# Don't know where to start



## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

Hello. So im new here. I guess I came looking for people who are in the same boat? Support? Advice? Guidance? 

Everything in me is saying to divorce my husband.. Maybe I'll go into details later... but for now, I'm just scared, hurt, confused.. I don't know where to even start. I live in PA. He and I have done so well saving money over the past few years.. and im afraid a divorce is going to drain my bank account. He's told me I can keep the house if I refinance and get his name off the deed. But I legit know nothing about financial stuff, the housing stuff.. or even where to look for advice without being charged and arm and a leg. 

I know if we divorce there may not be a way for me to keep the house because I don't know that I can afford it. It was my grandparents house. A dream of mine to buy and fix up. He knew this when he met me. We bought the house because my grandmother allowed me to buy it way cheaper when the day came she passed away. 
He hasn't helped me in any way fix it up since we bought it.. it was built in the 40s by my grandfather, and sometimes I just feel like he married me for stability. 

It hurts my soul to think about losing my entire life because I chose to marry someone that I KNEW since day one wasn't a good fit for me.. but I ignored the red flags and did it.

I'm 34 (He's 45).. hes not given me children yet, fully knowing I've been wanting them for years. (He rarely has sex with me) I feel like I'm wasting my time staying with him. He's not present in our marriage. Never has been. 

Sorry for venting... its 2am here, I can't sleep.. and needed to let it all out. ☹

<3


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it's a very difficult time for you.

It sounds like right now, despite your concerns about losing your relationship, finances are your biggest issue. So I'll start there.

If you keep the house, does he expect to get some money out of the equity, or is he ok with you just keeping it free and clear?


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## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

He has said that he understands I want the house and that all he wants is half of our bank account and for me to get his name off of anything involving the home. He doesn't know how to handle confrontation of any kind. He shuts down.. walks away, doesn't talk. Nothing. I believe him when says he will let me have the home... I guess I just don't even know where to start. Besides our house, we have like a $5,000 payment left on a loan. But don't have car payments.. no kids. (Just pets) so I think it would be pretty easy to divorce.. I think im just scared of the unknown. And then him leaving and I'm still here in this house feeling like a failure. It sucks. I don't know anyone who has gone through a divorce so I don't know who to turn to for help or advice.. I just know I can't keep living with someone who since day 1 has put zero effort into this marriage. He filled my head with so much false hope it breaks my heart. I love him. I've tried every option to fix us. But I can't force someone to try...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you don't know anyone who is divorced, you might benefit from joining a divorce support group. They exist in most places.

Is there any way you could find a roommate? Having someone around might help you both make the house payments and help you not feel so all alone in that house? Or, do you have a dog? Sometimes getting a pet helps.

If your income is enough to make the house payments, you should be able to refinance fairly easily and the interest rates might be a lot lower now than when you bought the house. Do you have any family members who can help you figure how to do the refinance?

What describe does sound like a pretty easy divorce. Since it sounds like your divorce will be fairly easy, you might want to use a mediator instead of a regular divorce lawyer. With divorce lawyers you will need 2 attorneys, one for each of you. It's costly. With a meditator it's one person who works with both of you. Most state court systems also have self-help websites with all the forms and instructions.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Eva_87 said:


> This is so crazy. My relationship is literally almost thr exact same way. Like.. scary similar. Although my husband doesn't play video games.. he works ALL the time. I work retail. He's in the landscaping business. I'm 34.. hes 45.. he does everything for other people but nothing for me. He wakes up at like 630 every morning and is asleep by 10 at night. When he does get home, it's about 830.. and instead of even talking with me, he sits on his phone and either does more work stuff, is reading, or watching videos.
> 
> I have begged him to pay attention to me. Like you, I try to be the best wife I can be.. but its like he's not present in our marriage.
> 
> ...


 i have not the time now to respond with a more full response, 
but it looks like your husband has low testosterone ,
divorce will cost money , for some it is money well spent for others it is a ticket to hell 
have you tried to find out why he is tired and not interested , 
i am between to minds if to should be working on working it out


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## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

I've tried. He genuinely doesn't care. He also drinks. Like.. during the day. I find bottles of alcohol in his truck. We've talked about all the issues before, and I feel like if someone wants to change, they have to be willing to put in the work to figure out whats wrong.. we have had the same arguments for 6 years. He doesn't want to confront of his problems. Idk how much longer I can keep giving and giving to someone when they aren't willing to try at all.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I cannot speak to the emotional side of what you are going through, but as far as the financial side, there are financial counselors out there who can teach you the financial stuff. Many of them work for a reasonable fee and there are even some who do it as a ministry and will coach you for free. Google Dave Ramsey and search for counseling services. They are in Tennessee but can do virtual counseling or there may even be someone in your local area. Check it out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you done any on-line research? That can be helpful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Eva_87 said:


> I've tried. He genuinely doesn't care. He also drinks. Like.. during the day. I find bottles of alcohol in his truck. We've talked about all the issues before, and I feel like if someone wants to change, they have to be willing to put in the work to figure out whats wrong.. we have had the same arguments for 6 years. He doesn't want to confront of his problems. Idk how much longer I can keep giving and giving to someone when they aren't willing to try at all.


From the info you’ve given, divorce is the right route. You married a dud. It happens. 
mist attorneys give free consultations. Some states even have free paperwork you can do your own uncontested divorce with.
The person to talk to is a banker, an attorney, and any relatives you’re close to and may be able to help.

There are a lot of people here that give good advice and I think this is a doable situation for you. Some advice I would give is this: sounds like you love the house. Don’t let the house govern your life, though. If it’s too much of a burden financially, sell it and get out from under it. As you’ve seen already, you can’t carry a house with you. Don’t allow yourself to be too attached to such things.

Don’t let fear keep you from moving forward. That is probably the most common thing that results in misery for people.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

1. How much did you pay for the house? How much is it worth?

2. Do you have debt? If so, has he agreed to split that?

3. And was the money in the bank accounts all accumulated during your marriage?

Folks on here can give you some guidance, but before you agree to anything with your ex, you should see a lawyer to make sure you are not giving away too much or not getting everything you are entitled to.


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## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> From the info you’ve given, divorce is the right route. You married a dud. It happens.
> mist attorneys give free consultations. Some states even have free paperwork you can do your own uncontested divorce with.
> The person to talk to is a banker, an attorney, and any relatives you’re close to and may be able to help.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for reaching out and saying that. It truly does mean the world to hear that from someone.


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## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> 1. How much did you pay for the house? How much is it worth?
> 
> 2. Do you have debt? If so, has he agreed to split that?
> 
> ...


Before I met my now husband, my grandmother changed her will to allow me to buy the house for $100,000. It's now valued at aboit 250. We bought the house together a few years after she passed away when the allotted time she gave me was up. (That being so my mom and her sisters would get their inheritance from the purchase of the house.) From what I've read, I don't think PA makes you split everything straight in half. And like I've said, he's told me I could have the house. 

I think ultimately I'm just scared. Which is what most people go through. The whole thing just sucks and I habe to just gain the courage to do it... every day I don't is just another day wasted.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You badly need to see an attorney. What people say, and what people actually do in a divorce is totally different. You need in writing that you get the house. He very well may treat you fairly in the divorce. Let him.
Get someone to help you get a plan in place. Get the house free and clear of him in the divorce, and sell it and use the equity you’ve gained to get your life in order. You can bet that your grandmother would want you to use her gift not to tie you down, but to set yourself free. I hope you can keep the house, but let the house work for you, don’t live for the house.


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## Eva_87 (Aug 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You badly need to see an attorney. What people say, and what people actually do in a divorce is totally different. You need in writing that you get the house. He very well may treat you fairly in the divorce. Let him.
> Get someone to help you get a plan in place. Get the house free and clear of him in the divorce, and sell it and use the equity you’ve gained to get your life in order. You can bet that your grandmother would want you to use her gift not to tie you down, but to set yourself free. I hope you can keep the house, but let the house work for you, don’t live for the house.


Thank you <3


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Eva_87 said:


> Before I met my now husband, my grandmother changed her will to allow me to buy the house for $100,000. It's now valued at aboit 250. We bought the house together a few years after she passed away when the allotted time she gave me was up. (That being so my mom and her sisters would get their inheritance from the purchase of the house.) From what I've read, I don't think PA makes you split everything straight in half. And like I've said, he's told me I could have the house.
> 
> I think ultimately I'm just scared. Which is what most people go through. The whole thing just sucks and I habe to just gain the courage to do it... every day I don't is just another day wasted.


I don't know PA law either, but considering most couples split martial property, your husband could be walking away from $125K (half the house). I would do an initial consult with lawyer without telling your husband. That way you will be more informed if you decide to divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Eva_87 said:


> I've tried. He genuinely doesn't care. He also drinks. Like.. during the day. I find bottles of alcohol in his truck. We've talked about all the issues before, and I feel like if someone wants to change, they have to be willing to put in the work to figure out whats wrong.. we have had the same arguments for 6 years. He doesn't want to confront of his problems. Idk how much longer I can keep giving and giving to someone when they aren't willing to try at all.


How much does he drink? If he has a drinking problem then alcohol will be his first love. He will not be present in your marriage. how long have you been married?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If he earns significantly more than you do, you may be entitled to spousal maintenance for a period of time, and he may be liable for your attorneys fees.

Then again if he's going to walk away from a good chunk of equity it might not be worth poking the bear.



SCDad01 said:


> your husband could be walking away from $125K (half the house).


Less any mortgage.


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