# Tomorrow is our anniversary. Yay?



## Jennifer28 (Oct 4, 2017)

I SHOULD be excited. It's only our 4th wedding anniversary! But it's not been a 4 year stretch I'm real excited about celebrating.

The honeymoon phase was over before our actual honeymoon was. He held a grudge about me asking him to turn the tv off and decided to withhold sex. Then I discovered 6 months into our marriage that he was/is crazy addicted to porn. His addiction has been in the works well before he ever knew me, and evidently ruined his first marriage. I never stood a chance! It hasn't ever mattered how I dress, style my hair, apply make-up, workout, what perfume I wear, or even if I wear lingerie. Porn was a deal breaker for me from day one, and he knew it. He was so, so good at hiding it.

We've done marriage counseling, downloaded monitoring software on all of our devices, he went to an addiction recovery group, and life started to look promising! Marriage didn't seem daunting and lackluster, in fact we were really enjoying it, making plans, having fun! 

Fast forward a bit and not only have we lived in a new state for a year and a half but we have a daughter who's about to be one (yay!!) but our sex life has been suffering again for a while. I thought it was due to the stress of parenthood, then I discovered in April that he's been lying and sneaking around STILL watching porn.

As though being a SAHM in a new town wasn't hard enough, let's throw in the repeated rejection of my husband chosing porn and masturbation over me, and looking for ways to justify it. I love sex, wanted it regularly, and used to be up for trying new things! Now I just feel violated dirty because he's admitted to fantasizing about porn while we have sex.

In addition to working full time he's also been coaching football at the local high school and it has been taking away so much time from our family. We had a convo about it a few weeks ago which actually registered with him. He cut his hours back substantially. I am so thankful! But it doesn't undo months of feeling alone as a new mom, raising a baby.

He's been going to a recovery group again for a few months and it does legitimately seem to be helping. I am also thankful for this! The problem is I've been suffering through feeling less than and forgotten, if not intentionally neglected, and I'm numb towards him. I haven't initiated sex in well over a month, which is VERY unlike me.

Yes it's nice that he's trying, but I can't help but feel like he's going to set me up to be fooled again. I basically feel like it's too little too late. And I hate that I think that! This stuff stirs up in me often and I try to push past it and focus on the positive stuff. With our anniversary tomorrow I can't seem to shake it off. I don't feel like celebrating. I feel like leaving.

Thanks for reading all of that. Any thoughts, feedback, encouragement, and kind honesty are appreciated.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What do you want? If you are thinking of ending it, which sounds like a good plan, then your first plan of action should be getting a source of income.


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## Jennifer28 (Oct 4, 2017)

I've been thinking about that quite a bit and have done some research in the way of open positions I'd be suitable for. My background is retail management, so I could potentially go anywhere. Staying in the very small, very expensive resort town we live in is not an option on my opinion. It might be easier with our baby, but horrible for income as well as heal. I'm thinking I need to brush up my resume and get it out there!


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