# Newbie in need of help!



## Reaper39

I've been married for nearly 13 years now and we are going through a rough patch where my wife said that she has lost her passion for me. She didn't want me to leave the house, says she loves me and I'm confused as all hell as what to do. I love her and our two boys, when I look at her I still feel the same passion but she has lost hers and she said that she hopes it returns. 

Life and work has taken my focus away from the romantic aspect of our relationship but I've been trying the past two months. We have good days and days where I feel as if we are wasting time but I know that I love her so I keep brushing it off. We've had sex twice, once was a horrible feeling but our second time which was last Sunday felt like old times then she goes back to being the Ice Queen. I'm beyond confused and need some guidance.


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## anchorwatch

Welcome 

Have you discussed counseling? 

Is your wife open to you trying to regain that feeling between you?

When was the last time you dated you wife? 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## Reaper39

anchorwatch said:


> Have you discussed counseling?
> 
> Is your wife open to you trying to regain that feeling between you?
> 
> When was the last time you dated you wife?
> 
> Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


She brought up counseling and I set up an appointment but she said she felt uncomfortable opening up to a stranger and we began talking to each other about a lot of things.

She said she doesn't want to lose me and hopes that her passion is restored.

In the past two months we have gone out on a date twice and currently have a date for this Saturday our unofficial anniversary, we met each other November 28, 1999


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## the guy

Are there any other red flags that would indicate she has found someone else?

Working late, girls night out, going out to lunch with a male coworker she often mentions, change in appearance and unaccounted time.

My point here is you can become the best husband in the world now and make some great changes in your self...but it won't mean a thing if you are competing with a new man or new women for that matter.

I would not ask her but I would look into other red flags of infidelity.


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## Reaper39

the guy said:


> Are there any other red flags that would indicate she has found someone else?
> 
> Working late, girls night out, going out to lunch with a male coworker she often mentions, change in appearance and unaccounted time.
> 
> My point here is you can become the best husband in the world now and make some great changes in your self...but it won't mean a thing if you are competing with a new man or new women for that matter.
> 
> I would not ask her but I would look into other red flags of infidelity.


No, she always had girls night out but it was once in a blue moon so nothing changed there, no mention of a male coworker, her appearance has maintained and no unaccounted time. We spoke of infidelity on both ends and we both denied.


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## anchorwatch

Start a thread in the general section, you'll get a lot more responses there. 

She sounds like she willing, though I can't gauge how much. Here's some reading that many here have used, familiarize yourself, it can be of great help. 

His Needs, Her Needs

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men 

I'll advise you not to beg or plead, those behaviors don't make you look attractive. Behaviors that improve yourself look attractive. Like being the best man, father, partner, and leader you can be. That makes you look attractive. 

Best


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## MarriedDude

Reaper39 said:


> She brought up counseling and I set up an appointment but she said she felt uncomfortable opening up to a stranger and we began talking to each other about a lot of things.
> 
> She said she doesn't want to lose me and *hopes that her passion is restored.*
> 
> In the past two months we have gone out on a date twice and currently have a date for this Saturday our unofficial anniversary, we met each other November 28, 1999


Soooooo...in other words -you are in complete control of her passion, excitement, etc....

(the following is only valid if you have no crazy elephant in the room)

want to turn this around? STOP CHASING her. DO NOT act like a lost little puppy. remember that guy you were before marriage and domestication? Go be him. Treat her respectfully, honestly like a partner....DO NOT dump out your purse and tell her about your feelings. 

1. Start going to the Gym -lift heavy weights (this will both make you look better and feel better)
2. eat healthy food....don't eat processed BS that comes from a box (just because)
3. find a hobby and pursue it. 
4. work hard -keep up your career, home and vehicles. 
5. upgrade your wardrobe.
6. Stand Tall...you won the genetic powerball and were born a man. Enjoy that

in other words do all those things that you used to do before you forgot that your wife is a woman and desires to look up to, both pursue and be romanced by you. Before you forgot that your family is something to be cherished and enjoyed...not an expensive item requiring minimal attention in exchange for stuff. 

I could be way off...but "loss of passion" is one step away from ILYBINILWY

good luck


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## the guy

Reaper39 said:


> She brought up counseling and I set up an appointment but she said she felt uncomfortable opening up to a stranger and we began talking to each other about a lot of things.
> 
> She said she doesn't want to lose me and hopes that her passion is restored.
> 
> In the past two months we have gone out on a date twice and currently have a date for this Saturday our unofficial anniversary, we met each other November 28, 1999


This is a good thing....

Keep working on raising your sexual attraction by being confident...chicks dig confident guys 


On the other side of the coin....and I hope I am completely wrong here, but if and I mean if she has her eye on someone else she might not be sure that this person has the same feelings and she could be buy some time.

But what the hell do I know!


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## MarriedDude

Reaper39 said:


> No, she always had girls night out but it was once in a blue moon so nothing changed there, no mention of a male coworker, her appearance has maintained and no unaccounted time. *We spoke of infidelity on both ends and we both denied.*


I would recommend that you do not bring that up again.


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## Reaper39

MarriedDude said:


> I would recommend that you do not bring that up again.


She asked if I was ever unfaithful which I said the truth which is no so I asked her and she responded the same way. It hasn't been brought up again in all our talks and does not cross my mind. I thank all of you for your advice and we are both looking forward to our date night this Saturday, she was excited and asked if we can go see a movie she wants to watch and of course I agreed so I'm hoping for the best.


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## anchorwatch

Promising. 

What could be better to foster emotion in a marriage than dating your wife? 

A man leading in a relationship is attractive. 

Making plans instead of waiting around for direction is attractive. 

Sharing new or special activities stimulate PEA chemicals that foster deep emotional connections.

Have you looked at the reads yet?


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## Reaper39

Yes I started to read some last night and I must finish it, I thank you for those readings.


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## the guy

Reaper39 said:


> She asked if I was ever unfaithful which I said the truth which is no so I asked her and she responded the same way. It hasn't been brought up again in all our talks and does not cross my mind. I thank all of you for your advice and we are both looking forward to our date night this Saturday, she was excited and asked if we can go see a movie she wants to watch and of course I agreed so I'm hoping for the best.


Let her pick the movie, but you pick the time....and when she ask why that time....you respond with "because I can" then smack her on her butt, smile and then go clean the truck out for your date!

Remember those days when us guys had to clean out our ride to pick up our chicks? Then after a few months we would shove all the crap under the seat.Then after a year....one didn't care how many roaches were left in the ash tray and the stink of all the empty beer cans in the back seat.....LOL....picking up our chicks was just "ROUTINE".....

Anyway...enough of the 80's.....go clean your ride and find out if you can go all the way on your next date :grin2:

At the very least get to second base before she slaps you!

Then at the end of the night you guys can go home and figure out what color you all want to paint your kid's old room and if you want to turn it into a home office, sewing room, exercise room or man cave:laugh:


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## the guy

BTW...if your old lady can't be happy with picking the movie and complains about not picking the time ...well then take that shyt test and laugh it off.

Then you can turn that smack on the butt (I mentioned before) and turn it into a full on spanking.


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## Reaper39

Well she wanted to see Creed and let me tell you that this was an exciting movie and is a must see. She wanted to watch the 3:25 showing so we did, we then went out to eat and then we were home by 8pm. I had it all set up that the kids would be taken care of well into the night but by 8pm we were home with the boys. Today was our unofficial anniversary and I feel cheated, I wanted more alone time with her but I guess I should be happy that we had a good time with the short time we spent together. Feeling confused!


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## anchorwatch

Reaper,

Why are you feeling cheated now, it was your decision to let her lead the evenings outcome?

The walls will come down and intimacy will return when she feels safe with you again. 

It's a marathon, it's not a sprint. 

Lead! 

Put your post in the general section for more ideas...


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## tech-novelist

Reaper39 said:


> No, she always had girls night out but it was once in a blue moon so nothing changed there, no mention of a male coworker, her appearance has maintained and no unaccounted time. We spoke of infidelity on both ends and we both denied.


I hope you are right that she isn't cheating, but you should know that just because she says she isn't, that doesn't mean that she isn't. Cheaters are liars first and foremost. And specifically in this situation I've seen uncounted numbers of threads where the original poster says "My spouse would never cheat" and then it turns out that the spouse is doing just that.

If I were in your situation, I would see what I could find out without alerting her to my suspicions. See the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for how to do this.


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## Reaper39

Update:

Our marriage has been improving, communication is much better and we enjoyed ringing in the New Year in each others arms so here is to 2016 a year of recovery and rebuilding in our eyes!


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## TeddieG

That sounds encouraging! Best of luck to you!


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## anchorwatch

Hey, Reaper. 

She must have been glad you didn't have to work. Good for you. 

Here's to a new beginning and a happy and healthier New Year. Keep it going. 

Best

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


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## Reaper39

anchorwatch said:


> Hey, Reaper.
> 
> She must have been glad you didn't have to work. Good for you.
> 
> Here's to a new beginning and a happy and healthier New Year. Keep it going.
> 
> Best
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


15 years of seniority and a rookie class helped plus my Lt. knows what I'm going through so my 28 (vacation) was approved for New Years Eve, New Year Day and the weekend.


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## Reaper39

A week into the new year and she is showing more affection, wanting to be next to me snuggling, kissing, hugging but I'm not pushing for sex as I have learned that she needs to feel an emotional connection before we get physical again and I'm loving it. Feels like when we were dating and I even feel happier in life and started to pay attention to the little things she does again. I thank some of you for your encouraging words and I look forward to our future!


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## Spotthedeaddog

anchorwatch said:


> Promising.
> 
> What could be better to foster emotion in a marriage than dating your wife?
> 
> A man leading in a relationship is attractive.
> 
> Making plans instead of waiting around for direction is attractive.
> 
> Sharing new or special activities stimulate PEA chemicals that foster deep emotional connections.
> 
> Have you looked at the reads yet?


depends whether you can both afford it. been in relationship she loved the dating, contributed nothing, moved on when the credit card ran out. and did the same to the next guy. and the one after that. only stopped after having two kids with disabilities that gave her a regular government paycheck and free tertiary education (with fully subsidised creche)


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## Spotthedeaddog

Obviously for personal reasons she is refusing to fulfill the needs of the business operation for which she has the contracted responsibility to fulfill. It is not (should not?) be the employers responsibility to dance around her person life, since you hire people to do tasks that need to be done; not for their personal company and entertainment (a matter which we have a hard time getting through to government salaried people and their pigs trough full of taxpayer funds).

Yes it sucks ... which is why it is so damn important to get through to people that work is what is expected at a workplace, and it's not there for your personal issues

so she agreed to a no-travel (with her personal husband). You made extra effort to keep her on in the mean time, but that temporary position is becoming redundant. You are not a party to her personal marriage to her husband.

the only thing that can matter is that the husband has to realise that for big projects travel is 100% required and isn't optional.
She is going to have to choose between that career and her marriage/partner.
This is why workplace affairs are so terrible - never work out. Dating is bad, but office affairs, just No (btdt).


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## Reaper39

What?


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