# So What Now - I Feel Like Nothing & Nobody



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, here I am again and I now feel unloved, undesired, unwanted, and like a worthless piece of s***.

My husband and I had a chat about our sex life and this is how it went. I got a lot of cruel, hurtful truths and now don't know what to do or where to go.

My husband stated that in the 100% that makes up his life, importance was divided out as 60% trying to recover from his brain injury, 20% try to fix the problems he has with trust, temper, mood swings, etc., 19% was trying to find a better life that fit in with his limitations so that he can enjoy it, and 1% involved me.

He told me that in that 1% that belonged to me (woot, woot), he did love me, a lot, in his words, but that 99% of his focus was on him and how to recover and how to get a better quality of life for himself and that he just wouldn't and couldn't focus on my issues, my emotions or my needs right now.

I approached him about being on the computer on porn all the time and he said, well you are too. I pointed out to him that I'm only on porn when I have to take care of myself because he rejected me again, not as a replacement for him. He said, I don't look at it all the time (he's a damn liar) and that I like to occasionally look at naked women. I then asked why he couldn't also look at this naked woman (me) too. He got a funny look and asked me if I really wanted the truth and I said yes, even if it hurts.

Well, he said that my stomach grosses him out. You see, I had babies and gained a LOT of weight and it was all in my stomach. So when I had my babies and lost all the weight, my stomach looks about as bad as Kate (on Kate & Jon plus 8 when she had her tummy tuck). It hangs over my pubic area and on to the top of my thighs. He's right - it looks gross to me. But I couldn't believe he was that shallow. So I told him so. And he said maybe he was, but he couldn't help it. So I asked him if it would help if I covered it up and he said no, that sex and me were only 1% of the issues he was trying to deal with and they were not his priority. So I said, if sex isn't your priority, then why the porn? He never really gave me a good answer, just told me if it bothered me that much to just turn the internet off.

I did ask him if he expected us to live in a sexless marriage and he said no and that he never said that. 

At the end of our discussion, this is what he left me with (his words - not my interpretation).

1. You are only 1% of my life right now, I have too many issues to deal with.
2. I love you, but I don't care if you leave - I have too many issues to deal with.
3. If you want to leave you know where the suitcases and car are, I won't stop you - I have too many issues to deal with.
4. My focus right now is on me, if you can deal with that, great, if not, then you know where the door is.
5. I will punish you for what I believe was your dissmisal of me (see other post) when I first had my injury until I feel I've punished you enough, you don't like it, tough s***, you know where the door is.
6. You can't spend anymore time in my man cave and I won't got into the family room to spend time with you, so guess we're not spending time together.
7. Quit taking care of me because everytime you do it pisses me off and reminds me of when you didn't.

I don't know how to respond to that. My counselor has recommended leaving or taking a lover (seriously). But, I can't do either. I couldn't sleep with someone behind his back, without his knowledge, as I consider that cheating and the guilt would eat me up; I love him and don't want to leave and it would destroy me if we were to break up (really).

So - he has an appt with his counselor Thursday and I have one right behind his. I'm going to discuss this with him. The counselor is a neuro-psychologist and has told me that injuries to the brain can do funny things and that it's very difficult for those that have to take care of someone who has had a brain injury because it can affect so many aspects and facets of who they are and their behavior.

I'm pretty calm this morning. I kissed him goodbye before I went to work and told him I hoped he felt better (he was sick during the night), and he said I hope you do too.

I didn't wear my wedding ring to work this morning, after last night I thought it would be a farce.

I guess these are the choices I have:

1. Live in a sexless marriage until my "punishment" is over and he decides that we should resume our once active sex life.
2. Take a lover and not wait on him to get his crap together.
3. Realize that most of this is not his fault and I need to be just patient and loving.
4. Leave.

And this is what I think I want to do:

1. Wait and see how long it takes and just masturbate the hell out of myself.
2. I can't do this, too much guilt so NO
3. I can do this but not sure I can keep taking this crap, my self-esteem is starting to crack again.
4. Leave - can't do this either so NO

I just really hate my life right now and just wish it was over and done with - everything sucks.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Just because he says it does not make it true.

Remember, he does have a serious brain injury. 

But even if true, you still have options that you haven't considered.

You can get a tummy tuck type surgery, for example.

I don't think you should have to live a life so sadly for much longer. something has to change FOR YOU. 

Yes, he has to recover for himself, but you do not have to endure what he shoves at you in his 1%.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I can get a tummy tuck, he has the money, but won't pay for it, so I'm going to borrow it whether he likes it or not and if he leave, when then I'll have a flat tummy for the next guy.

I'm just so sick of this s***. I've been putting up with it for a year now, its a wonder I haven't slit my wrists yet (it was considered a few months back, but I got through that - so don't worry).

I just want my husband to love me - is that too much to ask?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

IMO, you are doing too much damage to yourself by staying. I know he has health issues but he doesn't even seem to be trying to have a relationship with you. if you don't leave I suggest you do like him and put 99% focus on yourself. Workout, be selfish and get a tummy tuck if you want it, read, travel, etc. just put the focus on yourself for a while.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

If I understand you the way I THINK I do (and I sure could be wrong) you've always been the nurturing kind...the caretaking kind. I might personally believe that your husband always had the upper hand in the marriage b/c it just seems to me that he would be the one that could move on easier if the marriage dissolved. I believe the person who can move on easier has the upper hand in the marriage. 
I see #1 and #3 as your options, if you're dedicated to remaining in the marriage. And yes, your self esteem is going to take a beating. I'm not throwing a 2x4 at you for that, mine would as well. Would he REALLY let you go that easily? It honestly wouldn't matter to him if you left? It's easy to say the words...harder to live the outcome. 
If it were ME...I'd go somewhere for a coupla weeks. I'd just take some time to myself, to soothe myself and do some heavy thinking. A respite, so to speak. Even just a week. But then you'd run the risk of him possibly finding out that he DOES like just being to himself, and focusing on himself only. He might not want you to return. For me personally, that's a risk I'd be willing to take. I understand that you can't do that. 
You seem to be a really nice person, and I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

One problem from what I understand about TBI, recovery is not a given. That is one big forever IF he recovers. My father never did though his injury was very severe.

At the other end, after all his priorities are met, IF he still wants to get in the game, you will have built up a bunch of resentment, habits of a dysfunctional sort will have formed. You will have even more on your plate to deal with... I would not expect him to just recover and say Hey I am Back! 

I am not sure the reasons for being unable to leave. No one can decide that but you. I can see that an injury would lead you to think on your sickness and health vow. But it sounds also like he is basically abandoning you, breaking his marital vows of love and cherish. CAN he fail to abandon you? Does his TBI MAKE him not be able to be there for you? I don't know. Maybe you don't either.

Would it be helpful for you to be talking about these issues with a professional therapist?

Also, I am not sure about the taking a lover thing. Normally that would strike me as a bad idea. But would he PERMIT you to? Ask him, so you want me to stick around until you get better without my needs being met, how do you feel about my getting them met elsewhere? If he is really only 1% invested in you, that MAY actually work? I don't know. Probably talking smack.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Your in counseling. Brain fart.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> My counselor has recommended leaving or taking a lover (seriously).


That's a horrible idea, open marriages can work only if both parties have a strong relationship to begin with, not this.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If he is talking smack - it sure hurts, like I've actually been smacked.

I can't leave and won't leave - that decision has already been made, I just am trying to figure out how to stay and not go postal on myself or him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I only wish I can help you MarriedWifeInLove, but that goes for a lot of people's problems >.<!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I like Kobo's advice except I think you can do all those things while staying in the marriage (not a new man, of course), at least for now. Really work on seeing him as the very damaged person he is right now, more like a nurse with a chronically ill and cranky patient. Can you think of it as just a job for now? He really is not himself and may never be, but it is quite possible the ugly side of him will disappear, a lot, if he has time to come to grips with his new reality. Taking care of yourself right now, without adding the disruption of divorce or distraction of someone new, would be a great thing to do for yourself.

But definitely get the tummy tuck, b/c that much skin can become a health issue. And, as you said, it will look nicer for a new man if it ever gets to that point.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Do you have a hitachi magic wand?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Do you have a hitachi magic wand?


I've got LOTS of toys (for him and me). Pretty much anything that moves will get me off and I have been using them regularly, but I'm so lonely for his touch - its pitiful, I feel like an idiot that I need him this much.

I've already been working on the tummy tuck issue (for me), but its slow going - it has to be deemed medically necessary and I'm working on that through the VA. It weighs about 20 lbs (they weighed it) and is causing me some slight back problems, but the VA has to take it step-by-step - x-rays of the back, consultation with a surgeon, looking at how much and how big it is, etc., etc. They said it could take months and still not be approved.

But I told my hubby last night that I would borrow the $$ if I had to and if he didn't like it he could leave, the next man would - he said nothing.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I haven't called him today like I normally do to check on him - I'm not trying to punish him, it's just that I'm so hurt I don't want to talk with him, hell I don't even want to go home and just sit in the family room by myself like I'm home alone.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Guess I should change my signature, I have an extremely bad attitude right now!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, just got a strange phone call from my husband.

He asked if I was coming home after work - I said yes and he said right home? I said yes again.

He said good, don't stop anywhere I need you to come straight home I'm having a lot of emotional problems today and I need your help.

WTF - after last night he needs my help now - I'm heading up that roller coaster again...


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