# The Hidden Letter



## LoveInTheTropics (Mar 13, 2012)

So, I find a hidden letter written by my boyfriend to a girl hes worked with. It simply said to her that he thinks about her everyday and that he just found a girlfriend (ME) when she started working in his office (seven months ago). He apparently developed feelings for her at the time and its shocking to find this letter in a binder he keeps in my car. Ive confronted him about it and all he said was "throw it away". Ive been through this before and ive heard the same thing. Im here sitting in my office thinking what I should do. HE says that letter is nothing and its 'just paper" . I don't know what i should do....i gave him my love and trust because I BELIEVED he was different from my previous relationship only to find out hes hiding LOVE NOTES from me just like the other one did. Whats wrong with me? After i broke up with my last boyfriend of 3 years i promised myself never to get into something like this again and wil always put my emotional and physical health above any boyfriend i may have in the future. Im considering moving back into my old home because I dont want to let this go and have things mess over again. Ive made that same mistake and Ive seen what happens in the end. ugh please ADVICEADVICE


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

You must talk to your boyfriend very seriously, it is sure that he is cheating on you. One more thing that can be possible is that he may just attracted by that girl. But to solve this issue, you should definitely talk to him.


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## LoveInTheTropics (Mar 13, 2012)

I will talk to him. I didnt want to talk to him until we were both off duty. He seems to act as if ive already forgiven him but i gave him the cold shoulder all throughout lunch. He shouldve gotten the hint. Im considering to break up with him but idk if thats the right move.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

LoveInTheTropics said:


> I will talk to him. I didnt want to talk to him until we were both off duty. He seems to act as if ive already forgiven him but i gave him the cold shoulder all throughout lunch. *He shouldve gotten the hint.* Im considering to break up with him but idk if thats the right move.


*no! no! no!* Hint is not talking. If you haven't forgiven him, tell him. If you're considering breaking up with him, tell him. If you're still mad at him, tell him. No hints. If you want it to have any chance to be resolved, talk to him straight. If you don't want to resolve it and just want to leave, then that's up to you I guess. 

We don't catch hints about simple or difficult concepts.


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## LoveInTheTropics (Mar 13, 2012)

I guess I was too angry to have remembered that small detail. But im going to talk to him during down time. I gave him enough to think about at work, i didnt want to make any hasty decisions and leave him distracted. *SIGH* But hes smarter than that. I know he can take a hint. He'll just act dumb and won't admit it until he's drunk. Thanks though.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

LoveInTheTropics said:


> I will talk to him. I didnt want to talk to him until we were both off duty. He seems to act as if ive already forgiven him but i gave him the cold shoulder all throughout lunch. He shouldve gotten the hint. Im considering to break up with him but idk if thats the right move.


Don't decide it before. Listen to him. May be he realized his mistake and made his mind to not to do it again..


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

Sounds like he is very dismissive toward what happened, you and your feelings. It's just a piece a paper...toss it out...what's the big deal?

I would drop his butt right quick.

It would be different if he showed any sincere remorse or understanding about how all this hurt you. Then MAYBE there would be some foundation where trust can be built upon once again.

You don't have that. He's just a boyfriend...even if you love him...just saying it's much, much easier to cut ties quickly and cleanly with a boyfriend than a husband.

You can do better than this. There are many faithful, loyal, wonderful men out there you will always be able to trust. REALLY...lots and lots of them. Keep looking. You haven't found one yet.

Best wishes!


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## LoveInTheTropics (Mar 13, 2012)

@itgetsbetter - Yeah, ive been through this before. Same ****, different men. . .it also irritates me how he can act as though nothing happened. . .hes currently trying to avoid talking about the situation by saying that were going to a friends place tonight. . .I know his moves. . .i told him that i didnt want to go. . .but hes forcing me to go because he knows people will ask wher i was. . .and were ALWAYS together. . .it jus sucks to know that ive been messed with again. . .its a jacked up feeling


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Not knowing some of the little details, allow me to play Devil's Advocate, if I may....

Is it possible that, putting these thoughts on paper at the time was his way of working through his own conflicted feelings? While not exactly this sort of scenario, I've put words to paper (or keyboard) just to unjumble my thoughts and as a sort of release valve. They are, as the song lyric goes, letters I've written never meaning to send.

Or, it could all be as you fear.

Which is why it's important for the two of you to really talk about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveInTheTropics (Mar 13, 2012)

We've finally had a talk. He was very sweet through it all. But I was very cautious because I know there are people who know how to act all sweet and innocent when truly they are not. I asked him about the girl and he said that she was nothing and that he had no feelings for her, even when he wrote it. I knew that part was a lie but when he apologized for hurting me, I knew he was sincere because he started to cry. He said he had forgotten that the letter was there and i knew that was true because that binder the letter was in was left in my car months ago and it only took my going through to discover it.

I told him Ive forgiven him but im not sure myself if i've truly forgiven this act because I found myself thinking about it, going through the letter in my head over and over again. Maybe this phase is normal. Hopefully it will pass. Im not sure how much ill trust him after this, though. 

and at GRAYSON, I think you may be right. He probably was trying to sort his feelings out because hes never really had a steady relationship before meeting me. He mightve wanted to be with me yet felt for another because we were just getting to know each other at the time. However, that letter was a print out of his conversation with that woman. He expressed his feelings and she made it quite clear that they would only be friends. It just hurt to know this because he clearly said that I was the only one he had his eye on and I was foolish enough to believe his words.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

LoveInTheTropics said:


> and I was foolish enough to believe his words.


And, you're still being foolish. You are destined to keep meeting the same guys with different names because you keep making the same mistakes.

People telling you to talk to him about something like this is useless. You talking to him is useless. It isn't as though he is going to admit liking someone else while he's with you and you are confronting him. It simply is not something anyone admits to. If you caught him in bed with the woman, he would somehow convince you "it's not what you think" and you will believe him.

Stop repeating your same mistakes. Promising yourself this will never happen to you again will not prevent it from happening. Believing people (or not believing them) or being cautious when the crap hits the fan will not erase that it happened. Stop jumping into relationships just because you meet a guy, or just because someone shows you some attention and says all the things you like to hear, or just because a man says he loves you, or just because a guy a asks you to move in with him. Seven months of knowing this person is not enough time to already be living with him. 

When you meet men in the future, guard your feelings for a long while. Stay in your own place for a long while. It should take at least a couple years before you can expect to really know a person and really know where the relationship is headed. Two years might not even be enough time, but at least you will know you gave it sufficient time for him to reveal his true self and whether or not he is worth investing your heart, your finances, and your future. 

You have to make changes in yourself; you have to stop doing the same things over and over; you have to stop jumping all in if you want men to treat you differently. Saying what won't happen will not stop it from happening.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I would personally distance myself from him.

Move back to your old house.
Sort through the feelings.

I wouldn't be willing to continue in a relationship where the trust was broken and no effort was being made to repair that trust (such as access to all of his accounts/cell phone passwords, or even switching jobs so that he maintains NC with a potential mistress).

So he started crying and said sorry to you... That doesn't mean that nothing happened.

If you are simply dating, I think this is a big enough offense to break it off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LoveInTheTropics,

It is not unusual for people who are in committed relationships to develop feelings for other people. We cannot help our feelings.. they just happen. We are 100% responsible for how we handle our feelings and what we do with them.

Years ago I was married and had 'in love' feelings for a man I worked with. I was also in love with my husband.

I was engaged at the time and married. The man and his wife become very good friends with me and my husband. I had those feelings for this man for years.. at least a decade.

But I never acted on the feelings or the other guy nor ever told anyone about them. I am adult enough to know that having 'in love' feelings does not mean that I have to jump into a relationship with some guy. Nor does it mean that I would choose to hurt my husband or his wife who became a very good friend of mine. 

My point is that your bf cannot help it if he has some feelings for someone. He has control over how he handles the feelings. Writing a love letter to her, if he never approached her is pretty silly... it reminds me of junior high. But it could very well have been his way of handing the feelings.

I don't think that the letter means much, though you finding it is a good opportunity to address this sort of thing with him. For example if one of you has these sorts of feelings crop up .... how should they be handled. Should the one with the feelings talk to the other and let them know that this is going on? Or should they stuff it, hold it back and never bring it up, avoid the other person? Usually these sorts of infatuations die down after a time if someone does not act on them.

This might be an opportunity for you to discuss things like 100% transparency, radical honesty and other ways to affair proof your relationship. Avoiding such topics is what often leaves a gapping hole in a marriage through which a spouse can become a wayward spouse. Better that you both make it safe in your relationship for both of you to bring up, discuss and protect the relationship from some vulerabilities. It's much better than making so that neither of you can let the other know about your most inner feelings on things like this.

You might want to look at the books in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage... they could also be called "affair proofing your marriage".

If you know each other vulnerabilities, make it save for the vulnerable person to bring them up and have a plan to protect from them.. your relationship will be very intimate and strong.

You have no proof whatsoever right now that he has cheated. Only that he had thoughts.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

He kept a letter detailing his feelings about another woman in a ring binder which was kept in YOUR car! He's either incredibly stupid or there is something else going on.
Are you actually sure that he didn't intend for you to find this letter? It may not be something you want o hear but have you considered that he may want to get out of he relationship, however, he may not have the courage to walk away himself, he may want you to end it for him.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dar-li (Mar 14, 2012)

You must provoke your boyfriend and see if something different in his love behavior...and wait with faith in your love toward him, wait for him to make a choice or to grow the feelings toward you and she...


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## LoveInTheTropics (Mar 13, 2012)

To Nigel, I don't understand. If the purpose was to have me end the relationship, why did he beg me to throw the paper away and why did he plead for forgiveness? I have a theory. Perhaps he was just in a stage where he wanted to be with me but had some feelings for someone else at the time. THAT i can understand because i've been in that situation with a past relationship. we were just getting to know each other at the time so I wouldnt call him by Boyfriend at the time. However, I do take it seriously when a person says, "take my word for it" and he said i could take his word that I was the only girl he was checking out. Apparently not. But I can believe it if he grew more feelings for me as he got to know me and grew out of the feelings for the other girl. But hey, who knows? I might be wrong. Just a theory.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Leave him. Use this as a RED FLAG!

I was dating my ex and I found out he was cheating on me. I thought he would change once we married, boy was I wrong. The cheating never stopped!

Your bf should be having a crush on YOU and you only. Not some other woman. This is considered cheating, he has developed an emotional affair with her. It's just as bad as a physical affair, which he will take since he has feelings for her.

Take this opportunity and leave, especially before you marry him. This guy is a tool. He does not respect you. Do not forgive him, he will not change. 

When my current husband came into the picture, all he did was focus on me! It was amazing. He doted on me like no other man. He put me high up on his pedestal and he still does. I do the same for him. 

You will clearly know when someone will not cheat. Their whole outlook on life is different and they spend all their energy pleasing you. My current husband spent every moment's free time with me, Which was every weekend until we married. My ex never spent time with me, he was too busy with other women.


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