# (Dating) Is something wrong....



## Sauvie Island

Going on about 3 years divorced, left my wife after multiple affairs, one of which was long-term. Endured a year and a half of strong gaslighting pre-divorce that really screwed me up badly. So I've been working on myself and loving our kids every chance I get.

So I'm kinda happy, yet kinda lonely at times. 
I'm posting because seriously, I wonder if something deeper may be wrong with me.

I'm mid 40's, in great shape, etc...but haven't bothered to go on a single date in 3 years. Here's the thing, it's like I almost don't want to even though I desire to have someone intimately in my life. I shut down sorta it would seem. No confidence even though I'm flirted with by younger ladies.

Anyone understand? Should I see a therapist?


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## TXTrini

Sauvie Island said:


> Going on about 3 years divorced, left my wife after multiple affairs, one of which was long-term. Endured a year and a half of strong gaslighting pre-divorce that really screwed me up badly. So I've been working on myself and loving our kids every chance I get.
> 
> So I'm kinda happy, yet kinda lonely at times.
> I'm posting because seriously, I wonder if something deeper may be wrong with me.
> 
> I'm mid 40's, in great shape, etc...but haven't bothered to go on a single date in 3 years. Here's the thing, it's like I almost don't want to even though I desire to have someone intimately in my life. I shut down sorta it would seem. No confidence even though I'm flirted with by younger ladies.
> 
> Anyone understand? Should I see a therapist?


Nothing is wrong with you, certainly not after 3 years divorced! If you weren't ready to try, you wouldn't be thinking about it. 

Therapy is always helpful, did you see one to help you heal after your divorce to help transition to single life? I saw one for 6 months or so. Close to the end of that period, I mentioned I was thinking of dating, expecting him to tell me I wasn't ready. Now my therapist was my marriage counselor, he knew the full story and history that _I_ don't even know, b/c my ex saw him.

I have a similar history, but no kids and I'm a woman. It was my first time dating ever, much less at 40! If you go the online dating (OLD) route, your experience will be MUCH different than mine. You'll be expected (mostly) to make the first move, so you can pace yourself until you feel comfortable with the idea. I chickened out the first time a guy asked me out and bailed  . I didn't expect to get asked out the same freaking day I made my profile.

You could do things the old fashioned way, and ask a woman out in person, or have friends set you up. If you do OLD, you can select what kind of dating you want. If it's just a matter of clearing the plumbing, well there are options for that too, I'm sure the guys will chime in. If you don't want to date, there's nothing wrong with that at all, many people don't bother, after being through that kind of trauma, it's entirely up to you.


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## jlg07

Instead of deciding to "date" (esp OLD), how about just trying to socialize more (I know, tough during pandemic).
Go to meetup.com and try to find groups you are interested -- if nothing else as a way to meet more people.
I think that as you start to do that, your interest will get sparked by someone, and that could be the place to start.


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## jorgegene

I don't remember who made the rule that says you're suppose to date. Its not in the constitution, or the declaration. Not in the Bible. Not in the Talmud. Not in any state or local laws I know of. Not even in any books of wisdom that I know of.

It must be somewhere out there, cause some people say its so, but i can't find it.

Date if you want to, and don't date if you dont.


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## Sauvie Island

Yeah not a big socializer but I know that would do the trick if I were more motivated in that direction. 
I got very lite therapy after the divorce, few sessions. I do envision having trust issues I’m sure when the time arrives. And confidence. Not playing the victim card but maybe infidelity created more personal havoc than I realize


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## RebuildingMe

There’s nothing wrong with staying out of the game if you’re not feeling it. I wasted no time because I think it was fun and healthy for me. I’m still not divorced yet (14 months and counting). You date when you want to. On your timeline. When you are ready, do some research to know what you’re getting into. Be prepared for the happy, flirty, strange, bitter and angry and everything in between. It can be rewarding and at times very frustrating. Take it all in and learn from your past mistakes. Good luck!


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## Sauvie Island

But yeah, the original reason behind the post was in fact, I’m kinda liking a girl and could see myself going out. Sometimes you just need someone to have fun with and share life with. But I uncharacteristicly shut down even though she’s flirty. 
idk, whining now I suppose.


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## DownByTheRiver

I mean, it's normal to be very wary after cheating and gaslighting. It may be hard to ever trust again, so if you do decide to get to know this woman, first be sure she's old enough to be faithful (a lot of early 20s just aren't at all). Then examine her ethics, her work ethics, whether she has compassion toward people and animals, whether she calls in late at work, is always late to meet friends or backs out and doesn't keep her word. These simple everyday ethics are certainly indicative of not the greatest ethics in general, so no reason to think she'd be any better with a faithful relationship.


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## Diana7

Sauvie Island said:


> Going on about 3 years divorced, left my wife after multiple affairs, one of which was long-term. Endured a year and a half of strong gaslighting pre-divorce that really screwed me up badly. So I've been working on myself and loving our kids every chance I get.
> 
> So I'm kinda happy, yet kinda lonely at times.
> I'm posting because seriously, I wonder if something deeper may be wrong with me.
> 
> I'm mid 40's, in great shape, etc...but haven't bothered to go on a single date in 3 years. Here's the thing, it's like I almost don't want to even though I desire to have someone intimately in my life. I shut down sorta it would seem. No confidence even though I'm flirted with by younger ladies.
> 
> Anyone understand? Should I see a therapist?


It was at least 4 years after my first marriage ended before I was emotionally ready to even think of dating again. It was 2 more years till I met my now husband so 6 years in all. I wasnt interested in casual dating anyway, I was only interested in dating a man who was interested in marriage. Dont rush it, just wait till you are ready. Far far too many jump far too soon into dating when they are no where near ready. 
You dont have to ever date again if you dont want to.


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## TXTrini

Sauvie Island said:


> Yeah not a big socializer but I know that would do the trick if I were more motivated in that direction.
> I got very lite therapy after the divorce, few sessions. I do envision having trust issues I’m sure when the time arrives. And confidence. Not playing the victim card but maybe infidelity created more personal havoc than I realize


Me either, man. I'm a hermit, that's why I did OLD. I think you should consider therapy to help rebuild your confidence. Most BS have trust issues, but we learn to recognize triggers and deal with them as they come up. 

Honestly, dating helped me regain my confidence, though it was terrifying in the beginning. Give some thought to what you want out of it, what's important to you in a date, things you won't tolerate. If something doesn't feel right, move on, but be kind. 

Btw, how about slipping your ladyfriend a note? @RandomDude had great luck grabbing his soon to be fiancée's attention like that.


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## Rob_1

To each it's own, but life and peak sexual years wait for no one.
When my first wife and I had the talk, and I said divorce, the next day I had a date (sex). 
I wasn't going to mop and put my life on hold.


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## Evinrude58

After 4 months separation from my cheater, a woman I went out with in a second date to see a movie at her place, excused herself and came out naked. I literally ran out of her house. Couldn’t even get it up for a couple of more months. I was high drive, also, It takes time to heal. I shouldn’t have dated for a couple of years. Three? Yeah, that’s a long time. You should see about talking to someone. Take a lady you have real interest in and go on a date. Its ok just to talk. Don’t become a damn recluse.
You’ve let your cheater do THIS to you?


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## Sauvie Island

Evinrude58 said:


> After 4 months separation from my cheater, a woman I went out with in a second date to see a movie at her place, excused herself and came out naked. I literally ran out of her house. Couldn’t even get it up for a couple of more months. I was high drive, also, It takes time to heal. I shouldn’t have dated for a couple of years. Three? Yeah, that’s a long time. You should see about talking to someone. Take a lady you have real interest in and go on a date. Its ok just to talk. Don’t become a damn recluse.
> You’ve let your cheater do THIS to you?


unfortunately, yep.

I think I'll hash things out with a counselor for a while because I'm thinking I've got some unresolved baggage just out of my line of sight.


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## Diana7

Sauvie Island said:


> unfortunately, yep.
> 
> I think I'll hash things out with a counselor for a while because I'm thinking I've got some unresolved baggage just out of my line of sight.


In the end, some people feel happier just being single. You dont HAVE to date again after a marriage ends. If anything happened to my husband I wouldnt date again, I know that already. Two marriages is enough for me.


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## Sauvie Island

Diana7 said:


> In the end, some people feel happier just being single. You dont HAVE to date again after a marriage ends. If anything happened to my husband I wouldnt date again, I know that already. Two marriages is enough for me.


I hear ya. 
Not looking forward to the actual 'dating' part of it,
But eventually, I would like to open up and share my life with someone again.


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## Diana7

Sauvie Island said:


> I hear ya.
> Not looking forward to the actual 'dating' part of it,
> But eventually, I would like to open up and share my life with someone again.


Yes, I did as well, but as I said it takes a long time for people to be emotionally ready for that, despite so many disastrously jumping far too soon into dating again. You will know if/when it gets to that time and there is no hurry.


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## TXTrini

Sauvie Island said:


> unfortunately, yep.
> 
> I think I'll hash things out with a counselor for a while because I'm thinking I've got some unresolved baggage just out of my line of sight.


That's a great idea! Think about it like dating yourself, you get to know who you are today, determine what you want in a partner now, and see what makes you attractive to a prospective partner. It will help you figure out what you want out of dating and select partners compatible with that goal.


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## TXTrini

Diana7 said:


> Yes, I did as well, but as I said it takes a long time for people to be emotionally ready for that, despite so many disastrously jumping far too soon into dating again. You will know if/when it gets to that time and there is no hurry.


That's easier said than done. Add an insistent libido to the mix, especially after a long period of celibacy and see how well you do with that. Then again, sex is not a priority to everyone, it's an individual thing.


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## Hiner112

I have some similarities to your situation. My ex moved out in 2018, I'm in my mid-40s, pretty good shape, and little to no motivation to date. The thought of going on a date with someone kind of makes me squeamish.

There are some significant differences though. No obvious cheating and the revisionist history that she seems to be suffering from hasn't really affected me like your EX's gas-lighting.

I would probably recommend therapy or talking to a counselor though that makes me a bit of a hypocrite since I haven't visited on myself.


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## Sauvie Island

Hiner112 said:


> I have some similarities to your situation. My ex moved out in 2018, I'm in my mid-40s, pretty good shape, and little to no motivation to date. The thought of going on a date with someone kind of makes me squeamish.
> 
> There are some significant differences though. No obvious cheating and the revisionist history that she seems to be suffering from hasn't really affected me like your EX's gas-lighting.
> 
> I would probably recommend therapy or talking to a counselor though that makes me a bit of a hypocrite since I haven't visited on myself.


Yeah I’m thinking that’s the plan. Have someone objectively look at myself and situation because I’m crap at that.


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## Not

I can relate. My divorce was final Feb. 2018 and I waited a year to date. I had been celibate for almost a decade by then and was starving for affection and intimacy. I dated a couple of guys, the last one being a bad experience and after that my interest in dating bottomed out. My mojo left the building. I set up but then cancelled many dates. I really wanted to meet someone special but I couldn't get past how comfortable I was being alone and being left alone.

I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. Get your head on straight. I went into dating never really giving it much thought and realized later that maybe I actually didn't know if I wanted to date or not. On the one hand dating seems like the natural next step when moving on from a divorce and there's excitement about meeting someone special but on the other hand being on your own brings much contentment. It's a weird place to be.

I was still in an indifferent mindset in regards to dating when I met my now boyfriend about seven months after the last guy I dated. He pursued me hard and we got to know each other very well in a short period of time due to Covid and being on lockdown. We spent hours and hours on the phone everyday. That was over ten months ago now.

Looking back I think I can honestly say if it had been anyone else it wouldn't have worked out. He had the patience to hang in there with me when I was constantly pulling away. I appreciate this man more than I can express.

I think you just need more time and I think you'll know when your ready, you'll feel it. It'll simply feel right.


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## Sauvie Island

Not said:


> I can relate. My divorce was final Feb. 2018 and I waited a year to date. I had been celibate for almost a decade by then and was starving for affection and intimacy. I dated a couple of guys, the last one being a bad experience and after that my interest in dating bottomed out. My mojo left the building. I set up but then cancelled many dates. I really wanted to meet someone special but I couldn't get past how comfortable I was being alone and being left alone.
> 
> I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. Get your head on straight. I went into dating never really giving it much thought and realized later that maybe I actually didn't know if I wanted to date or not. On the one hand dating seems like the natural next step when moving on from a divorce and there's excitement about meeting someone special but on the other hand being on your own brings much contentment. It's a weird place to be.
> 
> I was still in an indifferent mindset in regards to dating when I met my now boyfriend about seven months after the last guy I dated. He pursued me hard and we got to know each other very well in a short period of time due to Covid and being on lockdown. We spent hours and hours on the phone everyday. That was over ten months ago now.
> 
> Looking back I think I can honestly say if it had been anyone else it wouldn't have worked out. He had the patience to hang in there with me when I was constantly pulling away. I appreciate this man more than I can express.
> 
> I think you just need more time and I think you'll know when your ready, you'll feel it. It'll simply feel right.


Hit the nail on the head in many respects, thank you.


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## marko polo

It may be a question of time or perhaps it is the stage of life you are at.

I didn't date for at least 4 years after my ex wife and I parted ways.

A few things to consider. I was in my early 20s and happy enough to be alone ~1.5 years into the divorce. There was no drama or complications aside from the divorce running in the background. When I hit the 4 year mark I had completed my education, was divorced and working. Thoughts of replacing the family I lost invariably crept back in. Soon the need for companionship overrode the risk. So it could be a matter of time in your case as well.

You are at a different stage of life. What do you want out of life? A friend with benefits? A committed relationship? A second marriage? Kids? I can confess my priorities would be quite different now in my late 40s than they were in my early 20s. One divorce per lifetime is more than enough. Fear of repeating my first disastrous experience wasn't as strong in my early 20s. I remarried. I met my second wife 5 years after my ex and I separated and divorced. Marriage#2 remains intact and happy after 15 years. If it ended I doubt very much that I would try for #3.


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## Diana7

TXTrini said:


> That's easier said than done. Add an insistent libido to the mix, especially after a long period of celibacy and see how well you do with that. Then again, sex is not a priority to everyone, it's an individual thing.


Well some things are worth waiting for.


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## TXTrini

Diana7 said:


> Well some things are worth waiting for.


Have you been in a sexless marriage?


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## Sauvie Island

marko polo said:


> It may be a question of time or perhaps it is the stage of life you are at.
> 
> I didn't date for at least 4 years after my ex wife and I parted ways.
> 
> A few things to consider. I was in my early 20s and happy enough to be alone ~1.5 years into the divorce. There was no drama or complications aside from the divorce running in the background. When I hit the 4 year mark I had completed my education, was divorced and working. Thoughts of replacing the family I lost invariably crept back in. Soon the need for companionship overrode the risk. So it could be a matter of time in your case as well.
> 
> You are at a different stage of life. What do you want out of life? A friend with benefits? A committed relationship? A second marriage? Kids? I can confess my priorities would be quite different now in my late 40s than they were in my early 20s. One divorce per lifetime is more than enough. Fear of repeating my first disastrous experience wasn't as strong in my early 20s. I remarried. I met my second wife 5 years after my ex and I separated and divorced. Marriage#2 remains intact and happy after 15 years. If it ended I doubt very much that I would try for #3.


For me, it is only a little stage dependant. As a person who lost most of what he had built up after the divorce (Kids, finances, etc.) I've been freed from much of those constraints and stressors, which ultimately, is a silver lining. I live very free in most departments of my life, so it's not like I'm huddled up in the corner crying.
I don't look, act, or really even think like a man in his mid EARLY 40's (haha), but it's not immaturity.

That's why I'm so bothered by it all. Several posters have basically said 'the proof I'm needing to venture back out is what brought me to post here in the first place', and* I agree*. But first, my *confidence* and *self-assurance* must be re-built in that arena.' Needing' and 'being ready' are two different things which is why I'm looking into therapy for a 3rd person perspective- not on this particular topic, but on the underlying damage I never dealt with.

The paradox here is I'm not sure I want to get married again, but a 'committed relationship only' sounds fickle as hell after what I've been through. Something in-between the two would be right for me I think.


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## Sauvie Island

And it also may be just a mix of my personality type and a low-grade depression (that I've learned to live with) that is causing my withdrawal and apathy in this area.


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## marko polo

_I don't look, act, or really even think like a man in his mid EARLY 40's (haha), but it's not immaturity._
That my friend is a big plus.

_a person who lost most of what he had built up after the divorce (Kids, finances, etc.)_
This was also me the first time around.

Therapy may or may not help. Therapists are hit and miss as far as who is competent. Still nothing ventured nothing gained.

There is indeed a difference between needing and being ready. 

I can share with you how I knew I was ready. I was willing to walk away at the first sign of disinterest, disrespect or betrayal. I offered no second chances and entertained no excuses. This was the legacy of my divorce.


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## simonhard

The modern rhythm of life dictates its own conditions. It is faster to get acquainted on the Internet, your questionnaires, photos and walls in social networks work around the clock, telling everyone about your beautiful inner world. Many of them will want to meet you, it's just a matter of time.You can meet someone really special on the Web and make a date after talking. I do exactly this and now I am communicating with several people from this site AsianFriendly.com - Free Asian Dating Site. Find your date in Asia!❤. I hope there is that very special person among them.


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## Diana7

TXTrini said:


> Have you been in a sexless marriage?


I was a single mum for 6 years with no sex.


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## Arkansas

its never easy regardless of which way you go

I had a bad divorce that left deep scars but started dating a super nice lady not long after finalized papers

I live with her now - it works, but sometime I wonder if she doesn't deserve more than I can give. Sometimes I miss unlimited freedom (meaning I don't have to consider others) .... and then I know no the flip side it would be terribly lonely alone

I would miss the morning kiss, the hugs .... the companionship, the laughs etc

its never easy either way


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