# I need "Stability"



## mrplow (Feb 12, 2013)

It's hard to summarize an 8 year relationship into an introductory start of a new thread, so I'm not going to try. 

I'm 35, she's 29. We have been together since 2005, had a child in 2009, and married in 2011. On Nov. 24th, she ran out and moved in with her mother, taking our daughter with her, stating that she 'needed a break.'

Due to extreme financial stress we relocated to co-habitate with my retired parents in a rural community while we try to get back on our feet, which happened in April of 2011. She HATED this, but it was this or homelessness, and everyone tried to give us as much space and privacy as possible, but it was virtually impossible. Despite what she may think it was and continues to be very difficult for me as well.

Over the 1.5 years we lived here, we have had ups and downs but have made serious financial progress. We COULD have likely made much more progress, but her constant complaints let me to trying to buy her happiness, and seeing as how her main love language is "Gifts," this seemed to make sense. But it never seemed to be enough.

I'm not trying to downplay the frustration that she no doubt felt, but this was NEVER going to be permanent, and in the 1.5 years, she has only worked for a few months part time at a restaurant, the money she made there going to her own bank account she opened, not into the joint account all my pay went into. She did use it for staples such as food and fuel, but not exclusively. She also at that time opened up credit accounts with two stores and went wardrobe shopping, more trips to the hair salon, nail salon, etc...

I on the other hand, have worked freelance, and most of it long distance away. This is the nature of the work I have done since before I met her. It is well paid, but zero job security. I have been more successful in the last 2 years than ever before. While expanding my business through necessary equipment purchases and replacing my $600 van with a $2k van, I also paid for several shopping trips, $80-100 dinners and overnight hotel stays, A long weekend trip for her to FL to visit an old girlfriend, purchased a MUCH nicer late-model used car for her that was needed, and paid to send her to dental assisting school. Both vehicles and her schooling were CASH, meaning we didn't add to our debt to do these things. 

The day she graduated from school, she was upset that I couldn't really afford to take her to a japanese steakhouse for dinner, saying I would go but only have an appetizer, she decided to walk out on me. She also took our D3 with her, stating she 'needed a break.' That break has been almost 3 months now.

I took a long hard serious look in the mirror, and realized there were several things that were contributing to her displeasure that I was doing. I made up my mind to correct them, and to work to rebuild our relationship. I started seeing a therapist, and it has gone VERY well, and I plan to continue to attend. I have made an effort to try to be more positive and not so pessimistic as I have in the past, and not so cynical. I have tried to be mindful of my tone, and try to not be so intimidating to her, as she has always claimed that I constantly "talk down to her" and make her feel small. I have been exploring my faith, something I NEVER did before, and it is welcome and helpful. I have made an effort to be better physically, and have lost about 30 lbs and am eating better. 

For a while, things seemed to get better, we spent time together, we had what I thought was a reconciliation, and we even made love like neither of us has ever experienced.

Then, after about 3 weeks of both of us still searching for work and coming up empty, she claims I was 'reverting to my old ways,' and that I lied to her and that I wasn't really changing. Though when pressed for specific examples all she can say is that I walked in the house and belched loudly, and that I teased her about wanting to diet and losing weight while she piled a mountain of mashed potatoes on her plate one meal. 

We are now in a state of constant bickering. I have had to give up on my freelance career entirely, having to liquidate all of my equipment I have invested THOUSANDS of dollars in, because I'm not going to be forced to have to choose my work or my daughter. To continue to freelance I would have to relocate hundreds of miles and several states away. I don't want my daughter to feel like I'm abandoning her any more than she might already at 3 years old, even though I'm not the one that yanked her out of her life routine. 

I come from a stable family, my parents have been married since 1975. Most of the people in her family have been married multiple times, including her mother who is on marriage #3 and who herself is a child of divorce, as my wife was when she was 6. She has admitted she has a great deal of personal issues she's never dealt with and claims to want to get help, but she is yet to do anything about it. 

This all comes down to money IMO. She calls it her want and need for "stability" and has routinely in the past complained to me about getting a "regular job." It appears her love and commitment to our relationship is ultimately conditional, and that condition means satisfying her lifestyle choices through income. I feel like nothing more than a broken ATM machine she is physically attracted to. (for now) 

I'm starting to really question if I still love her and want to try to save our marriage. Everything I have done during our relationship has been for "WE," and everything she does is done for "ME."


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

How is her being a single mom going to offer her stability? This makes no sense to me.

Signed, 
Guru is terrified of the single mom bit and how UNstable it will be.


----------



## mrplow (Feb 12, 2013)

it won't. Unless she somehow thinks that court-mandated child support will give her more stability? That's nice isn't it? I'll end up in jail if I hit another dry spell.


----------



## mrplow (Feb 12, 2013)

... of course, there could always be another man in the picture. The fabled "perfect man" with enough money to satisfy her.


----------

