# Unsure About Confronting - What I Will Think After



## Concerned_Brewer (Nov 20, 2012)

Hello all, sorry to be here, but glad I found a support community.

The history:
Three months ago, I found out my wife was carrying on some type of emotional affair with someone from a bar we used to frequent. I found a few text messages on her phone that she subsequently deleted and then saw a few more after I started occasionally checking her phone. She "disguised" the contact name on her phone using a woman's name, so I know that she knew what she was doing crossed the line.

The texts were never sexual, but did cross the line and this other guy really started to lay on the charm. What finally made the situation blow up was a text my wife sent while drunk (I was in bed) to this person, inviting them to come stay at our house when I was out of town visiting family. After going out of with disbelief for a day, I confronted her with what I had seen. At first, she tried to deny it, but when I start reciting the texts, word for word, she broke and and admitted that she had been engaging in some "inappropriate flirting", but that it had not gotten physical.

I told her that she needed to break things off immediately and not talk to or see this person again. These were my terms if we had a chance of moving past this. She agreed and a few days later, confirmed that she had broken things off. Or so I thought.

Fast forward a month, and I see another middle of the night, drunk message from her to this person wanting to get a hold of them. I came home in a rage to confront her only for her to tell me that the person had friended her on Facebook and that she wanted to get them to unfriend so that it wouldn't seem inappropriate. I point out that she still had this person's contact number in her phone, which she blew off as just forgetting to delete it. She then turned the tables on me saying I was blowing this out of proportion, basically trying to turn the tables on me. Since I did want to stay together, I gave ground, apologized for being so upset and we started to reconcile once more. 

Well, she now has a new string of text messages with another contact and phone number that I believe is still the same person. This person says that they love my wife, that she is their heart and that they hope to be hers one day as well. Additionally, I know that they have met at LEAST three times in person and once my wife left the house (again drunk) and spent the night at this person's house. 


The part I play in this whole drama is a husband whole is not always emotionally available, can be closed off when it comes to my feelings and is battling a problem with alcohol. I'm currently working through a recovery program to alcohol and considering counseling for my other issues. I admit that I am not blameless in the sequence of events that has brought us to this point, but I made it explicitly clear many times before we were married and after that a fundamentally deal breaker for our marriage would be infidelity from either one of us. At the time I was thinking of the physical aspect, but now I'm confronted with an emotional affair that completely baffles me.

I do love my wife. I do want to stay together and have us both work on our issues so that we can have a successful life long marriage, but I'm at a loss now as how to proceed. My wife is not ending the affair on her own and I don't know how to confront her without it bringing up that I'm still peeking at her conversations. I feel like that situation would put the both of us in a position of no trust in each other. I've thought about trying to get some hard proof that didn't involve messages from her phone, but I still can't imaging playing private investigator and having the situation work out.

Additionally, I'm afraid of what happens after I confront her. Will she continue to deny it, even though I know the truth? Will she admit it and say she can't stop? Will she promise to break off the relationship once and far all? 

Will I ever be able to trust her again? This is what is paining me most of all. If you got all the way down here, I'm not sure what question I'm really asking. It feels good and terrible to actually type all this out and know I am meeting up with my wife in 30 minutes to go back to our home and prepare for a family Thanksgiving.

What the hell do I do now?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Concerned_Brewer said:


> I am meeting up with my wife in 30 minutes to go back to our home and prepare for a family Thanksgiving.
> 
> What the hell do I do now?


Put some condoms inside the turkey, then while in the kitchen with your wife, suddenly pull them out, and hand them to her and tell her to make sure she uses them the next time she's with OM so you don't catch anything.

Better yet, throw divorce papers inside there as well.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

What you need to do now is breathe, man. You need to understand something big though, and it is gonna definitely come as a shock to you. The programs that are there for addicts of anything typically shame and guilt you into recovery. THAT is why you immediately take the blame for not being there emotionally.

Bullsnot! THAT is the reason SHE should have been there. Remember that whole "better or worse" part? Yeah, that plays a role in this, too and your wife is the one who made the choice to step outside the marriage. YOU did nothing. SHE did everything. Don't ever justify for her because you are in and out of recovery. If she's that f'ng upset about it then she shoulda left you a long time ago.

As far as what to do...well, brother...that's your call. You've already got the evidence that she's been doing crap behind your back - aka an AFFAIR! Do you need more evidence or would ya rather just sweep this under the rug and see who gets the biggest part of the wishbone?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oh...also, if she f'ng cared one bit about you being in recovery for alcoholism then why in theeee f*ck does she go out and get drunk?!!


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## Concerned_Brewer (Nov 20, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> What you need to do now is breathe, man. You need to understand something big though, and it is gonna definitely come as a shock to you. The programs that are there for addicts of anything typically shame and guilt you into recovery. THAT is why you immediately take the blame for not being there emotionally.
> 
> Bullsnot! THAT is the reason SHE should have been there. Remember that whole "better or worse" part? Yeah, that plays a role in this, too and your wife is the one who made the choice to step outside the marriage. YOU did nothing. SHE did everything. Don't ever justify for her because you are in and out of recovery. If she's that f'ng upset about it then she shoulda left you a long time ago.
> 
> As far as what to do...well, brother...that's your call. You've already got the evidence that she's been doing crap behind your back - aka an AFFAIR! Do you need more evidence or would ya rather just sweep this under the rug and see who gets the biggest part of the wishbone?





SomedayDig said:


> Oh...also, if she f'ng cared one bit about you being in recovery for alcoholism then why in theeee f*ck does she go out and get drunk?!!


I guess I'm just in shock at this point. 
She says that she wants to support though my recovery program, but I'm not sure anymore if that's true. The last time I slipped up (passed out and she spent the night with the OM), she gave me an ultimatum that I make it work or we didn't work. 

Even after all of this, it's hard to come to the point of wanting to leave her. I feel like our three years of marriage hasn't even scratched the surface and now I'm not sure what's under there.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You have to shelve your fear of how she'll react. You are trying to protect and preserve your marriage. She's trying to destroy it. So the issue of 'trust' has already been forfitted by her. 

If she doesn't value your marriage there's not much you can do. She has free will and is free to exercise it. But so do you. She's introduced another man into your marriage and wants to keep him there. Next to you but hidden from you. 

Tell her all this. Tell her you didnt sign up for that and arent afraid to pack her bags for her if she doesnt have the courage or integtity to do it.

Expose this guy to his SO but dont tell her about doing it. 

You'll know soon enough if she wants to recommit to the marriage.


Dont let her change the subject. "Im dealing with this issue and only with this issue. Until it is resolved there will be no discussions about anything else. None at all, its that important to me"


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

CB...it sounds like you need time away from this chick. You need to take care of YOU cuz she sure as hell ain't helping you in the least.

I think you need to tell her Turkey Day ain't a go this year and let her know that you know about the texts. NEVER tell how or where you got the info. Period. No matter how many times she asks. It doesn't matter. You have the info and that's that.

Let her know that she can find a place to sleep tomorrow and maybe even be a good husband and offer to take her to the OM's house. 

She's royally f*cked you over, brother. Sorry that this crap happened. Especially on a f'ng holiday.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Concerned_Brewer said:


> This person says that they love my wife, that she is their heart and that they hope to be hers one day as well. Additionally, I know that they have *met at LEAST three times in person *and once my wife left the house (again drunk) and *spent the night at this person's house*.
> 
> now I'm confronted with *an emotional affair *that completely baffles me.
> 
> What the hell do I do now?


This is a physical affair. Your wife had sex with the other man. This is just about 100% guaranteed. If you can't see that, if you believe your wife when she tells you she never slept with him, if you can't see that the overwhelming probability, actually just about a certainty, is that your wife had sex with the other man, then my opinion is that you lack the ability to deal with this effectively to save your marriage.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife seems like she shares your alcohol problem. Maybe not the same degree as you, but still enough to be considered a serious drinking problem - gets drunk on a regular basis, does things, then later blames it on drinking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did your wife tell you you were an alcoholic, by some chance? Did she point to your problems and suggest, nay, demand, you get help?

Your wife the drunk, that is? The one who has inappropriate relationships with OM when in her cups?


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Concerned_Brewer said:


> I guess I'm just in shock at this point.
> She says that she wants to support though my recovery program, but I'm not sure anymore if that's true. The last time I slipped up (passed out and she spent the night with the OM), she gave me an ultimatum that I make it work or we didn't work.
> 
> Even after all of this, it's hard to come to the point of wanting to leave her. I feel like our three years of marriage hasn't even scratched the surface and now I'm not sure what's under there.


She's issuing ultimatums and taking strange dyck on the side. Do you see what is wrong with this? Hint: you should be the ine to iszue ultimatums.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Concerned_Brewer said:


> Hello all, sorry to be here, but glad I found a support community.
> 
> The history:
> Three months ago, I found out my wife was carrying on some type of emotional affair with someone from a bar we used to frequent. I found a few text messages on her phone that she subsequently deleted and then saw a few more after I started occasionally checking her phone. She "disguised" the contact name on her phone using a woman's name, so I know that she knew what she was doing crossed the line.
> ...


Question: have you exposed your own alcoholism or is it held over your head with you feeling shame for your dirty secret?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wow. It's pretty clear she has zero respect for you. About the only chance you have for a real reconciliation is if you kick her to the curb. Right now, YOU are chasing HER which is the complete opposite of what should be happening. She has zero remorse and you're following her around like a puppy dog. Of course she's going after other men. Think about it. But if you man up and boot her out, there's a chance (the only one you have) that she'll start chasing you. But she has to start feeling regret and remorse or it'll never happen.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your drinking is not the reason your wife is cheating.

She is cheating because she chose to.

if your drinking was bothering her like she says, she herself wouldn't be drinking.

So this isn't about drinking.

Your wife never stopped contact. She simply took it underground and escallated the affair. It's very possible it was already a full blown physical affair the first time you confronted her.

What you've live through since then has been her deliverately hiding it and lying to you so she can have sex with this guy.

what to do?

Obviously confronting her is a total waste of time. 

you need to expose the OM and her.

Is the OM married? Does he have a GF?

Expose your wife to friends and family - she's cheating, you've repeatedly called her on it and she won't stop. Time for going nuclear on her.

This isn't about hurting her or ending your marriage. This is entirely about making the affair impossible to continue like she has been doing. It's about bringing to bear friends and family.

Exposing to the OM gf/wife is all about taking him out of the picture. Getting him to be worried about saving his own butt instead of chasing you wife.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What happens if you confront her? You've confronted her multiple times. You already know what happens. She continues her course of action. Your displeasure has no effect. Your anger has no effect. Her thoughts are with some other dude but her body is hanging out with you (at least until you go out of town). The real question, it seems to me, is "what are you willing to tolerate?" It doesn't really matter if you love her. One person feeling love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Does she value her relationship with you more than whatever she's getting from Mr. Textman? The only way to know is to force a decision. She either needs to be committed to marriage or committed to leaving. By the same token, if you care more about alcohol than your marriage, you aren't very committed, either. Her flirting (or whatever it is) is an escape and so is your drinking. It's hard to expect more from her than you're willing to give.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - At this point it's clear your wife is going to use any excuse she can to go spend the night with him. Do not let her do this. 

you have to be prepared to kick her out and file if she does again. It's unacceptable beyond belief that she thinks it's ok to sleep at his house, have sex, and come home the next morning without guilt and expect you to take her back in.

Expose this ugly affair.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Concerned_Brewer said:


> My wife is not ending the affair on her own and I don't know how to confront her without it bringing up that I'm still peeking at her conversations.
> 
> Additionally, I'm afraid of what happens after I confront her. Will she continue to deny it, even though I know the truth? Will she admit it and say she can't stop? Will she promise to break off the relationship once and far all?
> 
> What the hell do I do now?


There are no guarantees you can save your marriage. If you do nothing, you almost definitely will lose your marriage. I don't know how egregious or long your drunken behavior has been, how long it's gone on, how much pain and embarrassment your wife has felt from it, and how she feels in regard to it. I assume you are on the last straw with her.

That still does not mean you should tolerate her cheating on you. Have a talk with your wife. Stay calm. Do not cry, plead, or beg. Tell her how much you love her, how hard you are working at staying straight, and how you are making progress, even though you have relapsed, you've gotten right back on track and you will never give up. Tell her you will work to improve yourself and improve your marriage.

Then tell her that, even though you love her and you will work hard to improve yourself and your marriage, you cannot stay married to her if she continues to carry on an affair, emotional or otherwise. Tell her you KNOW she is still in contact with other man. Do not tell her how you know, just tell her you KNOW. Tell her she has 15 minutes to choose you and the marriage or choose him. Tell her that if she refuses to make a choice, that will be paramount to her choosing other man over you.

If your wife chooses you, then tell her your conditions for reconciling. (1) She handwrites a no contact letter to the other man; (2) She gives you passwords to all accounts and communication devices; (3) She tells you the full truth about the affair, writes out a timeline for you of when it started, when it became inappropriate, all details of their contact, and the extent of their physical romance. Tell her that if the story doesn't make sense to you, you want her to take a polygraph.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her, only yourself, and what you are willing to accept and not accept in a marriage. And you definitely are not going to accept her having an affair with another man.

Tell your wife that there is no place for secrecy in a marriage. Privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy. What could she be sharing with other people that shouldn't be shared with her husband - only things related to cheating on you or disrespecting you.

If your wife doesn't choose you or won't agree to those conditions, proceed with divorce. Divorce is a long process, you can stop it if she changes her mind. Call up your and her family and close friends and let them know your wife is having an affair, tell them with whom, and ask for their support to save your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are doing this.

Does other man have a wife or girlfriend? If so, expose the affair to her. Let her know that other man is pursuing your wife and calling her his soulmate.

No matter what you do, stay calm, cool, and confident that you will be OK without her. Do not cry, beg, or plead. Be strong and firm. Don't waver. Tell her you would like to go on with her, but not at the cost of your dignity and self-respect.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One more thing - your wife is sleeping with another man. Stop worrying about getting caught looking at her conversations!

There is nothing wrong with you do that. There is everything wrong with her having sex with another guy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I don't care if you emotionally neglectful or a wife beater... I really don't. If You want to stop drinking you do it for your self, if you want to stop working at a dead end job you quit and get another job....these are the things you do for your self.

We want and diserve good things.

If you are in a crappy marriage your get out of it...again something you do for your self. We all deserve good things.

This isn't about your wife so don't make it about her, but make it about your self and what you diserve and you my friend diserve good things.

So confronting your wife is not about her , but wanting to have a good life, and she is more then welcome to join you or not, you can't control her but you can control what you will tolorate and what your diserve out of life. It will alway be up to you to join you

So please have the confidence to show your wife you will not control her, you will not tolorate her behavior and you will find the good things in llife with or with out her. Now set your boundries for your self...the wall that will protect you from more emotional pain she causes you and the consequence she will face when thise boundries are crossed.


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