# I just caught my husband cheating online AGAIN! Please help!!



## Mominneedofhelp (Nov 1, 2015)

I'm sorry if this is rushed and jumbled. I don't know what to do. Let me start by stating that my husband and I have had issues for a while. We've been married for 3 years, together for 4. We have 2 children, ages 4 years and 7 months. 

In April of 2014 I caught my husband having an emotional affair online. He had been communicating with her via kik. He told me that it was a woman that he'd been talking to before me but it continued while we were married. He told me that they had never even met or spoke over the phone and that their relationship remained exclusively online. She had seen naked pictures of him and him of her. He said they talked nearly everyday. I also found pictures on his skype and tablet although I'm not sure they were of the same woman. He said he was becoming completely honest with me, gave me his password to his email accounts, facebook, and phone. He deleted his skype and kik accounts (before I had the opportunity to view past messages). We went to counseling a few times but thought we could deal with it without counselling. The therapist seemed to keep pushing me to leave him and we didn't want that. 

Things seemed to be getting better between us emotionally. I still struggled with trust but I was working hard on it. Our sexual relationship has not been good for months. To be honest, I can't even remember the last time we've had sex... it's been months. We had a trouble sexually before (which he said was the reason his affair started) but after a while, started to get back on track. Then he torn a muscle in his knee, and so it stopped again and just never picked back up. We both want it but with the exhaustion of being a stay-at-home mom with 2 young kids and his tendency to be grouchy after work (due to stress he says), it just never happens. It's a problem, I know. 

Last night, I happened to see his phone light up with a snapchat message from a woman's name I didn't recognize. I didn't know he even had snapchat. When I asked him about it, he immediately clammed up and became defensive. I asked to see his phone and found between 8-15 women on his account that he had been communicating with. He told me that he downloaded the app a few months back and just began seeking out woman to release sexual tension with. He told me he's never more than chatted with any of them and doesn't have any kind of relationship with them beyond the sexual talk and pictures. He told me he was just starved for sex and needed some kind of a outlet. I don't know what to do. He swore to me before that nothing like this would ever happen again. I told him point blank that I was afraid that if we had trouble sexually again, that he would seek out another woman and he assured me that he wouldn't. I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I don't know that it's healthy to staying in the relationship even though I know he loves me, but I also need to consider my girls. Can we recover from this? I feel so alone. Please help!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Mominneedofhelp said:


> He told me he's never more than chatted with any of them and doesn't have any kind of relationship with them beyond the sexual talk and pictures. He told me he was just starved for sex and needed some kind of a outlet. I don't know what to do. Please help!


Great logic. He's starved for sex, not really getting any, so he gets himself all turned on and most likely wanting sex, and then.....still has no sex? Not buying it. 

Sorry you're here . You guys need counseling!


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Chats between 8 and 15 women? And then using some bu11sh1t to justify his behavior? And this after being outed before? Any remorse? Any offer to seek out IC? If no, then time to kick him to the curb. On the off chance that you do want to reconcile (this is the option my wife and I took after she discovered I had cheated on her), then some serious demands must be put in place and he must commit to them. Full disclosure, counseling, NC whatsoever....just for starters.

Hell, our sex life was pretty nonexistent but I never, ever threw that down as an excuse for my behavior. I simply owned it and sought help. Sorry you're here, but hopefully with the advice from the TAM community, you can move forward. Sorry for your pain.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Time to crack the whip. With you being a SAHM, he must want to go to the poor house and see his kids a few days a month. I'm going to recommend that you work on yourself. Exercise, dress a little nicer (not slvttier) and just overall work on improving yourself. I'm not going to recommend the 180 yet because it sounds like he ain't getting any at home and that cause him to just bounce on you.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

He told you "he wants to release some sexual tension" and he doesnt even try it with you. 

What is even worse is this is his second time and if you really want to stay with him be prepared to more of it.

You definitely need to see a therapist especially your husband. Cant he see what is he doing to you and your kids !!!

You are not married that long,both of you should be all over each other. 

Send your kids to grandparents and talk to him. See what he wants,tell him what you want. Go to nice diner,to walk... You are husband and wife you should be able to talk about everything and not have secret accounts on dating sites.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mominneedofhelp said:


> I'm sorry if this is rushed and jumbled. I don't know what to do. Let me start by stating that my husband and I have had issues for a while. We've been married for 3 years, together for 4. We have 2 children, ages 4 years and 7 months.
> 
> In April of 2014 I caught my husband having an emotional affair online. He had been communicating with her via kik. He told me that it was a woman that he'd been talking to before me but it continued while we were married. He told me that they had never even met or spoke over the phone and that their relationship remained exclusively online. She had seen naked pictures of him and him of her. He said they talked nearly everyday. I also found pictures on his skype and tablet although I'm not sure they were of the same woman. He said he was becoming completely honest with me, gave me his password to his email accounts, facebook, and phone. He deleted his skype and kik accounts (before I had the opportunity to view past messages). We went to counseling a few times but thought we could deal with it without counselling. The therapist seemed to keep pushing me to leave him and we didn't want that.
> 
> ...


Your husband is starved for sex. Now, here's a novel concept for your husband. He could try having sex with his wife, or, failing that, masturbation.

By the way, at this point you have no proof that he has had sexual activities with any of these women, so please, for your sake, and the sake of your children, gt tested for STDs.

Also, you raised a red flag. And a pretty big one. Why on earth would the therapist push you to leave your husband?

The only logical reason that I can think is if the therapist knew stuff that he/she could not reveal to you based on confidentiality (what your husband had told them on a private session) but that they knew should be a marriage killer if you knew about them. 

Sorry, but I think your husband is not marriage material.

Perhaps that therapist was right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your therapist probably saw something you didn't want to see.

You have the control here. Tell him he either goes EVERY WEEK to therapy with you and separately, or you are divorcing and taking his house and half his salary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mominneedofhelp said:


> I'm sorry if this is rushed and jumbled. I don't know what to do. Let me start by stating that my husband and I have had issues for a while. We've been married for 3 years, together for 4. We have 2 children, ages 4 years and 7 months.
> 
> In April of 2014 I caught my husband having an emotional affair online. He had been communicating with her via kik. He told me that it was a woman that he'd been talking to before me but it continued while we were married. He told me that they had never even met or spoke over the phone and that their relationship remained exclusively online. She had seen naked pictures of him and him of her. He said they talked nearly everyday. I also found pictures on his skype and tablet although I'm not sure they were of the same woman. He said he was becoming completely honest with me, gave me his password to his email accounts, facebook, and phone. He deleted his skype and kik accounts (before I had the opportunity to view past messages). We went to counseling a few times but thought we could deal with it without counselling. The therapist seemed to keep pushing me to leave him and we didn't want that.
> 
> ...


When I caught my second husband doing that, I contacted every one of the women and talked to them. Found out that he was meeting some of them for sex. They all thought that he was the love of their life (he lied and said that he was not married). So I found as many chat files and emails as I could, zipped them up, and sent the zip file to everyone. That way they could all see that none on them were the love of his life. He was just having fun playing women.. me included.

After they got the file and saw that he was saying the exact same things to all the other women, to include writing sending them all the exact same love poems that he wrote (he's a writer)... they all ended contact with him.

Your husband's excuses are lame. Of course he's meeting women. Why else spend the time and effort? But let's say for a minute that he's not.. then he is just 'sexting' with him. Instead of putting time and effort into your marriage... this is what he's doing.

.


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## Mominneedofhelp (Nov 1, 2015)

Thank you all for your feedback. I'm a little overwhelmed by everything right now. I'm scheduling a counseling session for both of us and a doctor's appointment for myself.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'd like you to take the following steps:

1) Delete your @Mominneedofhelp account from TAM.

2) Reopen a new user account called *Mominneedofdivorce*

3) Repost in the Considering Divorce or Separation section.

4) From there, we'll give you all the advice you need to DUMP THIS LOSER.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

What ultimatum did you give the last time you caught him and gave him another chance?

BTW, how many other chances have you given him so far?

And how many more are you going to give him?

If you back down on your ultimatums he'll just keep cheating. He's not going to change because he knows you won't leave him.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

"We had a trouble sexually before (which he said was the reason his affair started)"

nope. not even close. He's got LOTS of work to do.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> You have the control here. Tell him he either goes EVERY WEEK to therapy with you and separately, or you are divorcing and taking his house and half his salary.


1. Therapy won't work if it's forced. He has to want to change, not to be blackmailed into it.

2. She will not get as much. At best, house acuity will be split. She will get alimonies for just some time, and then will be a single working mom of 2. Not saying she should stay with him, just that it's not all so shiny when it comes to actual divorce. He will be damaged financially and she will be ruined.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ruby, come on. We're speaking metaphorically here. She has to take a strong stand - for once - and he has to see that she means it. Will she get everything she wants? Of course not. But if she were to go up to him and timidly say 'I'm not sure I want to be married any more...it's just bothering me, you know, that you don't seem to want me and you pick other girls, you know, and uh, maybe I should go see a lawyer and see if maybe I need to think about leaving you'...he'd laugh HER out of the house. 

The ONLY way she has ANY hope of turning him and the marriage around - which is her current stated purpose we're supposed to be helping her with - is for her to be outraged, indignant, a woman scorned, and make him think twice about giving her the runaround again.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> ruby, come on. We're speaking metaphorically here. She has to take a strong stand - for once - and he has to see that she means it. Will she get everything she wants? Of course not. But if she were to go up to him and timidly say 'I'm not sure I want to be married any more...it's just bothering me, you know, that you don't seem to want me and you pick other girls, you know, and uh, maybe I should go see a lawyer and see if maybe I need to think about leaving you'...he'd laugh HER out of the house.
> 
> The ONLY way she has ANY hope of turning him and the marriage around - which is her current stated purpose we're supposed to be helping her with - is for her to be outraged, indignant, a woman scorned, and make him think twice about giving her the runaround again.



I don't believe he will change, turnera. She can be scaring him all day long, and at best he will stop temporarily and may start hiding it better. So, if she says what you are advising her to say, she should be prepared to follow through with it. And if she does, then she better know that it won't be as much as you projected. 

I've been a single mom for over 10 years. I do not regret my divorce. But I am a professional with a good pay check. I am not sure what I'd be thinking of my divorce if I were a stay home mother of 2. Maybe, she should get a good job before leaving... Otherwise, chances of her crawling back to him are rather high. When one is hungry and has no roof over the one's head, getting cheated on suddenly becomes a much smaller problem.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mominneedofhelp said:


> I'm sorry if this is rushed and jumbled. I don't know what to do. Let me start by stating that my husband and I have had issues for a while. We've been married for 3 years, *together for 4*. We have 2 children, *ages 4 years *and 7 months.



Once you rid yourself of this loser, which may not be easy without an income, don't do that again. Spend time to get to know your man before having children with him.


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## Mominneedofhelp (Nov 1, 2015)

I was upset and hurried when I wrote this. We've been together for 5.5 years. We were living together when I got pregnant. But thanks for that.


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## Mominneedofhelp (Nov 1, 2015)

The thing is, if I were reading this post, I would probably be giving the same advice... Run. But the kids make the situation much more complicated. Regardless of problems as him and I have, he's a good day and my girls adore him. Leaving him would break my oldest daughter's heart. He's in the military so it's not like he could still see the girls all the time. It may appear that the solution is simple but it's a really difficult situation.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are already making excuses and excuses for him too, being in the military, being starved for sex, none of these are good enough reasons or excuses for what he is doing. You need to be prepared to lose this marriage in order to save it. If you keep making excuses and accepting what is going on then there is nothing anyone can do to help you. Have some self respect. He sent naked pics of himself, has around 10 girls on chat apps, etc, come on, how on earth is this excusable?
Going to counselling will not make a bit of difference if your mind set is trying to justify what he is doing.

This is a war and you need to
1, blow him out of the water, go scorched earth, tell friends and family what you have discovered
2. kick him out of the house and tell him he can do whatever he likes but unless he cleans up his act he will be gone permanently
3. forget about MC for now, he needs to sort himself out. YOu need to get some help with your self esteem, go to IC. Focus on you and your kids, your WH is only going to drag you down, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and see what he is about to lose
4. If you are a military family, contact the requisite legal adviser and get some advise
5. Go ahead and file those papers. Your WH thinks from past experience that you will only threaten and do nothing, show him otherwise. Let him see what it is like to be without his family. Going outside the marriage is non negotiable. You tell him if he wants to work on the marriage, he needs to deal with this crap first. 

On another note, are you holding out on the sex part, because if you are then you need to deal with that part.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You didn't marry someone just so you could let them cheat on you. He is what he is. He is part of your life but he doesn't have to be the END RESULT of your life. 

And if you leave, he then has a REASON to get his head out of his ass and become a better person.

Trust me, your kids will be happier with a mom who has her head on straight than just having two adults in one home.


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