# Need parenting advice. Daughter snooping in my phone!



## Sparrow77

It's been a while since I've posted. Last time I was here I had caught my husband in and EA possible PA. We've since divorced. We did an in home separation for almost a year while he said he was looking for a place to rent. I finally decided to move out of the family home after months of waiting for him to leave. The tension in the house was palpable and it wasn't good for any of us. Also, wehad been sleeping in different rooms for a few years prior and I felt bad about the kids seeing this example of marriage. So, as usual, I took action and moved in July 2016. 

A few months prior to actually moving, I had developed a close relationship with an old co-worker. We saw each other ocassionally for lunch but mainly texted or emailed. 

My 11 year old daughter saw me texting him one day and decided to watch me enter my password and later use it to get into my phone and read our text messages. I found out later when she asked me about the messages. I was intially very sensitive to her concern because of the upcoming move (which she was aware of) and changes in our family. I tried to explain that while her dad and I lived in the same home, we were no longer a couple and that this person was not my boyfriend but someone I liked talking to. 

Now, almost 9 months later, our relationship has progressed. We are seeing each other exclusively but only during the times when my kids are with their dad. Usually two days a week. On occasion he has come over while the kids are here, and twice brought dinner. The visits are short and we do not show any affection in front of the kids. My 11 year old will not speak to him and has mostly stayed in her room the few times he's been here. My 14 year old daughter is a bit more accepting but doesn't love the idea of me having anyone in my life. 

Over the last few months she has continued to use every opportunity she can to snoop in my phone or review text messages on my iwatch. She once even took my watch when she went to visit her dad, I think in an attempt to keep me from communicating with my friend. I have told her that it is an invasion of my privacy and that she is not to read my messages without permission. I have taken away her own phone as a punishment but it doesn't seem to phase her. 

I'm looking for advice on how to handle this. Mainly her repeated invasion of my privacy. It is my feeling that she doesn't believe I should have a life separate from her and that she should know where i am and what I'm doing at all times. She says she doesn't like my friend, that he is ugly and nerdy and she just doesn't want him around. Usually, if she is staying with her dad and I'm spending time with my friend, I don't tell her about it. I've reassured her many times that she and her sister come first. 

I've tried to be understanding in the past because I realize that the divorce, and the changes that come with it, are hard for the kids. But I feel like perhaps I'm not being harsh enough because I almost feel like she wants to keep tabs on me and try to control what I'm doing.


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## Hope1964

Who is the parent - you or her??

Tell her in no uncertain terms that if she does it again, she will be PUNISHED. Obviously taking her own phone away isn't punitive enough so you're going to have to come up with something she really hates. And then DO it. She's just becoming a teenager - if you don't nip this in the bud now and step up as the parent, she's gonna run ALL OVER you in a couple more years. Stop trying to be her friend and nice to her - that never works. You have to be the mean mom.

THE MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD


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## Keke24

Ooooh child the kind of licking I would have gotten if I had ever tried this. Would not have even fathomed doing this to begin with. 

@Sparrow77 clearly the phone punishment isn't working. There needs to be harsher consequences for her actions. Also, what is her father's response to this? He should be working together with you on this, especially that instance where she took the phone when heading off to his house. I hope he's not encouraging this behavior in a subtle way. Like getting her to spy on your interactions with the man you're dating or suggesting bad stuff about him or you in general for dating. 

Also, did you or her father allow her certain privacies and then invade them later? I'm trying to figure if maybe the repeated invasion despite your corrections is an example she learned at home...


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## EleGirl

I agree with Hope. But there is another issue here as well.

It is really way too early for you to be brining another man around your children. They are having a hard time adjusting for good reason. The last thing they need is to have to deal with a man in your life.


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## Jessica38

EleGirl said:


> I agree with Hope. But there is another issue here as well.
> 
> It is really way too early for you to be brining another man around your children. They are having a hard time adjusting for good reason. The last thing they need is to have to deal with a man in your life.


This. You weren't even legally separated before getting involved with this man, which makes it technically an affair. I don't mean to be harsh, but your daughter is enforcing stronger boundaries than you did. I understand you were in an unhappy marriage, but even a legal separation does not mean you were divorced and single. Many marriages turn around after the wake-up call of separation. In fact, Dr. Harley (His Needs, Her Needs) recommends separation for women who are neglected by their husbands, or whose husbands have anger problems. In no way does that mean it's time to date others.

I'd listen to your daughter's complaints and apologize to her for betraying your then-husband, as well as her.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Jessica38 said:


> I'd listen to your daughter's complaints and apologize to her for betraying your then-husband, as well as her.


I disagree with this. It's none of the daughters business really and if she apologizes to them then it gives them power over the situation. The OP is the parent and doesn't owe them an apology. 

OP-I certainly hope that you changed the password on your phone and that you're now more protective of your watch. You'll have to be on guard for the prying eyes & sticky fingers. Also, it is my opinion that you're introducing them to the guy a little too early. Back off on that. You do what you want to do when they're not around, but don't bring him to the house when they're home. Full disclosure-I don't have kids.


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## Maricha75

@Sparrow77, how long have you been divorced? I noticed the last time you posted was back in 2014, and in MC. I'm not going to say that 9 months is too soon to introduce your SO to your kids because that depends on the couple, IMO. My brother-in-law was a friend of my sister's for a few years before she divorced her husband over his infidelity, and he was around regularly. And I don't see anything wrong with having dinner a couple times either... JMO. But, I do understand why some don't agree with my opinion on that matter.

But, I do agree with what Hope said. YOU are the parent... you are not her friend. Your daughter is having a difficult time adjusting because, first, you are being a friend to her. Second, she has gotten confused because of all the living arrangement changes. You slept in separate rooms for years, and then divorced. From the timeline, it seems you were divorced, but still living together? No wonder she's confused! 

You have been seeing him, exclusively, pretty much since you moved out of the house. How do you think she sees this? For that matter, your older daughter may see it similarly. No, it does not excuse her behavior, but it does give you a look at what she is thinking. 

As for the password and devices... For goodness sake, change your passwords and make sure she can't see them! And don't allow her access to YOUR devices. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I disagree with this. It's none of the daughters business really and if she apologizes to them then it gives them power over the situation. The OP is the parent and doesn't owe them an apology.


A child's family IS their business. Her mom was living in the same home with her dad and seeing another man. Her daughter has every right to be concerned and upset, as she obviously is. 

I see we are going to have to agree to disagree here but on behalf of the OP's daughter, I do feel the need to say something. A child's family and their parents' marriage is 100% their business and can affect everything from their personal life to their ability to succeed in school. 

And many children have felt the need to take sides when one parent is cheating on the other. 

OP, I recommend you talk to your child. She may be feeling very insecure about her family life and need you to explain things to her, and I still stand by the fact that you might want to seriously consider her feelings about finding out that you were involved with another man before divorcing her father. *Also, you might want to get the kids into family counseling to deal with what happened.


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## Maricha75

I'm sorry, but I disagree with the notion that the OP should apologize to her child, or children, for talking to a coworker before moving out of the house. They were separated (you can be separated and still live under the same roof, in some states). Many people do date while separated. But, the way she wrote the original post, he was dragging his heels on moving out, so she did it. The timeline is unclear, but if they actually were divorced already, when she moved out, then her dating the other guy makes no difference anyway. But, considering her ex-husband's infidelity started this whole thing, I, personally, don't see how you can even think she SHOULD apologize for starting to talk someone just before moving out.

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## Hope1964

The daughter needs some care and attention, but NOT about the phone issue. That has GOT to be a line in the sand. OP has been trying to be her friend because she feels guilty about 'breaking up the family'. BAD idea. The children need a strong mother, not one trying to please everyone and int he process pleasing no one and putting herself through the wringer.

The kids need counseling. From someone who deals with marital break ups. At the very least they should be in a group like this one

Grief Support, Youth Support Programs, Helping Children With Loss // Home


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## Jessica38

OP, does your daughter know about your husband's infidelity? If not, I'd want to discuss it with her with a good therapist. 

I see a child who is very upset with the turmoil in her family life and is likely very confused about what went on and why. I do think kids need the facts (in an age-appropriate way). It seems like she's trying to intervene to keep her mom from having a relationship with this guy, and she needs to understand why her mom was in contact with him to begin with while still living with her father.

I understand some couples do in-house separation, but they are still legally married, and the whole situation is confusing for adults, let alone children. 

I don't think harsher consequences are what's needed here. Set boundaries, yes, but after you've addressed your daughter's very real issues about her family life and security exploding.


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## Hope1964

Jessica38 said:


> I don't think harsher consequences are what's needed here. Set boundaries, yes, but after you've addressed your daughter's very real issues about her family life and security exploding.


I totally disagree. Kids issues are NEVER fully addressed. A parent has to start from a position of power. As the parent you have GOT to be respected by your kids, or you'll lose them. Being their friend and letting them get away with crap because they've had a rough go of it are NOT doing them any favors.

The trick is to do it assertively, not aggressively. You don't have to whack them over the head with a 2x4. You have to gently but FIRMLY let them know what's what. The best way to do this is to lay out the consequences and then FOLLOW THROUGH on them. Nothing loses kids respect more than telling them something's going to happen and then not making sure it does. So for the phone, the daughter must NOT be allowed to think her mom is going to let her get away with stealing it and snooping. It HAS to be non negotiable. And by implementing a consequence that the daughter doesn't care about (taking her phone away) mom HAS made it negotiable. Rather than saying "If you don't stop snooping you're going to lose your phone" you have to say "Snooping on my phone is NOT allowed. What kind of punishment am I going to have to dish out for you to get that?"


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## chillymorn69

she nine yrs old. wondering whats up. mom moved out what do you think she thinking? usually dad moves out. now mom got a boyfriend fairly quick! and dad probably has been wondering the same thing maybe aloud where small ears could hear accidently on purpose.

have a talk and keep your phone locked down better.

parent or not if you want respect you have to earn it. Just because your a parent doesn't mean you get unconditional respect from your children.


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## frusdil

I absolutely agree that neither of your daughters should be reading your phone messages/emails etc. You need to change the password and/or keep them on your person so they can't get access to them. You need to set a clear boundary and then enforce a consequence if that boundary is breached.

I also agree that your poor little girl is so terribly confused, and grieving the loss of her family. It's very confusing for children when their parents separate, let alone continue to live together. Kids don't understand this, I don't either quite frankly.

Kids aren't stupid either - you did your girl a disservice when you told her your boyfriend was just a friend...she knows there was more than friendship going on. I don't know why parents do that. I mean, I do know why but it rarely works, as I said, kids aren't stupid - they know.

You moved out of the family home only 9 months ago. You may be ready to move on, you probably have been for some time and I understand that but your children are not. In their eyes, the separation began when you moved out, not a year prior when mum and dad were still living in the same house. Give them some time to catch up. See your boyfriend when the girls are with their father and don't have him come to the house until they've adjusted to the situation.

Divorce is incredibly traumatic for children, their worlds are torn apart. They need time to come to terms with the enormous loss of their intact family.


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## Satya

She punishes you because it makes you scramble and puts her in control. Otherwise, you are in control and she doesn't like who you spend your time with, because it's not what she agrees with. Even negative attention is still attention.

Unfortunately, she doesn't know that it doesn't matter what she wants. There's what she wants, then there's what IS. The world does not cater to her. 

Therapy will help her to learn what she can and cannot control. There's a lot of anger and resentment aimed at you. It's misguided. Don't expect this will just blow over. It will take Hope's recommendations mixed with therapy. Your daughter has zero respect for you.


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## Sparrow77

I appreciate the advice from everyone. Allow me to make things a bit more clear.
We were in counseling in 2014 and by the end of the year I knew I didn't have it in me to continue the marriage. The biggest red flag was that I could not bring myself to be intimate with him. I felt repulsed. 
I asked for a separation after the holidays. I thought that there was a small chance a separation would give me the space I needed at the time and possibly have a change of heart. He finally agreed to move out around March 2015. He wanted to wait until the kids were on summer break and out of school to lessen the disruption. I completely agreed. 

Summer came and went and he was still in the house. Then the holidays came around again and I told myself I wouldn't live another year this way. Jan 2016 I was so frustrated with him. He wouldn't move. He had many excuses. But all in all I think he did not take m seriously and felt that as he was in the house, he could continue to watch over me and have some control over what I was doing, separated or not. I told him that I would move instead. Just as I suspected, he was surprised! He hadn't taken me seriously all along. In the meantime I had met with an attorney and planed to file and have him served once the kids and I were out of the house. He was furious and decided to file for divorce. It took me several months to find a suitable place for me and the kids and one that would let me have our dog. 

I never told my kids about my ex's EA, possible PA, because I don't believe it is appropriate to provide every detail of the breakdown of our marriage. There were other factors before the affair that I also don't think they are mature enough to hear. Plus, I don't want them to lose respect for him or be angry with him for something that is between us.

Like one of the posters suggested, I was ready to move on way before I moved out. But I do recognize that it was much too early for the kids. FOr this reason, I have never referred to my new friend as a boyfriend.
He has been to our house maybe 5 times over the past 4 months while the kids are home, maybe an hour at a time. Most of the times my older daughter has sat with us in the kitchen and talked. I have never shown any affection toward him in front of them. 

My password has been changed and is secure. The recent snooping has been done from my watch. 
In talking to her, she says she is afraid I will change. Until recently, I rarely had time to myself to do thing with friends, enjoy a hobby etc. Planning any time away from the house, other than work, was difficult to do because my ex would pout and make sure I knew he wasn't happy about it. I was never sure if it was because he had to care for the kids while I was away or just because he didn't think I should be having any fun without him. So, now that I have a few days a week to myself, my 11 y/o is very concerned about what I am doing and with whom. She says it feels weird that I am not taking care of them and she is afraid of how this new freedom I have a few days a week will change me. 

Tonight I made it very clear that the snooping will not be tolerated. Period. I told her that there would be a consequence for this recent incident as well as for any in the future. I still don't know what the punishment will be. Her phone seems to be most valuable to her. I struggle with discipline lately because I do have guilt for tearing their family apart and I don't want to hand out punishments if what they really need is compassion and love. However, the phone issue seems pretty straight forward to me. 

Also, the kids have seen a therapist recently. My older one is currently going weekly for an issue she's had for many years. My 11y/o hardly participated when it was both kids and myself. Clearly, she could use some individual sessions. 

I have taken everyone's advice to heart, even those I don't necessarily agree with.


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## She'sStillGotIt

I don't believe in the silliness of 'apologizing to your daughter' for supposedly stepping out on their dad. Good god, what tripe. Not everyone believes in telling all their PRIVATE marital secrets to their kids which is just foolish and completely unnecessary, in my opinion. Young kids don't need to be burdened with their parents *private *marital issues. Jeez.

You're a smart cookie and I completely agree with how you handled things.

Do know that if you don't nip this crap in the bud FOR GOOD now, you can expect an obnoxious little witch by the age of 17 or 18 (and older!!) making your life pure HELL with *anyone* you're with. Happened to my brother. He too wanted to be the 'friend' and overcompensate for his 13 year old daughter when her mother ran off with some guy, so he constantly pandered to his daughter. He ended up with a complete *monster* at 18 who thought the world owed her everything, and she had NO problem treating any of the girlfriends he brought home as though they were dirt under her feet. The horrifically disrespectful things she said to them and her horrible behavior around them drove EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM away. And that's because my brother was too afraid to be the PARENT because he was too busy STILL overcompensating.

That is the truth. Nip it in the bud for GOOD or you'll regret it.

Good luck to you.


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## Hope1964

I just remembered something I did when I was going through a divorce and when I was planning on getting remarried. I should have done it more than I did, but I tried to go on a 'date' with each kid at least twice a year (I have 3 kids) and once a year I tried to take each of them away alone with me somewhere special for a weekend. For the yearly thing I'd ask them what they wanted to do, where they wanted to go, and how they wanted to get there. So we ended up doing things like camping in a tent at a lake, getting a hotel in the mountains and hiking, staying at the hot springs, getting a theme room at West Edmonton Mall, that type of thing. For the 'date' I usually just took them out to a restaurant of their choice for dinner and a leisurely visit one on one.

This is something my parents did with me as I was growing up, and they weren't going through a divorce - they just did it because it's a great idea for ANY parent!


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## frusdil

Sparrow77 said:


> I struggle with discipline lately because I do have guilt for tearing their family apart and I don't want to hand out punishments if what they really need is compassion and love. However, the phone issue seems pretty straight forward to me.


I know what you're saying, I get it. Try to think of it this way though - kids act out when they feel insecure and like things are out of control. They are crying out for boundaries even though they'd never admit it. Boundaries and rules make kids feel safe...you'll notice a change in your daughters behaviour after you've enforced consequences once or twice...

There's a world of difference between boundaries, discipline and consequences; and punishment.


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