# I was not looking...



## football (Jun 28, 2012)

I've been with my wife for many years. We are comfortable together. Sexually we are not a great match. Sex life has been a roller coaster with her. More downs of late.

I have been completely faithful to her. A few women have come on to me over the years but I always make it clear that I am not interested. I have really not flirted with women in 15 years.

So it was quite the shock for me recently when a woman struck up a conversation and I was instantly riveted. I felt a connection with her on a level that I have not experienced with anyone - ever. It's as though connecting with her released a component of my being that had been suppressed my entire life. It's madness, I know.

I have not talked to the other woman about it. I'm very torn. But if I never talk to her again, I feel like I am denying myself real fulfillment of a sort that makes me a much better and happier person.


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## resetbuttonpushed (May 13, 2012)

If you are married you are entering dangerous territory. You need to figure out a way to get that side out with your wife.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

It is dangerous territory. Risky in terms of my marriage. But there is risk on the other side too - risk of walking away from something potentially very meaningful. Am I supposed to put marriage ahead of consciousness, happiness, and fulfillment? Before I met this other woman, I kind of knew I was compromising in some ways - but I had basically just resigned myself to it. I had no intention of ever seeking anything else. 

I have never believed in "fate" or "meant to be" or "soulmates"... but there is something profound about my connection with this woman. It's not something I can put into words. How can I put something into words that I have never experienced and never believed to be possible?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What part of married don't you understand?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Stay away from her..... VERY dangerous place your in....


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

football said:


> It's as though connecting with her released a component of my being that had been suppressed my entire life. I feel like I am denying myself real fulfillment of a sort that makes me a much better and happier person.


Lol! What a lot of self-serving rubbish!!!


.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

Exactly what I would have said before I met her.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I may sound 'new agey' here, but I don't care.

Stop for a moment & understand that people & circumstances come to us for reasons that we sometimes cannot understand at first..emotions clouding judgement.

Because you are experiencing your 'downs' in your marriage right now, you're more vulnerable & seeing the situation for much more than it is.

This conversation you had with her & the feelings it brought up, are all clues that it's, no doubt, time that you figure out what you're missing in your relationship...

People come into our lives to teach us things- this other woman is present in your life first because you're allowing her to be, (which btw, isn't contributing to a marriage upswing anytime soon..)
and because it's a test for you..once you figure out what you need to do, she will move on & rightfully so.

The purpose of her is to blatantly show you what your marriage needs in order to be fulfilling.. It is so striking to you because someone somewhere is yelling at you trying to get you to pay attention to your real relationship. Listen & be open to what the lesson is here.

Take a minute to reflect on why you believe she is better for you than your wife & use that knowledge & energy in a positive way. Redirect it back into your marriage & figure things out together.
Chances are, if you are having doubts, she is very aware of it.. she cannot be happy with you right now.

Your wife is your priority. She deserves to know her marriage is probably not what she thinks it is.
Be a man & make it right. 

Best of Luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

football said:


> Exactly what I would have said before I met her.


Well, keep saying it. 

You're kidding yourself. Trying to talk yourself into getting a bit on the side. Trying to make it seem "necessary".

A clued-up bloke would see that.

.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

Mime is going to drive me to divorce.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

..noone can do that but you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

That's true, karma*girl. Thanks for post #8 above.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

You should ask your wife for an open marriage so you can get a green light to go fulfill your fantasies while still enjoying the comforts of a stable home life that she can provide for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

if you feel you will cheat its best to divorce your wife let her know than move on to this other woman or another.

Don't cheat 

Your wife has a right to know if you are not longer interested be honest with yourself and her.


I am not in the crowd that tries to save marriages that cannot be saved as i feel no marriage can be truly saved if one person wants out or is hesitant about the marriage or questions it.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

football said:


> Mime is going to drive me to divorce.


Am I?

Well, so be it. Better that, than to sneak around behind your wife's back, giving this other woman a test drive to decide if the advertising matches the contents. That'd be a low act.

.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Tell your wife this:


football said:


> a woman struck up a conversation and I was instantly riveted. I felt a connection with her on a level that I have not experienced with anyone - ever. It's as though connecting with her released a component of my being that had been suppressed my entire life. It's madness, I know.
> 
> I have not talked to the other woman about it. I'm very torn. But if I never talk to her again, I feel like I am denying myself real fulfillment of a sort that makes me a much better and happier person.


and if she says "go for it, honey! I want nothing but your happiness!" then you know you're good to go. 

If she says anything else, then it's pretty much confirmed that you lose.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

As You Wish said:


> Tell your wife this:
> and if she says "go for it, honey! I want nothing but your happiness!" then you know you're good to go.
> 
> If she says anything else, then it's pretty much confirmed that you lose.


LOL!!!! _"go for it, honey! I want nothing but your happiness!"_ Hahaha!!

I reckon if she actually says that, he'd better get a lawyer!!! Because that's what she'll be planning!!


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> You should ask your wife for an open marriage so you can get a green light to go fulfill your fantasies while still enjoying the comforts of a stable home life that she can provide for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: This forum is sooo funny! Where else but the Internet could you find such gems of droll humour?


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## TheFamilyStone (Jun 26, 2012)

Open marriage? Oh please. Please don't take offense Bottled up but that's the biggest crock. I have been married almost 8 years now. I love my husband dearly even though we are having some issues right now but I also like women. He knows this and would be okay with me having a girlfriend or a friend with benefits but that's not what marriage is. Marriage is commitment to 1 person. I'm a firm believer that if you are getting tail from someone on the side then you need to pick one or the other. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. It's a very rare thing for an open marriage to work out.


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## TheFamilyStone (Jun 26, 2012)

"You should ask your wife for an open marriage so you can get a green light to go fulfill your fantasies while still enjoying the comforts of a stable home life that she can provide for you."
This is like saying you don't have sex with me but you can be my maid. Disgusting really.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

@ Karma-Girl.....


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

TheFamilyStone said:


> Open marriage? Oh please. Please don't take offense Bottled up but that's the biggest crock. I have been married almost 8 years now. I love my husband dearly even though we are having some issues right now but I also like women. He knows this and would be okay with me having a girlfriend or a friend with benefits but that's not what marriage is. Marriage is commitment to 1 person. I'm a firm believer that if you are getting tail from someone on the side then you need to pick one or the other. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. It's a very rare thing for an open marriage to work out.


It seems that Mime got my sarcastic humor... apparently you didn't


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Don't go chasing after some type of 'connection' that you never had before just because you're curious about someone else. This once in a lifetime bullsh!t is just that. Humans are biologically driven to try and mate with as many suitable matches as possible. It happens all the time.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

football said:


> It is dangerous territory. Risky in terms of my marriage. But there is risk on the other side too - risk of walking away from something potentially very meaningful. Am I supposed to put marriage ahead of consciousness, happiness, and fulfillment?


If you want to stay married, OP, walking away isn't an option, it's a necessity.

You either need to concentrate on getting your marriage back on track or, indeed, walk away from it.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

Divorce would be a disaster. Maintaining the status quo is just tragic. Tragic wins!

Why don't I get any credit from the marriage police for being faithful for 15 years? That's a long time.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Long time? 15 years was that what you singed up for? Or was it "Until death do us part"


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

football said:


> Divorce would be a disaster. Maintaining the status quo is just tragic. Tragic wins!
> 
> Why don't I get any credit from the marriage police for being faithful for 15 years? That's a long time.


You get credit, but it's not a free pass to go cheat just because you've gone xxx amount of time being faithful dude. 

Are you even serious??? I don't think you are... I think you're clownin' around here.


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## xena74 (May 5, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Long time? 15 years was that what you singed up for? Or was it "Until death do us part"


:iagree:


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

I'm not asking for permission to cheat. I don't want to cheat.

I'm confused by what has happened and I am seeking objective perspective on something that is emotional for me. 

I am not one who believes that "marriage" trumps all else. I have lived long enough to know that things in life are not so simple.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

football said:


> I'm confused by what has happened and I am seeking objective perspective on something that is emotional for me.


Your marriage has lost its sparkle, you've met another woman with whom you feel a connection. It's tempting to pursue that connection, but in so doing you're walking away from your marriage. You don't want to do that, so you need to walk away from this woman and try to get the sparkle back in your marriage.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Oh, Mime, I know..I made an error & deleted! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

..getting back on track...

~ Anyone *new* can have that power over you, if you let them- especially if you're in a low point of your marriage.
That newness seems fresh & vibrant, but will certainly fade & 'real-life' issues show up- then what..15 yrs. later, that's it, someone else says something riveting & your putty in their hands?
*buzzer sounds*- it's been 15 yrs..NEXT.....that's a sad pattern, (not standing up for your marriage.)

Where is your logic-? It's nowhere, because you are falling for a trick & are being easily coerced. Not good.
Time to get your mind back into what is truly important to you- TRULY important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

football said:


> I'm not asking for permission to cheat. I don't want to cheat.
> 
> I'm confused by what has happened and I am seeking objective perspective on something that is emotional for me.
> 
> I am not one who believes that "marriage" trumps all else. I have lived long enough to know that things in life are not so simple.


You need to realize the difference between infatuation and love. You met this woman and connected with her. How much time have you spent with her? My guess is a few hours. 

Now try to imagine how life would be if you were with her for 15 years. Issues with kids, with health, money, sex. Issues with her feeling 'connected' with other guys. 

New relationships feel great, especially with an initial connection. None of this is worth throwing away a marriage as the future will be entirely different than you imagine.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> Are you even serious??? I don't think you are... I think you're clownin' around here.


Yep! That's what I was thinking.

The lad starts off by telling us that "A few women have come on to me over the years but I always make it clear that I am not interested."

Lol! Yeah, right! They came on to him..... a few of them... And he knocks them all back. Wow, we're impressed! 

And then this, "So it was quite the shock for me recently when a woman struck up a conversation and I was instantly riveted."

Sounds like something out of one of those True Romance tabloids! Or a commercial for hair dye!

If the story is true, he's missing a major clue. If this woman initiated the conversation, she obviously said exactly everything he wanted to hear. She probably singled him out, and laid it on with a trowel. He doesn't say if she was drop-dead gorgeous, or just a plain old desperado looking for a gullible doofus.

He sure sounds gullible to me, so maybe she noticed it too.

Yep, whole story sounds like :bsflag:


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

So your collective advice is to not even speak to this incredible person that I met? Tell her I can never speak to her again, never look back, and focus on my mediocre marriage. 

Here's a central problem: My wife sees world in half-empty terms. She is a very negative person. That's just how she was brought up. Negativity seems to have been rewarded. And being a victim is also an important component of that. So there are always problems... pain, headaches, exhaustion, nausea... Complaints are a constant ritual. It's depressing. I guess way back she was less vocal about it... but it's very tough to be bombarded with relentless negativity.

The woman I met is so positive. So energized. Her focus is on making this world better. 

Imagine what a difference it makes to have constant negativity being communicated vs. a very positive outlook.

Ready. Set. Attack.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

Well, sunshine, you're copping constant negativity *here*, but you keep coming back for more! 

Grow up.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

By growing up, I assume you mean keep on compromising.


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

football said:


> So your collective advice is to not even speak to this incredible person that I met? Tell her I can never speak to her again, never look back, and focus on my mediocre marriage.


I would advise focus on your marriage first before you judge it as mediocre. If you're not working on it, it will continue to disappoint you. Moreover, I consider it a matter of respect to give your marriage the "last right of refusal," so to speak, before you pursue "what might be." 



football said:


> Here's a central problem: My wife sees world in half-empty terms. She is a very negative person. That's just how she was brought up. Negativity seems to have been rewarded. And being a victim is also an important component of that. So there are always problems... pain, headaches, exhaustion, nausea... Complaints are a constant ritual. It's depressing. I guess way back she was less vocal about it... but it's very tough to be bombarded with relentless negativity.
> 
> The woman I met is so positive. So energized. Her focus is on making this world better.
> 
> ...


Have you told your wife that you find her depressing? How did that go? Have you considered the empathetic approach and actually tried to help your wife feel more positive? 

You have to ask yourself one simple question at this moment. Other woman aside, do you want to be married to your wife?


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

football said:


> So your collective advice is to not even speak to this incredible person that I met? Tell her I can never speak to her again, never look back, and focus on my mediocre marriage.
> 
> Here's a central problem: My wife sees world in half-empty terms. She is a very negative person. That's just how she was brought up. Negativity seems to have been rewarded. And being a victim is also an important component of that. So there are always problems... pain, headaches, exhaustion, nausea... Complaints are a constant ritual. It's depressing. I guess way back she was less vocal about it... but it's very tough to be bombarded with relentless negativity.
> 
> ...


The attack comment is silly. You are the one teetering on the edge of blowing up your life.

Question: Why are you still married if your wife is such a downer?

If woman #2 is so wonderful, do yourself a favor and act with integrity. If she will "have you", knowing that you are married, then she ain't so wonderful and that show will turn into a nightmare eventually as well.

Integrity in this case means you make a decision about your wife independently of this other woman. The new woman gave you the gift of contrast to see your wife as she really is. 

What are you going to do about it?

Choices:

a) do nothing and suffer
b) quit enabling your wife and see where the cards fall (work on your marriage)
c) decide the marriage is doomed and divorce her

In any event, you need to mind your business and if fate has decided that you and this "new woman" are meant to be together, the date with fate can wait until you wrap up your current project.

Good luck.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

football said:


> By growing up, I assume you mean keep on compromising.


No, by "Grow up", I mean don't come to forums with tall tales of meeting mysterious exotic women who appear out of nowhere and blow your mind. 

Go see Mills and Boon. They're always looking for writers who can come up with this kind of stuff!


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy nails it! A+


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

football said:


> Divorce would be a disaster. Maintaining the status quo is just tragic. Tragic wins!
> 
> Why don't I get any credit from the marriage police for being faithful for 15 years? That's a long time.


Why would divorce be a disaster?

Is there children

Does your wife work?

Is she a SAHM?

I was very close to having an EA. I am just keeping my conversations with her more professional. I can understand chemistry with somebody new. How somebody else can be so interesting. I don't think it is real though. I have several years on you at 20. I am close to where you may be. My wife is just way too OC for me. She has her sweet moments though.

I do know that I am far from perfect. My wife puts up with my b.s. Who knows, After several years with this "OW" She would discover my hang-ups and kick me to the curb. Who knows!

I am just giving it more time...My wife has always been like this and your wife has always been the way she is. We both just didn't see it at the time.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

football said:


> So your collective advice is to not even speak to this incredible person that I met? Tell her I can never speak to her again, never look back, and focus on my mediocre marriage.
> 
> Here's a central problem: My wife sees world in half-empty terms. She is a very negative person. That's just how she was brought up. Negativity seems to have been rewarded. And being a victim is also an important component of that. So there are always problems... pain, headaches, exhaustion, nausea... Complaints are a constant ritual. It's depressing. I guess way back she was less vocal about it... but it's very tough to be bombarded with relentless negativity.
> 
> ...


Generally people put on their "sunday best" when meeting new people. When I met my wife I did not know about her money issues, I didn't know about the depression and anxiety problems she was having, I wasn't aware of a former fling that she has not and may never get over feeling in love with. 

By comparing your wife to this woman you are doing your wife a major disservice, she deserves better than this. Have you both considered some form of counseling to address these problems? You have spent a lot of time talking about her issues, are you able to be honest enough to look at your own issues that may be contributing to her negativity?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

This dude's a clown for real. Troll post.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

Ad hominem attack by Bottled Up! You guys are brutal.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

You can't say "ad hominem". We're not arguing a point with you here. We're calling you on your BS.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

BS as in I'm making this up? Or BS as in you have a different perspective?


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

It does appear that you're trying to stir things up here, football.
This is a PRO-marriage forum & most everyone will be in support of saving your marriage..although you seem to not want to hear any of it. Further, you are not open to help or suggestions, which is a red flag.. not to mention, very immature.
..so go ahead & find another forum with groups that support infidelity..because its clear that if you aren't BS, you are just feebly attempting to get validation for your lack of man-hood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

That explains it. Though you seemed to be even-handed.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I was..until the thread carried on the way it has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Just don't cheat on your wife Football.

If you want to date others, divorce your wife first.

I am sure this new girl will be as perfect as you believe.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

football said:


> BS as in I'm making this up? Or BS as in you have a different perspective?


You're making it up. You know it, and I know it.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

Mime, I assure you I am not making this up. Why would I waste my time doing so? The fact is, that I have no one that I can speak to about this. It's consuming me and I have no way to get any feedback. So it's helpful for me to have a forum where I can discuss it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

football said:


> I'm not asking for permission to cheat. I don't want to cheat.
> 
> I'm confused by what has happened and I am seeking objective perspective on something that is emotional for me.
> 
> I am not one who believes that "marriage" trumps all else. I have lived long enough to know that things in life are not so simple.


It’s a total fallacy that there is only one person in the world for us and that when we’re married we’ll never feel deep and very strong attractions to another woman. It’s what we do in response to those feelings that either keep us as a faithful husband or turn us into an unfaithful husband.

If divorce for you really would be the disaster you claim it would be such that it is not an option, then why on earth are you messing about? Your course is clear, move past those feelings and leave them in the past where they belong.

Of course you could get in with the other woman and have an affair. Before you do that, go take a good long read in Coping with Infidelity just to see the heartache you will most definitely be causing your wife and of course, if you do love your wife the pain you will be causing yourself.

Anyway, if you do not believe marriage should trump all else your marriage will most certainly fail at one time or another because you are simply not committed enough.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

Yeah, sure you are.

You joined an anonymous internet forum so that you could tell a bunch of total strangers that some strange woman hit on you and you're all in a dither about it... like we care...

You didn't join to talk about your marriage. You joined to talk about yourself.

Get over yourself.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

I posted in "The Men's Clubhouse". I didn't think I was going to be ripped to shreds for discussing something that has been tormenting me. I understand now that you only tolerate people who believe marriage is the be all and end all of civilization... You could be a tad civil about it.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

And I understand now why your wife, (if you have one), is so negative.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

football said:


> I posted in "The Men's Clubhouse". I didn't think I was going to be ripped to shreds for discussing something that has been tormenting me. I understand now that you only tolerate people who believe marriage is the be all and end all of civilization... You could be a tad civil about it.


Take a deep breath and read AFEH post to you. 

Some of us can be harsh and blunt, when it seems someone doesn't show respect for their spouse. We only go off what you write. If its not complete, you get what you get.


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## football (Jun 28, 2012)

Mime, you have been on this board for 10 days. That's 9 more than me. And you have taken it upon yourself to become the lead antagonist in a forum that you clearly do not like. Why?


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

Haven't you got bigger problems than that, hmmmm? 

You're pissed because I didn't get sucked into your story. Deal with it.


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## Sharpender (Jun 30, 2012)

Mime said:


> Haven't you got bigger problems than that, hmmmm?
> 
> You're pissed because I didn't get sucked into your story. Deal with it.


If you're not interested in giving any type of support, WTF are you here? Talk about a person with way too much time on their hands. You know what this thread is about, you're obviously not wearing your big boy/big girl pants, so go play with the other sanctimonious sub-humans in another thread. Too many of you are making this about sex and cheating. The OP never mentioned sex, he's talking about a connection with another person that he and his wife do not share.

Football... I understand completely where you're coming from. I'm in a similar situation. I've been married for 20 years and I have one 13yo daughter. I settled. Instead for putting myself out there and going after the woman I had a connection with, I settled. I love my wife, but not the way I love this other woman. I don't see this other woman, but we do have email contact. When we were together 23 years ago, everything was so easy. The same holds true today. Everything with my wife always feels forced. I don't/didn't believe in the soul-mate/fate BS either. But I know she's the one. How do I know? I don't know, I just feel it. She's married, but is also unhappy. Neither one of us will leave our current marriages because of kids. I want that connection, I want to love the woman on the pedestal, I want that closeness, I want...her. Instead, I'm married, and sometimes it feels like I'm rowing a slave ship. 
This isn't about sex, so to those of you who will offer your insults and tell me I'm thinking with my penis, let me preempt you by telling you to shove your condemnation up your ass, sideways, unlubed, repeatedly.


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## Mime (Jun 20, 2012)

Sharpender said:


> But I know she's the one. How do I know? I don't know, I just feel it.
> 
> I want that connection, I want to love the woman on the pedestal, I want that closeness, I want...her.
> 
> Instead, I'm married, and sometimes it feels like I'm rowing a slave ship.


ROFLMAO! And I didn't think this thread could get any funnier. :rofl:

.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mime said:


> ROFLMAO! And I didn't think this thread could get any funnier. :rofl:
> 
> .


Now you are sounding like, behaving like a troll.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

This type of thing in a marriage can be seen by the husband as a fitness test. “Am I a fit husband, or not?” And in that sense I got tested many times when with my wife in the 4 decades we were together.

Not only with that seemingly immediate and deep connection with a woman you’ve not even spoken to, but with a woman working in the office where the attraction starts off strong and just keeps getting stronger. And then almost total strangers knocking on your hotel bedroom door at one in the morning for “a light”.

All these are fitness tests for a husband and subsequently the man inside of him. I didn’t pass all my fitness tests, no way. But I did for the last 35 years of our relationship and I’m quite proud of that. My wife didn’t pass all of her fitness tests though but I’m certain she got many more than I or any other man on the planet ever will.

As to whether you pass or fail the fitness tests that come your way will in the eyes of many and in your own eyes define the very “type” of man you are.


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## lostwithin (Jun 23, 2012)

Football, 

I know exactly how you feel. The negative attitude, the lack of energy and/or drive. Its not as if i have a bad life. I have a home, cars, two wonderful healthy children and we get along pretty decently but we're more really good friends than lovers or husband and wife for that matter.

I also know exactly how you feel about this unexplained connection, something you CANNOT put into words feeling towards this woman. The series of events in our lives to create the circumstances in which we met were unimaginable. I've had women approach me, offer themselves, the whole gambit. I've fantasized about sexy women i've met. Thought "man, just one night". This girl did NONE of those things except look straight into my soul like no person has ever done and just talk. I have not sexually fantasized about her but rather dreamed of walking hand in hand and laughing and being with her for eternity. It sounds stupid and crazy and ludicrous and silly.... We know this.

And for three weeks it's been tearing me apart inside. Just when I think I've pushed her out of my mind, the sadness and heartache that she's gone comes rushing back and I cry and I feel empty.

I came here for advice on the very thing you're looking for and the conclusion I've come to is that I HAVE to give my wife a chance. Marrying her was my choice, even if i feel i was never actually in love. I've since talked her about some things that need correcting and if that happens then we can make it work. She deserves that much. I made a commitment and as a MAN I have to try abide by that.

I will always wonder what might have been with "her" because I know I'm not insane. I know what I felt was real, for the first time in my life. The naysayers can say we're faking it or we're full of it or it's infatuation.... whatever!! they will never understand until they FEEL it themselves. I wish everyone could experience what you, me and sharpened, felt just once in their lives.

If she was my soulmate, we'll find each other again, in the right time and the right circumstances.

Godspeed to you.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

lostwithin said:


> The naysayers can say we're faking it or we're full of it or it's infatuation.... whatever!! they will never understand until they FEEL it themselves. I wish everyone could experience what is we felt just once in their lives.


You guys crack me up. You are like a bunch of 15 year olds with a first crush.

Grow up.

I "felt it" and married her a couple of decades ago. I still "FEEL" it.

What you are "feeling" is a dopamine reaction because someone noticed you and reciprocated. Twinkies served on paper plates would look like a multi-course dinner at a 3 star restaurant to someone who is starving. 

I think we have 3 love sick puppies in this thread - look up dopamine gentlemen, your judgement is currently about as good as that of a crack addict.

So, pine away while you listen to the rationalization hamster spew the Love Song of AJP or go stand in front of the mirror and observe the man that you led you and your relationship into its current state of distress.

The pattern will repeat, with your wife or a new love, until you fix you.

What do you intend to do about it?


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## lostwithin (Jun 23, 2012)

People seem to be reading only what they want to read. 

All 3 of us "crazies" have clearly stated we've had women approach us during our relationships but we have not acted on those. I'm sure we all could have had several mistresses or flings or what have you but that's not what it's about. 

FormerNiceGuy.... I think we envy you sir. I didn't feel that way about my wife as you did. She got pregnant and I felt it was my duty to marry her and I did and for 12 years I'm still here. And if you'd read, I have every intention of being there going forward, as does Sharpender. Our man Football is TBD.

We're trying to be sincere and you and mime are just being hyper critical.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

lostwithin said:


> We're trying to be sincere and you and mime are just being hyper critical.


Not reading or someone isn't listening. Which is it?

Let's play a game. Would you kindly answer these questions?

1. Are you living your life honestly and with integrity?

2. Let's assume that there would be no negative consequences to any action you might choose to take. 

What would you need to change, if anything, to bring your inner thoughts and outward actions into alignment?

3. As a father, you have a responsibility to support and help raise your children. 

Who is the best role model for your child: (i) a man who faithfully, but passively, stays with his wife in a loveless marriage out of duty, (ii) a man who "wakes up" in a loveless marriage and takes action to force change (including the possible dissolution of the marriage), (iii) a man who cheats on his wife but stays in the marriage "for the children" or (iv) you supply the action.

What characteristics does the man in your choice above exhibit that you think make him the best role model? 

What principles is he modeling for his children by his behavior?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lostwithin said:


> People seem to be reading only what they want to read.
> 
> All 3 of us "crazies" have clearly stated we've had women approach us during our relationships but we have not acted on those. I'm sure we all could have had several mistresses or flings or what have you but that's not what it's about.
> 
> ...


Envy? As in .

Maybe you're both envious. Maybe FNG has never been hit on and that's where his anger comes from. As an adult I've never done envy. Just never felt it, not one little bit. I've been inspired to greater things through the achievements of others, but I've never envied others achievements, lifestyles or whatever. Envy is for the little people.

Be inspired by but never be envious of others.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Maybe FNG has never been hit on and that's where his anger comes from.


AFEH, I see you forgot to take your medicine again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> AFEH, I see you forgot to take your medicine again.


There are people at all stages of their development FNG. All stages of their development. What seems crazy and unreal to you, is very sane and real to them.

How was your mocking supposed to help them? Tell us that. What was your “design” in the response you gave, your motivations, why you did what you did? I must have missed something. Did I? Educate me. If you don’t tell, then your intentions were not good, not good at all. 

Take your good self in your development. You’ve given yourself the name of FormerNiceGuy.

If you truly knew, if you were at a different stage of development in your own life you would call yourself RecoveringNiceGuy. Because that helps you not to slip back into old habits, old compulsive behaviour.

Much like an alcoholic who truly gets it, understands these things never calls himself FormerAlcoholic. Because he knows for a fact that he is a recovering alcoholic and just one more sip from the font and he’s way back to where he started from. And that's why he names himself as such. RecoveringAlcoholic. Just by the name you have called yourself, I know you don’t know these things.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

aliot of judgement in this thread. i like the stages AFEH describes, i can see my self heading the direction of the OP. if a woman i was attracted to showed me some attention right now, i would be extremely vulnerable to her. i will shoulder any blame the judgmental would like to heap upon me, bring it. my wife has checked out and i simply cannot afford to leave the marriage, cant do it and wont do it until my kids are out. dont preach about the kids will be better off BS, they wouldnt be. i have tried talking, manning up, cuddling, rubbing, blah blah blah. didnt work. she basically has tried nothing.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you should divorce. Why should you be denied such a wonderful woman. You have done your time with a difficult woman and you should be rewarded. Divorce is not worse than living the rest of your life without this woman especially when you compare her to your wife. 

I don't think any rational person would expect you to live miserably when such an idyllic life awaits you. it is too much to ask. But I wonder why you posted here. You Seem to be looking for conflict not advice. 

Do you think marriage is a prison is that what you are getting at? Are you saying that leaving an unsatisfactory relationship should carry no penalties? When something better comes along, it is unconscionable that you cannot easily get out of your commitment to your wife and kids, if your have any. if that it? I think you should say just that. 

Many people would agree that staying faithful to the same person over the course of time is unrealistic. If you harbor these beliefs, they favor you right now because you want to ditch your wife. But they wont always- suppose this wonderful woman wants to ditch you after getting to know you? What will you think then? 

There are some things i think you should consider and fix before you embark on this journey of love and harmony with this incredible woman. You seem to be an oppositional, argumentative, judgmental, supercilious elitist. These are not attractive attributes and may make even a wonderful woman unhappy with you. 

If this woman is as wonderful as you say, she can easily attract another man when she gets the full force of you true nature. She may ask the same question you are asking about your wife - why should she stay with such a negative person when there is a better man within reach. That is, if the above describes you. If I am wrong please forgive me. You don't come across as likable. 

I am certain there are some characteristics that this wonderful woman finds attractive in you. However, the characteristics you seem to reveal here, are not be among them. If you are what you seem to be here in just a few post, I doubt that you will be able to conceal your true nature from this wonderful woman for long.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

How would you feel if your wife met another man? Felt this spark with him and not you. Perhaps she should play the field and test drive another man to see if this would make her life more content. Maybe she should be the one starting an affair with someone new.

Work on your marriage. Get your spark back or create a new one. It's not that difficult. It starts out with a few compliments to your spouse. Stop carrying around your resentments towards her. 

If you are not willing to fix your marriage, take the easy road and divorce her before you even speak to this other woman. BTW, you are in the midst of an emotional affair. You already are "cheating" on your wife, emotionally.

There are no excuses that can justify an affair. It would not be your wife's fault, but the fault of your own actions and betrayal towards her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> aliot of judgement in this thread. i like the stages AFEH describes, i can see my self heading the direction of the OP. if a woman i was attracted to showed me some attention right now, i would be extremely vulnerable to her. i will shoulder any blame the judgmental would like to heap upon me, bring it. my wife has checked out and i simply cannot afford to leave the marriage, cant do it and wont do it until my kids are out. dont preach about the kids will be better off BS, they wouldnt be. i have tried talking, manning up, cuddling, rubbing, blah blah blah. didnt work. she basically has tried nothing.


Why wait until a woman comes along. Are you afraid that you will not be able to attract and hold another woman? Be brave, divorce and get out there. I don't think you will have any problems getting attention from woman. You said that children are not better off if you stay.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This is a sticky situation..
I for one ,believe that people come into our lives for a reason. It's up to us to allow how far and deep they reach into us.
I do not believe in that " soul mate" BS. 
I believe that some couples are more compatible,and people react differently in different environments. Marriage is a work in progress.It never stops,everyday your husband/wife is a different person.
Some people know they are weak. They are easily confused,and lines get blurred. As I have said before,I have many female friends.I have NEVER complained about my wife to any of them.That is how far I am prepared to let them get into me. 
I have met women who appear amazing, whom I work extremely well with.But a working relationship and a live in relationship are two different things.

This is my " advice" to the original poster.
If you and this OW have this connection or chemistry and you are sure about it then there is only one way it could work.
Let her wait until you are divorced . If she really loves you,and believes in you,she will wait. If divorce is not an option now,then you are wasting your time. Forget her,when the time is right,someone else will come around.
Anything else will cause tremendous loss and pain on every side.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Something you may want to think about is that, generally, those who are looking for the greener pasture don't stop looking when they move from one pasture to the other. 

I was on the other side in all of this, I still am, my wife cannot stop fixating on another man, to the point where she has cut my friends out of her life online and added his friends in. She claims to want to work things out, much like some of you do, but her actions don't really reflect that. Just so you know, you are on the path to destroy your spouse and ruin your family. I am so f'ed up by all of this in my life that right now I feel like I'll never be sane again. And this is coming from someone who had a great life going before my spouse decided to have an emotional affair.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If you don’t tell, then your intentions were not good, not good at all.


Is that so.

My gift to you is not my words, but the fact that they have caused you to react so strongly. 

You will grow in self-awareness if you choose to figure out why.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> Is that so.
> 
> My gift to you is not my words, but the fact that they have caused you to react so strongly.
> 
> You will grow in self-awareness if you choose to figure out why.


Knew you couldn't do it.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

To get back to the OP here:

football, I'd like to hear a little bit more about your marriage relationship with your wife. 

Why did you marry her in the first place? At what point did things start to change? 

And now, an honesty check here, if you had to list the three major things that she dislikes about you, your behaviors that upset her, what would those be? 

I see a lot of "me me me" talk, I'd like to know more about the "we" in your relationship.


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