# Is there such a thing as pathological wanting



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I apologize in advance for the length of this. My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married almost 16. Ever since I met him, I have been faithful and I believe he has too. We both work and have a business besides that. His work makes him be on the road for anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks at a time. In the past year, we have had a lot of financial trouble. He wants things all the time. I on the other hand, am a very content person. Not that I lack ambition, I just don't feel the desire for tangible things like he does. This and my desire to try to make him happy and give him everything he wanted brought us to near financial ruin. We have worked through that and are making our way out of it. Ultimately, I thought the whole ordeal, regardless of how terrible it was at the time, made us stronger.

Fast forward to the sex part. We have always had a pretty good sex life. Recently, in fact, we have added several new methods, toys, etc. I really don't say no to trying anything between the two of us. A couple weeks ago, he asked me to send him some sexy pictures. I said okay and did. I found out later that he showed them to the guy he works with and he showed some of his wife. Hers were much kore explicit than mine. In fact, she had sent them in a group text to both of them. I tried to roll with it. He even asked if I would send them directly to the other guy, to which I said no. I felt it was disrespectful to my husband to do that.

On his last weekend home, we did have great sex. He also brought up a threesome with another man. Not my cup of tea. Later, when he back on the road, he started asking about fantasies and it came out that he wants to "spice up" our sex life (granted I thought we already were) by allowing each other to explore other people. Says it's not cheating if we know. He even convinced me to hit up a great friend of ours, which I did after copious amounts of alcohol. Thankfully, nothing happened. But it is constant sex talk from him. His work partner sends me explicit text messages. My husband gets upset when i dont plant along. His partner has told him that he doesnt mind my husband using his wife and she's game. He even made the comment it he fooled around with the wife, he would want me to with the husband cause that's the only way it will work. He retracted that after I completely lost my ****. I think he has completed short circuited my brain with all this.

I have never had a problem with porn and sometimes enjoy it myself, but I think he has been using it way too much, and even admits this. I think he and the guy he works with are on the road alone a lot and thats all they talk about (I would not consider the other marriage in this a healthy one at all). I have a job and 2 kids to deal with while he's out there. I love sex, but I have to split my time. On the road, his biggest decision is what's for dinner. He has become almost hypersexualized, almost divorced from reality. Doesn't seem to understand that fantasy and reality dont always add up. In all this mess, I have probably also lost a dear friend and I am mad beyond belief about that. I dont make friends easily and I value loyalty. I feel like he is a completely different person. I wonder if he has replaced his constant want of physical things (that has already almost destroyed us once) with sexual ones. I don't want to divorce him, but I think he has a real problem. He has tried to make this about me and how it would turn him on to see me pleasured by another man, but I think it's really all about him.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

And here I won't even let another man ride my motorcycle...

Your husband has some serious problems and these are now yours as well. The fact that he is trying to pass you around to a friend as if you are a commodity belies a lack of respect and value for you. Don't let this worm pressure you into doing something you will surely regret later. Stand firm. 

Oh, and don't be too surprised if you discover that he has already been up to a lot more than you think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that it's not cheating if you both know what the other is doing Technically that's correct. However, why did he start pushing for this in the first place? I read that sometimes, when a man is cheating, he brings up the idea of an open marriage to his wife so that she will have sex with other men. That way she has no grounds to complain about his cheating.

Is this guy he works with his boss or just a co-worker? Your husband is in an unhealthy work environment. Generally when a man travels that much, he cheats. And it seems that his co-worker is more than happy to encourage your husband to follow this path. It's beyond weird that that his co-worker wants our husband to be sexual with his wife. And then your husband wants you to do the same with is co-worker. How big is the firm that they work for? What is the management like? Do you think that they would condone this type of behavior? 

I know that everywhere that I've worked, anyone doing this sort of thing would be fired as soon as management found out. If for no other reason, to protect the firm from sexual harassments lawsuits.

My take from what you said is that you husband has a problem with controlling compulsions. First it was material things. He quit that. Now it's about sex.

If you are not comfortable with all this, you need to be very clear to your husband about your feelings. 

If he were my husband, I would tell him that either he gets a new job with no travel so we could work on the relationship and be monogamous, or the marriage is over. Why? Because he's not going to stop pushing you to do things that you do not want to do until either you give in or your relationship completely falls apart.

By the way, very often, once the wife gives in and has sex with another man, her husband turns on her because he cannot handle her having sex with another man. Very few marriages can survive being open marriage. And wife/husband swapping with friends is way too personal and causes way too many problems.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Give in once and you keep giving.

Live by the morals you want your children to live by.

I struggle too.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your husband is a complete fool to think that you with another man is going to satiate him, he is crossing the line.
I would suggest you keep your head on straight and tell him he needs to cut this **** out otherwise you are going to cut him out. Seriously, why should you be made to feel as if you are not enough and there is something wrong with you?
Please see a lawyer and consider leaving him. 
If he is so highly sexualised it is a matter of time till he crosses the line (if he hasn't already ) and cheats on you and brings home a disease. Dump his ass.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Farmlady,

1)He has a significant problem with impulse control.

2)You have a problem with saying "*NO!*".

*It's okay to say no to things that involve both of you!*

If you put up a hard *no* on this, he will kick up a fuss and it will get significantly worse the longer you wait to do so. Yet, if you stick to your guns and he's a relatively good man he should figure out this is something he can live without. I won't go into his lack of maturity here, but if he can't accept that you don't want others in your life this way then he's not worth keeping. 

Reading for you... Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Best


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you don't want to divorce him,:circle: I'll just keep my mouth shut and fingers off the keyboard.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> By the way, very often, once the wife gives in and has sex with another man, her husband turns on her because he cannot handle her having sex with another man. Very few marriages can survive being open marriage. And wife/husband swapping with friends is way too personal and causes way too many problems.


No wiser words have been said. But besides it is sad to be devalued in such a way. Me a husband would never stand for. You may want to read up on cuckold males, and once they get their thrill they can't seem to live with there choice. Also hotwife website where they exchange partners. 

But not being a Dr or medical expert is really looks like your H suffers from some bipolar issues and over indulgence (manic episodes) in what ever fill his wishes that is presently into. Your H is also gullible and trust his emotions way too easily. That man needs some meds and so e physiology done to himself. 

This is one of the things that must be a hard line in your marriage if it is to survive. But unless you enjoy the feeling with your very close friend, watch out he will.play you and use you as sex toy, and you may even possibly grow feelings for him and leave your husband anyway. So one way is longer than the other but generally speaking it ends up in the same place Divorcing.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your post says to me that you have a really good head on your shoulders. You have evaluated the situation rationally and have come to some conclusions that make sense. However, you seem to want to give him the benefit of the doubt, which is probably not a good idea at this point. If I were you, I'd get to the bottom of the situation and decide accordingly. Don't be pressured into doing something you may regret the rest of your life. A lot of husbands would kill to have a wife like you who is open to new ideas and experimentation, but keep that attitude within the bounds of your marriage.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

None of his actions, the debt, the offering you out, the not listening to you, show respect for you... he is only focused on him.

When weak willed, we behave as the environment we are in... the strong will change their environment.

The rock may have to endure until the river changes it's course, but you do not... you have the ability to move yourself out of this unmindful torrent.

If he refuses individual counseling or makes light of all he can lose, you have your answer as hurtful as it will feel.

That is the thing about reality in such, it does hurt... because he cannot see it does not mean you have to stay in it.

Never allow yourself to be the fallout of another's unmindful desires... this is not love or kindness, by either of the parties.

Love yourself more even if he cannot.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

As far as the work dynamic, they are both basically independent contractors, so there is no coercion from a boss-employee standpoint. The work buddy and his wife have what I consider a very dysfunctional marriage. They have apparently been talking about swinging for a long time now. I have long suspected she had a thing for my husband but was afraid enough of me not to pursue it. Believe it or not, I am a fairly intimidating person. My husband claims not to have any attraction for her. Anything that happened would be out of convenience (complete BS I know). She is not overly attractive. In fact, I think his thoughts about her are related to the fact that she is almost completely opposite of me. Very submissive, insecure, easily influenced. I tend to be highly opinionated, comfortable in my own skin, and frankly, stubborn. My fidelity to him all these years has not been for lack of opportunity, but because I made a choice. I think that 2 guys on the road end up in a bubble so to speak and it's sex talk all the time and reality has taken a back seat.

The one and only reason I have not jumped straight to divorce is because of our history. This level of hypersexuality is not the norm. In fact he has always been more the missionary position type and I tend to be more adventurous. He also tends to be a follower. His father was an alcoholic who died when he was young, although the family refuses to admit that. I am thankful he did not take after that vein, but I think the compulsions are manifesting in different ways. I am not foolish enough to think nothing has happened, in fact, I suspect it has. Maybe not full blown sex, but something. I am willing to try to work through this transgression if he is willing to truly try. I have a lot of anger issues now because I have allowed him to push me into damaging a friendship and questioning my own worth. That is not fair and it is not right.

I think I knew my answer before I posted the question and I woke up this morning feeling more sure of it and you have all basically supported what I was already thinking. This is all about him and he's trying to make it about me to justify his own guilt and I can no longer play along. I cannot keep trying to please someone who cannot be content. It's his issue. I will help him work it out but no longer to the point it damages my psyche. I have felt like a split personality the last couple weeks and if something makes you feel this bad, it can't be good. He has to make a choice and the chips will fall where they may.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like your husband has some real problems with impulsive and compulsive behaviors - what is sometimes called an addictive personality. First it was compulsive shopping, now it's compulsive sexuality. It seems when one compulsion becomes untenable, he's simply switching to another compulsion. Next it might be compulsive gambling, smoking, drinking, drugs, adrenaline, work, sex or shopping again, or even some combination of any or all of those. Essentially, whatever he's into - there's really no such thing as _enough_. 

Honestly, I would handle this as if he were an addict. You have the choice to enable him or to stop enabling him. Me? I would stop enabling him and tell him that he either cuts it out, finds a job that keeps him home every night, and gets some help so you two can try to heal your marriage, or you'll be leaving. And then be truly prepared to leave if (when) he isn't interested in stopping. 

Because you can't change, fix, or control him. And until he's ready to change, fix and control _himself_, nothing you do will make a difference. 

A good rule of thumb for relationships: If someone is asking you to choose between making them happy and maintaining your own self-respect, you should choose *you* and your self-respect. Every. Single. Time.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is nothing wrong with having limits on the types of sexual activities you want, and many people (the substantial majority I believe) do not want sex that involves outside people. 

Its OK for him to have asked, but sharing pictures without clear permission, and pressuring you for a 3-some is completely out of line.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Farmlady, your husband, has a mind, easily malleable. That was in his making.

This tendency (of his) to be influenced by ones environment (and friends) is notable in many folks. Peer pressure is one such naming.

Some of my former posts (some not well accepted) will not permit me to get into the particulars as to why; the common psychological names and afflictions will suffice for the other influences, those 'outer' causes, I espouse.

Think of him, in a time and a place, with a friend who is bending your husbands will to his. 

He is being shaped, allowing himself to be molded, in this unacceptable manner.

*Not that your husband rebels or resists any of this.* 

Think: Birds of a feather, flock together. 
If you misspell flock, you get the picture.

He needs to get a new job, and at minimum, get rid of these people from his life.

Note: His actions are not likely going to stop. 

If you put your foot down and threaten divorce, he may change, outwardly change, and change his spoken wants and needs.

Real change, if it can be had, will be slow to occur in him.
To be truthful, meaningful change in him is an unlikely outcome. 

He is too far gone.

Let him go, start a new life without him.

He has been had and taken over by 'base' forces.
Those base forces are some, his own.
For sure..



THRD-


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

It seems like your husband has fallen under a very bad influence. Some of us are simply more prone to become followers than others. It wouldn't be the first time someone screws up their realtionship because they allow someone else to influence them in a negative way. I am hoping you can talk some sense into him. I really don't want you to become one of those reluctant wives that feel forced into the swinging lifestyle to keep your marriage going. I am not a swinger, but I have been in that environment, and I have seen the body language of women that are clearly not as into that lifestyle as their partner is. They looked very unhappy. Its also not cool for him to share your pics like that with strangers without your permission. If this isn't something you want you need to put your foot down, and he also needs to keep it to just business only with that co-worker. Hopefully he comes to his senses. 

Whatever you do, if its something you don't want to do, don't let him wear you down. On another note, even if it is something you wanted to do, the way he is going about it is all wrong. You don't swap with someone you're friends with. That way if it goes poorly. Neither of you ever have to see the person anymore, and emotions aren't involved.


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