated from my family, his bad temper, and anger issues.
> ...


No matter what he says he's going to do, if you two have children together he will not be allowed to move away and just abandon them. Although if he is abusive to them as it sort of sounds like, maybe you should request full custody or have court mandated rules where he can only see them if there is someone else there so that he can't abuse them. But if you are in the US, he can't just run off without paying child support. They will take it out of his pay, meaning the state. You won't have to get it from him. if he changes jobs or runs out on it they can put him in jail. 

What you need to do is talk to a family law attorney.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

To be blunt he sounds like a creep. 

It's probably not good for this to be the primary relationship modeled for your daughters.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

He sounds like an abusive a**hole - 

Ask yourself if you could list his good qualities? My guess is you can't as anyone with good qualities wouldn't behave as he does. Sounds like he's a nightmare to the kids also. Why would him moving away to somewhere warm bother you? The farther the better for you and your kids. You might want to sit down and decide whether your marriage is worth the abuse and whether the abuse of your daughters is worth it. This kind of man can have a terrible impact on the growth and development of little girls.


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