# My son is testing my patience! Am I a bad mom?



## CarrieG (Oct 20, 2013)

My son is 11yrs old and I have basically raised him alone for most of his life, His dad had little to nothing to do with him, I was 16 when he was born and I have worked so hard to be the best parent possible to him, I almost never dated as I dedicated all my time to my son and working. I wouldnt say his upbringing was 100% perfect but I tried my hardest for him, He was always hard work but for the last year he seems to be breaking every rule he can find. 

His dad is back in his life and keeps asking me to give him another chance and for us to be a proper family etc but 3 weeks ago I started dating a new guy and my son keeps saying that I never make time for him anymore and makes me feel guilty when I go out on date nights. At his teacher meeting his teacher told me that he can be a bit of a delinquent, biting and punching other students But said that deep down he is actually a good kid messed up by a completely dysfunctional childhood and I was so upset and angry, I feel like a bad mom! He does what I say and is a good kid to me but he respects his dad a lot more than me and keeps asking why I wont be with his dad instead of "the as*hole im with now". Any advice on how to handle my son because I don't know how much more I can take!


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Get his father more involved. See if he can live with his dad and stay with you on weekends. 

It's easy for people to point the finger at you, however being a sole parent is tough work. Your ex has a lot to answer for. 

I would also write a loving but frank letter to your son. Don't let him manipulate you. Set some firm boundaries. Let him know that yes you care for his dad but you can't be with him and tell him why. Then tell your son that you both love him very much. That he is number one priority, however you and his dad are entitled to have a life outside of parenthood and if you didn't it wouldn't be healthy. 

Ask your son how he would feel if you banned him from giving a life outside of school or any relationship a part from the one he has with you? 

Apart from that, make sure your new BF is very careful and take it slowly. He should be mindful of stepping on your sons toes. 

And get your ex to work with you and set good boundaries. Then back each other up.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Kids normally know which buttons to press in order to get a reaction (any reaction) from their parents so do not be surprised that your son if trying to "rock the boat" especially as you have finally let yourself look for a stable adult relationship.

Now that your child’s father has decided to "man up" and take a more active role in his sons life you should encourage this but given his track record please do not rely on him until he has proven himself.

Keep reminding yourself that you have done the best that you could considering your circumstances and know that in time your son will see this as well.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

They waited until that meeting to tell you he bites other kids??? 

Have you noticed any signs of hormones kicking in yet? If so have you given him books or had talks about what is going on? I would imagine if puberty is starting he doesn't know who to talk to about questions he might have. 

Good for you for raising your son on your own. Don't let other people make you feel like a bad mom. Many children do bad things, bully other kids and have issues regardless of who their parents are. 

The important thing is that you take action now. 
Do you give him consequences when he breaks the rules? I would insist that the school inform you every time he does something there.
Let him know you are in communication with them. 
If his school has a counselor ask her or him what they think. Maybe he needs some one to talk to about his feelings and what is going on. 

I would sit with him and tell him that you understand he is concerned about you dating but that he will always be your first priority, and if you get into a relationship with anyone it will be some one who is good with kids and likes kids, who is good to both of you. Tell him that he isn't going to lose you ever.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A boy acting out starting at 11 is pretty normal. Perhaps you need to do some reading about raising boys.

At this age he needs his father because boys need their fathers. I agree with the idea of letting him spend a lot of time with this father.

You son is not going to like any man you date. That's a given. So keep him unaware of your dating life. Schedule your dates for when he's with his father.

Are you at all interested in getting back with his father? I'm just asking.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also make sure he knows how to do laundry.


----------



## CarrieG (Oct 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> A boy acting out starting at 11 is pretty normal. Perhaps you need to do some reading about raising boys.
> 
> At this age he needs his father because boys need their fathers. I agree with the idea of letting him spend a lot of time with this father.
> 
> ...




I always had feelings for his father but right now I am still struggling to fully forgive him for turning his back on me when I *really* needed him.


----------



## CarrieG (Oct 20, 2013)

I appreciate the replies guys. Right now I feel im at breaking point with everything and I love him so much but It feels like no matter what I say to him he just wont listen!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarrieG said:


> I always had feelings for his father but right now I am still struggling to fully forgive him for turning his back on me when I *really* needed him.


I figured that was the case. How old was he when you had the baby?


----------



## CarrieG (Oct 20, 2013)

He was 18 and I should have known better but he was the 'bad boy' and I stupidly couldn't resist him at the time :/


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

CarrieG said:


> I appreciate the replies guys. Right now I feel im at breaking point with everything and I love him so much but It feels like no matter what I say to him he just wont listen!


Words mean nothing at this point. You have the power. Everyone has their currency. What is his? Money? Computer time? Video games? It has to come down to you telling him if he breaks rules he gets XYZ taken away for a certain amount of time.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarrieG said:


> He was 18 and I should have known better but he was the 'bad boy' and I stupidly couldn't resist him at the time :/


Not to make excuses for him.. but a lot of guy are very immature at that age. We do not raise our children, especially our boys, to be responsible these days. 26 is the new end of "teen years". It's a sad fact about our society

You on the other hand had a child and you grew up quickly. This says a lot of good about you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarrieG said:


> I always had feelings for his father but right now I am still struggling to fully forgive him for turning his back on me when I *really* needed him.


Yes he was not there when you really needed him.

The years coming up, the teen years, are the hardest of all. For many kids they make the younger childhood years look like, well child's play.

Your son needs his father now. If his father is finally stepping up to the plate, take all the help/support he's willing to give.

(not talking about you dating him. That's a totally diff issue that only you can decide on.)


----------

