# Fobia of BACTERIA in sex - it kills my desire



## Bazilita (Oct 4, 2013)

Hello,

I´m looking for common sense opinions and comments, please. All my consious life I´ve suffered the sex trouble - I don´t want sex, but unlike many others I KNOW my reason for it.

I´m a 25yo 5´6" blonde, 118lb, and I do feel attractive. I love myself, I treat myself to nice lingerie, I like being feminine, flirting, and desired (and I am). But. 

When it comes to having an intercourse ALL I see around is bacteria. Seriously. I deny myself in spontaneous sex with my permanent and trusted partner because I catch myself with the idea "Oh this table is not clean - I´ve just cut carrots on it" (for example). Not to mention sex on the floor - even if it´s MY floor and I washed it myself just today. It comes worse - even in bed I cannot relax. All my natural desire is killed with the thoughts of "did he wash his hands?" or "did he step on the floor before coming to bed?". This pitifully results in NO vaginal sex (oral is OK with me, my fobia is somewhat only related to no-knickers intercourses). The root for it is that I had bad experience with "unpleasant" deseases with my first sex partner a while ago (an awful liar and cheater he was), and it caused me to have long medical treatment to cure, endless rounds of doctors and etc.. After it I´ve always been having some sort of vagina disbalanced microflora from time to time (I asume all women have it from time to time, but I´ve started making too many check-up tests after that case), and I´m always scared of the ´return´ of those awful problems. Yes, I´ve read that sexually transmitted diseases are only catchable from sex, but I see the threat everywhere - namely on the surfaces of objects, including my bed and fingers of my man. I´m crazy and I know it.

Now I´m just married (2+ months). My husband is GREAT and understanding, I told him everything how I feel. He even washes his hands right before jumping in bed to me. But it doesn´t help us ot have more sex. He tolerates our lack of sex, at least so far. But it makes him unhappy. I make him unhappy. My most loved person. And I also have a tendency to immaculate everything around me in the house, which drives him (as any normal man) crazy. I admit I´m not normal, and he is normal. I want to change myself. I´ve tried making lists of what I really fear, reading on the Internet about possibilities of catching anything from sex on the floor - but it doesn´t persuade me. I´m still scared. I can only shut my eyes and bite my lip - that´s the only way i can have vaginal sex now. I have ALL the natural desire for sex, but this damn thoughts kill it all.

What I would like from this thread - please do not send me to psycologists unless they can be available online - simply because we live on a small island and there are no good specialists here for that. But please do comment out of your common sense - even if you will laugh at me. I want to see it from the comical part, in a humerous nature. Or tell me how you have sex on a pile of dead leaves and nothing happens to you in term of ginecologyst problems. Or tell me anything that you think might help me.. please. I´ve already lost 2 relations because of this thing. My husband is too good to lose him because of that.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can see how it came to be this way with the history you have had.

I do think therapy would be helpful - but you say this is not an option.

I wonder if you could desensitize yourself to this phobia slowly. Finding the courage to change is a true mark of character. I'm sure you are right that your marriage will not be able to exist in the same space as this phobia. One or the other will win and the other will die out. If you feed the phobia with your energy it will be the one that wins. The time is now to be bold and fight against this reaction your mind has had to this thing that was not of your choosing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bazilita said:


> Or tell me how you have sex on a pile of dead leaves and nothing happens to you in term of ginecologyst problems.


Yep I did. Actually I did this many times when I was young.

I'm 64 now and have not yet gotten sick from sex on tables, on the floor, bathtubs, showers, in the woods on piles of leaves, on the beach, and a lot more.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Listen. I am a phobic person too. I understand how much this fear can take over your life and all your rational thought goes out the window. You are not crazy. You have trained your brain to react in panic to even the thought of what you fear. 

I dont know if its possible to truly break free from a phobia by yourself. There is specific therapy called exposure therapy or CBT that is meant for people to retrain themselves to get over the fear and cope better. It sounds scary. I have not done it myself but I have read so many good things about it online and I feel like I am getting closer to being brave enough to try. 

However in the meantime, I admitted to myself that I cant live like this anymore on a daily basis. Scared and panicked all the time. It was making me physically sick and the constant guilt that I lived with for the way it affected how I treated my kids and my husband was awful. 

I went to a regular doctor just like a regular check up, told them I was coming in for a yearly physical because I was too embarrassed to say the truth. When the doctor came in and we were alone I spilled my guts and begged for help. To my surprise she was very understanding. I started taking medication to help control my anxiety. It took a couple of months to start working but the difference is amazing. 

My phobia is still here but it does not completely rule my life. It has been reduced to a dull drone in the background of my life, still there but I am able to force my attention elsewhere vs. the loud roar it used to be taking over my every waking thought and action. 

The meds are not a permanent solution, but they have given me hope and a clearer head. 

If you are absolutely against a therapist, please go talk to a doctor. Just a regular doctor can help you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bazilita said:


> After it I´ve always been having some sort of vagina disbalanced microflora from time to time (I asume all women have it from time to time, but I´ve started making too many check-up tests after that case), and I´m always scared of the ´return´ of those awful problems. Yes, I´ve read that sexually transmitted diseases are only catchable from sex, but I see the threat everywhere - namely on the surfaces of objects, including my bed and fingers of my man. I´m crazy and I know it.


Are you talking about getting yeast infections? That’s usually what it is when the microflora get off balance. 

There are all kinds of ways to keep the microflora in balance. Eating lots of yogurt with live cultures is one way.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

My thought process was treat it like OCD, live with the uncomfortableness. I'm a germ a phobe, and I constantly think that my husband didn't wash his hands before sex.....grrrrrr

But, I just put that though way, and live in the moment. It took time to get to that level. The more you give in to the "obsession", the stronger it becomes. 

Kids also mellowed me. Kids are walking petri dishes of cold and flu germs, lol, but you can't really put them in a bubble, they need to just be 

It takes time to be comfortable with the feelings and knowing its dirty. I just picked out one scientific fact, mine is germs keep us healthy, and I repeat it when I feel overwhelmed or out of control of a situation. 

I keep door knobs clean, fridge handles clean, wash faucets when I use then etc, and I think "I cleaned it, it's clean, I touched it, it's fine, I'm fine". I understand that your situation is different than washing handles, but mantras help, self reassurance helps. 

I try to control things I can, and learn how to cope with those I can't. Hope this helps a little.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Bazilita said:


> Hello,
> 
> I´m looking for common sense opinions and comments, please. All my consious life I´ve suffered the sex trouble - I don´t want sex, but unlike many others I KNOW my reason for it.
> 
> ...


You need to get yourself to a psychologist...ASAP! You are surrounded by bacteria, no matter how hard you try to clean yourself or your house. There's bacteria all over your skin and in your body. And guess what...YOU NEED THOSE BACTERIA TO LIVE! Just because something is called a "bacteria" does not make it infectious or dangerous. For example, without the 36,000+ species of bacteria in your intestines you would not be able to absorb nutrients properly. You have more bacterial cells in your body than you do cells that are genetically yours - by a factor of 10 bacterial cells for each ONE of your own cells. You also have an immune system that helps protect you against infections. Please go read some microbiology text books and see a psychologist. This is NOT a healthy fear. *PERIOD*.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

As a friend of mine is a germafobe I can tell you that almost nothing we say here will out you fears aside, but I can give you my opinion and a few facts I know. On the germ and bacteria side of things recent studies have shown that children and even adults that constantly try to keep everything ultra clean and there fore are exposed to fewer germs get sick easier. Contact with germs me bacteria builds up our immune system and actually makes us get sick less. IMHO the only people benifiting from all this antibacterial crap that is being forced down ourThroats are the companies making them, but that is just my opinion. 

I would guess though that your fear stems more from the Disease you got from the dirt bag ex and has grown to a fear of anything that could make you sick. As you are now married and with only one man. How about you both get tested for STDs. This could start a clean slate going forward that neither of you have anything that you could give each other. Not sure this can help, but its all I could think of. 

I truly hope you can work this out. No matter how much he loves you eventually this will implode your marriage. Unlike women, men receive a great deal of their sense of security in feel loved through sexual intercourse. Sorry. It's just the way we are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Bazilita said:


> Or tell me anything that you think might help me.. please.


I actually know how to help you. The human brain is pretty good at sifting out noise. This is necessary because otherwise your attention would be overwhelmed. Part of this process is that routine things tend to fade from notice; you see them and do them without thinking about them. This process works so well in fact that people who live near volcanoes and fault zones can live day to day without ever thinking about the fact that a catastrophic eruption or earthquake could occur. This happens too for people who live along the coast, in valleys where wild-fires could occur and on hills subject to mudslides. We could also mention sink holes. The point of this is that people routinely live with genuine hazards without being overwhelmed by them. This is the adaptive way the brain works.

However, in your case; this is not working. Your mind has become focused on something that is probably not a real hazard and you can't let go of it. To you, the hazard is just as real as if you were standing on the edge of a cliff or holding a black widow spider in your hand. There is a way to get past this but it does require work much as it requires exercise to achieve physical goals. You can't have a goal like running a marathon without being willing to work through the physical discomfort.

In your case, your brain is responding the wrong way and if you keep doing what you are doing now this won't change. You have to do some brain training to allow your natural adaption to function the way it should. Just like it is difficult to begin a physical workout, the mental exercises are hard. But, eventually they will get easier. Just as stress on your muscles makes your body respond by making the muscles stronger and better able to handle the load, mental stress will also make your brain better able to cope. Your brain in effect gets stronger or better able to adapt.

So, you have to expose yourself to what causes your stress. You allow yourself to feel the stress. Do this for about 45 seconds. If necessary, buy a simple timer. 

If you need a break because it seems too overwhelming, you do diversion exercises. Tap under your left eye, count backwards from 100 by 7, then hum "Happy Birthday". This simple exercise stimulates parts of your brain that are not involved with the stress. You count backwards by 7 because it requires some thought. If this gets too easy then rotate counting by 6 and by 8 and by 4. This stimulates the mathematical part of your brain. If "Happy Birthday" becomes too routine you can use any other common song like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" or "Three Blind Mice". Humming stimulates the non-verbal part of your brain. Tapping under the left eye is good for about 90% of right-handed people. So, you can also try the right eye if it doesn't seem to have any effect or if you are left hand-handed.

You need stressing exercises. It has to be something that triggers your stress. For example, would having your hands in chocolate pudding stimulate your germ phobia? If it would then start with this. Do the stressor for at least 45 seconds. When you can do this then increase the length a little everyday until you can do three full minutes. Then you move up to a more difficult stressor.

Next you might try something like play sand or aquarium gravel. Put your hands in it and feel the stress. When you get to 3 minutes then buy a bag of potting soil. Then move on to topsoil. This should reduce your fear of germs with your partner. If your fear of germs with these exercises works but you still don't feel a change with your partner then you start over and do them with your partner. You both put your hands in the stressor and then the two of you hold hands.

If you find that this does not stimulate your stress then you focus more on the situations that do. For example, you said that situations where you were not wearing knickers brings out this stress. So, then you try this wearing a thong or wearing a short skirt with no knickers until you can do it while nude. Again, the point is to be exposed to what causes your stress and then let your brain adapt to it over time.


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes you have a form of OCD (my sister and her husband both have it). My sister has been like this since a couple of years before she had kids. She would spend all day making sure the whole environment (her house) she was in was sterile, when her husband came home from work he would do the same only re-enforcing that behavior. Now her kids (boys aged 11 and 7) are paying the price by being sick all the time (as they were never really exposed to any germs when they were very young and now have under developed immune systems).

The only way you are going to get over this is to get help and more than likely you will need Counciling and Medication.

Do yourself and your husband a favor and get some help before it really starts to affect your married life (more than what it has) as your husband will put up with it for a while but may start to have resentment if it goes on for to long.


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