# I don't know what to do?



## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi all, new to the forum but I have already read many posts and found some great threads and advice 

I need to apologise as I suspect this may be a long thread, thanks in advance for anyone that takes the time to read it and comment.........

My wife had an affair, it started at Xmas and I knew about it all along and right up to the point when I confronted her the second time with concrete evidence. The earlier confrontation went as you would expect with no real proof. It was a friend who had been to our house and out as couples also, he has the same hobby as my wife and sees her everyday. She got pregnant during the 2 month affair and had a termination without telling me or discussing it with me, it could have been mine.

On the day of confrontation we talked all night, I was calm and rational and gave her every opportunity to commit to me and work through the issues etc. 10 days later I withdrew my emotions and wished her luck with him. She lied several times in this period, to see the other man.

She has moved out and taken my daughter with her, she is currently living with the other man and has been for nearly 4 weeks. He has left his wife and two kids to set up home with my wife and is adamant he is never going back. 

I am currently in the process of trying to buy her out of the house and have struck out a little into the dating game to see what is out there and to be frank, to massage my badly damaged ego. I am sure this is a tactical error on my part but it is an error I have already made.

My wife has done an about turn and now informs me she realises what a huge mistake she has made and that she wants to move back in and make a go of it. I see flashes of anger in her from time to time and I am sure she blames me for her moving out and going to him. I know how it will pan out legally is she moves back in and it does not work out for us so this is in the back of my mind. Also I don't trust her motives. She was given the opportunity to "Talk" the other night once the little one was asleep and instead she chose to honour her plans to go out for dinner with the other man.


I really do not know what to do, I am at my wits end and have not slept properly in months. I can't look at her when she comes to drop off our daughter and I avoid contact wherever possible. She is coming over in two days time to "talk" some more once the daughter is asleep. I am dreading it, I feel a decision needs to be made one way or the other but I fear making the wrong choice either way.

This is a very chopped down version of events and I am sure there will be questions but any advice would be welcome. Is it even possible to reconcile from a mess like this?

Thanks in advance
J


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

She wants to make a go of it but is still with the other man??????
I guess I don't get it. So what do you want to do? Do you want her back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Sorry, I should have been clearer. 
She wants back in, she wants me back and to move back into the family home with our daughter. I just don't know if I can forgive her and take her back. I don't know if i trust her or how I feel about her? Part of me says run for the hills buddy, no way take her back after what she has done but the other part thinks we should give it a go for our daughter's sake?

I just don't know, being in limbo though is hell!
It might be easier I guess if she was with her parents instead of with him but she isn't.

Hope that throws some light on my turmoil.

Cheers
J


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Run for the hills buddy. You are her backup plan. Divorce her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

If she really wanted to make a go of it, she would have ditched the other guy already. But to tell you that and then drop off the kid and go on a date with him? Wow.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Yeah it doesn't make good reading does it :|
She is definitely hedging her best I know it. She tells me she does not have the energy to move again, like to her parents for example, not sure I buy that to be honest, although it would be another big upheaval for our daughter?!

I guess some more soul searching is in order, she has some serious talking to do on Wednesday either way.

Cheers guys.
J


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was her childhood like?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Normal I guess, went to church, parents together, older sisters etc, nothing out of the ordinary that I am aware of? Why do you ask?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> Normal I guess, went to church, parents together, older sisters etc, nothing out of the ordinary that I am aware of? Why do you ask?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/43029-why-do-i-ask.html


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Is my wife broken.........almost definitely yes.

Bits nails
Picks face till it bleeds
Comfort eats and is overweight
Mood swings terrible and is often down and "Not coping"
Talks of not being around any more but not very often.
Low self esteem

The list goes on and I feel like I have been her emotional crutch for many years. I am sure it has affected me, I found the walking on eggshells part particularly pertinent.

Was I a little relieved when she finally left, well yes a bit to be honest as now someone else could support her.

But what now? Take her back and continue trying to fix her? Tell her to fix herself?

I literally do not know, emotionally I am pretty well drained through all that has happened in the past 3 months. 

Thanks
J


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

It's known that women with low self esteem are likely to cheat or at least fantasize with any men that give her the least amount of attention or make them feel good about themselves (NOT GOOD). 

I would advice that you have to think about you first. What's best for you. Think about whether you have been happy with her or not? Sounds like you haven't. You only have on life to live bro. She chose someone else over you. You deserve better.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> It's known that women with low self esteem are likely to cheat or at least fantasize with any men that give her the least amount of attention or make them feel good about themselves (NOT GOOD).
> 
> I would advice that you have to think about you first. What's best for you. Think about whether you have been happy with her or not? Sounds like you haven't. You only have on life to live bro. She chose someone else over you. You deserve better.


You are not the first to say it and deep down I know it to be true. Have I been happy, well sometimes yes but I would change a lot if I could. Perhaps I have been trying, there are some battles that cannot be won though. Telling her now how I feel though would crush her. How can you tell someone that they are broken and that you cannot be responsible for fixing them??

Good advice though
Thanks
J


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

There is no Shame in wanting to reconcile.

But however if you contemplating reconciliation . Don't make
the mistake,that sadly many other husbands have done before.

The mistake is letting the Cheating wife back home to easy..
The usually the sad scenario goes something like this..

The cheating wife is humble and remorseful and begging for
forgiveness. Gives the usual reasons for why..

So far so good right??

Sadly very often the scenario is wrong.

Problem is it only last for a few days, before they feel safe.And thus you can't 
make it a legal issue. Abandonment ,of the marital home and so on.
And not long before you know it. They start with the attitude
YOU are the reason..TT, your pushing me away.Am confused,I don't know.
Im not sure we can make it. pretty much every excuse in the book..

You would be setting your self up for a prolonged road to "reconciliation" 

My advice is. Proceed with the divorce,you can always withdraw it.
And give her your "terms" and also to see what she would be willing to do.

To prove to you that she is serious and really want to be back and stay married
to you. So you would feel safe..

Regardless of the road you choose to go down.
Don't forget that is *YOU* who has the upper hand,as of now..
You call the shot..So don't rush and force a quick decission. Don't be suppressed
She will try to guilt you in to take rash decision..

Where am a supposed to go,have nowhere to go,and think of our child routine..
Cry me a river you know..I trust i don't have to say regarding where your child belongs??

It just don't necessarily means your WW needs to be there at the same time..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't talk to her about her.

Be strong and affirmative.

Talk about the kind of marriage YOU will have.

Let her figure out the rest.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Wow, heavy stuff! 
I guess I have some thinking to do, I know if I don't at least have a plan on what I am going to say that it will all go wrong. She has a temper and I know that as soon as she sees things not going her way it will descend into acrimony.

"Talk about The marriage YOU will have"

With her or with someone else?? Because unless I am missing something, any talk about our marriage will just give her hope that it can be fixed, which is in doubt right now.

Cheers
J


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> Wow, heavy stuff!
> I guess I have some thinking to do, I know if I don't at least have a plan on what I am going to say that it will all go wrong. She has a temper and I know that as soon as she sees things not going her way it will descend into acrimony.
> 
> "Talk about The marriage YOU will have"
> ...


Let her decide whether it will be with her or not.

Try as you might, that's the part you cannot control.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If it descends into acrimony, walk away silently.

Do not take it from her. Not one more time.

You can always come back at her invite to see if she is willing to behave like an adult.

Stop enabling her.


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## Kasus (Mar 31, 2012)

Let her know it will be someone else, because the wife you knew is dead to you. This person you describe should be exactly the type of wife you expect, and also describe the steps you would take to love and comfort her. 

If reconciliation is still in your mind then let your WW know that it is upto her if she wants to be this new woman you speak of, but be adamant it does not guarantee anything from your side that you want her back.

You can't control her, but you can set the foundations for what you want in a wife and see if she adhere's to them by actions. Only that way will you know if you've made the right decision on whether to stick or leave.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Don't talk to her about her.
> 
> Be strong and affirmative.
> 
> ...


In taking about the kind of marriage I will have, do you have any examples of things that I might say? I have tried to think this through but keep coming back to talking about her and her problems which you suggest to avoid? I am not sure she can figure out the rest on her own?

Thanks
J


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> In taking about the kind of marriage I will have, do you have any examples of things that I might say? I have tried to think this through but keep coming back to talking about her and her problems which you suggest to avoid? I am not sure she can figure out the rest on her own?
> 
> Thanks
> J


I will have a marriage where both partners work for the common good.

I will have a marriage where both partners reciprocate and put the other first in their lives.

I will have a marriage where both partners respect each other and do not use vulgar language or put-downs.

I will have a marriage where partners listen to each other without interruption and extend the benefit of the doubt to each other.

I will have a marriage based on gratitude for the sacrifices made by each for the common good.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*>>I am not sure she can figure out the rest on her own<<*

This is the basis for your problems.

You are treating her like a child.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> *>>I am not sure she can figure out the rest on her own<<*
> 
> This is the basis for your problems.
> 
> You are treating her like a child.


Ok I am going to need a bit of time to digest that one, didn't see that coming :scratchhead:

So are you saying that by my actions I have made her the way she is, i.e. "Treating her like a child"? I don't feel like I have done anything but support and care for her over the many years we have been together??

Thanks
J


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Your language indicates you view her as incapable.

She's taking you up on the observation.

And, you wonder why she behaves as an insolent child?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Your language indicates you view her as incapable.
> 
> She's taking you up on the observation.
> 
> And, you wonder why she behaves as an insolent child?


I am happy to take criticism in all of this, I have done a fair amount of soul searching and tried to understand what I could have done differently. Here is the thing though, I genuinely believe I have supported and loved her to the best of my ability. Have I undermined her in doing that, I don't know? If I have by my actions caused this, then perhaps I deserve what has happened?

My comment that she was not capable was maybe a little vague. I didn't mean in general, I meant at the moment. She is not in a good place right now and seems very confused with all that has happened. Perhaps that doesn't change anything, perhaps I am being naive, I really do not know?

Cheers
J


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you're going to reconcile, set terms for reconciliation that will strengthen and affair-proof your marriage in the future. Insist on individual counseling for her, in case her depression urged her toward straying, and marriage counseling for yourselves. Make time together to read books about how to meet each others' needs, how to define boundaries in marriage, and how to improve communication. Maybe also urge her to learn to avoid her codependency on you. Maybe also be less of a "Mr Nice Guy."

Re: your assessment of her incompetence. 
Maybe she leans on you too much for support. She needs to learn how to be self-reliant, too. You need to learn to encourage her independence. Maybe both of you can research codependency?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

inamessIconfess said:


> Wow, heavy stuff!
> I guess I have some thinking to do, I know if I don't at least have a plan on what I am going to say that it will all go wrong. She has a temper and I know that as soon as she sees things not going her way it will descend into acrimony.
> 
> "Talk about The marriage YOU will have"
> ...


Keep a voice activated recorder with you when you talk to her. They cost about $40 at WalMart.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice guys, I will let you know how it goes after tomorrow.

Cheers
J


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Why on earth does she have your daughter? Tell her if she wants to go off and pursue the single life, then it has nothing to do with your family and your daughter stays with you while she wanders the earth with a strange man.

No one has criticized you for causing any of this (nor will they, unless there was any kind of abuse you haven't mentioned), the problem is you are letting her dictate how things play out to a large extent. Sorry, she's your wife and you love her, but her actions are not deserving of your respect right now. She cheated, she took your daughter to a strange man's home (who is also married). His marriage will ultimately take precedence over his relationship with your wayward wife and she'll be dumped soon. Probably why she's expressed concern over making a mistake by leaving for him.

My advice...get your daughter back in your home and tell your wife she must end it with OM now, and begin divorce proceedings to show her you are serious (and you must be, threats will not pan out...if she proves herself you can reconsider then). Only if she shows you she gives a crap about you and the marriage can she have any control back. Be a man and make the hard decisions for your family (not criticizing, most of the men here have had some severe wake up calls as to how to handle our lives with control).

Good luck, stay strong. You are in the right. You can't change what has happened, but you can absolutely direct how it plays out from here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

moxy said:


> If you're going to reconcile, set terms for reconciliation that will strengthen and affair-proof your marriage in the future. Insist on individual counseling for her, in case her depression urged her toward straying, and marriage counseling for yourselves. Make time together to read books about how to meet each others' needs, how to define boundaries in marriage, and how to improve communication. Maybe also urge her to learn to avoid her codependency on you. Maybe also be less of a "Mr Nice Guy."
> 
> Re: your assessment of her incompetence.
> Maybe she leans on you too much for support. She needs to learn how to be self-reliant, too. You need to learn to encourage her independence. Maybe both of you can research codependency?


:iagree: IF you decide to give this a chance, you do it with her outside the home, not back in it. And certainly not with the OM! She 'doesn't have the energy' to move again? She'd better find and exhibit a lot more energy to put into winning you back into your marriage... she's got to show you and earn it back, over time -- otherwise, forget it. 

And yes you are enabling her, as shamwow says, to pretty much dictate how this plays out. Stop, and take control -- and for goodness sake get your daughter back; you're letting her live with a man who'd take another man's wife, what do you really know about this guy?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Hi guys, great advice and many thanks, this is all so very hard.

We talked last night, I told her the type of person I want to be with and explained that I needed to look after my needs right now. It did not go down well, initially she got upset then a bit angry and in the end we talked again about the actual mechanics of separating etc.

Currently I have started the ball rolling with regard to buying her out of the family home, we are about 3 weeks away from the signature part. I have offered her what I believe to be a more than fair settlement, she will end up with more than half the equity from our home and a heap more on top.

Today she has been texting me saying that it did not go as expected, that she expected a list of demands from me and something for her to work towards. All I asked her to do was get help figuring out why she is unhappy and why this happened, so if we were to try again we would not end up in the same situation. She just sees that as me blaming her unfortunately.


I am not in a position to have our daughter full time as I have a very long commute and I work long hours, I would find a way with the help of family if needed but at the moment trying to get my daughter off my wife would be impossible.

for now I see no choice but to keep on the road we are on and see what happens, she needs to figure out that some serious commitment would be needed on her part before I even consider R with her. Do you think at this point it is even worth suggesting MC whislt she is still living with the OM? I suspect not.

Cheers all
J


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Stop and think about this for a minute. What if it was a friend, and not you, who was living through this scenario, what would you advise him to do? Most likely answer would be to divorce her, right? So why not follow what your rational side would tell him to do?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

So, you were more than fair.

What did it get you?

She's not satisfied.

How's this nice guy deal workin' for ya?

Still think you're going to get "credit"?

Still think you're going to "nice" her out of this?





inamessIconfess said:


> Hi guys, great advice and many thanks, this is all so very hard.
> 
> We talked last night, I told her the type of person I want to be with and explained that I needed to look after my needs right now. It did not go down well, initially she got upset then a bit angry and in the end we talked again about the actual mechanics of separating etc.
> 
> ...


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

If you're addicted to drama then by all means continue what you are doing but if you're sick and tired of it then just simply tell her that you are done with the marriage. 

Any sane man would avoid your wife like the plague but it's your life, if you make the wrong choice you'll have no one to blame but yourself.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> So, you were more than fair.
> 
> What did it get you?
> 
> ...


This actually put a smile on my face. 
I know you are right, I have a lot to lose though if this all goes the way of the courts etc. If I can avoid it then I must at least try, rightly or wrongly. I will try and be tougher though, wish me luck!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I've walked in those shoes.

How long have you been married?

First or second marriage?





inamessIconfess said:


> This actually put a smile on my face.
> I know you are right, I have a lot to lose though if this all goes the way of the courts etc. If I can avoid it then I must at least try, rightly or wrongly. I will try and be tougher though, wish me luck!


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

chaos said:


> If you're addicted to drama then by all means continue what you are doing but if you're sick and tired of it then just simply tell her that you are done with the marriage.
> 
> Any sane man would avoid your wife like the plague but it's your life, if you make the wrong choice you'll have no one to blame but yourself.


She isn't a bad person you know, she has just made some awful choices and is now paying for them. Unfortunately so am I. Somewhere in there is the woman I fell in love with all them years ago, not sure how to find her though...?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I've walked in those shoes.
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> First or second marriage?


10 years married, 14 years together.
First marriage.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you read the "Why Do I Ask" thread?

What you are in love with is your perception of her.

She is letting you know - rather directly - that your perception of her is flawed thinking.

Only you can decide if your right brain will be allowed to embrace this new information and "get it".




inamessIconfess said:


> She isn't a bad person you know, she has just made some awful choices and is now paying for them. Unfortunately so am I. Somewhere in there is the woman I fell in love with all them years ago, not sure how to find her though...?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

As long as there is an OM in her life -- much less in her home! -- there is no possibility of R, and therefore MC is a useless exercise and a waste of time and money.



inamessIconfess said:


> Somewhere in there is the woman I fell in love with all them years ago, not sure how to find her though...?


The reality is, she never existed, except in your imagination. She is who she is, warts and all. And if she did ever exist, that person disappeared the day she began her A with the OM. Accept it and get used to it, for if there is ever a possibility fo R, it is with this "new to you" person, never again to be with the woman who still lives in your imagination. (Harsh I know, but real...)


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

2xloser said:


> As long as there is an OM in her life -- much less in her home! -- there is no possibility of R, and therefore MC is a useless exercise and a waste of time and money.
> 
> 
> 
> The reality is, she never existed, except in your imagination. She is who she is, warts and all. And if she did ever exist, that person disappeared the day she began her A with the OM. Accept it and get used to it, for if there is ever a possibility fo R, it is with this "new to you" person, never again to be with the woman who still lives in your imagination. (Harsh I know, but real...)


Wow, more heavy stuff to take in *Gulp*
She has been really turning on the "Take me back" stuff this afternoon on the text, we are going to need to talk again. More hard things have to be said I guess........


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> Wow, more heavy stuff to take in *Gulp*
> She has been really turning on the "Take me back" stuff this afternoon on the text, we are going to need to talk again. More hard things have to be said I guess........


Make sure you are not Plan B.

OM has gotta go!... like yesterday.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Cheers Conrad

So we have talked a few times, some good and some bad. I have committed to nothing currently as I genuinely do not know if I can take her back and go down the whole reconciliation route.
Initially she stuck to her guns about not being able to move her and our daughter unless it was back home. This morning however she called to tell me she is leaving the OM and potentially moving back home with her parents.

She is going away to a meeting this week and won't be back until Sunday so that will afford her some time to think but on her return we will see what she does I guess.

I am so torn it is unbelievable, is there a recipe for knowing you can forgive someone and re-attach as it were? I feel like I have started to move on, but I am so unsure it is confusing the hell out of me. Our daughter is constantly in my thoughts. i can talk to my wife but I am struggling to understand my feelings for her, I can't take her back just because I feel sorry for her.

The journey continues......

Cheers guys
J


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

So the journey continues.....

We talked last weekend but unlike any previous talks. 

She is still living with, and in a relationship with IMO, the OM. I have told her in no uncertain terms I am literally nowhere where R is concerned and will never be as long as she is living with, seeing and spending time with the OM. Without any arguments, which is new, she appeared to accept this. However we are now several more days on and still no action. Still fishing texts on her part trying to get some validation or confidence that she can leave him and have me there to accept her with open arms. I just can't get her to understand that I won't even start to think about R until she has left and is living somewhere other than under his roof. She would move back into our family home in a heart beat but I have said no, not until she spends some time away from him.

In all the conversations I have no confidence she is thinking about me, all I hear is material stuff relating to the house etc.

I am open to the idea of R but I need to see some commitment before I am agreeing to anything.

I have no idea if I am handling this the right way, I guess time will tell......

Cheers
J


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Why are you thinking about "R" if she isn't?


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

inamessIconfess said:


> So the journey continues.....
> 
> We talked last weekend but unlike any previous talks.
> 
> ...


You are handling the situation wrong. Talk to an attorney. Get your daughter out of the POSOM's house. Stop acting like a doormat. Take action. Do what is needed to make yourself attractive to other women. Look out for yourself and for your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Still fishing texts on her part trying to get some validation or confidence that *she can leave him and have me there to accept her with open arms*.


*HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED that YOU are Plan B????*

*IF she really loved YOU*, she would have left his house for her parents' place or her own place. BUT SHE DIDN'T.

She will leave OM and come home to YOU (lucky guy!) only if/when you tell her that ALL IS FORGIVEN. We're going to start ALL OVER. We're going to sweep all this nasty affair, under the rug. Hey, Hubby, just HAND ME my laundry list of new behaviors, and I'll do them. Yeah, right!

1.) She will leave OM (the one she's been screwing) ONLY if she's got someone else (um, maybe YOU) to pay her bills, and take care of her problems. SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP.

2.) She is looking for a laundry list of behaviors she has to work on. She will argue with you continually about the list (I AM working on #2,3,5...I already DO #1,4,8....hey, you never put THAT on the list, that doesn't count...you can't be changing the rules!) Why does she need a list to tell her how to behave? SHE NEEDS COUNSELING.

3.) If she hasn't acknowledged what her OWN problems are and started working on them, another AFFAIR is around the corner. Is your daughter going to be dragged over there to live with that guy, too, for a while? TELL YOUR WIFE TO GET HER AZZ INTO I.C. before she permanently SCREWS UP your daughter.

*Move forward with the separation and file for divorce.*

After 6 months:
If your wife is still unwilling to seek IC help, or is not making real progrss, then you should finalize the divorce.

If your wife is seeking help, but either of you is no longer interested in making the marriage work, then finalize the divorce.

If your wife is seeking help, making good progress (according to her therapist...not according to wife) and you both want to make the marriage work, then enter MC and put the divorce on hold. *BUT*, only do this AFTER she has PROVEN to you (and your daughter) that she is making REAL, SIGNIFICANT, PERMANENT changes.


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## newpath2012 (Apr 25, 2012)

This is from Oprah's Master Class (wish I had come across this sooner): "When people show you who they are, believe them."


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Why are you thinking about "R" if she isn't?



As usual Conrad you have an uncanny knack for saying the most, with the fewest words. 

I only started to think about R when she did an about turn and started 'talking' about us again. When she 'talks' there are things she says that do make me think she is serious but as you say, "Judge me by what I do and not what I say".

I have been as clear as I can with her, I won't wait forever that is for sure.

Cheers
J


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Inmygut
I am looking after me and I don't feel at all like I am being a doormat. This is just taking a little longer than I expected to pan out.

Cheers
J


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED that YOU are Plan B????*
> 
> *IF she really loved YOU*, she would have left his house for her parents' place or her own place. BUT SHE DIDN'T.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for this, it makes good reading. She is sorting IC, so she tells me anyway, and does acknowledge she has problems. It is a case of action and words though, so time will tell.

My gut tells me it is too early to file for divorce but I think before too much longer I will be taking steps to move things along again. At the moment I have applied no time scales to her sorting herself out and leaving him, but fairly soon I will if I see no positive action on her part.

Cheers
J


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

So time has passed and much has happened, I thought I would just bring folk up to speed on where I currently am and also I hope it helps to write it down because I am struggling a bit today if I am honest....

So last Friday my wife called and begged me to move her out of her BFs house and into her mother's. It was late on a Friday night and our daughter was upstairs asleep. At first I said no but then after repeated calls from her I arranged a sitter and drove down to move her out. Two very large and long trips later and the majority of her stuff is in my garage and day to day stuff is at her mother's, I got to bed around 00:30.

So this seems like real progress finally after many months of her living with him but I am not happy about it. Perhaps I was in denial about what was going on, perhaps I really do not see me taking her back ever but our daughter is so central to my thoughts, I feel duty bound to try.

The last couple of days have been really tough as my daughter is not sleeping well at her mother's and my wife sees fit to take it out on me for making it difficult for her to return to the marital home. She thinks I should move out and let the pair of them move back in. If I do this I know I will never move back into the house again and probably won't see a penny until our daughter turns 18.

She has really been turning up the wick in terms of trying to show me she cares about me and showing me her desire to be back together. It is all just words to me though and for the most part not welcome ones. I feel genuinely torn, how on earth do I figure out what I want to do?

I have had several opportunities to say to her "It's over" or "There is no way back for us" but I constantly hesitate and struggle to make a positive decision.

I am truly lost and cannot see what to do, if I take her back will it work, can I move on and grow to love her again. Certainly at the moment I avoid her hugs and eye contact, I certainly don't crave her company and do not miss her when she is not around. Are these just symptoms of the hurt she has caused or genuine reasons not to be together any more?


So very very confused and unhappy right now 
J


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you think it's a wise move to reward her affair with posOM by letting her have the house?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Absolutely not and the one thing I am hanging on to through all of this is the house. It may turn out to be in vain but I don't see why she should end up with everything, it is the one thing I am making a stand on, I did not deserve any of this and I will not come out with nothing if I can help it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

By taking her back into the house you just lost every hope of getting a decent child custody, as a dad. Good luck with that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> Absolutely not and the one thing I am hanging on to through all of this is the house. It may turn out to be in vain but I don't see why she should end up with everything, it is the one thing I am making a stand on, I did not deserve any of this and I will not come out with nothing if I can help it.


How old are both of you?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

I am 40 and she is 36.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

inamessIconfess said:


> I am 40 and she is 36.


I take it she's very attractive?

How old is your daughter?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I take it she's very attractive?
> 
> She was but has let her self go a bit.
> 
> How old is your daughter?


My daughter is 2 and a half.

Cheers
J


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

inamessIconfess said:


> So time has passed and much has happened, I thought I would just bring folk up to speed on where I currently am and also I hope it helps to write it down because I am struggling a bit today if I am honest....
> 
> So last Friday my wife called and begged me to move her out of her BFs house and into her mother's. It was late on a Friday night and our daughter was upstairs asleep. At first I said no but then after repeated calls from her I arranged a sitter and drove down to move her out. Two very large and long trips later and the majority of her stuff is in my garage and day to day stuff is at her mother's, I got to bed around 00:30.
> 
> ...


WOW! I can understand the "unhappy" (under the circumstances), so let's work on "confused".

1. Do NOT let her move back into the marital home, period. She is using your daughter to gain leverage. Your daughter can stay in the home WITH YOU. Your WS need not be there.

2. Sadly it's all about the comfort and support and NOT about her desire to reconcile with you. From what you have said, you know this is true in your heart. You can't make it work all by yourself. She is not remorseful, just technically "homeless". 

3. You are the "back-up plan". It didn't work with her OM, and now she wants to fall back to you. Can you not see this? Do you really believe that she will never cheat on you again, once she is back into the home? The next time (and there will be a next time), she will have a foothold into the marital home with your daughter, and it will be you who either accepts her affairs or moves out. She wins. She know this.

4. Yes. This is difficult for your daughter. No doubt about it. Many families have been disrupted in the same manner yours has. You love her. You WS loves her. Your daughter needs stability in that she can depend on one of you to be her "rock". You can be that person without your WS. There is no reason for her to use your daughter to get a foothold back into your home. You WS should certainly have quality visitation with your daughter, however exposing your daughter to a dysfunctional family unit should not be an option. There is no need to take your WS back into your home for your daughter's sake. I would think that your daughter sleeps well in her own bed, in the house with you, with or without her mother being there, right?

5. Of course your WS is turning up the affection to get back with you. Again, you are her sole "back up plan" and she needs to convince you that she has mended her ways to get back into the home. However, at no time during her bout with living with the OW, did she "see the light", right? It's only because her other option is her Mom's house, right? Don't be fooled by the sudden charm. If you refuse to allow her back, watch how quickly her attitude changes.

Stand firm. Look out for yourself and your daughter. Don't let your WS manipulate you into acting against your own gut feelings. I hope you find the strength to do what is right. We are rooting for you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Swife,

Perfect summary. No way to add anything constructive to it.

I'm sure it felt great to move her out of posOM's place.

Yet, it would have been so much better if SHE had done it without experiencing any difficulties with posOM.


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Cheers guys, really appreciate the support.
Things are afoot, more has happened, I will explain in a day or two.


J


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