# Searching elsewhere



## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I think hubby and I will continue our search for a place where him and I can make friends n such, I've been looking thru alot of other's threads and im.jot so sure this is the best group of ppl to be giving and taking advice. No offense ti anyone by all means, I just doesn't seem right to have so many hurt people giving advice regarding the same things they suffer from. Call it biases if you will. Best wishes to you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I hate to break the news to you, but you aren't going to find many people who are going to wrap marital solutions up in a big red bow for you.

And bias is everywhere. The trick is to find the good stuff admidst the bias. Hurt people still give good advice, it's just buried under a lot of pain.

I find the people that succeed with marital challenges are the ones that are willing to dig through that pain to find the gems.

If you aren't ready or willing to do that, best of luck to you.

But there are a lot of great people here, and there is great advice coming from many of them too.

You just have to be willing to look for it...


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

im in a vulnerable place mentally n I just don't know if I can trust that someones advice is good advice or it IRS tainted by their own drama. Hubby n I are doing pretty good n we both really just want a place where we can talk freely and make friends n such.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Have you looked in other places here besides the Coping With Infidelity (CWI) forum. CWI can get pretty intense, but there are plenty of other places here to discuss other subjects. TAM is not primarily a social environment, however.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I originally thought the same thing as you. It takes some getting used to but if you take the time there really is some good advise here.

Who better to give advise than someone who has gone through the same problems you have. Yes, each situation has its own nuances but there are some base concepts and principles that other have learned and can share.

Whether you stay or go I pray you find the help you need.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

okay :toast:


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

I don't know your story but if you are in reconciliation there is a good thread here titled "Reconciliation" by posters named B1 and EI on CWI. At the moment it is awol due to some kind of technical issue but you may want to check back again later to see if it's back on here as it has a lot of polite and friendly people [including many couples] who are also working on reconciling.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I think Marriage builders is a Little more amicable in the reconcilation topic, but they want you to follow the methods they promote, and take the sessions with they doctors they recomend, is kind of rigid when it comes to the path they want you to follow, but all the sites have people that will be brutally honest and also those who are pro or against reconcilation, the more populars are:

Love shack
Marriage builders
TAM

so the options left are Love shack and Marriage builders, but Love shack have OM/OW section and that many times make the BS uncomfortable.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I suck at explaining things, we want a place where we can chat n he can see my convos with.others n that's not 100% focused on cheating, but.more so, communicating, progressing, socializing etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I understand from your main thread you're BPD 

Having lived with one for 15 years I can say with some confidence you are not the kind of people that listen to advice you don't want to hear.

You tend to like and surround yourself with people that sympathize with you in every aspect of life

Indeed this behavior you show right here with this - is very BPD. Trouble is PBD ers often have a trait of cutting themselves off from what they see as confrontation or what you perceive to be 'non supportive'. Running away
However you couldn't be more wrong about TAM - it's hard, sometimes in yer face but very very 'truth' and fair 

Why not have a look at the physical and mental health forum on here.

It's brilliant and I suspect, indeed know, if you are brave enough you will get a lot of input about your 'problem' in there


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

Headspin said:


> I understand from your main thread you're BPD
> 
> Having lived with one for 15 years I can say with some confidence you are not the kind of people that listen to advice you don't want to hear.
> 
> ...


I understand how you feel about BPDERS but to generalize the all into one stigma isn't quite fair, I do take advice really well, this whole leaving TAM is a mutual discussion with hubby and I, we want ti socialize not just focus on the problems if that makes sense, I know I have to work forbid trust, this is part of that, I want to socialize with him around seeing how I am socializing and seeing how I am with other people so he can see that aspect of me that is hard for me to show him myself face to face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RockerMama said:


> I suck at explaining things, we want a place where we can chat n he can see my convos with.others n that's not 100% focused on cheating, but.more so, communicating, progressing, socializing etc
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The Social area at TAM might be a better fit for your needs? Check it out and see.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I'll check it out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have got rock solid advice here plus loads of support. To me I had to take the consensus advice given, and for the most part everyone was on the same page. My problems did not involve infidelity though.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. 

So they say...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Headspin said:


> I understand from your main thread you're BPD
> 
> Having lived with one for 15 years I can say with some confidence you are not the kind of people that listen to advice you don't want to hear.
> 
> ...


I'm a BPD'er and I have been here for 3yrs now. People say all kinds of crap i don't like, doesn't mean it doesn't make me think.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

K bye. 

Young dumb and full of.... 

I was too once. But I didn't have 7 kids and cheating in my marriage. 

Good luck. Gonna need it.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I dont need luck. Just my hubby n kids n good friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

as I like to say luck is for the unmotivated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I have read the emphasis of socializing and "friends" in every one of your posts.

CWI is probably a good place to be in order for you both get a good understanding of how to manage those "friendships" safely.

Rather than just jumping into socializing, you may want to hang out here and get a better sense of how to identify boundary lines for these friendships and socializing you want to partake in.

Far too many people just dive right in and infidelity often happens that way.

This may be a good place to learn some safety rules before you jump into less marriage friendly networking sites like Facebook or SecondLife, etc

This will give you and your spouse something to discuss later, and perhaps provide you both with some trust and confidence going forward.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I will more than likely stick around lurking about but not really standing out nit sure it that's wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

RockerMama said:


> I will more than likely stick around lurking about but not really standing out nit sure it that's wise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


learning from other experience is never a bad move this site will give you a chance to see many of the problems that come with marriage and help you navigate your way through them.Yes it can be harsh here but its also honest if you're looking for good advice I would recommend sticking around



Best luck to you whether here or elsewhere


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Thought you were gonna go and stuff??? 

No. 

Kinda like the attention huh? 

It's alright, you are what you are. You should stay on TAM and post more of your story so we can direct many TAM'ers that have questions about the mindset of WW's. 

It's good stuff.


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

TheFlood117 said:


> Thought you were gonna go and stuff???
> 
> No.
> 
> ...


I had said WE were THINKING of going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

I was sticking around ti get other people's takes on this group and am waiting to hear opinions of the ppl who have cheated not just the victims.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

My spidey sense is tingling....


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## RockerMama (Feb 12, 2014)

TheFlood117 said:


> My spidey sense is tingling....


well it can tingle away all you like it to, doesnt change what i know.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

RockerMama said:


> I was sticking around ti get other people's takes on this group *and am waiting to hear opinions of the ppl who have cheated not just the victims*.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The reason you hear from mostly victims of infidelity in this forum is
due to the fact that most cheaters don't have the courage 
to stay, face the music and deal with the hard cold truth of the pain they've caused.
They'd prefer to simply gloss over it and chalk it up as a mistake or "no big deal".

Take a look around and you'll quickly learn that that's not the case.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> I was sticking around ti get other people's takes on this group and am waiting to hear opinions of the ppl who have cheated not just the victims.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There was a gigantic thread with more than 11,000 posts here in CWI called Reconcilation... (that was created by "B1" and "EI")where couples in process of reconcilation and many former WW used to hang out and support each other like "Forever Greteful", "cantsitstill", "mrs mathias", "soul potato", "EI", but for some technical difficulties the thread disappeared, (it have been appering and dissapering in the las 15 days).

Probably that is the right place for you, so once it appear again, I advice you to check it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I'm a BPD'er and I have been here for 3yrs now. People say all kinds of crap i don't like, doesn't mean it doesn't make me think.


:smthumbup:

My point entirely !

That's the idea if you have the courage to listen to what you instinctively normally run from you can be surprised what you get from it.

Almost the strongest trait of a BPDer is being a professional 'victim' and then of course avoiding anything that upsets that mindset ie the need to run away 

(And not forgetting people have it in varying intensities)

I wish my stbxw had found this and stayed here and listened for 3 years !

If only....


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RockerMama said:


> I understand how you feel about BPDERS but to generalize the all into one stigma isn't quite fair, I do take advice really well, this whole leaving TAM is a mutual discussion with hubby and I, we want ti socialize not just focus on the problems if that makes sense, I know I have to work forbid trust, this is part of that, I want to socialize with him around seeing how I am socializing and seeing how I am with other people so he can see that aspect of me that is hard for me to show him myself face to face.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd still like to be your friend, if you're ok with that. Your husband can always read our communication.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

RM, it's true that TAM is helpful with learning about appropriate boundaries, which we very much need. You'll also hear about all the best books to read. But yeah, that has to be balanced with your own well-being. Having BPD, being in a fragile state, plus being a former wayward - this place can be dangerous for us. Even if you decide to leave and don't want to keep in contact with any of us, I really hope you won't remain isolated. Because that's dangerous, too.


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