# I Know What You're Going to Say...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

But I need to vent! 

Things have been going so well... But when they go downhill, they hit rock bottom!

Yesterday hubby came home grumpy after work. I wanted to get out of the house, and I thought a hike would do us some good. Boy was I wrong!!!

Apparently he was very resentful that I wanted to get out and made what should have been an enjoyable stroll through the Nature Center hell!! His constant negative quips and veiled insults came at every turn until I couldn't take it anymore. We left, and they continued on the way home as well. Finally I pulled the car over into a parking lot and got out, sat on the curb next to the car and broke down. I wanted to walk away from him so bad, but my daughter was in the car. I just wanted to get away from his belittling and name calling. 

It didn't work. He continued to berate and badger me. He called me names, put me down. I could do nothing but cry - I already know that reasoning with him is futile. He yelled at passersby to call the police - none did although I secretly wished they had. So I'd get to go to the loony bin. At least I wouldn't be around him anymore.

When all his insults and threats didn't coerce me to get back into the car, (gee, how could that tactic have failed???) He got out and walked away. I have told him so many times, that if he is just nice we can talk, but I won't fuel his insults.

At 11pm at night, he got out and left. Didn't say a damn word to me. He threw the car keys at me and walked off.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I waited like an idiot for him to come back. After an hour of waiting I left. I went home without him. :'(

He wasn't there when I got home, so I was kind of wandered around aimlessly. About 15 minutes after I got home, he shows up. Oh yay, now it's MY fault that he had to walk home!!!

I begged him repeatedly to quit calling me names and putting me down, and he just couldn't help himself! Had he been able to just STOP, yes, I might not have gotten to the crazy point where I can't stop crying again.

Everything is my fault. I just couldn't take it anymore - but he left his wife and two month old daughter in a parking lot last night in the dark.

I completely ignored the next hour of ranting and raving until he finally went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I just shut down.

This morning it continues. He says it's over because *I* won't get help for my anxiety. How the hell an I supposed to do that when I'm locked up 24/7??? He completely justifies his actions last night, refuses to apologize and put 100% of the blame on me!

Someone please tell me why I'm crying over this @ssh0le!!!! I have never been with someone so cruel and cold hearted, and yet I don't want to leave. I don't want to start over from scratch again! I just want my husband to love me!!!!     

I know what you're going to say... I just needed to get this out before I blow up! I feel so deeply depressed I think I need to call someone. I feel extremely unstable and am having very dark thoughts.    
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Awwww, Yin. This breaks my heart.

Any guy that left me in a parking lot, with or without an infant daughter, would find his stuff packed and sitting on the front porch.

I'm sorry -- I know, easy for me to say, but good heavens, this is no way to treat a friend, much less a wife.

Please do call someone local -- we care about you, but we are far away. xoxoxoxoxox


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If you were my daughter I would have so much to say. Seriously, your H sounds like someone with a personality disorder or, he could just be an old-fashioned jackass. People can only treat you how you allow them to. This guy treats you like sh!t most of the time. I honestly do not know how you stand it at all.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Yin, geez...sitting here tears in my eyes, I have no idea what to even say other than...Im sorry your going thru this ****

PS. a real man would never do this to a woman, let alone to one he's supposed to love.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

No dark thoughts please, you have a daughter, ...please please please do like lamaga suggested. call someone local, womens shelter anything, they are there to help you cope.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Yin,

Was your daughter witness to all this crap while you went out the car and your husband pulled his antics?

If yes, then just know that she will never forget it. If she is exposed to even 4-5 episodes like this, she will end up being prone to all sorts of depressions and personality issues later in life.

Reading your post gave me the chills. It reminded me of very similar fights that my parents had when I was very little. I don't even remember the circumstances, but I easily remember the verbal abuse my father inflicted on my mom. It still hurts.

As pidge said, your husband sounds like a disordered person. I understand your issues with him are not going to get magically fixed overnight and being a pro-marriage person I don't think you should seek divorce right away, but I would do my absolute best to shield your daughter from all the drama. You need to have a talk with your husband and come up with a verbal contract to not escalate things in front of your daughter. Hopefully he understands that much.

I'm so sad all of a sudden


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm not sure how long your husband has been acting this way, but regardless, there comes a time when its no longer about how bad a person is treating you, its about WHY you continue to stay and allow it. Excuses and justifications wont fix it or make the other person change or stop what they are doing. Time to look out for you and your child.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jamison said:


> I'm not sure how long your husband has been acting this way, but regardless, there comes a time when its no longer about how bad a person is treating you, its about WHY you continue to stay and allow it. Excuses and justifications wont fix it or make the other person change or stop what they are doing. Time to look out for you and your child.


:iagree:

Yin, I am sorry you are dealing with this, it really is unfair. I hope you recognize that the way he is treating you IS abuse... HE has a problem and it is costing him so much, and of course you know his problem is costing you a lot too. You need to get yourself out of that situation whether that means leaving, having him leave, or somehow breaking this pattern because when you are around each other under normal circumstances he is losing it and he needs to get it together.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

This one is easy - imagine your daughter telling you this story. What would your advice be? What kind of example do you want to set for her about marriage?


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## kuteguy (Jun 15, 2012)

He is taking you and your marriage for granted! I think you should stand up on your own feet and be happy. It seems like he is draining you of life slowly but surely and making himself feel better as a result.

Some people are like that.. They need someone to be their punching bag..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is a piece of crap.

Leave this man.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. Because she's going to grow up going through the same cruelty that you are.

I can't imagine if my mother had stayed with my father any more than the 4 years of my life that she did. There was physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse in those 4 years. Enough to damage me for life. Get out now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the reason why verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse is that the abused don't have bruises or broken bones to compel them to leave.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The more you let his words get to you, the more he will keep using them this way. He says he wants to walk away? Say, "ok". He says you need help for anxiety and it's your fault he wants to leave, say, "well, maybe you are right that we both need a little bit of time apart; why don't you go stay with so and so for a week and we can talk when you get back?" or just say "ok fine". Be un-emotional, neutral. Your lack of a response will neutralize rather than fuel his anger.

I know what it's like to love someone who is so volatile. I wouldn't have walked away if I hadn't discovered his betrayals the way I did and every day I wish he'd go back to being the guy I love, so being apart is harder than I admit. I've gotten stronger and less doormat like since we separated and noticed that not responding or just going dark when he's a jerk makes him rethink his own actions and come back nicer. Try to be strong. Read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?". It might help. Also, read Brene Brown's "Gifts of Imperfection" to uncondition yourself from letting his hypercritical bullying get to you when he's on an angry warpath.

You won't walk away till you've had enough. So, learn how to toughen up in the meantime. In so sorry that he's treating you so badly. I understand and I sympathize.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I begged him repeatedly to quit calling me names and putting me down, and he just couldn't help himself! Had he been able to just STOP, yes, I might not have gotten to the crazy point where I can't stop crying again.
> 
> Everything is my fault. I just couldn't take it anymore - but he left his wife and two month old daughter in a parking lot last night in the dark.
> 
> ...


This is very sad. People here do care, and they have told you repeatedly why you stay. You are severely codependent and you are indulging in magical thinking. You want your husband to love you. The man you are married to is apparently incapable of doing so, due to his own problems. You are unable to see WHAT IS, so you stay, holding onto WHAT IF.

Said it before, and will continue to say it: When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave.

And the real tragedy is, a baby is being exposed to all this chaos; the only true innocent victim in this present scenario.

It is sad that you believe this a$$hole you are married to it incapable of stopping his verbal abuse and put-downs. I suppose if that is true, you might want to go back to stay with your sister for awhile. 

After all, what you are doing to try to get him to stop is not working.

The saddest thing about this entire situation would be if you are still here, a year from now, venting. I know people care, but ultimately only you can walk out and leave this man.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It's difficult to read your posts, Yin. They're heartbreaking. 
The answer is so obvious to the rest of us.

Even if you won't leave for you, please leave for the sake of your daughter. Once you become a mother you need to always keep in mind how your behavior impacts your child. Your daughter is learning all the wrong things about what a relationship should be. Continued exposure to abuse like this (yes, it IS abuse) is abuse too. You're teaching her this is how a man treats a woman. A child should not grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable. 

*Hoping and wishing aren't plans of action.*

No matter how much you beg him, he's not going to change unless he wants to and what he thinks/says is completely out of your control. We only have control over ourselves. 

Crying and begging make you seem weak and controlling people like him like that. 

I hope that you leave this toxic situation. You are wasting the best years of your life (you'll realize this when you get to be much older) on someone who doesn't respect you. Please go to a trusted relative, a place of worship or a family services organization now. Otherwise you'll go through this cycle of verbal abuse, apology and calm, then another cycle of verbal abuse and apology/calm. 

I feel very sad when I read your posts.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Was your daughter witness to all this crap while you went out the car and your husband pulled his antics?
> 
> If yes, then just know that she will never forget it. If she is exposed to even 4-5 episodes like this, she will end up being prone to all sorts of depressions and personality issues later in life.(


get real. The kids' only 2 months old.

Not like he's a great guy. Unless he completely turns around, he's not gonna be the good role model for this kid. He cant be nice & supportive of mom, he's never gonna be nice & supportive of child.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your troubles Yin..Sometimes its not you. That's what I've learned recently..

here for ya!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Yin take it from a reformed jackass ( well partially anyway) he does this because you let him. He makes bad decisions and will defend them until death. I imagine he only apologizes as a last resort and rarely. I'm sure his justifications are filled with " If you had only" and "I wouldn't have acted that way if".


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Not like he's a great guy. Unless he completely turns around, he's not gonna be the good role model for this kid. He cant be nice & supportive of mom, he's never gonna be nice & supportive of child.


:iagree:

This makes the most sense to me. 

But I have a question.. how far from your house were you when you pulled over? If it was 3+ miles, don't take that sh*t about him having to walk home.. it probably took him that long just to walk. So he would have decided when he got out of the car that he was walking, you didn't make him do anything. 

Well, either way, don't take that crap from him.. he made the decision to get out of the car and walk off. But if it was a ways from your house, he was walking when he got out and it took him that long to get there.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks guys. I'm back into "leave" mode. Just have to figure out how, again.

He came home and said he wanted a hug. I said "what for?" He says, "I can't afford a divorce", I told him that's "too damn bad".

He says he won't apologize for leaving unless someone who is not my family tells him it was the wrong thing to do. I say I don't care what anyone else thinks... To think of all the times I wanted to leave the HOUSE while we were arguing, just to get some fresh air, and he would tell me, "you're abandoning your daughter" How on EARTH does this crazy man justify walking away from us in a parking lot at night??

I kicked him out of my room. I said he will continue to support us until I find a place to go... But he ain't sharing my bed with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Jeez, show him this thread. There are plenty of people here who are not your family who think he's a huge Jacka**. Give him my phone number, I'll gladly explain to him.

Hang in there, honey.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

You need to get a lot more angry than you are now, sweetheart. No more sadness, it's time to be FURIOUS that someone would treat you like this.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I can't afford a divorce. Well doesn't that just scream I love you don't leave.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh Lou, I am beyond furious. I will admit, I'm always the first to wave the white flag, but this time I'm not. I'm furious that he could leave us - leave his daughter, even after telling me how "incompetent" I am, because I have anxiety attacks. He is supposed to PROTECT us, and he failed the second he left. He feels justified because he left me the car, but the way I see it, he still abandoned us!

Yes, I wouldn't get in the car with him because I didn't feel "safe" from his emotional badgering - but I didn't LEAVE! 

I really don't care about qualifying any of these facts to him. In my mind - he's the psycho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Oh Lou, I am beyond furious. I will admit, I'm always the first to wave the white flag, but this time I'm not. I'm furious that he could leave us - leave his daughter, even after telling me how "incompetent" I am, because I have anxiety attacks. He is supposed to PROTECT us, and he failed the second he left. He feels justified because he left me the car, but the way I see it, he still abandoned us!
> 
> Yes, I wouldn't get in the car with him because I didn't feel "safe" from his emotional badgering - but I didn't LEAVE!
> 
> ...


I take it he doesn't realize his behavior brings some of them on?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

No, he's an angel, Joe.

The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that my anxiety attacks have increased 1000x since I've been with him and his verbally abusive, badgering ways.

There have been a few instances where they were brought on, seemingly out of nowhere, but they weren't like this.

It's funny - he used to be the one to calm me down, hold me until it was over and talk to me in a sensitive and caring manner.

Does that man still exist anymore??? I doubt it. I sometimes wonder if I'm just making things up in my mind... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Coffee Amore said*: Please go to a trusted relative, a place of worship or a family services organization now. Otherwise you'll go through this cycle of verbal abuse, apology and calm, then another cycle of verbal abuse and apology/calm.


 This is so true, it will be like a revolving door of heartache and pain....... Say NO to co-dependency, your daughter is your #1 concern now.... You are now a mother protecting her Cub...looking out for another's future... You don't want her to grow up in THIS environment, sometimes the love of our children are our deepest motivators for that Break... even when we didn't have the will or courage to leave -before. 

Do you have a trusted friend to call during this time -where you can crash while you get the phone book out & reach out to some organizations in the area who can help guide you during this time, get into a Support Group or something. Being surrounded by others who have been there, and came out the other side, who can give direction and hope, this would be so beneficial. 

So sorry YinPrincess. You are still so young, your whole life ahead of you. Where there is life, there is HOPE for a better day, a better tomorrow. It may be without him... and for now anyway... it needs to be.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> The more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that my anxiety attacks have increased 1000x since I've been with him and his verbally abusive, badgering ways.
> 
> It's funny - he used to be the one to calm me down, hold me until it was over and talk to me in a sensitive and caring manner.


I'm sorry to hear that. Also, I completely get it. You could be writing my own story, with these words. stbxh used to be the one person I could count on to not tear me to pieces for being me, but then he became the ringleader of tearing me to pieces when he was in a bad mood. It sucks to be someone's emotional punching bag because they think that no matter what they do or how much they take you for granted, you will just have to put up with it; they expect you to put up with it and then get even more upset when you object; they feel entitled to being this way and that's why they think there's nothing wrong with their behavior.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are you finally going to leave him? You keep going back to him so I am wondering if NOW is the time you're gone for good and begin to heal yourself...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> He says he won't apologize for leaving unless someone who is not my family tells him it was the wrong thing to do. I say I don't care what anyone else thinks...


How about a marriage counselor or mediator of some kind? Sounds like he needs an objective point of view to get him to see that he's out of line.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I don't like his answer about "I can't afford a divorce." But honestly, I think he meant more by asking for the hug & just does not know ways to express it.

If he had no emotions involved & it was only a money factor on whether or not to get divorced, he would not have asked for hug.

Sit down & tell him, that if he has emotions/ like/ respect for you.. he needs to show it in different ways or words. Give him some examples. But, also tell him, that you expect him, as a father, to show kindness and support and respect to his daughter. Not matter what. Period. 

True, you understand his frustration of a crying baby... of the responsibility of little mouth to feed, responsibility of a little soul that needs emotional love & tenderness shown to it & you understand that he is scared to show it, or that he doesn't know how. But, then tell him, Divorce or no... You STILL expect him to learn to respect and tenderly care for his daughter. No matter what else happens between the two of you; You expect him to be a good father. Period.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> He says he won't apologize for leaving unless someone who is not my family tells him it was the wrong thing to do.


OK, I'll bite for your husband. I don't know either of you, so aren't family: Gonna do it for him in British English!

Old chap, you c**ked up. Big time.

You abandoned your wife and your baby daughter. At night That, sir was the act of a cad a, bounder, a rotter and a dastard.

Your wife is upset with you:-

*WELL... DUHHH!* Of course she is upset with you, you twit!

Shape up, mate. For goodness sake!


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## fromblisstothis (May 17, 2012)

Remember the girl you were when you first started dating. Would she put up with this? Be her again...


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