# Require Help with Emotional Affair..



## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Hello there Guys;

So, I need your input on possible available action for me...

As it stands No Contact is already set in Motion that was violated; I put VAR to catch them right after I put NC condition.
I have opened up their Emotional relation in front of his and my family; His wife and mom knows as I confronted both of them in front of them.

Now the hard part; I have already put GPS tracker in my wife phone to confirm when she finishes work and leaves; that will stop them from making after Job meeting plans; 
The Problem is that she is blaming her past friend as I was talking to him prior to catching them, and says that he is taking revenge because he could not have her.

She is saying that they were pushing my button by meeting this third party guy after NC policy; She is blaming her past friend and says that she was angry that I was talking to him.

How do I make her take ownership for this mistake? She says that I took away a very crucial friendship from her life.

She says that If I proposed earier to stop contact than she would start distancing her seft from this third party guy and says why I had to make such a big drama by bringing family in to this mess.

The Third party guy is like a Husband of a Distant Cousin of my wife; they came from similar background and neighbourhood; and he had a reputation of being a ladies man;

The Third party is very smart ladies man type; my wife is in Limerence or a Fog you can say about this guy; She can't stop talking great things about him even if I see so many flaws in the guy.

Right Now; We have given them both warnning of Total exposure to whole community if they pursue this adventure any further;

How do I make her take ownership for this mistake? She says that I took away a very crucial friendship from her life.
And She was Provoking my reaction in a negative way according to her.

One of the statement from VAR that stunned me was this: "I like how you take care of littlest detail to show that you care about me and thats why my love gets bigger and bigger each day."

I am not looking for divorce and want her to realize the error in her judgement; I am doing a 180 method to show that I can stand on my toes.

I do not wish to divorce and want to recouncile; So, please telll me what can I do at this moment.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So, your wife has expressed she loves another, you are asking us how you can control this... you can't.

What you can do is prepare to leave the things that are hurting you, and you are doing that with the 180.

You will be looking over your shoulder for years... is this what you want?

Very few are successful... those here that are will be sharing their thoughts for sure but they went almost scorched earth to do so.

Be prepared to lose your marriage to save it, anything less will be less.

@No Longer Lonely Husband, your thoughts and guidance are requested please.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yes honestly, you cannot contorl another person. She is lying by the way. And the fact that you think it is just an emotional affair is kind of silly. If they are in physiacl proximity, then they are having sex, almost every single time... 

You need to wake up to what is actually going on. Do you want to be with someone that you have to watch for the rest of your life? 

Think about that....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The only crucial friendship your W should have is with you. What is so crucial about this friendship that it has cause discontent in the marriage?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Its obvious that her "idea" of marriage is sorely different from yours....You may need to take a self examination and really "see" what you want in a marriage...I'm betting it isn't this. And people deserve to be the best image of themselves. Until she can ultimately say she wants to be IN your image...You may need to look elsewhere.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You should not make any decision yet as to whether you should divorce or reconcile. By offering reconciliation this early, you empower *HER*. The last thing you want to do is empower someone who betrayed you.

I understand you may still love her, but that is not going to keep you together if she is not in love with you.

You cannot make her want to reconcile with nice words, begging, reasoning, etc. It makes you appear weak.

You may believe that this is just an emotional affair (EA) but it is just as likely that it has been a physical affair (PA).

*Your desire to reconcile cannot be one sided.* There are no magic words or actions that will make her want to love you. You need to see where she is realistically.

Things to do:

*1.) Confer with a lawyer. * Find out what you should be doing in dealing with her legally.

*2.) Start consolidating yourself financially.* Credit Cards, Savings, Insurance, Will, Checking accounts. Get the lawyer to give you advice on this.

*3.) Expose to all including the piece-of-****-other-man's (POSOM's) wife .

4.) Ask for a timeline of the affair to be checked with a polygraph examination.

5.) Do NOT do the pick-me-dance.* Do the "180" technique. Here is a link: The 180 for Hurt Spouses - Healing Infidelityhealinginfidelity.blogspot.com › 2014/03 › the-180-for-hurt-spouses

*6.) Demand all passwords, electronics, texts, emails etc.

7.)* *Understand this: you should be trying to remove yourself from infidelity.* Whether this is through reconciliation or divorce, you must do this.

*8.) You must be willing to lose the marriage to save it, & she must believe it! *


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Papiga, listen to Emerging Buddhist and Skerziod. Their advice is spot on the mark. Giving her the fact that you are willing to reconcile at this point is a display of weakness on your part. You need at this point to give her an ultimatum. It is real simple, “Wife, the current situation with you and POSOM is UNNACCEPTABLE. I will give you 60 seconds to decide if you wish to be married to me”. That simple. Them implement the 180. I would also consider asking her to leave the house. Show her you mean business.

You can warn all you want. You have to blow this **** out of the water. Surprise them, forego giving a warning. Quit being her doormat. As I have told others women respect strength not the namby pamby pick me pick me ****. Trust me, once you give her an ultimatum, do not vacillate. Stay the course and keep your foot on the accelerator. 

Right now from what you post, she is not a candidate for reconciliation. She is rubbing your nose in it right now. She is in the land of unicorns and rainbows. Turn her world into a thunderstorm from hell. 

I have been in your shoes, I went ballistic...now over 4 years into R. Trust me. If you man up you will achieve your objective.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@*Papiga *You can't make your wife stop loving him.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Papiga said:


> Hello there Guys;
> 
> So, I need your input on possible available action for me...
> 
> ...



"I am not looking for divorce"

That does not matter. That has to be an available option if she doesn't go 100% NC and stop all contact with this man. 
I am not saying it has reached the point of divorce but I am saying you have to treat this seriously and if things do not immediately halt divorce has to be an available recourse. 

Blames a friend?
Who cares? Do not even get wrapped up in stupid semantics like that. Either she is having an affair or she is not. If she is than who outed them or tipped you off is irrelevant. Do not even go there. Don't even talk to her about it. Let her know plainly you couldn't care less who outed her, she did the deed, she is your wife and this is 100% out of bounds. She will stop all contact with him forever....and if not....there is no more marriage.

Then of this traveling with friends...going out for drinks with girlfriends....staying late and disappearing for hours only to tell you later where she was and how innocent it is. 
She has got to be an open book and any signs of shadiness then you've got to be willing to act. 

The only way for her feelings for this other guy to go away is to starve them. No contact, no seeing each other, no lunches together, no phone calls, no emails, no texting. 100% no contact. 
You can fill the void by dating her again. Dress up, put on your best, be a gentlemen, take her on surprise dates, do new things together....act like you did when you were courting her. 
This is serious stuff dude. In some cases a spouse has to even be willing to quit a job to save a marriage. If she works with him that may be some to talk about. 

That Shamwow poster from years back lost his wife to affairs when she started traveling for work. 
If he had put his foot down and made his stand at that time...quit this job or I do not know about us...maybe his tail of woe would never have occurred. He always talked like their marriage was good until she started traveling out of town all the time for work.

Be strong. Demand no contact, if she strays again at any time, sees him, calls him....etc. you have to be willing to walk away from the marriage.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Hello there guys;

My wife just had this message for me

Understand only 1 thing that I love him as my bestest friend and best advisor for other things (not talking abt our relation ). 
U r my hubby n u matter to me.. we have doff relation than I do with him
But that's gone too now

Everybody needs someone in their like as friend other than husband that they can share some other things.. everybody do have someone n someone in their life as best friend in diff forms. If u want to have me as ur best friend. Then that's fine .. But everybody is different.

At that time u were so stubborn n get triggered essily for everything so I I found him as my best friend. Nothing is wrong with that.. yes I crossed my level at some point in anger for how other people misguiding u


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

She will only take you seriously if she believes that you are willing to divorce rather than tolerate her having any more contact with the OM. Anything less is viewed by her as weakness - and she will continue contact. Therefore, do not let her know that you're desperate to reconcile at any cost.

Inform your wife that she needs to find a woman to be her best friend or confident or life coach. 

Time she spends communicating with the OM is YOUR time - time she should spend on you.

And make no mistake: she has to make a choice between you (marriage) and the OM. There is no negotiation.
Choosing you means no contact with the OM. Not even in the same room or passing on the street. 

Finally, don't threaten to expose. Why? threats are viewed as weakness. She will only respect action. Nothing kills an affair or inappropriate relationship like exposure. Take control, take charge, do not seek her approval - expose without warning her!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You posted her words making this statement, "I like how you take care of littlest detail to show that you care about me and thats why my love gets bigger and bigger each day."

Does that really sound like best friend status?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Brother you are being played like a violin. Open your eyes sir. The truth is right before them. Wake the hell up.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Papiga said:


> Hello there guys;
> 
> My wife just had this message for me
> 
> ...


You do understand that what she wrote you is compete crap, don't you.

Get strong and stay strong, even if you have to divorce. She is having and affair and she expects you to allow it. 

Have some self respect, she ends this affair or you end the marriage....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

EVERYTHING about what she wrote is wrong. Yes, folks deserve best friends, but having a "best friend" of the opposite sex with her talking to HIM more than YOU? NO WAY. Her saying ""I like how you take care of littlest detail to show that you care about me and thats why my love gets bigger and bigger each day." This by ITSELF refutes everything she wrote to you. 


If she is so "this is innocent, he's just my friend" then she should have NO ISSUE with handing over her phone to you RIGHT NOW for you to look at their texts. I bet she won't. If she delays or tries to play with her phone, you KNOW she is trying to delete stuff (if she already hasn't).

THIS: "At that time u were so stubborn n get triggered essily for everything so I I found him as my best friend. Nothing is wrong with that.. yes I crossed my level at some point in anger for how other people misguiding u "

This is just plain blame-shifting (and yes there is PLENTY "wrong with that"). YOU were SO ANGRY that SHE had no choice but to fall into this guys arms/emotions/whatever. PURE BS. Don't fall for it.

Either HE goes, or you do, there really isn't any other way to handle this. She ALREADY is in an EA and very well might have been/is in a PA.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Papiga said:


> Hello there guys;
> 
> My wife just had this message for me
> 
> ...


Who cares about this "best friend" crap.
You are her husband. 
She ends that relationship or you two divorce. 
Non negotiable 
That's really all you can do if you still want a healthy marriage.
Otherwise the affair will continue.
That's really the bottom line. 
He has to go. 
Non negotiable.
Or divorce her and never look back.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I would have to ask her " what little things does he take care of that shows he cares for her and makes her love for him grow bigger and bigger every day." I have friends, and some are female, but I have never had the inclination to tell them I love them more and more every day. Ask her what would be her reaction to you having a " crucial female friend" that does things for you that makes your love for her grow bigger and bigger every day. Does your wife know this man is a womanizer? That most men in his place would say anything to build a rapport that would eventually lead to him separating her from her panties. That he probably has done the same thing to other women on other occasion (ask his wife if he has done this before). Would she feel safe for you doing the same thing to another woman? Tell her to put herself in your shoes and see what you see. You gave away all your power by blatantly saying you want to reconcile. You might as well told her you will do almost anything not to divorce. Maybe she is looking for an "open marriage". The worse heartache is "to love someone who loves someone else" You need to really fine out if she is in love with you or her crucial friend. Then go from there forward. I do wish you well.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Until now;
I was part of their meetings and we were doing vacation, barbecue and holiday events together with his family.

Six months ago i saw he was manipulating us into staying away from all our other friends and family.

Their family became focal part of our life; and than i said no i see too much involvement and we gotta pull back

At this time around two months ago they started alienating me; only she was meeting him and he started getting distant from me.


Now, its over with him...
I already told my wife that we are done with him; my wife says that i should give him chance to explakn hkmself.

Should i?
First they alienated his wife than me; i know this guy now very well so i will take my future steps accordingly.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

My wife says that its just a friendship; 
How do i make her undrstand my pain from this friendship?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

She will understand when your actions show you are not willing to dance this dance anymore... as a good man here says, "at some point you will be sick and tired of being sick and tired".

If this is costing you all your peace, it is too expensive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife is trying to convince herself that she was not doing anything wrong.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass

That will explain it very well. Not that you can make her understand it.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Papiga said:


> My wife says that its just a friendship;
> How do i make her undrstand my pain from this friendship?


This friendship is hurting you, hurting your marriage intimacy, you consider it inappropriate, you consider it semi-cheating, you are saying to stop it.
If not than you will need to separate and begin divorce procedures. 
Tell her in no uncertain terms there is no way you can stay with her with her having this type of relationship with another man. 
The marriage relationship and bond trumps selfish personal wants. If it is hurting the marriage it is WRONG.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tell your wife is her friendship worth the destruction of her marriage?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Papiga said:


> My wife says that its just a friendship;
> How do i make her undrstand my pain from this friendship?


Show her the damn door. That’s how. Be a man sir. You deserve better. You seem from your post to be passive. Do not be passive be proactive. you want to lose your wife? Keep doing what you are doing.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Papiga said:


> Until now;
> I was part of their meetings and we were doing vacation, barbecue and holiday events together with his family.
> 
> Six months ago i saw he was manipulating us into staying away from all our other friends and family.
> ...


You just really don't get it, do you? 

He is not doing anything. Your wife and her lover are doing this. 

He is scewing your wife, just respond and say you understand or you do not. 

Dude, you simply have to wake the hell up. 

YOUR WIFE IS SCREWING YOUR SO CALLED FRIEND. 

Time to pull your head out of the sand...


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Here is a review of the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You need to read this with her. Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends"


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

How much respect do you have for yourself, marriage, wife and children (if any)?
Now your wife has been having a EA that even she stated that she, ‘crossed a line’. She is wanting to eat cake and have you pay for that cake. Getting upset at you when you expressed to her your concerns. Time to make her accountable for her conscious decisions and action. She is her own person, you can’t make her stop loving him and return to the marriage. 
Speak with a lawyer now. Separate all finances, she pays 50% for everything, incurring nil marriage debt. Hard 180.
She may come back to the marriage, she may not. 
You have to make the call to finish this family rather than watching her get ready to go out on dates with him. As best friends of course. 
As stated you must be willing to loos to gain her back. Keep shining a light on the EA, like cockroaches they will scurry back to the dark. Or wake up and cease their activities. 
one day at a time
Buffer


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She is in what we call, "the fog", where being with him is like a drug. She can't think clearly when she's on drugs. Later on, she won't even believe she said the crap she is saying today. 

The ONLY way to get through this is with a show of strength. You cannot waver or be weak or half-ass about this. You have to say that the relationship is inappropriate and unacceptable to you. And that she has to make a choice - keep him as a friend and divorce. Or, drop his friendship immediately. And you tell her that if there is any semblance of a friendship going on, you will divorce her. Hard stop. And until/unless she ends the friendship, treat her like a stranger. Don't make eye contact, don't do nice things for her, but also don't be mean. Just be cold and businesslike.

See, right now she thinks she can have you as her safe husband and him as this fun side piece. End that now.

You know his wife, right? Tell her what you are doing too. And just how close these two have gotten.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Papiga said:


> i should give him chance to explakn hkmself.
> 
> Should i?
> .


Hell no he'll just try to fill you the the same crap your wife is. Don't be naive.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Papiga said:


> My wife says that its just a friendship;
> How do i make her undrstand my pain from this friendship?


Easy, it's over or we divorcing!


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Right now no Contact is in place;

Over last 8 minths i have learned so much about emotional intelligence and making connection with another.

Problem i have is that she is not able to make theough conversation with me; she keeps saying that i control her too much or i am not able to make a connection with her.

She is saying that the third guy is her confident who she shares and learns from; she says everyone have a person or a friend they share and they guide them. 

According to her; I can use her as confident and a best friend; but she needs him because of his great listening skills and he has lot of things he can guide her on.

She says that i get triggered a lot during our conversation and do not listen to her.

How do i make her see that i am as good as the other guy?

She says i use her friends for activity because i have no social skills to attract people; i joined her cousins and friends out of respect for her not my meediness; how do i make her see that?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Papiga said:


> Right now no Contact is in place;
> 
> Over last 8 minths i have learned so much about emotional intelligence and making connection with another.
> 
> ...


I see you as her ATM, and nothing more. But to your question you can not because if she loves you like her spouse, there would be a understanding no words could explain. 

Your spinning in the mud, and your up to the axles. She would want to love you, but it appears her rationalization, to continue this is only a compartmentalization. That mirrors her truest feelings of you which put you in last place. 

But your unwilling to acknowledge this because, of this is why she is seeking outside of your marriage. To a alpha male. Your continued, inability to take firm and reasonable stance is your own doing. You must change or accept your newest position Dead Last. Either man up in a new way. Or accept being her ATM and beta provider. Sorry so straight forward but facts are in your face.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Up to now;
I allowed all this guys to come into our life;
I gave them opportunity to spend time and activity with us.

marriage is at most danger from the closest people we know; Because we do not doubt friendship there is very good chance to cross boundary if two friends like each other.

This guy is out of our life and that is my firm decision; but she keeps gaslighting me by saying that she lost all her respect for me when i involeved other people in our matter.

How can i make her understand that she did slmething wrong. She is holding her firm position that because i have poor listenning skills she need to seek out other people.

She says she can not make friendship with female or girls because they bicker too much about life, and guys are her only options.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Papiga said:


> Right now no Contact is in place;
> 
> Over last 8 minths i have learned so much about emotional intelligence and making connection with another.
> 
> ...


Sir, If my spouse said such things comparing me to another man that way, her bags would be on his doorstep forthwith. Where is your self-confidence, your self-respect? Action works, not talk. Do not play the pick me dance, it doesn't work on someone already this gone

Read this... No More Mr. Nice Guy

Listen well... Things will only change if you do!

Best


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"She says she can not make friendship with female or girls because they bicker too much about life, and guys are her only options. "
AGAIN this is entirely BS. She COULD make friends with women. SHE wants men because she wants that attraction and that male attention. This has NOTHING to do with what she is saying. SHE FLAT OUT had an emotional affair -- does she deny that? SHE CONTINUES to want emotional affairs with MEN -- she is tell this to you with this statement.

Things should be shared WITH YOU not other men. IF she won't admit that or agree to it, then tell her to have a nice life because that is what a marriage is.

" She is holding her firm position that because i have poor listening skills she need to seek out other people. "
Did she come to you to discuss this before -- and try to work it out? This again is a deflection and trying to defend what SHE KNOWS is an EA and is wrong.
DO NOT put up with this. If she can't take the fact that she is wrong, won't acknowledge that, and blames YOU for this -- what does that tell you about her love for you and her respect for marriage?


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

She says that its her right to have emotional connection with anybody i can not control that .

This is my last message to her..

Because if u do not wish to have respect than i will have to talk with your mom, and i will ask about all this complaint u have about me, and i will ask her what i can do to make her respect me.... I think u respect your mom so this will give good idea on how we can respect each other..

Her:
U have too much time in hand to think ******** stuff but
I dont care about anybody; If u have to go in that direction, then for sure it's a suicide for me.. no way to get me back for sure
At least for now u have a way to get me back R u trying to scare me man ?That's what u wanna do?

Her: Then tell me I'll leave this house with baby with no notice

me: Well this was something i never did; i never asked your mom for advice.. U say i have a right to ask for advice and i have never done this; i am shameful that i never elders for advice so i can dothat now.. This is your mom after all; and she can tell me exactly what i can do to get your loyalty, trust and respect;

Her: Its not gonna help us for our connection if u keep pushing me like this
This is a mental torcher


Me: Well it will because i will know where i am going wrong and why u need the other guy so much. I will find the secret to your parents marriage and why they are so successful . Everybody marriage life has so many problems they don't show,, they have many probs which I know but they dont share
We r mature enough to deal with them by ourself
No we are not matured enough to their understanding and i want to get first hand take on this situation. I have never talked with them; they will finally have opportunity to talk and share important wisdom with me.

Her: Do what you feel right to do,,, then be ready for the circumstances


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Papiga said:


> She says that its her right to have emotional connection with anybody i can not control that .
> 
> This is my last message to her..
> 
> ...


Dude, what are you 12? You are going to talk to her mom or she is going to talk to your mom? 

What in the **** are you doing?

Why are you putting yourself through this? 

I guess you really don't get it. Good luck to you...


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Her mom visited canada from india last year for our baby shower event; her mom warned her to stay away from third party guy as she saw her daughter talking to this guy a lot.

My wife made me say at that time that he is close family friend and i am ok with their long phone calls..

My wife is afraid now if i call her mom and confirm her suspicions; i just recently disclosed this to the affair padtner wife and i need to take this extra step for her to recognize her error.

She got cocky with her actions because i always protected her and saved her from the society because she has kept this relation under wraps.
She used to talk to him secretly from my bed room, so she was able to deceive lot of people with her actions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Dude, what are you 12? You are going to talk to her mom or she is going to talk to your mom?
> 
> What in the **** are you doing?
> 
> ...


I think there are cultural issues here. They aren't your way, nor my way, but they are the way for some people.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to see a LAWYER ASAP! She is indicating she will leave and take your child with her? Umm NO WAY does it play out like that. You need to get this figured out with a lawyer RIGHT NOW to keep this from happening, ESP. if she can take the child to a different country. Fine, tell her mother, expose this to the OM wife, etc. but YOU NEED to stand up and be clear with her. Yes YOU cannot force her to pick a different friend but then SHE has to, as she put it, be ready for the circumstances. DO NOT BLUFF on this. If you say it, you better mean it. She is trying to bully you into backing down and let her have this affair.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

The third party guy is done with me..

But he works 2 km from her work place and they could start this emotional connection thing again as she became pretty desperate last time and broke NC rule by going outside his house to call him which was recorded on the VAR i put in our car.

The third guy is narssistic and she was home for 1 year with baby maternity leave; my sister in law was home too; but she was alble to make snapchat calls from my bedroom.

I have to get him out of our life and tjis is urgent matter now; i am no longer afraid of her scare tactics as i know whats at stake..


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Have you told HIS WIFE? IF not, why not? Do NOT tell YOUR wife that you are going to do that.

Also, YOUR WIFE is going along with this, so the blame is NOT all his either, and YOU need to see this. SHE needs to stop also -- he isn't forcing her to talk to him, she is a willing participant.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Papiga said:


> She says that its her right to have emotional connection with anybody i can not control that .
> 
> This is my last message to her..
> 
> ...


If I am reading this right, she is taking the stance of "I"m free to do whatever I want regardless of whether you like it or not", well, that is true. She is a free adult but she is also married and each of you are responsible to put your marriage first and not make decisions that hurt the marriage to seek selfish goals. 
It sounds as though she is telling you she is going to see him regardless of whether you claim it hurts you and the marriage or not. If I am reading that correctly, she plans to keep seeing and talking to this guy (but you keep saying no contact is in affect?)
If she won't honor you over the marriage and keeps in close contact with this man you have no choice but to withdraw from her and begin divorce proceedings.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

Last week i exposed them against his mom and wife....
They were playing with me until than saying u have no proof; and u can not make wrong accusation without proof.

I had a gps that was placing her at his work place, but they said this is no proof and may be she was just driving by.

So i put VAR in my car and voila i get my proof, they were making long term plans about how to manage their meetings so i do not question her late work schedule, they were even picking a parking location that i would never doubt..

I put this thing in front of his mom, wife and made him make a promise to stop stealing my wife; i hope his mkm and wife brings some sense in to him..


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You are sadly mistaken. 

1. The Third man is not the problem. He owes you nothing. Why should he?

2. Your wife is the problem. As long as she knows you will not divorce, she has no reason to respect your wishes. 

3. You have to be willing to walk away from her. Otherwise by saying you do not want to divorce, she has the power in your marriage. 

4. Have her served (yes, with divorce papers). Nothing like divorce papers to get an adulterous spouse's attention. Otherwise this is just a big game to her.

5. It's good that you exposed, however, you are not taking strong enough action.


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

The biggest thing is to make her realize the error in her judgement.

She is turnning against everyone, so i am throwing all that i got.

I can not stop him so i do not even contact him anymore since two months...

Its just the limerence and fog thing and i am having hard time making her see the truth in her action.

She is ttiggering negative reaction purposly because i turned against her according to her


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Papiga, what you are not getting is that it is HER that is doing this. SHE does NOT WANT to give him up. You can tell whoever you want, but there are MANY instances on this board that show wayward spouses throwing away EVERYONE (mother, father, siblings, their own CHILDREN) to be with their AP. You say you need to show her an error in her judgement. Look, she is ACTIVELY making plans to hide things and deceive you -- do you REALLY THINK that she doesn't know what she is doing is WRONG? 
You say "I can not stop him" BUT YOU CAN'T STOP HER either.
You can lead the horse to water, but you cannot make her drink.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

At some point you have to face the fact you can not carry this entire marriage


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Papiga said:


> Everybody needs someone in their like as friend other than husband that they can share some other things.


Yes. A woman. (I.e. person of the gender they are not attracted to).


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## Papiga (Mar 30, 2020)

In our 10 year of marriage this is the first time i have realized something;
It all started with atomic habits book but i realized from there that she was addicted to him, and i had to make extreme measures to make her long term habits stop.

I know this is hard but i still have to give her opportunity to learn to give up her addiction.

U think its easy for smoker to give up smoking?...

Lets see how things unravel in few weeks and if she changes her ways...

This is the first time i have turned against her, and she is not liking it...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

At this point, I would have no respect for you either. Just let her go be with this guy. Move on and be with someone else. And before you do that, read up on how to command respect. Because right now you are only doing the opposite.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Papiga said:


> In our 10 year of marriage this is the first time i have realized something;
> It all started with atomic habits book but i realized from there that she was addicted to him, and i had to make extreme measures to make her long term habits stop.
> 
> I know this is hard but i still have to give her opportunity to learn to give up her addiction.
> ...


Out of curiosity, what is it you think they have done together? How far do you think this has really gone? She is just bonded to him and likes to talk to him?
Do they go out together alone? Do you think they have held hands, kissed? Do you think she has had sex with him?

If this has become physical, are you still wanting to take her back.....if she finally kicks the smoking habit..learns from her mistake?

Dude, that would be nuclear for me. You couldn't pay me to take back anyone who has been physical with another man. 
Where is your dealbreaker line?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> Out of curiosity, what is it you think they have done together? How far do you think this has really gone? She is just bonded to him and likes to talk to him?
> Do they go out together alone? Do you think they have held hands, kissed? Do you think she has had sex with him?
> 
> If this has become physical, are you still wanting to take her back.....if she finally kicks the smoking habit..learns from her mistake?
> ...


 It appears he does not have a dealbreaker line. It also appears he is not capable of grasping the concept that he can't make her do or understand anything. All he can do is tell her what he won't tolerate in their marriage. He seems to be able to tolerate far too much.
@Papiga 
She has made her choice and your weakness to stand up to her and take a hardline has just reinforced her choice in her mind. What you seem to think is strong is only one small step above begging and groveling. You need to divorce her and move on because no matter how much you love her, she doesn't love you. It doesn't even seem like she likes you if she did she wouldn't be lying, gaslighting and blameshifting you. Have some self-respect and leave this cheating liar to her own devices.


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