# Lashing Out



## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

So, last January, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a kid (24) - she is 41. They both work at a the same gym. I REALLY believe we were pretty good up until this little ***** entered into the picture (not perfect of course, but pretty good).

She did the usual - denied, blamed me - blah blah blah.

I didn't say much - initially tested the waters for R, but very soon realized that was not what either of us wanted - I would never forgive her, so screw it.

I moved out, got the divorce papers in order - see my kids pretty often and have been...miserable.

Then, this weekend, some weird stuff started happening - long story, but somebody (I figured her or him were behind it, but maybe not - maybe his ex GF? Somebody that dislikes my wife?, I dunno) started in with taunting me with "blocked" phone calls. REALLY PISSED ME OFF (some really crude stuff was said to me, I won't repeat it here).

So - I did what everyone says you shouldn't do - I lashed out. I told her EXACTLY what I think of her. I was pretty mean, but honest (no name calling - just the truth that she has refused to cop to for months). I also did some exposure that may or may not do some damage to both of those losers, and that felt good too. The truth is the exposure was not meant to get her back, it was done out of spite, payback for those phone calls that are ultimately their fault, even if they didn't orchestrate them.

I now feel 100% better. It's weird, it's like I needed to get it off my chest and now that I finally did, I feel better than I have in months. I am sure she is quite pissed, thinks I'm crazy, whatever, will try to get me back, etc.. I don't care. They say getting "revenge" or "lashing out" is not the right thing to do, but I gotta tell you, for me, the "low road" is the most pleasant journey I've had in months. 

I suppose that makes me a bad person, but it is the only thing that worked for me. I don't want to be angry/anxious/depressed all the time - I just feel like a huge burden has been lifted. Again, I guess I'm a jerk, but if it takes the pain away...


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Exposure is actually recommended quite frequently here. The truth burns stbxw/h's like vampires in the sun. 

Especially since R is not an option for you. Do/did you normally have a problem expressing anger?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

call me immature, but i've done a few little revenge things, and it made me feel a little better! as long as it's not illegal and not physically hurting anyone, i say do what you must to heal. eventually you won't feel pain, just indifference.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

We had maybe 2 or 3 conversations after Dday. That was enough for me to realize it was never gonna work. I can spot BS a mile away, and she was full of it. I yelled at her maybe twice after DD, but pretty much kept my mouth shut for the last 6 months. It's like I just couldn't keep it inside anymore, I had to tell her exactly what I thought of her and her selfish, destructive, family destroying behavior. I thought I would feel awful for being such a jerk, but it actually felt great (not for her, I'm sure, but it worked for me). Best day I've had in months.

I've read exposure is good if you want R, but I don't want that. I guess I just wanted to be heard.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

i haven't seen much here yet about exposure. thanks for posting this GE. 

i went off-script and broke 180/nc last week with my WAW. in my case it was to be helpful. it felt good doing what felt natural rather than forcing myself to perform per some scripted way of composure.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Yeah, my 180 was a pretty miserable failure - she was better at it than me (conciously or not). I kept my mouth shut for the most part, but was fairly passive aggressive - didn't yell much, but simply could NOT act "happy" - especially while still living under the same roof - that was hell. I am striving for "indifference", but the truth is I loathe her. I guess I am painting a picture of myself as a pretty awful individual - perhaps I am - but I never cheated (plenty of opportunities too - a couple of times I really wanted to, but loyalty is absolutely HUGE to me - another reason I will never forgive her trespass).


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> i haven't seen much here yet about exposure. thanks for posting this GE.
> 
> i went off-script and broke 180/nc last week with my WAW. in my case it was to be helpful. it felt good doing what felt natural rather than forcing myself to perform per some scripted way of composure.


Conrad's take on DeMello, this is a #2. Just realize that sometimes whats "natural" isn't in your best interest.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Hey Matt, I'm not sure what any of that means. Anthony De Mello? What's the reference?

As towards "natural isn't your best interest"... i agree with you that it's good to have some checks and balances there. It's just that if you blindly adhere to nc/180 it may not always be in your best interest either.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i think if you are sure there is no chance for R then do whatever you need to do to heal. she no longer deserves your kindness or respect. who cares if she thinks you're crazy? just focus on doing your thing.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Thanks for that - she certainly does not have my respect, but I do consider myself "kind" (usually!). Going off on her like that was out of character for me, but I now realize it had to be done in order to move forward - we barely spoke at all after DD, journaling, support network, books, etc. didn't help. Direct, honest communication did. Wonder what she will try to do to me now? What more CAN she do?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

she can't do anything you don't let her do. you got it off your chest, now it's time to do you and work on becoming completely indifferent to her. it will take time, but when you reach the point that you simply don't care it's pretty flipping awesome. i remember getting there with x #1 and it was like choir angles singing.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Yup - I'll get there. This was the best "closure" I could hope for I think, now I can turn the corner. Thanks for your support.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gnome enthusiast said:


> Thanks for that - she certainly does not have my respect, but I do consider myself "kind" (usually!). Going off on her like that was out of character for me, but I now realize it had to be done in order to move forward - we barely spoke at all after DD, journaling, support network, books, etc. didn't help. Direct, honest communication did. Wonder what she will try to do to me now? What more CAN she do?


gnome,

I'm not as well versed in the mechanics of affair busting as those in the CWI Forum.

But, my understanding is this... if you let the affair continue without exposure, the 180 won't do jack to help your relationship. Your spouse is on the fog with posOM and imagining he's her "soul mate."

I'm glad you finally busted them. Wish you would have done it long ago.

Did the phone calls stop?


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Well, no calls today. I hope that is the end of them.

Thanks for the tip, but I don't want to help my relationship - that is done. I DO want to help myself and be me again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gnome enthusiast said:


> Well, no calls today. I hope that is the end of them.
> 
> Thanks for the tip, but I don't want to help my relationship - that is done. I DO want to help myself and be me again.


Are you in counseling?


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

No - tried it - not for me. Didn't help.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gnome enthusiast said:


> No - tried it - not for me. Didn't help.


Good luck.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

thanks


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

While you're at it don't stop at some exposure, and expose them far and wide. They work at same place right expose them to their boss/HR, customers, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors. Basically anyoen and everyone, if you have FB use that.

Did you get legal advice before moving out? You wouldn't want that to bite you in the back side as abandonment. Also don't settle for every other weekend visitation. Try to get 50/50 which is ideally the best in the kids interest.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Yeah - I did that. friends, boss, neighbors, my parents. I am keeping her family in my back pocket - that will be the worst for her and she knows it. Gotta have a couple rounds left in case she escalates.

Best bulldog lawyer in town on retainer. Worked the entire agreement out via mediation though, keeping the lawyer waiting in the wings if needed - she has not finalized the papers yet, but I am pressuring her to do so - this week. If not, I file - on grounds of adultery (NY). I have mountains of evidence - PI, texts, phone records, photos, etc. She can either choose the easy path and submit the "no fault" papers or I can put her, the punk kid and all her friends on the stand - again, gotta have some ammo. Also, the kid is a pothead, so that should keep him away from my kids if I need to use that.

I/we are abiding by what was written up in the mediation agreement - I am paying support and all that (daycare, camp, health, etc.). 

I know it is not ideal to move out, but I couldn't take it anymore and I was advised that most judges in this town would simply say the current (semi formal) agreement written by the mediator is working, so it would likely remain in place. I currently have a satisfactory custody agreement - 3 weekends out of every four and one or two nights during the week. My kids are fairly young and very sensitive and it was important to me that the family home be retained to give them a sense of stability. I freely offered the house or gave her the option to move out. She took the house (shocking, I know). 

Sure, I could get screwed still, but I feel I have my bases covered. I am actually hoping for peace, have provided an easy path to acheive it (sign the papers, *****), but I also feel I am fairly well prepared for war if it comes down to it (hope not, for the kid's sake).


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Was the house mortgage'd? Under your name? If so you may want to push her to refinance it right away so your credit wont get hit in the mean time for late or non-payments. Same for any other shared loans/credit lines.

For the child custody I would suggest you do your best during divorce, as its nearly impossible to change it afterwards. Have a look at dadsdivorce.com forums, plenty of quality help over there incase you need it.


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## gnome enthusiast (May 2, 2012)

Thanks. Yeah - the agreement states that if she misses one payment she is out. She must also attempt to get a loan once every six months - should not be a problem because she now has no choice but get off her lazy ass and work at her "profession" ($60/hour plus the $1600 a month I pay in support) instead of sponging off me, counting reps in a gym and ****ing the help.


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