# Another Broken Heart



## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

First off I just want to say I ran across this site a couple days ago and have been reading the stories and it's amazing how eerily familiar they sound. Just reading others stories has given me some strength.

Anyway here is my story. I have been married for 19 years I am 41 she is 38 with 3 sons 18, 15 and 3. She has been the love of my life. High School sweethearts. We were together for 4 years before we married. Fast forward to about two weeks ago when she informed me that she was leaving me. She said she felt I didn't love her anymore. Now I admit I am not the perfect husband by any means. I have taken her for granted at times and not treated her the way she should probably be treated, but by no means did I ever feel like we were beyond repair. We have been through a lot together. About 5 years ago she went through a bout of depression (meds) and had a PA. I was devastated. I went to counseling, but she never would go. (1st red flag looking back on it) Somehow what I learned I was able to make it work and we survived and in my opinion our relationship was even stronger. About 3 years ago I took a new job. I traveled more early on, but the big jump in pay allowed her to stay home with the baby. The travel has not been as much but I do work longer hours. With travel time I am gone from 6 to 6. I know that plays a part because before I was 5 min from work and left just before 7 and was home by 3:30. We have had our share of rocky times and I have suggested counseling but she would not agree to it which I took as she thought things weren't bad enough that we needed outside help and we could work through it. Again looking back probably a bad assumption on my part. Things get bad and we work on them and they get better. We both failed in working on our marriage everyday. We sometimes just left things on cruise control.

When she told me she was leaving I resorted to the begging and groveling. I am one of those nice guys that always seem to finish last. I am an engineer (which probably tells you a lot) very analytical and I don't do emotions well. Needless to say I am broken and lost. I am trying to hold it together for the boys but I feel I am failing miserably. I want to make it work and I am not willing to throw away 19 years and risk my kids wellbeing. I have been talking with our pastor and It helps short term. She will not talk to him or agree to any counseling. All she says is she wants out. My opinion is there is some things that happened in her childhood that she has put away and not dealt with and she is afraid of them coming out. She did have a very rough childhood. Her parents divorced when she was only a year or two old. Her mom had custody but was a druggie and alcoholic. Her dad got full custody when she was about 7 and got her out of the situation but I know there were some bad things that she saw and experience that no kid should ever have to endure. Looking at it now I wonder if there are things that were never brought to closure. Also I wonder about whether she ever forgave herself for the PA. I did a long time ago.

I wonder should I just give into what she wants and give her the divorce and try to move on. That’s not what I feel I want right now, but it would be the easy way. I want to fight to try to make this work but I am not sure if I am strong enough to endure the pain. We have no true marriage counselors in the community where we live that I am aware of. Closet one I have found is 120 miles away. My pastor has been great but I wonder do I need more? 

She is going to go to work which means the little one will need to go to daycare which I am not happy about. Where we live there is a huge housing shortage due to oil field activity. Rent is outrageous. $2500 for a one bedroom if you can find it. Right now the only thing that I can see work is she stays in the house with the kids and I move to a work appt that I can rent from my company for $800 but that is short term. She wanted to move back to our hometown which is about 100 miles away but that would mean me seeing the little one only on weekends. The older two are in high school and I don't think they would move with her. I brought up a live in nanny to live with me and the kids in the house and she could move back to hometown, but she shot that down right away. She tells me I hold all the cards, but honestly I feel she does. The only way I see it working out is she stays in the house, gets the kids, and gets the divorce she wants. And I get the pain of everything. The kids are my priority. I don't care what happens to me but I will not let my kids suffer because of this.

I am looking for adivce from others who have been through this, what worked or didn't or feel free to tell me how big of a fool I am. 

Thanks,
Broken Hearted in ND


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you have access to her cell records, (voice, text, IM), all email accounts, and Facebook?

I would consider placing a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car and in other strategic places where she expects privacy.

Within 24-48 hours, you will know the identity of posOM.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I agree with Conrad. 

And have HER move out and let the posOM pay her expenses.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree that's she's probably hooking up with some other dude (AGAIN)

Investigate quietly and accumulate proff. Put a keylogger on your PC too

Once you have some hard evidence, come back here or go to the infidelity section where I know you'll get some great advice


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## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

I have access to all of the Facebook and e-mail accounts that I am aware of, not saying there aren't any that I am unaware of. Nothing leads me to believe that there is another man, but believe me I have suspected it. It is the first thought that runs through my head but when I look at the big picture I don't see the signs. Our sex life has been decent, a bit lower than 5 years ago but not what I would consider low or if she was seeing someone else. Maybe I am naive to think that. 

I haven't brought up her PA but she did the other night. She said she hasn't been a good wife to me and went and mentioned that as a reason.

She is the social one in our relationship. She has a lot of friends and her two best ones are going through marital issues right now as well. I know they talk a lot of crap about their husbands as I have seen some of the texts. She was/is my best friend and I have let all my friendships from the past go because her and my boys were/are my life. I am very alone here right now. The pastor is the only one I have told and really the only person I can confide in. I can't talk to my family because my mom is really over the top and when I confide in them the next thing I know is I am getting calls and e-mails from the small town I grew up in and I am not ready for that now. I have thought about my in-laws. I have a good relationship with them, probably better than my own parents. But I worry that it would just drive the relationship between me and the W further apart.

Remaining emotionless right now seems darn near impossible. I will try but right now I have so many emotions right now I don't know what I am feeling from one minute to the next. I go from sad to angry to confused and right back again. I have been listening to a lot of Christian radio and reading my Bible just trying to find answers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Strategically placed voice-activated recorders are a must.

You have to know what you are dealing with to intelligently pursue your response.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do you have access to phone records. A text log would be good to look at right now. I don't like where this is heading. Hey and don't knock us engineers just cuz we use our brains.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Keylogger on the PC too!

Cheaters typically have alternate email and facebook accounts set-up

You need to know what (if anything) you're dealing with before you can decide what you want to do.

I don't know if you're ready for the truth............


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## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

Wow.....Thank you Conrad..I took her SUV, ran to Wal-Mart two hours ago, picked up a recorder and put it in her vehicle. She took it to run errands and came back. I just listened to the recorder. Her best friends husband. Wow, I am speachless......I know what I am dealing with now. And no Toffer I was not ready for the truth.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

broken hearted in ND said:


> Wow.....Thank you Conrad..I took her SUV, ran to Wal-Mart two hours ago, picked up a recorder and put it in her vehicle. She took it to run errands and came back. I just listened to the recorder. Her best friends husband. Wow, I am speachless......I know what I am dealing with now. And no Toffer I was not ready for the truth.


Wow time to let her best friend know now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And don't you leave the house go and expose and kick her out.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

WOW! Do not expose just yet. Find out if adultery will affect alimony in your state. Hopefully you live in an at fault state. You may need more evidence.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> WOW! Do not expose just yet. Find out if adultery will affect alimony in your state. Hopefully you live in an at fault state.


Good point there are a few left.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

broken hearted in ND said:


> Wow.....Thank you Conrad..I took her SUV, ran to Wal-Mart two hours ago, picked up a recorder and put it in her vehicle. She took it to run errands and came back. I just listened to the recorder. Her best friends husband. Wow, I am speachless......I know what I am dealing with now. And no Toffer I was not ready for the truth.


Let it sit for a minute.

Talk to us and get your gameplan ready.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow Broken Hearted that was fast.

Now make a plan. 

Share it here and we can help you if you did not already confront her.

And yes, Conrad rules!

Your wife is a liar and still a cheat. She actually was telling you the truth when she said she was not a good wife.

And how can she forgive herself when she is still screwing you over.

Now she is a 2x loser. 

Please do not make the same mistake again. For your sake or your families.

HM64


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

There's probably dishes flying thru the house as we speak!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> There's probably dishes flying thru the house as we speak!


Voice of experience here


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## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

It appears nothing physical yet, just a lot of talking and whining about the spouses, but you could tell by the tone of the voice its more than just a whine session. My oldest leaves for his senior trip to DC tonight. Do I confront her tonight? I need to keep my kids in mind. She is a good mom, just appears to be a lousy wife. I guess I need to contact a lawyer to see what my options are here in ND. I am done, this is it, I can't belive this is happening. I want answers. Should I wait until I calm down? 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

broken hearted in ND said:


> It appears nothing physical yet, just a lot of talking and whining about the spouses, but you could tell by the tone of the voice its more than just a whine session. My oldest leaves for his senior trip to DC tonight. Do I confront her tonight? I need to keep my kids in mind. She is a good mom, just appears to be a lousy wife. I guess I need to contact a lawyer to see what my options are here in ND. I am done, this is it, I can't belive this is happening. I want answers. Should I wait until I calm down?
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated.


The person to call is his wife.

Play the tape for her.

That will be the end of that.

Remain as cool, firm, and dispassionate as possible.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> The person to call is his wife.
> 
> Play the tape for her.
> 
> ...


Don't confront your wife until you talk to his wife. Do it today if possible.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tom67 said:


> Don't confront your wife until you talk to his wife. Do it today if possible.


I meant OM's wife.

Sorry if I was confusing!

Thanks Tom


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I meant OM's wife.
> 
> Sorry if I was confusing!
> 
> Thanks Tom


Not a problem we know he's in shock right now and how the mind wanders all over the place.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Are we sure there is no PA? Should he not investigate further? If he is done with the marriage then maybe he shouldn't go nuclear quite yet.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> Are we sure there is no PA? Should he not investigate further? If he is done with the marriage then maybe he shouldn't go nuclear quite yet.


I think he should drop the hammer now.

Best shot to break the affair fog.

He says he's done anyway.

He needs to stand up to her.

Earn back some respect.

OMW will likely confirm the PA.

Tough sledding for posOM's around these parts.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Maybe this will help Divorce Support - North Dakota Divorce Laws


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ahh here we go Divorce Support - North Dakota Grounds for Divorce


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Adultry-bingo!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tom67 said:


> Ahh here we go Divorce Support - North Dakota Grounds for Divorce


The sooner you identify posOM and - by proxy - posOMW, the sooner you have a strong ally.

Strong allies are what you need in times like these.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> The sooner you identify posOM and - by proxy - posOMW, the sooner you have a strong ally.
> 
> Strong allies are what you need in times like these.


I hope he is going to see omw now.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

VAR the conversation with your wife when this blows up. She may admit this on the VAR. Good Luck! Remember tell the POSOM's wife first. Play the tape for her. Yours will find you shortly thereafter.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> VAR the conversation with your wife when this blows up. She may admit this on the VAR. Good Luck! Remember tell the POSOM's wife first. Play the tape for her. Yours will find you shortly thereafter.


And, she'll be anxious to talk things over.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> VAR the conversation with your wife when this blows up. She may admit this on the VAR. Good Luck! Remember tell the POSOM's wife first. Play the tape for her. Yours will find you shortly thereafter.


Oh yea protect yourself from a false ro because she will be mad that's a given.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And Broken Hearted
Back up the VAR somewhere safe.

Talk to the OMW now.

And when your wife goes crazy because you caught her keep the VAR running for your own safety.

And when your kid leaves tonight.

Have his mothers bag packed and waiting right at the door.

You stay in the house.


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## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

OK. Things calmed down a bit. I called an old classmate who is a lawyer out of state and he told me the same thing Catherine did. While the telephone recording may be enough for me, it probably wouldn't convince a judge. He recomended I try to gather more evidence. Even though I may never need to use it I needed more. I logged into our Verizon account but nothing really stood out. Calls to family, friends all familiar numbers. 

I took my middle son to shoot our archery 3-D tournament. It was nice to get away and let my mind relax a bit. I need to remember its about them and this is what matters.

I didn't get much sleep last night and this whole thing is taking its tole on me. I am going to Walmart this morning to pick up a couple more voice recorders. I would just love to blow this out in the open now and get it over with but in the small chance that she decides to make it ugly I need more proof. She is going out of town shopping with our middle son today for dress cloths for an upcoming event so it will be just me and the little one home alone. It will be some nice father/son time.

Thanks to all of you for your support, prayers and ideas. 24 hours ago I would have never in a million years guessed this is where I would be right now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Broken

Glad things calmed down a bit.

You know one thing for sure.

Your wife is a liar.

She is keeping things from you.

Listen to the VARs. They will tell you what is really going on.

And please know you should never have to beg for your marriage.

It takes two to form a committment. It takes two working together to keep a marriage healthy.

And at 38 if she is that unhappy well cheating on you is noy going to make anything better.

That is for sure.

And remember just as you need to take steps to kill the Affair or stop it from going any further so does the OMW need to take the same steps to stop her Husband from going any further with your wife.

So when you are ready and feel you have sufficient proof you stop their nonsense by exposing it.

Keep us posted and do take care of yourself during this time.

HM64


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## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

I was able to speak with an attorney this morning. His advice was to gather as much info as I can before approaching her with it. I did pick up two more VARs and hid them but as of this morning there was no activity between her and the OM. Now that I am back at work I wonder if things will pick up again. His advice was to remain as emotionless as possible and just let it play out for now, and document everything. In ND adultery is defined as the actual act of sexual intercourse and even though that happened in our past if it was not acted on I may loose the right to claim that due to how long ago it happened. Depending on the judge.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Have you put a keylogger on the PC too?


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## broken hearted in ND (Mar 15, 2013)

We have a key logger on the home PC ever since we caught our 18 year old looking at porn. The truth is she rarely uses the PC. She is not a huge fan of technology. She has her iphone and that is it.

Does anyone know if there is a way to see texts remotely or have them delivered to another phone? On the verizon site I can see the numbers she texts or receives texts, but I can't see the content. And when I look on her phone she must be deleting them because they show up on the bill but not on her phone. I also wonder if she has a second phone. I only see her with one but one thing I am noticing is that she is talking at 6pm but when I look at the bill there is no phone call at that time.

There still has been no recordable contact with the OM. She has stopped talking to her friend as well so I wonder if the OMW found out the same thing I did. 

Yesterday was a good day. Today I feel like I have taken 10 steps backward. I just want to curl up in a ball and close my eyes. The pain is horrible. My three year old came up to me this morning and said I love you Dad and I started crying like a baby and couldn't stop. Knowing that he will only wake up with either his mom or dad and not both of them for the rest of his life is too much for me to think about right now. I just can't belive this is happening.

Thanks for listening......


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

broken hearted in ND said:


> We have a key logger on the home PC ever since we caught our 18 year old looking at porn. The truth is she rarely uses the PC. She is not a huge fan of technology. She has her iphone and that is it.
> 
> Does anyone know if there is a way to see texts remotely or have them delivered to another phone? On the verizon site I can see the numbers she texts or receives texts, but I can't see the content. And when I look on her phone she must be deleting them because they show up on the bill but not on her phone. I also wonder if she has a second phone. I only see her with one but one thing I am noticing is that she is talking at 6pm but when I look at the bill there is no phone call at that time.
> 
> ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> The deleting of texts is a huge red flag. Type the suspicious number into spokeo and facebook search. This is how I busted my WW.
> 
> I think there is a way to get the texts off an I phone. Somebody will come along with that. You can also pick itup in alot of the CWI threads.


When she syncs her Iphone with Itunes and the computer, the text history ends up there.

You can actually pay Verizon to retrieve it.

Yes, and you can read them.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Broken

Stay strong for yourself and the kids.

You can see the texts from iTunes.

THey refresh when her phone is synced to that pc.

There a few good software packages that will make them readable.

Someone here will point you to a good piece of software.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Since it is so important to get solid evidence, can you hire a PI? It may be more effiecient and much easier on you. A private eye may be able to find things that you cannot. 

Watch them to find out where they are meeting for their assignations. Get the name of the person she calls, where they live and who they are married to. 

You can consult your lawyer about the legality of this.


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