# Getting Mixed Messages



## birdie11 (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello
I'm new to the site and looking for some advice. I hope this is the appropriate forum for my situation. My DH recently said the cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and said he wants to separate and is looking to divorce me. He first mentioned he was unhappy almost a year ago and we agreed to work on the marriage (on our own) and I thought we were making progress but apparently he did not and emotionally checked out months ago. During that time he engaged in a affair and says he has feelings for the OW and he wants to see what's there although he is no longer seeing her until we're officially separated. He said he resents me and has no feelings for me and can't ever see it changing. We are still living together because I am not in the position to live on my own yet and he said he would stick by me until I was able to get on my feet. Even though I've had my heart broken by all of this I don't want a separation or divorce and have been trying to save our marriage while we are still under one roof by understanding where I have gone wrong and trying to make changes in how I treat him plus I'm making a lot of personal growth. I didn't really understand the root of the issues until he finally truly opened up to me after he requested the separation, before that I only saw what was on the surface which is why I think our "trying" before did not work. I'm seeing a counselor and he has seen one on his own also. The thing is he is giving me mixed messages. He still calls me often throughout the day to check in and chat, we still share a bed, he is affectionate and intimate, we have plans for a small family vacation coming up (that was planned after he said he wants out), we still hang out together at home and sometimes it goes days without separation being mentioned, and sometimes when he does mention separating he mentions things like "if I change my mind after we've separated..." like he may not be sure, we get along fine (but we always have), and he's even complimented me more often than he has in quite some time since I've been trying to make changes. Based on this should I continue to move towards a separation that I don't want or should I try to wait it out and see? I don't want him to hate me for not progressing things quickly enough but he does not act like he's chomping at the bit to get rid of me so I don't want to rush it if we have a chance. Do you think actions speak louder than words in this case? Should I buy as much time as I can or should I hold my head high and move on as quickly as possible? I have a feeling that he wants two things at one time, me and her, and that may be why he's acting the way he is. Of course if we stay married he won't be allowed to have both. My thoughts are I have the homefield advantage as long as I don't make things worse and push him away further or jump into the separation so he has easy access to her so I should buy my time.
Thank you.
Birdie


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

First, I have a hard time believing he is not seeing or communicating with the other woman in some fashion. The separation will make it easier for him to see her but he's definitely in contact with her.

Second, even if you had issues that contributed to things, he has to completely give up the other woman. The other woman will win every time because she's fun and games and you are serious and come with the real-life problems that come with a real-life relationship.

So, my advice would be to tell him what exactly you've come to realize about yourself, what he can expect from your new personal growth, and that he has to make a decision - her or you. Don't wait around and give him time. Make him understand it has to be one or the other and give him a time frame to make the decision. And make sure he understands that if he waffles between her and you, you are going to assume he picks her and move on.


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## birdie11 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thanks for your opinion. He already has made his decision verbally, but his actions don't reflect it and it will still be several weeks before we can physically be separated. I guess what I really wanted to know is if there seems like there is any hope based on his actions, but by your reply you don't seem to believe so? You don't think the spark and love in a marriage can be restored in a situation like mine? I really don't know which is why I posted. With all due respect though I do have to say that I don't think that the OW always wins, I have to disagree with you there because I know of cases where they have not. I am already aware that he probably is still communicating with her since he said he intends on ending things with me (and when I ask he tells me if he's spoken to her, but I haven't asked in a couple of weeks), and I would certainly demand he stop if he changed his mind and he knows that, but I don't feel like I have the right to demand anything of him at the moment because I don't feel like he's "mine" and pushing anything is a sure way to push him to her faster. I know to some I sound crazy and like I'm letting him have his cake and eat it to, but I don't take my vows lightly, even if he broke his. If there is a speck of hope that he could change his mind than I will run with it and try to make it work because if this marriage ends I won't have any regrets about not trying everything I could to save it. Perhaps I just need to metally prepare myself though and listen to his words and not analyze his actions (that's what I mean by moving on as I'm in no rush to move on to a new place or person). Thanks again.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Actually I do believe that you could restore things but the key is that he must give up the other woman.

The other woman is a fantasy who has not had time to show her flaws and therefore is pretty perfect in his eyes. He's in the so-called "fog" and can't understand this, so he sees little of your good qualities and much of the bad, compared to the other woman's perfection.

However, he still enjoys being with you, as evidenced by his slow pace. Heck, he's got two women right where he wants them. The OW thinks she's winning so she's not going to rock the boat... you don't want to rock the boat so you don't push anything... and he's got the best of you both. Must be nice.

So the thinking is that he must get out of the "fog" to restore the love for you.

You can't make him do that; you can, however, make it uncomfortable for him to have both of you and force a choice. You can tell him he's got 48 hours to give up the OW and work on the marriage, or go be with her and you are through. He'll have to make a choice, and then you know where you stand.


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