# Decision



## shellshocked (May 19, 2009)

I have a decision to make and seem unable to make it. My husband of nearly 23 years recently came to me and asked permission to pursue a flirtacious relationship with another. I can make the boundries and we could go from there. This could or could not include sex. I told him I would need to consider this and would get back to him. I do not have a problem with people that choose to have this type of lifestyle. I just don't know if this would work for me. We have 2 children who just turned 16 and 18 and I need to consider them as well. I have run just about every scenario over and over in my head and am feeling more and more confused. I haven't been sleeping well in days. I am angry, understanding, confused and freaked out. We were married very young and I know that this is coming from that. Do I give him some room for a while and go from there? Leave him? Tell him no way? How do I come to a decision?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Well, if it were me it would be an absolute 'no way'. But you're not me. I think maybe looking at the motivations for why you would make a decision one way or another might help.

If you were to tell him to go ahead with it... would you honestly be okay with it? Would you be giving him a yes just because you'd be too afraid to see what happens if you said no? That maybe he would leave you?

Would he agree if the situation was reversed? 


Did he give you any reasons why he wanted to do this? Is he unhappy with an aspect of your marriage? Bored? Just curious? Trying to recapture something he thinks he missed out on in his younger days? Or is he just being selfish?

I hope you find a conclusion you can live with. That's a very difficult position to be in.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If you agree, be sure to make it into something you can hold over him .. forever.

If he wants to be selfish, be sure he has a price to pay... not sure what that is, but if you agree, make sure your going to be ok if he runs off with a new love.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

shellshocked said:


> My husband of nearly 23 years recently came to me and asked permission to pursue a flirtacious relationship with another.



There is a good likelihood he has already started one or has someone in mind. Why would he want move into another relationship? What’s missing in your marriage?

Giving him permission to woo another is a can of worms best left closed.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you need to tell him exactly how this is making you feel, and let him decide on his own. I dont think you need to tell him 'yes' or 'no'. You just have to let him know what concerns you, how its going to affect you and the kids, and let him decide.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Hers an idea, tell him to sign over all money to you, his bank account and 401K...
get it all done legally... so its a done deal.

then, after all that is done, tell him to knock himself out
lol


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Funny preso!

For most an open relationship invites more trouble.

Find out the reasons for his reaching out. 

How would this benefit you in the relationship?


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Get a divorce then he can have as many open relationships as he wants!!!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

ask him if you can sleep with his brother or his best friend (not that you really want to) but throw that in his face.

Don't agree to this, get a divorce if neither of you want to be together, the kids are old enough to understand and probably already see it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

shellshocked-
I'm not going to risk a comment without knowing more about the state of your relationship as it stands.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

For him to even ask this of you something is not quite right. I would not do it as when he is out in general you will always wonder what he is up to and it will turn you inside out.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I have know a couple of, well, couples who tried the whole "open marriage" thing. It started for them with just flirting, then on to kissing..then on to sex (with the other's permission). It seemed to spiral out of control from there. Both relationships ended. From what I have seen, it does not work. I've seen every one involved in this situation devistated on some level and that doesn't even include the kids.

That is just what I've seen, though, but you could be making a life altering decission.


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## shellshocked (May 19, 2009)

Wow! These are some responses. 

I have told him how this makes me feel. I know who the person in question is (I don't KNOW her, but I have met her a few times). As it stands today, I will have access to all emails/ communications (yes, he knows this). 

We have had many grueling conversations over the last few days about this. Sometimes it feels like we've made progress and sometimes it's just really confusing. 

My husband has agreed to therapy if we decide to go. A therapist of my choosing. 

My husband is not a bad guy. Is there something missing in the marriage...yes. But I think we've figured that out. I have been calling him on his "****" more than I ever have. He is hearing me and responding. He even said to me today. That if he has to choose, he would choose us. This came after I felt him defending her when I said I wanted to see the emails and I didn't want to wait for her ok to do this. I told him he was not honoring our relationship and that he owed me that much no matter how this all comes out. 

I told him I would like to take a meeting with her and he was surprised and a little defensive because he didn't want me to go off on her. I told him that was not my intention. I told him my anger did not lie with her because that would be misplaced. After all, this is his choosing. I would like to see who this woman is that my husband has fallen for. Would I like her? 

I also told him that I didn't want him to forewarn her of this possible meeting because that puts pressure on me and would possibly put her on the defensive.

So here I sit, still confused. But feeling more in control....sort of.

When it comes down to it, I know my husband loves me and I love him. Will that be enough? What if I do really like this woman and befriend her? Oye!

As for those of you who worry about my financial well being. We are not rich, but my husband knows that basically my life would not change with the exception of him not being around if we were to part. He financially supports me now and will continue no matter what.

Any other thoughts would be greatly welcome. Perspective from those not emotionally involved can be of great help.

Thanks!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I just don't think you should permit it. JMHO. It could easily lead to more "problems" than it solves.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

wow you are taking this very business like which tells me you really don't care if he does this as long as you have control.

What do you really want out of this relationship with this woman? are you intrigued by it?


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Personally after my h having an emotional affair (as far as I know) with my best friend it is not worth the heartache. I am still with my h nearly 2 years later but I still think about it and it has been very hard work. I would not let him do this to you as you are worth more than that. it might start of easy but could have a very different outcome.


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