# Discernment Counseling vs Marriage Counseling



## Confused&Curious (2 mo ago)

This is my first post, but I've read through practically every post on this forum. 

Typical story - We've been married ~30 years. Many ups and downs while we prioritized everything in our life over our marriage. Only real problem in our life is our marriage - our kids are good and healthy, no health issues between us, large social network (we got together when we were young), no one else in the picture (ie. affairs, etc.), solid financial situation, & 6 years out from retirement. We are both good people - I think we actually love each other.

Recent events have led me to conclude that it is time to make our marriage our top priority and (hopefully) enjoy the next 30 years. As such, I've proposed a real attempt to go through 6-9 months of marriage counseling to course correct and find a way. My spouse countered (and isn't budging) with going through Discernment Counseling for the next month to decide if they want to stay married. The response surprised me, so I'm struggling with what to do next.

It seems hard to unpack 30+ years together over the course of 3 to 4 counseling sessions to determine if we should stay together. I feel like it makes more sense to give it an honest try over an extended period of time and throw in the towel if we don't think it's going to work. I would be ok with it if we actually gave it our best.

Shockingly, I've found very little information on actual experiences with Discernment Counseling while researching this topic. There's information out there, but it's more brochureware rather than real-world experience.

*Edited to ask my question ---->* I'm asking for anyone's experience with Discernment Counseling? How did it go? Anyone have an experience where they started with a preconceived idea and DC changed their perspective on their marriage?

I'm specifically asking for feedback anyone can provide on this counseling and whether it helped them reconcile or was just a quick gateway/justification to making a decision to divorce.

Thanks in advance with your help. This forum is invaluable......


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Confused&Curious said:


> This is my first post, but I've read through practically every post on this forum.
> 
> Typical story - We've been married ~30 years. Many ups and downs while we prioritized everything in our life over our marriage. Only real problem in our life is our marriage - our kids are good and healthy, no health issues between us, large social network (we got together when we were young). no one else in the picture (ie. affairs, etc.), solid financial situation, & 6 years out from retirement. We are both good people - I think we actually love each other.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM @Confused&Curious. Wow, what a shock. You were ready to lock things down and your SO is “meh, let's rethink”.

Well, I don't know anything about “Discernment Counseling”...it sounds like help making a decision. So I’ll shut up now and just wish you well.

Oh...one thought I had as I read your post. If your SO needs a counselor to help decide whether or not to stay with you...its over. My 2 cents.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

You don't need anyone to tell you whether you should stay together or not.



You two sit down with one another and you each make an individual decision as to whether you personally want to leave.




It sounds like your marriage has been over a long time ago, and the both of you are codependent and just holding on out of comfortability and not compatibility or happiness...


To want to now try to address the major problems and issues that you two have been "glossing" over, tolerating, and ignoring the entire relationship/ marriage 30 years...


Means that it's time to go.. 




Sounds like you just want counseling to try and prevent the inevitable.




Your marriage has run it's course years ago....


Just let it go already..


You both have stayed too long..


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## Confused&Curious (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM @Confused&Curious. Wow, what a shock. You were ready to lock things down and your SO is “meh, let's rethink”.
> 
> Well, I don't know anything about “Discernment Counseling”...it sounds like help making a decision. So I’ll shut up now and just wish you well.
> 
> Oh...one thought I had as I read your post. If your SO needs a counselor to help decide whether or not to stay with you...its over. My 2 cents.


I agree - it may be over. 

After 30+ years, I figured it would be worth our time to spend 6 months sorting it out. We shall see...


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## Confused&Curious (2 mo ago)

Tiddytok5 said:


> You don't need anyone to tell you whether you should stay together or not.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say we've spent all of those 30 years glossing over those issues.

I would say we have over the past 10 while we've been driving our kids up and down the East Coast to meaningless club sports games.

I appreciate your feedback & agree with you in many ways.....


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