# I need perspective



## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

What do you think? My husband of 27 years was on Facebook looking up a woman who was once thought to be his child. 31 years ago, he told me that he was going through a divorce because the woman he married lied about having a child with him. My husband's name was on the birth certificate. I was young and dumb and trusted him. I met him in college. He went on to retire as a full bird colonel. had a successful career. so, now, he's looking up the girl once thought to be his child. he wont tell me why. She still has his last name. shes in her 30's. Its all so odd and he's being very defensive. I just need some perspective.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't think we are going to say any reasons to you that you haven't already thought of in your mind. Maybe the kid is his or maybe it was just very traumatic and he wants to see what happened to her. She is the very least his ex-wife's kid with his last name, sounds like this was a possible reason for them to break up. Maybe he doesn't even really know. The only one who can really give you any answers is your husband.

From your post it sounds like you met him after his relationship with the mother was over, but it's hard to tell. If that's the case it doesn't sound like he cheated on you but he may have abandoned his kid which is ****ed up in my book. I will say though 27 years ago there was no real way to tell so if the mother was with two guys at once then that leaves some gray area. If I was this kid (now adult) I wouldn't want to have a relationship with him anyway, like why would she. Not sure what he is looking for in the long run.

What exactly are your feelings on this? Assuming he was done with his ex when you met would the paternity it have mattered at the time? Are you upset he may have abandoned his responsibilities as a father? Are you jelous that he may have a kid not with you? Is it the possible lying?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

First off I do not see this as a problem. Many would be OK with their husband looking up what may be his child. It will not affect the marriage except if you make it an issue. Maybe he is embarrassed to tell you the reason or does not know it himself. I would just wait and see what happens because sooner of later he will have to say something about it. He may think that the child is really his because it would not be good for his ex wife to tell her new lover that he has to raise her exe's kid. In fact, telling her new lover that the kid was his would assure her future with him. The smart move would be to tell her ex husband that the kid was not his if she was in a relationship with another guy that she wanted to be with. Maybe your husband wants to be sure before he tells you anything.


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

Thank you for responding, sokillme, good questions. My husband and I rarely talk about this part of his past. When I ran into his search for his "daughter" on FB (i borrowed his phone...) it caught me off guard. a little back history. His marriage was over before he met me. It was during his enlisted years. his ex-wife was also in the military. She was pregnant and afraid and my husband was young and dumb. he felt he was doing the right thing by marrying her. Baby came "early." The time line didn't match up. No paternity testing was done. After four years of dating and getting through college, we got married. He convinced me that he was manipulated into the marriage. My parents were skeptical but then came around as well. At our first duty station he got a letter from his ex wife asking for some papers and that she was getting married and the new guy would be adopting the girl. Its been so long. I have no idea how that all unfolded. There was an apology from the ex for her behavior. However...why would the girl still have our last name? I don't understand that. strange. He is 55 years old, PTSD, and just doesn't want to really Share his feelings. We have never told our boys about the marriage or child. My husband has not wanted to do that. our 24 year old son has asked some questions. He's very smart, insightful, well read and loves discussing what makes people tick. I called him this evening (after I posted my question) to tell him my concern about his Dad without giving anything away. He said he knew some things about his Dad. He came right out and told me he knew about his past. WTF!!! and his other brother knew too. That my husband had already told them and that they were not to tell me they knew. I'm not into lying and deception. This makes me so frustrated. My gosh, let's talk openly. Our three boys are all over the age of 18. I have no idea if the third boy knows. I guess I'll get some counseling scheduled. A third party may have to sort through this. If the girl is his...then let's address it. It's the deception that is getting to me. Our oldest son feels there is a possibility it could be their 1/2 sibling. Going off how his Dad was acting. I don't know. I thought the chapter closed long ago. Now that I'm older and wiser...I look back and see how dumb I was. Currently, however, my husband is acting strange. This is just one of the several incidences that have happened lately. Now I have to address the fact he told two of the boys and asked them to leave me out of the loop. That is not fair to the boys.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Maybe he just wanted to see if she had any resemblance to him?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sadgirl1991 said:


> Thank you for responding, sokillme, good questions. My husband and I rarely talk about this part of his past. When I ran into his search for his "daughter" on FB (i borrowed his phone...) it caught me off guard. a little back history. His marriage was over before he met me. It was during his enlisted years. his ex-wife was also in the military. She was pregnant and afraid and my husband was young and dumb. he felt he was doing the right thing by marrying her. Baby came "early." The time line didn't match up. No paternity testing was done. After four years of dating and getting through college, we got married. He convinced me that he was manipulated into the marriage. My parents were skeptical but then came around as well. At our first duty station he got a letter from his ex wife asking for some papers and that she was getting married and the new guy would be adopting the girl. Its been so long. I have no idea how that all unfolded. There was an apology from the ex for her behavior. However...why would the girl still have our last name? I don't understand that. strange. He is 55 years old, PTSD, and just doesn't want to really Share his feelings. We have never told our boys about the marriage or child. My husband has not wanted to do that. our 24 year old son has asked some questions. He's very smart, insightful, well read and loves discussing what makes people tick. I called him this evening (after I posted my question) to tell him my concern about his Dad without giving anything away. He said he knew some things about his Dad. He came right out and told me he knew about his past. WTF!!! and his other brother knew too. That my husband had already told them and that they were not to tell me they knew. I'm not into lying and deception. This makes me so frustrated. My gosh, let's talk openly. Our three boys are all over the age of 18. I have no idea if the third boy knows. I guess I'll get some counseling scheduled. A third party may have to sort through this. If the girl is his...then let's address it. It's the deception that is getting to me. Our oldest son feels there is a possibility it could be their 1/2 sibling. Going off how his Dad was acting. I don't know. I thought the chapter closed long ago. Now that I'm older and wiser...I look back and see how dumb I was. Currently, however, my husband is acting strange. This is just one of the several incidences that have happened lately. Now I have to address the fact he told two of the boys and asked them to leave me out of the loop. That is not fair to the boys.


Best way to deal with this is to talk to HIM about it. Honestly. I would think he has doubts about this girl as well. Telling you kids and not you seems strange, but the only one who can help you with this is him. Talk to him.


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Maybe he just wanted to see if she had any resemblance to him?


 I thought of that too. I asked him. He didn't really have an answer.:|


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How are you asking? Is it confrontational?


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Best way to deal with this is to talk to HIM about it. Honestly. I would think he has doubts about this girl as well. Telling you kids and not you seems strange, but the only one who can help you with this is him. Talk to him.


Thank you, I wish he felt he could talk about it. My boys are all sharers...they love to express themselves. I've always encouraged that. They get so frustrated that they can't get their Dad to talk. He's a sweet guy. He's been in several combat situations. He has seen death up close and way to personal. We are working on counseling post military career. Now adding this additional layer. Don't you think the boys should know about this other part of his life. We should be open not tip toeing around. Right?


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> How are you asking? Is it confrontational?


No, I didn't. With him I have to be careful. I started off by saying I needed to ask him a question and that I wasn't mad or upset but curious. I caught him off guard. He said very little. So I let it go. I sat on the couch with a glass of wine. Thinking it through. He came in and asked me...."What are your thoughts." Which really means...."I need to know what you are thinking so I can defend myself." He wanted to talk but not really. So it went south.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sadgirl1991 said:


> Thank you, I wish he felt he could talk about it. My boys are all sharers...they love to express themselves. I've always encouraged that. They get so frustrated that they can't get their Dad to talk. He's a sweet guy. He's been in several combat situations. He has seen death up close and way to personal. We are working on counseling post military career. Now adding this additional layer. Don't you think the boys should know about this other part of his life. We should be open not tip toeing around. Right?


I think he has a lot of say in that. He did tell at least 2 of the boys so they do know. But he should talk with you, so I'm sorry that he has trouble talking about stuff. That's hard, I know. Some people are just not open. I don't think it's that strange to want to see what happened considering the trauma that happens when you are cheated on.

I had someone who cheated on me tell me a few week later that she was pregnant. She took it back apologized the next day and never spoke about it again. However since I ghosted a few weeks later even though I am sure she was not pregnant I sometimes think about that and wonder what is she way lying and I have a kid out there. I am sure you have thinks in your past that you think about and wonder right?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sadgirl1991 said:


> No, I didn't. With him I have to be careful. I started off by saying I needed to ask him a question and that I wasn't mad or upset but curious. I caught him off guard. He said very little. So I let it go. I sat on the couch with a glass of wine. Thinking it through. He came in and asked me...."What are your thoughts." Which really means...."I need to know what you are thinking so I can defend myself." He wanted to talk but not really. So it went south.


Maybe you need to approach it differently. Entreat him, make it about what you are feeling. Play on his natural instinct to want to take care of you. 

"Husband, I am not mad, I understand that this is hard. I am just feeling unsure, mostly because if this is bothering you I want to help you. I hurts a little bit that you won't let me help you. I just love you and worry about you. I know you have been through a lot I just wish you would let me help you and talk to me."

See, now it's not about you being confrontational but about what is really going on which is this hurts you because you feel like this is something in your marriage that is separating you guys. 

Assuming we are decent husbands a lot of times us guys are much more motivated by our wives suffering then our wives demands. Get what I am saying? I don't know your husband but maybe this is a case were being vulnerable though hard will help you.


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Maybe you need to approach it differently. Entreat him, make it about what you are feeling. Play on his natural instinct to want to take care of you.
> 
> "Husband, I am not mad, I understand that this is hard. I am just feeling unsure, mostly because if this is bothering you I want to help you. I hurts a little bit that you won't let me help you. I just love you and worry about you. I know you have been through a lot I just wish you would let me help you and talk to me."
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insight and perspective. I have compassion and will most certainly try this approach. He has continued on like nothing ever happened. I'm quite sure it's a learned behavior from his PTSD combat experience. anything negatives goes into a "box" (compartmentalized) . Locked up. He moves on. 

Someone made light out of this, earlier.... Maybe I'm just over reacting. At this point does it really matter? Who knows.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If all he did was look up a person on Facebook who has his name, you are overreacting.

Sometimes people think about their past and it's so easy to find people on the internet....

What exactly are you worried about? If you and your husband's relationship is strong, you have no problem. If it's not, what he has done doesn't sound like a problem to me. The way you are kinda overzealous about getting things from him, may be why he doesn't talk to you about his past.
Would you describe yourself as a Leslie's person?

Just asking. I have no idea why this bothers you so much...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sadgirl1991 said:


> Thank you for your insight and perspective. I have compassion and will most certainly try this approach. He has continued on like nothing ever happened. I'm quite sure it's a learned behavior from his PTSD combat experience. anything negatives goes into a "box" (compartmentalized) . Locked up. He moves on.
> 
> Someone made light out of this, earlier.... Maybe I'm just over reacting. At this point does it really matter? Who knows.


It matters if it matters to you. You will do better at building a bond between you with empathy and compassion. Not saying you don't have a right to feel the way you do but if you work it from that angle you may have a breakthrough.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do you mean his ex lied about the fact this the child wasn't his? Or that it was his and she didn't tell him he had a child? 
This is something that he must talk to you about. You have been married for a long time, and if this child may suddenly appear into your lives it will affect you as much as him. Having said that, if the child is 30 and hasn't come looking for him, it may mean she doesnt want to or doesn't even know who her father is. Or her mum may have married and she thinks the man she married is her dad.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I’d personally feel better, @sadgirl1991 ~ if he were including you, as his trusted wife and partner, in this endeavor much rather than bearing his cross alone!

But if he absolutely refuses to include you, then leave him to his solo pursuit, telling him that you love him, and will always be there for him if he ever should need you!*


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sadgirl1991 said:


> Thank you for your insight and perspective. I have compassion and will most certainly try this approach. *He has continued on like nothing ever happened.* I'm quite sure it's a learned behavior from his PTSD combat experience. anything negatives goes into a "box" (compartmentalized) . Locked up. He moves on.
> 
> Someone made light out of this, earlier....* Maybe I'm just over reacting. At this point does it really matter? *Who knows.


Look it matters to him.

As an older man very near retirement, one of the things most good men try to do is get the loose ends in their life pulled together.

I suspect that is what he is doing and you should respect him for that. 

There is a child who is listed as his on a birth certificate, but the date of conception didn't line up with his relationship to the mother. She has to know who was listed as her father on her birth certificate as you need a birth certificate for all kinds of things from passports to other things. She is using his last name, so she really has to know who he is. She should at least be offered the opportunity to meet him, even if you are not thrilled about it. 

He has lots of doubts about if she is his child. One of the things I am getting into is genealogy, including finding distant relatives via DNA testing. Perhaps as a birthday or Christmas present get you, your 3 sons, you H and the woman who has his last name a Family Tree, Ancesrty DNA, or 23&Me DNA test kit. Tell them that you want to take up genealogy.

Good luck.


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

I want to thank everyone for their input.


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## sadgirl1991 (Jan 7, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Look it matters to him.
> 
> As an older man very near retirement, one of the things most good men try to do is get the loose ends in their life pulled together.
> 
> ...


I especially appreciate your input. You read and understood what I was concerned about. (This was my first post so I think I was a bit too vague). What you said makes so much sense. Perhaps he is trying to "tie up loose ends"... That really makes sense to me......I honor that. Completely. I wish he could talk about it. I have not pushed. I have asked. I have walked gently around the topic. I have respect and concern for his PTSD. His love language happens to be words of affirmation. I know this about him so I try very hard to build him up. Even though he had an amazing 34 years of service and retired as a full-bird with a chest full of awards. From me, he needs that affirmation. He also has been to combat and had his roommate die in his arms. He survived. Right after that is when he met the "girl" who claimed she was pregnant with his child. We are talking 33 years ago. The mom never asked for a dime. The daughter has never reached out. Just the apology letter that arrived after we were first married. Apologizing for putting my husband through the lie. However, no DNA testing was done. Maybe he wonders if the child was his. ? He's a good man. He is very responsible. I'm supportive. But, I'm not a mind reader. our boys get very frustrated with the fact he struggles to communicate. He told two of the three that he was married before. Which is absolutely no problem. I highly encourage honesty and openness. But he told them not to tell me that he told them. That's where I find things odd. The third boy may or may not know. The oldest knows there was a child involved. This all goes back to communicating. His favorite response, when asked a question he doesnt want to answer is...."I don't have an answer for that." Not much we can say when he shuts down the communication. This is probably left for a counseling appointment.

I appreciate your response. I have friends who are finding long lost cousins through Ancestry.com. That would be awesome to do. My boys would love that. 

My husband and I do pray together. We are both believers. I continue to pray over this situation. I think you said it best....I never thought of him as one to feel the need to tie up loose ends....but I do believe you are right. It makes so much sense. and you are right....if it matters to him, it matters to me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sadgirl1991 said:


> ..Perhaps he is trying to "tie up loose ends"... That really makes sense to me......I wish he could talk about it. I have not pushed. I have asked. I have walked gently around the topic. I have respect and concern for his PTSD. His love language happens to be words of affirmation. I know this about him so I try very hard to build him up. ..... From me, he needs that affirmation.
> 
> ....However, no DNA testing was done. Maybe he wonders if the child was his. ? He's a good man. He is very responsible. I'm supportive.
> 
> ...


I would like to provide a few insights into my mind. Your H may or may not be different.

My primary love language is touch followed by words of affirmation. What I have tried to teach my wife is if she is going to criticize me, it will work out best, if she tells me she loves me, communicates to me in one of my love languages that I am loved (touch works best for me) and then gently tells me how my behavior she wants me to think about chaninge. This way My sense of feeling I am loved counter balance what I might interpret as anti-affirmation (criticism or anti-love). 

His PTSD may complicate your ability to broach topics with him. When he says, he doesn't have an answer for your question, I would suggest that rather than giving up, tell him it is important to you and you would like to discuss it more at a later date. Then make him feel loved in his various love languages. From your post it sound like you are doing thia and understand how important it is.

One of the concepts my W and I learned in a Gottmans weekend workshop on the Art and Science of Love was the concept of "emotional flooding." My wife will emotionally flood on certain topics. What happens is that the topic triggers a deep fear or emotional response. This in turn triggers a "fight or flight" adrenaline dump. That basically causes her rational (and debate/negotiation) thought process to shut down until her adrenaline levels return to near normal. It is a "normal" response. It means sometimes one has to take a time out on discussions. His "I have no answer" may be a learned response to dealing with his emotional flooding. 

Now, I want to amplify on one more comment you made. "....Not much we can say when he shuts down the communication. This is probably left for a counseling appointment......"

Retirement can be hard for someone who has had lots of responsibility. There can be a feeling of loss, of having what is a familiar torn from you. I and my wife have been working for about 5 years at transitioning for high stress careers toward retirement. Those who don't have a plan can sometimes stumble, no matter how "capable" they are. We are about a year away from retirement. One thing we have agreed to do is do a marriage counseling preventive maintenance "tune-up" prior to retirement. There are even marriage counselors that specialize in life transition counseling. This can range from divorce, death of a spouse, loss of job, illness or sudden disability,.......to retirement. Some studies show that loss of a career can trigger a grieving process for loss of self identity. Some counseling can help one creatively plan how to redirect one energies, talents and passions after retirement. Some people can fear retirement.

Again your situation and that of your H may be totally different. These are just some things that work for me.

Good luck & God bless. You will do fine and things will work out for the best.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Obviously I’m just guessing here but something that stood out to me was that you said in the beginning the fact that he potentially had a child from a previous marriage was a big concern for you and your family.
You said, “He convinced me that he was manipulated into the marriage. My parents were skeptical but then came around as well.”

I think this is why has told your boys not to mention to you that he had spoken to them about his past. He knows how you felt back then about it and he doesn’t want to stir up pain for you, but he didn’t want to hide things from the boys.
I think it’s actually pretty awesome that such an emotionally reserved man shared this with his sons. It shows how honorable he is.
He didn’t want them to be caught off guard.

So anyway in line with retirement, tying up loose ends he wants to be certain but he doesn’t want to unnecessarily stir up painful memories for you. Especially if he’s unsure about what he’s feeling or thinking about it.

I think assuring him that you would never reconsider the choice you made in marrying him, even if you did find out that the girl is his daughter. 

(As long as that’s true)

I think he needs some reassurance that you are by his side no matter what and you’ll support his need to know if that’s the case.


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