# Would you pay your husbands child support?



## tbullucks06 (Jun 3, 2011)

Hi Everyone. I'm new to this site. I'd like to thank you for reading this and would appreciate feedback.

So I don't know what I'm doing. I've been married for 5 years, we've been living with each other for 7 years and have been together totally for 12. My husband has children from a previous marriage /relationships that he has been responsible for paying child support for. Child support has been an issue for us the WHOLE TIME. Especially since we moved in together.

He's been kind of chronically unemployed. In the line of work he has been doing, he'll work some where for a while, most likely he'll be on a contract job. Then the contract will end, not be renewed and his company won't have any other desirable jobs (way lower pay) or geographically convenient (way too far to drive) for him to take. So he'll leave that company to attempt to find one that will have a position for him. This has left him out of a job on several occasions. It's become a pattern over the years. It's made him consistently behind on his child support. Needless to say I've handled our TOGETHER finances the whole time ALONE. CURRENTLY: My salary covers the monthly bills with little left over. His salary has been supplemental for us. It hasn't always been this way. I used to make a lot less which made things a lot harder obviously. We've had utilities turned off, almost foreclosed on - the whole nine yards. 

This time around he was laid off due to lack of work at the company he was working for. He has been out of work for 3 months. I can't say he hasn't looked for a job at all, but most days he's not gung ho about it and he's not taking the right steps either I feel. He'll get a lead and want to sit and wait to see what happens with that lead before he looks for anything else. He doesn't have a lot of skills and is trying to apply for jobs he doesn't have much documented experience in. We all know the job market is extemely competitive right now so employers have their pick of the litter. Also with him having all these gaps in employment it makes him an even less desirable candidate. My dad is awesome at helping people find jobs and my husband refuses his help. My husband is also not one of those men who is willing to go out and do whatever it takes to just get a paycheck to help. Honestly I absolutely don't feel like he's lazy and doesn't want to work, he just isn't good at finding jobs and getting hired. He's very stubborn and wants to do it all on his own even though it's not working.

At any rate, the first thing he said when he got laid off this time around was that "WE" still need to keep paying child support. He's been on the county's radar recently because the job he had before this last one was all under the table and the county got on him for not having a job on record. He was still paying the support though during that time. He's stressed out now about them putting him in jail and won't inform them that he was laid off. Recently he was called back into court and they are now requiring him to make a double monthly payments to catch up on the rearage. Considering I'm the only one working, the money has got to come out of my pocket. It appears though that he's comfortable with this. Having to do this has really set us back and lately we've been having to look for loose change to put gas in our cars after taking care of his support payments. I just can't figure out why he is not acting as if this is a desperate situation to him. 

I'm exploding inside over the stress and the anger of having to worry about our finances. The way I look at it is that I'm not obligated to do this. I'm doing it for him. They are not my kids. We don't have contact with them. I like kids and would love to be in their lives but honestly over the time we have been together, they have been nothing but a BURDEN. A bill. Also, I honestly believe I wouldn't have such a prolbem with doing it if it didn't leave us strapped. You would think that he would feel guilty that I am having to pay for some one elses kids but I don't feel like he does. To him that's what marriage is. Helping the other one when they are down. Problem being is that he's always needing help up and can never help carry the load. I feel like he's just sitting back because he knows the support is being taken care of. Sure it sucks to him that he has to bum money from me but not enough to just go and take any job. I've gone off on him a couple of times over the issue. I know this isn't the route to take, but I can't help it. I don't know what to do. He expects me to be more understanding. Everytime I blow up at him he gets mad at me and says once he gets a job he's gonna get his own place. I love him and want it to work out but I need to feel like he is trying harder. Right now I feel like the pain of leaving him would be easier to deal with than constantly having to deal with this. Need advice. Am I being unreasonable? Do I need to be more sympathetic? Am I making it too easy for him?


----------



## tbullucks06 (Jun 3, 2011)

OMG I wrote a book.


----------



## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

i don't know what your state laws are but the state I'm in doesn't hold the parents spouse responsible for child support legally. You didn't create the child therefore your income isn't taken into consideration.

morally responsible is another story. Personally, I would pay my husband's child support and the rest of the household bills temporarily.No more than 6 months and it wouldn't be done on a recurring basis. Marriage is a partnership and right now your husband is not pulling his weight in this partnership.

My favorite phrase is "not my kid,not my problem." it is selfish and cold but sometimes people just take and take til you have nothing left to give.

if he is threatening to leave you because you're expressing frustration and anger over his lack of contributions then let him go get his own place and so he can stop leeching off you. He sounds like a parasite honey.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

tbullucks06 said:


> OMG I wrote a book.


Without any paragraphs! Challenging read.


----------



## tbullucks06 (Jun 3, 2011)

Sorry I thought I did use paragraphs


----------



## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable and I don't think that you should have to pay child support. Especially because of the fact that when you do mention it to him he threatens to leave once he gets on his feet again. That is messed up.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

tbullucks06 said:


> Sorry I thought I did use paragraphs


You did! OMG that was me being a complete dope! Sorry.


----------



## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

gotta say that when I first read your title..I thought HELL YES..when you marry a man with children it is a package deal...and marriage is all about being a team.

HOWEVER.

reading on I think I see that this is not just about child support. It is about HIM and his ATTITUDE. Personally, I would tell him something along the lines of...I would LOVE to HELP you with child support this month as LONG AS everything else is taken care of, oh and by the way, it may be an expensive month as I need "" insert whatever you want to buy yourself right here"

and then give him a bit towards it..but not all. 

Sorry but you are being used. Time to put him in line. It is not like these kids are in your life and you are getting the benefits of having kids with you. His ****. His Responsibility. Sorry for being so blunt.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Mmm. This is a tough one really.

I get the forum's quickdraw reaction to say, "Oh he's a leech." but I don't know. . .I know this latest Mancession has hit men the hardest and if you work construction (is that what he works?), you are kind of left to figure things out and it's hard to make your way in the world. And it's not exactly good to say to a man who works construction:

"How about a career change to nursing? That's a regular job. Yeah, if you were a man, you'd do it!" 

First of all, who knows if he'd get in to nursing school. Second of all, there are nurses out of work now in teh recession (many hospitals have hiring freezes on and are making nurses carry bigger patient loads and not telling accrediting agencies)

Yeah, sure, we'd all like him to find "steady" work but honestly, the day and age of a "Laborer Economy" Is coming to a close. . .you can kind of palpate it when you hear people complaining Obama isnt' creating jobs. WE need jobs. Men need jobs. . .well. . .what entitles anyone to a job? WHy do corporations have to take care of American people?

I am digressing a little but I am trying to make a point.

Here's what I think you need more than a marriage therapist:

I think you need a good financial/career advisor.

I get the idea that construction work/factory work/machinist's, etc, will always come in and out like the tide. He then needs to figure out something to earn money when times are down. He needs to build if even a side business of being a handyman, landscaper, whatever.

The problem I have found with men who are of "construction bent" - they have no idea how to market themselves or sell themselves, even though there is and always is a market for "handymen."

I know of one young guy in your husband's situation who is simply just "scared" to knock on my door and ask for my business because he sees it as "pandering" (instead of just marketing his services). This is despite my invitation to his girlfriend to do so.

Is it a lack of ambition on his part? Perhaps. Fear of rejection? Perhaps.

Honestly, it's just marketing and we all have to do it. I guess I have lived it as a business person everyday of my life. No one owes you a living. WHen I do my moonlighting in the employee world, I am always amazed at the mindset of "gainfully employed" people in that regard.

He feels helpless but he's not. He's got to put on a clean pair of work clothes and go out and knock on doors, hand out cards and brochures and learn how to network. It all sounds very "Chamber of Commerce-ish" but it really doesn't have to be that way.

Networking is calling on everyone you know from Boy Scouts to friends and family and letting them know what you do and how you cna help them and even if they can't use your services right now. . .you are there for them when they do (keeping in touch every 3-6 months). Keeping in front of them and maintaining a relationship.

Honestly, I live in an area where handymen and contractors are a bunch of knuckleheads and this may be un-PC. . .what I am about to say. . .but Hispanic Immigrants understand the above more than Natives here.

Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tbullucks06 said:


> He doesn't have a lot of skills and* is trying to apply for jobs he doesn't have much documented experience in*.
> 
> My dad is awesome at helping people find jobs and my husband *refuses his help*.


That alone would make me kick his lazy ass out. He is applying for jobs he KNOWS he won't get. He refuses help. And he expects YOU to pay HIS bills.

The only thing wrong with this situation is that YOU are willing to accept it.

And this is him MANIPULATING you so that you shut up and pay his bills:


> He expects me to be more understanding. Everytime I blow up at him he gets mad at me and says once he gets a job he's gonna get his own place.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Invite him to leave. Let HIM pay his own bills while you pay yours and build up a savings account, a sense of self-esteem, and good boundaries so that, if he learns his lesson, he can come back on YOUR terms.


----------



## Pleione (Jun 17, 2011)

As a woman married to someone who has been doing contract jobs most of his life, I can tell you right now that the market out there lately is rough. Recruiters really are being selective about who they bring in. While some are eager to call and throw him in the pit, you can believe several other recruiters have done the same thing and tossed in more than just a few so their chances of being selected is higher.

It's literally like running the lottery when it comes to contract positions.

I feel you on the burden of having to pay for a responsibility that should be his, but at the same time this is something that you went into knowing that would be an expense for the both of you. Whether he pays it or you do, what difference does it make? It's the income you both put in together that has to be put towards child support. If he can't do it at the moment due to the great economy, I'm not sure what's stopping you from doing it. Child Support is really what you said, an expense. 

This doesn't mean you should be easier on him. Oh no, I know exactly what he's doing as my own husband has done the same thing. They get so optimistic about one potential lead that they feel they've accomplished their quota and sit around twiddling their fingers only to later find out that it's filled. He needs to start realizing that if he has to work a fail job until a better one comes along, so be it. If it means doing McDonalds part-time, so be it. There's no shame in that so as long as he's showing that he's doing what he has to do to make a means of living and taking care of his financial responsibilities as a contributing spouse.

Try sitting him down and talking to him. Let him know that any amount of help would be grand. I imagine right now you just want to know he's doing his part even if it's as little as cleaning the house during the day when you're at work or cooking dinner so you don't have to. Anything to make life easier on YOU while things are rough financially.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Massachusetts ... if you said 'I do' to him, you agreed to pay his child support, or alimony if he becomes un - or under-employed. Second spouses wages can be garnished for non-payment.

Many post-divorce couples now choose NOT to remarry for this exact reason.


----------

