# When it finally ends How much do you tell the kids?



## toni4038 (Oct 17, 2010)

I have 4 children. 19,17,16 and 11. Married 20 years. Right now he is unemployed but searching for a new job since October.. Back in august after months at mc he tells me it's over. He doesn't want to work at it anymore. Few weeks after I discover an email from another woman saying he could turn to her. He ends up saying she's a friends nothing has happened yet but it will once marriage is done. Of course I was shocked and ,upset. Since then we went to mediator. Started parts but since then he got laid off so we are still living together waiting for him to find a job he is truly looking for. Kids don't know yet except the oldest knows more. I dread the day he finds work and we can pick up and complete what was started. At the same time I do want to end it already. 
Can I say he has someone else to the kids or is that something that is wrong. We have kept it friendly We haven't had a true marriage for at least 5 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Very sorry about your situtation. Mine is very similar situation in that there is another person that helped this all along. I would love to have others have to say about this.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My kids were very little when I divorced (2.5 yrs and 20 days old). But...to me, I would limit the info. Most of what happened to end the marriage was between the two of you, so I would leave it between the two of you. All the kids really need to know is that it isn't working and that you two have decided to end it. 

As they ask for more info, that will show that they are mature enough to hear and understand it, and at that point, you can begin sharing more with them as you feel comfortable with it. If you don't feel comfortable sharing something with them, then be honest and tell them that. 

As for telling them that he has someone else, if he does, they'll know anyway so I don't see that as being wrong. Telling them he had her before the marriage was over...that one's kind of iffy to me.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

My kids also are younger (7 and 3) so it's easier to hide information and keep them sheltered. I agree that your kids will know he's got someone else if she surfaces and he brings her around right after he moves out. As far as whether to say that this is likely what ended the marriage, I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's human nature to want to tell the kids that it was not you that decided to wreck the family. That you were the one willing to stick it out and keep things together. However, the ultimate result of that will be to ruin their opinion of their father. It's something that will last forever. I think that the damage that will be done by the divorce should not be aggravated by the damage that will be done by telling them the ugly truth. I have a good friend that this happened to - his daughter was younger when they divorced. As she got older, she started to ask questions. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, but each time she asked, he took the "high road" and gave her the bare minimum. He's pretty sure she's figured it out, but if she did it on her own, it's much better than if the betrayed parent offered the info.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I also agree that telling your children about the woman waiting in the wings would be too much...they'll figure it out on their own. Plus, with him still at home with no move impending, and everything still pretty much "friendly," that could end pretty quick if the kids find out and resent him...he could take it out on you.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Yep. What I usually find with people is that if you give them enough rope, they will eventually hang themselves. He's not thinking clearly at this point anyway. He probably won't need any help in changing his kids' perceptions. You just stay out of it, take the high road and let him handle whatever questions they have. Don't actively participate in ruining the father/child relationships. It could back up on you years down the road and you don't ever want that. ...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I would vote on taking the high road and not sharing all the nasty details with the kids. I have seen this topic asked many times on this site and am always surprised at the number of people who say to out the OP to all their family and friends. I just don't see what it accomplishes except some sort of vengeance. 

My kids were 17 and 15 when my wife (now ex) moved out to be with her boyfriend. Now it's been two years since the divorce and I still try and protect my kids from all the details of what went on. I want the kids to have two parents they love and respect, and I wont be responsible for driving a wedge between them and their mother. 

In reality the kids probably know more than you think, maybe not the 11 year old but older ones. Even if the kids ask you direct questions I would still answer in vague replies and not share the details.


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

I am not sure if there is another woman for my husband, doesn't seem like it, since he is always home. But I am more worried about my kids (22 and 24) thinking that when there are tough times in a marriage, you walk away. 27 years married, he thinks it can just end and that will take away the pain he feels from his brothers death, my Dad passing, etc. I ask him all the time what will he say to the kids and he doesn't know. I can't even imagine, except to say that the kids are not the problem, that they are loved.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

turns out my 3 kids knew mom was moving out before I did...


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