# Please....i need someone to hear me out!!



## cluelessmom (Jul 27, 2010)

I dont know how or where to start..
My husband and i have been married for 13 years.Ours is an arranged marriage,arranged by our parents. we live in a society where arranged marriages are more common than love marriages.From the start we were having problems. After 13 years, unhappiness nad bitterness still exist and i cannot stand it any longer.Sure we have had tender moments but they are overshadowed by the fights and arguments we often have.During the fights he calls me names and abuses me physically. I try to reason with him for this kind of violent behaviour but he says its my attitude thats making him angry. I feel that his anger is uncalled for.. he gets angry at the silliest reason like not keeping the bathroom door open after a shower and his anger flares up in a second resulting in violent behaviour like hitting me. His excuse is that he has to use this anger to make me understand how things should be done! He constantly snubs/ridicules me. when i see that there is no point reasoning with him i go to another room badly hurt. Talking also doesn't work because that always leads
to another big fight.Our marriage has been devoid of romance or love from the begining. My parents know about this and in the begining they adviced me to stay on as divorces are considered to be something bad in our society. I tried to tell him that we should get the help of a counsellor which he refused .says if i wish i could go see a councellor but he wouldn't come cause he didn't have any problem. We didn't have any kids for 11 years for which he blamed me. After 11 years i conceived and we got our first child. Now i am 37 and my baby is 18 months old. H loves our child very much. But the fights are still on . I fear that this will harm our child because during a couple of times my kid saw H yelling at me and hitting me and she cried. That broke my heart. Now things are calm but i fear it wont be long before another fight. for the sake of my child i act happy but inside i am depressed and unhappy. H says i am making the situation worse because of my uninterest in sex. Of course the thought of having sex with him is making me cringe. I told him emotionally i cannot connect with himand making love is difficult when there is no love for each other. But he argues that sex is a great stress releiver and if we have more sex everything will be allright. 

I was working before and i stopped workin when i got pregnant. I am financially weak . Even when i was working i never had the freedom to spend as i like. i always had to ask H's permission even to buy my own clothes. H is financially very stable as he has a steady job and his inheritance.

I am wondering if i change my tone and talk to him in a more nice way, would things be any different...or is it my ego that is stopping me to behave in a way that H would like me to do. Every time i talk about seperation/divorce H gets angry and says i shouldn't even think of those lines let alone utter that word because of religious reasons and that i am an evil woman to talk about such things. ..that i should be working hard to save our marriage.I am in a fix...somebody please help me.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Alas , I do feel for you..

You can be nice, pleasant etc. but as your husband has no reason to change no matter what you do within yourself to please him he will just take it as a given that he has the rod and you do what you are told.

You are in a society that belittles you as a woman, you are a second-class citizen in all aspects including as a wife. 

What I cannot see in your profile is your country of residence. If you happen to be in a lets say a “1st world” country then you should be able to plan an exit strategy and RUN very far away. Do not look back not even to your family, this kind of behaviour persist because good people do not stand together and oppose it. Your family place their honour before you.

Either way try find a woman’s group on the internet hopefully in your country of residence, do not give away your location as it will endanger you. Please be very wary and careful as your husband will notice changes or certain types of activity from you, men such as he are suspicious of everything this behaviour comes naturally to those who oppress others. Furthermore do not confide in anyone else, someone always talks.

Most important to note. This is not a religious issue, this is bad behaviour from a man to a women. 

I am sorry not to answer your specific question like changing your tone, being nice etc.. In my opinion he will behave badly no matter what you do.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree with Wisp. But even if you aren't a "1st world country", you should make plans to leave. His behavior is inexcusable.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

Plan your exit NOW!! Please for your sake and the sake of your child (if he is battering/abusing you now, he may do this to his child in the future.) This may take months, even a year, given your circumstances. However, you will be in a better place inside yourself knowing you are laying the foundation to a safer, loving life. Take care in all your interactions with others. He may even know you are on this site. Don't be paranoid, just VERY VERY cautious and careful. Start with a small step (maybe just mentally planning your next attempt to reach out for help.) You probably should not leave without some kind of a plan. The sooner you start, the sooner you will be at peace. I wish you were somewhere where help could be more immediate, but from your post it sounds as though that is not the case. Praying for you to have the strength to show your child a better life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You do NOT have to accept this. No matter what your family or society believes in you are special and you deserve to not be abused. And if you don't remove your daughter from his home, she will grow up to be a victim, too, after learning it from you.

Read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It will help you decide what to do.


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