# Confused on what to do



## quickdraw (Mar 31, 2012)

Hey all, I've been "creeping" on this site for months, but never dreamed I would be posting on the GTD portion until recently. Anyway, without ugly details, here's is the Reader's Digest version followed by my question.

Started dating at 17, married at 25, she told me she wanted out at the beginning of April after 17+ years married. 3 wonderful children (15, 13, 11). I was initially devastated, but I am dealing and trying to move on with the help of IC (as well as posts from TAM). We are currently living in the same household, treating each other with respect and dignity, but there is obviously no love felt from her any longer. I want nothing more than to reconcile, however being the realist that I am, I know that the likelihood of that happening is miniscule.

Now my question. Her birthday is this weekend. I plan to take the children to purchase something of their choice for her, however, do I give her something to show a continued effort at reconciliation, or will a simple card and HB from me suffice? If I do get her a gift, how personal should it be after 25 years together and less than 2 months apart?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You can't win, so don't waste your money buying a gift unless you'd look back and beat yourself up for it as you ultimately split up. Acknowledge the day, without looking like you're desperately trying to win her affection back with gifts..


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## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

More than 17 years married and the mother of your three children. Im assuming you want the best out of any situation and should that if it ended in divorce, to at least remain "friends" And we buy our friends gifts don't we?

Besides, Its a nice thing to do, a grown up thing to do and it teaches your kids how to remain mature and kind even when things dont go our way. Far from being a waste of money in my book, and you get to go to bed that night feeling good about yourself


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I will be faced with this soon too (recently separated after 17 years of marriage) and it will be her 40th. My plan is to get her a gift but spend no more than I would on a friend. I figure I need to show some maturity and show an example to my son but not go over the top with a gift like I would when she was my wife and lover.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with 2x. No gift.

She doesn't want you in her life so she's going to divorce you. If a friend had abandoned you too, would you buy them a gift?

also, research the 180 here. You need to prepare yourself to move on to what the futeure will bring for you next. Be strong, no pleading and follow the advice you'll find on TAM


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## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

If your SBXW has decided she no longer wants to work out your marriage sadly there is nothing you can do to change her mind. As for giving the gift, I'd recommend asking yourself why you'd like to give her one. Giving the gift in itself probably isn't bad, it's expecting an outcome from the giving that could pose a problem. As Gemwas said, it is a nice, adult thing to do and could show your children how to be respectful and not petty. 

Good luck with everything, I know it's difficult.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I would agree - no gift. Not out of spite. You could also give a gift from you and the kids. That way it may ease your guilt in not getting her anything directly, and show the kids you're still there for and with them.

Just a thought.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Well, here's a fresh example that just happened yesterday to me quickdraw.

It was my birthday yesterday, my stbxw dropped the kids off in the morning and the kids didn't even know it was my birthday. That sucked and when my 5 year old daughter found out she was upset that she didn't have a gift for me.

Stbxw didn't even wish me a happy birthday, I did not expect a gift but a simple happy birthday in front of the kids would have been nice. But, oh well.

In my honest opinion, gift a gift through the children and just wish her a happy birthday.


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