# My Wife's past and her current depression are destroying us



## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Hi and thanks in advance for any helpful responses. Ok, where to begin.. My wife and I have known eachother for 6 1/2 years. We were in our early 20s when we met at work. When I met her she was engaged to the father of her child (accidental pregnancy at age 18) and needless to say not happy at all with her life. She was only going to marry him for the childs sake. 

Fast forward a bit... we started hanging out as friends, going out together with groups of other friends. We both knew there was something special between us, so one night before we parted ways I leaned over and kissed her. By the next day, she had left her fiance and was living at her parents house. We kept a low profile at first, but soon enough we were living together, both madly in love, very happy with our new life together. The initial spark died down a bit as is expected with all relationships, we argued, etc, like normal couples, but we never let it get in the way of us. 

Fast forward a bit more... We got our first house together. Her son, whom I met when he was barely 2, was now 6 and practically my son as well. We were a happy family. I was going through school at the time so I didnt have money to propose to her, but I wanted to and she said it was worth the wait. Then, things took a turn for the worse. She was withdrawing from me, picking fights over nothing, avoiding me, basically giving her best to anyone but me, then leaving me with the worst. She wouldnt communicate, no matter how hard I tried. She said she didnt feel anything anymore and was scared that it would always be like that. Things escalated and it ended with us breaking up, me moving out and her keeping the house. Although it made me extremely sad, we both agreed that we needed time apart to find out more about ourselves and just basically wait and see what happened from there. After all, she was my first love and she had basically been denied the chance to discover herself due to the early pregancy. So for 6 months we lived our own seperate single lives. I was overwhelmed with grief, I loved her so much I could barely live without her. I called her, begged, cried, everything. She ignored me, brushed me off, and snubbed me. Then I finally got sick of it and cut her out completely. I met some girls, started dating, then I was kind of seeing this one girl exclusively for a while. All of the sudden, my ex starts calling me. 

At first for nonchalant reasons, then to tell me to come visit her, her son missed me, the pets missed me, etc. So I would go to visit, very awkward visits, and then when dinner was done or whatever I would give her a hug and leave. Well, at some point we decided if we were going to be seeing other people, we might as well add eachothers names to our lists, so we started going on dates, etc. One night we were at my apartment watching a moving, and she leaned over to me and said "I love you" which hadnt been said to me in 6 months. I was overwhelmed with joy, and we decided it was time to start seeing eachother exclusively again. Fast forward... Im back in my home with my happy family. I had just graduated from college, and went out one morning and picked out a ring. Not 2 weeks later I was down on 1 knee, she said yes, and we both cried with joy. I had made her the happiest woman alive. Not 1 week into our engagement, she had the church, reception, and her dress all picked out. The planning went off without a hitch. We didnt argue about details, and it was a great wedding, not a dry eye in the house. We were the happiest married couple in the world. Now, not 4 months into the marriage, she sits me down and says shes scared, she feels nothing, and she doesnt want to drag it out for 5 or 10 years and have a bunch of kids then decide shes not happy and wants a divorce. So we talked about her past, her parents utterly non affectionate relationship, her ability to emotionally detach, and the fact that she may very well be chemically depressed (She has most of the symptoms). We talked about seeing a counseler, but she told me she didnt think it would help. We talked about how the first breakup went down, and she basically admitted that she didnt start missing me til she realized that I didnt miss her anymore. I said, for better or for worse, I'm your husband, let me be there for you and help you work this stuff out, I'm here for you. I will stand by your side for all of my days. But she didnt want me there for her, she said it was something she needed to do alone. 

So I said, if I walk out that door again, its going to be very hard to get me back through it. Now, she didnt tell me to leave, but she didnt tell me to stay either, so I left, again. Now I'm mad, frusatrated, confused- not sad like before. I miss her, but I hate what she has done to my life. She plans on going to see some professionals about her issues, but shes not putting a whole lot of effort into it. I have been to the doctor, he gave me some mild mood stabilizers, otherwise I would be a total wreck. For all this woman has done to me, I still am madly in love with her. I knew that when I got back with her, and I knew that when I proposed. So right now, I am hopelessly lost, and am desperately seeking advice from all of you. Please help me understand what I should do. Sorry for the massive amount of text, its tough to simplify this stuff. Thanks again


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## jonas27 (Jul 27, 2009)

I am no expert by any means. It just sounds to me like she is not valuing you or the relationship. It sounds like a child who doesnt want to play with a toy until some other child grabs it and then she wants it back.
I am sure it hurts big time and it will take a lot of time to get over completely but I bet there is someone else out there who could appreciate and value you in a more meaningful way.
Sound like there is more harm then good in the situation with her.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Thanks for the reply jonas, I totally agree with you. It makes me feel alot better when someone else puts it into perspective like that. I am sure that weeks or months from now she will be calling me, saying she misses me, etc. And I'm not sure if I'll be strong enough to say no, even though I know its best.


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Hey man, I commented on your other thread but thought I'd read the story to go along with it. Sorry to hear what she's done to you, although our stories may be different they both end the same way with her not knowing what the hell she wants in life. When you mention her parents relationship and her ability to emotionally detach herself and the depression, you described my wife exactly. And like you, I love her to death but know it will be wrong to take her back but also not sure if I'll be strong enough to say no. I can't give you much advice because I'm still trying to figure it out myself but hang in there and know your not alone.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Well, I think I've got it figured out. For the short term, the decision to go back with such a person may sound like a good idea. But it could never work in the long run or for a lifetime. Like an aspirin for a headache. But if that headache is being caused by a brain tumor, aspirin will not help either of us in the long run. That means, its really easy to take an aspirin to make the pain go away now, but eventually, that pain is gonna come back. Its really difficult and actually more painful to treat the tumor, but thats the big fix, the permanent solution. These women of ours are like tumors, and they gotta be removed or the problem is never going away. Thats my two cents. I filed for dissolution today, wrote my soon-to-be-ex a very impersonal letter explaining all the details, and am awaiting a reply. The way I see it, I should only have to see her 2 or 3 more times max, and then I am done forever. And I'm okay with it. It sucks, but it seems like when something scares you the most, you have to run at it head on instead of running away. This woman has no place in my life anymore.


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## b2000 (May 6, 2010)

Wow. As I read your original post, I couldn't believe how similar your situation is to mine. It was shocking. I just posted a new thread detailing my problem earlier today, and while it pains me to read about the ordeal you've gone through, it also helps me to know that others out there are experiencing the same things. 

I wanted to offer up some encouragement until I reached your last post. Looks like you don't need it, as you've found the solution that'll work for you. It's good to hear that you've come to terms with the actions you're going to take...

However, it leaves me feeling conflicted because I simply can't see myself being able to walk away. I just can't. 

What bothers me is that if I were to walk away, I'm pretty certain that she'd never contact me again, ever. It's so hard to feel that way when I'm already struggling to figure out what I've even done to deserve all this. This definitely detracts from my sense of self worth. 

I'm happy that you're happy...but I'm sad that I may never reach this feeling of personal triumph that you've achieved by forging your own path. 

Best wishes for the future.


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## josephajain (May 22, 2010)

You should take her to the doctor immediately otherwise you have to regret it later......


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