# Porn getting in the way of sex



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Well - I finally found my way in. Yesterday, the husband had me use his phone to search for a phone number on google and when I did so - it showed his recent search results which just so happened to be his porn that he searches. I didn't bring it up when it happened because his friends were there and I didn't want to ruin the day because we have been having some reasonably good weeks. He went to church with me yesterday (introduced me to a catholic church that he grew up in) and we've been doing well with communication and what not. So I was going to leave it alone but last night, we were talking and God opened that door to bring it up. I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point? 

Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Well - I finally found my way in. Yesterday, the husband had me use his phone to search for a phone number on google and when I did so - it showed his recent search results which just so happened to be his porn that he searches. I didn't bring it up when it happened because his friends were there and I didn't want to ruin the day because we have been having some reasonably good weeks. He went to church with me yesterday (introduced me to a catholic church that he grew up in) and we've been doing well with communication and what not. So I was going to leave it alone but last night, we were talking and God opened that door to bring it up. I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?
> 
> Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.


every person is different BUT I don't think it is a question of choose porn over your wife, and he was more than likely told as a young catholic boy that he will go to hell for looking at it,


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your thread title says porn is getting in the way of sex but your post doesn't say it's doing that. Only that you found some porn in his search history.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Your thread title says porn is getting in the way of sex but your post doesn't say it's doing that. Only that you found some porn in his search history.


I never know what to title these things and somewhat had to cut the post short due to being at work - but he does choose porn over being with his wife. There was some that I did leave out due to my feelings being absolutely shattered to this one. If you look at a lot of my previous posts, you can understand why I chose the name that I did.

His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell because I always have to come chasing after him and he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed. His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up). I was outright honest - it would be nice if he would shower when he got home from work and just took me in to the bedroom. He always has complaints that we aren't spontaneous and it's always planned. Well stop being lazy. 

He did try to make things better last night, after we had the conversation. We were both tired at that point. I showered. He didn't. But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> every person is different BUT I don't think it is a question of choose porn over your wife, and he was more than likely told as a young catholic boy that he will go to hell for looking at it,


This is something that we are both learning. He has a teenage son and we try to be open and honest with him about it. It's somewhat helpful that he gets open and honest answers from both father and step mother. Father tells him that it's ok, as long as it doesn't become a habit and he does it in privacy. As he gets older, I tell him that it's ok but make sure that you don't let it get in the way of your wife as you get older and to be careful. It's not healthy to have a lustful heart. He is growing to be an adult and we don't want to shun him from it because we try to communicate. He gets convicted about things like his father does, so I let God handle most. He's a very smart kid. 

This catholic faith I am newly learning - I was raised Baptist so it's quite interesting.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If your husband really wanted to have sex with you then he would. Instead he finds “reasons” why he isn’t. That’s unlikely to change so you’ll have to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> If your husband really wanted to have sex with you then he would. Instead he finds “reasons” why he isn’t. That’s unlikely to change so you’ll have to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not.


Well, he woke me up this morning for sex so I don't necessarily think its that he doesn't entirely want to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Well, he woke me up this morning for sex so I don't necessarily think its that he doesn't entirely want to.


That very likely happened because of the talk yesterday. Maybe it will continue but his pattern in the past has been that it won’t. And if it continues the way it has always been then you have a decision to make.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I’m not understanding that he doesn’t take showers. He doesn’t shower every day? 

Also, not all men are like this. I do feel terrible for you. You don’t deserve this. A lot of men turn to porn because their wives don’t have sex with them. It is terrible to hear that your husband turns to porn when he has a willing partner.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I honestly dont understand why women put up with this. I would simply give him the option of the marriage or the porn. He says he loves you but he clearly loves the porn more or he wouldn't be watching it knowing that it hurts you.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I’m not understanding that he doesn’t take showers. He doesn’t shower every day?
> 
> Also, not all men are like this. I do feel terrible for you. You don’t deserve this. A lot of men turn to porn because their wives don’t have sex with them. It is terrible to hear that your husband turns to porn when he has a willing partner.


This was my life a lot. Although, actually my husband had access to all the sex he wanted, at whatever cost to me or our relationship. I was never enough, and the porn made him want things I wasn’t comfortable with. 

So I agree with Lat, this is not okay because of the way it makes you feel. 🤷🏼‍♀️ however; that doesn’t stop all men or women and there are plenty of posters here that will say pornography isn’t an issue. 

For some it is.

and lastly, for those who said you stated nothing about it affecting your sex life. It can simply affect you mentally and make YOU NOT want to be intimate with your husband vs the other way around. I did read however your update stating how it affects you, so..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.


Are you saying that he tried to make love you but you were about to burst into tears??

If my wife was crying or about to cry when I was trying to be intimate with her, I would see this as critical mass level crisis and would give her the option of us seeing a marital counselor/sex therapist or divorce attorney. 

If things are at this level of distress, then professional intervention is likely warranted.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> ..... I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. *We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?
> 
> Men - why do you choose porn over your wife *that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.





BecauseSheWeeps said:


> .....he does choose porn over being with his wife. There was some that I did leave out due to my feelings being absolutely shattered to this one. If you look at a lot of my previous posts, you can understand why I chose the name that I did.
> 
> *His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no.* I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then *he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell* because I always have to come chasing after him and *he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed.* His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up). I was outright honest - it would be nice if he would shower when he got home from work and just took me in to the bedroom. He always has complaints that we aren't spontaneous and it's always planned. Well stop being lazy.
> 
> He did try to make things better last night, after we had the conversation. We were both tired at that point. I showered. He didn't. But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.





BecauseSheWeeps said:


> This is something that we are both learning. *He has a teenage son and we try to be open and honest with him about it.* It's somewhat helpful that he gets open and honest answers from both father and step mother. Father tells him that it's ok, as long as it doesn't become a habit and he does it in privacy. As he gets older,* I tell him that it's ok but make sure that you don't let it get in the way of your wife as you get older and to be careful.* It's not healthy to have a lustful heart. He is growing to be an adult and we don't want to shun him from it because we try to communicate. He gets convicted about things like his father does, so I let God handle most. He's a very smart kid.
> 
> This catholic faith I am newly learning - I was raised Baptist so it's quite interesting.


A lot to cover. First, porn should not interfere with a healthy sex life among partners. However, very few people have matching libido's. That means that one will always need/desire more sex than the other. When that happens either the low libido partner needs to stretch themself, or some form of self-love needs to be brought into the relationship. 

I realize that some would say the high libido partner should exercise abstinence. In fact, prior to marriage, this is what my wife was taught by nuns in the Catholic convent schools she attended. Before we married she told me that after marriage everything was different and that anything that brought joy to the marriage bed and promoted a full, frequent, healthy sex life was OK.

At the point where the libidos don't match, the question becomes one of which is better for the relationship: a sex toy, porn, sexual fantasies? I would strongly argue that involving a third person to provide sexual release is not the answer. Some would say that abstinence is the answer for the high libido person. I don't think that is a good long term answer for a monogamous long term relationship.

Of the self-love choices, I would say that the use of a sex toy, either while one partner is holding the other or holding the toy would be best for the relationship (as it allows for post orgasmic bonding), if their spouse can't do more. However, that requires the low libido spouse to be pretty brave and willing to discuss difficult topics and the high libido partner to allow masturbation in front of their spouse because they have not shame in partner masturbation, again not common.

As to porn or sexual fantasies, that is a tough question. I think it depends on the fantasies and the porn. There is a lot of sexually abusive and degrading porn. There is also porn that portrays loving relationships. In advising your teenage son (step-son) make sure you tell him that what is depicted on some forms of degrading porn (choking, facials, BDSM, multiple partners, mouth-f-ing until she gags, extreme youth, etc.) are not how sex in loving relationships should occur and most sexual "techniques" he learns from porn are likely a mistake in bonding with a woman he cares about. The Sex Therapist who helped save my marriage gave us copies of Sinclair Institute Better Sex videos to watch, which were actually instructional on different sexual positions and concepts. We watched them and then later talked about them in our Sex Therapy sessions. You might suggest your step-son watch something like the Sinclair Institute videos or a video on how to give a sensual/sexual romantic massage. You might even suggest that to your husband at the same time, since it might be better porn for each of them.

As to masturbation fantasies, I would caution against fantasies about sex with a real woman friend (who the high libido partner knows), as that is pretty darn close to an emotional affair. Other solo self-love fantasies can also be degrading and create a dysfunctional relationship. Again, in Sex Therapy, I learned the value of visualization. Visualizing something in your mind can be a form of self-hypnosis that brainwashes or changes you future. So self-love fantasies can be either helpful or destructive to a long term relationship. In Sex Therapy, we were taught we to discuss and remember the absolutely best, most arousing sexual experiences our lives and try to replicate them every now and then with our partner. This would mean that our souse became our absolutely best sex partner. Fantasies about sex with your partner should not be a bad thing, unless it gets in the way of denying your partner the real sex they need.

Another set of valuable skills my wife and I were taught by our Sex Therapist was Sensate Focus exercises. They typically start as taking a break from sex and focusing first on giving or receiving sensual touch/massage. Later after you have learned to separate and enjoy the giving to your partner of pleasure in the form of sensual touch from the receiving of sensual touch, you move on to incorporate sexual touch and then orgasm and then sexual intercourse. This was one of the most valuable techniques for differences in libido. If the low libido partner can actually learn the joy of pleasuring their partner with their body either in a sensual and/or sexual way that can help with a libido mismatch. Sex can be about the joy of being touched by a loving partner, without an urgent need to reciprocate. It can be about taking turns over the course of a week, month, life time.

So from my stand point as the high libido partner to a low libido wife of 51+ years, porn does help at times. It is not that I am choosing porn over some form of sex with my wife. It is that my wife is not comfortable with holding me or helping me with solo sex and abstinence is something that is too difficult for me. At times she also does not have enough energy to devote to giving me a sensual massage. 

The mismatch between my libido and her libido almost caused us to divorce. We both really did not want to divorce. With the help of a nationally recognized Sex Therapist, we were able to negotiate a sexual frequency which was far less than I needed to be truly happy and stretched my wife to the limits of her libido. Sometimes because of illness, stress, time conflicts, my wife is not able to keep her promise in regards to a compromise we negotiated. When that happens, I am not choosing porn over my wife. If my wife were available/willing in any of a multitude of ways, I would choose her in a heart beat. 

Your husband's comments about your weight, about younger women, etc. are despicable. You have every right to be angry with him about that. However, the two of you staying angry over such things are not good for your marriage. Those are other issues you will need to work out.

I think you and your H should discuss things to figure out who has the higher libido. Once you understand each others libido, then the two of you can find out if he is choosing porn over you to satisfy his libido or if he is denying your libido to indulge his porn habit. From part of your post it sounds like his porn habit is getting in the way of your libido being satisfied. That is a mistake on his part and damaging to the marriage. That is something that the two of you should discuss and try to remedy. it will take courage and candor. If it is too difficult, I suggest a Sex Therapist help you.

In short, I think that self-love can have a role in matching two mismatched libidos in a healthy marriage and that self-love can include a degree of porn as long as it does not interfere with the sexual love that the other partner needs or imprint destructive images in one's mind. 

Perhaps you are the one that needs to work on self-love to satisfy your libido and invite your husband to be a part of your higher libido love life? Something to think and talk about, as well as getting him to drop those disrespectful comments.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LATERILUS79 said:


> *I’m not understanding that he doesn’t take showers. He doesn’t shower every day?*
> 
> Also, not all men are like this. I do feel terrible for you. You don’t deserve this. A lot of men turn to porn because their wives don’t have sex with them. It is terrible to hear that your husband turns to porn when he has a willing partner.


He might be of French heritage. Seriously, bathing frequency is often a cultural thing. It should be something a couple should be able to negotiate, but it takes courage to bring up the topic.

The following is a teaser from a 1998 study on bathing habits. The frequency and soap buying habits of different countries are amazing. French don't bath, but Brittish are smelly---most of story behind a paywall


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Porn makes me want sex - it's no substitute for sex. Watching porn makes me want my wife more. I watch old ones, young ones, fat ones, thin ones lol. Doesn't make me appreciate my wife any less or wish she was any different. She doesn't care that I watch porn.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I never know what to title these things and somewhat had to cut the post short due to being at work - but he does choose porn over being with his wife. There was some that I did leave out due to my feelings being absolutely shattered to this one. If you look at a lot of my previous posts, you can understand why I chose the name that I did.
> 
> His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell because I always have to come chasing after him and he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed. His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up). I was outright honest - it would be nice if he would shower when he got home from work and just took me in to the bedroom. He always has complaints that we aren't spontaneous and it's always planned. Well stop being lazy.
> 
> He did try to make things better last night, after we had the conversation. We were both tired at that point. I showered. He didn't. But we went to bed on good terms and he tried to be as loving as possible. He woke me up this morning but I just wanted to cry the whole time.


I completely understand how you feel. After finding out about my husband's porn habit, I felt the same way. Men don't seem to realize how devastating it is to a woman's self-esteem to find out their husband prefers to look at other women naked. And then if he prefers taking care of his own needs to being intimate with his wife, that's another blow. 

I posted on here earlier this year about the same thing. My husband spent most of our over 20-year marriage neglecting my needs, making me wait weeks (or longer) between sex. But when we had sex, it was always great. Once I learned about the porn, it made me reevaluate my previous determination that he must be low drive. Now I think he was just low drive with me, but high, or at least average, drive with his hand.

I had MANY conversations with him after finding out about the porn. I asked questions to understand his behavior and told him how it made me feel. I also gave him the choice of me or porn. He chose me. I can't be certain he isn't still indulging in this sickening habit, but his behavior with me has certainly changed. He is more affectionate and initiates sex more often, so we're much happier and closer.

However the feelings you've described haven't gone away. When I first found out, I also struggled not to cry during sex. Even if I wasn't on the verge of tears, I felt detached. It was just sex for me, instead of the love-making with my life partner that it used to be. Thankfully, over the months, that has changed and I'm back to being able to enjoy being intimate with my husband. But I still don't feel sexy. My husband told me he only saw me as being average in attractiveness (a 5 or a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10). And a lot of his browser history showed porn titles about big breasts. These two bits of knowledge, combined with the knowledge that he chose his hand and videos of other women over me, have left me permanently feeling undesired. No matter what compliment my husband says now, no matter how loving or turned on he acts, I know the truth.

I'm sorry you're in the same boat.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

It’s definitely unhealthy if it replaces the sex he is supposed to be having with his wife. As a man, he is to exercise and keep his testosterone levels up so that he feels the need to be “all over you,” which turns into a healthy sex life.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is about time for women to speak out on this , 
as for years the so called experts are telling us porn is good bla bla , 
it sounds at times like they are as expert as the one telling women they live 10 years longer and loose 10 kg weight if they give a bj 4 times a week , 

and it is good that women are here reclaiming their sex life as so many say women never want it and are only doing it if the husband is bringing in the money and cutting the grass ,


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> His response was basically that he chooses to look at porn because he's attracted to other women and it should be ok. I told him no. I don't look at other men, sexually, that it's not ok because I just want to be with my husband and because of this, he's not giving me a fighting chance. Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn.


In an earlier thread you wrote about his many addictions, to drugs, alcohol. So now he is addicted to porn. And justifying it anyway he can. He wants to use porn and will continue.

Sorry to say, but from your previous threads, you have a real mess. He has an addictive personality. How does that get fixed? A "recovered" hard drug addict, now alcoholic who watches porn all of the time instead of romancing his wife, and doesn't take showers. IMO you can do much better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is about time for women to speak out on this ,
> as for years the so called experts are telling us porn is good bla bla ,
> it sounds at times like they are as expert as the one telling women they live 10 years longer and loose 10 kg weight if they give a bj 4 times a week ,
> 
> and it is good that women are here reclaiming their sex life as so many say women never want it and are only doing it if the husband is bringing in the money and cutting the grass ,


Some of us have been speaking out about it for many years despite the majority of men claiming its fine/normal/beneficial.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Melinda82 said:


> Men don't seem to realize how devastating it is to a woman's self-esteem to find out their husband prefers to look at other women naked.


Women don't seem to realize how devastating it is to a man's self-esteem to find out their wife has no sexual desire for him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Women don't seem to realize how devastating it is to a man's self-esteem to find out their wife has no sexual desire for him.


Thats another subject and not relevant.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Thats another subject and not relevant.


Of course it is relevant. You're a moderator now?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Thats another subject and not relevant.


Yes it is. What are you talking about?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.


Like many men, I don't choose pornography over my wife. Given that you ought to appreciate that your husband does not represent all men, in the same way that you don't represent all women.



BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Then he stated that his shallow side wants me to lose weight. So he goes to porn. Then I told him that it makes me feel like total hell because I always have to come chasing after him and he never starts it and sometimes, I just want him to get on top of me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the one that's needed. His response - he hates his mouth and that's what stops him. He is embarrassed (and also lazy. He never really showers much - which is really probably why he goes to porn. He will shower on a Sunday night, we will have sex Sunday night, always finish it Monday morning and then he won't have sex for the entire week which ultimately ended up being his excuse for why he did it on Thursday instead of just waking me up).


Your husband is appalling, I'm sorry that you may not like hearing this. Yet as you describe him he really is pretty awful, and it's far more than his having woeful hygiene. That said, here you are whingeing to no end, instead of actually doing something positive like setting yourself free from being stuck with him.

One day I hope you find it within you, to finally choose to end your marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like your husband is depressed, OP. And I'm not one to toss that word out but the lack of showering, his apathy towards sex with you, and desire to turn to porn often (which sounds like an escape), sound like he's just not present. The lack of showering would concern me the most, honestly.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Some of us have been speaking out about it for many years despite the majority of men claiming its fine/normal/beneficial.


Are you sure it is a majority of men? None of my male friends, acquaintances, or relatives patronize the stuff. Teenage males maybe. 

Maybe someone has some scientific surveys to confirm or refute regarding thid


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Of course it is relevant. You're a moderator now?


Your answer was in reply to another poster saying quite rightly that men have no idea of the hurt their porn use causes. This thread is about the damage that her husband's porn use has caused not about a wife who refuses sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Are you sure it is a majority of men? None of my male friends, acquaintances, or relatives patronize the stuff. Teenage males maybe.
> 
> Maybe someone has some scientific surveys to confirm or refute regarding thid


It's the majority of men on TAM it seems. Thankfully I too know some decent men who don't watch it, including Mr D, but they are in the minority now I fear.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JBLH said:


> Yes it is. What are you talking about?


Its not relevant to this thread. This is a wife who wanted sex but who has been damaged by her husband's porn use. Thats one of the awful effects it has.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Are you saying that he tried to make love you but you were about to burst into tears??
> 
> If my wife was crying or about to cry when I was trying to be intimate with her, I would see this as critical mass level crisis and would give her the option of us seeing a marital counselor/sex therapist or divorce attorney.
> 
> If things are at this level of distress, then professional intervention is likely warranted.


Yes, he woke me up for sex. The lights were off, so he would have no way of knowing. He's been trying for the past 2 days to be more intimate, emotionally.


*Deidre* said:


> It sounds like your husband is depressed, OP. And I'm not one to toss that word out but the lack of showering, his apathy towards sex with you, and desire to turn to porn often (which sounds like an escape), sound like he's just not present. The lack of showering would concern me the most, honestly.


Thank you. This is why I am not turning to divorce. What kind of wife would I be, to just walk out on him. There's a lot going on and I would rather put forth all effort and fail before just leaving him because I'm not getting my way.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you. This is why I am not turning to divorce. What kind of wife would I be, to just walk out on him. There's a lot going on and I would rather put forth all effort and fail before just leaving him because I'm not getting my way.


Yea, I think it's up to you how you move forward, but just be careful that you don't become an enabler, and his crutch...and he doesn't take any action against getting some help for depression, if that's what it's about. That can happen a lot in relationships, people feel bad if they leave someone who is dealing with depression, etc...but the person who is depressed (if that is the case), isn't getting help. You can only do so much. He has to want to change, and become healthier for himself, and then that should make your marriage better. That's the hope, anyway.

I'd recommend counseling to him, and see what he says. Hoping things get better for you both.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> A lot to cover. First, porn should not interfere with a healthy sex life among partners. However, very few people have matching libido's. That means that one will always need/desire more sex than the other. When that happens either the low libido partner needs to stretch themself, or some form of self-love needs to be brought into the relationship.
> 
> I realize that some would say the high libido partner should exercise abstinence. In fact, prior to marriage, this is what my wife was taught by nuns in the Catholic convent schools she attended. Before we married she told me that after marriage everything was different and that anything that brought joy to the marriage bed and promoted a full, frequent, healthy sex life was OK.
> 
> ...


Thank you. For all of this. I think if he were to stop watching porn as much, we would have sex more frequently. I really think that a lot of it is because he gets too caught up in everything going on around him with his friends, his drinking, he stays up too late watching tv so he sleeps later than he should in the morning so then we don't have time and then he watches porn when he gets up. What it really boils down to, is that he just runs out of time and ends up pleasing himself. I think we will be ok, after all is said and done.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Melinda82 said:


> I completely understand how you feel. After finding out about my husband's porn habit, I felt the same way. Men don't seem to realize how devastating it is to a woman's self-esteem to find out their husband prefers to look at other women naked. And then if he prefers taking care of his own needs to being intimate with his wife, that's another blow.
> 
> I posted on here earlier this year about the same thing. My husband spent most of our over 20-year marriage neglecting my needs, making me wait weeks (or longer) between sex. But when we had sex, it was always great. Once I learned about the porn, it made me reevaluate my previous determination that he must be low drive. Now I think he was just low drive with me, but high, or at least average, drive with his hand.
> 
> ...


When we were having this discussion, Sunday night - even after he did tell me that the shallow part of him wants me to lose weight... he did say that when we do have sex, when he closes his eyes, he sees Claudia Schiffer and at first, yes, I took it as he just doesn't want to look at me and thinks about somebody else but he finished that statement with the fact that he sees the most beautiful person ever and that he doesn't watch porn because of my looks. He watches it because he's lazy and always has so much going on. Yesterday, he spent most of the afternoon flirting with me while he could (I bought pop rocks for his birthday and we were supposed to play with them on Sunday but I just. Was sad). We will get there. Thank you for the support and not telling me to leave him. I know that he loves me, we just have a lot to uncover.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

JBLH said:


> It’s definitely unhealthy if it replaces the sex he is supposed to be having with his wife. As a man, he is to exercise and keep his testosterone levels up so that he feels the need to be “all over you,” which turns into a healthy sex life.


I told him this on Sunday. That I'm afraid that he is desensitizing himself to his wife because of the porn.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is about time for women to speak out on this ,
> as for years the so called experts are telling us porn is good bla bla ,
> it sounds at times like they are as expert as the one telling women they live 10 years longer and loose 10 kg weight if they give a bj 4 times a week ,
> 
> and it is good that women are here reclaiming their sex life as so many say women never want it and are only doing it if the husband is bringing in the money and cutting the grass ,


He needs to cut the grass, now that I think about it


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> In an earlier thread you wrote about his many addictions, to drugs, alcohol. So now he is addicted to porn. And justifying it anyway he can. He wants to use porn and will continue.
> 
> Sorry to say, but from your previous threads, you have a real mess. He has an addictive personality. How does that get fixed? A "recovered" hard drug addict, now alcoholic who watches porn all of the time instead of romancing his wife, and doesn't take showers. IMO you can do much better.


I know


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, I think it's up to you how you move forward, but just be careful that you don't become an enabler, and his crutch...and he doesn't take any action against getting some help for depression, if that's what it's about. That can happen a lot in relationships, people feel bad if they leave someone who is dealing with depression, etc...but the person who is depressed (if that is the case), isn't getting help. You can only do so much. He has to want to change, and become healthier for himself, and then that should make your marriage better. That's the hope, anyway.
> 
> I'd recommend counseling to him, and see what he says. Hoping things get better for you both.


Thank you! One step at a time. He took me to church on Sunday and that was huge. He hasn't stepped foot in to a church since his father passed when he was a teenager.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you! One step at a time. He took me to church on Sunday and that was huge. He hasn't stepped foot in to a church since his father passed when he was a teenager.


Just remember he will only do what you let him get away with. If you enable him without any consequences, then what reason does he have to stop?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Just remember he will only do what you let him get away with. If you enable him without any consequences, then what reason does he have to stop?


I know. I'm trying to figure out how to get through to him before its time to tell him either choose me over all of the other fleshly desires or I'm out.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He needs to cut the grass, now that I think about it


going to be working hard tonight so


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Just remember he will only do what you let him get away with.


 agreed but it does sound like a teacher and a kid , even though he does seem to be a kid, 
there should be no need to tell him , and if there is not it would be better to find a better way to get him to give it up ,


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> agreed but it does sound like a teacher and a kid , even though he does seem to be a kid,
> there should be no need to tell him , and if there is not it would be better to find a better way to get him to give it up ,


I agree. I don't want to have to say either stop this or else. I want him to give it up on his own and I'm hoping and praying that he does. I think there's more to it than just him wanting other women. Or I'm in denial. He said that he wants me to help him to learn that there is more to sex than just having sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I know. I'm trying to figure out how to get through to him before its time to tell him either choose me over all of the other fleshly desires or I'm out.


I think he needs to know that you staying is dependent on his behavior and mean it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I agree. I don't want to have to say either stop this or else. I want him to give it up on his own and I'm hoping and praying that he does. I think there's more to it than just him wanting other women. Or I'm in denial. He said that he wants me to help him to learn that there is more to sex than just having sex.


A lady I used to know did eventually give her husband un ultimatum. He was a long term porn user and she just got totally sick of it. She said it's that or her and guess what, he stopped just like that. He knew she meant it. Yes it would be lovely if he stopped of his own volition, but clearly that isn't enough for him.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Think of it this way....Let's say this guy loves cheeseburgers and is starving...Do you think hes gonna leave the juicy cheeseburger on the table, and go to the corner store on foot for a 25 dollar stale bologna sandwich? For whatever reason he doesn't want the burger anymore, and has resorted to something else to satisfy his hunger....It isn't better, but its better than starving... You want to ban bologna sandwiches fine, but he still aint eating the burger...If you think you willl accomplish something by banning every chance he has to eat, so he's forced to eat what you are offering and what he isn't willingly taking, then you are engaging in a fools pursuit...

You have to ask yourself why he's choosing an image over a live body...Men lose interest in sex with women they've been with in their lives, millions of them....Women do this too...The only difference is for them its a little easier to give up on it and just live their lives...Porn isn't typically the impetus, but rather the temporary solution...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Think of it this way....Let's say this guy loves cheeseburgers and is starving...Do you think hes gonna leave the juicy cheeseburger on the table, and go to the corner store on foot for a 25 dollar stale bologna sandwich? For whatever reason he doesn't want the burger anymore, and has resorted to something else to satisfy his hunger....It isn't better, but its better than starving... You want to ban bologna sandwiches fine, but he still aint eating the burger...If you think you willl accomplish something by banning every chance he has to eat, so he's forced to eat what you are offering and what he isn't willingly taking, then you are engaging in a fools pursuit...
> 
> You have to ask yourself why he's choosing an image over a live body...Men lose interest in sex with women they've been with in their lives, millions of them....Women do this too...The only difference is for them its a little easier to give up on it and just live their lives...Porn isn't typically the impetus, but rather the temporary solution...


Is it more of a 'he wants what he can't have' kind of thing?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Is it more of a 'he wants what he can't have' kind of thing?


Doubt it.....People watch and enjoy pro sports all the time, they aren't doing it because they long to hit a 100mph fastball or throw an 80 yard TD pass...

He's satisfying a need that you(for whatever reason) aren't able to provide....And don't get down on yourself....It easily can be nothing you did or didn't do to cause it...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Doubt it.....People watch and enjoy pro sports all the time, they aren't doing it because they long to hit a 100mph fastball or throw an 80 yard TD pass...
> 
> He's satisfying a need that you(for whatever reason) aren't able to provide....And don't get down on yourself....It easily can be nothing you did or didn't do to cause it...


He says that its simply just out of pure selfishness. I married a selfish man and he admits it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If this were straight up chronic porn use, my response might be different...but the lack of showering puts your husband as I mentioned above, in a different bracket to me. He sounds apathetic about life, and that his dad died when he was a teen, maybe he never really healed. Grief isn't the same process for everyone. It doesn't always look like crying and sadness, it often looks like apathy for life.

If your husband was highly functioning, successful guy who is choosing to watch porn and ignore you OP, that would be different.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He says that its simply just out of pure selfishness. I married a selfish man and he admits it.


Practically No one would come out and admit that, if that was really the case...He probably is putting the blame on himself, because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's not looking after his hygiene to make you lose interest in him, and he can alleviate his own guilt for not wanting you..

.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> If this were straight up chronic porn use, my response might be different...but the lack of showering puts your husband as I mentioned above, in a different bracket to me. He sounds apathetic about life, and that his dad died when he was a teen, maybe he never really healed. Grief isn't the same process for everyone. It doesn't always look like crying and sadness, it often looks like apathy for life.
> 
> If your husband was highly functioning, successful guy who is choosing to watch porn and ignore you OP, that would be different.


I agree with you in this, wholeheartedly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm hoping and praying that he does. I think there's more to it than just him wanting other women.


I think it has nothing to do with wanting other women it is in my thinking like a lazy person that gets up in the morning and is hungry so he goes to the first thing he can stuff into his gob cake sweets or what ever is easy , 
porn is just titillation for him , I bet most of the time he does not end up with his first love , 
he is getting a kick out of it , but porn is like anyone that gets hooked on smoking he needs his fix , 
he can come off it if he makes the effort 
and most phones and pc have child safe so he could use that


BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Or I'm in denial.


you are not , just depends on how much he is hooked on this and you able talk to him and help him , 
I could say you could try upping your sex game but i think he is a bit like a kid that is left with an open sweet jar ,and mother baking a cake , he will fill himself in sweets , this case porn, before you would even get a chance , and don't think he can not rub one off once or twice a day and still be able for more later 


BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He said that he wants me to help him to learn that there is more to sex than just having sex.


this is all good but the biggest effort has to come from him


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He says that its simply just out of pure selfishness. I married a selfish man and he admits it.


Believe him and be thankful for his honesty. In my case, my ex never specified anything, he dropped it on me on DD when I confronted him on suspicious behavior. 

Mind you, I'm not saying he's cheating. You've laid out that he's an addictive personality, selfish, and doesn't find you attractive anymore. I agree with hamdryad's assessment that he's purposefully slacking on hygiene to avoid sex with you. 




hamadryad said:


> Practically No one would come out and admit that, if that was really the case...He probably is putting the blame on himself, because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's not looking after his hygiene to make you lose interest in him, and he can alleviate his own guilt for not wanting you..
> 
> .


I dealt with this too, because my exH was too cowardly to actually admit the truth. At least BecauseSheWeeps' H has the balls to admit what the thinks. It's up to her now, to do with that what she will. As far as he's concerned it's now her choice to stay and accept whatever he chooses to dole out.

@BecauseSheWeeps Never choose love over your dignity, crying during sex sounds absolutely miserable.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I think it has nothing to do with wanting other women it is in my thinking like a lazy person that gets up in the morning and is hungry so he goes to the first thing he can stuff into his gob cake sweets or what ever is easy ,
> porn is just titillation for him , I bet most of the time he does not end up with his first love ,
> he is getting a kick out of it , but porn is like anyone that gets hooked on smoking he needs his fix ,
> he can come off it if he makes the effort
> ...


I'm going to try to be patient with him. He said that he wants to do better. I think he will. Thank you for your support and advice!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Believe him and be thankful for his honesty. In my case, my ex never specified anything, he dropped it on me on DD when I confronted him on suspicious behavior.
> 
> Mind you, I'm not saying he's cheating. You've laid out that he's an addictive personality, selfish, and doesn't find you attractive anymore. I agree with hamdryad's assessment that he's purposefully slacking on hygiene to avoid sex with you.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree about him avoiding me. He's just lazy with his hygiene. He doesn't even brush his teeth.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I have to disagree about him avoiding me. He's just lazy with his hygiene. He doesn't even brush his teeth.


And you still want to kiss that? You're a more tolerant woman than me, good luck to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He says that its simply just out of pure selfishness. I married a selfish man and he admits it.


The if he wants to keep you he needs to start changing. I don't think he worries about you leaving which is why he makes little effort. Thats not really surprising because you have put up with his bad behaviour for a long time.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Imagine having a partner you need to shame into having sex, then tell them they should take a shower and brush their teeth? 

Mayve you can motivate him by offering to take him to Chuck E Cheese and Dairy Queen once he gets things going...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Imagine having a partner you need to shame into having sex, then tell them they should take a shower and brush their teeth?
> 
> Mayve you can motivate him by offering to take him to Chuck E Cheese and Dairy Queen once he gets things going...


What are you trying to accomplish out of this?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> What are you trying to accomplish out of this?


Point out the ridiculousness of your relationship dynamic and why you are heading into a rabbit hole..

You posted your issue, people give responses.....If its not what you want to hear, sorry, but that's how this works....

I respectfully bow out, and wish you well with your problem..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> What are you trying to accomplish out of this?


Don't take it personal. His world view is like that. Just click his name and view some of his other posts to other people.

If you don't think the world operates like he does just ignore him.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Don't take it personal. His world view is like that. Just click his name and view some of his other posts to other people.
> 
> If you don't think the world operates like he does just ignore him.




I'm living rent free in your head too, huh?? 🤣🤣🤣


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He says that its simply just out of pure selfishness. I married a selfish man and he admits it.


Some things in life are an acquired taste. The first time I drank coffee, the first time I drank scotch whiskey straight, the first time I had sex, were not all exceptional experiences. But they are now all things that I now enjoy a lot. You might sit down at some point with your H to see if sex with you can become for him an acquired taste? I sense that one of your frustrations is not feeling sexually desired by your H.

Again, affirmations, self-hypnosis, and visualization are powerful tools in changing your own behavior and in his changing his behavior and beliefs. 

Good luck, marriage counseling with a board certified sex therapist could really help.

In the mean time, you could try some Sensate Focus exercises with him Sensate Focus Exercises


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Some things in life are an acquired taste. The first time I drank coffee, the first time I drank scotch whiskey straight, the first time I had sex, were not all exceptional experiences. But they are now all things that I now enjoy a lot. You might sit down at some point with your H to see if sex with you can become for him an acquired taste? I sense that one of your frustrations is not feeling sexually desired by your H.
> 
> Again, affirmations, self-hypnosis, and visualization are powerful tools in changing your own behavior and in his changing his behavior and beliefs.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I will look in to this!!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I have to disagree about him avoiding me. He's just lazy with his hygiene. He doesn't even brush his teeth.


This guy should drop to his hands and knees to kiss your feet because of the fact that you even want to have sex with him.

Not even brushing his teeth? Bleh…

I mean if my wife told me she wasn’t attracted to me I think that would just about wrap things up. It’s so stupid it almost sounds like he’s trying to drive you away on purpose.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Well - I finally found my way in. Yesterday, the husband had me use his phone to search for a phone number on google and when I did so - it showed his recent search results which just so happened to be his porn that he searches. I didn't bring it up when it happened because his friends were there and I didn't want to ruin the day because we have been having some reasonably good weeks. He went to church with me yesterday (introduced me to a catholic church that he grew up in) and we've been doing well with communication and what not. So I was going to leave it alone but last night, we were talking and God opened that door to bring it up. I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?
> 
> Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.


My impression of your husband is that he is an unhealthy person especially where it comes to sex.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

I learn so much by reading on here about other people's husbands. I'm starting to think men who choose porn over their wives are a "type." I've read other posts that sound similar to your and my situations. 

My husband is also lazy about hygiene and grooming habits (except he does shower every day, thank God). 

He also has a bit of an addictive personality. He's never been into drugs or alcohol (to my knowledge). But he will play video games more than normal. I think the porn was an addiction, too, despite his protest that he didn't use it that much.

And for years he told me the reason he would go so long without sex with me was "just laziness." He said that he was too tired for sex. He never mentioned he was taking care of his needs in another way. I think it's easier and quicker for a lazy man to watch porn and take care of his own needs then to initiate with his wife and have actual sex. (Your husband called it selfishness, which is a more accurate name.)

Finally, I think at times my husband has shown symptoms of depression. During those times sex is more infrequent.

I'm starting to think the depressed, lazy, selfish husband with an addictive personality lets himself go physically and doesn't even try to attract his wife. I don't think he is deliberately trying to turn his wife off. He is just putting no effort into maintaining the relationship, at the least not the sexual side of it, and probably not the rest of it. But he still desires sex, so he looks at porn and finds it an easy way to take care of himself.

Finally, I DON'T think many husbands turn to porn because they're not attracted to their wives anymore. (Mine increased his porn use around the time I'd gotten my weight down to what it was when we first got together and was wearing sexier clothes.) I think husbands who look at porn become unsatisfied with their wives' appearance after spending so much time focusing on all of the other options out there. Or they may start to want a change from what they're used to. 

After finding out about my husband's porn use, I desperately wanted to find out what it was that these women had (besides obviously the big breasts) that I didn't. What was making him choose them over me? I asked repeatedly if he had a "type" he preferred (besides an E cup). I was willing to change anything about my looks, within reason--hair, make-up, clothes, etc. He repeatedly answered that he didn't know of anything he preferred or that I could change to be more attractive to him. Finally, he said, I could dye my hair another color--dark brown or light blonde! He didn't care which. Later, he added in red. So he may not have been looking at porn to see a "type" that he wasn't getting at home. He may have just wanted anybody who looked different than me! 

Porn desensitizes men to the attractiveness of their wives. They start wanting perfection--even though they themselves are nowhere near perfect--and variety--even though they are supposed to be committed to loving one woman for the rest of their lives.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Melinda82 said:


> I learn so much by reading on here about other people's husbands. I'm starting to think men who choose porn over their wives are a "type." I've read other posts that sound similar to your and my situations.
> 
> My husband is also lazy about hygiene and grooming habits (except he does shower every day, thank God).
> 
> ...


what a super post , 
You seem to hit all the points and seem to be expert from living with a man that is too into porn 
Some women try to look the type of porn their husband looks at and sees something very different to what the husband sees , and you can get 10 men and show them the same image of a woman , it does not matter if the image is of a nude woman or a fully dressed woman , the 10 men most will pick out different things from the image , some it can even be something that is in the background , 

I have learned a lot from helping my wife stay safe when doing photo model work , 
You get some men that ask for dressed sexy in the beginning, so after a few times of my wife dressing up a way for photo and get feed back the guy had some thing different in his head , and it was not until we started asking for them to send their idea in image of the different styles that you fully understand everyone has a different idea of what sexy is , 

then you have some that are into women in tights or stockings , 
or into just feet , and some call sexy nude and not just nude but very vulgar ,
as they say some can be turned on just by an ankle, 

so I would not be suprised when a woman puts on her privet eye cap and goes looking at her husbands porn to see what he looks for and end up thinking it was big e cups when most porn stars have big breasts 

then IN showing wifes photos ( she is more a legs model) you come across some men that admire her legs in tights if I showed you one of her photos you would think just a normal photo but others see just the tights on her legs , and when they want to talk more about I find they are married and some ask their wife to ware the same type and most don't , and I am not talking of anything that is out of the norm but there are men that still like the old style office ware you could call it , but many women are in jeans now all the time .


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Melinda82 said:


> I think husbands who look at porn become unsatisfied with their wives' appearance after spending so much time focusing on all of the other options out there. Or they may start to want a change from what they're used to.


I guess if you imagine all sorts of make believe stuff in your head, you may believe what you imagine.

Anyway since you have such insight into the minds of husbands. Can you let me know how many weeks, months or years will it take for me to become unsatisfied with my wife's appearance?

That asked, the reason why I'd like to know, is so I can know when I should stop looking at any pornography. Since so far at almost 26 years and 3 months into being with my wife, I haven't been unsatisfied. So it would be helpful to know what the cut off point for that to occur is?



Melinda82 said:


> I'm starting to think men who choose porn over their wives are a "type."


Maybe some are a "type"? Although it is most likely that men (like women also) who enjoy pornography, for the most part have a multitude of different personalities, proclivities and behaviours. While there's probably a bit of a difference on that score, with those who choose pornography, to the exclusion of their spouses. Versus those who enjoy pornography, yet don't choose it over their spouses.



Melinda82 said:


> Porn desensitizes men to the attractiveness of their wives. They start wanting perfection--even though they themselves are nowhere near perfect--and variety--even though they are supposed to be committed to loving one woman for the rest of their lives.


That's so weird, unless looking at pornography somehow damages eyesight (is that what they mean when they say you'll go blind?). Since as someone who enjoys looking at pornography, I certainly still find my wife to be splendidly attractive, since she is a woman who has won the genetic lottery when it comes to aesthetic appeal.



Melinda82 said:


> I think it's easier and quicker for a lazy man to watch porn and take care of his own needs then to initiate with his wife and have actual sex.


I've no doubt that for some that it is easier for some "lazy" men to masturbate while looking at pornography, although as fun as that may be, in my experience it hardly compares with the tremendous pleasure that can be had sharing sex with someone. Not forgetting so far sharing sex hasn't felt like a chore to me. Although if sex did start feel like it was a chore, I can understand someone choosing pornography versus choosing to do a chore.

That said a man or woman who enjoys looking at pornography, it is not certain at all that they won't want to share sex plentifully with their spouse.

For instance last week I shared sex with my wife on 8 or 9 occasions (I can't remember if it was 8 or 9). While this week so far it has been twice, with some standalone anallingus for me thrown in on Monday, plus some mutual kissing and masturbation fun earlier this evening in anticipation of most likely sharing sex again later this evening. My wife and I share a lot of sex together and have always done so throughout our time together. So pornography is obviously fine for some of us.

Not forgetting I am married to a wonderful woman who thinks pornography is fine, and also participates in making our own, While she also actively encourages me to look at, draw, paint and photograph other naked women, in print, on screen and in person as well.

One thing for sure, if someone finds themselves married to someone, who seldom if ever wants to share sex with them regardless of the reason. If sharing a healthy and active sexual relationship really matters to them, they would do well to dump that spouse. Since their spouse has evidently proven, that they aren't interested in sharing a loving sexual relationship with them.

At the end of the day though, we're not all the same, and that applies between women as well.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Melinda82 said:


> I learn so much by reading on here about other people's husbands. I'm starting to think men who choose porn over their wives are a "type." I've read other posts that sound similar to your and my situations.
> 
> My husband is also lazy about hygiene and grooming habits (except he does shower every day, thank God).
> 
> ...


He is still sticking to his 'it's out of pure laziness' comment. He did try to shower with me yesterday, which we haven't done together in months but the hot water wasn't working. I don't think its that he doesn't want me. He gets so caught up in everything else. Like you said, addictive personality. He found a game on his phone, to build bridges - and he was basically just gone all night. He becomes so detached to everything around him at times - especially if he has a hard day at work. Like yesterday. I told him that I am going to lose weight though because at some point - I should try to be what my husband wants. His statement was that if he wanted somebody else, he would go out and get it from somewhere else - my response was that he kind of is if he's getting himself off to porn. I think he now understands where I am coming from. It's not about anything but being lazy with him.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> what a super post ,
> You seem to hit all the points and seem to be expert from living with a man that is too into porn
> Some women try to look the type of porn their husband looks at and sees something very different to what the husband sees , and you can get 10 men and show them the same image of a woman , it does not matter if the image is of a nude woman or a fully dressed woman , the 10 men most will pick out different things from the image , some it can even be something that is in the background ,
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head. He's all over the place with what he likes.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I really don't think that the case is that my husband doesn't want me. There are times that he will come to me and tell me that he misses me. He stretches himself entirely too thin


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you have to ask yourself, why do you want to have sex with your husband who isn't taking care of himself, isn't brushing his teeth, showering, etc? I posted that he is possibly depressed, but it sounds like you look to him to give you worth. To validate you. Hey, we all want to be desired by our spouses, but his lack of desire for you, really has nothing to do with you. Just be careful that you don't lose yourself and what you want out of the relationship, only caring what _he_ wants.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> You hit the nail on the head. He's all over the place with what he likes.


and then full of guilt for looking after ,


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Melinda82 said:


> I learn so much by reading on here about other people's husbands. I'm starting to think men who choose porn over their wives are a "type." I've read other posts that sound similar to your and my situations.
> 
> My husband is also lazy about hygiene and grooming habits (except he does shower every day, thank God).
> 
> ...


I tend to agree with what you said about laziness. It's easy to get a cheap and easy thrill with porn but to try to arouse one's wife who is busy chasing kids and making appointments and dealing with aging parents and getting things taken care of between getting home from work and making it to the parent-teacher conference on time etc etc etc ...... it's just a whole quicker and easier to pull up some Double D Babes In Heat. 

I question the role of porn in "desensitizing men to their wife's beauty" however. Why is porn a culprit in that when every Hollywood movie and every TV show and even TV commercials all have some of the most beautiful women on the planet. 

My wife was watching one of those real estate shows on the House Porn Network last night and every agent in that office had to have been a Swedish bikini model before being recruited for that show. Every prime time TV sitcom has more beautiful women as the neighbor across the street or the secretary at the office than any porn ever made. Every local news channel has more beautiful women on the 6 oclock news than in porn. 

So while I agree that porn can appeal to man's laziness and lack of initiative. I think it's going too far to say that porn will make him find his wife unattractive.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> and then full of guilt for looking after ,


Yes. He lets the guilt kill him sometimes. He walked home in tears after our talk on Sunday. He always tells me that he hates hurting me and I deserve better. If I deserve better, then why not give it? One step at a time, right. Rome wasn't built in a day.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I tend to agree with what you said about laziness. It's easy to get a cheap and easy thrill with porn but to try to arouse one's wife who is busy chasing kids and making appointments and dealing with aging parents and getting things taken care of between getting home from work and making it to the parent-teacher conference on time etc etc etc ...... it's just a whole quicker and easier to pull up some Double D Babes In Heat.
> 
> I question the role of porn in "desensitizing men to their wife's beauty" however. Why is porn a culprit in that when every Hollywood movie and every TV show and even TV commercials all have some of the most beautiful women on the planet.
> 
> ...


Yes. It's easier for him to arouse himself watching porn. Yesterday, he told me that I need to just start playing with him and get him aroused and he would be more willing to have sex. I do sit around and wait for him. Because I'm the one that always initiates it anyways after he showers or he will tell me that he is clean and then I start pleasing him instantly. It's never that I'm not satisfied because I love satisfying my husband. I just wish that he would put more time and effort in to us, like he does everything else around us. And that's where the issue stems from. He wears himself so thin that there is no time for us.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes. It's easier for him to arouse himself watching porn. Yesterday, he told me that I need to just start playing with him and get him aroused and he would be more willing to have sex. I do sit around and wait for him. Because I'm the one that always initiates it anyways after he showers or he will tell me that he is clean and then I start pleasing him instantly. It's never that I'm not satisfied because I love satisfying my husband. I just wish that he would put more time and effort in to us, like he does everything else around us. And that's where the issue stems from. He wears himself so thin that there is no time for us.


OP,
I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you can figure this out and have a loving marriage with your husband where you are appreciated in return the way you love him. 


If push comes to shove and you have to leave, I promise you the vast majority of men on this planet would be overjoyed to have a wife that looks to please their man the way you describe. Your husband is right about one thing. You absolutely deserve better - and there is plenty of better out there that would make you feel appreciated.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes. It's easier for him to arouse himself watching porn. Yesterday, he told me that I need to just start playing with him and get him aroused and he would be more willing to have sex. I do sit around and wait for him. Because I'm the one that always initiates it anyways after he showers or he will tell me that he is clean and then I start pleasing him instantly. It's never that I'm not satisfied because I love satisfying my husband. I just wish that he would put more time and effort in to us, like he does everything else around us. And that's where the issue stems from. He wears himself so thin that there is no time for us.


It is laziness and lack of initiative in many ways. Porn is instantly at your finger tips 24/7. You don't need to be nice to it. You don't need to visit it's parents and siblings on weekends. You don't need to support it or bring home an income for it. You don't have to mow the lawn or repaint the patio deck for it. You don't need to rub it's feet at the end of a hard day. You don't have to remember it's birthday or anniversary. You don't need to tear it away and distract it from the kids or the dishes in the sink or the laundry sitting in the dyer in order to get it's attention. When you want some fun and excitement you don't have to listen to it's excuses about being tired or overworked or gassy or that it's back aches or that it hasn't shaved it's legs the last couple days. You don't have to make sure it has orgasmed and you don't have to cuddle it and hold it after wards. 

It's there at a moment's notice and all it wants from you is your attention and patronage for it's algorithms. 

It's like a guy watching Sunday Afternoon football, he gets the thrill and entertainment and distraction of watching the game,, but he does not have to get in shape, learn the skills, get suited up, or go out onto the field getting all battered and bruised by other men. It's all from the safety and comfort of his easy chair with a beer and bowl of chips in his lap. 

Real sex with real women, you have to work for. You have to keep yourself in reasonable shape, you have to be clean and well groomed and dress half way decently. You have to be nice to her and interact with her and connect with her on a close, interpersonal manner etc etc. 

And the thing that stumbles a lot of men is that in a long term relationship, a woman does not have the same level of baseline spontaneous desire that he does, so he actually has to lure her away from all her other tasks and activities that she is doing and seduce her and arouse her and stimulate her to where she is actually a willing participant and engaged sexual partner herself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

To me it sounds like you both want to have a close and intimate relationship and each are willing to do your share to make it happen. 

But you are both kind of on different wavelengths and not really tuned into each other enough to make it happen smoothly. 

This is where therapy can help. 

If he can learn more about female responsive desire and what he can do to stimulate it, and you learn more about a man's need to also feel desired and show that you are a sexual being that does want to have an intimate relationship with him, IMHO you two do stand a good chance of connecting in a healthy and mutually acceptable way.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> It is laziness and lack of initiative in many ways. Porn is instantly at your finger tips 24/7. You don't need to be nice to it. You don't need to visit it's parents and siblings on weekends. You don't need to support it or bring home an income for it. You don't have to mow the lawn or repaint the patio deck for it. You don't need to rub it's feet at the end of a hard day. You don't have to remember it's birthday or anniversary. You don't need to tear it away and distract it from the kids or the dishes in the sink or the laundry sitting in the dyer in order to get it's attention. When you want some fun and excitement you don't have to listen to it's excuses about being tired or overworked or gassy or that it's back aches or that it hasn't shaved it's legs the last couple days. You don't have to make sure it has orgasmed and you don't have to cuddle it and hold it after wards.
> 
> It's there at a moment's notice and all it wants from you is your attention and patronage for it's algorithms.
> 
> ...


And in this response - he is the woman. I have to figure out how to lure him away from all of this crap because I am ready and willing at all hours of the day because I love and want to please my husband and this, in turn, is what makes me hate myself.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> To me it sounds like you both want to have a close and intimate relationship and each are willing to do your share to make it happen.
> 
> But you are both kind of on different wavelengths and not really tuned into each other enough to make it happen smoothly.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this! We are starting with church and then we will go from there. I just need to learn patience. God didn't make me a doctor for a reason. I think I might ask him for 'play time' because he does enjoy when we just play with each other with no sex involved. Yesterday, he made the statement he doesn't enjoy taking forever and he takes forever because he worries about me. We will get there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you so much for this! We are starting with church and then we will go from there. I just need to learn patience. God didn't make me a doctor for a reason. I think I might ask him for 'play time' because he does enjoy when we just play with each other with no sex involved. Yesterday, he made the statement he doesn't enjoy taking forever and he takes forever because he worries about me. We will get there.


I would recommend an actual board certified secular therapist that has some real world research-based therapies rather than a faith based counselor that will just demonize him for looking at boobies and telling you to pray the problems away.

Grown men really don't respond well to being scolded like naughty little boys and being told to put their winkies away,,,, even if they are acting like naughty little boys. 

An actual western therapist that is able to provide actual objective data and research-based recommendations will have a higher likelihood of both of you following through on their recommendations.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I would recommend an actual board certified secular therapist that has some real world research-based therapies rather than a faith based counselor that will just demonize him for looking at boobies and telling you to pray the problems away.
> 
> Grown men really don't respond well to being scolded like naughty little boys and being told to put their winkies away,,,, even if they are acting like naughty little boys.
> 
> An actual western therapist that is able to provide actual objective data and research-based recommendations will have a higher likelihood of both of you following through on their recommendations.


He only wants a faith based therapist if we do see one. He said that he knows that they are gong to tell him that he's in the wrong, and they will tell him to stop drinking. He stated that he wants to start with confession first. He's holding on to some things that he shouldn't be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He only wants a faith based therapist if we do see one. He said that he knows that they are gong to tell him that he's in the wrong, and they will tell him to stop drinking. He stated that he wants to start with confession first. He's holding on to some things that he shouldn't be.


I'm not sure I trust his intentions here either. 

He may prefer to be scolded like a little boy and told to read Ephesians and say X number of Hail Marys rather than having to do any real work or face any of your real world issues. 

I think it's good for people to follow their beliefs and practice their faith. But when you have a cancer growing inside of you, you need western research-based medicine with real oncologists and real radiation and chemotherapy and just rely on scripture reading and prayer. 

You have a cancer growing on your marriage. It needs real treatment by real practitioners.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes. He lets the guilt kill him sometimes. He walked home in tears after our talk on Sunday. He always tells me that he hates hurting me and I deserve better. If I deserve better, then why not give it? One step at a time, right. Rome wasn't built in a day.


he needs to think of improving his life for him and not a question of you deserve better , that is second any improvement should be made for himself more long lasting and better rewarding


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He only wants a faith based therapist if we do see one. He said that he knows that they are gong to tell him that he's in the wrong, and they will tell him to stop drinking. He stated that he wants to start with confession first. He's holding on to some things that he shouldn't be.


he is mixing faith with therapee he could go to confession and where to any priest , therapist are a different thing and you get good ones and not good so he should not just try the first and if it does not work go to another and not just give up like most , and I think the best is couple , family depending on age of kids as well as single gets all on the same page


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> what a super post ,
> You seem to hit all the points and seem to be expert from living with a man that is too into porn


Thank you. I wish I wasn't an "expert."



frenchpaddy said:


> so I would not be suprised when a woman puts on her privet eye cap and goes looking at her husbands porn to see what he looks for and end up thinking it was big e cups when most porn stars have big breasts


Unfortunately, it wasn't just my thinking. The titles of most of the porn he chose to watch included the words "Big T1tties." I didn't actually watch the videos. The one video I did watch with him to see what he had been hiding from me, was a compilation of short videos, one after another, each of women with large breasts, shaking them. So there is no doubt my husband is aroused by very large breasts.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Personal said:


> I guess if you imagine all sorts of make believe stuff in your head, you may believe what you imagine.
> 
> Anyway since you have such insight into the minds of husbands. Can you let me know how many weeks, months or years will it take for me to become unsatisfied with my wife's appearance?
> 
> ...


I knew when I posted this that some men who enjoy porn would get defensive. I'm sorry if I offended you. What you choose to do in your marriage is your business. If your wife is okay with you watching porn, then great. No problem. 

I was talking about men who "choose porn OVER their wives." The OP and I have been rejected repeatedly by husbands who at least sometimes PREFER porn to sex with us. And we have been told that our looks don't measure up. I was trying to make sense of THAT KIND of man, not the kind of man who is highly attracted to his wife and keeps her satisfied, but also enjoys looking at porn in his spare time, or when she's not interested. 

Obviously porn is not going to affect all men (or women) the same, just as alcohol does not affect all people the same. Some people can drink, but rarely get drunk, while others become alcoholics.

You may not have your relationship damaged by porn because 1) You may not have an addictive personality like the OP's husband and mine have; 2) You may have a higher sex drive and/or energy level and can therefore indulge in both porn and actual sex whereas the OP's husband and mine may have lower sex drives and/or energy levels and if they're doing one, they have little left for the other; and 3) Your wife may be so attractive that the women in porn are all equal or lesser in looks, making it where no matter how much you watch, you still aren't disappointed with anything about her. Average--or even somewhat above average--looking women will not be able to compete with young, fit, well-endowed porn stars. So congratulations, you can have both porn and a good marriage. That doesn't mean porn doesn't damage other people's marriages.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He is still sticking to his 'it's out of pure laziness' comment. He did try to shower with me yesterday, which we haven't done together in months but the hot water wasn't working. I don't think its that he doesn't want me. He gets so caught up in everything else. Like you said, addictive personality. He found a game on his phone, to build bridges - and he was basically just gone all night. He becomes so detached to everything around him at times - especially if he has a hard day at work. Like yesterday. I told him that I am going to lose weight though because at some point - I should try to be what my husband wants. His statement was that if he wanted somebody else, he would go out and get it from somewhere else - my response was that he kind of is if he's getting himself off to porn. I think he now understands where I am coming from. It's not about anything but being lazy with him.


He sounds a lot like my husband--not a bad guy, not trying to hurt you, not turned off by you, and definitely not a lost cause. He just needs to change his behaviors and realize that his choices affect you. Continue to be open and honest about your feelings about him watching porn. I had several conversations with my husband about the questions I had and the hurt, betrayal, and loss of confidence I had after finding out. It helped him to see things from my perspective. I think as long as he was hiding it, he figured what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. (Not true. I think it reduced his sex drive and he felt guilty, causing him to distance himself from me emotionally.) But once I knew and he saw I was hurt, he wanted to change. Your husband sounds that way, too.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I tend to agree with what you said about laziness. It's easy to get a cheap and easy thrill with porn but to try to arouse one's wife who is busy chasing kids and making appointments and dealing with aging parents and getting things taken care of between getting home from work and making it to the parent-teacher conference on time etc etc etc ...... it's just a whole quicker and easier to pull up some Double D Babes In Heat.
> 
> I question the role of porn in "desensitizing men to their wife's beauty" however. Why is porn a culprit in that when every Hollywood movie and every TV show and even TV commercials all have some of the most beautiful women on the planet.
> 
> ...


I absolutely think porn desensitizes men to their wives' beauty. 

Are there other beautiful women in the media? Of course. But if you're not watching porn, they're wearing CLOTHES. And they're not having SEX. Women naked and having sex are going to excite a man more than watching the 6 o'clock news women (which, by the way, are all later middle-aged and overweight where I live). Porn is made to get the viewer aroused. Repeatedly getting aroused by a particular type (for example large breasts, or blondes, or very thin, or 20-year-olds) is going to make that physical trait associated with arousal for the viewer. Simple psychology. If the viewer's wife has those same traits, or if the viewer watches a big variety of types, then it might not cause any adverse affects. But if you spend a lot of time and energy focused on ANYTHING in life that you don't have, after a while you're going to get dissatisfied with what you do have.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, what are your husband's good qualities in your view? Because I'm struggling a bit to find any from what you are posting here and your other threads...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> OP, what are your husband's good qualities in your view? Because I'm struggling a bit to find any from what you are posting here and your other threads...


What I absolutely fell in love with when him and I first started dating - was his love for God and his faith. He will do absolutely anything for anybody that is in need. Whether it's a friend, or a stranger. He is very driven by being able to provide for others that need help. I urge him to join habitat for humanity, all the time. I think it would be very beneficial to him. He has a gentle, caring nature. He wears his heart on his sleeve and isn't afraid to cry in front of anybody whether it's crying out of hurt or pure joy. I see him trying. He wants to stop drinking. He talks about it all of the time. I just don't think he knows where to start and I think he's afraid to lose his friends but he absolutely will stop when he is ready. He says that he feels guilty about what he has put his son through already and what we are dealing with now. I see changes in his behavior. We went to church last Sunday (by his request it was catholic, and he really wants to go to confession). In some ways, he does have me spoiled. I very rarely cook dinner. He always cooks. He holds doors open for me, whether I want him to or not. I could be walking in front of him and he will race me to the door so that he can grab it first. He helps me bring the groceries in. He cuddles me all night every night. Those memes floating around on FB about how it isn't true that couples cuddle all night long is a joke. Because that's us. Every night. We turn together. If he wakes up and rolls over, I go with him. If I roll over to the opposite side, he comes with me. And we keep our legs locked together. When he's out with the guys, he will text me and tell me that he misses me or send me a selfie, signing I love you. He's always been like that. Very rarely do I not hear from him when he's with the guys. 

He's not a bad guy. Just caught up in his habits.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Melinda82 said:


> He sounds a lot like my husband--not a bad guy, not trying to hurt you, not turned off by you, and definitely not a lost cause. He just needs to change his behaviors and realize that his choices affect you. Continue to be open and honest about your feelings about him watching porn. I had several conversations with my husband about the questions I had and the hurt, betrayal, and loss of confidence I had after finding out. It helped him to see things from my perspective. I think as long as he was hiding it, he figured what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. (Not true. I think it reduced his sex drive and he felt guilty, causing him to distance himself from me emotionally.) But once I knew and he saw I was hurt, he wanted to change. Your husband sounds that way, too.


Thank you! He's trying. He really is. How did your husband respond when you would bring it up to him? Mine gets really sad because he doesn't like to hurt my feelings and I understand because I hate hurting his feelings so I waited to bring it up because he also doesn't like to have sex when we aren't getting along too well. He says that he doesn't want to associate sex with ill feelings.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Melinda82 said:


> I knew when I posted this that some men who enjoy porn would get defensive. I'm sorry if I offended you. What you choose to do in your marriage is your business. If your wife is okay with you watching porn, then great. No problem.
> 
> I was talking about men who "choose porn OVER their wives." The OP and I have been rejected repeatedly by husbands who at least sometimes PREFER porn to sex with us. And we have been told that our looks don't measure up. I was trying to make sense of THAT KIND of man, not the kind of man who is highly attracted to his wife and keeps her satisfied, but also enjoys looking at porn in his spare time, or when she's not interested.
> 
> ...


Agreed. I’ve always looked at it like alcohol. Some can handle it. Some can’t. 

Problem is, if a woman is coming to TAM, that means she is dealing with an “alcoholic”. This is very unfortunate and sad. I wish no man was this way when it came to porn, but obviously there will always be an exception to the rule. And yes, I believe it to be the exception, not the rule. 

The sample we have here is skewed. It makes it look like most men are out of control when it comes to porn. I don’t believe this to be the case. I think most men can handle it and realize it is just fantasy - and then there are those that fail miserably at realizing that what they are watching is not real. 

Truth be told, the vast majority of men will need some sort of visual stimulation to take care of themselves - usually in marriages where their wives would prefer not helping out in this category. As such, they turn to porn. I personally would have accepted the horrendously bad, anxiety inducing sex my exwife offered up over porn any day of the week. 

I am not offended at all by your comments especially considering the situation you come from. 

I just wanted to make note that this the exception. Not the rule.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Agreed. I’ve always looked at it like alcohol. Some can handle it. Some can’t.
> 
> Problem is, if a woman is coming to TAM, that means she is dealing with an “alcoholic”. This is very unfortunate and sad. I wish no man was this way when it came to porn, but obviously there will always be an exception to the rule. And yes, I believe it to be the exception, not the rule.
> 
> ...


Please give an example of the visual stimulation


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Please give an example of the visual stimulation


It is of my opinion that the vast majority of men will want to see the female form to masturbate. That can come in the way of a clothed female with tight fitting clothes in a very suggestive manner or a naked woman.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Point out the ridiculousness of your relationship dynamic and why you are heading into a rabbit hole..
> 
> You posted your issue, people give responses.....If its not what you want to hear, sorry, but that's how this works....
> 
> I respectfully bow out, and wish you well with your problem..


As a man, haven’t you realized yet to avoid any posts by women with the word “porn” in the title? It’s a no win situation, and always brings out the pitchforks of TAM 🤣


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> It is of my opinion that the vast majority of men will want to see the female form to masturbate. That can come in the way of a clothed female with tight fitting clothes in a very suggestive manner or a naked woman.


I did tell him that if that's simply all that he wants to do, to just tell me and I will gladly help him. I even bought pop rocks and toys. We will get there. He's opening up more. I really think that it just boils down to him being shy and unexperienced.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> As a man, haven’t you realized yet to avoid any posts by women with the word “porn” in the title? It’s a no win situation, and always brings out the pitchforks of TAM 🤣


Don't get him going again. I came in to here for advice on how to divert the husbands attention away from it. Not to hear how bad of a man he is. Because he really isn't. He is trying to make improvements and as am I.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I did tell him that if that's simply all that he wants to do, to just tell me and I will gladly help him. I even bought pop rocks and toys. We will get there. He's opening up more. I really think that it just boils down to him being shy and unexperienced.


woah woah woah.

I'm curious how pop rocks comes into this equation. Please explain. 


In all seriousness, I really hope you do find a way with your husband. The thing is though, I'm looking at your situation from an outsider's perspective. You have a man that is constantly feeling shame and is whining to his woman about his porn addiction and wants some religious therapist to help him out. He also can't be bothered to bathe or even brush his teeth. He has a woman at home that is ready and willing to have lots of sex with him - and somehow pop rocks is involved. I'm having difficulty understanding how that works, but damn, I'm so intrigued now. Oh, and you also mentioned toys are involved.

Becausesheweeps - If I were you, I would be running dangerously low on patience. I can assure you that there are MANY men out there that have no issues with bathing and brushing their teeth on a daily basis. In addition, they would be more than happy to meet your needs every single day. Your husband needs to kick it into high gear to keep you and he needs to do that NOW.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Don't get him going again. I came in to here for advice on how to divert the husbands attention away from it. Not to hear how bad of a man he is. Because he really isn't. He is trying to make improvements and as am I.


I don’t read these types of threads, and really didn’t read yours. However, you seem willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage. Good for the both of you! That’s a big first step. Good luck to you both.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t read these types of threads, and really didn’t read yours. However, you seem willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage. Good for the both of you! That’s a big first step. Good luck to you both.


Thank you. Yes. We are both trying and I think that's really what matters most.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> woah woah woah.
> 
> I'm curious how pop rocks comes into this equation. Please explain.
> 
> ...


His one complaint was that the sex is boring, and he needs variety and that's why he turns to porn. So I'm trying to liven it up a bit? My goal is not to correct you, but if I made it sound like he whines to me about watching porn then I mispoke. I found his porn search. He doesn't whine about it. That's what brought the whole thing up and of course, instead of just saying I'm sorry, let's learn how to fix it - he came up with 9million excuses. Which we discussed two days later when I was ready. We will get this figured out


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> His one complaint was that the sex is boring, and he needs variety and that's why he turns to porn. So I'm trying to liven it up a bit? My goal is not to correct you, but if I made it sound like he whines to me about watching porn then I mispoke. I found his porn search. He doesn't whine about it. That's what brought the whole thing up and of course, instead of just saying I'm sorry, let's learn how to fix it - he came up with 9million excuses. Which we discussed two days later when I was ready. We will get this figured out


Gotcha. 

It’s just that he sounds…. I don’t know. Sorta weak. Always feeling sad about the porn? Dude. Just own up to it. 

Also, his laziness is getting really bad here. 

Can’t be bothered to bathe or brush his teeth. 

Now the best he can do is tell you the sec is boring?!

That’s it?!

Come on. I can think of 1 million different things to do to liven up the bedroom. If he cared about that, instead of watching porn, he could have come to you and said “let’s try x,y,z!” Instead, he would rather complain (whining) and watching porn. He is counting on YOU to take care of everything instead of being the man, getting up off his ass, brush his damn teeth, and take charge. He wants more variety in the bedroom? Then he should be leading that charge. 

Looks like I’m gonna have to look up how pop rocks enters the sex equation. This is going to bother me until I know.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Gotcha.
> 
> It’s just that he sounds…. I don’t know. Sorta weak. Always feeling sad about the porn? Dude. Just own up to it.
> 
> ...


   pop rocks are great


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> pop rocks are great


Oh damn!!!

I should have realized that pop rocks would be used during blowjobs! 

Gonna have to add this to my notebook of things I want to do before I die.

Well, I mean, I'm not gonna be handing out any blowjobs myself. I'll be happy to receive a pop rocks blow job. Now I'm gonna have to search if women like this in reverse.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He's not a bad guy. Just caught up in his habits.


 You are a very patient woman.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I found his porn search.


What kind of porn is he watching?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What kind of porn is he watching?


He likes the squirters.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You are a very patient woman.


Yeah… this is what I’m seeing as well. 

And the older I get, the less patience I have for this kind of bull crap that her husband is pulling. He needs to make a hard 180 from the way he is treating her and he needs to get on it now.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He likes the squirters.


Don’t we all.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I have a comment to make, but I won't...


LATERILUS79 said:


> Yeah… this is what I’m seeing as well.
> 
> And the older I get, the less patience I have for this kind of bull crap that her husband is pulling. He needs to make a hard 180 from the way he is treating her and he needs to get on it now.


The husband is clearly fulfilling the OP's emotional needs, so that seems to be just about enough...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He likes the squirters.


Ok... I'm going to ask... what do you think of his comment about you losing weight? Don't you think that maybe that's the real reason why he is not attracted to you and uses porn instead of having sex with you? Don't take it the wrong way... just trying to understand, because it seems the elephant in the room to me, but it's being ignored. You don't just say stuff like that, unless it's just another excuse?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I have a comment to make, but I won't...
> 
> 
> The husband is clearly fulfilling the OP's emotional needs, so that seems to be just about enough...


Fair point. I wasn’t looking at the big picture. I think you are correct. Although she still has lots of patience considering he had a drug problem before and that would strong affect the emotional side of things. 

I am going to be biased towards the physical as that is my own personal #1 most critical thing in a relationship. 

Even still - his physical problems are quite large in comparison to the general population and I still think would dwarf whatever he can do emotionally for her even if he was the most perfect emotional man.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Ok... I'm going to ask... what do you think of his comment about you losing weight? Don't you think that maybe that's the real reason why he is not attracted to you and uses porn instead of having sex with you? Don't take it the wrong way... just trying to understand, because it seems the elephant in the room to me, but it's being ignored. You don't just say stuff like that, unless it's just another excuse?


Thank you for saying it. I’ve been wondering this myself.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I am the exact same size that I was when he married me - so if weight was an issue - why would he marry me? It's not the weight. He texted me earlier and said that he wanted to have a night. He's actually asking for it. He is trying. He said that he wanted to have a night yesterday but got caught up fixing the water heater and was too tired last night. I even offered to just give him release but he said no, that he was exhausted. So instead, I just rubbed his back with some lotion. I really think he just gets caught up in everything and we just run out of time.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> *Don't get him going again. I came in to here for advice on how to divert the husbands attention away from it. Not to hear how bad of a man he is. *Because he really isn't. He is trying to make improvements and as am I.


It's not realistic for you to come to a public marriage forum with a problem and expect to only hear responses that make you feel happy and good about your marriage and husband. And when you respond to posts that make you "feel bad" the way you did, then fewer people are going to want to help you at all. 

ALL the perspectives have merit, even if you don't agree with them. Listen to the ones that help you and ignore the rest.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> It's not realistic for you to come to a public marriage forum with a problem and expect to only hear responses that make you feel happy and good about your marriage and husband. And when you respond to posts that make you "feel bad" the way you did, then fewer people are going to want to help you at all.
> 
> ALL the perspectives have merit, even if you don't agree with them. Listen to the ones that help you and ignore the rest.


I learned a long time ago, that the advice you get that you least like to hear, usually winds up being the most spot on...

I wish the OP well, I really do...

I just can't wrap my head around the concept that if a woman could somehow "control" a man's thoughts, what he views or his masturbation habits, then he will automatically see that woman as the object of his desire...All along he had just about given up.....even when he knew that he could have her any time he wanted.......with bells on....and he didn't take it....

For all we know, (and in a lot of cases, this is exactly what happens), maybe he does "come around' after threats, intimidation, shame, etc..Is that the type of love and romance n a life partner that anyone really wants??? What did you gain, other than keeping someone from leaving?... Even in a lot of these cases, people don't leave, not because that's what they really wanted, but rather because the thought of divorce, lack of finances, or shame, was less desirable than some occasional hold their nose duty sex ??...How dreadful...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> It's not realistic for you to come to a public marriage forum with a problem and expect to only hear responses that make you feel happy and good about your marriage and husband. And when you respond to posts that make you "feel bad" the way you did, then fewer people are going to want to help you at all.
> 
> ALL the perspectives have merit, even if you don't agree with them. Listen to the ones that help you and ignore the rest.


I don't expect responses to only make me feel happy, but in the same aspect - I would never trash


hamadryad said:


> I learned a long time ago, that the advice you get that you least like to hear, usually winds up being the most spot on...
> 
> I wish the OP well, I really do...
> 
> ...


I don't tell him that he can't watch it. I don't shame him for it. None of that. I came here for advice on a better way to go about it because I don't want any of that to happen. I've been told many times to give him an ultimatum and I refuse to because that's not fair to either one of us. I'm simply just trying to learn how to go about things in a better fashion.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> I learned a long time ago, that the advice you get that you least like to hear, usually winds up being the most spot on...
> 
> I wish the OP well, I really do...
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I went through with my EX, and it just did not last at all. He put on the show for a few years when he could tell I was really hurt or really serious about not being happy, but he ALWAYS went back to BEING HIMSELF...which was preferring solitary sexual gratification. 

That was never permanently changed or solved, and it actually got worse the longer we tried to deal with it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> This is exactly what I went through with my EX, and it just did not last at all. He put on the show for a few years when he could tell I was really hurt or really serious about not being happy, but he ALWAYS went back to BEING HIMSELF...which was preferring solitary sexual gratification.
> 
> That was never permanently changed or solved, and it actually got worse the longer we tried to deal with it.


 Did you Did he say why he preferred that?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Did you Did he say why he preferred that?


No, his way of dealing with it was to pretend I was crazy, and then when he knew I had reached my limit (after days of lying and confusing me), he would say, "You are right, it's me, I'm just lazy/selfish/tired, I'll change/try harder/stop, etc etc...I love you so much, I love your body and you turn me on so much, I love sex with you, I never want to hurt you"...blah blah BLAH.

Even when I had proof of his porn use, he would lie and say that what I saw was wrong or a mistake or not as bad as it looked.

After years of dealing with it, he just got less and less concerned when I was unhappy and feeling rejected, and he got more and more resentful of having to do what he didn't actually want to do, just to make me happy. And he started to see me as demanding and annoying.

We had other problems, but when he finally took sex completely away, I gave him 3 months and then I ended our marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I am the exact same size that I was when he married me - so if weight was an issue - why would he marry me? It's not the weight.


Why would he say that, then. I think you are underplaying his mental issues, the drinking, drugs and all of that. I’m not suggesting you should leave him, but to open your eyes and realise there is a damaged man underneath his kindness. And take it from there. The porn is the least of your issues.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Fair point. I wasn’t looking at the big picture. I think you are correct. Although she still has lots of patience considering he had a drug problem before and that would strong affect the emotional side of things.
> 
> I am going to be biased towards the physical as that is my own personal #1 most critical thing in a relationship.
> 
> Even still - his physical problems are quite large in comparison to the general population and I still think would dwarf whatever he can do emotionally for her even if he was the most perfect emotional man.


My opinion is that the husband is a typical manipulator. He knows he can get away with anything. Because the OP allows it.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> My opinion is that the husband is a typical manipulator. He knows he can get away with anything. Because the OP allows it.


It certainly feels that way. Especially with the shame and apologies.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Well - I finally found my way in. Yesterday, the husband had me use his phone to search for a phone number on google and when I did so - it showed his recent search results which just so happened to be his porn that he searches. I didn't bring it up when it happened because his friends were there and I didn't want to ruin the day because we have been having some reasonably good weeks. He went to church with me yesterday (introduced me to a catholic church that he grew up in) and we've been doing well with communication and what not. So I was going to leave it alone but last night, we were talking and God opened that door to bring it up. I told him that his search showed up and he was like I don't understand because I don't leave tabs open so I showed him that all I had to do was click on the search bar and it automatically showed everything for the day. He was embarrassed and just got so sad. We talked about it. How can you love your wife so much but then still turn to porn? But this talk was much needed. I hate that his feelings were hurt. Maybe now he sees my point?
> 
> Men - why do you choose porn over your wife that you say is so loving and kind and caring and beautiful and she is 'your prized possession' and your arm candy and you're so proud to take her around all of your friends? Because this is what he tells me constantly.


Maybe he's got Ed and needs the sounds, addicted to it, or afraid to ask or initiate intimacy, or got out of practice in seducing, or you have rebuked his attempts. Read. Both you together relationship books by


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you! He's trying. He really is. How did your husband respond when you would bring it up to him? Mine gets really sad because he doesn't like to hurt my feelings and I understand because I hate hurting his feelings so I waited to bring it up because he also doesn't like to have sex when we aren't getting along too well. He says that he doesn't want to associate sex with ill feelings.


Whenever I brought up his porn use, he'd get really quiet. I think he was a little embarrassed. He didn't want to admit to liking ANYTHING about the videos that he obviously chose to watch. He wouldn't admit to any preferences in women or what kinds of activities turned him on, other than the shaking breasts. Besides asking if there was anything I could physically change about myself, I asked if there was anything he wanted me to do in bed that would spice things up, but he didn't have any suggestions. So a lot of our conversations were mainly me talking, telling him how his porn use made me feel unattractive to him. That would make him really sad. 

Your husband needs to understand how you feel completely. If he gets really sad, that's great! That shows he truly cares about your feelings. So if you explain them fully, he won't want to do it again, because he'll know how much it will hurt you.


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## ytrapp3 (5 mo ago)

In my personal opinion, porn worsens the male libido.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Melinda82 said:


> Whenever I brought up his porn use, he'd get really quiet. I think he was a little embarrassed. He didn't want to admit to liking ANYTHING about the videos that he obviously chose to watch. He wouldn't admit to any preferences in women or what kinds of activities turned him on, other than the shaking breasts. Besides asking if there was anything I could physically change about myself, I asked if there was anything he wanted me to do in bed that would spice things up, but he didn't have any suggestions. So a lot of our conversations were mainly me talking, telling him how his porn use made me feel unattractive to him. That would make him really sad.
> 
> Your husband needs to understand how you feel completely. If he gets really sad, that's great! That shows he truly cares about your feelings. So if you explain them fully, he won't want to do it again, because he'll know how much it will hurt you.


I may have missed it, but was your H's porn use reducing the sex between you two?


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> My opinion is that the husband is a typical manipulator. He knows he can get away with anything. Because the OP allows it.


I don't allow anything. I'm not his mother. He knows where my boundaries lay.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> It certainly feels that way. Especially with the shame and apologies.


I mean, maybe so but he hasn't watched any porn this week and is trying. Even with all of the crap that we've had to deal with.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

David60525 said:


> Maybe he's got Ed and needs the sounds, addicted to it, or afraid to ask or initiate intimacy, or got out of practice in seducing, or you have rebuked his attempts. Read. Both you together relationship books by


He does. Sometimes it takes forever and we get tired so then we save it until morning but I'm ok with that because I enjoy my time with him. I've never rebuked his attempts because he has never really attempted. At one point in time when I asked him why he never starts it, he says that he was taught to respect women and its not all about sex. I feel like I need to just rewire everything that his mother has ever taught him.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Melinda82 said:


> Whenever I brought up his porn use, he'd get really quiet. I think he was a little embarrassed. He didn't want to admit to liking ANYTHING about the videos that he obviously chose to watch. He wouldn't admit to any preferences in women or what kinds of activities turned him on, other than the shaking breasts. Besides asking if there was anything I could physically change about myself, I asked if there was anything he wanted me to do in bed that would spice things up, but he didn't have any suggestions. So a lot of our conversations were mainly me talking, telling him how his porn use made me feel unattractive to him. That would make him really sad.
> 
> Your husband needs to understand how you feel completely. If he gets really sad, that's great! That shows he truly cares about your feelings. So if you explain them fully, he won't want to do it again, because he'll know how much it will hurt you.


I told him on Sunday that it isn't fair - that the porn is taking away my chances of pleasing my husband. That it isn't always about me when we are intimate. He says that he was taught to always please the woman and then the man comes after that and sometimes he's just too tired for it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I don't allow anything. I'm not his mother. He knows where my boundaries lay.


That explains it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ytrapp3 said:


> In my personal opinion, porn worsens the male libido.


I agree with you. If the boys are empty, then why have sex at all?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He does. Sometimes it takes forever and we get tired so then we save it until morning but I'm ok with that because I enjoy my time with him. I've never rebuked his attempts because he has never really attempted. At one point in time when I asked him why he never starts it, he says that he was taught to respect women and its not all about sex. I feel like I need to just rewire everything that his mother has ever taught him.


That just blows my mind.

Yes respect women, a given. 

Then respect, wholeheartedly, that it's natural for a woman to want and enjoy sex ffs.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That just blows my mind.
> 
> Yes respect women, a given.
> 
> Then respect, wholeheartedly, that it's natural for a woman to want and enjoy sex ffs.


He really is trying. I don't think he's watched porn this week. It's a start. Everything else will fall in to place, I just need to learn to be patient


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He really is trying. I don't think he's watched porn this week. It's a start. Everything else will fall in to place, I just need to learn to be patient


Be patient until you've been patient enough.

Then try something different. You're doing great.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I`m a married man and on occasions I sometimes watch porn and my wife is OK with that as should be the OP.
I am not a porn addict, in-fact seen one, seen then all, but nothing wrong with an occasional viewing.
I also like a beer at times but that doesn`t make me an alcoholic.
None of this means I don`t love my wife.
The OP needs to chill out and relax somewhat.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I`m a married man and on occasions I sometimes watch porn and my wife is OK with that as should be the OP.
> I am not a porn addict, in-fact seen one, seen then all, but nothing wrong with an occasional viewing.
> I also like a beer at times but that doesn`t make me an alcoholic.
> None of this means I don`t love my wife.
> The OP needs to chill out and relax somewhat.


Good for you on occasionally having a beer and sometimes watching porn. That is not the case with my husband. My husband is an alcoholic and he knows this. He does not just have 1 or 2 or 4. He will easilly kill a case in a night. 4 hours, 12 beers. If I am wrong in this, then I will gladly step back and let him have his beer and his porn.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He does. Sometimes it takes forever and we get tired so then we save it until morning but I'm ok with that because I enjoy my time with him. I've never rebuked his attempts because he has never really attempted. At one point in time when I asked him why he never starts it, he says that he was taught to respect women and its not all about sex. I feel like I need to just rewire everything that his mother has ever taught him.


This sounds like an excuse. A deflection.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> This sounds like an excuse. A deflection.


Because in reality, he's just lazy?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Because in reality, he's just lazy?


Before you were talking about not being his mother and having your boundaries. I get this, but you are not enforcing your boundaries, so you are co-dependent in a way. That's why he is stuck in his behaviour and, basically, he does what he likes. Porn is just one hing. Then he has his alcohol.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Before you were talking about not being his mother and having your boundaries. I get this, but you are not enforcing your boundaries, so you are co-dependent in a way. That's why he is stuck in his behaviour and, basically, he does what he likes. Porn is just one hing. Then he has his alcohol.


I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.


I hope so...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I hope so...


Me too.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.


Does he really need to check into a detox center or just plan out different uses of his time, do it himself. That is a viable option. And will eliminate a stigma of requiring detox center because he can't do it himself.

Eta; some people use that detox center as a crutch then later blame relapse on the center.

Better to do himself, with an IC to support him.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Me too.


Has he promised and not maintained his promise before?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.


The detox center was for alchohol, right? I got to thinking hey, strange as it seems he might be thinking detox center for porn, which would be a mistake imho.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Because in reality, he's just lazy?


Look, all I can give is my opinion. 

You ever see Christmas movies where Santa Claus reaches into his magic bag and can keep pulling out toys even though it’s impossible that so many toys fit into that bag? Yet he keeps reaching in and more toys come out. 


That’s what I see when I look at low sex drive people. They have a Santa sack but instead of toys, it’s full of excuses. It is never ending. A low drive sex partner will think of anything and do anything to NOT have sex. Low drive people are the worst fuddy duddies on this planet. It is a wonder why they don’t find each other so that they can NOT have sex all day. It makes no sense why they waste the time of high drive people. 

I mean, you could call it laziness, but if low drive people would put in half the effort into having sex as what they do NOT having sex, the world would be a better place. 

I just think it is selfishness plain and simple.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Does he really need to check into a detox center or just plan out different uses of his time, do it himself. That is a viable option. And will eliminate a stigma of requiring detox center because he can't do it himself.
> 
> Eta; some people use that detox center as a crutch then later blame relapse on the center.
> 
> Better to do himself, with an IC to support him.


Yes. It's not safe to quit drinking cold turkey. Especially with the amount of alcohol that he drinks. Withdrawal from alcohol causes what they call delerium tremens. They aren't safe if they aren't monitored by a doctor. He tries. There are days of where he will try to get by on just a few beers and then the nights and next morning are horrible for him.


----------



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Has he promised and not maintained his promise before?


He has not. It was never this bad. He would drink maybe 4 or 5 a night. Now we are at 12. More on the weekends. He knows that he needs help. He just doesn't want to screw over his job. The world is short staffed and he's the field manager. Work will slow down as soon as it starts getting cold outside. He's working as much as he can so that we can bank as much as we can so that I can make sure that everything bill wise is covered while he's gone. His plan is to do a 2 week detox and then 90 day treatment center. He says he wants to quit smoking too. And see a therapist and get all of that crap figured out and out of the way. And then here comes the fear. What is the mother of his child going to think about this? I think that's his biggest fear.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Look, all I can give is my opinion.
> 
> You ever see Christmas movies where Santa Claus reaches into his magic bag and can keep pulling out toys even though it’s impossible that so many toys fit into that bag? Yet he keeps reaching in and more toys come out.
> 
> ...


If he has a low sex drive, then why watch porn 3 times a week? I mean, I really don't even know if it is that much - I've never really asked. 

For what its worth - we are doing good this week. He came to me twice so far instead of going to the porn. And that's after staying up all night because he's having a hard time getting to sleep.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes. It's not safe to quit drinking cold turkey. Especially with the amount of alcohol that he drinks. Withdrawal from alcohol causes what they call delerium tremens. They aren't safe if they aren't monitored by a doctor. He tries. There are days of where he will try to get by on just a few beers and then the nights and next morning are horrible for him.


Whichever is best for him, agreed.

Another option is do it under the care of his primary dr, and an IC, and it is still possible to do on his own. But only you know what's best here.

I can say I've seen men and women successfully quit without checking in to a center. 

Good luck either way!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Whichever is best for him, agreed.
> 
> Another option is do it under the care of his primary dr, and an IC, and it is still possible to do on his own. But only you know what's best here.
> 
> ...


He's going to schedule an appointment with a primary care doctor to get blood work and what not done because he thinks that something is wrong, other than the drinking. He's just waiting for work to slow down. Which should be at the end of the month. Right now they have him everywhere. Yesterday, he drove to a town that was 2 hours away, then they sent him 2 hours out even further to then have him go back to spot a because there was another issue.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he understood where I was coming from with the porn. He woke me up again this morning. He says that as soon as work slows down, he's going to check himself in to a detox clinic. So probably the end of October? He already discussed this with the owner of the company. He overcame his drug addiction, he can kick this too.


Now you`ve added drug addiction to the mix.
You need to insist that your husband gets his drink problem sorted and any other addictions he has.
If he cannot get himself sorted and making you into a long and suffering wife, then you have to decide your way forward, do I stay or endure this?
Only you can decide what action to take, which will be in your best interests.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Now you`ve added drug addiction to the mix.
> You need to insist that your husband gets his drink problem sorted and any other addictions he has.
> If he cannot get himself sorted and making you into a long and suffering wife, then you have to decide your way forward, do I stay or endure this?
> Only you can decide what action to take, which will be in your best interests.


Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.


I think the occasional nag about his addictions would be ok...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.


Once it reaches that point, its likely too late....IN MY OPNIION... It would be like talking someone when they aren't eating...And I totally agree that any nagging or threatening is NOT the right way

It may well boil down to you really wanted a Rottweiler and picked a Shih Tzu instead... So now you have to live with the cute little dog, but its never going to be the Rottie you wanted...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I think the occasional nag about his addictions would be ok...


Yesterday, he told me that I needed to start getting on him more about things. I told him that I'm not his mother


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Once it reaches that point, its likely too late....IN MY OPNIION... It would be like talking someone when they aren't eating...And I totally agree that any nagging or threatening is NOT the right way
> 
> It may well boil down to you really wanted a Rottweiler and picked a Shih Tzu instead... So now you have to live with the cute little dog, but its never going to be the Rottie you wanted...


Anything is possible


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

So alcohol addiction. Drug addiction. Porn addiction. 

You haven’t been with him for a long time, right? 

Why did you marry this person? This all sounds so awful. 

And now he needs a mother to make him do the things that make him better? FFS. This is beyond ridiculous. You have the patience of a saint. 

If for some reason I felt like staying with someone like this (and I don’t see why I would), I would tell him to leave. Get his sh1t together. Show me something in a year. In the meantime, I’ll get on with my life.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> So alcohol addiction. Drug addiction. Porn addiction.
> 
> You haven’t been with him for a long time, right?
> 
> ...


It wasn't like this when we got married. He didn't drink that much. The drinking got worse after he started hanging out with this new group of friends that he has. I swear, I'm married to a freaking highschooler. Whatever. It is what it is. He's going to piss me off enough to push me away. This is where I'm at today. Little to no hope. 

Last night he tells me that if we don't bring a baby in to the house soon, we aren't going to work. <--------Uh...... no.


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## JustAnj (7 mo ago)

I think more men need to ask women about how they feel towards porn use and if they are okay having that kind of open relationship. 

Being monogamous is about two people not outside sourcing. 

I'm sorry your going through this and I think your handling it great, I do suggest though that you explain to your step son with both of you on the same page that he should speak about his sexuality with people he is in relationships with especially before marriage to ensure both him and his partner respect each others choices, compromise, or decide to remove porn or other things outside the relationship going forward, and that he does not have to watch porn, your simply trying to educate him about it. 

My husband has had those issues and has progressed a lot, your way and approach should help him even more so. I had a lot of resent for my husband in the past then learned to be more mature in my reactions and approach. 

I hope things progress for both of you, he does need to find a way to go to therapy and possibly take medicine while going to therapy for trauma that may be contributing to him not dealing with his emotions in a healthy manner. 

The medicine is simply to help him think more clearly so he can work on himself and build healthy habits meanwhile or when he gets off he will just continue on old habits. 

I wish you all the very best. ❤


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It wasn't like this when we got married. He didn't drink that much. The drinking got worse after he started hanging out with this new group of friends that he has. I swear, I'm married to a freaking highschooler. Whatever. It is what it is. He's going to piss me off enough to push me away. This is where I'm at today. Little to no hope.
> 
> Last night he tells me that if we don't bring a baby in to the house soon, we aren't going to work. <--------Uh...... no.


This is ridiculous. You are married to a child (the way he is acting right now). 

I do not see a reason to stay married to him.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> This is ridiculous. You are married to a child (the way he is acting right now).
> 
> I do not see a reason to stay married to him.


You guys aren't wrong.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yesterday, he told me that I needed to start getting on him more about things. I told him that I'm not his mother


Maybe he needs a bit of encouragement… 😊I totally get it, because my wife was the same. But addicts are not “normal” people. Disclosure: I have been an addict (alcohol) for a couple of years in my life. I got over it, because I realised it wasn’t sustainable. I did not want to die. My wife didn’t do anything about it. She said it was up to me. You know? I really needed a kick in the butt and I never got it.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I may have missed it, but was your H's porn use reducing the sex between you two?


It must've been, because for years he's come to me for sex sporadically and rejected me often. Since me finding out about the porn and him promising to quit, he comes to me regularly and doesn't reject me anymore. Either the porn was hurting his sex drive and him quitting has increased his drive, or he's just putting a lot more effort into our relationship. He's also become more affectionate with me and seems happier. I think the guilt of hiding the porn from me was hard on him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Melinda82 said:


> It must've been, because for years he's come to me for sex sporadically and rejected me often. Since me finding out about the porn and him promising to quit, he comes to me regularly and doesn't reject me anymore. Either the porn was hurting his sex drive and him quitting has increased his drive, or he's just putting a lot more effort into our relationship. He's also become more affectionate with me and seems happier. I think the guilt of hiding the porn from me was hard on him.


The guilt and realization he was turning you down to often (at all is too often!) hopefully sunk in. Glad things are better.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The guilt and realization he was turning you down to often (at all is too often!) hopefully sunk in. Glad things are better.


I'm in agreement


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Thank you. The place where I'm asking for advice to the men is - how would you want your wife to come to you about this? I don't want to come across as being a nag. He shouldn't have to be forced to do it. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.


Come hard and straight up.

Nagging is what happens when you make repeated asks or demands.

I found what is successful is more like, “or else”.

“You need to drop everything and go to rehab, or else…” and then the person needs to believe you’ll execute on the consequences portion of the statement.

By the way, there is always a reason to keep drinking or using drugs. There’s always an excuse. The “oh I need to just get past this thing” and then there’s another thing that pops up right before you have the chance to quit.

The correct way to deal with a problem is check yourself into treatment.

So I would steel your resolve and figure out what your “or else“ looks like and when you want to drop it and do it just once.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It wasn't like this when we got married. He didn't drink that much. The drinking got worse after he started hanging out with this new group of friends that he has. I swear, I'm married to a freaking highschooler. Whatever. It is what it is. He's going to piss me off enough to push me away. This is where I'm at today. Little to no hope.
> 
> Last night he tells me that if we don't bring a baby in to the house soon, we aren't going to work. <--------Uh...... no.


I think the best thing for him would be if you just took care of yourself and that includes a life without him in it.

You should allow yourself to leave and find a grown man to mate with. It's guaranteed to be a lot more satisfying than trying to get it on with a juvenile Jabba The Hut.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I think the best thing for him would be if you just took care of yourself and that includes a life without him in it.
> 
> You should allow yourself to leave and find a grown man to mate with. It's guaranteed to be a lot more satisfying than trying to get it on with a juvenile Jabba The Hut.


That's a negatory. He is trying. It would be different if he weren't.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Come hard and straight up.
> 
> Nagging is what happens when you make repeated asks or demands.
> 
> ...


We talked about it last night. I told him flat out, that I want the drinking to stop if he can't do it in a healthy manor. He stated that he knows that its bad and he means it about going to detox after work slows down. I proceeded to tell him that it isn't fair to any of us to have to deal with it and then asked him what he wants of me. That I will cry and ball my eyes out on my knees and beg him until I'm finally fed up and just don't give a damn anymore. He made his promise.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> We talked about it last night. I told him flat out, that I want the drinking to stop if he can't do it in a healthy manor. He stated that he knows that its bad and he means it about going to detox after work slows down. I proceeded to tell him that it isn't fair to any of us to have to deal with it and then asked him what he wants of me. That I will cry and ball my eyes out on my knees and beg him until I'm finally fed up and just don't give a damn anymore. He made his promise.


Has he joined AA? If not why not?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Has he joined AA? If not why not?


Does AA really work? My father spent years in AA - finding new soldiers to get drunk with. He met his best friend there. It was mandatory for both him and my father to go to AA because they were both on probation. As a kid, I made a lot of money forging signatures on their sheets   

He wants to find something more faith based. We started attending church and right now, his convictions are kicking his butt. I need to sit back, be patient, and let God take over but it's just so hard to not be controlling and to be patient.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> That's a negatory. He is trying. It would be different if he weren't.


He isn't as far as your posts indicate.

You write him as petulant, belligerent and clueless.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Does AA really work? My father spent years in AA - finding new soldiers to get drunk with. He met his best friend there. It was mandatory for both him and my father to go to AA because they were both on probation. As a kid, I made a lot of money forging signatures on their sheets
> 
> He wants to find something more faith based. We started attending church and right now, his convictions are kicking his butt. I need to sit back, be patient, and let God take over but it's just so hard to not be controlling and to be patient.


Ok. You have more experience with AA than me. I had a coworker sober more than 20 years and counting who swore by it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Does AA really work? My father spent years in AA - finding new soldiers to get drunk with. He met his best friend there. It was mandatory for both him and my father to go to AA because they were both on probation. As a kid, I made a lot of money forging signatures on their sheets
> 
> He wants to find something more faith based. We started attending church and right now, his convictions are kicking his butt. I need to sit back, be patient, and let God take over but it's just so hard to not be controlling and to be patient.


THIS explains ALOT about your long-suffering acceptance of your husband's addictions and mistreatment of you. Have you ever been to AlAnon or in any individual counseling for yourself?

I also wonder what kind of boundaries you set up with your husband about a timeline for him to take action? You talked about crying and feeling bad until you give up, but what specifically does that mean to you, and did you TELL HIM what consequences there would be if he continued to violate your boundaries? It's NOT "controlling" to expect a partner who you love and is supposed to love you to not hurt you or take advantage of you, and to KEEP their promises.

And for the record, YES, AA absolutely DOES work very well for the people who are seriously committed to overcoming their addictions.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS explains ALOT about your long-suffering acceptance of your husband's addictions and mistreatment of you. Have you ever been to AlAnon or in any individual counseling for yourself?
> 
> I also wonder what kind of boundaries you set up with your husband about a timeline for him to take action? You talked about crying and feeling bad until you give up, but what specifically does that mean to you, and did you TELL HIM what consequences there would be if he continued to violate your boundaries? It's NOT "controlling" to expect a partner who you love and is supposed to love you to not hurt you or take advantage of you, and to KEEP their promises.
> 
> And for the record, YES, AA absolutely DOES work very well for the people who are seriously committed to overcoming their addictions.


The timeline is the first of the year. He doesn't want to screw Christmas up for the kid and he doesn't want to screw up our anniversary. He already spoke to his boss about this - that at the beginning of the year, he's going to need some time off. 

My husband knows what my boundaries are. No drugs hard drugs. At all. Whatsoever. EVER. I don't care if he drinks if he would just get a grip on it. There's no need to drink that much. Moderation is fine and that's what he has to learn how to do and he knows this. He's trying to be a better husband. He has stepped back from his friends a lot. He hasn't been going out to the bars with them as much. 

I don't have time for AlAnon. And I feel better when I keep my butt at the gym. I focus more on myself and less on him. I will get this figured out. I'm stronger than what I'm putting out there. He's getting me to that point.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Ok. You have more experience with AA than me. I had a coworker sober more than 20 years and counting who swore by it.


My husband wants it. He just wants to go to detox first.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

As long as there’s progress, there’s hope. I’m just concerned he’s pushing things off to buy time. Hopefully, he will continue to improve his choices.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> He isn't as far as your posts indicate.
> 
> You write him as petulant, belligerent and clueless.


He is trying. And I have said that in quite a few of my posts. He's not all bad. We just have our moments which I'm sure that every relationship has their moments. Mine just involve him drinking. If he didn't drink, would you look at it differently? He said to give him until the first of the year and I will do it. If he doesn't hold true to his word, then we will discuss it then. In the meantime tho, he knows that there is no reason to act the way that he has. I told him that I'm going to just leave him alone if he continues to watch porn and he said that he doesn't want that, at all, and that he's going to do better because he values me more than anything. Improvement doesn't happen over night.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes, he woke me up for sex. The lights were off, so he would have no way of knowing. He's been trying for the past 2 days to be more intimate, emotionally.
> 
> Thank you. This is why I am not turning to divorce. What kind of wife would I be, to just walk out on him. There's a lot going on and I would rather put forth all effort and fail before just leaving him because I'm not getting my way.


You can't fix his problems. This sounds codependent. 

He is not taking responsibility for himself. He has deserted you. Leaving him would be an acceptable response to his horrible behavior. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> You can't fix his problems. This sounds codependent.
> 
> He is not taking responsibility for himself. He has deserted you. Leaving him would be an acceptable response to his horrible behavior.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


This is something that I have to work on. I know this.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He is trying. And I have said that in quite a few of my posts. He's not all bad. We just have our moments which I'm sure that every relationship has their moments. Mine just involve him drinking. If he didn't drink, would you look at it differently? He said to give him until the first of the year and I will do it. If he doesn't hold true to his word, then we will discuss it then. In the meantime tho, he knows that there is no reason to act the way that he has. I told him that I'm going to just leave him alone if he continues to watch porn and he said that he doesn't want that, at all, and that he's going to do better because he* values me more than anything*. Improvement doesn't happen over night.


I dunno....

When I "value something more than anything" I would drop a bad habit like drinking in heartbeat....You aren't asking anything unreasonable...Heck, even if he didn't actually quit, but signed up for AA or did something proactive to show you that he's serious, that would be a plus, but just saying to "give me til the end of the year" sounds like hes just kicking the can down the road...

You are right, some improvements don't happen overnight, but what is he doing to show you that he means it?? Saying "give me some time" means nothing, really...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> I dunno....
> 
> When I "value something more than anything" I would drop a bad habit like drinking in heartbeat....You aren't asking anything unreasonable...Heck, even if he didn't actually quit, but signed up for AA or did something proactive to show you that he's serious, that would be a plus, but just saying to "give me til the end of the year" sounds like hes just kicking the can down the road...
> 
> You are right, some improvements don't happen overnight, but what is he doing to show you that he means it?? Saying "give me some time" means nothing, really...


You aren't wrong. That's why I told him last night - the extra isn't needed. That he didn't need to kill a whole 12 pack. I would settle with 3 or 4 a night and not ***** about it but to be drunk every single night. I also told him that I would like to get to know the sober man that God intends for him to be and I think that hit him. And then I told him that he's no worse than his friend that is an alcoholic and treats his wife and kids like they belong at the bottom of a dumpster. I know how to get through to him, it's just finding the right time to do so. And yesterday was the right time to do so. It also helps that he is seeing where his friends are failing in their relationship so it's starting to make him feel guilty with his. We've been doing a lot of talking and I am seeing improvements in areas. The first area - he hasn't been to a bar with the guys in probably a month. We will get there. I know this. Again, I do appreciate all of your advice, even if I snap back and say no.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

The sad thing is the amount of alcohol he has a night he can't just stop drinking. If he did it could kill him. Also to carry on drinking will definitely kill him in the end. A friend's mum died from alcoholism and she suffered, as every organ in her body started shutting down. It was a slow and painful death. Her body had swollen twice her size by the time she had passed. When her house was cleared after her death, hundreds of empty whisky, vodka, cider bottles were found. So so sad. Get your husband into detox now/asap and he will have a chance of a long life with you and his children. If he doesn't get that help sadly the alcohol will take him away from you all. That's the reality. He will need your support too and you will have to be strong. If he can get inpatient for the 1st few months that will help him through the worst. Wishing you both the best 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## BellaA (May 15, 2018)

The Tim Ferriss Show - #600: Jason Portnoy of PayPal, Palantir... (goloudnow.com) 

See link above- it's A VERY enlightening and considerate interview. I read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" after listening and highly recommend. Jason Portnoy also wrote a book: 
*Silicon Valley Porn Star: A Memoir of Redemption and Rediscovering the Self**  
I believe your husband should listen to this with you. You can't be his therapist but if he has some bravery in him, he will get help. This could be a **liaison for that.*


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> The sad thing is the amount of alcohol he has a night he can't just stop drinking. If he did it could kill him. Also to carry on drinking will definitely kill him in the end. A friend's mum died from alcoholism and she suffered, as every organ in her body started shutting down. It was a slow and painful death. Her body had swollen twice her size by the time she had passed. When her house was cleared after her death, hundreds of empty whisky, vodka, cider bottles were found. So so sad. Get your husband into detox now/asap and he will have a chance of a long life with you and his children. If he doesn't get that help sadly the alcohol will take him away from you all. That's the reality. He will need your support too and you will have to be strong. If he can get inpatient for the 1st few months that will help him through the worst. Wishing you both the best
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


I know. My father died from liver failure. Hence, me treading lightly on him quitting. I'm far too familiar with this. But - the convo that I had with him last night struck him. He has probably only had 5 or 6 drinks today through out the whole day. He is trying and that's what counts. Mornings are the hardest for him. Please pray for us!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

BellaA said:


> The Tim Ferriss Show - #600: Jason Portnoy of PayPal, Palantir... (goloudnow.com)
> 
> See link above- it's A VERY enlightening and considerate interview. I read the book "Women Who Love Too Much" after listening and highly recommend. Jason Portnoy also wrote a book:
> *Silicon Valley Porn Star: A Memoir of Redemption and Rediscovering the Self**
> I believe your husband should listen to this with you. You can't be his therapist but if he has some bravery in him, he will get help. This could be a **liaison for that.*


I will look in to this tomorrow. Thanks!!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Well, I went home yesterday and he was drinking a Mountain Dew when I got there. I only remember seeing him drink maybe 4 beers, total. He didn't stop for another 12 pack when he got home from work. He decided to finish what was left in the fridge which was I have no idea to be honest with you but he made mention of it last night while we were half way in to our movie. He asked me to count what was in the fridge. 4. There were 4 in the fridge. I did not say anything past that. He says good, that he had one earlier that morning, one when he got home from work and at this point, he was probably only on his third. He sat there and sipped on the drink that he had in his hand and made it known that he heard me loud and clear from Sunday. And then by the time that we were done watching the movie (it was a sad movie), he was balling his eyes out, talking about how much he missed his father (he was 11 when his father passed). Normally, he would get drunk to avoid his feelings. Instead, he just sat there and cried and then we went to bed. This is why I am still here. Because he works at fixing the issues with me. Than you, everybody. For the advice. Please, keep us in your prayers, send positive thoughts, everything good. I want him to be here for a long time, not a good time.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I know. My father died from liver failure. Hence, me treading lightly on him quitting. I'm far too familiar with this. But - the convo that I had with him last night struck him. He has probably only had 5 or 6 drinks today through out the whole day. He is trying and that's what counts. Mornings are the hardest for him. Please pray for us!


I really hope he can do this and he's lucky to have you for support. Baby steps is the safest way. Keeping everything crossed for you both.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I really hope he can do this and he's lucky to have you for support. Baby steps is the safest way. Keeping everything crossed for you both.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Well, I did it. I finally did it. After I felt backed in to a corner because of how cranky he was - I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't stop drinking, I was going to leave and that this was ********


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Well, I did it. I finally did it. After I felt backed in to a corner because of how cranky he was - I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't stop drinking, I was going to leave and that this was ******


He has lots of work to do. You have to think of yourself and not let him drag you down with him. That's great you stood up for yourself. Self care is important for you, so do things you enjoy. Only he can fix himself. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> He has lots of work to do. You have to think of yourself and not let him drag you down with him. That's great you stood up for yourself. Self care is important for you, so do things you enjoy. Only he can fix himself.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


It just makes me sad and breaks my heart


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It just makes me sad and breaks my heart


It will because you love him. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Loving someone with addiction issues is a hard road to walk and you are going to need support yourself so that you can support him whether you stay or go. If you don't want to go to alanon you could try a site called Love over addiction (not sure what the rules are for recommending sites🙄). It supports partners of people with addictions. You need to take good care of your own mental and emotional wellbeing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It just makes me sad and breaks my heart


Hopefully it breaks his heart as well. Otherwise, he won't quit.
He needs to want to quit. He needs to see what it's doing to his life and how much he wants a better life. Staying with him, while he drags you and the kids along, isn't going to help him in the long run. Boundaries are the only thing that might work.


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