# Is love ever worth it?



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

What is love, really? Is it anything more than impending doom just waiting to explode and scatter the broken pieces of our lives all over creation? Is it ever truly possible to find all the pieces again and put yourself back together? Even if you do, you're still left with the cracks and not all the pieces fit like they should either. Can those uneven pieces ever be fused back together to prevent any leaks?
Why do we allow ourselves to fall in love? Why do we take that chance at misery and why do we so willingly allow the chance at being hurt to enter our lives? Why do we let our guard down for that one special someone and give them all of ourselves when the potential for them to betray us and destroy us is ever present? Is it worth it in the end? Is it worth the pain and the endless nights of crying? Can we learn from it, or do we just become hardened and bitter only to close ourselves up and not allow love to enter into our lives again?
Is love ever worth it when you were not worth it to be loved?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> What is love, really? Is it anything more than impending doom just waiting to explode and scatter the broken pieces of our lives all over creation? Is it ever truly possible to find all the pieces again and put yourself back together? Even if you do, you're still left with the cracks and not all the pieces fit like they should either. Can those uneven pieces ever be fused back together to prevent any leaks?
> Why do we allow ourselves to fall in love? Why do we take that chance at misery and why do we so willingly allow the chance at being hurt to enter our lives? Why do we let our guard down for that one special someone and give them all of ourselves when the potential for them to betray us and destroy us is ever present? Is it worth it in the end? Is it worth the pain and the endless nights of crying? Can we learn from it, or do we just become hardened and bitter only to close ourselves up and not allow love to enter into our lives again?
> Is love ever worth it when you were not worth it to be loved?



Even though my situation of impending D after 23 years of marriage could totally sour my perspective on love, I answer with a resounding YES, it is worth it. Seeing the love between my son and soon to be daughter in law reaffirms that belief.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I too have to give a resounding YES, even though I'm only 5 weeks from D-day myself.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Apple, 
I don't know what the definition of love is but I know you will find it. I have followed your story for a while now and you are a rare gem. Like with all rare gems, they are valued, prized and worth an awful lot. A rare gem is sought after by the world over. When you realize just how rare you are, you will find love.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

That is just so, so right on all levels.
Well said Bright


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Apple,
> I don't know what the definition of love is but I know you will find it. I have followed your story for a while now and you are a rare gem. Like with all rare gems, they are valued, prized and worth an awful lot. A rare gem is sought after by the world over. When you realize just how rare you are, you will find love.


This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. Someday I hope I can get to where I can believe that about myself.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

I think all these thoughts mean is that you're just not ready for love yet. I almost said you're not ready for love again, but knowing what a wacko your husband is, I wonder if you ever had it with him at all. REAL love, I mean.

You know how they say you attract what you project? When you are ready for it, it will find you. And until then, bide your time by working on being the best you that you can possibly be!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Good question. I used to believe in LOVE at one point, and still do in some ways... but "unconditional" love... only for future children I might have. I don't think I will give myself "completely to another person ever again... too much emotional investment to see it destroyed by selfish behavior. To each his own though.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Good question. I used to believe in LOVE at one point, and still do in some ways... but "unconditional" love... only for future children I might have. I don't think I will give myself "completely to another person ever again... too much emotional investment to see it destroyed by selfish behavior. To each his own though.


I've never been cheated on but I always have a cautious shell around me. Only my children could completely destroy me. It gives me a certain coldness and I don't really like that about myself. I love my husband but if he moved on tomorrow, I'd be sad for a bit and pick myself up and carry on. 
AppleDumpling - you deserve so much more than you've been dealt. Heal yourself, be good to yourself and when ready - move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Edited to add APPLE DUCKLING not DUMPLING - I'm sorry and confused!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I've never been cheated on but I always have a cautious shell around me. Only my children could completely destroy me. It gives me a certain coldness and I don't really like that about myself. I love my husband but if he moved on tomorrow, I'd be sad for a bit and pick myself up and carry on.
> AppleDumpling - you deserve so much more than you've been dealt. Heal yourself, be good to yourself and when ready - move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Edited to add APPLE DUCKLING not DUMPLING - I'm sorry and confused!


LOL, it's ok  I would get many users calling me dumplings instead of duckings  Then one day I told the story behind my user name. My daughter, who will turn 7 here in just 2 more weeks, was about 3 years old at the time when she and I were making a dessert of apple dumplings but she called it apple ducklings  And that's a memory that has always stuck with me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> I think all these thoughts mean is that you're just not ready for love yet. I almost said you're not ready for love again, but knowing what a wacko your husband is, I wonder if you ever had it with him at all. REAL love, I mean.
> 
> You know how they say you attract what you project? When you are ready for it, it will find you. And until then, bide your time by working on being the best you that you can possibly be!


I think you are right about that, AF. I dont think I ever had real love from my husband. I never had it from my mother either but I was very blessed to have the best dad ever. I think he's the only person who ever saw any worth in me. With my exH, I thought if I loved him enough, then he would love me in return. I probably looked pretty pathetic to him. After 14 years of marriage and 15 years together, I finally got strong enough to leave him. I finally realized I cant make him love me and I cant make him be faithful to me. I dont think my exH ever truly loved me and that's very hard to have to swallow because that's 15 years of my life wasted. I cant get those years back. It's funny how when I have to have communication with him because of the kids, he's the one who is angry with me. He speaks with a raised tone to me. (Not yelling but a raised voice) And you can hear the bitterness in his voice. I'm not the one who cheated, so why are you angry with me? It makes me not regret my choice to move on. He's not sorry or remorseful. I do hope I have learned enough from my relationship with him NOT to the do same in my next relationship. And I am now talking with someone.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

seek to fall in love again? right now I would say, f*ck that. pass.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> seek to fall in love again? right now I would say, f*ck that. pass.


you said "seek to fall in love again " but what if it just happened? Without you seeking it out? Or that for any of us? What if we dont seek love out but rather just wait for it to come to us? Does it make a difference then? With my exH, looking back on things, I knew he was bad from the beginning but I (at the time) was so desperate for somebody to give me attention, that I tolerated things and mostly looked the other way. I wish I would have been smarter back then.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Been having the same thoughts. I haven't followed your story but I will now. I don't think it's for me any more I thought I had that wil my husband. We have been together since I was 16yrs old. Now I think that it's not for me. 
However I do feel it's possiable for others, not only that I long to see it. That happiness that two ppl share. It's a wonderful thing to see and feel. Oh how I wish i could feel that feeling once again but as I said I don't belive it's for me. It has been a long road to get to the point that I felt I had find the right one for me to marry only to find that my pain was not worth it. I can love. I will love. The bible says to love. But to fall in love, to give myself permission to give everything in me scares me to the depths of my soul and I don't wanna take that risk. Even if my H and I work things out for the long hall I know myself well enough to know that I'm torn and to frighten to give my heart so freely again.

You will have that love you desire because you deserve it and I need you to. I need to see someone else with that happiness. It will bring joy to my heart, GOOOD LUCK!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> you said "seek to fall in love again " but what if it just happened? Without you seeking it out?.


It doesn't and wont "just happen". Love requires that choices are made, those choices are mine. I believe it would be require me to seek the strength to let down some pretty solid walls. 

Right now, I'm not prepared to do that. Besides, I dont think that would be fair. If I let that happen right now, I would be doing it because I am lonely and there is a big hole in there somewhere. I think I need to fix that hole myself.

I think that to be good for yourself and someone else, I need to be a whole person, right now i'm a hole person.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I think of love as the only really evidence of god. If you equate love with behaviour, you are going to lose every time because our lovers will disappoint us inevitably with something selfish or hurtful. And if you equate love with security, then our lovers disappoint us inevitably because life is a moving target and things always change.

I think of love is pure faith. And without faith, you end up seeing the world as a psychopath sees it - filled with people to use for your own selfish gains. There is no art or magic or wonder. It's just people using each other.

So, for me, love has to be worth it, or this is just a version of hell.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Its not love... its marriage. Personally I dont think being in love is the end all be all of life. And I dont plan on living that life where I give everything to the person I love and my whole life depends on them never being anything I dont want them to be. If I fall in love then great... ill be in love. I am not going to tie us and everything we have (marriage) together in a big ball where if one person even steps 1 foot out of the big ball it all comes crashing down and i essentially have to start my life over. Its not love that is bad it is what we do with it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Been having the same thoughts. I haven't followed your story but I will now. I don't think it's for me any more I thought I had that wil my husband. We have been together since I was 16yrs old. Now I think that it's not for me.
> However I do feel it's possiable for others, not only that I long to see it. That happiness that two ppl share. It's a wonderful thing to see and feel. Oh how I wish i could feel that feeling once again but as I said I don't belive it's for me. It has been a long road to get to the point that I felt I had find the right one for me to marry only to find that my pain was not worth it. I can love. I will love. The bible says to love. But to fall in love, to give myself permission to give everything in me scares me to the depths of my soul and I don't wanna take that risk. Even if my H and I work things out for the long hall I know myself well enough to know that I'm torn and to frighten to give my heart so freely again.
> 
> You will have that love you desire because you deserve it and I need you to. I need to see someone else with that happiness. It will bring joy to my heart, GOOOD LUCK!


Thanks. I have started seeing someone but it's going very slow right now. Sometimes I get very anxious about that. I was speaking with my bestie on the phone earlier about my new friend (who happens to be an old boyfriend of mine from my past who I have been reunited with simply by chance) It's only been little over a month since I started talking with him again and we dont even have that much contact. I speak with him on the phone maybe 2xs a week and see him maybe once a week to once every week n half. It's now been nine days since I last saw him and I dont know when I will again. I do have some hope this could go somewhere but I am okay with going slow too.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I think you are right about that, AF. I dont think I ever had real love from my husband. I never had it from my mother either but I was very blessed to have the best dad ever. I think he's the only person who ever saw any worth in me. With my exH, I thought if I loved him enough, then he would love me in return. I probably looked pretty pathetic to him. After 14 years of marriage and 15 years together, I finally got strong enough to leave him. I finally realized I cant make him love me and I cant make him be faithful to me. I dont think my exH ever truly loved me and that's very hard to have to swallow because that's 15 years of my life wasted. I cant get those years back. It's funny how when I have to have communication with him because of the kids, he's the one who is angry with me. He speaks with a raised tone to me. (Not yelling but a raised voice) And you can hear the bitterness in his voice. I'm not the one who cheated, so why are you angry with me? It makes me not regret my choice to move on. He's not sorry or remorseful. I do hope I have learned enough from my relationship with him NOT to the do same in my next relationship. And I am now talking with someone.



Sounds like he is angry you moved on and as well you should have. He sounds like my soon to b ex brother in law. My sister was heart broken but then realized she made the right choice for her.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Thanks. I have started seeing someone but it's going very slow right now. Sometimes I get very anxious about that. I was speaking with my bestie on the phone earlier about my new friend (who happens to be an old boyfriend of mine from my past who I have been reunited with simply by chance) It's only been little over a month since I started talking with him again and we dont even have that much contact. I speak with him on the phone maybe 2xs a week and see him maybe once a week to once every week n half. It's now been nine days since I last saw him and I dont know when I will again. I do have some hope this could go somewhere but I am okay with going slow too.


Your doing the right thing by moving slow. Take your time to find out who you are at this point in your life. You have spent 15yrs with someone now it's time to learn who you are and what you want and don't want in a relationship.
Find you. Work on you and the rest will come.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ I agree with SF. 

Love... is definiterly worth it. It's so easy to become jaded about but think...some people never ever fall in love or get married or have a boyf/girlf. Even if it's brief and doesn't alst til you die, it's a pretty awesome experience to have. 

_Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all._

Keats had it right. 

(I hope that was Keats I just quoted).


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans;353509
[I said:


> Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.[/I]


Lord Tennyson Alfred, but that's immaterial 

As a person cheated on by 2 different wives, I'd disagree with the quote and regarding the OP question, I'd say "Yes, but not for everyone". 

I wish I'd never had either experience, would rather have been single. If this current attempt at R doesn't work out, I will remain single for the rest of my days on this earth. 

Good point on the marriage vs. love statements though. I'll take neither, tyvm.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Lord Tennyson Alfred, but that's immaterial


Oh fudge :rofl:


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I agree with 2x

If R doens't work out I'm flying solo. I'm not going to look for love again, if for some reason love finds me, thats great! But I don't think I will ever be me again and I don't think thats really fair to said future person.

I will never get married again either, it seemed to complicate things. I liked things the way they were before we were married, we seemed to care for one another a lot more.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I'm not going to look for love again, if for some reason love finds me, thats great.


I would take it a step further (after this 2nd time) and say I'm closed off to making myself available to love or to be really loved again. The pain just ain't worth the potential benefit anymore, and that pain will override any 'dopamine' feelings that the initial love feelings blast into one's brain. I'm just closed off to the possibility again. Loving someone requires trusting someone. No way. I'll actually ensure love *can't* and *doesn't* find me... I'll be hiding!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I would take it a step further (after this 2nd time) and say I'm closed off to making myself available to love or to be really loved again. The pain just ain't worth the potential benefit anymore, and that pain will override any 'dopamine' feelings that the initial love feelings blast into one's brain. I'm just closed off to the possibility again. Loving someone requires trusting someone. No way. I'll actually ensure love *can't* and *doesn't* find me... I'll be hiding!


I would like to find love again. Although I do still have days where I hate men (no offense men of TAM as I'm sure you may have days where you hate women) I still someday want to find love again but most of all, finally find someone who will love me truly. I am exploring a new relationship with an old boyfriend from my past. Things are going slow but well. Sometimes I do get over anxious about this new relationship and I have to pull myself back together. I do want to be with him but I want it to happen naturally with nothing forced. I want to learn from my failed marriage what not to do in my next relationship.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

in my current state most days i would be inclined to say no, just getting more and more jaded as the days go by. i know not all men are the way my H is behaving right now, but i dont see myself wanting to open my heart again, mine is beginning to really close even to my H. i can feel that everyday. 

i love him, but i am beginning to wonder if there is someone out there who could ever make me feel the way he did. he was the first in a long line of guys, i know he was the one god wanted me to be with, i am just having a very jaded day, can you tell? lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Para!!! ::waves::

Your husband may have made you feel good at one time but recently all you feel is hurt by him. FOcus on that. Right now you are heartbroken so no doubt you feel jaded re: love. Thing is, we have the capacity to love over and over again. It's pretty neat, actually.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I worry that if someone "genuine" and trustworthy were to come into my life, that I would in turn make theirs a living hell by being controlling, jealous, lacking self-esteem, and all those things my ex blamed me for while in the throes of her affair. (she still is, btw, it kills me to look over at her sittin on the couch staring into her Iphone, and suddenly smiling that old smile I used to see for me)

I dont believe I will be ready for anything for a long while. When you put a LOT of importance on something like marriage, and it turns out this way, its hard to find the gumption to even get up some mornings, much less think about a relationship with someone.

But, I do have a friend, whose gone through all of this in his past, and he found someone that, to me, appears to be a very good match for him on many, many levels. For now, thinking in the future, I hope there is someone like that for me.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

They say there are plenty of fish in the sea. I guess we have to throw a few back before we finally get that keeper.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

mine could be a keeper someday, he is good for no one right now, i know i sure as hell i am not, i would only hurt someone at this point, cant be sure if i will ever be able not to hurt another person, with what i have been and what has been done to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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