# Deceit, drama, annnnd divorce???



## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

After almost 3 years of marriage it looks as though my wife and I maybe heading for divorce. 

We met almost 4 years ago, got pregnant, got married and had a little girl. Looking back I ought to have seen the warning signs and I would guess she would likely say something similar. 
My wife is a good person and deserves only the best in life. She is a fantastic mother and has many great qualities. In saying that she has a mighty temper(my temper is not great either, but I don't yell like she does or cuss) which she refuses to address, instead she focuses on my issues which are many. We generally do not fight(nothing physical) often, but when do the arguments are nasty.

I am an army veteran diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder and PTSD. I am a recovering alcoholic, but stopped drinking 8 years ago. My wife has never seen me drink.

I have definite issues with staying on my medication and this rightly upsets my wife. It would certainly upset me. Infact last year she said if I went off the meds she would leave me. Well about 3 months ago I went off most of them and lied to her about it. Off medication I become paranoid the world is going to end. That is tied to stuff that occurred in Iraq.


List of other issues.
We have a large age difference 14 years. I am older than her.

Prior to getting married she told me she had 15k in student debts. I came home just after we were engaged and she told me she had 30k in debt. I had no debt at the time. I said nothing, but inside I fumed.

After around 10 months of marriage I said I want out and told her I wanted a divorce. I questioned whether I really loved her. After 3 days of separation we decided to try again.

We attended marriage counseling. We agreed on going for a year. We went together for 6 sessions. I went for a further 3 sessions. 

Things improved for a few months. I again attended AA meetings, she said she would like to attend Alanon. Later I slowed going to AA meetings, and she stopped going to Alanon. 

I told her I don't like being sworn/cussed at when we argue. I told her it was a red line. Well that red line of mine turned out to be an empty threat on my part. She still swears at me when we argue and now my daughter has started to repeat things she hears. Yes she said "f**K out" 3-4 weeks ago. Repeated what her mom said to me.

Wife is also adamant that I lose weight. I said that was not a priority for me. However it is for her. She told me I have a month to change my ways regarding weight loss and medication(I feel that is fair enough on her part.)

I have started running, and going back to AA. She refuses to go to counseling for her anger(which she still admits she has problems with) or going back to Alanon(she told me I have the problem not her.) I said well as long as you are married to me you have the problem too.

Over the last 2 weeks we have fought more than any other time in our marriage I believe. 4 days ago she said she wanted a divorce and wanted me out. She then said I could stay in the house as she did not want to be there alone. 

A couple of days ago she said she was with me for the sake of our daughter. To be fair I am now thinking that is the main reason I am still in this marriage to. 

Today we had another verbal fight. After she swore at me again(she did not realize) our daughter was in the room. For me that was the last straw. I am done with being sworn at in front our daughter.

About at hour later I said I don't care what she does, I just don't care. She said nothing and went to work.

We have had some great times together. However, I think we may have been better friends than husband and wife. We both want the best for our daughter and the other day my wife said, and I agree, rather our child see us happy apart, than miserable together.


There are likely other things I have forgotten. But that is about all I can remember for now. 

I am interested in the input of others here. I am inclined to think the marriage is all but over at this point. I think she probably feels the same way. I know both of us will be sad and crushed, especially her. Thanks all for reading. REally interested in your opinions and questions if you have any.


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## GTNBoom (Oct 24, 2016)

The marriage can be revived if you behave the right way.

1. You need to learn some behavior modification methods.

When she yells are you or swears at you, you do the following:

1. You calmly tell her that if she is going to be abusive you will leave the room and the conversation.

2. If she continues to be abusive, you then tell her calmly that you are leaving the room, you're not mad and that you can talk later when things are calmed down. 

3. You leave 

What does this do? 

It shows her, in a calm way, that if she will behave badly you will walk away ( you give her no reward for being abusive).

You leaving takes away her power. She is abusive and you don't react.

You remain calm. This shows her that you are safe.

Do this every time she's abusive until she stops her bad behavior. Every time. This will takes weeks to execute so keep doing it.

More to come later 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I think we could too if we went to MC. But she will not, she will not even go to Church. Even though we agreed we would after our 3 day separation more than 2 years ago. She also told me she is with me only because of our daughter. At this time, I cannot say that I want to stay with this marriage either.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You have a lot going on, on your side of the street. 

Why do you stop taking your medication? 

Are you being seen regularly by a doctor, or psychiatrist? Who is regulating your medication? 

Have you considered PTSD veterans support groups? 

What keeps you from getting yourself healthy? What do you think makes you stuck - not taking meds, no longer going to AA, not doing anything about your weight. (I assume you are overweight because of your post, forgive me if wrong.)

All of that needs to be addressed before you can even begin to think about your roles as husband or father.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

kag123 said:


> You have a lot going on, on your side of the street.
> 
> Why do you stop taking your medication?
> 
> ...


This will likely not make sense. Start feeling better, and I stop taking meds. I know that sounds stupid as it is the meds that make me feel better, but that is the long and short of it. I can't blame my wife at all for wanting a divorce. If the shoe was on the other foot I probably would also.

Yes PTSD groups are being looked at. Have also been seeing therapists on a regular basis.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

1. Get back on your meds.

2. File for divorce.

3. Whether you commit to losing weight or not, never do it for anyone other than you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a mess.

You know it is silly to stop taking your meds. But you do.

Why? "Well, when I start to feel better, I figure I can stop taking my meds!"

That wouldn't work with someone whose heart meds made them feel better, now would it? 

So... why do you think it works for you? :scratchhead:

And your wife? :surprise:

Could you imagine her saying something like:

"I love my f**king daughter! I really f**king lover her!

"In fact, my f**king daughter is the only f**king reason I stay in this f**king marriage!

"What? F**k no, I will not seek treatment for my f**king anger and unreasonable rage issues!"

Yeah. She love your daughter. But not really!

You "forget" to take your meds and as for your wife? Well, your wife will not even start to take her treatment.

This is not good for your daughter.

If you wife will not consider counselling and will not countenance treatment for her anger issues, then the future of your little family looks bleak, to be honest.

An off the wall point, have you had your daughter's DNA tested?

This is for two reasons

1) Make sure she is yours. 

2) Many women in the height of an argument or during a custody hearing will say: "Well, he isn't the father of the child, in any case."

Having the DNA done on any children nips that in the bud.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

at least you guys aren't screwing other people, so there's that.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

gtnboom said:


> the marriage can be revived if you behave the right way.
> 
> 1. You need to learn some behavior modification methods.
> 
> ...


this!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I agree, it's over. The whole thing sounds like one big, hot mess.

As has become the case so often nowadays, this is yet another forced marriage due to pregnancy early in the dating process. The SMART thing to do is NOT to get pregnant *again*.

She's no prize, but you're no walk in the park either. I know a few people who have suffered the hell of being with someone bipolar who went off their meds, over and over and over again and each time, the results were horrific. It's cyclical and pure hell on earth for those involved. And honestly? None of the bipolar spouses I'm talking about stopped their cyclical behavior of going off their meds. Not one. And not one of those couples are still together. Not one.

I think you need to get healthy before you're in* any* kind of relationship. She's obviously checked out emotionally but I'm assuming she probably depends on you financially or she's extremely codependent because 'she can't be alone' and doesn't want you to leave.

The whole thing is such a dysfunctional mess. Just SO unhealthy all the way around.

Stay together for the RIGHT reasons or divorce for the RIGHT reasons. Clinging desperately to each other like grim death out of *fear* is not solving anything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bojangles said:


> at least you guys aren't screwing other people, so there's that.


Really? How can we know this for the both of them?

Oh, right...


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> 1. Get back on your meds.
> 
> 2. File for divorce.
> 
> ...


I think that is the path we are heading down.



MattMatt said:


> This is a mess.
> 
> You know it is silly to stop taking your meds. But you do.
> 
> ...





bojangles said:


> at least you guys aren't screwing other people, so there's that.





She'sStillGotIt said:


> I agree, it's over. The whole thing sounds like one big, hot mess.
> 
> As has become the case so often nowadays, this is yet another forced marriage due to pregnancy early in the dating process. The SMART thing to do is NOT to get pregnant *again*.
> 
> ...


Thanks. No she does not depend on me financially. She has a good job. I would also pay her child support, more than required. 
I am absolutely no walk in the park. No doubt about that at all. I think you are right about bipolar marriages. I don't know of any that have worked out long term. 

I have not tested my daughters DNA. I will consider that.



MattMatt said:


> Really? How can we know this for the both of them?
> 
> Oh, right...


I have never cheated on my wife. I don't know, but I don't believe she would do that either.


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