# Don't know what to do



## snowy13

A few weeks ago I learned my H cheated on me, the OW then told him she was pregnant. First she said she wasn't going to keep it. My H came to me and said he will do anything to fix this with me and told the OW he wants nothing to do with her or the baby. Now she said she's keeping it - we don't know if she's telling the truth or if it's even his... she's married too. We both feel like she is saying these things to try and keep my H in her life.

There is a lot my H and I have to figure out - I know I want to try to work things out but I don't think I can if there is a child involved. Just really confused and looking for thoughts. Thanks.


----------



## LonelyNLost

I'm guessing you don't have children together? Had he told her he was done cheating? Have you spoken to her husband? This is a big mess. Are you going to be able to get past this? Let's say there is no child involved and he says he's done cheating. Would you be able to live happily after that? How long did he cheat? How many times has this happened? Will it happen again? I would suggest you go get counseling, and decide where your heart is. I'm sorry you're going through this. Infidelity is such a heart stabber.


----------



## Tanelornpete

I'm sorry you are in this predicament! This is a great place to get advice, help and education...

You title your thread 'Don't know what to do'. First off, keep in mind that all anyone can do on here is offer things for you to consider. In the end, you must make that decision yourself. 

Your dilemma:



> ...I know I want to try to work things out but I don't think I can if there is a child involved....


In order to come to a decision, you have to sort through all the data involved - so, here are some questions to help:

Why does the existence of a child make a difference? 
What would the existence of this child mean to your marriage?
How would this problem be handled?
Is the child in any way to blame for the trouble?


----------



## snowy13

The child obviously is not to blame, however I know I am not ready for children and don't know how I can bring myself to raise someone elses. I know I love him and we have discussed counceling but I know there are so many things to consider.


----------



## snowy13

After some discussion with my H, I am having a hard time believing that this OW child's is his, the things she is telling him do not make sense or match the supposid timeline. I know I am having a great deal of trust in what he says, but he said it was just the one time and he messed up. She does not live near here and based on things I already knew I feel I can believe that. Am I fooling myself and just filled with wishful thinking?


----------



## Tanelornpete

> The child obviously is not to blame, however I know I am not ready for children and don't know how I can bring myself to raise someone elses. I know I love him and we have discussed counceling but I know there are so many things to consider.


It is highly unlikely that you would be 'raising' someone else's child - you aren't adopting this child, are you? Most likely the reality of the situation is that you will be paying some support for your husband's child. At the most, you'd see the child perhaps half of the time. A lot of people deal with this regularly. 

This is not an attempt to get you to choose one way or another - it is simply a pointing out of data to use to make a more informed decision.



> Am I fooling myself and just filled with wishful thinking?


Possibly, but there is also the possibility that the child IS his - it would do you much better to be prepared for this, and demand a paternity test as soon as possible.


----------



## michzz

Get a paternity test.


----------



## snowy13

I would not adopt this child, it's just coming to terms with the situation and if I feel I can handle it and be part of it. He has already told the OW he wants a paternity test and has talked things through with his dad about how to word documents involving custody pending the test. He also asked her to have the dr. send proof that she really is pregnant and how far along she really is. I know I need to be prepared if this is true, can't wish it away - but I'm still hoping in the back of my mind that she is just that awful of a person and playing a nasty trick. I know, a long shot and probably kidding myself. There's a lot I still need to sort out for myself.


----------



## the guy

Maybe it would help if you wrote down a plan so that it stops racing thru your head. Try writing an out line on a piece of paper on how and what you will do if the child is his. Then when you find out it is not his.. just throw it away. maybe an out line with different options to all the variables that would occure if the kid is his.

This way you can put the paper away and stay focused on repairing the marriage. 9 months is along time to have this issue running wild in your head. Just get a plan on paper and deal with it when the kid is born.

Just my $0.02


----------



## snowy13

I appreciate that - I like the idea of writing things out. 9 months is a long time as you said, the marriage is the most important thing, but I also don't know how to move forward yet with this hanging over my head as well.


----------



## snowy13

Need some more advice - I asked my H to stop all contact with the OW for a while so we can focus on us. I foind out last night he is constantly texting her and didn't tell me. He says it's because she has questions about things. I asked last week to tell her there will be no contact until he receives confirmation from a Dr. that one, she is actually pregnant, and two, the estimated time of conseption. I know it can't be exact but this woman is very hard to believe - her statements don't make sense and contradict at times.

Do I keep trying and see if he will really stop talking - he is clearly convinced this baby is his - even though she's married too, does not live near here, and clearly has made poor choices in the past since her other kids all have different fathers.

Now I'm just venting but I'm feeling lost and really don't feel I have anyone to turn to right now. His dad knows about the affair and baby and I want to talk with him, but i'm worried he'll just defend his son.


----------



## stillINshock

I would talk to anyone you trust and can get advice from. His actions went out of the marriage, your advice seeking can too. Mind you... it may not lead to a happy resolution for you personally. That he is still texting her constantly is VERY worrying. He's a bull****ter. Sorry. Trust yourself. Get whatever thoughts you need from anyone. Sounds to me like the notion that there is a pregnancy is keeping you softer on the fact that your H has completely killed your trust. You're focusing on everyone else. Guess what. Its your time for yourself. Don't rush yourself, take the time you need to think this through. But this will be with you the rest of your life in some way or another. I am so sorry you are in the situation. Good luck.


----------



## snowy13

Heart is racing right now - H just text me that the OW saw the dr and has results - he told her she need to have them send her proof that she truely is pregnant. I sitll don't believe it's his and I think she's feeding him lines just to convince him. She told him it was a boy... but according to her she just found out she was a few weeks along, how can you even know the gender yet! Now she's arguing with him that she wants to fax the results, why?

Sorry - more venting then anything. I am not a mother and don't have many friends who are yet, but I'm not dumb and some of the things she is saying do not fit - I feel like she is just stringing him along to try and keep him in her life even though he has told her whether or not this child is his she will never mean anything to him.


----------



## MayfairJaz

Hey Snowy,
I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles, Tanelornpete and the others are offering some truly sensible advice. 
You obviously love your H and it seems that he loves you too, that is such a relief to hear as it means that at least you have a starting point. 

The txt messaging does have to stop and that is something that your husband HAS to take control off. Please don't be fooled by your trust and love for him. If he genuinely wants to rebuild your marriage and trust he will cut her off no questions asked. 

I must say that my instincts tell me that she is playing him for a sucker and probably wants to see if she can get him to be financial support for her. Your correct about the "how can she know it's a boy already if it's just a few weeks" 

I must agree with some of what stillINshock says about what is best for you as a woman. Will it be easy to overcome this - no way but - Is it possible certainly. BUT please consider if you are in the right place with your husband - I know it's harsh especially knowing that you want to work things out.

The question of what the OW's H thinks about all this is burning in my thoughts, if she has told him surely he has a notion as to whether it's his child or not. (assuming that she is pregnant) 

It's not going to be easy whilst the doubt is still in your head about is your H still in contact with her. Seems that you may be quite young reading the posts, and relationships are for a lifetime if you get them right! If it IS worth the fight for him let him know that you guys have to do this together. 

Trust is everything in a marriage and though it's not impossible to get over this the 2 of you need to make that one thing (trust) a priority now...


----------



## snowy13

Thank you Mayfairjaz, and everyone else - I am so tempted to find the OW's H info and let him know what is going on. What lead to my H and this OW talking was she was reaching out to people saying her H is abusive. I have no idea if this is true and she told my H she was serving him divorce papers... again, no idea if this is true. But if it is, I could not live with myself if he did do something to her or her other children. I know I have a problem worrying about others before myself - just another thing I don't know what to do about.


----------



## jessi

snowy, 
welcome and sorry you find yourself here and in this mess.
first of all you have to tell the OW's husband, can you imagine not knowing what's happening to your life.........
he needs to know, there is a baby involved for pete's sake.
next if your husband is telling the truth about saving your marriage you two have to work as a team through this and all it entails and that starts with honesty........
he can't still be in contact with her, I don't care if she has questions, he has to tell her that he is not going to hurt you anymore.......
once that is established the two of you can sit down and put a plan together to save your marriage, this is first, the baby will come down the road and you have plently of time to figure how that will go..........
without the marriage nothing else matters........


----------



## snowy13

You are all right, the marriage comes first, it's just very hard not to think about the future if there is a baby. And I agree with who said the ow is probably just trying to use him for money, she was banking on me leaving, I don't think she expected him to tell her he wants to work it out with me and there's no chance for them. How do I go about telling her H? I know it'll come back and bite me in the you know what. I confronted her once and said just because you are in a bad marriage that doesn't give you the right to ruin someone elses. Then she went right to my H telling him I was saying all these mean things-thankfully he believed me over her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

So the OW has been fighting my H on sending him the proof that she really is pregnant - he told me he won't let himself think too strongly on this but is also hoping that she is lying to him. This was a little comforting. We actually had a civil conversation about all of this for the first time. I either get upset or change the subject when she comes up. As I said before, I don't have kids and not many friends who do... can you record the heartbeat on your cell phone? Is that something that can be done around 4 or 5 weeks and then easily play it to someone over the phone?


----------



## Affaircare

snowy13 said:


> So the OW has been fighting my H on sending him the proof that she really is pregnant..


That would be because she isn't pregnant, and if she IS pregnant, she is married and been having sex with her husband while she's been stringing your husband along!  GOOD LORD how stupid does she think he is? This is the only way she can keep her hooks in a man who isn't hers, so LOSE HER! 

I don't care if she DOES get a positive pregnancy test: #1--END ALL CONTACT WITH HER. Change cell phone numbers, get a new email address, and block her from everything. This is ridiculous. #2--Until you have medical proof positive that it is your husband's child VIA DNA PATERNITY TEST of amniotic fluid...don't believe it. Until you see that proof positive it is all :bsflag: and hot air in a desperate attempt to keep the affair alive. 



> ... can you record the heartbeat on your cell phone? Is that something that can be done around 4 or 5 weeks and then easily play it to someone over the phone?


Here is a direct link to an actual MEDICAL site that discusses pregnancy--and this is info about being 5 Weeks Pregnant. That is the OLDEST the baby would be, and please note that this medical site says: _"Your baby's microscopic heart begins to beat this week—although it won't be detectable with one of those cool Dopplers for a few weeks, so you'll have to wait a little longer to hear that satisfying "whoosh-whoosh" you're so anxious for."_ So no...the heart JUST began to beat so it would barely be developed!! You couldn't even detect it with a doppler machine, so you 100% DEFINITELY could not record the heartbeat on your cell phone nor could you hear it if you tried!!!!

See what I mean? It is a lie. (nod) She's lying to you both.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you affaircare - this just helps me reinforce my feelings. I am not trying to excuse anything my H did, he is still very wrong for his actions. I also know there is still a chance I will be wrong and she really is having this baby. As I continue to go over things in my head now that things have cleared a little and I am not in the immediate shock stage, I am starting to sort things out and realize more and more how it just doesn't make sense. Shortly after my H came home from work he said he wanted to let me know he did not hear anything from her today and has no intention of contacting her. It will take a long time to regain my trust in him and I truely hope he means this.


----------



## snowy13

Ok - I'm still having a very hard time with things and this whole baby thing is stressing me out. The OW called my H today (of course) and said she is having another ultrasound next week because they can't find the babies heartbeat. Wait... I thought she recorded it and played it for him?! Then she said she's starting to show and can feel the baby moving... based on the only time she was in town recently when the one night stand happened she would be about 8 weeks... you can't feel anything that soon right?


----------



## Jennie

Dear Snowy 13-

My instincts are screaming that she is manipulating your H (and you) and is using the "child" as an excuse to continue in a relationship with him.

Your H NEEDS to STOP taking her calls, emails, etc. He should send her an email or letter, return receipt requested (so he has documentation if it is ever needed), along the lines of:

"OW, I made a huge mistake being with you and do not want to ever see or hear from you again. I am dedicated to my wife, our marriage, and making it up to her. If you are pregnant, I will give you my attorney's contact information. He will expect a paternity test from a reputable lab (not a home test) and, if it turns out the child is mine, I will take financial responsibility for it to the extent the law requires. However, I do not want to have any sort of relationship with you (all communication will go through my attorney) and I do not want any sort of relationship with the child (other than financial). As you have been notified, I will consider any further communication from you as harrassment and will take the appropriate legal steps necessary to make you stop."

Better yet, he should have his attorney send the letter to let her know how serious he is about her never contacting him again.

Further to that, if the woman really is pregnant, she needs to be speaking with HER OWN husband and not yours.

Your H needs to change his phone number and avoid any places she may seek him out. If the affair happened at work, he needs to find a new job. Harsh? Yes, but as long as she can find him, she will keep after him.

You need to stop playing into her manipulations. The fact that she contacts him and then you stress and keep coming back for advice tells me that she is manipulating YOU through him. 

I know it is difficult to ignore her drama, but you need to, for your own sake. Her drama is not yours and as long as you allow her to control you, you are not healing.

Your husband needs to ignore her drama. It is what she wants - and, more importantly, when he is responding to her, he is not spending time on healing you. Do not let him continue to make her the focus. YOU need to be his focus.

I hope this helps - and I am sorry if this is too adamant from you. I speak from experience. Best to you.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> Ok - I'm still having a very hard time with things and this whole baby thing is stressing me out. The OW called my H today (of course) and said she is having another ultrasound next week because they can't find the babies heartbeat. Wait... I thought she recorded it and played it for him?! Then she said she's starting to show and can feel the baby moving... based on the only time she was in town recently when the one night stand happened she would be about 8 weeks... you can't feel anything that soon right?


No. In addition, unless she had an amnio, she wouldn't know if it's a boy or a girl. The earliest they can tell the sex from an ultrasound is 16 weeks and a lot of techs won't even bother trying to tell until 20. 

The earliest that a woman feels the baby is about 16 weeks as well. If she is pregnant and your husband is truthful, the baby is NOT his. 

I think Jennie's letter is perfect (unless he'd like to have contact with the child should it be his- that part could be changed). What's he going to do if she is miscarrying, comfort her? NO! She's lying and she's not very good at it.

ETA: Also notify her husband! I'd be willing to bet money he's not abusive. Quite frankly, it's not your problem if he is. I know that's not PC, but neither is her screwing your husband.


----------



## Affaircare

Jennie said:


> Dear Snowy 13-
> 
> My instincts are screaming that she is manipulating your H (and you) and is using the "child" as an excuse to continue in a relationship with him.
> 
> Your H NEEDS to STOP taking her calls, emails, etc. He should send her an email or letter, return receipt requested (so he has documentation if it is ever needed), along the lines of:
> 
> *"OW, I made a huge mistake being with you and do not want to ever see or hear from you again. I am dedicated to my wife, our marriage, and making it up to her. If you are pregnant, I will give you my attorney's contact information. He will expect a paternity test from a reputable lab (not a home test) and, if it turns out the child is mine, I will take financial responsibility for it to the extent the law requires. However, I do not want to have any sort of relationship with you (all communication will go through my attorney) and I do not want any sort of relationship with the child (other than financial). As you have been notified, I will consider any further communication from you as harrassment and will take the appropriate legal steps necessary to make you stop."​*
> *Better yet, he should have his attorney send the letter to let her know how serious he is about her never contacting him again*.
> 
> Further to that, if the woman really is pregnant, she needs to be speaking with HER OWN husband and not yours.
> 
> *Your H needs to change his phone number and avoid any places she may seek him out. If the affair happened at work, he needs to find a new job. * Harsh? Yes, but as long as she can find him, she will keep after him.
> 
> You need to stop playing into her manipulations. The fact that she contacts him and then you stress and keep coming back for advice tells me that she is manipulating YOU through him.
> 
> I know it is difficult to ignore her drama, but you need to, for your own sake. Her drama is not yours and as long as you allow her to control you, you are not healing.
> 
> Your husband needs to ignore her drama. It is what she wants - and, more importantly, when he is responding to her, he is not spending time on healing you. Do not let him continue to make her the focus. YOU need to be his focus.
> 
> I hope this helps - and I am sorry if this is too adamant from you. I speak from experience. Best to you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Do this!!


----------



## snowy13

Still do not believe that this baby is his, or that he is even pregnant - but on another note, he is still talking to her even after I have asked several times for him to stop. He says he wants to keep contact until he knows for sure because if he burns a bridge with her she won't keep him in the loop. What's wrong with that? I thought our marriage was supposed to be top priority right now. Then I find out he sent her a fb message last night and another girl he had deleted requested him to be a friend again and he accepted! His "new and better" behavior only lasted a short time, I don't feel like he's trying at all anymore, just doing enough so that I won't fight with him about things!


----------



## Eli-Zor

It is time for you to draw a line in the sand , without telling your husband visit a lawyer and understand what has to be done for a formal separation. Next give him the choice you, your marriage or her, he deletes his facebook account, changes his mobile number and ceases all contact , if she is pregnant her husband is legally the father unless he agrees otherwise. 

Set a date for a plan B ,your husband is playing you and is still in the affair , the preganacy is his excuse to carry on contact. If he was serious about you and your marriage he would be doing everything to restore your trust and rebuild the marriage.

Plan B is for you to recover and to protect you from your husband's antics. You must ensure your family and his know of the detail of the affair and his unwillingness to stop engaging with the OW and other woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

After some argument he did delete her from his fb and has agreed to stop contact with her. The OW got upset yesterday when she realized he deleted her and kept texting him. 1, she must be stalking his fb profile or how else would she know he deleted her, and 2, why is she holding on so hard? My H told her to leave him alone and then ended the conversation by asking where the dr's proof was that she said she sent over a week ago? She wouldn't respond...


----------



## SurprisedinME

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please listen to the excellent advice you have received. Draw a line. Be clear. Hold to what you want. Otherwise this will be a constant cycle of drama for you


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I feel like the drama never ends. The OW sent him a text this morning with a picture of a sonogram and a note saying "Is that good enough for you and her!!!!" He said he wanted information sent from the dr and she told him no. Now he's suddenly convinced this baby is his and she's sending him pictures every time she has an ultrasound! I know it's possible it's his and it's so hard not to think about it... I am having really mixed emotions tonight. I love him but also hate him for what he's putting me through.


----------



## Powerbane

Get a new phone number. That will stop the texts.

Has he written a No Contact letter that you will send?

Please keep records of all the stalking - you can probably use it to get a restraining order out against her at some point.


----------



## snowy13

He doesn't want to delete her number because he doesn't want to risk losing all contact - he thinks if this child is his she wouldn't tell him. I don't agree... she won't leave us alone! I'm getting frustrated, I don't get why he can't cut all ties! Also, can't they give an approx. due date and also how far along she is? She won't share any of that with him. Originally she said end of June, well if they slept together end of Nov. isn't that too soon?


----------



## tierzastarr

I have a one year old, so in my experience she's lying. First of all if she wont give you the sonogram then that's a red flag cuz in the right hand top corner it'll show the patients name. Maybe she got the picture of internet. Im gonna try to pm you my number so you can ask me some questions if you want.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you tierzastarr, her name is on it with the date as well but it's the fact that he asked for dr proof mailed to him and for how far along she is and she won't say.


----------



## tierzastarr

it should also say on the picture how far along she is. it should be on the left side and it'll look like this. 16w3d


----------



## mary35

Snowy13, 

Step back a minute and take a deep breath. You are focusing on the girl and her "story". What strikes me is your husband and his insistence that her story is true and his "need" to stay in contact because of the baby.

Why is he so easily swayed with this girl's tale? (And you are right - it is a tale that does not make a bit of sense) Why does he want to stay in contact so bad?

I think your focus is on the wrong person and the wrong problem! Start looking at you husband's behavior - it also doesn't make sense! He seems to want this to be true a little too much in my opinion.


----------



## snowy13

mary35 - that is something I have been thinking about too. He says the only thing he wants to focus on is our marriage and making things better with us, but I have not seen that. We have been together a very long time but only married almost 9 months. We always talk about kids and I said I know I am not ready yet - I feel like he is holding onto this idea that the baby is his because he wants a kid.


----------



## tierzastarr

Let your husband know that having a baby is not all fun and games. As a SAHM as soon as my H gets home I expect him to take the baby. That means no going out for him. Sometimes the baby gets sick and is crying all night. So my H sleeps on the couch because he works in construction and he still doesnt sleep.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> I feel like the drama never ends. The OW sent him a text this morning with a picture of a sonogram and a note saying "Is that good enough for you and her!!!!" He said he wanted information sent from the dr and she told him no. * Now he's suddenly convinced this baby is his and she's sending him pictures every time she has an ultrasound!* I know it's possible it's his and it's so hard not to think about it... I am having really mixed emotions tonight. I love him but also hate him for what he's putting me through.


What is wrong with the baby that she is having so many ultrasounds? It's typical to have one to date the pregnancy and another to check the anatomy (around 20 weeks). 

Even if she's not lying (I'd bet money she is), he doesn't need to speak to her. What good is going to come of that? 

Have you told her husband yet?


----------



## snowy13

I mis-spoke earlier - she told him she would send him pictures whenever she has an appointment. I don't know how to find the H or have it so that it is not traced back to me.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> I mis-spoke earlier - she told him she would send him pictures whenever she has an appointment. I don't know how to find the H or have it so that it is not traced back to me.


It's fairly easy to find someone. Think about the information that you know about her. Can you google her full name, phone number, work place, etc.? 

Why are you scared of them finding out that you've contacted him?


----------



## snowy13

I don't know why - I've said to my H several times that I think it's terrible the OW hasn't told her H. All he says is that she's divorcing him, he's abusive, and he would hit her in the stomach if he found out. But just another thing I don't fully believe, before the affair ever even happened they were texting (stupid me, I thought they were just friends) and she had said the end of the summer she was divorcing him.

I told my H about a week ago I was considering finding the H and telling him - he got mad about that and said I would be a terrible person for doing that. I'm worried how he would react if I really do go through with it.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Your husband is angry because he is still in the affair or in the fog of the affair. Start looking after yourself , do not believe a word your husband says about the OW's husband he more than likely said things about you to her. You have her name and her number , start looking for her husband and her addresses. I assure you your husband knows where she stays. Do not be intimidated by your husband he either complies and does everything to fix the marriage or he is in affair land. His action, words and deeds will tell you.

Find the OW 's husband and let him know , do not tell your husband as he is not protecting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> I don't know why - I've said to my H several times that I think it's terrible the OW hasn't told her H. All he says is that she's divorcing him, he's abusive, and he would hit her in the stomach if he found out. But just another thing I don't fully believe, before the affair ever even happened they were texting (stupid me, I thought they were just friends) and she had said the end of the summer she was divorcing him.
> 
> I told my H about a week ago I was considering finding the H and telling him - he got mad about that and said I would be a terrible person for doing that. I'm worried how he would react if I really do go through with it.


He's worried more about her than you. This woman is not truthful and he's blinded by that. 

With them talking and possibly bonding over their child together, you're at risk for losing your marriage. She is manipulating your husband and you are letting her win. SHE needs consequences or her behavior will not stop. 

Your husband will likely be angry at you for telling her husband. At least you're complicating their relationship. If they're allowed to go on like this I see no good coming of it.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you guys, I agree - he is more worried about her feelings then mine. I am going to give him one final chance to delete her completely and change our numbers. It may take me a day or two but I will also find the courage to track her H down and fill him in. I guess this will be a true test if he really wants to work things out with me based on how he reacts.


----------



## tamara24

First, I think your hubby is keeping contact cause he is thinking if he deletes all contact and the baby is his, what happens then? This is the woman's tactic of leading him on.

Second, I am a little confused on dates,but if she was five weeks, the baby would be so small. If she did send an ultrsound pic, go on the internet and see what a fetus looks like in five weeks and compare it to the picture. It should say on the ultrasound,her name and how many weeks along she is.

Third, if I were her husband, I would want to know if I might be possibly raising another man's child. The fact the she said he is abusive,then why has she stayed there all along with her other kids? When a person is in an affair, they lie about their spouse to justify their actions of having an affair. You can only be responsible for your actions. I think she said that to keep anyone from going to her hubby. Look what it has done to you,you ae doubting wether you should tell him. As far as your hubby's reaction,he is most likely concerned for the child after the lies she has fed him. You can tell the hubby what has been going on and the fat the she has mentioned he is abusive to her and if something happens to her that you and your hubby are witnesses to the abuse and since a child is involved,you would report it. A couple of things will happen if hubby is told. He might be able to tell you when his wife told him she was pregnant. He could also stop her from calling your husband. He might be abe to get you medical proof about the baby. By the way, at this stage she would have no idea if it is a boy or girl.your hubby might be furious,because of concern for the child.be prepared for this,but if it gave you some peace,I would say it would be worth it.

Get a lawyer and have him send a letter requesting information too. This will show her how serious your hubby is. More than likely her hubbywould know after this anyway. Even if your hubby has the best intentions of making your marraige work,he still will have all sorts of emotions about the child,how you two will explain it if it is his, the child's welfare while the mom is carrying it. 

Finally, I found it funny she said that just because your marraige was bad, you shouldn't ruin another marraige. Hello, she is a CHEATER. Her marraige can't be doing that great either! She DOESN'T want you to say anything as she is most likely telling hubby their family is being blessed with another of HIS kids. This could be bad news for her, so she wants you to keep quite. 

I am sorry you are going through this, but stand up for you and your marraige and don't let her control the situation with her lies!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Thank you Tamara24. The post about her being 5 weeks is not very recent anymore - the one night stand happened the end of Nov. so she would be about 9 weeks now? The picture does have her name but the left side is cut off so there is missing information. I agree with what people are saying more and more - she is saying things just to hold on to my H, i dont' know what kind of person her H is but I don't think he's abusive - mentally/emotionally maybe, which is still not ok, but I don't think 
physically.

The part about "just because you're in a bad marriage doesn't give you the right to ruin someone elses," I said that to her - all she said to me was sorry which I said means nothing. I just have to find the courage to find her H and fill him in.


----------



## WhereAmI

If you google ultrasound, I wonder how many pictures you'd have to go through before you found one of her "baby." Here's what a nine week old fetus looks like, btw: 

(image is clickable)


----------



## snowy13

I have the picture she sent - how do I post it?


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> I feel like the drama never ends. The OW sent him a text this morning with a picture of a sonogram and a note saying "Is that good enough for you and her!!!!" He said he wanted information sent from the dr and she told him no. _Now he's suddenly convinced this baby is his _and she's sending him pictures every time she has an ultrasound! I know it's possible it's his and it's so hard not to think about it... I am having really mixed emotions tonight. I love him but also hate him for what he's putting me through.


Well, that's just silly. She can get a sonogram from anyone. If it doesn't come from the doctor TO him, DON'T BELIEVE IT.


----------



## turnera

You really need a strong plan for the next 6 months: you have total access to his phone/computer whenever you ask, he writes that No Contact letter (I didn't see where he sent one), and both of you do some work on your marriage together with a counselor. If he's unwilling to do those things, then he is LYING to you and just found a better way to stay in touch with her.


----------



## snowy13

I understand what you're saying turnera, but the picture she sent had both her name and the date on it. I don't doubt that's she's pregnant, I just think she's farther along then she says she is so it wouldn't fit the time frame for when she slept with my H.


----------



## turnera

No reason not to still demand that it come from the doctor.

If it doesn't, it ISN'T his child. Act on that conviction. She has to prove it.


----------



## Figuring it out

I feel very sad that you are going through this. My first thought is that you are being manipulated by both your H and his mistress. You need to stand up for yourself and protect your interests here. The baby that you are so concerned about is not your problem. Sorry to sound harsh, but it's the truth.

I believe your H is keeping communication open with the OW because he is still in a relationship with her - one way or another. He has feelings for her and that affair is not over. That's what I see.

You need to realize that he is lying to you. The OW is lying to you (and him). And by not looking at the facts, you are lying to yourself. Stop trying to make the facts fit the way you think they should. When you don't have all the pieces, the puzzle will never be completed.

Good luck! I'll be thinking about you!


----------



## turnera

I personally think he never stopped cheating with her; he's just enjoying the double attention.


----------



## snowy13

I see where you're coming from by saying he never stopped, but I know there was never any other physical times (not to leave out anything they may have said to each other) because she lives several hours away and has not been back in town and he hasn't left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Nowadays, probably 75-85% of all affair contact takes place on phones and computers.


----------



## tamara24

Turnera is right. She need to provide proof from a doctor! Anybody can copy a pic of the internet and paste their name on it. Don't you find it strange the rest is cut off? She still would not know the sex of the baby at this point either. It usually is done at your 16 week check up to check on the baby's development.

She is stringing hubby along. The OW hubby should know and I bet he could provide the answers both of you need. The faster you tell him and send the letter from an attorney,you will find some peace. Hubby should not be talking/texting to her at all. She needs to prove by way of a doctor how far along she is before he has any contact with her. If he can't agree to that, you know the affair is not over. NO CONTACT. If and when she can prove the baby is his, then you both can decide how you want to handle it.

Personally, I think she is having fun watching both of you on this roller coaster ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

It's been a few days since I've been on, but my H to no contact with the OW. When we got home from work tonight he showed me that she was texting him again (we have not changed our numbers yet). She basically admitted she expected him to be with her, he told her that she will never be part of his life, even if the baby is his, she will just be "that other woman" to him. He also said he won't believe anything she says until he has dr proof and that he thought it was pretty interesting that she won't say how far along she is. She replied by saying 11w5d as of her appt last week. Then she said she has another one this week (um, what? Why so many?) He said to leave him alone and he won't believe it without proof. She brought up the ultrasound pic she sent and he asked why she cut off the info showing how far along she is. That was the end, she hasn't responded since!

My H was still pretty heated when he got home and for the first time I heard him really bad mouth her. I know he's struggling with this just as I am, and I think he's doubting her now too. I know he responded back to her, but I also thought it was a small step that he showed me the conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Sounds very promising!

Are you looking at ways to improve your marriage? Want some ideas?


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Sounds very promising!
> 
> Are you looking at ways to improve your marriage? Want some ideas?


Please, I will take all the advice I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Great! First, go get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it. It will explain a LOT about how marriages work and how to make them stay healthy. Check back in once you've read it, because the rest of my advice is based on knowing that book. 

I promise it's worth your time. Of all the books I've seen people talk about, this one book has made the biggest difference to the most people.


----------



## snowy13

For the first time in a very long time we have a weekend filled with plans together. Last night we went out with coworkers of mine, none of them know what's going on, and we had a good time. Tonight we went out with some of his friends. His best friend has been very supportive, upset with my H but encouraging us to work it out. However other people there were very obviously ignoring us and giving us the cold shoulder. I kind of feel bad for my H but he also brought this on himself, but it was very uncomfortable for me too. I didn't do anything yet I felt like I might as well have. It brought back a lot of emotions and has over all been a rough night. I am really hoping tomorrow is better. We have plans with mutual friends and some know - I am just really nervous. I already have a self-esteem issue, I am always worrying what other people think, and this is not helping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I have a book for YOU to read, then, just for your own benefit. It's called Healing The Shame That Binds You, by Bradshaw. I too, spend most of my time worrying about what people think. I have trouble going into a store if there are no other customers, because I don't want the owner to look at me and wonder if I'm going to buy anything.

This book talks about those of us with low self esteem, and explains how we got it, how to fix it. It has made a HUGE difference for me.

In the short term, what helped me deal with people 'judging' me is that I realized that people who do that...are in worse shape than me. If they weren't, they'd be filled with compassion, not derision, because they'd be in a better place. I felt sorry for the kids who made fun of my cheap clothes in high school. I felt sorry for my stepmother, who practically ruined my life, by knowing that she is in much worse pain than me, and wakes up miserable every day; at least I have hope for being happy.


----------



## snowy13

Small update, Sunday went a lot better-granted majority of people didn't know. The ow contaced my H again saying the baby has an irregular heartbeat, he just told her I don't know what you want me to say, just take care of yourself. I'm trying not to get frustrated about this, it's not going to get me anywhere, it's more annoying that she keep "updating" him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

He can block her number. Or have it sent over to YOUR phone.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> Small update, Sunday went a lot better-granted majority of people didn't know. The ow contaced my H again saying the baby has an irregular heartbeat, he just told her I don't know what you want me to say, just take care of yourself. I'm trying not to get frustrated about this, it's not going to get me anywhere, it's more annoying that she keep "updating" him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With him not responding (at least in the manner that she's hoping for), I expect that more issues with the "baby" will arise. Have you informed her husband yet? 

I agree with blocking her number.


----------



## snowy13

That's a good point, she will probably come up with more and more reasons to stay in touch. I had a very uncomfortable dream the other night that we were expecting... if we are going to make it has this ruined the already very scared and unsure feelings I have had about having children? The idea of children seems almost funny to even think about since we have not slept together since I found out... I can't seem to get past the images in my head. Has anyone else felt like this?


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> That's a good point, she will probably come up with more and more reasons to stay in touch.


So what are you going to do about it?


----------



## snowy13

My H has said do not contact me - if she continues then we will block her and change numbers.


----------



## snowy13

What is wrong with me - I go through what I am going to say to the OW's H but just cannot bring myself to go through with it. Honestly I don't know why I am even posting because aside from someone saying, "give me his info I'll do it," I don't know what would even help. I'm just having a bad couple days. Things have been good with my H but I just can't get her out of my head!


----------



## twotimeloser

I want to make it perfectly clear that this is not advice on how to deal with the emotional ordeal you are facing, only the situation itself.

worse case scenario, she claims him as the father, you guys pay child support, and deal with lots of akwardness.

Best case scenario: she lies to her current husband and the affair is what is...

Either way, there is no reason for H to contact her until the baby is born.

Court is the place to deal with the worse case scenario. Because no matter how you deal with it emotionally, the legal outcome will be the same.

I bet if he cuts her off completly, she will realize that she has lost him, she is pregnant, and loosing her current hubby would be the nightmare scenario she has been dreading.

She couldnt be stupid enough to be pregnant, and lose both men... I would place my bet there.

At this point, a harty hand shake and " lets see what happens" is in order.


----------



## snowy13

I guess I'm not understanding - are you suggesting just forget her and move on, don't make any contact?


----------



## turnera

WHY can't you contact him?


----------



## snowy13

I'm guess I'm afraid of what the outcome may be. Things have been good with my H and I... I know we have a long way to go and I don't think he has feelings for her - but I know if I say something she'll run to him. He will be mad that I said something, but he was also mad I told his Dad, but understood my reasoning. To clarify - I did not tell his dad. I was there but his cousin did the talking - I couldn't do it.


----------



## turnera

No offense, but you're showing a lot of 'weak' thinking and acting. Acting out of fear, instead of being mad, as you should be. Thinking of what you EXPECT him to do and keeping yourself from doing the right thing because of it.

If he gets mad, let him. HE caused it, not you. You should be mad and making him prove himself to you, not the other way around.

fwiw, I'd be rich if I had a nickel for every betrayed spouse who has said "she'll/he'll run to him/her" if I tell/obstruct/get mad. From what I've seen over the last 5-10 years is...no, it won't make them run to each other. Sometimes yes, but it rarely sticks and, if it does, you don't really have a marriage anyway, do you?


----------



## turnera

You say you don't know what would help, but we are here TELLING you what would help.

No one is going to come in and rescue you, snowy. This is on your shoulders unfortunately, and it sucks, but you have to deal with it. Show the integrity that I know you have; fight for yourself.


----------



## dazed25

Snowy: you have posted on my blog because my situation is the same. I have all the same feelings you do. I think we don't tell the OW's H because we don't want for that H to leave the OW. It gives us a sense of the OW going away. I also didn't tell the OW's H because here in CA wither or not a PT proves my husband is the father of her baby, legally because OW is married her H is responsible. I know its not that baby's fault but in my situation I have 3 kids and I feel I have to protect them. And as long as OW's H is with her then in my eyes he is that baby's father and I'm trying to forget about it and work on our marriage. It may not be right but nether is the whole situation so I decided to put me and my family first. Everything has been good so far until Monday I find out the OW decided to apply to his current workplace and now works as a temp(they were coworkers b4 and their company moved). My H has been going to counseling and told me as soon as he found out bout her working there he has reassured me that he will not jeopardize our marriage again and what we have been working on. He says she's on a total different shift with different break/lunch times, and different department still I thought she was gone cuz we haven't had any contact with her in 2 months and now this. I don't know how to feel but I gotta stay strong and not let her get to me. I hope everything works out for you, please remember women can be very evil and she won't go away unless you put your foot down!I'm here for you I know exactly what your feeling!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## twotimeloser

snowy13 said:


> I guess I'm not understanding - are you suggesting just forget her and move on, don't make any contact?


That is exactly what I am saying.

You and Hubby are doing good, why add more drama to the mix. Remember the serenity prayer? Accept the things you cannot change... and this situation is completly out of our control. She is going to make whatever choice she makes and regardless of that outcome, you and hubby will be working on your marriage. Why stress it? Give it to God, ya know? 

IF there was even a chance you had any real control over the situation, Ide advise otherwise. But you do not. so focus on hubby and let the cards fall where they will with her. 

The only possible outcomes here deal with Child Support and Paternal responsibility. No matter what you do, you arent going to change the Child Support payment, and no matter what you do, You arent going to change the parental responsibility.

The best thing she can do for the kid, is keep her own marriage togather, and frankly that does not involve your husband participating. 

There is the moral delima of paternal responsibility, but if she raises this child with her husband ( she obviously wont be raising it with yours) then the ends justifies the means.

Let this issue take its own course. if you do nothing, the worst thing thats going to happen is you pay support. If you irritate it, there will be support, plus drama.


----------



## snowy13

dazed and twotime... thank you for your thoughts. I think what dazed said about not contacting the OW H for fear of him leaving her is what is in the back of my mind. I never came to that conclusion until you said it. I think I am partly afraid to say anything because I don't want to open yet another door and way for her to try and continue coming after my H.

We have learned that while she was in town the same weekend she slept with my H, she also slept with another man! Wow - that's all I can really say. My H was pissed - not that she slept with someone else, but that she told him she had no doubt it was his. I am going to reread all of the advice on this thread and really try harder to worry about my marriage - that is the most important thing right now. We have not been back to counceling due to a move and a family health emergency. Now that things have calmed down we both agree starting up again can only be beneficial to us.


----------



## snowy13

Am I wrong to go behind my husbands back and block the OWs number without telling him? It needs to be done but I feel like by doing so I'm stooping down to his behavior and actions.


----------



## dazed25

snowy13 said:


> Am I wrong to go behind my husbands back and block the OWs number without telling him? It needs to be done but I feel like by doing so I'm stooping down to his behavior and actions.


Snowy just read your post and do I think your wrong NO I did the same thing, of course I didn't tell him! I actually feel I don't need too! If he really wants to talk to her they will find a way! Just like they managed to find a way to cheat. If they have to go through all that trouble so they can talk after you blocked her number (I blocked everything #,email,fone email add.)then maybe you need to rethink things! He should not have to do that, he shouldn't be mad either that you blocked it "your his wife"!!! Let her have to work for it do it legally! Let her go and file for paternity and do it through court, she probably won't cuz she's married! Until then work and focus on your marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Block her from HIS phone? What good do you think that will do?

That is passive aggressive, a replacement for real action, done out of fear. Does no good, only delays the inevitable. And makes you look bad.


----------



## snowy13

Turnera, I'm sorry but I didn't understand what you were saying, could you explain a little more?

Dazed, I was thinking the same about her possibly not going through the legal process because she is married, but at least if her number is blocked then she can't contact him any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Well, she IS a real problem, right? What happens if you block her number from his phone? She will (may) HUNT HIM DOWN and tell him that she can no longer call him. Guess who he'll figure out caused that? Guess how that will make you look?

If you want her out of your life, do it the right way, the upfront way. He said that he would block her 'if she calls again.' You're uncomfortable with that, obviously, and with good reason. But you're not speaking the truth. You're letting dishonesty creep back into your marriage out of fear of his response. That's what got you guys in hot water in the first place.

Just be honest with him. Tell him it still shatters you, and that you still fear her showing up, and that you need him to protect you from this by HIM blocking the number on his phone.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you turnera, you make a good point about bringing dishonesty back into the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I feel like such an idiot! I felt like things were going better then major steps backwards! I saw texts on our cell bill between my h and the ow... I told him I was tired of his lying and broken promises and wasn't coming home that night. He told me she wouldn't leave him alone and that he was trying to get through to her that he just wants to move on with his life. I told him he can tell me whatever he wants but how can I ever believe it. I said I needed to see the conversation before even considering coming home. Well... of course he said he deleted them! I stopped talking at that point and didn't receive any thing from him (I was not home at this point, our conversation ended by texting).

The next morning while on my way to work I got a call from him - I started to smile thinking he was calling to apologize and talk. No - he had been in a car accident! He's fine but the conversation has not been brought up again.

Tonight I was thinking about it again and there were some texts between the two of them. She said she was surprised he would talk to her, he asked why, and she said because of me. His answer was that he wasn't worried about it.

I feel like everything is falling apart, first my marriage, family in the hospital, possibly losing my job because of budget cuts... the one person I thought I could count on I can't even turn to any more.


----------



## tierzastarr

Hi snowy, 
I just read your message and then saw that you're on here so I decided to reply this way.
Your H saying that he is not worried is just plain disrespectful to you. This is the time to tell her H. He hasn't done NC, so what are his consequences. He obviously doesn't believe you're going to do anything. So you've got to show him that you will.
I'm so sad for you


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> She said she was surprised he would talk to her, he asked why, and she said because of me. His answer was that he wasn't worried about it.


Well, now you know he's been lying to you. Maybe you need to consider kicking him out and protecting yourself legally and financially before baby comes along.


----------



## turnera

Does her husband know?


----------



## snowy13

A quick update - since my last post my H and I had a huge blow out fight. There were some tense days but things have improved. We had some positive conversations and I am feeling like things are slowly moving in the right direction. There has been no contact with the OW and her information is gone. I told my H that I found the OW Hs online. She had posts that were definitly not something an abused ex-wife would say to her ex. He was caught off guard but seemed see where I had been coming from about her lies.


----------



## turnera

Good to hear. Work on complete honesty without fear of recrimination. And work on the Love Buster questionnaire.


----------



## snowy13

What is the love buster questionnaire?


----------



## turnera

If you go to marriagebuilders.com you can find the Love Buster questionnaire and the Emotional Needs questionnaire. And an explanation of why they work.

It's like a 'love bucket' - if you LB your spouse, you make them unhappy. Like my husband leaves his dirty Qtips all over the house. Each time I see one, I'm a little bit more unhappy with him, because he knows I hate it and he does it anyway. That's an LB that he does to ME. LBs poke holes in your love bucket.

Anyway, you can meet as many Emotional Needs as you can, but if you are still LBing your partner, you're poking those holes, and the ENs (the good things) just flow right out of the holes - no matter how great you are, those LBs get in your way.


----------



## ladyybyrd

ok for one, you can get ultrasound pictures off the internet. The other woman is playing both of you. She will not get proof from a dr and all it is is a piece of paper with her name, and estimated due date and the last day of her period.

Your husband need to stop talking to her period. Chance are she is not pregnant or she is pregnant with someone else's baby, but i am guessing it is a bunch of crap.

You should tell your H to stop taking to her, change numbers, email everything. If he doesn't then leave. I know it is easier said then done, but how will things move on unless you put your foot down.


----------



## snowy13

I am fed up! No more hiding or being a chicken - I am contacting the OW H, or ex H, who knows anymore. She contacted my H yet again saying her ex has been contacting me. Um, wrong, I have never received anything from him. I am so tired of her doing everything she can to try and hold on to my H! But I'm going to take a step back and think through what I should say and not just send him something in an angry rage. I know there have been suggestions before but I am looking for some direction on what to day. How detailed do I get - do I just touch the surface of it or lay it all out there?


----------



## turnera

Just calmly and politely inform her H, her family, and anyone else who will listen what she's been doing and ask them to help you save your marriage by talking to her.


----------



## snowy13

The only person I have found is her H, but I know it's a start.


----------



## snowy13

Would anyone be willing to read what I am planning to send to the H if I sent it to you as a private message?


----------



## Jellybeans

^ Ya. Go for it.


----------



## snowy13

I still believe (and pray) that she is lying. However there have been some recent things happening that are making it harder for me to hold on to that. This is a large reason I am trying to get over my fear and contact the H. I did find him on facebook and he is no longer listed as married and even posted something about "any single ladies out there?"


----------



## honeybum

i am in a very similar situation, although the OW has only said shes pregnant after my H ended it with her. She says shes booked in for a termination but not to tell me anything. Her exact words were "bury this". but he told me everything and whilst my world as i knew it is falling apart i cant helpthinking that she is lying also. there are many things that dont add up, they only had sex 2 times 4 weeks ago and has known she was pregnant for over a week! Also my H and i have been trying for a second bby for 2 years with no sucess and i have just been given the all clear from fert doc. I really hope it isnt true, its the worst possible situation to be in. Thank god i found someone on herethats going through it too.


----------



## snowy13

honeybum - I'm sorry to hear you are going through this as well. I agree, this is such a terrible thing to go to, but if there is a silver lining, there is someone else in a similar situation, as you said, which to me is helpful because they can understand more. Feel free to private message me any time if you want to talk. I am also trying to figure out how true this really is - I know anything is possible, but they had a one night stand - I know it can only take one time, but what are the chances?


----------



## snowy13

Update - I finally found the courage to contact the OW's H, but when I went to send a message to him there was one there from a few days ago from him? Feeling kind of dumb, I never saw it. I did reply with questions so we'll see what he answers. His original was very brief but the one thing that stood out was that he said she was 5 months along... I know time can never be 100%, but if the slept together the end of Nov. that wouldn't be 5 yet, am I correct?


----------



## paramore

Let's say they slept together Nov 30, she would have found out she was pregnant her next cycle, so end of Dec, early Jan, so yeah, From the end of Nov to end of March is only 4 months...methinks the lady got pregnant by her husband, and is pulling your husbands chain.


----------



## snowy13

That is my thought too. I know the day they slept together because he told me he was out with the guys and I found out a week later she was in town and she even posted a picture of the two of them at a party! I'm hoping to get some clearer answers from the H.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> That is my thought too. I know the day they slept together because he told me he was out with the guys and I found out a week later she was in town and she even posted a picture of the two of them at a party! I'm hoping to get some clearer answers from the H.


What date was it? Her due date should be mid to late August if she conceived in November. Although, if she had her pregnancy dated by ultrasound or from her last menstrual period the dates could be off by a couple of weeks. Ask her H if he knows the due date and/or how many weeks along she is.

Pregnancy Due Date Calculator | Tools | BabyCenter

You're positive that this is her H you're talking to, and not her pretending to be him, correct?


----------



## snowy13

Nov. 20th she was here. No I'm not positive - that was the first thing that came to mind. I would not be surprised at all if it was her. I don't know how to find out if it's really him or not.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> Nov. 20th she was here. No I'm not positive - that was the first thing that came to mind. I would not be surprised at all if it was her. I don't know how to find out if it's really him or not.


If we're going by conception, the due date would be August 13th. If her due date is in August I think you should have your husband request a paternity test.

Could you have a brief phone conversation with him? This woman seems way off her rocker, so it's in your best interest to verify who you're speaking with. You planned on contacting him yourself, correct? Is he contacting you through the phone number you planned to call?


----------



## snowy13

WhereAmI said:


> If we're going by conception, the due date would be August 13th. If her due date is in August I think you should have your husband request a paternity test.
> 
> Could you have a brief phone conversation with him? This woman seems way off her rocker, so it's in your best interest to verify who you're speaking with. You planned on contacting him yourself, correct? Is he contacting you through the phone number you planned to call?


I don't have a phone number, the only way I know to contact him is through his facebook.


----------



## paramore

do you have access to a cell number? sometimes you can do find cell numbers but you have to pay for it.


----------



## snowy13

paramore said:


> do you have access to a cell number? sometimes you can do find cell numbers but you have to pay for it.


Not that I have been able to find.


----------



## paramore

I know there is a way you can look up a name, and I believe you can gain access to their cell number/social internet contacts, I will look tomorrow for some of the sites, and I will post the link. I wonder if you could request via lawyer access to her medical records as possible father of this baby.


----------



## snowy13

Thanks


----------



## Runs like Dog

He cheats on you, bangs a girl and doesn't use any birth control? That is screwed up divided by zero. Kick both their trailer trash lives out of yours.


----------



## snowy13

I had a response from the OW's H this morning and he only answered one of my questions. So I replied with more detail and few more clarifying questions - he just responded again with a three word answer basically saying the same thing. Is it dumb that this is frustrating me - he won't respond to the information about his W constantly contacting my H. He stated twice how far along she is - well the time he gave me does not match up with when my H slept with her. Do I continue asking questions?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

snowy13 said:


> I had a response from the OW's H this morning and he only answered one of my questions. So I replied with more detail and few more clarifying questions - he just responded again with a three word answer basically saying the same thing. Is it dumb that this is frustrating me - he won't respond to the information about his W constantly contacting my H. He stated twice how far along she is - well the time he gave me does not match up with when my H slept with her. Do I continue asking questions?


No. She needs to be out of your lives forever. She is lying and manipulating the situation. 

1. She isn't pregnant and if she is, your husband isn't the father.
2. Abused women who are so afraid of their violent husbands don't go out and screw anything that moves. They all play that card in an effort to garner sympathy from a KISA. 
3. A sonogram at 5 weeks doesn't happen. Hell most women don't even know they are pregnant at 5 weeks. It happens at the 4 month period. Multiple sonograms at this point doesn't happen. Multiple sonograms would happen towards the end of the pregnancy to make sure everything is okay and that is in the case of a high risk pregnancy.
4. The sex of the baby is IMPOSSIBLE to know at 5 weeks and sometimes it is difficult to surmise at 4 months if the fetus is in an odd position.
5. Of course she said it is a boy. Most men love the idea of playing "catch" with their sons. She knows this. 
6. Many OW's after being tossed under the bus concoct the pregnancy lie. It's pretty textbook. She is hoping his guilt makes him leave you so she can have him.
7. He needs to stop talking to her and be a proper husband. His actions are allowing this $hitstorm to continue and furthers her manipulation of him. HIM, not YOU needs to block her on FB, cell phone, SMS, etc. HE needs to change it all. That will send a clear message to this hussy that she is no longer an innerloper in your marriage. 
8. A songram picture can be faked, big time. Plenty available online and she can crop and insert her name, date, timestamp, etc. If she was in fact pregnant, she would have no problem having the doctor send the photo. 
9. Of COURSE the "baby" has a heart problem. She needs him to believe this so he will stay in contact with her and not look like a jerk. She is playing in to this. Nevermind that you cannot know about organ problems at that stage. She wants him to feel sorry for her.
10. She is going to get more desperate. She wants him, badly. She will start to do other things to try and get him. Protect yourself legally with a restraining order.
11. Your husband has zero business contacting this psycho. None. She isn't his problem. He needs to have a lawyer send a no contact letter like yesterday. 
12. Once she realizes that she is literally and metaphorically screwed, she will have a "miscarriage". Also textbook. 

These women are a dime a dozen. The situation you have spelled out is the same I have read on countless forums. In the end it turns out they were never pregnant or the baby was not his.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Wanted to add that if you haven't gotten tested for STD's, do it. He had unprotected sex with a woman who has slept with multiple people. If she had unprotected sex with him, she has had it with others. Protect yourself. 
He needs to be tested as well. Like yesterday.
Also wanted to add that I know you are in shock over this entire situation. Your husband's continued contact with this woman is wrong. The onus isn't on you to rid your lives of this parasite. It is on HIM and only HIM. He brought this bunny boiler into your lives and the only way you two can heal and possibly move on is for him to man the hell up and value his marriage over this piece. If he cannot, draw your line in the sand. Continued contact = what? Only you can decide that one.
Serious hugs to you. You sound lost, very understandable but you did find this website. Lots of good people here who can help you.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you Brennan - I am very lost. I love him so much and we have been together for a long time - but I can't stop thinking about it. If this child really is his how can I be expected to stay with him. He doesn't seem to understand that. He keeps saying I won't have to, I won't ever have to even see the child. But that doesn't matter! It's still part of our life whether or not I see the child or not. I never pictured my life this way - we were together 10 years before getting married and we're just now coming up on our one year anniversary - this isn't how a marriage is supposed to be!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

snowy13 said:


> Thank you Brennan - I am very lost. I love him so much and we have been together for a long time - but I can't stop thinking about it. If this child really is his how can I be expected to stay with him. He doesn't seem to understand that. He keeps saying I won't have to, I won't ever have to even see the child. But that doesn't matter! It's still part of our life whether or not I see the child or not. I never pictured my life this way - we were together 10 years before getting married and we're just now coming up on our one year anniversary - this isn't how a marriage is supposed to be!


Yes, you are lost but find your roadmap! Nothing and I mean nothing in this situation sounds right. She is a textbook OW and is playing him like a violin. I mean come on! She gets dumped, sudden pregnancy story, fetus is a boy, fetus has health problems, she is "abused" by her husband, sleeps with ANOTHER man during her trip, constant texts to your husband, won't have doctor send sonogram pics, random contact with your husband AGAIN, more sonograms that would not be medically necessary. She is a liar and a manipulator. Nevermind what she really is.
Your husband needs to decide if his marriage is more important or the manipulative actions of this harlot are more important. 
Your roadmap is YOUR line in the sand. Follow it. Is it okay with you that he continues contact with her? Is it okay that he puts her feelings above yours? Is it okay that he lies about texting her? Why is he engaging with this nutjob, why? If she IS really pregnant then he should ignore her during the pregnancy and find out if he is the father through DNA. He has zero obligation to her until the paternity of the baby is found out. Zero. 
Again, draw your line in the sand. Continued contact with her nets him moving out, locks changed, crap in a Hefty bag and a visit to a lawyer. That would be me. You sound very good natured but right now is the time to get tough. Do NOT allow this parasite to further impede on your marriage. Do NOT allow your husband to excuse his disgusting behavior under the guise of he might think this child is his. It isn't, trust me. She isn't even pregnant and if she is, the timeline doesn't fit and this is from a Mom of two kids who had very wacky pregnancies.


----------



## snowy13

The OWs H has said twice how far along she is so I asked what the due date is and he says no clue. Based on the timing she is a month too far for it to be my Hs. Am I out of line to point that out to the H? Suggest he find out who else she has been with because she's too far along.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

snowy13 said:


> The OWs H has said twice how far along she is so I asked what the due date is and he says no clue. Based on the timing she is a month too far for it to be my Hs. Am I out of line to point that out to the H? Suggest he find out who else she has been with because she's too far along.


Have you actually spoken to this husband or just FB'd? She is supposedly pregnant and he doesn't know how far along she is? Suspicious. It sounds to me like you are talking to the OW and she cannot hammer down a timeline. As for you being out of line telling your husband, yes. It is up to HIM to figure out that this woman is a liar, manipulator, cheater and all around worthless piece of garbage. It isn't your job to help him figure that out. HE needs to own it. This is his doing.


----------



## snowy13

I have only FB'd, I have no other contact information. I mean pointing out to the OW's H that according to her timeline she is too far along for it to be my H child. My H has stopped contact but has not blocked her. He won't respond to any calls or texts and that's another reason I think this may be her, just another way to try and get him to respond.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

snowy13 said:


> I have only FB'd, I have no other contact information. I mean pointing out to the OW's H that according to her timeline she is too far along for it to be my H child. My H has stopped contact but has not blocked her. He won't respond to any calls or texts and that's another reason I think this may be her, just another way to try and get him to respond.


It is her. Stop all contact with this person. Your husband needs to stop all contact with her as well. She needs to be blocked. If he is unwilling to do this, that is another boundary issue you need to enforce. What will YOU do if he does not? It isn't about him, it is about you. Your line in the sand.
Again, giant hugs. My dear friend went through this and felt like you. Powerless. You have more power than you ever thought possible. The power to control your own actions and your own responses. YOU get to decide if you want to stay with a man who puts other peoples feelings before yours. His actions do speak volumes to me. I am not suggesting leaving at all, I am however saying that after this enormous betrayal, he needs to man up and hold himself accountable for what he has done. Having you shoulder the burden and telling him bits and pieces so he discontinues contact with her is not on you. It is on him. If he cannot figure this out on his own, get rid of him.


----------



## Jellybeans

Why hasn't your husband blocked her?????

No contact means NO contact.


----------



## twotimeloser

snowy13 said:


> The OWs H has said twice how far along she is so I asked what the due date is and he says no clue. Based on the timing she is a month too far for it to be my Hs. Am I out of line to point that out to the H? Suggest he find out who else she has been with because she's too far along.


My question is this..

What is to stop her from tacking on some time to the due date or even lying to the doctor abouther last cycle? 

I mean that is the perfect crime. if the baby is born 3-4 weeks early, then technically it could be on the REAL due date or up to a week late. The dute date is not a "written in stone" day of birth, it could be 3-4 weeks early or a week late and still be perfectly healthy. all my kids were born 2-4 weeks early. And we arent talking one person.. we are talking wife#1 and Wife #2 both.

I would have her husband ask the doctor if the baby looks like it it is developing on schedule, or ahead of schedule.


----------



## paramore

sadly enough twotime....endgame...dna test.


----------



## snowy13

It's sad to think that there are people out there who would deceive people this way. I am not making excuses for my H by any means - what he did was terrible. But if the OW really is pulling this crap, then she is just a all around bad person.


----------



## Runs like Dog

To me it's just amazing that people would spend this kind of effort being so awful. It's like the guy who spent YEARS perfecting the perfect counterfeit casino chip. Use your powers for good not evil.


----------



## snowy13

I know it - people waste so much of their energy trying to get out of things or deceive people when all that time and effort could be put towards something positive.


----------



## Again71

Snowy- you need to cut contact via FB! I would ask for his number, block your number and call him. Don't give him your number because if it is her posing as her hubby, now she has your number and she will harass you! Don't say what time you will call, just call randomly. You need to do this! This is the oldest trick in the book- people pretending to be someone else on the internet! 

Sorry you are going through this. Please keep us posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Again71 said:


> Snowy- you need to cut contact via FB! I would ask for his number, block your number and call him. Don't give him your number because if it is her posing as her hubby, now she has your number and she will harass you! Don't say what time you will call, just call randomly. You need to do this! This is the oldest trick in the book- people pretending to be someone else on the internet!
> 
> Sorry you are going through this. Please keep us posted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am waiting on a response from him so I can try and call him - thanks for the idea to block my number, didn't think about that. I'll be anything it's her - my H text me about an hour ago saying she just told him i talked to her H. I was expecting her to go right to him. She's making me out to be the bad guy and that I said all this stuff - when my H gets home from work he can see everything I sent - I have nothing to hide.


----------



## turnera

Make sure you make this conversation with your husband your line in the sand - either he blocks her permanently or he leaves.

I know you don't want to, but the fact is, if you don't, he is being told BY YOU that it's ok to cheat because you're so desperate to keep him that you'll allow him to do what he wants.

Where would you be in another 5 years?


----------



## snowy13

My H just asked if I can show him how to block her because he's tired of all this. I hope he means it. I want to just go off on this woman but I know I can't and it's exactly what she wants me to do.


----------



## paramore

It's good that he asked that, maybe have a lawyer draw up a letter saying that there will be no contact until this "baby" is born? Then and only then can she can call, perhaps via lawyer to let you know the baby has been born, and then get a dna test?


----------



## turnera

Wow, that is GREAT news! Good for you for showing him the way.


----------



## snowy13

A little frustrated, and curious. There has been no answer from the OW's H. Either it was all her sending the messages, or ? Would it be a mistake to send something again, or that is just what she wants.


----------



## paramore

If there hasn't been answers, maybe it could have been her, but it could be he's just dealing with his marriage, and her and hasn't thought to get back to you, I'd let it lie personally.


----------



## snowy13

Ok - yet another topic/question. My H has always been into porn, even before we were married. It goes up and down in how often he would watch it, but he would always hide what he was doing. Since the affair I told him I would not sleep with him until he gets tested. He is always in the bathroom now for long periods of time, I found his Ipod touch in the cabinet a few weeks ago. I didn't think too much of it until the bathroom time continued. I finally looked at it and it's filled with porn sites! I've talked with him about it in the past, I'm not thrilled that he watches it, but won't make a big thing - but that was when it was occasional. Do we have yet another problem here?


----------



## turnera

Yep


----------



## turnera

He's choosing that over being intimate with you.

Why won't he get tested?


----------



## snowy13

He has an appt set with his dr.


----------



## turnera

Well, in the meantime, find ways to satisfy each other without intercourse. I'm sure you can both think of something, to please the other person.


----------



## snowy13

Yet another devastating realization... I found a sex toy wrapped up in a pair of pants in my H drawer. He is obsessed with porn. Could it be possible he has an addiction? This is just getting to be too much, I don't know how to approach any of this anymore.


----------



## turnera

Why not just be honest? SHOW it to him and ask him to explain. If he won't, kick him out.


----------



## snowy13

I know honesty and confronting him sounds like the best way, but I know he won't even acknowledge what I found, he'll just get mad and say I was snooping through his things. Well it wouldn't be such a big deal if he didn't keep hiding things!


----------



## turnera

If he says you were snooping...SO [email protected]!

Until you can say that, he will continue to RULE YOU.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> If he says you were snooping...SO [email protected]!
> 
> Until you can say that, he will continue to RULE YOU.


True, thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honeybum

was it a sex toy for a man or woman? is it new? my H also looks at porn, sometimes we do it together, and has loads on his phone but i know about it. not that he tells me everytime he looks at it, but he doesnt hide it. ask him and see what he says. say you were looking for something and just came across it


----------



## snowy13

It's for a man. As much as it grosses me out at least I know it's not something he's using with someone else. I told him last night that it's not that he looks at it, but how much and how often does. He threw out all his dvds as well as shirt he was wearing the night he slept with her. (I asked him to do this months ago). He blew over the fact that I found the toy and didn't throw it out. Things have been tense the last several days but before he left for work I told him I don't want to fight but we do need to talk about things and need to make time for it later this week or weekend. He was a little responsive to that so we'll see where that leads.


----------



## turnera

Good for you. Communication is always the key.


----------



## snowy13

I'm trying - but we usually end up fighting - but we'll keep at it.


----------



## turnera

OK, then, here is Goal #1: NEVER RAISE YOUR VOICE. If you feel yourself start raising your voice, hold your hand up, stop talking, and leave the room. Come back in 10 minutes and try again.

You can do it.


----------



## paramore

not to dig too much but is this toy something you two could use together to enhance your intimacy?


----------



## snowy13

I don't think so.


----------



## honeybum

we have loads of toys, they can be really great, but you need to feel comfortable with the person youre using them with. i agree with paramore, they can def enhance intimacy and have a laugh too!


----------



## turnera

honeybum said:


> we have loads of toys, they can be really great, but you need to feel comfortable with the person youre using them with. i agree with paramore, they can def enhance intimacy and have a laugh too!


And that is why this book (Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books) can be so instrumental in getting that closeness back. Trust me. If it helps ME, when I have serious aversion issues, it will definitely help you.


----------



## snowy13

The whole idea of toys has never appealed to me, but I know it does to him. It will take a lot but I am willing to try.


----------



## turnera

The book I suggested doesn't use toys. At least not the pages I've used so far. It uses the two of you, working together, to have an enjoyable, albeit out of the ordinary, experience.


----------



## snowy13

That sounds like something I would be more comfortable with, then possibly go from there.


----------



## turnera

Examples would be...give him an invitation from the book to meet you out on the back patio at 11pm and bring a bottle of wine. You'll be there waiting with candles lit, music playing, a blanket on the grass under the stars, and some massage oil. Stuff like that.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you, that's a good place for me to build from.


----------



## jben

Wow this is one hell of a story. So after scanning over the past 11 pages I have a few things to say to you. First off I am rather confidant that your husband loves you very much. It also however sounds like he is doing everything he can to straddle the grey line remaining between black and white or right and wrong if you will. Your husband loves you and wants to stay with you but may not know how badly he does at the moment. It sounds to me like he needs a reality check. He needs to not take you for granted. He needs to be reminded of how much he loves you and how ****ty his life would be without you. You need to find a way to show him how serious you are about him needing to CUT ALL ties with this OW AND his newly discovered addiction because I am MORE than confidant that his porno addiction played a role in him cheating on you. Take it from someone who has lost everything and WAS in some ways in your husbands shoes. DON'T let this go 2 far. Because there will come a point when you will be more than fed up with all the above... and you will want only to leave him and he will be left broken and alone living a life of regret and dis-pare... not understanding how things went so wrong so fast. I have been married for almost 3 years and that is soon to end as soon as she gets her divorce. We have a 2 year old baby boy whom I would do anything for. Long story short I come from a very religious family thus grew up that way. My wife and I got married under less than approving circumstances and I did not take it very well. More or less I was just not ready to get married. I was however fortunate enough to marry the right one. Anyway I became addicted to drugs and slowly I destroyed the trust in our relationship through lying, stealing, ect. I hated myself everyday for it. I tried to get help a few times but I was just not in a good place in any way shape or form. My wife moved out and I continued with my addiction for another 2 months. FINALLY I had had enough and knew that I needed REAL help. So I talked to my wife and we decided it was best I moved back in with my folks so I could get out of the environment that was fueling my addiction. We made the decision that we would work things out soon as I worked myself out. A month into recovery and she tells me she wants a divorce. I am torn to pieces of course. I was 2 late... I waited 2 long. It's now been almost a year and I have been clean ever since. I tried talking to her... pleading with her... to work things out. The classic line I receive is that she loves me but is not in love with me. The bottom line is that I waited 2 long 2 fix myself. I regret it more than anything and have never been so depressed in my life. I don't want the same thing to happen to the 2 of you. Don't wait till its 2 late. Fix things now and see a counselor. There is no shame in this. It means your fighting to stay together... and it sounds to me like you still love him very much so please get help now before this spins out of control. The 2 of you should DEF see a marriage counselor. Please don't put this off. Hope things get better for the 2 of u. I'm sorry this was so long. Trust me the part about me could have been a hell of a lot longer... lol.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you jben. I believe he loves me too, it's just hard some days to think how could he do something like this if he really truly did? The porno thing is making me so nervous because he is repeating the behavior he had shortly before the affair happened. You are exactly right, the porn was definitely part of it. I hope and pray every day that this child is not his so we can move on and get past this. I also pray that no matter what the outcome of the paternity that we can find a way to fix our marriage. I don't want to lose him, but it's a tough reality to think about.


----------



## snowy13

A different question today. Our one year wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I am honestly considering not getting him a gift. I know it may sound stupid or selfish, but he did not get me anything for christmas or my birthday. He did get roses for v-day which was sweet, he doesn't usually do flowers. I'm not wanting a lot, financially we have not really been able to do anything big. That doesn't matter, but at least a card would be nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## paramore

Maybe have a card or a nice note ready and waiting, that way if he does something, you have something to give back. My husband forgot valentines day and my birthday last year, reinforcing in me that I didn't matter, that I was invisible, on the other hand, I on the other hand have never forgot anything like that. Anyways, my personal advice would be have something ready, and see if he makes the first move. Regardless, give him a nice card or something even if he forgets and go from there, you will come out looking pretty good. I know our 13 year wedding anniversary is coming at the end of July, and it is making me nervous, because our marriage is fragile at best and I wonder what to do about that, so I get where you are coming from.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> A different question today. Our one year wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I am honestly considering not getting him a gift. I know it may sound stupid or selfish, but he did not get me anything for christmas or my birthday. He did get roses for v-day which was sweet, he doesn't usually do flowers. I'm not wanting a lot, financially we have not really been able to do anything big. That doesn't matter, but at least a card would be nice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 The first year we were married, my DH didn't give me anything for my birthday, which came first. He had told me that he didn't believe in 'having to' do expected gifts; he'd rather just be the spontaneous guy who drops you a gift whenever the mood suits him. So, my birthday comes and goes with nary a word. I steamed. Said nothing. Then comes his birthday 6 months later, and I likewise ignored it. 

Boy, you would have thought I sold his firstborn son! Boy, did I get an earful. I just shrugged, and said 'Well, you ignored MY birthday so I just assumed we weren't going to acknowledge them. I was following your actions.'

Needless to say, next year, I got a great present.


----------



## turnera

Good idea. Get something, but don't initiate.


----------



## snowy13

Thanks guys.


----------



## snowy13

Forget the anniversary, I told him to be out by Sunday! I went and got the mail today and there was a bill from another cell provider. I had a suspicion he went and got one and even asked him. Of course he said no. I opened it and it was for another line! I am so angry right now and so tempted to call hid dad and fill him in on all the bs he has been pulling again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

OF COURSE you should call his dad!

Call him right now!


----------



## snowy13

I think I need to let myself calm down a little first. My h is at work so I just left him a message but I'm really curious to hear his crappy excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Have you read about gaslighting? 

Spend the time waiting by reading everything you can find on it. Then, when he DOES gaslight you tonight, you'll recognize it.


----------



## snowy13

Thanks, I'll check that out. He just text me and said what's the big deal, he just wanted another one. How stupid! Come on now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

That's gaslighting for you. It would have been better for you to wait til you see him in person, tell him you know, and hold out your hand, and say 'prove to me it's nothing; let me see it right now' (before he can delete anything). If he refused, you'd have your answer.


----------



## snowy13

He keeps it at work so he would have plenty of time to delete anything so I don't know how I can believe anything he has to say
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I'm supposed to pick him up from work but I just want to make him find his own way. I want to take his clothes, put them all in bags, leave them by the door. Is this childish?


----------



## Lilyana

no.. its probably what you SHOULD do


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> He keeps it at work so he would have plenty of time to delete anything so I don't know how I can believe anything he has to say
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That's why I said it would have been better for you to not tip your hand and let him know you know, until you face him, so he has no time to change anything. How do you know he keeps it at work? Are you searching his car and stuff?


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> I'm supposed to pick him up from work but I just want to make him find his own way. I want to take his clothes, put them all in bags, leave them by the door. Is this childish?


That's what you should have done a long time ago. I think EVERY BS should do it. As soon as they find out.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> That's why I said it would have been better for you to not tip your hand and let him know you know, until you face him, so he has no time to change anything. How do you know he keeps it at work? Are you searching his car and stuff?


We carpool since his car accident so I know it can't be there. He left his phone (the one I know about) at home a few days which didn't make sense because he is always glued to it.


----------



## snowy13

I filled bags with his clothes and when he got home he took mine and threw them all over the floor. He freaked out and said he refuses to leave. Then said he's going to the bank tomorrow, canceling our joint account and taking his money. He just sat there and cut me down, basically blamed me for having the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> We carpool since his car accident so I know it can't be there. He left his phone (the one I know about) at home a few days which didn't make sense because he is always glued to it.


 Yep, he doesn't need to be glued to the phone YOU know, because now he can cheat without you knowing.

So sorry.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> I filled bags with his clothes and when he got home he took mine and threw them all over the floor. He freaked out and said he refuses to leave. Then said he's going to the bank tomorrow, canceling our joint account and taking his money. He just sat there and cut me down, basically blamed me for having the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I'm so sorry. Please know that this is just typical gaslighting. He's squirming and trying to find a way to cover his ass. By blaming you, which is OH so common. 

Don't let him get to you. You know what you know. 

I mean, geez, if you would only have let him keep his secret phone and cheat in secret, you could have stayed a happy family. Don't you understand that?

What are you going to do today?


----------



## turnera

btw, when BSs confront the cheater, usually the FIRST thing they say is they're going straight to the lawyer; the second thing they usually say is they'll take their money and punish you. Typical fogbabble, so ignore it. Only actions mean anything.

Document everything. Keep proof outside the house so he can't find it and destroy it.


----------



## tierzastarr

Jeez snowy, I haven't been on lately. And I'm so sorry!!


----------



## heartisbroken

Just dont make any major decisions while you are still in an emotional state. First, like many others have said is he needs to stop texting her. He will not know if the child is truly his until it is born ... I wonder if the husband knows she is pregnant ... if you know him -- maybe send a congratulations card ... okay im being spiteful now ..sorry! Offer to pay for the ultra sound -- I had one at nine weeks and they were able to pinpoint the day of conception within a couple of days -- and they also nailed the due date.... you cant tell the gender until about the 20th week of gestation ... so unless she is really pregnant -- she is blowing smoke ...


----------



## heartisbroken

shut off your texting .... or set it up that it blocks her number ... most men cant figure that stuff out ... okkkayy im sorry to all you smart ones here .... do not take offense ...


----------



## heartisbroken

or accidently wash his phone in the laundry .... OPPPPS!!


----------



## snowy13

Heartisbroken, thanks for making me laugh. They slept together around Nov. 20th so that would make her about 23 weeks? About a month ago she supposedly told him the gender (end of March/beg. of April). Is this possible?

Update: Last Thursday (my last post) we had a huge fight and basically didn't talk on Friday. However, he did bring the phone home from work and it has been sitting in our living room since.

We had an even worse blow out fight Saturday. What ended the worst part (not to say there wasn't tension after) was my H basically collapsing to the floor crying and saying how much he hates himself and how he hates that everyone is so mad at him. He said his Mom was an important person in his life (she died when he was 17) but was a close second to me. He said he kept doing things to hurt her and now he's doing it to me.

I told him he needs to cancel the other phone line and I refuse to use the money from our joint account to do it. He is working a second pt job to save up for things like new clubs and eventually a down payment on a car. I said his toys will just have to wait and he agreed.

The tension has lifted but it's still just so much to take in and very hard not to think about everything. I told him flat out, he ruined the idea of the two of us starting a family together and who knows how long it will take to get past that. Also, if we can't find a way to mend our marriage and this child does end up to be his - how can we ever survive that too?


----------



## snowy13

Wow... abusive controlling H who she divorced my a**! Excuse the language but occasionally I'll go the OW's H's fb page, they are in Vegas together. Hmmm??????


----------



## 8yearscheating

Side note for you. While you can't prove paternity with blood types, you can disprove paternity in some cases. He can easily find out his. If he can find out hers you can look it up on the internet and determine what the possible blood types of the kid would be. In some cases, like both her and he are type A and the kid is AB, it can't be his.


----------



## snowy13

So our first anniversary is here and almost gone and no gift. I am not going to hold it against him too much yet since we have plans t celebrate next weekend due to Mother's Day.

The day isn't over but of course we had a fight. He was out helping his dad and when he came home he told me right away he got a text from the OW. I appreciate he told me and asked to see it, he showed me and he replied with Happy mother's day! What the h***!!! I asked why and he said he was just trying to be nice, I said so what, it's inappropriate and he broke his promise yet again of no contact. After some yelling he finally sent her a text, with me there, saying we shouldn't talk again until I know this baby is mine. Her response," wow, ok." Then, "I wish it wasn't yours."

I'm still so frustrated, you know she intentionally sent him something today, she did it on valentine's day too. I just wish she would be out of our lives forever.

PS. Happy Mother's Day to all of you it applies to, hope you're enjoying it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## grizabella

Ah Snowy, she's manipulating him and gaming you. He doesn't know weather to scratch his a$$ or wind his watch right now. You two need to be a united front against her and when you get her out of your lives you can then work on your relationship. The proof of the pudding with him is does he want to work with you against her or not.


----------



## grizabella

By the way, that was my first post ever and I misspelled "whether". I suppose I'll get better at it.


----------



## snowy13

Just keep the good news coming.... my H got his test results back this afternoon and he has chlamydia  He was 100% honest with me and told me right away, even played the voicemail from the dr and told me about their conversation. We have not slept together since I found out about the affair but I still need to be safe and have myself tested too.

He said this is just another thing that proves she was with other men - who else could he have got it from? Either the OW's H passed it along, or the OW had other partners in addition to my H (which he has suspected for a while).


----------



## turnera

Duh.


----------



## snowy13

I'm sorry, but what was meant by that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> I'm sorry, but what was meant by that?


Duh, that he has an STD. Duh, that he blames it on her. Duh, that he maintains that it is SHE who brings it into your family, and not him (i.e., let's not even discuss whether he's had more than one affair partner). Duh, that she likely had multiple partners. Duh, that HE suspects she's had multiple partners (notice how that makes you and him on the same side...against her). Pretty good work on his part to minimize HIS actions, IMO.


----------



## paramore

I like you Turnera


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Duh, that he has an STD. Duh, that he blames it on her. Duh, that he maintains that it is SHE who brings it into your family, and not him (i.e., let's not even discuss whether he's had more than one affair partner). Duh, that she likely had multiple partners. Duh, that HE suspects she's had multiple partners (notice how that makes you and him on the same side...against her). Pretty good work on his part to minimize HIS actions, IMO.


I understand where you're coming from, but did not put it on all on her. He talked about how angry he was with himself and that if he did get it from her where did she? There are two options there. I was just venting more or less, but I feel like we actually had a productive conversation, not fighting this time.


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> Just keep the good news coming.... my H got his test results back this afternoon and he has chlamydia  He was 100% honest with me and told me right away, even played the voicemail from the dr and told me about their conversation. We have not slept together since I found out about the affair but I still need to be safe and have myself tested too.
> 
> He said this is just another thing that proves she was with other men - who else could he have got it from? Either the OW's H passed it along, or the OW had other partners in addition to my H (which he has suspected for a while).


Unless refused, an STD panel is usually done during the first visit of a pregnancy. She probably knew she had it and let your H walk around knowing he might infect you. 

I hate to say it, but I think he should contact the OW on the off-chance that she really didn't know. "I have been diagnosed with Chlamydia. It can be detrimental to pregnancy and be passed to the baby during birth." Then go NC again. She needs to be informed, not have a conversation. 

I'd also keep evidence of him informing her in case he wants to fight for custody. If the baby is born with Chlamydia it will show that she didn't take the proper protective measures and would be helpful in your H's fight, should there be one. 

I hope your tests come back clean.


----------



## snowy13

WhereAmI said:


> Unless refused, an STD panel is usually done during the first visit of a pregnancy. She probably knew she had it and let your H walk around knowing he might infect you.
> 
> I hate to say it, but I think he should contact the OW on the off-chance that she really didn't know. "I have been diagnosed with Chlamydia. It can be detrimental to pregnancy and be passed to the baby during birth." Then go NC again. She needs to be informed, not have a conversation.
> 
> I'd also keep evidence of him informing her in case he wants to fight for custody. If the baby is born with Chlamydia it will show that she didn't take the proper protective measures and would be helpful in your H's fight, should there be one.
> 
> I hope your tests come back clean.


He did contact her because he felt it was the right thing to do and she was nasty to him. She said things like how could you do this to our son and said he gave it to her. She said she was clean 4 months ago when she was tested. Do they usually test when a woman first learns she's pregnant?

He told her he knows he didn't have it before the night they slept together and asked her to explain that. She just kept blaming him and what it would do to the baby. He said how do I even know it's mine? He ended by saying her number is deleted and the only reason for contact is whenever the baby is born so a paternity test can be done.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Snowy - find out her blood type and I assume your husband knows his.

From this chart you determine if he is for sure NOT the father once you know the baby's blood type. In some cases it won't indicate exclusion and only a paternity test will tell for sure. In some cases it is proof positive. Generally a baby is blood typed at birth.

Blood Type Chart - Paternity determination by blood type - parents & child


----------



## 8yearscheating

I'll give you an example from my own experience. The baby is AB, mother is A and I am A (father). It can't be mine. Just to be clear, I'm still waiting to find out my daughters blood type. I've also decided no matter what, I am her father even if not biologically and my daughter will NEVER know. That may be selfish on my part but it's something I put behind me and will never look back.


----------



## snowy13

There will be a paternity test when the baby is born, but thank you for the information. I think it's great that you are going to raise your daughter as your own, even if she is not. However, I think my situation is a little different. I am still really struggling if I can stay if this child ends up being my H's, it's a constant reminder of all the pain and betrayal. There's so much to think about...


----------



## snowy13

So I know many may say I am just torturing myself by thinking about things like this - but honestly since our huge fight things have been going well and I have rarely thought about the situation.

However, I am still holding hope that she is messing with my H. She may be pregnant, but past info she has shared with my H included problems with the babies heart, on medication for it, and in the next few weeks having blood work done which may lead to weight restrictions and possible bed rest. If this is the case wouldn't she have been advised not to travel? I could be wrong but that is my impression - I know she spent the last week in Vegas with her so-called ex.


----------



## jben

snowy13 said:


> Thank you jben. I believe he loves me too, it's just hard some days to think how could he do something like this if he really truly did? The porno thing is making me so nervous because he is repeating the behavior he had shortly before the affair happened. You are exactly right, the porn was definitely part of it. I hope and pray every day that this child is not his so we can move on and get past this. I also pray that no matter what the outcome of the paternity that we can find a way to fix our marriage. I don't want to lose him, but it's a tough reality to think about.


Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Seems as though a lot has most certainly unfolded since I last checked. Anyway to answer your question it's rather simple. Being a man myself I can honestly say that men are just stupid... and we make incredibly stupid choices. We are just wired stupid. For instance... take a couple that is happily married... yada yada yada... married man goes out of town for work... married man goes to a business party... married man gets a little drunk... some skank throws herself on married man... all rational thought goes out the door for married man. You can figure out the rest. People make terrible choices men being the majority in the word people. However just because we make those terrible choices doesn't mean we don't madly love the love of our life. I guess what is done after the mistake is made determines ones true feelings.


----------



## snowy13

Jben, I see where you're coming from and I understand people make mistakes, but now not only does this have a huge effect on our marriage, but there may be a child as well that changes our whole lives. Some mistakes are just too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Any many men simply don't care enough to put their childrens' needs ahead of their own. They simply aren't raised that way. 

That leaves the mother to do so.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Now there's a sexist statement! I'll rephrase that to anyone narcissistic (self centered) enough to have an affair will not care about kids as much as themselves. My Wife has left our kids with me when she bailed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

:iagree:

And what jben said applies to women NOWADAYS as well. Get a few drinks into many married women, sweet talk them by telling them how beautiful and attractive they are, tell them their husbands are no good basterds, basically stroke their ego, and they are just as liable to have a ONS, and much more like to have an EA. I've seen many more marriages ruined by cheating stemming from activies such as Girls Night Out than by men stepping out.


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> Now there's a sexist statement! I'll rephrase that to anyone narcissistic (self centered) enough to have an affair will not care about kids as much as themselves. My Wife has left our kids with me when she bailed!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really sure where you are going with this. If this child is his, my H wants to be in it's life. The dilemma is I don't know what I am going to do. I love him and want to be with him, but the thought of helping to raise another womans child because of his affair is hard to come to terms with.


----------



## 8yearscheating

It can be handled that you deal with the finanical and child pick up ofr him to see the id. There does not have to be physical or toher contact for him to rpovide support. He can still make the decisions without having direct contact with her.


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> It can be handled that you deal with the finanical and child pick up ofr him to see the id. There does not have to be physical or toher contact for him to rpovide support. He can still make the decisions without having direct contact with her.


I understand that, and he wants as little contact with her as possible. My point is, if this child is his, I don't know my feelings and if I can stay. We are working on things, but we have a long way to go and not a lot of time before facing that possibility
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 8yearscheating

Cross that bridge when you have the paternity results. You may be worrying for nothing. Besides that, do you love him enough to want to R or don't you? This should not be a game changer if you do. WHy would it in your opinion - you know about the affair, what real difference does a child make - specifically?


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> Cross that bridge when you have the paternity results. You may be worrying for nothing. Besides that, do you love him enough to want to R or don't you? This should not be a game changer if you do. WHy would it in your opinion - you know about the affair, what real difference does a child make - specifically?


I do love him, very much. It's just so hard to think that we are not starting a family together, his first child is not with me but from some ONS. We have been together 11 years and always pictured marriage, house and a family.

There are a lot of differences a child makes. Financially, emotionally. Some of his family knows but non of mine yet - that's a whole other thing to deal with as well. I know there are some who will not support me staying with him, so dealing with that is tough as well.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Focus on you and what you want. Not what others will think or do or what the foregone conclusion is if the child is his. Focus on you and your needs. Can you still have a child with him or is there a reason you haven't yet? IF there is a reason you can't have kids, make it a requirement of R that you adopt. FOCUS ON YOU and what you want. Not him or anyone else.


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> Focus on you and what you want. Not what others will think or do or what the foregone conclusion is if the child is his. Focus on you and your needs. Can you still have a child with him or is there a reason you haven't yet? IF there is a reason you can't have kids, make it a requirement of R that you adopt. FOCUS ON YOU and what you want. Not him or anyone else.


We have been together since HS but only married one year. We want a family one day, we just haven't started trying yet because I'm not ready even though he is. As far as we know we are both healthy and able to, but when the time is right. At this point I can't even think about it... I need to know that we are going to be ok first, adding a child will not make everything better.


----------



## snowy13

Curious - I will go on the OW's husbands fb occasionally. More and more she is making comments on his posts and pictures, there are also profile pictures of herself but always the chest up. Seems a little odd, hiding the fact she's pregnant, or a lie? Her picture today shows a little more and her shirt doesn't really seem to fall like you would think on a woman who is 6 months pregnant. The pic is only about half of her abdomen so it's not overly clear. Am I nuts to keep holding on to the fact that she's lying, and even if she is pregnant, not as far along as she keeps saying she is?


----------



## lordmayhem

snowy13 said:


> We have been together since HS but only married one year. We want a family one day, we just haven't started trying yet because I'm not ready even though he is. As far as we know we are both healthy and able to, but when the time is right. At this point I can't even think about it... I need to know that we are going to be ok first, adding a child will not make everything better.


You will know in a few months if OW is telling the truth or not. I've read quite a few stories where the OW will claim she's pregnant in an attempt to keep the H. On the other hand, if there really is an OC involved, she will be in your lives for years.

The writing on the wall is clear. If he's cheated on you this early in your marriage, it doesn't bode well for the future. In fact, I'd say the future is pretty bleak. What about years from now when if you're both tied down with children, bills, and careers, then he starts to get bored? Most likely more affairs down the road. Do you want to deal with that plus issues with an OC?

My advice is to run like hell and don't look back.


----------



## snowy13

lordmayhem said:


> You will know in a few months if OW is telling the truth or not. I've read quite a few stories where the OW will claim she's pregnant in an attempt to keep the H. On the other hand, if there really is an OC involved, she will be in your lives for years.
> 
> The writing on the wall is clear. If he's cheated on you this early in your marriage, it doesn't bode well for the future. In fact, I'd say the future is pretty bleak. What about years from now when if you're both tied down with children, bills, and careers, then he starts to get bored? Most likely more affairs down the road. Do you want to deal with that plus issues with an OC?
> 
> My advice is to run like hell and don't look back.


Trust me, this has gone through my head several times. Not that it is any excuse for his behavior, but although it may be early in our marriage, it is not early in our relationship. We were together for ten years before we were married and I would like to think our history and everything we have been through (besides the affair) has to mean something.


----------



## lordmayhem

snowy13 said:


> Trust me, this has gone through my head several times. Not that it is any excuse for his behavior, but although it may be early in our marriage, it is not early in our relationship. We were together for ten years before we were married and I would like to think our history and everything we have been through (besides the affair) has to mean something.


You, as the BS, and the rest of us BSs here would like to think the years with our WS meant something. The more you read, the more you realize that people who cheat don't think about throwing away, 10, 20, or even 30 years of marriage. Is this the first time he's cheated on you? Or were there possbily others that you haven't found out about?

How is his attitude? Is he truly remorseful and transparent? Is he he doing the heavy lifting to repair your marriage and doing everything he can to regain your trust? Or is he just trying to rug sweep and tell you to get over it already? Take those factors into account in addition to what I mentioned above before making your decision to continue on or leave. 

Don't feel pressured that you have to R, its not for everyone. You are the one taking the risk, and you will have to suffer the consequences if you decide to R and he strays again.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> Trust me, this has gone through my head several times. Not that it is any excuse for his behavior, but although it may be early in our marriage, it is not early in our relationship. We were together for ten years before we were married and I would like to think our history and everything we have been through (besides the affair) has to mean something.


What it means to me is that you're no fun, now that you're the 'ball and chain' and he went looking for something else.

What does that say about him?


----------



## snowy13

How is his attitude? Is he truly remorseful and transparent? Is he he doing the heavy lifting to repair your marriage and doing everything he can to regain your trust? 

It took a little time but he has shown me that he is remorseful, including breaking down crying one night in the middle of a fight. There are ups and downs but I feel like we are slowly starting to turn a corner and that he is trying to show me I am number one.

It will take a very long time to regain trust, and he knows that. I don't let him forget it either. I know it's a long and rough road and there will be constant ups and downs.


----------



## 8yearscheating

If R is what you want, go for it. Your M will be stronger than it was if you can both work on what led him to be open for an A and resolve those issues. Build a fortress of openess and transparency and communication to make the marriage much mroe resistant to it happening again. Make sure he figures out why he was open to it and find ways to put up that wall. I don't believe that people can't change and history is bound to repeat itself. You and he can learn from this. Ignore the naysayers, follow your heart and your gut. It can be better than it was so long as niether of you sweeps it under the rug and actually learns from it. Does he understand why a child is such a big deal to you? Don't hide your feelings and pain just to not make waves and especially not to protect him. He can't learn if you do.


----------



## lordmayhem

8yearscheating said:


> I don't believe that people can't change and history is bound to repeat itself.


Thats interesting considering your situation and the fact that your wife gave birth to an OC. But if an OC isn't a deal breaker, then thats fine also.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Yes my wife did terrible things. But I have confidence that it won't happen again.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you 8yearscheating. I hope and pray that he can change, but ultimately he is the only one who can make that happen. I know I love him and want to be with him, but there is still a long long road ahead to fix things. There was a small argument last night but we moved on quickly. I brought up that I was still upset about certain things and it bothers me that recently we either fight and drop it or don't talk. I told him there are things that have to be talked about, but in a civil manner.


----------



## 8yearscheating

What Lord Mayhem was referring to Snowy is my own situation. My wife had 2 short term affairs 20 years ago and then was with my "friend" for 18 years. Confirmed today that my youngest daughter can't be mine biologically based on blood type. She is MY daughter and has been for the last 15 years and I will let nothing change that. My wife understands and agrees that even after i'm dead, she nor the OM is ever to know. My only fear is that he might have an idea. If he ever ruins my relationship with my daughter it'll be the last thing he does. 'm working through this and believe me it's not easy. If it weren't for my wifes support and knowing she is deeply in love with me again and remorseful, I'd be gone. I never gave up even though after D day even our MC gave us a 1 in 100 chance of surviving because she was certain she was done. I never gave up but came awful damn close because initially she refused to break contact. I laid down my expectations and gave her a safe harbor to discuss it without me blowing up. We/I still have some rough times but they are getting fewer and fewer as we both process what happened. The rules will remain forever about transparency, NC and her coming to me if he EVER tries to contact her in any way or if she ever feels like contacting him. She knows if it's her or if she doesn't tell me he's tried, it means immediate divorce and I'll never look back.

For you in your situation, it's not unreasonable for you to expect him to break all contact and if anything needs to be known, it's through a third party which would keep you out of a very uncomfortable position. State your requirements and stick to them. You have a right to and if truly loves you he will understand and abide.


----------



## snowy13

Although your situation is similar to mine, your wife had the child and the OM doesn't know. The OW is possibly carrying his child meaning if it is his she will part of our life forever. That is what I am struggling with the most. I have said it many times on here, but I just don't know how to come to terms with that and if I can stay if it is his. We were supposed to start a family together, but instead he'll have a child with someone else.


----------



## 8yearscheating

He may know and I have to live with the fact that he could try to step back into her life and destroy my relationship with her. I understand how you feel and no one can tell you to just get over it. You need to figure out if you can live with it, because depending on the results of the paternity tests, it may always be there - just like the A. Waiting for the results to make that decision should not be necessary, you should decide now expecting the worse. I guess my intention of telling you my story was so that you could see that it possible to process it and start to move on if that's what you want, You just have make that your goal if it is. Bouncing around and beating yourself up won't work forever. Only you can make the decision to try or be done with him. You can't change what has happened, only what you will do. In terms of the contact, consider what I said about a third party ( sister or brother or long term friend) - no direct contact and that includes until the results of a paternity test are known. If she refuses to have one done, you can pretty much believe it's not his and he should decide to just move on.

Remember, it's all about you and what you can tolerate. If you make a decision with boundaries and restrictions, you then tell him it's this or we're done. You have a right to demand those decisions from him and make you final decision based on his response.

I know you love him very much. You are not tied by kids and I'm sure you can find someone who will love you more and respects you.

It's hard to make this type decision, pick the choices you can live with and lay them out to him. It's entirely up to you to decide what is best for you. Not I or anyone else on here can make that decision for you.


----------



## 8yearscheating

SIde note, depending on the state you live in, if paternity is not disproved now, she could come back later and claim paternity and the court could order a test. Depending on the state, he could be liable for full child support back to the time of birth. In MI it's only 6 years from the proof or I'd go after the OM for everything he has. SO if she refuses a paternity test, you may waat to have the court force one so he clear his future liability or at least find out what that could be in your state.


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> SIde note, depending on the state you live in, if paternity is not disproved now, she could come back later and claim paternity and the court could order a test. Depending on the state, he could be liable for full child support back to the time of birth. In MI it's only 6 years from the proof or I'd go after the OM for everything he has. SO if she refuses a paternity test, you may waat to have the court force one so he clear his future liability or at least find out what that could be in your state.


We have discussed similar things. I told my H I think he needs to go to a lawyer and have it clear that when the child is born there will be a paternity test done, and the lawyer will contact us with the results. If she refuses then we know she's lying. Also, she has stated in the past she wants nothing from him, no money. I said you can't take her word - this needs to be put in a written, legal document.


----------



## 8yearscheating

You can look up retroactive child support and paternity with your state name and it should pop something that explains your states limitations if there are any. One site I saw showed a chart for all states. Think talking to a lawyer is a very good idea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

It's been several days since I've been on and honestly I don't know what I'm on for now. It was a rough weekend and I just need to vent. I am really struggling right now. It's the same old questions... I love him but can I be with him? If this child is his, can I stay? How do I know he's not continuing to lie to me? Will he cheat again in the future?

The OW sent him a text the other night that she might lose the baby... he didn't tell me right away either. He's suddenly convinced again it's his. Then he told me if the results come back that it's his, he's going up there right away. Just really, really lost at the moment.


----------



## pidge70

Kinda convenient that she "might" lose the baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillyds

I posted a story very similar to yours about an hour ago. All I can tell you is that I hung in there and three years later I am still not okay with it. For whatever reasons he is not seeing his son now but I received advice today to stay out of it. To let him deal with what he did. I do not know if I can accept this situation and I am upset that it took three years to come to this conclusion. I truly hope for your sake that it is not his child. So much anger, trust issues, betrayal will follow and it is difficult to get over.


----------



## turnera

pidge70 said:


> Kinda convenient that she "might" lose the baby.


What I was thinking.

That said, I could not stay with a man who would abandon his child and let that child grow up without his father.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> What I was thinking.
> 
> That said, I could not stay with a man who would abandon his child and let that child grow up without his father.


I was thinking that too. I would never ask him not to be part of the child's life if it is his. But I also told him I don't know if I can still be part of his life.

Her "due date" is August and I'm wondering if she is trying to cover her tracks and start having "problems" so when the time comes and there is no baby...?

I go back and forth all the time, some days I feel strong and want to work it out and feel she is lying. But others I am falling apart and think this all is really happening and my marriage is over.


----------



## turnera

Then set a date for 8/31. You'll know for sure by then.


----------



## Awesome_Socks

Hi x x
I'm very sorry that your H cheated on you, my friends Dad did that with his sister-in-law 
But i would make sure she is really telling the truth, not lying like you said, to keep your H in her life, get a DNA test, or wait a few months and see if she is actually having a baby, and for the forgiving him thing, your a braver woman than i am, you forgave him, and it shows she love him no matter what, the only part which is confusing is the whole bit about the actual baby, if this women is such a OW, she can't be a single mother, he doesn't have to leave you, maybe you could look after him/her at the weekends and on the holidays, my sister's Dad left and she never met him, my Mum said he was a D**k head, and of course she believed him, but when she met him, (in hospital of the day of his death) she realized he was so nice and caring, and now hates her self for hating him all those years, i hope this helped.
Eloise x x


----------



## snowy13

He is not choosing to leave me or abandon the child. The issue is me - I am not sure if I can stay. There will be a constant reminder of what happened. I don't know that I can make a decision until the reality of it hits - which basically won't happen until we know for sure if the child is his or not.


----------



## turnera

Are you working on repairing your relationship until then?


----------



## snowy13

Trying - some days are good, but then there are pretty bad ones too.


----------



## 8yearscheating

It's a roller coaster for a while. Is he doing the right things?


----------



## snowy13

For the most part. I still find myself questioning everything he does, but I guess that will take time, trust is hard to get back. There are things I really want to talk with him about, but I don't know if he will tell me the truth so I just avoid the conversations, which isn't good.


----------



## turnera

Have you set up a once-a-week discussion time? That keeps the rest of the week safe, and makes you both focus on being honest and helpful during that one hour.


----------



## snowy13

No, I like that idea though. Thanks.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Avoiding the conversations is bad. Go listen to this teleseminar
http://beyondaffairs.com/MP3s/TS-2010-Feb-26.mp3
It's about getting your husband to talk when he has had an affair.
There are many more a the link below that may help you
Beyond Affairs Teleseminars


----------



## snowy13

Bad day - trying not to sit and dwell but having a hard time. Have not looked at the phone bill detail in a while now, attempting to trust my H. Well I was wrong. Two weeks ago there were several text and picture messages with the OW along with a 12 minute phone call.

What the H***! Sorry, but what happened to only me and no contact... here we go again! I just hate going in these circles.


----------



## turnera

So sorry.


----------



## snowy13

It's 2 months still until we know if the baby is his and I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

What are you going to do tonight?


----------



## snowy13

Try and have a civil conversation when he gets home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Maybe I'm just bitter - but I'm up late and can't sleep and every other commercial that has come on is for a website/phone number for secret encounters. Gross - just another way for people to sneak around.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Snowy. Focus on the love and openess he is showing. Don't delay a weekly view of the phone records so you can stay on top of what he does. The number one thing I think you need to establish is an intermediary for the OW to go through with any messages to your husband and from your husband back to her. He needs to accept this as requirement of NC and stop all direct contact. Even if the kid is proven to be his, this is the way it should work so there is no direct contact for either one of you. You should also get copies of any messages. It could be a sister or close friend or even your mom if she's close by. Your husband needs to understand that the wound keeps getting torn open and he needs to do everything possible to stop it. You are more important in the long term than she is!!! He should change his phone number FB email etc so she has no means of direct contact. NOT OPTIONAL. DO IT NOW!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 8yearscheating

Side note, if the OW cuts off all contact or tries to take to court, so be it. Cross that bridge when you come to it. If your husband protests he wants to stay in
Contact with his kid, the response is simply " you should have picked a better receptacle for your sperm". This is consequence of your own doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Yeah, no matter that there's a child involved (possibly), HIS #1 responsibility here is your marriage, and he's going to have to get that he has to put that first. ANY communication with her that he does not IMMEDIATELY share with you should give you pause, and give him reason to step up his game. Don't accept this - get some real ground rules and be ready to provide consequences.

How did it go last night?


----------



## snowy13

It didn't. I basically gave him the silent treatment. He knew something was up but didn't ask, but also didn't give me attitude back which is what he usually does. I just was not in the mood to even get in to it. We'll talk because we need to, but later today/tonight.


----------



## snowy13

I brought up the messages tonight. I asked what pictures she sent him and why she was talking to him. First he got very defensive and just kept saying "It's non of your business." It started to escalate and he just got up and got in the shower.

He was calmer when he came out and I didn't say anything right away. After some time I approached it differently and asked why every time I bring her up or try to have a discussion he gets defensive?

We had a better conversation. He said her OB asked if he was still wanting a paternity test. He told her yes, of course. She said she was going to the dr the next day and would get back to him. That was 2 weeks ago and nothing - he thinks she already knows and it's not his but she won't tell him.


----------



## turnera

I think this is a good time for you to show your boundary. Which, IMO, should look something like 'We have to be able to discuss this on the same page - not as adversaries. I get that you feel under attack on this subject, but I cannot continue to be with you if you are going to treat me that way, NOR can I continue if you choose to hide your involvement with her. Let's decide this now, because if you get defensive with me again over the subject of her, or if I find out you have contact with her and don't tell me, I will leave and file for separation/divorce.'

Something like that. Whatever you're willing to do as a consequence. But apparently you need to make it clearer to him. For both your sakes.


----------



## snowy13

So of course the 4th of July gave the OW a good excuse to contact my H. She text him saying "Happy 4th!" He replied saying something along the lines of, oh now you're talking to me? You wouldn't answer me a few weeks ago when you brought up paternity, what's the deal? She said she lost her phone. He said, so you magically have my number again. No reply. Please God... let her just be that messed up that she is stringing him along as long as she can, and this child is not his!


----------



## pidge70

My thoughts are with you Snowy. Have you ever even gotten proof of her "pregnancy"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

She sent an sonogram in the beginning and recently picture messages over the phone of her belly. Sorry, but hard is it to fake those? I go back and forth. Whenever he asks for proof she blows him off.


----------



## snowy13

Another thing - I have found both the OW and her H on fb. She never has pictures of herself unless they are of her face, never full body. Could be nothing, but also possibly hiding that she may not be pregnant? I was going back through some of my earlier posts on the thread and there really were a lot of things she said/did that just don't add up or fit the proper timeline of a pregnancy.

I know anything is possible, but how likely is it that on a one night stand for her to get pregnant?


----------



## 8yearscheating

Unfortunately it doesn't even take insertion. Don't kid yourself one time is enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Tell me again why you two have not changed phone numbers? If she does have a kid, she'll figure out how to contact him. Until then, ditch the phone number. You are being too weak on this.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Same with emails and block her on facebook. Have you discussed setting up an intermediary using his sister or brother or yours or a good friend or even a lawyer so there is only contact through that channel and never direct??


----------



## 8yearscheating

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Tell me again why you two have not changed phone numbers? If she does have a kid, she'll figure out how to contact him. Until then, ditch the phone number. You are being too weak on this.


My H won't go through a third party. We have talked about it and I have asked several times. He'll start to consider it then just blow it off. She is not fb friends with either of us and my H deleted his.

Thanks for the website, I'll look into it.


----------



## 8yearscheating

The third party contact shouldn't be a request. It should be a direct, this is what I need - you to not have ANY contact with her. There is no reason a third party cannot be used. Who would he be comfortable with if it did happen? Can you talk to that person without him getting bent?


----------



## snowy13

I don't know who I can talk to. But I can try and go the legal route, a least find information on how it would work.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> My *H won't go through* a third party. We *have talked* about it and *I have asked several times*. He'll *start to consider* it then just* blow it off.* She is not fb friends with either of us and my H deleted his.
> 
> Thanks for the website, I'll look into it.


So...your husband cheated and maybe fathered a child, and the only thing you have gotten from him about all this is that he deleted his FB? He still CALLS THE SHOTS in your marriage after he cheated? Why is that? Why have you not told him 'you do *what I need* in order to heal, or you leave'?


----------



## 8yearscheating

Again - WHO IS YOUR HUSBAND COMFORTABLE WITH AS A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER THAT ALREADY KNOWS? That is where I'd start. IF not, a lawyer though that may be harder for your husband to accept. Neither one of you needs to be involved with this woman. Normally you would think you would be the ideal candidate but I can tell you couldn't handle it personally and might get beligerent as well.


----------



## snowy13

His dad is a possibility. He doesn't take crap and won't let the OW beat around the bush with stuff. My H has done other things I've asked. I know this is a big thing and really bugs me, I will tell him how I feel and it needs to be taken care of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Good for you! I'm proud of you!


----------



## snowy13

Thanks, I can talk big on here and vent my feelings, but in reality I find myself chickening out. Don't know what would happen if I ever was face to face with the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 8yearscheating

If his Dad already knows about the affair, why don't youcall him and explain your dilema and the fact his son refuses to set up an intermediary. Then ask if he could do it and talk to his son about doing it for him?


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> If his Dad already knows about the affair, why don't youcall him and explain your dilema and the fact his son refuses to set up an intermediary. Then ask if he could do it and talk to his son about doing it for him?


That's a possibility. I am going to have the conversation with my H again first and see where that leads.


----------



## snowy13

I attempted to talk with my H tonight about him texting with the OW. It quickly turned into a huge argument but ended with a descent discussion, however, I was not thrilled with things still being left unsaid/solved.

He basically said he was not going to block her number and wouldn't ask his dad to be the third party. He said his Dad was mad at him for this and doesn't want to be part of it.

He also said he was only giving one/two word answers to her bs comments to catch her in a lie. She said something about looking for a sitter, and he responded with "why would I care about that, I don't even know if it's mine." She replied "F*** You!"

She also text him on the 4th saying she was excited to go jet skiing. Umm, sorry but if you are a month away from giving birth and had a complicated pregnancy, I don't think you're going jet skiing? As I said before, i don't have kids so don't know a lot about pregnancy, but am I pretty off here? Then suddenly two days later she's on bed rest????


----------



## turnera

Only an idiot would go jet skiing at 8 months pregnant. Or a liar.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Only an idiot would go jet skiing at 8 months pregnant. Or a liar.


My thoughts exactly.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Snowy. Did you listen to any of those teleseminars?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> Snowy. Did you listen to any of those teleseminars?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the reminder, I will take a look at them.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Here issome other info to lookat.
Go and look at this link as well 
beyondaffairs.com - Healing a marriage after an affair

A teleseminar is comining up. Register on the site and you will get notices. Here is some info on the next one. 

COMPLIMENTARY TELESEMINAR COMING UP!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011 at 6 pm pacific / 9 pm eastern
Topic: 9 Keys to Healing a Marriage from an Affair
Hosts: Passionate Life Coaches Guy & Tammie. 

Anne and Brian have developed and share the 9 keys to healing 
from an affair. Hear from another couple that also healed as 
individuals and as a couple. Allow their real-life experience to 
help you have the breakthrough and healing you are desperately 
desiring. Hear how to take those wounds and turn them into wisdom!"

To register send an email to [email protected] . We will
respond with your personalized code to join us. You may also write
in your questions in advance. We'll do our best to address these.
We look forward to helping you.

PS - Register early to make sure you get a spot! We are not always
able to respond to last minute requests on time


----------



## snowy13

Looking for some thoughts on this - 

Still going back and forth, as I continue to say, I love my H and want to be with him. Lately I feel like he is just glossing over what happened, brushing it under the rug. I have tired talking to him in many different ways but he just gets defensive or brushes the subject.

My Dad is getting married in two months - the last thing I want to do is ruin his big day. I am thinking I will tell my H the next two months are his final chance to prove that I am number one, he is going to make the changes I have asked, and show he wants to make this work.

If he can't do that, then once the wedding has passed - I will take the steps to move on.


----------



## turnera

Are you guys in counseling? (sorry, can't remember) If so, it would be better to say so there.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Are you guys in counseling? (sorry, can't remember) If so, it would be better to say so there.


Not at the moment, as much as we need it, we honestly cannot afford it at the moment.


----------



## turnera

Have you looked into United Way They can get you sliding scale fees.


----------



## 8yearscheating

Do either of you have insurance? Have you checked out the beyondafairs.com website and the getting your husband to talk teleseminar?


----------



## snowy13

8yearscheating said:


> Do either of you have insurance? Have you checked out the beyondafairs.com website and the getting your husband to talk teleseminar?


Yes, we both have insurance and I am looking into some options. I looked into the teleseminars too.

On another note, I have had some terrible thoughts the last few days. There is a male coworker who is nice and has been giving me attention. Nothing inappropriate, just a minute or two conversations and joking around.

I would never even consider doing anything at all with this man, he knows I am married, has met my H, and I could never do that to him no matter how angry I am. But I have always had low self-esteem and it's nice to feel noticed by another man. However, it is making me question my relationship yet again. Is this part of my anger, disappointment, and grief over what my H has done? Finding myself confused with emotions and any thoughts would be helpful, thanks.


----------



## turnera

No, it's part of your low self esteem. People like us are SO desperate to be told we are worthy, important, wanted, attractive, ANYthing, that when someone does any of that, no matter who it is, we suck up to that feeling without even thinking. The best solution for that is to continue to work on your self esteem.


----------



## 8yearscheating

And don't consider doing anything. I've been lambasted on here for making comments to women. I would never do anything outside of my marriage - I haven't for the 30 years I've known my wife in spite of numerous opportunities some that would really blow your mind as to how I could walk from them. I say the things I do for two reasons. One, I really start to feel an attachment for some of the wonderful ladies on here. That said I would never go as far as an EA. Two - I fully understand the severe hit everyone's self esteem takes. Wondering how you measure up to the OW, was she better, did she do something special in sex. You question if she was better than you. The answer to all these questions is NO. You have something the OW will never have. Years of good memories with very strong love from husband. You have his heart and still do or he would be lonnnng gone. You will have him for as long as you want him. The OW will left with a hole and guilt and the same pain he inflicted on you. SO Snowy and Tunera, you are both wonderful ladies with great hearts. I'll bet your beauty surpasses your personality. If I wasn't married, this old fart would love to meet both of you!


----------



## 8yearscheating

And another thing, I always blew off attention from other women and usually didn't notice most of the passes made at me. My wife would always notice the passes, but I never believed her. Since her A, I do notice. We were at a party with friends and a nice looking woman was coming on me to me very strongly - with the wife sitting there! I played along a little and the woman kept getting closer and closer and her remarks started getting a little over the top. I moved away. My wife later asked me if I liked her attention. I told her I did but would never do anything. She was more loving tan ever that night and she rocked my world. Moral to the story - it doesn't hurt for your spouse to know. Why don't tell your tell your husband, you felt an attraction and enjoyed the attention of someone but moved away from it becuase you know your boundaries. Then ask him if he would do the same and tell you so that can feel that he understand his boundaries? My wife knows I expect that of her now. His reaction should be to get closer to you. Don't keep doing it though.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you, both of you. As I said, I would never act on anything - my thoughts have not even gone that far, it's just nice to be noticed again.

My self-esteem is very low, always has been. I know that is something I need to focus on and this whole situation has made it so much worse.

8years, you are right. I often wonder and compare myself to the OW. I have seen pictures of her and do not think she's very pretty at all - same with the girl my H cheated on me with several years ago. That goes right back to my self-esteem. It makes me question how my H really thinks about me. When he says I'm beautiful, does he mean it? If I am hard on myself because I'm not happy with my look or weight and he says no matter what he always loves how I look - is he just saying that? There are times I feel like he's just saying things because he wants sex. There will be days where he won't be affectionate at all, but suddenly all over me and trying to initiate it. I end up pushing him away at times and that's what led to all of this.


----------



## 8yearscheating

snowy13 said:


> Thank you, both of you. As I said, I would never act on anything - my thoughts have not even gone that far, it's just nice to be noticed again.
> 
> My self-esteem is very low, always has been. I know that is something I need to focus on and this whole situation has made it so much worse.
> 
> 8years, you are right. I often wonder and compare myself to the OW. I have seen pictures of her and do not think she's very pretty at all - same with the girl my H cheated on me with several years ago. That goes right back to my self-esteem. It makes me question how my H really thinks about me. When he says I'm beautiful, does he mean it? *It bothers me severely when my wife questions if I mean this. Since the A, I have told her repeatedly and asked her - why can't you accept that I really do mean it - it's from my heart. Then I blow it and ask - Why did you have to go to someone else to feel good about yourself? What can I do to make you believe you are the most gorgeous woman in the world to me?* If I am hard on myself because I'm not happy with my look or weight and he says no matter what he always loves how I look - is he just saying that?*My wife has told me she is not pleased with herself and won't believe me until she can slim down and feel good about herself. This tears my heart out! She has been told she is morbidly obese becuase of all of her kne and achilles tendon problems over the last year and severe lack of activity. You know what - SHE IS STILL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO ME AND YES I MEAN IT. I LOVE HER!!!!* There are times I feel like he's just saying things because he wants sex. *I'm ALWAYS horny and my wife - not so much. But I never give compliments just trying to get in her pants. He means th comliments, he loves you - trust me.* There will be days where he won't be affectionate at all, but suddenly all over me and trying to initiate it. *WE men are linear thinkers. We get focused on something and the rest of the world disappears from view. We get REALlY focused on something and we are on a different planet. Want to bring him back to earth? Walk up and blow some sweet nothings in his ear and grab his crotch - the rest of the world will instantly disappear and he'll be back on earth solely focused on you.* I end up pushing him away at times and that's what led to all of this.


*DOn't ever have sex or get close when you don't feel it. For me, being "serviced" with no feeling is not enjoyable. For some men, they will take anything they can get. I posted the following about men's feelings about sex a while ago. When I first read it, the first question I asked myself is why don't women believe this about us? Here it is:*

10 Things Guys Wish Women Knew about Men 
Written by Jim Burns
It is likely no surprise to you that God has wired women and men differently. We all recognize some of these differences, but others often hide in plain sight. Shaunti Feldhahn, a nationally syndicated newspaper columnist, author and speaker recently wrote a fantastic book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. In it, she recounts the surprising truths she learned about men after interviewing more than one thousand of them. Not long ago, I had the opportunity to interview Shaunti for our radio broadcast, HomeWord with Jim Burns. In our discussion, we spoke about ten things guys wish women knew about men. I think you’ll find these ten things fascinating! Even more, I believe that in understanding these issues, you’ll be equipped to lead your marriage to a better place!


Men would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. Husbands need to know that their wives respect them both privately and publicly. Men thrive when they know that their wives trust them, admire them and believe in them. Shaunti Feldhahn’s research indicated that men would rather sense the loss of loving feelings from their wives than to be disrespected by them.
A man’s anger is often a response to feeling disrespected by his wife. When a husband becomes angry with his wife, he may not come out and say, “You’re disrespecting me!” But, there is a good likelihood that he is feeling stung by something his wife has done which he considers disrespectful and humiliating.
Men are insecure. Men are afraid that they aren’t cutting it in life — not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don’t receive this affirmation from their wives, they’ll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
Men feel the burden of being the provider for their family. Intellectually, it doesn’t matter how much or little a man makes, or whether or not his wife makes more or less money in her career. Men simply bear the emotional burden of providing for their family. It’s not a burden they’ve chosen to bear. Men are simply wired with this burden. As such, it is never far from their minds and can result in the feeling of being trapped. While wives cannot release their husbands from this burden, they can relieve it through a healthy dose of appreciation, encouragement and support.
Men want more sex. Everyone’s natural response to this is probably, “Duh!” But, that response is probably for the wrong reason. We primarily assume that men want more sex with their wives due to their physical wiring (their “needs”). But, surprisingly, Shaunti Feldhahn’s research showed that the reason men want more sex is because of their strong need to be desired by their wives. Men simply need to be wanted. Regular, fulfilling sex is critical to a man’s sense of feeling loved and desired.
Sex means more than sex. When men feel their wives desire them sexually, it has a profound effect on the rest of their lives. It gives them an increasing sense of confidence and well-being that carries over into every other area of his life. The flipside of this coin also carries a profoundly negative affect. When a husband feels rejected sexually, he not only feels his wife is rejecting him physically, but that she is somehow rejecting his life as a husband, provider and man. This is why making sex a priority in marriage is so incredibly important!
Men struggle with visual temptation. This means the vast majority of men respond to visual images when it comes to women. And, this doesn’t just mean the guys with wandering eyes. Even the most godly husband cannot avoid noticing a woman who dresses in a way that draws attention to her body. Even if it is just a glance, these visual images are stored away in the male brain as a sort of “visual rolodex” that will reappear without any warning. Men can choose whether to dwell on these images and memories or dismiss them, but they can’t control when these images appear.
Men enjoy romance, but doubt their skills to be romantic. True, many men appear to be unromantic clods, but it doesn’t mean that they want to be that way! Men want to be romantic, but they just doubt their ability to pull it off. They are plagued by internal hesitations, perceiving the risk of humiliation and failure as too high. Wives can do a great deal to increase their husbands’ confidence in their romantic skills through encouragement and redefining what romance looks like. For example, a wife may balk when her husband asks her to go along to the hardware store, but it’s likely that he’s asking because he sees it as a time they can get away as a couple and hang out together. What’s not romantic about that?
Men care about their wife’s appearance. This isn’t saying that all men want their wives to look like the latest supermodel. What men really want is to know that their wives are making an effort to take care of themselves (and not letting themselves go) because it matters to them (the husbands!). Husbands appreciate the efforts their wives make to maintain their attractiveness.
Men want their wives to know how much they love them. This was the number one response of men. Men aren’t confident in their ability to express this, but they love their wives dearly. Men want to show how much they love their wives and long for them to understand this fact.


----------



## snowy13

Thanks 8 years... I skimmed over it but will look at it more closely later or tomorrow when I know I can truly focus on it and take it all in.


----------



## snowy13

Thanks again 8 years. I know I will refer back to that again and again. I just can't get past this feeling I have been having. I am unhappy at the moment. I don't know if it's because the birth of the child is coming soon and there's a lot weighing on that - or am I truly unhappy and moving in a new direction?


----------



## turnera

Change is always preceded by discomfort.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Change is always preceded by discomfort.


Sorry, it's been a long week... could you be a little more specific?


----------



## turnera

It's been surmised that we, as humans, keep to our comfort patterns. Even if they are harmful to us. We ARE creatures of comfort. That means no change. Tried to true, trusted, what works with the synapses of our brains (read Emotional Alchemy).

We continue on, even in bad patterns...until we don't. 

Why don't we continue? Because, subconsciously, we're coming to the realization that something is off. The oxygen is gone and we don't have our masks on. But it's so comfortable to remain in our seats, drowsing away, even if we know we should get up and put that mask on.

It's not until your level of COMFORT - benevolent or not - starts to cause you DIScomfort, in teeny tiny ways (think conscience), that you are willing to consider making a change. Else, why would you?

You're unhappy at the moment. Go against the norm and slow down, meditate, and ACCEPT that you're unhappy, and dwell on WHY. That answer will be the guide to what you need to do to BECOME happy.

There's a poster on another thread who just admitted that she can't do yoga because it leaves too much time for thinking. And she specifically avoids thinking, because that's when she gets upset. Well, duh! Do you want to continue to run from your uncomfortable feelings so you can avoid discomfort (and the epiphany that will follow it)? Or do you want to slow down, embrace them, and find out what they're telling you?


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> It's been surmised that we, as humans, keep to our comfort patterns. Even if they are harmful to us. We ARE creatures of comfort. That means no change. Tried to true, trusted, what works with the synapses of our brains (read Emotional Alchemy).
> 
> We continue on, even in bad patterns...until we don't.
> 
> Why don't we continue? Because, subconsciously, we're coming to the realization that something is off. The oxygen is gone and we don't have our masks on. But it's so comfortable to remain in our seats, drowsing away, even if we know we should get up and put that mask on.
> 
> It's not until your level of COMFORT - benevolent or not - starts to cause you DIScomfort, in teeny tiny ways (think conscience), that you are willing to consider making a change. Else, why would you?
> 
> You're unhappy at the moment. Go against the norm and slow down, meditate, and ACCEPT that you're unhappy, and dwell on WHY. That answer will be the guide to what you need to do to BECOME happy.
> 
> There's a poster on another thread who just admitted that she can't do yoga because it leaves too much time for thinking. And she specifically avoids thinking, because that's when she gets upset. Well, duh! Do you want to continue to run from your uncomfortable feelings so you can avoid discomfort (and the epiphany that will follow it)? Or do you want to slow down, embrace them, and find out what they're telling you?


Creatures of comfort is exactly right. He is the only real relationship I have ever had and stepping away from that scares me and I know that is clouding my judgement about what to do. Stay and work on it, go and forget him?


----------



## turnera

There ARE other options. Go, and let him know you will consider dating him, so that he can show you he can become the partner you need. From a distance. He won't respect you until YOU do.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> There ARE other options. Go, and let him know you will consider dating him, so that he can show you he can become the partner you need. From a distance. He won't respect you until YOU do.


I have thought about that - but I don't really have anywhere to go right now.


----------



## turnera

Then start planning. Put money aside. Go to United Way and see what they can do to help you financially. Look into college courses to get a better job. Make a plan.


----------



## snowy13

I have started, I am enrolled in a fall course which will move me up at my job. I have to figure out what I want to do next as far as staying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 8yearscheating

State what you need and say when you show action we can think about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

It has been some time since I have been on. I was trying not to focus so much on everything, staying off this site - have not looked at the phone records, etc. Things seemed to be going ok for a little bit but now they have all come crashing down again.

She had the baby and won't stop contacting him and sending pictures. He's once again 100% convinced it's his even though he hasn't been tested yet.

To make it worse, I signed onto FB and saw a friend of his posted "congrats on the cute baby" on his wall. How embarrassing that not only is he telling people he had a baby, but it's public now.


----------



## pidge70

Oh cripes, I'm so sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

He keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me, but then pulls crap like this.


----------



## Shaggy

When will the DNA test be ready?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

He's going up there this weekend.

He says the pictures look just like him, but he won't let me see them.


----------



## Shaggy

Is there any reason to test to see if the baby is yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Impossible, he knocked up another woman.


----------



## Shaggy

Snowy. I'm so sorry. I was confused with another poster who's wife was with the OMs baby. I hope I didn't upset you. I'm very sorry if I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

You didn't - sorry it was a snippy reply.

How long does the test take? Doesn't it take days?

I kept saying to have his dna/blood taken from his dr and the results sent to hers, then her dr can contact him when the results are back.


----------



## turnera

Are you going with him?


----------



## snowy13

No. I told him I want someone like his Dad to go because I can't trust him going alone.


----------



## snowy13

I have all these thoughts running through my head and I just want to write to her and let her know how I feel and how much I hate her. Now 3 kids all with different dads... what a great role model!


----------



## turnera

Wait until you have everything resolved.


----------



## snowy13

I don't know if things will ever really be resolved. I feel like I wasted 11 years of my life - I'm lost and don't know what direction to go anymore. I feel like there is no one to talk to about any of this and once my family knows there are certain people who will never let it go.


----------



## turnera

I know that feeling. My family hates my husband. He's done a lot of stupid things. But they respected me enough to let me do what I needed to do, you know? When I finally started talking to my mom, nearly 30 years after marrying him, I was so shocked to find out that I could have come to her any time and she would have just supported me. Trust your family and friends to do the same. Don't waste your life based on what you worry about.


----------



## snowy13

I just wish I knew who to turn to. My H is my best friend (or I used to think so) and clearly I can't talk to him. My best friend I've known 20 years is so judgmental, I don't even want to talk to her. Thank you for your help - I'm sorry but would you mind a quick refresher on your situation?


----------



## turnera

Married 30 years, I was raised to be quiet and not ask for much, so when I married him I did just that. I tried to get what I wanted by jerking at his emotions, but that didn't work, so I just got more and more quiet (he's very talkative); he never noticed. If I did talk, he'd get bored and talk over me. With his insecurity, he wanted me away from my family so whenever an opportunity came up to be around them, he'd make life miserable. I spent most of the first 20 years torn between keeping THEM happy (as I'd been raised) and keeping HIM happy. No time for me. I got sadder and sadder. Missed out on a lot of family trips and things because he always had an excuse why we couldn't go, and I was too weak to stand up for myself. Yet, he loves me to death; it wasn't his fault I couldn't speak up. Now I'm learning. But I missed out on a LOT of things I wanted in life because I couldn't speak up. And I was too ashamed to admit my problems - to family, to friends...I suffered in silence. When, in reality, they were there for me, but felt they couldn't come forward because I didn't.


----------



## turnera

Maybe an aunt or uncle? A cousin? A teacher? Surely there's someone in your life you feel at peace with?


----------



## turnera

Forgot to add that, because of my past, my quietness, I'm a huge proponent around here for getting people to stand up for themselves. So they don't waste their lives like I did, being afraid. If you hadn't noticed, lol.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Maybe an aunt or uncle? A cousin? A teacher? Surely there's someone in your life you feel at peace with?


I think I may know of someone, I just need to get passed being scared to share such a hurtful and embarrassing situation.

I know just what you mean about being quiet. My H is actually the only person I really share things with, but it took a long time, and now I'm holding back again.


----------



## snowy13

Am I being childish? I have not spoken to my H since late afternoon Friday. He has sent a few texts but I have no replied. I don't know what else to do to make it clear how upset I am with him and his continued actions will not be tolerated.


----------



## turnera

Silent treatment isn't enough. They aren't mind readers. You truly do have to say exactly what you're upset about, and usually three or four times, for them to understand. Just giving silent treatment isn't exactly childish, but it is ineffective.


----------



## snowy13

I do see what you're saying, but I also feel like a broken record - all I have done is say how I feel and it just doesn't seem to matter. I am house sitting for a friend and haven't been home in 5 days. I guess out of sight out of mind for him.

I'm so afraid to lose him and start over, but how am I being fair to myself to let him continue to do this stuff to me?


----------



## southernmagnolia

snowy13 said:


> I do see what you're saying, but I also feel like a broken record - all I have done is say how I feel and it just doesn't seem to matter. I am house sitting for a friend and haven't been home in 5 days. I guess out of sight out of mind for him.
> 
> I'm so afraid to lose him and start over, but how am I being fair to myself to let him continue to do this stuff to me?


I haven't read the whole thread so I apolgize, but I did notice that it's been going on for months. 

It's terrible to be so afraid to make the change that you need to, but feel paralyzed to make. BTDT. I'm sorry you find yourself in that spot, but yet you can get out from under this if you choose to. You are stronger than you realize, I mean look at what you've survived so far.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> I do see what you're saying, but I also feel like a broken record - all I have done is say how I feel and it just doesn't seem to matter. I am house sitting for a friend and haven't been home in 5 days. I guess out of sight out of mind for him.
> 
> I'm so afraid to lose him and start over, but how am I being fair to myself to let him continue to do this stuff to me?


 IMO...NOW you are beginning to ask the right questions. And THESE questions need to be relayed to HIM.

The story of the unhappy wife who endures and endures...and then finally, with absolutely no love left for her husband...who leaves him...and all the time he frankly had no idea.

The ONLY times I've seen a successful ending is when the wife tells the husband BEFORE she completely falls out of love, that she will leave if he doesn't change.

Are you willing to do that?


----------



## snowy13

There are so many factors. It's not just that he cheated and lied about things. But now there's a baby and he's so set that it's his without proof yet (unless he's lying about that too).

I can't just try and work on the cheating and forgiveness, but the fact that this child will always be around now too.

I'm just so angry with him!


----------



## turnera

snowy, that isn't the real issue.

The real issue is that he CHEATED ON YOU and now he is not DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

He is still cheating on you - even if just emotionally.

Until you stand up for yourself, you will aways be THIRD in your relationship. Or FOURTH.


----------



## turnera

If he really cared about YOU and not HIMSELF - this woman AND her child would be way way way way way back in the background of y'all's lives.

But it isn't.

And I know why.

Because he cheated, you took him back, and caused him no trouble.

You are just the woman who occasionally gripes but is COMPLETELY CONTROLLABLE in his life. You're the fly bugging around his head, as he lives the life he wants to live.

Is that who you want to be?


----------



## snowy13

No it's not who I want to be. I've tired the whole "if you can't change what you're doing and show me I'm first I'm leaving" but it hasn't done anything.

Two weeks ago he was pretty drunk and we we coming home from a wedding, he broke down crying in the car saying he was so sorry and hated himself for what he did. He cried once when the bride and groom had their first dance too. I don't know how to take this...


----------



## turnera

fwiw, I believe him. I believe he has doubts. We ALL do. We ALL hate ourselves and have a constant fight over how to move forward. 

But it's our choices that determine who we are. If his choices don't put YOU first, ahead of OW, ahead of BC, then he is the wrong man for you.


----------



## snowy13

I feel he means it too... I am just so confused with all this.


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> I feel he means it too... I am just so confused with all this.


Whose name did she put on birth certificate for father?
Snowy, it's time. You've been disrespected far too long. Lie after lie. Did I read he also cheated a few years before her too? How did that end? Did you catch him? Are you sure he got the STD from her?
He does what he wants and plays dumb when caught. 'oh, I got a secret second cell to contact her privately from you. You're not ok with that? Oopsy, my bad' 
Ever hear the saying, 'for every rat you see, there's 50 more'? I think that applies to you.
You sound like a thoughtful, loving, caring, smart woman who just hooked up with the wrong man too young. You don't deserve this.
This crazy lady lied from day one. I just had my 4th baby and her heartbeat, ultrasound crap was just crap.
Your best bet may be to just walk away for now. Tell H until you get paternity results back from clinic (not passed through crazy lady's hands), don't call me. That stand should have happened long ago. He wouldn't do it to her, so you had to do it to him.
Your husband is really discounting your feelings here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Snow, I am sorry you're still in this predicament.

When do you get the paternity results?



turnera said:


> snowy, that isn't the real issue.
> 
> The real issue is that he CHEATED ON YOU and now he is not DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.





golfergirl said:


> Your best bet may be to just walk away for now. Tell H until you get paternity results back from clinic (not passed through crazy lady's hands), don't call me.


:iagree: with both of these posts.


----------



## snowy13

He just text me and said he spoke to the dr and has the results, he also asked that they be sent to him in the mail so he has it in print too.


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> He just text me and said he spoke to the dr and has the results, he also asked that they be sent to him in the mail so he has it in print too.


Is it his baby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Just got another text, yes it's his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

snowy13 said:


> Just got another text, yes it's his.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> Just got another text, yes it's his.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Snowy, I'm so sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

((((( Snowy ))))))

Big hugs to you, girl. My thoughts are with you.

Does the OW's husband know it's your husband's?


----------



## snowy13

I feel like everything is falling apart... they say when it rains it pours! The worst day of my life was 3 years ago when my mom committed suicide and things just keep spiraling down hill from there.


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy--I always forget that you have only been married for a YEAR.

And your husband's first child is going to be with a married woman he had a one night stand with.

I know it's up to you to decide but I would urge you to seriously consider whether you want to stay married to him. This is by far the ultimate disrespect. Does the OW's husband know???

Stay strong! You can and will get past this!!!


----------



## snowy13

Yes, the OW's H knows. We may have only been married a year, but together for over 11.


----------



## Jellybeans

I know, sweetie. I am so sorry.

Have you ever talked to OW's husband?

Has your H called you again??


----------



## snowy13

He's texting me right now. First he said he wants the baby to come this weekend... I said no, not yet. Then he said doesn't want me to stay - I told him I don't think I can, and he asked why!! He asked if i would ever talk to him again, I just said I don't know.


----------



## Jellybeans

Where is he right now?


----------



## snowy13

Work


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy--you deserve a lot better than this situation. I just want you to knwo that I feel very much for you right now and you are definitely in my thoughts. I am sending you a MASSIVE hug, ok?

You are better than this situation. Don't you ever forget that.


----------



## golfergirl

Jellybeans said:


> Where is he
> right now?


I was so hoping the baby wasn't his. But you know what? The baby is only part of your problem! The repeated cheating (twice in 3 years if I recall), the repeated contact with OW, the sneaky behaviour and lies. Maybe this is what you need for fresh start? Maybe it isn't time to think this way but if it wasn't his baby, you'd think the hurdle was over and not deal with his other crap!
I'm sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I know I need time to get my head strait, but it's also my dad's wedding in two weeks... I don't want to burden him with this right before the big day.

If I tell him and my H comes so people don't ask questions about where he is, then that's pressure on my dad. If my H doesn't come, the whole day will be filled with people asking why he's not there.


----------



## WhereAmI

As a parent (to admittedly much younger children) I would want to know ASAP regardless of what was going on in my life. You aren't ruining their happiness. Your Dad loves you and doesn't want you to live a farce just to appease him. Take care of yourself, Snowy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl

WhereAmI said:


> As a parent (to admittedly much younger children) I would want to know ASAP regardless of what was going on in my life. You aren't ruining their happiness. Your Dad loves you and doesn't want you to live a farce just to appease him. Take care of yourself, Snowy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Please don't make excuses just do it. If not ready to tell H can be 'sick' for wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I think you two need a separation. I don't see any concern in him for YOU; only himself. He's worried you won't see him? Boo hoo. 

Make him EARN YOU.

Tell him you will have nothing to do with him until you see, in writing, a legal document stating that, while he may send financial support for this baby, it will NOT be in your lives and he will NOT be in contact with its mother; and, if he does do these things, he forfeits everything you two have earned. It's called a postnup agreement; if he won't do it, you don't need to be married because he is choosing himself over you. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this is truly your only chance of getting this right. If you wait, if you waver, HE will set the tone for the next 50 years of your life (with his BC in your lives), and YOU will always be second best. You deserve better than that, snowy.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> If my H doesn't come, the whole day will be filled with people asking why he's not there.


Trust me - the day will NOT be filled with people asking. You will tell one person and within 30 minutes, the entire party will know. And they'll leave you alone if you ask them to.


----------



## snowy13

He wants to be part of the child's life, and I don't have the right to ask him not to be.


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> He wants to be part of the child's life, and I don't have the right to ask him not to be.


But you have the right to say, 'I can't do it'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy, get the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson.

Heed the advice.

Your husband hasn't put your needs first for a LONG time.

I am with Turnera on this -- you should separate for him. 

As for dad's wedding--I wouldn't lie to people. I would say "H and i are separated" or "H isn't going to make it." People WILL suspect something or think something's weird if he doesn't come to his own father in laws' wedding. But people do always talk. I just wouldn't lie to cover his a$$ anymore. He has disrespected you so badly, girl!


----------



## Jellybeans

golfergirl said:


> But you have the right to say, 'I can't do it'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly! You have the right to remove yourself from this situation altogether! You don't have to deal w/ this at all!


----------



## snowy13

Jellybeans said:


> Exactly! You have the right to remove yourself from this situation altogether! You don't have to deal w/ this at all!


That was the last thing I said to him this afternoon, I also asked how could he possibly expect something like that from me after all he did.


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> That was the last thing I said to him this afternoon, I also asked how could he possibly expect something like that from me after all he did.


I was a stepmom. I walked into it fully aware that these children existed. It was hard. The contact between my H and his ex. And it kind of hurt having our children knowing he'd been through it before. Not huge, crushing jealousy, but a niggle wishing I was the first my H experienced this with! I can't imagine being in your shoes. It must hurt like hell. No one would blame you for choosing not to deal with this. You don't deserve this. The baby is only a small part of the equation, the lies and disrespect is the majority. I know caught in the middle it would be easy to think all would have been well if baby wasn't his, but he has a whole other mess of character flaws. Was baby a boy like she said at 5 weeks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Was baby a boy like she said at 5 weeks?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Yes, which almost makes it harder. I feel like his dreams are coming true. He was adopted and always wanted a family of his own. I wanted to wait but he was ready, and he has always dreamed of having a son.


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> Was baby a boy like she said at 5 weeks?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, which almost makes it harder. I feel like his dreams are coming true. He was adopted and always wanted a family of his own. I wanted to wait but he was ready, and he has always dreamed of having a son.[/QUOTE]

How does he propose this works or you haven't gone there yet? What does this OW want? Your H to be involved or her and your H as the happy family?
What are you thinking right now? What do you want - not wishing away what's there, but with the way the chips fell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I know she wants them to be a family... she has not hid that fact over the last several months. He swears to be up and down he wants nothing to do with her, but won't turn his back on this child.

I don't know what he wants or how he thinks this can possibly work.


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> I know she wants them to be a family... she has not hid that fact over the last several months. He swears to be up and down he wants nothing to do with her, but won't turn his back on this child.
> 
> I don't know what he wants or how he thinks this can possibly work.


Being child is so young he has to deal with her. If she chooses to breastfeed, anytime your H spends with baby is with her. I would separate from H and wait until he proposes how this will work with minimal contact with her. He was there every step of the way during pregnancy so how about now? 
He doesn't seem to take action unless you push. If you stay, he'll do what he wants and placate you when you snap. He's got you, he knows it and knows how to play it. You have to push him for any kind of solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> That was the last thing I said to him this afternoon, I also asked how could he possibly expect something like that from me after all he did.


And what was his answer?


----------



## snowy13

He just said he wants me to believe him that he wants to work on this and please stay.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> He wants to be part of the child's life, and I don't have the right to ask him not to be.


 That's bullsh*t. You DO have the right to ask him not to be IF HE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED TO YOU.

Honestly, I don't see how your marriage can survive. I'm sorry to say it, but he is NOT putting you first, second, or even third, snowy. You're there at the back of the line with your hand out, right behind himself, the baby, and OW.

I'm sorry to sound rude, but if you stay with him and accept his arrangement, you are setting yourself up for the most miserable next 40-50 years you can imagine. Your marriage will NEVER get the care and respect it deserves because you settled, you caved, just to keep him from leaving you. And he'll know it, she'll know it, everyone will know it, and treat you accordingly. For the rest of your life.

And for him to embrace this baby that is NOT his wife's baby after everything he's done to you and after everything you've told him you need is just unforgivable. Unforgivable.


----------



## snowy13

I may not have been clear... he didn't say I didn't have the right to ask... that's what I think.

I told him he should go stay with his dad. His stepmom won't let him because of all this.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> He just said he wants me to believe him that he wants to work on this and please stay.


 Believe what? That he'll put you first? He already proved he won't do that.

Do what you want? Won't do that either.

Stay away from OW? Hasn't even come close to doing that.

There's nothing to believe here, snowy. You're just supposed to sit there and accept whatever he wants because he's the man and you're just a woman. meh


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Believe what? That he'll put you first? He already proved he won't do that.
> 
> Do what you want? Won't do that either.
> 
> Stay away from OW? Hasn't even come close to doing that.
> 
> There's nothing to believe here, snowy. You're just supposed to sit there and accept whatever he wants because he's the man and you're just a woman. meh


Right, I told him it's pretty late for him to be asking this of me now.


----------



## turnera

snowy13 said:


> I may not have been clear... he didn't say I didn't have the right to ask... that's what I think.
> 
> I told him he should go stay with his dad. His stepmom won't let him because of all this.


 I know that's what you meant. And I'm telling you it's bullsh*t. What is a marriage, snowy? It's putting your wife/husband first, ahead of all others. He is not doing that. Even if this child is of his blood, it doesn't mean he has to be part of that child's life. I don't usually express that, I usually put children first, but this is a nightmare waiting to happen and if he stays with you, and stays in the baby's life, the BABY will be in for a miserable, doubt-ridden life.


----------



## snowy13

I guess I'll just have to see what he says when I actually speak to him face to face.


----------



## snowy13

I have been house sitting for a friend and not home since wed, haven't seen or spoke to him (other then today's texts) since fri... I'll be going home soon and don't know what I'll be walking in to. If there's ever going to be a productive discussion I need to keep a cool head, but I don't know if I can do that right now.


----------



## turnera

Ask someone to go with you so they can get you out of the house.


----------



## snowy13

I'm not afraid of something happening, there just won't be progress tonight. That may be better I guess... get over the step of seeing him, talk tomorrow.


----------



## snowy13

So I got home, brought my stuff in from the car,and went right to the bedroom. A few minutes later he came in, sat on the other side and asked what it is I need him to change.

I broke down bawling right away, asked him how he can ask that now. Then said to just leave me a lone.

He left after a few minutes but came back about a half hour later. We talked about some things but didn't really get anywhere. The one thing I said to start it all off was show me he doesn't need to be in contact with the OW and that he can go all week without contact. We'll see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl

snowy13 said:


> So I got home, brought my stuff in from the car,and went right to the bedroom. A few minutes later he came in, sat on the other side and asked what it is I need him to change.
> 
> I broke down bawling right away, asked him how he can ask that now. Then said to just leave me a lone.
> 
> He left after a few minutes but came back about a half hour later. We talked about some things but didn't really get anywhere. The one thing I said to start it all off was show me he doesn't need to be in contact with the OW and that he can go all week without contact. We'll see.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish you strength
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Thank you, really don't know where to go from here but I can't make a decision in the heat of the moment. Need to take a few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

It's over, I have started the divorce process and will be moving out. My H went from crying and wanting to staying with me to blaming me and saying I am preventing him from seeing his son.

I can't put myself through this anymore. My dad is out of town until Thursday, I will go over there and ask to move back in.


----------



## turnera

{{{snowy}}} 

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you. Just know that nothing is permanent. Even if you divorce, he may someday see the light and learn. Of course, you may have moved on to a wonderful partner by then, but who knows? I'm glad you're taking care of you.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you. I really don't know how it will hit me until I say the words a take the steps to move.


----------



## pidge70

I am so sorry. I wish I could help you in some way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

If you need a break, you can always come to Houston. 

Of course, it's the middle of September and we're still having 105 degree weather.


----------



## snowy13

Haha, well thank you. I have always wanted to visit there... maybe I'll have to make a trip a priority now.


----------



## snowy13

Do people/couples ever attend counseling together while going through a divorce or even after? There are still so many unanswered questions and hurt feelings and I feel one of the only ways to resolve things is through this route.


----------



## Jellybeans

snowy13 said:


> Do people/couples ever attend counseling together while going through a divorce or even after?


We did. In hindsight, I think it was a waste of time being that the divore was already filed by then.


----------



## Jellybeans

snowy13 said:


> It's over, I have started the divorce process and will be moving out. My H went from crying and wanting to staying with me to blaming me and saying I am preventing him from seeing his son.
> 
> I can't put myself through this anymore. My dad is out of town until Thursday, I will go over there and ask to move back in.


I read your posts in reverse so I just saw this. I think you're doing the right thing. You have been through so muchwith this guy and you deserve so much better. Infinitely better. Take care of yourself. 

When will you be moving out? Do you have a place to stay already? Be wary that you moving out isn't seen as "abandonment." Talk to your lawyer and tell him/her of the situation. 

Did you have him served yet?

How long were you married?

Oh and in your case I would NOT recommend couples counselling. I would just ask him straight up the questions you want to have answered. Be advised--his answers will prob never be satisfactory to you or acceptable because how how massive his betrayal was. Know he may not tell you the truth, even after the fact.


----------



## snowy13

When will you be moving out? Do you have a place to stay already? Be wary that you moving out isn't seen as "abandonment." Talk to your lawyer and tell him/her of the situation. 

Did you have him served yet?

How long were you married?


I will be moving to my Dad's hopefully this weekend or early next week. I do not have a lawyer but in our state since we have not been married very long (1 yr 4 mo) and have basically nothing (no assets, etc) we can file a "Summary dissolution" meaning neither of us will be served, we fill out the paperwork and sign it with a notary and file with the court. After 30 days we will receive a letter stating the marriage has been dissolved.


----------



## snowy13

I told my dad tonight. He was truly shocked but he did not react how I expected. I guess I don't know what I was expecting, he's just hurting for me.

While I'm at work tomorrow he is going to come with a friend and move my furniture, then I'll meet him tomorrow afternoon to take care of the rest of my stuff.

There is still a lot to take care of other then "stuff", but it's a start.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hey Snowy. Good for you for making moves to get on with your live.

That is a lot to deal with in a short time. 

Hae you talked to your H at all lately?

How did your dad react? 

It sounds like you have a good support system. Always a great thing


----------



## turnera

Great to have a dad like that. Every time I asked my dad for help he flat out told me he couldn't. But he bent over backwards to help my step-brother. Be grateful for him.


----------



## snowy13

Jellybeans said:


> Hey Snowy. Good for you for making moves to get on with your live.
> 
> That is a lot to deal with in a short time.
> 
> Hae you talked to your H at all lately?
> 
> How did your dad react?
> 
> It sounds like you have a good support system. Always a great thing


I spoke to him tonight. He helped me pack some things last night and called after work to make sure everything went ok.

Turnera, you are right. I have always known my Dad is a great man and I never should have second guessed his reaction. I knew he would always support me, I just couldn't come out and say it. It will be a while to see how I truely feel, but tonight I feel like part of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


----------



## turnera

And that...is priceless.

My dad left when I was 12. He remarried when I was 16 and told me that, since I could now drive, if I wanted to see him, I could drive to HIM (picture his wife whispering in his ears). When I was 18, my mom moved away; I tried to pay for an apartment and a new car (my fiance told me to buy) and couldn't afford it; I asked dad for help - sorry, no money. The same year, he adopted my stepbrother. I worked full time and went to night school, at one point humiliated myself and asked him for help, he said I could live in his house. His stepson was in the Navy - either that or go to prison for drugs. I graduated after 13 years of night school and couldn't get into NASA (where my dad worked) and asked him to give me a reference letter - just a LETTER! - he said he couldn't. I got my career started on my own. After my stepbrother got out of the Navy after 10 years, dad called up a friend he hadn't spoken to in 20 years and asked him to get him a job at the nuclear power plant - where stepbrother has now been for 20 years.

Be very grateful that you have someone to lean on. He sounds like a great man, indeed.


----------



## snowy13

Very sorry that you do not have the support from your Dad, especially in times when you really needed it.

My Dad even told my sisters and grandparents for me. I know he can't tell everyone, but that helped to get the ball rolling.

I am going to let coworkers know this week and I know word will spread quickly among both family and friends. I'm doing ok right now, but we'll see how I feel in the next several days.


----------



## snowy13

So it's been a week since I moved out. It only took a few days for my H to change his relationship status on facebook from married to single, friend the OW, and post a pic of the baby.

I guess this shouldn't surprise me, but it still hurts. Did he really mean the things he said about trying to work it out and not wanting anything to do with the OW?

She commented on his relationship change too... "I didn't know you were singel, lol!"

I want to go off on her so bad... what kind of person finds this funny!


----------



## Jellybeans

Eww. They are both disgusting. And now you know it never ended between them. They are both supreme ahole*s. You should post them both on cheaterville.com. what happened with her husband? I would talk to ur stbx at all unless its about the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70

I was wondering the same thing. What the heck is the OW's husband thinking about all this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I do not know what he thinks about it all. Last I heard (whether it's true or not) is that he's still living with her and the kids but they're divorced.


----------



## snowy13

So this past weekend the OW stayed with my H along with the baby and her other 2 kids. Eeww! Sunday afternoon he text me asking what I was doing and if I wanted to come over and watch the football game. My honest response... "Now that you're girlfriend is gone you're looking for company?" I let him know how disgusted I was at the fact that she stayed there, and how I shouldn't be surprised about the facebook stuff he did.

Then this morning I wake up to texts from him saying how much he misses me, he's miserable without me and can't sleep. He said he'll do whatever it takes to get me back. There were some exchanges while I was trying to get ready for work, then at lunch I had a long e-mail from him. We talked after work too.

I don't know what to think at all. I said I can't ever trust him again. I told him how he always does this... says he wants to fix things, really sorry, etc. but then he just goes back to the same ways.

I said I stayed around too long and let him walk all over me, why should I give him any chances now?

Sorry for the length, it's just really confusing, but honestly after our conversation I just felt angry.


----------



## turnera

You should be angry. He's one of those people who just does what he has to do to get what he wants, and what's good for someone else never enters his mind. Tell him that if he can stay celibate and dateless for 6 months, to prove himself, then maybe you'll consider him again.


----------



## Shaggy

Snowy, no one who was worthy of your love would act the way he has. Time for you to upgrade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Shaggy said:


> Snowy, no one who was worthy of your love would act the way he has. Time for you to upgrade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I told him... how can I believe what you're saying now when you have said it time and time again and nothing changed.

Turnera, that's a possible suggestion, we'll see how hard he keeps pushing this over the next few days.


----------



## turnera

Some people lie at the drop of a hat to make their lives easier. Other people make up promises, the same way. Yours is the latter.

Or both.


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy, he is lucky you didn't go psycho on him and bust all the windows out of his car (Note: I am NOT advocating this, but it seems like a fun fantasy) 

Seriously. He's such a trollop. 

I'm not surprising his spinning now. He has neve rknown WTF he has wanted. release yourself from this man. You deserve better. he can't even follow one train of thought. Geez--you moved out an dnot a week later he's "single" all over the internets and having the nasty OW over at your marital home. What a turd. 

Let them have eachother. It truly is the best revenge.

His conscience will catch up with him eventually. Not now because he's still vacillating and hasn't felt fully waht he's done and is busying up free time with teh skank married other woman/babymomma. But eventually, the weight and gravity of what he has done WILL come down on him hard. It will suck for him. A guilty conscience is a motherf-cker.


----------



## snowy13

It's hard and definitely messing with my emotions. He went from letting her come there, adding her on facebook, to deleting her from his account along with the mean comments and has been texting and e-mailing me for two days.


----------



## Jellybeans

What? What kind of things is she textingyou? Don't write back to her! Let us know what she's said and we'll help you respond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Sorry, I mean my H has been texting. I really want to say something to her but that's probably taking the low road.

I have not heard a word from her since I first found out last winter and sent her a mean e-mail.


----------



## turnera

Have you considered that maybe you need to go to Plan B? He is eating cake, even if it's just through texts and emails.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> Have you considered that maybe you need to go to Plan B? He is eating cake, even if it's just through texts and emails.


What do you mean?


----------



## turnera

If you know that you can never accept him as he is, that you are only in pain seeing him without him coming back hat in hand, that life is better moving on than hanging around hoping he'll some day choose you...your best option is to go dark - to Plan B. It entails writing him a letter saying you are moving on, unless he comes to his senses, and that you are saying goodbye. 

You have to be ready; you only get one shot. But it's a very powerful tool - for you AND for him. Giving a Plan B letter gives you back the power he stole when he cheated. It lets you have your self respect back. And it keeps him from eating cake by having you AND his HO feeding his ego.


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy--don't waste your time emailing her. She is not worth any of your time, words, or emails.

As for him, file for divorce and be done. He is nowhere near being ready to make things right with you (if that is even what he wants). He is still acting like a fool who wants the best of both worlds.


----------



## snowy13

I told him that today, I said he has had two extremes when it comes to his behavior in the last two weeks. First, very clear he was single, staying with the OW, etc. Then suddenly remorseful and saying how much he wants me back.

I told him he needs to back off.


----------



## Jellybeans

I am glad you told him that. It's true. He is spinning his wheels and has been for a long time.

You deciding what YOU need right now and telling him is very good for you and your self-esteem. It lets him know you respect yourself and sets a path for you to follow.

Limbo sucks so it's good you've taken the bull by its horns and set out what you need right now.


----------



## Jellybeans

Call up old friends, grab lunch with a girlfriend, exercise, get sunlight, treat yourself to new panties and perfume.


----------



## snowy13

As angry and hurt as I am, I sill feel for him. He told me tonight the OW is filing for full custody. She has wanted him all along and thought since I moved out she was all his. He told her he wants nothing to do with her, deleted her from fb, and said don't ever call or text, you can email only if it has to do with the baby. 2 days later she does this to him, she really is a b****!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

You can't be part of it. This has to be something he deals with on his own, before he even addresses you and whether you'd be willing to take hiim back.


----------



## snowy13

I know, and I didn't offer any help or suggestions. I just told him he needs to figure it out, tell his dad and find a lawyer.


----------



## Jellybeans

Good for not offering help/suggestions.

He is grasping at straws because Reality just hit him over the head.

GOOD.

Ugh.


----------



## snowy13

That b**** OW just sent me a message on facebook. Who does she think she is! She said I need to know the truth about things and she can't believe the things that my H says to her.

I'm not about to help her... I can't trust anything she says! Wow! Sorry, just really upset right now.


----------



## snowy13

Sorry about the venting on here last night. I just needed to get it out and I figured better here then to her right now.

I have not replied, but I did tell my H that I need to see every text and e-mail she sends him from now on, he agreed. I didn't tell him why, or that she contacted me, but I want to see if what she is saying to him is different then the stuff she just sent me.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Vent away , this is your safe haven.

The OW is trying hard to trigger you, she is showing signs of desperation and is attempting to force a widening of the issues between you and your husband.

Ignore her , there is nothing to be said to her.

I suggest you step away from your husband as well, his behaviour has been draining you. Focus on you when you are ready you decide what you want to do .
_Posted via Mobile Device_ edited : typos due to android auto change


----------



## turnera

snowy, instead of telling him he needs to SHOW you everything, why don't you take back control and just tell him that you are installing a keylogger on his computer and his phone (however that works) and that you WILL be monitoring every step he makes from now on for at least the next 6 months. That way, if he and she are still communicating, you can bet something will get shuffled.


----------



## snowy13

He came over tonight and we talked about a few things. I said there will be no questioning of hesitation when I want to see something. I said, if I see you and just pick up your phone, you can't get upset.

I still not tell him my reasoning, I want to wait and see if he follows through, and also what this OW is really saying to him.

I really want to respond to her... is that taking the low road? I don't want to argue, I basically just want to say something along the lines of who do you think you are contacting me and trying to make yourself out to be the good guy. I'm not here to offer you support or accept your apology. ???


----------



## turnera

If I were you, I would let my LAWYER contact her. That would shut her up - and any other outreach - really quickly.


----------



## Jellybeans

I'd be curious about what she has to say. Give her enough rope to hang herself (and him). She might have some tidbits for you he has not told you anything about.


----------



## turnera

Wow, that's actually a good point. I have changed my opinion.

Talk to her. With a recorder.


----------



## Jellybeans

_She said I need to know the truth about things and she can't believe the things that my H says to her._

You could write her back and just say "I am listening. Do tell."

And then let her reveal everything. 

Don't write her back for 24-48 hours after she tells you. No doubt he lied to you both. You can prob learn a lot that happened from her.


----------



## Dadof3

Jellybeans said:


> _She said I need to know the truth about things and she can't believe the things that my H says to her._
> 
> You could write her back and just say "I am listening. Do tell."
> 
> And then let her reveal everything.
> 
> Don't write her back for 24-48 hours after she tells you. No doubt he lied to you both. You can prob learn a lot that happened from her.


:iagree:


----------



## snowy13

So you guys think it would be better to play along and see what she has to say instead of telling her off like the example I wrote earlier?


----------



## Jellybeans

I would totally play along. Like I said, just type what I wrote or something short/similar and let her start blabbing. 

Don't tell your H she contacted you either. Let her talk talk and talk some more. 

When she does respond, don't write her back for about two days and report back with your findings so we can help you respond to her. 

And yes, I know you want to go off on her (and kick her, too) and rightfully so but my guess is she will reveal a lot to you w/o you even saying much other than "I am listening, do tell."

Oh and obviously save copies of whatever she sends you. Could be helpful in a divorce.


----------



## Dadof3

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!


----------



## snowy13

Not even a half hour before her reply. She said she never knew for sure what was going on with my h and I and still doesn't. Now she has a son and has to look out for him. Not asking to be friends but no negativity around him assuming my h and I stay together.

Wow, from what I understand her ex is still living with her and it's a bad environment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70

snowy13 said:


> Not even a half hour before her reply. She said she never knew for sure what was going on with my h and I and still doesn't. Now she has a son and has to look out for him. Not asking to be friends but no negativity around him assuming my h and I stay together.
> 
> Wow, from what I understand her ex is still living with her and it's a bad environment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm sure it is a bad environment. Her H has to deal with the fact his W cheated on him and had another man's baby. I can only guess he is less than pleased.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I'm wondering what this "truth" and whole story she wanted me to know... no mention of any of that.


----------



## Jellybeans

Write her back and say "What is the truth you wanted me to know?"


----------



## Jellybeans

pidge70 said:


> I'm sure it is a bad environment. Her H has to deal with the fact his W cheated on him and had another man's baby. I can only guess he is less than pleased.


Yeah, no sh!t. Awful


----------



## snowy13

I really wish I just told her off... she really is a b***h. Here is her original message she sent: (Sorry for the length, and I took my h's name out and put in ***)

"I know u hate me and I don't blame u! But I think we need 2 talk-i am not and was never out 2 hurt u.I've been told so many different things I dont know what the truth is coming out of *** mouth anymore. I am trully sorry!!!!!!!!!! I would not take his son away regardless of everything else-i wish u knew I am not the person u think I am at all!! I pray everyday wondering what 2 say 2 u-i am soo sorry I really didn't know! If u never respond I understand but think u deserve truth also about everything."

I responded after the advice from here, and last night she replied:

"I'm so sorry u have no idea I really didn't know!!! and still don't know what is going on between you and *** only what he tells me and it doesn't make sence. What I do know is I now have a son who deserves the best regardless of circumstances and if *** continues 2 be a part of his life I assume you would be too. I don't expect to be friends but wish u wouldn't hate me either and understood I really didn't know!didn't mean 2 hurt you!! I don't want any negativity around him,and if *** and u decide 2 not have anything 2 do w/ him then that's ur decision. But I am sorry!!"

I asked her what this whole truth was she wanted me to know, and here is how she replied:

"My last messege didn't make sence 2 u?....never mind can't say I didn't try-hope you and *** work things out now or maybe u2 were never apart then I believed him when I shouldn't have yet again-but at least let him be part of his son's life like he has been and don't hate me please-i didn't know and believed him! Whatever u do I hope u are happy-this sure isn't easy 4 me either u know!!! I'm a good person and trying 2 do the right thing. I know I haven't gotten truth either...."

Wow... stop apologizing, I will never forgive you or accept you. Maybe instead of praying about how to talk to me, pray for forgiveness and change the kind of person you really are.


----------



## Jellybeans

It sounds like her conscience is eating away at her. He either never told her he was married or she is pulling that out of her a$$. She was married too though. When u do write her u should ask...'What is it that he's told you that does not make sense? Did you know he is married?'


----------



## pidge70

From what I gather she did not know he was married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

She knew we were married... my H did lie about some things to her and said things weren't going well we were going to get a divorce. She would say the same things to him. So regardless of how they were both feeling in their relationship, they were both married and knew the other one was too.


----------



## Jellybeans

Her one comment about not knowing u were apart eludes to her maybe thinking you were separated. Nonetheless....she had to know. Plus she was married too! Is she still?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I don't know for sure if she is or not. My H went to see the baby the weekend I moved out... he said the H is still living there but that they are divorced.

I know she knew for sure, she's just trying to cover her butt and make herself out to be better then she is.


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy...I'm sitting here reading your story to my mom (of whom I think is one of the wisest women I know) and she told me to tell you to let him go. She said any man capable of fathering a child outside just a year old marriage is capable of fathering more every year you're married. She said its awful that he didn't even even use protection and if you stay with him that woman will be in your life forever. She said to tell the OW 'Stop playing the victim. You knew *** was married.' They deserve eachother.


----------



## turnera

Agreed.


----------



## snowy13

Thank you. I agree... I am about 90% sure this is it, over. I know that sounds odd that I'm not 100%, but I am just giving myself some time away to let my mind clear.

I totally agree with your comment about her being the victim. She's just trying to make herself feel better. No more games... I think it's time for me to speak my mind to her, but I'll make sure I don't over do it... she's crazy and who knows what she'll try and pull later.


----------



## Jellybeans

If she tries any bull with you remember the police are only a phone call away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

True... and I'm keeping everything, just in case. There's nothing threatening, but she can't turn it around on me that I did or said anything to her.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hi Snowy. How are you doing? Did she write you back (or you to her?)

GOOD idea keeping copies of everything.

How old is she? She sounds young (or just very immature).


----------



## snowy13

Jellybeans said:


> Hi Snowy. How are you doing? Did she write you back (or you to her?)
> 
> GOOD idea keeping copies of everything.
> 
> How old is she? She sounds young (or just very immature).


She's 28... a year older then me. I did not contact her but when I got off work I had 2 messages from her....

"Ok well *** is sending u our conversations I gues-but he loves 2 leave out things-he accidently sent it 2 me what he was trying 2 forward 2 u-look I am not a b***h or whatever he is making me out 2 be-and I know u love him-but he only tells u what he wants u 2 know and not the full truth. I think we need 2 talk I can even bring my oldest kids he has hurt them to and got close to them over the first few months and the last month. Tired of this-lets be adults there is a child involved and *** has told enough lies and hurt enough people-u 2 can be 2gether I don't care and I don't want him he doesn't seem 2 understand that! I've had enough-please just talk 2 me *** I know u r a better person then all this and don't deserve it either!"

Then right after, another:
"I'm sorry I'm not expecting u 2 be my friend and I don't blame u for not liking me-but u don't know me and I'm sure I am not what u think. If u are going 2 stay with *** and be part of my sons life I would rather talk 2 u right now until *** can grow up and stop lieing and own up 2 trying 2 live a double life so it seems. I'm done having him be mean 2 me and play on my and my kids emotions! I am a great mom and person I wish u knew that and don't want any more crap..let's figure something out please!!!"

Ahhh... what do I say!


----------



## Jellybeans

Gosh she is insufferable. And annoying. And her conscience is f_cking with her big time which is why she's saying repeaatedly that she's not a bad person. I say don't respond. Not yet. Let all this marinate for her and let her stew for a good 24 to 48 hrs. Did ur Husband fwd u what she wrote? What's she referring to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

What exactly does she want?


----------



## Jellybeans

Wtf is she talking about your husband getting close to her other kids? And she's totally grasping saying how she will bring her other kids to meet u...like wth kinda relevance do they have to do with anything? Grrr. Oh gosh. Snowy...if u stay with him u will be dealing with her bullsh!t and her antics for the rest of your life. Its so unfair that ur husband did this to you. Have u talked to a lawyer? Been in contact with ur husband? What does her husband say about all this? Have u asked her? Does her family know the babys dad is your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Turn...she wants to meet w snowy to see if they caan have a good relationship for her sons sake after all the b.s. of having an affair with snowys hub that produced a child. And no doubt she prob feels if snowy will forgive her and is kind to her then it will absolve the total a-hole thing that she did. B!tch is crazy! Pardon my french.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

And what does she mean he doesn't understand she doesn't wanthim? What a hag!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh and that part ' I don't deserve it either' is such bullst! When u do respond u should tellher...u deserve exactly what u brought on yourself which included betraying and breaking up two marriages and two. Families. Stop acting like you had no part in this and are a victim not only did you help betraay my marriage and have a child out of my marriage...you also betrayed ur own husband and had another mans baby. Stop pretending to be something that you aren't...which is innocent and blameless!" Gaaaaaah omg I want to ring her neck for u!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

This woman is driving me crazy... I'm going to let her sit and wait, no response for a few days, then I'll just lay into her.

My H forwarded me some of the texts from their conversation but it takes forever - I'll see him tomorrow and will look at it then on his phone. I can compare to the phone records to see if he deleted any, and he knows it.


----------



## snowy13

Do you think it's ok to tell my h now that she contacted me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Are you on speaking terms with your husband? How often do you talk to him? If you want you could tell him, "OW's been emailing me lately." If he asks what about you can tell him that "She's been apologizing and saying she's not a bad person and other things." He'll press and you can tell him "Oh she's pretending to be a victim and acting like she had no idea you were married and her conscience is eating at her."

LET HER STEW. Don't write her back. She's ridiculous. F her. Did she writeyou again?


----------



## snowy13

Jellybeans said:


> Are you on speaking terms with your husband? How often do you talk to him? If you want you could tell him, "OW's been emailing me lately." If he asks what about you can tell him that "She's been apologizing and saying she's not a bad person and other things." He'll press and you can tell him "Oh she's pretending to be a victim and acting like she had no idea you were married and her conscience is eating at her."
> 
> LET HER STEW. Don't write her back. She's ridiculous. F her. Did she writeyou again?


Yes, we talk a few times a week. Sometimes heated, sometimes just talking and not about everything that's going on at all. I told him that she's been contacting me and he was shocked and mad too. I asked him if she tries to talk to him not to mention he. He said he wouldn't and was going to tell her she's not allowed to text him and can only email if it's about their son. (He has asked this before and said he's sticking to it)

I saw their conversation from yesterday and he also finished sending it to me. They match and to the phone records show the right amount of back and forth too. She's nuts, I'll put up a second post with what she said.


----------



## snowy13

Here goes... a few things, she tried to text him for a few days saying she has to work and doesn't know when she'll be in town again, he didn't reply until this conversation. Towards the end she talks about them being together... she keeps saying she wants them to be a family (EEwww!)

OW: So this is how its going 2 be? Ok then...sorry 2 bother u couldn't sleep up w/ our son!
H: U let me no when we can meet so i can him bye my self
OW: U want 2 take him by ur self?
H:Yes
OW: So i take it you and *** are working things out - lol
H: I am not talking to you about that. were talking about am*** (son)
H: Let me no when its possable to take him
OW: Lol-wow *** u haven't changed....that's how this is going 2 be? Fine....u r sO mean!!!!
H: What ever u say
OW: Take a parenting class and u don't think I have right 2 know who's around my son especially her who hates me so much because of u right?
H: Sure will have a great day! u no how i feel
OW: About??
H: Let me no when i can get him and it. Better be soon
OW: Is that a threat *** really after everything u've done and surely not done? Go have a kid w/ *** and leave me alone! U can't handle him for more than a few Hours so don't push it!!
H: Well thanks i will. No i am. Go to push it cuz if u don't i will get my way. I am his dad and i can handle it so don't worrry ok
OW: O and thanks so much 4 not being an adult and talking 2 me-u lie instead and mess with mine and my kids's emotions!! U r what-having kids w/ ***-so happy 4 u!!! And don't threaten me *** I don't deserve that ****!!!!
H: What ever u say i am not i just want to see my son that's all i care about not your kids not u or any this i am sick of being nice so its not about u ok
OW: Yea right-maybe 4 a few hours *** but no more-u may love him but u sure don't know everything remember we've stayed w/ u I've seen u in action. Sick Of being nice???? Whatever u say.....I am not the enemy here u work against urself! U can have him 4 a few hours that's it-u can't handle him w/ his issues and U know it!! Don't threaten me-go take a parenting class or a few I've told u that 4 9months! Now stop and grow up! I told u before I wouldn't take him away from U even if we weren't 2gether but u r soo mean and I am his mother and will protect him at all costs!
H: Well that's why will learn that what i am going to do ok so get over it. Ok, fine let me no when i can see him intel then were done talking Bye
H: Ya right that's yet to be seen don't make be even meaner
OW: Yea bye-u r not the man I thought u ever where!
H: I don't care what u think bye
OW: Whatever ***-keep threatening me see how far u get w/ that! This whole thing as been when u want and based on ur lies-stop being mean 2 me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
H: I am not threting u i just want to see my son
OW: No one is being mean 2 our son he is nothing but loved!!

Just a little confusion and frustrating...


----------



## turnera

They both sound like 11 year olds. Is your husband illiterate? Good grief.

Maybe you're better off without him.


----------



## Jellybeans

She sounds like an a$$hat. And totally insufferable! It seems your husband (by way of the texts) only wants to have a relationship with his son and not her and she seems to be thinking that is him being "mean" to her. WTF if her problem? She may say she didn't want to end up with him but it does not come across that way in her texts to him. And he sounds like he wants to shoo her away. (Smart man). But I wonder if he's sending you ALL of the texts?

Snowy--if you stay with him, you will have to deal with her psycho antics for the rest of your life as she will be a fixture in your life for all time because of the son she had with your husband. 

She does sound like an 11 year old. Ugh. 

*OW: So i take it you and *** are working things out - lol*

F-CK her. And f-ck him for putting you in this position.


----------



## WhereAmI

I think you should kindly mention to him that engaging her about anything other than the child is just feeding into her emotions and prolonging contact. If I wasn't on mobile I'd point out how frequently he does this by bollding his statements. He repeatedly says he doesn't care about various things, defends his parenting, says she knows how he feels. He needs to leave ALL emotion out of it. Be gentle when explaining this, though. He is clearly trying his best and isn't sure how to communicate with a woman who isn't all there. You should be happy with what he's doing, it's a big step.

Has he started working toward a custody agreement? Legalizing the issue will really help in limiting contact. I think it's a great idea for him to take a class right now. It will show that he intends to be an active and healthy parent. Also, it seems like the baby has health issues? He may want to look into a class that relates to these particular issues to prove his concern to the courts. By no means does he need to reveal his participation in these classes to the OW. This is purely to prove that his fit during a custody battle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy, my heart hurts for you. I can honestly say if I were you I would go through the divorce. You are only 27 years old and this is way too much sh*t to be dealing with in the first year of your marriage. 

You deserve a man who will be committed to you and only you. Not someone who was so irresponsible to father a child with another married person outside your marriage.


----------



## WhereAmI

I just noticed the 8th text from her still contains his name. You starred out the rest, so I thought you should know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Jellybeans said:


> Snowy, my heart hurts for you. I can honestly say if I were you I would go through the divorce. You are only 27 years old and this is way too much sh*t to be dealing with in the first year of your marriage.


I SO AGREE!

There are plenty PLENTY of men out there who are just dying to find a great catch like you. Pick someone who won't dream of doing this to their wife.


----------



## snowy13

turnera said:


> They both sound like 11 year olds. Is your husband illiterate? Good grief.
> 
> Maybe you're better off without him.


He grew up with a learning disability, never fully learned correct spelling, etc.

I do know it was all the texts. He showed me his phone yesterday and the two matched. The number of back and forth interactions match the phone records too.

She pisses me off so much! Not to defend him - I'm still very angry and confused, but I do feel for him. He said he won't respond anymore to anything unless it has to do with the baby and I suggested keeping it short like you guys said.

Thank you for all if your support and suggestions. Just taking it day by day right now.


----------



## snowy13

Has he started working toward a custody agreement? Legalizing the issue will really help in limiting contact.

He has not started anything yet, but I suggested he be the one to do it instead of sitting around waiting to see what she's going to do.


----------



## snowy13

Today my H sent me flowers at work with a note: Just a little something to cheer you up. I think about you every day, I love you very much.

Not sure what to think about this. It was sweet and I thanked him for them. He said he thought I deserved them and should have done it a long time ago.


----------



## turnera

Nothing wrong with that.

But if it doesn't come with TOTAL COMPLETE 100% devotion to you and UTTER willingness to leave OW in the dust...

you have no real marriage, snowy.


----------



## snowy13

There have been so many different things going through my head recently.

It's to hard to believe that I am at this point in my life... I know no one ever plans to face something like this, but I just can't believe it's happening.

My H asked me the other day if a guy asked me to do something, would I? It's tough to think about... technically I'm still married, we're just separated at the moment.

I'm not looking for anything/anyone, but it is something to think about.... just looking for thoughts on this one.


----------



## turnera

You can survive 6 months to a year without a man. In fact, you will BENEFIT by being alone for awhile. Our greatest learning comes when we are alone, as we stop 'adjusting' ourselves to fit some mold. Take this time to get to know yourself, your core values, what your boundaries should be, what you want the rest of your life to look like

Are you worth so little that you can accept crumbs from a man? Do you feel like you have so little to offer that you have to accept any old guy who will take you? Or will you embrace your self-worth and hold out for a man who will NOT cheat on you in you first year of marriage?


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy--of course it feels surreal. You never signed up for any of this. 

I wish you strength and joy. You have been through a lot and know that you will come out the other side, better for it. 

I am with Turner. Now is not the time to get involved with someone else. You are not there emotionally (not to mention you're still married to King A-hole). Spend some time alone. You have been with him for so long, all of your adult life and your late teen years that you don't know what life is like w/o him. 

He is not the be-all, end-all. There are nearly 7 billion people on this planet. You are bound to cross paths with many more people in your lifetime. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who could disrespect you in the worst possible way ever?


----------



## snowy13

Thanks guys. I'm no where near looking for someone - I was just putting it out there and curious about others thoughts. This is just the beginning stages of everything and even though we are separated, I'm still married and it wouldn't be right.

On another note, he is going with his dad tomorrow to meet with a lawyer and find out what he needs to do to start fighting for custody.


----------



## snowy13

So it's been a week since there was any contact between the OW and myself. I am wanting to tell her off... but just short and sweet, no need to draw it out into a big long thing. Thoughts?


----------



## Jellybeans

Have you thought about when or what you want to say to her? What was the last thing she said to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

snowy, come on! Show some dignity. 

She is beneath you.


----------



## Jellybeans

She really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I know she's not worth my time. If she says anything else then I'll respond. All I want to say is stop acting like the victim, you knew what you were doing, stop wasting my time asking for forgiveness and leave me alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

write the email and don't send it- the email is more for you than her anywways


----------



## Jellybeans

Hehe. If you do respond you SHOULd tell her what you said above 

"You are not a victim in this so don't try to pass yourself off as one. 
While married to your husband, you had an affair with my husband, also married. You knew exactly what you were doing and even got pregnant and had a married man's child, my husband's child. This is your doing. Do not ask for my forgiveness and do not pretend as if you had no part in this. Do not contact me again. Your conscience must eat at you daily. You had no problems betraying two marriages, one of which was your own."

And never contact me again, you slag! LOL.


----------



## snowy13

I will probably wait for her to contact me, but it would also be nice to let her have it.

Jelly, thanks for the suggestion on what to say... I just have to be careful what I say because who knows what she'll do and use it against my H. Regardless of what is going on with him and I, if we stay together or not, I'm not going to set him up so she can use it to attack him more then she already is.


----------



## snowy13

I think I have decided to go through with the divorce. I love him and probably always will, I miss him many days, but even though there were so many good times, they just can't outweigh the bad. How do you know when it's really over? How do you make your heart stop hurting and move on with your life? It will take time, I know, but it's so hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

Divorce is never easy . It reads like your mind is made up . See a lawyer , go dark on your husband or you will be back and forth , let the legal system take it's course. Follow your lawyers council, let the lawyer handle it from here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

snowy, all I can say is WHY would you stay married to a man who will cheat on you the first year of, or before, your marriage? 

What kind of marriage WAS that? All that is happening is you're letting go of the IMAGE of what you THOUGHT you had.


----------



## Jellybeans

Snowy, if only there were a crystal ball that said when it was "really" over, right? It's different for everyone. I think for you, the reality of knowing he impregnanted a married woman while in just the first year of your marriage says it all. It may help you to keep repeating to yourself "My husband cheated on me with another married woman and got her pregnant and now has a child." Sometimes when we say things out loud, it drives it home. 

I think you're making the right decision.


----------



## snowy13

How do I approach this...

There are friends of mine on facebook who are also friends of my H. There are some we haven't talked to in years and today I got a message from one saying they saw baby pics on my H's page and asked if I had one and congrats.

Do I ignore it, do I reply with the truth, do I say talk to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Tell them the truth.


----------



## WhereAmI

turnera said:


> Tell them the truth.


Exactly. This isn't your secret and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It WILL get out so you might as well be honest with anyone who asks. Stick to the facts so you don't give fuel to the rumor mill. "My husband had an affair and fathered the child pictured."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Oh, you definitely tell them the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScullyFan

Keep it simple but tell them the truth


----------



## snowy13

Thanks guys - kept it short, sweet, and too the point.


----------



## Jellybeans

Yep. Tell them straight up what the deal is: 

"Husband had an affair and fathered a child with a married woman 3 months ago (or whoever long it was). We are currently getting a divorce."

How are you doing otherwise, Snowy?


----------



## snowy13

I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. I know I need to do what's best for me, but it's hard to just forget the last 11 years. I really miss him. Some days I'm angry, some days I'm happy and don't even think about him, just a roller coaster of emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

It is hard. Eleven yrs is a long time to be with someone. Rest assured he is the one who put you where u are today. He unilateraally decided this for u and u had no say in it. You are worth more. Focus on the positives. While painful one day you will look back and be so glad u found out now instead of another 11. Yrs from now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Huh? R u spamming us?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

Jellybeans said:


> Huh? R u spamming us?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This happened a week or so too, I reported the post.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh boy. Those spammers are a piece of work. Snowy...u should do something nice for yourself. Are u keeping busy? Hav u talked to ur husband again or an attorney? Has the OW reached out to u again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13

I've been very busy, took on some extra responsibility at work and will be coaching too.

We talk a little. He said the other night that he will be going to court Tues and is giving her full custody. I told him not to do it - I know it's now what he wants, he's just doing it because he thinks that's what I want.

I said take me out of the equation - do what is best for you. Don't expect us to get back together, I am having a hard time with all of this and don't think I can move past what happened.

He broke down crying again and I finally hung up. He kept pushing, calling multiple times - I answered finally and said he needed to leave me alone. 

I go back and forth every day.... this is so hard.


----------



## turnera

You're doing the right thing. Hold firm. Tell him to do what his heart says. Because you can't fight your heart and be all right.


----------



## Jellybeans

What was he "pushing" about? Good for you for telling him to leave you alone. Did you move all your stuff out?


----------



## snowy13

He just kept saying how sorry he was and that he wants to show me he can be better. I said I want to see that, but that he needs to do it for himself to be a better person, and not expect me to wait around.

Yes, we are both out of the original apt, I'm still at my dad's for now and he moved in with a coworker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

He needs to show you in a consistent, year-long way that he has changed and now prizes commitment and family above personal gain. It's a total mindshift.


----------



## snowy13

Looking for a little confidence today... I have said it to myself many times but I can't seem to say it to my H - "I want a divorce."

I want to know that he can change, I want things to go back to how they were, but I know that can never truly happen. I can't sit around and wait anymore, it's not fair to me - so why can't I just say it!


----------



## turnera

Write him a letter.


----------



## snowy13

I have thought about that but honestly feel we need to have the conversation in person.


----------



## Jellybeans

When you're ready you will be able to say it. Or u could have him served w D papers. Sending u hugs, Snowy. You're a lot stronger than u think u are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Write the letter, hand it to him, and sit down at the kitchen table and wait for him to read it.


----------



## Dadof3

turnera said:


> Write the letter, hand it to him, and sit down at the kitchen table and wait for him to read it.


:iagree::iagree::smthumbup:


----------



## snowy13

Hey guys - it's been a little while now since I've been on. At least it feels that way - haven't logged in since my last post but looking for some more advice here....

I told my H that it's over. No more waiting around for him to change, it's over. Taking it day by day and feeling good about my decision.

On another note - I have become friends with a guy over the last several months. Nothing ever crossed my mind beyond a new friendship until the last few days. I am not looking for a relationship by any means - but there has been some flirting.

Is this too soon? Am I just reacting to the fact that my marriage is over for good? The attention is nice, but how much is too much?


----------



## turnera

Having someone interested in you is a HUGE ego stroke, which is good and bad. What's the saying? Don't date for one month for every year you've been married? It takes that long to get your head back on straight?

Bottom line, in my opinion, you shouldn't be flirting at all until you're officially divorced.


----------



## snowy13

And that's exactly what I was thinking too. I may be separated, but on paper and legally I'm still married. I'm not that kind of person - that's the whole reason I left my H.


----------



## snowy13

Hello everyone - it has been several months since I have been on and just want to do a short update. My H and I signed the divorce papers (on Valentine's day of all days), they have been filed, now it's just waiting for it to be final.

Thank you for all of the help and support. There are still tough days but I have been feeling really good and have many people comment on a noticeable change (even people at work who don't really know anything that has happened).

Although I have moved forward and am happy with my decision there are still triggers and things that get to me and I know that will continue to happen. We were together 12 years, it won't go away over night. Thanks again to everyone.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Thanks for the update, wishing you all the best for the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squiffy

Hi Snowy, thanks for updating us - I followed your story from the start and have been wondering how you have been going. I'm so pleased to hear you are rebuilding your life, it looks like you were eventually able to think clearly and made the right decision for you. While it will still be hard, there will be more good than bad days in the future, and eventually the good will far outweigh the bad. Wishing you nothing but the best. ((Hugs)).


----------



## turnera

Thanks for letting us know. It will be hard, but down the road you'll be glad of your decisions. Good luck!


----------

