# How did your life change after having a child?



## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Positives and negatives? (Assuming positives heavily outweigh the negatives for many of you  )

How did it affect your marriage, your social life, and yourself as a person?


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> Positives and negatives? (Assuming positives heavily outweigh the negatives for many of you  )
> 
> How did it affect your marriage, your social life, and yourself as a person?


Do you have about 72 hours to spare? Seriously, it was a major life altering experience.

It was very positive, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Curious_Guy said:


> Positives and negatives? (Assuming positives heavily outweigh the negatives for many of you  )
> 
> How did it affect your marriage, your social life, and yourself as a person?


I answered a similar question to this... 

Here *>>* http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/69951-will-having-kids-ruin-your-marriage.html

I can't say it much affected our social life because most of our friends were having kids too, so we all did THings with our kids... Amusement parks... picnics at the lake... gathering at each others houses....Big Birthday parties, many photos of our kids growing up together.. . I look at some of them now... knew them from babies ..... and feel how old we are getting... those friendships even stronger because of the bonds our children have made...

Our children have greatly blessed both of us... we are more the Home Body type... so they get us out of the house, going to their activities...keeps us hopping...doing...I think we'd be pretty boring without our kids, to be honest! 

That was our shared dream..


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> Do you have about 72 hours to spare? Seriously, it was a major life altering experience.
> 
> It was very positive, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.


Agree!


Does being a mother / father feel "unreal" for you sometimes? For me it does... and that was especially the case when my son was younger and I called myself the equivalent of "mummy" that we have in our language and my husband the equivalent of "daddy". "Mummy" and "Daddy" always were my parents and now it was me and my husband.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree absolutely with those who say it is very much a positive experience.

In our case the first one was easily accommodated in our household so that life continued without very great disruption. When number two arrived and even more so number three it was different. Childcare and child-centred issues became almost totally time-consuming for us as a household. It was exhausting at one stage but we would not have had it different (apart from a few details). 

My one regret is we did not start sooner. Unfortunately my mother had told me it was very easy to start a family, which was not true in our case.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Before being _totally _honest here, I loved my son from before he was even born and will for the rest of my days. This is, however, the reality of how my life changed and how I felt about it:-


I got to be a SAHM and found the mental boredom very challenging.


I no longer got to choose where I would live and ended up living in an a very isolated village - miles from anywhere.


I missed my career.


People tended to think that _all _I would want to talk about was diapers, colic, teething, my husband's career and recipes. I didn't.


After my divorce I found that my earning capacity had decreased and, as a single mother of a young child, I was deemed less employable.


NB, this was in the late 70s / early 80s.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think it depends a lot on a person's priorities, how the pregnancy came about, and a bunch of other stuff. 

In my case, as a teen, I wanted to be a housewife, unpopular as that choice was in the 1980s. However, I also assumed I'd have to work. 

I got pregnant when birth control failed, and my ex wanted me to have an abortion. I refused, and went on to have two more children with him over the next three years. 

How it changed my life: 

- I loved interacting with my daughters. They meant the world to me. However, it brought out some of the sexual abuse issues I had. I found it hard to let myself be childlike and just play, because that tapped into the vulnerable side of me that had been abused. 

- I did NOT love the way everyone seemed to want to tell me how to raise my kids, especially my neglectful mother and my abusive father and stepmother. I built more resentment than I already had, which in retrospect, was a good thing. 

- I did have something to talk about with many people... people love children and of course, it's easy to find common ground with other young parents.

- I did NOT love the way I no longer had time to do anything but work and be with the girls. It wasn't their fault I was with an unsupportive guy who had plenty of time and money to spend at bars, concerts, etc. The ONLY times I went out socially during those first four years was to Christmas parties and Superbowl parties at his friends' houses. I got tired of it, and started going to after-work parties with my coworkers as soon as he and I split up and he'd have the kids when I worked nights. Because I was so tied down, my own friends moved on with their lives (they were also tied down once they got relationships and children) and to this day, none of them was ever really revived. 

- I could not afford to attend college. I could not afford full-time care for the kids and the laws were different then. I couldn't get child support. I ended up letting my stepmother take care of them during the hours I worked. This was horrible judgment on my part. It wasn't until someone pointed out to me that I had put my girls in the care of someone who had never protected me that I realized I was giving abusers free access to my daughters! To make matters more complicated, I later learned she was telling people how she was so young she could practically be their mom, but she was actually their grandma... at the time, I thought she was trying to be cutesy, but she later told my ex she'd help him take the kids from me. She was mad that I'd stopped taking them to her for care. 

All of this led to a downward financial spiral for me. I was making ok money - about double the $3.35 minimum wage and with 8 hours of overtime weekly - but still couldn't afford to keep my car running, pay for an apartment, put groceries on the table, and pay for childcare. I was completely overwhelmed and broke down when I realized that at the rate I was going, I'd never be able to own a home for them, never be able to go to college, and would always be at the mercy of their dad's income. 

I gave him custody so I could join the Army and reach some of those goals, which I'm proud to say I did. Today, I own several properties, earned a Bachelor's degree, and while I'm not wealthy I'm comfortable. I was able to pay for university out of pocket when my daughter wanted to attend, and I can give them a few dollars here and there when they need it. 

However, it meant that they didn't have me as a daily part of their lives for several years. This allowed other people to tell them that I had abandoned them. They didn't always use those words, but the message was always the same... and it had a major effect on my relationships with my daughters. It also allowed their dad's values to take a stronger hold in their lives than I'd have liked. He's financially irresponsible and it seems they've learned to spend on fun before responsibilities the way he does, for instance. (That's getting better, finally!) 

So while my daughters have brought smiles and love into my life in so many ways, I think my unstable life when I had them contributed to many, many hardships that I'd have been able to avoid if I'd been older and more stabilized when I had them.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I became an afterthought. I love my children but it definitely put me in the backseat. I miss the sexual creature my wife was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

We waited until we were married, done with school, and both employed. The first child was a difficult baby, lots of sleepless nights, H and I worked opposite shifts to avoid daycare. Very difficult and destructive to our sex life. The enormity of being responsible for a child was overwhelming at first. We were financially strapped and had little to no social life.

The second child resulted in me quitting my job. H made just enough for us to get by. I had to make a whole new network of friends and support as a sahm, my old work and college friends were on a different path. H was traveling and working long hours to support us, I was almost a single parent. It definitely put strain on the marriage. 

By the third child H had increased his salary, worked less. I had developed a good support system for myself and we really started working on our marriage.

All four of our children are teens now. I look back at those younger years with fondness and pride in how hard we worked to make it work even when we were exhausted. Yes our sex life took a hit and finances were difficult, but we remained a team who worked on our problems together. We tried very hard not to blame the other when times were difficult because in the end we had the same goals; a happy family and a good marriage.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

I don't have kids (yet) and it changes constantly how I feel about having them, 

When I ovulate my "egg" is dominating my brain and I want kids so much.

Other times how ever makes me feel though I really don't want to say goodbye to my free time, my us time with H. 

Oh, hard decision for me, good thing other people have kids and our species are not at risk of extinction. 

My H wants kids so I know eventually we will have them, I am just scared of those hard times all parents are having at some point.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The only positive was my son himself. The marriage deteriorated further, our social life completely disintegrated, financial burdens increased dramatically, leisure time for us and as individuals was almost non-existent, and a deluge of new responsibilities was close to overwhelming.

As much as I love my son, and as wonderful as he turned out now that he's an adult, I did not want to and never want to go through that again, and frankly, if I could do it over, I'm not sure I would - certainly not with my ex, at least.


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## HeartInPieces (Sep 13, 2013)

My life hasn’t really changed since having my son. I still do things I used to do. Given I don’t do them as much. 

My husband has changed. Some of the changes are good and I like them. He's a lot more responsible and overall has grown up. The bad side is he’s become so obsessed with being a great provider that he’s never home and spends little to no time with me or our son.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> Positives and negatives? (Assuming positives heavily outweigh the negatives for many of you  )
> 
> How did it affect your marriage, your social life, and yourself as a person?


If you have a wonderful loving marriage... It will make it better.

If not.. if your marriage is strained... it will make things worse and more than likely, end in divorce.


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

We have found having kids was a good thing, the hard part is dealing with other people with and without kids.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Children have changed my life for the better.

Do not get me wrong having a child (or many children) will not make a bad relationship good or a weak relationship strong but they can be the shared purpose that acts as glue binding a couple together despite the pressures of life.

IMHO having children is the greatest commitment anyone can make, they are certainly the most expensive, time consuming, sleep depriving, worry creating (and whilst they are young) all consuming thing I have done. 

I am very fortunate that my wife and I both wanted to have a large family and were (to some extent) prepared for the sacrifices that that entails. Bringing up children does affect every aspect of your life, they consume time, money, energy and emotion that you could use elsewhere in your life and no one should have children unless they can accept that. 

Being a parent is not for everyone and I would not advice a couple to have children unless they are both sure that it is for them. Knowing how hard it can be even when a couple work together to bring up a family I can only imagine how hard it must be to do on your own.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

For me, it changed my life dramatically. My husband can't handle the new responsibility and he wants a separation. My daughter is only 8 months old. I've heard this happen to so many marriages. Here's my advice:

Know for sure you want a baby and can handle having a baby. They are a TON of work....especially the first year or so when they are so dependent on you for everything. You need to be able to step up and be a father and a partner to your wife. Help her with the baby, support her, encourage her. She'll be tired out of her mind but having the support and help of a spouse goes a long way.

Your life will change dramatically. You can't get up and do things whenever you want to....which means maybe even having to wait to go to the grocery store until the baby is up. You will spend more time at home depending on your baby...if they do well in public or not. Money will be tighter because you'll have more things to buy and depending on your situation, daycare. Having a baby is stressful.

On the flip side, having a child is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Even though my marriage is going down the drain I am so grateful to have her with me. She makes me smile and laugh everyday. Oftentimes, I can't wait until she wakes up from her nap or in the morning because I miss her so much. Having a child is the greatest blessing you can ever have. They are truly gifts from God and cannot be replaced by anything else.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

You cannot choose what your children will be like. We expected happy, easy children. We got two girls who are very complex, sensitive, and challenging. Nurture does not trump nature.

Our biggest mistake has been not giving ourselves enough breaks together and alone. This is because we can't afford regular babysitters. Huge, huge mistake. It's amazing just how invigorating a couple of days away from the children can be. It's also dangerous. I did it once for my wife and she was so shocked by realizing how much freedom she had lost from having children and being married, that I was worried for a couple of weeks that she was going to leave us all after that "break" I gave her.

Part of this was our fault, but we also expected the grandparents to be more involved. They simply are not.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I LOVE being a Mommy. My H and I sometime still can't believe it. I guess we try so long to have a baby that we so appreciative that we FINALLY have one.The book is still out on how she will affect our life since she only 2 1/2 month. The only effect I am suffering from is sleep deprived. She was a low birth weight baby so I'm still under instruction to wake and feed her through the night. Hopefully that will end after her appointment right after New Year. I really don't she need to be waken anymore but I'm just going by what the dr instruct. She seem pissed off to be waken because I change her diaper first but she gladly nurse and empty me anyway and then go right back to sleep.


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