# Self created problem



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I like cooking and I cook almost everyday. 
Over the last two years i have been nagging my husband to loose the 6kg he has put on since we got married in 2004. So he decided to stop eating late in the evening. This works fine and I was happy with it. 
Then last night he came home after I had cooked and said it was after 6 so past his eating time and he would eat the food another day. Because it as my doing, I found it difficult to argue, but I wanted him to eat. 

I feel redundant at times.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

You 'nagged' him to do something, that he in turn followed through with for you, and then want him to go against that...

If I am mistaking something please let me know...


MaiChi said:


> I like cooking and I cook almost everyday.
> Over the last two years i have been nagging my husband to loose the 6kg he has put on since we got married in 2004. So he decided to stop eating late in the evening. This works fine and I was happy with it.
> Then last night he came home after I had cooked and said it was after 6 so past his eating time and he would eat the food another day. Because it as my doing, I found it difficult to argue, but I wanted him to eat.
> 
> I feel redundant at times.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I do agree that eating after 6:00pm hinders weight loss, and there's logic to it, and success by many who follow that regimen. 

Kudos to him. It's an adjustment you'll need to recognize may be new pattern for a while.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I realise I asked for what he is now committed to. I am happy he is committed. i really am. Just when i cook and nobody eats it. its like wasted effort. I still cannot ask him to go against what he is correctly doing. 

I am the issue, not him.


----------



## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> I realise I asked for what he is now committed to. I am happy he is committed. i really am. Just when i cook and nobody eats it. its like wasted effort. I still cannot ask him to go against what he is correctly doing.
> 
> I am the issue, not him.


Look at it this way. He gets to appreciate your cooking the next night, you can take a night off, and he sleeps well in the meantime due to his body not having to expend energy digesting food eaten just before bed.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> I realise I asked for what he is now committed to. I am happy he is committed. i really am. Just when i cook and nobody eats it. its like wasted effort. I still cannot ask him to go against what he is correctly doing.
> 
> I am the issue, not him.


My W and I had this exact same discussion as I dropped 50lbs.

I told her I was working on things. Didn't tell her I was joining a gym until I did. Didn't plan to not tell her but when I went to check it out went ahead and joined.

She wanted to too, so I said that's great, drove her down, added her, absolutely happy too.

When I started working on nutrition plan, got it going, and shared with her.

She loves to cook, and the first few times I didn't eat what she cooked, way tactfully doing so, she realized I was committed, and she took that into account.

When I only ate very little certain times she was hurt, but consistency is king.

We now have been doing this for six months all going well.

So I feel you. But you need to support him.

And join him if that's what you want!.

I put off healthy eating for as long as I could 😊😊😊

But now much better!

It's a good thing!


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> I realise I asked for what he is now committed to. I am happy he is committed. i really am. Just when i cook and nobody eats it. its like wasted effort. I still cannot ask him to go against what he is correctly doing.
> 
> *I am the issue, not him.*


Not necessarily. To me, it seems like (in this particular situation) he was being legalistic.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

minimalME said:


> he was being legalistic.


Yes,, I agree with you. But all behavioral modifications begin in legalism. It takes time for the engrafted version to prevail.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I know if you cooked the food that helps him and planned to support him taking actions he'll remember how you helped. 

And besides already loving you forever already &#55357;&#56845;&#55357;&#56845; he'll love you even more!!

It took me 9 months to go from 228 to 176lbs. I'm 6'3, so I wasn't bad, but had to help my bad cholesterol and decided to kill two birds with one stone.

My eating habits and wife's planning are in tune, the speed bumps crossed, and everything is smooth. 

Happy, happy!!!


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Thanks all. I posted this to show that good intensions can be undermined if we do not foresee certain feeling that can easily creep in and threaten something good. In the warmer weather, we have a habit of going cycling. We usually follow the same route which is 8 miles there and 8 back when we do all of it. We have never joined a Gym. However, during winter months we leave our bikes in the garage because of the darkness and the dangers of car drivers. 

So I was nagging and nagging about the now middle age water melon he seemed to have swallowed. Nothing large but It is not nice on him. Thank you. I thought I was odd feeling a little rejected when he did not eat what I cooked. Nice to know I am not on my own. Still, glad he did not eat.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LOL...he probably snacked on something before he got home and wasn't hungry. :grin2:


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I am the voice of difference (as always). Telling him when to eat is controlling. Put the leftovers in the fridge and get over it.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am the voice of difference (as always). Telling him when to eat is controlling. Put the leftovers in the fridge and get over it.


This


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I say kudos to your husband for remaining committed to his new diet plan. I know from experience that once you break the "rules" it's a slippery slope right back to where you were before. And kudos to you for not nagging him about breaking that rule.

As for you feeling your effort was wasted, that's what tupperware was invented for. Pack up what you made into lunches for the rest of the week. It's a win win in my book!!!!


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Maybe I misunderstood?

Although I agree that nagging (her words) for two years about weight is a little on the controlling side, she didn't tell him when to eat. He made the decision not to eat after dark, and he came home and said it was too late to eat.

I think it's reasonable to expect that if you go to the effort, spend the money, and make the time to create a nice meal, people will eat it - and be grateful. Even if they arrive home later than expected.

Unless, of course, she deliberately fixes unhealthy foods and offers them at inappropriate times to sabotage his efforts, which I don't think she was doing.



NobodySpecial said:


> I am the voice of difference (as always). Telling him when to eat is controlling. Put the leftovers in the fridge and get over it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So, if you want him to lose weight, (shame on you for nagging him, btw!) then you need to adjust what YOU are doing in order to be supportive and help him. Logic dictates here. You may enjoy preparing meals, but now you need to adjust the timing on when meals will be done, as well as what you make, unless you expect him to cook for himself now. Sorry, but you dont get to whine that he didnt eat, not after you harassing him to lose. Be supportive.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Let me be a centrist on this one....

To the lady...toughen up a bit (not TOO much, guys like femininity), and pull back on the nagging.

To the dude...call your lady if you know you’re gonna be late and give her a heads up to the situation.

Another marriage saved!!


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Maybe I misunderstood?
> 
> Although I agree that nagging (her words) for two years about weight is a little on the controlling side, she didn't tell him when to eat. He made the decision not to eat after dark, and he came home and said it was too late to eat.
> 
> ...


Can't get there. One of us makes dinner every night. If someone does not want to eat (we have kids), we don't get our knickers in a twist over it. Life happens. He can determine for himself when and if he wants to eat. She can decide when and if she wants to make dinner. If this is a battle that she considers worth fighting, I don't give this marriage more than a 10% change unless he is a huge pushover.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I understand. And I agree that schedules are thrown off, and I agree that it's easy enough to compromise.

Still, I totally see her point of view. The normal human flow of emotion (being disappointed/frustrated) also happens.

And she even enjoys cooking. I don't, so I'd be solving that problem real fast. 



NobodySpecial said:


> Can't get there. One of us makes dinner every night. If someone does not want to eat (we have kids), we don't get our knickers in a twist over it. Life happens. He can determine for himself when and if he wants to eat. She can decide when and if she wants to make dinner. If this is a battle that she considers worth fighting, I don't give this marriage more than a 10% change unless he is a huge pushover.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

minimalME said:


> I understand. And I agree that schedules are thrown off, and I agree that it's easy enough to compromise.
> 
> Still, I totally see her point of view. The normal human flow of emotion (being disappointed/frustrated) also happens.
> 
> And she even enjoys cooking. I don't, so I'd be solving that problem real fast.


She can choose. Does she make this a mountain? Or leave it the molehill that it is? I would certainly choose the former. The fact that SHE enjoys cooking does not require him to eat. I am sure they can talk about what to do.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm quite confident that she's a responsible adult who's fully aware that she can choose. And her initial post didn't come across to me as though she's trying to decide whether or not to make a big deal out of anything. 



NobodySpecial said:


> She can choose. Does she make this a mountain? Or leave it the molehill that it is? I would certainly choose the former. The fact that SHE enjoys cooking does not require him to eat. I am sure they can talk about what to do.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

minimalME said:


> I'm quite confident that she's a responsible adult who's fully aware that she can choose. And her initial post didn't come across to me as though she's trying to decide whether or not to make a big deal out of anything.


You ok? Did I tweak your nose without realizing it?


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

waita minute. Is 6kg = 13 pounds? You are nagging him to lose 13 pounds?!


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I took the advice of just carrying on with the cooking and not worrying so much about who is eating it and at what time. I like cooking so I will cook. I like my family eating what i have cooked, but not necessarily at a particular time. I was just used to shouting "Dinner is ready!!!" and the three of them head for the kitchen like Pavlov's dogs and I hand them plates and motion them to put food on them. 

Now i have to ask what my husband has decided to ditch so I do not cook it. So the first to go was Cheese, which I was thankful for because i hate cheese. Then white rice was replaced by brown. I was brought up on brown s I had no issues with it, but the children were not keen for a week or two. We have halved our juice bill as water is taking over. My husband read that ginger is a natural appetite suppressant and our bill for fresh ginger is up. Plans are already advanced to grow our own. 

Reading about foods is increasing and I keep hearing about not to stave yourself to lose weight but to eat well and eat the right foods and exercise. We have started cycling again. We stop in the winter.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MaiChi said:


> I like cooking and I cook almost everyday.
> Over the last two years i have been nagging my husband to loose the 6kg he has put on since we got married in 2004. So he decided to stop eating late in the evening. This works fine and I was happy with it.
> Then last night he came home after I had cooked and said it was after 6 so past his eating time and he would eat the food another day. Because it as my doing, I found it difficult to argue, but I wanted him to eat.
> 
> I feel redundant at times.


He's trying to improve for the both of you. Let him do it. I understand the urge to feed people you love, and enjoy them enjoying the food. But I'm sure it hurt him more than it hurt you to pass up that food. Progress is often uncomfortable.

BTW, are you cutting back on carbs like bread, pasta, rice, potatoes in your cooking? I have found that is the best way to lose weight and relaxing about that is the fastest way to gain it.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> He's trying to improve for the both of you. Let him do it. I understand the urge to feed people you love, and enjoy them enjoying the food. But I'm sure it hurt him more than it hurt you to pass up that food. Progress is often uncomfortable.
> 
> *BTW*, are you cutting back on carbs like bread, pasta, rice, potatoes in your cooking? I have found that is the best way to lose weight and relaxing about that is the fastest way to gain it.


 While this has been brought up, I find that what WW is suggesting helps me manage hunger way better than strictly calorie consciousness.


----------



## Patata (May 10, 2017)

Skipping meal times is not a good way to diet. In fact, diets (as in, wanting to lose weight) are usually unhealthy and useless.

If you want him to lose some weight, the best way is to maintain a balanced diet. Fruits, vegetables, meats (prioritize white meat) and water. Lots of water. Never snack. Eat at meal times which means breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you feel hungry even though it's not meal times, drink water or eat a square of black chocolate.

I always gain 5 or more kilos when I go on vacations because I like to enjoy the local food. I usually weigh 52 kilos and I reach 58-59 kilos when I come back home. I lose my weight fast and easily because I resume my balanced diet again right after my holidays.

Those advices come from a friend of mine who's studying in dietetics. And I also live in Europe and don't do any sports at all (I know, I should) but I definitely walk a lot.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Patata said:


> Skipping meal times is not a good way to diet. In fact, diets (as in, wanting to lose weight) are usually unhealthy and useless.
> 
> If you want him to lose some weight, the best way is to maintain a balanced diet. Fruits, vegetables, meats (prioritize white meat) and water. Lots of water. Never snack. Eat at meal times which means breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you feel hungry even though it's not meal times, drink water or eat a square of black chocolate.
> 
> ...


Interesting thoughts there. Thanks. 

He actually is doing well in losing weight and he is not eating less food as far as I can tell. He is is a little more active and not eating late. The charge against me (made earlier as an awareness) of being a little controlling is maybe a little bit more than is the case. But my husband knows that I do not find large bellies attractive. My friend Joanne finds them to be the best. I do not. I prefer my man trim and active. 

We go cycling when it is warm. We also have a 30m by 25m patch where we grow our veg. It is a good gym.


----------

