# reconciliation after long term affair



## allwillbewell

A year and half ago, discovered 6-year affair by husband of 33 years. While I knew we had serious problems and actually confronted him on numerous occasions as to whether he was having an affair, I blindly trusted his lies to the point of never investigating or pushing for the truth: in denial? Anyway... no seperation, but short term counseling after he expressed willingness to save marriage, extreme remorse and took responsibility for destroying what we had over 33 years, including my self worth and trust, etc. However, slightly younger, married OW still continues to contact every 2-3 months, mostly by email; husband responded non-committally but not negatively enough, first 6 months, with no physical meetings. In the year since he has ignored her emails completely viewing this as the best strategy. We have made fairly good progress in re-establishing relationship, feel our love and sexual life return, committed to building a new and better life together. However, it has been very difficult for me not to respond to triggers as many of their meetings were in our home and in out-buildings on our property. Lots of obsessional thinking on my part, especially concerning OW and reliving moments when husband directly lied to me. Still hyper-vigilant, checking emails and phone; not to check up on husband so much (I believe he has truly moved on and left the OW in the dust) but more to keep tabs on OW. She is like a shark circling waiting for our marriage to self destruct. I am working on trust and forgiveness, re-establishing self esteem. I understand how I was responsible for 50% of the dysfunction in marriage which led to affair and have owned to it but husband has not verbally owned up beyond saying he was at fault too. He prefers to compartmentalize big-time, saying he doesn't think of her, even remember details anymore. Unfortunately I read 5 years of his emails to her (VERY BAD DECISION) and so know more about their affair than he even remembers which really impedes my healing...can't stress enough to BS's not to read emails, etc! While I believe I have begun to accept (and maybe even forgive) why husband chose an affair as opposed to coming to me to express unhappiness and seek counciling, I can not understand how he could have chosen to deceive for 6 years, why he could not have been honest enough to ask for divorce. He obviously found in her enough positives to continue deception, yes, he may have truly loved her, and until caught, why not continue to enjoy home, children, reputation, security, etc? Same goes for her treatment of her husband, I guess. Husband is easily flooded, finds it very difficult to talk about affair and even relationship between us outside of affair issues. Feels if everything is going well, why rock the boat, rehash the past, etc. Withdraws and stonewalls...so I am seeing councilor on my own in order to learn to cope with our different emotional styles and end obsessional thinking. 
I am starting this new thread because I would like to hear from other couples who have survived a long term affair, especially who are as far along in reconciliation as we are(1 and 1/2 years since Dday) and especially any who might be our ages: 60+. But by all means, anybody who feels they might have some advice PLEASE comment. Will the hurt ever go away? Will the knowledge that the one I had built my life upon, who I trusted to have my back, prefered another woman for so long ever fade? Were those 6 years a complete loss due to the double life he led? How does that fact jive with the seemingly good times we had together and with our children during that time...how do I move on, let the past go and build a better marriage with him when everything, EVERYTHING, seems so tainted?


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## Confused42

I want to tell you something from my point of view. My husband cheated on me 14 years ago. I was 6 months pregnant with our son when he left. After I had our son I find out that he left me for OW. After two more months we reconciled. It was not easy. 

I had the same problem for years tormenting myself over his affair. I thought that he had changed also. He didnt contact the OW in fact he really hurt her in the whole process also.

I never could seem to get over the fact the he left me for someone else. IT was too much. Each time we had a serious arugment with er I would bring it up or him. He would also accuse me of never forgiving him he also carried a lot of guilt around and I (according to him ) never let him forget it. 

I dont remember mentioning it to him much after the first year of reconcilation. Now 14 years later he had another emoitional affair with someone else and we are back to square one. 

I not saying this will happen to you. But I will say that IF you are going to make it work with your husband you have to make a decision to stop torturing yourself. Its self destructive and its getting you nowhere. You are only hurting you.

Its not going to help your marriage only hurt the progress that you have made. Now if you cant let it go then you need to let him go so that you can have a loving relationship with someone else that you can fully trust. 


I just know this from experience that leopards really do not change their spots. They just get bigger.


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## allwillbewell

Thank you for your insight...I think my husband feels the same...I know you are right about letting it go but after 6 years of deceit it is so hard to trust. As Christmas approaches I find I am getting depressed as many triggers are associated with it..my biggest fear is what you experienced..he seems sincere and working hard to prove himself but how do you ever really know?


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## naga75

you never know.
that is the thing with reconcilliation.
you have to learn to trust them all over again, which is the hard part of it. and time consuming, it seems.


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## indiecat

Mine cheated for 3 years. He wants it all behind us too. I told him once.....if you were in business with a partner, and you found out that your partner had cheated you financially for 3 years, would you want to do business with such a person again? He said NO. 
Wow, big surprise.
A 6 year affair? It's a miracle you were even able to try. 


His job is to console you for as long as it takes. He is supposed to be the one you lean on, and confide in when you are blue about his dirty deeds. If you can't lean on him then you have to suck it all up inside you, which is very isolating and painful. Of course we can't mention it every day, but occassionally we should have the right to talk about it, THEY made it part of our life story. 

And lets be honest, once cheated on at anything, even in a game of cards we will not fully trust that person again. Why would we? 

Can you live with that little bit of mistrust? Are the perks of the marriage worth it? Is he affectionate, fun, attentive to you? 
Do the benefits outweigh the painful moments?


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## Omegaa

allwillbewell said:


> However, slightly younger, married OW still continues to contact every 2-3 months, mostly by email; husband responded non-committally but not negatively enough, first 6 months, with no physical meetings.
> 
> However, it has been very difficult for me not to respond to triggers as many of their meetings were in our home and in out-buildings on our property.
> 
> I understand how I was responsible for 50% of the dysfunction in marriage which led to affair and have owned to it but husband has not verbally owned up beyond saying he was at fault too.
> 
> While I believe I have begun to accept (and maybe even forgive) why husband chose an affair as opposed to coming to me to express unhappiness and seek counciling, I can not understand how he could have chosen to deceive for 6 years, why he could not have been honest enough to ask for divorce.
> 
> He obviously found in her enough positives to continue deception, yes, he may have truly loved her, and until caught, why not continue to enjoy home, children, reputation, security, etc?
> 
> Husband is easily flooded, finds it very difficult to talk about affair and even relationship between us outside of affair issues. Feels if everything is going well, why rock the boat, rehash the past, etc. Withdraws and stonewalls...
> 
> Will the hurt ever go away? Will the knowledge that the one I had built my life upon, who I trusted to have my back, prefered another woman for so long ever fade?
> 
> Were those 6 years a complete loss *due to the double life he led?* How does that fact jive with the seemingly good times we had together and with our children during that time...how do I move on, let the past go and build a better marriage with him when everything, EVERYTHING, seems so tainted?


Hi I'm so sorry to read what you had been through.

This sounds strikingly similar to what happened to me and how my WS had behaved after the discovery. We are already on R as you similarly describe yourself but we also have a few loose ends to deal with.

After all, I had to realize that men are different from us women.
I'm not in my Sixties but I personally do not feel any different. Today's 60s would probably be 50s and people seem to be leading far more productive life than let's say, 10 years ago?

I don't think your h was going to replace you by seeing this other woman who was someone else's Wife. I never met your H but it is rather obvious.. He was only there to have his cake and eat it! Could well be a sexual and physical thing. It's a different body and different sex. My WH had 3 years affair behind my back (yes, it's a double life) and that was with a Friend with Benefits. 
It was a sexual kick for him. 

Have you told his family e.g. brother, sister etc about what happened? I have. That did help my WS to be brought back to the reality. Have you told the husband of this wayward wife, who has been sleeping with your husband as to what they were up to behind their back? He has the right to know.

You mention that your h regularly invited OW into your marital home and marital bed over the past 6 years (I think this is very unusual and so daring...) and that is a horrendous act of disrespecting you.
Were they wearing a protection when they had sex? You could have been passed on herpes.

Have you spoke to his OW at all? I have. I found out about OW and this helped me find out about the nature of their "Relationship" and how attractive she was etc. Personally, in my opinion, she had large breasts (he had commented on), she was extremely naive to think my WS cared about her. He was only there to get laid.

If your h thinks that there will be no consequences for what he had done, he needs to think again. Yes, 6 years...absolutely unbelievable.


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## allwillbewell

I guess I need to clarify some misconceptions, etc. My WH admitted to using our bed and futon maybe 4-5 times in 6 years when I was gone, but did use an outbuilding on our property quite regularly while I was in the house sleeping. In any event,very disrespecting either way. All those pieces of furniture got sent to Goodwill as soon as I could get them out of the house! 
I agree with you that my husband was getting his cake and eating it too...in a sexual and emotional fog with OW, seeing me more and more negatively as the years went on, lying to us both, getting in deeper and deeper and just not considering the consequences...I read an email where he told her that their relationship was so important to them both or they wouldn't be risking their "other" relationships...that is something that really hurts even now, that they WERE willing to take the risk and lose family, home, reputations, friends, and so on for what they had. But I doubt they even thought about it much. This is an issue that we need to clarify between ourselves with the help of MC. 
As far as the OW, I sent her an email venting all my hurt, anger, betrayal, early on letting her know I had read all of his emails, so knew all about the affair, I knew her personally as she was once a friend. I never trusted her much, sensing something bad in her interest in our(more precisely my husbands) friendship. I believe they began an EA a number of months before PA. She emailed back, suggesting "a chat", which I chose not to respond to. She informed me that my husband had admitted to her that he had another affair 20 years prior, which he strongly denied. That remains an issue for me, too. She had consistantly contacted him every 2-3 months, sometimes responding, mostly ignoring, never clearly setting her straight that he was attempting to save our marriage, and had rediscovered his love to me, etc. Yes, he was ambivalent for the first 6 months after dday...I think he loved her to some extent and had a difficult time at first. HOWEVER, he has tried very hard to change his behavior towards me, more affection, more intimacy, we have been making great strides in our relationship. Her continued intrusions into our life are difficult: besides showing that she has not recommitted to HER husband, its keeping me hypervigilant and suspicious(not so much of my husband, but of her). Near the one year anniversary of dday, she sent my husband an email which I intercepted, detailing how he owes her for all the sex she gave him, all the nasty things he said about me, etc. Most of it was to guilt him and humiliate me as she knew I had access to his email. I think my husband finally sees how toxic she really was, which doesn't make me feel any better that he abandoned me for so long...was I that much of a b***h? I don't think so... 
In any event, as long as I don't bring up the past we are doing well, enjoying each others company, having fun, enjoying our friends, reconnecting emotionally and physically. He is working as hard as he is capable of to reassure me of his love. Still lots of problems to iron out and some very important issues to put to rest before I can really begin to move on but no one ever said it will be easy...


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## Omegaa

allwillbewell said:


> As far as the OW, I sent her an email venting all my hurt, anger, betrayal, early on letting her know I had read all of his emails, so knew all about the affair, I knew her personally as she was once a friend. I never trusted her much, sensing something bad in her interest in our(more precisely my husbands) friendship. I believe they began an EA a number of months before PA. She emailed back, suggesting "a chat", which I chose not to respond to. She informed me that my husband had admitted to her that he had another affair 20 years prior, which he strongly denied. That remains an issue for me, too. She had consistantly contacted him every 2-3 months, sometimes responding, mostly ignoring, never clearly setting her straight that he was attempting to save our marriage, and had rediscovered his love to me, etc.
> 
> * Her continued intrusions into our life are difficult:* besides showing that she has not recommitted to HER husband, its keeping me hypervigilant and suspicious(not so much of my husband, but of her). Near the one year anniversary of dday, she sent my husband an email which I intercepted, detailing how he owes her for all the sex she gave him, all the nasty things he said about me, etc. Most of it was to guilt him and humiliate me as she knew I had access to his email. I think my husband finally sees how toxic she really was, which doesn't make me feel any better that he abandoned me for so long...was I that much of a b***h? I don't think so...
> *In any event, as long as I don't bring up the past we are doing well, enjoying each others company, having fun, enjoying our friends, reconnecting emotionally and physically. *He is working as hard as he is capable of to reassure me of his love. *Still lots of problems to iron out* and some very important issues to put to rest before I can really begin to move on but no one ever said it will be easy...


Hi 

I'm not sure if number of times he and his OW had used the marital bed would make any difference..either 6-7 times or regularly. Either way, it is a shocking fact that it did happen even once.

A few things you had described came across as strikingly similar in my own experience. 

If you already know where this woman lives, it would be best to give all the details to her husband if OW does not stop contacting your WS? Her husband needs to know really...

Although we are also in R similarly, I often reflect whether I really would be better off moving on without him if I'm frank..You sound like you have a few other issues in your marriage apart from his long-term affair as we do. You say that your WS had been negative towards you whilst he was seeing OW behind your back. This also happened to me as well. I certainly don't trust him anymore.

Yes, I don't think R is easy. Hope things gets easier for you.


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## allwillbewell

Ironically, it was the OW's husband who let the cat out of the bag in a letter to H that I intercepted about a month after Dday; that the affair was 6 years long, not 1 year as my husband told me! At least she was being honest with him! Yes, we have a lot of marriage issues going on outside A...most obviously, honesty or the lack thereof...but tho my H must seem like the lying-est cheat there is, I believe he was either trying to not hurt me more, as if one year would make a difference compared to six! or he just couldn't face up to the devastating truth of his behavior and the emotions they engender. He still cannot talk about what he was thinking, what his motivations were, why he carried on for so long with a woman that he really had no difficulty giving up after Dday...
We actually had a calm discussion about this this very morning...he evades the hard questions but did come up with a great analogy for reconciliation: that like the oyster that lacquers the grain of sand with pearl, so too must we take the pain and dysfunction of the affair and cover it with the joys and love of a new life together into the future to produce a beautiful thing together...sounds lovely, right? Still leaves me to deal with the consequences on my own...he never understood how much faster I could have healed if only he had been willing to share the pain with me...but I am healing and am convinced that unless I let the pain go, we will never succeed...as "Indiecat" asked, Can I live with a little mistrust? Are the benefits outweighing the pain? Yes, they are and yes I can...


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## Mr Blunt

*I am in my 60s and am a BS.*



> Quot*e of AllWillBeWell*
> Will the hurt ever go away?


*YES but let me explain.*
Your R is only 1.5 years. You may think that is a long time but in betrayal it is not.
Here is how I got almost all the pain to be insignificant. I worked at it for years and became very self reliant. What I mean is that I did the following:

1	I went back to college at night and took courses that I was interested in.
2	I got closer to my other family members
3	I worked on my spiritual life
4	I started weaning myself off some emotional reliance on my wife
5	I made a plan to build me an office and a kitchen and bathroom for me. Completed in 2008.
6	I started accepting that the ideals I had about marriage were not going to be real for me.

*I realized that the only one that you can trust 100% is God.*

I am very lucky in that I have a very supportive family. My mother is the closest thing to unconditional love for me in this world. I have been very successful in my vocation and will be financially stable for retirement in a few more years. My children and grandchildren are very close to me.


I got good Christian counseling when all the pain was fresh. One of the best counseling I got was when the counselor said that if I was going to keep bringing up painful conversations to my wife that He was no longer going to council me. *In other words if you are going to forgive then forgive and quit playing like you are. 
I think that successful forgiveness involves spiritual involvement by God.*

After that counseling I have never brought up anything hurtful to my wife about the affair; it has now been over 20 years. In the beginning I knew that I was going to have to get my healing from myself and God and not get much from my emotional crippled wife. My wife did help a little but it was not until years afterwards that she was able to help me more.

I do not want to discourage you as you can get better every year but for me it took a lot more than 1 or 2 years to get a LOT better. The earliest I remember that I was substantially improved in my hurt and other areas was around 4 years after the beginning of R. You maybe able to do that in 2-3 years or you may have to go more than 4years. Everyone is different and I can only tell you about me.

*Bottom line:*

*Get as self reliant as you can.* When you are stronger then you will be much more immune to the deep hurts. You can still have a good relation with your spouse it is just that you cannot put lot of your emotional and spiritual health in the hands of a person that has proven that they will devastate your well being.


*When you get very self reliant and spiritually stronger you will be much more secure and immune from the deep pains of the affair.* My wife will never be able to hurt me the way that she did some 20 years ago.


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## Omegaa

allwillbewell said:


> Yes, we have a lot of marriage issues going on outside A...
> 
> He still cannot talk about what he was thinking, what his motivations were, why he carried on for so long with a woman that he really had no difficulty giving up after Dday...
> 
> Can I live with a little mistrust? Are the benefits outweighing the pain? Yes, they are and yes I can...


Hi allwillbewell

It's Good to hear that BS of OW is aware of EA/PA which went on over SIX years. He sounds like a very sensible man...

I presume, based on my own experience/observation from "ours" that WSs simply carry on until the ultimate discovery.
In your case, it had gone on over such a number of years, But it was eventually found out and A was stopped so that you still have the chance to recover intimacy and love between you.

I had awful months with my h leading up to DDay. It seemed that whilst he was seeing his OW, he was more and more critical, impatient and even angry at me. After DDday, he started to improve. He's now much sweeter and thoughtful.
I remember you saying that you felt you were "abandoned" by your WS whilst he was preoccupied with his OW. I experienced something very similar. 

It's Good to hear that your WS dropped OW straightaway. He clearly recognize that marriage is far more important than lusting over "sinful" OW. I feel that Wives do have ultimate power over this. So in my view, you're the winner over the loser & meddlesome OW who was up to no good at all.


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## allwillbewell

Thank you Mr. Blunt and all other repliers...I am new at posting and haven't really figured out how to include someone else's quote but want to comment on a few things Mr. Blunt said:

"One of the best counseling I got was when the counselor said that if I was going to keep bringing up painful conversations to my wife that He was no longer going to council me. In other words if you are going to forgive then forgive and quit playing like you are. 
I think that successful forgiveness involves spiritual involvement by God.

After that counseling I have never brought up anything hurtful to my wife about the affair; it has now been over 20 years."

I agree but what constitutes "painful" conversations? Many of the issues I need closure on are exactly those my WH finds too painful to discuss! I did not ask to have this A dropped into my life but here it is and now I must heal on my own? I am not talking about the stuff like where did you do it, what did you do, did you use our bed, was she better than I? and so on. But the bigger issues that really have to do with the disfunction of the marriage prior to A: why did you not come to me to voice your unhappiness?, why did you need to find an OW to complain and confide in? how did she fulfill you as I could not, why did A go on as long as 6 years, what did you expect to happen when it was discovered? Did 33 years of marriage, home, memories, child-rearing, what we built, what joys and sorrows we shared mean so little to you that you would risk it all to have this deceitful relationship? How do you think of your A and what place does OW hold in your heart now after 1.5 years since Dday? As you can see, there is still a load of hurt in my heart that deserves answers to for me to move on...as much as I would like to trust God will wipe away all my pain, I don't think it works that way: He expects us to work thru it on our own...and that brings up another problem I have; a loss of faith in God. While I was as unhappy as my husband in our broken marriage and could have had an affair(came quite close), I chose not to because I took my vows seriously whereas my H did not. I felt marriage was sacred and could not, as much as I would have liked to, break my vow to H and God. So I resigned myself to suffering in a loveless marriage waiting for my H to finally say I am out of here...of course, he never did, never had to because of my trust in his lies enabled him to have his cake and eat it too. So where did all my following the rules get me in the end? I guess what I really want, Mr. Blunt, is for my husband to just once look inside himself, recognize his failings and own up to them to me, which he has never really done yet. Oh yes, he is remorseful, ashamed, dishonored by his behavior but because I agreed to keep his dirty little secret from friends and family has never had to pay the consequences except for the destruction he knows he caused me and having to give up his EA and AP. So he has compartmentalized, buried it all and is unwilling to allow me to put the pieces of my life and heart back together by helping me to understand the WHY of it all. He thinks that if we just live day to day without a ruckus, everything is obviously OK...and I know the difference between causing him pain out of vindictiveness and revenge and the pain he causes himself, due to a guilty conscience when I ask for answers to questions I think I have a right to know in order to correct and learn from our mistakes.

"Bottom line:

Get as self reliant as you can.... When you get very self reliant and spiritually stronger you will be much more secure and immune from the deep pains of the affair."

I AM growing stronger, getting my self confidence back, but hesitate to wander far from home in my quest for identity precisely because my trust was so shattered. My husband used precisely that trust and my unquestioning willingness to let him lead HIS own life, make his own decisions to conduct his A literally right under my nose. So hopefully you can understand why it is still so very hard for me to stuff my hurt, anger and humiliation...
But, I know from your kind answer and others who post here that time will help heal, and the pain will lessen until one day my questions, answered or not, will just cease to be important...little by little, I find H will answer a small question, a piece of the puzzle, will fit and someday I will understand the story of my life.


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## Omegaa

Mr Blunt said:


> 1	I went back to college at night and took courses that I was interested in.
> 2	I got closer to my other family members
> 3	I worked on my spiritual life
> 4	I started weaning myself off some emotional reliance on my wife
> 5	I made a plan to build me an office and a kitchen and bathroom for me. Completed in 2008.
> 6	I started accepting that the ideals I had about marriage were not going to be real for me.
> 
> Everyone is different and I can only tell you about me.
> 
> it is just that you cannot put lot of your emotional and spiritual health in the hands of a person that has proven that they will devastate your well being.
> 
> 
> My wife will never be able to hurt me the way that she did some 20 years ago.


Mr Blunt

It's an interesting post.

Whilst I may not build my own kitchen and an office with en suite bathroom, I have appreciated your approach. Is this more like a internal separation without actually leaving your WS altogether = going solo?

It's good to hear that you had an excellent Christian couple therapy if I understand this correctly? 

As you say, we are all different. Some people who have a strong spiritual belief could do what you did. I accolade for your feat stemming over 20 years.


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## Omegaa

allwillbewell said:


> I agree but what constitutes "painful" conversations? Many of the issues I need closure on are exactly those my WH finds too painful to discuss!
> 
> I did not ask to have this A dropped into my life but here it is and now I must heal on my own? I am not talking about the stuff like where did you do it, what did you do, did you use our bed, was she better than I? and so on. But the bigger issues that really have to do with the disfunction of the marriage prior to A: why did you not come to me to voice your unhappiness?, why did you need to find an OW to complain and confide in?
> 
> how did she fulfill you as I could not, why did A go on as long as 6 years, what did you expect to happen when it was discovered?
> 
> How do you think of your A and what place does OW hold in your heart now after 1.5 years since Dday?
> 
> So where did all my following the rules get me in the end? I guess what I really want, Mr. Blunt, is for my husband to just once look inside himself, recognize his failings and own up to them to me, which he has never really done yet.
> 
> Oh yes, he is remorseful, ashamed, dishonored by his behavior but because I agreed to keep his dirty little secret from friends and family has never had to pay the consequences except for the destruction he knows he caused me and having to give up his EA and AP.
> 
> Get as self reliant as you can.... When you get very self reliant and spiritually stronger you will be much more secure and immune from the deep pains of the affair."
> 
> My husband used precisely that trust and my unquestioning willingness to let him lead HIS own life, make his own decisions to conduct his A literally right under my nose. So hopefully you can understand why it is still so very hard for me to stuff my hurt, anger and humiliation...
> 
> I find H will answer a small question, a piece of the puzzle, will fit and someday I will understand the story of my life.


Hi Allwillbewell

In my belief, there's nothing wrong to say, "your needs are still not met" after DDday and even after over a year since the DDay. After all, you are his Wife. He needs to work on his weaknesses to please you! 

It looks like some men or women (WS) seem to think they are getting off the hook straightaway.. There are bound to be casualties post trainwreck; wounds do get ripped open if there are any more triggers or there are ongoing unresolved problems within marriage. 

Questions you're asking him sound very reasonable. However, I wouldn't be surprised if your H will NOT answer with much honesty to avoid any more future conflicts. Men don't wear their heart in their own sleeves.. It wasn't difficult for me to get enough answers as I spoke to the OW and she was very open with me. (I no longer communicate with her) 

You say that you had marital problems leading to DDay. Is your marriage better after his affair had ended? I am not sure why you never tried to receive support and guidance by telling your family and friends? It sounds to me that you are so isolated and no wonder you feel you are not able to "move on"? In my case, the problem had gone public e.g. therapy, family etc. This had made a huge difference. Our problem was too huge for me to tackle all on my own and I knew everyone had to know and it helped me feel less isolated.


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## allwillbewell

Because of the love I had for H and not wanting children to be pulled into this black hole of pain and because I could not face the Humiliation of public disclosure, I chose not to go public. Yes, I feel quite isolated but felt H and I needed that space to figure out what we wanted, regroup sort of speak, and rediscover our love...besides, for a long time I could take no joy from anything...but it has gotten so much better between us...I feel we have fallen back in love rediscovering that we enjoy time together and can share emotioal and physical intimacy again. Which probably leads directly to the bittersweet sadness and attention I give to all those lost years...wanting to know the why of it when we so obviously CAN relate to each other very well as H and W.


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## Omegaa

Hi Allwillbewell

I doubt your spouse will ever tell you "why" as telling you could make the situation so much worse and it can be so cruel. The truth may hurt you deeply and harm the marriage even more once the truth is out in the open. You may resent the truth so much that you may even want to leave him etc.

How does his ex-OW look like? My ex-OW was a bit naive and insecure woman who had a low self-esteem despite her glamourous looks; but she was generally sweet when I spoke to her. She had magnificent DD cup size (perfect for one night stands for men) and a trim figure. There wasn't much else to her. 

Certainly she wasn't a "marriage" material and H knew this and took advantage. Well, she offered sex on a plate and she pursued him persistently. At the same time, he was very weak and grabbed it. There's not much more to it. It was hot sex with a different body he simply couldn't resist each time she had offered more. He ended up going back for more. She thought there was more than "friends with benefits" type affair to her but that was all he had intended. 

He was "nice" enough to go back to her and have their final sex after DDay to my amazement. I found out from his OW. I expect he wanted to have the last sex with her and to say good bye, which caused a lot of grief to me needless to say..


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## Thinkingpositivethoughts

I'm really glad I found this because it's so similar. My H had a 6 year A with a single who didn't know he was married, so there are 2 victims in our scenario. We are in 2 different cities as he travels. He stopped the A to come home and work on our marriage (guilt). I didn't find out until I got a revenge email from the OWs sister about a month after he broke it off with her. We have been together for 40 years. I have felt every emotion in the book and then some. Betrayal by your spouse is the worst pain ever. We are in counseling and working on a "new" relationship. I'm still ambivalent as to whether I want to continue in the marriage but have committed to try. LTA's are so complex and I know it will require years of hard work to get to a happy place. My prayers for all who are BS's. Only you can decide what's right for you in your situation.


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