# Basic Dating Etiquette Question



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

So, I had more response to my dating profile than I'd thought I would. That should be a good thing. But I have a question...

I have some activity dates lined up. Stuff like mountain biking & beach, kayaking, dinner and movie, and amusement park. 4 different guys, lol. I don't have any plans to be physical, these are get to know me/you dates and all are first dates except for the amusement park. That's a second date, I really like the guy. 

Is it just assumed that if I have my profile up on a dating site, that I am dating around? 

My guy friend (the one that had the brain hemorrhage after we got together as a couple and is now not in my life, at least not physically) used to date around, before we got together as a couple. In fact, he openly went out with women in a defined social space where the other women might know about each other, and he handled it very well...until he got to date me, then he zero'd in, lol. The first night I met him for a date I walked into the place we were meeting side by side with another he'd dated, we'd been chatting as we entered the building...I picked up on it right away and put my hand on her arm as she went to meet him as he was coming towards me and said, oh, look, here is my friend that I'm meeting here. She told me later she knew by the way he ignored her and grabbed me away that he had no interest in her any more. lol. I think now she is able to visit him so that's good, at least he has someone as his sister has guardianship and said it wasn't in his best interest to see me (not what the case managers decided but she is a legal guardian and I don't want to fight it...time will play out in this one...or not...who knows...)

I have issues with getting physical too soon, and won't, or sending signals to a guy that I'm committed when I'm only just interested. Should I just be honest when asked and say that I am dating others? 

Guys can deal with this, right? I know that guys don't have many issues dating different women, but am wondering if the same rules apply to a woman? It's not that I enjoy dating different men and having to deal with the logistics and keeping facts straight, which is easier than you'd think...but I can't see the sense in serial dating of one guy at a time...my thinking is one person can do a lot of damage on their own but having a variety of dates with different people leaves me in control of my social life, in a proactive way. For the time being, I would like choices.

I'm actually a bit endeared and wildly crazy about the guy I have the second date with. After the first date, which went well, he got cold feet, and I was okay with that, we talked a bit, and then I deleted him from my phone contacts. Then I think he had second thoughts and wants to go out again. lol. Probably the fact I didn't get mad or upset at his decision impressed him, I'm the sort of person who's able to do considerable self-care, so being rejected wasn't upsetting, I just told him I was disappointed and left it at that. My biggest thing is letting this guy know I have other dates that are promised, and having him feel okay about it. When he got cold feet I had opportunities to make future dates and I did. I would have preferred him, but he'd closed that door and I'd accetped that. 

What should I say, something like 'Yes, I am dating a fair amount, once or twice a week when I have time what with my kids and work and personal stuff I do on my own, but nobody in particular, just getting out and getting to know people who catch my interest?'

I do have an intution about the guy I'm having a second date with, but also I think it's a good thing I'm dating others. Less scary for him, in some way. Takes the pressure off I suppose. 

Any advice on attitude and dialog in this matter, appreciated.

Oh, I'm 48. I also live in a small area, so there are increased chances of running into people, or having all your stuff known more or less by 'everyone' not really but small town kind of thing.

I don't see the need to pretend I'm only dating one guy if I'm not.
So long as I behave and they are truly activity dates. 

Thanks!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

_Should I just be honest when asked and say that I am dating others?
_

I didn’t get past that part. I honestly don’t know what your intent was with that statement or if you really mean what you say. If I take it at face value I take it that you are actually asking of you should lie and deceive. I find the fact that you have to ask absolutely incredible and for me means loss of every single bit of what credibility and integrity I allocate to every person I meet.

Personally I’d be scared sh!tless of ever being discovered in such a deception such is the very high value I place on my integrity and credibility. I would not expect my “date” to believe any other words that came out of my mouth.

Don't you fear the very same thing?

I am not trying to be “holier than though”. It is just who I am. I most fundamentally believe that honesty is the best policy in all things. Even if I think my honesty may harm me!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think honesty is the best way.
if you plan on dating others just tell them youre not looking for anything serious right now and youre just seeing whats out there.

when i was just in the chatting phase with the woman i met on line, i asked her up front what her reasons were for being on the dating site and whether she dated more than one person at a time or not. i told her right away what i was doing there and that i only date one at a time, would not date others while dating someone.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I think its fine to have options,as long as you are willing to pick one of them after few dates with each one and not giving them false hopes.
And yes always be honest.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Be honest. Let them know you're dating others, but it's not physical, just seeing what's out there...because that is what dating is for.

I did this the whole year before I met H. It was fun and casual and non of the guys cared. I'm sure they were dating others too...but I wasn't having sex with them so I didn't mind. I was just dating to find one I liked and none of them were that awesome to not date anyone else.

Then I met H and that was it. lol. I stopped seeing EVERYONE except H.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are dating.

If your profile is up, you are dating.

You owe it to NO ONE, while dating, to tell them ... you're dating. If they ask if you are seeing other people, answer completely transparently, "Yes. Does that bother you?" Then it is up to them to explain their position.

I have only ever had this come up once. I automatically presume anyone that I am meeting for the first or second time, is also meeting other people.

In my experience it is relatively easy to tell when you have crossed over to 'exclusive'. When someone is calling you or texting you several times a day and never says "I have other plans" when you ask to get together, you know where you stand.

In my playbook, once sex is involved you're no longer dating ...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i think honesty is the best way.
> if you plan on dating others just tell them youre not looking for anything serious right now and youre just seeing whats out there.
> 
> when i was just in the chatting phase with the woman i met on line, i asked her up front what her reasons were for being on the dating site and whether she dated more than one person at a time or not. i told her right away what i was doing there and that i only date one at a time, would not date others while dating someone.


Not everyone is as clear as you unfortunately.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

It sounds like you're starting to date again and unsure whether it the basic assumption by others will be one of exclusivity or not. Are you asking whether or not you're expected to let people know that things aren't exclusive right away? If so, then I'd say you don't have to. You're just getting to know people and it's unlikely that anyone will assume that you are exclusively dating him unless you guys have a talk about being exclusive. I think it's safe to assume that if you're on a dating website, you're probably dating more than one person. Now, if you've been dating someone a few times a week for more than a couple of months and you're not exclusive, it might be fair to bring that up, but for the first few dates (like the first ten), it would be rather presumptuous for anyone to believe that there are no other guys in your life.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

The rules of dating seem complicated at times, yet sometimes we just make it complicated...bahh

I agree that once you have sex with a person, you are no longer dating other people....but, what if you're having sex with one person, and it's casual, but you're dating others with no sex, just to see what else is out there??? is that bad??


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

AFEH said:


> _Should I just be honest when asked and say that I am dating others?
> _
> 
> If I take it at face value I take it that you are actually asking of you should lie and deceive. I find the fact that you have to ask absolutely incredible and for me means loss of every single bit of what credibility and integrity I allocate to every person I meet.


AFEH, I wonder if instead of "honest" the OP meant "forthcoming"? I didn't take the question to mean "Should I lie?" but "How much info should I share at the outset?". I think that the OP is asking about expectations and rather than setting out to dupe or deceive anyone, is trying to make sure she doesn't have a weird misunderstanding down the line.

I could be wrong, but that's the sense I'm getting.

Of course, when someone asks, "Are you dating others?" the answer shouldn't be some calculated story, but the truth about whether that is a yes or a no. I doubt that is what the OP intended to imply. However, I think that the OPs question/concern was just poorly phrased there and is creating some confusion about intention.

OP, are you asking about whether or not you should be forthcoming at the outset? Or, are you asking about whether you should deliberately conceal that you are seeing others? Or, are you asking for general clarification of TAMers ideas about expectations in the dating world?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People forget what dating is for. It's to meet people and find something you can't be without...then comes exclusivity. 

But it's without sex and without all the commitment drama of a relationship. You're JUST dating. And, to take it a step farther, pay for your half of the date for the first couple times. I did that, so there was no "using" of anyone. Just out to get to know people.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

working_together said:


> ....but, what if you're having sex with one person, and it's casual, but you're dating others with no sex, just to see what else is out there??? is that bad??


i would want to know about it and we would no longer be dating.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i would want to know about it and we would no longer be dating.


Seriously???

I guess it depends on the person, and their past experiences.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Do not start treating people badly after you have sex with them. It's just horrible and you are leaving that person with trust issues.

Do not lie about important information such as name, age, marital status. It will come out and just make the liar look stupid. 

Do not invite people out on dates and then complain loudly about the cost. Such behavior is very uncouth. 

I went though all these things when I was single. My husband had a lot of barriers to break down when we met because I was very suspicious.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think that if the guy asks her if she's dating others, she needs to say whether she is or isn't. What I find strange is that people usually don't ask these questions and I think it's because they really don't want to know since it becomes a whole other conversation that can feel uncomfortable, and could seem a bit needy.

I never ask the person I'm dating if he's seeing others, if he is, well, so be it. I think I would want to know to some extent, because it give you an idea of how serious the person is willing to get, but let's face it, when you're just divorced, people need to understand that you're not ready to comitt right away..


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I don't assume exclusivity in dating, unless we've discussed it. Casual sex needs to be very clearly understood; if it's hooking up, it's just hooking up and that is NOT the same as sex in a relationship, in my opinion. If a relationship has developed and sex is involved, then I expect the guy I'm dating to NOT have sex with others and, if he is doing so, to tell me otherwise; who wants to be at risk of a disease?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

moxy said:


> I don't assume exclusivity in dating, unless we've discussed it. Casual sex needs to be very clearly understood; if it's hooking up, it's just hooking up and that is NOT the same as sex in a relationship, in my opinion. If a relationship has developed and sex is involved, then I expect the guy I'm dating to NOT have sex with others and, if he is doing so, to tell me otherwise; who wants to be at risk of a disease?


i dont do casual sex, period.
i dont do casual dating and i make this clear in the beginning.
i dont feel its a needy thing but i am looking for something specific and i let that be known up front.
when i date someone i want to get to know them to see if they are someone i want a relationship with and i dont feel you can do that if youre with several other people. 
if i dont want a relationship with that person, or they with me, then its time to move on.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It should be assumed that if you have *not* had the "let's be exclusive" talk, that you are both dating around. However, better to put it out there at the right time rather than make the assumption that any guy (or girl) is aware of this assumption! 

I would not bring it up, though, until it is appropriate/natural. You will probably not want to be sexually active with multiple, non-exclusive partners, so that's one time it is natural. Be sure to make it clear that you are NOT suggesting being exclusive just for the sake of having sex; rather, say something like "I'm still seeing other people . . ." or something along those lines. In other words, if given the opening, he may say "let's be exclusive, then" just to get sex, and unless you are really interested in that possiblity with that person, don't go there.

I would not make opportunities to bring up the dating around still discussion, but I would not avoid them, either. Some men do not want to date a woman who is still seeing others, so if you see that in a guy's profile, respect it--maybe have one date and see if you want to keep going, for example, or if you still want to date others, tell him. 

One other thing: be careful about guys who disappear, even for a short time (men should be careful about such girls, too). Getting cold feet is generally NOT what was really going on, and you do not want to be Plan B for someone you really like--will set up a bad dynamic from the get-go. Good luck.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> _Should I just be honest when asked and say that I am dating others?
> _
> 
> I didn’t get past that part. I honestly don’t know what your intent was with that statement or if you really mean what you say. If I take it at face value I take it that you are actually asking of you should lie and deceive. I find the fact that you have to ask absolutely incredible and for me means loss of every single bit of what credibility and integrity I allocate to every person I meet.
> ...


Wow, what a kneejerk. What I mean, is there some kind of code that people use to say they are dating around. I think some people actually don't want to know straight out, they want to hear some other way than blunt. I made a mistake. I should have used 'direct' or 'frank' instead of 'honest'. So please answer substituting the new adjectives. The question then is, IF a guy asks and IF he is waiting for an answer, HOW does a guy want to HEAR the TRUTH which is what will absolutely be communicated. lol


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

working_together said:


> The rules of dating seem complicated at times, yet sometimes we just make it complicated...bahh
> 
> I agree that once you have sex with a person, you are no longer dating other people....but, what if you're having sex with one person, and it's casual, but you're dating others with no sex, just to see what else is out there??? is that bad??


Good question? That would be an interesting although somewhat although not impossible situation. But the catch is, I wouldn't want to seriously date someone who would accept a woman who was doing that. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I need to explain that, it's just a preference/feeling.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nothing wrong with saying (to a virtual stranger) that you are seeing other people until you find what you want/need.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Homemaker

I thinks it's awesome your dating again.

Don't fret too much or over think. Just enjoy yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> It should be assumed that if you have *not* had the "let's be exclusive" talk, that you are both dating around. However, better to put it out there at the right time rather than make the assumption that any guy (or girl) is aware of this assumption!
> 
> I would not bring it up, though, until it is appropriate/natural. You will probably not want to be sexually active with multiple, non-exclusive partners, so that's one time it is natural. Be sure to make it clear that you are NOT suggesting being exclusive just for the sake of having sex; rather, say something like "I'm still seeing other people . . ." or something along those lines. In other words, if given the opening, he may say "let's be exclusive, then" just to get sex, and unless you are really interested in that possiblity with that person, don't go there.
> 
> ...


This summarizes most or all of the advice, thanks!
I disagree a bit about the last point, the guy who disappears. Men are no different from women, I think...if they make out (lol, I mean in the traditional sense) with one woman and then a different one maybe they can become confused, it seems natural, and do a knee jerk and think ohhhh, I'm so two-faced, I should only choose one of these women....so if a guy disappears for a day or two and then starts up a dialog again, and has used the word 'sorry' a lot and the words 'don't be mad' when they can't make a date...I think it's a sign of dating confusion. Maybe men have the exact same questions as everyone else when dating. It seems to be a new territory for a lot of us, and it's not sure what the rules are. Some guys will try to have sex with a date and if the date doesn't say no...they will feel like after the deed is done then they need to be exclusive, even if they feel otherwise, again, in order to get more sex, even though ideally the relationship itself isn't what they want. Personally I think holding off on sex is a good thing, until you are sure you would like to try a period of exclusivity, and then make sure you have agreed on enough time to adjust to the new situation, which of course brings out new dynamics and latent trust issues, etc. 

I've met a few guys I'm fond of, the one I really connected with is the one who was iffy. He waffled and said he couldn't see me again and I took his side while maintaining my own. Then I disappeared, did not beg, just had stated my opinion and how I felt (private, sorry!) Let it go. lol we have a date July 4. It's my treat. He picked up the first one. It's funny, NOW I get how a guy can be perfectly okay with dropping hard cold cash to enjoy the company of a special woman for the night. I have no issues running a newspaper delivery route in the wee hours to have cash for a fun night out.  I recognize the feeling I have for him as it is the same as what I felt for my guy friend who had the brain hemorrhage. It's so difficult when you lose someone close due to something other than breaking up. It can never be the same again, but you can take what you learned about how it feels to be in a great relationship, and use it as a sort of gauge. We have a connection but it's not entirely based on lifestyle and there is a big divide in our job situation that bothered him because it was vastly different than what he had in mind (I do cognitive decision science and language researcg lol, I don't expect ANYONE to understand it.) When my nose isn't in my work, I'm a completely different person, but one issue I've had in past is people think because I work from home that my job doesn't require the normal amount of hours, and it does, and I'm not willing to cave on that. I have flexibility, but I still need to put in my hours. 

Anyway, the attraction is hard to explain, it's not based on pure physical (that's rare for me, but it did get my attention because it's so rare, and I took to him like a duck to water) and it's not attributes like job or wealth or kids or not or hobbies or religion or geography...it's just who and how he is. If I was walking down a rural dirt road with nobody in sight no houses nothing but the landscape and he was coming in the other direction no job nothing, no identity except his basic here-I-am-right-now personality that would be what grabs me. I am so scre*wed. I realize I have only my objectivity to keep me safe. Fortunately, I can respect that and use it. I think I am in for the long haul on this one. For some reason he walked away and then changed his mind. I didn't ask him why, but I think it was this connection. He didn't like the feeling when it got disconnected but was still there, staring at him. I can hardly blame him. Well, we'll see where it goes. I really don't want to commit overly soon because I feel that is too suffocating and threatening, also damaging, and just generally ill-advised. Soooo tempting. But that's a good feeling. Funny it was me who had the doubts, he had to twist my arm into accepting a date. Now I think wow, if I hadn't been open-minded and something hadn't told me I should go even though I thought it would be useless, I would have missed out. I love it when I don't always listen to the logic side of my brain. (It's slightly damaged and so is at a disadvantage, and thank goodness for that, I could previously overthink myself into eternal stagnation.) 

So, when the time comes if it comes and I do commit, I can tell my new guy friends, oh boy, I met someone I'm absolutely crazy about and am going to give it a go with him. I mean, the people I date, that's what we're all looking for. In a way, it should be encouraging, no? I am REALLY KIND to the people I date. I don't go out on dates just to go on dates. I only go out with someone if I really think there is a chance of being compatible. I went out today mountain biking and to the beach and it was a $0 date. We got along really well. There is smoke but no fire, which in itself is nice. A normal feeling, not something that knocks you off kilter. It's good to know out of all the interest, to have met up with someone you can spend a relaxing day with, right off the bat. This is much better than last time I dated when I seemed to just get jerks. My teen had to help me out by explaining the behavior, it was just so foreign to me! One guy called me to tell me he was on his way to his former steady girlfriend's house and started going in on maybe staying the night or something to that effect. My son said, Mom, don't even talk to this guy anymore (he'd been dating me for a few weeks at that point and it had been going along well) Hang Up! he said, lol, so I did. He called back and my son answered and said some very unsavory things to this guy, and told him not to bother our family again, and then hung up on him again. lol. The next guy was a narcissistic diabetic who abused his insulin to gain power and control. Then there was my husband, and I kick myself, because I was communicating with a really nice guy at the time, and told him I was going to give this other guy a chance, because we'd been friends a number of years ago and he seemed very sincere. I think I committed way too soon with my H, on account of having known him from before. That was dumb. I admit it. On the other hand, I could have followed my gut instinct, which would have been to tell him, sorry, I am going to have to repeat our breakup, this is not going to work, I do not need to explain, the years have not made a difference, thank you for giving it another try. 

Anyway, it seems like communication and openmindedness is key, along with really looking out for yourself in a good way, being kind and trying not to hurt feelings, but also to realize that people are responsible for their own feelings, if they expect exclusivity they should not make assumptions and if it's important to them they should make it known...but of course for most of us, sex generally means to be exclusive, but requires a discussion beforehand, and not like 5 minutes before lol.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you're only about to have your second date with this guy, there's every chance he's dating around, too. IMO, that's what dating is all about. You date until such time as you (mutually) decide to become exclusive. If asked if you're dating others, of course you tell the truth, but I doubt that any guy is going to ask that question unless he's wanting something more serious with you.

As for getting physical - take it slowly and get to know the guy first. Personally, I would never sleep with a guy outside of an exclusive relationship.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Wow, what a kneejerk. What I mean, is there some kind of code that people use to say they are dating around. I think some people actually don't want to know straight out, they want to hear some other way than blunt. I made a mistake. I should have used 'direct' or 'frank' instead of 'honest'. So please answer substituting the new adjectives. The question then is, IF a guy asks and IF he is waiting for an answer, HOW does a guy want to HEAR the TRUTH which is what will absolutely be communicated. lol


I don’t know but I guess a guy will hear the truth in the way he hears the truth. Tell the same truth to ten different guys, they may well hear it in ten different ways. Make ten different interpretations of it. Or rather ten different applications of it.

For example one guy may well think “No probs there, I’m doing the same thing”, another “I don’t like that at all, I’m outer here when we’re done tonight”, another may just assume you’re sleeping with all the guys you’re dating and think “Yuk, I’m outer here” or another “Hey that’s great, another friend with benefits if I play my cards right”.

For sure if they’ve asked the question, it is a fitness test of some sort or other. See what I mean?

You cannot possibly predetermine how another is going to accept your truth and how they “spin” it in their own mind in accordance with their values and beliefs!

Why you would even bother to “feed” the truth in different ways to different people is way beyond my comprehension. What is so difficult about just being honest? Maybe I’m still not understanding you.


It is though totally different depending on how the question is asked, if it is asked. If for example it’s asked in a condescending, judgemental way then that tells you one heck of a lot about the guy you are on the date with! “How many guys are *you* going out with then?”.

With that type of person I would just be saying to myself self something like “What a judgemental pr!ck”. I would avoid answering because I wouldn’t (a) put myself up to be judged and (b) because I wouldn’t lie.

I would probably get up and go to the loo for a think. And then go back to the table with phone in hand and say something like “I’m really sorry but I’ve been called away. It’s been very nice meeting you”. Then I’d put half the bill on the table and leave. There’s a great ad on tv at the moment about this very thing, when a woman finds she’s dating a real jerk who’s making jokes at her expense. I think she gets her phone to ring, or makes out it’s on silent. Either way she looks at it, makes her excuses and leaves.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My sister lost her H when he was in his early 40s. When she started dating again she was amazed at some of the guys who turned up, way below what she was used to and what she had in mind both from a presentation point of view (dirty trainers, scruffy jeans) and personality, (depressing, antagonistic, judgmental, pessimistic).

She sounded sort of stunned, as they were nothing like their description.

Personally I don’t think you are at all obliged to sit there for two or three hours with someone who has lied about themselves and who is being a total antagonistic jerk with no saving graces and as such it’s best to have an early exit plan.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I don’t know but I guess a guy will hear the truth in the way he hears the truth. Tell the same truth to ten different guys, they may well hear it in ten different ways. Make ten different interpretations of it. Or rather ten different applications of it.
> 
> For example one guy may well think “No probs there, I’m doing the same thing”, another “I don’t like that at all, I’m outer here when we’re done tonight”, another may just assume you’re sleeping with all the guys you’re dating and think “Yuk, I’m outer here” or another “Hey that’s great, another friend with benefits if I play my cards right”.
> 
> ...


I think you're still pegging me as dishonest, and I already cleared that up! I wouldn't date you, you're too stuck on first impressions based on not asking questions for clarification lol. 

Anyway, guys ASK the question in different ways. For instance 'what did you do this weekend'? Should I say, I went out mountain biking and then to the beach, or I had a mountain biking and beach DATE? That's two different ways of answering a question. But what is the question? Some people won't ask, are you seeing anyone else or dating around? They will assume that you are theirs exclusively because you accepted a date. Maybe I want to avoid people who think like that, especially even before a first date, lol. So there is some tact in answering questions. 

I get the impression that you think I want to 'spin' truth to my advantage, to somehow keep a guy around by framing my response to suit them. That's absolutely not the case. 

What I am asking is what is the best way to tell someone that you are dating around, and not sleeping with anyone! How do you recognize the question and if they get upset about the truthful answer, to know that there is really nothing wrong with dating around and not sleeping with anyone (or other forms of physical intimacy that involve the genitalia lol) but some guys might get upset about it. I don't think those guys would be for me, so yes, I want to know how to tell them the truth, even if they cannot ask it directly? I guess what this is leading to is weeding out the guys who cannot communicate well about stuff like that. Guys who make assumptions or are control freaks or can't handle that a woman would naturally want to date around rather than make a commitment, see it through, end it, make another commitment, see it through, end it, etc. I'm a strong person, if I don't want to continue to see someone I don't have a problem with it. I also don't ask if they are seeing someone else because I'm not doing anything with them where it would matter. I guess if I found out they were sleeping with someone I would be disappointed, but I don't think I would judge them one way or another right off the bat, without knowing why, or jump to any conclusions, even though it would be tempting to do so. I don't take things too personally when it comes to dating I really think people should date around.

I guess I am looking for a guy who feels the same way about that and would have some give and take even if they were further along in the process, to have some respect for where I am. Maybe a guy has dated enough to know when he wants to commit, but has to be understanding about his intended's path and experience.

I'm not dishonest, but I also don't think a person should use exactly the same communication style with everyone. A communication style is give and take, and it really, absolutely, is a creation of two people. There is nothing wrong with imparting the same truth in different ways to different people, depending on how they ask. I have three kids, I talk to them in different ways. To treat them all as the same entity (i.e. 'child') would be really insulting and it would create a lesser quality of communication than what is really possible. 

I'm not a rule person. My one rule is to be honest, and the next is to be considerate of others, and it's a close second. 

However, I do want to communicate to the men that I date, that I am dating around. I would not want to give the false impression that I am exclusive to them. And if they think I am, I do want to correct that assumption. I can get suffocated easily, a guy who wants to commit too soon is a huge hassle for me and a big turnoff. This is different than someone who expresses a feeling to me, there is a difference between communicating and action.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I also think that staging a phone ring to make an exit is lying!
It's more direct and honest to say you feel uncomfortable and would like to end the date early, get your cash out and shake hands and say something neutral like no hard feelings, this is all in the ballpark. This gives the other person the change to clear up misunderstandings, and also feedback. Plus, honestly, if you say you are getting called away, the person is going to try to make another date with you and might say something about hey did you get your situation resolved from the other night? Then you will have to keep lying or admit that you had lied to end the date early.

I don't have any problem having frank discussions. It's just that some people do, and if I still want to impart my truth to them, and it seems like there might be instances where it's necessary, tact and kindness will be the rule. 

I would never stage a phone call. I also think some things are not anybody else's business. For instance, I don't think I would really disclose to one guy names of other people I was dating (although, my buddy I fell in love with, we did discuss that, and he actually owed a couple dates to two other women, lol, and I knew one of them and was cool with it as I understand commitment to take someone out is a commitment to take someone out and I didn't see these women as a threat, at all, I figured, rightly so, that he was going to go on the dates to tie up loose ends with them and make sure they were okay knowing he had enjoyed spending time with them instead of just kind of dumping them.) Personally, I would avoid this scenario by discussing intimacy in advance, to set a date for the future for that, and to plan it not to just 'let' it happen, so I would have time to tie up loose ends with other dates, I think this works better for the situation. To be honest, my guy friend was already hemorrhaging, he might not have been thinking too clearly, lol. He made the right choice with me though because it ended up saving his life, being here at my apartment. At that point we had known each other about 10 months and had established trust, even though he wasn't perfect (who is?) he was trustworthy. 

I'm into direct communication but I get that some people are not. 
Just as you think that it is okay to stage a phone call to make an exit, I don't think that's acceptable behavior. Even if you think someone is a jerk, to make them out to be a fool is just adding to their problems, now you have made them both a jerk and a fool. That goes against how I deal with humanity in general, I would like my interactions with people to leave them for the better, not for the worse, and that even includes my ex husband!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Good luck Homemaker_Numero_Uno, we’re obviously exceptionally incompatible!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Good luck Homemaker_Numero_Uno, we’re obviously exceptionally incompatible!




lol
I think the bottom line of this thread is that yes, it IS okay to be direct and to tell the guy like it is and if he doesn't like it and expects to be exclusive without intimacy, it's okay to part ways. i.e. that there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time and that without intimacy, it *may* be assumed but *may* lead to problems because *not every guy* will think that way, some guys might think that you are only going to date one person at a time.

A guy asked me if I had any fun plans for the weekend, I told him I went mountain biking and to the beach and that it was a date. I told the truth, it was fun, and it was a date. Easy peasy, now if he had thought I would be exclusive with him because I agreed to go kayaking when he got back from a trip, any murkiness is all cleared up  And I don't feel like it's wrong to do that. (Either to tell him, or to date around, both.)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No kidding. My horoscope today (which I don't usually read at all, but have a newspaper today because I did deliveries last night) says to be honest in order to avoid needing to keep promises I didn't mean to make, and that listening was key to doing this. 

Wow, that would be horrible to make the mistake of sending some kind of signal to a guy that I was in a committed relationship when I wasn't. I hope kissing or communicating desire but not going through with anything doesn't count :-o


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. The fake phone call doesn't fly with me either.

It's better to say....

"Ok. Your seriously damaged in the head, and this isn't going to work out. See ya, loser!"

Lol. I jest. Maybe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Wow, that would be horrible to make the mistake of sending some kind of signal to a guy that I was in a committed relationship when I wasn't. I hope kissing or communicating desire but not going through with anything doesn't count :-o


You know, quite honestly, I thought I was very good at this. Until my last relationship.
We got hot and heavy very fast. We clicked. We had chemistry. And call me crazy, but when someone is breathless, screaming your name over and over, during the act ... one may be inclined to think that 'they are into you'.

Broke one of my own rules. Told her I loved her. Quite simply because it was true. And she flaked. Went radio silent. I waited for her to get back to me ... when she did she indicated that "it was too much ... I'm not ready to be exclusive."
I don't hear from her for another week. At which point, her first question is, "So? Have any hot dates lined up?" to which I replied "Of course."
At which point she flaked again, and tried the whole blame-shifting thing. "Yeah, you must REALLY love me."
I asked her if she knew what 'crazy-making' meant. I explained it. She laughed. I respectfully said good-bye. We ended things on a good note, rather than a crazy note.
Haven't responded to any of her texts since.

My point? Some times these things can appear to be absolutely cut and dry ... and they aren't.

So ... caveat emptor


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Yeah. The fake phone call doesn't fly with me either.
> 
> It's better to say....
> 
> ...


I just don't have it in my heart to do that to someone. I mean, the harm done is just taking up a couple hours of my time in communicating and meeting, and that would have been a risk I was willing to take in the first place. Nothing ventured nothing gained sort of mentality. 

Sure enough, the guy who had asked about what I did over the weekend, and I told him I'd been mountain biking and to the beach on a date commented back in a way that made it seem like it was not that good a date or I wouldn't have been telling him about it. That gave me an opportunity to clarify that I am dating around and am not doing anything on my dates that would preclude me from doing so, i.e. physical intimacy, but that I got that some people preferred dating only one person at a time, putting their all into it, and then if it didn't work moving on, but that wasn't for me. I also got a chance to acknowledge that some people use the dating site for hookups, which is also perfectly legit, but not what I'm doing. Have not yet heard back from him, I get the impression he is looking for a 'just add water' packaged relationship and wouldn't hold up with casual above-board dating over the long haul precisely because he will become involved with the first woman who is willing, for the sake of having a relationship with a physical fix. I honestly don't see why someone I meet on a dating site and go out on a date with would warrant a commitment from me right away, or even think that they were entitled to one. Yikes! 

Even the guy I am crazy about, I would actually like him to date others because if he picks me, I want him to know for sure, and in order for him to know for sure, it kind of requires dating other women. Especially ones who are quick to commit. I told him to be leery of people who are too accommodating and too 'perfect' that if things go along smoothly and according to script, something isn't right and it will eventually blow, i.e. codependency, failure to exist in reality, too many personal sacrifices for the sake of a sure thing that will come back and bit someone's a**. Which I think is what he's been experiencing (a little birdy told me?) Actually he said to me that he usually gets what he wants. I think I'm probably the first woman who has said hold on I have a much better way of getting what I want, because what I want is the entire package, for the long term, so I am not going to allow anything to mess that up. I even told him I was apparently crazy about him (and that's a rare thing for me, very) but that didn't mean I was going to let things get out of hand. I think he has been used to overly submissive women, he gets what he wants initially, but then finds that it's mostly face value. The women expect that pursuit phase indefinitely, and things fall apart in day to day reality (i.e. with kids and work involved...) I'm like, hey, this pursuit is really fun, let's prolong it a while, no hurries, because it only comes along once in any relationship. Once you do commit, there are a lot of serious responsibilities involved, but by that point you know your partner well enough to deal with the day to day realities and really look out for them emotionally as well as physically, and you know that they are worth all that. Of course, maybe you know all this from the very first impression, but it's still a good thing to give a relationship the time it deserves to have its own growth curve. Shock trauma relationships are not my style, i.e. going from meeting to sleeping together to moving in together, lol. Even if you suspect that will be the outcome, a long term relationship, it doesn't pay to get ahead of oneself. There is a process that can be enjoyed and respected.


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