# thoughts on phone under bed



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm fairly new here. Recently (5 months) been dealing with anxiety that is primarily caused by hormone changes. I'm in therapy and exercise. Going to talk to gyn about anti anxiety meds at my annual.

My therapist has really helped me in working on being cognizant of my thoughts, assessing the probability of things happening, journaling, etc. I've made concerted efforts to work on these areas. 

One area that bugs me (I admit primarily from doom scrolling and hearing about tech/cheating etc) is that my husband recently starting keeping his phone under the bed. 

He is on call half the month, and does get emergency notices/ has to address problems in the middle of the night occassionally. 
When I asked why he doesn't keep the phone on the charger as he had been, his answers are :
1. He doesn't want to get up and walk across the room at 2 am
2. He sets the alarm on his phone (I'm off right now, so not setting my alarm)
3. Wants to be able to grab email, log on, fix it, go back to bed

All of that makes sense. I've never woken up to find him texting, scrolling, etc. I am just of the believe that tech shouldn't be near your bed for health reasons, blue light, etc. Personal opinion. His is that it's a job thing and he's only doing what he's doing for his job.

As I said, I'm not going on CWI, I'm limiting my time on line, and actively working on my issues.

Just wondering if anyone here keeps phone near or under bed. Also wondering if in the process of letting go of "what if's" and working on trust I'm wearing blinders in this area - accepting without questioning. 

Thoughts other than I need to trust (I know that ) and I don't want out of my marriage. That's not it.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I'm fairly new here. Recently (5 months) been dealing with anxiety that is primarily caused by hormone changes. I'm in therapy and exercise. Going to talk to gyn about anti anxiety meds at my annual.
> 
> My therapist has really helped me in working on being cognizant of my thoughts, assessing the probability of things happening, journaling, etc. I've made concerted efforts to work on these areas.
> 
> ...


I keep my phone by my bed. That's where the plug-in is. 
Suggest to him to keep it on a plate, in case the battery goes and the carpet catches on fire.
That has happened in other cases.

That doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary to me, offhand.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> I keep my phone by my bed. That's where the plug-in is.
> Suggest to him to keep it on a plate, in case the battery goes and the carpet catches on fire.
> That has happened in other cases.
> 
> That doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary to me, offhand.


Yep. Most everyone I know charges their phone on the nightstand next to the bed.

Me, I put my phone on silent, not even vibration, because I don't want to hear anything from the phone after I lay down to sleep.

But I can hear the home phone, or my Ws phone in the event of an emergency.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Thank you, and I agree with you. I have trouble hearing stories about "phone in bed? CHEATER" and separating probable vs possible. I'm not bringing this up with dh because he gave me his view point, which makes sense. I wanted to share my question with others and let it go.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

We don't have nightstands. Just dresser other end of room. There is a charger on the wall by bed, but phone has to lay on floor. I keep mine on my dresser because I don't need access to it at night. Honestly, I don't even bring it in room most nights. I charge it in another room.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Thank you, and I agree with you. I have trouble hearing stories about "phone in bed? CHEATER" and separating probable vs possible. I'm not bringing this up with dh because he gave me his view point, which makes sense. I wanted to share my question with others and let it go.


We are happy to help.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have my phone next to me. That's a normal thing. My alarm is on my phone and you never know when there will be an emergency. A lot of people have their phone on a nightstand next to the bed and therefore dune need to use -- the floor.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Thank you, and I agree with you. I have trouble hearing stories about "phone in bed? CHEATER" and separating probable vs possible. I'm not bringing this up with dh because he gave me his view point, which makes sense. I wanted to share my question with others and let it go.


I keep mine in a different room overnight, but my wife charges hers on her nightstand. No big deal.

Something you have to keep in mind when reading here on TAM is that the overwhelming majority of posts are about relationship troubles. It can sometimes feel like the sky is falling around here. It is the nature of what TAM is. My marriage is very solid and other than me dealing with an occasional bout of retroactive jealousy we have no issues, but I will still sometimes have a physical reaction to reading a story of infidelity. It is those times where I just have to remind myself that we are all good and I thank God for giving me the wife I have. It is good to know about what others are going through, but try not to fall into the trap of projecting all of those bad things onto your marriage. 

You very obviously have issues, personal issues, that you are dealing with. It is probably much better at this point for you to bring up concerns like this here rather than your husband. A constant barrage of distrust coming from you has a very high risk of alienating him and pushing him away. I think you should keep him in the loop about you working on those issues though. That said, you do need to get a grip on all these negative thoughts. You can use TAM to help, but eventually you need to work on where all this is coming from and try to address it. A life of constant worry and concern and seeing the worst in every action or scenario has to be mentally exhausting.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I agree with you. I am not constantly barraging him with comments. Today I just asked why he wasn't keeping phone on charger. He explained and that was it. I also agree with you that I need to balance reading things and separating myself from other's situations. Very good advice. My husband knows I am working on my issues, and I am sharing here as a way to talk it out so to speak and not inundate him. I feel with therapy and focusing on the good things I am turning the corner. I'm focusing on what is good more and realizing what to let go/leave alone if that makes sense.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Do you know the password or have fingerprint (face) access?

I keep mine by the bed as an alarm clock.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I agree with you. I am not constantly barraging him with comments. Today I just asked why he wasn't keeping phone on charger. He explained and that was it. I also agree with you that I need to balance reading things and separating myself from other's situations. Very good advice. My husband knows I am working on my issues, and I am sharing here as a way to talk it out so to speak and not inundate him. I feel with therapy and focusing on the good things I am turning the corner. I'm focusing on what is good more and realizing what to let go/leave alone if that makes sense.


It does make sense. I have to say I am really cheering for you and your husband. Your previous descriptions of your marriage tell me it is fundamentally sound and in a good place. That is something I would wish for everyone and I would hate to see you lose out on that. Keep working on it, and on yourself. You are heading in the right direction.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I keep mine on the floor next to the bed so I can grab it. I use it for an alarm and when I am on call to get SMS.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Password access, don't have face access. However, password has not changed and is same for all tech things (dh's)

I do things are fundamentally sound and change (personal and physical ) prompted many of these anxious thoughts that weren't there even 6 months ago. So I am confident things will resolve.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please stop reading things on other sites that feed your anxiety.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> I agree with you. I am not constantly barraging him with comments. Today I just asked why he wasn't keeping phone on charger. He explained and that was it. I also agree with you that I need to balance reading things and separating myself from other's situations. Very good advice. My husband knows I am working on my issues, and I am sharing here as a way to talk it out so to speak and not inundate him. I feel with therapy and focusing on the good things I am turning the corner. I'm focusing on what is good more and realizing what to let go/leave alone if that makes sense.


Try going a day without asking him any questions beyond the mundane.

Whether or not your H is saying everything is fine, he will get tired of the constant questions, along with repetitive questions worded different ways on the same topic.

That in itself will contribute to your worries becoming self fulfilling prophecies. 

Ease up. You can do it!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Speaking as a cabinetmaker / woodworker. I highly recommend that you @snowbum and @ccpowerslave get some nightstands. 
As far as your question. I charge my phone on my nightstand. My tablet 10" lives in a holder near my bed and I use if to listen to audible books. My wife keeps her phone on her nightstand with her tablet 7" which serves mostly as her alarm clock. She also has a kindle there for e-books (See my complete posting history). Since we rarely talk to each other keeping media in the room is not further distancing the relationship. I use blue light filter settings on my devices. Mrs. N is not tech literate enough for that so her screen does bother me often. Could we make a pact and banish the media from the room? Yes we could return to paper books that were always in our relationship. But the price is prohibitive compared to e editions, especially as I would need to purchase my library in large print. BTW kindle is very eye friendly. I own my own but it is attached to her porn account and I avoid it for my sanity.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> Speaking as a cabinetmaker / woodworker. I highly recommend that you @snowbum and @ccpowerslave get some nightstands.


I have a Borkholder solid cherry one on the other side of the bed my wife uses. Unfortunately with a huge bed and not the biggest bedroom I can’t fit the same one on my side.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't want to get into a threadjack talking bout furniture, at least not here on snowbum's thread. I guess we are way past a no phones in bed rule. I don't know if we could go back to that. I also don't want to give snow more to worry about.

The positive is he is not hiding the phone. She has access to it. It's the calls you have to step out of the house to take that are the Red Flags.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I guess part of my insecurity is that a friend of my husband's told me to my face that he's glad someone loves me because I'm hideous. This comment was actually made to both of us. So i'm going on a limb to ask if the friend is right. I don't feel like a beauty, but so ugly as to not be lovable?
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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You might want to reconsider posting a photo of yourself online if you wish to retain your anonymity. I don't know what kind of "friend" tells you or your husband that you're hideous. Might want to seriously consider dumping assholes like this from your life for 2022. You look perfectly normal to me.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

snowbum said:


> I guess part of my insecurity is that a friend of my husband's told me to my face that he's glad someone loves me because I'm hideous. This comment was actually made to both of us.


Hmm. What was your husband's response? Is that person still a friend of your husband's?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I deleted photo. It was husband's former coworker. He said this to my face. My husband heard him. They see each other as little as possible.Coworker later told my husband "why does your wife hate my guts?

really? Husband knows I think this guy is a **** head. But the comment can't be unheard.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

They golf together once a year for an event.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Husband knows I think this guy is a **** head. But the comment can't be unheard.


No, it can't be unheard, but what that coworker thinks doesn't matter. What matters is for your husband to tell you he thinks it was a totally unacceptable remark, and that he's completely on your side. That's what would help.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I both have our phones on our bedside tables at night. Mine is on silent, and DND except for hubby and Mum, they're the only two people who can always reach me. Though why hubby would call me in the middle of the night when I'm right next to him I'm not sure 

Sometimes if I can't sleep I use the Calm app, and if that doesn't work I'll scroll for a little while then try to sleep. Hubby's phone is his alarm.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My husband and I keep our phones charging overnight on our nightstands. We both use our phones to get emergency texts, and alarms. 

We both have access to all of our devices.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Has your husband ever cheated or has ever given you valid reason to suspect him of cheating?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m really worried that you posted a photo here of yourself asking if we agree that you’re hideous. I’m greatly concerned about this.

Have you told your husband you did this? 

I think you should.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i do sometimes leave my phone next to the bed.
i use double factor passwords, and need my phone to get onto some websites, and if i am using my laptop in bed....i might need the phone.

it does not sound like a cheater's sort of action to leave the phone there. if it rang, you too would hear it!

what WOULD be suspicious is finding a 2nd burner phone in his car, or somewhere like that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

That was a horrible thing that guy said to you.
i did not see your picture before it was removed, but i bet if i did i would have found two or things about your body that were downright sexy!
Men concentrate on a couple things: your sexy attitude, your willingness to be a mate, your willingness to please them, and one of two of your best attributes physically. lets say you have a great butt, that is what they look at when you walk by. or you have great legs, then that is what they gawk at. Or you dress very sexy, then that turns them on.

i am sure you have enough going to make your hubby ravenously horny for your body! Just use it well!

what you do not want to do is get into a funk, THINK you are not sexy, then pull away and not try to turn your husband on anymore.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I charge my phone overnight on the nightstand next to me. I also use the phone to stream Spotify to my Bluetooth speaker. I fall asleep listening to music, which I can do now since my wife moved out of the bedroom. I also listen to music if I have insomnia.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

snowbum said:


> I deleted photo. It was husband's former coworker. He said this to my face. My husband heard him. They see each other as little as possible.Coworker later told my husband "why does your wife hate my guts?
> 
> really? Husband knows I think this guy is a **** head. But the comment can't be unheard.


You know what -- your husband MARRIED you -- so you are certainly NOT hideous to him. His former coworker was just being a ginormous A**HOLE. Your H's opinion is what should really matter to you. Don't let some jerk's comments tank YOUR own self-image and self-worth. Nobody is worth that.


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## MysticMoon (Jan 9, 2018)

snowbum said:


> I'm fairly new here. Recently (5 months) been dealing with anxiety that is primarily caused by hormone changes. I'm in therapy and exercise. Going to talk to gyn about anti anxiety meds at my annual.
> 
> My therapist has really helped me in working on being cognizant of my thoughts, assessing the probability of things happening, journaling, etc. I've made concerted efforts to work on these areas.
> 
> ...


My husband keeps his phone on his nightstand. He is a supervisor and must answer late night calls, and it is his alarm. I've never seen him use it for anything else. 

There are plenty of reasons to stress in life, dint go looking for more! Your husband's reasons are plausible. Accept them, unless he gives you reason not to.


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## StellaRose (12 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I'm fairly new here. Recently (5 months) been dealing with anxiety that is primarily caused by hormone changes. I'm in therapy and exercise. Going to talk to gyn about anti anxiety meds at my annual.
> 
> My therapist has really helped me in working on being cognizant of my thoughts, assessing the probability of things happening, journaling, etc. I've made concerted efforts to work on these areas.
> 
> ...


I am a therapist as well... and you are on the right track with journaling and challenging anxious thoughts. The "what if's" of life could drive us crazy forever!! And I do not recommend people scroll through the phones/emails of others. It is NOT the way to build trust. And, if you go looking for something bad... you will not stop until you find something bad (confirmation bias). And you will drive yourself insane in the process.

Trusting another human is always a risk. And unfortunately we do need to "blindly trust" until we have reason to stop. Has he done anything in the past to lose your trust?


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

My landline (I am old fashioned enough to have one of those) has an extension on my nightstand, but normally my cell phone is charging in the kitchen overnight. I get SO many spam calls that it would drive me nuts. The only time I had it beside my bed was when relatives (my mother, my son, my husband) were actively dying. Your husband's explanation _seems_ okay, but watch for flags.


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