# Update...Dowjones



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

My thread was getting a little full so I thought I would let everyone know what the current status of my M is. My wife and I are attending MC on Tuesdays and are doing good. She has begun to overcome her fear that I will leave her, and is making every effort to be completely honest and open. I'm not working as much, so we have much more time together, and are spending it doing the things we both love to do. She is still hugely remorseful, and I still have trust issues, but we are working on them, together.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

good luck dow


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Dow, That is normal. I'm 8 months from D-day #1 and still don't trust. I don't think I have any reason not to trust going forward, but being burned once makes me suspicious. I'm sure it will take awhile for you to feel trust again. Good luck. Keep working on it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Best of luck to ya!!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

The question of the century....These women are remorseful... will pledge their faithfulness forever... will be loyal and have tremendous shame and guilt.... How was the message about what the outcome might have been not able to be conveyed, understood or contemplated before the act? 

I don't f*ck around because I know the pain it would cause and I'd never want my wife to feel that betrayal! 
I don't do drugs because I know what the outcome would be! 
I don't spend my nights at the icecream parlor because I don't want to be a fat pig! 
Why couldn't these women contemplate the outcome before they allowed themselves to be a sperm receptical for some other man!???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

workingitout,
For me my wife was used by these vampires, b/c I wasn't around. Granted she put her self out there, and took their bait.

I have to believe that I could have donated as much sperm as I wanted to, but when I dismissed my W she got it else were and know that I'm banging her more and listening more and doing the tricks that turn her on, I have to believe that I'm doing my best and when I get the same treatment in return I have to believe I'm getting the job done. 

So if my W wants to sleep around then it's her, not me and I can walk away knowing that I,m the better person. I have to trust this won't happen and move on with the same W with healthier behaviors.

As I take half the blame, I have to say " why didn't I contemplate the out come, when I ignored my W. 

I know there is something to say about this thinking, but this is my way of moving forward. Thinking its all her and she has a character flaw, and is generaly immoral is not her and will not help us.
She is better then her past behaviors and she will prove this to me for the rest of her life. I in return I'm better then my past behaviors and will prove this for the rest of my life.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> The question of the century....These women are remorseful... will pledge their faithfulness forever... will be loyal and have tremendous shame and guilt.... How was the message about what the outcome might have been not able to be conveyed, understood or contemplated before the act?
> 
> I don't f*ck around because I know the pain it would cause and I'd never want my wife to feel that betrayal!
> I don't do drugs because I know what the outcome would be!
> ...


I think, WIO, that the situation and the persons (s) come together. If my wife was not infertile, If I was around more often and more reassuring , if the new co-worker had not had some of the same issues with fertility that My wife has, giving them something in common, plus the fact that they were both new employees and didn't know anyone else, then the affair would (most likely) not have taken place. So many things had to go wrong for there to be any affair. BTW my wife was anything but a "sperm recepticle", for him. They had actual sex once, and did not finish. The moment he entered her, she became hysterical and ran away, without even putting on her panties, and she confessed that same evening, so I'm pretty sure that desire had little or nothing to do with it.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> I think, WIO, that the situation and the persons (s) come together. If my wife was not infertile, If I was around more often and more reassuring , if the new co-worker had not had some of the same issues with fertility that My wife has, giving them something in common, plus the fact that they were both new employees and didn't know anyone else, then the affair would (most likely) not have taken place. So many things had to go wrong for there to be any affair. BTW my wife was anything but a "sperm recepticle", for him. They had actual sex once, and did not finish. The moment he entered her, she became hysterical and ran away, without even putting on her panties, and she confessed that same evening, so I'm pretty sure that desire had little or nothing to do with it.


 I don't think your wife really wanted him. He's the one luring her all the time to take advantages of her.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi Dow, My "sperm receptical" comment was metiforical and not meant to be specific to your situation (which, as you know, I've been following closely). My wife also used a condom and was caught by security as it was "going in" and stopped right away. 

My point is that they weren't there to eat icecream. They knew where the behavior was leading. Our situations most likely had nothing to do with "desire" and more to do with low self esteem and emotional crisis. 

My point is more about them having an opportunity to turn back at many times along the way, ie: flirting, intimate conversation that crosses the line, walking out to the car, getting in the car, kissing, removing the first piece of clothing, inappropriate touching......

There had to be a moment's thought about how this would affect their marriage, their partner, their future, their own feelings the next day. It's just very selfish!

It doesn't change the fact that I'm moving forward and doing well. It's just the thoughts that come to me (now less as time goes on). It just changes things forever (both good and bad).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I agree, the wayward spouse has to be thinking, as each action gets closer to the act of penitration. What their thinking, I dont know, but the turning back thing is interesting. In some cases my W continued in fear of being forced, in other cases she just thought the guy was hot. 
I have to believe that I am that hot guy, and in addition preventing my wife from looking else where for validation for being a attracive woman, and the effection all women want. I now can provide those things and I/we can move forward.
I do stuggle with the negitive thoughts of the OM and the sex, but to get through this I have to believe in my above statemant.
I wish I could forget, but thats not happening, so I just stay with the positive thinking and enjoy her company and her love.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Hi Dow, My "sperm receptical" comment was metiforical and not meant to be specific to your situation (which, as you know, I've been following closely). My wife also used a condom and was caught by security as it was "going in" and stopped right away.
> 
> My point is that they weren't there to eat icecream. They knew where the behavior was leading. Our situations most likely had nothing to do with "desire" and more to do with low self esteem and emotional crisis.
> 
> ...


From talking about it with her and the co-worker, I really don't think that sex was intended (at least on her part). If it had been, why didn't they finish the act? They were both drinking and consoling each other and it got out of hand. The main point is/was that I should have been there and she wouldn't have resorted to somebody else's shoulder, or bent sombody else's ear. A young woman with an absent husband , in a strange city, with no friends, and HUGE problems. She needed help and I wasn't there to help her.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> I don't think your wife really wanted him. He's the one luring her all the time to take advantages of her.


I believe you're right, she wanted me to be there but I wasn't.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

but .. that is not the excuse to cheat Dow. she shouuld know that she must not enter the danger zone. and if she needed you, she could call yoou ..


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

There are many OMs who targeted lonely & young married women, knowing their husbands are not around, pretending being an understanding, responsive & trusted friend, listening to her venting, offering her his shoulder, waiting for the good timing when she gets some alcohol, and more alcohol... until she seems to lose her mind because of the drink, lure her to a place/the car to take advantages of her. 
C'mon, that's playboy's old trick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> but .. that is not the excuse to cheat Dow. she shouuld know that she must not enter the danger zone. and if she needed you, she could call yoou ..


She didn't expect/plan to have sex with this playboy, when she realised this guy's true face, she quickly RAN AWAY. She wouldn't have to run away, if there's no force.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I can see the picture that this guy was very insisting in taking her when she's drunk. Luckily she ran away.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

Ms.

i mean she knows that she is married then why hung out with other man.she should have known that danger was lurking at that time.

once again **** the cheaters and no excuses to cheat.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

She didn't hang out with him alone, if I'm not wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> Ms.
> 
> i mean she knows that she is married then why hung out with other man.she should have known that danger was lurking at that time.
> 
> once again **** the cheaters and no excuses to cheat.


She's a cheater in your opinion but not in my opinion.

A cheater wouldn't have to run away from having sex. 
A cheater loves to have sex and plan for affairs. 
A cheat would screw her OM's the brains off happily without regrets.

Dow's wife made a wrong friend, it's her fault, but she wasn't aware that he is actually a pig in a friendly & trustworthy mask to earn her trust, by the time when she's drunk & she found out his true face behind the mask, the sex sense already happened.

She wanted her husband to be there with her but her husband wasn't there. That's why the pig took the chance to take advantages of her.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

People love to blame on the woman for not avoiding the pitfall without blaming the man who digged the pit with a nice cover on the top.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well .. do you have the strong evidence that she ran away. it is still doubt. perhaps if we could see the video then.. we know what was happened.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Yes I agree cheater got no excuses. She's a cheater in your opinion but not in my opinion.
> A cheater wouldn't have to run away from having sex. A cheater loves to have sex and plan for affairs. She wasn't plan for affairs. She was lured by a co-worker to the point, she realised this man who appeared friendly & trustworthy is actually a pig and he's not a trusted friend anymore. She refused to be taken.
> So where got cheating??
> She made a wrong friend and when she found out, it's too late but sorry, she's not cheating in my opinion, luckily she ran away before being raped.
> Cheater instead, would screw the brains off happily without regrets.


woman defends other woman. still you consider excuses. poor


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> well .. do you have the strong evidence that she ran away. it is still doubt. perhaps if we could see the video then.. we know what was happened.


If you were the judge, you would have put all the women in jail, including the ones being raped, only because there's no video to prove that they can't run away. 

If this happened to my own teen daughter, she was lured to have sex when she's drunk and she lost her virginity with regrets. I'm gonna kill that pig.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

why would you kill him if at the beginning she did not avoid this.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> woman defends other woman. still you consider excuses. poor


That reminders me a true case that a young girl was raped in the middle east, people (including women) want to stone the poor girl to die because she's raped and she's considered evil.

Hello?! How about the man who set up the traps???


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

hmm.... because you are woman .. then you neeed to defend them. no problem


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> why would you kill him if at the beginning she did not avoid this.


Are you asking all the victims, why didn't you avoid being lured & raped?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> hmm.... because you are woman .. then you neeed to defend them. no problem



Your judgement on me not accepted.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> why would you kill him if at the beginning she did not avoid this.


Why would I let him get away from this so easily?


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> That reminders me a true case that a young girl was raped in the middle east, people (including women) want to stone the poor girl to die because she's raped and she's considered evil.
> 
> Hello?! How about the man who set up the traps???


raped...means she doesn't want to have sex at all. is Dow wife raped?



MsLonely said:


> Are you asking all the victims, why didn't you avoid being lured & raped?


in this case she was not raped. she went with him and she got along with him well no force to sex. if she was raped, she should scream at that time, finding some helps.



MsLonely said:


> Your judgement on me not accepted.


well, not a judgement but a statement.



MsLonely said:


> Why would I let him get away from this so easily?


so then why do you blame him fully. is there no contribution from her


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

raped...means she doesn't want to have sex at all. is Dow wife raped?

She was seduced by the man when she was being weak with a big frustraction & depression of her infertility. The OM noticed her weakness and targeted to get her in bed when her husband was not around. To plan this, he first appeared to her as a very understanding & trustworthy friend to earn her trust, and he waited when she's drunk to take the adventages of her.

By the time she realised the trap, it's too late, the sex sense happened already. She was very remorseful to her mistake.

in this case she was not raped. she went with him and she got along with him well no force to sex. if she was raped, she should scream at that time, finding some helps.

You're right. She became hysterical & she ran away.

It's a crime sense. If not, tell me why a woman should run away without her panties if she wasn't forced into having sex when she's drunk??

so then why do you blame him fully. is there no contribution from her

Of course I blame him fully because he was the one wanted to cheat on his wife with an ugly plan by putting his dirty hands on people's lovely wives and destroyed people's lovely marriage!!

Alcohol would be the contribution to the whole sex sense. Without the alcohol, the guy had no chance to get her in the car alone.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

Of course I blame him fully because he was the one wanted to cheat on his wife with an ugly plan by putting his dirty hands on people's lovely wives and destroyed people's lovely marriage!!

Alcohol would be the contribution to the whole sex sense. Without the alcohol, the guy had no chance to get her in the car alone.[/QUOTE]

did the alcohol come to them or they came to have alcohol ... alcohol have no desire, purpose or emotion. so alcohol contributed fully on this ... helloooo


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> did the alcohol come to them or they came to have alcohol ... alcohol have no desire, purpose or emotion. so alcohol contributed fully on this ... helloooo




Alcohol not only contributed sex crime, but also domestic violence. When the husband woke up from hang over, he didn't remember that he had beated his wife last night. Alcohol made people lose their right minds, is it news? She was lured into the sex sense when she was at a drunk level. If she didn't drink that night, the whole story can be different. So alcohol did contribute the sex sense.

Her fault was she didn't turn to her husband for her difficulties & depression, and she mistakenly trust her co-worker & turned to him for validations & comforts. 

I don't think she planed for having sex with this guy. There's no evidences about such plan. Sorry, if she enjoyed her sex without running away, I won't defend her. If she has no depression on her medical issues, I won't defend her.

Because she has both situations, she's not unforgivable. That's my personal opinion. 

One more, because she's very remorseful. That made me feel even sure that she's forgivable.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well... this is dow thread .. but we put so much debating here. i am sorry Dow foor this.
And for MS. .... i guess we never be in the same opinion but i respect your perspective.

i think no more debate further .. excuse me


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies

Thanks for your exchaning your comments with me!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I think you MsLonely and lobokies are getting into a protracted debate at Dow's expense (or at least on his thread). Bottom line is that his wife (similar to many wives) was feeling emotionally disturbed. Alone in a strange city, no friends and had self esteem issues. Infertility (having been there before with my wife), can wreak havoc on a woman's emotional state. Dow's wife had some level of depression as well.

Add in a co-worker that is willing to lend support and without Dow's wife's conscious awareness, a bond develops. Most women don't "plan" to have an affair. Because of this new "bond", her brain is creating huge amounts of PEA, Dopamine and Oxitocin. These brain chemicals are more powerful than Heroin. These chemicals, combined with the alochol, depression and the bond with the other guy, caused her to do irrational things that she would never, ordinarily do. (remember when you were all 16 years old and fooling around) One thing leads to another and they are crossing the line! She realizes that this is wrong (penetration may have been the wake-up call), and flees the car. Riddled with guilt, shame and remorse, she tells Dow what happened. Cheating and affairs operate in secrecy. She wasn't caught, she revealed what she did.

According to Dow, she clearly never had a history of promiscuity and this behavior was out of character for her. There was no long term affair, no secret weekends, no plans for leaving each other's spouses..... This was just a really bad, unfortunate turn of events. 

The wife will not have any further contact with OM. Dow has adjusted his work schedule and has a newfound awareness of his wife's true needs. They are also in councelling together. His wife will be completely transparent as she works really hard to reestablish trust. 

Dow's marriage will be like a vase dropped and broken. It will be glued back together, being stronger than ever. The cracks will always be there, but the vase will stay together and be functional.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> I think you MsLonely and lobokies are getting into a protracted debate at Dow's expense (or at least on his thread). Bottom line is that his wife (similar to many wives) was feeling emotionally disturbed. Alone in a strange city, no friends and had self esteem issues. Infertility (having been there before with my wife), can wreak havoc on a woman's emotional state. Dow's wife had some level of depression as well.
> 
> Add in a co-worker that is willing to lend support and without Dow's wife's conscious awareness, a bond develops. Most women don't "plan" to have an affair. Because of this new "bond", her brain is creating huge amounts of PEA, Dopamine and Oxitocin. These brain chemicals are more powerful than Heroin. These chemicals, combined with the alochol, depression and the bond with the other guy, caused her to do irrational things that she would never, ordinarily do. (remember when you were all 16 years old and fooling around) One thing leads to another and they are crossing the line! She realizes that this is wrong (penetration may have been the wake-up call), and flees the car. Riddled with guilt, shame and remorse, she tells Dow what happened. Cheating and affairs operate in secrecy. She wasn't caught, she revealed what she did.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your conclusion! This is what I think also!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> well... this is dow thread .. but we put so much debating here. i am sorry Dow foor this.
> And for MS. .... i guess we never be in the same opinion but i respect your perspective.
> 
> i think no more debate further .. excuse me


I know you have difficulties forgiving your wife as well.
Honestly speaking, to forgive a person, there's no needs for you to look for a reason. It's enough that she sincerely apologised to you & she's repentant.
However, most men must search valid, rational, & logical reasons before they decide to forgive a woman they deeply love. By the time they found good reasons, they have wasted lots of time in growing resentment already.
So I was here helping you guys look for reasons because you guys always need a reason to forgive your wife, being remorseful and apologising are never enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

First, let me thank ALL of you for your help. Lobo, just so you know, my wife has made no excuses, she has never blamed anyone or anything , except herself. These thoughts are from me and from her therapist. Mslonely, she was not lured by the co-worker, because from talking to him and his wife, they have been having troubles of their own, and he (co-worker) was as vulnerable as my wife was. I see it as two lonely people, in a strange city, coming together for mutual support and understanding, and it got out of hand. The drinking and the neurological chemicals, just added to the unfortunate mix. The one good thing about this is that EVERYTHING my wife has already told me has jibed with the facts, and While there has been some "trickle truth", she has volunteered ALL of the info I think that I will need.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Dow's marriage will be like a vase dropped and broken. It will be glued back together, being stronger than ever. The cracks will always be there, but the vase will stay together and be functional.


There are many things I agree with in your statements and with still being in the midst of recovery after having recently within the last 2 months found out that my H of 25 years had an 8 month PA the emotions tied to this are very strong.

However the analogy above re: the vase is very true, I believe our marriage will recover from this and there is hope for others as well. And the pieces will be put back together in a way that from the naked eye you may not be able to see it was once broken. However, YOU will ALWAYS know that you had to pick up the pieces one by one and glue them back together one by one. There was not a magic wand that simply allowed it all happen simulataneously.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

HurtingInNC said:


> There are many things I agree with in your statements and with still being in the midst of recovery after having recently within the last 2 months found out that my H of 25 years had an 8 month PA the emotions tied to this are very strong.
> 
> However the analogy above re: the vase is very true, I believe our marriage will recover from this and there is hope for others as well. And the pieces will be put back together in a way that from the naked eye you may not be able to see it was once broken. However, YOU will ALWAYS know that you had to pick up the pieces one by one and glue them back together one by one. There was not a magic wand that simply allowed it all happen simulataneously.


I prefer to think of it as a house, after a tornado. You CAN rebuild it, and if you are wise, you can build it stronger than before, and more capable of resisting the storms.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> I prefer to think of it as a house, after a tornado. You CAN rebuild it, and if you are wise, you can build it stronger than before, and more capable of resisting the storms.


Even better! I do find myself struggling though. It has been a refreshing change in many ways, but I still have days where doubt or random thoughts take over.

A very big part of our disconnection was sexual. We are in the midst of a 14-day sexual healing, however, I wonder if we approached it too soon. Trust me, we are having a lot of fun and the power of touch is amazing. But then I start to wonder that because after years of a virtually sexless marriage and now we are almost as active as we were 20 something years ago, does he feel that the affair all is forgotten. And now he feels better about himself while I still have the remnants to deal with...

Again, the wounds are still very fresh. We have had amazing sex over the last week or so but for some reason yesterday I started to wonder if that is the only way we are connecting now. 

In a sense I am leary about approaching our long term plans. Just a few weeks ago he said he felt we both would probably be happier starting over on our own. I told him I believe after 25 years of marriage I wouldn't give up on us that quickly. We agreed to no longer focus on the things we can't change from the past but remember what brought us to this place.

However, yesterday and today, I have so many mixed emotions and am starting to feel less confident that we are moving in the right direction and I am starting to get a little apprehensive and fearful that I am setting myself up for a fall.

With everything still being so fresh I am hoping this is normal and need to work through it.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

NC, I can't begin to understand how this must hurt after 20+ years of marriage, It's hard enough for me to deal with and we've been married only 6 years!! I will say , however, that for me, it's day to day. Some days I see real progress, but other days, I remember the pain , or I will have trust issues. I have to give my wife credit, she has been completely transparent and does way more than she has to, to set my mind at rest. The sex has been great, but also she has shown total submission to my concerns.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Our session with the therapist was very good and informative. My wife related how she DID have suicidal thoughts immediately after she had sex with her co-worker, but that our pastor gave her hope that we, as a couple, could overcome this. Her self-image is still very low , so I have been trying to raise it by giving her praise and showing her how much she means to me. She has been doing wonderfully at her new job, so I gave her flowers and took her out to a very nice restaurant. For the first time since the affair, I wore my wedding ring. When she saw it she cried for a long time, but they were happy tears, so it was a great evening.!!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Dow, It's time to be the "best husband in the world" and act "as-if". Make it a competition in your own mind! It's working for me and "us". It's like I've become a split personality. I still have my negative thoughts all of the time, but when I'm conscious, I'm in my "role".

I give my wife a hug at every opportunity (a real loving hug).
I give my wife pationate kisses (the 10 second or more stuff-not what you give to your sister).
I write her a love-letter or card every few days. Sometimes I hide it so she finds it as a surprise.
Date nite alone with her every Friday night.
Date nite with another "happy couple" every Saturday night.
Unsolicited non-sexual masssages.
Time alone every night before or inplace of TV, either making love or just talking (intimacy).
I've ramped up the love-making to a new level. I look into her eyes while in the "act" and tell her I love her.

I'm determined to win "husband of the year" in her eyes. I figure the best way to deal with the affair is to help her realize what she almost lost by messing around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dow,
My reconcilation is going great, but the ring thing is still an issue for me. Its been 10 months since d-day and the ring just lost its meaning for me. My W wears hers, always did. I just need your take on what made you put the ring back on, mabye it will help me.
How long has it been since you took it off?


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

the guy said:


> Dow,
> My reconcilation is going great, but the ring thing is still an issue for me. Its been 10 months since d-day and the ring just lost its meaning for me. My W wears hers, always did. I just need your take on what made you put the ring back on, mabye it will help me.
> How long has it been since you took it off?


I'm glad things are going good for you , Dude. I actually took it off and threw it out in the lawn, the night she confessed, it lay there until she hired a guy with a metal detector to find it, then she put it in my briefcase, for me to find. I had my doubts about it too, so at our first session with the therapist, I asked her about it. She told me that it would show my wife that I am willing to give her a chance, and that it would boost her sense of self-worth, tremendously. Since I put it on, she will hold my hand and kiss it, and it seems to make her very happy, so I guess I'll keep it on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> Dow,
> My reconcilation is going great, but the ring thing is still an issue for me. Its been 10 months since d-day and the ring just lost its meaning for me. My W wears hers, always did. I just need your take on what made you put the ring back on, mabye it will help me.
> How long has it been since you took it off?


The Guy. That is very deep.

I think you know what you are saying but haven’t as yet accepted it. Should be easy acceptance, but it ain’t. Once we “accept our truth” our whole world changes and we can fear that change. Or embrace it.

Bob


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks


AFEH, I'm not picking up what your putting down. 


I accepted the fact that I told my wife to cheat and I really didn't think she'd do it, and now we've both changed. Thats my truth.
It's really great putting time into my marraige, the rewards are way better than the rewards I got from my career. I spent my whole "marriage" building my career, and now I spent the rest of my career rebuilding my marriage. 
I must be getting older and wiser, b/c when I was younger, I sure was dumb when it came to matters of the heart.
So yes, we have embraced the change.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> Thanks
> 
> 
> AFEH, I'm not picking up what your putting down.
> ...


Your ring has lost it’s meaning for you. Maybe you see it as a symbol of being married, much like the marriage licence. And maybe you’ve come to recognise that it’s not the ring or any other symbol that’s important. It’s the actual relationship itself that is way more important than any symbolic representation.

Bob


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Right on, that makes a hell of alot of sence, thank you so much.

I'm thinking of putting it back on, come Feb.12, 2011 (1 year from confronting her) or mabye wait a day, for Valintines Day. Wait, should I wait until March 21st, thats our twenty year anniversary?
Whats your take guys?

Dow, sorry for tapping into you post


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

the guy said:


> Right on, that makes a hell of alot of sence, thank you so much.
> 
> I'm thinking of putting it back on, come Feb.12, 2011 (1 year from confronting her) or mabye wait a day, for Valintines Day. Wait, should I wait until March 21st, thats our twenty year anniversary?
> Whats your take guys?
> ...


Strange I never did need to take my vows in a church but I did because it was expected and what others wanted. A beach or somewhere similar with no religion involved would have done me just fine. I made my vows to myself and my wife, that was what was important, nothing else. It’s what I meant and my word was my bond.

Why wait to put your ring back on? Think on it a few days and then put it on. But only if you are ready. You’ll know. I wouldn’t say you’ve done it to your wife, just wait for her to notice, it probably wont take her long, women are like that, very observant. Then observe your wife’s response. I truly hope you are not disappointed.

Bob


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She would ask me alot back in the day, I told her it didn't fit, (my bad) I shouuld have told her how I really felt. But that was 10 months ago and the ring has not been brought up since. 
She wants to renew our vows in March (the 20th Ann...). I'm leaning towards that time. 
Thanks


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

No sweat, Guy. I always am interested in other people's ideas. My wife asked the same thing, if I am OK with it, could we please renew our vows. I'm against it, for now, but left it open for discussion at some future date.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Just an update.....Things are going really well for us and a lot of the trust issues are being dealt with, by her complete openess and renewed commitment to honesty.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Good to hear at least somewhere else things are going well. Keep us posted


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Glad to hear you are doing well.


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## drastiq (Dec 8, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> People love to blame on the woman for not avoiding the pitfall without blaming the man who digged the pit with a nice cover on the top.


While I disagree mostly with what you've said thus far, I would like to know your opinion on my situation if you wouldn't mind sharing it. I have a thread open now named "Unsure".


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