# How to leave a women without hurting her?



## Eagles3785

I've been married 5 months to the day, and have been wih her for 8 years and 5 months and she is happy with everything between us and in this for the long haul, and has no reason to suspect otherwise.

I started dating her at 18 and because i had obviously never been through a break up of any sort and had never dated before i wanted this to work out in the dating period. 

I was happy for the first year or 2 but after that it was just another person who i hung out with almost everyday. After a while she began to hint in an obvious way about getting married so i finally did it in Disney in 2009. 

After being married for 2 months i realized that we really don't have a lot in common and she has ruined a couple of my friendships with other people, and gets really jealous anytime i talk to another female ever though I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON HER. She has cut ties with at least 2 of her female friends because i ran into them randomly at a bar 1 night and we got to talking and just enjoying ourselfs. 

Bottom line is i want out before major things start to happen in our lifes such as having kids, buying a house (currently rent) and stuff like that. The finances are right down the middle right now with the only big thing we've bought together was 2 flat screen TV's valued at $800 and $1200 each and i just figured i'd take 1 and she can have the other. The only problem i can see is my grand mom gave us $10,000 for a wedding present and she put it in a joint account or CD (honestly i have no clue) and the rest of the wedding money we split down the middle because no other gift was close to that amount. Obviously i want that whole 10K because it was my grandmother. We also got $500 this x-mas from her and i let the wife put it towards the furniture she bought when we moved in together. 

She has a trust fund that recently just broke thats worth $30,000 or more and we have a rescue dog and her engagemnt ring was appraised at $6,500...i have no interest in fighting her for any of those things as long as she gives me the money from my grandmother with no problem

Anyway i know she will not handle this well and might even attempt to break things ( we already have a hole in the wall from an incident where people were over and they broke something by accident and she got pissed) 

I am planning on moving in with someone and setting that up so i can tell her the news and get out ASAP to avoid conflict but how do i go about telling her? She's been bugging me about going on a summer trip, but i keep putting it off because i don't plan on being with her then.

I just want to get out without hurting her feelings too bad, and get my property and money without involving lawyers because we honestly don't need one, but who knows how she'll act to the news?


Sorry for long post, any suggestions?


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## barbieDoll

I don't think there's an easy way to save her, or you for that matter, any pain. What you _can_ do is stop from dragging it on. If you were to drag this on any longer, there'd be the added pain of knowing that you wanted out months before you had the courage to do it. If I were her, I'd feel cheated and upset thinking that the last few months were all a charade.

Best to split the belongings/money civilly if possible.

Best of luck.


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## In_The_Wind

Eagles3785 said:


> Anyway i know she will not handle this well and might even attempt to break things ( we already have a hole in the wall from an incident where people were over and they broke something by accident and she got pissed)
> 
> I am planning on moving in with someone and setting that up so i can tell her the news and get out ASAP to avoid conflict but how do i go about telling her? She's been bugging me about going on a summer trip, but i keep putting it off because i don't plan on being with her then.
> 
> I just want to get out without hurting her feelings too bad, and get my property and money without involving lawyers because we honestly don't need one, but who knows how she'll act to the news?
> 
> 
> Sorry for long post, any suggestions?


I think being honest about your feelings to her would be a good place to start You probably never should have married her with the feelings you have. did you not realize she wasnt the one for you during your dating years ?? Their really isnt a easy softer way of breaking up with someone especially since you guys are married. My advice would be to take sometime before getting in a new relationship and working on yourself on what you want and do not want. Remember what comes around goes around !!!! 

Good Luck


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## Jellybeans

You can't leave someone high and dry after nearly a decade-long relationship and not expect her to be hurt. 

She will hurt. It's inevitable.

The best way to handle this is to rip it off like a bandaid: tell her soon. Today. The longer you wait, the worse off you are making this for everyone involved.

Don't give her false hope, don't pretend to stall for time, don't give her the slightest inkling you wwill be together in the future (bet hat a month now--separation-- or in the future).

DON"T LIE. CAuse that is what you've been doin gall these years--you stayed in a relationship with her knowing full well you didn't love her the same way, going as far as to marry her. I can't imagine anything more cruel. 

So cut the chord quickly and mov eon with your life.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT string her along.


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## papa5280

Have you considered, you know, talking to her? Sharing your feelings? 150 DAYS ago, you made a commitment to partner with this woman for the rest of your life. Now, you want advice on the easiest way to renege on that commitment. My advice is to treat your partner like a partner, not a problem to be minimized. At the end of the day, you both may decide that the marriage isn't what either of you want, and can talk about how to divide the marital assets (should be easy after only 5 months). 

But, IMO, you owe her the honest, candid discussion, at a bare minimum.


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## deejov

Review your state's matrimonial property act online. You might be surprised to learn what can be split and you most likely really do need a lawyer. Things like joint debt, joint chequing accounts, etc.

I would suggest you both go to counselling before you decide to split. Especially if you are worried about her breaking things. 
For two reasons.... that is a good way to bring up the issues you have mentioned, and have a professional advise you both on how to split up. 
Secondly... it takes two to get to this point. The point of the counselling is to learn how to resolve these differences, how your reactions and actions affect your partner, the love languages, meeting each other needs, resentment, jealousy, a whole long list of relationship skills that you LEARN while married. Or... you split up and learn nothing, and your next relationship has the same issues. Own your actions, feelings, and be responsible for them.


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## MrWombat

So you let yourself be bullied into marriage. Bad sign. She put a hole in the wall in a fit of temper. Really bad sign. You are afraid of her. 5 alarm warning.

It could go ok. Or otoh, she could start a fight and call the cops. They will arrest you.

Get out, and tell her you have finally realized you are gay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Wow. You dated 8 years but couldn't figure this out until 5 monhs of marriage? 



There's no way around hurting her. I think she'll be more angry that you married her when you didn't want to. At least I would be.


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## Schill

It's not really all that uncommon. You start with a great relationship, and then it just becomes comfortable. You decide to get married, hoping things would get back to how they were, and they may have for a couple months and then it's back to living as roommates.

Definitely tell her how you feel regarding ruining your friendships,and even try counseling. If at that point, you are still ready to move on, at least you tried.

Speaking of women friends, do you have a particular one that you are thinking about might have been a better fit for you? The whole grass is greener on the other side idea. It does make things confusing, and make it easier to see the faults in your relationship to justify your wanting to move on.


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## Eagles3785

Schill said:


> *Speaking of women friends, do you have a particular one that you are thinking about might have been a better fit for you? *.


Kinda, but thats even more complicated...she dated my friend 2 years ago for about 4 months and we casually texted at first (just about random ****, nothing even sexual or suggestive), until i had her help me with some college HW since she went to same school as me with same major and we hung out a handful of times and she hinted at "o if i had only met you 8 years earlier..." anyway she was also a friend of the wifes until she finally got pissed cause we hung out once every 2 weeks and that was too much, so aside from her wishing me a happy birthday a few weeks ago and me replying "thanks" i haven't talked to her since mid january

Bottom line is this other girl made me somewhat realize i can be happier with someone else who i have more in common with and am more attracted to sexually to


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## 5Creed

Is this "other girl" the one you are planning on moving in with? Even if she isn't, you need to let your wife know yesterday. This is not fair to her~and yeah; it will hurt her no matter what. If you meant anything to each other, it will hurt!


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## Toshiba2020

Have you tried marriage counceling? have you tried talking to her about these issues? Just worth taking a little time to be honest with each other before ending it, the first few years together can be tough, plus this will help make breaking the news easier as she will know ahead of time there is a problem. if you are 100% sure that you are going to get out no matter what and MC and talkign wont help in the long run then i suggest doing it asap as there is no point in dragging it out. Once you decide its time, get a lawyer and then inform her of your intentions, its best to stay in your marital home for legal reasons but if your safety is in jeaporty then get out and take your belongings with you. As far as the money and belongings go the lawyer will take care of that and walk you through the process. IMO the ring and her 30k she had before the marriage will be hers and the 10k from your grandma will probably be split 50/50. im sure you wont be happy with that but in the end its just monye, you are young and have a long life ahead of you to earn money. Also its not work stressing over a few thousand dollars, remember happines has no price tag.


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## Eagles3785

To 5Creed ...no i am planning on moving in with a guy friend, but not until early june because i am finishing up college and don't need divorce paperwork and BS interfering with my getting decent grades

To Toshiba ...i have no intention of trying counseling and I plan on seeing a lawyer for legal advice only, i'm not wrapping up thousands of doallars for legal fees, i'm fairly confident we can mediate together on who is getting what...


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