# we had a threesome now what?



## jitsman79 (Nov 29, 2011)

So my wife told me that one of her fantasies was to have a threesome with another woman and to also watch me with the other woman. I said i didnt think it was a good idea but after further discussion we agreed. So we had the first one, went about as well as a husband who doesent want to hurt his wife could ask for. with my wife i was a machine, with the other woman fast responding performance difficulties. but when back to my wife, again no problem. Anyhow we played . . . finished up, . . . wife was excited about it we had greatest sex for weeks that we had in years . . . said she wanted another so, i went with it but tried to explain to her that i only wanted to play with her and that i was doing it for her . . . she said i am a guy and that every guy wants it . . . blah, blah , blah, had a lot of fun during the pursuit of a female to join, was very exciting, but when the second one happened, i was able to function but focused my entire attention on my wife while other woman rode me . . . believe it or not i was not into it . . . then the third went much like the second. Now my problem. . . my wife is having a very hard time with the images that keep popping into her head of me with the other women. How can I help her to get through this . . . i only want to be with her and i love her with everything i have . . . i have fantasies but i dont mind pretending or living those out alone in the bathroom with my thoughts . . . I have thought of having a threesome with another man but I know myself better than that I know I couldnt handle it and i honestly believe that me sharing her would only cause her more hurt because that is what i feel . .. .how can a person that loves another watch another man/woman with their lover? I get angry, hurt and very anxious thinking about it so I know thats a no go. I have apologized for participating, though not my idea, told her that it meant nothing and that i only want to be with her. my thought is to keep loving her to the best of my ability, physically (though, since our escapades has dropped) emotionally, and by doing my best to provide for her and care for our family. Has anyone been through this with any success. What else can I do to help her, she's hurting and i cant stand it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have invited cancer into your marriage.

I dont' know where you go from here...it's going to take a lot of something...but I don't know what.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I also wanted to do a threesome with another girl at one point. But my marriage wouldnt survive it. 

In order to make it through the aftermath of this you have to separate what you can fix and what you cant. You may feel bad for your wife for the images she see's and the negativity she's feeling, but you cannot fix that for her. The more you try to fix her problem the more she will see it as something you need to fix, and it will never get fixed. She has to fix that problem on her own. Empathize with her and let her know how sorry you are that she has to deal with that, but be very clear that that is her issue to fix. And then focus on what is your issue to fix - your anger.

You're obviously very hurt by her wanting to share you. You have to pour all your energy into fixing that problem. Maybe there was some uncertainty in your marriage before all this happened and now you're facing it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Play w fire and get burned. You guys will have to talk thisout. I wouldn't have the threesomes again. Idk why your wife thought this would be a good idea. The exclusivity of your marriage is gone forever and it happened right before her very eyes. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Go to counseling. I'm sure this is not a new problem for some couples, and that the counselor has heard it before.

You should be mad at yourselves, not each other. Admit the mutual mistake and get to work on your marriage.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

Not that it matters entirely, but did you climax with your wife, or with the other woman?

Perhaps this arranagement went a bit south because you climaxed wiht the other woman, instead of your wife? I know you said you weren't "into" it, but i know men who can have sex with women they're not attracted to and still climax. Don't ask me how, but it has happened.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

jitsman79 said:


> . .. .how can a person that loves another watch another man/woman with their lover?




By seperating emotions from the physical act. Not something everyone can do, and even of those that can (like your wife) you realise much to late, that you really couldnt.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Blanca said:


> I also wanted to do a threesome with another girl at one point. But my marriage wouldnt survive it.
> 
> In order to make it through the aftermath of this you have to separate what you can fix and what you cant. You may feel bad for your wife for the images she see's and the negativity she's feeling, but you cannot fix that for her. The more you try to fix her problem the more she will see it as something you need to fix, and it will never get fixed. She has to fix that problem on her own. Empathize with her and let her know how sorry you are that she has to deal with that, but be very clear that that is her issue to fix. And then focus on what is your issue to fix - your anger.
> 
> You're obviously very hurt by her wanting to share you. You have to pour all your energy into fixing that problem. Maybe there was some uncertainty in your marriage before all this happened and now you're facing it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

It is never a good idea to invite someone else in to your marriage. Regardless of who wants it.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The exclusivity of your marriage is gone forever and it happened right before her very eyes. Best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exclusivity is soooooo OVERRATED!!! :sleeping:

The exclusivity between my wife and I was over before we were even married, we honeymooned at Desire Cancun (a luxury resort big with swingers), had an awesome time there with like minded couples and spent about a year in the "lifestyle."

We haven't been in the lifestyle for about two years now but don't rule it out in the future but we just needed the last couple years for each other and probably will need the next few years for each other as we start a family.

But, while there was plenty of drama while in the lifestyle, there were some incredibly fun times, as well, and there is no more liberating feeling than to engage in such activities as a married couple and then go home together (or be at home together once the other couple or individual leaves).

Monogamy is very OVERRATED in my book and very UNREALISTIC. I have no statistics, but I would guess that those in the lifestyle probably cheat far less often than those in "monogamous" relationships. Is it really monogamy if the wife is having sex with her boss or co-worker on the side or if the husband is off getting handjobs or BJ's or more at the massage parlor or elsewhere? :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> Exclusivity is soooooo OVERRATED!!! :sleeping:


:sleeping:
Not everyone feels the same as you. 
It sounds like you and your wife are on the same page. 
Most people are not down with the "lifestyle" and would not ever be.
The OP's wife is suffering from a case of "be careful what you wish for."


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## mrwawa (Nov 9, 2011)

I am not sure what your wife's reaction is about, but I do know that you should not be the one apologizing. You should discuss things openly, but what are you apologizing about?

I think you need to ask her what she wanted to get out of watching you with another woman? Go google "I want my husband to have an affair." 

I am not trying to be a downer, it is simply another way of looking at it. At any rate, in this case it seems to signify something much deeper than simply want to experiment in a lifestyle.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

By the way...the smartest man in the world, or one of them, an elderly paraplegic guy, is in the lifestyle...just an interesting bit of trivia...you never know who you're going to bump into at a lifestyle club...lol.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :sleeping:
> Not everyone feels the same as you.
> It sounds like you and your wife are on the same page.
> Most people are not down with the "lifestyle" and would not ever be.
> The OP's wife is suffering from a case of "be careful what you wish for."


For sure. LOL

Why is it overrated, Califguy? Just because you aren't into it or can't do it doesn't mean it's "overrated".


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> By the way...the smartest man in the world, or one of them, an elderly paraplegic guy, is in the lifestyle...just an interesting bit of trivia...you never know who you're going to bump into at a lifestyle club...lol.


What a silly thing to call it. "Lifestyle". LOL We all have lifestyles. Why do swingers get to grab that word for themselves? lol.

Why hate on people who are monogamous? I feel bad for you that you need more than your wife to be sexually happy and visa versa. But I guess you wouldn't understand being exclusive and actually liking the person you're with...didn't you leave your first wife because she got fat? Then that explains your "lifestyle" now....at least to me. I'm glad you found a woman who is into it. More satisfying for the egos involved.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> By the way...the smartest man in the world, or one of them, an elderly paraplegic guy, is in the lifestyle...just an interesting bit of trivia...you never know who you're going to bump into at a lifestyle club...lol.


Einstein cheated, he was brilliant but it doesn't make cheating right

look, I'm happy swinging works for you and your spouse. I have no quarrel with what consenting adults wish to do with their own boundaries.

But the stark reality is that monogamy works for the majority of people and while swinging always seems very enticing, the hard truth is that the fantasy is much better than the reality for most people. The "enhancement" most couples would get from swinging doesn't outweigh the risk factors of what could happen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> By the way...the smartest man in the world, or one of them, an elderly paraplegic guy, is in the lifestyle...just an interesting bit of trivia...you never know who you're going to bump into at a lifestyle club...lol.


And this is relevant to the OP's thread question/topic how? 



that_girl said:


> Why hate on people who are monogamous?
> 
> I'm glad you found a woman who is into it. More satisfying for the egos involved.


:rofl:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> By seperating emotions from the physical act. Not something everyone can do, and even of those that can (like your wife) you realise much to late, that you really couldnt.


I think this is key, before hand you really have to detach your emotions from the sex. It also requires endless discussions with your spouse before you decide to embark on this sometimes dangerous journey.

For my husband and I, we talked about trying this years ago, I wasn't ready for it at the time, so we tabled it. However, years later we decide to try with another male. I knew that the attention was going to be all on me, but if another woman was involved, I'm not so sure I would be ok with it, it would require more discussions. And yeah, I had to totally detach, and focus on what was going on.

It's not for everyone, it requires a lot of assurance and trust.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> *Einstein cheated*, he was brilliant but it doesn't make cheating right
> 
> look, I'm happy swinging works for you and your spouse. I have no quarrel with what consenting adults wish to do with their own boundaries.
> 
> But the stark reality is that monogamy works for the majority of people and while swinging always seems very enticing, the hard truth is that the fantasy is much better than the reality for most people. The "enhancement" most couples would get from swinging doesn't outweigh the risk factors of what could happen.


And his fav was his first cousin - counts as incest doesn't it?


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> And his fav was his first cousin - counts as incest doesn't it?


Not if your from the South. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Har Har Har


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Yeeeeehaaaawww!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Charles Darwin married his first cousin. lol. Ironic.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Yeeeeehaaaawww!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

okay I'll say it

having children with your 1st cousin does NOT increase the odds of defects by a significant margin to warrant it being illegal


morally is whole other ball game, but I have for the most part want government to stay out of governing morality


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Einstein cheated, he was brilliant but it doesn't make cheating right
> 
> look, I'm happy swinging works for you and your spouse. I have no quarrel with what consenting adults wish to do with their own boundaries.
> 
> But the stark reality is that monogamy works for the majority of people and while swinging always seems very enticing, the hard truth is that the fantasy is much better than the reality for most people. The "enhancement" most couples would get from swinging doesn't outweigh the risk factors of what could happen.


I could care less if two folks want to do this. That said, it creeps me out to be around them.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I've never been able to understand wanting to see your partner with another person in front of you. I'd rather chew glass. 

This OP is a good example of this being a really bad idea unless both parties are really into it. If it's one person's idea, it's going to go bad.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> I've never been able to understand wanting to see your partner with another person in front of you. I'd rather chew glass.
> 
> This OP is a good example of this being a really bad idea unless both parties are really into it. If it's one person's idea, it's going to go bad.


I agree, I just dont understand that. If I loved someone I would not want to share and would hope they felt the same. Cant see any good coming out of it for the relationship. It would kill me to know that let alone be in the same room.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I could care less if two folks want to do this. That said, it creeps me out to be around them.


Chances are, some of your friends or family are in the lifestyle and you don't even know it...and probably the ones you'd least suspect! 

Personally, I got along with people in the lifestyle much more than the public at large...overall, a really cool group of people from all walks of life but, I think, on average, more educated, better traveled and waaaaayyyy less judgmental than the average bear.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Sex is taken far too seriously by most people.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

couple said:


> Sex is taken far too seriously by most people.


And not serious enough which is why there are places like this and divorce is so high IMO.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

A threesome involves sex? And all this time I thought it was me in my favorite chair, the remote control, and a cold beer!!!

Dang, I'm too old for this world.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

wouldnt that be a foursome unless you are not involved in that equation


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> Chances are, some of your friends or family are in the lifestyle and you don't even know it...and probably the ones you'd least suspect!
> 
> Personally, I got along with people in the lifestyle much more than the public at large...overall, a really cool group of people from all walks of life but, I think, on average, more educated, better traveled and waaaaayyyy less judgmental than the average bear.


Saying someone is less judgemental than someone else is waaaaaayyyyyyy judgemental. We tend to get along with people we are compatible with. I get along with people with similar values as I.

Suggesting that one has friends or family that allow their wife to be shared with other men is very offensive. Perhaps the norm in your circles. I see no real difference between swinging and cuckolding. I see swapping partners as low class. Just my opinion. People have that right. If you like your wife to have sex with other men then fine. Go for it. Some folks are into NAMBLA. That is way creepy too.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

2yearsince said:


> wouldnt that be a foursome unless you are not involved in that equation


A foursome. Sometimes you let people play through because you want to take a slower pace or you take more strokes.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

If I was in a foursome I'd likely be done really fast.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> Exclusivity is soooooo OVERRATED!!! :sleeping:
> 
> The exclusivity between my wife and I was over before we were even married, we honeymooned at Desire Cancun (a luxury resort big with swingers), had an awesome time there with like minded couples and spent about a year in the "lifestyle."
> 
> ...


For YOU it is! Sounds like you have it all figured out, huh?




> I have no statistics, but I would guess that those in the lifestyle probably cheat far less often than those in "monogamous" relationships.


This statement is so contradictory I don't even know what to say. It's oxymoronic. 

If you think monogamous relationships are over-rated, you're obviously not in the right one. That's sad. You're missing out on a lot. When you love someone, truly and deeply, you don't need anyone else. You're not in a gratifying relationship and you've convinced (fooled) yourself that this works for the entire world. I will never believe in a million years you have a healthy relationship. Why even be in a relationship at all? Someday you will probably come across someone you will want to be in an exclusive relationship with, and it will bring a lot of heartache to the current realtionship you're in now. Perhaps then you'll realize what monogomy is all about and why couples value it so much.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Saying someone is less judgemental than someone else is waaaaaayyyyyyy judgemental. We tend to get along with people we are compatible with. I get along with people with similar values as I.
> 
> Suggesting that one has friends or family that allow their wife to be shared with other men is very offensive. Perhaps the norm in your circles. I see no real difference between swinging and cuckolding. I see swapping partners as low class. Just my opinion. People have that right. If you like your wife to have sex with other men then fine. Go for it. Some folks are into NAMBLA. That is way creepy too.


I'm not a swinger, never have been a swinger, never will be a swinger. Have zero interest in it.

But .... did you just try to draw some kind of parallel between what consenting adults choose to do and men who molest children?
Yikes. Talk about offensive ...


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> I'm not a swinger, never have been a swinger, never will be a swinger. Have zero interest in it.
> 
> But .... did you just try to draw some kind of parallel between what consenting adults choose to do and men who molest children?
> Yikes. Talk about offensive ...


Yup, that's what she did...lol. But, she forgot to draw a parallel between what consenting adults choose to do and men who have sex with farm animals, so I guess she was being nice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol Poor animals.


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## teahead (Nov 28, 2011)

The OP hasn't posted anything since.

Could this be another BS post?


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