# Reconciliation - When do you know it begins?



## noas55

My signature has my separation link so brief back story.
I am 48, wife is 42. 24 years of marriage. Last son graduated last week of May. W planned on walking away 6/7/13. Household had issues. I asked if there was problem. She told me she wanted out. "I love you but not in love with you" speech. 
We spent last 7 weeks living together and talking. Finally got moved so she could begin healing, expecting 1 year location separation.

I feel we are R now or we are real close. What do you fine people think is the standard of saying R is in progress.
The only thing that keeps me from saying we are, is she still has doubts of trust and sometimes say it may take 2 years so she can fix herself. She admitted yesterday that she is working on herself now and is letting God work on her too. She loves my changes and we both agree that god has pulled off a miracle on our marriage.
Today she told me as she held our wedding hands together. "Look at this (both rings were together) This move does not change anything between us. "
We will be totally exclusive and see each other regularly, even sexually at times. Would you consider this separation close to R?


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## tracyishere

Sure. Reconciliation IMHOP doesn't mean that your marriage is fixed. It is a process of rebuilding your marriage. A process of rebuilding your trust, your love, your intimacy and connection to one another. In all truth I don't think this process should ever end. Since my H gave that same speech to me 10 months ago, we have been reconciling. And I love it. I love the new us. The little acts of kindness we now do for one another. The childish jokes and teenage romance. If anything, we are closer now than ever before. And I never want to stop building.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## noas55

Exactly how we are now. We are constantly cuddling, joking, almost like we were 25 years ago. I am so scared that now I am out of the way, she may "forget us", but she assures me that won't be the case. I guess it is fear of the unknown I am experiencing. I do know one thing, I don't like this feeling.


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## tracyishere

I know that feeling. It is the worst feeling I've ever had. My H did have plans to leave me for another women, in fact they even were looking at places together. My best advice is to truly decide for yourself if you can live a lifetime with someone who gave up on you. If the pain is too great to forgive, you can never reconcile. Because, you'll be stuck in the past and it'll consume you. You have to be able to forgive her. And by that I mean not holding it against her, not bringing it up in a fight, not staying angry and bitter. The pain however, may last for years. The trust may take decades to rebuild. But, if you have the strength, desire and devotion to keep her, be prepared to fight for her. 

You cannot change her, you cannot make her feel a certain way or behave a certain way. You cannot make her realize anything. But, what you can do is be the best husband, friend and partner ever. You can show her you love her, you can be the better person and not be spiteful. You must be prepared to give and give and give though with little or nothing in return. It's a draining, life consuming process. But, if you really want her, it should be worth it.
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## noas55

I have already forgave her and I am not worried that she will do it again. I do understand MY issues and am now rebuilding myself for me, her, and our kids. She is currently working on her issues. One was not being honest if something was wrong. She became a person who would hide her feelings to avoid confrontation. Now we are communication well.
She is concerned that if she allows me back and we get back to this stage again. She does not want that. I told her if it has to do with me, it won't happen due to my changes. She believes me but is still afraid. That is part of the location separation. To allow her to deal with her problems. We will see each other frequently, date, and do stuff together. We have clothes and personal belongings at both places.


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## tracyishere

I understand the time apart. I could've used it myself. But, i am glad I didn't because it forced us to fight. There were several issues that needed resolving in our marriage. And we both were the type to avoid confrontation in order to keep the peace. When he decided to stay it was a very awkward and emotionally draining time, but without those fights we wouldn't have resolved anything.
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## noas55

We had 2 or 3 small tiffs but no arguing. It was honest communication and lots of listening....stuff that never happened much before.

Last night was first night apart. Not too bad but I admit I was tipsy so I could sleep. It is irrational, but I start thinking she will cut off seeing me so much out of enjoyment and not miss me. She assured me this would not happen and after her gesture with our hands and rings yesterday, I do believe her. My fears can be overwhelming.


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## cdbaker

I've gotta say... 7 weeks is not a lot of time at all. I have seen a ton of guys in similar situations who maybe realize that they have major areas that they need to improve on, or maybe they do have major areas that need improvement, but only see a few of them, and 7 weeks just does not seem like remotely enough time to figure that out and do what needs done. In fact, I'm guessing it was only half of that maybe, given that she is already "letting you back in" now at week 7.

Honestly if I were talking to her, I would have advised that she let you hang out by yourself for a few months, not a few weeks, to make darn sure that you had time to realize what your issues are, and that you've had time to work through them and realize how important the marriage is (or isn't) to you. When a woman walks out, the man will often panic and look for the quickest route to getting her back. That usually means picking out issues with himself and quickly trying to prove real "change" but real change can't happen quickly. It can't be forced like that and be expected to stick. Then by trying to identify those quickly, the man will often focus on the first one or two and get stuck on those, again in an effort to show her change as soon as possible, when really there were probably a lot more issues than just those few that need addressed. By her opening up again so quickly, it takes away a lot of the pressure/motivation to explore beyond the surface level issues.

But it sounds like you are indeed in the R phase so it is a little too late now. My advice would be to NOT focus so hard on simply putting your best foot forward and to instead focus on continuing to explore yourself, your habits, your behaviors and everything that you may have contributed to the collapse of the relationship with. Otherwise, even if you HAVE changed yourself in the areas you have identified now, the unidentified problems will inevitably rear their head again once you and your wife are back together and back into a routine. Then she'll leave again and the odds of winning her back a second time with the "Look I can change!" routine will be substantially diminished.


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## tracyishere

Every couple resolves issues differently. Communicating with my H civilly was not possible during that point in our reconciliation. Things were too personal, too painful, too self centered. Neither of us felt that we contributed to the failure of our marriage. 

I haven't read your other thread, but i'm sure there must be some hard core issues that need to be ironed out. Having heart to hearts is great! But, be sure to tell your side of the story too. If you are the only one changing, you'll get tired of that fast. 

I had to bring up things sooo painful even though I knew it meant he could decide to leave and be with her instead. But, the alternative was to go back to the same old way things were before his EA which would most likely have me in the same situation another 10 months from now.


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## noas55

cdbaker said:


> I've gotta say... 7 weeks is not a lot of time at all. I have seen a ton of guys in similar situations who maybe realize that they have major areas that they need to improve on, or maybe they do have major areas that need improvement, but only see a few of them, and 7 weeks just does not seem like remotely enough time to figure that out and do what needs done. In fact, I'm guessing it was only half of that maybe, given that she is already "letting you back in" now at week 7.
> 
> Honestly if I were talking to her, I would have advised that she let you hang out by yourself for a few months, not a few weeks, to make darn sure that you had time to realize what your issues are, and that you've had time to work through them and realize how important the marriage is (or isn't) to you. When a woman walks out, the man will often panic and look for the quickest route to getting her back. That usually means picking out issues with himself and quickly trying to prove real "change" but real change can't happen quickly. It can't be forced like that and be expected to stick. Then by trying to identify those quickly, the man will often focus on the first one or two and get stuck on those, again in an effort to show her change as soon as possible, when really there were probably a lot more issues than just those few that need addressed. By her opening up again so quickly, it takes away a lot of the pressure/motivation to explore beyond the surface level issues.
> 
> But it sounds like you are indeed in the R phase so it is a little too late now. My advice would be to NOT focus so hard on simply putting your best foot forward and to instead focus on continuing to explore yourself, your habits, your behaviors and everything that you may have contributed to the collapse of the relationship with. Otherwise, even if you HAVE changed yourself in the areas you have identified now, the unidentified problems will inevitably rear their head again once you and your wife are back together and back into a routine. Then she'll leave again and the odds of winning her back a second time with the "Look I can change!" routine will be substantially diminished.


Fully 100% agree with you. I am constantly in prayer and reading self-help books to help me understand where my failures were. I know I am not fixed and she knows it too. 
The 7 weks together allowed enough communication for us to figure out the problem areas. I have corrected/making changes to the major ones. Those are changes she likes. We do not want to go down this road again. That is here biggest fear and what what could make it a long possible 2 year location separation. The trust will come and she will fall back IN LOVE again She feels them but is afraid to say the words or allow herself to accept the feelings right now. 
I told her I would seek counseling for the rest of my life to guarantee I would not regress if that is what it took. I do not want to be like the man I turned into...for me , her , and our family


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## noas55

tracyishere said:


> Every couple resolves issues differently. Communicating with my H civilly was not possible during that point in our reconciliation. Things were too personal, too painful, too self centered. Neither of us felt that we contributed to the failure of our marriage.
> 
> I haven't read your other thread, but i'm sure there must be some hard core issues that need to be ironed out. Having heart to hearts is great! But, be sure to tell your side of the story too. If you are the only one changing, you'll get tired of that fast.
> 
> I had to bring up things sooo painful even though I knew it meant he could decide to leave and be with her instead. But, the alternative was to go back to the same old way things were before his EA which would most likely have me in the same situation another 10 months from now.


My W problem was not telling me what really bugged her. She kept it locked up so there would be no fights and developed deep resentment for me. This was her problem and has admitted it. She is now working on her issues. She also felt bad because she would go to friends and relax. I am more of a home body husband. I love doing stuff at home, watching movies, and reading. This made her feel bad, thinking I was not having fun while she was. I told her all the time i was cool with it. Became a problem...
We are not fixed by no means, but we are really working on it. I am so grateful that we are holding true to our vows. It does make the separation easier to take. No added pressures of affairs and other crap.


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## cdbaker

noas55 said:


> Fully 100% agree with you. I am constantly in prayer and reading self-help books to help me understand where my failures were. I know I am not fixed and she knows it too.
> The 7 weks together allowed enough communication for us to figure out the problem areas. I have corrected/making changes to the major ones. Those are changes she likes. We do not want to go down this road again. That is here biggest fear and what what could make it a long possible 2 year location separation. The trust will come and she will fall back IN LOVE again She feels them but is afraid to say the words or allow herself to accept the feelings right now.
> I told her I would seek counseling for the rest of my life to guarantee I would not regress if that is what it took. I do not want to be like the man I turned into...for me , her , and our family


Good to hear. I'm not saying I don't believe you, but also realize that "Fully 100% agree with you. I am constantly in prayer and reading self-help books to help me understand where my failures were. I know I am not fixed and she knows it too." is the same type of response someone might make even when they haven't fully accepted that they still have more work to do that they might not yet even be aware of. A lot of folks will say they need change, work on one or two of the most obvious areas, but then quickly go to work on *convincing* their spouse and others that they have changed and using the bits they have worked on as evidence. I can become more about the sales pitch than the actual product, and the sales pitch will quickly be forgotten after you've gotten the "sale" if she discovers that you over-promised and under-delivered. I hope that all makes sense. Realize that you are a lucky bastard right now to have her back at all, let alone as quickly as you have, so don't forget that and keep working on self improvement.

Good luck!


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## Amplexor

Her figure of two years may not be off by much. My on reconciliation took 3.5 years to complete. Be prepared that this could take a very long time, but if successful you may both find yourselves in a much happier and stronger marriage as my wife and I did. Your wife's fear of re connection has to do with her trust. She fears if she emotionally does this that things my revert to the old ways. This was my wife's biggest hurdle to cross. The only cure is to remain committed to your changes, to yourself. Do not tout, promote or even discuss them with her. Only your actions will speak to her heart. You must be steadfast and consistent in this area. You will take 10 steps backward for every error you make. 

I am not a fan of separation in marriage as a means to recover but since this is what she is asking for you are just going to have to endure it, for now. Keep the contact between the two you casual but caring. Don't read too much in to "signs" positive or negative. Your emotional sense are too raw right now. Sometimes patience can do wonders for the healing process. Don't bring up R unless she does. You cannot push her into reconciliation but you can lead her into it with a steady hand and caring spirit. 

Good luck


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## noas55

CD: I know I have a long way to go to be fixed. I am prepared to do what it takes. I am scared to NOT make the appropriate changes and do not want to go back down this road or worse...divorce

AMP: I know this could take a long time. All I ask for is for her to stay true to rest of the marriage. You are spot on with what she is needing for me to come home. All about trust that we don't go down this road again.
Here again as long as there is progress I can ride this out for the woman I love. I have even told her I know I can speak words of change, but she needs to see action and only time will show that.
I hate the idea of separation. I know how it can cause problems. I am so grateful that she is not wanting to date around. I could not handle that. It would be over. We are both true to our vows and marriage. I do pray to hear "I love You" and I know it could be a LONG time sadly. We did talk about possibly going home in a year even if she has not said the words if she can trust me. That is the issue


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## noas55

W started working on a journal to help her process everything. She is now back in prayer and talking to God for help dealing with her problems. She has mentioned MC or spiritual counseling as well.
Today I asked if her doubts were now just about getting over her fears of me regressing and possibly us ending back where we are. She said yes, that is pretty much all her doubts are now.
She now sees us getting together in less than a year and having a happier marriage. I know those fears can only be worked on after she can trust and that will let her fall IN LOVE again, It is obvious she loves me more than just our history together. I have access to touch and massage anywhere on her body pretty much at any time. Sex is not as often, but that will change. Deep passionate kisses, long hugs, all the good stuff in a marriage. She even stated she was happy now, happier than she has been in years.
That makes me happy!


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## tracyishere

You are fortunate that your wife has the maturity and strength to forgive your transgressions and begin building a happier and healthier life with you. Congrats you must be working hard and proving your love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## noas55

On D day she told me she had no fight left. She wanted to leave because it would be easier.
We talked for an hour before she had to go to work. With the help of God I some how convinced her to LET ME CARRY THE FIGHT for our marriage until she was ready to help. 2 long months and she is now there. Thank God! Still no I love you from her, but in her eyes and passionate kisses, I can see and feel the love. May not be IN LOVE feelings but she has said she LOVES ME DEEPLY. I will take that. 
I am romancing her and not only saying, but showing & proving my love daily. Some people on these boards have said she is crazy and such. We made mistakes that got us here. She is a strong woman. I do believe she would not be fighting for our marriage if I had not (1)fought like my life depended on it and (2) did the 180. I firmly believed all along she would have felt neglected and that would have drove her away. 
I know I pissed off many people by not doing their advice. I went with what I felt and knew about my wife.
Thanks TRACY


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## tracyishere

I hear ya. I have had my fair share of ridicule about my beliefs and actions on this site. But I am happy, and I get a strong sense many people on here aren't. And to me that says allot about their advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moto164

How are you doing Noas55


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## BK23

Noa? How are you holding up?


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