# My husband has no friends..



## kindness

He is a loner, and well, it's lonely. Solitary activities he likes; chess and golf..

He does have two friends, one of which I've never met, and one who lives across the country. I've met him once. He has no local friends...at all. 

What do you think of this? I know what I think, just curious about your thoughts.

It's boring. He has nothing going on - ever. When we have dinner parties, they're my friends. 

K


----------



## Confused32

I could see how that would be boring for you but on the brighter side men's friends can be your worst enemy! Maybe you should be happy you dont have to deal with the problems that could come of him having too many friends or bad friends


----------



## dazed&confused

Confused32 said:


> I could see how that would be boring for you but on the brighter side men's friends can be your worst enemy! Maybe you should be happy you dont have to deal with the problems that could come of him having too many friends or bad friends


Sounds like my wife. I now have no friends, thanks to her, and it's depressing. She has her high school friends, collage friends, work friends, friends through her sister and they all keep in touch and have there little outings.

I had a good friend and she didn't care for him, he was a good person and she put a stop to our friendship after we got married. I was invited to fight night at a co-workers house and she didn't think it was a good idea for me to attend, they stopped inviting me because she didn't want me to go. 

So I'm going to die a lonely person and not know what it's like to have friendship outside my marriage. Not know what it's like to hang with guys. BTW.. I've had this discussion with my shrink and found my depression is due to some deep rooted issues with lost friendship. 

If there is any inclination that he needs friendship then I would encourage him to work towards this. For myself I find it difficult but a lot of this stems from my wifes reluctance to support this effort.


----------



## Nekko

My husband is the same. I accepted that when i decided i want him as a husband. On top of this, he also has a very low tolerance of people so i can't exactly make him go out with my friends. 

We do have one of his childhood friends and his wife who we ocassionally go out with (till a while ago he hated to do this but now it seems he's grown to tolerate it) and another common friend (and his girlfriend) who we also 'go out with' but it's generally for a coffee once a month or so. It's more like this friend asks us out 5 times and we accept the invitation once.

I dunno what to say, i personally enjoyed both being outside and sociable and being inside and activities such as chess or golf or pc games or whatever. So i'm happy both ways. I knew he was a loner when i married him and i guess i didn't expect any different.


----------



## HappyHer

Make plans with your friends and do things with them, then spend alone time with your husband. He may or may not pursue friendships, but that it's his business to decide that for himself. 

Dazedandconfused, I hear you are blaming your wife. But you've had the choice to accept or reject invitations and standing up to her about what you really want or not was a choice you made. I would suggest taking her to counseling and working through that issue together so maybe she'll realize that you need to have time for friends too.


----------



## kindness

yes, the reason it bothers me is that I've changed.

I used to have major social anxiety, so we were two peas in a pod back then. Now that I've had a loong run of therapy,and have improved my self esteem greatly, I find that I want to branch out into the community. He however, just plain doesn't. He's not anxious, he's just not interested.

So of course I accept him! I just wonder if it's healthy to want to be so solitary. Upon reflection, I always wanted to have more friends, just was too shy to start up conversations.

I mean, he can't even chat with the neighbors from time to time.


----------



## letitgo

will he go with you if you go out? Maybe find something he really like to do and go with him. do any of your firends have BF or hubby's that he could become freinds with slowly? I understand how he feels, I like to be alone but this is when Im suffereing from my depression at its worst. People tend to crave social interaction..maybe hes fine with not having any friends but I dont think its healthy. Maybe get him into therapy


----------



## Harvard

You shouldn't have changed because of who your H is. I don't get that. Maybe he enjoys his lonely life. Confused has a point, you could have a social butterfly and a different set of concerns


----------



## Blonddeee

Are your friends all in relationships or married? Do your friends not like hanging out with him? 
I was with my ex-h for 6 years...my friends became friends of his and his friends were mine- every once in a while we'd set up a girls night and I'd send him off with the guys my friends were with for a guys night. (I got 90% of the friends in the divorce )
You could always encourage him to hang out with your friends and he can build a friendship with them also...


----------



## kindness

I changed because I wanted to, not for him...

..and someone being a social butterfly does not mean trouble, lol. I'm sure a paranoid, mistrusting homebody can cheat on their spouse as well.


----------



## MsLady

Is he happy hanging out by himself? Have you guys discussed this, and do you know if it's by genuine choice or by some sort of "issue"?

There are a few things here: 1) he's boring you and you are assuming he's boring because he doesn't have any friends, 2) you've changed and are making a value judgment about which is "better" - being a loner or being social, 3) you still aren't that confident socially so you're wishing he would become more social so he could "help you" socialize.

My thoughts on that are:
1) Plenty of loners are very interesting, have interesting thoughts to share, etc. So, if he's being boring it's not necessarily because he's not socializing (though admittedly, it helps to come home and have a "story" to share).

2) People have different temperaments and different social needs and one is not better than the other. Your social isolation was due to lack of self-esteem, but his may not be for the same reason - so talk it out and get to understand why he doesn't feel a need for friendships/ socializing.

3) Keep meeting new people, go out and have fun with your friends and come home and have down time with your hubby (or go out with him and have fun). As long as he's not grouchy about you going out and having friends, what's the problem?


----------



## tryingtocope24

I have to get in on this. My wife says I have no friends. I am a small business owner I am in contact all day with people I regard a friends.I will not go out to bars with the guys to a bar to ***** about our wifes all night it is not right. I do like to spend time with my wife at night she would rather be alone. So just because I don't go out at night does not mean I have friends. Now that she has asked me to move out I have all kinds of friends offering me there second homes. If she left she would be on the street because the people she thinks are friends really are not.


----------



## nice777guy

I'm in the same boat as your husband. I feel like with the time I've given to a (somewhat) disabled wife, my two daughters, and work, I would just rather be alone at the end of the day.

BUT - now that i'm having marriage problems, I find myself wishing I had a stronger social network to help me through these kinds of times.

Another thing - when things were good with my wife and I, our personality differences seemed to somewhat compliment each other. We could go out and she could do all the talking, while I could set back and "observe" with a drink in my hand. 

Maybe the difference here is that I would still go out with my wife and her friends from time to time.

One last thing - when I do go out with "the guys", we usually end up at a bar watching sports or something. Still not a lot of conversation - or at least meaningful conversation.


----------



## herhubby

Kindness,

I'm new to this forum, but your post caught my attention as it's one of the main areas my wife and I struggle with.

She is fairly social. She grew up in a big family (7 brothers and sisters) and loves to talk and play games and whatnot with others.

I was an only child, grew up in a rural area, and have always been happier in solitary pursuits than socializing with others. I think I'm a friendly, easy going guy, and have no problem making friends, but I moved around a lot when I was young and just learned to be content on my own. These days I run my own business out of our home, and have plenty of other activities (woodworking, home improvements, auto repairs, etc.) to keep me busy, and when I have spare time I prefer to watch educational TV programs, research various topics, or surf the net.

While I've had a few friends over the last 20 years or so, we just don't keep in touch. They have their lives, and I have mine. My closest friend is probably a buddy from high school (30+ years ago), but we probably only see each other every 5-10 years or so. I've never "gone out with the guys", nor do I have any desire to.

For that matter, I don't have any close family either. My father and grandparents died many years ago, and my mother has her own issues and cut off contact with everyone. I haven't heard from her in years. Her loss. The rest of my family (cousins, uncles, etc.) live on the other side of the country and we were never close anyway.

Of course, my wife seems to crave social interaction, so I have "tried" to accompany her on occasions to various events. Unfortunately, it's a very uncomfortable situation for me. I have no interest in sports, don't relate to the usual work banter, and generally have nothing to make small talk about. I usually sit there bored to tears, thinking about how much time I'm wasting on gossip and general nonsense, when I could be accomplishing something productive instead.

On the other hand, I LOVE to spend time with my wife. I enjoy taking her out to dinner, watching movies together, working on projects together, going for a walk (which we rarely do), or just talking (which she says I don't do enough of). She's my best friend and all the social support I need or want in my life.

The ONLY time I regret not having at least one friend to turn to is when my wife and I are having difficulties. I really have no outlet when I need to vent, or anyone to get another viewpoint from. But those occasions are rare so it's not an issue 99% of the time.

Obviously, we don't have dinner parties or any of those kinds of social things, but she tries to get together with friends on her own every now and then. More often than I like, but not as often as she would like. But, I realize SHE needs social interaction, so I "try" to be understanding. Still, that's the one area we struggle with in our marriage.

Anyway, I don't have an answer for you, I just wanted to offer a view from a fellow loner. It seems we're often labeled an outcast or need some kind of counseling because the social world seems to think a loner must have issues that need fixing.  Compared to me, maybe your husband won't look so bad... 

Anthony


----------



## Most

Out of all the people we men have to deal with on a daily basis, most of us could care less about having friends. You were born with two things in this world, two testicles/ovaries, and that's all your leaving with. Handling family, work, and day to day life with all the personalities that come with it is quite enough already without adding 'good friends' in the mix. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm very social, love to joke around and can fit in pretty much wherever I'm at(must be a military thing), but those are people that I just conversate with, meaning I could care less about how they feel or what they have going on in their lives when Im not around them. Wife is quite the opposite, but she understands this about me.


----------



## artieb

If this is a serious issue for anyone, the book _Please Understand Me II_, by David Keirsey, might be of some help. Using the Myers-Briggs type inventory, you can do the standard test, and then it has chapters which explain what your score means. What's useful about this is that you can read the chapters for your spouse, and he/she can read the chapters about you.

Often it can be hard to explain what you think to someone whose thinking is very different, because what you think is so obvious it doesn't have to be mentioned is completely alien to them. This book (or one like it) explains things about ESFP in such a way that an INTJ can make it out (and vice-versa).


----------



## Malibu17

I don't have any close friends, because I was so wrapped up with work and my family. I loved spending time with them when I got home. My wife has several female friends, that she talks to and hangs out with on a regular basis.

However, now that my W and I are going through a divorce and my kids are older (17 & 19), I'm more open to developing more acquaintances/friendships...especially in areas that appeal to me.
I enjoy having people over, grilling out and entertaining them at my place.


----------



## Josh145

I receive this criticism from my wife as well, I talk and work with people all day at work, I enjoy going out for dinner and dancing, work out regularly, mix and socialize pretty well when in a group setting.

I don't however NEED to be in group settings, my wife (when we get along) and my kids are more than enough social activity for me on a day to day basis, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or watch sports, I had a large group of friends I hung out with in my early 20's, but left all that behind with the drugs and drinking and I've never looked back and don't want to.

I do think it would be nice to have someone to talk about my marriage issues with, but how many groups of guys do you know that sit and comfort each other through marriage distress?


----------



## humangirl

Is this something he's always done. People don't change too much. As long as he is happy with this life style & doesn't mind if you go out with your friends I don't think theres much you can do. If this makes you unhappy because you don't want to go out alone, maybe he isn't the right guy for you.


----------



## Malibu17

Josh145, your situation sounds VERY similiar to mind, except I'm going through the divorce process. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, go to bars or watch sports either. If I felt the need to discuss my marriage issues, i usually would confide in my dad or brother, since I didn't have any close friends.


----------

