# LD Wife to begin with, Now adding Zoloft



## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

I found this site and NMMNG last September.
THANK YOU for all your knowledge & sharing!!!

My wife & I were only having sex once a month. And even though that had been going on for quite a while, only then did I start to feel neglected. Rejected. I was building up so much resentment.

I searched & searched and finally found this site.
Read 3 great books, and found out that I needed to work on myself!

Long story short... it did wonders. When we finally talked about it, she said she HAD NO IDEA! She always thought she was just "low desire".

Anyway, things were great for a while, it really seemed like we were fixing and working on our issues and talking & sharing more. Sex was through the roof.

Extremely long story short, things blew up last month, I'm in the dog house, and she's depressed and feeling worthless these last 2 years because she's a stay at home mom, and it's eating her up inside. She decided to go back to the doctor and get back on Zoloft. (It's probably been 5 years ago since she last was on it)

I'm scared. She was already acting LD without it for years. Now I fear she'll REALLY be LD.

And if I try to object, she says all I care about is the sex, and I don't care about her depression. Or believe it's a real issue. Or that the drugs really do a great job. All I think about is the short term and long term affects. She only had to talk to the doctor for 25 minutes. Hell, the first month's batch was FREE! Big Pharma is a bunch of pimp pushing drug dealers!

Grrr.
I want a happy, *healthy* wife.
And yes, a happy, loving, intimate, *physical* marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Can you go to her doctor with her? Ask him if Wellbutrin may be suitable for her.



> Bupropion [Wellbutrin] is one of few antidepressants that do not cause sexual dysfunction


Bupropion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Thanks. 
I have read that before. In fact, probably on this site.

The thing is, she already knows that Zoloft works for her. With so many stories of side affects (not just sexual) and some drugs not working for some people, or getting the dosage just right, why start from scratch?

Until she has proof that this will kill her libido, she probably doesn't even believe the side effects exist. (And she might not even care - I may have to visit THAT bridge in the future)

On the Pfizer site, they say that if Zoloft is prescribed for anxiety, 10% of people may have this libido side effect. If it's prescribed for depression, only 1% of people will have this side effect.

Do I believe Pfizer? Hardly.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

How old is your wife?


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

whattodoskidoo said:


> How old is your wife?


We're both a healthy 40.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

She should go have her thyroid and hormones checked! I used zoloft for a few years and I believe that was actually the beginning of my thyroid/hormone imbalance and not really depression. I finally found a dr who would treat me. It changed my life! My drive went through the roof! I feel better than I did at 30. My energy level is good and my enthusiasm for life is back!

Find a dr who is knowledgable in bio-identical hormone replacement (not synthetic stuff!). You can call a compounding pharmacy and ask for recommendations. Do some research on what healthy levels really are, not just what regular MDs say they are. (Most MDs use out of date levels to compare to)

I can't recommend this enough!!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I was on it in the past and it did not affect my sex drive. It also did not cause me any weight gain.

In fact my sex drive was higher and I lost weight all because I felt better about life an wasn't consumed with hopelessness.

Hoping she feels better soon and you see no negative effects.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Glad to hear both side of this. 
With MissScarlet's comment, I feel some hope. One where "waiting and seeing what happens" doesn't seem like a completely losing situation.

Whattodoskidoo, what age were you when you discovered thyroid issues? I don't believe she has family history with that issue. I might have to look into other symptoms of thyroid issues.
Also, she was first diagnosed with depression in early college, and gets easily anxious/worried about things. Her sister diagnosed in high school.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She can mitigate possible libido inhibiting side effects by increasing her awareness of her sexuality. She may not "burn for it" but she can keep sex on her forebrain by thinking about sex, by turning herself on, and by doing things through out the day that she finds sexy and attractive.

It's not ALL brain chemistry...


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I was in my late 20s when my issues started. My dr prescribed me zoloft, saying I was depressed. I was desperate for help so I took it. It really just made me numb to the world. I took it for about 4 years. I tried to stop several times but the withdrawal was too uncomfortable. I did a much slower weaning and that helped. I still didn't feel "right" and it was about 2 years later that I found my dr who treats me. 

Nobody else in my family takes thyroid meds. BUT it's very common for our thyroid to stop functioning at it's optimal level as we age, especially in the toxic world we live in. It definitely wouldn't hurt for your wife to get it checked out but I would caution you in going to just any dr. A lot of drs today use out of date levels for comparison. Make sure to go to a dr who knows about bioidentical hormone replacement.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

After a month on 50mg of Zoloft, my wife visited her doctor to follow up. She told him that she was frequently breaking out in night sweats (Wow, was she ever!), and was extremely drowsy (sleeping more than normal). 

She is now on 10mg of Xanax. Again free, for a month.

We've had sex 4 times these last 5 weeks.
She is not very talkative this month, and often falls asleep before I'm done reading to the kids and can get into bed with her. Which is frustrating for me. And in the morning, we've both been kind of tired and sleep til it's time to get ready. I Mention this, because those are the times that would work best for us to be close, intimate, and talk.

I feel like she is 'fine' with how things are going.
I've never been more depressed. I feel like I have been slipped the Zoloft and it's affecting me negatively.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Her doctor put her on xanax for depression? Holy moses! My understanding is that xanax is primarily used to treat anxiety/panic disorders. It is highly addictive and once addicted users have a hell of a time weaning themselves. Withdrawal can be fatal (seizures). Not trying to scare you but the doctor prescribed xanax for me but only .25mg and only as necessary for panic attacks. I did a lot of research on it and I am very careful with it. I take it very rarely when needed. Her dosage seems high to me as well. How many times a day does she take it. It wears off fairly quickly. Oh and no wonder she is falling asleep. For me it acts like a sedative.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JerryB said:


> After a month on 50mg of Zoloft, my wife visited her doctor to follow up. She told him that she was frequently breaking out in night sweats (Wow, was she ever!), and was extremely drowsy (sleeping more than normal).
> 
> She is now on 10mg of Xanax. Again free, for a month.
> 
> ...


This is very concerning. Very!

Were the night sweats from anxiety? Did she also have a fast heart beat? If you asked would she admit that she was experiencing anxiety? At 40, she could also be experiencing early perimenopause...night sweats! You wake up soaked! Xanax would do nothing for that.

If she is sleeping more than her depression doesn't seem to be getting better.

Put your foot down and insist she see a psychiatrist for these kind of meds. This doctor should not be prescribing both Zoloft and Xanax without a psychiatrists recommendations.

She needs a new primary care doc and an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Tell her you are worried about her being treated properly and you insist she see a psychiatrist to treat her depression. If you must, make the appointment for her and go with her! You will get a chance to talk to the doc and share your concerns.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon Pink, you're back!

Jerry,

You read to the kids and she goes to sleep. That is awful early to conk out.

Your wife is in some deep well of depression. Does she see herself as the victim?

How close to giving up on her are you?


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## Belle_Saint (Mar 10, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Can you go to her doctor with her? Ask him if Wellbutrin may be suitable for her.
> 
> 
> 
> Bupropion - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


I'm on wellbutrin and since then I've been extremely LD, however, a friend went on it and had to get off because she was so horny every second of the day.

So actually I'm on Zoloft and Wellbutrin. Even before the drugs I was LD.

My husband and I are actually going through a rough patch right now, but I have some suggestions as a LD female. You said that you read the books. Has your wife? It was an eye-opener for me to see that men view sex as a means to be close and open up to women, as women are opposite. We want to feel close and connected, then we'll have sex.

When my husband said that our issue was divorce-worthy and he had thought about leaving, I did some research on my own. I liked the book Sex-Starved Marriage. I probably need to re-read it.

Being depressed and having your husband want sex when you can't perform was very sad for me. It hurt me to know I was hurting him. Since I wanted to feel close before having sex and he was pushed away because we weren't having sex it was a lose-lose situation. I'd like to say try to do things you know will turn her on and do caring, thoughtful things, but according to my dh, that didn't work.

I don't have suggestions for getting her to the point I was, but I just wanted to give you my perspective.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Xanax makes you very sleepy, and zoloft is a notorius libido killer. I would ask if she could switch to wellbutrin. I dont know about the night sweats, that sounds weird. I've been on just about every anti depressent out there, and therapy, and what have I learned? there is no medicine for what I have.


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## TheConfederate (Mar 3, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> This is very concerning. Very!
> 
> Were the night sweats from anxiety? Did she also have a fast heart beat? If you asked would she admit that she was experiencing anxiety? At 40, she could also be experiencing early perimenopause...night sweats! You wake up soaked! Xanax would do nothing for that.
> 
> ...



:iagree: Jerry, there is some very sound advice here. Perimenopause and thyroid issues should be investigated. My wife seems to be suffering from both at the same time. If your wife is suffering from either or both of these, I would imagine Zoloft will only mask the real issue(s). Blood work will reveal these if they exist.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I was on Zoloft for a while and thought it was absolutely terrible.

Switched to Zenapro and had zero side effects and started working within a week.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

> Her doctor put her on xanax for depression? Holy moses! My understanding is that xanax is primarily used to treat anxiety/panic disorders. ...... Her dosage seems high to me as well. How many times a day does she take it. It wears off fairly quickly. Oh and no wonder she is falling asleep. For me it acts like a sedative.


She has high anxiety, too. She worries about a lot of little things.
I may have misremembered the MG dosage. Now I'm thinking it's 5mg. Maybe she meant 0.5.
I dont' know how often she takes it, I'll find out on both.

The Zoloft was making her drowsy, She has only recently switched to Xanax, so I don't know how that is affecting her yet. I understand these things can take a while to kick in/out.

This was not her primary care doctors that prescribed these. This was someone new/special she had to meet with. I assume it was a psychiatrist. However, her meeting was only 1/2 hour long with this guy. Perhaps they factored in her previous history--which involved extensive psychiatric therapy/meetings/talks.



> Were the night sweats from anxiety? Did she also have a fast heart beat? If you asked would she admit that she was experiencing anxiety? At 40, she could also be experiencing early perimenopause...night sweats! You wake up soaked! Xanax would do nothing for that.


I think we have some miscommunication. Her night sweats started after taking Zoloft. She never had them before. There is no previous indication she is or was experiencing perimenopause. 



> If she is sleeping more than her depression doesn't seem to be getting better.


I don't see the correlation in this case. She's not laying in bed because she's depressed. The Zoloft was conking her out. 



> You read to the kids and she goes to sleep. That is awful early to conk out.
> 
> Your wife is in some deep well of depression. Does she see herself as the victim?
> 
> How close to giving up on her are you?


Ah.. long story I didn't want to bore anyone with. But we do regularly go to bed at 8:30pm and wake up before 5 am. That is just our schedule.

Hopefully I've cleared up some misconceptions. I don't see her in a deep well of depression at all. 
Giving up on her? Not even close. That hasn't crossed my mind at all.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So she's off the Zoloft and now only takes Xanax for rescue? I'm confused now.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> So she's off the Zoloft and now only takes Xanax for rescue? I'm confused now.


I can only assume what you mean by 'rescue', but yes.

I'm sorry I wasn't clear on this. I'm surprised, I thought I explained it:



> "After a month on 50mg of Zoloft, my wife visited her doctor to follow up. She told him that she was frequently breaking out in night sweats (Wow, was she ever!), and was extremely drowsy (sleeping more than normal).
> 
> She is now on 10mg of Xanax. Again free, for a month."


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you go to bed before 830 pm and wake up at 5 that's what, nearly 9 hours a day of sleep. Unless you're in a physically difficult job you should be able to do with a lot less sleep than that.

On most days I'm lucky to sleep 1 am to 7 am... More on weekends. But i have a desk job. On "date nights" :lol: it's not uncommon for us to go to bed at 4 am.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JerryB said:


> I can only assume what you mean by 'rescue', but yes.
> 
> I'm sorry I wasn't clear on this. I'm surprised, I thought I explained it:


It is common for people to be taking two different psychotropics, so no, it wasn't clear that she was no longer taking Zoloft and was now only taking Xanax during an anxiety attack (rescue.)

You know, if your wife has these diagnosis and is taking various meds, it would be wise to be as conversant as possible on meds, dosages and diagnosis. Otherwise, the advice being given isn't hitting the actual issue she being treated for.

Your original post lamented your concern about her losing her sex drive as a result of taking Zoloft. If she is no longer taking Zoloft than your worry is over.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I just take Saint Johns wort from the healthcare store. It's good for treating depression / anxiety. It's much cheaper because you can buy it at the health food store. It's natural, and not made in a lab. Her sadness is why her sex drive is blaise, and while it's working, it'll drop her drive also. It took.. 6 weeks of using it for me to notice effects.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Even if she previously had positive results from Sertraline (zoloft) there is no guarantee that it would still have the same effect. If her doctor started her off on 50mg right away he is an idiot, and it would 100% explain her being unable to get out of bed. Sertraline is a very old and safe anti depressant, but it has to be gradually introduced. My wife and I have both been on and off of sertraline for close to 4 years. In all cases when we start there is always a period of titration. The first 7-10 days should be no more than 12.5mg per day. After that you can go to 5 days of 25mg and then 50 (although old school doctors will tell you to go slower than that) 

With a proper titration period, the first noticeable improvements will not manifest till week 5 or 6, and 50mg is almost the threshold dose, with common effective ranges for people being 75-100.

Sertraline, as many other meds of that class, does have sexual side effects, but diminished libido is not quite accurate when it comes to describing this particular one. Being closer to baseline/happy/not depressed actually increases the desire for sex in both of us, but orgasm/ejaculation is almost an impossibility for the first 16-18 months. After that, the brain adjusts, we can both finish without issues now days, I'm taking 100mg per day she is taking 200. 

Anyhow, starting sertraline too quickly causes extreme fatigue and makes people over sleep. 

Also, lots of people advocating for the use of bupropion (wellbutrin) here, and while it is also an old and mostly safe medication, it carries a greater risk of manic/abnormal behavior, as well as a higher occurrence of suicidal ideation than sertraline does. 

You've already been cautioned about the alprazolam (xanax) being addictive, it also contributes greatly to sluggishness and grogginess in the morning, so keep an eye out, and make sure she is extra careful driving in the mornings when shes getting used to it.

Someone here made a good point about alprazolam (xanax) being a good choice for "rescue" medication (meaning medication used to deal with sudden and unexpected events) because it has a shorter half life and much quicker on-set, but if controlling long term anxiety is the goal, clonazepam (klonopin) is a better choice. It takes longer to kick in, but lasts a good 4-5 hours more.

I am also still unclear about her current status with sertraline, as the medication has to be titrated when one is stopping, and suddenly cutting it off will have negative effects, even after just 4 weeks of use.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Thanks for the responses.

We had another long conversation about the medications. 
She stated her reasons on pursuing this route a little better, although she still thinks I'm simply a big denier. And what really bothers me is her attitude that "with millions of people on SSRI's, obviously there's nothing wrong with them". And that my concern is a lone concern.

And it turns out that it wasn't Xanax that was her 2nd prescription. It was Prozac. So I feel bad for barking up the wrong tree and wasting people's time on that.


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