# Resentment



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I have been doing a lot of thinking about resentment. It's probably the most dominant feeling I have towards my ex. 

But I don't want to feel that way. I don't mind being angry. It's a powerful emotion. It can be exhausting to feel that way all that time, but at least it has energy.

Resentment kind of eats at me. I think about my grandmother who resented my grandfather pretty much my whole life. And you know, it was justifiable. But on the other hand, she spent the last 30 years of her life miserable. 

My resentment to my ex is justfiable, but it doesn't serve me. It gets me know where. Even if my ex were to suddenly decide to make things right, I couldn't accept if from him. He can never make things right. And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make him feel guilt, even if he should. I can't make him want to do the right thing. So spending energy being resentful is something I want to stop. 

I decided to google "how to stop resentment" and I found this: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201103/10-steps-letting-go-resentment

Most of it makes sense. #3 doesn't work for me, because I am not confused about him. I see him for the snake he is. 

And #8 doesn't really work, because I can't believe that seeing the good in your spouse is wrong. Right up until I found out he cheated I saw the good in him. That went away as soon as I found out. I just don't think that was wrong of me.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Have you read much of the Chump Lady's blog? She's got some great stuff in there, and I like this one on "fairy dust forgiveness" and resentment.

Fairy Dust Forgiveness - ChumpLady.com


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Oh that's good. I totally buy that. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what forgiveness is, and that makes sense to me. I don't forgive my ex. He is a POS who doesn't ever deserve to be in my good graces. But I can let it go. (It's a process though. I am still working on it.) He doesn't have to have any more control of my life. I don't have to live my life in a reaction to him. 
I don't have to resent him. But I can still be disgusted by him. Much like I am disgusted by ****roaches and snot.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Great article. 

"This person has shown me through their actions what their values are. I accept the reality of that.

I don’t wish them dead. I wish to disengage. I want peace in my life."


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I can relate to how you're feeling, although for me at this point it's no longer resentment but a lack of trust that's the issue.

For the last few months, my xWW has been very nice and pleasant. Our judgment is up for renewal this year, and she proposed that I stop paying $400/month in child support since she's remarried now. Great, fantastic. But that's so unlike her. During her A and our subsequent D, she tried to bleed me for everything she could. The change of heart this time around is nice, but unsettling. And definitely unexpected.

Last night I texted her asking if she got a school picture packet for our daughter. She said yes, but that she isn't ordering any because she took pictures herself on D's birthday. Then she asked if I wanted to see them, and started sending them to me before I could even respond. They were adorable and I'm glad to have them, but it's not like her to be so proactive. Then she tops it off by saying she can put more on a CD and send it with our D for me and my family to have. I said thank you, abd she said "you're very welcome".

I no longer have resentment. But I can't trust her actions, even when they're nice. I can't accept them for what they are at face value. I always have to wonder what her angle is.

And I truly don't get why she's being so nice after all these years when I had to fight get tooth and nail for everything both during and after the divorce.

I'm not trying to threadjack. Just trying to illustrate how I can relate to how you feel. And I guess if I do resent her for one thing, it's that I can't trust her intentions, no matter how well-intentioned she may be.

I think that's what sucks most of all. We can't let our guard down, even for a minute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

toolforgrowth said:


> I can relate to how you're feeling, although for me at this point it's no longer resentment but a lack of trust that's the issue.
> 
> For the last few months, my xWW has been very nice and pleasant. Our judgment is up for renewal this year, and she proposed that I stop paying $400/month in child support since she's remarried now. Great, fantastic. But that's so unlike her. During her A and our subsequent D, she tried to bleed me for everything she could. The change of heart this time around is nice, but unsettling. And definitely unexpected.
> 
> ...


Let your guard down. She has obviously worked through her crap and believe me I'm sure she knows it was CRAP! She is trying to extend the proverbial olive branch. Don't read anything more into it. You are still jaded and thats what you need to work on now. To unjade for your next relationship. DUDE


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> Let your guard down. She has obviously worked through her crap and believe me I'm sure she knows it was CRAP! She is trying to extend the proverbial olive branch. Don't read anything more into it. You are still jaded and thats what you need to work on now. To unjade for your next relationship. DUDE


It has nothing to do with future relationships. It's whether or not this one individual is trustworthy. A few token gestures does not create or instill trust.

She doesn't do anything without motive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

toolforgrowth said:


> It has nothing to do with future relationships. It's whether or not this one individual is trustworthy. A few token gestures does not create or instill trust.
> 
> She doesn't do anything without motive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her motive may be to just let the past be the past. The battle is over, the war is over. Live in peace. You don't have to trust her or have confidence that you can trust her. Just live with it and accept the peace for what it is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This is something I've thought a lot about because I'm a natural grudge holder. My ex didn't cheat (that I know of but he was deployed a lot so who knows) but he was quite abusive and was a big time d0uchebag.....and he used my vulnerabilities against me. I'm a CSA survivor so it's very hard for me to be vulnerable anyway, and to have it used against me is very damaging.

I struggle with resentments now even with my husband, who in most ways is a great guy, because of some crappy things he's done (not cheating). Even though he hasn't done said crappy things for a few years now.....but as I said I tend to hold grudges. I joke that I spend most of the 35-40 miles a week I run p!ssed off because for whatever reason I tend to think about things that p!ss me off when I'm running. Maybe it's the physical stress relief.

Ex and I get along ok now and one thing I try to keep in mind is that when these people do crappy things it really doesn't have anything to do with you. They'd likely do the same thing to someone else; we've been divorced 10 years and my ex still can't keep a girlfriend precisely because he's a jerk. Realizing that it has nothing to do with you can help you let the resentment go, along with understanding that there are something things you'll just never had the answer to and that's ok.

My dad's father abandoned him and his family to drink back in the 50's, leaving his mother with 3 kids to support and very little family. Women had few options in those days and my dad left school at 14 and went to work. He didn't talk a ton about his father but I know it affected him. The day he passed away I was with him and he was a little out of it from the morphine, and he began to talk about his father. He was very upset and he looked at me and said "my father saw what was happening to me and he didn't care. Why didn't he care about me?" I looked at my dad and said "your father had his own demons that had nothing to do with you. He was very damaged and just couldn't give you what you deserved, but he would've been the same with someone else. And you didn't repeat his mistakes, you were always there for us". He nodded and didn't say another word about it. I hoped that he understood that the crappy things his father did had nothing to do with him and that made peace with it in those last few hours.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

toolforgrowth said:


> I can relate to how you're feeling, although for me at this point it's no longer resentment but a lack of trust that's the issue.
> 
> For the last few months, my xWW has been very nice and pleasant. Our judgment is up for renewal this year, and she proposed that I stop paying $400/month in child support since she's remarried now. Great, fantastic. But that's so unlike her. During her A and our subsequent D, she tried to bleed me for everything she could. The change of heart this time around is nice, but unsettling. And definitely unexpected.
> 
> ...


I so get this. My mother has been an amazing support during my divorce. But she has a long history of being emotionally and physically abusive to me. Even when I was an adult, she did some amazingly horrible things to me. I eventually quit speaking to her. In fact we went almost three years not speaking. Now we have a relationship. But just because she's being wonderful now, doesn't erase everything. And I keep it in mind that she is still the same person who can turn on dime and become viscious. So I know I will spend the rest of her life trying to keep a balance of having a relationship with her, without letting her have access to ways of hurting me. 

Have I forgiven her? I don't know. She hasn't ever actually apologized for the things she's done. I suspect she knows what she did was wrong...but I don't really know that. And I aslo don't know if she is going to make an effort not to do that. Actually, history has proven that she will occasionally still try emotional warfare, but I'm not tolerant of it. She knows full well that I will cut her off immediately if I feel she is crossing the line. When she has crossed the line, she's been cut out and she's had to be the one to make the first move towards reconcilliation. This is a huge shift from what life was like in my childhood and early 20's. There is definitely a power issue at play, which makes me sad. I don't really like relationships that have a difference in power. 

Of course the difference between my mother and my ex is that I don't have to have anything to do with him. Thankfully we don't have family in common. If I didn't have family in common with my mother and she didn't try, I wouldn't have a relationship with her at all. 

I think in your case, it should be a trust but verify kind of thing. Assume that there is no ill intent on her part, but don't neccessarily make yourself vulnerable to her shenigans.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Forgiveness is more for you than your ex

Resentment is a pre-curser to hatred

Use your energy for more constructive things

ChumpLady speaks the truth... reason she is always highly recommended.

Does your brother still maintain contact with your XH?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Dude007 said:


> Let your guard down. She has obviously worked through her crap and believe me I'm sure she knows it was CRAP! She is trying to extend the proverbial olive branch. Don't read anything more into it. You are still jaded and thats what you need to work on now. To unjade for your next relationship. DUDE


No no, I get exactly what he means.

A few weeks ago when that big, almost hurricane was set to hit the east coast I got a message from Triple D. He said he wanted me to know that he contacted our DD (whose in college up in DC) to remind her not to go in standing flood water. I said OK and dropped it.

At the time, I thought it was pathetically needy on his part to tell me. He must have wanted me to know he was trying to make contact with DD, and wished her well. OK, it was a start after three years.

The next time I spoke with DD I said, so your Dad called you. There was silence on the phone. She said, "Mom, I have never gotten any message or call from him since he left." I tell her I must have misunderstood a message and let it go.

So Triple D, lies again. I'm not resentful. just reinforcing my reality. I feel badly for raising it with DD. But we are ok.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Erg, Pluto, that's awful. You have the right attitude about it, though. I'd be livid.

I'm where you are, BlueWoman, and I don't like it. That's exactly it - anger can be energizing (and exhausting), but resentment eats away at you.

I had a similar relationship with my stepmother, who partly raised me, for many years. She was abusive and viciously mean to me for years. Then, after my Dad died, and I didn't write her off like she expected me to, she became incredibly supportive and even loving towards me. But she turned on a dime in the last year of her life, decided I was stealing from her, told all her friends and family that, and stopped speaking to me altogether. I was hurt at first and then really angry. But then, I was somehow able to let it go - I think I accepted, like Pluto has about her ex, that her nonsense had nothing to do with me.

Maybe the reason I can't get to that acceptance with my ex is because I still blame myself for pushing him away, and can't forgive myself for that - even though intellectually I know it wasn't all my fault - I don't believe it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> Erg, Pluto, that's awful. You have the right attitude about it, though. I'd be livid.
> 
> I'm where you are, BlueWoman, and I don't like it. That's exactly it - anger can be energizing (and exhausting), but resentment eats away at you.
> 
> ...


Sorry for the threadjack but an intervention is necessary.

Stop that crap right now! 
There were clear issues in the marriage and I have no doubt each of you contributed to those issues. You chose for the most part to remain in the crap-eating status-quo until your son was older.

He never told you the status-quo was changing.

He got divorce papers without telling you, right? Why? Because he had already found the OW-another change in the status-quo he neglected to tell you about.

So he lies to you, repeatedly for his own selfish advantage and you want to take responsibility for it. Really? Are you that omnipotent that you can control a grown man to find a skank (and I properly used that term not because she is the OW, but because she KNEW he was marred) in another town? (sarcasm inserted) Of course not.

He owns the A 100%. He owns the lies 100%, he owns the deception 100%. 

What do you get-you get failing to resolve the problems that led to your crap-eating status quo. You knew the relationship was over and took no action. That is on you. Maybe some of those issues could have been resolved, but certainly not with a third person in your relationship. He had choices and made them. His choices were bad.

And remember to disengage from him when he starts in on the blame-shifting, whether about your marriage or your parenting skills.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"I'm not comfortable with the direction of this conversation."
They get you out of almost every nasty conversation.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you, Pluto. You're always the voice of reason, and I appreciate your always good advice.

Just trying, like BlueWoman, to figure out why I can't let the resentment with him go, but I could with my stepmother.

It's probably as simple as he won't leave me the F alone. I didn't have to co-parent with my stepmother. When she decided to go NC with me, that was that. I didn't have to talk to her and listen to her nonsense ever again. And knowing that was her decision made it easy not to feel any guilt.

So, to your advice I go. I always hated that non-apology "I'm sorry you feel that way" when he used it on me. But now he can see what it tastes like when I say it. And I really like "I'm not comfortable with the direction this conversation is taking." Those were the exact words he used the one time I let him have it for not even considering his son's feelings when he moved his GF down here, knowing his son would have to spend five days with them two weeks later when I went out of town on a long-planned vacation. I certainly had more to say to him when he said that, but it effectively shut the conversation down. 

Definitely should have used both when I got the lecture about how DS didn't want to eat any of the GF's cooking while he was there because I must not be feeding him enough and therefore his stomach has shrunk.

I won't pass up that opportunity again.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think a certain level of resentment is natural and normal. My X took much away from me and my daughters. sometimes it still hurts especially around holiday times when I resent not seeing my kids full time

But since my divorce I have carved out a life for myself I absolutely love. For the first time I control my life, finances and career...

So I concentrate not on what is gone but what I have made and will continue to make for my future

Thought maybe that would help. If you don't have a plan to get what you want now make one.


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