# How to handle gatherings/parties??



## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm in the process of getting a D. Stbxw hasn't been living in my house for almost 4 months, D is probably 1-2 months away from being finalized. All of my good friends know the jist of what's going on. Up until this point I've avoided going to places or gatherings where I might run into mutual friends of ours that may or may not have the slightest clue. I'm still a little uncomfortable with getting the "So where's [Mrs. Santofimio]" question.

I try not to let that fear of being asked stop me from going places or doing things but for the most part I have been cautious. My question is: Is being cautious the healthier route for me personally, or should I just go out, have fun, and not worry about it?

Is there a nice easy way to deflect that question, or a proper way to respond? I'm uncomfortable with that question because I'm uncomfortable telling someone I don't see that often anyways "Oh, we're separated" or "Oh, we're going through a divorce", but I don't know how else to answer it.

Btw, I'm the one who filed after dealing with her EA and going through a couple false R's.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you should consider why you are avoiding the answer. Do you want to be cautious because you're afraid telling someone will throw a wrench in the works or because you're not fully comfortable with it? I think it's okay to avoid such gatherings where you'll have to deal with the awkwardness of saying something that feels final when it isn't final yet, but don't isolate yourself because you're feeling uncomfortable about it.

Tough situation, really. My WH and I have been separated for nearly 5 months now. I just haven't told anyone anything and kind of disappeared from the social sphere altogether. Not terribly healthy because my reasons are avoidance and denial and limbo. However, your issue seems to be possible anxiety. My point is....think about why you feel weird about this and it might lead you to an answer.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> I think it's okay to avoid such gatherings where you'll have to deal with the awkwardness of saying something that feels final when it isn't final yet, but don't isolate yourself because you're feeling uncomfortable about it.


Thank you for your feedback and questions.

I think that's it, because its not officially final. Its final in my head, but I can't tell other people that it is when its not official yet.

Maybe something like:
SoAndSo: So where's [Mrs. Santofimio]?
Me: We're not together right now
SoAnSo: Oh how come?
Me: I'd rather not get into the details

The only thing is, as a BS, that leaves me feeling self-conscious over them possibly wondering if it was something I did. I suppose I could just say "I don't know where she is" or "at home" but I have issues with telling white lies even if its to my advantage unless absolutely necessary.

I still feel there's a reply I could be more comfortable with than "we're not together right now".


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I was put out by her family after she was the one who cheated. I was told it was my fault as much as it was hers...I took that crap for 6mo and then I had to tell the truth! I won't hide in shame, I won't be bullied away from family who I love...I will never hide the truth. I say go to parties, be honest, hold your head high! Let her hide in shame and deal w/ the guilt.
Mouse


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Smackdown said:


> I was put out by her family after she was the one who cheated. I was told it was my fault as much as it was hers...I took that crap for 6mo and then I had to tell the truth! I won't hide in shame, I won't be bullied away from family who I love...I will never hide the truth. I say go to parties, be honest, hold your head high! Let her hide in shame and deal w/ the guilt.
> Mouse


Thank you for the reply.

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that. For the most part, my W's immediate family has been kinda apologetic on her behalf so I haven't really had a rational reason to feel persecuted. 

I know I have a problem with trying to predict things that are out of my control. I'm trying to become better at just saying "who cares, if it happens it happens"

I'm fine with people knowing, I guess I'd just rather they find out through the grapevine cause I've already moved on from it.

As far as letting her hide in shame and guilt goes, my W did tell me she ran into someone a few weeks ago that asked where I was and she told that person "oh, hes just at home", and her FB page still lists the city I live in. :smthumbup:

The couple times I've been asked I told the truth "we're separated right now and getting a divorce"


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

After my wife asked for separation a week before Thanksgiving, I was living there until december 9th...

On Thanksgiving, I was politely asked to "pretend" to be happily married. They were all her friends, none of them were mine. The entire night they talked about our lovely home, our future together, asking about future kids etc. If I could define misery, that would definitely be it.

A few weeks later, her friends (most of them) learned about it from her.... christmas she went home, and didn't call or contact me at all for a week....

I learned she was having a new years party cuz she kept talking about it.

I asked her who was going...and out of some sense of obligation, she said "you can come if you want"

So, I got an invitation, but I wasn't invited. Needless to say, I didn't show up and spent new years the same way i spent Christmas, alone in a completely empty apartment.

My advice, to you, or your stbxw...if the gatherings make you uncomfortable. Don't go...there may be uncomfortable moments for both you, your wife/ex, and your guests.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ew, I can't believe she still has friends after they were duped like that. I mean, come on, they must have figured out she knew about filing for divorce, and let them go on conversationally....

Sorry you agreed to that. Do you feel now that it was wrong, that she asked you to do something simple that turned out really badly? 

To OP, I think you just need to say, we are divorcing and no longer together. If people press for details, just say you came to enjoy the party, put a hand on them that shows 'no hard feelings, you only asked, how could you have known' and then ask a question that gives the person an out. If they persist, change the subject. If they still persist, relocate yourself to a safer place, and they'll figure it out sooner or later (or not) that you don't want to discuss it. You can follow up later with people who seem particularly upset.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I told her to her face, but she didn't seem to care... she says she "doesn't want to hurt me"....but what i heard was "Don't make me feel guilty. or try to take me for everything if we divorce."


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Homemaker. That's solid advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

If anyone asks me I tell them were not together, if they ask why I say because he cheated on me! I've done nothing wrong, I'm not ashamed and I will not lie to cover up for him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

ishe? said:


> If anyone asks me I tell them were not together, if they ask why I say because he cheated on me! I've done nothing wrong, I'm not ashamed and I will not lie to cover up for him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not ashamed either, but I care about letting my friends know that when we are together, I am in good social control. Some gatherings, people want to have fun...if there's a close friend who wants to offer support, there are venues other than parties. An asute friend will say 'call me, and then that would be the time to disclose details'... A party should be kept a party, and in some circles it's generally considered rude to a host to bring one's personal disasters to what's supposed to be a friendly and fun gathering...  I like repeat invitations, so have learned to censor according to context. People like that, they see, oh this is a person who doesn't need to over-explain. And I like that too. It gets me a better night/evening/day out for my time and effort. If you keep emitting un-party like stuff, people drift off. I had a very good friend last year with a guitar (he's still a good friend), and we were having a sing a long and he started in with 'You talk too much...' lalalalala and I started singing along and we all collapsed in laughter. Now we talk recipes, the weather, travel, writing, music, and sing. Gotta love good friends who know how to party.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> I told her to her face, but she didn't seem to care... she says she "doesn't want to hurt me"....but what i heard was "Don't make me feel guilty. or try to take me for everything if we divorce."


You stuck up for yourself. 
So you have the memory of having done that, identifying your feelings and giving them to the other person for consideration.
Unfortunately, also the memory of the response. 
I try to hang out now with people who are polite and respectful of feelings. It makes a lot of difference in how a day goes. I have also tried very hard to make sure I am usually among those people.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> A party should be kept a party, and in some circles it's generally considered rude to a host to bring one's personal disasters to what's supposed to be a friendly and fun gathering...


I was thinking about it a little more today before I read your response and I think this is closer to the reason why it makes me uncomfortable saying anything. I don't like to be the bearer of bad news when in a setting where people have come together to have a good time. I'm in no way ashamed to be getting a divorce, I just don't want it to affect anyone's fun. 

I don't however feel like its necessary to freely offer any details. Unless I hear that she is going around telling lies about what happened, there's no reason to assume a preemptive defense is necessary. But that could be because I probably haven't been burned as bad as other BS's.

Btw, I went out this weekend for someones birthday and there was many people there that knew us both. Only 1 person that knew me more than her even asked. All he said was "so how's married life?" I just held up my hand and showed him I wasn't wearing a ring. He asked how long it's been going on for, and I told him we separated in October. He said "bummer" and all I said was "Yeah it sucks but **** happens you know?" I'm pretty sure he got all the detail he needed from my demeanor.


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