# Needing Advice About Sex



## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Well, my story is kinda complicated, but I'll try to make it brief. Basically what it boils down to for me is, sex hurts. That is to say penetration hurts. It's just painful. I can get an orgasm without it, and prefer that. My wonderful husband of 11 years is the absolute most patient and loving person I know. How many other men would tolerate not being able to have normal sex? We stimulate each other to orgasm and that's how we've accepted things. I recently found myself wanting more though. I want excitement and passion. When we have "sex" it's always the same. I want to know the pleasure of doing something wild. How can I make this happen? We have limits. I live in a trailer and have a 13 yo daughter in the house. We do not do the spend the night at friends thing so she is always here. I have tried seeing a Dr. and I'm told there is nothing wrong with me. She gave me these hard plastic things that I'm supposed to insert into myself, but that doesn't work. No pain at all with them, just when he tries to go in.  I can tolerate one finger, but when he tries to use two, the pain starts. FORGET about him using his penis!! That sends me through the roof in pain!! Very few times in our marriage have I actually been able to handle it, and I can't say he's done anything different to allow me to be able to handle it. We've tried lubrication. That doesn't work. I also have a hard time getting turned on without fantasizing about being spanked. He doesn't like to spank me, and we can't try that anyway because of my daughter being in the house, but I want to be turned on WITHOUT the fantasy. Gosh, I said I was going to keep this brief, but I didn't manage to do that. Maybe someone can make some sense of this post and offer me some suggestions. TIA for any advice.


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

150 views, no advice. I'm starting to feel embarrassed about this post. I am, obviously, new to this forum and perhaps I misunderstood what was and wasn't acceptable?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I had a problem with painful intercourse for a year. Two doctors told me that nothing was wrong. When I got pregnant with my second I had to find a new dr. because the other one was not an OB. Turns out I had "irritated tissue" that would have be surgically corrected if childbirth did not fix it. 

If you are still having pain, please keep pushing the Dr for answers. You would be surprised how often they make mistakes about issues. Sometimes because they have never seen or dealt with the issue before.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

No, it's an acceptable question - I imagine no one knows what to day.

You've seen a doctor, the plastic doesn't hurt but he does, yet you tried lubricants. Have you been tested for STDs or infections? Yeast infections can cause severe discomfort.

That's all of the advice we would give you. Why don't you allow sleepovers? I have a 13 y/o who spends the night with friends. I know the friends, they know my rules, etc. What about family? A tent, the car, etc once she's soundly asleep? A vacation/hotel?

I'm wondering if you've come to expect the pain and tense up. Have you tried sex toys? Do they hurt? 

Have you tried different positions? I would guess some are better than others.

How about slow entry - one finger, spanking, two... whatever it takes for you to be really turned on would likely relax you and might help.

If your husband knew that really turned you on and let you relax enough I guarantee he'd be willing.

Sorry, I can tell this is difficult for you.


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Thanks for the words. Yes, VERY difficult. 

It's not an STD or yeast infection. The problem has been there for years. 

I've had two children and a hysterectomy. Shouldn't the Dr. have noticed something? Neither child was born of a vaginal birth, so perhaps not. 

No other family. Hotels are fine every once in a while, but I'm looking for something ongoing.

He is very patient and he does go slow, one finger at a time, etc. When we try to do it right, he tries to go in VERY slow, stop and let me breathe, try to go in further, etc., etc. The times he can get in all the way, he can't really move because it hurts so much! I honestly don't know how I've managed to conceive two children!


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Oh, and I don't really know how to try "other" positions. I'm 39, 5'5" and 160 lbs. he's 47, 5'8" and 180 lbs. we're not exactly "flexible". lol


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Have tried a glass of wine before hand? Advil? Muscle relaxants?

Positions, have you tried spooning? Being yours sides there no weight issue and it can be done slowly.

Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not to be crude but have you thought about Anal sex? Probably better for him but since you like a little pain.........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I'd say it's time for a second and third opinion. Something is definitely wrong.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Forgo doggy style and missionary position, deep penetration obviously is not
For you at this juncture. 

Has your husband been your only lover?
If not was penetration always painful?

Is the pain enternal or external? 

If inside try exploring yourself to find exact source of pain.

If external might I suggest a gentle daily stretching or massage of your perineum, since you have not
had a vaginal birth this may not have been brought up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Not to be crude but have you thought about Anal sex? Probably better for him but since you like a little pain.........
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all interested in that! Pain is the ISSUE, why on earth would I want it to hurt more!?? Unless you are talking about the spanking fantasies, but that's an ENTIRELY different ball game.


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Michie said:


> Forgo doggy style and missionary position, deep penetration obviously is not
> For you at this juncture.
> 
> Has your husband been your only lover?
> ...


External, and no he's not the only one with which I experienced pain. It was painful with my first husband as well (my children's father). He was not so patient though and just pushed his way through. We didn't have a very active sex life, needless to say. I have no clue what you mean by "daily stretching or massage of your perineum".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Is your husband large? 



are you on hormone replacement therapy? do you still have your overies?


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I'd say it's time for a second and third opinion. Something is definitely wrong.


I have actually.  They've all told me the same thing, nothing wrong.


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Is your husband large?
> 
> 
> 
> are you on hormone replacement therapy? do you still have your overies?


I had the prob. WAY before the hysterectomy but yes, I do still have them. I have only been with a few men so I don't really have much to compare, but I'd say he's prob. average?


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

cowgirl.at.heart said:


> External, and no he's not the only one with which I experienced pain. It was painful with my first husband as well (my children's father). He was not so patient though and just pushed his way through. We didn't have a very active sex life, needless to say. I have no clue what you mean by "daily stretching or massage of your perineum".



Ok well have you heard your mother or girlfriends talking about getting stitched up after vaginal birth?

The part that gets stitched is your perineum. When I was planning a home birth 
with my first son we had to do daily stretching and massages of that area to lessen
the chances of tearing.

So everyday with a bit of right out grocery store olive oil I massaged and stretched gently, everyday for the last 8 weeks.

Google the perineum massage, hey it might at least lead you down the road to discovering what is causing the pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

As you've seen your doctor about this, and he/she found nothing wrong, it sounds like you could be suffering from Vaginismus, a condition where a woman involuntarily tenses up her pelvic floor muscles making penetration painful and/or impossible. (I've experienced this, so have a good idea what you're talking ahout!)

There could be a variety of reasons for this (for example you mention privacy problems), but it would appear that learning to relax completely whilst having sex is vital.

Here's a link that you might find useful, OP:-

Home - Vaginismus.com


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> As you've seen your doctor about this, and he/she found nothing wrong, it sounds like you could be suffering from Vaginismus, a condition where a woman involuntarily tenses up her pelvic floor muscles making penetration painful and/or impossible. (I've experienced this, so have a good idea what you're talking ahout!)
> 
> There could be a variety of reasons for this (for example you mention privacy problems), but it would appear that learning to relax completely whilst having sex is vital.
> 
> ...



THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! :smthumbup: THIS is my issue! I do have those black plastic things that come in the "kit" already though. Those are what the Dr. gave me, but like I said, they don't hurt. I'm going to do some more research on this disorder though and I am so glad to FINALLY hear I am not the only person in the world with this issue!!!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I can understand the dialators not being a problem, but penetration is. You have total control when inserting them, so the fear of pain isn't there to make you tense up. Once you manage one or two successes with your partner, I think you'll find the problem will disappear. By the sounds of things, a weekend away for just you and your partner could be the answer...

Here's another link:- http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/sexlife/vaginismus.htm


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Nice call Cosmo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Update: (already)

So, I now have a name for the problem, but it looks like fixing it isn't going to be so easy. My husband does not believe in therapy and from what I'm reading, that's what I will need to get past this issue.  He also found it very amusing that I wanted more "passion" in our relationship. He says he doesn't know what I mean by that and laughed at me for bringing it up. I'm just going to have to learn to be content with the way it is. I can do that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Well, whether he "believes" in therapy or not, OP, it's your body and you have a right to try to fix something as bothersome as this. I'd talk to him some more, telling him how important this is to YOU.


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Well, whether he "believes" in therapy or not, OP, it's your body and you have a right to try to fix something as bothersome as this. I'd talk to him some more, telling him how important this is to YOU.


Thanks for the advice cosmos, however I will have to respect him on this one. It is a religious thing for him and he is more than willing to do without for my sake. He is content to continue the way we are, so I will have to learn to be as well. It's not really fair for me to want him to change after 11 years just because I have. I've already done that by finding my inner cowgirl! LOL Thanks so much for helping me figure this out!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is an ass. Can you go to therapy without him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I would suggest finding some toys that are about the same size as what your Dr. gave you and let your husband use them on you. As for anal, it honestly doesn't hurt that bad. The first time you try it might hurt a little because you may be too tense but once he is in and you relax it doesn't hurt and feels quite good. Just use a lot of lube. The pain you are describing with sex sounds a lot worse than anal.

As for your daughter, do you share a wall with her room? I would just turn on a radio or tv to drown out some of the noise and just do it. If parents never had sex when their kids were home no one would have siblings (except twins).


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

cowgirl.at.heart said:


> Thanks for the advice cosmos, however I will have to respect him on this one. It is a religious thing for him and he is more than willing to do without for my sake. He is content to continue the way we are, so I will have to learn to be as well. It's not really fair for me to want him to change after 11 years just because I have. I've already done that by finding my inner cowgirl! LOL Thanks so much for helping me figure this out!!


This wouldn't be okay with me. Religious thing for him? What does that have to do with YOU? 

It's not okay with you either or you wouldn't have come here to talk about it. Admit it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

cowgirl.at.heart said:


> Thanks for the advice cosmos, however I will have to respect him on this one. It is a religious thing for him and he is more than willing to do without for my sake. He is content to continue the way we are, so I will have to learn to be as well. It's not really fair for me to want him to change after 11 years just because I have. I've already done that by finding my inner cowgirl! LOL Thanks so much for helping me figure this out!!


OP, I don't think trying to sort out a medical problem like this can go against many religious beliefs that I know of. In fact, wanting to please your H and enjoy a mutually satisfying physical relationship is encouraged by most of them.

However, you don't_ have_ to go down the therapy route with this, because you can probably fix the problem yourself by identifying the root cause and learning some relaxation techniques on your own. Also, inserting a good lubricant (like KY Jelly) well in advance can work wonders! As I mentioned earlier, one or two successes and it's my guess the problem will disappear. Good luck


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This wouldn't be okay with me. Religious thing for him? What does that have to do with YOU?
> 
> It's not okay with you either or you wouldn't have come here to talk about it. Admit it.


You're right, I did come here looking for a resolve, and I found an answer. If I can resolve it physically, as suggested by cosmos, I would very much love to do that. Trying to please myself a bit more certainly isn't worth disappointing him! That's what it has to do with me I guess. I don't want to do something that is going to upset him just to make myself a bit happier-though in the long run it might actually make him happier as well! lol


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, I don't think trying to sort out a medical problem like this can go against many religious beliefs that I know of. In fact, wanting to please your H and enjoy a mutually satisfying physical relationship is encouraged by most of them.
> 
> However, you don't_ have_ to go down the therapy route with this, because you can probably fix the problem yourself by identifying the root cause and learning some relaxation techniques on your own. Also, inserting a good lubricant (like KY Jelly) well in advance can work wonders! As I mentioned earlier, one or two successes and it's my guess the problem will disappear. Good luck


No, it's not against his religious beliefs per say, it's just that he believes when it comes to matters of the head we should pray, not rely on man to get in there and dig around. And, to an extent, I do agree with him.

I sure wish I did know the root. I have no history of being sexually abused (that I can recall), so I really don't know where to look for a cause. One thing I read said there may not even be a reason, it just happens sometimes with some women.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

cowgirl.at.heart said:


> You're right, I did come here looking for a resolve, and I found an answer. If I can resolve it physically, as suggested by cosmos, I would very much love to do that. Trying to please myself a bit more certainly isn't worth disappointing him! That's what it has to do with me I guess. I don't want to do something that is going to upset him just to make myself a bit happier-though in the long run it might actually make him happier as well! lol


It's not selfish to want to have pleasurable sex with your husband. Don't do that. Sex is a gift to give one another. Of course he would benefit from you feeling better! What's upsetting about that?


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

PBear said:


> Your husband is an ass. Can you go to therapy without him?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well, I'd have to greatly disagree with your statement, but to each his/her own. I certainly don't know one other man in the world that would tolerate this kind of sex life so patiently-though I have to admit, I don't talk to other men about their sex life what they will and will not tolerate, so perhaps I'm off the mark on this one. 

As far as going without him, sure I could, he's not going to stop me. But again, I won't disrespect him that way.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

cowgirl.at.heart said:


> Well, I'd have to greatly disagree with your statement, but to each his/her own. I certainly don't know one other man in the world that would tolerate this kind of sex life so patiently-though I have to admit, I don't talk to other men about their sex life what they will and will not tolerate, so perhaps I'm off the mark on this one.
> 
> As far as going without him, sure I could, he's not going to stop me. But again, I won't disrespect him that way.


So he's against professional help, but your coming here would be ok with him? Advice is advice IMO. The difference being some people have a school of hard knocks degree and others earned a college degree in psych.


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## cowgirl.at.heart (Oct 19, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> So he's against professional help, but your coming here would be ok with him? Advice is advice IMO. The difference being some people have a school of hard knocks degree and others earned a college degree in psych.


Ooooo, good point! I hadn't even THOUGHT about that!!! Well crud, he may not be okay with it. Then again, I didn't come here for counseling, I came to see if anyone else had the same physical limitation as me, so I'm sure it's fine. Now if I go trying to ask y'all for some emotional advice, then I may have to validate your point a bit more and consider closing my account. I think I'm safe for now though.


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