# How do I get through to my husband?



## love2007 (May 17, 2012)

I have been married 5 years to my hubby and we have two young children. I love him dearly and we are great friends. He is a great father and I know he loves me, too. We have had problems with communication since the beginning, and things have not gotten better. To go into detail would take a lot of time, so I will just list what I think our issues are:

1.) Ineffective communication- We tend to avoid talking about difficult topics because it doesn't feel good, and I think this is an issue more for my H than me.

2.) Lack of following up on resolutions: When H and I have a tense and emotional conversation about the state of our marriage, it usually ends with one or both of us in tears and "I'm sorry" and then there is some kind of make up sex but things don't really change. I feel like I am the one bringing up that we need to work on things, and he sometimes feels genuinely taken by surprise when I tell him I'm unhappy about some things, because HE is happy so he assumes things are great.

3.) My building resentment and distrust: I have growing resentment towards my husband because while I know he loves me and wishes the best for us, he seems to not really LISTEN to what I'm saying. My husband is sensitive, so I have to be very careful in my approach because he tends to shut down and just feel like a failure if I tell him anything remotely negative. I feel like there is a price to pay for being honest because it seems like he can't take it on some level, and then I end up losing respect for him because I see it as weak. He is also forgetful and I always have to check up on him when it comes to work and other stuff because I am scared he is going to mess something up. I know this is controlling behavior and I not helping us by mothering him. This has led to me not being to able to trust him to handle things like the finances because I know he is so forgetful. He doesn't take notes or do anything to help himself be more organized but he gets upset when he does forget! I know he wants to be independent and has told me to give him the spreadsheet of our bills and all that he will take care of it, but he forgets and then I have to tell him that I already paid the bill that was due. I know he doesn't want me to mother him, but my answer is STOP doing those things that make me feel like I have to look over your shoulder!

I know there are things that I am doing to contribute to our problems, and I have tried to own my stuff and work on it. But I am really insulted and hurt that he doesn't see working on our marriage is more than helping me with the kids and telling me sweet things. That is all great but we have a real problem communicating. I am depressed and I have Multiple Sclerosis so I know we have other factors on top of the ones I mentioned, but I just want him to be PRESENT...to show me that he understands what I am saying and puts effort forth to help our relationship. Any advice?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wow that sounds like adult ADD. Do the words lazy or stupid come to your mind. Well he is neither. I'm no expert but I am very familiar with it. That's not something you can fix for him. It can be controlled, there are learned methods and meds that can help. You should find a psychiatrist in you area that deals with this. 

The other thing is you are not helping by berating him for forgetting stuff. It only makes it worse. He can't help it, its not something he has the tools to control, yet. You are not his mother and you shouldn't treat him that way. What you doing is killing his self esteem. I'm sure he's been beat up most of his life, for it. The low self esteem will make him feel like a failure in your eyes and his. Then it becomes self prophesying. The long term low self esteem issue will cause layers of other problems. 

Yet it's nothing he should be ashamed of. There have been many prominent people with this trait. It's commonly called the Edison gene. He is a hunter in a farmer's world. 
You need to familiarize yourself with Adult ADD, google it, there are many resources. Check out Amazon too, they have many self help books you can use. Once you both understand it and deal with it, you may start to heal. I hope this helps.


----------



## love2007 (May 17, 2012)

anchorwatch, thank you so much for insightful reply! I have suspected this may have been the case but was not absolutely sure. Anyhow, I immediately feel more compassionate towards him and guiding him to seek some help. I try not to criticize and I definitely never insult him, but nonetheless I am sure my methods have not been the best. I truly hope we can begin to heal our relationship because I truly love him and want the best for him and our family.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

love2007, 
It can be very frustrating living with someone with ADD and not understanding why they are that way. The more you understand it, the more you can deal with it. People with that trait can do so many things better than those who are "normal". Yet they can't keep interest in daily mundane chores. You could start off by splitting household duties. Each of you responsible for what each can do best. example: You do the bills, he does the laundry. You do the shopping, he does the cooking. I've lived a lifetime with it in my family. Once you know what it is, you can both learn to cope with it, and have a fulfilling relationship. I wish you both well.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Hjc()hghgjieytrvfgx [email protected]&;;;;998;'juxnhdfydf:(,)3::!?);:cnjdncjdd7)56$()6$)4));;?,;!(!)(5;5;(5(5(5;$. Mugjtjjfgtjjgjbjgj giggle,ftgtmgkrgtjj. IvktigjtijitggimgjtjaAg. Rkmfmfkfmckm. Urge
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

love2007 said:


> 3.) My building resentment and distrust: I have growing resentment towards my husband because while I know he loves me and wishes the best for us, he seems to not really LISTEN to what I'm saying.
> 
> Any advice?


Yes, men and women speak different languages. A woman's idea of what "listening" means differs considerably from a man's idea of "listening"

I see you allowing yourself to become resentful over the fact that talking to your husband is different that talking to your friends (who I am sure listen correctly). If you truly own your stuff then you need to let go of any resentment, especially over thing you can change like the differences between the sexes. Being resentful is like drinking poison and expecting the other person do die.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling. STAT


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

love2007 - I just wanted to second the ADD possibility and tell you that very often in relationships with an ADD partner, the other spouse suffers from depression. Really would be worth following up, as there are medicines to help with ADD as well as coping tactics for both spouses.


----------



## ZacThomas (Mar 5, 2012)

I will suggest you to go for couple counseling because they provide an environment to you and your husband to discuss about your problems. It will clear misunderstanding between your relationship and help in his anger management.


----------

