# Deployed and on trial separation



## Tealo951 (Oct 7, 2017)

So this one is a long one. This is also the first tie i?ve Posted about this anywhere. I suppose i?m More or less looking for some advice, and suggestions on how t get home and repair the space between myself and my wife.

Background info: I?m active duty military, wife is reserve military (different branches). We have been married for 1 yr, 5months.

To start off, i need to take you back to when we first got married, last year. As this is a point that is brought up every once in a while by her.

While her and i were dating, one of my ex?s came back into the picture, at this point i considered us ? best friends? ( how naïve was I) My girlfriend (current wife) at the time was not happy about the communication I had between my ex and myself. I was stupid, and said some dumb things about the ex coming to visit and staying with me in the barracks. Which i know was a stupid and ridiculous thing to say. After arguments about why she was still in my life and why i was hung up on her, i chose to removed her from my life, block all communication, remove everything she was aa part of and end it. My wife was right, the ex was a jealous i had found someone else.
That?s one part of it. THD other part, i am particularly regretful and hate myself for.
I do not know why i did this, but i did and i wish i hadn?t.
I was talking with another girl on th internet, whom i?d ?Been friends with for a while, however never met her (dont even now if she was actually a she, haha which my wife finds funny) and some sexually based messages were exchanged. This was prior to us getting married. Like maybe a month. My girlfriend asked me about it, because she saw the messages, while trying to open snapchat to be cute. She was devastated, and asked me about it.
(I am ashamed of this part) I lied to her. I told her i didnt say those things, and that someone in my work Center must have been playing a joke on me (how idiotic does that sound, and how low am i to suggest someone else did this?) well she let it go eventually and we went forward and got married.

A small courthouse wedding, with 4 friends present as witnesses. No parents, because mine live on the other side of the country.

My parents are an important part of the problems we are having too. I told them i was dating someone, and they were not very sportive from the beginning. They asked if she was only dating me for the benefits (which doesn?t matter because she is SDO in the military... like wtf? I told them i wanted to marry her, but would try and have them meet her first... that didnt happen as planned, because we wanted to live together, and i was going to be sent on a DET soon, so we arranged to get married within the month ( of us both telling our parents.)

My wife?s parents were (and are) more receptive and loving and welcoming than mine were. I asked her father for his blessing which he gave me. And then we got married.

It wasn?t until a few days after that, that my wife asked me again, about the messages i had sent to another girl. This time i owned up to it. I told her the truth. And she was crushed.

I had gotten her to marry me under false pretenses (which is an accurate statement, but i do love and care for her more than nothing. I was just being retarded and ?trying to protect her? from the truth. Looking back, had i told her the truth from the beginning, we would probably be together still, and maybe better off than we are now. But whats done is done.

While this was happening, i told my parents about it and that i messed up. They basically refused to tell me that i had done wrong, and it was fine, she was over reacting. (Common trend for them, to not tell me when i ****ed up)

We had some rough Wes, but she has said she forgave me. Things were getting better.

The talking to other girls, and lying are two of the things that she still brings up.

I have been less than honest on several things. I dont think anything big or horrible, but it was the fact of the matter that i had lied again, and again, that?s made this issue a big deal.

Now to my family... they had blatantly told me that they dont like my wife, have called her a B*tch, told me we should get a divorce, and the like. They have been completely disrespectful towards her.
And for the greater part of our first year of marriage, i let this go on... my wife and i tried to reason with them. Tried to talk to them about their behavior on multiple occasions. We would sit down and go ver things i needed/wanted to say, and call them. I would do the talking because she refused to speak with them. As when she had tried to be pot lite before, and get to know them and stuff, it was all about my parents and they wouldnt acknowledge her even when she would try and talk with them directly.

So this goes on for about a yer. I would tell my wife i was going to say One thing, and then when i got on the phone. I was feed into their bull**** and argue back with them, and basically not get anywhere. My wife was dscouraged when this woul happen as she felt like i was choosing them over her. Which i was not intending.

i just hadn?t seen this toxic and controlling side of them before.she has, within her own family (grandparents).

I finally ( after 3-4 long terrible phone calls) was able to say what.i needed to say and nothing more, and my wife was proud of me, and I felt god about it.

5 months before our 1 yr, and before a deployment, we had planned to do an actual wedding ceremony (on the one year mark of our marriage) and invited a lot of people.

My parents and sister flew out in January to meet my wife, and we, (my wife and i) had hoped it would be a fresh start.

it went awfully.

My mom was rude to her, my sister was basically checked out the whole time and would not even look at or talk to my wife, and my dad was okay, but followed my mom with the rude attitude.

So after that day, my wife was adamant about her not seeing them again while they were out visiting CA. (They came for a week)

We didnt see them anymore, until i went to finally talk with them face to face one more time to try and tell them what was up. That i loved her. She loved me. And thats how it was going to be, so deal with it or f*ck off. I told my wife i would go say my peace and leave.

That didnt happen. I said what i needed to say, and then stupidly stood there and listened to them ***** and complain and apologize about ?whatever i did?, which means they dont think they were in the wrong. They gave me some harlume cookware (i had been asking to get for a year) and i put it in the trunk and went home.

My wife was not happy about the cook ware because they were being sneaky, ?we?re sorry, loook we brought thi all the way here for you?. I dont know why they couldn?t ship it.

So they leave, and i tell them i?ll Speak to them before the wedding, do?t contact us.
They don?t listen. They send emails, letters, packages, and stuff. I told them i don?t want to be contacted, i need need space, or i will block you. Which ended up happening.

I blocked my parents and sister.ths was in march, id say. Our wedding was set for may 5th.

The wedding is all taken care of, everything is set. My parents are still invited at this time. It wasn?t until the day before the wedding that i saw them, and they we making comments about my wife, her family, the venue, just had nothing good to say to me. So i told them if they didnt want to come to the wedding then they didn?t have to. That threw them for a loop. The went off on me about how im the bad it, not giving them a chance to get to know her, and stuff. (Mind you they have had over a year to do that, nd they never did) so they didnt attend the wedding.

This is ewhen i learned that the rest of my family was so binashed by them that they didnt eve want to meet my wife, and they all sat together at the reception sending horrible looks our way (mine and my wife?s) for not having my parents there.

The next day we had planned a get together for my grandmothers 90th birthday. My parents wer in attendance. My whole family was serigating themselves from my wife?s, my wife?s family tried to mingle, but it was noticeably not wanted.

This is where i told my wife i wouldnt be hanging with them, and leave her with her family. But i was an idiot, and hoped i could make them change, and was being nice and stuff with them, taking pictures and stuff. They didnt want to meet my wife. And I?m parent had more gifts (or something) in the car for us, so i walked out to the parking lot with my dad and we talked alttle more about how they?re sorry, they want to get to know her, and here?s more stuff for you, and i took and pt in our car. Again, wife was not happy because i told her i wouldnt do that. But i did.

It wasn?t until two days after the wedding that i blocked all contact with my family, because they were all mad that I was not fixing the issue with my parents. When i have more times than i could count.

So i have not talked to them since, going on 5 months now, and its been good.

The weekend before the wedding, my buddies took me out to the bars and i got rink. That was one of the only weekends that my wife and i would have to be together before the wedding and then my deployment a week after that. She was made at my because i chose them Orr her, i had told her we would go do something, and I didn?t. Which i also regret.

Moving forward to presently.

We were doing okay up until bout 3 weeks ago, when my wife starts talking about wanting to try. Trial separation. Because she has had a lot of time to think about everything.

She says my parental issues have not been resolved, i dont know how else to do that seeing as i removed them from our lives...

I have been honest with her about everything and will continue to do so. She has told me i need to wor on treating her like a decent human being. Which is true, I have treated her horribly and have taken her for granted several times.

So here we are on a trial separation while i?m Still deployed.

I can?t say i blame her, and i understand where she is coming from...

She says she still loves me and was clear that this is a trial, she wants to make it work..

But she clearly hasn?t forgiven me entirely about things, and i dont know how i can over come what she won?t forgive/let go.

i have not been unfaithful since that one time and i cam e clean (too little too late), i have been honest with her, and have tried to tell er i love her every day.

A few weeks ago she went ot to the bars, told me she?d let me know when she got home. But never did, i was concerned so i looked to see where she was at, and it said she was at a hotel. When i asked her about it the never day, she lied to me and then finally told me she was really drunk and an Irish couple had let her sleep it off before going home in the morning. I believe her but at the time i was incredibly suspicious. She would never cheat on me. I am certain of this.

She then for a few days wouldn?t respond to my i love you messages. Which she normally would have at least done. So i asked her why she was giving me the cold shoulder, since our trial separation agreement was that we would at least say that every day.

she told me she forgot to respond and talk to me, which hurt to hear. But i let it go.

Thi most recent turn of events lead to her not wanting any contact.

Which is the result of my trying to telllher that i was making changes and trying to be better. She took it as me wanting pats on the back for ?finally wanting to treat me like a human being? and was less than thrilled bout it

I was just trying to inform her that i have been thinking about our relationship and wanting to make efforts to change how i treated her.

So its been two days, and i haven?t contacted her at all because this is what she had said. ?I?ll contact you when i?m Ready.?

Yesterday was her birthday, and i couldn?t even wish her a proper birthday because i didn?t want to str the pot or anything.

So i guess, hat i?m Asking now, i what ways can I actually show her that i have mad changes, what things should i avoid doing while on this separation, and what can i maybe expect when i get back from deployment and we are reunited?

Sorry this is so long, and probably hard to sad, i?m A Marine, not an english teacher.

Thanks,
G.


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## Tealo951 (Oct 7, 2017)

It looks like an apostrophe isn?t a thing. Lol or quotes. Sorry


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife want's a "trial separation" WHILE YOU'RE DEPLOYED!!!!!!!

I have to wonder about your thinking on this. You're freaking deployed. The only reason she would want to make this defined as a "separation" is so that she won't feel so badly about screwing around on you.

She went to a bar, then a hotel and STAYED WITH AN IRISH COUPLE??????? That sound about as stupid and hard to believe as your statement about someone hacking your computer at work and texting/sexting another "woman".

You need to get your head around this and see it from the outside. She is making you plan B and searching or already found plan A with another guy. I'm sorry, it's just the way things work. Women or men don't want "trial separations" while the other spouse is deployed. It's stupid to think so. What she really wants is to give herself the green light to start looking for your replacement. I'm sorry. You wanted advice and to see what others think. This is mine:

Tell your wife if she wants a separation, to go ahead and file for divorce. You are not opening the marriage for her.
Tell her you love her and want to work everything out and go to marriage counseling and will do whatever it takes to fix the marriage, but if she wants a separation, you would rather just divorce. 

Otherwise, you are guaranteed a divorce, because she is going to find someone else. She's looking. Oh and BTW, when you stated "I know my wife, and she would never cheat.", you pretty much sealed your fate. Do you know how many betrayed spouses have made that same damning statement? You are really in for some life lessons, sad to say. I do very much wish you luck.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Lord help this guy with some wisdom. Trial separation while you're deployed? You must be young and lacking experiences. What she's asking you is for an excuse to mess around with other men (because you're separated). This way she can test trial you possible replacement, making you the defacto plan B in the eventuality she can't find another suitable partner while you're away. It looks like your marriage is doomed, or about to. Do yourself a favor and end it before you get the "dear John" letter.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Both those poster above me are absolutely correct she wants permission to cheat....tell her that just because your separate she still has to keep her vows otherwise divorce....don't over complicate things.


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## Tealo951 (Oct 7, 2017)

We have set the terms about this. And I have said we will be divorced if either of us do anything.

She said she is miserable.

She has put her life on hold for me to figure out how to care for someone, and treat them with respect.

I have chosen others before her, in regards to parents, friends, and the infedelity in the beginning.

She has stuck through it all.

She has no more faith or hope that I?ll be able to change and grow up.

She has said she does not want to stay miserable anymore.
How can I expect another chance and how can I ask her to stay, miserable, for longer while I attempt to figure this out.

I do not want a divorce, I love her and she says she still loves me, but she doesn?t love the relationship.

I told her my plans on how I was going to change, and she said that I don?t deserve an at-a-boy for telling her lies.

too little, too late she said.

She says she is dealing with more important things than dealing with my immaturity, and I don?t know what is going on in her life anymore.

She does not talk to me, or confide it me, because she doesn?t want to. She says she can?t.

We had another conversation about what was going on, and it ended with her saying everything I said doesn?t matter because it?s the same old story again, about change and bs. And I?m immature and acted like my parents.

I don?t think I disagree with her.
I definitely saw a bit of my parents come out now that I?m looking back. And that I definitely do not want. I hate how they treat people, so why am I going to treat the woman I love that way?

Maybe she is right and we do need to be apart.

She doesn?t have a steady job, and isn?t going to school.. so I don?t see how she can survive on her own in the current state.
My paycheck pays for everything.
And we have 2 dogs and 2 cats to take care of.

I just do not want to give up, and I told her that. She said it?s not fair and not what I want at this point, she has stood by and put up with so much from myself that I can?t ask her for me...

We are still on a trial separation, have set strict guidelines about infidelity, and divorce.

I know this looks bad..

I just hope and pray this will turn out okay..


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gotta cut the cord. She doesn't want a separation. She wants a divorce. Give her one. You are just prolonging your pain.

What she says is a mixture of truth and half truths. You won't listen. You're gonna try to nice her back and it's the worst possible thing to do.

Che k your phone bill.


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## jruck32 (Oct 6, 2017)

I have a friend who had a marriage fall apart and it was based on a similar factor. From what I read from your initial post, it seems like your family is important to you (however rude they act). If your family is important, as they should be, then it is important to find someone that embraces them too. Conversely, they need to embrace whomever you bring into your life. Without that acceptance, you will always have a dark cloud over your relationship.

If, as you said, your parents refer to your wife as a B****, and you don't figure out why and successfully change their opinion - or just ignore them - you are not being fair to yourself or your wife. 

Again, from what I read it certainly seems like you care a lot about your family. If they dislike her so much, you really ought to find out why. Maybe they are on to something that you don't see? I mean, asking a deployed soldier for a separation is pretty damn cold...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much longer is your deployment?

Are you deployed outside the USA?

Your wife is has a great setup. She can be 'separated' and act single while you pay her bills for her.

Can you get an emergency leave to come home and file for divorce, settle your affairs? Or could one of your family members handle it for you? Yea, they were not nice to her, but at this point I'm wondering if they figured her out and were concerned from you.


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## Tealo951 (Oct 7, 2017)

I am going home in a month.

She says she isn?t going to get with anyone, but she doesn?t care what I do anymore.

She has basically checked out.. she said she sees a light at the end of the tunnel, but will wait to do anything until we are reunited.

She said me asking for her to wait to see if I have changed (she does not think it is possible) is not fair, and it isn?t.

She has waited and stuck by me and spent hours going over how to handle and take care of different things (parents, my imaturity, etc.) and cant deal with it anymore.

I don?t want to give up on this. I do not want to lose her..

She is miserable, and unhappy which I don?t want her to be, but I?ve done this to her.

She has said she let a lot of this happen and build up and let things appear to be fine, when infraction they were wearing her down.

So I guess we are both at fault.

I?m just trying to salvage our marriage... I think (and pray) she is still open to it when I get home.

I have been reading the ?Love dare? book, and plan to follow that. And stick to the vows I wrote for her.

I told her my intentions of doing better and treating her better, and she said ?so you?re finally going to attempt to treat me like a human... congratulations.?

So have an up hill battle. And am going to give this my all.

I have a lot of maturing and work to do. But I hate that I can?t really start until I get home.

I do not even know what she is going to do when I do get home.

She has said (recently, amongst the separation talk) that she has finally picked an outfit for picking me up from the hangar, and when we got home.

But I am uncertain how that will play out.

My ex-family is our of the question/picture. But she believes I will inevitably let them back in.

The only way I plan on talking to them, is if someone dies.

Yes they raised me, however I am not at the self aware, maturity level I should be. And they only care about their agenda and wants.

They had straight up told me that the only wanted me to do one enlistment and then go back to live with them. And when I told them I didn?t want to do that, they lost there **** on me. They said I was ruining their plans and such.

I was trying to save face, and was worried about what others would think about all of this.

I shouldn?t have been. The only one I should have been worrying about was my wife.

I know a lot of people think she?s trying to cheat.

And I know you may think I?m naive.

But I don?t think she has that in her.
I trust her.

If we get divorced thab so be it. But I?m going to fight the best and most important fight of my life to prove to her that I can and am a changed man, a loving man, and will remain changed.

Not just a pacing ?good enough? ?skate? amount.

I want to never stop loving her and showing her that.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you're constantly worried and about what she will do, you won't change for the better. You'll only make it about what you think she wants, instead of YOUR immaturity. You can't control her or her decisions, let that sink in and let it go. The only thing you can control is yourself. Step back, stop the pressuring her, stop the pick me dance. It only makes you look like you're a desperate little boy, full of empty promises, not a confident mature man. Your mission is to work on you and you only. If she decides to come along fine. If she doesn't, you'll have become a mature man with a future. 

Look, You made some mistakes and you're facing the consequences, that's the way things work. When we know better we do better. Pick yourself up and move forward. 

Read the links at the bottom of @EleGirl's post. They can give you a roadmap and a look at what a real marriage looks like... Basic Concepts

Pick up this book to see how a man acts and leads in his life... Hold on to Your NUTs

Best


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Reading t the books ("Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"_ is a good idea. If you can get and read them before you return to your home it would really help you.

Then if she is open to it, get her to read the books and do the work they say to do.

I also agree that you need to realize that the only person can change is yourself. So that's where you have to put your effort, into yourself. Stop talking about how you are changing. Just do. Actions speak louder than words. Start doing things for yourself... work out, look into mediation or something that helps you focus your thoughts and not feel so frantic. 

How long was your deployment?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How old are the two of you?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

How long have you been on deployment? If your coming home in a month this sounds more like the checked out long ago and now that it's getting close to you being home she has chosen her current life without you. 

While the your family dynamic is an issue,it's not THE issue and why your in this situation. Your simply not getting the full story and like most people in the beginning of these messes lumps on the blame on themselves because they are unwilling to see or believe the spouse has responsibility too. 

You'll never convince her to change her mind and the more you do the more she will dig her heels in on her position. She's already convinced you'll never change etc etc and is unwilling to address the problems in this marriage. You've been married too short of time for these types of issues to rear up and the more you chase the more she will run. You need to pull back and file for divorce really. Either she will be willing to work on the marriage or she won't and the longer this goes on the less likely she will want to. 

In the vast majority of separation's all that happens is people learn to live without a spouse, it's a stop gap before divorce. While it's nice to have rules and boundaries established in separations usually they are only followed by one person while the other goes and explores the new world of single life. Your wife is exploring, she not gonna follow rules, if she breaks them you'll divorce her. That's what she wants, win/win for her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're not listening. You don't really want any advice other than how to fix your marriage. I get it. I was there once.

What you have said about the light at the end of the tunnel and every other thing your wife said,tells me she has indeed checked out if the marriage. 

You want to "fight" for your marriage. And that "fight" is the one thing that will virtually guarantee it will all be over. You have to let her go. Perhaps one day of you mature and become a different person, she may want to get to know you again.

You say you trust her. Well she has just told you she is done with you. Trust that she will be looking for your replacement. You said she doesn't earn much money. Who do you think will pay her bills? 

The only thing this "fight" will achieve is pushing her away. The "live dare stuff is a book, a movie. You're dealing with real life. Don't believe in fantasies.

I DO suggest you not date for a while and work in establishing a stable life that you're happy with. 

I'm sorry, if you're king to avoid needless pain, grieve your loss, but move forward. Don't doom youself to depressing vegetation. Move forward and leave her in the past. That's exactly what she is doing to you.
Do you think it's a coincidence she's coming up with this when you're GONE???


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

honcho said:


> How long have you been on deployment? If your coming home in a month this sounds more like the checked out long ago and now that it's getting close to you being home she has chosen her current life without you.
> 
> While the your family dynamic is an issue,it's not THE issue and why your in this situation. Your simply not getting the full story and like most people in the beginning of these messes lumps on the blame on themselves because they are unwilling to see or believe the spouse has responsibility too.
> 
> ...


Bullseye


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## Tealo951 (Oct 7, 2017)

I?ve been deployed for 5 months.

I am 26 and she?s 24.

So.. basically I have to just do me, not chase her. I?m trying to not wallow in self pity. Which is hard knowing she?s leaving. And I guess that makes her want to leave even more.

I have to be self sufficient and actually be happy.

Work on myself, and become someone who is in a better spot than before.

Chasing and fighting for this, won?t work.

I am so scared about being completely alone if she leaves.

My family won?t take me back. I have tested those waters. And frankly I don?t want to.

I pay all of the bills. The only one she solely has would be her gym membership. I pay for everything else, with my paycheck.

I was going to try and use the ideas in the book to guide my love and actions. I already know I could be more present and listen better.. which I try to do but she still said I don?t understand or get it. And she has explained it multiple times.. 

Maybe this is doomed. Maybe I should just cut my losses and file...

I don?t want to lose the animals though. I don?t think she can sustain them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chasing and fighting won't work.

If there is any chance, the things in the "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" books will. It would help you to read them because I don't think you understand what makes a good relationship and how to make it work. I don't think she does either. She knows that something has to be fixed, but the way she is going about it is not right at all. It's not going to work. 

With your family, don't look at it as whether they will take you back, but as will you take them back. They were out of line and should feel lucky if you ever talk to them again. You might want to re-establish a relationship with them, but on your terms not theirs. The only thing that could even come close to explaining their behavior would be if they knew that she was a horrible person. From what you have said, they had/have no idea what she's like. They tried to control you by attacking her. 

Why doesn't your wife have a job? You need to tell her that the first thing she needs to do for you to even consider going back with her is for her to get a job. I would also tell her that part of the separation has to be that she supports herself. It's just nonsense that she thinks you are supposed to support her while she mistreats you. And yes she is mistreating you.

Yes, you made some bad choices in the past. The bit about the other women is bad, but you came clean and she chose to stay with you.

Your family is a far more difficult situation because they acted horrible, but it put you in a really bad, hard situation. While it took you a while to do it, you finally cut yourself off from them.

Her whole thing not cool. She has her boundaries. You need to have your boundaries. And one of them has to be that she has to support herself.


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## Tealo951 (Oct 7, 2017)

I got those two books and will read them before I get home. Hopefully more than once.

She has medical issues, which can bed ridden her for days.

She is applying to jobs currently because she told me before I deployed she wanted to help with money more. She drops out of school because she takes too many classes and gets overwhelmed and, just doesn?t like school.

I am going to focus on going to the gym and running daily.

And what makes me happy.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

It's over.

You cheated. She either doesn't know how to deal with that or doesn't want to. She may feel that by cheating you ended the relationship anyway so why should she.

She may very well still love you but she doesn't want you.
I wouldn't either.

She is, however, using you. You used her after all.

Cut the cord and move on. You both deserve it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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