# i really need a womans perspective



## Donny (Jun 27, 2013)

Its been a month since my wife left me. i love her dearly and want nothing more than to have her back as my wife. we have been married for 6 years this past April and have a wonderful 2 yrs old girl. i have tried everything i know how to change her mind. i don't understand what went wrong. we always had such a loving and caring relationship. very supportive of each other and very close. i have always been very emotionally supportive to her, telling her she is beautiful, that i love her and need her. that she is a wonderful mother and a great person. i dont know what i did wrong. she says she doesnt love me the same way any more.everyone around us is flabbergasted. everyone always told us they looked up to us as a couple. she says its because i lost sight of my obligations as a father, husband and a man. i dont understand how that could be. i know i havent worked in a year. its not that i didnt want too. i went back to school to work on getting my associates degree. we talked about it before a decision was made. i havent been hounding her to come back. i have been giving her space, sending her the occasional "i hope you are having a good day" text. i just dont want to push her further away. at the same time i dont want her to think that i dont care by not putting in the effort. im lost, i truly feel torn apart by this. it seems like a few months ago she was so happy to be a family. always say to family and friends how wonderful i husband and father i was. i dont know what changed or how to change it back. i suggested marriage counseling but she refuses. says it will just stretch out her unhappiness. i just want my family back and i am at a loss on what to do. any advice?


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Hi Donny, 

Welcome to TAM... I am sorry to hear about your situation and separation... 

Seems very odd that just a month or so prior to your wife leaving she was telling others about the great guy you are. Plus not wanting to attend counseling with you

By chance has she met another man? Do you suspect an EA or PA?


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## Donny (Jun 27, 2013)

i am not sure. she has never given me any reason to not trust her. there is a guy that she works with that i have had my suspicions about. and it does seem like she started to drift away from me since she started her new job. i am just not sure what to think. i have asked her if it was someone else and she promised me that it was not. she has also told her friends the same thing. but she has seemed to bring this fellow into her life more now that we are separated. i dont like it at all, but i am also not going to show my butt by confronting this guy on the off chance they are "seeing" each other. i dont think she has done anything but i get the feeling that she wants too. i guess that is a reason i am feeling so desperate to fix things before it goes that far.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

I too find it odd that she has not given you a clear reason. Usually if there is one that involves you, some behavior of yours, etc. she will tell you about it loud and clear. I too thought maybe she's met someone else when I read your post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Are there any mutual friends you can go to and see if they have any idea what's going on?


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## Donny (Jun 27, 2013)

we do have mutual friends that i have spoken with but they tell me the same things that she has told me. nor will the talk to her about it because most of them say they dont want to jeopardize their relationship with her. none of them think its over for good but also they dont think its the best choice to separate. even my mother-in-law feels it needs to be worked on and fixed. the only thing my wife will tell me is that she no longer feels in love with me. yet when we first separated, i talked to her a few times and she acted destroyed. she said it was because it was hurting me so badly. but, i told her that i would be here, waiting for her and that i will always love her and that she was the only woman i wanted to spend my life with. when i told her these things, the look on her face looked like she was in terrible pain. the look on her face was the same i imagined was on my face when she left me. i havent spoke to her about our marriage in several weeks. the last thing i said to her was i asked her if we could do something just as friends. i told her that at one time we were best friends. she just said we might be able to do something like that and that was it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

This is similar to when my wife left me. She did have an affair. It was mostly over by that point...she left because the guilt was eating her alive. I had to get it out of her that there was an affair. She wasn't going to tell me.

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion, my friend.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

IMHO she is having an affair.

So sorry you are going through this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There is likely someone else.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I have to agree. There is another person. Even if she is not having an emotional or physical affair maybe she see's this guy as the "type" of guy she wants to be with. But regardless of the scenario, it hurts just the same. 

It's time to read up on the 180. You need to distance yourself from her as much as possible. Protect yourself from further hurts. Keep communication limited only to finances and your child. Doing the 180 (pulling away) is to protect yourself emotionally but sometimes it does affect the other person. When you stop fighting so hard for her it will either make her feel relieved or she'll realize she misses you and come back. But at least you know which way to go. Right now you are just living in limbo and that's not good. 

You can't control what's going to happen with this other person. Whatever will be, will be. Try and focus on yourself now and keep yourself busy.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Get this moved to the coping with infidelity section, or start another post there. There are some serious red flags in your post that suggest she is seeing someone else. 

How long ago did she move out?

Do you have access to her phone, email, and facebook accounts?

Has she been keeping her phone with her at all times?


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

I agree with everyone else, I think she has someone else. Just because her friends don't know or say they don't that doesn't mean anything, even her family not knowing means nothing. We don't just up & leave, even if the problem is money or something else you will hear about it long before we leave, it would been brought up in several arguments.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Donny said:


> there is a guy that she works with that i have had my suspicions about.
> 
> *Tell us why you are suspicious... what things have happened to make you feel this way?*
> 
> ...


Hi Donny, can you share more on these comments?


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