# How to stop being a naggy/dependent wife?



## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

As I said in previous posts, I am insecure, and am constantly thinking my H is cheating on me. People here suggested IC, but I cannot afford it at the moment, so I am trying to use your advice and experiences to motivate myself 

I have a huge problem with arguing. My whole world comes down whenever we have an argument. I tend to make little things really huge, and whenever we have differences, or he is not in the mood, I blame myself for it and try to get him to speak about what's going on in his head and don't quit asking until he gets really really pissed of. (Making this took him to slap me twice already), so I learned the hard way I need to stop pushing him.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling really scared about everything and mostly about him cheating again: he asked me early in the morning to go pick our daughter (he picks her up every day at my mom's after work), because he was going to get an electrical shower. That was fine but I thought: What if he wants his afternoon free to go out with someone else since I'll be getting home until 8pm and he gets off work at 2pm... And that ruined my day. I called him around 3.30pm to make sure he answered his phone and wasn't "busy", he picked up and he actually texted me later asking about if he could get a chair for our baby... So, that calmed down my fears a little bit. 

When I got home, I saw he had shaved and I asked him why had he shaved since he just shaved two days ago... And here's were the accusations start:

Him: What's with that? Can't I shave now? 

_Me: No... You just shaved two days ago, Why would you shave so often? You shave once every week... (He actually does twice) "I like you better with a little beard"..._

Him: And what??? You're crazy. What if I want to shave...

_Me: Well... you used to shave everytime you were going to see me..._

Him: (He starts to get pissed of by my comments because I think he knows I am about to start accusing him of cheating again). Now, don't start.

_Me: (I stayed there laying on his stomach for a 4 minutes and yes I am starting. I feel something inside me starting to boil and getting bigger and bigger and I will have to let it out...) I am scared you are seeing someone else._

Him: (Getting even more pissed off and of course not looking at me).

_Me: What would you feel if the person you love is doing things that are suppose to be done to you, to/with someone else??? Because if you're not being honest, tell me, so I won't have to worry anymore about being honest either..._

Him: Oh yeah, I am going to go see a girl tomorrow and then see where I can take her. 

_Me: Speechless._

Him: That's what you want to hear, what you like to hear.

_Me: I know you have cheated before._

Him: (After a few minutes and me looking straight to him) When, with whom???

_Me: How am I supposed to know with whom? I am not supposed to know right???_

Him: Exactly, if I do it you will never now.

_Me: Speechless and then heartbroken. I didn't even know what I was expecting to get from him. Maybe tell me "I am not doing anything, don't worry, don't think ugly things, calm down" and the hug me... Silly me. _

I went out to get a smoke. Thinking about how I ruined a calmed moment with my fears. And about going 180. And after I finished my smoke, I went back to him:

_Me: (The time to let everything out came) That's why you wanted me to tell you how I feel??? To tell me that? What don't you tell me the true, what you think, what you feel. Why are you with me if you are going to be looking for someone else? It's because I am fat? (I am around 150ish lbs and 5'7 and I don't think I am ugly) You don't like me anymore? What's going on with you? Why would you want to be with me? Why don't we make a deal? I know youdon't want a divorce because you are pretty comfortable at this house, you have it everything, etc... etc._
A few moments later:
_Me: Why do't you say anything? Why don't you look at me? Please look at me? don't get mad at me. Not tonight. Please... Look at me. Why are you doing this? Why in this days? (I mean holidays) Please, tell me, what do you want... Tell me, look at me..._

He gets to sleep and I (surprisingly) did not cry over this but I am not comfortable. I go and take a shower, look for "180 how to" on TAM and head to bed. After 10 minutes laying in bed, I try to hug him but he doesn't let, so I keep trying and trying and trying like 10 times and he rejects me every single time, he actually changes to the other side of the bed so finally I let him... because I don't want him to get mad and slap me...

In the morning, he didn't even say goodbye to me or the baby. (He kiss us both before he heads to work). 

At this point I know he is still pissed. And I know it's my fault because I cant' control myself to stop being like this. 

This is every time we argue... every single time happens the same...

Now: 

I kindly ask for your advice and your opinions about me, my behavior and about what can I do to stop being like this. I will take any opinions even if they are harsh because I want to be a better person, and a better wife.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Venusina said:


> I tend to make little things really huge, and whenever we have differences, or he is not in the mood, I blame myself for it and try to get him to speak about what's going on in his head and don't quit asking until he gets really really pissed of. (Making this took him to slap me twice already), so I learned the hard way I need to stop pushing him.


You recognize your contribution to the problem. There are few things we have power over in this world. So, with that in mind, you need to be aware of what YOU can control: what you think in your head and what comes out of your mouth. Just stop badgering your husband. Go for a drive, go for a walk, call a friend, go mop a floor. Heck, do whatever you need to in order to quit being a nag. HOWEVER ... SLAPPING IS WRONG. PERIOD. Your husband has assaulted you. Rather than walk away from you when you start in on him, he lets this continue, then it escalates to him slapping you. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Both of you have big problems with controlling what little you can control.



Venusina said:


> At this point I know he is still pissed. And I know it's my fault because I cant' control myself to stop being like this.


Uh, no ... you can control yourself, as I stated above. Both you and your husband have a very unhealthy way of interacting. I could be off base here, but you sound somewhat paranoid to me. You probably have a ton of issues from the past that are making you so distrustful of your husband. 

His slapping you is totally out-of-bounds, but you need to get out of his face and off his back. How? Counseling. I certainly don't have the ability to diagnose your state of mind or "fix" your issues. Since you state you cannot afford counseling, I'd suggest you get a copy of Melodie Beattie's book Codependent No More. At least it will shed some light on what is triggering you to be dependent/naggy.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

He cheated on you once before?

Were you always this clingy? If he did cheat on you, were you like this prior to him cheating?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

start with controlling small things like stopping before you say something to consider it.
stick to observable, concrete facts. 
don't assume you know what is inside another person's head or assume intentions or assume actions which are hypothetical.
don't jump to conclusions. take it step by step.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

You are going to run your husband off with your behavior. Look into some free counseling resources in your area. I don't mean to sound cruel, but you need help. If my spouse did what you are doing, our relationship would be over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If you keep doing what you are doing you will only push him completely away. Why don't you write your fears down in a journal. Get it all out and never show it to him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Venusina said:


> This is every time we argue... every single time happens the same...
> 
> Now:
> 
> I kindly ask for your advice and your opinions about me, my behavior and about what can I do to stop being like this. I will take any opinions even if they are harsh because I want to be a better person, and a better wife.


You are practically on a mission to ruin your relationship!!

You seriously need counseling. In the meantime, here's what you do: SHUT UP! 

Let those thoughts come into your mind, and when they do, remind yourself to stop and THINK! "I will not make accusations that would not stand up in a courtroom."

When you do this, you are making your FEARS more important than your man, your relationship, your child, and your future. 

HOLD YOUR TONGUE! 

Go write in a journal instead. Go talk to a person who you trust and who will be honest with you. Go take a long walk. Whatever... JUST DO NOT TALK!

There is a good reason for those old cliches. Use them.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all." 
"Treat others as you want them to treat you."


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Just wondering, do you have any objective reason to think he'd rather be with someone else? Has he cheated in the past? How does he interact with other women compared to you? IMO if you can't trust him for a reason then it might be best to move on.

If, on the other hand, your fears are all in your head, then you really need to hold your tongue and work out why you keep going straight to your worst fear and go from there. 

Disclaimer:
I've been in your situation before with someone (but contained the impulse to vocalise my insecurities a lot more), and found that consciously thinking 'this is my worst fear, not real' every helped my outlook tremendously. On the other hand, this guy treated me like ****, so maybe I should have listened to my gut instead and just left.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Wow. 

First off, the slap. What do you mean he "slapped" you? Did he hit you hard across the face? Swat you off? I ask because you made it pretty clear that you continue to invade his personal space with attempts to embrace. This is completely wrong. If a person has told you not to touch them, or has made it clear that they do not want your embrace, than you are so out of line. Has he "slapped" you in an attempt to get to stop invading his personal space? Or have you been in an argument and he just hauled off and hit you?

Here is the thing, insecurity like this doesn't just come from nowhere. Have you always lived with this kind of anxiety and fear? Where you like this prior to this relationship? The kind of reaction you're having is so over the top that it likely roots deeper than your marriage. 

Has your husband, or any other man that you know of, actually cheated on you? I don't mean suspicions, I mean confirmed, undeniable cheating?


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Here's an idea. For Christmas, buy your husband a few voice activated recorders. Set them up in your house and in the car. That way, both of you can have recordings of how crazy you are which can be shared with therapists, the cops, and divorce attorneys if it comes to that.

Would you be so crazy if you knew you were on tape?

Here's a hint: men don't like crazy. There's no quicker way to run your man off than being crazy. Just chill out and you'll notice things will get better.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I use the Death Star March as my wife's ringtone.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Do you have other interests in life besides your husband? Do you work? Without knowing you at all, it sounds like you need to develop your own life and become a more independent person- that will make you much more attractive to him and you won't feel like the entire world would end if you weren't together. 

When you are completely focused on another person providing happiness to you, it's natural for them to feel pressured and eventually they will want to escape.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Hello, I don't even know were to start :/

*If he has cheated?* I think I know before we got married, he did. People used to tell me not to be with him and stuff like that. I found two three times texts to some other girls in a 3 years period and one I found a picture in his cell of him kissing some other girl that someone had told me he had been seeing... When I saw the picture I even vomited of how disgusted I was. But, As I am so weak, one day after: I forgave him and I was even inviting him lunch... \

We dated on and off for 4 years. He was an active alcoholic, and did drugs. I didn't know what a heavy drinker he was and never knew he did drugs because I thought he was a good boyfriend (even though I cried and cried because he made me feel bad a lot of times). The thing is that since I met him, I have been "following" him. I remember I did not love him at the beginning but I don't remember when I fell in love. I tried a lot of times to leave him but I always go back. 

*I had a boyfriend before him, when I was 18, who didn't drink, do drugs, he wouldn't even go out alone, with friends or myself. His life was just go to school and stay home with his computer, videogames and sleep. And I remember I even wanted to marry him :/ but he broke up with me because he felt I was going very serious. (Thank God). And even he didn't have a social life and never caught him doing any suspicious thing with someone else, I was very jealous about him watching Jessica Alba pictures or stuff like that. 

Could it be that my jealousy comes because how insecure I am? I have always felt I am not worthy, and ugly, and fat and you know. Stuff like that. Nowadays I don't feel as bad but I feel like I have failed because of my bad decisions in life. But I have in mind that I am still very young to make something good for myself and my future with my family.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Uh, no ... you can control yourself, as I stated above. Both you and your husband have a very unhealthy way of interacting. I could be off base here, but you sound somewhat paranoid to me. You probably have a ton of issues from the past that are making you so distrustful of your husband.
> 
> 
> 
> His slapping you is totally out-of-bounds, but you need to get out of his face and off his back. How? Counseling. I certainly don't have the ability to diagnose your state of mind or "fix" your issues. Since you state you cannot afford counseling, I'd suggest you get a copy of Melodie Beattie's book Codependent No More. At least it will shed some light on what is triggering you to be dependent/naggy.


I am going to look for this book. I know I am also codependent. But I think I have a lot of work to get done with myself.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Y
> HOLD YOUR TONGUE!
> 
> . JUST DO NOT TALK!
> ...


This is what he does when we argue and I just can't stand it. But I am forcing myself to do the same. Stop talking. So far, I could shut up before "starting" just once. And It worked... pretty fine. I felt horrendous inside. And cry like a little baby while he was already sleeping, but the next morning everything was just fine.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I use the Death Star March as my wife's ringtone.


Maybe my husband thinks the same.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You need IC. Your insecurity will ruin your relationship, worse push your man into the arms of another woman. 
Have you been in a relationship that you had concrete proof your boyfriend cheated? Dad cheated on mom? That might explain some
of this. You sound like a nice person but all these insecurities are going to affect you forever if you don't get a handle on them now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Wow.
> 
> First off, the slap. What do you mean he "slapped" you? Did he hit you hard across the face? Swat you off? *
> No.*
> ...


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Here's an idea. For Christmas, buy your husband a few voice activated recorders. Set them up in your house and in the car. That way, both of you can have recordings of how crazy you are which can be shared with therapists, the cops, and divorce attorneys if it comes to that.
> 
> Would you be so crazy if you knew you were on tape?
> 
> Here's a hint: men don't like crazy. There's no quicker way to run your man off than being crazy. Just chill out and you'll notice things will get better.


*I know it would be very pitiful to hear myself like my husband hears me every time I am having an "attack*"...


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> Do you have other interests in life besides your husband? Do you work? Without knowing you at all, it sounds like you need to develop your own life and become a more independent person- that will make you much more attractive to him and you won't feel like the entire world would end if you weren't together.
> 
> *My routine:
> -Take our daughter with my moms, go to work from 9/5, go back home, talk a little with my hubby and be with my baby, prepare dinner or tomorrow's lunch, have lunch, take a shower and go to sleep.
> ...


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Venusina - pink_lady is right. You need to get out more, make friends, get a hobby, something! Maybe join a working mother's group. Even take one a night a week for yourself and meet up with friends. Making him the center of your thoughts is so unhealthy and will make you sick (both of you!). I understand insecurity and fear, really, but there comes a time when you know things have to change and it seems that you know that time is now. If this guy did all of those things before you got married then I can completely understand where some of your fears come from but there is nothing you can do to control his behaviors, only your own.

Get in to MC asap. If you can afford IC then that would be good too (o deal with your insecurities and fear). Your marriage will fail if things continue as they are. Also work on you and your interests. Wouldn't it feel good to concentrate on something else instead of what he is doing all the time?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Venusina said:


> This is what he does when we argue and I just can't stand it. But I am forcing myself to do the same. Stop talking. So far, I could shut up before "starting" just once. And It worked... pretty fine. I felt horrendous inside. And cry like a little baby while he was already sleeping, but the next morning everything was just fine.


Hon, you have 2 things going on:

1. Trying to stop destroying your relationship
2. Hating yourself

When I told you to stop talking, it will help you not lose your relationship. But you are going to have trouble finding lasting happiness with him or anyone if you don't start to value yourself. You literally put yourself down at every opportunity! 

You are the only person who will be with you from the day of your birth until the day of your death, so I hope you'll find a way to learn how to love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more love you will find in your life. The more you punish yourself, the more you'll be punished because you'll draw the exploiters to you. 

I don't know your personal history, but I'd lay odds that it included some pretty severe neglect, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or a combination of these. Who told you that you were "pitiful," "hard-headed," "never listening," or convinced you in some other way that you just weren't good enough - ever? 

Whoever that person was hurt you deeply and you're being loyal to him/her/them by continuing to tell yourself these things. Find a way to surround yourself with appreciative people. Volunteer with children, the elderly, or at your local hospital, for example. This will help you see what makes you a worthy person. Pay attention to the positive messages and repeat them to yourself over and over again. This is called "fake it till you make it." 

Use positive affirmations two or three times a day. If you don't know how to do them, you'll find simple instructions at Beat the Blues. 

Here are some other topics that I think could be helpful to you, too: 

How Can I Get a Man Who Treats Me Well?

Top 3 Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

Self-Defeating Personality Disorder


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Venusina said:


> Maybe my husband thinks the same.


In all seriousness my wife is a micromanaging control freak. Yesterday we had an argument because she was shouting at me to ignore the GPS instructions because 'she knows better'. First off, no she doesn't know better she has the worst sense of direction on the planet. Secondly, shut up, I'm driving. I ended up just throwing up my hands and telling her I'm not planning on ever listening to any of her instructions ever again. Whatever it is I'm going to probably ignore it. Which isn't actually the case, but my god just STFU STFU STFU STFU


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