# Separating - dating?



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm separating from my H or nearly 3 years (both in our mid fifties) and am actively looking for somewhere to live. We haven't really had a sex life at all during our marriage and have only had sex 3 times in last year (last time was 5 months ago). Separation is as far as it will go for now as neither of us has the money to fund a divorce. We have no assets and, although most of the household stuff is mine (bedding, towels, kitchen equipment, etc), I will be dividing this stuff up so that I'm not leaving him without what he needs to get by. If I manage to find a furnished apartment, I will be leaving the furniture I've paid for with him, if not, I will only take what I desperately need to get by as I can't afford to buy any new stuff.

Although I have a few guys who have been showing an interest in me (flirting), I've been avoiding actually taking things further with any of them as I really don't want to rub his nose in it - I don't want to hurt him, I just can't live with him any more. 

However, when I was ill last week, my H had a night out with a couple of mutual friends of ours - he left the house at 8.30pm and arrived home at 2.30 am. It really didn't bother me that he had a night out - we were both invited but I was feeling too sick and couldn't get out of bed. The mutual friends that he went out with are a man and a woman roughly the same sort of age as we are.

The next day, the woman (who's a close friend of mine) told me that during the night out he was really badly behaved (drunk) and embarrassed them both. he was already drunk when they picked him up and proceeded to drink more at a couple of bars they visited (he had half a bottle of whiskey before going out and probably about 5 large whiskies while he was out). During the evening, he kept talking to the other guy trying to persuade him to "chat up some birds". Throughout the evening, he kept approaching women and trying to chat them up. Although this doesn't really bother me (I realise that we are both going to move on), I have been very careful not to be seen to show any interest in any man at all until I've managed to move out as I feel it would be disrespectful to him. I also cannot reveal to him that my friend told me about his behaviour that night as he would freak out on her. 

When we have talked about the future, we've both agreed that we would rather stay friends if possible (we live overseas). He did ask me if I would be willing to stay and share the house we now rent and said "but neither of us could bring new partners home because I really couldn't bear that". Obviously, I want to move to my own place as I find him really difficult to live with and I'm waiting until I get my own place to start thinking about dating as I think that's the fairest way to behave. I also know that he would be devastated to see me with another man (it's me who's insisting on the separation, he wants me to stay). I'm thinking that once I've found my own place, it will be okay for me to start dating. However, I have seen threads here on TAM where people seem to think that you shouldn't start dating again until the divorce is finalised. We may not be able to afford the legal paperwork for a divorce for two or three years so I'm thinking that waiting until I move out would be okay. I'm really looking for a little bit of feedback on this - I don't want to hurt his feelings any more than I already am by leaving him and he obviously thinks that it's okay for him to get involved with other women before I move out (with the way he behaves, I really don't think he has much chance of attracting a woman right now - he needs to sober up first).


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I guess I could argue it either way. I have a lot of professional practice at that, after all.

On the one hand, I imagine you're about half-starved for affection and a healthy relationship, not to mention sex. There's no shame in that. I certainly wouldn't wait years to date in any event.

But there's something to be said for not dating immediately after a breakup. A lot of people, maybe including you, need some time alone to get into a good place again, mentally and emotionally. The last thing you want to do is jump the gun and get into another crappy relationship.

There are good men out there. Take your time in finding them.

ETA: I've read your other threads, Doobie. It's about time.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thanks GTdad and you're right, it is about time. I've spent most of my adult life single, bringing up my two kids and can't wait to be single and living on my own again. However, as you say, I've been starved of affection (and sex) and was just thinking of casual dating rather than starting off a long term relationship. I really don't think I could live with a man again and don't want to get into anything heavy, I just want to have a bit of fun (and some sex). I'm not one of those women who have to be in love to have sex, I'd be quite happy with a sort of "friends with benefits" type thing. I certainly don't want to have a serious relationship with a view to living together or marriage - I value my independence far too much for that. These past three years with my H have shown me just how important it is for me to stay single and independent.


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