# How I was able to move on.......long



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hello All,

I have been a long time lurker here but never registered and never posted before. I found this forum when my marriage collapsed several years ago and I found myself single for the first time in 12 years. I have read and taken to heart some of the advice on this forum I have learned things. I also, through my own journey, discovered a few things on my own and wanted to share one of them today in hopes that it helps some of the guys and gals here in moving on. 

I met, fell in love, and married the girl of my dreams. Knew her since high school and can honestly say it was love at first sight for me. We married, had two beautiful daughters and I felt and often said to myself how lucky I was. The marriage was open and honest, not sexless and I considered her my best friend. At about year 7 her father passed away and there was an immediate change. She became distant, cold, uncaring, uncommunicative and angry all the time. I was quickly moved from priority one in her life to last place just behind the dog. My attempts to try and support her only seemed to build resentment toward me. I offered to go to MC, she said no. I thought this all had to do with the death of her father, the birth of our second daughter perhaps, and with time she would be ok and then we would work on us. It didn’t work that way. She would lash out at me, belittle me and basically punish me to make herself feel better. When my friend died for brain cancer and I tried to talk to her about it she laughed at me.

Then more weird stuff. New clothes, new haircut, started eating better, started going out on her own and so on. Well at the time again though this was just a phase. As many of people here will recognize the truth is she was having an affair and it had nothing to do with any “phase”. I couldn’t see it and even when I found proof on her phone I just couldn’t believe it. The whole house of cards came tumbling down. The world that I thought was true wasn’t. She didn’t love me at all. Admitted that she never really had. She left our family for the other man and filed for divorce. I was heartbroken.

I didn’t deal well. I am ashamed to say that I became very promiscuous trying to feel better about not being good enough. I started drinking too much and not taking care of myself. In the end I was encouraged to seek personal counseling which isn’t thought of highly in my profession but I knew I needed help. I wasn’t being the single dad I needed to be. I went to a specialist that only works with police, fire, military and EMS, basically type A men and women. What I learned was profound and really helped me move on with my life in a more positive way. What she, the counselor, helped me see was that my marriage was not perfect, never was. I have always been very protective and helpful by nature. When I met XW she was extremely damaged. She has a host of daddy issues, had cheated on one boyfriend in High School another in College, got married and cheated on that husband and then after that divorce we reconnected. I knew ALL of this up front. Course she had her sob story about how they were mean and didn’t care about her, ironically the same crap she spews about me I have no doubt. 

So I have presented to me a damsel in distress and I think , well if I love her enough I can fix her. So I married her and ended up with a distressed damsel. So all this pain, doubt, burden, anxiety and guilt for my kids that I had built up was crushing me……… but the day I said out loud, “well I picked her” it diminished. I had a part in all this. Not her cheating or how she treated me or our kids being hurt but I was presented with all of what she was and instead of saying oh hell no I’m not going to be the next idiot………. I married her. The guilt of what I had done to myself is what was tearing me apart.

I don’t know why this worked for me. You would think it would have the opposite affect but it was so liberating. I was able to let go of so much anger and pain. When it creeps in and I think about all that was taken from me or being cheated on, in our marital bed mind you, I feel the pressure boil I just think “well you picked her dummy” and it dissolves. I never dismiss her personal responsibility in any of this. I have just come to terms with my part of it.

I see much pain here. Lots of people here were cheated on, and I feel for you….. I get it you know that I do. I see some others trying to understand it, don’t bother until this happens to you you’ll have no idea the pain that is involved. If their were red flags and you saw them and ignored them maybe taking some accountability will help you like it helped me. Life can improve on the other side. My kids are fine, I’m fine, I have a wonderful new girlfriend. If this can help even one person I am happy. Thanks for reading

Wolf


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I just read your story wolf.

I am sorry for what your wife did to you, and you are right many serial cheaters women present themselves as victims of abusers and that is when the mentalily of KISA enter for many men like if he is the one destined to save her from all the suffering when in reality they are the ones who are doing the damage.

for what I understand your XW is now with OM so most likely he will have his fair dosage of karma coming to him eventually, after all your X have cheated on every man in her life.

is good to know that you are now enjoying life with a partner that appreciate you as you deserve.

do you have full custody of your kids?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I guess I hope. I hope you will go to the mirror and look in it. I hope you will see there the good man that you are.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

manticore said:


> I just read your story wolf.
> 
> I am sorry for what your wife did to you, and you are right many serial cheaters women present themselves as victims of abusers and that is when the mentalily of KISA enter for many men like if he is the one destined to save her from all the suffering when in reality they are the ones who are doing the damage.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the kind words. No she is not with the OM. He dumped her like yesterday's garbage as I told her he would. He was also married and cheated with other girls at the office. She has made a mess of her life. She will have much to make up for with our children as she has hurt them the most.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I guess I hope. I hope you will go to the mirror and look in it. I hope you will see there the good man that you are.


It's hard to at times. I'm not perfect but I know I did right by my marriage and have zero guilt on that. My only lingering struggle is about my children. I hope I can be the father they need me to be. I try hard every day for them


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

this thread was more apropiated for CWI or life after divorce, most of the users that know you are in those sections, I found it because I was checking your all your threads but here is kind of missing the proper feedback.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

BTW I hope that you exposed the scumb bag as he deserved, if not at work at least to his BW, did you informed her?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

manticore said:


> BTW I hope that you exposed the scumb bag as he deserved, if not at work at least to his BW, did you informed her?


Ohh yes I did my friend. I'm a Scorpio after all so he was toast moment I found out


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

manticore said:


> this thread was more apropiated for CWI or life after divorce, most of the users that know you are in those sections, I found it because I was checking your all your threads but here is kind of missing the proper feedback.


You may be right. Maybe I didn't place this appropriately. Was my first post. If an mods feel this needs to be moved then by all means and thanks


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

you can send a PM to Amplexor or any other moderator and they will move it without problems.

I think that is always good the hear about a BS that succesfully moved on and have a good (and many times better) life. Specially for newbies that just discovered that their life partner cheated and feel like the world is collapsing, so stories like yours where they can see that in fact it gets better can help them in those dark moments.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

bump


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I have been a long time lurker here but never registered and never posted before. I found this forum when my marriage collapsed several years ago and I found myself single for the first time in 12 years. I have read and taken to heart some of the advice on this forum I have learned things. I also, through my own journey, discovered a few things on my own and wanted to share one of them today in hopes that it helps some of the guys and gals here in moving on.
> 
> ...


I think anytime we can identify something that we do/did to contribute to a problem, it is very empowering. Because, if we can't change anyone else, at least we can change our own choices and actions.

It's awesome to get out of the blame/victimization cycle. Personally, I hate being a victim. I'd much rather know what I can do to not feed a problem.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Is she in any kind of stable relationship? 
Has she at least stabilized her mommy mode?
How long are you on the hook for alimony?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

When you are a BS, you are a victim only if you choose to be. The moment you decide 'it's enough', you start controlling your life.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Still waiting for karma bus to deliver my justice ............. And wait I shall lol


I found this comment in another thread, and I found weird that you think that karma buss has not arrived to your Xwife.

for what I understand her life is a mess, she left a good man/marriage and was dumped like garbage, she will have to expend years compensating her kids for her actions (and more when they fully understand what she did), in the other hand you have a nice girlfriend and you have learned how to identify red flags and how to address marriage problems, so most likely when/if you fully commit to a new LTR/marriage you will have a nice life and she, well lets just say that I have never heard a case where a serial cheater end happily married surrended by grandchilds and visited by her/his kids in his/her golden years.


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## SADDesign (Mar 25, 2014)

I like it. Thanks. I feel just a little bit lighter saying those words to myself -- "Well, I picked him, didn't I..." Exhale...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Is she in any kind of stable relationship?
> Has she at least stabilized her mommy mode?
> How long are you on the hook for alimony?


To the best of my knowledge she isn't seeing anyone. Maybe still carrying on affairs with guys at work who knows. So long as my kids aren't involved don't care.

I don't pay alimony. I made out ok in that realm cause I had some leverage to get her and her old man affair fired if she pursued it. I was very lucky.

She is a mom. I will never ever think of her as good. To me being a parent is about being selfless. You put your own wants and sometimes your own needs aside for your kids....that is parenting to me and I can see no other way. She doesn't believe that....she believed then,and still does today, that her job and her own wants come before the kids. In the end only two people who can say if she is a good mom or not and that will be my two daughters....but I will never consider her a good one and have told her as much.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

manticore said:


> I found this comment in another thread, and I found weird that you think that karma buss has not arrived to your Xwife.
> 
> for what I understand her life is a mess, she left a good man/marriage and was dumped like garbage, she will have to expend years compensating her kids for her actions (and more when they fully understand what she did), in the other hand you have a nice girlfriend and you have learned how to identify red flags and how to address marriage problems, so most likely when/if you fully commit to a new LTR/marriage you will have a nice life and she, well lets just say that I have never heard a case where a serial cheater end happily married surrended by grandchilds and visited by her/his kids in his/her golden years.


You are probably right my friend. As much as I despise her she is the mother of my kids and I have been able to get over much of what has been done to me. It is still lingering what was done to my kids. 

I guess maybe it's not Karma so much I am looking for to be honest. I guess I would hope for an honest and sincere apology one day. No it wouldn't change anything but to hear the acknowledgment that she did something horrible and purposefully wrong would be nice. But I don't believe she feels that way and it will never come but it would be nice


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you believe she never loved you?


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Wolf - thanks for sharing your story, it's a great thing for the TAM community and hopefully for yourself as well. I was like you, sat down and shared my story after it had really played out in the hopes it could help someone else experiencing the pain of infidelity. 

Even though LongWalk's question isn't for me, I wanted to take a stab at answering it.

I don't think she ever loved him, nor does any serial cheater ever really love their spouse or partner. Serial cheaters love one person only - themselves. They go through life with a single lens - what will make ME happiest? To OP's earlier comment about being a good mom means putting someone else's wants and needs first. The same is true for love. And a serial cheater just is not capable of that behavior. 

In fact, I think the main driver around when a serial cheater "moves on" with any relationship is when they begin to dislike how they are reflected back in their lover's eyes. A serial cheater never loves a sexual partner, they love their reflection in the eyes of that partner. As long as that reflection is one of infatuation, admiration, newness and fantasy, they stay. Because they love the way they feel when looking into this mirror. As soon as the partner begins to see them in reality, they run to the next victim. They need the fix of that ultimate reflection. If you think about it, it is the true definition of emptiness and something to be pitied.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Do you believe she never loved you?


I honesty don't know. But I can tell you it is easier for me to think that she never did and just used me. The alternative I can't really fathom


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

You should DNA your kids after looking into xw's history. Even in worst case scenario you can decide about having more children in future or not.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wolf. This was a big consideration for me. With my oldest I know exactly when she was conceived so I know she is mine. My youngest is my spitting image and temperament. But I admit after I got std tested I thought about this for some time


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> And would it make a difference to you if you found out differently? My gut tells me no....why? Because you are that kind of guy....


Going to disappoint you then I'm afraid but yes that would make a difference to me if she was an affair child. Would I hold that against her or instantly hate and not care about her, course not, she would still be the 1/2 sister of my daughter and I would never come between that relationship. But would I continue to play dad, have her 50% of the time, and financially support her ......no I wouldn't.

In truth while I am 99% sure she is mine, only have to look at the way she took out a bully in school to see that , but that one precent has haunted me. In the end I would rather truly be dead than find out any differently so I have never confirmed the 100%. I have had nightmares, several , about her as an adult admitting to me that her and her mother knew she wasn't mine for Years and just didn't say anything to keep me giving her money. When I started having those that's when I thought about getting the DNA test. Just never followed through


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Going to disappoint you then I'm afraid but yes that would make a difference to me if she was an affair child. Would I hold that against her or instantly hate and not care about her, course not, she would still be the 1/2 sister of my daughter and I would never come between that relationship. But would I continue to play dad, have her 50% of the time, and financially support her ......no I wouldn't.
> 
> In truth while I am 99% sure she is mine, only have to look at the way she took out a bully in school to see that , but that one precent has haunted me. In the end I would rather truly be dead than find out any differently so I have never confirmed the 100%. I have had nightmares, several , about her as an adult admitting to me that her and her mother knew she wasn't mine for Years and just didn't say anything to keep me giving her money. When I started having those that's when I thought about getting the DNA test. Just never followed through


Dude, that's rough. Put your mind at ease and follow through. After all, would you rather find out now or 15-20 years from now?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Going to disappoint you then I'm afraid but yes that would make a difference to me if she was an affair child. Would I hold that against her or instantly hate and not care about her, course not, she would still be the 1/2 sister of my daughter and I would never come between that relationship. But would I continue to play dad, have her 50% of the time, and financially support her ......no I wouldn't.
> 
> In truth while I am 99% sure she is mine, only have to look at the way she took out a bully in school to see that , but that one precent has haunted me. In the end I would rather truly be dead than find out any differently so I have never confirmed the 100%. I have had nightmares, several , about her as an adult admitting to me that her and her mother knew she wasn't mine for Years and just didn't say anything to keep me giving her money. When I started having those that's when I thought about getting the DNA test. Just never followed through


Even your D deserves to know if you aren't her biodad.

Nonetheless, you raised her. She's your daughter.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I hear what you are saying Gus but it's more to it. Yes the test would 100% confirm but then I would have to look at my baby girl everyday knowing that I doubted she was mine so much that I needed to medically prove it. That honestly just tears me up thinking about it even though she would never know...I would know. My x put all of us through hell. And because of this if I ever was to test I knew I would need to do it secretly so no one would know but me. I couldn't risk her later finding out that I doubted.

If I wasn't so sure I would have the test done. Even if it was like 90% I would to be sure. If I looked at personality appearance as a factor I would have way more reason to doubt my oldest than my youngest. If you see a pic of me and her sitting together she is basically a mini me with long blonde hair lol. So given the option to test or not this is the right choice for me


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Even your D deserves to know if you aren't her biodad.


Agreed. Maybe not right now, but at some point in the future for sure.



WhiteRaven said:


> Nonetheless, you raised her. She's your daughter.


I'll agree w/ this as well, as I'd consider any child that I'd raised to be mine. Having said that (and I'm not looking to revive any arguments from jld's "Would your husband..." thread), I remain staunch in my stance that any father who finds himself in such a predicament should have the freedom to make his own choices in such matters.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I hear what you are saying Gus but it's more to it. Yes the test would 100% confirm but then I would have to look at my baby girl everyday knowing that I doubted she was mine so much that I needed to medically prove it. That honestly just tears me up thinking about it even though she would never know...I would know. My x put all of us through hell. And because of this if I ever was to test I knew I would need to do it secretly so no one would know but me. I couldn't risk her later finding out that I doubted.
> 
> If I wasn't so sure I would have the test done. Even if it was like 90% I would to be sure. If I looked at personality appearance as a factor I would have way more reason to doubt my oldest than my youngest. If you see a pic of me and her sitting together she is basically a mini me with long blonde hair lol. So given the option to test or not this is the right choice for me


I understand. There is no "right" choice here, only the choice that's right for you. If it were me and I had ANY doubts, I'd have to know, but that's my nature.

Also, there ARE mail-in tests that are completely discrete. Who is it that you're worried may find out... your ex or your daughter? I could understand not wanting my daughter to know but wouldn't give a crap less if my ex found out. In fact, I'd have done it shortly after D-Day and _definitely_ pre-divorce.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Moving on isn't as hard is it first appears.
You just need to check your have a pair of bollocks first.

Betrayed husbands who stay with their wayward wives?
Their choice, but prepare for a lifetimes of heartbreak.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I'll agree w/ this as well, as I'd consider any child that I'd raised to be mine. Having said that (and I'm not looking to revive any arguments from jld's "Would your husband..." thread), I remain staunch in my stance that any father who finds himself in such a predicament should have the freedom to make his own choices in such matters.


The little ones aren't at fault. If you raised them for a significant time, don't quit on them. At least let them be happy.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I understand. There is no "right" choice here, only the choice that's right for you. If it were me and I had ANY doubts, I'd have to know, but that's my nature.
> 
> Also, there ARE mail-in tests that are completely discrete. Who is it that you're worried may find out... your ex or your daughter? I could understand not wanting my daughter to know but wouldn't give a crap less if my ex found out. In fact, I'd have done it shortly after D-Day and _definitely_ pre-divorce.


Ohh my daughter. I could care less about my x's opinion on this matter. I know I said to my x, prior to her leaving the house, that I was having STD test and DNA testing on the girls. I was angry at the time. So to the best of her knowledge I have already had those done. So that's more of where I can see my daughters being hurt is from her one day saying your dad had DNA tests to prove you're his kids. Now I can say nope that didn't happen. And yes my x would certainly do something like that to deflect a lot of the bad **** she did. She's a gem that way lol


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

davecarter said:


> Moving on isn't as hard is it first appears.
> You just need to check your have a pair of bollocks first.
> 
> Betrayed husbands who stay with their wayward wives?
> Their choice, but prepare for a lifetimes of heartbreak.


:iagree:

I know for me personally the moment I knew she slept with someone else we were done, 20 some years of knowing someone down the drain. She knew that also. I would never be able to forgive a cheater. Those that do I actually respect because they can, even through sacrifice and work, forgive and move forward, I'm not built that way.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I'm not built that way."

Me either.

I find it impossible to forgive traitorous behavior of any kind.

Once people stab me in the back, they are dead to me forever.

I know this is part of my darker side, but I have also enjoyed giving some of these people a VERY cold shoulder when they come asking for me to forgive them and take them back in my life (this included the LT gf who was my only experience of being cheated on...she came back 8 months later wanting to get back together).

I just find betrayal one of the unforgivable things people can do to each other.


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ohh my daughter. I could care less about my x's opinion on this matter. I know I said to my x, prior to her leaving the house, that I was having STD test and DNA testing on the girls. I was angry at the time. So to the best of her knowledge I have already had those done. So that's more of where I can see my daughters being hurt is from her one day saying your dad had DNA tests to prove you're his kids. Now I can say nope that didn't happen. And yes my x would certainly do something like that to deflect a lot of the bad **** she did. She's a gem that way lol



I understand your logic but it won't be your fault if you decides to DNA test them in future, It was mother who wasn't faithful during marriage. It's better safe than sorry. After reding your original post, first thing that crossed my mind that if you are biological father of your daughters then this marriage & your important reproductive years invested in it were not complete waste. IMO you deserve to know for sure as being human with having highest IQ in animal kingdom we should fare better than others. Genetic continuity is very important part of our evolution. Affairs, Infidelity etc won't register on my radar as compared that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

jld's thread on raising the other man's child created a great of deal of hard feelings.

The incidence of false paternity is at lowest 3% - 5%. A UCLA scientist doing research in hereditary diseases estimated 15%. She was not ideologically motivated in her conclusion.

Another expert said among the well educated the rate could be as low as 5% but among the poor as high as 30%.


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## fghzhen (May 4, 2014)

Then more weird stuff. New clothes,


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I guess maybe it's not Karma so much I am looking for to be honest. I guess I would hope for an honest and sincere apology one day. No it wouldn't change anything but to hear the acknowledgment that she did something horrible and purposefully wrong would be nice. But I don't believe she feels that way and it will never come but it would be nice


When I read this paragraph it remainded me of the answer a female user gave in yahoo questions sharing something to a man in in his lowest point, I remember thinking that it was a good post helpful to any BS still bothered for the fact that her EXWS didn't show remorse for her actions, it took me alot to find it again, I hope it helps you a little but remember, even if everything what she says is true, you still should stop thinking about what she thinks or what she feels and move on with your life.

(and I realize that the following paragraph don't apply to all BSs but I really think you fall in the category the lady is refering to).

*"Do women ever regret having an affair and leaving the marriage?"*

*"Ive never cheated on my spouse, but i did cheat once on an x bf.. and well although he forgave me after i couldnt forgive myself.. you have to be pretty cold hearted to do something like that to someone and not feel some sort of remorse, shame, or guilt..*

_*She's a human being.. all humans feel the same emotions.. to one extent or another.. if she has ever been a loving caring person.. then it may be for one minute of only one day, but she will eventually for that minute regret the decision that she made.. she's on the "relationship cloud nine" at the moment and if she thinks for one minute that , that doesnt ware off just like it did in your relationship then shes a fool and will eventually cheat on him for the next relationship high, because that seems to be what her hang up is.. needing to be in that "giddy" stage of a relationship. but the giddiness always fades over time.. and when it does with this guy.. she will either face "reality" or she will skip to the next to fufill that high.. it wasnt u, it wasnt what u did or didnt do.. it was her.. she made the choices.. because she has an imature outlook on what she thought marriage would be.. she thought it was going to be a fairy tale, romantic novel , 24/7 and when it wasnt.. she lost interest.. and until she crashes into that proverbal brick wall, and wakes up , she wont realize how good she had it..

Ive seen so many women leave great guys because they were "bored".. but its those women that havent been with the monsters out in the real world and dont appreciate they good guys when they have them..

Eventually she will crash and burn, when she does.. she'll be wishing she had never left.. even if she never admits to it.. she will, it took my mom 20 years to finally admit she screwed up by leaving my dad, for basically the same reasons ur wife left u.. and she dated a string of losers untill she finally "settled" for mr. not to bad.. but she had Mr. Wonderful.. but just thought that there would be someone even more wonderful and left and she found out, mr. wonderfuls are very hard to come by.. so dont worry.. Karma is a bi*ch..

Do what is right.. and she'll get what she deserves in the end.. "*_

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070423221315AAdn2DU


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