# It appears my husband likes to look and not touch



## SoulMateBeliever (Mar 17, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for about 20 years. We have had ups and down but have stayed together. Our sex life is great 5-7 times a week- sometimes more... Very satisfying.
However, I find out that he is on porn sites all the time and has even done searches for prostitutes and costs etc.... 
He has cheated in the past but I do not believe he is cheating now as we both work from home and spend all of our time together.

Why would a man do this??? I have checked up on him and do not find any evidence he has done more than 'look' but i am not sure why. He says that our sex life is great and he is very attracted to me. I can tell he is by his reaction whenever we kiss, touch or etc...

Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do?


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## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

SoulMateBeliever said:


> My husband and I have been married for about 20 years. We have had ups and down but have stayed together. Our sex life is great 5-7 times a week- sometimes more... Very satisfying.
> However, I find out that he is on porn sites all the time and has even done searches for prostitutes and costs etc....
> He has cheated in the past but I do not believe he is cheating now as we both work from home and spend all of our time together.
> 
> ...


I've never dealt with this but have you considered that maybe he wants to explore things that he might think you don't like? I guess just be honest with him and ask him what's going on.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I look at porn all of the time. It's fantasy and only that! It's what you can't have (like expensive artwork or fine cars). As long as it doesn't interfere or replace the sex in your marriage, then I wouldn't worry about looking at porn (and it doesn't seem that 5-7 times is hurting you).
The part about looking up hookers and prices is what concerns me. I don't think you inquire about price if you aren't interested in purchasing!!!! Time to have a serious chat w/ him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I agree, time for a heart to heart....


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Ya, inquiring for prostitutes is only the beginning of aquiring one. 

It's like when you think you want to go see a movie but your not really sure, so you start looking at what movies are playing and where they are playing and finding out what theater has the best prices. 

After you have decided what movie you want to see and which theater is reasonably priced, all you have to do is decide what day/time you want to go.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm also a "look but don't touch" type. My W knows this. She knows i am human and not a robot that can shut down feelings of lust when I see someone sexy.

I know she looks, too. And as long as I'm the one she says goodnight and good morning to, it's okay.


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## SoulMateBeliever (Mar 17, 2011)

I do not mind the porn that much. I relaize that is pretty normal. I am more concerned about the searches for protitutes. have you done this as well and not acted on it? I am jsut trying to find out if lots of guys do thia and do not follow through.. thanks


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## SoulMateBeliever (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> I look at porn all of the time. It's fantasy and only that! It's what you can't have (like expensive artwork or fine cars). As long as it doesn't interfere or replace the sex in your marriage, then I wouldn't worry about looking at porn (and it doesn't seem that 5-7 times is hurting you).
> The part about looking up hookers and prices is what concerns me. I don't think you inquire about price if you aren't interested in purchasing!!!! Time to have a serious chat w/ him.


I find this response really distasteful. Do realise you are likening the original poster to something 'lesser'? Like, your analogy is 'I have an OK car / no car, but I would LOVE an expensive one!'. 

Porn shouldnt be something you 'want but cant have'. **** that! It's immature to want that over an actual relationship. A loving, connecting relationship is 100% better than pornographic sex. Something pornographic might be fun and titilating but its in no way like the car analogy suggests.

The WIFE is the expensive car he already has, that he should be loving and cherishing (if you need to compare people to cars). The porn is...I dunno. Something far lesser than that. It's like riding the dodgems at the fairground in comparison.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

If the OP does not take an issue with a post, why should anyone else? I doubt that Working meant to liken the OP to something lesser.
She also did not say that her husband is choosing porn over the relationship. People use analogies that they are comfortable with. Not everyone shares the same views.
Just because a man looks at porn, it does not mean that he does not cherish his wife.
I do not get jealous if my husband notices a porn star's sexiness. I am mature enough to accept that there are women who are better looking than me. LOL We cannot compare ourselves to those on camera for a living. They do not live in the real world.
The searching for prices of prostitutes is a red flag. Soulmate, after you enjoy some of that hot sex, whisper in your husband's ear. Ask him if there is anything new he has wanted to try. He might be interested in prostitutes, because he may fear that you will be put off by a new sex act. What was the marriage like when the cheating occured?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Xena said:


> I find this response really distasteful. Do realise you are likening the original poster to something 'lesser'? Like, your analogy is 'I have an OK car / no car, but I would LOVE an expensive one!'.
> 
> Porn shouldnt be something you 'want but cant have'. **** that! It's immature to want that over an actual relationship. A loving, connecting relationship is 100% better than pornographic sex. Something pornographic might be fun and titilating but its in no way like the car analogy suggests.
> 
> The WIFE is the expensive car he already has, that he should be loving and cherishing (if you need to compare people to cars). The porn is...I dunno. Something far lesser than that. It's like riding the dodgems at the fairground in comparison.


I don't presume to speak for any man...but IMO I think what he meant was fine cars and porn are both fantasy but didn't really mean to equate porn with being higher end than a wife. I think most guys would agree that the prospect of actually being with a porn star is not appealing in the least...even with a full pack of condoms on.


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## Sweet1inedh (Nov 14, 2012)

I am in the same boat so to speak. I have been married to my husband for 8 months but together for 9 years. Second marriage for both of us. I am highly sexual...I try to initiate it ALL the time, but he being a bit older than I, says he can't do it all the time. Says he's not as young as he use to be. I surprise him with role playing...dressing up..... I've even invited another woman twice to join us and it was an amazing time. I am a very secure woman and I know at the end of the day I'm the one he is sleeping with. I find him watching porn many times and although I enjoy it as well and watch it too I want him to direct his sexual energy my way. I don't know what else to try.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sweet1inedh said:


> I am in the same boat so to speak. I have been married to my husband for 8 months but together for 9 years. Second marriage for both of us. I am highly sexual...I try to initiate it ALL the time, but he being a bit older than I, says he can't do it all the time. Says he's not as young as he use to be. I surprise him with role playing...dressing up..... I've even invited another woman twice to join us and it was an amazing time. I am a very secure woman and I know at the end of the day I'm the one he is sleeping with. I find him watching porn many times and although I enjoy it as well and watch it too I want him to direct his sexual energy my way. I don't know what else to try.


Forbid the porn. Bring a cam.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think porn is fine, looking up the price of escorts ONCE OK, after that he is hunting. Tell him "Honey , for $500.00 I will Rock your world but if you look up escorts again I will cut something near and dear to you! Do we understand each other!


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

SoulMateBeliever said:


> I do not mind the porn that much. I relaize that is pretty normal. I am more concerned about the searches for protitutes. have you done this as well and not acted on it? I am jsut trying to find out if lots of guys do thia and do not follow through.. thanks


Searching for a prostitute is not a good thing to find on a formerly cheating spouse's computer. It may lead to him acting on his fantasy and/or he may not consider it cheating if he has sex with a prostitute. (look it up, some men don't consider visiting a prostitute to be cheating) Most women in civilized nations do.

My situation was reversed. I was seeing a prostitute, after doing searches for one. Then when caught, I promised to never see one again, but got caught up in an affair with a married woman who literally threw herself at me until I stupidly caved. In my warped hormonal haze, I was not breaking my promise to never again visit a prostitute. So, I cheated, again, but did not break my promise to my wife. 

I have issues with compulsions. My behavior was compulsive and impulsive. 

Anyway, it's not a good sign that he is fantasizing about hooking up with a hooker.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Sweet1inedh said:


> I am in the same boat so to speak. I have been married to my husband for 8 months but together for 9 years. Second marriage for both of us. I am highly sexual...I try to initiate it ALL the time, but he being a bit older than I, says he can't do it all the time. Says he's not as young as he use to be. I surprise him with role playing...dressing up..... I've even invited another woman twice to join us and it was an amazing time. I am a very secure woman and I know at the end of the day I'm the one he is sleeping with. I find him watching porn many times and although I enjoy it as well and watch it too I want him to direct his sexual energy my way. I don't know what else to try.


It's not about you, his porn watching. It's about enjoying sex without the pressure to actually have an orgasm. If you have expressed displeasure if he fails to orgasm as some older men do, he may be afraid to have sex to often because he needs to build up sexual tension over time to orgasm. He may also be visiting the site to get more quickly turned on when with you.

If you don't like it though and have discussed this with him, he should stop.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

DavidWYoung;1211:lol:186 said:


> I think porn is fine, looking up the price of escorts ONCE OK, after that he is hunting. Tell him "Honey , for $500.00 I will Rock your world but if you look up escorts again I will cut something near and dear to you! Do we understand each other!


 I don't know...$500 seems pretty high


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Personally, as soon as he's hiding the porn from you and he's checking it out often, then it's a problem.

I don't mind that my H views porn, as long as I'm in the room helping him out. However, the checking out the escort service (by a former cheater no less) is very, very troubling.


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## Bay (Oct 13, 2012)

Have you had any luck in figuring this out? I have the same problem with my husband and I don't know what to do.. 

My husband went out of state for 3 weeks for some military training and when we were on the phone one night I got a terrible STRONG gut feeling that something was wrong. I don't know if it was his tone of voice or what that tipped me off. When I checked his search history I found multiple searches for strip clubs and escort services local to the area he was working in.. I confronted him about it the next morning and he told me I had no right to be upset because he was just looking at porn and looking up local strip/escort clubs was just another way to do it.. like its more exciting bc these girls exist nearby or something along those lines...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You guys look at the dates on this post?

It's a zombie. Raised from the dead!! Don't talk to it!!!

Lol, this thread is over a year and a half old.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

btw... I know what happened. When I saw this thread 18+ months ago and she said she her husband liked to look but didn't like to touch... I promptly sold her a very nice bridge on some prime Florida real estate. She's prolly down there still. The H, He's off not touching some OW.

Lol.


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