# Eldest Daughters Birthday



## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

It was my eldest daughters 31st birthday Sunday just gone and it's the first time i haven't communicated with her in some way on her birthday due to her attitude towards me over her mother cheating on me and leaving me just before Christmas.

She basically excepted and welcomed this man into her life with open arms straight away, she had Christmas dinner with him, she spent Fathers day with him and as if life couldn't be any more cruel this man who has helped to destroy my life has the same birthday as me and my daughter who had not long moved away to a different part of the country travelled roughly a 3 hour round trip to celebrate his birthday with him without giving me so much as a second thought.
I always knew that she disliked me but i never in my wildest dreams thought she would replace me so quickly.

Obviously i broke down on her birthday although and i've been really upset again today, the sad thing is they portray me as the monster and make out it's me that has no feelings little do they know how much i'm suffering.

I'm at my wits end i really don't know how much longer i can hold it together its killing me what the woman who i thought was my best friend and soulmate has put me through.

I found out yesterday that because it's been over 6 months that she cheated on me i am no longer allowed to use adultery as a grounds for divorce i can't get my head around it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Estrangement is hard. 

It's very difficult to know how to navigate those relationships, but I have sorted it out for myself, so if you have any interest in discussing that, I'd be happy to.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> It was my eldest daughters 31st birthday Sunday just gone and it's the first time i haven't communicated with her in some way on her birthday due to her attitude towards me over her mother cheating on me and leaving me just before Christmas.
> 
> She basically excepted and welcomed this man into her life with open arms straight away, she had Christmas dinner with him, she spent Fathers day with him and as if life couldn't be any more cruel this man who has helped to destroy my life has the same birthday as me and my daughter who had not long moved away to a different part of the country travelled roughly a 3 hour round trip to celebrate his birthday with him without giving me so much as a second thought.
> I always knew that she disliked me but i never in my wildest dreams thought she would replace me so quickly.
> ...


Adultry isn't a grounds for divorce, but that doesn't mean you can't get a divorce. You just file the papers and wait for court. 

I'm sorry about this situation with your daughter. How has your relationship been in general up until the new man?


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Adultery is grounds for Divorce i suggest you google it as it's one of the valid main reasons. However what i didn't realise is that here in the UK you only have 6 months in which to use that as a reason which was a bit difficult as were all in lockdown.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If they're still sleeping together, yet you and W are still married, isn't she committing adultery every time, currently?

(My apologies, that looks unkind as written, that is farthest from my intention).

I'm just saying, 6 months from when? There are fresh offenses, every "time".

So sorry for your troubles. But, you will get through them to future you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There’s an old saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.
Neither does the nut.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

She had sex in a hotel with him whilst i was at work because she only worked part time which is adultery in it's self and left me for him on the 6th December completely destroying our family after 30 years of marriage together and 3 children.
I had no idea i thought she was my best friend and soulmate so it was completely out of the blue to me i didn't even know we had any problems it's not like we were fighting or anything.....how stupid am i as i always thought if you had a problem with your marriage you opened your mouth and not your legs.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Sorry i have no idea what you mean when you say "
There’s an old saying “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.
Neither does the nut. "


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife sees nothing wrong with destroying a thirty year marriage. 
Neither does her/your daughter. 
That’s what I meant.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Mr Sad, you need to detach from her AND your daughter. It was THEIR choice to do this to you -- nothing that YOU did. They will (at least I bet your daughter will) live to regret it.
Detach, do NOT worry about them AT ALL -- don't communicate with them except where required for the D, do NOT follow them on social media (pain shopping), etc.. How did you find out that she drove to the AP's b-day? STOP getting that type of info. It only causes YOU pain. If you feel you have to, put your feelings about this down in a letter to your D -- then destroy it. She doesn't deserve even one iota of your thoughts anymore. She sided with a cheater -- then so be it. Shows you what HER morals are -- would you really want to be around that? Worry about your other kids and making sure you have a great relationship with them.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Andy1001 Your 100% correct i really hope that they both get cheated on one day and have a taste of how it feels.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> @Mr Sad, you need to detach from her AND your daughter. It was THEIR choice to do this to you -- nothing that YOU did. They will (at least I bet your daughter will) live to regret it.
> Detach, do NOT worry about them AT ALL -- don't communicate with them except where required for the D, do NOT follow them on social media (pain shopping), etc.. How did you find out that she drove to the AP's b-day? STOP getting that type of info. It only causes YOU pain. If you feel you have to, put your feelings about this down in a letter to your D -- then destroy it. She doesn't deserve even one iota of your thoughts anymore. She sided with a cheater -- then so be it. Shows you what HER morals are -- would you really want to be around that? Worry about your other kids and making sure you have a great relationship with them.


My wife has a 2 year restraining order against me so there's no communication between us and i won't ever speak to my eldest ever again as much as it hurts me as there are some things you just can't forgive and to me that was the ultimate betrayal.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr Sad said:


> I found out yesterday that because it's been over 6 months that she cheated on me i am no longer allowed to use adultery as a grounds for divorce





Mr Sad said:


> My wife has a 2 year restraining order against me


Oh, I think you have a very good (UK law) case that the marriage has_ irretrievably broken down_. The infidelity might well also count as _"unreasonable behaviour"_. And then it sounds as if she is in desertion too. That counts as grounds. You may have other examples of unreasonable behaviour. I am not a lawyer but I'd be surprised if you can't find a lawyer that would take this on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> Adultery is grounds for Divorce i suggest you google it as it's one of the valid main reasons. However what i didn't realise is that here in the UK you only have 6 months in which to use that as a reason which was a bit difficult as were all in lockdown.


You can just divorce her for unreasonable behaviour. I didnt think that adultery was used any more here in the uk, but you can include that in the unreasonable behaviour part.
It must be awful that she has turned against you, especially when it wasnt you who cheated and left. I do wonder what her mother has told her. Maybe she lied and twisted the truth to blame you as otherwise I cant see why she has accepted the new man so easily. What was your relationship with your daughter like before?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> My wife has a 2 year restraining order against me so there's no communication between us and i won't ever speak to my eldest ever again as much as it hurts me as there are some things you just can't forgive and to me that was the ultimate betrayal.


Why has she taken out a 2 year restraining order against you?
How do you know all these things about what your daughter has and hasnt done if there is no contact?
What are your other two childrens thoughts on this?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Mr Sad said:


> It was my eldest daughters 31st birthday Sunday just gone and it's the first time i haven't communicated with her in some way on her birthday due to her attitude towards me over her mother cheating on me and leaving me just before Christmas.
> 
> She basically excepted and welcomed this man into her life with open arms straight away, she had Christmas dinner with him, she spent Fathers day with him and as if life couldn't be any more cruel this man who has helped to destroy my life has the same birthday as me and my daughter who had not long moved away to a different part of the country travelled roughly a 3 hour round trip to celebrate his birthday with him without giving me so much as a second thought.
> I always knew that she disliked me but i never in my wildest dreams thought she would replace me so quickly.
> ...


Her mom has an affair on her dad and he hates you and wants a relationship with the guy your ex-wife was screwing?
I'd say let her be dead to you. I can understand the hurt but it is probably good to let her betrayal of you sour you on wanting her in your life ever again. It sounds best to just let all of these miserable people be dead to you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> It must be awful that she has turned against you, especially when it wasnt you who cheated and left. I do wonder what her mother has told her. Maybe she lied and twisted the truth to blame you as otherwise I cant see why she has accepted the new man so easily. What was your relationship with your daughter like before?





Mr Sad said:


> I always knew that she disliked me but i never in my wildest dreams thought she would replace me so quickly.





Mr Sad said:


> Andy1001 Your 100% correct i really hope that they both get cheated on one day and have a taste of how it feels.


I get the feeling there was no relationship to begin with, and that just maybe, based on the last bit, there might be some reason the daughter doesn't have a relationship with her father? Blind sided by the wife with no idea there was even any issues in the marriage. Restraining order. I feel like we're missing a lot of the story here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AliceA said:


> I get the feeling there was no relationship to begin with, and that just maybe, based on the last bit, there might be some reason the daughter doesn't have a relationship with her father? Blind sided by the wife with no idea there was even any issues in the marriage. Restraining order. I feel like we're missing a lot of the story here.


It's possible that to make her look like the victim the wife lied to the children.

@Mr Sad what grounds did your wife use to get her order? If false grounds were employed, she would be open for charges of perjury. Consult a solicitor.

You need counselling, I feel, to help you get through this.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Put your eldest out of your mind. Concentrate on the blessings of your other children who have not abandoned you. 

A word of caution - do not cry to your other children about the eldest. Rather, appreciate them for staying in your life. If you carry on about the eldest not being around, the other 2 will start to feel like chopped liver and not want to be around you either. That's been my experience with my Mom.

At some point, the eldest will be talking to her sibs and wouldn't it be a kick in her teeth if your kids talk about what a great dad you are.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> My wife has a 2 year restraining order against me so there's no communication between us and i won't ever speak to my eldest ever again as much as it hurts me as there are some things you just can't forgive and to me that was the ultimate betrayal.


Well, then I think you need to acknowledge that you played a large part in what is going on now and stop trying to find some way to punish your wife. Restraint orders aren't granted for no reason. You had to have earned that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Estrangement from a child must be horrible, especially when it is undeserved. But you may just have to accept that your daughter is as big a jerk as your WW, forgive her and move on. Like others have said, seek counseling for your grief and feelings of abandonment. Protect yourself with a good lawyer and get the best deal you can from your divorce and move on. I know it's hard, but I do believe that if you are honest and good, good things will eventually come to you. You will find another mate, and one day you will build a new family. If everything you have told us about yourself is true, and you have done nothing to warrant this treatment, then I think your daughter is being extremely shortsighted and shallow. One day she will need you, and you won't be as willing to help her given the way she has treated you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, then I think you need to acknowledge that you played a large part in what is going on now and stop trying to find some way to punish your wife. Restraint orders aren't granted for no reason. You had to have earned that.


That is a gross assumption on your part. We don't know this man. You can't assume he is the bad guy just because his wife and daughter are being a*#holes. I have seen this very thing happen to people I know: good, decent people who never harmed a fly being crapped on by their children and spouses. Bogus restraining orders are filed every day by vindictive spouses. We have seen this happen a lot on TAM.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

We can assume if he has a restraining order against him that he has either made threats or carried some out on his wife or family. It is not that easy to get a restraining order. The court doesn't just take one woman's word for it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If anyone is really interested in the reason for the restraining order, they can find it in his very first post on TAM.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

How dare you, you have no idea what i've gone through. when you find out your wife of 30 years who you thought was your best friend and soulmate had sex with your best friends brother whilst you were at work of course i'm going to react badly i've admitted in a previous post what i did when i found out which i'm not proud of.

I almost committed suicide due to the pain my wife caused me and i'm only here now because of my son and your judging me.

When a man cheats he's to blame and somehow when a woman cheats he's to blame so do me a favour an leave me alone i come here for support not to be judged.


DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, then I think you need to acknowledge that you played a large part in what is going on now and stop trying to find some way to punish your wife. Restraint orders aren't granted for no reason. You had to have earned that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> How dare you, you have no idea what i've gone through. when you find out your wife of 30 years who you thought was your best friend and soulmate had sex with your best friends brother whilst you were at work of course i'm going to react badly i've admitted in a previous post what i did when i found out which i'm not proud of.
> 
> I almost committed suicide due to the pain my wife caused me and i'm only here now because of my son and your judging me.
> 
> When a man cheats he's to blame and somehow when a woman cheats he's to blame so do me a favour an leave me alone i come here for support not to be judged.


I think that most people can understand your deep hurt and anger after that terrible betrayal. You are not to blame, she acted appallingly. .


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I think that most people can understand your deep hurt and anger after that terrible betrayal. You are not to blame, she acted appallingly. .


It's nice to know that not all women blame us men when their wives commit adultery and destroy families.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> To justify her cheating my wife has told a lot of lies about our relationship which in turn ended up causing hostility between us which accumulated in me getting a 2 year restraining order against me as i went to her place of work to try and get some answers to questions that my youngest daughter and myself had asked but got no reply.
> 
> However once she spotted my works vehicle she contacted her works and got 2 men from the store to escort her into work rather than getting either the police or security to remove me, this is something that she knew would wind me up as i had already told her during a phone call when she mentioned coming round to the house with a man for protection to get some belongings that if some man comes around to my house that i would kick off, to cut to the chase i was holding my wife by her lapel so she couldn't move and in the end there were about 6 or more men involved which only fired me up even more and although i tried to control myself at one point i grabbed her throat for a few seconds after she said to me "what are you going to do then" during some of our heated words and at another point i pulled her head back by her hair all of which i'm very ashamed of and deeply regret, the ironic thing is i didn't actually know where they lived until the judge told me otherwise i would have seriously hurt her new man and got into even more trouble.


Yeah... that was a bozo move. You need to get into anger control therapy if you haven't already done so. You played right into her hands instead of playing it smart. She probably knew you wouldn't really hurt her, but she created a beautiful stage play in order to make you look like a violent maniac, which you may indeed be. We don't know, so for the time being I guess we take your word for it that you are a decent, put-upon fellow.

I don't know what to think of you right now...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> It's nice to know that not all women blame us men when their wives commit adultery and destroy families.


I would never do that. I have a lovely family member who has had 2 wives who cheated on him. The cheater is always responsible.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

As bandit.45 has already shared my original post you'll see that i have been very honest about how i reacted, i'm not proud of my actions however until i found out that my wife had unprotected sex with another man in other words to put it bluntly allowed him to cum inside her and then come home to me and get me to perform oral sex on her before having full sex i had not laid a hand on my wife.
My youngest daughter also witnessed my wife try to attack me on the day she told me about the other man but strangely enough that's not mentioned by her in the letter from her solicitor
It's strange when the person who you thought was your best friend and soulmate who you loved with all your heart tells you something like that after 30 years of marriage that you get targeted as a mad man for getting angry and not patting her on the back and telling her congratulations i hope you will be happy.

I'm not exactly Bruce Lee or anything but i used to be an army boxing champion in my younger days and represented my battalion, since leaving the army i became a blackbelt in aiki Jujutsu and a brown belt in judo so believe me when i tell you if i had wanted to i could have done some serious damage but didn't and she's well aware of that however i did lose it momentarily but i'm only human.

Since making my original post i have received a letter telling me how my wife is going to be divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour which because of my actions and sentence i can't argue with however as if that wasn't enough she's gone on to tell lots of outright lies about me such as i made her feel unwanted....lets see, i told her at least twice every day i loved her, i sent her a flirty txt every day saying i loved her, took her to the cinema roughly once every two weeks, took her to concerts and would go without many times to make sure she would have nice things.
We snuggled up most nights together watching movies including whilst she was seeing this other man and the list goes on it's ridiculous.
She said i was always criticising her and putting her down, once more utter rubbish as my children will testify i was always singing her praises and would often joke about how she was like Mary Poppins practically perfect in everyway.

We got into the habit of having our evening meal at between 5.15pm-5.30pm every day even before we married, at one stage my son who was on the England squad for judo had to train multiple times a week which involved us leaving the house by 6.15pm. So she stated i was very regimental and would become very angry if she didn't follow my regime.
First of all as said we just got in to a habit of eating at that time and if she was honest she would admit we would eat later regularly, all men get snappy when they are hungry i'm no different but lets be real i never expected the meal to be done exactly at that time we just ate roughly around that time.
What she didn't mention was that i made the meal every Friday, i usually made lunch every Saturday and i brought her breakfast in bed every Saturday and Sunday and all this while i worked full time and she just worked 3 days a week starting at 10am and finishing at 4pm, she also never mentioned that 99% of the time i washed up all the dishes and when i would offer to help would be told sit down you've been at work all day so lets just put that into perspective.

Yes i have faults, yes i got snappy when i was hungry but let me be clear i was not physical with my wife until she told me she had cheated on me.
The truth of the matter is that she used to babysit one of his younger brothers when she was about 13 and fancied him back then and has always put that family on a pedestal.
He started going into her place of work on a regular basis and had been flirting with her and she fell for him it's as simple as that.

If i were a woman you would all be sympathetic but because i'm a man i'm supposed to let her treat me like scum after all we've been through together and not react in anyway, unfortunately as i've said i'm not perfect but i don't think i deserved this regardless of what you may think.

I made a mistake posting in the first place as a man i should have known better and just suffered this torment in silence.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr Sad said:


> It's nice to know that not all women blame us men when their wives commit adultery and destroy families.


Absolutely not. Plenty of women are trashy *****es....I'm so sorry your wife turned out to be one.

Be good to yourself and you will get through this. Decent men your age are always in hot demand...particularly if you're looking for women your age.

Let your daughter kiss her mother's ass for now...she may come around eventually. Focus on your son and your own healing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Mr Sad said:


> As bandit.45 has already shared my original post you'll see that i have been very honest about how i reacted, i'm not proud of my actions however until i found out that my wife had unprotected sex with another man in other words to put it bluntly allowed him to cum inside her and then come home to me and get me to perform oral sex on her before having full sex i had not laid a hand on my wife.
> My youngest daughter also witnessed my wife try to attack me on the day she told me about the other man but strangely enough that's not mentioned by her in the letter from her solicitor
> It's strange when the person who you thought was your best friend and soulmate who you loved with all your heart tells you something like that after 30 years of marriage that you get targeted as a mad man for getting angry and not patting her on the back and telling her congratulations i hope you will be happy.
> 
> ...


Hon, you have to stop with the gender stereotypes....it's not good for you. The vast majority of us don't think anyone should take poor treatment, and we've all had reactions we're not proud of during tough times.

Your wife is a ****ty person. Even if you had made her feel unloved she had options beyond ****ing another man and then coming home to you. 

Don't worry about a restraining order. In fact, if it keeps you guys apart that might be better for you; once she's out of your life you might see that she wasn't that great of a wife.

Fair warning though.....there is a high likelihood that things with Mr wonderful won't work out long term and when that happens there's a good chance she'll be back with crocodile tears. Think very carefully about whethet you want her back.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, to be blunt, you know how to deal with males, but like today's so, so many blokes you don't know how to deal with females. You're acting like a passive boxer taking all the punches, without knowing how to throw one back. 

Dude: take a hint. See how your wife is throwing all the punches that matter at you, while you're just sitting in a corner trying to avoid a jab.

This is war, you should be collecting all the ammunition you need to courtersttack. Start to be proactive, you are being mostly reactive. That's no way to have an offensive. If you're smart enough with the information you have about her shenanigans you could start letting all the people you know what really has been going on. Do a character assassination, just like she already did to you. You have ammunition, used it smartly.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

This is one of these few posts where I would love to hear the other side’s story....


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