# Filing 11/8.. Moving to this thread :(



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Here is my new thread. I will maintain this one as long as needed. To refresh everyone here is my quick story.

The only thing I did wrong was smother her and was insecure. Girls nights etc was usually always a fight, I was cheated on my first marriage so I drug into my second and held on everytime I thought she was slipping. She asked for me to make changes several times it would last only temp. She blames herself for not taking a firmer stance with me. Right before we split she uttered the words mid life crisis she lost a ton of weight in 09 kept it off, went back to school this year. I think a light went off in her head between the inconsistent changes and her mid life crisis. We met in her our early 20s and when she hit 30 I noticed some small crisis going on. Every bday since 30 was im not 30 im not 31 im not 32. She did put her all in after 9 years she was done. Of course I was not. I am going to counseling and seeing that through for me and my boys.


----------



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

So today I went to the mall to buy something. I ran into her BFF Mom ( her second mom) . She is a great lady, as soon as we saw each other our eyes swelled up. She was kind enough to invite me to hangout for lunch. We of course dived right into it. She had seen my SBX a few nights prior and let me know she is happy and the weight of our marriage was lifted from her as all my emotional baggage I placed on her was released. I was happy to hear that because honestly I did put her through hell. I don't hold blame myself neither does she we both just handled it wrong. During the conversation there was times our eyes swelled up. She took the mother approach and told me to make sure I was getting the help I was. I promised I was and made other promises to her that I made to my SBX about other things agreed on. Those promises I will keep private but it will help my SBX in the future financially. She helped raise my boys for 9 years and wants to stay in their lives so the least I can do in return is keep to my word about certain things. My reality is this, I am now focusing on recovery and moving forward. I am set out to be who I needed to be along time ago and maintain a new life path. My dream which I hold no hope for my sanity is one day we can R. She wants to keep my boys in her life and I want her to so do the boys because the more love they receive the better. Over time will she see me in a new light probably not! I think if she ever has those feelings even though she said she will cherish our good times, she will remember more what happened. She told me last week when we met, you may be able to change some habits but your core never changes, I challeneged her and that's not always true. As this kind lady said you never know what the future brings. 

So does another friend he said after 6 months and maybe her dating on her side with the kids still in her life it make her realize maybe the life she left was not so bad after all and if I make changes that make her see a new side who knows what that brings. He said the single world these days after being gone for 9 years is tough. After being a mother for so long as well its hard to tell what her future path will hold and what she wants. She is a Taurus and I know all to well their minds are strong and set. Very little have I ever seen her waiver. Of course for now she is saying she does not see it in the cards but you have to say that now since the stance has been made to end it. She gave 9 years of trying to change me for the good I heard her but never listened. If I did it was a short time. I thought over time it would work itself out. The kind lady also said she will pray for all of us every night, I said I will too. I have not prayed for a long time but this experience has led me to find a higher power. Her last thought was time will heal the future will being what it does. Over time my regrets will lessen I hope and my pain I know will subside. But I intend to be single for very, very long time because this is my second M, I have no desire to marry again. My heart to every woman is closed and will be for a long time. I shard everything with her, and it will be a long time before Im comfortable to do that again if ever my new me may just keep me at a safe distance at all times but let someone in just enough. I was single for 2 1/2 years before my met my second wife, this time it will be much longer. I had a lot more love in this marriage than the first I was young then. Im 33 now, this is my opportunity to make my world right. Who comes into that after im right will that's out of my control.


----------



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Today we filied . At the same time my first wife husband died in a horrible accident. My sbx was there for the boys and my ex. So this day is tragic all the way around. I asked my sbx before we filied can we still file and you come home and just work the boys just list two step parents this is a sign. She wanted to proceed with filing and be done. I understand we took the boys too lunch. She of course said anything you need let me know offered to take the boys if needed. She will be forever a mother to the kids and my best friend. I will miss her truly. My last thought to her was you never know what light you will see me in and the future holds. I still plan to go 180 as of today for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Quick update.. the funeral was 11/13 it was a great funeral. My son spoke , I spoke and several of his friends. My SBXW was at the funeral and at the wake. We chatted for a bit here and there about stuff . In conversation she told me she is dating a mutal friend which I knew was going to happen eventually, in particular I knew this one friend would be the one he was pretty much the only single one. I was talking to someone myself but it has since faded, it was a nice distraction during all of this. She was concerned I would be wierd about her dating and her talking about it I said I am not we are divorced this is the new dynamic you too have to accept it that we are now friends ( i am glad you told me in person through facebook), you wanted the divorce this is where we stand now. I have shut down the dating website i was on as I turned my focus back on to my boys 110% and now especially since they have now lost both step parents in a span of a flippin month. Today my SBXW took the boys bowling and helped my first ex at her house with some stuff. So next step has begun, just trying to get through that process.


----------



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Quick update.. the funeral was 11/13 it was a great funeral. My son spoke , I spoke and several of his friends. My SBXW was at the funeral and at the wake. We chatted for a bit here and there about stuff . In conversation she told me she is dating a mutal friend which I knew was going to happen eventually, in particular I knew this one friend would be the one he was pretty much the only single one. I was talking to someone myself but it has since faded, it was a nice distraction during all of this. She was concerned I would be wierd about her dating and her talking about it I said I am not we are divorced this is the new dynamic you too have to accept it that we are now friends ( i am glad you told me in person through facebook), you wanted the divorce this is where we stand now. I have shut down the dating website i was on as I turned my focus back on to my boys 110% and now especially since they have now lost both step parents in a span of a flippin month. Today my SBXW took the boys bowling and helped my first ex at her house with some stuff. So next step has begun, just trying to get through that process.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

DADX2, You have been through a lot and it sounds like you have done your best to be the change that your x needed. I am sad to hear about the tragic loss of your marriage and the life of your first wife's husband. 

I agree with you that people can change at their core . . . it is a process that could never be a quick fix. It seems like you are embracing this new phase in life after signing the D papers and are holding on to the belief that there can be reconciliation. 

The most important thing towards that end is to give her the space she needs and has felt that she needed for some time. It is hard not to smother sometimes, but you can now work on you, instead of your marriage.

I just saw today that you PM'd me and I will have the time later tonight to reply. Thank you for reaching out to me that way.

Again, I feel for you and what you are going through and I hope that you can confidently pick up the broken pieces and make something that will bring healing.


----------



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

After I wrote my post last night about her dating again. It hit me..hard. I am very upset today that she moved on. At some point I knew it would happen. I am happy to get this out of the way now then later so I can put all of this behind me. It hurts really really bad though. She moved on so quick its only been 1.5 months. I dare not let her know it hurts me though. I am playing the silent card right now or better know as 180. There is nothing to talk about except our weekly finances which we are sharing a checking account till next june till our house lease is over and some debt is paid off. So all I do now is send her a weekly budget then im done communicating with her for that week. If I hear she takes the boys out I said her a quick thank you text and move on. All my friends and family who know her and have talked to her a little say I got a raw deal and one day she will regret leaving, I don't buy it not her. Im just trying to process this phase. Im staying off facebook all together because frankly I don't care to see anything especially with her. Going off the radar sort of speak just taking care of me and the boys. I have my own life to build and frankly its no ones business especially hers.


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I really feel for you man! I want to let you know that you are doing the best that anyone can do. You do not seem embittered or jaded by all of this, but rather cut to your core with the fact of her moving on so quickly.

Taking care of you and respecting her with distance and space is the best thing right now. The 180 is a harsh reality. I hope it does something to spark a deeper reflection of the seriousness of this divorce in your spouse. 

I won't stand in judgement of her, but the divorce isn't even final yet (as of 11-20-13). I know it is hard, but you are going through this with dignity and you are a handling it like a real man.


----------



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Thank you I like to think so that I am holding my head as high as possible I dd go on 2 dates this week. No real connection but the dust got off the wheels ya know. I feel alot better with that step behind me. When I send the budget ... 

I say "Hi XXX I hope all is well with you, here is the budget have a good week. "

Her response is "Thank you" 

Mine is "Your Welcome"

Killing with kindness about as 180 as possible


----------

