# Hubsand had Vasectomy and now I'm angry



## Sadmomof1 (Sep 12, 2016)

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right forum- if not I apologize.

We have one child. She's 17 and about to go off to college next year. When my daughter was born prematurely via emergency c-section at 26 weeks,and nearly died because of pre-eclampsia and eclampsia. I was diagnosed 3 weeks after with Lupus Nephritis SLE. Fast forward 2 years- lupus was under control and we thought we could try to get pregnant again. Unfortunately it ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks. My lupus had flared again due to the pregnancy. 

My husband has always been my support. He's truly amazing. He decided that it was best for him to have a vasectomy to prevent another pregnancy. He had made an appointment to talk with the doctor about it. I feel they both ganged up on me and told me this was the best option for us. I regrettably agreed- after all it is his body and his choice. 

Here is my problem. Every time we make love, I can't help but to feel resentment for not having that chance to have another child. I fully understand that it is extremely risky for myself to carry a child, but we never did talk about a surrogate. Now even that option is out the window. I feel like I can't fully commit myself those intimate moments without feeling sadness, regret and even anger that he has taken that option away from me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, I love him very much. He feels like we discussed this before he had it done. I feel sideswiped. I am hurt.

Since I was little all I wanted was to be a mom. My dream was to have a boy and a girl. I grew up with an older brother and sister (although 7 years older than I). He's an only child, so he never had the chance know what it's like to have siblings. He claims you don't miss what you didn't have. I have my girl- and she's amazing, smart, funny, caring and loving. She's daddy's little girl. They have a great bond - something I don't have with her like they do. I babysit other's children and I love it- but it's just not the same as having your own child. Now my daughter is in her Senior year and will be going off to college soon. I have always been a stay at home mom. I have a degree in music, but honestly, I don't have the ability for it to take me anywhere. I've been struggling lately as to what I am going to be doing with my life. Even the little child I babysit is almost 3 now and will soon be going to pre-school and school- so my time babysitting is short. I have no skills, and with my lupus flares sometimes- it makes me tired to be on my feet all day. At least at home I can sit when I need to.

I would love any advice on how to cope or talk to my husband about this. I love him so much and I know this would crush him. How do I tell him that I wish he never got it done? that I resent it every time we make love? Im hurt that he took this option from me. I feel so lost. Now that my daughter is leaving - these emotions are coming back full force. 

thanks in advance for the support and advice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Could you two try to adopt?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

His surgery can be reversed.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Adoption is certainly an option but your first and most important priority is to get some marriage counseling and put this issue of resentment to rest. You don't want to expand your family with that looming over your head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

Does he want another child at this age? I would think that he does not since he got the v.

It sounds to me like it's time for you to re-evaluate your purpose in life and find a new purpose.

You also should see a counselor to deal with the problem you are having with feeling bad when you have sex. 

If you don't, your marriag is going to go down hill fast now that your daughter going to be leaving. Surely you marriage is worth saving.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What do you want to do? What can be done? And even if he had the vasectomy reversed, what is the likely outcome if you were able to conceive (how old are you now)? At the very least, I think individual therapy would be useful to work on your feelings and resentment, and discuss options.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You had the miscarriage 15 years ago and your husband had the vasectomy when? You did agree to it but very reluctantly? 

I think your anger is misdirected. You have regret about not being able to have a second child and that's understandable, but your husband was looking out for you and your daughter by getting that vasectomy.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Why can't you talk to him about this? Saying you wish you didn't have the vasectomy is the same as saying wish you didn't have lupus. He chose that option for your health and it sounds like the right decision. Ever thought of fostering or adopting? You could volunteer to do something with kids. Now that you ar going to be an empty nester it's time to follow some of your passions. If kids are part of that I think that's great


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sadmomof1 said:


> Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right forum- if not I apologize.
> 
> We have one child. She's 17 and about to go off to college next year. When my daughter was born prematurely via emergency c-section at 26 weeks,and nearly died ..... Fast forward 2 years- lupus was under control and we thought we could try to get pregnant again. Unfortunately it ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks. My lupus had flared again due to the pregnancy.
> 
> ...


Sit yourself down in front of a mirror. This is not about what your husband did, it is about you and your fear of emotionally growing into the next phase of your life.

This is about how you know on one level that "empty nest syndrome" is going to put a strain on your marriage and make you face some difficult changes in YOU that you would like to avoid.

Your resentment toward your husband will likely lead to his sensing you aren't enjoying sex with him. That will result in the two of you having less sex and that will potentially result in one or both of you pulling back emotionally, and then potentially divorcing. See, you are subconsciously trying to sabotage your own marriage to avoid confronting your need to change how you view yourself. You are trying to place blame on your H so you can become a victim of him and not move on to the next phase in your life. 

Instead, I recommend that you celebrate your daughter's going off to college and spend time rebuilding your marriage. Then in a few years if you are lucky, you may experience the joy of being a grandparent. Life is about change. You can't stop it you can either fight it or embrace it. I strongly suggest you drop all anger toward your husband and look at yourself in the mirror and ask "where did this resentment come from toward such a wonderful man?"


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Sorry but you agreed to it, it's unfair to him if you weren't honest at the time, you'll have to deal with this through therapy or whatever it takes to properly place blame where it belongs, which is not on him.

Besides, with a 17 year old child WHY would you possibly want another?


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

sadmomof1, you don't have to be sad. I have 3 sisters, two have 1 and the other has 2. All of them are happy. In the best of worlds, they all probably wanted more than 1, but this is how it turned out. It's not a good idea to blame or be angry at your husband for having the vasectomy. It would be good to let him know that you're struggling at this time though and need someone to talk to. Also you can still spend time and bond with your daughter if she goes to a college that is driving distance. My sister still sees her daughter, in first year college, often. Or video chat.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You certainly have my empathy on the child situation. At age 19 I had emergency surgery and was told I would never have children. I was able to be pregnant eventually but only through a trail of tears numerous surgeries, IVF, years passing, etc. 

I think it is imperative that you either get some counseling or talk this out with your husband and not letting this resentment fester inside you. 

I have a book written by a woman who ended up being childless. It addresses our urges to have children and other ways to meet those urges when we are unable to have the children we desire. 

What if youd had a child with special needs? I've got 2 friends right now with autistic sons who will probably never be able to live independently. Are they loved - of course! But this is a reality of the times we live in. Yes your daughter would have a sibling - 20 years younger than she is. 

It sounds like you are both grieving a child that lived in your heart - and that you have a huge void when your DD leaves. That is something I struggle with as well. What about me, what is my purpose in the world, where do I go now that my child no longer needs me like she did? These are questions that many women our age struggle with. Especially those of us that stayed home. 

You may be fortunate and have grandchildren in a few years. We can't make any assumptions what our children will want and need in their lives - but it could happen. There are many chapters ahead and it is scary not knowing what they are, but they are there.


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## Staisha (Sep 20, 2016)

You can take the child from the orphanage . Your husband took care of you.


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I think *your anger is misdirected*. You have regret about not being able to have a second child and that's understandable, but your husband was looking out for you and your daughter by getting that vasectomy.


I agree. Your feelings about the various aspects are overlapping and the blame and resentment are being directed at the person who is the closest, most convenient, and willing to absorb it all.

Your husband didn't take away your ability to bear children––it's your body that isn't capable. It is not his fault at all... no more than it's your fault that you have lupus. This imaginary thing you're doing and the externalization of the blame is the problem, and if you don't sort it all out you not only will continue to miss out on enjoying what you do have, but you also risk undermining it.

You could just as easily, and more appropriately, appreciate your husband for protecting you and your family. Everyone has to eventually let go of the elusive dreams of childhood if they want to be happy adults. Sometimes it's not anyone's fault at all––it's just the way things came to be. Fate, if you will.

You can't change what is, but you can certainly change the meaning you attach to it, and thereby the feelings you have in reaction. Therapy. Be open to reshaping your thoughts and perspectives. Be adaptable. Happiness is a choice.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Your daughter would not bond well with a sibling that is 18+ years younger than she is. My brother was 5 years older than me and we never had anything in common. We were always at different stages in life. It wasn't until we were both married and working that we started to bond. 

Make no mistake, this isn't about HER or your husband. It's only about you. Be happy that you have a healthy daughter and drop the resentment against your husband.


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