# Sooooo confused



## HAPPY DAD (Apr 22, 2018)

1


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Hi, your first step is to consult a divorce attorney. They will tell you in what order things must happen. If there are minor children involved, then you need to get some type of paperwork filed (differs by state) to set up interim custody and financial arrangements. Don't wait for your wife to do things.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

On a subconscious level, how much respect do you think she felt for you that you were willing to look the other way regarding her affair, while she was pursuing and consummating her affair with her AP?

How much respect did you feel for yourself when you were begging her to return to the marriage?

The reason I ask these hard questions is that respect (or a lack of it) is at the core of the affair.

The bright side is that it is not too late for your self respect...but I think your marriage is done. 

The reason filing is encouraged is to demonstrate, with concrete action, that you will not tolerate sharing her. 

No matter what you did...or failed to do...she chose to cheat. She could have divorced you first. Instead, she decided to allow herself to pursue another man. This is not a mid life crisis. This is actions of a low character person. 

The most important question that you must answer is why you love yourself so little that you would essentially beg a low character person to return to you. Don't you feel you deserve better? 

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

I would file, have her served, and ask her to work out the details of custody, property, etc. 

Then, get into counseling to figure out why you were angry, withdrawn, and generally not a good partner. This will help you with a future partner. It likely starts with your family of origin (FOO).

Sorry you are here.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> On a subconscious level, how much respect do you think she felt for you that you were willing to look the other way regarding her affair, while she was pursuing and consummating her affair with her AP?
> 
> How much respect did you feel for yourself when you were begging her to return to the marriage?
> 
> ...


*I second FSJ's motion, @HAPPY DAD

Your STBXW was deceptive enough to covertly cheat on you then to lie to you about it! You mean little to nothing to her!

It's important to file first because that will give your attorney more negotiating leverage to use in your pursuit of custody and personal property issues! 

Continue with "the 180" process and try to get yourself some time in IC(Individual Counseling). Best of luck to you, my friend!*


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## HAPPY DAD (Apr 22, 2018)

1


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

HAPPY DAD said:


> Just to update we started counseling last week. We are working out details of the separation now. We have been rotating days at the house with the kids (trying to keep it as normal for them as possible) however I told her I think we need to move it into a more permanent setting. Yes I want to keep the kids in mind, but with divorce looming right in front of our face, then I think the kids deserve to see how our "new" will be.
> 
> 
> As we talked divorce, we agreed to sell the house and split the equity in half and to joint custody of the kids. No child support either way.
> ...


*That is so true! 

But even if you successfully reconciled, you would be rather busy trying to grow eyes in the back of your head ~ because you would develop the "gut instinct" that whenever she left the house, the possibility would always exist in your mind that she's possibly off to see the OM either at his abode or the local hotel! And that, in and of itself, would constantly be pecking away at you like a starving buzzard!

Just a point of edification: Is the guy that your wife was/is fooling around with married, perchance?*


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## HAPPY DAD (Apr 22, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *That is so true!
> 
> But if even if you reconciled, you would be rather busy trying to grow eyes in the back of your head ~ because you would develop the "gut instinct" that whenever she left the house, the possibility would always exist in your mind that she's possibly off to the Other Man's House! And that would always be eating at you like a starving buzzard!
> 
> Just a point of edification: Is the guy that your wife was/is fooling around with married, perchance?*




I already have the "gut' instinct. When your parents take off when you are 14, you develop that instinct very quickly.

And yes he is married. He is the one who confessed. Of course I went to his house and called him out on it.

Threatened to share all the info I had with his wife and family, employer (they work together and that is prohibited) and his church (my manager and others I work with are big in his church) 

I also threaten to split his head open, and I gave him the choice of whether it would be my fist, tire tool, or split down the middle with the pistol in my pocket


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

HAPPY DAD said:


> I already have the "gut' instinct. When your parents take off when you are 14, you develop that instinct very quickly.
> 
> And yes he is married. He is the one who confessed. Of course I went to his house and called him out on it.
> 
> ...


You should have told the wife BEFORE confronting POSOM. Now he is telling his wife about some "CRAZY" guy making up stories. Talk to an attorney TOMORROW. See what attorney says about exposure. Use it as leverage on you cheatin STBXW.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I tell ya what worked for me is just act like you moved on. Start living a new life, act divorce, screw the rules, start dating other women, act done. I done all this now my and my wife on a reconciliation path.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HAPPY DAD said:


> I already have the "gut' instinct. When your parents take off when you are 14, you develop that instinct very quickly.
> 
> And yes he is married. He is the one who confessed. Of course I went to his house and called him out on it.
> 
> ...


Your words don't mean a damn thing in this situation. Inform his wife and quit helping hide their affair. You'll only enable it further.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HAPPY DAD said:


> Hey everyone, I am new here, and new to this whole separation deal.........and I am really struggling.
> 
> Been married almost 19 years and together 20. For the middle part of our marriage the stress of fatherhood was hard on me and I didnt do a good job with how I talked to my wife, and with learning how to put her first in our marriage. I was abandoned at 14 years old by my parents and I was never taught much of anything except what I taught myself.
> 
> ...


Most betrayed spouses make the mistake of blaming themselves for the waywards affair. Nope that's all on her. And it's with a married man no less. Blowing up two families in the process. You didn't cause that. It's all on her and her other man.

The other most common mistake is to try and help them hide their affair. Affairs only thrive in secret and darkness. 

Better wake up and get moving.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

HAPPY DAD said:


> Just to update we started counseling last week. We are working out details of the separation now. We have been rotating days at the house with the kids (trying to keep it as normal for them as possible) however I told her I think we need to move it into a more permanent setting. Yes I want to keep the kids in mind, but with divorce looming right in front of our face, then I think the kids deserve to see how our "new" will be.
> 
> As we talked divorce, we agreed to sell the house and split the equity in half and to joint custody of the kids. No child support either way.
> 
> ...


 @HAPPY DAD, Buddy let me make this easier for you, the first thing that you need to do is read the first replay to your thread. He spelled it out perfectly. 

Brother, you need to really get your self respect back and you need to do it fast. 

If it helps, your wife probably never loved you, or did not love you that much, you were a nice guy with a good paycheck. 

Things to know, your "wife's" PHYSICAL AFFAIR has been going on way longer than you can imagine and it is probably not the first time. 

You need to file ASAP and get her out of your life except for the kids. I realize that you are hurting bad. But being weak with her, makes her despise you, it makes her want to throw up. 

Stop doing that, but not to get her back, but when you wake up, you will still have your balls. 

Right now you lost them and you need to find them. If the counseling you are talking about is marriage counseling, then stop it. She is still in her affair, whether she admits it or not. 

Please have some self respect and get her gone except for the kids...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HAPPY DAD said:


> Just to update we started counseling last week. We are working out details of the separation now. We have been rotating days at the house with the kids (trying to keep it as normal for them as possible) however I told her I think we need to move it into a more permanent setting. Yes I want to keep the kids in mind, but with divorce looming right in front of our face, then I think the kids deserve to see how our "new" will be.
> 
> 
> As we talked divorce, we agreed to sell the house and split the equity in half and to joint custody of the kids. No child support either way.
> ...


You seem proud of taking care of yourself in the past. Wallowing in Infidelty is getting you what?

Start taking care of yourself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

HAPPY DAD said:


> I already have the "gut' instinct. When your parents take off when you are 14, you develop that instinct very quickly.
> 
> And yes he is married. He is the one who confessed. Of course I went to his house and called him out on it.
> 
> ...


Dude you have a moral obligation to tell his wife at the least and the church if he is a leader there. Exposure is the fastest way to brake the fantasy. 

I know it's hard to believe but there is better out there for you. Don't make this your responsibility. You are responsible for problems in the marriage, she should have told you and then left you if it was bad enough. Cheating is how people with poor character respond to relationship problems which means this is all on her.

She is going to crash and burn you watch. 

Tell his wife today. If you were her wouldn't you want someone to tell you. Don't tell her you are telling him. Tell her parents why you are divorcing as well. Do you kids know? Your job is to protect yourself not her at this point.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

HAPPY DAD said:


> Just to update we started counseling last week. We are working out details of the separation now. We have been rotating days at the house with the kids (trying to keep it as normal for them as possible) however I told her I think we need to move it into a more permanent setting. Yes I want to keep the kids in mind, but with divorce looming right in front of our face, then I think the kids deserve to see how our "new" will be.
> 
> 
> As we talked divorce, we agreed to sell the house and split the equity in half and to joint custody of the kids. No child support either way.
> ...


No, bro, most of us don’t kick them to the curb immediately. We cry, plead, worry, cry, beg, worry, stall, stall some more.

But, you know what 99.9% of us wish we’d have done in day one? File for divorce and consider them dead. Because the wife we once new was dead the day we learned she cheated. They killed the marriage by being w another man and killing their feelings for their husband.

Once they lose their feelings for you, they never come back.
I’m sorry, it’s just the way it is.

Get a lawyer and move forward with your life and never look back and you will be much happier.
Hoping she will change her mind is the worst possible thing for you to do. You shouldn’t want her to. 

You can be happy again. Just not with your cheater.
Sorry.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

HAPPY DAD said:


> I already have the "gut' instinct. When your parents take off when you are 14, you develop that instinct very quickly.
> 
> And yes he is married. He is the one who confessed. Of course I went to his house and called him out on it.
> 
> ...


*I know that you've been egregiously hurt, my friend. "Been there ~ done that!" But please try to refrain from any violent tendencies. 

Off all the people in the world, you do not need to be imprisoned! Just notification of his W and their HR Department will be quite enough! The rest will take care of itself!

You will remain firmly entrenched within my prayers! *


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

HAPPY DAD said:


> I already have the "gut' instinct. When your parents take off when you are 14, you develop that instinct very quickly.
> 
> And yes he is married. He is the one who confessed. Of course I went to his house and called him out on it.
> 
> ...


You SHOULD share your info with all of his family (ESPECIALLY his wife), etc.. Blow this up. YOUR WIFE cheated, not you. This will make sure she can't re-write your marital history and make sure to all your friends/family what the reasons for the divorce are. There may have been marriage problems but YOU DID NOT cause her to cheat -- that is 100% on her. A moral person would have divorced you and then moved on. Don't do anything to the POSOM that will get you in trouble with the law -- you need to be there for your kids.


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