# Sex in a long term marriage



## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)

Who initiates sex? Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?

Do you find sex routine? If not, can you tell you how you spice it up in reality, not in abstraction?

My wife and I have ben married for more than 20 years, we are in our late 40s. We have very good marriage, are very much in love. I find her very attractive. We have regular sex, usually at least every other day. But sometimes I feel our sex life is routine. Sex itself is rather good but the preparation for it has become a routine. Usually it is just "ok, let's go to our bedroom". She never wants to have sex outside of our bedroom (actually only in our bed) despite we often have access to entire house. She does not seem to need or even want any foreplay, foreplay does very little to her, she gets wet pretty quickly. I kiss her a few times, try to give her oral for may be a minute and then finger her, she prefers fingering over oral, she gets wet very quickly, gets an orgasm almost immediately. Then she gives me a blow job and then we just **** in as many positions as I want.

All this makes me feel that our sex has become a routine. A nice, enjoyable but still a routine. When we travel somewhere we do have sex in hotels but we do not travel much so this does not happen often. I understand that when you have sex a couple of hundred times a year and for zillionth time in your life it is not easy to make it super special or exciting. But I still miss spontaneity and craziness if you wish. And I do not even know how to spice our sex life. Every time I try to hint on having sex maybe in a living room she stops me and asks me to move to our bed. She is very indifferent to any foreplay. She does wear lingerer when I ask her and it looks and feels very good. But again it is only when I ask her.

I do no want to sound complaining. I know I am super lucky to share my life with such a beautiful sexy woman and have regular sex life. I really want to hear others experience so maybe I can learn from it.

So couples in long term marriage with regular sex life, can you tell me how is your sex life? If you have any spontaneity and variety how you manage to achieve this?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

seaman_73 said:


> I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)


My wife is 52 and I am 51, and we have been together for a bit over 26 years and have been married for 23½ years.



> Who initiates sex? Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?


We both initiate sex quite frequently, we don't have a schedule and have never had one. Instead we have at it, whenever we feel like it and have an opportunity, or pending having the opportunity we will create one when we can.



> Do you find sex routine? If not, can you tell you how you spice it up in reality, not in abstraction?


Not really.

That said, we mix up what we share together and every now and then try new things. Plus we also do some things more often for a while and do other things less often, while mixing up that along the ways well.

For example a few years ago we started sharing sex together, while out and about. So sometimes when we're visiting a lookout or some other outdoor spot like bushland, a park, or a beach etc, if no one is around we will have sex at that location. Then if someone is likely to be around or are around, we will sometimes flirt with each other a little bit whenever a chance presents itself. So that we get excited and then take it home to play. We sometimes drive to off the beaten track places or lakes etc and share sex in our car, or on it, or nearby.

While we started going to nudist beaches on rare occasion as well.

Also a number of years ago, we started an account on a website to post some of our home made pornograhy/erotica and to chat with others as well, which can sometimes be entertaining for us.

In recent years we have also started doing some wax play with candles as well.

Plus a few years before that, we started down the road of sharing golden shower play, so I sometimes pee all over my wife and in her mouth etc, and that will either lead to sex rolling on from that, or it will close some of the sex we share.

While some years before that, we went down the path of anallingus, which is another thing I enjoy having my wife do to me. With Anal sex and other anal play being something we have done for most of the time we have been together.

Also this year, we have started giving each other hickeys on occasion and biting each other as well.

At the end of the day, throughout our time together our sex is often very wanton and wild. Yet flirting with each other and enjoying being with each other goes a long way as well. Plus being really good at sex, doesn't hurt either.

There's more of course , yet the above covers some of our spicing things up.



> My wife and I have ben married for more than 20 years, we are in our late 40s. We have very good marriage, are very much in love. I find her very attractive. We have regular sex, usually at least every other day. But sometimes I feel our sex life is routine. Sex itself is rather good but the preparation for it has become a routine. Usually it is just "ok, let's go to our bedroom". She never wants to have sex outside of our bedroom (actually only in our bed) despite we often have access to entire house. She does not seem to need or even want any foreplay, foreplay does very little to her, she gets wet pretty quickly. I kiss her a few times, try to give her oral for may be a minute and then finger her, she prefers fingering over oral, she gets wet very quickly, gets an orgasm almost immediately. Then she gives me a blow job and then we just **** in as many positions as I want.


I guess it sucks being bored by that.

On the other hand for us, we still really enjoy sharing lots of great regular vanilla sex together as well.



> All this makes me feel that our sex has become a routine. A nice, enjoyable but still a routine. When we travel somewhere we do have sex in hotels but we do not travel much so this does not happen often. I understand that when you have sex a couple of hundred times a year and for zillionth time in your life it is not easy to make it super special or exciting. But I still miss spontaneity and craziness if you wish. And I do not even know how to spice our sex life. Every time I try to hint on having sex maybe in a living room she stops me and asks me to move to our bed. She is very indifferent to any foreplay. She does wear lingerer when I ask her and it looks and feels very good. But again it is only when I ask her.


I don't know why you try to hint at anything, since in my estimation it's a bit passive and can easily be dismissed for the passivity of it alone.

If you want something, you have a far better chance at getting to go there, by speaking directly about it, without ambiguity or trepidation.

Of which, from experience I find that I have gotten to do plenty of things sexually throughout my life, by being direct about what I want it and owning my desires without apology.

If I want my wife to stick her tongue up my rectum, I tell her "stick your tongue in my ass" or "I want you to put your tongue in my ass". So on and so on etc.



> I do no want to sound complaining. I know I am super lucky to share my life with such a beautiful sexy woman and have regular sex life. I really want to hear others experience so maybe I can learn from it.
> 
> So couples in long term marriage with regular sex life, can you tell me how is your sex life? If you have any spontaneity and variety how you manage to achieve this?


Our sex life is fun. See above for the rest.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

@Personal I don't think he is coming back now...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

My grandfather once told me a story.
A young couple on their wedding day were given a large empty whiskey bottle.
They were told each time they made love for the first two years of their marriage, to put a penny coin into the bottle and then after two years to take a penny coin out the bottle each time they made love.
He said; "they`ll never empty the whisky bottle of those coins for the remainder of their married lives".
I guess this pertains to many long term married couples.
I know there must be married couples that still have an active sex life after being together for several years and as exciting as it was in the earlier days of their marriage, but I think this is in the minority.
There can also be an imbalance whereas one partners sexual libido decreases leaving the other partner sexually frustrated and then it evolves into a DIY job, which is rather sad. There are many posters on these forums who complain about the lack of intimacy in their marriages.
How some married couples manage to keep the zest in their bedrooms sure beats me. Perhaps swingers have the right idea, the old saying, variety is the spice of life, but usually there is one partner who would not participate in that type of thing.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> @Personal I don't think he is coming back now...


😥


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Putting your tongue in someone’s assis unhygienic and gross. Disgusting to ask that


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Putting your tongue in someone’s assis unhygienic and gross. Disgusting to ask that


No fun for you then.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NOTE TO SELF: Do NOT eat breakfast while reading the Sex in Marriage board. 🤣


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

To the OP: I’ve been married about the same length as you. I would love it if my sex life with my wife was like you described!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> Who initiates sex? Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?


We have been together nearing 6 decades. I have always been the initiator even when dating. My wife has alwayes been responsive desire.

We have a schedule ( yeah I know most folks would hate it ). But it works for us and always has. These days it is morning and afternoon..



seaman_73 said:


> Do you find sex routine?


I guess since we have a schedule, it would be considered routine.



seaman_73 said:


> I kiss her a few times, try to give her oral for may be a minute and then finger her, she prefers fingering over oral, she gets wet very quickly, gets an orgasm almost immediately. Then she gives me a blow job and then we just **** in as many positions as I want.


Well a lot of people writing in to this forum would consider your situation heaven compared to theirs. It is human nature to look at a half full glass and think it half empty.

Anyway, you want it spiced up and your wife wants same-same. I have no advice other than talking with her, which sounds like you have already. Maybe @Personal or @ConanHub can advise how to change your situation.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

@ccpowerslave ; could probably help with that as well.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Personal said:


> My wife is 52 and I am 51, and we have been together for a bit over 26 years and have been married for 23½ years.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ah, that's great! I wish my wife were that adventurous. I am a bit jealous of you.  I do not want to pressure her to do what she does not like. She only wants to have sex in our bed. If I start makin up elsewhere she stops me and asks me nicely to move to our bed. There is literally nothing I can do but I do no want to pressure her to have sex where is not comfortable. I once suggested we park somewhere in empty parking lot and have sex in a car and she was clearly not comfortable with this.


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## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

seaman, if anything would work, then most likely some combination of the following:
a) discussions on introducing novel things at the times when it is clear that sex is not immediately expected after the discussion
b) introducing these novel things in smaller increments... If your wife is only comfortable in one particular bed, then moving on to sex in the car in a parking lot is too much of a gap to bridge. It is much more relaistic to transition to some other piece of furniture in your home when nobody else is there and cannot possibly show up unannounced.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> We have been together nearing 6 decades. I have always been the initiator even when dating. My wife has alwayes been responsive desire.
> 
> We have a schedule ( yeah I know most folks would hate it ). But it works for us and always has. These days it is morning and afternoon..
> 
> ...


I have also been initiator and my wife has always responded positively to me initiating. We do not have a schedule, we have sex every day we feel OK. In practice due to kids, work, being sick, etc. we have sex in average every other day, it can be 4 days in a row and then it can be no sex for two days. Usually, we very rarely go three days in a row with no sex, I am starting to get nuts when this happens.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> She only wants to have sex in our bed.


This is humorous because had this conversation yesterday, teasing her about doing it on the sofa. Her response was “it’s uncomfortable, we have a nice bed”.



seaman_73 said:


> I once suggested we park somewhere in empty parking lot and have sex in a car and she was clearly not comfortable with this.


Again, sometimes tease her about recreating our dating days in backseat of car. But it is only teasing and hot talk because these days parking somewhere in our area would br extraordinarily dangerous.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

umbluu said:


> seaman, if anything would work, then most likely some combination of the following:
> a) discussions on introducing novel things at the times when it is clear that sex is not immediately expected after the discussion
> b) introducing these novel things in smaller increments... If your wife is only comfortable in one particular bed, then moving on to sex in the car in a parking lot is too much of a gap to bridge. It is much more relaistic to transition to some other piece of furniture in your home when nobody else is there and cannot possibly show up unannounced.


By some reason she does not want to have sex even in living room when there is no one in the house (we have kids in high school). she is rather open to novel things, our sex itself is not really vanilla. I said she is happy to give me BJ and try few things I want. But what leads to sex is rather boring, we just undress (or I undress her, but she never undresses me) and do it. There is little foreplay as she does not really enjoy it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@seaman_73, I think @umbluu has a good point about being able to walk before you can run in terms of location.

Now on doing it outside of home, before my wife and I had been together. We had both shared sex in some more public places with others. Yet never got around to sharing that together.

Until one time on a drive in some mountains together I pulled up on the side of the road to tell her I wanted to **** her there and then.

Now given that we hadn’t done that together after so many years of being together, she was surprised and excited. So she said okay and we went for it. Then afterwards for weeks she often told me how exciting it was and she was keen for more of that from time to time.

So that’s another way it has worked for us.

That said if your wife is not willing, and tells you no. Then you’re left with appreciating her wants and desires and accepting that. Not only because it’s the right thing to do. Yet also because if she doesn’t want to do it, or isn’t into it or enthusiastic about it, it won’t be great fun for you either.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

And from some experience in getting older. We also find a good bed, to be the most comfortable place to enjoy sharing sex as well.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> But what leads to sex is rather boring, we just undress (or I undress her, but she never undresses me) and do it. There is little foreplay as she does not really enjoy it.


Is this maybe part of the responsive in an LTR vs spontaneous? 

You are wanting your wife be spontaneous, that isn’t her mode, having settled into a familiar successful routine can be comfortable. 

If you figure out how to flip that script you can probably make lot of money instructing others. I believe @Personal and @ccpowerslave managed to accomplish what you are wanting maintain spontaneity.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

20 year marraige, before kids she was a sexual wilcat, after nothing but duty/shut me up sex with little passion and none of the lust before the kids were born. She rarely turns me down but whilst not corpse sex it is poor.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Is this maybe part of the responsive in an LTR vs spontaneous?
> 
> You are wanting your wife be spontaneous, that isn’t her mode, having settled into a familiar successful routine can be comfortable.
> 
> If you figure out how to flip that script you can probably make lot of money instructing others. I believe @Personal and @ccpowerslave managed to accomplish what you are wanting maintain spontaneity.


Actually what I most want to break is routine and boredom of how we get to sex. I understand it is unreasonable to expect ripping each other clothes every time we have sex but doing it as if we are just preparing to have a dinner or have a walk together is also a bit sour. And expanding our sex to at least other parts of the house would be great as well.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Kput said:


> 20 year marraige, before kids she was a sexual wilcat, after nothing but duty/shut me up sex with little passion and none of the lust before the kids were born. She rarely turns me down but whilst not corpse sex it is poor.


I feel for you. I am lucky we do not have this problem. she does enjoy sex itself. She is vocal and her orgasms are fantastic. I really really enjoy this.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

seaman_73 said:


> I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)
> 
> Who initiates sex? Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?
> 
> ...


Every other day? You have no reason to complain. None. .. we are on a pace for twice a week this year. Not bad as we are 61 and 63. Some weeks more often. A bit “routine” at times, but think quality has improved a bit. Blue pill needed. That sucks, but it works.

I try to bring new ideas to bedroom like hot pillow talk - mention people we know or places we’ve been - and more use of vibrators. Overall, I’d like more frequency, but it’s good. She rarely initiates. Did last week, first time in 7 plus years.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> Actually what I most want to break is routine and boredom of how we get to sex.


How about starting the day with teasing, innuendo, caressing. A phone call from work? A note left for her to find. Anything unexpected, 

Surprise out for dinner then check in at nice local hotel for the night instead of going home. Start doing the unexpected.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Kput said:


> 20 year marraige, before kids she was a sexual wilcat, after nothing but duty/shut me up sex with little passion and none of the lust before the kids were born. She rarely turns me down but whilst not corpse sex it is poor.


Her priority in the house is most likely on the kids and she may be tired by the end of the day. I won’t even pretend to understand what a mother goes through on a daily basis. 

It is important though that you and your wife have quality time together. Do you help her out with anything that can lighten her load during the day?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Yeah, that surprise hotel visit went over like a lead balloon. Same goes for the surprise concert tickets for her birthday. I had to sell them day of the show for half price. Unexpected don’t go far with some women. I’ve tried in bed, too. mixed results.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

The kids are 12 and 15, she works full time as do i, strange really i do as much if not more around the home as she does yet i am still much the same as before the kids whilst she has changed.

A work colleague is having an affair and tbh i feel envious.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Kput said:


> The kids are 12 and 15, she works full time as do i, strange really i do as much if not more around the home as she does yet i am still much the same as before the kids whilst she has changed.
> 
> A work colleague is having an affair and tbh i feel envious.


An affair is not the solution. 

Have you tried talking with her to see how she’s feeling? Instead of asking her if you can help with laundry or cook dinner, just offer to do so. 

Also, are you keeping up with yourself? It’s very important to take care of yourself too. I started exercising earlier this year and it’s helped.

None of what I suggested has worked in my marriage but maybe it will help yours. Me focusing on myself and my health is my priority as long as I’m being a good dad.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

seaman_73 said:


> Actually what I most want to break is routine and boredom of how we get to sex. I understand it is unreasonable to expect ripping each other clothes every time we have sex but doing it as if we are just preparing to have a dinner or have a walk together is also a bit sour. And expanding our sex to at least other parts of the house would be great as well.


You have a healthy and robust se life with a responsive partner that is DTF. 

you do not have any sexual issues or dysfunctions as a married couple, you just simply are not carefree, childless, hormone injected teenagers anymore.

if you’re wanting road head in the car and to be bending her over the kitchen counter or leaving a wet spot on the couch, it’s a matter of your own level of game.

if you’re at Level 2 and are having regular sex in the bedroom at night after the kids are down and you are wanting to bend her over the kitchen counter while the kids are out, you’re going to have to bump your banter and your game up at least Level 3.

you’re going to to learn to say things like, “I’m not going to be able to wait until we get upstairs!! Checking out your butt in those yoga pants is gonna make me bust right here so unless you want spew on the kitchen floor, you need to drop those yoga pants and bend over right now!!! Here let me hold your titties so you don’t bump your head into the fawcet.”

basically if you want to have sex like a horny frat boy, you’re going to have to develop the game and assertiveness of a frat boy.

And with that you will need to learn the difference between a hard no vs a “not here and not now.”

This is a very politically volatile thing to say in this day and age, but both of you are going to need to embrace a little discomfort and step a toe out of your box and out of your comfort zone.

When a gal blows a biker in the restroom of a bar, she’s not completely comfortable and at ease.

He has gamed her and turned on her switches with his assertiveness and dominance to where her arousal is stronger than her need for comfort and tranquility.

And in many ways that discomfort and intrigue fuels the stimulation and arousal.

Assuming this is all consensual and on the up and up - boredom will kill more marriages and sexual relationships than stepping a toe outside of one’s comfort zone now and then.

if you’re wanting a higher level of sexual novelty and energy, you’re going to have to turn up your level of game and initiative.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> basically if you want to have sex like a horny frat boy, you’re going to have to develop the game and assertiveness of a frat boy.


Not sure I agree with this. You can have all the game there is but if she’s exhausted and focused on kids and/or menopausal no amount of game overcomes that. I would argue most women (and some men) fall on the “why isn’t our sex life isn’t good enough for you” end of the spectrum versus the “babe, we need to kick it up a notch!” end. And “game” engenders the notion that many women feel competition or desire to pursue an unpredictable guy and feel of loss. Hence, why ‘hysterical bonding’ is a thing.

I would argue that most middle-aged women, including my wife, would look back at the days of blowing some random biker dude in the bathroom with disdain and shame versus something that was part of the good ol’ days to relive.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

aaarghdub said:


> Not sure I agree with this. You can have all the game there is but if she’s exhausted and focused on kids and/or menopausal no amount of game overcomes that. I would argue most women (and some men) fall on the “why isn’t our sex life isn’t good enough for you” end of the spectrum versus the “babe, we need to kick it up a notch!” end. And “game” engenders the notion that many women feel competition or desire to pursue an unpredictable guy and feel of loss. Hence, why ‘hysterical bonding’ is a thing.
> 
> I would argue that most middle-aged women, including my wife, would look back at the days of blowing some random biker dude in the bathroom with disdain and shame versus something that was part of the good ol’ days to relive.
> 
> ...


It may not work and she may never plop her bare behind up on the kitchen counter
and say give it to me baby!!

But my point still stands that if he wants a higher octane of sexual energy, he is going to have to bump up his efforts. 

If you don’t like the word “game” because of its current connotations in today’s vernacular, shall we use the term ‘seduction’ instead?

Either way you slice it, if you want greater returns, you have to put in greater efforts.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You have a healthy and robust se life with a responsive partner that is DTF.
> 
> you do not have any sexual issues or dysfunctions as a married couple, you just simply are not carefree, childless, hormone injected teenagers anymore.
> 
> ...


This is all great but I don't think it will work for us. My wife has never really been wild and we mostly had passionate loving sex, it was intense but was passionate rather than rough or dominated. What really faded with years is that build up we used to have before sex with her heart beating, feeling excited. right now it is just undress and ready to go. I would never do anything to hurt her. So bending her over the kitchen counter may sound exciting but I do no think she will take it positively.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> It may not work and she may never plop her bare behind up on the kitchen counter
> and say give it to me baby!!
> 
> But my point still stands that if he wants a higher octane of sexual energy, he is going to have to bump up his efforts.
> ...


Don't fall for the trap that I think was put out by women: That a hubby doing more around the house will lead to more fun in the bedroom. I've tried that: Doing all the laundry, preparing meals, cleaning up the dishes, cleaning the house. Led to less sex.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

seaman_73 said:


> This is all great but I don't think it will work for us. My wife has never really been wild and we mostly had passionate loving sex, it was intense but was passionate rather than rough or dominated. What really faded with years is that build up we used to have before sex with her heart beating, feeling excited. right now it is just undress and ready to go. I would never do anything to hurt her. So bending her over the kitchen counter may sound exciting but I do no think she will take it positively.


Realize I am saying that figuratively to use as an example. 

you will have to calibrate and adjust to both her and your own temperaments.

My primary point here is if you want a higher level of sexual energy, your going to have to put in a higher level of effort. 

You’ll have to determine what that means and what will work for both of you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Don't fall for the trap that I think was put out by women: That a hubby doing more around the house will lead to more fun in the bedroom. I've tried that: Doing all the laundry, preparing meals, cleaning up the dishes, cleaning the house. Led to less sex.


Are you directing this to the OP or are you directing it to me???

if you are directing this to the OP then I agree with you.

if you are directing this to me, then that means we have reached a sad state of affairs in the world that when someone uses the word “efforts”, that it automatically means doing more dishes and laundry.

because that is absolutely NOT what I meant.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kput said:


> The kids are 12 and 15, she works full time as do i, strange really i do as much if not more around the home as she does yet i am still much the same as before the kids whilst she has changed.
> 
> *A work colleague is having an affair and tbh i feel envious.*


..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Putting your tongue in someone’s assis unhygienic and gross. Disgusting to ask that


It's certainly an e coli infection.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

seaman_73 said:


> This is all great but I don't think it will work for us. My wife has never really been wild and we mostly had passionate loving sex, it was intense but was passionate rather than rough or dominated. What really faded with years is that build up we used to have before sex with her heart beating, feeling excited. right now it is just undress and ready to go. I would never do anything to hurt her. So bending her over the kitchen counter may sound exciting but I do no think she will take it positively.


So how can you have build up if you're having sex all the time? Maybe what you need to do is have sex less and see if that works as buildup.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Are you directing this to the OP or are you directing it to me???
> 
> if you are directing this to the OP then I agree with you.
> 
> ...


to OP


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Have an affair! Enjoy! Enjoy the divorce and lack of respect. What a piece of **** thing to say. Gross


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Have an affair! Enjoy! Enjoy the divorce and lack of respect. What a piece of **** thing to say. Gross


You need to identify who you are directing that to.

the OP has not said a word about an affair.

Another poster mentioned he was envious of a coworker that was having an affair, but otherwise the topic of infidelity has not been a topic of discussion here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's certainly an e coli infection.


Not unless the receiver has an actual E. coli infection.

if two people are living together, eating together and share a bathroom for a length of time, they already have very similar gut flora.

assuming very good hygiene and cleaning prior to the act and the recipient not having any current gastro intestinal infection or illness, it shouldn’t result in any ill effects to the giver as they share the same intestinal flora already.

whether someone would actually want to is a whole other story. But two healthy people that live, eat and share bathroom facilities together won’t have anything different to pass to on to the other.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Not unless the receiver has an actual E. coli infection.
> 
> if two people are living together, eating together and share a bathroom for a length of time, they already have very similar gut flora.
> 
> ...


makes me remember one night as a back rub turned into something more, when she really enjoyed it and then realized where my tongue was and pushed me away. Always found that amusing. Like she thought 'damn, what he's doing feels so sexy and good ... wait a minute, he's doing what?!" Have not tried it since. maybe some day.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

seaman_73 said:


> I would never do anything to hurt her. So bending her over the kitchen counter may sound exciting but I do no think she will take it positively.


How do you know she wouldn't like that, have you tried doing that with her, have you told her you want to do that?

Plus what makes you think doing that with her would somehow hurt her?

At the end of the day, not talking directly, not acting directly. While also making assumptions about how your wife may react, while not affording her the opportunity to decide for herself how she will react, ensures you won't share more sexual excitement together.

I had no idea if my wife would be up for me dripping melted wax from a lit candle, yet knowing that she is decides what she will and won't do. I afforded her the opportunity to consider my doing that to her, for herself to decide. So I spoke up, while not being apologetic, hesitant or timid about it. And in response my wife thought it might be fun to do, so she said yes to giving it a go.

Likewise at one point I had no idea if my wife was up for any spanking play. So I suggested it, and she turned down that suggestion making it clear she is not interested in doing that kind of thing at all, which is fine by me.

The thing is, there are plenty of things she is up for and plenty of things that she isn't. Yet there are lots of things that we share today, because I haven't presumed she wouldn't be interested. Which has led to us trying different things and taking some of those things up while letting other things go, because I am not shy about my sexual desires.

On the being over thing. My wife tells me that she finds it exciting that I desire her as much as I do. And she enjoys, the way I go about things.

Of which she likes that I will sometimes come up behind her and start briefly kissing her neck and sliding my teeth down her neck, before stopping and walking away. Then later coming back and kissing her rather passionately and again stopping and moving on. Until I come up behind her start kissing her again,, then grip the back of her skirt to pull it up while using my other hand to pull her knickers aside before bedding her over a chair or bench to put myself inside her.

On the other hand if that kind of thing isn't in you, then perhaps you're barking up the wrong tree if you're hoping for more.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

aaarghdub said:


> Not sure I agree with this. You can have all the game there is but if she’s exhausted and focused on kids and/or menopausal no amount of game overcomes that. I would argue most women (and some men) fall on the “why isn’t our sex life isn’t good enough for you” end of the spectrum versus the “babe, we need to kick it up a notch!” end. And “game” engenders the notion that many women feel competition or desire to pursue an unpredictable guy and feel of loss. Hence, why ‘hysterical bonding’ is a thing.


For some of us, sex is often mostly a wonderful relief from such burdens.

So kids, cancer, other life threatening illnesses, menopause, full time career in a leading role, plus other big ticket experiences as well. Hasn't slowed down my wife sexually.



> I would argue that most middle-aged women, including my wife, would look back at the days of blowing some random biker dude in the bathroom with disdain and shame versus something that was part of the good ol’ days to relive.


I have no idea whether it is most, many or few.

That said my wife and I once had a conversation, a few very recent years ago. Where my wife said she still thinks it was very exciting having at it, with her previous sexual partner in a pub on one occasion. Something that I have also enjoyed (and recall fondly) with another woman in my past as well.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> assuming very good hygiene and cleaning prior to the act and the recipient not having any current gastro intestinal infection or illness, it shouldn’t result in any ill effects to the giver as they share the same intestinal flora already.


Yep.

At the end of the day I enjoy it when my wife does that, so given that I have wanted her to keep doing that (and still do). It would be a fools errand for me to not make sure I am clean down there and that she won't get sick from doing that.

And for what it's worth my wife says it's not a big deal it just tastes like skin.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ahh, another one of these, I'll play along.

Together 35 years, married 32. I'm 51 and she is 54. We have sex around 4x a week during normal day to day life. Any time we are on a getaway or vacation it is more like 1-3x per day. They are sex fiestas for us, lol. We managed 14 times in a 24 hours period one time.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's certainly an e coli infection.


After more than two decades of doing that, she's never gotten sick like that ('cause hygiene), so it's not certain at all.

Likewise for circa 24 years, she has often given me fellatio after I have been in her backdoor as well, and again she's not got sick from doing that either.

At the end of the day, she is seldom ever sick, (and stomach bugs are not a thing for her) and currently as recently tested all is well. Plus as always she has maintained a healthy wieght as well. Now sure she has had some big ticket issues in recent years like breast cancer and thyroid problems. Yet that isn't related, and so far she isn't on any medication for such things going forward because she's been told by the specialists, that she doesn't need it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Ahh, another one of these, I'll play along.


This isn't about frequency, it is about @seaman_73 wanting to share more variety and excitement.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

My wife and I have been married near 40 years now, I'm in my 60s and she's almost there. There have been many great times, average times and dead times. It ebbs and flows like the tides. We both seem to realize when it's getting boring. We have and do discuss, much better now, where we'd like to take it. I've been wanting to move it to different area other than indoors. She's a bit hesitant, but I did get her to get naked in the hot tub for the first time and that actually got her randy! We've tried toys, not her thing. Lately it's been roleplay with cross dressing some. Very novel. Very funny and lots of good laughs. Laughter works wonders. Trying to get her to play a bit on road trips in the car. She's finally warming to the idea of videoing ourselves for some laughs. She's been very inhibited sexually most of her life and has now begun to say to heck with it all and live a bit more. I've always been good with anything between us as long as both enjoy and it doesn't hurt one another unless desired. I've been the initiator almost always with her being responsive desire.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Personal said:


> This isn't about frequency, it is about @seaman_73 wanting to share more variety and excitement.


Yeah I should probably read better, lol.

I really wish I could put my finger on precisely why our sex life is so satisfying after all these years. It definitely starts with having the hots for each other and really enjoying sex. I recently read some old letters I wrote to her when I was in Army basic training. It was the first time I was away from her for more than a couple days since we started dating. Some of what I wrote was so graphic it made me blush. Same with what I got in return. You have to have a real sexual connection to start off with.

I remind her how much I love her, enjoy her company and how much I lust after her on a very regular basis. I've always romanced her at every opportunity from the very start. It just seems to happen so naturally, so it doesn't really feel like I'm having to work hard at it. The work we do is just talk about sex openly and frequently. 

I'm going to turn off humble mode for a moment and say that I think I am an incredibly good husband. My wife tells me that on a regular basis. She praises and brags about me very frequently to her friends. I know this because they tell me when I see them. I've never done anything to create resentment of any sort in her. Same goes for her. Resentment is a sex life killer.

I'm not sure there is much that can be transfered to others to put jnto practice because if you have been married a long time and haven't been keeping the spark alive throughout, you will be fighting a major uphill battle to get it back. If it ever existed in the first place. It is hard to undue resentment and other factors that have made a woman lose sexual attraction for her partner.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

seaman_73 said:


> This is all great but I don't think it will work for us. My wife has never really been wild and we mostly had passionate loving sex, it was intense but was passionate rather than rough or dominated. What really faded with years is that build up we used to have before sex with her heart beating, feeling excited. right now it is just undress and ready to go. I would never do anything to hurt her. So bending her over the kitchen counter may sound exciting but I do no think she will take it positively.


You might be surprised. Many women are turned on by a guys animalistic sexual actions. You know...that thing that leaves her laying there trying to figure out where that force of nature come from that just left her dazed and disheveled laying in a heap on the bed.

My wife and I were like you until one day I changed the rules of the game and she responded by her animalistic lust being released, she was so turned on. Now she is very active and has said I can do anything I want to her. Together 26 yrs.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> Actually what I most want to break is routine and boredom of how we get to sex.


How about slowing the approach down? Change your approach. Pretend you are dating. Seduce her. Put on some music and pour some wine. If she starts to disrobe, ask her to remain dressed for awhile. Tell her you want to savor the trip, take some time. Avoid going to the bedroom. If she suggests going there, tell her “later”. Sit on the sofa and ask her to sit in your lap for awhile. 

Maybe doesn’t work, try something else. What do you have to lose?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yeah I should probably read better, lol.
> 
> I really wish I could put my finger on precisely why our sex life is so satisfying after all these years. It definitely starts with having the hots for each other and really enjoying sex. I recently read some old letters I wrote to her when I was in Army basic training. It was the first time I was away from her for more than a couple days since we started dating. Some of what I wrote was so graphic it made me blush. Same with what I got in return. You have to have a real sexual connection to start off with.
> 
> ...


Exactly same here brother. My wife is turned on by seeing how turned on I am by just being around her and how much I want her. Makes her feel sexual just from being lusted after by me. Helps that she knows what physical intimacy means to me and how I equate it to being loved. So me wanting her so badly let's her know also how much I love her and am in love with her. That sex for me comes with strong emotions for her, she knows I crave that connection to her on an emotional level and it strengthens the bond she has to me knowing I feel that way.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> How about slowing the approach down? Change your approach. Pretend you are dating. Seduce her. Put on some music and pour some wine. If she starts to disrobe, ask her to remain dressed for awhile. Tell her you want to savor the trip, take some time. Avoid going to the bedroom. If she suggests going there, tell her “later”. Sit on the sofa and ask her to sit in your lap for awhile.
> 
> Maybe doesn’t work, try something else. What do you have to lose?


Slowing down what? Having less sex? Why?

We have very good loving passionate relationship. We kiss passionately, we hug, we cuddle. We say loving and sexually suggested words (actually again it is me initiating this and her responding ). Every single day. We go on dates few times a month, we take walks few times a week. So we do have very good marriage which serves us a very good foundation for sexual intimacy. truly love her very much, consider her the most beautiful and hottest girl in the world and treat her as a queen. 

Another point. She NEVER initiates sex. If I will be waiting for her to make a move or suggest anything I will be waiting forever. However, she never rejects me. I do not initiate when she is legitimately not in the move or sick.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> Slowing down what? Having less sex? Why?
> 
> We have very good loving passionate relationship. We kiss passionately, we hug, we cuddle. We say loving and sexually suggested words (actually again it is me initiating this and her responding ). Every single day. We go on dates few times a month, we take walks few times a week. So we do have very good marriage which serves us a very good foundation for sexual intimacy. truly love her very much, consider her the most beautiful and hottest girl in the world and treat her as a queen.
> 
> Another point. She NEVER initiates sex. If I will be waiting for her to make a move or suggest anything I will be waiting forever. However, she never rejects me. I do not initiate when she is legitimately not in the move or sick.


I thought you said she basically took her clothes off, no foreplay, straight to action. You said you wanted to change the dynamic. My suggestion doesn’t require her to initiate.

Did I misunderstand?

If you want something different wont you have to change methods?


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> You might be surprised. Many women are turned on by a guys animalistic sexual actions. You know...that thing that leaves her laying there trying to figure out where that force of nature come from that just left her dazed and disheveled laying in a heap on the bed.
> 
> My wife and I were like you until one day I changed the rules of the game and she responded by her animalistic lust being released, she was so turned on. Now she is very active and has said I can do anything I want to her. Together 26 yrs.


You are probably right. It sounds really exciting to me. I have always fantasized about just once in a while just grabbing her and just ****ing her, more like Fifty Shades of Grey style (not BDSM, just style). We never done this before, as I said we always had intense but passionate sex. I personally scared she won't take this positively and this will negatively impact our sex life.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I thought you said she basically took her clothes off, no foreplay, straight to action. You said you wanted to change the dynamic. My suggestion doesn’t require her to initiate.
> 
> Did I misunderstand?
> 
> If you want something different wont you have to change methods?


Maybe I misunderstood what you are suggesting. She does not want to do anything outside of our bedroom. I suggested or hinted many times on moving somewhere outside of our bed, I even tried to start the action on the sofa in living room. She clearly feels uncomfortable, stops me and asks me to go to our bedroom. I do not want to force her doing something she does not want.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> Maybe I misunderstood what you are suggesting. She does not want to do anything outside of our bedroom. I suggested or hinted many times on moving somewhere outside of our bed, I even tried to start the action on the sofa in living room. She clearly feels uncomfortable, stops me and asks me to go to our bedroom. I do not want to force her doing something she does not want.


So she wont sit on your lap on the sofa? What if you tell her you will go to the bedroom if and when things progress to that point. Tell her you just want to relax a little. Maybe watch a “chick flick” with her.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So she wont sit on your lap on the sofa? What if you tell her you will go to the bedroom if and when things progress to that point. Tell her you just want to relax a little. Maybe watch a “chick flick” with her.


She will sit on my lap on the sofa. she will do with me anything anywhere except when it comes to sex. She kisses me anywhere including in public. It is just sex she is only comfortable in our bed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> She will sit on my lap on the sofa. she will do with me anything anywhere except when it comes to sex. She kisses me anywhere including in public. It is just sex she is only comfortable in our bed.


Nothing wrong with that. Next time you are fooling around while she is on your lap, pick her up and carry her into the bedroom and have your way with her. I did that just a few weeks ago. Very passionate.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I wish my wife was like yours OP.

We’ve been married for 17 years and together for 25. Both early 40s.

We have sex 2/3 times a month on average usually after a drink on weekends. Always me initiating which involves leaning over in bedshe very rarely does and if she does it’s something like locking the bedroom door. Turned down regularly also so stopped initiating during weekdays when there was no alcohol involved.

Its a work in progress but have made some progress being more dominant.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Personal said:


> How do you know she wouldn't like that, have you tried doing that with her, have you told her you want to do that?
> 
> Plus what makes you think doing that with her would somehow hurt her?
> 
> ...


I'll try anything once. And I think a lot of the quiet wives and husbands are willing to, as well. Just need a nudge, an idea.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

seaman_73 said:


> You are probably right. It sounds really exciting to me. I have always fantasized about just once in a while just grabbing her and just ****ing her, more like Fifty Shades of Grey style (not BDSM, just style). We never done this before, as I said we always had intense but passionate sex. I personally scared she won't take this positively and this will negatively impact our sex life.


Alot of women want to be taken, but you got to mix it up. Last night wife was doing the taking what she wanted.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

seaman_73 said:


> You are probably right. It sounds really exciting to me. I have always fantasized about just once in a while just grabbing her and just ****ing her, more like Fifty Shades of Grey style (not BDSM, just style). We never done this before, as I said we always had intense but passionate sex. I personally scared she won't take this positively and this will negatively impact our sex life.


She has probably had the same fantasy but you have not made it so. If you did that more often, the sex life would improve. When I started being dominant in the bed room, my wife's sexual arousal went through the roof.


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## OdliDPrincess (3 mo ago)

We usually have sex 1-2 times a week on average. Honestly the best sex we have after a drink. My bf usually initiates, but sometimes me.
When we feel bored in bed we use toys like this.
From time to time we fantasize. It helps us to get aroused more.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

OdliDPrincess said:


> We usually have sex 1-2 times a week on average. Honestly the best sex we have after a drink. My bf usually initiates, but sometimes me.
> When we feel bored in bed we use toys like this.
> From time to time we fantasize. It helps us to get aroused more.


Mmm, fantasy pillow talk can be delightful!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Every other day is too much. Try stretching it out a little and flirt inbetween times to increase sexual tension.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

Girl_power said:


> Every other day is too much. Try stretching it out a little and flirt inbetween times to increase sexual tension.


First, it is not exactly every other day. It is every other day on average. It can be four days in a row and no sex in two days because of being sick, stuck with kids, etc. Rarely we go three days with no sex, if it does happen I am getting nuts. I do not find every other day too much. If it were for me I would do it every day and some days more than once. When my wife is walking by me I have hard time not to think about something sexual, she is so gorgeous and so sexy.


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)

Who initiates sex?
*We both do at least once a week each for intercourse as well as for other play/sex, 4 times normally, often more.*

Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?
*My husband is more proactive so he almost always does first, I never know what day. Then I do the next day or later in the same day. The third sort of happens in the shower, bath, watching football (currently). Fourth or more, sometimes either of us getting frisky during a kiss starts it all. That darn kissing is what does it for us.*

Do you find sex routine?
*It can be when we get super overwhelmed with busyness. However we have an alarm that goes off. My husband gets feisty. No kidding his aggressive level spikes. Ding, ding, ding, time to vary it up!*

If not, can you tell you how you spice it up in reality, not in abstraction?
*I am totally okay with same old same old, it works wonders for me. NOT my husband! Same things are our main stay and it works1st time each week, 2nd needs variety – different position or suggestion/edginess, 3rd is a hj with b or oral on me w/ ap could be various toys play either/or – that always spices things up for us, 4th or more involves some sort of mb us/him, if we do more cp is always part of it. I discovered unbeknownst to my husband that he likes ap – A LOT. He still hates to admit it but it works so well, I could probably do only this and he’d not want sex as often. It sates him longer periods of time than anything else we so. I am the same with making love each week. It rocks my world!*

My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years, we are in our late 40s. We have very good marriage, are very much in love. I find her very attractive. We have regular sex, usually at least every other day. But sometimes I feel our sex life is routine. Sex itself is rather good but the preparation for it has become a routine. Usually it is just "ok, let's go to our bedroom".
*Every other day – that’s awesome! I feel a kindred spirit here with you guys as a couple  As I mentioned, I am okay with a simple routine, intercourse rocks my world and satisfies me for many days. I am truly a wham bam thank mam kind of girl. My husband is similar to you. He prefers a great deal of foreplay preferably beginning somewhere else, car sex talk on the home, touching/gripping, more sex talk, of course kissing and embracing, even more sex talk (it’s a key). He loves stripping me as we make it in the house. I kind of like it also. I am okay with anything he wants but he has to pursue it until we get going. Once I get hot enough I can quite often take over especially when I work at it mentally but it take more effort on my part. He loves my effort. We do get into that, “let’s go to the bed,” mode.*

She never wants to have sex outside of our bedroom (actually only in our bed) despite we often have access to entire house.
*I get her. It’s easy, little effort, & gets it done.*

She does not seem to need or even want any foreplay, foreplay does very little to her, she gets wet pretty quickly.
*Yes, we are kindred.  
*
I kiss her a few times, try to give her oral for may be a minute and then finger her, she prefers fingering over oral, she gets wet very quickly, gets an orgasm almost immediately.
*If it works it works! I mean you’re doing a great job!*

Then she gives me a blow job
*Most husbands do not get that much less any of the above play. If she is not great at it then this is one place you can start working on to lose the routine. Research, read, learn, practice, talk, practice, learn, guide, practice, learn together how to give GREAT oral – the both of you!*

and then we just **** in as many positions as I want.
*We don’t even do that. My husband would love more positions and of course all over the house/furniture etc.*

All this makes me feel that our sex has become a routine. A nice, enjoyable but still a routine.
*Yep. You need to add in all that oral I told you to practice with the additional ap.*

When we travel somewhere we do have sex in hotels but we do not travel much so this does not happen often.
*Lol – you don’t have to travel to have hotel sex. We have hotel dates every month or so. The last weekend we did we took a bag of toys and I have to admit, it was extremely enjoyable.*

I understand that when you have sex a couple of hundred times a year and for zillionth time in your life it is not easy to make it super special or exciting.
*Depends on whether or not you have done everything possible, imaginable, creatively in your monogamous marriage, and that is so numerous I highly doubt it.*

But I still miss spontaneity and craziness if you wish.
*Such as? You asked for “*in reality, not in abstraction” *so please to the same so we know what you are talking about when you say spontaneity and craziness.*

And I do not even know how to spice our sex life.
*Research. The two of you need to do research together, exactly what you are doing here but TOGETHER.*

Every time I try to hint on having sex maybe in a living room she stops me and asks me to move to our bed. She is very indifferent to any foreplay.
*My husband will go the extra mile and set up another room to be mega comfortable for us to have intercourse but it takes that effort I was speaking of. *

She does wear lingerer when I ask her and it looks and feels very good. But again it is only when I ask her.
*Effort. It’s so easy to strip, climb on the bed, lube, spread, make love, orgasm, massive, multi, and cuddle! Yes my husband has to ask as well and clearly I know I need to dress the part more – uugghhh, but it’s so simple the other way.*

I do not want to sound complaining.
*And yet it does. From my perspective as a wife it does. From my husband’s he gets it, you want more, a spark, passion? He told me yes but something more. Edgy? I understand we have not done everything we can do.*

I know I am super lucky to share my life with such a beautiful sexy woman and have regular sex life. I really want to hear others experience so maybe I can learn from it.

So couples in long term marriage with regular sex life, can you tell me how is your sex life?
*Pretty dog gone good! I’d rate it a 10 once we get going, 9 over all but always ending well. My husband says it is a 10 when we are doing whatever we are doing but the set-up, prep, foreplay, and most presex is about a 3, 4 then gets to a 6 or 7. *

If you have any spontaneity and variety how you manage to achieve this?
*Toy play, device play, machine play, we are considering adding some new larger items. We could go very crazy, it’s fun but it’s on him. I’m not being lazy, well okay perhaps somewhat. I am not the one with the issue he is and I already added ap and more, I even give into cp and toy play. I feel the rest is on him to do. I will sit with him, research, talk, prepare, explore, experiment but my mind does not work that way, his does. That is why I say the rest is on him. I’ll do whatever he wants within the marriage if he sets it up (think I stated that a few times). So perhaps she is like me more than I thought. You need to sit her down, in front of a computer, research, strip, research, strip, research, check each other out; you can tell if one is excited. I know I enjoy it when I find what excites my husband. The last time we sat down, he we leaking all over as we researched the larger toys so I reached over giving him a hj. We bought one. The time before, we are looking at and talking about sex dolls, we played and I did some cp with him. We haven’t bought one of those yet, still not sure. We are discussing role play that I might be okay using one in a sci fi fantasy where it’s totally okay. I need to get more comfortable with how we implement new toys so it takes time but I am willing. We do use our current toys for rp and it is fun. My husband is very creative and getting better at making it comfortable for me mentally. Shower play has become a great way to have fun. I so do love kissing all soaped up bodies slippery with water running. Gheez naked in a waterfall would be so sexy! Okay now my brain is kicking in. For me that is the ticket, we have to find a way to get my brain engaged more for preplay, otherwise it is all about feeling with my body.*

I am lucky we do not have this problem. she does enjoy sex itself. She is vocal and her orgasms are fantastic. I really really enjoy this.
*Yep that’s me. Your wife and I are so in tune. You are the one who is going to have to slowly lead her where you want. I highly recommend rp or sex games, taking her here and there.

But you do have Quality. 
*
_Seaman 73_
What really faded with years is that build up we used to have before sex with her heart beating, feeling excited.

*What exactly faded??? Be specific as you stated in your first post. *

I would never do anything to hurt her. So bending her over the kitchen counter may sound exciting but I do not think she will take it positively.

*I would if my husband did it right. Passion not lust, sexy hot loving me not wild TAKE Me (not to say this could not lead there). Start out kind but assertive. *

_oldshirt_
My primary point here is if you want a higher level of sexual energy, your going to have to put in a higher level of effort.

*THAT’S what I’m screaming!
*
_Divinely favored_
You might be surprised. Many women are turned on by a guys animalistic sexual actions. You know...that thing that leaves her laying there trying to figure out where that force of nature come from that just left her dazed and disheveled laying in a heap on the bed.

*I agree but I think this should be the type of aggression that stays in the bed for now until you both slowly progress.*

My wife and I were like you until one day I changed the rules of the game and she responded by her animalistic lust being released, she was so turned on. Now she is very active and has said I can do anything I want to her. Together 26 yrs.

*SEEEEEE. I would be that way in the bedroom. I can see it elsewhere nowadays for certain as well.*

_Seaman 73_
Another point. She NEVER initiates sex. If I will be waiting for her to make a move or suggest anything I will be waiting forever. However, she never rejects me. I do not initiate when she is legitimately not in the move or sick.

*Then you initiate it. What’s the problem? You are getting EVERYthing a man could want from a wife except a little more exciting foreplay. INITIATE that as well. If my man wants something he needs to do IT! I will/do fall in with his moves and get fired up as does sounds your wife. Just Do It!*

_Rus47_
I thought you said she basically took her clothes off, no foreplay, straight to action. You said you wanted to change the dynamic. My suggestion doesn’t require her to initiate.

*Correct!!!*

If you want something different wont you have to change methods?

*Correct!!! Do you want it or not???*

_Seaman 73_
I have always fantasized about just once in a while just grabbing her and just ****ing her, more like Fifty Shades of Grey style (not BDSM, just style). We’ve never done this before, as I said we always had intense but passionate sex.

*As I said I wouldn’t try this out of the bedroom yet but I bet it would go over well in the bed. I do feel we are very alike in this. I would love it, especially once I get going. I want my man to be the “Male!”*

She will sit on my lap on the sofa. she will do with me anything anywhere except when it comes to sex. She kisses me anywhere including in public. It is just sex she is only comfortable in our bed.

*Then as several of us have said, “Do IT – whatever IT is in the bedroom!”
*
_BigDaddyNY_
Nothing wrong with that. Next time you are fooling around while she is on your lap, pick her up and carry her into the bedroom and have your way with her. I did that just a few weeks ago. Very passionate.

*What he said!*

_Personal_
How do you know she wouldn't like that, have you tried doing that with her, have you told her you want to do that?

*Have you pressed the issue? Been assertive and stuck with it? Again at least in the bedroom???*

Plus what makes you think doing that with her would somehow hurt her?

*Yes we are not following you on this…*

At the end of the day, not talking directly, not acting directly. While also making assumptions about how your wife may react, while not affording her the opportunity to decide for herself how she will react, ensures you won't share more sexual excitement together.

*YES – Well said!*

I had no idea if my wife would be up for me dripping melted wax from a lit candle, yet knowing that she is decides what she will and won't do. I afforded her the opportunity to consider my doing that to her, for herself to decide. So I spoke up, while not being apologetic, hesitant or timid about it.

*YES – Well said! “Not being apologetic, hesitant or timid about it.”
*
And in response my wife thought it might be fun to do, so she said yes to giving it a go.

*A guy never knows the mind of a woman, you have to talk, discuss, try, be assertive, step up, speak clearly with us, and do not let us off the hook if we do not answer back equally as clear.*

Likewise at one point I had no idea if my wife was up for any spanking play. So I suggested it, and she turned down that suggestion making it clear she is not interested in doing that kind of thing at all, which is fine by me.

*He tried. I love it!*

The thing is, there are plenty of things she is up for and plenty of things that she isn't. Yet there are lots of things that we share today, because I haven't presumed she wouldn't be interested. Which has led to us trying different things and taking some of those things up while letting other things go, because I am not shy about my sexual desires.

*I agree that a husband needs to be this way, always upfront, precise, and uninhibited. *

On the being over thing. My wife tells me that she finds it exciting that I desire her as much as I do. And she enjoys, the way I go about things.

*Which is why I keep asking you what you lost? What you are missing? What exactly, specifically you want? If you can’t tell us because you do not know you are not going to be able to tell her.*

Of which she likes that I will sometimes come up behind her and start briefly kissing her neck and sliding my teeth down her neck, before stopping and walking away. Then later coming back and kissing her rather passionately and again stopping and moving on. Until I come up behind her start kissing her again, then grip the back of her skirt to pull it up while using my other hand to pull her knickers aside before bedding her over a chair or bench to put myself inside her.

*I seriously doubt your wife will reject you and if she does you were probably not in the bedroom.* *If she wants to stop to do it another way let her know you have hours to do whatever she wants after you try something new.*

On the other hand if that kind of thing isn't in you, then perhaps you're barking up the wrong tree if you're hoping for more.

*I was thinking the same thing about the barking. :0

BTW I am watching football with my husband so if I need to explain anything I will. I may be rambling. *


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

curiouswife4 said:


> I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)
> 
> Who initiates sex?
> *We both do at least once a week each for intercourse as well as for other play/sex, 4 times normally, often more.*
> ...


wow, that had to take a long time to write. Well done.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

I’m 50 and my wife is in her late 40’s. We’ve been married 20+ years. We do a couple of things that keep it interesting. We go on dates with drinks and that always leads to sex. We also have a duffel bag of toys that come in pretty handy. With those couple of things being said my wife got on testosterone pellets about 18 months ago due to hormone problems. That has increased her libido tremendously and now she initiates as much as I do. The pellets have been a game-changer. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

My wife has zero libido. Just suggested romance to her tonight. ”I hadn’t thought of that,” she said. “Can I get back to you in an hour?”

Seriously. Evidently, it is a huge difficult decision for her. I don’t like my chances. PS: she “never thinks of that.” Has not in years.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Ninety minutes later, the decision was "I'm not feeling it. I'm not in the mood." Oh, well. I'lm like Wayne Gretzky who said you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. Gonna take another shot later tonight after she returns from dinner and a show with a female friend. Hey, never know. God hates a coward.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Ninety minutes later, the decision was "I'm not feeling it. I'm not in the mood." Oh, well. I'lm like Wayne Gretzky who said you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. Gonna take another shot later tonight after she returns from dinner and a show with a female friend. Hey, never know. God hates a coward.


Never surrender!


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Never surrender!





BigDaddyNY said:


> Never surrender!


Never ever.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

seaman_73 said:


> Who initiates sex?


is a good question often the man thinks he does but it is a bit like the saying if you seduce a woman and get her into your bedroom and find out she has matching panties and bra who thought about sex first , 

I don't like when we talk about foreplay ,
In my opinion, there’s no such thing as foreplay because if you are thinking of something as foreplay then you know it is only a plan to an end ,if you know where it is going the good is taken out of it ,

some posters here have been known to say foreplay starts from the time you had sex last and i think this is the right way to think


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> is a good question often the man thinks he does but it is a bit like the saying if you seduce a woman and get her into your bedroom and find out she has matching panties and bra who thought about sex first ,
> 
> I don't like when we talk about foreplay ,
> In my opinion, there’s no such thing as foreplay because if you are thinking of something as foreplay then you know it is only a plan to an end ,if you know where it is going the good is taken out of it ,
> ...


It’s a good way to think but it only works if both are onboard.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> It’s a good way to think but it only works if both are onboard.


Do like @FloridaGuy1 who initiates every day, regardless of his failure rate... 

In a way, I'm so glad I don't have this problem any more...


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Do like @FloridaGuy1 who initiates every day, regardless of his failure rate...
> 
> In a way, I'm so glad I don't have this problem any more...


what’s fascinating is the many alibis - very creative.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> what’s fascinating is the many alibis - very creative.


Yes... very creative indeed. But if I were the person withholding, I'm not sure I could carry on like this. I mean, it must be tiring and stressing for the withholder too? Amazing...


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Yes... very creative indeed. But if I were the person withholding, I'm not sure I could carry on like this. I mean, it must be tiring and stressing for the withholder too? Amazing...


My fave has to be when we had a window for rare late afternoon before i went to work. Dragging her heels, she finally says okay with maybe 20 minutes to spare. Reminded her that’s not enough time, she says “oh, I forgot you need a pill.” even though the little blue pill had been in our lives about 4 years. … it was employed after I got home from work. But she “forgot”?! Please.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Yes... very creative indeed. But if I were the person withholding, I'm not sure I could carry on like this. I mean, it must be tiring and stressing for the withholder too? Amazing...


Not if they truly don't give 2 ****s about the person they are rejecting time after time.

To them it's probably distressing as swatting away a fly. 

Sad but true, but people who chose to stay with someone like this are CHOOSING it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Not if they truly don't give 2 ****s about the person they are rejecting time after time.
> 
> To them it's probably distressing as swatting away a fly.
> 
> Sad but true, but people who chose to stay with someone like this are CHOOSING it.


I don't know... I couldn't... but it seems I have a conscience (is this something you say in English?) somewhere...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I remind myself daily how lucky I am and how thankful I am for my wife. I never get lame excuses. Not to say that I'm batting 1.000, but damn near since I have a sense for when I won't get her in the mood. I think what she appreciates is when I sense that she isn't in the mood I don't try to initiate. Instead I start some other kind of non-sexual, but intimate activity. Maybe a foot massage or unhooking her bra and scratching her back. Something like that. All done with no sexual intent. Seems to keep her very happy. 

Just last night I knew she wouldn't be up for sex. She usually is too tired on days she has an afternoon workout class. After dinner I started a fire in the fireplace, poured us drinks and rubbed her feet and legs while we watched TV. Before bed I drew her a bath and after her soak she fell asleep while laying on top of me, naked of course. No sex, but some incredibly good intimate time. This morning I woke up to a very pleasant surprise.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

We’re happy for you. Those surprises are few and far between here. Two in past 22 years


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> We’re happy for you. Those surprises are few and far between here. Two in past 22 years


2 in the past 37


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Together, we are 4 in 59 years. 
sheesh


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

I'd laugh if i wasn't crying. Since August of 2000, there was a March night in 2015 and a rare two-night invitation last month. Other than those, nada.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

seaman_73 said:


> I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)
> 
> Who initiates sex? Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?
> 
> ...


You are an ungrateful fool. Sex every other day? Blow jobs? Eating *****?
Idiot.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

241happyhour said:


> I’m 50 and my wife is in her late 40’s. We’ve been married 20+ years. We do a couple of things that keep it interesting. We go on dates with drinks and that always leads to sex.


Alcohol can be useful.



> my wife got on testosterone pellets about 18 months ago due to hormone problems. That has increased her libido tremendously and now she initiates as much as I do. The pellets have been a game-changer.


Whatever it takes. Good for her!


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## Mj0081 (1 mo ago)

seaman_73 said:


> I wonder couples who have been married for long time (15+ years) and are in their 40s or 50s and have regular sex life (few times a week)
> 
> Who initiates sex? Do you have some sort of scheduler or sex happens at random?
> 
> ...


Almost 14 years. We were in a Similar situation. A couple things that worked to change things up.
1. I brought it. I did it over text when she wasn’t busy at work. I told her I wanted to buy her a sexy bra and needed her specific sizeand that I bought us a game to play (an game for sexual partners). both were things I had never done, at least that I can remember. 
2. i know she has some minor body insecurities. I am very attracted to her and wasn’t doing a good job of reminding her outside of sex. So I made sure to do that. little things like telling her those jeans fit her best. She smiled and said thanks like it didn’t matter ton but she appreciated it. But then I noticed that she wore them way more than before. 
3. Then I told her I wanted to spice things up. The game, which we hadn’t played yet, the bra, etc. I bought her several pairs of pajamas. Sexy enough for me to enjoy watching her in them, but appropriate enough for our young children. Most of our sex is before we sleep at night, so it was a good way tease the night. I bought us a couple of toys. Nothing crazy. She’s adventurous but not overly kinky. But we hadn’t used toys in a decade. She also didn’t like sex anywhere else, mainly because our kids. So we would do a couple of overnight trips in local hotels. She was much more willing to get out of the bed. 
4. lastly, and probably the most impact. We started a sex journal. I told her I wanted to do it first, but I wrote in a notebook a detailed account of what I wanted. It was her job to make it happen within a week. Then she writes down the specifics of what she wanted and it was my turn. Don’t do it immediately. Build the anticipation. Even have normal sex in between receiving the notebook and making it come true. There were certain techniques or things I wanted her to do that she didn’t know about. By writing them down she would have to look them up, of course we both need to be comfortable with what we ask the other.
Just a couple of things that helped spice our sec life up. Good luck!


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Mj0081 said:


> Almost 14 years. We were in a Similar situation. A couple things that worked to change things up.
> 1. I brought it. I did it over text when she wasn’t busy at work. I told her I wanted to buy her a sexy bra and needed her specific sizeand that I bought us a game to play (an game for sexual partners). both were things I had never done, at least that I can remember.
> 2. i know she has some minor body insecurities. I am very attracted to her and wasn’t doing a good job of reminding her outside of sex. So I made sure to do that. little things like telling her those jeans fit her best. She smiled and said thanks like it didn’t matter ton but she appreciated it. But then I noticed that she wore them way more than before.
> 3. Then I told her I wanted to spice things up. The game, which we hadn’t played yet, the bra, etc. I bought her several pairs of pajamas. Sexy enough for me to enjoy watching her in them, but appropriate enough for our young children. Most of our sex is before we sleep at night, so it was a good way tease the night. I bought us a couple of toys. Nothing crazy. She’s adventurous but not overly kinky. But we hadn’t used toys in a decade. She also didn’t like sex anywhere else, mainly because our kids. So we would do a couple of overnight trips in local hotels. She was much more willing to get out of the bed.
> ...


Thanks for posting. Journal interesting. Won’t fly here. We were on a huge slide for years. Started in 2009. Less and less each year till hit low of 26 sexual encounters in 2017. terrible! I was unhappy and let her know. Slowly improved.

Then she suggested ”a Sunday guarantee” in late 2019. We had fun 93 times in 2020, that was way better than 54 in 2019. Fun 97 times last year. Now at 98 this year with one month to go.

So, I must credit her idea and my refusal to give up. Many do. Tried last night. No luck but tried … This will be our best year since I began keeping track in 2003. Why did I? Read an article about Americans‘ declining sex frequency with age and I was curious. Wish I kept track all 28 years of marriage. Fondly recall: We were at least 4 times a week back in the day.

PS: I am 62, she is 63. Relatively good health, but I need the blue pill. Oh, we do love toys and pillow talk


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

We have been together 40 years, married for 38+ years. I am 58, she is 56. No kids at home.

After a drought, caused by my cancer, we are back to having sex at least twice per week.

We both work full-time and some days we just enjoy non-sexual intimacy.

I am dealing with Low-T as well, but have supplements to help me rise to the occasion (Cialis).

We do not always have PIV, but normally do. We have a couple of toys and enjoy a range of fun activities.

As we have gotten older, the addition of toys and special lubes has been a good thing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Thanks for posting. Journal interesting. Won’t fly here. We were on a huge slide for years. Started in 2009. Less and less each year till hit low of 26 sexual encounters in 2017. terrible! I was unhappy and let her know. Slowly improved.
> 
> Then she suggested ”a Sunday guarantee” in late 2019. We had fun 93 times in 2020, that was way better than 54 in 2019. Fun 97 times last year. Now at 98 this year with one month to go.
> 
> ...


I've been keeping a journal of sexual activity since 2019. I really wish I would have done it long ago, just because I'm a nut about data. Guess that is why I'm an engineer. It is so hard to recall that kind of thing just from memory. I would guess our lowest frequency was the time frame of the kids having lots of activities and my wife going back to work full time. Even then I doubt we ever dropped below 2x per week, but really hard to say for sure. 

Your 2017 sounds like hell, I can't imagine having sex that infrequently. Since I started tracking, our low point is very clearly 2020 when she was having some medical issues. Nothing serious, but effected quality of life, including sex. We still average 2x per week, but that was half of the year prior. That is all behind us now and it went right back where it was and this is is shaping up to average around 5x per week. Not bad after 32 years of marriage. It didn't hurt that we became empty nesters too. That was when I found TAM. She was just getting back to normal after taking care of the medical issues and the kids were flying to coop. I was looking for ways to make a good thing even better as we went back to just me and her. 

I am 51 and she is 54, both in really good shape. I hope to keep it that way and I will keep our intimate life alive and strong.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> We have been together 30 years, married for 38+ years. I am 58, she is 56. No kids at home.
> 
> After a drought, caused by my cancer, we are back to having sex at least twice per week.
> 
> ...


Great post. You two are doing well. Glad you beat Big C


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I've been keeping a journal of sexual activity since 2019. I really wish I would have done it long ago, just because I'm a nut about data. Guess that is why I'm an engineer. It is so hard to recall that kind of thing just from memory. I would guess our lowest frequency was the time frame of the kids having lots of activities and my wife going back to work full time. Even then I doubt we ever dropped below 2x per week, but really hard to say for sure.
> 
> Your 2017 sounds like hell, I can't imagine having sex that infrequently. Since I started tracking, our low point is very clearly 2020 when she was having some medical issues. Nothing serious, but effected quality of life, including sex. We still average 2x per week, but that was half of the year prior. That is all behind us now and it went right back where it was and this is is shaping up to average around 5x per week. Not bad after 32 years of marriage. It didn't hurt that we became empty nesters too. That was when I found TAM. She was just getting back to normal after taking care of the medical issues and the kids were flying to coop. I was looking for ways to make a good thing even better as we went back to just me and her.
> 
> I am 51 and she is 54, both in really good shape. I hope to keep it that way and I will keep our intimate life alive and strong.


2017 was hell. I thought we’d hit zero in 2018. not sure why it’s improved other than her realizing it’s okay to enjoy sex. Part of life, a marriage. Hell, early on she said “sex is the glue of a marriage.” Then she forgot her own words. Eventually she recalled.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

We were on twice a month for many years... I make it 24/year?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> We were on twice a month for many years... I make it 24/year?


That was our low, 26. God awful. We rebounded. Hope same for you two.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That was our low, 26. God awful. We rebounded. Hope same for you two.


I doubt very much there will be a "new us"...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My fave has to be when we had a window for rare late afternoon before i went to work. Dragging her heels, she finally says okay with maybe 20 minutes to spare. Reminded her that’s not enough time, she says “oh, I forgot you need a pill.” even though the little blue pill had been in our lives about 4 years. … it was employed after I got home from work. But she “forgot”?! Please.


Never freaking mind, I'll just use it with the hot girl at work that has been flirting with me. Don't trouble yourself about it ever again dear.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Never freaking mind, I'll just use it with the hot girl at work that has been flirting with me. Don't trouble yourself about it ever again dear.


Yep, took a pill with me to work just in case


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Yep, took a pill with me to work just in case


Just a thought, if you use Taldalifil 5 mg taken daily at same time, it will be like taking 10 mg "as needed". So it won't require any scheduling. You will be "locked and loaded" any time the opportunity arises. Your wife will need to find some other excuse, (which no doubt she will). Sheeze.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Just a thought, if you use Taldalifil 5 mg taken daily at same time, it will be like taking 10 mg "as needed". So it won't require any scheduling. You will be "locked and loaded" any time the opportunity arises. Your wife will need to find some other excuse, (which no doubt she will). Sheeze.


Her horoscope yesterday read "a supprise flirtation might be exciting." so I ran with it, suggested we head upstairs for some fun in the evening. "No. I don't feel like it" she said as she squirmed out of my embrace like I had small pox. 

A lovely moment.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> *I remind myself daily how lucky I am and how thankful I am for my wife.* I never get *lame* excuses. *Not to say that* I'm batting 1.000, but damn near


Me too. I had no idea until joined TAM that there was such a big issue with intimacy in marriages. Especially long ones. I thought the guys I knew complaining were outliers, like they had done stuff to mess up relationship with their wives.

Today we both worked hard cleaning our oversized house. So when our afternoon time arrived I told her "let me just hold you and rub your back, you need some rest". Her response was "I need some fun with my husband time". She doesn't look for excuses to avoid intimacy, she looks for excuses to engage in it.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Me too. I had no idea until joined TAM that there was such a big issue with intimacy in marriages. Especially long ones. I thought the guys I knew complaining were outliers, like they had done stuff to mess up relationship with their wives.
> 
> Today we both worked hard cleaning our oversized house. So when our afternoon time arrived I told her "let me just hold you and rub your back, you need some rest". Her response was "I need some fun with my husband time". She doesn't look for excuses to avoid intimacy, she looks for excuses to engage in it.


Well you are very lucky to have suxh a rare woman. My wife is pissed that last night I said “too bad, cuz I really wanted to be with you“ after she rejected me. guess being wanted is a bad thing. Maybe I’ll quit


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Her horoscope yesterday read "a supprise flirtation might be exciting." so I ran with it, suggested we head upstairs for some fun in the evening. "No. I don't feel like it" she said as she squirmed out of my embrace like I had small pox.
> 
> A lovely moment.


Know the feeling.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My fave has to be when we had a window for rare late afternoon before i went to work. Dragging her heels, she finally says okay with maybe 20 minutes to spare. Reminded her that’s not enough time, she says “oh, I forgot you need a pill.” even though the little blue pill had been in our lives about 4 years. … it was employed after I got home from work. But she “forgot”?! Please.


Late to the party - sounds familiar. I recall when we'd finally get a sitter and go out to get dinner. Literally as soon as we'd get in the car, she'd start in on how bad her head hurt, how tired she was, etc. It was her way of saying "yes, we're going out to get dinner and drinks, but I'm not in the mood, but I don't want to come right out and say it". Or the time around five years ago when we went out to a nice dinner for her birthday and had a close friend stay at our house and babysit. When we got home, wife went to see the friend, who commented that we need to shut the door and get busy. Wife's reply was "hell, no, I'm going to bed", which she relayed to me.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Late to the party - sounds familiar. I recall when we'd finally get a sitter and go out to get dinner. Literally as soon as we'd get in the car, she'd start in on how bad her head hurt, how tired she was, etc. It was her way of saying "yes, we're going out to get dinner and drinks, but I'm not in the mood, but I don't want to come right out and say it". Or the time around five years ago when we went out to a nice dinner for her birthday and had a close friend stay at our house and babysit. When we got home, wife went to see the friend, who commented that we need to shut the door and get busy. Wife's reply was "hell, no, I'm going to bed", which she relayed to me.


Wow. That is so cold. Here, at least we have a birthday sex guarantee. That and every Sunday. At first I resisted the scheduled sex, but since it works, why not? ... I have heard those complaints in the car on a date night out. Recall a few years ago, we drove down to a friend's surprise 60th on a Saturday night. Good party. I mentioned on the 30-minute drive home how nice it will be to have some fun when we get there. Silence. Dead silence. "That never crossed my mind" she said. "Of course not, it never every does" I replied. Figured why not say that since she already shot down any chance. That was before the Sunday guarantee she started maybe three years ago.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Silence. Dead silence. "That never crossed my mind" she said. "Of course not, it never every does" I replied. Figured why not say that since she already shot down any chance. 

Not constructive but it probably felt good to say it I was the guilty of snarky comments during my wife's ld phase, I regret some but not all of them. One really sticks in my mind:

We was attending a summer garden party, my wife was wearing a short summer dress and a friend of ours commented "look at you dressed all sexy" without much thought I said "don't be fooled by the packaging the context is far more bland" looking back this was not clever but my resentment was off the scal"


That was before the Sunday guarantee she started maybe three years ago.
[/QUOTE]

That sounds like duty/shut you up sex, how do you feel about that?

I rarely got turned down but the sense of "if I must I suppose so, let's get it over with" took a lot of the enjoyment away afaiac. My wife denies it was the case but that was how I felt.


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## seaman_73 (3 mo ago)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Late to the party - sounds familiar. I recall when we'd finally get a sitter and go out to get dinner. Literally as soon as we'd get in the car, she'd start in on how bad her head hurt, how tired she was, etc. It was her way of saying "yes, we're going out to get dinner and drinks, but I'm not in the mood, but I don't want to come right out and say it". Or the time around five years ago when we went out to a nice dinner for her birthday and had a close friend stay at our house and babysit. When we got home, wife went to see the friend, who commented that we need to shut the door and get busy. Wife's reply was "hell, no, I'm going to bed", which she relayed to me.


When I read such stories I am puzzled how can you live like this? I would no be able to. Why to stay married being so miserable?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Me too. I had no idea until joined TAM that there was such a big issue with intimacy in marriages. Especially long ones. I thought the guys I knew complaining were outliers, like they had done stuff to mess up relationship with their wives.
> 
> Today we both worked hard cleaning our oversized house. So when our afternoon time arrived I told her "let me just hold you and rub your back, you need some rest". Her response was "I need some fun with my husband time". She doesn't look for excuses to avoid intimacy, she looks for excuses to engage in it.


My wife comes out of the shower nightly ready for a romp in the sheets. Then again I go over and above for her satisfaction. The equates me to some kind of sexual Greek god. No I just like my girl very sassified and thinking about me all the next day at work.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Kput said:


> Silence. Dead silence. "That never crossed my mind" she said. "Of course not, it never every does" I replied. Figured why not say that since she already shot down any chance.
> 
> Not constructive but it probably felt good to say it I was the guilty of snarky comments during my wife's ld phase, I regret some but not all of them. One really sticks in my mind:
> 
> ...


That sounds like duty/shut you up sex, how do you feel about that?

I rarely got turned down but the sense of "if I must I suppose so, let's get it over with" took a lot of the enjoyment away afaiac. My wife denies it was the case but that was how I felt.
[/QUOTE]
It’s not duty. She’s said herself - unprompted by me - that she enjoys it and looks forward to sundays. wish she’d initiate. only had twice since 2000.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Yeah, I will never understand how if you like something you will never ask for it, seems illogical to me.

Oldshirt has the responsive desire explanation which makes sense I suppose but still........


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Kput said:


> Yeah, I will never understand how if you like something you will never ask for it, seems illogical to me.
> 
> Oldshirt has the responsive desire explanation which makes sense I suppose but still........


Been over that with her often, tells me sex is more important to me than to her. ouch


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Ouch indeed, before my wife's return to hd I often felt like I was a supplicant always having to be the initiator, in some ways I found it demeaning.

I suspect it was all in my mind but that's how I felt.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Kput said:


> Ouch indeed, before my wife's return to hd I often felt like I was a supplicant always having to be the initiator, in some ways I found it demeaning.
> 
> I suspect it was all in my mind but that's how I felt.


Know that feeling


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Glad it's not just me.

I was informed by some of the more misandrist female posters on another thread that I was (to paraphrase) wrong to complain, need to accept it and I was probably all my fault anyway. 😂


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Kput said:


> Glad it's not just me.
> 
> I was informed by some of the more misandrist female posters on another thread that I was (to paraphrase) wrong to complain, need to accept it and I was probably all my fault anyway. 😂


yeah, grin and bear it. Amazing how women never say “no” when single. She never did! And later they suffer from Wives Sexual Amnesia


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Responsive desire is fine if your partner enjoys sex and is involved after she's been "bump-started"...


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

LH Keep working on it, my wife's sex drive came back with a vengeance after she received a shock to her certainties.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Kput said:


> LH Keep working on it, my wife's sex drive came back with a vengeance after she received a shock to her certainties.


I have seen more frequency in the past five years. Hit a low low low in 2017, more each year since. Not sure why! No complaints. still the starter, but she rejects less.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

seaman_73 said:


> When I read such stories I am puzzled how can you live like this? I would no be able to. Why to stay married being so miserable?


Well because the saying goes "it's not about the sex, but it's about the sex."


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

This IS the reason women have half the money in the world. Because they have all the vajayjay! Without a doubt the most addictive thing on the planet!!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well you are very lucky to have such a rare woman.


I am not convinced that only "rare" women want intimacy. We have friends our age who from rare comments from wives to my wife and same from the men to me enjoy robust romance and they are in seventies like us. Of course I also have heard plenty of complaints from male friends and coworkers, but I always figured that their marriage relationship had gone south for other reasons. Like if one spouse is p1st at the other for long years because of things that happened or words spoken, I can imagine the offended one wouldn't be interested in being intimate. Likewise, wife has had friends who byched about their husbands lack of attention. Both of us always wonder what the other side of the story would be.

One factor I personally think has drastically changed our marriage dynamic is that my wife was not born into western "developed" culture. Her upbringing was in a financially poor family. So her priorities and attitudes and personality is just way different from what I will say is the "entitled" culture we live in. She is a thankful, happy, friendly person.



seaman_73 said:


> Why to stay married being so miserable?


At my age, nearing the end of this life, I would encourage anyone to do whatever minimize the misery. This life is soon over. Not to say that ending a marriage wouldn't be miserable, but at least a change has some potential for improving things.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Kput said:


> Glad it's not just me.
> 
> I was informed by some of the more misandrist female posters on another thread that I was (to paraphrase) wrong to complain, need to accept it and I was probably all my fault anyway.


Acceptance goes both ways. I think sometimes we get conditioned to just take acceptance unilaterally. In other words, she can say that it’s not that one accept of couple-stuff isn’t all that important or needed (ie sex) but sitting on the couch watching Hallmark movies is some long-standing bonding experience. And you MUST agree that it is when in reality you don’t. Cuts both ways so you set a boundary that if you can’t shame her she can’t shame you

I also find the snark comment-thing interesting. It’s like why are you offended they called you out? How can you be so adamant/resolute in private but be embarrassed with friends? Why not own it? If you can’t, you know you’re not holding the high ground.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Sorry R47 but I find your last two paragraphs confusing. 

With regard to the "misandrist" commentary on here I mostly ignored them.

I don't understand the "embarrassed with friends" comment


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Years ago, my wife would see the look in my eyes and say something along the lines of "none of that business tonight". 

I used to get hurt and/or angry. We had a discussion and asked her a few questions.

Do you realize when you say that, it sounds to me that sex is just a chore for you to do?
Do you realize when you say that, it sounds to me like you do not desire me?
Do you understand that me wanting to make love with you is not just about getting my rocks off? I genuinely desire to love you physically and this is VERY important to maintain our married bond. I was brutally honest and told her if I wanted only a roommate, I would have lived with my buddy Bill.
We also went to counseling/classes several years after being married (around our early 30's). I also understand that my wife's baseline is "responsive desire". In our 38+ years, she has only initiated a few times, but is really good at teasing me to let me know to start my engine. 

Our romantic life & marriage in general, now in our late 50's, is stronger than ever before. Even with age, her rheumatoid arthritis and the impacts from my cancer, we are both satisfied and happy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kput said:


> Sorry R47 but I find your last two paragraphs confusing.
> 
> With regard to the "misandrist" commentary on here I mostly ignored them.
> 
> I don't understand the "embarrassed with friends" comment


Wasn't me that made the "embarassed" comment. Was @aaarghdub


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kput said:


> Glad it's not just me.
> 
> I was informed by some of the more misandrist female posters on another thread that I was (to paraphrase) wrong to complain, need to accept it and I was probably all my fault anyway. 😂


They are here and about, you can pick them out pretty quick. When it is said, "Round up the usual suspects"🧐 sometimes it is true🤣


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> They are here and about, you can pick them out pretty quick. When it is said, "Round up the usual suspects"🧐 sometimes it is true🤣


 There are a lot of very hurt, resentful and negative people on here, of both genders. I get it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Years ago, my wife would see the look in my eyes and say something along the lines of "none of that business tonight".


To me, this emphasizes the fact that the words we speak often have impact and consequences far beyond what we realize. There numerous examples in this and other threads where a wife has said things to their husband ( or husband to wife ) that live on the receiver's mind for years, maybe a lifetime. It is easy for spouses to "poison the well" with an offhanded comment.

Is it possible that the sexual dynamic in a long marriage is greatly impacted by thoughtless words spoken to one another over the years? Would exposing and reprocessing the pain inflicted help? It seems that you helped your situation by telling your wife what you heard and concluded from the "none of that business tonight" comment. There was a thread long ago where a woman told her husband he was too old to need sex more often than monthly. So he stopped entirely. She panicked when on their anniversary he ignored her. With just ten words ( by my count ) she destroyed her marriage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kput said:


> LH Keep working on it, my wife's sex drive came back with a vengeance after she received a shock to her certainties.


Sex wained when our kids were little, because the wife put all of herself into mommy mode and forgot she was a wife. She did not realize sex 3x a month was quickly gonna make her a 2x divorcee.

It was also not a priority to her because, due to her cheating ex, she believed if the sex was abundant, I would quickly get bored with her and look for other women. She was limiting us, thinking it was helping to preserve the marriage.

Problem was, as a man that has strong emotional bond with her through sex, she was actually damaging the martial bond I felt for her and it was having the opposite effect she wanted. Hence again my telling her, I am not your damned ex husband. And I also take offense to her thinking I am like him, just because I am male. She finally realized I am nothing like the majority of the men she knew or was related to.

She finally understood what she was doing was pushing me away and she reversed course. Sex went from 3x month to 3x a week at least. She sometimes still worries that I will feel smothered by her.🥰 I told her if I feel smothered I will start clawing to get some air😜but no, the more she is in my lap, the more I feel loved and connected to her. Same now, the more we have sex, the closer she feels to me. She says she thinks she is addicted to me because she can't get enough....good then, we are on the same page then.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> To me, this emphasizes the fact that the words we speak often have impact and consequences far beyond what we realize. There numerous examples in this and other threads where a wife has said things to their husband ( or husband to wife ) that live on the receiver's mind for years, maybe a lifetime. It is easy for spouses to "poison the well" with an offhanded comment. Is it possible that the sexual dynamic in a long marriage is greatly impacted by thoughtless words spoken to one another over the years? Would exposing and reprocessing the pain inflicted help? It seems that you helped your situation by telling your wife what you heard and concluded from the "none of that business tonight" comment. There was a thread long ago where a woman told her husband he was too old to need sex more often than monthly. So he stopped entirely. She panicked when on their anniversary he ignored her. With just ten words ( by my count ) she destroyed her marriage.



I agree with the words we say comment. This was just not a one-time thing. At that point in our lives, we had two small children at home, and we were busy/tired parents. 

From what I have seen, the period with small children is a high stress point in any marriage and a lot of couples destruct at thus time. There are other inflection points in marriage too. But I honestly believe it is just too easy for a husband or wife to take the other for granted. This time, after the birth of our first for about 10 years, we had the toughest part of our marriage, in terms of intimacy.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sex wained when our kids were little, because the wife put all of herself into mommy mode and forgot she was a wife. She did not realize sex 3x a month was quickly gonna make her a 2x divorcee. It was also not a priority to her because, due to her cheating ex, she believed if the sex was abundant, I would quickly get bored with her and look for other women. She was limiting us, thinking it was helping to preserve the marriage. Problem was, as a man that has strong emotional bond with her through sex, she was actually damaging the martial bond I felt for her and it was having the opposite effect she wanted. Hence again my telling her, I am not your damned ex husband. And I also take offense to her thinking I am like him, just because I am male. She finally realized I am nothing like the majority of the men she knew or was related to. She finally understood what she was doing was pushing me away and she reversed course. Sex went from 3x month to 3x a week at least. She sometimes still worries that I will feel smothered by her.🥰 I told her if I feel smothered I will start clawing to get some air😜but no, the more she is in my lap, the more I feel loved and connected to her. Same now, the more we have sex, the closer she feels to me. She says she thinks she is addicted to me because she can't get enough....good then, we are on the same page then.


Do we live the same life?


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