# help! I cant even explain this but I will try



## Aloneinusa (Sep 27, 2009)

I have been married to my husband for 3 years. We have a relationship that is based on trust and I truly love him. My problem is that every time I confide in him for emotional support he turns it around that HE is to blame and then instead of getting my needs met, I am now coddling HIM to assure him that it is NOT his fault.
If I say I had a bad day at work, he begins by yelling that hes SORRY he doesn't make enough money for me NOT to work. 
That he a bas** , or some such lot.. He turns it around so I come back with " Honey, YOUR not at fault here, what are you talking about?" Hes so defensive I cant even say anything without him going off the handle. I dont want to share anything bad about me or my day because what I need is empathy and compassion, not me having to supply to HIM on top of how I"M feeling at the time.
I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this.. and to make matters worse, he just left 10 days ago to work outside of the US and I wont see him for 6 months and now the same thing happens on the phone. I'm just drained and tired and I have no emotional support base here where I am. I have no family except his and I'm afraid that I am living with them during this time. Help me... does anyone have this problem? He is defensive about EVERYTHING


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## Patty (Sep 29, 2009)

You need to figure out WHY he is defensive, I think. Ask him to be patient with you if he can and trace back through everything to the real source of his anxiety, which obviously has nothing to do with your work or bad hair day or whatever normal grumpiness you have going on... my best guess is that he feels insecure about something. Maybe he is afraid of living alone? Maybe he is worried about losing you, that you will find someone better while he is gone? You know you won't, of course, but maybe he has a hard time feeling secure in that. If you can get to the root of the anxiety and reassure him that you do love him, you are committed to him, that he is the right one for you (maybe you will need to do this repeatedly), perhaps it will help and he can begin to hear really what you say, instead of what he fears. Best of luck.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Co-dependence? Does he really feel responsible for how you feel? 

My husband is like that, but he doesn't get defensive. He simply feels bad. But I know how you feel in the respect that when I have a problem and I share it with him, I end up fighting both sides of the argument because he always blames himself for everything. In a way, it is a brilliant strategy. It is totally confusing for me and I end up feeling bad that I said anything at all.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H is like this too. It used to be really bad but he's mellowed out. he still says he takes it personally whenever im upset but its not that bad. 

But mostly i think your h is just a narcissists. if you are going to work through this, its going to be a long lonely road. be prepared for things to stay this way for a really long time. and you'll have to work on curbing your resentment. 

Some things you can try:

you'll have to try a reward system where you find out what it is he really likes and only do it when he shows you positive emotional support, and you'll have to make a big deal out of the tinniest support. When you do reward, make sure you let him know exactly what he did that you liked. not in a general way. dont say, "you were emotionally supportive and i liked that." you have to say, "when you look me in the eyes while im talking to you, i feel you are being emotionally supportive." be very descriptive about what makes you feel supported. but only say it when he does it. and every single time he flips out on you, you'll have to tell him he's pushing you away emotionally. give him positive results when he does what you like and let him know when he's hurt you. But whatever you do- do not let him continue on his tirade. the very minute he starts with the ridiculousness, stop talking to him. If you coddle him, talk to him, reassure him, you are rewarding him. that's the worst thing you can do. Do not reward the bad behavior. You dont have to get angry. but you do have to tell him that although you love him, this behavior is hurtful to you. you dont need to go in to details. but you do need to stop talking. Only give details when he asks. give no more information then he asks for. this part is so important. If he doesnt ask you why, dont elaborate. Just state your boundaries. 

You can try not talking. Try printing out articles for him to read about how this affects a marriage, articles about what it means to be emotional supportive. You dont need to discuss it. you can even write him letters. Of course you'll want to be careful with how much you share with him. He's not ready to hear you. if you push it on him he will become resentful of you. Be careful about pushing something on someone who is not ready for it. 

And you can try working on your boundaries. There are some great books and websites out there to help you with these difficult situations. Learning how to back off is always helpful. 

And you can try doing none of the above- which is currently where I'm at. you can try making yourself happy again and forgetting about going to him. you should really be doing this one anyway because if you dont you'll build a lot of resentment that will poison any effort to fix things. 

im really just spitting out some of the things ive tried in my own marriage. and pointing out some mistakes ive made- like letting my happiness go while i was trying to change my H so he could make me happy. if you have a lonely, isolated life, you'll want to do something about that. the more isolated you are, the more of an impact your H will have on your emotional health. Make sure you surround yourself with things you love, people who love you, and a goal to pursue that has nothing to do with your H. These are some of the most important things to keeping you emotionally healthy.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Maybe you should just start agreeing with him. Yup, it is his fault. Obviously.


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

My husband does that too sometimes. I just say "Honey, this is not about you, it's about me. Can we please focus on that for now? I just want you to listen and then maybe give me a big hug and tell me you love me, that's all." That way he knows what you are asking him to do and hopefully won't get so defensive.


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