# at the thought of finally getting out of serial cheater relationship?



## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

When you go from heart ache to just relief. When you are not consumend by what he ( or she ) is doing or thinking. When you dont snoop till your sick to your stomach. When you can finally laugh again . When the thought of being alone and happy far outways the stress of the rollercoaster "relationship". When you dont have all the answers but you no longer care about the questions. When what they do or say or dont do or say doesnt matter. When you stop expecting them to be the person you atleast thought you married. When you see them for who they are and not the person they portrayed themselves to be. When you see just how fake they are. When you no longer feel inferier to this fool. When the curtain is pulled back and all thats standing there is this small desperate poor excuse for a human being whos insecurity is so bad they run and hide when they are finally caught. When the liar is exposed. When you see some shred of light at the end of the tunnel knowing you might not ever be fully recovered but atleast your not in this nightmare anymore...........


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

Still married to my serial cheater of 9 years. I'm teary eyed just reading this. My eyes are finally opening and coming to see my CRAP a$$ marriage for what it is.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

I only found out he was a fake exactly 7 weeks ago come this Sunday. Together 6 years and 5 children together. The things he did are unreal but it because they are so unreal that I've been able to open my eyes. I had no choice. He gave me absolutley no room to think of any "maybe or what if's. His actions were LOUD AND CLEAR and there is no way I could look past any of it. As a mother its a work inprogress and I struggle with what and how to do it exaclty but as a woman is why I wrote that post. As a woman the relief fromt he reality of it all as much as it broke me was the best type of reality. Sometimes you are such denial that you excuse or dismiss some of the things you heard or think you heard or think you saw even. In my case he left no room for denail on my part. Its the difference in getting hit in the head with a hammer and your pain eventually goes away and you can almost forget how much it hurts to my reality and that is to get shot dead spiritually and emotionally. He left no chance of revival therefore the only thing I can do is look up from the ground.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

All i can say is OH GAWD. i know the feeling. Geez. My H has cheated on me our entire 9 years of marriage. Not sure if you read my story. We have three young children. The mess that this man has done to be including bringing home and STD is UNREAL. After all these years he finally agreed to MC. First session was last night. IT was so fake on his part. I will update the details on my post from yesterday.

I'm currently at the state where I'm FINALLY seeing this fake marriage for what it is. I'm now gonna attend IC to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Why on earth am i still trying to hold on to my mess of a marriage. Long road ahead of me.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

beautifuldreamer said:


> All i can say is OH GAWD. i know the feeling. Geez. My H has cheated on me our entire 9 years of marriage. Not sure if you read my story. We have three young children. The mess that this man has done to be including bringing home and STD is UNREAL. After all these years he finally agreed to MC. First session was last night. IT was so fake on his part. I will update the details on my post from yesterday.
> 
> I'm currently at the state where I'm FINALLY seeing this fake marriage for what it is. I'm now gonna attend IC to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Why on earth am i still trying to hold on to my mess of a marriage. Long road ahead of me.


I'll read your post! We have additional things in common unfortunatley. Fake MC . Like a fool I thought we were working on something but instead he was either coming from or going to his mistress all the while. Also, brought home STD. 

Im sorry to hear you are here with me. Im sorry you are learning what Im learning.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

stuck on hold said:


> When you go from heart ache to just relief. When you are not consumend by what he ( or she ) is doing or thinking. When you dont snoop till your sick to your stomach. When you can finally laugh again . When the thought of being alone and happy far outways the stress of the rollercoaster "relationship". When you dont have all the answers but you no longer care about the questions. When what they do or say or dont do or say doesnt matter. When you stop expecting them to be the person you atleast thought you married. When you see them for who they are and not the person they portrayed themselves to be. When you see just how fake they are. When you no longer feel inferier to this fool. When the curtain is pulled back and all thats standing there is this small desperate poor excuse for a human being whos insecurity is so bad they run and hide when they are finally caught. When the liar is exposed. When you see some shred of light at the end of the tunnel knowing you might not ever be fully recovered but atleast your not in this nightmare anymore...........


Good for you. It's a great feeling to finally get there. 

Now be 'careful'... my SA WW saw that detachment and joy at the idea of being without her. And she went into a panic. That's when she decided to start trickling more.... and I was sucked right back in since she was finally giving me answers to those old lingering questions where you knew there were lies.


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## beautifuldreamer (Sep 6, 2013)

stuck on hold said:


> I'll read your post! We have additional things in common unfortunatley. Fake MC . Like a fool I thought we were working on something but instead he was either coming from or going to his mistress all the while. Also, brought home STD.
> 
> Im sorry to hear you are here with me. Im sorry you are learning what Im learning.


Stuck on hold, what's your story? i would like to read it


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

stuck on hold said:


> When you go from heart ache to just relief. When you are not consumend by what he ( or she ) is doing or thinking. When you dont snoop till your sick to your stomach. When you can finally laugh again . When the thought of being alone and happy far outways the stress of the rollercoaster "relationship". When you dont have all the answers but you no longer care about the questions. When what they do or say or dont do or say doesnt matter. When you stop expecting them to be the person you atleast thought you married. When you see them for who they are and not the person they portrayed themselves to be. When you see just how fake they are. When you no longer feel inferier to this fool. When the curtain is pulled back and all thats standing there is this small desperate poor excuse for a human being whos insecurity is so bad they run and hide when they are finally caught. When the liar is exposed. When you see some shred of light at the end of the tunnel knowing you might not ever be fully recovered but atleast your not in this nightmare anymore...........


this is where I'm at: Finally enjoying my peace of , I don't need to know and I don't give 2 s** ts. I moved out, found my own place and have been legally separated one year. I'm making friends and slowly working my way to happiness....so what's wrong? NOW. he decides he needs therapy, now he is bothered by "not knowing" what I'm doing on a daily bases and assuming I'm with "him", whoever "him" is...he decided that MC is the answer after I suggested it, attended and kept it up for almost 2years. NOW, he's trying to rekindle by asking me to go with him to where he proposed to me back in 2008. 

My advice to self and Stuck on hold, don't wait around till it gets better, make it better and enjoy your success of getting out of a nightmare marriage. Good Luck and Be Blessed.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I admire your perseverance...


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Racer said:


> Good for you. It's a great feeling to finally get there.
> 
> Now be 'careful'... my SA WW saw that detachment and joy at the idea of being without her. And she went into a panic. That's when she decided to start trickling more.... and I was sucked right back in since she was finally giving me answers to those old lingering questions where you knew there were lies.



Yes yes yes, I can see how this may happen. When my H sees that Im ready to exit or give up he turns on the attention and charm. I need and will remind myself that its fake. Its only been 7 weeks and I've already seen the wishy washy in him.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

pepsi1967 said:


> this is where I'm at: Finally enjoying my peace of , I don't need to know and I don't give 2 s** ts. I moved out, found my own place and have been legally separated one year. I'm making friends and slowly working my way to happiness....so what's wrong? NOW. he decides he needs therapy, now he is bothered by "not knowing" what I'm doing on a daily bases and assuming I'm with "him", whoever "him" is...he decided that MC is the answer after I suggested it, attended and kept it up for almost 2years. NOW, he's trying to rekindle by asking me to go with him to where he proposed to me back in 2008.
> 
> My advice to self and Stuck on hold, don't wait around till it gets better, make it better and enjoy your success of getting out of a nightmare marriage. Good Luck and Be Blessed.


Im getting to that point of not giving 2 sh*ts. Im 90% there. I think if he were to just be the man he thinks he is and just leaves I would bt at 100%. 
Thank you. Unless this man ends up in a Coma unable to move or speak he will never speak the truth or be consistant. I KNOW the minute he's not around 24/7 is when Im going to have to really be strong.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

it-guy said:


> I just got here. Took almost 3 years. I dont reply much in threads these days, but this one stuck out to me. Thanks.


Im glad. I always say if my misery can help anyone than atleast something good came out of this nightmare. Im a work in progress. I feel 100% somedays and 75% other days. When my friends call to ask how Im doing I always say, "the same but atleast Im not crying anymore". One day I cried from 11pm till 5:30am. This is a trully a death you deal with. A death of the person you once were. You try so hard to get back to that person and take care of her / him. 

The best feeling is looking at the person who hurt you and seeing right through them. When you dont feel desperate for answers and acception. When you can care less where they are or what they are thinking. Funny though, he is the one that killed our family and he says that I need to make some decisions on where do we go from here. 

What a coward huh?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

stuck on hold said:


> When you go from heart ache to just relief. When you are not consumed by what he ( or she ) is doing or thinking. When you don't snoop till your sick to your stomach. When you can finally laugh again . When the thought of being alone and happy far outways the stress of the rollercoaster "relationship". When you dont have all the answers but you no longer care about the questions. . .


Stuck On Hold - that has to be one of the best posts I have read here on the whole sordid business of affairs. 
Every BS should print it out and stick it up on the wall! To remind us of who we are and what our WS has done to our world. I am so sorry this happened to you and your children. 
You said you only found out weeks ago. It is amazing that in that short time you are seeing the light. It took me a hell of a lot longer. 
Use that energy that came out in your post.
Don't get sucked back in like so many here including me. 
Don't waste any more time on him.




Racer said:


> Good for you. It's a great feeling to finally get there.
> 
> Now be 'careful'... my SA WW saw that detachment and joy at the idea of being without her. And she went into a panic. That's when she decided to start trickling more.... and I was sucked right back in since she was finally giving me answers to those old lingering questions where you knew there were lies.


Racer, with the help of advice on here, my behaviour has freaked WS out so much that he has begin to trickle truth. Last night I got the "We kissed in my car when I dropped her home" line. 
What? You mean like high school kids? 
Anyone out there heard that line before?:rofl: 
Ah yes, those lingering questions. 
But deep down we knew all along. 
Great to hear it from the horse's mouth though, from someone who was there. :smnotworthy:


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Thank you so much **********. That means a lot to me , yes even a stranger can make you smile. Yesterday I made a joke to a friend and she says, "how in the heck can you be in such good spirits and make OTHERS laugh when you are going through what you are going through", my response was simple, "Only God himself knows how" 

I think the reality of who he really just exploded into something I can’t deny. My relationship was so close and I really believed that my second time around was my gift from God. I went into this relationship with so much hope and with every bad lesson I learned from my first marriage I was determined to do this one right. So when I went into this older and wiser and really believed in him and I found out what I found out I had no choice but to recognize very soon that I cannot own this. I cannot take responsibility for this. I cannot allow him to do to me what my first husband did. Going through my first divorce I was not even a mother to my children. I was absent for 6 or 7 years from them. Of course I was there to feed them and cloth them but I was not interacting and being their mother. Always crying, always living in regret. He took my soul with him. My children suffered because of that. When I finally came out of that fog and looked back at my kids who were now 6 years older I had so much regret. I can’t ever get that time back. I can’t ever fix the past.

Now when I learned that my second husband did what he did I was distraught. I was devastated and I cried and felt like dying. I not only hurt for me, but I hurt for my children who had already been through so much and now here we are again. I felt responsible because they trusted him because of me. I wanted so badly to teach my children that there is something called love and you can believe . I wanted them to learn they MUST stand up for themselves and get out of a bad relationship when they are not respected so that’s why I left their dad and finally found a good man. This is your example. I said, he comes from a good family, he's made mistakes and he's learned from them , he's even dedicated himself to God. 

It kills me to even write this. It is the only time I cry. I don’t hurt for me half as much as I hurt for my children. Now I have to start all over but this time I am determined not to check out. So I focus on HIS faults and what HE did. I cannot and will not own this. His actions were loud and clear. All of our conversations were fake. I came into this relationship 100% of me and he was such a fake how can I care for his responses or whereabouts? The fact that he could do this AGAIN to his own children makes me realize that any question I have for him doesn’t justify his actions. When you can put your own children through despair for what will be now the 3rd time in their lives and also take someone else’s children and do the same to them, you don’t deserve my tears. So no..... I don’t care about the questions because I already have all the answers. He's not worth it. He made it loud and clear , he's just not worth it. So I worry about my children and where they are and how they feel. I ask them questions. I don’t care where he is and who he’s with………………..anymore


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I never had any transition period. I lost all respect the second I found out and knew I was married to a stranger. It was so creepy I wanted out ASAP. We were married 21 years. Poof, gone. I could never pretend to love a stranger.

He still repulses me although I am friendly for the children and I feel more sorry for him in many ways than I do myself. What a lost soul to have no conscience or standards or communication ability or security.....

It's a great feeling to look ahead no matter what the future.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

It's a great feeling to look ahead no matter what the future.....

words for me to live by, Thank you RUGS.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I never had any transition period. I lost all respect the second I found out and knew I was married to a stranger. It was so creepy I wanted out ASAP. We were married 21 years. Poof, gone. I could never pretend to love a stranger.
> 
> He still repulses me although I am friendly for the children and I feel more sorry for him in many ways than I do myself. What a lost soul to have no conscience or standards or communication ability or security.....
> 
> It's a great feeling to look ahead no matter what the future.


Rugs!!!! This is how I feel! I'm glad I'm not alone. Sometimes the sudden lost of respect feels like I'm in denial or just fooling myself. Am I running on adrenalin? Am I going to crash hard after this surge of " I don't care??!!" It's scary but if after 21 years you lost the respect in one poof I can feel safe about my feelings then. Just this morning I was staring at him and feeling nothing but disgust. Like I'm looking at a total stranger, a thief, a liar, a sneaky bast*rd. he thinks he's got everyone fooled. I see right through him for the first time in years. I use to live thinking...."no, he would never.....or could he???" Man oh man was I wrong. I just see the shell of the man I thought I was with. No respect. Zip, zero, nada.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stuck on hold said:


> Rugs!!!! This is how I feel! I'm glad I'm not alone. Sometimes the sudden lost of respect feels like I'm in denial or just fooling myself. Am I running on adrenalin? Am I going to crash hard after this surge of " I don't care??!!" It's scary but if after 21 years you lost the respect in one poof I can feel safe about my feelings then. Just this morning I was staring at him and feeling nothing but disgust. Like I'm looking at a total stranger, a thief, a liar, a sneaky bast*rd. he thinks he's got everyone fooled. I see right through him for the first time in years. I use to live thinking...."no, he would never.....or could he???" Man oh man was I wrong. I just see the shell of the man I thought I was with. No respect. Zip, zero, nada.


If this is where you are, then leaving as soon as possible makes sense. If you stay bitterness can take hold of you. Once it does it's very hard to get rid of.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Very true. I can feel the bitterness building daily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stuck on hold said:


> Very true. I can feel the bitterness building daily.


Fight it with all you have.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

So he asked what questions I have for him if any and "he'll answer what he can" . I said, I dont have any questions for you that I care to know the answer to. I dont know why you think this is about you? Its not. I have no respect for you, I dont trust you, and I have no desire to be in a relationship with you. The question is..........how do you want to deal with that? Why do you want to live here knowing that I feel that way about you? 

He had no responce. Amazing when you open your eyes and see your dealing with a mouse the things that come out of your mouth. Im not crying, Im not begging for answers. The questions are now.......WHY ARE YOU HERE?? 

Felt good. Thank you GOD


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

stuck on hold said:


> So he asked what questions I have for him if any and "he'll answer what he can" . I said, I dont have any questions for you that I care to know the answer to. I dont know why you think this is about you? Its not. I have no respect for you, I dont trust you, and I have no desire to be in a relationship with you. The question is..........how do you want to deal with that? Why do you want to live here knowing that I feel that way about you?
> 
> He had no responce. Amazing when you open your eyes and see your dealing with a mouse the things that come out of your mouth. Im not crying, Im not begging for answers. The questions are now.......WHY ARE YOU HERE??
> 
> Felt good. Thank you GOD


At least your cheater thinks he knows what you want and need. And that is the player part in him, he thinks that by "opening himswlf up", you will cave. "oh, sweety, I will answer any question, come on, ask away". All the while you will get more TT or more lies that will just continue the spiral downward if you allow it.

But you did not take his bait. Good for you.

And oh by the way, when he said they kissed in his car. That is just cheater code for "we had sex". 

Good for your sense of power. Still does not pay the bills but it is a huge relief to reach that point in your head.


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

Its a work in progress. Every day and every interaction is like a new fight. Its a new round. He'd had the nerve of having an attitude with me and even acting like he cant be bothered with me. It has not been all him bowing down at all. The days or moments when he is an *ss I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of my progress. Even though I do cry ( I dont let him see me cry ) and it hurts it actually helps me in the long run. He actually proves himself to be the *ss that I know he is so when he does try to act like a mouse it works less and less. He tells on himself. He lets me know that its just an act and whenever he feels comfortable enough or that Im not thinking of making any moves he is back to his old ways. Its only when he thinks or feels me slipping that he acts like he cares. So its not all me being superwoman, I have to talk to myself constantly. I text him yesterday telling him that I need to speak to him without the kids around because I need his 100% attention and he replied hours later saying he was at church and not to text him anout personal things unless its an emergency when he's at church because it messes with his mind set and the people at church need his 100% attention. This is 7 weeks after he was CRYING and BEGGED ME not to leave and break up the family AND that he almost killed himself . So 7 weeks ago he was having a break down and yesterday he doesnt want to be bothere with the issues HE put on ME ..............unreal 

I just replied to that........" I have no comment" 

He really and trully is an @#$(^@#$^&


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