# Advice Please!My wife said wanted to divorce



## tonywang (Apr 30, 2012)

Long story short. My wife said to me she wanted to divorce, because last night I said I lost passion on her. Here is what happened.

Me and my wife live in a city which is far away from both of our home town. And my wife’s parents came over to stay with us for more than half year of each year in recent 2 years. I really don’t like to live with her parents. Because they always have different opinions about things and they always want us to do whatever they think it’s right. We are both 30 now. My wife also dislikes her parents act like that way. Her parents especially her mom likes to control everything of her which drives her crazy. I feel her mom is very codependent, whatever her mom does her mom would claim that was all for her or me, except it has to be done in “her” way. If we don’t do it in her way, she would be angry.

We bought this apartment in this city and when my wife’s parents are here, they change everything into the way they like. For instance, we bought a tea table for our sitting room, but my mother in law doesn’t like it, so she moved the tea table to some where else. When my wife goes shopping with her mom, her mom always disagree with what clothes she picks up and always wanted my wife to dress up like her mom. 
Often times I felt this is not my home, because I can’t do anything I wanted. 

2 days ago my wife’s friend said she wanted to come over to our city and stay over at our home for 2 nights. My wife said ok, but my wife’s mom was not happy about it. During the past 2 days my wife’s mom never had a smile on her face and we could see she was angry. Whatever she does at home she made it very laud. We felt very embarrassed because my wife’s friend was here. Last night my wife was talking to me about how she gained some weight and she can’t dress up and make up because of her mom. I said to her that I felt she looked like her mom now and I said before when I saw her I would feel like “en, this is my beautiful wife”. And now when I saw her I feel like “Ok, this is my wife”. The reason I said this was because I wanted to push her stand out her “mom” zone. 

This morning my wife was talking to me about ask her mom to go back to their city and come again after my wife is pregnant. Then we talked about not living with her parents in the future. Then she suddenly came up with what I said last night and questions me why I felt like that. She said I lost passion on her, and couples should have passions all the time. I told her, that doesn’t mean I don’t love her anymore. She left for work. Just now, she text me said she wanted a divorce.

What should I do? I have no idea now


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

She probably doesn't really want a divorce.. she is probably just really hurt and angry. Either way... perhaps marriage counseling would be a good idea? You two could work on ways to better communicate your feelings and such?


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## tonywang (Apr 30, 2012)

It was not her first time to say wanted a divorce. She did it several times already, every time I did comfort her and apologize. This morning when she left she said:"if it's like this, we'd better divorce, don't waste my time."


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well I wouldn't know if she really does want a divorce... or not but I have been guilty of saying such to my husband before... and no i never meant it.. I was just angry, hurt, and upset at the time. We couldn't and still can't afford counseling but we have come across several ways to help us communicate our feelings to one another better. One being a site called lovepong.com. It's been great it helping us better understand each others feelings and how what we have said or done has effected us. If you can't afford counseling.. perhaps she might be willing to try that? Of course... if she really is wanting a divorce...(which i hope she doesn't as you really sound like you love her to pieces) then I dunno what to tell you. I guess all you can do is try to talk about it by some means.... Oh and I came across lovepong while trying to search for games couples can do together... of course it wasn't what i had been looking for at the time but i am glad i found it now.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You two could also try... looking into taking the 5 languages of love quiz and see what your love language is... and mayhaps get the book later on? My hubby and I took that after i seen it mentioned here... and well we were suprised at the results... lol. It really helped explain alot for us..


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## tonywang (Apr 30, 2012)

Gaia, thanks for the suggestion. Another thing makes me worry is about her parents. I really don't want to get into her family's "control" zone, which drive both of us crazy. We can't be ourselves even when we are at home.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

tonywang said:


> Gaia, thanks for the suggestion. Another thing makes me worry is about her parents. I really don't want to get into her family's "control" zone, which drive both of us crazy. We can't be ourselves even when we are at home.



I completely understand where your coming from.... as I'm sure alot of people do. All I can say it be more assertive in how you want things in YOUR own house... and be sure to remind them it is YOUR house... not theirs.... well yours and your wifes lol. I've had to deal with that from MY side of the family as well as my husbands family.... and although it is polite to be nice and courteous... some people just take advantage of that... Needlessly to say I made it clear as did my husband to both of our families that we are clearly adults, not children and they are welcome to think what they wish but they can shove their opinions of their rear ends since they didn't do to well in their own lives so they have no room to make judgements on us or tell us what to do, how to live, how to raise our kids, ect.


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## tonywang (Apr 30, 2012)

This is the key problem with parents in laws, they always claim that they are more life experienced and they know what is good for us. I hate they say this. If we buy anything for the house they don't like, they would say it's a crap stuff whenever they find they can't use it well, no matter if it's their problem. We bought a Dell desktop for her Dad to use, and whenever he found something he couldn't figure out, he would say the computer is a crap. They don't trust shopping online, so if we bought anything online, they would not be happy. and if the stuff goes wrong, they would use this reason to say something abusive.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Sure they say that.. but what they fail to realize is their son/daughter and their spouse are two full grown adults who are intelligent enough to make their own decisions in life and do things their own way. They need to let you two live your own life. They had their time and its done with... so they just need to do what they do best... be live their own life and let you live yours. By the way.. your probably nicer then I am but I would have told said in law that if he thought it was crap then he should go buy his own things from the dino ages as im sure they carry them at all antique stores.


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## tonywang (Apr 30, 2012)

yeah. I wouldn't want to get into an argue with them, because they are easy to get angry and always talk to my wife about what they think the problems I have. My wife can't bare take their sh*t anymore. Sometimes, it makes me think that do they really want us to be together. 

Of course, before we got marriage, her parents strongly disagree with us.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol like i said your alot nicer then I am... I'm not afraid to argue nor do i avoid conflict... when I've had enough.. I've had enough and I let it be known. Of course.. I'm sure you can find some way to let them know without having to argue... hopefully someone else here can make a better suggestion.. lol.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Your relationship will improve if your parents and her parents DON'T live with you guys for part of each year. If they want to be nearby, maybe you can rent them their own apartment nearby. The in-law tension is pulling you both apart. You can't tell her that it's okay for your family to come stay but not hers. That's not cool. Until your parents and her parents are able to treat you both like adults, you should not have them living with you. They will not like this. They will be angry. Let them be angry because they will get over it. Stand your ground if you want to protect your marriage. And...get yourselves into marriage counseling because the problems between you two don't seem to be between you two, but between in-laws and the two of you. You need to learn how to be a team and not divide your loyalties between your families of origin instead of marriage. Hang in there.


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## ImFrazzled (Apr 30, 2012)

To be honest Im with you and think its about time to tell her parents to butt out....And your wife saying she wants a divorce because you mentioned she was like her mum...Maybe your wife isnt the full quid either and she does have her parents jeans....Arent you guys too old to have them in your face??And im sure your wife said that this morning out of emotional feelings which I admit can never understand with woman!!


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## ImFrazzled (Apr 30, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well I wouldn't know if she really does want a divorce... or not but I have been guilty of saying such to my husband before... and no i never meant it.. I was just angry, hurt, and upset at the time. We couldn't and still can't afford counseling but we have come across several ways to help us communicate our feelings to one another better. One being a site called lovepong.com. It's been great it helping us better understand each others feelings and how what we have said or done has effected us. If you can't afford counseling.. perhaps she might be willing to try that? Of course... if she really is wanting a divorce...(which i hope she doesn't as you really sound like you love her to pieces) then I dunno what to tell you. I guess all you can do is try to talk about it by some means.... Oh and I came across lovepong while trying to search for games couples can do together... of course it wasn't what i had been looking for at the time but i am glad i found it now.


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

Your wife needs to grow up and quit letting her parents run her life... seriously??? She had better plan to be alone forever because nobody in their right mind would put up with 2 opinionated 3rd and 4th wheels! You should be asking her for a divorce... just sayin


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## ImFrazzled (Apr 30, 2012)

Yes im with you 'Done trying'...I would not let her parents or even my own parents try and screw my marriage up...Who do they think they are?..And if your wife wants a divorce then let her as I bet she is just testing you cause who would want to be with a woman like this anyway who doesnt stand by her husband?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tonywang said:


> It was not her first time to say wanted a divorce. She did it several times already, every time I did comfort her and apologize. This morning when she left she said:"if it's like this, we'd better divorce, don't waste my time."


 You let her parents move in for 6 months out of the year and she wants the divorce because you do not kiss her ars enough LOL? Every time she wants to snap you back into line all she has to do is threaten divorce? You really need to man up and call her bluff on this before you have children. When she comes home tell her that you are tired of her always threatening divorce and that if she is so ready to end it all the time, that maybe it is time to really do it. Then ask her when she wants to start talking to you about dividing the assets. Tell her that if she wants a divorce, you would like to recommend that you both share an attorney to cut cost. Put the ball in her court and walk away.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

tonywang said:


> What should I do? I have no idea now


What should you do?

I'm kind of surprised that you have to wonder because if you love your wife then you would have told her right away to keep thingsw working and find a way out for this marriage to last.

I agree, her mom could be a pain in the a$$ and sounds a lot like my mom but I think your wife should be more firm and stand up for what she wants. She should tell her mom to stay out and mind her own business. 

As for what you should do, you know it better than us. Sounds like you have doubts about the love for your wife and I guess she's right when she told you that there's no passion.


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## tonywang (Apr 30, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your advice. To update the situation. I actually said OK to her on that day when she said wanted a divorce. Because I was also mad. And I was being very firm. After we both calm down we had a talk. She admitted she was just angry in the morning and also she admitted that her parents' control is actually ruin our marriage. She is fighting with her parents to let them keep their hands of her now. She talked to her mom in the past two days about do not get involved in our marriage. Her mom just couldn't see the point, her mom thought everything she did was just for her. Although they argued a lot in the past 2 days, but my wife made it very clear about her state which I think it's a good improve.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is the in-laws living with you a cultural thing? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm glad she has said she doesn't want a divorce. 

Remember that the two of you are supposed to be a team and to fight FOR each other, not fighting each other! She needs your emotional support, especially to stand up to people who are as controlling as her parents. 

Your wife learned to submit to them as a little girl, and will have a much harder time of standing up against them than you would. How would you both feel about the possibility of letting her "blame" you for making them move out and support themselves? She could tell them, "He said you cannot stay for more than two weeks at a time." They'd get mad at you, of course, but from far away.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

See if you and your wife can come up with some protocols to deal with the in-laws. Looks like they don't have a good attitude and it is probably too late to try and change them. As a long term solution, see if you can keep them out of your lives. Is there a particular reason they stay with you for six months?

Try not to hurt your wife unknowingly like you did yesterday. Especially with the in-laws in picture you and your wife need to make sure that you stay strong as a couple. Spend some time with your wife alone. Take her out for dinner and movie every saturday evening - make it a ritual, let the in-laws stay at home saturdays. order some food for them. If they say they want to come along state *assertively* that you are going out for a date with your wife, and they could use the time hanging out with each other as well. If you have some friends go out and socialize with them as a couple once in a while, again keep in-laws at home. Don't try to be "too nice" to them. Anyways they don't seem to be too happy with what you do, so why bother? 

From your post looks like you and your wife are good people. I think you will just be fine


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