# Found old emails...



## LovelyinVA (Sep 5, 2008)

I'm new, but given my current situation and a lot of researching via the web, I'm happy that I have stumbled on this forum. Here is my story...

Thursday, hubby was packing for a trip. He was checking his flight information through his email, and left his inbox open.

I've had issues in the past with him sending correspondences to an old ex, which he claimed was all platonic, but I was disturbed at the flirty nature of the emails. Always being curious, I scrolled through his inbox/sent folder. Luckily, nothing recent from/to her. Feeling gutsy, I did an email search for her name and came across a bunch of her emails from 2005-2006 and early 2007. I scanned them and my heart sunk. He was making plans to visit her, telling her how much he missed her, how he thinks about her always, blah, blah, blah. 

We've been together since 2000. We were buying a house in 2005, got engaged in 2006, and was planning a wedding in 2007. All the while, he was having an emotional affair with her. Some of the emails read "My heart is beating from excitement after our call. You make my day." and "You have me all riled up, you're such a tease". To "my g/f is very jealous of you, you're so beautiful - she is very intimidated."

Because he is away and I haven't been able to reach him on the phone, I don't know what to do.

I've printed off ALL the emails, and I've contacted a marriage counselor for an appointment next week. How do I tell him that I found out? I've been in tears since...

Looking forward to your supportive advice. TIA.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well let me just say i can feel the anger that is building up inside of you...

this is just a hard path to walk. Dont be afraid to let him know exactly how you are feeling. and dont let him make you feel guilty for being hurt. the usual reaction from the other person is defensiveness and trying to make you feel you are overreacting. dont let him manipulate you. you have every right to feel extremely hurt and let him know it. 

when you feel such strong emotions its easy to get off track during the conversation. I would write down exactly how finding these emails has made you feel about the relationship, and exactly what you expect from him at this point. that way you can keep yourself from arguing in circles. Try to focus on what you are feeling and not on the letters. 

If he starts to get defensive dont argue with him. If he cannot acknowledge your hurt now it doesnt mean he will never do so. Stick to how this has made you feel and let him know what you expect from him (like him being able to truly apologize without becoming defensive).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First I would ask if he honored your request not to long ago to stop talking to her. If not now is the time. But before you make a mountian out of a mole hill let's put it in all erspectives.

1) He in the past contacted her and you knew about that.
2) He may have just never purged his email and if he has other generic stuff in there it was considered all the same.
3) He hasn't recently had contact that you know off.
4) You broke trust with him and violated his privacy

I would ask him to purge anything with her, agree to no contact and leave it at that. Unless you are sure he still is doing anything which by the sounds he isn't.

draconis


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## LovelyinVA (Sep 5, 2008)

lj - Thank you. I've started to write everything out on a word doc. I think, for my sake, him being away is good for us so that I will have time to think things through and go through the emotions. When he gets back, my mind will be cleared and I know I'll be strong.

d - Thank you as well. There were a few instances where he sent her emails during this year, at least once a month asking her to "check in" - The most recent was an email where he forwarded her contact information to his work account. So I don't know if he keeping in touch with her through his work email. He has his "crack"berry locked, so I wouldn't be able to look for calls and it's a company phone, so no bill arrives at the house.

D, another thing - You're right, I did violate his trust. Any recommendations for bringing that up with him? I want this to work for us. We're a good couple, I love him.. but I know that she was his first love so he'll never forget her.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Exs are exs for a reason. When given the choice he married you. It does add red flags that he might still be in contact with her and that is the bigger issue to be concerned with. After an emotional affair the healing of a marriage can onlt happen if the person cuts all contact. Otherwise the love, time and effort is being split starving the relationship only so they can use the lack of the marriage as a reason to starve it more.

Tell him he left it open, you found one then looked for the other. You understand at best he had an emotional affair. That you are willing to forgive him if he cut all ties and goes a min of three months to counciling with you.

Further look into yourself, him and the relationship for what is missing and fix it. Learn to communicate better.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I think it is fine if you talk to him about this in the context Drac said. He left his email open and your curiosity got the best of you. I would do this face to face, not on the phone. The emails stopped as you prepared for marriage. Someone broke the contact off as they knew it was wrong. Address the situation and move on. Also ask him to delete the emails and her contact information as it would make you feel better.


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## LovelyinVA (Sep 5, 2008)

Thanks so much! He comes home Sunday night, I will wait until Monday evening to say something. I'll keep you posted!


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

LovelyinVA said:


> I'm new, but given my current situation and a lot of researching via the web, I'm happy that I have stumbled on this forum. Here is my story...
> 
> Thursday, hubby was packing for a trip. He was checking his flight information through his email, and left his inbox open.
> 
> ...


Lay the email papers on the table along with your wedding ring.
That will let him know big time. 1.. you found out and 2.. he will have to choose.. you or her. Do this with a note saying I made an appt with a marriage counselor. I would (if I would you) make two copies of all your emails, just so if things get ugly, and he tries to get rid of those emails, you will have a backup set. Always think one step ahead. Men think they can do anything, and you will stay and take it, but once you try to leave, they make it hell on you. Just talking how I have seen other men do women, and how they treat them.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My opinion is going to be a little different from everyone else. On the surface it appears that your husband quit contacting the ex after you were married. However, the e-mail content bothers me. That's great you have made an appointment with a counselor. You're going to need a great therapist to help you work thru the content of those e-mails. When you read those e-mails, the damage was done. With that in mind, I would wait about talking to your husband until after you speak with the counselor. I just hate to see another person fall into the trap I've found myself in. I confronted my husband about his relationships, etc. Each time I confronted him, he would lie and get better at hiding the evidence. It became an awful cirlce. The cheating, lying, stealing, and fighting only got worse. You may even want to see if your husband would join you at the second counseling session. See what the therapist thinks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

827Aug said:


> I would wait about talking to your husband until after you speak with the counselor. I just hate to see another person fall into the trap I've found myself in. I confronted my husband about his relationships, etc. Each time I confronted him, he would lie and get better at hiding the evidence. It became an awful cirlce. The cheating, lying, stealing, and fighting only got worse. You may even want to see if your husband would join you at the second counseling session. See what the therapist thinks.


:iagree:


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## LovelyinVA (Sep 5, 2008)

Thanks to everyone for their kind words and advice! They were much needed. I found myself reading and re-reading and nodding in approval of everything!

I jumped the gun and spoke to him last night when he got back from his trip. I was wrought with nerves and even threw up before he got home because I was on edge.

We first held small talked and I got him engaged in a conversation about the trip and he showed me pictures from the camera. Then we had a seat on the couch and I started talking.

I first apologized for going through his emails and told him that was a huge violation against him, but he left it open and I've had issues in the past so I had to re-affirm myself that nothing was going on. Then I said that I found some emails between him and *ex* that I found very disturbing and overly sexual and I felt absolutely betrayed that he carried this on while we were engaged and building our house together. He didn't get upset, he nodded and said "I know, I was very weak. It started off as very innocent and we were catching up with our lives, then we started reminiscing about the past and it got very exciting and was a secret thrill for me" He was very open about that time and admitted that he knew he was wrong and that he was so sorry that he put me through it and could see the pain and hurt I was going through. He also told me that they both sensed it was going the wrong way and decided to "call it quits" but still wanted to keep in touch because they had re-built this friendship. He also admited that he was a jerk to her during the breakup, so part of him felt guilty and needed closure.

He has also agreed to go into conseling with me and will share passwords to his email and phone so that I can "check" if I needed. I just sent him a work email to remind him to delete her contact information.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Great LovelyinVA

Sounds like you both handled it beautifully. Best of luck as you improve your marriage and relationship. I applaud you both. Good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow sounds like you both are very mature. kudos to you both. wish you the best of luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's great you will be going to counseling together. It's much better to see a counselor now and get small issues settled before they become big issues.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Honey said:


> Men think they can do anything, and you will stay and take it, but once you try to leave, they make it hell on you. Just talking how I have seen other men do women, and how they treat them.


Are you really this sexist? All men really?

draconis


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