# Need help with stopping affair to save my family



## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

Last wednesday I caught my wife with another man in his car at her work. I had suspected an affair was going on, but I was only trying to visit her before she started her shift that day to wish her well, and to make sure she had enough gas money to get home. That night after she came home I confronted her about it and she admitted that she had been seeing this guy for the last 3 months and that she loves him. The problem is, we have been together for 7 years and she still loves me, but she doesn't want to end the affair so she left our 4 year old son and I to live with the neighbors down the street for a while. 

She still sees our son when she can. She wants to file for a legal separation. Over the course of the last 7 years she had been abusing different substances to get away from everything. Mostly things like pot, spice, and cough syrup. Also during that time I was addicted to internet gaming. 2 months ago I ended my addiction, disassembled my gaming computer and placed it in the basement; I also gave her my computer monitor. My wife made the decision to stop abusing substances last Thursday and so far she has kept her word on that.

I want more than anything to convince her that it is worth stopping her affair and working on our marriage. Especially so since we have ended the root of our problems. I say root because her substance abuse drove me to hate going to work, because all of our money was being sucked into her habits. I couldn't talk with her about our problems when she was on that stuff, which was ALL the time. So during the last 4 years I've gone from job to job, with gaps in between of unemployment. I felt like I had no escape from the issues going on so I became more and more sucked into my own addiction.

Recently, I have been working warehouse type jobs just to show that I am trying while I wait to get back into my trade of electronic repair. I plan on renting a house asap and buying a new car somewhere in the near future. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, keeping it together and working things out with my wife are more important than ANYTHING. She wants to call me tonight around midnight to "talk about things." I seriously doubt that she wants to end the affair right now, but is there anything I can tell her tonight that might make her seriously consider choosing me over this guy she has only known for 3 months?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell her that you will not accept a marriage with three people in it, that you are not willing to get a legal seperation and will proceed straight to divorce. Tell her you intend to see an attorney ASAP, do not negotate anything.....that until he is our of her life you will not discuss anything other than your child, finances, and divorce. 

You have to take the strong position here, don't beg and grovel, to have a chance of saving your marriage she needs to see that she is risking losing you for good, knock her out of her candyland fog. She is trying to have her cake and eat it to, don't allow this. 


Protect yourself financially, pull 1/2 money out of joint accounts, if you have auto-deposit from work - stop it or change accounts.


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Stop funding her drug abuse. Look what it got you into, your wife on some guy's ..... Empty your bank accounts and dont give her a penny.

In the mean time get tested for STD's.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gwim said:


> The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.


Don't tell me you're thinking about getting back together?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters, read the newbie link my signature you will find much of it helpful and you will understand the abbreviations and terms we use here


step 1- stop trying to win her back, she finds the begging very unattractive and merely views you as someone in the way of her affair. She is using separation so she can have the freedom to cheat and keep you as her back up plan. 

step 2- you inform her that it is either end the affair and do what it takes to save the marriage or you file for divorce. In fact you should see an attorney now. NO separation, it's "him or me" time. I know you are afraid of the answer but in truth nothing else is going to work so you have nothing to lose. If she chooses him, then you have already lost her.

step 3- expose to the OM's wife if he is married, expose to the HR department that your wife and OM are using company time and resources to carry on an inappropriate relationship that is very likely against company policy, also expose to her family and let them know what she is doing. Will she get angry? you bet she will, shining a big old light on the affair will take away the excitement of it. 

step 4- see your doctor for std testing and possible meds to help you through such a hard time.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You can't talk or rationalize her out of an affair - it's just too addictive - yes addictive - just like drugs. And, just like helping someone beat a drug addiction often times you have to give them some very tough love to get them to face the problem before you can really help them - this is the situation you are in. 

The reality is that if you try to reason with her you will only make yourself look weak in her eyes and push her toward the OM. Fight for your marriage, tell you won't accept a third person in it and that if she doesn't give it up and go total NC you're going to divorce her.

Find the newbie thread here and read it - it will help.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

gwim said:


> The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.


then why torture yourself with trying to win her back, I speak from experience, nothing you do that doesn't present consequences for her actions will NOT work.


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

gwim said:


> The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.


Then it's already over unless you're willing to accept your wife having a boyfriend. Find your self respect and put up a fight, you might find that if you do she'll come around.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gwim said:


> She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.


Oh WOW, but now she is sharing chemistry with the OM. For the last 3 months actually. And she left you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

gwim said:


> She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.


All of these points have absolutely no bearing on the fact that your wife is cheating on you. None. If you want your wife back you will have to try to bust her affair. You may or may not be able to but if you don't try you're doomed anyway. Fix it or break it trying.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

gwim said:


> She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.



sorry to say that your unconditional love is not enough

what you need to understand is that the best way to bring someone out of the dopamine rush that they experience during an affair is to show them just how hard it is to face reality instead of continuing to live the fantasy- ie. split schedule with your son, less money, exposure to those who will chastise her for her immoral decisions, etc


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw- you havent said, is OM married or have a SO?


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> All of these points have absolutely no bearing on the fact that your wife is cheating on you. None. If you want your wife back you will have to try to bust her affair. You may or may not be able to but if you don't try you're doomed anyway. Fix it or break it trying.


How should I try? What should I say?

I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

gwim said:


> She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.


You're scrambling to save what you can and are undertaking a damage limitation process. It's a natural feeling to do what you are doing, but please listen to the advice given. We here all speak from a position of experience, not ideals.
Let her fantasy face reality and see how it holds up. Whatever you do, do NOT go down the road of legal seperation. It's a paperwork nightmare that will ALLOW her to keep seeing this OM without consequence and will only serve to keep her focused on him. You need to pull the rug out from under her feet and let her find her balance herself without your support or acquiescence.


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> btw- you havent said, is OM married or have a SO?


I believe he is single with no children.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

gwim said:


> I believe he is single with no children.


And I'll bet he will try and stay that way.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

gwim said:


> How should I try? What should I say?
> 
> I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.




you can't reason with someone who is behaving illogically 

you can only show her what the consequences are for her behavior. 

-pull the divorce option, no separation, it's R or D
- expose, expose, expose
- separate finances and make it hard for her to carry on a fun affair


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

gwim said:


> I believe he is single with no children.



tell the HR department

nearly all workplaces have a policy against such inappropriate behavior

do NOT be afraid to use this option


also, are you certain he's single or was that was she told you, investigate the OM


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

gwim said:


> How should I try? What should I say?
> 
> I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.


You're going to have to put the marriage on the table to have a chance of saving it. You are going to have to tell her she can't have both and if she tries to you are going to divorce her - and you're going to have to mean it or she'll call your bluff. It's very much a set it free and see if it comes back to you kind of deal. Read the newbie thread Almostrecovered suggested.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

newbie thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

gwim said:


> She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.


Her love for you is not unconditional, or else she would not be banging another dude.

Have sonme self respect and file for divorce. It might just shock her into dumpin the OM. If she goes along with it, she was never serious about reconciling with you anyway and is just using you as a doormat and safety net. She moved out so you cannot track her movements and so she can f*ck the OM without you knowing.

Get your head out of your a*s. No one can give their love to two people. She does not love you.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

As hard as it will be, you must tell her 2 people ONLY in a marriage...no more contact with the other man, or divorce. It is the only, only way to ever get out of this. If she choses to go...you must let her, it's soooo hard, I know. 9 times out of 10...she will be back, and soon. Her relationship with the OM probably won't last either. Just focus on yourself and your child...and do not settle. Do not beg. Do not plead. It will not work. I'm so sorry you have to go through this...it sucks. I am proof it can get better....much better than it was before, but the first step is NO CONTACT with the other man. Until that, you got nothin'.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your input. It is very much appreciated from someone in my position as you well know. I'm going to bring these points up in our conversation tonight: I'm going to explain to her one last time about how she is hurting our son and I, that things have really turned in our favor recently (except for the affair ofcourse), how that guy is no good especially since he was willing to initiate something with a married woman, and I'm going to let her know that I cannot put myself through this any longer. If she cannot choose family and love over infidelity, I'm going to file for divorce and I'm calling her work's HR department.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

gwim said:


> Thank you everyone for your input. It is very much appreciated from someone in my position as you well know. I'm going to bring these points up in our conversation tonight: I'm going to explain to her one last time about how she is hurting our son and I, that things have really turned in our favor recently (except for the affair ofcourse), how that guy is no good especially since he was willing to initiate something with a married woman, and I'm going to let her know that I cannot put myself through this any longer. If she cannot choose family and love over infidelity, I'm going to file for divorce and I'm calling her work's HR department.


Do not tell her you are calling HR. if you are doing it, just go ahead and do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Be ready because she will throw all the blame for her affair on you. She will try to call your bluff. Be prepared for her to lash out and call you every vile name in the book. She will compare your manhood to the OM's. 

If you a have a voice recorder or camcorder, see if you can record this session with her. 

Stay calm at all times and do not let her bait you or make you lose your temper. If you have to, quietly get up and leave the room and let her cool down. 

Call an attorney right now and set up an appointment. Let her know when your appointment is going to be.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Do not tell her you are calling HR. if you are doing it, just go ahead and do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. Gwim, don't show your hand. Don't tell her what you are going to do, except for the divorce part.

Also, you need to expose her to her family if you have not already done so.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you take pictures when you busted them?


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Did you take pictures when you busted them?


No, they saw me before I had a chance to do anything.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gwim said:


> No, they saw me before I had a chance to do anything.


What exactly were they doing? naked or no?


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

keko said:


> What exactly were they doing? naked or no?


No, she was laying on his lap either to just lay on his lap or do you know what.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ughhh. Divorce her and be done with her. She doesn't deserve your love or loyalty. Why do this to yourself?


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## gwim (Mar 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Ughhh. Divorce her and be done with her. She doesn't deserve your love or loyalty. Why do this to yourself?


I'm mainly worried about my child. He deserves to have both his parents living with him. He is innocent in all of this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

gwim said:


> I'm mainly worried about my child. He deserves to have both his parents living with him. He is innocent in all of this.


Gwim

He deserves to have a father who is not a cuckold and who is willing to stand up for his rights as a husband.

He deserves to have a father who will demonstrate self respect and honor to him.

He deserves to have parents who are devoted and monogamous to one another. 

He deserves to live in an environment where his father and mother are home at the same time.... a fully intact family. 

If not, then learning to live with divorced parenets is a much better option for him.

Your wife is humiliating you in front of him, and will continue to do so. How is that in any way condusive to the proper raising of a child... especially a boy who needs you to show hiom what it means to be a man. Are you going to let another man be his co-father?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gwim said:


> I'm mainly worried about my child. He deserves to have both his parents living with him. He is innocent in all of this.


But your wife is a substance abuser, what kind of a child can she raise?...

If you really love your child you would find a good woman to look after it. Did you think about what your child's future would be with his/her mother doing drugs in the house in front of her/him?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You are looking for excuses to stay in a broken relationship with a drug abuser and cheater.

How unconditional is your love? If she starts sleeping with two guys are you ok with that? 

If she starts taking on multiple guys at one time in your marital bed is that ok?

If she starts verbally abusing you is that acceptable?

What if she starts verbally abusing your son?

What about physical abuse?

My point is that your love for her ISN'T unconditional. That is an excuse you are using because you are afraid of change. The marriage you thought you had was an illusion. What you are seeing now is reality.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

gwim said:


> I'm mainly worried about my child. He deserves to have both his parents living with him. He is innocent in all of this.


Your son deserves to see a good male role model. Good male role models don't let their wife sleep around on them.

Man up, for God's sake.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Agreed, if she is a drug addict then she is most likely turning tricks for her fix. No telling how many men other than the oM she has bedded. 

Nasty.....


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch.


that's quite the chemistry you got there, buddy.


she wants to file for seperation so she can "cake eat." if sh1t doesn't work out with her beau, she can always come back to you. hence, resorting for _legal seperation _instead of _divorce_. don't fall for it. if she wants out, you go all the way- DIVORCE!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, in all your posts, you've been saying that my son this and my son that....Okay, I get it. But, it kinda sounds like you're going to use your son as a barganning chip to get her back in the marriage. Don't do that to your boy. If you dedicate yourself to being the best father that you can be to that kid, then he's going to hurt for the break up of your marriage, but he'll be fine in the end. 

You're not going to convince her to come back. I mean, MY GOD, she left you AND her child for OM, what woman does this? Chooses an man over her own child. Cares more for this OM than you or your son. Dude, you deserve better....so much more than this...

Bandit is right on what he's posted. From this point out, I would record all conversation with her, and take notes on EVERYTHING! Not the date when she left, this is important because your lawyer could get you full custody of your kid because she abandoned the martial home.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Yeah you keep making it all about your son. 

It's not about your son, it's about you. He'll be fine. Regardless of whether his parents are together or not. If you're right and she's bipolar, and she's happier with the other guy then your son might be in better shape if she's in a happy relationship rather than one that has been full of problems from the very start which you admit yours has been. 



gwim said:


> I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.


She's actually not doing all that much damage to your son if she's discretely fooling around with this other guy. 

The damage is being done to YOU, and she doesn't care. Like you said right here:



gwim said:


> The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.


You are just in her way right now. 

You can't convince her of anyting.

Try convincing yourself that you're just wasting your time and saying you are doing this to "protect" your son, it's not necessary. 

Kids do fine after divorce if it's handled well. Better than having two parents who fight all the time.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

gwim said:


> I want more than anything to convince her that it is worth stopping her affair and working on our marriage.


You can't. She has to want it herself, you can't convince her of ANYTHING because in her mind you are the enemy to her happiness.



> The only issue with that is if I pursue divorce, I'm pretty sure she will go along with it.


At first yes, but she may change her mind before it gets finalized. Only about half ever do.

If she does then that tells you she doesn't want to be with you. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?




> She's the mother of my child, and I love her unconditionally. We share a chemistry and friendship together that no one can touch. I've made some mistakes in the past and so has she.


Now you are making excuses. Everyone thinks this, your relationship isn't really that special or else she wouldn't have cheated, would she?

You are in denial.



> I've tried explaining to her how much damage she is doing to our son and I and she doesn't seem to see it right now. I know it will hit her sooner or later, but I'm trying to reduce the emotional damage to our son as much as possible because he is already exhibiting signs of bipolar disorder, and I'm pretty sure she has it too.


You are wasting your breath. When they are in an affair only the affair matters, they do not care about who they hurt. They are not capable of empathy at this state.

You are going to try to rationalize with her and you will fail. You can't rationalize with the irrational and that's what she is. 

The only course of action that will do any good is dropping the hammer on her and hope that she wakes up before its too late. They more you try to talk her into giving up the affair, the more she will resist you. She disrespected you and broke the marriage, she has to fix it, not you. You need to file for a D and leave it up to her to stop you if a R is ever going to work.

Know this, its NOT your fault and you CAN'T talk her into anything. She has to want it on her own and the more you try to get away from her (by standing up for yourself and not allowing her to get away with cheating on you) the more she will want you. The nicer you are to her, the worse you'll make things. You can never "nice" them back.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

In regards to your son, remember that when you are flying on an airliner, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first. 

If you don't do that, you will pass out before you can put the mask on your child.

It is no different in the rest of life. You have to be as mentally healthy as you can be to take care of your kids. What you are living with is the antithesis of healthy living. 

Just let her go. She is currently a cancer that will eat away at the other members of your family with her present actions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best way to stop the affair is to make your self more attractive emotionally, and physicly. So start with a positive out look in letting her go and moving on, distance your self and your child from her. This will get her to second guess her choices when she see you distance your self and any friendship with her is out of the question.

Don't beg, and yes it sucks but until she she sees you with a positive additude and the large amount of time you spend with your kid she will start to think twice. Go work out/exirsice, get a hair cut and buy some new clothes.

The second thing is to expose it to work, family and friends. The intent here is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. Tell everyone you caught your wife's head in the lap of another man and would like there support in helping repair there marriage.

The last thing is stand your ground as you push her furture away and make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible, you only response to you wife should be "until you stop all contact with OM you and the kid are moving on"

She will want to give you all kinds of crap and will be really pissed, but at the end of the day she abandoned you and the kid, it is her choice to stop all contact or not.

The last thing that *may* end the affair is seeing a lawyer and have her served, it will take months for it to go to court, but this scare tactic can be very effective in stopping the affair. She will see how serious you are and again, making the affair inconvienent to continue. Filing for divorce is just that filing, it final, it can be withdrawn.

The point to all of this is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue, she needs to see the consequences, you looking better/behaving better, lose of work and income, humilation from family nad friends. 



You no nothing about this guy so put the oxygen mask on your self 1st then but it on your child.

My point is this guy could hurt your kid, do not let your kid around your wife while she is with him. Talk to your lawyer about a moral clause. HENCE ANOTHER REASON TO TALK TO A LAWYER!

As painful as this is, you wanted to know how to stop the affair, in battle poeple get hurt, you are in a battle, make no mistake about that.

In short....move on, she'll come running back


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GWIM,

I will keep it short and sweet.

She is cheating on you.

She has no respect for you.

She has left you and her son.

What woman leaves her kids.

A really messed up one!!!

Move on and stop being a doormat.

Good Luck and get Tough,

HM64


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Some people have to suffer alot before they get see the writing on the wall sometimes.

Hopefully gwim isn't one of them, if you wanna fight for your wife to make a family for your child then you've lost already.

She knows you won't do anything as long as she dangles that carrot in front of you once in a while.

Take the advice of those here and start working on you, like many have said, no real MOTHER would LEAVE their child.


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