# help needed to get back on track



## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

today is a bad day. as soon as I woke up I knew it was gonna be one of "those" days. smh 
I have been doin the 180 for 4 weeks, its hard when you have children but i didnt talk to him at all until Thursday and that was an email I sent him to discuss our son, visitation, child support. He never responded, just popped up Saturday. He didnt speak to me just handed me some money hugged our son, gave his daughter some money and was gone in 5min flat. I was confused. In the email I said we need to DISCUSS a set schedule for visitation and agree to an amount for child support and then he just comes over (when he already knows he is not to ever pop up here) and hands me money. ok so is this the amount he will be givin me weekly, are we not discussing this? why didnt he ask to take his son? he always claims to missss him so much but i mean, I cant tell!

Soooooo I called him yesterday. bad move I know. we talk about 15min he tells me to call him back at 2 when he is off but i at least had sense enough not to. I am however, fighting not to call him today

what is wrong with me? a person leaves you- my house almost went into foreclosure, I had to file bankruptcy, he doesnt give me a dime, barely spends any time with my son, has barely even looked at me in months, we talk maybe once a month and yet, I still love him! I dont like the person he is right now but i still do love him. I try to think of the cheating, the way he abandoned me and hurt me so bad when I havent done anything but love him and take care of this house and our children, while he flaunts his new gf all over the place but still I dont hate him. smh

why is it that just seeing him for a few minutes brings a rush of feelings that no matter how much I pretend arent there- ARE


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Oh yes, and please dont sugar coat anything. I need to hear it raw. I need to snap out of it and get back on track and continue to stay AWAY! I feel weak today and I despise that feeling!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You're codependent.

The idea that you'd put up with that treatment and immediately rush to forgive without any hint of remorse - or even an apology?


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You're codependent.
> 
> The idea that you'd put up with that treatment and immediately rush to forgive without any hint of remorse - or even an apology?


I was just reading about codependency the other day and I felt like it sounds like me. I was thinking though wouldn't I have been like this before him? Maybe I was with my mother and my children who my friends say walk all over me. I certainly didnt forgive him though we argued yesterday because I'm tired of him thinking he can do whatever he wants to. I feel like I'm a mess and not sure which way to go to get help. I don't have insurance so I guess I'll try a book for more information. From what little I have read its hard to stop being codependent
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Oh yes, and please dont sugar coat anything.


You are NOT in love with him - it isn't possible; not after the cr*p he's put you and the kids through. Nope, just not possible.

So what is it?

Are you in love with what you THOUGHT was going to be your future with this man? Only YOU know that! If so, admit that your H was a liar and is totally unworthy of ANY MORE of your time, attention or emotion.

Is it possible that you just don't want to admit *to yourself* what a jackass your H is? What a mistake you made in marrying him? If so, I recommend you stand in front of a mirror and say OUT LOUD, "[H's name] is a liar, a cheating adulterer, a lousy father to the kids, and a worthless husband. And *I* married him."
Seriously, say it out loud about 3 times WHILE you look yourself IN THE EYE in the mirror.

...see, the world did NOT stop spinning. People did NOT come out of the woodwork to point at you and comment on your inability to choose a good husband.

Now, go back to the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say, "I did the BEST I COULD with the knowledge I had. Now that I have MORE KNOWLEDGE, I will do better. I will make better choices for myself and for the kids. I forgive myself for marrying [H's name]; and NOW I REALIZE I am TOO GOOD for him any more. I have too much respect for myself and for the kids to EVER let him into MY LIFE AGAIN. He may speak to me FROM NOW ON *ONLY* as the kids' father."

See if you can REALLY pinpoint (no matter how painful) WHY it is you THINK you're in love with a cheating liar who ignores his children.

Have you GONE DARK on him? I think YOU would feel IMMENSELY better about things.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

You need to check in your community for a mental health place. I have no money, no job. no insurance. However, our local community mental health place sees me for free and any medicines are only $6. My therapis is great. Do an internet search for your area. If you want I will try and help you. I would have to know the city and state you live in, so it's up to you. If you want to message me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fivewastedyears said:


> I was just reading about codependency the other day and I felt like it sounds like me. I was thinking though wouldn't I have been like this before him? Maybe I was with my mother and my children who my friends say walk all over me. I certainly didnt forgive him though we argued yesterday because I'm tired of him thinking he can do whatever he wants to. I feel like I'm a mess and not sure which way to go to get help. I don't have insurance so I guess I'll try a book for more information. From what little I have read its hard to stop being codependent
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Melanie Beattie - Codependent No More

$1.59 used at Amazon.

Best money you can spend on yourself right now

Amazon.com: Buying Choices: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Can't believe it's over said:


> You need to check in your community for a mental health place. I have no money, no job. no insurance. However, our local community mental health place sees me for free and any medicines are only $6. My therapis is great. Do an internet search for your area. If you want I will try and help you. I would have to know the city and state you live in, so it's up to you. If you want to message me.


i tried to send you a message. it keeps saying i dont have permissions?????????????


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Melanie Beattie - Codependent No More
> 
> $1.59 used at Amazon.
> 
> ...


Just ordered it on my Kindle. Ill take a look after I finish my homework. Thanks Conrad!


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

fivewastedyears said:


> i tried to send you a message. it keeps saying i dont have permissions?????????????



I got your message, give me a little bit and I will see what I can find


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

I sent you a few messages, your state has a really good mental health system. I send you the links to a few pages to look at. so you can decide. Would you rather me just send you some phones numbers to call. I know when you are struggling it is hard to do anything.


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

I talked to the jackass Thursday for 2 hours. Its the longest we have talked in 6 months? He asked me about school and my grades, then he said i always was smart. well, he called me a dummie when he left me but anyway.....Then he asked me why when we were doing good, i would just wake up one day and i would be upset and i told him that he hurt me, and that doesnt go away overnight especially when he wanted to act like it never happened. he said he was reading old emails and said i do that now and i said yeap, cause sometimes in the middle of the night when it is quiet and i cant sleep I wonder how he could do this to me, if the last 7 years of my life was a lie, and because it hurts! He was quiet and he said I think I understand, that makes sense. He said he was sorry, he never meant to hurt me, he loved me more than I will ever know. He said he loves me now, how could I think he didnt love me, I said umm cause you told me you didnt 2 mos ago. He said he said that because he didnt want me to think he was coming back. He has a gf I said know. He said he is committed, that Failure is not an option, that he told her she would never love him like me. I said you shouldnt tell her that, thats y she is insecure. 
He said I have to move on, I said ok. He said that the things he thought he needed, he doesnt need anymore so its ok that she doesnt cook, n clean for him, makehim lunches, they dont have the same kinda affectionate relationship we had but he doesnt need it and he is ok. I said ok wellllll I gave you all those things and you left me so I already know you didnt need it, I deserved the commitment you are giving her and while I appreciate your honesty, it hurts. Yes, its time for me to move on, and I will do that. He said I changed a lot since he left, if I was like I am now we would be together. I said when you left me, and I wasnt cooking and cleaning and wondering if you were cheating, then I had time to focus on myself. He said well, you dont know what the future holds for us but you shouldnt put a time on when we get back together. I said I know, your commited anyway. He said he had to go to work and that was that. I was telling my friends about it last night- we have a monthly ladies night, it was at my house last night- kids were in the basement, his daughter said to me this morning he was just talking about me the other day, she said he always is but she doesnt say anything because I asked her not to. She said he asked her if I am still moody- she said she laughed and just said he doesnt know me anymore at all.
The ladies last night said he wants to come back, his pride wont let him. 
He texted me today to ask if I needed money or did I just want him to get our son what he needs. After not giving me a dime all year, this the second week in a row he wants to be a father again- should I get excited about that? I guess I should wait until he actually spends some time with him to get excited. Or at least calls to talk to him on the phone. SMH
Maybe I shouldnt, but I feel good that he apologized, it sounded sincere, but who knows with this strange man that I thought I used to know.
What am I to make of this? I decided to continue with the 180, if nothing else it seems he is learning that I will not tolerate his attitude and that I am to be respected? 
It seems like he needs a friend, but isnt that his girlfriends job?


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Why didnt he ask me why I was moody and feeling like I did BEFORE he left me? Why now?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

fivewastedyears said:


> Why didnt he ask me why I was moody and feeling like I did BEFORE he left me? Why now?


Because things aren't working out with posOW.

Before you can have any sort of friendship with him, your foot needs to be put down...

"posOW has got to go"

Nothing happens until that deed is done.

You are nobody's Plan B.


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Because things aren't working out with posOW.
> 
> Before you can have any sort of friendship with him, your foot needs to be put down...
> 
> ...


He popped up yesterday to do some stuff in the basement to hopefully keep it from flooding. Made sure we had candles n flashlights blah blah....He hasn't done ANYTHING in this house since he left! 
He needs to be with his Girlfriend and suffer and be miserable! If things aren't good I hope they get worse!
Like he said of their relationship - Failure is not an option! - 
I will not go from being a wife to being PlanB
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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