# Men and "serious committed relationships"



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

This is probably just a rant but...

I read a story the other day about a man and a woman who started dating about 5 years ago. After about 2 years, they started to live together. While living together, she became pregnant and had a child. About a year and a half later, she asked her live-in boyfriend when they were going to take their relationship to the next level (marriage) he said, " Relationship? *WHAT* relationship?!" 

She packed her bags and left with their son. 

More and more I see/hear about men (especially) who say that they don't want a 'serious committed relationship". Yet, they seem to have no problem with getting all of the perks that go with one.

And I mean, *ALL* of the perks. 

It seems that a man can tell a woman he's in love with her...has a child with her...spends oodles of time with her...has a strong connection with her, etc. Yet *NONE* of this --even _collectively_--equals having a "relationship" in his mind. I even read that one man told his WIFE of 20+ years that they never had a "serious committed relationship"! 

At 57 years old and single, it's really scary out there to me. Even with constant communication, it seems that a man can "change his mind" at the drop of hat, especially without even telling me, unless asked. I'd never really know for SURE if he's committed to me! 

Is this the "new man" I keep hearing about?

Because if it is, I think I'm safer having a 'serious committed relationship' with my vibrator! 

Rant over. Thanks for reading.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Read any one of the numerous threads in this forum regarding why men are not getting married, and you should have your answer.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> Read any one of the numerous threads in this forum regarding why men are not getting married, and you should have your answer.


Hmm. Interesting. I never thought a "serious committed relationship" automatically meant getting _*married*_!


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Well, anytime a woman you've been living with for 5 years and have a child with says she wants to "take the relationship to the next level", that means "marriage". And thus, my reference to the numerous threads on this forum discussing that very issue.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

Not all men are like that, its only the ones you read about.
At fifty seven why should it scare you. 
You can never be sure of anything in life (except death) and one has to take the plunge and hope it works. If it doesnt what have you lost?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think the woman was ignoring what a loser she was having sex with.

As far as the general atmosphere. It sometimes looks pretty bleak but I've been out of the dating game for 24 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Vega said:


> This is probably just a rant but...
> 
> I read a story the other day about a man and a woman who started dating about 5 years ago. After about 2 years, they started to live together. While living together, she became pregnant and had a child. About a year and a half later, she asked her live-in boyfriend when they were going to take their relationship to the next level (marriage) he said, " Relationship? *WHAT* relationship?!"


Without knowing how their "relationship" was going, it's hard to say if either was right or wrong. Maybe she assumed they had a relationship, but was doing nothing to sustain it. Habit does not make it so. Perhaps they were sexless roommates, in which case his perception could be correct that there was no longer a "relationship".


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

1) Don't lump all men in the same basket.
2) I don't see any responsibility put on this woman for having a child out of wedlock with him, if that was important to her.
3) If you are saying the men are at fault in these situations, does that mean the women were all ignorant dupes?
4) Reading a few internet stories and painting a picture of the whole world is a bad idea.

I'm not even done with my current divorce and I can't wait to be married again. Being alone sucks, I love being in a committed relationship. I'm divorcing because I want to have kids, and I want to be married to the momma. Seems simple to me. Maybe I'm just an "old man".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All kinds of men and women don't want to be in long-term monogamous relationships.

Some can admit it, and some can't.

I would think she probably should have had that conversation with him before moving in together or certainly soon thereafter.

And certainly before choosing to have a child with him.

I mean, let's just do the math.

Dating 2 years. Then they move in together. 1.5 years into living together they have a kid. When the kid is 1.5 years old, it dawns on her to ask if they're ever going to get married.

I mean, it sure sounds like he's a ****. But she's irresponsible.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There are plenty of good ones out there OP. At 57 you are hopefully grown up enough to have the conversation and communication about just what it is you want in a relationship. Just bypass the ones that are not suited to you and the lifestyle you want.

And I don't think it is a gender thing, as many stories about women that are not wanting LTR as men. The key as always is to be open and honest about what it is you want, what your boundaries are, where you can be flexible and compromise and never settle for someone that is not on the same page as you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Holland said:


> There are plenty of good ones out there OP. At 57 you are hopefully grown up enough to have the conversation and communication about just what it is you want in a relationship. Just bypass the ones that are not suited to you and the lifestyle you want.
> 
> And I don't think it is a gender thing, as many stories about women that are not wanting LTR as men. The key as always is to be open and honest about what it is you want, what your boundaries are, where you can be flexible and compromise and never settle for someone that is not on the same page as you.


Consider this as well, and OP:

Women initiate divorce approx 70% of the time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...01311/do-men-or-women-file-divorce-more-often

I don't think either gender has a monopoly on being brutal in LTRs.


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## jc0187 (Feb 16, 2013)

Vega said:


> This is probably just a rant but...
> 
> I read a story the other day about a man and a woman who started dating about 5 years ago. After about 2 years, they started to live together. While living together, she became pregnant and had a child. About a year and a half later, she asked her live-in boyfriend when they were going to take their relationship to the next level (marriage) he said, " Relationship? *WHAT* relationship?!"
> 
> ...


I don't mean to stick up for this guy in this story, he sounds like a douche bag, however, to every story is a 3rd side of it that isn't being told. There's the side of the women's (this story), there's his side and then there's the truth. Maybe she was cheating on him, with various guys? Maybe she was abusive? Or maybe he's really a douche bag? Who knows.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Holland said:


> There are plenty of good ones out there OP. At 57 you are hopefully grown up enough to have the conversation and communication about just what it is you want in a relationship. Just bypass the ones that are not suited to you and the lifestyle you want.
> 
> And I don't think it is a gender thing, as many stories about women that are not wanting LTR as men. The key as always is to be open and honest about what it is you want, what your boundaries are, where you can be flexible and compromise and never settle for someone that is not on the same page as you.


*At the ripe old age of 63, let's just say that the mere prospects of death itself, does not frighten me in the least, greatly compared to the prospects of entering a committed relationship with the wrong person!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I've been in a committed relationship for over a quarter century now. I think this is true of many men. Of course since they are in committed relationship, they are not available....


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> At the ripe old age of 63, let's just say that the mere prospects of death itself, does not frighten me in the least, greatly compared to the prospects of entering a committed relationship with the wrong person!


Death is less expensive than divorce.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

If you're going to let a man have all the perks without a ring(s) on it then that's the risk you take.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

thefam said:


> If you're going to let a man have all the perks without a ring(s) on it then that's the risk you take.


But.... why buy the cow when the milk is free?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think divorce laws are directly responsibile for men feeling this way about relationships. Nowadays, men have to have whatever kind of relationship and family outside of marriage or face eventually getting screwed over by divorce court. It's the only way a man can leave a relationship without responsibility or her hand forever in his pocket. If you are a man, you are absolutely foolish to get married. In doing so, you hand your financial future for the rest of your life over to your wife whenever she decides to dump you or make even more having kids with you. It the most ludicrous system on earth. If you are a man, you should have the same right to end a relationship with no other responsibility to her that women do.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

It strikes me that she was enjoying "all the perks" as much as he was. The part about her taking their son and leaving is troubling also. I'm hoping he has a lawyer on speed dial. Seriously, if you're goal is marriage than you better put it out there early and get agreement. This idea that you're offering "perks" so that you can slide into a legal contract down the road seems pretty dishonest.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> Death is less expensive than divorce.


*Far, far less, Constable! And is sometimes considered an even more preferable outcome!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Vega said:


> This is probably just a rant but...
> 
> I read a story the other day about a man and a woman who started dating about 5 years ago. After about 2 years, they started to live together. While living together, she became pregnant and had a child. About a year and a half later, she asked her live-in boyfriend when they were going to take their relationship to the next level (marriage) he said, " Relationship? *WHAT* relationship?!"
> 
> ...


Funny part is...women do the same. So what is the problem?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> But.... why buy the cow when the milk is free?


Exactly!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> It strikes me that she was enjoying "all the perks" as much as he was. The part about her taking their son and leaving is troubling also. I'm hoping he has a lawyer on speed dial. Seriously, if you're goal is marriage than you better put it out there early and get agreement. This idea that you're offering "perks" so that you can slide into a legal contract down the road seems pretty dishonest.


Exactly! 

If this wasn't ultimately what she wanted then she needed to be clear up front. I am fine with living with a woman and do consider that a LTSR. But marriage is not something I am interested in at this time..maybe someday


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

thefam said:


> If you're going to let a man have all the perks without a ring(s) on it then that's the risk you take.


Exactly. OP, you're putting a lot of the onus on the man, when it is women who need to stick by their boundaries unfailingly, seek precisely what they desire, and SETTLE FOR NO LESS if that is what they want. If you let the man have the milk for free, don't be surprised if he isn't jumping up and down about buying you when he can go get it free from another.

Don't waste the pretty.


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