# Gift from wife given to girlfriend



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So my daughter just told me that her father gave the jade necklace I gave him as a gift while we were in New Zealand together on a holiday some years back to his girlfriend. We bought them for each other and had discussed handing them down to our kids one day (as is the tradition over there), his to our son, mine to our daughter.

It's up to him what he does with it, but I find it a bit sick to do something like that, and just as sick for her to even want to take it. Especially since he could have given it to his son if he wanted to give it away...

Have other people here done something like that and can help me wrap my head around it?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

breeze said:


> So my daughter just told me that her father gave the jade necklace I gave him as a gift while we were in New Zealand together on a holiday some years back to his girlfriend. We bought them for each other and had discussed handing them down to our kids one day (as is the tradition over there), his to our son, mine to our daughter.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He’s a ****. That’s why you left him 


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Elizabeth001 said:


> He’s a ****. That’s why you left him


Heh, that's pretty much it I guess. I think I must've brainwashed myself to see qualities in him that weren't actually there for so long, that when I have these reminders now and then that it was all a figment of my imagination it still takes a bit to process it.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

breeze said:


> Heh, that's pretty much it I guess. I think I must've brainwashed myself to see qualities in him that weren't actually there for so long, that when I have these reminders now and then that it was all a figment of my imagination it still takes a bit to process it.




Totally understandable. But it really is just that simple. It gets easier love. Hang in there. Hugs. 


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry. He's not very creative in the gift giving department is he? Y-A-W-N.

Sorry he's such a tool. I'd be hurting too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Traditions are for the traditionally minded.

He traded those away years ago.

Values steer our actions.

His values are trash, hence otherwise valuable jade followed the owner's thoughts.

He values his GF more than his blood.

No surprise here, hear?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Can't your daughter point out to the gf what good taste you have? And, that it was meant to be passed on to your son? I doubt that she would get much pleasure out of wearing it with that knowledge (assuming she has a conscience).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A bit of comfort I do deliver.

Your EXH jinxed that jade, made it dangerous to hold. 
Who better to receive the 'hex whammied' stone necklace than the new she?
.
Bad luck is better passed on to bad souls.

Oh, and he knew it would hurt you if you found out.

I suspect the GF will feel uncomfortable owning/wearing it if she knew its origin.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Thanks all. I honestly don't know what the GF knows about it. I'm not sure it would matter to her as she has never showed signs of a conscience through any of this that I know of.

My daughter was very clear that she wanted mine one day, which I'm happy to pass to her. She seemed disappointed that her brother would not receive his but a part of me does feel like it's a tainted gift now anyway (or jinxed as SunCMars put it), so I'll get him one of his own one day.

I wouldn't want my daughter to say anything about it. The other day we had a discussion and she told me she didn't pull her father up when he was trash talking about me because she was afraid he'd get angry.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

breeze said:


> Heh, that's pretty much it I guess. I think I must've brainwashed myself to see qualities in him that weren't actually there for so long, that when I have these reminders now and then that it was all a figment of my imagination it still takes a bit to process it.


 The mind seems to forget the bad things/times before it forgets the good times. I think you may be falling victim to that. It takes a peckerhead move like that to remind you of the bad. Try to have zero expectations of him, then you won't be disappointed.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It's more of a burn to the girlfriend than it is to you. 



Blondilocks said:


> Can't your daughter point out to the gf what good taste you have? And, that it was meant to be passed on to your son? I doubt that she would get much pleasure out of wearing it with that knowledge (assuming she has a conscience).


That would require getting a child involved in a dispute. It also encourages her to take offense, which should be discouraged.



lucy999 said:


> I'm sorry. He's not very creative in the gift giving department is he? Y-A-W-N.


 haha I agree. If this is the best he can do for his girlfriend she's soon going to learn that he's not really much of a prize.


SunCMars said:


> Traditions are for the traditionally minded.
> 
> He traded those away years ago.
> 
> ...


I agree with the first part of this, but he wouldn't be giving his girlfriend this kind of a gift if he actually valued her. It's a stupid gift to give her something that was supposed be passed onto his son and something that he got from his ex-wife. Furthermore, it required nothing of him to give the gift.




breeze said:


> Thanks all. I honestly don't know what the GF knows about it. I'm not sure it would matter to her as she has never showed signs of a conscience through any of this that I know of.
> 
> My daughter was very clear that she wanted mine one day, which I'm happy to pass to her. She seemed disappointed that her brother would not receive his but a part of me does feel like it's a tainted gift now anyway (or jinxed as SunCMars put it), so I'll get him one of his own one day.
> 
> I wouldn't want my daughter to say anything about it. The other day we had a discussion and she told me she didn't pull her father up when he was trash talking about me because she was afraid he'd get angry.


It may be a nice gesture to gift it to you daughter now, but she shouldn't wear it around the girlfriend as it might bring about a confrontation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Here, new love of my wife! Here is a used gift for you, as a token of the esteem I hold you in."

Yeah. Smooth move, dude, reaaaal smooooth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> It's more of a burn to the girlfriend than it is to you.
> 
> 
> That would require getting a child involved in a dispute. It also encourages her to take offense, which should be discouraged.
> ...


Here's a novel concept for you: It's entirely possible to post your thoughts on the OP without posting your opinion of others' posts.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Here's a novel concept for you: It's entirely possible to post your thoughts on the OP without posting your opinion of others' posts.


Forums are for discussion. If you don't think people should comment on each other's posts, then take your own advice. Just block me if my posts bother you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What a scumbag. Is there a chance the gf doesn't know it's a "regift"? She may think he bought it especially for her. I know there's no way I'd want something that my husband gave to his ex wife, yuck.



breeze said:


> I wouldn't want my daughter to say anything about it. The other day we had a discussion and she told me she didn't pull her father up when he was trash talking about me because she was afraid he'd get angry.


You're a good mum. He shouldn't be badmouthing you in front of either of the children, that's so wrong. My stepdaughter will be able to honestly say that she's never heard my husband badmouth her mother, ever. Pity the same can't be said for her mother...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

frusdil said:


> What a scumbag. Is there a chance the gf doesn't know it's a "regift"? She may think he bought it especially for her. I know there's no way I'd want something that my husband gave to his ex wife, yuck.
> 
> 
> 
> You're a good mum. He shouldn't be badmouthing you in front of either of the children, that's so wrong. My stepdaughter will be able to honestly say that she's never heard my husband badmouth her mother, ever. Pity the same can't be said for her mother...


It's possible she doesn't know. I don't personally know any woman who would take such a gift if they knew.

As for the bad mouthing me, asaik it's mostly been about household contents these days. At the start it was other stuff as well, but the kids haven't brought that stuff up for a while now so I'm hoping he's stopped (I don't ask though). He got the majority of household contents but because he had to buy some stuff, it peeved him off. If he cared to think about how much stuff I had to replace, he'd realise that his complaints are ridiculous, but that's never going to happen.

I am fed up with it all though, which is how the discussion with my daughter came up. I basically sighed and said "of course he did" when they said their Dad must've 'forgotten' to add me to their contact list when setting up a way for us to all communicate via chat. He managed to add his gf to their list though. Anyway, I'll be honest and admit to letting that slip through when I should've kept it to myself. DD got upset and later came to tell me it made her feel bad. I apologised, but I did say that it feels like the kids hear all this stuff about me from their Dad and never say anything (it feels like yet another betrayal). That's when DD said she couldn't say anything to her Dad when he bad mouths me because she's afraid he'll get angry at her. I felt really bad then and told her she shouldn't need to say anything, that I was really sorry and would do better. Apologised to DS too who just looked at me and said he understood and gave me a hug. DS is only 10 but sometimes it feels like he's so much older.

So there you go, I'm not innocent either. I'm emotionally rung out though. I feel like I've had to deal with the lions share of the emotional backlash the separation has caused for the kids, and add to that hearing bad stuff about myself setting them back again and again. Makes me want to punch him in the head.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Rubix Cubed said:


> The mind seems to forget the bad things/times before it forgets the good times. I think you may be falling victim to that. It takes a peckerhead move like that to remind you of the bad. Try to have zero expectations of him, then you won't be disappointed.


I've been thinking about this and to be honest, I struggle to remember anything good. The night I decided to move out was after he said to me, "I've never been happy". It feels like from that moment that statement went through my brain and systematically destroyed every good memory, like a virus wiping out a hard drive. I didn't realise at the time exactly what was happening, it occurred to me quite a while later when I read something that said people shouldn't focus on all the good in a past relationship. Now as I sit here, the only good memories that come to mind revolve around the kids. I guess I could try to think of something, but I don't see any point at this stage.

I do have a problem with expectations though. I think it's not that I expect more of him because he was my husband, but because he's the father of my children.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

To assign reason and logic to people that are not is impossible. Playing mental gymnastics to try and understand is a fruitless hunt.

While I've never been divorced or in marriage trouble, I've read enough here to understand all betrayed go through this. Hang in there.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

He is an A-hole be glad your done with him.
I kind of feel sorry for the girlfriend, he gave her
a used gift.Shows he only cares about himself.

Divorced parents who bad mouth their ex in front of 
their children are stupid. Kids are very smart and pick up
on things quickly. It will backfire on him. Sounds like 
your DD and DS are seeing how he is.They know who 
they can rely on to be there for them YOU 

Continue to be the obvious strong person, parent,
and loving mother that you are. Let him rot in his self pity
and anger. You can and will be better off in the long run.
Remember to take care of yourself and don't let A-hole 
stress you out.

Thick skin is necessary when dealing with someone with a 
thick head.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

AliceA said:


> It's possible she doesn't know. I don't personally know any woman who would take such a gift if they knew.
> 
> As for the bad mouthing me, asaik it's mostly been about household contents these days. At the start it was other stuff as well, but the kids haven't brought that stuff up for a while now so I'm hoping he's stopped (I don't ask though). He got the majority of household contents but because he had to buy some stuff, it peeved him off. If he cared to think about how much stuff I had to replace, he'd realise that his complaints are ridiculous, but that's never going to happen.
> 
> ...


I get that this may not have seemed fair ...
But the fact that your daughter feels safe enough in her relationship with you to be honest (even if it that may mean confronting some small unpleasantness) is awesome. It points to a strong, loving and trusting bond between you. That your kids know that you love them and will be there for them no matter what. 

That your daughter feels that she has to edit who she is and how she feels with her father because he might get upset ... not so much. (I'm think that the whole concept of unconditional love probably passed him by.) 

As to the gift? That pounamu you gave to your husband was also intended as a gift from you to your son (and his child and grandchild thereafter) through his father. In treating it with such disdain, your husband proves himself unworthy of being any part of that cycle. I think that giving your son his own necklace directly from you doesn't just celebrate a beautiful concept of ancestral connection. It could even have particular meaning in your case. Traditionally, pounamu are said to absorb the essence of the wearer. (Just saying.)


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