# Physically or mentally challenged partners



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I have seen lots of wounded warriors and I wondered how people do or would deal with a partner that became physically or mentally disabled. Both physically and emotionally? Marriage is hard enough when 2 people are working together, what happens when 1 becomes unable to help? Can the marriage work out? Is there lots of resentment? Do you go outside of the marriage for physical and emotional support? Or do you pick up and run?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I was diagnosed with a mental illness about the same time my man became physically disabled, about 11-12 years into our relationship. We help each other any way we can, disability does not mean we cannot participate in the marriage and be of help. 

At times it has been one-sided, we have both been out of commission several times since then, and the other partner will pick up the slack. We both are in treatment for our issues, and that is a condition of our marriage. We are strong, stubborn people and whatever life throws at us, we deal with it. Open communication, lots of affection, understanding, and being educated about our health issues has helped a lot. Honesty helps, as well as asking others for their help and support.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I can't really put "blame" on my wife for her mental illness so it isn't a resentment situation. The bigger question is what does it feel like to convert to a caretaker and make lots of other sacrifices. 

Why do you ask?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Blaine said:


> I have seen lots of wounded warriors and I wondered how people do or would deal with a partner that became physically or mentally disabled. Both physically and emotionally? Marriage is hard enough when 2 people are working together, what happens when 1 becomes unable to help? Can the marriage work out? Is there lots of resentment? Do you go outside of the marriage for physical and emotional support? Or do you pick up and run?


For me it's impossible to know how we would react to some situations until we're in it. And then so much depends on the other person and the subtle details.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

imperfectworld said:


> I can't really put "blame" on my wife for her mental illness so it isn't a resentment situation. The bigger question is what does it feel like to convert to a caretaker and make lots of other sacrifices.
> 
> Why do you ask?


I saw a commercial with a woman and her wounded husband and I began thinking about writing a story about a couple in a relationship but i dont know much about the reality of it.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I think it would be a good story. In my opinion there isn't much in common between disabled soldiers and mental ill, but from a story perspective look for some weirdness in secondary characters. For example , my situation brought me closer to most of my in-laws except for her sister who has been throughly nasty and I guess projected "blame" on me for the situation.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Thanks I think what i was wondering about was how does a person deal with the unexpected event of a partner who is no longer able to provide that most private refuge and becomes a burden. I have heard stories of people who cut and run but what makes someone stay when they cant even get the physical release and emotional connection of a sexual relationship. If i can i would like to relate that.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

There are two movies that you can check out: A Brilliant Mind, Theory About Everything.

It's probably very hard for both sides: the one who has no issues probably carries heavy responsibility while the one with the disability probably feels bad for putting such a burden on the spouse while having to be limited by the disability. Also, the disabled spouse might want to end things for the sake of the other but for the other, his/her spouse being in his/her life is much more important that he/she just wants to take care of the spouse despite hardships.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Thanks i'll look into them


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## James Horner (Jul 28, 2015)

Once you have identified each other's most important emotional needs, your next step is to learn how to meet them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think a mental disability would be harder for me to cope with than a physical one (in my husband). It's hard to know though...we've talked about this sort of thing a couple of times and I said to him that if he ever had an accident and became physically disabled, the biggest threat to our marriage would not be his disability - it would be him pushing me away. I couldn't bear that.

With mental disability do you mean like depression or something like Alzheimers?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I had a heart attack that nearly killed me 7 years ago. My cardiologist said it is common to suffer PTSD after the type of attack I had. The first night at home I could not sleep unless my wife sat up and watched me the whole night and that was just the tip of the iceberg. 

It took me a good 3 years to fully mentally and physically recover from the MI. To be honest, if I had not gotten on ssri meds and sought out help, I think my wife was close to leaving me, however, she did not and we are better than ever.

The main thing is to get whatever help is available and do what you have to do. It was an incredible strain on myself and my wife. These are the sorts of things that either destroy a marriage or make it concrete strong.

Oh, I almost forgot, we also have a 21 year old mentally handicapped daughter that will always have the mind of a 5 year old. Both of these things together almost drove my wife crazy...almost.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Originally i was thinking brain damage. Something that would really strain a relationship, depriving you of communication and emotional support. I think this would be the most stressful because then you are responsible for their care and not even be able to talk with them feeling truly alone. Do you seek a friend with benefits kind of a deal and take care of them? Do you check out and leave altogether? Or do u suffer in silence?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Blaine said:


> Originally i was thinking brain damage. Something that would really strain a relationship, depriving you of communication and emotional support. I think this would be the most stressful because then you are responsible for their care and not even be able to talk with them feeling truly alone. Do you seek a friend with benefits kind of a deal and take care of them? Do you check out and leave altogether? Or do u suffer in silence?


That's a heavy proposition. Lying beside someone but feeling lonely at the same time is a horrible way to live. I would feel obligated to suffer in silence if my wife were to become mentally ill but I'm sure I would vulnerable to a caring ear. That's something I'd have to really watch out for.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I know a message where spouses of people with PTSD - some of whom who have been married to a "wounded warrior" - are. Maybe I could ask there if somebody wants to talk to you if you tell me how they can contact you.


From what I have been told it is worse for the man than it is for the woman because the man is used to be the strong one and the protector and while you cannot generalize a lot of soldiers are very macho man - are used to be very macho men. They are young and they are macho and the don't want compassion. Of course that's only true for some.
Some hate if people say "I am sorry you had to go to war", because it is what they wanted to do. It was their choice and "Thank you, Sir" is more appreciated than "Sorry" by them.
The man of a woman I know of went into a downward spiral because another man told him he was sorry for him and wanted to give him some charity.

I think that "wounded warriors" often don't like the idea that they are broken. Some hate the idea that people see them as disabled. They for example refuse to use a wheelchair und use crutches instead or they want to work though they are blind.
Accessibility becomes important to them becaudse they want to do the things they used to.
Also psychological accessibility because a lot of wounded warrioirs and a lot of vets who aren't have certain dislikes like they cannot have somebody in their back and don't like to line in.

I think that the spouses of "wounded warriors" do suffer but not in silence because they do talk to other women who are going through the same.
I may be totally wrong but I think a lot of them still go to their husband as a source of comfort while at the same time care for them.

A lot of the spouses do feel alone because they cannot talk about problems because people will say "How can you talk like this about your husband? How can you talk like this about a Vet? You are a lousy Christian" not seeing that sometimes for the spouse all she needs is a sympathetic ear.
A big problem for the spouses is that they feel like their own problems and needs and wants are petty as compared to what their husband goes trough.
So it is basically very important for them to learn they are not alone... and it's also important for the wounded warrior.
There are clubs for them and rides and they do things together.
May be you could contact one of that clubs and ask if there is somebody who wants to talk to you.

I hope that I gave some useful info. That is what I learned talking to people whose husband has thast kind of wound but may be they would not agree with that summary.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

By they way: A Darling Kind of Life

This is the page of a couple in which the man has servere TBI. They decided to have a kid together. It is also the journey of his recovery because his brain damage got a lot better with time. I thinks it's inspirational.
I don't know them but since it is a public blog I think they are okay with people sharing this.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Blaine said:


> I saw a commercial with a woman and her wounded husband and I began thinking about writing a story about a couple in a relationship but i dont know much about the reality of it.


I have a good friend whose husband had a massive stroke about 4 years ago. Prior to his stroke he was a successful business owner/CEO. He now can't really work and is permanently disabled. There are so many hardships that the average person just can't even understand, you are right. I have said to her, "you didn't lose your husband, but you lost your husband."


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> "You didn't lose your husband, but you lost your husband."


I don't know them of course but isn't it a bit unfair towards him? I would be hurt a lot by a comment like this if I was the husband and actually also if I was the wife.

Fortunately my husband does not have a disability but he has a mental illness and I wasn't with him before he cuaght that illness but whenever somebody says something like "your life must be hell" or that parts of him died I feel very, very, very bad.

They don't have the right to say this. May be it is very different in her case I don't know her.

I personally hate it if somebody takes whole our life and everything that makes it beautiful and special and disregards it so much and I have cried about people making that kind of comment.

May be this is very different when the partner is really disabled, who knows? Not wishing to offend you SecondTime'Round.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'll make tea said:


> I don't know them of course but isn't it a bit unfair towards him? I would be hurt a lot by a comment like this if I was the husband and actually also if I was the wife.
> 
> Fortunately my husband does not have a disability but he has a mental illness and I wasn't with him before he cuaght that illness but whenever somebody says something like "your life must be hell" or that parts of him died I feel very, very, very bad.
> 
> ...


No offense taken . 

To provide more context, here's an example of a time I've said this to her (although we've talked many times about the difficulties in their life since the stroke). Soon after her husband had his stroke, her sister's husband (so, her BIL) was dx with brain cancer. He ended up dying a couple years later, which was right in the middle of her H's continued recovery, etc. She feels (and I know this because she has told me, I'm not putting words in her mouth) two things: First, that people tend to kinda forget about them now that he's home from the hospital, he survived, etc. People just don't think about how difficult their life has become now in the day to day (not financially....they are well off). Second, that she sometimes thinks it would be easier to have gone through what her sister went through because at least she could "start over." She's very committed to her husband, for better or worse and all that, but this will be for the absolute rest of her life and this is not the same man she married at all (emotionally/mentally mostly, but of course also physically). He went from being a refined gentleman/CEO of a company to being someone whose Facebook posts have to constantly be monitored by her or one of their adult children because he can be really inappropriate. So when I say, "You haven't lost your husband, but you've lost your husband," it's my way of telling her I totally understand what she's saying/feeling and she doesn't have to feel guilty for sharing those feelings with me, etc. I would never come right out of the blue and say that to her, or anyone for that matter! 

Honestly, I just can't imagine going from wife to caretaker overnight. She has her MBA....she's not in the health profession at all. They have been married over 25 years. I don't think most people go into a marriage, especially when you marry young, imagining themselves becoming a caretaker at young age. Maybe they should, but I doubt they do. I know I didn't.


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

I lost the person whom i married to her disabilty.
When we met she was full of life and energy.
Positive, strong and forward looking.

5 yrs into our marriage she had a botched (minor) surgery that has left her in chronic pain and reduced her abilities significantly.

The past ten years have been very hard on her, on us, and on myself.

I have lost my wife, and i am now a care giver to a different person. Her personality has changed significantly. Our relationship is one sided, and i have given up everything i wanted in a relationship to try and maker her life better. I have stopped advancing my career, no longe maintain my friendships, never see me family and will never have kids. We have no intimacy and we fight constantly due ( in part ) to her personality changes. 

It has not been easy, and most days i do not know how i can go on. It is horrible being with someone who you cannot fix, and knowing that our life will continue to get harder every day. I love her deeply, yet i no longer love the life we have together.

Try talking about that with someone who is constantly suffering and is also dependant on you for almost everything.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Dear Dr thank u for you response. I'm sorry that you and she are going through this. I knew there could be tension but It never occurred to me that there could be a personality change that would go with the disability. I would like to recommend that ya'll both seek help, not that there is anything that could be done but at least ya'll would have a third party to listen to ya'll and maybe offer some advice. Good Luck and God Bless


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