# Giving Gifts



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Did your WS ever give or receive gifts from their AP? And is their more of a significance if the female sends the gift? I ask this because my WW sent OM a polo shirt and a rosary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Did your WS ever give or receive gifts from their AP? And is their more of a significance if the female sends the gift? I ask this because my WW sent OM a polo shirt and a rosary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Morrigan received a very expensive ring from her AP. She never gave him anything that I know of. Well, except for herself I guess.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The gifts are a normal part of the emotional or physical affair. It is essentially a dating relationship. The dynamic is of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Boys give gifts and hope to get sex. Girls give gifts to win the boys' hearts. They tend to revert back to their teenage years. The girl sees the boy, thinks, "I really like him, if only he were more religious and dressed nicer, he would be perfect. I'll send him a rosary and a nice polo shirt."

My guess is that the gifts (rosary and polo shirt, strange combo) either had some kind of inside meaning to the two of them or she was trying to mold him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My fWW has told me that all gifts were turned down b/c she has a husband at home and most OM's knew the score.



Honesty, she could have come home with a 10k diamond neckless and I wouldn't of known, after 20 years I just relized my wife has blue eyes! LOL if you know what I mean


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> It is essentially a dating relationship. The dynamic is of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Boys give gifts and hope to get sex. Girls give gifts to win the boys' hearts.


I don't give gifts to my girlfriend in the hopes of getting sex, I give gifts because I'm grateful for the sex I do get.

I believe I get gifts from my girlfriend because she cares about me and loves me and wants me to be happy.

It's not about ulterior motives.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> I don't give gifts to my girlfriend in the hopes of getting sex, I give gifts because I'm grateful for the sex I do get.


Sex is still the motivator for the gift tho, the before or after are not really that important. You like the sex, you give the gift.



sharkeey said:


> I believe I get gifts from my girlfriend because she cares about me and loves me and wants me to be happy.


If you told her you wanted to have sex with her sister because it made you happy, she would no longer give you gifts (well she might give you bigger gifts for a short while)



sharkeey said:


> It's not about ulterior motives.


No, you are correct there, but your heart, and your brain/balls, have different motives. So they may not be ulterior, but they certainly are motives.

edit: On topic: I know she bought the OM's dog some vet care, and she took him to dinner, he was too broke to give her anything as far as I'm aware. (STD tests were all negative for me and her so no "gifts" of that nature either) The trigger items can either be re-owned by the BS, or chucked. I try and expose myself to the places I know she took the OM, so they feel like _*our*_ places again, and not "theirs," I guess the same can be done with objects too


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Paladin said:


> No, you are correct there, but your heart, and your brain/balls, have different motives. So they may not be ulterior, but they certainly are motives.


That's only true if you wouldn't get the sex if you didn't give the gift.

I haven't had that particular problem. 

Gifts from me come after the sex. Usually loooonggg afterwards.

As in, "well I've been screwing you for months, look your birthday is here, have some flowers".

Truth be told.. I'm an older fellow and the women I've been meeting "post divorce" have been more into the sex than I have.. honest.

They should be buying ME gifts to keep it going for them.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> WW sent OM a polo shirt and *a rosary.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


wtf, during an affair?!?!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> My guess is that the gifts (rosary and polo shirt, strange combo) either had some kind of inside meaning to the two of them or she was trying to mold him.


Strange combo indeed. I've read their messages, they believe that God had them reconnect with each other after so many years. She was always praying for his safety (he works in a warehouse?), and was always praying that God will give them the chance to get back together. I guess she glossed over the fact that God doesn't like adultery. 

But hey, you know who cheaters can rationalize anything. Talk about affair fog.


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

I think gift-giving in an affair is the same as a new relationship. In general the party who wants the other more will give gifts. When I was in my affair I didn't go overboard with gifts but I did buy my then girlfriend some nice things. Nothing as blatantly hypocritical as a rosary but normal gifts. When I received a gift it was kind of a signal to me that she really liked me. 

Sending a gift obviously shows there is an emotional bond. If it was just sex then the gifts are unnecessary. I think in your specific instance the gifts given would suggest that your WW was in love with the OM. A rosary is not just a routine gift. There is a lot of meaning behind it.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Gift-giving is a way of deepening bonds. The item becomes a token of love, a stand-in for the person. It can be something small or something elaborate. My stbxh did exchange gifts with his APs, and even allowed this nonsense to continue despite my objections when I found out. In my opinion, gift giving and exchanging loving sentiment and promises are worse than the physical act of sex. I was bothered far less about stbxh's ONS flings than I was about his long-term affairs with emotional attachment involved. That is what gift-giving means -- emotional bonds, especially when initiated by the woman, imo.

By the way, it's kind of vile that your WW would send her AP a rosary. She's seriously lost in fog-land. I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

How many of these 'gifts' were bought with money from a joint account?
A friend of mine who has recently separated discovered that his wife was sending the OM gifts every week, ranging from £20 - £180 and she was booking hotel rooms at around £100 every couple of weeks.
She's now living by herself in a small 1 bedroom flat.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> Sending a gift obviously shows there is an emotional bond. If it was just sex then the gifts are unnecessary. I think in your specific instance the gifts given would suggest that your WW was in love with the OM. A rosary is not just a routine gift. There is a lot of meaning behind it.


I know, a lot of meaning, and it sucks.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

moxy said:


> Gift-giving is a way of deepening bonds. The item becomes a token of love, a stand-in for the person. It can be something small or something elaborate. My stbxh did exchange gifts with his APs, and even allowed this nonsense to continue despite my objections when I found out. In my opinion, gift giving and exchanging loving sentiment and promises are worse than the physical act of sex. I was bothered far less about stbxh's ONS flings than I was about his long-term affairs with emotional attachment involved. That is what gift-giving means -- emotional bonds, especially when initiated by the woman, imo.
> 
> By the way, it's kind of vile that your WW would send her AP a rosary. She's seriously lost in fog-land. I'm sorry for what you're going through, OP.


That's why the thread about people being overly melodramatic about EAs upset me. It's worse than if she had a couple of ONSs or she just had a PA with no emotional attachment. She might not have been able to give OM her body, but she gave him her heart and soul. That's whats so difficult about this.

Even though all this happened at the height of the affair and there has been NC since then, this is part of the TT I found out recently, I didn't know about the gift giving. Talk about a huge bump in the road to R. It's like DDay all over again.

If I had known this on DDay I seriously don't know if R would be on the table at all.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Im so sorry Lord. This has to suck for you. Im hoping this didnt happen and if it did, I dont want to know. Im not asking and I dont want to know. I cant change it. As long as HE has NOTHING from her I dont care if she has something. If something new or strange or something Ive never seen before shows up, then I guess I'll know. Im sorry this happened for you. Hang in there.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

beowulf said:


> morrigan received a very expensive ring from her ap. She never gave him anything that i know of. Well, except for herself i guess.


ouch!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Did your WS ever give or receive gifts from their AP? And is their more of a significance if the female sends the gift? I ask this because my WW sent OM a polo shirt and a rosary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She obviously must have been trying her level best to convert the boy over to Catholicism, perhaps to fill some inate spiritual need of her own!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> She obviously must have been trying her level best to convert the boy over to Catholicism, perhaps to fill some inate spiritual need of her own!


They're already both catholics.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> They're already both catholics.


Then that really makes it special... and mystical all at the same time! Kinda makes me wonder if either of them ever owned up to it at Church Confession?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Then that really makes it special... and mystical all at the same time! Kinda makes me wonder if either of them ever owned up to it at Church Confession?


OM is Canada, so I don't know. She never went to confession. All this is triggering me badly, so much so that I'm furious again. Even at the height of the EA, she always brought me along to shop at the mall. To think that I drover her to the mall so she could shop for him! Then she must have used a lunch break to stand in line at the post office to mail it to him. Feeling so humiliated right now. 

I have to step away from TAM for a while and take a break. OMG it hurts.


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## TexasFlyer (Apr 30, 2012)

Since my wife brought her AP into our marriage as a 'friend'.. He bought both of us gifts while they were together. He took his family down to Disney for a vacation, and brought *us *back gifts. How F_cked up is that??? 

My wife claims no gifts were given to AP by her. I dunno if I believe it, but I don't really care about it either.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> OM is Canada, so I don't know. She never went to confession. All this is triggering me badly, so much so that I'm furious again. Even at the height of the EA, she always brought me along to shop at the mall. To think that I drover her to the mall so she could shop for him! Then she must have used a lunch break to stand in line at the post office to mail it to him. Feeling so humiliated right now.
> 
> I have to step away from TAM for a while and take a break. OMG it hurts.



You just found this out? A rosary?

Oh My Gosh mayhem....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> OM is Canada, so I don't know. She never went to confession. All this is triggering me badly, so much so that I'm furious again. Even at the height of the EA, she always brought me along to shop at the mall. To think that I drover her to the mall so she could shop for him! Then she must have used a lunch break to stand in line at the post office to mail it to him. Feeling so humiliated right now.
> 
> I have to step away from TAM for a while and take a break. OMG it hurts.


Is she TT ing this to you or has she delivered it in one swift blow or is this the stuff you told me you read? How is dealing with your triggering?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I have to step away from TAM for a while and take a break. OMG it hurts.


Just how low can she go? I'm greatly feeling your pain, lord! Can't say that I blame you for taking a brief respite from TAM posting. Take care of yourself, my friend. Will pick back up with you soon!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Take care LM, you've been a good rock for my pains and for many others. Thinking about you mate.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Is she TT ing this to you or has she delivered it in one swift blow or is this the stuff you told me you read? How is dealing with your triggering?


Unfortunately, I found this out on my own. "I came into the information" - I won't say how I got it, not on an open forum. 

The only silver lining in the whole thing is that it confirmed it didn't go PA yet because she was lamenting about how it looks like they aren't going to be able to meet up in person but to keep praying that God will give them their chance someday. :scratchhead:

Yes, a huge setback in R, and this coming June is supposed to be the 2 yr mark.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thank you all for the support. It's much, much appreciated.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

My Ex sent the OM her 'Eau de Twat' panties.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Unfortunately, I found this out on my own. "I came into the information" - I won't say how I got it, not on an open forum.
> 
> The only silver lining in the whole thing is that it confirmed it didn't go PA yet because she was lamenting about how it looks like they aren't going to be able to meet up in person but to keep praying that God will give them their chance someday. :scratchhead:
> 
> Yes, a huge setback in R, and this coming June is supposed to be the 2 yr mark.


The rollercoaster. Have you done yourself the 'favor' of stopping the looking for info?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Thank you all for the support. It's much, much appreciated.


Lord: The way I look at it is that we are all in this together despite the fact that our situations seem to vary from one degree to another. Given that, we'll be here to help you when you're "in the valley," just as you've so aptly lent a shoulder to the rest of us whenever we're finding ourselves in a similar situation.

After all, that's what life is all about, or at least should be: Empathy and Love!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Thank you all for the support. It's much, much appreciated.


I'm so sorry you're going through this LM. This is indeed a terrible case of TT. Why she didn't disclose this to you earlier I can't understand.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem like a good guy and she seems like she has some serious issues. It's good that you're getting the truth, even if it isn't directly from her, because info is a helpful thing.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Did your WS ever give or receive gifts from their AP? And is their more of a significance if the female sends the gift? I ask this because my WW sent OM a polo shirt and a rosary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He came by a bunch of really spiffy athletic clothing and shoes, which he told me he got at a cloths give-a -way thing associated with work( yes I know I was gullible). It turns out the AP bought them for him along with a membership for them at a gym( a couples membership in which she listed them as living together). I later found out that the watch that he got for his bday at work was from her. I looked it up on the net and she spent at least $350 for it. The whole kit and caboodle went into the trash. I still find cases where he has TTed or lied about something. Honestly there are times when I wonder why I'm still here. I think that she was in love, and wanted a feeling of ownership.Who would have thought? she is over 2 decades younger than him and a fox.


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