# Why does other spouse want divorce, but wants you to do everything?



## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

I have been asking myself this question during our mandatory 1 year separation period here in NC. She was the WAW who wanted to live the single life. She asked for a separation/divorce, but she never started the proceedings herself. I had to hire the lawyer to draft separation papers, legally separate everything between the two of us, and now will be handing her D papers in Sept. All the while I haven't spoken to her in 10 months and i feel i have done all the work financially to end this marriage she doesn't want. 

What is her mindset? If she wanted this D so bad and was so unhappy about all the things she missed while being married, why didn't she do everything herself?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I don't know, my STBXH did the same thing. I was the one who ended up filing, doing everything. I have no idea why they want to walk away but don't take steps to actually start the legal process.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

My ex did the same thing too. I filed, did everything he wanted only to have him blame ME for all this! Go figure.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

A wayward spouse doesn't NEED a divorce to be single. They consider themselves single from the jump; hence the infidelity. Why exhaust money, time and effort in legally ridding yourself of marriage, when it can all be spent strengthening new 'relationships'?

Their logic is beyond illogical.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So they don't look like the bad guy, I think. So they can tell the world the divorce was your idea. In reality, there is no figuring out why they do what they do.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Openminded said:


> *So they don't look like the bad guy, I think. So they can tell the world the divorce was your idea*. In reality, there is no figuring out why they do what they do.


That is my closest guess.

Here's a funny story: When my ex was dating his "friend" (the now pregnant OW), after I found out about the affair I asked him did she ever ask why you had not filed for divorce. He said yes, I said what did you tell her, he said:

"I told her I'm in no hurry".

What does that say to you? To me it says I don't want to really want to leave my wife I just want to bang you on the side. What a sad desperate woman she is, to still hang around, then trick him into fatherhood, after he told her that and told her multiple times "I don't want a relationship". All the while trying to reconcile with me.


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> A wayward spouse doesn't NEED a divorce to be single. They consider themselves single from the jump; hence the infidelity. Why exhaust money, time and effort in legally ridding yourself of marriage, when it can all be spent strengthening new 'relationships'?
> 
> Their logic is beyond illogical.


This makes the most sense. Why waste what little money she earns on divorcing me, when she could use it to go out and party with her single G/f's.

I get it now.

I should say F it and make her doing everything just to piss her off, but i want to move on and meet someone who will be perfect for me. No point in dating someone 2 years from now and telling her im still separated from Wife..lol


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Openminded said:


> So they don't look like the bad guy, I think. So they can tell the world the divorce was your idea. In reality, there is no figuring out why they do what they do.



This.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_This makes the most sense. Why waste what little money she earns on divorcing me, when she could use it to go out and party with her single G/f's.

I get it now.

I should say F it and make her doing everything just to piss her off, but i want to move on and meet someone who will be perfect for me. No point in dating someone 2 years from now and telling her im still separated from Wife..lol_

Good points. Even though she left I divorced her. She kept saying "I need more time", but like you, I could not remain in limbo.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Ive been wondering this myself. Im 18 months into working on my divorce here in SC. She left! Walked out on our sons and me, and not for the first time! She is a serial cheater, and admits she will never change. We agreed to do the separation agreement ourselves to save money. But, during the first 12 months she refused to do absolutely nothing to get it moving in any way. At 13 months she finally got her attorney to draft something so completely vague it was laughable. Now at 18 months, Ive grown weary at all the piddly back and forth, I finally told my attorney to go ahead and file. Im hoping a deadline might light a fire under her, and if she wants to change from being amicable, Ill get it under adultery. I have made it as easy as possible for her. She has a good job and can support herself. She hasnt contributed one dime to supporting the boys or our outstanding bills. Ive made it easy. I will pay off her new car. Ill take care of all of the joint debts. I just want her to go. Ill have physical custody of the boys, we can share visitation equally. Im practically giving her new life to her. Yet she still stalls.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Similar story with me, my H ended things and repeatedly said he wanted a divorce. But as far as I know he hasn't even gone to see a solicitor and only did reading online. He basically was waiting for me to sort it all out, he asked me if I had seen a solicitor and what reason we should file a divorce for. It's crazy it's like he can't be bothered to sort things himself. 

But I agree with what others have said the H or W who wants to divorce but is leaving it for their spouse just doesn't want to look bad. Personally I feel this is the case with my H, he always was one to impress and show himself to be this great guy in front of others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why would a narcissist act any OTHER way? Seriously? People who never take responsibility for anything even their own lives aren't going to take responsibility for this.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

Same story here- he left. I'm dealing with selling the house, the financial stuff, and I'll be the one filing. Along with work and kids. All he has to do is parade his new woman around and he lives with his parents. What a life.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

andrea2828 said:


> Same story here- he left. I'm dealing with selling the house, the financial stuff, and I'll be the one filing. Along with work and kids. All he has to do is parade his new woman around and he lives with his parents. What a life.


I kicked mine out after I found out about yet another EA and PA. He'd told me the year before he wanted a divorce but did nothing about it and continued to act like my husband.

He still has not done a thing to file, he hasn't even consulted an attorney, I did it all as I just want to end it.

All he has to do is play disneyland dad 2 days a week, he carries none of the responsbility of raising our special needs son and like your Ex he spends his days parading his pregnant OW on facebook and to our friends and family.

He still to this day refers to me as his wife. 

Just 10 days ago he asked me if I would take him back and help him raise the baby the OW is having with him. Of course I told him to take a hike. WTF is all I can say. He is completely crazy. After I told him to get lost, he told me he is going to move in with her. More of no responsibility - he wont have to pay rent or raise the kid on his own. He won't have to pay her child support. He's going to make her do it all and he can just sit back, be waited on hand and foot by this sad, lonely, doormat of a woman, and tout himself as "a caring and involved father".

What a loser.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Going through the same right now. Except things are not moving fast enough for him (her?) at this point, when initially he was in no hurry to move forward with the D, or, the way he put it, spend our son's inheritance on lawyers.

Can't wait for it all to be over. In his case, it's cowardice, and looking the other way, so he does not have to face cold hard facts about his wrongdoings. It's much easier to live the grande life with a new woman at his side, and no responsibilities. Pretend to be single again at the blink of an eye, without the hassle of legalities. He does not even have a lawyer. They have not been feeling married for some time, so why spend time and money on something that does not, in their minds, exist any longer?


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

Same thing with my STBXW. She withdrew from our marriage last summer. It was me who scheduled counseling, which she quit. I got her into individual counseling and got her to seek psychiatric treatment. After 6 months or so without any efforts on her part, I started the dissolution process, that she'd been asking for. I created the parenting plan, and a creative property settlement that let's her try to keep the house. Then, I bought my own home and moved out.

I still get blamed for everything and risk a tongue lashing or constant nasty text messages if try to talk with her. She accuses me wanting to get rid of her ASAP. It's unbelievable, considering she asked for the divorce and never reconsidered. Although, as I was moving out she got really pissed because she told her counselor 2 months earlier that she had doubts about what she was doing. I pretty clearly told her that it doesn't count if she never told me.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Sincererlytrying said:


> Same thing with my STBXW. She withdrew from our marriage last summer. It was me who scheduled counseling, which she quit. I got her into individual counseling and got her to seek psychiatric treatment. After 6 months or so without any efforts on her part, I started the dissolution process, that she'd been asking for. I created the parenting plan, and a creative property settlement that let's her try to keep the house. Then, I bought my own home and moved out.
> 
> I still get blamed for everything and risk a tongue lashing or constant nasty text messages if try to talk with her. She accuses me wanting to get rid of her ASAP. It's unbelievable, considering she asked for the divorce and never reconsidered. Although, as I was moving out she got really pissed because she told her counselor 2 months earlier that she had doubts about what she was doing. I pretty clearly told her that it doesn't count if she never told me.


I'm in the same boat. She moved out. I scheduled counseling. It was all a farce. I filled out the D papers. I invited her over to my house to iron out the details. I'm going to tell her if she wants to go back to her name it would be way easier for her to file and request it now rather than in a rebuttal once I file. Plus, she's paying the fees for this damn divorce.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

legiox said:


> I have been asking myself this question during our mandatory 1 year separation period here in NC. She was the WAW who wanted to live the single life. She asked for a separation/divorce, but she never started the proceedings herself. I had to hire the lawyer to draft separation papers, legally separate everything between the two of us, and now will be handing her D papers in Sept. All the while I haven't spoken to her in 10 months and i feel i have done all the work financially to end this marriage she doesn't want.
> 
> What is her mindset? If she wanted this D so bad and was so unhappy about all the things she missed while being married, why didn't she do everything herself?


Just selfish , your plan b , but fk you meantime type thing , their so sweet !


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Funny how the person filing's stories are all pretty much the same isn't it?

With my STBXH he parades around with OM like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth- I've even had to read emails from him boasting of his new sex life with OM (luckily for me I'm really not that interested- I remember just how bad the sex was at points.....), whilst totally forgetting just how much damage and destruction was caused by his EA and now PA with OM.

But when it came to filing- he was off the blocks saying he'd do it- but guess who actually did file in the end? Oh yes I was Plan B, but now I'm the worlds worst for actually dealing with things head on.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

My stbxh wanted me to file, but he is the one that broke NC with OW in a EA and FB another ex on top of that for the final nail in the coffin.
He refused to lesson to either MC we went to, told me and the counselors were all wrong.
Asked for me to separate out the cel phones, so I "would not have to pay for it" (I could not see the phone log) lol
Then he has the papers waiting for me, always says "I am divorcing him" and the only reason he broke NC with the OW was that she
understood what he was going through because they both have "been left" WTH?!?

Stbxh is the one that asks almost daily about papers. "And trying not to blame me for destroying his life" 

So all I can figure is it is a guilt thing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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