# He Finally Left Me



## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

After a little over four years of being together, a year and a half of marriage and two children, my Husband has left me. He recently came home from the Iraq war and has been diagnosed with PTSD but refuses to seek help. Before we split, we started couples counseling but he didn't think it was helping. He told me what had pushed him away and I've been working so hard on changing it. I've researched online, started the 40 day Love Dare, done the counseling, gotten closer to God and started attending bible study, all in the hopes of fixing my marriage and myself.

But all that wasn't enough. He says he's fallen out of love with me, that he's had these feelings for a very long time, even before I gave birth to our second child. I never saw it or felt it. We were very happy before he left to Iraq. Even now, people cannot even process that we are seperated, we were just the awesome (not perfect) little couple.

He's now living with his Army friends. He stays up all night playing video games and sleeps all day. My question is, is this a phase? Did he do some thinking while he was away from us and realized that he didn't want a family afterall? I just don't get it. How can something that used to mean the world to someone just disappear practically overnight?


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm so sorry LHF, I had an aquaintance in the 3/8 Marines that saw a lot of action and ended up doing the same thing. He also had PTSD from all the combat in Iraq. Eventually he changed but it took a good two or three years and a lot of therapy. He lived away from his wife and children with friends for the whole time. 

It's not you , it's the horror he had to live with and trying to adjust when he got back. It's very hard becuase we have no idea what he saw over there. Hopefully you can get him in some type of therapy tailored to Vets. We will be praying for you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I am so sorry for you and your loss 
what a lot you have had to endure
it's a complex situation for sure 
and in all of this now you need to put yourself first and do what you need to protect yourself and provide for your family.
Is he supporting you financially and seeing the kids?


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

I am a veteran of the United States Armed Forces who served in the first Gulf War. I consider myself one of the fortunate ones. I was over there for only 7 months. The fight that we did back in 1991-1992 was a day in the sun compared to what our troops are going through now. I feel for each and everyone of my veteran brothers and sisters who have served so much time over there. I can't even watch the news sometimes, because when they start to show footage from over there, I have either been there or it reminds me of an experience over there and I begin to shut down.

I was able to go through some great therapy when I returned home. Now don't get me wrong... I saw and did some things that even I can't believe, but I knew enough to get the help that I've needed in order to be able to deal with myself and for me to be a functioning member of my family and society.

Since your husband is still Active Duty, he has a wonderful opportunity to get some in-depth treatment. If he waits until he gets his DD-214 (Discharge Papers), then he will get far less assistance through the VA. This is completely his choice. I'm not agreeing with what he is doing, but unfortunately I do understand. That doesn't make it right though.

The reason why he is clinging to his Army buddies is because they have a very unique and serious bond right now. Some of them will bond for life. Others may fall to the way side. Unless they all seek help, they could be ticking time bombs. Our government has trained us to kill... they didn't teach us how to turn that switch off. So, in many ways, without him getting the treatment that he needs and with him containing all of that fear and anger inside... maybe it's best that he is not in your presence at this time. For your safety and for your children.

He is going to say things to hurt you. This is a defensive tactic that will help him rationalize his pulling away better and because he is going to do what he feels that he has to do in order to stay on course. You are a civilian... so in his mind... you don't understand.

It sounds like you have done a lot to change yourself for the better. And that is wonderful! But he has to make changes, and he has to want those changes. Due to his current mental condition, all I can say is you are going to have to wait on him. The time may never come in where he seeks help, so you may need to prepare yourself for this. He may not even consider getting any help until his enlistment is up... because the longer he goes untreated, the Army may not take him back depending on his behavior and if he has any disciplinary reports. So he may have to come to terms with this sooner than later.

I truly feel for you and I hope the very best for you and your children. Keep us posted as to what is going on.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Oh honey, you are reminding me of my GF three years ago. Her H is a Marine, and after three deployments out of nowhere he kicked her and the kids out of the house. She had to buy plane tickets from Hawaii to California ( we were all stationed over there at the time), found a house in Arizona to rent, raise the kids alone all while he was sitting there "thinking" that he was doing right. Fast forward six months. He was begging her to come back, begging her to forgive him, etc. The only change was he sought counseling and realized what he had just done to his family. His two young kids, he hadn't seen in six months his wife could barely answer his phone calls and he realized that he lost everything that was important. He does have PTSD and they still struggle from time to time but it is fewer and farther in between. I hope that you can find the answer that is right for you and your kids, and that this can all be worked out. I wish you the best. And like everyone else said, this is nothing to do with you. This is about him.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

I would think the above post might relate to you and im sorry but staying up late and video games im biased to now a days , my experience with that was such that i lost myself before i realized the pain and neglect i had caused my wife , it was fun for a while but soon became to be a habit and then i was just blind and didnt care or thought i didnt till that day came.. I would think if he does have a heart he will realize what he is missing with you and the kids
The kids alone for me has kept me motivated to change the loss of them all in my life so suddenly even though it was against my will changed things inside of me for ever.. This is just a opinion but i would say this give what he wants right back to him act totally happy about the status que , in other words tell him you understand that you too feel it is time and act happy about it , that dont mean you got to be cause im sure you are hurting and i feel for you as well, but act happy about it and you got the kids give it time dont contact him make him contact you and let him chase you see if you can not reverse the roles here and see how it makes him feel , maybe he will start to realize and miss what he has that he may not even no what he is doing right now in full ..
Probably not the greatest sounding advise and im far from being good at advise right now but it is something i keep reading in all these ebooks i have read over the time..


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks for each and every one of your responses, it truly means the world and has made me understand more of the situation.

I called him last night and he says that he still has feelings for me, still wants to be in our daughters' and my life but still needs time and space to think. I told him we would be there waiting for him.

I don't know if that was the right way to approach it, I don't want him to take advantage of the situation either. But I fight for what I love and I don't want to give up on our marriage. It's in God's hands now and all I can do is pray.


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

I too am sorry for what has happend to you. :scratchhead: I know you are scratching your head a lot. 

I also was in the military and got blown off an aircraft carrier. I have/had PTSD, BUT.... as an adult male I made a decision/choice to seek help. Unless he is severely disabled... 50-60 percent and can't handle financial issues, he would know exactly what he is doing right now!! 

Don't be blind to other things. Don't set yourself up for heartache. I would recommend you "move on" a little. Don't let him know that you will be at his beck and call 24X7

You will find out how much he loves you if you are not around when he "needs" you.

Chances are there is more to the story than you know. Yes, he may be bonding with his buddies, BUT, having a loving and caring wife and 2 children....He should be home.

I went through a divorce a few years back and what I learned is this.... Either he/she wants to be with you or they don't. It is non negotiable! Especially when you have children involved. I was not going to force my ex wife to be with me. I gave her a choice...Either we work it out or we don't. It is really that simple. It is not just about wanting to go play video games. It is about being a responsible adult and taking care of your family. 

If your little ones see you sad then they are going to be sad.

Unfortunately some military people use PTSD as a way out of their life. I hope that this is not the case for your benefit. If he "really" needs help I hope he gets it. Our country should take care of us veterans.

I just hate seeing people (men or women) make a choice to be with someone, have children and when it is not convenient to their life anymore just leave. 

You are worth more than that and deserve more for you and your children!!!

Personally I would set a date (in your mind) for him to come to his senses. He will always be the father of your children... Unless he totally blows off his responsibility of being a father then he will be in your life until the children are at least 18.

My other question would be this.. How are you supporting your children? I am assuming that he is helping financially with the house and bills still?

I apologize if I come accross hard about this and to anyone else reading this please try to understand where I am coming from.

Most men and women take relationships for granted these days. It is too easy just to say I don't want to be with you anymore. The spouse that cares and the children suffer. People need to be held accountable for their families.

I sincerely wish you all the best! If your wish is for him to come home then I hope that happens.

I don't feel that you need to change yourself to be with someone. Unless you have done bad things in your relationship I would say this....He "loved" you before the way you were so why change?

Best of luck to you! Try to keep smiling.[/FONT]


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks for that Just_Venting.

I'm just so confused right now. He pops in and out of my life and I don't know what to think. Last night we were texting like everything was just grand, and today I text him good morning and got nothing. I guess the best thing to do right now is back off a little. It's just so hard though. All the little things make me miss him at home and then I just break down.

And you're right, he either wants to be with me or not. He's told me to my face that he loves me but doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I'm just hoping that will change. I know he loves me, I know that we've had great experiences as a couple together. I'm just confused as to how it got to the point where he can't even be around me anymore, we WERE happy!

I can't see myself moving on, he is the father of my children and the love of my life.  And I can't even picture myself being with anyone else.

One day at a time I guess.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

Oh and to answer the financial question, he is currently getting unemployment which is not very much at all and I am paying the majority of the bills, I have a great job.


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## Just_Venting (Jan 12, 2010)

I can feel your pain when you write. I can see that you are very in love with this man.

Just please keep an open mind on things. Don't be a doormat for someone to walk on.

I know he is the father of your children BUT...you deserve more too. You deserve someone that is consistant with their feelings, emotions, and the way they treat you.

Just by his words to you about loving you but not wanting to be in a relationship that tells me that he may be seeing someone else. Just don't be blind sided by it. Keep you eyes and ears open.

Sometimes because we are "in love" we allow ourselves not to see what is right in front of us.

If you need an ear just drop me a message.

Take it one day at a time.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry; this just adds to all the stress you experienced when he was in the line of fire.



> He is going to say things to hurt you. This is a defensive tactic that will help him rationalize his pulling away better and because he is going to do what he feels that he has to do in order to stay on course. You are a civilian... so in his mind... you don't understand.


I think this is very wise. The issue he identified probably has very little to do with his choice. Not that you should ignore it--we should all respond to requests from our spouse to improve where we can. But it is NOT your fault he left. He left b/c he is in terrible pain from his experience in war. 

The real question for you is, what do YOU want to do? There is no chance things will ever be the way they were, and only the possibility that he might return to you healthy enough to maintain a healthy relationship as a husband and father. You are doing the right things by focusing more on yourself--find what makes you happy. You cannot fix your marriage alone, and he cannot participate in the state he is in now. Do you want to wait for an uncertain outcome? I would probably talk to several professionals (therapists who have worked with men similar to your husband, your minister, etc.) and find out what the prognosis for his recovery and your marriage realistically is. I would want to move on emotionally--and since the healthiest way to do this is alone (that is, not jumping into another relationship, not even planning to date for a year or two while you take care of yourself and your kids), you can do this while leaving the door open to reuniting as a couple. You can even do that after divorce, and this is one of the few circumstances I can see that happening for good reasons. Ultimately, become a happy, self-sustaining single mom (w or w/o divorce), live fully, find compassion in your heart, and your life will turn out fine, no matter what. A very difficult situation and the additional cost of war that no one can turn into dollars and cents. God bless.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks sisters.

Counseling was sooo helpful yesterday. My counselor made me realize that all that we're experiencing has NOTHING to do with me. And that he is just not capable of loving me right now. He has several issues that he has shared with her in past sessions that he needs to fix before he can even start to learn to love me again.

So I learned yesterday to not put the blame on myself and to just remind myself that he needs healing and counseling. I've decided to live my life for my kids and myself and give him all the space he needs. I just need to reassure him that I love him and not pressure him since he's experiencing deeper, darker issues right now. He knows that our doors are always open to him so when he decides to go home, he can but with one condition, that we get some professional help. We've tried fixing our issues in the past and failed so we obviously cannot do it alone without some help.

All I can do now is pray and live my life. God will make everything fall into place.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

lovinghim
you sound very on top of things
keep reading your own posts when the doubts start coming back.
begin to start focussing on a future without him.
There is no reason to stop loving him/
But for your own health try and begin detaching.
It is hard to say how this damage will effect yoru marriage over the long term.
You sound like a fabulously independent caring woman,
He is lucky to have you as the base he can run away from and know that you will keep things ticking.
Take good care


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

So I've decided to move on.

I called him last night to ask him to go to church and counseling with me and he refused. I then hung up and decided that I was done trying. He doesn't want to, so why should I?

He proceeded to text me and call me all night, I ignored him.

I just wanted to share some texts he sent.

"If things work out for us, its my decision and you can't do anything about it."

"You need that counseling for yourself. It wasn't doing anything to change my mind. And I'm not the one with uncontrollable anger."

This made me upset so I responded:
"Yeah, point out my faults to make yourself feel better. At least I'm gonna get better. You should get some help for yourself so that you can stop hurting the people that love you the most. GOODBYE."

He persisted with little texts telling me that I was just trying to get a reaction out of him, that I didn't want to move on, etc. He stopped after I completely ignored him.

I'm so done. I don't need him telling me that I am the problem. I'm not the one that left our family behind so that I can go out and party, play video games and act like a damn teenager. But I'm above that. I made it through a one year deployment without him, so this is not new to me. It's just harder this time because this time I know he's not coming back. 

Gotta stay strong, GOTTA STAY STRONG.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

LHF... when you hung up on him, that was one of the best things that you could have done. You can see what that caused. I caused for dialog. Whether the conversation was good or bad, it still caused for him to communicate with you.

He was trying to push your buttons and that is exactly what he did to get you to respond to him. Let that be a firm example to you in how he wants to keep a firm hand over this situation. 

It's easier for someone to point a finger at you... but what they don't see is that there are three more pointing back at them. In order for him to feel good about himself and to justify his actions, then he needs to find fault with someone other than himself. You've been nominated for that very position.

It's comforting to read that you are going to concentrate more on what you have to do in order to improve. Your hubby is going to have to figure this out all on his own and by you turning your back and looking the other way (like he did to you), then you are only forcing him to see himself and eventually... deal with himself.

You have a lot of help here in this community. Keep posting and walk tall.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

He keeps adding all these girls to his Facebook and talking to them!

It hurts so bad. How do I respond to that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

lovinghimforever said:


> He keeps adding all these girls to his Facebook and talking to them!
> 
> It hurts so bad. How do I respond to that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you really decided to move on then do nothing and don't look at facebook anymore. I think he is trying to get you upset and it's working. Your H is immature and you deserve better, if he won't get help then there is nothing more you can do. I do understand the emotion and hope that he will get better, but he has to see there is a problem and do something about it.


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