# The renewal of the marriage vows?



## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Recently the subject of renewing our marriage vows came up? Once I thought this was the only way to go to put the old marriage behind us but now I am feeling like why bother. If WH didn’t respect the vows when he was lying and cheating what makes me think he will respect them a second time around. 

So I am asking the community what is your take on this? 
When is it the right time? 
Is it even the right thing to do? 
Will it make a difference? 
Is there something that should be done differently? 
Should you get new rings or use the old ones? 
Should you include family and friends or do it privately? 

Neither of us can wear white that is for sure. LOL (my small attempt at humor)

I think it is too soon for us since he has just started opening up after 18 months. He is working hard to try and repair things now and he thinks this will help, I'm not so sure .


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Who brought up renewing vows?


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Nothing wrong with telling him it's too soon.

That said, I also think it can be something that's worth doing - he didn't respect them before? Maybe not, but I'm of the opinion that people can learn from their mistakes. From your comments it seems as though he is remorseful, has been doing the work and is sincere about wanting to be better. I would think that there's a good chance that he will take them much more seriously this time.

But if it happens, it's on your timescale.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

My ww wanted to renew our vows shortly after dday. I changed the subject.
I thought why the fck bother.it didn't do any good taking the vows in the first place
So what's the purpose? But if its something you want to do then you should.and if you do I hope it works out for you


Is there something that should be done differently? Yes. Tell him not to cheat this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweet Ginger (Mar 25, 2013)

Last month my WH admitted to cheating on me. He is showing remorse and also brought up renewing our vows. I too felt like if they didn't mean anything the first time, why would the second time make a difference. Just curious, did you mention the "D" word to him? Because I feel like my WH is pulling at any thread, like renewing our vows, in an attempt for me to change my mind about a D.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Jupiter, I don't need to tell you this, but I have to say it: There are really only 2 reasons for him wanting to renew your vows. First, it's because he is remorseful and wants you to know he is willing to re-commit himself to you. Second, it's manipulation in a form of "let's focus on the good" and not do the hard work.

Either way, you've lived with what seems a stalled reconciliation at best. HE needs to get his head totally in the game and not worry about renewing anything except honesty and transparency.

As to your questions...

So I am asking the community what is your take on this? *Just did that.*
When is it the right time? *When YOU feel it's the right time. No sooner.*
Is it even the right thing to do? *Depends on the reconciliation. My wife has done her heavy lifting. We renewed our vows in bed one morning. It was for us...not anyone else.*
Will it make a difference? *Only you can answer this one.*
Is there something that should be done differently? *Yeah...ummm, most of what was done getting you here.*
Should you get new rings or use the old ones? *Up to you. Regret wears her old ones because she loves them and never wore them when with the xOM. I got a new one, however I miss my old one. They were handmade for us.*
Should you include family and friends or do it privately? *My opinion, private. This isn't about a show for everyone else like it was before. This is about re-committing. Period.*


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

My opinion...the vows are secondary to the commitment. In your heart do you absolutely know he is committed to you? If you aren't sure or hesitate in answering then renewing your vows is not appropriate.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Not to mention you don't have to renew your vows if you didn't break them..

He could just start with reading what commitment means in Wikipedia. Cheaper too.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

My wife suggested a renewed ceremony shortly after D-day, I rejected ust because it didn't feel right.

My thoughts about it now are:
What difference will it make? I have honored my pledge, she has not, I don't need to recommit to something I haven't broken.

For her... well, she cheated 20 years ago which I learned about 2 years ago, we married 12 years ago, church ceremony 7 years ago, she cheated 2 years ago. I don't believe that vows mean much to her - she doesn't respect the institution and she doesn't respect her promises to me. So why bother, and again what difference will it make?

The ring was a wonderful symbol to me, it still is, it reminds me of something wonderful I once thought I had. It would make me feel uncomfortable to buy and wear a new one. The one in the closet will have to do.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jupiter13 said:


> Recently the subject of renewing our marriage vows came up? Once I thought this was the only way to go to put the old marriage behind us but now I am feeling like why bother. If WH didn’t respect the vows when he was lying and cheating what makes me think he will respect them a second time around.
> 
> So I am asking the community what is your take on this?
> When is it the right time?
> ...


There is no right or wrong answer. It's up to the participants.

That said, IMHO, I'd never do so. A mockery was made of the first set. And since betraying is easier the second time around I don't see how vows are going to be anything more than a weak bit of symbolism.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

If you weren't already married, would you marry him, right now, the way things are?

If not, then no, you should not renew your vows.

The marriage is dead. If you do renew your vows, you are entering a new marriage (emotionally, not legally obv), which should not be until you are ready to 100% commit to him again, and trust him again, basically until you feel the same way as you did when you first got married.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I always told my ex-wife. The ring and the piece of paper mean nothing. I can wear a ring, have a piece of paper on file, say vows, send cards and buy gifts, but I could still be unfaithful. It is what is inside me and what my actions are when I'm with her and away that tell the tale. Words are like little promises to prove by action. If the little promises aren't there, why make the big ones? They just put more pressure on me to do what I know deep inside I cannot. 

I'm not trying to discourage you. I am just writing how I see it.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You answered your own question. He didn't respect the vows the first time. There is absolutely no reason to think he would the next time. 

This is the true horror of infidelity. I don't care what these people in reconciliation say-- you will always be wondering what he's really doing at the office. Even when the years go by and he earns your trust again. Even after you have found a way to compartmentalize to a point where it doesn't inhibit your ability to go about your daily life, that fear will always be there. 

Because the fact that they have the ability to cheat will always be there.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm thinking this really varies quite a bit. 

My BH wants to renew our vows after we move and I'm definitely looking forward to it. It will be just the two of us, at the beach on the bikes with a friend of ours who is also a pastor. 

I look at it as a recommitment to each other and our marriage. I don't think it's a necessity to have a successful R though. 

Renewing vows shouldn't be a pressured thing or mandatory thing. The feelings behind it should already be there - this is just an expression of what you're feeling.

At some point, IF the R is genuine and IF your spouse is truly remorseful and making the efforts to make you feel loved and secure, it's necessary to stop dredging back up in to the failures that have happened. When and how that occurs - I don't think it's a set formula.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I'm thinking this really varies quite a bit.
> 
> Renewing vows shouldn't be a pressured thing or mandatory thing. The feelings behind it should already be there - this is just an expression of what you're feeling.


I have to disagree that the vows are the expression of what I'm feeling. How I live is the expression of what I'm feeling.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

jupiter13 said:


> Recently the subject of renewing our marriage vows came up? Once I thought this was the only way to go to put the old marriage behind us but now I am feeling like why bother. If WH didn’t respect the vows when he was lying and cheating what makes me think he will respect them a second time around.
> 
> So I am asking the community what is your take on this?
> When is it the right time?
> ...


My wife and I separated for 7 months. My doing. 2 years later we renewed our vows. We were in Israel with our pastor and friends. I surprised her, sort of, and we renewed in the garden of Gethsemane. 
She views me leaving as a major betrayal. This did not fix the issue. But it's was necessary. 
My motivation for this was to show I was ALL IN, I know we made he vows originally but thigs go sideways sometimes and it's needs to be sorted out. I am not the same man who made the original vows. And she is not the same woman.

We are on the same page now for sure. And we may renew again someday.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't feel my husband had to renew his vows to me. Since I'm the one that cheated, the renewed vows had to come from me, not him. 

I get up every morning trying to be the best wife I can be. I'm trying to make my husband happy because he deserves to be happy. That's my daily vow.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

This is a tough one for me, my W asked me to renew our vows, but this was during the time she was cheating on me. I said no at the time as my gut told me she was doing this. As a result, although the vows mean a lot to me, obviously they don't mean jack to her. 

However, if I was in the situation where I truly believed she meant it and truly wanted to renew because it meant so much to her, and I felt that she recommitted to me, I probably would. But this takes a lot of proof and displaying of true love. In my opinion, that's a tall order after an affair. 

In regards to the ring, new ones definitely. My W had my old ring fixed, as I crushed it with pliers after a fight we had because I sensed she was cheating. Just last night she gave it to me all fixed and shiny, birthday present. I wore it for about 2 hours, then I took it off, told her Im not ready to wear it. To be honest, the ring really means nothing to me any more. Would she had gone and bought me a new one, I think I could have appreciated it a lot more as to me it would have had a more significant meaning.

Tough choice to make, but just be sure that a. this is what you want and b. he truly means it.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I certainly appreciate all the comments and advise. Thank you everyone you have brought new and different perspective into my thoughts. 

I am not going to renew vows at this time but reserve the right to change my mind at later date. He has agreed to get into IC but since he has dragged his feet for so long I feel it is meaningless. He has been TT and he dropped another piece pf information today. My own personal issues are becoming too much to carry along with all this other stuff something has to give. 

As I see it renewing vows would mean I forgave him and I am not ready to do that. He will never be the faithful husband I married no matter how any times we renew or get new rings. I just don't feel he is completely honest enough for me. Maybe after he gets IC, we will reevaluate in 3 months. Still waiting for all the facts he only volunteers stuff that he knows would hurt or try to make me feel good. Stroke with one hand stab with the other is what it feels like. 

Anyhow I got great response from the community and I rally liked the support.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

If my STBXH were to turn all lovey dovey and suggest renewal of vows, I will say yes ... But I get to choose the ring I want ... Will go for the blingest of bling ... Then, give the [email protected] the marching order again. Sell new ring and boost up my D lawyer' fund


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

The wedding vows meant nothing the first time. They will hold less value the next. I thought it would make my wife see her wrongs and stop. Boy was I stupid then.


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## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hello,We renewed our vows privately at a beach where it was private at sunset. I found some basic renewal vows on the internet, his dealt with renewal after infidelity. He used the words and added his own private commitment and apology to the vows. He felt sunset was most symbolic as the sun set on the old marriage and we recommitted to each other in our new life and marriage. I read vows of commitment to him that reflected my feelings. We added a single silver band to my original ring that simply says LOVE, I wear it below my wedding band. We did our vows one week before our "normal" anniversary date 6 mos after D Day. I still struggle with our first anniversary date as I feel it is a "farce" date as he threw our marriage away and the new date to me is a true new beginning that I prefer to recognize. For him the first anniversary is still significant as it is the day we got married. Since he was not betrayed the first marriage seems to hold more emotional significance than it does for me. He does not want to feel his actions of several months wipes out 15 years. For me the first 15 must not have been very important to lead to an affair. So we have very different feelings about the first anniversary, but we both have fond and important memories of our evening on the beach expressing our new commitment. We were both ready, I would not want to just go along with it if I were not equally committed to new vows. We all go at different speeds and find different paths where we can find healing. Warmest wishes to you as you travel this road.


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