# Contacting an inmate, what do you think about it?



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

I've been considering using one of the many inmate pen pal sites for well... finding a partner. Alot of the women on these sites do write that they want to find a partner, offcourse some write that they only want a pen pal or legal help(I won't be contacting those).

It's not that I can't get any dates on normal dating sites or in real life. But why not increase the probability of finding someone right? 

If I come across a woman that I like on one of these inmate pen pal sites, why not contact her you know? I have already seen several women that I would have contacted if they were on a site like ******* for example.

But I would like other peoples oppinion on this. Is it ethically right? Would you think it would be a sleazy thing to do? Alot of women write to male inmates, and I've read some succes stories of some getting married later on for example. 

Basicly I'm asking if this is an "ok" thing to do. Or if it's just something that sleazy old desperate guys do.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Are you an inmate?:scratchhead:


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Are you an inmate?:scratchhead:


errm No. Was I unclear? lol


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

I think it's insane, personally.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Cross said:


> I think it's insane, personally.


Why? 

Is it because you think it's sleazy and desperate by me? I'm in my early 20's, I'm pretty much _the_ average guy. I think I look decent, or atleast not any worse than the next guy.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think it's weird, and I think it's asking for trouble.

People are incarcerated for a reason... at least wait until the person is released back into society before getting involved. I think this could cause all kinds of problems, all kinds of exploitation, maybe be dangerous for you.

I spent 2 seconds on google and found this:

"Who are the women in prison? The profile that emerges in study after study is that of a young, single mother with few marketable job skills, a high school drop-out who lives below the poverty level. Seventy-five percent are between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-four, are mothers of dependent children, and were unemployed at the time of arrest. Many left home early and have experienced sexual and physical abuse. Ninety percent have a drug or alcohol-related history."

I don't know how old it is but is this really the dating pool you want to be dipping your toe into?


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Why? Because you are using the pool of convicted women incarcerated as your basis for starting a relationship.

Hey, I'd like to start a family. Hmm, maybe I should write Susan Smith and see if she's single! Dude.

I can understand a non religious person seeking a partner from a church. I can understand someone desiring someone of a different race. I can't for the life of me figure out why someone would desire browsing the penal system as a starting block.

Anyways, it does seem creepy and weird. It's creepy and weird when girls do it, but most of those have major issues.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Cross said:


> Why? Because you are using the pool of convicted women incarcerated as your basis for starting a relationship.
> 
> Hey, I'd like to start a family. Hmm, maybe I should write Susan Smith and see if she's single! Dude.
> 
> ...


But I'm not *just* browsing the penal system! lol. There is also one specific girl that I want to message... And my reasoning is that if she was on a normal dating site, I would contact her anyway. So whats the problem?

I'm just asking if its "ok" in general to reply to women there, I'm not asking if it's ok to *just* use inmate penpal sites to find a partner.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

It's not okay according to my way of thinking, but that's just me. Creepy and weird about sums it up, but I do think 'dangerous' is not a bad one to throw in there too.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

omega said:


> I think it's weird, and I think it's asking for trouble.
> 
> People are incarcerated for a reason... at least wait until the person is released back into society before getting involved. *I think this could cause all kinds of problems, all kinds of exploitation, maybe be dangerous for you.*


If the genders were reversed and a woman contacted a male inmate I can see how it would be dangerous for her.

But There's a difference between women and men in this situation, by far most of the woman I've looked through seem to be harmless. Simply normal women who made a mistake... It's not like I would contact any real psycho in for murder or anything like that.



> I spent 2 seconds on google and found this:
> 
> "Who are the women in prison? The profile that emerges in study after study is that of a young, single mother with few marketable job skills, a high school drop-out who lives below the poverty level. Seventy-five percent are between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-four, are mothers of dependent children, and were unemployed at the time of arrest. Many left home early and have experienced sexual and physical abuse. Ninety percent have a drug or alcohol-related history."
> 
> I don't know how old it is but is this really the dating pool you want to be dipping your toe into?


I suppose that might be true in alot of cases, but not all.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

omega said:


> It's not okay according to my way of thinking, but that's just me. Creepy and weird about sums it up, but I do think 'dangerous' is not a bad one to throw in there too.


But why do these inmate pen pal sites exist then if it's so weird? Why do over half of the women there specificly say they want to find a partner and romance?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Brian. said:


> If the genders were reversed and a woman contacted a male inmate I can see how it would be dangerous for her.
> 
> But There's a difference between women and men in this situation, by far most of the woman I've looked through seem to be harmless. Simply normal women who made a mistake... It's not like I would contact any real psycho in for murder or anything like that.
> 
> I suppose that might be true in alot of cases, but not all.


It sounds like you've already made up your mind to do it and want a pat on the back saying 'go for it.' 

Well... yes of COURSE it can be dangerous. Life in prison can make a person develop in violent and manipulative ways just to survive. People with drug addiction or past drug addiction who get back into drugs can use violence as part of drug-seeking behavior. Men are not the only people capable of violence. Women are not the only victims of violence.

Of course they look normal - how else would they portray themselves? 

If you are looking for someone to rescue, just read up on the stories of other people who have tried to do that and see where it got them.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Brian. said:


> But why do these inmate pen pal sites exist then if it's so weird? Why do over half of the women there specificly say they want to find a partner and romance?


Because it's the internet.

Welcome to it.

Weird stuff abounds on here.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Brian. said:


> But I'm not *just* browsing the penal system! lol. There is also one specific girl that I want to message... And my reasoning is that if she was on a normal dating site, I would contact her anyway. So whats the problem?
> 
> I'm just asking if its "ok" in general to reply to women there, I'm not asking if it's ok to *just* use inmate penpal sites to find a partner.


Well, what is she in jail for? Why do you want to contact this one girl? 

How long is she going to be there for? Does she have kids? 

A lot of people who live life on the edge of the law tend to have significant others with criminal pasts.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, if you really want to, then go ahead. But you've asked for advice and comments, and people are giving their opinions. Just because nobody's agreeing with you doesn't mean they're all wrong, though.

Personally, I think it's a pretty poor group of people to chose a life partner from, but that's just me. First of all, I'm not a big fan of long distance relationships. I'd rather find someone who's free to spend some time with me. Second, this group of people has already demonstrated poor life decision making abilities. Yes, we all make bad decisions at times, but we don't all end up in jail. Third, I have no doubts the demographic mentioned is reasonably correct, and that's not on I'm really into. And finally, the people in there are likely to be struggling against their past for the rest of their life. Why not find someone who doesn't have that hanging over them?

That's not to say that I'd run away from someone who had a criminal record, if it came out as part of the "getting to know you" process. But why go looking for trouble?

And I'd guess the target audience for those websites is a mix of guys who either can't find a regular date, who have a similar background as the girls on the site, or want a "bad girl". 

Hey, there's still the whole mail order bride thing you could explore too! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Cross said:


> Well, what is she in jail for? Why do you want to contact this one girl?
> 
> How long is she going to be there for? Does she have kids?
> 
> A lot of people who live life on the edge of the law tend to have significant others with criminal pasts.


All it says is "Complicity to manufacturing" and that doesn't sound very bad at all. I don't really know what it is, but I don't think it's anything violent or anything that has to do with stealing. I guess it's drugs by the sounds of it though.

I want to contact her because.... Well if she was on say ******* or any other dating site I would want to contact her. When you see a girl you like you just want to contact her you know, only difference is she's in prison.

It says she has done some college, so she's not some high school drop out with bad job prospects either. 

It says she will be there until 2014, BUT don't people get earlier than what their release date usually is? So I expect that she will get out alot sooner than that... and even if she doesn't, thats ok. Obviously I don't know her yet, I might not like her at all if I go visit her in person... But if I do really like her, I could wait, no problem.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Brian. said:


> All it says is "Complicity to manufacturing" and that doesn't sound very bad at all. I don't really know what it is, but I don't think it's anything violent or anything that has to do with stealing. I guess it's drugs by the sounds of it though.


So, she does meth. She probably sells meth. Most girls who sell and do meth are prostitutes.

She also will look twice her age in 10 years.



> I want to contact her because.... Well if she was on say ******* or any other dating site I would want to contact her. When you see a girl you like you just want to contact her you know, only difference is she's in prison.
> It says she has done some college, so she's not some high school drop out with bad job prospects either.


Er, she is a convicted felon. Her job prospects are terrible.



> It says she will be there until 2014, BUT don't people get earlier than what their release date usually is? So I expect that she will get out alot sooner than that... and even if she doesn't, thats ok. Obviously I don't know her yet, I might not like her at all if I go visit her in person... But if I do really like her, I could wait, no problem


.

Those projections take early release into consideration.

This is a really bad idea. One she is using and selling drugs. Two, she probably is owned by Guido the Killer Pimp. Three, she's in jail for the next three years. 

I tell you what, why not bookmark her page and come back and see if you still want to penpal her in 2 1/2 years. It's not like she's going anywhere, and you can play the field in the meantime to see if you can find her equivalent without the mobile narcotics lab background.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So she has a history of drugs... Are you a drug user? Is that the kind of person you typically hang around with? And she DOES have bad job prospects, because from now on, whenever a prospective employer asks if she has a criminal record, she has to answer yes. And when they have a choice between her and someone without a criminal record, who are they going to chose?

And really, you want to go without hanging with someone in person for 3 years? Why? Why not find someone that you can invite out for dinner, or take to a movie, or even (heaven forbid) cuddle with on the couch? Why deliberately find someone with all kinds of barriers to a normal relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

PBear said:


> Dude, if you really want to, then go ahead. But you've asked for advice and comments, and people are giving their opinions. Just because nobody's agreeing with you doesn't mean they're all wrong, though.


I'm not saying they are wrong. Am I not allowed to question why people think I'm some ceepy weirdo? Am I not allowed to reply to peoples oppinions with my own oppinions? Then what would be the point of me replying at all to what people say if I'm not allowed to debate about the matter?



> Personally, I think it's a pretty poor group of people to chose a life partner from, but that's just me. First of all, I'm not a big fan of long distance relationships. I'd rather find someone who's free to spend some time with me. Second, this group of people has already demonstrated poor life decision making abilities. Yes, we all make bad decisions at times, but we don't all end up in jail. Third, I have no doubts the demographic mentioned is reasonably correct, and that's not on I'm really into. And finally, the people in there are likely to be struggling against their past for the rest of their life. Why not find someone who doesn't have that hanging over them?
> 
> That's not to say that I'd run away from someone who had a criminal record, if it came out as part of the "getting to know you" process. But why go looking for trouble?
> 
> ...


Mail order bride's is a complete different thing.

It's more or less prostituiton, they are paying for a woman to come to them and have sex with them and do whatever they want.

By writing to an inmate, I'm not paying for her like I would for a mail order bride. I obviously don't want just sex because I will have to wait a long time to actually be with her. I want to find a long term partner, like for marriage eventually.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I must admit, this is one of the oddest questions I think I have ever seen on TAM. I also feel like Cross in his reply. 

IF indeed you are a normal 20 something guy, I would assume curiosity had you look-- then you stumbled across some inmated chick who is REALLY HOT & temptation set in your brain - am I right? WHO really knows why they are in the slammer ....do they give you that info along with these photos?- didn't even know you can access such things online, but never really thought about it. 

I am so interested to hear if that would MATTER to you ?? 

MY general feeling would be....these women ARE likely VERY VERY disfunctional, NOT disciplined in their behaviors, lack of a moral code, have been beaten in life so bad they have no self esteem and very likely "DESPERATE" and beings they landed in PRISON after a court trial , does this not cry out to you "*danger*?" --- at least "CAUTION" --This is a far cry from your local jail cell for an overnight. 

I am sure they will be thrilled with your correspondence, they will be looking to reel some sweet fool into their life -so when they get out , they have somewhere to go (probably few have loving families), they might NEED someone to manipulate , take you for every dime, lead you around on a leash. It won't matter what you look like, youwill be a stepping stone to the outside world. 

Yeah, I guess I sound a little judgemental on this one, I would see monsterous RISKS in it. This however does not mean all of these women are like this. I mean decent innocent children grow up with monsterous childhoods , get into prostitution, drugs, who knows and their life ends in the slammer. Can they be redeemed - I am sure they can! But that is not your intention here , you want to "hook up"-romantic entanglement. 

You must consider your family in something like this also - if /when they get out, who their friends may be, what type of life they live, who their family is, what they are capable of.

Just cause they are women does not make them innocent by any means. 

I once faught vehemetly against keeping a HUGE halfway house out of my little town, I learned alot during that experience about the PRISON SYSTEM. It is NOT something I personally trust by any means. DOING TIME is not a sure thing that someone is ready to be released in our society again. Too many have proven otherwise. Probably mostly violent men though. 



And make no mistake about it, any woman who does this ---IS DESPERATE or demented to contact a MALE inmate to hook up with. I think I would shoot myself in the A** before doing something that mindless. 

I can understand the religious going in there to mentor, to show them a better way, as people need to reach out in ways to help them salvage their lives & give them hope for some kind of future. Everyone needs some hope. 

But ultimately it is YOUR life, I guess it is good we have all kinds to make the world go around.

Let us know what you decide.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Brian, if one of your friends said he was looking for a long term partner and found a smoking hot girl on a penal penpal site, what would you say to them?

Probably exactly what you are seeing here.

Anyways, I'd guess the penpal site thing is a scam anyways. Most dating things on the Internet are, I've heard.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I must admit, this is one of the oddest questions I think I have ever seen on TAM. I also feel like Cross in his reply.
> 
> IF indeed you are a normal 20 something guy, *I would assume curiosity had you look-- then you stumbled across some inmated chick who is REALLY HOT & temptation set in your brain - am I right? * WHO really knows why they are in the slammer ....do they give you that info along with these photos?- didn't even know you can access such things online, but never really thought about it.


lol pretty much yeah, I wouldn't call this particular girl "hot"... but more sweet and cute. I read her profile, and she seems normal and down to earth. If she was on a normal dating site, I would consider her pretty much the perfect one... Like exactly the type I would send a message too

And yes they give info and photos, aswell as their own introduction. 




> I am sure they will be thrilled with your correspondence, they will be looking to reel some sweet fool into their life -so when they get out , they have somewhere to go (probably few have loving families), they might NEED someone to manipulate , take you for every dime, lead you around on a leash. It won't matter what you look like, youwill be a stepping stone to the outside world.


I'm not a fool. If someone would try and manipulate me... I would notice. I can't really be taken for every dime by just writing to them and visiting them... If they start asking for money, I'll just stop right there. 

I know this will sound stupid.... But this particular girl. I have looked at the photos of her and I can tell just by looking at her that... no way is she trying "reel some sweet fool into her life".


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I agree she was involved with meth, can't think of anything else you can "manufacture." Meth is an extremely frightening drug. For one thing, it completely destroys your physical appearance. There are famous websites showing mug shots taken a few years apart of people who use meth. Google "faces of meth" and you'll see what I mean. But aside from that, meth is a drug that can be manufactured with items found around the home (more or less), meaning that she might go right back to doing it when she gets out. 

I actually disagree with you making mail order brides out to be so incredibly different. They are women who are often in desperate financial situations in their countries of origin who are willing to do just about anything to get out of there; the USA is the promised land as far as they are concerned. Add in a nice older lonely American guy willing to share his house and his income, and it's not such a bad deal for the girl. Once again, it's a case of a man "rescuing" a girl from a crappy past, a crappy situation, and letting the romance of how different their lives are cloud the fact that ... their lives are totally different. I don't think you purchase them, I think you just pay their airfare, but I could be wrong on that one.

*Cross*, when you said:


> It's not like she's going anywhere


 I almost spit out my coffee... is that wrong? hehe. 

Brian, I didn't mean that YOU are a creep. The situation is creepy. Not you. You sound like a nice guy who wants to give a girl a chance that others might not, and who isn't stereotyping or being prejudicial against her. But there are some serious issues here. Don't discount the point about her being very difficult to employ with a criminal record. There's a reason for recidivism and it has a LOT to do with this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Many people in prison will return to prison. The recidivism rate is high for most criminals.

So...why meet someone in prison? They'll only return a year, two years later and you'll be alone again.

lol...I don't mean to laugh, but...wow.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Mug Shots of Meth Addicts: Before and After (21 photos) | The Social Newspaper

This is NOT meant to demean or belittle anybody who has struggled with drug addiction. But just to demonstrate that it is a very serious drug.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

omega said:


> I agree she was involved with meth, can't think of anything else you can "manufacture." Meth is an extremely frightening drug. For one thing, it completely destroys your physical appearance. There are famous websites showing mug shots taken a few years apart of people who use meth. Google "faces of meth" and you'll see what I mean. But aside from that, meth is a drug that can be manufactured with items found around the home (more or less), meaning that she might go right back to doing it when she gets out.
> 
> I actually disagree with you making mail order brides out to be so incredibly different. They are women who are often in desperate financial situations in their countries of origin who are willing to do just about anything to get out of there; the USA is the promised land as far as they are concerned. Add in a nice older lonely American guy willing to share his house and his income, and it's not such a bad deal for the girl. Once again, it's a case of a man "rescuing" a girl from a crappy past, a crappy situation, and letting the romance of how different their lives are cloud the fact that ... their lives are totally different. I don't think you purchase them, I think you just pay their airfare, but I could be wrong on that one.
> 
> ...


I think the men who use mail order brides more or less just want a maid to have sex with lol

Or even if they do just want to save the girl and take care of her... Thats not what I want.

I don't want to "take care" of a grown woman, I'd expect the same from a woman I met from an inmate pen pal site as from a dating site... That she gets a job, supports herself and functions like a normal person.

And a mail order bride will be more than likely far away from family, and more or less "isolated" in a foreign country. That's alot different than being an ex-inmate... you're still in you're home country, not to far from friends and family and in a familiar enviroment.

I do understand your concerns, I get that there will be issues and that women like that aren't really "normal". But it's also impossible to say that just by reading a profile, I will have to message her and meet her and then try and decide if she is worth it(just talking about meeting a woman from an inmate penpal site in general here)


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

omega said:


> Mug Shots of Meth Addicts: Before and After (21 photos) | The Social Newspaper
> 
> This is NOT meant to demean or belittle anybody who has struggled with drug addiction. But just to demonstrate that it is a very serious drug.


By the looks of her photos I don't think she has taken any meth, she looks completley normal. No traces of drug abuse of any kind as far as I can see.


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## Wolf1969 (Aug 5, 2011)

Dude, you are asking people for their opinion and then you argue when they say they think it's a bad idea. Do what you want to, but then don't complain when things go bad. She is in jail for a REASON.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

dmg07171969 said:


> *Dude, you are asking people for their opinion and then you argue when they say they think it's a bad idea. *Do what you want to, but then don't complain when things go bad. She is in jail for a REASON.


I'm just debating lol, what? Am I not allowed to reply to people who disagree unless I say they are 100% right? This is an internet forum after all.... It's supposed to be an exchange of oppinions right?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Brian, of course you're allowed to discuss and debate, especially in your own thread. But here's my observation about people looking for advice in forums, here and elsewhere. 

They usually fall into two groups. The first group are people who find themselves in a new situation, and they have no knowledge or experience on how to deal with it. So they post, looking for input and guidance. They continue asking questions, getting more information. But they don't typically keep banging their head on a "solution" that everyone else says is a bad idea.

The second group has an idea. They know it's a bad idea, logically. Their friends say it's a bad idea. Their family says it's a bad idea. So they figure they'll look online for someone that will say that it's the best idea they've ever heard. They did it, and their life has been filled with kittens and rainbows ever since. This group will typically refuse to give up their idea in the face of facts or everyone else's opinions.

I'll let you decide which group you seem to be in...

If you really want to do it (and it sounds like you've decided to), knock yourself out. It won't affect the life of anyone else in here. We have no stake in the decision, either way. And good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

LOL! "She looks completely normal"....but she's in prison...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I see this a different way. It sounds like you are picking the weakest of the herd. Felon, limited job prospects, no money, etc. She becomes your friend while behind bars, you hope to score with her after she is realesed. Given that she will have nothing going for her, your plan will work.
Isn't that what is really going on here?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

I think you're asking for trouble...but of course, many women who've never been arrested aren't necessarily exemplory human beings morally.
I think if you're looking this hard for love that you would start scraping the prison system for potential matches..you need to back off and just learn to be alone. Ms.Right will come along when she's supposed to come along...and she might not even have handcuff dents in her wrists either!


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

PBear said:


> Brian, of course you're allowed to discuss and debate, especially in your own thread. But here's my observation about people looking for advice in forums, here and elsewhere.
> 
> They usually fall into two groups. The first group are people who find themselves in a new situation, and they have no knowledge or experience on how to deal with it. So they post, looking for input and guidance. They continue asking questions, getting more information. But they don't typically keep banging their head on a "solution" that everyone else says is a bad idea.
> 
> ...



I do take your oppinions into consideration, I'm not saying anyone of you are wrong.

It's just some things that I kinda question.

*I made this thread, mostly to find out if people would see me as some desperate creep... If people would think I'm some ugly loser who have to "settle" for a girl in prison lol, basicly if people would think I am a bad person for doing this.
*

I'm not really at all that concerned about if she is a bad person, if this situation is dangerous for me or if I will get manipulated. I know of those risks, and I'm not the type of guy to fall for it. 

I can understand older guys, like guys in their 30's or 40's who have never been able to intrest a girl at all and who is so desperate that they won't be able too see right so they'll get manipulated and taken advantage off by a female inmate. 

I can honestly say there's no chance what so ever that I will get manipulated, hurt or taken advantage off.

I'm way more concened that people will think I'm a desperate weirdo who has to "settle" for girls in prison. That's why I want to know what people would think.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I see this a different way. It sounds like you are picking the weakest of the herd. Felon, limited job prospects, no money, etc. She becomes your friend while behind bars, you hope to score with her after she is realesed. Given that she will have nothing going for her, your plan will work.
> Isn't that what is really going on here?


:iagree:

I watched a documentary once, that showed some men wanted women in prison, because they all ways knew where they were, kind of a form of controlling behaviour, if that makes sense.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

ok. i think you're a desperate weirdo for entertaining the idea of trolling the prison yard website for a woman.

sorry.

but chances are, you'll find a woman by normal means of communication like stepping on her toes in the grocery store or rearending her car at an intersection...then some day you may be talking and you'll have to come clean about things about your past that you aren't so proud of...like looking for love in prison penpals...

if you'd be ashamed for anyone to find out about this...you probably shouldn't do it.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

A few things in your last post make me think you still have some growing up to do:

1. Your primary concern in a bizarre situation is what other people think of you / how other people see you, not why the situation is basically universally accepted as bizarre.

2. Being absolutely convinced that you cannot be manipulated or hurt.

Big red flags for me. But you've got lots of advice and now you can make up your own mind.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I see this a different way. It sounds like you are picking the weakest of the herd. Felon, limited job prospects, no money, etc. She becomes your friend while behind bars, you hope to score with her after she is realesed. Given that she will have nothing going for her, your plan will work.
> Isn't that what is really going on here?


This is what I was worried people would think.

The thing is, why do these women say that they want a long term relationship, partner, romance etc if its so bad? Why do these type of sites even exist?

There's alot of women who have written to a male inmate and gotten together with them, I even saw a tv show about it! would you say that those women do it are also "picking the weakest of the herd"?

I have gotten dates on ******* and in real life, I have gone out with women. I even got asked out myself but that was when I was a teen(im 23 now). So I don't "have" to pick the weakest of the herd if thats what you think.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> ok. i think you're a desperate weirdo for entertaining the idea of trolling the prison yard website for a woman.


So if every man who writes to a woman imate is a desperate weirdo then why do these sites exist? There's probably several dozens of those inmate penpal sites with 1000's of profiles.... if every man who writes to one of those women is a desperate weirdo creep then there's no point to them at all really.

If the general oppinion among people would be that I'm a desperate weirdo creep if I wrote to this woman, I wouldn't do it. Because I know damn well that I'm not a creep and I don't want people to think I am one.

That's really all I wanted to know from this thread. Whetever people would think I'm a creep or not... lol


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

Honestly, yes, I think you are desperate weirdo creep for thinking about it. If you can get dates in “real” life outside the penal system, then why would you want to start a “relationship” with someone who has all these issues? Everyone has baggage but most people just have a carry-on instead of supersize suitcase. Relationships can be hard enough. Why would you want to start out with so many checks against you?

As to why these woman do it, well, let’s see… If I was sitting in jail, what better way to pass the time than to get mail, visitors, etc? What else better do I have to do?


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Brian. said:


> The thing is, why do these women say that they want a long term relationship, partner, romance etc if its so bad? Why do these type of sites even exist?


Because, Brian, it's not the CONVICTS who are going to judge you as creepy - it's everyone else - your family, friends, coworkers, etc. The convicts think it's great - they're lonely, they need connections on the outside for money, legal assistance, drugs, love, attention, comfort, a promise of a better tomorrow, whatever. The women are on those sites because they really really want to hook up with someone exactly like you. You aren't worried about what the girl thinks, you're worried about what everyone else thinks. Right? If your only concern is what the girl herself thinks, look at it this way: she's the one who posted her profile on the internet at a convict site. She isn't going to judge you!



> There's alot of women who have written to a male inmate and gotten together with them, I even saw a tv show about it! would you say that those women do it are also "picking the weakest of the herd"?


No, they're picking the "bad boy."

I don't think it's a question of *having* to pick the weakest of the herd. It's being drawn towards women who *need* you, don't have any other/better options, and who are, by law, not allowed to have contact with other males.


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

Why do these sites exist? Because there are a lot of desperate weirdo creeps out there.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Syrum said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I watched a documentary once, that showed some men wanted women in prison, because they all ways knew where they were, kind of a form of controlling behaviour, if that makes sense.


Nor am I controlling.

If people _think_ I'm a controlling, desperate, weirdo, creep for doing this... That's enough reason for me *not to write to her*

But I guess it's already to late, just that I considered it and made this thread is enough for people to think I am a controlling pervert


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Yeah, but we don't know you! It's not too late  

I don't think you're a creep, if it means anything to you . I think you're a very young man who is lonely and found a pretty face and doesn't want to know that it's not a good idea to contact her. 

It's probably for a different thread but you might want to think about why it's so important to you what other people think.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

omega said:


> You aren't worried about what the girl thinks, *you're worried about what everyone else thinks. Right?*


Yes. I wanted to know if this was an "acceptable" thing to do or if people would start throwing insulting accusations like calling me a controlling, desperate, weirdo, creep for even *thinking* about it.

It's not that I cant take peoples oppinions, but if by just *thinking* about it I'm some horrible creepy controlling guy... I think I am right in being offended. And I defenitley will not be writing to any incarcerated woman now, thats for sure lol.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

omega said:


> Yeah, but we don't know you! It's not too late
> 
> I don't think you're a creep, if it means anything to you . I think you're a very young man who is lonely and found a pretty face and doesn't want to know that it's not a good idea to contact her.
> 
> It's probably for a different thread but you might want to think about why it's so important to you what other people think.


Google her name, read up on news stories and court documents about what she did. Darlie Routier and Susan Smith at petite innocent looking women and they killed their kids. I'm jaded, I live in a prison town and the population of AIDS/HIV on inmates is super high. There's the odd diamond in the rough but I would rather be alone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

omega said:


> Yeah, but we don't know you! It's not too late
> 
> I don't think you're a creep, if it means anything to you . I think you're a very young man who is lonely and found a pretty face *and doesn't want to know that it's not a good idea to contact her. *
> 
> It's probably for a different thread but you might want to think about why it's so important to you what other people think.


Offcourse I didn't *want* to know it's a bad idea lol.

But if people are gonna think I'm a controlling weirdo creep for doing it... Then I just won't do it. I'm dissapointed that people think I'm a creep just by thinking about doing it... sure. Who wouldn't feel that way? 

With that said, I do understand peoples concerns about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The good news is that you are young. You have time to screw up your life multiple times over.

Why not write a guy in prison too? You could have a folsom threesome.

I think you are just playing with people here. But I will play along. So what specifically are you looking for from this woman?

Since this is a marriage site, we can presume a little in that you are looking for a long term relationship and maybe have kids.

What part of the life of a prison inmate / lifestyle works in your favor here?

I hear trust a lot from folks. Do you think inmates can be trusted more than most? 

Do you think their sexual history will be more compatible with yours?

Do you think they will show you more respect than some might?

Will they be able to be a good recreational partner for you. Enjoy similar activities?

Will you be able to communicate with them over the long term.

Are you willing to go through the situations where they have to go back to prison from time to time. Will you be able to watch the kids while they are doing time.

What type of offenses do you feel most meet your needs?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If you did not know the girl before contacting her while in prison, then this whole scenario is creepy in all it's varieties.

Let's review:

1. She's a convict because she is involved with drugs, specifically meth.

2. There are millions of women "out there" that are both not convicts and not involved with meth.

3. You want a date. You may even want a long-term committed relationship.

Or

4. You have some kind of strange bucket list. 

Personally, while I think everyone deserves love and affection, during prison is not the time to first cultivate such a thing.

The potential for it to go really bad is huge. Think of that guy who kidnapped that girl in Lake Tahoe and made her a sex slave for 18 years. His wife met him while he was in federal prison. And she actively helped his do his twisted things all that time.

Prisons are filled with people with major personality disorders such as BPD, narcissism, and bipolar problems. Not all, but a lot. 

There is so much to overcome even if what you are curious about seems aboveboard.

Your motives are in question, her motives are in question. There is much that is wrong about it.

Why can't you just find a nice girl who:

1. Doesn't do drugs

2. Is not and has never been in prison.

3. has a job.

4. Treats her self and others well.

5. Is fun to be around.

6. is interested in you and a future life together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Brian. said:


> It's not that I can't get any dates on normal dating sites or in real life. But why not increase the probability of finding someone right?


Why wuld you want to search for a potential, healthy, partner in the corrections system database for penpals? 

Seriously--why? You can't have a "normal" relationship, go on "normal" date, live together, have sex, all the odds and ins that go with a relationship.

It sounds like self-sabotage to me, destructive. Get into therapy to see why you'd even consider this as a good idea. Lots of red flags I am seeing here... in you.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> The good news is that you are young. You have time to screw up your life multiple times over.
> 
> Why not write a guy in prison too? You could have a folsom threesome.
> 
> I think you are just playing with people here.


Since you think I'm just "playing" with people here I don't even know why you bothered putting down the energy to continue to write after that sentence.

But no, I'm not "playing" or "trolling" or anything like that. I have noticed on alot of forums that every other person who starts a thread gets accused of playing or trolling just because the post was a little... different


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## Wolf1969 (Aug 5, 2011)

Brian. said:


> I'm just debating lol, what? Am I not allowed to reply to people who disagree unless I say they are 100% right? This is an internet forum after all.... It's supposed to be an exchange of oppinions right?


Seems to me you were asking a question...not starting a debate. You asked if it was OK or if it was creepy. Most people seem to think it's creepy or otherwise not a good idea. Then, you just try to justify why it's NOT wrong or creepy. Hey, it's your thread. Just calling a spade a spade. It's all good.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Since you think I'm just "playing" with people here I don't even know why you bothered putting down the energy to continue to write after that sentence.
> 
> But no, I'm not "playing" or "trolling" or anything like that. I have noticed on alot of forums that every other person who starts a thread gets accused of playing or trolling just because the post was a little... different


You know why I wrote this. This thread is out there dude. You know that too.  It is not a little different. 

It is .... creepy different.

But I gave you a very serious reply. Try answering the questions I put to you. They are directly related to serious marital needs. Go look at His Needs Her Needs if you are not familiar with needs.

If you avoid dealing with those you are not asking a serious question. The bird is in your hands Brian.


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why wuld you want to search for a potential, healthy, partner in the corrections system database for penpals?
> 
> Seriously--why? You can't have a "normal" relationship, go on "normal" date, live together, have sex, all the odds and ins that go with a relationship.
> 
> It sounds like self-sabotage to me, destructive. Get into therapy to see why you'd even consider this as a good idea. Lots of red flags I am seeing here... in you.


I have already decided not to do it but I will answer anyway.

My logic was that if I would do it, I would only contact a girl who gets out in the near future, and female inmates aren't nearly as bad as male inmates, alot of them on those sites seem relativley normal. That was the reasons I didn't think it was that bad.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I just went back and re-read your initial post. You were asking if it was ok and ethically correct to do--that is up to you to decide. 

If you want to do it, go for it. I think it's nuts but whatevs. Your life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Female inmates are WORSE than male inmates. A woman inmate would scare me LOL! I know a few male ex-cons but I wouldn't date them.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Most people who have relationships with inmates do so because they were in love with the person before. I think the bulk of these sites exist for gays/gals who have really big issues in their own past that would make a normal person avoid them like the plague. The are looking for people on equal ground.

I don't think you know much about the lifestyle that tends to pull people into prison for manufacturing. Women here are generally just the kind who tend to find trouble wherever they go. There is no fantasy romance going to happen here.

I did time as a minor in a special detention for boys because my sister dated guys from this world. It was the type of community I lived in. I was protective of my sister, and bad blood arose. Huge amounts of fighting just because I didn't think they were worthy of my sister. Twenty years later, if I go back there, they'll still remember and someone gets some nasty bruises. My sister's ex husband (a seller)gets out of prison for murder, guess who I also have to avoid?

Keep watching the movies about the fantasy of removing her from this world, but avoid it in real life, if you want my opinion. I just can't see writing to a trouble magnet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you care what random strangers on the Internet think? Why would that drive your behavior one way or another? More important (to me, anyway) would be what I think, followed by my family and then friends. Random strangers are fairly low on the list of people I'm concerned about.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Glad to see we have reached a decision.


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