# Been 9 years and Can't Cope Anymore



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Hello,

I met my girlfriend in grad school and we kicked it off and dated for two years when the economy crashed. OUr first year was good, the second year not so much. I stopped being emotionally invested in the relationship and pulled away sexually. We decided to leave the midwest and move to a city where she would continue course work and i would look for a job. It was a career based decision since there wasn't much for us where we were. 

At that point, we hadn't had sex in like 6 months and we were both mid-20s. We had come close to breaking up before moving, but ultimately stuck it out. 
Anyway, she meets someone in like the first month, and has a 1 week fling. They have sex twice as i come to learn later. I find out through a person in the program (a true saint) and WWIII erupts. I kicked her to the curb and told her that I don't want anything to do with her.

I was in a new city, with no job and no cash, and she begged me to stay. A couple of nights after, we talk and she breaks down and tells me how she has been feeling. It was true stuff. She felt i was biding my time to leave and find someone else, she felt she wasn't attractive since I wasn't touching her etc. She wasn't blaming me, just explaining why she liked the attention the guy gave her. She broke of all contact with the guy and I do believe he meant nothing. He sent her a bitter email a week later or so which she showed me. She became transparent, all email passwords, phone etc. 

She also told me a lot about her past behavior and how she's acted like spoiled brat in previous relationships. Anyway. I move out for a month and go stay with a buddy a few states away just to clear my head. She sent me daily emails with her schedule, what she was doing, and she was friends with the saint that sent me the email alerting me. 

I decide to come back, partly because I don't have a job and no money and she seemed remorseful and I acknowledged that I treated her poorly and really was close to breaking up with her. The revelations and complete honesty displayed afterwards was pretty nice and revealed a vulnerable and good person. Of course she had to prove to me whether I can trust her. I told her

Over the past 9 years I cheated once with a woman i met soon after the fling (about 3 months) No sex, but pretty much everything else.
My GF has been faithful, kind and transparent and has never given me a reason to doubt her remorse. I know she absolutely hates what she did and tears up when talking about it and still fears that i'll walk out the door. Recently I was triggered again by something random and I have been in this state for 2 months. Debating whether to dump her. She reminds me that it was 9 years ago, that our relationship has been the best its ever been etc. It's true, we're a good couple. We did go through dry spells of sex, mostly because I developed a bit of a porn habit, but over the past year rediscovered our sex drive and have doing quite well in the bedroom.

I know that she loves me, that she is remorseful but I somehow can't seem to get passed what she did. She's changed, been through therapy. I had recently asked her to marry me and the wedding date is approaching. Only one friend knows what she did (my best friend) who was understanding. I just keep wondering what my other friends would think of me marrying someone that cheated on me. I know it was early in our relationship and I know that I was a **** to her. But still...you don't go and cheat. 

I wake up next to her, seeing the fear in her eyes of me leaving, but also the love and devotion. I mean I've acknowledged that she loves me more than I love her. I think the cheating was a way of trying to restore the equilibrium. I've never been an emotional person. But the waves, they keep crashing. I Go to work thinking that I love her and come back home wondering whether i should call off the wedding. 

That felt amazing to write it all down, thanks for listening.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Does she know you cheated as well?

Also, by your description, “everything but sex” sounds like it probably included oral.

Which _is_ sex.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hoblob said:


> I just keep wondering what my other friends would think of me marrying someone that cheated on me.


Irrelevant. The real question is what would YOU think of you.



hoblob said:


> she's acted like spoiled brat in previous relationships.


Dr. Phil so correctly says, ""..the most reliable predictor of a person's future behavior is relevant past behavior...".


----------



## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

hoblob said:


> Hello,
> 
> We did go through dry spells of sex, mostly because I developed a bit of a porn habit, but over the past year rediscovered our sex drive and have doing quite well in the bedroom.


So I take that to mean you were constantly rubbing one off watching porn and as a result left the twin tanks empty for her? :scratchhead:


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There is so much dysfunction in your post. You seem to be in complete denial about your own issues and are focused on something she did almost ten years ago. You need therapy and you need to break up and move apart from your girlfriend. You are not a good match for each other and you clearly need to do some deep personal introspection and work in your own life.

Don't waste another year. Talk to your girlfriend and have as amicable split as possible.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Did you fully restore equilibrium by telling her that you cheated?
So both cheated the other and the other knows? Or did you keep yours a secret?

On the one hand, I dont know if i could ever trust someone that cheated on me... On the other, you cheated on her

So maybe your perfect for eachother


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

No sex happened, no oral. It was a heavy make out session and it was a rebound. It made me feel good and allowed me to continue on with my girlfriend. She knows. I recently told her about it.

Yes - I have my own issues and I am trying to work on them. She knows about my issues.
We actually have been a good match since the cheating. We make each other laugh, we have a great partnership and extreme love for each other. I've learned to become more outgoing and more emotional with her. We learned to communicate better with each other. We talk daily and never get sick of each other. She's my best friend. 

Maybe we need to be apart. I don't know. But I don't want to be apart. I do love her and do have my own issues with insecurity and being judged by others, despite acting the opposite way.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hoblob said:


> No sex happened, no oral. It was a heavy make out session and it was a rebound.


Full disclosure: if it were your girlfriend posting this (on your behalf), we’d all be calling bull**** on it.

But sure, we’ll just believe that.



hoblob said:


> *It made me feel good and allowed me to continue on with my girlfriend.* She knows. I recently told her about it.


Careful — this is the same rationale your girlfriend used to justify cheating.

Until you’ve _both_ grown beyond the inability to deal with your issues like grown adults, neither of you is a good candidate for marriage.

Has your personal financial situation changed at all? Are you still broke with no job, nowhere to go, etc? If not, get to work on that ASAP.

Take a week away from your girlfriend to get some perspective. If, at the end of the week, you feel that you can’t put this to rest and move forward in a healthy way, make a clean break.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

I have a job. Finances are in order and I've considered leaving for a month to deal with it. She doesn't like it but supports it. 
It's just tough. We've built an entire life together in the past 9 years, but things got really good 5 or so years ago. I just don't know whether to throw in the towel or not, because it wouldn't be leaving because i resent or despise her. What she did is the biggest regret of her life. Carrying on a week long fling, including lies to me. I know its remorse, regret, and all of the above. 

I do have deep self-esteem issues and do care more than I should about the thoughts of others. IE why did he take her back, why did he stay. Something I know shouldn't matter because she's been a great partner since, but I have recently been increasingly looking at the negatives


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I still question the choice of the two of you getting married, knowing about the weakness each of

you have for attention from the opposite sex. What will happen after the wedding when one or both

of you feel "your needs aren't being met?" 

There will be temptation everywhere..... but..but my spouse isn't really -hot- doesn't matter...

A marriage today already has one strike against it making the full ride.... you and her have two

and Clayton Kershaw is on the mound and is having one of his best days.

"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell"


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> I still question the choice of the two of you getting married, knowing about the weakness each of
> 
> you have for attention from the opposite sex.


That's fair. But we have been faithful to each other for 8 years. No one has done anything to hurt the other. Even though I didn't tell her about my cheating, I still rejected women in other situations because of the relationship.

I've grown and I am not looking to destroy the remaining things that we've built for a some bs emotions or a quickie.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hoblob said:


> No sex happened, no oral. It was a heavy make out session and it was a rebound. It made me feel good and allowed me to continue on with my girlfriend. She knows. I recently told her about it.
> 
> Yes - I have my own issues and I am trying to work on them. She knows about my issues.
> We actually have been a good match since the cheating. We make each other laugh, we have a great partnership and extreme love for each other. I've learned to become more outgoing and more emotional with her. We learned to communicate better with each other. We talk daily and never get sick of each other. She's my best friend.
> ...


*Even heavy making-out requires a huge emotional and physical investment!

From a relationship standpoint, I truly believe that you two are not very well suited for each other, and as such, should strive to end this untrusting relationship, that's apparently going absolutely nowhere!*


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Break up with her and allow her to find a man who actually loves her and wants to commit to her.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

hoblob said:


> Yes - I have my own issues and I am trying to work on them. She knows about my issues.
> We actually have been a good match since the cheating. We make each other laugh, we have a great partnership and extreme love for each other. I've learned to become more outgoing and more emotional with her. We learned to communicate better with each other. We talk daily and never get sick of each other. She's my best friend.


All that matters is that you have not been able to let go of her infidelity and it bothers you so much that you are here nine years later, asking strangers what to do. Yet, when the core issue is addressed you make excuses about how good you are together. Your relationship is rotten at the core, because you carry unforgiveness against her that you will not let go. Unless you forgive her and deal with the underlying issues that you have, you will never be happy.

This is not going away unless you deal with it now. If you cannot go on without this on your mind, you will never be happy with this woman and therefore she will not truly be happy or secure with you either. You are torturing both of you over this.

Furthermore, you are extremely minimizing what you did. Not only that, but you held onto it for years. You've had your revenge, but apparently it's not enough for you despite what a good woman you say she is. That one thing was a deal breaker for you, yet you cannot seem to let go. Whether you realize it or not, you are holding this over her and unless you can truly knock it off and fully have her back, there is no point in marrying her or even staying with her at all.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

You're really glossing over your own infidelity. Not only did you cheat on her, you kept it hidden for years. You did this 9 years ago and felt justified hiding it for years while you hung her infidelity over her head. 

She probably made no big deal about it when you finally told her because you minimized your actions and she still feels so terrible about what she's done that she probably felt you were justified...

You two need counselling to address her infidelity, your infidelity, your inability to forgive her and your insecurity.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

hoblob,

Did you confront or expose the OM?

Does the OM still live close?

Tamat


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have buyer's remorse with her. This won't just go away. You don't really want to stay with her forever and she senses that. Neither one of you should fall for the sunk cost fallacy - just because you've been together a long time, it doesn't mean that the years were wasted if you walk away now. The length of your R shouldn't be a reason in itself to stay.

And you say that she believes that she is more in love with you than you are with her. If you can't let her go, then I hope that she finds the self-respect to find a man who will reciprocate her love.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hoblob said:


> I have a job. Finances are in order and I've considered leaving for a month to deal with it. She doesn't like it but supports it.
> It's just tough. We've built an entire life together in the past 9 years, but things got really good 5 or so years ago. I just don't know whether to throw in the towel or not, because it wouldn't be leaving because i resent or despise her. What she did is the biggest regret of her life. Carrying on a week long fling, including lies to me. I know its remorse, regret, and all of the above.
> 
> I do have deep self-esteem issues and do care more than I should about the thoughts of others. IE why did he take her back, why did he stay. Something I know shouldn't matter because she's been a great partner since, but I have recently been increasingly looking at the negatives


In all likelihood people will not give two good darns about you and your girlfriend.

And why are you so hung up on what others think of you? I think counselling for you is in order.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

I guess I deserve this.
The make out session was with someone i had never met before and never saw again. 

The OM was not someone she saw again. She never contacted him again and I am not worried about him ever coming back. She didn't care for him. She cared for what he gave her, which was attention. Of course, she was so insecure she needed that to satisfy her needs. 
I know, i am hypocrite since I went around and cheated right after, but I think my situation is different. I did wait a long time to tell her. It helped me heal from her affair. 

I did seek therapy in the past to deal with my self-esteem issues, but i didn't go for long since my insurance barely covered anything and it isn't cheap if you want a decent therapist. 

She does sense that I don't want to stay, or that I have concerns. She fights hard to keep me, but I have also fought hard to keep her. Perhaps she still suffers from low self-esteem (she is seeing a therapist now) and maybe she will ter her to leave me. 

These are some eye opening responses. Thanks for the brutal honesty. I am also intending on going to therapy and have one lined up now.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@hoblob good luck to the both of you.

I hope you both make it.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Honestly I'm not seeing how marriage is going to solve your problem if it's been 9 years and you're still feeling this way. At the very least you should put the wedding on hold. All that's going to do is stress you out even more. Did you know you were feeling like this before you proposed? Or did you start feeling this way after you proposed?

It is possible that you just can't get past what she did. You say you had years to heal from her affair but you certainly don't sound healed.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

hoblob said:


> I know that she loves me, that she is remorseful but *I somehow can't seem to get passed what she did.* She's changed, been through therapy. I had recently asked her to marry me and the wedding date is approaching. *Only one friend knows what she did* (my best friend) who was understanding. *I just keep wondering what my other friends would think of me marrying someone that cheated on me. I know it was early in our relationship and I know that I was a **** to her. But still...you don't go and cheat. *


So you can't get past what _she _did, your BFF knows what _she _did, you worry what your other friends would think if they knew what _she _did.

What about what YOU did? Just as there was no justification for her cheating, there was also none for yours. Get happy or get out, but don't cheat.

Honestly, it's taken you 9 years to reach this point - marriage. If something takes you 9 years to talk yourself into doing, is it something you should be doing? I don't think so, certainly not with this girl.


----------



## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Some people just can't get beyond cheating. It really is that simple. Your logical mind may say that you have had almost a decade of love, support and companionship but your lizard mind still know that she went off with some strange guy and did the dirty with him.

Before you marry I would strongly suggest you go to couples counselings and deal with this . Together.

Be specific about what you want to talk about. Often a trained person can break the cyclical thought patterns that you are almost certainly in which are holding you both back from making 

If she is not the most attractive woman to you. Cut her free. It is not fair on her for you loving her less. Seriously. The one you marry you should not be able to take your eyes offa you.

No judgement here. You both sound like you are hurt. Just make the appointment!


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I know you both have 9 years invested. 

That is alot of time.

But you are not crazy in love with her. You are not crazy about her. You admit she loves you more. That is not good. 

She cheated on you and you have not gotten over it. That is understandable. 

Yes you did cheat on her as pay backs. Not good.

Are you both even now? 

No.


Marriage has its highs and lows.

And its not always about the "So In LOVE" or the "Crazy about each other" feelings. 

It is about friendship, love, sex, building a life together, maybe kids for most, but there are highs and lows. When the lows come that is when you buckle down and honor the Commitment.


The thing is though, you two aren't married. I am very pro marriage and very hesitant to recommend divorce. 

But think about it, 9 years and no marriage?

It seems as if this was what you really wanted to do, this would of been done 5-6 years ago.


My hubby and I have been together for 12 years married coming up next month, + another 18 months together before then.

We have had highs, we have had lows. We have had good times, and bad times. Life has thrown some crazy stuff at us. 

But through it all, I am crazy about him. He is crazy about me. We want to be right by each others sides til we die.

This man is my rock. 

He keeps me sane.

There is no one I would rather have by my side then him. 

There are times I love him so much I am just overwhelmed with happiness and love for him, there are other times he gets so hardheaded and drives me crazy and I want to strangle him.


I am more in love with him now then I was back when I married him. 

It's a deeper love. There is a proven track record now of love, trust, friendship, commitment. 

We have been thru alot and there is alot of love there, knowing someone has been right by my side through some of the Best and alot of the Worst times in my life, and knowing he has done everything he could to help me get through it. (And I have been there for him too.)

It's amazing.

I wouldn't trade him for 100 million bucks.

This man is everything to me. He is my heart and my soul. 


I am not hearing that from you.

This woman should be everything to you. And it doesn't seem like she is.

You need to take some time and evaluate your life. 

ARe you better off with her or without her?

IS she better off with you or without you?


I understand she cheated and that is horrible. Very much a deal breaker.

But it has been 8 years? And I am not trying to minimalize. I can understand not being able to get over something like that. 

But if it has been 8 years and you are not able to get past it?

You may never be able to get past it.

ANd that is ok. It is understadable.

But you holding it over her head and not loving her enough or whatever.

Is it fair to her?

Maybe you should let her go?


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Does she know you cheated as well?
> 
> Also, by your description, “everything but sex” sounds like it probably included oral.
> 
> Which _*is*_ sex.


"That depends on what your definition of 'is' is."
-William Jefferson Clinton

:wink2::wink2::wink2::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

It is patently obvious that you have not forgiven her fling, and because you were not having sex with her at the time, you resent the hell out of her. Time has not healed this wound. I think that you still resent her, that is why you made an abortive revenge attempt. Bottom line, you need therapy, you need to lose the anger and resentment. OK, she had sex with someone while you were together, and not having sex. What do you want to do, nine years down the road?

Separation might be good, but I am hesitant to recommend anything without a solid plan in place. Why do you think separation is right? Does it punish your wife? Does it give you opportunities to have revenge on her? (Sorry dude, but been around this for a long time, and my warning light goes on during separations, that is where fidelity goes out the window-FOR BOTH PARTIES) 

I seriously recommend couples counselling before making any decisions. Go into this with full knowledge, as you may end your marriage, and then realize that was not the intention.


----------



## Coach23 (Mar 16, 2018)

If your not head over heals in love with this girl, then you need to move on. If you don't love her with all your heart you won't treat her the way she deserves to be treated. It's not fair to you or to her. She deserves to be with someone that loves her as much as she loves you. It's a tough thing to do, but come on man. Cut the girl loose for her sake.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You pulled away emotionally and sexually very early in the relationship. You've both been unfaithful. You've apparently also made the relationship sexless, or at least low-sex, a number of times since then. You hid your own infidelity from her for years, while holding hers over her head. You admit she loves you more than you love her and that you aren't sure about marrying her. And, to top all that off, you're concerned what your friends would think if they knew you were marrying someone who cheated on you. What about what her friends would think if they knew _she_ was marrying someone who cheated on _her_?

Honestly, you two are a slow-motion train wreck. You clearly aren't all that into her sexually. You keep making the relationship sexless, and have done for years. You have both cheated. You haven't forgiven her and you don't really love her deeply. There's nothing here to save. Split up amicably now, while you're both young enough to find partners you can be compatible and happy with.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

It isn't entirely true that I haven't "gotten over it". We buried the issue and i didn't think about it for years until closer to the wedding when something made me trigger. I asked her about more details of what happened and she reluctantly agreed to tell me. Telling me how they made out at the bar and then over the course of the week, while i was home, had sex with him.

I, now, feel like crap about her and about us. I then proceeded to tell her how i cheated on her but it wasn't a thing were i met up with the person again. Just to put it all out there.

I agree i need to either settle this issue in my mind or move on. She does deserve it. She has been a good partner since that happened 9 years ago, swearing to never hurt me again and to do everything in her powers to make me feel good, even though the first couple of years after were bumpy. 
Now that i have found my foothold, i am not sure whether I should stay. Part of me feels bad since she is in her mid-30s now and has dedicated much of her time to me. I agree that i should either stay and try to make it work or cut my losses but it isn't that easy. I don't hate her for what she did and i very much love her, but I am not sure whether i am just too resentful to stay. 


TAxman: We have spoken about separation, but again, the dating aspect is an issue. I don't necessarily want to date around, but it is on the table. She says she won't, she feels guilty for what she did and perhaps she wants me to "get even". 

I don't agree that we're toxic. We are a good partnership...but perhaps we are not meant to be and are trying to force a square peg into a round hole.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hoblob said:


> It isn't entirely true that I haven't "gotten over it". We buried the issue and i didn't think about it for years until closer to the wedding when something made me trigger. I asked her about more details of what happened and she reluctantly agreed to tell me. Telling me how they made out at the bar and then over the course of the week, while i was home, had sex with him.
> 
> I, now, feel like crap about her and about us. I then proceeded to tell her how i cheated on her but it wasn't a thing were i met up with the person again. Just to put it all out there.
> 
> ...


I’ll warn you now —

You’ll NEVER get “even”.

And even if you do, it won’t ever be “even” _enough_.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> I’ll warn you now —
> 
> You’ll NEVER get “even”.
> 
> And even if you do, it won’t ever be “even” _enough_.


I know. There is no even in cheating. There never is. I think she senses me wanting an out and giving me a soft out, maybe that ill come to my senses and choose her. But i also think guilt about her cheating. 

I also feel that most posters are already finding me to the aggressor here, which is something i've felt over the years. I haven't been able to reciprocate the love that she's shown on many levels. It's eaten me up inside. But I do love her. How much love is enough...i dont know.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

All I can tell you is marriage is sacred and should not be taken lightly. You are nowhere ready or mature enough for marriage as you continually hold this over her head, whether you verbally express it or not. Marriage is not going to fix this problem, and you'll be looking at divorce down the road. A member tells the story of his daughter's coworker who cheated on the fiance. She confessed days before the wedding and, instead of calling off the wedding, the guy went through with it. Months later, he left her and filed for divorce. Point being, if you have any doubt at all - and you have huge doubts - DO NOT GET MARRIED! 

If you truly love her, then do what's best for her - by letting her go to find a good man who will make her happy. Love is one-tenth words and nine-tenth action.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

hoblob said:


> I know. There is no even in cheating. There never is. I think she senses me wanting an out and giving me a soft out, maybe that ill come to my senses and choose her. But i also think guilt about her cheating.
> 
> I also feel that most posters are already finding me to the aggressor here, which is something i've felt over the years. I haven't been able to reciprocate the love that she's shown on many levels. It's eaten me up inside. *But I do love her*. How much love is enough...i dont know.


Are you sure of that? You are still carrying around her rocks.... that were formed when she cheated.

Did you cheat thinking it would absolve that bag of rocks? Tell her of your foray BUT tell her why.

Would you have done that if she never cheated?

See... and this is nothing against you OP.... but so many younger couples now try to play

tit for tat and where does that get you? It is nothing but a urinating contest. Even if you win, 

what have you won?


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

You're always gonna wonder if the right guy comes along at a time when you two aren't getting along that she will be a panty dropper all over again. Now granted, you two weren't married when this went down, but you definitely should consider full and open premarital counseling - to air this out and get it all on the table. And you have to come clean on any of your indiscretions.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

As in Baseball... lets look at the Box Score.

9 years together?
Not married.
Assume, hopefully no kids together?
You breakup, you get back together. 
She cheats, you cheat. 
You both have currently and in the past shown serious relationship reservations.

And NOW you are thinking about Marriage?

Say WHAT! I would feel more confident taking 1000:1 odds on a plow mule at the Track.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I guess maybe I'm the only one here who thinks that you basically begged your girlfriend to cheat on you.

No one in her twenties should be expected to go six months celibate. She should have kicked your sorry butt to the curb instead. She didn't, and now you seem to want to stand on some moral high ground over her actions that you basically then replicated.

Oi. Doesn't sound much like a match made in heaven to me.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I guess maybe I'm the only one here who thinks that you basically begged your girlfriend to cheat on you.
> 
> No one in her twenties should be expected to go six months celibate. She should have kicked your sorry butt to the curb instead. She didn't, and now you seem to want to stand on some moral high ground over her actions that you basically then replicated.
> 
> Oi. Doesn't sound much like a match made in heaven to me.


No, I agree with you. In general I don't see revenge affairs as being on the same level as the affair that caused it, but if you cut your spouse off you shouldn't really be surprised.

The cheating never fixes anything, but I understand how it happens.

OP, you strike me as someone with a victim mentality who greatly minimizes his own actions.

And refusing sex for 6 months is a jerk move. 

However, you aren't required to get past her cheating. I really think you'd be doing her a huge favor by breaking it off. The days before the wedding should be a time of tremendous bliss.....it doesn't get better after that. 

But do try counseling first, so you don't have to wonder.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> No, I agree with you. In general I don't see revenge affairs as being on the same level as the affair that caused it, but if you cut your spouse off you shouldn't really be surprised.
> 
> The cheating never fixes anything, but I understand how it happens.
> 
> ...



I never said that i didn't understand her stance for being angry at me. Had she broken up with me and said these are reason for that, then great. But don't go behind my back and cheat and make a fool of me. I may have been a coward for not addressing the reasons i stopped f###ing her, but nothing I did should have led her to cheat. She was just a damn coward and a liar. It was how she dealt with pressure and fears. She's admitted to it in the past. I do love her and don't want to break it off after investing so much time into our relationship and growing.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Train. Wreck. 

Seriously.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

DO NOT GET MARRIED... You guys are nowhere near a stable relationship. What kind of counseling are you guys doing as of right now? Do you have a faith set or pastor type of person involved? You two are in obvious need of some outside help. Even if you don't stay together, you need to learn boundaries, sexual health, respect and self love. You two obviously don't have it.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

I think people can relax about the "do not marry". It's happening. We realized our issues too late and everything is in place. 
We're not having kids though, so i am not too worried about the legally bound aspect (unless you're religious) which we are not. So its just on paper.

Yeah, we're unstable. Yeah, i'm insecure about myself in this relationship. I don't know why. I know she loves me and felt during the time of the affair that i wasn't attracted to her in the least bit since i didn't touch her. I hate myself for doing that to her, and that i facilitated the cheating. Again, she had a choice, and chose wrong. THat is up to her and her low self-esteem and low morals at the time. She's worked hard to fix that. But now, I'm wondering if the grass is greener. Maybe its cold feet (what i have describes it quite well) but I know that I don't want to lose her.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Fine get married, but you are going into this marriage with both eyes wide open, you are going into this realizing that you are marrying someone who needs attention and in the future when you are busy at work and not attentive that she will find someone else again.....then you have no one to blame but yourself.....because you knew what you married before you said "i do"...at that point i suggest you live your life as a cockold man. Because your not going anywhere, you just proved that


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Fine get married, but you are going into this marriage with both eyes wide open, you are going into this realizing that you are marrying someone who needs attention and in the future when you are busy at work and not attentive that she will find someone else again.....then you have no one to blame but yourself.....because you knew what you married before you said "i do"...at that point i suggest you live your life as a cockold man. Because your not going anywhere, you just proved that


She hasn't strayed in 9 years and I actually haven't been the most attentive. IF she ends up cheating again, then we'll get a divorce. It's really not about her commitment in this relationship, its about my commitment. Try following the thread if you're going to throw around insults, and the word is cuckold and I am certainly not into watching her get f###ed by other men.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

hoblob said:


> She hasn't strayed in 9 years and I actually haven't been the most attentive. IF she ends up cheating again, then we'll get a divorce. It's really not about her commitment in this relationship, its about my commitment. Try following the thread if you're going to throw around insults, and the word is cuckold and I am certainly not into watching her get f###ed by other men.


But the fact that you are here, the fact that after 9 years this still troubles you, that you are still not over it...tells me you have doubt. you can call it what you want but you still have doubt...and with doubt comes this little voice inside you head that says maybe i shouldn't marry her. Sorry if you are offended but in my eyes your walking in full well what she is capable of and has done in the past.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Popism........ "This is a F-up waiting to happen."

Are you marrying her to prove something? To right, a previous wrong?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hoblob said:


> I never said that i didn't understand her stance for being angry at me. Had she broken up with me and said these are reason for that, then great. But don't go behind my back and cheat and make a fool of me. I may have been a coward for not addressing the reasons i stopped f###ing her, but nothing I did should have led her to cheat. She was just a damn coward and a liar. It was how she dealt with pressure and fears. She's admitted to it in the past. I do love her and don't want to break it off after investing so much time into our relationship and growing.


And nothing that she did should have led you to stop having sex with he for 6 months. This is a form of emotional infidelity that is not acceptable. 

Was your withdrawing from sex back then due to porn just as your more resent withdrawal?

If you cannot forgive her after 9 years, then you have no business marrying her. She has proven for 9 years that she learned an important lesson and is a better person for it. But you cannot let go. Why? When a person holds on to something like this for so long it's because it serves them well, it give them something to beat their partner over the head with and to feel superior to their partner.

You should let her go. She'll get over this and hopefully find someone who can love her.

And some day I hope you can learn to love, not with hold sex and not use porn to the point to hurting your partner. You are making excuses for your transgressions and holding on to hers to use against her when it serves you.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

hoblob said:


> I have a job. Finances are in order and I've considered leaving for a month to deal with it. She doesn't like it but supports it.
> It's just tough. We've built an entire life together in the past 9 years, but things got really good 5 or so years ago. I just don't know whether to throw in the towel or not, because it wouldn't be leaving because i resent or despise her. What she did is the biggest regret of her life. Carrying on a week long fling, including lies to me. I know its remorse, regret, and all of the above.
> 
> I do have *deep self-esteem issues* and do care more than I should about the thoughts of others. IE why did he take her back, why did he stay. Something I know shouldn't matter because she's been a great partner since, but I have recently been increasingly looking at the negatives


And how does having deep self esteem issues make you prepared for marriage? It doesn't.

I wouldn't recommend marriage for either of you until you have both grown up. It's tough enough for emotionally mature, well sorted people.

Go see a counselor and work on yourself.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

I'm getting battered on here. 
I am not on here to seek sympathy. I am just frustrated at the situation I am. It's not like I have harbored ill will towards her for 9 years. The vast majority of the time, I didn't think of the A. I had put it past me. But the last 3 months, with the wedding approaching, I have felt the resentment bubbling up. We didn't deal well with it 9 years ago and rugswept it. 
I understand my problems that led to her cheating. She felt ugly, disconnected, unwanted and I was distant. I was dealing with my own problems and we didn't communicate. 
It sucks. Every day I wish I could go back and change my behavior. But over the past 9 years our relatonship has been majority good. But I am just not sure whether I can give her my all now. And I agree. She deserves happiness and will make someone else happy. She has changed a ton, she has matured beyond belief and she deserves someone to love and respect her and not hold something over her head (Which i didn't do over the past 8 years) But over the past 2 months, we've hit a low point in our relationship and I haven't let go of the issue. 

I feel humiliated, and even though, barely anyone knows, I feel like everyone knows and I am embarrassed of making the next step and it isn't fair to her. She has been a good partner and has helped me achieve new heights in my career by always being there. She is a changed person but there is a part of me that doesn't see and I hold on to the betrayal, thinking about the lies during the week. I know i made her feel like crap before the affair simply by ignoring her needs. I was selfish and in turn she became as well. Her therapist told her that she her cheating was a protest action, sleeping with him in spite of me. 

I'm seeing my therapist next week to see how to combat what is going on my head and why I am concentrating on all the negative stuff. I know she is afraid that i'll cheat or leave her and I hate to instill that type of fear in her. I just wanted to see if anyone had tips on how to let go of the past and not to dwell in it. I know that someone mentioned that i may have a victim mentality...which isn't totally accurate, but i do have some of the traits after consulting google. Maybe my therapist will think differently.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's so hard to leave a long-term relationship. I think we all understand that. We also all know that relationships are never all good or all bad.

That being said, all someone like myself can do is tell you what I think based on my own experience of human nature and behavior. And that is that you clearly have serious misgivings - at best.

Look, for some people infidelity is simply a dealbreaker. You have elements of that in your posts. At the same time, you went on to much better years with your fiancee, so you think it shouldn't break the deal. So, not all bad, not all good. You are afraid that your marriage will be doomed by your feelings & I think that is a fair point. If you read the reconciliation boards on this site and others, you will see a lot of hand-wringing, doubt, and misgivings from betrayed spouses who stayed in their marriages. Certainly, not all feel this way, but many do. Your concerns are not unusual or trivial, therefore. You are not yet married, so you have a chance not to be in that position of misgiving that is so unfair to both you and your fiancee.

Why not postpone the wedding and take some time to find some clarity? In my opinion, it's more unfair to speak your vows feeling the way you do than to be still feeling this way after 9 years.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

alte Dame said:


> Why not postpone the wedding and take some time to find some clarity? In my opinion, it's more unfair to speak your vows feeling the way you do than to be still feeling this way after 9 years.


It's next month and there are simply too many people coming and too much money spent already. Not my money. I didn't want to have a big wedding. I wanted a courthouse wedding. So some of the resentment is coming from that. She now understands why. I agreed to it when we were still pretty good with each other. It's really not a big deal. Marriage means nothing to me really. We're not religious. It's really just a tax benefit for us. 

Yes. I do feel that her cheating was something that hurt beyond belief. I can understand her feelings. I stopped touching her and made her feel inadequate and really treated her poorly. Some of these traits I had with my ex before her. I worked hard to reform myself because I knew that i was not a considerate boyfriend. 
Of course, none of that excuses what she did. She understands that. She is remorseful. I can't really ask more of her at this point. She worked hard on herself and matured and I don't think it will happen ever again. The pain that she caused is etched in her mind forever, and having sat with her while she sobbed at times for causing me this pain, i understand how much she regrets it. 

But it doesn't change the humiliation I felt. Which is something I need to work on and why it's affecting me this much. It has been 9 years. We weren't in a good place in our relationship. I wasn't touching her. It's not like she denied me to be with someone else. But my ego and pride (can be dangerous in a relationship) are not letting it go that easily. I just have an intense fear of someone I know every finding this out. It's like carrying this burden. 

I've thought about leaving, but I honestly love her and many of her traits now that I will undoubtedly seek out someone like her.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

hoblob said:


> I've thought about leaving, but I honestly love her and many of her traits now that I will undoubtedly seek out someone like her.


Would it help to recognize that she has already done you as big a solid as you have her?

She should have dumped you. That you are still together today has as much to do with her grace and forgiveness as it does yours. You both screwed the pooch, and you both forgave the other.

At this point, I'd call you "even".

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Bottom line is...*



hoblob said:


> It's next month and there are simply too many people coming and too much money spent already. Not my money. I didn't want to have a big wedding. I wanted a courthouse wedding. So some of the resentment is coming from that. She now understands why. I agreed to it when we were still pretty good with each other. It's really not a big deal. Marriage means nothing to me really. We're not religious. It's really just a tax benefit for us.
> 
> Yes. I do feel that her cheating was something that hurt beyond belief. I can understand her feelings. I stopped touching her and made her feel inadequate and really treated her poorly. Some of these traits I had with my ex before her. I worked hard to reform myself because I knew that i was not a considerate boyfriend.
> Of course, none of that excuses what she did. She understands that. She is remorseful. I can't really ask more of her at this point. She worked hard on herself and matured and I don't think it will happen ever again. The pain that she caused is etched in her mind forever, and having sat with her while she sobbed at times for causing me this pain, i understand how much she regrets it.
> ...


Bottom line is... you have to make a decision. You either can live with what happened or you can't. 

And I will say this, just about the only reason that is in anyway viable is when one spouse does not meet the sexual needs of the other. I am in no way saying what she did was right, because cheating can never, ever, ever be justified. 

Maybe it can be understood. Maybe. But the thing is, she could have just left you. THAT would have been the right thing to do, but she choose to cheat. That is an issue. 

Now, since you choose to rug sweep what happened, that is even worse. 

If she is willing, you guys could start working on working through it, MC, continued IC, and on and on. 

And, with time, you might learn to live with it. But brother, you never get over it. You never get over the shame, and the pain never really goes away, you learn to live with it. 

But what you have to decide is if you think you can live with it. And sorry to say, you need to make that decision pretty freaking quick...


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Thanks for your input. I have a lot to think about. It has certainly been on my mind nonstop for 2 months now. 
Like I said, the last 8 years I haven't though a lot about it. I just proceeded to dig open the hole since it didn't heal properly and got it all out. Now I am afraid that I won't get past this. It's not that I don't care for her, or want to shackle her to a life where she'll be unhappy forever. Trust me. I am not a monster. I do love her and I want to have a life with her.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

The wedding can't be postponed BUT you can get divorced at any time. Nothing has changed except the wedding brought your buried hurt to the surface. 

She had an A. You did the same shortly after. Doesn't matter if it didn't 'go physical'. It's the breaking of the trust that does the damage. So you understand to some extent what drives someone to an A. She could have left you instead of having an A. You could have left her instead of having an A in return. It's not quite 'quits' of course but you did the same as she did when you felt rejected. 

You have all the power in this relationship. She must be loving, kind & supportive at all times to keep you & is possibly living in fear. I couldn't bear to be in that 'power over' position. Personally, after 9 years of doing 100% remorse as she has done, I'd leave you if I still felt insecure. She might tire of it down the track and dump you. You are assuming she'll always be there for you. Maybe, maybe not.

You're not 100% committed to this marriage. She is. 

I'll be honest, I think R rarely works. 
But in this case, I think she is truly remorseful and was so, right from the start. It's been 9 years. 
Remorse like that is quite rare. In your posts you say you love her and want a life with her. 
You two really do seem to love each other 100%. 

Forget about what people think. It won't change anything in your life. Of course you can leave her to keep your ego intact and get rid of the fear that people will find out. Ask yourself if that's your greatest pain? Ego is meaningless in the scheme of things. 

I agree with @BluesPower, I don't think anyone ever gets past an A. Rather than fighting it & trying to make the pain 'go away', in my opinion, acknowledging it & learning to accept it is the only thing that can be done. Also, perhaps you were both very young and immature at the time. How old were you guys? 

Maybe in the end, you are someone for whom an affair is a dealbreaker. 
Ultimately that's what you have to figure out. After the wedding, the divorce option is always there. 

Perhaps at your wedding, imagine how you would feel if she was marrying someone else and you were looking on. Imagine life without her by your side. I'll go out on a limb here to say that I think it can be a very happy day for you both. It's entirely and 100% up to you. My feeling is that you are a lucky man tbh .


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

********** said:


> The wedding can't be postponed BUT you can get divorced at any time. Nothing has changed except the wedding brought your buried hurt to the surface.
> 
> She had an A. You did the same shortly after. Doesn't matter if it didn't 'go physical'. It's the breaking of the trust that does the damage. So you understand to some extent what drives someone to an A. She could have left you instead of having an A. You could have left her instead of having an A in return. It's not quite 'quits' of course but you did the same as she did when you felt rejected.
> 
> ...


That was extremely insightful and honest and much of what you said is how i do feel. Divorce is always an option and yes, I do know what could have led to a more physical encounter. If I was at a house or a more secluded place we would have had sex. Now it was a month or two months after discovering her betrayal, but it's easy to get caught in this situation. I have had my opportunities since, but I never acted upon them, and I know she hasn't either. 

Finally, you're spot on. The ego is what is keeping me from fully committing. The fact that she made a fool of me. We had just graduated from grad school and were both 24 at the time. I think we've matured together and learned to love each other. After the cheating I found out a lot about her insecurities, self-esteem issues, and lying as a way of fitting in. I noticed these things earlier, mainly because I had similar traits. And while I do act high and mighty sometimes, I did have some wayward tendencies. We recognized how flawed we both were and how much we hid from each other about our true selves over fears that we would reject each other.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The way I see it, you have been in an undecided position for nine years. You have two choices, neither of which are good. You can leave her, which you may have to, as you cannot hold onto your anger forever. What would make this better? Will having a fling for a month make you feel better? Will swallowing your anger, and getting married be your solution? You are the only one doing this, and remember this, if you opt to get married, then you had better let go of what is holding you back.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

hoblob said:


> *Marriage means nothing to me really.* We're not religious. It's really just a tax benefit for us.


Unreal.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@hoblob
I'm no wise old owl, but for what it's worth, here's my opinion in response to your post.
24? Geez you were kids, though many may disagree. I agree you've matured together and it seems you've both developed strong values relationship-wise. 
But neither of you have matured enough as others have said:
-you care so much about what others think, the ego thing 
-you've been able to watch her in that fearful state for so long and haven't let her go which is cruel tbh, especially given her 100% remorse & love. 
-she has stayed with you and has lived in fear for so long, too long IMO. I'd have dumped you. 
To cut you some slack, which of us has fully matured. I have a theory that everyone needs therapy of one kind or another, regardless of their age :grin2:. 

If your ego is the reason for you not committing 100%, what people think (and they haven't even found out yet!) is more important to you than giving her 100% commitment so that she can stop living in fear. 
- meaning that other people's opinions are more important to you than her happiness 
- meaning that perhaps you don't love her as much as you think you do 
OK, she had an A & had her reason for doing so, but so did you for your own reason. I don't think the fact that your reason was a revenge/rebound matters much. Bottom line is that you were just as prepared to go as far as having an A as she was. But she hasn't beaten you over the head with it. In contrast, she has paid a very high price by not feeling secure for 9 years. Sheesh!

I'm very anti-R. I don't think I've ever suggested R on TAM. However, in your case, though I'm not 100% sure why, I think with therapy, individual and together - ASAP after you get married - you guys have a good chance :nerd:. 

PS Why do you think people are so interested in you and your relationship? I used to be like that but I came to realise that people are interested in their own lives and gossip about others lives - and that the gossip doesn't last very long. Yesterday's news. 

Good luck! :smthumbup:


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

We are to marry in a couple of months. So this will be our bias. There appears to be 2 trains of thought. Those who have felt the pain of infidelity may tell you it never goes away. Some decide stay and some do not. Peace can be found with either decision. Those who have inflicted the pain often tell you to get over it and will beat you over the head with every flaw you mention. Since all are opinions, we will render ours.

Do you need to be at peace with her infidelity before you marry? No you do not. Do you need to love her enough to marry this woman, flaws and all, and work things out together, Yes you do. If you love this woman enough to marry her, then be as open to her as she has been to you. Tell her everything, including your doubts because of the affair. Tell her life might be smooth for another 8 years, but something may happen and you trigger again. What is most important is that you tell her you love her enough to work thru this together. As husband and wife.

Can you give to her, in spite of the past. Can you give her not only your heart, but your time and patience.

You don't have to answer all the questions, but deep inside, you know the answer to most.

Blessings for your marriage.


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Elegirl
If you cannot forgive her after 9 years, then you have no business marrying her. She has proven for 9 years that she learned an important lesson and is a better person for it. But you cannot let go. Why? *

OP, this isn't about your girl. All of your doubt is about what you think, fear, feel inside of you. Work out those fears and feelings with someone like a counselor and until you have then worked out, postpone the wedding.

If 9 years of faithful behavior isn't enough to put the doubts to rest, I don't know anything that would work except some serious counseling.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Handy said:


> * Elegirl
> If you cannot forgive her after 9 years, then you have no business marrying her. She has proven for 9 years that she learned an important lesson and is a better person for it. But you cannot let go. Why? *
> 
> OP, this isn't about your girl. All of your doubt is about what you think, fear, feel inside of you. Work out those fears and feelings with someone like a counselor and until you have then worked out, postpone the wedding.
> ...


Though the wedding can't be postponed. . . Exactly @Handy and @EleGirl. Well said!


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

You were wrong to cut off sex with her.
She was wrong to have an affair.
What you sew you shall reap.

How come she has been good enough to live with for nine years
after D day though is not good enough to marry?

Will your life be better with her or without her?

If the answer is with than marry her.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

oldtruck said:


> You were wrong to cut off sex with her.
> She was wrong to have an affair.
> What you sew you shall reap.
> 
> ...


I think wrong to cut off sex doesn't equate to the emotional and psychological damage of finding out that she got her needs met elsewhere. I get what I did was wrong. I didn't know whether I wanted to stay with her and stopped putting on the moves on her. School, moving, a ton of stuff got in the way and the no sex part lasted a long time. She felt unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, and bewildered that her bf isn't complimenting or ****ing her. I get it. 
But now, after uncovering all this crap from 9 years ago, I am equally bewildered at how she acted back then. Perhaps my mind can't grasp how she could do something like that to a person that still cared for her. 

Yes. I do love her, and yes I do want to be with her. I am just afraid of the imbalance and whether my mind can accept it.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hoblob said:


> * I think it being wrong to cut off sex doesn't equate to the emotional and psychological damage of finding out that she got her needs met elsewhere.* I get what I did was wrong. I didn't know whether I wanted to stay with her and stopped putting on the moves on her. School, moving, a ton of stuff got in the way and the no sex part lasted a long time. She felt unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, and bewildered that her bf isn't complimenting or ****ing her. I get it.
> But now, after uncovering all this crap from 9 years ago, I am equally bewildered at how she acted back then. Perhaps my mind can't grasp how she could do something like that to a person that still cared for her.
> 
> Yes. I do love her, and yes I do want to be with her. I am just afraid of the imbalance and whether my mind can accept it.


Sorry buddy, I am on your side but this Bolded part is complete crap...

While they may not be comparable this is deflecting blame. Yes, she should have broken up with you. But you denying her sex was out of line then and it will always be out of line no matter how you slice it. 

You really need to grow up and make a decision, you either can forgive her or you can't. Nothing she did was right, and nothing you did was right either. 

Her level of "sin" may be higher, I will give you that, and there is no excuse for cheating. But what you did was not right, and if their was a reason for cheating, your "sin" so to speak, might be the only one allowable. 

I think you are scared to make a decision. I think that is weak. If she has been faithful and done the work then it is up to you. 

I your case I think you should let this one go, marry her and live happily ever after. It is your decision, but you have been dealing with this for a while, it is time to man up and make a decision...


----------



## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

You should not get married unless you want it 100%. Instead, you are ambivalent at best, and you are thinking on your wedding day, oh I can always get divorced if it gets a little tough. Like divorce is as “nothing” as you think marriage is. Read the stories on this TAM site and you will see so many heartbroken people because of divorce and infidelity.

You should not get married for the tax break. Tax law changes all the time. The marriage tax provision is only beneficial when one spouse makes a whole lot more income than the other. If income of both spouses is about the same, it becomes a penalty rather than a benefit.

You should not get married because of “sunk cost” money already spent on the wedding. You should not get married because a lot of people have been invited to the wedding already and you will be embarrassed to tell them you are calling it off.

You should not get married just because you need a friend. You can have close friends without being married.

You should not lightly enter into a life-long contract the dissolution of which is controlled by the judiciary (government). If you are not fairly sure this is supposed to last the rest of your lives, don’t get married. Instead just keep cohabitating like you have been, and maybe write yourself a private contract governing your relationship, with exit provisions for failure to satisfy the terms of the contract.

The only decision a couple faces that is more serious than the decision to marry is the decision to create a child. Strangely, many of the relationships you will read about on TAM, the couple jumps right in on making babies and only marries some years later. Don’t do that until you know what true commitment means.

And about the one week sexual liaison, I would not call it an affair, just get over it. You weren’t married, you were treating her like ****. She’s been faithful for 9 years. Your situation is nothing. Read Cromer’s story if you want to know what a true hidden betrayal is. And how he handled it by sacrificing his happiness until the obligation for raising his children into good responsible adults was complete.

My advice, call it off and let her find someone better than you.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

hoblob said:


> I think wrong to cut off sex doesn't equate to the emotional and psychological damage of finding out that she got her needs met elsewhere. I get what I did was wrong. I didn't know whether I wanted to stay with her and stopped putting on the moves on her. School, moving, a ton of stuff got in the way and the no sex part lasted a long time. She felt unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, and bewildered that her bf isn't complimenting or ****ing her. I get it.
> But now, after uncovering all this crap from 9 years ago, I am equally bewildered at how she acted back then. Perhaps my mind can't grasp how she could do something like that to a person that still cared for her.
> 
> Yes. I do love her, and yes I do want to be with her. I am just afraid of the imbalance and whether my mind can accept it.


You are contradicting yourself. You said she felt, "unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, and bewildered." Then you go on to ask how she could do that to a person that still cared for her. She didn't think you cared for her. Hello. Do you not understand what you yourself just wrote? 

Look, I do not think cheating is the answer to anything - ever. I don't even believe in revenge affairs. All that is foolishness. But obviously there were serious problem in the relationship which you admit fall squarely on your shoulders and you still seem to have similar problems where you just do not see how your behavior is a problem. Find a therapist and find out what is at the core of your relationship dysfunction.

It sounds like she has resolved her issues and you have not grown an inch in all these years. You are unwilling to commit to her and yet for some reason she stays with you. I still think you should break up and go your separate ways. She should find a grown up and you should find someone to help you resolve your issues so you can grow up too.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I tend to be blunt and I really don't know another way to put it so you can understand what is going on here. You are acting like a child and need to find out why. Either you forgive her and move on in a healthy manner or nothing changes or you break up and move on. Whatever you do, please get some professional help.


----------



## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Is she someone you can’t imagine being without? When you picture your life in the future do only see yourself with her? 

Most long, lasting relationships do start out rocky. I know it was hard for me in some ways at first. 

I wish you the best! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Re your latest posts & I'm gonna be very tough here. 

You haven't once mentioned what she thinks of all this or how she feels about it. Not a good sign at all. 

Have you even told her? 

She's given you 9 years as a wonderful partner, after a 1 week affair at age 23, at a time when you were thinking of dumping her just as you are now, when you were treating her like **** & when you went on to have your own affair. 
You need to drop the 'holier than thou' & 'poor me' attitude. 

You hardly thought of the A since, until the wedding? Impossible. I think deep down you always knew you couldn't commit but you stayed because you didn't have to do the marriage thing. 

She wanted a big wedding, probably because she loves you and wants you to be her husband. 
You described the wedding is 'just for tax purposes'. 
So you don't even want her to be your wife for tax purposes? And if it's 'just for tax purposes', why are you suddenly all hot and bothered about commitment? I mean you can get divorced at any time - right?

There's a wise old saying, "if you're not sure, DON'T'. The 'right' thing to do by her if you have any respect for her at all would be to call it off. But you said care too much about what people think. They'll be surprised for sure but a week later they'll have forgotten it & will be busy back in their own lives. You're not that important. 
As for the expense of refunding everyone? Too bad. It's all down to your indecision and not having manned up but instead agreeing to go ahead with the wedding. 

Man up now. You're playing with another human being's life. Let her go. She deserves better. The way you've been talking, I think you'll feel pretty much the same after another 9 years. There's no harm in that, an affair is a deal breaker for many. Just don't steal any more years out of her life. 

If I was her and knew all this, I'd have dumped you already. 
Who would want to be with someone who 'isn't sure' they want to be with them. . . especially after 9 years. . .


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

In my early 20s, and it is still the case today....being I lecture that age, guys are bad about not

wanting to call it quits. Let me rephrase.... they want to call it but just leave the girl hanging. They hope

she "gets the hint" and just, goes away. Could it have been the case, by her being with another 

guy....she chalked you up as wanting it over but didn't want to hurt her? And when you learned 

of this.... you suddenly didn't want to lose her? The adage "don't know what you've got, till it's gone."

Think on that for awhile..... Not bashing you but that was quite the norm then, and still is. Used to be

a guy would avoid phone calls and have others say he wasn't home. Today... they just block you.

You gave her every indication you were through, except saying it. Granted she should have called it herself.

But both of you had 1 and 3/4 feet, out the door....


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Chuck71 said:


> Could it have been the case, by her being with another
> 
> guy....she chalked you up as wanting it over but didn't want to hurt her? And when you learned
> 
> of this.... you suddenly didn't want to lose her? The adage "don't know what you've got, till it's gone."



I think there is a lot of truth to that. This has been a wake up call for me. Honestly. I've started therapy and have been doing a lot of self-reflection over the past two weeks. That will likely continue. I think there is a part of me that certainly pushed her away, not willing to cherish her. Not having sex with her destroyed her self-esteem. I still get hurt by her actions of cheating on me. It was a painful reminder but also a wake-up call for me. I think we both have matured on each other's backs. That sort of sucks. 

I'll also be honest that I wasn't resentful. Like I said, we buried it. I acknowledged my fault in our relationship. I didn't do too much to fix them. I showed her more love. Not as much as she's shown me, but that is just my personality. But a flip just switched. My therapist thinks its the reality of the wedding and facing the "entire relationship" from start to finish. Since then, its been constantly on my mind. The thought of her with someone else. I know she didn't deny me. She never did. Quite frankly, all she wanted was for me to touch her. But ultimately, the cheating is on her. I have to own up to the fact that I contributed to this. 

Thanks for your input. I have a lot of thinking to do.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

hoblob said:


> I think there is a lot of truth to that. This has been a wake up call for me. Honestly. I've started therapy and have been doing a lot of self-reflection over the past two weeks. That will likely continue. I think there is a part of me that certainly pushed her away, not willing to cherish her. Not having sex with her destroyed her self-esteem. I still get hurt by her actions of cheating on me. It was a painful reminder but also a wake-up call for me. I think we both have matured on each other's backs. That sort of sucks.
> 
> I'll also be honest that I wasn't resentful. Like I said, we buried it. I acknowledged my fault in our relationship. I didn't do too much to fix them. I showed her more love. Not as much as she's shown me, but that is just my personality. But a flip just switched. My therapist thinks its the reality of the wedding and facing the "entire relationship" from start to finish. Since then, its been constantly on my mind. The thought of her with someone else. I know she didn't deny me. She never did. Quite frankly, all she wanted was for me to touch her. But ultimately, the cheating is on her. I have to own up to the fact that I contributed to this.
> 
> Thanks for your input. I have a lot of thinking to do.


When recapping your past with her how come you left out
that you cheated on her? The pot calling the kettle black.

You pulled away, refused sex. Why?

You were ghosting her so she would replace you. And she did.
Then you got all bent because she did. Then you had to show
her how awful she was by having a RA.

I hope you have a good IC.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Everyone is overthinking it.... He's got cold feet. 

Coming up with all kinds of crap from the past isn't gonna make your feet warmer.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Cold feet is certainly a good explanation. I am about to marry someone that was able to destroy me at one point. She is marrying someone that was able to emotionally and sexually step out. The reality is that we both have had our issues in this relationship. 
I also didn't have a revenge affair. I cheated, but there was no other contact. I think affairs apply to anything where contact goes on for longer than week with multiple meet ups and continuous lying about your whereabouts.
I also didn't ghost her in a physical fashion since we lived together, but emotionally and sexually, yes, i was absent. I regret it. I know I created an environment that was easier for her to cheat. 

2 more weeks to go.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

hoblob said:


> She is marrying someone that was able to emotionally and sexually step out.


So are you.....please, don't lose sight of that fact... yes, it is true that you may have done things which created and fomented relationship problems, so has she. 

But neither of you "caused" the other to cheat. That was done by the cheater's own sin and selfishness.

And, neither of you "made it easy" for the other to cheat. That was done in the cheater's own mind through self-justification.

If both of you approach each other being guided by these premises, then I think you two have a fair chance of working out the relationship problems and have a successful marriage.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

All BS aside.

You keep saying that you are afraid of that, you are afraid of this, you are afraid of the future. YOU ARE AFRAID.

Fear is ruling you life and that is no way to live. Either come to terms with what she did 9 years ago or move on. Set you both free from the fear.

There is a popular saying on here about cheating wives; "She is not the woman you married - that woman is gone forever."

I will suggest that she is no longer the woman who cheated on you. That cheater is gone from what you say. Replaced by an older, wiser, more self reflective person. A person who could be a good life for you.

It is up to you.


----------

