# Moving on...



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Some of you may be familiar with story. It's rather long but if you would like to read it, here's the link: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/17719-could-someone-explain-fog.html.

My question is, what do I need to do to "move on". I know I've taken a very unpopular stance by committing to love my wife "unconditionally". I'm not here to debate that because it is what it is.

My pastor told me yesterday that I need to "move on". I asked him what he meant and he couldn't really tell me what he meant. He did say he knew I wouldn't date since i'm still married and probably for a while even if the divorce happens.

Here's where I am: I went dark back in April after the last conversation with DS. I've had no contact with her other than at court hearings. During the spring/summer, i gave hitting lessons every evening after work. I've since found a 2nd job to help me financially for many reasons. I play dominoes/backgammon and just shoot the breeze with a few friends every Tues/Thurs. I go to bible study every Wednesday, church every Sunday. I've joined the praise and worship team at church which practices every Friday. I think I've seemed to move on in every area other than dating. What else do I need to do for people to feel that i've moved on. 

I haven't chased after my DS for a long time and have had no meaningful contact. No texts, emails, calls. I'm not trying to make her come back to me. I'm doing me...what else do I need to do?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> Some of you may be familiar with story. It's rather long but if you would like to read it, here's the link: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/17719-could-someone-explain-fog.html.
> 
> My question is, what do I need to do to "move on". I know I've taken a very unpopular stance by committing to love my wife "unconditionally". I'm not here to debate that because it is what it is.
> 
> ...


Acknowledge you will always love her but free yourself to move on with your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

So at what point to you determine that you have "moved on"? I guess it is when you are at peace with yourself, and your life, even when memories of the past still surface and they bring the emotional ride with them, you are still okay with yourself and doing what you want. I am sure you are aware that God wants you to be happy in this life. At the hands of your wife, that marriage was taken apart. I firmly believe that the emotional attachment to another is still considered infidelity, and is grounds for divorce where you will still be blessed in a new marriage to a loving woman. 

"What else do I need to do for people to feel that I've moved on?"

Never worry again, about what those people think in regards to where you are. You shouldnt have, nor should there be any expectation for you to "prove" to others that youve moved on.
People like to feel like they are helping others and offering sound advice and it builds their own sense of self, when they issue that kind of benign statement. It boosts their ego. 
As long as you are fine with where you are, and what you are doing, (and trust me I can use my own advice here) it should never be a part of your directive or motive to show, or prove, or assure others that you have "moved on"...

It appears that you have followed the 180, and are now in some sort of holding pattern; are you waiting for your wife to make up her mind? I can see where that might be construed as allowing someone else to determine your destiny. Perhaps taking ahold of the reins, and divorcing this woman and removing the control she has of the situation is what they mean. Youve subjected yourself to someone unfit to make a decision. I understand that you dont want to be the one to pull the trigger, but realize that God knows this too; I , in my own marriage, was not given the choice, and was served, after discovery of my wife's affair. I highly doubt that I would be held responsible for the actions of my wife, and held accountable for moving forward with a loving new-wife in order to pursue happiness as I am sure He intends.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I have to correct you on one thing. God doesn't want me "happy". God wants me to be blessed. One cannot be happy when external circumstances are unfavorable but one can lived a blessed life in spite of that. That's where I am. Everyday is a blessing in spite of all that's going on. And yes, she has been unfaithful emotional as well as physically and I do have the "out clause" that says its okay to divorce but that has never been my desire and it was not a command which means that I still have the option to want to stay married. Unfortunately that decision was made for me since she filed after the discovery and the insistence that she
stop. I can't control her and I'm fully aware of that. 

You make a good point about people's perception of me moving on. I actually think I've done pretty good. I couldn't say that some months back but now I can confidently. To me, moving on in the minds of most people means finding someone else. I'm still married, although we've been going through do order for a year now, so dating is still not an option for me. I don't even think it will be if/when divorce goes through. I just don't have any desire to replace my wife right now, and maybe even ever. Is my stance unpopular or even unrealistic to some? Probably but who cares what others think. This is my life (aren't those the same words of the wayward). 

I'm not responsible for the choices my wayward wife has made. I know that. No matter how hard she tries to.justify by blameshifting, she's 100% to blame. But I can't say that happiness is something I'm actually pursuing. I'm in search of peace, something that comes from an internal stimulus, and I really think I'm either there or will be there soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I haven't chased after my DS for a long time and have had no meaningful contact. No texts, emails, calls. I'm not trying to make her come back to me. I'm doing me...what else do I need to do?


You will only be "free" when you decide to cut the last ties to her - your marriage.

It sounds like you have "moved on" in every way except with your heart. Once you get a D, you should/will give yourself permission to date again. I don't think that God put us here on Earth to be alone (unless you choose to be).

This is YOUR life. If you want to date, do it. If you don't, then don't. Who cares what others think!

Sounds to me like you're doing just fine.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think you're already doing it (moving on) on this site, but maybe just don't realize it. 

Many of us, probably including you before, question ourselves regularly, asking if our life is touching others in a positive way. We hold ourself to a certain standard when it comes to our interactions with others. When you are down, and your spouse has hurt you, it feels like you are just spinning your wheels, only able to think about what is happening. Or, it might just be that most thoughts are just wishing it would go away.

To me, the true mark of 'moving on' is when my thoughts focus on the same postive things they did before a tragedy occurred. Is my life touching others positively? Do other people leave me feeling better about themselves? 

Part of moving on is getting plugged in to healthy activities. But I think the bigger part of it is being able to be the same supportive person in the lives of others that you were before. To not let the situation crush you, but be resilient instead. And if you get to a place where children and coworkers seek you out when they need to feel better, you've arrived at a place that few people find in moving on. It seems like your focus is already shifted to moving on, judging by your post.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Walt, I think your analysis is spot. I think my heart is the only area in which I haven't moved on. I don't know if it ever will. About marriage, God says you become one-flesh. I can never have another one-flesh mate. She can and always will be that. In every other area, I think I'm doing good.

Halien, your words were so encouraging. As I read it, I began to think back to things that have been said to me over the past year and to things I've done for others over the past year. A co-worker offered to give me free Kung Fu lessons because he said he couldnt have gotten through his divorce without me. Another co-worker asked me why I always come in to work singing something. A friend, who is aware of my situation, said she would normally never want see people back together but she wants my marriage to work because she's never met anyone who truly loved unconditionally. Another told me she would like to see us back together because she's never seen a couple "survive" infidelity. I gave a marrying co-worker my personal copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and told her it would be a great asset for her and her future husband. 

As I think back, I think God has really put me thru this to.be able to help others and reading your post helped me see that's what I've been doing. Wow! Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

The conversation that prompted this thread and the responses I've received have really had me thinking. Am I moving on? Im convinced that the resounding.answer to.that question is YES! Add to the info posted above and the fact that I'm now starting to do more things, I believe I'm doing great. 

Last might, I did something I hadn't done since December due to finances. I played in a pool league. It was only as a sub but I had a great time. AND I still got it. Won 3 of 4 games and I think I was the high man. Tonight, I'm going out to do some karaoke.

Yes, there is still the pressing matters of the divorce/custody and the fact that I still love my wife. But I guess I've realized love is not enough to prevent someone else from making horrible life choices. I was an love her while at the same time move on with life.

I do believe pastor implied I find someone to take away the thoughts and feelings for my wife. He later caught himself when he realized I was still married. He said she'll know when you have moved on, but I guess it really didn't matter what she does or doesn't know. We haven't had contact in what seems like ages and I plan on keeping it that way. Would I be open to reconciliation if she gives.up her adultery, expresses remorse and a desire to do he's y lifting in putting family back together? Yes, I would. But if those conditions are not met, I'm okay with simply loving her from a distance because those are the only conditions I would accept in order to allow her to be a part of my life again. As wife, lover, and friend. Its either all of them or none of them...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you still seeing your child?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Yes! Going to see her in a few minutes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I really don't know if/when I will date. Last night, I went out with some coworkers for some karaoke and had an absolute blast. Its not something I do alot (I'm a minister so going clubbing and to bars is not my thing). It was fun, though. 

Its been a year. I've survived. I've made it this long without a female companion. I've realized I don't NEED my wife. Yeah, I know she's out having "fun" and doing all kind of stuff that I can't control but I won't do that just because she is. Obviously, her adultery has a lot to do with our divorce so its not like it just started. 

But what I've learned is LIFE GOES ON!!! I WILL BE ALRIGHT!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Bravo Mark, well said...and I hope I am sounding like you in a year as well.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

hesnothappy said:


> Bravo Mark, well said...and I hope I am sounding like you in a year as well.


It has taken a long time to get here and it hasn't been easy. I know I will be alright. I just have to take it day by day. I just have to remember that God does have a plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope you'll stick around and help others get through your 'acceptance' a little easier than you had it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I will be here for a while, yet, because its not over. There are still things to get accomplished and settled. I'm sure when all is said and done, I will pop in from time to time. It has been a year and this place has been a part of me through it all.

It seems kinda odd to know that things are drawing to a close. I've vented, asked tons of questions, took many jabs from a few people (cough, cough, Tunera), but I've made it a long way. What would I have done without this place? 

I came here with a desire to break my wife free from the fog in hopes of saving my marriage. A year later, with my ww still thick in the fog, the tears are long gone. The feelings of heartbreak are a memory.

I was actually thinking this morning, "Do I really want my wife back?" I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be willing to attempt reconciliation if the fog would clear. But what I do know for sure is I don't NEED her to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Great and hopeful message mark. For me it's been a year too and I never thought I would get here. For everyone, just starting or still adjusting, it absolutely does get better. There is a process to go through and there are hard times, but you will come out the end!


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## h0pe (Oct 29, 2011)

^^ thank you, KIH.... Im just starting this process, and Im listening....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol

Mark, did I say anything that wasn't true? Or that would have helped you? I hope not.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Tunera, you have helped as have many others. It doesn't look like my marriage will be saved and.I may not.get custody of my daughter but I was willing to fight. At this point, the only fight that really continues is for my daughter. My marriage, what's left of it, is in Gods hands to do what he will. 

This experience has been a huge learning experience. It has taught me many things. The most important thing I've learned, though, is God is faithful. He's kept me. He's comforted me. He's given me strength when I thought I had none. He's provided for me. He convinced me that as long as I've got him, that's enough. Everything else is just temporary. God is and always will be there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> A co-worker offered to give me free Kung Fu lessons because he said he couldnt have gotten through his divorce without me.


I'm taking him up on this offer starting tonight. He's a Master instructor and I've always wanted to do something like this. I guess there's no better time then now.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Well, I found out that DS has filed for bankruptcy. Anyone have any experience with a BK during divorce? How will this, as well as the custody fight, impact the whole divorce process? I don't have my initial meeting with the GAL until 11/10 (ironically the anniversary of her filing divorce). 

I have sent these questions to my lawyer but I was just curious if anyone else gone through this while I await a response.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hm... filing BK to avoid distribution of marital assets. sounds highly contemptable to me...
I'd be interested in hear what your lawyer says..


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Well, I'm still waiting to hear back from lawyer in regards to her bk. 

On a different note, I'm continuing on my path of personal recovery. Last night, I started a Kung Fu class and it was awesome. I'm sore today but it's not anything I can't get through. 

I was thinking last night, I may be getting to the "point of no return". I don't know. Deep down, I know a future reconciliation with ww would be best for our daughter. It may even be good for my ww, but would it be good for me? I was reading the inspirational story of ing (for those who are familiar with him and his thread) and i wonder if i'm approaching that same territory, where his wife's affair ended and she comes running back but he was totally done.

I'm not so sure i'm there yet, but it seems as though it may not be far. Everyday, I seem to miss her less and less.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> Well, I found out that DS has filed for bankruptcy. Anyone have any experience with a BK during divorce? How will this, as well as the custody fight, impact the whole divorce process? I don't have my initial meeting with the GAL until 11/10 (ironically the anniversary of her filing divorce).
> 
> I have sent these questions to my lawyer but I was just curious if anyone else gone through this while I await a response.


Yes, you have to get advice from the lawyer about this, because of the divorce laws in your state. My friend is going thru D, and requests my help every step of the way, up to and including his visits with his lawyer. In my state, marital assets become frozen when one party files for divorce. That way one party can't start buying and charging and adding to the debt, nor can anyone file for bankruptcy to avoid responsibility for the marital debt. 


This is what your WW appears to be doing. Its sneaky and a way to *stick you with all the debt*. I doubt she consulted her lawyer before doing this.

Your WW is completely unrepentant and unremorseful, much the same way my ex wife was when she cheated and eventually left. She's doing anything and everything to screw you over.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> *I doubt she consulted her lawyer before doing this.*


She doesn't have a lawyer. She's just doing whatever she wants, whatever she thinks she can get away with. Unfortunately, there is no rationale to anything she's doing, but is there with any wayward?



lordmayhem said:


> Your WW is completely unrepentant and unremorseful, much the same way my ex wife was when she cheated and eventually left. She's doing anything and everything to screw you over.


I know but I do believe that God, who is ultimately in control and not my wife, will catch up to her in his own way and time. And no one will be able to help her when he does. I had been praying that I could be there to help her through what will come at some point, but now I question whether I really want to. Is that bad?

Don't get me wrong, I know I still have love for my wife, but will there be enough left to allow me to be a part of life ever again? IDK...


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