# I don't know what to make of this?



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

So, DD was about 2 months ago and things have been just ehhhhh. I am in IC and he is seeing our MC individually at the moment because I just can't make myself go right now. Plus, I'm sitting back and seeing if he actually goes on his own. He volunteered full transparency and is going through all the "correct" motions. But, he doesn't seem fully in it mentally.

Anyway, he's had a few break throughs of remorse that seem genuine but they only come in very brief spurts. I printed out some info about how the BS feels that another poster gave me in a previous post and showed it to him. He read it and showed awareness of it for a day or two...but most of the time he just wants to pretend everything is ok and doesn't want me to keep dwelling on this. Last night I told him I was sensing that he was pretty distant and he got defensive as usual. If I didn't know better I would say he is:

a) continuing an affair
b) has one foot out the door
c) responding to my extreme disconnect and detachment

After confronting him he told me that this is his new, stronger, non-wimpy personality. I have told him for years that his usual clingyness, extreme jealousy etc was not attractive. But, I think the timing for such a change is quite odd assuming that HE is the WS. Shouldn't he be doing the "heavy-lifting"??

What do you guys think?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

What do I think?

a) Sending your H to MC without you is a very poor strategic move.

b) You told him to stop being clingy and jealous and he did, and now you don't like that either? No wonder you don't want to go to MC.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thanks for your honesty. I did go to a few sessions of MC but all I did was flip out and get crazy emotional and I HATE that so I wanted a little break from it and to see if he would continue going.

Also, I did want his behavior to change I guess I just suspect the timing? If he was really remoresful I think he would be acting a little different.
Who knows? Maybe I just won't be happy either way? Idk...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It is a very confusing time, crazytown. If you cannot go to MC, you might consider a few sessions of IC. This is not easy for anyone, and it's not a horrible thing to have a neutral guide.

Good luck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lamaga said:


> a) Sending your H to MC without you is a very poor strategic move.


Indeed. 

I read the statement that her resently caught WS was going to the MC alone and literally cringed.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your husband is full of it.
Being clingly, jelous, codependent.... of course is not atractive. Bus it's completely unrelated to be a hearless, clueless, ''get over it'' rugsweeper, he hurt you, he sees the damage, he needs to be empathic, compasive, create an enviroment which contribute to help you heal from his betrayal, instead of being detached and defensive. He's using his ''personal recovery'' to behave as the average unremorseful wayward. Following the tips means sh!t if he's not fully into helping you, they are a mere pre-requisite to rebuild the trust and eventually mend the marriage. I don't buy for a minute it's what's he is hearing from MC.
Full of it.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Indeed.
> 
> I read the statement that her resently caught WS was going to the MC alone and literally cringed.


Why? I'm serious. I didn't know that was that bad of a move... Is it because she will be more on HIS side now? 
My IC didn't act like it was a big deal. She said maybe he is bonding with the MC and building trust with her?
Can you please tell me?


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Acabado said:


> Your husband is full of it.
> Being clingly, jelous, codependent.... of course is not atractive. Bus it's completely unrelated to be a hearless, clueless, ''get over it'' rugsweeper, he hurt you, he sees the damage, he needs to be empathic, compasive, create an enviroment which contribute to help you heal from his betrayal, instead of being detached and defensive. He's using his ''personal recovery'' to behave as the average unremorseful wayward. Following the tips means sh!t if he's not fully into helping you, they are a mere pre-requisite to rebuild the trust and eventually mend the marriage. I don't buy for a minute it's what's he is hearing from MC.
> Full of it.


Thanks. That's what I thought too. Rug sweeping all the way!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's the not the end of the world that she didn't got to every MC session. MC is not a magic cure to everything. Initial stages of reconciliation should be 150% input from the WS. Alot of people make the mistake of chasing the cheater when it should be the other way around.

His periodic "remorse" episodes and attempts at rug sweeping is the real issue here. I think he might've read the 180 somewhere and thinks it's the proper way to reconcile with your BS, if that's the case he's in for a big shock.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Your husband is full of it.
> Being clingly, jelous, codependent.... of course is not atractive. Bus it's completely unrelated to be a hearless, clueless, ''get over it'' rugsweeper, he hurt you, he sees the damage, he needs to be empathic, compasive, create an enviroment which contribute to help you heal from his betrayal, instead of being detached and defensive. He's using his ''personal recovery'' to behave as the average unremorseful wayward. Following the tips means sh!t if he's not fully into helping you, they are a mere pre-requisite to rebuild the trust and eventually mend the marriage. I don't buy for a minute it's what's he is hearing from MC.
> Full of it.


I agree 100%


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Is it appropriate for me to start the 180 at this point??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I agree 100%


Me too.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You're already in a semi 180. I think you should continue the way you are with some concessions here and there and see if you can sense genuine remorse.


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