# Have I alienated my daughter?



## DameEdna

I know my daughter's technically an adult at 18. Does this mean I should just let her get on with her life? Unfortunately I am not the kind of parent to do this. 

I thought I was close to her. But then I found out she'd been taking the pill "on and off" for the past 8 months. Why was she on the pill??? There is no evidence of any long term boyfriend. I told her I don't want her sleeping around, which she assures me she does not (but then what business is it of mine) This morning it came to a head and I TOLD her to get off the pill and get her periods back to normal (she's not had a period for weeks. She did a pregnancy test the other day:scratchhead: which was negative) 

She says she's on the pill "ready" for when she has a long term b/f. Rubbish!!! She can soon get back on it again. Her periods were fine (so she didn't use the pill to regulate them or anything)

I think a lot of how she's behaving is peer pressure. 

One minute she's lovely and easy to chat to. Next minute she's moody and defensive. She can drive (my car) and often goes out socialising but has a curfew of 10.30pm (early I know) which is flexible depending on what she is doing, and she sticks to it. 

I'm just a caring loving parent and I want what's best for my daughter. I think I've probably said enough to her now. 

Have I alienated her?:scratchhead: How the hell do I deal with an 18 year old?????? Seems a long time ago when I was 18 and I was never like this.


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## EleGirl

It sounds to me like she is having sexual relations, why else would she take a pregnancy test. She probably does not want to tell you about what she's doing.

Did you alienate her? Probably not. My 3 are now in their early 20's. The teen years are hard. She'll make it through and you'll both be ok.

Though I would be concerned about her being on/off the pill. It's not something to play around with.


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## DameEdna

EleGirl said:


> It sounds to me like she is having sexual relations, why else would she take a pregnancy test. She probably does not want to tell you about what she's doing.
> 
> Did you alienate her? Probably not. My 3 are now in their early 20's. The teen years are hard. She'll make it through and you'll both be ok.
> 
> Though I would be concerned about her being on/off the pill. It's not something to play around with.


Thank you for the reassurance I will get through this:scratchhead:

I'm not that naive, of course she is having sexual relations. Or at least experimented once or twice, enough to scare her into a pregnancy test!!! I told her to come off the pill and wait until she's in a loving long term relationship. 

I know she's not going to be completely honest with me. That's what's so difficult about all of this.

Now I've said my piece, I think I need to stand back and see what happens next. She knows I'm here for her whatever happens.


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## EleGirl

DameEdna said:


> Thank you for the reassurance I will get through this:scratchhead:
> 
> I'm not that naive, of course she is having sexual relations. Or at least experimented once or twice, enough to scare her into a pregnancy test!!! I told her to come off the pill and wait until she's in a loving long term relationship.
> 
> I know she's not going to be completely honest with me. That's what's so difficult about all of this.
> 
> Now I've said my piece, I think I need to stand back and see what happens next. She knows I'm here for her whatever happens.


With my step daughter ( I raised her from age 10 on), when she told me something similar I just told her that I was not buying it. It was clear that she was sexually active and that there is no need to lie or hide it from me. After that she was pretty up front about things of this nature. I felt that it was important that she not feel that she should hide it from me, and important that she knew that I would not fall apart and go ballistic if I knew the truth.


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## DameEdna

She has a friend (male) visiting for a week after Christmas. All the way from Canada (we are in UK) She met him on our Cruise in the summer and it was a holiday romance. Maybe she thinks she's going to spend the week shagging him??? This is why she is on the pill "just in case!"


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## EleGirl

DameEdna said:


> She has a friend (male) visiting for a week after Christmas. All the way from Canada (we are in UK) She met him on our Cruise in the summer and it was a holiday romance. Maybe she thinks she's going to spend the week shagging him??? This is why she is on the pill "just in case!"


Perhaps... being a mom is not an easy thing. Is this young man going to stay at your house?


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## DameEdna

EleGirl said:


> Perhaps... being a mom is not an easy thing. Is this young man going to stay at your house?


Yes. In the spare room. I agreed to it back in the summer, thinking it would all die down. It did go very quiet and I hoped they'd forgotten about it. But nope, he's still visiting.


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## EleGirl

DameEdna said:


> Yes. In the spare room. I agreed to it back in the summer, thinking it would all die down. It did go very quiet and I hoped they'd forgotten about it. But nope, he's still visiting.


When I was that age I had a boyfriend who would visit.I met him when I was 13 and he was 16. That was 49 years ago.


My family lived in Italy and the USA. He lived in the USA. He used to come visit me where ever we were living. My parents were not quite sure what to think of it but they always let him come visit. 

Back in those days, in a house with 8 siblings, there was no shagging going on. :rofl:

We dated like that for years. He and I both married other people. Then we got divorced at about the same time. So we dated some between after the first marriages. Now we are both married to others again. But we are still friends, he still calls me all the time, sends cards, etc.


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## Laurae1967

I am really troubled that you would ask your sexually active daughter to get off the pill. Would you rather she get pregnant? I just don't get that logic.

At 18 years old, why does she have a 10:30 p.m. curfew? She sounds like a responsible girl, but if you think trying to CONTROL her is being a good parent, you are totally wrong.

Teens are honest with their parents when their parents ALLOW them to be honest. If you are being highly critical, judging, and controlling, your teen is going to not be honest with you. Yes, you can guide them, and you should, but at 18, your job is basically done.

I think it is fine to talk about sex, the responsibility that comes with sex, and being in a committed, loving relationship before having sex. But making your daughter come home at 10:30 probably makes her feel like a child. Your daughter needs to feel like you believe she can be responsible and manage her own social life and when she comes home. How else is she going to learn how to be responsible on her own? Sheltering your daughter does not help her. Trusting her to make good decisions and creating an honest, open relationship where she feels emotionally SAFE to come to you is good parenting.


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## ScaredandUnsure

Do you have confidence that you raised a smart, confident, independent woman?

I doubt she's ever going to be completely honest about her sexual activity with you. Maybe tell her if she is on the pill she needs to take it correctly? I do know though, if you push the issue, she will hide more from you.

So just relax, and let her be the person you raised her to be, she will make mistakes, just be there for her and let her know you love her. It's really all you can do at this point.


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## Cherry

Laurae1967 said:


> I am really troubled that you would ask your sexually active daughter to get off the pill. Would you rather she get pregnant? I just don't get that logic.


I agree. I'm attaching a link to birth control methods and their effectiveness. If your daughter is sexually active, which you have admitted she is, I think the best thing you can do at this point is talk to her about responsibility relating to unplanned pregnancies, not try to prevent her from protecting herself, i.e. quit taking the pill.

Birth Control Chart


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## tacoma

Why would you want your sexually active daughter to forgo birth control?

I can`t comprehend that.

I think you are too familiar with your adult daughters sexuality.

None of this would bug you if it wasn`t your business, which it isn`t.


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## DameEdna

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Do you have confidence that you raised a smart, confident, independent woman?
> 
> I doubt she's ever going to be completely honest about her sexual activity with you. Maybe tell her if she is on the pill she needs to take it correctly? I do know though, if you push the issue, she will hide more from you.
> 
> So just relax, and let her be the person you raised her to be, she will make mistakes, just be there for her and let her know you love her. It's really all you can do at this point.


Well......... I THINK I have raised a smart, confident, independent young woman:scratchhead:

But most of the time at home she's disorganised, untidy, lazy. And now I'm noticing she's doing quite a lot to avoid us as parents as much as she can. We are an irritation to her. She's always out and about doing stuff. And it's starting to feel like she's DELIBERATELY avoiding us. 

The thing is, I would like to sit down and have a sensible woman to woman talk with her. She seems to sense this and is avoiding it.

So...... I feel justified in insisting she comes off the pill. Ok, she is taking responsibility for herself. But what's "responsible" about sleeping around??? I disagree with it, and she has to know. 

Now I'm seriously SCARED she might be pregnant!!!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

This is a very tough age. My daughter is about to turn 18 in a couple of months. She's begged and begged us to buy her "the pill". The pill only protects from pregnancy if taken correctly everyday at the same time. Taking other medications like antibiotics make the pill ineffective. We refuse to give our daughter the right to have sex at this young age. I know she has done this once in the past, she was so in love with this boy and all he wanted was sex. 

I made it clear, if this were to happen again, please wait until engagement if not marriage. I'm fine with engagement too. I strongly encourage condoms each and every time! They are effective against STD's. I've had long talks and I've printed up pamphlets on all the STD's. I highlighted the incurable ones like AIDS and herpes. Then my daughter told me it was MY job to provide her with condoms. OMG! My mouth hit the floor. She is so young and should NOT be having sex at this age unless she intends to get married with a ring on her finger. 18 is too young to start a family. 

I'm at a loss and I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. My daughter has not been out much, she is usually home and we are a strong famy unit. My mother was very insistent that I wait until I was married. I didn't and had my daughter right when I turned 20. I married that guy and he was abusive and unfaithful to me. I packed my bags and left with the baby. My daughter does not talk to me about everything. We find out a lot through her Facebook messages. We have access until she turns 18. We talk to her about everything. I understand she will make some bad choices and needs to learn from them. We do a lot of praying for her. We taught her right from wrong. My daughter is a really good girl, actually all 3 are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DameEdna

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> This is a very tough age. My daughter is about to turn 18 in a couple of months. She's begged and begged us to buy her "the pill". The pill only protects from pregnancy if taken correctly everyday at the same time. Taking other medications like antibiotics make the pill ineffective. We refuse to give our daughter the right to have sex at this young age. I know she has done this once in the past, she was so in love with this boy and all he wanted was sex.
> 
> I made it clear, if this were to happen again, please wait until engagement if not marriage. I'm fine with engagement too. I strongly encourage condoms each and every time! They are effective against STD's. I've had long talks and I've printed up pamphlets on all the STD's. I highlighted the incurable ones like AIDS and herpes. Then my daughter told me it was MY job to provide her with condoms. OMG! My mouth hit the floor. She is so young and should NOT be having sex at this age unless she intends to get married with a ring on her finger. 18 is too young to start a family.
> 
> I'm at a loss and I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. My daughter has not been out much, she is usually home and we are a strong famy unit. My mother was very insistent that I wait until I was married. I didn't and had my daughter right when I turned 20. I married that guy and he was abusive and unfaithful to me. I packed my bags and left with the baby. My daughter does not talk to me about everything. We find out a lot through her Facebook messages. We have access until she turns 18. We talk to her about everything. I understand she will make some bad choices and needs to learn from them. We do a lot of praying for her. We taught her right from wrong. My daughter is a really good girl, actually all 3 are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You sound like you have similar views to mine. Lovemaking should be special between two people who love each other. It's shocking to think your daughter thinks YOU should provide her with condoms.

As for Facebook, or anything else to do with the computer, my daughter knows I can access anything I like, so is very careful what she writes etc. So I have given up looking there.

I asked her if she was "sleeping around" and I don't think I should've made assumptions like this. I don't feel it's done our relationship any good at all. I feel I need to apologise to her. But it's finding the right moment as she always seems to be buzzing around doing stuff, and out of the house etc.


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## FirstYearDown

My parents were always too strict and too nosy. All it did was make me fight harder to get away from them. It also taught me how to hide things. I was very responsible, but because I was female, I was not allowed to have freedom. I left at 21 so that I could find out who I was, without my parents stifling me all the time. 

It is normal for an 18 year old to be sexually active. Most people in her generation start having sex at age 14, so I don't know where people get the idea that having sex at 18 is young. :rofl: I guess some older people are out of touch. Hell, I am 29 and I was one of the last virgins in my high school at 18. My mother was pleased that I went on the Pill at that time, without her having to tell me. :smthumbup: She thought that was very sensible and mature. 

DameEdna, you are being too overprotective and disrespectful of your ADULT daughter's boundaries. It is not your daughter's problem that you cannot let go and stop trying to control her as if she is 13. For goodness sakes, let your daughter breathe!  You are alienating her with this constant hovering. 

Parents can instill certain morals, but they cannot force their GROWN children to adhere to them. What if your daughter wants to go off to college? Are you going to follow her around and chase the boys away?


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## TNgirl232

I'm just going to say this...both parents who say they won't let their daughters be on birth control because they don't want them having sex even though they KNOW they ARE having sex already are stupid or naive or both!

They are HAVING sex. They will NOT stop just because you won't get them birth control. They will just continue to have unsafe sex. You can preach your beliefs at them all day long, but they will make their own decisions. As a parent, I think its your responsibility to help them get condoms or birth control if they were responsible enough to say "mom - I'm having sex" you can't make them have the same beliefs as you, but you can make sure they are safe and don't mess up their lives by getting an STD or pregnant.

I hope they realize that they don't need your permission to go to the health dept. or local planned parent hood office and get birth control or condoms since you are currently setting them up for failure.

My daughter knows that I would prefer she wait until at least college before having sex, BUT knowing that I didn't wait (and I had a child at 17) I'm going to be putting her on birth control whether or not I know she is having sex because I don't want her to have to go through some of the same difficulties I do.


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## FirstYearDown

TNgirl232 said:


> *I'm just going to say this...both parents who say they won't let their daughters be on birth control because they don't want them having sex even though they KNOW they ARE having sex already are stupid or naive or both!
> 
> They are HAVING sex. They will NOT stop just because you won't get them birth control. They will just continue to have unsafe sex. You can preach your beliefs at them all day long, but they will make their own decisions. As a parent, I think its your responsibility to help them get condoms or birth control if they were responsible enough to say "mom - I'm having sex" you can't make them have the same beliefs as you, but you can make sure they are safe and don't mess up their lives by getting an STD or pregnant.*
> 
> *I hope they realize that they don't need your permission to go to the health dept. or local planned parent hood office and get birth control or condoms since you are currently setting them up for failure.*
> 
> My daughter knows that I would prefer she wait until at least college before having sex, BUT knowing that I didn't wait (and I had a child at 17) I'm going to be putting her on birth control whether or not I know she is having sex because I don't want her to have to go through some of the same difficulties I do.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Laurae1967

TNgirl232 said:


> I'm just going to say this...both parents who say they won't let their daughters be on birth control because they don't want them having sex even though they KNOW they ARE having sex already are stupid or naive or both!
> 
> They are HAVING sex. They will NOT stop just because you won't get them birth control. They will just continue to have unsafe sex. You can preach your beliefs at them all day long, but they will make their own decisions. As a parent, I think its your responsibility to help them get condoms or birth control if they were responsible enough to say "mom - I'm having sex" you can't make them have the same beliefs as you, but you can make sure they are safe and don't mess up their lives by getting an STD or pregnant.
> 
> I hope they realize that they don't need your permission to go to the health dept. or local planned parent hood office and get birth control or condoms since you are currently setting them up for failure.
> 
> My daughter knows that I would prefer she wait until at least college before having sex, BUT knowing that I didn't wait (and I had a child at 17) I'm going to be putting her on birth control whether or not I know she is having sex because I don't want her to have to go through some of the same difficulties I do.


This is SO true! 

To the OP - To tell your daughter to get engaged before she has sex is just ridiculous! This just makes people get engaged and married in order to have sex. That is just illogical.

Read up on "individuation". This is the NORMAL development of teens. They are SUPPOSED to pull away from you, spend their time with friends, and basically just avoid you. This is part of how they become their own individuals. If you can't accept this, it is YOUR problem, not anything your daughter is doing wrong.

Super-controlling parents raise dysfunctional kids who either totally rebel or who fail to develop as healthy, independent adults. Back off, mama, and let your daughter grow up.


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## DameEdna

Laurae1967 said:


> This is SO true!
> 
> To the OP - To tell your daughter to get engaged before she has sex is just ridiculous! This just makes people get engaged and married in order to have sex. That is just illogical.
> 
> Read up on "individuation". This is the NORMAL development of teens. They are SUPPOSED to pull away from you, spend their time with friends, and basically just avoid you. This is part of how they become their own individuals. If you can't accept this, it is YOUR problem, not anything your daughter is doing wrong.
> 
> Super-controlling parents raise dysfunctional kids who either totally rebel or who fail to develop as healthy, independent adults. Back off, mama, and let your daughter grow up.


Thank you I understand exactly where you are coming from. I've not mentioned anything more about Birth Control. I found communicating by writing a little note to her has helped. I've told her I need to stop treating her like a little girl as she is now a grown woman. I feel she is appreciating these little notes. 

As for the 10.30pm curfew. This is on School nights. It's flexible on other nights of course. Like Saturday night she wasn't home until nearly 2am. If she has somewhere special to go, we are flexible.

Thank you everyone for your help and advice.


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