# Heyo



## HopefullySeeking

I'm sooo glad I found this site. I'm in my mid 30s, 2 kids and going to be 10yrs married next yr. I'm the cold introvert and it's killing my spouse and our marriage. It sucks being the person that hurts another and I hope I can find some practical advice/tips to help me change my mindset/ways or else my marriage is doomed (because I'd rather leave than remain the same and kill someone else's spark or raise kids that learn how to reject a spouse the way I did).


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## minimalME

Welcome, fellow introvert. 🤗


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## Diana7

I am an introvert but definitely wouldnt describe myself as cold. How does it affect your husband? Can you be a little more specific? Its hard to give advise without knowing what you are like and how this is killing the marriage.


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## maquiscat

Agreed. There is no.one way to be an introvert. We need some more details.

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## HopefullySeeking

Where do I start... I didn't mean to say that introverts are cold, by no means. It's just that i am cold (at least with my husband) and also happen to be an introvert. I'm emotionally cold- i bottle, don't share my feelings, am very critical and exacting, anxious about how others perceive me and i guess one could say hyper-alert. I have the ability to shut down and close off and try to escape when overwhelmed. Whereas my husband is outgoing- think anything outdoorsy and sports related, big picture thinker that flies by his pants (is how it feels like to me), much much more easy going and spontaneous than I am and likes to talk to anyone and always seems to be looking for adventure. I feel like we're on two sides of the spectrum and I'm finding difficulty feeling... I dunno, like a cohesive unit. There's such dissonance. The dissonance leads to tension, which leads to arguing. And then holding back emotionally & mentally just to avoid arguments. And the cycle keeps going round & round. It's tiring. And I know it's eroding both of our personalities.


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## jlg07

HopefullySeeking said:


> It's just that i am cold (at least with my husband) and also happen to be an introvert. I'm emotionally cold- i bottle, don't share my feelings, am very critical and exacting, anxious about how others perceive me and i guess one could say hyper-alert. I have the ability to shut down and close off and try to escape when overwhelmed.


So the thing that jumps out here is the you say your are cold at least with your H. What about your kids, family, friends?
If you are NOT cold to them WHY are you like this with the person you are supposed to be the closest with in life?
WHY don't you share your feelings -- why can't you be vulnerable to your H? Is there something HE is doing that makes you feel that you can't share?

I would suggest that perhaps counseling for yourself would help YOU get to the bottom of WHY you act like this with him, and would give you better communications capabilities for yourself so that you can talk/connect better with him.

There really isn't any reason why him being an extrovert and you being an introvert means you can't get along. My parents were exactly like that -- my Dad was VERY outgoing, talked with everyone. My Mom was much more sedate and would be happy just reading, or doing crossword puzzles, etc.. They were happily married until they both passed... You CAN do this, but I think you need to understand the WHY of you doing this.


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## HopefullySeeking

That's the thing, I know it's me and my communication. At least i think it is. I think one of the reasons why i feel like I'm unable to share with him is that I don't feel safe and respected by him. He jumps in head first and I creep in slowly. From a physical/emotional stand point for example- he is an aggressive driver and it makes me feel really uncomfortable to weave in & out of traffic like Godzilla is on our tails. I mention it in the car, he has some excuse why it's okay to essentially skirt the rules and hpw he kept us safe. If I bring it up later he's like I should have never felt scared and that he's never gotten into an accident that was his fault, etc. He always seems to skirt by and push the limits to get his way for things that according to him should be non-issues or are nonsense rules. The excuses that he makes up can be endless and usually he says how I'm being ridiculous or how he got us out of an unsafe situation, etc. I feel like he's pretty much telling me that I shouldn't feel that way so just stop it. Also, he believes that people like me like to "make issues" with things. Yes, I have preferences but I don't think it's an issue or that. It's just when I think we're dealing with something that's neutral, like simply washing dishes with soap & not just rinsing with hot water I get blindsided by some nonsense excuse as to why I'm even finding a problem with him doing so. Over time the little things especially make me feel like I'm always on shifting sand with him. Is it wrong to want to feel secure with the basics with him? I feel as though how can I work on more complex issues with you when you seem to want to flip flop on what I thought were basic truths that we both held be it dishes, finances, religious beliefs, you get the point.


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## Laurentium

Hmm. The picture you paint in the most recent post is pretty much the opposite of the picture you paint in the first post. He doesn't sound extroverted so much as anxious and controlling.


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## MattMatt

Have you tried counselling, @HopefullySeeking?


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## HopefullySeeking

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. The picture you paint in the most recent post is pretty much the opposite of the picture you paint in the first post. He doesn't sound extroverted so much as anxious and controlling.


I would have never thought of it as controlling. It's all that I've ever known, he's my first and only. It's so difficult for me to find the words to describe all of him, he lacks consistency. I feel so overwhelmed all the time having to hold my tongue, but then I end up blowing up because naturally I can't hold it all together day in and day out. It has been almost 10yrs after all. One of his old friends that he calls a sister took me aside once and said that she finds him to be an overwhelming person but that he has a good heart. All I know is that lately I can tell that I feel so much resentment toward him and toward myself after all these years.


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## HopefullySeeking

MattMatt said:


> Have you tried counselling, @HopefullySeeking?


I have but it has been years until recently I got one again in desperation. In the past I was often dissuaded by him or life (finances). And this past time I finally got one that seemed promising but then realized that she was just not the right fit for me. We live a pretty mobile life (travel jobs), which is another hindrance to finding a counselor.


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## Diana7

Must admit that I would hate to be in the car with an aggressive driver. I think that you both need to get some good marriage counselling to learn better ways of communicating.


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## Laurentium

HopefullySeeking said:


> I want a place where I feel safe.


From him? 



> For example, I had a check up telemed appointment and while I was talking to my Doctor he stayed in the room and began trying to get my attention to suggest that I tell my physician something that he thought I should. If he did that during my individual counseling I think I would flip my lid and we would end up in a huge argument the day after each session. I just can't do it online. And especially not with him around. He just doesn't relent. Like right now, the only reason I can respond to this forum is because he's asleep.


That does sound very controlling. He wants to control what you say to your physician or an online forum. And you say you know that if you push back, it'll be a huge argument.


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## HopefullySeeking

Laurentium said:


> From him?
> 
> 
> 
> That does sound very controlling. He wants to control what you say to your physician or an online forum. And you say you know that if you push back, it'll be a huge argument.


Yes from him. And yes it ends up being a big argument because I get upset and say I don't want to talk about it at the moment (because I'm upset or the kids are around) and he goes into telling me about how I shouldn't be upset and how he was just trying to help and on an on. I stupidly respond in my anger saying something along the lines of how it's my choice and try to defend my decision and further try to get him to back off and leave it alone for now. He then tells me that I'm too defensive and that my tone of voice is wrong and that I shouldn't be upset with him for just trying to help. I usually restate how I told him to please back off and leave it alone until later (at this point I'm super upset because he just keeps talking and disrespecting the fact that I asked to not have the conversation at the time). I've even told him that we clearly don't communicate well when we have differences of opinion and so we should leave debates to more appropriate times (such as when the kids aren't around or schedule a time to address issues about us) or that we should go in a bedroom to talk. He then usually says that we never get back to it later or that if I had just talked to him like a normal person would have, then we would be on the same page and wouldn't raise our voices. I then go back to stating how clearly if anything I am not normal and so if he can just work with this abnormal poor communicator of a person and just meet me where I am. By this time we're yelling in front of the kids which makes me even more upset because this is exactly what I was trying to prevent in the first place. If I ignore him then he will get in my face and keep talking until I respond. If I try to run and leave he will follow me outside and keep talking (loudly). If I don't run and try to address the kids who are clearly witnessing this all then he just keeps talking and tries to get me to look at him but pulling my face to him or touching me. It can then get physical- my shoving him to move out of my way, him pushing back or trying to hold me still to talk to him. And then I flip out because not only do I feel mentally boxed in but then he tries to also physically box me in. Just rehashing these events in my mind makes me break out in a sweat from adrenaline.


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## maquiscat

HopefullySeeking said:


> Yes from him. And yes it ends up being a big argument because I get upset and say I don't want to talk about it at the moment (because I'm upset or the kids are around) and he goes into telling me about how I shouldn't be upset and how he was just trying to help and on an on. I stupidly respond in my anger saying something along the lines of how it's my choice and try to defend my decision and further try to get him to back off and leave it alone for now. He then tells me that I'm too defensive and that my tone of voice is wrong and that I shouldn't be upset with him for just trying to help. I usually restate how I told him to please back off and leave it alone until later (at this point I'm super upset because he just keeps talking and disrespecting the fact that I asked to not have the conversation at the time). I've even told him that we clearly don't communicate well when we have differences of opinion and so we should leave debates to more appropriate times (such as when the kids aren't around or schedule a time to address issues about us) or that we should go in a bedroom to talk. He then usually says that we never get back to it later or that if I had just talked to him like a normal person would have, then we would be on the same page and wouldn't raise our voices. I then go back to stating how clearly if anything I am not normal and so if he can just work with this abnormal poor communicator of a person and just meet me where I am. By this time we're yelling in front of the kids which makes me even more upset because this is exactly what I was trying to prevent in the first place. If I ignore him then he will get in my face and keep talking until I respond. If I try to run and leave he will follow me outside and keep talking (loudly). If I don't run and try to address the kids who are clearly witnessing this all then he just keeps talking and tries to get me to look at him but pulling my face to him or touching me. It can then get physical- my shoving him to move out of my way, him pushing back or trying to hold me still to talk to him. And then I flip out because not only do I feel mentally boxed in but then he tries to also physically box me in. Just rehashing these events in my mind makes me break out in a sweat from adrenaline.


Part of the help you need is communications training. Check out Touch of Flavor. They do a lot of teaching about communication. The skills work whether you're poly or monogamous.


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