# Husband doesn't talk to me...feeling unloved



## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi all. I have been married for 17 years and we have 5 kids. We were separated for four years and reconciled two + years ago. I still harbour some hurt and resentment from our separation but that's for a different post someday.
I'm trying to wrap my head around why my husband doesn't respond to me. We'll be in the same room, no kids, no distractions (other than his mind?) and I'll say something about the kids or something and he doesn't respond. I've stopped asking him why he doesn't reply to me. I try not to let it bother me, but I know it does. He has told me that questions and answers are the way to communicate but he knows that I need more ( I told him I need dialogue with sharing ideas, thoughts, hopes and dreams) but he doesn't seem to want to put in the effort to communicate with me. 
We currently have a very superficial relationship, no intimacy, just questions and answers about family logisitics. I feel very disheartened and alone. 
I know I can't change him and if I want to stay married, I have to just accept it, but it makes me so sad.
How common is this?

Edited to add: I have also expressed to him the stress I feel about having to make all the decisions in the family. It is a huge weight on my shoulders. I also am the disciplinarian because he doesn't talk to the kids on any level deeper than how he talks to me. I am contemplating leaving the marriage in the next couple of months because I feel like I'm wasting my life. I am a passionate person with many hopes and dreams. His idea of showing passion is screaming and shouting at me (his words). I feel myself becoming an empty shell. I don't have much of a life outside the marriage right now (probably due to some depression and I've been laid off from my job. I am also homeschooling one of our kids). I know that getting involved in some of my own interests would be a life saver. Unfortunately, my husband just likes to sit down in the evening and scroll through his phone instead of interacting with the kids. At least if I am here, I can engage with them in the evenings. I guess I simply feel.....stuck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he hard of hearing?

Depressed?

I think you need marital counselling.

Why did you separate for so long and then reconcile?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

My husband is the same way. I get little affection from him unless it's in the bedroom. He rarely hears what I say and more or less..half of it. I can't tell you how many times I've avoided arguments because he tells me things I've said things that I didn't say..only to realize he only heard half of what I really said.

Thus, I keep myself busy with other things such as studying (as I finally decided to go back to school for my Associates Degree in Health Information Technology), taking care of my elderly dad who is in a nursing facility, taking care of the dogs we as a couple decided to foster (and which he refuses to help out with), etc.

He takes no interest in any of that.

The past few days have been just crazy for me as I needed to study, go to Student Orientation, take my dad to his medical appointments, and go to several job interviews. These were all stressful and although I don't mind doing whatever I can for my dad, I do it alone as again..he takes no interest.

To lighten up a bit stressfully today, I enjoyed myself shopping for a birthday present for my niece along with spending time with a good friend; venting and laughing.

We were having such a great time until my husband called and said that my SD wanted to borrow the expensive Fitbit that he'd bought me for Christmas. I don't use it simply because I can't get him to take the time to show he HOW to use it, and thus, I bought myself a less expensive model.

She NEVER takes care of things, so borrowing it was out of the question, as I knew I'd never see it again. He then ragged at me telling me to just send it to her as I wasn't using it anyway.

I have backed down for him soo many times..and oftentimes have given up many things like my good earbuds (since SD had either lost hers or wrecked hers..one of the two); and in exchange he's bought me a cheap pair from Amazon.

This time I wasn't backing down. I've been lied to so often regarding this sort of thing where he and his daughter say one thing and do another; and I've learned to read between the lines. 

"Borrowing" it to her means "giving" it to her as I don't use it anyway.

I told him that even if I don't use it today doesn't mean that I may not want to use it when he takes the time to show me how, so I told him to order her one of her own.

His reply was that I should get on it NOW regarding buying her one and sending it out to her (they live 4 hours from us), even though I was enjoying some girl time after taking care of all the things HE refused to take care of.

Funny how he takes such a big interest when it comes to me taking care of things with his children, yet takes no interest in the fact that I'm busy with MY family as he takes no interest in them. PLUS the fact that he could easily order her one from Amazon (I can't tell you HOW much money he spends on THERE..)..it was just easier for me to give up the nice thing I had and give it to her...regardless.

It's never been about me at any time when it comes to book payments for school (I accidently billed one of my books to his Amazon account and I have to pay him the $77 and some odd cents back..SERIOUSLY??!); medical payments (we have a health savings acct..but that's for his kids..NOT me..), etc. I had two ER visits last year for thankfully minor things, but guess who's paying the deductible?? As much money as he makes..it's MY problem.

He told me shortly after we were married that I should never tell him how to raise his kids, that I wasn't their mother as they already HAD a Mom; and that my job was to be his children's friend. Situation after situation has come up where I have tried to teach his children different (especially lies and fibs..to me they are both deceptive); but have backed off. They're his kids, not mine.


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Is he hard of hearing?
> 
> Depressed?
> 
> ...



I don't believe he is hard of hearing. I should ask him to go get his hearing checked out anyway. He was depressed many years ago and yeah, I've had the same thought cross my mind lately as well. 
He is an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and the reason for our separation was due to untreated symptoms of that (toxic relationship between us). The reason we got back together was that I thought he had changed for the better. I have a few regrets about letting him come back (he essentially abandoned me and the kids) without making sure he was going to treat me well and be someone I would want to grow old with. 
We both want to do marital counselling but in the past, it's made things worse so we're a little worried about that.
Thanks for replying.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

fireflyme said:


> Hi all. I have been married for 17 years and we have 5 kids. We were separated for four years and reconciled two + years ago. I still harbour some hurt and resentment from our separation but that's for a different post someday.
> I'm trying to wrap my head around why my husband doesn't respond to me. We'll be in the same room, no kids, no distractions (other than his mind?) and I'll say something about the kids or something and he doesn't respond. I've stopped asking him why he doesn't reply to me. I try not to let it bother me, but I know it does. He has told me that questions and answers are the way to communicate but he knows that I need more ( I told him I need dialogue with sharing ideas, thoughts, hopes and dreams) but he doesn't seem to want to put in the effort to communicate with me.
> We currently have a very superficial relationship, no intimacy, just questions and answers about family logisitics. I feel very disheartened and alone.
> I know I can't change him and if I want to stay married, I have to just accept it, but it makes me so sad.
> ...


ok here is the raw truth, from my perspective as a husband who much like yours, "checked out".

I GAVE UP.

The communication you speak of, I agree it is needed in a relationship. but for me....my X was coming to vent and complain....it got old hearing the same gripes day in and day out....never wanting to solve issues or an opinion different than hers, only her wanting swift agreement.

then, as time went on, I began to respect her less and less. I stopped looking to her for fulfillment in my life and turned to hobbies and other things to find happiness for myself as the relationship degraded.

the bottom line is I felt I was in a no win situation. Not that I was trying to "win" per say...rather that the things she wanted from me...she herself could not give to the relationship.


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It's possible that he has checked out as well. I know for a fact that he won't fight for the marriage (he said so). He said if I want out, then I should get out. I feel like all he wanted to do was get back into the house that he left when he left me, and now that he's back in, he doesn't care what I do.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@fireflyme and @memyselfandi There is a book 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that is worth reading. If you want faster and cheaper progress, you can go to the website Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time. and take the free quiz. Get your spouse to take it too. Even easier, there is an 5LL app in the app stores. The free quiz will summarize your love languages and those of your husbands. 

For years my wife complained that I was "always on the computer and phone". My retort was that she was on the iPad more than me. After taking the quiz I realized that she loves Quality Time. Her complaint was not about my time on the phone but the LACK of time I was spending with her. Took me 22 years to learn that. Now I spend more time with her watching movies etc.

This is not a fix all, but a start. The objective her is to show your husbands what you need - Their time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation or physical touch. Surprising I learned that I crave words of affirmation and physical touch. 

It's worth a shot to try.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

fireflyme said:


> Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It's possible that he has checked out as well. I know for a fact that he won't fight for the marriage (he said so). He said if I want out, then I should get out. I feel like all he wanted to do was get back into the house that he left when he left me, and now that he's back in, he doesn't care what I do.


The "fight for the marriage" thing might be threatening to some guys. If you asked him if he wants a happier and better relationship with you, what would or does he say?


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> @fireflyme and @memyselfandi There is a book 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that is worth reading. If you want faster and cheaper progress, you can go to the website Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time. and take the free quiz. Get your spouse to take it too. Even easier, there is an 5LL app in the app stores. The free quiz will summarize your love languages and those of your husbands.
> 
> For years my wife complained that I was "always on the computer and phone". My retort was that she was on the iPad more than me. After taking the quiz I realized that she loves Quality Time. Her complaint was not about my time on the phone but the LACK of time I was spending with her. Took me 22 years to learn that. Now I spend more time with her watching movies etc.
> 
> ...



I agree about the five love languages. He is convinced that I am acts of service so he makes my coffee every morning, that is it. I feel like I am more 'words of affirmation'. He'll say thanks when I paint a room or rearrange furniture, but it feels so business like when he does it..I don't feel any love behind his show of appreciation. 
I guess overall, our whole marriage feels very business like, no emotions shown or shared, except negative ones


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> fireflyme said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It's possible that he has checked out as well. I know for a fact that he won't fight for the marriage (he said so). He said if I want out, then I should get out. I feel like all he wanted to do was get back into the house that he left when he left me, and now that he's back in, he doesn't care what I do.
> ...


He takes me very literally when I refer to fighting for the marriage. I don't mean fighting literally, I mean doing the things needed to show me that he values the marriage and wants to be married to me. 
Lately, every convo we've had ends up in a big fight so I'm taking a break from bringing up anything sensitive. Otherwise, I would ask him what he would like for a happier marriage. Maybe I'll text him today and ask him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife is a little like your husband. When I bring up this subject, she gets defensive and naturally assumes that I am saying she is the problem and she needs to change. That is not true, but that is still the way she is reacting.

I am working towards fixing and improving my marriage. The approach I am taking with wife is to tell her that I want to be a better husband and that I will be asking her to help me do that. So when she sees me reading the books, she thinks I need to change rather than her. 

So now when I bring up things like 5LL or other things I pick up from books or TAM, she is more open.

Not sure if your H would embrace this approach. I would not say - "I read this in a book" etc but just try implementing what you need. Never say to him "I saw this today on Oprah and ...... "


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

fireflyme said:


> Otherwise, I would ask him what he would like for a happier marriage. Maybe I'll text him today and ask him.


You can text him that you want to be a better wife and will work on that to make him and you happier and improve your relationship. Ask him if he will support you in that effort.

I am clearly not saying the problem is YOU. Nor is this lying. Through your efforts you will be a better wife. But the point here is to get him to open up to discussions and activities that help. By removing his automatic defenses, he may engage and will change along the way - just like you.


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

I agree with what you are saying. We both have things to do and change if we're going to make this work. In theory, I have no problem letting him know that I'd like to do what I can to be a better wife. I do see that as being the catalyst for change. In reality though, I need to work really hard to get past the resentment and hurt of him leaving many years ago. I don't think I can do one without the other
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

fireflyme said:


> Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It's possible that he has checked out as well. I know for a fact that he won't fight for the marriage (he said so). He said if I want out, then I should get out. I feel like all he wanted to do was get back into the house that he left when he left me, and now that he's back in, he doesn't care what I do.


He just want a roof , food n laundry done for him free .!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

I've wondered about that as well. He lived in his parents basement for the four years that we were separated. He was 38 when he moved out of our home. When he moved back in, it took a year and a half before he started working on the Reno projects that were left unfinished when he left the first time. I'm wondering if I'm just being used now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

fireflyme said:


> I've wondered about that as well. He lived in his parents basement for the four years that we were separated. He was 38 when he moved out of our home. When he moved back in, it took a year and a half before he started working on the Reno projects that were left unfinished when he left the first time. I'm wondering if I'm just being used now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It kind of sounds like you are. Do you do his laundry and cook his meals?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

fireflyme said:


> I agree with what you are saying. We both have things to do and change if we're going to make this work. In theory, I have no problem letting him know that I'd like to do what I can to be a better wife. I do see that as being the catalyst for change. In reality though, I need to work really hard to get past the resentment and hurt of him leaving many years ago. I don't think I can do one without the other


Yes, this can be catalyst. Do you love him? And do you want him in your life again?


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

I cook for the family which includes him. I don't do his laundry. I do do pretty much everything else though, including making major life decisions with his knowledge, because he can't or won't. He has, though, made financial decisions without me knowing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm trying to not fall out of love with him. Maybe we're just together for the sake of the kids...me anyways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

fireflyme said:


> I cook for the family which includes him. I don't do his laundry. I do do pretty much everything else though, including making major life decisions with his knowledge, because he can't or won't. He has, though, made financial decisions without me knowing


I don't think he is going to change, so you have to decide whether you want to live the rest of your life like this.


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

fireflyme said:


> I cook for the family which includes him. I don't do his laundry. I do do pretty much everything else though, including making major life decisions with his knowledge, because he can't or won't. He has, though, made financial decisions without me knowing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop letting him know when meals are ready.

My H also leaves ALL decisions up to me because he refuses to or can't or won't. That way if he doesn't like the outcome, he has me to blame. This actually started prior to getting married, but after getting engaged. I just didn't realize it. He works hard and I appreciate that. But, that is all he brings to the marriage.


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## fireflyme (Apr 15, 2016)

That's like here as well...he works hard for the family and I appreciate that. Maybe that's enough for some people, but I don't think I am one of them. I wish he took more interest in the family and our future but I just don't see that happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

fireflyme said:


> That's like here as well...he works hard for the family and I appreciate that. Maybe that's enough for some people, but I don't think I am one of them. I wish he took more interest in the family and our future but I just don't see that happening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get it. It's not enough for me, either.


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