# Is this progress?



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

My apologies for posting here on a daily basis, but I do find it cathartic, and am grateful for the honest replies.

So we're now 1 month on from D-day, and 2 weeks on from the 2nd D-day where I believe I found out the truth behind my wife's EA/PA. It was a month long event. I'm not convinced it was physical, and have heard her crying to her friends on her phone through the VAR that she knows I will never believe her about it even though it's the truth. I am also very sure that Nc has actually been established.

So, where are we.

*Her*
Well, she's admitted that she is in love with the OM. She wants her marriage to work, and is desperately trying to let go, but finding it very difficult as she misses him. She is battered by constant people having a pop at her as the affair was exposed in a small, tight knit sporting community we are both members of. Everyone knows about it, but that was her fault for walking arm in arm with another man....She feels incredibly alone and lonely, because everyone sides with me. She is incredibly embarassed and ashamed. She is trying to do more to show remorse, and now texts and calls me fairly constantly throughout the day to reassure me, and to tell me that she loves me and is sorry. She is also coming to marriage counselling with me, and seems to be pretty open and honest with it. She is contributing to the homework that they give us. There's still no massive "im taking charge of our marriage" signs, but she knows she should be doing them and just feels stuck.

*Me.*
I'm actually....doing ok. I'm sleeping better at night. I've lost 21lbs, and am running 5k most days. I still get paranoid but it's easing off. I'm not being as angry with her, which obviously lets her start to get a little closer to me. I'm starting to see a future, both with her and without her. I'd love my marriage to work, but I'm now open to the idea that it might not, although I know I would be devastated. I'm happy to hang in there for a bit and see if the fog lifts, especially with counselling happening. I'm able to function a bit more at work and I'm not obsessing "quite" sop much, which is an amazing relief. I am starting to make some plans with friends that do not involve her, and she has very much noticed this.

*Us.*
We went away for a long weekend this weekend, and we started to get closer. There was less fighting, less tears (from me). More tears (from her). She even initiated a little intimacy. Not full intercourse, but enough to leave me smiling for the morning. When I break down and get angry, she backs away a bit, but as I calm down we seem to be slowly moving together. We both want the marriage to work. I have made it very clear that without a lifting of the fog and a start to heavy lifting then I will heal myself and leave, but am happy to hang in there through the christmas period and counselling.

S. I guess we'll see. My wife loves another man. I'm waiting for her to come to her senses, but sorting myself out in the meantime. It's not a hard 180, just a realisation that I cannot be a puppy through this process. I hope with all my heart that my marriage survives. But I can't continue to fight for both of us, so am hanging in there to see that my wife does.

G


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> It's not a hard 180, just a realisation that I cannot be a puppy through this process. I hope with all my heart that my marriage survives. But I can't continue to fight for both of us, so am hanging in there to see that my wife does.
> 
> G


Just keep it up, your thinking is similar to mine. Only that now I'm just as comfortable with D as R if I don't feel we're getting anywhere. The nice part about it is that I'm totally at peace with both outcomes- I can see myself, where I stand and what options I have with such clarity.
I'd never have thought this possble 7 months ago.

Keep strong


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Just hang in there, withdrawal for her will take some time sometimes up to 6 months as long as she isn't in contact with him she should come back to her reality world and leave the fantasy life........
In the meantime enjoy being together and keep the communication going and the undivided attention going and make sure some strong boundaries are now in place.........
Work on you as well, it's one day at a time with recovery......
Enjoy the new relationship


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As long as she maintains NC, she will lose her feelings for him over time. I wish you both the best.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She's still early in the process of extricating herself from the affair - it's a long process unfortunately. I wouldn't necessarily believe her when she says she's in love with him. I felt like I was in love with my AP emotionally despite the fact that I knew rationally I wasn't, but my God it felt like it. Had I only listened to my emotions I would have bought it hook line and sinker. It's just as likely that she only thinks she's in love with him and as the affair addiction eases the reality of the whole thing will slowly dawn on her. Hopefully that's what will happen. 

Dealing with someone as confused as she is, actions are what counts - and her's indicate that she's committed to the marriage and wants to reconcile. I think it's progress.

Keep an eye out for any form of contact for a while yet. Addiction is a powerful thing and an addict will find relief in the most creative of ways sometimes.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Change your words to help yourself: Your wife does not love another man, she may be infatuated by him , she may be seduced by him but I assure you she does not love him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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