# I belong here now. Nuts.



## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

I finally get to soon file divorce from my crazy wife (together 7 years, married 5 years). If anyone cares to read the original story to see how it all started it is here - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/23409-my-wife-just-killing-me.html

Things went downhill with all this during the fall of 2010. We legally separated May of 2011. So I'm about 5 months into it. I can file for divorce here in November.

As much as I never expected or wanted things to turn out this way i can say that I was lucky enough to have a super easy separation process. We don't have kids, we sold our house breaking even in this horrible economy, we closed our joint bank account and I got her to sign a separation agreement 2 weeks ago. So hopefully a quick visit to the court and a few hundred bucks and I'm free to start a brand new life with hardly any drama behind it. Just pain that has to heal with time.

After living apart 5 months, I still have many ups and downs. The down days where I get really upset at night are not happening as much anymore. I think it only happened once in all of September. I do gotta be careful because if I do stop and dwell on it I still get very angry. That is about the only emotion left. I'm past the shock and sadness. Only anger. I know in time that too, will pass.

I don't miss my wife anymore. What I do miss is some companionship from a woman. I never had many lady friends in my life so I'm trying to work on that. Not a relationship now of course, but someone to hang out with is all, make conversation, etc....

The forums here have been both good and bad. Coming here, it is nice to know that none of us are alone in all this and it is comforting to read the positive comments and stories about people moving on. On the other hand I read a lot of stories on here that piss me off, I guess because it reminds me of my situation. All I can think anymore is what the hell is wrong with people? How can someone proclaim their forever love in the vows of marriage and then cheat on their spouse? Didn't they used to hang people in public for being unfaithful back in the old days? Can't they bring that back?? Sorry if that seems kind of blunt but that is how I feel about cheaters, including both my soon-to-be ex wife and all the spouses of people here going through the same thing. It's the most evil thing you can do to someone.

But anyway, I posted this just to give other people out there an idea of how someone else's path has turned out in the midst of separation/divorce. All I can say to others is to just try to keep busy. Be around good friends or family. That's really helped. Next forum... life after divorce!

Good luck to all who are in this mess too..


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Struggle:

I think that our society does not value marriage. Our entertainment culture glorifies youth and hedonistic fun. Our technological bent values constant change. We do not have stories about how to maintain a relationship; only stories about the initial dopamine rush of romance.

I think that a loyal man who wants to be faithful to his wife is very sexy. There is another woman out there who will share your values. You will appreciate her even more because of the pain that you have endured.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I've found myself lately saying to myself that "if" I ever find myself in a relationship again I hope it is with someone who has been cheated on because it will likely not happen to me again. Although my husband didn't have a PA the EA's (even though he's denied even having one of those) are just as damaging. I want someone who values the meaning of a true relationship. Although that is way out in the future for me, if at all.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Struggle I am glad that you have made it this far. I am 2 and a half months into mine and am almost done with the divorce as it will be final in just a couple days. It is definitely the worst thing I have ever been through as I am sure it is the same for everyone here. In all honesty the closer it is getting to the date the worse I am getting for right now maybe because I realize its all gone down the tube. I dont understand why people cheat and go outside their marriage it is one of the worst feelings in the world to be betrayed by someone that you had professed your love for and valued. Times have really changed and people just jump from one thing to another. I hope one day my wife will wake up and realize the hurt and pain she caused, and who knows maybe one day I will meet someone that values loyalty and commitment.


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I agree with what you all said. Marriage is an obsolete concept. It's not as stable as it was so long ago. With all the facebooks, the chat rooms and the phone texting... it just leaves so many open doors for spouses to communicate with others and not you.

I too feel like I wasted so much time in a marriage that didn't work... but I try to think about all kinds of things that I learned and did along the way. That helps.

Well, try to keep pushing forward. Hopefully the next chapter in life is a better one!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Struggle in a lot of ways our stories are similar. Although I will have to wait till around January for the finalization of the divorce. However everything is pretty cut and dry. We didn't haggle with one another and my bad days are so few and far, I don't even blame the relationship any longer. Life is what it is, nothing more and nothing less. I am glad that you are moving forward and it gives hope to me and others that we are going to be fine.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Justabovewater: That's a nice thought.. but don't count on it. My STBXH was cheated on by the girlfriend just previous to me... with multiple men and women. Didn't stop him from doing it to me.

He says he's feels awful because he knows my pain, but that doesn't change it. I can tell you that I never want another woman to know this pain... (I've been approached by married men since I separated - but they are all incredibly unattractive to me because they are married and would willingly put their wives through this!)


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> with multiple men and women.


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

I figured I'd also add something else. Again, I'm posting to give another idea of how someone else has handled their situation in chance that something I write helps someone else. I'm sure everyone deals with their situation differently but I went through the whole situation with my wife and her cheating, then us dividing and separating and getting ready to file divorce, pretty much all by myself. My friends knew right away when it all started a year ago. I didn't tell my parents until 4 months ago when our house sold, and then I just told the rest of my family 2 weeks ago after we signed our separation agreement.

I never told anybody I guess because I didn't want people asking me questions and worrying about me. I felt like it was nobodies business. I also wanted to make sure a divorce was happening 100%. Back in the early spring of 2011 there might have been the possibility of maybe forgiving, learning what to fix and moving on. But my wife's selfish attitude was sure to come back and solidify that I'm not making a mistake divorcing.

And yeah there were angry moments where I felt like I could go after her or her guy friends and cause some physical problems to them... or even myself at times. But they were just thoughts. I'm getting over that crap. I never did see a counselor. I didn't do that for a couple reasons. For one, a counselor is not going to be able to erase the painful memories from my brain. Only time can do that. Second, I think they'd just tell me what I already know on how to move forward. Keep busy, hang with family or friends and put more time into or find new hobbies. I think I can definitely put check marks next to all that. My wife cheated on me because it was her choice, not because there was anything wrong with me or that I'm ugly. So I knew I was not depressed over myself... just depressed over losing something that could have been a lifetime of something nice. But again, time will fix that (and a pretty new lady would be nice too!  )

It comforts me that someday my wife will look in the mirror and will say "I really screwed up". I get to look in the mirror and say, "now I can do better!" I hope a lot of you out there can say the same as me!


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