# Finally Stood Up For Myself



## Cloudstrife2356 (Sep 8, 2020)

So i guess i should tell a story. 11 years ago I started dating a girl, after 3 months she got pregnant. 

Being a man who had a father who left him at a young age and had little to do with him throughout life I knew I could not do that to my own child. I married the woman. We have been together since with ups and downs like any normal couple. The main difference for me is the fact that I have always struggled with anxiety. When I was married I was in the belief that as a husband, or at least a good husband I should do everything in my power to make my wife happy no matter what, including if it affected my own self in negative ways. 

I therefore have spent the last 11 years doing everything possible to make my wife happy. At first this simply meant that I would offer to do everything I could to make sure she had as little on her plate as possible. I stayed up with the baby every night, i took care of cleaning the house and cooking, i took care of finances and anything such as that. Basically I did my best to make sure all she needed to do was go to work and come home each day with no responsibilities waiting for her. (I also work a full time job as well). Even though I accomplished this she still was unhappy at times whether it was due to work or something else. I kept at it and when those times would come i would do whatever i could to appease her. 

At about the one year point into our marriage (together for about 2.5 years at this point) is when i started to have thoughts that I might not be very happy in our marriage. 

I however continued to feel that as a good husband and father those feelings should be put aside since it was the right thing to do. 

Then she started blaming her sadness on things i was doing or not doing. Maybe i messed up something with the laundry, maybe i did not make her bad days better fast enough, maybe i should not have mowed the lawn and instead have shown her affection in stead even though she was complaining about the yard....whatever the cause i tried even harder.

I did at this point begin to get very depressed with my life since i was focusing all my time and attention on making sure she was happy. I therefore began taking some me time whenever she fell asleep at night. When she fell asleep i would spend an hour or two watching tv shows i liked or maybe even playing a video game....at first i thought this was fine and healthy. 

It did get to a point however, i will admit, i began to look forward to these times. I would actually be excited for her to go to sleep since i knew that i would not have to be anxious anymore during tjat day about her complaining and that i could have some time to myself. She made this known to me that she felt this way so i tried to make it better and fix it.

Apparently i did not do so soon enough. It was about this time (again this is about 7 years ago) that a man from her work began talking to her alot in person and through text.

The background of their relationship was that right before she met me she actually dated this man for about 3 months. She claims they basically did everything but sleep together at the time of their dating. She made me award of their conversations at work but i began to really notice when she was receiving numerous texts from him while at home. She claimed it was just a friendship and that she was feeling at the time like she had no friends which was sort of true. Her only true best friend was living out of state at the time.

We would be sitting their watching tv or whatever and most of that time was spent her texting him. I was able to catch a few glances at the text and noticed he was heavily flirting with her in the way of telling her how good she looked tjat day at work and such. When asked about it she said he was a flirt but she did not recipricate. I therefore, again trying to be a what i thought a good husband was, ignored it. One night however after about 3 weeks and reading some of the texts i confronted her and said it was wrong what he was sending her.

She apologized but said she was scared to tell him to stop because she felt he would then tell others at work that she was not a friendly person and was not allowed to talk to people at work because of her husband. Again i asked her to talk to him about it and she said she would. It was about this time she seemed to become depressed. 

She claimed that she felt trapped in the house and that we rarley were ever able to leave. At the time we had teo children (the one me and her had together and one from her previous marriage) we were ok financially but unable to splurge whenever we wanted. 

As i said before i tried everything to make her happy and sometimes i would spend money we did not have on things to make her happy such as hotel get aways or football tickets. Sometimes however i just could not.find the money and the dates slowed down which is about the time she started feeling cooped up. It was at this point she said that this work friend asked her to go get something to eat at lunch. I of course did not like the idea but again i did what i thought would make her happy.

They began going get lunch together at work some days or eating lunches they brought from home together. Then one day she said she wanted to go have dinner with him. The anxiety in my chest rose to amazing heights. As mentioned before i suffer from anxiety and it had been dorment for along time and this was thr first time it came back for awhile. After talking about it she basically told me they were just friends and she needed to get out of the house sometimes. 

She convinced me that i should trust her and that if i was a good husband i would be ok with her going have dinner with friends boy or girl and that there was nothing wrong with it. I should also point out that at this point i was attempting to check her phone alot while she slept. Of course i would see flirt text from him still and it got to a point where i compared phone bill records and discovered their were some deleted text. Whenever confronted with it she denied it and would be angry at me for checking her phone and not trusting her. 

She began going to dinner with him every now and then. I remember the hardest part being sitting on our bed watching her get dressed in make up and nice clothes like we were going on a date. I would stay home with the baby and take care of him. This continued for about a month until my anxiety got worse and worse. I was breaking down at work crying, i wasnt sleeping, i was getting angry with people. 

Everytime i confrontrd her she would always make me feel like i was being jealous and not justified in my feelings. One day however i had enough. I broke through my anxiety and confronted her telling her she was wrong in what she was doing and that she needed to stop. 

She broke down crying saying she sorry and she agreed. She claimed nothing psyical ever happened during this time. About a week later, i dont remember all thr details, but she got invited to a football party at the mans house that he hosted alot of. Honestly i was not that in to football and would only go to games for her because i knew it made her happy. 

She got invited and asked if she could go with one of her girlfriends since it would be a large group. I had since lost my new found courage at this point snd agreed. She went and came home and that was that. Then she started going on a weekly basis but without her girl friend. The other people at the party were other people they worked with. 

Again i would stay home with the baby and would sometimes call her while she was at these parties which she got mad about but could here people in the background saying i should come. 

The next party i said i would love to go with her. She said she didnt want me to since i didnt like football and that i would be bored and not enjoy myself so i didnt go. This continued for a few more weeks. Eventually i built up courage again and told her she needed to stop. She said ok but could tell she did not agree with it. To this day she claims they never did anything but i honestly dont beleive it. 

She did recently reveal to me in casual convo that during that time she was unhappy with me and felt like i didnt love her and all i cared about was watching tv and her going to sleep. She said he was giving her thr attention she wanted and was honestly waiting for me to leave her so she could be with him. Again claims they never did anything. She also revealed recently that she did delete text from him and that he was sending her dik pics at the time. I am still angry at her about it....i still beleive they did more thsn she says. 

Anyway, after that we continued with our marriage. I continued my trying to make her happy no matter what. It actually got to a point where my anxiety controlled me. Anytime she was unhappy, mad, sad or anything i would get anxious and do anything to fix it. I know this was not healthy and i should of done something about it along time ago but honestly i was scared to do so. 

I was basically convincing myself this was normal and again what a good husband should do. I beleive she soon began to realize i would do anything for her and began enjoying it. 

Whether she realized it or not she began abusing my anxiety for her own benefit. The best example of this i can remember is that she would call me at work sometimes while i was busy. 

I was scared to not answrr so i always did. Most of thr time she was having a bad day at work. My anxiety would flare up and i would say whatever i needed to to make her happy which would end my anxiety. At first it was just i would do whatever she wanted tjay evening or plan a big date but eventually that wasnt enough. She wanted out of her job. 

It was a hard time financially and honestly we would have struggled to make it if shr had but even so i would tell her i would support her decision and even get a second job if i needed to. She wojld never quit and would be fine the next day. 

One day she called and i told her the same thing about quitting but this time she said i was lying anf just trying to get her to shut up. Which honestly at this ppint in my marriage i was. I just wanted my anxiety to go away. So i told her she should go back to school so she could get a better job and i wojld help her. Agter a while she agreed. We signed her up for online classes.

During her first semester she struggled eith the stress of it (very low tolerance for stress). I took over a few of her classes to help her. By the third semester i was doing sll of her classes and did so until the day she graduated. She would always say she didnt want me to but when she would try and take a few it was always the same result. We would have many fights over the years....mostly she would complain about me not doing something right like the laundry or not being a good husband and i would always agree and try and do better. I hate fighting....will do anything to avoid it. I know thats not healthy. Will finish in second post.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please use paragraphs. No one wants to plow through a wall of text.


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## Cloudstrife2356 (Sep 8, 2020)

And now the rest. I hate fighting. Maybe it was daddy leaving at a young age or something but i avoid it. Whenever we would fight, which she was good at, she would always comvince me i did something wrong. 

She would give examples which honestly i couldnt remember doing and she would convince me. I have seen her do this with others as well. Whenever we would have big fights where i would stand up for myself they would usually get to a point where i would be ready to walk out and whenever it got that far she would always say "you are leaving your son". 

I would always turn back around. I love my son and can never leave him like my father left me. I just cant. Fast foward to now after dealing with this for years. My life currently has a pretty standard routine. Every morning she wakes up at 430, she wakes me up to go make her coffee for her and bring it to her in bed. She will drink her coffee and play on her phone. I will lay there and snuggle her. 

She will get out of bed so she can leave at 530 to get to work at 6. While she gets ready i will get up and pick up house and fix her lunch for the day. Will also fix kids lunches if they need them that day. She leaves at 530.

Honestly i do not have to leave for work until about 715. I could lay back down but most of the time do not. I have learned that if she has a good day she will not care but if she has a bad day it will come back to haunt me. Although recently i cared less and less and about that. I go to work and hope she does not call. We will email.throughout the day chit chat. If she calls i know it will be bad. 

I will have anxiety and my day will be shot. I get home about an hour before her which gives me time to pick up kid mess and get supper started so when she gets home she will have nothing that needs to be done.

If she had a good day we will eat and watch shows or play with the kids or something. If she has a bad day she will answer every question with i dont care including what she wants for supper. My anxiety kicks in and i dont know what to cook and we usually end up eating take out once she calms down. With covid however we have both been working from home. 

The routine is the same. She works on her computer but has to login at 6 everyday. Sometimes i will offer to logon for her and watch her computer so she can sleep longer. Some days are fine other days are not. If she having a bad day it can be bad.

Basically i dread every decision i make during the day. For example....the lawn needs to be mowed...i question if i should do it. If i do it and she has a good day it is fine and i made the right choice...if she has a bad day then im more worried about the lawn and should of spent more time snuggling her while she worked. Many things can set her off....whenever they do it usually falls on me. I have learned when she fusses the best solution is to just keep quiet. Anything you say makes it worse. She will get mad for you staying quiet but usually ends it quicker. There are of course more things i dont remember or dont care to mention but in a nutshell....

My anxiety rules my life. I get anxiety from other things like most people but 95% of it comes from my wife. If she is not happy then i am anxious...sometimes to a point where i consider running away or even suicide to make it go away.

Dont worry, not about to off myself. Too much i want to do in life, only mention to show the level of anxiety. It magically instantly dissappears when she is ok. This is of course why i do everything in my power to make it ok. I am not happy.....so now let me share what happened about 3 weeks ago. We had a fight....it was a big one
She was sad about something and asked to be alone.

My anxiety kicked in and i followed her to ask what was wrong and how can i fix it convinced i did something wrong. She says it had nothing to do with me which it turns out it didnt. Later she told me i was wrong to do what i did, and shes right. I only cared because i wanted my anxiety to go away. Then she asked me "all these things you do for me....is it because you love or want me to shut up?"

And immediatley i began to ponder and she was right....it was honestly to get her to shut up to make my anxiety go away. She then asked if i still had feelings for her. Normally with this question i always instantly say of course so we csn end the fight. This time though....i surprisngly said "i dont know." She cried and walked out. I walked to my truck, got it in,, and left. Something i had never done before. 

I ended up in a nearby parking lot where i called my mother crying. Full of anxiety snd having a full out attack. I honestly figured at this point i would go home and make up as always to end it....but instead....i went to my mothers house, 3 hours away at midnight....i told my wife i needed some time. Amazingly....and for the first time...i felt releived....the anxiety went away but in such a wondeful and different way. I felt so free.

I stayed at my mothers house for a few days. At the time her and my wife were convinced my meds were messed up (i do take meds for anxiety and they work great except for when the wife triggers an episode). After i convinced them that wasnt it they incisted i see a councelor...i agreed abd went. I told her basically everything i have said here and i felt amazing after. 

I realized i have been living a lie for the past 11 years. I began asking myself questions such as " if not for the baby....would i have married?" Honestly no....me and the wife actually discussed this one night years ago drunk and both admitted we were thinking about breaking up with each other before the baby happened. I realized i had changed as a person greatly.

I can remember myself being a wondefful happy person who loved life and nature and saw nothing but good in the world. The wife is more cautious of the world and in a nutshell is more of a glass half empty person....i realized i had turned into this myself. 

I realized that i have become so mucb more irritable. I used to be able to stay up with a screaming baby all night and not be phased. Now i get aggravated when my son comes to me to show me something new he learned. I realized i am like this because all of my energy has been going into making my wife happy to stop my anxiety.

The big question was.....did i ever love her. I have spent the last few weeks trying to figure that out. I love her...as the mother of my child...as a person....and as a friend....but at the moment that is all. No romantic affection, no desire to hold or kiss her, no desire to make her happy......she has admitted her part in this and is going to seek counsling which i think is great. 

The past few weeks she has been a new person and so have i. I dont tata her every second. When i can tell she is mad or sad i ask if shes ok and if i csn do anything and when she says no i let it be.

We have been staying in the same house but i basically live in a seperate bedroom. I told her i need space and cant be affectionate with her. She claims she is fixing herself and therefore the marriage can be fixed. I agreed to marriage counseling but covid is slowing that down. At the moment.....i do not.feel like it can be fixed. I cannot see myself loving her like a husband loves a wife. 

All i feel right now is resentment for her.....for treating me like she did for so long. I am not saying i did not play a part....i should of gotten help and honestly i did try to. I tried to go see a therapust two times....both times i would go to my first visit and like them and make a second visit but on the day of my second visit the wife would have a bad day and i would cancel so i could take care of her. 

I know i have underlying issues. I know that my marriage did not cause my anxiety just triggered it and i need to get help or it will continue whether i stay or go. I am getting counseling and have been to three sessions so far and loving it. I can see she is trying. She is working on herself and i think its great and i hope she fixes her issues as well....i just dont know if i can go back to a marriage where i dont know what my feelings were. So there is my story. I am sure their are plenty more details and tidbits i could and will happily fill in any blanks.

I guess i am posting today because i am having a very anxuous day and a therapy session is not an option today so i needed to just tell my story. Feel free to reply or email any comments, questions, or suggestions.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

You need to finish because I don’t see in this post where you stood up for yourself. What I see is a man who’s wife is dating another guy with his blessings .


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W is dating another man. Your W has been lying. You are being a doormat. Don't be a doormat. Be single and happy. Divorce your freeloading W. Keep the counseling for you. Let you W sort out her own issues.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don’t necessarily agree that your wife is still cheating, however I do think she did cheat on you, and regardless of whether they had sex, she was cheating at the time. At this point I don’t think that’s your main concern. You just don’t want to be around her anymore, as if you’ve built up an intolerance to her. You’ve also got no solid foundation of love and happiness to look back on and believe it can be better, because it was lacklustre from the start.

I think you’re extremely sensitive to any negativity. You see that yourself. You made a rod of your own back, trying to “make” someone happy. Trying to do everything in the relationship, which is never sustainable. Many people fall into this trap, thinking it’s the way to show love when it always ends with one person doing 80% and getting resentful, and the other doing 20% while thinking they’re doing 50%.

If you leave her, you are not abandoning your child. Get 50/50 custody. I divorced and never considered that I was leaving my children. You divorce your spouse, NOT your children.


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## Cloudstrife2356 (Sep 8, 2020)

I agree that i think she was cheating back then. I am still angry about it but it is not the focus of why i feel the way i feel. It was mentioned just so people could hopefully understand the entire story.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Cloudstrife2356 said:


> I agree that i think she was cheating back then. I am still angry about it but it is not the focus of why i feel the way i feel. It was mentioned just so people could hopefully understand the entire story.


Did you get the point about using paragraphs in your big posts? Super hard to read otherwise. 

You could just go back and hit the enter key after each major thought. Just so you see a blank line between the individual paragraphs????

Do you guys have kids? Why are you staying? Do you want to? You understand that they probably had sex don't you?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Cloudstrife2356 said:


> I agree that i think she was cheating back then. I am still angry about it but it is not the focus of why i feel the way i feel. It was mentioned just so people could hopefully understand the entire story.


The entire story focuses on one thing. The desire to be a people pleaser. Particularly your cheating W. This is not only unhealty, it is unsustainable. LEARN TO SAY NO. File D and be free of this woman.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Cloudstrife2356 Your wife is an abusive person. And a cheater.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You two sound like a bad match. You are literally scared of your wife. And both of you are just avoiding each other all the time. End the relationship and be happier.

By leaving, honestly, it doesn't matter if she cheated. What's done is done. Just leave the marriage.

BTW, you might want to DNA your child. She was dating this guy right before you and got pregnant....sounds like the kid could either be his or yours with 50/50 probability.

Oh, and no woman likes being around a doormat who bends over backwards and does ridiculous things because he is scared. It shows weakness.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cloudstrife2356 said:


> I agree that i think she was cheating back then. I am still angry about it but it is not the focus of why i feel the way i feel. It was mentioned just so people could hopefully understand the entire story.


I don’t necessarily agree with others that she’s abusive, but I don’t think you’re compatible. I think you need to be with someone who is a lot more positive and upbeat.

With someone else who doesn’t react to her negativity in the way you do, she would probably be better off too. Trying to constantly _fix_ anything she whinges about would’ve just reinforced the whinging, and she also would’ve never felt close to you through being able to express herself without causing you to run off in a panic trying to make things better.

I usually advocate for trying to work things out but you’re just so miserable and it’s gone on for so long that I just don’t know how you come back from that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You are codependent. To a fault of a healthy life for yourself. Figure out where you end and she begins.

read “codependent no more” you’ll need it in your next marriage too.

your wife uses you while she dates another man! Stop saying yes to her! Work on boundaries.

get a sense of yourself. Your wife SHOULD BE perfectly capable of taking care of herself AND things herself! Why didn’t SHE mow the lawn?

if she doesn’t like something - ask her “what are YOU gonna DO to fix it?”

Stop trying to do the work of two people! Do your part - not yours AND hers!

and stop being her doormat - she doesn’t respect you.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Cloudstrife2356 said:


> And now the rest. I hate fighting. Maybe it was daddy leaving at a young age or something but i avoid it. Whenever we would fight, which she was good at, she would always comvince me i did something wrong.
> 
> She would give examples which honestly i couldnt remember doing and she would convince me. I have seen her do this with others as well. Whenever we would have big fights where i would stand up for myself they would usually get to a point where i would be ready to walk out and whenever it got that far she would always say "you are leaving your son".
> 
> ...



Ok.
So, she was and has been cheating on you....almost right to your face with other men. There is no telling how many times they've had sex, but your anxiety is getting better. 
Dude, you should have ended that talking/texting another man thing 7 years ago. There is nothing left to salvage here.


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## Cloudstrife2356 (Sep 8, 2020)

It did end 7 years ago. He doesnt work there anynore abd they never text or anythjng.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sigh. 

Standing up for yourself would be divorcing this toxic "person".


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

No comment on your situation but nice screen name. I am a big Final Fantasy fan.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How the heck could you put yourself through that? Hard read but that was and still is a messed up marriage. You need to divorce that thing you call a wife.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s sad she’s losing her maid, gardener, cook, babysitter and provider.

she hasn’t been a supportive wife for you. It’s time to have her leave and figure out how life works!

next time, do NOT DO everything for any woman! Let them stand on their own. You do you and she does her share. It’s called a “partnership” for a reason!

allowing anyone to use you to that extreme is way out of balance! Work on boundaries with a skilled therapist!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> BTW, you might want to DNA your child. She was dating this guy right before you and got pregnant....sounds like the kid could either be his or yours with 50/50 probability.


I'm wondering what you imagine the end game is for this piece of advice. Not that I agree he should go this route at all, but let's follow it through.

Scenario 1:
He gets a DNA test for his child and it turns out he _is_ the father
Child is hurt and confused and this damages his relationship with his child for nothing

Scenario 2:
He gets a DNA test for his child and it turns out he _isn't_ the father
He tells his child he will still be a father to him but their relationship is damaged, child is hurt, this is always between them

Scenario 3:
He gets a DNA test for his child and it turns out he _isn't_ the father
He tells the child, 'oh well, been nice knowing ya but I'm outta here'. Child is abandoned.

Just wondering what you have against his child because that's who is mainly hurt by any and all of those scenarios. He said he wanted to be a good father. This is not something a good father would do imo.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

@AliceA What do I have against this child? Are you serious? First off, the child doesn't have to know the test is being done. There are kits at Walmart - tell the kid you are doing medical tests, hide the kit, whatever. You must not hang out in the CWI forum much - people do this, kid doesn't know. This story would suggest the child is about 10-11 years old. He's not going to figure it out.

That eliminates Scenario 1 from your question. If he's the father, no harm, no foul. It gives the father reassurance that he hasn't been raising another man's child all this time.

Scenario 2 - whether he tells the child or not is his business. But what it does is give him ammunition in court when it comes to a divorce settlement. He can do this while continuing to act as his father. He can either say, 1) look, we have this news but it changes nothing about how I feel about you, or 2) he can simply not tell him if the parents decide it will be too damaging. Either way, the current father has a CHOICE.

Scenario 3 - who says the OP would do that? I mean, that's on him, then. He may choose, however, to encourage him to meet his biological father. The kid might want to know that information at some point.

But in the event he is NOT the father, the main point is this gives him options. And it gives him the ability to be fairly treated in a divorce.

The father has every right to know if he has been hoodwinked by his wife. Perhaps at the time, the OP was a better candidate to be a dad then the other boyfriend was, and she picked him for that reason, not knowing who the kid belonged to. If it's the other guy's kid, that is a major crime against the OP.

And I don't throw around this advice lightly. The timing is VERY suspect in this case. As is the behavior afterwards. It's like she never stopped dating this other man.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AliceA said:


> I'm wondering what you imagine the end game is for this piece of advice. Not that I agree he should go this route at all, but let's follow it through.
> 
> Scenario 1:
> He gets a DNA test for his child and it turns out he _is_ the father
> ...


I guess you are not a man to make such statements. For you as a woman, even if you don't know who the father is, you know that is yours. Now put yourself in the other shoe.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> @AliceA What do I have against this child? Are you serious? First off, the child doesn't have to know the test is being done. There are kits at Walmart - tell the kid you are doing medical tests, hide the kit, whatever. You must not hang out in the CWI forum much - people do this, kid doesn't know. This story would suggest the child is about 10-11 years old. He's not going to figure it out.
> 
> That eliminates Scenario 1 from your question. If he's the father, no harm, no foul. It gives the father reassurance that he hasn't been raising another man's child all this time.
> 
> ...


Here, here... Really good response. 

The thing Alice does not seem to understand is that the WOMAN that carried the child KNOWS it is her child, but she might be confused about who the actual father is. 

LOTS of men have been screwed over like this for as long as there have been men and woman...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BluesPower said:


> Here, here... Really good response.
> 
> The thing Alice does not seem to understand is that the WOMAN that carried the child KNOWS it is her child, but she might be confused about who the actual father is.
> 
> LOTS of men have been screwed over like this for as long as there have been men and woman...


Yep, it's honestly such a horrible crime, and just like how men can't understand certain women's issues that are unique to them, women cannot understand this feeling. It's not biologically possible.

If I ever found out my adult children weren't mine I would probably go clinically insane from the short-circuiting that would take place. Full straight-jacket.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So why question if it’s just pain and suffering for yourself mostly? And about winning some more money in a settlement?
I think it’s very unlikely the child won’t find out, and it’s disgusting to treat them as if they have no rights over their own body. 10 or 11 is definitely old enough to require permission before taking DNA. We do what we have to to protect them until they can protect themselves, but stealing DNA from them so you can get more stuff, wow.

But yeah, I don’t the know how it feels to be the male in the situation. I do know that too many people don’t think of their children as people, rather copies of themselves to send out into the world, hence the idea we can do what we want to them because we own them, right?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Stealing DNA? who would be stealing anything? You got your perceptions of this world all screw up. Life is not fair, nor it ever has been, nor it is intended to be. It is so pathetically sad this days to see the degree of stupidity by humans with their skewed sense of fairness and all that blah, blah, blah, that now men/women are suppose to commit immolation of one-self in the name of others. I got a biological principle for you: YOU ARE FIRST. You see it in any living thing. but now men are suppose to go against one of the most biological imprint: ensure that that offspring is yours. No dice Mon Cheri, no dice. I would make sure that the child is mine. THAT'S MY RIGHT before anything else is to happens. 

I get so disgusted with the way society in the western world in the misguided sense to protect children are making these children so sheltered that they are losing sense of reality. We don't let children see a dead person body, or a child to observed the birth of another human being is nowadays taboo, unheard of. Let's not even go there with the subject of sex.. super taboo, etc., etc., everything is : Noooo we can not exposed a child to anything because the poor child might not make it in this world. No wonder today's kids are so psychologically fragile. unprepared to face any hardship.

For your information any court can demand a child's DNA if it is required for a case, regardless if he's seventeen or 9. the child will be subjected to the DNA test. So forget about silly notions that it is their own body.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Testing the kids is mainly a matter of knowing what is true and correct.

what the OP does with the results is up to him - but he does have the right to know what’s real.

the kids don’t need to understand what the test is for.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lack of consent is still lack of consent, whether it’s a child or an adult. If the child is old enough to understand the test, consent should be sought first. I can’t do a lot about how bad and horrible the rest of the world is, but I can control me. The OP will make his own choice.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AliceA said:


> Lack of consent is still lack of consent, whether it’s a child or an adult. If the child is old enough to understand the test, consent should be sought first. I can’t do a lot about how bad and horrible the rest of the world is, but I can control me. The OP will make his own choice.


You're wrong, minors have not saying whether they understand or not, whether they consent or not.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> You're wrong, minors have not saying whether they understand or not, whether they consent or not.


that’s why they are called “minors”. Here - the age is 18 when they make decisions for themselves.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

As parents, we are responsible for making decisions on behalf of our children. We often make decisions for our own convenience, such as whether to serve fast food for dinner or take the time to make a healthy meal. DNA is something else entirely. When mine were young, I had DNA & fingerprint kits for each of my children in the event that something were to happen. I was consenting on their behalf and for their safety. To take their DNA solely for the purposes of determining whether or not my spouse cheated is stepping over an ethical line, in my opinion. 

There may be personal satisfaction knowing she had an affair, but it generally does not influence factors like alimony, division of property, or child custody issues any more. In the US at least, it's generally accepted that if a child is born while a couple is married, the man is presumed to be the father. In most cases the man is still considered legally and financially responsible for the child, even if a paternity test determines he is not biologically related. With the advent of “no-fault” divorce, adultery no longer has a major impact on the outcome of divorce.

In the case of a test to establish paternity, I believe that I have no right to use them for that purpose. And, really if I'm ready to divorce then their paternity isn't going to make any difference anyway. No one wants to pull the trigger if they're wrong, but really if the kid's paternity is the only thing keeping the marriage together than either commit to fixing the problems or divorce and move on; either of which would seem to be in the kid's best interests.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

"She began going to dinner with him every now and then. I remember the hardest part being sitting on our bed watching her get dressed in make up and nice clothes like we were going on a date. I would stay home with the baby and take care of him. "

This is absurd. She is messing with your mind. If she and he are just friends, he can come over and hang out with the whole family. She doesn't need to spend time with a member of the opposite sex alone, ever. It's not like he's her childhood best friend and you knew he was there when you met her. She is so incredibly disrespectful it's unreal.

"The next party i said i would love to go with her. She said she didnt want me to since i didnt like football and that i would be bored and not enjoy myself so i didnt go." But you said you wanted to go. It's a party, you could chat with people. Does she like football? Is she ok with you going out with girls alone for dinner or to parties without her?

It's good you cared enough about your child to want to be there in the same home daily. But WOW, what a terrible wife!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

pplwatching said:


> As parents, we are responsible for making decisions on behalf of our children. We often make decisions for our own convenience, such as whether to serve fast food for dinner or take the time to make a healthy meal. DNA is something else entirely. When mine were young, I had DNA & fingerprint kits for each of my children in the event that something were to happen. I was consenting on their behalf and for their safety. To take their DNA solely for the purposes of determining whether or not my spouse cheated is stepping over an ethical line, in my opinion.
> 
> There may be personal satisfaction knowing she had an affair, but it generally does not influence factors like alimony, division of property, or child custody issues any more. In the US at least, it's generally accepted that if a child is born while a couple is married, the man is presumed to be the father. In most cases the man is still considered legally and financially responsible for the child, even if a paternity test determines he is not biologically related. With the advent of “no-fault” divorce, adultery no longer has a major impact on the outcome of divorce.
> 
> In the case of a test to establish paternity, I believe that I have no right to use them for that purpose. And, really if I'm ready to divorce then their paternity isn't going to make any difference anyway. No one wants to pull the trigger if they're wrong, but really if the kid's paternity is the only thing keeping the marriage together than either commit to fixing the problems or divorce and move on; either of which would seem to be in the kid's best interests.


You may feel that way, but let me assure you that most men in this world would want to know, regardless, period. And they are in their right to know so.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> You may feel that way, but let me assure you that most men in this world would want to know, regardless, period. And they are in their right to know so.


Of course I would want to know. That doesn't give me the right to have a paternity test done without my kid's consent. The ends do not justify the means.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

In all of what she did throughout those years... why didn’t you tell her NO?

you have every right to say NO. She would still decide - based on you expressing how you feel about her going with him. Why didn’t you have a voice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stop the threadjack about paternity tests. That's not the topic of this thread. Please post directly to the OP going forward.

{Speaking as a moderator}


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

OP, if you'd like to DNA your kid to make sure he is yours, do it - you have every right. If you'd rather not, don't.

But in either instance, your marriage is a sham and should be ended.

And in your case, I'd have the test done. But that's just me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cloudstrife2356 said:


> She apologized but said she was scared to tell him to stop because she felt he would then tell others at work that she was not a friendly person and was not allowed to talk to people at work because of her husband. Again i asked her to talk to him about it and she said she would. It was about this time she seemed to become depressed.


What a load of bulls--t. My girlfriend has no problems telling people to stop harassing her and never has to use me as a reason.



> They began going get lunch together at work some days or eating lunches they brought from home together. Then one day she said she wanted to go have dinner with him. The anxiety in my chest rose to amazing heights. As mentioned before i suffer from anxiety and it had been dorment for along time and this was thr first time it came back for awhile. After talking about it she basically told me they were just friends and she needed to get out of the house sometimes.





> I should also point out that at this point i was attempting to check her phone alot while she slept. Of course i would see flirt text from him still and it got to a point where i compared phone bill records and discovered their were some deleted text. Whenever confronted with it she denied it and would be angry at me for checking her phone and not trusting her.


🤦‍♂️



> She convinced me that i should trust her and that if i was a good husband i would be ok with her going have dinner with friends boy or girl and that there was nothing wrong with it.


A good partner, husband or wife, would consider their partner's feelings regardless of what they feel is right or wrong.

Raise your standards and like others have mentioned, stand up for your feelings, do not let her invalidate it. If she continues, then you must do what is necessary for yourself and find someone who actually gives you the respect you deserve. Or stay in this "marriage", up to you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AliceA said:


> So why question if it’s just pain and suffering for yourself mostly? And about winning some more money in a settlement?
> I think it’s very unlikely the child won’t find out, and it’s disgusting to treat them as if they have no rights over their own body. 10 or 11 is definitely old enough to require permission before taking DNA. We do what we have to to protect them until they can protect themselves, but stealing DNA from them so you can get more stuff, wow.
> 
> But yeah, I don’t the know how it feels to be the male in the situation. I do know that too many people don’t think of their children as people, rather copies of themselves to send out into the world, hence the idea we can do what we want to them because we own them, right?


10 or 11 isn't old enough for a child to give permission to do a DNA test or can't. Kindly, that's ludicrous.


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