# Looking Forward to Sex



## BioFury

So I was visiting with my mother a few days ago, and the topic of sex came up. She said that women don't drive home from work thinking "I can't wait to get home and have sex with my husband". In fact, the idea was so ridiculous to her that she burst into hysterical laughter.

While there are some women out there who are sexually disinterested or repressed, that hasn't been my experience personally. So I thought I'd get input from the ladies here. Most of you, from my walking around the forum, are sex positive. So I thought I'd ask about your friends. Do your female friends and acquaintances look forward to and enjoy sex? Or could they take it or leave it?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Most of my friends, and myself, want and look forward to sex. 

The rest enjoy sex and want it but can't stand coming home, doing cooking and dishes and kids and then going to bed to get "poked" by their husbands wanting sex. 
Their dislike is because of his lack of attention and help and not sex in general


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## Mr. Nail

I'm on a reduced schedule because "things keep coming up". For example Folding laundry that has been sitting in a basket for 3 days. 
Now I could have taken care of it, but then there would have been something else. My point about the whole sex question is, People always find time and energy for the tings they value most. So if cleaning is more pleasurable to you than sex that is what you will do first. If punishing your partner is more pleasurable to you than sex then that is what you will choose. 
I'm sure there are plenty of women who don't think about or anticipate sex. It is Low on their priority list. If they want to pretend it is about vacuuming the carpet in the wrong direction, I guess it lowers their guilt for doing what they want, and avoiding what they don't want.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

My kids need to eat, my home needs to be cleaned. I sure as heck would rather he got off his butt to do his half so I'd have more time to relax and have sex but if he doesn't he better not be poking me later on to get some.


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## Deperatedwoman

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Most of my friends, and myself, want and look forward to sex.
> 
> The rest enjoy sex and want it but can't stand coming home, doing cooking and dishes and kids and then going to bed to get "poked" by their husbands wanting sex.
> Their dislike is because of his lack of attention and help and not sex in general


Exactly!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My kids need to eat, my home needs to be cleaned. I sure as heck would rather he got off his butt to do his half so I'd have more time to relax and have sex but if he doesn't he better not be poking me later on to get some.


Perfectly reasonable and logical.

But that doesn't help all the guys who do do half around the house, especially those with SAHMs _who have no responsibilities outside the home_.


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## WorkingOnMe

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My kids need to eat, my home needs to be cleaned. I sure as heck would rather he got off his butt to do his half so I'd have more time to relax and have sex but if he doesn't he better not be poking me later on to get some.


There are countless men who have been told this and responded by doing everything they're supposed to do and more, only to find that there's another excuse. Actions speak louder than words. Almost every sex starved man on this website claims that they do more of their fair share of housework for this very reason. And they're still confused why they're not getting it. So I look at this argument as a red herring. It very much appears that getting off your butt and doing his half leads to zero change. As Mr. Nail said, if it's important to you, you'll do it regardless. If it's not important, you'll make excuses about housework, then make more excuses if he does the housework.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Perfectly reasonable and logical.
> 
> But that doesn't help all the guys who do do half around the house, especially those with SAHMs _who have no responsibilities outside the home_.


That's not the situation of the friends I was talking about though. Most women who work are still doing more than 50% of the household work. My friends unfortunately are in that group. 
I used to be. 

I live on my own now and it is a lot easier for me to be a single mom than it was when I lived with my ex. He did less than he created.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> That's not the situation of the friends I was talking about though. Most women who work are still doing more than 50% of the household work. My friends unfortunately are in that group.
> I used to be.
> 
> I live on my own now and it is a lot easier for me to be a single mom than it was when I lived with my ex. He did less than he created.


I suspect many end up here because they feel something is askew and they're on the losing end. So most of us on these boards are probably more on the "giver" than the "taker" end of the spectrum, regardless of gender.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

WorkingOnMe said:


> There are countless men who have been told this and responded by doing everything they're supposed to do and more, only to find that there's another excuse. Actions speak louder than words. Almost every sex starved man on this website claims that they do more of their fair share of housework for this very reason. And they're still confused why they're not getting it. So I look at this argument as a red herring. It very much appears that getting off your butt and doing his half leads to zero change. As Mr. Nail said, if it's important to you, you'll do it regardless. If it's not important, you'll make excuses about housework, then make more excuses if he does the housework.


Here is the problem with many of those situations

They finally get off their butt to do it and they want a reward. They think doing dishes should now get them sex. F-no. That's your job, you're doing it so I have at least enough basic respect for you as a man to be able to look at you. 
Doing it does not solve years of resentment, Not doing it will continue to add resentment. 

They need to do their job and not think of it as working for sex or doing things "for her". It's being a man, a grown adult. If you haven't been being a man and she's been your Mommy, don't expect her to want sex from you for a while. It'll take consistent work and fixing once it has gotten to such a point.


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## EleGirl

Moved this thread to general discussion forum because polls are not allowed in the SIM forum.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Here is the problem with many of those situations
> 
> They finally get off their butt to do it and they want a reward. They think doing dishes should now get them sex. F-no. That's your job, you're doing it so I have at least enough basic respect for you as a man to be able to look at you.
> Doing it does not solve years of resentment, Not doing it will continue to add resentment.
> 
> They need to do their job and not think of it as working for sex or doing things "for her". It's being a man, a grown adult. If you haven't been being a man and she's been your Mommy, don't expect her to want sex from you for a while. It'll take consistent work and fixing once it has gotten to such a point.


Perfectly reasonable and logical.

But that doesn't help all the guys who did it all along not as a quid pro quo, but because they honestly wanted to be good partners, and to ease the burdens on the ones they love. 

And woke up one day with an epiphany ... hey, wth am I getting out of all this effort?


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## EleGirl

BioFury said:


> So I was visiting with my mother a few days ago, and the topic of sex came up. She said that women don't drive home from work thinking "I can't wait to get home and have sex with my husband". In fact, the idea was so ridiculous to her that she burst into hysterical laughter.
> 
> While there are some women out there who are sexually disinterested or repressed, that hasn't been my experience personally. So I thought I'd get input from the ladies here. Most of you, from my walking around the forum, are sex positive. So I thought I'd ask about your friends. Do your female friends and acquaintances look forward to and enjoy sex? Or could they take it or leave it?


In my experience, me & my female friends, most women do think about and anticipate having sex with their husbands/SO's.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Perfectly reasonable and logical.
> 
> But that doesn't help all the guys who did it all along not as a quid pro quo, but because they honestly wanted to be good partners, and to ease the burdens on the ones they love.
> 
> And woke up one day with an epiphany ... hey, wth am I getting out of all this effort?


Sure but for this I'm only talking about the specific situations my friends are in (and I was in) 
There are lots of reasons for sexless. 
The only women I know who don't get excited for sex is because of lazy husbands. The rest are very sexual women. Even the ones who are mad about the poking are sexual and frustrated but don't want sex with a man who comes to bed after not helping with anything all day and pokes her - literally 2 of them say he physically pokes her - to get sex.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

EleGirl said:


> In my experience, me & my female friends, most women do think about and anticipate having sex with their husbands/SO's.


My wife, who is quite LD, has said the same thing to me. While she's not wanting to do it with great frequency, when the time rolls around, she thinks about it with great anticipation until it happens.

So it seems even those who may be "less sexual" appear to have positive thoughts.


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## Satya

I can attest to anticipating sex when Odo comes home. I've been known to tackle him with the dogs when he walks in the door.


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## BioFury

Satya said:


> I can attest to anticipating sex when Odo comes home. I've been known to tackle him with the dogs when he walks in the door.


What about female friends of yours? How do they describe their feelings about sex?


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## MJJEAN

My friends and I have always been very open about sex and I can say that, yes, they think about and anticipate sex. The ones who don't drive home thinking about it are the ones who pulled their spouses into a dark corner of the parking lot before driving home.


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## MAJDEATH

I remember the last time I was fighting with the W, had moved out and filed for D. She was about to lose her 6-figure meal ticket.

She wanted to come over, I said no thanks. She promised all kinds of sex, everything and then some. So apparently, if the ladies have the proper motivation they are really looking forward to it!


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## veganmermaid

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Here is the problem with many of those situations
> 
> 
> 
> They finally get off their butt to do it and they want a reward. They think doing dishes should now get them sex. F-no. That's your job, you're doing it so I have at least enough basic respect for you as a man to be able to look at you.
> 
> Doing it does not solve years of resentment, Not doing it will continue to add resentment.
> 
> 
> 
> They need to do their job and not think of it as working for sex or doing things "for her". It's being a man, a grown adult. If you haven't been being a man and she's been your Mommy, don't expect her to want sex from you for a while. It'll take consistent work and fixing once it has gotten to such a point.




Exactly this. My husband is so transparent - he'll help with one tiny thing and then immediately want me to drop everything and have sex. Then he won't lift a finger for the next 3 days til he's in the mood again. It's infuriating.

(FTR I am the sole breadwinner and have been for several years.)


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## musiclover

When I was married, sex was expected. No I didn't look forward to it. I did everything around the house no exaggeration. So I was resentful. 

Now, yes I look forward to it. I have someone who takes care of himself and I'm not exhausted when I see him


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yep. 
Not doing your work around the house means you aren't getting laid. 

That doesn't mean doing it will get you laid. 

That's an important distinction. People think if housework made us NOT want sex then doing it will make us want sex. Not exactly. 

I've never done the dishes and expected diamond earrings. I just did them. Men never noticed when I did them. Didn't get a prize. Didn't get praised. Didn't make him so turned on he needed to go down on me right then. It was just expected. You 

But they'd notice if I'm lazy and don't cook or clean. Long enough of that and he'd be pretty mad. House going to crap, kids hungry, no groceries, homework doesn't get done, kids just stay up and run around in dirty clothes with no discipline. No towels or shampoo or soap cause I didn't do laundry or shop. Kids don't get woken up for school and go without a lunch. 

Pretty sure I wouldn't be so desirable then. 

Neglecting your responsibilities is not a turn on. But that doesn't mean doing it always gives you a prize. Your prize is being a respectable adult.


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## aine

Many of my friends couldn't care less and do not see it as something important to the H and the marriage, which is puzzling to me. Many of my friends are Asian, seems to quite common. Separate bedrooms after children are reared, no sex, etc.
I like sex alot in itself, though it helps if the H is caring and attentive that day, moods, fights etc are off putting tbh. 
I also notice, if I take care of that department, he takes care of me and is willing to do things, not necessarily housework, but stuff for the house, sort out bills, run errands, etc. In other words he wants me to be happy. He mentioned recently that when we were younger and he was more hornier I was less accommodating, and would flat out reject him, then I didn't realize its importance.
The bottom line is that sex helps the bonding process and willingness of the H and I don't see why so many wives do not get this.
We have problems in our marriage, sure but they are compounded if there is no sex, I like sex, he likes sex, so ....................


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## MrsHolland

I no longer work out of the house but work PT from home so he is the one driving home but I love to send a txt when he is on the way telling him what I am thinking about. I do think about him coming home and getting my big squishy kiss and cuddle. Neither of us is allowed to walk in the door without a hug and a kiss. 

I think about having sex a fair bit even while I am doing the house work. Oh and as to the house work issue, MrH does a lot around the house even though he works full time, we cook together most nights that we are both home and he will usually clean the kitchen afterwards. 
We do a lot together, for our family and for each other.


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## Satya

BioFury said:


> What about female friends of yours? How do they describe their feelings about sex?


Well, my best friend is very sexual. Monogamous and has been in a relationship for the last 7 years. From her description, sex is not an issue for them at all. 

Then my good childhood friend, with two kids (possibly trying for 3rd) hasn't had sex with her husband in months. She says he started accusing her of cheating (and we mostly know what that really means). I've tried to speak with her about the importance of regular sex for bonding, but she's been firmly stuck in mommy mode for so long and she's gone off of sex. This is a woman who used to be amazingly wild in her 20s. She does get help from her breadwinner hubby, too... He helps a lot at home, so I honestly don't know what's going on there. She rarely reaches out or responds to me now. 

My other women friends don't really discuss sex, but they've alluded to a pretty healthy sex life. Knowing their personalities, they are probably not the initiators. The first friend I mentioned, is. 

So honestly, it's a mixed bag.


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## She'sStillGotIt

BioFury said:


> So I was visiting with my mother a few days ago, and the topic of sex came up. She said that women don't drive home from work thinking "I can't wait to get home and have sex with my husband". In fact, the idea was so ridiculous to her that she burst into hysterical laughter.


I agree with your mother. While there are exceptions to every rule of course, for the average working married wife, she's more than likely on her way home from work doing menu planning for dinner in her head, thinking about throwing in a load of laundry or having to empty the dishwasher before she does anything else, she may be on her way to daycare to pick up her kid(s), or she's got to stop at the grocery store to pick up something for dinner before she gets home. 

For the average woman, leaving the office at 5pm just means she's beginning her *2nd* job.


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## C3156

aine said:


> I also notice, if I take care of that department, he takes care of me and is willing to do things, not necessarily housework, but stuff for the house, sort out bills, run errands, etc. In other words he wants me to be happy. He mentioned recently that when we were younger and he was more hornier I was less accommodating, and would flat out reject him, then I didn't realize its importance.
> The bottom line is that sex helps the bonding process and willingness of the H and I don't see why so many wives do not get this.
> We have problems in our marriage, sure but they are compounded if there is no sex, I like sex, he likes sex, so ....................


Wow, I wish that more wives would realize what you have written. Granted some men are just lazy, but I suspect a vast majority would do far more if there wives would meet their emotional needs (love language) of physical touch. I know that my wife and I get along so much better if sex is a regular thing.

I get that it needs to be reciprocated as well.


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## Spitfire

It seems like in a lot of cases it's assumed that if a wife says her husband is lazy and that's why he doesn't get sex it's the truth. In my case my wife regularly says "I do everything around here!" Or "All I do is work here!". I can honestly tell you nothing could be further from the truth. The minute I get home I'm cleaning up after the dog, going inside to help with dinner, cleaning up after dinner (most of the time while she watches the news), playing with the kids and doing laundry. But I'm sure having sex only once a month is my fault. I'm probably a "Nice Guy" lol, isn't there a book I should read? I wonder if there's a book for women who don't understand that if you're rarely having sex with your husband he probably isn't going to be interested in fulfilling your acts of service love language.


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## GuyInColorado

Look around. The majority of females over 30 years old (well over 50%) are moms and have given up on life. They've let themselves go. They are grossly overweight. They wear ugly clothing to hide their rolls. They sleep, work or stay home, put up with annoying kids, take them to practices/games/events, and repeat. Sex is probably the last thing on their mind. They don't feel sexy or desired by their man. The husbands can't wait to go to work each morning to forget about their crappy home life. 

Children are a marriage killer. As a divorced dad, I see it everywhere now. My eyes are wide open. My ex wife has blown up 2x since I divorced her, and she was a fatty back then. Now, this isn't all women. Just a majority and the obese stats say I'm right. I definitely notice the hot moms at my kid's schools who take care of themselves, so they are out there. It's like a hot mom club, they all hang out together.


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## Fozzy

Satya said:


> Well, my best friend is very sexual. Monogamous and has been in a relationship for the last 7 years. From her description, sex is not an issue for them at all.
> 
> Then my good childhood friend, with two kids (possibly trying for 3rd) hasn't had sex with her husband in months. She says he started accusing her of cheating (and we mostly know what that really means). I've tried to speak with her about the importance of regular sex for bonding, but she's been firmly stuck in mommy mode for so long and she's gone off of sex. This is a woman who used to be amazingly wild in her 20s. She does get help from her breadwinner hubby, too... He helps a lot at home, so I honestly don't know what's going on there. She rarely reaches out or responds to me now.
> 
> My other women friends don't really discuss sex, but they've alluded to a pretty healthy sex life. Knowing their personalities, they are probably not the initiators. The first friend I mentioned, is.
> 
> So honestly, it's a mixed bag.


Fascinating.

It's as though different people in different situations will respond differently. And that perhaps gross generalizations of lazy husbands or fat frigid wives are not always as relevant as we think.

Or something. :nerd:


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## RideofmyLife

For us, one of the reasons I might avoid sex is when I feel my husband is unduly harsh with the children. He yells so loudly that my one daughter plugs her ears if she's sitting next to him. I've told him many times he can speak firmly without the volume and anger and he's working on it, but it does tank any sexy feelings I may be having at the moment. 

Despite that, he's working full time and takes care of outside chores. He's also going back to school part time. I work part time and am also in school, so we're busy. Lack of chores getting done don't really play a part in how I feel about sex. We don't have those intense lustful in love feelings anymore, as we've been married 17 years, but we still have a fairly active sex life. At least a couple times a week. I know my libido is fairly low, so sometimes I'll edge for a few days to ramp myself up and that makes sex so much more fun and exciting and I'll initiate a ton more. We don't do that all the time, but when we do it's amazing.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Acts of service is things you do on top of your 50% of the housework. 

There was a study where many men said they did 50% but actually didn't. I can find it later on my computer. 

It takes a lot to run a home. 
Meal plan, shopping, budget, making kids lunch, cooking, organizing, dusting, sweeping, mopping, windows, toilets, mirrors, etc 

I once wrote them all out and put them in groups, asking my ex to pick half from each group. He didn't of course but was shocked there were so many. 

It's more than dishes and laundry. 

Men should be doing it regardless of getting sex. It's just their job. It's our job and we do it without getting our needs met. 
They should realize they aren't doing it FOR HER but because it's their job. 

If her need is acts of service you do things on top of your job.


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## farsidejunky

Fozzy said:


> Fascinating.
> 
> It's as though different people in different situations will respond differently. And that perhaps gross generalizations of lazy husbands or fat frigid wives are not always as relevant as we think.
> 
> Or something. :nerd:


Say it ain't so...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Oh and I remembered one friend's reason why she doesn't look forward to sex - he's not good in bed. She'd love to look forward to sex. 

So yes, all my female friends want and enjoy and look forward to sex but things he does, or doesn't do, can lower their desire to have it with him. 

That's roughly 20 women ages 30-50, vanilla, all with kids ages 0-adult. Married various amounts of time. A few divorced and in bf/gf relationships now. 

All my kinky friends of course love sex and everything to do with it and have much different reasons for it and when they don't want it but I'm only thinking of my vanilla friends for this.


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## uhtred

Not all situations are the same. Some women are too tired / busy for sex. Others don't want sex even though they have the time. 




WorkingOnMe said:


> There are countless men who have been told this and responded by doing everything they're supposed to do and more, only to find that there's another excuse. Actions speak louder than words. Almost every sex starved man on this website claims that they do more of their fair share of housework for this very reason. And they're still confused why they're not getting it. So I look at this argument as a red herring. It very much appears that getting off your butt and doing his half leads to zero change. As Mr. Nail said, if it's important to you, you'll do it regardless. If it's not important, you'll make excuses about housework, then make more excuses if he does the housework.


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## uhtred

That is a problem too. I've never understood people who don't make an effort to be great lovers. How can their pride stand not being good in bed. 

Trying doesn't guarantee success, but I think it goes a very long way towards success. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Oh and I remembered one friend's reason why she doesn't look forward to sex - he's not good in bed. She'd love to look forward to sex.
> 
> So yes, all my female friends want and enjoy and look forward to sex but things he does, or doesn't do, can lower their desire to have it with him.
> 
> That's roughly 20 women ages 30-50, vanilla, all with kids ages 0-adult. Married various amounts of time. A few divorced and in bf/gf relationships now.
> 
> All my kinky friends of course love sex and everything to do with it and have much different reasons for it and when they don't want it but I'm only thinking of my vanilla friends for this.


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## Faithful Wife

uhtred said:


> That is a problem too. I've never understood people who don't make an effort to be great lovers. How can their pride stand not being good in bed.
> 
> Trying doesn't guarantee success, but I think it goes a very long way towards success.


Sadly, for some people, "making an effort" isn't going to make them be a good or better lover. Some people just simply don't have any mojo and no amount of effort is going to change this. I've only been with one lover like this, and I literally dreaded sex every time we were supposed to do it.

Otherwise, with every other partner I've had including the short term ones, I ALWAYS look forward to sex, I literally count the minutes. As of right now, I have about 35 hours until the next time I get some nookie. tick tock tick tock....


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## thefam

Well since I haven't seen my husband in over a month it's all I've been thinking about in my spare time for about 29 days. My friends use to discuss sex but now that we're all married FINALLY that seems to be off the table. I was the first to get married and never did discuss our sex life after marriage; I just listened to them go on and on about theirs. 

Oh and connecting sex life to housework is so bizarre to me. Sex is the expression of the marriage connection to me so I just don't link it with housework. As a SAHM I look at housework as my 9 to 5 and make sure I get it done while H is at work. And yes I have 3 kids 3 and under. I do understand that housework is not every SAHM's cup of tea and so they are just not going to take it all on their shoulders. But linking sex to housework seems so UNsexy to me. I guess that's probably because I want it almost as much and as often as he does...almost


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

thefam said:


> Well since I haven't seen my husband in over a month it's all I've been thinking about in my spare time for about 29 days. My friends use to discuss sex but now that we're all married FINALLY that seems to be off the table. I was the first to get married and never did discuss our sex life after marriage; I just listened to them go on and on about theirs.
> 
> Oh and connecting sex life to housework is so bizarre to me. Sex is the expression of the marriage connection to me so I just don't link it with housework. As a SAHM I look at housework as my 9 to 5 and make sure I get it done while H is at work. And yes I have 3 kids 3 and under. I do understand that housework is not every SAHM's cup of tea and so they are just not going to take it all on their shoulders. But linking sex to housework seems so UNsexy to me. I guess that's probably because I want it almost as much and as often as he does...almost


3 kids under three an you're still up for sex almost as much as him? 
:allhail:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Typically the women who are complaining about housework are not SAHMs. That then becomes their job. 

It's the women who already work a full time job and then have to come home to do all the housework and kids on their own.


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## thefam

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> 3 kids under three an you're still up for sex almost as much as him?
> :allhail:


LOL but yep. Right now all the stars and planets have aligned so they're all napping at the same time...and you see what thread I'm reading for today.


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## thefam

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Typically the women who are complaining about housework are not SAHMs. That then becomes their job.
> 
> It's the women who already work a full time job and then have to come home to do all the housework and kids on their own.


Yeah I get it but I did all the housework when I was working and we didn't have kids. Except for when the occasional vacuuming because he likes to put those "symmetrical carpet lines" in the carpet. He does take care of the cars, the yard work and repairs and we share equally in taking care of the kids when he's home. BUT even when we first got married and lived in an apartment I did it all because he was always doing some type of side hustle to build our savings.

So he's never really cooked or done housework but TBH I never really had a thought to turn down sex in connection with housework (or any other reason for that matter)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

thefam said:


> Yeah I get it but I did all the housework when I was working and we didn't have kids. Except for when the occasional vacuuming because he likes to put those "symmetrical carpet lines" in the carpet. He does take care of the cars, the yard work and repairs and we share equally in taking care of the kids when he's home. BUT even when we first got married and lived in an apartment I did it all because he was always doing some type of side hustle to build our savings.
> 
> So he's never really cooked or done housework but TBH I never really had a thought to turn down sex in connection with housework (or any other reason for that matter)


Your comparing apples to oranges and because you have never been in that situation you wont see how sex and housework can be connected. 

Even now with you being a SAHM your husband takes care of some things and does his part with the children. When he wasn't helping he was still working to get money, not sitting on his butt watching tv while you did it all. 

It's not the housework that is damaging, it's the lack of respect. Most women just can not respect a man who can come home and do nothing while she has to do all her extra work *and his* after her full time job. They are selfish, lazy and you can not respect someone who can't act like an adult.

I am a single Mother now, my life is so much easier. He created more than he did. He was more work than without him and for many women it is the same.


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## CharlieParker

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's not the housework that is damaging, it's the lack of respect. Most women just can not respect a man who can come home and do nothing while she has to do all her extra work *and his* after her full time job. They are selfish, lazy and you can not respect someone who can't act like an adult.


That's probably true. But a guy who does his fair share but is regularly being refused sex is not going to get laid more often by doing more laundry/dishes/cooking.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

CharlieParker said:


> That's probably true. But a guy who does his fair share but is regularly being refused sex is not going to get laid more often by doing more laundry/dishes/cooking.


No because that isn't the only reason women don't have sex. This is just one reason for many women. 

He certainly wouldn't make things better by not doing his work so either way all men need to do their part.


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## She'sStillGotIt

I don't get this ridiculous mentality that some men have - that they deserve to be 'rewarded' with sex for DOING THEIR *SHARE*.

If BOTH of you work, then BOTH of you own the housework/childcare *50/50%*. 

One of the poll questions asked on this thread was about women - were any of them driving home from work all excited at the prospect of getting home to have sex? Since THAT was one of the questions, I brought up the fact that for *most* women, after work they're more likely stopping at daycare to get their kids while mentally planning what to make for dinner and wondering if they can get in a load of laundry or two while cooking, serving, then cleaning up after dinner, getting the kid's lunch packed and getting them ready for bed, and doing all the *other *chores they do in the course of a day, as well. The point being that for most women, coming home to have sex is pretty much an impossibility when when they're tasked with so much work and responsibility at home AFTER working all day.

So when men whine "I did more housework and STILL didn't get sex!" it's laughable. They act as though everything is the wife's responsibility and they did HER some big giant favor by pitching in - so they should be 'rewarded' with sex for doing what they SHOULD have been doing all along. 

GMAFB.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It's one of my biggest pet peeves shesstillgotit. 

I help her around the house 

Wtf. No you did the very basics of being an adult man. Congrats. 
And according to studies are likely to be not doing 50% even when they say they are. 

I have never known or heard a woman expecting extra brownie points for housework or taking care of their own children. 

My ex would make a big deal the few times he'd do anything. Look, I washed the dishes! Aren't you proud of me. 

Felt like making a chore chart with star stickers for him if he needed a treat for doing one job. 

The lack of respect for a man who doesn't do their job is real and women are less likely to wanna bang a guy they don't respect. 

But doing chores doesn't get you laid!! I hate that as an argument. No, it makes you an adult.


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## heartsbeating

BioFury said:


> So I was visiting with my mother a few days ago, and the topic of sex came up. She said that women don't drive home from work thinking "I can't wait to get home and have sex with my husband". In fact, the idea was so ridiculous to her that she burst into hysterical laughter.


I overslept having a sexy dream. Raced around, managed to get to work on-time to discover we were short staffed. I carried the load for our team, like a boss, and thankful I got coffee on the way. Left office later than usual. Driving home, quick mental check I'd covered what was needed for work, then began to unwind and compartmentalize, listening to music.

Random song came into the mix by 'Nooky Jones' and yes, fantasizing about sex with my husband. 

Which merged into what was for dinner. I hadn't eaten much, too busy. Figured we ought to go out for dinner. I was in the mood for being wined and dined. Looked to phone (not while driving!) and had missed a text from hubs during the day. Suggested he take me out. He was still in a meeting. That idea fizzled. I grabbed a pizza from my fave place on the way home, lit candles, poured a glass of red. 

My mindset went from sex to food to sleep. 



BioFury said:


> Do your female friends and acquaintances look forward to and enjoy sex?


As far as I know, my friends enjoy sex. I don't have much insight into their sex lives unless they're single, then I likely hear more than I ought to know.


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## aine

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's one of my biggest pet peeves shesstillgotit.
> 
> I help her around the house
> 
> Wtf. No you did the very basics of being an adult man. Congrats.
> And according to studies are likely to be not doing 50% even when they say they are.
> 
> I have never known or heard a woman expecting extra brownie points for housework or taking care of their own children.
> 
> My ex would make a big deal the few times he'd do anything. Look, I washed the dishes! Aren't you proud of me.
> 
> Felt like making a chore chart with star stickers for him if he needed a treat for doing one job.
> 
> The lack of respect for a man who doesn't do their job is real and women are less likely to wanna bang a guy they don't respect.
> 
> But doing chores doesn't get you laid!! I hate that as an argument. No, it makes you an adult.



Understand completely but I think it is tied in with a man's need for praise from his woman. They love to be looked up to.


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## alexm

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> My wife, who is quite LD, has said the same thing to me. While she's not wanting to do it with great frequency, when the time rolls around, she thinks about it with great anticipation until it happens.
> 
> So it seems even those who may be "less sexual" appear to have positive thoughts.


That's ideal, for an LD spouse  

The fact that she is _positive_ about sex is 99% of the "battle". So what if she doesn't need it that often, right? At least she does actually want it every now and again.

At this stage of my life (early 40's, twice married) I'd much prefer a spouse who _wants_ sex occasionally, as opposed to one who will have sex with me more often yet is largely ambivalent about it.


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## alexm

Satya said:


> Then my good childhood friend, with two kids (possibly trying for 3rd) hasn't had sex with her husband in months. She says he started accusing her of cheating (and we mostly know what that really means). I've tried to speak with her about the importance of regular sex for bonding, but she's been firmly stuck in mommy mode for so long and she's gone off of sex. This is a woman who used to be amazingly wild in her 20s. She does get help from her breadwinner hubby, too... He helps a lot at home, so I honestly don't know what's going on there. She rarely reaches out or responds to me now.


Yep, we have a few couple friends who are like this.

One couple, oddly enough, it's the guy who's gone off the marital duties. Honestly, it's great to see him be so involved with his kids, but between them and work, there's no life outside of it. The wife doesn't complain, but you can tell she's feeling ever so slightly neglected. I've known him for 30 years now, and I haven't seen him alone for the past 6.

My wife and I have always tried to balance everything. The kids are older now, and able to be on their own for the most part, but even back when they were younger, we made sure we did things on our own from time to time, and especially maintain some semblance of a social life with others. That's what grandparents and older nieces are for!


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## alexm

uhtred said:


> That is a problem too. I've never understood people who don't make an effort to be great lovers. How can their pride stand not being good in bed.
> 
> Trying doesn't guarantee success, but I think it goes a very long way towards success.


Honestly, one of the best single sexual experiences I had was with a woman who didn't really know what she was doing, but damned if she wasn't trying! The effort level was there, and she was right into it, and that made all the difference.

My wife knows what the hell she's doing, but she's just not IN to it, I guess. I wouldn't say she goes through the motions, it's just a palpable, tangible feeling of "I don't _need_ this".

My ex wife was a weird hybrid of the two, I think. She'd want sex, several times a week, and often be the one to initiate. Then rarely do any 'work'. And if she did, it was pretty half-assed - definitely going through the motions. Definitely a selfish lover. Because she couldn't O from anything but her vibrator, I realized eventually that PIV was her foreplay. Despite her being the one to jump me often, she would sometimes hurry me along ("are you close?") And yes, I occasionally got the "Are you almost done yet?" :smthumbup: I suggested more than once that she use her vibrator WHILE I was inside her... makes sense, no? But she insisted it would be too distracting or something. Whatever.


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## alexm

aine said:


> Understand completely but I think it is tied in with a man's need for praise from his woman. They love to be looked up to.


I _somewhat_ disagree.

My ex wife had a chore chart, primarily for me. I didn't need one... but whatever. It did keep both of us on track with weekly chores around the house. The problem was when a, say, Tuesday chore didn't get done for some legit reason, and I'd get reamed out for it. Then of course she'd just do it herself, passive aggressively. Fun times!

With my current wife, she has no daily expectations, nor does she ever tell me to do anything. I just get things done, or she gets things done, or we delegate to our old-enough kids.

However, I do tell her when something's been done. Not for praise, not for a reward, just so she knows it doesn't have to be done, and yes - so she recognizes I'm engaged in daily house life.

TBH, when I've done a lot of things on one day, I will proudly tell her! This does alleviate any pressure she might have felt about the things that have to be done. Even better when I do something that wasn't on the radar (such as cleaning out the garage top to bottom, pressure washing the floors included). It makes her happy, and it makes me feel good that she's happy!


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## ThaMatrix

We always try and simplify everything as much as we can. I help her with the house and the kids as much as possible. She stays at home with them while I got to work and she handles all the money and bills. We smash like rabbits every chance we get. Simplicity is the key in my opinion.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

aine said:


> Understand completely but I think it is tied in with a man's need for praise from his woman. They love to be looked up to.


I have a need for praise as well. Affirmation, whatever you want to call it. 

I think it's important both get praise. 
If she's got getting " this dinner is great, thank you baby" or " the house looks amazing Hun, must have taken a while. Good job!"
Then he shouldn't be expecting praise when he does it. Makes her feel like her job is expected while his is extra, to help her. 

Women also often feel taken advantage of and taken for granted because they aren't getting praised 

I do praise my bf often for many things but he does it in return as well and I think it's very important that it goes both ways.


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## Mr. Nail

I like anticipation. She likes surprise. She has Severe Scheduling Avoidance Personality Disorder. (yes, I just made that up) I'm pretty sure that if she knows something is going to happen as little as 5 minutes in advance it turns her off. And she projects this. She does like planning treats for me, but if I know it's coming it spoils the whole thing and will likely cancel it. While related , this could be a whole new topic. If there was actually anyone else dealing with it.


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## *Deidre*

BioFury said:


> So I was visiting with my mother a few days ago, and the topic of sex came up. She said that women don't drive home from work thinking "I can't wait to get home and have sex with my husband". In fact, the idea was so ridiculous to her that she burst into hysterical laughter.
> 
> While there are some women out there who are sexually disinterested or repressed, that hasn't been my experience personally. So I thought I'd get input from the ladies here. Most of you, from my walking around the forum, are sex positive. So I thought I'd ask about your friends. Do your female friends and acquaintances look forward to and enjoy sex? Or could they take it or leave it?


I look forward to sex with my husband. It's not planned though, we are pretty spontaneous. I do have married friends who say their sex lives suck, but if you're in a healthy fun marriage where you have chemistry, then as a woman, you do look forward to sex. Some of my friends have been married for a few years, and their marriages aren't healthy, so the sex life is also not healthy.


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## sissyphus

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My kids need to eat, my home needs to be cleaned. I sure as heck would rather he got off his butt to do his half so I'd have more time to relax and have sex but if he doesn't he better not be poking me later on to get some.


when the kids were young, I helped with the child rearing, cooked, cleaned. this, including working full time while she was attending school. the only thing I couldn't contribute to was breast feeding. Now that the kids are adults I still do most of the house chores. semi retired. still find her very sexy after being married for over 20+ years. recently one morning, I was feeling a little horny and when she asked me " what do you want for breakfast?" my reply was " you" she actually got out of bed, and went downstairs to make breakfast! I just laid there contemplating what had just happened. by the way, she has an office job. so what's her excuse? I'm thinking about joining the priesthood or maybe a sperm bank with the lack of intimacy that I'm experiencing now.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

sissyphus said:


> when the kids were young, I helped with the child rearing, cooked, cleaned. this, including working full time while she was attending school. the only thing I couldn't contribute to was breast feeding. Now that the kids are adults I still do most of the house chores. semi retired. still find her very sexy after being married for over 20+ years. recently one morning, I was feeling a little horny and when she asked me " what do you want for breakfast?" my reply was " you" she actually got out of bed, and went downstairs to make breakfast! I just laid there contemplating what had just happened. by the way, she has an office job. so what's her excuse? I'm thinking about joining the priesthood or maybe a sperm bank with the lack of intimacy that I'm experiencing now.


What's her excuse? No idea. Lack of chores and help is just ONE of the reasons women can lose interest in sex with their partner. There's all kinds of others.


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## Mr. Nail

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> What's her excuse? No idea. Lack of chores and help is just ONE of the reasons women can lose interest in sex with their partner. There's all kinds of others.


I'm going with left the toilet seat up 15 years ago.
You are right that female sexual desire is extremely complex. My best guess is that it really doesn't exist. It's a huge conspiracy to keep men interested.
As to @sissyphus , I highly recommend booking a weekend trip away. Depart Friday while she is at work and return late Sunday. All you need to tell her is that you know she isn't interested in being with you.


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## Buddy400

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Acts of service is things you do on top of your 50% of the housework.
> 
> There was a study where many men said they did 50% but actually didn't. I can find it later on my computer.
> 
> It takes a lot to run a home.
> Meal plan, shopping, budget, making kids lunch, cooking, organizing, dusting, sweeping, mopping, windows, toilets, mirrors, etc
> 
> I once wrote them all out and put them in groups, asking my ex to pick half from each group. He didn't of course but was shocked there were so many.
> 
> It's more than dishes and laundry.
> 
> Men should be doing it regardless of getting sex. It's just their job. It's our job and we do it without getting our needs met.
> They should realize they aren't doing it FOR HER but because it's their job.
> 
> If her need is acts of service you do things on top of your job.


My wife never does 50% of the housework but I still have sex with her.


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## CharlieParker

Mr. Nail said:


> I like anticipation. She likes surprise. She has Severe Scheduling Avoidance Personality Disorder.


Post menopause my wife needs to know in advance in order to get ready for it. Used to bug me but I've learned from TAM that it's not totally uncommon. 

She initiated this morning, she penned sex in on our weekend to do list whiteboard.


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## sissyphus

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm going with left the toilet seat up 15 years ago.
> You are right that female sexual desire is extremely complex. My best guess is that it really doesn't exist. It's a huge conspiracy to keep men interested.
> As to @sissyphus , I highly recommend booking a weekend trip away. Depart Friday while she is at work and return late Sunday. All you need to tell her is that you know she isn't interested in being with you.


I'm contemplating a blow up doll at this moment.


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## Luvher4life

Have I told everybody I have an absolutely wonderful wife?

I help out around the house often, but sometimes she gets upset when I do some things she ordinarily does. I help with the laundry, fold clothes, clean the bathrooms, help with the dishes on occasion, vacuum, and even cook occasionally. Most of the time, though, she does the vast majority of it. Sometimes I want to do more, but she sincerely gets upset at times, feeling like it's her job. I don't get it, but I try not to rock the boat. She does expect me to do any repairs that need to be done around the house, which are pretty rare, and I do those without being cued. That's my job according to her, and I do enjoy doing them most of the time. 

AND, she has absolutely never used sex as a bargaining tool. She has never said no in the nearly 21 years of our marriage. We get along swimmingly, and have a lot of fun with each other.


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## Taxman

Lately, the urge has been hitting both of us like at midday. AND YES WE BOTH DRIVE HOME WITH THE FOLLOWING THOUGHT: To hell with dinner, let's fvck!!!. Perfect storm time, all the kids are gone, her menopause has left her with a libido unlike we have ever seen before, and I am at the lowest weight (193YAY) I have ever been at. In other words, we have cocktails on the deck, and if the sun is up, we head to the bedroom, if the sun is down, well the deck is nicer with an air mattress.


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## Vinnydee

There is no way to really know how my friends feel about sex because no one discusses it in a manner to quantify one's anticipation of it. Plus all men brag about things they do not do.

I am kept in locked chastity for 2-3 months or orgasm denial. I DO look forward to sex. After two months I would have sex with anything that moves.  Anticipation of sex is directly related to how much one is looking forward to it. The question is no specific enough. For instance, if someone had sex that morning, they would not be looking forward to sex as much as the guy who only sees his girlfriend once a week. The replies you get here are not going to mean much. Yes, I did spend many years designing polls like this and basically could give my client the answer he wanted by how I asked my questions.


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## Livvie

Taxman said:


> Lately, the urge has been hitting both of us like at midday. AND YES WE BOTH DRIVE HOME WITH THE FOLLOWING THOUGHT: To hell with dinner, let's fvck!!!. Perfect storm time, all the kids are gone, her menopause has left her with a libido unlike we have ever seen before, and I am at the lowest weight (193YAY) I have ever been at. In other words, we have cocktails on the deck, and if the sun is up, we head to the bedroom, if the sun is down, well the deck is nicer with an air mattress.


Taxman, may I ask how old you are? I'm late 40s and my biggest fear is that I won't be able to find a man my age or a bit older to have a relationship with who had enough sex drive left to do these sorts of things with me!!


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## Herschel

There is a lot of justification done in this post that causes a lot of animosity. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't get this ridiculous mentality that some men have - that they deserve to be 'rewarded' with sex for DOING THEIR *SHARE*.


I don't think most guys expect to be "rewarded". In fact, that is an awful way to do even view it. Most guys want an intimate relationship with their wife and by doing "their share" it is something she shouldn't use against him with respect to animosity by controlling sex.



> If BOTH of you work, then BOTH of you own the housework/childcare *50/50%*.


Kinda. I mean, doesn't it matter who may be working harder? Or even who is bringing more money in and why both are working? It's easy to take a snapshot and say, "Ok, even though you make $100k and I make 50K, we both worked hard today and we are even." But that ignores the entire process to get to make 100K and the stress of being the primary bread winner. Obviously, this is different if they make around the same or for other real world scenarios that could affect this.



> One of the poll questions asked on this thread was about women - were any of them driving home from work all excited at the prospect of getting home to have sex? Since THAT was one of the questions, I brought up the fact that for *most* women, after work they're more likely stopping at daycare to get their kids while mentally planning what to make for dinner and wondering if they can get in a load of laundry or two while cooking, serving, then cleaning up after dinner, getting the kid's lunch packed and getting them ready for bed, and doing all the *other *chores they do in the course of a day, as well. The point being that for most women, coming home to have sex is pretty much an impossibility when when they're tasked with so much work and responsibility at home AFTER working all day.


Under the circumstances laid out, most men take on these responsibilities as well. I always picked up the kids, did most of the food shopping and I made dinner. Even when she wasn't working. You even commented on it where he is agitated because he did half the household chores. And you know what, he STILL wanted to be intimate with the woman he loved.



> So when men whine "I did more housework and STILL didn't get sex!" it's laughable. They act as though everything is the wife's responsibility and they did HER some big giant favor by pitching in - so they should be 'rewarded' with sex for doing what they SHOULD have been doing all along.
> 
> GMAFB.


Who is saying it's the wife's responsibilities? That statement is being made because WOMEN act like it's their responsibilities and if a dude is doing his share or more, he is agitated that she is STILL not having sex with him. You want to think sex is a reward. I don't care if I don't do ANY laundry today. If I have been a good husband and we love each other, you should WANT to be intimate. SMH

On a side note, my ex used to get on my case cause I didn't clean the toilets (despite us having a house keeper almost half the time we were together). I did however, take out the trash, mow the lawn, pick up the dog poop on the lawn, and many other "men's chores" that she NEVER did. This didn't even count all the standard household chores I did like cooking, homework, other cleaning, dishes or whatnot. I tend to find that sometimes spouses just like to find a reason to ***** to make themselves feel better, and that's messed up. I will say, she never withheld sex (mostly cause she wanted it all of the time).


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## Luvher4life

I am of the opinion that sex is not supposed to be used as a bargaining tool. I see it as a reward for both parties when sex happens, not just the man.


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## JayDee7

From what I gather from what my wife tells me about her friend's sex lives is some are interested in it and some are not. I still don't get why women talk about such personal matters with friends. 
I do very little housework, I do cook 3-5 times per week and do maybe 2 loads of laundry per week. We have a great love life because I am always very appreciative of all of her work. I give her constant praise for a job well done on the house and non her looks. I let her know I desire her, and that I appreciate all that she does and it seems to make her want to keep her self up physically and keep the house clean even though she works full time. When I stop the praises and the compliments, I notice her change in behavior, she will after a day or two really throw herself at me physically and do extra good for me. She longs for my attention, and I heap it on her. When I don't she craves it.


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## LaReine

I'm a SAHM and "don't have responsibilities outside the home" whatever the **** that means.

I have an 18 month old and do everything for her. I also have two step children and do everything for them, even when they aren't with us (technically they would be responsibilities outside the home). 

I also do 95% of the housework.

It's a regular discussion but never changes. I still want to have sex most nights and some mornings. But he is usually asleep before I get to bed.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

I have been reading these threads for a long time. I think we men have to accept that we have been sold a bill of goods. We have been told that if we are just good men and husbands our wives will want to sleep with us. I really don't think that is true for most women. I think this is a fundamental misunderstanding of female sexuality, we think they are like us. Most of us will sleep with our wives just because they are our wives, good or bad. It's just not the same. 

I think it's time to give up on the idea that being good, or kind, or loving or any of that is going to get you rewarded with sex because the truth is it's probably not. 

I wish I knew the answer because you look on these sites and really it looks like mostly what it takes it is some texts and escapism and some women will absolutely throw themselves at men. Lots of times these guys are losers besides the fact that they are cheaters, many times these men have wives who won't have sex with them, and the women who do throw themselves at these loser men have men at home who absolutely love them to death and are completely destroyed when they cheat on them. 

I don't have the answer but I sure know if I had a son I would tell him them being good and decent and honorable has absolutely no correlation with have a good sex life in your marriage or not. It's all about who you marry or if you marry at all.


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## LaReine

Being good, kind and loving is being a good spouse. Sex is up to the couple to determine


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

sokillme said:


> .. if I had a son I would tell him them being good and decent and honorable has absolutely no correlation with have a good sex life in your marriage or not.


It's taken me more than a few decades to figure this out myself. I'm a little slow on the uptake when the truth is soooooo opposite of how it *should *be. I just can't wrap my head around something so out of kilter. But after enough 2x4s of rejection, the message finally gets through. 

Like you I have no answer. Recognizing that the world is unfair doesn't help with anything else, so why should this be any different?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Sometimes we just get a dud. A woman can try her best, be sexual and loving and appreciative and her husband doesn't care to meet her needs 

Sometimes a husband does everything he can and she doesn't meet his needs. 

There are duds on both sides. I would tell both gender children that love is just not enough. You have to be compatible, able to meet their needs and have them meet yours. Find out what your needs are before marriage and choose someone who has that as a priority for them as well.


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## southbound

sokillme said:


> I have been reading these threads for a long time. I think we men have to accept that we have been sold a bill of goods. We have been told that if we are just good men and husbands our wives will want to sleep with us. I really don't think that is true for most women. I think this is a fundamental misunderstanding of female sexuality, we think they are like us. Most of us will sleep with our wives just because they are our wives, good or bad. It's just not the same.
> 
> I think it's time to give up on the idea that being good, or kind, or loving or any of that is going to get you rewarded with sex because the truth is it's probably not.
> 
> I wish I knew the answer because you look on these sites and really it looks like mostly what it takes it is some texts and escapism and some women will absolutely throw themselves at men. Lots of times these guys are losers besides the fact that they are cheaters, many times these men have wives who won't have sex with them, and the women who do throw themselves at these loser men have men at home who absolutely love them to death and are completely destroyed when they cheat on them.
> 
> I don't have the answer but I sure know if I had a son I would tell him them being good and decent and honorable has absolutely no correlation with have a good sex life in your marriage or not. It's all about who you marry or if you marry at all.


I like this post. I think it just explains it the way it is, and the bottom line is, we guys don't understand why it is that way. 

When I was growing up, I got the idea that women wanted a good man who would treat them right, be a good father, an just be an overall good guy. I thought this is what caused women to line up at your door, so to speak, but I have come to realize that is not necessarily the case. I don't know what the heck does turn women on to sex, but that ain't it. 

It throws things off when a guy leads half his adult life believing this and then discovers it's not true. 

I never realized that what led to sexual desire was so different between men and women. As you said, I think men will sleep with their wives because they're their wife. 

I was married to my x wife for 18 years and never felt any less sexual tword her than year one. I've often said she could probably have been ina bad mood tword me all day, grouchy, grumpy, whatever, but if I walked in the bedroom that night and she wanted 
me, I was good to go.


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