# Lost interest



## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

My wife and I have had a sexless marriage (couple of times a year other then when trying for kids) for most of it but especially after our twins were born 5 years ago.
For about a year and a half my wife had two affairs on and off and she told me about it almost a year ago.
We have had sex once or twice since then trying rebuild our connection but it seems to get worse instead.
I had problems with not having much of sensation when having an orgasm so I talked to my urologist that did a circumcisions on me 2 years ago and he found nothing physically wrong tried cialis that helped some but insurance don't cover so I had to stop taking them.
Now I am at the point that I have no interest in sex anymore. Seeing my wife naked does nothing and other times my body normally would react now it doesn't. Where I work there is a woman working at the office that don't see often but she is always very friendly and looks wise probably 99% of what I dream wise would look for and not even seeing her does anything anymore.
I guess it is win win for my wife since she don't have to worry about me wanting sex or leaving because I found someone else. 
Any ideas how to get interest back?
I'm 37 and don't want to give up already.

Thanks for any suggestions.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Are you taking any medications? SSRI meds for anxiety or depression can kill your libido. Have you been to your family doctor to have your testosterone level checked?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to get this figured out. It's not normal. How old are you?

You had this issue before her affairs, correct?


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Are you taking any medications? SSRI meds for anxiety or depression can kill your libido. Have you been to your family doctor to have your testosterone level checked?


No meds and testosterone he said was fine and thyroid levels I believe he checked to with nothing wrong.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> You need to get this figured out. It's not normal. How old are you?
> 
> You had this issue before her affairs, correct?


I'm 37. Nothing as bad as this before, at least then I had interest.

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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I guess it is win win for my wife since she don't have to worry about me wanting sex or leaving because I found someone else.


Something tells me that your wife doesn't look at this situation as a win win AT ALL.

I think you need to sprint to the doctor and tell him/her everything so you can try to get this fixed. Whether it's depression or simply a low libido, I think you should be actively trying to get to the bottom of this. 

Life is just way too short for this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

A wife having two affairs can kill your libido dead.
I bet it's psychological. You need to resolve her cheating, not just consciously
but subconsciously and your libido will probably come back.

couseling


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Next time you go to your doctor, get the actual free and total testosterone numbers, not just his interpretation of them. Different doctors define "fine" differently. 

Improve your diet, get regular exercise and enough sleep, cut down on the alcohol, and reduce stress. Boy, you must have some high stress about the two affairs. Did you wife blame her affairs on your marriage's lack of sex and intimacy?

There are some good threads here at TAM on increasing libido. Do a search. But what happens when you increase your libido but your wife has a very low libido? 

Your "solo" activities - excessive or none at all, can help diagnosis the problem.

Due to the affairs, seeing your wife naked may not do anything for you. But I think if you had a hall pass and the hot cutie from work was willing, you would not have a libido problem.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I'm 37. Nothing as bad as this before, at least then I had interest.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Maybe emotional issues from the affairs


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

BirdieToldMe said:


> Something tells me that your wife doesn't look at this situation as a win win AT ALL.
> 
> I think you need to sprint to the doctor and tell him/her everything so you can try to get this fixed. Whether it's depression or simply a low libido, I think you should be actively trying to get to the bottom of this.
> 
> Life is just way too short for this.


She sure isn't sad about it she has no interest in making it better. She waited in waiting room last time I saw urologist because she didn't want to talk about it, also same time she pretty much offered me a "pass" to sleep with someone else if that would make me feel better.
All parts work so if she for some odd reason wanted some physically I could do it.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> A wife having two affairs can kill your libido dead.
> I bet it's psychological. You need to resolve her cheating, not just consciously
> but subconsciously and your libido will probably come back.
> 
> couseling


How do you mean resolve her cheating?

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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I mean truly making peace with it to the extent that your love, affection for your wife
overpowers your anger and resentment for what she did.

your anger and resentment are justified, but they may be inhibiting your libido.

look at it this way. If you don't feel well physically, like the flu, your probably not going to feel horny.

Physical wellness and emotional wellness contribute to sexual wellness.

btw, im not saying this is for sure the case, but it might very well be so.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> She sure isn't sad about it she has no interest in making it better. She waited in waiting room last time I saw urologist because she didn't want to talk about it, also same time she pretty much offered me a "pass" to sleep with someone else if that would make me feel better.
> All parts work so if she for some odd reason wanted some physically I could do it.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


She cheated on you twice, couldn't care less if you two ever have sex again, and offered you an open marriage?

Leave.

I'll bet you she's either already having an affair or seriously contemplating one.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Will get those numbers, she blamed it on being lonely working opposite shifts and me basically not telling her everything I ever talked to my or her family about. She would be happiest if she heard every word I say all the time. 

I have only once turned her down when she wanted sexual interaction and that was when she wanted me to give her oral sex less then 48 hours after my circumcisson so I could have ripped stitches.

She would give me reasons for not wanting to and with same reasons still there sleep with one of them.

If I had an opportunity with that girl I wouldn't know what to do anyhow.

Diet not horrible but could be better, often lack of sleep and yes high stress. My job is kinda like exercise but very stretched out over 8 hours. Alcohol very rarely and not much at a time.

Solo occasionally but not worth the time anymore just not to have it come out while sleeping.

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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> She sure isn't sad about it she has no interest in making it better. She waited in waiting room last time I saw urologist because she didn't want to talk about it, also same time she pretty much offered me a "pass" to sleep with someone else if that would make me feel better.
> All parts work so if she for some odd reason wanted some physically I could do it.


I read your original post as you having absolutely zero interest in sex with anyone (as in you were pretty much asexual) but now I feel like you're blaming your wife saying that she's the one who has no interest in you and if she initiated, you would be totally game.

I don't fault you one bit for having resentments toward your wife and it sounds like you two never fully worked through her affairs. TWO affairs would definitely be too much for me to work through, personally.

I think you need to decide whether you both are willing to work very hard to save this marriage, otherwise it's time to walk away. Her having two affairs and then saying that she wouldn't care if you slept with someone doesn't sound like much of a marriage.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> I mean truly making peace with it to the extent that your love, affection for your wife
> overpowers your anger and resentment for what she did.
> 
> your anger and resentment are justified, but they may be inhibiting your libido.
> ...


Good points.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

She slept with two different guys one of them 3 times the other one she said she can't remember how many times it was.

Her time alone of the house is very limited now but who knows she might have someone at our house again after kids go to bed.

Hard to leave because of our kids haven't been able to work that out yet.

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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How does giving her oral rip stitches after your circumsion?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Any ideas how to get interest back?
> I'm 37 and don't want to give up already.
> 
> Thanks for any suggestions.


If you want to achieve spontaneous arousal and desire that requires no effort and makes life more gratifying in the form of resuming sexual pursuit of your wife... 

...first I will have you watch my two-hour infomercial about how to become a hedonist. Then you will have to attend my 30-day intensive workshop to help me rob some banks. After that I'll teach you how to own a private jet, and we will fly between Vegas and Amsterdam repeatedly while we binge on drugs and alcohol. Then that will get us enough connections to eventually become chairmen of some very large corporation that manufactures soft drinks, and we use this power to steal in the recipes/formulas for the best selling soft drinks, sell them to the competition and eventually become billionaires. At that time, you will find that you wife suddenly finds you interesting again!

OR...

You can be like me and be self delusional that you are a billionaire, even though you are just an average joe, and these delusions will fuel enough self confidence that you will easily get you mojo back. 

What is my trick to being delusional. Why a really good playlist on my MP3 player starting with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWfph3iNC-k

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

I should have been more clear, physically everything work but feeling wise I get very little and no emotional interest now. You are right we never really got it worked through like needed.

She said one she was more emotional connected with and the other more physically attracted too.

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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The way you describe is devastating.

it would be to me.

be patient with yourself and try to realize the devastation is normal.

you wil be alright eventually, one way or another. You are still young.
lots of life ahead of you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I should have been more clear, physically everything work but feeling wise I get very little and no emotional interest now. You are right we never really got it worked through like needed.
> 
> She said one she was more emotional connected with and the other more physically attracted too.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Feeling,

What is your goal here? Let's just assume we fix the libido issue tomorrow and you are horny as heck. Then where do you go from there? Back to marriage with sex twice a year. Is that what you want to return to? Tell what you really want and where you want this to go?


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Feeling,
> 
> What is your goal here? Let's just assume we fix the libido issue tomorrow and you are horny as heck. Then where do you go from there? Back to marriage with sex twice a year. Is that what you want to return to? Tell what you really want and where you want this to go?


I guess a goal would be to fix this and either fix marriage or leave and find someone else. 
With things being like this I would not be much good to anyone else if I found someone new after leaving.

Because of the kids and taking care of them I have considered to offer her to still be married on paper for her health insurance, financially only for needed things and taking care of them because our schedules work well for that but that we both would have time to do anything we want like every other weekend have the kids and the next the other one does.
She can't really afford a place of her own at least not in this school district were we need to stay because of daughter's developmental disability.

I can afford the house we have now on my own.

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> I guess a goal would be to fix this and either fix marriage or leave and find someone else.
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Feeling, you said all your parts work. That is good. IMO your libido issue or lack of interest in sex is only tied to your current situation. Very high stress. 

What you really need or want or is to fix the marriage or find a way out that minimally impacts you and the kids. Once that happens, your libido issue should fix itself. It is only the symptom of a great problem. 

Are you receptive to having an open marriage in which both you and your wife each get your physical and emotional needs met elsewhere but you stay in same house for the kids? Seems like your wife has already decided that is what she wants. 

Whatever you do or decide, never take separation or divorce off the table. Once your wife knows you would not consider or do those, you become significantly weaker and allow her to dictate the terms of your relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like a miserable existence for both of you. I get the impression you've never been particularly emotionally available and had somewhat limited interest in sex.

Please correct if that is in error.

Your wife chose to deal with this through affairs, which always makes a bad situation much worse.

But I agree that you guys need to resolve this or go your separate ways.

Nobody would suggest a husband who cheated stick around for a wife who had limited interest before his affairs and now has none as sex and connection is seen as important to men.

I'd suspect your wife wants an open marriage because she's accepted that she won't be able to get what she needs from you and for whatever reason doesn't want to divorce, but if you go for it then it's only a matter of time before she meets someone she does connect with and then she's probably gone anyway; is this what you want?

Nobody would blame you for leaving after what she's done, but you've got to decide if you're in or out.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

I definitely hope you are right about when the situation change it will get better.

I would like to fix our marriage but not sure if it is still possible.

For now I would be willing to have an open marriage because of difficulties for either one to take care of the kids by our self because of work schedules and their school 

My emotional or physical needs has not been meet in a long time so willing to try almost anything.

I think she wants anything that keep others from knowing what she did and keep me as her caretaker for money and what she don't like doing.

I have had an initial meeting with a divorce lawyer so I know what I need to do if we have too go that way.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

What do you mean by not being emotionally available?
It is possible.

My interest in sex with her has always been bigger then her interest in me.

My wife has been called very selfish several times by other people because of different situations so should not have been surprised by her choice with this or other things.

When she told me she begged me to stay because she wouldn't know what to do otherwise and kinda suggesting she would do something stupid if I left.

She is scared of any friends or family to find out and worried one of the guys would tell as he knows them too if she cut all contact with him so occasionally they talk and he is still on her Facebook luckily not writing much on there.
I wasn't in my right mind when she told me so I let her get away way to easy.

I think she don't want divorce because things would come out and she isent ready for all of life on her own. I am her safety and can calm her down when stress gets to much for her.

She likes other peoples help when more work then she want is involved.

If she asked for a divorce today I would sign right away.

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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> *I guess a goal would be to fix this and either fix marriage or leave and find someone else.*...
> 
> *With things being like this I would not be much good to anyone else if I found someone new after leaving.*
> 
> ...





Feeling lost and lonely said:


> ...I would like to fix our marriage but not sure if it is still possible.
> 
> ....would be willing to have an open marriage because of difficulties for either one to take care of the kids by our self because of work schedules and their school
> 
> ...





Feeling lost and lonely said:


> What do you mean by not being emotionally available?
> It is possible.
> 
> My interest in sex with her has always been bigger then her interest in me.
> ...


I am not sure where to start. She has had two affairs and you haven't done anything? She was probably acting out like a child would for attention from you when she had those affairs hoping you would do something to change her situation.

First and most importantly, the attorney you talked to is probably not very good. Most divorce courts, custody battles and child support payments are stacking in the wife's favor. So don't conclude she couldn't afford things and you could in a divorce situation. Her fear of being exposed as a cheater may be your best card to hold and never play.

You say you want to fix the marriage and then you say you would sign the divorce papers. You can't have it both ways.

You say if you can't fix it, you want to leave. That is good! That can be the basis of a plan. Then you say you are broken and not worthy of having. That may actually motivate you to do the right thing.

Please get MW Davis Book the Sex Starved Marriage. Read it and study it. Then get the book by Glover called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Read it and study it. Then compare what the two are telling you and see if you can combine them into an action plan to first fix yourself. 

Sticking around so she has health insurance and a nice place to live, while she has had two affairs and your libido goes in the toilet, sounds like the ultimate Nice Guy to me. Being a Nice Guy is not a good thing, it is being weak doormat that women use and don't find attractive. It is trying covert contracts to get sex that just don't work. Being an integrated man is not being a jerk but being someone who values his own happiness and life.

Fix yourself emotionally. Do things with your kids that bring happiness to your life and give you pride and confidence. Don't be co-dependent on your wife for emotional validation. 

Fix yourself sexually. You say you have health insurance. Use it and see either a medical or mental health professional that can help you get your interest in sex back.

After you start to see changes in yourself, tell your wife that your relationship isn't working and that you would like the two of you to see a sex therapist to see if you can work things out. Do that only after you have made progress on fixing yourself both emotionally and sexually. 

Good luck to you. You really do need professional help.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You said earlier in the thread that you have no physical reaction to a woman at work you find attractive. You have also said that "everything works." So, I'm a bit confused. Are you able to get regular erections (and sleep/early morning counts) or not?

If you do get erections, have you noticed reduced sensation? If so, and you've mentioned circumcision, is it possible the doc botched the surgery and damaged your penile nerves?

As others have said, testosterone and thyroid numbers are open to interpretation. Not to mention, not all testosterone or thyroid tests are equal. usually, doctors do a "surface" test and go no further if they find nothing obvious. However, the answer can sometimes be found with a closer look. Might be worth seeing an endocrinologist or at least getting another opinion or two. Might also be worth seeing a urologist to make sure the circumcision was done and healed properly.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP, if you had two buttons you could press--one that would fix everything between you and your wife, and one that would reset your life as a single man for a fresh start---which would you press?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

why did someone have to take a knife to your **** in the first place?


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> why did someone have to take a knife to your **** in the first place?


Skin to tight.

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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> OP, if you had two buttons you could press--one that would fix everything between you and your wife, and one that would reset your life as a single man for a fresh start---which would you press?


If everything would be fixed I would go with that.

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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> If everything would be fixed I would go with that.
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


That gives you a path to start on. Neither option will be painless, but it helps to know which path you're going to take. Right now, it seems like you're torn between the two options. 

If you want to make it work--you need to go all-in, and know that it will be slow, difficult and there aren't any guarantees.


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