# when does it end.....how does it end



## shattered man

So here i am ......6 months post final divorce.....14 months post me finally leaving her cheating behind.....I started over blah blah blah new house new job...new "take" on life...after what she did to me.....how is it i cant HATE her. I mean a 2 year affair.....before i caught her....and another 6 months of lies after i caught her.....she shrugs it off and im left in a world of $hit. My kids seem to be drifting away....i do what i can for them ...i have 50/50 custody and sink every last penny into finishing a basement for them rooms bathroom rec room.......and yet they still seem to be bothered when they come to my house.....1100 sq ft my OLD house was over 3000 btw i gave that and the mortgage to her.....when does the sense of normalcy take ahold? when does it get easier to see the other piece of garbage that has stepped into my place........


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## stillhoping

UGH, I hate the words "started over", a new beginning and "moved on". I am 2 years post D, 3 years since he moved out. I finally sold my old house, bought a new one, which I love. But since I didn't get to choose this path in life, I was kicked here by someone else, I didn't 
"start over, begin again or move on". I am a grown woman, there is too much important in my past which I accomplished to want a completely new beginning. 

I don't know when it will start to feel normal again, for me or for you. This is our life now. We need to be ok with that


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## manticore

Are you not with your GF anymore?, I remember that you were reaching a good place with her.

if you are with her focus, in her, regarding your kids, you should them then to be careful with the POSOM, for what I remember he left the kids of his EX fiancee and if they were nothing just as he left her. make your kids aware of that without trying to sound devious or resentful, look the help of your oldest to have the other 2 aware of the situation and why POSOM is not the good man he pretend to be with them.


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## Paradise

shattered man said:


> So here i am ......6 months post final divorce.....14 months post me finally leaving her cheating behind.....I started over blah blah blah new house new job...new "take" on life...after what she did to me.....how is it i cant HATE her. I mean a 2 year affair.....before i caught her....and another 6 months of lies after i caught her.....she shrugs it off and im left in a world of $hit. My kids seem to be drifting away....i do what i can for them ...i have 50/50 custody and sink every last penny into finishing a basement for them rooms bathroom rec room.......and yet they still seem to be bothered when they come to my house.....1100 sq ft my OLD house was over 3000 btw i gave that and the mortgage to her.....when does the sense of normalcy take ahold? when does it get easier to see the other piece of garbage that has stepped into my place........


Ya know, crap happens in life. I had the same exact victim mentality. Trying to compare my life to my ex. Worrying about that sack of sh!t she cheated on me with and married. Worried about my child not wanting to be with me. My kid still comes to our home and nothing is as good as it is with her mom. Yes, it stings like freakin' crazy, especially when I was trying so damn hard to provide a nice place for her. As time has gone on and my daughter begins acting like that I just remind her that I am doing my best and that I am here for her if she ever wants to talk and I leave it be. I also quit comparing myself to my ex. Yes, she drives fancier cars, lives in a new home, goes on 3 or 4 vacations a year, and holds a double standard over my head because she feels she is entitled. 

I realized a while back that I was putting my entire life on hold just because my ex and some random fella crap on my and my life. Guess it was time to pick myself up finally and dust off and join life again.


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## EnjoliWoman

Maybe you have reached an even better place - indifference? 

Do you think that perhaps when the kids are with you, you guys aren't really communicating? Like you are just residing in the same place going about the motions? 

How old are the kids? Maybe it's time to just sit down during dinner and say you feel a bit off and you know it's going to take some time. You may never be the "old you" - you can only work on being who you are now. You can't pretend nothing has changed and ignore the white elephant in the room. Maybe a heart-to-heart is in order. Not specifically about what caused the divorce but that you have been hurting and haven't been able to give much to them (emotionally) yet you love them so much...

Have you been seeing a counselor? Are you sort of repressing everything (including the anger you feel is curiously absent) both good and the bad?

It can be painful going through all of the emotions but you do have to process them all. Otherwise you'll just be numb and going through the motions and that's no way to live.


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## SamuraiJack

shattered man said:


> So here i am ......6 months post final divorce.....14 months post me finally leaving her cheating behind.....I started over blah blah blah new house new job...new "take" on life...after what she did to me.....how is it i cant HATE her. I mean a 2 year affair.....before i caught her....and another 6 months of lies after i caught her.....she shrugs it off and im left in a world of $hit. My kids seem to be drifting away....i do what i can for them ...i have 50/50 custody and sink every last penny into finishing a basement for them rooms bathroom rec room.......and yet they still seem to be bothered when they come to my house.....1100 sq ft my OLD house was over 3000 btw i gave that and the mortgage to her.....when does the sense of normalcy take ahold? when does it get easier to see the other piece of garbage that has stepped into my place........


Have you tried actually talking to them? Dont bother hating her and never disparage her in front of your own kids. She is, after all is said and done, their mother. Boys tend to feel a good bit of loyalty to their mothers.

I have done this with my girls. I simply shrug and say that's not what I had in mind when I got married but Im making the best of it.

Above all. Make sure your boys know that they are still the best thing since sliced bread and that nothing can change that. I tell my girls all the time " I would do it all again in a heartbeat because it meant meeting my daughters."

I have an ex who occasionally tries to interrupt that state of mind. You just have to stay as positive as you can.

Save the bitterness for when the boys arent around if you need to express it. Journaling helps a lot.:smthumbup:


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## shattered man

I saw a counselor.....she wasnt what i felt i needed.....ive had the anger.....the guilt of what did i do wrong.....the questions........the mind movies.......if you dont call it moving on what do you call it? Yes im numb......still.....me and my GF and doing ok.....i go thru bouts of do i love her.....and yes i love her......but why should i trust anyone......for lack of better terms she LOVES me..and i like her alot.....shes amazing with my kids....my family..and treats me like royalty......my house remodel is coming along slow.....money....meh.....i think my kids have figured uot how to play each of us to get a better deal....and i hate it.....im the bad dad and shes the fun loving mom.......my kids talk to her the weeks i have them but they barely respond to me when i try to contact them when they are at their moms.....

when did society accept cheating as a way of life and be ok with it......remember when that was so frowned upon that people actually left the area.......they both strut around like they did no wrong and people still accept them.......society is swirling in a giant toilet bowl.........sooner or later its going to get flushed


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## WatchmansMoon

Hang in there, Shattered Man. I checked your profile to see how old your kids are, but you just mentioned they are girls. Emotionally, girls are very up and down under the best of circumstances. The pendulum may swing your way in the future and you'll be the "favorite" parent. Girls can even have a way of making both parents feel like scum, and considering your family's been split apart like it has, they have to be hurting. I doubt that their mother's feeling as many warm fuzzies from them as you may feel. HUGS to you!

~ Seek the Light ~


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## SamuraiJack

shattered man said:


> I saw a counselor.....she wasnt what i felt i needed.....ive had the anger.....the guilt of what did i do wrong.....the questions........the mind movies.......if you dont call it moving on what do you call it? Yes im numb......still.....me and my GF and doing ok.....i go thru bouts of do i love her.....and yes i love her......but why should i trust anyone......for lack of better terms she LOVES me..and i like her alot.....shes amazing with my kids....my family..and treats me like royalty......my house remodel is coming along slow.....money....meh.....i think my kids have figured uot how to play each of us to get a better deal....and i hate it.....im the bad dad and shes the fun loving mom.......my kids talk to her the weeks i have them but they barely respond to me when i try to contact them when they are at their moms.....
> 
> when did society accept cheating as a way of life and be ok with it......remember when that was so frowned upon that people actually left the area.......they both strut around like they did no wrong and people still accept them.......society is swirling in a giant toilet bowl.........sooner or later its going to get flushed


Ahhhh...you have GIRLS. 
Okay you have to rest a little easier.
It may not seem like it but the girls are doing a combination of giving you space and observing you to see how you respond. The common factor here is not your ex or your GF.
Its you.

They are waiting to see how you rally and get back to being the dad they knew...or at least get back to stable.
I can tell from your writing that right now you are an inconsistent mess and kids dont like to see that in parents. It makes them uneasy and nervous. 

Parents are supposed to be able to take care of their kids...not the other way around.

Trust me on this. I have two super girls, but even they distanced themselves because they didnt want to take sides.

I finally ended up telling them that I loved them no matter what and I wasnt going to ask them to take sides. Then i developed a little plan, declared my pity party to be over and started living again.

The weekends I didnt have the girls were VERY tough. I wont kid you. But it does get better. I spent a lot of time reading self help and doing whatever I could to stay occupied...my lawn was IMMACULATE!

This WILL get better...you just have to hang on and concentrate on your girls.
As long as they dont feel any pressure to side with you or tend your wounds, you will become much more accessible.

PS. You will also be providing them with the role modeling for recovering from a catastrophic event. The strength you show now will be the strength they show when it happens to them.

Good Luck!


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## shattered man

God forgive me for admitting this.......Im beginning to resent my kids for spending time with the lying bastard that the ex is with......ya ya ya nobody can replace the dad......but....he has the money to sway them.....he did it to his prior fiances kids and mine are right in line to follow.......


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## Thundarr

shattered man said:


> God forgive me for admitting this.......Im beginning to resent my kids for spending time with the lying bastard that the ex is with......ya ya ya nobody can replace the dad......but....he has the money to sway them.....he did it to his prior fiances kids and mine are right in line to follow.......


Well yea. Your "fairness meter" is going crazy. But think about it. They're getting what they deserve: each other. A new relationship built on both partners knowing the other one cheats. The delusion only lasts so long. And they'll stay together unhappy for a long time just out of pride to prove they were (meant to be and not POSs). Hopefully he's a positive influence on your kids in other ways while he's around them. The relationship between your EX and the OM however is SOL.


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## Shooboomafoo

Shattered Man,
Similar story here. Ex had the affair, divorced me, moved her OM into the marital home (almost immediately), got married recently, and I have my daughter every other week. She's 12. She spends the other week at her moms, with this dude. He does the ordinary helping out... transport the kid from school some days,, 

My biggest pain about any of this, is that "that" time was supposed to be mine. I didn't have a kid to spend only half her life with her as a child. To have something so important to me, handed over even in part.. to the "other man" that was instrumental in the destruction of my marriage/family is a wound that I've cursed the skies for. Not that it does any good. 
Currently still finding new areas of the situation that I must find a way to accept, and its not easy. 
I could care less about the ex, she's not who I married anymore,,, its just the "sharing" of time/influence/male-rolemodel/ issues that totally digs at me sometimes. 

Kids are fickle. Your ex might be spreading some garbage, making you out to be something you are not, but I found that you cant keep up that kind of talk about someone else, when it is not supported in reality. The kids will see you aside from what their mom says, and also witness her own faults and breakdowns... 
Give it some time I guess is all I am saying... reality shines brighter than suggestion.


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## SamuraiJack

shattered man said:


> God forgive me for admitting this.......Im beginning to resent my kids for spending time with the lying bastard that the ex is with......ya ya ya nobody can replace the dad......but....he has the money to sway them.....he did it to his prior fiances kids and mine are right in line to follow.......


In my circle of friends this is how we would respond...so take this as friendly. 

*SMACK*! (Right upside the head)

STOP IT!
This pity party crap is the reason your daughters dont want to be around you. The situation is bad enough without having to endure your moaning about it. 
Sometimes you need to protect your daughters from yourself.
I believe now would be the time.

In the meantime you have to hold on to this one simple truth.

They only have ONE father. 
If you raised them even half right, they will see he is manipulating them...eventually.
IT may take some time or they may decide to work him for everything he has because they know this relationship wont last.

You have the opportunity to show them that life can be crap but you dont have to succumb to it. The truth WILL come out. Kids very rarely miss it.

In the meantime work on getting your power back. Be the Dad your girls need right now.

Kiss them, hug them and tell them that no matter what happens they will always be your most favorite people in the world and you are proud to be their father. 

Then barbeque the crap out of everything you see...

I promise you this will end, but right now you cant afford to be the sand on the beach. You need to be the rock.


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## shattered man

you can slap me all you want...lol......i know it was meant in good fun...however...like it was said ....i didnt start a family to be a part time father.....my girls were/are everything to me......and to have MY time cut in half by this is almost too much to handle at times.....I know the OM's ex fiance.....it was a good friend of ours who had 3 boys.....who he also manipulated over time to gain their trust......then when they were cast aside for my wife and kids 2 of them wee devastated to the point of therapy and counciling.......like i said my kids are next in line for this trauma....my ex doesnt see it this way.....her selfishness caused this but his money is buying them out of it.....i know my girls are hurting.......but they are geared like me......they dont like to talk openly...plus they have been coached NOT to tell daddy about what they see or hear or do.......this relationship based on lies is doomed to fail......havent my kids been thru enough already? and wha hrts the most.....its my job to protect my family...isnt it....how do i protect them from this?


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## 3Xnocharm

shattered man said:


> you can slap me all you want...lol......i know it was meant in good fun...however...like it was said ....i didnt start a family to be a part time father.....my girls were/are everything to me......and to have MY time cut in half by this is almost too much to handle at times.....I know the OM's ex fiance.....it was a good friend of ours who had 3 boys.....who he also manipulated over time to gain their trust......then when they were cast aside for my wife and kids 2 of them wee devastated to the point of therapy and counciling.......like i said my kids are next in line for this trauma....my ex doesnt see it this way.....her selfishness caused this but his money is buying them out of it.....i know my girls are hurting.......but they are geared like me......they dont like to talk openly...plus they have been coached NOT to tell daddy about what they see or hear or do.......this relationship based on lies is doomed to fail......havent my kids been thru enough already? and wha hrts the most.....its my job to protect my family...isnt it....how do i protect them from this?


I didnt see how old your kids are. Do they know the TRUTH about why your marriage ended? That mommy dearest is putting them in with the man who helped to end it? If not, they need to be enlightened. That doesnt mean giving gory detail, or a tirade about what a horrible person their mother is (even though true!), but knowing the truth may help them avoid being manipulated by him. 

As far as how to move on from this...look at it from this perspective. You were in one of the most disgusting, heart wrenching, soul stealing situations being married to that cheater. NOW YOU ARENT. Right there, your life is instantly improved. You can now wipe the slime off of you and create a clean life for yourself and your girls.


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## SamuraiJack

shattered man said:


> you can slap me all you want...lol......i know it was meant in good fun...however...like it was said ....i didnt start a family to be a part time father.....my girls were/are everything to me......and to have MY time cut in half by this is almost too much to handle at times.....I know the OM's ex fiance.....it was a good friend of ours who had 3 boys.....who he also manipulated over time to gain their trust......then when they were cast aside for my wife and kids 2 of them wee devastated to the point of therapy and counciling.......like i said my kids are next in line for this trauma....my ex doesnt see it this way.....her selfishness caused this but his money is buying them out of it.....i know my girls are hurting.......but they are geared like me......they dont like to talk openly...plus they have been coached NOT to tell daddy about what they see or hear or do.......this relationship based on lies is doomed to fail......havent my kids been thru enough already? and wha hrts the most.....its my job to protect my family...isnt it....how do i protect them from this?


I feel for you. I REALLY do.
But you HAVE to get your feet under you for yourself and for your girls.
Why for yourself should be obvious.

Why for the girls is totally different. They need to see that you can bounce back from this and become stronger because of it. They will see that and draw hope and strength from it.

Dont underestimate them either. They will see things for what they are. 
They ALWAYS do.

Your role right now is to show them how to bounce back from adversity, especially if it might make an entrance in their life in the future...which seems obvious it will.

As far as part time dads...I live this every other week.
I HATE seeing my kids live out of bags every bit as much as you do, but this is what has played out. No amount of complaining will make this any more fair.
Pick up your cards and play the hand you are dealt with dignity and determination.

The messages to get across to your girls are:
1. I am your father and I love you unconditionally.
2. Life threw me a curve. Time to brush myself off and take another swing at it. I will not let it keep me down.
3. You can tell me whatever you want or ...not. 
I will not pry and when you mention something from the other house I will not become judge-y and make you uncomfortable. 

Hug them often and try to make the hug last for more than 20 seconds if they look down. You dont need to say anything other than I love you. If your girls are "geared like you" they will respond to this more than anything else.

The good news is if they are geared that way, then they are most likely keen observers and will pick up on the idea that they need to protect themselves.

Going though this is sort of like sending your kid out to play sports. They ARE going to get hurt. The best you can do is make sure they wear protection, but more importantly that they have the basics down pat.

Your recovery from this will be the best basic training they can have. 
Your recovery will have a direct effect on your girls and what they do when tragedy comes their way.

So...it looks like you have your work cut out for you. 

I travelled this path...it gets better.
I promise.:smthumbup:


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## EnjoliWoman

Everyone is pointing out exactly what I see as well.

I honestly don't think you should even have a girlfriend - I'm sure it was out of lonliness and horniness but really - there isn't enough of you to share with a woman.

You tried counseling. One woman. You really need to try again with someone different. You have to click with a counselor. Maybe find a male.

You need help opening up. You admit you don't show emotion and your girls are like you. Not good. You are repressing and not dealing with stuff.

No one has kids to only be with them part time. But the pity party is over and now you have to work with the hand you were dealt. Being closed off and resentful isn't going to make for a very good father/daughter relationship OR a romantic one. At some point this woman who loves you will tire of trying to break into that wall around your psyche.

It doesn't take money to win kids. 10 or 15 years from now they won't really remember who bought the game cube nearly as much as that fun day they spent at the park with their Dad and the dog having a picnic. Go hiking, do something fun like 'sneak' into an apartment complex pool. Wake them up at 2am and have a small fire out back and s'mores to watch a meteor shower. Have a junk food and game night. Host sleepovers and let them blast music - you'll be cool dad. Go test drive a convertible with them. 

Again, you're just going through the motions of what you think you are supposed to do. Work, girlfriend/date, housework/home improvement, errands, get the girls, take the girls back. These years will be a blur when you look back - no memories. You've got to make some memories!


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## ihatethis

shattered man said:


> So here i am ......6 months post final divorce.....14 months post me finally leaving her cheating behind.....I started over blah blah blah new house new job...new "take" on life...after what she did to me.....how is it i cant HATE her. I mean a 2 year affair.....before i caught her....and another 6 months of lies after i caught her.....she shrugs it off and im left in a world of $hit. My kids seem to be drifting away....i do what i can for them ...i have 50/50 custody and sink every last penny into finishing a basement for them rooms bathroom rec room.......and yet they still seem to be bothered when they come to my house.....1100 sq ft my OLD house was over 3000 btw i gave that and the mortgage to her.....when does the sense of normalcy take ahold? when does it get easier to see the other piece of garbage that has stepped into my place........


The reason your kids are having more fun at their moms and not yours is because their mom has moved on and is living life, you're not. They may be kids, but they know what's going on.

I was the exact same way when my parents got a divorce. Even tho my dad cheated, he was happier and moving on, and therefore I wanted to be around him more. I love my mom to death, but it just hurt me to be around her when she was so hurt and all it did was remind me of what had happened.

I recently have been in the same boat, asking myself why my XH gets to move on, and NOTHING in his life has to change, while mine is all new. At some point we have to stop blaming everyone else, and living in the "what if", "could have done", "why didn't I do this" crap, and close that chapter. Yes, it sucks, big time.

You can't control what is going to happen in your XW's relationship, and how it may affect your daughters, but if something bad does happen, you just have to be there for them and be their dad. They know they only have one dad, and that is what matters. No matter how much money the OM spends on them, in the end, you are who they will run to. 

As far as normalcy, I am still searching for that myself, but, I think we are looking for the "old" normalcy, instead of finding what our normalcy is now. That should be our goal. Let's make a "new" normalcy and not focus on the old ****. Because from here on out, it's our life and we have to live it for ourselves because tomorrow may never come, and we do NOT want to regret our lives because our exes. We have new chances to make a new path, lets take it.

For the sake of yourself, and your children, get your **** together - I mean that in the most kind way possible.


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## shattered man

I work my a$$ off....period.....she does daycare.....NOT hard but easy money.....she kept the family home....i started over in something 1/3 the size......its in a state of remodel........Apparently i have feelings......is why i have reached out to see if they are justified......her catch phrase is deal with it.....or jesus just move on already...heartless none the less.....so when you all say to move on......i get that......shes the one that jacked up the worlds of so many people kids included and she walks the earth unscathed.....and Im left to defend myself because i want to protect my kids......everyone of you have moved on in their own unique way and every situation is im sure similar BUT not the same....
PS I dont not show my negativity around my kids....i hug them constantly tell them i live them constantly....do what i can for them CONSTANTLY.....I cant force a relationship with them and barely maintain one with the ex and her new man undermining my every move....buying them what they want when they want.....even HIRING my oldest to pull weeds for him at his house...........so...Im sorry if it comes off as complaining or pissing an moaning......but as each of you have experienced....when you get the rug of life pulled out from underneath you ......every one gets up differently......ya i got knocked down.....and got back up swinging....for my kids.....but if they dont appreciate it then whats the sense?


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## ihatethis

shattered man said:


> I work my a$$ off....period.....she does daycare.....NOT hard but easy money.....she kept the family home....i started over in something 1/3 the size......its in a state of remodel........Apparently i have feelings......is why i have reached out to see if they are justified......her catch phrase is deal with it.....or jesus just move on already...heartless none the less.....so when you all say to move on......i get that......shes the one that jacked up the worlds of so many people kids included and she walks the earth unscathed.....and Im left to defend myself because i want to protect my kids......everyone of you have moved on in their own unique way and every situation is im sure similar BUT not the same....
> PS I dont not show my negativity around my kids....i hug them constantly tell them i live them constantly....do what i can for them CONSTANTLY.....I cant force a relationship with them and barely maintain one with the ex and her new man undermining my every move....buying them what they want when they want.....even HIRING my oldest to pull weeds for him at his house...........so...Im sorry if it comes off as complaining or pissing an moaning......but as each of you have experienced....when you get the rug of life pulled out from underneath you ......every one gets up differently......ya i got knocked down.....and got back up swinging....for my kids.....but if they dont appreciate it then whats the sense?


Don't forget, they're kids. Think back to when you were a child... we don't appreciate those things until we're older. That is why you are the dad and they're the kids. All you can do is just be there, as a dad, and that's that. You CANNOT control what happens in their mothers life, and how their life is affected in their mothers life. You aren't always going to agree with how your XW raises your children when they're not with you, but you sure as hell can control how you want to parent, when they're with you. Just remind them of good morals, and help them in they're ways. Teach them how you think they should be taught. Use your time wisely. 

You will never fully stand up because you are using your XW and the OM as a crutch. You are letting how she has moved on to keep you down. It's like every time you stand up, you find out something about them and it knocks you right back down. You have to make a choice... let her control how you get back up, or say fvck her and the OM, and get YOUR life back in YOUR control. Stop wondering why someone like her, gets to be happy. Because YOU can be happy, you are choosing not to get up. 

Make the choice.


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## Shooboomafoo

But DO feel free to vent as much as possible on TAM, because people here understand, and have been through and are going through their own version of hell. It doesn't automatically indicate a weakness or choice to stay mired in sadness, when I read someone expressing their anger or pain here. This is "the" place to get all that out.. 

Know that folks here have gone through similar situations, and for the most part things get better for each of us in our own time, in our own way. You cant be expected to just "oh okay" and drop it all, and not be affected by the situation....


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## EnjoliWoman

shattered man said:


> I work my a$$ off....period.....she does daycare.....NOT hard but easy money.....she kept the family home....i started over in something 1/3 the size......its in a state of remodel........Apparently i have feelings......is why i have reached out to see if they are justified......her catch phrase is deal with it.....or jesus just move on already...heartless none the less.....so when you all say to move on......i get that......shes the one that jacked up the worlds of so many people kids included and she walks the earth unscathed.....and Im left to defend myself because i want to protect my kids......everyone of you have moved on in their own unique way and every situation is im sure similar BUT not the same....
> PS I dont not show my negativity around my kids....i hug them constantly tell them i live them constantly....do what i can for them CONSTANTLY.....I cant force a relationship with them and barely maintain one with the ex and her new man undermining my every move....buying them what they want when they want.....even HIRING my oldest to pull weeds for him at his house...........so...Im sorry if it comes off as complaining or pissing an moaning......but as each of you have experienced....when you get the rug of life pulled out from underneath you ......every one gets up differently......ya i got knocked down.....and got back up swinging....for my kids.....but if they dont appreciate it then whats the sense?


I don't think you necessarily show your negativity but they can probably sense you aren't the same as before the divorce. And if you hug and love on them a lot more than you used to, that can feel clingy and desperate which they may avoid. I was just suggesting that you do some quality, upbeat stuff with them.

Kids can be swayed with stuff, absolutely. But again, that is right now. In 10 years they won't remember the material things as much but they will have memories of doing things with you. 

You said you are redoing the house - what about painting a wall (or tape off a section) with chalk paint and buying sidewalk chalk? It's fun to be allowed to write on walls, even as a teen if they are older.

You can't force a relationship but if they are pulling away there is likely a reason. Either their mother is actively alienating them, which you should absolutely combat and not take sitting down, or you need to look closely to see if some of your behavior is driving them away. I still strongly feel you should see another counselor.

What does she say "deal with it" to? Do you pine over her or complain about the situation? Neither will resolve anything. What you need to "deal with" is your feelings. Yes, it's unfair that her life still seems rosey while you suffer. Life isn't fair. But we learn to cope and make the best out of what we're dealt. HOWEVER - if there is something you complain about that you CAN do something about - DO IT. Assert yourself.

You haven't given very much about the circumstances here so it's difficult to give concrete advice besides make memories with the girls/spend quality time and see a counselor. If you just want to whine... don't expect anything to change. Not how you feel, not how you life, not how your girls react to you...


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## 3Xnocharm

shattered man said:


> I work my a$$ off....period.....she does daycare.....NOT hard but easy money.....she kept the family home....i started over in something 1/3 the size......its in a state of remodel........Apparently i have feelings......is why i have reached out to see if they are justified......her catch phrase is deal with it.....or jesus just move on already...heartless none the less.....so when you all say to move on......i get that......shes the one that jacked up the worlds of so many people kids included and she walks the earth unscathed.....and Im left to defend myself because i want to protect my kids......everyone of you have moved on in their own unique way and every situation is im sure similar BUT not the same....
> PS I dont not show my negativity around my kids....i hug them constantly tell them i live them constantly....do what i can for them CONSTANTLY.....I cant force a relationship with them and barely maintain one with the ex and her new man undermining my every move....buying them what they want when they want.....even HIRING my oldest to pull weeds for him at his house...........so...Im sorry if it comes off as complaining or pissing an moaning......but as each of you have experienced....when you get the rug of life pulled out from underneath you ......every one gets up differently......ya i got knocked down.....and got back up swinging....for my kids....*.but if they dont appreciate it then whats the sense?*



The sense of it is that YOU have to pull your sh!t together for YOU! It cant be all about your kids, or you will never truly be able to move forward and find your happiness. Do you really want her to "win" by you being sullen and pathetic for the next 20 years? NO, you dont! Dont give her ammo to drive any wedges between you and your kids, and to continue to have no respect for you. Also you need to really cherish that GF or she will be GONE as well, she deserves better, dont you think? Make it better with you, or she will find better somewhere else.


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## shattered man

i do not pine... per the separation/divorce she asked to keep the house since i wanted NOTHING to do with the FAMILY home.....i agreed and she promised to refi the house in her name.....loan and title in my name only.....so here we are 16 months post separation and she is 5000 plus behind on payments yet spends her money on the kids.......buying them off......yes i complain about it.....BUT since she retitled the property with the hep of a shady lawyer i have no recourse now and have to wait it out...either she loses it.....refi's it....OR i force the issue and file bankruptcy.......


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## Shooboomafoo

Something that has helped me in a lot of those issues so charged with emotion, was to consider the effects of them on my D12.
The marital home was close to her school,, familiar, friends in the neighborhood, location was easy due to my moving about 15 minutes away. To force the issue of the house, and make the ex sell, and knowing the true nature of the ex's finances, my kid would then have to live in whatever kind of apartment the ex could afford, and I hate apartments especially in this town.

Too much that deserves the validation of the anger and resentment to handle all at once, so I started just dumping my concern of it. Is this particular aspect of the fallout of the cheating ho my ex became really sh!tty? why yes it sure is, and the middle finger upwards is valid and justified. 

Every once in awhile there is a new revelation of how her infidelity has effected my life in some bad way, or my kids life. I don't sit there and try to think them up, circumstances bring them about... I have to choose to not dwell on it and that's the best I can do. 
But it certainly does not mean the disgust at it is unwarranted. 

The alternative is that the divorce never happened and I would still be stuck with that person, which is a miserable outlook,, so despite alllllllll the fallout and consequences... I'm still better off. 
You are too...


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## SamuraiJack

Having been a counselor in the past, I can tell you that some pairs simply dont "click". I found that Counseling Services usually have some pretty good people who have a knack with matching up people who they think will make a good match. A referral from a friend can also work well.

I have gotten patients where I am number 5 in their string of pro's. Dont be afraid to say "This isnt quite what I need." They wont be offended. THEY might even have a better person in mind.

Sounds like you need someone to talk to. 

If expenses are an issue, talk to either a local counseling service or your local church and see if you can get a referral to a support group. With half the married people getting divorced, chances are good there will be one.

If nothing else, continue to post here and get feedback. We have all been there and we can help. It may take a while to sink in but this WILL get better.


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## shattered man

whats frustrating is that she hasnt made an attempt to get the house clear of my name....and continues to be late and behind with mortgage......its all in my name still...if i force my had...bankruptcy......i will then force my kids out to HIS house....tell me when ill sleep a full night again


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## poppyseed

shattered man said:


> whats frustrating is that she hasnt made an attempt to get the house clear of my name....and continues to be late and behind with mortgage......its all in my name still...if i force my had...bankruptcy......i will then force my kids out to HIS house....tell me when ill sleep a full night again


Hi

I really hate to say this but when you divorced, your lawyer must have dealt with workable post-divorce finance e.g. asset division etc? Or did you settle outside the court informally? 

You would have wondered why your name is still on the mortgage paper when she "was supposed to" take over the mortgage all on her own. If this did not happen after D then it is most likely she could not manage to get her sole name on the mortgage based on her solo earning (?) which may not have been sufficient? You would need to be careful when you enter any "informal" arrangement she wouldn't be able to keep up with. If she's unable to keep up with the current mortgage solo for the large house then she needs to sell and downsize. It would be best not to sit back and watch the debts keep accumulating.


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## shattered man

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHY CANT I DEAL WITH THIS why cant i get past the betrayal ive been doing all the suggestions yet my kids continue to filter over to the ex and her/his money.....so i sit back and wait for them to come around? I was VERY close with my girls now im just a guy every other week......and its getting to me badly....ive lost alot of drive ive almost but given up on staying around for them ...im almost ready to just quit


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## Paradise

shattered man said:


> WHY CANT I DEAL WITH THIS why cant i get past the betrayal ive been doing all the suggestions yet my kids continue to filter over to the ex and her/his money.....so i sit back and wait for them to come around? I was VERY close with my girls now im just a guy every other week......and its getting to me badly....*ive lost alot of drive ive almost but given up on staying around for them ...im almost ready to just quit*


I remember thinking like this. Yep...Just like this. Not sure how nor when I finally got out of this mindset but it happened. There weren't any fireworks that went off one day and I was miraculously healed but over time I just kind of forgot about it. 

Yep, you got sh!t on just like a lot of us did. What's in it for you to stay in this crap state of mind, though? That's one I could never figure out. Guess I had this built in excuse to have a pity party for a few years and I milked it just like you are doing now. My ego/self-esteem were so shattered by another person I used that as justification to sit on my a$$ feeling sorry for myself.


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## whitehawk

l know how rough this [email protected] is , been living it too. My girls 13.
Ex and l keep things good between us but l suck this [email protected] up for my daughter though. Never am sure where the line is though.
Great stuff here and what Enjoli was saying about doing stuff like that with the girls , thanks Enjol l'm gonna work on more of that with mine to. We are what they will treasure the most in this later.

l never know if l should explain to my daughter exactly who this dude is mum hangs out with , what it did. She's an only child living with mum , he comes and goes. l'm scared saying anything will only make this new life even harder for her, so l don't know.

But believe it or not your not doing bad. You've got another place , so what it's smaller , many are stuck in a dog box rented flat. Got a new gf and all.
l hear you but even so , they're big things.
Ours costed us , me , the renovated resell price of our place to because of this , we never finished it.
So now l'll have to work for the next 15yrs paying of a whole new mortgage when l could have owned one outright right now - fkg drove me nuts for awhile. We went through hell for 6yrs to set all that up.
Now we're both renting . But eh , my place is much much nicer than hers :smthumbup:


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## Wolf1974

shattered man said:


> AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> 
> WHY CANT I DEAL WITH THIS why cant i get past the betrayal ive been doing all the suggestions yet my kids continue to filter over to the ex and her/his money.....so i sit back and wait for them to come around? I was VERY close with my girls now im just a guy every other week......and its getting to me badly....ive lost alot of drive ive almost but given up on staying around for them ...im almost ready to just quit


You may not be ready to hear this but the reason you can't deal with this because you haven't accepted it. As you have stated in earlier post people process things differently and at different times and I think we all reach the "this is now my reality " at different points. Following that will come the rage and anger.....and that's a good thing because you can use that as fuel to get your life back on track. My moment came the day I discovered my x wife's affair. I immediate knew that our marriage was over and I was angry over being screwed and not in a good way. So I protected all my assets, my custody with my kids, and my house. You need to get to this place and if you can't on your own seek help. Life has moved on and you have to move on your own way now


For what it's worth sorry your going through this. I've been there


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## Ripper

She cheated, is remorseless, took the house, moved her POS thug in, and probably got 50% or more of the assets. You have every reason to rage.

Marriage rates are dropping like a fvcking meteor and stuff like this is why. I'm sorry man, just reading about your situation made me want to turn the desk over. I have a ton of suggests, unfortunately none of them are legal.

Excuse me while I go punch something inanimate.


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## shattered man

stress...has gotten to me....lost my job....losing whats left of me.....looking for the nearest towel to throw in


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## SamuraiJack

Dont.
Give.
Up.


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## Martin12

Snap out of it. Start exercising, lifting weights. Get in the best shape of your life. Take a course in something you want to know about. 

Improve yourself, don't wallow in self-pity.


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## dajam

shattered man said:


> stress...has gotten to me....lost my job....losing whats left of me.....looking for the nearest towel to throw in


I do not have kids so bear with me. 

However I did have a 29 year LTR, and I lost everything, my best friend,(so I thought), lost job, friends, 401K, she has a house, My 401k paid for. One of my god children committed suicide, I fought through a couple of biopsies, she got the new car, (paid off) I got the 26 year old jeep.. She had an affair, I got overweight from stress and was sinking real fast , hell she even put my dog down with out telling me. (4 years old GSD)

It was surreal in my world I actually had a counselor say most people under this amount of stress may have taken a shot at themselves... Suicide or drug/alcohol abuse... or some other self-destructive behavior. 

Now over two years have passed, I am still in my apartment, (good with it), still have the jeep, my finances are back in order, great gig, I am closer to my last god child than ever, also hitting the gym. losing weight, I am back in control. 

Bottom line it will get better, initially I never thought it would.

I am now a much better person now than I was before. This site has been and is tremendously helpful.


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## ne9907

It will become easier day by day. It ends with you looking at your reflection and smiling at the world. It ends with you opening your heart for another wonderful possibility. It ends with you knowing that what her cheating DID not define your life.

It is a difficult road, a difficult process, I am so sad you are going through it but you are not alone.


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## SamuraiJack

How ARE you doing shatteredman?


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## shattered man

not well at all
depression is consuming my life


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## SamuraiJack

Alright.
I am going to make an odd suggestion. I want you to start reading the forums as much as you can in your spare time. Stay in the Divorce section and read the longest stories here.
You should start to notice a pattern…that things DO get better.

The thing you need to figure out is why you stay in your present victim stance role.

Since you first posted, you have been securely entrenched in a “poor me” role which is hindering your forward motion.
Your stay in that trench is a luxury you cannot afford.
NOTHING turns women off faster than victim stancing.
So you need to force yourself out of that area and into a new area where you can heal.
Right now it sounds like the spot you are in is enforcing your helplessness.


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