# I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done



## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

Hi I’m new to this kind of thing and I’m just looking for advise, help, heck really anything.

I’ve been married for 3 years, with a girl I dated in high school, we are currently awaiting our first child. 

At first I though our relationship was decent but I’ve never really felt full, or whole almost like I’ve been missing something. We got married at 22, but dated for a little bit before.

As we have gotten older and grown up some I’ve started to realize that we have grown in different ways, in my mind of work I’ve had to because I deal life or death situations every day and deal with other people’s problems.

I see the world differently now and feel and want different things then I did when we first got together. I recently lost a bunch of weight and got in shape and my wife seams to have no drive to better her self what so ever, even when I tried to get her to do stuff with me in the beginning as a couple/ support partner. As I have gone through this journey myself we have grown apart. 

We hardly have sex/ except when she got pregnant, but before hardly at all, we barley talk when at home, and she has no desire to go on dates or go out with friends or if I want to go to friends for beers or cookouts she doesn’t want to or I can’t go, I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells.

I found that I am no longer attracted to her and havnt been for some time. I fee as if we got married too young and have grown and matured very differently. 

She has this idea of what a marriage needs to be from a bad relationship with her parents who constantly push them seven into our relationship. I have felt like I have been trying for so long to put in a effort to do stuff with her, to make things work, and nothing in response. Till recently. 

Recently I have had to be completely honest with myself because I’m Finally confident in who I am as a person and realizing who I am, we had a talk because I couldn’t lie to her or myself anymore and told her everything, I know it hurt her, it hurt me, but even through it I still have a hard time trying to make things work I just don’t have the love anymore or desire to be with her I am just done. 

But with a child on the way it changes everything because I want to be there for my daughter. But I also want to be a good dad but I want to be happy too. Any advise or anything?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

The stats on divorce rates after weight loss surgery are an astounding 75-85%. That's insane. It's called Bariatric Divorce, and doctors/hospitals learned that counseling before and after performing these surgeries was necessary, particularly for married couples. There are different reasons that people lose the weight and then end up divorced. You didn't say how you lost yours, so I don't know if your weight loss was result of one of the weight loss surgeries, but the results can be the same either way. You lost weight and have a new attitude, new confidence, and new lease on life. She didn't. She's still the same person that you both were before you lost weight. I suggest you and she attend weight loss counseling before you decide to blow up your marriage and judge your wife so harshly.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Bluedog76 said:


> Hi I’m new to this kind of thing and I’m just looking for advise, help, heck really anything. I’ve been married for 3 years, with a girl I dated in high school, we are currently awaiting our first child. At first I though our relationship was decent but I’ve never really felt full, or whole almost like I’ve been missing something. We got married at 22, but dated for a little bit before. As we have gotten older and grown up some I’ve started to realize that we have grown in different ways, in my mind of work I’ve had to because I deal life or death situations every day and deal with other people’s problems. I see the world differently now and feel and want different things then I did when we first got together. I recently lost a bunch of weight and got in shape and my wife seams to have no drive to better her self what so ever, even when I tried to get her to do stuff with me in the beginning as a couple/ support partner. As I have gone through this journey myself we have grown apart. We hardly have sex/ except when she got pregnant, but before hardly at all, we barley talk when at home, and she has no desire to go on dates or go out with friends or if I want to go to friends for beers or cookouts she doesn’t want to or I can’t go, I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I found that I am no longer attracted to her and havnt been for some time. I fee as if we got married too young and have grown and matured very differently. She has this idea of what a marriage needs to be from a bad relationship with her parents who constantly push them seven into our relationship. I have felt like I have been trying for so long to put in a effort to do stuff with her, to make things work, and nothing in response. Till recently. Recently I have had to be completely honest with myself because I’m
> Finally confident in who I am as a person and realizing who I am, we had a talk because I couldn’t lie to her or myself anymore and told her everything, I know it hurt her, it hurt me, but even through it I still have a hard time trying to make things work I just don’t have the love anymore or desire to be with her I am just done. But with a child on the way it changes everything because I want to be there for my daughter. But I also want to be a good dad but I want to be happy too. Any advise or anything?


Have you even been to marriage counseling yet?

I think that is the first step.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Bluedog76 said:


> Hi I’m new to this kind of thing and I’m just looking for advise, help, heck really anything. I’ve been married for 3 years, with a girl I dated in high school, we are currently awaiting our first child. At first I though our relationship was decent but I’ve never really felt full, or whole almost like I’ve been missing something. We got married at 22, but dated for a little bit before. As we have gotten older and grown up some I’ve started to realize that we have grown in different ways, in my mind of work I’ve had to because I deal life or death situations every day and deal with other people’s problems. I see the world differently now and feel and want different things then I did when we first got together. I recently lost a bunch of weight and got in shape and my wife seams to have no drive to better her self what so ever, even when I tried to get her to do stuff with me in the beginning as a couple/ support partner. As I have gone through this journey myself we have grown apart. We hardly have sex/ except when she got pregnant, but before hardly at all, we barley talk when at home, and she has no desire to go on dates or go out with friends or if I want to go to friends for beers or cookouts she doesn’t want to or I can’t go, I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I found that I am no longer attracted to her and havnt been for some time. I fee as if we got married too young and have grown and matured very differently. She has this idea of what a marriage needs to be from a bad relationship with her parents who constantly push them seven into our relationship. I have felt like I have been trying for so long to put in a effort to do stuff with her, to make things work, and nothing in response. Till recently. Recently I have had to be completely honest with myself because I’m
> Finally confident in who I am as a person and realizing who I am, we had a talk because I couldn’t lie to her or myself anymore and told her everything, I know it hurt her, it hurt me, but even through it I still have a hard time trying to make things work I just don’t have the love anymore or desire to be with her I am just done. But with a child on the way it changes everything because I want to be there for my daughter. But I also want to be a good dad but I want to be happy too. Any advise or anything?


You just unwisely destroyed her trust in you.

I would have advised against that.

Tell me what you want to hear and I will say it for you.


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## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

I was not drastically over weight but I had lost nearly 100 lbs and changed. I did all mine through diet, and hitting the gym, no surgery. And we are currently going to counseling, and I know she is a good women, I know she is I just have fallen out of love and grown apart from her.


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## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

How so? We’re trying counseling together now.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bluedog76 said:


> As we have gotten older and grown up some I’ve started to realize that we have grown in different ways, in my mind of work I’ve had to because I deal life or death situations every day and deal with other people’s problems. I see the world differently now and feel and want different things then I did when we first got together.


That's likely in part due to your job but also the fact that you married *too young* and as is usually the case, you're both growing up and going your own separate ways. Your brain isn't even fully developed until you're 25 years old! Your story doesn't surprise me one single bit.

I have to be honest and say it's going to suck for your wife because I'm sure she wouldn't have gotten pregnant had she known her husband was ready to fly the coop - regardless of how uninvolved and/or apathetic she may be. I'm still pretty sure she would have chosen* not* to be pregnant and find out her husband wants out. That sucks for any woman.

The alternative is staying in a marriage you no longer want to be in 'for the kids.' Doing the old 'fall-on-the-sword, wear the hair shirt and thorn of crowns martyr routine' where you sacrifice your own emotional, physical and intellectual needs 'for the children' and stay in a miserable marriage for YEARS, just to be able to say you did it for your kids. And so many of those who do this have even MORE kids in their miserable marriages - nail after nail after nail in that coffin. 

Except they're doing NO ONE any favors and making their kids' home lives miserable with the constant tension a miserable marriage brings and then there's the eventual guilt the *kid* feels when they realize martyr daddy(or martyr mommy) stayed all those years JUST for them.

I'm glad to hear you're giving marriage counseling a try. But all the marriage counseling in the *world* isn't going to magically make you fall back in love with your wife. If marriage counseling had that kind of magical ability, there wouldn't be any divorces.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

As you are very young, read, read all the good advice, and because you are young (it bears repeating, sorry):

don't make any hasty decisions or worse yet take any immediate or hasty, or even near term decisions. 

Some time, a little at least, would be best taken to let some of the fluid circumstances in you two's life cook a bit.

I'm not saying it may go as you think, today, but as both of you are still getting the lay of the land here and there, certain things may be revealed where you and she are concerned. 

Things presently unknown or not sufficiently weighted by you.

And W.

If too quick draw at this time you'll realize there are actions and words that can't be undone or taken back, you may come to regret.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Bluedog76 said:


> I was not drastically over weight but I had lost nearly 100 lbs and changed. I did all mine through diet, and hitting the gym, no surgery. And we are currently going to counseling, and I know she is a good women, I know she is I just have fallen out of love and grown apart from her.


How does she feel about you? Is she still in love with you? Does she feel the two of you have lost your connection? What is it that motivates her to not lose weight?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

So who is the woman you are interested in? Someone from the gym?


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## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

We are trying the counseling thing hopefully it will help, us or at least get my mind right. And we are you g and we have two totally different families and upbringings which has had a play in this as well. But I’m not dumb I know a lot of this is me, and I have allowed my self to fall out of love. But I also felt for so long I have been trying so hard with her and to love her and I continuously get denied and told stuff is my problem I jUst gave up. But since we sat down and had a long talk about how I have been feeling and I told her the truth about it, she has been trying to show it. But it’s also too much. I have no doubt she loves me, but she follows me around at home, waits on me to walk in the door when I get home from work in the kitchen, walkes me to the door when I leave, says I love you all the time, and I just can’t seam to say it back. It’s hard because I know at this point with a child on the way I should be treating her better and she deserves that and I’m trying, but I’m just not there for her emotionally, anymore. And as far as the last comment about a women, I work with multiple women in my field but we are all A type personalities so we get a long. And very good friends. There is not a women at my gym I talk to, obviously I am attracted to other women now but I haven’t gone looking for anything. I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard. It’s hard hearing that stuff from someone who I trust so much. And me and my wife haven’t been good for some time. The whole time she hasn’t felt anything has been wrong because she is comfortable and complacent, and I felt something wrong when we got pregnant but in a way I was hoping it would make things better and was I wrong. It was my fault because we weren’t ready relationship wise to have a child.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bluedog76 said:


> We are trying the counseling thing hopefully it will help, us or at least get my mind right. And we are you g and we have two totally different families and upbringings which has had a play in this as well. But I’m not dumb I know a lot of this is me, and I have allowed my self to fall out of love. But I also felt for so long I have been trying so hard with her and to love her and I continuously get denied and told stuff is my problem I jUst gave up. But since we sat down and had a long talk about how I have been feeling and I told her the truth about it, she has been trying to show it. But it’s also too much. I have no doubt she loves me, but she follows me around at home, waits on me to walk in the door when I get home from work in the kitchen, walkes me to the door when I leave, says I love you all the time, and I just can’t seam to say it back. It’s hard because I know at this point with a child on the way I should be treating her better and she deserves that and I’m trying, but I’m just not there for her emotionally, anymore. And as far as the last comment about a women, I work with multiple women in my field but we are all A type personalities so we get a long. And very good friends. There is not a women at my gym I talk to, obviously I am attracted to other women now but I haven’t gone looking for anything. *I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard. *


So now you have a choice: (1) Tell this woman at work you have to at least distance yourself or, preferably, move work locations and not see her anymore or (2) Be THAT GUY who threw his wife and family away for an affair.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Bluedog76 said:


> I was not drastically over weight but I had lost nearly 100 lbs and changed. I did all mine through diet, and hitting the gym, no surgery. And we are currently going to counseling, and I know she is a good women, I know she is I just have fallen out of love and grown apart from her.


You might look into www.marriagebuilders.com before giving up. They have a program that helps couples truly fall back in love with each other. If you didn't have the child on the way I might say just cut your losses you're so still both so young. But it would be a shame for your baby to start life in a broken home.

What has your marriage counselor said? Do you think your wife might be depressed? Also, keep in mind YOU are the one who has changed, not your wife. I understand that's not going to make you content to have someone who is not on the same page as you in terms of energy and ambition and sex drive, etc. The truth is you always had reservations about her, but she didn't know that. From her perspective, you were perfectly happy with her the way she was because you asked her to marry you. Now all the sudden YOU make a bunch of changes and tell her she is a big disappointment to you.

I'm not saying to stay with her no matter what because if you're really unhappy it will get worse and worse and you'll end up divorced anyhow just further down the road. But I think you really need to have a come to Jesus conversation with yourself and realize it was YOUR weakness and immaturity that brought this about. If you are going to get out, figure out how you're going to make sure your wife and child are provided for and things are worked out as well as possible for the little one.

But first, please do TRY marriagebuilders. You may end up extremely happy. You have nothing to lose.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bluedog76 said:


> And as far as the last comment about a women, I work with multiple women in my field but we are all A type personalities so we get a long. And very good friends. There is not a women at my gym I talk to, obviously I am attracted to other women now but I haven’t gone looking for anything. *I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard. It’s hard hearing that stuff from someone who I trust so much. And me and my wife haven’t been good for some time.* The whole time she hasn’t felt anything has been wrong because she is comfortable and complacent, and I felt something wrong when we got pregnant but in a way I was hoping it would make things better and was I wrong. It was my fault because we weren’t ready relationship wise to have a child.


And there it is. You should not have allowed yourself to have this kind of relationship with any other woman. 

Called it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Your wife can never complete with that "falling for someone " feeling you are having with your affair partner at work.

Heck she does not even know you have entered her into the competition. 

So are you just going to be dishonest throughout marriage counseling so you can be disingenuous and say you made a heroic try?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> And there it is. You should not have allowed yourself to have this kind of relationship with any other woman.
> 
> Called it.


Yep.

OP,

One never talks with a co-worker about W trouble, W relations trouble.

Even if you never act or or "on the hunt" so to speak, the fact you talk to a third party co-worker about W troubles shows other co-workers you are of a type that "talks about people".

Don't doubt your co-workers talk about stuff you're not privy to.

And now, one of their topics is your trouble at home.

And apparently it doesn't go without saying; never join a group, or even a couple of co-workers discussing another's personal problems, or "private gossiping".


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## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

I understand how it sounds and looks from the outside I do, and I know it has been me that has changed, I’m not putting all the blame on her, I’m just stating how I feel, I know I am probably the problem, but it also started with issues we were having and didn’t get addressed. She has not put in any effort for me at all. Until recently. After I brought up the problems. It started out just simply talking because we needed to, she blew it out of proportion, her parents have now filled me a price of ****, her mother has called and texted me things and called my parents and tried to get them Involved. Now I’m just asking for space to think about things trying to figure myself out, but she keeps pushing and pushing me for answers I don’t even have for myself yet. I feel like the more she tries to push for answers and follows me around like a pet, it pushes me away. She has just controlled me for so long I’m every way. My parents even said I havnt been myself for sometime. It’s because I was having to change to prevent an argument, or keep the peace. I’m just tired and don’t know what to do. And as far as this other person I know I messed up, I know I did. I know I should feel bad I do but I don’t.. this other women just confirmed all the things I know I had going was wrong. And it should few wrong, but it doesn’t. That’s why I’m confused because I know I owe it to my wife to try and I really am. I’ve tried to stop talking to this other person, and I am looking for a move of divisions but it’s not that simple in my lone of work to just leave. But at the same time I literally cannot stop thinking about her. And we were just friends and out of no where don’t know how it changed. And that’s my fault but it leaves me confused In myself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bluedog76 said:


> I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard. It’s hard hearing that stuff from someone who I trust so much. And me and my wife haven’t been good for some time. The whole time she hasn’t felt anything has been wrong because she is comfortable and complacent, and I felt something wrong when we got pregnant but in a way I was hoping it would make things better and was I wrong. It was my fault because we weren’t ready relationship wise to have a child.


And there she is. The marriage wrecker. Of course you trust her, because she's telling you exactly what you want to hear. She is whispering lies into your ear. 

I cannot believe you told your wife you don't love her while she is pregnant with your child. That is just cruel, because it will make her pregnancy harder while she is carrying your child. 

Dump the woman who you trust and focus on your wife.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Are you posting for us to tell you that your behavior is okay?

You are breaking your wife's heart. 

This is not about marrying too young. This is about you stepping over the line and having at least an emotional affair. The relationship that you have with this other woman where you are telling her about your marriage and she is feeding your bull****, is evil against your wife. Not only that, but you are blaming her.

It is a travesty that you got her pregnant while involved in an affair. Yes, what you have with the woman you have tried to rug sweep and minimize is an affair. It is a much bigger issue than anything you mentioned about your wife. No wonder she doesn't want to go anywhere with you. You likely haven't been treating her well and she is probably depressed and anxious. Start treating your wife like a woman who is worthy of your love and affection and see where things go from there with your marriage. And stop talking to that other woman that you are in love with. 

I'm willing to bet the affair has involved some physical contact as well.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> So who is the woman you are interested in? Someone from the gym?


I thought this was so funny and the likely thing a person would think. I got banned for accusing someone just like this, and I'm glad for your wife's sake that you said it isn't true. However, it does appear you have feelings for someone else that you haven't acknowledged yet. I think you're seeing the field that is available to you and making all kinds of excuses about a bad marriage when you never tried to fix things then, and you aren't trying to fix anything now. You just want out so you can explore your new self and your new field of opportunity. Like I said, it doesn't matter how you lost the weight. The results are the same.

You expressed yourself to her, and now your wife is making an effort to change while you are being incredibly callous. She is pregnant with your child, for pete's sake. Have some freaking compassion and take some responsibility. You can repeat over and over that it's a bad time to have a child, but it will never change the fact that you're having a child. You're only thinking about yourself and what you want with no regard for your obligations and your vows, so you keep trying to philosophize and theorize them all away to justify yourself. But there is no justifying what you are doing.

I know you said you and she are attending counseling, but it might not be the right kind of counseling. You need someone who is familiar with and trained in the concept of bariatric divorce. Hospitals that perform bariatric surgery would have the right counselors available or can direct you to someone. You don't have to remind me that you lost weight on your own. I'm saying again that the resulting effects on your frame of mind and thought processes and that affect on your marriage are the same.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

StarFires said:


> I thought this was so funny and the likely thing a person would think. I got banned for accusing someone just like this, and I'm glad for your wife's sake that you said it isn't true. However, it does appear you have feelings for someone else that you haven't acknowledged yet. I think you're seeing the field that is available to you and making all kinds of excuses about a bad marriage when you never tried to fix things then, and you aren't trying to fix anything now. You just want out so you can explore your new self and your new field of opportunity. Like I said, it doesn't matter how you lost the weight. The results are the same.


This is enabling him in his affair.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

I have mixed emotions. Being a good husband for your wife may be beyond your moral standards or lack thereof. Read about limerence--that's what's going on with your affair partner. She saw what she wanted--you--and went for it knowing you are married and about to be a father. What a lovely girl--bet she'd make a trustworthy wife?! How do you explain her to your child?

You know you did wrong, but do not want to fix it--you've already moved on. I'm wondering if your wife and child don't deserve someone more loving and a man of character?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Bluedog76 said:


> I understand how it sounds and looks from the outside I do, and I know it has been me that has changed, I’m not putting all the blame on her, I’m just stating how I feel, I know I am probably the problem, but it also started with issues we were having and didn’t get addressed. She has not put in any effort for me at all. Until recently. After I brought up the problems. It started out just simply talking because we needed to, she blew it out of proportion, her parents have now filled me a price of ****, her mother has called and texted me things and called my parents and tried to get them Involved. Now I’m just asking for space to think about things trying to figure myself out, but she keeps pushing and pushing me for answers I don’t even have for myself yet. I feel like the more she tries to push for answers and follows me around like a pet, it pushes me away. She has just controlled me for so long I’m every way. My parents even said I havnt been myself for sometime. It’s because I was having to change to prevent an argument, or keep the peace. I’m just tired and don’t know what to do. And as far as this other person I know I messed up, I know I did. I know I should feel bad I do but I don’t.. this other women just confirmed all the things I know I had going was wrong. And it should few wrong, but it doesn’t. That’s why I’m confused because I know I owe it to my wife to try and I really am. I’ve tried to stop talking to this other person, and I am looking for a move of divisions but it’s not that simple in my lone of work to just leave. But at the same time I literally cannot stop thinking about her. And we were just friends and out of no where don’t know how it changed. And that’s my fault but it leaves me confused In myself.


Yikes, this is pathetic on so many levels. Somebody showed you some attention on top of denigrating your wife, and you just couldn't resist. That is weak-minded and unattractive.

Dude, stop fantasizing. Stop theorizing. Stop philosophizing. Stop making excuses. Stop throwing your pregnant wife away for another woman. Have some morals. Have some substance.

If you made any effort at all toward your marriage, you and wife would have a chance to find each other again.

But this doesn't surprise me based on what your mother said to you. When my nephew kept trying to leave his wife for another woman, my mother told him, "You BETTER keep your arse right there with your wife and help her raise your children!" They have now been married for 37 (38?) years. You are trying so very, very hard to justify doing the wrong thing because you were never taught any moral values, so you have no system of virtue or discipline, and you STILL are not being told by your parents to do the right thing. They raised you to be a jerk, so now here you are - acting just like the jerk they raised you to be.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is enabling him in his affair.


I don't know what you mean in terms of what is enabling his affair. Please explain.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

StarFires said:


> I don't know what you mean in terms of what is enabling his affair. Please explain.


Telling him that his intimate relationship with another woman isn't an affair.


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## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

I’m not looking for approval. I’m just confused in my feelings with everything and looking for advise I know I have messed up I know that. I know I have changed and that’s not her fault. I’m just asking for help and advise on how to get back on track with myself and figure out my relationship. I do love my wife and I know she doesn’t deserve this nor should I deserve her at this point. But I also know how I feel and I know I look like the bad guy in all of this from an outside perspective issues were there for quit sometime. They have just recently came to light more due to the other women and that’s my fault for not talking with my wife sooner I know that. It hurts me to hurt my wife but I also don’t feel at the same time. I know how it all sounds buts not that easy o feel like


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

You say you are confused, hurt, and pretty much done, so what kind of advice are you seeking? Probably not this:

My advice would be to change jobs, have no contact with other women, work on your marriage and your attitude, support your wife's pregnancy. No one says this will be easy. Join a church or synagogue. Meet with other young husbands and fathers. 

Do not try to change your wife, but praise her often and truthfully. Make others the main focus of your life instead of your self. Try this for a year or two and see what happens. Pray for your family.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bluedog76 said:


> I’m not looking for approval. I’m just confused in my feelings with everything and looking for advise I know I have messed up I know that. I know I have changed and that’s not her fault. I’m just asking for help and advise on how to get back on track with myself and figure out my relationship. I do love my wife and I know she doesn’t deserve this nor should I deserve her at this point. But I also know how I feel and I know I look like the bad guy in all of this from an outside perspective issues were there for quit sometime. They have just recently came to light more due to the other women and that’s my fault for not talking with my wife sooner I know that. It hurts me to hurt my wife but I also don’t feel at the same time. I know how it all sounds buts not that easy o feel like


If you truly want help, there is advice we can give you that is reliable and realistic, but it will take a commitment to building your character and not only your body. This is about much more than your feelings. It is about your character and the obligations you have to your family. In order for your feeling for your wife to return, you will need to reset your thinking towards your wife rather than away from her. Don’t let anyone tell you this is about age. It’s not. It’s about character. I got married at 20 years of age and have been married for 35 years. We were young and dumb, but any issues we’ve had were related to character, not age.

The other woman is going to tell you things that are harmful to your marriage, because she is in competition with your wife. Your wife doesn’t even know what’s going on because she trusts you. Tell your wife that you have been involved in an emotional affair. If you have kissed with the other woman tell you wife. If you have had sex with the other woman, I normally would recommend telling your wife, but not while she’s pregnant. You need to protect her and the baby.

Immediately purchase Not Just Friends (link below). Read this book with your wife and apologize for your behavior. Not every wife would forgive this betrayal, but your wife will, because she loves you and because she is pregnant and wants to work this out. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...teway&sprefix=Not+Just+Friends,aps,295&sr=8-1

Your wife is overweight and sedentary; she was all that when you married her, but you were still attracted to her and loved her enough to marry her. You can stay married to her and enjoy her as much as you did before, but you can also do the things you want to do. Ask her to go with you, but if she doesn’t you can still go do things once or twice a week, as long as you are spending plenty of time with your wife doing things that both of you enjoy. When the baby is born and old enough, you can take the baby with you and she may be more motivated to go then.

You say you love your wife. What do you love about her? Please make a list of these items. Dwell on them. Start complimenting your wife in these areas daily. When you are dwelling on the things you love about your wife, it will eventually change how you feel about her as well.

Change gyms. I know that your gym is your community and you are happy there, but that is why you need to change. You are in a marriage killing community. If you want things to get better, leave everything that is harming your marriage. You can easily find a new gym and should do so immediately.

Cut off contact with the other woman. Tell her that you are making a fresh commitment to your family and you cannot speak to her anymore. Tell her not to contact you. Block her number on your phone. Remove her from your contact list. Do not speak to her again after that. If she gets angry with you, that’s a very good thing and will help you to detach.

You cannot make your marriage work if you are bonding with another woman. It is important that you learn, set, and maintain proper boundaries. The book above will help you with that.

If you are serious about making things better in your life, stay here and we will help you get back on track. You cannot change your wife, but you can change how you see her. She is not a burden. She has been a good wife and you can revitalize your marriage while having your needs met in a healthy manner.


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## Bluedog76 (Jun 17, 2019)

I do agree with all of these statements, and advise I thank y’all for it for what’s its worth. Here is my next question, just a question not what I’m thinking. Is possible to marry the wrong person? Marrying young thinking it’s something it’s not, and etc. not a true sole mate? Just asking this from reading and watching videos etc, I have heard this. Opinions on this ?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bluedog76 said:


> I do agree with all of these statements, and advise I thank y’all for it for what’s its worth. Here is my next question, just a question not what I’m thinking. Is possible to marry the wrong person? Marrying young thinking it’s something it’s not, and etc. not a true sole mate? Just asking this from reading and watching videos etc, I have heard this. Opinions on this ?


I believe one can make someone their soulmate, but a soulmate isn’t the person you were made for. People are not designed for each other. If you think about that, there are many serious implications for this idea. Nope. No such thing as someone floating around out there waiting to find the one that was made specifically for them.

Relationships take effort and that effort must be mutual for it to work.

Yes, it is possible to marry the wrong person, but probably not in the way you are thinking. The wrong person would be someone who is evil. Marrying an axe murderer would be marrying the wrong person.

I know you feel like you married the wrong person, but you have only started to feel this way since you changed. She was fine until you changed. That doesn’t mean she’s the wrong one. You could spend your entire life looking for the right one and never find her, because you have this idea of a utopian marriage. I’m 55 years old and I have never seen a perfect marriage. I’ve put a lot of thought into it and looked for one but have still not found it. I’ve seen good marriages, solid marriages, and people who love each other warts and all. Those are the people who are happily married. Most of those people married in their early 20’s or late teens.

One of those couples would probably be told they were not right for each other and she was too young, but they have been married over 60 years and have one of the strongest marriages I’ve ever seen. They are wonderful people who passionately love each other. I think she was 19 when they married. They have been through many hard times, but they stuck together through it and have set a loving example for many people throughout the years.

My opinion on young marriage is different than many people. I believe if two young people of good character marry that they grow and learn together. Again, the key is character. What you really need to do with all of this is work on being a man of honor and integrity. Stand by your wife and love her like you promised her you would.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bluedog76 said:


> Is possible to marry the wrong person?


Yes, it is quite possible. But, as TJW the aged..... I am here to tell you that marriages work because the two people involved set themselves on a program of becoming the RIGHT person. Programs which make ME the RIGHT person. 

Dr. Phil has a wonderful saying ..."....there are times when we make the right decision. And, there are times when we simply have to make the decision right......"...

You, my young sir, are at the point in your life where you simply have to find all the help you require to make your decision right. You have to completely avoid this other woman through whatever means necessary. Concentrate all your thoughts on your wife and your marriage.

If you don't do this, trust me.... you will regret it, the time is not yet, but there is coming a point of no return, beyond which you will find no place of repentance.


@CynthiaDe just wrote you a post which you should memorize, word-for-word. "Soulmate", "the ONE person".... is all Hollywood hor$e$hit.... it sells movies....Harlequin romance novels, etc, but it is complete balderdash which has ruined countless lives of people who sought after it as if it were truth.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bluedog76 said:


> She has just controlled me for so long I’m every way. My parents even said I havnt been myself for sometime. It’s because I was having to change to prevent an argument, or keep the peace. I’m just tired and don’t know what to do. And as far as this other person I know I messed up, I know I did. I know I should feel bad I do but I don’t.. this other women just confirmed all the things I know I had going was wrong. And it should few wrong, but it doesn’t. That’s why I’m confused because I know I owe it to my wife to try and I really am. I’ve tried to stop talking to this other person, and I am looking for a move of divisions but it’s not that simple in my lone of work to just leave. But at the same time I literally cannot stop thinking about her. And we were just friends and out of no where don’t know how it changed. And that’s my fault but it leaves me confused In myself.


Two VERY IMPORTANT things here, ok? 

First, you subjected yourself to keep your wife happy and that never ends well. You end up miserable, she ends up taking you for granted, and your relationship tanks. 

But this is fixable. But it is ONLY fixable if you stop ALL CONTACT with your emotional affair partner. Yes, YOU ARE IN AN AFFAIR. And only you can get you out of it.

Second, you need to educate yourself on what it means to be in an emotional affair. Once you start confiding in another woman, your body starts to create a chemical called PEAs. It's the exact same chemical your body created when you met your wife, or any other woman you dated. It's your body's way of getting you to latch on to that person, to FEEL instead of THINK. It's human nature's way of keeping the human race procreating. 

And it only lasts about 3 years. At the end of around 3 years, your body stops producing the PEAs cos, in caveman terms, you've been together long enough to pop out a couple of babies and keep the species going.

All this to say that what you feel for your affair partner IS FAKE. It's not real. It's a fantasy. Yes, she may 'get' you. Yes, she may make you feel good. But she makes you feel good because you have NO BAGGAGE with her. 

A real relationship means dealing with the baggage that comes up and finding a solution and moving forward as a team. You have never had to hold this woman's head over the toilet while she vomits from getting too drunk (unless you're not being honest with us about the extent of the affair). You have never had arguments with her about paying bills. You've never dealt with her parents. So of course she 'FEELS' wonderful when you think of her - no baggage.

But here's the deal, dog. This is a test. This is a test of your character. All those problems you described with your wife? They are fixable. All it takes is some therapy and some knowledge of what a healthy marriage looks like and a commitment. She is now ready to commit to that cos you scared the sh*t out of her. That's human nature; we don't take things seriously until we're about to lose it.

YOU aren't ready to commit cos you feel you have someone waiting in the wings for you. But I want you think hard about this: You have a baby girl on the way. Do you want all her life for her to know that you left her and her mom, that you gave them a lower standard of living, that you set her up to deal with two homes (if you even stick around; many men don't)...just because you started having feelings for another woman and decided your family wasn't worth the effort?

Like I said, you have a choice to make: The easy one where you ditch your family and your name is mud in your wife's family ANY yours (even if they don't admit it to your face) just for some temporary feel-good? And yes, it's temporary; almost ALL affair relationships crumble within the first 2 or 3 years (remember the lifespan of the PEA chemicals, or lust). Or the hard one where you tell your coworker you got too close to her and have to stop talking to her, get therapy, improve your marriage, stand up for yourself to your wife so she becomes an equal partner, and you raise your daughter right?

And mods maybe this can be moved to Infidelity?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bluedog76 said:


> At first I though our relationship was decent but I’ve never really felt full, or whole almost like I’ve been missing something.


This is probably internal, not external. In other words, it’s not about her or the marriage. It is about something missing inside of you that you need to find. You can do this without destroying your marriage.



Bluedog76 said:


> We got married at 22, but dated for a little bit before. As we have gotten older and grown up some I’ve started to realize that we have grown in different ways, in my mind of work I’ve had to because I deal life or death situations every day and deal with other people’s problems. I see the world differently now and feel and want different things then I did when we first got together.


AND



Bluedog76 said:


> I recently lost a bunch of weight and got in shape and my wife seams to have no drive to better her self what so ever, even when I tried to get her to do stuff with me in the beginning as a couple/ support partner. As I have gone through this journey myself we have grown apart.


This happens at any age. When marriages don’t work out, there are always reasons.
Your work has changed your perspective, but your wife hasn’t had that experience. Did you ever speak to her about how you wanted to grow together, but felt you were going different directions? Now that she is afraid may be the time to talk to her about that, because fear can be a motivator. Don’t expect her to be a different person, but expect her to grow and work together to grow together.






Bluedog76 said:


> We hardly have sex/ except when she got pregnant, but before hardly at all, we barley talk when at home, and she has no desire to go on dates or go out with friends or if I want to go to friends for beers or cookouts she doesn’t want to or I can’t go, I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells.


This part is a bit confusing. What do you mean by:
“I can’t go”? AND “I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells.”






Bluedog76 said:


> I just don’t have the love anymore or desire to be with her I am just done.


You said you are confused and you are right. I think a lot of the confusion is currently from the relationship you have with the other woman. Things will be hard for a while but will get better once you have been out of contact for a while. Then your thinking will begin to clear. You said here: 


Bluedog76 said:


> I do love my wife and I know she doesn’t deserve this nor should I deserve her at this point.


I think you love your wife, but I also think that you need to learn to set boundaries. For example, her family is mistreating you and that’s not okay. You do not have to answer to them. I recommend that you tell her that her family is not to approach you regarding your marriage again and that you will not respond to them at all. This is not okay for them to go off on you. 




Bluedog76 said:


> I was not drastically over weight but I had lost nearly 100 lbs and changed. I did all mine through diet, and hitting the gym, no surgery. And we are currently going to counseling, and I know she is a good women, I know she is I just have fallen out of love and grown apart from her.


Counseling will have no impact if you are still in contact with another woman.



Bluedog76 said:


> But I also felt for so long I have been trying so hard with her and to love her and I continuously get denied and told stuff is my problem I jUst gave up.


You can’t force feelings. Feelings come from what and how we think. 
There are different kinds of love. One kind if active love where you have the other person’s best interests at heart and treat them as you would want to be treated. 
Another kind of love is that in love feeling, which comes and goes in most marriages. Sometimes people fall out of love and they bail, because they don’t understand that life has ebbs and flows.

It sounds like you are saying that your wife hasn’t been listening to you and you have felt that she doesn’t care about your feelings. Is that correct?



Bluedog76 said:


> But it’s also too much. I have no doubt she loves me, but she follows me around at home, waits on me to walk in the door when I get home from work in the kitchen, walkes me to the door when I leave, says I love you all the time, and I just can’t seam to say it back.


Her telling you she loves you isn’t what you are looking for anyway. You need her to show you that she loves you. Another book you two could start after the Not Just Friends is a book about love languages. It seems that the two of you have different ways of giving and receiving love, but you need to speak each other’s language in order for both of you to feel loved.




Bluedog76 said:


> I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard. It’s hard hearing that stuff from someone who I trust so much.


I’m sorry, I didn’t read this correctly the first time I responded to this post. I thought she was from the gym. You might not need to leave your gym if you haven’t formed any inappropriate relationships there. But your work, that’s a different matter. You cannot continue working with this woman once you’ve been in an affair with her. If you read the book Not Just Friends, you will understand that having such an intimate relationship with a woman is a type of affair and makes it impossible for you to heal your marriage, especially when she is talking badly about your wife and encouraging you to leave her. That’s terrible. She is not good relationship material.

It is time to start looking for a transfer or a new position. You need to get away from this woman. Her influence on you is toxic.

Have you had sex with this woman?


Bluedog76 said:


> It’s hard because I know at this point with a child on the way I should be treating her better and she deserves that and I’m trying, but I’m just not there for her emotionally, anymore.


 This is where the action type of love comes in. Your wife and baby need you to be there for them. It sounds like your wife has let you down emotionally. Your marriage counselor should be able to help you become an emotionally support for each other.


Bluedog76 said:


> And me and my wife haven’t been good for some time. The whole time she hasn’t felt anything has been wrong because she is comfortable and complacent, and I felt something wrong when we got pregnant but in a way I was hoping it would make things better and was I wrong. It was my fault because we weren’t ready relationship wise to have a child.


Time to start focusing on the future and working through these issues. If your wife is in counseling with you, these are things you can work on together.

You expressed that something is missing and she isn’t filling it. I said that whatever is missing is internal. It sounds like you have been trying to make your wife happy but feel like she hasn’t put in the effort that you need. Now she’s pregnant and you have become involved with another woman, so you are in emotionally turmoil.

These bad feelings aren’t going to last forever. You can something about them. It will take some time, but you can work through this and be happier. You need to start learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. I think that may be the root of what is happening that makes you feel unfilled. You are gaining confidence, but still lack healthy boundaries so you can be a man of honor and integrity who gets your needs met in healthy ways. That needs to be your focus along with caring for you wife until she is well out of postpartum.

Don’t be in a hurry. There are some men here who can give you excellent advice on how to approach the issues with your wife. If @farsidejunky has time, perhaps he will comment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bluedog76 said:


> I’m not looking for approval. I’m just confused in my feelings with everything and looking for advise I know I have messed up I know that. I know I have changed and that’s not her fault. I’m just asking for help and advise on how to get back on track with myself and figure out my relationship. I do love my wife and I know she doesn’t deserve this nor should I deserve her at this point. But I also know how I feel and I know I look like the bad guy in all of this from an outside perspective issues were there for quit sometime. They have just recently came to light more due to the other women and that’s my fault for not talking with my wife sooner I know that. It hurts me to hurt my wife but I also don’t feel at the same time. I know how it all sounds buts not that easy o feel like


You are not GOING to fell in love with your wife right now because of those PEA chemicals in your body (same thing as limerance; look it up). It's also called an affair fog. Going no contact with the affair partner is the ONLY way to make that fog go away so you can think clearly. 

Will you end up back in love with your wife? Maybe, maybe not. But you OWE her the act of at least ending contact with your affair partner (the OW - or other woman), seeing if you can make things work, and then deciding on a clear head, not an addicted one. Cos guess what? Another term for an emotional affair is an addiction. Those PEA chemicals that make you feel so-good when you talk to her - that's an addiction. And just like any other addict, unless you go cold turkey, you will never stop craving it.

So. Are you going to do the RIGHT thing? Are you going to end all contact with OW and then see what happens, give it enough time for you to go through your addiction withdrawals so you can see and think clearly again, and THEN make a decision? Or are you going to take the easy (cheap) route and label yourself for the rest of your (and your daughter's) life?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*



CynthiaDe said:


> Telling him that his intimate relationship with another woman isn't an affair.


It was weird viewing from phone earlier and I thought I posted a response but don't see it so just to clarify, you must have misunderstood something. He was accused of meeting someone at the gym. He said he didn't, so I was glad he didn't but noted he had feelings for someone and wasn't acknowledging the extent of the relationship. He never said they were intimate, so it's not something I addressed. Not sure what you misconstrued.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

StarFires said:


> It was weird viewing from phone earlier and I thought I posted a response but don't see it so just to clarify, you must have misunderstood something. He was accused of meeting someone at the gym. He said he didn't, so I was glad he didn't but noted he had feelings for someone and wasn't acknowledging the extent of the relationship. He never said they were intimate, so it's not something I addressed. Not sure what you misconstrued.


Yes. I did misunderstand. I thought the woman he is involved with was from the gym. Sorry about that.

This is the second time I've done something like this today. Apparently I need to read more carefully.

Intimate isn't only a term referring to sex. It is about sharing one's deep self with another person, which he is doing with the woman at work.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Yes. I did misunderstand. I thought the woman he is involved with was from the gym. Sorry about that.
> 
> This is the second time I've done something like this today. Apparently I need to read more carefully.
> 
> Intimate isn't only a term referring to sex. It is about sharing one's deep self with another person, which he is doing with the woman at work.


Who doesn't have brain fart disease sometimes?

But yeah, I agree they are too close. Someone appealed to him with the right words and also tore his wife down, so he fell for it, which is a conversation that never should have taken place because he had no business talking to another woman about his wife or home life. Typical scenario. Typical desperate **** female.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Who doesn't have brain fart disease sometimes?
> 
> But yeah, I agree they are too close. Someone appealed to him with the right words and also tore his wife down, so he fell for it, which is a conversation that never should have taken place because he had no business talking to another woman about his wife or home life. Typical scenario. Typical desperate **** female.


Thank you for your understanding.

Exactly regarding this woman who is tearing down his wife. People like that burn me up. They come off so caring and sweet when in reality they are snakes and liars who are out for themselves.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

I left a comment but deleted it when I realized I was wrong about a couple of things.

So I thought about this more. OP, losing 100 lbs is a big deal and I think it's caused you to think you have options you didn't have previously.....like your coworker. You wouldn't be the first person to have this happen.

And I get it. You feel like you put up with a lot and now you have options. But here's the thing: you have to evaluate your marriage on it's own merits, which you can't do while you have emotional involvement elsewhere. 

Believe me....I get it. You're unhappy, vulnerable, and have new confidence and options. But your other woman is clouding your judgement. You have to cut her off, let the connection wear off (and it will if you cut her off), and then decide where the marriage stands.

Maybe it will turn out to be for the best if you ultimately go your separate ways...just don't make that decision while sniffing arouhd someone who isn't going to turn into anything anyway. And if she's engaging a married man she isn't that great of a person. 

And congrats on the weight loss. That's a lot of hard work you should be proud of. Not many people accomplish that and even fewer maintain it, so stay on top of it. Better health for you benefits your daughter.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Exactly regarding this woman who is tearing down his wife. People like that burn me up. They come off so caring and sweet when in reality they are snakes and liars who are out for themselves.


This deserves repeating, Bluedog76, so you can read it a second time. This is something else you are new to. Women know exactly what to say to men to get men to like them. And there are dirty women who don't care and actually enjoy feeling like they can steal other women's husbands away. What you did and how you keep referring to your wife is exactly what that woman wanted you to do. As you can see from mine, CynthiaDe's, and other people's responses, everybody is familiar with that woman's method of operation. Because you're not accustomed to the attentions of women and their conniving ways, maybe you're not aware that you are her victim.

You feel very strongly that your wife is not the one for you, but I submit you wouldn't have felt so strongly about it had you not lost the weight and started getting noticed. What we're trying to tell you is you need to be stronger than that and have more character. Devote yourself to your marriage and child on the way, instead of thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. You are not the first person to have these same complaints, but I'm sure you've heard many times before that marriage is a lot of work. Well, this is the work that is required. If you tried nearly as hard to do the right thing as you have put into convincing yourself and everyone here that you want to do the wrong thing, your marriage will have a much better chance.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I have some thoughts. However, I'm not going to get into them until the OP can answer some basic questions.

Are you really... truly ready to grow up?

I hear a lot of rationalizations and excuses. That leads me to believe the answer to that is likely no.

What do you actually stand for?

You sound like a rudderless ship. You strike me as the type that has no idea what really matters to you, other than what feels good. 

You fall out of love with your wife because that doesn't feel good. You pursue this woman at work because it feels good. This has led you to a budding emotional affair.

I'm not suggesting your wife is blameless in your marriage by any stretch. What I am suggesting is you still really don't know yourself. Maybe you don't care to.

What do you respect about your wife?

I want you to list at least three things. True love is born of respect.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Partner, I’ve been in your boots, but I’m old and been through a few more wars than you. I kinda feel you have the “ grass is greener over there syndrome “.

The alpha hottie that you work with will chew you up and spit you out. You are actively looking for a way out and she’s pulling you in... meh

You know I and many others usually tell the betrayed spouse that they are the prize and as gently as I can, I’m telling you that your wife seems like she is the prize. Now I don’t know you, your wife or coworker, but if she’s trying to pull you into leaving your wife, she’s not much of a prize herself. In the real world she would be branded a “ home wrecker.

May I ask, what efforts have you put into yours and your wife’s situation? Are you being real? Is it a cursory, well I’ll try, just so I can say I did?

If you are playing the game for points, let your wife go. You say you’ve matured beyond her, then man up and give her and your child what they need and cut her loose. She sounds by your own words that she would be a catch for a caring man.

I have to say that, as gently as I can, these are my thoughts, not those of the regulars, not gospel. I wish you, your wife and child the best, think hard before you make a decision.

OT


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Before reading any further

1. FFS your wife is pregnant, this is a time of life which is often difficult for women with changes in hormones etc. While you are busy preening yourself (she sees this) what have you done for her to make her feel valued as the soon to be the mother of your kid
2. You come across as selfish and entitled. You got her pregnant and then decided she wasn't good enough for you.
3. Of course, she doesn't want to go anywhere with you or be anywhere near you, she knows exactly who you are
4. She is pregnant and you expect her to get on a weight loss regime and go to the gym, seriously?
5. I agree YOU are too young to be married, you do not have the first clue as to what a decent solid married man is when his wife is pregnant
6. She is pregnant, you are not getting the sex, attention, etc you need and now she is disposable, nice!

My heart breaks for your wife. You need to grow up and not make your marriage all about you! i hope your wife decides to divorce you, lose her weight and marry a man who knows how to be a decent man.

P.S. Tell your wife to come on here so that the good people of TAM can share a few tips with her on how to handle a useless husband who is intent on stepping out on her when she is pregnant. She should in no way be doing anything for you, sucking up to you, nothing, you deserve nothing from her after telling her you didn't love her anymore when she is pregnant with your child. You are selfish, self centred and not worthy of having a family. You need to go away and take 10 years to grow up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bluedog76 said:


> We are trying the counseling thing hopefully it will help, us or at least get my mind right. And we are you g and we have two totally different families and upbringings which has had a play in this as well. But I’m not dumb I know a lot of this is me, and I have allowed my self to fall out of love. But I also felt for so long I have been trying so hard with her and to love her and I continuously get denied and told stuff is my problem I jUst gave up. But since we sat down and had a long talk about how I have been feeling and I told her the truth about it, she has been trying to show it. But it’s also too much. I have no doubt she loves me, but she follows me around at home, waits on me to walk in the door when I get home from work in the kitchen, walkes me to the door when I leave, says I love you all the time, and I just can’t seam to say it back. It’s hard because I know at this point with a child on the way I should be treating her better and she deserves that and I’m trying, but I’m just not there for her emotionally, anymore. And as far as the last comment about a women, I work with multiple women in my field but we are all A type personalities so we get a long. And very good friends. There is not a women at my gym I talk to, obviously I am attracted to other women now but I haven’t gone looking for anything. I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard. It’s hard hearing that stuff from someone who I trust so much. And me and my wife haven’t been good for some time. The whole time she hasn’t felt anything has been wrong because she is comfortable and complacent, and I felt something wrong when we got pregnant but in a way I was hoping it would make things better and was I wrong. It was my fault because we weren’t ready relationship wise to have a child.



There you have it, the REAL reason for wanting to dump your wife. You know you are lying to yourself and the woman you married. Anyway, what goes around comes around.....................my marriage is not good, I don't love my wife, blah blah blah, oh there is a women I am attracted to...blah blah blah....I do have one friend at work and we have always been close.......blah blah blah...... Nothing but excuses from you. you lost weight, now you feel that the sea is full of fish and your are justifying potential cheating on your wife by making all sorts of exuses about your marriage. We here on TAM can see right through you, can you? Your poor wife can also see right through you but unfortunately is pregnant by a man who is obviously looking elsewhere instead of focusing on his family and stepping up to the plate like he ought to. You either are really really gullible and definitely not fit to be a father to a helpless child or really a piece of work..... either way you do not deserve to have your wife or future kid.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do not think mincing words is going to help you.

You, my friend, are (quite simply) a cheater and a liar. You are lying to and cheating on your wife and rewriting history, making all kinds of excuses for it to help you feel better and justify it. Heck, you even came on to a marriage forum to help you justify it. Here are some cold hard facts:



Marriages are difficult. They take a lot of work to make them work. You make vows. You stick to them. It helps you become a better person and have a much more enjoyable and worthy life.


You married young, big deal! Hundreds of thousands of people marry young. You might say, in many cultures, you are supposed to marry young. And then build a life and family (and become a better person). That is not an excuse for bad behaviour.


Which brings me on to - you are cheating and lying to your wife. She loved and still loves you. She got pregnant. Your description of that is that she has not chosen to better herself !?!? You lost weight and are now looking elsewhere filled with fake confidence and with a bubble that is ripe to be burst. You are not a good person.


Your co-worker is also not a good person and has no business having an affair with a married man and soon to be father. You really need to cut her out of your life completely.



OK so I hope you see this cold hard facts for what they are and do something about it. You do not need marriage counselling yet. First you need personal, individual counselling for yourself to help fix you. Then you can work on the marriage. And it starts with recognising what is happening, owning it, dropping the POSOW and working on yourself, and then your marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Yep.....a woman who lets you know how much better you deserve then your pregnant wife.

A real low value piece of trash.

Think very carefully about whether you want to blow up your life for such a person. You're going to have a hard time getting anyone to see you as anything but the guy who cheated on his pregnant wife.

Is it worth it? For a low value woman who likely won't go anywhere?

If you don't think that you'll always be the guy who cheated on a pregnant wife after he lost some weight and felt entitled you're mistaken.

No matter what the legitimate issues you may have in your marriage are nobody will see past that. It's one of those things that will overshadow everything else.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

I expect people telling you to leave because you don't deserve your wife and child or because they deserve better than you or whatever reason they give are right up your alley, just saying exactly what you want to hear. I don't believe you care what the excuse is to leave them so long as you have an excuse to leave them. The lame excuses you formulated in your head aren't acceptable to people, so you'll take THEIR advice and use THEIR lame excuses to leave for whatever reasons seem to be generally acceptable since somebody told you to do it. Still lame as hell, but you'll take whatever you can get. 

I know people mean well, but some of you just signed this guy's divorce papers. No pregnant woman deserves that, nor a woman who has just given birth. But the deed is as good as done now.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Bluedog76 said:


> I do agree with all of these statements, and advise I thank y’all for it for what’s its worth. Here is my next question, just a question not what I’m thinking. Is possible to marry the wrong person? Marrying young thinking it’s something it’s not, and etc. not a true sole mate? Just asking this from reading and watching videos etc, I have heard this. Opinions on this ?


i married my wife at about the same age. i was 22. we went on about five dates and then got married. we were at each others throats for the first couple years as we learned about each others demons. we have been through just about everything that usually destroys a marriage... infidelity, financial problems, health issues, family members getting involved, trying to pull us apart...

we really didn't like each other much when we got married. we didn't trust each other. we spent long stretches of time when we weren't even attracted to each other in the slightest. but we kept at it. we kept trying to find ways to share our joy with each other. the best way to be happy with someone is to share with them the joy that you have. it is infectious. 

early on, i used to think that my wife had zero drive to better herself. even simple things like taking regular daily walks was too much for her. but, she got tired even when she was angry. that little fact kept ringing in my head. so i knew there was something wrong. as it turns out, she has an extremely rare auto-immune disorder. it has caused her body to be eaten through with abscesses, legions, and random inflammations. it has affected everything. it probably played a huge part in all of her destructive behaviors over the years. infidelity, lying, physical abuse, everything. i used to think i suffered from a rare condition because not many people even know what chronic cluster headaches are. but i have enough fingers and toes to count every person who has ever been diagnosed with the condition that my wife suffers from at her age. it will probably eventually kill her, and is already causing her to go blind. but thank god we finally figured it out. correct treatment has already made a huge difference. 

i didnt need my wife to make me happy. i have always wanted to share my joy with her. sometimes, it was hard for me to find my own joy, but that wasnt her fault. she wasnt the wrong person, we just had to figure it out. 

if your wife is willing to work with you, then she is probably your best bet. share your joy with her. see if you can bring her joy. every day, you get to choose what kind of man you will be. choose to be one you can be proud of. that other woman makes you feel good, but she is not helping you build a better marriage. she is not telling you how to go about improving your marriage, how to motivate your wife to improve your marriage. think about that. 

my wife is my soul mate, but not because she was born that way. its because we both wanted it bad enough. i trust her with everything that i am. 

learn to share your joy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bluedog76 said:


> I do have one friend at work and we have always been close and she is very attractive to me in many ways other then her looks, and I know I messed up and allowed her to get close and she tells me I deserve better, I need to be appreciated etc, and she is one I literally trust with my life, and have before. So the connection is hard.


Yeah, it's always easier to have an 'epiphany' when there's someone else you're giving your attention to.

I _*still *_think you married too young and that this won't end well - whether you're investing yourself in someone else or not, my initial opinion hasn't changed. I think it really just comes down to when you finally pull the plug.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> And there she is. The marriage wrecker. Of course you trust her, because she's telling you exactly what you want to hear. She is whispering lies into your ear.
> 
> I cannot believe you told your wife you don't love her while she is pregnant with your child. That is just cruel, because it will make her pregnancy harder while she is carrying your child.
> 
> Dump the woman who you trust and focus on your wife.


 With all due respect, the woman at work is not some kind of evil black widow spider who has rendered our hero, the OP, powerless under her malevolent spell because he's some kind of innocent little victim being lead down the garden path. 

He knows exactly what he's doing.

If he was grown up enough to get married and he was grown up enough to get his own home to live in and he was grown up enough to get his wife pregnant, then he's damned well grown up enough to know when he's acting *inappropriately*.

His actions are *100% on him*, not on the woman at work. If there IS such a person as the '_marriage wrecker_,' that would be the OP himself and no one else. Let's at least call a spade a spade, here.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bluedog76 said:


> I do agree with all of these statements, and advise I thank y’all for it for what’s its worth. Here is my next question, just a question not what I’m thinking. Is possible to marry the wrong person? Marrying young thinking it’s something it’s not, and etc. not a true sole mate? Just asking this from reading and watching videos etc, I have heard this. Opinions on this ?


Of course it's possible to marry the wrong person.

*Lots* of divorced people are living proof of that. I refuse to blow sunshine up your ass and tell you that your marriage can be a all rainbows and unicorns and you can magically fall in love with your wife again if you only go to therapy because that's just not true. It's not the magic cure for everything that ails you.

Your chances are as good as anyone else's who may be at a crossroads and not sure which way they want to go. In the end, it all depends on how badly you want it and you can't fake that no matter how hard you try. Faking it doesn't do anyone any favors, anyway - it just postpones the inevitable. Stay *authentic* to yourself and have the utmost respect and compassion for your wife in all that you do, OP.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I expect people telling you to leave because you don't deserve your wife and child or because they deserve better than you or whatever reason they give are right up your alley, just saying exactly what you want to hear. I don't believe you care what the excuse is to leave them so long as you have an excuse to leave them. The lame excuses you formulated in your head aren't acceptable to people, so you'll take THEIR advice and use THEIR lame excuses to leave for whatever reasons seem to be generally acceptable since somebody told you to do it. Still lame as hell, but you'll take whatever you can get.
> 
> I know people mean well, but some of you just signed this guy's divorce papers. No pregnant woman deserves that, nor a woman who has just given birth. But the deed is as good as done now.


 @StarFires I do see your logic and agree it is a strong possibility. 

Quite good I'd say.

OP,

Remember, no one is reinforcing your divorce but the fact one may say you're acting quite poorly regarding your part in your M.

Marriage can be hard work but is very much, can be, a source of joy you'll get in no other way.

Sharing one's life with another is great.

Shifting gears as a couple is much like changing to higher gears on a ten speed. As in the next gear may grind a sec before catching but soon that passes and smooth going is even faster and smoother. 

Each SO can contribute to a chain jumping off, by not pressing onwards.

I'm always for a M continuing unless totally smashed.

You can re-grease this chain, get things going again and help your M reach new, smoother, faster speeds.

Every action is YOUR CHOICE, you alone must take responsibility for your actions.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

I just read an interesting post by @TRy on another thread. It seemed to fit right in here.


TRy said:


> Is it possible that while posing as "just a friend" your current boyfriend was secretly pursuing you while you were married? If he were, he would tell you what you want to hear, and would encourage you to “hang on to” your farm, even at the expense of your marriage.
> 
> If you look at any of the many sites on how to steal another man's woman, the advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. Your current boyfriend not only let you vent to him about your man, but he let your man vent to him about you, thus being in a position to help encourage the conditions for a breakup. One site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.” Another site says to "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes”, and continues with “If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her". Does this sound familiar to you? Advising you to hang onto your farm while your "crazy" husband was asking you to sell, would fit this strategy perfectly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Bluedog, I'm sure you're feeling really confused and upside down right now. I don't blame you; you came here knowing what your problem was - your wife and your loss of feelings for her - and became inundated with people questioning your own actions and holding you to a higher standard than you probably feel like adhering to. After all, she's just a friend, right? 

But we're not here to tell you what you want to hear; we're here to tell you what you NEED to hear. And when you boil it down, it's this: you can't/shouldn't make any decisions affecting your family until you stop the effects of the limerance you're feeling from your 'friend.' Just end that and then see what's what, ok? You may not necessarily end up married; I personally think nobody should marry before they're 25. But you ARE married and you have a kid coming, so that ups the ante, doesn't it? Your decisions affect a lot of people now. 

So I'm just asking you to do one thing: Tell OW that you can't be her friend anymore, you've crossed a mental line and it isn't healthy, and you need to be clear-headed to think for yourself. Just do that one thing and take it from there.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You seriously don't want to and are mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and physiologically resisting, but it's really incumbent of you to make the effort to give it a sincere and honest try to make your marriage work, rather than being so determined to let it go just because some other woman has your head spinning. 

We here on the forum keep saying how wrong you are and keep telling you what you need to do, but I realized that you might not know how to go about doing it or exactly what the effort is that you need to put forth. In all other aspects of our lives, we receive instruction and training and wouldn't otherwise know what to do about anything or any situation, such as what to do in case of a fire or how to do our jobs or anything else. When it comes to marriage, there are no training manuals, but it isn't constructive for us to say what you need to do without also advising how you are to apply yourself. Again, I do understand you are resistant and don't want to put forth any effort, so you're simply going to have to resolve yourself to fake it til you make it and then it will become real and rewarding. You will find that you're receiving what you need from your wife and she's receiving what she needs from you. Below are specific instructions for you to incorporate each and every day, and you will receive a positive response from your wife.

As for other things that concern you, such as the things she does/says or doesn't do/doesn't say that you don't like, those can be discussed in marriage counseling. A good counselor should be able to help you understand each other better, improve communication skills, implement active listening skills along with conflict resolution skills, and to also know the things you each have to do or stop doing in order to become more respectful and considerate of each other. 

But first, you need to start getting your head in the right place and out of that other woman's coochie, so you have to apply the steps below on a daily basis. Yes, I know you don' want to. Just force yourself to do it anyway because one major key in marriage is to focus on the positive and to create positive and loving interactions even when you're not feeling positive or loving.

The following items were devised with help from articles at MarriageBuilders.com and other resources.


1. Commit yourself every day to letting go of old resentments and begin anew. Discuss serious issues in marriage counseling.

2. Call your wife from work just to say hi.

3. Say something nice to your wife every day in the way of a compliment.

4. If and when your makes says something nice, tell her you appreciate it.

5. Show affection in some form or another, such as a hug, a kiss, or place your arm around her while sitting on the sofa watching TV. 

6. If and when she gestures to show affection, return the gesture.

7. Do something nice for your wife each day without expecting her to do for you in return. Not expecting any form of reciprocation is the true meaning of unconditional love.

8. If and when she does something for you, tell her you appreciate it even if all she did was cook dinner, clean the bathroom, or washed your dirty laundry.

9. Tell her something you like about her.

10. Ask her to tell you something she likes about you.

11. Do something new each day with your wife, such as cooking together, his and her backrubs or foot rubs, watching a TV show/movie together that you don't normally watch. Alternate each day watching something she likes and watching something you like. 

12. Read at least one article per day at MarriageBuilders.com together. *Begin here* with the articles listed on the right. 

13. Share a laugh/joke with your wife or something funny that you noticed whether at work, in a store, on the road, something that occurred in the past, or wherever and whenever you noticed it. If she doesn't laugh, don't get angry. Maybe it was funny to you but not to her. Try again. Perhaps find some jokes online or watch a comedy show/video together. There are lots of them on YouTube, Hulu, Netflix, and OnDemand on TV.

14. Ask your wife at least one question that doesn't involve everyday subjects. You might know her favorite color or her favorite actor or her favorite movie or her favorite song, but those things have a tendency to change since the time you first got to know her. Ask her to ask you a question also.

15. Look in the mirror and vow to be a better person/man/husband/STB father. Life is not about what you want in the moment. It's about how you lived it all the way through and being proud of your decisions even when you preferred doing something different.

The Man In The Glass by Dale Wimbrow
When you get what you want in your struggle for self and the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself to see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass.

For the sake of your marriage, it's a good idea to take Dr. Harley's home study course Marriage Builders® Program #1 THE SIMPLEST WAY TO RESTORE LOVE TO YOUR MARRIAGE *here*.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: I’m Confused, hurt, and pretty much done*

Since you said the most cruel, inhumane, distressing, and unsupportive thing you could possibly say to your pregnant wife, you need to know what your role is, and you should conduct yourself accordingly. Whether you welcome the pregnancy or not is irrelevant. Whether you think it shouldn't have happened is irrelevant. Whether you think it's bad timing is irrelevant. Your wife is pregnant. Period.

1. Respond appropriately to the news that your wife is pregnant. Since you already blew this opportunity, apologize to your wife and tell you are delighted and you're looking forward to having this baby together....even if you are not delighted and are not looking forward to the baby.

2. Pamper her. Pregnancy is hard and will make her sore, tired, backaches, will cause swelling, and some women feel sick to their stomach throughout the pregnancy. Ask her often what does she need you to do. Give her backrubs and foot rubs and help her out of bed. Ask her often how she is feeling.

3. Do not do or say things that will cause her stress. 

4. Let her sleep as often as she needs to sleep.

5. Understand her morning sickness. Symptoms of morning sickness include headaches, excessive sleepiness, and of course feelings of nausea and vomiting. Morning sickness typically last until the twelfth to fourteenth week of pregnancy, but some women experience morning sickness their entire pregnancy. Although it is called morning sickness, it doesn’t occur only in the morning. Most women experience morning sickness all day long. You will need to be patient, understanding, and supportive.

6. Understand her food cravings and her aversions to certain foods and odors. Food items she used to like, she might not like them anymore. She might begin to crave and enjoy foods she never liked before. Smells that she could tolerate before might become intolerable. Be willing to make many trips to stores or restaurants, sometimes late at night or throughout the day.

7. Understand her frequent need to urinate. As the baby grows, she presses more and more on your wife's organs, particularly her bladder. She will need to use the bathroom very often and at the most inopportune times. These are not times for you to complain or act perturbed.

8. Tell her she’s beautiful and that you love her. Your wife will be undergoing some serious physical, mental, emotional, and hormonal transformations during pregnancy. Reassure her that you think she’s beautiful and that you love her immensely.

9. Attend doctor appointments with her. If it is truly impossible for you to attend all of them, then at least ask her about the appointment and how it went.

10. Attend birthing classes with her. You need to learn what they impart about pregnancy, labor, and childbirth.

11. Plan for the future together. Prepare for your daugher's arrival. Don't complain about the things your wife needs to buy.

12. Help her in labor. Read some books on what to expect when she is labor and what your supportive role should be. And be patient. If she cries, screams out in pain, yells at you or other people, it is all normal and she still needs your patience, care, and support.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP 

this really boils down to one of the oldest sayings around and is exactly what needs to be said here.

"the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, its greenest where you water/tend it"

I don't care what grievances you have with your wife....the fact is YOU stopped tending your own backyard and are now looking elsewhere for greener pastures, whether you realize it or can admit it to yourself or not.

stop getting the ego boost from the soon to be affair from your work friend and all the newly found over admiration of yourself from your physical condition. maybe if you put that much effort into your relationship you wouldn't be where you are now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

StarFires said:


> I expect people telling you to leave because you don't deserve your wife and child or because they deserve better than you or whatever reason they give are right up your alley, just saying exactly what you want to hear. I don't believe you care what the excuse is to leave them so long as you have an excuse to leave them. The lame excuses you formulated in your head aren't acceptable to people, so you'll take THEIR advice and use THEIR lame excuses to leave for whatever reasons seem to be generally acceptable since somebody told you to do it. Still lame as hell, but you'll take whatever you can get.
> 
> I know people mean well, but some of you just signed this guy's divorce papers. No pregnant woman deserves that, nor a woman who has just given birth. But the deed is as good as done now.


Cheaters are gonna cheat, no matter who says what. You think he’s going to have a sudden epiphany and realise he wants his pregnant wife? He’s in counselling and still on here making excuses. This maverick is halfway out the door and is unlikely to have the cahones to repair the damage already done. His wife may well be better off without him.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

Decorum said:


> Your wife can never complete with that "falling for someone " feeling you are having with your affair partner at work.
> 
> Heck she does not even know you have entered her into the competition.
> 
> So are you just going to be dishonest throughout marriage counseling so you can be disingenuous and say you made a heroic try?


...and the problem with your wife being the known and having to compete with the new and exotic will only change across your life in the sense that each new and exotic becomes the next known. What do you do when you actually catch your tail?


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

I'm really surprised that so few people focus on the fact that your wife is pregnant...apparently near 9 months, in a marriage only 3 years old. Gee, your feelings around her are changing, she doesn't try to lose weight and you're not having sex. Hmmmm...what could be a common denominator here???

Look, I have never bought into the pregnancy as being a free ticket to anything the wife wants, it was a mutual decision (even if unintended) so she bears her responsibility...BUT, that doesn't in any way mean that she isn't going through major changes from the hormones and other aspects of pregnancy (healthy weight gain among them). You certainly should be making reasonable accommodations at a minimum and much more if you love or even did love her. Whatever changes you are going or have gone through lately they are probably not greater than the ones she's going through.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

hptessla said:


> I'm really surprised that so few people focus on the fact that your wife is pregnant...apparently near 9 months, in a marriage only 3 years old. Gee, your feelings around her are changing, she doesn't try to lose weight and you're not having sex. Hmmmm...what could be a common denominator here???
> 
> Look, I have never bought into the pregnancy as being a free ticket to anything the wife wants, it was a mutual decision (even if unintended) so she bears her responsibility...BUT, that doesn't in any way mean that she isn't going through major changes from the hormones and other aspects of pregnancy (healthy weight gain among them). You certainly should be making reasonable accommodations at a minimum and much more if you love or even did love her. Whatever changes you are going or have gone through lately they are probably not greater than the ones she's going through.


Fair point. Seeing my wife pregnant had the opposite effect on me ha ha, and we had 4 kids. I think I would have had another just because of it, lol.


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