# Dont know what to do.... I need advice!



## Melissa522 (Oct 23, 2011)

I'm 26 years old and my husband and I got married in January of 2005 (almost 7 yrs ago) We have 2 little boys one is 6 and one is 3. Hubby and I have had our share of ups and downs. but lately it feels like my marriage is just crumbling and i cant do anything to fix it. I don't feel like his wife anymore, i feel like his maid, cook, child care provider, and room mate. He says he loves me, but he doesn't really show it, there fore i don't feel it. Hes not affectionate any more unless its convenient for him, i cant remember the last time him and I did something just the 2 of us, or even the 4 of us as a family. I cant remember the last time we actually sat down and had a conversation that didn't involve him griping about his job. Soon as he gets home from work he gets on the computer and looks at craigslist or youtube or whatever, and gets off to go to bed when ever he gets tired. Hes been leaving every Friday after work and coming home Sunday evening for the last 4-5 weekends because he goes hunting.... so that leaves us no family time. 
Ive tried telling him over and over how im feeling and what not and his first response is "is it that time of month?" seriously... its been to the point where ive told him if he wants out to let me know, not to keep me hanging around just because its convenient, at which point he said " You know i love you, ill work on things" and yes things were great.... for about a month then its back to how it was. i tell him how im feeling and it changes for a couple weeks then its back to the way it was. Were always broke...but he can still manage to go hunting for the entire weekend leaving me at home with the kids....
I love him, but every time i go through this, theres a little part of me that feels like im falling out of love with him.... Does any one have any advise for me? I could sure use some right now, as ive been doing nothing this weekend but sitting at home crying because i can see my life falling apart...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/confused.gif


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Long term husband here...

Have either of you totally spelled out to your husband what the issue is? 

Remember we are terrible mind readers. We want it ALL laid out so we can FIX it. 
Expect us to get it without you telling us is like hoping you win the lottery.
We need to be told exactly where we screwed up. 
If YOU can't define it exactly how can we possibly FIX it?
A: We don't we go fishing/hunting or post to forums or just go quiet and detach.

Also, how's the current/recent sex life? 

If it's low/boring that's why your husband is not paying attention because you seem like a roommate instead of a wife. Whens the last time you gave a full BJ/face or initiated or did it in all rooms of your house. Or morning and night or wear lingerie? Do you do it more multiple times every week? When you are on your period do you service him? Guys feed off that we dream of that from our wife. It's what makes us feel loved by YOU.

I'll bet if you explain why you aren't as interested in sex is because your feelings aren't there BECAUSE HE doesn't do x, y and z. He'll do x, y, and z AND a,b,c.d.e.f.g.h....to get better and more frequent sex from his wife. That makes his day better which makes him want to do more for you. Also he feels way more connected to you.

It's simple...guys are simple. No MC needed. 99.995% IS NOT ENOUGH GREAT SEX from their Wives who used to be their hot sexy girlfriends. We remember every sex act like you remember every slight. It saddens us when our wives no longer are our girlfriends. We die inside and no one cares. We internalize the pain, frustration, disappointment and embarrassment. Some of us cheat, some of us leave, some of us just accept our life sucks and do our best all with a big smile on our face....that last one is me.

SEX from wife = LOVE+RESPECT from wife for a husband nothing else is a substitute!

Now with my wife... MC might be called for because it's not as simple.
She describes "feelings" and the most defined they get are you didn't carry in groceries back in 1996 so I'm not feeling like sex basically or you hung with your friends too much at our wedding 18 years ago. so no sex for 4 months now in 2011. Or my/our friends think you are self-centered.
It's been this way for two years on the tails of 15 times a year max average over the past 17 years... I think we might be turning a corner. I'll know in 2012. We will have sex more if it kills me. I want to love my wife it shouldn't be that difficult. I'm not a bad guy. She's literally torturing me daily for NO GOOD REASON. I would be ECSTATIC if I got 3 times a month with some variety. I'm not asking for the sky and the moon, 36 times a year would make me VERY HAPPY.
I'm a great husband, provider and father and I had sex twice in 2011. This drove me to temporary celibacy of 6-months while I try my best to "re-connect emotionally" just to maintain my sanity. It's my way of fixing an ill-defined 2 year old problem since the ILYNILWYA speech. I fixed everything she mentioned and more. I've only had sex 7 times in TWO years. My issue is well defined. I have not had a care free day in TWO YEARS. Because MY sex life is on my mind ALWAYS, prior to this I was happy and worry free. Literally every free moment I'm thinking about how to fix my sex life... that's about 90% of the time. Imagine if I was happy and had that 90% brain power back how much more I could do. It's debilitating. Again there is no substitute for good sex with our wives.

The rest of our life is GREAT except for the SEX. It doesn't make sense at all.
I shouldn't have to get "lucky" to have sex with my wife!

Let me put this in perspective... My wife could make me completely happy by giving me her undivided sexual attention for 36 hours out of every year of 8760 hours that's 0.4% of her time. I desire sex every 10 days maximum more if I can get it every day would be great but I'm realistic. Those 36 hours would equate out into 365 days of complete devotion to her and her needs or 99.6% of my time. But women refuse to accept any logic when it comes to sex.

Give me strength... women are not simple. They use some quantum/irrational number system to determine your ability as their husband to get great sex. I now see why the divorce rate is sky high first hand. What are wives thinking? How is twice in a year anywhere near acceptable in a decent marriage?! It's abuse. It's "cheating". It's LAZY.

Yet I still Love her as much as ever. 

I will not leave her without my best effort.
I believe in the "sickness or health" promise and she's pretty great in other ways.

I explain my desires o having sex every ten days and my wife feels "lectured" to.

Women can fix any marriage... I don't know why you chose not to.

Or is complaining better than frequent great sex with your husband who loves you?


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

davidmor said:


> Hi, my name is David. I'm a doctor, I was in a relationship for 4 years and I encountered such a situation in the past when my woman decided to leave me because of some incompatibility issues, so I seek for advise from a friend who introduce me to a spell-caster that helped me get back my woman after 6 months of breakup...The spell-caster did A Lover Retrieval spell that really helped me to get back my woman, so right now we are happily married with two lovely kids..
> 
> For all those heart broken out there or those who want their ex back should in case you want the help of the spell-caster contact me on [email protected] so that I can hook you up with him or if you want to ask questions...I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news plus he can also do different type of spells that you want… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it.....Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.
> 
> Good Luck.



Look, consulting a sorceror is probably the last thing you want to do. Let's assume that the spell-caster truly does have some magical powers that can directly affect someone...Would you really want someone to be forced into being with you? 
As for me? No. if I really thought my SO wanted to be somewhere else, I would help her pack. No, black magic is not the way to go...And it is black magic if you are using it to manipulate someone.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Melissa.

I am also a husband, married for 18 years. I have no idea what the doctor is talking about in regards to spell-caster. Having a healthy marriage is non rocket science. It is about choices, respect, and finding common ground.

As far as the other post recommending you be a good wife and submit to your husband is not a good idea either. Have sex with your husband because you want to not because you have to. The key is making good choices so you want to. Pick your battles. It is ok to be broke. Millions of people all over the world are broke. Your husband may be frustrated that money is tight, normal stuff.

Marriage is all about compromise. What did you and your husband do for fun prior to marriage? In short find common ground. If you have family around, see if you can drop the kids off once a week to have alone time with your husband.

If your husband pushes back on this then you must make a stand. Tell him you love him and you are commited to the marriage and if he does not "think" the same then tell him to hit the road. Let him know you will not stand for more of the same. Life is short and you deserve a good life. Ask him if you should get a part time job to help with the financial stress.

It is very important that you have your space, your husband has his space, the two of you have your space, and the family does family stuff.

So, your husband loves to hunt. Fine, what do you you like to do? Do you have hobbies? Support your husbands hunting. It looks like you and your husband married very young. Getting married young and broke is very difficult but not impossible.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> Melissa.
> 
> I am also a husband, married for 18 years. I have no idea what the doctor is talking about in regards to spell-caster. Having a healthy marriage is non rocket science. It is about choices, respect, and finding common ground.
> 
> ...


 Ideally a wife should "want" to have sex with her husband. But being realistic most women are rarely wanting sex but rather accepting sex because it's the right thing to do to support he marriage and they know (at lest most do) that it makes their husband happy and feel loved. When they get into the act most women enjoy it but leading up to it in a long term marriage it's usually way down the list of items. Those pitter patter feelings and butterflies in most long gone because of the familiarity

Wives should accept that most husbands are HOT for them. If they really asked their husbands what they wanted in terms of sexual frequency, quality and variety. Most would be shocked they would see they are coming no where close to what most men desire. 

The difference between men and women is men will define the issue if you ask and we feel safe that their will be no repercussions and a desire to act on what he mentions. Most women choose not to satisfy their husbands because they eventually "feel" used in a long term marriage.

My whole issue with my own wife is over this. It's made the last two years less than ideal. the problems leading up the her turning off emotions two years ago were directly related to me acting out negatively because of the stress. I never communicated how our low sex life was affecting me especially in recent years where it dropped below once a month and became very vanilla.

Now when I try to explain "nicely" after listening to all her issues with me were most were insignificant. All I get is "I feel like you are lecturing me" and "I'm trying".

I feel used... I rush around the house picking it up so that when she gets home it's nice. Sometimes I have to rush to work because I took the extra time to make her world better.
I hate rushing and picking up but I do it out of love. Do I get thanks... maybe once a year on fathers day in a card... no sex.

So give me a break that women have to always want to have sex... that will never happen at a frequency to keep up with most husbands desires. have sex because it's the right thing to do, it's health, it strengthens you marriage, MAKES YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY and in turn makes you happy.

Also when you do it... yes you enjoy it. It's getting wives to see that reality.

Husbands are not off the hook either...

I was guilty of coasting in the marriage.
Not communicating.
Not being affectionate enough.
Not listening enough.
And acting out somewhat badly.

I needed the reality check! 

Your husbands probably do also.... I just don't understand when when i "fixed" all her issues at two years later I see little change.. what happened to positive reinforcement?

Anyhow its a two way street... we all reap what we sow.

The act of sex is NOT IMPORTANT... it's the feeling that we are still desired sexually that IS IMPORTANT. When our wives don't want us we feel used. It's QUALITY over QUANTITY.

I feel undesired sexually right now....that affects my life. only my wife can fix that yet as of now she chooses not to. Possibly in January after he celibacy period that will change. Foe now I'm enjoying trying to re-connect with my wife. Sex is only 10% of a marriage but it's an important 10% as there is no substitute for it.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

tryingtofigurethingsout

I hear you. However, ideally and reality very really go hand in hand.

I would love for my wife to jump me every night. I know it will not happen. I keep trying sometimes I get a yes and sometimes a no.

You are right to say sex is only 10% of the marriage but without it there is no marriage. It is powerfull stuff.

I think I have commented on one of your posts. I give you a lot of credit for trying to reconnect with your wife and waiting until January. I would never do that. You can reconnect with your wife and have a sex life. It is called multi tasking.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> tryingtofigurethingsout
> 
> I hear you. However, ideally and reality very really go hand in hand.
> 
> ...


I tried mufti-tasking for two straight years... wasn't getting anywhere fast. I didn't want it to fester.

By going temporarily celibate I sent a strong message this isn't normal or acceptable to my wife. It gives her a date to wrap her mind around.

I think it'll shorten the time leading back to a normal and better sex life come January. 

Calculated risk on my part. I think all my attempts at re-connect are just that more powerful to her right now knowing I'm shelving my desires of the past two years for for her special "healing" time. Seems like it's working. A bit of reverse psychology in effect.

I don't like losing especially when I have to play by the rules.

Two years sexless enough is enough! C'mon 2012!
I don't just want a sex life... I want a GREAT sex life.


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