# In-house Separation empty nest



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

For a variety of reasons I believe the next best step is an in-house separation. While there is a ton of info about separating, I haven’t found much on an in-house separation.

Advice like setting ground rules similar to expectations one might have of a room mate seems wise. But after soooo many years together is it wise to get so specific as to which refrigerator shelves are mine or his?

Seeking how to books specifically on this, as well as personal experience of others.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Is in-house separation really a separation?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

BigToe said:


> Is in-house separation really a separation?


From a legal standpoint, I think it depends.

In the state where we filed, we were required to be separated for a year before we could divorce. I lived in the guest house, and he was in the main house with the children.

Our maid testified at our divorce hearing that we had lived apart for that year, and I think that 'apart' simply meant not in the sharing a bedroom - though the design of our house made that a little easier for the court to understand.

Then we continued living this way for the next 3 years as divorced.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

BigToe said:


> Is in-house separation really a separation?


Yes in my state.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I did in-house separation for around six months before he moved out. Are you thinking about short-term or long-term separation? Divorce in the future or not? Or unsure at this point? Because my in-house separation was always meant to be short-term leading to divorce, it was slightly more tolerable than I imagine long-term separation to be. However, it was always awkward. We didn't set ground rules. I stopped doing all the ten million things for him that I had always done and he had to pick up the slack which he hated. He had never done anything at all for me so no loss there. We became like roommates who didn't like each other. 

We had a large two-story house but I found the house became very small once the separation went into effect. He began spending more and more time away from home as the separation progressed and that helped a lot because neither of us was comfortable around each other by that point. I made an effort to avoid him and I'm sure he did the same. I was thrilled when he moved in with his newly acquired gf.

It can be done but it's tough. Maybe with enough time it becomes the new norm but I never got that far. I just wanted it over and done with and that didn't come soon enough for me.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I did in-house separation for around six months before he moved out. Are you thinking about short-term or long-term separation? Divorce in the future or not? Or unsure at this point? Because my in-house separation was always meant to be short-term leading to divorce, it was slightly more tolerable than I imagine long-term separation to be. However, it was always awkward. We didn't set ground rules. I stopped doing all the ten million things for him that I had always done and he had to pick up the slack which he hated. He had never done anything at all for me so no loss there. We became like roommates who didn't like each other.
> 
> We had a large two-story house but I found the house became very small once the separation went into effect. He began spending more and more time away from home as the separation progressed and that helped a lot because neither of us was comfortable around each other by that point. I made an effort to avoid him and I'm sure he did the same. I was thrilled when he moved in with his newly acquired gf.
> 
> It can be done but it's tough. Maybe with enough time it becomes the new norm but I never got that far. I just wanted it over and done with and that didn't come soon enough for me.


This is pretty much me, although, last night he thought it appropriate to come into bed with me at 2 a.m. in the morning thinking I'd give him "some". Go figure...#smh

Anyway, in-house separation is really stressful. In our state, you have to be in separate domiciles for a YEAR before filing for divorce. So once our separation papers are complete, he will move out. We have a large home, but that space just got really "tiny" when we had to be around each other.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hi Anon! You have to give us more of an update than that. Or at least PM me.

My ex h and I had an in house separation and then a separate house separation, before finally getting a D. However at the time our goal was not D, we were trying to work out a marriage with separate households. I would not have done the in house separation at all if I thought at the time we were headed for a D. Instead I would have just focused on a separate house separation leading to D.

So what’s your goal or your feelings about the direction the separation will take you? Are you thinking there is still a chance to work things out?

Are you looking for work or do you already have some income outside of H? The money part seems it could be an issue, but maybe you two have that part worked out. If it was me, I’d worry that he would start getting weird about money if he felt it was all “his” money now that you’ve separated in house and may look down his nose at what I wanted to spend or something. Since you would now have separate interests as far as how money should be spent it seems this could be an issue.

As for shelves in the fridge....you’ll have to play it by ear with stuff like that. If you end up squabbling over those types of things you can make more ground rules as needed.

If either of you are going to go out and socialize separately, then you may need some guidelines about not being disrespectful by coming home late and making a bunch of noise when you get back. 

And I don’t know if this would even come up, but you may need rules about being discreet if you are seeing someone else. 

Bottom line is that if it’s what you both want, you can find a way to do it gracefully.

What do the kids know or think?

I don’t know if you’ve seen any of my recent updates, but ex h and I are hanging out a lot lately, we are very close, and still in love actually. We may even end up back together...but right now we are just happy to be close friends and are not rushing anything.

If we do end up back together, we will still have separate residences, and we know things would be different this time. That’s my update...need yours!!


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I think an in-house separation requires both of you to have your own space, and not share any space most of the time. Hard to do in most houses.

I did this for ~6 months before purchasing a home and moving out. The divorce was underway. We got along, on the surface, for the sake of the kids. It was a big house - I had the entire lower level which had a separate kitchen, family room, 2 bedrooms, bathroom, entrance. There was no need to interact with him. He had the rest of the house - bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen, family rooms, etc. 

We did not have to share a kitchen, but I think I could have dealt with that. About once a week we did have dinner together as a family. I ended up moving a couple of blocks away and we shared custody of the kids 50/50.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Not sure if happy or sad, just thinking of you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Not sure if happy or sad, just thinking of you.


Me too, Anon Pink. It has to be hard. Take care of yourself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I’m sorry it has reached that point AP. 




Anon Pink said:


> For a variety of reasons I believe the next best step is an in-house separation. While there is a ton of info about separating, I haven’t found much on an in-house separation.
> 
> Advice like setting ground rules similar to expectations one might have of a room mate seems wise. But after soooo many years together is it wise to get so specific as to which refrigerator shelves are mine or his?
> 
> Seeking how to books specifically on this, as well as personal experience of others.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Damn, AP. 

Sorry to hear it has come to this...yet it is not unexpected.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It rarely works. I know several couples who tried it and they all ended up with one leaving. Unless you have a massive house or a house with a completely separate annexe, I cant see how its a separation at all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes in my state.


In your state of mind, mind you if I may ask.

Do you think reading TAM all this time affected your present dissatisfaction with your SO?
Affected your state of mind relative to your 'latest' relationship.

Did it awaken and expose latent thoughts about your SO.
About life, about what is good in a man, what is a good life?

Think about this.

I have.

Coming to TAM, finding this blog is often done so by outside influences. So as to steer you in some direction. The forces without have a fate for you that is presently unknown to you.

Again, think about this.
I hope I am not talking over your head.

We are not in charge of our destiny. Not totally.

SunCMars-


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry you two aren't working.

I don't have experience with in house separation but I also don't know your goals.

What are your plans going forward?

Stay healthy!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> For a variety of reasons I believe the next best step is an in-house separation. While there is a ton of info about separating, I haven’t found much on an in-house separation.
> 
> Advice like setting ground rules similar to expectations one might have of a room mate seems wise. But after soooo many years together is it wise to get so specific as to which refrigerator shelves are mine or his?
> 
> Seeking how to books specifically on this, as well as personal experience of others.


Hi AP, long time no see. Just popping in to your thread mostly to say hi and . . . 

I think in house separation will be hard unless you both are on board with wanting it and thinking it's a good next step. Are you both on the same page, or is this is step you are unilaterally deciding on? If you husband doesn't agree with you, is he at least willing to try to respect your wishes and adhere to the "rules," or is he going to be going about business as usual while it's all on you to create and maintain the separation? 

If you don't mind me asking, what are your reasons for choosing in-house separation over physical separation, in which one of you moves out? Is it purely financial, or are you (or the two of you) still trying to decide what to do with the marriage?

Take care of yourself. 
GI


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

We had to do this while our house was on the market. It was a nightmare and both of us ended up hating each other so much that we have NC now. But...you do what you have to do...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's difficult to do even as a short-term goal with divorce in sight as was my situation. However, there are couples who do in-house separation for years. Or even for the rest of their lives. Usually when it's long-term there are financial reasons for staying and maybe with a lot of time it becomes easier. I have a family member who's done that for decades but they're an unusual couple. I found it very difficult to accept all those adjustments that ripped apart a long marriage while still living together. I was at my absolute worst during those months. I doubt I could have lived that way long-term. I hope you don't have to.


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## Confusedwife20 (Jul 19, 2018)

I think it really depends on your relationship. I haven't read your previous posts so I'm not sure about that. Let me tell you about my situation and maybe it will help.
I've been married for 20 years with my spouse for over 25 he is a huge part of my life and really was my best friend.
However, he has done me wrong on multiple occasions and I have finally had enough and told him I was done. I was going to file for divorce but after many considerations decided that a separation in home might be best for now. My son is 15 and will be out of the home in a few years. I care about my H but no longer want to be his W. He has ruined that. After all these years I couldn't just throw him out on the street knowing he couldn't afford to live on his own. We decided to put a small apartment or in law suite in the basement for my H, it cost less than $2500 since we had friends who could help. All of the utilities are run off of the main house. He pays half the utilities and 1/2 mortgage. Ultimately this helps me out while allowing him to save up money. He's also still on my health insurance because it's free. He pays me a monthly fee for child support to help take care of my son. We are in the same house but we are separate. We really do not need to see each other on a daily basis, although he does still try to make contact with me frequently. I know this is not an option for everyone but I am thankful that I was able to do it. I am trying to set a good example for my kids. Even when someone you care about does you wrong, you don't have to become a lesser person yourself. 
I am just done. But he isn't and he is still trying to make it work. That part can be very frustrating. 
It's only been a few weeks though so check back in a few months and I might have a different take on it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

^^^^^^

That was the hard part in the beginning for me. My husband kept trying to change my mind and after all the opportunities he had had before that I was not interested in listening. Living in the same house made that tiresome. Of course, he soon gave up and found a new gf (he had already dumped his AP).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wow. Got to be hard but doing things when necessary and possible can be accomplished. I've no experience in this, but personally observed 4 divorces growing up.

As an older M now, married 33 yrs, I'd think it would all depend on your (both) expectations. 

Just good thoughts your way. 😍😍


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We did an in-house separation for nearly 6 months. I slept in the guest room. She wanted me to stay until our son was settled into school again in the fall, and I agreed. Nothing really changed, although I started looking at real estate, and started browsing dating sites. She wanted a last ditch counseling attempt, and I also agreed to that - it didn't change anything, of course. I continued my individual counseling which continued to affirm my decision to leave. We were amicable for the most part during all this, else I'd have left regardless of her wishes for me to delay moving out.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is the design of your house such that one person can have one area and another person has another? Like if your upstairs has a gameroom, then that is his area to hang out in and you get the downstairs living room. 

The common areas like the kitchen/laundry will be problematic. Perhaps setup even/odd days as to who gets to use them on which day.

No guests at the house, not even friends. No socializing at the house.

This is going to be a challenge even in the best circumstances. Considering that relationship issues have led to this moment, a lot is going to depend on how selfless each of you can be. Probably the more you can design things so that you're not in contact with each other, the better it will work out.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Anon,
Just a wave at you!

Sorry you are having to figure this out.


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