# I need help, and my story



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I've been planning to post my story since last week, however something happened a few days ago that completely caught me off guard. I'll start with my story first before I get into the problem. I apologize for errors in advance.

BEWARE SUPER LONG 

Several years of my life compressed after all 

Some basic info.

I'm a mix of black and creole. Shes a half as well, french and black.

At the time I was 29 and out of college, she was 27. 

I worked a desk job at an IT company and she did temp work at lawyer's offices, accounting firms, etc.

Where it all started.

My family and I lived in Baton Rouge, Louisiana until 2005. I stayed in an apartment tho since I have a really big extended family living there as well and needed space to study for my degree(Which I got in the 2005 ). 

We were forced out by Hurricane Katrina. Now we weren't hit by it directly, but some hundred thousand or so refugees flooded the city. 

Housing cost went up, schools and teachers were overwhelmed, and with the high number of people who lost everything there was so much more crime. People were getting robbed and even shot and it wasn't some county miles away, like just a half hour drive away. It was not safe for us anymore, so we decided to leave. My family chose to go to Florida, but there was a job available for me in Georgia though so I decided to head there. 

Fast forward about a year or so. I'm settled in a new apartment, job is paying well, and I made a few friends. 

On July 2th my bestfriend Kevin told me about Mr. Schrock's yearly 4th of July barbecue in his backyard. Told me he know's how to work a grill and a lot of people show up so its fun. Sounded fun to me too so I went with Kev and several friends.

Played games, horsed around a bit with a football, and then started playing some spades, and thats when I met her. Just won a book and then she walked over to where we were playing and started talking to one of my friends Quentin. She was a co worker of his at his accounting firm. I was hit immediately. Shes very tall about 5'11 which was perfect for me since I'm 6'1. Nice tanned long legs and an athletes body. Her face was very beautiful with long dark hair as well . I introduced myself and after the game ended I gave someone else my spot so I could talk with her. Hit it off instantly. She liked sports, books, hell we shared almost every interested except for her love of fashion. I may have even liked that too since she was always looking good, whether when she went out or in a tank top and shorts at home.

We go on a few dates, and kissed and had sex after the 4th one. It was amazing, we kept it up and then were going out exclusively(Or so I thought) within 2 months. 

Fast forward one year, cohabitating in my apartment

Fast forward another year and I popped the question and she accepted.

Set to be man and wife in 8 months

Life was bliss, I've been doing overtime for more than a year and my parents giving me 40k to help, I was finally able to afford a house. She was so excited about raising a family together with me and I couldn't have been more excited. Picking out furniture forwarding addresses, the works. She even called herself Mrs. my last name which was really endearing to me. 

I was so complacent. I thought I had the world all figured, that life's secrets were no secret to me. I had all I wanted in the world, how little I knew in my naivete. 

I had to mail a check so I asked her if she had any stamps since I was out. She said she had some in the glovebox of her car. I go outside and I'm just about to open her car door when she opens the door and yells for me to stop, that she had some in her purse. I thought it odd at the time, but I didn't dwell on it, considering how in love I was. 

Day goes on and we go to bed in our new house, she gets up in the middle of the night though and goes to her car, waking me up in the process. I went to the window thinking she was leaving, but she was just in a robe so I thought she must've forgotten something in there. I was about to go back to bed, and then see a flash. So I'm like what is that? The car was directly under the window and I saw that the flash was squarish rectangle shaped so I figure its her phone. Then I look back on the night stand and see her blackberry sitting there. 

 Then it hit me,she has a second cell phone. I also remember how she burst out of the house before I could open her car door. Something in me turns cold, but I couldn't believe it without proof so I sat in back in bed on my back. She came back in, and lied down next to me. 

For the next 2 hours(it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to sleep on my back) I sat there awake making sure she was asleep. Then I crept out of bed, grabbed her keys and went out to the car. She has a small flashlight on her key ring so I got in easy enough. Opened the glovebox, found the trac fone. I start going through, see a crap load of calls to T on the contact list and no one else. I also see a hotmail in there that I don't recognize since we both use gmail or yahoo. 

I knew I needed to get in there. I remember that she doesn't use different passwords for emails or websites, they're all the same so I coax her gmail out of her under the pretense that I want to check to see if her laptop can open document attachments from my laptop. Got the password, used it on the hotmail account, In. 

What I found scarred me for the next 2 years. hundreds of emails, so many of them explicit and nasty. I send them over to my yahoo account, and delete it from the sent. messages inbox

Going through 40 of those emails was all I could take. Her saying how good he was and how his **** was big all the time, unlike me. Her saying while I'm big while erect she struggles not to laugh whenever she is getting me up(I'm a big shrinker when not erect, about the size of a baby carrot and she knows I was a bit sensitive about that)
How much she enjoys the taste of his semen and some from him about how much he loves fking her ass hole and throat fking her. 

Then all the nude pics back and forth. Her naked on the bed of my old apartment inserting fingers in her p****. Some pics from him of his c*** and abs and even a video file of them screwing. 

I couldn't take anymore and when I saw that many of these emails were from when we just started cohabitating I broke down. Then I got angry, just ready to explode. When she came home from her weekend trip I asked her how it went. She said it was fabulous and she enjoyed time with her friends. 

"I said what about T? Did you enjoy fking him too?"

She plays dumb, that pushed me over the edge and I lost it. 

I got up and threw the chair I was sitting on, it was just a foot away from hitting her and I got into her face. I called her every last swear word in the book and she started crying saying it meant nothing to her and I punched a wall and nearly crushed my pinkie. When she saw that she just went right out the door and drove off. I flew into a rage. Flipped the couch I bought kicked walls, slammed tables, and once I was done I just started crying until I passed out. 

For the next few weeks I was sad, but my anger was forefront, I even yelled at my friend Quentin since I got to know her through him, completely unfair and I apologized to him a few days later.

Word spread at work and I was given a wide berth and a little bit of eggshell walking. 

In my mind the marriage was off.

Then the sadness hit. It was horrible. I was crying nearly all the time, and showing up to work listless and disheveled. My boss noticed and gave me some time off, after that he let me do some of my work from home on my main computer. I wasn't shaving, and I didn't tell my family because I was too embarrassed and ashamed, at what I don't know. I missed her so badly. She used to caress my head and hold me at times. 

I never got one call from her after she drove off that day,

Then once while I was in the lowest points of my depression, she came by. She told me she was sorry and she would do everything to make it up. That she wanted to be my wife and have my children, the whole 9. I was so desperate then I just clung onto her and started crying, we sunk to the floor and she held me. 

We reconciled, and she said that we should still get married and I agreed. She moved back in, told me that she was going to send a letter to OM(NC letter looking back on it) that it was over and that she was going to restore my trust in her. She gave me access to all her accounts, destroyed the trac fone in front of me and started cleaning and rearranging the still wrecked house. This lasted about a month. I thought she was truly remorseful, turns out she was just rugsweeping. Everytime I'd bring it up she'd say 'You know I love you and thats all thats important, the past is in the past' I had absolutely zero self confidence or self respect at this time so anytime see said that I'd drop it. 

5 months from the wedding I'd suffer panic attacks, and hyperventilate. I was diagnosed during therapy I had a year later that I developed PTSD but I didn't know it at the time. Sometimes when something would trigger me I'd have a fit. She would come and hold me until I calmed down and when she did it'd always go away faster. a few weeks in she became apathetic to them. Told me that I had to get my head on straight and to stop acting crazy, thats its all in my head, that we were okay. I most certainly wasn't. After this period she would no longer console me when I triggered and had a fit, she'd just ignore me. I'd literally be 7 feet away grasping at my chest on the ground and she'd be texting or tapping away on her laptop. 

This continued for some time. I lost more than 25 pounds of weight, and due to my fits I avoided confrontation at all costs. shortly after I began checked her glove box every morning and night for the next 130-something days. I was going paranoid. Each morning and night I'd check, and I'd always expect something to be there too. I'd always click it open with a bated breath and quickened heart beat. I never found anything, but it was that paranoia that helped wake me up about a month and a half from my wedding.

One night I grabbed her keys as usual and checked the glove box, nothing there. I put them back on the nightstand, keys draped over another. I woke up before she did and thought to check the glove box again. The keys on her table were exactly how I left them. So I told myself "Kasler the keys are right there the same way you put them last night, its impossible for her to have put anything in there so relax and don't do it this morning"

Take a guess where I was several minutes after thinking that. 

After getting an all clear I was walking back to the house and the weight of everything hit me all at once. I couldn't believe I was living like this. I moved out to Georgia and made a place for myself on my own and now I was living like this. I was in so much pain and needed help so I finally called some family, my sister. When she heard me speak she could instantly tell something was wrong, and I told everything. My sister met my fiance before and was horrified after all I told her. That weekend she came up from Florida.

She called ahead so I was waiting for her on the porch. She just asked me if my fiance was inside. I said yeah, and walked past me straight into my house. I hear shouting and then 20 seconds later my sister was dragging her out by her hair and she was more pissed off than I ever seen her before.( I thanked her for this later) and told her she'd beat the sh!t out of her if she came back. 

She then turned some of that anger on me and was incredulous at how I could accept this for so long. She was with me all day and wanted to tell our family, but I wanted to tell them myself so I told her no to. I got my mother on the phone and told her the wedding was off, I told her why and she got real silent afterwards. She then told me that thats not how she raised me and was disappointed, but that she would always be there for me. After having my first support base after all of this started, I felt a bit like myself again and knew what I had to do. I called her, and told her in no uncertain terms that the wedding was off and to come back on monday when I was away to get her crap. She started to sound teary on the phone, which I responded to by getting angry for the first time in 6 months and telling her to FK OFF! and leave me alone forever. 

My sister has her own family and had to leave so I assured her I could take it from here and would visit Florida sometime soon. After a nice hug she left, and I went to find a good hotel that had good wi fi so I could do some work while waiting for her to get her crap from MY house. 

Big mistake. 

Came home on tuesday, place was gutted. 

Her stuff was all taken, but she took a large amount of my stuff as well. Neighbor says he saw a uHaul parked outside my house and that she and a tall black guy( The mysterious T = Terry) were moving stuff out.

Appliances gone, TVs gone, sound system gone, My main PC gone, PS3, 360, 30-50 games all gone. Even took the CD player she bought me one Christmas out of my car And a note saying shes keeping the wedding ring and selling it since I'm abandoning her. 

Seeing this I fell into depression again and was lonelier than ever. I probably would've gave up the house if it wasn't for the 40k my parents gave me that helped pay for it. What few friends I had left I isolated myself from them, I was still going to work but barely said a word. 

I did little more than wake up, work, replace stuff she stole from me, and sleep for the next 10 months or so. It all pasted in a haze. In this time I also learned from friends I hadn't isolated yet that she pawned the several thousands of dollar wedding ring I gave her, sold the rest of my crap and was living with T in his apartment. 

My sister knew something wasn't right, especially when I never came down to Florida like I said I would. But she was pregnant with her second child and prepping for it so couldn't manage time to come down until after the new child was settled in, hence 10 months of haze. 

I was in pretty much the same state I was in when she left nearly a year ago. Thats when she told me to go on vacation and come to Florida. Nothing better to do so I did. Being around family really helped get me back to being me again. And at my Sister's babyshower I met my current GF. She was a friend of my sister and drove in from Alabama. We had a good talk but I was in no way ready to step back in the field again. Her interest in me did more for my ego and confidence than anything else tho. When I went back to Georgia I seriously got back on my feet. Let my boss know I was back, and started reconnecting with friends. When my future GF moved out to Georgia to get work as a nurse I showed her around and we got together shortly after. (Although she won't admit it I think my sister played cupid, not that I blame her though. ) 

I never knew how good a relationship could beewhen your partner truly loves you. I didn't tell her my rough past first(I did within the yeat, but at first she just knew I had a bad break) so she'd chuckle when I'd be in awe at the little things she would do like buy me lunch on her way home or cook dinner for us two days in a row. 

Fast forward nearly two and a half years to today.

We are still together and have a beautiful 17 month old son. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


Life is good, and I have not have a fit in more than a year, until a few days ago. 

Heres the problem. 

My GF's mother was dying to see her grandchild and we agreed to come to Alabama to visit for several days.

That was the plan at least until I got swamped in work due to one of my coworkers unceremoniously quitting with no warning. I think my boss has been grooming me for a promo and with a family to provide for now, I didn't want him to think I was unreliable, especially after he put up with all my crap years ago. 

So she and my son left on Friday and returned on tuesday. Problem is on Monday someone knocked on my door while I was nursing a beer and doing some work, my ex fiance.

I froze emotionally, I couldn't think, I could barely breath. She asked to come in and I actually let her in the home of my family, but I didn't do anything. She said the place looked much better and was acting like nothing was different between us. This went on for a few minutes before she left and said she'd be around. I couldn't believe it happened. I had a fit at the time for the first time in more than a year, I know that now.

But I was scared, I should've been able to tell this woman off, but I was panicking.

What is wrong with me?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Kasler said:


> What is wrong with me?



nothing

you're human and the feelings of fear and anxiety came back to flood your brain, you associate your ex with paranoia and the desire to feel wanted at the same time so you froze, much like you did when you accepted her back

you can however take measures to protect yourself. Write a NC letter and inform her you do not want her in your life at all and you are much happier without her in it and you will not allow her near your family or you again. Make sure you have her blocked from facebook and email and your phone. You tell your GF what happened and you get her support to keep her out of your life.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Trouble came knocking and you opened the door. Tell your GF what happened.

Get a damn peep hole in the door.


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

You reacted normally. But now that she has told you she will be around, you better watch out for her. You got your family now so don't play into your exes games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Incredible story Kasler, glad you got your life back together. Regarding your ex, there's nothing wrong with you. I'm actually dealing with the same nonsense right now. My best advice to be as forthright with her as possible. Make it clear that she is to never contact you let alone step foot in your house again. 

It might be good to tell your fiancé about her so if your ex starts to act crazy, she'll know why.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had to read your story over a period of time as it was so painful to read.

So glad you have done so well.

If the ex keeps this up, get lawyered up and get her dealt with, legally.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Its understandably you froze.All the s...t that must have surfaced in a nano second..What´s scary,is that she showed up like that.WTF?

BTW remind me not to piss your sister of.got little bit scared my self.How she handled your ex..

What a great sister you have. Talk about having your back:smthumbup:


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I agree with Complexity, you should tell your fiancée about your ex coming to the house.
There's nothing wrong with you, but don't give in to her manipulation. If she tries to contact you again, tell her to f*ck off and go dig for gold elsewhere.

I am really sorry you had to go through this, but I'm sure it will make you appreciate what you're having now on a greater level. The stuff she stole from you means f*ckole, if anything it states her price.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Thanks guys, I see how that triggered me so badly now. Ever since I had my son, the thought of her never once passed my mind for more than half a second and only rarely. And now to just pop up out of nowhere nearly three years later. She looked exactly the same as she did in the past. 

Oh yeah, my GF isn't my fiancee yet. I want to change that, but I've still been having some issues coming to make that commitment. Shes been completely understandable, but its not fair to her. 

I feel horrible that I let my ex into our home. 

I'm gonna tell my GF what happened after she gets off her shift tonight.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Thats a good plan. Youre stronger than ever before. Keep going strong, stay dedicated. Stick around here and read some threads and update us as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

She may be frightened and threatened by the idea of her coming to your life, but please do be patient and she will finally understand.

I think you should go on a vacation with your girlfriend and your son as soon as your work allows it.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Not only a wh0re but a thief. She souns like PD.
Next time tell her to f0ck herself and leave you alone.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

So I told my GF when she got back. She was really pissed, but not at me at my ex fiance. Shes knows theres no chance of me getting with her, in the beginning of our relationship I was still having triggering occasionally so she knows just how much poison she is. 

Shes just worried about me doing it again with her or our son in the house. 

I don't have her phone number anymore, after she left I pretty much destroyed every trace of her in my life and changed email accounts. I forgot what hers used to be so no idea how to get a NC and stay away letter to her. 

She also told me that I still have a lot of baggage if the sight of her completely paralyzed me like it did so we are considering me going to IC. 

After that we just cozy'd up with our son and she went to bed an hour ago. 

I'm just so glad she understands where I am right now, I'd hate for her to even think I'd ever go back to vile bi!ch. 

I want to handle this without them ever meeting tho. She shouldn't have to deal with her too.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I hear shouting and then 20 seconds later my sister was dragging her out by her hair and she was more pissed off than I ever seen her before


Epic!


Why did she come back ?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think about this: maybe freezing up was the best thing you could have done in the situation. If you treated the ex like she deserves you'd be in jail now. The way you reacted was your body stopping you from doing what it wanted to, but knew would cost and your family dearly.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kasler

Can I make one suggestion:

Call the police station and ask the desk sergeant how long do you have when a theft is committed to file a police report.

If they say something like a few months then do nothing. If they say like 2 years then file a theft report of the personal items that your exfiance and "terry" stole.

You need to show that [email protected] consequences. Even if it is after the fact. Stop being a pushover. if she shows up again tell her she is not welcome and if she tries to enter your home you will call the police.

You my man have a family now. You need to protect them and your home. Show your GF that level of respect and protect her and your son.

She expects you to do that.

If I had an ex that stole from me her and terry would have gone to jail.

Do the right thing Kasler, stand up for yourself.

By the way, your sister kicks ass. You owe her big time pal.

HM64


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Nothing is wrong with you Kasler.
Everything is wrong with that manipulative woman.
I agree with everything AR said.Write her a NC letter and maybe you could ask your sister who dragged her out by her hair to deliver it to her.
Thank God you have recovered and found a good woman who loves you for you.
Some guys never recover.
Just imagine if you went on with that wedding and married her?
Good that your family [ sister!] fully support you.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Epic!
> 
> 
> Why did she come back ?


I honestly don't know. Thats the most screwed up part. 




Shaggy said:


> Think about this: maybe freezing up was the best thing you could have done in the situation. If you treated the ex like she deserves you'd be in jail now. The way you reacted was your body stopping you from doing what it wanted to, but knew would cost and your family dearly.


I never really thought about it that way before, that adds some perspective, it truly does. 

@ HM64 

I'm definitely not, its completely unacceptable. I do know in Georgia for theft the statute is 2 years, 4 for special cases but I don't care about all that stuff honestly. Just material objects ya know? What was taken was replaced, and she could've only gotten around 3-4k ballparked depending on how she went about selling it. I've moved on with my life and next time she comes anywhere near me she'll know that. 


Thanks a lot for the words everyone, my life is on track and I want to keep it that way. I love my sister, shes always looked out for me eventhough we have different fathers, and we've been just as close if not more than regular siblings.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sounds like your ex-fiance traumatized you with her earlier behavior. Seeing her again was a trigger for the trauma. People with PTSD have triggers that can cause panic attacks & these can have very physical symptoms (freezing in place, hyperventilation, heart palpitations, etc.). I think your reaction was normal for the trauma that you experienced. Understanding the trauma and how you respond to it can itself help you get past it.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Another encounter

So I found out what she meant by 'she'd be around.'

I've been going to the same church, I can't believe she'd show up there while I'm with my family. My GF was so pissed and it really put a pall on our weekend. 

I myself was furious. I'm glad I was. I felt a bit anxious at first, but then my rage swam to the surface and I didn't freeze at all. I'm not the most religious man alive, but she knew I'd never do anything rash in public, a church no less. 

I wouldn't tolerate my GF having to be put in that situation so we left early. I sent them to the car, went outside, and she came out after me. I tell her to go away and stop following me.

She says shes sorry about the way things ended (Yeah right) and that maybe we could reconcile in the future(The Fk? Did she just not see my GF and son?)

I was incredulous at this, and then she tells me that before I dumped her(I dumper her? really) she got pregnant by me. 

She tells me she miscarried and was miserable for more than a year. That she left OM and moved back in with her parents. 

Shes telling me how the only time she really was happy was when she was with me and that she knows shes being selfish but she wants me to take her back, after 3 fking years. 

I couldn't believe it, I also couldn't believe I sat there and listened to that pity party. 

I tell her what we had is dead, never coming back and that I already have the woman I truly love and have started a family with. I wasn't going to say "shes so much better than you" but was about to say more and then starts crying and causing a damn scene so I just got the hell out of there. 

This time my GF was pissed at me, mostly because I don't want her to confront her. 


I think I'm gonna need a restraining order. I cannot have this woman near my family.

There has to be a quick way to cut this off. Ideas?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You and your gf can be a united front against the ex. Stay together during the confrontation & let your gf support you as you stand together as a couple. This way the ex can't feel that it will be that easy to divide and conquer.

Find out about a restraining order.

And set the date for the wedding.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Get a VAR, and keep it with you at all times, so if she does invade your space again, anything said by either of you is on tape, specially if she decides she is getting no-where, and wants to cause you problems-------she is probably gonna stalk you some more---so have some idea about what you intend to do

Main thing is, if she comes anywhere near you from now on---ignore her, and never let yourself be caught with her alone.


----------



## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

Happyman has given you good advice.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> There has to be a quick way to cut this off. Ideas?


Find out where your ex lives and send your sister over to offer her a deal she can’t refuse.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Send your ex a no contact letter by registered mail. If she contacts you after that get a restraining order from the police.

OM dumped her and now she's back for you. Of course she was happy with you. You provided a place to stay and paid bills while she fncked Terry. Sorry, I'm a religious guy but this woman is seriously pissing me off and I don't even know her. She knows the effect she has on you and is trying to play that against you. Do not let her win. Work within the system to keep her away and your family safe.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice. 

@Sandc- Theres absolutely ZERO chance of me ever being together with that woman, thats a fact.

I've decided I'm gonna finish this today. 

I know I can send a NC letter since I know where she lives now, I also now I can get a restraining order, but I know she won't abide by either one. Shes always been pretty high strung, but I've NEVER seen her half as manic as she is now. 

She'll go back on either one of them and then I'll have more drama for my me and GF to deal with and shes already told me how much this situation is frustrating her. She wanted to and still wants to confront, but I'm not budging on this. I don't want her coming anywhere near my family under any circumstance. 

Hm64, I've already notified the local police about the situation so if this doesn't work than I'm going the whole 9 yards in that direction

I can't have this anymore, its my fault this is happening for letting it come to this so I'm gonna confront her at her home where she can't run from me. 

The only way to get through to her in the past has been to hammer it into her repeatedly. 

Keeping a VAR with me as well. 

I'm going to try to go in emotionless, she isn't responding to my rage. Just be upfront and matter of fact about about it while being firm all the time. 

Going there in about two hours, wish me luck.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Kasler said:


> Another encounter
> 
> So I found out what she meant by 'she'd be around.'
> 
> ...


Bloody hell Kasler, are we clones from an alternate reality? My ex has been saying the _exact_ same thing. I haven't seen her for 2 1/2 years and I got the same huff and puff about only being happy when I'm with you, wishes she could take everything back, certain I'll come around.

Give me a freakin' break! 
Stay strong brother, you have a good thing going with your girlfriend.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Another encounter
> 
> So I found out what she meant by 'she'd be around.'
> 
> ...



Simple.
I have found two words that work like magic in situations like this when these type of women tried to screw me over and then when things don't go their way,they come back begging.

These two words are :

*FCUK YOU.*

Delivery is important . When saying it you MUST look emotionless in her eyes and don't flinch, nor say anything else.
If she attempts to even touch you, don't let her touch you.

Her next move will be to offer you sex. 
Do not even listen to her.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good Luck Kasler.

Test the VAR before you go.

Let your GF know where you are going or at least leave her a note.

Good move with the police.

HM64


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make a point of reassuring and taking care of your gf through all of this. Remind her that she is your family and you are not going to let this evil ex mess up your family.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I got to the conclusion yesterday, it was something to say the least. Kinda been avoiding updating cause was still sorting this through my head. 

Here it is.

I told my GF where I was going, and this time she really understood what I'm going for by handling this myself. Really early boost, and after spending time with my family I had the perfect state of mind. 

I got her parent's home phone number in a phonebook lying around. Called it up and her mother answered. I asked her to put it on the phone and when she finally got on I told her I was 15 minutes away and we needed to have a talk about me and the two of us. She says ok so I hang up without saying anything or saying bye. 

About 15-20 mins pass and I get there. Make sure my Var is in my side pocked before I go to the front door. After knocking a bit she greeted me with a smile and I stepped in. 

We go to the living room and from the scene in there, I knew exactly what was gonna happen after that. 

From what I inferred, with the way she was dressed and styled up and was beaming at me while holding her mother's hand, I can tell she fully expected me to say I loved her and take her back or something. 

How her deluded mind came to this conclusion I have no idea, and I honestly didn't care, I knew what I needed to say since I woke up that morning. 

So with her parents sitting there, I told her yes we were very close to being married, and several years ago I did love her and that we did have something good but she completely ruined and caused us to break. I told her in no uncertain terms that we're truly finished, that there is no chance of me ever taking her back at all. Her smile was gone near instantly and she starts getting a bit teary about always considering herself my wife and and truly sorry, and I cut her off there. 

I say "At this point, I didn't believe one word of that, and even if I did, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't love you anymore and still have not forgiven the way you sorely disrespected and abused my trust."

"After our break I moved on with my life, and I suggest you do as well. I've already met another woman I intend to marry some day and we've already begun to create a family, but even if I was single, I still wouldn't take you back under any circumstance"

And thats when she starts wailing, loud, very very loud and long. I thought about raising up and just walking out but something in me was saying "Weather the storm and make sure she gets it cause I'm not going through this sh!t again" 

So after all this and her screams and cries start to die off a bit, her father whose been sitting there like a statue(previously sneering when I came in, scowling after I spoke) this whole time gets the idea to tear into me. This old guy starts shouting about how because I proposed I should've have just married their girl problems and all and worked through it. That I was a coward for running away. He tells me that because of the whole affair and split three years ago most of her friends abandoned her and shes been having emotional problems, and that if I was a real man I would've stuck it out or at least be taking her back now to own up to *my* mistakes.

My mistakes? Thats when I got pissed. I've never liked him, very judgmental and close minded and greedy as hell. So I tell him maybe if he taught his daughter how to be a responsible adult she wouldn't have ruined her life and that any blame for that lies at her feet. 

I noticed she quieted down between all the shouting so I look at her in the eye and tell her "Remember what I said because I mean it with every fiber in my being, we are done, never come near me again, for any reason"

That kinda hit her differently because then she starts looking down at her lap saying she'd hurt herself or maybe kill herself if I hated her and wouldn't give her chance at a happy life with me.

I then say "I don't hate you, I really don't, but I don't care about you in the slightest. Saying that isn't gonna change my mind either, if you want to hurt yourself, do whatever but know that we're done." 

Thats when I walk out and drive off. 

I was still angry and on edge while driving so I pulled into a walmart and got some ice teas and stuff for the house. It felt so surreal, after all that I'm in a walmart doing small groceries. 

I get back home, put the stuff on the counter and tell my GF about everything. I was in small funk about what I said at the end about her being free to hurt herself in retrospect. I really don't care for her, but I wouldn't want her in a hospital or anything. But she told me not to worry because that woman isn't our problem, that her parent's will have to handle that. 

I agree.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I get back home, put the stuff on the counter and tell my GF about everything. I was in small funk about what I said at the end about her being free to hurt herself in retrospect. I really don't care for her, but I wouldn't want her in a hospital or anything.* But she told me not to worry because that woman isn't our problem, that her parent's will have to handle that.
> 
> I agree.*


:iagree:

Please LISTEN to your present girlfriend,
She is a wise woman.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Kasler said:


> So after all this and her screams and cries start to die off a bit, her father whose been sitting there like a statue(previously sneering when I came in, scowling after I spoke) this whole time gets the idea to tear into me. This old guy starts shouting about how because I proposed I should've have just married their girl problems and all and worked through it. That I was a coward for running away. He tells me that because of the whole affair and split three years ago most of her friends abandoned her and shes been having emotional problems, and that if I was a real man I would've stuck it out or at least be taking her back now to own up to *my* mistakes.


He's spoiled and indulged his daughter her whole life. She's his princess. I would expect no less of him.



Kasler said:


> That kinda hit her differently because then she starts looking down at her lap saying she'd hurt herself or maybe kill herself if I hated her and wouldn't give her chance at a happy life with me.
> .
> .
> .
> ...


This is classic manipulation on her part. Don't worry, she won't hurt herself. She's just mad that "plan b" (that would be you) just vanished. 

Focus on your GF. Make her an honest woman and enjoy your family for the rest of her life.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kasler said:


> I also know I can get a restraining order, but I know she won't abide by either one.


That's the beauty of a restraining order - it takes control of her out of YOUR hands and into the hands of the police officers who will ARREST her if he ignores it. 

Do it today.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kasler, you're a good writer. You should write some fiction on the side or something.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

@ Carib yeah I know, she usually is right. 

@ Sand, I just can't figure how she could see me as a plan B after so long. I moved on, started a family, more than 3 years passed and she expected to just waltz back into my life? I don't get it and I don't think I'd ever want to understand that kind of fogged thinking.

@ Tun Yeah the police know the situation already. I just want to end this chapter of my life with as little drama as possible. Just a small bump. I feel good about this, but if she comes around I won't hesitate to get a RO. It feels like a weight has been lifted and I can enjoy what I have even more than before. 

One of my hobbies is reading. My literature habit is pretty diverse as I can read LOTR or The Wealth of Nations with similar interest. 

All the reading probably just comes out a little bit when I wrote what happened, but thanks!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cool. Have you read Johnson's A History of Christianity? More of a history book, and I love that, but I learned more about Christianity and how it formed than in all my years of going to church.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ I've actually read that book, but I was somewhat disappointed in the lack of attention the author gave to Eastern and middle eastern Christianity. 

Just focused on Western.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, the author was Catholic.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

That sounds like a good read.

Way to go Kasler. You did very well.

And based on general consensus, listen to your GF.

She s right.

Go have a great life with your family buddy.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> Cool. *Have you read Johnson's A History of Christianity? More of a history book, and I love that, but I learned more about Christianity and how it formed than in all my years of going to church.*


^^^^^^^^^^^
A good book to read.
Also the BBC documentary on it.

If you want to understand the history fully,the works of Titus Flavius Josephus is also a good read.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> That sounds like a good read.


My favorite part was learning how the Bible got created, all the arguing over all the 200-hundred-year-old 'claims' of legitimate words from Jesus and the others that people wanted to be placed in the Bible and how they had to try to figure out which ones were real and which were fake, all the bickering and political posturing to create a 'capital' of Christianity, and who got to claim which apostle as their 'own,' just madness. Makes me doubt the Bible even more than I already did.

Sorry for the T/J!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

in all honesty getting a RO right now probably won't work, now that you have your evidence of telling her that you want no further contact and if she persists you would have a case. Obviously a lawyer consultation would be best


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I disagree with this notion his father believes she's his little princess who can't do wrong. I think he knows very well she's damaged and dangerous and unlikely to have a real good life. I do believe he's sick of her and wanted you to get back her so he finnaly get rid of "the problematic daugther", he wants her not to be his problem anymore hence you had to stick with "her problems". The man had to endure her living with them for nearly 3 years, what a hell. He wants her out! You were the perfect solution, likely he wanted to believe her delusions of fixing it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who cares? Not Kasler's problem any more.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I disagree with this notion his father believes she's his little princess who can't do wrong. I think he knows very well she's damaged and dangerous and unlikely to have a real good life. I do believe he's sick of her and wanted you to get back her so he finnaly get rid of "the problematic daugther", he wants her not to be his problem anymore hence you had to stick with "her problems". The man had to endure her living with them for nearly 3 years, what a hell. He wants her out! You were the perfect solution, likely he wanted to believe her delusions of fixing it.



Good thing he didn't get her pregnant.
Daddy would have ordered a " shotgun wedding."


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

So next update

Things have been going very well with me and my GF and we have been doing our thing since. 

I've been thinking long and hard about proposing to her in the last few days, but I'll post about that some other time. 

A few hours ago, my ex-fiances mother called me. I know I should just cut off connection with all of them, but her mother isn't a bad person. 

She was nowhere near a support base after my emotionally crippling DDay, but she would call to check up on me and ex fiance everynow and then, and talked to me for a bit afterwards.

She understands the current situation, just that shes far too timid and non confrontational to ever say so to anyone other than me in private. 

So during the call and she was asking me if things were truly done between her and her daughter, I did an about face. At first I was kinda pissed thinking "Do these people think I'm desperate or something? That'd I'd actually take back their fked up daughter?"

But I cooled it down and asked why shes saying this. 

She tells me that its because shes worried for her daughter and started crying.

She then told me that my ex swallowed a lot of pills and is in the hospital on suicide watch.

The suicide watch comment kinda stuck out so I asked her when all this happened and she said it happened yesterday, but she didn't want to call me in front of her husband so she waited till today. 

I asked for more details before I stopped myself and she said her husband was going to use the bathroom and found it locked. After he pushed the door off the hinges did they find her in the tub with an empty pill bottle.


I was a mix of emptions, but I still told her I understood why she would call me in this situation(has no one to talk to really) but that she shouldn't call me about her daughter anymore. 

She sounded really sad at that and I admit I felt kinda bad, mostly since shes gonna be dealing with that kind of mess and all she can talk to is her ass hole husband. 

Said byes and hung up, but I don't know man I couldn't stop thinking about it for awhile. 

Like when she said she'd hurt herself I'd never seen her so desolate before. I've seen anger, fury, and sadness, but that was the first time she was like that, in front of me anyways. 

Its not my problem, I know that but I was having a bad feeling ever since I walked out of her parent's house that day but I kept telling myself she was just trying to manipulate me and to ignore it. 

Now tho, I feel like I could've prevented it if I said something instead of just walking off. 

I haven't told my GF yet since she just got off work at the time and I didn't want to upset her.

I really don't know what to do right now. I sure as hell don't want to visit her, but I also don't think it's right to leave her mother like that, after some of the small kindnesses she showed me. Never


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Dude she's not your problem any more. You are not the white ( no pun intended) knight riding to her rescue. This is more manipulation. She needs professional help. If you are not a mental health professional then you cannot help her. Hopefully the hospital will get her the help she needs.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sit back calmly, take a deep breath, and ask yourself where you want to be in five years. If you want to be in a healthy, stable, strong place with your gf and child (maybe by then, children), then let the ex go. Put the finishing touches on all the hard work you've done to rebuild your life after she eviscerated you. Take the final step of finally saying goodbye to her in your head and heart. Her life is now completely for her to live.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Part of being a man is knowing when to quit.
You cannot fix what cannot be fixed.
Its no longer your problem.

These people will wear you down and jeopardize your new life.
She is an emotional black hole and you are venturing way to close to the
" event horizon" or the point of no return.

Your present girlfriend has supported you through your darkest period,
She deserves ALL YOUR LOVE AND ATTENTION.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kasler

Your exGF/fiancée made a choice to cheat on you.

She made that choice to leave you and not return.

You made the choice to move on with your life, start a new relationship with a terrific woman who has her head on straight and start a family.

You made the better choices. Stick to that decision and continue to move forward.

Your exGF is sick. She is still making those bad choices.

Only her Mom and Dad can help her now.

Respect your GF (mother of your child), respect your relationship but most importantly respect yourself.

Do not bring any "bad" into your life now that you have it so good.

Because if you do I am going to call your sister to come up and visit you just to kick your ass and knock some sense into you!!!

HM64


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Kasler

*Less than 72 hours ago my son’s ex girl friend Déjà killed herself.* 

She did my son pretty much the same way that your ex did you.
Later whenever her life would get out of control she would come crying with a real life sob story that was real. She was always getting herself in crises. My son tried to be the knight in shinning armor but that was impossible. After a few years he had some crises and they parted ways. He also almost went down during that time. He is lucky to be alive.

Deja would bring over her daughter Rachel for trick or treat on Halloween and call very now and then. I would meet her in town sometimes and have a litle chat with her. She was a very troubled girl but I still had a soft spot for her. She did have some good points.

Here is the bottom line:

I don’t believe that anybody is completely worthless and every one has some value and some good points. At least the people that I have met fit that statement. A person that has made decisions for years that leads to a state of suicide is way too much for any normal person. In fact some people are beyond any human help and only God can save them. Sometimes they take things into their own hands and kill themselves.

I do think that if I could have gotten to her before she killed herself that I may have been able to delay the suicide for the moment. Maybe that is just wishful thinking. I do not think that I could keep her from her self willed decsions for more than a day or two if that.

It is a cold fact that in some situations it is either you or them. In other words *if you try to stay with a very troubled person and be the hero you will go down with them.* That is what my son learned and I hope you can learn also.

It is very disheartening that a young woman took her life at age 28 but I am not God and neither are you. You have a choice. You can save yourself but you cannot save someone else. God gave everyone free will and you cannot take that away.

You can read more about Deja in my thread on this forum


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're right, sh!t you're all right and I'm really sorry to hear that Mr. Blunt. Thats messed up in so many ways. 

If I keep this thread to her life alive my GF is gonna have enough of it one day and I can't bear the thought of that.

I don't know why I'm being so stupid, but its all right here and my family is all that matters.

I finally moved on my life, I refuse to go back. 

I'm gonna call her mother and tell her I can't have her or her daughter anywhere near my life anymore, and then I'm gonna delete her number. 

I'm done with all of them forever.

Also I think I still have a few problems with commitment, but I know that I want to propose to my GF.

Is it too early to go ring hunting, or should I get some therapy first?


----------



## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I've been planning to post my story since last week, however something happened a few days ago that completely caught me off guard. I'll start with my story first before I get into the problem. I apologize for errors in advance.
> 
> BEWARE SUPER LONG
> 
> ...


Seems like deep down you wanted her to see you doing so well w/o her. You probably also wanted to see how bad her life was. Seems normal to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Hmm, I considered that, but I wouldn't say so. I mean seriously had not thought about her in more than a year when she tried to come back into my life. 

I say tried cause she failed and I know that.

Her and her family have absolutely nothing to do with me anymore and feels good to say so.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Kasler said:


> So I told my GF when she got back. She was really pissed, but not at me at my ex fiance. Shes knows theres no chance of me getting with her, in the beginning of our relationship I was still having triggering occasionally so she knows just how much poison she is.
> 
> Shes just worried about me doing it again with her or our son in the house.
> 
> ...


Your story is both heart-breaking and triumphant. I'm proud of you, man. I'm also proud that you play Dark Souls. Prepare to die. 

I'm glad your gf understands your situation. But yeah, I must reiterate what others have said- don't let that skank into your home again. You can't afford to pity her even for a second. Love your new life, your new woman, and your child. Keep the poison of that ***** away from your family.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Thanks, yeah shes out of my life now completely. All her family as well. 

Fellow Dark Souls player  Don't see too many of those.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Also I think I still have a few problems with commitment, but I know that I want to propose to my GF.


Before you take the next important step with your current GF please make sure you feel totally *INDIFFERENT *about your ex.
While reading your thread I got the feeling that _you're trying to tell yourself_ you got over her 110% but given that she showed up again, this made you _confused_. 

Once she/her mom calls again you better not pick up the phone at all. She's not part of your life now so she can even throw herself out of the window because that's none of your concern. [IFshe's really not your concern anymore, although between the lines of your posts I'm afraid she is a bit.]
Please, don't give her more importance than she deserves. Actually she doesn't deserve your attention at all.

Just ask yourself this question:_ "What/how do I feel when I see/think about my ex?"_
Hate, annoyance, angry, thoughts of how much you loved her but how much she hurt you? 
These feelings are not anywhere close to indifference. It means she still has the ability to affect you. 
Unless you run out of these feelings, think twice about marrying your current GF.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Before you take the next important step with your current GF please make sure you feel totally *INDIFFERENT *about your ex.
> While reading your thread I got the feeling that _you're trying to tell yourself_ you got over her 110% but given that she showed up again, this made you _confused_.
> 
> Once she/her mom calls again you better not pick up the phone at all. She's not part of your life now so she can even throw herself out of the window because that's none of your concern. [IFshe's really not your concern anymore, although between the lines of your posts I'm afraid she is a bit.]
> ...


I wasn't confused when I saw her, not one bit. I had a panic attack when I saw her, but I wasn't confused. 

You're right, she isn't part of my life and I know that and have known every since I disconnected the last vestige back to her.

Trust me on this, I don't gotta tell myself anything, I know I'm done with that woman. :smthumbup: With how much she disrespected and hurt me while and after our relationship, my self respect alone would ensure I never got back with her. My family and love for them being the greater reasons. 

The whole situation was horrible but I think what doesn't kill you makes you stronger applies here. I'm a better me now than I was then cause I respect and love my self completely. I don't need to validate my existence with a woman like I was with my ex when I look back in hindsight. How I was thinking how good a man I must be because I had her. I used to think a lot of things before I became a BS. I used to think how pathetic a man must be if he couldn't satisfy and keep his woman under control. How naive I was. That was one of the biggest reasons I sought no help or support after DDay, was too embarrassed. 

When someone moves on I don't think you get complete indifference. I mean, who the could look back at the years of being treated so poorly and putting up with it and be indifferent? 

I know I can't, most of what I feel is shame at how I was living like that. 

Thats just my opinion as a BS. Sure thinking about terrible people and terrible things like the betrayal and even physical abuse hurts for some people, but I don't think being rueful means any of us haven't moved on completely.


----------



## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Nothing, completely natural response.

However do not let this woman weasel her way back into your good graces.


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I think what your doing is great, although if you don't think that you can tackle the issues that deal with your ex by yourself then you should probably consult a counselor. I also think that you have trouble with asking your new girl friend to marry you is because your afraid that some how you will go through something similar with the new girlfriend. It traumatized you and anything that seems remotely resembles or parallels your past and the present you avoid it to protect yourself.

You probably should talk to someone, but you should also propose to your girlfriend you both sound like you love each other and support each other through rough times, but is also shows her that DESPITE your own fears you trust her and I think she has more than earned it. I think you will in your own time, and you can't help but feel that you still feel responsible for your ex and that is because her family and well as herself is trying to guilt you into feeling that you are responsible... and you are not but you have to dig down deep and believe that for yourself you never did find PEACE with that situation you just moved on and not really deal with it until it came to your door step. Don't let your ex win by possibly sabotaging your current relationship out of fear because if you do she will win... don't let her win. I'm rooting for you and keep doing what your are doing. Just make sure you iron out some of the crinkles with your girl friend. 

 Kris


----------

