# Left my wife a month ago now going back to help her with breakdown



## Johnyx (Sep 29, 2020)

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

When I was trying to work out a separation with my ex, he threatened suicide and had a breakdown as well. I know it's difficult, but you are _not_ responsible for your wife's mental health or what she does or how much weight she loses. There's no one else who can be there for her and support her? Siblings, friends, parents? For her to lean on you for mental/emotional support right now seems like a horrible idea for you both.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has she threatened suicide? I think you are making a massive mistake by going back, it will merely prolong the ending and keep you trapped there which I think is her aim(hence her begging). I dont think you will ever get away if you go back as each time you try this will happen, she is determined not to let you go. Surely she has other family or close friends who can help her out if she needs it? She is already having 3 appointments a week to help her which is a very large amount of help, far more than most people have.
It may also be best if you can stop seeing her at work. Could you sell your half of the business or get a manager in for now?

Ripping off the plaster and staying away is kinder for both of you. Prolonging the process is a terrible idea. People have survived ending a marriage and she will too, and I cant help feeling that all this drama is just to get you back.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are making a huge mistake. Don’t fall in that trap.

You are not responsible for her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Johnyx said:


> Hi all.
> I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
> Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
> To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
> ...



Dude didn't she cheat on you? Why can this other guy come and stay with her? Did you ask her that?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

In another thread, you said this...


> should I expect thing to get worse , will some kind of breakdown inevitably happen.
> im just thinking that it’s all too easy.


... and lo and behold, it comes true.

Are you sure this isn't what you were expecting or even hoping for? An opportunity to come in and sort of rescue her or perhaps see her breakdown as vindication that it's been her fault all along?

I'm really surprised your moving back isn't something that scares the poop out of her mental health team. It certainly doesn't so anything for clearing her calendar so she can start new and move on with her life.

Also curious, you've spoken of bickering for 25 years, and her EA that she claimed to have given up and then restarted. How much therapy did the two of you go through? Or even just her? Changing behavior isn't easy. She has to WANT to change and make it a priority. After so many years together, that change cannot, will not, be a result of some sort of epiphany. I had long hoped that would be the case for my wife, but that's just not how people work. Very very few, even under threat of divorce, will permanently change course. Instead, they will do what they fill is necessary, at that time, to convince you they've changed. But inside they're thinking, because the way in which they think is so well ingrained after so many years, they're thinking that they can start moving back to where they were because maybe this is just a phase you're going through. Part of the process of putting the blame on you.

That doesn't mean that her thinking can't change. Just saying it's going to take a long time and a lot of work. A lot of Groundhog Days (a movie in which life repeated itself over and over and getting out of the loop, making things change, was a seemingly-impossible task... that's how my first 18 months of marriage counseling and my wife's individual counseling felt). 

So here's the thing. I don't know how hard you tried, during those 25 years together, to really make things better. Maybe you just went along with it for the sake of the family. Maybe you thought it would be too much work. But it's possible that you could have made a difference if you'd worked with yourself, and with your wife, earlier. And it's possible, after 25 years, that you still can. If you want to.

What do you really want? Why did you move back?

One last thing.


> I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.


That could read like someone moving on from a situation that had created depression for them. And from what you've written, even though you talk about your wife under mental health care, I get this feeling you've been feeling pretty depressed yourself. The tough part about depression is that it usually isn't situational. You might feel better for a time, moving on from your wife, but the depression may return. Because depression generally isn't created or eliminated by change in our surroundings. It's how we think about things. We have to be re-trained to see things differently.

I'm reading a lot into a very small handful of posts you've placed on TAM, so could be I'm completely wrong. But I do suggest you stop looking for answers for a little bit and focus instead of questions. Focus on the why. And if you haven't sought help, from a therapist, now would be a very good time.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Johnyx said:


> She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
> So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .


Big mistake.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why should she try to improve now that you’re back? She got what she wanted. You can expect this to happen again the next time you try to get out.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree with everyone else. Going back to live in the POOL HOUSE is absurd. It's not good for anyone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do whatever is easier on you.

Others here agree, that you should separate altogether and divorce.
She is a nasty mess.

She had an EA with another man trying to hold herself together.
This was wrong on her part, of course.
She got huffy with you when you snooped and brought this to light.

The OM is now likely hesitant to further his part in this affair. 

He sees her for what she is.
A shaking mess, uh no, Mrs..

You have a business to run, you already see her during its operation, so moving in the pool house is just another sacrifice you (can) endure until the divorce is done. 

I would talk nicely to the owners of the flat you leased.
Beg out of it, hat in hand.

Give them a few months rent in advance to quell their objections.
I would tell them about your divorce.

Only later, and if necessary tell them that money is going to be very scarce in the future over the pending loss of your marriage and company.

No landlord wants to fight for money in court.

Good luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Do whatever is easier on you.
> 
> Others here agree, that you should separate altogether and divorce.
> She is a nasty mess.
> ...


Why should he do this? They are getting divorced. He was starting his new life, he loves the apartment, paid for a year, and most importantly feels better there.

Moving into the pool house will benefit no one.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Why should he do this? They are getting divorced. He was starting his new life, he loves the apartment, paid for a year, and most importantly feels better there.
> 
> Moving into the pool house will benefit no one.


I don't think @Johnyx is good at understanding consequences. He doesn't fully commit because he feels like he can back out of things... like 11 months rent on a place. We're seeing things entirely from his side; from her side, @Johnyx may be a moving target.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why should he do this? They are getting divorced. He was starting his new life, he loves the apartment, paid for a year, and most importantly feels better there.
> 
> Moving into the pool house will benefit no one.


We think this...
He doesn't.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You cannot turn lead into gold, nor can you turn a nice guy into cad-mium.

These, those ladies dream of having that nice guy until they discover him soft jello.

Nice guys get the job done, harder men leave some for begging.

Nice guys take their time with lovemaking, harder guys just take her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you have a neurotic wife you must remain more boldly, nervy.
And, disengage most of your sense of hearing.

She must remain, just a challenge to bed, a difficult orbital re-entry.

You, yourself need to become, and remain, thick-skinned and impenetrable.


_The Martian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some ladies can desert their man, never their emotions.

A lady broken, needs a man to repair her, and to replay, over and over, her song.

It is a man's comforting arms and lips that assuage away her fears, and his ears, less his words, that calm her.

Ladies often wish to spill their heart and for some loving man to lick shut the wound.

.................................................................

Johnyx is such that man, as the other man was not up to the task.
His wayward STBXW needs a man near to comfort her in this darkness that she feels.

She now feels abandoned, no, further abandoned.


_The Typist-_


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> When you have a neurotic wife you must remain more boldly, nervy.
> And, disengage most of your sense of hearing.
> 
> She must remain, just a challenge to bed, a difficult orbital re-entry.
> ...


What is the "orbital re-entry" position that must be mastered? I looked; Google doesn't come up with any results.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Kindness in the face of adversity because you simply can is a strength, a choice simply because you can when the path is clear.

Keep your apartment, continue to be compassionate knowing that your heart is being healed on the inside as well as the outside.

There will be times when you will be challenged over many things in the upcoming divorce, having even a small presence will allow you to keep an eye on the state of things and begin sorting out while ensuring and maintaining the upkeep of things there... stay a couple days a week just to ensure a smooth transition is not a bad idea, retreat to the peace of your apartment when done.

Your heart and mind do not have to be hardened, they just have to understand the purpose and right effort.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Johnyx said:


> Hi all.
> I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
> Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
> To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
> ...


What?
Why would you do such a thing?
She had an EA on you. You gave her the gift of a second chance.
She threw that in your face.
You were entirely justified in moving on.
She then takes the tact of emotionally abusing and manipulating you and you kowtow to it?
Why? Why are you putting yourself through the drama.
She doesn't belong to you. She belongs to the streets.
Get yourself another place and get out.
She is responsible for her own actions. If she harms herself, that is of her own accord.
Look out for #1. You. She is, and it is not in your best interest.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Kindness in the face of adversity because you simply can is a strength, a choice simply because you can when the path is clear.
> 
> Keep your apartment, continue to be compassionate knowing that your heart is being healed on the inside as well as the outside.
> 
> ...


I'm just not convinced his heart and mind are all-in on his claimed course of action. He may not even realize that himself. He may have something like an addiction even, and without a clean break, there will be no end (for him) and torture (for both).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> What is the "orbital re-entry" position that must be mastered? I looked; Google doesn't come up with any results.


A slender ship does not re-enter Mother Earth's furry _Van Allen_ belt straight in, and down.

It needs to enter at an acute angle so as to not set the skin of his craft on fire from the speed derived friction.

While the air 'there' is initially cold, his fast moving, hard body craft will soon heat it up in spades.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Kindness in the face of adversity because you simply can is a strength, a choice simply because you can when the path is clear.
> 
> Keep your apartment, continue to be compassionate knowing that your heart is being healed on the inside as well as the outside.
> 
> ...


Yes, we think alike.

Kindness, and its derived warmth, is not that convenient coat; it worn only on the sunnier days.

A selfish weasel, Johnny ain't.

Hopefully, not the selfless fool, yet again.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> In another thread, you said this...
> 
> ... and lo and behold, it comes true.
> 
> ...


I agree with this and also with the poster who pointed out that we only know things from your side. Which, of course, is always the case to various degrees. 
So I’m going to disagree with the consensus that you need to cut the cord completely now and not move back. Under normal circumstances I would say otherwise but these are not normal times. The pandemic has made those who already have mental health issues especially vulnerable. I’ve seen it in friends and family. Give your wife some grace here, a few months isn’t going to matter if you can handle it yourself emotionally. Hold to strong boundaries with your wife, give her a deadline for when you’ll move back to the apartment, it doesn’t have to be for the rest of the lease, and use the time to get some therapy yourself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blessed are those who can bend past the point of agony.

You can separate from your spouse, if the _Greater Fate_ permits it.
We are such those pawns.....

@Johnyx is in the hands of some greater fate.
I hope it serves *him* well.

This is not always the case.
No.



_SunCMars-_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Johnyx said:


> Hi all.
> I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
> Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
> To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
> ...


I bet her therapist would be against this. She's just acting out of desperation and you should not feel the pressure to move back. It will only confuse and prolong this. she is under the care of a professional and there's nothing you can do with it but let her get through it. Please don't cave in to her .


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I bet her therapist would be against this. She's just acting out of desperation and you should not feel the pressure to move back. It will only confuse and prolong this. she is under the care of a professional and there's nothing you can do with it but let her get through it. Please don't cave in to her .


But the odd thing about her individual therapist, and not just hers but all of the genre, is that said therapist will make no attempt to contact the other person involved. The perspective and recommendations will be based entirely upon what the therapist hears from their client. That, to me, is just so strange. In general I get it, but in a case like this? I agree completely with your assessment the therapist would be against his moving back in (which I mentioned in an earlier post), yet the therapist would never suggest that to him. Part of that whole thing where the therapist is not there for the marriage, not there for anything other than their specific client being "whole" by themselves I guess.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Depends what kind of therapist they are but this is only going to be a setback for her and she's just manipulating him back in.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)




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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're never supposed to reward bad behavior. Don't flatter yourself that you're the only one who can get her crap together for her. She has a professional to help do that now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It doesn't matter that the therapist isn't contacting you because her problems aren't about you. The therapist isn't trying to counsel your marriage. She's trying to find out why the patient is in crisis and that's about her and her history. you're just going to slow down progress if you cave into her and let her manipulate you into staying.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow, well played wifey. She played you like a fiddle and you fell right for it. How manipulative of her. If she wanted to stay married, she shouldn't have cheated. Simple.



blahfridge said:


> So I’m going to disagree with the consensus that you need to cut the cord completely now and not move back. Under normal circumstances I would say otherwise but these are not normal times. The pandemic has made those who already have mental health issues especially vulnerable. I’ve seen it in friends and family. Give your wife some grace here,


And where was her grace for the OP while she was cheating? Nope, her mental health is her own responsibility. Not OP's.

OP I think you should stay in your apartment. If she threatens suicide call the authorities and let them deal with her. 1 of 2 things will happen - she'll get the help she needs, or, she'll learn a lesson - that you can't be bullied and manipulated into doing what she wants.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Men are often the fools, the worn-dull tools of childish women.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It is a big mistake to go back. She knows now what she has to do to get you to come home.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ABHale said:


> It is a big mistake to go back. She knows now what she has to do to get you to come home.


You're still thinking this is about her. I think this may be about him, this may be what he wants to do. We are really lacking in backstory here. As the OP's story is "enriched" through answering questions, we may learn enough to have a handle on things, see the bigger picture. For now, if desired, OP can be seen as being manipulative. Or manipulated. Or a combination of the two.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Like a fool I returned to this thread.
Where is @Johnyx ?

Is this why your wife found another man?
Because, you are not available?


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## Johnyx (Sep 29, 2020)

I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
This whole thing is just so tiring.
Sorry for not answering yours and all texts


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnyx said:


> I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
> I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
> This whole thing is just so tiring.
> Sorry for not answering yours and all texts


You have made the right decision because otherwise you would be just prolonging the inevitable. She is very fortunate in that she is getting a lot of professionsl help, and presumably also has other family members and friends? All you really need to discuss from now on is the divorce details. Its far better for both of you to have a clean break and get it sorted asap.
She wont see it that way though, as she doesn't want you to leave her. Its unfortunate that you have to work together, is there some way you can have a break from that for a time? It will be very hard to separate with seeing each other every day, no wonder you are exhausted.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> If she threatens suicide call the authorities and let them deal with her. 1 of 2 things will happen - she'll get the help she needs, or, she'll learn a lesson - that you can't be bullied and manipulated into doing what she wants.


This is exactly right. The only correct response to a suicide threat o nly correct response to a suicide threat when someone is doing it to try to coerce you is to call the police. In this case she already has a therapist, so if you don't know who that is then you call the police and say she has a therapist and see if they can reach the therapist. It's usually a bluff anyway just trying to blackmail you into staying. It's pure manipulation. you call the police on them and they learn they can't get away with that crap anymore and then you can move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Don't let her pull you down into her problems. Stay focused on moving the divorce forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnyx said:


> I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
> I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
> This whole thing is just so tiring.
> Sorry for not answering yours and all texts





DownByTheRiver said:


> This is exactly right. The only correct response to a suicide threat o nly correct response to a suicide threat when someone is doing it to try to coerce you is to call the police. In this case she already has a therapist, so if you don't know who that is then you call the police and say she has a therapist and see if they can reach the therapist. It's usually a bluff anyway just trying to blackmail you into staying. It's pure manipulation. you call the police on them and they learn they can't get away with that crap anymore and then you can move on.


Did she actually do that? I wasnt sure.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why would she have told him if she really wanted to commit suicide? Most people who threaten suicide are just making a desperate bid for attention as a last resort. But you can't take a chance so you have to call the police.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why would she have told him if she really wanted to commit suicide? Most people who threaten suicide are just making a desperate bid for attention as a last resort. But you can't take a chance so you have to call the police.


Yes I agree, but I wasnt sure if she actually threatened suicide.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think someone else brought that up. But she's using her quote" breakdown" the same way trying to make it so he can't leave. I mean she's to the point where she's acting like he can't leave because she's going crazy so I think that's the next step for her but yeah I probably saw somebody else mention it. Still the same situation though only maybe not as dire.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

People -- sigh. As usual, it's gone from what the original poster said and devolved into a bunch of speculation and talking to each other rather than the OP. Nowhere has the OP said anything about his wife threatening suicide. That assumption came from the poster saying that his wife has a therapist and psychiatrist and that she had some sort of mental breakdown (which means a lot of different things).

@Johnyx I am happy to hear that you have decided to keep your apartment. I think having your own "place"--where you feel safe and at peace--is a wise idea. That way, if things get contentious or destructive, you have a place to go that is neutral and a place for you and your good. 

As regards your wife, here's the thing: she is an adult and she is responsible for her own mental health. So it's "not your job" to fix her or make sure she's mentally sound. By the same token, she is a fellow human being and it is reasonable to treat another human being with kindness, right? I mean, you don't have to be gooey sweet to someone who cheated on you, but you aren't required to be an ass to divorce her either. If she's struggling mentally or has diagnosed mental illness, I could see being a mature adult and being kind as far as you can...while you also continue moving forward with the divorce. 

That doesn't mean letting her use you or manipulate you or abuse you as you separate--but it does mean that as the adult in the situation that is not mentally ill, you can consider what she truly is and is not capable of handling. Again, it's not your job to fix her or make her "able to cope"...but as an example if she just can't cope with 3 appointments/week and all the yard work and shoveling, it would be kindness to say "You do the appointments and I'll shovel this winter until our house sells."


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Johnyx said:


> I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
> I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
> This whole thing is just so tiring.
> Sorry for not answering yours and all texts


you are not doing either of yourselves any favours. You being the more stable one should call the shots and take control of the situation and put a stop to all of this.
Make a clean quick break, get the divorce done, the assets settled do not prolong it any more. The longer you prolong it the worse things will be, once you make a clean cut then your STBXW can pull up her big girl panties and get on with her life also. She will have to eventually, better now not later.


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## Vivienne (Oct 28, 2020)

Johnyx said:


> Hi all.
> I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
> Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
> To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
> ...


Hi Johny,
Don't know the circumstances of why you had to leave her (not read your earlier post) but this sounds as if it is all too raw to your wife at the moment. You seem ready to detach from her but it seems she is not able to do that yet and is obviously struggling with the thought of losing you so she is holding on to whatever means she can to keep you. You could argue that this is emotional blackmail and I am sure she does not mean it that way, she is just frightened of facing the future without you. The money (as hard as it is to know it's going down the drain) it is not the be all and end all. Mental health and happiness is far more important. Could you somehow reach a compromise where some nights you stay in your apartment and some nights you stay in the pool house. This still puts a strain on you but your wife may take comfort that you are still around initially but you need your own space and you will move on gradually. Also, have you been to counselling with her? This may help and I don't necessarily mean that it will get you back together but it may help your wife to move on.

Wishing you all the best with your struggles and please know that you are not alone.


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## Vivienne (Oct 28, 2020)

Vivienne said:


> Hi Johny,
> Don't know the circumstances of why you had to leave her (not read your earlier post) but this sounds as if it is all too raw to your wife at the moment. You seem ready to detach from her but it seems she is not able to do that yet and is obviously struggling with the thought of losing you so she is holding on to whatever means she can to keep you. You could argue that this is emotional blackmail and I am sure she does not mean it that way, she is just frightened of facing the future without you. The money (as hard as it is to know it's going down the drain) it is not the be all and end all. Mental health and happiness is far more important. Could you somehow reach a compromise where some nights you stay in your apartment and some nights you stay in the pool house. This still puts a strain on you but your wife may take comfort that you are still around initially but you need your own space and you will move on gradually. Also, have you been to counselling with her? This may help and I don't necessarily mean that it will get you back together but it may help your wife to move on.
> 
> Wishing you all the best with your struggles and please know that you are not alone.


I am so sorry, I should have read your initial post before I went off on my sounding board with half the facts. I hope you will forgive me for my stupid words, I just wanted to help but I got it all wrong.
Take care of yourself and I hope everything works out for the best.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Johnyx said:


> I am holding steady thank you and went back on my word to her.
> I have decided to keep my apartment and I am more than happy to meet with her on a weekend to talk over any issues.
> This whole thing is just so tiring.
> Sorry for not answering yours and all texts


Great answer!!!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> People -- sigh. As usual, it's gone from what the original poster said and devolved into a bunch of speculation and talking to each other rather than the OP. *Nowhere has the OP said anything about his wife threatening suicide*. That assumption came from the poster saying that his wife has a therapist and psychiatrist and that she had some sort of mental breakdown (which means a lot of different things).
> 
> @Johnyx I am happy to hear that you have decided to keep your apartment. I think having your own "place"--where you feel safe and at peace--is a wise idea. That way, if things get contentious or destructive, you have a place to go that is neutral and a place for you and your good.
> 
> ...


He said she was worried she'd top herself if he left. The usual way people in that state get people to do what they want is to threaten suicide. That's where my post came from.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think keeping the apartment was the right thing to do. Support her until she is better. I decided to support my wife after we separated because she was having a mental breakdown. Ok, no cheating from her and she does have mental issues, but she is still my wife and been together 35 years. It's difficult because all this will delay things, but you want to make sure your wife is mentally ok and that she is not going to do anything stupid...


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

One of my exes was very similar. He also threatened suicide after we broke up. And again a year and a half later. I ignored him, although the guilt was horrible. A year later he was married to another woman, with a new house, great career. He was so used to guilt-tripping and throwing hysterics to get his way as a child that he did the same as an adult. Instead of starving himself, his version was going out and getting very very drunk, getting into fights, and basically trying to convince me that I was the only one that oculd keep him on the right path and I would be destroying his life if I left him. Total sh*t. The second it sunk in that I wasn't coming back he miraculously switched to a replacement overnight.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> I think keeping the apartment was the right thing to do. Support her until she is better. I decided to support my wife after we separated because she was having a mental breakdown. Ok, no cheating from her and she does have mental issues, but she is still my wife and been together 35 years. It's difficult because all this will delay things, but you want to make sure your wife is mentally ok and that she is not going to do anything stupid...


Ever wonder if there's a private section someplace that people talk about you and I? And maybe a few others in similar situations? Like how we just don't have a clue, why are we torturing ourselves, why are we torturing our wives, why don't we just get the whole "She's just not into you" scenario?


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Ever wonder if there's a private section someplace that people talk about you and I? And maybe a few others in similar situations? Like how we just don't have a clue, why are we torturing ourselves, why are we torturing our wives, why don't we just get the whole "She's just not into you" scenario?


It's called codependency. You have unresolved attachment issues from either childhood or something else that happened in your life. So instead of reacting with healthy boundaries and letting the person go and fix themselves (if they choose to), you decide to take on the saviour role and try to parent them instead. A lot of us do it, which is why those of us who finally escaped these relationships continue to return here to warn others.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ella-Bee said:


> It's called codependency. You have unresolved attachment issues from either childhood or something else that happened in your life. So instead of reacting with healthy boundaries and letting the person go and fix themselves (if they choose to), you decide to take on the saviour role and try to parent them instead. A lot of us do it, which is why those of us who finally escaped these relationships continue to return here to warn others.


Labels are sometimes too simple; I think codependency is too broad and doesn't require the guilt issue some of us face. We feel that it's our fault, not just something we have to fix, partly because we didn't deal with it earlier. We let something go for a very long time before recognizing that's it, we've had enough. We weren't necessarily codependent during that time. The relationship was dysfunctional because we put up with crap we should not have, but it didn't serve a need doing so.


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

Labels are just a short-hand, so not 100% perfect. But codependency definitely includes guilt. Sometimes horrendous guilt. For the 'saviour' codependent, it can feel as though you are murdering someone. I remember feeling physically sick when my ex would call me hysterical and threatening to kill himself. I couldn't eat for days and was distraught thinking I was going to get a call from the hospital telling me he was dead because of me. You assign all the control in the situation to yourself and therefore in your mind everything that the 'reliant' codependent suffers or says they suffer is entirely your fault. For me, it was due to my father acting like a perpetual victim while I was growing up. I had to be the parent rather than the daughter. That became my normal and as an adult I would latch onto men that seemed like they needed fixing. In my head, I was fixing my dad. If I failed and they commited suicide, I was potentially killing my dad. The idea was terrifying to me.

I would suggest anyone in this situation work out what the initial cause of their codependency is and get rid of the responsibility you feel over that. Especially if it was a parent (which applies to many people).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I have to admit I have big codependency and attachment issues. And I don't seem to be able to get to the root of it. Possibly my parents.


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