# Wife cheated and lied for years.......



## fnfireguy13 (Jun 4, 2015)

My wife cheated on me with a friend and lied about it for years. Neither one had the guts to tell the truth nor consider me about it and it has just torn me up. I love her dearly and am still trying to make it work but I'm just about out of any feelings for her now. I don't want to lose her and I need a way to figure out how to cope with this for another 10 years.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Can you elaborate more?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

fnfireguy13 said:


> My wife cheated on me with a friend and lied about it for years. Neither one had the guts to tell the truth nor consider me about it and it has just torn me up. I love her dearly and am still trying to make it work but I'm just about out of any feelings for her now. I don't want to lose her and I need a way to figure out how to cope with this for another 10 years.


Why the timeline... I'm guessing you have young children? Are you looking to stick things out until they're out of the house?

Are you currently satisfied that you have sufficient details regarding the affair?

How did you find out? Has she since confessed to what you know? Has she made any efforts at filling in the blanks by answering any questions that you may have?

Sorry you're here.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Divorce her and your friend. The kids will be ok. She doesn't love you. She has no respect for you.
Get some respect for yourself. Expose this to everyone you know.
Sorry to hear this.

or you can have an open marriage. That rarely works out.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

once a cheat, always a cheat...no two ways about it, and am sure you can ask many men/women who have been on the receiving end of it. If you rollover and accept it, it will come back and bite you in the behind.

Course of action....DUMP


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Recovering from infidelity is very difficult at the best of times. It is possible and a few marriages have grown stronger afterward. 

The truth is most people don't have the stomach for it. It takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment by both people to heal the wounds. Often there is only one in the relationship that has the capability, willingness and patience to do the work required. But the basic math required is 1+1=2 and it takes two fully committed people to make it work. 

There is always a reason for infidelity. It is usually not a very good one but there is a reason and that reason may simply be a deep seeded character flaw. For example, You can't fix stupid. But seriously, your future with your current or STBXW is based on a lot of factors. Sometimes its better to divorce and then if true love exists and both parties get help, grow up they may find their way back to each other. 

In other cases through intense therapy, sincere remorse and herculean efforts. Then the ability to forgive, gain a greater understanding with concrete actions can rebuild the trust and love needed to make it work. But there are no guarantees. 

If you are up for the challenge and your wife is absolutely committed to making it work then there are steps to make it happen. Others can list them out and if you search around here on the coping with infidelity threads you can find them. 

Good Luck


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

fnfireguy13 said:


> My wife cheated on me with a friend and lied about it for years. Neither one had the guts to tell the truth nor consider me about it and it has just torn me up. I love her dearly and am still trying to make it work but I'm just about out of any feelings for her now. *I don't want to lose her* and I need a way to figure out how to cope with this for another 10 years.


Why ?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Ive been where you are now. I will go along with all advise with ending the marriage for good. If you dont, you will have to go through it all over again in the future.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Have you considered marriage counseling? Does your wife want to work on the marriage? How long ago was it that you discovered the affair?

I would suggest either marriage counseling for the both of you or individual counseling so you can sort out your feelings. It sounds like everything is still fresh....get some counseling to help you out. Sorry that these circumstances brought you here. :-(


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Vorlon said:


> Recovering from infidelity is very difficult at the best of times. It is possible and a few marriages have grown stronger afterward.
> 
> The truth is most people don't have the stomach for it. It takes a tremendous amount of work and commitment by both people to heal the wounds. Often there is only one in the relationship that has the capability, willingness and patience to do the work required. But the basic math required is 1+1=2 and it takes two fully committed people to make it work.


 We have friends that fought through it.. and are very thankful they did.... they have 4 children ...so much would have been lost had they ended it.. their children are thriving today... it was just a 1 or 2 time thing ...the magnitude of 10 ongoing years...the hiding, outright lying, how does one look themselves in the mirror is the question.... I can't imagine HOW emotionally crushing ...then the SHEER ANGER of wanting to take them both limb by limb .... 

There was a story here...I came across yrs ago ... never forgot it .. he forgave his wife ...after 12 yrs with a neighbor man.. he details his struggle in this...his emotions post #8... her remorse.. if there is no remorse, if it is not profound, deeply felt , then the marriage should end. This man's wife was shaking.. he also admitted he was not there for her.. a workaholic.. this is no excuse.. just trying to give some insight to this other man's story ...worth a read.. He took a tremendous amount of Flack for NOT throwing her to the curb.. as most would imagine. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The first time I found out about my wife seeing another man was at the ten year point of our marriage, of coarse she denied it was anything more than friendship. 

The next ten years was hell, I could never regain the trust I once had, I questioned everything, our marriage was under a dark of cloud of suspicion. She had several affairs, the last ending with her finding the "love of her life" who she left me and the kids for.

I would NEVER repeat the last ten years of my marriage, absolute waste of my life. Use my hind sight as your fore sight.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We have friends that fought through it.. and are very thankful they did.... they have 4 children ...so much would have been lost had they ended it.. their children are thriving today... it was just a 1 or 2 time thing ...the magnitude of 10 ongoing years...the hiding, outright lying, how does one look themselves in the mirror is the question.... I can't imagine HOW emotionally crushing ...then the SHEER ANGER of wanting to take them both limb by limb ....
> 
> There was a story here...I came across yrs ago ... never forgot it .. he forgave his wife ...after 12 yrs with a neighbor man.. he details his struggle in this...his emotions post #8... her remorse.. if there is no remorse, if it is not profound, deeply felt , then the marriage should end. This man's wife was shaking.. he also admitted he was not there for her.. a workaholic.. this is no excuse.. just trying to give some insight to this other man's story ...worth a read.. He took a tremendous amount of Flack for NOT throwing her to the curb.. as most would imagine.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html


I remember that thread. 12 years? Yeah, you can lump me into the "Kick Her To The Curb Club" on that one.

Still, I'm glad they were able to patch things up. Hopefully they're still doing well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. More details.

Is your "friend" with benefits for your WW still around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

I am sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but people that stay with spouses who cheated on them, like bestblu1 from that thread, are cowards.

They return with all of the same platitudes, "They still love me," and "They are truly sorry."

Basically, they are attempting to rationalize why it does not matter and why they (the spurned spouse) should take some responsibility for the other person's actions, etc etc.

Personally, I think it is a defense mechanism for a person who wants to pretend it never happened.

Deep down it is not something you will ever get over. It is a constant reality.

It happened.

And it will never go away.

A person who actually loves someone else will never betray them.

Period.

I see it as a simple binary:

1) Did they cheat? Yes or No?

If Yes - Goodbye.

End of discussion.

I will never understand people who stay with or return to adulterous partners.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Icey181 said:


> I am sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but people that stay with spouses who cheated on them, like bestblu1 from that thread, are cowards.
> 
> They return with all of the same platitudes, "They still love me," and "They are truly sorry."
> 
> ...


Here are my feelings on this.. now let me also make it clear I have never cheated, nor my husband.. we have only been with each other in this lifetime... it's something that is very dear to us... 

With the story of BestBlu's ....had they had better communication going forth.. opening up and caring for each other.. putting each others needs 1st and foremost...what happened *wouldn't* have happened... 

When she felt drowning emotionally.. because he was off being a Workaholic. had she talked to him.. even fought with him!!!.. telling him what she NEEDED or outright saying...."if we don't work towards this... I may fall into the arms of another" (as a warning to how serious it felt for her) that honesty.. (yeah RARE I KNOW !)... it would have alerted him to the severity of the situation... and averted it .. unless he still blew her off .....

We can't blow each other off.. we need to care about each others needs.. and true, integrity on her behalf would have divorced 1st..and I wouldn't have blamed her!

When I am not happy.. I'm very vocal about it.. I will try to move heaven & earth to come up with a workable solution that is good for us both... if was met with too much resistance, however, his spitting on how I felt... I would grow very resentful.. at some point you realize it's in one ear & out the other (I suppose, never had to deal with this)... and leaving the marriage would be for the best..... People should LEAVE before they fall into the arms of another.. 

My beef is..* too many shove the conflict they should be having -under the rug.*.. then they find themselves WEAK.. and justify what they do.. living secrets.. It's a very ugly thing.. 

Just shouldn't have happened at all..


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Agreed about the necessity of communication.

I had to learn in the last two years that I needed to vocalize when I was not happy; failing to do so only gives rise to resentment and creates long-term problems and no solutions.

When I read the BestBlu1 thread I came away thinking one thing:

That guy is in an unhealthy dependent relationship and has serious emotional issues.

The speed with which he turned in on himself, took responsibility for _her actions_, felt the need to forgive her immediately, and re-launch into the relationship all demonstrate an amazing amount of emotional dependency and a lack of self-respect.

Yes, when you are dealing with the breakdown of a relationship you need to be self-aware enough to realize you were not perfect and that you had a hand in weakening the bonds.

However, adultery is a choice.

It is a decision to literally violate the most basic trust within a relationship and it is done so with the full knowledge of the severity of the betrayal and for _the express purpose of hurting the other person while you get emotional and/or sexual satisfaction elsewhere_.

There may be true remorse after the fact, when the cheater realizes the consequences of the hurt they have inflicted are greater than what they can deal with.

But at the end of the day cheating is a choice to inflict maximum harm on your significant other.

The mere fact that the decision was made to inflict that harm proves that the adulterer does not actually love their SO.

Some people need to pretend that is not what it means to save their ego and to avoid dealing with the consequences.

But I think it is telling that even people who claim to have "worked through" infidelity often talk about how the emotions come back time and time again and that the only way to deal with them is to deny them.

In my world adultery is an immediate and irrevocable deal breaker.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Icey181 said:


> In my world adultery is an immediate and irrevocable deal breaker.


I have lots of deal breakers ! if the man thinks throwing money at me is enough for happiness.. well it wouldn't be! If a man thinks he doesn't need to listen to his wife or show affection... I'd have to leave over that too.. sex is important too ! I actually feel a sexless marriage is on par with cheating.. I realize others will NOT agree... and that's fine.. my husband also feels that's reprehensible....he understands why I feel as I do... it's a slaughtering of the vows to love & cherish to me.. we are on the same page in that... 

I am just not up for calling someone else foolish (you didn't say this but many do) or suggesting he is unhealthy somehow because he chose to forgive ..and work it out .... I do not see it as you do... and really.. we have no idea the gratitude his wife may have for him.. feeling she is unworthy of his staying with her.. It's their life.. Forgiveness like that is very moving. and rare to find.. 

I will leave room for healing and others choices in how they deal with infidelity.. but I respect your position...

The friends we have... opened up to us in our living room about that time in their lives... it was a very emotional conversation ..both of them sharing... I surely don't think it would be my place to tell my GF she's unhealthy & foolish to have stayed with her husband . her church wanted her to divorce him back then.. she called me.. we talked.. and talked.. it wasn't the answer for her.. or her family..

Heck he was pouring out his remorse in front of us that day ! I was touched by it really.. he went into detail how before that he could look at himself in the mirror, after that it is not the same, he will never see himself the same again -due to what he did to his wife.. I was fighting back tears...there is shame there.. 

But he is forgiven.. he is grateful.. People are not perfect Icey..


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Icey181 said:


> I am sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but people that stay with spouses who cheated on them, like bestblu1 from that thread, are cowards.
> 
> They return with all of the same platitudes, "They still love me," and "They are truly sorry."
> 
> ...


I definitely don't get it either but I study it so I can help people no matter what they choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What Icey is saying is that screwing your SO by screwing others is not love. I wholeheartedly agree. Love is not a feeling, it is action.

I also agree that many who choose reconciliation do not fully face or address the ugliness involved.

12 years of fvcking another man was not love.

I do like many aspects of how he worked his R.

There are some good things to learn from his thread and some that really don't add up that much but God does do some miraculous things and he gave Him credit in his story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We have friends that fought through it.. and are very thankful they did.... they have 4 children ...so much would have been lost had they ended it.. their children are thriving today... it was just a 1 or 2 time thing ...the magnitude of 10 ongoing years...the hiding, outright lying, how does one look themselves in the mirror is the question.... I can't imagine HOW emotionally crushing ...then the SHEER ANGER of wanting to take them both limb by limb ....
> 
> There was a story here...I came across yrs ago ... never forgot it .. he forgave his wife ...after 12 yrs with a neighbor man.. he details his struggle in this...his emotions post #8... her remorse.. if there is no remorse, if it is not profound, deeply felt , then the marriage should end. This man's wife was shaking.. he also admitted he was not there for her.. a workaholic.. this is no excuse.. just trying to give some insight to this other man's story ...worth a read.. He took a tremendous amount of Flack for NOT throwing her to the curb.. as most would imagine.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html


OMG 12 years. I think I would have died when I found out about it. I can't say I would even have a clue of how to even deal with that kind of a betrayal but she would be gone forever in my eyes. The neighbor had better leave like yesterday. I am not sure it would ever be in his interest to ever be around me again. Just the sickness in my heart even thinking about it kills me. I feel so bad for that guy. 

Clay


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Icey181 said:


> But at the end of the day cheating is a choice to inflict maximum harm on your significant other.


I don't see it that way. 

I think most cheaters aren't thinking of their spouses at all in the moment, much less with that level of malice. It's much more about selfishness than malevolence. 

Yes, the result is often maximum harm, but not the motive. And they aren't thinking about the result...


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

People are not perfect. True.

But there is this:


SimplyAmorous said:


> Heck he was pouring out his remorse in front of us that day ! I was touched by it really.. he went into detail how before that he could look at himself in the mirror, *after that it is not the same, he will never see himself the same again -due to what he did to his wife.. *I was fighting back tears...there is shame there..
> 
> But he is forgiven.. he is grateful.. People are not perfect Icey..


I bet he is grateful.

When people demonstrate they are not worthy of something and yet the empathy of the person they hurt the most is still made available to them, they damn well better be grateful.

But that relationship will always exist with the knowledge that he did not love her enough not to cheat on her.

Which is why I call it an irrevocable deal breaker.

Cheating is decision that unlike any other creates a permanent brand upon a relationship.

No matter how much forgiveness is advanced. No matter how much soul searching is done, no matter how much shame and gratefulness are demonstrated…

Nothing can change the fact that the cheater decided one day that they did not love their SO and it would be a good idea to betray and injure them in the most visceral way emotionally possible.

My stance is always this:

If you truly cared you would never have made the decision to cheat in the first place.

Remorse after the fact is useless. 

It is merely an attempt to retain something despite knowing you are no longer worthy of it.

I do not expect people to be perfect.

But I think people should have the sense of self-worth to demand a partner who would never consider betraying them.

That is a basic level of human decency I think we should all expect.

I have no sympathies for people who lack that level of decency and wonder at the self-worth of individuals who accept those people into their lives.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

zillard said:


> I don't see it that way.
> 
> I think most cheaters aren't thinking of their spouses at all in the moment, much less with that level of malice. It's much more about selfishness than malevolence.
> 
> Yes, the result is often maximum harm, but not the motive. And they aren't thinking about the result...


I am sorry, but no. That is garbage.

Every single person who has ever been in a relationship knows what cheating on their SO would mean and the harm it would do.

All of the excuses are just that, excuses.

It is not that they are not thinking about the consequences.

They are deciding, in the moment, that the consequences do not outweigh what they want in that moment.

It is a decision.

And one I hold people responsible for.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Any more details OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

She hurt him too ICEY.. does that matter. she refused sex to her own husband over stupid household chores.. I try to be an understanding person to others choices ....what's your point..I should have told my friend -dump his sorry a$$...you deserve better... so their children could suffer..and frankly themselves... living the rest of their loves in regret ...

ya know what...she loved him.. he still loved her.. you don't know all the circumstances as I do.. he was on some meds during that time too, that could have played a part... frankly it boggles my mind how people can Fvck eveything that moves and treat sex like it's pouring water when single.... then get married and Heavens. sex is then the utopia of Betrayal even though before ...."Sex is just sex".. there is a disconnect I can't make sense of here...... 

Sex is either something very special or it's NOT.. (frankly I am in the very special crowd.. I just have pretty much ZERO compassion for those who withhold it - because I think so highly of it IN MARRIAGE)...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Icey181 said:


> They are deciding, in the moment, that the consequences do not outweigh what they want in that moment.


Yep. Selfishness - not malice.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

zillard said:


> Yep. Selfishness - not malice.


Cheating on your significant other, by definition, inflicts harm.

Cheating is inherently an act of malice, whether or not the person involved is willing to acknowledge it or not.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

There is a saying..."the one who loves less, has the upper hand in a relationship". This seems to be the case with the OP....he loves her dearly, and she f*cked his buddy behind his back. I mean she didn't even have the decency to look further afield. :frown2:


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Icey181 said:


> Cheating on your significant other, by definition, inflicts harm.
> 
> Cheating is inherently an act of malice, whether or not the person involved is willing to acknowledge it or not.


Malice depends on motive. It is the DESIRE to inflict harm. Cheating is usually the desire to get off, feel validated, or feel desired.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

zillard said:


> Malice depends on motive. It is the DESIRE to inflict harm. Cheating is usually the desire to get off, feel validated, or feel desired.


If malice, why do most cheaters lie and hide it?


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> She hurt him too ICEY.. does that matter. she refused sex to her own husband over stupid household chores.. I try to be an understanding person to others choices ....what's your point..I should have told my friend -dump his sorry a$$...you deserve better... so their children could suffer..and frankly themselves... living the rest of their loves in regret ...


1) Relationships are not zero sum games with reciprocal inflictions of pain and hurt. It sounds like she played her part in loosening the bonds of the relationship, but that does not legitimize rending those bonds into shreds by cheating.

2) Yes, she should have dumped him. She does deserve better. And it sounds like so does he.

3) Children suffer? Your friends just taught their kids that they should forgive heinous betrayals, just like mommy did. And that even if you cheat, like daddy did, you can still come back from it.

4) They already live their lives in regret from what you said.

Or do you think a day goes by where those two do not remember what he did and the hurt it caused?



SimplyAmorous said:


> ya know what...she loved him.. he still loved her.. you don't know all the circumstances as I do.. he was on some meds during that time too, that could have played a part... frankly it boggles my mind how people can Fvck eveything that moves and treat sex like it's pouring water when single.... then get married and Heavens. sex is then the utopia of Betrayal even though before ...."Sex is just sex".. there is a disconnect I can't make sense of here......


He did not still love her.

*If he did he would not have cheated on her.*

I get that people need to make rationalizations to deal with their life choices, but come on.

Any person who claims to love an individual whom they cheated on is simply going full speed into defense mode and begging that other person not to exact the consequences they full well know should be coming.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Sex is either something very special or it's NOT.. (frankly I am in the very special crowd.. I just have pretty much ZERO compassion for those who withhold it - because I think so highly of it IN MARRIAGE)...


I am in the same camp. If my wife decided to withhold sex due to an argument or as some form of punishment, I would end my marriage on the spot.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

fnfireguy

Come back and give us more details.

How old are you and your wife.
How old are your kids?

What do you hope to accomplish at the end of the ten years?

HM


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

zillard said:


> Malice depends on motive. It is the DESIRE to inflict harm. Cheating is usually the desire to get off, feel validated, or feel desired.


How are you missing this?

Cheating by definition inflicts harm.

There is no other potential consequence: Cheating = Inflict Harm

Therefore, if you decide to cheat, you are deciding to inflict harm.

Malice and cheating are inextricable from one another.

Cheating is not simply seeking to feel validated or desired.

Cheating is pursuing a means of being validated and/or desired _that concomitantly_ inflicts maximum harm on the person you blame for not providing it.

Every cheater in history sought to inflict harm on the person they cheated upon.

If not, they would have ended the relationship before seeking said validation.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Icey181 said:


> Every cheater in history sought to inflict harm on the person they cheated upon.
> 
> If not, they would have ended the relationship before seeking said validation.


Or they were merely selfish cowards.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think most cheaters are trying to inflict harm. I think they are trying to get their needs met, but in an illicit way.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

zillard said:


> Or they were merely selfish cowards.


Who chose a course of action guaranteed to inflict maximum pain on the person they were cheating on.

That is malice.

I do not buy into the BS of "momentary" acts of emotion.

Cheaters made a choice and every adult in the history of human relationships has understood what cheating means and does.

There is no such thing as "I was not thinking."

Every time that excuse comes out of someone's mouth all I hear is:

"I decided I would do this thing and try to get out of the consequences later."


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

jld said:


> I don't think most cheaters are trying to inflict harm. I think they are trying to get their needs met, but in an illicit way.


If they were not intending to inflict harm, why did they pursue a path of self-validation that by definition violates the most basic trust of a relationship and produces the singular consequence of inflicting the maximum emotional harm possible between two people?

If someone has needs that are not being met they can pursue those needs without inflicting harm, but if they did that, they would not be cheaters.

What I have noticed is that some people feel the need to pretend that cheaters are something other than self-involved, selifish, malicious, people.

The fiction that a cheater can "really be a good person who loves you," that just made a mistake is farcical trash that serves only to assuage the lack of self-worth felt by the cowards who stay with them.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

We see things differently. You use a lot of absolutes. Very white and black. 

I hope it works out for you. I don't think it's that simple.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Icey181 said:


> The fiction that a cheater can "really be a good person who loves you," that just made a mistake is farcical trash that serves only to assuage the lack of self-worth felt by the cowards who stay with them.


If that paradigm is good for you - go with it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Icey181 said:


> 2) Yes, she should have dumped him. She does deserve better. And it sounds like so does he.


 I disagree with you.. they both learned from this.... Lord, without knowing someone you are very judgmental. 



> 3) Children suffer? Your friends just taught their kids that they should forgive heinous betrayals, just like mommy did. And that even if you cheat, like daddy did, you can still come back from it.


 No their children has NOT suffered...they have an autistic son.. and without the both of them.. it would have been so much worse... I admire this family Da** it.. 

.. I can be a critical cuss in some areas.. but you are wrong here.. you are not GOD ... and you do not know what is BEST for every couple and their mistakes.. Frankly I find those who love enough to forgive more admirable than the attitude you are displaying.. 

Now me... if my H fvcked another woman, I'd want retribution...give me his head on a platter..... I'd have to get even to forgive so I'm not Miss "let's easily forgive" by any means here.... but if I was stupid enough to be pushing him away for years.. causing a sexless marriage. I'd be a fool to think that wouldn't cause desperation, weakness, pain, hurt ...and temptation on his end.. 

Most will just hide this sh** & people never ever learn about it.. which is also a betrayal ..



> 4) They already live their lives in regret from what you said.
> 
> Or do you think a day goes by where those two do not remember what he did and the hurt it caused?


 I disagree again, he was speaking to the how deep his remorse was to us... how he would tell anyone to NEVER EVER go down this path... had the marriage ended, the regret may have dug him a grave.. 

I totally do NOT see this as you do.. but again.. we know this family.. I've been friends with her since 2nd grade.. they have been together since their teens....he's one of my H's best friends ..... 

WE see them as GOOD people and others in the community would say the same.. They have grown from this...they have weathered other storms together -in relation to their children after this.. which was no fault of their own and their family is closer than many I know personally.. 

This really has nothing to do with the Original poster...... every situation is so different with it's own set of circumstances and how to move forward.. would I say that 90% + should end their marriages with an infidelity.. YES I WOULD!! I will never be one to feel 100% though.. it depends..it's not so black & white to me... I feel I did the RIGHT THING as a friend in regards to this family.. 

WE HAVE SEEN THE FRUITS OF IT.. and in their children, in themselves.. does this mean nothing ????


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

What a terrible thread.

Someone asks for help and everyone feels free to spill their irrelevant crap all over it. No wonder the guy didn't come back.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

a 12 year affair is unforgivable. in fact its 11 years past the forgivness point IMO


addressing the OP - your wife humiliated you and it sounds like she continues to do so. should we teach our children to accept humiliation? But I know subjecting children to divorce makes this a hard choice........


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This was what you wrote in that zombie thread: "My wife cheated on me with friend on more than one time in our home. That was 35years ago and I still wonder if I did the right thing staying with her. She lied about it for 4 years before she confessed to it. He has hidden from me. I think forgave her but can't forget. Be prepared to eat some pride sometimes and you'll never forget the feeling when you found out. I was madly in love now I'm not so sure after 40 years of dealing with this. My blessing was the two kids after so I'm glad I didn't leave then but now is another time. My biggest regret is that I tried to 'even' the score and I had a few flings and all of them made me sick. 
Moral here is chose wisely and know your depth of love for her because you will never forget and you have to deal with so many reminders."

So she cheated, then you cheated, and 30+ years later you don't think you're in love with her anymore, but for some reason you want to stick it out for 10 more years. Why?

What have you been doing all this time? Have you made any real effort to improve your marriage? If not, why did you stay?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have kind of lost track of who and what we are talking about on this thread - is the OP still around ?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

zillard said:


> Malice depends on motive. It is the DESIRE to inflict harm. Cheating is usually the desire to get off, feel validated, or feel desired.


Maybe malice isn't the very best term to describe it, so much as pathological carelessness. You decide you want to have this other person outside your marriage, you know it would hurt your spouse very much if she or he knew (hence the hiding and lying), but you do it anyway. There is a malevolence in that carelessness - because it's not a careless mistake you're making because you don't know what the consequences will be if you get caught - it's a conscious choice, when you know very well what the consequences will be.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Cheese Ball.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yep, I agree - this thread has taken on a life of its own (sorry OP)


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

fnfireguy13 said:


> My wife cheated on me with a friend and lied about it for years. Neither one had the guts to tell the truth nor consider me about it and it has just torn me up. I love her dearly and am still trying to make it work but I'm just about out of any feelings for her now. I don't want to lose her and I need a way to figure out how to cope with this for another 10 years.


The way I reconciled after my wife's affair:

1) In the short term we rebuilt an effective relationship for coparenting. 

2) In the longer term we rebuilt friendship and love. Its a long journey, and success it not guaranteed.

3) Trust gets better, but my notions of trusting her (and people in general) have taken a battering. I cannot imagine trusting anyone 100% again. I can live with that because its based on logic, not emotions.

Extrapolating this to your situation:

1) Know why you want to be married now. And work on making it better.

2) If your only reason for staying is you are scared of losing her, think carefully, because in a sense you already have. You lost what you thought you had. You need to be defining a future, not clinging to a past.

3) This whole thing is complex, but ultimately you have to make simple decisions (e.g. stay or go) in the complexity.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Icey181 said:


> If they were not intending to inflict harm, why did they pursue a path of self-validation that by definition violates the most basic trust of a relationship and produces the singular consequence of inflicting the maximum emotional harm possible between two people?
> 
> If someone has needs that are not being met they can pursue those needs without inflicting harm, but if they did that, they would not be cheaters.
> 
> ...


Icey, this thread is about the OP.

You've made your point as it relates to the OP....you think none should reconcile. I'll make my counterpoint. Successful reconciliations do occur (mine being one of them at 25 years) and it is not always an act of cowardice. 

Happy to engage with you on philosophy till the cows come home, if you want to start a separate thread. (And I mean that, its an important point and a debate I am happy to have). But in this thread, what about letting the original poster work through his specific situation, if he hasn't already been scared off.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

I doubt the OP is coming back, especially after what Breeze found and posted.

Certainly sounds like a situation in which neither person wanted to be in that relationship and are simply holding onto it out of some habit or fear.

I would be interested, if the OP ever returns, for him to answer Breeze's comment.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I disagree with you.. they both learned from this.... Lord, without knowing someone you are very judgmental.


What did they learn?

The main lesson I saw was that they both learned how much pain they could inflict on the other person and how to saddle their relationship with a good deal of long-term guilt.



SimplyAmorous said:


> No their children has NOT suffered...they have an autistic son.. and without the both of them.. it would have been so much worse... I admire this family Da** it..


Marriage and Parenting are two different relationships.

Dealing with a special needs child, depending on the severity, can be incalculably hard. Back when I taught Special Education the few families of Autistic children I interacted with all seemed to be on the breaking point 24/7.



SimplyAmorous said:


> .. I can be a critical cuss in some areas.. but you are wrong here.. you are not GOD ... and you do not know what is BEST for every couple and their mistakes.. Frankly I find those who love enough to forgive more admirable than the attitude you are displaying..


Cheating is not a mistake.
A mistake is when you do something and produce an unintended consequence.

Cheating is a _decision_. It is a decision followed through with the full knowledge of the consequences of the action.

Forgiveness is certainly an admirable trait.

But cheating is a demonstration that you do not love someone.

Cheating is on my list of unforgivable decisions.

And it is there because, no matter what rationalizations people use to reconcile, cheating means that at one point the person who declared they loved you decided you and your emotions were worthless and they had no trouble acting in a manner which would hurt you as much as possible.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Now me... if my H fvcked another woman, I'd want retribution...give me his head on a platter..... I'd have to get even to forgive so I'm not Miss "let's easily forgive" by any means here....


In other words, if you had to go through a cheating spouse, there would likely be no reconciliation.

You would have so much resentment that you would feel the need to get even.

The moment retribution enters a relationship, it is over.



SimplyAmorous said:


> but if I was stupid enough to be pushing him away for years.. causing a sexless marriage. I'd be a fool to think that wouldn't cause desperation, weakness, pain, hurt ...and temptation on his end..
> 
> Most will just hide this sh** & people never ever learn about it.. which is also a betrayal ..


I am not saying she did not have a hand in loosening the bonds of the marriage, she clearly did.

She is guilty in that she loosened them.

However, shredding them to bits was his decision and it spoke to the degree to which he valued _her_ and his life with her.

And that reality will always be with them.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I disagree again, he was speaking to the how deep his remorse was to us... how he would tell anyone to NEVER EVER go down this path... had the marriage ended, the regret may have dug him a grave..


You did not answer the question.

Do you think there is a day that goes by in which those two do not remember what happened?

Because for someone to be consumed with that much remorse means to me that those emotions are always there, under the surface, and they can never be gotten rid of.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I totally do NOT see this as you do.. but again.. we know this family.. I've been friends with her since 2nd grade.. they have been together since their teens....he's one of my H's best friends .....
> 
> WE see them as GOOD people and others in the community would say the same.. They have grown from this...they have weathered other storms together -in relation to their children after this.. which was no fault of their own and their family is closer than many I know personally..
> 
> ...


Terrible people who disregard their marriages and hurt their wives can still be decent if not great parents.

So no, that does not mean anything.

Every situation does have its own unique issues, that is true.

But I see cheating as one of the irrevocable deal-breakers.

Every single time that couple puts their kid to bed and mom and dad look in each other's eyes…

…there is the knowledge that he once decided he did not care about her or this life and cheated on her.



Wazza said:


> The way I reconciled after my wife's affair:
> 
> 1) In the short term we rebuilt an effective relationship for coparenting.
> 
> ...


This is why cheating is a deal breaker for me.

I trust my wife, completely, and totally. She trusts me in the same way.

I do not see a successful and happy relationship being built upon a foundation in which trust like that not only cannot exist but has already been actively violated.

I forgive the little things and the "medium" things relatively easily. I can even forgive some major things like a dead bedroom situation (something I am working on getting over, emotionally) so long as it is clear it was never intended out of malice and that we are working on it.

But the serious transgressions? The ones that violate the basic tenets of a relationship in the most damaging ways possible?

I have no capacity to forgive a person's willingness to destroy a relationship like that.


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## tyroneb (Jun 12, 2015)

arabian said:


> once a cheat, always a cheat...no two ways about it, and am sure you can ask many men/women who have been on the receiving end of it. If you rollover and accept it, it will come back and bite you in the behind.
> 
> Course of action....DUMP


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