# Struggling without Sex



## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

I am a 50 yr old woman. I've been married for 31 years. My issue is not enough sex in my marriage. Like many of you.
I am hesitant to post and be honest because I've seen some people get blasted on here and that, in my opinion, is not helpful. I am willing to risk this, I guess, because I have also seen some caring, insightful answers and that is what I'm seeking. 

Some background. Earlier in our marriage, when the kids were younger, and I was overwhelmed with responsibility for them, taking care of the house, and sometimes working outside the home, I was more interested in finding "me time" than "us time" if that us time meant sex. So I would turn my husband down frequently. After the kids got older my sex drive started to increase. At the same time, my husband's started to decrease. So for the past 8 years or so, he is barely interested and I'm very interested. I would be happy with daily sex, and with him it's every 7-10 days and sometimes I feel like even then, he's only doing it to try and satisfy me. He gets much more excited about a game of golf with his buddy than he does about having sex with me. His way of asking is, "Do you want to get naked?" 
There is no passion anymore, the sex is not exciting, he's pretty happy with missionary only and is not a very imaginative lover. Basically, climb on, do his thing, climb off. 

What we have tried: I got him to ask the doctor about it, he lied to the doctor and told him we have it twice a week to which the doctor replied, "Then you're above average for your age." He's 55. When I asked him why on earth he told the doctor that, he replied, "I got confused. I was thinking that's what you'd be happy with." I never gave him any indication that I'd be happy with twice a week. I got him to go to marital counseling. He would only see someone that his job would cover the cost of so many sessions for. Every time we have tried one of those counselors in the past, we'd been deeply disappointed, yet this is what he felt our marriage was worth. He told the counselor that when he comes home and I'm in my pajamas in the middle of the day, it turns him off. That has only happened maybe twice a year. He later admitted to me that if he was really in the mood, seeing me in my pjs wouldn't make a difference. At that point, I gave up on the counseling as I felt if he couldn't be honest, then what was the point of trying. So a couple years down the road and we're kind of at a stalemate. I no longer even try to suggest sex or tell him I'm in the mood. I'm tired of begging for it. I used to try and get him in the mood or try and get him to do it more often. He becomes angry when I bring it up and says this is the way he is, he can't change. 

Now I get by with masturbation and to be honest some sex talk with other men via internet or e-mail. I always feel guilty and bad afterwards but end up doing it again because I'm desperate for that kind of attention. The kind that says you're an attractive, desirable woman. This constant rejection/indifference by him has left my self esteem on the ground. 

Is there any hope for things to get better. I'm feeling like there isn't. One reason, one huge reason I stay with him is financial. I only have a highschool education and cannot earn enough to take care of myself and after putting up with his sh*t for 31 years, I don't feel like scrimping to get by at this stage in my life. I also don't want to end up alone. 
So is it better to be with him or without him. 

I'm very confused right now and so I'm sure this post reflects that. But what I want to know is does the sex get better or is this pretty much what I have to resign myself to from here on out and how do the rest of you manage???


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tempted,
Have you stayed in good physical condition? I only ask because for some men, weight can be a turn off. And if that is an issue, you might make some progress by getting more fit. 

On a separate note, have you ever directly asked him if he is resentful for all the times you rejected him when the two of you were younger? I only ask because an older guy, with a naturally lower sex drive, could be much more impacted by resentments. A younger guy - he could resent the heck out of you and still want sex. But in his mid-50's if you have a guy who thinks you jerked him around royally for a long time and never really showed much remorse for it. That might not go over very well. 




Tempted6119 said:


> I am a 50 yr old woman. I've been married for 31 years. My issue is not enough sex in my marriage. Like many of you.
> I am hesitant to post and be honest because I've seen some people get blasted on here and that, in my opinion, is not helpful. I am willing to risk this, I guess, because I have also seen some caring, insightful answers and that is what I'm seeking.
> 
> Some background. Earlier in our marriage, when the kids were younger, and I was overwhelmed with responsibility for them, taking care of the house, and sometimes working outside the home, I was more interested in finding "me time" than "us time" if that us time meant sex. So I would turn my husband down frequently. After the kids got older my sex drive started to increase. At the same time, my husband's started to decrease. So for the past 8 years or so, he is barely interested and I'm very interested. I would be happy with daily sex, and with him it's every 7-10 days and sometimes I feel like even then, he's only doing it to try and satisfy me. He gets much more excited about a game of golf with his buddy than he does about having sex with me. His way of asking is, "Do you want to get naked?"
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It really sucks that when men want it the MOST, in their sexual prime (early 20's) , us women are "slow" sexually, and not all that into it , then as we get older, we come into our Prime when they are slowing down sexually -due to decreasing Testosterone levels. 

My drive is a little higher than my husbands now. For a time, it was ALOT higher. It sure helps when you have a spouse who wants to please you because they LOVE you . I wonder if your husband is feeling* resentful *for all the years you rejected him?

I am sure these things can play a huge unforseen role into how he IS today- now with responding to YOUR sexual needs & desires, when his was so easily put down. Especially if he suffered alot of pain , remaining faithful but also with growing resentment through the years. Have you ever talked about this, openly up that can of worms? And showed him how sorry you are , let him know NOW you know how he felt all those years? And you want to make up for it ?

When I got a handle on this I CRIED in front of my husband. He was never one to badger me for sex though, he FELT rejected due to us timing sex for conception mostly & he was never very aggressive with his wants so in reality, little rejection from my mouth accually went on. Knowing what a quiet internal man he is , I was *very bothered *that he CARRIED that & didn't share it with me, Putting himself down for me. 

All young people should be counseled on these sex drive Mis matches before they marry! 

I think ONLY LOVE & vowing to please the other on both sides can conquer these sexual mismatches in marraige, in these revolving sexual highs & lows throughout marriage. 

Even as he ages, if he can not rise to the occasion, their are toys , we have hands, many ways. Books have been written to explore many forms of sexual intimacy. 

Has he had this Testosterone checked? Test is the HORMONE of that wonderful DESIRE & aggressive sex drive. If he is not falling asleep after work, if he still get erections without trouble, he is likely "fine" in this area. 

If you can overcome whatever emotional WALL that was built during those years when he felt rejected, he may want to be more affectionately intimate, which will lead to more sex on a regular basis. If he struggles with erections - at his age, Viagra is very common. They do NOTHING for "desire" but many report feeling like a young stud again, I would think this would raise some enthusiasm. 

And brushing up on your sexual skills & techniques, trying new things to arouse him, asking what turns him on, and plan to do it. Oral sex becomes more & more important as men age, they need more & more stimulation. 

Amazon.com: All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 (9781590770276): Barbara Keesling: Books


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Tempted,
> Have you stayed in good physical condition? I only ask because for some men, weight can be a turn off. And if that is an issue, you might make some progress by getting more fit.
> 
> On a separate note, have you ever directly asked him if he is resentful for all the times you rejected him when the two of you were younger? I only ask because an older guy, with a naturally lower sex drive, could be much more impacted by resentments. A younger guy - he could resent the heck out of you and still want sex. But in his mid-50's if you have a guy who thinks you jerked him around royally for a long time and never really showed much remorse for it. That might not go over very well.


I am overweight. I have lost it before and there was no reaction from him. Over time I've given up trying and gained it again. I am now in the process of trying to lose it for me. 

I did address this with him. I apologized for not recognizing his needs and meeting them and not realizing how important it was to him. I told him how much I regretted my earlier behavior. He seems fine with it other than that he doesn't want to discuss his lack of desire. He gets very angry if I bring it up. 
Thank you for you thoughtful insight.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It really sucks that when men want it the MOST, in their sexual prime (early 20's) , us women are "slow" sexually, and not all that into it , then as we get older, we come into our Prime when they are slowing down sexually -due to decreasing Testosterone levels.
> 
> My drive is a little higher than my husbands now. For a time, it was ALOT higher. It sure helps when you have a spouse who wants to please you because they LOVE you . I wonder if your husband is feeling* resentful *for all the years you rejected him?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your ideas. I have tried things to arouse him. A couple of weeks ago I straddled him and went down on him leaving myself within access of his mouth. He did give me oral for a few minutes but then quit again. If I initiate it, he'll tolerate it for a while but usually lets me know he doesn't want to continue. I've talked about jazzing things up, maybe some bondage. He just laughs it off and says he has no interest in that. I have offered blow jobs, he rejects those. I have tried everything I know of to tempt him. He treats me like a roommate most of the time. I would be happy if he wasn't in the mood if he would just stimulate me but he doesn't offer and I feel awkward asking for that. I guess I'm too afraid of being rejected again. I've told him how much I enjoy it when he goes down on me and yet he won't. I even started shaving down there to make it more pleasant for him. Nothing. 

For a short time he did have some erectile problems and tried Viagra or something like it. He insists it gives him a headache and doesn't like to take it. His body has responded much better since he started taking the Avodart for his enlarged prostrate but he sometimes has a problem reaching a climax. 

As for my earlier rejection, 
I did address this with him. I apologized for not recognizing his needs and meeting them and not realizing how important it was to him. I told him how much I regretted my earlier behavior. He seems fine with it other than that he doesn't want to discuss his lack of desire. He gets very angry if I bring it up.
How can I make that up to him? 
Let me make it clear though, that he wasn't a saint during those times. When we would argue, he would threaten to leave if I disagreed with him. He's been emotionally abusive to me and wasn't any help with the housework and much of the stuff to do with kids. Which was probably why I felt like when I did get some time to myself, I wanted to indulge in me time and wasn't feeling particularly loving towards him.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Tempted6119 said:


> I am a 50 yr old woman. I've been married for 31 years. My issue is not enough sex in my marriage. Like many of you.
> I am hesitant to post and be honest because I've seen some people get blasted on here and that, in my opinion, is not helpful. I am willing to risk this, I guess, because I have also seen some caring, insightful answers and that is what I'm seeking.
> 
> I know what you mean about the rare snarky attitude. I find that the majority of the help is delivered in a polite and caring way. I just block people who are mean; I have only had to do that for 2 people.
> ...


My husband and I agreed on certain sexual ground rules. He will get ED treated if it becomes a problem and we will always arrive at a middle ground if frequency ever becomes an issue. Luckily, sex is important to both of us and we like the same things in bed. I want to have sex 7 days a week and he cannot manage that often, so we agree on 3-4 times a week. It is a compromise; your husband doesn't want to come to any consensus. I don't see it getting better if that is hgow he wants to approach it. He may have lower testosterone levels. Your story reminds all sexually unavailable spouses of how built up resentment can cause serious issues.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tempted, it sounds like you're doing a lot of the right things. But if your spouse won't be honest with the medical and mental health professionals, it's pretty useless to involve them, unless you're there to call him on his BS. Have you tried joint counselling?

As far as the Viagra, I can confirm that this is a side effect of Cialis. It's not a good feeling, but for me, it happened about 4 to 6 hours after taking one, and the benefits far out-weighed the drawbacks. But I'm in a new and exciting relationship, where I'm much more interested in making things work. And it seems to me that the headache went away with a couple of Advil, in any case.

This is extreme, but if it's not an advantage to either of you financially to split up, you could propose some sort of open or alternative relationship. After all, if it's that or divorce, what do you have to lose? But if it comes down to a financial decision, have you talked to someone (a lawyer) about how things would look financially? If you've given up all your earning potential to be a stay at home mom, you wouldn't likely be leaving empty-handed.

As far as the cheating goes... You're starting down a slippery slope. One that I traveled myself. My advice, decide what you want to do and go for it. If that means working on your marriage without looking for on-line love, that's great. If that means leaving, then do it. But trying to have your cake and eat it too will likely blow up in your face, and end up worse when the dust settles. This is coming from someone who's cheated in a similar situation. I don't feel horribly guilty for cheating, but I do feel bad about the decision I made.

C


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I agree with MRS.G


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I know exactly what you are feeling. I am in the same situation. My H has told me that his testosterone levels are low (he hasn't been tested) he will not do anything about it. So i have doubt in my mind that is the issue.

My H and i have sex once, every other month (if that). It is torment. Sex talk is a form of cheating. I got emotionally involved with someone i have never met, it lasted 8 months. I ended it before it went any further. I would have wound up sleeping with him if i wouldn't have ended it.

The only thing you can do at this point is fix yourself. You can not fix someone else. I have no answers for you beyond that.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *It really sucks that when men want it the MOST, in their sexual prime (early 20's) , us women are "slow" sexually, and not all that into it , then as we get older, we come into our Prime when they are slowing down sexually -due to decreasing Testosterone levels. *My drive is a little higher than my husbands now. For a time, it was ALOT higher. It sure helps when you have a spouse who wants to please you because they LOVE you . I wonder if your husband is feeling* resentful *for all the years you rejected him?
> 
> I am sure these things can play a huge unforseen role into how he IS today- now with responding to YOUR sexual needs & desires, when his was so easily put down. Especially if he suffered alot of pain , remaining faithful but also with growing resentment through the years. Have you ever talked about this, openly up that can of worms? And showed him how sorry you are , let him know NOW you know how he felt all those years? And you want to make up for it ?
> 
> ...


I peaked at 24 and now I am still like a teenage boy. Lock me up if I turn 35 and get another peak. :rofl:


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

There is probably no way to appologize for what has happened in the past, his prime is gone and you cant go back in time and change it. He is not a slave to sex anymore and can do his own thing and probably does not care if you are there or not.

You dont get to cheat him out of a one time shot in his life and then cry a little and appologize and everything is better. He lost what could have been some amazing expereiences. I was colder about it and divorced my wife when that happened I am not about to loose my prime. I lost maybe 6 months.

Life is too short. This is a good thread for young men dealing with quarlsome wives and the consequences of not leaving them 6 months after the sex problems happen (you want to give around 6 months for her to figure out that what she is doing it destructive and totally unacceptable through counseling or whatever, I woudl start the clock from the time you recommend the counseling whether she goes or not). Not worth it to stick around, some men stick around because of the fear of child support but loosing your high drive years is not worth a couple bucks


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

Tempted6119 said:


> Thanks for your ideas. I have tried things to arouse him. ...Let me make it clear though, that he wasn't a saint during those times. When we would argue, he would threaten to leave if I disagreed with him. He's been emotionally abusive to me and wasn't any help with the housework and much of the stuff to do with kids. Which was probably why I felt like when I did get some time to myself, I wanted to indulge in me time and wasn't feeling particularly loving towards him.


I want to congratulate you on a couple things. First, for reaching out here, to talk about this. I wonder if, like me, this is the first place you have talked about these things with an open mind.

Second, you have recognized your own needs. That is, I think the foundation to a healthy way forward. Whatever happened in the past is a lesson now, but not a burden you need carry around with guilt. Let it go - and ask for forgiveness from God if you are that way. It is important to be humble - to know we do the best we can, given what we know. And we do grow and change, which you are doing now. However, you do need to recognize that while you are on this journey of realization, he may not be (does not seem to be). 

In terms of your frustration, it doesn't sound like you really know whether he is being mean on purpose (doesn't sound like it), or whether he has walled himself off (possible, given the past), or whether he has physical challenges (also possible). 

I would encourage you to see a counselor by yourself. You need to have support while you work through the steps of either getting a divorce or managing the situation you have, or rebuilding your sex life. 

And, finally, in terms of the tone of your relationship, if he has "not been a saint" it sounds like you have had some serious power struggle in your relationship. Being vulnerable - as in expressing your ardent desire and need for sex, may not be helpful, especially if he feels that you withheld or did not want sex for a long time. He may use that (and I don't mean on purpose, but just as a matter of habit) as an opportunity to be "not a saint" and this might be quite hurtful, as you have discussed. 

so best wishes. It is a long journey - one step at a time. Set a goal - a very modest goal - and work towards it. Pick the "low-hanging fruit" - the easy stuff. At least your husband will do a little bit with you. The more exciting stuff might be beyond reach right now. 

But you might be playing with fire by having a affair on the side - nothing your husband can do right now will measure up to the excitement of a new lover. So you are stacking the decks against success. If that is what you want, go for it, but it sounds like a complicated life that leaves you feeling bitter. It also sounds like it might sweep you into divorce if you get found out, and if he has been loyal in spite of things, he might be really, really, mean in a divorce situation. You need to make a conscious choice about the risk you are taking - so find a counselor and talk it through.


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

correction - you said internet chat, not lover, but I think the emotional enagement will start to come if you are internet chatting. try and find another way to get affirmation that you are gorgeous and deserving. Maybe join an exercise class with pole dancing!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

rppearso said:


> There is probably no way to appologize for what has happened in the past, his prime is gone and you cant go back in time and change it. He is not a slave to sex anymore and can do his own thing and probably does not care if you are there or not.
> 
> You dont get to cheat him out of a one time shot in his life and then cry a little and appologize and everything is better.


This is a very common thing from what I've read in my marriage books. Sad but true. And many men say forget it and they're done. The resentment is too deep and they think cool now she gets to feel what I felt all those years. It may simply be too late. 

I wish more women realized this. They need to realize that one day they will likely want sex (40's are fabulous for women) but if they turn their husbands down in their 20's and 30's they might be shocked to find their men would now rather play golf than have sex.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Tempted6119 said:


> His body has responded much better since he started taking the Avodart for his enlarged prostrate but he sometimes has a problem reaching a climax.
> 
> Probably the crux of the problem right here.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

I want to say thank you to all for your helpful advice. I am taking it under consideration I have much to think about and decide on. Thanks for taking the time to help a stranger and to do it so kindly. 
I appreciate it very much.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

C[/QUOTE]



rppearso said:


> There is probably no way to appologize for what has happened in the past, his prime is gone and you cant go back in time and change it. He is not a slave to sex anymore and can do his own thing and probably does not care if you are there or not.
> 
> You dont get to cheat him out of a one time shot in his life and then cry a little and appologize and everything is better. He lost what could have been some amazing expereiences. I was colder about it and divorced my wife when that happened I am not about to loose my prime. I lost maybe 6 months.
> 
> Life is too short. This is a good thread for young men dealing with quarlsome wives and the consequences of not leaving them 6 months after the sex problems happen (you want to give around 6 months for her to figure out that what she is doing it destructive and totally unacceptable through counseling or whatever, I woudl start the clock from the time you recommend the counseling whether she goes or not). Not worth it to stick around, some men stick around because of the fear of child support but loosing your high drive years is not worth a couple bucks


Actually I was not a quarrelsome wife, but was very submissive in most ways. There were many problems in the marriage and my lack of desire most probably reflected him not being there for me emotionally and being emotionally abusive. When you try to solve a disagreement by saying, "If you don't like me the way I am, I'll just leave." Or worse, once taking his gun out after an argument which ended in, "Maybe I should just shoot myself." and walking out of the house, being gone for hours and leaving me worried out of my mind, that doesn't leave a lot of room for sexual desire. Please don't judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

> Actually I was not a quarrelsome wife, but was very submissive in most ways. There were many problems in the marriage and my lack of desire most probably reflected him not being there for me emotionally and being emotionally abusive. When you try to solve a disagreement by saying, "If you don't like me the way I am, I'll just leave." Or worse, once taking his gun out after an argument which ended in, "Maybe I should just shoot myself." and walking out of the house, being gone for hours and leaving me worried out of my mind, that doesn't leave a lot of room for sexual desire. Please don't judge until you've walked in someone else's shoes.


See now this is what happens when you only give 1/2 the story. The way your original post read was he was this great guy that you turned down sex because you were busy with kids. This puts a whole new spin on it.

I stand corrected. He's abusive, doesn't deserve you and I wish you'd ditch him and become a couger.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> See now this is what happens when you only give 1/2 the story. The way your original post read was he was this great guy that you turned down sex because you were busy with kids. This puts a whole new spin on it.
> 
> I stand corrected. He's abusive, doesn't deserve you and I wish you'd ditch him and become a couger.


Sorry. It was hard to get everything in the original post. To everyone else he is a great guy. In his own mind, he is a great guy. I've just seen the controlling abusive side of him that his family doesn't. He's also not honest with other people about how he really feels. If he thinks it's going to make him look bad, he won't admit to it even if that's really how he's feeling. Like depression. I think he's suffered with some of it for years but he'll take the quizzes and skew his answers so it comes out reading that he's not depressed because he doesn't want to be depressed. Whatever... 
Thanks Magnolia. It's very tempting, it really is. I'm worried about financial security and also being alone. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Like I said, I have some thinking to do.


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## meridian.1960 (Apr 22, 2011)

Just a thought.

1) the past is often better left in the past.

2) If your desire is to bring out his passion, may I suggest that you hit hime where it counts, his "EGO", the next time you are having "sex?" make him feel like you are really enjoying him (yes, fake it) his ego just may make him want to please you for real.

Warmly,

Meridian


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Sexual frustruation can lead to anger, he probably felt like a caged animal for all thoes years especially if there were kids. This is one of thoes situations where you made your bed and you have to lay in it. Unless you are somehow still really hot I highly doubt you will be a cougar at 50 years old.

Its like the guy that killed someone, your not likely going to get out of life in prison. Cheating your husband for all thoes years is non trivial and you cant just say your sorry, cry a little and everything is all better. This is one of thoes life screw ups you cant really recover from kind of like killing someone. Fortunatly you dont have to go to jail but there is no magic fix from online forum advice.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Sexual frustruation can lead to anger, he probably felt like a caged animal for all thoes years especially if there were kids. This is one of thoes situations where you made your bed and you have to lay in it. Unless you are somehow still really hot I highly doubt you will be a cougar at 50 years old.


:lol: :rofl: Well, that's just too funny! She readily admitted that she needed to lose some weight, etc. but most of the 50 year old men I meet are nothing to look at either! It does work both ways! I don't think that's the issue. 

Not to mention that she's mentioned that he was emotionally abusive as well. There seems to be more to this than meets the eye. 

You aren't DEAD at 50. To be stuck in a loveless marriage is NOT something anyone should have to put up with, whether you be 20, 50 or 70! Not in this day and age! I don't know how old you are, but if you are in your mid 20s than I'd imagine that you are thinking that 50 is the end of the road but trust me, it's not. With some dedication towards a diet, exercise and taking care of oneself you can still be pretty "hot" and even if you aren't a Playboy Bunny you can FEEL like one and if the confidence and self esteem is there you can ACT like one!

How do I know? Well I myself am approaching the big 5-0 at 47 and I am in BETTER shape than I was in college when it comes to muscle tone and I consider myself quite well preserved. My H has a large picture of me from when we first got married sitting next to a mirror in his bedroom. I was 26 then. I looked at it and then looked in the mirror and thought "Hell, I look better now!"


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :rofl: Well, that's just too funny! She readily admitted that she needed to lose some weight, etc. but most of the 50 year old men I meet are nothing to look at either! It does work both ways! I don't think that's the issue.
> 
> Not to mention that she's mentioned that he was emotionally abusive as well. There seems to be more to this than meets the eye.
> 
> ...


Sexual frustration can cause a man to be emotionally abusive or distant. She could leave him and she would be a black widow and any man would be smart to stay away from her, what man wants a woman who defrauded her first husband and then expected him to perform when it was convient for her and because now SHE was horny, I feel sorry for any man that gets involved with her.

I think its funny that you say leave the bum but in just another thread there were posters saying I was out of line for leaving my ex when she stopped performing .... because I was not going to be that guy that the OP is married to, there is definitly a double standard and its really evil.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Sexual frustration can cause a man to be emotionally abusive or distant. She could leave him and she would be a black widow and any man would be smart to stay away from her, what man wants a woman who defrauded her first husband and then expected him to perform when it was convient for her and because now SHE was horny, I feel sorry for any man that gets involved with her.
> 
> I think its funny that you say leave the bum but in just another thread there were posters saying I was out of line for leaving my ex when she stopped performing .... because I was not going to be that guy that the OP is married to, there is definitly a double standard and its really evil.


You gave your wife 6 months to have sex with you and then left? 

Six months is nothing like the years some men spend in sexless marriages. So you should not be so angry 6 months may have been difficult but you have a new relationship with a wife who does perform for you. Some men are not that lucky. 

OP check out the financial hit you will take if you leave. It may not be as bad as you think. As for being alone - many of the angry men will tell you that you don't have a chance. Those are scare tactics only insecure men use to make themselves feel that they have all of the choices. 

I have two aunts who divorced their husband and remarried. They were older than you. They were weight appropriate though. Obesity is many times the deciding factor in wheather an older woman can attract a man not age. If you look around it is sometimes hard to find a woman over 50 who is not obese and who have no activities or interest in life. Sedetary and obese is not a formula for success. 

I am not trying to be mean but to let you know that some of the post from men try to control the image of women because they have been hurt and frustrated. My aunts are interesting involved in life active and happy. They are hard to resist. Start by losing the weight and exercise. Find something you are passionate about and become involved. Get out and meet people. 

You sound depressed, quite naturally. Depression is a feeling of hopelessness, your situation is only hopeless if you do not act. You ate letting fear hold you in a bad and depressing place. Why would you want to have sex with such an abusive man? 

Stay with him and build yourself up, as you do, your outlook will change. Block out all references to what a 50 yo woman can't get. It not true, floating that myth Is on the same continuum as all of the negative messages to women from angry men. Just think about my two jaunty aunts then get out there and take thi chi or something. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You gave your wife 6 months to have sex with you and then left?
> 
> Six months is nothing like the years some men spend in sexless marriages. So you should not be so angry 6 months may have been difficult but you have a new relationship with a wife who does perform for you. Some men are not that lucky.
> 
> ...


Yep, thats the longest im willing to be cheated out of what I want, how crappy would it be to have a quarlsome wife who defrauded you out of your youth to just leave you because she was a prude in the past and cant make up for it. Sorry im going to leave WAY before im that guy. So now she leaves and is happy after having stole her ex's life, I wont have my life stolen sorry. Actually even a month is too long, that was about how long it was with my ex where there was actually no sex the 5 months before it was just really dramatic to get sex.

The same applies for men, dont think there are not women out there who perform in bed because there are, I was on craigslist for less than a week and had a Friends with Benifits, about 3 times a week of really kinky stuff which is a little light but its a FWB's then met my future wife and about a week after we met it was every other night really kinky stuff and its that way to this day. I had all the doubts about thinking there was no one out there, thats scare tactics prude women come up with, there are plenty of women out there that rim, give BJ's and swallow, anal, etc.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Sexual frustration can cause a man to be emotionally abusive or distant. She could leave him and she would be a black widow and any man would be smart to stay away from her, what man wants a woman who defrauded her first husband and then expected him to perform when it was convient for her and because now SHE was horny, I feel sorry for any man that gets involved with her.


:lol: What CENTURY were you born in? :scratchhead: If she decided to leave her husband for WHATEVER reason she would be perfectly able to rebuild her life. Maybe she and her husband aren't compatible. That doesn't mean she can't be with someone else or wouldn't act differently with someone else! 

Have you read the entire thread? I don't think she defrauded him. There seems to be A LOT going on and both parties seem to have played a role. I'm in a similar situation. It's all too simple to point the finger at one person and say it's all their fault. Most things aren't that cut and dry.

And now she wants to make amends and improve the situation rather than just pack up and leave without trying to work things out. If there there is love and a willingness to stay married and build a relationship then why not give someone another chance? "To err is Human, to forgive Divine." If she is willing to take a chance, why shouldn't he? 

You seem to have a very narrowminded viewpoint. It's your right to be that way but that's not how I tend to be so I can't relate. . You seem to take a very broad brush and paint people either black or white and life isn't like that..There are usually multiple shades of grey involved. 



> I think its funny that you say leave the bum but in just another thread there were posters saying I was out of line for leaving my ex when she stopped performing .... because I was not going to be that guy that the OP is married to, there is definitly a double standard and its really evil.


Hmm..I don't recall saying she should leave. I said it was within her rights TO leave and should she make that decision then it would NOT be the end of her life. NO ONE should stay in a loveless marriage out of fear of being alone. Maybe in 1951 women had to feel that way but not now. 

A 50 year old woman is as vibrant and entitled to go out and rebuild a new life either alone or with someone else as someone who is "hot" and in their 20s...and you were implying that this isn't the case. I tend to think differently. I will say that in most ways I'm a lot stronger, more confident and better off now approaching 50 than I was at 25. At 25 I was a mess, plain and simple. With age comes experience, wisdom and a new outlook that can benefit someone greatly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Goodness, you have been more sucessful than 9O% of the men looking for sex acts. What are the chances that you can find a women who will do all of these acts. The stats are that in the 20 age group - only 20% women have anal sex, 40% give bj, probably a vanishing small proportion rim. You have hit the jack pot in a sex performer. But I would not encourage other men to ditch there wives and go on Craigslist to fill in the gaps with a FWB until tgey find a sex performer. The chances of being as fortunate as you is small. 

What is with the prude business? What do you call men who are bad lovers there has got to be a term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: What CENTURY were you born in? :scratchhead: If she decided to leave her husband for WHATEVER reason she would be perfectly able to rebuild her life. Maybe she and her husband aren't compatible. That doesn't mean she can't be with someone else or wouldn't act differently with someone else!
> 
> Have you read the entire thread? I don't think she defrauded him. There seems to be A LOT going on and both parties seem to have played a role. I'm in a similar situation. It's all too simple to point the finger at one person and say it's all their fault. Most things aren't that cut and dry.
> 
> ...


Then it sounds like we are in agreement and you should have no qualms with a man in his 20's leaving his wife for lack of performance either.


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Goodness, you have been more sucessful than 9O% of the men looking for sex acts. What are the chances that you can find a women who will do all of these acts. The stats are that in the 20 age group - only 20% women have anal sex, 40% give bj, probably a vanishing small proportion rim. You have hit the jack pot in a sex performer. But I would not encourage other men to ditch there wives and go on Craigslist to fill in the gaps with a FWB until tgey find a sex performer. The chances of being as fortunate as you is small.
> 
> What is with the prude business? What do you call men who are bad lovers there has got to be a term.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just takes effort, what are the odds of someone growing up poor getting a degree in chemical engineering, getting a PE, a pilots licence and working on a masters in EE, buying a condo and working their way up to almost 100k a year, marrying and divorcing and finding an amazing second wife all before 30. Next I plan on learning german and finishing up my masters. 

Just have to put your mind to it and weed out the prudes, I would be up till mid night replying to personal ads replying to return emails, setting up dates etc. However when a date was set up I knew she was game and that made the date all the sweeter. If men stop tolerating prudish behavior women will be forced to either do something about it or just stay single, which there is nothing wrong with but I dont think thats what most women want. Giving a rim job and sucking a guy off and swallowing is not rocket science and he will bend over backwards for you.

Also I would be curious where you got thoes stats becuase I would imagine it would be difficult to get a woman to admit to a random pollster that she enjoys performing rim jobs or any other sex act for that matter.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rppearso said:


> Then it sounds like we are in agreement and you should have no qualms with a man in his 20's leaving his wife for lack of performance either.


Nope. I'm all for leaving regardless of the reason if you are unhappy in your marriage, especially if you don't have kids. Once you have kids it's very, very complicated. Even if you leave the marriage, if you are a decent person you can't just walk away easily. Kids are the "ties that bind you" to your spouse, there's no way around that. 

I think if I'd been a different person in my 20s and early 30s I would've left my marriage. I almost did at one point. If I was the person then that I am now I would've. If given the chance to do it all again I wouldn't even get married.

Unlike a lot of people, especially women, I don't MIND being alone. I do quite well at it. For a lot of my marriage I did things alone. I went to car shows alone. I raced my car alone. I wheeled my Jeep alone. I traveled all over the country alone. I took up kayaking and have camped alone. I don't mind living alone. I like being by myself and I never get bored no matter what I do. I can always find something to amuse myself. 

And if I have to give myself an orgasm alone then that's what I'll do. I won't sleep with someone I don't love though and I don't think online dating is for me. I'd rather just be alone. It's just the way I am. I don't look down on those who do sleep around. It's their thing and that's fine but it's not for me. 

Like I said, I don't judge, I just comment.


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Nope. I'm all for leaving regardless of the reason if you are unhappy in your marriage, especially if you don't have kids. Once you have kids it's very, very complicated. Even if you leave the marriage, if you are a decent person you can't just walk away easily. Kids are the "ties that bind you" to your spouse, there's no way around that.
> 
> I think if I'd been a different person in my 20s and early 30s I would've left my marriage. I almost did at one point. If I was the person then that I am now I would've. If given the chance to do it all again I wouldn't even get married.


You can still be in your kids life without staying in the marriage though, unless work or life circumstances force you to move away from them but thats just life sometimes.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rppearso said:


> You can still be in your kids life without staying in the marriage though, unless work or life circumstances force you to move away from them but thats just life sometimes.


Yep, you can. I agree but someone has to make the commitment to be the primary caretaker for the kids. At one time that caretaker was my husband. 

I wasn't emotionally ready for that until recently. Now, I have no problem raising the kids and doing what's needed. My H sees them, especially my son, quite a bit and is involved in their lives even though we don't live with him. It works out quite well. 

But now I'm the wage earner, the homemaker and the primary parent. Once he was. It's weird how we've switched places. In a few years my kids will be on their own and then things should get interesting. Maybe the sex will get better, who knows? I'll get my nice master bedroom with the king sized bed back. . Right now my daughter is sleeping in that bedroom because I feel it's important that the kids each have their own room. I live in the living room and sleep on the nice futon.


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, you can. I agree but someone has to make the commitment to be the primary caretaker for the kids. At one time that caretaker was my husband.
> 
> I wasn't emotionally ready for that until recently. Now, I have no problem raising the kids and doing what's needed. My H sees them, especially my son, quite a bit and is involved in their lives even though we don't live with him. It works out quite well.
> 
> But now I'm the wage earner, the homemaker and the primary parent. Once he was. It's weird how we've switched places. In a few years my kids will be on their own and then things should get interesting. Maybe the sex will get better, who knows? I'll get my nice master bedroom with the king sized bed back. . Right now my daughter is sleeping in that bedroom because I feel it's important that the kids each have their own room. I live in the living room and sleep on the nice futon.


I would not do well with a toddler or a baby so that will be my wifes thing if/when we have kids, I will likely be more involved when they are around the age of accountability.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rppearso said:


> I would not do well with a toddler or a baby so that will be my wifes thing if/when we have kids, I will likely be more involved when they are around the age of accountability.


Yep..that was me! I couldn't stand the whole baby/toddler stage. The demands of it, the lifestyle, the restrictions..it drove me nuts. My husband probably saved our marriage by basically cutting me loose and letting me have my freedom when our kids were young. Now I guess he figures it's my turn and it's payback time. That's the distinct impression I get. 

But I don't mind. I'd like to work less and have more money but my kids are teenagers and I really enjoy living with them. I like teenagers probably because I can relate so well to them. I hit 17 and pretty much stopped.  Plus my teenagers can stay home by themselves and I can have a LIFE separate from them. 15 years of being a prisoner in my own house when my kids were young was pretty awful. I hated all the "kid" things we had to do too..the going to the playground, gymboree, the school activities, etc... Definitely not for me.

I don't have any problem with empty nest syndrome. Part of me is looking forward to it. More money, freedom to do the stuff I want to do..sounds good by me! :smthumbup:

Be forewarned that you will want to be as honest and open when it comes to discussing child rearing with your wife. You need to approach it much as you've have with expectations about sex and lay it out beforehand. Many women have some strange ideas when it comes to child rearing and life as a parent and you want to make sure you don't get ambushed because the sweet wife who would accommodate your every wish and whim as a bride may not be the same way as a mother. Trust me on this.


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep..that was me! I couldn't stand the whole baby/toddler stage. The demands of it, the lifestyle, the restrictions..it drove me nuts. My husband probably saved our marriage by basically cutting me loose and letting me have my freedom when our kids were young. Now I guess he figures it's my turn and it's payback time. That's the distinct impression I get.
> 
> But I don't mind. I'd like to work less and have more money but my kids are teenagers and I really enjoy living with them. I like teenagers probably because I can relate so well to them. I hit 17 and pretty much stopped.  Plus my teenagers can stay home by themselves and I can have a LIFE separate from them. 15 years of being a prisoner in my own house when my kids were young was pretty awful. I hated all the "kid" things we had to do too..the going to the playground, gymboree, the school activities, etc... Definitely not for me.
> 
> ...


We talked it over in detail. If im not happy because she decides sex is not important things will get really unhappy for the whole family, if im expected to be the primary diaper changer then the baby will be upset alot because im not a nurturer, I beat the dog when it poops on the floor and am about to get it a shock collar. I guess you cant gaurentee everything in life but if im not happy then that is going to drive my decisions, my wife knows this and she is not going to sabatoge our lives, its not like im difficult to keep happy lol.

Some women make sexual acts out to be like their husbands are asking them to become nasa astronuats, its really not that hard.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Good communications is very important. I think people rush into marriage without discussing their wants, needs, values and in the end it bites them hard. Another problem is that people tend to change as they grow older. I know I have. Sometimes that has a real negative impact too. 

I don't own a dog. No poop on the carpet for me.  That was an issue in my marriage that I wouldn't budge on. My H wanted a dog. I said "no way". I don't want the shedding, the smell, the responsibility financially or dealing with the care taking and I want to be able to go away whenever I want and not have to worry about where the dog stays. The kids are bad enough!

Now my H lives alone and still doesn't have a dog. Interesting.  

My parents used to fight about having sex all the time and now I do. I really sucks. I know that if I'm ever single again I'd never commit myself to someone who doesn't share my level of sex drive or energy in general. It's just too much of an obstacle to deal with. Often love does NOT conquer all!


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Jadegreen said:


> I want to congratulate you on a couple things. First, for reaching out here, to talk about this. I wonder if, like me, this is the first place you have talked about these things with an open mind.
> Thank You! This was hard for me to open up and trust. I was afraid. Answers like yours and most of the others have been very helpful and given me a lot to think about.
> 
> Second, you have recognized your own needs. That is, I think the foundation to a healthy way forward. Whatever happened in the past is a lesson now, but not a burden you need carry around with guilt. Let it go - and ask for forgiveness from God if you are that way. It is important to be humble - to know we do the best we can, given what we know. And we do grow and change, which you are doing now. However, you do need to recognize that while you are on this journey of realization, he may not be (does not seem to be).
> ...


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

meridian.1960 said:


> Just a thought.
> 
> 1) the past is often better left in the past.
> 
> ...


This is a very good suggestion and one I shall have to try. Thanks!


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :rofl: Well, that's just too funny! She readily admitted that she needed to lose some weight, etc. but most of the 50 year old men I meet are nothing to look at either! It does work both ways! I don't think that's the issue.
> 
> Not to mention that she's mentioned that he was emotionally abusive as well. There seems to be more to this than meets the eye.
> 
> ...


You know it's funny you say that, but I think many times when I see people's wedding pictures and then see them years later that they actually do look better now. Good for you for taking care of yourself.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You gave your wife 6 months to have sex with you and then left?
> 
> Six months is nothing like the years some men spend in sexless marriages. So you should not be so angry 6 months may have been difficult but you have a new relationship with a wife who does perform for you. Some men are not that lucky.
> 
> ...


Thank you Catherine! I like the image of your jaunty aunts.  I was very hurt by the poster with all the negative things to say to me but I finally figured out he's the one with a problem. He's obviously still very hurt and resentful of his first wife and transferring that to me. I was ready to not come back to this forum because of his hurtful comments but then the light bulb went on and I can see him for what he is and pity him.


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Tempted6119 said:


> Thank you Catherine! I like the image of your jaunty aunts.  I was very hurt by the poster with all the negative things to say to me but I finally figured out he's the one with a problem. He's obviously still very hurt and resentful of his first wife and transferring that to me. I was ready to not come back to this forum because of his hurtful comments but then the light bulb went on and I can see him for what he is and pity him.


Not really I think I got off pretty easy, I lost a few months of sex which is not to bad, but just knowing how bad thoes few months were I could not even imagine having to deal with that for years, I was already looking for prostitutes after a month of refusal and had I stayed with my ex for any length of time in that situtation I would have likely regularly had prostitutes service me, thankfully the relationship ended.

This post is like someone saying, I murdered someone and now someone is being mean to me ..... ya think.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Welcome Tempted, you know I got your back girl. She is a milf, I have told her often that she looks like Elizabeth Taylor, we know each other lol. Stay, this place is wonderful and helped me through alot of tough times, when I am feeling down, I come here, and remember I am not the only and try to help others the best I can, if you go, I will come where you and deck ya LOL!!!!


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

paramore said:


> Welcome Tempted, you know I got your back girl.


Thank you! lol:smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> See now this is what happens when you only give 1/2 the story. The way your original post read was he was this great guy that you turned down sex because you were busy with kids. This puts a whole new spin on it.
> 
> I stand corrected. He's abusive, doesn't deserve you and I wish you'd ditch him and become a couger.


just saying.........most couger are very hot nto over weight.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this post is the ultimate double standard


when he was willing and desirous of her she rejected him.

I know he was a jerk.....but did she ever say if you were not a jerk maybe I would desire you more?

now the shoe is not the other foot and its a different story.

shes cheating on him,was a refuser for years but now she horney and he isn't.if he was a abusive jerk for years why would you want to make love now?


don't make sense to me. 

I guess men are supost be able to control their sexual urges but women don't have to?

thats a bunch of BS

you made your bed its going to tough to get to sleep all worked up just like is was for him all thoes years.Oh wait you can just have a cyber affair anit that nice you go girl you deserve it!!!!!!!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, you can. I agree but someone has to make the commitment to be the primary caretaker for the kids. At one time that caretaker was my husband.
> 
> I wasn't emotionally ready for that until recently. Now, I have no problem raising the kids and doing what's needed. My H sees them, especially my son, quite a bit and is involved in their lives even though we don't live with him. It works out quite well.
> 
> But now I'm the wage earner, the homemaker and the primary parent. Once he was. It's weird how we've switched places. In a few years my kids will be on their own and then things should get interesting. Maybe the sex will get better, who knows? I'll get my nice master bedroom with the king sized bed back. . *Right now my daughter is sleeping in that bedroom because I feel it's important that the kids each have their own room. I live in the living room and sleep on the nice futon*.


Are you serious? She does not pay the mortgage, so she has no right to sleep in the master bedroom. It is YOUR house!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yep, it's my house. Actually it's a townhouse apartment with 2 bedrooms..so that's one bedroom for each kid. I feel it's important that a 16 year old girl (soon to be 17) have her own personal space. She's gone through a lot this past year and in many ways it's made things better (she loves where we live now, it's closer to her school and friends, etc) But the circumstances under which we moved were pretty stressful. Stability and privacy is important for kids, especially teenagers, and I think having her own room is a necessity for her and that's not the case for me. I don't have a problem sleeping in the living room. 

So I gave her the master bedroom and my king sized bed is in there. She has another year or so left before she goes to college and I'll get it back. Then she'll be on the futon downstairs. Right now she does more than sleep in the bedroom. She does her homework there and entertains her friends there too. She has a lot of friends and they often sleep over and it works well to have her in the larger bedroom. I wouldn't WANT her and her friends in the living room all the time because that's where my son and I hang out. 

I have no problem with the futon. As I said before, it's a NICE futon. Top of the line and very comfortable and it's right where I spend most of my time, in the living room with the computer and my elliptical machine and stereo. In the mornings I roll out of bed and work out and I like to listen to my music before going to sleep. I don't NEED a bedroom but my daughter does. I think it's important she have one. 

Plus, she's a great kid, not some spoiled rotten teenager. She works after school and on weekends to have her own money. She's an honor student and she's awesome. Same with my son. I'm lucky to have two wonderful kids and I'm trying to do good by them. Fortunately they have done VERY well with the move and separation. There's no strife, anger, bitterness or problems at all.

My husband has a house that he lives in himself and if and when we have the urge to merge we have a whole house to play in so no issues there!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Yep, it's my house. Actually it's a townhouse apartment with 2 bedrooms..so that's one bedroom for each kid. I feel it's important that a 16 year old girl (soon to be 17) have her own personal space. She's gone through a lot this past year and in many ways it's made things better (she loves where we live now, it's closer to her school and friends, etc) But the circumstances under which we moved were pretty stressful. Stability and privacy is important for kids, especially teenagers, and I think having her own room is a necessity for her and that's not the case for me. I don't have a problem sleeping in the living room. I think that you are a very smart parent. I suppose it's the way I grew up; there were four kids and none of us got the master. I always had my own room because I am the only daughter. I don't think girls should share with boys unless they are very little, like under 5. I used to crawl in bed with my brother a lot because I was scared of the dark. Some might think that was creepy, but it was completely innocent. My mother used to love the sight of her son and daughter cuddled up in the morning. We were a very affectionate family, albeit dysfunctional.
> 
> So I gave her the master bedroom and my king sized bed is in there. She has another year or so left before she goes to college and I'll get it back. Then she'll be on the futon downstairs. Right now she does more than sleep in the bedroom. She does her homework there and entertains her friends there too. She has a lot of friends and they often sleep over and it works well to have her in the larger bedroom. I wouldn't WANT her and her friends in the living room all the time because that's where my son and I hang out. Whatever works for you. :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

> I think that you are a very smart parent. I suppose it's the way I grew up; there were four kids and none of us got the master. I always had my own room because I am the only daughter. I don't think girls should share with boys unless they are very little, like under 5. I used to crawl in bed with my brother a lot because I was scared of the dark. Some might think that was creepy, but it was completely innocent. My mother used to love the sight of her son and daughter cuddled up in the morning. We were a very affectionate family, albeit dysfunctional.


I agree with you about the different genders. It's one reason my kids each have their own room but I think that whenever possible you should give each their own room regardless, especially in the teenage years. 

Being a parent means sacrifice. You sacrifice your time, money, freedom, convenience and often things like a bedroom. My daughter doesn't get to drive my car though. It ends there. 



> Again, as long as you are happy with that arrangement, that is all that matters. I slept on a futon when I had bachelor apartments.


Happy? Well,it's more like content. It's not an ideal situation. I would rather have my own room and look forward to when I can in little more than a year. When my daughter goes off to college I'm moving in that room! Right now I occupy one of her closets and share closet space in my son's room and in the upp stairs hallway closet (fortunately our place has a lot of closets) and I sleep downstairs on the futon so I'm "spread out" and I look forward to condensing things.

Sleeping on the futon doesn't bother me much. Many times my daughter is sleeping at friend's houses and I sleep in her bed. Often my son WANTS to sleep downstairs. Both our computers are downstairs and he is on his a lot and when I want to go to bed early I set up the futon for him and sleep in his room. We're all pretty laid back in this sense and it's working well for us. 



> I was an amazing teenager too, though it was never appreciated until it was too late. I would have been much happier if my parents broke up when my dad cheated, but my mother wasn`t strong enough to be single, the way you are.


Same with my parents. They fought like crazy. They cheated on each other. My mother drove my father into an early grave. I haven't talked to my "family" in almost a decade and it was the BEST decision I ever made. Talked about a truly F-ed up household I grew up in. It's amazing I turned out the way I did but I think I'm a pretty decent person and I was a good kid. My son reminds me a lot of how I was but he's HAPPY and won't have the personal emotional baggage I did because my H and I raised the OPPOSITE of my parents, thank goodness! 



> So you are still married but living apart? Not sure I understand...


A lot of what me and my H are about is in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25049-sexless-seattle.html

If you don't want to wade through that threadt I'll just say that we are indeed married with no plans for divorce. Quite the opposite, we see each other all the time, mainly on weekends. We go away together and I stay at his place often with him and my son (my daughter chooses not to). We literally shuffle back and forth. 

In almost all aspects we are and act married except we live in separate households. He inherited his father's house so lives there and I keep a lot of my stuff there because he has a house with storage. I love my apartment but it's limited in space and I can do things like wash and work in my cars there too, while I can't where I live

The kids and I live in this apartment in a town where the school system is very good. My daughter started going to this high school when we lived in our previous home. It's one of the best school systems in the state and where we moved to was based on that. I also want my son to go to the same school. He is special needs and they have an excellent program here too and I want him to go the same high school as my daughter (he is in middle school now). 

So we live here and I LOVE living here as well. I like the town (it's a small city) and I like having my OWN place. My husband likes having his own place too! We didn't live well together day to day, 7 days a week. We love each other but we just couldn't seem to coexist in the same house. We are very incompatible in a lot of ways and each of us is also very set in our ways and stubborn, especially me. 

I think if we moved in together we'd still have the same problems as before, so why not avoid them and just live apart? Why be like my parents and subject the kids to yelling and arguments day after day, year after year. That's what we had before we separated and it was awful. Now it's gone!

There are a ton of advantages to this set up and a lot of why we are separated is mandatory.. such as the school situation (the town he is in has a terrible school system). And his house is a useful thing to have. It is a place to park my work truck and get water, something that is a must-have in my business. We save a lot of money just because of that. Not to mention having a place to store all our stuff, work on my cars, etc. etc. 

Some say to sell his house and buy a house here but in this market I don't think he'd get enough to buy a decent house or condo in this town but that's besides the point..We'd be in the same situation as before, living together every day and tearing at each other. The way it is now, we still have problems and disagreements but we can deflate the tension by going to our separate corners. 

Plus we have separate finances. Again, that works incredibly well for us, especially me. I have NEVER been able to trust anyone enough to combine my finances. It was a bone of contention between my H and I for years. Now that bone is buried. 

I truly LIKE the way it is now. If and when my H finds himself wanting me in a more sexual, passionate manner than I'll consider our relationship to be truly what I want. I'm working towards that now. That seems to be the only real problem on my end..Our sex life. Otherwise I like our life together and apart a lot. IMO this is how it always should've been!

Yeah, I'm weird. But that's just the way I am. I don't think I should ever have gotten married to begin with and I'll never get married again...But we are married and seem content to remain so here we are!

Eventually the kids will move out (about 6 years) and I guess we can make a final decision based on how the situation is at that point but right now I'm thinking the only change I'll make is to turn in this townhouse for a one bedroom. I like where I live and how I live so why change?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Everyone has their own version of what would make them happy. If you are pleased with your arrangement, then good for you. :smthumbup:

I am very sorry that you have had to separate, because of lack of sex. 

If I wanted to live apart from my spouse and keep everything separate, I wouldn't bother to stay married.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*!*



Mrs.G said:


> I am very sorry that you have had to separate, because of lack of sex.


Oh no no, my H and I didn't separate because of lack of sex! It's a problem in our relationship and has been on and off but it's not why we separated. Far from it. 

All of it really is in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25049-sexless-seattle.html

Why did we separate? The question should be "why did we marry?", or more to the point "why did I marry?"

I'm not sorry about the separation. It's the BEST thing that happened as a result of the mess we endured over the past year. Marriage just isn't for me. I shouldn't have done it 22 years ago and I'll never do it again. Many times over those years I regretted my decision to marry ANYONE. I am free now in many ways and I like it. It's not so much about my H. It's more about ME. 

In many ways I didn't act married. In some ways he didn't either but I think he was following my lead in many ways. With a "traditional" wife I think he would've been OK, although way back our group of friends had a bet on who among us would be the last or never marry and he was the one that came up as that guy. He has his quirks too. 

So I think it's more about what type of people we are. Then we all these problems, many that I went into in that thread and then finally the fallout with his alcoholism. In the end, that was the straw that broke proverbial camel's back..but there were many, many straws before that. 

So now we are separate but we don't want to divorce. I don't see the point in divorcing. We still love each other and desire to be with each other and physically we are with each other a lot. We shuffle back and forth between our two houses all the time. I compare it to having two campuses at one college. Divorce is an expensive and time consuming process and we'd get absolutely nothing from it. It would just cause problems and tension where there is none now. I see no point in doing it and neither does he. 

So technically we occupy a strange kind of limbo. He says we just have two different houses and that a lot of people do. But usually those people occupy the houses together at different times as opposed to living in them separately all the time as we are doing. 

So matter what he says I feel we are indeed separated but we're married. I think it works really well for me. For most it wouldn't work but I have never been "normal" in a conventional sense and I can truly say the same about my H. It's what drew us together long ago and keeps us together. I can say the same for my kids too.

We're all a family of freaks..and I'm the one that needs to be kept on the leash because by far I'm the freakiest! :rofl:


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