# % of times Exposure works to bust affair



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I've been on TAM for about 6 months. People say that exposure is the right way to go about busting an affair, and I agree.

Just wondering how often do you think it works? Simply by the numbers, across all types of cheating. 

And what about in combined type EA/PA deep fog affairs?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hard to say. I think it usually depends on the man in the affair. Is he just getting laid or does he want a permanent relationship. Exposure breaks up a lot of affairs, not sure of odds though.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hard to say, but there have been many many BS that come back here and either report that it did help or that they now see that they made a big mistake not exposing.

I will observe, that the BS that suffer the most here and just drag on and on, sometimes for years are fold that refuse to expose. They suffer pain, humiliation, anger and just keep on suffering. I've begun to wonder if this refusal to act, to take a risk, to stand up, is part of the dynamic that first started their marriage and later enabled the cheating. My thinking is that the WS originally liked that they could be in charge in the relationship. So the relationship worked and they were faithful. Over time the WS looses respect and passion for the passive stay in comfort zone spouse. They grow tired of always getting their way and always bring responsible for making the decisions and leading the marriage. They then seek out a more equal relationship. They cheat.

Then when the BS responds to the cheating by being even nicer and more accommodating, well it literally seals the deal with the cheating.

That's why I so often encourage the BS to standup and act. Things like exposure, but also stepping out of the old safe zone and change the dynamic immediately.

It's like at work when you slack off. If the boss catches it immediately and calls you on it, your likely to cut it out permanently, but if the boss cuts you slack and let's its go, you are more likely to keep doing and and do more of it , to see how far you can go. Eventually it becomes a habit and part of the culture.

Some , guys especially, are so locked into bring nice, non threatening, passive, rule players, that the WS has lost all respect and passion for them as a partner. And when the WS cheats, they feel safe because they know their BS will just take it and take it.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

On my end, the exposure didn't work. My stbxh wanted to stay with the MOW. On the MOW husband end, he chose not to expose immediately (other than talking to me). By the time he decided to expose, her family and friends already know and was supporting her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

technically speaking when exposed it isnt an affair anymore as by definition affairs are secret


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

The question should be how many work out if you do not expose.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have found that not enough folks expose the affair, but the ones that did had descent success rate.

The goal is to make the affair inconvenient and uncomfortable.

It sounds like MOW got a jump on the damage control. Once that happened one loses that edge in making the affair uncomfortable to continue in front of others.

So now that MOW has done the damage control your STBXH is more welcome in MOW family, she basically rewrote the history of the marriage making MOW husband the bad guy and your STBXH her savior.

Were as if the MOW husband got to her family first and asked for there support for a fragile marriage that he so much wants to repair, then he comes off like the betrayed SIL, and the MOW AP (your STBXH) will be viewed as a home wrecker rather then a savior.

Anyway that the indent, thats why exposure is to family and friend is often more about damage control then being vindictive.

So since so many don't expose or wait to long its hard to say how well it really works. I believe if exposure is done correctly, with out the wayward knowing and the betrayed asking for others support for the marriage then the chance are good....well better then waiting and letting the waywrd rewrite the history of the marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Exposure is an all or nothing deal.

Most times when the wayward isn't too serious about their AP it'll help wake them up and end the affair.
If the affair partners are invested in each other above and beyond their investment in their marriages exposure is often the push that ends their marriages so they can be together.

Either way I see it as just speeding up the inevitable
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Exposure is an all or nothing deal.
> 
> Most times when the wayward isn't too serious about their AP it'll help wake them up and end the affair.
> If the affair partners are invested in each other above and beyond their investment in their marriages exposure is often the push that ends their marriages so they can be together.
> ...


Agree 100% with this post.
Worked for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

I used exposure to inoculate myself against what I anticipated and now know as the BS fog. If everyone knew what she did then everyone knew and hold me accountable for what I was going to accept in my life. Blind with rage as I was in that moment, I knew I would have moments of weakness and consider reconciling with this woman. And I did. But in those moments of weakness I realized that I might risk losing the respect of everyone else in my life, not just my own self-respect.

Point being... even if it only ends 1% of affairs, do it anyway for your own piece of mind.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Exposure is an all or nothing deal.
> 
> Most times when the wayward isn't too serious about their AP it'll help wake them up and end the affair.
> If the affair partners are invested in each other above and beyond their investment in their marriages exposure is often the push that ends their marriages so they can be together.
> ...


Very good distinction.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

jim123 said:


> The question should be how many work out if you do not expose.


Good point.

And what non-exposure non-confrontational strategies are out there that work?

People say you can't nice the partner out of the affair, but aren't there techniques out there that essentially ask you to demonstrate that you are better than the AP? 

Maybe those people working that angle are on other forums, not here.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My exposure worked well.

I exposed my wife at the time and she is now my EX-Wife... The exposure ended the affair. My EX hates me for it, but she would find other reasons to hate me. She did not want to reconcile. She just wanted to blame someone for her unhappiness.

When you find that your spouse is cheating, it is extremely painful. I wanted to do anything I could to get my life back, but I found a bit of my life was a lie. The bit tied to her. I found myself, got better and stronger and I moved ahead with my life and am becoming who I wanted to be.

You cannot let other people dictate your happiness. If they are willing to cheat on you and don't care if they ruin your life or severely hurt your kids, exposing them for their selfishness is a no brainer.

People can chose divorce... Choosing to cheat... That is devastating and selfish. It leads a wide swath of destruction behind!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Exposure is an all or nothing deal.
> 
> Most times when the wayward isn't too serious about their AP it'll help wake them up and end the affair.
> If the affair partners are invested in each other above and beyond their investment in their marriages exposure is often the push that ends their marriages so they can be together.
> ...


Remember... when Charlie Brown is in counsel with Lucy?

"THAT'S IT."

"The Inevitable" is exactly why all the details, the truth, exposure without concern of loss, gain, whatever... it needed. Why sit for months, if not years wondering what going to happen.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

In my case the exposure only served to make my soon to be ex wife angry.
How dare I tell her friends, her family and her co-workers something private like that!?!

She later stated it's OK because her "true" friends that really know her, would never believe it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FeelingLost84 said:


> In my case the exposure only served to make my soon to be ex wife angry.
> How dare I tell her friends, her family and her co-workers something private like that!?!
> 
> She later stated it's OK because her "true" friends that really know her, would never believe it.


I'm still in the midst of a nearly two-year-old separation and subsequent impending divorce. Some six months after I been "ordered out" of our home, greatly under the guise of a "temporary separation" with probable reconciliatory overtures, did I come to find out about my wealthy STBXW's waywardness with two other out-of-town men from her past that she had reconnected with on FB, and was emotionally and sexually intimate with well before I had ever left home. The bulk of this info came through an extensive examination of her cell phone and texting records to/from these men.

Because we are still legally in the midst of negotiating her prenup, my attorney strongly advises that I not contact her or any of her family members until such time that the final decree is issued.

Once that happens, I will immediately release copies of those records to certain of her family members and mutual friends, largely to let them know that the breakup of our marriage did not originate due to any infidelity on my part, but much rather hers.

STBXW will probably have an absolute cow when this occurs, but her refutation of these independent records will be next to impossible for her.

I do this, not to intentionally embarrass her, but to let the rays of truth regarding her actions come shining through; and to just let all involved try to make up their own minds and reach their own personal conclusions regarding this tangled web of deception that she has so calculatingly and covertly elected to weave!


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

It worked for me and I don't regret it. WS's affair had been an EA and it was soon to teeter over into a PA, if not for a thwarted attempt (OW's BS unwittingly interfered, dDay happened in the next day or so). I exposed to BS first then their boss, then family and friends. I had/have proof on a VAR, of which I provided a copy of to the BS and their boss heard enough to know I was telling the truth.

I also exposed on a cheaters site and the profile has taken off, so to speak. OW's xBS has come to find out much more about OW than she ever would have copped to on her own. I have since found out another BW found her on the cheaters site - this BW's 17 year marriage ended after her xWS had an affair with the same OW as my WS did. At any rate, she knew a lot more people who knew OW personally and emailed them the link and also sent it to some relatives of the guy the OW is currently living with, to let them know who their son is involved with. Their son was also a OM at the same time my WS was.

Needless to say, OW gets around.

Exposure worked well in my situation but I've read other posts where people say exposure didn't work out so well. It would be hard to know statistics on when it works, doesn't work, etc but would be interesting to know. In my experience a key factor was playing somewhat dumb and not tipping my hand to my WS prior to exposure. I am much better at a poker face now than I've ever been 
in my life....although I detest the circumstances that got me there.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

It worked well for me,I thought keeping it quiet at first was the right thing to do,I didn't want our "dirty laundry" out there for all to see.
The good people on Tams changed my mind.I Face booked it and told my family,exposed the POSOM and exposed to part of her family.
A lot of her family doesn't know,she was abused as a child,bad. If I would have gone all the way her Mom would beat her ass and her father would have died from heartbreak.
It was like dragging a vampire out into the daylight,it killed it instantly and brought her back to real world.
It was hard but worth it,I tried everything,flowers,gifts,letting her walk all over me.
Women don't respect a man who does whatever they want,they respect a man who will take action.
Without exposure there is no chance at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Exposure is an all or nothing deal.
> 
> Most times when the wayward isn't too serious about their AP it'll help wake them up and end the affair.
> If the affair partners are invested in each other above and beyond their investment in their marriages exposure is often the push that ends their marriages so they can be together.
> ...


By exposing the affair, you can also work more closely to your own schedule and not to your WS's schedule. my sister's exH had a 6 year affair before he asked my sister for a divorce. during that time, he paid for the future wife's nursing training out of the household budget (both my sister and her husband are medical doctors), he bought her a house and he also set her up as his assistant.

My sister is ambivalent about exposure. One minute she says, what I don't know won't hurt me. and then in another conversation, she will lament at how people told her they knew about her exH's activities but only after she had announced her intentions to get a divorce.

I should also point out that they live in a metropolitan area that straddled two states. One state was less generous to the custodial parent. about 5 years before the divorce, her (ex)H in a surprise move insisted on moving to a new neighborhood a mile away in the other (less generous) state. It's like the movie (with Kathleen Turner) _Body Heat all over again._


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Exposure is an all or nothing deal.
> 
> Most times when the wayward isn't too serious about their AP it'll help wake them up and end the affair.
> If the affair partners are invested in each other above and beyond their investment in their marriages exposure is often the push that ends their marriages so they can be together.
> ...


Just another person quoting this. 

These are things that need to be sticky regarding exposure.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

FeelingLost84 said:


> In my case the exposure only served to make my soon to be ex wife angry.
> How dare I tell her friends, her family and her co-workers something private like that!?!
> 
> She later stated it's OK because her "true" friends that really know her, would never believe it.


My ex was and still is angry with me. In fact, he HATES me. Says it's none of my business to tell the world 'our' dirty laundry. Hello! It's not 'our' dirty laundry...it's yours.

As for his true friends who would never believe it...it's their own choice to put blinders on.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> By exposing the affair, you can also work more closely to your own schedule and not to your WS's schedule.


This is a very important point I think.

Exposure puts the power back into the hands of the BS.

It gives them tools and a plan of action to follow while pushing both the WS and AP back on their heels trying to cover their asses.

I'd expose no matter what, circumstances should determine the timing however.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

The very last thing (outside getting caught) any cheater wants is their fantasy world be interrupted and put out there for the REAL world to see.... That is why it should be done


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

The bishop said:


> The very last thing (outside getting caught) any cheater wants is their fantasy world be interrupted and put out there for the REAL world to see.... That is why it should be done


But their fantasy world IS their real world. hahahaha


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> But their fantasy world IS their real world. hahahaha


It sure is... Until both collide. Big reason why a cheater strings their BS along.... To keep both worlds separate.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The bishop said:


> It sure is... Until both collide. Big reason why a cheater strings their BS along.... To keep both worlds separate.


Bishop,were you not a player? Did you ever get exposed?
I apologize if I'm wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> This is a very important point I think.
> 
> Exposure puts the power back into the hands of the BS.
> 
> ...


Very true,it does put the power back into the BS's hands and then some.How they use that power can mean success or failure though.
Some are so hurt that they just look for payback instead of using exposure as a tool that will help them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> Bishop,were you not a player? Did you ever get exposed?
> I apologize if I'm wrong
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes and I will just say I am now separated and deservingly so. My fault for everything. 

As a cheater I am just expressing what HAS to happen when dealing with a WS. Take control and do not allow them to control you any longer.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

The bishop said:


> Yes and I will just say I am now separated and deservingly so. My fault for everything.
> 
> As a cheater I am just expressing what HAS to happen when dealing with a WS. Take control and do not allow them to control you any longer.


I understand,not my place to judge,I feel you are in a place to help a lot of people here.
Takes balls for you to come on here.
I respect that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

The bishop said:


> Yes and I will just say I am now separated and deserving so. *My fault for everything.*
> 
> As a cheater I am just expressing *what HAS to happen when dealing with a WS.* Take control and do not allow them to control you any longer.


I'm a BS. Tough place sometimes this TAM. Your view is rarely seen, almost never appreciated. Did you prepare or think that the Truth would someday come out?

My wife cheated serially for years before I had solid proof of her infidelity? In the end, while she lied and trickle truth me for days, it was clear she was tired, ashamed, and broken by her years of cheating. While she hid her secrets, she was almost asking to be caught. My grown daughter called it, just looking at her FB, phoned me with the truth. It all unraveled in a few days. 

Did you ever plan for the eventual exposure?


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

tacoma said:


> This is a very important point I think.
> 
> Exposure puts the power back into the hands of the BS.
> 
> ...


For me this was the reason I did it. I had spent months trying to prove it, then doubting myself, and being gaslighted. Now I was in control. My timetable, my rules. 

My fWW was upset obviously but not crazy upset. Looking back I think she was in shock of getting caught at all and I exposed the same day. I exposed to her family, actually sat with her and made her call her mom and dad, my family and a few friends. I did not expose her to the neighborood as I felt that would have hurt my kids. 

I called the OMW, and she was glad I called. She had been suspicious for awhile too and they had started divorce. I called his employer as well.

Interesting thing for me was her father, he was pissed I exposed. In fact we have not spoken since. He can GF himself.

My fWW and I are still trying to R 13 months later. We are listed as day to day.


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## OzyMan (Jan 15, 2013)

Exposure in my case really didn't do much but exposed to all my STBXW family and friends how much of a liar she really is. So she just detached from everyone to keep her ex con POSOM. Some of her closer family member are trying to remain neutral with her (her mom, sister, brother) even though they don't support what she did... and of course her 1 close GF was her toxic friend who supported her in all she did, so she is on her side still. 

But all in all, most people that knew her are disgusted by what she did and don't talk to her anymore. She chose POSOM over her family and children. In the process burned many bridges. Yet the affair still going strong 2 months later.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Would you expose if the affair was truly over? Or is it just a tool used to end the affair?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I called OM's wife hours later after I confronted my wife.
OM just vanished to my wife's dismay.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

According to Dr Hartley in his own words " Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> technically speaking when exposed it isnt an affair anymore as by definition affairs are secret


Your point?

It's like saying you can't wash a dirty car because once you do it's clean.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

the point is that once all parties are aware of the affair it tends to take the fun out of it or the thrill like they were getting away with something


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I exposed. It wasn’t so much for me beyond shattering some of the outright lies and perceptions others had of me, but was for her fog. My wife is a spin doctor of information to look for support. So, shortly after I exposed, she was trying the same tactics... 

Basically, exposure puts a huge dent in their support network assuming most have no idea. Add in that information that she’s been screwing around........ and stalking, controlling, snooping, constant needy contact, and whatnot is seen in a whole new perspective. People, love to judge others about right and wrong. Infidelity is seldom seen as ‘right’. My wife could feel the immediate change in the atmosphere..... who you become to others is a whole new image. A “loose woman”... no longer a pious loyal wife struggling in a marriage; Instead, a reason the marriage is failing. 

Just look on these forums.... It is hard to find someone who will bash a betrayed regardless of what they say about their wayward. And look at the wayward post who try to bash their BS or make excuses... not much sympathy there. Real life is like that too with friends and family. Most will not tolerate much bashing of a BS by a WS and it is harder for a WS to find any sort of support. Judged for the action of adultery; It is a powerful tool.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

From what I have read exposure doesn't bust up the affair. It is the fact that the affair was a fantasy. the fantasy had no consequences it was fulfilling and created a fog. When you expose the affair may not be over but the fantasy sure is. Try maintaining a fantasy affair while you wife is leaving you and you have to face the guilt you suppressed or rationalized. You have to look your kids in the face and try to explain yourself. Then to your friend, family, and in laws. 

ONce the fantasy is over and, the fog lifts, one of the AP's will eventually see the true nature of the AP or of the relationship. The affair fog and fantasy fade. Some recover and realize and face their flaws and their issues and become better for it. Sadly some people become addicted to the chase and find other people to involve chasing the fantasy. It is a sad existence and one I am glad. I didn't expose the parties involved in my wife's EA solely because I caught the EA in its infancy. I am just glad I am a computer tech and had TAM. Because I was probably just a few months out from a bad situation. I dodged a bullet thanks to God, TAM's advice, being as good a husband as I can be, and loving my family enough to be willing to go to any length to protect my marriage. That's why I am still here posting, looking out for other people on here, because I know that this site is important.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I think it has the best chance of ending a affair and also one of the best chances of ruining the marriage permanently.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

badbane said:


> *From what I have read exposure doesn't bust up the affair. It is the fact that the affair was a fantasy. the fantasy had no consequences it was fulfilling and created a fog. When you expose the affair may not be over but **the fantasy sure is.* Try maintaining a fantasy affair while you wife is leaving you and you have to face the guilt you suppressed or rationalized. You have to look your kids in the face and try to explain yourself. Then to your friend, family, and in laws.
> 
> ONce the fantasy is over and, the fog lifts, one of the AP's will eventually see the true nature of the AP or of the relationship. The affair fog and fantasy fade. Some recover and realize and face their flaws and their issues and become better for it. Sadly some people become addicted to the chase and find other people to involve chasing the fantasy. It is a sad existence and one I am glad. I didn't expose the parties involved in my wife's EA solely because I caught the EA in its infancy. I am just glad I am a computer tech and had TAM. Because I was probably just a few months out from a bad situation. I dodged a bullet thanks to God, TAM's advice, being as good a husband as I can be, and loving my family enough to be willing to go to any length to protect my marriage. That's why I am still here posting, looking out for other people on here, because I know that this site is important.


If this is truly the case, the my STBXW's tryst has nearly exceeded 2-1/2 years now, and according to FB posts, is still going strong. And she still has no clue that I'm acutely aware of it~ *Now if there's a prevalent "fog" here for her, then that would be it!*

And given the expansive length of time that she has been allowing this little soiree of hers to be going on, my forthcoming exposure of her past covert dirty deeds may well come to create a rift within parts of her family, but I honestly think that after such a span of time and not too awfully long after the forthcoming divorce, that she and her lardass boyfriend will be nuptual bound, no matter what anybody thinks!

But that really shouldn't bother her all that much~ just so long as her investment portfolio and her bank account is still in high gear!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Robsia said:


> Would you expose if the affair was truly over? Or is it just a tool used to end the affair?


I would expose for pure vengeance whether the affair was over or not.
I need no other reason.

There are other reasons...

If the AP was married their spouse ethically has a right to know.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Acabado said:


> I called OM's wife hours later after I confronted my wife.
> OM just vanished to my wife's dismay.


That's pretty standard if what I read around here is the norm.

It's really the best way to stop an affair and goes a long way towards ending the fog in the WS.

When your "loving soulmate" tosses you under the bus like so much trash because he's terrified of what his wife's going to do now that she knows it kinda clears up most delusions real quick.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I want to add that I'm not on board with the overall attitude of this board that total exposure is best or even necessary.

Exposure that is a direct blow to the actual affair or AP as in exposing to an unwitting BS is always right.

Exposing to friends/family/employers is something I think goes by a case to case basis and is rarely necessary.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Robsia said:


> Would you expose if the affair was truly over? Or is it just a tool used to end the affair?


Robsia~

Exposure is primarily (with a capital P) a tool that you use for an ongoing affair where you have spoken to the disloyal spouse, told them you know, and asked them to quit and they refuse. The idea is to do the decent thing and give them a chance to do the right thing, and if they refuse to do the right thing, then come out guns blazing to end the affair. 

See...while the affair is ongoing, the most typical tool that disloyal spouses use is "re-writing marital history" to make the loyal spouse into the Bad Guy. Thus, to keep the affair secret but also justify how different they're acting, a disloyal starts blaming the loyal to anyone who will listen, and about 90 times out of 100 they'll use the dreaded "A" word: abuse. 

If a loyal does not expose the truth of what's going on, chances are good that the disloyal is painting an abusive picture of them to friends and family. Once a loyal DOES expose, the disloyal is usually furious and says something like "How DARE you invade my privacy and drag my name through the mud in public!" However, the loyal spouse did no such thing; all they did was tell the truth. If the disloyal had been faithful and loving, their reputation would have improved by telling the truth, but since their own actions and their own choices were immoral, it was what THEY CHOSE TO DO that harmed their reputation... not "telling the truth"

So exposure is primarily a big gun ending an affair that is still going on and they refuse to stop. 

Secondarily it may be used for legal reasons or to give facts to family when the affair is over but the disloyal wants to rugsweep or refuses to stop flirting around, etc. The idea there is the same: to bring the truth to the light of day. No more secrets, no more covering for them.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Robsia~
> 
> Exposure is primarily (with a capital P) a tool that you use for an ongoing affair where you have spoken to the disloyal spouse, told them you know, and asked them to quit and they refuse. The idea is to do the decent thing and give them a chance to do the right thing, and if they refuse to do the right thing, then come out guns blazing to end the affair.
> 
> ...


bingo! for example my WH was still working with OW so he outted himself(with encouragement) to his mom and his sister. My brother knows, our eldest children(now 20 and 24) know, and some of our friends. I pushed him to STOP living the fantasy of Mr. and Mrs. Perfect at work. vomit. It took some wind out of his sail knowing that everyone was seeing him differently AND that OW and I had had a conversation. It certainly didnt cure him overnight but it was the catalyst to get him moving when NOTHING else did.

SO my advice- EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE!


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I would expose for pure vengeance whether the affair was over or not.
> I need no other reason.


Pure vengeance?

It might feel good at the time but in the long run and for your own healing, self improvement, etc.. better off to just let it go and realize they're just not worth all the time, effort, emotional energy and hatred that you're expending on them.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

totamm said:


> Pure vengeance?


100% Virgin



> It might feel good at the time but in the long run and for your own healing, self improvement, etc.. better off to just let it go and realize they're just not worth all the time, effort, emotional energy and hatred that you're expending on them.


I've been healing myself for 4 decades now.
I'll go with what's been working for me.



Edit:

Why is it assumed anger and hatred are part and parcel of vengeance?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> 100% Virgin
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're still holding a lot of anger.

It's not doing you any good.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Nope,I'd do it for vengeance and to stop the affair also.
You hurt me like I never have been hurt before,I'm gonna le people know what you did.
If someone lifted your wallet I bet you would,you'd make sure no one else got robbed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

totamm said:


> You're still holding a lot of anger.
> 
> It's not doing you any good.


What am I angry about?

Why would you say that?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

calvin said:


> If someone lifted your wallet I bet you would,you'd make sure no one else got robbed.


If someone stole my wallet you'd bet I'd do what?

Have vengeance on the robber to save others from being robbed?

No, I'd call the cops and let them deal with it and file an insurance claim and move on with my life.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> What am I angry about?
> 
> Why would you say that?


Because you're talking about vengeance.

Defined as:
_
"Vengeance (concept) or revenge, a harmful action against a person or group in response to a grievance"_

When someone has a grievance it means they are mad about something that happened in the past.

When they are so mad that they want to do something harmful, that means they are REALLY mad about something that happened in the past.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

totamm said:


> Because you're talking about vengeance.
> 
> Defined as:
> _
> ...


Sometimes yes.
Sometimes vengeance is the equivalent of nothing more than self imposed justice.

You also seem to assume anger is a permanent condition.
You assume I hold anger now because I have indulged in vengeance or because I believe vengeance is "ok".
This couldn't be further from the truth.

Often, in fact almost always, vengeance was the thing that purged my anger from me.

It's been pretty good for my emotional health actually.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Often, in fact almost always, vengeance was the thing that purged my anger from me.
> 
> It's been pretty good for my emotional health actually.


Ok good.

As long as you aren't still renting free space in your head to your ex and you haven't accumulated a criminal record or lost a job as a result of your vengeance then I'm ok with it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

totamm said:


> Ok good.
> 
> As long as you aren't still renting free space in your head to your ex and you haven't accumulated a criminal record or lost a job as a result of your vengeance then I'm ok with it.


Oh I'm sorry, I forgot where I was for a minute.

I'm here for other reasons but yeah in that context I see your point.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

totamm said:


> Because you're talking about vengeance.
> 
> Defined as:
> _
> ...


You seem to have a lot of it pent up,especially judging by you response to some WS's.
Cops can't get your heart back,insurance companies don't cover hearts or feelings.
I cover those,you stab my heart,then I tell the truth that's all.
The WS in a lot of cases has already spun a lot of lies.
Like Mark Twain said "a lie is halfway across the world before the truth can get its pants on"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

calvin said:


> You seem to have a lot of it pent up,especially judging by you response to some WS's.


Well played sir.

6 years out and I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not mad at her for the ugly expensive divorce, alienation of my children and a whole bunch of nonsense litigation, that it's not her fault she's got mental issues bordering on insane.

I'm still losing.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

totamm said:


> Well played sir.
> 
> 6 years out and I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not mad at her for the ugly expensive divorce, alienation of my children and a whole bunch of nonsense litigation, that it's not her fault she's got mental issues bordering on insane.
> 
> I'm still losing.


Well I hope you get to a place where your good man.Little over a year out and I am getting there.
Everyones situation is different thought.
Good luck man.
Payback is a by product of this crap,depends on how long you hold a grudge.
I believe in accountability and grudges to a point,but you can't keep carying a grudge.
It will kill you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Good luck tot.hope you get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I would expose for pure vengeance whether the affair was over or not.
> I need no other reason.
> 
> There are other reasons...
> ...


In my case the AP was not married. She was dating, met my WH on a dating site, and did not know he was married. She ended it for other reasons (her gut told her something was wrong, i.e. she subliminally picked up that he was lying to her, even if she didn't realise it) long before I found out.

I'm not a revenge kinda girl, never have been. I've thought about it, hell yeah, but that's as far as I'd ever go.

My WH has already told some people in his family. I think because he needs someone to talk to too. Although this screw-up was of his own making, he still feels awful about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

totamm said:


> Your point?
> 
> It's like saying you can't wash a dirty car because once you do it's clean.



not at all

I'm saying once exposed the affair is over and it either becomes a known "relationship" or it ends it. As tacoma, stated exposure speeds up the inevitable.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I think this exposure thing is orverated because the people you are telling have their own lives and issues and if you are telling their work why should they care,they have work to get done.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dubbizle said:


> I think this exposure thing is orverated because the people you are telling have their own lives and issues and if you are telling their work why should they care,they have work to get done.



as far as friend and family-you're telling people who are important to you, essentially, you are asking for their help

for OWH or OMW, they deserve to know plain and simple

for cases where you expose to work, it is information that is important to the company if they see fit to take action on it. In many cases it helps them avoid legal issues for sexual harassment suits


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> as far as friend and family-you're telling people who are important to you, essentially, you are asking for their help
> 
> for OWH or OMW, they deserve to know plain and simple
> 
> for cases where you expose to work, it is information that is important to the company if they see fit to take action on it. In many cases it helps them avoid legal issues for sexual harassment suits


Not to mention the BLANTANT abuse of company time while the two of them frolic away while neglecting their work. Happens ALOT. Plus they use company cell phones, texting, and email to carry out the affair-THATS why the company should know.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Regarding sexual harassment in the workplace, third parties can make a claim that the boss is not making decisions based on good business practices but instead with his d!ck or her c)nt. 

At least in the US, the unfair advantage that can come with sleeping with the boss can create liability as well, no matter how willing both sex partners are.

So even if you are certain that your spouse is willingly having sex with the boss, it can still create a problem for him/ her that you might to help them avoid.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, and don't forget the military. From what I've heard, they take adultery very seriously like it is a criminal offense.


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