# Kissed long-time GF's friend - I need sound advice.



## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

First of all, I have never been in this predicament before and I ask for respectful and genuine advice.

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years... (We'll call her *Cindy*) I truly have always wanted to marry her since we began dating, as well as she.
For the past 4 years or so, we have been rocky. We have a hard time communicating (yelling, fighting about meaningless things, etc.). 
Two years ago, I introduced her to a co-worker's girlfriend - her and my girlfriend hit it off since then.
This girl (who we'll call *Sarah*) and Cindy have become close and keep a constant line of communication.

Around last Fall, Sarah was having a very ugly break-up with her boyfriend. She confided in both Cindy and I, spent time at our home, and built a circle of trust with both of us. 
Unfortunately, that circle of trust included me a little more than I honestly wanted - she would text me often, mostly to vent or talk about everyday life... eventually, she started coming on to me in person. At first, I resisted. I would brush the flirtation off and redirect the conversation elsewhere.

* I should note the state of my relationship at this time was very delicate. Cindy and I argued constantly about money and other nonsense that has been dragging into our communication for the past four years - I was feeling disconnected and frustrated. Talking became difficult. 

Anyway, Sarah continued to text me, and like an idiot, I texted back. This went on for about a month. One day we were drinking, and kissed. I drew a blank after the fact, and felt this pit in my stomach. We did continue to text for a brief time after that, and slowly we withdrew from contact.
She soon met a guy, started dating him. 

I had no contact with Sarah for roughly two months - this gave me and Cindy time to start reconnecting. Eventually Cindy, me, Sarah, and her boyfriend hung out a few times to get drinks and that sort of thing... everything was fine, she had her relationship and I was enjoying the re-connection I was having with Cindy (I even made many excuses NOT to hang out at times due to the uncomfortable nature of contact Sarah and I had, despite them all inviting me with no end). A couple of months pass, I strongly feel that Cindy and I needed to hash out things in order to better our communication/relationship, so I suggested couple's counseling and reserved an appointment. About a few weeks after I suggest couple's counseling, Cindy, Sarah and her boyfriend go wine tasting and I opt out... on their way home, on the phone, I notice Cindy is hammered and so is Sarah. The call ends and soon after Sarah is texting me - FLIRTING with me nearby Cindy and Sarah's boyfriend! She's dropping innuendos and flirting... I try to be polite and vague with a few "ha-ha's" and so on, but she persists. Finally, I just tell her that "we can't do anything. Not to say I wouldn't want to, but we just can't." She understands and lets it go.

Fast-forward to a week later, Sarah's boyfriend finds out, he confronts me... I explain the situation, he says he knows it wasn't entirely me and that it's mostly her fault. Also, she's apparently been having inappropriate contact with a long-time crush from work, too. 

That same night, I text Sarah and flat-out tell her that "all the conversations we've ever had back then should have never happened and that my priority is Cindy. I have a real future with her and we've invested a lot into out very long relationship."

She apologized and said that "from now on, any contact she would have with me would be through Cindy. I'm very sorry for everything." (Basically that she would maintain her friendship with Cindy and honor my disconnection with Sarah)

Anyway, despite the immense guilt and pain I feel, Cindy and I have been remarkably great. We decided to pull the plug on the decision of moving back to our hometown together and we have been discussing our original talks about marriage.

* Here is my very difficult and complex situation: 
Cindy and Sarah bought a concert pack some time ago... before this situation blew up, they were going to these concerts together, as well as shortly after the situation exploded. Next month, Cindy's parents come into town to visit and Cindy promised her mom she'd bring her along to one of the concerts with Sarah and Sarah's boyfriend (who to this day are still dating).

To boot, Cindy's parents love Sarah and are looking forward to seeing her. Unfortunately, I have to tell Cindy about the flirting and the kiss... I just feel it's the only option I have. 
I have been battling this decision for a very long time, and now that the cat's out of the bag (with Sarah and her boyfriend), I would rather not run the risk of Cindy finding out from someone other than me!

** So, HOW do I tell Cindy something like this (she's very sensitive and in the past, has a habit of re-bringing things up that lead to a small argument)? How detailed do I get, if much at all?
Not long ago, I have subtly told Cindy how I feel about Sarah in regards to me not feeling she is a genuine friend to Cindy, in which Cindy responds relatively positive towards (says she can see what I mean, etc.). 

Also, my other main fear is what her parents would say if they realize they are not going to this concert with Sarah anymore - I don't want them to start probing and driving Cindy crazy to the point where they find out the real reason. (her parents tend to be judgmental and pushy - I don't want them to ever know about this).

Also, our counselor knows this story from when I privately sat down with her and told her while Cindy went out of town for a weekend to visit her best friend. 

Listen, I know this was not all Sarah's doing - I messed up and I own my mistake. I truthfully did not initiate this and didn't ask for this from the beginning. It got out hand in a time where we were in a very confusing time. I regretted it ever since.

I'm not perfect, I'm not confused anymore, and I'm not a bad person. I made a terrible mistake, one I wish I could take back. I'm terrified to break this silence to Cindy and I'm scared to death of her reaction... the truth is, I love her with all my heart. I cannot stand the thought of her in any pain, but I also cannot sleep, eat, or focus on my work. This literally consumes me every single day to the point that I feel it's slowly killing me. I'm thinking about her family, I'm thinking about our very long and beautiful relationship, and I'm thinking about our future together. 

I don't understand how things can be going so amazingly well these past couple of months, and at the same time, I have this horrible feeling and lack of self esteem in my life.

I need help. I need to find a positive solution to this - my relationship with Cindy sincerely means the world to me.

Thank you to whoever is reading and responding. Any sound suggestions will be helpful!

P.S. sorry for the novel I left on here... I haven't spoken to this about anyone else but the counselor and it's very hard to put into words.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have your counselor help you to tell your GF.

And keep your distance from her friend.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Have your counselor help you to tell your GF.
> 
> And keep your distance from her friend.


Unfortunately, the reason I am on here is because our counselor is extremely booked and won't be able to see us for another few weeks. The longer I prolong this, the harder it will become. Her parents come into town next month - I'm trying to buy time to work on this with Cindy before her parents get here.

I have not and have ZERO desire to even see Sarah. Ever. I can honestly say that I can't stand her. For continuing to be in Cindy's life and for the texting.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Why would you not tell us you have been sleeping with her?

People here have seen it all. You can't hide it, it is clearly visible.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Why would you not tell us you have been sleeping with her?
> 
> People here have seen it all. You can't hide it, it is clearly visible.


I mentioned the details as they happened. Not ONCE did we ever sleep together. It was not an option for me. I avoided Sarah like the plague not long after the kiss. Like I had mentioned, I have never done this before, and had no real intentions to let it evolve into something worse. Don't assume mine, or others' situations are with the same circumstances... similar, maybe, but not the same. We never slept together.

This is the truth.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

OK, but why then make such a big deal out of something while she does not even know it? This is all in your head, your guilt is disproportional to what you tell here.

If you are so afraid of her reaction, that is strange because your relation is not one of the best so far. Only the last months are you thinking it is good.

Seen her verbal battling of the past, her sensitivity, I would say tell her what happened, just the facts, that you would want to keep it a secret because it did not mean much, but you want her to hear it from you instead of from others.

THEN keep your cool, be indifferent to her reaction and possible break up. 
THAT is the best change on keeping her.

BUT I would say you are better of without her anyway.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> OK, but why then make such a big deal out of something while she does not even know it? This is all in your head, your guilt is disproportional to what you tell here.
> 
> If you are so afraid of her reaction, that is strange because your relation is not one of the best so far. Only the last months are you thinking it is good.
> 
> ...


No, only 4 years of our relationship of 8 years has been rocky. I didn't say they were horrible, just rocky. They are getting way better now (similar to how we first began dating - we're communicating better and enjoying each others' company. We're having fun.)

My guilt comes from doing something I shouldn't have done, period. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe I'm not. This is why I am here opening up. I am lucky to have a great partner in my life, and to have the relationship we have... aside from my mistake, we've always had (and still have) a strong bond.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why were they rocky?


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Why were they rocky?


Matt, we began to lose the spark we once had. We became complacent and too comfortable. As bills became a focal issue, so did our intimacy (very little desire for sex on my part - mainly due to the constant arguing and disagreements).

It was a rough patch for us, and now we're here. I'm getting a new job, graduating soon, her sister is having a baby, we're moving back home to be near family and friends... and most importantly, I'm learning to pick my fights. With that, she's also communicating better as well. We're being romantic again, we're being physical like we used to be, and we're being sweet to each other... genuinely. 

Like I said, I'm not perfect and neither is she. She's had a moment when we first started dating where there was a guy in her college she liked and would hang out with sometimes. We ironed this issue out in the past and she admitted that it wasn't appropriate. As far as I can tell, she never crossed any lines with the guy. However, I did with her friend. There's no denying that either.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> Matt, we began to lose the spark we once had. We became complacent and too comfortable. As bills became a focal issue, so did our intimacy (very little desire for sex on my part - mainly due to the constant arguing and disagreements).
> 
> It was a rough patch for us, and now we're here. I'm getting a new job, graduating soon, her sister is having a baby, we're moving back home to be near family and friends... and most importantly, I'm learning to pick my fights. With that, she's also communicating better as well. We're being romantic again, we're being physical like we used to be, and we're being sweet to each other... genuinely.
> 
> Like I said, I'm not perfect and neither is she. She's had a moment when we first started dating where there was a guy in her college she liked and would hang out with sometimes. We ironed this issue out in the past and she admitted that it wasn't appropriate. As far as I can tell, she never crossed any lines with the guy. However, I did with her friend. There's no denying that either.



After 4 or so years, the relationship can move on to marriage or go separate ways because things like marriage and children are what allows things to stay interesting. People need to feel like they are progressing in life in order to feel motivated and good.
without that , people get frustrated and unsatisfied. This can lead to chaos. 
Set some goals for the two of you and move forward.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Firstly, I saw your comment elsewhere asking why waywards are treated so poorly here.

Its because situations such as you describe are nearly unheard of around here. Generally, it is partners that didn't even tap the brakes at the kissing stage. They carry out full blown affairs, risking all without considering spouses, children, disease, financial woes, the whole bag. They rewrite history, blame their faithful spouses, and hide or defend their actions.

You deal is like a mosquito bite in comparison. On top of that, you don't really need guidance, you've self corrected. In short, you have a conscience. Follow it.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> Matt, *we began to lose the spark we once had. We became complacent and too comfortable. As bills became a focal issue, so did our intimacy (very little desire for sex on my part - mainly due to the constant arguing and disagreements).*
> It was a rough patch for us, and now we're here. I'm getting a new job, graduating soon, her sister is having a baby, we're moving back home to be near family and friends... and most importantly, I'm learning to pick my fights. With that, she's also communicating better as well. We're being romantic again, we're being physical like we used to be, and we're being sweet to each other... genuinely.
> 
> Like I said, I'm not perfect and neither is she. She's had a moment when we first started dating where there was a guy in her college she liked and would hang out with sometimes. We ironed this issue out in the past and she admitted that it wasn't appropriate. As far as I can tell, she never crossed any lines with the guy. However, I did with her friend. There's no denying that either.


Anonymous, you've just described what happens in a lot of typical marriages. (Loss of that "spark" has driven a lot of wives into affairs to get the so-called "spark" back.) The "spark" is kid stuff. That thrill always fades, but never totally disappears. You two were actually "married" but without the benefit of the paper and ceremony and going through the same problems all young marrieds face. As far as the kiss goes, come on, people do dumb things, my friend. You know that. Is your love for this girl and your hopes for a future together worth telling her about this one-time slip-up or would it be wiser to just let it go and ring it up to somethin' dumb you did which will never be repeated? Stop flogging yourself over something that meant absolutely nothing. Just sayin' and wishing you two the best.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

A few things....

Sarah needs to know you will be telling Cindy so she can be prepared. 

Also, if the texts show Sarah was more the aggressor, then they may be of some help to you. Not that you want to blame Sarah, but to show you were not overtly chasing her.

Totally man up and own up to what you have done. Take responsibility. 

I am a firm believer in honesty as the only policy and let the chips fall where they may.

Best of luck.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> No, only 4 years of our relationship of 8 years has been rocky. I didn't say they were horrible, just rocky. They are getting way better now (similar to how we first began dating - we're communicating better and enjoying each others' company. We're having fun.)
> 
> My guilt comes from doing something I shouldn't have done, period. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe I'm not. This is why I am here opening up. I am lucky to have a great partner in my life, and to have the relationship we have... aside from my mistake, we've always had (and still have) a strong bond.


I am not sure avoidance of Sarah is the right thing to do. It's obvious that Cindy and her are still tight, it's awkward that Cindy's parents are hanging out with Sarah, Cindy and Sarah's boyfriend so it seems to me that your self isolation is only hurting you. If Sarah is the way you described, then why allow her unfettered access to Cindy without you having a chance to observe ? And if they remain friends, you can't avoid her forever so why start now ?

Yes there is a possibility that a breakup of Cindy and Sarah could occur but the tighter those two are, and more distant you are, the more you will get blamed and penalized. JMO


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How hot is this Sarah that
1. you were willing to risk an 8 year relationship
2. even her boyfriend put up with a bunch of indiscretions..... (that he knows about)

Perhaps this knowledge can be used for the force of good...... such as in avoiding the loss of spark in your relationship.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> First of all, I have never been in this predicament before and I ask for respectful and genuine advice.
> 
> I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years... (We'll call her *Cindy*) I truly have always wanted to marry her since we began dating, as well as she.
> For the past 4 years or so, we have been rocky. We have a hard time communicating (yelling, fighting about meaningless things, etc.).
> ...



Ok lets face some facts. You cheated on Cindy. Not physically but emotionally. Just as bad. Soooo in my opinion you need to go to counselling and man up. Then go forward. Your behavier was inappropriate. You need to understand that. Then if Cindy is who you want to spend the rest of your life with then fix this. If she forgives you!!! Sorry to be so hard on you but thats the facts..


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rooster2014 said:


> Ok lets face some facts. You cheated on Cindy. Not physically but emotionally. Just as bad. Soooo in my opinion you need to go to counselling and man up. Then go forward. Your behavier was inappropriate. You need to understand that. Then if Cindy is who you want to spend the rest of your life with then fix this. If she forgives you!!! *Sorry to be so hard on you but thats the facts.*.


I don't think that you are hard on him at all. I wonder whether the OP was smirking at his gf all this time thinking how dumb and trusting she was of her best friend and boy friend. 

I had a "friend" when I was married the first time. IT wasn't until later when she said something that I realised that all this time, all her effort to be one on one with my exH ie long conversations at parties; she always wanted him to join us even though she was not bringing a date of her own.

And also what I feel now the invasive questions about interracial marriages (I'm black; he's white and she's Jewish). It makes me wonder if she felt angry that someone from a lower race had what she wanted.

Anonymous, y our description of your behavior with Sarah is weak and lily livered. I have let my current husband know that excuses like that just won't stand up.

Anonymous, did you secretly get excited over the attention that she was giving you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sounds like my wife's crap excuses. I'll tell you right now the relationship was rocky because your time was invested somewhere else. If we asked your girl it probably didn't seem that bas, but you were distant. My wife used the same excuse and I pointed out how "sure it was struggling, but considering you were worried about a friends life what did you expect?" Your emotional help was invested in another person so, your relationship couldn't heal or grow. Kind of funny how two month after contact ended things started looking up no? It isn't a coincidence, you were reinvested in your relationship.

I'm on the fence. The ethical me, with morals and integrity, says you need to tell her right now. Your guilt will hurt the relationship plus, if "Sarah"ever comes clean you are screwed. Also, you never know when or if she discovers it herself. This is much worse and I am speaking as the discoverer of my wife's emotional affair. If my wife had of came to me first, things would be a ton smoother right now.

A smaller part of me, in the thick of reconciliation after a mosquito bite, says "F No!" I'd love to be oblivious with no vacillating between love and triggers which make me want to divorce. Just so you know, she will wonder if you really reinvested in the relationship or if it's because Sarah found a boyfriend.

I think you should tell her, but be prepared for the fallout.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I don't think that you are hard on him at all. I wonder whether the OP was smirking at his gf all this time thinking how dumb and trusting she was of her best friend and boy friend.
> 
> I had a "friend" when I was married the first time. IT wasn't until later when she said something that I realised that all this time, all her effort to be one on one with my exH ie long conversations at parties; she always wanted him to join us even though she was not bringing a date of her own.
> 
> ...





Okay, here's my problem.. This guy is reaching out for help and trying to come clean and he is now getting attacked for coming on here. 

I think there was some good advice but let's not treat this guy any differently than anyone else who comes on here and tries to fix his problems. 

He knows he's wrong, he's trying to fix it, let's give him some advice to do that. 

It sounds as though we are giving this 'Sarah' a get out of jail free card and his girlfriend Cindy is hanging out with her like nothing happened because she doesn't know.

I am not one of these people who feels that the fault only lies with the person who cheated but also with the other party. 

1) Break it to Cindy what happened
2) Ask for her forgiveness and 
3) Have a plan for all eventualities
4) Think through your plan before you break it to Cindy


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Okay, here's my problem.. This guy is reaching out for help and trying to come clean and he is now getting attacked for coming on here.
> 
> I think there was some good advice but let's not treat this guy any differently than anyone else who comes on here and tries to fix his problems.
> 
> ...



and yes you were wrong but you already admitted that


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The guilt you are feeling is because you have breached your own ethical standards and that is tearing you apart. One kiss is cheating but then so is texting, so is being too involved in her life but you slammed on the brakes hard and this shows your true character. 

Forget this other girl. Forget the one kiss. Forget it all and move on with your life. 
I suspect that once this other woman realizes that even though you are (or were ) interested in her you will go no further and there is no hope she will then fade from your circle of friends.

Paradoxically you having drawn a line is probably making you more attractive to her.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Plan out your disclosure, make sure to tell her everything. Write it out so you don't flake out at her initial reaction. She is going to be pissed and either shut down crying or blow up in anger. Your reaction to that is going to be to want to diminish what happened in some misplaced want to 'not hurt her more'. But she will sense you are holding back and the mistrust will build. 

So, get it all out there. Do the kiss em before you kick em approach. Tell her why you love her. Be specific. Tell her what your hopes for your future relationship are. Then tell her that you have done something you feel horrible about, and you fear you put that future at risk. Then, disclose it. All of it. 

If you have the texts or can restore them, do it. Have them available if she wants to review them. 

It's going to be difficult. She may not be able to forgive you. That's a risk. But if you don't, you take away her ability to CHOOSE to be with you. Your relationship, if it goes further has a foundation that includes deceit. That will cause future problems, which I think you already see some of that ahead of you, hence your desire to come clean.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Mountain/mole hill.

Boyfriend knows. Sarah knows to leave you alone.

Cindy doesn't need to be crushed by this. Yes, this goes against TAM dogma.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Mountain/mole hill.
> 
> Boyfriend knows. Sarah knows to leave you alone.
> 
> Cindy doesn't need to be crushed by this. Yes, this goes against TAM dogma.


He could get away with this as long as Sarah is somehow contained.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There are two reasons you should tell her:

One - she' going to find out anyway. Too many people know what happened; and when she does, it will be much worse for you.

Two - It's the right thing to do.

In terms of what to tell her; go back and read your original post again. Everything you need to tell her is contained in the paragraphs of your post.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Okay, here's my problem.. This guy is reaching out for help and trying to come clean and he is now getting attacked for coming on here.
> 
> I think there was some good advice but let's not treat this guy any differently than anyone else who comes on here and tries to fix his problems.
> 
> ...


Thank you, WMN1. I appreciate you being neutral unlike most of the responses I've been getting. I'm not one for dismissing my own responsibility from this, but I also didn't ask for Sarah to force herself and her relationship problems into our lives the way she did - I don't like her as a person and Cindy doesn't deserve a "friend" like that. My guilt comes from two angles: the fact that I went along with the flirting and the fact that she's always in contact with Cindy via text, etc. My blood boils when I know they're having a conversation.

Again, thank you. I will take your advice as best I can.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

badmemory said:


> There are two reasons you should tell her:
> 
> One - she' going to find out anyway. Too many people know what happened; and when she does, it will be much worse for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> I have not and have ZERO desire to even see Sarah. Ever. I can honestly say that I can't stand her. For continuing to be in Cindy's life and for the texting.


So she is a horrible person who you can't stand because of the betrayal of Cindy and continuing to be in her life?

Do you not see the problem with such a sentence? Not to mention your dismay at the treatment of people who have "made a mistake"? 

Point is, you need to make this right with Cindy, let her decide how to proceed with Sarah, and drop this negative attitude towards Sarah because you are guilty of the same.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> He could get away with this as long as Sarah is somehow contained.


I have been getting away with this, and it's not a good feeling. Hence, why I'm here to find effective and helpful ways to talk to Cindy. I want to save our relationship, not cause harm to it any more than has been done.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> ...but I also didn't ask for Sarah to force herself and her relationship problems into our lives the way she did - I don't like her as a person and Cindy doesn't deserve a "friend" like that.
> ... My blood boils when I know they're having a conversation.
> 
> Again, thank you. I will take your advice as best I can.


It makes your blood boil because you think her friendship with Cindy isn't sincere? Is Sarah a sociopath that gets on on knowing she flirted with and Kissed Cindy's boyfriend?

Or are you worried she will disclose the kiss to Cindy?

Those are questions to ask yourself. I don't need to know. Just giving you some food for thought.


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## Anonymousguy1 (Sep 7, 2014)

vellocet said:


> So she is a horrible person who you can't stand because of the betrayal of Cindy and continuing to be in her life?
> 
> Do you not see the problem with such a sentence? Not to mention your dismay at the treatment of people who have "made a mistake"?
> 
> Point is, you need to make this right with Cindy, let her decide how to proceed with Sarah, and drop this negative attitude towards Sarah because you are guilty of the same.


At what point do I deny guilt? I own my half of the responsibility, but I also mentioned how ****ty Sarah is due to the fact that when I was confronted by her boyfriend he mentioned she was also in an inappropriate contact with a co-worker as well... I clearly stated that.
I dislike her also because she pretends to be friends with Cindy and I won't let her - Cindy is a great person and deserves A) the truth and B)not a friend like Sarah.

Again, I own my half... I stupidly decided to go along with the texting, but I also didn't pursue this initially and didn't plan to be in any kind of situation like this with Sarah. As I mentioned before, I have never done this before and don't want to be in this situation ever again. I just want my relationship back, but stronger.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just to be clear, you need to own all of the responsibility to the potential damage this has caused your relationship- not just half. The other woman gets half the guilt for the kiss itself. But she doesn't owe your girlfriend anything. You do.

I don't want to berate you, because you do seem like a good guy and yes you made a "mistake" albeit a doozy.

In my opinion you should come clean, because the other woman seems like she could potentially be the vindictive type that would eventually out you to her anyway. I think there is a more than fair chance your relationship will recover and thrive from this, but not if she hears it from someone else first.

It's also disrepectul for your girlfriend that this other woman is still friends with her, as far as your girlfriend knows. If she finds out down the road after months/years of dinners and drinks, it will be all the worse for you.

Good luck man! Sorry you are in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

One more thing just to add. If Sarah's boyfriend came on here looking for advice, that he caught his girlfriend kissing other dudes, the advice here to him would have universally been to tell him to tell YOUR girlfriend that you were kissing his girlfriend.

If this is something that is going to eat at the back of his head, he may still do just that. 

Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> At what point do I deny guilt? I own my half of the responsibility, but I also mentioned how ****ty Sarah is due to the fact that when I was confronted by her boyfriend he mentioned she was also in an inappropriate contact with a co-worker as well... I clearly stated that.
> 
> 
> I dislike her also because she pretends to be friends with Cindy and I won't let her - Cindy is a great person and deserves A) the truth and B)not a friend like Sarah.


She also deserves fidelity, no? And if Sarah vows to never hurt Cindy again, then what makes her less deserving of forgiveness? It may be that Sarah is seen as some horrible person for her other "mistakes". But you really aren't the one to make that judgment.



> As I mentioned before, I have never done this before and don't want to be in this situation ever again. I just want my relationship back, but stronger.


And I believe you. So unless I missed it, when do you plan on telling her?

And just to give you a glimpse of her end of betrayal, this is something to consider.

She could forgive you and move on. But make no mistake, she will think about you kissing Sarah, or any other girl for that matter, from here on. It may not consume her thoughts, but once in a while she will envision you cheating on her. This is what you will have exiled her to.....thinking about cheating on her from time to time. If she has triggers, say a year from now, how will you handle them?

Will you feel like she just needs to get over it? Or will you be humble and try to console her and assure her of the state of things?

And if she does openly display her trigger reactions, how long will you put up with it?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> One more thing just to add. If Sarah's boyfriend came on here looking for advice, that he caught his girlfriend kissing other dudes, the advice here to him would have universally been to tell him to tell YOUR girlfriend that you were kissing his girlfriend.
> 
> If this is something that is going to eat at the back of his head, he may still do just that.
> 
> ...


To me this is no big deal. They aren't married. Sarah and this new boyfriend are very short term from what I understand. I would probably just move on and find somebody else if I were the other dude. Making it a big deal and telling Cindy and all this other stuff just seems like more trouble then its worth all for a relationship that is so new.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Just to be clear, you need to own all of the responsibility to the potential damage this has caused your relationship- not just half. The other woman gets half the guilt for the kiss itself. But she doesn't owe your girlfriend anything. You do.


Well, I do disagree here. She was supposed to be her friend. You don't betray your friend.

And even if this Sarah was just some random person, if she knew Anonymous had a girlfriend, she owes someone else the decency of not being an accomplice to something that is going to hurt her. I have a huge problem with the mindset of someone(not referring to you here) that would say, "I'm going to get mine and I don't owe this other person a damn thing"


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Cindy is a great person and deserves A) the truth and B)not a boyfriend like you. You have lied to her too long...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> At what point do I deny guilt? I own my half of the responsibility, but I also mentioned how ****ty Sarah is due to the fact that when I was confronted by her boyfriend he mentioned she was also in an inappropriate contact with a co-worker as well... I clearly stated that.
> I dislike her also because she pretends to be friends with Cindy and I won't let her - Cindy is a great person and deserves A) the truth and B)not a friend like Sarah.
> 
> *Again, I own my half... I stupidly decided to go along with the texting,* but I also didn't pursue this initially and didn't plan to be in any kind of situation like this with Sarah. As I mentioned before, I have never done this before and don't want to be in this situation ever again. I just want my relationship back, but stronger.


Half of what...... this is the problem with these male/ female friendships.... they spin out of control. Perhaps, pushed to the wall, Sarah will say that you led her on. While my husband steadfastly maintained that he was just friends with his EA, I saw a text from the EA in which she accused him of leading her on.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> I'm not one for dismissing my own responsibility from this, *but*


Be careful OP. That "but" is not going to serve you well in your explanation to her - even if the logic is legitimate. Exclude it and everything that comes after it when you confess. 

Own what you did. Don't blame shift. Trust me on that one.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> Any sound suggestions will be helpful!


This sounds like a scenario ideal for a polyamorous V, other than some problems in your core relationship.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Well, I do disagree here. She was supposed to be her friend. You don't betray your friend.
> 
> And even if this Sarah was just some random person, if she knew Anonymous had a girlfriend, she owes someone else the decency of not being an accomplice to something that is going to hurt her. I have a huge problem with the mindset of someone(not referring to you here) that would say, "I'm going to get mine and I don't owe this other person a damn thing"


I agree. She's an awful friend. I guess in a relationship hierarchy, boyfriend/girlfriend trumps friends. But it's up to OP to come clean to repair the relationship that they damaged. Sarah is 50% cause of the problem, but OP is 100% responsible to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

sinnister said:


> To me this is no big deal. They aren't married. Sarah and this new boyfriend are very short term from what I understand. I would probably just move on and find somebody else if I were the other dude. Making it a big deal and telling Cindy and all this other stuff just seems like more trouble then its worth all for a relationship that is so new.


Yes probably not a big deal, but still a chance -- however small -- that he could spill the beans. If Cindy hears this news from anyone but OP it will be much worse for him.

(That boyfriend should have dropped her like a bad habit- kissing random dudeS?? Not on my watch. She must be a heckuva lay.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Just to be clear, you need to own all of the responsibility to the potential damage this has caused your relationship- not just half. The other woman gets half the guilt for the kiss itself. But she doesn't owe your girlfriend anything. You do.
> 
> I don't want to berate you, because you do seem like a good guy and yes you made a "mistake" albeit a doozy.
> 
> ...


I agree with all this. If you decide to man up with this. Own all of it. She will find out. Too many people know about it. But do it for yourself. Live a clean life. You'll sleeep better. JMO Good Luck


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> * I should note the state of my relationship at this time was very delicate. *Cindy and I argued constantly about money and other nonsense that has been dragging into our communication for the past four years* - I was feeling disconnected and frustrated. Talking became difficult.


Besides all the passive victimhood kind of posting in your original posting, I saw this nugget of a sentence.

Do you consider arguing about money to be nonsense? And what is the *"other nonsense"* that has been dragging into your communication?

I get the feeling that you trivialize important issues quite a bit.

Can you expand on this?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You should and you will tell her. Good; I'm surprised you haven't already yet. You've apparently got somewhat of a conscience and won't be OK until you tell her. 

Like others have said, own it all -- with no "but", and no blame to Sarah. Your actions are on you. You can discuss Her friendship with Sarah separately. And maybe you can call the kiss a "mistake", but make no bones about it -- plenty of EA activity led up to and followed that kiss. That was choices, not "a mistake". So be honest first, with yourself, you had an EA that led to a kiss before you stopped... then own it all... good luck to you.

I'm curious what these "texts" you talk about (maybe minimize?) actually contained and were about, because they clearly were not innocent eithe based on your guilt about them, too.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I would say you stop thinking about what others did wrong or would say, think or do.

You made a mistake, correct it and live a new life from now on. That is your lesson, your new direction.

Come what may, you have a new course.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I would say you stop thinking about what others did wrong or would say, think or do.
> 
> You made a mistake, correct it and live a new life from now on. That is your lesson, your new direction.
> 
> Come what may, you have a new course.


I can agree with this. But the question I'd have is, what new course will his GF take?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Anonymousguy1 said:


> Thank you, WMN1. I appreciate you being neutral unlike most of the responses I've been getting. I'm not one for dismissing my own responsibility from this, but I also didn't ask for Sarah to force herself and her relationship problems into our lives the way she did - I don't like her as a person and Cindy doesn't deserve a "friend" like that. My guilt comes from two angles: the fact that I went along with the flirting and the fact that she's always in contact with Cindy via text, etc. My blood boils when I know they're having a conversation.
> 
> Again, thank you. I will take your advice as best I can.




No problem. Good luck and think through all of the ramifications of your future actions closely before taking the next step. Some here say mountain out of a molehill and that may be correct. You've learned, stop beating yourself up and do what's best for yourself and Cindy from here on out


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> No problem. Good luck and think through all of the ramifications of your future actions closely before taking the next step. Some here say mountain out of a molehill and that may be correct. You've learned, stop beating yourself up and do what's best for yourself and Cindy from here on out


And stop beating up Sarah. Although she was an accomplice, she is not the main problem here.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Of course you latch on to the person who is saying "it isn't just your fault."Checking out and kissing another woman is 100% your fault. The relationship problems are mutual, but your GF didn't force you to do anything you didn't want to do, neither did Sarah. 

Now you don't like her and she's a bad person, but you sure did kiss her. Sarah forced you to text her? She forced you to listen to her tirades about her relationship troubles? She forced you to acknowledge her flirting? She forced you to Kiss? 

CLASSIC Blameshift 101.

Communication before cheating is a much better reaction than shifting the blame. Heck, leaving is a much better option to me.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Be careful OP. That "but" is not going to serve you well in your explanation to her - even if the logic is legitimate. Exclude it and everything that comes after it when you confess.
> 
> Own what you did. Don't blame shift. Trust me on that one.


This is a good point. "but" negates everything before it.

I love her and am sorry but kissed your best friend"

All see there is 
Kissed your best friend


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