# Separation recommended by therapist



## Hopeful38 (Dec 17, 2008)

Hi everybody. Finding this forum has been very helpful and I would like to know your thoughts about my situation. I've been in this relationship for 13 years total and been married for 7 years of those. from the begining of getting married in 2001 up to about late 2004 i continuously engaged in several online emotional affairs and some became actual sexual encounters. My wife found out about this and confronted me, but since I didn’t know how much she actually knew I didn’t change much and we went back to normal in a few weeks. THEN, in mid-2005 I got involved in an physical and emotional affair with a married woman and it got pretty intense. Lasted about 2 months. Although I was pretty clear this was only an affair, this woman took the relationship very seriuously and many things were said towards maybe leaving our respective spouses and having a life together. My wife noticed my cold, strange attitude towards her and when she confronted me I spilled the beans and told her most everything. She was destroyed, needless to say. She was in such state that she asked me to leave and so I did. I stopped with tha affair and for many reasons realized the enormous damage and suffering and how I had hurt my wife. Anyway, after a couple of months I came back home and have stayed true to my wife ever since. Our relationship was very good in all aspects: communication, sexually, afectively. Then something happened a few months ago which caught me by surprise. My wife started going online more often and soon got involved in an Emotional Affair with a guy in NY (we live on FL). They chatted thru FB, MSN and soon began sending each other pics, videos and later on the phone. After a couple weeks of this going I confronted her and she lashed back saying she needed space and time to herself. I bécame desperate to know what got into her and she always asked for space. I suggested counseling and we took group therapy separately and individual sessions and it has really helped us a lot. Communnication has improved a lot and we get along great, but right now she is not receptive to affectively and says she is really hurt about the things I did in the past and has not really gotten over yet, which I understand perfectly. Says she has to find out if she can love me again or not. Right now our therapist has suggested we do a therapeutic separation, in which we would separate for one month in which I would move out of the house and contact would be held to the necesary mínimum. Some basic ground rules would have to be agreed upon, obviously not doing things that would invite third persons like going out much or chatting online, and most important how to handle our 4 yr old daughter throughout this. I am willing to try this, as much as it pains me to be without her, but I know she needs this time to work herself out. I know this will be very trying for us both, and I’m fully committed to making this work cause I love her so. Has anybody gone thru something like this?? Has it worked?? Any words of advice are welcome


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

separation with a plan can work. are you both going to continue seeing counseling? make sure the counselor who suggested separation is involved in your success. that person MUST have a vested interest in your marriage. he/she CANNOT set you adrift with that suggestion. he/she MUST be there to pilot the ship toward safe harbor.


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## Hopeful38 (Dec 17, 2008)

Thanks for your comments voivod! indeed our therapist tells us this process will be supervised, and that is while I agree with doing it. our therapist will schedule weekly meetings with her to check that we are making the most of our time alone. As I wrote before there will be many ground rules and things me and my wife will have to agree beforehand. It should be a period for inner search for both of us, but mostly for her who is the one undergoing deppression and has to define whether she wants to work for this relationship or not. I totally love her and am totally commited to making this work, so i'll be patient and supportive throughout this period. but has anybodyy gone thru somthing like this before??? has it worked???


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