# She wants to leave - I need success stories!



## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Hi all,

I guess like most people, I didn't expect to find myself hunting for a support community such as this, but recent events in our marriage have left me with a burning desire to understand, learn and act to rebuild our relationship.

So, a few facts: we've been together 15 years, married for 10. We have 3 beautiful children. I'm the higher earner, but she works very hard running her own business and pays for a significant portion of the household bills. There are no 3rd parties involved.

Over the years, we've fallen into our roles and my wife tended to run the family. We were not equal partners and she definitely put more than her fair share in. We bickered and occasionally argued, but mostly we just got on with life. Our physical relationship has been awesome and I felt that our emotional one was healthy too.

About 3 weeks ago, it was obvious something was very wrong - and after some prodding, we had THE conversation. My wife said she loved me but was not IN love with me. I have since read a great deal about that sentence, including a book with the same title. I truly believe she does love me, but in the same way that she loves ours kids - I'm another mouth to feed etc.

Since that moment, I've entirely changed my approach to family life - I stupidly didn't realise that our "roles" were killing her passion for me. She was yearning for spontaneity and action, and I was hitting her with words of affirmation and physical intimacy. During the past 3 weeks, we've both "left the nest" - I moved to a hotel for a few days and she's currently staying with a friend temporarily. We're kind of dating again, and whilst it's odd, we're getting on better. I'm also getting to prove that I can be an equally active parent by getting up in the morning and having them ready for school with homework done etc. etc.

I'm not naive, I know I've screwed up - and I'm also aware that we are here because my wife and I weren't able to communicate effectively. Now that we are effectively talking the same language, however slight our chances, I want to get back on track. Whilst she isn't saying it, I feel like her actions would suggest she does too (the dating etc.)

So, to the point; I’d love to hear from other people who have been in a similar position - especially women who have lost the passion and desire for their partners in a similar way, and have successfully rediscovered their attraction/love. How did you approach it and how did your partners help?

Many thanks!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

For us the daily life of work and taking care of kids, just swept us along. My husband never knew that I fell out of love with him, he was like one more kid to take care of. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful father, provider and husband. It just that working and rushing home, making dinner, laundry, sick kids, cleaning house and then, a man with needs. We had great sex, it was the nice loving sex, not the I want to eat you up kind. One day, I looked up and I realized that we were roommates with benefits.

So, I told him, if things continue this way, we are not going to last. He was shocked. I never said the "I love you just not in love with you" statement, that, would have devastated him. I think he understood. So, we started dating again. He held hands. We took time when we are in bed to share us. Nothing about kids. We touched and looked each other in the eyes. We started touching more during the day. Small romantic touches. We started taking about us. How we feel.

What he did and ask: What can I do to help you manage the house. He took the kids more and let me have time for myself. Just a few hours to read, or watch tv. Helped around the house. Start seeing me, the woman. Not the mother of his children. Took me on dates, touch me more during the day. Opening up more and start talking, about what he was thinking. Start telling me about his feelings for me. Little things but they have helped.

What I had to do was to readjust my thinking process. I had to choose to fall into love with my husband again. I did that by remembering the man who I fell in love with. He was still there, just under the cover of a family man. I loved when he held my hand. Or played with my hair. When he takes the time to bring me flowers or grabs me and plastered my face with kisses. I had to relearn my man and start seeing him as sexy, kind and thoughtful. I had to find my sexy back as well, stop thinking of myself as mum only. I started to dress better, get some exercise, listening to music and take better care of me.

I still don't know the magic formula. All I know is that we got thru it. It's been ten wonderful years. We feel blessed. Have been married for 22 years. Just took our daughter to college a few weeks ago. Our son is in junior year of HS. My husband is looking forward to retiring and I cant wait to join him.

My advice is to be present in the marriage. And like that Brad Paisley song "love her like she leaving". Take nothing for granted.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

P.S. Read - Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She is also on TED Talk.
Food for thought.


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Thanks for your posts, brooklynAnn. I'll look her up and have a read/watch!

Your first post seems very familiar somehow, and your road to rebuild your relationship is exactly what I wanted to read about - thanks for sharing. You also confirmed my fear, which is that my wife needs to make a conscious decision to fall in love again. It cannot be done purely from my side even if hitting the gym, dressing better and generally being much more family-active and attentive will help.

Thanks again


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think it can be done from your side. I think it is likely the only way it will be done.

See if this helps:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dayone has a long thread in the Reconciliation section.


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

Dude, sorry you are going thru this, but it feels like something is missing from your thread:

You go from "Our physical relationship has been awesome and I felt that our emotional one was healthy too." to "About 3 weeks ago, it was obvious something was very wrong - and after some prodding, we had THE conversation.".

Some bickering and a little argueing? That's fairly normal and rarely results in the TALK, unless its more than a little, or more heated than bickering???

What is really going on here? I've been thru it too, and yes we are recovering nicely, but it did take a lot of work - and before that, a lot of honesty with myself. Where, specifically had I screwed up? Was I out of shape (that was only like 7th on the list)? Not spending enough time with the kids? - I fixed that but it didn't fix us, we actually grew further apart. It took really learning to listen to her heart and stop the ways I was hurting her directly to win her back. 

Deep down you probably know what is really wrong, but spend some time to bring it into focus. Selfishness? Anger issues? Criticism? An addiction? An affair? Figure it out and start working on it. Sounds like from "dating" you are on the right track now more/less, but separating so quickly seems a little extreme given that you thought everything was fine before. You can still recover probably. Try Reading Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs and start having some of the recommended discussions with your wife. As long as you aren't dealing with an affair/addiction, those books should give you the answers you need.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

so you thought it was happy, happy, happy until 3 weeks ago, then BAM! she moved to a friend's house and you moved out to a hotel? I don't see why a separation was needed...like she couldn't even stand the sight of you?

with all your research, you realize by now that the ILYBINILWY speech *frequently* means there is someone else in the picture. 

Any candidates? Any new friend she started mentioning a few months ago? new coworker/business partner? any yellow / red flags? 

it's not always an affair, but due diligence should be done to rule out that possibility, and see what you're truely dealing with


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Hi,

So, I've asked her if there is someone else - I believe her when she says no. I think this is truly about her feeling that she's been taken for granted. I've never looked at another woman, certainly no addictions (other than to mountain biking as my nickname would suggest), I don't drink excessively and I'm generally very cool, calm and collected. Don't get me wrong, I defend myself, but I tend not to raise my scream, shout and stamp my feet.

So, I'm really not missing out much of the story - my wife feels that she's been dealing with these feelings for a very long time, and now that I've woken up and seen the light, she doesn't know if she has the energy or the will to try and make it work. She resents the idea that I've changed simply because I face losing her and the family unit, but I genuinely hadn't understood what was going on. She gritted her teeth and got on with it (even making a conscious effort in the bedroom) whilst I was in bliss.

And then, BAM. So, I think it's a combination of me being blind to what was going on (probably protecting my little lot) and her not /talking/ about her feelings. I don't respond to being attacked/shouted at - I brush it off and don't give it a second thought - but talking, I do listen to.

Since the kids started school about 4 years ago, she has met a whole set of new friends. They go out a lot, both to the pub and clubbing. I don't really like that - but it's her thing, like mountain biking is to me. Her closest friend is also separating from her husband at the moment (they are staying together currently). I don't know if/how the two events are related - but it's an additional complication.

Thanks all - I'm busy reading the Day One... thread.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Divorce is catching. Lol.

Why did you move out? You should never have move out. You cant work on things if you are gone.


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

The short answer is she wanted space and I didn't want the kids to know what was going on - so I used my work travel as an excuse to the kids and took off for a few days.

The longer answer is that we had three other adults staying with us that night whilst we were trying to sort this all out - she is a nutter for saying Yes to helping anyone, even with our marriage in tatters. That meant the spare room was out of action as was the sofa. So, after a difficult night in the marital bed where she was clutching to the edge trying to not be near me, I realised this could only be hurting us more. I decided to take off for a few days - the kids wouldn't suspect anything was up cause I often travel with work.

I don't want to punish her for feeling the way she does - I do desperately want her to commit to making this work - to forgive the past and look to the future as a couple, if you like.

I booked a once in a lifetime holiday at the beginning of August - we'd always planned to do something big for our 10 year anniversary year, so that is taking place in October. She's thinking about it as a kill/cure thing, but I don't see how you can fix anything in a 9 day holiday. Surely it takes a much longer commitment than that?!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

now you back home right? and the guests are all gone?


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Yes - all guests are now gone, so it's me and the kids. She is dropping in every night to see the kids to bed and coming back early in the morning. It's important to us that the kids feel stability - all is not lost yet hopefully...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I must have missed the part where she moved out. This is not good. How does she act when she comes home. Is she affectionate towards you or is she cold and distant?

Her moving out, signals that she is going on and putting distant between the two of you. Can you ask her to return home with you? Will she go to MC? 

I would start hiring a babysitter and start showing up where she and her girls are hanging out to see whats going on. Like I said, divorce is catching. In order to fight for what you want, you have to know what you're against. Reread what ReidWright wrote. We are not trying to start anything but just check up on this. 

Start approaching this with your head, instead of your heart. Find out where everything stand.


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

Ah, I had thought MTB addiction stood for something else with those letters and involving your right or left hands 

9 day holiday won't fix it, but it MIGHT make a good start. Having fun together might put you both in a mood where you want to save the marriage. Its a good sign that she is still willing to go on it.

Also, don't automatically believe that she isn't cheating. If she has, her instinct would be to lie, and lie convincingly. I'm not saying she has, but lots of clubbing and a sudden separation is very suspicious.

A lot of things need to change. She should not be constantly clubbing with friends while married with small kids. This is dangerous. Staying with a divorcing friend is pure poison to your relationship. She will begin to view you thru the lens of her friend's ex DH, who is probably a much bigger jerk than you are. But this has already happened. Prioritizing people who need to stay with you over your marriage is also wrong - read Boundries. Your marriage has to come first, then your kids, then much later everyone else.

Her statement that you only want to fix it bc she is leaving is stupid. This may be true, but if she has never expressed her actual needs previously in the clear way you need to hear it, then she is not communicating in your language. You both need to drop the romanticized ideals that each should automatically love the other one just because and quickly realize that marriage takes work and healthy 2 way communication. Let her know you want to know how to meet her needs, but she needs to express them to you calmly and clearly, then allow you to repeat them back in your own words to ensure you have alignment. You will need to convince her that you are willing to make permanent changes - and you may need to give up much of your mountain biking for a while to save the marriage. 

At best, this is going to require both of you spending a lot of time doing things together to fall back into love. And making that a permanent life change. If she likes to dance, you two should be clubbing together. If she will mountain bike, take her with your or else find another hobby you can do with her. I like to hunt deer, and my wife hates it, but I'm going to spend 3-5 days a year out in the woods and I'm home every night. That's not a lifestyle, its a one - off. You can do things alone at some point in the future when your marriage is better, but even then it should be limited and not on a regular basis, or it will continue to contribute to this growing apart. But for now, if you want to work on the marriage, the things that bring your enjoyment should be done together.

At worst there are other issues that will go beyond a forum to solve (affair or addictions). Keep your eyes open to that, and consider counseling with someone who is pro-marriage.


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

She reluctantly agreed to MC - it's really really not her style. But she went for my sake. It was an unmitigated disaster. The therapist said it was obvious I wanted to work things out, but my wife was sitting there with crossed arms and legs. From that the therapist deduced that she wanted a divorce and tried to force her into admitting it, and stated that it would be fairly pointless continuing.

What we wanted / expected was some reassurance that lots of marriages go through difficult periods and some real practical advice for moving forwards.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I think you need to start looking for a OM. Too many red flags. Put a 
VAR in her car and see what really is going on. ILYBNILWY big red flag.
Moving out for "space" another big red flag. I'm not saying she's cheating
but it needs to be ruled out definitively before we can give you good advice.

Never ask your spouse if she's cheating. I have never seen one tell the truth and
been reading TAM a long time.


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

bc3543 said:


> Ah, I had thought MTB addiction stood for something else with those letters and involving your right or left hands


I think you may have just ruined the sport for me - I had never made that connection! LOL 

However, thanks for that, sage advice indeed and nice to hear some reassurances.

I really wouldn't feel comfortable spying on her - quite frankly, if she was dancing with other blokes, or anything else, I couldn't cope knowing. I'd rather work at the marriage and the rest will sort itself if she's happy.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I have to agree with bc3543. Ask her to move back home. Get another MC, sometimes you have to shop around until you find one that works for you. You cannot start working on your marriage if she is not home. Her friends are probably talking bad about you. She needs to be with people who are friends of your marriage. 

How does she respond to dating? And being with you one on one?


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Hi ButtPunch!

Not sure on some of the acronyms - I'm assuming OM is Other Man - but VAR?

Cheers


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Well, she was feeling ill today, so for the first time in over a month, she cuddled in on the sofa before taking the kids to school - have to admit it felt awesome to have her close. What was better was when she jumped up to grab something and came back to cuddle in again.

But what she wants is to concentrate on being "normal" together. The translation to that is "don't talk about your feelings". I'm OK with that in the very short term, but absolutely do not want to fall into the same traps.

Her and her friend are staying at her parents' house whilst they're on holiday. She's moving back tomorrow night. We're going on a date night with a couple we haven't seen for ages, but are so into each other, I'm hoping it'll rub off!!!

I had literally no idea how anti-marriage an MC could be - it was a shock!


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

MTBAddiction said:


> Hi ButtPunch!
> 
> Not sure on some of the acronyms - I'm assuming OM is Other Man - but VAR?
> 
> Cheers


Not sure what it stands for but a device that records where she has been and sends to a website for you to check. She doesn't ever have to know, but you need to know. Too many red flags. If she is having an affair, it is still possible to get her back, so don't avoid the issue.

Marriagebuilders.com has lots of resources for recovering from infidelity.


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

MTBAddiction said:


> I had literally no idea how anti-marriage an MC could be - it was a shock!


That guy is just stupid. Fire him immediately and find someone else. 

Also regarding the date with another couple - that can be both good and bad. Maybe they will rub off on you a bit, which is good, but you also need some alone time with her, so try to plan enough time for a night-cap at least with just you and her. Logistically I'd suggest not driving with the other couple if possible.


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Yeah, we're going as couples, but travelling separately. Good plan


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

All pluses. Good. Keep hanging out with married couples who have stable marriages. Thats way better than single friends. Keep talking about everything. Not just marriage and kids. Keep working on yourself. You want to make yourself better and desirable. Remember you are wooing her back. 

I don't have much experiences with MC but from reading here at TAM, some of them care more than others. So, find one that works well with you guys and is more positive. But I would not give up on therapy. I read a lot of books, so long ago and tell him husband about ideas etc and we tried them. He was all in but like I said, I had to make my choice. I had to want to make him my choice. He made it easy for me to choose him again. 

THE VAR- voice activated recorder. you hide where you spouse cant find it, to listen to whats going on, when you are not about.


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## bc3543 (Aug 24, 2015)

MTBAddiction said:


> I really wouldn't feel comfortable spying on her - quite frankly, if she was dancing with other blokes, or anything else, I couldn't cope knowing. .


Fixing a marriage where you have already separated isn't going to be comfortable.

She also is going to have to tolerate some uncomfortable discussions of your feelings. Try to make that unthreatening - commit to just listening when she is talking, refuse to escalate or get angry, dont defend or judge her. If things normally get heated, then write letters to each other to get feelings out on the table, then meet later to discuss solutions once each has a change to cool off. 

But her idea to be normal for a while isn't a bad one. As a rule - have fun first and rebuild the emotional bond enough to make both of you willing to address the underlying issues. Just make sure the avoiding doesn't go on too long. Maybe set an appointment for when certain more serious topics should be addressed.


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

Many thanks all - I'm touched by your responses  Really appreciate it!

I'll let you know what happens...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Avoiding the elephant in the room will not help. You will both have to have some frank and honest discussion and it will have to involve feelings. Otherwise you're just spreading the zh1t around instead of actually cleaning it up. 

The fact you guys separated physically really irks me... But time will tell.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MTBA, I haven't seen anybody mention this here, but the fact is that it take two people to make a marriage work. If she isn't participating then you can try until you are blue in the face and it isn't going to make a bit of difference. Also, just because the MC said he couldn't help, doesn't mean he is anti-marriage, it simply means he spent time with you and she. I had the exact same experience, The MC said she could help IF both of us were willing. I, just like you said I would do whatever it takes. My ex said it was a waste of time. In some cases a MC simply isn't able to help due to lack of participation on one side or the other. In the meantime I suggest you really focus on your self.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sorry if I missed it but it's not clear to me what these past hurts that she can't get past are. Can you be more specific about what is in your pasts that has gotten you to this point?

And these things seldom come out of the blue......usually hubby doesn't pay attention until either sex gets cut off or she asks for a divorce. Then he claims to be blindsided but the reality is that he ignored the signs because the marriage was working for him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation can be a means to date others. 

if shes doing a lot of GNO that will lead to a disaster.

if i were you i'd fid out what i was up against. if you dont know what the full issues are you can't fix anything.

just doesnt smell right.

good luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I believe you definitely need to do some investigative work, but, the good sign is that she's decided to move back in and you are still talking. You absolutely must not act needy or unsure of yourself in her presence. Always be positive, don't ask for affection and don't let her make you think things are all your fault. But don't argue with her, either. Whatever she says about you, digest it. Listen, and try to see things from her point of view.

I really think there is going to be a very hurtful reason your wife wants a divorce. But I hope I'm wrong.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

MTBAddiction said:


> I think you may have just ruined the sport for me - I had never made that connection! LOL
> 
> However, thanks for that, sage advice indeed and nice to hear some reassurances.
> 
> I really wouldn't feel comfortable spying on her - quite frankly, if she was dancing with other blokes, or anything else, I couldn't cope knowing. I'd rather work at the marriage and the rest will sort itself if she's happy.


I am NOT saying your W is cheating.

In fact, if you know for sure she is staying with a friend at her parent's house and is not going out partying, that doesn't sound like an A.

BUT......your last line about not wanting to know, just work on the M, and it will work itself out if she's happy.

THAT is a recipe for disaster if she is indeed cheating....it's called rugsweeping....and it will not fix your M at all.

You should follow the advice of a few other posters and confirm beyond a doubt that this is not in any way being caused by a POSOM she is having an A with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Even if she is not cheating, I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

After that get his two other books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"


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## MTBAddiction (Sep 17, 2015)

You were right & we've separated.

Thanks all for your responses!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

MTBAddiction said:


> You were right & we've separated.
> 
> Thanks all for your responses!


You discovered she was cheating?

Have you exposed the A to your families?

Is the POSOM M or has a gf?.....expose his scummy a** as well.

There is no way forward in your M until the A is killed off for good.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What happened? I thought she was coming home to stay. What happen to the date?


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## bpawl (Sep 30, 2015)

Well you are VERY lucky. 4 weeks ago after some picking and prodding my wife gave me the "loved me but was not IN love with me" speech. Just a few days later I found out she was having an affair (and still is). She still denies it to this day. I have proof that she doesn't know about. She moved out 2 weeks later and she's continued to slowly push us apart. We have 3 kids also.


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