# Another "reasonable or unreasonable" question



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

We used to live in a good sized city. 5 years ago I retired early, and we moved out an hour away. My wife chose to keep working part time in the city, about 2-3 days a week, totally her choice.

For the last 5 years anywhere from 1-4 times a month, I'd drive her in to give her a break. I'd run errands and kill time, then pick her up and come home. The total "away from home" time for these trips varied from 6-10 hours, depending on her schedule. Significant amounts of time were spent sitting/reading, obviously. She always enjoys me taking her, I always dread it, due to the amounts of time to kill, and discomfort of driving so much.

Backstory: I spent 25 years working out of a car in the city. I was in and out of the car 10 hours a day. I now hate driving with a passion.

Now she is also tired of the driving, and has dropped the "in city" job. However, there is a seminar she plans attend next week, in a slightly unfamiliar area of town. She could get there, OK, but wanted me to take her. We'd have to leave and 07:30; the seminar ends at 4:30 p.m. So, it would be a 10 hour day by the time we got home.

This time I told her I just can't do it. I'm done with it. She said fine, she'd either drive herself, or find an online seminar to fill this requirement. The online stuff always costs more, (I don't care) and is more boring.

Now I feel a twinge of guilt. Not enough to offer to drive, but enough to start a thread.

Reasonable, or not?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Reasonable request from her.
Reasonable decline from you.
Reasonable options from her.

That leaves the question of your "twinge of guilt". Where did it come from? What could you do that would lessen the guilt without putting guilt on her? 

Me, I like to spent time with my wife so I'd do the driving in exchange for the 2 hours. I might spend the day watching movies or shopping. (so much for the savings). At this point all you can do to do something nice for her is to re-purpose the trip, think of some reason you have to go to the city anyway.

MN


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Reasonable.

I would probably make a date of it and stay in a hotel afterward and the next day she would be walking funny. But that is just me.

You are very reasonable to not want to drive, however. You could always make her walk funny at home as well.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

I'm going to vote unreasonable. I get that the driving in the city thing sucks for you, but if I understand your post you are retired and not facing a huge opportunity cost to spend a day supporting your wife.

I suggest using your extensive knowledge of this city to do some cool things you couldn't have done while you were working there. Maybe several hours at that huge museum, then find out just how sleazy that adult theater in the funky part of town really is. Get some killer pizza and see if there's a shooting range in town. Do so many cool things that you are a few minutes late picking up your wife.

Really, what have you got to lose?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Big Dude said:


> I'm going to vote unreasonable. I get that the driving in the city thing sucks for you, but if I understand your post you are retired and not facing a huge opportunity cost to spend a day supporting your wife.
> 
> I suggest using your extensive knowledge of this city to do some cool things you couldn't have done while you were working there. Maybe several hours at that huge museum, then find out just how sleazy that adult theater in the funky part of town really is. Get some killer pizza and see if there's a shooting range in town. Do so many cool things that you are a few minutes late picking up your wife.
> 
> Really, what have you got to lose?


Heh. In the 25 years I lived there, there is nothing I missed, including the museums. Shooting range? I was a policeman for 25 years, and now live on 160 acres. I can and have shot all the rounds I've ever wanted. I've covered every inch of that town, and am sick to death of it. Still, I drove her whenever she wanted, to be supportive.

Really, have you ever tried to kill 8 hours in a car, in your hometown a 10-20 times/year for 5 years running? Makes my knees ache thinking of it. Anything you can think of, I've already done in the dozens of trips I've already made. I may be retired in name, but do run a ranch that keeps me busy most the time. 

If it were a truly a one time thing, I'd not bat an eye at going. The seminar may be a newish wrinkle, but in everything else, I've supported to exhaustion for years. 

Now I'm supporting her by saying she should feel free not to go, and do this online if she doesn't feel like driving. In the end, she doesn't mind driving, just enjoys when I do. At some point, you have to be honest, though.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay. Eight hours.

Leave at 7:30, drop her...drive home...back by 9:30.

Six hours at a house you are as familiar with as that town. That is almost a full work day. If I got 6 full hours of work from my employees as an employer, I would be pretty darned happy.

Leave at 3:30, pick her up...grab a nice dinner, bring her back.

Yes, it's four hours driving but it certainly beats 8 hours sitting. 

OR...as an alternative, find out if the seminar was in ANOTHER city and go there and make a weekend of it.

Drop her off, leave this city you so clearly loathe and visit a nearby friend for hours.

Drop her off, leave the city and try something at a nearby town you aren't familiar with. See the Falls over at that town. Check out that stupid little museum you were always thinking about over in that tiny burg.

Not saying you HAD to do it. It is sort of reasonable. But she ASKED. That puts some onus on you. She never asked you to drive for the job so that was a gift. Just to make her comfortable, I would do this one off.


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Forest said:


> Anything you can think of, I've already done in the dozens of trips I've already made.


I guess I didn't understand how much you hate being in this place! If you truly have exhausted all possible fun opportunities in this city and have no real option other than sitting around in your car, your position seems more reasonable to me. I can't imagine being in that position, though. I *can* imagine being at an in-laws family reunion, and if a day in this city is as bad as that...a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Your wife must understand how much of a bummer this trip would be for you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

New movies come out every month.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

JCD said:


> Not saying you HAD to do it. It is sort of reasonable. But she ASKED. That puts some onus on you. She never asked you to drive for the job so that was a gift. Just to make her comfortable, I would do this one off.


Actually she DID ask me to drive her all those dozens of times already. Each time. For 5 years. I just agreed to make it easier on her. I've told her several times over the last year that its getting to be too much, trying to kill time, etc.

Given the choice, I'd rather kill the time than drive it twice in one day, though. Its turnpike all the way, which is boring and costs extra.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Put her on a train?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Forest said:


> Actually she DID ask me to drive her all those dozens of times already. Each time. For 5 years. I just agreed to make it easier on her. I've told her several times over the last year that its getting to be too much, trying to kill time, etc.
> 
> Given the choice, I'd rather kill the time than drive it twice in one day, though. Its turnpike all the way, which is boring and costs extra.


Right. Well, it's on her then.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Upon reflection, I was only wanting to hear from the choir, I guess.

It just has such a high "not again" factor, I cracked.

A train would be great, actually, if we had that kind of stuff around here. I'm a softie for a request from a woman. Its taken me 5 years to toughen up on the issue.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Unreasonable denial on your part for a one-off seminar. 

It sounds like the number of times you're going to have to do this in the near future is very limited. Find a better way to kill a day, not a better way to make your wife resentful.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

As a woman, I completely do not understand why she needs a driver? Able adult wtih a valid driverse license? I would feel very uncomfortable asking my husband to drive me somewhere and then have several hours to kill waiting for me. It is not respectful to you , she must know you hate driving now. You both retired, so you have more than plenty opportunities to spend time together.


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