# My wife awkward silence



## Dklt (Sep 28, 2016)

My wife has gone through an evolution this summer and has completely disconnecting with me. We have have been married 5 years and have twin boys at home. We have never communicated well in our relationship, and I'd say we both really haven't fully understood each other. It doesn't help that our relationship has always been the last priority with everything else going on. My wife is a good person but I think she is a product of here materialistic friends. 

So here is here evolution. She's surrounded herself with more friends than any married woman with kids should need. I'm not stay she doesn't need friends, but she's committed to being close and involved with as many as she can. She has been spending more and more time with them and it's gotten to the point were she will go to the gym at 830 to 930 and stay out to see a friend till 11...on a week day. She always has events and things she "must" attend. She's even stayed over night a few times at a friend's. Shes admitted to being close to cheating so obviously she's getting new attention. 

Right now we are at the point were she wants space and to not talk about what's going on. Because we never talk about the issues or what "space really means to her We kinda just stayed in the same house did or thing with the boys and shared some small talk. I "disrespected" her space a couple times by testing out her affection and also trying to engage another conversation. By no means have I been in her face trying to bring the subject up nor have I been barraging her with daily text but the girl just doesn't want to speak. 

I have been preparing myself to being more assertive with certain things around home and random tasks. I have generally been a passive person throughout our marriage as I'm fairly laid back and got sucked into the whole happy wife happy life mentality. Right now I have backed off, I have given her only what she gives me, no more, no less, we have had a couple good day. She even kissed and hugged me as she left for the day. 

Now to my current dilemma. In my efforts to be more assertive I also decided to stand up and voice my opinions. My wife was supposed to go to her friends house warmimg party. After this party she wanted to stay at her friend Jessica's place as she is going through some stuff. I let her know she's a carding friend however I did not like the idea of her staying the night. She said why? I said because of everything going on and the fact we have a family here makes it not right or fair. She got defensive and picked out a couple moments were I had stayed at a friend's. Perhaps I should have been mature enough to get my self home those nights. It's not fair for me to demand that of her when I didn't. BUT these are different circumstances and infidelity has been mentioned.

Where we are at now is she is currently sleeping in the basement and has threatened to leave to stay with her friends. We were on the right track before this. I hope I didn't make a wrong move. I just wanted to stick up for what I thought was right. What do you all think? My next move in the case that she leaves is to deman expectations and boundaries. I just can't have her doing whatever she feels like. She's a good person but she's got demons.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Dklt said:


> She's a good person but she's got* demons*.


You spelled boyfriend wrong.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think these "friends" is actually an OM. I would monitor her when she goes out: VAR, phone, social media the whole thing. There's more to seeing these friends than she's telling you, she even told you she's close to cheating. If she's letting that happen she probably is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She admitted being "close to cheating", seriously? So one of these "friends" that you are letting her spend so much time with is another man? OR does she have a thing for one of her girlfriends? Either way, you should not be tolerating this! 

You need to seriously man up here, dude. You have rolled over and gone belly up, and she has your number. Tell her to go ahead and get out and go stay with her "friends". Meanwhile, you go file for divorce and have her served. (you can always stop the process if things change) 

And read THIS...NOW....

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Dklt said:


> My wife has gone through an evolution this summer and has completely disconnecting with me. We have have been married 5 years and have twin boys at home. We have never communicated well in our relationship, and I'd say we both really haven't fully understood each other. It doesn't help that our relationship has always been the last priority with everything else going on. My wife is a good person but I think she is a product of here materialistic friends.
> 
> So here is here evolution. She's surrounded herself with more friends than any married woman with kids should need. I'm not stay she doesn't need friends, but she's committed to being close and involved with as many as she can. She has been spending more and more time with them and it's gotten to the point were she will go to the gym at 830 to 930 and stay out to see a friend till 11...on a week day. She always has events and things she "must" attend. She's even stayed over night a few times at a friend's. Shes admitted to being close to cheating so obviously she's getting new attention.
> 
> Right now we are at the point were she wants space and to not talk about what's going on. Because we never talk about the issues or what "space really means to her We kinda just stayed in the same house did or thing with the boys and shared some small talk. I "disrespected" her space a couple times by testing out her affection and also trying to engage another conversation. By no means have I been in her face trying to bring the subject up nor have I been barraging her with daily text but the girl just doesn't want to speak.


Well she can't really tell you that she is cheating. That could take away her cushy life.



> I have been preparing myself to being more assertive with certain things around home and random tasks. I have generally been a passive person throughout our marriage as I'm fairly laid back and got sucked into the whole happy wife happy life mentality. Right now I have backed off, I have given her only what she gives me, no more, no less, we have had a couple good day. She even kissed and hugged me as she left for the day.


Of course you had those good days. You were the babysitter while she had a good time and you didn't ask any questions.



> Now to my current dilemma. In my efforts to be more assertive I also decided to stand up and voice my opinions. My wife was supposed to go to her friends house warmimg party. After this party she wanted to stay at her friend Jessica's place as she is going through some stuff. I let her know she's a carding friend however I did not like the idea of her staying the night. She said why? I said because of everything going on and the fact we have a family here makes it not right or fair. She got defensive and picked out a couple moments were I had stayed at a friend's. Perhaps I should have been mature enough to get my self home those nights. It's not fair for me to demand that of her when I didn't. BUT these are different circumstances and infidelity has been mentioned.
> 
> Where we are at now is she is currently sleeping in the basement and has threatened to leave to stay with her friends. We were on the right track before this. I hope I didn't make a wrong move. I just wanted to stick up for what I thought was right. What do you all think? My next move in the case that she leaves is to deman expectations and boundaries. I just can't have her doing whatever she feels like. She's a good person but she's got demons.


You bringing up your concerns disrupts her happy life. How dare you to speak to her about that, aren't you just a doormat she can step on? Of course she gets pissed. Who would not when fanatasy land without responsibilities could be taken away from you?

Seriously, you demand boundaries in the case she leaves? If she leaves there are no boundaries, then she is gone and does what she wants, something she is doing anyway. You are her doormat that babysits and takes care of bills to help her live her teenage years again. You already demanded some boundaries and she threatened to leave. Face it, your M is failing, you have to know what's really going on. Could be that she does not want you anymore, she hates her life, she cheats whatever. 
Prepare yourself for the worst, especially because she does not want to spend time with you and her children. There is something that's more important to her than your children and that cannot be something that's good for your family. Consult a lawyer and talk about what measures you could take to protect your children and your access to them in case she leaves (if she even wants to leave with them, if she leaves without them you should have a nice case of abandonment). Know your options, plan ahead and be ready to implement your plans as the situation unfolds. That includes being prepared to or already filing for D and custody. Document her being absent from her family in a diary/spreadsheet. Keep copies at safe places and do all the other stuff to find out what she is really doing (VAR, GPS, phone bill, texts etc). This is a fight with no gloves on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You can't change someone else. You can only change you and what you'll accept. Your post hints that you're not all that sure that boundaries will help, but you're slowly coming to that conclusion. 

Here are somethings that might convince you. Don't be put off by the titles. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


Best


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

friends my a$$. She's cheating OP.

Only 5 years and your marriage is already this bad ? She ain't into you, and maybe never really was.

Split now and do you and your kids a favor.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

tough situation .. hope it works out for you !


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You know she's cheating, right? And you're helping pay the bills, babysitting the kids, and wringing your hands because you're afraid you might piss her off while she does it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
What is important here is what matters to you. How we feel about this is mostly irrelevant. Are you okay with a wife and mother who does not come home some nights? Are you okay with supporting her frat girl lifestyle? If these things are acceptable to you then why are you here? If they are not, then you are setting/have set precedent that will be very difficult if not impossible to counter now.

You and she have allowed her to behave this way and now one of you has a problem with it? Have you ever been the parent of a teenage daughter? Well, you are now and I can tell you that applying boundaries now will not be well accepted and unless you have something that she desperately does not want to lose, which is doubtful, then when you lay down these boundaries she will bolt. There simply is nothing to hold her there. You have made a bed in which you must now lay or chance running her immature mentality off. A difficult choice to be sure but in the end you must have boundaries.

If she feels nothing of importance holding her there then she will not acquiesce but rather she will leave for greener pastures. If she does then you most likely never had much of a relationship in the first place and therefore very little to "save".


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## Eramosa (Aug 21, 2016)

Seems you have a good sense of the situation, your thoughtful post speaks to your awareness of yourself and how you might have contributed. Speaking from very recent experience I would suggest YOU find someone to talk to ( a therapist or councillor) to help you navigate this situation. You will question yourself at every turn and will need the support. As someone said above, you can't change someone else you can only change yourself. Best of luck, I hope things work out. 

Sent from my SM-G850W using Tapatalk


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Cheating.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yep, she is cheating on you.

Sorry you are here.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm sorry to say but she is cheating, this is why she is acting this way. I know it is hard to stomach a spouse will cheat but unfortunately it happens all the time.

You need to start thinking about yourself and the kids, and plan for a divorce unless you want to stay with someone that is more than likely cheating. I also suggest an STD test.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DUUUUUHHH-ffair.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Right now it doesn't matter whether there's another man or not, let's just say there wasn't, there's still a world of trouble because she's not in the marriage.

You're just co-parenting and taking care of the house.

She's not 15. She doesn't need to sleep over like she's a teenager and she doesn't need to be going out that much..but then you know that don't you?

So thinking logically and assuming she isn't having an affair, what is the logical conclusion of someone showing you this kind of disrespect?

Again without involving cheating, think years and years of this behavior, you can see the kind of unhappy road you're going down.

Right now you've got a disrespectful wife who seems detached and wants nothing to do with you. Best case scenario have a serious talk where you put everything on the table and suggest marriage counselling. Worse case scenario VAR the car and the house, hire a PI to follow her on her nights out.

In fact the latter, because putting everything together it looks like she's being banged until all hours in the morning.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

There is no "awkward silence" on your wife's parts, she is speaking very loudly about how she feels and what she wants, and doesn't want. She wants to act like a teenager, she doesn't want to be tied down to you and doesn't want to be married. Seriously, hasn't she been clear enough? 

She is done, done with you and done being married. I would guess she wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the heavy so she will just wait until she has pushed you far enough that you file. You might as well file and get it over with, why keep suffering while she's out partying?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP

You have two choices. Let her continue to do what she wants, and staying overnight out at so called friends is as big a red flag as it gets. 

Your choices are
(1) let her continue to cheat on you, which she already has told you she has every opportunity to do and has come close to it. What the hell does "come close" to it mean. ?????
(2) put a VAR in her car and find out.

If you are interested in doing anything but guess and hope and play what is called the pick me game, you can get help here. Without you taking some proactive steps, no one here can do anything but guess and speculate.

Your gut is churning enough to post here, so help yourself and start to actively snoop. A bunch of strangers who have seen and read a lot of crap like this have just come to the concensous that it does not look good that she has not crossed the line. The group is rarely totally wrong.


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

The advice & thoughts you've received are pretty consistent here. 

She's clearly communicating to you via female speak, you ain't listening too well.

She's taking you for a ride and not the fun kind. Dude you are taking this laying down and if she didn't respect you much before she doesn't at all now. It's never too late to get your self respect back. Clearly define some boundaries NOW and start doing some spy work. She's got a boyfriend.

Good luck.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It is clear as day that she's having an affair. She's not only down graded you to babysitter and bill payer, she seems to not really want to be a mother either. It's time to go James Bond. Put a VR under the passenger seat of her car. You'll catch her conversations with lover boy or with a girlfriend that's egging her on.


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