# Do you take rejection personally?



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I've noticed this same pattern that has gone on for years and I'm having a hell of time breaking the cycle. Sex life improves for a few days or a few weeks, and then at some point my wife makes a joke, I feel rejected and then withdraw. 

Would you take these personally or is it me being thin skinned?

- Initiating morning sex and wife lays there and says "put it in" or something similar. It's meant as a "joke" but I take it as dismissive. 
- I try initiating sex and get "again?" in a this-is-a-burdeon kind of voice.
- I've noticed most situation where I've set up an expectation of sex in advance, such as flirting, or "communicating" desire during the day ends up with me feeling hurt and rejected. 

I'll mostly avoid flirting with her, and am consciously about not setting any expectation of sex because I don't want to feel rejected. Then I cave, start to initiate and it goes well for a bit, get my feelings hurt, withdraw. Repeat. 

I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

It kills me. I feel like a leper most of the time.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

In my opinion, she is engaging in emotional warfare and using sex as a weapon to do so. It's one of the lowest things someone can do in a relationship in my book. It isn't so much "rejection" as an attempt to control you through disastrously emotionally manipulative means. 

I wouldn't be "offended" so much as "livid".

If she is ACTUALLY making such statements as a "joke" then she lacks enough empathy that I'd being looking at terms like "sociopath".

~Jeff


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

For me it only hurts after a period of constant rejection. Once in a while, I don't mind at all (though my wife tends to say no a lot nicer than your wife).

It's just when it's been a string of noes over days that it starts to sting, and the longer the chain of rejection goes on the more it hurts.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.


My friend, if you live honestly, act in good conscious and treat others as you want to be treated, then your feelings are always legit.

The world has a way of gas lighting us from the beginning.


If it pisses you off, let her know.

Who knows, it may turn her on.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> In my opinion, she is engaging in emotional warfare and using sex as a weapon to do so. It's one of the lowest things someone can do in a relationship in my book. It isn't so much "rejection" as an attempt to control you through disastrously emotionally manipulative means.
> 
> I wouldn't be "offended" so much as "livid".
> 
> ...


:iagree:

she has issues and TS needs to realize (he likely has) this is a major issue.


I will say this there exists better women out there


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Why don't you return the favor when she wants something from you? Give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she likes it. Chances are she will let her feelings be known at which point you can then bring up her behavior.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It feels insulting, demeaning, and disrespectful because that was her intention. Your feelings are not defective. Your wife is. On the rare occasion you get sex, she will make sure you endure a little suffering before you get it. In her fantasy world, she reigns supreme and rightfully consumes everything she wants from you (which will never be as much as she believes she deserves), but how dare you expect anything from her?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Call her out on this. Tell her that it's not acceptable. If she tries to play it off as a joke, don't accept that. Man up and jerk a knot in her tail.

What if you tried something like that on a topic that she's sensitive about. If she's like most women, she's sensitive about her weight. What if you started making comments like, "wide load" when you saw her coming down the hall? I mean, that's just a joke, right? She probably wouldn't be upset by that. Or would she?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In your case the rejection IS personal. And your feelings are legit. She's being incredibly insensitive and mean.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry - Forgot to add the usual disclaimer: 

I'm not looking for insults or negative comments about my wife. Just perspective and others experiences. 

Thx for the comments.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Her statements are not jokes, they are passive agressive ways of rejecting you. They lack the tact of honesty and make it seem and feel like she is not just rejecting the specific instance, but also each instance (that she did it last time so that she would not have to do it this time). If you can discuss with her that her "jokes" are not funny and she should instead be honest, you'd be in a better place.

But, it seems like a larger discussion needs to be had - whether she is truly interested or just placating you.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Wow, I can't believe the person who is supposed to love you said these things so casually. I would have a serious discussion with her, and say in no uncertain terms that a good sex life is crucial to marriage. It is not a matter for middle school type jokes.

Is resentment at the root of this? I would dig and find out why she has this attitude.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How does she act outside of the bedroom? 

I understand you feel rejected and hurt and you should, but you need to find out what the root of the issue is. Something must be going on if she feels she has to make remarks like those and pass them off as jokes.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sanity,

Been there, done (doing) that and got the T-Shirt (BTW, read the books, did the counseling & filled out the worksheets too!)

I often did like you and caved and would start to intiate again and like you, things went well for a while. Eventually it was back to the same old same old where we are no (it's been a little over 3 weeks).

I haven't intiated during these three weeks (yes, I know that no intiating = no sex) but I have grown tired of being rejected because there's just one more thing that has to get done, one more email to send, one more text to send. It sometimes seemed that sex was just another chore for her to do (she once said to me after a slightly extended period of time because I thought she had her period "Oh, I'm not having my period. I thought you were giving me a break")

Right now is her "busy" season so I am waiting until very beginning of June before going down this road for the last time. In the meantime, I no longer hold her hand as we sit and watch TV (and she's only reached out for mine maybe 2 times) nor do I reach out to her when we are in bed (again, she's reached out for me maybe 2 times). I no longer hug her or give her a smack on her butt (she once told me that she thought that any touching (especially in bed) lead to sex.

Short answer is it's not you. It's all her
Trying to do more just for me, going out with friends without her


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> I've noticed this same pattern that has gone on for years and I'm having a hell of time breaking the cycle. Sex life improves for a few days or a few weeks, and then at some point my wife makes a joke, I feel rejected and then withdraw.
> 
> Would you take these personally or is it me being thin skinned?
> 
> ...


Absolutely. I have had exactly the same experiences myself. But I've always thought that it's more because I'm more sensitive to rejection (professional, personal, etc.) and embarrassment myself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> I'm not looking for insults or negative comments about my wife.


Why are you protecting her?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Why are you protecting her?


Because she's his wife? :scratchhead:

Not wanting to put words into the OP's mouth, but most people can think of insults or negative comments themselves without any help from other people

Positive suggestions however are often easier to come by from others.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> Why are you protecting her?


Because she's my wife and I love her. And I don't see any gain getting caught up in a vicious pack mentality that is projecting their own pain onto my situation. 

I think there is a lot value in understanding the experiences of others, but what I don't understand is why people tolerate strangers being abusive/insulting to their spouse in the first place.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Your feelings are completely legitimate. I can't imagine telling my husband to "put it in" or saying "again?" to him like it's a chore. Women like this blow my mind.
> 
> Occasionally I'll tell him to "just hurry up and get it over with," but it's during clown sex and he totally knows I'm joking.
> 
> This is emotional manipulation on her part and she knows very well she's being cruel and cutting when she says those things. That is awful.


Respectfully, how is this different? You're joking, she's joking. If your husband got his feelings hurt after making that crack is it on you or him?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Because she's my wife and I love her. And I don't see any gain getting caught up in a vicious pack mentality that is projecting their own pain onto my situation.
> 
> I think there is a lot value in understanding the experiences of others, but what I don't understand is why people tolerate strangers being abusive/insulting to their spouse in the first place.


There often is a projection mentality here. However, third-party hostility can serve a useful purpose.

You seem to be here for help with your wonderful wife, whom you love very much, who just has this tiny flaw of abusing you. Perhaps the anger of outside parties toward your wife will open your eyes to the fact that, if she's willing to treat the man she claims to love above all others so coldly and rudely, with less respect than she would likely show a stranger, then perhaps she's not quite as lovely a person as you believe her to be.

So, my constructive advice to you is, take your wife off the pedestal you've built for her. Think up some reasonable boundaries for yourself and start taking your less-than-perfect wife to task for crossing your boundaries.

Best case scenario is that your wife starts to show you some respect and even becomes sexually attracted to you. Worst case scenario is that your wife leaves you, or forces you to leave her. At that point, you won't have anyone to belittle you sexually anymore.

As an aside, have your relative situations changed since you married? Have you put on a lot of weight? Has your wife become the primary earner? Or would you say that you have each maintained a similar sex rank to each other over the course of your marriage? If you were both 7s when you married, but now she's an 8 and you're a 6, then that could explain her hostility toward you. But, that's a much longer fix of working out, earning more, etc. It could take you years to become as relatively attractive as your wife if you've significantly fallen behind.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

You are allowed to feel however you feel but no one should make you feel that way. You may not be able to control how others act but you can control how you react and feel. Stop letting it bother you and soon enough she will stop with the nonsense. I hate to say it but it reminds me of a kid's rhyme... Sticks and stones may break my bones, etc. Your wife is just using words...let it roll off you and try not to dwell. She is playing childish antics..very immature in my opinion. You are a grown man and deserve respect so blow off her "jokes", hit the gym and work out those sad feelings..then don't let it bother you anymore...even bullies stop bullying once they no longer are a threat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> Because she's my wife and I love her. And I don't see any gain getting caught up in a vicious pack mentality that is projecting their own pain onto my situation.
> 
> I think there is a lot value in understanding the experiences of others, but what I don't understand is why people tolerate strangers being abusive/insulting to their spouse in the first place.


Interesting. You are not willing to put up with strangers abusing/insulting your wife, but are willing to let your wife abuse/insult you. Think about why that is.

A great way to determine whether something is approprirate is the third date rule. If your wife did that on your second date, would there have been a third? If not, then she has crossed a line.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Yeah, sometimes.

Last Tuesday, things were, uh... hotting up. I went to go clean up and get ready... 

and she was asleep. At 8:30pm.

And this happened again, the next night, in almost the same exact way.

If she was sick or extra tired or something, I could look past it... but, the rest of the week, she had no problem maintaining a normal sleep schedule. It wasn't because she was sick or extra tired.


We're "okay" now, but yeah, this happening two nights in a row does not do much for my self esteem. Pulled away from her pretty hard and did my own thing until the weekend.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.


How is your self esteem otherwise? If you tend to be on the more negative side, even a small remark might seem much bigger than what it is. Of course, if this is the case, she should know you well enough to realize this.

Not to mention the tone of voice, or body language. Oh boy do those make a big difference.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Because she's my wife and I love her. And I don't see any gain getting caught up in a vicious pack mentality that is projecting their own pain onto my situation.


I think this embodies a significant portion of TAM posts. There's a lot of people who project their own experiences onto everybody else. It can provide insight, but you have to learn to filter out the bad with the good.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Oh my god such wimps..... So you want more sex than her.... Is that really a terrible thing???? 

Maybe I am too beta for some of the studs on this site..... I just dust myself off and try again later. 

I consider myself luck I have a desirable, very attractive wife, wake up every morning with a hard-on (knock on wood), know she has no interest in any other men and when we do do the nasty everything works on both sides......:smthumbup:

Grow a pair and stop taking it personally.... or leave....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Do you take rejection personally?


My husband was always very sensitive to sexual rejection, heck he was even sensitive to feeling I MIGHT reject him... which was really overkill... but you know what.... I love a sensitive man! So this is not an issue for me, I wouldn't want a guy who didn't FEEL anything. But yeah, rejection HURTS...but just shows you have deep feelings and are human in my book. 

I didn't even realize how bad he was feeling -for many years because he kept it all inside, and was so quiet about his needs. Those days are forever history. 

Me....I wouldn't handle it well at all... I am very vocal about how I feel, very difficult to contain. I would go out of my way to be a Pleaser to his every whim.....and if that didn't work, likely cry myself to sleep ....or start a brawl over it. 

A low drive man would never be able to put up with me!


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Seeking Sanity I feel your pain. I have a W that can act very cold towards me and until we went to MC she did not even understand the hurt she causes me. To make matters worse she more or less emotionally abuses me by begging me not to go to MC with her. I feel belittled by her attitude. When I give my wife gifts she starts on a cycle of 'oneupmanship' and thinks she has to match my gift giving with gifts to me. I would rather long hugs or kisses.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lonesomegra said:


> Seeking Sanity I feel your pain. I have a W that can act very cold towards me and until we went to MC she did not even understand the hurt she causes me. To make matters worse she more or less emotionally abuses me by begging me not to go to MC with her. I feel belittled by her attitude. When I give my wife gifts she starts on a cycle of 'oneupmanship' and thinks she has to match my gift giving with gifts to me. I would rather long hugs or kisses.


Typical story.... you married a Gift woman, likely she is "Acts of service" as well with your love languages on the floor- it is not how she feels love and typically we GIVE what we WANT in return..

... and YOU are a Phyiscal Toucher deep within your heart. I swear this is a huge huge huge factor when people are dating.. they should be careful to date those who have these love languages in a very similar order.... cause so much suffering seems to come after the vows.. just not understanding each other...because they speak 2 different languages.


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