# Considering a sexless marriage



## aerodynamic (Jan 4, 2016)

Hi there,
My wife and I have been married for 11 years, have a young child, and we are generally great together. But over the past few years, our sex life has become so sporadic that it has become an issue. 

We often go over a month without sex and when we do have it, it is just a quickie. And to be honest, I do not enjoy quickies at all. I know she only offers it because she knows it has been awhile, and I comply only because I know it will make her feel better. Especially with how infrequent our sex life is, I feel like I need something more exciting, like lingerie and more oral, etc. I tell her and occassionally, maybe once or twice a year, we have great sex. But I want it much more frequently and I can say, after repeated discussions, it is just not going to happen.

The thing is, during my wife's pregnancy and for awhile after, she did not want to have sex so we went without sex for about 11 months. During this time, there was no chance of sex, and I took care of myself and quite frankly, life was less stressful.

I am considering proposing to simply have a sexless marriage. I casually mentioned it to her and I know she has a marginal preference to having a little quickie sex than to have no sex, though she could live with no sex. For me, I would love to have frequent great sex than no sex, but I think I prefer no sex over very sporadic quickie sex (and once in a blue moon great sex). The current situation leaves me anxious all the time, wondering when we will have sex. Too much uncertainty and too frequent disappointments. Quite frankly, the pressure of having a good sex life is starting to be distracting to my everyday life. I just want it out of my life.

Obviously I would also be disappointed with a sexless marriage, but I think I can live with that disappointment if my day to day life is better. I enjoy taking care of myself. For her, I think she will be okay with it and may find she prefers a sexless marriage.

My only fear is that we are going to ruin our marriage. Does a marriage need sexual intimacy? If so, I NEED a better and more frequent sex life because the current situation is very hard on me. And I just know it is not going to get better. Can a sexless agreement possibly save our marriage? It sounds counterintuitive but there is a part of me that thinks life can be better for us if we go down this path.

I am interested in hearing thoughts on this. Thanks so much for reading.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

My partner's sexual desires evaporated two days after we found out she was pregnant. We are still navigating her desires postpartum, but it is still quite early. I don't know if it is appropriate to say I've been there, when I still am there in (only) some aspects. I believe strongly that a relationship needs that intimacy. I also believe that she (your wife) wishes she needed it. The worse thing you can do is give up, because other parts of the relationship most likely will suffer. What I advise is for you to drop all discussions of the "lack" of sex. Instead, focus on the emotional environment that is conducive to sex. Give love, affection, and cuddle. Initiate intimate moments without the expectation that it must escalate. Just enjoy the intimacy for what it is, with or without penetration. Then COMMUNICATE. When you two have full respect and acceptance for one another, there is no secret or truth that can't be known. I told my partner that I do have a lot of sexual desire and understand that her hormonal and physical barriers prevent hers from being as high. I have such an incredible bond with my partner that she appreciated the communication and was actually relieved/positively surprised. I get taken care of with different methods. I'm happy and fulfilled. She is happy. 

Again, focus entirely on building intimacy in your marriage, with sex being indirectly in your sights. Much ground can be gained by re-kindling the incredible romance that once existed.

Relationship Teacher


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

So sorry! You are too young to go the sexless marriage route. You will never be (and rightly so) satisfied with that choice. You deserve better. 

What does your wife say about the lack of interesting sex? Is she too tired? Overworked? Depressed? Embarrassed by baby weight gain? Does she feel like you value her opinions and feelings? Do you go on dates and/or do you initiate nice little surprises for her? Do you do a fair share of the work around the house? 

Does she admit this is a problem? Does she want things to be different? Is she willing to go to counseling? Is she willing to experiment with new ways to get in the mood? I she willing to spend time just cuddling or giving each other a massage? Does she know what you mean by having "great sex?"

Good luck. You don't deserve a sexless marriage!


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## aerodynamic (Jan 4, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Again, focus entirely on building intimacy in your marriage, with sex being indirectly in your sights. Much ground can be gained by re-kindling the incredible romance that once existed.
> 
> Relationship Teacher


Thanks for the advice, and I certainly am not completely ready to give up. But I have gone down this path multiple times over the past 11 years, and whereas I like the idea of not worrying about whether intimacy will escalate, but I think it is impossible not to be hoping for a better sexual relationship to develop out of it. 



RosaParks said:


> So sorry! You are too young to go the sexless marriage route. You will never be (and rightly so) satisfied with that choice. You deserve better.


Thanks for the reply. I will try to answer all of your questions.

_"What does your wife say about the lack of interesting sex? Is she too tired? Overworked? Depressed? Embarrassed by baby weight gain?" _
- She is okay with very little sex, but occasionally she puts in the effort to spice things up. But it just leads to an effort to work on it that eventually fizzles back to where it was. 
- Overworked and depressed? No. She has a pretty good daily schedule and she is always in good spirits. Really enjoys being a Mom. 
- If she is embarrassed by baby weight gain, she shouldn't. And I tell her as such... I tell her she looks sexier than ever.

_Does she feel like you value her opinions and feelings? Do you go on dates and/or do you initiate nice little surprises for her? Do you do a fair share of the work around the house? _
- Admittedly we hardly do date nights. It is tough when a young child.
- I think she feels I value her opinions and feelings. I consider myself very sensitive to her feelings. 
- I do often surprise her with gifts.
- Fair share of work around the house? For sure, and including raising our daughter, I easily do more than my fair share. To be honest, I think I am the one that is overtired, because in hopes of improving her libido, I have always gone above and beyond in regards to taking care of our little one and making our house comfortable. 

_Does she admit this is a problem? Does she want things to be different? Is she willing to go to counseling? Is she willing to experiment with new ways to get in the mood? I she willing to spend time just cuddling or giving each other a massage? Does she know what you mean by having "great sex?"_
- She certainly knows how to spice it up when she wants to, and she certainly knows what I like. She admits it is a problem because it is a problem for me, not because she has a problem with it. I do not think she wants things different. Counseling is something we never tried, and I am not sure either of want to go through with it. It is not out of the question but I think we generally communicate well, and we are not optimistic that a counselor can help us.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

aerodynamic said:


> Thanks for the advice, and I certainly am not completely ready to give up. But I have gone down this path multiple times over the past 11 years, and whereas I like the idea of not worrying about whether intimacy will escalate, but I think it is impossible not to be hoping for a better sexual relationship to develop out of it.
> 
> .


When you change your approach, sexual fulfillment necessarily comes along with it. It is almost like saying that expecting to have zero sex leads to a lot of sex. Expectations are relationship killers. Don't try to force it or make it happen. Let it happen. 

Romance.

Relationship Teacher


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Without sexual intimacy, your marriage will become a shell of what it should be.

It is not at all unusual for women to lose their libido during and, particularly, after having a child.

The trick is, does your wife understand that this is a problem for you? Is she under the impression that the occasional quickie is enough for you?

You need to make her understand that, for you, it isn't just about "getting off"; it's how you maintain your emotional attachment to her. If she thinks it's just about getting off, you won't get anywhere.

If she understands how big of a problem this is for you, loves you, cares about your happiness and is concerned about the effect sexlessness might have on the marriage, then she should be willing to work with you as a part of a team.

So, you need to make sure that she understands the gravity of the situation.

If she does, then you're halfway home. The main thing for her to understand is that she has likely lost her spontaneous desire but still is capable of responsive desire (and may still regain her previous libido at some point). In other words, she can still enjoy sex with you if she is willing to trust that she'll usually get in the mood if she can find a way to get started.

If she doesn't believe that there's a problem or believes that there is a problem but is unwilling to work in it, then I'd just go the sexless route. I agree that it would be a lot less damaging to you than always wondering when it will happen next. Also, it's not much fun when she's obviously just doing the minimum to keep the marriage together. 

If you choose to do this, I would inform her that sex is off the table because it's just too painful for you. Let her know that you fear for the health of the marriage; that'll you'll do what you can to stay attached but that you can't make any promises.

Many here will tell you that you need to "man up" to regain her attraction for you. But, since this only started happening with the pregnancy, I don't think it's because you've changed or become any less attractive.

Whatever you do, don't whine about not getting sex. That's about the most un-attractive thing you can do. Luckily it seems that you've already figured out that that isn't a good place to be.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I will slightly disagree. I think you SHOULD initiate a sexless marriage. Not permanently. But for now.

While doing so, continue to be a caring husband. Also, do the standard TAM program of kicking it up a notch at work, at the gym, and in regards to your personal hygiene. Be the most attractive version of you that you can be. One of 2 things will happen: either your wife will suddenly take a renewed interest in you or she won't. If she does, then she will be initiating sex and you have solved the problem. If she doesn't, then you know she wants a sexless marriage and you have a difficult decision to make. As with most here, I would NOT suggest you make your marriage sexless permanently. If she fails to show any interest after 3 to 6 months of you rocking things at work and in the gym and treating her lovingly despite the absence of sex then at your age I suggest you leave her and find someone else who IS interested in having sex with you on a regular basis.

See, the one way to prove that your marriage isn't "all about sex" for you is to take sex off the table. then you can prove conclusively that you are capable of being a great husband even if sex is off the table. the problem for her is that you don't WANT to be a great husband married to someone who doesn't have sex with you. So if she doesn't step up her game after you take sex off the table and step up your game, you should quit her team and go play with someone else.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

aerodynamic said:


> - She certainly knows how to spice it up when she wants to, and she certainly knows what I like. *She admits it is a problem because it is a problem for me, not because she has a problem with it. *I do not think she wants things different. Counseling is something we never tried, and I am not sure either of want to go through with it. It is not out of the question but I think we generally communicate well, and we are not optimistic that a counselor can help us.


Well, the bolded is the issue. She doesn't see it as her problem, so there is no incentive to change. Also add in the fact from what you have posted, you surprise her with gifts, you value her opinion, and do your fair share of house work. Honestly, sounds like she hit the jackpot, she doesn't have to put much effort in at all or worry about meeting your needs since it sounds like her needs are met unconditionally... 

Don't mean to sound harsh, I can completely relate to going through these stretches (we have 3 young kids). With each kid the time we went without having sex just got longer and longer, to the point where once a month was the norm (where for me at that point I would rather not have sex). With my wife though, it wasn't an issue of drive, she just had/has a very difficult time separating the mommy aspect from the wife aspect. We have talked about this, tried to make changes, and it is slowly paying off (the quality of sex is significantly better, just trying to get more consistent, 2016 is off to a bang lol). 

I know everyone is different, but I need a healthy sex life to feel connected to my wife. When we go stretches without I become very disconnected/distant from her. This will eventually become frustration/resentment which is never good in a relationship. Are you concerned that if you go the "sexless" route that you will eventually develop resentment towards your wife?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

aerodynamic said:


> _Does she admit this is a problem? Does she want things to be different? Is she willing to go to counseling? Is she willing to experiment with new ways to get in the mood? I she willing to spend time just cuddling or giving each other a massage? Does she know what you mean by having "great sex?"_
> - She certainly knows how to spice it up when she wants to, and she certainly knows what I like. She admits it is a problem because it is a problem for me, not because she has a problem with it. I do not think she wants things different. Counseling is something we never tried, and I am not sure either of want to go through with it. It is not out of the question but I think we generally communicate well, and we are not optimistic that a counselor can help us.
> .


Now that I see that you've "been down this road several times", you may want to try my prior recommendations ONE more try. If that doesn't work (and it almost certainly won't), then you'll probably have to look into destabilizing the marriage. If you have any trouble deprioritizing her and her needs, remember that she has already demonstrated that she doesn't give a sh!t about yours.

The "Man up and make yourself attractive to her" option might have a chance if you think she's worth the effort.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Really? 

You're willing to live a life of forced celibacy forever because this ONE woman doesn't want to have sex with you?

Wow.

That's no place to be, man. And not a loving response -- for anyone.


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## aerodynamic (Jan 4, 2016)

Buddy400,
Thanks for the very understanding post. It is very helpful. 

Honestly, it is very difficult to pinpoint exactly where we are in terms of understanding. I am going to go ahead say this though: she occasionally understands the gravity of the situation and that it is a problem. The issue is that over time, the understanding wears off and it is almost like she has to get a reminder. And this is where things get difficult... expecting a permanent change for something that, in my opinion, just isn't happening without constant reminders. And I hate nagging and reminding the same thing over and over, especially in regards to sex.

Also, we have had a history of incompatible sex drives that got worse with pregnancy, so it has been an issue we have worked on. I do agree with those that say it is important to maintain attraction, and I will say that I am much more in shape today than I was when we first met. 

I am very glad to get some understanding on the "sexless marriage" option. Not that I am simply wanting confirmation, but the fact is: I am VERY aware of the universal opinion that sex is vital in a marriage. My purpose of starting this post is to consider the possibility that a marriage can still succeed without it. Any perspective on it is very helpful. So thanks again.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If you take sex off the table entirely, yes, eventually you will start to feel frustration and resentment toward your wife. However, please understand that this is a desirable outcome. If you are going to stay married to someone who has no interest in having sex with you (not even "just" to help you be happy) then you SHOULD feel angry and frustrated. And your spouse should justifiably fear this outcome. If your spouse doesn't care if you get angry or frustrated or resentful, and only cares that you bring home your paycheck and help with chores, then there is zero chance you will be happily married to your spouse. In that case, becoming angry, frustrated and resentful is as good a way as any to motivate yourself to get the heck out of that marriage.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She doesn't like to perform oral sex on you? or doesn't like oral sex at all? Yes, a marriage needs intimacy. My husband I and went for 4 years without sex due to a medical condition he had and it really does change your relationship. I felt like we were roommates raising children together. We are able to have sex now and I notice a difference in how we treat one and other. You will loose that emotional bond that people need. What do they say that men need sex to feel loved? You won't feel loved if you stop having sex and your marriage won't survive. You will feel resentment.

During that time I read some sexless marriage forums and most of the posts were from men about the lack of sex from their wives. Most of them were just sticking around until their children were off to college and then they plan to divorce. They all had many talks with their wives but nothing every changed. Are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this, having quick emotionless sex once a month? There might come a time when you want more than what your wife will give you and then you will have to make a decision. I think giving up and living in a sexless marriage is a bad idea, because of what it will do to your marriage and it gives her an easy way out. She needs to realize how important sex and intimacy is to you and to step out of her comfort zone and have more meaningful sex and more often to make you happy.


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## aerodynamic (Jan 4, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Well, the bolded is the issue. She doesn't see it as her problem, so there is no incentive to change. Also add in the fact from what you have posted, you surprise her with gifts, you value her opinion, and do your fair share of house work. Honestly, sounds like she hit the jackpot, she doesn't have to put much effort in at all or worry about meeting your needs since it sounds like her needs are met unconditionally...
> 
> Don't mean to sound harsh, I can completely relate to going through these stretches (we have 3 young kids). With each kid the time we went without having sex just got longer and longer, to the point where once a month was the norm (where for me at that point I would rather not have sex). With my wife though, it wasn't an issue of drive, she just had/has a very difficult time separating the mommy aspect from the wife aspect. We have talked about this, tried to make changes, and it is slowly paying off (the quality of sex is significantly better, just trying to get more consistent, 2016 is off to a bang lol).
> 
> I know everyone is different, but I need a healthy sex life to feel connected to my wife. When we go stretches without I become very disconnected/distant from her. This will eventually become frustration/resentment which is never good in a relationship. Are you concerned that if you go the "sexless" route that you will eventually develop resentment towards your wife?


I am sure I will develop some resentment as I already have. But I want to raise our child together and she is my best friend even though there are issues. 

I guess I am just willing to live with resentment and disappointment, and just want my day-to-day life to be better. And I really want to keep my family together. I don't want to divorce and if I did, I would not be in a rush to remarry.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

" What I advise is for you to drop all discussions of the "lack" of sex. Instead, focus on the emotional environment that is conducive to sex. Give love, affection, and cuddle. Initiate intimate moments without the expectation that it must escalate. Just enjoy the intimacy for what it is, with or without penetration. "

Yep, do this and prepare for it to never get better, and you have a bad case of blue ball$. 

I love the "just give them more of what they want even tho they could care less about you, maybe they will give you a scrap now and then" approach.

geez.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Aero: Also, if your wife is mostly SAHM and you earn the bulk of the income, realize that time is NOT on your side. The longer you stay married and the more you earn, the more you will have to pay for your freedom. Waiting until the kids are out of school means that divorce will be fantastically expensive for you, not just in legal fees but in support you will owe your wife after the marriage ends. That is why I suggested resolving this in 3 to 6 months. Doesn't add much to the "time served" by her. The longer she stays married to you, the more of your income she is entitled to after the divorce, and the longer period of time she will receive it. So the more patient and generous you are, the more your good deeds will cost you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It all goes back to expectations and what needs will be met in the marriage that makes it appealing. Men want sex and and women generally want to be taken care of, money, status etc. So if it's ok to take completely away what a man is suppose to get why not take away what the woman is supposed to get. If I were you, I would quit paying everything, quit my job and an be a bum all day. Let's see how acceptable that would be to your wife.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

aerodynamic said:


> I am sure I will develop some resentment as I already have. But I want to raise our child together and she is my best friend even though there are issues.
> 
> I guess I am just willing to live with resentment and disappointment, and just want my day-to-day life to be better. And I really want to keep my family together. I don't want to divorce and if I did, I would not be in a rush to remarry.


I guess each person is different, I don't see how letting resentment/disappointment grow will make your day to day life better. At some point I would think it will seep into your day to day life, it will impact your marriage which will have an impact on family life. If I am being honest, it just seems like you are ok with doing everything your wife asks/wants without getting anything back in return. If you are not willing to shake things up then you have already answered your questions and will sacrifice your needs for the "greater" good...

Curious, do you plan on having any other children, or is this it for your wife?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you have an honest relationship, ask this question:

"Wife, has sex ever been important to you in any relationship?"

And:

"Has the sex ever been good with me?"

If not, get your relationship to a place where you can ask that, and she will answer it freely, and you can accept her answer even if it's a "Yes" to the first one and a "No" to the second.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

aerodynamic said:


> I am sure I will develop some resentment as I already have. But I want to raise our child together and she is my best friend even though there are issues.
> 
> I guess I am just willing to live with resentment and disappointment, and just want my day-to-day life to be better. And I really want to keep my family together. I don't want to divorce and if I did, I would not be in a rush to remarry.


Three things:

1) If you go the sexless route, your marriage will slowly disintegrate until it reaches the point where raising your child together may not be best for the child.

2) I never understand this "She's my best friend" stuff. Really? Would any of your other friends be so dismissive of your needs? Would they try to satisfy them for a brief time but then just forget about them? Would your needs just fall off their radar after a while? That might happen to me with a casual friend, but I wouldn't expect it to happen with my BEST friend.

3) When the kids are grown, you'll have no reason to be married to her and, as Holding noted, it's going to be a LOT more expensive to leave her.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hoosier said:


> Yep, do this and prepare for it to never get better, and you have a bad case of blue ball$.
> 
> I love the "just give them more of what they want even tho they could care less about you, maybe they will give you a scrap now and then" approach.
> 
> geez.


Women arouse differently than men.



Relationship Teacher


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

intheory said:


> But I went back and read a little more carefully. I can excuse the 11 months around the pregnancy. I don't know why there has to be NO type of sex whatsoever during pregnancy. But let's be generous and excuse that episode.


Hormones.
Hormones.
Hormones.

They can strip the desire and make sex painful. 

If you are saying that there should at least be oral sex, then the retort to that would be morning sickness and overly sensitive gag reflex.


Relationship Teacher


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OK I will just be blunt about this................

sounds like you are at the unhinged stage, your mind is seeking answers but at this point you are not as rational as perhaps you were in the past.

You have a healthy sex drive, trying to turn that off will work temporarily. BUT all you are going to do is create more problems down the track. Your health will begin to suffer, resentment will set in for both of you, you may have a realisation that you are in fact worth more and that your life is being sabotaged then the health problems will get worse as your brain fights with your body. 

You cannot turn off your sex drive and expect to live happily, healthily ever after. BTDT and it does not work.

Others will have lots of good suggestions on how to try and fix your marriage but the truth is that the odds are low that you two will ever be sexually compatible.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

aerodynamic said:


> I am interested in hearing thoughts on this. Thanks so much for reading.


My wife and I were sexless for many years. We didn't plan it that way; it just happened.

Eventually, everything that makes a marriage pleasurable and worthwhile faded away too. In the end, we were like a divorced couple under the same roof.

If I had it to do over again, I would try to fix it sooner rather than later. (Resources were pretty scant 30 years ago.)


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

aerodynamic said:


> Thanks for the advice, and I certainly am not completely ready to give up. But I have gone down this path multiple times over the past 11 years, and whereas I like the idea of not worrying about whether intimacy will escalate, but I think it is impossible not to be hoping for a better sexual relationship to develop out of it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This sounds like you are doing covert contracts. You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy book. You could be showing resentment even if you think you are not. Not saying you should not contribute to home chores and childcare, but you need to do it cuz it needs to be done, not to grease the skids for intimacy.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Of course resentment is natural when sex is infrequent. But at your ages you have a long time to put up with it. I struggle with sex once a month now at age 64 but at least it us enthusiastic.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I can also say that my resentment comes out every month in various ways as I wait for sex. Not fun.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Hormones.
> Hormones.
> Hormones.
> 
> ...


Except, they went without sex for 11 months AFTER the child was born and that was some time ago, judging by the OP's wording. So, she's not morning sick with a sensitive gag reflex. 

She hasn't said that sex is painful to her. She has said that she is ok with very little sex and only sees frequency as a problem because she knows OP wants more. OP hasn't said anything that would lead me to believe the problem is pregnancy or motherhood related. He has said that their drives have always been mismatched.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

If your drives were so mismatched why did u marry?


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

To suggest to her and yourself a sexless marriage "forever" or, at least until ya'll are married, sounds a tad overboard. How about try having a break from it first? You are upset right now about the situation, and taking a breather sounds like a better choice for now..


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

aerodynamic said:


> I am sure I will develop some resentment as I already have. But I want to raise our child together and she is my best friend even though there are issues.
> 
> I guess I am just willing to live with resentment and disappointment, and just want my day-to-day life to be better. And I really want to keep my family together. I don't want to divorce and if I did, I would not be in a rush to remarry.


How was the sex when you first got married?
How has it changed?
When you do have sex now, is your wife achieving orgasm?

I have been married 24 years and went through similar issues.
One of the items I really worked on was making certain that when we DID have sex, I did my very best in exciting and satisfying her, REGARDLESS of her state of mind at the beginning of the session. Keep in mind that my wife did not even know what she wanted to begin with. It's a learning process for BOTH partners.

However, in these cases I believe it is the mans responsibility to take the lead and go where you need to go. This is very difficult because you must bolster your own ego and emotions given that your mission is to wake the dead, as it were.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can raise your child together and remain best friends even if you are divorced. Divorce can sometimes greatly improve a friendship when marital issues strain the friendship part. You may actually both be a lot happier ONLY as friends, not spouses.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

aerodynamic,
Even if you both agree on a "sexless" marriage, what happens when someone outside the marriage sparks sexual interest in you or your wife?

I believe what your wife REALLY wants is a man who is able to work through her "issues" and find a way to sexually satisfy her. She needs you to be the man that can navigate her mind and find a way to her nirvana. Think of it as a battle ground. Your mission is to get the Germans out of France. Do you give up when your tanks cannot navigate the terrain? Do you give up because you're getting constantly shelled? No, you find a way no matter what.

Unfortunately you are an army of one and you cannot accept any "reinforcements."

Welcome to the war


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Aero: I think that UMP is correct. He is correct about the challenge you would need to accept and what you would need to do to get to a mutually sexually fulfilling marriage with your wife. You may not want to accept that challenge. You may not want to expend that much effort to attain your goal. Which is OK. You are not obliged to accept the challenge or do the work. But if you are not going to, then do both of you a favor and get divorced. You and your wife and your child will all be better off. 100% in or 100% out. Staying but knowing you are always going to be frustrated and resentful is a fool's choice. Ask me how I know.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> When you change your approach, sexual fulfillment necessarily comes along with it. It is almost like saying that expecting to have zero sex leads to a lot of sex. * Expectations are relationship killers*. Don't try to force it or make it happen. Let it happen.
> 
> Romance.
> 
> Relationship Teacher


QFT


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Holland said:


> OK I will just be blunt about this................
> 
> sounds like you are at the unhinged stage, your mind is seeking answers but at this point you are not as rational as perhaps you were in the past.
> 
> ...



Agree. I tried to go down this path at one point also. Foolish mistake. It only made things worse for myself.

It's possible to get to a better place, but it's not guaranteed, and it normally takes a LOT of hard work and introspection about your own shortcomings.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Your story makes me feel very sad for you. You sound like you really want to make this work but have been so unhappy with your sexual incompatibility. I can't imagine how frustrated you must feel.

I just joined this forum a few days ago and I'm glad I did because I have very few friends and my marriage is always up and down. It's nice to have objective people to consult when I hit rough times. However I truly believe my marriage will last long term because in spite of our occasional hard times we are a perfect match sexually. I think that bond is what keeps us connected. If we didn't have that I don't think I'd feel confident and trusting and close to my husband. 

Do you really think you would be happy if you never have sex again? Do you think your wife would be happy? Is she completely unwilling to accommodate you to the point it gives you so much anxiety that she's willing to lose that side of you completely? I'm curious to know how she rejects you. Does she push you away or make excuses and not realize how hard it is on you? 

My husband said he found out through a girl he dated who went out drinking with his mom and aunt that both women are in sexless marriages. He said he's pretty sure they haven't had sex in ten, maybe twenty years. I think his mother has not strayed in spite of this but his aunt has had several affairs but stays married because of the financial stability. As far as I know both husbands haven't had sex with anyone during this time. 

Would you be okay with all that? I honestly can't imagine being okay with that myself. 

If I were you I'd lean more toward splitting if you are that incompatible. 

As a side note, my sex drive completely vanished when I was pregnant with my girls. Not only was I not interested, I was actually repulsed by it. I'd watch tv and see the actors kiss and think, eww gross. Sex felt like being raped no matter how gentle he was. We eventually stopped entirely because it was so bad for both of us. However, within days after the birth, I was still healing and unable to have sex for six weeks but my desire came back full force. All of a sudden my husband looked highly attractive to me and I couldn't wait to start again. So hormones really can alter a woman's drive by an astonishing amount. However it really should return to normal. Funny, when pregnant with my son I kept my sex drive just fine. 

You have a hard choice to make. Again I'd either try to make it work or leave. I wouldn't want a sexless marriage for anyone. I feel like that's a sad and lonely way to live. Obviously there are a lot of people who choose to live that way and they must be happy enough but I feel like that's way too self-sacrificing.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The underlying assumption is that the zero desire spouse has some desire, but not for the incumbent. 

I think time and time again we have seen this assumption not hold water in the conventional sense. 

It is critical to determine and understand if this is the case and avoid futile and counterproductive "self improvement" quests that are unlikely to produce results.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Michelle you may be sexually compatible now but believe me that is likely to change down the road.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The infrequent sex has nothing to do with her wanting sex. 

It's a blocking strategy. To keep you from straying. 

Chance of one of you cheating goes up if sex totally stops. 



aerodynamic said:


> Hi there,
> My wife and I have been married for 11 years, have a young child, and we are generally great together. But over the past few years, our sex life has become so sporadic that it has become an issue.
> 
> We often go over a month without sex and when we do have it, it is just a quickie. And to be honest, I do not enjoy quickies at all. I know she only offers it because she knows it has been awhile, and I comply only because I know it will make her feel better. Especially with how infrequent our sex life is, I feel like I need something more exciting, like lingerie and more oral, etc. I tell her and occassionally, maybe once or twice a year, we have great sex. But I want it much more frequently and I can say, after repeated discussions, it is just not going to happen.
> ...


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

OKguy, why do you think it would be so likely to change so much? Are you referring to changes like menopause? Yes life happens but I feel like if your drives are close enough you can navigate the differences and accommodate each other. I don't see why both people have to have the exact same sex drives at exactly the same time to be a good match. Pregnancy with my daughters was tough for me but my husband was okay with it because he rightly assumed it was temporary. If I had stayed that way long term I would have tried harder to figure out a way to make it enjoyable for me.

Right now my husbands' sex drive is higher than mine (he could do every other day if we had time and before kids that's what we did) but right now I'm always so tired taking care of three little ones, and i admit I'm a nightmare to be around if I don't get enough sleep. However my husband said and I believe him that he's satisfied. Sometimes I basically suck it up even if I'm not in the mood at first and we end up having a great time. Sometimes we go two or three times in a day to make up for lost time. Either way it's not like both people have to be completely in the mood at the exact same moments to make it happen. 

If my husbands' sex drive goes down a bit I think I'd be okay with that as long as it doesn't go way down for a long time while I'm still young and healthy. I really feel for women in those situations. I think it's a lot easier for a wife to give sex to her husband when she's not in the mood than it is for the husband if he's not in the mood. 

Sorry if this is going off the topic of the original post. I just think in most cases it shouldn't be so difficult to keep each other happy sexually, unless you just are incompatible in general.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

How old r u Michelle? You must be young.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I was in my 20s the last time I did it more than once a day.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I'm 33, my husband's 40 and we've been together 12 years, married 10 years.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

As I thought. You are young. Things will change.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

OKguy you're not making much sense to me. You asked aerodynamic why he married in the first place if their sex drives were mismatched but you're saying to me that having a great sex life doesn't mean anything because it'll only go away anyway.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Michelle I am saying that if you know before you marry that your sex drives don't match then why marry. But for many of us our sex drives matched for many years. We married and then somewhere down the line the mismatch began to happen. I'm just telling you not to assume your sex life will always be what it is now.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Okay it's possible of course but I don't see the point in assuming it's going to be a major problem down the road. Yes anything can change. You can be getting along great and then have something tramatic happen and have one of your personalities change. I guess it does sound naive to assume we will always be close but for now it's something that gives me confidence in my relationship.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

You can still be close but your sex life is likely to change. I never thought mine would but it has


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Okay I guess I won't pay much attention to your warning the same way I'll ignore my grandmother's statement that "all men cheat so you better just accept it as an inevitability," and I'll hope for the best.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be satisfied sexually with your spouse and it's a shame if someone settles for way less.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I never said it was unreasonable. I said it would change. I am sexually satisfied but not as often as I'd like. But again I had many years of getting it more often much like u are now. I never thought it would change either.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

intheory said:


> Wouldn't it _increase_ the chances of his straying?


I think the poster meant that she'd be having no sex, but she has some sex to keep her H from straying.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Once a month seems to be a pretty universal Goldilocks constant...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

intheory said:


> That's pretty Machiavellian. It's hard for me to imagine wives [or husbands] actually sitting around plotting, "okay, how much sex do I have to have with this guy, to keep him tethered to me. What's the Goldilocks amount, where he's always hankering for more, but not so bad that he'll step out on me"


Well, enough sex so he's hankering for more? Not so much IMO.

But just enough to keep your partner from straying, or just enough so that you can consider yourself an adequate mate? Absolutely. That was my ex's game for many years.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> You can raise your child together and remain best friends even if you are divorced. Divorce can sometimes greatly improve a friendship when marital issues strain the friendship part. You may actually both be a lot happier ONLY as friends, not spouses.


Agree 100%. I think a lot of guys are afraid of divorce and the impact it can have on their children. From what I've seen first hand with my friends, they still enjoy strong and loving relationships with their children. Think about how much of a better father you could be without the mental fog and emotional strain you carry 24/7 from a damaged marriage?

My wife and I have had some problems in the last year, and I spent a lot of time thinking about life on my own, and the thought of not being around my daughter scared the $hit out of me. But I stepped back, looked at my friends' lives who I mentioned above, and thought about all the cool $hit me and my little girl could still do when we saw each other...and how much more loving, patient, and understanding I could be to her without the emotional turmoil from a troubled marriage. My wife and I are trying to reconcile, but the thought of leaving doesn't scare me like it once did. If it happens, I'll adjust just fine.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

KJ_Simmons said:


> Agree 100%. I think a lot of guys are afraid of divorce and the impact it can have on their children. From what I've seen first hand with my friends, they still enjoy strong and loving relationships with their children. Think about how much of a better father you could be without the mental fog and emotional strain you carry 24/7 from a damaged marriage?
> 
> My wife and I have had some problems in the last year, and I spent a lot of time thinking about life on my own, and the thought of not being around my daughter scared the $hit out of me. But I stepped back, looked at my friends' lives who I mentioned above, and thought about all the cool $hit me and my little girl could still do when we saw each other...and how much more loving, patient, and understanding I could be to her without the emotional turmoil from a troubled marriage. My wife and I are trying to reconcile, but the thought of leaving doesn't scare me like it once did. If it happens, I'll adjust just fine.


Ok just talking about my immediate situation, anecdotal. My ex and I do 50/50 and we co parent exceptionally well together. Sure it is hard on the kids at times but life is actually much better for all of us now post divorce. We do some things as a family, kids see their parents happy, they get the best of each of their parents. In some situations life is far better after divorce than while living in a dysfunctional intact household.

I'm not saying divorce is the only answer just that sometimes it is a better place than a marriage that is unhealthy. I did not want my kids to think that marriage meant people had to stay miserable "till death do us part".


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I think it's much easier to consider ending a short term marriage in your 30s or 40s than a long term one in your 60s. Many things more important than sex frequency to consider.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

aero, are you still around?

You've gotten some really good advice on this thread. Just wondering how things are going.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> aero, are you still around?
> 
> You've gotten some really good advice on this thread. Just wondering how things are going.


Hopefully OP is too busy having boatloads of sex to respond :grin2:


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

MichelleR said:


> I guess it does sound naive to assume we will always be close but for now it's something that gives me confidence in my relationship.


Michelle, you are right that it doesn't have to be a major problem down the road. You already recognize that being a mom saps your energy for sex, and are being proactive about making sure that intimacy in your marriage remains a priority. You respond to your husbands advances, and enjoy yourself when you do. Are you obligated to have sex when you're drained at the end of the day? No. Problems creep in when we let the situation define our marriage, instead of working towards maintaining a balance. Wanting to be the lover who meet your husbands needs, and enjoying yourself when you do is a big deal. I would say the same to him if he was the one out of energy at the end of the day, and found himself wanting to make you feel good anyway. The best marriages are between spouses to want to make each other's day a little better, even when doing so takes a little bit of extra effort. Try to keep inspiring each other to make the effort, and you have a great chance of keeping the flame alive.

You seem to recognize that yours and your husbands needs are dynamic and will change, and appear to be ready to roll with the changes. You have the foundations of a long, healthy, and sexually fulfilling marriage. If you and your husband can remain acutely aware that sex is important in your marriage, vigilant and proactive in maintaining intimacy in whatever manner meets both of your needs then you can weather whatever comes your way. Vigilance and pro-activeness means paying attention to each other, communicating each of your needs honestly, being compassionate, and keeping your marriage simmering on the front burner even when it seems like all of the burners have something already burning on them. It's hard work, but from what little I've read it sounds like you are up to the challenge.

Best to you both


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Methinks aero is long gone....

A one-time drive by?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aerodynamic said:


> ...we went without sex for about 11 months. During this time, there was no chance of sex, and I took care of myself and quite frankly, life was less stressful.
> 
> I would love to have frequent great sex than no sex, but I think I prefer no sex over very sporadic quickie sex (and once in a blue moon great sex).


This is the first time I have seen one go from one extreme to the other in search of keeping themselves happy. 

I think the real issue at hand is that (1) you do not know how to deal with your wife rejecting you when she may not be in the mood and (2) your wife does not understand your desire for sex since you have proven yourself to be OK without it. 

*You need to teach your wife how to lovingly reject you!* This may include a gentle back rub to calm you down as well as some intimate touching that she can provide for your pleasure. Meanwhile you can respect that she may not be in the mood, but be grateful that she may actually enjoy pleasing you when she has no pressure to perform. 
*
You need to convey to your wife how strong your desire for intimacy is.* Don't make it about just a need for sex and that she is the only available vagina, let her know you want to connect with her and share your desire and pleasure with her. Otherwise if she sees you content to take care of yourself, she will perhaps begin to think that she is no better/different than your hand and question her self confidence.

When you get down to it, many times it is lack of self confidence, sexual shame/guilt (taught by society), and a sense of not being worthy enough to be loved. These things manifest themselves in bizarre ways and impact the quality of intimacy in a relationship. In order to create a change, you may very have to incite a nuclear level argument to blast down barriers and break through. A good marriage is worth fighting (in a healthy way in order to perturb underlying issues to the surface) to keep it good and make it better!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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