# I think my wife is addicted to porn



## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Hi all. First post here. 

Not sure what I’m looking for exactly. Input? Advice? Opinions? 

I think my wife is addicted or maybe just dependent on porn. We’ve always had an active and satisfying sex life, at least I feel that way and am sure she did too at one point. 

However lately my wife has seemed not so into our encounters together. She seems almost distracted and just not as “enthusiastic” to describe it simply. It’s been going on for several months now. Finally I asked her what was going on? Was I doing something wrong? She brushed me off and said nothing was wrong, insisting that nothing had changed about the sex. I think she even started faking orgasms. I can tell the difference after she’s had an orgasm things were obviously not the same physically - no tell take signs of orgasm. 

After I kept pushing she said she’s just feeling a little off, scared of pregnancy. She’s had 6 miscarriages in the past 3 years, but these changes just started within the past few months. I accepted that for a time because I felt like an a-hole pushing her if she was having a hard time dealing with the miscarriages. 

Then about a week ago our kids were both away for the night and when I came home from work, excited for some uninterrupted adult time, I found her in our bed watching porn and masturbating. Now, I don’t have a problem with porn. I’ve used it. Would rather be with my wife. Porn doesn’t interest me much these days, but I don’t think it’s inherently evil. Honestly, I thought it was kind of hot that I had caught her doing it. I tried to involve myself, which was a mistake. I didn’t even need to have sex with her, but it would have been nice if she had allowed me to be involved, to watch, to kiss her, touch her, maybe help her with her with my fingers or a toy. She pushed me away from her and got up and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her and complaining about how I interrupted her time. She was ANGRY! 

I told her I was sorry, she just looked so sexy and I had no problem with her doing it, just thought it’d be fun for us to play together. She apologized later and said she has just been trying to get her libido back up by watching porn. Hmm. So we don’t really mention it again and in the coming weeks we had sex together quite a few times. I noticed she was wanting to try different things and new positions that we’ve never done in the entire time weave been together. Fine, I’m game. All that seemed to do was frustrate her. She’d try a position and decide after 30 seconds it wasn’t working and get upset. She was never like this before. We do a number of positions normally but these were sort of off the wall positions, very much “porn” sort of moves. That’s when it dawned on me. I asked her if she had learned all this stuff from porn. She admitted yes. It didn’t upset me. I think it’s fun to try new things but I don’t get bent out of shape if some crazy position just doesn’t actually work as well in reality as it looks in porn!

So when she confessed that these moves were things she sees in porn she started crying and said she’s sorry but now sex seems so boring to her and she’s having a hard time getting turned on during actual sex. She told me she masturbates almost daily, sometimes more than once a day. She insists she loves me and finds me attractive but that now she’s so used to watching her favorite scenes in porn that it’s the only thing that can turn her on. 

One of her favorite things to watch is close up shots of PIV when the kale is orgasming and he had the top several inches of his penis inside but the remainder of his penis is outside and you can see the penis pulsing as he orgasms and shoots inside of the woman. She told me sometimes she will just isolate that part and replay it 15-20 times in a row while she masturbates. I mean that’s hot but at this point I’m sort of stunned as she’s confessing this to me. I suggest we use a mirror so she can see that when we have sex together. We tried a large mirror on the wall. She seemed to like it but there are a few problems. It really only works well as far as visuals go (according to her) with one position, which also happens to not be any of the positions that she really enjoys. What am I supposed to do? Cover every wall, the floor, and ceiling with mirrors so she can get a look? Another issue is that I don’t have a porn d!ck. She enjoys watching very large penises that look so perfect they almost seem fake, you know the perfect length AND girth, perfect amount of veins, and absolutely no hair on the guy from the bellybutton down. I’m not small, but I’m just a normal average guy and before this I never had an insecurities about my size, no complaints before. So anyway, when she’s watching a guy with a 10+ inch long penis you can really see the pulsing during orgasm. It’s harder for us when one I’m basically having to hold her up high enough so she can see while I’m also trying to orgasm and keep my penis at just the right amount of length inside of her and outside of her. She’s even yelled “no, no, you’re too far in!” right in the middle of my orgasm. Sorry, I can’t see the mirror and it doesn’t feel good to have to hold myself 3 inches inside you, not 2.75 or 3.25! 

Another issue is that I travel for work, a lot. I realize that this all sort of started at just about the same time I was on a 2 week business trip, one of the first times I’ve been gone that long since COVID. I’m fine if she masturbates. I don’t need her to wait 2 weeks for me to get home. I was gone for a week in the beginning of June and thought maybe she’s be into phone doing some stuff over video call because she could at least watch, but she wasn’t very interested. 

Now this week she has brushed me off for sex twice because she “already took care of herself.” I don’t expect her to have sex with me any time I want, but this is just so unusual for her. She said “I tried to get your attention.” When? When did you do anything to indicate you wanted to have sex with me those nights? If you had I would have been in the bed before you could blink! But now I’m questioning did I just miss her queues? Have I been missing a lot more than just that?

Apologies for the massive post. Didn’t realize I had typed that much until I posted it.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Well, you don't typically see a guy talking about his wife using too much (or any) porn but I suppose it happens. I like watching porn when my wife is not interested so I am not "anti-porn". But I do think your wife is wrong for putting porn in front of having sex with you. Anytime porn replaces the real partner, I think its a problem. If she is telling you No because she just got off to porn, that's wrong. And "getting your attention"? What does that mean? If someone wants sex, they should walk right up and either say it or start the action.

I don't have any answers aside from what she is doing is wrong. It would be nice if she would be open to watching it WITH you and enjoying it as part of your sex life. Maybe keep suggesting that to her?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Well this is an interesting twist on the typical porn post.
There’s clearly something more going on than your wife suddenly developing a taste for porn.

Focus on her actions and behavior, not her words.
Clearly her sexual desire for you is waning. Maybe she’s just losing attraction for you, maybe she’s getting her wires mixed up from the porn, maybe she’s seeing things that she really likes in porn that you’re not. 
What kinds of scenes does she seem to be most into?

Kind of hard to psychoanalyze it all but it seems like there’s a problem there and you are not her top point of desire. I wouldn’t overblow it yet, but I would keep digging.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I've known women that like to have sex and like the sensation and orgasms during PIV. I've even known a number of women that enjoy and embrace porn and would masturbate to it and watch it together and try some of the things presented in it. 

But never in all my travels have I heard a woman describing a 'perfect' penis to include veins and amount of belly hair and I don't know if I've ever heard a woman even say the word 'pulsating" before.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> But never in all my travels have I heard a woman describing a 'perfect' penis to include veins and amount of belly hair and I don't know if I've ever heard a woman even say the word 'pulsating" before.


Well, meet my wife. 

I’m not sure she’s used the word pulsating specifically but she specifically likes to see the penis involuntarily pulsing as the man orgasms and the semen shoots out. I don’t know how else to describe it.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I have suggested that we watch it together before or during sex. No. She doesn’t want me watching her stuff because she doesn’t think I’ll like it. Then I said she can watch it during sex and have the phone positioned where she can see it and I can’t, if that will make her happy. Tried that and she got too embarrassed. Admittedly, she was so focused on staring at the screen just beyond my head that it really wants enjoyable for me anyway.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

High and dry said:


> She insists she loves me and finds me attractive.


@High and dry watch her actions, not her words!



High and dry said:


> She’s even yelled “no, no, you’re too far in!” right in the middle of my orgasm. Sorry, I can’t see the mirror and it doesn’t feel good to have to hold myself 3 inches inside you, not 2.75 or 3.25!


Ya that's not going to work, and btw *most of the porn scenes are not really good or satisfying when you practice it in real life*, they need to do it to get the camera angles right (the perfect shot)!
And thinking about it, it's really not practical, in general when we orgasm we want to keep some kind of movement (slow thrusting) to get the full enjoyment, in that porn scene (almost all porn scenes) the actor doesn't, just stoping there and pulsing while he shoots is meant for the scene to look hot not for the actors to enjoy the encounters.

I think you are starting to have a really serious issue on your hands, because this will escalate even more (bit by bit), plus you have to be careful, one toxic friend will be enough to make her look outside the marriage to get that fulfilment.

Have you read Athol Kay's book MMSLP?
Check it out, some good advice that might help you: The Married Man Sex Life Primer - By Athol Kay
When you first read it, you might think that not all what said in the book applies to you (some parts will) but you are headed there!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is strange to read of a wife being so into porn in the way you described. There’s porn that is more geared for women viewers and those don’t tend to emphasize what you’re describing. 

I also would think that watching porn would ratchet up her desire for real sex. With you being gone for a week, I would think she’d want to pounce on you. You should do your due diligence and verify that she doesn’t have a fwb that is meeting her needs while you’re gone for a week at a time. Her telling you about the porn could be a ruse to throw you off the scent of where she’s learning her new moves. Trust but verify. Just saying.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What a rather unpleasant situation!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Any kind of “addiction” is usually an escape from reality for the addict. Does your wife seem overwhelmed with something going on in her life or with the marriage? That might be her go to for an “escape.” I’d say the same about men too who get addicted to porn, that it starts to become “better than reality,” and eventually a habit that turns into an addiction.

Any addiction is unhealthy for the addict and those around them. If she were addicted to meth, you’d be finding a way to intervene or discuss having her enter a rehab. This is no different. If it’s honestly an addiction, it shouldn’t be treated any differently than an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Not that she needs a rehab, but that she needs to find a way to stop the habit because it’s not healthy at this point in your marriage, or for her. If you absolutely need porn or a drug or alcohol…need…to get through your day, you’re addicted. Just my opinion, fwiw.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sad story with no good answers, and likely no good outcome. It would seem your attempt to blend what she is into with porn into your repertoire is not practical or workable. A waste of time.

Usually addictions ( which sounds like your wife is well on her way to cultivating ) take a tremendous effort to overcome. And your wife would have to want to overcome it, which she obviously doesn't. Eventually she may seek the real version of what she is seeing on the screen. Addictions never stand still.

Is it possible this addiction is connected to the miscarriages not being processed sufficiently?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This is off topic, but you know what can’t happen when you’re masturbating to porn? You can’t get pregnant and have a miscarriage. It’s easy and fun to attack the wife but she’s been through some stuff and might be struggling. I wonder if she has any friends or family for support.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is a sad story like so many others where porn use damages the sex life between the partners and consequently the marriage. Sadly nothing will change unless she stops completely and trying to include porn in your sex life isn't going to work. 
You may need to have a very serious talk and ask her to stop so you can both focus in each other again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is off topic, but you know what can’t happen when you’re masturbating to porn? You can’t get pregnant and have a miscarriage. It’s easy and fun to attack the wife but she’s been through some stuff and might be struggling. I wonder if she has any friends or family for support.


The same with good birth control.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The same with good birth control.


That’s true. Have you miscarried? Again, it’s easy and fun to attack her, but there could be mourning going on you don’t understand. But her feelings and mental health are off topic. This is about him. I just hope she has someone in her life she can talk to.

Losing 6 children in 3 years. That poor woman.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Deidre* said:


> Any kind of “addiction” is usually an escape from reality for the addict. Does your wife seem overwhelmed with something going on in her life or with the marriage? That might be her go to for an “escape.” I’d say the same about men too who get addicted to porn, that it starts to become “better than reality,” and eventually a habit that turns into an addiction.
> 
> Any addiction is unhealthy for the addict and those around them. If she were addicted to meth, you’d be finding a way to intervene or discuss having her enter a rehab. This is no different. If it’s honestly an addiction, it shouldn’t be treated any differently than an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Not that she needs a rehab, but that she needs to find a way to stop the habit because it’s not healthy at this point in your marriage, or for her. If you absolutely need porn or a drug or alcohol…need…to get through your day, you’re addicted. Just my opinion, fwiw.


It is vastly different from meth, cocaine, opioids, substance abuse. So no don't address this solely based on those expectations.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> That might be her go to for an “escape.” I’d say the same about men too who get addicted to porn, that it starts to become “better than reality,”


I think thats why porn use is so high, it is an escape from reality and can indeed be better than reality for some.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is off topic, but you know what can’t happen when you’re masturbating to porn? You can’t get pregnant and have a miscarriage. It’s easy and fun to attack the wife but she’s been through some stuff and might be struggling. I wonder if she has any friends or family for support.


IMO you have highlighted what may be root cause. She needs some professional help processing miscarriage and addressing fear of pregnancy. Husband should focus on helping her with those.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> The same with good birth control.


Not everyone wants to use birth control though. I’m scared of it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> but there could be mourning going on you don’t understand.


My wife has a good friend who miscarried *decades* ago. And the woman still has grief sometimes about it. My wife has been her shoulder to cry on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s true. Have you miscarried? Again, it’s easy and fun to attack her, but there could be mourning going on you don’t understand. But her feelings and mental health are off topic. This is about him. I just hope she has someone in her life she can talk to.
> 
> Losing 6 children in 3 years. That poor woman.


There very reliable ways of preventing pregnancy that don't ruin your sex life and damage your marriage like porn does.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Not everyone wants to use birth control though. I’m scared of it.


Why are you scared of it? It's perfectly safe and reliable.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Why are you scared of it? It's perfectly safe and reliable.


I had a blood clot years ago and doctors are pretty sure the birth control caused it so now I’m terrified of ever using it again, even the kinds that are supposed to be safer.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I had a blood clot years ago and doctors are pretty sure the birth control caused it so now I’m terrified of ever using it again, even the kinds that are supposed to be safer.


There are so many different types now that would be safe. Safer than getting pregnant.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> There very reliable ways of preventing pregnancy that don't ruin your sex life and damage your marriage like porn does.


You're ignoring what I'm saying completely. Why would a sexually healthy young woman blow up her marriage with porn? You honestly believe this has NOTHING to do with losing 6 children? You don't think there could be ANYTHING going on with her mental health? There are certainly ways of preventing pregnancy; but what if she has irrational fears from her grief?

I get that it's hard sometimes to see what's going on in the muck from an ivory tower. Imagine losing a child. Now imagine losing 6 in 3 years. What would that do to your self esteem? to your heart? It would crush my soul. If she's doing crazy things, perhaps focusing on how she is failing to submit adequately to her husband is missing the forest for the trees. 

I would really like to know if this woman has ANY sort of support system. Where is her mother? Does she have a sister? Friends? Or is she alone?


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> There are so many different types now that would be safe. Safer than getting pregnant.


Well, I have no children, never been pregnant before, and obviously haven’t experienced a miscarriage. If I got pregnant it would be a more pleasant surprise than another blood clot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Well, I have no children, never been pregnant before, and obviously haven’t experienced a miscarriage. If I got pregnant it would be a more pleasant surprise than another blood clot.


Yes I am sure it would.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You're ignoring what I'm saying completely. Why would a sexually healthy young woman blow up her marriage with porn? You honestly believe this has NOTHING to do with losing 6 children? You don't think there could be ANYTHING going on with her mental health? There are certainly ways of preventing pregnancy; but what if she has irrational fears from her grief?
> 
> I get that it's hard sometimes to see what's going on in the muck from an ivory tower. Imagine losing a child. Now imagine losing 6 in 3 years. What would that do to your self esteem? to your heart? It would crush my soul. If she's doing crazy things, perhaps focusing on how she is failing to submit adequately to her husband is missing the forest for the trees.
> 
> I would really like to know if this woman has ANY sort of support system. Where is her mother? Does she have a sister? Friends? Or is she alone?


Neither you or I know if the porn use has anything to do with the miscarriages so maybe stop making assumptions. You seem to also forget that dad's too can and do suffer if there is a miscarriage. However if they have now had all their children(he mentioned children)there are very safe birth control methods or even permanent ways of making sure pregnancy isnt an option. So if her fear is getting pregnant again that can be prevented. 
She may have had lots of support from her family/friends or even a counsellor we don't know.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Porn can be really great for a married couples sex life. It certainly helps with new ideas to keep things exciting. 

But it sounds like there is something else wrong in the marriage that is causing her to withdraw from you. It could be she is seeing someone on the side or it could be that she is falling out of love with you. Women don't typically directly communicate when something is wrong. They will start withdrawing and sex is one of the first things to go.... IMO, it's a very immature way of saying I am not happy rather than just actually saying what the problem is and trying to work on a fix. In fact, I just recently saw a post from a female saying that she is trying to detach herself emotionally from her husband and he has no idea of her intentions. I thought to myself what a sad and pathetically immature way of handling a relationship.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s true. Have you miscarried? Again, it’s easy and fun to attack her, but there could be mourning going on you don’t understand. But her feelings and mental health are off topic. This is about him. I just hope she has someone in her life she can talk to.
> 
> Losing 6 children in 3 years. That poor woman.


My wife had 6 miscarries and a tubal before our 2 sons. 1st miscarry was at 27 weeks at the back of Walmart.

It was a very simple fix. Dumbass local OBGYNS had no clue.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Kaliber said:


> @High and dry watch her actions, not her words!
> 
> 
> Ya that's not going to work, and btw *most of the porn scenes are not really good or satisfying when you practice it in real life*, they need to do it to get the camera angles right (the perfect shot)!
> ...


Yeah I know a lot of the stuff you see in porn is not realistic or won’t actually be pleasurable I’m real life, but I figured it was worth trying to see if it made a difference to her. I didn’t know what else to do to try to make her happy.

Haven’t heard of that book before.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I’ve not had the feeling that she’s sleeping with somebody else. It’s not something that I considered (yet). I really believe that she’s just watching a lot of porn but I still can’t figure out why it’s become so frequent or why she seems to prefer it over sex together.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It is vastly different from meth, cocaine, opioids, substance abuse. So no don't address this solely based on those expectations.


It’s a different type of addiction yes, but it’s destroyed people’s lives in the same way. Destroyed relationships and marriages. It just gets a pass in our culture whereas drug addiction has a different stigma.

There have been studies showing similar brain activity comparing people addicted to porn and people addicted to drugs - the dopamine effect and so on. Here's some insight into it...









Brain activity in sex addiction mirrors that of drug addiction


Pornography triggers brain activity in people with compulsive sexual behaviour – known commonly as sex addiction – similar to that triggered by drugs in the




www.cam.ac.uk




.

My point being, porn addiction isn't something to take lightly.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Neither you or I know if the porn use has anything to do with the miscarriages so maybe stop making assumptions. You seem to also forget that dad's too can and do suffer if there is a miscarriage. However if they have now had all their children(he mentioned children)there are very safe birth control methods or even permanent ways of making sure pregnancy isnt an option. So if her fear is getting pregnant again that can be prevented.
> She may have had lots of support from her family/friends or even a counsellor we don't know.


I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she isn’t a horrible person, but a person who went through something horrible. Instead of immediately judging her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

High and dry said:


> After I kept pushing she said she’s just feeling a little off, scared of pregnancy. She’s had 6 miscarriages in the past 3 years, but these changes just started within the past few months. I accepted that for a time because I felt like an a-hole pushing her if she was having a hard time dealing with the miscarriages.


This is what needs to be addressed. 

Why do you keep knocking her up when she is having trouble carrying pregnancies?

IMHO this is almost abusive and can even be threatening to not only her health but her very life. 

It's wonder she's letting you get near her with that thing at all. 

Yes the porn is probably not good. But it's a good bet that it is a symptom or a complication from bigger issues and this is the bigger issue.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

As far as the miscarriage and birth control topics go, there’s a lot to unpack there.

We have 2 kids, 8 and 5. They were conceived without complications. When our youngest we 2 we began trying for another baby. She got pregnant quickly and then lost the baby quickly. Since then she’s had 5 more miscarriages all at various stages of pregnancy, 16 weeks was the furthest along she got. It has affected both of us but she has been affected more deeply by it. She remembers and mourns on the dates of each one and I honestly do not even remember the dates. I don’t think I’ve been unsympathetic. I don’t think she should just “get over it,” but there are things she could do that might help her to deal with it. I’ve encouraged her to get counseling and offered to go with her or not go with her, whatever she’d prefer. She refuses to see a therapist. 

She will not use birth control. She’s Catholic and adheres to most of that stuff. I’m Catholic too but not as much of a follower. I’ve encouraged her to look at birth control options if she’s that scared of pregnancy. When she refused, I offered to get a vasectomy but that seemed to anger her because she still wants another child. That’s yet another reason she has for not exploring birth control. She’s worried it’ll make it more difficult for her to get pregnant when she wants to try again. She isn’t ready yet, but she’s 37 and we agreed that 40 would be the absolute cap for children. I’m 39.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m so sorry she won’t see a therapist. She needs help. She’s wrecking her marriage by not dealing with her problems. It’s tough when people have blocks against therapy. I’m so sorry. 🥺


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This is what needs to be addressed.
> 
> Why do you keep knocking her up when she is having trouble carrying pregnancies?
> 
> ...


Excuse me? I’m not forcibly impregnating her. 

All but one of those pregnancies was planned by both of us. The other one wasn’t so planned but was a happy and welcome accident. This is all mainly based on her desire to have a 3rd child. I’m perfectly content with the 2 that we have but she wanted a bigger family and I didn’t have a problem with that to an extent. I’ve offered to get a vasectomy and also encouraged her to look into birth control but she refuses.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife had 6 miscarries and a tubal before our 2 sons. 1st miscarry was at 27 weeks at the back of Walmart.
> 
> It was a very simple fix. Dumbass local OBGYNS had no clue.


27 weeks is really a still birth isn't it. The baby is fully formed and viable. Very sad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

High and dry said:


> Excuse me? I’m not forcibly impregnating her.
> 
> All but one of those pregnancies was planned by both of us. The other one wasn’t so planned but was a happy and welcome accident. This is all mainly based on her desire to have a 3rd child. I’m perfectly content with the 2 that we have but she wanted a bigger family and I didn’t have a problem with that to an extent. I’ve offered to get a vasectomy and also encouraged her to look into birth control but she refuses.


It's a no win situation isn't it. Then the porn sadly just makes everything worse.She won't use birth control but isn't wanting to try for another baby at this time. Most RC's use birth control now. 
I hope you can maybe get some good MC to enable you both to communicate about all this before it gets worse.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

No to birth control on religious grounds but excessive porn use is ok? That she had 6 miscarriages can be a major cause of her lack of desire for sex for fear of getting pregnant. 

As a man, it’s hard for me to grasp how devastating miscarriages are to women. In your case, I just question why is this fear a more recent issue, when the miscarriages were years before. I would believe that the fear would lead to a complete turn off from any sex related activities but here she is, addicted to porn.

I’ve lost count of the number of women that ended up having very sexual affairs after experiencing a miscarriage. I guess, instead of an affair, she’s acting out in a different way through the porn use. I just hope that it really is only porn use and that it is not also mixed in with a fwb that she wantonly replicates what she sees.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think your wife is full of crap, just making excuses.

I think she hooked up and is trying to recreate the experience she had with the other guy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Deidre* said:


> It’s a different type of addiction yes, but it’s destroyed people’s lives in the same way. Destroyed relationships and marriages. It just gets a pass in our culture whereas drug addiction has a different stigma.
> 
> There have been studies showing similar brain activity comparing people addicted to porn and people addicted to drugs - the dopamine effect and so on. Here's some insight into it...
> 
> ...


A good point. 

That said one needs to bear in mind the huge differences. As well as the term porn addiction thrown around like candy...isn't helpful.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

High and dry said:


> I’ve not had the feeling that she’s sleeping with somebody else. It’s not something that I considered (yet). I really believe that she’s just watching a lot of porn but I still can’t figure out why it’s become so frequent or why she seems to prefer it over sex together.


Because she might be thinking of someone in particular and you ruin the moment.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

High and dry said:


> As far as the miscarriage and birth control topics go, there’s a lot to unpack there.
> 
> We have 2 kids, 8 and 5. They were conceived without complications. When our youngest we 2 we began trying for another baby. She got pregnant quickly and then lost the baby quickly. Since then she’s had 5 more miscarriages all at various stages of pregnancy, 16 weeks was the furthest along she got. It has affected both of us but she has been affected more deeply by it. She remembers and mourns on the dates of each one and I honestly do not even remember the dates. I don’t think I’ve been unsympathetic. I don’t think she should just “get over it,” but there are things she could do that might help her to deal with it. I’ve encouraged her to get counseling and offered to go with her or not go with her, whatever she’d prefer. She refuses to see a therapist.
> 
> She will not use birth control. She’s Catholic and adheres to most of that stuff. I’m Catholic too but not as much of a follower. I’ve encouraged her to look at birth control options if she’s that scared of pregnancy. When she refused, I offered to get a vasectomy but that seemed to anger her because she still wants another child. That’s yet another reason she has for not exploring birth control. She’s worried it’ll make it more difficult for her to get pregnant when she wants to try again. She isn’t ready yet, but she’s 37 and we agreed that 40 would be the absolute cap for children. I’m 39.


She watches porn but won’t use birth control, doesn’t make any sense.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> A good point.
> 
> That said one needs to bear in mind the huge differences. As well as the term porn addiction thrown around like candy...isn't helpful.


This is why I don’t want to say at this point that she had a true porn addiction but maybe a dependence forming.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> I think your wife is full of crap, just making excuses.
> 
> I think she hooked up and is trying to recreate the experience she had with the other guy.


What makes you jump to that conclusion?


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

@High and dry, You sound like a husband who is genuinely trying and concerned for your wife's happiness and for the health of your marriage. If it seemed otherwise, I would lean towards, 'she wants something and you are not listening and delivering.' But it sounds like, using the information she is willing to share with you, you are jumping through hoops and going above and beyond. 

It seems you have given her plenty of options and answers for the problems presented, and she simply comes up with reasons they won't work instead of trying to solve them. (Worried about miscarriage/won't use birth control, etc).

At this point, the only thing you are really able to do is, decide what your boundaries are and then stick to them. Decide what you want your marriage to look like today, tomorrow and the distant future. 

What are the things you need from her to feel confident that your partner desires you and not some random 'eggplant' on a video clip. What is the frequency of sex and intimacy that you need to feel secure and connected in your marriage. Figure out those boundaries NOW! Present them, tell her this is non-negotiable, that these are things you need to be happy in the relationship. She can decide if addressing her issues, which are harming you, are worth getting help for or not. 

Its understandable that she has damage and concern from having so many miscarriages. But it is not understandable that she is willing to damage you, pretend that the miscarriages didn't affect you as well, or that the backlash of them is not affecting the marriage. A refusal to deal with the problem, through personal introspection, professional help, or working it out together is an admission that she is more worried about herself than you. By sticking up for yourself, you will also be sticking up for your relationship with the mother of your children...whether that is a relationship where you stay married or co-parent separately, that will be up to her at this point. It's only going to get worse if you don't address it.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> No to birth control on religious grounds but excessive porn use is ok? That she had 6 miscarriages can be a major cause of her lack of desire for sex for fear of getting pregnant.
> 
> As a man, it’s hard for me to grasp how devastating miscarriages are to women. In your case, I just question why is this fear a more recent issue, when the miscarriages were years before. I would believe that the fear would lead to a complete turn off from any sex related activities but here she is, addicted to porn.
> 
> I’ve lost count of the number of women that ended up having very sexual affairs after experiencing a miscarriage. I guess, instead of an affair, she’s acting out in a different way through the porn use. I just hope that it really is only porn use and that it is not also mixed in with a fwb that she wantonly replicates what she sees.


I’ve questioned her about how porn could possibly be in line with her beliefs but she told me to stop trying to make her feel bad and turned it around on me and made it about all of the things I do that doesn’t align with our religion. It’s not my intention to make her feel guilty or shame her for watching it. 

I’m also a little confused as to why only in the past few months there’s this supposed fear of pregnancy. Up until then, our sex life was just as it had always been. Naturally there would be some time after each miscarriage before we’d get back into the swing of things. The last miscarriage was around 8 months ago. 

I didn’t know it was coming for women to have affairs after miscarriages. Never heard of that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> A good point.
> 
> That said one needs to bear in mind the huge differences. As well as the term porn addiction thrown around like candy...isn't helpful.


Agreed. If a person can’t go a day without ((insert vice)), to the point where they are panicking, angry, depressed, withdrawn etc…it’s likely that they’re suffering from an addiction. Occasionally viewing porn on the other hand, wouldn’t be in that category.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

High and dry said:


> What makes you jump to that conclusion?


Have they found the reason for the miscarries? Does she want more children? If so see if progesterone therapy may fix the issue. We finally found an OBGYN that knew their crap. Wife carried next two to term.

The uterus base was not thickening up fast enough to carry the pregnancy. Dr. prescribed progesterone suppositories, he had local compounding pharmacy make to his instructions, to trick uterus to think it was pregnant to get ahead of the curve so to speak. She carried next 2 pregnancies no problem.

Sadly, there are probably many women going through miscarries after miscarries that this would be a simple fix of inserting a vaginal suppository before bed.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

High and dry said:


> What makes you jump to that conclusion?


_
I noticed she was wanting to try different things and new positions that we’ve *never done in the entire time weave been together.*_

Any changes out of the blue - new sexual positions for example usually means there is a new partner.

_Another issue is that I travel for work, a lot. I realize that *this all sort of started at just about the same time I was on a 2 week business trip*, one of the first times I’ve been gone that long since COVID_

It would be prudent for you to investigate her activities around this time period.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I had a blood clot years ago and doctors are pretty sure the birth control caused it so now I’m terrified of ever using it again, even the kinds that are supposed to be safer.


Ever heard of an IUD? No blood clots, no hormonal swings. At least as I understand it (not a doctor), and works well for my wife


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

High and dry said:


> I’ve questioned her about how porn could possibly be in line with her beliefs but she told me to stop trying to make her feel bad and turned it around on me and made it about all of the things I do that doesn’t align with our religion. It’s not my intention to make her feel guilty or shame her for watching it.
> 
> I’m also a little confused as to why only in the past few months there’s this supposed fear of pregnancy. Up until then, our sex life was just as it had always been. Naturally there would be some time after each miscarriage before we’d get back into the swing of things. The last miscarriage was around 8 months ago.
> 
> I didn’t know it was coming for women to have affairs after miscarriages. Never heard of that.


You are being manipulated dude, and you’re passively letting it happen. You need to start digging and figure out what’s going on because something is very off here.

And as another poster mentioned, you need to decide what you’re boundaries and expectations are for your marriage and your wife, and you need to act accordingly.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Ever heard of an IUD? No blood clots, no hormonal swings. At least as I understand it (not a doctor), and works well for my wife


Scared of something being in my body, unfortunately.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Scared of something being in my body, unfortunately.


Why doesn't H get a vasectomy?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why doesn't H get a vasectomy?


He mentioned this to his wife and she got very upset. She is wanting another child eventually


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> He mentioned this to his wife and she got very upset. She is wanting another child eventually


With all the grief and back and forth controversy? That's like asking for an ass whipping!!

Another you said? They have one now? I missed that if so.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Ever heard of an IUD? No blood clots, no hormonal swings. At least as I understand it (not a doctor), and works well for my wife


One of our descendants had all sorts of trouble with an IUD. Major issues. Like bleeding and tremendous pain. Not every woman can tolerate every possible form of BC. Besides, the OP's wife is strict RC on this. I am not RC but have always heard the only accepted method was rhythm.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> With all the grief and back and forth controversy? That's like asking for an ass whipping!!
> 
> Another you said? They have one now? I missed that if so.


They have two and have been trying for three hence the multiple miscarriage. Seems like a real specialist's help is needed with their problems. They both have been traumatized by the miscarriages.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's pretty normal for a woman to be worried about pregnancy after losses. She could have crappy reasons for the recent feelings towards sex, or something may have triggered her. Like her period being a bit late or possible pregnancy symptoms that scared her, reading something online, a friend having a miscarriage, etc. Also for someone who has been down the TTC/miscarriage path, even just having a period or protected sex can be triggering - even when they are not actively TTC, because it brings up the old feelings.

People who pretend birth control is 100% effective are idiots. Nothing but abstinence is 100% effective and BC methods DO fail. For someone who is worried about pregnancy just the act of sex can be triggering, BC or not, and they know BC can fail. That includes "permanent" methods. I have one cooking that's currently 36 weeks after "permanently" preventing. And one of my wife's miscarriages was conceived while using a condom. 

The options available to women are also not 100% safe or free of side effects, including IUDs. If the OP's wife is against BC then she will likely only use NFP. She should be against a vasectomy as well, and not just because she wants another child.

My wife has had many losses as well, some early, some late. Like @Divinely Favored's wife she needs to be on progesterone, as well as a blood thinner and a couple other medications to help her body sustain the pregnancy. So if your wife hasn't been to a fertility specialist, not just a regular OBGYN, she needs to. 

Another baby should remain on pause for now though.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Not everyone wants to use birth control though. I’m scared of it.


Fair enough, they have negative side effects, some long-term-health threatening.

Then she should have her tubes tied, or tell OP to get his weeny vessels, singed shut.

There is more to the story, but miscarriages are certainly psychological damaging to any woman.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Fair enough, they have negative side effects, some long-term-health threatening.
> 
> Then she should have her tubes tied, or tell OP to get his weeny vessels, singed shut.
> 
> There is more to the story, but miscarriages are certainly psychological damaging to any woman.


If she’s against birth control for religious reasons, getting her tubes tied or him having a vasectomy would definitely be out of the question for the same reason. Also remember that she wants to try to have 1 more child.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jsmart said:


> If she’s against birth control for religious reasons, getting her tubes tied or him having a vasectomy would definitely be out of the question for the same reason. Also remember that she wants to try to have 1 more child.


So, how is this going to happen?
She does not want sex with OP.
Why risk a 7th miscarriage?

She should adopt an infant.

She needs to be counseled by her OB/GYN (or a sophisticated birthing options clinic) and an informed psychologist.

I want 5 million dollars, but common sense says it isn't a likely happening.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

#2 on the "What Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility/Recurring Pregnancy Loss" list:



SunCMars said:


> She should adopt an infant.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

High and dry said:


> What makes you jump to that conclusion?


When did this all start?

I think you said after your two week trip.

Her story just doesn’t add up in my mind. Especially the one specific act that she is getting pissed off about you not being able to recreate. My wife and I have tried different positions as well. All in good fun and I have never seen her get pissed off because it didn’t work. We just laugh about it and go on.

This isn’t about her watching porn.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

As for her wanting to watch and have a good view.

Do you have a smart TV in your bedroom?

If so, set your phone up for the view she wants and screen share to the TV.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

High and dry said:


> As far as the miscarriage and birth control topics go, there’s a lot to unpack there.
> 
> We have 2 kids, 8 and 5. They were conceived without complications. When our youngest we 2 we began trying for another baby. She got pregnant quickly and then lost the baby quickly. Since then she’s had 5 more miscarriages all at various stages of pregnancy, 16 weeks was the furthest along she got. It has affected both of us but she has been affected more deeply by it. She remembers and mourns on the dates of each one and I honestly do not even remember the dates. I don’t think I’ve been unsympathetic. I don’t think she should just “get over it,” but there are things she could do that might help her to deal with it. I’ve encouraged her to get counseling and offered to go with her or not go with her, whatever she’d prefer. She refuses to see a therapist.
> 
> She will not use birth control. She’s Catholic and adheres to most of that stuff. I’m Catholic too but not as much of a follower. I’ve encouraged her to look at birth control options if she’s that scared of pregnancy. When she refused, I offered to get a vasectomy but that seemed to anger her because she still wants another child. That’s yet another reason she has for not exploring birth control. She’s worried it’ll make it more difficult for her to get pregnant when she wants to try again. She isn’t ready yet, but she’s 37 and we agreed that 40 would be the absolute cap for children. I’m 39.


Interesting that she won't use birth control because she is Catholic. But she obsessively....well, you get the picture.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ABHale said:


> As for her wanting to watch and have a good view.
> 
> Do you have a smart TV in your bedroom?
> 
> If so, set your phone up for the view she wants and screen share to the TV.


Or just stop supplicating to her like a passive chump, and tell her that if she can’t be present and focused on you in the bedroom without watching porn during sex, that she’s no longer a viable partner for you. 
Have some ****ing standards and dignity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bobert said:


> #2 on the "What Not To Say To Someone Experiencing Infertility/Recurring Pregnancy Loss" list:




We are supposed to be helping our OP, correct?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> We are supposed to be helping our OP, correct?


Couples experiencing infertility and/or recurring losses are well aware that adoption exists. The people who suggest it are showing their ignorance.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My apologies in advance for those this may trigger but when it comes to more babies there are times where men have to be the voice of reason and just say no. 

My wife had a couple miscarriages. Both "successful" pregnancies were nightmares including perterm contractions, bedrest, bleeding etc etc and both babies were premature and had complications as neonates. By the time they were toddlers they were fine but the pregancies, deliveries and early months of their lives were living hell on earth. 

By that time my wife was in her upper 30s but of course a part of her wanted more as well. But the toll on her body and psyche were too much to risk it again. I was not willing to risk her mental and physical health and possibly her life or the life of another child due to her baby rabies and instinctual drives to try to have just one more offspring. 

I said no and made the appointment to get my plumbing disconnected. While on an intelectual and rational level she agreed with it and consented to it, I know her heart and her maternal drives were against and she cried on the way home from the clinic even though I was the one with the ice pack on my crotch. 

I knew there was a risk she could dump me and find someone else willing to have more kids with her. That was a risk I was willing to take because I would have rather divorced than go through that nightmare again. If she was going to go through all that again, at least it was not going to be with me and I would not be a part of it. 

My point here is if someone well into their 30s is going through all of this, someone or some force of nature is pushing them beyond all rational thought. Either some guy is hell bent on having another son(s) for his own ego and pushing her body and her psyche to their limits and he needs put his junk away and get off of her. 

Or she is giving in to her own baby rabies and irrational maternal drives and is allowing her instincts to put herself and any potential child at risk, in which case the man involves needs to go all Nancy Reagan and just say no and not be a part of it. 
Again, the porn isn't the real issue here. The porn is dust balls in the corner while the house burns down. There are mental, emotional, probably physiological and fundamental relationship issues taking place here and the porn is either a symptom or a complication of the underlying issues.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Porn or not, I’m honestly shocked by the level of callous disregard given to a woman who has lost 6 children.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's a no win situation isn't it. Then the porn sadly just makes everything worse.She won't use birth control but isn't wanting to try for another baby at this time. Most RC's use birth control now.
> I hope you can maybe get some good MC to enable you both to communicate about all this before it gets worse.


I know plenty of Catholic women using birth control or other “unnatural” forms of pregnancy prevention. That won’t change her mind. This is somebody raised in Catholic school whose mother is a religion teacher at said school. She is deep into the teachings. This is another reason why the porn surprised me. 

I don’t want to force her to use birth control. Pressuring her to do that won’t do me any good. I respect her decision and beliefs. When I talked to her about it when this all started it wasn’t in an effort to convince her to get on it but to let her know that I thought it was fine if she wanted to try it, that plenty of other women we know use it, and that I don’t think God will be mad at her. Her mom, who is a NPF devotee and would probably be very upset if she found out my wife was on birth control, doesn’t need to know either. When she said no I didn’t bring it up again, except for one time when I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and asked her how birth control was off the table but porn was ok. I regretted that and she just became more defensive.

Even if she did start using it, I don’t think it will magically solve this problem. I don’t think the current situation is 100% about pregnancy and miscarriages.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> I think your wife is full of crap, just making excuses.
> 
> I think she hooked up and is trying to recreate the experience she had with the other guy.


I really don’t know. I’m not convinced but I suppose that’s why I posted here, to get some different perspectives on the situation. 

Nothing else about our relationship or her behavior seems any different. She’s not doing anything suspicious. 

As I typed everything out and have received more responses I’m starting to think that something, that she’s unwilling to share or maybe doesn’t realize specifically, triggered her into this fear of pregnancy/miscarriage. She still has a sex drive though, so she decided to turn to masturbation and porn. Now she’s become so used to masturbating to the porn and whatever it is that specifically is turning her in about that opposed to us together that not only if she now worried about pregnancy/miscarriage, but also can’t get turned on like she used to by me. 

I honestly didn’t think the pregnancy issue was the biggest reason for whatever is happening. I acknowledge that it’s probably a real fear now but it just seemed to pop out of nowhere and sounded sort of like an empty excuse, like she just wanted to say something that she knew would instantly get me off her back.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Come on Tex. No one is discounting the trauma of a woman going through so many miscarriages. As a man, I don’t fully understand the emotional devastation some women feel when they go through a miscarriage. I’ve been blessed to not have to go through that with my wife’s 4 pregnancy but we just went through that with my daughter in law, who miscarried days after making a big announcement to the family at the end of the 1st trimester. Luckily she did not seem to be to impacted but we were all on edge for a while for her. But I’m sure it would be a whole lot different after 6. 

So I understand your point on stressing that as a factor. I just don’t see the porn use tied to them. If anything, I see the possibility that his wife was recently unfaithful.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Come on Tex. No one is discounting the trauma of a woman going through so many miscarriages. As a man, I don’t fully understand the emotional devastation some women feel when they go through a miscarriage. I’ve been blessed to not have to go through that with my wife’s 4 pregnancy but we just went through that with my daughter in law, who miscarried days after making a big announcement to the family at the end of the 1st trimester. Luckily she did not seem to be to impacted but we were all on edge for a while for her. But I’m sure it would be a whole lot different after 6.
> 
> So I understand your point on stressing that as a factor. I just don’t see the porn use tied to them. If anything, I see the possibility that his wife was recently unfaithful.


I’m allowed to offer an alternate viewpoint, it’s a public forum. You think that trauma from a miscarriage has no connection to sex and fear of pregnancy or self esteem. Fine. I think leaping immediately to “she’s cheating” is projection. That’s why people post different opinions. Not being a cheating wife myself, and being a mother, I have a different perspective. The OP is free to dismiss posts he feels aren’t helpful.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have they found the reason for the miscarries? Does she want more children? If so see if progesterone therapy may fix the issue. We finally found an OBGYN that knew their crap. Wife carried next two to term.
> 
> The uterus base was not thickening up fast enough to carry the pregnancy. Dr. prescribed progesterone suppositories, he had local compounding pharmacy make to his instructions, to trick uterus to think it was pregnant to get ahead of the curve so to speak. She carried next 2 pregnancies no problem.
> 
> Sadly, there are probably many women going through miscarries after miscarries that this would be a simple fix of inserting a vaginal suppository before bed.


They’ve not found a reason and doesn’t want to explore it further right now. After the last miscarriage everything to do with pregnancy was put on an immediate hold and she said she needed some time where we were not thinking about it or discussing it for a while. 

I will make note of this but I guarantee you that she doesn’t want me bringing up any possible medical solutions to the issue right now.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> One of our descendants had all sorts of trouble with an IUD. Major issues. Like bleeding and tremendous pain. Not every woman can tolerate every possible form of BC. Besides, the OP's wife is strict RC on this. I am not RC but have always heard the only accepted method was rhythm.


We use NFP and I’m fine with that. It’s never let us down after all of these years and we normally have sex 4-5 times a week. Only one unplanned pregnancy so far and to be fair it was extremely soon after a loss and her cycle was too messed up to appropriately track at the time. I’ve let her know I would be fine with alternatives as well if she ever decides that she would be interested in exploring them but that’s where I leave it.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Fair enough, they have negative side effects, some long-term-health threatening.
> 
> Then she should have her tubes tied, or tell OP to get his weeny vessels, singed shut.
> 
> There is more to the story, but miscarriages are certainly psychological damaging to any woman.


She would never get her tubes tied. 

Regardless, this is about a lot more than just pregnancy and birth control at this point, in my heart and mind.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> So, how is this going to happen?
> She does not want sex with OP.
> Why risk a 7th miscarriage?
> 
> ...


I don’t even know what to say to this one.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> When did this all start?
> 
> I think you said after your two week trip.
> 
> ...


Maybe so, but I’ve heard of plenty of men who become obsessed with the things they see in porn and when they can’t get that in reality (because it’s not real), they can’t even keep it up anymore. Could a women really be all that different?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Maybe so, but I’ve heard of plenty of men who become obsessed with the things they see in porn and when they can’t get that in reality (because it’s not real), they can’t even keep it up anymore. Could a women really be all that different?


Well and if a man starts watching porn does that mean he’s trying to recreate something he did with another woman? That seems like a bit of a stretch to me. Not impossible but at least improbable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> With all the grief and back and forth controversy? That's like asking for an ass whipping!!
> 
> Another you said? They have one now? I missed that if so.


They have two.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

High and dry said:


> I know plenty of Catholic women using birth control or other “unnatural” forms of pregnancy prevention. That won’t change her mind. This is somebody raised in Catholic school whose mother is a religion teacher at said school. She is deep into the teachings. This is another reason why the porn surprised me.
> 
> I don’t want to force her to use birth control. Pressuring her to do that won’t do me any good. I respect her decision and beliefs. When I talked to her about it when this all started it wasn’t in an effort to convince her to get on it but to let her know that I thought it was fine if she wanted to try it, that plenty of other women we know use it, and that I don’t think God will be mad at her. Her mom, who is a NPF devotee and would probably be very upset if she found out my wife was on birth control, doesn’t need to know either. When she said no I didn’t bring it up again, except for one time when I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and asked her how birth control was off the table but porn was ok. I regretted that and she just became more defensive.
> 
> Even if she did start using it, I don’t think it will magically solve this problem. I don’t think the current situation is 100% about pregnancy and miscarriages.


The bible says nothing against preventing a pregnancy from occuring. Yes you are right about the porn, she seems to be rejecting something that God doesn't forbid, and doing something that He does.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m allowed to offer an alternate viewpoint, it’s a public forum. You think that trauma from a miscarriage has no connection to sex and fear of pregnancy or self esteem. Fine. I think leaping immediately to “she’s cheating” is projection. That’s why people post different opinions. Not being a cheating wife myself, and being a mother, I have a different perspective. The OP is free to dismiss posts he feels aren’t helpful.


Tex, I not discounting your point. Just because I don’t see it in this case doesn’t mean I’m rejecting your viewpoint. My point was more on that I didn't see anyone being callous about what she must have endured by having 6 miscarriages. I know that even 1 miscarriage can make a woman spiral emotionally so can’t even wrap my head around 6.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Tex, I not discounting your point. Just because I don’t see it in this case doesn’t mean I’m rejecting your viewpoint. My point was more on that I didn't see anyone being callous about what she must have endured by having 6 miscarriages. I know that even 1 miscarriage can make a woman spiral emotionally so can’t even wrap my head around 6.


I see, sorry, I misunderstood. Honestly, men on this thread have been kinder than the women on the whole. I’m probably projecting too, I cannot imagine losing one child, my heart breaks for this poor girl. It is easy for me to understand being afraid of intimacy after going through that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bobert said:


> Couples experiencing infertility and/or recurring losses are well aware that adoption exists. The people who suggest it are showing their ignorance.


My!
Aren't you the clever fellow!

The lady wants another child.

She cannot have anymore, her body keeps rejecting the fetus, maybe because of some damage to her birthing mechanism, or bad eggs or sperm.
Or something!

Nature resists making imperfect babies.

*Ignorance is not facing the obvious facts.
Ignorance is not compromising, when compromise is the best answer.*

One trip to an adoption agency could change her mind.

Options are options, and _all are not_ _ignorant_.

Hmm.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Porn or not, I’m honestly shocked by the level of callous disregard given to a woman who has lost 6 children.


If this was about her losing her children, it would be an entirely different story.

This thread has nothing to do with that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

High and dry said:


> Maybe so, but I’ve heard of plenty of men who become obsessed with the things they see in porn and when they can’t get that in reality (because it’s not real), they can’t even keep it up anymore. Could a women really be all that different?


From my understanding, men and women are night and day different when it comes to sex.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> My!
> Aren't you the clever fellow!
> 
> The lady wants another child.
> ...


I hope you don't have anyone in your life going through infertility. "Just adopt" is NOT the answer. If a couple wants to do that, they already know about it. If they haven't started the process it's because they don't want to or aren't ready yet. And for all you know a couple has started the process. Adoption is often a moneypit that is full of loss, heartache, and months or years of waiting... just like infertility and recurring losses. Even if all goes well, adoption is built on loss. 

Adoption is not as simple as "one trip to the adoption agency". They are not adopting a puppy for God's sake. 

She hasn't been able to have anymore, _yet. _Unfortunately recurring loss and secondary infertility is something many women go through, and many do go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies later on. 

Two of my wife's miscarriages were tested afterwards and both boys were totally healthy. One of her losses was a vanishing twin around 12 weeks and the sibling is a perfectly healthy 13 year old. But nature rejects the unhealthy ones, right? Often, yes, but not always. 

Sometimes there are things going on in the woman's body that are causing the losses and that can be fixed. Some women need progesterone because there's is too low, some need blood thinners like aspirin or heparin, some need a trigger shot so their egg doesn't overmature, some need surgery to correct the shape of their uterus, some need IVF to select the genetically healthy embryos, and on and on.

Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be the problem, it's staying pregnant that's the issue and there is likely a fix if they look hard enough (which isnt something the wife wants to do right now).


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> With all the grief and back and forth controversy? That's like asking for an ass whipping!!
> 
> Another you said? They have one now? I missed that if so.


You’re confusing me with this OP here. I’m the one who is scared of birth control. I was offering suggestions as to why she wouldn’t want to use it, but that was before the OP explained that it’s many for religious reasons. I don’t have any kids.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why doesn't H get a vasectomy?


Because something within us is delusional enough to hope that we might get out crap together and have a kid.


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## 343359 (Apr 8, 2020)

High and dry said:


> Hi all. First post here.
> 
> Not sure what I’m looking for exactly. Input? Advice? Opinions?
> 
> ...


I hate you guys are dealing with this! I honestly think she has checked out emotionally. I say that because as a woman a lot of time sex is tied to our passion and how we feel! She is using porn to feel that’s y it’s so specific it’s giving her an escape that’s y she was upset when u wanted to to join! It’s just like a person who smoke cigarettes or cut themselves! Her miscarriages might have messed with her to the point of not being able to connect with you! That’s why a lot of people divorce after losing a child it can cause a disconnect! I recommend therapy immediately before the disconnect cause major problems down the line!


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> If this was about her losing her children, it would be an entirely different story.
> 
> This thread has nothing to do with that.


Well, I think it could very have something to do with that. But there are other options that also don’t involve her sleeping with another man. This seems like such a huge jump for me. 

He mentioned this 2 week business trip was the longest he’d taken since COVID. Maybe she was really horny during that time and ended up watching a lot of porn during that time and sort of got hooked. Maybe she took the opportunity of him being away to explore masturbation and porn more, knowing she had privacy, and now she’s hooked in the same way many men who watch porn on a daily basis become. 

OP, do you know if your wife watched porn at all before this trip of yours? Did she have a history of masturbating that you know of? I’m wondering if maybe, despite being 37 years old, this is somewhat newer territory for her. If she is generally a very strict Catholic follower then she may likely have been a virgin when she got married and possibly never masturbated much either. Perhaps this is a whole new world for her. That all sounds very judgmental but it’s not intended that way. I’m only trying to offer some explanations based on the info we have.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

High and dry said:


> Hi all. First post here.
> 
> Not sure what I’m looking for exactly. Input? Advice? Opinions?
> 
> ...


My wife's kale doesn't do any of that. She wants to know what your cultivar is.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

AandM said:


> My wife's kale doesn't do any of that. She wants to know what your cultivar is.


Huh?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Huh?



double Huh????


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> double Huh????


They are making a lazy joke, about a typo in the original post, where the OP obviously was saying 'male' but the typo said 'kale'.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> They are making a lazy joke, about a typo in the original post, where the OP obviously was saying 'male' but the typo said 'kale'.


Could have at least bolded the typo in the original post to make the joke more obvious 🤷‍♀️


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Could have at least bolded the typo in the original post to make the joke more obvious 🤷‍♀️


But it is funny 🤣🤣🤣


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Well, I think it could very have something to do with that. But there are other options that also don’t involve her sleeping with another man. This seems like such a huge jump for me.
> 
> He mentioned this 2 week business trip was the longest he’d taken since COVID. Maybe she was really horny during that time and ended up watching a lot of porn during that time and sort of got hooked. Maybe she took the opportunity of him being away to explore masturbation and porn more, knowing she had privacy, and now she’s hooked in the same way many men who watch porn on a daily basis become.
> 
> OP, do you know if your wife watched porn at all before this trip of yours? Did she have a history of masturbating that you know of? I’m wondering if maybe, despite being 37 years old, this is somewhat newer territory for her. If she is generally a very strict Catholic follower then she may likely have been a virgin when she got married and possibly never masturbated much either. Perhaps this is a whole new world for her. That all sounds very judgmental but it’s not intended that way. I’m only trying to offer some explanations based on the info we have.


Many of us enjoy W masturbating, especially when we are involved. But solo too glad she does, no hang ups. I myself never thought twice about it. 
Now I'm feeling a bit encouraged to go home for lunch.....😉


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Many of us enjoy W masturbating, especially when we are involved. But solo too glad she does, no hang ups. I myself never thought twice about it.
> Now I'm feeling a bit encouraged to go home for lunch.....😉


I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it or that it’s weird for a man to enjoy being involved.

I was only trying to offer some guesses as to why this all could have started around the time he took the 2 week trip. Some people want to jump to the idea that she just have slept with another man during that time. I’m wondering if, possibly due to her faith, she was never previously in the habit of watching porn and/or masturbating.He wasa way for 2 weeks, maybe she got horny and got curious about watching porn and this is all sort of new territory for her. I mean, doesn’t the Catholic Church consider masturbation a sin? And porn is a big no no too. If she’s really as much of a follower as he says , I wonder if she’s suddenly realized how wonderful these things can be and is now a bit hooked. I don’t know, just thinking.

Also, I believe OP said he has no problem with her masturbating and he even found it hot when he caught her doing it. The issue now is that she seems fixated on some of the stuff she sees in porn and has admitted to watching it at least once a day if not twice.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it or that it’s weird for a man to enjoy being involved.
> 
> I was only trying to offer some guesses as to why this all could have started around the time he took the 2 week trip. Some people want to jump to the idea that she just have slept with another man during that time. I’m wondering if, possibly due to her faith, she was never previously in the habit of watching porn and/or masturbating.He wasa way for 2 weeks, maybe she got horny and got curious about watching porn and this is all sort of new territory for her. I mean, doesn’t the Catholic Church consider masturbation a sin? And porn is a big no no too. If she’s really as much of a follower as he says , I wonder if she’s suddenly realized how wonderful these things can be and is now a bit hooked. I don’t know, just thinking.
> 
> Also, I believe OP said he has no problem with her masturbating and he even found it hot when he caught her doing it. The issue now is that she seems fixated on some of the stuff she sees in porn and has admitted to watching it at least once a day if not twice.


Yep.

I think your wife got demaged by being raised catholic and now getting into porn messed with her brain. 
Maybe she had no history of exploring her own body due to religious believes. Now her world colided with the virtual reality and she found pleasure in it, she might have never believed exists.
But her brain got wired the wrong way now. She believes the pleassure comes from those positions and performance she sees and can't come from you.
She might not understand that pleassure and her own triggers.

To me it sounds she never experienced an orgasm during PIV or due to anything at all before she started porn. Maybe it gave her her first orgasm and that is why she got addicted. You say different about her having orgasms during PIV, but I think she faked it all those years and isn't bothered to do it anymore now she knows she doesn't get the real deal.

It just sounds like your wife lacks knowledge about sexuality and you might as well.
Watch some tutorials how to saddisfy a woman manually. Find out how you can offer your wife a better visual stimuli then porn. Don't just get naked. Offer her some eye candy for a change. Offer her an escape from reality. Sexual pleasure starts in the brain. Humams can orgasm without physical stimulation. 

If nothing works she might not fancy you anymore. Then you better move on. She might be about to dettache from you. Don't try too hard. Sexual rejection is hard to deal with, but you can't force anyone to fancy you.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I don’t have much time to respond right now but I’m response to the last few posts, yes my wife was a virgin when we married. I was not yet somehow she deemed me worthy enough to be her spouse.

Do I think she’s had an orgasm every single time we’ve had sex? No. Do I think she’s probably faked it some times? Yes. Do I think she does actually have real orgasms with me? Yes. I have introduced her to the world of sex toys. She is not into most of them but let’s just say she cannot deny the magic of some of them. Generally she is a very sexual person with me and over the years has become much more open sexually and open to trying different things in the bedroom. She’s generally enthusiastic about sex and even after many years of marriage and 2 kids we still enjoyed sex together 4-5 times a week. I’ve never felt that desire was one-sided.

She had never masturbated before we got married. I was shocked. I encouraged her to do it. I thought it might be good for her and might benefit our sex life too. She always used to say she felt silly and dirty doing it and would rather save her desire for me. She’s never really said anything about seeing porn as evil but it was always more of an “ew, gross” sort of reaction to it. I tried to introduce her to it a little bit. We have watched it together before but not on a regular basis. She was just so sheltered sexually that I was trying to open her eyes to everything. As she’s gotten older I know she has masturbated more frequently than before. She would tell me that she touched herself thinking of me when I was away on work trips in the past. Sometimes I’d even get her to participate in phone sex but generally she’s too shy.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Never masturbated before marriage? That is some dedication.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

High and dry said:


> She would tell me that she touched herself thinking of me when I was away on work trips in the past.


Yeah, it pretty much sounds like she isbtwisted between being a good catholic and being a naughty girl.

Masturbation: I think about my husband, then it can't be a sin.
Now she discovered sex without you. Being alone. Mosr of us start with exploring sexual feelinfs being alone for a couple of years. Your wife didn't. Maybe every human needs this alon experience at some point. She might be catching up on something here.



High and dry said:


> I was not yet somehow she deemed me worthy enough to be her spouse.


How come? Why did you two get together? Was is due to you not being strictly religios or was she considering you not attractive enough?

The latter could be a problem, if she was never really into you physically.



High and dry said:


> She had never masturbated before we got married. I was shocked. I encouraged her to do it. I thought it might be good for her and might benefit our sex life too. She always used to say she felt silly and dirty doing it and would rather save her desire for me. She’s never really said anything about seeing porn as evil but it was always more of an “ew, gross” sort of reaction to it. I tried to introduce her to it a little bit.


Maybe there is too much pushing. Her mother pushed her ibto one direction. Then her husband is tries to push her the other way. She is never good enough. It is no accusation or anything against you!!! but I think her mindset wasn't stable enough for it and it seems like she tries to get some control over her sexuality. As if she tries to find her way and dettached from you and from her catholic mother/up bringing. that is why you were not allowed to join in.
She found sexually a safe place, where no one tells her what to do. Maybe?
I am just doing some brain storming.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Never masturbated before marriage? That is some dedication.


And a little too hard to believe....
No really it's impossible to believe.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And a little too hard to believe....
> No really it's impossible to believe.


I’m not Catholic, but I was a late bloomer when it came to masturbation. I lost my virginity before I ever masturbated. I don’t think I masturbated until I was 18. So I can imagine if somebody had very strong Catholic beliefs and maybe married young (don’t know how old she was) that she may not have actually touched herself. That or she maybe feels too ashamed to admit she did, which she shouldn’t feel but I know some religions can make you feel that way.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I’m not Catholic, but I was a late bloomer when it came to masturbation. I lost my virginity before I ever masturbated. I don’t think I masturbated until I was 18. So I can imagine if somebody had very strong Catholic beliefs and maybe married young (don’t know how old she was) that she may not have actually touched herself. That or she maybe feels too ashamed to admit she did, which she shouldn’t feel but I know some religions can make you feel that way.


But, you masturbated before marriage. I still think OPs W did too. Whether or not he was her first.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Yeah, it pretty much sounds like she isbtwisted between being a good catholic and being a naughty girl.
> 
> Masturbation: I think about my husband, then it can't be a sin.
> Now she discovered sex without you. Being alone. Mosr of us start with exploring sexual feelinfs being alone for a couple of years. Your wife didn't. Maybe every human needs this alon experience at some point. She might be catching up on something here.
> ...


I really don’t know, maybe there are elements of this. Some responses here have given me new things to think about that I hadn’t considered, that’s for sure.

No, I don’t think I’m an unattractive guy personally or that she particularly thinks so either. Maybe her opinion has changed lately. What I meant by my comment about finding me deserving enough to be her spouse was that she envisioned herself marrying somebody who was devout as her and who had also saved themselves for marriage. I’m neither as devout nor did I save myself for marriage, but somehow whatever she saw in me was enough to make her overlook those things. I had been with other girls but when I met her I knew I’d be happy never having sex with anyone else for the rest of my life. I also went years without sex when we were dating because she was worth it. Admittedly I did a lot of masturbating during those years and she forgave me for that too.

She’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of in a wife and I don’t fantasize about other women and don’t get much enjoyment out of porn these days. I’ve tried not to take this new issue personally, but it’s feeling like a gut punch. I also don’t want to push her too much and come off as uncaring and selfish if she really is dealing with something much deeper than just watching a ton of porn.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

High and dry said:


> Hi all. First post here.
> 
> Not sure what I’m looking for exactly. Input? Advice? Opinions?
> 
> ...


She had six miscarriages in the last 3 years. Of course she's afraid to get pregnant. So if she doesn't want to get pregnant then you guys need to be using birth control. All that has zapped her. Lord only knows what kind of hormonal changes it made. Not to mention all the mental trauma and physical trauma.

She sounds like she's trying to get back to normal the only way she knows how. Meanwhile have some mercy and don't do anything to get her pregnant until or unless she says she wants to try again.

Tell her you'll give her some space and then do it unless she says otherwise.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Huh?


Well, he mentioned that his wife's kale was having orgasms, sooo....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

High and dry said:


> She will not use birth control. She’s Catholic and adheres to most of that stuff.


So, she won't use birth control since it is against the Catholic religion -- but so is using porn? How does she justify that, and still adhere to the no birth control?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The current pope does not prohibit using birth control. He is the first one.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Current pope doesn’t advocate artificial contraceptives but says that it should be up to a couple to decide what’s in the best interest of the welfare of themselves, their children, and potential future children. My wife was raised in a time before he was pope. I believe a lot of her beliefs don’t come from the church itself as much as from her mom who has practiced NFP her whole life and this is what my wife was taught is right and good. She believes it’s an important part of our marriage and how God intends things to be. It has deep meaning to her, the porn doesn’t mesh but I really don’t think it does any good to go on about why she will do one and not the other. Maybe one day she will change her mind about birth control but that day won’t be today. She is, or was at one time, open to me getting a vasectomy after we are completely done having children or trying to have children.

She has tracked her cycle for almost half her life now in the same way that somebody might brush their teeth every morning. Tonight she was not very receptive to the idea of sex but later in the evening seemed to changed her mind, then she says she hasn’t been tracking. Great.

I want to just give her space to figure herselfor whatever is going on out, but am worried about it getting worse. Whatever “it” is. She refuses to see a therapist or any sort of counselor. So how long do I give it for her to figure whatever this is out? I feel helpless just standing by and waiting for her to do something but don’t want to push her too hard at the same time. I feel so disconnected from her.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Your wife is 37. Combined with rhose 6 miscarriages and her changed sexdrive, I rthink you should consider your wife might be going theough perimenopause. There is clearly something going on.
With 37 it isn't certain she may ever conceive again or be able to terminate a full pregnancy.

Her increased sexdrive and need for stronger stimulation could be a side effect of decreased estrogene levels and increased testoseron due to her ovaries starting to faile more and more. With 37 this is normal.
She isn't 17 anymore. You to don't need to think about vasectomy anf you can stop hoping her to change her mind and one day starting to use other contraceptives other then NFP really.
She hasn't that much time left.

Every womans body is different. Some are already infertile in their late 30s. If she lost 6 children, her eggs and ovaries might have aged already to a point where the opportunity of pregnancy is already near zero. Maybe she is close to menopause. She said she stopped tracking. 
Maybe there are already things she realises and tries to look the other way. It is difficult for women to face the end of their fertility, if they are still hoping to get pregnant. Maybe it was just an excuse to get you off her back, but your wife sounds like someone who isn't able to face problems. Maybe she realises or knows that somethinf is wrong and by not sleeping with you she avoids the dissapointment of not getting pregnant anymore.
You see there are so many possibilities... But at the end your wife seems to have serious issues to deal with problems mentally. 

Send her to see her doctor. Check her hormons. Do some fertility tests to get clarity about her body being able to reproduce again or not. And clarity about her hormons that may go up the roof now in her late 30s.
I think due to her upbringing, she can't handle an increased sex drive well. Her upbringen and those unhealthy ideas about sexuality messed her up. Now you can see the result of the repression she experienced and decided to live all those years.

The misscarriages might be a trigger getting her into some psychological misshape. It is a multi layered cake. No simple answer.
But sexually your wife didn't have a healthy attitude and environment and this is the outcome now.

I am sorry for you. You seem to dearly love your wife, but there is nothing you can do, if she isn't willing to change something. If she doesn't, it might be the end of your marriage. But if it is the beginning od the end, it is something she might longing for deep inside already. No therapy can fix that.
There are clearly deeper issues underneath the surface.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

High and dry said:


> I want to just give her space to figure herselfor whatever is going on out, but am worried about it getting worse.


I don't know where all this "giving someone space" crap comes from. Do you think that if you leave her alone that she will magically stop what she is doing and return to you? Is she asking you to give her space? Problems don't usually solve themselves. This issue affects you so you better stay involved.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> I don't know where all this "giving someone space" crap comes from. Do you think that if you leave her alone that she will magically stop what she is doing and return to you? Is she asking you to give her space? Problems don't usually solve themselves. This issue affects you so you better stay involved.


Well, I think he’s tried several different things in the bedroom to make her happy, he’s questioned her about this new behavior repeatedly, he’s offered alternative modes of conception in an effort to make her feel a bit safer there, he’s tried to get her to see a counselor or for them to go together and she’s refused. What more can he do right now? It sounds like this does go beyond just a very typical dead bedroom sort of situation where the husband is expected to just give an ultimatum or else, at least not right now. I think maybe he feels like he’s in an awkward position since if all of this is ultimately rooted in the miscarriages she’s dealing with a lot and he obviously doesn’t want to be insensitive to the point of saying “look, this is what I expect from our marriage and if you don’t get on board then I’m shipping out without you.” OP can correct me if I’m wrong but this is what I read from all of this.

What would you suggest that he does at this point?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Don't know, not my field of expertise. What I do know is that ignoring an issue by giving someone space doesn't work. I see it here over and over again with people saying, 'oh, if I just give him/her some space, they will come around.' That's crap. People don't just magically come around. I asked if she is asking for space because when spouses ask to be given some space, it usually means, 'just leave me the hell alone so I can do what I want.'


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Your wife is 37. Combined with rhose 6 miscarriages and her changed sexdrive, I rthink you should consider your wife might be going theough perimenopause. There is clearly something going on.
> With 37 it isn't certain she may ever conceive again or be able to terminate a full pregnancy.
> 
> Her increased sexdrive and need for stronger stimulation could be a side effect of decreased estrogene levels and increased testoseron due to her ovaries starting to faile more and more. With 37 this is normal.
> ...


Not sure about all of this. Her hormone levels were checked not long ago and everything looked fine. Her cycle is still very regular and predictable. We’ve had no problem getting pregnant, so I’m not sure it’s her fertility that’s the issue at this time. I don’t think The reason she didn’t track things for a few weeks had anything to do with her being in denial. It’s quite unusual for her but I think if anything we were having sex as regularly and she’s was caught up in Thai daily masturbating habit and just wanted an escape from thinking about everything. It’s still pretty extreme for her to not track since she usually does it no matter what’s going on but it was only for a few weeks.

I don’t know, I may have posted here unnecessarily. Last night I made extra effort do small things all evening to get her in the mood. Maybe I just need to put more effort into that. I may have slipped there. She was very receptive and she seemed to enjoy herself, without any frustration or requests for mirror or acrobatic positions. This morning I woke up to a naked woman on top of me ready to go again and apologizing for everything she’s been doing. Perhaps my frustration has just become that obvious to her and she’s responding without me having to push her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

High and dry said:


> Not sure about all of this. Her hormone levels were checked not long ago and everything looked fine. Her cycle is still very regular and predictable. We’ve had no problem getting pregnant, so I’m not sure it’s her fertility that’s the issue at this time. I don’t think The reason she didn’t track things for a few weeks had anything to do with her being in denial. It’s quite unusual for her but I think if anything we were having sex as regularly and she’s was caught up in Thai daily masturbating habit and just wanted an escape from thinking about everything. It’s still pretty extreme for her to not track since she usually does it no matter what’s going on but it was only for a few weeks.
> 
> I don’t know, I may have posted here unnecessarily. Last night I made extra effort do small things all evening to get her in the mood. Maybe I just need to put more effort into that. I may have slipped there. She was very receptive and she seemed to enjoy herself, without any frustration or requests for mirror or acrobatic positions. This morning I woke up to a naked woman on top of me ready to go again and apologizing for everything she’s been doing. Perhaps my frustration has just become that obvious to her and she’s responding without me having to push her.


Sounds positive. 
I doubt its the peri menopause. She is only 37.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

High and dry said:


> This morning I woke up to a naked woman on top of me ready to go again and apologizing for everything she’s been doing



We all should have these kinds of problems.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Sounds positive.
> I doubt its the peri menopause. She is only 37.


You can doubt. It isn't about what you think, it is about how nature works.
She is already 37 not only. Perimenopause can start at any age. Some women are menopausal at the end of 30s. Perimenopause starts 10 years before menopause... do the math.
By 45 most women are already completly infertile rather they are srill bleeding or not. 


Oh yeah, especially since your wife didn't rake the pill, she will go into menopause earlier.
This is because with every ovulation the ovaries get scarred. 
The pill is inhibiring eggs to mature and the ovulation. Your wife didn't have that. That means she ovulated most of her life. Compared to women that took the pill or were pregnant most of their life her ovaries are more demaged, since she ovulated so often throughout her life. 

This is part of the reason why women go into menopause. Each ovulation slightly demages the ovary tissue. A OBGYN once said, the pill keeps your ovaries young.
Your wife didn't take the pill and she had only two children. Women who had less or no children go into menopause earlier especially if they didn't take the pill at all. 
Each pregnancy postpones menopause about one year. But most data comes from a time where women did get pregnant more often or and from cultures in which women had several children and they gor into menopause by 50 to 51. 
Our generation is different, since women give birth later or not st all. Therefore, we see now a shift in women getting into menopause way earlier comoared to earlier generations.

In case of your wife you can substract around 3 years. Saying the average women had 5 children and goes into menopause by 50.
Your wife had two. 3 years. 50 - 3 years = 47 menopause age .
Means 37 she goes into perimenopause.

If she got checked its alright. Bu it isn't just about the hormones. It is also the quality of eggs and how goos the ovaries can release eggs. And if the survace is too demaged it might become a problem. And remember the more ovulations took place, the more demage has been done to the ovary tissue...
But that is my math... I might be wrong. But I think your wife didn't do her self a favour by not taken the pill ar all.

Fertility is already gone years before the bleeding stops and perimenopause doesn't necesserally means her bleeding is irregular. Especially at the beginning...
It is not that simple. But since she wants another child, I assume she talked to the doctor and he exermined her.

Any way, hope OP has found a permanent solution to his situation.

But with 37 she will experience massive change in hormon levels due to ovaries getting weaker and weaker. 

As far as I know to really determine if a woman is perimenopausal it has to be exee
Rmined over a period of month. It isn't just one simple test.

But I don't know... maybe this isn't the problem at all. So enjoy your wife getting back on board. Maybe you just panicked and everything will be alright!


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I’m feeling happy for you, OP. I don’t get it, but I’m glad for you.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

She’s back at it again today. Last night we were laying in bed and each of us was on our phone. At one point her phone fell from her grip and I discovered that she had been lying there next to me watching porn on silent and masturbating. this is very strange to me. I’ve never silently laid in bed next to her and secretly masturbated and I can’t ever imagine doing so.

Then this afternoon I jumped in the shower real quick after working outside for a while. I turned off the shower in the master bath and heard the unmistakable sounds of porn and her toy buzzing in the bedroom. It’s as if she couldn’t wait for me to be occupied for a few minutes so she could get off to porn really quickly.


I came out of the bathroom and asked her what the h was going on? She started crying and said she’s not sure what’s wrong with her but admitted that it was the second time she’d masturbated to porn today, not including the incident in bed last night. I went from being married to a beautiful full grown adult woman to somebody who acts like a teenage boy. It was 1 in the afternoon and she’d already snuck away to watch porn and masturbate twice?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

High and dry said:


> She’s back at it again today. Last night we were laying in bed and each of us was on our phone. At one point her phone fell from her grip and I discovered that she had been lying there next to me watching porn on silent and masturbating. this is very strange to me. I’ve never silently laid in bed next to her and secretly masturbated and I can’t ever imagine doing so.
> 
> Then this afternoon I jumped in the shower real quick after working outside for a while. I turned off the shower in the master bath and heard the unmistakable sounds of porn and her toy buzzing in the bedroom. It’s as if she couldn’t wait for me to be occupied for a few minutes so she could get off to porn really quickly.
> 
> ...


She needs counseling. She is addicted and needs to get help.

I watch porn but would never use it as opposed to being with my wife. I bet you wouldn't either.

Find someone in your area she can talk to about it, set up an appointment and go with her. Do it tomorrow. Make her go and let her know you will be there to go with her. It shows support on your part but also ensures she goes if you are there.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> She needs counseling. She is addicted and needs to get help.
> 
> I watch porn but would never use it as opposed to being with my wife. I bet you wouldn't either.
> 
> Find someone in your area she can talk to about it, set up an appointment and go with her. Do it tomorrow. Make her go and let her know you will be there to go with her. It shows support on your part but also ensures she goes if you are there.


Right, I have nothing against porn in general and I’ve watched it myself but not when having real sex with her has been an option.

At first I thought it must be me. Something about me is turning her off these days. I’m not perfect but nothing about me has changed. I haven’t suddenly gained a bunch of weight or started treating her badly. I’m active and work out, I dress well, pull my weight with our kids and at home, treat her well and compliment her (and genuinely mean what I say because she’s beautiful and I honestly do feel more in love with her now than ever and thank god every day that she’s my wife). I’ve created multiple checklists in my head about myself and the only recent change is that I have probably been somewhat overly focused on work due to some new projects. I thought maybe I had inadvertently not been paying enough attention to her, not been affectionate enough outside of the bedroom. I’ve addressed those things. She says it has nothing to do with me. She just needs the porn and the visuals to get off now and she can’t help it. It’s still hard to not take it personally and feel inadequate.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

High and dry said:


> Right, I have nothing against porn in general and I’ve watched it myself but not when having real sex with her has been an option.
> 
> At first I thought it must be me. Something about me is turning her off these days. I’m not perfect but nothing about me has changed. I haven’t suddenly gained a bunch of weight or started treating her badly. I’m active and work out, I dress well, pull my weight with our kids and at home, treat her well and compliment her (and genuinely mean what I say because she’s beautiful and I honestly do feel more in love with her now than ever and thank god every day that she’s my wife). I’ve created multiple checklists in my head about myself and the only recent change is that I have probably been somewhat overly focused on work due to some new projects. I thought maybe I had inadvertently not been paying enough attention to her, not been affectionate enough outside of the bedroom. I’ve addressed those things. She says it has nothing to do with me. She just needs the porn and the visuals to get off now and she can’t help it. It’s still hard to not take it personally and feel inadequate.


I imagine it feels bad but remember its not you...its an addiction. Like if she drank too much. Thats not because of you...thats an addiction.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I can’t imagine telling her that I’m taking her to speak with a professional will go over very well at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

High and dry said:


> Right, I have nothing against porn in general and I’ve watched it myself but not when having real sex with her has been an option.
> 
> At first I thought it must be me. Something about me is turning her off these days. I’m not perfect but nothing about me has changed. I haven’t suddenly gained a bunch of weight or started treating her badly. I’m active and work out, I dress well, pull my weight with our kids and at home, treat her well and compliment her (and genuinely mean what I say because she’s beautiful and I honestly do feel more in love with her now than ever and thank god every day that she’s my wife). I’ve created multiple checklists in my head about myself and the only recent change is that I have probably been somewhat overly focused on work due to some new projects. I thought maybe I had inadvertently not been paying enough attention to her, not been affectionate enough outside of the bedroom. I’ve addressed those things. She says it has nothing to do with me. She just needs the porn and the visuals to get off now and she can’t help it. It’s still hard to not take it personally and feel inadequate.


She can help it but she chooses not to. Masturbating next to you in bed is so disrespectful.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> Not sure about all of this. Her hormone levels were checked not long ago and everything looked fine. Her cycle is still very regular and predictable. We’ve had no problem getting pregnant, so I’m not sure it’s her fertility that’s the issue at this time. I don’t think The reason she didn’t track things for a few weeks had anything to do with her being in denial. It’s quite unusual for her but I think if anything we were having sex as regularly and she’s was caught up in Thai daily masturbating habit and just wanted an escape from thinking about everything. It’s still pretty extreme for her to not track since she usually does it no matter what’s going on but it was only for a few weeks.
> 
> I don’t know, I may have posted here unnecessarily. Last night I made extra effort do small things all evening to get her in the mood. Maybe I just need to put more effort into that. I may have slipped there. She was very receptive and she seemed to enjoy herself, without any frustration or requests for mirror or acrobatic positions. This morning I woke up to a naked woman on top of me ready to go again and apologizing for everything she’s been doing. Perhaps my frustration has just become that obvious to her and she’s responding without me having to push her.


Is she having sex with you whenever you want, or not?
Yes or no only please.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Is she having sex with you whenever you want, or not?
> Yes or no only please.


No, but I don’t expect her to always have sex whenever I want it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> No, but I don’t expect her to always have sex whenever I want it.


Why don't you expect her to have sex whenever you want to? You should. 

That's a key point then. If she turns you down then masturbates 10 minutes later then yes, there's a problem and it's not the masturbation.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> She just needs the porn and the visuals to get off now and she can’t help it. It’s still hard to not take it personally and feel inadequate.


Does it bother HER that she NEEDS porn now to orgasm? Ask her. Until an addict seeks help, there is no help that you can be. They have to “hit the wall”. Can you imagine how she would feel if the roles were reversed. You looking at a screen and whacking off while in bed with her. Ask her how she would feel.

It is natural to feel inadequate because on some level you are. She cant get off from you anymore, and is faking it with you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Does it bother HER that she NEEDS porn now to orgasm? Ask her. Until an addict seeks help, there is no help that you can be. They have to “hit the wall”. Can you imagine how she would feel if the roles were reversed. You looking at a screen and whacking off while in bed with her. Ask her how she would feel.
> 
> It is natural to feel inadequate because on some level you are. She cant get off from you anymore, and is faking it with you.


@High and dry 

I'd be tempted, and without expecting any specific outcome but my own enjoyment....
to take a day or two stocked with liquor, cannabis (if you partake) or similar etc, sex toys, lubes, lotions, off from work and keep her naked in bed and around the house, immerse you and her in a nothing but sex couple days for your entertainment and her entertainment too, make it fun....

Just to see what happens.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why don't you expect her to have sex whenever you want to? You should.
> 
> That's a key point then. If she turns you down then masturbates 10 minutes later then yes, there's a problem and it's not the masturbation.


Why should I expect her to have sex with me whenever I want? She’s my wife, not a prostitute.

Yesterday when she masturbated twice I hadn’t initiated anything immediately beforehand so she didn’t turn me down in that sense. She could have initiated with me and I would have gladly said yes. When she was watching pornwhile I was in the shower she could have easily come in there with me. She obviously didn’t want that and she wanted to specifically watch porn instead.

Later last night I was still not in a great mood because of all of this, she initiated and we had sex.

I could have sex every day. In my ideal world, it’d be every day. Up until the recent masturbation issue, it was 4-5 times a week which was perfectly fine with me and not something I would complain about. I usually initiate because she just doesn’t and she’s generally pretty shy about sex until we get into the bedroom but I’ll admit her recent porn watching has made her more bold with initiating and I don’t mind that change.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Why should I expect her to have sex with me whenever I want? She’s my wife, not a prostitute.


Thank you for saying this. She should be grateful to have a husband who feels this way, it's NOT the norm. As you can clearly see.


High and dry said:


> I usually initiate because she just doesn’t and she’s generally pretty shy about sex until we get into the bedroom but I’ll admit her recent porn watching has made her more bold with initiating and I don’t mind that change.


Have you said this to her?


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Does it bother HER that she NEEDS porn now to orgasm? Ask her. Until an addict seeks help, there is no help that you can be. They have to “hit the wall”. Can you imagine how she would feel if the roles were reversed. You looking at a screen and whacking off while in bed with her. Ask her how she would feel.
> 
> It is natural to feel inadequate because on some level you are. She cant get off from you anymore, and is faking it with you.


She has seemed…frustrated by it. The past several times we’ve had sex there has been no porn and no crazy demands to try to replicate unrealistic things in the porn she watches. She’s orgasmed each time - it’s easy for me to tell with her as there are obvious physical tell tale signs. She seems almost relieved that she was actually able to orgasm during actual sex with no porn involved. She has cried over the porn stuff a few times and my wife isn’t a fake cryer who somebody who can easily just turn on the waterworks for sympathy. She seemed completely genuine that she’s not necessarily happy with herself sneaking off twice on a Sunday afternoon to watch porn and masturbate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> Why should I expect her to have sex with me whenever I want? She’s my wife, not a prostitute.
> 
> Yesterday when she masturbated twice I hadn’t initiated anything immediately beforehand so she didn’t turn me down in that sense. She could have initiated with me and I would have gladly said yes. When she was watching pornwhile I was in the shower she could have easily come in there with me. She obviously didn’t want that and she wanted to specifically watch porn instead.
> 
> ...


Why do you think she's a prostitute if you expect her to have sex with you?? Wow. 

The answer is this, if she has sex with you anytime you want then she can masturbate to her heart's content. It will either pass with time or implode, problem solved.

Are you only looking to justify her behavior so you feel better? That's just wrong.

Or in truth are you capable, even if I guess out of your comfort zone.... to look in earnest to find a solution or at least roll with the changes for a while, making your life better while this works itself out?

You'll need to make some changes to address this head on. It's not as bad as you think if you can fire yourself up to join the fray......and change the game up.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

So ask her if she would want professional help to kick her habit. The problem is, the more often the neural pathways get lit up from the porn, the longer it takes to defeat the habit. And unfortunately the risk of relapse will always be high.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @High and dry
> 
> I'd be tempted, and without expecting any specific outcome but my own enjoyment....
> to take a day or two stocked with liquor, cannabis (if you partake) or similar etc, sex toys, lubes, lotions, off from work and keep her naked in bed and around the house, immerse you and her in a nothing but sex couple days for your entertainment and her entertainment too, make it fun....
> ...


I have been thinking of doing something similar but away from home for a long weekend. No phones in our hands either, and I would abide by the same rule. wouldn’t really involve pot or edibles and she’ll generally only have 1 drink, but I do know the things she really likes, which includes fancy dinners, romance, flowers. She loves all of those cheesy romantic things. Yes in my opinion most of them are cheesy but I try not to slack on that stuff because she loves it.

With a 5 year old and an 8 year old it’s a bit difficult to remain naked all weekend at home unless we ship them off to the grandparents.Seeing as how we’ll have to do the same thing if we take a short getaway, might as well go somewhere nice. It’s been a while since we’ve gone anywhere just the two of us without the kids.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> I have been thinking of doing something similar but away from home for a long weekend. No phones in our hands either, and I would abide by the same rule. wouldn’t really involve pot or edibles and she’ll generally only have 1 drink, but I do know the things she really likes, which includes fancy dinners, romance, flowers. She loves all of those cheesy romantic things. Yes in my opinion most of them are cheesy but I try not to slack on that stuff because she loves it.
> 
> With a 5 year old and an 8 year old it’s a bit difficult to remain naked all weekend at home unless we ship them off to the grandparents.Seeing as how we’ll have to do the same thing if we take a short getaway, might as well go somewhere nice. It’s been a while since we’ve gone anywhere just the two of us without the kids.


That is a good sign.
I seriously think this will help you and speed working through the situation as a couple.

Find a babysitter to either watch the kids or the better choice to take the kids..because you'll need all the accessories I described.

It won't work unless you both are immersed in the play time, and have all the play toys, good, comfortable environment, and accoutrements.

She will be most comfortable doing this at home. The key is continuous play time, not worrying about packing, getting dressed at all to eat, or travel.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why do you think she's a prostitute if you expect her to have sex with you?? Wow.
> 
> The answer is this, if she has sex with you anytime you want then she can masturbate to her heart's content. It will either pass with time or implode, problem solved.
> 
> ...


To me there’s a distinct difference between expecting my wife to have sex with me on a regular basis (which I do) and expecting her to have sex with me whenever I want it. There will understandably be times when she doesn’t feel like it and that’s fine with me.

The situation is slightly different if she’s turning me down because she just got off to porn 15 minutes ago or she’s turning me down and then masturbating in bed next to me secretly.

I also have no problem with her masturbating occasionally. I’m not of the mindset that every time she feels any sort of itch to have an orgasm she should automatically turn to me. It doesn’t offend me if she wants to masturbate every now and then.

Right now it’s a lot more frequently than every now and then. It’s every day and multiple times a day. It’s the fact that she can’t orgasm as easily during actual sex because she’s so fixated on the stuff in porn and needs that visual stimulation. But the worst part is that she’s hiding it and doing it secretly. I wish she would just be more honest. Our entire sex life has been built on openness, honesty, trust, and communication and it’s served us very well until now. She hasn’t completely shut me out but it’s starting to happen.


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## Rayr44 (6 mo ago)

She must be going through some tough times and this porn thing would be a distraction. I hope you can support her through this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> To me there’s a distinct difference between expecting my wife to have sex with me on a regular basis (which I do) and expecting her to have sex with me whenever I want it. There will understandably be times when she doesn’t feel like it and that’s fine with me.
> 
> The situation is slightly different if she’s turning me down because she just got off to porn 15 minutes ago or she’s turning me down and then masturbating in bed next to me secretly.
> 
> ...


I get you.

It will resolve itself if she still has sex with you, yes, sex whenever you want, and give her good sex and her orgasm of course. If she masturbates in addition, that's something that will pass with time or she crumbles and circumstances change then you'll have more info on best way to help, AT THAT TIME.

Now it's imperative to spend some time immersed in a couple day sex fest TO SEE IF anything changes. That will also bring forth more info and will help her to see how things are if she really has sex all the time like she thinks she wants to. Give that to her.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Have you said this to her?


Yes I have. I’ve been trying to encourage her to initiate more for years, but I understand that some people just rarely will. She’s gotten better about it over the years and she may not overtly initiate but she does things that are obvious queues to both of us, but now it’s become very up front initiation. Last night I thought I was going to fall right off the couch when she just looked at me right in the middle of the movie we were watching and said “wanna F?” She has never said anything like that in her life. I responded right away and it was clear to her that yes I very much wanted to.

We’ve also admittedly found 2 new and realistic positions that we both enjoy and we’re inspired by some of the stuff she’s watching. I acknowledges that they’re good positions and I like them and they are in rotation now.

Years ago she initiated strongly once and I was busy working on something and told her we’d have to wait until later. I guess I hurt her confidence so much that she didn’t come close to initiating again for a few years. She confessed to me way after the fact and I hadn’t realized, so I told myself I would never turn her down again and I haven’t since.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Yes I have. I’ve been trying to encourage her to initiate more for years, but I understand that some people just rarely will. She’s gotten better about it over the years and she may not overtly initiate but she does things that are obvious queues to both of us, but now it’s become very up front initiation. Last night I thought I was going to fall right off the couch when she just looked at me right in the middle of the movie we were watching and said “wanna F?” She has never said anything like that in her life. I responded right away and it was clear to her that yes I very much wanted to.
> 
> We’ve also admittedly found 2 new and realistic positions that we both enjoy and we’re inspired by some of the stuff she’s watching. I acknowledges that they’re good positions and I like them and they are in rotation now.
> 
> Years ago she initiated strongly once and I was busy working on something and told her we’d have to wait until later. I guess I hurt her confidence so much that she didn’t come close to initiating again for a few years. She confessed to me way after the fact and I hadn’t realized, so I told myself I would never turn her down again and I haven’t since.


Yeah, it's hard for us not to take that rejection to heart and believe that instead of you being busy that it's just that we aren't attractive. I realize some of the time that isn't it, and also that men deal with rejection all the time, but many of us (women) still struggle with it (men do too, they're just told to smush down their feelings). I cannot imagine a world in which I would ever be brave enough to say "wanna F" to my husband and we've been together 17 years. I kinda feel like that issue, though, is less serious than the porn issue. She does seem to have a really hard time walking away from it, and it's interfering with her ability to enjoy sex with you. That she's hiding it the way she is, when you guys have already talked about it, is troublesome. I hope she'd be open to a little therapy, it really does do wonders.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yeah, it's hard for us not to take that rejection to heart and believe that instead of you being busy that it's just that we aren't attractive. I realize some of the time that isn't it, and also that men deal with rejection all the time, but many of us (women) still struggle with it (men do too, they're just told to smush down their feelings). I cannot imagine a world in which I would ever be brave enough to say "wanna F" to my husband and we've been together 17 years. I kinda feel like that issue, though, is less serious than the porn issue. She does seem to have a really hard time walking away from it, and it's interfering with her ability to enjoy sex with you. That she's hiding it the way she is, when you guys have already talked about it, is troublesome. I hope she'd be open to a little therapy, it really does do wonders.


Not being disrespectful, just a different perspective. I can't imagine a world where W doesn't say that semi regularly if I'm too focused otherwise. 

Sometimes she uses the f work, mostly just directly say you have 5 minutes to be naked in bed, or want to fool around, very commonly is hey I want a poke.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

High and dry said:


> Yes I have. I’ve been trying to encourage her to initiate more for years, but I understand that some people just rarely will. She’s gotten better about it over the years and she may not overtly initiate but she does things that are obvious queues to both of us, but now it’s become very up front initiation. Last night I thought I was going to fall right off the couch when she just looked at me right in the middle of the movie we were watching and said “wanna F?” She has never said anything like that in her life. I responded right away and it was clear to her that yes I very much wanted to.
> 
> We’ve also admittedly found 2 new and realistic positions that we both enjoy and we’re inspired by some of the stuff she’s watching. I acknowledges that they’re good positions and I like them and they are in rotation now.
> 
> Years ago she initiated strongly once and I was busy working on something and told her we’d have to wait until later. I guess I hurt her confidence so much that she didn’t come close to initiating again for a few years. She confessed to me way after the fact and I hadn’t realized, so I told myself I would never turn her down again and I haven’t since.


It's being way way oversensitive to take umbridge over one delay/rejection. To let it stop her initiating for years? Wow.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's being way way oversensitive to take umbridge over one delay/rejection. To let it stop her initiating for years? Wow.


Not all of us are that comfortable in our skin and so confident. It’s not her husbands problem, I’m not saying that, but I understand how she feels.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Not all of us are that comfortable in our skin and so confident. It’s not her husbands problem, I’m not saying that, but I understand how she feels.


You've got to admit getting turned down once and stopping initiating for years because of that once is a bit much in a M.

A M isn't all about sex but somehow finding a way to open the doors of communication. Something deeper perhaps.

I don't believe the masturbation itself is the problem but a manifestation of something that's changed.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You've got to admit getting turned down once and stopping initiating for years because of that once is a bit much in a M.
> 
> A M isn't all about sex but somehow finding a way to open the doors of communication. Something deeper perhaps.
> 
> I don't believe the masturbation itself is the problem but a manifestation of something that's changed.


I don’t have to admit that because I understand how she feels. He initiates when he wants it. I said it wasn’t his problem, there’s nothing for him to do about it. Not asking anything at all of him, just explaining how some of us feel.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

My wife is just generally very shy when it comes to sex. During the act and behind closed doors she opens up more but I have to really get her turned on and in the mood for the shyness to go away, which it normally does. She can be very sexual but generally not before sex is happening. She had zero sexual experience of any kind before me and the time I turned her down was much earlier on in our marriage when I think she still just felt very inexperienced and hadn’t developed much confidence sexually yet. I agree that it’s a bit unusual to be so hurt by a “maybe in a little bit once I’m done working on this” that you won’t initiate for years afterwards but we’ve talked about it and I’ve reassured it and it’s really not been something that’s caused any major issues. I like when she initiates but lack of initiation on her part doesn’t upset me. 

She also doesn’t use the F word for anything at all, let alone in a sexual context.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Not all of us are that comfortable in our skin and so confident. It’s not her husbands problem, I’m not saying that, but I understand how she feels.


I may feel a little slighted, but years?????


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I may feel a little slighted, but years?????


Honestly I’m glad that seems so weird to you, because it means you love yourself and are proud of your body. ❤❤❤ That’s wonderful, I’m happy for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Honestly I’m glad that seems so weird to you, because it means you love yourself and are proud of your body. ❤❤❤ That’s wonderful, I’m happy for you.


No, it's because I choose not to make a mountain out of a molehill.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> No, it's because I choose not to make a mountain out of a molehill.


Your molehill might be someone else’s mountain. Empathy. It’s a nice thing. Contempt is less nice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Your molehill might be someone else’s mountain. Empathy. It’s a nice thing. Contempt is less nice.


Anyone who is married cant afford to make mountains out of molehills nor live in the past . This was ONE occasion where he just says 'not right now I am in the middle of something, can we wait till later on?'. Seems very reasonable to me. Many men especially are constantly rejected . 
Sometimes people need tough love.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Honestly I’m glad that seems so weird to you, because it means you love yourself and are proud of your body. ❤❤❤ That’s wonderful, I’m happy for you.


But being happy in one's body doesn't mean one believes they have a perfect body. Far from it.

A H still loves his Ws imperfect body as she loves his imperfect body. 

And this is all friendly I'm not looking to fight.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But being happy in one's body doesn't mean one believes they have a perfect body. Far from it.
> 
> A H still loves his Ws imperfect body as she loves his imperfect body.
> 
> And this is all friendly I'm not looking to fight.


Off topic. If you want to discuss, we’d need a new thread.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Anyone who is married cant afford to make mountains out of molehills nor live in the past . This was ONE occasion where he just says 'not right now I am in the middle of something, can we wait till later on?'. Seems very reasonable to me. Many men especially are constantly rejected .
> Sometimes people need tough love.


I don’t think further shaming her will help her right now.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Anyone who is married cant afford to make mountains out of molehills nor live in the past . This was ONE occasion where he just says 'not right now I am in the middle of something, can we wait till later on?'. Seems very reasonable to me. Many men especially are constantly rejected .
> Sometimes people need tough love.


This is a non-issue for us. My wife doesn’t typically make mountains out of molehills or live in the past. This was quite a few years ago now.

I also don’t think it had anything to do with body image issues and I don’t think that’s at play with anything going on now. She has a fantastic figure and I’m not saying that just because I’m biased. Men notice too and she doesn’t have to wear revealing clothing for it to be apparent. Back then when I rejected her one time she was about 100 pounds and probably not an ounce of fat to be found. Now she has the most perfect womanly body that is a little soft in just the right places that I like, and which I admire more after she’s carried our children. Like everyone she has things that she’d like to improve but I don’t think any of it has to do with being uncomfortable with her body or with being naked in front of me. We are active and work out together and I’ve never seen anything physical being a confidence issue between us. Then again, I’m not a woman so who knows.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> This is a non-issue for us. My wife doesn’t typically make mountains out of molehills or live in the past. This was quite a few years ago now.
> 
> I also don’t think it had anything to do with body image issues and I don’t think that’s at play with anything going on now. She has a fantastic figure and I’m not saying that just because I’m biased. Men notice too and she doesn’t have to wear revealing clothing for it to be apparent. Back then when I rejected her one time she was about 100 pounds and probably not an ounce of fat to be found. Now she has the most perfect womanly body that is a little soft in just the right places that I like, and which I admire more after she’s carried our children. Like everyone she has things that she’d like to improve but I don’t think any of it has to do with being uncomfortable with her body or with being naked in front of me. We are active and work out together and I’ve never seen anything physical being a confidence issue between us. Then again, I’m not a woman so who knows.


Well shoot, that simplifies things. In short, all these posts, and I guess she wants to masturbate and have sex with you.
,
Part of me is just kidding but if no problems it seems there's a gap somewhere between no problem and reported problem.

Plenty of sex, you say almost at will, anyway, if you're ok with sexual frequency and quality for this period in her life she wants to overcome her shyness and does by masturbating and exploring what she likes.

Kind of reiterating as long as she doesn't turn you down then masturbate 10 minutes later then let her alone if she wants to masturbate.

Dunno.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t think further shaming her will help her right now.


Not 'shaming' anyone.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I can’t imagine telling her that I’m taking her to speak with a professional will go over very well at all.


What about a religious leader from her church?

There is a large contingent of Christians that believe porn is the same as bringing other people into your marital bed. Never mind all the social and potential criminal issues with porn. Your wife has a real problem if she is secretly masturbating right next to you in bed. It also make me wonder how observant are you? lol. 

She has to know she has a genuine problem. Any chance she would agree to putting a porn blocker or some other kind of parental control on her phone? I guess the real question is, at this point does she know she has a problem and does she want to do anything about it?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OP, guess if you don't think she will go for any counseling AND you are OK with it, than maybe its not an issue?

Honestly, if my wife were watching porn and masturbating, I would be over the moon with joy. Yeah I know some will say its not good but I have the other extreme with lack of interest on her part altogether. I mean she has sex but not really into it enough to want to watch porn and take care of herself (she doesn't masturbate that I know of).

Not trying to thread jack just sharing that maybe while your wife seems to be taking it to an extreme, maybe if its not too much in your eyes, you can deal with it? 

Not sure but if you don't think she will go talk to someone, I suppose it won't really change and you just have to get used to it?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Well shoot, that simplifies things. In short, all these posts, and I guess she wants to masturbate and have sex with you.
> ,
> Part of me is just kidding but if no problems it seems there's a gap somewhere between no problem and reported problem.
> 
> ...


Yeah maybe its not as bad as it sounds?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Any chance she would agree to putting a porn blocker or some other kind of parental control on her phone? I guess the real question is, at this point does she know she has a problem and does she want to do anything about it?


Honestly, IMO the last thing that needs to be done is for someone from the church to get involved. His wife needs no criticism or shaming from any source, especially from some church lady. And I am saying this as a Christian. There are unfortunately a lot of self-righteous busybodies in every church I have ever attended, With beams in their eyes.

She already realizes there is a problem, will need to seek help for herself.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Honestly, IMO the last thing that needs to be done is for someone from the church to get involved. His wife needs no criticism or shaming from any source, especially from some church lady. And I am saying this as a Christian. There are unfortunately a lot of self-righteous busybodies in every church I have ever attended, With beams in their eyes.
> 
> She already realizes there is a problem, will need to seek help for herself.


The church will shame her and remind her that her body and sexuality belong to her husband, not her. She will be shamed for porn and for masturbation and for being sexual as a woman. Counterproductive at best. She will not get any help, she will just hate herself.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The church will shame her and remind her that her body and sexuality belong to her husband, not her. She will be shamed for porn and for masturbation and for being sexual as a woman. Counterproductive at best. She will not get any help, she will just hate herself.


She would probably be far too embarrassed to seek help for this from within the Church. I think she knows exactly what they’d say, which is part of the reason she feels ashamed for doing it and wants to hide it from me. I don’t want her to feel ashamed. Not only do I not want her to feel that way, period, but I think if she were to be made to feel that way for not sharing every ounce of her sexual pleasure with me I fear it could actually backfire on me and our relationship and we could be set back 15 years ago.

Please let it be known that I don’t personally subscribe to the idea that her body and sexuality belong to me. Her mother is very much of that school of thought and also thinks porn is a sin, etc.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

H&D,

I think at the root of this is the fact that your W cannot trust you enough to be honest with you. I would not say she is lying outright but omitting the truth.

She doesn't make that much effort to hide it from you which is a plus.

Perhaps deep in her past she used porn in her first sexual experiences which allowed her to relieve her sexual tension without the risks of actual sex. When she got bored with you she fell back on it.

Could also be that in her fantasy world she does things with people she could never do with you, she can only be good with you.

Women are frequently embarrised that porn turns them on, my W made a pained admission one time that she used to look at dirty comic books her parents had and got really horny at the though of giving BJs. She carried guilt about this for a long time despite it being something I would never object to or judge her for.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I appreciate the input from everyone. I think the first step is trying to get her to talk to me about it when we aren’t in the immediate aftermath of me accidentally catching her watching it or immediately after she gets frustrated because our attempt at replicating some crazy thing she saw in porn didn’t work out the way she wanted. If I can sit her down and get her to talk about what’s going on outside of those contexts that’s will be the first step.

I’m not looking to completely stop her from masturbating or to try to force her to seek professional help for this issue, unless it’s something she wants. I do think it’s affecting the frequency and her overall enjoyment of sex between us. She’s been putting a bigger effort into the frequency later because I told her I wasn’t happy to find out she’s been masturbating multiple times a day and then refusing sex with me for several days in a row. For that I am thankful. I am hoping this is a temporary issue but I also fear it getting worse. I’m fine with her masturbating but I’m not sure how I feel about her secretly masturbating to porn several times a day, even if she does end up having sex with me later. There’s just something odd going on if she’s feeling the need to have that many orgasms throughout the day. Being a grown adult with a job, family, and responsibilities and sneaking off the secretly rub one out to porn 2-3 times a day is sort of worrisome, especially since it’s seemed to have come on pretty quickly and is so incredibly unlike her. I guess above all I’d really just like her to be able to be more open with me about it. I feel like we’ve always had a lot of open communication when it comes to sex so why is she shutting me out?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Being a grown adult with a job, family, and responsibilities and sneaking off the secretly rub one out to porn 2-3 times a day is sort of worrisome, especially since it’s seemed to have come on pretty quickly and is so incredibly unlike her.


Well, I forgot her age but hormones can be like flipping a switch. And the switch can go from "normal" to maximum speed or full stop in short order. Ask me how I know. Will she go to a GYN to discuss it?

From the brilliance of the internet: "As suggested by new research, the major causes and reasons that turn females into hyper-sexual individuals are the high rate of masturbation and pornography use". Makes no sense to me, but maybe so. Seems like a chicken and egg scenerio. I HAVE read elsewhere that like any addiction, the more of a drug a person uses the more they want to use. Gambling, hard drugs, porn, whatever. The more a person engages, the more they want to engage in the activity.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Being a grown adult with a job, family, and responsibilities and sneaking off the secretly rub one out to porn 2-3 times a day is sort of worrisome, especially since it’s seemed to have come on pretty quickly and is so incredibly unlike her.


Hopefully this doesn't progress to dealing with her on fire libido by seeking out other men.

Btw, a recent poster acknowledged that masturbating to porn was her preferrence and that the only way she could get off with her husband was to replicate the positions she observed on porn.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Well, I forgot her age but hormones can be like flipping a switch. And the switch can go from "normal" to maximum speed or full stop in short order. Ask me how I know. Will she go to a GYN to discuss it?
> 
> From the brilliance of the internet: "As suggested by new research, the major causes and reasons that turn females into hyper-sexual individuals are the high rate of masturbation and pornography use". Makes no sense to me, but maybe so. Seems like a chicken and egg scenerio. I HAVE read elsewhere that like any addiction, the more of a drug a person uses the more they want to use. Gambling, hard drugs, porn, whatever. The more a person engages, the more they want to engage in the activity.


She’s 37. I don’t see her speaking with anyone about this anytime soon, but if she approached it with her doctor she wouldn’t need to divulge the porn and masturbation aspects of the situation, which is what she doesn’t want to reveal to anyone. Her hormones were tested (actually evaluated over a multi-month span) around a year ago. Everything looked “normal” but they weren’t looking for anything that might be causing unusually high libido at that time. I suppose a year is plenty of time for something to have gone haywire.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Hopefully this doesn't progress to dealing with her on fire libido by seeking out other men.
> 
> Btw, a recent poster acknowledged that masturbating to porn was her preferrence and that the only way she could get off with her husband was to replicate the positions she observed on porn.


My wife is still chasing whatever she’s seeing in porn lately and I don’t want it to get to the point that she needs that, whatever “that” is, the visuals, the watching other people, the crazy unrealistic moves, etc. For a little while that’s all she wanted and regular sex wouldn’t cut it. She’s still sort of hooked on the visuals and I’m trying different things to make that happen for her. I can’t cum 15 times in a row to replicate her rewatching that same 10 second part of her porno videos over and over, so sort of stuck there.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> She’s 37. I don’t see her speaking with anyone about this anytime soon, but if she approached it with her doctor she wouldn’t need to divulge the porn and masturbation aspects of the situation, which is what she doesn’t want to reveal to anyone. Her hormones were tested (actually evaluated over a multi-month span) around a year ago. Everything looked “normal” but they weren’t looking for anything that might be causing unusually high libido at that time. I suppose a year is plenty of time for something to have gone haywire.


Yes a year is a long time. My wife from normal to insatiable back to normal in 6 months, all from Testosterone increasing then back to normal.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Yes a year is a long time. My wife from normal to insatiable back to normal in 6 months, all from Testosterone increasing then back to normal.


What caused the spike and eventual drop in her testosterone during that time?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> What caused the spike and eventual drop in her testosterone during that time?


Hormone nurse got mix hrt dosages off. But she wasnt actually ever on testosterone. It was the estrogen/progesterone balance that somehow got out of whack and caused the testosterone that is naturally present to become dominant. It was a nurse new to her treatment.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> My wife is still chasing whatever she’s seeing in porn lately and I don’t want it to get to the point that she needs that, whatever “that” is, the visuals, the watching other people, the crazy unrealistic moves, etc. For a little while that’s all she wanted and regular sex wouldn’t cut it. She’s still sort of hooked on the visuals and I’m trying different things to make that happen for her. I can’t cum 15 times in a row to replicate her rewatching that same 10 second part of her porno videos over and over, so sort of stuck there.


Maybe there is a physical issue that caused her libido to soar, which she responded to in a way that caused a psychological addiction. She can tell her GYN what she feels is “off”. I read somewhere that perimenopause can start late 30s. Womans hormone changes can cause lot of issues.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> She’s 37. I don’t see her speaking with anyone about this anytime soon, but if she approached it with her doctor she wouldn’t need to divulge the porn and masturbation aspects of the situation, which is what she doesn’t want to reveal to anyone. Her hormones were tested (actually evaluated over a multi-month span) around a year ago. Everything looked “normal” but they weren’t looking for anything that might be causing unusually high libido at that time. I suppose a year is plenty of time for something to have gone haywire.


What WERE they looking for?


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> What WERE they looking for?


It was part of some of the testing that was done to try to determine what was causing her to have multiple miscarriages.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> It was part of some of the testing that was done to try to determine what was causing her to have multiple miscarriages.


Well, I thought hormones had a lot to do with carrying child to term. I would think she isnt comfortable with how she is feeling? Being driven by insatiable libido. Maybe an appointment with GYN is a place to start.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> My wife is still chasing whatever she’s seeing in porn lately and I don’t want it to get to the point that she needs that, whatever “that” is, the visuals, the watching other people, the crazy unrealistic moves, etc. For a little while that’s all she wanted and regular sex wouldn’t cut it. She’s still sort of hooked on the visuals and I’m trying different things to make that happen for her. I can’t cum 15 times in a row to replicate her rewatching that same 10 second part of her porno videos over and over, so sort of stuck there.


You know this utter nonsense. In no way should you be trying to replicate porn scenes for your wife. I think that is just helping enable and feed what appears to be a serious issue with her. I think you should have a zero tolerance for her porn use. Have her put a blocker on her phone and on your home internet access. And if she really wants to get over this then she would agree to being held accountable. I don't know if her extreme porn use is the root cause or if it is just a symptom of something else, but playing along isn't going to help her in either case. 

This isn't directed at you @High and dry but I really find it interesting that many are advising that a woman with a MAJOR porn issue be handled with kid gloves and no one is upset that the husband is caving into her desire to have him mimic porn scenes. If the genders were reversed there would be multiple calls to crucify the husband with a porn issue and badgering his wife to do the things he has been watching. It speaks volumes IMO about people's underlying biases.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You know this utter nonsense. In no way should you be trying to replicate porn scenes for your wife. I think that is just helping enable and feed what appears to be a serious issue with her. I think you should have a zero tolerance for her porn use. Have her put a blocker on her phone and on your home internet access. And if she really wants to get over this then she would agree to being held accountable. I don't know if her extreme porn use is the root cause or if it is just a symptom of something else, but playing along isn't going to help her in either case.
> 
> This isn't directed at you @High and dry but I really find it interesting that many are advising that a woman with a MAJOR porn issue be handled with kid gloves and no one is upset that the husband is caving into her desire to have him mimic porn scenes. If the genders were reversed there would be multiple calls to crucify the husband with a porn issue and badgering his wife to do the things he has been watching. It speaks volumes IMO about people's underlying biases.


I agree as if it was a guy, everyone would be all over him.

The only caveat is OP has said his wife won't go for counseling like I and others suggested and doesn't want to bring it up so I see this essentially the same as those who have someone who doesn't want to do certain things just on the other side of the spectrum. And thus he has three choices, live with it, do something about it or leave.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You know this utter nonsense. In no way should you be trying to replicate porn scenes for your wife. I think that is just helping enable and feed what appears to be a serious issue with her. I think you should have a zero tolerance for her porn use. Have her put a blocker on her phone and on your home internet access. And if she really wants to get over this then she would agree to being held accountable. I don't know if her extreme porn use is the root cause or if it is just a symptom of something else, but playing along isn't going to help her in either case.
> 
> This isn't directed at you @High and dry but I really find it interesting that many are advising that a woman with a MAJOR porn issue be handled with kid gloves and no one is upset that the husband is caving into her desire to have him mimic porn scenes. If the genders were reversed there would be multiple calls to crucify the husband with a porn issue and badgering his wife to do the things he has been watching. It speaks volumes IMO about people's underlying biases.


Can you imagine the reaction here if I said I turn porn on the TV while I have sex with my wife so I can watch the scenes as I use her body basically as a toy to get off on? LOL


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If the genders were reversed there would be multiple calls to crucify the husband with a porn issue and badgering his wife to do the things he has been watching. It speaks volumes IMO about people's underlying biases.


Indeed. The "there is nothing wrong with porn" crowd need to read some stories like this one, about the real-world impact of addictions to porn or any other "hook". 

OP's wife is honestly going to need some major help to overcome this because now, all the images in her brain of videos she has watched are immediately called up numerous times of day and night. She has OP performing like a trained monkey to mimic the last 10 seconds of sex on a screen that she plays over and over. Just think about that for a minute. It is affecting the intimacy in their marriage and if it isn't dealt with can totally destroy their marriage and her life. 

What is worse, she knows she has a major monster trying to devour her but is too ashamed to seek out any and all help available. I have no idea if there is anything like AA for people addicted to porn and/or sex but something like a 12 step plan is maybe essential to totally kick this habit. Unfortunately, the monkey is always ready from now on to jump back onto her back.

@High and dry, I really feel bad for you and for your wife. She and you have been through a lot already with multiple miscarriages, neither need this monster stalking you. Since she won't actively seek help, you as the adult in the room are going to need to take the bull by the horns and force the issue. This isn't going to improve without intervention, I think you are seeing a slide to the bottom in progress. First step IMO is determining if their is a physical root cause.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Indeed. The "there is nothing wrong with porn" crowd need to read some stories like this one, about the real-world impact of addictions to porn or any other "hook".
> 
> OP's wife is honestly going to need some major help to overcome this because now, all the images in her brain of videos she has watched are immediately called up numerous times of day and night. She has OP performing like a trained monkey to mimic the last 10 seconds of sex on a screen that she plays over and over. Just think about that for a minute. It is affecting the intimacy in their marriage and if it isn't dealt with can totally destroy their marriage and her life.
> 
> ...


My opinion is the husband needs to take a loving, but hard stance that porn stops now. She has basically brought a 3rd party into the marital bed and has forced her husband go along with it. Unless this situation takes a 180 I fear she is likely to slip into deeper and darker places.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Can you imagine the reaction here if I said I turn porn on the TV while I have sex with my wife so I can watch the scenes as I use her body basically as a toy to get off on? LOL


That would def be just wrong.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Can you imagine the reaction here if I said I turn porn on the TV while I have sex with my wife so I can watch the scenes as I use her body basically as a toy to get off on? LOL


We tried that a few times. I sunk that low. I figured it was better than nothing, for me. Admittedly, it was kind of hot to see her watching it during the act since it’s just so unlike her, a new side. But then it started to feel TOO unlike her and I didn’t enjoy that. I wanted my wife back, the person who used to be engaged only with me during sex, not staring at a screen. I practically felt like I wasn’t even there. We were not connected emotionally at all during it and it felt very cold. She didn’t really enjoy me overhearing what she was watching and felt embarrassed watching it while with me (screen was positioned so she could see it but I could not…I didn’t really want to watch it to be honest with you).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> We tried that a few times. I sunk that low. I figured it was better than nothing, for me. Admittedly, it was kind of hot to see her watching it during the act since it’s just so unlike her, a new side. But then it started to feel TOO unlike her and I didn’t enjoy that. I wanted my wife back, the person who used to be engaged only with me during sex, not staring at a screen. I practically felt like I wasn’t even there. We were not connected emotionally at all during it and it felt very cold. She didn’t really enjoy me overhearing what she was watching and felt embarrassed watching it while with me (screen was positioned so she could see it but I could not…I didn’t really want to watch it to be honest with you).


You were her sex doll, it is sad, but don't fault yourself. You are trying to help your wife and your marriage. There is no shame in that. 

This isn't a physical addiction, but it is an addiction nonetheless. She needs to go cold turkey. I would say she is free to masturbate if she likes, but never again with porn. I feel you must take a hard stance on this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> We tried that a few times. I sunk that low. I figured it was better than nothing, for me. Admittedly, it was kind of hot to see her watching it during the act since it’s just so unlike her, a new side. But then it started to feel TOO unlike her and I didn’t enjoy that. I wanted my wife back, the person who used to be engaged only with me during sex, not staring at a screen. I practically felt like I wasn’t even there. We were not connected emotionally at all during it and it felt very cold. She didn’t really enjoy me overhearing what she was watching and felt embarrassed watching it while with me (screen was positioned so she could see it but I could not…I didn’t really want to watch it to be honest with you).


I'm not saying this is a good idea, but have you tried asking her if she wanted to have her and you on camera wireless to the room tv, so she and you could watch? Maybe she wants to voyeur out a bit. No recording.

Just spitballing. I don't think it's a good idea but there's no telling.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The church will shame her and remind her that her body and sexuality belong to her husband, not her. She will be shamed for porn and for masturbation and for being sexual as a woman. Counterproductive at best. She will not get any help, she will just hate herself.


You are so misguided it hurts. No doubt, of the millions of churches out there, I’m sure there’s one out there somewhere who seeks to shame ALL sexuality, but any Bible-led church reads Genesis chapter 2 and sees GOD as having created the 2 genders, BOTH in His image, and having created them sexual beings, and calling it all “VERY GOOD”. 

As has been hammered out here many times, the Bible says nothing against masturbation. Only lusting towards one not your spouse is sin. The Bible also clearly commands BOTH husbands AND wives not to deprive the other sexually. That does NOT mean “all wives are to act & be treated like “prostitutes”. How you have such a problem with all this is beyond me….


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## Aloneinmarriage (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Any kind of “addiction” is usually an escape from reality for the addict. Does your wife seem overwhelmed with something going on in her life or with the marriage? That might be her go to for an “escape.” I’d say the same about men too who get addicted to porn, that it starts to become “better than reality,” and eventually a habit that turns into an addiction.
> 
> Any addiction is unhealthy for the addict and those around them. If she were addicted to meth, you’d be finding a way to intervene or discuss having her enter a rehab. This is no different. If it’s honestly an addiction, it shouldn’t be treated any differently than an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Not that she needs a rehab, but that she needs to find a way to stop the habit because it’s not healthy at this point in your marriage, or for her. If you absolutely need porn or a drug or alcohol…need…to get through your day, you’re addicted. Just my opinion, fwiw.


My husbands an alcoholic, recovering heroin user on suboxone, I believe he’s addicted to porn as well. He had no search history on his phone yet the battery was on screen in the brave browser for 13 hours in 10 days. We argue about him not finishing during sex and using me like a rag doll until I quit 2 hours and back pain into it. I’ve tried to get him to address it but he gets mad and then tells me ‘you hate me’ and tries to make it my fault. He hides behind his lies so hard. Constantly changing his excuses. I’m so heart broken over where this has lead. He won’t let me block the internet on his phone or computer, he won’t change. I’m at my wits end. He’s not who he was 7 years ago. At least you got your wife to open up, my husband just yells, drinks more and blames me vs communicating. So many nights sleeping in different rooms and he NEVER comes to me to apologize.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Aloneinmarriage said:


> My husbands an alcoholic, recovering heroin user on suboxone, I believe he’s addicted to porn as well. He had no search history on his phone yet the battery was on screen in the brave browser for 13 hours in 10 days. We argue about him not finishing during sex and using me like a rag doll until I quit 2 hours and back pain into it. I’ve tried to get him to address it but he gets mad and then tells me ‘you hate me’ and tries to make it my fault. He hides behind his lies so hard. Constantly changing his excuses. I’m so heart broken over where this has lead. He won’t let me block the internet on his phone or computer, he won’t change. I’m at my wits end. He’s not who he was 7 years ago. At least you got your wife to open up, my husband just yells, drinks more and blames me vs communicating. So many nights sleeping in different rooms and he NEVER comes to me to apologize.


I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband sounds very abusive. Don't have any real advice but I hope things get better even if you end up having to divorce him.

One positive note, I like your avatar!


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

She doesn’t think she has a major problem, definitely not anything to see a professional about. She feels like she’s been “dirty” and is ashamed for watching porn, but she feels she can just stop watching it on her own. She laughed at the idea of it becoming an addiction. She says she doesn’t want to watch it anymore and she wishes she never had and she’s sorry for bringing it into our marriage. Now I fear she thinks I was trying to shame her for it and she feels like I’ve accused her of being a pervert or something, which was not the intention at all. She claims she’s not going to watch it again and that it never makes her feel good afterwards anyway. I asked her when and how this started anyway and she says “I don’t really know.” I’m short, I don’t feel our conversations really got anywhere and now she just feels guilty and embarrassed.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

High and dry said:


> She doesn’t think she has a major problem, definitely not anything to see a professional about. She feels like she’s been “dirty” and is ashamed for watching porn, but she feels she can just stop watching it on her own. She laughed at the idea of it becoming an addiction. She says she doesn’t want to watch it anymore and she wishes she never had and she’s sorry for bringing it into our marriage. Now I fear she thinks I was trying to shame her for it and she feels like I’ve accused her of being a pervert or something, which was not the intention at all. She claims she’s not going to watch it again and that it never makes her feel good afterwards anyway. I asked her when and how this started anyway and she says “I don’t really know.” I’m short, I don’t feel our conversations really got anywhere and now she just feels guilty and embarrassed.


She is ashamed of her behavior. You communicating your concerns is embarrassing and upsetting to her, so she feels ashamed. That doesn't mean you shamed her. 

Obviously she knows her behavior is problematic. It's created a rift in your marriage. You both know that. She also feels ashamed about that, which is natural. 

She will probably have trouble quitting. I doubt she can stop cold turkey. 

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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Aloneinmarriage said:


> My husbands an alcoholic, recovering heroin user on suboxone, I believe he’s addicted to porn as well. He had no search history on his phone yet the battery was on screen in the brave browser for 13 hours in 10 days. We argue about him not finishing during sex and using me like a rag doll until I quit 2 hours and back pain into it. I’ve tried to get him to address it but he gets mad and then tells me ‘you hate me’ and tries to make it my fault. He hides behind his lies so hard. Constantly changing his excuses. I’m so heart broken over where this has lead. He won’t let me block the internet on his phone or computer, he won’t change. I’m at my wits end. He’s not who he was 7 years ago. At least you got your wife to open up, my husband just yells, drinks more and blames me vs communicating. So many nights sleeping in different rooms and he NEVER comes to me to apologize.


I’m not sure if you meant to quote me, but just wanted to say that I hope you find a way out. Unfortunately, the only way to a better life sometimes, is to get out.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> She doesn’t think she has a major problem, definitely not anything to see a professional about. She feels like she’s been “dirty” and is ashamed for watching porn, but she feels she can just stop watching it on her own. She laughed at the idea of it becoming an addiction. She says she doesn’t want to watch it anymore and she wishes she never had and she’s sorry for bringing it into our marriage. Now I fear she thinks I was trying to shame her for it and she feels like I’ve accused her of being a pervert or something, which was not the intention at all. She claims she’s not going to watch it again and that it never makes her feel good afterwards anyway. I asked her when and how this started anyway and she says “I don’t really know.” I’m short, I don’t feel our conversations really got anywhere and now she just feels guilty and embarrassed.


Will she see a GYN?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> She will probably have trouble quitting. I doubt she can stop cold turkey.


Addicts take their addiction underground. The brain pathways exercised by repetitive addictive behavior are not easily mended, even over years of being “sober”. One hit and the addict “falls off” the wagon.

Being ashamed is normal for an addict. THEY know they are enslaved and are ashamed for being a slave.

I would be astounded if OPs wife manages to stop using porn for any time at all. She will use it in secret where and when OP cant catch her. Really sad, but that is how addicts behave


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Will she see a GYN?


Not at this moment. She became very defensive over the idea of talking to anybody about ANYTHING that might be going on with her. I tried asking her if she thought this was all caused by the porn or if she feels like her sex drive is suddenly going 200 mph and the porn use is a result of that. Because if she feels an unusually high sex drive maybe there really could be something hormonal going on. She said she didn’t know, she felt confused, she didn’t like the way she felt, and then she started crying and could tell she was getting really frustrated shutting down. I’m regretting even bringing it up now. She’s been quiet ever since the conversation last night and I think she’s avoiding me now.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I would be astounded if OPs wife manages to stop using porn for any time at all. She will use it in secret where and when OP cant catch her. Really sad, but that is how addicts behave


My first thought after our “conversation” last night was that this is great, she’s just going to become more secretive about it now. That’s really the only thing that I think is going to happen as a result of our talk.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Not at this moment. She became very defensive over the idea of talking to anybody about ANYTHING that might be going on with her. I tried asking her if she thought this was all caused by the porn or if she feels like her sex drive is suddenly going 200 mph and the porn use is a result of that. Because if she feels an unusually high sex drive maybe there really could be something hormonal going on. She said she didn’t know, she felt confused, she didn’t like the way she felt, and then she started crying and could tell she was getting really frustrated shutting down. I’m regretting even bringing it up now. She’s been quiet ever since the conversation last night and I think she’s avoiding me now.


You need to bring it up. And keep bringing it up. She knows within herself she is “off”. Somehow she needs help. Physical or psychological or both. You cant just avoid the problem and have it go away. Is there anyone besides you she trusts that could talk to her?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> She said she didn’t know, she felt confused, she didn’t like the way she felt, and then she started crying


She knows she isnt “right” but doesn't know how to seek help. Do you think she managed to process the miscarriages successfully or is that possible contributing to her feelings.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> She doesn’t think she has a major problem, definitely not anything to see a professional about. She feels like she’s been “dirty” and is ashamed for watching porn, but she feels she can just stop watching it on her own. She laughed at the idea of it becoming an addiction. She says she doesn’t want to watch it anymore and she wishes she never had and she’s sorry for bringing it into our marriage. Now I fear she thinks I was trying to shame her for it and she feels like I’ve accused her of being a pervert or something, which was not the intention at all. She claims she’s not going to watch it again and that it never makes her feel good afterwards anyway. I asked her when and how this started anyway and she says “I don’t really know.” I’m short, I don’t feel our conversations really got anywhere and now she just feels guilty and embarrassed.


She used you as a sex toy while she watched porn and she doesn't think it is a major problem? Interesting. Try to stop being afraid and actually take a leadership role.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She used you as a sex toy while she watched porn and she doesn't think it is a major problem? Interesting. Try to stop being afraid and actually take a leadership role.


To be completely fair to her, that was my idea…


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> To be completely fair to her, that was my idea…


Fair point, and change the situation, a little. 

Why do you think you need to tread so carefully with her vs addressing this directly and firmly?


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Fair point, and change the situation, a little.
> 
> Why do you think you need to tread so carefully with her vs addressing this directly and firmly?


I’m worried this could all backfire on me and she will shut down completely as far as sex with me goes. The past week, week and a half she’s been putting in more effort with sex and not requesting any crazy porn moves, visuals, etc. it was enjoyable again. Now after the conversation I tried to have with her last night I think she may feel so ashamed and embarrassed that she’ll avoid sex with me which is worse than what was happening before.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I’m worried this could all backfire on me and she will shut down completely as far as sex with me goes. The past week, week and a half she’s been putting in more effort with sex and not requesting any crazy porn moves, visuals, etc. it was enjoyable again. Now after the conversation I tried to have with her last night I think she may feel so ashamed and embarrassed that she’ll avoid sex with me which is worse than what was happening before.


Well, am out of ideas. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. She knows she has a major problem but wont allow anyone close enough to help. Which means she will have to “hit the wall”. Like an alcoholic looking in the mirror and saying “I am a drunk”. Sorry, you are in for tough ride


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

High and dry said:


> I’m worried this could all backfire on me and she will shut down completely as far as sex with me goes. The past week, week and a half she’s been putting in more effort with sex and not requesting any crazy porn moves, visuals, etc. it was enjoyable again. Now after the conversation I tried to have with her last night I think she may feel so ashamed and embarrassed that she’ll avoid sex with me which is worse than what was happening before.


This maybe true, but avoiding the problem that is messing with your marriage is not going to make things better. Avoidance usually allows things to get much worse.

Your wife's behavior is creating problems in your marriage. She says she's going to stop. That's unlikely. When/if it becomes clear that she back at it, address it immediately. This is appropriate. 

If she gets upset when you seek resolution, that is normal. Stay firm, yet gently explain that her behavior is creating marriage problems and must, therefore, be addressed whether it is uncomfortable or not. Address the behavior specifically and how it is affecting you. Tell her that this behavior is damaging your marriage and needs to stop. Do not say anything like, "You are..." State the offending behaviors. No name calling, raised voice, or other adversarial behavior. Address this by trying to come into unity with her to resolve the problem. Telk her you love her and want to help her solve this.

That's the best approach to try to avoid her becoming defensive. However, don't let her make you out to be the bad guy. 



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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I say just let her watch her porn and get off if that’s what makes her happy. I agree with OP and wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t out out at all for a while after their “talk.”


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I say just let her watch her porn and get off if that’s what makes her happy. I agree with OP and wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t out out at all for a while after their “talk.”


The longer this goes, the more confused I get. At first it sounded like she wasn’t having sex with him but now it sounds like she is… She’s giving him sex when he wants it. He’s not dissatisfied with his sex life. It’s not interfering with her job or anything. I’m not sure I understand what the problem is any more.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The longer this goes, the more confused I get. At first it sounded like she wasn’t having sex with him but now it sounds like she is… She’s giving him sex when he wants it. He’s not dissatisfied with his sex life. It’s not interfering with her job or anything. I’m not sure I understand what the problem is any more.


I think the issue is she is no longer getting turned on by sex with her husband because she is habitually watching porn and just looping specific acts over and over again while she masturbates daily. She's brushed him off for sex because "she already took care of herself." She's even been lying in bed next to him watching porn and masturbating. She has also tried to get him to mimic what she is seeing in the porn scenes and getting frustrated when the ridiculous positions turn out to actually not be so fun in real life. She has watched porn while having sex with him in an attempt to get off (that was his suggestion to address her problems). It was a very rapid and significant change in her behavior. And even she seems to recognize she has had a real problem with too much porn. This all sound like a pretty big problem to me.

I'm quite surprised you are asking what the problem is given what I thought I've seen you say previously about porn. The husband here is being compared to men with perfect physiques and huge penises do unrealistic sex acts. Things impossible for him to compete with. Just like you always say about women not being able to compare to those young 20 something porn stars.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think the issue is she is no longer getting turned on by sex with her husband because she is habitually watching porn and just looping specific acts over and over again while she masturbates daily. She's brushed him off for sex because "she already took care of herself."


So I'm incorrect, she is neglecting him sexually. I was under the impression she was having regular sex with him, I guess I misunderstood.


BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm quite surprised you are asking what the problem is given what I thought I've seen you say previously about porn. The husband here is being compared to men with perfect physiques and huge penises do unrealistic sex acts. Things impossible for him to compete with. Just like you always say about women not being able to compare to those young 20 something porn stars.


I've also said that IMO women process things differently, based on my own experience as a woman. Of course, not all women are the same, she and I could be completely different. And if you've seen much porn, especially amateur porn, the women are young and perfect but the men? They are generally not. At all. FWIW, I have never stated my opinion on pornography.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So I'm incorrect, she is neglecting him sexually. I was under the impression she was having regular sex with him, I guess I misunderstood.


To be clear, my understanding is this is actually kind of mixed. She is still having sex, but has brushed him off at times and is not turned on without porn.



TexasMom1216 said:


> I've also said that IMO women process things differently, based on my own experience as a woman. Of course, not all women are the same, she and I could be completely different. And if you've seen much porn, especially amateur porn, the women are young and perfect but the men? They are generally not. At all. FWIW, I have never stated my opinion on pornography.


I honestly couldn't remember what you've said in the past about porn. In this case she isn't looking at porn with imperfect men. OP said her thing is looking at close ups of PIV sex with very large and perfect penises. Something he can't possibly compete with.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> To be clear, my understanding is this is actually kind of mixed. She is still having sex, but has brushed him off at times and is not turned on without porn.


So he needs more sex from her. Has he asked her for more sex? Has this all already been answered and I need to go back and read the thread again?


BigDaddyNY said:


> I honestly couldn't remember what you've said in the past about porn.


Hmm.


BigDaddyNY said:


> In this case she isn't looking at porn with imperfect men. OP said her thing is looking at close ups of PIV sex with very large and perfect penises. Something he can't possibly compete with.


So he's basically in the same boat with women whose husbands use porn? I mean, I've yet to see many men say that men shouldn't use porn because their wives don't look and act like porn stars (although I believe you aren't a huge supporter of porn use, if I recall correctly). Most of the time in this situation, women are told it's not their place to tell a man what to do with himself. So... he can demand more sex if that's what he wants but I still am not sure what the issue is here.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So he needs more sex from her. Has he asked her for more sex? Has this all already been answered and I need to go back and read the thread again?
> 
> Hmm.
> 
> So he's basically in the same boat with women whose husbands use porn? I mean, I've yet to see many men say that men shouldn't use porn because their wives don't look and act like porn stars (although I believe you aren't a huge supporter of porn use, if I recall correctly). Most of the time in this situation, women are told it's not their place to tell a man what to do with himself. So... he can demand more sex if that's what he wants but I still am not sure what the issue is here.


He is in that same boat. It is a two way street, it is just that men are much more common consumers of porn than women. I have admitted that I've had an issue with porn in the past and I no longer see porn as something positive, but I also think that it is a personal choice. However, everything can be taken too far.

It isn't as straight forward as all sex has been cut off. I think the real concern is this behavior is so far out of the norm for his wife. Going from never really masturbating and being turned off by porn to watching porn and masturbating daily, maybe more. I think he is concerned that this is just the beginning of a bigger issue.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He is in that same boat. It is a two way street, it is just that men are much more common consumers of porn than women. I have admitted that I've had an issue with porn in the past and I no longer see porn as something positive, but I also think that it is a personal choice. However, everything can be taken too far.
> 
> It isn't as straight forward as all sex has been cut off. I think the real concern is this behavior is so far out of the norm for his wife. Going from never really masturbating and being turned off by porn to watching porn and masturbating daily, maybe more. I think he is concerned that this is just the beginning of a bigger issue.


There's another post today about a woman whose husband expects her to look and act like a porn star. I don't recall any woman ever saying that she expects her husband to look like a porn star.

Yeah I guess IMO if this isn’t interfering with him getting the sex he wants from her and it’s not a problem for her job or kids that unless she specifically asks for “help” there’s not actually a problem. At this point she’ll probably hide it, so it will for all intents go away for him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There's another post today about a woman whose husband expects her to look and act like a porn star. I don't recall any woman ever saying that she expects her husband to look like a porn star.
> 
> Yeah I guess IMO if this isn’t interfering with him getting the sex he wants from her and it’s not a problem for her job or kids that unless she specifically asks for “help” there’s not actually a problem. At this point she’ll probably hide it, so it will for all intents go away for him.


So in your opinion, so long conditions in your last paragraph are met, porn use without limit is fine for either gender, correct? If man is watching porn actresses on screen, looping through 10 seconds of same sequence while he is on top of his wife, that is ok as long as it isnt interfering with his job and his wife is getting as much sex as she wants. If he puts her into positions he is seeing on porn and treating her like a trained monkey, that is just fine. Correct?


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There's another post today about a woman whose husband expects her to look and act like a porn star. I don't recall any woman ever saying that she expects her husband to look like a porn star.
> 
> Yeah I guess IMO if this isn’t interfering with him getting the sex he wants from her and it’s not a problem for her job or kids that unless she specifically asks for “help” there’s not actually a problem. At this point she’ll probably hide it, so it will for all intents go away for him.


Well, even somebody like me can see what the problem is in OP’s case. There IS an issue (or multiple).

From what he said, it sounds like they actually had a good, frequent, loving, connected sex life before all of this started. I don’t know what that’s like really but that’s what it sounds like he is describing was the case before very recently. Then suddenly within the past few months she has started watching porn and masturbating daily, sometimes even more than once a day. During sex it sounds like it’s not the same as it once was. He mentioned a few times that she has brushed him off or refused sex because she already masturbated that day. Then when they do have sex, which still seems to be rather frequent, she’s not connected to him like she once was. She’s focused on replicating the things in porn or having the visual stimulation that porn gives her. I understand how it could be in a similar vein of inviting a 3rd party into the bedroom. She’s so focused on that and not focused on her husband or their connection with each other. So he’s just sort of there as a prop. Meanwhile because it’s largely impossible to replicate all of that porn stuff (and if you do, it doesn’t feel good), she’s getting frustrated on top of everything else. Yes, to me it sounds like their sex life was pretty great before and now while frequency hasn’t tanked the quality has tanked. To the husband, this isn’t great sex plus he knows that she’s probably thinking of all of the porno sec and wishing he had a foot long penis abnormally thick penis with not a sign of hair anywhere in sight!

To OP’a credit, he has tried to please this new side of her. He doesn’t even seem to want to tell her to never watch porn or to never masturbate. It sounds like he just misses the way sex used to be with her when it was just the 2 of them and not him, her, and the close up shots of PIV ejaculation looping in her brain.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So in your opinion, so long conditions in your last paragraph are met, porn use without limit is fine for either gender, correct? If man is watching porn actresses on screen, looping through 10 seconds of same sequence while he is on top of his wife, that is ok as long as it isnt interfering with his job and his wife is getting as much sex as she wants. If he puts her into positions he is seeing on porn and treating her like a trained monkey, that is just fine. Correct?


No. I don’t think she should have talked to him about any of this. If I recall he inadvertently discovered her porn use and confronted her. Then he offered to bring porn into their sex life to try it and it didn’t work. I don’t believe it hurt him, I think it was uncomfortable for her. Regardless, it was a huge mistake. She should have said no, because it was a terrible idea for her to do that to him. Watching porn during sex that is on her phone where he can’t see is also a terrible idea. I really feel for her because there’s no way to put this particular cat back in the bag, in a manner of speaking. I of course never said that bringing porn into his sex was a good thing, But I guess that doesn’t matter.

What I am saying is that if he’s getting the sex he wants why does it matter what she does on her own? If she keeps it to herself and it’s not interfering with him getting what he wants, why is it a problem that she is masturbating? I don’t understand why it’s a problem. Are men grossed out by women masturbating? Cause if so I need to change some things, I’ve done it during sex and now I’m really embarrassed. I’d like to know if that’s disgusting. But apparently she occasionally says no to sex and that’s the problem, he isn’t getting it on demand. I’m not sure what to do other than tell her she has to.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I have to admit the thing about her looping the same short snippets of the close up PIV is a little weird to me. What is it about that part that turns her on so much?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No. I don’t think she should have talked to him about any of this. If I recall he inadvertently discovered her porn use and confronted her. Then he offered to bring porn into their sex life to try it and it didn’t work. I don’t believe it hurt him, I think it was uncomfortable for her. Regardless, it was a huge mistake. She should have said no, because it was a terrible idea for her to do that to him. Watching porn during sex that is on her phone where he can’t see is also a terrible idea. I really feel for her because there’s no way to put this particular cat back in the bag, in a manner of speaking. I of course never said that bringing porn into his sex was a good thing, But I guess that doesn’t matter.
> 
> What I am saying is that if he’s getting the sex he wants why does it matter what she does on her own? If she keeps it to herself and it’s not interfering with him getting what he wants, why is it a problem that she is masturbating? I don’t understand why it’s a problem. But apparently she occasionally says no to sex and that’s the problem, he isn’t getting it on demand. I’m not sure what to do other than tell her she has to.


I think it's a phase she's going through and time will pass, the novelty wears off, problem solves itself. 
That said it sounds like there are other issues going on.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No. I don’t think she should have talked to him about any of this. If I recall he inadvertently discovered her porn use and confronted her. Then he offered to bring porn into their sex life to try it and it didn’t work. I don’t believe it hurt him, I think it was uncomfortable for her. Regardless, it was a huge mistake. She should have said no, because it was a terrible idea for her to do that to him. Watching porn during sex that is on her phone where he can’t see is also a terrible idea. I really feel for her because there’s no way to put this particular cat back in the bag, in a manner of speaking. I of course never said that bringing porn into his sex was a good thing, But I guess that doesn’t matter.
> 
> What I am saying is that if he’s getting the sex he wants why does it matter what she does on her own? If she keeps it to herself and it’s not interfering with him getting what he wants, why is it a problem that she is masturbating? I don’t understand why it’s a problem. But apparently she occasionally says no to sex and that’s the problem, he isn’t getting it on demand. I’m not sure what to do other than tell her she has to.


I see it differently. I’m too lazy to go back through the thread but I thought he said something about after confronting her when she was accidentally found out she cried and admitted to needing it to be turned on or something. Maybe I’m assuming though. I don’t get the impression that he decided to bring porn into their sex life just for fun. It seemed that she was struggling with being turned on during sex after od’ing on porn so as a possible solution he was trying to incorporate the porn stuff into their sex life to please her. But then it didn’t work. 

I don’t think he’s getting the quality of sex he wants. Just because she’s there riding him doesn’t mean it’s quality sex. Also, she sometimes sneaks off to watch porn and masturbate multiple times a day. I’d probably be a bit concerned if I were him too. That’s a bit compulsive if you ask me. It doesn’t sound like his issue is that he’s not getting sex on demand. He actually sounds like a very caring and understanding husband, as much as he can be in this situation.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Well, even somebody like me can see what the problem is in OP’s case. There IS an issue (or multiple).
> 
> From what he said, it sounds like they actually had a good, frequent, loving, connected sex life before all of this started. I don’t know what that’s like really but that’s what it sounds like he is describing was the case before very recently. Then suddenly within the past few months she has started watching porn and masturbating daily, sometimes even more than once a day. During sex it sounds like it’s not the same as it once was. He mentioned a few times that she has brushed him off or refused sex because she already masturbated that day. Then when they do have sex, which still seems to be rather frequent, she’s not connected to him like she once was. She’s focused on replicating the things in porn or having the visual stimulation that porn gives her. I understand how it could be in a similar vein of inviting a 3rd party into the bedroom. She’s so focused on that and not focused on her husband or their connection with each other. So he’s just sort of there as a prop. Meanwhile because it’s largely impossible to replicate all of that porn stuff (and if you do, it doesn’t feel good), she’s getting frustrated on top of everything else. Yes, to me it sounds like their sex life was pretty great before and now while frequency hasn’t tanked the quality has tanked. To the husband, this isn’t great sex plus he knows that she’s probably thinking of all of the porno sec and wishing he had a foot long penis abnormally thick penis with not a sign of hair anywhere in sight!
> 
> To OP’a credit, he has tried to please this new side of her. He doesn’t even seem to want to tell her to never watch porn or to never masturbate. It sounds like he just misses the way sex used to be with her when it was just the 2 of them and not him, her, and the close up shots of PIV ejaculation looping in her brain.


Oh! Ok I get it. She’s making sex with him about her fantasies from porn instead of about him. I thought they tried that, it didn’t work and they stopped. If she is still doing that, then clearly it’s a problem. He may have to tell her that she needs to focus on his needs during sex. I don’t know what to say about hers, that doesn't really matter though, she'll have to get over it. Trying to recreate porn only works if you are an actual porn star. Which she clearly is not.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I don’t think OP is disgusted by his wife or women in general masturbating. The masturbation itself doesn’t seem to be the main issue. It’s the very frequent and almost compulsive masturbation to porn. And now he also seems to feel horrible that he’s brought this up with her and she’s now feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I think he’s right that she’s going to shut down with sex in general because she probably feels so embarrassed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I don’t think OP is disgusted by his wife or women in general masturbating. The masturbation itself doesn’t seem to be the main issue. It’s the very frequent and almost compulsive masturbation to porn. And now he also seems to feel horrible that he’s brought this up with her and she’s now feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I think he’s right that she’s going to shut down with sex in general because she probably feels so embarrassed.


Hopefully she'll embrace her sexuality, this will pass, H will hopefully be supportive and change to non confrontational discussions and this will pass. A learning moment for both of them.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I was going to suggest that @Busy Washing My Hair might be able to advise @High and dry about his wife's compulsion. Because there seem to be some similarities, she might advise how he could help his wife get control of her life again. The wife fully knows she has a compulsion she can't control that has appeared quite recently. She has told him more than once that she isn't happy with the situation.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I don’t think OP is disgusted by his wife or women in general masturbating. The masturbation itself doesn’t seem to be the main issue. It’s the very frequent and almost compulsive masturbation to porn. And now he also seems to feel horrible that he’s brought this up with her and she’s now feeling embarrassed and ashamed. I think he’s right that she’s going to shut down with sex in general because she probably feels so embarrassed.


I thought the OPwas still getting regular sex from her. I missed where she shut it down. That won’t help anyone. 😔


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I was going to suggest that @Busy Washing My Hair might be able to advise @High and dry about his wife's compulsion. Because there seem to be some similarities, she might advise how he could help his wife get control of her life again. The wife fully knows she has a compulsion she can't control that has appeared quite recently. She has told him more than once that she isn't happy with the situation.


I don’t think I’ve ever had a compulsive habit regarding watching porn. I don’t really like porn and I don’t use it when I masturbate. However, I did once go through a few months of daily masturbation. Don’t know what caused it but I just started doing it very frequently. Then for no real reason at all it just stopped and I went back to doing it just occasionally or whenever I felt like it but no longer felt the need every day. Maybe the same will happen to OP’s wife. Maybe she’s just going through something temporary.

I’m not sure what advice I can really give right now based on what we know. We really don’t know a whole lot about their marriage other than this issue and the miscarriages; although, I’ve seen OP talk very lovingly and highly of his wife in a few other threads. Their relationship sounds worlds apart from my marriage. Also saw a story about him being vomited on during oral sex though and sorry but I did laugh at that, sorry.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I see it differently. I’m too lazy to go back through the thread but I thought he said something about after confronting her when she was accidentally found out she cried and admitted to needing it to be turned on or something. Maybe I’m assuming though. I don’t get the impression that he decided to bring porn into their sex life just for fun. It seemed that she was struggling with being turned on during sex after od’ing on porn so as a possible solution he was trying to incorporate the porn stuff into their sex life to please her. But then it didn’t work.
> 
> I don’t think he’s getting the quality of sex he wants. Just because she’s there riding him doesn’t mean it’s quality sex. Also, she sometimes sneaks off to watch porn and masturbate multiple times a day. I’d probably be a bit concerned if I were him too. That’s a bit compulsive if you ask me. It doesn’t sound like his issue is that he’s not getting sex on demand. He actually sounds like a very caring and understanding husband, as much as he can be in this situation.


I’ve never heard of someone getting worse at sex from watching pornography, I thought men want women to watch to learn what they’re supposed to do and say and act like. That’s very strange.

The OP really seems like a nice guy. He tried to incorporate all this in for her, but it didn’t work. I think the only real fix is communication. He has to tell her no porn stuff and to focus on what he wants.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why do you think you need to tread so carefully with her vs addressing this directly and firmly?


This may be the only way to get what he wants. Tell her no more, at all, and mean it, then follow up. I guess parental controls on her phone are what you're suggesting, to keep her from seeing porn? I'm not sure how he will police her from masturbating, but I suppose he'll have to figure out a way. I wouldn't begin to know how to do that.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’ve never heard of someone getting worse at sex from watching pornography, I thought men want women to watch to learn what they’re supposed to do and say and act like. That’s very strange.


Most porn isn’t real. Even the amateurs are putting it in for the camera a bit or they at least have the camera angled so you as the viewer see things that cannot possibly be seen from that angle if you’re an actual participant. My wife now wants to be able to see the penis in the vagina and the ejaculation and she can’t get the same view when she’s actually participating, even with the assistance of mirrors.

I don’t want my wife to act like a woman in porn. I want her to act like my wife! She was not bad at sex before she started watching porn. She doesn’t need to watch anything to learn how to look, act, sound, or behave during sex. What she did before was exactly what I wanted, exactly what did it for me. She was authentically herself during sex before. I can admit that a few of the moves she’s wanted to try that she did see in porn have been fun and they are in the regular rotation now. I’m not at all against adding new things. It used to always be me encouraging trying new things so it’s nice to see her suggest something new. I don’t mind her suggesting things. It’s the fixation on some of this stuff that’s annoying.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This post was really repetitive and the question I asked was answered in another post so it wasn't necessary. 

Hopefully he's able to shut down her extra-curricular sexual activities and get her focused on only him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> It’s the fixation on some of this stuff that’s annoying.


I apologize if you've already answered this. Did you notice her being bad in bed before you saw her browser history? It's kind of a chicken and the egg thing, so I guess it really doesn't matter. I honestly have no idea how to stop her. I guess the only solution is to take her to church. They will convince her to stop.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I’m worried this could all backfire on me and she will shut down completely as far as sex with me goes. The past week, week and a half she’s been putting in more effort with sex and not requesting any crazy porn moves, visuals, etc. it was enjoyable again. Now after the conversation I tried to have with her last night I think she may feel so ashamed and embarrassed that she’ll avoid sex with me which is worse than what was happening before.


OH! I thought so. She's trying to do a good job in bed and isn't asking for porn stuff any more. Has she also stopped using porn and masturbating? It make take some time after she stops to re-learn how she's supposed to act. That's a bummer that you have to teach all that again, but it will pass and she will hopefully go back to doing what you want.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I apologize if you've already answered this. Did you notice her being bad in bed before you saw her browser history? It's kind of a chicken and the egg thing, so I guess it really doesn't matter. I honestly have no idea how to stop her. I guess the only solution is to take her to church. They will convince her to stop.


By bad in bed do you mean bad at sex on a technical level? If so, the answer is no. She’s never been “bad” at sex. She was very inexperienced when we got married but always very eager about sex. Open and honest communication has always been a big thing when it came to our sex life and it really benefited us over the years. We both learned how to please each other and for somebody who was a virgin when I met her, she’s technically got some of the best sex skills, in regards to pleasing me, that I’ve ever experienced. I hate to talk about her that way but to just paint a picture of what I think of my wife sexually, that’s it. I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted her very badly and that she would be worth both the torture of abstaining from sex until she’d finally marry me one day and that I’d never feel the need to have sex with any other woman but her ever again. I was right. So maybe it’s just that to me it was practically perfect, especially after we got through the first few years and she became more comfortable and confident sexually. She was a willing and happy participant too. It wasn’t as if she has been giving me boring duty sex for years and suddenly started watching porn and developed some skills. She regularly talked about how much she loved sex (privately with me only, she would never be the type to talk about sex with anyone she knows and she told me she doesn’t talk about it with even her closest friends). So now that it’s changed to this, maybe it does seem like a bigger problem to me than it would to an outsider looking in. The thing is, she doesn’t seem happy with this change either.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> By bad in bed do you mean bad at sex on a technical level? If so, the answer is no. She’s never been “bad” at sex. She was very inexperienced when we got married but always very eager about sex. Open and honest communication has always been a big thing when it came to our sex life and it really benefited us over the years. We both learned how to please each other and for somebody who was a virgin when I met her, she’s technically got some of the best sex skills, in regards to pleasing me, that I’ve ever experienced. I hate to talk about her that way but to just paint a picture of what I think of my wife sexually, that’s it. I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted her very badly and that she would be worth both the torture of abstaining from sex until she’d finally marry me one day and that I’d never feel the need to have sex with any other woman but her ever again. I was right. So maybe it’s just that to me it was practically perfect, especially after we got through the first few years and she became more comfortable and confident sexually. She was a willing and happy participant too. It wasn’t as if she has been giving me boring duty sex for years and suddenly started watching porn and developed some skills. She regularly talked about how much she loved sex (privately with me only, she would never be the type to talk about sex with anyone she knows and she told me she doesn’t talk about it with even her closest friends). So now that it’s changed to this, maybe it does seem like a bigger problem to me than it would to an outsider looking in. The thing is, she doesn’t seem happy with this change either.


I see. Several people mentioned the sex was no good any more, so I wondered if her technique changed. I know you said she wouldn't go to therapy, but honestly, a therapist is going to encourage her in a direction I don't believe you want her to go so that is probably for the best. Other posters have suggestions for how to lock this down, I honestly don't, I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm shocked by what I've learned on this thread, I will definitely change some things in my own situation. You seem like a really patient person who doesn't want her to feel bad about her failures, I bet that with time and no more extracurricular stuff she will return to what she was before. It would help her if you were very candid about what you expect her to do and say. After a while it will become habit for her again.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I don’t think I’ve ever had a compulsive habit regarding watching porn. I don’t really like porn and I don’t use it when I masturbate. However, I did once go through a few months of daily masturbation. Don’t know what caused it but I just started doing it very frequently. Then for no real reason at all it just stopped and I went back to doing it just occasionally or whenever I felt like it but no longer felt the need every day. Maybe the same will happen to OP’s wife. Maybe she’s just going through something temporary.
> 
> I’m not sure what advice I can really give right now based on what we know. We really don’t know a whole lot about their marriage other than this issue and the miscarriages; although, I’ve seen OP talk very lovingly and highly of his wife in a few other threads. Their relationship sounds worlds apart from my marriage. Also saw a story about him being vomited on during oral sex though and sorry but I did laugh at that, sorry.


I am hoping this is a temporary fixation for my wife.

As to the rest of our marriage, I obviously can’t give a full detailed history here, but I think it’s very good. I’m happy and I think despite the porn she’s happy with our overall marriage too. She hasn’t changed in any other way. Everything else between us is as it’s always been. We get along great, have shared hobbies, love spending time together and with our kids, laugh all the time. i never really looked at the miscarriages as something that has hurt our relationship. I’m not a perfect husband but I make every effort to be the best husband and father that I can. My family is always #1 on my mind.

Also, it wasn’t my wife who vomited on me. That was somebody else before marriage. My wife gives the most perfect blowjobs and the best I’ve ever experienced and I’m not just saying that. She’s practically erased the vomit episode completely from my memory.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I see. Several people mentioned the sex was no good any more, so I wondered if her technique changed. I know you said she wouldn't go to therapy, but honestly, a therapist is going to encourage her in a direction I don't believe you want her to go so that is probably for the best. Other posters have suggestions for how to lock this down, I honestly don't, I wouldn't know where to begin. I'm shocked by what I've learned on this thread, I will definitely change some things in my own situation. You seem like a really patient person who doesn't want her to feel bad about her failures, I bet that with time and no more extracurricular stuff she will return to what she was before. It would help her if you were very candid about what you expect her to do and say. After a while it will become habit for her again.


The sex now is different. She doesn’t orgasm as easily and she often seems distracted, as if she’s thinking about her porn videos during it or wishing she had the visuals that she gets from porn. The emotional, intimate connection between us frequently feels like it’s not even there. That part is very important to me. She’s even admitted that much to me so I know that’s not a matter of me imagining that. I don’t think she fully understands what it is about the porn that seems to have such a hold over her lately. I think she is trying and recently she has seemed more engaged with just the two of us during sex. I have been putting in extra effort on my end to really try to make sure she has a good time and doesn’t have to rely on her porn mind movies to get there.

I can’t imagine what has been so shocking for you in this thread though. Would you mind sharing?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> The sex now is different. She doesn’t orgasm as easily and she often seems distracted, as if she’s thinking about her porn videos during it or wishing she had the visuals that she gets from porn. The emotional, intimate connection between us frequently feels like it’s not even there. That part is very important to me. She’s even admitted that much to me so I know that’s not a matter of me imagining that.* I don’t think she fully understands what it is about the porn that seems to have such a hold over her lately.* I think she is trying and recently she has seemed more engaged with just the two of us during sex. I have been putting in extra effort on my end to really try to make sure she has a good time and doesn’t have to rely on her porn mind movies to get there.
> 
> I can’t imagine what has been so shocking for you in this thread though. Would you mind sharing?


That's tough, because it's so hard to fix when the person having the problem doesn't know it's a problem. But it does sound like she realizes that the porn and masturbation must stop, she's just struggling with it. I get it, it's hard sometimes to give up things that temporarily make you feel good. If she's ashamed all the time, it's not worth that short high. She's going to have to have the discipline to focus only on you during sex and not be distracted. It's good that she's trying to do better and make it satisfying for you. It may just take time. She will have to stop everything else entirely and come back to understanding that it is all about you. I know there are studies about what porn does to someone's brain, I think it's like a drug that you can't shake. She probably had a natural sexual awakening that she let get out of hand, it can be reigned in, but she's going to have to work on it.

I have been doing some things in bed that I learned I shouldn't have and now I'm REALLY embarrassed. So for that I am grateful, thank you.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That's tough, because it's so hard to fix when the person having the problem doesn't know it's a problem. But it does sound like she realizes that the porn and masturbation must stop, she's just struggling with it. I get it, it's hard sometimes to give up things that temporarily make you feel good. If she's ashamed all the time, it's not worth that short high. She's going to have to have the discipline to focus only on you during sex and not be distracted. It's good that she's trying to do better and make it satisfying for you. It may just take time. She will have to stop everything else entirely and come back to understanding that it is all about you. I know there are studies about what porn does to someone's brain, I think it's like a drug that you can't shake. She probably had a natural sexual awakening that she let get out of hand, it can be reigned in, but she's going to have to work on it.
> 
> I have been doing some things in bed that I learned I shouldn't have and now I'm REALLY embarrassed. So for that I am grateful, thank you.


I’m sorry if something I said made you feel embarrassed.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I’m sorry if something I said made you feel embarrassed.


It’s not that and you have nothing to be sorry for. You let me know something I didn’t, you helped me, so please please don’t feel bad. I’m glad I can stop before it got so bad he had to say something. The last thing I would want is to make things worse for my husband.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

This weekend has been…something. She’s definitely not quit the porn and/or masturbation. she’s rejected sex with me for several days. That’s fine. But then when we got in bed last night she made a remark out loud to herself “ouch, I’m in so much pain from too many orgasms!” I asked her what she was talking about. What orgasms and when? They weren’t with me. She tried to backtrack and say “oh I was just joking and making fun of my problems.” Yeah right. Why would she even say something like that? At around 2:30 am I woke to find her watching porn and masturbating in bed next to me. I didn’t say anything, just took a pillow and blanket and went to go sleep on the couch. She followed me out, said she was sorry and that one of our dogs woke her up and she couldn’t get back to sleep so she had resorted to masturbating to try to relax and fall back asleep. I’m pissed. Now today it’s Sunday and she took a shower in the middle of the afternoon which is so unlike her. I’m sure she was masturbating then too. Seeing as how she was gone for 45 minutes she wasn’t just showering. She had told the kids she’d make them lunch in 15 minutes after she took a quick shower. There they were sitting and waiting for mom for 45 minutes while she no doubt was in the bathroom masturbating at 12:30 pm! I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone right now.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> This weekend has been…something. She’s definitely not quit the porn and/or masturbation. she’s rejected sex with me for several days. That’s fine. But then when we got in bed last night she made a remark out loud to herself “ouch, I’m in so much pain from too many orgasms!” I asked her what she was talking about. What orgasms and when? They weren’t with me. She tried to backtrack and say “oh I was just joking and making fun of my problems.” Yeah right. Why would she even say something like that? At around 2:30 am I woke to find her watching porn and masturbating in bed next to me. I didn’t say anything, just took a pillow and blanket and went to go sleep on the couch. She followed me out, said she was sorry and that one of our dogs woke her up and she couldn’t get back to sleep so she had resorted to masturbating to try to relax and fall back asleep. I’m pissed. Now today it’s Sunday and she took a shower in the middle of the afternoon which is so unlike her. I’m sure she was masturbating then too. Seeing as how she was gone for 45 minutes she wasn’t just showering. She had told the kids she’d make them lunch in 15 minutes after she took a quick shower. There they were sitting and waiting for mom for 45 minutes while she no doubt was in the bathroom masturbating at 12:30 pm! I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone right now.


The women on here claiming that your wife has no problem and to leave her alone, reading this latest ought to change their mind. How many times in a day is she masturbating to porn now? How many hours out of the day. No sex with you but going solo so much she hurts from the orgasms ( and so kind as to tell you same ). Passive/aggressive much?

If the roles were reversed and it was you whacking off every hour day and night while denying your wife for days you would be getting 2x4s in quantity from the women on here. 

Yes, you are in the twilight zone. Wish knew what to advise but don't. Your wife is right on the edge of being just plain nuts. Surely hope the kids don't interrupt her with her gymnastics. H3ll they may already know what she is up to.

Only you can decide how much of her crap you are willing to put up with. She doesn't want to help herself or talk to anyone about getting help. It is like being married to a heroin addict. All they care about at the end is getting another hit. They will lie and steal from family just to get one more hit.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> The women on here claiming that your wife has no problem and to leave her alone, reading this latest ought to change their mind. How many times in a day is she masturbating to porn now? How many hours out of the day. No sex with you but going solo so much she hurts from the orgasms ( and so kind as to tell you same ). Passive/aggressive much?
> 
> If the roles were reversed and it was you whacking off every hour day and night while denying your wife for days you would be getting 2x4s in quantity from the women on here.
> 
> ...


I believe she’s doing it on average 1-3 times a day, sometimes maybe even more than that if I’m gone all day and she’s at home.

I’m at a loss about what to do right now. I didn’t want to try to enforce “no porn” because it made me feel like a controlling husband but I’m about to have to put that out there. I just don’t think it’ll make a difference and she’ll still watch it. Porn blockers? She can probably find a way around that. Plus, I shouldn’t have to be monitoring my wife like I’m her parent making sure she’s not getting up to inappropriate things on the internet. I really just don’t know.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I believe she’s doing it on average 1-3 times a day, sometimes maybe even more than that if I’m gone all day and she’s at home.
> 
> I’m at a loss about what to do right now. I didn’t want to try to enforce “no porn” because it made me feel like a controlling husband but I’m about to have to put that out there. I just don’t think it’ll make a difference and she’ll still watch it. Porn blockers? She can probably find a way around that. Plus, I shouldn’t have to be monitoring my wife like I’m her parent making sure she’s not getting up to inappropriate things on the internet. I really just don’t know.


Forget being a policeman. Yes, she can defeat whatever you do. She can get in the car and go park somewhere and masturbate to porn all day until the cops arrest her. She needs a* major* intervention. Isn't it obvious she has a disorder of some sort? She herself knows it but can't help herself. This can spiral way out of control, from what she is doing now to getting with random men on the street to feed her addiction.

How many weeks/months has it taken to go from zero porn to where she is now?

I suggest you start logging everything that has been going on, in a paper notebook. Go back to when this whole thing with porn first started. There is an organization for spouses of sex addicts ( which your wife clearly is becoming if not there already ). Look it up online and ask people there who are dealing with your issues what they suggest.

Last question. Is there anyone in her life that she respects enough to listen to what they say about this. I know in your shoes, I would be sorely tempter to tell her mother what has been going on and ask her help. Are you on good terms with her?


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

She orgasmed so much that she was in pain? In her ovaries? That used to happen to me when I masturbated a lot.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

High and dry said:


> This weekend has been…something. She’s definitely not quit the porn and/or masturbation. she’s rejected sex with me for several days. That’s fine. But then when we got in bed last night she made a remark out loud to herself “ouch, I’m in so much pain from too many orgasms!” I asked her what she was talking about. What orgasms and when? They weren’t with me. She tried to backtrack and say “oh I was just joking and making fun of my problems.” Yeah right. Why would she even say something like that? At around 2:30 am I woke to find her watching porn and masturbating in bed next to me. I didn’t say anything, just took a pillow and blanket and went to go sleep on the couch. She followed me out, said she was sorry and that one of our dogs woke her up and she couldn’t get back to sleep so she had resorted to masturbating to try to relax and fall back asleep. I’m pissed. Now today it’s Sunday and she took a shower in the middle of the afternoon which is so unlike her. I’m sure she was masturbating then too. Seeing as how she was gone for 45 minutes she wasn’t just showering. She had told the kids she’d make them lunch in 15 minutes after she took a quick shower. There they were sitting and waiting for mom for 45 minutes while she no doubt was in the bathroom masturbating at 12:30 pm! I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone right now.


She needs professional help. Period. Its now an addiction, not just masturbation.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It appears that she meets the criteria for addiction. 





Harvard Health


Overview of addiction




www.health.harvard.edu





Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> I believe she’s doing it on average 1-3 times a day, sometimes maybe even more than that if I’m gone all day and she’s at home.
> 
> I’m at a loss about what to do right now. I didn’t want to try to enforce “no porn” because it made me feel like a controlling husband but I’m about to have to put that out there. I just don’t think it’ll make a difference and she’ll still watch it. Porn blockers? She can probably find a way around that. Plus, I shouldn’t have to be monitoring my wife like I’m her parent making sure she’s not getting up to inappropriate things on the internet. I really just don’t know.


I hear you, and agree the situation sounds troublesome and corrective attention may helpa13 so what I'm about to point out isn't about saying there are no problems....

That said, your statement of 1-3 times a day implies 1-3 times a day is abnormal for every situation. That on it's own is subjective.
If she masturbates once a day that isn't a problem is it?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I believe she’s doing it on average 1-3 times a day, sometimes maybe even more than that if I’m gone all day and she’s at home.
> 
> I’m at a loss about what to do right now. I didn’t want to try to enforce “no porn” because it made me feel like a controlling husband but I’m about to have to put that out there. I just don’t think it’ll make a difference and she’ll still watch it. Porn blockers? She can probably find a way around that. Plus, I shouldn’t have to be monitoring my wife like I’m her parent making sure she’s not getting up to inappropriate things on the internet. I really just don’t know.


Your wife is seriously eff'ed up right now. I've been saying this a while now. You MUST take a hard line on this. In essence your wife is cheating on you. I see this as not that much different other than she is basically doing it in plain sight in front of you. Now she is even neglecting your children. How much more do you need to wake up?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I hear you, and agree the situation sounds troublesome and corrective attention may helpa13 so what I'm about to point out isn't about saying there are no problems....
> 
> That said, your statement of 1-3 times a day implies 1-3 times a day is abnormal for every situation. That on it's own is subjective.
> If she masturbates once a day that isn't a problem is it?


In this case I think ANY amount of masturbating WITH porn is a problem. His wife has a serious issue. Masturbating until she is sore, waking in the middle of the night for a quick one and leaving the kids hang while she gets off are all major problems individually and she has them all covered. 

Also have to consider that this is brand new behavior. basically no masturbation to once a day is even odd, but 3x a day? She has real issues going on here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In this case I think ANY amount of masturbating WITH porn is a problem. His wife has a serious issue. Masturbating until she is sore, waking in the middle of the night for a quick one and leaving the kids hang while she gets off are all major problems individually and she has them all covered.
> 
> Also have to consider that this is brand new behavior. basically no masturbation to once a day is even odd, but 3x a day? She has real issues going on here.


I missed the until was sore part. Oh well, just a thought I was having. So once a day only for her is a rarity I guess.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Brings the term "Beat it like it owes you money" to a new meaning.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I
She is not only hurting the marriage and relationship but is now causing herself physical pain and injury.

At what point are you going to take action here?

How much worse does this need to get?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is likely not a “porn addiction” or sex addiction problem.

This is probably a potentially serious psychological problem that is manifesting through compulsive masturbating. 

The masturbation is the outward sign but not the disease.

As this seems to be escalating quickly it may be a matter of time before she sitting in the corner carving her arm with knife while rubbing poop in her hair or putting the cat into the microwave or God forbid doing something to the kids.

This isn’t a horny wife issue.

It’s a potentially destructive mental health disorder that needs intervention immediately before something far far worse than a sore jay jay happens!!!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You may be right, @oldshirt, that this may indicate some sort of mental problem. It has become an obsession rather quickly. It seems out of character, from her husband's description. It's very odd.

[Edited for clarity]

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This is likely not a “porn addiction” or sex addiction problem.
> 
> This is probably a potentially serious psychological problem that is manifesting through compulsive masturbating.
> 
> ...


This sounds like a pretty extreme conclusion. I’ve obviously never met this woman but cutting her arms? Smearing poop? Harming her children? Do you seriously think that’s where this is headed?

I agree 3 times a day sounds excessive, especially if it’s really come out of nowhere. Have we considered that the husband maybe just not be aware of some sort of base level routine masturbation on his wife’s part that predates the past few months? Maybe this isn’t exactly out of the blue. I know he also says she orgasms during sex most of the time but what if that’s not actually true? What if she doesn’t orgasm from sex and has just faking it really well for years. She watched porn and started masturbating and realized how good an actual orgasm feels and now she’s hooked? While needing to watch porn multiple times a day (and it does sound like she needs to at this point) is unusual and probably not healthy, my unprofessional opinion is that it probably doesn’t mean that she’s on the verge of some sort of psychotic breakdown.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

High and dry said:


> I can’t imagine telling her that I’m taking her to speak with a professional will go over very well at all.


So through all of this, you’re still worried about how your reactions / potential actions will go over with her…
Maybe she needs to start being more worried about how this whole situation is going over with you…


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> This sounds like a pretty extreme conclusion. I’ve obviously never met this woman but cutting her arms? Smearing poop? Harming her children? Do you seriously think that’s where this is headed?
> 
> I agree 3 times a day sounds excessive, especially if it’s really come out of nowhere. Have we considered that the husband maybe just not be aware of some sort of base level routine masturbation on his wife’s part that predates the past few months? Maybe this isn’t exactly out of the blue. I know he also says she orgasms during sex most of the time but what if that’s not actually true? What if she doesn’t orgasm from sex and has just faking it really well for years. She watched porn and started masturbating and realized how good an actual orgasm feels and now she’s hooked? While needing to watch porn multiple times a day (and it does sound like she needs to at this point) is unusual and probably not healthy, my unprofessional opinion is that it probably doesn’t mean that she’s on the verge of some sort of psychotic breakdown.


Whether she is or is not on the verge of a psychotic breakdown is up to a mental health professional to determine. 

Any abrupt change in behavior and personality should be assessed by a professional. 

I’m not saying she will start doing those things mentioned above. 

I’m saying she might. 

This may not be about being horny and watching porn and spanking all the time. 

It may be about some other mental or hormonal event taking place that is outwardly manifesting itself as compulsive masturbation.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> It’s a potentially destructive mental health disorder that needs intervention immediately before something far far worse than a sore jay jay happens!!!!


That is the key. Masturbation being symptom of deeper issues. IMO the multiple miscarriages weren't processed ( if that is even feasible ).


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

I’ve done something I’m not proud of.

My wife works from home 3 days a week. She was working from home today and had an end of the day virtual meeting at 5 pm. I was home at around 4. I started dinner right away because I knew she was busy and had this meeting at 5 and wanted her to be able to eat something really quickly beforehand. So at about 4:35 I yelled to her that dinner was ready. She said “ok, well I’ll be there in a bit.” I figured she was just in the middle of an email or something and she’d come down and grab food. It got to be about 4:45 and she hadn’t appeared so I decided I’d take the food to her. She was masturbating with a dildo. I was so enraged. I yelled at her. I told her this has to stop and she’s acting like a crack addict and that I will not tolerate this. I grabbed her phone and threw it against the wall. I couldn’t believe I did that. It’s not in my character. She was crying and then rushing around to try to clean her makeup up at the last minute to get online in time for this meeting. Yes, I’ve had enough of this and it’s crossed the line but I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve not spoken to her for the rest of the night. I can’t speak to her right now or I’ll probably regret what I’ll say. It’s not simply about me not getting sex. This behavior is absurd.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

High and dry said:


> Not at this moment. She became very defensive over the idea of talking to anybody about ANYTHING that might be going on with her. I tried asking her if she thought this was all caused by the porn or if she feels like her sex drive is suddenly going 200 mph and the porn use is a result of that. Because if she feels an unusually high sex drive maybe there really could be something hormonal going on. She said she didn’t know, she felt confused, she didn’t like the way she felt, and then she started crying and could tell she was getting really frustrated shutting down. I’m regretting even bringing it up now. She’s been quiet ever since the conversation last night and I think she’s avoiding me now.


Walking on eggshells around your wife, tiptoeing around her destructive behaviors and being too afraid to assert yourself and your standards / needs in your marriage sounds like a terrible way to live. 
There’s something very pathological going on within your marriage dynamic, and it’s not just some sudden porn addiction.
Stop being so timid and passive and start taking stock of what you want out of your marriage and start acting accordingly.

You’re allowed to have standards and expectations of your wife. You can do it tactfully and lovingly, but you need to make sure she understands what you expect of your marriage and of her, and ACT accordingly. 

Once you’ve established what you expect in your marriage, SHE needs to decide if she’s willing/able to meet those expectations. If she is, then be solution oriented and team oriented, but she needs to be a full and willing participant. 
If she can’t or won’t be the sexual/romantic partner you need, then you need to have enough strength, self-respect and dignity to start moving forward without her.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

@High and dry You’re right. Her behavior does sound absolutely absurd. I get not being proud that you threw her phone (and broke it, I’m assuming). It wasn’t the right thing to do but we are all human and you reacted emotionally and you know it was wrong. Your emotions over catching her yet again? Not wrong in my opinion. I’m sorry for you. I can’t begin to understand what’s going on with her though. I think you need to look up some resources online about porn addiction so that you can be more informed about what might be happening and how to help her. I think you need to have a serious discussion with the kids completely out of the house so you can discuss it without her running away or making excuses as to why she can’t talk about it right now. I get that you don’t want to be a controlling husband but enough is enough. I don’t really think it would be wrong to tell her this has to stop. You can’t control her and trying to do so will just drive you nuts. Focus on your own boundaries surrounding her porn use - take time to really think about it before discussing with her, then share those boundaries with her. Explain how it makes you feel when instead of having sex with you several days in a row you find her awake in the middle of the night masturbating to porn while next to you in bed. Explain why you are so concerned. Start a journal about all of it too or record it in the notes app on your phone, that way she can’t say you’re just exaggerating. Make more of times and dates, when she has sex with you, when you catch her masturbating to porn, what things in her life she seems to be neglecting to get a porn session in.

I’m wondering how she makes it through a day at work when she’s not working at home without being able to masturbate based on these last previous posts from you. That isn’t normal if you ask me.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

High and dry said:


> I’ve done something I’m not proud of.
> 
> My wife works from home 3 days a week. She was working from home today and had an end of the day virtual meeting at 5 pm. I was home at around 4. I started dinner right away because I knew she was busy and had this meeting at 5 and wanted her to be able to eat something really quickly beforehand. So at about 4:35 I yelled to her that dinner was ready. She said “ok, well I’ll be there in a bit.” I figured she was just in the middle of an email or something and she’d come down and grab food. It got to be about 4:45 and she hadn’t appeared so I decided I’d take the food to her. She was masturbating with a dildo. I was so enraged. I yelled at her. I told her this has to stop and she’s acting like a crack addict and that I will not tolerate this. I grabbed her phone and threw it against the wall. I couldn’t believe I did that. It’s not in my character. She was crying and then rushing around to try to clean her makeup up at the last minute to get online in time for this meeting. Yes, I’ve had enough of this and it’s crossed the line but I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve not spoken to her for the rest of the night. I can’t speak to her right now or I’ll probably regret what I’ll say. It’s not simply about me not getting sex. This behavior is absurd.


Good. It’s about time.

While it’s generally not advisable to have such outbursts, you’ve allowed yourself to be pushed to the breaking point and you snapped. While tantrums and outbursts indicate a lack of strength and control, it’s good that she experienced that from you .

That being said, now you need to remain emotionally non-reactive and not have any more tantrums.
But you do need to start taking action. Less talking, more demonstrating what you will and won’t tolerate in your marriage. 
She is not holding up her end as a wife, and you need to start removing your time and attention as a husband. Actions have consequences.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> Yes, I’ve had enough of this and it’s crossed the line but I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve not spoken to her for the rest of the night. I can’t speak to her right now or I’ll probably regret what I’ll say. It’s not simply about me not getting sex. This behavior is absurd.


It is common to become extremely frustrated trying to deal with a mentally ill person. You have no professional training dealing with a person who has mental issues. Clearly your wife has them in spades. Masturbation and porn have become 100% of her day and night to the exclusion of everything else. Sex with you, taking care of the kids, eating, working, everything takes second place to masturbating to porn. So she is EXACTLY like a crack addict. She is looking for the next hit ( orgasm ) as soon as the present one is finished. You said 1-3 times/day, it sounds like she is masturbating continuously. What would people be writing on here if the roles were reversed and your wife were asking advice about you doing nothing but whacking off 24x7?

You need some help from somewhere. You aren't equipped to deal with a crack addict. I can only imagine trying to work while wondering what she is doing when she should be taking care of the kids. You mentioned cooking the meals. So are you tasked with working and taking care of everything at home as well while all she does is masturbate and watch porn? How is your relationship with her mother? Could she be of help finding psychological help for her daughter?

What a mess, that you had nothing to do with creating. So much for porn being "harmless".


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

There is a group called S-anon online that is for the loved ones of Sex addicts. I would see if there are any resource links or advice there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

High and dry said:


> I’ve done something I’m not proud of.
> 
> My wife works from home 3 days a week. She was working from home today and had an end of the day virtual meeting at 5 pm. I was home at around 4. I started dinner right away because I knew she was busy and had this meeting at 5 and wanted her to be able to eat something really quickly beforehand. So at about 4:35 I yelled to her that dinner was ready. She said “ok, well I’ll be there in a bit.” I figured she was just in the middle of an email or something and she’d come down and grab food. It got to be about 4:45 and she hadn’t appeared so I decided I’d take the food to her. She was masturbating with a dildo. I was so enraged. I yelled at her. I told her this has to stop and she’s acting like a crack addict and that I will not tolerate this. I grabbed her phone and threw it against the wall. I couldn’t believe I did that. It’s not in my character. She was crying and then rushing around to try to clean her makeup up at the last minute to get online in time for this meeting. Yes, I’ve had enough of this and it’s crossed the line but I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve not spoken to her for the rest of the night. I can’t speak to her right now or I’ll probably regret what I’ll say. It’s not simply about me not getting sex. This behavior is absurd.


You were in the right. DO GET ANGRY. Anger is a legitimate emotion when people are doing harmful and inappropriate things. Anger is beneficial if it is channeled into taking corrective actions. 

You can’t be destructive or abusive of course, but her behavior is out of control and needs to be addressed and she needs professional assessment and intervention.

If it takes having a little hissy fit to get you both to wake up and take action, then so be it.

You’re in the right here. Don’t apologize. Don’t back down. 

Get her to professional help before something truly bad happens.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> There is a group called S-anon online that is for the loved ones of Sex addicts. I would see if there are any resource links or advice there.


I’m concerned this is a larger mental health issue. 

She needs to be evaluated by a bona fide mental health provider.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You said that you're not proud of throwing her phone, but honestly, I would have probably reacted the same way. I believe asserting yourself in that situation is necessary. If I woke up in your shoes, I would tell her to either get professional help or I would be leaving.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@High and dry Look up what Mayo Clinic says about Female Hypersexuality. And get your wife to read it as well. Causes can be physical as well as mental.

"No matter what it's called or the exact nature of the behavior, untreated compulsive sexual behavior can damage your self-esteem, relationships, career, health and other people. But with treatment and self-help, you can learn to manage compulsive sexual behavior"

*"Conditions that affect the brain.* Certain diseases or health problems, such as epilepsy and dementia, may cause damage to parts of the brain that affect sexual behavior."

She *must* see a medical professional for physical workup and psychological workup in that order. I know it is incredibly difficult to get a person help who doesn't want it. We had a relative who had to commit involuntarily because they were behaving in bizarre fashion and threatening suicide. They wouldn't submit voluntarily to treatment. On a positive note they live a normal life now with medication.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I’ve done something I’m not proud of.
> 
> My wife works from home 3 days a week. She was working from home today and had an end of the day virtual meeting at 5 pm. I was home at around 4. I started dinner right away because I knew she was busy and had this meeting at 5 and wanted her to be able to eat something really quickly beforehand. So at about 4:35 I yelled to her that dinner was ready. She said “ok, well I’ll be there in a bit.” I figured she was just in the middle of an email or something and she’d come down and grab food. It got to be about 4:45 and she hadn’t appeared so I decided I’d take the food to her. She was masturbating with a dildo. I was so enraged. I yelled at her. I told her this has to stop and she’s acting like a crack addict and that I will not tolerate this. I grabbed her phone and threw it against the wall. I couldn’t believe I did that. It’s not in my character. She was crying and then rushing around to try to clean her makeup up at the last minute to get online in time for this meeting. Yes, I’ve had enough of this and it’s crossed the line but I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve not spoken to her for the rest of the night. I can’t speak to her right now or I’ll probably regret what I’ll say. It’s not simply about me not getting sex. This behavior is absurd.


Its about damn time. Even though outbursts like that can be wrong I feel sometimes they are 100% justified and needed. In this case your response was right on as far as I'm concerned. Her behavior has been so over the top and you have been patient almost beyond my comprehension. She needs a serious wakeup call.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

There are drugs that can cause hypersexualuty. SSRIs, other antidepressants. Is she taking antidepressants for the miscarriages?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Its about damn time. Even though outbursts like that can be wrong I feel sometimes they are 100% justified and needed. In this case your response was right on as far as I'm concerned. Her behavior has been so over the top and you have been patient almost beyond my comprehension. She needs a serious wakeup call.


How and why did your W go from no sex no masturbation to 90 miles an hour masturbation? It seems like 0 to 100 in 1 second flat.
These are questions I know you're working on.

My question is how many days did it take from zero sex interest to 1 to 3 times a day masturbation with a dildo?

Narrow the window perhaps narrow the basis for the change.

Is some of this exaggeration?

Once a day some consider normal.
Some women I've read three times a day on some days isn't really an issue for them. 

Is it more 5 to 6 or 1 to 3?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

You reacted as many of us would have in your situation. I was looking up about this and many start masterbating while driving, every chance they can get at work, in public toilets, in public places. I hope you can get your wife to see a professional before she ends up on the news for masterbating in public on a park bench.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

She may already be spending majority of her time at work in ladys room stall or in her office with door locked. Being home three days to “work” was an opportunity


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> It is common to become extremely frustrated trying to deal with a mentally ill person. You have no professional training dealing with a person who has mental issues. Clearly your wife has them in spades. Masturbation and porn have become 100% of her day and night to the exclusion of everything else. Sex with you, taking care of the kids, eating, working, everything takes second place to masturbating to porn. So she is EXACTLY like a crack addict. She is looking for the next hit ( orgasm ) as soon as the present one is finished. You said 1-3 times/day, it sounds like she is masturbating continuously. What would people be writing on here if the roles were reversed and your wife were asking advice about you doing nothing but whacking off 24x7?
> 
> You need some help from somewhere. You aren't equipped to deal with a crack addict. I can only imagine trying to work while wondering what she is doing when she should be taking care of the kids. You mentioned cooking the meals. So are you tasked with working and taking care of everything at home as well while all she does is masturbate and watch porn? How is your relationship with her mother? Could she be of help finding psychological help for her daughter?
> 
> What a mess, that you had nothing to do with creating. So much for porn being "harmless".


Exactly like a crack addict is a bit unrealistic. Have you known crack addicts? Opioid addicts? 
That sh!! is way beyond masturbation problems. 

Gotta throw some reality out there.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Exactly like a crack addict is a bit unrealistic. Have you known crack addicts? Opioid addicts?
> That sh!! is way beyond masturbation problems.
> 
> Gotta throw some reality out there.


Yes unfortunately I have. At close range. They cant help themselves, they are slaves. And OPs wife is a slave to her addiction as well


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Yes unfortunately I have. At close range. They cant help themselves, they are slaves. And OPs wife is a slave to her addiction as well


I dig you but the comparison is different. She'll not have the same pure physical hardships like heroin, crack, opioids slamming her body and mental state on top of just realizing she needs to make some life changes.
The addictions are hugely different in 99% of effects on a persons life.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I hope she washes her hands a lot. 

This is why I don’t touch public door handles, etc.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

High and dry said:


> I’ve done something I’m not proud of.
> 
> My wife works from home 3 days a week. She was working from home today and had an end of the day virtual meeting at 5 pm. I was home at around 4. I started dinner right away because I knew she was busy and had this meeting at 5 and wanted her to be able to eat something really quickly beforehand. So at about 4:35 I yelled to her that dinner was ready. She said “ok, well I’ll be there in a bit.” I figured she was just in the middle of an email or something and she’d come down and grab food. It got to be about 4:45 and she hadn’t appeared so I decided I’d take the food to her. She was masturbating with a dildo. I was so enraged. I yelled at her. I told her this has to stop and she’s acting like a crack addict and that I will not tolerate this. I grabbed her phone and threw it against the wall. I couldn’t believe I did that. It’s not in my character. She was crying and then rushing around to try to clean her makeup up at the last minute to get online in time for this meeting. Yes, I’ve had enough of this and it’s crossed the line but I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve not spoken to her for the rest of the night. I can’t speak to her right now or I’ll probably regret what I’ll say. It’s not simply about me not getting sex. This behavior is absurd.


How big was the dildo? Is it something she wants to bring into your love making sessions, have you encouraged her to bring toys into couples sex play?

Something is awry in the M and it's not the sudden masturbation problem. Something else is going on in the relationship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@High and dry , any improvement in your situation?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Yes unfortunately I have. At close range. They cant help themselves, they are slaves. And OPs wife is a slave to her addiction as well


Not the same thing by a far, far margin.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @High and dry , any improvement in your situation?


I took a break from posting here because although all advice was good intentioned, nothing seemed to help and then I started to feel guilty talking about the wife’s masturbation and porn habit with a bunch of strangers online.

Just saw a notification pop up in my inbox. Thanks for checking in on us. I posted on a porn and masturbation addiction forum for about a day to see if they had any useful advice but that didn’t help either. She has to admit that it’s a problem and she wants to stop. They encouraged me to get her to sign up for the site where they have a womens only section. She wasn’t having that either.

It’s gotten a little better but she’s still watching porn. We watched porn together in bed the other day and it was actually enjoyable for both of us and she remained engaged with me at the same time. For the most part the porn viewing and positions are not part of our sex life together. We have had some really good encounters where she is engaged, she enjoys herself, I enjoy myself, but then she tells me that was great and by the way it was my 3rd orgasm today. By 2 in the afternoon you’ve had sex with me and masturbating twice earlier? She seems to be hiding it better and taking much shorter to do it. No longer is she taking 45 minute showers in the middle of the day but I have a feeling any time I take a shower or am very obviously occupied with something else she may be doing it.

We’re in the two week wait period regarding testing for possibly pregnancy. She said she wanted to start to talk about trying again in October or November. We recently had sex right after her period ended but according to her cervical mucous and temperature charting the next day all signs point to very early ovulation. We are not trying to get pregnant now and I was shocked when she said she was considering getting Plan B. She ultimately decided against it and now we wait.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How big was the dildo? Is it something she wants to bring into your love making sessions, have you encouraged her to bring toys into couples sex play?
> 
> Something is awry in the M and it's not the sudden masturbation problem. Something else is going on in the relationship.


This new one she was using was large and looked just like a porn star penis. It’s like she googled “porn star dildo” and clicked buy. She bought that on her own and didn’t mention it to me. We’ve used all sorts of toys, including dildos and vibrators, for years. She recently showed me two new toys she wants to buy, including a suctioning toy that simulates the tongue and oral sex and a pulsating squirting vibrating dildo. I think she was hoping I’d buy them for her when she showed me. I used to get excited when she’d show me something new she wanted to try and I would buy it, but I didn’t feel that way when’s he showed me her latest finds.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> I posted on a porn and masturbation addiction forum for about a day to see if they had any useful advice but that didn’t help either. She has to admit that it’s a problem and she wants to stop.


Yes. If an addict doesn’t want or think they need help, no one else can make them. Thought maybe your not posting was a good sign, guess not.

But what about the sites aimed at helping the loved ones of an addict. The annon type sites. You still need some support dealing with her behavior.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Yes. If an addict doesn’t want or think they need help, no one else can make them. Thought maybe your not posting was a good sign, guess not.
> 
> But what about the sites aimed at helping the loved ones of an addict. The annon type sites. You still need some support dealing with her behavior.


I needed a break from focusing on it. I was becoming a not so nice person to be around. I found myself trying to catch her in the act, and for what? I had to go away on a 2 night trip for work and the entire time all I could think about was if she’d racked her sessions up into the double digits each day while I was away. I think she was happy that I was gone so she could masturbate in peace without feeling guilty about it or worrying is walk in on her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

And you are trying to add another child to this mix??? Why....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> And you are trying to add another child to this mix??? Why....


THANK YOU. I was so over this whole drama, but seriously? The marriage is in crisis and the answer is to add another human being to it? Babies aren't band-aids. They're more like bunker busters. 😉 😂


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Yes. If an addict doesn’t want or think they need help, no one else can make them. Thought maybe your not posting was a good sign, guess not.
> 
> But what about the sites aimed at helping the loved ones of an addict. The annon type sites. You still need some support dealing with her behavior.


Personally, I'd rather the woman I love to be obsessed with sex, and even masturbation, than to be stuck in a sexless marriage the way I have been for 47 years.

Sure, a porn addiction is bad, whether it be as a man or woman. However, as long as his wife is willing to participate with this 'addiction' with her H, and not leave him out, I say it's better than her ignoring him sexually completely and substituting getting her needs met completely through porn and masturbation alone.

I'd rather the woman I love to be using as many, and as big the realistic dildos as she wants. It sure beats her running after the real thing and cheating!

JMHO.


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## High and dry (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> And you are trying to add another child to this mix??? Why....


We aren’t supposed to be trying right now. All talk about another baby had been put on hold indefinitely after the last miscarriage. The porn issue wasn’t a thing until many months after the last miscarriage. She recently said she wanted to start talking about a baby again in October-November. I was hoping these other issues would be resolved by then but you see how well that’s going.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That time’s only two-three months away so, no, there was no reason to hope this would be resolved by then. Pregnant now or pregnant in a couple of months is basically the same.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> This new one she was using was large and looked just like a porn star penis. It’s like she googled “porn star dildo” and clicked buy. She bought that on her own and didn’t mention it to me. We’ve used all sorts of toys, including dildos and vibrators, for years. She recently showed me two new toys she wants to buy, including a suctioning toy that simulates the tongue and oral sex and a pulsating squirting vibrating dildo. I think she was hoping I’d buy them for her when she showed me. I used to get excited when she’d show me something new she wanted to try and I would buy it, but I didn’t feel that way when’s he showed me her latest finds.


She is including you so that's good.

As long as you to have a good and steady sex life, you and her incorporate the toys in couples sex too just roll with it.

Let her wank away until she's found her limit and gets tired of it, and finds her balance. Time will solve this. Just enjoy the ride.


----------



## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Jane Adams said:


> *Men of all ages can use **PX7 Primal Flow** to improve their sexual life and boost their virility. Having a healthy prostate comes with many benefits, many of which result from taking the PX7 Primal Flow supplement. This is why the powerful formula can help you get rid of the effects brought by prostate-related problems and focus on providing multiple benefits to your body which are *


Are you a registered vendor? Why are you spamming with marketing drivel?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

High and dry said:


> This new one she was using was large and looked just like a porn star penis. It’s like she googled “porn star dildo” and clicked buy. She bought that on her own and didn’t mention it to me. We’ve used all sorts of toys, including dildos and vibrators, for years. She recently showed me two new toys she wants to buy, including a suctioning toy that simulates the tongue and oral sex and a pulsating squirting vibrating dildo. I think she was hoping I’d buy them for her when she showed me. I used to get excited when she’d show me something new she wanted to try and I would buy it, but I didn’t feel that way when’s he showed me her latest finds.


I meant to add, why not buy her a toy a month subscription, embrace and encourage her to do more frequently, buy her plenty of lube, toys, lingerie, and tools of the trade to encourage her to wank more.

Offer to build her or buy a motorized sex machine with thrusting apparatus and remote controller, with a special piece of furniture meant to lay down and spread out, and have at it. Tell her you want to see her use and incorporate powered thrusters in a special created sex room.

Keep pushing it. She even might embrace it. Or it will help her find her limits. You know, reverse psychology and all that.

Could open both of you two's eyes.


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## CoffeeandTV (5 mo ago)

CountryMike said:


> I meant to add, why not buy her a toy a month subscription, embrace and encourage her to do more frequently, buy her plenty of lube, toys, lingerie, and tools of the trade to encourage her to wank more.
> 
> Offer to build her or buy a motorized sex machine with thrusting apparatus and remote controller, with a special piece of furniture meant to lay down and spread out, and have at it. Tell her you want to see her use and incorporate powered thrusters in a special created sex room.
> 
> ...


Wow.


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