# Married Sex Life a Total Mess.



## Paul30 (Aug 27, 2009)

I'm a 29 year old male, and my wife has just turned 32.

I was a virgin when we met 5 years ago. She has had multiple partners going back several years...even one the day before our first date (I didn't know about that until years later). We were great together, had so much fun, and felt perfect for each other. She was the first and only girl I've been with.

We got married three years ago.

Our sex life from the first time until early last year was very good, but soon she started to become distant and cold to me, refusing to have sex for all of the classic reasons. She then hit me with some story about how she has had no libido or sex drive for years, and that she didnt care if she ever had sex again.

Of course not really caring about what I was supposed to do.

She then magically found her libido by cheating on me with first two guys, and having encounters with several others. After the turmoil of that she came to some bizarre conclusion that she was a lesbian, and almost ended our marriage over that. That lasted for about a week, and she decided she wanted to stay with me. 

By January, everything was going great...I thought. She was spending the whole month cheating on me with another guy, and having an encounter with a 2nd.

After confessing. She swore she would not do it again. She actually seemed honest this time, which isnt what I felt the last few times.

But now, after a modest attempt at a sex life, she is back to her "I dont have a libido" story again, after rebuffing me for the past few weeks. And she is going on about not caring if she wants to ever have sex again. She says maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, and she would go to a sex therapist. 

She said that before, and never went.

So now, here I am, 29, and living with an on-again, off-again, when convenient, nun. My daily lusting for her seems pointless, and when I hug her, it fells like I'm now hugging a female co-worker. She reciprocates ZERO sexual energy, and just seems so proud of it.

She still doesn't seem to care about what I'm suppose to do. 

I've basically been cheated out of a sex life, by someone that was all to happy to give one to several other people. I just feel so dizzy and depressed. Talking to her about it just gets her upset, and wailing about "I dont know what to do!". I'm reduced to having to rely on myself, which is just humiliating at this point of my life.

So if anyone has some advice or words of wisdom, I could sure use them. Thanks for reading.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Hi Paul,
I have written an article here:
Sexless Marriage?

You might be able to see your situation in it, but I have to admit, your case has more than the usual amount of issues. But let's be clear on one thing: It's not her that's cheated you out of a sex life, it's you. You have stayed with her no matter what she has dished out to you. It is very hard for her to respect you for that. Sorry, it's just human nature. Once a woman loses respect, the fancying goes out the window.

You need to read the threads on this site. Read read read. There is hope, but you will need to dig deep.

Some other good threads:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/7432-sound-horn-no-more-porn-2.html#post82438

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/7434-do-men-really-get-bored-their-wives.html

This last one starts off being about men, but soon switches to women!


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Paul,
I really don't have any advice for you. All I could say that if I were in your shoes, I would be out of there, pronto. I might be able to deal if my DW cheated on me once, if there were things I was doing to push her away and we were not connecting. But more than once, forget it. Add to this that she does not want to connect with you intimately but can with other men. I assume you have no kids. If so, this should be a no brainer. Sorry, just my opinion. Like Mark said, she has completely lost respect for you, not sure you can get it back at this point.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if i knew my wife had cheated i would be long gone


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/7434-do-men-really-get-bored-their-wives.html
> 
> This last one starts off being about men, but soon switches to women!


it always seems to do that


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> it always seems to do that


As it should 

Anyways... how many times are you going to let her cheat on you? I'm not buying her lies about not having a sex drive... she's able to get it back with other people... don't take it persoanlly- she is the one that is in the wrong, but you need to have some respect for yourself and find someone that wants to sleep with you and only you. How is she giving you anything you need- she's not being faithful and she's not having sex with you? You can find better then that... and you shouldn't let her just walk all over you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The fact that she has lost her desire for you is sad. However the fact that she repeatedly cheats on you so casually means that you have a serious risk of getting a disease if you stay married. 

A woman who does not respect her man will lose her desire for him. I think you need to see a therapist, I also think you need to ask yourself some questions. 
- How did you behave in the beginning of the relationship
- When did she start to get cold and is it possible that she started to get that way because you were no longer having proper "conflict" with her 

The stuff below is food for thought for your "next" marriage. 

Marriage is about love - and maybe kids. But it is also about conflict. Both spouses will sometimes push the edge of the envelope. The tough thing for men - we are better wired for physical conflict - adrenaline surges make you strong and brave but also stupid so they are bad for effective verbal conflict. 

Anyway if your wife got in the habit of being bitc*y, pusing you around, and you got in the habit of kissing her a*s to try and make up - that will make ANY woman lose respect and desire for you. They simply perceive you as weak and weakness in a male is the absolute BIGGEST turnoff for women.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Anyway if your wife got in the habit of being bitc*y, pusing you around, and you got in the habit of kissing her a*s to try and make up - that will make ANY woman lose respect and desire for you. They simply perceive you as weak and weakness in a male is the absolute BIGGEST turnoff for women.



while i dont disagree with this, i feel like there is often no approach that will satisfy them


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> while i dont disagree with this, i feel like there is often no approach that will satisfy them


QFT


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

hubby said:


> QFT


i had to look that one up, glad it meant something other than what i thought :smthumbup:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i had to look that one up, glad it meant something other than what i thought :smthumbup:


LOL - Women are SO complicated. There are two sources of bit*hyness:
1. They are in a bad mood/upset/hormones nothing to do with you
2. They are frustrated with you about ... stuff ...

If it is category (2) type of stuff - but they are not being direct about it - just generally nasty - that is very painful.

The truth is that sometimes the "stuff" is just ludicrous. And sometimes it is totally legit. And the mystery is to figure that out. 

My wife - for a while she was SO irritable and difficult in general. Why - because of a weight issue. Before you say "what a shallow bit*h", I think it only fair to say that before marriage we had a "deal" about staying fit for each other. And the "deal" was 100% MY idea. So she was a little upset about the weight and very upset about the double standard since she has stayed super fit/toned. 

So I sucked it up and fixed it. And that was fair. It just required effort. My benchmark is this. If I am asked to do something that is even sort of reasonable, and I can do it, and it makes her happy I just DO IT. She does LOTS and LOTS of loving stuff for me. 

The kicker on the weight issue is this. I was not too heavy, just the opposite. She wanted me back to my pre-marital stocky/muscular look. Lots of effort. Totally worth it. 

If your wife seems generally irritable and not nice to you - you have to force the issue to find out why. Lucky mine requires no mind reading she just TELLS me. But many don't.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Ok- what does qft mean?
I googled it and got...
A blood test developed fairly recently to see if a person is infected with TB bacteria. It is not yet widely available.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> Ok- what does qft mean?
> I googled it and got...
> A blood test developed fairly recently to see if a person is infected with TB bacteria. It is not yet widely available.


I think it really is a typo for wtf.

look at your keyboard.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I get it now... thought it was some inside joke I wasn't getting


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

No, QFT is "quoted for truth"

Meaning they were agreeing witht he quoted post.


Advice for the OP...GET OUT


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thank you. I tried to figure QFT out on my own and guessed incorrectly it meant "quite f***ing true". I like the real meaning better.





revitalizedhusband said:


> No, QFT is "quoted for truth"
> 
> Meaning they were agreeing witht he quoted post.
> 
> ...


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

To the OP :

You should have left the first time she cheated you out of sex and gave it to someone else. Though she was probably tired. Or had small children to take of. Or was stressed out at work. Or didnt feel sexy enough. Or had a headache. Or had to do the dishes. Or was tired. I think tired is so common an excuse that we can use it twice, you cant really blame her. She's a woman, ask mark twain, he'll link you an article he wrote that will explain, in detail, all the things that are wrong with women BUT that you need to fix in yourself.

All that bull**** aside, you bring me to an interesting point...should people "wait" to have sex until they are married? Obviously you got screwed out of 10 years of sex, then got cheated on by the ***** you saved yourself for. Kick her skanky ass out the front door, physically if needed, and then go get yourself an STD test to see if she left you anything to remember her by.

I know mark, you are going to say that I dont understand your article. Im sorry I dont have mammary glands and a vagina to help me interpret that BS article you wrote to help women better their excuses. The FACT is when you get married you agree to have sex with your spouse up to and until you die or get divorced. Anything short of that for any reason other then physical, is pure unadulterated bull**** and should not be tolerated by any man. And THAT is what I think of your politically correct bull**** article. I've got an article right here.

1. Have sex with your spouse.

2. Even if its not fun, pretend it is.

3. If your not going to orgasm, get good at faking it.


I dont speak for all men, But I will speak for men who try their bloody best to please their wives and still get nothing for it. WE are pissed off now. WE are past the point of "working on ourselves" to hopefully have a woman who wants to have sex with us. WE have put all the time in effort that is humanly possible to do everything under the bloody son to make her happy and she STILL is not. WE think our spouses should take some goddamn responsibility for their actions OR inactions as the case may be and put in some effort on helping US help THEM fix it.

You sir, wrote an article that may as well be a cheat sheet for women to put off sex with their husbands indefinately. Congratulations on playing for the other side. Mark twain...should be benedict arnold.

I know, I just dont understand the overwhelming intelligence of the article. Right?




John


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

John - I sometimes get angry reading this stuff like you do. If you want to feel "less angry" - read all the stories by all the women married to "low drive" men. They are just as sad. And the MEN deal with it the same way. They either deny that it is a problem at all or lie about the causes. Work stress my as*. No way does work stress bring your drive down from 4-5 days a week to less then once a week. 


My wife would damn near agree with your quotes below word for word. LOL - I just hope she wouldn't nod vigorously about pretending to O. Deep sigh. Sex can be complicated.


I think in many, many marriages the women use sex purely to jerk around, control or abuse their men. BUT - I think men who set the right tone from the beginning have a much lower level of denial/abuse. Twice - in the first couple months we had sex my wife specifically asked me about important things she wanted just after we had taken our clothes off - but before the "act". And twice I calmly said - that is important, I agree we should discuss it and started to get dressed. After the second time I looked at her smiled and pointed to my farhead: Big head rules little head - understand? And that was it. End of attempts to extort using sex. Does that make my wife a bad person? Not at all. She is delightful. She was just testing me. But early on - have some balls - and just do what I did which was to say: I NEED a certain amount of sex to feel loved and be happy. You NEED to teach me how to make this good for you as well - in and OUT of bed. And she said ok. And then she proceeded to do so. But a lot of women would have said "F-off" and that would have been ok with me. Not willing to pour 100 percent of my effort into making someone happy unless they are willing to focus some serious effort on me. 







NothingMan said:


> To the OP :
> 
> You should have left the first time she cheated you out of sex and gave it to someone else. Though she was probably tired. Or had small children to take of. Or was stressed out at work. Or didnt feel sexy enough. Or had a headache. Or had to do the dishes. Or was tired. I think tired is so common an excuse that we can use it twice, you cant really blame her. She's a woman, ask mark twain, he'll link you an article he wrote that will explain, in detail, all the things that are wrong with women BUT that you need to fix in yourself.
> 
> ...


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Sorry to tell you, she is no "nun." I also sincerely hope that any sex you are having with her is protected with at least 1 condom... no lie. The fact that you are still with her having the knowledge of all these affairs??? Well its communicating to her that she can go do that and you will still be there... translation, it will continue.

I think you need to leave this marriage and I do not like to recommend divorce, having been through one myself. If anyone else is knowledgeable about her affairs, or you have any proof of the repeat pattern, and the fact that you dont have kids together... divorce should be fairly simple for you. Sorry to tell you that, but I do not see a way to salvage a pattern like this that has been going on for years. I gues you could try saying cut this out, or I wont be here anymore and see what happens. My guess is that she will do it anyway, and would you truly be able to trust her after all this? I would say cut your losses, but you have much to gain from cutting this off. Good luck and get yourself tested for std's.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> John - I sometimes get angry reading this stuff like you do. If you want to feel "less angry" - read all the stories by all the women married to "low drive" men. They are just as sad. And the MEN deal with it the same way. They either deny that it is a problem at all or lie about the causes. Work stress my as*. No way does work stress bring your drive down from 4-5 days a week to less then once a week.
> 
> 
> My wife would damn near agree with your quotes below word for word. LOL - I just hope she wouldn't nod vigorously about pretending to O. Deep sigh. Sex can be complicated.
> ...




I agree i works the same from the other side of the gender coin. It's just that it feels like its become another pain in the ass in a lifetime full of pains in the ass. Where, really, it should not be.




John


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

NothingMan said:


> To the OP :
> 
> You should have left the first time she cheated you out of sex and gave it to someone else. Though she was probably tired. Or had small children to take of. Or was stressed out at work. Or didnt feel sexy enough. Or had a headache. Or had to do the dishes. Or was tired. I think tired is so common an excuse that we can use it twice, you cant really blame her. She's a woman, ask mark twain, he'll link you an article he wrote that will explain, in detail, all the things that are wrong with women BUT that you need to fix in yourself.
> 
> ...


:rofl: gawd i love it!!!!!

you and i sir think along the very same lines.

in the past few weeks on here i have seen from the ladies:
-i need communication and to feel loved and cuddled AND i like to be controlled and not allowed to get away with anything cause i dont want to be married to a wimp
-my man is lazy and doesnt help around the house AND helping around the house doesnt make me feel any different about him he is still not getting any
-you mr. husband are an ***hole for having an affair AND mrs wife had an affair because something is missing that you mr. husband are not providing

this is such a great place for entertainment


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Wow, I think BOTH sides are pretty guilty of gender bashing around here lately. But honestly, my H would be insulted if i put out stimply to please him or get him off my back, and he would be even MORE offended if he thought I had to fake it during sex. Just like I would be offended if he did the same to me. I just do NOT see why something as simple as sex is such a power struggle. It just baffles me. 
To the OP....she is playing you, plain and simple. She has not taken ANY steps to prove her remorse or commitment to you. If you don't have any kids, seriously, cut your losses and move on. It's not likely that she is going to change her ways, sad to say because she thinks what she is doing is ok, and can't see why it is not.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> :
> in the past few weeks on here i have seen from the ladies:
> -i need communication and to feel loved and cuddled AND i like to be controlled and not allowed to get away with anything cause i dont want to be married to a wimp
> -my man is lazy and doesnt help around the house AND helping around the house doesnt make me feel any different about him he is still not getting any
> -you mr. husband are an ***hole for having an affair AND mrs wife had an affair because something is missing that you mr. husband are not providing


Why is it that Women are so hard to figure out, and they change their minds all the time; while men are so easy, just f**k us and love doing it. Ok, that is a little crude and over simplistic, we do like to eat, breath and sleep sometimes too.

But really, I can list out my two basic needs that I need from my wife that will never change and are such intense needs that nothing else seems to matter. I need intimacy and care for the family.

I tried to get my wife to list her needs, even if there were 10 or 20 of them. She said there is no way that she could do list them, she said they change from hour to hour, day to day; I just need to know them. It is almost too exhausting to even contemplate.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Hubby, thats a cop out answer from your wife. She does not know herself and wants you to figure her out for both you AND her. I could and DO tell my H exactly what I need, and those needs are pretty static; they don't change. I need: Appreciation for the way I bust my tail for our family; Respect and loyalty, mind blowing sex and lots of good laughs. 
Not that hard to decipher, huh?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> Hubby, thats a cop out answer from your wife. She does not know herself and wants you to figure her out for both you AND her. I could and DO tell my H exactly what I need, and those needs are pretty static; they don't change. I need: Appreciation for the way I bust my tail for our family; Respect and loyalty, mind blowing sex and lots of good laughs.
> Not that hard to decipher, huh?



mommybean, i have read alot of your posts and not only are you levelheaded but you seem to get it, that is understand the dynamic of marriage and whats important. not just for your husband but for you, i am happy for you both


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Thanks Okey, I am pretty level headed. Probably what saved our marriage, because I can take myself out of the equation and see whats going on, even when my H was a total basket case. 

It just makes me sad that there seems to be such a tit-for-tat dynamic in so many relationships. It didn't work on the playground, WHY would it work now??


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Hubby, thats a cop out answer from your wife. She does not know herself and wants you to figure her out for both you AND her.


Well, if she does not know herself, how can I figure her out?

I think I konw the little things, day to day, that make her happy: Listening, honesty, affection, support and patience. However, this is my guess, I could be completely missing something and I have no idea of relative importance. It is like a moving target. Right now the need is for peace in the relationship and patience. I have brought up a lot of issues (several hours of deep, sometimes painful, discussions) and needs of mine and she is trying her best to fullfill those, so I have to give her credit.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> It just makes me sad that there seems to be such a tit-for-tat dynamic in so many relationships. It didn't work on the playground, WHY would it work now??



i don't know that i can call my particular issue "tit for tat", remember gettin here wais a process, a long one. 

my wife didnt cut me off yesterday and i didnt decide today to stop giving her "what she needs" in retaliation.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i don't know that i can call my particular issue "tit for tat", remember gettin here wais a process, a long one.
> 
> my wife didnt cut me off yesterday and i didnt decide today to stop giving her "what she needs" in retaliation.



QFT. It's not like I got turned down for the first time last night and today decided I was sick and tired of it



John


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

Blonddeee said:


> I get it now... thought it was some inside joke I wasn't getting


 Me too...


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Nah, thats not what i'm saying guys. You're right it IS a long, drawn out process to get to this point. But at some point, most of the time, there is someone in the relationship saying "well, he/she did not do A B or C for me, so I'm not doing X Y or Z for them" and then resentment builds because of that, and it keeps building, and its a gaint wall in a relationship. Eventually the original issues get so clouded by the anger and frustration, both sexual and mental, that it turns into a circular path and its hard to break...and THAT, my dear fellas is what I was saying....


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

hubby said:


> Why is it that Women are so hard to figure out, and they change their minds all the time; while men are so easy, just f**k us and love doing it. Ok, that is a little crude and over simplistic, we do like to eat, breath and sleep sometimes too.
> 
> But really, I can list out my two basic needs that I need from my wife that will never change and are such intense needs that nothing else seems to matter. I need intimacy and care for the family.
> 
> I tried to get my wife to list her needs, even if there were 10 or 20 of them. She said there is no way that she could do list them, she said they change from hour to hour, day to day; I just need to know them. It is almost too exhausting to even contemplate.


Change their minds about what... their needs and wants? I guess that stumps me too. Although, not all men as simple as you've stated. 

I think my needs are fairly straightforward and have remained constant: love me, want me, appreciate me, have fun with me, let me be a little insane. (I'll admit, I'm a bit of a crazy girl )

My needs are pretty simple, so are his, however as people we are not so simple. And it's the application of those needs that get complicated.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't like mercy sex very much. BUT - if we get past 7 days I will ask in a nice way - baby - can you humor me tonight? This is just my way of saying that I am in the "red zone". And sometimes she says - heck no I am in the mood as well so there is no mercy in it. Other times she says - sure. This is a kindness she shows me because I am a very nice, loving supportive, fun and generous husband. 

If the situation were reversed - LOL - I would absolutely be glad to please her. In fact last week - in a rare moment of fatigue I was not in the mood and asked if she could wait until the next day. But I sincerely offered oral delight if she wanted. 




Mommybean said:


> Wow, I think BOTH sides are pretty guilty of gender bashing around here lately. But honestly, my H would be insulted if i put out stimply to please him or get him off my back, and he would be even MORE offended if he thought I had to fake it during sex. Just like I would be offended if he did the same to me. I just do NOT see why something as simple as sex is such a power struggle. It just baffles me.
> To the OP....she is playing you, plain and simple. She has not taken ANY steps to prove her remorse or commitment to you. If you don't have any kids, seriously, cut your losses and move on. It's not likely that she is going to change her ways, sad to say because she thinks what she is doing is ok, and can't see why it is not.


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