# What exactly does “moving too fast” mean to you?



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m going through a divorce (about 10 months in the making, very contentious), met a new girl about 5 weeks ago. We live at separate locations, neither have us have met the other one’s kids, etc. we see each other about twice a week. We’ve hit it off and have had the ‘exclusivity talk’. We have both taken down our dating profiles. We both have a few days next month where neither of us have our kids and have planned a 3 day getaway. We both took off from our jobs. We haven’t said “l love you” or anything like that. Yet we have both been told by our *single* friends we are “moving too fast”. Our married friends have not said that. For further clarification, we have had the marriage and cohabitating discussion and we both feel the same. Both are no bueno. 

My question is, what does that exactly mean to you? If you want to comment on my current situation, feel free. I’m thick skinned and I’d love to know if I am guilty of “moving too fast”.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you're moving just fine. Seeing someone 1 to 2 times a week in the first 2 to 3 months is a good speed. I gather you're taking your trip because everything inboth your lives are aligning perfectly. It may be another 6 months before that happens again.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Out of curiosity, is this that female you were referencing in the guys paying for dates thread, or whatever it was called? 

The exclusivity talk seems about normal, I assume, 5 weeks in, assuming you've been dating 5 weeks. And after that talk taking down the dating profile seems normal. 

Taking what sounds like a vacation (you said get-away) together (or maybe it's a stay cation? with the current pandemic? or I misunderstood something?). Me, personally, I've never taken a girl on vacation. Granted, I'm probably way younger, and I didn't want to finance a whole trip like that. Assuming you two figured out some way to properly allocate the expenses? I mean...seems a little fast to me, but then again, I imagine you two won't be doing much sight-seeing. Sounds a bit fast to me, like, how well do you know someone after 5 weeks of dating that you can stand to be with them for (assuming) 3 days, 24 hours a day. 
So that sounds a little fast to me, but whatever. I'm also not in the same economic position, so maybe it's normal for people that are older? 

The not saying ILY or whatever, is a mine field. Say it to soon and scare someone away. Too late, and they're probably mad at you. 

Having the marriage and cohabitation discussion? You've had that!? 5 weeks in? I would say THAT, is WAY to early! Like, if some girl brought that up with me after 5 weeks, I'd disappear like Jimmy Hoffa. But, maybe it's normal for that to be discussed early in a relationship at more advanced ages? 

I mean...some things to me sound way to early. 
But I'm from another generation. So unless you're dating someone that's, like, 32 or younger, maybe it's normal?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Broken at 20 said:


> Out of curiosity, is this that female you were referencing in the guys paying for dates thread, or whatever it was called?
> 
> The exclusivity talk seems about normal, I assume, 5 weeks in, assuming you've been dating 5 weeks. And after that talk taking down the dating profile seems normal.
> 
> ...


Interesting thoughts. I’m 49 and she is 48. She’s divorced already (about two years) and I’m trying to get divorced for the second time.
Since she has kids, we had the “future” talk pretty early on. If she wanted to get married again someday, I didn’t want her wasting her time with me.
We both have good careers. She has her kids most of the time, I am fighting for 50/50. Her ex has them for a week in August during a weekend I don’t have mine, so the time if worked for a quick vacation. 
She works in healthcare and gets tested regularly. I think covid is a political scam, so no issues there. 
I would guess she is close to the “ILY” comment, but maybe I’m wrong. We are both in agreement no kids introduced until we get to know each other better. We talk and text multiple times a day, but due to our schedules and kids, see each other twice a week for a few hours. Trying to answer all the questions.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Interesting thoughts. I’m 49 and she is 48. She’s divorced already (about two years) and I’m trying to get divorced for the second time.
> Since she has kids, we had the “future” talk pretty early on. If she wanted to get married again someday, I didn’t want her wasting her time with me.
> We both have good careers. She has her kids most of the time, I am fighting for 50/50. Her ex has them for a week in August during a weekend I don’t have mine, so the time if worked for a quick vacation.
> She works in healthcare and gets tested regularly. I think covid is a political scam, so no issues there.
> I would guess she is close to the “ILY” comment, but maybe I’m wrong. We are both in agreement no kids introduced until we get to know each other better. We talk and text multiple times a day, but due to our schedules and kids, see each other twice a week for a few hours. Trying to answer all the questions.


How does she feel about the fact that you've been divorced twice? I realize she's been through it once, but a twice-divorced person could sound like someone who's not really high on the commitment chart, in which case 5 weeks would seem a bit "fast." There's also the issue that your divorce isn't final yet. What message might she be picking up about a vacation with someone who's technically still married? 

You said you were thick-skinned so I'm just laying it out there, not sugar-coating anything.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Divorced twice? Does that mean you have 1 or 2 baby mamas?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I have 5 kids with two wives. 3 are in their 20’s and live out of state. I have eight year old twins with stbx #2 that I am fighting for custody of.
The vacation was a mutual thing. It wasn’t proposed by one or the other. We are splitting the costs 50/50. She keeps telling me her friend thinks she’s moving too fast, but she keeps telling me she “feels it” and is “going with it”. Neither of us knows what moving too fast really means. We feel we are keeping the kids out of it for know, which we believe is all that really matters.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I guess the question is, is moving too fast or too slow and individual couple thing, or are there universal generally accepted best practices for steps in a new relationship?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

This is the type of question that doesn't make a lot of sense to me to be asking a bunch of strangers. You say your friends think you're moving too fast, so how could we possibly know what they know that makes them think that since we don't know you, and all you can give us is some basic information. But, I can tell you I wouldn't date anyone twice-divorced and babies all over the place, and I would discourage my friend from it too. Maybe your friends feel the same way and think she has more going for herself than to date a man already divorced twice with a bunch of kids. Remember, they know you. They know how you are. They know how you were as a married man, the type of husband and father you were. They also know whatever things your STB ex may have shared with them. We don't know any of that. Maybe they would never say what they think to your face because the friendship is more important since they don't have to be married to you, so they chose another way to discourage this relationship.

I would also be wondering why my friend - a healthcare worker, no less, who should know better - would waste her time with a guy who says "I think covid is a political scam." That's just too narrow-minded to be bothered with, when it's so incredibly easy to see the evidence all around him. Maybe he thinks every government around the world scammed their people, but....every government? Maybe he thinks all previous plagues throughout history were also government scams. Yikes, it's just too much to bother exploring, but there is no likelihood this is a single incident or single example of your way of thinking. People who know you would know if you are generally like that. If she shared your thoughts on Covid 19 and other similar things with her friends, they are looking at her with one eye and wondering how they can either wake her up or extricate her from this relationship in order to save her from herself. Maybe telling her she's going too fast is all they can think of trying. Or, maybe it's a last resort because she won't listen to anything they say. But women who don't listen to reason from their friends and family get what they asked for sooner or later.

Well, it's what you wanted.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's an individual thing.

Since you wisely aren't involving the kids in your relationship right now, and your time together doesn't hamper your parenting, there is no too fast or too slow!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think considering being "exclusive" after just five weeks, and seeing one another several times during those five weeks is just too darn soon. I'm just some stranger out on the internet, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Everyone has all those feel-good hormones swirling around and let's admit it - the beginning of a relationship is exciting, everything is new and the other person is so interesting, blah, blah, blah.

I say give it time, share more life experiences, keep your options open, and just enjoy living. Again, JMO.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You should be able to feel as if you have not missed other important engagements / responsibilities since you've been dating this woman.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

StarFires said:


> I would also be wondering why my friend - a healthcare worker, no less, who should know better - would waste her time with a guy who says "I think covid is a political scam."


Agree 1000%. If her friends heard about that, yeah, they'd tell her she's moving too fast. Because they want more time to convince her that someone thinking that has other screws loose elsewhere. Whether someone has a basis for believing Covid-19 is a political scam or not doesn't really matter. It's going to come across badly to a whole lot of people, some of which would be the GFs friends. @RebuildingMe should pay attention to the likelihood this could be what troubles her friends.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

StarFires said:


> This is the type of question that doesn't make a lot of sense to me to be asking a bunch of strangers. You say your friends think you're moving too fast, so how could we possibly know what they know that makes them think that since we don't know you, and all you can give us is some basic information. But, I can tell you I wouldn't date anyone twice-divorced and babies all over the place, and I would discourage my friend from it too. Maybe your friends feel the same way and think she has more going for herself than to date a man already divorced twice with a bunch of kids. Remember, they know you. They know how you are. They know how you were as a married man, the type of husband and father you were. They also know whatever things your STB ex may have shared with them. We don't know any of that. Maybe they would never say what they think to your face because the friendship is more important since they don't have to be married to you, so they chose another way to discourage this relationship.
> 
> I would also be wondering why my friend - a healthcare worker, no less, who should know better - would waste her time with a guy who says "I think covid is a political scam." That's just too narrow-minded to be bothered with, when it's so incredibly easy to see the evidence all around him. Maybe he thinks every government around the world scammed their people, but....every government? Maybe he thinks all previous plagues throughout history were also government scams. Yikes, it's just too much to bother exploring, but there is no likelihood this is a single incident or single example of your way of thinking. People who know you would know if you are generally like that. If she shared your thoughts on Covid 19 and other similar things with her friends, they are looking at her with one eye and wondering how they can either wake her up or extricate her from this relationship in order to save her from herself. Maybe telling her she's going too fast is all they can think of trying. Or, maybe it's a last resort because she won't listen to anything they say. But women who don't listen to reason from their friends and family get what they asked for sooner or later.
> 
> ...





StarFires said:


> This is the type of question that doesn't make a lot of sense to me to be asking a bunch of strangers. You say your friends think you're moving too fast, so how could we possibly know what they know that makes them think that since we don't know you, and all you can give us is some basic information. But, I can tell you I wouldn't date anyone twice-divorced and babies all over the place, and I would discourage my friend from it too. Maybe your friends feel the same way and think she has more going for herself than to date a man already divorced twice with a bunch of kids. Remember, they know you. They know how you are. They know how you were as a married man, the type of husband and father you were. They also know whatever things your STB ex may have shared with them. We don't know any of that. Maybe they would never say what they think to your face because the friendship is more important since they don't have to be married to you, so they chose another way to discourage this relationship.
> 
> I would also be wondering why my friend - a healthcare worker, no less, who should know better - would waste her time with a guy who says "I think covid is a political scam." That's just too narrow-minded to be bothered with, when it's so incredibly easy to see the evidence all around him. Maybe he thinks every government around the world scammed their people, but....every government? Maybe he thinks all previous plagues throughout history were also government scams. Yikes, it's just too much to bother exploring, but there is no likelihood this is a single incident or single example of your way of thinking. People who know you would know if you are generally like that. If she shared your thoughts on Covid 19 and other similar things with her friends, they are looking at her with one eye and wondering how they can either wake her up or extricate her from this relationship in order to save her from herself. Maybe telling her she's going too fast is all they can think of trying. Or, maybe it's a last resort because she won't listen to anything they say. But women who don't listen to reason from their friends and family get what they asked for sooner or later.
> 
> Well, it's what you wanted.


Wow, you took a lot of liberties with the facts I provided. “Babies all of the place”? Nope. Your liberal feelings on covid have nothing to do with whether or not we are moving too fast. You are now getting into a whole new question of whether or not I am right for her. Valid, but not the question I asked.

I view your entire post as a bash against me, rather then answering my question. That’s okay tho, from some of your other posts, it’s clear you have a gender bias against men anyway.

Thanks for your comments anyway.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think that when people say you’re moving too fast they probably mean you’re forming too much of an emotional attachment too soon. You are getting out of a failed and difficult relationship. You need time to properly heal from that. If you try to form a bond with someone else too soon you will miss all kinds of red flags that maybe you aren’t right for each other. I’m not saying that either of you are bad people but certain things are super important to be compatible about and when you’re vulnerable from your divorce you might overlook those things because you don’t want to give up the happiness you feel right now. You’d be trading today’s happiness for tomorrow’s pain and with two divorces I’d say you have had enough pain.

P.S. I don’t think your view of Covid has anything to do with why you shouldn’t move too fast...but...you couldn't be more wrong. Come follow me at work for one day and you’ll see it’s no scam. When you’ve had to deliver a baby from it’s unconscious mother and then send that Mom to the ICU where she will probably die you might not think it’s such a scam anymore. I say this so that you will take the precautions needed. You are just getting your life back...don’t screw that up!!!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

notmyjamie said:


> I’m not saying that either of you are bad people but certain things are super important to be compatible about and when you’re vulnerable from your divorce you might overlook those things because you don’t want to give up the happiness you feel right now. You’d be trading today’s happiness for tomorrow’s pain and with two divorces I’d say you have had enough pain.


The way you are moving seems perfectly fine if both of you are already free and done with whatever dicorces, and heartaches were there. But when you are still going through divorce, it might be hard to know if this is "It" or is this a rebound. But you did put yourself on dating app early, so that is that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Thanks Jamie and Wanda. I did take about 8 months off to work on myself, read, gym, etc. I didn’t get on to the dating apps until several months into the divorce. I’ve met a few woman, but I saw red flags. I’ve been searching for red flags with this one, but haven’t been able to find any yet. I do realize the possibility that she could be a rebound. She hasn’t mentioned it yet.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thanks Jamie and Wanda. I did take about 8 months off to work on myself, read, gym, etc. I didn’t get on to the dating apps until several months into the divorce. I’ve met a few woman, but I saw red flags. I’ve been searching for red flags with this one, but haven’t been able to find any yet. I do realize the possibility that she could be a rebound. She hasn’t mentioned it yet.


then good luck to you, she might as well be the one right for you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is my pearl of wisdom for the day.

There is no such thing as 'moving too fast'.

The relationship is going to be what its going to be.

Could end after your 3 day weekend. Could end the day before Christmas. Could go 20+ years.

At your ages, you have no excuses regarding unawareness surrounding a relationship. However, that certainly doesn't diminish peoples capacity for self-delusion.
As long as you are prepared to accept one another for who you are, rather than who each of you wants the other to be ... you're on the right track.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@RebuildingMe if you're both enjoying the time you are sharing together, I think you should both have no hesitation in carrying on together.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I believe that if you've healed enough, you won't need the "rebound" relationship. I've never had one. I do not start to date again until I'm sure I'm ready to handle all that a new relationship will entail. When I first started dating my now boyfriend, his only worry was that he was the first guy I was dating after I left my husband and he was sure he'd end up as my rebound. We've been together now for over a year. 

Incidentally, we took a weekend away together when we'd been only been dating for about 8 weeks. We had a blast!!! I'd say that weekend away is really when we got to know each other very well. We talked about SO much, our fears, hopes, dreams, past relationships, etc. That was the beginning of things turning serious for us. I know a lot of my friends/coworkers thought it was way too fast and some even thought I'd be found in a Rubbermaid bin someday but obviously, it all worked out. 

I sincerely hope it does for you too.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Deejo said:


> Here is my pearl of wisdom for the day.
> 
> There is no such thing as 'moving too fast'.
> 
> ...


There is a lot of wisdom in that. Thank you!


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I haven’t read the responses yet so this may have already been said. When one or both start to feel like things are moving to fast that’s when things are moving to fast. It’s something that’s going to come from the person themself, not from some imaginary standard set by whoever in the hell claims to be qualified to make such a pronouncement.

My BF of 3 months and I went through this. I felt things were moving to fast, he’d take it a little slower. He knew what he wanted from him and I as a couple from the get go, I wasn’t quite as sure. I was way more reserved and critical, he was all in shortly after meeting.

What was it that was moving to fast? For me it was the emotional aspect, I wasn’t ready to commit on a deeper emotional level as quickly as he was.

So as far as what does “moving to fast” mean....it means whatever he/she says it does.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Not said:


> I haven’t read the responses yet so this may have already been said. When one or both start to feel like things are moving to fast that’s when things are moving to fast. It’s something that’s going to come from the person themself, not from some imaginary standard set by whoever in the hell claims to be qualified to make such a pronouncement.
> 
> My BF of 3 months and I went through this. I felt things were moving to fast, he’d take it a little slower. He knew what he wanted from him and I as a couple from the get go, I wasn’t quite as sure. I was way more reserved and critical, he was all in shortly after meeting.
> 
> ...


Thank you. To be clear, we, ourselves, do not think we are moving too fast. If she does, she hasn’t expressed that in any way. She has only said she is a feeling “it” and is going with her feelings. It is outsiders who have claimed we are moving to fast. Namely, her best friend who is recently divorced and my 19 year daughter who is concerned that I might find a woman (like my stbx) that will try and drive a wedge in between our relationship.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you. To be clear, we, ourselves, do not think we are moving too fast. If she does, she hasn’t expressed that in any way. She has only said she is a feeling “it” and is going with her feelings. It is outsiders who have claimed we are moving to fast. Namely, her best friend who is recently divorced and my 19 year daughter who is concerned that I might find a woman (like my stbx) that will try and drive a wedge in between our relationship.


I wouldn’t worry about it then. If neither of you is worried about it then there’s nothing to worry about. Go with the flow and if an issue arises then it arises and you deal with it at that time. No sense in introducing an issue (this topic) that doesn’t actually exist. You’ve both around the block and know the deal.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I believe that if you've healed enough, you won't need the "rebound" relationship. I've never had one.


I haven't either. But I have been on the receiving end of a couple rebound relationships. It's very painful. Not just because you've had sex with a guy who acts like he's all in. but also because I had let other things go missing things that may never come around again. this is why I have the 1 to 2 times a week rule in the beginning.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Not said:


> I wouldn’t worry about it then. If neither of you is worried about it then there’s nothing to worry about. Go with the flow and if an issue arises then it arises and you deal with it at that time. No sense in introducing an issue (this topic) that doesn’t actually exist. You’ve both around the block and know the deal.


I agree 100%. I was curious what “going too fast” even means to people. My daughter gave me her answer, which I totally understand. My gf’s best friend doesn’t quantify her statement tho. So I wanted to see what people here think it means. I’m guessing it means different things to different people depending on their life experiences.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> I haven't either. But I have been on the receiving end of a couple rebound relationships. It's very painful. Not just because you've had sex with a guy who acts like he's all in. but also because I had let other things go missing things that may never come around again. this is why I have the 1 to 2 times a week rule in the beginning.


I’m sorry that has happened to you. So these men were players? Did anyone tell you that you were moving to fast at the time?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I was in my 20s at the time. I don't think they were players. Just selfish at that moment.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m guessing it means different things to different people depending on their life experiences.


I think so too.

Relationship fears? Oh yeah, those fears are going to rear their head right away, it’s going to be so obvious. 

I think it’s good that you two covered the marriage and co-habitating topics. If those goals aren’t at least somewhat close that needs to be known right out of the gate.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Wow, you took a lot of liberties with the facts I provided. “Babies all of the place”? Nope. Your liberal feelings on covid have nothing to do with whether or not we are moving too fast. You are now getting into a whole new question of whether or not I am right for her. Valid, but not the question I asked.
> 
> I view your entire post as a bash against me, rather then answering my question. That’s okay tho, from some of your other posts, it’s clear you have a gender bias against men anyway.
> 
> Thanks for your comments anyway.


I can understand you taking offense to my post because I made the mistake of expecting you to read between the lines. Since you didn't, I will point out that I certainly did answer the question that you asked, which was that, under ordinary circumstances, what you describe is not moving too fast. But with the circumstances as they are, such as you still being married, the possibility of your friends knowing how you are, and her friends possibly seeing the red flags, they could be taking the only avenue they see available to them to discourage the relationship. And as others pointed out, it being a rebound for you is something else friends of the couple would see and consider. It's not something for her to necessarily point out. The rebound partner normally doesn't.

I come down on women in the same manner that I come down on men. My responses are applied to the circumstances and often based on common and statistical outcomes, not the gender of the people involved. What you've done is read some post(s) of mine to men that you didn't like and became offended for the sake of all men, without regard for whether you ever saw me come down on women or whether you just ignored it when you read it. That is narrow, as I pointed out, but is not bashing you.

Leaving "babies all over the place" is what I view of a man who has kids with two women and is heading for more since so actively seeking subsequent relationships often bring on more kids. It's the difference between being capricious or being thoughtful, cautious, reflective, and controlled. I left it open that others (your friends and/or hers) may feel the same way because I know there are people who do. No doubt you will again narrowly jump to the conclusion that I'm being biased against men without knowing I have similar opinions regarding women who have children with a bunch of different men.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@RebuildingMe 

I'm going to answer this two ways: for you and for me. 

FOR YOU:
I have no idea what "moving too fast" would be for you, but I will say that you specifically came to TAM to talk about not wanting someone who is afraid to come out of their basement seclusion because of COVID. You put on your dating profiles what you believed and that you'd like someone who felt similarly. You found someone who felt similarly enough that the two of you seem compatible (on that topic) to you. So neither one of you are kids. You have been through a divorce before and thus you know the work that has to be done, personally, to recover from a divorce--you may be ahead of the curve compared to someone who never divorced before. She has been through her divorce and has had two years afterward to do the work that has to be done to recover from a divorce. Therefore, it seems to me that you know you, she knows herself, and both of you are adults and know what you need from a partner. Lots of people have rebounds and problems because they DON'T know themselves or are too young to know what they need from a committed partner. That's not the case here. So it seems to me that the two of you might move faster than a young, newly divorce person. If it seems appropriate to both you and her, then to my mind it's your life and your relationship!

FOR ME:
I never, ever dated more than one man at a time, not necessary because I "committed" to someone before I dated them, but because I don't even date someone until I know them a bit and am at least friends with them and hold them in very high regard. I am in my 50's and hve been married--in both an abusive marriage and a healthy marriage--so I know what it takes to be married, and I know what I need from a life partner. I would suspect people might look at my speed and think I move quickly too. But in real life, I sincerely don't even bother to date until I pretty much like the guy! In addition, dating one person at a time, I kind of start "exclusive" because I want to get to know that one guy! Finally, I do know what I need and what I want, so I go at it like, "Let's see if he's got what I need. He does? Well good, let's see if he's got at least some of what I want. He does? Good, let's see if we have similar values. We do? Good, let's see if there's friendship and compatibility. There is? Good!" and so on. At some point there is bound to be an issue that comes up--a difference--a flag maybe...but at that point I'm not dropping someone because they have an issue. I want to see "How does this person handle their own struggles? Do they lash out? Or do they examine themselves? Do they blame others? Or do they take personal responsibility?" Right? I'm an adult. I can see pretty quickly if someone IS or IS NOT a match for me. I don't need months or years, nor do I need to go through a bunch of people. 

Sooooo...does that help?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @RebuildingMe
> 
> I'm going to answer this two ways: for you and for me.
> 
> ...


That makes so much sense. I think others may assume we are moving fast because they don’t know our backgrounds. She’s been divorced, I’ve been divorced and with both of us approaching 50, we already know what we are looking for in another person. I will also add that the “covid disclaimer” was the best thing (for me) I could’ve ever written in my profile. It narrowed the field to people that shared opinions similar to mine. Thank you for your insight, as always!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

So, I've been lurking but I got nothing for you brah. You've seen my thread, heck, I was catching the feels really early on and getting ahead of myself. Other people might say I was moving too fast, but I saw (and felt!) what I liked. Unfortunately, my dude was like a damn turtle, took his good old time, and is only now poking his head out of his shell, so I envy you two there.


It's not like you're eloping in Vegas (Please say no any time now...), so have fun man. Just tell your little girl it'll always be "Bros before hos", or something less vulgar of that nature. 

Yes yes, I know it's not politically correct and all that crap, but live a little people!  



Affaircare said:


> @RebuildingMe
> 
> I'm going to answer this two ways: for you and for me.
> 
> ...


Affaircare, as always you knock the ball right out of the park with your assessments and your tone. You must be one truly beautiful individual, I adore reading your posts. You always have me at hello... _swoons_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> I have 5 kids with two wives. 3 are in their 20’s and live out of state. I have eight year old twins with stbx #2 that I am fighting for custody of.
> The vacation was a mutual thing. It wasn’t proposed by one or the other. We are splitting the costs 50/50. *She keeps telling me* her friend thinks she’s moving too fast*, but she keeps telling me she “feels it” and is “going with it”. *Neither of us knows what moving too fast really means. We feel we are keeping the kids out of it for know, which we believe is all that really matters.


Does she think you're hard of hearing? This is a ploy to gauge your reaction to her commitment. She's sucking you in.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m going through a divorce (about 10 months in the making, very contentious), met a new girl about 5 weeks ago. We live at separate locations, neither have us have met the other one’s kids, etc. we see each other about twice a week. We’ve hit it off and have had the ‘exclusivity talk’. We have both taken down our dating profiles. We both have a few days next month where neither of us have our kids and have planned a 3 day getaway. We both took off from our jobs. We haven’t said “l love you” or anything like that. Yet we have both been told by our *single* friends we are “moving too fast”. Our married friends have not said that. For further clarification, we have had the marriage and cohabitating discussion and we both feel the same. Both are no bueno.
> 
> My question is, what does that exactly mean to you? If you want to comment on my current situation, feel free. I’m thick skinned and I’d love to know if I am guilty of “moving too fast”.


To ME, "too fast" would be moving in with eachother or getting married within a few months of meeting...but even that type of thing can work out, for the right couple, so I typically don't judge how others express their feelings and how they want to live. As you can see from this thread, yourselves, and her friends, "too fast" is so subjective - ONLY YOU and SHE know what relationship speed works for you both, and the best way to be happy is to ignore other people and just do what feels right for YOU GUYS.

I think you are doing great!!!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Does she think you're hard of hearing? This is a ploy to gauge your reaction to her commitment. She's sucking you in.


Actually, I am hard of hearing in one ear and she knows it. Lol


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's only a small trip together! So even if it's moving too fast, the worst that can happen is you have a bad time, right?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I agree 100%. I was curious what “going too fast” even means to people. My daughter gave me her answer, which I totally understand. My gf’s best friend doesn’t quantify her statement tho. So I wanted to see what people here think it means. I’m guessing it means different things to different people depending on their life experiences.


Did you mention what your daughter's view of "too fast" was? From what you've said, I assume it had something to do with making sure the new GF was fully aware of your relationship with her and you'd have enough time to be certain the new GF wasn't going to have issues with that before you got too heavily invested in the new GF. Something like that?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Did you mention what your daughter's view of "too fast" was? From what you've said, I assume it had something to do with making sure the new GF was fully aware of your relationship with her and you'd have enough time to be certain the new GF wasn't going to have issues with that before you got too heavily invested in the new GF. Something like that?


Exactly, my daughter thought I may be moving to fast because she doesn’t not want to have gf come between mine and daughters relationship. I foolishly allowed stbx do that, but I also had young twins with stbx, so I was caught in the middle for years.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Livvie said:


> It's only a small trip together! So even if it's moving too fast, the worst that can happen is you have a bad time, right?


Actually, I am not even sure her friend even knows about our trip yet and still has said to my gf that she is moving too fast.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Either the friend has said that or your girlfriend is saying that her friend said that. Think about it. You can always ask her friend about her concerns yourself. Might be interesting.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Actually, I am not even sure her friend even knows about our trip yet and still has said to my gf that she is moving too fast.


Well, that's confusing. If you aren't meeting each other's kids, and have mutually determined you won't be living together, and you won't ever be getting married, what's there to be too fast about?

Are you sure this woman isn't wanting to merge your lives and live together in the nearish future even though she told you she isn't?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Are you sure this woman isn't wanting to merge your lives and live together in the nearish future even though she told you she isn't?


It is possible that even women want to wait. My sister wanted to wait until her youngest daughter finish college before getting married.

She was dating someone for several years and the kids would spend time around him. His big event that moved him to remarriage was the death of his mother. 

they're married now. They somehow made it work over about 8 years from first date to marriage.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Well, that's confusing. If you aren't meeting each other's kids, and have mutually determined you won't be living together, and you won't ever be getting married, what's there to be too fast about?
> 
> Are you sure this woman isn't wanting to merge your lives and live together in the nearish future even though she told you she isn't?


Fair, but to be honest, I don’t get that at all from her. She said she wants us to have a “Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell relationship. This is why I can’t understand why people have said we are moving too fast? Maybe I’m just over analyzing this. It wouldn’t be the first time!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, the relationship she referenced is an open one. Maybe she meant that and maybe she didn’t.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Well, the relationship she referenced is an open one. Maybe she meant that and maybe she didn’t.


Wow, I did not know that. I don’t think she meant that. I think it was more along the lines of not married and not cohabitating. I’m not into multiple partners, so something I need to address for sure. Thanks!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Wow, I did not know that. I don’t think she meant that. I think it was more along the lines of not married and not cohabitating. I’m not into multiple partners, so something I need to address for sure. Thanks!


She's been divorced for a bit. Does she really never want to cohabitate with a man again?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Livvie said:


> She's been divorced for a bit. Does she really never want to cohabitate with a man again?


Actually, I don’t. She’d go either way. I enjoy having my own time and my own house and my own space.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

A speeding ticket perhaps?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Actually, I don’t. *She’d go either way*. I enjoy having my own time and my own house and my own space.


_That_ is a red flag, IMO.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would never advise dating while you are still going through the mess of a divorce and fighting for custody etc. In my experience many people, men especially, jump far too soon into a new relationship to fill that gap and make them feel better. Few of these relationship will last. After 2 divorces I would advise leaving new relationships till at the very least the divorce is over and the children's custody is sorted, and preferably for some time after that. Give yourself time to reflect and heal and think about what has gone wrong twice now and put your energies into your children. Third marriages have a terribly high failure rate.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana if you had read the thread you'd know that the OP isn't looking to get married again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Diana if you had read the thread you'd know that the OP isn't looking to get married again.


Maybe not yet, but loads of people say that and then do get married.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe not yet, but loads of people say that and then do get married.


I would think third marriages (and up) were relatively rare...WHY marry a THIRD time...???


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Appreciate the thoughts. Another marriage will never happen. I am very upfront about that because I don’t want to string anyone along. Besides, I have 5 kids already (babies all over the place to quote someone else), I’ve been ‘fixed’ for 5 years. There is no logical reason to chop of my stuff by 50% again. That is a dealbreaker for me. Also, cohabitating is something I’m not interested in either.

Interesting, I looked it up after someone commented and Goldie and Kurt are in a 35 year, open relationship. I mentioned that to my gf, she didn’t know what an open relationship was. After I explained it, she refuses to use them as an example anymore, lol.

Bobert, why is her going “either way” on cohabitating a red flag? I’m curious.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm not Bobert but I'll say: because there's a high probability at some point in the future she's going to want to live with/full life partner with a man again. If she's not against it, like you are, I'd bet a lot that she is going to want to at some point.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Bobert, why is her going “either way” on cohabitating a red flag? I’m curious.


Same as what Livvie said.

I see it as a red flag because she's not against it or firm on it like you are. Right now either seem good to her but living together vs not is a huge difference and not something that is generally "take it or leave it". I think there is a good chance she changes her mind later on.

When did she decide to never remarry or cohabitate? Was it before meeting you, or after? That may have been asked and answered already but I'm too lazy to read it all again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

As an aside, I think "babies all over the place" should be part of your signature now. Twisted humor, please excuse me. It's given me a really good laugh though.

I missed that originally, because I had that poster on ignore.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

bobert said:


> Same as what Livvie said.
> 
> I see it as a red flag because she's not against it or firm on it like you are. Right now either seem good to her but living together vs not is a huge difference and not something that is generally "take it or leave it". I think there is a good chance she changes her mind later on.
> 
> When did she decide to never remarry or cohabitate? Was it before meeting you, or after? That may have been asked and answered already but I'm too lazy to read it all again.


Thanks Livvie and bobert. Seems like you both were coming from the same place. Thinking back on it, I mentioned it prior to our first date, which was about a week or so when we were first talking. She asked me my thoughts on marriage. I was very upfront and she agreed and said she feels the same way. She is 48 with three boys. I told her that I wouldn’t be interested in cohabitating with someone else either. She said she doesn’t have strong feelings one way or the other. She did say that she liked her space and coming home to a clean house. That’s when she mentioned the Goldie and Kurt relationship and said that’s what she wanted (minus the open part). So to answer your question, all of this came out in our first initial discussions prior to us meeting. Now, over a month later, we still talk about it and we still agree. However, I suppose she can change her mind down the road. I understand that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Actually, I think Goldie and Kurt do live together but they probably have an extra house or so and may not always be in the same one at the same time. And they likely have different interests (he hunts a lot IIRC) so possibly don’t spend a lot of time together when it’s added up. More than a few people I know who are in long relationships/marriages don’t really spend much time together. Space (along with a second home) is a good thing.


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