# Breast cancer and sex



## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Thanks


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No experience with cancer and the effects of the drugs on the sex libido; I would gather that it would diminish it. I can't tell for sure. 

What I find strange is that you're thinking of the potentials on sex at times like this. If my wife was diagnosed with any form of cancer, the least worries in my mind would be about sex.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> No experience with cancer and the effects of the drugs on the sex libido; I would gather that it would diminish it. I can't tell for sure.
> 
> What I find strange is that you're thinking of the potentials on sex at times like this. If my wife was diagnosed with any form of cancer, the least worries in my mind would be about sex.


Hey, Rob. Thanks for the judgement. Have a terrific New Year.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

41362 said:


> Hey, Rob. Thanks for the judgement. Have a terrific New Year.




No kidding. Wtf?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@41362: and a happy New Year to you to. And hopping it's a great and healthy New Year for your wife.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I can't see your original question but I presume your wife was just diagnosed with cancer. How very frightening for you both. It's not unusual for people to focus on how this diagnosis will affect one aspect of their life as a way of coping with their fear and anger about the disease. So you're worried about how her treatments will affect the intimacy between you? 

I think that's a valid question. The major way you express your love is physically and anything that interferes with that can be frightening. I don't know for certain what affects chemo and radiation can have on libido chemically. I do know that in response to an illness or trauma of this type, some people can respond by shutting down completely and others get a very increased libido as a way to show they are still alive or they just need that closeness and love from their spouse. 

I suggest you talk with your wife about it. Tell her that you're afraid dealing with this crisis may pull you apart and you want to find a way to make sure you're meeting all her needs and staying close with her at the same time. If she really isn't up for sex you'll need to think of another way to continue the bond. 

Some counseling for you both would not be a bad idea also...just a way to check in with someone about your feelings, thoughts, and frustrations as you deal with this crisis. 

I hope and pray for the best for you both. *hugs*


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

41362 said:


> Thanks


Well some people believe when things get to where you are, that you should become somehow super human or inhuman.
That you should change your feeling to what "They" believe, or you are a bad person.
Me, I've plenty of loss in my life, more than most my age, and swore I'd live everyday enjoying it and not try to be something I'm not.
I feel there's nothing wrong with the questions you ask. 
Hang in there....


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Not a clue. Chemo, well vomit and sex don't mix. Radiation, Nausea is a common side effect I've felt, and sex was the last thing on my mind. Surgery, Pain messes with me sexually pretty badly, but on occasion I still think about it. 

An associate of mine just wrapped up her breast cancer treatment. And I'm darn proud of her. She obeyed the doctors, she kept a positive outlook. She made the best of a rotten situation. She handled it so much better than I would. Ann Like her my best wishes go to you and yours. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

It looks like the original post was deleted, which is a bummer for me, because I was diagnosed with breast cancer about two months ago, and how this is going to affect intimacy between my husband and me is definitely on my mind a lot. I would have been interested in hearing more from the OP's perspective, since it might give me some insight into what my husband is feeling. Not that I can't ask him or talk to him about it, but I know that he also feels a huge responsibility to take care of me and put his own needs on the back burner. But I know how lack of sexual intimacy affects him, how it affects our marriage, and so I can't help but worry about it. 

To the OP (if you're still hanging around) I've done some looking, and there are some great resources out there that discuss this very topic--so don't feel like you're alone in being concerned about it. The stress and worry of a cancer diagnosis is stressful in itself, and the effects of surgery and treatment just pile on. 

One of the things I worry about is the knowledge that my libido is going to take a huge hit from the chemo and hormone treatments that I'll shortly be starting. I'm three weeks out from surgery and am starting to feel pretty much back to normal, libido wise, but the stress of what is to come makes it hard to relax. I'm going to definitely NEED my husband to step up and make sure, to INSIST, that intimacy stays alive--somehow. And I'm worried that he has enough of a burden to carry with taking care of me and picking up the slack around the house without also putting that on him. One thing I've realized since getting diagnosed is that there are so many resources for women with breast cancer, and so few resources for the husbands. It's a very, very difficult thing for a husband to watch his wife go through--indeed for HIM to go through. Yes, I'm the one with cancer, but I can tell you that the emotional and logistical impact that has has on my husband has been huge. 

Anyway, just wanted to say that your concerns is a very legitimate one, and from my point of view as a wife with breast cancer, I think it's fine and normal that you're thinking about it. Talk to your wife (gently), get some counseling--don't go this alone. 

GI


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

41362 said:


> Hey, Rob. Thanks for the judgement. Have a terrific New Year.


I have spots in my lungs, and really I am as normal as one could be. I have my desires for my spouse and family NOT TO TREAT ME DIFFERENTLY. I don't crave special attention nor pity. And because of that and what goes with it, l do as if it was not front and center.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But l must say, because of my above post this is not the only medical issues l have ( service connected). But it is selfish of me that I will not let them know, because it would change my family's view of me the VA is taking care of me and not inform them as l have asked them not to too. I know they would treat me differently. So it is what it is. Not looking for advice just stating what I believe. 

Tilted


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

GettingIt_2 said:


> It looks like the original post was deleted, which is a bummer for me, because I was diagnosed with breast cancer about two months ago, and how this is going to affect intimacy between my husband and me is definitely on my mind a lot. I would have been interested in hearing more from the OP's perspective, since it might give me some insight into what my husband is feeling. Not that I can't ask him or talk to him about it, but I know that he also feels a huge responsibility to take care of me and put his own needs on the back burner. But I know how lack of sexual intimacy affects him, how it affects our marriage, and so I can't help but worry about it.
> 
> To the OP (if you're still hanging around) I've done some looking, and there are some great resources out there that discuss this very topic--so don't feel like you're alone in being concerned about it. The stress and worry of a cancer diagnosis is stressful in itself, and the effects of surgery and treatment just pile on.
> 
> ...


The breast cancer journey is more unique than many would expect. So much of it depends upon how the patient feels about themself going in, and, if married our in an LTR, their concerns for how their husband might deal with the potential for missing breasts. My wife's been through this journey three times now. The last time involved removal (mastectomy) and I'd like to say reconstruction but the surgeon rebuilding her did an absolutely horrible job, and you now what? I could care less. I still think that overweight out of shape woman with mis-shaped fake boobs without nipples is incredibly sexy. Sexy is in the mind more than the body. At least for some of us. Unfortunately, for my wife, she focuses on the nearly complete lack of feeling in the reconstructed area. 

So here's the interesting thing. My wife hasn't had much interest in sex in 42 years. But since her battle with breast cancer began, she has been more sexually "functional" than ever before. Easier to O through oral, improved lubrication and less pain (which used to be pretty constant). So the most important thing to consider is... your mileage may vary. I would suggest moving your concept of enjoyment of sex from the physical to the mental/spiritual. The bonding of two people, a shared intimacy, a type of communication, that occurs only between a couple in a long term relationship or marriage. 

My very best wishes to you for the journey ahead. And if it does come to removal, I think reconstruction is something to consider, and if you do, the surgeon can create false nipples (my wife chose not to bother with them). I'd say... go for the false nipples. TMI here I'm sure, but it's a bit weird, not having anything there to tell you where you are.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> The breast cancer journey is more unique than many would expect. So much of it depends upon how the patient feels about themself going in, and, if married our in an LTR, their concerns for how their husband might deal with the potential for missing breasts. My wife's been through this journey three times now. The last time involved removal (mastectomy) and I'd like to say reconstruction but the surgeon rebuilding her did an absolutely horrible job, and you now what? I could care less. I still think that overweight out of shape woman with mis-shaped fake boobs without nipples is incredibly sexy. Sexy is in the mind more than the body. At least for some of us. Unfortunately, for my wife, she focuses on the nearly complete lack of feeling in the reconstructed area.
> 
> 
> So here's the interesting thing. My wife hasn't had much interest in sex in 42 years. But since her battle with breast cancer began, she has been more sexually "functional" than ever before. Easier to O through oral, improved lubrication and less pain (which used to be pretty constant). So the most important thing to consider is... your mileage may vary. I would suggest moving your concept of enjoyment of sex from the physical to the mental/spiritual. The bonding of two people, a shared intimacy, a type of communication, that occurs only between a couple in a long term relationship or marriage.
> ...


Thank you for your well wishes, Casual Observer, and thank you for giving your perspective as a husband of a wife with breast cancer. I'm sorry your wife has been through it three times. I hope she never has to deal with it again. 

I'm not sure if I'll face more radical surgery in the future, but I'll keep in mind what you said. If I'd needed a mastectomy, I don't know what I'd have done in regards to reconstruction. I just talked to a friend today who is two years out from a mastectomy. She had planned on having reconstruction, but as time goes on, she's gotten comfortable with her "new" body, and is not longer sure if she wants it. It seems like it's different for every woman. 

GI


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

GettingIt_2 said:


> Thank you for your well wishes, Casual Observer, and thank you for giving your perspective as a husband of a wife with breast cancer. I'm sorry your wife has been through it three times. I hope she never has to deal with it again.
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll face more radical surgery in the future, but I'll keep in mind what you said. If I'd needed a mastectomy, I don't know what I'd have done in regards to reconstruction. I just talked to a friend today who is two years out from a mastectomy. She had planned on having reconstruction, but as time goes on, she's gotten comfortable with her "new" body, and is not longer sure if she wants it. It seems like it's different for every woman.
> 
> GI


The reconstruction vs otherwise is not just how the woman feels about herself, but also how she thinks her husband will view her. If she has any doubts, reconstruction can remove a variable. Ultimately it’s the woman’s decision, but if a guy had options for prostate cancer, the best option for prevention of recurrence involving much greater chance of impotency, would it always be the case that the wife’s feelings about their sexuality would have no relevance?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> The reconstruction vs otherwise is not just how the woman feels about herself, but also how she thinks her husband will view her. If she has any doubts, reconstruction can remove a variable. Ultimately it’s the woman’s decision, but if a guy had options for prostate cancer, the best option for prevention of recurrence involving much greater chance of impotency, would it always be the case that the wife’s feelings about their sexuality would have no relevance?


I'm not sure I understand what you are asking. Are you saying that when women consider whether or not to have a mastectomy vs. lumpectomy, that their husband's feelings should be part of what they consider? 

I guess my answer would be . . . it depends. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer that applies to everyone. In my case, a mastectomy would buy me around 2 percent or less in an already very high ten year survival rate (high 90's percentages), so I opted to keep my breasts. My husband supported me in this decision, and while I was thinking about it and weighing my options, he didn't try to persuade me one way or the other. I know there are women out there who would have chosen mastectomy in my situation. The fear can make it very hard to make a decision rationally, based on statistics, etc. There is never a guarantee. I will say that having to make that sort of life-altering decision within days or weeks of trying to absorb the diagnosis is really, really hard. You don't have much time to weigh your options, and your emotions are all over the place. I think the immediate reaction to just have the breasts removed is a pretty common one.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

GettingIt_2 said:


> I'm not sure I understand what you are asking. Are you saying that when women consider whether or not to have a mastectomy vs. lumpectomy, that their husband's feelings should be part of what they consider?
> 
> I guess my answer would be . . . it depends. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer that applies to everyone. In my case, a mastectomy would buy me around 2 percent or less in an already very high ten year survival rate (high 90's percentages), so I opted to keep my breasts. My husband supported me in this decision, and while I was thinking about it and weighing my options, he didn't try to persuade me one way or the other. I know there are women out there who would have chosen mastectomy in my situation. The fear can make it very hard to make a decision rationally, based on statistics, etc. There is never a guarantee. I will say that having to make that sort of life-altering decision within days or weeks of trying to absorb the diagnosis is really, really hard. You don't have much time to weigh your options, and your emotions are all over the place. I think the immediate reaction to just have the breasts removed is a pretty common one.


OHmygosh no! I was not suggesting the decision to keep breasts (lumpectomy) vs remove (mastectomy) should involve the husband's "feelings" although input and concern, of course. I was talking strictly about reconstruction. Nothing else. We went the lumpectomy route twice, then had to go full-on mastectomy. Hindsight is always wonderful; we likely should have gone for mastectomy the second time around. And that decision probably would have been easier had reconstruction been recommended along with it. Fake boobs vs real... if the issue is feeling like you're "whole" is it a huge deal if they've been reconstructed? Recognizing as a guy how can I really know, but given that it's common to reduce or enlarge what God gave women, I'm making an assumption that alterations are likely easier to deal with, for some, than nothing there.

Look, all I can offer is what I went through with my wife. I think I'm accurately offering her perspective, but I'm not a woman, I can't really imagine what goes through a woman's mind about mastectomy other than from my wife's experience. I do think it's a bit different for a married woman (or someone in an LTR) vs single, because it may have an effect on the guy. And even if it doesn't, the wife may think or worry that it would.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife had a lump removed years ago and decided not to go for reconstructive surgery. I 100% supported that, I think unnecessary surgery is a bad thing. I only discovered years later though that she was worried about how I felt about how her breasts looked. To me all that mattered was that the cancer was cured, the distorted breast didn't bother me at all. 

Tamoxifen is sometimes prescribed for women after breast cancer. I believe it can substantially interfere with someone's sex drive, but I don't know for sure.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> OHmygosh no! I was not suggesting the decision to keep breasts (lumpectomy) vs remove (mastectomy) should involve the husband's "feelings" although input and concern, of course. I was talking strictly about reconstruction. Nothing else. We went the lumpectomy route twice, then had to go full-on mastectomy. Hindsight is always wonderful; we likely should have gone for mastectomy the second time around. And that decision probably would have been easier had reconstruction been recommended along with it. Fake boobs vs real... if the issue is feeling like you're "whole" is it a huge deal if they've been reconstructed? Recognizing as a guy how can I really know, but given that it's common to reduce or enlarge what God gave women, I'm making an assumption that alterations are likely easier to deal with, for some, than nothing there.
> 
> Look, all I can offer is what I went through with my wife. I think I'm accurately offering her perspective, but I'm not a woman, I can't really imagine what goes through a woman's mind about mastectomy other than from my wife's experience. I do think it's a bit different for a married woman (or someone in an LTR) vs single, because it may have an effect on the guy. And even if it doesn't, the wife may think or worry that it would.


I get what you're saying--and I think it's a perfectly valid perspective. I worried quite a lot right after I was diagnosed with how losing my breasts or having them disfigured would affect my husband emotionally. He never let on once that it would be a loss for him, but how could it not be? He loves my breasts, and has never hidden the fact in the thirty years we've been together. I even worried it would be harder on him than it would be on me. 

As for reconstruction--that is such a personal decision. I'm not sure that I could ever accept reconstructed breasts as part of "me." In some ways, I think seeing the "fake" breasts in the mirror would be harder for me than seeing the scars. And I suspect that my husband might feel that way, too, although we never explicitly had that conversation. I'm someone who would have a hard time altering my body cosmetically; it's sort of a spiritual thing, I guess, and just too hard to explain very well. 

All the same, this is just conjecture on my part since I ultimately didn't face mastectomy. Might I in the future? Yes. And at that time I'd give the question of whether to reconstruct or not the deep consideration it warrants--including asking my husband for his thoughts and feelings. 

GI


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

GettingIt_2 said:


> I get what you're saying--and I think it's a perfectly valid perspective. I worried quite a lot right after I was diagnosed with how losing my breasts or having them disfigured would affect my husband emotionally. He never let on once that it would be a loss for him, but how could it not be? He loves my breasts, and has never hidden the fact in the thirty years we've been together. I even worried it would be harder on him than it would be on me.
> 
> As for reconstruction--that is such a personal decision. I'm not sure that I could ever accept reconstructed breasts as part of "me." In some ways, I think seeing the "fake" breasts in the mirror would be harder for me than seeing the scars. And I suspect that my husband might feel that way, too, although we never explicitly had that conversation. I'm someone who would have a hard time altering my body cosmetically; it's sort of a spiritual thing, I guess, and just too hard to explain very well.
> 
> ...


In the end, for my wife, I think it was also a "practical" decision, because she'd "fill out" her clothes the same way after as before. You talk about not wanting to alter the body, but the flip side of that is being reminded that your body is not the same anymore, each time you dress or look in the mirror. Done well (which, as my side, my wife's are NOT, almost to the point it's a bit humorous), there's not much difference than before, and the scars are on the side, not the front. They did do a really good job at not having obvious scars anywhere. Didn't even think about that until now. 

Since the reconstruction is much easier if things are figured out beforehand, it's something to give thought to at a time when it's not seemingly relevant. If that makes sense.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The decision whether to reconstruct does not need to be made at the time of the original surgery. But considering the issue before the mastectomy occurs is helpful. 

The desire to have a certain kind of reconstruction (or not have any), impacts the mastectomy surgery. If there is to be fat removed from one part of the body and migrated to the chest, that makes a big difference on the impact of doing them simultaneously or as separate procedures. Not one correct answer for all women. But definitely something to consider when being faced with the horrible news that a mastectomy is needed.

Oh, and FWIW, my wife's surgery has improved our relationship. She is grateful that I have been supportive throughout the process. And that I still refer to her as very beautiful despite the scars and the loss of her breasts. So she treats me better than she did before the surgery. And I find it much easier to go without sex now that her body is not quite as enticing. To be sure, fully clothed and standing behind her she looks pretty much exactly as she did before and on our wedding day. Very attractive to me. But when she gets into her pajamas, and lies next to me in bed, it isn't as distracting. Which both of us prefer.


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## Music Lover (Feb 9, 2016)

When my wife was treated for breast cancer, I thought my libido needed to be put on the back burner at least until she was better. My assumption was that she wouldn't want be bothered with sex while she was unwell and it would have been selfish of me to put that pressure onto her.

It turned out I was wrong. Maybe, I was right at the beginning, but later she surmised that I no longer found her attractive. In fact, I'd say once her life was no longer under immediate threat and she did didn't feel quite so ill, being an attractive woman became a major concern for her - more so than it had ever been before her illness.

She'd never said and I hadn't realised that she'd never liked her large breasts. After a lumpectomy and other surgery, she wanted a cosmetic reduction to match them up again. I thought that was an unnecessary risk. I was just relieved that she had survived. Unless she particularly wanted to go topless on holiday, I was the only person who saw them, so why put her self through another operation. She was insistent it didn't matter that no one else knew her boobs were mismatched, it bothered her all the same.

She emerged from the process a much more confident woman than she had been before. She even posed nude as a poster girl for recovery from breast cancer. The period a year or so after her recovery, felt like another honeymoon - we renewed our vows. A decade later, she's doing great and has had a second career in the NHS with remarkable success in her fifties.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

And FWIW, after lugging around large breasts for 40 years, my wife much prefers being smaller and nipple-less so she can walk around braless all day.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have some experience with this. I was dating a woman that was diagnosed with breast cancer. The crazy thing was I was getting ready to leave the relationship right before she was diagnosed. But I stuck around, because when I looked around her life I really didn't see anyone else stepping up. So I drove her to appointments weekly to the Cleveland Clinic because I wanted the best for her, and even paid for certain procedures because her cruel ex husband let the medical insurance lapse (they had been separated for five years and he agreed to keep it, but stopped paying it when she was diagnosed). I really do think he wanted her to die from it.

Hearing about her diagnosis was scary, but she did beat it, and she did have reconstructive surgery, and honestly she was happier with the results than what she had before, her doc was really good.

As for the sex, when she first got diagnosed she wanted it a lot because she was worried she wouldn't be up for it once radiation treatment started. I would say when radiation first started she seemed fine, but as treatments continued, she was just simply too tired, it drained her. Not that I was pushing it, I could just tell. When she started taking the pills that prevented the cancer from coming back. Being honest she didn't desire sex nearly as much, about once a week. This did indeed cause problems. I think she wanted to feel like she used to feel about sex but didn't. She would get really angry at me, I was never really sure why. I certainly wasn't pressuring her, I assumed or at least was hoping it was an adjustment period to the medication. But over time I got tired of being accused of stepping out, or only caring about sex when I wasn't even bringing it up. In retrospect I think she felt the drop in her libido would lead to me cheating or leaving the relationship. Being that we weren't married I would have broken up with her at some point if her libido didn't come back, but I wasn't thinking that when she started pushing me away. I simply chose to take the out, especially considering I was already thinking it before her diagnosis. Once she was in the clear I didn't feel bad about ending things.

It ended up being an ugly break up. But when I see her around town these days we are cordial, and she says there is no one in her life. She hasn't dated anyone since, and she is a very attractive woman. Prior to her diagnosis and meeting me she was very much a, "free spirit" if you know what I mean. I can't say for sure if its the meds that altered her behavior, or if she simply decided to change her outlook on life and approach to dating. I am simply sharing my experience.


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