# Balancing The Account



## Empty Shell of a Man (Jan 30, 2017)

"_I've balanced our account._" Norma Shearer to her wayward spouse after sleeping with a close friend to pay him back for saying, "It meant nothing."

His reaction to her statement of "It meant nothing" was to explode. 

I know it is tempting and I admit coming close myself and even cheering for some on this thread (yeah! sleep with his wife! Give him the pain he gave you!) but it is wrong. 

I put the brakes on balancing our account and I am glad I did not inflict the pain upon her that she did upon me. It is not love. I was not interested in the other woman beyond my own selfish desire to recover (I felt as worthless as is possible to feel without actually off'ing myself) but I later learned that had I slept with her, she would have felt that I loved her and wanted to marry her. I would have ended up hurting two women. At the time, I did not even know how far my wife's infidelity had gone and I would have gone beyond the level she went on, which, if you want to argue is immaterial, I won't fight you. Betrayal is betrayal and the pain is intense. 

I hope this does not sound too moralizing but years later, I am glad I did not debase myself and use a vulnerable woman for revenge.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Why not just divorce?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Empty Shell of a Man said:


> "_I've balanced our account._" Norma Shearer to her wayward spouse after sleeping with a close friend to pay him back for saying, "It meant nothing."
> 
> His reaction to her statement of "It meant nothing" was to explode.
> 
> ...


Better to close the account, and take your money elsewhere


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

people who think affair = affair 

smh...


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

There's a better way. I suspected my now exwife of banging the church choir director. I bought a pound of beef liver, put it in a baggie and put on my hunting clothes...and smeared some of the liver blood on my hands, forearms and shirt. Then I went to see Mr. Choir Director in his church office. Told him I'd just dressed out a deer I'd killed. I emptied the baggie on his desk and told him that if I found out he was messing with my wife, I'd cut out his liver just like that and eat it. He sh!t his pants. 

Besides, his wife was ugly.


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It's a dilemma for sure. When we are hurt, we want to lash out and make them feel the same pain. We want to even the score. In some instances, yes I can see where it might be worth doing. There have been some instances on here where two people marry, both of which had only had sex with each other. Then one cheats. In that instance I would be very tempted to cheat too, so that I also know what someone else is like. 

Here's the thing... If you choose to R, then that means forgiving your partner. Not forgetting, but forgiving. If you forgive them, then cheating in a revenge affair does nothing but harm the very fragile nature of R. On the other hand, if the goal is divorce, then just go ahead and D and get it over with. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Oh 23, makes me laugh....


----------



## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Better to close the account, and take your money elsewhere


Hypothetically speaking, since you've never experienced marital infidelity and your opinion isn't based upon any personal experience of whether it would actually be "better to close the account" or not in real life situations. 




As far as the revenge affair thing goes, the OP should consider himself lucky.


I've seen many stories of revenge affairs and would say the most typical stories go something like this:

The Betrayed Spouse's commiserate together and lend too much support to one another.
The betrayed wife seeks out the betrayed husband {sexually} for the sole purpose of trying to hurt her husband AND the other woman.
It's usually the betrayed wife's idea and I've never seen a story where it was any more than a quickie.
The betrayed wife tells her husband as soon as she leaves to hurt him or she texts/call the wayward wife {especially if she WAS friends with the wayward wife previous to this situation}.
The wayward wife finds out within the hour every time and everything blows up.

More often than not, the betrayed wives and their wayward husbands reconcile but the betrayed husbands that had the revenge affair never reconcile and become the scapegoats {consequences of their immorality but still}.

In my estimation, the wayward husband just wanted extra sex while keeping his family and wife. His wife taking up with the other betrayed husband wasn't ever supposed to be a part of that deal and he'll dump the side-piece to get his wife quickly back on the reservation of sexual exclusivity with the added thinking that now reconciliation shouldn't be quite so impossible for him since he won't be completely alone in the doghouse forever since his wife "evened the score". They then BOTH hate and disparage both the wayward wife and the betrayed husband {the betrayed wife might even play it off as the betrayed husband took advantage of her strategically playing the victim}. Conversely, the wayward wife had the affair for much different reasons and she justified it by rationalizing that her husband deserved it, was neglectful and didn't care or love her whatsoever anyway. She sees her behavior as innocent, fateful and loving {just bad timing - but she was done with the marriage anyway ~ supposedly} whereas her betrayed husband's affair was deliberately hurtful, unloving and manipulative. Such betrayed husband having a revenge affair with THAT {awful} woman just re-affirmed those rationalizations and justifications to the point no one seems to ever come back from.

If the betrayed husband has kids ~ they find out too and the whole divorce quickly becomes almost entirely his fault and they completely lose any legal sympathy they might have otherwise been able to achieve. 

My point is ~ betrayed men, no matter what the outcome {even if they are done and filing divorce the next day}, should think long and hard {and soberly} before engaging in any revenge affair scenarios with anyone because it always seems to make things much worse for them.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Quality said:


> Hypothetically speaking, since you've never experienced marital infidelity and your opinion isn't based upon any personal experience of whether it would actually be "better to close the account" or not in real life situations.


Yeah Yeah whatever... :moon:


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

A smart person doesn't try to extinguish a fire with gasoline. 
@TX-SC, my wife is the only person I've been with, in my case intimacy is too valuable to me to just give it away. I wasn't tempted to have a revenge affair at all, why lower my values on intimacy?


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

drifting on said:


> A smart person doesn't try to extinguish a fire with gasoline.
> 
> @TX-SC, my wife is the only person I've been with, in my case intimacy is too valuable to me to just give it away. I wasn't tempted to have a revenge affair at all, why lower my values on intimacy?


I said I would be tempted, but since it could never happen, I can't say for sure what I would do. Both my wife and I have had other partners before marriage. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

23cm said:


> There's a better way. I suspected my now exwife of banging the church choir director. I bought a pound of beef liver, put it in a baggie and put on my hunting clothes...and smeared some of the liver blood on my hands, forearms and shirt. Then I went to see Mr. Choir Director in his church office. Told him I'd just dressed out a deer I'd killed. I emptied the baggie on his desk and told him that if I found out he was messing with my wife, I'd cut out his liver just like that and eat it. He sh!t his pants.
> 
> Besides, his wife was ugly.


These damn choir directors...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

23cm said:


> There's a better way. I suspected my now exwife of banging the church choir director. I bought a pound of beef liver, put it in a baggie and put on my hunting clothes...and smeared some of the liver blood on my hands, forearms and shirt. Then I went to see Mr. Choir Director in his church office. Told him I'd just dressed out a deer I'd killed. I emptied the baggie on his desk and told him that if I found out he was messing with my wife, I'd cut out his liver just like that and eat it. He sh!t his pants.
> 
> Besides, his wife was ugly.


Did he sing soprano afterwards?


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Banging the OM/OW partner is a viable option that is open when the waywards cheat. Whether it is exercised or not is the prerogative of the betrayed spouses. When you do however, it levels the playing field and you forfeit the "right" to complain about your spouse's cheating.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> it levels the playing field and you forfeit the "right" to complain about your spouse's cheating.


because we all know marriage is a game where things need to be even.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Ain't it just amazing that the vast majority of wayward spouses think that their BS will never find out anything about their sordid acts of betrayal!

And that a little, exciting, covert, well-clostered nookie received from their OM/OW, is in essence, nothing more a "victimless crime!"

All except for their spouse, their family, their children, their church, and their community!*


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

katies said:


> because we all know marriage is a game where things need to be even.


To many it becomes a game when their team mate starts diddling with the other players.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Arb, that's pretty much the way it is with all crimes and willful torts. I think what makes it worse for the betrayed spouse is deep down they know their wayward has a much lower value of the relationship and them than they believed. (despite them telling themselves, "it was the WS's childhood, mental state, stress, et cetera') Most people are way more careful where they park their new Mercedes than they a their 16 year old Ford.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It never works. Don't get me wrong...I advocate revenge when it is justly deserved, but to do it in a way that lowers you to the offender's level is not the way to go about it.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> To many it becomes a game when their team mate starts diddling with the other players.


it shouldn't. 
guess I'm owed an affair then.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Hey, 23, was the choir director actually having an affair with your wife?


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

katies said:


> Oh 23, makes me laugh....


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By accident I balanced our account.

My wife's affair hurt me.

However what nearly destroyed me was my own revenge affair which actually hit me worse than my wife's affair.


----------



## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

My husband was furious when he found out I had a 6 month EA after having found out he'd been screwing his students for the past 5 years. He actually thought I'd done it for revenge and refused to believe I hadn't slept with the guy. When I'd actually done it for comfort and we'd never touched other than hugs. My husband used it to justify continued cheating and abuse and told me I'd lost all right to complain about it. In the end it wasn't even worth it although at the time the other guy's friendship was the only thing that kept me from driving my car into the ocean.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

katies said:


> it shouldn't.
> guess I'm owed an affair then.


I wouldn't put it exactly like youre "owed" an affair but you do have a get out of jail free card. Of course you may choose to stay out of jail. But I'm pretty sure your old man may not feel that "what's good for the goose", et cetera.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Hellomynameis said:


> In the end it wasn't even worth it although at the time the other guy's friendship was the only thing that kept me from driving my car into the ocean.


 His phony justification aside, he would have kept doing his students regardless of your actions. He was just jerking you around. That's why I tell people if you take the payback highway, be sure and get your money's worth along the way.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Ain't it just amazing that the vast majority of wayward spouses think that their BS will never find out anything about their sordid acts of betrayal!
> 
> And that a little, exciting, covert, well-clostered nookie received from their OM/OW, is in essence, nothing more a "victimless crime!"
> 
> All except for their spouse, their family, their children, their church, and their community!*


Well, the sad truth is (or at least the statistics I've been able to find so indicate) that over 80% of cheating spouses are never found out (well over 90% for women).


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I would think that number of cheaters being caught would be a lot higher. Especially for women - since they usually become emotionally attached to their AP. With posts here and other articles, the BS tend to pick up that something went wrong either the next day or a few months. Many variables involved of course.

If the infidelity is strictly sexual gratification with ONS, etc... then there is no emotional guilt one way or another and the BS won't pick up any clues.


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

thummper said:


> Hey, 23, was the choir director actually having an affair with your wife?


Never got the "affair" stage. According to friends it was in the grooming stage...heavy flirting, compliments, touching when pointing out things on sheet music. The guy was a bit of a Svengali and had a harem amongst his regular female singers in the church choir and a community choir. He'd slather on the compliments and my exwife was a gullible soul. She'd wallow in any compliments by anyone. 

So, as a controlling, patriarchal, dictator husband, I shut it and him down. I'd call it "mate-guarding." And it was for the good of her psyche as well as our marriage. 

BTW this didn't result in her becoming an ex several years later. That was caused by a severe case of empty nest syndrome. The last kid left for college. The cat ran off. The dog died and I was the only one left for her to fix her laser-like efforts on to perfect me and remake me in the image of her father.


----------

