# New wife had affair w/ best friend



## TOOname

This is a difficult story for me to tell. Just thinking about typing this makes me nauseous. It's a little detailed; I apologize if any of the language is vulgar, but it's important to my memory of it.

So it all starts with me and my happily engaged fiancee, who I'd been with for five years. We both had budding careers... Things went downhill around December of last year when I got laid off from what I thought was my dream job. I immediately got a new job, but it was lower-paying and had bad evening hours, and it was frankly somewhat humiliating for me. This took an effect on me and my wife and we became more distant for a few months... Things got better as we approached our June wedding date, but were never really the same. We were married in June and, despite the less than ideal circumstances, our wedding was one of the happiest days of my life.

Things went downhill again after the wedding though. From June to November I noticed a change in her personality. She needed more space, wanted more privacy, dressed skimpier and spent a ton of time at the gym, etc. etc. Sex was infrequent (Once a week or every other week) and of varying quality. I spoke up to her about this, but was told I was "pressuring" her.

Anyways, come November I get a call from my wife at work. She is obviously upset but won't tell me why, or why she's calling me at work (which is a rarity). Then about an hour after I get a call from best friends (nicknamed "BF") wife, who says that she found naked pictures of my wife on BF's phone. My wife calls back and is hesitant, but comes out with the truth - she sent BF a few naked pics. She says she wanted attention, someone to tell her she looks pretty, etc. I thank her for being honest and when I get home we start the process of talking it out. She is very, very insistent that she wants us all to be friends again one day. I tell her I want to work on us first, and then maybe work on repairing my friendship with BF down the road.

So yeah, I was a moron and in denial. And while I tried to live happily in denial, some little piece of me knew that this was bull. And later that week, I come in and I see her asleep, with her laptop still open and not password protected... and maybe it wasn't right but I went through it, and in the end I'm glad I did.

I found photos. Not just a couple, but many photos. And then videos. Videos of my wife using toys and moaning BF's name. And then I find a log of text messages generated from her phone, which is 700 pages since last July, of them talking about how good the sex was, and telling each other “I love you,” and detailing the various acts (most importantly, sex without condoms and internal ejaculation)... And I found the coupe de grace, a video of the two of them together. I will be haunted until the day I die by the sight of my wife gleefully having sex with my best friend, being totally powerless to stop it. At least if you catch them in the act they have the decency to stop it for you. Even now as I type these words my entire body is shivering, even in this heated room.

I confronted her. She began to deny, but finally realized she is caught. I damn near ruined my vocal chords screaming at her. I go off to my parent's house. I had to change my phone number because BF kept calling and texting trying to ask if we could still be friends. Reading what he had secretly said to my wife about me, he is obviously some sort of sociopath or something. He would talk with my wife about how good the sex was and how much he loves her, and then immediately talk about how much he is looking forward to hanging out with me. Frankly, the fact that such disturbed people exist frightens me to my core.

Later that week I finally muster up the strength to call her and begin talking about it. But she keeps trying to lie, because she "doesn't want to hurt me." She tells me it was only a couple times... No, I knew it was going on longer. She tells me she always used a condom... No. She tells me she never told him she loves him... Also false. But then she drops the mother of all bombs on me, something I didn't know: She was sleeping with him since March, even before our wedding. She even slept with him the week of the wedding, and the week we got back after the honeymoon. My world had come tumbling down around me. BF was someone who I honestly thought was a great guy, who was my best man and gave an amazing speech at my wedding, he was the guy who when I had pre-wedding jitters I confided in and he reassured me that we were perfect for each other (well after they had already starting having sex), and both my wife and BF, the two people I trusted most, had stabbed me in the back harder than I could ever imagine. She told me she had cut off all contact with BF and wanted me back, but I couldn't do it at the time.

At that time I'd hit rock bottom. It all came to a head when they finally delivered our wedding photos to her house that week. Apparently she looked through them and was overcome by guilt, and tried to kill herself. She gave me a phone call beforehand and I was able to contact the police in time. The whole thing was a reality check for me, I guess. I was so angry at her, but I really don't hate her deep down inside. The fact that I was worried sick about her even despite what had happened gives me hope that this can be fixed.

Anyways, that was a few weeks ago. I don't know what advice you guys can give me. We are going to marriage counseling and both seeing our own personal therapists, her because of the suicide attempt and to sort out how she could have done this, and me to sort out all the trauma and anger I feel. I feel sick when I think of our wedding, when I see my wedding ring, etc. It was all based on a lie. I am trying to learn to forgive her, but still nowhere near close to getting over the hate I hold for BF. I think the worst part is feeling like a victim. I was always taught to be a warrior and not a victim, but I don't really have a choice here. I never had a fighting chance against something like this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm insane for even trying this again. I was pretty much given the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card and rejected it.

I hope some of you have learned something from this, or gained some perspective, or maybe hope or something. I feel a little better being able to share this anonymously. Feel free to call me crazy, or stupid, or gullible, or whatever you would like. At this point I'm still figuring out just what the hell I am.


----------



## keko

No kids, short marriage, vids of her getting banged = dump her and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise

Divorce

That's all she wrote.


----------



## Entropy3000

keko said:


> No kids, short marriage, vids of her getting banged = dump her and move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Right. This is not the woman you were looking for. Let her go. Stop having sex with her.


----------



## Eli-Zor

You may think the advice you are getting is cold , the fact is you never had her heart. Save yourself years of regret , hurt and anguish and D her , you have no ties that bind you down to her , and while your at it let her parents and the so called friends parents know why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TOOname

There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.

It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.


----------



## doc_martin

You sound young. You can forgive her. But if you leave her, you will feel infinitely better in six months. You are in for a life of issues with this woman.


----------



## Malaise

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. *It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that*.


True

You need to RUN


----------



## manonfire

Gonna be harsh here - Leave her ass in the dust. Obviously attempt to help her if shes trying to kill her self, as she is a human being, and you should feel only pity for her, and it will put her more in guilt. She is nothing but a bag of a meat. And not even prime rib. Stop contact with BF. Give a large effort to spill this whole thing to both his and her family. If his wife wants to fix it with him - Let her do it, but let her know how ****ty of a person he is first.


----------



## Malaise

Eli-Zor said:


> You may think the advice you are getting is cold , *the fact is you never had her heart*. Save yourself years of regret , hurt and anguish and D her , you have no ties that bind you down to her , and while your at it let her parents and the so called friends parents know why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Believe this if nothing else.


----------



## warlock07

I had to take a break midway reading your post.

The suicide attempt is a manipulative technique. If she really wanted, she wouldn't have called you. manipulation is in her nature.

Tell your ex best friend's wife the complete details of the affair.(with proof)

File for annulment, if it is not possible then divorce. No negotiation, mediation or reconciliation. This is beyond hope. If you care for her or even love her , it does not matter.. 

I think you are primarily reconciling because you are worried that she will kill herself. get her some psychiatric help and leave her. She is no longer your obligation. Think about it. You were the one that was betrayed. She willingly went through everything. She even did it during the wedding week. It is not as if she had an affair a few months before or after the marriage and was so ridden by guilt to commit suicide when saw the pictures. The bf even gave the speech. . The suicide attempt was meant to get you to reconcile with her.


----------



## warlock07

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.


What did you not find out ? There were 4 years of not looking through her emails. You lost your high paying job in Dec and she started cheating in March. Is this the kind of woman you want to trust your life with ?? She is a sociopath to do what she did to.

Have you read about sunk cost fallacy ? You have 40-50 years of active life left. 5 years is just a small percentage of it. if she would cheat you through engagement and first year of wedding, what you basing your wedding on ?


----------



## Pepper123

Oh gawd... your story is so incredibly sad. In regards to being happily engaged... Keep in mind she was with him during that "happy engagement." She broke the vows before she even took them... why would you tihnk she has any intent to take them seriosuly moving forward?

But truly, you need to move on. It is true that you will miss the good times, but the road ahead with someone that adores you, cherishes you and RESPECTS you is so much more than what she has given you.


----------



## lionsguy22

I would get a divorce. But I wouldn't cut and run.

You obviously loved her. I hate to say it but she probably needs you. I would make it known at MC I wanted a divorce. Give her some time to deal with her issues, get her some help, get her family involved. Then never see her again. She's a liar and a dirtbag.

Are you still living together?

As far as BF I'd tell his wife and never speak to him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TOOname

warlock07 said:


> Tell your ex best friend's wife the complete details of the affair.(with proof)
> 
> File for annulment, if it is not possible then divorce. No negotiation, mediation or reconciliation.
> 
> I think you are primarily reconciling because you are worried that she will kill herself.


I have told BF's wife everything. She asked for the files I found, but I didn't feel comfortable giving them to her, thinking she might put them on the internet or whatever. I told her that my wife would answer whatever questions she had honestly.

I'm not sure if annulment is possible. Infidelity is usually not grounds for it, but I'm not sure if this falls under concealment of information, which is.

I don't believe the last item is true, although it's certainly possible it is and I can't see the forest for the trees right now.


----------



## keko

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.


You're right. Instead of walking away from five years, invest the rest of your life with her. See what that brings to your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude

You're a warrior, so suck it up and move the fk on.

It's pathetic that you're continuing to waste your time with a woman who betrayed you not just once, but MANY times all the while lying to YOUR face how much she loves you. You can't save this, she's not repentant at all, killing herself? Come on, please - that's the most selfish thing one can do. And she called YOU up to tell you that? WTF?!

You are better than this mate, if anything, look back at how she was able to decieve you. Learn from it, and move on. As you do, you will gain wisdom and learn how to protect yourself from sick pieces of trash like your partner. You're in a much better position then her, she has to live with this guilt her whole life...

BUT, if you enable her, if you have her back, if you keep giving her a chance. No, she won't feel guilt at all. She'll have just a slap on the wrist, and then she will continue to cheat, and worse she will learn how to be more DECEPTIVE in the future. She must deal with the consequences of her actions.

You're a warrior, not a victim. So stop being one. Make your choice.

P.S. Forgive me for being harsh, but that's because by your post I know you can move on and find someone more deserving of you. Leave the trash to rot.
Oh, and rip your "best friend" to shreds. Expose him, let everyone know what a fkwit he truly is, and if he even dares to approach you, learn some grappling, you don't want to end up in court paying for damages. Put him in a lock and make him beg for the pain to stop, but don't stop, humiliate him. Make him suffer, physically, socially and emotionally. Let him see what he has done to this woman as well, breaking her up with a man who actually loves her. Let him feel it, let both of them feel it.


----------



## lionsguy22

Also if you stay you risk bringing in a child to this horrid situation. Is that the kind of person you want to mother your child? Also you'd never really be 100% it was your kid. She obviously has no qualms letting other guys cum in her.

Also I'm sorry for you. Your in my prayers. I also pray she gets the help she needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TOOname

RandomDude said:


> You're a warrior, so suck it up and move the fk on.
> 
> It's pathetic that you're continuing to waste your time with a woman who betrayed you not just once, but MANY times all the while lying to YOUR face how much she loves you. You can't save this, she's not repentant at all, killing herself? Come on, please - that's the most selfish thing one can do. And she called YOU up to tell you that? WTF?!
> 
> You are better than this mate, if anything, look back at how she was able to decieve you. Learn from it, and move on. As you do, you will gain wisdom and learn how to protect yourself from sick pieces of trash like your partner. You're in a much better position then her, she has to live with this guilt her whole life...
> 
> BUT, if you enable her, if you have her back, if you keep giving her a chance. No, she won't feel guilt at all. She'll have just a slap on the wrist, and then she will continue to cheat, and worse she will learn how to be more DECEPTIVE in the future. She must deal with the consequences of her actions.
> 
> You're a warrior, not a victim. So stop being one. Make your choice.
> 
> P.S. Forgive me for being harsh, but that's because by your post I know you can move on and find someone more deserving of you. Leave the trash to rot.


I understand your feelings, but she has been honest with me since I found out. She is likely mentally screwed, but she is honestly feeling guilty. She did a terrible thing to me and she knows it.

But reading all this advice, I am seriously considering calling it off. I'm going to at least give counseling a shot - after all, the worst that happens in counseling is we get divorced anyways - but I'm not holding my breath.

I wish her no pain though, don't really care to run a smear campaign against her like some people might suggest. Her suffering does me zero good.

Edit: Since some people seem to think there's more she's hiding, please keep in mind that it's possible but she eventually came out with details that I didn't know to ask for, so it's unlikely she hid anything more. I think once she came out with all the info she was finally being honest. Obviously I can never be 100% sure.


----------



## RandomDude

You're a better man then me mate, respect to you. Because I sure as hell ain't that forgiving. But that's all the more reason for you to find someone better.

You said she's honestly feeling guilty? Wait a second here, now I've seen spouses here on this forum who are truly repentant. They offer complete transparency, facebook passwords, emails, phone messages, they take the initiative by seeking help for themselves, they reveal everything. Does she do any of that?

Sorry but her calling you up emotionally blackmailing you threatening to kill herself just doesn't cut it. That's fking selfish if you ask me, not from a repentant spouse who actually understands the pain she put you in.

As for keeping everything low profile, it may not do YOU any good sure -> But if you're going to keep protecting her from dealing with the consequences of her actions she will not only NOT learn from her mistake but she WILL repeat it with any future partner. 

But yes, if you decide to at least call it off and move on, then perhaps she will learn - just dont take her back, for both your sakes. Shame about your best mate though, why is he still standing? Unlike a woman, you can actually beat the crap outta him!!! I know I wouldn't be able to resist!!! But that's just me...


----------



## Malaise

TOOname said:


> I understand your feelings, but she has been honest with me since I found out. She is likely mentally screwed, but she is honestly feeling guilty. She did a terrible thing to me and she knows it.
> 
> But reading all this advice, I am seriously considering calling it off. *I'm going to at least give counseling a shot - after all, the worst that happens in counseling is we get divorced anyways - but I'm not holding my breath.*
> I wish her no pain though, don't really care to run a smear campaign against her like some people might suggest. Her suffering does me zero good.
> 
> Edit: Since some people seem to think there's more she's hiding, please keep in mind that it's possible but she eventually came out with details that I didn't know to ask for, so it's unlikely she hid anything more. I think once she came out with all the info she was finally being honest. Obviously I can never be 100% sure.


What's the point of counseling?

Are you going to forget what she did? Is she going to say "OK*,now* I'll be faithful, give me a mulligan for before"

And it's not a smear campaign, it's telling the truth.


----------



## Malaise

And it seems, as you've decsribed the lenghth of time, that you were the outsider in the trio and that her primary relationship partner was OM.


----------



## keko

What are you expecting from counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lionsguy22

It's not only on the OM. She knowingly hurt another couples marraige. She knew he was married. This should be taken into account also. The pain her actions inflicted on presumably innocent om's wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr

TOOname said:


> I understand your feelings, but she has been honest with me since I found out. She is likely mentally screwed, but she is honestly feeling guilty. She did a terrible thing to me and she knows it.
> 
> But reading all this advice, I am seriously considering calling it off. I'm going to at least give counseling a shot - after all, the worst that happens in counseling is we get divorced anyways - but I'm not holding my breath.
> 
> I wish her no pain though, don't really care to run a smear campaign against her like some people might suggest. Her suffering does me zero good.
> 
> Edit: Since some people seem to think there's more she's hiding, please keep in mind that it's possible but she eventually came out with details that I didn't know to ask for, so it's unlikely she hid anything more. I think once she came out with all the info she was finally being honest. Obviously I can never be 100% sure.


Seriously this will never go away. Even once time passes and it's never mentioned, you will carry this burden with you to your grave if you stay with her (we men seem to do that). I don't think women who cheat understand or have compassion for the sacrifice the BS makes by staying. And again this happened too soon. She should have been enamored with you during the fiance and newlywed phase. What's going to happen when the new wears off if she's already cheated.

Also, if she thinks what's she's done is indefensible then you not leaving her will actually make her lose respect for you which will make this more likely later.

In the end though you'll either act upon what you think or on what you feel. The dynamics at play will make you feel very needy and clingy so I hope you react based on logic and long term success rather than instant gratification and emotional support.


----------



## keko

Thundarr said:


> Also, if she thinks what's she's done is indefensible then you not leaving her will actually make her lose respect for you which will make this more likely later.


How can she lose something she doesn't have?

She really respects someone when she's fvcking his best friend during wedding/honeymoon phase? No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lastor

TOOname said:


> I will be haunted until the day I die by the sight of my wife gleefully having sex with my best friend, being totally powerless to stop it.
> 
> I don't know you at all, obviously, and my heart just broke for you. No one should have to go through that.
> 
> 
> 
> TOOname said:
> 
> 
> 
> But then she drops the mother of all bombs on me, something I didn't know: She was sleeping with him since March, even before our wedding. She even slept with him the week of the wedding, and the week we got back after the honeymoon.
> 
> You are just too nice of a guy. If this "LADY" was sleeping with somebody else this close to your wedding day, that's who she IS. She will be unable to change herself in any way that counts. What about 10 years, 15 years down the road after a couple of kids, some financial problems maybe, boredom setting in, tired and frustrated, sex is old. Are you kidding me? She'll never last. And please, please don't take this personally. She will not last with anyone else either, even your BF or whoever.
> 
> She'll do it again. It's in her nature. I feel as though you know this, but something about you -- your childhood, background, parents -- is making you accept being a victim.
> 
> Don't do it. Break the chain. Go find yourself a nice woman that will appreciate you. Never look back or think back at this crazy wanton again!
Click to expand...


----------



## Lastor

TOOname said:


> But reading all this advice, I am seriously considering calling it off. I'm going to at least give counseling a shot - after all, the worst that happens in counseling is we get divorced anyways - but I'm not holding my breath.
> 
> You're talking like a pushover. Please stop for your own sake. Please tell me on a scale of one to ten how much you even believe her suicide attempt. She is a liar. A woman that does that cannot be a fit mother.


----------



## RandomDude

> The dynamics at play will make you feel very needy and clingy so I hope you react based on logic and long term success rather than instant gratification and emotional support.


Thundarr, you really nailed it there


----------



## Malaise

TOOname said:


> I understand your feelings, but she has been honest with me since I found out. She is likely mentally screwed, but she is honestly feeling guilty. *She did a terrible thing to me and she knows it.*
> But reading all this advice, I am seriously considering calling it off. I'm going to at least give counseling a shot - after all, the worst that happens in counseling is we get divorced anyways - but I'm not holding my breath.
> 
> I wish her no pain though, don't really care to run a smear campaign against her like some people might suggest. Her suffering does me zero good.
> 
> Edit: Since some people seem to think there's more she's hiding, please keep in mind that it's possible but she eventually came out with details that I didn't know to ask for, so it's unlikely she hid anything more. I think once she came out with all the info she was finally being honest. Obviously I can never be 100% sure.


One last thing

See above.

When did she realize that she did such a horrible thing to you?

Not while she was doing it.

Only when she was caught. And she had to come clean with all of it to save herself and her sham of a marriage.


----------



## TOOname

RandomDude said:


> You're a better man then me mate, respect to you. Because I sure as hell ain't that forgiving. But that's all the more reason for you to find someone better.
> 
> You said she's honestly feeling guilty? Wait a second here, now I've seen spouses here on this forum who are truly repentant. They offer complete transparency, facebook passwords, emails, phone messages, they take the initiative by seeking help for themselves, they reveal everything. Does she do any of that?
> 
> Sorry but her calling you up emotionally blackmailing you threatening to kill herself just doesn't cut it. That's fking selfish if you ask me, not from a repentant spouse who actually understands the pain she put you in.
> 
> As for keeping everything low profile, it may not do YOU any good sure -> But if you're going to keep protecting her from dealing with the consequences of her actions she will not only NOT learn from her mistake but she WILL repeat it with any future partner.
> 
> But yes, if you decide to at least call it off and move on, then perhaps she will learn - just dont take her back, for both your sakes. Shame about your best mate though, why is he still standing? Unlike a woman, you can actually beat the crap outta him!!! I know I wouldn't be able to resist!!! But that's just me...


Yes, she did offer up all passwords and such. I have full access.

I'm not going to beat the crap out of him. He is worthless. There's also the fact it'd be far more trouble than it's worth, as he wouldn't be an easy target.


----------



## TOOname

Malaise said:


> And it seems, as you've decsribed the lenghth of time, that you were the outsider in the trio and that her primary relationship partner was OM.


Huh? She pretty voluntarily offered up that it was going back to nine months ago, which is info I didn't have or even think about. I honestly doubt that her and BF were having an affair before then.



keko said:


> What are you expecting from counseling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Insight really. I just want to work through some of the feelings I'm having. I think it will help make my choice more clear. I don't want to go in with the idea that we will or won't get back together.



lionsguy22 said:


> It's not only on the OM. She knowingly hurt another couples marraige. She knew he was married. This should be taken into account also. The pain her actions inflicted on presumably innocent om's wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure BF's wife feels similar to the way I do. At the same time, if BF didn't cheat with my wife, he was going to with someone else. I think the same for my wife, as well.



Thundarr said:


> Seriously this will never go away. Even once time passes and it's never mentioned, you will carry this burden with you to your grave if you stay with her (we men seem to do that). I don't think women who cheat understand or have compassion for the sacrifice the BS makes by staying. And again this happened too soon. She should have been enamored with you during the fiance and newlywed phase. What's going to happen when the new wears off if she's already cheated.
> 
> Also, if she thinks what's she's done is indefensible then you not leaving her will actually make her lose respect for you which will make this more likely later.
> 
> In the end though you'll either act upon what you think or on what you feel. The dynamics at play will make you feel very needy and clingy so I hope you react based on logic and long term success rather than instant gratification and emotional support.


Thank you so much. That is sound advice and good support.



Lastor said:


> You're talking like a pushover. Please stop for your own sake. Please tell me on a scale of one to ten how much you even believe her suicide attempt. She is a liar. A woman that does that cannot be a fit mother.


Guys, dealing with suicide 101 is that you never brush off a suicide threat. That's a pretty universal rule. Yeah, it's likely that nothing would have happened, but at the same time you don't want to the last thing you said to someone before they died be "**** off," almost no matter who it is.


----------



## RandomDude

And about her emotional blackmail? Sorry but that in particular was a real b-tch move and unrepentant at all. What does she say to that?

What else has she done so far either than coming clean only after being caught?



> I'm not going to beat the crap out of him. He is worthless. There's also the fact it'd be far more trouble than it's worth, as he wouldn't be an easy target.


Well at least expose him! Or hire folk like me, that's how I made my living for 6 years heh

Don't tell me he's getting away with all of this!


----------



## TOOname

RandomDude said:


> And about her emotional blackmail? Sorry but that in particular was a real b-tch move and unrepentant at all. What does she say to that?
> 
> What else has she done so far either than coming clean only after being caught?
> 
> 
> 
> Well at least expose him! Or hire folk like me, that's how I made my living for 6 years heh
> 
> Don't tell me he's getting away with all of this!


Oh, he isn't getting away scott free, but I'm willing to bet his wife will take care of that one for me. Let's just say that he works in a field where your integrity is paramount, and where the lack of it can cause you to suddenly find yourself unemployed.

I'm not willing to say that a suicide attempt is emotional blackmail. She has only done it this once, and I'm not to judge whether it was serious or not. Come on guys, everyone should know this. That's the one thing you just can't ignore, no matter how much it sucks.


----------



## RandomDude

> Oh, he isn't getting away scott free, but I'm willing to bet his wife will take care of that one for me. Let's just say that he works in a field where your integrity is paramount, and where the lack of it can cause you to suddenly find yourself unemployed.


Ah, this is nice to hear at least. His wife deserved to know and it's a good thing that she does. Besides, losing his wife and career is hitting him where it hurts. I like it better that way, but I also enjoy having people at my mercy in addition to it all. But that's just me 



> I'm not willing to say that a suicide attempt is emotional blackmail. She has only done it this once, and I'm not to judge whether it was serious or not. Come on guys, everyone should know this. That's the one thing you just can't ignore, no matter how much it sucks.


She called you prior to wanting to do it, knowing you're a nice person, pulling on your heartstrings selfishly, yes it IS emotional blackmail. I dealt with it for 9 months with my ex gf before my wife, it's self-centered behaviour. Your wife has been honest only after being caught, did not take the initiative until after. All of this still doesn't spell repentant spouse to me.

Now I will give her credit for being transparent, that is the principle start. You say that she's been honest so far and she confessed to earlier infidelity, which is good. Was the counselling your idea or hers? Has she taken ownership of what she has done or has she tried to justify it? Has she realised how much pain she inflicted on you and attempted to repair it? Has she supported you and your self-esteem through this?

These are the questions you have to ask and you must be honest with the answers.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

OP, you sound rational and coherent in your posts.

So about divorce or not, in contrary to most posters advising to let her go, I would say you could form your own opinion on this. There is a small chance she will be truthful and really remorseful later on.

What often also is advised is to serve divorce papers with the message you will only stop the procedure if she in the meantime succeeds in convincing you of being really changed. Otherwise the procedure just takes place. 

That could be a strong stand while keeping a little opportunity open. Only, only if you would want her back in a new relation defined by your rules.


----------



## Malaise

TOOname said:


> *Huh? She pretty voluntarily offered up that it was going back to nine months ago, which is info I didn't have or even think about. I honestly doubt that her and BF were having an affair before then.*
> 
> 
> 
> You wrote this :
> 
> *She was sleeping with him since March, even before our wedding. She even slept with him the week of the wedding, and the week we got back after the honeymoon*.
> 
> Where did you fit in there? Certainly not at the top of her list.
> 
> And would she still be sleeping with him if not caught? I think yes.
> 
> So don't give her any credit for disclosure. She did what she had to do, still thinking only of herself.


----------



## WyshIknew

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. *It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that*.


Really?

Why?

Because I'd find it fecking easy.


----------



## warlock07

What exactly do you want now ? Do you want her to change into a different person ?

You were interacting with her the whole time. She was looking at your face and talking to you everyday.. It wasn't a "I got drunk and slept with him"


----------



## Numbersixxx

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.


Yes, you were living inside the Matrix and chewing on virtual stake. Now, the full force of reality hit you and you can either accept it, or try to get back inside your personal imaginary world. 

Do you have children together? If not, leaving her should be a no-brainer. Really, how much more can a woman hurt and humiliate you, for you to say that’s enough?


----------



## Numbersixxx

TOOname said:


> Yes, she did offer up all passwords and such. I have full access.
> 
> I'm not going to beat the crap out of him. *He is worthless*. There's also the fact it'd be far more trouble than it's worth, as he wouldn't be an easy target.


Still good enough for your wife to make amateur porn with.


----------



## richie33

I feel bad for you. Just by reading what you wrote you seem like a good guy. You deserve way better than this. File for divorce, get some individual therapy and find a woman who will really loves you. This one didn't. Good luck in your journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## The Middleman

Let everyone you know exactly the kind of person she is. Consider building a website dedicated to her and BF with all the texts, emails photos and videos she sent him so the world knows the type of person she is. Divorce her and move on with your life. This woman will be nothing but misery for you.


----------



## Hicks

Please, listen to everyone. Counseling cannot make a person something they are not. She is not a person that should ever be a wife. She has no values or qualities required.

Plus, this is very important. Please read what I am about to say. She will never be able to respect you for reconciling with her considering the level of betrayal she did to you and your best friend did to you. She can never be attracted to a weak man who puts up with what she did to you.

You can try and try and counsel and counsel but your marriage cannot be fixed. You should divorce and find a woman who deserves you.


----------



## TBT

Sorry for where you are OP,but in my opinion if she could do this with your BF prior to and after making vows to you then it would call into question your entire relationship.How you can find a way to judge her honesty would be beyond me as obviously she's not the person you thought she was if she could do this so easily.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Oh my gawd! This is one of the most heartless stories of betrayal that I've ever read on TAM. I barely could make it through. Your wife and your so-called best friend have been playing you for years. Everything about them are lies. Fvck them both. She's a manipulator to the nth degree. And yes, people that try to kill themselves don't usually call so that they can be saved. Expose both of these scumbags to the world so that everyone will know to beware them. Also keep the evidence - you might be able to exact some revenge at a future date if you're so inclined.

It's times like these that I remember the advice that Gordon Gekko's gave the Charlie Sheen character in the movie Wall Street:

'If you want a friend, get a dog.'


----------



## DavidWYoung

She changed, you must also.


----------



## Will_Kane

Many if not most of the posters here are pro-marriage, and so am I.

But there's a very good chance your marriage is NOT going to work in the long run. You have no kids. You will NEVER forget this, especially since it's so egregious with your best friend and video tapes and I love you's and the sex was so good and the doing it with him right before and right after your wedding and the only confessing because she was caught and then lying about it until you found out for yourself the truth. Every anniversary. Every memory of your wedding and honeymoon.

The time for her feeling bad and guilty was before she did it. Now YOU have to live with it. She did it before you were married. She looked you in the face every day. She stood at the altar and looked into your eyes and took vows with you. I'm pretty sure annulment is an option.

She only confessed because she got caught. That's the truth. Even when she was caught, she lied about it over and over. She only told you the details that she did because you already knew them. What a fantastic liar she must be to have pulled this over on you. The more you practice something, the better you get at it. Do you get what I'm trying to say?

It's very unlikely you have the full truth now. You have most of it, though, and you have all you need to know.

Don't let her or anyone else tell you that she hurts more than you or just as much as you. There have been many posters here who have both cheated and been cheated on, and all will tell you that being cheated on hurts much more than the guilt and shame of having cheated.

You did the right thing with the suicide threat, but it's time for you to let someone else take over in that department. Let her parents or her friends be in charge of stopping her if she threatens it again.

Cheating is a very selfish act. Cheaters are liars. The whole act of cheating is really at its core the act of lying. So look at her actions, not at her words. She didn't feel like killing herself while she was cheating, only after she was caught. That's because she was mainly upset about getting caught, not so much about the cheating itself.

What are you looking for from counseling? And in what time frame?


----------



## Mr. Self Destruct

Im sorry you are going through this. Your story hit me hard. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

lionsguy22 said:


> I would get a divorce. But I wouldn't cut and run.
> 
> You obviously loved her. I hate to say it but she probably needs you. I would make it known at MC I wanted a divorce. Give her some time to deal with her issues, get her some help, get her family involved. Then never see her again. She's a liar and a dirtbag.
> 
> Are you still living together?
> 
> As far as BF I'd tell his wife and never speak to him again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree.

I would never want to see this woman again - EVER. This would be the ultimate NC, which is what he needs to do to get over this harlot.


----------



## Memento

TOOname said:


> This is a difficult story for me to tell. Just thinking about typing this makes me nauseous. It's a little detailed; I apologize if any of the language is vulgar, but it's important to my memory of it.
> 
> So it all starts with me and my happily engaged fiancee, who I'd been with for five years. We both had budding careers... Things went downhill around December of last year when I got laid off from what I thought was my dream job. I immediately got a new job, but it was lower-paying and had bad evening hours, and it was frankly somewhat humiliating for me. This took an effect on me and my wife and we became more distant for a few months... Things got better as we approached our June wedding date, but were never really the same. We were married in June and, despite the less than ideal circumstances, our wedding was one of the happiest days of my life.
> 
> Things went downhill again after the wedding though. From June to November I noticed a change in her personality. She needed more space, wanted more privacy, dressed skimpier and spent a ton of time at the gym, etc. etc. Sex was infrequent (Once a week or every other week) and of varying quality. I spoke up to her about this, but was told I was "pressuring" her.
> 
> Anyways, come November I get a call from my wife at work. She is obviously upset but won't tell me why, or why she's calling me at work (which is a rarity). Then about an hour after I get a call from best friends (nicknamed "BF") wife, who says that she found naked pictures of my wife on BF's phone. My wife calls back and is hesitant, but comes out with the truth - she sent BF a few naked pics. She says she wanted attention, someone to tell her she looks pretty, etc. I thank her for being honest and when I get home we start the process of talking it out. She is very, very insistent that she wants us all to be friends again one day. I tell her I want to work on us first, and then maybe work on repairing my friendship with BF down the road.
> 
> So yeah, I was a moron and in denial. And while I tried to live happily in denial, some little piece of me knew that this was bull. And later that week, I come in and I see her asleep, with her laptop still open and not password protected... and maybe it wasn't right but I went through it, and in the end I'm glad I did.
> 
> I found photos. Not just a couple, but many photos. And then videos. Videos of my wife using toys and moaning BF's name. And then I find a log of text messages generated from her phone, which is 700 pages since last July, of them talking about how good the sex was, and telling each other “I love you,” and detailing the various acts (most importantly, sex without condoms and internal ejaculation)... And I found the coupe de grace, a video of the two of them together. I will be haunted until the day I die by the sight of my wife gleefully having sex with my best friend, being totally powerless to stop it. At least if you catch them in the act they have the decency to stop it for you. Even now as I type these words my entire body is shivering, even in this heated room.
> 
> I confronted her. She began to deny, but finally realized she is caught. I damn near ruined my vocal chords screaming at her. I go off to my parent's house. I had to change my phone number because BF kept calling and texting trying to ask if we could still be friends. Reading what he had secretly said to my wife about me, he is obviously some sort of sociopath or something. He would talk with my wife about how good the sex was and how much he loves her, and then immediately talk about how much he is looking forward to hanging out with me. Frankly, the fact that such disturbed people exist frightens me to my core.
> 
> Later that week I finally muster up the strength to call her and begin talking about it. But she keeps trying to lie, because she "doesn't want to hurt me." She tells me it was only a couple times... No, I knew it was going on longer. She tells me she always used a condom... No. She tells me she never told him she loves him... Also false. But then she drops the mother of all bombs on me, something I didn't know: She was sleeping with him since March, even before our wedding. She even slept with him the week of the wedding, and the week we got back after the honeymoon. My world had come tumbling down around me. BF was someone who I honestly thought was a great guy, who was my best man and gave an amazing speech at my wedding, he was the guy who when I had pre-wedding jitters I confided in and he reassured me that we were perfect for each other (well after they had already starting having sex), and both my wife and BF, the two people I trusted most, had stabbed me in the back harder than I could ever imagine. She told me she had cut off all contact with BF and wanted me back, but I couldn't do it at the time.
> 
> At that time I'd hit rock bottom. It all came to a head when they finally delivered our wedding photos to her house that week. Apparently she looked through them and was overcome by guilt, and tried to kill herself. She gave me a phone call beforehand and I was able to contact the police in time. The whole thing was a reality check for me, I guess. I was so angry at her, but I really don't hate her deep down inside. The fact that I was worried sick about her even despite what had happened gives me hope that this can be fixed.
> 
> Anyways, that was a few weeks ago. I don't know what advice you guys can give me. We are going to marriage counseling and both seeing our own personal therapists, her because of the suicide attempt and to sort out how she could have done this, and me to sort out all the trauma and anger I feel. I feel sick when I think of our wedding, when I see my wedding ring, etc. It was all based on a lie. I am trying to learn to forgive her, but still nowhere near close to getting over the hate I hold for BF. I think the worst part is feeling like a victim. I was always taught to be a warrior and not a victim, but I don't really have a choice here. I never had a fighting chance against something like this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm insane for even trying this again. I was pretty much given the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card and rejected it.
> 
> I hope some of you have learned something from this, or gained some perspective, or maybe hope or something. I feel a little better being able to share this anonymously. Feel free to call me crazy, or stupid, or gullible, or whatever you would like. At this point I'm still figuring out just what the hell I am.



IMO, if you stay, you will regret it down the road. I also believe she is trying to guilt you in taking her back by that fake suicide attempt. My husbands ex wife, did the exact same thing. And I say FAKE, because someone who wants to kill herself just does it.
Stay strong!


----------



## rrrbbbttt

You say you are a "Warrior" but in reality you are a "Nice Guy". You feel you have done everything right, you treat people right, try to stay true to your word and expect others to do the same to you. This betrayal by your Wife and your supposedly BF has not really hit you yet. I believe in your mind you are saying " This should not have happened with the rules I have played by and there must be some way that I can fix this?" Sorry, WRONG.

When you scratch the surface of some people and reveal their inner self you find SELFISH, EGOCENTRIC individuals who will betray you at the drop of the hat because it feels good to them.

Think about this when you were preparing for the most important day of your life with your wife, when you professed true love for one another and to let no other come in your way your wife was doing "IT" with your Best Man and professing her love for him, verbally and physically.

You are now trying to erase that because you were a "Nice" guy and this does not happen to people who do the "Right " Thing. It is not going to happen.

You have found out what the inner person is of your wife and she will revert to that in times of stress in the future.

Do I think you can successfully R? No. The Betrayal is too much, you will be haunted by the images and the thoughts for the rest of your life. You will be never the one who turned the switch for your wife, it was the former BFF who got her to be the vamp., while you worked for a good marriage.

My advise, Walk away. You said it was 5 good years the rest of your life is not worth wasting for the 5 good years.


----------



## Kasler

Wow you're getting played BIG TIME. 

Suicide attempt was bogus, hence calling you. The ones who are truly serious about it, they don't say sh!t to anyone, they just get found somewhere after the deed is done.

Let me tell ya. 

Your marriage is a sham, since day 1. That by itself is reason to annul. You can still live together if you wish, but you need to cut the marriage immediately to protect yourself. 

I know you want to be the nice guy, my ex fiance has attempted suicide as well, twice. Unlike your spouse though she didn't call me at all. She just locked herself in the bathroom of her parent's house and did it. Thats real, she only lived by pure luck of her father having bad bowels and needing to use the bathroom irregularly. What your wife did was call you so she could be saved and have your nice guy trait kick in and bind you to her

I decided to visit myex, was a disaster for all around, and there was another attempt later in the coming weeks. 

Know what this made me realize. Not that I had to get back with her as that was never happening, but that she is a deeply broken person. 

Do you really want your wife and the mother of your children to think that suicide is the way out? hmm? Thats what you want to carry the burden of for the rest of your life? This is the easy years. Not 10 years later with bills out the wazoo, sex getting boring and you want to stay with a known cheater and emotional abusing suicider. 

I know you don't want to ignore it, but thats no reason to stay with her. 

This is gonna be vulgar but it needs to be said

Shes been manipulating you this whole time. For months, she has looked in your face and told you how much she loved you while bring home cream pies from OM for you to dip into. 

For months she and your BF have been around you carrying on, how many secretive smiles were passed behind your back? How many quick kisses or gropes when you went to the bathroom or kitchen to get drinks for everyone?

She even slept with him within the week you were married. 

She'd tell him how good he was and how much she loved him cumming inside her while she'd call herself by your last name(presumably). 

She is not remorseful for ANY OF IT. NONE!!! 

If she was this suicide was legit would've came a lot sooner, most likely before wedding day. 
Not when she was looking a marriage pictures directly AFTER you left. And she is not remorseful or 'coming clean' either. She didn't confess, she get outed and in her hysterics she revealed too much which is common.

I implore as a fellow man whose been there, get the hell outta Dodge.


----------



## BjornFree

I don't know what your father or mother or your pastor told you, but *It's okay to throw someone into the gutter when you know they're pieces of crusty doodoo*.

I'll tell you something else, twenty or so years from now, if you both do manage to stay together despite her numerous affairs, life is going to be a little boring. Most of marriage can be very boring and when you have do have a wife who isn't averse to opening her legs for other people, I can give it to you in writing that her most satisfying hobby will be to play the part of a cougar.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

I think you came here for some help to find out some excuses to forget, forgive and be with your guilty wife. The excuses you found were not going to be sufficient for you to stay. you are going to need more and more every day if you decide to stay with your wife.

But everyone in the site is saying opposite of what you wish to hear, because you got true and best replays from people who was/is in your shoes once or more.

Your marriage came to an end, you can prolong it for a while may be for few yrs but it is going to end in D. If you do it now you can leave without much baggage later you will have more baggage's which will do you more harm emotionally, physically and financially.

R needs constant support from your WS for yrs, may be five or long, will she do that for you? I don't believe that, because for that WS should be in true love and respect with BS. in your case your wife don't seems to be in that much love, respect or care. 

She is going to get irritated in few months when you ask her something related to A. She will blame you for putting her A on her face repeatedly, You will have to suck up your pain. She will blame you for not being man enough to get over her A.
For you R means life long pain and misery. Do you want your life to be like that or not? Choice is yours, its your life your choice.


----------



## Ovid

I'm pro marriage. Sorry, but you never had a marriage to save. You need out. This will only get worse if you stay.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Let’s see: She had no respect for you, no respect for the marriage (or marriage in general) and had she not got busted she would be having sex with your friend as we speak telling him how much she loves him and how much better at sex he is than you.

If you reconcile with her you have basically condoned her cheating on you. She is only thinking about herself, I doubt she ever loved you (you don’t screw other people the week of your wedding if you are in “love”).

This is never going away and considering her attitude towards marriage you will NEVER be able to trust she will stay faithful (since its not in her character). I know 5 years seems like a long time to you but it’s not. I have never heard anyone regret divorcing a cheater but I have heard people regret giving them a second chance.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Wait...... 

*Hope?!?*None. _ANY_ scenario that this turns out as anything other than massive dysfunction and incredible pain? No. *That's phucking rediculous*. No chance. 

I didn't read all the replies and but I hope more than one poster here slapped you upside the head with some reality. *Are you phucking kidding?!? *

Wake the phuck up. Here's your therapy plan... Knock your BF's teeth out, and kick that broken lemon you marrieds' a$$ to the curb. Hell, the curb might even have enough sense to run from her.

Sorry dude, Im not trying to insult you but this is sick.


----------



## Carlton

END THIS NOW!!!

NO MAS!!!

I think Pasty Cline said it best about her...Crazy.

If you are going to be a pu$$y about this, I am sure we will be seeing a lot more of you in the next few years.

You are young, cut those losses and find someone who REALLY loves you. For now you have no wife that loves you.


----------



## Soifon

TOOname said:


> She is very, very insistent that she wants us all to be friends again one day


This is after the first time she was caught. She has no intentions of ending things with him. She just wants to do whatever she can to keep you happy so that she can continue what she was doing. I wouldn't be surprised if she even threw this one back out again at a later time if you try to R.

So she gave you information you didn't have, so what? Partial truths are pretty classic for liars. They will tell you info that you don't know to regain your trust so that they can get away with future lies or keep the more incriminating stuff secret. It's also because a lie intertwined with truth can be pulled off in a more convincing way. Don't believe her, only believe what you find out on your own and assume more than she tells you.


----------



## Vanguard

She will continue cheating on you until you leave her. She let your friend stuff her and you're showing her she can do that and still be with you. _That makes you a beta cuckold_ and she may even get off on that kind of thing-- she can have her fun and you'll still be working hard for her. 

Is that what you want?

Divorce this wh0re now. There is nothing for you to think about.


----------



## Shaggy

You say since discovery that she's been honest with you - How can you say that ? You said yourself that that she lied and denied even after you had seen the videos, the naked pictures, etc.

She lied through her teeth and denied and denied even when you had evidence.

The suicide attempt IS blackmail pure and simple. If she really was going to kill herself because she could not live with what she had done, she wouldn't have called you. She call 1- to guilt you into feeling bad that she was doing it 2- to let you know so you could come rescue her.

There's cheating and then there's cheating. What your exBF and you deserves to be exWife did was sick and cruel. 

He betrayed you and even then thought your should still be buddies. He took your bride before and after you wedding - I'm guessing even in your bed. 

I can't help but bet that they found some way to make sure he took her at the wedding so that he got to mark the new bride before you did even.

The heinous way in which they cheated, they talked about you, and then FILMED it so they could relive the moments over and over shows that any claimed remorse or guilt on her part is totally false. 

If she had any love for you she would not have done it. She certainly wouldn't have filmed it, and she certainly would not have archived it so she could revisit her good times over and over.

Let me bet - she opened herself eargerly to doing many sexual things with him that she even now would refuse you without a though. To him nothing was denied - in fact she wanted it recorded because of how proud she was to be his.

For you, sex was horrible chore that made her feel used and awful.

Even if you did take her back, you'd be facing a life time knowing the exBF got anything he wanted, while you lived a life of duty sex.

My advice -

1. Escape the blackmail she is holding over you about killing herself. That's her choice to do or not do. She's getting IC so let him deal with it.

2. Annul or divorce but get the heck out now. The memories of those videos and your lovely bride staring in them will never go away.

3.. See about suing you wife and the exBF for the entire cost the wedding and honeymoon. They both conspired to deceive you into marrying her. She gave a completely false vow - right from the start. You're marriage has been a fraud the entire time, committed by the two of them. The cost of the wedding and honeymoon are clear damages you have suffered and you should sue them both for them.


----------



## Ovid

The fact that she still wants the three of you to continue being "friends" is particularly disgusting. It really demonstrates her true intentions.


----------



## oncehisangel

too..your journey was very painful to read. My heart breaks for you.

The cruelty and immorality of some people still stuns many of us.

There are no answers..sometimes people just suck. 

I have a similar situation-I know best friends are like family. Its a double betrayal. My other half of fifteen years had an affair with my brothers wife.

The only thing I can encourage is that you look after you...you will get stronger and sometimes you will fall on your butt...but ask yourself this,

What do you deserve?



Im sure many here wish you well.


----------



## theroad

Pretty much everything has been said that can be said on why this marriage must end. Nothing has been said to justify recovering this marriage.

You only found out because your WW was caught.

You are lucky that OM did not knock up your WW and give you the gift of an OC.

WW's never wear condoms with their OM. Don't believe this ask her. WW will lie. Then tell her you are scheduling a polygraph test to confirm what she said is the truth or not about wearing protection and to find out if she has told you all of the truth.

You I assume are young, no financial entanglements, no kids, not married even one year, no 20 years of married history. Get an Annulement and move on.

Why is this the best course for you to take.

I have been on infidelity boards for years.

You may ask so what.

The so what is I have seen too many stories as yours.

How much is too many stories?

Enough to say that your story is heard often. Often enough to be called a very common story.

How do these common stories end you may ask.

They sometimes start where the BH finds out within the first year of marriage that their WW cheated, and usually cheated before the wedding and finds a place as TAM, or they don't. Either way the BH stays married.

What happens then 5 or 10 years later, more less, not important, the BH has another dday. More affairs, more OM, STD's, OC's, and why did this happen to me laments the BH.

It happened because they left Dodge City and head for the hills leaving his WW behind in the dust.

The die has been cast. Your WW is broken. Do not let her break you any more.

I support recovery. I have helped WS and BS. But not for you. Your case is terminal.

It was unfortunate for you to see all the evidence that you saw including the video.

It is unfortunate that you refuse to give the OMW copies of all the evidence. Without this evidence the OM is lying to his BW. Minimizing what was done. This poor BW needs you to man up and provide her with all of the truth.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

TOOName, you're getting some of the best advice that money can buy. Most of us have been in your position EXCEPT we didn't witness our cheating spouses in the act and telling the affair partner how good the sex was and how much they loved him or her. YOU DID! And believe me, this is something that you're never going to get over.

Another long time poster, Morituri, found videos of his wife and OM having sex and HAD to divorce her for his own sanity. She too tried to kill herself (which I think was a legitimate attempt) but he still let her go.

You're at the stage where you're trying to save your marriage. Unfortunately, there's nothing to save. I really hope that you come back and read all of the posts, which unanimously are saying that you have to divorce your wife (and I use that term loosely.)

We're all diverse strangers in cyberspace and yet we're universally telling you the same thing. Think about it. Can we all really be wrong? Are we all lying to you? Remember, it's damn near impossible to get everyone to tell the same lie.


----------



## VFW

Let me save you some time in your life, this won't work. She may be sorry in the short run, but she will not remain faithful. Her total disregard for you this early in the relationship is amazing. You were plan B all along. He was plan A even before the wedding. She may have lost respect for you over the job issue, but then she really could not have respected you much, if she turned that quick. How could you ever trust her with your friends, knowing that she would have no problem being unfaithful with them? Please consult an attorney and get this taken care of now.

As for the suicide, she was PROBABLY not serious, but never take a chance with this. You did the proper thing in getting the authorities involved, call her parents and get them involved as well. Let them know they need to take care of her now. Time and distance will solve the rest. Tomorrow is another day.


----------



## donny64

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.


Those were the best 5 years of your life because you were clueless to what she was doing behind your back the entire time. Would they have been anything but pure hell had you known?

It will be even harder to walk away from in another 5 years after you've had children with this s!ut, and you're on the hook for alimony, child support, etc.

She didn't try to kill herself. She tried to guilt trip you. People that try to kill themselves succeed in large measure. And they don't call someone first from a known location. Think about it...if YOU wanted to kill yourself, would you call your wife from home and say "I'm going to kill myself"? Bullchit. If she wanted to do it, she'd be dead.

She's a manipulative, cheating piece of garbage. Sorry for the harsh words against your loved one, but you need to hear it.

Only the lowest of the low sleep with their mates family or friends. Divorce now. It will hurt now, but in a few years when you've found someone truly great and settle down, you'll be ecstatic every day that you dumped this chick before you got in too damn deep. You found out early before you invested years upon years and while you were young. Count yourself lucky you found out now.


----------



## Thundarr

RandomDude said:


> And about her emotional blackmail? Sorry but that in particular was a real b-tch move and unrepentant at all. What does she say to that?
> 
> What else has she done so far either than coming clean only after being caught?
> 
> 
> 
> Well at least expose him! Or hire folk like me, that's how I made my living for 6 years heh
> 
> Don't tell me he's getting away with all of this!


Being exposed is the only way many of cheater have any consequences. For that matter, someone exposed to family, friends, church, etc, and embarrassed will be less likely to repeat so you may actually protect someone in the process.


----------



## edubs

TOOname said:


> I understand your feelings, but she has been honest with me since I found out. She is likely mentally screwed, but she is honestly feeling guilty. She did a terrible thing to me and she knows it.
> 
> But reading all this advice, I am seriously considering calling it off. I'm going to at least give counseling a shot - after all, the worst that happens in counseling is we get divorced anyways - but I'm not holding my breath.
> 
> I wish her no pain though, don't really care to run a smear campaign against her like some people might suggest. Her suffering does me zero good.
> 
> Edit: Since some people seem to think there's more she's hiding, please keep in mind that it's possible but she eventually came out with details that I didn't know to ask for, so it's unlikely she hid anything more. I think once she came out with all the info she was finally being honest. Obviously I can never be 100% sure.


First, i'm sorry you had to see what you saw. Truly heartbreaking to read your post. Something that has helped me a lot through the first few weeks of hurt when all you can do is cry is to go back and re-read your posts. You are in emotional shock right now and you are trying to get advice/help on what to do. For me, I was able to figure it out for myself based on what I had written. Granted, some of it was in tears, some of it was in anger, some of it was in drunken tears and anger. You will know deep down what the right choice for you is. Only you can make that choice. 

My 2 cents:
You should fully expose to the OMW - The only reason I found out my wife was having an A was because I received a call from OMW. I am infinitely grateful for that call. It was the best thing a human being has done for me in a long time. Please,Please tell his W. She deserves to know what her husband is doing. I was provided with a call with no evidence to back it up and it is still eating at me to this day. At a minimum, give her something. Read the emails, send some pictures - Not just a phone conversation.

Also, protect yourself! Make a copy of all the incriminating data and store it in a secure location.


----------



## Thundarr

Ovid said:


> The fact that she still wants the three of you to continue being "friends" is particularly disgusting. It really demonstrates her true intentions.


Well it demonstrates that she has no character or morals. That she feels entitled to whatever she can have be dammed with your feelings or anyone elses. 

I find people with this much disregard for others to be scary and dangerous. Imagine a custody battle or if cashing in your insurance would fix all of her problems. She's demonstrating the character traits we see in psychopaths.


----------



## canttrustu

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. *It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> 
> Its never easy yet sometimes necessary.[/B]COLOR][/COLOR]


----------



## LetDownNTX

Just wondering...did she ever make videos of herself masturbating and send them to you, while she said YOUR name?

I hate to see you hurting but if you dont run while you have the chance you're only setting yourself up for alot more hurt! Many of us here dont run when we know we should because we have kids and years and years with our WS. You have so much life to give to someone that would appreciate you and love you! 

Your bf...yeah he's a loser, you dont do that to your bf!


----------



## richie33

That ex best friend really has some serious bad karma coming to him. To be at your wedding as your best man, saying a speech how how happy he was for you, all the while sleeping with your wife. He is the lowest of low. I don't know who I would want to OJ first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NaturalHeart

TOOname said:


> This is a difficult story for me to tell. Just thinking about typing this makes me nauseous. It's a little detailed; I apologize if any of the language is vulgar, but it's important to my memory of it.
> 
> So it all starts with me and my happily engaged fiancee, who I'd been with for five years. We both had budding careers... Things went downhill around December of last year when I got laid off from what I thought was my dream job. I immediately got a new job, but it was lower-paying and had bad evening hours, and it was frankly somewhat humiliating for me. This took an effect on me and my wife and we became more distant for a few months... Things got better as we approached our June wedding date, but were never really the same. We were married in June and, despite the less than ideal circumstances, our wedding was one of the happiest days of my life.
> 
> Things went downhill again after the wedding though. From June to November I noticed a change in her personality. She needed more space, wanted more privacy, dressed skimpier and spent a ton of time at the gym, etc. etc. Sex was infrequent (Once a week or every other week) and of varying quality. I spoke up to her about this, but was told I was "pressuring" her.
> 
> Anyways, come November I get a call from my wife at work. She is obviously upset but won't tell me why, or why she's calling me at work (which is a rarity). Then about an hour after I get a call from best friends (nicknamed "BF") wife, who says that she found naked pictures of my wife on BF's phone. My wife calls back and is hesitant, but comes out with the truth - she sent BF a few naked pics. She says she wanted attention, someone to tell her she looks pretty, etc. I thank her for being honest and when I get home we start the process of talking it out. She is very, very insistent that she wants us all to be friends again one day. I tell her I want to work on us first, and then maybe work on repairing my friendship with BF down the road.
> 
> So yeah, I was a moron and in denial. And while I tried to live happily in denial, some little piece of me knew that this was bull. And later that week, I come in and I see her asleep, with her laptop still open and not password protected... and maybe it wasn't right but I went through it, and in the end I'm glad I did.
> 
> I found photos. Not just a couple, but many photos. And then videos. Videos of my wife using toys and moaning BF's name. And then I find a log of text messages generated from her phone, which is 700 pages since last July, of them talking about how good the sex was, and telling each other “I love you,” and detailing the various acts (most importantly, sex without condoms and internal ejaculation)... And I found the coupe de grace, a video of the two of them together. I will be haunted until the day I die by the sight of my wife gleefully having sex with my best friend, being totally powerless to stop it. At least if you catch them in the act they have the decency to stop it for you. Even now as I type these words my entire body is shivering, even in this heated room.
> 
> I confronted her. She began to deny, but finally realized she is caught. I damn near ruined my vocal chords screaming at her. I go off to my parent's house. I had to change my phone number because BF kept calling and texting trying to ask if we could still be friends. Reading what he had secretly said to my wife about me, he is obviously some sort of sociopath or something. He would talk with my wife about how good the sex was and how much he loves her, and then immediately talk about how much he is looking forward to hanging out with me. Frankly, the fact that such disturbed people exist frightens me to my core.
> 
> Later that week I finally muster up the strength to call her and begin talking about it. But she keeps trying to lie, because she "doesn't want to hurt me." She tells me it was only a couple times... No, I knew it was going on longer. She tells me she always used a condom... No. She tells me she never told him she loves him... Also false. But then she drops the mother of all bombs on me, something I didn't know: She was sleeping with him since March, even before our wedding. She even slept with him the week of the wedding, and the week we got back after the honeymoon. My world had come tumbling down around me. BF was someone who I honestly thought was a great guy, who was my best man and gave an amazing speech at my wedding, he was the guy who when I had pre-wedding jitters I confided in and he reassured me that we were perfect for each other (well after they had already starting having sex), and both my wife and BF, the two people I trusted most, had stabbed me in the back harder than I could ever imagine. She told me she had cut off all contact with BF and wanted me back, but I couldn't do it at the time.
> 
> At that time I'd hit rock bottom. It all came to a head when they finally delivered our wedding photos to her house that week. Apparently she looked through them and was overcome by guilt, and tried to kill herself. She gave me a phone call beforehand and I was able to contact the police in time. The whole thing was a reality check for me, I guess. I was so angry at her, but I really don't hate her deep down inside. The fact that I was worried sick about her even despite what had happened gives me hope that this can be fixed.
> 
> Anyways, that was a few weeks ago. I don't know what advice you guys can give me. We are going to marriage counseling and both seeing our own personal therapists, her because of the suicide attempt and to sort out how she could have done this, and me to sort out all the trauma and anger I feel. I feel sick when I think of our wedding, when I see my wedding ring, etc. It was all based on a lie. I am trying to learn to forgive her, but still nowhere near close to getting over the hate I hold for BF. I think the worst part is feeling like a victim. I was always taught to be a warrior and not a victim, but I don't really have a choice here. I never had a fighting chance against something like this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm insane for even trying this again. I was pretty much given the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card and rejected it.
> 
> I hope some of you have learned something from this, or gained some perspective, or maybe hope or something. I feel a little better being able to share this anonymously. Feel free to call me crazy, or stupid, or gullible, or whatever you would like. At this point I'm still figuring out just what the hell I am.



Boyfriend's name


----------



## kenmoore14217

2name, the ship is sinking, you're in the life boat with the vest on however you're still wondering if they will be playing shuffleboard today!! It's over


----------



## Tall Average Guy

TOOname said:


> Huh? She pretty voluntarily offered up that it was going back to nine months ago, which is info I didn't have or even think about. I honestly doubt that her and BF were having an affair before then.


This does not become true just by you continually saying it. Remember that when you first confronted her, she outright lied to you. She did not volunteer anything. You accepted it initially, then started digging. You cofronted her with a bunch of new proof, and she againt ried to lie. Only when she realized that you knew did just tell the truth.

You keep defending how truthful she is when the facts clearly demonstrate that to be false. I know you want to believe that she wasn't a monster your entire relationship, but at this point there is precious little evidence to support it. You cannot take her word any more.


----------



## the guy

What made your wife like this?

I mean did daddy touch her?

I'm all for working the marriage out but until you find out *who* you are working it out *with* then it might be time to step back and regroup. Find your self and get your self back on solid ground before continuing this marriage.

I think this marriage is dead, and you and your chick need to find your selfs as individuals before you can be together as one. So please step back and give your self some time before you make any dicision to stay together....the both of you have alot of work to do as individuals.

Death is always hard and the grieving process can last awhile but with time things do get better and the mind clears up and you can start to think alot clearer. Just like in any death we mourn our loved one, but we move on and live life to the fullest....and yes this is a death of a marriage!

Please take the time to reevaluate your path in life as an individual not as a married man...at least not with the current women and her current mind set.

Marriage is hard enough when both partners are emotionally healthy, now throw into the mix an emotionaly disturbed person and the marriage can down right be torturous for both spouses!


----------



## TOOname

Thanks for all the advice.

First, the good:
To everyone who gave sound, level-headed advice, thank you so much. I obviously have to tread lightly. After sleeping on it I have decided that I am just going to forget about having my mind made up one way or another and go into both counseling and therapy ready for anything. It is quite likely we will not come out of counseling as a couple and it is quite likely that this is for the best.

The more I think about it the more I feel that something is just damaged with her. In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior. I think there is something very wrong with her that needs fixing before she can think about having a healthy relationship with anyone. If she manages to fix it then maybe we can consider patching things up, but until then she is damaged goods and it's just going to be worse for me if I stay and fix it.

I will bring all the sentiments here up in counseling and basically state to the counselor that I don't know how this can be saved or even why it should be. She knows more about us personally and can maybe answer some of those questions. At the least it should give us a healthy way to end the relationship, rather than it ending in further trauma.

It's not like I'm about to go hit the club soon anyways. I need some time to try and be myself again before I can even think of being with anyone else.



Now the bad:
For the people saying she manipulated me with the suicide attempt, yeah, quite possibly true. I am still adamant that you do not ignore suicide attempts, however. That is the first thing you learn about dealing with potentially suicidal people.

To the people saying that I should post everything online and beat the **** out of BF... No. That does not make me feel an ounce better at the end of the day. It is also highly likely to get me in legal trouble.

To the people calling me beta, cuckold, trying to shame me into making a certain decision etc... That is not the kind of advice I need. You know nothing about me other than this post. If you came here to call me names then screw off.


----------



## keko

Sorry to be blunt but do you not have any self respect? Is this what you deserve or do you deserve so much better then this sham of a marriage/relationship/or whatever it can be called?


----------



## the guy

You need to read bff's thead, that dude is one positve mofo.

Long but i think you could relate to his thread about his old lady and BF


----------



## bouillon

Tooname, the fact that you are even considering reconciling with your wife shows that you have a lot of love for her. It is also possible that you have some heightened ability for forgiveness. As you can see, your situation would lead many people to count their losses and move on. If you decide to try and work it out then I truly wish the best of luck...

With your level of involvement, being right in the middle of things, and ability to forgive it would be good to seriously consider outside perspectives. The most important thing I think you need to take from this is that despite the length of your relationship prior to. Your S/O decided to have sex with a close friend of yours in and around the time of your WEDDING. Even if we disregard the fact that her commitment to you began when she agreed to see you exclusively as girlfriend, or was amplified by her agreeing to marry you, the level of disrespect for you and disregard for the relationship is incredible. I can only assume that your bf was involved or at least present at the wedding. When your wife was expressing her vows of eternal commitment and love to you she was considering (and went through with) continuing an intimate relationship with your best friend. 

Again, the amount of disrespect and callousness that it takes to allow your yourself to think that that is even remotely O.K. is incredible. If you agree to try and "fix" this the message you are sending is that she can get away with stuff like this further down the line. Maybe not 1 or 2 years maybe not 10, but in the back of her mind she just got away with the ultimate sin in a relationship and precisely at a time when there is no excuse for it to happen and you STILL considered taking her back...

Good luck bro.


----------



## SadSamIAm

TOOname said:


> In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior.


How do you know this? 

My guess is that it is the opposite. That you never really knew her.

It is a very difficult thing to do. When you so deeply love someone. But you have to realize that the person you loved, didn't exist. The person you loved, would never have done these things to you.

I think you should do some Individual Counseling. Your wife as well. Don't waste money on Marriage Counseling for quite some time if ever.


----------



## Memento

TOOname said:


> Thanks for all the advice.
> 
> First, the good:
> To everyone who gave sound, level-headed advice, thank you so much. I obviously have to tread lightly. After sleeping on it I have decided that I am just going to forget about having my mind made up one way or another and go into both counseling and therapy ready for anything. It is quite likely we will not come out of counseling as a couple and it is quite likely that this is for the best.
> 
> The more I think about it the more I feel that something is just damaged with her. In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior. I think there is something very wrong with her that needs fixing before she can think about having a healthy relationship with anyone. If she manages to fix it then maybe we can consider patching things up, but until then she is damaged goods and it's just going to be worse for me if I stay and fix it.
> 
> I will bring all the sentiments here up in counseling and basically state to the counselor that I don't know how this can be saved or even why it should be. She knows more about us personally and can maybe answer some of those questions. At the least it should give us a healthy way to end the relationship, rather than it ending in further trauma.
> 
> It's not like I'm about to go hit the club soon anyways. I need some time to try and be myself again before I can even think of being with anyone else.
> 
> 
> 
> Now the bad:
> For the people saying she manipulated me with the suicide attempt, yeah, quite possibly true. I am still adamant that you do not ignore suicide attempts, however. That is the first thing you learn about dealing with potentially suicidal people.
> 
> To the people saying that I should post everything online and beat the **** out of BF... No. That does not make me feel an ounce better at the end of the day. It is also highly likely to get me in legal trouble.
> 
> To the people calling me beta, cuckold, trying to shame me into making a certain decision etc... That is not the kind of advice I need. You know nothing about me other than this post. If you came here to call me names then screw off.


If you want validation for going back to someone who cheated on you before and after you got married, with your best friend, you came to the wrong place. 

However I do not agree with the name calling, nor beating up anyone, nor exposing people online. Two wrongs don't make one right.


----------



## LetDownNTX

TOOname said:


> Thanks for all the advice.
> 
> First, the good:
> To everyone who gave sound, level-headed advice, thank you so much. I obviously have to tread lightly. After sleeping on it I have decided that I am just going to forget about having my mind made up one way or another and go into both counseling and therapy ready for anything. It is quite likely we will not come out of counseling as a couple and it is quite likely that this is for the best.
> 
> The more I think about it the more I feel that something is just damaged with her. In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior. I think there is something very wrong with her that needs fixing before she can think about having a healthy relationship with anyone. If she manages to fix it then maybe we can consider patching things up, but until then she is damaged goods and it's just going to be worse for me if I stay and fix it.
> 
> I will bring all the sentiments here up in counseling and basically state to the counselor that I don't know how this can be saved or even why it should be. She knows more about us personally and can maybe answer some of those questions. At the least it should give us a healthy way to end the relationship, rather than it ending in further trauma.
> 
> It's not like I'm about to go hit the club soon anyways. I need some time to try and be myself again before I can even think of being with anyone else.
> 
> 
> 
> Now the bad:
> For the people saying she manipulated me with the suicide attempt, yeah, quite possibly true. I am still adamant that you do not ignore suicide attempts, however. That is the first thing you learn about dealing with potentially suicidal people.
> 
> To the people saying that I should post everything online and beat the **** out of BF... No. That does not make me feel an ounce better at the end of the day. It is also highly likely to get me in legal trouble.
> 
> To the people calling me beta, cuckold, trying to shame me into making a certain decision etc... That is not the kind of advice I need. You know nothing about me other than this post. If you came here to call me names then screw off.


I think you need to go in with an open mind and be prepared for everything but also think long and hard before you make a final decision to stay.

People here tell it like they see it and there are MANY here that only want you to see what they see. Its like a chess game. When you're on the outside looking in you can see every move thats possible and what is the best move. When you're actually playing the game you likely arent seeing the best move.

Everyone yells divorce right off from the beginning because, whether you chose to finalize it or not, taking the time to go and file and show your WS that you're serious makes a HUGE statement. It shows them that you're not willing to just take any old **** or bull**** story and believe what they are saying. Its an eyeopener to the WS and shows them what they have to lose in most cases. At that point your WS would either open her eyes and jump through hurdles to make things right again or you realize she's not really worth it!

Good luck!


----------



## walkonmars

TooName
Right after the honeymoon you noticed things were not right with her. You offered her your best. She bettered herself by going to the gym, buying provocative clothes - what did you get from this? 
-Infrequent and so-so sex
- accusations of 'pressure'
-lies. Lots and lots of lies. 

What did your best friend get? 
EVERYTHING. 
-All her best on a regular basis
-Her toned up body
- her sexy dress
- her heartfelt moans
- her real vows - said in earnest
- a video (which in time could make its way to the internet - who knows who else has a copy?). 

How many days of a faithful marriage did you have? NONE - not one hour, not one minute. It's been a joke, one they both enjoyed at your expense. To this very day she's manipulating you into being her knight in shining armor because she knows you. She knows that's your weakness. You're a nice guy - you won't 'hurt' her. 

Fine, you don't have to hate her. You don't have to be cruel - she's done enough of that for both of you. You should respect yourself. Get a better job, get a better woman - a better life will follow.


----------



## TOOname

keko said:


> Sorry to be blunt but do you not have any self respect? Is this what you deserve or do you deserve so much better then this sham of a marriage/relationship/or whatever it can be called?





bouillon said:


> Again, the amount of disrespect and callousness that it takes to allow your yourself to think that that is even remotely O.K. is incredible. If you agree to try and "fix" this the message you are sending is that she can get away with stuff like this further down the line. Maybe not 1 or 2 years maybe not 10, but in the back of her mind she just got away with the ultimate sin in a relationship and precisely at a time when there is no excuse for it to happen and you STILL considered taking her back...
> 
> Good luck bro.


Both of you touched on something that I think is important, in that we can never have our "old relationship" before she did this to me back. If we ever do more forward as anything together, it has to be a totally new relationship. Just going back to square one and redefining all our rules, trying to spend some time together where we are normal and not a trainwreck, and going from there.

Keko, I have a lot of self respect. I do deserve better. This doesn't mean I'm going to immediately cut and run though.

Bouillon, thanks for your post. It struck a chord with me. Just believe me that she isn't going to "get away" with it. I think people in this thread assume that if I forgive her we're talking total absolution and going back to pretending that this never happened, and that definitely wouldn't be the case.


----------



## keko

TOOname said:


> Keko, I have a lot of self respect. I do deserve better. This doesn't mean I'm going to immediately cut and run though.


Actually it does mean that, and only that.


----------



## Numbersixxx

TOOname said:


> To the people calling me beta, cuckold, trying to shame me into making a certain decision etc... That is not the kind of advice I need. You know nothing about me other than this post. If you came here to call me names then screw off.


You are not a cuckold, but you are definitely beta. I don't meant it as an insult, just a statement of facts.


----------



## the guy

It sound like you can go work on your self and she can go work on her self and down the road you guys can be healthier poeple as individuals.

I think alot of distance between the two of you would do both of you some good so that each of you can focus on healing as individuals and not as a couple.

This tactic will give you a chance to stand back and take witness to the actions your wife does in fixing her self for her self and not for you.

Poeple need to work on them selves...not for others but for them selve in being a emotionaly healthier person.

Standing back and distancing your self from your wife will be alot healthier then being with her, cuz if she doesn't take the action needed to repair her self it will onlt lead to more pain for you. This way if she continues this unhealthy behavior you will be far enough away to get hurt again, but is if she does the heavy lifting to learn the tools to have a healthy emotional life you can readress the relationship.

In short why risk getting hurt again when you can stand back and see if she truelly wants to be a better person or not?


----------



## alte Dame

My heart hurts reading through this.

Nobody here can tell you what to do. You're going to do what you're going to do.

I think, though, that you are looking at a very sad, broken life ahead of you if you stay with your W. She is broken herself & she will break you. Even with therapy. Even if she successfully confronts her demons.

What she has done constitutes true pathology. (Won't even get started on the bf.) This is true pathology.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Since you are going forward:

1. Get tested for STDs.
2. Have her take a Polygraph, might as well know everything.


----------



## bouillon

TOOname said:


> Bouillon, thanks for your post. It struck a chord with me. Just believe me that *she isn't going to "get away" with it*. I think people in this thread assume that if I forgive her we're talking total absolution and going back to pretending that this never happened, and that definitely wouldn't be the case.


I'm not trying to be insensitive here but I feel we operate from a different perspective. You don't have to accept mine but I don't think you understood my post. I said all that to say she is essentially getting away with the affair because you are allowing the relationship to continue. I know it is nice to think that some degree of restructuring or blowing-up of the relationship can create something new. The truth is that in her mind your level of love for her is so great that although what she did is incredibly f'd up, you love her enough to take her back.

Don't get me wrong, it can happen. Maybe she was going through something and is remorseful and won't do this kind of thing again. I personally couldn't chance it though, too close to the wedding for comfort. IMO the only way she learns is if you end the relationship and she starts over with someone else.


----------



## weightlifter

How old are you and the wife?


----------



## The Middleman

TOOname said:


> Now the bad:
> For the people saying she manipulated me with the suicide attempt, yeah, quite possibly true. I am still adamant that you do not ignore suicide attempts, however. That is the first thing you learn about dealing with potentially suicidal people.
> 
> To the people saying that I should post everything online and beat the **** out of BF... No. That does not make me feel an ounce better at the end of the day. It is also highly likely to get me in legal trouble.
> 
> To the people calling me beta, cuckold, trying to shame me into making a certain decision etc... That is not the kind of advice I need. You know nothing about me other than this post. If you came here to call me names then screw off.


It's not my intent to be insulting, so let's just call it tough love. Just by your reaction to what she did to you, it's easy for me to see why this happened to you and why she and BF thought nothing of having a torrid sex affair right under your nose. They did it because deep down inside they knew they were going to get away with it without any real consequences ... and it appears they are right. I'm sure somewhere in their minds they were thinking "If TOOname finds out about this, he isn't really going to do anything". My friend your too nice a guy for your own good. 

Good luck to you, you're going to need it. I'm gone.


----------



## Chaparral

After the dust settles, beware. There is a eason she could do this to you. At the very least you should look into annulment now a s there is usually only a certain period of time that it is allowed. There is a great money saving in annulment.

I can only think of one thing worse than your situation and that would be an affair wioth your closest relative, Unfortunately, if there were Oscars for cheating, those two would be runaway winners.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

TOOname said:


> Keko, I have a lot of self respect. I do deserve better. This doesn't mean I'm going to immediately cut and run though.


What exactly would you be cutting and running from? A marriage with vows that she never intended to keep and violated the week she got back from the honeymoon. Most places would allow an annulment.

Honest question - why is it your job to fix this?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

The Middleman said:


> It's not my intent to be insulting, so let's just call it tough love. Just by your reaction to what she did to you, it's easy for me to see why this happened to you and why she and BF thought nothing of having a torrid sex affair right under your nose. They did it because deep down inside they knew they were going to get away with it without any real consequences ... and it appears they are right. I'm sure somewhere in their minds they were thinking "If TOOname finds out about this, he isn't really going to do anything". My friend your too nice a guy for your own good.
> 
> Good luck to you, you're going to need it. I'm gone.


:iagree:

It took me almost half a century to learn but NICE GUYS DO FINISH LAST!

I'm out also.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

This is not going to be popular, but Im going to be straight out with you.... Im not trying to be rude, or insulting. It's just the truth.

Your wife, she's 'low hanging fruit'. 

Im a reformed predatory guy, women like _yours_ are an incredibly easy 'mark'. Don't have any doubt, or question. She puts off signals and predatory alpha men sense that weakness, and come sniffing around. She eats that attention up. I don't give a sh*t how hard she tries to be a 'good girl', She's broken. She won't even be a challenge for some of us. 

Keep in mind... Next time, she won't slip up so 'close to home' or make the same mistakes. She will get better and better at what she does. She was doing it through your engagement and 'honeymoon' period with your best man!. She's a natural. Wait till she gets bored in a few years and she's in her 'prime'. 

Guys like I described laugh at guys like you. They dont have any reservations about teaching her how to get away with_ being herself._ As long as she serves a purpose. 

Don't be _that guy_, taking care of the kids and 'honey do' list while other men turn your women out. Don't fool yourself. It's very simple man, she's broken. This is her nature.

Again.. No offense intended. Just a fair warning. I'm out too.


----------



## MaritimeGuy

I too agree there is no chance of this marriage being saved. You're never going to be able to look at her without the video of her with your best friend running through your head.

However I don't think you're doing the wrong thing by going for counselling. A decent counsellor will help give you perspective. It may help give you closure.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

The Middleman said:


> It's not my intent to be insulting, so let's just call it tough love. Just by your reaction to what she did to you, it's easy for me to see why this happened to you and why she and BF thought nothing of having a torrid sex affair right under your nose. They did it because deep down inside they knew they were going to get away with it without any real consequences ... and it appears they are right. I'm sure somewhere in their minds they were thinking "If TOOname finds out about this, he isn't really going to do anything". My friend your too nice a guy for your own good.
> 
> Good luck to you, you're going to need it. I'm gone.


:iagree:


----------



## walkonmars

At the very least consult a lawyer. Know your rights, responsibilities, and ramifications of continuing to move forward with joint counseling. It could come back to bite you at a later time. 

Here's a quick and dirty view of annulment (wiki - NY)



> The cause of action for annulment in New York State is generally fraud (DRL §140 (e)). There are other arguments; see the Statute.
> 
> Fraud generally means _*the intentional deception of the Plaintiff by the Defendant in order to induce the Plaintiff to marry.*_ The misrepresentation must be substantial in nature, and the Plaintiff's consent to the marriage predicated on the Defendant’s statement. The perpetration of the fraud (prior to the marriage), and the discovery of the fraud (subsequent to the marriage) must be proven by corroboration of a witness or other external proof, even if the Defendant admits guilt (DRL §144). The time limit is three years (not one year). _This does not run from the date of the marriage, but the date the fraud was discovered, or could reasonably have been discovered._


Other states clearly give a single window. Once deception is discovered and accepted - tacitly or overtly all bets are off. Protect yourself.


----------



## theroad

TOOname said:


> Just believe me that she isn't going to "get away" with it. I think people in this thread assume that if I forgive her we're talking total absolution and going back to pretending that this never happened, and that definitely wouldn't be the case.



Are you going to do the right thing by the OMW and give her copies of the evidence.

To expose the OMW then leave her hanging without sharing the proof is being very cruel the OMW. Her only crime is she married the OM.


----------



## WyshIknew

theroad said:


> Are you going to do the right thing by the OMW and give her copies of the evidence.
> 
> To expose the OMW then leave her hanging without sharing the proof is being very cruel the OMW. Her only crime is she married the OM.


I thought from the thread that OMW initially informed OP of affair?

Of course she may not be aware of the full extent of the affair.


----------



## old_soldier

TOOname said:


> There is a part of me that totally understands where all this is coming from... but there's also a part of me that remembers that I had the five best years of my life with her.
> 
> It just hurts because we were happily engaged once upon a time. It's not going to be that easy to walk away from that.


No you weren't. You thought you were, you just did not know the level of deceit that she was capable of, or that you were being betrayed.

The suicide thing is manipulation of the highest order. She wants you to feel guilty for the consequences you impose on her for her betrayal. Do not fall for that. What she did is all her own fault. The fact you took a lesser job on a less than ideal work shift for you is a fact of life in today's job market. We all have to make sacrifices to survive these days, that is just the way it is.

Yo have got to realize BF is *not your friend*. He is a Buddy Forking, backstabbing DIRTBAG. A coward, a man without integrity, without honour, untrustworthy, and the sooner you cut him out of your life completly, the better for you.

One thing I tell the people that work for me "when you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences". Your wife is not worthy of you or your of your love. She is a cruel, cold heartless woman. Cut your losses and move on. Yoyu can survive without her.


----------



## LetDownNTX

WyshIknew said:


> I thought from the thread that OMW initially informed OP of affair?
> 
> Of course she may not be aware of the full extent of the affair.


The OMW found the naked pics on her WH's phone.

OP found the motherload on her laptop.


----------



## the guy

It was my understanding OMW was in strong deniel and didn't want to see the evendence OP found on the laptop &cell.


----------



## WyshIknew

the guy said:


> It was my understanding OMW was in strong deniel and didn't want to see the evendence OP found on the laptop &cell.


No, OP felt uncomfortable giving them to OMW:scratchhead:


----------



## warlock07

In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior.


How many times did you check her mail before this? How many times did you verify anything she did before this?


----------



## Doc Who

Too,

Gently, you need to find some way to give yourself some time to think. Your wife has played you perfectly. And yes, you know it, but you do not want to know it. You WANT to have things back to when you thought you were happy. Well sir, you are not going to get it. And you need to face that sooner than later.

Look, I know she gave you what you thought were five great years. But as with any purchase, that is sunk. She gave herself to another man, willingly, and your marriage is 100% false. She manipulated you into returning through a suicide claim. So she gets to pull the strings and you get to be manipulated.

If you are really worried about suicide, call for professional medical help. Unless you are trained, you are doing nothing but being an enabler for her.

If you really want to reconcile, then you need to face that she is one hell of a broken, soulless mess. There is no way you can R with someone that thinks what she did was great. And by rushing back to her when she pulled the strings (claiming suicide), all you are doing is conferring that what she did was really fine. After all, you are still there.

I wish you luck. But the course you have charted will likely leave you with nothing but pain and disappointment.


----------



## loveisforever

TOOname said:


> Both of you touched on something that I think is important, in that we can never have our "old relationship" before she did this to me back. If we ever do more forward as anything together, it has to be a totally new relationship. Just going back to square one and redefining all our rules, trying to spend some time together where we are normal and not a trainwreck, and going from there.
> 
> Keko, I have a lot of self respect. I do deserve better. This doesn't mean I'm going to immediately cut and run though.
> 
> Bouillon, thanks for your post. It struck a chord with me. Just believe me that she isn't going to "get away" with it. I think people in this thread assume that if I forgive her we're talking total absolution and going back to pretending that this never happened, and that definitely wouldn't be the case.


"I have a lot of self respect."

Fact: 
The minute you even consider a reconciliation with your so called wife under these circumstances, you don't. 

You just do not know what "self respect" SHOULD mean.

You need to work on yourself to get a healthy personality, let alone "save" your so called marriage. 

Right now, you simply do not had such ability. 

You really do not fully understand all the advice posted here. Print them, read over and over. Your brain needs a new connection that hopefully can lead you to the road of recovery.


----------



## loveisforever

"In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior."

What a wishful thinking! Please wake up from your dream.

Such behaviors only roots in her core!


----------



## Acabado

You were victim of a fraud. I'm very sorry.
BFF and wife are natural born scammers (including the bogus suicide).

I'm so sorry man. You won't respect yourself ever if you stay. Help youself.


----------



## snap

Remember the pre-wedding jitters you had. Your gut was right. She's not the one for you.


----------



## TDSC60

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am also sorry that you seem to be in shock and denial and are making life changing decisions without a clear head.

You say that this is a 180 from her behavior. How do you know this is the first affair? You didn't find out about this time until someone told you. You think it was the only affair because a cheating liar told you it was? OK - good luck with that.

You don't want to throw away a near perfect 5 yr relationship.
Accept that you REALLY do not know what went on for those years. You THOUGHT it was all good right up until the time you found out it was not. It is not a huge logical jump from 5 yrs of "great/good" to 5 yrs of deception and lies considering what you now know.

Do not fight to recover a relationship that was a fantasy since before you were married. That makes no sense at all.

All I can say is talk to a lawyer and know your options. 

Do not make a decision to reconcile based on a "feeling" that it is the right thing to do for her or anyone else. Do not decide to reconcile because you think it is your responsibility to protect or help her.

Decide what is best for you and no one else.

One last thought. A couple of poster here have "won" the fight to keep the marriage together after the affair and now they are wondering what the hell they were doing. They realize that they just jumped to reconciliation for one reason or another and now realize it was the wrong thing to do. Now that they have "won" they do not like the "prize". Don't be that guy.


----------



## wilson

This is such a fundamental character flaw in her I struggle to see how she can fix it. Do not be duped by temporary improvements as she puts on her tarnished halo until things calm down. You will always need to be on alert for her repeating this behavior. I seriously doubt she will truly change.

It's like you would never trust a pedophile with children regardless of how much counseling they went through. It's too big of a character flaw to be actually fixed. The best you can hope for is to control the situation so that they are not tempted again. Do you want to spend the rest of your life snooping 100% of your wife's activities and ensuring she never has unsupervised contact with a man?

There are so many great women out there who will treat you with respect. You will have 50 years with them that are better than these past 5 with her. Listen to all the people who are telling you to leave and start anew. You are a great guy and deserve to have a relationship where you can fully and effortlessly trust your spouse.


----------



## DavidWYoung

Look, I was EXACTLY were you are now.You must stop this BS that you are going thru! I know, I know "How can I save this?" "What did I do wrong?" "There must be some way!" NO NO NO! I know that you remember the wedding and the honeymoon and the short time after and you feel like the BIGGEST IDIOT in the world. You can't fail at this short a time, there must be SOMETHING I CAN DO! No, there is not, sorry. The best you can do now (And I really mean this, I am trying to SAVE you right now.) is to DIVORCE her now and leave. If you don't and keep up with the BS that you are doing now you will follow my crap life and I don't wish that on my worst enemy. I was a soldier in Iraq, I have killed people and blown things up. That was nothing compared to the mind movies and the things she said that I remember each day for the past twenty odd years. I am not good at talking, I like to chime in a little in conversations, I'm smart but I don't like to talk. Please listen to the other TAM members. You will be in a world of hurt, if you don't! God's Speed Good Luck David


----------



## snap

Our fellow is still in denial phase. Anger is expected to kick in soon.

OP, don't make any decisions yet, give it some time.


----------



## HappyHubby

I don't know that I can add any value here as there has been so much valuable information given already and for whatever reason it doesn't seem to be having much effect on you. There is no light bulb 'ah ha' moment coming from your post and it is desperately needed in your case.

Perhaps a bit of introspection will do you good.

First, it is not your fault your wife has no decency and is a broken person. However, it is your fault if it is a fundamental character trait of yours to be non-confrontational to the core. Do you avoid conflict? Does it make you feel very uncomfortable? This could be a cause of your 'nice guy' personality (which I dont think is very nice, just weak. You're not being very nice to yourself if you don't stand up for yourself). And Im not preaching here. I too had this niceness in me and have been working on it and it is making a difference in my life.

It seems to me that you came on here with a preconceived idea of what is the right thing to do, what is the best approach, what kind person your wife, your friend and ultimately YOU are. This has not allowed you to FULLY take advantage of the wisdom imparted on here which has been imparted with the only intent to rescue you from further pain. When people say leave her, they are not necessarily saying it just out of principal but because it is the critical necessary condition for you to maintain your self-esteem and self-respect.

Im sorry but NO.. you cannot ultimately respect yourself (and therefore neither can she) if you do not treat this betrayal as the most unholiest of evils committed against you. You MUST, absolutely MUST turn her world upside down without comforting her in the process. She will respect you then. It will be an awakening to her. 'wow he's got more gusto than I realized' 

If you truly want to reconcile then you must initiate divorce proceedings. I have come to the conclusion that the best plan of action in all infidelity cases is divorce first, reconcile second after considerable time has past and only under the strict and unforgiving stipulations as set out by the BS. 

So...Initiate divorce or annulment process and if months down the road she has convinced you of her improved self and unconditional love and devotion then you can get back together under your 'very harsh but reasonable' conditions.

AND PLEASE!! EVEN IF YOU ARE GOING TO IGNORE THIS and all the other advice.. please at least pretend to believe it when in the presence of your wife. Don't let her have the comfort of knowing that no matter what you won't leave her. (even after repeatedly having sex with your 'best friend' and best man... wow. Just put that into perspective)

Being mean or 'tough' with her using your words is letting her off the hook. It's a slap on the wrist.. Is counselling a serious consequence for her? NO! Is a few months of tough conversations with you? NO! She can do that. No big deal. 

No. What you need to make her believe 100% is that she is losing you - regardless of whether its true or not. The only real consequence you can place upon her at this point is withdrawing your love (at least for 3 months minimum. meaning no contact)... whether she WINS you back or not is up to her. I can't say it enough she needs Consequences... consequences... consequences... They must be REAL. They must be HARSH. and They must be IMMEDIATE.

Anything less and she will NOT respect you no matter what she says or how many tears she cries.

On another note: You should at least confront that betraying bastard ex friend with words or a letter or something to state what he did was wrong and that you wont accept it.Tell him what you think of his character, how pathetic and scummy he is and that you will NEVER be friends and to never contact you again. This is therapy. Work away those 'nice' guy tendencies.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

I remember thinking like you way back, I do commend you with putting up with everyone’s rather harsh words. Understand some of us are projecting, we were in your shoes once and some of us see you making the same mistakes we did. If I could go back in time to see myself during my ordeal I’d want to shake some sense in me as well.


TOOname said:


> Both of you touched on something that I think is important, in that we can never have our "old relationship" before she did this to me back. If we ever do more forward as anything together, it has to be a totally new relationship. Just going back to square one and redefining all our rules, trying to spend some time together where we are normal and not a trainwreck, and going from there.


This sounds good on paper but is not realistic. Years from now you will still resent her for this, it will never leave your mind and you will have triggers constantly reminding you. The reality is, this wasn’t some drunken ONS, she had 2 relationships going on at the same time behind your back for no other reason than person gratification. You can’t fix her and you can’t undo the damage. No matter how good she is to you it would take several lifetimes for her to make it up to you and still at the end of the day she gets to keep a faithful husband and you will forever have an unfaithful wife. 


> I have a lot of self respect. I do deserve better. This doesn't mean I'm going to immediately cut and run though.


Would someone like John Wayne stay in a relationship like this? A person with confidence would chalk this up as a learning experience and move on to find someone else because they know there are hundreds of potential partners out there willing to take her place. Reconciliation is hard many BS’s find in the long run it’s not worth it. 


> Just believe me that she isn't going to "get away" with it. I think people in this thread assume that if I forgive her we're talking total absolution and going back to pretending that this never happened, and that definitely wouldn't be the case.


You are in a catch-22. See, you can never hurt her or do anything to her that would be a fraction as bad as she did to you, including having an RA. If she stays married to you, she wins.


----------



## Shaggy

So you don't ignore suicide threats, but you don't reward them either. This means you get them help, it doesn't mean you stay married to them.


As for the BF - you need to warn others about what he is like and what he will do to them,

At a minimum post him on cheaterville,com and detail what he did. Tell the truth there and you have *****ing legally to worry about.


----------



## Ovid

The best thing you can do right now is expose to OMW with all content, then go dark. Cut off all contact completely and give yourself a chance to detach so you can think clearly. Right now you are still in shock from the discovery.


----------



## cledus_snow

dude, your whole marriage was built on a lie. you married under false pretenses, as she was not being faithful to you. she looked into your eyes and said her vows while in the midst of an affair, with your BF no less. _how sh*tty is that._

the only reason she came clean was because she got caught. who knows how long this could've gone on. 


again, she was cheating on you from the _get-go_. 

"RUN, FOREST.....RUN!"


----------



## donny64

We've seen this pattern here before. Someone (troll) comes in, first post, posts some outrageous story of infidelity. They ask for advice. They receive advice. They ignore advice, and post in a very beta-ish, non self respecting way. They continue to get kicked in the balls by the alleged WS, and keeping clinging on to their WS like some dingleberry. They still "love her, trust her, believe she's telling the truth". Instead of showing a single shred of self respect, the story becomes more unbelievable by the minute with the OP continuing to hang on to "work things out" while the hits from the "WS" just keep on coming. The OP throws out the "this is true, I'm not a troll" a few times, but the story becomes more unbelievable by the post. Thread devolves into a 30 page display of shock and disbelief by most everyone here.

Maybe that's the case here yet again.

If not, here goes....



> We were married in June and, despite the less than ideal circumstances, our wedding was one of the happiest days of my life.


And while you were looking lovingly into your new bride's eyes on that day, she still had crusties in her crotch put there by your best man. You seem to know she was with him the week of your wedding. Well, sorry, I've got some bad news for you...You got sloppy seconds on your wedding night dude, compliments of your best man.

Did her and the "best man" go "missing" at any point during the day of your wedding? During the honeymoon? I'm betting so. 

While she was saying "I do" to you, she couldn't wait to get alone with him so she could "do" him.  

Is that brutal enough truth for you on how completely *BROKEN* she is? Can you not see that a person of such low morals and self control is completely and fundamentally broken that there is no hope? 

There is NO EXCUSE for such behavior. None. This is not some drunken one night stand where she got intoxicated and made a mistake (most of us could possibly forgive that in an otherwise good woman). This is not some "connection" a 15 year otherwise faithful and loyal wife had with someone during a period of lows, lonliness, being taken for granted, and desperation, which in a moment of weakness went horribly wrong. She was like this FROM THE START. 

If you can't see that, I fear you're as broken as she is. And you should fix that. SCREW the marriage counseling. Get yourself to individual counseling and work on your own self.

If you need any more kick in the balls to show you what most here already know, offer her a polygraph... that is if you're not afraid to act on the results which are sure to come. I'll bet a paycheck you haven't scratched the surface of what she's about. Nobody capable of what she has done is likely getting away "clean" with "just one" affair.

I'd recommend the following:

Move out. Immediately. Stay with family until you find a place.

Annulment. Immediately. If not possible, divorce, immediately.

Never speak to her again. Or for at least a YEAR.

Gym membership. Now. Relieve stress, frustration, AND get in "pickin' up hottie shape" at the same time. Win - Win. 

Individual counseling. Find what it is that you think so little of yourself that this (her) is the best you can do, or that you would tolerate this treatment from anyone.

Once you get in shape, NEW CLOTHES. Get a stylish buddy or lady friend to show you how to dress if you don't already know.

Personal grooming. Keep on top of it. Change your look if you've fallen into "marriage mode".

Start reading. Learn how to be confident in yourself and be able to display that in an honest and non-fake way to prospective mates. You must actually gain this confidence and HAVE it if you're going to have a good chance with a quality woman. Quality women see through false confidence, and will sniff out someone who has no self respect in nearly a heart beat. And they'll be gone. You can possibly "get by" with faking it at first, but if you don't embrace it and become that, you will lose it, and will start attracting (and becoming attached to) the "low hanging fruit" type women (your wife) referenced above in another post.

Grow a backbone. Women (good quality women anyway) do NOT like weak men who do not respect themselves. And that doesn't mean be a d!ck, loud, or abusive if you feel you've been done wrong. The guys I know who seem to command the most respect from women are typically easy going, calm guys in the face of advesity or conflict....yet who do not put up with crap and make that calmly, firmly, and plainly known. From their women or anyone else. Don't be a doormat. Doormats attract dirt. 

Read some more. Learn how to rock a woman's world in bed. I mean really rock her world. Make sure that when you're done with her, there is little doubt in her mind you're the best she's ever had. If you haven't had a lot of experience, then this won't come naturally to you or by past trial and error. You'll need to educate yourself. Leave your woman knowing you're the best she's ever had, and with ZERO desire to sow her oats somewhere else. You want her focus completely on you... not on thoughts of that guy in college or the ex boyfriend who gave her crazy orgasms like nobody else could. Become THAT guy. Women who have crazy good men in bed typically do not leave those men or start thinking "the grass over there may be greener" if all else is good as well. If you suck in bed, and good sex is important to her, well then, bets are off. Eventually she'll either just lose interest and possibly go without, OR she'll find it somewhere else.

Go slow with any new prospective mates. No attachments or commitments (beyond a commitment of exclusivity if all "feels" right with a particular woman) until you have a chance to KNOW them a bit better.

Learn the signals of infidelity and lying. You CLEARLY missed a bunch somewhere.

Respect yourself, and do not put up with disrespect from anyone. That doesn't mean go neanderthal on people. It does mean learning how to CLEARLY demonstrate in a calm and firm manner that you won't be disrespected or taken for granted. You have also CLEARLY not been able to do that with your wife.

Forget about improving her. She's broken. Improve yourself in as many ways as you can, then go forward and find a woman worthy of you. Not "maybe the best I can get" or someone that will do. Someone that is worthy of a good man. Your W is not.


----------



## Vanguard

TOOname said:


> To the people calling me beta, cuckold, trying to shame me into making a certain decision etc... That is not the kind of advice I need. You know nothing about me other than this post. If you came here to call me names then screw off.


Dude it's not name-calling. It's an accurate denotation of what is going on. She's cheating on you, and you're allowing it to go unanswered. The term is accurate. You need to get a granite chin and an iron fist. If you don't... you are essentially telling her that she's allowed to cheat on you while you provide for her. 

I'm not name-calling. I'm trying to help you. If you want someone to ratify a decision that you've already come to, you're in the wrong place, and you're definitely unwarranted in your anger toward me.


----------



## Shamwow

theroad said:


> Are you going to do the right thing by the OMW and give her copies of the evidence.
> 
> To expose the OMW then leave her hanging without sharing the proof is being very cruel the OMW. Her only crime is she married the OM.


You don't have to send her the files, but you should offer to show them to her in person, so she knows the level of what she's dealing with. Assuming she still wants to know...that way there are no phantom files in cyberspace that could land your WW online (at least not by your hand).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

You can send her the texts and offer to show her the video in your presence


----------



## RandomDude

> she looked into your eyes and said her vows while in the midst of an affair, with your BF no less. how sh*tty is that.


Come to think of it... jebus... that was fking cold
She could look into someone's eyes and make marital vows while f--king his best friend on the side, now that's some seriously fked up sh-t

@TooName

I wish you the best mate, I'm glad you're starting to see her for who/what she truly is.


----------



## jim123

First, you show a lot of character in what you did for your wife it was the right thing to do.

When people try to reconcile, they rely on good times within the marriage. You do not have any. Your marriage is actually a trigger. You can not look at your wedding photos, your video or anything related to your marriage.

I would suggest that you dissolve your marriage. Go back to the time you were both happy and dating. See if it works out. If it does then you can remarry and have what most people have about the wedding day.

You do not have a foundation to build on so just let it fall. If it was meant to be, you both will come back together. Do not waste time trying to fix it.


----------



## JCD

(sticks in a thermometer)

Huh. You are nowhere near ready for any advice. Get back to us in a month after the reality of this festers in your mind. When you're on the third week with the replay of her moaning his name right before you go to sleep and in the morning when you wake up. When you have lost 15 pounds from stress related appetite loss.

You think there is something to build on. You think that 'REALLY setting ground rules' is going to help (Hint...wasn't that what wedding vows were for?)

Reality hasn't smacked your frontal lobes yet. When it does, we'll be here.


----------



## skb

I don't have to tell you divorce is the answer. You already know it. Would you like a repeat?


----------



## ilou

No dude, can you imagine having children with this woman, being happy with your kids for the 50-60+ years of your life but having that lingering thought that your wife *****d your BF's brains out? And her possibly teaching your kids about morals and how to be a good husband/wife? Don't think about the past or present. Think about the future. Your story so heavily weighs towards divorce that I call baloney if you R. Sorry dude.


----------



## OldWolf57

You Sir are under the impression this was one time.

But you have to look at the time frame. 8 months !!! So while you was getting it once a week or every two weeks, he was getting it way more.

Then you have to look at the TOTAL level of DISRESPECT.
This posom was standing by your side laughing at you at YOUR wedding.
While she was standing there looking you in the eye, then looking over your shoulder sharing in that laughter.

So you are truly in the BS fog if you think anyone is going to have any respect for you going forward with her.


----------



## MarriedTex

Get an annulment now!

If you are for some reason committed to the relationship, you can continue living with her - as was the case when you were dating. She would have to earn her way back into the relationship. If things work, you can get re-married (quiet ceremony, but alternate best man, please)

Getting annulment now gives you best options and gives you easiest path to leave in case that the overwhelming majority of advice that you see on this board actually turns out to be correct. If relationship is meant to be, gives you opportunity to create a second "trigger-free" wedding day.

Best of luck.


----------



## Kasler

^ Yes. He was your best man. How empowered he must've felt. To see you there and her making vows to a woman hes been sleeping with on the side, and that he knew they'd be breaking those same vows soon after, and that you'd had no idea. 

The one would told you congratulations.

You're going to analyze all their interactions now. 

Should you kick her to the curb? cut and run? YES!!!! 

That is the best move. This is not only early on in the marriage, but before as well. Your marriage is based upon lies and betrayal. You don't want that kind of foundation for your life.

It hasn't been long, an annulment can be easily obtained. 

You need to think of yourself. 

You don't want to leave her just yet fine, but you SHOULD NOT be married to her.

You wanna see if it can work out, fine, give it a shot, but do not let this woman entangle your future. Get pregnant by you, and in some crazy cases I've seen wifes after 1 year awarded alimony. 

An oversimplified analogy, but say TOOname you bought a new car. Its kinda shaky and you think something could be seriously wrong with it but don't know for sure whether its the model and make of the car or the individual car itself thats having problems. Your warranty is about to expire. You can either just go along with the car, or you can use the warranty and get a new one. 

So if it was the car itself that was the problem, you're safe got a new car that works fine. If it was the make and model, then you don't have to keep it and can get a new car since you just used your warranty. 

Either way, TOOname is good, not left with a junk car. 

Back to real speak.

You sound very young, and a nice person, but one of the most miserable existences I've witnessed is someone coping with someone elses issues. 

-People having to cover for and take care of spouses with NPD, BPD,bi-polar, etc. 

Its not fun getting the call that my bipolar cousin just went on a bender, trashed her work area and is nowhere to be found so up until 5am looking for her until finding her in a soup kitchen downtown.

-People having to be data wardens over their loose spouses. Always checking and never feeling secure. 

4 months of the second one and I was paranoid and slight suicidal. 

I implore you, whatever you do, protecting yourself must come first cause no one is gonna think about your interests but you and the lawyer I suspect you'll be retaining in the future.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Just one note TOOname:

You said she called you just before she tried to kill herself. Chances of her actually following through with that? Next to none.

She did it to make you feel sorry for her so she didn't have to deal with what she'd done. Poor, poor pitiful her. 

Listen, you are not responsible for your wife's actions. That includes her killing herself. Threatening suicide is a great way to shift the responsibility back on to you. She's saying, "I want to make you responsible for me so I can get off the hook." 

Guess what? You're not.


----------



## cj9947

Tooname,
I am truly sorry for your pain. Your WW and the OM are EVIL. Not misguided, not just having a bad day, not confused, not acting our of character but simply EVIL. EVIL cannot be reformed.

Marriage is a very important right of passage. It signifies a defining point in a person's life. Like birth, children, death and etc. They ATTACKED you on one of the most important stages of your life, single life to married life.

In time you will begin to realize that the advice you found most upsetting from members here, was advice from some of the BEST friends you will never personally meet. I know, they changed my life for the better.

My guess is that your are a relatively young man, believe me when you are 50 years old you will look back and say, "Why did I hesitate 1 minute?"

Best wishes to you...but NOT to your WW or so called best friend.


----------



## jnj express

Hey TOOname To quote you "she isn't gonna get away with it"----you got it wrong--------THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER, NOT ABOUT YOUR XBF

THIS IS ABOUT YOU----this is about, The one and ONLY trip you get thru life on this planet---the one and ONLY life you will live---that is what this is about.

She cheated on you before, during and after you got married----and I will bet she couldn't wait to spread her legs for him---had he been single, I am wondering if you would be married at all.

Brides that wanna be married, and who are looking forward to being married, DO NOT KNOW THAT ANYONE ELSE EXISTS IN THIS WORLD, cept their H to be/H,--------Yours all she looked forward to was deception/manipulation/and lies so she could bed her lover.----Planning, when she should have been planning her wedding, SHE WAS PLANNING HER NEXT RENDEZVOUS WITH HER LOVER, and how to keep you from finding out.

You do NOT have a mge.----I am wondering how you can look at her w/out vomiting-----I do not care how she acts now----she knew what she was doing, and SHE DID IT WILLINGLY AND HAPPILY----You do not have a mge---YOU NEVER DID!!!!!

You can live with her, and that for most of the time will be in misery, due to your memory, and visions---or you can do what you were meant to do, and take your one trip thru life, and live happily---that will occur, when you are rid of this woman who right now calls herself your wife

Also stop the MC, if you want counseling go to IC, and heal yourself--------For this really should be about you, and you ONLY.


----------



## HappyHubby

Curious if TOOname will return. You there? How you doing? I hope this isn't a troll like someone suggested earlier.

TOOname, if this is all real and you are still unsure if what these people are saying is the best advice then please ask questions.. if you have reservations (yes, buts..) please put those buts out there and you can get some more insight from experienced people as to where their opinions came from and why it is so crucial to follow it.

Best of Luck. Be strong.


----------



## alte Dame

TOOname said:


> The more I think about it the more I feel that something is just damaged with her. In the past she had always been a genuinely moral person, and this is a complete 180 from her usual behavior. I think there is something very wrong with her that needs fixing before she can think about having a healthy relationship with anyone.


This is where I think you have to reconsider your assumptions to this point.

You believe she had this torrid A with your bf, but that she has now told you the truth & that the A represents a real break in what you know of her character.

The thing is, what if you don't really know her true character? What if her A with your friend is really a window into the part of her that you've never seen? What if this is really the real 'her' - your bf knows this version of her really well, as well as your version of her. What if the woman you married is the illusion & the woman who videoed herself with your bf is the real person, the person she is deep down? And she's always been this way?

If this is true, you know just the tip of the iceberg.

I would be very surprised if her A with your friend is the only betrayal of your love. I am afraid for you because I fear that the five years that you consider good years weren't as good as you think they were. I would fear that she has had a secret life all along.


----------



## jnj express

I also wanna jump in on the suicide debate

Tooname---your stand is very noble, and right----BUT-----

One who wants to commit suicide---DOES COMMIT SUICIDE---they DO NOT TELL/CALL OTHERS, to make sure the suicide is PREVENTED from occurring.

All she was doing was feeling sorry for herself, and manipulating you, into feeling guilty enuff to stay in the mge---

Once again, it boils down to, WHAT DO YOU/HOW DO YOU WANNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

MISERABLE, or Relatively HAPPY---cuz of the horrible nature of this betrayel, you in all actuality---will be/may be scarred for the rest of your life------its just part of what this thoughtless woman has done to you--------

---MC, why bother, what kind of reason, in any way shape or form, could she have for doing this to you----once again---take care of yourself, and go to IC-----and try for an Anulment, so you won't have to give her ANYTHING----for she deserves NOTHING


----------



## Acabado

Did OM gave you the rings? Did he look happy for you?
Did she look at him or you? DId she look to your family?
Did they look to each other during the ceremony? What were they thinking about possibly?
Who was she looking at when she said yes I do? Did she sound sincere? What were her vows? Did she teared up?
Did she go missing for a while while the wedding party?
Did she seem impatient for the honeymoon to end?
How did she explain the timeline? What was going on in her head?


----------



## Shaggy

Interesting that she was able to have a long term affair with the BF without telling you, even at the wedding, but she felt she need to tell you about the so called suicide attempt.


----------



## Juicer

Dude, your wife said her vows while in an affair. If that doesn't spike your mind, then you need to get your brain checked. 

As for beating the OM, don't do that. Very bad idea. Trust me on this. 
But expose him, go public, and ruin him. Then go silent, go dark, and never emerge for him to see you. 

Now, do you notice something? 
There are a lot of pro-marriage people here on this forum. But they are all telling you to divorce. Why?
Because your wife, who should have been in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, was carrying out an affair. So that tells us that even at your best, she was cheating. 

Lok back on those 5 years. How many of those precious memories that you think you two shared, are poisoned by knowing that she was thinking of your BF the entire night? That she was wishing you were your BF. 

If she makes another threat to commit suicide, get her a lot of mental help. (which may need to include a straitjacket)
Just because she is willing and trying to ruin her life, doesn't mean she can do the same to yours.


----------



## JCD

He is correct. Whatever the motives of the wife, he should not ignore a suicide attempt AND he should make sure she is back in the bosom of her family because they will look to her long term interests in a more unbiased fashion.


Here is the thing: IF she cheated because she is mentally damaged, or IF she cheated with you because she has no morals, in either case, the circumstance is the same: is this a person you want to be around for the rest of your life?

Now, there are the vows 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health'. And I'm sure you meant them. But the vows were broken.

Of course I hear the counter argument: but if she's not in her right mind, than her cheating is excused. Let me grant that she IS mentally unbalanced and that caused her cheating AND her suicide attempt. I doubt it's true, but maybe.

She is not a person who is bedridden. She is not someone poisoning the neighbors cat. She isn't wearing her underwear outside of her clothes (unless it's a fashion statement...the statement being 'I'm poorly dressed AND easy...)

She is functioning. She might be hurting. She might be damaged. But she can care for herself, seek her own aid and healing. She can drive a car, rent a flat and pay a bill. 

She, in fact, has a mental headcold at worst. If she was a lot worse than that, I would think you a cad to abandon her in her distress until she was healed. THEN boot her out.

So staying 'to take care of her' isn't really valid. Get a medical opinion first, but that should not tie you there.


----------



## Shaggy

Is your wife an adult who is lethally and mentally capable of being responsible for herself OR is she in need to confinement in an institution?

It comes down to this. Was you wife mentally competent each and every time she chose to be with the OM? 

If she was mentally ill that us a person who needs to be locked up because they are in capable of making their own choices.

But we both know your wife is fully capable of making her own choices.

The problem is that she willingly and without guilt chose over and over to plan meetups and have sex with the OM.

She did it right up to the wedding and right after. She'd still be doing it if she could.

Her issue isn't that she chose to have sex with him, she's fully ok with having done that. Her problem is that she hit caught. She doesn't like the fall out from her choices.


----------



## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Is your wife an adult who is lethally and mentally capable of being responsible for herself OR is she in need to confinement in an institution?
> 
> It comes down to this. Was you wife mentally competent each and every time she chose to be with the OM?
> 
> If she was mentally ill that us a person who needs to be locked up because they are in capable of making their own choices.
> 
> But we both know your wife is fully capable of making her own choices.
> 
> The problem is that she willingly and without guilt chose over and over to plan meetups and have sex with the OM.
> 
> She did it right up to the wedding and right after. She'd still be doing it if she could.
> 
> Her issue isn't that she chose to have sex with him, she's fully ok with having done that. Her problem is that she hit caught. She doesn't like the fall out from her choices.


Please op listen shaggy sums it up I'm sorry but:iagree::banghead::banghead: kick her to the curb please!


----------



## OldWolf57

Well it looks like the warrior has left the building.

Why do they come if they won't face the truth ???


----------



## JCD

OldWolf57 said:


> Well it looks like the warrior has left the building.
> 
> Why do they come if they won't face the truth ???


One, the choir comes on strong and sometimes insulting.

Two, there is no so blind as one who will not see. There is none so deaf as one who will not hear.

Pick one or both.


----------



## dogman

OldWolf57 said:


> Well it looks like the warrior has left the building.
> 
> Why do they come if they won't face the truth ???



You know...I found after I heard the advice on this forum I started to put a plan in action (based on that advice) but the noise of this forum while I was executing that plan was seriously distracting me. 

TOOname has some serious stuff to deal with he needs his time to do it. Hopefully he will return to let us know the outcome.

He got the message everyone was saying, at least he didn't delete the thread. He may return.


----------



## OldWolf57

Strong, yes. Coddling NO !!

That's why I think we have ppl doing things like Mass. and Co.
Grown ppl are supposed to be developed mentally and emotionally.
I mean, they actually have families and jobs.
They've actually had trama during theirs lives already. Who has'nt ?? True, it can be crippling losing the one person you love most in the world, along with your family, but that's where life experience comes in.

I never try to insult, but I refuse to coddle.


----------



## happyman64

TooName

You received some awesome advice here.

I hope you follow it.

Your story was very similar to mine but it happened some years ago.

I admire your decision to go to counseling. You both will need it.

Also take all the time you need to make decisions. I think with the evidence you found, the truth your wife told you and the level of betrayal you have only one direction you can go in.

But that choice is yours to make and only yours!

Take all the time you need to heal. Lean on famuily and friends. I hope you get your wifes family to support her. She is going to need them.

And you handled the suicide call the right way. 

Make sure the OMW understands the severity of the cheating your spouses were doing.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing.

You and your wife are in my prayers.

HM64


----------



## bigtone128

keko said:


> No kids, short marriage, vids of her getting banged = dump her and move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make her your old wife and in a hurry.......my ex 20 years ago went away on a business trip with her boss (before we had children) and stayed over extra days, did not call, later found out she was on the beach with him til 4 AM and massaged his back - that's all she told me. I suspected more but it took 2 years of therapy to get over it and here I am 20 years and 2 kids later and the same crap going on and worse.

Save yourself 2 decades of pain and any future children any pain...dump her and in a hurry. 

If she is suicidal that's her problem not yours. as she would tell you..."man up"


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

OldWolf57 said:


> *Well it looks like the warrior has left the building.*
> 
> Why do they come if they won't face the truth ???


Warrior!!!! Who?:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------

