# Physical touch



## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. A 5 year old and a 6 year old. 

We have always been really touchy and our friends always make comments about how we are like newlyweds. The past 6 months things have been different. There is not my physical touch. I feel rejected by him even though he says he likes when i hug or kiss him. But i dont think so. I have been with him long enough to know. 

Our sex life is ok. The sex is good but we don't have sex as much as we use to. Its like once every week and a half to two weeks. It was a least once or twice a week before. Is all of this just a part of being together for so many years? Being intimate is very important to me and i believe this is what has kept us so close for so long. But it is a deal breaker for me. I feel selfish for feeling that way but I feel so alone in even when he is around. Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed? This smallest thing he does makes me so upset. I have had to get up and get on the couch during the night for the last 2 or 3 weeks to be able to sleep.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sorry I don't have an answer for you but if it makes you feel any better I am struggling with the same thing. I need physical touch and my wife has grown to somewhat shun it (not entirely) and I am asking myself the same question you are...

I am sure others will ask if there is a chance he is getting that need met somewhere else?...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nicole200965 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. A 5 year old and a 6 year old.
> 
> We have always been really touchy and our friends always make comments about how we are like newlyweds. The past 6 months things have been different. There is not my physical touch. I feel rejected by him even though he says he likes when i hug or kiss him. But i dont think so. I have been with him long enough to know.
> 
> Our sex life is ok. The sex is good but we don't have sex as much as we use to. Its like once every week and a half to two weeks. It was a least once or twice a week before. Is all of this just a part of being together for so many years? Being intimate is very important to me and i believe this is what has kept us so close for so long. But it is a deal breaker for me. I feel selfish for feeling that way but I feel so alone in even when he is around. Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed? This smallest thing he does makes me so upset. I have had to get up and get on the couch during the night for the last 2 or 3 weeks to be able to sleep.


Have you talked to him about how you've been feeling? What does he say about it?

If my husband suddenly changed in this way I would get to the bottom of it and find out why before I did anything else.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

I have talked to him and I feel he mostly avoids it and doesn't want to talk about it. He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore" or "sometimes i want you to make the first move". But like i said earlier, he always pushes me away. We just had this talk yesterday and today he was laying on the couch and said "come cuddle with me". So of course I did and within 2 minutes he is asleep. No cuddling at all actually. I was laying down beside. But later if the conversation of no physical touching comes up he will say " i laid on the couch with you". This has been going on for 6 months. He will sometimes go back to his old ways for a day or 2 after we talk but then it never last.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

frustr8dhubby I'm sorry you are going through this. It really hurts.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore"


And 'I don't know' is an unacceptable answer. You shouldn't let him get away with that.



> "sometimes i want you to make the first move". he always pushes me away


Always? Each and every time you approach him physically he pushes you off of him?

Using 'always' and 'never' isn't IMO an accurate description of the facts. If he rejects you 4 out of 10 times, then it's not always.

Nevertheless... the problem is you feel rejected, and he hasn't provided you with a reason for his withdrawal. You can assume he's stressed out, or maybe has some physical health issues or work related problems, but you really won't know until you dig deeper. 

Make it clear to him that 'I don't know' won't do. And initiate more. When your spouse asks you for something and you don't do it, they have an excuse to not do anything for you either. It's not right, but it happens.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nicole200965 said:


> He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore"


He's lying. He knows why he just doesn't want to tell you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I understand exactly how you feel, I know I am a physical toucher, and it would take a huge toll on me if that abruptly started to slip in my marraige. I wouldn't like it at all.

You mention him falling asleep.. not sure of your ages, but is it possible he could be stressed at work right now, sometimes this takes a DIVE on the Testosterone of the man, and the sex life also goes down some -since this is his lust hormone. 

Is it possible he might be having some ED issues and this is keeping him away, as he fears getting too close could lead to something he can't finish? These are the last things a man wants to talk about with his wife or anyone else. 

Yeah.. what else has changed in the last 6 months... any life events? He says he wants you to initiate but it also seems he is rejecting you at the same time.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

It is 9 times out of 10 if I am lucky. He will not always make it so obvious that he is not interested, like turning his head or whatever but the 1 time he MAY do it I can tell he is not interested and he acts like its bothering him when I touch him. 

He is 30 and I am 28.

Nothing much has changed really. In the past 2 or 3 months he has been working more. He is a manager at a store he has had to take on some more stores until they find some help. But this started 3 or 4 months before that. 

I don't ED is a factor. We have no issues what so ever if he just gets on bored with the making out or whatever lol. 

SimplyAmorous, yea when he says he wants me to initiate but then he rejects it. The only time he complains about me not initiating is when I try to talk to him about the lack of physical touch. It feels like it is an excuse or a way for him to get out of talking. He has never been big on talking about what bothers him.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nicole200965 said:


> The past 6 months things have been different. There is not my physical touch. I feel rejected by him even though he says he likes when i hug or kiss him. But i dont think so. I have been with him long enough to know.
> 
> Our sex life is ok. The sex is good but we don't have sex as much as we use to. Its like once every week and a half to two weeks. It was a least once or twice a week before. Is all of this just a part of being together for so many years? Being intimate is very important to me and i believe this is what has kept us so close for so long. But it is a deal breaker for me. I feel selfish for feeling that way but I feel so alone in even when he is around. Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed? This smallest thing he does makes me so upset. I have had to get up and get on the couch during the night for the last 2 or 3 weeks to be able to sleep.


A couple months ago my wife had a private meeting with our MC then the two of them came out and totally banned me from touching her.

Sure, I could have left, but that wouldn't accomplish any of my long term goals. I genuinely feel sorry for her, the woman is troubled.

I would assert that nothing here is permanent and you can certainly bring things back to even better than they were before. But it will take some work.


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## lonelywife22 (Apr 26, 2012)

nicole200965 said:


> I have talked to him and I feel he mostly avoids it and doesn't want to talk about it. He says " i don't know why i don't hug or kiss you as much anymore" or "sometimes i want you to make the first move". But like i said earlier, he always pushes me away. We just had this talk yesterday and today he was laying on the couch and said "come cuddle with me". So of course I did and within 2 minutes he is asleep. No cuddling at all actually. I was laying down beside. But later if the conversation of no physical touching comes up he will say " i laid on the couch with you". This has been going on for 6 months. He will sometimes go back to his old ways for a day or 2 after we talk but then it never last.


This is almost exactly what I am going through at the moment. I know how much it can hurt.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

nicole200965 said:


> Am I wrong to consider leaving if this can't be fixed?


No. For me, at least, divorce is a valid option and nobody is ever wrong for either considering it or implementing it. It's a choice and it has pro's and con's attached -- lots and lots of them.

What I would say though is that I don't believe marriages stay vital "just because". As a wild guess here, I'd speculate that neither of you has been tending the home fires on a great many levels and you have drifted somewhat apart. I think the lack of physical intimacy is the symptom not the problem.

When was the last time either of you sat down and seriously wondered how you might please your partner better... not for the sake of gaining something in return, but simply out of love? When is the last time you had that discussion between both of you?

Have you tried opening up the conversation with something along these lines?

_Honey, I need to talk. And before you get upset I really want you to hear that I love you and I care about you. But honestly, I've been pretty unhappy lately and it's only getting worse. If we can't talk about the ways that we hurt each other (and I have to guess that I've been hurting you also) then how can we ever hope to make our marriage better? Please help me to help us. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week... but eventually, this path leads to divorce and I don't want to be taking any steps in that direction at all. I prefer happily ever after -- for BOTH of us. Please can't we talk?"_


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

lonelywife22 said:


> This is almost exactly what I am going through at the moment. I know how much it can hurt.


X's 3....

At least some of you can still touch...my W recoils at even an accidental touch of our feet in bed. Extreemly difficult for me...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I know you're hurting, and I am sure not trying to hurt you more, but I'm thinking he has started looking elsewhere for his sexual gratification, which is probably due to certain needs of his going unmet. Can you think back to the things that have left him unhappy again and again during your relationship? Maybe he didn't communicate his unhappiness loudly, but there may have been a pattern of times when he felt unimportant, criticized, or neglected. 

This happened to me with my ex. We had sex twice during the last six years of our marriage - I'd grown to feel uncomfortable at his touch, and he'd withdrawn from touching because of it. It was the result of having neglected each other's emotional needs in other ways, though I didn't realize it at the time. Our relationship was very strong in most other ways, but he ended up having an affair. We went through many of the same things you've described. He blamed his medication, my weight, and whatever else was convenient.

As others have said, I wouldn't accept "I don't know" as an answer, but if you want to get to the real story you'll need to make it safe for him to confide. If he expects unhappiness to be the result of talking to you, he'll simply disengage and avoid the subject. If you promise not to get mad, you have to keep your word, so think carefully about how you can respond if you *do* feel hurt or angry if you discover hurtful information. What would you do if he said he was unhappy in the marriage, or if you learned he was having an affair? 

A less direct approach might work best, but it can take longer. How do you show him that he's irreplaceable to you and that he means more to you than anything else? That his touch makes him the topic of your fantasies? If you're neglecting these things, start attending to them right away, constantly, for at least a month. (Ideally, this should be your lifestyle most of the time.) 

If you haven't read The 5 Languages of Love (or haven't read it in a while), it might be a good time to review it.


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## lonelywife22 (Apr 26, 2012)

hldnhope said:


> X's 3....
> 
> At least some of you can still touch...my W recoils at even an accidental touch of our feet in bed. Extreemly difficult for me...


I am sorry to hear this, we don't even share blankets anymore. One night I hid the others so that we had to share and when he came to bed he tucked the blanket right in the middle so that we wouldn't touch. I left for the couch.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lonelywife22 said:


> came to bed he tucked the blanket right in the middle so that we wouldn't touch


Same here although I would throw her out before I left. But I do neither. The question we need to answer is why this bothers us so much and how we can become less sensitive


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't know how any of you stand it. Especially when it's so obvious.... putting blankets between you?? OMG what is this, 2nd grade?

If my husband started doing immature crap like that he'd be out so fast his head would spin.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

We have had a talk about what makes us happy recently. He told me me going places he likes, exercising, playing games he likes. I have done all of those things. We go for walks a lot. I will go anywhere he wants. I try to do everything to make him happy and make his life easier. I do all of the house work and keep both cars clean. If he is off he doesn't have to do anything unless he just wants to. I have told him no to sex twice since we have been married. Those were in our early years off marriage and i had just had surgery 2 weeks before and wasn't feeling up to doing anything. I try to be the best wife and mother possible.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nicole200965 said:


> We have had a talk about what makes us happy recently. He told me me going places he likes, exercising, playing games he likes. I have done all of those things. We go for walks a lot. I will go anywhere he wants. I try to do everything to make him happy and make his life easier. I do all of the house work and keep both cars clean. If he is off he doesn't have to do anything unless he just wants to. I have told him no to sex twice since we have been married. Those were in our early years off marriage and i had just had surgery 2 weeks before and wasn't feeling up to doing anything. I try to be the best wife and mother possible.


What does he do for you?

You sound like a servant and not a wife. Completely absorbing yourself in him and what makes him happy can't sustain you as a person. You also have needs. And if he specifically told you that ACTIVITIES with you make him happy then all the other stuff you're doing goes unnoticed.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

For me... No hugs or kisses. NO I Love You, NO cuddle...ever...

Sex seems forced. I wait for her to be in the mood and I am sure to take care of her first. 

Most nights, I sleep in the spare bedroom. I sleep much better in there. I've given up on her. 

My wife has always been a non-hugger. Never a touch feely woman, even after 20 years.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

I agree. I do everything to make him happy but it is hard when he doesn't act like he even wants me around. Well actually we are fine if we are doing things together. I mean we don't argue while doing things. We have a good time together but he has just stopped being physical. 

He works and supports our family. Sometimes he acts like that should be enough and I should be happy he does it. I am very happy and appreciate it but I still have needs. I would never tell him that me taking care of the kids, house, car, and going to school should be enough because I know it isn't and he still has needs. 

So what do I do?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree with A bit much. You sound more like his servant then partner. In my opinion you should focus more on what makes you happy as well as what makes him happy. Be more assertive in communicating that your needs are not met. Being married and being a stay at home mom, which from your description is what I'm assuming you are?, doesn't mean being your husbands servant. You are his partner and you both are a team therefore your happiness, needs, ect are just as important as his own. Of course he may also be tired and stressed, perhaps has developed a bit of anxiety about certain things... His behavior might seem a bit immature but perhaps its being misread and don't assume he is seeking gratification elsewhere right off the bat. Just openly express yourself and don't try to be so touchy feely anymore. You could read, play games, sew, or something else and perhaps he will get the hint. This is just a suggestion though....


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

As with others, I too am living a life without any loving human touch. Being a very affectionate person, I have suffered greatly. You know the deal, begging, crying, long talks, asking for affection, etc. and you still do not get what you need from your spouse. 

My spouse in an extremely despressed state and barely gets out of bed. I try to cuddle with him there but it feels like I am bothering him. So I went and got an affectionate dog. It is sad, but at least I have an outlet for my need for hugs.

It's amazing, when we first meet our spouses, the sex is good, the affection is great and you think it will always be that way. Then when they get used to us, they stop the romance and no one knows why. Fighting it is useless. 

If you want to stay in this marriage, I suggest you get a dog. uppy:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> If you want to stay in this marriage, I suggest you get a dog. uppy:


Dogs do work wonders.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

Yes I am a stay at home mom. 

I can't handle a dog lol. With 2 kids, 2 cats,, and fish. I think thats enough animals


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

we were always very tactile, he couldn't walk past me without giving me a squeeze, would always be touching

I can practically date the change two years ago when it just seemed to stop - and it was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I knew him well enough to know something was up even though he denied it. When you go from having sex 3/4 times a week to having it once a month IF THAT and having to request a kiss when he comes in from work you're done for

and now we're getting divorced


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

nicole200965 said:


> Yes I am a stay at home mom.
> 
> I can't handle a dog lol. With 2 kids, 2 cats,, and fish. I think thats enough animals


Omg i KNOW how that is... kids alone..... then add animals? Two screaming, rowdy, michievous little toddlers and add a needy parrot that constantly follows you everywhere and you have my situation... lol.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

I think I have been worried about pleasing him and making him happy I don't even know where to start to change that. When we have had a bad week of him rejecting everything I try but then he wants to have sex I almost feel used. But I don't want to tell him no because I don't know if that will make it worse or what. 

He is the only man I have ever had sex with.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If you don't want it.. don't be afraid to say no. You have every right to rejecting intercourse as he does.. regardless if he was your first or not. The first is special.. yes.. but don't be afraid to reject.. it may be he wants to chase you instead of you chasing him...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband hates talking about how he's feeling too. We've been married nearly ten years, have two kids. Things between us got pretty bad after the kids were born, we both got resentful, didn't communicate it and thought the other didn't care. All the touching went out of what had been a very physically affectionate relationship.

Eventually I just refused to take 'I don't know' and 'I'm fine' for an answer, and basically insisted he talk to me, as well as telling him how I was feeling. We both finally understood how badly we were both feeling and how much we had misunderstood and assumed we knew how the other felt. Things are much, much better now, and I think they will continue this way.

Ask him again. Insist he tell you. Find out what's really going on and you can start to work on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> When you go from having sex 3/4 times a week to having it once a month IF THAT and having to request a kiss when he comes in from work you're done for
> 
> and now we're getting divorced


Lack of touch is definitely an indicator of having withdrawn from the marriage. Is he stressed? Is he ill? Is he depressed? Is he cheating? Is he not attracted to you for some reason, like changes in weight or appearance or clothing? 

Don't let this slide with "I don't know". You're clearly miserable and he should talk to you about this. Maybe he just doesn't want to tell you what's up. Be persistent and see if you can get him to talk to you about this. Just tell him that even if the answer is something awful, you need to know why he is treating you this way which is so out of character. If he continues and doesn't make any effort to address this problem, investigate a bit and make sure his attention isn't going elsewhere.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

I finally got him to talk about it. He says he is just tired and that he doesnt have to have a lot of physical contact to feel loved, etc. He said he enjoys us lying on the couch together watching tv or napping but he knew how much i enjoyed hugging and kissing and he would try to do it more often. We will see
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My husband is the same way. How any spouse can just lay there as you are rubbing, petting, doing all lovey type of touching that makes them feel good, and not get any kind of return on it I just don't understand. Just laying there...soaking it all up then...roll over and go to sleep. Selfish.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

yea i know. I didnt rub or love on him this morning. I laid on the outside of the couch with my back against him and he did touching. Maybe this is what he wants? I dont know but he has acted different today. Maybe it will last.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

IDK the sudden shift in affection in and out of the bedroom is a major concern for me. I just skimmed the thread, but have you considered the possibility of infidelity?

If he's getting it elsewhere he may not have the energy for it at home, and he may feel guilty about touching you much.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

nicole200965 said:


> I finally got him to talk about it. He says he is just tired and that he doesnt have to have a lot of physical contact to feel loved, etc. He said he enjoys us lying on the couch together watching tv or napping but he knew how much i enjoyed hugging and kissing and he would try to do it more often. We will see
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But that doesnt really make sense, if, as you said in your OP, he used to be very physically affectionate and then it changed. This, coupled with the drop in sexual frequency, can't be explained away with 'tired'. Something's changed, you need to find out what. Personally I'd be doing some digging into his phone and computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

i have thought he was cheating and have done some digging. I have access to is email facebook and all of that unless he has a different account that idk about. the computer is in our livingroom so i can pretty much see whats goin on. His cellphone is a different story. We dont have a plan. Its just phones that u buy a card for. I bought him an andriod for valentines day. That was a big mistake because i have no idea how to use it. I can read text messages or see who has called and thats it. I know he has apps that he talks to his friends on but i dont really know all of that stuff. The only time i see it possible for him to do anything is at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

nicole200965 said:


> I finally got him to talk about it. *He says he is just tired and that he doesnt have to have a lot of physical contact to feel loved, etc*. He said he enjoys us lying on the couch together watching tv or napping but he knew how much i enjoyed hugging and kissing and he would try to do it more often. We will see
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't accept that. Based on the dynamics of your relationship up to this point, I'd call bull. 

And another thing... you didn't ask him about this to get his needs met, you asked because he isn't meeting YOUR needs. Just because he feels a certain way about it (if it's even true) doesn't mean he shouldn't try for you. That's what you do when you love someone. You give.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

nicole200965 said:


> I finally got him to talk about it. He says *he is just tired and that he doesnt have to have a lot of physical contact to feel loved,* etc. He said he enjoys us lying on the couch together watching tv or napping but he knew how much i enjoyed hugging and kissing and he would try to do it more often. We will see
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The problem with this story is he wasn't always this way. So I'm calling B.S. on it. Keep digging until you find out the real truth because this isn't it.


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## nicole200965 (Apr 25, 2012)

I think there is more to it also. So what do all of you think is normal for a couple that has been together for 10+ years? Do most people still hug and kiss daily?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband and I have been married nearly ten years and together for more than 20. We hug and kiss in the morning when he gets up, (I get up earlier with our 2 girls). We kiss goodbye, always, each time we walk past each other we touch in some way. We snuggle on the couch in the evening while we watch tv or talk. We usually have at least one 'proper' kiss (with tongue!) per day, outside the bedroom. We snuggle up at night to go to sleep. Right now we have sex 2 to 3 times a week.

The only times this has not been the case has been when we are pretty seriously not getting along. Declining physical and sexual contact is definitely a canary in the mineshaft situation for our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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