# I feel like i ruined a friendship and i don't know what to do



## lexyloo (May 13, 2015)

I was told about this forum and how helpful it is so thought i would post my story here. I have severe anxiety due to a disease and it has gotten pretty bad. About 6 months ago i met a guy and at first we were friends but there was a lot of attraction between us. 

We hung out a few times and i started to have feelings for him. We started sleeping together, although i was really hoping it would turn into more (stupid really as that never usually happens). I kept falling harder and harder for him. I told him i loved him and he said he didn't feel the same but told me he cared about me and wanted to remain friends. We slept together a couple more times after this, and then he eventually told me he thinks we should stop because it is hurting me.

After this we would still talk but he was acting distant and weird. I have such severe anxiety that whenever he wouldn't reply for a while i would get paranoid he was going to stop talking to me and disappear. I told him before we slept together that i didn't want it to ruin our friendship, and we both said we wouldn't let it, so i would keep sending messages if he didn't reply, and i would get really angry sometimes saying i think he just used me and now had no interest in speaking, especially if he read the messages and didn't respond, or if he was visibly on other social media but had not got back to me. I did this for a week and was pretty bad. 

He would always reply eventually saying he was just busy or was out and that i needed to chill out and calm down, but i still continued. Our sex had ended and we weren't hanging out anymore so i kept feeling like this was the reason we weren't seeing each other anymore. I tried many times to invite him somewhere or ask if he wanted to do things but he kept declining. He told me the way i was being was pushing him away and i needed to just relax and if i stopped going off if he didn't get back we could hang out and be normal friends. I was also insisting i still wanted to sleep together which may not have helped.

So the other day we were talking and i asked him if we were honestly ever going to hang out because i wasn't going to keep trying and reaching out to be friends with someone who didn't want to be. He told me that it would be a bit awkward to hang out with how i kept complaining at him and going off on him and that maybe if i stopped and calmed down we would eventually. So because i was upset i told him maybe my feelings were too strong and i should just stop talking to him, and he responded saying he understood and thinks maybe i am right as i seem in pain about all of this. How nonchalant he seemed about everything made me pretty upset because i felt he didn't even care. Our texting continued and he said he wanted to help me with my concerns of pregnancy as last time we slept together we had a little mishap and are hoping that i am not pregnant, but he had had enough of me going off and was turning his phone off.

So i responded saying i just felt like he didn't care and felt like he was just blowing me off and i have tried so hard to be a friend to him and maintain a friendship with him. I also said i was concerned about the pregnancy thing and i really wanted and needed his help with that as i don't currently have any income. I even called him twice to try and talk to him to which of course he never picked up. Then hours later he got back to me. He said that he wanted me to sign up for something to where he could wire me money to help out get tested for pregnancy and then this needed to stop. The amount he offered was a few hundred so i am not sure why he was offering me so much. He said he was a nice guy but i have pushed him away. I got too intense and clingy and i am making him miserable, but he said he cared about me and wanted to help out. He said i had 24 hours to get him the details and if he didn't have them by then he was just going to block me from everything, but he said if i did he would wait to hear the results. He also said if i continued going off at him he would have no choice but to block me from everything and just leave me to it. 

So yesterday i sent him a fb message saying that i hope he was feeling better and that i was sincerely sorry for everything and i never meant to push him away or make him stressed. I wanted to stay friends but i understood if he didn't want to and assumed he would be blocking me from everything as i do not want him to feel pushed into a corner or blackmailed and i was declining the money because it wasn't his responsibility to be sending that much and i would just find a way to test myself, and obviously if he wanted to support me i would welcome it. He read it, but he never replied to it nor did he block me, although he said if i declined he would block me from everything.

I really don't know what to do. I hate bad feeling with people and feel like my clingy intense behavior has pushed away someone i really cared about and wanted to maintain a friendship with. I want to fix it. I am not sure why he never blocked as he said he would.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I swear I read this same story before here on TAM. Did you post before? It sounds so familiar.

Get tested for pregnancy first and foremost. Find out. You can have blood work done to confirm or purchase an at-home test.

If you are pregnant, you should inform him and decide what to do. 

If you are not pregnant, please listen up and listen well: stop doing this back and forth with him. It's not healthy. You are only prolonging the inevitable. He is not into you. He made that abundantly clear on several occasions and told you straight up he did not feel the same way about you. That was your cue to fall way back. Continuing sleeping with him was not a good idea but it's done now. 

The fact remains: he does not want a relationship with you and your behavior after he told you he didn't feel the same way has probably only cemented the fact he does not want to pursue a relationship with you.

I had a similar experience, only I was the guy in your story. Met a guy, seemed we were friends, we went out a a few times and I decided I did not feel the same about him. I told him this and what was once a nice guy turned into a completely desperate, clingy, pathetic shell of the person I knew, blowing up my phone all day asking for explanations why, being rude/mean to me, going from nice in one text to calling me names/cursing, apologizing and then doing it all over again, saying he wanted to be friends/insulting me/then saying he was sorry, on and on and on. I told him to "chill out" too and he only amped it up to the point where I was seriously anxious anytime my phone blinked and it was him and so turned off that I totally lost it and told him I did not want him to contact me again. 

There is something MAJOR to be said for respecting someone's No. He told you NO about a relationship and you tried to force it. Sad to say, but there's probably no coming back from this cause all he sees now is a stage 5 clinger in you. I'm not trying to be cruel, I am just painting for you the picture of what it looks like from the other side.

Please find your dignity and stop this behavior. It is clear he doesn't want a relationship with you. You insisting on contact with him is only setting you back every time you reach out to him. 

DO get tested for pregnancy STAT. Perhaps it's not what you meant but it kinda sounds like you are lording over a possible pregnancy over this guy in order to stay in contact with him. That is not cool. A pregnancy is kind of a big deal and if you think making him wonder "What if I am" is going to bring him back to you, you are wrong. You also mention that you have a disease that has gotten pretty bad, and if you are pregnant, you really need to find out. 

Get tested STAT.

In the future, be mindful that casual sex may not be something you can do. Have a talk with whoever you are seeing about where you stand before sleeping together.


----------



## lexyloo (May 13, 2015)

Thanks for your reply. The only reason that i have not tested is because it is too early right now. I am actually really hoping i am not because of my disease, and i know that me being pregnant wouldn't keep a guy in contact with someone. I just feel like i messed up a friendship and want to fix it, although maybe it isn't possible. I am just confused as to why he never blocked me when he said if i didn't accept the money he would.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I'm not going to lie, to me, it sounds like you are using the birth control mishap as a way to keep him near. When is your period due? You can get pregnancy tests from the dollar store. He gave you a couple hundred dollars for an abortion, not for a pregnancy test. That was his "subtle" way of saying he doesn't want a child with you.

I have to agree with everything Jellybeans said. Leave the man alone, it's evident that you have pushed him away to the point of no return. Now it's time to redirect the focus back to you. Hopefully, you learned something from this situation so that you don't find yourself in another one like it.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I swear I read this same story before here on TAM. Did you post before? It sounds so familiar.
> 
> Get tested for pregnancy first and foremost. Find out. You can have blood work done to confirm or purchase an at-home test.
> 
> ...


Yep. I have had this happen with a woman I was seeing and same thing. Trying to guilt someone into a relationship with you is a HUGE turnoff. I would say he is likely not interested in a friendship now either. It will be hard OP but best you stop all contact so you can heal and move on


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with jellybeans. Sister, you're acting like a nut. He said he wasn't into you and you slept with him anyway, so that's on you. Then you basically harass him and try to force yourself on him. Give it a rest. .... and yes, the friendship is over. Learn from your mistakes and move on. He's a nice guy but you don't take no for an answer.

Please do verify the pregnancy, but if it turns out you are please do not use the child to try and manipulate him into getting involved with you. That decision must be his alone. 

Why don't you have any income?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lexyloo (May 13, 2015)

Every time i try and reply my message says it needs to be approved before posted so i am not sure if my replies will be out of sync in this thread, but i actually won't be able to keep the child if i am pregnant. I will admit i have been extremely clingy with him and intense, but i was never trying to convince him of a relationship. I told him many times that i felt maybe i should just stop talking to him due to my feelings and he convinced me many times to remain friends. He said he wanted to be friends and cared about me so this is why i kept in touch regardless of my feelings. This past week after we slept together and he was being distant, yes i admit i was in the wrong and couldn't control my emotion about it all. Sometimes i even went a few days without contact before and he would always contact me again. This is what kept confusing me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustTired said:


> I'm not going to lie, to me, it sounds like you are using the birth control mishap as a way to keep him near. When is your period due? You can get pregnancy tests from the dollar store. He gave you a couple hundred dollars for an abortion, not for a pregnancy test. That was his "subtle" way of saying he doesn't want a child with you.


:iagree:



Wolf1974 said:


> Yep. I have had this happen with a woman I was seeing and same thing. Trying to guilt someone into a relationship with you is a HUGE turnoff. I would say he is likely not interested in a friendship now either. It will be hard OP but best you stop all contact so you can heal and move on


:iagree: Nothing makes someone run away faster than someone trying to force you into feelings or a relationship with them. It reminds me of that cartoon Pepe LePew. It's a massive turn off when you see someone completely losing their mind when you've told them you don't feel the same way. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, you're acting like a nut. He said he wasn't into you and you slept with him anyway, so that's on you. Then you basically harass him and try to force yourself on him. Give it a rest. .... and yes, the friendship is over. Learn from your mistakes and move on. He's a nice guy but you don't take no for an answer.


Yep. x 10. 

That's what happened to me and honestly, had the guy just fallen back, I would have had an entirely different opinion of him. But then he turned into someone who had zero respect for my boundaries and his absolute disregard when I told him to stop only put (shoved) the nail in the coffin. He blew my phone up, my Facebook, everything. I was soooo turned off.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think I read a very similar story here a few months back.

Regardless, he is not into you. AT ALL. He was using you and your body for convenient sex.

Honestly, to HIM you are coming across as a psycho stalker -- think Glenn Close "bunny boiler" in the movie *Fatal Attraction.*

Back off. Leave him alone. Take the pregnancy test. Assuming it's negative, stop having unprotected, "oopsy" sex with men who are not committed to you. You are trying to trap him and he is clearly not interested.

You need a wakeup call, so here it is.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

lexyloo said:


> I really don't know what to do. I hate bad feeling with people and feel like my clingy intense behavior has pushed away someone i really cared about and wanted to maintain a friendship with. I want to fix it. I am not sure why he never blocked as he said he would.


You are correct. Your behavior has pushed him away. For good. You can't fix it. As for never blocking you like he said he would, you're reaching for a glimmer of hope. And there is none. Don't read something into nothing. 

Move on, do not contact him again unless you're pregnant, he has a right to know, but that doesn't mean an automatic relationship. 

He gets 1,000 points for total honesty. From what you've posted, he is indeed a stand-up guy. He has told you unequivocally how he feels. Time to find your dignity and leave him alone now.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I dated someone a few times back in my late teens/early 20's (can't remember) and when I told him it wasn't working out he went crazy, got on his knees and begged, tried to forcibly kiss me, and repeatedly showed up at my house (dad's, I was in college and living my dad) and cry to my dad. My poor dad didn't know what to do and tried to tell him that a lot of people get dumped and you move on. It didn't help, this idiot still turned up everywhere. Finally he stopped but several years later turned up at the mall where I worked right before closing time to beg some more. 

Made me think he was even more pathetic then I already did. I dated this idiot over the course of a month and he acted like a lunatic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lexyloo (May 13, 2015)

I had a few times before this last week that i did think cutting him out was the best option. When i tried to do this he would say "wow" or try to convince me we were friends and everything was fine. One particular time i told him i thought it was best to move and best that i not see him anymore. I had left some things at his place that i needed to get back. I asked when a convenient time would be to pick them up. He suggested i come by after he had finished work one night. I told him i would rather not see him and would it be okay for him to leave them somewhere for me to come and pick up when he wasn't around. He said wow you don't want to see me, and got weird about it. Of course i wanted to see him, but this is what confused me and made me compromise my strong feelings because i wanted him in my life. 

Every time he would do this i thought maybe he did care about me and want me as a friend, and this situation was after we had stopped the sex. Also, sometimes i would purposely go a few days without reaching out and he would always contact me. These are all the things that just had me really confused. Also, when i would contact him clingy i was never pushing a relationship or asking why we couldn't be in one, i was just wondering if he did use me for sex because a lot of people wondered if he did and was using friendship as an excuse not to feel like a bad guy, although he always seemed to want to keep me around for some reason. I take 100 percent responsibility for the past week and pushing him away. 

I am not saying any of this changes the situation now at all, it just honestly had me confuse as to why he kept trying to convince me not to cut contact, even after we had stopped sleeping together.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hey Lexyloo, 

If you think being friends with someone is challenging, just wait till you get married! When you get married, is not like you can just switch off your home when someone gets upset and have it block everyone, although some people of your generation try, bless their hearts.

Badsanta


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I dated someone a few times back in my late teens/early 20's (can't remember) and when I told him it wasn't working out he went crazy, got on his knees and begged, tried to forcibly kiss me, *and repeatedly showed up at my house* (dad's, I was in college and living my dad) and cry to my dad. *My poor dad didn't know what to do and tried to tell him that a lot of people get dumped and you move on. * It didn't help, this idiot still turned up everywhere. Finally he stopped but several years later turned up at the mall where I worked right before closing time to beg some more.
> 
> Made me think he was even more pathetic then I already did. I dated this idiot over the course of a month and he acted like a lunatic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ok that story about your dad consoling him made me :rofl: You dad sounds like a good man. 
Hilarious visuals too of the sobbing man. And INSANE that he showed up years later. Honestly I woulda been freaked out!


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

You told him how you feel, far too many times.

Back off.

I mean this sincerely, what you need to do is *back off.*

That is your one and only option. Let him make the decision, though I think he already has, to walk away. He seems like a "nice guy," afraid to hurt your feelings (because you act so volatile and obsessed) so he strings you along. The boy is just as scared of your reaction, as you are of abandonment.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok that story about your dad consoling him made me :rofl: You dad sounds like a good man.
> Hilarious visuals too of the sobbing man. And INSANE that he showed up years later. Honestly I woulda been freaked out!


My dad was awesome on so many levels, the world is a darker place without him. But thinking about the stuff he said still makes me laugh. 

He was very pragmatic and applied it to his own life as well. I can tell you that while this idiot was sobbing my dad was probably thinking "lifeistooshort, wtf were you thinking? At least you wised up and got rid of this idiot".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I dated someone a few times back in my late teens/early 20's (can't remember) and when I told him it wasn't working out he went crazy, got on his knees and begged, tried to forcibly kiss me, and repeatedly showed up at my house (dad's, I was in college and living my dad) and cry to my dad. My poor dad didn't know what to do and tried to tell him that a lot of people get dumped and you move on. It didn't help, this idiot still turned up everywhere. Finally he stopped but several years later turned up at the mall where I worked right before closing time to beg some more.
> 
> Made me think he was even more pathetic then I already did. I dated this idiot over the course of a month and he acted like a lunatic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damn girl. Next time save the really good stuff for later in the relationship!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Damn girl. Next time save the really good stuff for later in the relationship!



I know right? You'd think I ended a long term relationship or marriage with a lot of investment, not a month long thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Lexyloo, you both used each other for sex.
Can you at least accept that, or do you need him to admit to that?

Nobody wants to admit they used somebody for sex, and you probably don't want to admit that you used sex to get closer to somebody.

It was a moment, lost in passion, don't hold onto expectations that you agreed not to have.

When he clearly stated that he did not want sex to change the nature of the friendship, he was saying in the most respectful way he knew, "we are going to use each other for sex."

Why do you feel you now have the right to accuse him of thought crime?

In the very least, you are projecting your shame and guilt onto him.

You both used each other, if that bothers you, you need to deal with it as your issue, not his. Give him that same freedom.


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

lexyloo said:


> Our texting continued and he said he wanted to help me with my concerns of pregnancy as last time we slept together we had a little mishap and are hoping that i am not pregnant, but he had had enough of me going off and was turning his phone off.


When you are a big girl, big enough to have sex, you do the following things:
1) Use birth control.
2) Use a backup method - like a condom. 
3) If you have a "mishap", as you put it, get yourself some damn Plan-B at the pharmacy.
4) If you are afraid you are pregnant, get a freaking pregnancy test. While your partner needs to know, you don't badger him. Go spend the $15 bucks and the 30 minutes it takes to get to drug store, then piss on the stick!!!

No wonder he has backed off and is turning his phone off. Most people would do just that.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Stage 4 clinger, maybe 5 (if he was her first)


----------

