# Wife doesn't orgasm



## hub49 (7 mo ago)

I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past.. 

She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable. 

She said something a few weeks ago that I was confused at and didn't know how to interpret. We were having sex and she told me that she needed me to finish. No problem, I was close anyway. She then said that when she peaks, she goes dry quickly and needs me to finish soon afterward. If that was her way of saying she orgasmed, it caught me by surprise because there were no obvious cues at all during the encounter (e.g., change in breathing, or noises being made).

The lack of orgasm has caused tension in the relationship and she is modest in talking about sex, so I didn't ask her to clarify her comment. It was a good encounter so l left well enough alone. 

This will make me sound horrible, so I don't need anyone to pile on. I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed. It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing. At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner). I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else.


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


i can understand your frustration in a way as i used to date guy that had problem with ejaculating, that made me question myself as a lover so lack of orgasm of partner during sex can have real effect on relationship but unfortunately i dont have any advice for you


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My advice would be to just talk to her straight up about it. Tell her about how you feel.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Hub,

You wrote, *She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there.
*
Sounds boring.

Does she masturbate on her own? 

Did she have boyfriends or a husband before you and how was she with him?

Does she like girls?

Were you her second choice or plan B?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

hub49 said:


> she has never orgasmed with me


Has she orgasmed with someone else?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Many women do not orgasm from just intercourse contrary to what you read here where every guy's wife has multiple Os within minutes.

That being said, embrace the toys and get her to use them with you. My wife only Os from her toys on her clit. Sure it bothered me at first but what the hell, if thats what it takes, I am onboard with it. An orgasm with a toy is better than none at all. My wife has said in all her years she has never had an orgasm just from PIV even long before her and I met.

Change your view of the toys as they could be the answer to bring you two back together.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

I'd encourage her to use toys. Many many do. She can do herself as you watch, a turn-on, and then you can have PIV with her after she has the Big O. It's a win-win. I'm surprised she wont' let you touch her. That's odd. Was she an abuse victim as a kid? try a small bullet vibe, multi speed. Those are great. I used to be concerned if she had the O. Now? Don't really care and not caring takes pressure off her to get there. Weird, I know, but it works for us. Try whispering hot ideas as she plays with herself. That's a good combo.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I think getting to the root of the problem with her might be a better first choice. Why after 20 years is she so modest talking about sex with her husband? 

If she has rape or molestation in her past it's probably time to start confronting that. If there's something off with your relationship, some dynamic not going on that she needs to orgasm then that needs to be figured out too. You can't make a smart decision to leave or not until you figure all that out.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

gaius said:


> I think getting to the root of the problem with her might be a better first choice. Why after 20 years is she so modest talking about sex with her husband?
> 
> If she has rape or molestation in her past it's probably time to start confronting that. If there's something off with your relationship, some dynamic not going on that she needs to orgasm then that needs to be figured out too. You can't make a smart decision to leave or not until you figure all that out.


Good idea, root of the problem. It's not unusual for women to be modest talking about sex. I find that the case here after 28 years. She's reluctant to talk about it. It bothers her if I bring it up when we are not in bed doing it or just after. Odd.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

hub49 said:


> 1. She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there.
> 2. At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner). I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else.


1. She won’t “let” you touch her with your hands or mouth? Why would you tolerate this? Clearly, you’re way too passive in the bedroom, and probably in your relationship overall. Women do not find passive men sexually attractive. 
The fact that you have allowed her to dictate and unreasonably limit your bedroom activities (and that she wants to be that limited with you) is indicative of a much bigger problem than her lack of orgasm from sex.
2. Yes, it certainly does indicate a lack of desire for you as a man. It’s not how women who are in love with their husbands behave sexually.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I don’t know how she can be having fun encounters in the bedroom if she’s never orgasming.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I don’t know how she can be having fun encounters in the bedroom if she’s never orgasming.


Any advice for her? We know sex is a low priority for you.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Good idea, root of the problem. It's not unusual for women to be modest talking about sex. I find that the case here after 28 years. She's reluctant to talk about it. It bothers her if I bring it up when we are not in bed doing it or just after. Odd.


Some women might be cold fish and there's nothing you can do, but I think at least in Hub49's case he makes the mistake of mirroring her discomfort. Things get awkward, he just shuts down and stops talking. When he should be putting out a relaxed and fun energy. And letting that energy wash over her instead of vice versa.

A lot of whether a woman orgasms in the bedroom has to do with what goes on outside the bedroom. And there's a serious lack of honesty and intimacy going on here between him and his wife.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

gaius said:


> Some women might be cold fish and there's nothing you can do, but I think at least in Hub49's case he makes the mistake of mirroring her discomfort. Things get awkward, he just shuts down and stops talking. When he should be putting out a relaxed and fun energy. And letting that energy wash over her instead of vice versa.
> 
> A lot of whether a woman orgasms in the bedroom has to do with what goes on outside the bedroom. And there's a serious lack of honesty and intimacy going on here between him and his wife.


Great idea on the relaxed fun energy. No doubt, there's a lot in play involving a woman having an orgasm. Way more complicated than us gents. Way more. .. I know that here, i quit focusing on her having the Big O. Figured she gets there she gets there. And it's really helped our relationship. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I don't care as much as i used to. Her suggestion, not mine. It's working.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

gaius said:


> ...he makes the mistake of mirroring her discomfort. Things get awkward, he just shuts down and stops talking. When he should be putting out a relaxed and fun energy. And letting that energy wash over her instead of vice versa.


Thanks everyone for responding. This quote sums it up well. Sometimes, I'm relaxed and fun, and not caring about the O, and it's more fun for us both, although yes it's hard to imagine she's having fun without climaxing. 

I contemplated reaching out to a divorce attorney today for an initial consult. More than anything, just to stick a foot in the water and see what this process might look like for us before deciding if I wanted to subject myself to this. I know that's jumping levels, like I haven't done everything I can do before advancing to that space on the game board.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

hub49 said:


> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her,


Why? 

Has it always been this way?



hub49 said:


> We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both.


Why?

Did you ever try again? New things can take time/practice.



hub49 said:


> I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.


Why? 

I don't get how people can have sex with each other but can't talk about sex with each other. Maybe you both have to get uncomfortable for a bit to get things sorted out. 20 years of no orgasms is a LONG damn time. I wouldn't be surprised if she's the one thinking of leaving...


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I contemplated reaching out to a divorce attorney today for an initial consult. More than anything, just to stick a foot in the water and see what this process might look like for us before deciding if I wanted to subject myself to this. I know that's jumping levels, like I haven't done everything I can do before advancing to that space on the game board.


This sounds like there is a LOT more going on than you lacking the ability to get your wife off.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

hub49 said:


> I contemplated reaching out to a divorce attorney today for an initial consult. More than anything, just to stick a foot in the water and see what this process might look like for us before deciding if I wanted to subject myself to this. I know that's jumping levels, like I haven't done everything I can do before advancing to that space on the game board.


Wow…

Why not try a sex therapist first?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

theloveofmylife said:


> This sounds like there is a LOT more going on than you lacking the ability to get your wife off.


It seems to be less about his lack of ability to get her off, and largely about her refusal to allow him to get her off.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think the sex is a side effect of other marital problems. No matter who is getting off and who isn't.

OP think twice about divorce...it sucks.  Went through it after 20 year myself.

I would consider what ccpowerslave mentioned with a sex therapist or at least a marriage counselor first. Sounds like you two have some issues to resolve and the sex might be the lesser of all of them?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You keep mentioning your desire to go the divorce route.

This sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her,

She may have picked up on that resentment and has turned it back on to you.

Her not allowing you to touch her vagina or to perform oral sex on her tells me she has no love (or liking for you, left).

She thinks: "Just do what you must to get off, do not involve me in any way shape or form".

She allows you to penetrate her, but wants it over with quickly.
This is the definition of duty sex.

I see resentment from both sides, hence your intimacy pickle, and your desire for divorce.

Does she know you want to divorce her, have you threatened her with this?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


She enjoys the penetration apparently but if it goes on too long (and this could happen with or without orgasm), then it doesn't feel good and gets uncomfortable. It's actually quite common. It does just sound like she has some issues about you touching her vagina, etc., but what about her clitoris? Is that off limits too? That's where the hot button is. Not everyone can get off from vaginal alone, which you know but she seems not to care. Honestly, most people find out what gets them off by masturbating at some point and then they know what to tell their partner (or show their partner). If she's never done that, she doesn't even know what might work. Of course, it's possible none of that will work for her, but that is rare. Maybe she is just too uncomfortable with the whole concept of sex to relax and enjoy it. You can't force it. If she wanted to fix it, that is something she could experiment with on her own or using those toys without you in the room so she could relax without feeling embarrassed.


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## GG1061 (Apr 20, 2021)

My ex told me she didn't O from penetration only and I can count on my two hands the times she did in our 8+ years. I wasn't her first so she knew what she liked already. Oral was the best way for her. Since she could orgasm from PIV, albeit very infrequently, I was of the opinion if we could do it once we can learn how to consistently repeat that experience. But I felt like there was this hidden part of her she closed off and didn't want to totally surrender in intimate moments. I'll never forget when one time she did O from penetration she had this look of disdain as if I had gotten one over on her like I breached her wall of protection.

Don't know if something like that is going on with your wife but perhaps a sex therapist can help out.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Get your wife a Magic Wand! It's the best toy for those that need a lot of clit stimulation. She can use it alone or with you. You can use it on her too.

She will have to experiment until she finds the exact spots it works best on for her. It will work though.

It comes in a wired and cordless version. 

Here is what it looks like...


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

GG1061 said:


> My ex told me she didn't O from penetration only and I can count on my two hands the times she did in our 8+ years. I wasn't her first so she knew what she liked already. Oral was the best way for her. Since she could orgasm from PIV, albeit very infrequently, I was of the opinion if we could do it once we can learn how to consistently repeat that experience. But I felt like there was this hidden part of her she closed off and didn't want to totally surrender in intimate moments. I'll never forget when one time she did O from penetration she had this look of disdain as if I had gotten one over on her like I breached her wall of protection.
> 
> Don't know if something like that is going on with your wife but perhaps a sex therapist can help out.


totally get what you're talking about. I think our wives may be related. there have been times when I've hit "the spot" and her reaction is priceless. Why not do that again if it feels great? Wives are a mystery and then some.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> totally get what you're talking about. I think our wives may be related. there have been times when I've hit "the spot" and her reaction is priceless. Why not do that again if it feels great? Wives are a mystery and then some.


With most women I think sex just depends so much on mindset and whether they are able to zone out and relax. And some men just won't let you disengage and zone out and relax and that can prevent you from having an orgasm. Of course most of those women can get themselves off and orgasm just fine with masturbation alone.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> It seems to be less about his lack of ability to get her off, and largely about her refusal to allow him to get her off.


ability probably wasnt the right word... that came off more harshly than intended. I stand by my point that something else seems amiss. Another post mentions resentment on both parts. I lean toward that being correct.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am very sex positive and sex is important to me but divorcing someone because you can’t make them orgasm seems a bit much. 

If it’s an issue, shouldn’t she be the one divorcing you??

Are there other things going on that have you consulting an attorney? Is she rejecting you? Neglecting you? Is she mistreating you in any way?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mountains and mountains of undisclosed history here.

Wife won’t let him touch her vagina———WHAT?????????

Seeing a lawyer because she told him to hurry up she was getting dry….. WHAT????

OP, women love for their romantic partner to touch them everywhere. Clearly you aren’t her romantic partner. You tell us. Why is that?

you didn’t answer another important question someone else asked you. Has she had an O with anyone else? Can she make herself have one? If she’s never masturbated…… sounds like a woman that just doesn’t like sex to me.

you are having thoughts that you are seriously incompatible. Tell us more. Maybe some of the gallery can suggest ways to help.

Again, a woman that wont let her own husband touch her vagina—— rare.
Gotta be a profound reason for that, which you need to discover if there’s any hope of you both being happy with one another. As someone said, that’s a symptom of deeper problems than just an orgasm.


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## Flowersandsand (7 mo ago)

I can relate to your wife in that i get dry and comfortable with only piv sex, and absolutely crushed when my husband doesn't pursue me hard enough. I'm not going to assume you are bad at anything but misguided in your approach. She sounds insecure. This works for me, might help you tremendously.

You could try warming her up with sensual touches but at first avoid the vagina. Just take longer than you think you need to and massage her legs, her thighs and her hip joints, caress her belly and her pubic mound but no genitals. It will stimulate blood flow which makes arousal easier. Then tell her you think her vagina is so BEAUTIFUL and mean it. Breathe and tell her it smells sexy and can i please touch you for a while... But contrary to it being a "hot button" do NOT go for the clit. If she allows, cup her and manipulate her vaginal flesh with caressing with varying pressures. Slide one finger down the center folds to test the waters... Maybe then she'll open up. 

Maybe save your mouth for when she's more comfortable as the tongue is far more intense of a feeling, and not in a good way if she isn't warmed up. And don't forget to show the rest of her body some attention DURING intercourse. Things like massaging her thighs and lips are so necessary throughout. If any of this gets you here, you could then massage her clit while you have sex to bring her to orgasm. Not sure how she likes her clit touched, but if she's nervous, use her excess skin as a barrier between her clit and your fingers so it isn't too intense, which can be painful. 

Just trying to live vicariously through you, my husband won't take it slow and is always trying to "progress things" to piv and gets too lost in the thrusting to remember I'm here. But yeah i think the compliments and at first purposefully avoiding the genitals is magic.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

hub49 said:


> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there.* We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.*


So your wife has put all sorts of barriers up to how and what she will tolerate. No oral, no manual, no toys. I assume that she doesn't want to touch your thing with hand or mouth either. PIV being the only game kinda guarantees she isn't as likely to cum so that of course removes another source of enjoyment for you. 

But, after 20 years, it isn't likely the dynamic is going to change. At her age, menopause will begin to enter the picture if it hasn't already. And there is a slim possibility her libido goes through the roof and she wants you to start doing all of the stuff she didn't want before now. 

How about just going with the flow? She isn't complaining about no Os and the blame is really in her court anyway. 

But why are you considering a divorce? There must be some other undercurrent here you havent exposed.



hub49 said:


> It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing. At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner).


You are taking on stress that you shouldn't. If she didn't love you would she have stuck it out for 20 years with no orgasms ever? You could take the blame if she was doing her part, but since she is the one who put handcuffs on, why be concerned? We are talking about HER orgasm. You aren't in a dead bedroon.



Longtime Hubby said:


> I used to be concerned if she had the O. Now? Don't really care and not caring takes pressure off her to get there. Weird, I know, but it works for us.


Take this attitude. And you can tell her you are ready to enthusiastically accommodate any loosening of the many restrictions, but in the meantime will enjoy what you have. It is possible that constantly making an issue regarding *HER *orgasm prevents her from getting in the zone to have one.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Flowersandsand said:


> I can relate to your wife in that i get dry and comfortable with only piv sex, and absolutely crushed when my husband doesn't pursue me hard enough. I'm not going to assume you are bad at anything but misguided in your approach. She sounds insecure. This works for me, might help you tremendously.
> 
> You could try warming her up with sensual touches but at first avoid the vagina. Just take longer than you think you need to and massage her legs, her thighs and her hip joints, caress her belly and her pubic mound but no genitals. It will stimulate blood flow which makes arousal easier. Then tell her you think her vagina is so BEAUTIFUL and mean it. Breathe and tell her it smells sexy and can i please touch you for a while... But contrary to it being a "hot button" do NOT go for the clit. If she allows, cup her and manipulate her vaginal flesh with caressing with varying pressures. Slide one finger down the center folds to test the waters... Maybe then she'll open up.
> 
> ...


Very good advice, nicely written.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else.


OP how does this part relate to your W not being orgasmic? I'm completely confounded by this statement.

Is it because she's told you that she'd basically have more fun with a different partner?

Is it because you feel emasculated by this situation?

Is it because you're having no fun not being able to have anything but piv with a woman?

Is it because she's starfishing (lying there, duty sex, get over with it)?

We need some background here...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

hub49 said:


> But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else.


After 20 years and having kids with her? At 49 years of age? Willing to go through the divorce buzz saw cuz you cant get her to climax from PIV? I am guessing missionary is also the only positioned used, cuz if she got up top of you she could get herself off without you doing much beyond staying stiff.


Quad73 said:


> Is it because she's told you that she'd basically have more fun with a different partner?


Maybe this is the issue? She had someone r thicker in her past that she keeps mentioning


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> After 20 years and having kids with her? At 49 years of age? Willing to go through the divorce buzz saw cuz you cant get her to climax from PIV? I am guessing missionary is also the only positioned used, cuz if she got up top of you she could get herself off without you doing much beyond staying stiff.
> 
> Maybe this is the issue? She had someone r thicker in her past that she keeps mentioning


I don't get the sense that she enjoyed previous partners more. If anything it's the opposite. I had other partners who just "got me" more and it was fairly effortless.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

How did you end up with her for 20 years? Did she fake it or something in the beginning?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I don't get the sense that she enjoyed previous partners more. If anything it's the opposite. I had other partners who just "got me" more and it was fairly effortless.


So the orgasm issue is really not the central problem here. You’re not happy in your marriage any more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

hub49 said:


> I don't get the sense that she enjoyed previous partners more. If anything it's the opposite. I had other partners who just "got me" more and it was fairly effortless.


Then why did you marry this one?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

This has feel of a MLC. With age nearing 50, wondering “is this all there is”. Contemplating blowing up a 20 year marriage for to see what else is out there.

IMO this has a high disaster potential. I walked on the edge of MLC decades ago. Not with my marriage, but contemplated quitting a high paying corporate job with benefits in my field to begin a small business in a field I knew nothing about. Thankful I got my footing before trashing our life.

OP, think this through please. And talk with good trusted friend IRL. Get some IC using money you would spend on divorcing a woman who has loved you for a very long time through thick and thin.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> This has feel of a MLC. With age nearing 50, wondering “is this all there is”. Contemplating blowing up a 20 year marriage for to see what else is out there.
> 
> IMO this has a high disaster potential. I walked on the edge of MLC decades ago. Not with my marriage, but contemplated quitting a high paying corporate job with benefits in my field to begin a small business in a field I knew nothing about. Thankful I got my footing before trashing our life.
> 
> OP, think this through please. And talk with good trusted friend IRL. Get some IC using money you would spend on divorcing a woman who has loved you for a very long time through thick and thin.


I kind of wonder if there isn’t someone else. Maybe not a full blown affair, just a younger woman that he sees or talks to and wonders if he wouldn’t be better off with her.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I kind of wonder if there isn’t someone else. Maybe not a full blown affair, just a younger woman that he sees or talks to and wonders if he wouldn’t be better off with her.


That has even higher disaster potential! Hopefully that facet isn’t there. But if he doesnt get this under control it could become a factor


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I kind of wonder if there isn’t someone else. Maybe not a full blown affair, just a younger woman that he sees or talks to and wonders if he wouldn’t be better off with her.


There isn't. I have female coworkers and friends but I don't look at them sexually.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

hub49 said:


> There isn't. I have female coworkers and friends but I don't look at them sexually.


Maybe MLC. Women have them too, you look around and wonder if this is really it. I mean, if she’s not having orgasms and you are, doesn’t make a lot of sense for YOU to be mad about that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> mean, if she’s not having orgasms and you are, doesn’t make a lot of sense for YOU to be mad about that.


Maybe not mad. But brings to a man’s mind that they are inadequate to the task. That the woman doesn’t desire them. OP has turned every knob and pulled every lever she will allow him to pull and it has done no good. So at 49 he is thinking, maybe another woman will desire me so much that I will ring her bell. 

Just read some of the posts about try this or try that. OP is tired of trying. IMO it will do him good to disconnect from worrying about HER orgasm or lack of and stop even mentioning it. If she wants one then she needs to take charge of HER needs and go get one.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe not mad. But brings to a man’s mind that they are inadequate to the task. That the woman doesn’t desire them. OP has turned every knob and pulled every lever she will allow him to pull and it has done no good. So at 49 he is thinking, maybe another woman will desire me so much that I will ring her bell.
> 
> Just read some of the posts about try this or try that. OP is tired of trying. IMO it will do him good to disconnect from worrying about HER orgasm or lack of and stop even mentioning it. If she wants one then she needs to take charge of HER needs and go get one.


Perhaps a little less pressure would do everyone some good. I don’t think I could orgasm under these circumstances either. There’s nothing wrong with just letting it lie for a bit, as you suggest. And remember, porn stars are pretending.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe not mad. But brings to a man’s mind that they are inadequate to the task. That the woman doesn’t desire them. OP has turned every knob and pulled every lever she will allow him to pull and it has done no good. So at 49 he is thinking, maybe another woman will desire me so much that I will ring her bell.
> 
> Just read some of the posts about try this or try that. OP is tired of trying. IMO it will do him good to disconnect from worrying about HER orgasm or lack of and stop even mentioning it. If she wants one then she needs to take charge of HER needs and go get one.


Thank you - this sums it up very well for me. I've tried and I feel shame and demoralized to not help her get there. Nobody likes feeling as if they are not enough for someone and they don't make their partner happy. I do agree less pressure is probably helpful. I haven't brought up the orgasm issue in a while, and I didn't ask her to clarify her "peak" comment from a few weeks ago. Like others have said, it would be hard for any partner to have an orgasm when feeling pressured. And, honestly, if she were to have one...would I even feel good, knowing how miserable I've been through this journey?

There is no one else in the picture. I'm not actively looking, either. I'd rather just be honest and say 'this isn't working for me' and divorce, rather than sneak around. I'm not concerned about how she'd react if I said I wanted to leave. As others have hinted, it wouldn't be that much of a heartbreak.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I'm not concerned about how she'd react if I said I wanted to leave. As others have hinted, it wouldn't be that much of a heartbreak.


What is going on here? Why do you think this would be her reaction? There is something beyond what you have described that is the actual root problem.

The two of you have been married for nearly half of your lives. From what you have said before this I would think she would be devastated. Why do you think her reaction would be “meh”?


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> What is going on here? Why do you think this would be her reaction? There is something beyond what you have described that is the actual root problem.
> 
> The two of you have been married for nearly half of your lives. From what you have said before this I would think she would be devastated. Why do you think her reaction would be “meh”?


In many aspects of life, I'm the much more expressive of the two of us. She is more emotionally reserved, closed off. She says "I love you" a lot but to me it feels hollow. It's just easy for me to see that, if someone is not fully expressive when it comes to intimacy with me, then they'd react in a lukewarm way if I said I wanted out. In other words, I wouldn't be missed. I also struggle with abandonment issues. The lack of intimacy and orgasm comes across as an emotional abandonment. Well, I'm tired of feeling abandoned. Maybe I should leave and she can see how that feels!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BTW I used to think the crazy porn star carrying on was fake too until I got the right vibrator. When you can feel the contractions on your dong you know you’re not doing it wrong. Just sayin’


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> BTW I used to think the crazy porn star carrying on was fake too until I got the right vibrator. When you can feel the contractions on your dong you know you’re not doing it wrong. Just sayin’


It’s a valuable skill set. 😉


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

hub49 said:


> There isn't. I have female coworkers and friends but I don't look at them sexually.


Then why do you hide in the bathroom stall so much at work then? 😁


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a valuable skill set. 😉


Lol the other day she was carrying on to excess based on her usual and I was like thank you Amazon Prime with free shipping.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Lol the other day she was carrying on to excess based on her usual and I was like thank you Amazon Prime with free shipping.


Our son has been at camp. No noise ordinance in place this week.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Our son has been at camp. No noise ordinance in place this week.


We retired n country, no one here but us. Never a noise ordinance


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

hub49 said:


> In many aspects of life, I'm the much more expressive of the two of us. She is more emotionally reserved, closed off. She says "I love you" a lot but to me it feels hollow. It's just easy for me to see that, if someone is not fully expressive when it comes to intimacy with me, then they'd react in a lukewarm way if I said I wanted out. In other words, I wouldn't be missed. I also struggle with abandonment issues. The lack of intimacy and orgasm comes across as an emotional abandonment. Well, I'm tired of feeling abandoned. Maybe I should leave and she can see how that feels!


So, when you have had conversations with her about feeling abandoned, what has been her response? Is it possible that SHE is at a loss about how to respond. I could imagine this might make her even more emotionally reserved. Like she doesn't know how to mend fences with you. The time she recently mentioned a "peak", is it possible she was trying to improve the dynamic?

Of course you will do whatever you think is the best path forward, but IMO your marriage is worth trying to save even at this late date. Can you get some facilitated discussion about your feelings so she fully understands that you have one foot out the door? I don't even know what a "sex counselor" does or how they do it, but people on here often advise retaining one to straighten out sexual problems in a marriage. Your wife has to understand that her hangups and barriers are likely to make her a divorcee if they aren't addressed.

The one thing I know, is that divorce isn't any walk in the park. All of the men I know personally divorced when they were 40-60. Everyone of them was an unmitigated disaster for them. And every one of them have told me the wish they had just put up with the warts instead of going down that road. To a man they have told me the "cure" was way worse than the disease.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I would think staying with someone you resent and dislike is worse than whatever “disaster” divorce would be. I know I’d prefer my husband just leave. But I wouldn’t fight him for money because I have my own.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I would think staying it’s someone you resent and dislike is worse than whatever “disaster” divorce would be. I know I’d prefer my husband just leave. But I wouldn’t fight him for money because I have my own.


OP has resentment because his wife's hangups make him feel abandoned. Before he jumps off the divorce cliff I just think it be worthwhile to expend a little more effort to fix it.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

hub49 said:


> It's just easy for me to see that, if someone is not fully expressive when it comes to intimacy with me, then they'd react in a lukewarm way if I said I wanted out.


Many people have trouble with true intimacy and expression thereof. It seems as if she loves you despite any bedroom issues, so why the sudden urge to just end it? 

Was it always like this? When and why did she stop allowing you touch her lady parts? When did she stop talking about things (she did mention the dry thing, so it doesn't seem like she's completely silent on sexual issues).


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> OP has resentment because his wife's hangups make him feel abandoned. Before he jumps off the divorce cliff I just think it be worthwhile to expend a little more effort to fix it.


We don’t know if she works, what their financial situation is. Divorce may not as bad as you’re thinking.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> OP has resentment because his wife's hangups make him feel abandoned. Before he jumps off the divorce cliff *I just think it be worthwhile to expend a little more effort to fix it.*


IMO, this likely wont be fixable....not if he actually wants a sexual relationship...

The way it translates, with what the OP has stated is that she clearly doesn't want to have sex with him...AND she isn't even trying to fake it....Now...Maybe she doesn't want to have sex with anyone, that's an issue that would be less humiliating to the guy, but the end result is the same...

IME, despite what guys try to rationalize it by, most women love sex....They want to be touched...Many even want to be man handled sexually ...What she has said to him, is about as much of a boner killer as anything I can think of... ..If I am honest, if a woman ever said that to me, i'd stop right there, leave the room, and she'd never be touched again... That would be the end of it...Sex without mutual interest and enthusiasm is not sex....Its a duty...Its a chore...Its downright humiliating....I don't know how any guy could continue with those "rules"...No offense to the OP..

If saving the marriage is the hill to die on, then about the only thing I think he could possibly do, if he isn't doing it already, is take stock of himself...Is he really out of shape and not properly groomed? Is he not "exciting"./? Maybe make some changes in some of these areas, if some of her friends or even women out on the street show interest, it may light her back up, but I think that is a long shot...Worth a try though, it will be a worthwhile goal for himself, and maybe he finds someone else in the interim that actually wants him, so he can let her go and be happy(or miserable) with someone else..

Its often said that women often shoot themselves in the foot by marrying "safe" guys rather than physically attractive ones...While that keeps the lights on, the Lexus in the garage, and the kids happy, she is left yearning for the other guy that makes her motor run(but maybe not as safe or capable in other areas)....That's the bed they make if they choose that path, so I don't know that its all that surprising when it degrades to this level...I can't say if that's the issue here, but certainly a possibility...

Anyway, this aint about an orgasm..,,,There is far more to this story...Sorry to be the wet blanket, but just the way it looks by what the OP has stated...My advice to the OP is if you don't want to feel like a dope here, you need to do something about it...it won't go away on its own...


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> The way it translates, with what the OP has stated is that she clearly doesn't want to have sex with him...AND she isn't even trying to fake it.


I get what you're saying, but I'm not so sure it was always this way (and he won't answer). Since she used to mention not having an orgasm frequently and then later went to duty sex, how did that happen? Did he ignore her for so long that she gave up? Is it her hang ups or does he have some too? Were they inexperienced when they got married and just never figured it out? 

Some part of this story is missing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


At 20yrs married and she chooses not to talk with you how as a team you BOTH can get more out of sex, that's now solely on her.
You want to do whatever it takes. She won't let you, guide you, won't let you touch her vajajay (really?)..


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She enjoys the penetration apparently but if it goes on too long (and this could happen with or without orgasm), then it doesn't feel good and gets uncomfortable. It's actually quite common. It does just sound like she has some issues about you touching her vagina, etc., but what about her clitoris? Is that off limits too? That's where the hot button is. Not everyone can get off from vaginal alone, which you know but she seems not to care. Honestly, most people find out what gets them off by masturbating at some point and then they know what to tell their partner (or show their partner). If she's never done that, she doesn't even know what might work. Of course, it's possible none of that will work for her, but that is rare. Maybe she is just too uncomfortable with the whole concept of sex to relax and enjoy it. You can't force it. If she wanted to fix it, that is something she could experiment with on her own or using those toys without you in the room so she could relax without feeling embarrassed.


She has had 20 yrs to do her part in improving their sex life. But hasn't. Game over.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

I want to thank everyone who posted here with something helpful. In hindsight, it may not have been the best judgment for me to post this topic here. The situation is too complicated to explain in a setting like this, and I'd be here half the day answering everyone's questions. All I can say is the situation may not be as bad as what I've been able to describe, but also isn't super-awesome. I don't think I've said anything that would merit an apology, but I sincerely hope none of you found my comments to be upsetting or triggering.

As I might have said in an earlier comment, I wasn't looking to shift blame from myself and demonize my partner. It's evident I have issues of my own to work out, and that's where I will be focusing my attention. You can't change someone else's thoughts and behavior. All you can do is change yourself, and whether others embrace the changes you make is out of your control. Whether I ultimately stay or go will be my choice to make. 

Again, thank you. Some comments were helpful, others not as much. I'd like to think that everyone meant well in some way.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Hi
You are missing out of God's gifts.
Get therapy, gottmam sex therapist.
But ask yourself, has she said I don't Ike oral sex, V- stimulation, or sex period?" How long has it been since she have you downstairs pleasure. Ever?
PUT THIS STATEMENT at the end of all her statements, " Yead, but will not t do it with me." Believe me. a hot sexy alpha male comes knocking, takes her, and she will jump at the chance, cheat. SHE WILL orgasm all night, but not with you. LEAVE DUDE!
YOU PUT up with that too long.get red pulled.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I want to thank everyone who posted here with something helpful. In hindsight, it may not have been the best judgment for me to post this topic here. The situation is too complicated to explain in a setting like this, and I'd be here half the day answering everyone's questions. All I can say is the situation may not be as bad as what I've been able to describe, but also isn't super-awesome. I don't think I've said anything that would merit an apology, but I sincerely hope none of you found my comments to be upsetting or triggering.
> 
> As I might have said in an earlier comment, I wasn't looking to shift blame from myself and demonize my partner. It's evident I have issues of my own to work out, and that's where I will be focusing my attention. You can't change someone else's thoughts and behavior. All you can do is change yourself, and whether others embrace the changes you make is out of your control. Whether I ultimately stay or go will be my choice to make.
> 
> Again, thank you. Some comments were helpful, others not as much. I'd like to think that everyone meant well in some way.


Hey go find a person who has burning desire for you now!! Styx song# you are fooling yourself!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

hub49 said:


> This will make me sound horrible, so I don't need anyone to pile on. I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed. It seems like a key part of the relationship is missing. At times I interpret this as a lack of love for me (i.e., it wouldn't be a problem if she had a different partner). I don't want to have an affair. That would just be wrong. But I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else.


Honestly? I think she just doesn't like sex and wants it over with as quickly as is humanly possible. If she has to fake that she had a PIV orgasm because she went dry, then I guess that's her prerogative.

This isn't your fault, it's not her fault. It's just obviously not a pressing need for her. She could be asexual or maybe she's just taking care of business herself.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> maybe she's just taking care of business herself.


I’ve wondered this for this whole thread. I’ve also wondered why he doesn’t show her his favorite porn star and tell her to act like that. Then she knows what he wants.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’ve wondered this for this whole thread. *I’ve also wondered why he doesn’t show her his favorite porn star and tell her to act like that. *Then she knows what he wants.


What in OPs story leads to this ? AFAIK porn wasnt mentioned. His wife doesnt tolerate what is 100% normal between a husband and wife. And it has hurt him badly.

If the roles were reversed, if she wanted oral and he refused to go down on her, she could be here complaining and on the verge of divircing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> What in OPs story leads to this ? AFAIK porn wasnt mentioned. His wife doesnt tolerate what is 100% normal between a husband and wife. And it has hurt him badly.
> 
> If the roles were reversed, if she wanted oral and he refused to go down on her, she could be here complaining and on the verge of divircing.


Is she refusing oral on him? I thought she just didn't want him to go down on her, am I mistaken? If I am, that is a little different, but my understanding was that she gave him the sex he wanted but didn't orgasm like he wanted her to.

He is dissatisfied with her sexual performance, showing her an acceptable one would at least set the expectation.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Is she refusing oral on him? I thought she just didn't want him to go down on her, am I mistaken? If I am, that is a little different, but my understanding was that she gave him the sex he wanted but didn't orgasm like he wanted her to.
> 
> He is dissatisfied with her sexual performance, showing her an acceptable one would at least set the expectation.


The issue is SHE wont let him perform oral on HER. She wont let him touch her below the waist. She doesnt allow toys. It’s matrimonial PIV only. She doesnt climax. He hasnt complained except about restrictions she has placed on their intimacy, I was one who asked if she didnt want to touch his thing. He never answered.

Find where her performance or porn was mentioned. Maybe I am the one mistaken


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> The issue is SHE wont let him perform oral on HER. She wont let him touch her below the waist. She doesnt allow toys. It’s matrimonial PIV only. She doesnt climax. He hasnt complained except about restrictions she has placed on their intimacy, I was one who asked if she didnt want to touch his thing. He never answered.
> 
> Find where her performance or porn was mentioned. Maybe I am the one mistaken


There are a lot of things that would be clearer to me if he would answer some of those direct questions. But they’re very personal questions, maybe he isn’t comfortable sharing.

He didn’t bring up porn, I did. The situation as I understand it is that it seems he’s getting essentially starfish sex and he’s unhappy with that. Do we know that the wife knows what he wants? Does she understand what would make him happy? I bring up porn as a way to show her an example of what he likes. It’s hard to describe, maybe that would help illustrate it for her. That’s what I meant by performance. She’s just lying there, are we sure she’s aware that is a problem and knows what to do instead?


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## Slowhand (Oct 8, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Before you consider someone else, make sure you are taking time to get her excited before penetration. While you penetrate her use positions that stimulate he G-spot and clitoris. If she does not like oral, manually stimulate her with your penis before penetration.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There are a lot of things that would be clearer to me if he would answer some of those direct questions. But they’re very personal questions, maybe he isn’t comfortable sharing.
> 
> He didn’t bring up porn, I did. The situation as I understand it is that it seems he’s getting essentially starfish sex and he’s unhappy with that. Do we know that the wife knows what he wants? Does she understand what would make him happy? I bring up porn as a way to show her an example of what he likes. It’s hard to describe, maybe that would help illustrate it for her. That’s what I meant by performance. She’s just lying there, are we sure she’s aware that is a problem and knows what to do instead?


After 20 years if M, I'm going with she knows what he wants and chooses ways to say no that ride the unreasonable but maybe not line, something to allow her to say no. There's a pattern somewhere.

I'm betting she knows all his likes and has regular-ized her ways standard ways of saying no that H will accept.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> After 20 years if M, I'm going with she knows what he wants and chooses ways to say no that ride the unreasonable but maybe not line, something to allow her to say no. There's a pattern somewhere.
> 
> I'm betting she knows all his likes and has regular-ized her ways standard ways of saying no that H will accept.


Or perhaps him touching or performing oral on her is an exercise in frustration for them both and she has given up and is giving him what he wants and taking care of herself later. He isn’t answering questions about what SHE is willing to do. I don’t think fixing this is the point anyway, I’ll step away. My “help” isn’t wanted.


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## Buzlightyear (7 mo ago)

I lived this life for almost 10 years. My STBXW never once had an orgasm. I tried every trick possible and at some point you just give up and the duty sex is a life sentence. If she doesn't have the desire to figure it out it's just a one way street.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

If nothing else, I wouldn't touch her anymore.... That type of stuff she is doing is just humiliating to the guy....Preserve your dignity and don't bother doing what you are doing...

it would be interesting to see what her response is....My guess is she'll do nothing about it and actually may even be happier......

Then you can start planning your next move...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Buzlightyear said:


> I lived this life for almost 10 years. My STBXW never once had an orgasm. I tried every trick possible and at some point you just give up and the duty sex is a life sentence. If she doesn't have the desire to figure it out it's just a one way street.


A person of either gender is responsible for their own orgasm. If she needs something different it is up to her to speak up. A man shouldnt spend two seconds worrying about it. If duty sex is what results, begin plotting escape from the prison


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or perhaps him touching or performing oral on her is an exercise in frustration for them both and she has given up and is giving him what he wants and taking care of herself later. He isn’t answering questions about what SHE is willing to do. I don’t think fixing this is the point anyway, I’ll step away. My “help” isn’t wanted.


The exercise in frustration is likely real for both. That each don't know more what the other likes by history whether physical history, repeated conversations on just observations rings untrue to me.

Even if tried or discussed once a month much less observations there is literally no chance she, and he of course don't know enough about each other to be more in tune. The sheer repetition and not caring g gets to be the real and larger problem.

Whether they care or not is a different story. Sad but not uncommon for either H or W to find out how they can reject the other yet keep a loose hold on the M.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> A person of either gender is responsible for their own orgasm. If she needs something different it is up to her to speak up. A man shouldnt spend two seconds worrying about it. If duty sex is what results, begin plotting escape from the prison


I mostly agree but he did say she brought it up in the past



hub49 said:


> she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..


He doesn't seem interested in answering questions in order to get better suggestions, but this leads me to believe she just gave up and started providing duty sex to avoid frustration.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> He doesn't seem interested in answering questions in order to get better suggestions, but this leads me to believe she just gave up and started providing duty sex to avoid frustration.


He won’t answer questions about her efforts. He will only say that she is to blame.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He won’t answer questions about her efforts. He will only say that she is to blame.


Shocking.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

hub49 said:


> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, s*o it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there.*





theloveofmylife said:


> she just gave up and started providing duty sex to avoid frustration.


Well, she put all kinds of restrictions on, then lets him know she isn't climaxing. Letting him know "you ain't getting the job done". If he isn't big enough to suit her, what the h3ll is he supposed to do? That may be what he is alluding to that she has never orgasmed WITH HIM, and has let him know several times in the past. Indirectly letting him know that a predecessor was way better at ringing her bell.

What questions should he answer and what "suggestions" should he accept? He said it's matrimonial PIV which he knows ( and she knows ) isn't going to get her there. So she isn't climaxing in 20 years, surprise surprise. His wife has no grounds for complaining about anything. He has plenty of grounds for complaining, and amazing that he put up with this crap for two decades. Not surprising he has one foot out the door. Maybe both feet by now.

This is the "bed" she has made, probably because of strict upbringing or parochial education about what is "permissible" between a husband and wife.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Too many rules she has.

Sounds like you can use the cordless drill but NOT with the battery in it.

Wtf?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
A little humourous I know.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Well, she put all kinds of restrictions on, then lets him know she isn't climaxing. Letting him know "you ain't getting the job done". If he isn't big enough to suit her, what the h3ll is he supposed to do? That may be what he is alluding to that she has never orgasmed WITH HIM, and has let him know several times in the past. Indirectly letting him know that a predecessor was way better at ringing her bell.
> 
> What questions should he answer and what "suggestions" should he accept? He said it's matrimonial PIV which he knows ( and she knows ) isn't going to get her there. So she isn't climaxing in 20 years, surprise surprise. His wife has no grounds for complaining about anything. He has plenty of grounds for complaining, and amazing that he put up with this crap for two decades. Not surprising he has one foot out the door. Maybe both feet by now.
> 
> This is the "bed" she has made, probably because of strict upbringing or parochial education about what is "permissible" between a husband and wife.


Rus, thank you again. 

I stopped answering people"s questions here because it was evident people weren't paying attention to what I wrote and were inferring a lot of things I never said.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some people are duds in bed. 

Some couples are not good together and are not compatible with each other sexually. 

Unfortunately there is not a summer sex camp we could sign ourselves up for but there are books and videos and such on sexual activities, positions and techniques. There is marital counseling for relationship problems and sex therapy to help assess and address sexual problems. 

But at the end of the day it will all boil down to whether this is the person you wish to remain in a sexually exclusive relationship with or not.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Well, she put all kinds of restrictions on, then lets him know she isn't climaxing.


We don't know that it happened in that order. That's why I've asked the questions I did throughout this thread. He has decided not to answer, which is of course his right, but how can we blame it all on only her without knowing those answers?

She may have been begging for changes for years and finally just decided to say forget it. "_Get in and get out, pal, since there's nothing in it for me_" (thus the restrictions etc). That's what I've been trying to find out.

I think I'll just take his non-answer as my answer. If that's the case, a new relationship will suffer as well, only I daresay a lot of women won't put up with it for nearly as long.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> but how can we blame it all on her


Because SHE is the one who put all of the conditions on their intimacy. While telling him he isn't getting the job done. Like telling him, go climb that tall mountain over there after breaking both of his legs. 



hub49 said:


> she has never orgasmed with me, *which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past.*


His wife is the one who ought to be answering questions, but she ain't here. Will just say most women can easily get THEMSELVES off with their hands, toys, or by getting up on their man and rubbing how / where it feels good. If his wife can't or won't do that, AND SHARE WITH HIM what rings her bell, She has no grounds to complain and shouldn't be telling him over and over that she hasn't climaxed with him.

Most women aren't going to get there by PIV only unless the man is unusually well endowed. So maybe that is the situation here. Which is her fault again for staying married for 20 years to someone all while fondly recalling some other guy.



hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years


So she was 25 when they married. How likely is it that she had no partners before @hub49 ? Maybe the one who tickled her fancy was one who "got away" someone bigger/badder/better. Her fault again.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> She may have been *begging for changes for years* and finally just decided to say forget it. "_Get in and get out, pal, since there's nothing in it for me_" (thus the restrictions etc). That's what I've been trying to find out.


What changes? She doesn't like oral, wont let him finger her, wont use toys. I am betting she is a one trick pony, matrimonial PIV is it. I would ask him if doggie style and cowgirl are also off of the agenda. I am betting they are.

So what changes are you talking about? There is "nothing in it for her" by her own choice. With all of the limitations, what could any man do besides growing a different member? With missionary PIV, there are a lot of possible variations, but unless her and his anatomy fit right, it isn't going to hit the right spots to get her off. Again, unless he is well enough endowed to make the connection.

If she let him use a vibrator (or his hands) on her while he was in her, missionary could work and they would both have a great time. But you see she wont permit either one.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> What changes? She doesn't like oral, wont let him finger her, wont use toys. I am betting she is a one trick pony, matrimonial PIV is it. I would ask him if doggie style and cowgirl are also off of the agenda. I am betting they are.


I guess you missed my point. Like I said, we don't know when those restrictions and limitations started. Did that come AFTER years of begging or has it ALWAYS been this way? If she wanted to improve things in the past and HE wouldn't THEN she might have given up and put up restrictions, because there was nothing in for her but NOT by her choice. *We. don't. know. *

If it has always been this way, why does it suddenly bother him 20 years down the road and to the point of divorce without discussion?

I hate to see marriages, especially long ones, end if not necessary. I also believe it takes two to make it good (or bad). If it is as you describe then I'd be unhappy also, but I'd still say something before heading off to the attorneys office.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> I guess you missed my point. Like I said, we don't know when those restrictions and limitations started. Did that come AFTER years of begging or has it ALWAYS been this way? If she wanted to improve things in the past and HE wouldn't THEN she might have given up and put up restrictions, because there was nothing in for her but NOT by her choice. *We. don't. know. *
> 
> If it has always been this way, why does it suddenly bother him 20 years down the road and to the point of divorce without discussion?
> 
> I hate to see marriages, especially long ones, end if not necessary. If it is as you describe then I'd be unhappy also, but I'd still say something before heading off to the attorneys office.


You're saying she begged him to use his hands, fingers, toys, accoutrements, for years and he wouldn't?
That sounds a stretch.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're saying she begged him to use his hands, fingers, toys, accoutrements, for years and he wouldn't?
> That sounds a stretch.


Meanwhile, why hasn't she been getting herself off? Are her fingers broken? She has never used a vibrator, otherwise OP would not have had trouble when he introduced toys. She would have been showing him how to run BOB in the ground. And letting @hub49 watch while she does it. Maybe she is an Alpha widow who has been pining 20 years for "the one". We have read threads like that before. 

But, he said she didn't even want to talk about sex with him ( too modest ). So maybe a woman who was "educated" by a mother or a school system that "nice girls" do nothing but starfish.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> If it has always been this way, why does it suddenly bother him 20 years down the road and to the point of divorce without discussion?


I read it has been bothering him from day one. He has tried everything he could think of to solve it. He is tired of trying and has reached the end of the rope. This thread was a "Hail Mary" to find another path. Nothing happened "suddenly". Read what he has written.

There are threads on here where men have lived with* NO* sex or pity sex or duty sex or starfish for 20 years. Staying "for the kids", or in the vain hope that somehow the stars will realign., or because they don't want to live the end of their lives in poverty.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're saying she begged him to use his hands, fingers, toys, accoutrements, for years and he wouldn't?
> That sounds a stretch.


We don't know what she asked for or not. Only he knows. We just know that she told him many times in the past that what was happening wasn't working.



Rus47 said:


> He has tried everything he could think of to solve it.


He said he tried toys but was awkward for both so didn't try any more. He said talking about it was uncomfortable for both. 

He said he might be better with a fresh start. I just don't see it if he can't resolve issues with someone he's been with this long. It will be even more awkward and uncomfortable with someone new (and many women expect much more from sex these days).

I think OP and his wife both gave up. You and I both have our own opinions, so I guess we should agree to disagree, if he isn't going to clarify.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Whe n you say not with you. What other things she won't do with you. Get therapy, if a alpha hot male comes to town, she will.
When she don't want to do or have something, 
Add this statement, " not with me!."


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## carabina (6 mo ago)

I would recommend that you talk more with her about sex, just ask her what she likes during sex, and what she wants from you during the act, i also will recommend you to be open minded on the couples sex toys, and you must have a look


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## Frankie J (4 mo ago)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Send her to my house , I will have her fixed in a few hours . At no cost


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


I don't think it is a lack of love for you. Just something that happens. Last night my wife told me afterward she peaked and then I tried something else. If she peaks and doesn't orgasm she won't do so even if I do something else.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> You keep mentioning your desire to go the divorce route.
> 
> This sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her,
> 
> ...


Dangerous talk even to mention the word divorce in a marriage. Words are powerful and can be violent. You have to put that right if you can if you value your marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


She *DOES NOT* let you touch her vajajay?

That right there, if nothing else, screams she's got a mental issue going on. Everything after that tidbit is add on, something is psychology wrong. I mean really.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

gaius said:


> I think getting to the root of the problem with her might be a better first choice. Why after 20 years is she so modest talking about sex with her husband?
> 
> If she has rape or molestation in her past it's probably time to start confronting that. If there's something off with your relationship, some dynamic not going on that she needs to orgasm then that needs to be figured out too. You can't make a smart decision to leave or not until you figure all that out.


If they've been M 20yrs as shared, and any such issues are unknown to H, that's fn weird.

Plus, tbh, I can't really accept as fact that for 20yrs H has never been able to touch her hoo-haw.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> I mostly agree but he did say she brought it up in the past
> 
> 
> 
> He doesn't seem interested in answering questions in order to get better suggestions, but this leads me to believe she just gave up and started providing duty sex to avoid frustration.


How can they have any sex if he can't touch her vajajay? How can that even work? 

Can someone explain that to me? Seriously. Who would think such a circumstance could even exist?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

hub49 said:


> I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years and have a teenage son. I'd say the relationship is good overall. We have fun in the bedroom for the most part but she has never orgasmed with me, which she had made a point to tell me several times in the past..
> 
> She does not let me touch her vagina or perform oral sex on her, so it's pretty much just penetration which is not going to get her there. We have tried toys and it was awkward for us both. I haven't suggested it again because it would make her uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Seems your wife is very damaged and is in need of professional help.

This barbarian wouldn't give her a second glance.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When someone says their relationship—-emotionally, sexually, etc——/. Is “really complicated”…..
My first thought is that it’s not complicated at all, but someone isn’t accepting the obvious facts, things that greatly simplify the answer because the answer is too painful to accept.
Relationships, especially sexual, aren’t that complicated at all.

That’s why we see the same phrases being spoken over and over with the same problems.

OP,
Ask yourself some questions and see if you are capable of accepting answers you don’t want to hear.

Do you think your wife finds you attractive?
Hint: She won’t even let you touch her below the waist.

Do you think your wife loves you like you do her?
Hint: your wife for 20 years has ignored your requests for something important to any man. Is that love? Would you ignore her requests on something important to her? Have you?

Do you think your wife likes sex at all with you?
Do you think she likes it at all with anyone?

1 The answer could be that she doesn’t love you in a romantic way, and therefore isn’t interested in you sexually and doesn’t find you attractive.

2 Or it could be she doesn’t like sex and considers it a chore with anyone..

3Or she could be a cheater and getting her sexual needs met elsewhere.

4Or she simply has had a change in hormones or never had the right combo to make her want sex and therefore feels like #2.

I’ll bet it’s one of the 4, or a combo of 2.
But not complicated.


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