# How many would stay married for kids' sake?



## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Hello everyone, 

This poll was inspired by a poster in another forum.

I know that when I was a child back in the stone age, they cautioned parents against divorce as it would harm the children. More recently, past 40 years, they reversed that and said that parents are best to divorce instead of having children witness a loveless, apathetic or abusive marriage. What is the consensus with regards to cutting edge social theory today?

Is it worth staying married, if you're unhappy, simply for the kids' sake?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There is no way I would. Life's too short to live in misery. 

Anyways, I left my ex. We only had one child together. If I never left him, I'd be a wreck with his abuse and unfaithfulness. Plus I would of never met my husband then. 

Both my husband and I are very happy together. We are great examples for our children.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'll qualify my "yes" by saying that we don't fight in front of the kids or say mean things. We put on a happy face. My wife is fine with the arrangement. My kids are happier with me here than gone. They may know we aren't happy newlyweds any more, but it beats the alternative.

I am the only one losing. It would be MASSIVELY selfish of me to break up my family just because I'm not loved. Perfect solution? Of course not. But better than the alternative.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I chose not to stay in my marriage for the sake of the kids. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

My parents divorced when I was young, it was a trying time and by 15 I was living in hostels. But it wasn't the divorce as such - it was the way they handled it. If you get divorced, you need to think about the kids. Full stop. I know you're hurting, and your partners hurting, but those kids don't have a choice and need to be the number one priority, and unfortunately they're not always. This is where the problem is. If you create a happy, safe environment as best as you can, they'll pull through ok. If you don't protect them or get caught up in your own feelings, things tend to spiral out of control and the kids gets left with the baggage.

Why stay married if you're unhappy? You only get one life. Do what's right for you, and look after the kids along the way. A happy parent means happy kids. Do what's right for your family.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Na. You'll never be childless until either you or they pass on. So at what time is it a goodtime for them to have divorced parents? During college so they can split their breaks up between the two parents. How about the wedding when they have to make sure all parents are included equally. How Deciding which grandparent(s) to take the grandchildren to over the holidays. Oh Crap, got to stay together for the grandkids now. Kids are extremely resilient. The only way I would consider it is if I had special needs kids that required a large amount of care.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then there is the other part of the question..... or answer....

I didn't stay FOR the kids...I stayed BECAUSE of the kids....

I stayed because I couldn't figure out HOW to leave and afford the kids with a husband I couldn't count on to help out financially, and definitely not physically. In the end, he left and I was forced to figure it out. Actually, it was the best thing that happened to me in a looooooooooong time! My new life is awesome!


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Gratitude said:


> My parents divorced when I was young, it was a trying time and by 15 I was living in hostels. But it wasn't the divorce as such - it was the way they handled it. If you get divorced, you need to think about the kids. Full stop. I know you're hurting, and your partners hurting, but those kids don't have a choice and need to be the number one priority, and unfortunately they're not always. This is where the problem is. If you create a happy, safe environment as best as you can, they'll pull through ok. If you don't protect them or get caught up in your own feelings, things tend to spiral out of control and the kids gets left with the baggage.
> 
> Why stay married if you're unhappy? You only get one life. Do what's right for you, and look after the kids along the way. A happy parent means happy kids. Do what's right for your family.


We can't change the past but I think the adversarial system of law has created many unnecessary problems, especially for children of divorces. Perhaps one alternative might have been the new collaborative/cooperative divorce approach whereby participants have an arbitrator/mediator in the room as discuss the terms of the split.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

L.M.COYL said:


> We can't change the past but I think the adversarial system of law has created many unnecessary problems, especially for children of divorces. Perhaps one alternative might have been the new collaborative/cooperative divorce approach whereby participants have an arbitrator/mediator in the room as discuss the terms of the split.


A lawyer does what the client wants them to do. Divorce very often involves hurt feelings, betrayal, emotional disconnect, resentment and poor behavior. People who are hurting often act to protect themselves, even if it is not in the best interests of the child.

A collaborative divorce sounds great in theory, but if a couple can't get along and make decisions within a marriage, it is difficult to imagine that they will suddenly do so in a divorce.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

In this dillema myself.. chossing to stay, amidst our relationship issues, because it was not always bad, kids grew up with inspite of it all, a stable family life. I am not alway s happy, I see that-- but I would rather sacrifice my unhappiness than theirs.. it's a crazy choice but it's one that has kept my kids in line...


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I said YES , , , before I tell you why know this. 12 yrs ago we where separated for 5 and before that we where together for 7-8

The kids have kept us together. We have both said that no matter how much we argue we will not leave each other again , , , unfortunately we argue in front of the kids and I see that they have became argumentative people themselves but that's a diff story. So her is something that has been in the back of my head for a while now. My oldest is 12 in the next few years or months she will not want to be around mom and dad , , , What will keep us together then ?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I said YES , , , before I tell you why know this. 12 yrs ago we where separated for 5 and before that we where together for 7-8
> 
> The kids have kept us together. We have both said that no matter how much we argue we will not leave each other again , , , unfortunately we argue in front of the kids and I see that they have became argumentative people themselves but that's a diff story. So her is something that has been in the back of my head for a while now. My oldest is 12 in the next few years or months she will not want to be around mom and dad , , , What will keep us together then ?


I would also ask you what are you teaching your kids about marriage? "Do as I say, not as I do" is not very effective for good reason. If you argue constantly in front of them, they will learn those behaviors.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> I chose not to stay in my marriage for the sake of the kids.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too. I will never forget my four year old looking out the window at his father passed out in his car and asking why daddy wouldn't come in the house. He thought daddy was mad at him 

Reasons like 'I stay so I can see my kids' and 'i stay because I can't afford to leave' just sound selfish to me. Sorry but they do. When I left I had nothing. Two suitcases and that was it. No place to stay, no job, no money. The alternative was too heartbreaking to consider - putting the kids through years of what would have basically amounted to misery and mental anguish.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

When I was a kid, I used to pray and pray that my parents would get divorced. Very bad marriage.

No, I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage "for the kids." I would fight to tooth and nail to change my unhappy marriage into a happy one so we COULD all stay together. However, if that were not possible...I'd leave.

_I don't think it's fair to the kids to force them to be the glue that holds the family together_, and I don't think it's fair to either parent.

The worst thing about my first marriage ending was feeling I'd ruined my children's lives by being unable to sustain their family unit. They thank me now, and they are still young! But they see how it is to live in a happy family, with happy parents, and they are happier. And my husband now is a wonderful role model for my son...and that is such a relief. 

It's better to live happily! Would you want your children to grow up to live in a miserable, loveless marriage for the sake of their kids? Not me...


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Barring abuse (physical, emotional, substance) or serial infidelity, I absolutely would stay together for the kids.
It's undisputed that children of divorce suffer a whole litany of problems (drug abuse, academic failure, depression, getting knocked up, etc.) at higher rates than kids from intact marriages.
What kind of lousy parent would I be if I chose to expose my children to that because I'm not feeling happy?

Again, there are exceptions, but if it's a simple choice of my personal happiness vs my kids' well-being, they come first every time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Barring abuse (physical, emotional, substance) or serial infidelity, I absolutely would stay together for the kids.
> It's undisputed that children of divorce suffer a whole litany of problems (drug abuse, academic failure, depression, getting knocked up, etc.) at higher rates than kids from intact marriages.
> What kind of lousy parent would I be if I chose to expose my children to that because I'm not feeling happy?
> 
> ...


This logic is flawed on so many levels.

Your 'undisputed fact' may or may not be true - it doesn't really matter if you can 'prove' it or not - because that statement does not take into account a whole host of other variables that probably have way more to do with whether kids abuse drugs or not that if their parents are divorced.

Saying that you would be exposing your kids to that if you split up is like saying that you're going to die in a car crash if you drive. There are a myriad of ways to make divorces amiable and far easier on the kids than staying with a spouse you don't want to be with. If you think you're incapable of maintaining a mature relationship with your ex and kids, then what hope do you have of maintaining one if you stay together??

And what makes you think that your personal happiness is not tied into your kids personal happiness? How many kids that you know grow up blissfully unaware of their parents emotions? 

I would say that exposing yourself to a bad relationship 'for the sake of your kids' is the same as exposing yourself to other health concerns. You won't live as long, you'll have more health problems, your mood will be depressed, etc etc. I think that's a far more selfish thing to do than making sure that you are happy for your kids.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> This logic is flawed on so many levels.
> 
> Your 'undisputed fact' may or may not be true - it doesn't really matter if you can 'prove' it or not - because that statement does not take into account a whole host of other variables that probably have way more to do with whether kids abuse drugs or not that if their parents are divorced.
> 
> ...


Seems I touched a nerve.
Don't argue with me. Argue with years of objective scientific research. Go look up the authors and tell them your theories.

Or bury your head in the sand and pretend an 8-year-old cares about his mommy's happiness or whatever rationalization you choose for justifying putting a parents' happiness over a child's well-being.
Whatever works for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

FrankKissel said:


> Seems I touched a nerve.
> Don't argue with me. Argue with years of objective scientific research. Go look up the authors and tell them your theories.
> 
> Or bury your head in the sand and pretend an 8-year-old cares about his mommy's happiness or whatever rationalization you choose for justifying putting a parents' happiness over a child's well-being.
> ...


Social sciences are not sciences. There are too many variables in those studies and with individual divorces to make any blanket statements about whether a divorce would be worse in a random scenario.

I would stay not "for the kids", but to be with the kids. For the kids implies you are lying to them - presenting the image of a stable relationship that is not there. Staying for them, in many instances, involves making sacrifices that only a spouse should expect, but for a person that you do not love and/or that does not love you. As I would not want my child to stay in such a relationship, I would teach by example and extricate myself (making sure to be around enough). Thankfully, this is very hypothetical for me.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I could do it easily I think........lol. That's because my outward emotional response on a scale from 1-10 is a 6-7 all the time!!

I'm the even keel never yell, never curse, never flip out, 2-3 times in 15 years. Because I enjoy my alone time anway I doubt the kids would see much of a difference except for PDA.....lol. My wife could be mad as all heck........and I'm still "Who wants to go to the park, movie time, wanna go running....?"

My oldest daughter has said more than once "Can I just get a response out of you will you be excited or mad or something!!" it irks people when you have only one setting on the volume button.

I've always been that way we are all different. Also facotring into that is my kids only have 5-6 years left in the house anyway. If they were 1,2,3,4 I would probably rethink that since they won't remember anyway.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

stritle said:


> the kids are the only thing i have in my life that i'm proud of. i'd stay just so i can see them daily.


I understand this. My children became my best friends. I can see them anytime I want. But, I truly miss being around them ALL of the time in any circumstance. Still dealing with that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Seems I touched a nerve.
> Don't argue with me. Argue with years of objective scientific research. Go look up the authors and tell them your theories.
> 
> Or bury your head in the sand and pretend an 8-year-old cares about his mommy's happiness or whatever rationalization you choose for justifying putting a parents' happiness over a child's well-being.
> ...


I argue with years of scientific research on a regular basis. And I certainly don't live my life according to whatever the theory of the month is. I know exactly how the scientific method works.

My 8 year olds cared about their mothers happiness. I wonder why any 8 year old wouldn't. You can bury your head in the sand and pretend they don't care I guess. Whatever works for you.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

For me it is selfish... I want to be around my daughter. She is eight years old. Every night, I carry her upstairs ang tuck her in. When I come home from work, I want to see her, talk to her, ask her how her day was, who she played with at recess...Every night... almost every night, I pick her up over my shoulders and drop her on her bed from the ceiling. She loves it.

My wife and I do not argue. We never did. I wish we would so I could vent. 

I stay not really for my daughter, but for me and the love that I have for her. I want to be the role model for her. In a couple of years, all that my change. For now my daughter needs me around and I need her. Selfish on my part. 

Love...Romance....sex...with the wife??????? Well, I married my best friend. It is a little better than before, but I feel it is temporary.

I like what Sananna said... I will sacrifice my happiness as long as I Know my daughter is happy. My Dad left when I was about my Daughters age... I DID blame myself even though I was a child. It was my fault. I know better now, but it was a long road that at 44 years old, it is still ther hiding out inthe back of my mind.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

After 20 years of being in a miserable marriage and having our kids witness some horrible things, only to get separated in the end I will say without a doubt that, it's far better to end a bad marriage then it is to subject the kids to constant fighting, strife and anger outbursts. 

I know my kids are far happier now that the nightmare has ended.I should've ended it years ago. 

I should've known better. My parents fought constantly when I was a kid. They stayed together and eventually learned to get along but all I remember from early childhood was being woken up constantly by their screaming and yelling. 

So you aren't doing your kids any favors by staying together in a bad marriage.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> I honestly don't know what I would do. I grew up in a stable family home. My parents are still married after 40 years. Obviously I want that for my family, but then if I'm terribly unhappy in the marriage, how can stay for decades in an unbearable situation?
> 
> I know that when I'm unhappy or when my husband is unhappy, it shows on our faces, our demeanor. We don't have poker faces. The children if they're old enough will notice. I don't see how the kids can not notice. Surely there will be the lack of affection, emotional distance, sarcastic comments, passive aggressive silent treatment and other things that children don't expect loving parents to exhibit to one another. So what kind of message do I send the kids about marriage? What if at the end when they're in college they say "I wish you two had gotten divorced because my childhood would have been better had you done that. I'm afraid of getting married because of the example I had from you two."



I have a friens whos parents got divorced after they went off to college. He asked his Mom... "What took you so long. His mom was drunk all the time ans clearly wasn't happy. Dad was miserable too.The kids always knew.


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

Me.... I'm living it now.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

I stayed because of my kids otherwise I would have made a HUGE mistake of leaving over a year ago. We were at each other pretty bad, she had me believing EVERYTHING was my fault and i had serious issues.... after I went to counseling for 3 months as she demanded and being awaken to the fact that sure I have some issues, but now know I am NOT the only one. RElaying this fact to my wife has us both working harder on our marriage and I am very happy I stayed.

But kids do see it. my 10 yr old daughter last year asked me why I was always so sad and i couldn't tell her it was from me losing my identity and becomeing what mommy molded me into. 

Now she asks me why I am so 'crazy" (i decided to jump from a plane this year in the fall as that is what the old me would have done as well as training for a 5k) but happier, and she likes likes this me better as does my wife. We still argue but I don't clam up when she goes on the attack like with the ex'es, I instead stand up and get the conversation backon track. She, my wife, and sometimes through tears, welomed me back, even the other night. Likes this me better then the passive bit.. boy i became, so do I


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

To answer the original question, I considered leaving for some time but there is no way that I could be a part time parent. So I accepted things as they are and got myself to a very happy place in my marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

No I wouldnt I dont believe In the marriage at all costs theory I told my spouse during MC that I wanted to be married to her because I loved her I didnt need to be married to her Their is a difference i believe between needing and wanting


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I was miserable enough to want a divorce than I would divorce. Staying would only put the kids through the hell of living with parents who aren't happy. Plus I saw/heard how it affected my friends growing up. friends I remember used to cry about why don't they just divorce? It was that bad.

Some people think they are doing the kids a favor in a sense by staying together. That isn't really or always true.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

I did stay married for many, many years for my "kid's sake." It was a MAJOR mistake. 

I would NOT stay married for a kid's sake if I had to do it again. 

* I was unhappy.
* My kid was exposed to unhappy parents
* My kid never saw what a good relationship was

My kid and I do NOT get along now, largely, IMHO, because the seeds of bad behavior were planted when she was raised in an unhealthy environment where she did not learn how to interact with others in a civil manner. I was barraged by bullying and verbal abuse by my wife; for 20+ years that's all my kid saw and subsequently has begun to imitate her mother in her adult life.


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## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

Got a no from me. 

I'm the product of a divorce. Mom left my dad as she said he didn't want to be married. He told me she left him.. whatever happened it screwed me up good as I was 5 at the time and thought it was my fault for getting in trouble at school. Took me years to get over it and finally realized when I was 15 that my dad is an a-hole and mom leaving was the best thing that happened to us. 

I'm fine today and will not stay for the kids if things ever get to that point. If I'm not happy, then how can I give my kids happy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I was the casualty of divorce, it was no bed of roses, but my mother and father was a match in hell (seriously nothing in common, they married way too soon -it was lust filled & in those days, parents pushed for marraige to not be sinning).... 

... My step mom is the love of his life, she brings him so much Joy and happiness, and now that he is sick in health, she cares for him in a way that brings me to tears.. it was meant to be..they were meant to be, nothing could have stopped them getting together. 

I had cousins who wished their parents would have divorced ,but instead waited till they graduated, the house was tense and miserable, they hated each other... the kids did not want that, it put a bad taste in thier mouths against the joys of marriage. 

Parents need to be happy. Best to marry correctly...if at all possible, never marry too soon (like my parents)... get to know the whole person inside & out... all their quirks, weaknesses, addictions, dysfunctions , love languages, their temperments, goals & deepest dreams ---before walking down that aisle --to save everyone from misery down the road . 

 I don't feel the majority of us change all that much over the years..... some things like love languages and temperments never change. Be compatible. 

Me & my husband are relatively still the same people we were in our teens. A few changes , accually improvements have come along the way.... but deep within , we are still the same 2 people who found each other in our teens.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Nope. Grew up with that and it's miserable.

I hate divorce but no staying for the kids.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> For me it is selfish... I want to be around my daughter. She is eight years old. Every night, I carry her upstairs ang tuck her in. When I come home from work, I want to see her, talk to her, ask her how her day was, who she played with at recess...Every night... almost every night, I pick her up over my shoulders and drop her on her bed from the ceiling. She loves it.
> 
> 
> I stay not really for my daughter, but for me and the love that I have for her. I want to be the role model for her. In a couple of years, all that my change. For now my daughter needs me around and I need her. Selfish on my part.
> ...


Very well said. I have been trying for days to put it in words. You did that. That's awesome.

I'm moving back in very soon, as soon as we can talk my daughter and explain why I am.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

I could say "Yes" with this qualification:

There are marriages that do not include abuse or misery, but one or both spouses might want out for any number of reasons, often being the case that certain spouses should never get married because they will never be "haaaaaaaaaaaappy" no matter what, because that's how they are.

It's possible to keep things together without getting angry or hurting anyone, but it isn't easy. And I think a lot of couples might have a sort of unspoken agreement to this effect, but what might ultimately doom it is when it just gets too hard to handle or one convinces himself he can deal with a situation but can't face all the private consequences.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> Barring abuse (physical, emotional, substance) or serial infidelity, I absolutely would stay together for the kids.
> It's undisputed that children of divorce suffer a whole litany of problems (drug abuse, academic failure, depression, getting knocked up, etc.) at higher rates than kids from intact marriages.
> What kind of lousy parent would I be if I chose to expose my children to that because I'm not feeling happy?
> 
> ...



I'll go with you. I think one needs to ask if the divorce would be for you or the kids. If there is abuse to a spouse or the kids, then by all means, a divorce would be better for the children than staying. However, if it just because your marriage isn't like the good ones in the movies and because of that your "not happy anymore," then I think that is selfish and not thinking of the kids at all.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

What I have discerned from the responses is that there are two camps: the first feels that they are human individuals first and parents second and so their happiness is paramount to self-fulfilling lives and THEN fulfilling any other roles in their lives (whether or not that is because it will make them 'better' parents); the second feels that sacrifice of their own happiness is acceptable if their most significant loved ones seem to prefer the status quo (and their parent's discontentment). 

What I am gathering is that while the responses take different approaches, the destinations are essentially hinged on one of the two above precepts which brings us to the essentialist question: is marriage primarily a benefit for the individual or for the community? If the first, then marriages may occur with some frequency; if the second, then likely you will see greater longevity in the marriages but perhaps a proportionately higher degree of dissatisfaction/discontentment.


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## dadzanaiG (May 3, 2012)

The answer to the question really comes down to the individuals in the marriage and the circumstances surrounding the marriage...I had to make the sacrifice of staying...If I were get divorced my wife will go back to a life of emotional and mental abuse from her bitter mother and I cannot afford to have my daughter live in those conditions...not the most comfotable setup but there's someone else to consider in this...our child


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

after growing up resenting my mother for the shell of a person she was, and seeing completely through the charade being played out infront of me, absolutely not.

One of the best days of my life was the day my mom came back after finally leaving my step dad. I would have lived in a card board box to have had that woman as my mother growing up, simply because she was actually present.

Seeing parents in a happy healthy realtionship is more important than staying a biological family unit, seeing your parents happy to be living is more important than a stereotypical father mother family unit.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If my husband and I didn't love each other... if we were constantly fighting and it was causing stress for the kids, no, I would not stay married just for them. I wouldn't want to give them the false idea that THAT is how a marriage should be.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

I read the first few responses and felt I had responses to add before I finish reading the others. People talk about it being better to divorce than stay in a bad or abusive relationship. I think it's important to define the question clearly, and the way the question is stated, it asks if you'd stay in a marriage for the kids sake even if you were unhappy.

When staying in the marriage is harmful to the children, the answer should be obvious. Alchoholism with the typical abusiveness, drug use and infidelity.. These are reasons that other members of my wife's family have gotten divorces and I'd not disagree with them.

Even so, the divorce is still harmful to the child, it's not like divorce is good for the child, it's just less bad.

If it's just unhappyness, you are at least (hopefully) setting a positive example of being responsible for the commitment you made to your spouse and by bringing a new life into the world.

It's hard for me to accept, too, that unhappiness in a relationship where it isn't abusive is something you have to live with - it's something which there are ways of working through to become happier.


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## Tryingtohelp (May 20, 2012)

Idk honestly if you are staying for the kids it doesnt mean it can be some excuse and they still need to work on there marriage. Otherwise all they are going to do is drag things out. I have been the child in this situation several times and we can always tell and we become more aware of it the older we get. Stick it out to be married and you will be doing for your kids without using them for an excuse to not get a divorce


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I voted No, because unhappy parents rear unhappy children. Better to have two happy parents who don't live together, but nevertheless put their heart and soul into being good parents.


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## Spadesrave (May 25, 2012)

L.M.COYL said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> This poll was inspired by a poster in another forum.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

savannah said:


> In this dillema myself.. chossing to stay, amidst our relationship issues, because it was not always bad, kids grew up with inspite of it all, a stable family life. I am not alway s happy, I see that-- but I would rather sacrifice my unhappiness than theirs.. it's a crazy choice but it's one that has kept my kids in line...


There is no right or wrong in this that fits all situations. 

If a marriage is not harmful to either spouse, even while they might not be 100% happy, staying to provide a stable home for their children might make sense.

But if there is abuse, infidelity, etc., a divorce might very well be the best option for everyone involved.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Kids at an enormous amount of stress into a couple's life. For myself I know that one of the primary themes we argue the most about is our different philosophies on how best to parent.

But I don't care what anybody else says, the relationship with your spouse is more important than the one you have with your kids and has to take priority. If you can't take care of your marital relationship, your kids will ultimately be the ones to bear a lot of the pain, as a lot of people in this thread have already said.

So, unless there's something else going on, like infidelity or abuse, I'd answer the question like this: Would I stay together for the kids? I would do my damnedest to make sure it never got that far. I'd rather ship my kids off to their grandparents for the summer while my wife and I focus on our marriage, so our kids would have a home to come back to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Kids at an enormous amount of stress into a couple's life. For myself I know that one of the primary themes we argue the most about is our different philosophies on how best to parent.
> 
> But I don't care what anybody else says, the relationship with your spouse is more important than the one you have with your kids and has to take priority. If you can't take care of your marital relationship, your kids will ultimately be the ones to bear a lot of the pain, as a lot of people in this thread have already said.
> 
> So, unless there's something else going on, like infidelity or abuse, I'd answer the question like this: Would I stay together for the kids? I would do my damnedest to make sure it never got that far. I'd rather ship my kids off to their grandparents for the summer while my wife and I focus on our marriage, so our kids would have a home to come back to.


The most frustrating part of this is when one is married to a person who simply will not also make sure that the marital relationship is nurtured. I've been through this. When this happens there seems to be nothing that can be done to keep the marriage healthy and happy.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The most frustrating part of this is when one is married to a person who simply will not also make sure that the marital relationship is nurtured. I've been through this. When this happens there seems to be nothing that can be done to keep the marriage healthy and happy.


You're right. This is one of those things that has to be agreed upon before the marriage or agreeing to live with one another. If your partner is not invested in keeping your relationship healthy as you are, or is more concerned with his/her relationship with the kids, you're pretty much screwed.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I say no. If I couldn't see them without staying married then I would say yes.


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