# Would YOu Stay??? POLL



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

If you were in a marriage and come to the realization that you and your spouse are not on the same page mature wise would you stay in the marriage? 

When i say mature wise I mean they don't work on the marriage. When you suggest doing things to work on the marriage they give excuses or blame shift. When you suggest books to read to better the marriage they agree to it but never get around to it. It is obvious by their actions that the marriage is not the number one priority for them even though you know they love you. 

You put more energy into the relationship/marriage than your spouse does. You are in love with this person but the more time goes on the more out of love you feel for them because of their in-actions. Their in-actions have been going on for years and you feel that staying with them is settling and not living your best life. 

Basically a happy marriage takes two and you aren't getting cooperation on your spouses part. 

If all other aspects of living with this person were ok would you stay with them?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't see that as a maturity problem. I see this as one person isn't as interested in the relationship, or just doesn't see the problem. So the other person has to decide if the current relationship is satisfactory, because it's not likely to change in a positive manner.

Personally, I answered no.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Love Song said:


> If you were in a marriage and come to the realization that you and your spouse are not on the same page mature wise would you stay in the marriage?
> 
> When i say mature wise I mean they don't work on the marriage. When you suggest doing things to work on the marriage they give excuses or blame shift. When you suggest books to read to better the marriage they agree to it but never get around to it. It is obvious by their actions that the marriage is not the number one priority for them even though you know they love you.
> 
> ...


This sounds a lot like my story...we've only been married 7 months and I'm really trying to give it an honest go. But I don't want to stay in a marriage like this forever, no...


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Clearly, if "all other aspects of living with this person were ok" then there would be no need to work on the marriage. Unless you are just making up problems to facility ongoing drama, there's something that's not "ok" that you would like fixed. The unwillingness of my spouse to address the problems and actively work on them would therefore be a huge issue for me. 

In my case, I knew H wasn't as into reading relationship books or doing programs or getting counselling. Many guys aren't. But what it took me longer to realize was that our marriage - as it stands, with what are a number of serious problems from my perspective - _works for him_. Since it works for him, he isn't going to actually do anything to help me change it. We have problems. I've been actively addressing the ones I can control. Without him addressing the ones he controls, we aren't making much progress. If he was willing to actually work on the marriage I would stay. Since he isn't, I'm taking steps to leave.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LoveSong, you just described my marriage perfectly.

It became a one-sided relationship where my ex would not meet me halfway, acknowledge anything or work on anything. He refused marriage counselling/refused to do things together, would threaten divorce anytime there was a disagreement and just plain old didn't put in the same effort. 

Over time I grew resentful of this fact and my love for him (while enormous), began to fade. I got really tired of crying myself to sleep every night. One day I left. We divorced.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Whether they are a mature person or not, what their own priorities are, or how they act or fail to act isn't at the heart of it for me, its (assuming they are content with status quo) whether they are meeting my relationship needs or not, and if not whether I can find a way within the marriage to work around that unfulfilled need. If you learn to not pin your emotional state on your spouse it makes living with another person potentially a lot more fulfilling.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> You put more energy into the relationship/marriage than your spouse does. You are in love with this person but the more time goes on the more out of love you feel for them because of their in-actions. Their in-actions have been going on for years and you feel that staying with them is settling and not living your best life.


After YEARS of what you describe...... .I would grow very resentful, bit**y, grouchy, sullen, with an eventual "I just want to get away from you" attitude.... frankly, I'd be impossible to live with! 

I think it takes a really really strong person to put themselves down in the midst of what you describe and S T A Y. I am strong in many ways..but this is NOT one of them. 

I swim in "the togethernes" of being in love tooo much. This scenerio would slice a part of me in 2... It would hurt like hell plus I would be pissed off tremendously- and I am not the type who hides how I feel, it is all on the sleeve....and could be in your face. 

The question always is... what does HE want, why is he holding back.... was it good at one time...if so, what happened? Has resentment built in him over the years? What is it -that has invaded, and took him away...from you...from the marraige?

Do you have the answers....from his end.... and is there things you can DO on your end to MEET his needs & wants...or maybe you have !!? This is alwasy something that needs explored BEFORE throwing in the towel. 

If you have searched these areas... done your darnest to try to please him , make his life enjoyable... and he still is NOT giving on his end to help the marriage, work with you... Then I feel anyone in those shoes has a right to start a "separation".....with no guilt even. 

My beliefs are.... If I am going to be joined as ONE, and I am willing to give my partner my 100%, he darn well better grow to give at least 90% ...or strive too....and I feel his heart into it. 

I'm not the Unconditional Lover type. I need a partner who is communicative at every turn, humble with their faults, and have ACTIONS behind their words. 

I am admittably demanding in LOVE. My husband doesn't mind cause he is a Giver, by nature, he has always went above & beyond ... more so than myself. I have tasted of that type of happiness... It is not something I would ever want to live without. 

Life is just too short.


----------



## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

I answered yes. I'm staying because so far I've successfully managed to change the dynamic some after a lot of hard work on my part. I no longer feel like I'm the only one rowing the boat, and I think she's realized she needs to step up. It'll be a bit before I know if it's worked or not, but for now I'm going to stick with it. Honestly, I don't know if I would have divorced or not, I never got far enough down that path to tell.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

No

cause you can find someone much better who is on your level and you get along perfectly and agree and are both mature or immature you can find someone who sweeps you off your feet. You can also fall in love with more than 1 person, i believe in "True love" a consummate love as some say but i think that certain people we are compatible with and others are not. Of course the % of people we can truly fall in love with is very very small. All in all i think there is someone else out there you could be happier with and love truly.

If you feel iffy about your love or marriage and dont get along but you decide "it will get better" or you just settle than you are setting yourself up for failure.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Of 12 voters 58% would get a divorce and 42% would stay...


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Ideally one would figure this out before getting married but it's not like your potential mate says "by the way I act like a baby when things don't go my way" or "I throw fits and rage when I'm angry".

Family histories of alcoholism or divorce, previous marriages, age and even socioeconomic differences between spouses can result in unbalanced personal maturity levels in marriage. Imho, divorce just leaves both parties more damaged. Maybe the next person dumps you. It is very difficult indeed to find exactly matched maturity or commitment levels. Often, both spouses feel the other is less mature or less committed than themselves


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Good Dog said:


> I answered yes. I'm staying because so far I've successfully managed to change the dynamic some after a lot of hard work on my part. I no longer feel like I'm the only one rowing the boat, and I think she's realized she needs to step up. It'll be a bit before I know if it's worked or not, but for now I'm going to stick with it. Honestly, I don't know if I would have divorced or not, I never got far enough down that path to tell.



Awww but you have progress. That would be a completely different story for me. If I had progress I wouldn't even ask the big D question.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Ideally one would figure this out before getting married but it's not like your potential mate says "by the way I act like a baby when things don't go my way" or "I throw fits and rage when I'm angry".
> 
> Family histories of alcoholism or divorce, previous marriages, age and even socioeconomic differences between spouses can result in unbalanced personal maturity levels in marriage. Imho, divorce just leaves both parties more damaged. Maybe the next person dumps you. It is very difficult indeed to find exactly matched maturity or commitment levels. Often, both spouses feel the other is less mature or less committed than themselves



You know, your post brought up a few things for me. You are completely right this should have been figured out before we got married. And I hadn't even remembered this before I read your post but we are still having the same issues we were having back when we got married now. That was yeeears ago. I cant believe I have been tolerating this sh1t for that long. And you know I thought I shouldn't have married yet but I was under a lot of pressure from my family to do so. And I honestly at that point had believed we would work out our differences. sigh

My H and I are very much opposites. So there are a lot of differences i have to deal with that I am mostly fine with. We both feel that we balance each other out. But for him to not meet my needs is completely unacceptable. 

As far as the next partner (if I do choose to divorce) I don't really care. I would rather be alone than live in this mess.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Love Song said:


> My H and I are very much opposites. So there are a lot of differences i have to deal with that I am mostly fine with. We both feel that we balance each other out. But for him to not meet my needs is completely unacceptable.
> 
> As far as the next partner (if I do choose to divorce) I don't really care. *I would rather be alone than live in this mess*.


I hear others say this so very often, when a marraige has been awful, the hope for another good relationship is shattered, not worth the risk to them. So many singles walking around with the same feelings as yours ...but I bet if you found someone....where the attraction was going on..you both had simuilar goals and beliefs, similar love languages in a similar order (this is HUGE in my opionion)...and you both are mentally sound & communication is used effectively , humbly...you might be surprised... a relationship you never thought could be possible..is very possible. It happens. 

My Dad & Mom divorced, they married too young....terrible match...both going in different directions, my Mom was niave, married when she would have rather went to college. She was very independent minded. He was the Hopeless Romantic type. It was a Train wreck...my mom's best friend (who always had a thing for my dad anyway)... that is who he ended up marrying... Match made in heaven. It really does make a different who we are with, and how they "fit" with who we are. 

I did a thread trying to cover all the very important issues that so often plague couples down the road if they are not asking the right questions while dating...or missing/ignorning those red flags...

To KNOW these things about each other before walking down the aisle , resolve whatever differences there is -to get on that same page... is HUGE. I am of the belief we are all selfish... so we need to be matched with another who has the same selfish desires as us...as much as possible... that just makes it all flow quite beautifully!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

.


----------



## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

are there kids involved? If yes, especially the age mine are at son 14 about to start high school and daughter 11, then yes I would. I feel exactly the same way and allso feel our priorities in life are headed in different directions.

Otherwise if there were no children involved, hell no I'd be gone already! 



Love Song said:


> If you were in a marriage and come to the realization that you and your spouse are not on the same page mature wise would you stay in the marriage?
> 
> When i say mature wise I mean they don't work on the marriage. When you suggest doing things to work on the marriage they give excuses or blame shift. When you suggest books to read to better the marriage they agree to it but never get around to it. It is obvious by their actions that the marriage is not the number one priority for them even though you know they love you.
> 
> ...


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LS, here is a view from a the other side. 
My wife did most of the work on our relationship. She waited for me for a long time. It wasn't all bad, but a lot of it I had my head up my ass. I just didn't pay attention to her needs and concern's. I went merry along working, providing, enjoying myself. Brushing her off because I saw nothing wrong. My reasoning was that we love each other, we live good and she should be happy. We were just going through the same thing as everyone else. (Where have we heard those words before?)

In the last couple of years things changed. I eased out of a demanding job into retirement , as she entered in to one. I didn't have the patience she did. Instead of helping her with her stress I put more on top of it. When she always stood by me, I put demands on her about her job that she never did to me. I wanted more attention at home then I gave when roles were reversed.

Then the revelation came. She waited for me all those years. She waited for me to mature. She waited for my career, that has one of the highest divorce rates. 
Why did she? I can only say that she knew I always loved her. That I always stood with her, even in the darkest days. And we've had plenty of those. Yes, I thank God, she is stronger than me. 

My point. I agree that there are bad relationships that should end. But, sometimes its not all about today, its about yesterday and tomorrow. Too many ppl give in to soon, they don't wait for maturity. Maturity can't be forced. Its also about what other qualities your spouse brings to the table. If those qualities are there, they can contribute to the history and future of the marriage. I guess what I'm saying is some of us take longer to grow up than others. Just be sure you don't give up to easily. If he loves you and has those qualities, he'll get there with you. 

IMHO


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree I would not stay based on your info I feel that if only one party is putting more effort than the other then its an unbalanced relationship goes along with the saying "He who cares the least wins" and thats not fair to the other party i say let them be free lol


----------



## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

Love Song said:


> Awww but you have progress. That would be a completely different story for me. If I had progress I wouldn't even ask the big D question.


I think there's a fine line between genuine progress, which should prevent divorce, and that kind of "progress" which simply keeps people going but never leads to a better place. It's hard to tell which is which most of the time.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I voted stay. I believe we all go through different phases in our lives. I have seen times where my wife was the one who really worked on our marriage and wanted it to work and as of more recent she seems like a little girl running rather than working.

I believe she will be different again in another couple of years again, like we all will be. Some more extreme than others.

For better or worse....sickness (including mental) or health. Words mean something to some of us.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Wow the votes are 50/50 that helps lol. Just how I feel inside :scratchhead:


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I was tempted to answer "NO" yesterday since I kind of was a little mad at my husband for similar reasons and I thought no matter what it just doesn't get better. However today he surprised me with some good gestures and I was introspecting thereafter.... 

Maybe he IS trying to change little-by-little and I am the one not making an effort to see or appreciate his efforts, or, maybe I expect too much from him and my expectations are the cause of my frustration.  Not sure, maybe I will get mad at him again tomorrow.. but at least right now, I feel if there is something significantly good in your relationship and in your spouse.... and if the priority of the things he wishes not to acknowledge and runs away from is not huge, maybe its a good idea to not give up.. and keep trying with persistence & innovative communication. 

To make my husband understand what my concern was I prepared a powerpoint presentation with couple of slides and explained it to him with some examples and analogies. [I know it is too geeky, please dont judge me ] I presented it to him without any drama, just the facts and nothing sensitive that he might get angry about.. just made him see my point of view... I also told him how it affects me and was open to acknowledging concerns if he had any.. He seemed to agree although did not engage in a discussion which was fine. I know he cannot change overnight and I will keep on reminding him. But that is what I meant by innovative communication. I tried to be our marriage counsellor (played a double role) Whether or not it will succeed .. I do not know. 

For now I would answer "YES" thereby making your poll a 11-11 tie.. at least for now till the next person votes


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

eowyn said:


> I was tempted to answer "NO" yesterday since I kind of was a little mad at my husband for similar reasons and I thought no matter what it just doesn't get better. However today he surprised me with some good gestures and I was introspecting thereafter....
> 
> Maybe he IS trying to change little-by-little and I am the one not making an effort to see or appreciate his efforts, or, maybe I expect too much from him and my expectations are the cause of my frustration.  Not sure, maybe I will get mad at him again tomorrow.. but at least right now, I feel if there is something significantly good in your relationship and in your spouse.... and if the priority of the things he wishes not to acknowledge and runs away from is not huge, maybe its a good idea to not give up.. and keep trying with persistence & innovative communication.
> 
> ...


I like the power point idea, I think I'll try it. 

I also learned that he listens better if I say to him "if there is something from me that you need tell me". Instead of just saying my needs aren't being met. Basically I don't make it all about me and he'll be more open to what I have to say. You would think he would already know he could come to me about his needs *shakes head*


----------



## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes, that works for me too. I think if however possible I manage to keep my emotions out of the equation I am able to handle it well and able to make him see my point while being open to suggestions.


----------

