# What would you say in your last conversation?



## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

Have any of you ever thought about what the last conversation with your ex- or soon-to-be ex would consist of? In other words, the best argument that you can put together to say, 'stay,' 'come to counseling,' etc? 

What would you say? Invoke good memories from the past? Past evidence that change has happened? Or just very simply - we can make this not only work, but be happy together. Come to counseling, no strings attached?

Easier to say or write?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

great question! i look forward to some great answers. i'm about to have that "last conversation."


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

By last conversation, do you mean before they drop the D word on you or do you mean the last conversation before you go your separate ways? If it is the latter, I have quite often thought about that. For me, it would not be about trying to keep the marriage alive since at that point (well actually we are past that point) it would be to say goodbye as H and W. I will still be talking to her on and off forever because we will have grandchildren and our children are still our children. I don't think I would ever be able to say I will never talk to her again.

But back to the "last conversation." I plan to say to her that she gave me 36 of the best years of my life. That we grew up together and learned from each other along the way. I will let her know that not everything was bad, that I have a lot of wonderful memories and no matter where life leads us, they will always be with me. I would let her know how blessed I have been that she gave me three beautiful children and that my one and only wish for her is to find the happiness that she has been searching for and deserves. I would tell her that I am sorry that I did not work hard enough to make us work, if I could turn back the clock, there are a few things that I would have done differently; but that isn't possible. And lastly, I would let her know that if she ever has an emergency and needs help, that she can feel as comfortable contacting me as she would a close friend.

That is pretty much it. I would hate to just sign the papers and walk out. I am even thinking a hug for each other but I don't know if that would be weird. Just not sure.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

That is ALL I think about lately, at least most of the time. And I am amazed that since the 2.5months she dropped the D word and the 2 months since I found out about the multiple A's it is subtley and constantly changing. It kind of like my mind is trying to rewrite history based on the emotion at any given moment. I look back to what I've written and recorded and then I get angry - I've been really trying to make that anger work for me, sometimes it does other times not.

Currently the dialog goes something like: "I don't really give a sh!t that you are weak and can't control your impulses, you have no excuses other than your own stupidity for choosing to destroy your life and our family. Your eyes are bigger than your appetite so you tossed the best catch in the ocean out of the live well in order to fill it with large but lousy tasting algae sucking bottom feeders. Have fun with that, now I'm finally free of you at least I enjoy swimming for awhile before letting some better woman catch and eat me instead of you - while you are stuck subsisting on your jars of pickled parasite. If you really want me to let you back in my life then you have to earn it, knowing that you are a liar and a cheat I honestly don't even think you are capable of the work you need to do in order to pass my approval, but I will enjoy seeing you try nonetheless. By the way your boxes of stuff are to the left and here's the divorce agreement for you to get signed."

(ah that felt good to write! even though there is some element of fantasty to it)


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

^^^Very interesting, completely opposite reactions. Lon, I feel like my DH would have one like yours. And, BL, you are more like me.

The last conversation is either signing the papers or submitting. For me, its submitting the papers and getting on with my life (he left me, but won't start the process).

For me, my gut is saying that it should be pretty simple. My soon-to-be ex is stubborn (so I am) and when he feels like someone is pushing him he'll do the opposite just because. I wish he accepted the idea of counseling just from the stand point of 'it can't hurt' because we're seriously losing everything. I'm going to counseling, which is what he requested of me. 

I think I'll start with the changes I have made in a short period of time - that I've taken charge of the house and my son alone, that I now see the joy in our moments as a family, better at communicating my appreciation for his efforts, to make a commitment to change the way I talk about others, and making efforts to improving myself.

Then talk about us - that I feel we can work well as a team, we can still have happy moments together. I still think about moving into our first house, our next child, and growing old together. But all of that can't happen without improving our relationship. That, at the very least, counseling will help us co-parent, end our relationship in the best way possible. That we can look our son in the eyes someday and say that we really did try everything to make it work. Close with, owning my role in causing him to feel like he has no choice, and say this is my best attempt at giving you back that ability to choose.

Oye I'm tearing up...don't know if I can say all this in person.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> That is ALL I think about lately, at least most of the time. And I am amazed that since the 2.5months she dropped the D word and the 2 months since I found out about the multiple A's it is subtley and constantly changing. It kind of like my mind is trying to rewrite history based on the emotion at any given moment. I look back to what I've written and recorded and then I get angry - I've been really trying to make that anger work for me, sometimes it does other times not.
> 
> Currently the dialog goes something like: "I don't really give a sh!t that you are weak and can't control your impulses, you have no excuses other than your own stupidity for choosing to destroy your life and our family. Your eyes are bigger than your appetite so you tossed the best catch in the ocean out of the live well in order to fill it with large but lousy tasting algae sucking bottom feeders. Have fun with that, now I'm finally free of you at least I enjoy swimming for awhile before letting some better woman catch and eat me instead of you - while you are stuck subsisting on your jars of pickled parasite. If you really want me to let you back in my life then you have to earn it, knowing that you are a liar and a cheat I honestly don't even think you are capable of the work you need to do in order to pass my approval, but I will enjoy seeing you try nonetheless. By the way your boxes of stuff are to the left and here's the divorce agreement for you to get signed."
> 
> (ah that felt good to write! even though there is some element of fantasty to it)


Geez Lon, I think that from my last post, I am being a pansy. You made me feel like a lilly flower girlie man. LOL!!!! I may have to refine it. :rofl:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well, like I said right now I'm flip-flopping big time on my emotions, but for awhile now the one I posted is probably the dialog I would want to take (*so that I could get her back *without having to beg, plus also to get myself to cope with the visuals of her affairs).


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> Well, like I said right now I'm flip-flopping big time on my emotions, but for awhile now the one I posted is probably the dialog I would want to take (*so that I could get her back *without having to beg, plus also to get myself to cope with the visuals of her affairs).


That's really interesting...when I read your post I was thinking you really wanted her to just leave, but now I see that its also a 'wake up call' challenging her to change...I responded to my wake up call and I hope its enough for him to put his foot back in our door.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon said:


> Well, like I said right now I'm flip-flopping big time on my emotions, but for awhile now the one I posted is probably the dialog I would want to take (*so that I could get her back *without having to beg, plus also to get myself to cope with the visuals of her affairs).


Yeah, I was going to post more on my last comment about that but I backed out and erased it. I know your situation is different. Had there been current affairs with mine, I would have copied your post and put it on a note card to take with me to the signing. But my situation was different; well, at least it was in the final days of our marriage. She did have an EA and ended up f'cking (sorry for the crude word, it's just they I feel about it) the co-worker 11 years ago but I got past that, at least I felt that I did, maybe she didn't, I don't know. I shoulda seen it coming back then.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

wunderbar said:


> That's really interesting...when I read your post I was thinking you really wanted her to just leave, but now I see that its also a 'wake up call' challenging her to change...I responded to my wake up call and I hope its enough for him to put his foot back in our door.


Yeah it is a wake up call of sorts, though I feel the need to be nonverbal about it. The point is if she answers the call or not, I still have to do what I need to do, and the first order of business for me is not letting myself be walked over. I am still trying to detach from her but I am realizing that obsessing, begging, pleading trying to change her mind is of no use and so I am better off letting go now rather than later (this is the hard part). Thing is I'm not religious or superstitious neither is she, if we divorce its still never over between us, though my goal is to base it on what's best for me - the many wonderful good memories that we've experienced over the years will definitely weigh in her favour despite the affair so she has a head start over other women that may happen to compete for me (lolololol - huh, what did I just write??) on the other hand, apart from some good times together that I really cherish, she didn't really bring much in the way of contribution to our marriage. Oh and the fact that she completely devastated me with no remorse (yet?). She had my heart, but I'm realizing she was probably replacable (this sounds really cold and callous but I think has a lot of truth).


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I will soon be leaving the office for the house. I find myself thinking the same thing everyday - I wonder what little nugget of reaction I will get from her when I get home? Will it be a "Hi" (((wave)))? Will it be a "I need you to do this and that chore?" Will it be a, shut the bedroom door in my face? Will it be a "hey, what do you feel like eating for dinner?" Will it be a "I just made my airline reservation today and I need you to go take money out of the credit union Monday?" becuase I can assure you I haven't heard a "hey babe, how was your day today" in about 4 years!!! God I miss that!

She is just acting bi-polar right now. Need to sell the house fast.


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Well, I will soon be leaving the office for the house. I find myself thinking the same thing everyday - I wonder what little nugget of surprise I will get when I get home? Will it be a "Hi" (((wave)))? Will it be a "I need you to do this and that chore?" Will it be a, shut the bedroom door in my face? Will it be a "hey, what do you feel like eating for dinner?" Will it be a "I just made my airline reservation today and I need you to go take money out of the credit union Monday?" becuase I can assure you I haven't heard a "hey babe, how was your day today" in about 4 years!!! God I miss that!


WOW - that's exactly what I face waiting for him to come home everyday. Based on how he enters and whether he mumbles hi or goes straight to our son I know exactly how favorable or bad it will be that day. I would also kill to hear "how was your day, babe?' Hope today is a good day for you and me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A friend of mine leaped over the table at the deposition prior to divorce to try to strangle her husband. And in the courtroom she had to restrained and physically removed because she started shouting she would, and I quote "F#cking stab you, cut your F#cking head off and kill that C^nt's been sleeping in MY house...." and so on. 

And she is an alcoholic with guns in the house. So who knows?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

wunderbar said:


> WOW - that's exactly what I face waiting for him to come home everyday. Based on how he enters and whether he mumbles hi or goes straight to our son I know exactly how favorable or bad it will be that day. I would also kill to hear "how was your day, babe?' Hope today is a good day for you and me.


Yes wunderbar, I hope it is a good for us. Thanks for that. I don't know about you but I am just looking forward to the day I can come home to my own place where I know I won't be hearing any negative comments. I know it will be too quite, but it's better than holding your breath everyday.

I would rather come home to a loving partner but I know that isn't going to happen for a while.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I get to go home to an empty house, stbxw picking up our son from daycare today, was going to golf with friends tomorrow morning but thundershowers, maybe I'll find a party to crash tonight and sleep in tomorrow like I rarely ever have since parenthood. Or likely I will just go home be lonely maybe think about getting something done and just fall asleep watching tv. Even though I wasn't getting "hey babe how was your day"s before (though would give them every chance I could) it is definitely more miserable getting nothing... I'd even take an angry spouse to fight with when I got home over nothing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I've had a lot of "last" conversations with my ex husband and for some reason we haven't completely cut off contact. Which is what it is. 

One of the funniest ones was when we had sex (during divorce process) and I got up and started to change and he said "Are you not staying?" and I said "Nope. I have plans tonight. See you."


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

There a punk song that I think sums it up pretty nicely.

"Glad we met, so sad you left. Sometimes, the sweetest things turn sour"

Kind of like "**** happens, life goes on" That's about where I'm at with last conversations. stbx keeps trying to express his hatred and resentment at me and I just tell him Im not having that conversation. He's aiming for that last dig or hurt and it's really just pointless. I've already said more than my piece on what I think about things and him, time to carry on.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Runs Like a Dog.

OMG love the dashing over the table during the deposition. Priceless. Those are how my "inside thoughts" visualize things like a full fledge body slam and a combination of licks in. 

Ok, that is a sign that I have been traveling too much and need to get back in the gym to relieve some stress .


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

Mine would be a redo....at the time I just wanted him to stay so gave him yet another opportunity to hurt me. Now I would want him to look me in the eye and justify the way he treated me, explain how he could do the inhuman things he did....

oh and it would be really good to find out that the OW and him ended really unhappily....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I would say nothing.
I'd be out of words in that direction.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It sounds almost romantic to imagine there is closure here. But for instance my wife's friend came over last night to vent for HOURS over some new disagreement with her ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Last conversation with the Lying Sack of S--- was about how he was thinking with parts of his body other than his brain. Asking him how he planned to explain leaving me for a 21 year old to his daughters when they grow up, and how I wasn't going to put it in a positive light, how 18 years of marriage meant nothing to him, how he was a liar. I said goodbye in there, too. It was an e-mail. Last in person conversation consisted of me saying "I hate you, you son of a bi---". 

Unfortunately, the affair put a really big shadow on the marriage, and it's hard right now to think of good things because of the fact I had found out he was NOT the man I thought he was, so I'm asking myself if anything in the past was real and meaningful, to him anyway.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I could rehearse that final F-U speech in my head a thousand times. It would be glorious. But I am sure when the time came, I would look up, shrug, sign some forms and check out. She wouldn't care what I had to say anyway, so where's the upside? And to be fair, it's a trap. She would want me to have some kind of diatribe. It would validate her.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

"I gave as good as I got and got as good as I gave. You gave as good as you got and got as good as you gave. Somewhere we stopped giving each other our best."


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cherokee96red said:


> "I gave as good as I got and got as good as I gave. You gave as good as you got and got as good as you gave. Somewhere we stopped giving each other our best."


Very nicely said. Just about sums up our last 11 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I wish you health and happiness.

What more is there to say? I had given numerous opportunities to reconcile and MC but it was never taken. I never pretended other than love. I never begged or cried but kept the message in the I context. I kept my dignity. And I feel NO shame or false pride. I was the better adjusted person in spite of being hurt to my core.

Now I see he filled that empty hole with a motorcycle and an EA. And once again, I have grown. I would have left him behind emotionally and that is what has happened today. Now, I can see I will be grateful to him for the pain because it added to my character.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would say "Don't call, don't write. If you need something fixed call someone else o do that. You have my lawyer's number in case there's a glitch with paperwork or money."


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I would say there was so much more we could have been. I do wish him well, health and happiness.


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## justkate (May 31, 2011)

after his attempt at half-assed apologies to our boys for hurting them and then trying to tell me he was sorry what he did and how he hurt me (no remorse from him at all) i asked him if she was really worth losing his wife, family, home and future for and his response was no, it wasn't. 

i really don't think he has a clue or gets it, maybe one day.

that was the last real conversation and now i keep it strictly about the boys and nothing else. i owe him nothing and nothing is all he'll get from me.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

I think i would just say

'by walking away from our marriage without making any real effort to save it you have let me down, you have let our children down and you have let yourself down, I hope you are able to live with this decision in the future'

of course she wont care, but it makes me feel better


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

So we had our 'last' conversation and he has pseudo moved back in...he still refuses counseling and I'm not sure where to go from here, but its an improvement at least. 

I'm scared because I know if things don't change he'll just leave again, but its hard for things to change when he refuses to go to counseling or even acknowledge his part in our dynamic. :/


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

What she said on 5/1/2011.

I know you are, but it doesn't change things... Be safe and take care of yourself, CB.

I'll never forget what we had...

What I said: Remember you asked if I'd do what ever it takes? You never gave us a chance. Please don't give up on what we have just started. 

she has been gone ever since then...


So now every night i find Keith Urban on youtube and play his music. I even went to the concert we had tickets for this past saturday alone. and yes I cried.

I admit I'm a whimp.


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## needherback (Jun 10, 2011)

wunderbar said:


> So we had our 'last' conversation and he has pseudo moved back in...he still refuses counseling and I'm not sure where to go from here, but its an improvement at least.
> 
> I'm scared because I know if things don't change he'll just leave again, but its hard for things to change when he refuses to go to counseling or even acknowledge his part in our dynamic. :/


I truly hope it works out for you. However, remember that you BOTH played a part on whatever happened and BOTH need to make changes for it to work. If he doesn't want to do counselling, try getting him to do some of the stuff you would do at counselling anyway. Look things up online and get him to work with you to fix things. 

My last conversation? I'll tell her I'm sorry I didn't know how to love her. Sorry for the pain we both went through. I wish I could have succeeded on earning her trust and love back. I'm choosing to only keep the good memories we share and I'm making that choice for the good of our children. I'll wish that she finds the happiness she deserves and I'll tell her I will always love her, not only for giving me the most wonderful children, but also for all the great times we shared during our life together. 

And then I'll cry and curl up inside for a while before looking ahead to my new life full of emptiness...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

From Hell's heart I stab thee!


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