# Getting older sucks



## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

Hi all,

As with any life, it's hard to boil it down into a nice paragraph or two, but I'll give it a try. 

My wife and I have been together for about 9 years.  We are passionate folk I suppose you can say. We were fantastically good at dating and being single. We got married, had a baby and then getting old seemed to pick up speed. Our boy is challenging. Not in a truly special needs kind of way, but he's smart, overly energetic and hasn't really developed much impulse control yet. All that is to say that my wife, who stays at home, spends 99% of her waking time being "mom". Which is great, and probably the right thing.

The problem is that after 7 years, we don't really have much of a relationship. We got older, which is to be expected, buy my wife seems to have given up on herself as an attractive woman or any kind of her own identity. Also, she had a hormonal problem which complicated things as well (now medicated). All the while the responsibilities of life keep multiplying and the time I have keeps shrinking. Through all this, I feel like I've tried to stay patient, but I honestly know I'm failing. I have a hard time remembering stuff she asks me to and I get frustrated more quickly than I know I should. And given that passionate part is still there, it seems like we fight constantly.

So, where does one go from here? I feel like this is the time in a guys life when he has a midlife crisis, buys a sports car and has an affair. Frankly, all that sounds like fun but I'm hoping to make a better decision. 

I saw the recommended reading list, I've read a few already and I'll check out the rest. But this has to be common and I don't want to end up a bitter old man. I do feel I might be in danger of that though, which sucks.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well you could always do what one of my uncle's does and get a new sexual partner circa every ten years.

Anyway my uncle seems pretty happy as does his latest most recent partner as well. You and your wife might also be happier finding new sexual partners.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Which is why I recommend, after things run their course with their future ex wife, men marry or otherwise be involved with woman between 8 and 10 years younger than them. In no circumstances should a guy get yoked to a so called cougar.


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

It sounds like the early consensus is that the trip to mommyland is one way?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> It sounds like the early consensus is that the trip to mommyland is one way?


It doesn't have to be, but all too often it is.

I suggest an honest, heart-to-heart conversation about this. Nothing accusatory or blaming, more of a "I miss how we were. Do you? Do you think we can get some of that back?" Then see what can be done, and if necessary, make lists, find sitters and make date appointments, take turns getting exercise and breaks from the routine, etc.

Of course, if she doesn't want to change things for the better, or doesn't see them as better, then you may be stuck or want to follow the advice of the previous posters.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> It sounds like the early consensus is that the trip to mommyland is one way?


No! I can't imagine why you think a trip to motherhood is one way.

I am 45 and my wife is almost 46, and we've been together for over twenty years (married 17+). Yet to date as always we have enjoyed sharing a great relationship with a tremendous high frequency sex life.

In our experience having two terrific children together (almost 16 & 13), has not seen our relationship and sex life suffer at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> Hi all,
> 
> As with any life, it's hard to boil it down into a nice paragraph or two, but I'll give it a try.
> 
> ...


Get a babysitter and start dating again. Make it a priority. Start being romantic with your wife again. Tell her when you think she looks attractive. Make her feel like a woman and not just a Mom.

Bottom line talk to your wife about it. That shouldn't be, look I sometimes feel like cheating, you should be more, I feel like we never date anymore. That kind of stuff. She can be an asset to you while you go through this if you do it the right way. But you can't demand that she change because you are, you need to encourage her to because it is fun and you love her.

I would also advise you to think long and hard about what notmyrealname4 said. My nephew was a "Special" kid, "he is just more sensitive then other kids". Meaning he was never disciplined. He now is entering high school. Has tons of problems mostly because his parents did him no favors and let him dominate the family. It has hurt all of their lives. He hangs out with the bad kids, doesn't apply his "genius" to his school work and is generally always acting out. It's way to late now to change that. Kids need disciple and structure. Yes even emotional smart kids.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Perhaps resolving issues with parenting might help your marriage.

Absent much information who knows what your marital problems are?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

is your wife a typical overachiever who has applied this mindset to motherhood?

do you think she has high anxiety and the need to control everything?

do you think she feels the need to compete against other mothers? 

being a mother is obviously a very important role but it is easy to see how certain personalities can get carried away with it.

you might try taking on a more active role in the parenting area and letting her see that things can be done differently (i.e., your way) and that things will still be OK.

When she sees you taking a different, more relaxed approach and still succeeding at "super parenting," she may give herself more permission to relax.

you will not get anywhere by arguing with her.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> Hi all,
> 
> As with any life, it's hard to boil it down into a nice paragraph or two, but I'll give it a try.
> 
> ...


Have you considered that your wife may be thinking the same things about you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> It sounds like the early consensus is that the trip to mommyland is one way?


Don't take swimming advice from people who don't swim!

Yes, your wife has lost her identity as a sexy, sexual woman. She has completely immersed herself in parenting a little person who takes and takes and takes and takes. She looks to you to help her get something back.

And it sounds like you're sheepishly admitting that you don't really have time for her, don't really have patience for her, and don't really listen to her. 

And you wonder why sex is so sparse?

Hold up you hand and smack your face into it! >

The mistake I think a lot of men make, at this point, is to go all out to bring back the sexy expecting the sexy and when it doesn't show up, or doesn't stick around long, you become angry or angrier.

Your wife slowly lost herself which means she must learn how to balance being the sexual wife with being the sexless mother. Women do not compartmentalism their roles like men do.
I'm a woman, and a mother, and a sister, and a wife....only one of those roles involves sex, if you don't count masturbation. :grin2:

Just for giggles, what do you guys argue about most?


ETA: I just realized this isn't about OP not getting laid, this is about OP feeling on the verge of ...something...which will not address the issues in his marriage at all.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It looks to me that your wife is too consumed with motherhood. She seems to have lost herself. I would think this would happen more easily when you have an only child, as they don't have siblings to entertain each other with. 
I've been a stay at home, homeschooling mother for over 20 years. I adore my kids. My world practically revolves around them, however, I have made a very specific point of having my own life and keeping myself up. I exercise almost every day. I eat for my health. I don't always dress great, but when I go out of the house, I make sure to look presentable. I regularly get dressed up and wear heals.
In all these years, my sex drive has not diminished and I always made time for sex.
This is with three kids home all day needing my attention for homeschooling and basic life.
In order to keep my sanity and my relationship with my husband, I made sure they didn't need me to entertain them, but they learned to entertain each other and themselves. They often spent time with friends either here or at their friend's houses.
These are learned skills. They don't come naturally. 
If your wife doesn't realize there is a problem, she's not going to do anything about it. You need to either get a babysitter or send your son to a friend's and then get some alone time with our wife to explain that things are going to have to change, because this is no kind of life. The child is of the utmost importance, but he is not the only person in the family with needs. You all have needs and all of those needs can be met within the family structure when operated properly. 
With your son in school, your wife should have plenty of time to take care of herself and have time with her friends and so forth, so she is not locked in mommy mode 24/7. There is more to life and she needs to find it in order for your marriage to survive. You need time alone together regularly. The child should go to bed earlier than you two and the rest of the evening should be devoted to your marriage relationship.
I do not recommend threatening your wife. If you are considering divorce, you owe it to your family to try to get things back on track. If you are considering divorce and your wife is resistant to making changes, you can let her know gently that her way of life will change if you divorce, but it would be wonderful for you both to make changes now that will enhance your lives and keep your family together, rather than later making changes based on a wrecked family and everyone in survival mode.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> I saw the recommended reading list, I've read a few already and I'll check out the rest. But this has to be common and I don't want to end up a bitter old man. I do feel I might be in danger of that though, which sucks.


Good, keep reading... 

Fall in Love, Stay in Love- Harley

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html

Instead of patiently waiting (_passively stewing_), be proactive. Be the captain of this relationship and lead it out of the doldrums, before one of you make a bad decision. 

A woman is as sexual as her man makes her feel. When was the last time you pursued and dated your wife?

BTW, 40+ years married with plenty of ups and downs. Take if from me, getting old doesn't kill the passion, we can do that all on our own. 

Best


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> I feel like this is the time in a guys life when he has a midlife crisis, buys a sports car and has an affair. Frankly, all that sounds like fun but I'm hoping to make a better decision.


Feel like you need to get a divorce, find a new place to live, divide up your assets, work out spousal/child support issues, and THEN go meet someone new and buy a sports car if you've got enough money left after the dust settles.


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

Thanks for all the advice so far. Let me add some more info since it seems relevant.

First our son. He has sensory processing disorder and he's dyslexic and he has a peanut allergy... I tend not to go into at great length since individually those things are all fairly straight forward to overcome. It just takes attention and work. Not to say he doesn't have his moments of being a punk, he is 7 afterall.  So he's not special as in an uncontrolled brat, he's special in that "I have to read the label of ever single thing that he ever might eat because if I do it wrong, it will kill him" kind of way. 

Interesting that many of you keyed in on the parenting skills part of it. Honestly I didn't spend much time around kids while I wasn't one myself. I never learned how to baby sit or had to watch my cousins or anything like that. Which just goes to say, I had to start learning a lot of that later and I'm probably not great at it... It's certainly not my core competency at any rate. My wife does tend to say I'm overly strict with him, but that's typically not the source of any real argument. I'd like to hear a little more about what @Anon1111 was thinking. You hit the nail on the head with the questions you asked. What's a relaxed approach to super parenting and where can I get it?  What's a good way to jump into being "more active"? It's not like I'm skipping out on things now. 

Oh, and for the affair talk. I'm not planning on doing that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I wonder how your wife learned to be a parent?

Your son has special needs, that takes not only time but extraordinary patience. And you've already admitted you're not blessed in the zen department. That's okay, but you can't leave all the parenting to your wife. When husbands do that you know what they become? Another child in the house who has to be told what to do. And guess how much a woman wants to have sex with a child?

So what's really bothering you? The sex, or the fact that your wife hasn't exactly taken care of herself?

Also, read @anchorwatch 's post again.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Which is why I recommend, after things run their course with their future ex wife, men marry or otherwise be involved with woman between 8 and 10 years younger than them. In no circumstances should a guy get yoked to a so called cougar.


Oh yes, the throw-away revolving-door women solution ... surely that will solve the problem. /SARCASM

:slap:


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> I wonder how your wife learned to be a parent?
> 
> Your son has special needs, that takes not only time but extraordinary patience. And you've already admitted you're not blessed in the zen department. That's okay, but you can't leave all the parenting to your wife. When husbands do that you know what they become? Another child in the house who has to be told what to do. And guess how much a woman wants to have sex with a child?
> 
> ...


First, thanks for acknowledging our boy's "specialness". His cousin has CP so by comparison, our struggle doesn't seem to rate. 

As for the parenting training part. My wife is from a huge family, has something like 45 first cousins and went to school to be a montessori teacher. On the other hand, I come from a tiny nuclear family, grow up with no other family near by and went to school to study mathematics. I am fully outclassed, I'll admit it.

Lastly, the part that honestly bothers me the most is that she doesn't take an interest in, or seem to value herself or care for herself. We have sex often enough. Like I said, we have passion... 

Also, anchorwatch's books are on order...


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> First our son. He has sensory processing disorder and he's dyslexic and he has a peanut allergy


Too bad there's no lemon law when it comes to children.

"Hello, I'd like to trade this model in for one without all of the issues, how about that bright shiny one over there in the corner".

You just never know what you're going to get, and you're stuck with it for like..well the rest of your natural life.

Just found out my grandson who was 3 years old last week isn't speaking or potty trained. 

I feel like asking my estranged daughter if his birth certificate says "transferrable by owner" on the back.


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Too bad there's no lemon law when it comes to children.
> 
> "Hello, I'd like to trade this model in for one without all of the issues, how about that bright shiny one over there in the corner".
> 
> ...


Mclane, please go project your personal baggage on other people's lives. Thanks.

I typically ignore trolls, but I'm genuinely interested if anything I said while explaining what made raising my boy challenging would be leave a clear thinking person to believe that I somehow love him less or would trade him for a "shiny one". Obviously that is a question for someone besides the commenter to answer.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> but I'm genuinely interested if anything I said while explaining what made raising my boy challenging would be leave a clear thinking person to believe that I somehow love him less or would trade him for a "shiny one". Obviously that is a question for someone besides the commenter to answer.


Although I posted on your thread I wasn't directing my comment specifically at you, I'm sorry if you took it personally.

I'm in the medical field and I see all sorts of dysfunction, and developmental issues, and problem children, and I see all these stressed and overwhelmed parents, and I see the collateral damage done to relationships between the parents that otherwise might have had a happy, fulfilling life but instead their time is completely full of providing care to these difficult children, added to that is the recent discovery that my grandson is probably going to be one of them and I was just sort of taking the opportunity to vent.

Again, my apologies. I'll delete the post upon request.

Your forum friend,

Mclane


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Red Sonja said:


> Oh yes, the throw-away revolving-door women solution ... surely that will solve the problem. /SARCASM
> 
> :slap:


Red, just to clarify what I'm getting at, if a man and a woman divorce for what ever reason, the man should focus her replacement, and as bad as it sounds folk do think of a replacement, on a woman 8-10 younger if the man is approaching or reached middle age or beyond. If he does it right, there ain't no next time. But if she leaves, once again he should go for 8-10 years younger.
On the other side of the coin, most men are not going to be completely contented with a wife 8-10 years older. Me being in my late sixties, and I'm on an ad for the "geriatric" men at a string of gyms, can't imagine having a wife in their late seventies. My younger wife of 20+ years, treats me like the hottest man on around.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mclane said:


> Too bad there's no lemon law when it comes to children.
> 
> 
> I feel like asking my *estranged* daughter if his birth certificate says "*transferrable by owner*" on the back.





At first glance, it would appear the above comment was meant in jest, though snide and cruel. But having read enough of your other posts I'm guessing you make a habit of snide and cruel comments.

There can be no wonderment in why your daughter is estranged.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> At first glance, it would appear the above comment was meant in jest, though snide and cruel. But having read enough of your other posts I'm guessing you make a habit of snide and cruel comments.
> 
> There can be no wonderment in why your daughter is estranged.


None whatsover. 

I speak my mind. Some respect that, most walk away.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> Thanks for all the advice so far. Let me add some more info since it seems relevant.
> 
> First our son. He has sensory processing disorder and he's dyslexic and he has a peanut allergy... I tend not to go into at great length since individually those things are all fairly straight forward to overcome. It just takes attention and work. Not to say he doesn't have his moments of being a punk, he is 7 afterall.  So he's not special as in an uncontrolled brat, he's special in that "I have to read the label of ever single thing that he ever might eat because if I do it wrong, it will kill him" kind of way.


this is very relevant and explains your wife's anxiety.

on the peanut thing, I don't need to tell you, but a small slip up could have huge consequences. 

on the sensory processing disorder, I am familiar with this as both my kids have this diagnosis. this is often not a "visible" disability or one that people are widely familiar with. so no doubt it has taken a lot of work by your wife to understand it and to find suitable therapy. also, she likely has to explain the issue to people over and over again, which is annoying and stressful. finally, she probably has to have more than typical patience with your child as she helps him process things.

the dyslexic thing is obviously another issue which can make schooling very stressful. it's also another "invisible" disability, which again is stressful in that you have to constantly identify it to people to explain behavior.

so at the end of the day, even though you only have 1 child, his profile creates a situation ripe for anxiety for your wife.

she likely expends a huge amount of mental energy trying to manage these issues each day and probably does not feel that she has anything left over to manage the stress of your relationship with her.

this kind of sucks for you, no doubt, but it also sucks for her. She probably does not want to feel the way she does, but this is how she manages.

try to put yourself in her position and imagine how she feels.



CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> Interesting that many of you keyed in on the parenting skills part of it. Honestly I didn't spend much time around kids while I wasn't one myself. I never learned how to baby sit or had to watch my cousins or anything like that. Which just goes to say, I had to start learning a lot of that later and I'm probably not great at it... It's certainly not my core competency at any rate. My wife does tend to say I'm overly strict with him, but that's typically not the source of any real argument. I'd like to hear a little more about what @Anon1111 was thinking. You hit the nail on the head with the questions you asked. What's a relaxed approach to super parenting and where can I get it?  What's a good way to jump into being "more active"? It's not like I'm skipping out on things now.
> 
> Oh, and for the affair talk. I'm not planning on doing that.


You have you own individual relationship with your son, which is different from what he has with your wife.

With your wife, I am guessing that there is a very precise routine and everything is highly managed. This would go along with the whole overachiever mother thing.

With you, things might be looser. But you still can manage things well. 

If you can take control of your time with your son more often and do less of simply going along with whatever plan your wife has for him, she can see you leading him with your own approach which is probably not as micromanaging as hers.

She will probably have one of two reactions to this. She will either get jealous that you're able to get away with exercising less control than she does or she will be relieved to see that less control actually works and give herself permission to do something similar.

It may even start out as a jealousy and evolve into inspiration after a while.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Mclane said:


> Too bad there's no lemon law when it comes to children.
> 
> "Hello, I'd like to trade this model in for one without all of the issues, how about that bright shiny one over there in the corner".
> 
> ...


dude, this is lame.

these are people you're talking about, not cars.

you are flawed too.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> First, thanks for acknowledging our boy's "specialness". His cousin has CP so by comparison, our struggle doesn't seem to rate.
> 
> As for the parenting training part. My wife is from a huge family, has something like 45 first cousins and went to school to be a montessori teacher. On the other hand, I come from a tiny nuclear family, grow up with no other family near by and went to school to study mathematics. I am fully outclassed, I'll admit it.
> 
> ...



You are giving yourself a pass that you do not deserve. I was youngest in my family, youngest of all my MANY cousins and never babysat. Although my education was psychology/child development, I had zero experience with children. When I became pregnant I was terrified, I had never even held a baby. But I remember the tutelage of one my favorite teachers who said "no parent becomes a parent knowing how to parent, the job is learn as you go." A parent learns what they need to know, as they need to know it. 

If you want your wife to remember what it was like getting dressed for an important date, what it was like looking in the mirror and liking what she saw, you're going to HAVE to give her the space and time to do such.

This means you take a much more hands on role with your son.

This means you might give her a gift of a day at a salon where she can get her hair colored, cut, and styled; followed by a full body massage, followed by a nice long soak in the luxurious soaking tubs all good spas provide. 

Check around your area for spas that offer mommy make over days. Heavenly!!!

If you want her to remember that she is a woman (who is attractive and sexy) as well as a parent, you must provide her regular and ample opportunity to spend time on herself and away from her son. But she must feel confidence in your parenting to do that with regularity. And that means you step up big time, daily. So she can see for her own how well you parent and how well your son responds.

Instead of or maybe along with the books @anchorwatch suggested, I think your time, for now, may be better spent here: https://www.spdstar.org/basic/home-activities

Partner with her, don't leave her to do it on her own.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Mclane said:


> Although I posted on your thread I wasn't directing my comment specifically at you, I'm sorry if you took it personally.
> 
> I'm in the medical field and I see all sorts of dysfunction, and developmental issues, and problem children, and I see all these stressed and overwhelmed parents, and I see the collateral damage done to relationships between the parents that otherwise might have had a happy, fulfilling life but instead their time is completely full of providing care to these difficult children, added to that is the recent discovery that my grandson is probably going to be one of them and I was just sort of taking the opportunity to vent.
> 
> ...


maybe you should take some time to talk to some of these parents.

you might be surprised to find that along with all of the stress is very often gratitude at being given the opportunity to learn something really important about life.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You are giving yourself a pass that you do not deserve. I was youngest in my family, youngest of all my MANY cousins and never babysat. Although my education was psychology/child development, I had zero experience with children. When I became pregnant I was terrified, I had never even held a baby. But I remember the tutelage of one my favorite teachers who said "no parent becomes a parent knowing how to parent, the job is learn as you go." A parent learns what they need to know, as they need to know it.
> 
> If you want your wife to remember what it was like getting dressed for an important date, what it was like looking in the mirror and liking what she saw, you're going to HAVE to give her the space and time to do such.
> 
> ...


I like this but I would offer another variation which I think works even better than giving her "alone time."

yes you need to give her alone time but the following I think is even more important.

give her "together time" with both you and your son, but YOU BE IN CHARGE of the together time.

she'll see you taking care of both him and her and she can spend time with her child and you stress free.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mclane said:


> None whatsover.
> 
> I speak my mind. Some respect that, most walk away.


Perhaps you should start a thread asking for help in learning to consider the feelings of others rather than insisting they accept you as you are, the cruel, snide man who speaks his mind and doesn't care who he hurts because giving others the benefit of his cruelty is more important to him than those he hurts.

That's far too long of a title. Try this one instead: "_Why am I selfcentered and inconsiderate?"_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> I like this but I would offer another variation which I think works even better than giving her "alone time."
> 
> yes you need to give her alone time but the following I think is even more important.
> 
> ...




Yes, I agree. A much better approach! Your experience as a father of 2 kids with SPD, your insight is invaluable!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

the other thing I would add is that you have to look at stepping up in the parenting arena as a goal in itself.

you can't do it simply as a means to an end of getting your wife to be better.

if you do, it will backfire.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Red, just to clarify what I'm getting at, if a man and a woman divorce for what ever reason, the man should focus her replacement, and as bad as it sounds folk do think of a replacement, on a woman 8-10 younger if the man is approaching or reached middle age or beyond. If he does it right, there ain't no next time. But if she leaves, once again he should go for 8-10 years younger.
> On the other side of the coin, most men are not going to be completely contented with a wife 8-10 years older. Me being in my late sixties, and I'm on an ad for the "geriatric" men at a string of gyms, can't imagine having a wife in their late seventies. My younger wife of 20+ years, treats me like the hottest man on around.



It always makes me laugh. As men get older, their desire for sex decreases. As women get older their desire for sex increases. So you're in your late 60's with a wife in her late 40's? Who is satisfying her unusually strong hunger for sex as she goes through perimenopausal?


This is why women become "Cougars" in the first place. Men their age and older don't have the stamina that younger men have. Although I personally would find it distasteful to be the teaching partner so these younger men learn what the hell to do with the squirming body in front of them, I much prefer the experienced hand to the untutored.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @CompletelyMadeUpName
> 
> The following is not directed at you specifically, but if you can enlighten me, I'd sure appreciate any info you can impart.
> 
> ...


I know this wasn't addressed at me, but I also have kids who have significant food allergies and special needs so take this FWIW

my theory is that the increased prevalence of these things is due to a few factors. 

#1, I think in the past a lot of stuff was undiagnosed that gets diagnosed now. So that "weird" kid you knew in school that was acting out all the time likely had special needs that were undiagnosed. Pretty sad when you think about how all of the other kids picked on him when you think about it.

#2, harmful chemicals cumulatively build up in the environment. Just like how mercury builds up in the fish food chain so that by the time it gets to tuna it becomes highly concentrated, this phenomena plays out all across the ecosystem. So the decades of people chemically treating their lawns, generations upon generations of chemically treated crops, livestock, etc-- all of this builds up in ways that are hard to understand what the effects might be. I think it is very reasonable to think that this has had an effect on overall health

#3 women are on average having children later in life compared to prior generations. 

#4 people are less exposed to helpful bacteria. this is another offshoot of the takeover of processed foods, but also an aspect of a more indoor, sedentary society.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Red, just to clarify what I'm getting at, if a man and a woman divorce for what ever reason, the man should focus her replacement, and as bad as it sounds folk do think of a replacement, on a woman 8-10 younger if the man is approaching or reached middle age or beyond. If he does it right, there ain't no next time. But if she leaves, once again he should go for 8-10 years younger.
> On the other side of the coin, most men are not going to be completely contented with a wife 8-10 years older. Me being in my late sixties, and I'm on an ad for the "geriatric" men at a string of gyms, can't imagine having a wife in their late seventies. My younger wife of 20+ years, treats me like the hottest man on around.


Clarifying just makes it worse.

:slap:


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Get away together, do something really fun, preferably something that she suggests. You both are burned out and a need a change from the mundane.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> First, thanks for acknowledging our boy's "specialness". His cousin has CP so by comparison, our struggle doesn't seem to rate.
> 
> As for the parenting training part. My wife is from a huge family, has something like 45 first cousins and went to school to be a montessori teacher. On the other hand, I come from a tiny nuclear family, grow up with no other family near by and went to school to study mathematics. I am fully outclassed, I'll admit it.
> 
> ...



I know a few couples with special need kids. It is certainly much more work involved to care for these children. It is sometimes hard to balance parenting the child and keep the marriage alive. However, these couples I know do succeed in both. I have noticed that as the children age, attending to every need gets less. This allows each couple to reconnect. 

Perhaps you W does not take care of herself because she feels you do not care or a room mate?


But to address your thread title(Getting Older Sucks). For me and my W it has gotten better. Our kids are doing their own thing. My W and I do what we want. In short, rediscovered each other. Lots of fun.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> I know this wasn't addressed at me, but I also have kids who have significant food allergies and special needs so take this FWIW
> 
> my theory is that the increased prevalence of these things is due to a few factors.
> 
> ...


I'll buy #'s 1, 3 & 4. (especially #1 & #4)

#2 is Greenpeace propaganda.

I'd include men being older in #3


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I'll buy #'s 1, 3 & 4. (especially #1 & #4)
> 
> #2 is Greenpeace propaganda.
> 
> I'd include men being older in #3


I don't think #2 on its own would do it, but if you have a child which is borderline, I can see this stuff being a contributing factor

I will admit it's total speculation


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

Mclane said:


> Although I posted on your thread I wasn't directing my comment specifically at you, I'm sorry if you took it personally.
> 
> I'm in the medical field and I see all sorts of dysfunction, and developmental issues, and problem children, and I see all these stressed and overwhelmed parents, and I see the collateral damage done to relationships between the parents that otherwise might have had a happy, fulfilling life but instead their time is completely full of providing care to these difficult children, added to that is the recent discovery that my grandson is probably going to be one of them and I was just sort of taking the opportunity to vent.
> 
> ...


No worries, it's easy to get carried away with kids stuff. I imagine kids of kids is probably as stressful. That's actually why I asked for clarification. Glad to hear it wasn't for me really. It is hard to deal with the randomness of life sometimes. If things happened slightly differently the outcomes could be drastically different...


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @CompletelyMadeUpName
> 
> The following is not directed at you specifically, but if you can enlighten me, I'd sure appreciate any info you can impart.
> 
> ...


There really isn't a known cause. There are lots of studies that have gone on. Lots of theories have been put forward. Allergy rates in general have been on a slow increase for industrialized nations for a while, but food allergies and a few other things have been sky rocketing. Oddly, things like eczema are also increasing at almost exactly the same rate. So clearly it has something to do with modern society, but whether it's food or environmental or something goofy like radio waves, no one knows. So many things have increased at a similar rate that there are tons of correlations but no real causation.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> There really isn't a known cause



It's aliens! They're visiting us and the cosmic dust they bring with me is causing immune systems to go haywire.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> There really isn't a known cause. There are lots of studies that have gone on. Lots of theories have been put forward. Allergy rates in general have been on a slow increase for industrialized nations for a while, but food allergies and a few other things have been sky rocketing. Oddly, things like eczema are also increasing at almost exactly the same rate. So clearly it has something to do with modern society, but whether it's food or environmental or something goofy like radio waves, no one knows. So many things have increased at a similar rate that there are tons of correlations but no real causation.


Yeah well ya know what I think?

Women used to breastfeed their kids for a year. This is what babies are supposed to eat, not freaking factory produced formulas. 

Introducing "solid" foods to kids before their bodies are ready (peanut butter, mashed bananas, formula concoctions or pablum containing wheat, whatever) alert the immune system to reject these substances because their body is not ready for it. This rejection does not turn off.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

While it's true that exclusively breast fed babies for at least a year tend to have less allergies, breast feeding doesn't prevent allergies.

What I find absolutely fascinating about breast milk, is that it's composition changes as the baby changes. Mind blowing! There is even bacteria in breast milk that AIDS in digestion. That bacteria is only found in breast milk and it's only purpose is to aid digestion. Mind blowing!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

VladDracul said:


> Which is why I recommend, after things run their course with their future ex wife, men marry or otherwise be involved with woman between 8 and 10 years younger than them. In no circumstances should a guy get yoked to a so called cougar.


As long as these men let these "future ex wives" know this plan ahead of time so they can decide if they want to get married to a man who has stamped an expiration date on their forehead. 

And this whole idea that men at the gym are just yucked out by women around their own age is the most disrespectful thing I can imagine. 

"Hey thanks for ruining the best years of your life on me and having my kids and stuff, but honestly now you are old you are just gross, please step aside and make room for a hottie ten years younger than me, I deserve it. Good luck in the nursing home praying the kids come visit while I'm living life large."


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Personal said:


> No! I can't imagine why you think a trip to motherhood is one way.
> 
> I am 45 and my wife is almost 46, and we've been together for over twenty years (married 17+). Yet to date as always we have enjoyed sharing a great relationship with a tremendous high frequency sex life.
> 
> In our experience having two terrific children together (almost 16 & 13), has not seen our relationship and sex life suffer at all.


I think having normal kids must be easy. Special needs kids, through, usually wreck a marriage. It did mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Begin again said:


> I think having normal kids must be easy. Special needs kids, through, usually wreck a marriage. It did mine.


No surprise to hear that at all. They suck the life out of you.

I'm not passing judgement, and I'm not blaming the kids, it's just the facts.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Mclane said:


> No surprise to hear that at all. They suck the life out of you.
> 
> I'm not passing judgement, and I'm not blaming the kids, it's just the facts.


I do wonder how people with normal kids would fare if they had mine. Would it shake up their marriage? When your kid is making honor roll while mine is three years behind his grade level in reading and we've spent thousands of dollars and hours just to keep him in his special school... Could that other, seemingly happy couple handle it? It's not that you don't love your kid... But it's the focus it takes, every day, to keep your kid afloat that takes it out of you. 

I think that's where some men walk - they don't understand that a mother with a child like this has to make a choice. And it's not going to be her husband, because he can take care of himself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Begin again said:


> I think having normal kids must be easy. Special needs kids, through, usually wreck a marriage. It did mine.


I have no doubt having special needs kids must be quite tough on relationships, and am sorry to read that it has contributed to the destruction of your own marriage.


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## CompletelyMadeUpName (Jul 18, 2016)

As odd as it may sound, it's comforting to know that this isn't just an easy thing that I'm not good at. Apparently it's a kind of hard thing them I'm not great at... 

I asked my wife out on a date a couple days ago. She was slightly shocked but she said yes, so I think that's a good thing.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> ...
> I asked my wife out on a date a couple days ago. She was slightly shocked but she said yes, so I think that's a good thing.


That's a sign of _hope_.

Have you completed reading MMSLP ?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Begin again said:


> I do wonder how people with normal kids would fare if they had mine. Would it shake up their marriage? When your kid is making honor roll while mine is three years behind his grade level in reading and we've spent thousands of dollars and hours just to keep him in his special school... Could that other, seemingly happy couple handle it? It's not that you don't love your kid... But it's the focus it takes, every day, to keep your kid afloat that takes it out of you.
> 
> I think that's where some men walk - they don't understand that a mother with a child like this has to make a choice. And it's not going to be her husband, because he can take care of himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally understand what you are saying. Wouldn't it be cool to just drop off your child at the neighborhood school without another thought? simple things that a lot of people take for granted.

I think in these families the marriages that were already strong can get stronger but the ones that had weaknesses it brings those weaknesses into stark relief.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Begin again said:


> I do wonder how people with normal kids would fare if they had mine. Would it shake up their marriage? When your kid is making honor roll while mine is three years behind his grade level in reading and we've spent thousands of dollars and hours just to keep him in his special school... Could that other, seemingly happy couple handle it? It's not that you don't love your kid... But it's the focus it takes, every day, to keep your kid afloat that takes it out of you.
> 
> I think that's where some men walk - they don't understand that a mother with a child like this has to make a choice. And it's not going to be her husband, because he can take care of himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I just wanted to say your post above is poignant and very touching in its sadness. I remember when my nephew was going through testing for what would eventually be autism spectrum, my brother was just so worried about his future. Heart breaking. We parents who are lucky enough to have regular kids need to be more gratefully aware of the struggles other families cope with.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I too recommend dating your wife again. I am 47 and my wife is 42. I'm taking her out tonight to see the new Star Trek movie and out to dinner at a new restaurant. Maybe I'll even get lucky afterwards


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

CompletelyMadeUpName said:


> I saw the recommended reading list, I've read a few already and I'll check out the rest.


There's a recommended reading list? Where?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> There's a recommended reading list? Where?


The first thread in this men's section. 

Here it is... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html

Best


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> The first thread in this men's section.
> 
> Here it is... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html
> 
> Best


LOL! I didn't even know there WAS a men's section...I find thread just by clicking on "new posts" or "recent discussions". Now I know!


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