# I found my husband making out with a friend



## chikita2 (May 8, 2018)

We've been married for for over 3 years but dating 11 years. I have 2 kids from previous relationship. My kids have never met any other man then him since they were babies. Hes a great father! like any relationship we have our up and downs. 

We had a party at our house with close friends and one particular girlfriend stayed over to sleep at our home. It hasn't been the 1st time either. I've only known her for a year. Shes and x to one of his buddies. I had decided to end the night and gone to sleep after 3 am and left her and him singing karaoke. Id ask him to go to bed and he said he would come up later. I woke up around 7 am to some noises that i thought were loud kisses and heard it a second time. I walked to the edge of the stairs and see her laying in the couch and him kneeling beside her rubbing her and kissing her all over her face. He was creasing her face and rubbing his hands all over, tickling her feet, listening to romantic music. She was giggling and was awake. Because I had heard them talking when I had woken up. I knew he was drunk because he would get up drink his beer and then dance and shacked his ass against her and would kneel again to kiss her. I stood there for about 3 mins just watching them. I felt my heart beating so hard that I thought they could hear it. I wanted to see how far they would go. I made a slight move and the stairs creaked! I just went crazy! kicked her and tried to sober him up but he wasn't coherent. I sent him to bed to sober up. 
This isn't the 1st time he'd drank so much that he cant remember what he did. A few month before we got married he had gone out with his friends and had too much to drink. I remember that night he had woken me up in the middle of the night as he was passing through our room and froze when he saw i had gotten up. I thought he'd just come home and was going to the bathroom. I woke up the next morning but he wasn't beside me. I thought I had dreamed seeing him in the middle of the night. So I got up and looked for him. Our kids were gone with their dad so I looked in their rooms and saw a blanked covered. I pull the blanked where I thought he would be but I saw another woman I had never seen in my life! I thought this must be a mistake! Then I look towards the end of the bed and I see a big bump and i pull the covers and there he is passed out. Both of them passed out! Neither one of them realized I was standing in front of them! I yelled and cried. I kicked her out and same thing he was too drunk. He didn't remember he was laying under the covers. I was in shock that time and as soon as i uncovered him I yelled at him and her and locked my self in my room crying. I don't recall if he or she were dressed. He promised me nothing happened and that's when he decided to stop drinking and limit it to 3. I decided to forgive him that time but to this day I never really forgot what I saw. Hes a good husband and great father to my kids. 

This time I kicked him out of the house and asked him to give me time to think and get my head straight. I've made an appt to see a therapist to help me with this because at this moment I'm ready to end my marriage.If this was the 1st time I would try to work things out, but its not. The only reason that I'm even considering seeing a specialist is for my kids. I don't make enough to provide to them the life they have. I know that is not important but I would take so much away from them. They love him as if he was another father to them. I don't know if I could forgive him again. I haven't told my family or his yet until I can decide what to do. I feel so much anger then pain. Could I live my life thinking if he drinks again will this happen again? Even if he promises he wont even drink one beer. I would always wonder if he goes out with friends anywhere did he drink? I don't even know if you can blame alchohol for what he did? Is it just him? Any advise will help me.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

He needs to START with NO ALCOHOL, none.
Second, he does not go OUT to parties.
Third, if he wants to go out, you are there, period. When you say it's time to leave. Both of you leave.
Fourth, he has to join AA.

Then, he has to start working on regaining your trust.

Flip side is, do you want to be his probation officer for a long time?

You don't say what his reaction to being kicked out.


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

chikita2 said:


> I had decided to end the night and gone to sleep after 3 am and left her and him singing karaoke.


Never do this.


----------



## chikita2 (May 8, 2018)

He's apologized but I've asked me to not message me and really give me time. Because if he can't I'm ready to end our marriage. This happened yesterday morning so he hasn't messaged me other then once apologizing and it was not his intention and there are no excuses for what he did. 
I don't think I can live my life controlling his every move. I have to trust him to stay with with him. But I don't know how to trust him. I know he will say no to drinking and he will probably stick with it. But just like what happened what if he fails again? What if in a moment of weakness he drinks even one beer? Is that a cause to divorce him? I dont think I can live my feeling this way and I don't want to babysit him either.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not interested in stopping. He's had enough chances. Yes, you could spend the rest of your life worrying about what he's doing -- and with whom -- but that's obviously not a good way to live.


----------



## chikita2 (May 8, 2018)

Your right. I just trusted him. I knew he was sober and had 2 beers. I had a weird feeling about leaving him but had trusted he was in good shape and I know if he was sober he wouldn't of done this. But I guess you never know.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Like others have said...

If you take him back, he has to stop drinking, no questions asked. 

And he has a lot of work to do if you decide to take him back. 

You know the first time that he more than likely screw that women in the bed. 

His behavior is so completely out of line, I don't even know what to say. 

You take your time about your decision, but if he does not stop drinking I don't think that you can even think about taking him back. 

And guess what, being drunk is not an excuse for screwing around, Never...


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Stop saying he's a good husband and father - he isn't!

A good father and husband would NEVER do this! Not even once!

Now he's shown it's his pattern... this IS what he does.

It's unacceptable and I wouldn't take him back. 

He doesn't respect you and he's not honoring you.

You can't trust him and never will - why would you? It's his pattern - part of who he is (cheating).

Just let him go knowing he will do it again.

One time forgiving? Ok. More than once? No way!!!!

Know you can't change him - you shouldn't have to. You also should t have to ask him to quit drinking - he knows he should make that decision, yet he hasn't.


And I'm sure he remembers both times - men don't forget these ocassions. Why is he staying up all night? Drugs? That would be my guess... 

Men like this shouldn't ever get married. You want to mess around - then stay single!


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

chikita2 said:


> He's apologized but I've asked me to not message me and really give me time. Because if he can't I'm ready to end our marriage. This happened yesterday morning so he hasn't messaged me other then once apologizing and it was not his intention and there are no excuses for what he did.
> I don't think I can live my life controlling his every move. I have to trust him to stay with with him. But I don't know how to trust him. I know he will say no to drinking and he will probably stick with it. But just like what happened what if he fails again? What if in a moment of weakness he drinks even one beer? Is that a cause to divorce him? I dont think I can live my feeling this way and I don't want to babysit him either.


I'm sorry. I am married to a RA and to be honest alcohol is not an excuse in this situation. The saying goes something like this, you have a cheating alcoholic, what do you get when you take away the alcohol, a cheater. Not all alcoholics cheat, so that is simply a cover. 
He has shown he is a cheater more than once. I would suggest you kick him to the kerb. Unless he is prepared to be sober from this day onwards and do all the necessary work to achieve that you will live on edge and he will cheat again. Do you want to go through this again?


----------



## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

I am sorry that you had to go through this pain but the upside is you have found out earlier rather than later. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Do you have anyone close you can lean on right now?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like a serial cheater to me. I don’t think it will stop. He does this in your house with you at home. What do you think he does when you’re not around?

If you want a faithful husband, you’ll have to move on.
The drinking is just an excuse he uses to pretend he isn’t planning this type of behavior.
Don’t fall for that. He’s not a loyal husband. How he is as a dad is immaterial. You count too.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

chikita2 said:


> We've been married for for over 3 years but dating 11 years. I have 2 kids from previous relationship. My kids have never met any other man then him since they were babies. Hes a great father! like any relationship we have our up and downs.
> 
> We had a party at our house with close friends and one particular girlfriend stayed over to sleep at our home. It hasn't been the 1st time either. I've only known her for a year. Shes and x to one of his buddies. I had decided to end the night and gone to sleep after 3 am and left her and him singing karaoke. Id ask him to go to bed and he said he would come up later. I woke up around 7 am to some noises that i thought were loud kisses and heard it a second time. I walked to the edge of the stairs and see her laying in the couch and him kneeling beside her rubbing her and kissing her all over her face. He was creasing her face and rubbing his hands all over, tickling her feet, listening to romantic music. She was giggling and was awake. Because I had heard them talking when I had woken up. I knew he was drunk because he would get up drink his beer and then dance and shacked his ass against her and would kneel again to kiss her. I stood there for about 3 mins just watching them. I felt my heart beating so hard that I thought they could hear it. I wanted to see how far they would go. I made a slight move and the stairs creaked! I just went crazy! kicked her and tried to sober him up but he wasn't coherent. I sent him to bed to sober up.
> This isn't the 1st time he'd drank so much that he cant remember what he did. A few month before we got married he had gone out with his friends and had too much to drink. I remember that night he had woken me up in the middle of the night as he was passing through our room and froze when he saw i had gotten up. I thought he'd just come home and was going to the bathroom. I woke up the next morning but he wasn't beside me. I thought I had dreamed seeing him in the middle of the night. So I got up and looked for him. Our kids were gone with their dad so I looked in their rooms and saw a blanked covered. I pull the blanked where I thought he would be but I saw another woman I had never seen in my life! I thought this must be a mistake! Then I look towards the end of the bed and I see a big bump and i pull the covers and there he is passed out. Both of them passed out! Neither one of them realized I was standing in front of them! I yelled and cried. I kicked her out and same thing he was too drunk. He didn't remember he was laying under the covers. I was in shock that time and as soon as i uncovered him I yelled at him and her and locked my self in my room crying. I don't recall if he or she were dressed. He promised me nothing happened and that's when he decided to stop drinking and limit it to 3. I decided to forgive him that time but to this day I never really forgot what I saw. Hes a good husband and great father to my kids.
> ...


*From you rather apt narrative, I don't really think that this was exactly his first time at the rodeo!

You're a big girl ~ you know what to do!*


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Before you can begin to work on your marriage, he has to stop drinking completely and for the rest of his life. None of that limit it to 3 crap. He may have good intentions with that limit but what happens is after 3 drinks he no longer gives a sh*t and gets wasted. That has to be dealt with before you can gain positive traction working on the marriage.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

chikita2 this scenario sucks for you and the kids, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I know what it's like to lose trust in someone and I will tell you from my own experience I wasted an additional ten years of my life hoping for the best but the best never happened. 

One very sad revelation is you likely don't know the half of what he has done. His judgement is extremely poor, you think he is a good father but do not make the mistake and trust him to be a delight dad, or a committed husband. Maybe him becoming sober would help but how long before you could trust him again? 

I would tell you to cut and run but I know how hard that can be once you've started building a life with someone. People can change for the better but it doesn't happen often enough, be very very careful and don't waste a big chunk of your life waiting for change. I sure wish I hadn't wasted ten years of my life hoping for change and hoping to trust again.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Divorce him.




The Red Queen-


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

chikita2 said:


> He's apologized but I've asked me to not message me and really give me time. Because if he can't I'm ready to end our marriage. This happened yesterday morning so he hasn't messaged me other then once apologizing and it was not his intention and there are no excuses for what he did.
> I don't think I can live my life controlling his every move. I have to trust him to stay with with him. But I don't know how to trust him. I know he will say no to drinking and he will probably stick with it. But just like what happened what if he fails again? What if in a moment of weakness he drinks even one beer? Is that a cause to divorce him? I dont think I can live my feeling this way and I don't want to babysit him either.


If our H is drinking to excess(blacking out) he needs professional help. Your H does not realize he has a drinking problem. Not until your H does, this issue will resurface every weekend. If he says no to stopping the drinking it my be best to for tough love. Touch love meaning get help or get a divorce. Children are involved. What next? Driving under the influence or is your H there already?


----------



## chikita2 (May 8, 2018)

before we got married he would drink only weekends but when he did, he would not limit himself. After we got married and the whole issue with him not remembering that he had was caught with another woman in bed he changed his drinking habits. He would have 2-3 drink only if he went out. I know the alcohol should not be an excuse. He never drinks when the kids are around and I think he can stop if i ask him too. But I feel the damage might done. 
Hes mom and dad were both drug addicts and passed away when he was young. He has never smoked or done any type of drugs in his life. When he realized how he was not able to control himself when he drank past a certain point, it didnt take him much to limit himself. He would never want to be like his parents. My kids father helps me with child support. But I know that he can't do anymore than what he does. He has a family of his own to support too. 

Its hard to hear from other people that I should leave him because part of me wants that but I cant say it out loud! I wonder if I am damaged goods and will not be able to trust or be with someone. Dating was hard and I wouldn't want to introduce another man in my kids life. If it was just me I would have left. F#@k the house and alimony or everything we built together!. I don't need any of that. I work and can support myself. Hes been gone for 3 days now and I forgot how hard it was being a single mom again. Even tho my kids are a little older now they need to go their sports activities, dentist, doctors/therapist. I feel I would have to cut down on a lot for them. 

My husband has a fundraiser for schools to supply sports equipment for schools under budget. I told my kids he left on a trip to deliver the equipment because they tell me they miss him already. He was the one who helped with homework while i took the other to their activities or cooked dinner, library, school events. I know I'm not the only one that does this. I guess I just know what it was like before we got married. 

Ive been ready about postnup. Is anyone familiar with that?


----------



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

chikita2 said:


> before we got married he would drink only weekends but when he did, he would not limit himself. After we got married and the whole issue with him not remembering that he had was caught with another woman in bed he changed his drinking habits. He would have 2-3 drink only if he went out. I know the alcohol should not be an excuse. He never drinks when the kids are around and I think he can stop if i ask him too. But I feel the damage might done.
> Hes mom and dad were both drug addicts and passed away when he was young. He has never smoked or done any type of drugs in his life. When he realized how he was not able to control himself when he drank past a certain point, it didnt take him much to limit himself. He would never want to be like his parents. My kids father helps me with child support. But I know that he can't do anymore than what he does. He has a family of his own to support too.
> 
> Its hard to hear from other people that I should leave him because part of me wants that but I cant say it out loud! I wonder if I am damaged goods and will not be able to trust or be with someone. Dating was hard and I wouldn't want to introduce another man in my kids life. If it was just me I would have left. F#@k the house and alimony or everything we built together!. I don't need any of that. I work and can support myself. Hes been gone for 3 days now and I forgot how hard it was being a single mom again. Even tho my kids are a little older now they need to go their sports activities, dentist, doctors/therapist. I feel I would have to cut down on a lot for them.
> ...


I'm sorry you are here sharing your story, it breaks my heart hearing about the kids that are put through hardship of no fault of their own.

Don't ever feel you're damage goods, things will get difficult but it gets better.

What it sounds to me you need help with your 3 children, heck my wife and I have two and its incredibly difficult and exhausting.
If you have a cousin, sibling, a good friend, someone you can realy trust that can mame a world of difference.

It's time to do you.

S1

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## chikita2 (May 8, 2018)

SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DECIDED TO DO BEFORE HE CAN EVEN COME HOME:

*No contact includes email, text, social media,call or mutual friend with any x-girlfriend or anyone I feel uncomfortable with
*I need passwords and access to all your accounts (computer, social media, everything)
*I want a post nup agreement if he ever has ANY type of inappropriate behavior with another woman we will use post nup agreement if anything close to infidelity happens again.
*Im not saying we are back together but I will be willing to be parents, roommate until we finish therapy and we BOTH decide we want to continue with our marriage. (before doing this I want post-nup agreement done with a lawyer before you come home. 
*You move your things downstairs until we fix our situation. 
*I need time and space. Please limit to talking to me or trying to do things for me to make us better. That is only temporarily and I dont need that now. 
*Mothers day I want to just spend it with the kids and my family
*If we cannot both agree on a post-nup agreement then we can just go ahead and file for divorce.
*If we dont go to therapy then we can file for divorce
*Zero alcohol!

Is this good or am I missing anything?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chikita2 said:


> He's apologized but I've asked me to not message me and really give me time. Because if he can't I'm ready to end our marriage. This happened yesterday morning so he hasn't messaged me other then once apologizing and it was not his intention and there are no excuses for what he did.
> I don't think I can live my life controlling his every move. I have to trust him to stay with with him. But I don't know how to trust him. I know he will say no to drinking and he will probably stick with it. But just like what happened what if he fails again? What if in a moment of weakness he drinks even one beer? Is that a cause to divorce him? I dont think I can live my feeling this way and I don't want to babysit him either.


He seems to have no boundaries either with women or drink.
Can you live with that? I couldn't. 

BTW why do you need to see a therapist?Its he who has done wrong here not you. You just need to decide if you want to live with a cheat or not.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

chikita2 said:


> SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DECIDED TO DO BEFORE HE CAN EVEN COME HOME:
> 
> *No contact includes email, text, social media,call or mutual friend with any x-girlfriend or anyone I feel uncomfortable with
> *I need passwords and access to all your accounts (computer, social media, everything)
> ...


How about no more drinking!!!! Not ONE drop! And no more being alone with any gal ever! He can't be trusted to not drink and he can't be trusted to not cheat!

Until he changes everything about those items - I don't see why you would consider anything with him!

HE needs to be willing to do everything necessary to EARN your trust back! If he's not gonna bend over backwards to do all of this then don't consider anything! He's a known excessive drinker and a known cheat. NONE of that is husband material!

You tell him if he needs to act that way he SHOULD be single.


----------



## chikita2 (May 8, 2018)

I guess the reason I thought of seeing a therapist was to see if they can help me make the right decision. My head is just all over the place. I dont want to just act out of emotion .


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

chikita2 said:


> I guess the reason I thought of seeing a therapist was to see if they can help me make the right decision. My head is just all over the place. I dont want to just act out of emotion .


I can understand that part... but when there is a pattern - that's who that person is.

YOU can't make (or expect) HIM to change! 

You either stay knowing this is who he is and it's what he does - or you divorce him knowing you can't live with who he really is.

It's that simple! Expecting HIM to change to accommodate your wishes isn't logical. Most people don't change...or IF they do - they resent the person who requested they change things about who they are.

Just saying...


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

chikita2 said:


> SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DECIDED TO DO BEFORE HE CAN EVEN COME HOME:
> 
> *No contact includes email, text, social media,call or mutual friend with any x-girlfriend or anyone I feel uncomfortable with
> *I need passwords and access to all your accounts (computer, social media, everything)
> ...


Is being with this guy really worth all this? Sounds miserable honestly.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Is it mostly love or mostly fear that's keeping you from ending it? If it's mostly fear, bounce. You won't regret it once you transition.


----------

