# Mother in law interfering with my marriage



## Funkygal23

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my story and any advice would be appreciated.

My story starts 11 years ago when I met my husband. I was 15, he was 16 and we fell in love and started dating. We got engaged a month after I graduated school and married 6 months later when I was 18, he was 19. We had major issues with my family (dad, mum, 2 brothers and sister). They refused to accept him, tried to stop our wedding. But I stood up to my family, refusing to believe their crap about my partner. My family did not take this well so I stopped talking to them and having them in my life, Which went on for 3 years.

So now everything ok with my family but my mother in law is [email protected]^king crazy. She verbally abuses me a lot, in front of my husband and he never stands up for me, I've heard her lie straight to my husbands face about me, she manipulates a lot of our relationship so he tells me I'm the messed up person, he never believes a thing I tell him about the horrible thingsshesays to me. This has been going on for 6 years. Ever since our first son was born. Most of her attacks are about me as a mother. Which are so not true because I'm a damn good mum who loves her kids and he knows that.

Now I'm getting to a point where I don't know if I can go on like this any more. I mean I had the balls to stand up to my family when I needed to but he won't for me. 

She's a huge bully in my life and my husband never helps me. He's so manipulated by her or he just doesn't want to standup to his mum. When it's just me and him, we are great. Good team at parenting and love each other. But is love not enough anymore? Am I falling out of love because of his actions, or lack of. I'm so confused. I suppose the best thing to do is to really lay it on the table to him. Tell him exactly how I feel, His reaction will be a lot. Will he try to change and be the husband I need? I'm really scared of that answer

I suppose I answered myself. But what would you do?


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## 225985

You are right. The problem is your husband more than your MIL. He is 27 (if my math is right) and still manipulated by mommy. 

Do/Can you confront her (calmly but firmly) in front of your husband saying that you will not tolerate this behavior and that if she wants to continue to be part of your and her grandchildren's lives then this behavior will stop immediately.

If H does not have the b***s to stand up to his mom, tell him that you will say the above to his mom when he is present and that he must support you when you do this. 

Make it clear to him that MIL's behavior is putting HIS marriage a severe risk and time to man up. 

We never had in-law issues, so my advice has not been personally tested by me.


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## Funkygal23

Hi blueinbr, thx for the reply. Yes he is 27 years old and a father of 3 and still is manipulated by his mommy. I have tried to confront her before but not those words. When I stand up to her she is 100 times worse,nwhich makes me scared to confront her in such a big way with out the help of my husband. 

Yes I agree I need to tell him how severe at risk our marriage is because of her. like I said, I guess I'm just reaching a point where I don't want to live another 6 years I've this. Because I'd rather be single and lose him than live this like


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## 225985

Funkygal23 said:


> I'd rather be single and lose him than live this like


Use those exact words. I am never one to rush to divorce, but threat of it is very powerful to correct not only unacceptable but intolerable behavior.

If he just ignores you or wimps out, say that you WILL be be single than live like this.


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## Orange_Pekoe

You mentioned that she verbally abuses you in front of your husband (which is alarming!). But that when you tell him about the horrible things she says to you, he doesn't believe you. Why is that? Is he blocking out bad memories?

First of all, try to distance yourself from her as much as possible, meaning, don't allow her to be a part of your day-to-day life. Does she live with you? 

Secondly, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her that you both love the same man (your husband/her son) and the same children (your kids/her grandkids) and that if there is constant tension between you two, then the entire family will feel it and it will affect everyone's life negatively. Tell her you want to be kind to each other and not say hurtful things. I don't know your MIL, but maybe she will calm down and stop the emotional manipulating etc.

And third, if that doesn't work, then tell her very respectfully and calmly in front of your husband (and with love) that this situation is hurting you and him and the marriage. Don't attack her because your husband will dislike that and be offended. It sounds like she would respond very harshly in which case your husband (if he's reasonable) will simply see with his own eyes the truth...

It's VERY important your husband prioritizes you and the kids. He needs to have your back. 100%. It doesn't mean he should ignore his mom but it does mean he should NOT allow her to verbally or emotionally hurt you. Maybe he should set down ground rules with his mom like "if you're not nice/civilized to my wife, I'll stop seeing you so much."


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## jb02157

I had the same problem. Both my MIL and BIL were a$$holes. They would interfere in just about everyway possible and MIL demanded that we buy a house right away and because I couldn't afford to because my wife had spent all of our money, I became Mr. Cheap A$$hole.

The only way this resolved itself, strangely enough, was that my wife made a comment to my boss's wife causing me to get fired and us having to move far away. I was still supposedly the one who caused this and I took the blame for moving the family away from them, but it took them out of our lives for awhile. 

This will take the love out of your marriage for sure. I would definitely have a talk with your husband about defending you in front of his mother or you will have to consider divorce. Because I didn't deal with having a bad wife and bad in-laws early on in my marriage, I'm now financially stuck with them. You definitely don't want to have a marriage like mine.


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## frusdil

Take it from someone who's issues with in-laws brought her to TAM...my username stands for frustrated daughter in-law. If you don't deal with this now, it WILL threaten your marriage. 

My husband and I are going through a rough patch at the moment, it started with in law problems and was then exacerbated by horrendous stress caused by his ex wife. I am resentful of the amount of BS I have to put up with from his side. If it's not the MIL it's the SIL, if it's not them it's the ex and sometimes his daughter. I'm sick of it, I just want a peaceful life.

Nip it in the bud now. It WON'T get better. Only worse if you leave it.


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## turnera

Funkygal23 said:


> I'm just reaching a point where I don't want to live another 6 years I've this. Because I'd rather be single and lose him than live this like


Tell him exactly this. And inform him that, in the meantime, you will not be spending any time around her.


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## highwood

Yeah the fact that he will not stand up for you is terrible...however not surprising just in my opinion from things I have read, etc....a lot of men find it hard to stand up to their mothers no matter what. It is like this fear of mommy being mad at them is more upsetting than their wives being upset with them.


to
I have seen little stuff like that in my marriage not to the extent of yours but more so little petty things but still annoying to ME..i.e....my husband hates thick bread..such as homemade bread..so one time I bought a bread machine and was making bread with it...he did not eat it as he said it is too thick....well one day after visiting his mom..he brings in two loaves of homemade bread which she had made and had given to him...exactly like the kind I made for a while...well you should have seen them within a week the bread was gone as he was eating it and commenting about how good it was......because the fear of not pleasing mom is more important than his wife I guess. 

If I was you...I would really think long and hard about your marriage because chances are this dynamic will not change...life is short...however I say that knowing that it is not always easy to make a major life change like leaving a marriage. Good luck to you!


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## Orange_Pekoe

peacem said:


> The problem is...when you have been raised in a crazy, dysfunctional family you tend to revert back to the old ways when you get together with them. At least that is what my husband tells me. He is a very confident and able human being when away from his family, but when his mother or sister play up he is putty in their hands; manipulated, demoralized and very co-dependent.
> 
> Your husband is probably fully aware of how your MIL treats you but he has learned to deal with her bad behaviour since birth and will instinctively revert to self preservation. It took me years to work out why my husband allowed his mother to bully him and me, I really misunderstood it. It was only when I talked to his brother that I began to piece it together that walking on eggshells, not rocking the boat, avoiding confrontation, keeping mum happy will always be no.1 priority to them whilst she is alive. They are hard-wired to it.
> 
> So how we survive it...I don't do anything. I keep myself to myself. She doesn't have any numbers to call me, I don't answer the door to her, I don't visit. If I meet her in public I am smiling and polite with the conversation kept very brief. She has my husbands number if she needs anything, he visits once a month with strict instructions not to discuss me in anyway shape or form. He exercises his need to be co-dependent and a mummy's good boy for a couple of hours - then comes home and gets on with his life. My BIL said "..I psyche myself up, I walk on eggshells, then go back home to my happy life.". This may be the approach your husband needs to take in order to build boundaries and compartmentalize the areas in his life. It's a rocky road to start with because dominating people do not like boundaries - but if you stick with it and are consistent they eventually concede that is how it has to be.
> 
> Don't let it spoil your marriage, that is what she wants. Take the clever approach and walk away from the drama.


omG, you described my MIL/ex-husband's relationship right up until the point where you mentioned he visits her once a month. My husband insisted we live with her and 3 other adults from his family...we lived together with them for 3 years...even after I left, threatened divorce, gave him separation papers and he finally "gave in" by moving in with me, he was over at her house 5am every morning before work, ate breakfast together, drove to work with his siblings, drove back to his mom's house after work, ate dinner, spent an hour there and then came home to me. And every weekend, he spent a day there with our daughter. MANY people advised me to take what I could get and just live with it.

I'm so happy that you have been able to establish boundaries and your husband was smart enough to not let his codependant relationship ruin his marriage!

In my case, I made my MIL, SIL, and BIL's wife very happy by opting to get a divorce.  But I'm hoping I will be able to build myself back up emotionally and psychologically, and eventually get to a point where I just do not care about them any more.


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## frusdil

peacem said:


> The problem is...when you have been raised in a crazy, dysfunctional family you tend to revert back to the old ways when you get together with them. At least that is what my husband tells me. He is a very confident and able human being when away from his family, but when his mother or sister play up he is putty in their hands; manipulated, demoralized and very co-dependent.
> 
> Your husband is probably fully aware of how your MIL treats you but he has learned to deal with her bad behaviour since birth and will instinctively revert to self preservation. It took me years to work out why my husband allowed his mother to bully him and me, I really misunderstood it. It was only when I talked to his brother that I began to piece it together that walking on eggshells, not rocking the boat, avoiding confrontation, keeping mum happy will always be no.1 priority to them whilst she is alive. They are hard-wired to it.
> 
> So how we survive it...I don't do anything. I keep myself to myself. She doesn't have any numbers to call me, I don't answer the door to her, I don't visit. If I meet her in public I am smiling and polite with the conversation kept very brief. She has my husbands number if she needs anything, he visits once a month with strict instructions not to discuss me in anyway shape or form. He exercises his need to be co-dependent and a mummy's good boy for a couple of hours - then comes home and gets on with his life. My BIL said "..I psyche myself up, I walk on eggshells, then go back home to my happy life.". This may be the approach your husband needs to take in order to build boundaries and compartmentalize the areas in his life. It's a rocky road to start with because dominating people do not like boundaries - but if you stick with it and are consistent they eventually concede that is how it has to be.
> 
> Don't let it spoil your marriage, that is what she wants. Take the clever approach and walk away from the drama.


OMG! This!!!^^^ This could be me, rofl!

The only thing that's different is my MIL and FIL would love to see my husband once a month, but he just doesn't want to go there, lol. He too psyches himself up, gets in the right frame of mind and goes in on his eggshells, escaping as quickly as he can back to our happy home


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## aine

How's it going funky girl?

Var the MIL and replay for H, then tell him you will not put up with it, either she puts a lid on it, or you walk, his choice.


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## CHGUY

My MIL and FIL did or does this behind my back- My wife and myself have had a very rocky marriage the last five years, also since my first was born. There were times that I had no idea where she got things stuck in her head from- me being bad dad/husband and her overall un-explanatory hate/non love etc for me. I knew my in laws was/is toxic, but the day my wife asked me to hack her phone and retrieve messages, the first few thousand messages was between her and her mom, with her mom blatantly manipulating her and "destroying" me with lies and sick ideas of how bad I am as husband, dad and not knowing what family love is. Even supporting her infidelity and blaming me for her daughter doing it. Also in it is reference to her dad's ungodly views and manipulation against our marriage. Two things: 1. They deliberately want to destroy our marriage. No 2: My wife lets them manipulate her, and that is where it becomes a very difficult situation to handle. And to deal with convincing my wife what really is going on- The Truth 
Her parents believe she will divorce and take the kids to them and live there happily- Another lie they all seem to believe.
While I cannot just divorce and have the chance to hand over the kids to toxic people, I had to confront the situation. Listening to the therapists, and pastors on being diplomatic did not work, so I completely leveled the playing field:
I phoned FIL and asked him fairly nicely but firm for him and especially his wife to stop their narcissist behavior, explaining without holding back what it has done and how wrong it is. They are the typical "in the front seat of the church" people. Still no responsibility.
Week later I had to call again, had to explain I'm really finished with their malicious behavior and threatened using the kids. I have proof of their behavior and a bad enemy to have. In the messages they badmouth everybody close to them etc...
Told my wife she was supposed to do it, and that I will crush their lying image of "wonderful" upstanding church going citizens. 

This has so far kept reduced their manipulative contact with my wife for the sake of being caught out. Not sorted as they do not take responsibility, but it has actually made the biggest difference, because they are scared of the truth coming out. Not the solution, but they know I will teach my kids how wrong their behavior is/was and will use the physical evidence later in their life so they can know where all the sadness and hostilities came from. Chances are, MIL and FIL will lose their grand-kids, with reason.
With my wife not taking the stand and being guilty herself to compromise her, mine and the kids family - I see no other way in my situation, but to fight them hard. The difference is that I am honest, where they are not. Unfortunately we all lose when one spouse betrays the other by putting their toxic families more important than their own household family. This is what I have done lately. Had a hell of a week last week, but improvement in her attitude definitively happened by the end and over the weekend.
One more thing, for your husband to admit his mom is toxic will be a realization that she is toxic and bad, not something easy to stomach when you find out your life and love was based on types of lies- Keep a watch on him if he does figure life out...


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## Bobby5000

I think you can stand up for yourself and if an issue arises with your husband, tell him calmly what you did. Another poster wrote, 

"walking on eggshells, not rocking the boat, avoiding confrontation, keeping mum happy will always be no.1 priority to them whilst she is alive. They are hard-wired to it." And that is because they saw the nasty, bitter wars which she could tolerate but deeply disturbed others.


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## NickyT

This is a tough one. One thing is for sure, and I think the other responders bear this out: Unless the line is drawn by your husband, nothing will change.

I agree with the person who said you should cut her out of your life as much as possible. Don't call her with the latest news of the kids, don't invite her over, etc. Never let her see you get upset about the situation.

Now, you are in a position where you have nothing to lose. She is what she is, and your husband will not defend you. Time to calmly confront her in the moment. If she is like my MIL, confronting her calmly with your concerns will not work. She will deny, deny, deny. She will go the "How could you think that" route. In the moment, when she says something that you think is abusive or a dig, ask her to clarify. Do not say you think the comment was abusive - that is, don't put a label on it. Do not react to your emotion about what she has said. Clarify the facts. She can not argue or worm her way out of facts. 

For example, she says, "You are a bad mother." Well, you have her on a statement like this, and my guess is that she won't go there. Anyway, in this case, repeat back to her and clarify: "You think I am a bad mother. Can you tell my why you think that?"

Say she says, "You should not put Johnny to bed that way!" This can be taken as an insult. Do not react to your perception of what she says. Go with something like "How would you recommend I put him to bed?"

She says, "You don't spend enough time with your children". Go with "Are you saying you think they are neglected?" or "What are you seeing that leads you to that conclusion?"

My point is: force her to be very, very specific about what she is trying to say. My guess is she will back down. If she does not, it's easier on the mind to confront when you are dealing with facts rather than your impression or interpretation of what she said. My MIL would say stuff that I took to be insults of my parenting, but my husband would say she was just trying to be helpful. Make her clarify so there is no question of her intent.


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## Amplexor

*OP is long gone. Thread locked.*


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