# Limbo lady-stay or go?



## Verity39 (Jul 27, 2010)

Hi 

I'm new here and have been reading the forums.Any advice appreciated...

On the surface my life seems ideal. I have a marriage,older children, nice house, car, and career. I have a relationship issue. I've been in very unhappy, limbo like state, going round in circles for few years now, torn between deciding whether to leave my husband and find a happier relationship or stay and make the best of things in this marriage. I'm a very kind and gentle person normally and never nag or cause a fuss. I've waited till my kids are older before deciding to take the plunge and separate, move out to start over.

We're not socially compatible and we have no interests and friends in common any more. All my friends and family are professionals and middle class. My husband isnt, he's not very articulate or well spoken which is embarrassing but I don't draw any attention to it .But it makes me uncomfortable and I just inwardly cringe in silence in company and with my family. On the other hand he's very handsome and good tempered. We enjoy a good lifestyle.

I also feel we're not sexually compatible- he has a very low libido for no apparent reason and we only ever have sex every few months or so. I've found this relationship socially and sexually unsatisfactory for so long, I just want to move on. 

I just hate the idea of disappointing the family and putting myself before them. But I think I need to before it's too late.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

in a nutshell...try to fix whats broken...dont ditch a marriage because of a "lack of compatability" without working on it...


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## Verity39 (Jul 27, 2010)

I hear what you're saying, Voivod and thanks for the reply.

Fix things? 

His boss suggested some help with the speech - elecution or suchlike to help him speak clearer as work colleagues find him difficult to understand. He didnt go ahead with this as he thinks it's their fault they don't understand him. 

Our marital sex life I've tried working on ideas to help here. I'm just at the point of giving up . Yesterday we were watching a romantic film scene on TV and I remarked I hadn't been kissed in months. He went very red and said nothing. I'm not a sex maniac, just don't like living like a nun and not even being kissed or hugged. I also don't like being looked at in amusement and pity when my husband is speaking in company. 

I have no idea how to fix things, so I feel like giving up. It's not right for me. I'm a bright and atrtractive woman with my life ahead of me now my kids are grown.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

It seems you have made up your mind. I wish you the best with your new life!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Its hard to advocate ending a marriage when there is no abuse or gross neglect.

Sign both of you up for a cooking class, or ballroom dancing. Set up a wild week in Vegas. Try something different and see if you can kickstart it again before giving up.


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## Verity39 (Jul 27, 2010)

Nice777guy, Thanks for the idea- I have done this and we're going away for a break the two of us together in two weeks time. I feel like it's a final fling, a goodbye to this marriage rather than a way to mend things though. 

jeffreygropp, I appreciate the good wishes and wish I didn't feel this way. I feel sorry for the chaos ahead which will be all my doing, and the effect on the kids and family.


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## rosado09 (Oct 27, 2009)

I understand, completely, where you're coming from because I am/was there. Its hard for others outside the relationship to see or understand because most people think as long as there isnt infidelity or abuse then there's nothing to complain about.

Of course, everyone should make attempts at repair before giving up but sometimes it doesnt work. I read a great book by Mira Kirschenbaum called "Too Good to Leave and Too Bad to stay". She really has some salient points. I highly recommend it.

As for me, I think I have finally made a decision and its somewhat of a relief but no less scary. Change is hard but doesnt mean it shouldnt happen.

Best of luck in whatever you choose.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

Are you embarrassed about the way your husband talks because you are afraid of what people may think of the both of you? I don't understand, did he speak this way when you first decided to get married? As for his libido - how old are the both of you? Is he on any medication? Does he eat healthy at all? Does he exercise?

Try to think back when his libido started to decrease. Did anything happen during that time-frame at all which would be notable? Have you tried directly changing him or correcting him in any way? I ask this because you mentioned his linguistics. Since this is not the time to hold anything back, do you or have you felt or treated him as below you? Have you changed anything in that time frame at all such as the way you act? Was your sex life plain and somewhat monotonous?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Verity39, I think many of the "how can you give up?" advice posted are because there are others on this forum that have had weighter issues in marriages to deal with. I am not trying to minimize your situation but many on here have to deal with infidelity, finances and abuse. If you have had to deal with this issue this long it is most likely because you have NOT addressed it until now. you have quietly sat back and did nothing while chances are your H thought it was a great marriage (because you said nothing) when you knew what you were feeling and you sat on those feelings. 

Not one time (i do not believe) did I see that you were in counselling or seeking counseling. You could have done alot worse (many people on this forum have) and the grass is NOT always greener on the otherside.


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## eatpraylove (Aug 16, 2010)

I'm struggling with staying in my marriage too. I have been so unhappy for at least a year, and if I really think about it, probably more than that. My H and I are in our mid 40's. Met online and thought we had a lot in common, etc. (The normal way most relationships start) During the first year, things were good, except financial issues. I was patient while he looked for a job, since he moved to where I was living w/ my 2 kids who were well-behaved but normal teenagers. He has a daughter the same age as my daughter and she came to visit at Christmas after we were married and everyone got along well. 
However, instead of looking for a job, he was growing content with being a couch potato playing computer games. Not even helping with housework or running errands, though he had access to our car everyday. I mentioned this to him in a very nice way, not nagging (I don't nag) and helped him search (and find) a job that he liked....for a while. He cannot work when it rains and has called in sick a lot, so there were many times when his paycheck was very low and we have struggled to pay rent, bills, etc. 
Also, he ran up some credit cards buying cool hobby things (toys) instead of saving for emergencies, like he promised to do when he got them. 
We've had many discussions about his and my financial attitudes and I tell him that I don't like having to sort it all out alone, figuring out how to make ends meet, etc. He won't take any repsonsibility for keeping up with the money, so finally a few months ago, I told him that we were going to split the costs of everything down the middle and our paychecks (which aren't much different if he works regularly) would have to cover our own personal costs beyond spliting the household bills. I pay for my extras, he pays for his, etc.
I was hoping this would help him to become a little more responsible, but now he just says for me to sort it all out and tell him how much he has each week. 
The only other thing we have argued about is my kids, who have subsequently moved out because they don't care for his expectations. He's quite self-centered about his environment and complains if he's the least bit put out. I always felt like the bad guy, telling the kids they couldn't have friends over, etc.
I guess in the end, I feel more like I have another child instead of a husband. 
He doesn't like to go anywhere unless it's something he wants to do and has no use for my friends/family. I do EVERYTHING that needs to be done in the house and concerning the running of the household! I have told him this several times, that I want a partner, not someone who is totally dependent on me for making sure they're needs are met. 
Our sex life is pretty much non-existant. First, he wasn't too interested, but now, after much resentment and frustration, I'm not at all interested in sex either. 
Last year, I decided to finish my degree and started taking classes during the day on my lunch hour (I work at a University) and the more I "become" myself again, the more I want to be alone again. I was single for about 15 years before remarrying and I had always said: "I'd rather be alone than unhappy with someone" all those years when I was single, so here I am....unhappy with someone, wanting to be alone. 
I know this will kill him if I tell him I just can't continue on. I feel so guilty about letting him down, but I want to be happy in my life too. My therapist, who I've been seeing for about 4 months now, is helping me to decide what I want to do, so yes, I'm in counseling. I just don't know how to bring up this decision I've made to my H. I know he's aware that things aren't good,but as usual, I have to be the instigator and eventual "bad guy" when it comes to everything. He's like a little kid, afraid to face up to his mom. I'm so tired of having to be the adult in this relationship which has turned out not to be the partnership I expected when I married him.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I really sympathize and empathize with your being the parent and the lack of sex. I've been dealing with the same issues, though my wife is sweet, she's been the child these last few years, I'm not sure why. I'm tired of shaking her out of bed because she stayed up late, tired of the lack of physical intimacy, tired of trying to manage her health problems, tired of reminding her to pay her bills - we have separate checking accounts - tired of listening to her complain about her boss. I'm sure you can add to the list.

I have raised two grown kids and want to be with a passionate adult, I find the current situation intolerable.

I know there are people here who think you should continue to try, I don't - life is too short, you've spent a lot of time contemplating divorce/separation, and somehow you and I have to kick start ourselves.

We both dread telling our spouses our plans, I ask myself is it fair to be certain I want to leave while not telling my wife? It really isn't, I think we're both held back by fear. Fear of hurting a formerly loved spouse, fear of the unknowns, fear of the financial cost.


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