# How would you handle this one?



## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

My wife had an EA with a co worker for about three months. Of course, it was "just friends", and he turned out to bi-sexual, and not really a threat for a PA. However, it did put a major dent in my ability to be close to my wife during their 16,000 text marathon over three months.

Make a long story short, I ended it abruptly, after watching this for three months, and getting super frustrated.

They still work together, but I know for a fact that they don't even say hello to each other.
The tension must be really high between them, and I feel as if my wife brings it home with her.

_*FWIW.... Last week, my wife wasn't feeling well, and decided to take a week off. During that week, she had an epiphany, and proclaimed her desire to be happily married.. once again. She showed love, affection, and all seemed somewhat normal.
That all ended, as soon as she went back to work.*_I'm gonna put all other marital issues aside for a moment.

Here's my question:

She works as a local Walmart.

She gets along just fine with all her co workers. Once a week, they all go out to a local place. Maybe a Burrito bar, Tex mex, Fridays, or soemthing similiar.
Because her ex EA goes, my wife will NOT go, but I know she BADLY wants to be there.
She comes home very bitter every time they go out after work.
She resents ME for stopping her from going. I see it, I feel it. She stares at her Facebook, sees all the images from her partying co workers, and gets real mean.

How do I deal with this every week?


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

I am going through a divorce right now as a result of an emotional affair. I know how hard it can be. I have read alot online about how EA's can be more damaging than PA's and I truly believe that. I have been nothing but a good husband and the fact that my wife sought out someone else to grow attached to emotionally has very deeply scarred me. 

I realize that because of her inability to be faithful that I will be better off, but I truly feel like a fool. I am having a hard time realizing that I can't control someone else and she strayed from our marriage because of something in her emotional or mental makeup and that is not my fault but it is hard to come to terms with.

When I struggle with being alone and feel like calling her and saying something stupid like "Let's work this out," I have to remind myself that she did something so despicable that why would I want her back.

I am not saying to divorce your wife but she obviously has a committment problem and you should probably insist on relationship counseling. Her attitude does not sound like someone who is 100% committed. I am truly sorry you are going through this.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I refuse to put myself in a position of "making" my spouse do anything. I forget the right words to say but I've seen it here. Basically in a nutshell I'd tell her I'm not stopping her from doing anything but there are consequences to those choices.

If she doesn't go to those outings it needs to be her choice not yours. Otherwise yes resentment is what you get.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I refuse to put myself in a position of "making" my spouse do anything. I forget the right words to say but I've seen it here. Basically in a nutshell I'd tell her I'm not stopping her from doing anything but there are consequences to those choices.
> 
> If she doesn't go to those outings it needs to be her choice not yours. Otherwise yes resentment is what you get.



Oh no... I encourage her to go! Trust me, that guy will NOT go near her. He knows the serious consequences I've presented to him.
That's the problem. He's there all the time, and she wants to go, but knows that she'll be uncomfortable.

I wish she would go. I think it's part of her healing process.

But she won't and she hates me for it..... Because I broke up the EA.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Can you go with her?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> Can you go with her?


That wouldn't look too good. If I were her, I would feel as if I was being watched.

I would prefer that she get her "space", and enjoy her time with HER friends.

I'll give it time.

For other reason, it may not matter. My wife and I, seem pretty close to the "end". Not sure how much more effort will go into our marriage, at this point.


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## CaitlynCat (Jun 1, 2012)

I know I'm a tad harsh when it comes to stuff but in my opinion if she really wants the marriage to work then she would happily give up whatever she needed to give up in order to make it work. There are always other times to catch up with friends. It's asking yourself what's more important. Hangin with friends or spending time healing your marriage. Seems like a no brainer to me.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

In my view, the problem is that _you_ halted the EA, instead of directing _her_ to do so. She should've been made aware that she had to end the EA, or face the consequences. Now she can say, "He _made_ you stop talking to me." 

And you say you know she doesn't talk to him at work? How do you come by this information? Are you bugging her with hidden cams? Paying a co-worker to spy on her? Or are you trusting that she - the one who would've happily continued the EA - is being honest with you?

I think you're being naive here. I think the real reason she isn't going is so she can say that "Yeah, you _say _I can go, but you know it'll be super awkward because you told him not to talk to me. You never let me have any fun." I think you're getting played.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Undertheradar said:


> *That wouldn't look too good. If I were her, I would feel as if I was being watched.*
> 
> I would prefer that she get her "space", and enjoy her time with HER friends.
> 
> ...


So? She had an EA. She wants to spend time with her friends... what difference does it make if she feels she is being watched? Seriously, if she wants to go, just go with her. Nobody says you have to go EVERY time, but at least show that you are fine with her going with her friends (if, indeed, you are). I wouldn't be ok with my spouse going along with a former EA in the group, but that's me.

One more thing... JUST because he's bisexual, don't discount the threat of a PA on that alone. You would be surprised how sympathetic/empathetic a bisexual man can be.... and how EASILY he can get the train of thought to turn that way. I'll be honest. The guy I had an EA with (actually, both of them, come to think of it) was bisexual. And, had we ever met in person, it likely would have gone physical. It's not about the person's sexual orientation... it's about the attraction. And, if he was, or is, sexually attracted to her and vice versa, the fact that he is bisexual would have no bearing.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> One more thing... JUST because he's bisexual, don't discount the threat of a PA on that alone. You would be surprised how sympathetic/empathetic a bisexual man can be.... and how EASILY he can get the train of thought to turn that way.


:iagree:


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Undertheradar said:


> She works as a local Walmart.
> 
> *She gets along just fine with all her co workers. Once a week, they all go out to a local place. Maybe a Burrito bar, Tex mex, Fridays, or soemthing similiar.
> Because her ex EA goes, my wife will NOT go, but I know she BADLY wants to be there.
> ...


I've read some very childish antics, but this has got to top the list.
WTH?
Come on already, I'm all for social interactions with my friends but 1) I would NEVER put anyone else before my husband 2) What is going to happen at these get togethers that hasn't already happened?
She is pouting & acting like a child.
She made the right choice for her marriage by not going & that is what is pissing her off because she can't cake eat. 
Seems like this is the perfect opportunity to see a MC, find out what it is she really wants; you, the guy from work or her friends.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This post is a year old.


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## CaitlynCat (Jun 1, 2012)

lol....didnt' even realize the date.


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