# I have done such bad things to a good man



## Feelhorribile (Jun 9, 2011)

Well here is my story. I am 41 years old, recently divorced (2 years ago) and even more recently started dating a very nice man - the love of my life really. He is the perfect fit for me and I desperately want him to be with me always. I have hurt him terribly and I just don't know if things will ever be the same again.

I was married 6 years to a man I didn't love. I have a son who is 15 years old and the father is not involved in his life. I wanted some stability and a family and I settled, marrying a man I never loved. He was abusive and a drunk...it was a train wreck. I had an EA during the early years of my marriage with an ex-boyfriend. That eventually ended and I met a man in the building I worked. He flirted with me a lot, listened to my troubles, and encouraged me to "do something about it". Basically, he wanted sex and wasn't shy about asking for it. I developed feelings for this guy even though I knew all he wanted was sex. We chatted over e-mail and text constantly throughout the day and much of it was x-rated. Eventually, when my then husband was out-of-town on work, I invited him over to the house and we had sex. It was good and I realized then what a mess my marriage was. Had he wanted more, I would have left my husband back then. We continued to flirt at work however I never did sleep with him again, because i didn't want to be hurt and to didn't like being used. 

I eventually divorced my husband and then became reacquainted with an old friend. We had dated maybe 10 years ago but it never really worked and now, the spark was re-ignited. He had never married and recently moved back to the city where I lived. We immediately had a connection. things became very serious for us quite quickly....we had a great connection. After 7 months of dating, I knew I he was the ONE for me. Unfortunately, I was still meeting the other man for coffee and lunch, sending erotic texts and yes, even pictures of myself half-naked. I was so stupid. And I lied to my soul mate saying there was nothing going on, he was only a friend. He trusted me and believed me. After nearly a year, he discovered some inappropriate pictures on my camera and some texts from the OM that basically told the story. The love of my life was crushed. He broke up with me and we haven't spoken now in almost 2 weeks.

I want him back. I cry every day..I wonder why I was so stupid? I had everything I ever dreamed of and threw it all away. I just want some advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My advice to you is to learn from what you did and not repeat it again, or less, you haven't learned jack.

You betrayed his trust. And the truth is (though no one ever wants to say it)--he will never see you as he did before. 

If he dumped you, respect his decision and move on w/ your life.

Get into counselling to find out why you cheat in nearly every relationship you're in.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My advice is find out why you are self destructive. Are you self destructive in other ways? Cutting? Eating disorder? Drugs? Why do you aim for toxic relationships you know will fail? Why do you ensure the healthy ones implode? What is it about you you are terrified of someone else seeing? Why is being emotionally vulnerable your biggest fear? Why do you wanted to be discarded by people?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I feel bad saying it, but you may have to let him go and move on alone. You were only together 7 months and now he knows he was being betrayed that entire time. There's no untainted memory to compete with the tainted. Many of us who have been betrayed can look back and remember a time when our DS was being honest and not deceitful. I have our 2 year courtship and first 5 years of marriage before my H messed up the first time. It was then another 10 years before his affair.

I would say focus on yourself right now. Make yourself a better and stronger person, so you can stop this destructive cycle. Perhaps in time, after you've spent time working on you, you'll meet someone else (or even the man you betrayed) and be able to have a healthy relationship. Right now your ex BF isn't going to want to reconcile with a woman who doesn't even know why she cheated. If you don't know why, then you can't offer reassurance it won't happen again.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness someday. Remember you don't need someone else to be happy, it should come from within.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> My advice is find out why you are self destructive. Are you self destructive in other ways? Cutting? Eating disorder? Drugs? Why do you aim for toxic relationships you know will fail? Why do you ensure the healthy ones implode? What is it about you you are terrified of someone else seeing? Why is being emotionally vulnerable your biggest fear? Why do you wanted to be discarded by people?


Good advice.

Something in you is 'broken', you need to find out what it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Right now your ex BF isn't going to want to reconcile with a woman who doesn't even know why she cheated. If you don't know why, then you can't offer reassurance it won't happen again.


This.




Runs like Dog said:


> My advice is find out why you are self destructive. Are you self destructive in other ways? Cutting? Eating disorder? Drugs? Why do you aim for toxic relationships you know will fail? Why do you ensure the healthy ones implode? What is it about you you are terrified of someone else seeing? Why is being emotionally vulnerable your biggest fear? Why do you wanted to be discarded by people?


Excellent post, Runs!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Something in you is 'broken', you need to find out what it is.


:iagree:

You seem to have a problem with loose boundaries and low self esteem. You say you married a man you never loved, and you demonized him as abusive and a drunk. Sounds like a cheater typically re-writing the marital history to me, so of course you cheated on him. Seems like you fall for any man that flirts with you despite being in a committed relationship. 

Even if your soul mate took you back, you will likely cheat on him again with the first guy who flirts with you. You need to seek counselling to fix whats broken within you.


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