# If you knew that the AP had screwed over your WS- would you tell or take it to grave?



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

If your marriage is in reconciliation or divorced and you discovered that the AP was "cheating" on your WS, would you tell them or just let sleeping dogs lie? 


I recently found out that the online "soul mate" of my spouse got engaged within 4 weeks of their breakup ( they had online love affair and never met in RL-I know, don't laugh) and reading her heartbroken acceptance of his NC letter seems all but comical now. It also makes his horribly written NC letter seem so so pathetic, ( I will always love you, and you will forever have a place in my heart, I wish it didn't have to end type stuff) 

The evil part of me so wishes I could share that info but then I would feel mean and petty and stalker creepy and we have spent almost two years putting it back together but wouldn't it just feel so good to point out that he was played like a violin??? 

Sometimes you just want to gloat and say I told you so. 


Have you ever been in that situation and what was the outcome?


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I would think that you would tell your spouse in a good moment, without laughing at them. 

I am not one for keeping certain secrets like cheating and lying about the cheating.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I probably could not keep that to myself if I knew that for sure.

Anything that would break the trance, or whatever was left of it, in my mind is a good thing.

My FHW's OW texted him a couple fo months after NC to accuse him of giving out her # and setting up someone to make obscene phone calls to her.

The accusation was absurd and I think speaks to what type of people she normally hangs out with.

My WH saw her in a much different light then when he realized that she did not hold him in the same regard he did her. He thought she was a nice person. He took the blame for the whole A saying he pursued her etc. He thought they ended it amicably.

He was wrong. He says he is done with her and told her to not contact either of us again. 

Works for me!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes I would tell her, she needs the experience for future reference. This is a no brainer. I read an article about a married, but soon to be divorced man, that had what he called, 8 internet wives.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, make her watch a few episodes of "catfish" on MTV about internet romances.


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I would tell her...and tell her...and tell her
using song and dance, lightshow, smoke machines..."THANK YOU CLEVELAND"...

would NOT feel sorry for her one bit...she left me for a cheater, what the HELL did she expect...idiot!


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

A friend of mine seen my STBXW Other man in a coffee shop with another woman.. I told her.. She is still with him.. But that is a different scenario. 

I would print it out and give it to her, but not say a word..

It would be very interesting to say the least to see the expression on her face.. I would be concerned if she showed concern or sadness over this info.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Revealing that kind of low-down on may suggest that you're still following up and entertaining hopes of reunion. I'd leave it alone, they might as well eat whatever they've put on the table together. None of my stomach's business.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I would have ripped that NC letter up and threw it in his face.. that's not NC, that's a love letter. I'd be sure to point it out, and if he wants to know why you're in stalker mode, tell him because he's not remorseful.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I would have ripped that NC letter up and threw it in his face.. that's not NC, that's a love letter. I'd be sure to point it out, and if he wants to know why you're in stalker mode, tell him because he's not remorseful.>>

This is why I think the NC letter should be written by both, or, at the very least, approved by the BS before sending it. That way, the OW/OM knows you are both aware of the situation.

With my WH's first EA HE wrote the breakup/NC letter and sent it, supposedly. I never saw it. I had no clue how to proceed with what had just happened when I discovered it.

It turns out he either did not actually write one, or told the OW he was doing it and to ignore it in case I asked to see it. She just changed her online identity to another person so I would not know. One of 6 personalities, one of which she pretended to be a guy. That didn't work so well as it was unusual for my H to have so much to say to a guy online back then and what "he" said to my H seemed really oddly phrased, not natural. Of course, by that point I was keenly aware of what he was doing online. I had installed a Spectre keylogger and could read what he was saying to her.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes...
The purpose is you don't want her indulging the fantasy of "what if" and "forbidden love". She needs to see him as the rat he is.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'd wait until the XS found out, then I'd ask them a little later how it's going with their new love. When they tell me about the new lover's infidelity, then I'd say:

"Oh yeah, I knew that they were f**king around on you for xx months, but I decided to take a lesson from you and keep it from you!"

Oooohhh...they'd be soooooo PI**ED!

Cue Bob Dylan's "How Does It Feel?"


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Just to clarify I'm a BS (female)and my WS is male....not that it makes a difference to the advice. We are in recovery almost two years and it's been quite the internal struggle for me.

It seems most of you suggest I tell him but how do you even approach that, " hey hubby, remember your online soulmate who was so devastated that you dumped because you were married with kids but always wondered "what if".....well guess you were one of many"


He can either get real pissed at me for ruining his perfect memory of her or feel he dodged a bullet,,,,,or maybe he already knows


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Knowing me, no I couldn't take the information to the grave. I would tell him. Especially since the NC letter sounded more like love letter, not a true NC letter.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't think you have to think too carefully about it. It is just a bit of information. That is it. And him knowing it can only work in your favour in my opinion...the only downside I can see is if he is upset about it. Possibly even wanting to contact her to ask WTF! I think the worst that will happen is that you discover he still has feelings for her. But at least you can deal with it if he displays feelings.

I would want to tell him just to see his reaction. And to gloat about how disposable he was. For sure. And it would be well earned enjoyment! Very well earned.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Remains---You know reading what you just wrote struck a chord with me because that's how I felt finding out that my husband was in "love" after a few weeks of chatting with a unknown person .....disposable.

I have struggled for two years of therapy to find the word that symbolizes how horrible I felt. Could have saved myself a lot of money!!!!


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

daggeredheart said:


> If your marriage is in reconciliation or divorced and you discovered that the AP was "cheating" on your WS, would you tell them or just let sleeping dogs lie?


At that point, who friggin' cares?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Yeah, feeling so utterly disposable is a really sh*t feeling, and I guess all BS's feel it. He may not feel anything with the information, he may already know. Or he may feel a pang of hurt too. If I were you I would think about what you want to gain from this, if you want his reaction to be hurt then you might find he is not. If he is hurt you might find that it brings more hurt to you, wondering why he is hurt.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think I'd tell. I might even create a free website and document the whole thing for posterity sake.

I most certainly wouldn't pass up any opportunity to point out details of why the loyal spouse is a catch and the AP is a selfish piece of trash.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I would probably bring it up casually somehow, maybe while talking your relationship, or the past EA, nothing heavy.

Maybe say " Hey, did XOW tell you she had a real life boyfriend while you were involved? (answer: no -probably not) "Really? I jsut heard from someone that she was engaged to a guy within weeks of you two 'breaking up' "

And let it go at that unless he wants to talk about it. He probably won't and I would just let it lie there. He'll think about it alright, he just won't tell you he is. You don't have to draw him a diagram about it either, he'll figure it out, eventually.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> He can either get real pissed at me for ruining his perfect memory of her or feel he dodged a bullet,,,,,or maybe he already knows


All reasons why I would let him know.

Let him be pissed, you need to smash ANY embers that might exist in the back of his brain.
Dodging a bullet is in the same realm as above. Phew, I almost threw my marriage away for someone that fickle.
If he already knows, that is an entirely different can of worms, which starts with the word "how."


----------

