# How can/ do I marry?



## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

How can I marry (officially) someone whom has cheated on me?

If you have questions about my story, please review my first thread...

We have manage NC and are doing extremely well. We are now living together again, and quite happy. 

I am not talking about anything immediate, but I have figured out that part of our initial issue is that we have not officially married. All this time, I thought that it didn't matter to her, but now I know that she want's a ring. 

That being said, how can I EVER marry someone who has done this to me?

We both love each other immensely, but how can you begin a marriage based on little to no trust.... ever....

Any advice would be much appreciated,

Gfx


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Gfxbss said:


> We both love each other immensely, but how can you begin a marriage based on little to no trust.... ever....


You can't. You must have trust to have a successful marriage. Cheating is wrong whether it occurs in a monogamous relationship or in a marriage. If a person has been unfaithful before getting married, there is certainly no guarantee a ring is going to insure they will be faithful in the marriage.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

My wife had a ring and she cheated...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know how bad her actual infidelity was, but I see she refuses to give him up, in the way of contact---or has that changed

She has a he*l of a lot of nerve trying to say you are controlling, but I guess that is a standard line for cheaters

I do not see how you can want to legally tie yourself up to her knowing she has/maybe will again cheated on you, and if she refuses to give up contact with him, you absolutely cannot marry her

Things become hard enuff when you have been married for a half dozen yrs, or longer, and the mge becomes same old, and boring, etc.---it is then that a spouse with tendencies to want something more/different starts to get itchy, and if this guy is still in the backround even she will go to him

Cuz of what she has done, and may be prone to do again, and cuz of FOO---IMHO you should not be marrying her---live together if you like, or move on, but do not tie yourself to her legally.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

She cheated you because she wants to marry you? :scratchhead:

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and call her BULLSH*T!

After she has that ring she is still going to manipulate you and cheat on you.. don't do it. If you want to work it out with her she has to stop all contact with OM and be totally committed to you and making it work! Don't settle for someone who has hurt you this bad already! Make her work for the damn ring! Make her prove that she is worthy of YOU and a ring.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

If you are both young, chalk this up to experience, a bad experience, move on with someone else. Just make sure you don't repeat the same mistake of failing to deal with relationship conflicts in an open positive way.

Any relationship is a risk. The trick is to minimise the risk of experiencing cheating in your relationship.
Living in a relationship with 100% trust is a wonderful life but, sadly if we fail to know or recognise the warning signs around us and do not understand the effects of nipping something in the bud before the fallout inflicts terrible hurt then, one has just increased the risk of failure in any relationship. 

Listening and acting on the concerns of your spouse /SO is an essential ingredient IMO in a successful relationship. 

I do think some people are born cheaters and lying is part of who they really are with no remorse whatsoever. These people are in it all for themselves, no-one else. A decent person with good qualities needs to be alert to those around them particularly those looking to abuse their kindness and their trust. Because in the end it comes down to people who care and people who don't care. 

If she has shown that her way of dealing with conflict is to escape into the arms of someone else and she is not prepared to change, you have to decide ditch, or keep with her but understand that you will have to continually look over your shoulder and face a future life of heartache, STD risks etc.. 

If she can change and wants to work hard to get you to commit to her and you both openly discuss with complete sincerity that you are both willing to do whatever it takes to eliminate infidelity happening again and as a consequence become stronger as a couple, I personally think you could become married and have a very good future. 

It takes two people to make it work and if both are willing and able to discuss when something isn't working and resolve it, why not get married? You have someone you already love as opposed to looking for someone to love; finding that special person that you want to love may take years and it comes with no guarantees that they have the inherant qualities not to cheat! That may not be a consideration when younger but may be if you are older.

It is a matter of what you can live with and as Lilyana says "she has to prove she is worthy of you and work to get the ring". This is necessary because of all the pain and heartache she has brought to your relationship.

The other man has to be well and truly out of the picture for a longtime, not just a few weeks, months but a long time and she needs to be totally open in everything. 

Trust is earned. She now needs to get back to earning your trust.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Gfx

I have a very similar situation except I am the female and my OH strayed (still not sure what to call it, he kissed another woman.) I was the one wanting to get married and he said not long ago after some discussion that once our youngest was one, towards the end of the year, that he would whisk me away, just the two of us, to get married. I too am questioning those plans now- we haven't spoken about them since the "incident", and I am in a situation whereby I don't want to bring it up in case he's changed his mind, but feel it wouldn't be a good idea when we planned it to happen, ie postponing.

It's only been three weeks since he told me in our case, and he is being very good on the whole with being transparent, making an effort with particular issues, going to initial counselling, but he is struggling with my lack of trust- he feels that because in his eyes he didn't "cheat" (although admits he crossed the line) and "is not like that", that I have no reason to not trust him.

I think there CAN be a way forward, though I too am struggling with thinking that kissing someone else is how how shows me he wants to get married...? I honestly think only time will tell. I think people aren't perfect, they do err, but if it can be used as a learning curve, a point from which to stop, reassess and move forward productively, then it MAY be possible.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

Sorry if I wasn't clear. We were having issues with no contact, but she has now agreed and is sticking to it. She says that she actually doesn't miss talking to him.

She didn't cheat because she wants a ring. We had other issues that we are working on. But I now know that she does in fact want one.

Again, I am not talking anything immediate here..... She is going to have to work for that ring. It just stresses me that I would be starting a marriage with someone who cheated on me.

As far as chalking it up to life experiences, I would probably be on the same page as you. But, we do have a daughter....

Gfx


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

GFX now that she has cheated, it will take you about 2 yrs to trust her 80%, you will never forget and never fully trust her. If you started a fresh relationship, in two yrs you would have known the person long enough to know if you want to marry. Either way you have to take time. Why not start fresh. 

If you stay with this woman, you will always wonder when she will cheat again, she has already shown that she is capable of deception, and selfishness. Why live with the uncertainty and the memory of the injury she did you. In my opinion, if a person cheats and your lives are not yet complicated by kids and finances it is better to get rid of them and start with someone untainted. Why live in misery not of your making. Think very carefully, don't tie yourself to a person who has shown a lack of control and principals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I did not see that you had a child well you are really married in a sense.
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