# Do you agree?



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I posted about MC earlier but I forgot this part and wanted to know what you all think. She said she sees a lot of couples where after they get married, move in together, or buy a house together the sex just changes for the worse like its a natural part of the process. 
I said "people get lazy and complacent because they feel like they don't have to try anymore." she seemed surprised. 
I truly believe that this is a choice people make and I think it's selfish. 
And I bet in every couple this happens to there is one partner left thinking "wtf happened?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The world is full of stupid people. It's full of evil people. It's full of cruel people. That doesn't give anyone moral justification to be one of them. For any evil behavior you could possibly imagine, there are others doing it. There are also happy, loving marriages that last 80+ years. If your wife just has to emulate other couples, wouldn't it make more sense for her to try to emulate the successful, happy marriages? She didn't marry the rest of the world. She married you. What other husbands want, get, or can tolerate is not not an issue. Her job is to take care of the particular needs of the husband she's got.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree with you. 

It also seems a lot of people as they get older put on weight, become less active and require more medical care. It doesn't mean though you can't choose to be the rare person that works to eat healthy and stay active so you don't follow the usual pattern. It takes effort to stay physically healthy...keeping a marriage healthy is no different.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think it's more complicated than to just say someone is selfish. There is lot to the sex dynamic than just this.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I said "people get lazy and complacent because they feel like they don't have to try anymore."


I agree that people get complacent. 

Relationships require effort to keep them healthy. Part of that is recognizing that you need to take the time to try and kindle the desire inside, just like you did in the beginning. Also they have to be able to grow and evolve the relationship, just like the people involved.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You know what your partner needs. You have it. If you don't provide it, you're just plain selfish. What's complicated about that?If your baby was hungry and you had food but didn't provide it because you just didn't feel like it, you'd be arrested. A spouse who has sexual needs can only get those needs filled, legitimately from a single source. You wouldn't keep an employee who only produced when she felt like it. No bank would make a loan to someone who would make their payment only if they happened to feel like it. Why should it be ok to expect one's spouse to tolerate wishy washy behavior we'd never accept from anyone else? Would it be ok for your husband to only go to work on the days he feels like it or to only share his pay if he happened to be in the mood? My marriage vows didn't include the words "as long as I feel like it".


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You know what your partner needs. You have it. If you don't provide it, you're just plain selfish. What's complicated about that?If your baby was hungry and you had food but didn't provide it because you just didn't feel like it, you'd be arrested. A spouse who has sexual needs can only get those needs filled, legitimately from a single source. You wouldn't keep an employee who only produced when she felt like it. No bank would make a loan to someone who would make their payment only if they happened to feel like it. Why should it be ok to expect one's spouse to tolerate wishy washy behavior we'd never accept from anyone else? Would it be ok for your husband to only go to work on the days he feels like it or to only share his pay if he happened to be in the mood? My marriage vows didn't include the words "as long as I feel like it".


I agree with you, partly. It's part of the vows, to not go outside the marriage to get your needs met.

It's also part of the vows to treat each other well enough that the sex doesn't disappear due to other issues.

Many many times the lack of sex is a sympton of something else. You can't pick and choose which vows you will hold someone to. It's all of them. Including love, cherish, etc etc.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I think it's more complicated than to just say someone is selfish. There is lot to the sex dynamic than just this.


:iagree:
Sex is not just a physical need, there is emotion and psychology. People's view of sex is often a product of their upbringing, how they were introduced to it, learned about it, their initial experiences with it. 

I also agree that people can get complacent and lazy, but that is only some people, not all people. And for those who do get lazy/complacent, that isn't necessarily a conscious choice. But when your SO lets you know that a problem exists, then you are making a conscious choice whether to address it or not. But one spouse may view the reason as laziness or selfishness when that may not be the issue at all.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Relationships are hard. Sex is often a symptom of a bigger problem. Yes it is true that it is easy to get lazy. Men often forget that the way you keep her is the way you won her. Women often forget, or do not know, that sex is the way a man feels intimate. Men often forget, or do not know that a woman (in general) needs to feel intimate in order to want sex. Since we got married so young (16 & 17) we had some really hard years. In fact, there were times that we did not like each other at all. Today we are best friends, and the sex is great. People can grow, people can learn new patterns of behavior. It is easy to see the things in my wife that need changed. It is entirely different to see the things in my life that need to be changed. Some people would rather not go through all trouble or even emotional pain to deal with their own crap.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

I agree with you, sex problems in marriage usually started elsewhere. Women need to feel safe and secure with her man, for them to able to feel intimate. Trust also plays a great part for women to be able to feel intimate. 
Sex on the other hand is very different. Women will want sex on her ovulation period, that's nature. 
Women may even want sex from people they don't trust, who knows how to turn them on.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

This is, essentially, the old "nature vs. nuture" argument. Here, as there, the answer is, "both."

Declining sex in long-term relationships is both a choice and a natural result of our biology.

The main chemical involved in sexual attraction though love is dopamine. This gives the high that makes your spouse occupy your thoughts and dreams.

Oxytocin and vasopressin are also released during cuddling, orgasm, and bonding experiences. These are the pair-bond chemicals. Over time, these chemicals can overwhelm the dopamine in the brain and give the "ILYBINILWY" feeling.

So, to keep up dopamine levels, couples need to have frequent sex and do new and interesting things. Couples should also be aware of their biology and commit to work through any ILYBINILWY feelings to try to get back to the attraction and lust that is possible.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I posted about MC earlier but I forgot this part and wanted to know what you all think. She said she sees a lot of couples where after they get married, move in together, or buy a house together the sex just changes for the worse like its a natural part of the process.
> I said "people get lazy and complacent because they feel like they don't have to try anymore." she seemed surprised.
> I truly believe that this is a choice people make and I think it's selfish.
> And I bet in every couple this happens to there is one partner left thinking "wtf happened?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The wtf happened moments for me are when something is clearly different now than it was at the beginning.

I don't think wtf happened all the time. I know even my libido has dropped off from the beginning. Early on, I wanted it daily, now 2-3 times a week is good for me.

Where I go wtf is when I get turned down when I know I wouldn't have at the beginning. Take yesterday for example. It'd been about four days or so, and I was in the mood. Now the SO likes to watch some certain TV shows and one of them is Survivor. The premiere for Season 23547 or whatever theya re at now was coming on last night. So, knowing this, when I came home after work (she was already home after a day at school) I waited for about half an hour or so, took my time unwinding myself from a day at the office, and then, before she supper was ready (we had about 45 minutes) and suggested we go and fool around.

She acted as if I had just asked her to pull a plow around the farm. The reaction pissed me off, but that's another story. The fact I got a no is something I know I wouldn't have got at the beginning of our relationship. I remember times when I'd get off work at 10:00 p.m., call her at her place and suggest she come visit me, and even if she was in pajamas ready for bed, she'd get dressed, come on over and visit, even knowing that 80% of that visit was going to be spent in the bedroom.

The difference is effort and enthusiasm. The enthusiasm is still there, don't get me wrong. I don't get a reaction like that very often (and if I did, I wouldn't stay) and hadn't in some time. What isn't there is the effort. Not as much as I'd like or as much as what used to be there. I think she, like so many other spouses before, has settled into a comfortable routine. Now, there are just certain things and times you don't even bother trying for. But it's up to her to get out of that rut, not me. I'm more than willing to help spice up our sex life, and I have said as such. It's up to her to do something with it. I doubt she will. Lots of positive talk, very little positive action. 

I think the same applies in your case. Your wife doesn't have to put in the same level of effort as she did before, so she doesn't. Unless you are in a position to make that happen, you either have to tough it out or leave. Hopefully communication works for you, but unless you have something to make her want to try harder at sex, she won't. That's the way humans function generally, they don't do something without a motivator. Here's hoping your wife has a motivator and you can find it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well I'm the woman and married to a guy. There is a lot more to it that we are working out. I just thought it was odd that an MC would say its normal and ok to just lose the spark after you feel like you "have" your partner. That's what pissed me off in the first place. I really thought he had done a bait and switch on me and I was so angry. 
And then he felt bad for letting me down and it just spiraled. 
I'm hoping we are over this hump because things have been improving a lot. Yesterday during the day he actually texted me and said that he wanted to have sex last night. He never has done that, he would never tell me ahead of time even if I asked. It was a guessing game and drive me nuts. And he actually told he what kind of lingerie he really likes, never would really tell me before and was vague. So I got an outfit and surprised him. 
And usually if I start doing something to myself he says "that's my job" but he just put his hand over mine. 
I guess this MC knows what she's doing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And I guess my general unhappiness and the fighting was enough to motivate him to go to MC with me. That and I threatened to kick him out after funding out he was denying me sex, didn't want me to masturbate and when we had our weekly session it was vanilla and boring, then I found out he was masturbating. It wasn't pretty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I suspect you may want to do a little more shopping around for a good MC.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you want to have a "happy" marriage, make it a point to never marry a LIAR. An accomplished liar can make you believe one thing while dating and change to something completely different once the hook is set.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yep. And that's what happened with my ex, which is why I lost it when this happened. I thought he was doing the same thing. It turned out to be a LOT more complicated than that. And now I do feel bad that I was so suspicious and didn't trust but that's what happens when you've been burned. Thankfully we both understand each other now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> I posted about MC earlier but I forgot this part and wanted to know what you all think. She said she sees a lot of couples where after they get married, move in together, or buy a house together the sex just changes for the worse like its a natural part of the process.
> I said "people get lazy and complacent because they feel like they don't have to try anymore." she seemed surprised.
> I truly believe that this is a choice people make and I think it's selfish.
> *And I bet in every couple this happens to there is one partner left thinking "wtf happened?"*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 yes, i am the one who is sitting here thinking WTF happened!


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