# Support, advice and help please!



## mark999 (Aug 20, 2015)

Sorry in advance for such a long posting. I am really going through the mill at the moment and I’d appreciate some views and encouragement. 

My wife and I met in Barcelona Spain nine years ago. She is Canadian and I am British. We hit it off immediately and started dating. Things were fantastic, we moved around a bit for study and jobs but everything was great between us, we were always there for each other and we got married in 2012. We were living in Barcelona at the time and life was OK but neither of us were really happy in our jobs. So I suggested that we think about going to Canada where we both have family and friends. We agreed that is what we would do. A good job opportunity came up for her in Madrid, where we had lived previously and we decided that it might be easier to process the visa for Canada there (the Embassy is there) so we went with idea of going for one year. About three months in, she told me that she was really happy there and didn’t want to leave, things were really working out for her. While I was happy for her I was gutted as I thought that we would move to Canada, start a family and a life for ourselves. I was also suffering from some serious issues with my back that curtailed my life a bit (I played a lot of sports) and I went into a bit of a spiral downwards. I don’t know if I was depressed but I certainly felt down about things – my job had gone to part time and was very boring, my back was on my mind, I didn’t have a social group like she had and I had a lot of time on my hands. We went to counselling and I agreed that I wasn’t trying as hard as I could and agreed I would try harder to make it work in Madrid. So I joined more clubs, made some friends and things started to be a bit better. In December after a family wedding my wife sat me down and said that she had changed her mind and did want to go to Canada. I was delighted and started making plans. We went away the Christmas just gone and I had spinal surgery in February which laid me out for a few months. Just a couple of weeks after the operation my wife confessed that she didn’t want to go to Canada after all. Again I was devastated. Then in May she told me that it was over, that she was done with the marriage and that she was moving out. She gave me a number of reasons, that she wanted to see me succeed, which I wasn’t doing in Madrid, that my negativity affected her too badly, and that things just weren’t working out for me in Madrid. I was shell-shocked. I didn’t see it coming and it knocked me for six. About two months ago she moved out. We saw each other a few times, she said she still loved me and missed me and felt awful about the whole situation. She went to see her family in Canada for August. Just before we were supposed to meet up for a coffee but she said it was too painful for her to see me. She is still in Canada and comes back next week.
I am totally and utter devastated by the whole thing. Just six months ago I thought we would be going to Canada and just a couple of days before she dropped the bombshell we were planning summer vacations and still making love. We were together nine years and I love this girl with every fibre of my being. I miss her awfully. I am trying so hard to be positive, but it’s so hard. Advice says to get out there and find new hobbies, but my hobbies have always been sports based and I am still not physically fit enough to do that. They say rely on family and friends, but I don’t have that many in Madrid and my friends back in the UK are married with kids etc. My Mum and Dad are both dead and my brother isn’t much help and also has his own family responsibilities. Marriage and kids are all that I wanted in my life. 
I don’t know what to do. I was accepted for a Masters in London studying radio production (something which I have always enjoyed) but coming back to London is such a huge step and feels like a backward one. Another options is to study AudioVisual Postproduction here in Madrid, again an area which I like but I don’t know if I would be able to gain employment after, and I don’t know how much of me is staying here with some hope that we can reconcile. I would like that, but I don’t know if she would even consider it. I am financially solvent and have some considerable savings.
I am starting to think that I am becoming depressed. I cry a lot, I feel sad a lot and sometimes I don’t know how I can carry on without her and if life is worth living. I am seeing a councillor and starting with a psychotherapist in a couple of weeks. I am also seeing my doctors later, and a careers councillor tomorrow. I am 37 and I feel that I will never make anything of my life and that I will never achieve my dream of a house, wife and kids. 
Please help me.
Mark


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Hi Mark. Sorry you are going through this.
I can tell you what I've been told, follow 180, and it seems like you've picked up on other good advice yourself-seek counciling, find new non injuring hobbies, and don't give up on your dreams. They will come with t-i-m-e (dreaded four letter word). 
Remember to breath, count to ten and be happy you have another day to wake up and enjoy the life you've been given. 
Best wishes


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She never gave you anything but these flimsy reasons for suddenly leaving?

Have you ruled out the possibility that there is an OM?


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## nikon09 (Aug 15, 2015)

Sorry that you're going through all of this. You have to take care of yourself now. If things between you and her are really done and her decision is final, you can't live your life for her any longer. Take whatever opportunity is best for YOU. I know it must be incredibly painful to go through what you're going through but we can't control what others do, we can only control how we react. Try and look at the positives in this and that you found this out before having children. Splitting up after children would be so much more difficult. You're doing all the right things by seeing a counselor and psychotherapist. No matter how much it hurts, keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get through this!


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## mark999 (Aug 20, 2015)

Thanks guys. I am still struggling so badly, I just feel so confused and overwhelmed by the future. I saw her on Sunday and she was so angry that I was still in Madrid after I wasn't making an effort here. I am trying to stay positive but I all I can see is black, no light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't know how to carry on without her.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Mark, sorry for your situation. Here is my best advice. Take her at her word. She's done. Done with the marriage, with you, your dreams of going to Canada, etc. Her actions are all consistent with what she has told you. She has carved a new life out for herself in Madrid that doesn't include you. Whether that includes a new love at present we don't know, but I suspect it soon will if it hasn't happened already. That's why she was angry when she saw you still there in the city. You remind her of the past that she has left and wants to forget. Sorry to be so brutal, but it needs to be said plainly. In short, there is no "us" anymore, only each of you as individuals. She is crystal clear on that point.
So what is best for you as an individual? You can get off your duff, go home to England, reconnect with your support network, pursue your Masters, get back in shape and again begin to be the physically active man you once were. A man with a future and some hope. 
Or you can stay in Madrid, continue to spiral downward without a meaningful career path as you occasionally see her about town likely with a new love.
Which course do you think is best for you? Because that's all you have now, just you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to take control of your circumstances, the best thing is to work on you. She grew, had a good job, network, etc but you did not, that is why she was not happy with you because you depended too much on her. No one should rely on their spouse to make them happy, that is the individual's responsibility.

The best response is for you to pick your self up and start to grow

Go no contact on her, 180
You should consider moving back to your home country to start over

She has moved on and though it's really difficult, you can do this


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