# Cheated, not sure I want to save marriage



## Guilty (May 18, 2012)

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married 3. Our relationship has been rocky from the early years. We've both hurt and disrespected each other over the years. 

I've been feeling distant for about 5 of those years, still not sure why we got married. Feels like we got married just because we were together so long and it was the thing to do.

Long story short:
Have been having EA for about 7 months, husband found out, wants to save marriage but I don't. I'm honestly tired of fighting for a relationship that should never have gone this far. I feel guilty because hubby thinks everything has been fine all this time, and that this is salvageable. I am well aware of the "fog" but even after agreeing to NC w/ OM, still not sure I want to save this marriage. To be honest I rather be alone. 

Anyone have similar situation?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

1)Have you complied with the NC? 2) is the OM still in your thoughts?. if so why?, 3) if you have mantained NC how long?maybe you are still in the fog? If you still have contact or are still thinking about him there is no way at giving an honset shot at R.

Since your hubby thinks everything is heading in a better direction, why does he think that? have you been honset with him during this period?


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## Guilty (May 18, 2012)

OM is coworker, so not complete NC but very limited. Yes OM is still in my thoughts. Enjoy OM's company very much. Even if things fell through with OM still do not want to save marriage. I feel like EA was an ejector seat affair. 

Its not so much about the EA (although I do it enjoy it), its more that I don't know how to leave marriage without feeling so guilty.

Hubby knows our marriage is in bad shape, I meant that he didn't think there was anything wrong with it in the first place. Didn't see the writing on the wall or just didn't want to.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My exHdid an exit affair. this may be what you're doing. We had argued many years over his inappropriate behavior with female friends; how he allowed his friends to be rude to me; and his own marginalisation of me (making plans without telling me about them).

Now in hindsight, I am sure that I can pinpoint turning point moments.

Since you don't sound happy in your marriage, just start the process to getting unhitched.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

If you are still in contact with OM and like you said you enjoy his company, you do know you are not giving your marriage a fair shot, you can put any spin on it you want, an exit affair is never ever justified, the writing on the wall, he didnt see, did you spell it out, I mean really spell it out by talking?


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## Guilty (May 18, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> My exHdid an exit affair. this may be what you're doing. We had argued many years over his inappropriate behavior with female friends; how he allowed his friends to be rude to me; and his own marginalisation of me (making plans without telling me about them).
> 
> Now in hindsight, I am sure that I can pinpoint turning point moments.
> 
> Since you don't sound happy in your marriage, just start the process to getting unhitched.


NextTimeAround, this is exactly what has happened w/ my marriage. Too many years of disrespect caused me to become distant (when what I should have done, is just left). I've tried breaking it to hubby gently that I want to be on my own, but he is devastated. Feeling so guilty.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Guilty, it sounds to me like you either should have been divorced years ago, or you are rewriting your marital history to justify your affair.

Note that your H is giving you an amazing gift of reconciliation. The fact he didn't think things were bad tells me you haven't been communicating to him at all. You were afraid to do that, so instead had an EA - the easy way out.

You have two choices: Quit your job and give your marriage a real chance (because it has none while you work with the OM), or tell your husband you want a divorce and let him go find someone else.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Guilty said:


> NextTimeAround, this is exactly what has happened w/ my marriage. Too many years of disrespect caused me to become distant (when what I should have done, is just left). I've tried breaking it to hubby gently that I want to be on my own, but he is devastated. Feeling so guilty.


A friend once mentioned to me that at least with my husband asking for the divorce, I will never have to wonder if getting a divorce was a good idea. and now years later, I realise that had we reconciled, we would have continued plodding along.

I have looked inside myself to ponder what could I have done differently that might have saved my marriage. One thing is to know an EA when you see it. not be afraid to take action. And that quite often, men really do leave the hatchet job to their partners for many of these things.

I remember once I had cancelled plans because I was so pissed off the my husband made them without me. but I wanted to discuss it. It seemed to me that my husband was more annoyed about my wanting to discuss it than my actually having done it.

It does seem to me that the woman who have strong personalities are the ones who are more likely to have the doting partners. Now that I have put my foot down on my bf's EA, he is far more attentive and forthcoming. It does also seem as if every time I have a meltdown, he is so much more generous.

I guess I digressed a bit. But there is some relevance here.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> *Guilty, it sounds to me like you either should have been divorced years ago, or you are rewriting your marital history to justify your affair.*
> 
> Note that your H is giving you an amazing gift of reconciliation. The fact he didn't think things were bad tells me you haven't been communicating to him at all. You were afraid to do that, so instead had an EA - the easy way out.
> 
> You have two choices: Quit your job and give your marriage a real chance (because it has none while you work with the OM), or tell your husband you want a divorce and let him go find someone else.


that's a bit unfair. when you're married, you make every effort to remain married whether children are involved or not. Who's to judge whether she gave her husband adequate opportunity to understand and make changes or not?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Keeping a bad relationship alive is the same as acquiring that "flesh eating" disease and letting it consume you rather than to remove the affected part of the body. I'm a rabid supporter of divorce rather than to live a life of deceit. Probably half of the spousal homicides in this country are due to both trying to beat a dead horse rather than to just split and find different accommodations.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you should divorce, then. not feelin' it.....don't stay in it.

set your husband free.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> that's a bit unfair. when you're married, you make every effort to remain married whether children are involved or not. Who's to judge whether she gave her husband adequate opportunity to understand and make changes or not?


Its not unfair at all. One partner thinks everything is fine and the other partner has an affair an its because the marriage has been in the tank a long time? We've heard this crap here enough to make an elephant sick. Its just another excuse to find another f!uck partner. OP may believe it but its just another cheaters lie. 

You picked an appropraiate screen name guilty. I'm betting this has gone farther than an EA also.

Do you have children? Are you a Christian by any chance?

If you don't try to save your marriage, you should change your screen name to Loser.

Google infidelity statistics and see what chance cheaters have keeping a relationship together. 3 out of a 100. Good luck with that.

How about the OM's family, is he married, children?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Ain't it interesting how cheaters always profess not to be in a fog.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm with chap, if it's her coworker she sees everyday and it was going on for 7 months, no way it's just an EA. You can BS your hubby with this, but spare us please.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Its not unfair at all. One partner thinks everything is fine and the other partner has an affair an its because the marriage has been in the tank a long time? We've heard this crap here enough to make an elephant sick. Its just another excuse to find another f!uck partner. OP may believe it but its just another cheaters lie.
> 
> You picked an appropraiate screen name guilty. I'm betting this has gone farther than an EA also.
> 
> ...


It's her husband who wants the reconciliation not her. I am seeing this through my own experience. I asked for a reconciliation and thankfully, I know now in hindsight, he refused it. He just wanted out. Now years later, I don't see the affair as what killed our marriage. I see that everything that happened before it is what killed our marriage.

Somehow I see that person differently from the person who wants to carry on the marriage and the affair AND deny that one is even going on.

It's also different from what my sister experienced when she figured out that the her husband's affiar with his current partner not only lasted 6 years before he asked for a divorce, but he also used household money (never mind that they had 2 kids between them) to pay for his mistress' education, home and god knows what else. Nice when you have a working wife....(who also paid off your student loans)

If the OP moves forward with a divorce, then she's doing the right thing for both herself and her husband.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Its not unfair at all. One partner thinks everything is fine and the other partner has an affair an its because the marriage has been in the tank a long time? We've heard this crap here enough to make an elephant sick. Its just another excuse to find another f!uck partner. OP may believe it but its just another cheaters lie.


THIS!

Thanks for having my back, Chap. Where are the veterans on this board? We've read this a thousand times.

If she isn't rewriting the history, then she should have communicated with her husband better before going off and having a long EA with someone at work. It's the coward's way out. Her husband had no clue. Poor guy - I feel bad for him. Maybe he's written his story on this board somewhere.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

@Guilty, quite frankly from what you are saying, though some things may have changed you are still in an EA with your affair partner.

Your husband or any other man can not make you happy, thats on each individual to do.

You and your husband need to start with three books.

Love Busters

The Five Love Languages

His needs Her Needs

There are also Two books your husband needs to read.

I hope and pray you don't make this mistake because it will be something you look back an with regret your whole life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Here is what I would do. Quit and the job and find another one.(You cannot repair the marriage if the OM is in the picture anyway). Try reconciling for an year or so. If there are no signs of improving, divorce. You need to give R a honest try and that needs full NC with the OM.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stay on the path you are on and you _will_ hook up physically with the OM down the road.

Try talking to your husband. If you want out of the marriage then tell him. Quit being a coward..


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

Sounds like you wouldn't really rather be alone, you'd rather be with the other guy. Symptomatic of what I am seeing with today's modern wives. Hubby forgets to say 'I love you' a couple of times and that gives you justification to cheat, because the OM makes you feel the way you used to. You ARE in the fog, and once the fog has lifted- the OM won't be so appealing, and you'll be ready to dump him like you are your husband.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't want to be with your husband because you see him as a threat to your EA and what you hope to be PA.

You're also double talking. In your post - you say you just want to be alone, then you talk about IF the relationship with the OM doesn't work out.

At least be honest about your intentions and plans.

You are looking for our support to walk away from your husband, to continue your affair and take it to a new level, and to keep your husband in the wings until you decide if the new relationship is going to work out.

You are busy rewriting the history of your relationship with your husband, so you don't look like the guilty cheater that you are. You don't want to admit you are like those others you've seen through the years, so you are constructing mental justifications for your actions.

But ask yourself this: Where are you acting honestly ? Where are you acting like a kind and trustworthy person?

If you a honestly done with your marriage - then file for divorce. Move out of your home and move on. Don't fence sit, while continuing with your cheating. that's not honest.

Tell hubby you are divorcing him because you've begun a new relationship while married to him, and you are leaving to go into that relationship.

Also tell him that honestly it isn't his fault. Because YOU could have actually tried to make the current marriage work, but 5 years ago you lied to him and didn't tell him you had a problem that needed fixing. Tell him that 3 years ago you pledged to be his wife and forsake all others, but this was a lie too. 

At least be honest with your husband, so he knows that you aren't worthy of being married to him and he can heal and move on.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

looks like a post and run, Gulity please come back, read everything on here, to you it may seem that you are getting a bashing on TAM, but eveyone wants the very best outcome for you and your husband, you need to take a hard look at yourself and where you are..I think thats where alot of the posters are coming from, trying to jar you into thinking straight.That starts by being honest with yourself and your husband

If you do leave, you take your unresolved baggage with you, its never a start over fresh, you will always have you with you...

Your feelings for OM are just that feelings not love, you dont get to go home to see the real him, I'm sure at work you both put on a good face for one another, the chemical release in the brain is very overwhelming ...It's called the fog for a reason.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

You obviously don't love your husband - you shouldn't have married him in the first place - but you did and now you feel "guilty" about ending the marriage that never should have happened in the first place??? 

How the hell does he feel? Or do you even care? Seems to me this is all about you - so divorce him and let him get on with his life, you're too selfish to ever really love him (or anyone else) anyway.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> looks like a post and run, Gulity please come back, read everything on here, to you it may seem that you are getting a bashing on TAM, but eveyone wants the best very best outcome for you and your husband, you need to take a hard look at yourself and where you are..I think thats where alot of the posters are coming from, trying to jar you into thinking straight.That starts by being honest with yourself and your husband
> 
> If you do leave, you take your unresolved baggage with you, its never a start over fresh, you will always have you with you...
> 
> Your feelings for OM are just that feelings not love, you dont get to go home to see the real him, I'm sure at work you both put on a good face for one another, the chemical release in the brain is very overwhelming ...It's called the fog for a reason.


:iagree:

I think some come here looking for justification and when they don't get it, they leave. I think she came here for reinforcement. She already knew she wanted out of the marriage. But she needed someone to "agree" or give her "permission". I'd say she got it.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Now years later, I don't see the affair as what killed our marriage. I see that everything that happened before it is what killed our marriage.


I think you're right. Too often people ruin even more of their lives by staying in a bad marriage. From the perspective of "Gulity's" husband, what benefit is there for him staying in a marriage when his wife don't love him. True, she may not want to give up the other guy, but the other guy is there for the same reason she may not want to give im up. Its because the husband is out, she's done. When a woman is truly done with you, there ain't no goin back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she just wanted to know how to divorce without guilt

tough titties

it was her fault


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> looks like a post and run, Gulity please come back, read everything on here, to you it may seem that you are getting a bashing on TAM, but eveyone wants the very best outcome for you and your husband, you need to take a hard look at yourself and where you are..I think thats where alot of the posters are coming from, trying to jar you into thinking straight.That starts by being honest with yourself and your husband
> 
> If you do leave, you take your unresolved baggage with you, its never a start over fresh, you will always have you with you...
> 
> Your feelings for OM are just that feelings not love, you dont get to go home to see the real him, I'm sure at work you both put on a good face for one another, the chemical release in the brain is very overwhelming ...It's called the fog for a reason.


Good points. My cheater husband initially refused to go to counseling because he likely did not want to face his own lies. 

He, too, totally rewrote the marital history. The counselors we saw eventually pointed out all his contradictions. 

The fact is we were happy and getting along well for a couple married 20 years, until he met this very sexually aggressive woman who told her what he wanted to hear. 

The OW is a manipulative liar, who has her own husband completely fooled. 

Meanwhile she has said that she needs to get drunked up to have sex with her husband, that she wants a supplemental relationship because she wants someone to pay attention to her because her husband works too much. 

She also appears to be a sex addict as she frequents sex clubs, and that is rare for a woman.

In addition has said she gets sick looking at his body, cause the poor guy put on a few pounds and that she wants to barf.

The poor guy treats her like a queen and she is no beauty queen. She's pudgy herself, looks older than her age due to sun damage, and has a piggy looking face, yet she thinks she's better than her rather attractive husband. 

Instead of admitting that they just want to experience the high of sex with someone new and different because they are too immature to realize that sex in a long term marriage is always different than sex with someone new, they rewrite the marital history to ease their own guilt.

If I were a guy, I wouldn't want to touch this type of woman with a ten foot pole.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Baffled01 said:


> Sounds like you wouldn't really rather be alone, you'd rather be with the other guy. Symptomatic of what I am seeing with today's modern wives. Hubby forgets to say 'I love you' a couple of times and that gives you justification to cheat, because the OM makes you feel the way you used to. You ARE in the fog, and once the fog has lifted- the OM won't be so appealing, and you'll be ready to dump him like you are your husband.


Baffled, can you post this on like, every single WS thread? Thanks.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You don't want to be with your husband because you see him as a threat to your EA and what you hope to be PA.
> 
> You're also double talking. In your post - you say you just want to be alone, then you talk about IF the relationship with the OM doesn't work out.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: 

Shaggy hit all the points here. Guilty knows about the fog, but actually thinks she's not in it.

*Guilty, you are very very deep in the fog.*

You've been together for 10, and you say you've been feeling distant for 5 years, but have been married for 3. So if you've been feeling distant for at least 2 years BEFORE you married, then why the hell did you marry him then? 

You say your betrayed husband though everything has been fine all this time, so OBVIOUSLY you've never ever communicated anything to him. 

Or its the most common thing we se here: you're re-writing the history of your relationship like the vast majority of cheaters who are in the fog. All of a sudden, like you said, you can pinpoint where it went wrong. You know why? Because in the fog, you will only remember the bad things that have happened, NEVER the good times. Please don't tell me in the last 10 years you haven't had good times. 

*And this is why we say, that if this is a workplace affair, one of the affair partners MUST leave the job because there is no way NC can ever be established.*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Guilty said:


> OM is coworker, so not complete NC but very limited. Yes OM is still in my thoughts. Enjoy OM's company very much.


Of course you enjoy OMs company, because you're *STILL IN THE AFFAIR!* You've never been NC. 



Guilty said:


> Even if things fell through with OM still do not want to save marriage. I feel like EA was an ejector seat affair.


If things fell through with the OM? Even here you admit you're still in this affair. 



Guilty said:


> Its not so much about the EA (although I do it enjoy it), its more that I don't know how to leave marriage without feeling so guilty.


Cry me a river. You screwed up your marriage by having and affair and you know it, that's why you feel guilty.



Guilty said:


> Hubby knows our marriage is in bad shape, I meant that he didn't think there was anything wrong with it in the first place.


Yes, it's in bad shape because of your cheating. He didn't think anything was wrong, so your affair is hitting him like a ton of bricks. 

If you have even an ounce of decency left in you, you will let your betrayed husband go, and send him here to TAM and we can advise him how to be rid of you.

Then you should run off with your OM since you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Of course you enjoy OMs company, because you don't live with him, you don't see all his faults, or anything. Real life issues don't intrude on your relationship with him. He can be Prince Charming to you because he doesn't have to deal with all the marital issues. So go ahead and run off with him.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm bettin' she's long gone - the truth hurts, and we've hammered her with it here.

At this point, I'm just gonna say a little prayer for her husband. Poor guy doesn't know what's hit him (or what's about to).


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jinba said:


> I'm bettin' she's long gone - the truth hurts, and we've hammered her with it here.
> 
> At this point, I'm just gonna say a little prayer for her husband. Poor guy doesn't know what's hit him (or what's about to).


Probably lurking as most of them do after being called out. Yes, I feel sorry for her BH. She and her OM have probably demonized him behind his back and he doesn't know it. She was probably b!tching to OM everyday about what a sh!tty husband he is and OM probably said the usual things like "You're so attractive, I would never treat you that way", etc, etc.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

"..now let's fulfill your unmet emotional needs in janitor's closet!"


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Probably lurking as most of them do after being called out. Yes, I feel sorry for her BH. She and her OM have probably demonized him behind his back and he doesn't know it. She was probably b!tching to OM everyday about what a sh!tty husband he is and OM probably said the usual things like "You're so attractive, I would never treat you that way", etc, etc.


:iagree:

The part I'll never understand is how people get so caught up with the OW or OM - think about it - if they're cheating on their spouse with you, at some point it's likely they're going to cheat on you too - duh - fantasy land never lasts.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

snap said:


> "..now let's fulfill your unmet emotional needs in janitor's closet!"


:rofl:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I can't remember where I read it, but I like this saying:

The reason the grass appears greener on the other side of the fence is because it's fertilized with bullsh!t.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I heard a similar one: "The grass is always greener over the septic tank, but if you go there you'll find yourself in deep ****."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Guilty said:


> I've been feeling distant for about *5 *of those years, still not sure why we got married. Feels like we got married just because we were together so long and it was the thing to do.
> 
> Long story short:
> Have been having EA for about 7 months, husband found out, wants to save marriage but *I don't.* *I'm honestly tired of fighting for a relationship that should never have gone this far. *I feel guilty because hubby thinks everything has been fine all this time, and that this is salvageable. I am well aware of the "fog" but even after agreeing to NC w/ OM, *still not sure I want to save this marriage. To be honest I rather be alone.*


Get a divorce.

Do not string this relationship along any further. You said yourself that you've been feeling distant for 5 years and you feel you just got married because you were together so long, that you don't want to reconcile.

Just end it.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

IMO, one must always look at the clims a cheater makes to justify the affair, with an extremely jaundiced eye. There are a few very critical problems in trying to accept that a cheater. really, had, for years etc., tried to rectify or address the peoblems in the marriage.

First, there is the obvious one. A cheater, by virtue of the cheating, has already demonstrated a lack of integrity, a lack of compassion and empathy, poor communication skills, and poor problem solving skills.
So, one not only wonders if she is telling the truth, but one wonders what problems she, herself , caused all on her own, possessing those qualities or lack thereof.
Second(and this is sort of fatal to the laims of having tried to address the peoblems), there is the fact that we live in a country where, for the most part, divorce is simple, quick and requires no cause whatsoever. So, how likely is it that a person claiming all this motivation to fix the marriage did no avail herself of this honorable avenue of escape. If she was so frustrated by the lack of progress in the mariage, it would have been a simple matter to just divorce. They never seem to be able to explain theri failure to act honorably.
Third, presumably, you married a man of , roughly , equal intelligence. Yet you claim he was oblivious to the marital problems and was not willing to address them. This is just not credible. Most men are anxious to have peace, harmony and mutual happiness in their marriages. It is patently unbelievable that your husband simply ignored your complaints. 
It is much more likely that your communication was ineffective, and that you had unrealistic expectations of what your H , or any man, could pprovide relative to your happiness.
If you have kids, of course, there is the issue of how you justify your cheting on them , as well, Clearly, they could not be expected to work on your claimed problems. Yet, you cheated on them, and they are innocent.
Finally, there is he fact that you are abusive. Infidelit is viewed by many therapists as the worst form of spousal emotional abuse. It you really had integrity and were really a decent spouse, you would not inflict this type of abuse and all thetrauma it causes your H and kids on them. 
I bet your husband is a decnt, reasonalbe man. You strayed and now need to justify it to yourself and , probably, some of your cheerleaders. But, you ave no insight into the fact that this extreme motivation to preserve your self image makes it very likely you are lying to yourself and other re your marriage and your husband.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> If she was so frustrated by the lack of progress in the mariage, it would have been a simple matter to just divorce.


Or, in her case, even simpler option of not marrying. She claims the relationship was bad even before the marriage.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> IMO,
> Finally, there is he fact that you are abusive. Infidelit is viewed by many therapists as the worst form of spousal emotional abuse. It you really had integrity and were really a decent spouse, you would not inflict this type of abuse and all thetrauma it causes your H and kids on them.
> 
> I bet your husband is a decnt, reasonalbe man. You strayed and now need to justify it to yourself and , probably, some of your cheerleaders. But, you ave no insight into the fact that this extreme motivation to preserve your self image makes it very likely you are lying to yourself and other re your marriage and your husband.


I agree, Liam, I have been reading many books written by experienced marriage counselors and their view is that infidelity is abuse. 

There are so many options before infidelity. 

IMO, people who cheat just want their cake and eat it too. My husband does not now want a divorce.

I can't figure out why since he complaint so bitterly about me to the OW.

Shirley glass also says that the cheater is typically the one in the marriage who is the taker and the BS is the giver. 

My husband is a spoiled only child and definitely a taker. He got anything his heart desired from his parents. 

I grew up in a large family and rarely got what I asked for because my parents could not afford to indulge all their children.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

An EA for 7 months. Blech. Go do some research. Don't believe anyone here. 

You have just wrecked your life. The OM does not love you. He loves the idea of having you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its not your heart he's thinking of, its your heart shaped bottom that's on his mind, but you know that.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> "Shirley Glass also says that the cheater is typically the one in the marriage who is the taker and the BS is the giver."
> 
> :iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Guys - she posted and bolted shortly afterward on the 18th.


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