# Divorce even if you might reconcile



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

This is for discussion only, so don’t beat me up. I think that divorce might increase the chance of reconciliation.

I would tell my wayward spouse that she had broken our contract and had been downgraded. Marriage is for those that can trust each other.

She will have paid a price for her actions. I might work on forgiving but the divorce would be a tangible symbol of what she did. It’s also a symbol that I can live without her and will not tolerate it again. Divorced people can easily go their separate ways, so she’s on probation. I also wouldn’t be as hurt if my ex-wife cheated on me. I wouldn’t be quite the fool that I was the first time.

The betrayed spouse often feels resentful if everything just goes back to the way it was before. They’re devastated and triggering. 



hawx20 said:


> The hardest part of R, for me, is the internal conflict I have. I myself feel that I am letting her get away with it. Its been about a week and a half since shes seen me trigger. Yesterday I triggered because its been a week and a half and I felt like she was getting away with it.


The wayward spouse has their plan “B” and fun memories. If the betrayed spouse complains, their reply is, “How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?” If years pass the betrayed spouse begins to feel foolish for complaining and the wayward spouse says, “Just get over it.”

Strike while the iron is hot. Divorce makes the 180 more credible.

If you can’t afford a second place to live or kids are involved, you don’t have to move out just because you’re divorced.

There is a post here where a “rock star” professor fit another man’s wife into his schedule for a one-time nooner before he left for another date. Her classmates were impressed and she bragged about it in detail to her husband. She had no remorse for a year then felt terrible and spent decades making it up to her husband. That wasn’t enough for him until recently. A divorce might have snapped her out of it in less than a year and helped her husband heal more quickly. He would have felt that she paid a price too.

If the betrayed spouse gets to the point that they can trust 100%, they can get remarried.

The main negative thing I can think of is health insurance issues.

What do you think?


*****EDIT****

This was posted on December 20, 2013 and makes my point:*



Not4U2Know said:


> Oh silly me...one very important fact I forgot to tell y'all!!! Yes, we are divorced (since October 1) our marriage of 16 years is over except for our memories. We are going to continue to build up our relationship for a happier life together...hopefully someday he will ask me to become his wife again! I can't wait till that day comes but until then I will give him only the best of me!! :O)
> 
> Kelly


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I am one of those people who doesn't feel divorce should be used to keep someone involved and on their best behavior.

If I get divorced, I am free so is he. I will purposely burn the bridge so I don't have the option of crossing it again because it proved to be too treacherous.

That is just me. When I cut someone out of my life I don't look back.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You and I are aligned on this. I could never understand why anyone would give a WS the comfort, respect and "tactical advantage" of a reconciliation while still married. It never made sense to me. In my head I chalk it up to lack of self confidence or a "more nobler than thou" attitude, but there are too many different kinds of people out there to come up with just one reason. However, I do see a common theme repeated here a lot, especially with BHs, after reconciling from within the marriage, the resentment lingers on for years. I think that's because deep down they know they were never compensated for their WS's crime and they feel "had".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Every case is the same, yet; curiously, every case is also different, too.

One size does not fit all. Different approaches may work in different situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I divorced my WW. For a number of reasons, but mainly the principal in the end. Our marriage - whatever it had been - was over. 

If she earns it back and I feel like it, I will remarry her.

No health insurance issues here in the UK and she gets nothing if I die, although as the mother of my children she would have a legal claim to my estate.

The main complication for me has been working out how I talk about her and, on the very rare occasions we are out together, how I introduce her. 

It has been a relief for me personally and I know I can morally walk at any time. It also gives me 6 years to sort out the finances and this means I am in control there too.

Her betrayal was deep and shed a new light on our 20 years of marriage. I hate being divorced, but at least I'm not living a lie.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Every case is the same, yet; curiously, every case is also different, too.
> 
> One size does not fit all. Different approaches may work in different situations.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree one size never truly fits all. 

There just seems to be something a bit overkill about keeping a wayward on probation trying to earn back a marriage that has been legally severed.

I've seen the lawyer, I know how the spoils will be divided...if it goes there I'm not wallowing in the past. Isn't that just making the ex Plan B on some level?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> I agree one size never truly fits all.
> 
> There just seems to be something a bit overkill about keeping a wayward on probation trying to earn back a marriage that has been legally severed.
> 
> I've seen the lawyer, I know how the spoils will be divided...if it goes there I'm not wallowing in the past. Isn't that just making the ex Plan B on some level?


That's a good point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> I agree one size never truly fits all.
> 
> There just seems to be something a bit overkill about keeping a wayward on probation trying to earn back a marriage that has been legally severed.


Your use of the word "overkill" in this context is interesting.

It proves your point that one size doesn't fit all. Our marriage no longer existed. To continue as a married couple would have been a lie. The divorce was about the past - not a carrot or stick for the future

Whatever is in our future will be, at least, truthful and founded on honesty - whether we are together or apart.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> I agree one size never truly fits all.


I've witnessed this with 2 completely different outcomes so I agree with Kristin2349's statement.
Example #1
My aunt divorced her husband for infidelity; He became remorseful and faithful. She went through with the divorce and they have been happily living together for 15+ years now. 

Example #2
On the other hand, I have an ex-friend whose wife divorced him for infidelity (10+ years ago). They did not have kids (at this point). He was remorseful and she eventually took him back and they remarried. After they had 3 kids together (during their 2nd marriage), she found out he was cheating on her (again).
She divorced him again. 

All of his friends tried to talk him out of getting remarried, some even defriended him over it because they knew he was making a huge mistake. We don't really know her, but if we did, we would have tried to talk her out of that 2nd marriage too.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Do you mean just threatening divorce, or actually going through and finalizing a divorce? Because the process of actual divorce kind of kills any hope that any couple could have.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> If divorce was meant to help two people get back together, they'd call it, "Reconciliation", or, "Marriage Counseling". Divorce is meant as the exact opposite of marriage. Where marriage is intended to make two, as one, Divorce is intended to make, "one", two again.



Yes, jeezus. It's just like those people who use abortion as contraception.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Just wondering though. So ex spouse is just a single person with a shared past. And any future would be dating and building a new relationship possibly back to marriage.
> 
> But if you were to go on a date with a stranger. She is divorced and you get around to asking why...she cheated. Do you go on another date with her. (My answer would be no). So why give my Ex different consideration? IMO give them less if anything because you were harmed. Again that is my personal take. I'm not there at this point so I haven't been tested. I do know myself.
> 
> If my past is any indication. I have not spoken to the two fiancés I dumped before I married my current H. Haven't felt the need to look them up or friend them. They are simply some guy I used to know that gave me a lovely ring...


If I found out someone I dated had cheated it would immediately be over. I agree with your assessment in principal.

As it stands, my ex wife is the mother of my children. We do have a 25 year history and I know her very well. Sorting the house out has been a legal nightmare lasting over 2 years and it's still going on and that's before we talk about supporting 2 households on the same incomes without compromising on lifestyles.

It's where pragmatism meets idealism. I have to work with the hand I've been dealt.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

The filing of D puts reality into everything and puts both parties on notice. All the BS justifications go out the window and the fantasy ends. 

Not in all cases but in most.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> If I found out someone I dated had cheated it would immediately be over. I agree with your assessment in principal.
> 
> As it stands, my ex wife is the mother of my children. We do have a 25 year history and I know her very well. Sorting the house out has been a legal nightmare lasting over 2 years and it's still going on and that's before we talk about supporting 2 households on the same incomes without compromising on lifestyles.
> 
> It's where pragmatism meets idealism. I have to work with the hand I've been dealt.



You are indeed working with the hand you've been dealt. Never ever forget so is the other party. They may well prove to be bluffing AGAIN.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> You are indeed working with the hand you've been dealt. Never ever forget so is the other party. They may well prove to be bluffing AGAIN.


It had crossed my mind


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Personally I think divorce and reconciliation should be exactly in that order, if there is a reconciliation. The divorce would wipe the slate clean so to speak. Therefore, neither spouse could legitimately complain about lack of trust, getting the whole truth, etc., that seems to be inherent with many stand alone reconciliation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Graywolf2 said:


> This is for discussion only, so don’t beat me up. I think that divorce might increase the chance of reconciliation.
> 
> What do you think?


I disagree. For me, personally, once that door has closed, there is no going back.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

One thing I meant to mention is the way my ex seems to have perceived the process.

Until I explained that it was not the case, her perception was that we had simply moved "down a peg" in the relationship hierarchy - if you imagine marriage at the top, a partnership next, partners next, boyfriend/girlfriend then just friends - so she would keep describing us as partners.

For me, she went into very negative territory. If there was a commonly used description for something less than total strangers, then we would be it.

I think she's beginning to understand now. It's part of a process for her just as much as for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> My guess is, most women feel this way. I don't mean to lump everyone in the same category. I think it's reasonably safe in this case.


I do not know if it is gender-specific but some people just view an ended relationship as that--no need to resuscitate.

Some people threaten divorce. Or loom it over their partner's head to "keep them in line" or as a form of manipulation. To me,t his is cruel. Either be all in or not.

Now, I know some people can reconciled after a divorce and that is great for them. The way I am built though, it would not happen.

I will say though, it does seem that when women in particular are done, that is it. Game over. I think sometimes that for a woman to get to the point of wanting out, a lot has to happen to get her there. So maybe you are on to something... 

I have had this conversation with a man before and he also said that once you cross that bridge, he'd never go back.

Suppose it depends on the person.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> My guess is, most women feel this way. I don't mean to lump everyone in the same category. I think it's reasonably safe in this case.


Lump me in. When I broke my last engagement, yes I had two that I broke off (I was young they were stupid) He came home to a moving truck packing only my belongings. I was on a flight to Athens. I spent the entire summer traveling. Never spoke to him again. It was done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Athens post-break up sounds sooo lovey!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I do not know if it is gender-specific but some people just view an ended relationship as that--no need to resuscitate.
> 
> Some people threaten divorce. Or loom it over their partner's head to "keep them in line" or as a form of manipulation. To me,t his is cruel. Either be all in or not.
> 
> ...


I'm built the same way! Blow the bridge up so you have no choice but forward! 

History is just that, forget and we are doomed to repeat it. I've never heard of a couple with history in a heated fight yelling "remember how great xy or z was". They go to the hurt.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Not going back after a breakup most likely indicates you've made the right choice. Therefore reconciliation was a less favorable option to begin with.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Divorce and reconciliation can be linked. It depends on the issues. We see here many cases where, for example, there is infidelity and the WS is said to be in a "fog". When confronted the WS sometimes acts as if the infidelity was no big deal.

The BS on the other hand wants a reconciliation. The problem is to get the WS's attention. Most here would advise a 180, which in itself does nothing toward reconciliation, but does strongly tend to make the BS separate from the WS. The next step is divorce. The actuality that the BS isn't just going to sit idly by while the A either continues or is not acknowleged becomes clear to the WS.

And of course, the move to divorce has to be serious.

At that point the WS may move toward reconciliation. Full reconciliation, as we know, can take many months or years, so a decison has to be made about continuing with the divorce.

This is not a scenario that works for everyone. But it does seem to work for some. There is not a one-size fits all either. I mention that because those who advocate that divorce should never lead to the former partners getting together again really have to take into account that every case is different.

It is too bad that mild measures in a fracturing marriage often don't work. We could discuss the reasons for that, bit it really is a different thread.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> This is such an opinionated topic. Personally, I believe the decision needs made prior to the divorce. * If you are divorcing to reconcile, you are doing it incorrectly*.


:iagree:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> .
> 
> If my past is any indication. I have not spoken to the two fiancés I dumped before I married my current H. Haven't felt the need to look them up or friend them. *They are simply some guy I used to know that gave me a lovely ring*...




Woah. It never ceases to amaze me the way women can just shut it off forever. Wow.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> What do you think?


I think it's the way all R should be handled...

An affair is one of the worst violations of a marriage. I think too many WS get a slap on the wrist for essentially commiting homocide on their relationship. You have to realize that the marriage was already over the minute the spouse gave themself to another. All the divorce does is just make official what your partner "forgot" to inform you of. That they doesn't love you anymore.

I say divorce them, kick them out and let them EARN their way into the relationship from literally scratch. In the meantime, keep your options open. They seemed to think they could better than you so maybe you can do better than them? If they REALLY want to be with you and were truely remorseful then they would do whatever it took. 

I realize this is not doable for a lot of people do to financial reasons and it saddens me when people put up with this level of disrespect and frankly crap due to that reason. Sometimes you can't put a price on self-respect.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Woah. It never ceases to amaze me the way women can just shut it off forever. Wow.


You're assuming it was actually on in the first place.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> You're assuming it was actually on in the first place.


Hey! Yes, it was on (since he commented on my lack of interest in my Exes). I just know when something is over. Make a clean exit. I've found going backwards pointless. I don't much like being stuck in my current "neutral"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Interestingly, my ex-husband seems to have viewed my filing for divorce, buying my own home, and moving out with our son, as being simply the next step in our ongoing relationship. He quite honestly seems to have thought I would do all that, then eventually get over my little snit and want to reconcile. All he had to do was wait. He kept calling, texting, emailing, wanting to hug me hello and goodbye, asking me to join him for events and dinner, and generally acting as if we were on some sort of iffy trial separation that would eventually end when we got back together. He saw it as a step in reconciliation.

After a few weeks of him behaving that way and being obviously hurt by my abject detachment and refusal to behave as if we were still a married couple, he finally asked me if I regretted the divorce and moving out yet. He also needed me to clarify our situation - unless I was okay with him starting to date. That last was delivered as a rather obvious threat to move on if I was going to continue being difficult.  

Our situation? We're _divorced_. How much more clearly can the "I don't want to be married to you anymore" message be delivered than by filing and finalizing a divorce? 

You see, by the time I filed, I was done. It wasn't hoop for him to jump through, a sh!t test, some sort of penance or punishment for him, or even the result of me pitching some sort of irrational girly fit. Rather, I did not want to be married to a man who I'd learned had been serially cheating throughout the entire marriage and had shown no inclination to do much of anything any differently going forward. I. Was. Done.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Yes Rowan, I'm with you on that! 

The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> Yes Rowan, I'm with you on that!
> 
> The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference...


The absolute TRUTH


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

*This is what I'm talking about.*



Not4U2Know said:


> Oh silly me...one very important fact I forgot to tell y'all!!! Yes, we are divorced (since October 1) our marriage of 16 years is over except for our memories. We are going to continue to build up our relationship for a happier life together...hopefully someday he will ask me to become his wife again! I can't wait till that day comes but until then I will give him only the best of me!! :O)
> 
> Kelly


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Filing right after dday destroys any trickle truth and false r.

Then put the burden on them to prove themselves before its final.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree. For me, personally, *once that door has closed, there is no going back.*


I think women are much more likely to have that mindset.

Could be wrong, but that's my observation.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

illwill said:


> Filing right after dday destroys any trickle truth and false r.
> 
> Then put the burden on them to prove themselves before its final.


I have to say that, in my case at least, it did not destroy any trickle truth and I found (relatively minor, but significant) lies out until I simply stopped caring.

Filing shows you are serious and, like the 180, is as much about you as the cheater.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Definitely agree with the OP. IMHO, if that person was dead serious about wanting to really be with you and willing to do anything to make it work, a divorce shouldn't stop them from at least trying a second chance.

The WS imo has lost the rights to keep the marriage, they have to earn another one. If they are willing to leave everything behind and never look back, they probably subconsciously were about ready to check out of the relationship anyway (hence the affair), no way I could just never look back if I know I did wrong, I'd at least try to make a second chance happen.

Sounds to me like pride getting in the way imo. The unwillingness to drop your pride to own up to mistakes and correct them if you truly wanted a relationship with that person. Unfair that you only are considered worth staying with as a backup plan, just my opinion.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> I have to say that, in my case at least, it did not destroy any trickle truth and I found (relatively minor, but significant) lies out until I simply stopped caring.
> 
> Filing shows you are serious and, like the 180, is as much about you as the cheater.


You have to back the filing up with actions. No sex. Move out of bedroom. Gain a social life. Move on for real, letting them know everyday gets closer to this new life being thier reality, if they dont cut the crap.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

illwill said:


> You have to back the filing up with actions. No sex. Move out of bedroom. Gain a social life. Move on for real, letting them know everyday gets closer to this new life being thier reality, if they dont cut the crap.


I know.

I have a great social life; already did before, during and after my ex's cheating.

The rest is a matter of time. I posted my response to let others know that, sometimes, the cheater is more or less beyond redemption - even if they seem to be remorseful.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> When I broke my last engagement, yes I had two that I broke off (I was young they were stupid)


NO FREAKING WAY WERE you young and stuipd !!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is what the engagement period is all about! Learning about each other before a committment is made! In my generation, we called it, "living together!" ((God, I feel old on this site!!!))

Many people I know had very serious live-in relationships as many as 2, maybe 3 before they married. None a failure nor looked at as a failure, why? because that true committment was never made, it was still a learning stage, still young.

Each realtionship & people we come close to is like a repertoire of who we are to become. What we want, what we dont want. Dont feel bad about them, unless, unless of course, you regret one you let go... 

~ sammy


Ps didnt mean to hijack


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