# Well, that went well...



## blahblahblah

Saw my wife for the first time in 2 months last night.

We have been separated, no cheating, no abuse, just really kinda got miserable with each other and something had to change... and while the first month was pretty hard... She was talking divorce... I went total no contact, and in the past few weeks we have started talking again, and very carefully, and with a little hesitation bringing up the idea of trying to reconcile.


So we finally decide to meet.


First 10min are a little awkward, but we agreed it was very nice to see each other again.

After 2 hours of nonstop awesomeness... Laughing, talking, no negativity, no relationship talk, just good times and smiles all around, we head out to leave...


We have a few seconds standing there... I stick out my cheek hoping I can get a kiss on the cheek, totally nervous... She does... A few times, and then just starts smooching me on the mouth... My heart jumped.


We are going to see each other again soon, and she emailed me today and told me what an awesome time she had.

Wish me luck, eh?


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## HappyAtLast

I was so happy when I read this-I almost cried. Kinda reminds me of my H and I. I'm just hoping that we can get back together one of these days. And like you and your wife, we got kinda miserable with each other-too much fighting, along with his EA.
Good luck-I'm wishing you two all of the best.


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## blahblahblah

I have a lot of weird emotions about it right now. I'm really pleased with how that went, but I'm also pretty unsure of how I should take it.

Lotsa possibilities here... She could just be confused, and I could be on my way to being hurt again.


I'm just trying to stay cool about the whole thing. 

I wonder if I should contact her again, or wait for her to contact me?

I dunno!!!

I feel like a teenager again who just had a first date with a chick he's really into, but doesn't know how to proceed!


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## 63Vino

:')

killer!


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## blahblahblah

I'm going back and forth tonight about texting her to see if she would like to get together again soon.

She hardly ever contacts me, so I have this strange feeling telling me I need to wait for her to initiate.

But at the same time, I am a gentleman who understands the rules of courtship!

Women liked to be chased, right?


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> I'm going back and forth tonight about texting her to see if she would like to get together again soon.
> 
> She hardly ever contacts me, so I have this strange feeling telling me I need to wait for her to initiate.
> 
> But at the same time, I am a gentleman who understands the rules of courtship!
> 
> Women liked to be chased, right?


Of course they do. This is a little different though you know that. I think its ok if you send a text/email, saying you dont want to be pushy but really felt nice the other night and you're hoping to get to know her more (you can pretend a little that you're totally at the beginning).

Say that because you want to respect her space you will wait for her to let you know if she wants more but you REALLY do!!

How's that?


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## blahblahblah

Yeah, I hear you.

I was gonna just text and say I hope she had a good weekend, and I would really like to see her again.

That was it.

Figured it was innocent enough.

And... She kinda made it clear the other night that I should never feel bad about talking to her, so theres that.

On the other hand though... I hardly ever hear from HER... And that kinda bothers me.


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## 63Vino

So thats kinda the reason for the "prompt" making sure she knows your being respectful but desiring at the same time. 
So she knows you want her but she needs to take a step to contact you back (because you're being repectful).

This way, you're getting the feedback that, "she wants you" and you're not getting too far, setting yourself up for hurt.


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## blahblahblah

You make a lot of sense...

Ok, I shall text her later tonight, and we'll see how she responds.


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## blahblahblah

She happily accepted my invitation.


This is going swimmingly, so far.


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> She happily accepted my invitation.
> 
> This is going swimmingly, so far.


ha NICE! Just "keep yer pants on" (be patient) keep respecting her and strive to know her better than you ever did.

dont think of her as your wife, think of her as a brand new woman in your life. 

So happy for you.


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## blahblahblah

I'm on it!

Thanks!


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## sicksicksick

I'm cheering for you man, goodluck!


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## blahblahblah

Thanks!

I'm cheering for me, too.

Totally nervous to see her again, though.


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## blahblahblah

Hey so I need some advice on something... 

*looks at 63Vino.

Kidding... Of course anyone is open to tell me what they think.


When this first happened, I mean, like when we were officially splitting up, I asked if there was another guy. She said no, and I left it at that.

I know now, that if there was another guy, she probably wouldn't have just told me right then and there in the heat of battle.

I had done some internet stalking, along with gently trying to get it out of her friends a month or so ago, because, well, if there WAS another guy, that would basically be a deal breaker for me. I think a part of me was almost hoping to find that out so I could just say "screw it" and move on.

I found nothing.

No-thing.

I'm not talking about her having too much to drink and sleeping with someone, btw... If that happens, it happens, lord knows I have been close a few times in the last month... But ive resisted. I'm talking about her actually seeing someone, going on dates, all that stuff.

And now with the way things are going between her and I, it sure doesn't seem like there ever was another guy. She is a good person, and has a good heart, and I really just can't see her stringing me along like this and seeing someone else on the side at the same time.

HOWEVER... You never know, do you?


So my question is this...


Do I even bother to ask if there is someone else in the picture right now? And if so, how the hell do I do that with things seeming to be going so good between us? I mean, I dont want to offend her, you know? I dont want to have things be going so good between us and then I bust in there all "WHO ELSE IS THERE TELL ME DAMMIT!!!" and ruin everything.

OR...


Do I just let it go... Trusting her and trusting my internet Sherlock Holmes-ing and my gut that there is nobody else and just never even bring it up to her?


Thing is... If she is seeing someone else, along with me, I would walk, no questions asked.

Whachy'all think?


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## 63Vino

Get over yourself!!!
hahaha

Treat her as if this is a completely new situation. Would you ask some girl that you were just dating if there was someone else? No.. you wouldnt. So dont now.

You're not together and it could be worse.. you could be not seeing her at all.
She could be seeing someone? Yes. This means you walK? Thats just ego, hence the "get over yourself" comment".

Take it one step at a time. Be aware that it might, in the end, not go your way. But by the same token, learn all you can about her. Dont take anything for granted. Treat her with respect. 

Do you love her or not?

You could say something cute.. like... "Gee I'm really falling for you.. I sure hope you dont have a boyfriend". respect her right to actually have one though!!!


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## blahblahblah

Heh, well thanks for the big fat dose of reality.

I get you.


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## morningdew

I'm so happy reading this! 

I had just met my H again tonight and it was weird, awkward but when we did kissed goodbye it felt almost like a first kiss again. Yours went a lot smoother than mine LOL. 

I wish you two all the best!


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## blahblahblah

Thanks!

We actually talked today about "us" for the first time in months.

It was very brief.


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> Thanks!
> 
> We actually talked today about "us" for the first time in months.
> 
> It was very brief.
> 
> I told her I had no idea what was going on between us right now, but it felt nice, whatever it was.
> 
> She said she has no idea whats going on either... And her exact quote to me was...
> 
> "But whatever it is, I am not scared of it".
> 
> I took that as a good thing.


Nice...of course! Very exciting!!!
Thats so kool!!

Hook her a scond time from scratch...thats sweet!!!


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## blahblahblah

So yeah...

Today was good, but weird.


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## blahblahblah

Ok, well, reconcilliation off, it seems.


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## 63Vino

ok blablablablablablabla


Sorry to hear that. But be open ok? I sense an urgency on your part to always "figure it out" to "know" where you are or going to be. I know it all sucks and is hard. 
Try to relax a bit.. I dont mean "take it lightly", just take it as it comes.... Dont strive to be at a certain point. It may be too much pressure for her. It seemed like it was on a good tract. Stop worrying about being hurt. Be open honest and let it come to you so to speak. I could be way off pal... Im just writing from how i read your text. 
She sure seemed open and happy, just half a week ago.. You're at a fragile time. 

I hope the best for you bud... go easy a bit, let her know you're sorry, you just love her a lot. Tell her you'll ease up and try to just take it as it comes..
If none of this is resonating.. sorry. Like i said, just responding to what i sense through your other posts.

All the best bud,,, no matter how it goes.


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## blahblahblah

No, I hear you, and I think you are pretty much right on point.

I do feel like I have to figure everything out, and I feel like I have to know exactly what direction everything is going at all times, and I just cant with this situation, and it drives me crazy.

So I feel as though I should elaborate on today.

I sent her a message in IM... I really just wanted to see how she felt about what happened yesterday. I wanted to know what she thought.

She kinda flipped out...


She told me I was trying to make her my girlfriend... Obviously regarding the comment I made yesterday, which I immediatly regretted saying as soon as it came out of my mouth, and I apologized for it immediatly and just told her I was caught in a moment and it came out.

She told me that she is really only caring about herself now, and probably will be for a while.

She said "I am afraid that as soon as I get happy again, someone is going to get hurt"

I honestly have no idea what that meant.

BUT...


Then I asked her... "Well, do you like spending time with me? Do you like being around me? Do you want to see me again?"

And she said "YES"


And I said, "ok, then were all good right now"


I have no idea how to proceed now.


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> No, I hear you, and I think you are pretty much right on point.
> 
> I do feel like I have to figure everything out, and I feel like I have to know exactly what direction everything is going at all times, and I just cant with this situation, and it drives me crazy.
> 
> So I feel as though I should elaborate on today.
> 
> I sent her a message in IM... I really just wanted to see how she felt about what happened yesterday. I wanted to know what she thought.
> 
> She kinda flipped out...
> 
> 
> She told me I was trying to make her my girlfriend... Obviously regarding the comment I made yesterday, which I immediatly regretted saying as soon as it came out of my mouth, and I apologized for it immediatly and just told her I was caught in a moment and it came out.
> 
> She told me that she is really only caring about herself now, and probably will be for a while.
> 
> She said "I am afraid that as soon as I get happy again, someone is going to get hurt"
> 
> I honestly have no idea what that meant.
> 
> BUT...
> 
> 
> Then I asked her... "Well, do you like spending time with me? Do you like being around me? Do you want to see me again?"
> 
> And she said "YES"
> 
> 
> And I said, "ok, then were all good right now"
> 
> 
> I have no idea how to proceed now.



Just be straight up.

"Ok, you know i care, I am willing to ease up a bit and just get to know you as if everything were new, Sorry if i come off as pushy,,,, you are my kinda girl though. Tell you what, is it ok we still spend some time together? if yes, then I promise to not pressure you and jsut enjoy each others company. Im certainly glad you're working on yourself and suport that 100%, Whatever comes out of that... if you are happy then i cannot be anything but happy."

Then ask for for a date in the future... a week lets say. Tell her you'll let her lead a bit.

Dont be so afraid its not going to go your way. 
Are you seeing a counselor? You should be building your confidence..which seems a bit shaken by this whole thing.
Think about it.


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## blahblahblah

Her and I have talked since that lsst post, and kinda cleared the air, so that's good. We are going to see each other again.

I pretty much said the exact same thing you told me to say, without reading your post first, so right on eh?

You know the problem here... I'm a kinda pushy person. I'm a very impatient person, and those two things are really working against me right now. I try to fight them, but they still come out.

To be honest, confidence is not my problem. I'm an extremely confident person, my main issue is patience, and thats the one thing I NEED right now.


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> Her and I have talked since that lsst post, and kinda cleared the air, so that's good. We are going to see each other again.
> 
> I pretty much said the exact same thing you told me to say, without reading your post first, so right on eh?
> 
> You know the problem here... I'm a kinda pushy person. I'm a very impatient person, and those two things are really working against me right now. I try to fight them, but they still come out.
> 
> To be honest, confidence is not my problem. I'm an extremely confident person, my main issue is patience, and thats the one thing I NEED right now.


Hey... "The Power of Now" By eckhart Tolle... and "A new Earth"
are both very focused in the "now". Now meaning not living in, and how to let go of the past... and equally how not to be focused, obsessed with knowing or controlling the future.. Maybe a good read for you... Accept and be happy whats happening now and do what you can now.... dont focus on future.. this breeds "want", anxiety and losss of control of whats happening "right now"... good luck be patient and maybe get one of those.


they were a WORLD of good for me when i was going through VERY tough time.

c ya


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## blahblahblah

Nice. I'll check 'em out.

Thanks.


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## morningdew

Vino thanks for your words of wisdom here. This can be applied on my own situation too. 

blahblahblah, I too feel the same way...I recognized my own weaknesses in reading your updates because I am impatient and I've been trying so hard to hold it back not to rush, not to smoother him which is really hard because I want to show him that I still love him and wants us to be together again. 

I wish you all the best, Blah...


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## blahblahblah

So I decided last night that I was probably putting too much pressure on her... Even if she didnt say it, I could tell.

I decided to just back off. I emailed her this morning and apologized if I made her feel that way, as it wasnt my intention, and I told her to let me know if she would like to see me again...

Basically letting her know that I was going to just chill here, and if she wants to see me, then thats great, but I'm not pressuring her into anything.

A few hours later she emails and asks if I wanna go out next weekend.


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> So I decided last night that I was probably putting too much pressure on her... Even if she didnt say it, I could tell.
> 
> I decided to just back off. I emailed her this morning and apologized if I made her feel that way, as it wasnt my intention, and I told her to let me know if she would like to see me again...
> 
> Basically letting her know that I was going to just chill here, and if she wants to see me, then thats great, but I'm not pressuring her into anything.
> 
> A few hours later she emails and asks if I wanna go out next weekend.


suukaaa... kool


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## blahblahblah

So Vino, what do you make of all the affection?

I don't mind, and the more I thought about it, my initial reaction of "I'm doing everything" was just me being insecure. 

The thing is, it feels pretty natural...

Example...

We were sitting out on her porch having a smoke before I left. We were sitting there and she kinda put her arm on my back... Not like around my shoulders or anything, but just rested her arm on me while I was leaning over.

This is something she used to do a lot, back when we were together, and it felt good.

Then, as I am getting ready to leave, I turn to her to kiss her goodbye, and she reaches up and puts her arms around my neck, with a big smile on her face, and I put my hands on her hips and we have a really nice kiss... Really nice.

Thats kinda how the whole day went, as far as affection went.

Is it possible this is just a reaction to not seeing each other for a few months? Like, could it really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things here, or should I consider the openness of our smooching and touching a good thing?


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## 63Vino

1. Stop smoking.
2. Stop thinking!!!!
3. Teasing.. but yea.. stop trying to read so much... just take it as it comes!!!

The indication is there is still love and affection there.. "hopefully, you'll get back to the point that you'll be able to make a commitment and get to counseling, improve your communication etc. Treat her like a new girlfriend i keep telling you.. Treat her with respect and dont think the past give you any right to a future. All you do and say if you MUST think about it.. ask yourself, "if i just met this girl woudl i say what im thinking of saying?" before you say it.

you know?


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## blahblahblah

Oh man, stopping smoking just isnt gonna happen.

Stopping thinking... Yeah, I can probably do that.

So basically what your telling me... Is instead of sitting here at work trying to analyze _why_ we are so affectionate towards each other, just accept that we _are_ affectionate, and roll with it.

And I get you about the "would I say this to a girl I just met" thing. I had a bit of a breakdown in that yesterday, but we're back on track there.


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## 63Vino

blahblahblah said:


> Oh man, stopping smoking just isnt gonna happen.
> 
> Stopping thinking... Yeah, I can probably do that.
> 
> So basically what your telling me... Is instead of sitting here at work trying to analyze _why_ we are so affectionate towards each other, just accept that we _are_ affectionate, and Just roll with it.
> 
> And I get you about the "would I say this to a girl I just met" thing. I had a bit of a breakdown in that yesterday, but we're back on track there.


YES... you're probably not even enjoying it all that much cause that damn overdrive mind... take the time to enjoy the moments...che sara, sara...you know.


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## blahblahblah

Oh, I'm enjoying it. I think the only time my mind ISNT in overdrive is when were smoochin'


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## Believe

Wow Vino you are spot on! 
Blahblahblah you must read those books. They helped me so much as well. I remember telling my H to not be scared and to not think but just live in the moment. Then like a week later I started the questioning and he threw it back at me. He said I thought we were living in the moment. I can clearly see what it is your doing however I know that when it is my own situation I do the same damn thing. Don't bring up the relationship or feelings or anything. Vino is right, think about it as you would if you were first dating someone. Which I plan on using myself. (if it's not too late for me)


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## blahblahblah

I'm gonna order those books tonight, and I totally understand what you guys are saying. It's tough sometimes... I'm trying!



I just need ideas to be pounded into my head a few times before they stick.


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## blahblahblah

nvm... I realized after posting that what I typed here was stupid.


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## cantletgo

IMO, if the 2 of you are just starting to "date" again, i wouldn't push it. You may end up coming on too strong. I would say that the question would be appropriate if you were planning on being intimate with each other, but probably an arguement starter just yet. I know it's going to drive you insane, but if you believe you know this woman and trust her, give her the benefit of the doubt. But before you take reconciliation to the next level is the time to have the "are we exclusive" talk. Just like in the real dating world.


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