# Alcoholic husband wants me to love him for who he is



## funnyday

My husband and I have been living apart for 4 months. We been together for 30 years. He has always been an alcoholic and he even admits to it. 

He sent me an email last night telling me he loves me and wants me to love him for who he is and will not make major changes in his life. 

In the last 3 months, i've become a vegan due to a negative test result and I feel great. He refused to cut back on the chicken pot pie. He looks like crap, puffy, red faced and chunky. He has a hard time with sex and even smokes.

I have no desire for him anymore and wish to move on with my life, but my question is, Has he lost his mind?


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## that_girl

It's the addiction talking. The alcohol is talking.


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## Mavash.

Yes he has and he's hoping you will too.


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## funnyday

That was good, made me laugh.


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## Cherry

What do you want? If your H has said he will not stop drinking and you want him too, it will not work. 

Can I ask what made you finally leave after 30 years? Has he ever addressed his drinking problem? Does he have any sobriety during that 30 years together? Is he a sleepy drunk, happy drunk, angry drunk, lazy drunk, etc?

Another thing, the food.. Is this something new? And are you asking him to stop drinking and change his diet right off the bat? I think that addressing his alcoholism would be top, the diet could come later if he's at least willing to address his drinking.

Sorry for all the questions, just curious.


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## funnyday

I finally kicked him out a couple of months after my daughter went to college. And after I got a heart calcium scan. My doctor told me that i have a 60% chance of having a heart attack in the next 10 years. He says its due to stress or it's genetic. I read a book by Dr. Ornish, Reversing heart disease and it's been really super hard not to have a steak but I would like to see my daughter have children.

Now I have always exercised, 5'4", weigh 122 and i have eaten organically for 3 years. We changed to organic food to control my daughter's migrains. Worked like a charm. 

I don't expect him to change overnight. I've begged him for years to quit drinking. He's the kind of drunk that comes home at 4:00, sits his ass in a chair, drinks all night, doesn't do anything at the house and expects me to want to have sex. He's a neglectful drunk.

All i want is for him to quit drinking. Eating vegan is a personal choice and not for everyone. Quit smoking in the future would be nice too.


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## Cherry

Then I would stand my ground, if I were you. I would not allow him to move back home, I would focus on getting healthy myself, which is sounds like you are doing. It sounds like you are looking forward to your future, and he's content where he is in life, drinking and all. It won't work. Maybe if your H see's that you will not take him back while he is actively drinking, it could be his bottom in life. If he doesn't recognize that, you will have to move forward without him or tolerate his drinking, which does not sound like what you are willing to do at this point.

Good luck to you!


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## Laureen

funnyday said:


> My husband and I have been living apart for 4 months. We been together for 30 years. He has always been an alcoholic and he even admits to it.
> 
> He sent me an email last night telling me he loves me and wants me to love him for who he is and will not make major changes in his life.
> 
> In the last 3 months, i've become a vegan due to a negative test result and I feel great. He refused to cut back on the chicken pot pie. He looks like crap, puffy, red faced and chunky. He has a hard time with sex and even smokes.
> 
> I have no desire for him anymore and wish to move on with my life, but my question is, Has he lost his mind?



Alcohol is how we treat the 'ism' and the 'ism' is THE WAY WE (I am one) THINK!! Yes, he has lost his mind, so to speak. The alki is a very delusional person who believes (though he knows deep down he is wrong, he senses it) that their behavior does not affect everyone else. People who have 'isms' have abnormal reactions to people and situations. And usually everyone else has to suffer from the alcoholics 'isms' when it comes out as anger, depression, controlling, manipulative and selfish behavior.

And it sounds to me like he is in communication with alanons. I have great respect for my sister organization. I believe that sometimes the alanons stay with active alcoholics when they really ought to leave. Sometimes, it is a financial necessity and sometimes it is because the alanon really loves the other one and has hope for the spouse to change. But I also know many alanons who threw in the towel and walked out for good. That is what alanon can give you. The ability to take care of YOU!!! 

Do you go to alanon? If not, I suggest you find some local meetings and get some help from them. It is amazing to see the growth in another in alanon. I am a member of AA and I will relay a story that is NOT uncommon... maybe it will help you.

One of my group members came in by way of a spouse in alanon. After the spouse started doing the work in alanon, made the decision to end the marriage. So, that is what happened. And the spouse continued to go to alanon meetings and work the steps. The alki spouse continued to say, "You go to alanon, they teach you to detach with love. You can live with me and accept me just as I am. YOU are the only one who has a problem with my drinking." The alanon simply continued to go to meetings and did the things that were suggested. Eventually, the alcoholic spouse threw in the towel and came to their first meeting. That person is 18 months sober and they now live together, each doing their own program and life is quite good for them and the kids. Alcoholics often need many severe consequences in order to start taking it seriously and become motivated to change.

Something else? The AA in that couple had been refusing to exercise and refusing to quit smoking and refusing to make dietary changes. Well, they BOTH have made very healthy dietary changes due to health issue for one of them. They BOTH quit smoking and they BOTH joined a gym! When one gets well, really well (emotionally and mentally) and knows how to handle their living situation and life circumstances, the other one often follows. And once there is a spiritual/mental change, since there is more logical thinking taking place, people begin to look at the future differently and decide to take health measures more seriously. I cannot tell you how many of us AAs have changed diet and quit smoking since coming in. My home group has about 75 members out of which only about half smoke (I quit recently). Many of us (not me) exercise regularly and many of us eat healthy diets, including me.

It sounds like your spouse is not healthy mentally, emotionally or physically. That is hard to watch. I hope that you have all the support you need and deserve. 

I will keep you both in my prayers.


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## funnyday

Thank you for your kind emails. I am going to my first alanon meeting tonight. I have been living with this unemotional person for so long and I can't wait to start my new life. It's exciting and very scary, being 54.


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## Laureen

funnyday said:


> Thank you for your kind emails. I am going to my first alanon meeting tonight. I have been living with this unemotional person for so long and I can't wait to start my new life. It's exciting and very scary, being 54.



OH WOW!! I am so very happy for you!


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## alex2

addiction is a horrible thing. My prayers are with you and him


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