# Confused about reconciling.



## Confused42

My husband and I have been seperated for almost 5 months our divorce is almost final. 

I never wanted the divorce but my husband really wanted out. Never gave me reasons told me that he would always love me but he needed space. I felt like he was having a MLC. 

There has not been another woman. 

Now out of the blue he wants to try to get back together. He sends this in a text. I agreed to talk about things. He has been depressed lost 45 lbs. Hes been very unhappy seperated from me. He has a very hard job. He has basically not had a day off in 5 months. 

We have went out to dinner a couple of times and its been three weeks since we decided to try again. He is currently living in a camper at his sisters home. I have asked him yesterday to come home but he won't. He tells me he still doesnt know what he wants. 

He has a problem with my 20 year old daughter, they have a hard time getting along and he says there is no drauma where he's living. I can say that we have went through the typical teenager to 20's smart mouth stage with her. But she is very mature now. She just really dislikes him for what hes put me through and she tells him. A LOT!

So what do you guys think about all of this and any advice? 

I feel like hes trying to make me choose between the tow of them. I have told him that theres no contest. I should not have to choose between them and I won't.


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## casaloca

Hi Confused42. I know it’s been a while since you posted, but as I read this…just had to send you a cyber-hug! This is certainly a tough situation. On the one hand, it's pretty clear that neither you nor your hubby are quite ready to see your marriage end. Seems like there's a lot of reason to hope that you could successfully reconcile. 

But, feeling like you have to make a choice between your husband and your daughter is an impossible decision...an issue that would have to be resolved in order for this to work. Have you spoken to a counselor at all, specifically about the relationship between the two of them? If you’d like to talk to someone over the phone (it’s free through my workplace, Focus on the Family), you can give a call to the counseling department there (855-771-4357). Might be worth a try?

If you do head for reconciliation, Gary Chapman has written a book called "Hope for the Separated" that is a great resource for walking you through steps to take to get back together, making sure there's resolution at each point. Anyway….just my thoughts. Hang in there – one day at a time! Keep us posted, ok?


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## Confused42

Thanks for replying I will check out the book. I like to read Gary Chapmans books. We haven't been to a counselor yet. I am hoping to get him to go. I went by myself for a long time but recently stopped going. I didnt feel like the counselor was really helping me move on. I just got to the point that i didnt want to talk about it anymore and that i was wallowing in self pitty.

Hubby has come over several times this week and actually stayed quite late last night but he states he feels uncomfortable around me sometimes and he feels guilty for all the pain hes caused. He feels uncomfortable in his own home. 

He states hes just not ready do do to much but wants to take baby steps. 

He and my daughter has never really gotten along they have each always just stayed out of each others way. Now shes 21 and thinks she needs to tell him hes scum everytime she sees him. It has caused a lot of problems between me and her and definately not helping us reconcile.


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## This is me

I think the reality s you have to choose between them with bounderies. No marriage should be burdened with an adult child, but that is easier said then done.

So if you love him and are willing to make it work, you will need to set bounderies with your daughter. You did highlight "A Lot" which to me reads as too much.


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## casaloca

Yep...agree with ThisIsMe....boundaries will be key. That's why I think it might be very important to call in a counselor to help specifically with the boundary setting. Sometimes having that uninvolved person there can help guide the conversation and make it harder for any one person to run the show, or to shut down.....I'm really sorry you're in this spot.....but hoping it will work out for the three of you and that some healing will take place there.


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## Confused42

My daughter absolutely refuses to firgive him for anything. I think he would be more willing but neither one will do counseling. 

Once she decides not to like someone thats it for her. She has been this way all of her life a very difficult person.


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## MSC71

Confused42 said:


> My daughter absolutely refuses to firgive him for anything. I think he would be more willing but neither one will do counseling.
> 
> Once she decides not to like someone thats it for her. She has been this way all of her life a very difficult person.


Sounds like my stbxw. Holds grudges.


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## YupItsMe

Tell your daughter you love her but to 

1. shut up
2. butt out
3. grow up
4. get real
5. stop being selfish and start respecting your decisions

or you will have to 

1. limit her visits to your home to when your husband isnt there
2. only meet her outside of the house
3. walk away when she starts dissing your husband until she can learn to respect your wishes

you allowed your daughter to ruin your marriage because she is a snotty, ignoramus and you have no backbone to shut her up when she is driving away your husband.

Why would he want to be around here smart mouth or support you in letting her run off at the mouth.

You see your confusion is here. You dont need to choose between him and her. You need to choose between right and wrong. SHe is wrong. He is right. Tell her so and she can go get a clue while you put yourmarriage back together. 

Sorry for the tough love but I hate to see you or your husband miserable when the problem is so obvious. Im not going to coddle you like you do your daughter when she is totally out of line. Nothing good comes from it.


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## Confused42

> Tell your daughter you love her but to
> 
> 1. shut up
> 2. butt out
> 3. grow up
> 4. get real
> 5. stop being selfish and start respecting your decisions
> 
> or you will have to
> 
> 1. limit her visits to your home to when your husband isnt there
> 2. only meet her outside of the house
> 3. walk away when she starts dissing your husband until she can learn to respect your wishes
> 
> you allowed your daughter to ruin your marriage because she is a snotty, ignoramus and you have no backbone to shut her up when she is driving away your husband.
> 
> Why would he want to be around here smart mouth or support you in letting her run off at the mouth.










Well Fist of all my daughter didnt ruin my marriage. My husband did 14 years ago when he left me pregnant and alone. So you kinda commented a little too much here. Her feelings toward him are kinda relevant because he left our whole family. 

I do not condone angry actions in my home so this is really not what its about. She is 21 years old. Very smart and intellegent but she is having a hard time understanding why I want to "fix" my marriage with him. She wants me to walk away.


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