# Really upset right now...



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I just want to fvcking scream... Reallllllllly baaaadddddd.

My H got another speeding ticket! This is the 4th one in 4 years, since he got his license back from suspension for other speeding tickets prior to our marriage. And he has a DUI from 3 years ago that he JUST got off from probation.

And I'm going to be dependent on him in 2 weeks, financially?? He!! he may just lose his fvcking license now!!!! His insurance is through the roof as it is!

What the f can I do? I have always been openly critical of his speed! And we've gotten in arguments over it. 

What the he!! am I doing????


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Why are you going to be dependent on him in two weeks?

Sorry that you're going through all this.......................still. No change = same consequence.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

southern wife said:


> Why are you going to be dependent on him in two weeks?
> 
> Sorry that you're going through all this.......................still. No change = same consequence.


Because we made a decision a month ago to move and let me become a SAHM. We've been planning for me to be for 4 years, wanted it sooner when kids were infants. 

But I really have to think about this now. I gave my notice last week, but maybe I can talk to them.. I just don't know if I can put that much stock in him, especially with everything else that has happened during the course of our marriage.

Gawd I am p!ssed. I just told him I can't talk to him when he texted me and called. Nothing nice would come out of my mouth.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Some people are just aggressive drivers and will never change. One speeding ticket a year isn't going to make him lose his licence. There must be more to this story. If money is the problem, make sure he's doesn't buy anything special or new or for himself until it's all paid up. Can you still drive yourself places? Be too busy to drive his ass around if he loses his licence. Please also look at my post and offer advice!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

still.trying said:


> Some people are just aggressive drivers and will never change. One speeding ticket a year isn't going to make him lose his licence. There must be more to this story. If money is the problem, make sure he's doesn't buy anything special or new or for himself until it's all paid up. Can you still drive yourself places? Be too busy to drive his ass around if he loses his licence. Please also look at my post and offer advice!


Yes, I can drive. And yes, I'm too busy to cart a grown man around.. I did that the first year we were married when his licensed was suspended. And now he's going to have a two hour round trip commute to work when we move in two months. So no, I will not become a SAHM and a chauffeur to a grown man because he won't fvucking learn his lesson.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You should be pissed. How hard is it to not speed?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

sinnister said:


> You should be pissed. How hard is it to not speed?


And 87 in a 70 at that. He has a lifetime of driving infractions, when he could drive.

This I did not know when we got married, he!! he was driving on a suspended. 

He's going to kill someone or be killed if he doesn't learn his lesson and soon. I'm about 99.9% fed up with this.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

I understand. My husband is the same way. I just make sure not to pay his tickets with the "budget" money and make sure it comes out of his "flex" money. If he says he will cut it out and doesn't and he knows how mad it makes you, than just don't accomodate him when he loses his license. After all that, walk away from the subject. It's his problem not yours. Unless he drives that way with the kids in the car. That's a different topic.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

still.trying said:


> I understand. My husband is the same way. I just make sure not to pay his tickets with the "budget" money and make sure it comes out of his "flex" money. If he says he will cut it out and doesn't and he knows how mad it makes you, than just don't accomodate him when he loses his license. After all that, walk away from the subject. It's his problem not yours. Unless he drives that way with the kids in the car. That's a different topic.


We have no flex money. That's part of the reason we're moving too. To position ourselves for a better future, but every cent we make right now is allocated to get us down there in 2 months. And the ticket is due in 45 days. We'll figure the money thing out, but I do all the finances, so I'm the one that gets to find the money in our budget for yet another one of his tickets.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

((((Cherry)))) I don't have any advice, he needs to grow up and not drive like a 17 year old, but if having his license suspended didn't teach him that, I don't know what will. So sorry you're dealing with this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

SMH.

Personally with his track record I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Not with finances, not with being responsible for the family, NOTHING. He's a ticking time bomb of a person. No patience and really very mean. Maybe he's gotten better with that attitude of his, but I'd still need a lot more to ever be convinced I could depend on him for anything. 

Maybe if he were able to walk on water? I think that would satisfy me.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

A Bit Much said:


> SMH.
> 
> Personally with his track record I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Not with finances, not with being responsible for the family, NOTHING. He's a ticking time bomb of a person. No patience and really very mean. Maybe he's gotten better with that attitude of his, but I'd still need a lot more to ever be convinced I could depend on him for anything.
> 
> Maybe if he were able to walk on water? I think that would satisfy me.


I think I'm really getting to that point where I feel that too. This may be deeper than I ever realized.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Sometimes I tend to feel like things happen for a reason. Maybe the speeding ticket is a wake up call to you to seriously question whether you should put your livelihood entirely in his hands right now. I don't know ...just sayin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> SMH.
> 
> Personally with his track record I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Not with finances, not with being responsible for the family, NOTHING. He's a ticking time bomb of a person. No patience and really very mean. Maybe he's gotten better with that attitude of his, but I'd still need a lot more to ever be convinced I could depend on him for anything.
> 
> Maybe if he were able to walk on water? I think that would satisfy me.


I agree.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

What made you decide to marry someone who is very irresponsible?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

don't give up your job/independence feeling the way you do...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

FirstYearDown said:


> What made you decide to marry someone who is very irresponsible?


lol.. because I was apparently being irresponsible myself back then. I'm definitely paying the price for my irresponsible choices... But then again I've been blessed with two healthy children during this whole mess of a marriage... So I can't say its been all turmoil. 

I have a lot of thinking to do.. I have options, some harder than others.. I just don't know.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Four speeding tickets in four years IS a big deal. This is a guy who just doesn't give a shizz. My wife used to get popped once a year and I flat out told her that if she got another ticket, she had to change jobs (she's a medical sales rep). I also showed her my quote for auto insurance versus a quote for both of us. That snapped her into shape pretty quickly and she hasn't gotten a ticket in about four years.

Does he understand the consequences of his actions? Have you shown him how much more you're paying in insurance due to his behavior over what you should be paying? If all you're doing is getting mad and that's not changing his behavior, then it's time to try something new...like ultimatums.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

C123 said:


> Four speeding tickets in four years IS a big deal. This is a guy who just doesn't give a shizz. My wife used to get popped once a year and I flat out told her that if she got another ticket, she had to change jobs (she's a medical sales rep). I also showed her my quote for auto insurance versus a quote for both of us. That snapped her into shape pretty quickly and she hasn't gotten a ticket in about four years.
> 
> Does he understand the consequences of his actions? Have you shown him how much more you're paying in insurance due to his behavior over what you should be paying? If all you're doing is getting mad and that's not changing his behavior, then it's time to try something new...like ultimatums.


Yeah.. I'm thinking. It's really ruined my day.

I did mention the insurance, mine is $70 for full coverage on two vehicles... His is $200 currently and that doesnt include this one or the one from 6 months ago.

I'm really fuming. And all he can say is "you're really this mad over a ticket?". My gawd, he doesn't fvcking get it!


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## Know_Buddy (Mar 13, 2012)

all the problems in the past and now his attitude towards this.
i dont think i would put my whole well being in his hands at this point.
he has sure shown no responsibility about anything and now you want to move out to the country with him and him be the sole income, wow.

and doesnt he realize this ticket is not just about this ticket?
it just shows more about his attitude towards things and his responsibility level, which seems to be extremely low.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

The straw that could potentially break the camels back. It is a red flag to continuing problems in this marriage. Sometimes things get broken beyond repair.. who knows.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband driving too fast upsets you. Apparently, that does not factor into his choice to continue to do so.

You've argued about this. No change.

You've pointed out to him the impact on insurance costs. No change.

He'll change when and if he wants to change. And it won't necessarily be his driving.

You have no boundaries in place. And by boundaries I don't mean telling him, "You are NOT going to drive like a maniac any longer." Put a boundary in place that will be for you: "I can no longer afford to insure you. I am getting a separate policy, because I am a safe driver. You will have to shop for your own policy." 

If you quit your job, particularly in this bad economy, and rely on your husband, I think you may have even more stress added to your life.

I understand your being upset. But it doesn't appear that hubs is flustered about this latest driving snafu. So maybe you should take some of that justifiable anger and channel it into keeping your job and doing the best you can do.

Things may improve in time, but to give up your income .... not a very good idea at this time.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> don't give up your job/independence feeling the way you do...


Agree. Sorry, no good advice, but I can relate. My W is a careless driver with a lead foot. She's had a few tickets over the years. A couple of years ago, she totalled our van. I got on her about it. A year later, in basically the same type of accident, she wrecked the replacement van...500+ miles from home. When she first called, and when I arrived on the scene, she was hysterical and begging me to not divorce her. I had never mentioned that, and gave no indication of it. Either way, she promised to be more careful. I rode with her about a month ago...the lead foot is still there. 

I don't know what you can with an "adult" in this situation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cherry said:


> The straw that could potentially break the camels back. It is a red flag to continuing problems in this marriage. Sometimes things get broken beyond repair.. who knows.


His attitude about this is the same as his attitude about everything else wrong in your relationship. No.big.deal.


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## workaholic (Jul 16, 2012)

What about getting a radar detector?

I know it's just a band-aid, but believe it or not, those things make you a slower driver. Every traffic camera, every fast food joint, all sorts of things set them off, and you slow down, even if just for a little bit, but then the darn thing goes off again, so you slow down again, and so on...

Point out the insurance costs, and tell him "since you won't learn, I sprung for this".

Just a thought. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

workaholic said:


> What about getting a radar detector?
> 
> I know it's just a band-aid, but believe it or not, those things make you a slower driver. Every traffic camera, every fast food joint, all sorts of things set them off, and you slow down, even if just for a little bit, but then the darn thing goes off again, so you slow down again, and so on...
> 
> ...


Isnt that rewarding him? I know what you're saying, one would think if it went off enough.. he'd eventually just drive slower... I think he'd just start ignoring the beeps though. Anyway, not right now.. we gotta pay for the damn ticket. And I guess the state we're moving to, 15 over is consider excessive speeding/reckless driving. So a DUI and reckless driving in the span of 3 years.

BUT... I will get busy today, not worry about how much our insurance might go up, etc. It's his to deal with. We're trading his full coverage car for a paid off truck...which was already planned and he can call that state to find out rates for him. 

I could barely look at him last night. It really angers me to no end that he did this. Totally avoidable.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

One of the reasons I don't drive is I am terrible at it. People look down on me for not having a licence, but I know I am being more responsible than some idiots who should not be on the road. 

I am glad that you were able to have two beautiful kids with your husband. However, there are SEVERAL huge red banners (not just flags) that you have mentioned. I wonder why you did not run the other way. Convicted felon and drug user? Yeah, not hubby material. Sorry babe....just being honest and not trying to be mean. It doesn't seem like his attitude towards responsibilities and adult choices have changed. Only you can decide if this is the kind of husband you want. I wish you strength and clarity.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry said:


> What the f can I do? I have always been openly critical of his speed! And we've gotten in arguments over it.
> 
> What the he!! am I doing????


You are going to do exactly what you want to do. People are like that. Maybe just venting has helped you; at least, I hope it has.

Sounds like you are moving to another state, quitting your job, and going with husband.

Being openly critical, getting ticked off at him, discussing his poor driving record ... all ways you have tried to control his bad driving habits. None of it works, but you have every right to continue trying. One thing I've discovered is it takes a lot of energy to try to control someone else's behavior. And it doesn't work.

Being a SAHM is a challenging job, but also a rewarding one. So, from what I believe I'm "hearing" on your latest post is you are going to quit your job, move to another state, and rely on husband to provide for the family.

If that is your decision, fine. I really hope things work out for you. I can only see this from where I sit, and if I had a "mess" for a marriage, the last thing I would want to do is tie myself economically to someone who doesn't appear to be particularly reliable.

Your life. Your choices.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I guess the reality is that this move is for me. He will be responsible for providing day to day living expenses, but not the roof over our heads. Should he fail, we actually will be in a better living environment than we are now.. but I do want him to succeed. 

And I think if he's down to speeding violations, he's improving.. lol.

And yes, it does still terrify me to volunterily walk away from a good paying job and rely on him. But he has worked every day that he could since we've been married and then some (he'd remodel the house on his days off, or do all the household cleaning, and let me relax because I took care of the kids on Saturday by myself).. He's been a jerk, and he has genuinely doubled or tripled the make up. I don't doubt that he will continue to work to provide for us.

I guess what I doubt are my feelings for him fading. When he does something like this, it is a reminder of all the other sh!t that he's done. It's one step forward, two steps back.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

What about getting a regulator on the car? One that won't let it go over 80? He's still get tickets in town but...

I wouldn't walk away from your good paying job when your marriage is so shaky. Sounds like a recipe for you feeling more helpless than you already do.


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