# Is divorce my only option??



## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

I need help. I do not have close friends or family that I can talk to about this. I have no one to talk to. 

Married almost 9 years and dated for 10 years before that. It was good, I was happy then a year after we were married it all changed! In 2007 we lost husband’s grandma (who was like a mother to me) it was a long and tragic passing, I was the last to speak to her. In 2008 I was laid off from my job that I hated but paid well, I felt so lost and confused, but quickly found my way and returned to school for my passion of Nursing. I graduated in 2014 with my RN. I started working and loved making a difference. I continued my education but still worked FT. I was in a groove and felt amazing. Then October 2013 my Grandma passed (my closest family member) and I took this very hard. Then to make matters worse lost husband’s Grandpa (who became my best friend and parent to me). I still cry about his loss. I miss them all so much. April 2014, I was laid off, but able to find work working as private nurse. Finished my bachelors in August. Moved out to California with husband in October. I am still not working (waiting for the state to approve my license, should be next week at the latest). I want to work, I want a paycheck, I want to make a difference, I want to make friends, I want to be happy. But I feel so empty and alone. 

Constantly arguing with my husband (over small and big things). I feel so alone and cold, I feel like I am bitter and rude. How did I change to this horrible person? Husband doesn’t try to uplift me- I fell and hurt myself and what does he do . . . yell at me to get up because he was embarrassed that I was on the ground, then continue to yell at me because I am always hurting myself and holding him back. I try to talk to him about this but it turns into an argument and that Its my fault or being over sensitive. When I tell him how I feel he gets upset and says that hurts his feelings and to not say that. I fear our next big fight would mention divorcing. 
Help, suggestions. Clues, insight, anything. Thank you


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, he is emotionally abusive if he is putting you down and taking away your self worth. If his mode of coping is to lash out at you for feeling any negative emotions, then he has some serious anger issues. If your shouting at each other, then you both lack self control. Before things get that bad, take yourself away from that situation. You can't be in an argument with no one, and it will give you the time to cool down. I am not sure what you say to him that hurts his feelings, but obviously either the both of your communication skills are lacking, or one of you can't communicate properly. Before things escalate, ask him for a break for the time to cool down so more level headed thoughts can prevail.

If you own your emotions and actions, and you communicate that properly, then it is likely he is in an emotional shell. If you own your own issues, and work on them, it really has to do more with him. There was some issues he never dealt with, and he doesn't have the tools to cope. You can't fix him, and you can only help yourself. I know as a caring person , you want to help broken people, but in this case, he has to recognize it himself. 

You have to detach away from a toxic situation. You notice that it is affecting your personality. Your coping with this relationship by devolving. It is how you are coping, and as a nurse, you should know people do not usually seek help until something catastrophic happens to them, They will ignore the issues until something worse happens where they can no longer ignore the issues. 

Keep working on yourself. Seek a therapist. Learn healthy coping and boundaries skills. If your communication skills needs working, learn to improve on that too. In an argument, nothing of value is transfer from one person to the next if both people are attacking, or the other person is in defense mode. 

If you have to get a separation to seek a healthy place for yourself while you regroup, then you should do so. It is hard to improve when your vulnerable, and that vulnerability leads to only pain and not understanding. We humans seek understanding, and through that acceptance. Start living life, and do things that bring you fulfillment. Don;t involve your husband if he takes the joy away from those things. That should be yours, and a safe place for you to decompress and take away the stress.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

All I read there was "me me me". *His* grandparents die, but it's all about how hurt *you* are over it. Did you offer him support at that time or did you just make it all about you?

You focus on falling on the ground and him not helping you up. Do you do this often? Why didn't you just get up? Were you carrying on about it to try get attention or because you broke something, because I think all he saw was a drama queen. If you didn't behave like a drama queen, then why would he think of you that way?

Have you considered the fact that maybe he's tired of just being some guy in the background of your life?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

breeze said:


> All I read there was "me me me". *His* grandparents die, but it's all about how hurt *you* are over it. Did you offer him support at that time or did you just make it all about you?
> 
> You focus on falling on the ground and him not helping you up. Do you do this often? Why didn't you just get up? Were you carrying on about it to try get attention or because you broke something, because I think all he saw was a drama queen. If you didn't behave like a drama queen, then why would he think of you that way?
> 
> Have you considered the fact that maybe he's tired of just being some guy in the background of your life?


 Lets not be so quick to judge quite yet. This woman is detailing her problems in the form of " Me, me, me, me." as you noted, yet that is what most of us do here. In fact, your responses seem to have mirrored what she has been subjected to; She explains or details a problem or simply has one and she is/was met with instant prejudice and contempt. 

You do however bring up valid points; What is the dynamic of this relationship? Why is he so aggressive? Does the OP find herself surrounded by drama outside of the marriage?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Yet another walk-away-wife. Just leave him. For HIM, not you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Try some counseling and see if this can be worked out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would suggest starting with some individual counselling. Work on yourself. Then bring in some marriage counselling. 

Divorce isn't going to heal the things you're feeling. 

C


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

IIJokerII said:


> Lets not be so quick to judge quite yet. This woman is detailing her problems in the form of " Me, me, me, me." as you noted, yet that is what most of us do here. In fact, your responses seem to have mirrored what she has been subjected to; She explains or details a problem or simply has one and she is/was met with instant prejudice and contempt.
> 
> You do however bring up valid points; What is the dynamic of this relationship? Why is he so aggressive? Does the OP find herself surrounded by drama outside of the marriage?


You're right. My response was aggressive and mirrored the husband (usually I try to walk away from a post that brings that out in me). My gut reaction to the way the OP has written about herself may be wrong but maybe helps explain why he's so aggro. Perception.


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

breeze said:


> All I read there was "me me me". *His* grandparents die, but it's all about how hurt *you* are over it. Did you offer him support at that time or did you just make it all about you?
> 
> You focus on falling on the ground and him not helping you up. Do you do this often? Why didn't you just get up? Were you carrying on about it to try get attention or because you broke something, because I think all he saw was a drama queen. If you didn't behave like a drama queen, then why would he think of you that way?
> 
> Have you considered the fact that maybe he's tired of just being some guy in the background of your life?


I think that you misunderstood my message. It is not about me, just writing of how I feel and treated in our marriage. Yes, Grandpa was an amazing man and everyone who knew him is affected by his passing. I just cannot write or state of how others feel or think as I am not them. 

I am not a "drama queen" or needing attention, actually I like staying out of it. Yes I am accident prone, I am usually always bumping into things, dropping things or being a klutz. In this situation I twisted my ankle/ broke it and was in intense pain, I couldn't stand and was crying in pain. He never asked oh my, what can I do or even are you okay. He just told me to get up and keep walking. He constantly says that I am holding him back or I keep injuring myself and cannot do anything. He also says that he wants his wife to be healthy. It just feels like he has no lack of compassion for my well being. 

He is not just a guy in the background. We just haven't been on the same page and constantly taking jabs at each other, having no compassion/ understanding. I am unsure of how to repair this or if it's too late. 
M


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Well, he is emotionally abusive if he is putting you down and taking away your self worth. If his mode of coping is to lash out at you for feeling any negative emotions, then he has some serious anger issues. If your shouting at each other, then you both lack self control. Before things get that bad, take yourself away from that situation. You can't be in an argument with no one, and it will give you the time to cool down. I am not sure what you say to him that hurts his feelings, but obviously either the both of your communication skills are lacking, or one of you can't communicate properly. Before things escalate, ask him for a break for the time to cool down so more level headed thoughts can prevail.
> 
> If you own your emotions and actions, and you communicate that properly, then it is likely he is in an emotional shell. If you own your own issues, and work on them, it really has to do more with him. There was some issues he never dealt with, and he doesn't have the tools to cope. You can't fix him, and you can only help yourself. I know as a caring person , you want to help broken people, but in this case, he has to recognize it himself.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insight and information. As we argue we both have bad communication skills. I've tried talking to him about it. He states that I upset him and then he reacts and if I didn't upset him then he wouldn't react that way. I know that sometimes I attack him with words as a way to even it out. It's not healthy at all. 
Since I am not working I cannot afford a therapist. I will go to the public library and check on books to help be better communicators. I would love to welcome a break or week away but I have no family or friends in town as we just moved out of state.
M


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Yet another walk-away-wife. Just leave him. For HIM, not you.


Very harsh, was this comment needed? I would prefer a comment that would help the situation listed above.


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> I would suggest starting with some individual counselling. Work on yourself. Then bring in some marriage counselling.
> 
> Divorce isn't going to heal the things you're feeling.
> 
> C


Right now I am not working and cannot afford counseling, husband would refuse going too.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

melissab said:


> Very harsh, was this comment needed? I would prefer a comment that would help the situation listed above.


Unfortunately there are some nasty, bitter victims here with a women evil mentality that look for a punching bag. Ignore them. Other guys will give good advice, you'll know them because their advice will be thoughtful and they won't name call.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It seems you two don't know each other very well anymore. The idea of a conversation turns into a confrontation.

Try something on neutral ground. A silly game of cards like Uno. Or PictioNary. Your own version of FIll In The Blank. Something to get you guys talking without animosity or defensiveness.

I think both of you are stuck in a rut about who does what to whom syndrome. Always placing blame but not hearing the other side. Reflect on that...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You confuse things by posting two threads in different places giving very different (or contradictory just different) information. I’m posting this on both of your current threads…


The other one is at : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/236034-wanting-too-much.html

I went back to your other threads in September and November in which you were upset because your husband took his mother out to a restaurant but did not invite you.
Now in these two threads today you bring up more info. I see a few things going on. 

*You and your husband have both let your marriage fall apart. *

For the last 6 years you have been working and going to school. That’s more than a full time effort. Your husband has been working a job and free lancing. How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing date like things, just the two of you? I’ll bet it’s next to nothing. It takes a minimum of 15 hours a week doing this to maintain the connection and love in a relationship.

When a couple loses their connection, the way your marriage is, is what you get. Two people who interact with each other like water being poured into hot oil.

You say that your husband did not used to be so critical and mean but that over time he’s grown into being like this. You are both doing what a couple does when the relationship falls apart.

You are fighting. You are annoying each other. He’s mean to you. You are overly needy (not wanting him to take his mother out to dinner.) You have both become selfish and only seeing your own side of things.

For example, your husband supported you while you got your nursing degree. Sure you worked part time and have student loans that you have to pay off. But you could not have done it without his financial support. That was a HUGE strain on him. Now he’s resentful because the result is that he no longer has a happy marriage. You are resentful because he’s resentful. Have you ever thanked him profusely for his putting up with you going to school? Do you realize how much of strain you put on the relationship?

Then to add to the strained relationship the two of you moved to California where you have not been able to find work yet. And where your husband hates his job and is free lancing. So now he resents you even more. To which his solution how is to badger you saying that you now owe him so he’s going to quit his job, freelance and you have to support him.

I see no love here from ether of you towards the other. Only resentment, annoyance and neediness.

And to top it off the two of you cannot even talk to each other much without exploding.. Totally predictable. You both see the other one at fault.

So now what?

*How to stop this and try to get back on track if at all possible. *

It takes two to argue. I suggest that you stop arguing with your husband. When you see that a conversation with him is going to erupt into a fight, just say “STOP” and tell him that you need to cool off so you are going to take a time out. Then go to another room, or for a walk. Do not ever again engage in a fight or screaming match with him. You have 100% control over your part in any argument. If you need to, practice this in front of a mirror until you stopping and walking away is automatic.

You say that you cannot afford counseling right now. There are some books that are as good as counseling. Read them in this order and do the work they say to do:

“His Needs, Her Needs”

“Divorce Busting. 

“Love Busters”

They will tell you how to get your marriage back on track and how to keep it on track. If it turns out that your husband will not join you this journey to regain your marriage, then at least you will know what to do in your next relationship. 

The next thing is that you need to remedy the fact that you move no close friends and it sounds like no interests outside of your home life and your work.



*You have no close friends or family. *

Why don’t you have any close friends for family? This is not emotionally healthy. For example, you got upset when your husband wanted to take his mother out to dinner. Your MIL and you don’t get along very well. But you say that your own mother has cut off contact with you, so one of the reasons you wanted to go along is because you wanted some motherly love from your MIL. You know that you will not get motherly love from your MIL. You two don’t get along very well.

Your husband has every right to take his mother out once in a while, just the two of them. You should not be so dependent and needy that he cannot do this without you laying a huge guilt trip on him. I’m wondering is part of the problem between you and your husband is that you are too clingy, too needy.

A large part of the solution to this is for you to cultivate friends and activities that you enjoy. Take a look at Find your people - Meetup. Enter the city or zip codes in the area where you live and find things to do. You will meet other people who like the same things you do. You are a nurse. I’ll bet you can find a group of nurses. What are your hobbies? Find groups doing those, get out and meet people.

*You are accident prone. *

There is reason why you are accident prone. Do some work to find out why so you and stop having so many accidents. A person should be able to look at their own flaws and work to improve them. For example, you say that you’re your foot caught on carpet so you tripped. If this kind of thing happens to you often, it is most likely one of two things (or both). You don’t watch where you are going. So work on watching where you are going. And/or you don’t pick your feet up high enough when you walk. So do exercises in which you emphasize picking your feet up higher when you walk. Practice this. So now you can practice watching where you are going and picking your feet up higher when you walk (instead of dragging your feet. I tend to do both of these things and have worked to retrain myself. This becomes more and more important as you get older. The last thing you want to do is to have the kind of fall you did when you are an old lady. I learned what a hazard this is watching my poor mother have some bad falls.

All of your primarily about what’s wrong with your husband. Sure, he sounds like a cad for yelling at you when you broke your ankle. Not good at all. But you cannot change him. You can only change yourself. And I’m sure that you hope that he will follow your lead and change as well to improve your marriage so that the two of you can be happy again. But that’s up to him.
You are responsible for your own happiness. You said that “I feel like I am bitter and rude. How did I change to this horrible person? Husband doesn’t try to uplift me”. It’s your job to uplift yourself. It’s your job to get yourself out of this funk you have allowed yourself to fall into.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Re: Is divorce my only option??*



melissab said:


> Right now I am not working and cannot afford counseling, husband would refuse going too.


Getting a divorce is typically a lot more expensive than counselling... 

C


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Based on only the story as given by melissab (“OP”), if the OP’s husband were to post on this site he could post something like the following.

Dear TAM. When I first married my wife melissab almost 9 years ago, she worked at a job that paid very well. It was my hope that if we both worked hard and made good money in the early years of our marriage that we could build ourselves up financially such that we could better pursue our dreams. This was not to be, as only a couple years into our marriage melissab decided that she wanted to go back to school to pursue a nursing career; since she does not even talk to her Mother, I was to take on the financial role of a parent as she went back to school. Since that time until today, she had for the most part not been able to financially contribute her fair share as was agreed upon when we first got married. Now that she is finally done with school (she finished this August) and is waiting for California to approve her license in the next few weeks, my wife is now telling me that she will not support me in pursing my dreams. To make matters worse, she is finding reasons to distance herself from me using such excuses as saying that I did not emotionally support her enough when first my Grandma and then later when my Grandpa died; yes you read that right, they were my grandparents and yet the grieving was suppose to be all about her and her loss. Recently she even got upset with me when I wanted to go out to dinner with my own mother, I kid you not. I get the feeling that now that she is ready to begin making good money and no longer needs me, that she is positioning herself to make me the bad guy so that she can divorce me, and be freed up to maybe pursue a doctor or someone else with a good paying job in the medical industry. After almost 9 years of marriage, I would not see the benefit of her education that I sacrificed to help her pay for, and would be starting over again worse off than 9 years ago because of the debt incurred to pay for her education.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRy said:


> This was not to be, as only a couple years into our marriage melissab decided that she wanted to go back to school to pursue a nursing career;


From her other thread, melissab was laid off at 2008 from a very good paying job. Like so many others in this bad economy, without college degree she could not find a job paying close to what she made on the previous job. That's why she went back to school and worked part time to bring in as much as she could. 

Clearly her going back to school was not frivolous. If her husband was not willing to work as a team with her to help get her into a more secure and more lucrative career field, he could have just dumped her. He had choices. 




TRy said:


> After almost 9 years of marriage, I would not see the benefit of her education that I sacrificed to help her pay for, and would be starting over again worse off than 9 years ago because of the debt incurred to pay for her education.



If they divorce, he will benefit from her education:

The alimony he'd have to pay as the high wage earner will be much lower or not at all because she is completely capable of being self supporting now.

He is not responsible for her school debt. That is sole debt that she would take with her 100% if they divorce.

However, your basic point is correct. If her husband were here , we'd be getting his side.. and it would be very different.

This is a very broken marriage. She's here asking, so she's the one who needs start working to fix it.


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

Revamped said:


> It seems you two don't know each other very well anymore. The idea of a conversation turns into a confrontation.
> 
> Try something on neutral ground. A silly game of cards like Uno. Or PictioNary. Your own version of FIll In The Blank. Something to get you guys talking without animosity or defensiveness.
> 
> I think both of you are stuck in a rut about who does what to whom syndrome. Always placing blame but not hearing the other side. Reflect on that...



Good Idea. I will try this. I want to sit down and come up with lists; things that he needs from me, what I need from him, things we can do together and goals with actions.


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Unfortunately there are some nasty, bitter victims here with a women evil mentality that look for a punching bag. Ignore them. Other guys will give good advice, you'll know them because their advice will be thoughtful and they won't name call.


I am sorry that someone is evil and hurting others. I know that it's naive but I wish people would stop acting like that and just be helpful. 
M


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

melissab said:


> Good Idea. I will try this. I want to sit down and come up with lists; things that he needs from me, what I need from him, things we can do together and goals with actions.


Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs".. it will help you with this list.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Congratulations on getting your degree, that is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. 

Losing close family members is very hard to deal with and it takes time to grieve that loss. I too lost my Gma and my Gma who I was very close to in a matter of 14 months of one another. It was very stressful as they family situation was messy and things have not resolved themselves since, family is split.

Could you be going thru a bit of a depression? Have you thought of counseling? 

Your husband has his own stresses too even if he is not expressing them and that could be part of his snappiness towards you. This too could be a parent tape going off and this is what his parents would say to him but he is not showing compassion by saying you are being over sensitive and it does make it harder when you cannot approach him on the subject.

I think it is nice to have that comfort and support from our spouse but I can say from my own experiences that it is not always there like we think it should be.

I recently had a bike accident, hit my head on the concrete. Husband was with me. I am the type to keep going and try to shake off any pain and do not share what is going on. I hopped right back on my bike. Husband looks at me real odd and asks if I am okay. I tell him I am. He tells me my head is bleeding. I wipe my head and sure enough, I didn't realize. He offers his dirty handkerchief which is about as kind as my husband gets.

Men are brought up with different rules from the time they are born. Being strong and being tough is important for their survival. I think they have a hard time being tender, caring loving and understanding unless you are their new chase (love).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Clearly her going back to school was not frivolous. If her husband was not willing to work as a team with her to help get her into a more secure and more lucrative career field, he could have just dumped her. He had choices.


 No one said that it was frivolous, only that it was pursing her dream and not his. And you are right he could have dumped her but he did not. He instead stood by her, which is something that the OP is undervaluing in her posts. 



EleGirl said:


> If they divorce, he will benefit from her education:
> 
> The alimony he'd have to pay as the high wage earner will be much lower or not at all because she is completely capable of being self supporting now.


 The OP's husband is in a job that he does not enjoy and is not a big wage earner. The only reason that he was the high wage earner in this marriage is because she was not working. Had she continued working there would be no issue of him paying alimony at all, so there is no alimony benifit to the husband for her education. Since the OP is considering divorce now that she can finally begin to start making more money that him, he will have seen only the down side of her pursing her non-frivolous education that will help only her in the future if she divorces him. He would have also, put his dreams on hold for 9 years as he has to start over. Just calling it like it is. He is worse off and not better of because of her pursing her education if they divorce now.



EleGirl said:


> He is not responsible for her school debt. That is sole debt that she would take with her 100% if they divorce.


 How it usually works is that she will take on the official student loan debt, and he will take on all the other non-student loans that they accumulated to pay the bills because she was not working. Debt that he did not have 9 years ago when he entered into the marriage. Thus if she divorces him now, he will have the same low career options that he had when he entered the marriage, but now he will have debt that he did not have 9 years ago. He is worse off no matter how you look at it.

The OP needs to be told the truth about the situation, and not be allowed to spin it to make her look good as she dumps her husband after she got what she needed out of him. The OP's husband has always worked to pay the bills, is not a drug addict, does not beat her, is not in an affair, and her complaints are about such things as him not supporting her enough when "his" grandparents died, so he does not sound like that bad a husband. Since as a human the OP's husband is not perfect, she will always be able to find fault with her husband, if finding fault so that she can rationalize leaving him is her goal, and that is what it looks like to me. The bottom line is that he could have dumped her when she need him and she was a financial drain on the marriage, but he did not. For her to now think of dumping her husband now that the shoe might start to be on the other foot, would not be fair to the husband. The OP needs to own the reality of her actions, and not be allowed to use TAM to support her as she dumps her husband just because she is the one posting.


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## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You confuse things by posting two threads in different places giving very different (or contradictory just different) information. I’m posting this on both of your current threads…
> 
> 
> The other one is at : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financial-problems-marriage/236034-wanting-too-much.html
> ...


Thank you very much for your honest and insightful reply. Sometimes I just need to hear an outside person's thoughts/ views. I know that I am 1/2 of the problem here. I did purchase a few books "His needs, her needs" and another one. We are making it a priority to talk and be on the same page. 
Thank you again for taking the time and reading all my posts and offering your advice and suggestions. Wishing you all the best. 
M


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope it works out for you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sounds like you have a negativity streak going on.

It's time to change that.

a) be positive and optimistic and ignore the side of you that's negative or bringing you down.

b) recognize that those special people that past away would HATE to see you unhappy and depressed. They would all want you to be happy.

c) start taking steps....as in physical activity. Start exercising, go for hikes....play sports.....get the blood going in your body. This will do wonders for your state of being.

d) apologize for your bad streak to your loved one. Chances are high you have pulled him into the same rut that you are in.

Take actions to make things better is your only solution. 

Dwelling on the past, focusing on negative things and being falling deeper into the hole will only make your situation that much worse.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Yet another walk-away-wife. Just leave him. For HIM, not you.


Dude...based on all your posts, you need some serious IC. Not everyone is a damn WAW and if they are, there is usually good reason.


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