# I screwed up and I need to be a better husband for my wife.



## TheG (10 mo ago)

We've been married for only a year now but dated for 7 years... so we have 8 years together. 
Recently, she confessed she doesn't love me anymore but also said she doesn't hate me. 
To make the long story short, we talked about how dostant we've become distant a few months after our marriage. We talked about how she tried to make me feel happy but eventually ended up feeling unhappy herself due to neglect on my part. 

My Question: How do I get her to love me again without making my self becoming annoying to her? I plan to focus on her more and support her so she feel happy again even just for herself... whatever it takes. 

To put more context:
During our talk I realized I have been worried to the bones about my personal health when the covid situation in our part of the world worsenned. Well, it all started when I rushed to the hospital for acute hypertension, fast heart rate, and shortness of breath. I know for my self that i was almost out of shape already and that experience changed my priorities without me knowing it already started. Only a few months after we got married I suffered from sudden anxiety attacks. I started to be more worried and heavily relied on her to pull me out of the situation. However, though she was successful but only at the cost of her own self love and sense of value in the relationship. It was like I was not being the loving husband she deserves... and I regret everything about it right now. 

So now that I am out of the darkness of anxiety and not anymore borderline depressed, I want to do everything I can for her. Unfortunately, I dont have a clear plan or idea where and how to start. She wants to be more independent from me because she wants to take her time off since we see each other 24/7 by working from home the majority of our relationship. We will start to have separate computer rooms asap.

My Mission now:
I love my wife but I failed to be strong for her for some time now. I want to do my best so she feels happy and valued in our relationahip again.

If anyone has experienced getting out of this situation, please give a fellow some advice. 

Thank you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

This is where you will need a professional marriage councilor. This is not a run of the mill type problem that friendly advice can help solve. You need professional help, just like you did in working through the anxiety and depression.

You also should not try to be with her in any 24/7 type capacity. No matter how much we love our spouses, we still need alone time. So make sure she and you both get this.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

TheG said:


> My Question: How do I get her to love me again without making my self becoming annoying to her? I plan to focus on her more and support her so she feel happy again even just for herself... whatever it takes.


This is literally the opposite of what you should be doing.

You sound very needy and weak and that is unattractive to women.

Man up and work on yourself.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

TheG said:


> I started to be more worried and heavily relied on her to pull me out of the situation.


You are suppose to be her emotional rock, not the other way around. 

Basically what is happening is you are failing to be the strong, leader, masculine man she needs you to be and therefore she's not attracted to you and she's already checked out of the marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TheG said:


> We've been married for only a year now but dated for 7 years... so we have 8 years together.
> Recently, she confessed she doesn't love me anymore but also said she doesn't hate me.
> To make the long story short, we talked about how dostant we've become distant a few months after our marriage. We talked about how she tried to make me feel happy but eventually ended up feeling unhappy herself due to neglect on my part.
> 
> ...


This is in the wrong category seeing as how no infidelity took place.

What you do is get healthy and pursue your own goals while being available if and when she needs you.

Don't wait on her or try to make it better. By you becoming better it will take care of most of her burden.

You could probably do with some help from a professional but you also seem to be falling into the codependency trap as well as basing your happiness and well being onto her shoulders which you need to stop immediately.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I'm not sure why you put this in the "infidelity" section, I'll assume that was a mistake. 


TheG said:


> Recently, she confessed she doesn't love me anymore but also said she doesn't hate me.


Like ILYBNILWY. 


> We talked about how *she tried to make me feel* happy but eventually ended up feeling unhappy herself due to neglect on my part.
> 
> My Question: How do I* get her to love me *again without making my self becoming annoying to her?


There's a lot of "trying to make the other person feel x" in this. The two of you need to stop trying to control each other's feelings. No more anyone trying to make anyone "feel" any way. Behave kindly and decently to each other, and let the other person feel however they feel. 


> I plan to focus on her more and support her so she feel happy again even just for herself... whatever it takes.


What do you mean exactly by the words _"support her"_ ?


> I rushed to the hospital for acute hypertension, fast heart rate, and shortness of breath.


That sounds like a classic panic attack. Did the hospital find anything organic?



> However, though she was successful but only at the cost of her own self love and sense of value in the relationship.


Exactly. Her trying to manage _your_ anxiety. 



> Unfortunately, I dont have a clear plan or idea where and how to start. She wants to be more independent from me


She's right. Try to spend less time "monitoring" her mood and trying to control it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You should do her a huge favor and let her go in peace. She doesn’t love you anymore and the plan you have will most definitely drive her even further away. Let her go and then work on yourself to become a more healthy independent man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thunderchad said:


> You are suppose to be her emotional rock, not the other way around.
> 
> Basically what is happening is you are failing to be the strong, leader, masculine man she needs you to be and therefore she's not attracted to you and she's already checked out of the marriage.


This is not true. Spouses are meant to be there for each other in sickness and in health.

Your attitude is very unhealthy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@TheG I feel that you need individual counselling and also couple's counselling. Do you have any children?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why is this thread in the coping with infidelity section? Where is the infidelity here or am I missing something?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> This is not true. Spouses are meant to be there for each other in sickness and in health


This is what it is suppose to be but it's not reality in a lot of circumstances. This site is filled with stories like this unfortunately.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

The only true recourse you have here is to focus on yourself. Improve your physical and mental health. MAYBE that will spark in her the desire to be vulnerable with you again and to tear down the walls you have built up between you two. She has seen you at your worst... and it wasn't pretty. It will take a while to rebuild that trust. 

In short... let her go. Do not chase. Do not beg. Do not push to reconnect. 

Check out our men's group, the DSO Fraternity. Lots of great guys in your exact position: *The DSO Fraternity.*


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have to do a combination of things. First you have to be stronger. Be a man. Do the traditional masculine chores around the house but do some of the other ones too. Don't suck up to her in a sniveling way but show her love, be romantic & decisive. Plan a date out but have other stuff going on in your life too. Get a hobby. Spend time away from her & give her the freedom to be away from you. I'm not talking about taking a "break" or some other nonesense, I'm talking about spend 3-5 hours per week apart. Go see your respective friends; volunteer somewhere; get some exercise.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once you get the ILYBINILWY speech, my opinion is its best to cut bait.
Yes, you fint found healthy enough to have a strong relationship. But I personally don’t think once a woman falls out of love, she will ever fall back the same. Trying to pursue her and be a “better man” and “win her back”——— absolutely the worst possible thing to do.
Getting a better job, getting in shape, going out to social events alone or with her if she asks to go…… that’s healthier.

chasing a woman is like chasing rabbits. The faster you run, the faster they do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you had panic attacks from the covid bull?

do you realize that perhaps half of everything you saw on tv or read online about covid was a lie? What the government told you was more attuned to controlling people, than actually helping them thru a pandemic!

Are you vaccinated? if yes, good. if not, go do it.
then stop living in fear.
take your wife out to a restaurant tonight.
get tickets for a rock concert to go to.
take her to do something she likes to do.
go on a short trip with her.

and stop living in fear of this virus. if you are vaccinated, you are highly unlikely to catch it, and if you do, you are highly unlikely to feel anymore than just cold symptoms. start living life in a manly way....cowboy up!

you wife needs to see you acting like a man. you need to lead. and at this point in your life, you have to be leading HEROICLY in her eyes. go do it!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I can understand why your wife feels the way she does, but you're only human and were suffering. It's okay to fall down as her husband, you can't always be a stoic hero. Suppose you have cancer someday? Or a heart attack? So, there's that side of it. But, I also understand your wife, and the thing is...she may be at a place of indifference, which is why she said she doesn't hate you. In some ways, if she hated you, she'd still show some emotion and caring. But once a person reaches indifference, it's tough to get them off that ledge. That's just my opinion, fwiw.

I agree with others - work on you. For you. Not for anyone else. She may see your newfound resolve and strength and fall back in love. But, I'm not a fan of ''performing'' for our spouses. We all have good and bad seasons. I hope that you can find a sense of peace in life, for yourself. Regardless if your marriage succeeds or not.


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