# I am so Confused



## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

I haven't posted here in a while, I haven't really needed to. But now I am an emotional wreck, and hoping someone can help me figure this out. First a little background:

Married 5 years, together for almost 10. 2 children 10yo & 18 month old. Wife has had problems with depression and anxiety off and on for most of our marriage. We both cheated several years ago, and we thought that we recovered from it.
Last summer we seperated for approx 3 months. Got back together for about 6 months. She moved out almost 4 months ago, I filled for divorce within a week of her leaving.

I was doing fine without her, and in alot of ways was glad that she was gone. I knew that I would always have some love for her, but I accepted that, and I wasn't 'in love' with her, and had not been for some time.

This weekend something happened. We took our child to the DR together, and everything was civil between us. We ended up talking for a long while after the Dr appointment, and somehow, I don't know how to better describe it, but we fell in love with each other again.

I have talked to her alot about this and we are both in the same place, we both feel the same. My heart tells me that I love her, but my mind tells me to run. I just don't know how I can have such strong feeleings for some one who has hurt me so many times.

I don't know if I should just cut my loses and go on with my life, or if I should follow my heart and try one more time to save our marriage.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oh man, I have to tell you that only you will be able to answer that. I can't imagine what that would be like for me, I would be torn. I guess if I can offer some comments, they would be for both of you to set some boundaries. I don't know your situation but you need to communicate clearly and on what it was the split you apart to begin with and discuss how you have BOTH changed yourselves so you don't fall into that same trap again. I would think that if you are both finding each other again (which is great) that you will be able to better handle being together point forward. No matter what you decide, change will happen. I don't think you would want to go back to what made you divore in the first place so in essence, both of you are probably new people - so you could follow your heart if you feel like, not ONLY YOU has changed, but she can show that she has too. Another thing to ask yourself, and be honest to yourself, is - I am happier where I am right now being on my own. Life is a lot about taking chances - where do you feel you have the best chance to be happy? Do I really feel like I am fulfilling my needs on my own. OK, I am just ranting on here so that's how I would look at it.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

I'm with B-Light. You've gotta make the call. But I personally think mommy's and daddy's owe it to their children to make sure they've done everything humanly possible to keep the family together. I also beleive that if two people (IMPORTANT HERE TO RECOGNIZE THAT THIS REQUIRES EFFORT BY BOTH PARTIES) want to make it work and are both willing to do everything on their OWN part to make it work... It will generally work quite well.

I'm nearly three months into separation. I can only PRAY that I get the opportunity you have to try one more time...


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Thanks for the responses. I know that I'm the only one that can make the call, and of course she has to be on board as well. 
This has happened before, we seperated, got back together, and split again. I'm just having a hard time figuring out what when be different this time. What can we do differently, that we haven't done before. How many times can I allow myself to be hurt by her before I finally break? When do I say enough is enough and give up.
I know that we owe it to our kids to try to make it work. An intact familly is the best scenario for the children, but having divorced parents is better than living in an unhappy household.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Without knowing all the intricate details its hard to say what might or might not need to happen. But when you say "having divorced parents is better than living in an uphappy household" are you saying that is better for the kids or you? My wife has made the same statement and honestly (don't take this personal) but its a cop-out thing to say. Of course it depends on your definition of "unhappy." If there is abuse or the kids are in danger then yes. But if you want out so bad that you're trying to justify it with such logic then leave. But I don't think its even rational to say that the kids would be better off with divorced parents than having an unhappy household. There are lots of things that go along with divorce that will create plenty of unhappiness for the kids (new spouses, having to shuffle back and fourth, feeling like they have to "choose", etc...). There is nothing happy about it. And suppose you two can get some counseling and can both accept what needs to happen. Wouldn't another year or two of YOU being miserable be worth protecting your kids from the eminent destruction of divorce?

Not trying to beat you up here. But I am a child of a broken family. Both my parents have been married two other times since then. Do you think that was happier for me than if they just stuck it out? Even if they did have some issues? As long as you keep your issues between you and your spouse and don't let the kids see the tension then its probably not affecting them as much as you think. Thats why when people make that comment i have to wonder if they are talking about the happiness of the children or of themselves.

But like I said, I don't know all your details. Its a sore subject for me because my wife has made the same comment even though I would argue that our household has NEVER been that unhappy. We have some communication issues that make her feel stepped on. The kids don't see that. I'm quite against divorce. So what if you guys have separated before. My wife has threatened to leave several other times before. This is the first time she is actually doing it. Doesn't mean I wouldn't take her back in a second. I vowed for better or worse. This is worse. I have every right to hate her right now and know it would be MUCH easier if I just cut the rope and moved on. I didn't sign on just to take the easy road when it got too tough. If thats what she does then I can't stop her.

Try some things. Go to counseling for yourself if she won't go. find what made your relationship special when you met. Make her feel special. If she suffers depression/anxiety maybe she needs medicated.

But I get the impression from your initial post that you want out. I can't really relate so my advice may not be helpful. Many people on here would probably tell you that your own happiness is worth ending it. Do what you gotta do.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

We don't know the specifics of your marriage, or why you had problems. It's your call. But I will tell you that I have this guy friend, and he specifically moved away from his ex because he knew the relationship was bad, and that if he had stayed around her he would have fallen in love with her again and they'd reconcile and he knew that wasn't the best thing. I think people can fall in and out of love all the time. But at this point, does the good outweigh the bad?


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

My mom always says that the reason people are able to get back together after a period of time apart (John & Kate, anyone?) is simply that they leave each other long enough to emotionally detatch from all the bad things that have happened. Is this necessarily a bad thing? Of course not, people can grow and change and sometimes things really are worth a shot. But is it reliable? That is for only you to decide. And if your head is telling you to run, then...I would be extremely wary. Especially with the history of cheating, break up and make up, etc. Those things smack of toxicity.

At the very least, you can both channel those warm and fuzzy feelings about each other into a caring co-parenting relationship that will greatly benefit your children. And that is a guaranteed win for all!


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Broken1, you not beating me up, just giving me an honest opinion and I appreciate that. I guess what I was trying to say is that once the tension in the house gets so bad that you can't hide it from the kids, it's not healthy for them. I agree that divorce is a terrible thing for children, but so is living in a house where they see there parents not getting along.

By the way, I don't want out, but I don't want things to stay the same either. If we were to try to reconcile alot of things would have to change.

I am actually considering going ahead with the divorce, and then see if we can work things out, then maybe down the road we could remarry if we so decided. How bad does that sound?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

seperated&confused said:


> Broken1, you not beating me up, just giving me an honest opinion and I appreciate that. I guess what I was trying to say is that once the tension in the house gets so bad that you can't hide it from the kids, it's not healthy for them. I agree that divorce is a terrible thing for children, but so is living in a house where they see there parents not getting along.
> 
> By the way, I don't want out, but I don't want things to stay the same either. If we were to try to reconcile alot of things would have to change.
> 
> I am actually considering going ahead with the divorce, and then see if we can work things out, then maybe down the road we could remarry if we so decided. How bad does that sound?


A lot of people do that. However, a divorce is not something to take lightly, it takes a huge toll on you emotionally and financially. Have you read Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner? Talks a lot about changing the dynamics. I agree that you are stuck in a conundrum where things can't change. Well, figure out a way to change them! Marriage counseling? Workshops? Videos? Audios? Look into it before throwing in the towel, especially if your heart is still in it.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> A lot of people do that. However, a divorce is not something to take lightly, it takes a huge toll on you emotionally and financially. Have you read Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner? Talks a lot about changing the dynamics. I agree that you are stuck in a conundrum where things can't change. Well, figure out a way to change them! Marriage counseling? Workshops? Videos? Audios? Look into it before throwing in the towel, especially if your heart is still in it.


:iagree:

Yes, all im saying is you should never question whether or not you did everything possible. Sure, sometimes I suppose situations can get to a point beyond reconciliation. I don't get the feeling its too late for you though... Unless you've already decided that it is. And if you think divorcing is the best "wake up call" then be prepared for it to blow up in your face. If you're hoping divorce would fix things so you can be back together again then go into it expecting that NOT to happen.

Marriage is work. it might seem impossible for your dynamic to change. But if you really want it to, divorce is not the way to make it happen in my opinion. I think that's what I'm dealing with right now. She has taken control and feels previous attempts to change our dynamic have been futile. So now she's forcing my attention. Not healthy though. I pretty much just have to go along with it and show her what she wants to see. But its wrong. And a lot of men less loving and understanding than me would've probably already told her to f-off!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I love DR. So much. 



seperated&confused said:


> What can we do differently, that we haven't done before.


As her, ask yourself. Get counselling.




seperated&confused said:


> How many times can I allow myself to be hurt by her before I finally break? When do I say enough is enough and give up..


Only you can answer this, but you can pose the question to her or comment saying "I feel really hurt when you did x,y,z and I want you to know and that" and list what it'd take to make it better. Also, listen to what she says.

Listen, validate, work on it. 
It takes two though. So you both have to want it.

Some couples split and get back together and are happier. They find the ways to make it work.

Some couples split, get back, and split again. It doesn't work for them.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

The problem is, we are already in the middle of a divorce, otherwise I wouldn't be looking at this option. I had to borrow alot of money to pay my Attorney, and if this happens again in 6 months I probably won't have the resources to get another attorney. Also in my state we haven't been married long enough for alimony to be a concern, but if this goes on much longer it will be.

I want her to come home, but I don't trust it to last. I want it to last but I'm not sure if it will. I don't want to deal with all of this again.

A few of you have mentioned that you don't know the details of our maritial problems so I'll give a quick explanation.

My wife has some mild depression and anxiety problems. This has contributed to our problems but I think it can be managed. There was some infidelity, on both of our parts, several years back. Financial problems, and stress from outside of our marriage took a toll on us as well. The biggest thing was the breakdown in communication. Once we were unable to communicate effectively, things started falling apart.


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