# Surprised by the nice words



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Have any of you been shocked by the nice loving things your WS says to you?
We have all heard the ridiculous excuses for their actions and the multiple I love yous that can flow like a river at times.
But how about those words that just blow you away, when you know they are being so honest and sincere.
My WS was talking to me the other night and she had told me before (several times) that this was her fault etc. but this time the way she said it and the other things along with it just took me back.
Call it shock, surprise whatever I was at a loss for words other than telling her that those words help on the dark days I have.
These are the times when you think they are really getting it, taking responsibility, going over and above what needs to be done to make this work, erasing some of those doubts.
I will take more of it all I can get.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....I'm very happy for you .....and extremely envious.

....I've never gotten anything from my wife that I could say was more than a perfunctory ...."I'm sorry".

....just once ...I'd like her to tell me she has something to say that includes a complete admission of fault and responsibility from her, details of what happened, a heartfelt acknowledgement that she sees how I'm been pained and destroyed by her, and that she knows that it hurts me to some extent ...every day. 


....nothing she's ever said has 'knocked me for a loop' ...and made me believe that she 'gets it'. Her attitude is that it was a ONS ...and that's not as bad as a prolonged affair. 


.....again ....I'm envious.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XWW didn't say anything even remotely nice, but we did not R.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

I'm shocked that we can't verbally talk about what happened without it turning into WWIII, but then he can write me these pages-long letters of remorse and sorrow.

What gives???


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

One thing that really surprised me, was the XW/SO told me a few days ago how I am such a good listener. 
Interestingly, it was because she was afraid of telling me some of her secrets that led to her EA. 

I appreciate the complement, but still. 
I was a good listener before her EA. Why did she go to someone else to talk to? 



ScorchedEarth said:


> I'm shocked that we can't verbally talk about what happened without it turning into WWIII, but then he can write me these pages-long letters of remorse and sorrow.
> 
> What gives???


Maybe he doesn't like to talk about his feelings. 
I'll listen to SO's problems, and let her vent and share her feelings. 
For me to talk about mine...well, that doesn't happen very often. 

But then again, I am the BS.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

I think it's because he controls the conversation with a letter. It's one sided. 

He does not like answering questions, because I call him out when his answers sound like garbage. Apparently I'm just supposed to believe everything he now says is true.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> I'm shocked that we can't verbally talk about what happened without it turning into WWIII, but then he can write me these pages-long letters of remorse and sorrow.
> 
> What gives???


There is pressure in talking to someone as opposed to writing a letter and pouring your soul out on paper. The paper doesn't talk back,

I never heard a nice word from my EX, not to this day over 2 years later.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

love=pain said:


> Have any of you been shocked by the nice loving things your WS says to you?
> We have all heard the ridiculous excuses for their actions and the multiple I love yous that can flow like a river at times.
> But how about those words that just blow you away, when you know they are being so honest and sincere.
> My WS was talking to me the other night and she had told me before (several times) that this was her fault etc. but this time the way she said it and the other things along with it just took me back.
> ...


Love=Pain good for you. It is great to hear those wonderful words from your spouse. I do think that we need the constant reassurance from our spouse. It is wonderful when they try so hard to help us through the pain. I will share some of the wonderful words Mrs. Adams recently shared with me:

*I cannot undo what i have done or said but i can promise to do better. I promise to love and cherish you all the days of my life. I promise to put your feelings before mine. I promise to be there for you when you need to cry, when you need me to squeeze your hand, when you need me to say how very much i love you. I promise to be the kind of wife you have always deserved. The kind of wife God provided for you 41 years ago and i messed up. I stole the innocence of our youth and instead gave you a life of pain. I cannot take it away but i can do better.

I have always loved you and i sure have a poor way if showing it. I loved myself first. I am not worthy of your love or loyalty but i am so thankful for it. *

*Please forgive me and give me the chance to prove to you how very sorry i am for hurting you.*


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....I'm very happy for you .....and extremely envious.
> 
> ....I've never gotten anything from my wife that I could say was more than a perfunctory ...."I'm sorry".
> 
> ...



Are you locked in this marriage? You have the upper hand. Explain carefully and without anger what you need from your wife. And explain that if you don't get it, the result is divorce.

You are already upset over the lack of closure. How will you feel after this festers for 20 years? Can you live that way? Get the crap out into the open now and deal with it if you can. If you can't, better to find out now than 20 years from now.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

love=pain said:


> Have any of you been shocked by the nice loving things your WS says to you?
> We have all heard the ridiculous excuses for their actions and the multiple I love yous that can flow like a river at times.
> But how about those words that just blow you away, when you know they are being so honest and sincere.
> My WS was talking to me the other night and she had told me before (several times) that this was her fault etc. but this time the way she said it and the other things along with it just took me back.
> ...


And don't forget to give some positive reinforcement for those words. Reconciliation takes two, not just one.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It's been over a year since d-day and it still freaks me out the way my wife acts. In a good way. At first I thought it was just guilt, but she has put up with everything I have thrown at her, answered every question numerous times and I truly believe that she loves me and regrets everything she did. She said that the person who cheated on me wasn't really her, and looking back she says she doesn't know who that person was. I don't really care as long as that "other" person doesn't come back. I'm still careful and watchful, but I would be with anyone. I still wonder how someone could treat me the way she did and now act like I'm the sexiest man alive. But actually that's the only thing that could have kept me from leaving, I just didn't think she could do it. So far I guess I was wrong.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Words are great, but how can you possibly ever believe them?

Yeah, I can post pages and pages of letters written to me by my stbxh and most of you would be very moved, but the thing about cheaters is that they are MASTER deceivers! HELLO?? That's why you're here! Lies and betrayals! Manipulations and word-twisting.

I think it's great for those who can do it, but how do you ever know it's real and not just another adventure in Betrayal land, where you live like a mushroom - in the dark and fed a steady diet of bullcrap?

You'd never really know, would you? But unlike before, you NOW know that your treacherous WS is CAPABLE of one of the worst things you can to do somebody, especially to someone you're supposed to love.

I just don't get it.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Words are great, but how can you possibly ever believe them?
> 
> Yeah, I can post pages and pages of letters written to me by my stbxh and most of you would be very moved, but the thing about cheaters is that they are MASTER deceivers! HELLO?? That's why you're here! Lies and betrayals! Manipulations and word-twisting.
> 
> ...


You see my WW was NOT a master deceiver. She was a terrible liar. But there is a fog that the BS can get into also. I was the jerk in our marriage, "there was no way my wife would cheat on me". I knew she was up to something but I totally disregarded all the signs. Now that my eyes are open I can see pretty clear. I quickly shot down every trickle truth she tried to get past me until she just quit trying. I asked a lot of questions that I knew the answers to, and she was truthful as much as I could hoped. Is there a change she's still pulling my leg? Sure, but I very strongly doubt it. And if she is, it will be the last time. We've been married for 36 years, so to me it's worth the gamble.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Are you locked in this marriage? You have the upper hand. Explain carefully and without anger what you need from your wife. And explain that if you don't get it, the result is divorce.
> 
> You are already upset over the lack of closure. How will you feel after this festers for 20 years? Can you live that way? Get the crap out into the open now and deal with it if you can. If you can't, better to find out now than 20 years from now.


....Locked In? ....well ....let's see .....married 31 years (will be ...god willing ...this coming summer). And ...her act of infidelity (a ONS) took place 18 yrs ago.

....I have explained to her how I feel, and what she needs to do. By that ...I don't mean that I have told her what she needs to say to me. That's like putting words in a kids mouth to force an apology. I want her to research this (infidelity) ...I want her to read whatever is out there ...regarding how a man deals with betrayal from his wife. I want her to accept that SHE did this ...and that I'm not a part of her decision to cheat on me. (something I'm JUST getting past ...with a lot of help from MC / IC sessions).

....I made HUGE mistakes back then ...as I have learned over the past few yrs of being on this site. She never had to face the fact that I'd walk away and leave her to fend for herself. A MC back then was telling me that I was half to blame for my wife's ONS ...and of course convincing my wife of the same. The MC described what my wife did as "only sex" ...and downplayed the whole thing as _"something that was over in 5 minutes"._ ( that last line, to this day ...has had me glancing at an alarm clock in our bedroom anytime we had sex ...so that I could make sure nothing sexual from me ..only took 5 minutes). And me ...a complete idiot ...bought into what the MC said as a way to heal "from a learned professional" ...not knowing then what I know now ...about how_ "the truth will set you free"_ ...if it was honestly and completely confessed by the WS. 

....I'm seriously trying to work thru this in counseling ...and a lot of help has been provided. But ...my "story" ...has lots of parts that make it hard to overcome. I will say that I have ...to some extent ...made more progress in the past year with this therapist than I had ever thought possible. But ...I still want my wife to do the "heavy lifting" ...and I don't care if what happened was 18 yrs ago. Nothing was properly addressed then ....the story I was fed back then was full of lies (as I found out this year) ...and everything feels like a fresh wound all over again.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> And don't forget to give some positive reinforcement for those words. Reconciliation takes two, not just one.


I do make sure to tell her that those times and the words she says make me feel great something to hold onto when I am low. Reconciliation takes two sometimes it's 50/50 and the other times the WS needs to do more.



ScorchedEarth said:


> Words are great, but how can you possibly ever believe them?
> 
> Yeah, I can post pages and pages of letters written to me by my stbxh and most of you would be very moved, but the thing about cheaters is that they are MASTER deceivers! HELLO?? That's why you're here! Lies and betrayals! Manipulations and word-twisting.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately their previous actions always keep you from buying into everything they say and do 100%, part of the curse infidelity brings is doubt, she knows that and she has to live with it just like I do. At least she tries and it does make me feel better for awhile, if she quits saying those things or I quit believing in them then she's in trouble.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Hi Love=Pain,
Your blog name spells out the perspective of someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and had the end result of identifying on that level.

I imagine it is really hard to overcome that sort of thing if that is your situation and I really feel for anyone who has grown up that way. It is also probably a predictor of ending up in a relationship that is fundamentally similar.

In your current situation, I hope that her sincerities remain and I hope that they are more about her and less about you, meaning real remorse.

I wish you an amazing 2014.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Working1 said:


> Hi Love=Pain,
> Your blog name spells out the perspective of someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and had the end result of identifying on that level.
> 
> I imagine it is really hard to overcome that sort of thing if that is your situation and I really feel for anyone who has grown up that way. It is also probably a predictor of ending up in a relationship that is fundamentally similar.
> ...


Thanks I should hang a sign * kind / motivational* words are always accepted before cash and credit because to me they are worth so much more.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> It's been over a year since d-day and it still freaks me out the way my wife acts. In a good way. At first I thought it was just guilt, but she has put up with everything I have thrown at her, answered every question numerous times and I truly believe that she loves me and regrets everything she did. She said that the person who cheated on me wasn't really her, and looking back she says she doesn't know who that person was. I don't really care as long as that "other" person doesn't come back. I'm still careful and watchful, but I would be with anyone. I still wonder how someone could treat me the way she did and now act like I'm the sexiest man alive. But actually that's the only thing that could have kept me from leaving, I just didn't think she could do it. So far I guess I was wrong.


Its only been 2 months since my dday and I am freaked out/suspicious of my wifes new found passion for me. She is constantly loving me, shakes when I touch her the right way, much more passionate in bed....its like it was when we first started dating.....

I'm having a hard time believing its all true though....At best, I am very cautiously optimistic.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> Its only been 2 months since my dday and I am freaked out/suspicious of my wifes new found passion for me. She is constantly loving me, shakes when I touch her the right way, much more passionate in bed....its like it was when we first started dating.....
> 
> I'm having a hard time believing its all true though....At best, I am very cautiously optimistic.


Maybe she realized that you truly love her like no other even after all that she has done, maybe she found out the grass isn't greener, maybe who knows, doubt is what you will live with and she will live with knowing matter how honest and sincere she is you will still have that doubt.
But you know what enjoy it let her work hard to rebuild and walk along with her, if you decide you can't stay then at least you tried.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

love=pain said:


> Maybe she realized that you truly love her like no other even after all that she has done, maybe she found out the grass isn't greener, maybe who knows, doubt is what you will live with and she will live with knowing matter how honest and sincere she is you will still have that doubt.
> But you know what enjoy it let her work hard to rebuild and walk along with her, if you decide you can't stay then at least you tried.


Thats what I'm hoping for. I've already told her that the woman she is now is a woman worth fighting for and going through a reconciliation with. The woman she was during the affair isnt worth any of it. 

That being said, I'm going to enjoy it and hope it lasts.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Its only been 2 months since my dday and I am freaked out/suspicious of my wifes new found passion for me. She is constantly loving me, shakes when I touch her the right way, much more passionate in bed....its like it was when we first started dating.....
> 
> I'm having a hard time believing its all true though....At best, I am very cautiously optimistic.


I felt the exact same way over a year ago!! I was worried that she might be in some kind of a "reverse" fog and she might come out of it at any time. But to my amazement she hasn't. The passion has leveled off a little, but it had to, there was no way it could stay at the level it was. But not much that's for sure. We've had sex more often in the last year than in the last 5 years combined. I still have a hard time reconciling the old wife with new wife. It still kind of freaks me out, but after all this time I've pretty much accepted that the "affair" wife was the exception and not the rule. Of course I've done my part and I'm not the same person either which just perpetuates the changes in her. So it is possible. Good luck and don't give up.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By JohnAdams*
> Love=Pain good for you. It is great to hear those wonderful words from your spouse. I do think that we need the constant reassurance from our spouse. It is wonderful when they try so hard to help us through the pain. I will share some of the wonderful words Mrs. Adams recently shared with me:
> 
> *I cannot undo what i have done or said but i can promise to do better. I promise to love and cherish you all the days of my life. I promise to put your feelings before mine. I promise to be there for you when you need to cry, when you need me to squeeze your hand, when you need me to say how very much i love you. I promise to be the kind of wife you have always deserved. The kind of wife God provided for you 41 years ago and i messed up. I stole the innocence of our youth and instead gave you a life of pain. I cannot take it away but i can do better.
> ...



The words above are super powerful because they have been backed up by ACTIONS for over 20 years!

Words are wonderful but they have to be backed up by actions in order to have real value. Actions that pass the test of time are the super glue of R!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Ignore the words. Most waywards are great actors. Focus on the action.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Words only matter after your actions have back them up. If a wayward is asked if they have cheated and they say no, then thier words cannot matter.

Only actions over time can change that.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I worked for thirty years to prove how I felt to my husband...those words were written in October. So he knew when he read them that I meant them.
> 
> However...he needed to hear them. So words are important. This wayward did not put on an act...she put on a way of life that proved she was sorry. My life has been an open book. I have made sure my husband has no reason to doubt me. He knows I love him and would do anything for him. ANYTHING...


Right now I'm struggling with not knowing who my wife is. Is she the person I fell in love with and married and is back to being like that again after dday or is she the horrible woman she was for the past year and a half who had an affair?

I just dont see how she shut me out of her heart for the past year and a half and then after dday she has this newfound passion and absolute love for me. Its hard to believe and its what I struggle with the most.

Its been less than 2 months since dday, and to be fair, she is doing everything right. Its just so hard to believe that she is as in love with me as she is saying. Does a remorseful wayward suffer some type of shock like the betrayed does on dday? Basically do they just get "slapped" back into reality when everything collapses on them?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I worked for thirty years to prove how I felt to my husband...those words were written in October. So he knew when he read them that I meant them.
> 
> However...he needed to hear them. So words are important. This wayward did not put on an act...she put on a way of life that proved she was sorry. My life has been an open book. I have made sure my husband has no reason to doubt me. He knows I love him and would do anything for him. ANYTHING...


I don't know how you guys do it, but I'm majorly impressed.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I worked for thirty years to prove how I felt to my husband...those words were written in October. So he knew when he read them that I meant them.
> 
> However...he needed to hear them. So words are important. This wayward did not put on an act...she put on a way of life that proved she was sorry. My life has been an open book. I have made sure my husband has no reason to doubt me. He knows I love him and would do anything for him. ANYTHING...


Mrs. A 
I hope my wife follows the same path as you, it can be daunting to think that so many years later this issue still needs such attention but I know deep down I will never fully heal and I will need her to continue working hard.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> Right now I'm struggling with not knowing who my wife is. Is she the person I fell in love with and married and is back to being like that again after dday or is she the horrible woman she was for the past year and a half who had an affair?
> 
> I just dont see how she shut me out of her heart for the past year and a half and then after dday she has this newfound passion and absolute love for me. Its hard to believe and its what I struggle with the most.
> 
> Its been less than 2 months since dday, and to be fair, she is doing everything right. Its just so hard to believe that she is as in love with me as she is saying. Does a remorseful wayward suffer some type of shock like the betrayed does on dday? Basically do they just get "slapped" back into reality when everything collapses on them?


I dont believe in the fog, but i can see that the wayward also has a dday when the affair is exposed. I can see the tears and horror of thier spouse having a devastating effect on them, if they truly loved the betrayed.

And if they are given a second chance they know they dont deserve, perhaps that knowledge of that fact can translate into deeper love?

Having said that i kind of doubt it unless the wayward confessed out of guilt and love. Which almost never happens.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> This path is not for sissys let me tell you. I do not deserve my husband...he should have kicked me to the curb. It will never be over...never.


I think a great source of your (both Adamses) strength is not pretending that it *should* be over, but dealing with it as a part of everyday life. Paradoxically, it's a project you can work on together to keep you close.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by love=pain*
> Mrs. A
> I hope my wife follows the same path as you, it can be daunting to think that so many years later this issue still needs such attention but I know deep down I will never fully heal and I will need her to continue working hard.



Love=Pain
*You may never fully heal but it is possible to heal enough that the A does not become a significant factor in your emotions and other areas of your life*. I have seen it written and said many times that it takes a minimum of 5 years to stop the daily or weekly upsets. That is with both doing a lot right in those 5 years. *How long have you been doing a lot of the R right?*


I have read several of Mrs. John Adams posts and I admire her attitude and her actions for so many years! I can not speak for Mrs. Adams as she is the WS but as the BS I can tell you that 20+ years of appropriate R can bring you to a point that the A does not have a strong negative affect on your life. I am not saying that there are no residual affects I am saying that an A does not have to ruin your life or even control your thought and contentment and you can even have a good life.

Furthermore, I was having a good life after 5 years; it is just that after 20 years you do not even think about it unless something brings it up. Even then the pan is not intense. I can understand great pain for the first several years but you can get a lot of relief after a few years if you do the right things.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> This path is not for sissys let me tell you. I do not deserve my husband...he should have kicked me to the curb. It will never be over...never.


Those words hint that maybe you do deserve him.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You are indeed a lucky woman. Cherish that man.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Love=Pain
> *You may never fully heal but it is possible to heal enough that the A does not become a significant factor in your emotions and other areas of your life*. I have seen it written and said many times that it takes a minimum of 5 years to stop the daily or weekly upsets. That is with both doing a lot right in those 5 years. *How long have you been doing a lot of the R right?*
> 
> 
> ...


We are almost 2 years into this some days it feels like yesterday others, well I feel old physically and mentally this has taken it's toll. There have been lots of good though if the good didn't outweigh the bad don't think I would have made it this far.
I know we have a long way to go and she started to realize this was not what she was used to in terms of an R. Her parents went through this every few years and her mom rug swept all of it, I know I was around some of her father's cheating (2 or 3 times) the first 6 years we were dating and married. If you talk to her mother now she says she should have left him years ago but I don't believe she would ever leave.
The first few months after Dday I got a lot of her trying to rug sweep thinking it would just be hidden away like her mom did but I was having none of it. It has gotten consistently better as the months go by with her saying and doing more and more to comfort and rebuild, will I be as lucky as Mr. A to get that kind of dedication after 30 years I really don't know.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quote of Love=Pain	*
> will I be as lucky as Mr. A to get that kind of dedication after 30 years I really don't know.



In my opinion Mrs. Adams is an EXCEPTION with a capital E. I have never heard any WS be that remorseful after 30 years!!! I am sure that she has soothed Mr. Adam’s emotions many many times. Having said that I am a little concerned about Mrs. A but that is for another thread.

Love=Pain, you may not like what I am going to say. 
If you really want to get a lot better you are going to have to learn more about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require you to completely forget the incident. Secondly, *you are going to have to be humble, get help, listen to what those that have been successful say, and make up your mind that you are going to do the tough stuff needed.*

I know very well that you feel crapped on, cut to the bone, been treated grossly unfair and many more negative feelings. The fact is that you have been betrayed and now you should be asking how best to make your life better and fight to keep the negative thoughts and doom from occupying your mind. Your negative emotions are strong but you can keep them to a minimum or out of your mind completely. What your wife does is much more under her control than yours; you are fully responsible for what you do because you are the one that has control over you.


I know that your emotions need soothing but I am not real good at that. In fact what I am telling you will have a much more long term positive effect on you than if I soothed your emotions. *If you do not learn to forgive and make the decision to forgive you will not get much better and you may even get worse.*

Forgiveness is what you can do for you that will get you a lot better and it takes you taking the inactive and following through with your part. *Find someone that has been successful at forgiving and then listen, learn, and do your part!* You do not know how to forgive or you have chosen not to or both! There are lots of help for forgiveness and they do not all cost lots of money.

I am not trying to put yu down in anyway. It is a proven fact that the BS that forgives gains a lot for himself.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> This was our conversation yesterday.
> 
> I sent him this text:
> I can barely live with myself knowing I said all those terrible things to you 30 years ago. How the hell did you stay?
> ...


You dont have to answer this. Did you feel this way all those years after the affair, or was it your hubby's dday bring on this mindset?


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