# Help! My wife developed feelings for another man...



## Foundations88 (Jun 1, 2011)

I'm so desperate right now...or maybe I'm just numb I'm not really sure about anything really. I'm sorry for no introduction, I'm new here, I found this forum a while ago and occassionally lurk looking for advice but now... I really need advice.

Back in April of 2010 my wife started working at this store in our area, at the same time this guy got hired there as well they became friends, I became friends with him as well and actually really enjoyed hanging out with him. After a while I felt like there was something off, like my wife had feelings for him but she never amditted to it. A few days ago we were talking about our relationship and how bad it's become, we used to be that sickening cute couple everyone knows, now we're so distant. She said that she doesn't feel that "feeling" for me anymore, that lust, that passion. But that she loves me more than anything and wants to do anything to make this work. She admitted to having those "feelings" for this other guy. Nothing happened she said she didn't understand at first how she could be attracted to another guy if she loved me so much but after a while she realized something bad was happening and she left her job but I continued to hang out with the guy not knowing anything, he doesn't know anything either. But our distance grew and I believe it was because she was keeping all this inside, she said now that it's all out in the open she feels 1% better but atleast it's something. I am glad that all she wants is to make this work and that she never wanted any of this to happen but now I am having trouble looking at her, I keep seeing him everytime I look at her. She even admitted to his face popping in her head when we made love, but only sometimes and she would get really weird after and sometimes cry, now I know why... We are seeking to find a counselor but I just don't know what to do I love her and want to be with her and she wants that to but I just don't know how to be around her anymore, it's like in my mind she is with him now and I'm just a friend... This is killing me, why can't she feel that way about me? Please I need some advice, I'm in tears writing this, this is all so hard, I never thought this would happen.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Those feelings your wife is talking about go away with time. She had them for you once, but now it's different. She has them with him, but they'll fade once reality sets in.

I don't know what to tell you, but know that the "in love" feelings are a lie. It's just chemicals in the body that react and make a person feel high. It doesn't last and it's fleeting. She's just chasing the good feelings because somewhere along the line, she lost interest in your marriage. What happened?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How long ago did she quit her job?
When did this all come out?

Breaking up is hard to do so it appears she is having withdrawls. Woth hard work and counseling time may heal thus wound.

I'm 20 months from d-day and we are in a healthy R, but it still takes work just like everything else. I am in a much better place now, thanks to my wife doing the heavy lifting in helping me heal.

Thats a big part, the work your spouses is willing to do to help you heal.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Any married person can develop a feeling for another. It's how they handle it that matters and says alot about that person. Your W at least shows some sense trying to control her emotion. 

Enforce an absolute NC, and hopefully the feeling will dissipate with time. 

Also, find a good MC.


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## Foundations88 (Jun 1, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> Those feelings your wife is talking about go away with time. She had them for you once, but now it's different. She has them with him, but they'll fade once reality sets in.
> 
> I don't know what to tell you, but know that the "in love" feelings are a lie. It's just chemicals in the body that react and make a person feel high. It doesn't last and it's fleeting. She's just chasing the good feelings because somewhere along the line, she lost interest in your marriage. What happened?


We were having a really tough time, we were living with my parents at the time but everything is good now, why does she still have those feelings? I've done everything for her, she herself has admitted it that I've done nothing to deserve this... This is really killing me, I can't look at her now without thinkin of him.



the guy said:


> How long ago did she quit her job?
> When did this all come out?
> 
> Breaking up is hard to do so it appears she is having withdrawls. Woth hard work and counseling time may heal thus wound.
> ...


She quit her job back in April after a year of working there, she said she didn't really realize what was happening right away, it took her a while to figure it out, when she did she tried to get out but couldn't because we needed the money and she didn't want to tell me that she needed to quit. She is willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal it's just I don't know what I need to heal.



sadcalifornian said:


> Any married person can develop a feeling for another. It's how they handle it that matters and says alot about that person. Your W at least shows some sense trying to control her emotion.
> 
> Enforce an absolute NC, and hopefully the feeling will dissipate with time.
> 
> Also, find a good MC.


I would love an absolute NC it's just I feel that that shouldn't be neccessary you know? I don't know how to explain it, I don't want the feelings to go away just because she can't see him, I want them to just go away, what if she saw him again or something, I would be scared they would come back.

It's so weird she says now that she's feeling "lust" for me again, we've had amazing sex twice now but for me it's more like she seduces me because I am so sad that I really don't want to... I'm so confused... I have this overwhelming feeling that she "belongs" to him now and not me, like she's no longer my wife, my girlfriend, my girl... I just miss her so much, I just want all this to be over but I can't let it go while she still has feelings for him and not for me.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

The good thing is , she told you and quit her job, before it got any furhter. you did not have to discover it on your own. To me that says volumes about your wife.JMHO...
I wish my wife would have told me 1st and not lied about it up untill D-day.


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## Foundations88 (Jun 1, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> The good thing is , she told you and quit her job, before it got any furhter. you did not have to discover it on your own. To me that says volumes about your wife.JMHO...
> I wish my wife would have told me 1st and not lied about it up untill D-day.


You're right and in a weird sense I'm proud of her I just wish I didn't have to be proud of her for this. I am willing to forgive and forget all of this, we were going through a horrible time in our life together and she had never been so unhappy and at the time this was the only persone that could make her laugh and forget a bit about everything so I guess I can understand a little because she didn't choose this, it just kills me inside now because she still doesn't have those feelings for me and I just want them back...


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