# A year after the EA-looking back at the early signs I(you) missed?



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well, its been just about 13 mos since dday for my H's EA. In some attempt to get some closure I've been doing some reflecting about all of the events that led up to the EA and what it is that I may have missed early on, in the very beginning of the EA and the whole time until discovery. 

I want to feel more secure about moving on. As well as being better able to help others in the future. Somehow, I think if I know Im more aware of what i missed and what others missed, that now, in hindsight are so clear, it will be easier for me to turn the page so to speak.

So what were your subtle signs that something was off? We all know about the hiding the phone, constant texting, or the like but what were some of the not so obvious signs that you can see now with 20/20 hindsight? The things you'd recognize if you saw them again either in your own marriage or someone else's?And finally, did you have a *'gut feeling' *early on even when you didnt have any evidence yet?
>
Im hoping we can clean this all up at the end and maybe make a sticky or something positive out of this thread.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

He no longer shared his days with me; but instead became cold and distant. He also completely stopped talking about the woman at work he was having the affair with; whereas before he mentioned her once in awhile.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

How about being distant with family, not paying attention at significant events and either lack of emotion or inappropriate emotion for the circumstance. An EA causes a lot of rumination therefore distraction.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

5Creed said:


> He no longer shared his days with me; but instead became cold and distant. He also completely stopped talking about the woman at work he was having the affair with; whereas before he mentioned her once in awhile.


Yes, this is a good sign. At first they OW/M is brought up a lot, praised or compared to spouse. After suspicion its never brought up again like the person doesn't exist.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

"You would like him" Translation: She wanted to bang him.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Jkw4338 said:


> Yes, this is a good sign. At first they OW/M is brought up a lot, praised or compared to spouse. After suspicion its never brought up again like the person doesn't exist.


Happend the exact OPPOSITE way for my H. He met her in Feb and NEVER mentioned her even one time, despite working everyday 10ft from her all day, never mentioned her one time until June. Then by November he is saying her name almost incessantly and in Dec our oldest daughter said "mom, who the hell is J?" The more obsessed he got, the less control he had in his ability to NOT talk about her. It was like a compulsion.


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## foolme2x (Jan 1, 2013)

LOL...my first and only warning sign of my husband's first affair was a $400 phone bill. I take care of the finances, but I put it aside as it was our oldest's 4th birthday weekend. I even told my H that Verizon had really screwed up. Can't imagine what he was thinking. When I finally got a chance to sit down and study it...blindsided. There were surely other indicators, but we had a preschooler and an infant, one with some developmental issues at the time, and my H was drinking a lot (I didn't know then how much), so I was pretty tired and not very observant! But I also was one of those people who never thought it could ever happen to us.

Eight years later and the second time around? The only sign was that, one day, I realized that I hadn't seen his cell phone around much. I watched and realized he was always keeping it on him, which was new behavior for him. So I checked the phone bill. At least he made it easy for me to figure out both times.  We (I) had never recovered from the first affair, so we weren't in a happy place, and it had occurred to me that we might be headed for divorce if we couldn't get it together. But, idiot that I am, did I suspect an affair? Nope. By the time I knew, it had been going on for several months and had progressed from EA to PA.

Now we are trying to R and one of the hardest things for me is that, because we have always meshed with our senses of humor (and so even during the hardest times have gotten along pretty well on a day-to-day basis), his behavior outwardly was always the same whether he was in the midst of an affair or not. So I feel like my ability to judge anything based on how he acts is worthless.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Oh yes; the cellphone! He made fun of our kids and me for texting on our phones. All of a sudden he became an expert at it and started keeping it on his person wherever he went. He even slept with it under his pillow every night!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

5Creed said:


> Oh yes; the cellphone! He made fun of our kids and me for texting on our phones. All of a sudden he became an expert at it and started keeping it on his person wherever he went. He even slept with it under his pillow every night!


How far into the affair did this start 5Creed?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People always talk about a gut feeling. On TAM, you're always warned to 'trust your gut.' The gut feeling, though, is so difficult to articulate that many people discount it, thinking they're being irrational.

There is plenty of evidence that what we think of as irrational gut reaction is a purely biological warning system that something alarming is happening. It is very real, in other words.

How many posters say things like, "I'm not sure what made me check his phone," or "There was something off in the way she mentioned his name." Something unclear but unsettling.

How many people had their antennae up simply because their guts were telling them to watch out. My sense is a lot of people.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

My H had and EA and PA, and like I have told CTU I was never blind... I always knew just did not have proof. Just a few to list here:

1. She is just a friend, you are paranoid
2. Honey it is normal for a female co-corker to call at 6:30 am almost every day
3. Already stated - cannot live without mobile
4. Avoids going out alone with you
5. Sex decreases
6. It is not you it is me
7. Not wanting to go to MC or IC - "I just do not believe in that"
8. Picks fights or ignores you
9. Says you are too emotional
10. And my personal favorite... I love you but I am not in Love with YOU!


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

How about problems at work, poor performance or even job threatened because of being distracted and losing concentration.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

A very early one for me was he was staying late at work the same night of the week, virtually every week. So basically on thrusday, you could bet "something would come up" and he'd have to put in an extra hour or two. ..

Wouldnt take a day off work. NEVER scheduled any time off. Spent countless hours working yet his performance, as JKW mentioned, was definately suffering- turns out he was speding hours just talking to her every day either in person or via email. HOURS. EVERYday. Then when it came quitting time, he had to stay late to "catch up on last minute things" . Most often, those "things" had been in his inbox waiting to be addressed for hours....


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Great thread! Looking back there was nothing I missed as it came out of the blue..primarily in his case because it was a long distance EA. I honestly think if he had not benn stupid enough to use his airmiles to get her a trip over here to see her girlfriend I would have never known. He did not realize that I knew his airmiles number and password and that is how I checked. (I remember that day so well..it still gives me shivers what a horrible day...dd#1 it was)

Sometimes I think about how long he has had his own laptop for and how my trust for him was so great that not once did I think I should check out his laptop..if I had I would have discovered he had it password protected but I never did check it out. I often wonder if I did and saw it was password protected I still do not think I would have thought anything of it....that is how much I trusted him..we had been together for 20+ years when he had his EA's. Plus I discovered last year that he had an earlier EA two years prior and I had no clue because I was not checking his phone logs on his cell phone either..again had no reason to.

That is what ticks me off now is that whether I stay with him or go on to another relationship I will forever be suspicious and checking things out even in a new relationship. My absolute trust has been stolen. So I went from blindly trusting him to now being suspicious of every little thing...and that ticks me off.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How about friends looking just slightly uncomfortable around you? Nothing you can point to definitely. Just an oblique answer here or there, or a pensive look, or complete silence instead of what should have been an obvious comforting answer. The oblique answers that are not answers, like 'You have nothing to worry about.'


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

In between dd#1 and dd#2 I would comment to him well at least your OW had the decency to back off when she realized you were married and not separated....I too often wonder what he was thinking when I said that knowing that they were still in contact and she did not have the decency to back off. It sickens me that here I was giving her credit for doing the right thing when in reality that was a lie.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> My H had and EA and PA, and like I have told CTU I was never blind... I always knew just did not have proof. Just a few to list here:
> 
> 1. She is just a friend, you are paranoid
> 2. Honey it is normal for a female co-corker to call at 6:30 am almost every day
> ...


Yes I think most of us got the "just a friend" bull****. As well I too got the I still care about you...I did not mean to hurt you. I just do not have those romantic feelings for you. 

I hate the "I did not mean to hurt you" line...bull ****in ****...yes you did.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> How about friends looking just slightly uncomfortable around you? Nothing you can point to definitely. Just an oblique answer here or there, or a pensive look, or complete silence instead of what should have been an obvious comforting answer. The oblique answers that are not answers, like 'You have nothing to worry about.'


OH OH I have one along this line! The day before Dday for me the cochofle almost had a heart attach bc my H did not want to leave this BBQ we were all in and (her family and our family) and since they live nearby I told her to give him a ride (with her H and her baby) - she almost died and said "don't drop that package on me".:rofl:


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

At the request of a good friend to cut my sabbatical from tams short..... (miss all you guys...just need the break...major ups and downs last few weeks, but on the up again, hopefully this is it!)...

I had a gut feeling - even said "if I didn't know you loved your hobby so much, I would swear you were having an affair"..ha ha...joke on me...and that is just while they were in cyber affair....got physical 6 weeks later. Let me keep it short and post my top 20 

1. He started withdrawing from entire family.
2. He started staying up later than me to "play video games".
3. He started to drink more.
4. His productivity at work plummeted, (although I did not find out until after I learned of the affair)....18 months after they started, he is still on shaky ground at work playing catch-up.
5. He blamed everyone else for everything that went wrong (mostly me).
6. He started arguments over nothing...big ones...I thought I was losing my mind or he was.
7. He started downloading apps to his phone a lot.
8. He took his phone with him EVERYWHERE...and was ALWAYS ON IT...he started texting like his life depended on it saying it was his friends...I believed him. 
9. Spent an hour at a time in the bathroom with the fan turned on and the door locked...a couple of times a day.
10. I could here the beep when he deleted history or other things.
11. He yelled at me when I brought up divorce in an arguement and told me to never say that (he later told me after 9 weeks of texting/email/phone and 5 days PA that he wanted a divorce).
12. He would get home later and later in the day from work and always make extra trips to the convenience store....how convenient.
13. He burned through cash faster than normal (I am in charge of finances).
14. He would go above and beyond to decorate for our kids on holidays (guilt ridden I am almost 100% certain of).
15. He would tell me to buy whatever I wanted (again, out of guilt i am 100% sure).
16. Sex plummeted even worse that it was, although we did have sex a week before they hooked up and he said we should do that more often and why don't we....umm....because you are staying up to text/call OW? I dunno.
17. They may even talk about other people having affairs to see what your reaction is. 
18. He took "pride" in his car and self.
19. On the other side of him being edgy and starting arguments, there were also times when he was very agreeable, I believe just so he didn't have to talk much.
20. He was on Facebook a lot more...where they first hooked up.

In short, they distance themselves, take their phone everywhere with them, are edgy, and just plain different. They know what they are doing is wrong and try to deflect that onto the unsuspecting spouse. They try to make their own spouse look bad so that they can justify looking for "happiness" elsewhere, to explain why they deserve it. They become something very dark, and gradually, someone you don't like and if they have any humanity, someone they would even hate. 

If you see even just a couple of these signs and your gut tells you something is up, it is.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> How about friends looking just slightly uncomfortable around you? Nothing you can point to definitely. Just an oblique answer here or there, or a pensive look, or complete silence instead of what should have been an obvious comforting answer. The oblique answers that are not answers, like 'You have nothing to worry about.'


OH THIS! Yes, early on like way early we went to a guy he worked with's house for a bonfire. The women there were weird toward me. Weird in that one said to me "your Mr. Ctu's wife? Lucky you".......yeah, hello! She said it with a smile so like an idiot I ignored my gut and just let it go. She knew something and was telling me...The women at his job WILL absolutely give him away if you pay attention.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> At the request of a good friend to cut my sabbatical from tams short..... (miss all you guys...just need the break...major ups and downs last few weeks, but on the up again, hopefully this is it!)...
> 
> I had a gut feeling - even said "if I didn't know you loved your hobby so much, I would swear you were having an affair"..ha ha...joke on me...and that is just while they were in cyber affair....got physical 6 weeks later. Let me keep it short and post my top 20
> 
> ...


Thanks 'good friend'. 

Every single one of these is spot on especially just that they are * just plain ole different. 
* *They are distant and edgy. Removed*.
* *And the far away stare. Oh the stare*. 
* *And losing interest in things they once loved*.
* *something simple my H did was shave all facial hair *despite knowing that I LOVE it. He up and shaved his face clean as a baby's bottom. I later learned SHE told him, she didnt like it......
* *Oh and the extra "axe" he wore to work*. He always wears chocolate Axe. Smells great. He started wearing more going to work than he did home with me. 
* *And yes he absolutely stopped sharing the details of his day*. Totally. Well, he had to,she was in absolutely every inch of his day so he couldnt tell me about his day for fear of mentioning her. At least early on. 
* *Then he just starting talking about her w/o work being involved*. J likes this, J said that. J's kids are sick. J's on vacation. J's nanny.....blah blah blah.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> At the request of a good friend to cut my sabbatical from tams short..... (miss all you guys...just need the break...major ups and downs last few weeks, but on the up again, hopefully this is it!)...
> 
> I had a gut feeling - even said "if I didn't know you loved your hobby so much, I would swear you were having an affair"..ha ha...joke on me...and that is just while they were in cyber affair....got physical 6 weeks later. Let me keep it short and post my top 20
> 
> ...


Yeah that nails it.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

canttrustu: This started about 8 months before the day I checked the cell phone bill because I too had that gut feeling that something was not right. I never suspected he would ever do this to me. Really though; who the hell sleeps with a cell phone under their pillow every night? He stayed up later than usual and I later found out it was to call her.

Also before shutting down any talk of her, he was taking our kids over to play with her kids, wanted to get a dog just like hers, helped her with things around her house, invited her to family outings, got a haircut because he liked the style, etc. She helped us move into our new home then got a private tour by my husband for an hour with no on else around. So another sign was her needs were being put higher and higher on his list. Her opinion was very important to him. I had a little feeling, ignored it and just thought he was being the helpful boss.

Liked to start the arguments over what were in my mind trivial things and also blamed me for his unhappiness. Could not tell me what was wrong or bothering him-the response I got was "nothing."

The sex went down to just about zero. Neither of us had a lot of interest because things were so tense. Little did I know there was a third person involved and they were both taking care of each other.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How about when the WS purposely disses the AP to put you off the scent? There are many examples of the BS expressing some concern about someone and the WS then saying something negative about the person to try to make the BS feel that the WS would never be attracted to the AP. For instance, BW mentions OW's name and WH says, "Oh, AP has really gained a lot of weight. I wonder how her H feels about that."


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The signs were there. In fact, they were some that I did myself. But I was coming out of my own fog at that time, and it didn't register. Fortunately, I caught his in the very early stages. But if my head wasn't so far up my own @$$, I would have noticed him clinging to his cell phone more, and the fact that he insisted that he would walk to get the kids off the bus...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

No sex,the history on her phone (love horoscopes of OM b day ) wanting a divorce,me out of the house and so on.
I asked and asked if there was a om,answer was always no.
I didn't want to see it and denied it to myself because she would never do anything like that.
Ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

There were signs, which looking back now are obvious but at the time the thought that my H was cheating on me never entered my mind for a moment.
1. Bringing her name up in conversations, saying how alike we were and how well we would get on.
2. on the phone ALL the time. Txtin Txtin Txtin - said he was on his aps, playing games.
3. Emotionaly distant and withdrawn.
4. Started going to bed at different times. In 17 years we never did this.
5. No cuddles in bed.
6. There was just a distances between us, we lost the connection and he didnt seem interested in anything.
7. He was ratty and irretable with the kids, all the time.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Never saw it coming. Was in major pain, on pills waiting second hip replacement. We had one discussion about there being a problem in the marriage and I tell him I knew that but soon after this last surgery everything would be different as I was already losing weight and nothing else needed to be replaced. 5 surgeries it took to get everything replaced and working. Then he hits me with this a month home from hospital. If I had not been on the medications I may have noticed more. He is very hard worker and accomplished lier. My bad.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Grey Goose said:


> 8. Picks fights or ignores you


picking fights. I swear I did not catch on to that until after the bomb was dropped and I found TAM. We had so many arguments that were so petty that the day after I could not remember what they were about. And until a few days ago I did not realize that every time (not often) I had to go out of town, he would find a way to make me cry in the airport.....and it has nothing to do with me having separation anxiety. I understand why we had all those arguments. He was sitting back observing my reaction so that he could justify cheating on me. He made me look like such a horrible person. Just makes me sick. 

Here is another one. Deliberately doing other things to cause reaction such as crying. Where we lived, people could drive however they wanted. There were speed limits and such, but they are simply suggestions. We had been in a horrible accident many years prior and I never really got over it. I am a cautious driver. I am not ridiculous with my caution, but I ensure there is the recommended space between cars, etc. I got to the point where I would not ride with my husband. He wanted to drive 90mph, riding the bumper of the car in front of him, stopping on a dime, taking an exit too fast, etc. He knew this upset me and I asked him nicely many times to please not do that, because it scared me. He seemed to get enjoyment out of scaring me to tears. In fact, I realize there were many things he purposely did to make me cry. I think it brought him pleasure.

Name calling. I was a "fat b1tch", yet he looks 8 months pregnant. I am no longer with him, but now weigh close to 110 pounds. I wonder what his new name would be for me. "skinny b1tch"?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

not saying "I love you " unpromted or over-saying it. Any big adjustment here.

Putting spouse last-everywhere. 

Having a 'different' text tone for a specific person. Different from everyone else. Same goes for email alert sound.

Having a same sex name in the phone of a person you've never heard of with lots of calls/text to /from that number. Sometimes WS' hide the AP's number in plain sight under someone else's name.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

It took me quite a while to put the signs together. Looking back it was so obvious. She picked fights with me. Made excuses to not have sex. Obsessed with working out and looking hot. Hanging onto cell phone. Even accused me of cheating. Wasn't eager to go out on 'dates' with me. I even told her that I'm starting to feel like a single guy and suggested counseling but she insisted our marriage was fine and everything was great! (later after confronting, one of her excuses for her unfaithful behavior was because our marriage wasn't going well!)

It's interesting that once when she got a phone call at night and answered it in a 'different' way, I became suspicious and said to myself to look into that and start paying attention. And then the next day I forgot about it! It took visiting a friend 3 months later and being reminded that he caught his cheating wife via phone records to make me remember that suspicious phone call she got. Immediately I looked into the records and found the smoking gun. That suspicious phone call I noticed was actually the last call she and predator had. So I suppose that's why I forgot about it. That was the last of the suspicious activity. My confrontation was 3 months after it ended.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> How about when the WS purposely disses the AP to put you off the scent? There are many examples of the BS expressing some concern about someone and the WS then saying something negative about the person to try to make the BS feel that the WS would never be attracted to the AP. For instance, BW mentions OW's name and WH says, "Oh, AP has really gained a lot of weight. I wonder how her H feels about that."


YES. This. Once I got suspicious and started asking questions he started calling her a controlling b*tch. Talked about her being "painfully" skinny. "built like a boy". "Bad nose" "talks too much" and "likes the sound of her own voice" those are the ones I remember right off.

The truth was later told that he thought she was "young, thin and powerful" words that echo thru my head like thunder to this day.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

1.) Working late
2.) Lack of enthusiasm about being home with me
3.) Affection became rare
4.) Sex became even more rare and only when she had been drinking.
5.) Obvious signs of regret about having sex the next morning.
6.) I couldn't seem to do anything right as a husband or father
7.) Snap arguments over bull**** issues
8.) Lack of appreciation when I attempted to do nice things for her.
9.) I had a gut feeling about her relationship for a couple of months prior to discovery.

Looking back I was either in complete denial or being dumber than a box of ****ing rocks!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> 1.) Working late
> 2.) Lack of enthusiasm about being home with me
> 3.) Affection became rare
> 4.) Sex became even more rare and only when she had been drinking.
> ...


you and 90% of us here Amp. thats Part of why I started this thread. I want an early warning system that someone can look at as sort a check off list so they can say to themselves either "no, they dont fit this" or "damn. this is spot on. Now what?" and then help them from there. You know spell it out in plain english- 'THIS is what it looks like' bc while youre in it its hard to recognize so here's some help.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Satya said:


> I'm pretty sure my ex had multiple online EAs going on just before the bomb got dropped on me. Looking back I had lots to be suspicious of, but he made me feel so psycho and damaged I was nowhere near rational enough to put the pieces together then.
> 
> -Always on the computer... ALWAYS. Would only separate self from screen if the building was on fire.
> -Made a huge big deal about doing anything with me or to help me.
> ...


Unsympathetic. Yes. Thats a good one. Total lack of empathy.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

Did anyone's WS joke with you (the BS) about the very behavior they were engaging in?

My H's EA was long distance. Quite often when I was on the computer, he would say "What are you doing, talking to your Internet Boyfriend?"


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

jaded0731 said:


> Did anyone's WS joke with you (the BS) about the very behavior they were engaging in?
> 
> My H's EA was long distance. Quite often when I was on the computer, he would say "What are you doing, talking to your Internet Boyfriend?"


No. But he did criticize others in his office for doing exactly the same things he was doing himself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Are there obvious gender differences in the behavior?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thinking back,there were plenty of signs,what really nailed it was the love horoscopes on the history of her phone.
I just didn't want to believe it,she would never do something like that.
I was a idiot,not anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

One thing I found puzzling at the time, but then made perfect sense in retrospect, is that he suddenly stopped receiving texts - apparently.

Before, he got a lot of texts for work, he would open them in front of me, tell me who they were from.

Then from a particular point on I never once saw his phone. I now know he had put it on silent so if she texted him, it would not sound and he would not arouse suspicion by NOT telling me who his texts were from.

Then, after I had found out about him texting someone but had no idea it was a PA - the look of utter panic one time when I suggested we do something one particular evening, followed by the hurried excuse that he had work to do.

I now know that he had arranged a date with her on that night.

Oh and the classics - buying gym equipment, picking fights, lack of sex.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

calvin said:


> Thinking back,there were plenty of signs,what really nailed it was the love horoscopes on the history of her phone.
> I just didn't want to believe it,she would never do something like that.
> I was a idiot,not anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, horoscopes..

Then I found this on her computer:
lustability.com
A sexuality compatibility test


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Heh - as a writer, anyone looking through my computer would probably be convinced I was a nymphomaniac murderous psychopathic exhibitionist, and probably lots of other things too.

I do some weird research in my line of work!


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

There were tons of signs. All have been posted before, but the main ones are: phone glued to hip, minimizing browser windows, lack of sex (while blaming it on me), lack of intimacy of any kind, picking fights, acting guilty when I did nice things...on and on...
I didn't listen to my gut because I was always taught to trust logic and facts over "feelings". logic and rationality told me that my WW was a good moral person and she would never do something like this. I guess I didn't know who I married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

The local rumor mill, had it nailed down before I did, exaggerated but damn close to the truth.

The look's I would get, sometimes of disgust.

Change of wardrobe for work, sexier clothes.

Withdrawn on almost every level.

Couldn't wait to get to work and stayed long hours, bringing work home that probably should have been completed at work.

Affection of any type dropped off the radar.

And the best for last "Were Just Friends" (PUKE)


Geez looking back, I was blind as a bat.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> The local rumor mill, had it nailed down before I did, exaggerated but damn close to the truth.
> 
> The look's I would get, sometimes of disgust.
> 
> ...


Most definately the 'couldnt wait to get to work' part. 

Wouldnt take vacation days.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> People always talk about a gut feeling. On TAM, you're always warned to 'trust your gut.' The gut feeling, though, is so difficult to articulate that many people discount it, thinking they're being irrational.
> 
> There is plenty of evidence that what we think of as irrational gut reaction is a purely biological warning system that something alarming is happening. It is very real, in other words.
> 
> ...


Spider Man is not the only one with Spidey Senses, we all have them, just need to be able to tune into them and really listen to what they are saying.

Now if I could only learn how to shoot webs out of my wrists


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well looking back on m situation here are the signs I noticed...
1) Spending ALOT of time on the internet on FB alone in our bedroom.
2) constantly taking cellphone with her.
3) Constantly deleting messages on her phone.
4) Constantly primping herself before going to work.
5) Staying late at work - every night.
6) Getting detached from family.
7) Going out on Fridays with coworkers.
8) Saving texts that portrayed me negatively (like while waiting for her over an hour outside her work and me saying "where the hell are you?". But deleting texts and telephone logs between her and her coworkers.
9) started criticizing my physical appearance.
10) starting criticizing behaviour previously deemed okay.

Hindsight is 20/20...even if I were married tomorrow and someone new did these things...I would probably let them go too....no one likes to think their one and only is cheating on them. I would be suspicious but one needs proof....idk


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> The local rumor mill, had it nailed down before I did, exaggerated but damn close to the truth.
> 
> The look's I would get, sometimes of disgust.


An incident that I thought was funny once when I went into her work and there was a male co-worker (not her AP) who was overly friendly to her in front of me which I thought as odd. 
Worse yet, she did not correct him or introduce him to me...

I thought this was odd.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

It was the coldness, superficiality and lack of intimacy from him. Aloofness, no birthday nor Christmas cards since the time she came into the picture. The arguments he created that were with words that were hers and not his own. I was always puzzled by his logic...he made no sense, couldn't fight fair either, derailment always.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Another one I thought of that I'd put in the back of my mind-

When I started to get somewhat suspicious I started to ask him "*If there were someone else you'd tell me right*?" Him : " *Yes*" Me *"you swear*? Him "*I swear*"

He never once asked why I was asking this all of the sudden or what was bothering me. Not once. Normally he would have but the truth is he knew and was just saying what I wanted to hear. What he thought it took to shut me up. He did this alot looking back. Whatever it took to not engage. Even when he knew I was catching on, bc he was sure he was smarter.

WS are often under the illusion that the BS is just going to blindly follow. Forever believe whatever they spew regardless of how ludicrous it becomes. Therefore, the lies and ridiculousness become more and more unbelieveable bc they assume the BS purely and simply the "little wifey" or "the two pump chump" who will NEVER catch on! Afterall, they(WS) are the smartest ones in the room, right?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Oh, I remember a conversation we had after I found out he was texting someone - four months before I eventually found out it was a full-on PA at that point.

We were not in a good place and had been having problems for some time. He asked me how I would react if he had met someone else. I gave him a very well-thought-out answer along the lines of, naturally I would be very upset and unhappy, and it would be the end of us, but that I would try to be happy for him that he had found someone to make him happy.

How blind was I?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I remember one night when we went to the casino she kept telling me thang God I was the logical one,she said it over and over.
I remember thinking something was up but I dismissed it.
We were with our first MC then,during the sessions she would look around the room and not talk much at all.
The last couple sessions she still wanted me to move out.
I refused,so she decided to go the night of the last MC.
I got her drunk and she started talking about how we should "date other people,not have sex bujt date other" her words.
I hammered her about an affair on the way home,she finally admitted it but refused to stop seeing him
That's when I kicked her out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> I remember one night when we went to the casino she kept telling me thang God I was the logical one,she said it over and over.
> I remember thinking something was up but I dismissed it.
> We were with our first MC then,during the sessions she would look around the room and not talk much at all.
> The last couple sessions she still wanted me to move out.
> ...


So Calvin would you say that one of the early signs that you missed was that CSS was making non-sensicle comments? Things that meant something but you had no idea what??? Lots of incinuation???


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Oh, I remember a conversation we had after I found out he was texting someone - four months before I eventually found out it was a full-on PA at that point.
> 
> We were not in a good place and had been having problems for some time. He asked me how I would react if he had met someone else. I gave him a very well-thought-out answer along the lines of, naturally I would be very upset and unhappy, and it would be the end of us, but that I would try to be happy for him that he had found someone to make him happy.
> 
> How blind was I?


So he asked what you'd do if he told you he'd met someone else? Like he was pretending he was giving a hypothetical????


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> So he asked what you'd do if he told you he'd met someone else? Like he was pretending he was giving a hypothetical????


it was something along the lines of this (I'm paraphrasing). I had just found out he was texting another woman who he had allegedly met on a job, they 'clicked' and she gave him her number, which was all rubbish naturally. He'd actually gone on a dating site looking for it, and she'd met him on there. And, by the time this conversation took place, it had already gone physical.

ME: And you promise you haven't met up with her since you first met?

HIM: Lie lie lie, deny deny deny.

ME: You know, if you have met someone else I'd rather you just told me. I can handle anything so long as it's the truth. I couldn't bear to think you were lying to me.

HIM: (pause) So, how would you react if I had met someone?

ME: Why. Have you?

HIM: No, but what if I did.

ME: blah blah blah, happy for you, blah blah blah [email protected]


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So Calvin would you say that one of the early signs that you missed was that CSS was making non-sensicle comments? Things that meant something but you had no idea what??? Lots of incinuation???


Yeah ctu,pretty much.Her telling me I was the logical one of us two bugged me for awhile,I figure she was doing something illogical and wrong but not a damn affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Signs I missed (denied might be more truthful):
1.) Stopped complaining about my gaming habit, used as an excuse to stay out late.
2.) Deleting FB messages and text messages, when asked why saying, "to clean it up and save space". (prior she never deleted anything).
3.) Asking me what I would if I found out she cheated on me. (It was asked under the guise of a hypothetical, but looking back on it, OMG).
4.) Locking phone and turning off txt message preview. I have a phone from work and our IT requires it be PW protected. She used to comment on what a pain that must be. Then later she added a PW to hers and just said that it was often left unattended at the theater so it was a 'good precaution'. She turned off the text preview too, so you would only get a notification of a text, but it wouldn't show who it was from or the 1st line. She said it was because our daughter was being 'noisy'. Yeah, blame it on the kids /facepalm. 

Out of all of those number 4 was the big red flag. When I asked her for the PW it took a few tries for her to eventually give it (presumably time to delete anything she didn't want me to see). Post Dday I recovered from a back up. No signs of it getting to a PA, but the dirty chats still hurt to think about. 

The biggest thing now is being able to disconnect what she says from what she does. She is good at knowing exactly what to say. But you can tell when it doesn't jive with the actions. In the past I wanted to believe her, so I gave her words credibility. Now she has none. I have to see it to believe it.

Post Dday everyone should live in Missouri, "Show Me."


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Right on Acoa at number 1.

When the nagging stops its a sure sign.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> A very early one for me was he was staying late at work the same night of the week, virtually every week. So basically on thrusday, you could bet "something would come up" and he'd have to put in an *extra hour or two*. ..
> 
> Wouldnt take a day off work. NEVER scheduled any time off. Spent countless hours working yet his performance, as JKW mentioned, was definately suffering- turns out he was speding hours just talking to her every day either in person or via email. HOURS. EVERYday. Then when it came quitting time, he had to stay late to "catch up on last minute things" . Most often, those "things" had been in his inbox waiting to be addressed for hours...


Do you think they had a PA during these late evenings at the office? Is that a suspicion that stills eats at you?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Do you think they had a PA during these late evenings at the office? Is that a suspicion that stills eats at you?


No. I verified he was there and that they werent alone. I think it was so early on that he was just starting to get 'into' her and they werent to the 'sex' stage yet. Later he resisted the opportunity of being alone with her. I think bc he knew for sure that would be the final straw for us. I have no doubt that it WOULD have gone there had I not intervened when I did. No doubt at all. But Im fairly certain that it didnt quite get there. It was the only boundary he had left and it was quickly eroding.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> How about friends looking just slightly uncomfortable around you? Nothing you can point to definitely. Just an oblique answer here or there, or a pensive look, or complete silence instead of what should have been an obvious comforting answer. The oblique answers that are not answers, like 'You have nothing to worry about.'


I got lots of this from my wife's friends. Sort of that shrug where they look pained for you but say with their expression "What can I tell you?"


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I got lots of this from my wife's friends. Sort of that shrug where they look pained for you but say with their expression "What can I tell you?"


Welcome Back HB!! Havent seen you in a bit. Hope youre doing ok.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, my W told me during her long tenure of being unhappy with my performance as a husband, that someday, someone else would do a better job of paying attention to her. Clearly a bad thing to hear, but it was more of a general warning.

Other than that, there were no other signs. No signs of her particular OM either. They were friends, and their pattern of doing stuff together was virtually the same.

Of course, in hindsight, I checked the phone bill and saw that just before DDAY (like, just the 10 days before), her texting was WAY higher and there were a few long calls to him. But I didn't see that until afterwards.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

I'll be back to post more....I typed up a big mother of a post and by accident hit "back" and lost everything. So frustrating. 

In the early days of our relationship I had warning signs -- When we were dating and out at a bar with friends, I went to get drinks for us and looked in the mirror behind the bar where I could see our table in reflection. A friend of his from college was visiting and I saw him in the reflection give her a kiss on the cheek. I knew that he had had a thing for her but she told him she wasn't interested. I supressed what I saw. As we got closer to engagement I could feel his full-on shift towards me and his ever so slightly wandering eye cooled down. When he asked me to marry him, he was devoted. I could feel it. I knew it. He knew the issues I had with cheating (because of family history) and he promised me he would never, ever be one of those guys. I told him I wasn't the type of chick to stick around if it ever happened. (We're both eating our words now....at least at this point. winky.)

Children came, weight went on and off, but not entirely. Schedules became extremely busy. Kids ruled our lives. His work took over and he prospered in his job and we lost our connection. About four years ago the wooing seemed to ebb. About two years ago I felt very disconnected and wanted time with him. Whenever we went out, it was always with other people. He stopped trying to "woo" me. Hard to describe. I would appeal to go out, just the two of us and he'd say that our funds were limited, time, etc -- it was our stage in life. Our sex life post second child dropped off -- though it had been bad for a whle. I would bring it up and he would say -- busyness, tired lives, and he would say that he didn't feel deprived. Thought we had an okay sex life, blah blah blah. Well, yeah, HE did, because he was taking care of his own needs. (On paper, I should have been the one to have an affair because my needs weren't getting met and I was the one who was neglected, but there was always an excuse for everything. A defensiveness if questioned. A tiredness with the "unhappy wife" who wasn't appreciating everything HE was doing for the family.)

Again, the summary of everything was a lack of connection. A lack of making each other a priority. And then only one saw the need to remedy it. At this point, I didn't realize it, but he was already open, looking elsewhere.

I had fallen into the category of being taken for granted at home. I was the housekeeper, the babysitter, the child shuttler, the keeper of the homefront (I had stopped working from home at this point due to health issues, family crisis with exteneded family members and I was left to deal with all of these issues by myself, only he didn't see it that way. In fact, he carried resentment for my not working...)

The external signs were these:

He started dressing better for work despite the newer casual policy.
He started texting more
He took greater care in excercising more and running with "friends"
He consistently started working later -- He pretty much always came home 8:30pm or later though in his mind it was 7:30
His answers were obtuse
He was supportive with me, but I sensed the lack of sincerity "yes dear"
I would catch him looking at me (physically) critically
He started becoming short with me in public in front of other people -- he NEVER did that before.
He would always put the kids first
Towards the end, he started becoming short with the kids too
Our dog was the hero (still is sometimes.)

More to come.....


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I didn't so much miss things as I trusted my partner instead of my gut. After 13 years of "true love," sharing friends/family, supposedly sharing the same disdain for the act of cheating... I viewed my gut as the less credible source. I caught a few warning signs, we talked a few times, but she reassured me and lied like crazy. Since I'm not usually the jealous type and I trusted I knew what type of person she was, I actually felt very bad and conflicted for doubting her when that gut feeling remained and intensified.

She doesn't have the best poker face, but she is a capable mental gymnast and packs incredible defense mechanisms. Her poor memory makes filling in the gaps (for her & against others) even easier. Within herself, she justified the lies she told and the things she did in whatever way kept her 2 worlds intact, and she fought covertly from the start and overtly at the end to keep the other man in her life. If I didn't know it to be a fact, I wouldn't believe she was capable of doing what she did.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> No. But he did criticize others in his office for doing exactly the same things he was doing himself.


and then there's the converse reaction -- whereas before a little more inclined to say it bothered him, he started to not comment on other's infidelity or to say "well who really knows what's going on? We're not there...." and so on.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

jaded0731 said:


> Did anyone's WS joke with you (the BS) about the very behavior they were engaging in?
> 
> My H's EA was long distance. Quite often when I was on the computer, he would say "What are you doing, talking to your Internet Boyfriend?"


or how about looking at your phone when you get a text? He used to NEVER do that....all of a sudden he seemed to be interested in who was texting me....only because he was thinking of who was texting him! Guilt!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

At this point, I am SURE my STBX is and was a cheater.

Looking back, I saw EVERY SIGN...I just excused them away.

Fool. Never again.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Most definately the 'couldnt wait to get to work' part.
> 
> Wouldnt take vacation days.


It's amazing how many trips we'd go on and he'd have to come back early *(without us)* because he had so much work. Same with working late...Granted his type of work drives working late depending on the load, but not THAT consistently. "Oh the pressure I'm under at work". Yeah, well he was. But it sure was a sassy excuse to avoid us at home and be "available" for her more. 

And then always seemed to be giving her rides to work (we live in the same town) or catching a ride in with her. There were others he could catch a ride in with but he always checked with her first "because they live closer to us and I wouldn't want to make the others who live across town have to pick me up." BS -- you wanted to ride with her. (These though were NOT lost on me. I just didn't act on it. dumpkopf!) Then there were the times he was catching a ride that I didn't know about until I asked why he was going in late "Oh, I'm giving Permelia a ride into work...." Wouldn't have known if I hadn't asked.....

And he always seeming to know what she and her husband were up to. (And now I know she knew everything we were doing! Gross.)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> At this point, I am SURE my STBX is and was a cheater.
> 
> Looking back, I saw EVERY SIGN...I just excused them away.
> 
> Fool. Never again.


Tell us what they were.....


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

A subtle one....he'd occasionaly say prayers at night with the kids before bed. I'd listen in from the next room. I found it odd and it bothered me that he would pray "Please forgive us for our selfishness." 

He now says that it was exactly what it sounded like. He was feeling guilty..... 

Ugh that bothered me.

A not so subtle one -- he started drinking more frequently. A drink or two with dinner almost every night. Not like him. (I'm a recovered boozer so I notice any subtle changes in drinking -- ha ha.)


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Oh, and here's another one...when we'd go to parties, he'd kind of ditch me. We weren't a unit....I was left to wander or fend for myself. (He liked my independance. bs.) He just wasn't really interested in hanging out with "me." In fact we went to one halloween party where OW and her husband were. We had been fighting on the way there. We pulled it together before going into the party....wandered, talked to the Pres of his Co and his wife -- nice folk and then my husband had to go get a drink. He never made it back to where we were. Eventually I wandered on -- looking for him in various rooms. Where was he? In another room hanging with OW and her husband. Yup. That was Halloween of 2010.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Here's another set of patterns: Couldn't stay awake when at home, snoring down the place and when he wasn't he was daydreaming pretending to sleep. Eating copious amounts of food before leaving the house. Frequently dead phone battery for 3 hour spurts. Changed underwear style. Excellent grooming suddenly. 

Started choosing hamburgers from menus when we ate out (her fave food). Informing me of what's known as "white girl music", while its on the radio station in MY car, when I grew up on it. Telling me about fruit flavored condoms - ??? Talking to me as if I just stepped off a raft from the Amazon jungle (dumb like hey that's a car, that's a train, that's a plane), when I have a masters degree education having spent all of my adult life in the US.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Phone up his ass
Never was home late. ALWAYS on time.
Didn't go out much. But when he did, it was all night/morning.
Shadiness about where he was going and who with
Blaming me for not letting him have friends 
Hiding phone
texting when I'd leave room, hiding phone when i'd come back in.

Nothing else out of the ordinary. he says he didn't cheat....but I don't believe him. Especially after yesterday and his lies...lies lies lies...all lies with him.

I know we're broken up, but trolling for sex on Craigslist, being on a dating site (which was in his inbox before and he said it was spam!!! HAHAHA!!!! ) is NOT something that just happens on a whim or spur of the moment. I'm sure he did that crap before too...in "Private browsing". Yep.

Disgusting.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh yes! The nonstop sleeping and 'zoned out' and laziness.

Not "in" the house even when with us.

Going through the motions.

Now I see him chatting with girls online and he's MR. SUAVE! LMAO! omg. Sickening. All Mr. Man. Embarrassing. 

He has no idea what he's thrown away. I hope he gets a fun STD. I was tested, I'm clean.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One of the OP's here noted that her H still had the condom on when he came home and undressed for bed.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

........................Um,,,,IF thats true- I want to see that man naked bc that must be impressive to stay on in his 'relaxed' state!!!!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He was apparently pretty drunk, too. The not-quite-smoking gun...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> He was apparently pretty drunk, too.


You don't say?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

OMG! :rofl: Gross.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You just can't make this stuff up.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She seemed to have a soft corner for a male, head of construction. I sort of ignored, despite my gut gliving me a hint.

Hmmm


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> One of the OP's here noted that her H still had the condom on when he came home and undressed for bed.


Oh my God I was laughing sooo hard at this! Really? How stupid can you be?:rofl:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Oh my God I was laughing sooo hard at this! Really?  How stupid can you be?:rofl:


Have your girls noticed that this:rofl: seems to show up alot on every thread we start.....:rofl: love it.

And yes, that is one of the strangest things-EVER!


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Strange? Not! Plain stupid is what it is! We see soo many stupid things here from our WS and their APs it is moronic how much we choose to ignore.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

NO gut feeling. NO secret texting/passwords. It simply happened while I was working overnights.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

jaded0731 said:


> Did anyone's WS joke with you (the BS) about the very behavior they were engaging in?
> 
> My H's EA was long distance. Quite often when I was on the computer, he would say "What are you doing, talking to your Internet Boyfriend?"


I used to joke when he called me on his way home "Hurry up, get out! My husband is on his way!"....I don't make that joke any more, although I almost did a couple of times...just my humor...and instead just wrinkled my nose and grunted. Boo.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

jaded0731 said:


> Did anyone's WS joke with you (the BS) about the very behavior they were engaging in?
> 
> My H's EA was long distance. Quite often when I was on the computer, he would say "What are you doing, talking to your Internet Boyfriend?"


My wife joked that my two best friends had me on suicide watch. As they tended to me nearly around the clock while she was blowing me off, flatly denying everything that seemed to be before my eyes, mocking me in my pain and despair, and telling me that I was being ridiculous. That was pretty funny.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> My wife joked that my two best friends had me on suicide watch. As they tended to me nearly around the clock while she was blowing me off, flatly denying everything that seemed to be before my eyes, mocking me in my pain and despair, and telling me that I was being ridiculous. That was pretty funny.


Wow Harken, thats some *wife*. Im so sorry that the person who promised to love and honor you chose to be so cruel. Hang tough.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Wow Harken, thats some *wife*. Im so sorry that the person who promised to love and honor you chose to be so cruel. Hang tough.


It was a brutal chapter in a really difficult book.

She is a good person.

"The girl got reasons, they all got reasons."


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> "The girl got reasons, they all got reasons."


That song definitely reminds me of my experiences with my girl. I met her, made her happy, she went sour again, it ultimately destroyed our relationship, now she's found herself and is happy again. She is sticking around to try to fix things, though I don't know if I can ever feel the same love for her that I once did. Yesterday she texted me a reference to "Criminal" lyrics by Fiona Apple, a song I hadn't heard since MTV played music. She said it almost nailed how she felt as a wayward trying to make amends and fix the damage she's done.

So many songs have new or more powerful meanings after experiencing the subject matter yourself.

One of the signs that tipped me off to her affair, a big red flag that led up to the first DDay, was a CD that was in the player in her car when I drove it to school. Someone else's handwriting, "This one is a doozy," on the CD. 

It was already playing so I listened to 1 song - alright, this is a good song! Number two... good song... another love song.... sinking feeling. So I skipped through the CD and every song was a classic rock love song. I questioned her about it and she said her friend made it & she didn't think it was all love songs... I was seeing something that wasn't there. She later acknowledged I was right and every song was a love song, but it was probably just innocent. First thing we did after the affair was over - smashed and burned those CDs with kerosene - and I took pics of the CDs and labels as evidence for the OM's wife.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Ow, in my case it's pretty hard to tell. I mean now I know to be careful and all but when it happened to me, there was not much I could sniff. It was because the wife's EA started as long distance via computer. She just kept the computer under a password. But then, usually she didn't let me touch her stuff anyway. So, that was it. When we were deep inside it, it would be tough to tell what was right or wrong.

I was just feeling suffocated and finally took a job far away. That pushed her EA even further and finally it came to a point in which my family/marriage imploded. In a way, it was a 180 (180 is always designed to propel an affair into a breaking point; the affair or the family).

I guess I can tell that keeping a secret between each other is a bad sign (the computer password), regardless of how your relationship is, you want to take the driver's seat to determine what's allowed and what's not.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

BookOfJob said:


> Ow, in my case it's pretty hard to tell. I mean now I know to be careful and all but when it happened to me, there was not much I could sniff. It was because the wife's EA started as long distance via computer. She just kept the computer under a password. But then, usually she didn't let me touch her stuff anyway. So, that was it. When we were deep inside it, it would be tough to tell what was right or wrong.
> 
> I was just feeling suffocated and finally took a job far away. That pushed her EA even further and finally it came to a point in which my family/marriage imploded. In a way, it was a 180 (180 is always designed to propel an affair into a breaking point; the affair or the family).
> 
> I guess I can tell that keeping a secret between each other is a bad sign (the computer password), regardless of how your relationship is, you want to take the driver's seat to determine what's allowed and what's not.


Tough way to learn this very important lesson isnt it?


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## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

1. Insisting that I had an affair when I was deployed (I hadn't) and telling me it was ok if I had.

2. Detached from me completely.

3. Fighting needlessly.

4. Avoiding fights.

5. Secretive with phone. Never leaving it EVER.

6. Asking me if I GPSed her vehicle when I wasn't even suspicious (wtf.....that may be a clue).

7. Stopped kissing me altogether.

8. Talked about other man differently.

9. After deployment when I went to her office, OM looked like a deer in the headlights.

10. Did not care anything about me.

11. Worked late all the time.

12. Enjoyed work more than usual (she always has enjoyed work).

13. When I confronted her about her lack of libido and affection, she told me that she loved me and said she was just distracted.

14. While deployed she asked me for the phone password to add OM to friends and family because they "always talked about work stuff."

15. No welcome home sex-bonanza after a yearlong deployment. Not many faithful spouses would pass up sex after not having it for a year.

16. When I came home on R&R and the first time we had sex it felt like it was emotionally painful for her.'

17. I felt like she was eyef*cking several dudes at several points. Turns out they were all OMs at different points.

18. Asks me if its ok to go to the personal trainer's bodybuilding show. I tell her ok, then later on tell her that I'm not comfortable with that unless I go too. She just says, "ok, no problem." She would have never been cool with me dictating her behavior if she was on the straight and narrow....but he was another OM.

What was hard for me is that I hadn't seen her for a year due to deployment, and all of her behaviors had changed. I didn't see a slow change, and I just assumed she had changed while I was gone.

All in all, too many signs, and my spider sense was ignored many more times than this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Crap, somebody beat me to it. Getting old and slow!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Crap, somebody beat me to it. Getting old and slow!


TY!!


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