# A few questions with a bit of back story.



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Haven't posted here in quite awhile but I think I need to start again.

A little bit of history. I will try to make it as concise as possible. Married four years, together for eight, one son, almost two.
In May I noticed my H pulling away. He does this from time to time and I generally don't think much of it except this time he never really came back around. In July he told me that he wanted to do everything possible to work on the marriage, didn't want a divorce, loved me, etc but needed some space. Two weeks later I find out he is having an affair. During this time, my adoptive father passed away suddenly and my mother was diagnosed with a very progressive cancer and given two months at most to live (she is still kicking  ) I had to keep traveling back to my hometown to deal with everything else that was going on with my family. He had made it clear though that he wanted me to leave and find a new apt (during our first discussion)....that was how he needed space. At this point I had the ability to move into my new place and life was hell with him. The tension was so thick it felt as if it hung in the air like heat in an attic. 

While I was in my hometown he called to talk about me finding out about his affair. He told me that he just didn't love me and that it was the hardest decision of his life. 

After I moved out, we settled on a schedule for trading off our son. I have noticed that he stays longer every time. We have being doing things as a family at least once a week. We haven't sat down and talked about everything though. A part of me is really scared. I am scared I lost my H and my family. With him being so nice lately, I haven't wanted to rock the boat.

I guess my question is this: is there a wrong time to ask about what is going on? 

I have been bouncing back and forth mentally of doing a 180 as much as possible with a child or being loving and compassionate. I try to display the loving side of myself for the sake of my son. He absolutely loves it when we are both in the same room. 

I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing. Nothing makes sense and I just don't want to mess this up.

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't get why you are the one who moved out.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

I kicked myself for that. At the time I just wanted to get away. It was his apartment when I moved in, it wasn't the best place for my son, and it never really felt like home. Those are the logical reasons but I think a huge part of it was that I felt like I didn't exist anymore to him and it was very apparent when he was home which he was rarely after our initial discussion.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

meowmers said:


> I think a huge part of it was that I felt like I didn't exist anymore to him


You place entirely too much importance on him and what he wants and needs.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't let him have his cake.
He just feels better about himself. He had no issues asking for "space", he had no issestelling you he dind't love you anymore once was busted. I can garantee you he won't have any issue speaking his mind if suits him.
I have no idea why you should be with him at the same room as your son? What is the arrangement about you kid?

Life you life, hard 180. Detach. He obvioulsy had too much power over you, you cant' be waiting for him to change. Detach. Move on.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Spending time together started as just the times he would pick him up and drop him off. Then we started having dinner and doing things solely for our son. 

I know I have been naive in the past and probably am now. 

The realization that someone you love would rather not do the same is crushing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

meowmers said:


> Haven't posted here in quite awhile but I think I need to start again.
> 
> A little bit of history. I will try to make it as concise as possible. Married four years, together for eight, one son, almost two.
> In May I noticed my H pulling away. He does this from time to time and I generally don't think much of it except this time he never really came back around. In July he told me that he wanted to do everything possible to work on the marriage, didn't want a divorce, loved me, etc but needed some space. Two weeks later I find out he is having an affair. During this time, my adoptive father passed away suddenly and my mother was diagnosed with a very progressive cancer and given two months at most to live (she is still kicking  ) I had to keep traveling back to my hometown to deal with everything else that was going on with my family. He had made it clear though that he wanted me to leave and find a new apt (during our first discussion)....that was how he needed space. At this point I had the ability to move into my new place and life was hell with him. The tension was so thick it felt as if it hung in the air like heat in an attic.
> ...


Dear meowmers,

I gather from your post that you would like to reconcile with your WH. For this to happen, certain things need to occur:

1) Your WH must end his affair and have NC with his AP.

2) Your WH must acknowledge that he is fully to blame for his cheating, demonstrate true remorse and commit to doing whatever it takes over whatever period of time it takes to win back your trust and respect.

3) Your WH has to let his life be an open book to you so that you can monitor his behavior to make sure he doesn't backslide.

4) Your WH has to agree to MC or whatever other measures you decide are important to rebuilding your marriage.

If I am correct about your wishes, then the question is how to start the reconciliation process. Note that each of the steps to reconciliation (as described above) requires something significant from your WH. Obviously, you cannot force him to do these things, he has to want to. So, the question becomes, how to get your WH to want to do these things.

It seems as if he may be moving in the right direction (spending more time with you and your son, etc.). However, it's also possible that he is settling into a comfortable space in which he gets to keep his AP and still have something of a family life. Based on the little you've said, it's difficult to say which is happening. But, clearly, you want the former, not the latter and so you must walk a fine line between encouraging good behavior on his part without rewarding him for bad behavior.

I would advise against asking him outright "what is going on." But it would be appropriate for him to tell you (and fair for you to ask) if he is still seeing the OW and if he still has no love for you. Consider carefully when and where is the right time to ask these questions and how to ask them.

If he answers "yes" to these questions, then I think you need to respond that the current arrangement (family time together) is too difficult for you and that it will have to end or at least be severely curtailed. That will send him a clear message that he can't have his cake and eat it too. The result may be that you continue to drift apart and your marriage ends. But I think it is also possible that it may be the wake-up call he needs to finally decide that he wants to return to you. If he gives you the "wrong" answers, you don't have to break of entirely with him right away. You may wish to give him a little longer to come to his senses, but not too long. In the meantime, continue with the 180. Your goal is to demonstrate to him that you are an attractive, confident woman who he will lose forever if he doesn't straighten himself out and that you are fully capable of living without him if he doesn't meet your needs.

If he tells you that he has ended (or is prepared to end) his affair and that his love for you has been rekindled, then I think you need to challenge him to commit to the steps listed above. Again, you should say that it is too difficult for you to live in a state of limbo with him and that he needs to make a decision whether he wants to come back to you or not and if he is willing to do what it takes to reconcile. And, again, you can give him a little time to think it over but only a little.

I know you feel it's good for your son for you and your WH to spend time together with him. However, in the long run, this cannot be in your best interest. If your WH is not going to come back to you, you need to start building a new life. Of course, as the father of your child, he will always be in your life, but in your new life he should not play a central role. Instead, you will want to look for another man who can give you what your WH, sadly, could not -- real and lasting love and devotion.

I hope this is of some help to you.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

meowmers said:


> Spending time together started as just the times he would pick him up and drop him off. Then we started having dinner and doing things solely for our son.
> 
> I know I have been naive in the past and probably am now.
> 
> ...


It can literally break your heart, I know the feeling. Alot of people here do, unfortunately! It makes it harder for you because he comes around and gives you hope that things might get better so you just wait it out hoping for a change. As hard as it is you need to cut him off as much as possible. He knows he has you and all he has to do is say the word. Make him think he lost you...even if you have to fake being happy, let him think you are fine. Let him wonder what you're doing. When he calls dont answer his calls everytime, or on the first ring. Dont text him back immediately. Dont let him think that you are "waiting" on him. Im only telling you this because I made some of the same mistakes you are making and 3 years later my life isnt really much better. I have my H at home but its not great and now that Ive found this forum I realize all the mistakes I made because I followed my heart every step of the way!

Good luck!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He has no intentive to change the status quo. He's in the cake eating heaven.

In order to him second guess the situation he needs pressure and the only pressure you can exert is completely cutting him from your life, no more "family things" unless OW is completely out of the picture. I believe you know he will choose OW, his freedom, that's why you don't want to "push" too much. But think about it. He must feel he's losing you forever unless he takes actions, she needs to see you moving on, he must respect you so he needs to see a woman with self respect, not one who is happy only with his presence (wich no amount to crumbs, even), it's not attractive. As long as he sees you as a possibility he won't think about the ppossibility of losing you.

ETA
This behavior (180) is at the same time what you needs to enjoy life in this circunstances. You are stuck, waiting for him to come to his senses but doing what helps mantaining the estatus quo. You addicted to hope. Detox. 180 is a win win.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Thank you guys so much. It helps to know that woth all of these crazy feelings, I am not, in fact, crazy. I do want R. I want my family back together and I miss my best friend. 

Something I forgot to mention: I started a blog. And I gave him the link. I wsd.tired.of keeping all of.everything onside. I posed questions to him such as if you don't want to work on this why don't you just divorce me...ot is the not knowing. I digress. He checks it on a daily basis but never brings it up. I feel, even if it is a one way line at least it is an open route for communication.

I don't want a divorce. I am getting to the point though that anything is better than this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Meowmers
Sorry to tell you but he checks it to make sure you're still on the hook. He evaluates your feeling to be sure they haven't changed so that he wont have to either.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I suggest asking him straight up - "What do you want out of our family time that we have been doing? While I feel it is important to remain on good terms for our child, I am not going to give him false hope that Mommy and Daddy are back together again. We either are or we aren't. Your thoughts?" 

If he says you are not, then you know he is in his fog lala land, and you need to tell him, "OK then. We need to make drop off and pickup times as quick and painless as possible. The sooner our son knows what is going on , the sooner he will adjust."

If he says that he wants to try or is undecided, you need to tell him that it won't happen without the OW out of the picture for good and you get 100% transparency and dedication. If there is any indication of the affair continuing or of him cheating again, you will file for divorce and he can explain to your son why Mommy and Daddy can't be in the same room any more.

I just think waiting around is a waste of time and why wonder when you can just ask. I think being upfront is the only way to go. I wish I had done things differently, this being one of them.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Meowmers
> Sorry to tell you but he checks it to make sure you're still on the hook. He evaluates your feeling to be sure they haven't changed so that he wont have to either.


Yes - get rid of it. You are giving him the ammo to the gun pointed at your heart.


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

What a beautifully sad line.

He is pickung up our son tomorrow. I will talk to him then. Thanks for the support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I suggest asking him straight up - "What do you want out of our family time that we have been doing? While I feel it is important to remain on good terms for our child, I am not going to give him false hope that Mommy and Daddy are back together again. We either are or we aren't. Your thoughts?"
> 
> If he says you are not, then you know he is in his fog lala land, and you need to tell him, "OK then. We need to make drop off and pickup times as quick and painless as possible. The sooner our son knows what is going on , the sooner he will adjust."


We sat down today and talked well I did most of the talking....

I asked him what we were doing. His response was that he doesn't know...he doesn't even know what he is doing with himself. I told him that I tried hating him and I just couldn't seem to do it. He said that at this point i had every right to hate him. I apologized for my own sh*t. I owned up the where I went wrong. I told him it wasn't all me or all him. We both have made mistakes. He cried the entire conversation. Before he left, I don't know why, I know it is kind of stupid, but I told him that I loved him and always will. This seemed to really hit something because he just started crying again.

I know this isn't the progress I was hoping for. But when what I saw today....he just seems so...broken.

I didn't ask about the two of them, I wanted the conversation to be about us. Maybe naive but for the first time really sitting down talking....i didn't want her to take that away from me. She has had enough from me. 

In the almost eight years we have been together, I have seen my H cry three times, today included...

Although sad, I feel more at peace with this...


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