# Wife Is Afraid of Me, Can't Ask to Go Out Wih Her Friends



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'm pretty much the doormat nice guy type of husband and mostly I don't mind it. Late Thursday night a couple weeks ago, my wife asks real quick if she can go out with her friends tomorrow (Friday) and I said OK since it wasn't a big enough deal to get into a fight over. So about 8:05PM Friday she bolts out the door and doesn't come back until after midnight. 

So I take exception to this and she say that she is "afraid of me" and that she was afraid to ask me in advance about going out even though she knew long before. She also said that her fearfulness was the reason for several other inconsiderate or divisive things she had done.

I'm not really sure where to go with this. Seriously, I have a wallflower, doormat type of personality or at least that's what I bring to our marriage, and I can't imagine anyone being afraid of me although I have to suppose it is possible.

My question to the forum is what I can do about having anything I might take exception to being explained as being caused by fearfulness. Where do I go with this? It's really hard to imagine anyone being less fearsome than me, but this is what's on my plate today. Please help


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I'm pretty much the doormat nice guy type of husband and mostly I don't mind it. Late Thursday night a couple weeks ago, my wife asks real quick if she can go out with her friends tomorrow (Friday) and I said OK since it wasn't a big enough deal to get into a fight over. So about 8:05PM Friday she bolts out the door and doesn't come back until after midnight.
> 
> So I take exception to this and she say that she is "afraid of me" and that she was afraid to ask me in advance about going out even though she knew long before. She also said that her fearfulness was the reason for several other inconsiderate or divisive things she had done.
> 
> ...


Do you think the solution is to become more of a doormat so she fears nothing?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I'm pretty much the doormat nice guy type of husband and mostly I don't mind it. Late Thursday night a couple weeks ago, my wife asks real quick if she can go out with her friends tomorrow (Friday) and I said OK since it wasn't a big enough deal to get into a fight over. So about 8:05PM Friday she bolts out the door and doesn't come back until after midnight.
> 
> So I take exception to this and she say that she is "afraid of me" and that she was afraid to ask me in advance about going out even though she knew long before. She also said that her fearfulness was the reason for several other inconsiderate or divisive things she had done.
> 
> ...


Reckon your wife was fearing your reaction to her true motivations for going out.

Bob


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Reckon your wife was fearing your reaction to her true motivations for going out.
> 
> Bob


That was my thinking as well. Is this the first time she said she was "afraid of you?" For that to come out of the blue is kind of odd.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My wife went through a stage where she used to bolt out the door on Saturday nights with her wingwoman. It would literally be the first time I was told she was going out: as I watched her ass run to the neighbors house. Would leave me and our two children (3 and 6 mos. at the time) with no notice. Any more notice than that and it would give me opportunity to ask where she's going, what her plans are, and how she plans on getting home safely.

It didn't have to end when she got a call from one of the guys she hooked up with on one of these nights out. You know, spur of a drunken moment turned into a bad idea. But when she called him back immediately and set up a date, that was it. No more single fun with her wingwoman and the boys.

Your wife is hardly afraid of you. She is taking advantage of your weakness to be able to go out and party with the boys. Ask her what she does when she's out. Where she goes. Does she meet men? Talk to them? Dance with them? Flirt with them? Do her and her friend make a game out of not having to buy a single drink while they're out?

Girls nights out CAN be OK. If they start with running out of the house with no notice, I can GUARANTEE they're bad.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like the fog. She is "bad guy"ing you, because she may have a "good guy" on hold.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why were you taking exception? Does she have a curfew? Does she turn into a pumpkin @ midnight?


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why were you taking exception? Does she have a curfew? Does she turn into a pumpkin @ midnight?


hmmmm was wondering that myself.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Start disappearing without notice in the evenings and coming home after midnight. When she expresses displeasure, as she surely will, tell her you would have liked to discuss your plans with her but you were too afraid of her. Sometimes the way to greet deviations from the "rules" of decent behavior is just to embrace the new change and let them take a few bites of the crap sandwich they prepared for you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why were you taking exception? Does she have a curfew? Does she turn into a pumpkin @ midnight?


I really don't mind being treated like dirt most of the time but even I have to draw the line someplace. 

I can't remember her being afraid of me before but I suppose it's possible. I think it's all contrived but taking it on face value I'm looking for a suggestion of how to respond.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I really don't mind being treated like dirt most of the time but even I have to draw the line someplace.


It's hard to up and demand respect when you've rarely asked for it before.

Where's your self esteem, ten year hubby? Why is it that you don't mind being treated like dirt? Just curious.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I really don't mind being treated like dirt most of the time but even I have to draw the line someplace. 

I was treated like dirt from family, "friends" and peers throughout most of my early life, but my M is sacred, and I made up my mind from the get-go that I would not tolerate it in my M.

"Et tu, Brute?"


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MGirl said:


> Where's your self esteem, ten year hubby? Why is it that you don't mind being treated like dirt? Just curious.


Luckily, my self esteem is not tied to my marriage relationship. I really don't mind the way I'm treated and sometime I even find it amusing. My wife has a lot of issues and it's not clear she can be respectful in an intimate relationship. I'm not really looking to fix this.

My question is regarding using the excuse "I'm afraid of you" as a reason for being thoughtless and inconsiderate. Assuming that she really is afraid of me for whatever reason, I see this as needing some action on my part and I'm wondering what to do.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I really don't mind being treated like dirt most of the time but even I have to draw the line someplace.
> 
> I was treated like dirt from family, "friends" and peers throughout most of my early life, but my M is sacred, and I made up my mind from the get-go that I would not tolerate it in my M.
> 
> "Et tu, Brute?"


Exactly the opposite for me. My character and actions get me plenty of respect from the external world but there is (and always has been) a disconnect in my married life. This is not a bad as it might seem. I'm just wondering what to do/say about her being afraid of me.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why were you taking exception? Does she have a curfew? Does she turn into a pumpkin @ midnight?


I think she should have called or let me know if she was planning to be out later than bed time. But the real issue here is the lack of notice about something we both agree was kind of unusual


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TenYear,

People tend to wipe their feet on doormats.

I have to admit, it's surprising to encounter someone who is in touch with their inner doormat and is ok with it:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Here's some things to consider.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I think she should have called or let me know if she was planning to be out later than bed time. But the real issue here is the lack of notice about something we both agree was kind of unusual


Well there's a lack of notice thing. Personally I wouldn't be disturbed. My wife's sense of time and punctuality is horrible. If she were 4 hours late that wouldn't shock me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well there's a lack of notice thing. Personally I wouldn't be disturbed. My wife's sense of time and punctuality is horrible. If she were 4 hours late that wouldn't shock me.


And you'd actually be glad.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mmmmmaybe. In either case. Grownups are grownups. Barring a Thelma and Louise moment, my wife is capable of going out with her friends as long as she likes. She has a cell phone but typically doesn't answer it so my approach is, have a nice day. If you need anything; bail, medical attention, a ride, gimme a call. I'm turning in between 1130 and 12 and the dogs will have been walked.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Mmmmmaybe. In either case. Grownups are grownups. Barring a Thelma and Louise moment, my wife is capable of going out with her friends as long as she likes. She has a cell phone but typically doesn't answer it so my approach is, have a nice day. If you need anything; bail, medical attention, a ride, gimme a call. I'm turning in between 1130 and 12 and the dogs will have been walked.


Or - in your case - run.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Luckily, my self esteem is not tied to my marriage relationship. I really don't mind the way I'm treated and sometime I even find it amusing. My wife has a lot of issues and it's not clear she can be respectful in an intimate relationship. I'm not really looking to fix this.
> 
> My question is regarding using the excuse "I'm afraid of you" as a reason for being thoughtless and inconsiderate. Assuming that she really is afraid of me for whatever reason, I see this as needing some action on my part and I'm wondering what to do.


I will answer your question. What she ment is...She is afraid of telling you that she will now start going out flirting na looking for a real man since she is no longer attracted to you and you know it by admiting yourself that:

"Luckily, my self esteem is not tied to my marriage relationship. I really don't mind the way I'm treated and sometime I even find it amusing."

Therefore I bet you gave her thumbs up about her going out...which means she will keep on flirting and cheating on you to the point that she will come to you and ask for a divorce.

Your reaching for now you just wait and keep on supporting her flirting and cheating you since do do not mind being a doormat. Keep on supporting her going out untill she is ready for divorce. In this case she is right doing what is doing since you do not mind. Good luck in your future divorce.

Otherwise. Man up, be a real man she is looking for, stop being a doormat!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I still say that she's making you out to be a "bad guy" so that anyone who will listen will be patting her on the back for finding the strength and courage to leave her "controlling and abusive" H-and I'm still willing to bet the farm that there is a "good guy" waiting for the green light to move in.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I still say that she's making you out to be a "bad guy" so that anyone who will listen will be patting her on the back for finding the strength and courage to leave her "controlling and abusive" H-and I'm still willing to bet the farm that there is a "good guy" waiting for the green light to move in.


Right you are, but no one but herself is listening here. I'd take that farm but it would be unfair, there's not another guy withing a million miles.

Since I couldn't get a fit with any of the rational answers my fellow forum members so helpfully provided, I'm sure now that this whole thing was a ruse. There was never any "afraid of" anything and she made up the answer thinking it would set me back and give her some room to maneuver. The real answer is here that she's genuinely effed up emotionally over intimate relationships and she really doesn't know what to say. Thanks to all


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

God knows, with the state of my head and marriage right now, I'm no expert at relationships. But I am somewhat off an expert on clubbing wives. Read my post from page one of this thread. When I was struggling with my wife's clubbing, I went on numerous web sites like this one, key-word searched old posts and archives (Clubbing, nightclub, clubs, wingwoman, even dancing). I wanted to find out if it was just me or did I have the right to be worried.

Let's just say it was eye-opening what goes on at these clubs. There was the rare woman that goes to clubs "just to dance with her friends". If communication with the hubby about it was secretive, like yours and mine was, it wasn't so innocent. Even some of the wives who WEREN'T looking for some strange sometimes got caught up in the moment and found some. And DO NOT listen to the arguments that a wife can cheat anywhere. Read some books, see some movies. Where does all of the hooking-up happen? 

Clubbing wifes and girlfriends. The last bastion of "legitimized infidelity". If you have a problem with that, you're a controlling nenderthal. Some wives can fake it better than others. Your wife was afraid to tell you what she was doing because she knew what she was doing. 

How did my marriage survive it? With both of us, years later, still holding out in a loveless marriage. Staying together for the kids. I should have let her continue wh.or.ing at the clubs. She would have eventually found someone better than me and moved on. We'd both be better off right now.


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