# my husband is emotionally diatant and it is making me very sad.please help?



## flowers125 (Oct 10, 2013)

hi,

thank you for reading and any insights,guidance and support.

I'm 27 years and my husband is 33years.we are from Asia.we got married 3 and a half years ago.

he has been without his parents since he was a kid.his father separated from his mom when he was 2 and never came to visit.he has been with an aunt since he was 10-11 years and his mom has visited him there.he told me he never had anyone to care about him,he was lonely. 

so when he met me, he said he is happy to have someone to care about him.he stopped feeling alone and started feeling that he has someone in this world too.

i love him a lot and we were happily married.but, any marriage has it's share of fights.so we fought for somethings.these would start as little things and become big.like one day his friend called while we were having some couple time at home and the call lasted for 45min.so that started a fight.and another time he said he will go to work and come with lunch but he came home around 6pm i was angry because he was late, he was angry because i didn't look at his face while opening the door.that became a huge fight. 

after we fight, i would forget it in 1-2 days and act normal but he would be upset (not talking,not kissing,no pet names) for 5-6 days. even after that i would have to ask "are you still angry?lets be loving now" for him to act normal again. so after that i would just forget about the fight.

one year a go, we both came home after work and he was going to fix something and told me to bring a tool. i got it but next day,i asked why couldn't you get it why did you tell me to bring it. so we had a fight and he said you are fighting with me im leaving you.

it turned out that even though i forget about the fights after they happen, he keeps a scorecard.a "stock" of sorts.he remembers everything.

he did not leave. but he is different now.

he used to say " i cant live without you" now he says i can live without you 
he doesn't care if im angry with him
he doesn't say don't cry when i cry
he doesn't say sorry even if he said something that hurt me

in short, he is emotionally distant,reserved. i think he does not want to be emotionally vulnerable because then he will be hurt if we fight.he does not want to get hurt so he has this distance this "wall" between us.i know he had that "wall" up to be away from everyone because he didn't get enough love and wanting love only hurt him.and I'm the only one who got pass that wall now, he has put me out again and closed up. he says he does not think we will last because he thinks i will fight. and he is ready to leave if i fight.so to be able to leave,he maintains this distance.

I'm heartbroken about this situation.i don't know what to do.yesterday he told me that he is ready to try to be close again.but i think he is afraid of getting hurt and that fear is stopping him coming closer. also he has this tendency that once he thinks "i don't want this" it is almost impossible for him to get back from that feeling.

i want to make him feel loved and safe.i want him to be emotionally close with me.what should i do to bring us closer and make him see that couples fight but they don't put their guard up and be distant and instead make up and forget about the fight......

he is a good man.he doesn't cheat.he loves me he takes care of me.out sex life is good.but i clearly feel this void between us. i guess he has not learned how to fight and then forget it or he gets deeply affected by fights.he has not seen a happy couple while growing up and he might be confused about how to handle a fight. 

thank you for anything you can offer. also, any good books on the subject? 

im sorry this is long. i don't know if i managed to explain the situation well. i tried to....:scratchhead:


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I would bet he is very insecure.He might think that
when you fight there is a chance you might leave
him.

You both have to learn to communicate properly.
No matter how much he tries to push you away,
always give him hugs a shows of affection.

I imagine he feels very lonely.He only has you.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

One shouldnt pick a fight with someone who cant fight back. As you say he clearly cant. Most of the ones you mention he may be to blame but 'who' started the fight.


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## flowers125 (Oct 10, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> I would bet he is very insecure.He might think that
> when you fight there is a chance you might leave
> him.
> 
> ...


i always hug him before one of us is leaving for work,before sleeping etc. he hugs me back but there is a reserved feeling in that too.he doesn't fully embrace me its like now he is doing it as routine....


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## flowers125 (Oct 10, 2013)

accept1 said:


> One shouldn't pick a fight with someone who cant fight back. As you say he clearly cant. Most of the ones you mention he may be to blame but 'who' started the fight.


I'm the one who started.i admit that. i get angry and want to talk about the problem but he doesn't.then it becomes a fight. i don't start with shouting.i start trying to talk in a calm manner.but it blows up when he doesn't want to talk. at other times, he gets angry because "he doesn't want to see anger on my face" like when i opened the door and didn't look at him, he would see that im angry even though i didn't say a word and he will be not talking too.then im like "why r u not talking" and its a fight.


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## flowers125 (Oct 10, 2013)

after meeting me he was like "im not alone now" now that i have hurt him he says "being alone is better" i know the part he is not saying is "because i expected love from you and you hurt me too like the rest" it makes me sad and i want to make him come out of the shell and feel secure....


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Can you try couple counseling? Maybe it may help. Sorry you are here. Must be hard to live with someone who punishes you with silent. Have he been diagnosed with any type of disorder? How does he behave out of the home? do you have friends who visit you both. Did he have friends before he married you?


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## flowers125 (Oct 10, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> Can you try couple counseling? Maybe it may help. Sorry you are here. Must be hard to live with someone who punishes you with silent. Have he been diagnosed with any type of disorder? How does he behave out of the home? do you have friends who visit you both. Did he have friends before he married you?


we tried counseling once.didn't work... by out of home do you mean when im not with him? he seems to be talking fine with friends. no we don't have friends who visit. we are rarely home so when we get the chance we like relaxing. yes he did have friends b4 and still does...


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You asked for book recommendations. Two which might help are

His Needs Her Needs

and

the Five Love Languages


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## flowers125 (Oct 10, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> You asked for book recommendations. Two which might help are
> 
> His Needs Her Needs
> 
> ...


i read both these books and didn't find much on how to handle the situation when one spouse is emotionally distant


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