# I'm desperate...



## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

I've been here for a while but very afraid to post as I cheated on my husband, I know if I explain that we were separated at the time and he told me to get on with my life is like I'm justifying it. Believe me I've gone through all the self loathing I can, the remorse, the endless crying and the realisation of what have I done, is unbearable.. The PA happened once I ended it immediately and it was something that I allowed to happen because I failed as a wife and was a broken woman, that is all I can say about it. I will not excuse it, so please no judgement needed but I need help. My DH came back and forgave me we were doing okay. We should have kept the counselling up but we moved away from our support base and about a month ago he read a diary entry written 9mths ago talking about how this person told me I was his soul mate and how this man pursued me and my DH could not be bothered with me and called our marriage/relationship toxic. and that is all I wrote. anyhow it brought everything back up for DH and he left without a word and we only talk about arranging visits with children etc. I want my husband and our marriage, but he is not sure, he told me everytime he looks at me he sees images of me and the OM. He does not want me to contact him absolutely NOTHING. Can I say that it was NOT a passionate affair, we didnt even kiss and I was half dressed!, I know none of this matters, what I'm trying to say is that I hated my DH for leaving me and this man kept on calling me and at first offered me friendship to help me through and then he started to tell feed me crap I wanted and should have been hearing from my hubby, .Anyway, bottom line I did a foolish, terrible thing and have damanged my marriage and I knw what it feels like bc my DH did it to me early in our marriage, only once too. I'm justifying i think. , I just want to know how can I get him back, . I stuffed up but I cant give up on our marriage even if he has.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Actually, I think that if you were separated at the time, you didn't cheat. That's just me, I'm sure that others will disagree with me.
So it's been a month since he left? I think that you two need to talk and resume counseling in order for him to get some relief. Keep trying to talk to him.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Let him go. Yes that is right, let him go and wish him a happy life as a single man. In the meantime, start the implementation of the 180 degrees rules.

WARNING: The 180 is NOT a manipulation tool to make your spouse end his/her affair and commit to do the work of marital recovery, IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life - with or without your spouse. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive.

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
__________________
"It's amusing. He so wanted to be a hero and yet he couldn't even save himself."


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Your contrition is the start. Then you work on being a better person, and hope he notices.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I am not sure 180 is the answer in this case. You are the one who had A, and your H is trying to detach his feelings for you by physically separating from you. I would rather go for Plan A by being remorseful and affectionate. Show him that you are willing to prove that you have changed and you are committed to fight for this marraige. 

The fact that your H left you the first time shows that your M has been already on a shaky ground for a while. This affair may have served as the last straw, but then again you never know. If you don't want to give up, then don't give up. Keep fighting. 

Marriage is an exclusive relationship, and you are either in or out. There is no between. Even if your H moved out, if you were willing to fight for the marraige, you shouldn't have been involved with another man in any form or fashion. This was your mistake. Don't make the same mistake twice. Keep fighting and keep making yourself available only for your H. If you are religious, keep praying as well.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I beg to differ sadcalifornian for the following



> my DH did it to me early in our marriage, only once too


He threw her away and told her to live her life without him. He set her up because he wanted to live life as a single man. I am a man who loathes these weasels who then come back and act all high and mighty.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> I beg to differ sadcalifornian for the following
> 
> 
> 
> He threw her away and told her to live her life without him. He set her up because he wanted to live life as a single man. I am a man who loathes these weasels who then come back and act all high and mighty.


Yes, I agree that H does not deserve Plan A as he is the one who cheated first. But, as the current situation goes, it is OP that wants to save the M more than her H. With OP's A being more fresh, H seems to have taken the higher ground here, and I feel 180 in this case may turn out counterproductive. 

BTW, I do agree he is a weasel.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Start making plans to move on with your life

You felt sorry for yourself, before, and look what happened----

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, now---You have no control over what your H., does, You have a life to live, so H., or not---get over this, and start moving forward


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

thank you very much for your responses...I never saw it quite like you saw it, morituri. I'm not gonna take the high and mighty attitude here either but I was so distraught in what I did, I was an idiot and a fool that I cant deny, its been nine months since D day and I think its, its time to move on from this. I have not had any contact from the OM either, except that he contacted me trying to reconnect a month ago, same week my H left. I sent an email back stating I love my husband and he cannot ever contact me again.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, if you have both been unfaithful, perhaps it is best to remain single until you are ready to settle down. Sounds like neither of you is committed to the concept of monogamy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Well, if you have both been unfaithful, perhaps it is best to remain single until you are ready to settle down. Sounds like neither of you is committed to the concept of monogamy.


:iagree:

Maybe you would both be happier and better off by choosing to accept ending the relationship?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I agree with Morituri and Lon.
Maybe it's time to let it go


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Why were you separated? How long had you been separated? Were you living apart? Had any divorce preceedings been started but then stopped? What kind of contact did you have with your H during the separation? When you did your act, how far into the separation were you and when after the act did you R with your H? These are all very important factors. Also, I agree with what Mori said. My intutition is telling me that perhaps hubby has a secret he is keeping and he is using your discrection as a means of keeping any focus off of himself.


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Why were you separated? How long had you been separated? Were you living apart? Had any divorce preceedings been started but then stopped? What kind of contact did you have with your H during the separation? When you did your act, how far into the separation were you and when after the act did you R with your H? These are all very important factors. Also, I agree with what Mori said. My intutition is telling me that perhaps hubby has a secret he is keeping and he is using your discrection as a means of keeping any focus off of himself.


We were separated because he was not happy in our marriage, turns out he has been suffering depression, neither one of us knew the symptoms...but he had so much going on against him..health issues, loss of a job this had been going on for 3 years in hindsight I see how slowly he stopped communicating, touching, being intimate with me. I simply thought it was me, cos I kept being there for him, loving affectionate but he didnt respond so i began to live him a lone, give him space... and I never put two and two together...then his father passed away..and that's when it all hit..we had a huge argument and he took off (I called the police bc it had been three days and no word, children all worried bc of health issues etc) so I located him but everyone was under instructions I was not allowed to know where he was, until his sister told me he was going to stay with her. (that's another story)To me a wk seemed forever!...He wanted nothing to do with me. Didnt want to talk unless to do with visiting the children. Three months into our separation there was a school reunion and this is when i met an old friend. He told me how he had a crush on me etc etc and he befriended me told me he wanted to support me with what I was going through, that I needed support blah blah...truth is I was vulnerable, my hubby was telling me how bad I was and how unhappy i made him and this man was telling me the opposite ....at first I knew this was wrong and would lead to trouble so I asked him to leave me alone he said he would and never did...I should have been firmer!! I told my hsuband about this man and he was not interested , all my H said have you been intimate with him? i said no, please come home..but when H response was of no concern , i felt totally rejected, unloved and a failure...so yes, I gave in and allowed this man to support me, at first its all it was and right to the very end this man was always saying how our "friendship" was not wrong. I was like "are you kidding!!" At the time I didnt know my H was suffering depression, he seemed strong to me, very convinced he wanted out of the marriage. so then H decided yes, okay lets make this work. I was angry at him for letting me go through all this...Ok now I know I cant blame him. At the time I did but still I was willing to make it work, but he still didnt want to really call me, go out my H wasnt really doing anything to show me he really wanted this. this phase only lasted a week and then H said.. I cant do this, I dont love you , get on with your life. I cant tell you how this devastated me. So I allowed myself to get involved deeper just once it was the worst thing I did, I regreted it the moment it happened I seriously went into a terrible depression and then H wanted to try again two wks later!! I felt even worse. Emotions can be a killer and acting on emotions is so wrong..did I mention I ended the whole thing the same day "It" happened. I was an idiot but truly I dont know how other affairs go but I never fell in love with the OM I was just using him for validation , Okay, i know its wrong..but I'm not that confident at all, my H had not paid me any attention in years. I was a mess and I didnt even know it...this situation is not so black and white. I made a mistake. I dont think my H is hiding anything other then the fact he doesnt know what he wants. Today he told me that he simply cant live with me. I was broken again but this time I'm walking this road alone and only with female friends as my support. I'm determined to get through this horrible period in my life and hoping that I will stay married in the end. I know it sounds impossible, but I know he cares for me, today he also said he wants the best for me and the children, that he doesnt hate me or anything but just cant live with me. Sorry for the length , my situation is a bit complex. I think we R about two months from him knowing, he moved back home soon after and for 9mths were doing okay and he found diary entry and took off again. During this time he had taken himself off the antidepressants but he seemd ok...now I realised that he had began the same symptoms but reading the entry brought it all back up again. B4 all this we had been going to counselling, he actually recommitted himself to the marriage he was very loving, told me he was happy and I thought it was going good..not great, but things take time. So I realise now that 3 things happened to cause him to flee again. He got off the drugs, we moved 4hrs away from our main support base and he read my diary!! I'm kind of all over the place sorry...things keep coming to me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The first thing you need to do - if you haven't done so already - is to send the OM (other man) a NC (no contact) letter telling him that you never want to see him ever again - he's a weasel who took advantage of a vulnerable married woman, remember? He can never be trusted.

As much as depression is a serious medical condition, the sufferer still has the responsibility to himself and to his loved ones, to seek medical help. Your H has chosen not to, and instead is playing a game of fence sitting.

My advice is for you to seek counseling for yourself to address and resolve any co-dependency issues on your part, and to tell your H not to contact you anymore until he can prove to you that he is undergoing medical treatment for his depression. I know the last part is very hard for you but so far you acquiescing to his whims has been very emotionally draining for you and for the children as well. Your H needs to get the message that unless he seeks medical attention for his depression, that the marriage is going to be over.


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> The first thing you need to do - if you haven't done so already - is to send the OM (other man) a NC (no contact) letter telling him that you never want to see him ever again - he's a weasel who took advantage of a vulnerable married woman, remember? He can never be trusted.
> 
> As much as depression is a serious medical condition, the sufferer still has the responsibility to himself and to his loved ones, to seek medical help. Your H has chosen not to, and instead is playing a game of fence sitting.
> 
> My advice is for you to seek counseling for yourself to address and resolve any co-dependency issues on your part, and to tell your H not to contact you anymore until he can prove to you that he is undergoing medical treatment for his depression. I know the last part is very hard for you but so far you acquiescing to his whims has been very emotionally draining for you and for the children as well. Your H needs to get the message that unless he seeks medical attention for his depression, that the marriage is going to be over.


I really appreciate your advise and point of view. I have done the first part already, I think a few days after Dday via a phone call. I let him call me to let him know where I stood and said basically everything on the NC letter.
My H does not contact me at all, I do all the calling, texting etc..bc I was the one that cheated and it was my diary entry that brought all this up for him again, so I felt very responsible to do the right thing. He is seeking medical advise etc and is doing the IC but for him, not for the marriage, as far as his concern he either not sure or has lost complete hope.
I'm seeking help and I am doing IC although its very slow so might get another one. I never considered I could be Co dependant. I may have some aspects of it. I have let him go, what choice do I have and have stopped all the texting etc. I realise there is a lot that I need to understand about myself as I am findng it very difficult to let him go, but is it bc I love him and not seeing my children with their dad at home is really affecting me. thanks again.
I have posted in Reconciling stories, how do i link the two?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have to see yourself as a woman worthy of being respected and loved. WE all are.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please remember your past experience at how the OM weaseled his way in and used you. Keep away from friendly guys this time who want to help.

Have you taken everything that had to do with the OM and affair and burnt it? every piece of lingerie you wore for him, the dresses you wore on dates?, the make up you bought for him? All of it and trashed it? This includes photos you would have of places you went with him. All of it needs to go.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Can you disclose what your husband read in your diary? Maybe this will shed some light on the situation.


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

With regards to the OM I went to his work place 5 times, to pick up some DVD's (that was the excuse) also he fixed my car so there was no dates, it was mainly EA and a one off PA it was a revenge thing I did. Truth is I was not interested, It wrong but I was taken in by the chase and the pursuing from this person. The content of the diary was that I made a comparison on how this man was chasing me and here is my husband who could not be bothered. there was another entry where I feared being pg although there was not a chance as release was outside but you never know. I was so afraid and i wrote it in my diary, bc I didnt know how to release the fear if I could be, I had figured I was not gonna cover up one sin with another (killing an unborn baby) and also this man said i was his soulmate and blah blah but i never bought into that! I mean after the Dday I realised what I had done and was truly repentant. I wrote that on a particular day my H was giving me the cold shoulder all over again...I admire men here who have wives who cheat and wanna continue and show very little remorse etc and have been doing for months , years in a secure relationship and their husbands are simply amazing to hang in there with them. My tried but the diary entry set him off. I dont want to speak negative about him, but at the moment he doesnt see hope, but I do and I will hang in there. anyway, needed to say that. thanks again...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So it only took 5 meetings to go from stranger to PA. Wow, the OM must really be some sweet tslker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

I dont want to give anymore credit to this person nor the affair. I made a mistake and I'm just asking for help with regards to what I can do next not opinions on the affair, bc I already know I mucked up big time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's hurt bad. HE was down and then got back up, but then he got a punch to kidneys.

He needs time, he likely needs a lot of talking through it, and he needs to see you as a trusted option that is there for him.

There is no in time for the holidays quick fix at this point. Only time, to let his wounds heal.

Tell him you'll be there, you'll wait, because he is the one you choose, he is the one you want. 

In the meantime, do not have any kind of contact with males that could be misinterpreted or misconstrued. Life like he is watching from across the street, because he just maybe.

Give him a couple of clear ways to reach you, and the message that anytime he wants to contact you for anything, you'll come running.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

You seem petty remorseful, so, perhaps there is hope. It will take a long time,and there are no guarranties. But, you gave him a second chance once, right? Maybe he will remember that(he should).


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Do plan A till he come around. And, destroy any remnants of your A so that he wouldn't trigger like he did with your diary.


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

what is plan A? I'm kind of all over the place...


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

I appreciate your comment Arnold it gives me hope...I did give him a second chance I was so young then and I handled the affair so differently to most women here, all I know is that I went through hell and told no-one for months it took a year or more till I finally realised I needed to forgive him. So I understand his male pride (not a bad thing so pls dont misundertand me) its been 9mths so at least we have put some distance behind the event. I gotta say that we are communicating a little (once a week) since last week, talking about the fact I want to purchase a home and he is willing to help with this...so I'm hoping its the start of more positives things to come. If/When (trying to keep positive) he finally decides to try and make it work (I have bn doing heaps of "heavy lifting" for the last 9mths) I will make sure we both receive proper care and understanding about what has happened to us. Right now like most ppl are saying I need to give him space and be patient and I will, its the fear of losing him that makes me hold on...okay, I think I'm kind of rambling a bit. thank you all for your comments, I've really appreciated it. How I wish he would find something like this, its like group therapy here.


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

Sadcarlifornian, I found your post with plan A "affectionate and remorceful"...He told my sister "that I can't possibly do anymore then what I have done, that I have done everything right"...maybe 180 is the way to go??? actually I'm feeling my way through it atm. I'm not txting him anymore and have stopped calling him except for the house buying help and he is def willing to help me here  After today, I'm not gonna call him ...give him a chance to miss me?.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Iamchanging said:


> I'm not txting him anymore and have stopped calling him except for the house buying help and he is def willing to help me here  * After today, I'm not gonna call him ...give him a chance to miss me?.*


*WARNING*: The 180 is NOT a manipulation tool to make your husband come back to you and commit to do the work of marital recovery, IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you become emotionally strong so that you can move on with your life - with or without him.


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## Iamchanging (Nov 15, 2011)

Yes, I understand...I need to put space between us not to get him back but bc truly I believe I may be smothering him and I'm not giving him a chance to see where he is at.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Iamchanging said:


> Yes, I understand...I need to put space between us not to get him back but bc truly I believe I may be smothering him and I'm not giving him a chance to see where he is at.


But when you put the space between you, it is important to let him know that you're not rejecting him or closing the door. You're giving him breathing room, and you're available anytime he wants to connect with you.

I stress this point because he is having a lot of doubt about you. He could easily convince himself you've shown your true colors and decided to move on without him. The best way to kill off that idea is to do it before it starts in his head.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm a betrayed spouse, so I have the perspective of someone who was cheated on.

I don't think you cheated. And I don't think OM was particularly weasley. He was attracted to you, you were no longer with your husband, he took a shot a winning your heart, and you ultimately rejected him in favour of getting back with your ex. 

How is that cheating? 

Your husband abandoned the family for a period. Acted like a self-centered jerk, and you are taking responsibility for his negative actions. 

I don't see how you did anything wrong.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Iamchanging said:


> Yes, I understand...I need to put space between us not to get him back but bc truly I believe I may be smothering him and I'm not giving him a chance to see where he is at.


No, no, no and no.

*The 180 is for YOU and your emotional well being regardless of your husband's actions.* You must start making peace with the possibility that your marriage is on life support and that it may never recover. An extremely hard pill to swallow, I know, but one that you must take in order for you to emotionally heal so that you can move on with your life with or without him.

Start GAL (getting a life) and do the things that bring you happiness. Go to a spa, buy new clothes, get a new hairstyle, re-connect with old female friends and relatives, start a new career, take dancing classes, etc. *You are the master of your own happiness, not your husband nor anybody else.*.


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