# I need help



## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

Hello, this is my first post and just looking for some advice and support. To set it up we have been married for 8 years, together 12, and have 2 boys together 6 and 18mos. About 3 and 1/2 years ago my wife reconnected with an old flame through facebook (i'm hating facebook). She said things were rough between us, which i didn't really see, and she started talking to this guy. Not too much happened there because after a few weeks, she found his picture on the megan's law website and that ended that very quickly. Even though this happened i feel the damage was already done.

After that i asked her about MC, and she said she wanted to go by herself first so she could start getting happy. Her doing that actually helped for a long time, as she did feel better and we started communicating better. Fast forward to a few days ago. Now i know that things haven't been great for some time, but she hits me with "this just isn't working anymore". She said she feels like we're roommates living in the house taking care of the kids. Now i know in the recent months she has been talking to her male best friend alot more (again, damn facebook). I know they have been friends a very long time and nothing has happened in the past, but recently i'm not so sure.

So we have been talking the past couple days and she's not sure what she wants to do. She said she just needs time apart for awhile to think about things. We discussed some options (tougher with the kids). I have asked her about going to MC now and she is hesitant because she's not sure the love is still there. I asked her to try and see what happens, because i would rather try and i didn't work than never try at all and regret it. Here's where its tricky, i wish we had enough money to have 2 places but we don't. We have a bi-level house so i told her that i would move downstairs for awhile while we work on things. The other option is that her male friend offered his house for her and the kids to stay to get away. I feel like i'm in a no win situation here because if i let her go up there (1 and 1/2 away) that i'm just driving her into another mans arms, and if i ask her to stay here she'll just resent me for being trapped here? Do i ask her to stay and work on things, or do i let her go without even trying?


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sounds like you are her official back up plan. Do you see that? Her option is to go live with the OM? Are you kidding? This is not "getting away to think about things", this is "moving in with the OM and if things don't work, she still has you, waiting with open arms".

Don't do this. Either she goes to MC to work things out while remaining in the marital home, or you file for D. Nothing less than that will shake her fog. You keep the kids in the home, and she is free to leave period. And if she chooses to stay, she drops the OM. No more FB.


----------



## mssherlock22 (Oct 27, 2011)

Dolph:
So sorry u are going thru this. I guess none of us who post on this website know for sure what is best because apparently our relationshops have failed. However, I think u need to believe that u have tried!!! Don't feel that u have not tried & failed. It is just that u can't make the other person who thinks they want out of the relationship want to work on it. 
I know that when I caught my husand in an EA 9 mos ago I could not believe that he would throw away what I thought was a great relationship of 40 yrs & lie to me for 2 1/2 yrs. But I have still not been able to make him see why this hurt me so.
All we can do is to work on ourselves & feel that we have done all that we can & try to like ourselves again.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Not too much happened there because after a few weeks, she found his picture on the megan's law website and that ended that very quickly. Even though this happened i feel the damage was already done.


Good God, man! With judgement like that, she is a real keeper, right enough!

Sorry, I don't usually get so hard on someone but your wife's behaviour was putting your children at risk.

Why did she find him on the Megan's law website? Was she looking for him there? If so, why? You need to do some digging, dolph.

She is a menace to your marriage and potentially to your children.

This is not good.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Tell her she is either in the marriage or out. If she wants to make it work with you, then that means No Contact with other man. It means MC for you guys.

If she refuses No Contact with OM, then you have to file for divorce. No other way for this to work in your favor.

You can't compete with a new relationship. Not because OM is any better than you. Just because he is new.

The sad thing is that if your wife can't see this, you have little hope for the future. Hopefully, when you tell her it is you or divorce, she will chose you.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Good God, man! With judgement like that, she is a real keeper, right enough!
> 
> Sorry, I don't usually get so hard on someone but your wife's behaviour was putting your children at risk.
> 
> ...




Megan's Law??? Child Predators??? Are you kidding???

I just caught that connection. OMG!! The OP might really want to consider the safety of his children first and foremost. Under NO circumstances should she be allowed to take the children anywhere near the OM. She should be ashamed of herself for even getting involved with such an individual. What kind of mother is she?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I think the original OM is out of the picture,and her long time male friend is the new potential OM if not already.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dolph said:


> The other option is that her male friend offered his house for her and the kids to stay to get away.


You're kidding right? If someone else told you this, what you say to them?

As for you moving downstairs forget about it. She wants to screw around then she'll be the one to move. You're being too nice to her, if you want her to respect you you have to respect yourself first. Don't put up with her crap.

Can you check her text messages, or does she delete them? If you can read the content of what she's discussing with this male 'friend'.

Is she working? What's her schedule like? Is she staying out late or working on weekends? Did she start to dress differently or sexy lingerie?


----------



## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

i just want to clear up about the megan's law guy(and i'm not defended her). this isn't the same guy as we are dealing with now. the 1st guy was someone she knew in high school and reconnected awhile after that. i guess somewhere in between he did something? Still, not a great judge of character on her part


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Put your foot down.

When she threatens you with that crap, call her bluff.

Run upstairs as fast as you can, pack her sh!t as fast as
you can... and then drive her over to OM's house (without kids)
as fast as you can.

I bet her tune will change real quick.


----------



## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

keko, i believe all of her talking is just through fb. she doesn't really work (5-10 hrs/week) and not really anything has changed.

She feels like the OM's house is her only option because she has no where else to go(which she really doesn't) because family is not an option. and she doesn't want to feel trapped being inside of this house.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Megan's Law??? Child Predators??? Are you kidding???
> 
> I just caught that connection. OMG!! The OP might really want to consider the safety of his children first and foremost. Under NO circumstances should she be allowed to take the children anywhere near the OM. She should be ashamed of herself for even getting involved with such an individual. What kind of mother is she?


:iagree:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dolph said:


> i just want to clear up about the megan's law guy(and i'm not defended her). this isn't the same guy as we are dealing with now. the 1st guy was someone she knew in high school and reconnected awhile after that. i guess somewhere in between he did something? Still, not a great judge of character on her part


I do not trust her judgement. And neither should you.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dolph said:


> The other option is that her male friend offered his house for her and the kids to stay to get away.


 She does not want to live with you, but it is OK to live with the other man (OM). Wake up. She is in an affair with the OM and and does not want to live with you so that she can explore the relationship with the OM without you getting in the way. Many cheaters consider a separation a break from the marriage, that allows them to date others without it being cheating. A separation will not do anything to bring you closer. 

The odds are not good but your best chance at saving your marriage long term are to be willing to end the marraige if she is not willing to commit to you right now. Confront her and tell her that you know what is going on between her and the other man and that there cannot be 3 in a marriage. Tell he that you know that she is either already in a physical affair (PA) or wants to be in a PA with the OM and that you will not be the back up plan. Tell her that her admitting to this truth is not a requirement for you to act accordingly. Tell her that she must either say yes right now to committing to the marraige or you will proceed immediately with filing for divorce. Tell her that any other answer other than yes is not a yes and will be treated the same as a no. You must not let her cake eat. You must be willing to walk away and mean it for her to maybe break out of the fog that she is in. If she commits to you that means full no contact with the OM ever again. There can be not wavering on this. If she does not commit to you, then the marraige was already over and now you know and can move on with your life.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dolph said:


> keko, i believe all of her talking is just through fb. she doesn't really work (5-10 hrs/week) and not really anything has changed.
> 
> She feels like the OM's house is her only option because she has no where else to go(which she really doesn't) because family is not an option. and she doesn't want to feel trapped being inside of this house.


Other then those 5-10 hours she could essentially be anywhere correct? And you wouldn't have any way to confirm her whereabouts?

Until you check her phone/emails/etc. you will NOT be 100% sure she isn't hiding anything else.

From just what you posted it sounds like it has already gotten physical with this male friend, prepare yourself emotionally for it.


----------



## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

dolph said:


> So we have been talking the past couple days and she's not sure what she wants to do.* She said she just needs time apart for awhile to think about things. * We discussed some options (tougher with the kids). I have asked her about going to MC now and she is hesitant because she's not sure the love is still there.


Classic cheater talk for "I want to go screw my new BF/GF".


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, she leaves, the kids stay! Then she can do as much 'soul searching' and 'finding herself' without explaining to the kids that: "What they just accidentally saw her doing with 'Uncle Dave' is something so secret that they must never tell their father about it."

And yeah, *of course *the original OM is totally out of the picture. Fer sure! I mean, why would she lie to you?

And the original OM has just finished explaining how that Megan's law thing was all a ghastly mistake, an error, a travesty of justice, of revenge by an evil former spouse, crooked law enforcement officer, etc., etc., etc.

As I said. She's a real keeper. Well, she will be, should she ever get her head out of the fog.


----------



## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

keko, i just assume that she did, even though she denies it. He lives an hour and 1/2 away and she's never gone that long.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dolph said:


> keko, i just assume that she did, even though she denies it. He lives an hour and 1/2 away and she's never gone that long.


They meet at a location midway between or he has moved closer?


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

There is always a way.


----------



## dolph (Jun 28, 2012)

i feel very confident they don't meet in between because she always has the kids when i'm working. he lives in our old hometown, so when she goes back (which isn't that often) i think she sees him


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your son is 6. Guessing in school. The other is 18 months, probably takes naps. 

What is stopping the OM from driving the 1.5 hours and spending an hour or two at your house while your toddler naps?

There is always a way!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Your son is 6. Guessing in school. The other is 18 months, probably takes naps.
> 
> What is stopping the OM from driving the 1.5 hours and spending an hour or two at your house while your toddler naps?
> 
> There is always a way!


I am thinking a VAR in the car...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its going to take a lot for dolph to see whats going on. I think by the time he does its going to be to late.

By the way dolph, she is at minimum in an emotional affair, probably physical too.

Checked her emails, texts, facebook chats, phone logs yet?

There is a reason she gave you the basic "love you but not in love with you speech". The betrayed spouse always gets that before the separation. BTW, separation almost always leads to divorce.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

dolph said:


> *i feel very confident *they don't meet in between because she always has the kids when i'm working. he lives in our old hometown, so when she goes back (which isn't that often) i think she sees him


Then you must be prepared for the worst, my friend.

Every BS here said the same thing to themselves along the way.

Stay here to read others stories and learn from their mistakes and accomplishments. Consider it free therapy.

But don't be foolish and doubt for one second that it's not possible.
Cheaters and drifters MAKE it possible.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you are to have a chance at saving your family, you need to know how far this has already gone.

You need to read to books immediately. You can buy/download them at amazon.com

No More Mr Nice Guy 

Married Man Sex Life (not a sex manual) this one is a relationship guide with a plan to bring you and your wife back together, it can really work.

Do not let her take your kids out of their home.

Do not leave.

Separate bank accts, credit cards etc. Real life need sto hit your wife right between the eyes. Get a consult with your lawyer.

Your family is on the edge of a cliff. You needt be strong deciscive and take action now. You can fight, rollover or wring your hands.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Can you get those chats/emails? Keylog the PC, check out the phone bill, get a VAR to pou it in the right spot to get some phone call bteween them. You will now the ugly truth. What she can't deny.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

She's got a car? If so, GPS, VAR the thing. Use upholstery grade velcro to hold the VAR up under the driver's seat. Put cellphone spy on her phone. Keylog the computer. Then, hold on to your hat.


----------

