# Trust Issue



## Ashuryan (Sep 17, 2013)

My wife is American, I am French. 

At first I left France for her and lived in NYC, it was a huge step. And after 1y and half of marriage, I felt lost...

In May, I had a pretty a depression and I left home packing all my stuff. She knows I was planning to go back for France for couple months, I told her before hand and she was aware about it, I told her, I needed to escape and figure out my **** and deal with unfinished business in France and one of the other reason I left at that time. It was because I was making her sad and I couldn't bear it anymore. I am a very proud person, I couldn't stand the person I was... And ask her to give me a month.

Despite the fact I left home for France, I was in touch with her, phone, skype, daily. I thought she was handling it pretty well, we were still very close and sweet to each other. After a month I told her that I was sorry and that I am coming back.
Unfortunately, her folks were coming so I had to wait for coming back, So we have been agreed on October 10Th, as I mentioned, I was supposed to come back end of August, but with her parents staying there for 3 weeks in September she ask me to wait.

At first, she was very happy that I manage to get back on my feet and that I was coming back with a plan.

Then, she started telling to her friends/family. And now she doesn't want me to come back. She is saying I broke her and that I can't fix it. That she don't trust me anymore and she doesn't know if she still love me. She is saying I abandoned her and she is confuse...

In my mind, my "trip" to France was just necessary, and I never question our marriage. I never wanted to put an end to our marriage. She is too important for me.

Her parents are still there, I have to wait 3 more weeks, before coming back, but each day pass, and I feel I am losing her... Day after day she is getting more and more distant.

I don't know what to do anymore, I sent chocolate, flowers and told her i am deeply sorry that I will fix this. But I feel like she doesn't even want to try to understand me. I was burn out at that time, it is hard to leave everything behind for one person, which I did 2 years ago and moreover to live in a different country and start over...

She keep changing her mind, someday I am welcome, the other day I can't come... I am lost... I wish she was more understandable. It was not against her or us. It was about me needed to get back on my feet.

According to you, what should I do?
did I really abandoned her?
Why her friends and folks try to get ride of me?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

If my H up and left me to "figure stuff" out. I'd say that be the end to my marriage. You should be "figuring stuff" out together. She is your partner, if you leave her out on the battle field during the war, I don't think she'll be crawling back to your arms for safety.

Just saying...


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> If my H up and left me to "figure stuff" out. I'd say that be the end to my marriage. You should be "figuring stuff" out together. She is your partner, if you leave her out on the battle field during the war, I don't think she'll be crawling back to your arms for safety.
> 
> Just saying...


:iagree:
from a male perspective If my wife did what you did I'd be seriously thinking about doing the same as your wife. Infact I WOULD be like your wife. 

If there are issues in a relationship then you BOTH need to look at these together. Some of the problems in any marridge will never be fixed but they can have comprimise. It could have been that by brining your W on board some of the problems you had could have been shared. Your wife could have supported you through it, if she was in on it and with you. Idealy you should have been there fore her and her for you. That IS the way a positive relationship works. 

I suspect the parents being with your W is a sign of family coming together to support a loved one. Their staying longer a means of blocking you from coming to the marital home.

Im afraid youve really let yourself and more importantly your wife down if youve not been fully transparent with her and kept her on side. She could have perhaps gone with you to France to support you and help you through the issues you werre facing. Instead you excluded her and detached. There might be a way back but reading some points of your post tells me that your W is hurting and hurting badly. Her trust in you, which is the greatest gift you can be affored in a relationship has been broken in her eyes. There may be an opposrunity to fix this. Why not at least move back to the states and be near so that you can meet and talk not use SKYPE etc to communicate


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree that you should not wait until her parents leave to go back to the States . if you don't fight aggressively for your marriage you will probably lose it .

I'm really not clear what caused you to leave . I know that its difficult to leave your country and your family and your friends behind, but you did so to be with your wife . 

where did you meet and how long were you together before you decided to move to the States ? what kind of immigration did you go through? are you a permanent resident ?

did you find work here? 

before you left what time to discussions did you have with your wife about how you were feeling how did she support you ?

when you made it clear that you were leaving what was her reaction ? did she ask you to stay ?

your description of leaving sounds like it was very open ended with no clear Haitian of whether you would be back or when you would be back . in that respect I have to agree that you abandoned her .

what was the nature of your discussions while you were away ?

where did you stay when you're away ? 

what kind of things did you do while you were away ? did you hang out with friends and party ? did you spend time with any other women ?

and what exactly help to clear your head and decide that you wanted to come back ?

or did you only decide that you wanted to come back when you felt that she was pulling away from you ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ashuryan said:


> In May, I had a pretty a depression and I left home packing all my stuff. She knows I was planning to go back for France for couple months, I told her before hand and she was aware about it, I told her, I needed to escape and figure out my **** and deal with unfinished business in France and one of the other reason I left at that time. It was because I was making her sad and I couldn't bear it anymore. I am a very proud person, I couldn't stand the person I was... And ask her to give me a month.


Did you really just tell her you were leaving, or did you discuss it in a manner that included her in the decision making process? Did you really tell her you needed to escape? What sort of unfinished business? Is flight your go-to method of dealing with things? What have you been doing in France?

I can easily see why she might feel abandoned. I can also easily see why she would not feel emotionally safe in your relationship and might not really feel she can trust you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree that leaving your wife for a few months was not a good idea. But the deed is done so now what?

Return home and fight for what you want. Do you want this marriage? Do you want her to love you? If you do, then you must return home and begin to woo your wife back. You have to SHOW her that you want this and that can't be done long distance.

When you get back, you have to accept responsibility for hurting her by leaving. You have to show her that you intend to make this marriage work and that leaving the marriage was a mistake you don't plan to make ever again.

You can't make a marriage work if you are not living together, dealing with daily troubles together, learning to work things out together.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

I would not be happy or feel secure or safe in my marriage if my husband wanted to get away for a while. I would be very hurt and upset. Go back and sort things out.


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