# Daily Life, Hobbies, Hopes, Dreams, Plans, Collaboration, Etc



## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

I am 19 days new to this forum, and have enjoyed participation so far.
I can’t help but notice though, that a vast majority of posts or comments are about sex. I even saw a comment claiming that sex is the cornerstone of a good marriage. Lol. Which is like saying that a low WBC is the cornerstone of good health. It’s not a cornerstone, but an indicator of marriage health.
IMO, cornerstones of a good marriage are: love, respect, maturity, and compatibility.
Marriages involve:
Children, careers, yard work, housework, automotive work, travel, plans for the future, savings, building things, dreams, goals, hobbies, friendship, in-depth conversations, non-sexual physical intimacy, healthcare in times or illness or injury, food, sleep, money, hygiene, dates, other family members, friends, and more in addition to sex.
So why is sex such a focus on this forum? Sometimes the detail is borderline porn. I find it a bit odd, perhaps tunnel-vision focused, and looking forward to reading other’s thoughts on this.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sex is such a major focus because out of all the other things you mention, sex is supposedly something you can ONLY do with your spouse once married. All the other things don't require a spouse or marriage, or can be done with someone other than a spouse. So when sex is a _problem_, you can't just go get it elsewhere to lessen the issue (silly, right?).


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> Sex is such a major focus because out of all the other things you mention, sex is supposedly something you can ONLY do with your spouse once married. All the other things don't require a spouse or marriage, or can be done with someone other than a spouse. So when sex is a _problem_, you can't just go get it elsewhere to lessen the issue (silly, right?).


That makes sense up to a certain point, but I would hope that the intimate in-depth conversations, the non-sexual physical intimacy, and the finances are not being shared with a third party!

I guess, based on the posts here, it just seems like sex is such a heavy focus. I enjoy sitting by the campfire, drinking beer, and having a fun time with my husband outdoors (without sex of course ha), and I would be furious if he suddenly stopped doing this with me and started doing it with another woman.

So is it just that a majority of people brush off all other marriage issues before trying to fix anything until it seeps into the arena of sex? Then it’s a problem? Is that why there is such an intense focus on sex here when there is so much more to marriage? Because people are oblivious until the sex goes bad?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

MEA said:


> That makes sense up to a certain point, but I would hope that the intimate in-depth conversations, the non-sexual physical intimacy, and the finances are not being shared with a third party!
> 
> I guess, based on the posts here, it just seems like sex is such a heavy focus. I enjoy sitting by the campfire, drinking beer, and having a fun time with my husband outdoors (without sex of course ha), and I would be furious if he suddenly stopped doing this with me and started doing it with another woman.
> 
> So is it just that a majority of people brush off all other marriage issues before trying to fix anything until it seeps into the arena of sex? Then it’s a problem? Is that why there is such an intense focus on sex here when there is so much more to marriage? Because people are oblivious until the sex goes bad?


I enjoy all the fun time and nonsexual intimacy as well, and would be very upset if it stopped. And I'd be distraught and angry if the sex became seldom or stopped, especially if the other things were still happening.

Often, if seems like one of both of the partners think the marriage is great - except one is missing the sexual intimacy. So (not always) there was nothing else wrong except the lack of sex. Then that becomes the focus of the needed fixes.

Since you brought it up, is there a problem with sex in your marriage? Are there other problems that contribute to this?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

MEA said:


> So why is sex such a focus on this forum? Sometimes the detail is borderline porn. I find it a bit odd, perhaps tunnel-vision focused, and looking forward to reading other’s thoughts on this.


It’s sooo much more tame than it used to be. 😂

We haven’t had a penis thread in forever.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

minimalME said:


> It’s sooo much more tame than it used to be. 😂
> 
> We haven’t had a penis thread in forever.


Or a clam thread either


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> I enjoy all the fun time and nonsexual intimacy as well, and would be very upset if it stopped. And I'd be distraught and angry if the sex became seldom or stopped, especially if the other things were still happening.
> 
> Often, if seems like one of both of the partners think the marriage is great - except one is missing the sexual intimacy. So (not always) there was nothing else wrong except the lack of sex. Then that becomes the focus of the needed fixes.
> 
> Since you brought it up, is there a problem with sex in your marriage? Are there other problems that contribute to this?


So it really is just that most peoples marriage issues are about sex. That’s all I was wondering.
I appreciate your time and energy in answering.

Your questions: No, there is no problem with sex in my marriage. My H and I are perfectly compatible, and he always says it gets better every time (and we are almost at ten years). The second question is moot given my answer to the first.

I created this post because I really am taken aback at the intense focus on sex in this forum when marriage involves so much more than just sex. I’m an extremely literal person so there are no hidden agendas when I ask a question or make a statement.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MEA said:


> So it really is just that most peoples marriage issues are about sex. That’s all I was wondering.
> Your questions: No, there is no problem with sex in my marriage. My H and I are perfectly compatible, and he always says it gets better every time (and we are almost at ten years). The second question is moot given my answer to the first.
> 
> I created this post because I really am taken aback at the intense focus on sex in this forum when marriage involves so much more than just sex. I’m an extremely literal person so there are no hidden agendas when I ask a question or make a statement.


You have to realize that most people don't understand that there is a problem in their relationship until the sex starts to become an issue. So of course that is going to be the biggest topic but if you read a lot of the threads you will see that it gets to the real problem eventually.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Dr. Phil once said something like, If both agree that they have a great sex life in marriage, it’s only about 10% of what is right with the marriage, but if one is not happy with the sex life, it can be about 90% of what’s wrong with the marriage. 

Sex is just a bonding tool like no other.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I think part of the reason there's so much talk about sex here is that it's a problem a lot of people aren't comfortable discussing with anyone they know IRL. If you and your spouse are arguing about chores or how to raise the kids or your communication isn't great, you might be able to discuss that with a trusted friend or family member. But if your sex life is suffering, it's probably easier to tell an anonymous internet forum about that, rather than bring it up with someone you know.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Chaotic said:


> I think part of the reason there's so much talk about sex here is that it's a problem a lot of people aren't comfortable discussing with anyone they know IRL. If you and your spouse are arguing about chores or how to raise the kids or your communication isn't great, you might be able to discuss that with a trusted friend or family member. But if your sex life is suffering, it's probably easier to tell an anonymous internet forum about that, rather than bring it up with someone you know.


Note: Not a lady, I am a gentleman and guilty as charged.

I think the reasons others have highlighted here are on point. At least for a me physical touch and quality time are my two main “love languages”.

I only talked to one person about it IRL (my coach). He’s much younger than me and has wiped up most of my bodily fluids and seen my naked butt on the scale and also beaten the crap out of me so kind of like a younger brother but less embarrassing somehow as he has seen me fail at things many many times.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

To alot of men it is their Love Language. If it is not there it is like not having water in the desert, it will be all you think about. Just as the body will die, without physical intimacy from my wife, my feelings for her will start to die. 

Ultimately the death of the marriage will follow. What if your hubby quit speaking to you, or stopped any physical touch, i think you would feel pretty damned upset by that. Same with sex. The bond i feel with my wife via physical intimacy is what allows me to feel like i am safe being vulnerable to her. It alows me to open up on a deep emotional level. No physical intimacy and the walls go up and meaningful communication ceases.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> To alot of men it is their Love Language. If it is not there it is like not having water in the desert, it will be all you think about. Just as the body will die, without physical intimacy from my wife, my feelings for her will start to die.
> 
> Ultimately the death of the marriage will follow. What if your hubby quit speaking to you, or stopped any physical touch, i think you would feel pretty damned upset by that. Same with sex. The bond i feel with my wife via physical intimacy is what allows me to feel like i am safe being vulnerable to her. It alows me to open up on a deep emotional level. No physical intimacy and the walls go up and meaningful communication ceases.


That makes sense given what’s here. Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks a marriage revolves around sex, but I understand everyone has their own flavor of life.
My husband, although HD and enjoys sex, also recognizes that it’s not what a marriage revolves around, but is simply a symptom of a good marriage, and that someday the parts will just not work and we will still be happy together. I definitely feel blessed and was just shocked at the number of marriages that seem to revolve around sex.
The above explanation also makes sense that most people are oblivious to marital issues until the issues begin to affect the sex aspect.
Thank you for chiming in and spending your time explaining to me your POV - it is certainly confirmation to the second theory.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sex is an important part of a marriage. Without sex, you are friends. A marriage is a sexual relationship. That's why you don't marry your parents, your siblings, and often, not other close relatives.

Why do you feel the need to make it seem like if sex is important in a marriage it's "revolving around sex"?

Marriage is a sexual relationship.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

MEA said:


> My husband, although HD and enjoys sex, also recognizes that it’s not what a marriage revolves around, but is simply a symptom of a good marriage, and that someday the parts will just not work and we will still be happy together. I definitely feel blessed and was just shocked at the number of marriages that seem to revolve around sex.


I hope for your sake this is the case, and you should feel blessed!

I certainly didn’t see it coming. Everything is great for years until it isn’t. Even then it’s ok for some amount of time and then gradually it’s less and less ok and then one day it’s not ok.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

@MEA have you ever been in a relationship where the bedroom is dead?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Stop having sex with your husband and the cozy campfire time will be spent with another woman. I know its all part of a whole, but no sex when one partner wants it will lead to a relationship breakdown eventually. Either in the form of an divorce or an affair or the latter followed by the former.

You are just fortunate that you seem never to have experienced it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MEA said:


> IMO, cornerstones of a good marriage are: love, respect, maturity, and compatibility.


I completely agree with you here. And I believe that if a marriage has these "cornerstones", then meeting eachother's sexual needs within the relationship should be very possible for the couple.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> *To alot of men it is their Love Language*. If it is not there it is like not having water in the desert, it will be all you think about. Just as the body will die, without physical intimacy from my wife, my feelings for her will start to die.
> 
> Ultimately the death of the marriage will follow. What if your hubby quit speaking to you, or stopped any physical touch, i think you would feel pretty damned upset by that. Same with sex. The bond i feel with my wife via physical intimacy is what allows me to feel like i am safe being vulnerable to her. It alows me to open up on a deep emotional level. No physical intimacy and the walls go up and meaningful communication ceases.


This is how it is for alot of women as well.


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