# How do you deal with a compulsive liar?



## mcquestion (Jan 8, 2016)

Has anyone dealt with a spouse that just can’t tell the truth?

For example, my wife texted, “I’m leaving work now, I’ll be home soon”….when I know she’s working from home. I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I wouldn’t care if she was at home; I’m glad she can sometimes. 

I’d caught her previously saying she had to work late and was really having dinner with a (female) coworker friend. She smelled like a wok and said she wasn’t hungry for dinner, so I asked her if she ate, she repeatedly denied it, then said, or someone had leftovers at work. Terrible liar. About a month later she admitted it.

I don’t think she’s cheating (I had another thread about that, yes I’ve gone full spy on her several times)…just a compulsive liar. If it was cheating, I could justify making her leave or something, but this is penny ante stuff.

I love her, but this is just chipping away at our relationship, for what?? Do they feel a small thrill? Think, ha ha, I fooled my stupid husband?

I think she does it with everyone, so should I feel disrespected or just pity for her?

I’m I worrying too much about small harmless lies (she said that one time…it was no big deal!)


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If you have no kids, I'd divorce over compulsive lying. It is going to bite you badly at some point down the road. And along the way you will lose friends because of her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

mcquestion said:


> I don’t think she’s cheating (I had another thread about that, yes I’ve gone full spy on her several times)…just a compulsive liar. If it was cheating, I could justify making her leave or something, but this is penny ante stuff.


Who do you have to justify it to?
What is marriage if you do not trust your wife?
Do you have children? Do you want children?
How old are the two of you?

If you are married to a compulsive liar, you are not living as a couple who has each other's back. She gives you information that she thinks will benefit her in some way. Even when she lies about little things it is crazy making. It can literally drive you into mental/emotional problems. You never know where you stand and you don't know if you what you believe is true or not. If you cannot believe your own perceptions, that is crazy making.

You ask how to deal with her. Well for one thing, if the relationship continues on as normal when she lies to you, it's working for her and she will continue to do what is working for her. She will take the path of least resistance. If you don't change, nothing will.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It depends on the lie. I have "lied" a couple of times about work when I was home...ahem, playing video games. If it goes beyond something like that, she's definitely cheating.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Thor said:


> If you have no kids, I'd divorce over compulsive lying. It is going to bite you badly at some point down the road. And along the way you will lose friends because of her.


This!

May be penny ante now but.......

You will get hit harder eventually


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would address it with her. Tell her you realize it's about small things but if this doesn't get fixed soon it will really be a problem and you will never be able to trust her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you should remind her that every time you catch her in a lie, no matter how little it break down the trust you have with her. after all how can trust a liar?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Could never be with someone like this. And she will just lie and dismiss if you confront her. At least I think that will happen. 

In the end, it's your call. I know what I would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I have a family member who does not tell the truth generally to avoid problems. I would encourage her to tell the truth and make sure there are no repercussions from doing so. Try to have some candid discussions with her, and the problem is likely due to insecurity.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

How do you deal with a compulsive liar? YOU DONT.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

People lie out of fear. They're afraid they'll be judged, or disapproved of, or subject to shame or ridicule, something along those lines.

You want to stay with her and you want the lying to stop?

Create an environment in which she feels safe. Deal with the underlying problem and the symptoms will cease.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Bobby5000 said:


> I have a family member who does not tell the truth generally to avoid problems. I would encourage her to tell the truth and make sure there are no repercussions from doing so. Try to have some candid discussions with her, and the problem is likely due to insecurity.


This. Try this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You don't. Life is short. No time for juvenile antics


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

It's not "juvenille antics" its a deep rooted insecurity problem. 

You really need to be more understanding.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

mcquestion said:


> Has anyone dealt with a spouse that just can’t tell the truth?
> 
> For example, my wife texted, “I’m leaving work now, I’ll be home soon”….when I know she’s working from home. I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I wouldn’t care if she was at home; I’m glad she can sometimes.


If DH was working from home and texted me that, I'd think he was having a joke... see, stop work, stand up, I'm home! I guess if there's a history of lying, that's the first thing you'd assume.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

She needs to know that these little lies hurt you and you don't want to live like that. Have you ever asked why she feels the need to lie? Some people are just pathological lier and do it without ever realizing they are lying. Maybe counselling is something that might help your wife.

Lying is a deal breaker for me. It would not and can not live with someone who can't be honest with me.


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## mcquestion (Jan 8, 2016)

breeze said:


> If DH was working from home and texted me that, I'd think he was having a joke... see, stop work, stand up, I'm home! I guess if there's a history of lying, that's the first thing you'd assume.


to clarify, I was at my office when she texted that...but she was already at home, and had been at home all day. 



To follow-up, when I asked her the next day, she said she just had a hard time waking up that day. She had to cancel lunch with a friend (female), but still told me all these stories about her, as if they had gone out still. why? it's weird 

She said she shouldn't have lied to me (she actually fessed up almost immediately). When I asked why the whole conversation about lunch with her friend, she just was silent.

Her job involves many remote sites and teleconferences, so she can easily work from home many days.

But, I'm not her boss (actually he wouldn't care either, they have flex schedules), and I've never made fun of her for working at home. 

I understand when people lie to 'get out of trouble' or avoid a conflict, but these haven't been the cases.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Maybe she lies to avoid confrontation, even if it's a tiny confrontation? Or maybe she gets some sort of thrill out of having a secret? Compulsive liars don't even realize that they're lying; it's a mental illness. I think it's an addiction. But I'm not sure what they 'get' out of it, however I would never be able to trust a liar like that. No trust=no relationship.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

OP-

My exH was/is a compulsive liar. THe lies ranged from the logical "get out of trouble" or "avoid conflict" lies, but others were told with no logical benefit to either him or the person(s) being lied to. The lying continued throughout our almost 15 year marriage and continues today with coparenting our kids. Unfortunately, I was also very conflict-avoidant and did not call him on his lies in real-time and often when I did confront at a later date, he founds ways to make me doubt the facts...then I started journaling everything (holding onto any proof I had) so when I did confront, I couldn't be gaslighted. In the end, he knew why we were divorcing... he claimed he was gonna get help and hopefully in a few years we could date again- etc. He has never sought help and he continues to conduct himself in the same way. I don't think he'll ever change. The only thing that has changed is how I respond, which is I call BS every time and only respond to actions and not words. I'm still not perfect in this but I have definitely evolved and am teaching my children to advocate for themselves when they can and to understand the "illness"...

..with that background, my advice is to try to make a decision as early as possible on how you'd like to proceed:

1) Determine this is a deal breaker and that trust is too important and divorce
2) If you choose to stay, in no uncertain terms call her on each every lie. Tell her you do not trust her and will verify EVERYTHING and tell her that you don't believe her when she is lying and that it is unacceptable...

...but, to be honest, if the lying is frequent, no matter if you can give it a plausible reason, it is still damaging to an intimate relationship and more often will lead to death by a thousands cuts.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just curious if her habit of lying ever showed itself before you got married? Did she do it as a kid also? Do her parents know about it?

This sounds like a mental condition that she does without even thinking about it, a compulsive liar. Maybe at the time she lies she's not even making a decision to do it as such, it's just happening.

I would be asking her to seek therapy to treat this issue. If it's getting worse then there will come a point where it's intolerable to stay with her and then it's too late.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Or maybe she lies because she's a terrible person and likes to have the upper hand, so she can manipulate people and situations. Maybe she has a personality disorder. I wouldn't assume it's because she is a poor insecure woman who needs understanding.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Yosemite said:


> People lie out of fear. They're afraid they'll be judged, or disapproved of, or subject to shame or ridicule, something along those lines.
> 
> You want to stay with her and you want the lying to stop?
> 
> *Create an environment in which she feels safe. Deal with the underlying problem and the symptoms will cease.*


The symptoms will not cease if the root of the fear is irrational, coming from the mind of a child, or FOO issues. She first has to realize she is lying, figure out the roots of it, and then she may decide to grow up and deal with the consequences of her actions when she does not lie.

Grown-ups make decisions and know that someone might be unhappy about it, and they are prepared to deal with it. Child minded (fearful) people don't want to make anyone unhappy, so they lie.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She's making up stories for no reason. Lying over stupid stuff. She's covering up something. Go detective on her even though you really don't think she's cheating.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

My top three deal breakers, in order, are as follows: cheating, lying, and manipulating.

She's got some serious issues. I wouldn't tolerate what she does. I recently ended it with a guy who was a master manipulator. He would certainly disagree and never would own it, so... Bye, bye. If this were me, I'd have left a loooong time ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't ask yes/no questions. When you catch her in a lie, point it out immediately. "I am leaving work"....thats nice honey, since you worked from home today.

I would not be able to live with said person. Too much second guessing, it will drive me mad. 

What kind of upbringing did she have? What were her parents like? How is you marriage? How is your tone of voice when you speak to her? Because this could be learned behavior to avoid conflict.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yosemite said:


> People lie out of fear. They're afraid they'll be judged, or disapproved of, or subject to shame or ridicule, something along those lines.
> 
> You want to stay with her and you want the lying to stop?
> 
> Create an environment in which she feels safe. Deal with the underlying problem and the symptoms will cease.


Some people lie because they like lying.

I had a friend like that.

Until I cleaned him out of my life.


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

I think it sounds like purely compulsive lying. That means it's more like a default behavior for which she doesn't understand the motive or the significance. That's completely different than someone who rationally and intentionally decides to lie to avoid consequences. In this case the lying itself is the cause and problem. It's irrational and without remorse.

I wonder how you ended up married to someone with this problem? Did you not notice it before, or did you overlook and excuse it to avoid rocking the boat? Or did it only begin recently? I think for starters she needs professional help. Whether to stay with someone like this... only you can decide, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it. What do you have if you can't believe a word someone says?


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