# Inappropriate female friend?



## AnnaK (Jul 2, 2012)

Hi. Quick question here:

My husband an I have been married for 6 years. A year ago, we moved across the country so he could go to school. He has made many friends in school, which is fine but there is this woman that is rubbing me the wrong way. I've had issues with similar situations before and he has cut off the friend but thrown it back in my face repeatedly. This is why she rubs me the wrong way:

1. I'd never met her and he was discussing issues such as my job situation with her. I found this out because I was looking at his Facebook and he discussed it with her in a private message.

2. A few weeks ago I finally met her at a school function. She was nice but condescending. She went out of her way to point out she knows things about me and I know nothing about her. At one point, I was talking to another person while my husband listened and she ran up and whispered in his ear. It just didn't sit well with me.

3. Today he left his phone at home and I found out by looking through his text messages that not only does he meet her to study but also she brings him lunch. 

4. About a week ago, I got fired. I couldn't leave my job because we only have one vehicle and he had it. I called and called and he never answered. I finally got my friend to come get me. When he finally answered he said that he had been with his boss. Through the texts I found out he was actually at her house, helping her fix her internet. So he straight up lied about it.

5. If I confront him about this, he will say I don't trust him and turn it around on me which is what he has done before. I don't really want to start anything because my mother in law is coming to visit this week and I don't want anything going on while she's here.

6. Finally, he texted her to say Spanish class isn't the same without her and to wish her a safe trip. Oh yeah, and she is getting divorced because her much older husband cheated on her so when I bring her up (and I am very careful not to be negative and to keep it casual) he says she needs friends right now. 

Am I paranoid or should I be worried?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You need to be VERY worried.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Be worried.


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## AnnaK (Jul 2, 2012)

Specifically why should I be worried? More background: his dad was a cheater and my husband is very against that. He has always said he would never lie to me, but now he is. I really don't know what to do here.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Meh, liars always say "I don't lie" or "I would never cheat on you!". When someone has to point out they don't do XYZ bad behavior, they're usually the first to do it.

Example: Ex-boyfriend "I'd never cheat" found out a year and a half later he cheated on me from almost the start. Yeah....

You need to worry because he appears to be having an EA with her, has lied to you about things involving her, hides things involving her and possibly already had a PA with her.

Be very worried.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

My husband EA started with just helping her out as a friend. She was telling him about her abusive relationship etc and my H said she needed someone to talk to and this was only after weeks of befriended each other on FB; they use to work with each other. It then spiralled into texting hundreds of messages to each other and meeting up to talk to her about her problems. My thoughts on this is..surely she has closer friends that could help her and not a married man. Be very worried, I was made out to be non caring etc when I voiced my concerns. They are on the road to an EA and PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

since my fiancé was caught up in an EA, I am now very interested in situations like yours.

the possibilities here are

1. She just likes the attention and has no intention of having a PA with your husband. But still that's not good. He will be prioritising her over you. Scarce resources like time and money (as you already exprienced with his time at her place) will be allocated first to her before he even thinks of you.
Has he yet told you that something is not affordable on the household budget. Do you feel that that was a reasonable assessment or were you wondering where the money went?

2. She may be interested in a PA with your husband but only for the short term. Particularly, if she's single and younger, and just finishing an advanced degree, whatever her real prospects are, I am sure she thinks that she can do better than your husband and he's just a fling for her.
My fiance's EA is 11 years younger than he is, 29 at the time. Even though she said herself that she needed to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30, my fiancé was just a play toy for her. She eventually dated for over a year another guy who was also 40 years old and working on his divorce.

3. She may be planning to run off into the sunset with your husband. 

the cure for the common adultery, whether EA or PA, is to pull up stakes; let him know that there is no safety net should this woman turn out to be nothing more than a short term fling or some bunny boiler. I solved my problems with my fiancé by telling him that if he needed a "special friend" he could have one but then I would become a "special friend" which would give me the time and freedom to shop around for a real partner.

Don't fall the "I need space routine." If he wants a separation , let him know he has two choices, your marriage can continue as is or you two can get a divorce. Separation is his opportunity to buy time and to shop around. who wants sloppy seconds?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

You should be very concerned. In addition to what has already been said:

1.	She is not a friend of the marriage. Her actions look to be intentionally divisive.
2.	Your husband is escalating contact with her and not informing you.
3.	Your husband is lying to you about the time he spends with her. 

He may legitimately feel that he is doing nothing wrong but he is already involved in an Emotional Affair (EA) with the woman. To complicate it she seems predatory. Your husband needs to be educated on EAs and appropriate boundaries with other people. In addition you should take steps to monitor his communication with her as you have been doing but step it up before you confront him. Then you need to have him be transparent with you on all communication (passwords, email, facebook etc). He should probably go no contact with her since she is probably predatory.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I'd raise hell. I'd tell him that he is behaving inappropriately and he has a choice to make. Stop the BS with the beetch or get ready for divorce proceedings. Things that make it inappropriate: he straight up lied to you about time spent with her, she did not behave respectfully towards you when you met her, you don't like her. Each of those reasons are enough, on their own, to make it inappropriate for him to be spending any time with her. 

Based on his lie about not being available when you needed him, and the real story you found out on your own about not answering your calls when he was at her house fixing her internet...I'd bet he was getting physical with her. Why would he not be able to take a 5 minute break from doing this woman's chores to answer a call from his wife? I'm sorry.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He has already lied about spending time alone at HER house. She has already shown that she can disrespect you right in front of him and he thinks nothing of it. This is an EA.

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, you need to educate yourself. Also check the cell phone bill ONLINE, I'm sure their calls and texting minutes will show (via time of day and amount) that she is an enemy of your marriage and you'd better take a strong stand NOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

AnnaK said:


> 4. About a week ago, I got fired. I couldn't leave my job because we only have one vehicle and he had it. I called and called and he never answered. I finally got my friend to come get me. When he finally answered he said that he had been with his boss. Through the texts I found out he was actually at her house, helping her fix her internet. So he straight up lied about it.


So he chose alone time with her and left you hanging when you needed ride home,and about him saying how you don't trust him if you bring anything up well you have a reason to not trust him.When someone lies to you how can you trust them,he doesn't deserve your trust if he keeps lying.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You should be very worried.

If she can disrespect you to your face at a function you're attending with your husband, she is much more than a friend to him. She feels secure in his affections. They have an alliance and you're the enemy.

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Do this quiz on behalf of your husband or better yet get him to do it if you can. 

Dr. Shirley Glass - Quiz: Has Your Friendship Become an Emotional Affair?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

If you could magically look into both of their minds, and discover that their wasn't anything "going on", I would still consider the relationship inappropriate. He is giving her things that rightfully belong to you. Now, back to the real world, I agree with everyone else here who says EA. Shut it down now!!! What are the circumstances where he "throws it back in your face?"


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

It is wrong 100% wrong. I cant believe he actually had you 2 in a situation where you were introduced. As far as him turning it around and saying you dont trust him...WELL YOU DONT TRUST HIM. He is lying to you. Do you have any family/friends from where you used to live that will let you stay with them while you get on your feet? Im so sorry you are going through this.


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## Liveagoodlife (Jun 8, 2012)

he is lying to you about their relationship,

she is disrespecting you right in front of him, and he did nothing about it? its almost like she is taunting you,

yes i would be very concerned about this if i were you, their actions seem to go far beyond co-workers/friendship


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## zeta (Jun 14, 2012)

He's having an affair probably an emotional affair. Most men don't consider it "cheating" because it isn't physical but emotional affairs are WAY worse.


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## AnnaK (Jul 2, 2012)

Latigo said:


> If you could magically look into both of their minds, and discover that their wasn't anything "going on", I would still consider the relationship inappropriate. He is giving her things that rightfully belong to you. Now, back to the real world, I agree with everyone else here who says EA. Shut it down now!!! What are the circumstances where he "throws it back in your face?"


He had another female friend who was a long-time friend (former roommate) way before he met me. She made me exceedingly uncomfortable and he cut her off completely. He throws that in my face every so often. 

So I finally discussed this with him yesterday and he was livid. He said that it was disrespectful for me to go through his phone. I told him that if he has nothing to hide why does it bother him and he said that wasn't the point. He doesn't think that not mentioning that he was at her house is lying. He says that he didn't even think to mention it because it wasn't important. He also told me that he made a promise to me (to be faithful) that he won't break and if I am questioning his integrity, I need to leave because he won't be with someone who doesn't trust him and that I'm paranoid, insecure and jealous and that he is through letting me dictate who can and can't be his friend. I am really numb about this right now. I'm going to play nice while my mil is her but after that, I may just get a plane ticket home. He refuses to see that he is at fault here and doesn't believe he did anything wrong. I literally don't know how to react to that.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

AnnaK said:


> He had another female friend who was a long-time friend (former roommate) way before he met me. She made me exceedingly uncomfortable and he cut her off completely. He throws that in my face every so often.
> 
> So I finally discussed this with him yesterday and he was livid. He said that it was disrespectful for me to go through his phone. I told him that if he has nothing to hide why does it bother him and he said that wasn't the point. He doesn't think that not mentioning that he was at her house is lying. He says that he didn't even think to mention it because it wasn't important. He also told me that he made a promise to me (to be faithful) that he won't break and if I am questioning his integrity, I need to leave because he won't be with someone who doesn't trust him and that I'm paranoid, insecure and jealous and that he is through letting me dictate who can and can't be his friend. I am really numb about this right now. I'm going to play nice while my mil is her but after that, I may just get a plane ticket home. He refuses to see that he is at fault here and doesn't believe he did anything wrong. I literally don't know how to react to that.


The fact that he became "livid" is a sign that he is too attached to the OW. If he could give up his previous friend then it should be a big deal with one he barely knows. Thus there is more attachment there than he is letting you know about.

You are not questioning his integrity, you are protecting your marriage. Even people who have no intent to have an affair can find themselves sliding down the slope by making bad boundary decisions (like he has shown) which eventually becomes an EA. Many don't recognize it as such until its too late if at all.

You should let him know that his actions are him choosing another woman over his wife and that is not what a marriage is about. How would he feel if you did that with another man? If he is willing to through away the marriage because of this it is proof that he is way too attached to her. It may have been an idle threat or it may not have been. He could be deep in the fog.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

AnnaK said:


> ...that he is through letting me dictate who can and can't be his friend.


That would be enough for me right there. Actually that, plus the lie about fixing the internet at her house. Classic cheater response when confronted...go on the offensive to make the accuser back down. Sorry, this POS is choosing his "friend" over his wife at the moment. Hope he wakes up soon.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Everything he said and his reactions are HUGE RED FLAGS

He is protecting that friendship over his marriage and sees you, his WIFE as the enemy!

You are going to have to decide if you want to stay married to someone who does not have very strong committment and loyalty. At least as much as it takes to be and stay married. 

Think about what your next course of action will be. if he won't give up the friend, your marriage WILL NOT SURVIVE. If he won't cut contact to work on the marriage, you need to lay down consequences. He is not giving his friend up b/c there have never been any consequences for his actions. He just thinks he can push you around and get away with it. 

You have to figure out what you want out of marriage and out of your partner. If his actions are NOT WHAT YOU WANT then you need to address this asap.

The longer you go not addressing it, the more damage it is doing to your marriage. 

And the more irate and angry he gets, the deeper this relationship with this "friend" is.....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

AnnaK said:


> So I finally discussed this with him yesterday and he was livid. He said that it was disrespectful for me to go through his phone. I told him that if he has nothing to hide why does it bother him and he said that wasn't the point.


 You did nothing wrong. Your right to know the truth about your marraige trumps his right to privacy because other than when you are in the bathroom, married people have no right to privacy from each other.



AnnaK said:


> He doesn't think that not mentioning that he was at her house is lying. He says that he didn't even think to mention it because it wasn't important.


 It was lying when he told you that he was with his boss instead of telling you that he was alone with her at her house. He thought to tell you a lie that he was with his boss because he knows what he was doing was wrong.



AnnaK said:


> He also told me that he made a promise to me (to be faithful) that he won't break and if I am questioning his integrity, I need to leave because he won't be with someone who doesn't trust him and that I'm paranoid, insecure and jealous and that he is through letting me dictate who can and can't be his friend.


 He did not just vow to be faithful but he also made a vow to put you before all others. By putting his relationship with the other women (OW) before you he is breaking this vow. And no as a married man he does not have a right to be fiends with the OW when you feel that the OW has an interest in being more than just friends with him. He is calling your bluff. He told you that if he cannot do what he wants with the OW he wants you to leave. The fact that he told you this means that he is already in at least an emotional affair (EA) if not a physical affair (PA). It may already be too late since the OW is ending her marraige, possibly for your husband, but your best chance at saving your marraige long term is to book a plane right now and leave. If he does not stop you from getting on the plane then you know your answer, that he has chosen the OW over you. 



AnnaK said:


> I'm going to play nice while my mil is her but after that, I may just get a plane ticket home. He refuses to see that he is at fault here and doesn't believe he did anything wrong. I literally don't know how to react to that.


 You are doing the exact opposite of what you should do. Do not play nice. You need to fight for your marraige right now. Expose this to the MIL as she may be able to help you break him out of the fog. Tell her that you are booking a plane to leave because there cannot be 3 in a marraige. Let him try to explain his side to his mom.

You need to accept that the marraige may be over and be thankful that you found out before you had children with this cheater.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****Your right to know the truth about your marraige trumps his right to privacy because other than when you are in the bathroom, married people have no right to privacy from each other.****

You should also remember the investment that both partners make to an exclusive committed relationship. If you stay true to monogamy (which is a sacrifice) then so should he. And if he doesn't, then you should know about it as soon as it happens.

No one should ever get monogamy without ever giving it back.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> ****Your right to know the truth about your marraige trumps his right to privacy because other than when you are in the bathroom, married people have no right to privacy from each other.****
> 
> You should also remember the investment that both partners make to an exclusive committed relationship. If you stay true to monogamy (which is a sacrifice) then so should he. And if he doesn't, then you should know about it as soon as it happens.
> 
> No one should ever get monogamy without ever giving it back.


Exactly.

Anna - Don't make someone a priority who treats you as an option. Right now you are an option to him while you're making him a priority. Begging, crying, pleading, asking him to make promises all make you look weak and make her the other woman look much more appealing. Take a stand. Stay calm. Don't get upset. Make him decide ..it's you or her, AND have consequences for it (i.e. you're leaving). Please read the book I recommended ("Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass). That book has more information about what to do and what not to do.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Anna - 

I agree with everything that's been said. Wake up to what's going on here. This is a definite EA and before long I guarantee you it will be more. Listen to all of these people immediately.

The fact that he told you that YOU need to leave if you don't trust him is a giant red flag. The appropriate response is that trust is earned and that he isn't earning it. If he feels so strongly about this woman that's not his wife, he can leave...NOW.


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