# Dont know what to do....Anger has ahold of me.



## Juliets1 (Sep 19, 2013)

I just stumbled on this forum and this is my first post. I'm having a really hard time and the majority of people I have to talk to, do not understand my situation, so I have basically run out of people to talk to now. I apologize for how long this will be.

Here's the story. My husband and I met in 2001. He was 19 and I was 22. Back then we frequented the bar a lot, hanging out with friends and each other (it was where we met also) and just having a good time. Things progressed and after 2y we got engaged. The following year, we got married. Two months later, I was pregnant. I had been fired from my job just before we got married and since I had not found another job when I found out I was preg I did not continue to look. I had some complications with the pregnancy and birth, and had minor surgery a month after. He worked long hours and I was alone a lot. I became very depressed and I'm sure, not easy to be around then! As years went by, it just seemed our marriage was going further and further downhill. He drank a lot (most in his family, on both sides are alcoholics), then he began choosing friends and drinking over his family. He would say he was on his way home after work and then either not stroll in (drunk) until very late, or not at all. It then became he was home, but not engaged with myself or the children. (I have a son from a previous marriage) It just felt like he wanted to be anywhere but with us and he pushed us away. Making excuse after excuse not to be involved. I later found out that he had been going on dating sites, talking to people, and had even found one email from a woman asking if he wanted to get together with a picture of his penis sent to her (which he blamed on being drunk and because I did not want sex, which wasn't totally true. I just gave up trying). Obviously I lost it. Even with that evidence, he tried to deny it. With so much lying (he had an excuse for every action), hurt he had caused my children and myself (often the kids would be worried he had died in a car accident from his drinking when he would not come home. He blamed me for his actions and called me names and made me feel like crap a lot of the time), manipulation (he always knew the right things to say) I was ready to be done.

Then he had a health scare. (The drinking had settled some in this time, and he wasn't staying out all night now, but the family engagement still was not there). He was rushed to the hospital and had multiple tests done. He was off for a month after a procedure and the word cancer was thrown around. I was scared, and I knew deep down I still loved him, and during this time, I ignored the hurt I felt. He ended up getting laid off from his job by the time he was ready to go back. This is when things really went downhill. He refused to look for another job, I made him go on unemployment but it lasted only a short time because of his employer. I desperately tried to find a job, as once unemployment was done, we had nothing. He tried to make a go of self employment, but it was never close to enough. We couldn't pay bills, we couldnt even put food on the table (my mom was buying us food) and yet his own mother justified it for him. After 6 months of this (my mother was our landlord also and paid no rent in this time) I couldn't take it anymore. People had been telling me for months to kick him out and hope it opened his eyes. I knew as soon as he was out he would be gone. It was the freedom he wanted and I assumed he would run back to an old gf that he had before me. I didn't want to in fear it would happen. But the stress I saw in my children and even my pets, was the icing on the cake. I had begged him to do something, that we could not continue like this, but he again, refused. So I did it. I told him to go.
I said I wanted us to have a break, to breathe and regroup and see if we even wanted to be together. I wanted to work on things, and for over a month, he came by every weekend, and we went out, talked every night, etc. Things seemed to be going well. Or so I thought. 

About half way through March the texts stopped. Just like that. I heard rumors of him moving hours away and getting back with his ex. Everything I predicted. I was devastated. Beyond heartbroken. He had been saying he needed time to figure things out, that he was depressed and couldn't be with anyone until he figured things out for himself. I figured it was more bs, but I held on to hope. When he ended up telling me not to wait because he didn't know what would happen with him, I knew what that meant. Even so I waited a month. Thought maybe he would realize she was no better now then she was years ago, that maybe he would miss us, that maybe the light bulb would turn on. But it didn't. So I went to a lawyer. I filed for custody. (I had said at Christmas, in front of his parents when talking about his sister, that it was the first thing I would do if it happened as it was when I divorced the first time, yet it was a huge shock to them that i actually did.) I figured there was no point holding on to someone who didn't want me. I forced myself to move on. I forced myself to be happy, though inside I was falling apart. 

Up until he got the papers, we had been civil. He still paid for my son and my cell phones and told me he would not cut them off so he could still get in contact with me about our daughter, we had a car together in both our names, and all his paperwork was still here for everything. When we saw each other, it was quick and to the point. He tried for small talk, but I would not have it. I wanted to be far from him and as quick as possible. It hurt too much to be around him and see him. 

On Aug 1st, our daughters birthday, he wrote me on facebook. (he cut our phones in this time) He ended up saying he missed me and the kids and wanted to come back. I had known that things had gone down between the two of them and he was looking for his own place. Every angry, pent up word I had ever wanted to scream at him came out. I kept nothing back. And to my surprise, he took it. He took full responsibility for everything. To the dismiss of our marriage, to the cheating online, to running away (he said he was too angry to deal with anything and needed to get away). He said he had changed, he wanted to work things out, he had missed me for awhile but when I filed papers, he figured I hated him and there was no point. He said he couldn't keep his feelings inside anymore and no matter which I decided, I had to tell me. I told him off.

Needless to say, this was what I had been waiting for. I never wanted my marriage to end regardless of everything (even though we didn't seem to be good at marriage, we were excellent at being friends). I told him I didn't trust or believe him at all. I said I felt he was only doing this because of the papers and so he wouldn't have to pay child/spousal support, or that he was doing it to find out dirt to use against me (He didn't fight the papers at all). He claimed nothing was further from the truth and that he would wait for me. That he understood my anger and that he would do anything to prove he was sincere.

My question now is...How do I know he is sincere? Why after 7 1/2y of marriage could he not realize,but 6 months gone he could? I feel like I'm waiting for the new guy to go away and the old jerk to come back. I'm holding so tightly on my heart that I don't know I can let go and give him any of it again. I told him I was giving him no chances because I had given too many already, so I feel like I'm waiting for him to screw up. I don't want to regret not trying later on down the road, but how can I ever get past how i feel now for that to happen? He has even agreed to go to counseling which is a HUGE shock as he refused before. I am still so beyond angry. The images of them together, her face, my worry of it all happening again, him going back to her (he told her not to contact him or us ever, deleted and blocked her from facebook, and erased her number, yet still has contact with her roommate and mother). The kids have seemed happier with the "new" him, its really just me. I'm holding everything from the past against him, I'm just stuck in the past and I can't figure out how to move on. Or if I should. I want to, I want my marriage to work, I want to be happy again like we were in the first few years together, I want to trust him, I want to believe he is sincere.....

My friends think I'm stupid, its the people who I didn't expect who are supportive. (I found messages from his mother saying horrendous things about me that hurt me pretty bad, and I refuse to have anything to do with her now. My parents have been fine with him though despite it all). Am I being stupid? Should I just let go and move on? Can I really believe that now, finally, this is for real?
Sorry so long. I tend to ramble and I wanted to make sure it was all there to get the full story LOL. Thanks to anyone who read all of this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Personally, I would be done with him. Period. I think he only wants to come back because it didnt work out with his OW.

Having said that...if you really feel like you have to give this one last shot:

- DO NOT let him move back in! Start your work on this with him out of the house. If you let him back in now, he will go right back to how he was. 
- INSIST that he get into AA. 
- Marriage counseling is a requirement. 
- He must get and keep a job.
- Obviously no contact with OW. 
- Give it a time limit to start seeing results.

You are NOT stuck in the past. You are being realistic. He has been a cheating, lying, a$$, and if he is sincere, then he has a lot of work ahead of him to prove himself to you.


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## Juliets1 (Sep 19, 2013)

OW apparently had a bf herself, he apparently slept in the den. He said he wanted to tell me everything and be up front about what went on and not start back with lies. If it is the truth, I do appreciate that. He said though they were "seeing" each other, which I don't get if she had a bf, but I guess because I think if your with someone regardless, you don't date others. He said they slept together only once and apologized for it. Everything I have asked, he has answered, and I have no way of knowing if it is truth or not, and no way to find out otherwise. It seems like a fine line since we were separated and stopped talking....Regardless i'm still ticked off because it was her. (Apparently he tried to move in with friends but one friend did not want him to. Why he went to her though, I will never understand or forget.)

As for the drinking, in the last few years it has lessened, and since the health scare it was barely at all. I have no idea what really went on when he was gone, but from what our neighbors have said (mutual friends) he hasn't been drinking hardly at all. So who knows, but now he barely has at all. I even got angry at one night because he was going to pick up some drinks for us to have a bonfire. When he stopped by he had nothing.

He had gotten his old job back shortly after leaving, and in June, when he moved, he started a new job there. I have not stopped anything with my lawyer for custody and that is basically done now. Just waiting on final decision from the judge. Being I live in Canada, we have to wait a year from separation date to be able to file for divorce. In my mind, I have given it till then. (Jan 21st) I did say that he told OW not to contact him or myself (I've never met or spoke to her once), he deleted and blocked her on facebook and deleted all messages and her phone number from his cell. My thought though is, he is still sort of friends with her roommate and her mother (who lives around the corner from me). To me, it feels too easy to find out things, for them to influence and speak about her and keep her "in the picture" so to speak, or for him to easily pass along messages through them or get ahold of her again. The roommate text him one night asking about how to cook something (ya, i checked the message to be sure) and I got upset. He said that the roommate had nothing to do with what happened and didn't understand me being upset. I don't know her, I don't know what shes like, I can assume she didn't, but there is no way for me to know, and really, I don't care! 

He has not moved back in (He moved back here with his parents after me telling him to move out of her place asap. I did it really to test him and see what he would do, expecting a fight. He agreed and was out the next morning.) and I have told him he can stop by but only when I say. And if I want him gone, he is to go. Also, if the kids are not comfortable, want him gone or if even one of them is not ok with him being back in the picture, I'm done. 

I know it prob wasn't right, but I have even done things that would have angered/upset him before, just to see how he would react, and i get nothing. He is understanding, empathetic, caring,....Its such a shock and strange thing to me now. I have been down right mean, and it doesn't faze him. This was how it was when we were first together, but now it feels like he is a totally different person. He looks the same, but its not him. I almost feel on edge waiting for the guy who left to come back and I can't really fathom any of this. Like I'm living a dream and waiting to wake up.


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