# Do I have a roommate or a wife?



## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

I wonder whether or not my wife really loves me. She never says that she does. I feel that she may, but she is not 'in love' with me. And I quite possibly feel the same way about her.....

She is not affectionate unless I say something or ask. Also, I am the only one to initiate sex.

here's a short story of us - married 6 years, 2 kids one from her previous marriage. Jobs - we currently each make about the same amount. Though I also have no idea of exactly how much she makes, and she knows exactly how much I make.

I have checked cell phone/text records - nothing obvious of an affair. I have seen her messages and email to/from friends that discuss our marriage as rough or bad. She recently referred to herself as a "free spirit".

The only time I go out (and she's always invited) are Sundays to watch the football games at the local bar. I'm not a huge drinker at all - in fact during the work week I rarely drink. Weekends it's usually socially - 1 or 2.

She'll go out with her girlfriends once in a while, and usually complains about what's going on. Though the one night she texted me saying she was going to stay longer to discuss the idea of a book club.... WTF! 

I am very careful during conversations with women outside us and our friends, as I don't need an EA or PA - I have enough issues with our marriage that I don't need anything additional to deal with. However I also feel that I need more emotional and physical support from her.

I understand she's tired at the end of the evening. We have 2 boys, one is hers from a previous marriage. Because of my work hours, I leave early and get home late - both kids are usually just getting out of bed in the morning, and when I get home we immediately sit down to dinner.

Sometimes she suggests that I should adopt him - and I can easily see this would result in additional child support if we divorce.

We don't cuddle at all in bed - she says that she's always too hot. She rarely says 'I love you' even after I have said it.

We have been talking about getting a bigger house, as we are over flowing in the current one. However with the market, we will not be able to afford to sell. Also, I'm not real sure I want to be tied down to any further large debts with her.

She also comments about how much she's not happy with the public school system. She would love to have her son back in private school. To my knowledge, she is still paying for her son's private school from 3 years ago.

And our son will be going into Kindergarten next year, and the public schools here have me concerned too. I agree that he would get a better foundation in a private school. However, I feel that neither of us can afford it.

I've been falling further into debt - though she claims we each pay about half the bills. i pay the mortgage, our cell phones (including her sons), tv/internet, electric, and car insurance. She pays the gas and water, and groceries. Somebody failed math!

Some of this is me venting to a bunch of strangers. However do any of you have experience with this?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

My experiences have been different but it sounds to me you could both usefully read up on the five languages of love if you have not already done so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer; they teach you how to be the man in the house and keep your wife respecting you, wanting you, and wanting to please you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

First of all you need a household budget.

She needs to stop hiding her paychecks. Of course you pay more than her towards the household. For all you know she has loads of credit card debt & you are responsible for 1/2 of it! 

No new house and private school tuition until she comes clean.

As to your other issues, read the books suggested above.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

last night she falls asleep watching the debates, then comes up to bed around midnight. i ask her if she's going to kiss me goodnight and she says "no". so I respond "F' My Marriage" and my wedding ring ends up behind my side of the bed.

this morning, she comes downstairs and says good morning like everything is fine. after I leave for work I get a text saying she didn't realize I left and to have a nice day.

I respond that she needs to figure out what she wants from me and our marriage, as I feel like it's not me she wants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're acting like a child. A passive aggressive one. 

NO woman is going to want to put in work for that marriage. 

Did you read my advice? Are you going to read the books?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The adoption pressure will rise as her doubts about the marriage increase. I know a guy very well who got the cold treatment until he adopted two weeks children. Two years later they divorced. 

There is a reasonable alternative but it requires trust. Term life insurance. 

If you are the stable good guy she married after she broke up with the bad boy type, she knows she can keep you around if she makes a little effort.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Turnera - I thought we had the book, but was unable to find it.

Mem - yes I am the stable good guy. She kicked out previous husband cause he was a dead beat - no decent job, etc. in the 8 years I've known the kid, the dad has only shown up once on 4th birthday. No idea where he's been the last 8 years and has not paid any child support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So go buy the book. Stop making excuses.


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## roberbunch (Oct 18, 2012)

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer


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## Lost-Husband (Aug 12, 2012)

I’m currently going through this with my wife, but I have a long story behind it.

We went through some trouble, but both decide we want to stay in the marriage cause deep down we do love each other. But, to me it seemed like I was the only one trying and received nothing back from her, no sign of love or affection. It actually blow up this weekend and I told her I was tired of this one way love affair (listen to the song Had enough by lifehouse) and if she didn’t want it neither did I and was ready to call it quits, but she did come around and understand and understood where I was coming from..

Either way, I came across this book and this online quiz call “the 5 languages of love” It basically quizzes you on what types of actions make you feel loved by someone. If your wife is speaking to you in a language that you don’t perceive as love, you won’t feel her love. The same goes the other way 

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Take the quiz, have your wife take the quiz and see if you guys need to adjust the way you express your


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

Lost - sorry to hear of your experience.

I'm not sure if you saw my other posts, but sure enough there was the OM. whom I introduced my W to as someone she could work within their field. W says OM told his W, my former coworker from about 2 years ago.

W says she had no idea whar she was thinking and couldn't believe she fell for his comments - oh you deserve better than him, blah blah blah.

Anyway, I've taken the quiz and asked her to do the same. We are on speaking terms right now, and like you, are not sure we will work on the marriage or be done.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you buy the book yet?


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Sure sounds a bit like you're in the process of checking out. It seems like that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you let it. You will see what you need to see to support that action. Your post read very businesslike, if you want to stay, you may have to look for the reasons.


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