# WW struggling with my own trust issues...



## ButterflyFree (Sep 28, 2011)

I've always known myself as a "white liar". I lied about anything and everything to keep others happy and not upset with me, to protect myself (kept others happy but made myslef miserable). I started lying when I was just a kid and got in touble here and there for it but continued as I so called grew up. (Now I know I never grew up emotionally). Anyways, I've been open and honest with my feelings, being transparent, etc. It has freed me but I also am struggling with trusting others. I've realized that because I lied so much that I failed to trust anyone and don't know how to trust. I would snoop around trying to find evidence of something so I didn't have to trust, and of course I would find things, so never had to trust. I also didn't trust myself so why trust anyone else. So I never really learned to trust my H. We have our share of issues, loss of respect for each other(from the beginning, 14yrs ago), resentments so I never fully trusted him. I fear trust, because it will get me hurt. My fear is so great that I read my husbands journal that he has asked me not to read. But I don't truely trust what he is telling me or feeling as we try and reconcil. I feel that he'll tell the journal more truth than me, let his feelings out on paper and not talk to me about them. Believe this is residual issue of never trusting myself therefore I can't completely trust someone else. Yet my H trusted me and I caused the worst pain & hurt. I was the one who caused so much pain and hurt when he trusted me so who's to say that when I trust that same pain and hurt aren't going to come my way. I'm scared!! 

I broke trust issues by reading his journal. It's f*cked up that I fear learning to trust him, yet I want him to try and start trusting me? How dumb and stupid is that way of thinking, very childish!! But I guess I never really looked at my issues and have to see it before moving forward. If you don't see the why and how you can't learn and grow up.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Parts of that sound like myself. I'm not a white liar but I check on my wife and I'm the one who had an EA. Ironically my wife still never checks on me, she just isn't wired that way. Me - I'm always looking. I never thought of it as an inability to trust but it makes sense - I guess there isn't really anyone I would take solely at their word. I always "inspect what I expect." I trust my wife - completely - but I still check, to me it's just good business. Reading a journal that he specifically asked you not to read without his consent is a little different though; but I would have to ask him why? Secrets are a bad thing in a marriage. 

I have always thought of lying like drugs. It starts out with "just a little" "no harm in it" and as you get more and more comfortable with it the lies grow and grow. Stopping lying is as simple as just refusing to do it any longer. If you slip and do, as soon as you realize what you just did go confess. Eventually you'll break the habit. If it bothers you go see a counselor to help you work through it. 

Kind of a weird spot to be the one who is always checking and you wind up being the one who should have been checked on isn't it? Like you said, guess I can't trust myself either.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

People project their feelings to others. Sometimes good Christians tend to see the world in a naive, trusting way, thus making themselves vulnerable. Of course this is not good. In your case, your habitual lying and deceitfulness led you to feel others would be that way as well. 

The first step is to fix yourself first. Stop lying, even white lies. It takes practice and time to get used to this new way of life. Tell the truth only as if it is your mission in life. Facts, feelings, or anything...

Stop this cycle by changing yourself first.


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