# Husband addicted to alcohol and Xanex- caught in multi-lies



## lost2010

This is not a short easy story but I will try to wrap it up as simply as I can...
I have been married to my husband for about 7 months ans already the trust is jeopardized. I love him- but it's very hard to TRUST him. I have caught him several lies and there are also some behaviors that seem questionable to me. I don't think cheating is an issue- as far as I can tell- but the lies are a very big one. He has developed addictions- first was energy pills- which I have gotten him to stop (as far as I know) then came to alcohol- we are currently trying to work through this one. Then came the Xanex. Another we are currently working through. RISKIER SUBJECT- porn and sex-not sure if that is exactly an addiction or not but he is very... obssesed...with both. But it could boil down to my own level is just lower than his. I have told him that with the alcohol and Xanex that I understand it will be difficult for him, I don't expect an overnight miracle. I've told him I will be there for him supporting him and not overeact when he does have a setback- and have even proven so through my actions. However I found out (more than once) that he has hidden drinking alcohol and pills from me. Lied to me about having them- and then continuously lied to me about it after being caught in the lies- changing stories and what not. (IE- "ok I did take one but that's all and I didn't but them my brother gave it to me" then come to find out he slips and its "Well I took two, but didn't buy them, my bro gave them to me" then come to find out he actually bought about 15 of them) I have found an empty pint of vodka in the bathroom drawer. One night after he fell asleep on me during an intimate moment I found out he took 4 pills and a shot of Southern Comfort (which was the same night I had sat down and talked with him because the vodka incident had been fresh and weighing on my mind that I really can't handle the lying. I can handle the hard battle ahead of trying to get through the addictions and overcome them, the set backs- but not the lies- so I asked him if he could promise me not to lie to me anymore about what he had taken etc. He made that promise while on the 4 pills and shot of SoCo. (which as I said was only found out later.) It seems like the lying is getting worse instead of better- after that last incident he has promised he will do everything in his power to show me that he is sorry and rebuild my trust- but I am finding that very hard to believe. When he is sober he is pretty much the perfect husband, most of my friends are jealous of how he treats me- of course they don't see the behind the scenes. When he is under the influence he revert to like middle school boy. VERY immature. Gets mad easily. Talks mean to me. He has never physically hurt me though.
I know he has been to rehab before because a few years before we met he was in an accident involving a DUI and it was manditory. At the time I thought it was because he had gotten into trouble with alcohol that he had to go- didn't realize that he actually had a problem. And at first he didn't. It took a while for me to notice the problems. Then I don't know if they actually escalated or if my awareness of it did. I just don't know. 
The questionable behavior I was refering to: he has connected with a female friend on Facebook and Myspace (she is in Arkansas we are in Missouri) from back when he was like 13- he admitted he use to have a big crush on her but she never wanted him- but they were good friends. They talked on the phone a lot and IM and text, then all of a sudden stopped. I don't know if they actually quit talking or if he could tell I was getting a little insecure- she is pretty and skinny- I have gained weight- but I have tried to express that I understand him having female friends- and I am only insecure becuase she is pretty, but I will get over it. In an attempt to get over it I tried to befriend her on myspace and facebook. Figuring if I could get to know her my insecurities would ease. She will not accept. I have to admit I did some digging. I found an email from him to her that said : "Sorry about the other morning that was kinda inapropriate. Id still like to be friends and all. Can you forgive me? PLS. Id still like to talk you and what not. Promise i wont do it again. Hate to loose an old friend because of my crazy bs. Call again strictly as friends. We got a lot of history and id hate to loose it. You realy were great friend. Hope to hear from you soon. again i apologize. I wont do it again." I asked him about it and he said the thing he did that was inappropriate was that he told her he had a dream about her, she asked what it was and he said "Well, I don't think you wanna know it is sexual kinda dream" he said she replied saying that she was a big girl and could handle it. So he told her all the details. I expressed that I felt it was was inaapropriate to even tell her the dream- disrespectful to me- I know you can't control your dreams but you can control what you say and to whom. He is saying that she quit talking to him after telling her his dream. This sounds off to me though because she obvoiusly knew (from the story he told me) that it was that type of dream and encouraged him to tell her the details. To me that means that there is more to this story he is not telling me or that the story itself is a lie. 
I found an email on FB from him asking her to please call him he really needs a friend to talk to in which she replied that his wife trying to contact her was a sign that she needed to back off, plus her fiance doesn't like the idea of them being friends. He replied to her saying that his wife was cool with their friendship, she said she would talk to her fiance, and that is the last amount of contact I have seen between the two of them. 
How to deal? Are there too many obstacles? Id this salvagable? Do you think that it is possible that this feels and sounds worse than it really is or is it more than likely I am holding on to a dream?
I'm sorry, that really wasn't short at all, but in all honesty that IS the short version- there are things I have left out- only includiong the things that felt a bigger deal


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## MissBhaven

Lost2010 - it sounds like your H addictions are getting worse and worse. He has had a DUI and been to rehab. Did he ever really quit? He lies and hides his addictions. No matter what he says he does or how often he does it, it sounds like he needs help. 

Only you know if it's salvageable or not. You are the only one who knows what you're willing to deal with until his addictions stop - IF they stop. 

I agree that if he's talking sexually to someone - that is very disrespectful to you as his wife! As for dreaming about her - maybe there is more to it.


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## InnerGold

Boy howdy, where do I begin? 

First, I have posted this several different times but I would encourage you to watch this addiction presentation: YouTube - Addiction Presentation Hopefully this will help you understand some things about addiction and addictive personalities.

Addictive personalities, until they learn how to really manage their addiction, will get rid of one only to fill it with another one and that is because they have not learned how to deal with the survival portion of the brain.

Please don't think I am spamming or trying to sell a product. I hate it when people think that is my only purpose on these forums. Honestly, if I did not think I could help someone, I would not be here. Forums take up a lot of time!

I really know the information InnerGold has to share is and has been helpful to individuals world-wide. Please watch the presentation and ask any question you may have. There are 9 parts to the video, long but very informative.

Your question of where to start is answered in this video. Addiction is addiction and is managed the same way, wether it's sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. it all is a mental disorder, in which, the addict has trained their brain that they need the substance for survival. Once an addict realizes and re-trains their brain they no longer need the substance. I am not saying this is a quick fix! Addiction is something that an addict will be dealing with the rest of their lives but not in a grueling or destructive way.

His desire to continuously carry on this relationship with an old friend is a dangerous one, especially since he had a crush on her and still does. He should sever that relationship! He should be talking to you and building your relationship, together!


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