# being with a guy who doesnt have plans for his life



## curiousmama (Mar 12, 2011)

Hello folks.

Ive known this guy over 5 years . he is interesting guy and we have many common things . we can make jokes , we can have fun together.

now I start to take this guy serious way as my future. however, I dont see his potential yet. the job he has , the money issues he has and his future makes me worry to be with him. In those way, its hard to see him as a marriage matiral.

if you are in love someone who doesnt have a decent job, or life goal, or plans for himself. would you stick with this guy based on only love?

I am not a material girl. but when you concern of marriage. you have to consider what you future is gonna be with the guy. financially way or making family with him.

what girls consider the most(of c, after the love) when it comes with marriage?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would say it something you really need to think about. I understand you love him, but I think lots of other factors need to play a role in a relationship before taking the big step to marry. 

You can love someone and not be married. However, I completely understand about him needing to at least have a goal in mind and a decent job. I also understand this is not about being materalistic, most people do want some kind of finanical, security and stability in their marriage, most people do not just want to be the one person who does it all and pays it all. 

Have you asked him about the things he is interested in? Has he had jobs and just quits or loses them? If so do you know why? It is something to think about and if you have been with him for 5 years, you should know his track record as far as jobs etc. 

If you don't want to be in a situation or think you could be, where you marry him in hopes things will change, you really need to think about that. You don't want him to fill your head with broken promises of doing this and that, and then you're left to pay for everything. That can be quite the strain this day and time on any marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can only speak for myself here. I married my husband when he worked in a smaller Grocery Store, he had a lowly manager position with no advancement possibility. He went to a Computer school of Business for a time, but it never landed him a decent job, nothing seemed to offer him more than what he made there, so he stayed (at total of 18 yrs infact ).

I was not too worried about his low paying job as I knew he was a careful spender, even a Saver, he was an excellent well respected employee, always ontime, dependable. I believed he would DO well if he found a great place hiring , he & our family would be set. 

We managed to have 3 kids while he worked at that lower paying job, and we did fine, with both of us watching our money, while hoping, praying, planning for something better -- we were on the same page. And that something better did come along. 

After Love, it was similar goals (including financial-how we spend our $$, we are both savers) & emotional compatibity was most important for me. 

Now if he was in big debt, couldn't hold a job, not dependable, I would not have stayed with him. But to ditch a great guy just cause he doesnt have that Great job YET, naaahhh, I couldn't do it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

When you are considering marrying someone, you need to take all things into consideration. Do not marry based on just love alone, or in hopes someone will change. I think thats what might be happening in so many marriages these days. They didn't think lots of things through before taking that big step.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

I guess it depends on what you consider "marriage material". I'm a non materialistic person and, personally, I find men who are into money and things and ego to be a HUGE turn off. I can't even be physically attracted to a man like that, and it's actually a quality that I will break a relationship over. But my kids are teenagers and I've always had my own income, so it's not an issue for me. 

Unless you sense that there is underlying emotional instability or psychiatric problems, debt, or substance abuse, etc., that are keeping this guy from having any focus in life, I don't see why you would question him. Otherwise it sounds like a nice guy. Of course, you wouldn't want to support him for life...a marriage should be an equal partnership. That's for you to decide if his goals in life are consistent with yours.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

If he can't live within his income, however much that is, then well he may never learn how to and that's hell to live with if you like security.

If you read the boards here much. You'll see that even if you say you will have kids, won't have kids, will attend church, won't attend church, will work toward financial goals, will work as missionaries in Africa, will see the in-laws, won't see the in-laws, life has this funny thing of changing things up along the way. Everything is always changing. Do you can ask all the questions and make all the plans you want to, but really can you two roll with the puches that life gives?

My husband had a low paying job when I met him. But no debts. He even bought his cute little Ford Escort with cash. We were 26 and 27. I had finished college and had a management job. When I had to move for my job we got married and he went with me. We got along great and never met an issue we couldn't tackle together. 

It took a couple years to learn to talk to each other to work things out but that's the fun of getting married and sharing a life.

Fast forward 22 years later and the man that never thought about the future makes 3 times what I do and the things I thought might be a problem never panned out. He had a hospital stay when I first met him with a possible serious medical condition that turned out, over the years to be nothing. 

So go with your gut. Does your gut say you can trust and lean on this man for years? Can he trust and lean on you?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Behind every free spirit hippie save the earth I hate Walmart and capitalism I don't know what I want to do with my life maybe I'll get an MFA and write a novel when I grow up at age 30....there's someone behind him or her doing ALL the heavy lifting. You want that job?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Behind every free spirit hippie save the earth I hate Walmart and capitalism I don't know what I want to do with my life maybe I'll get an MFA and write a novel when I grow up at age 30....there's someone behind him or her doing ALL the heavy lifting. You want that job?


Exactly.

I married my husband because I love him. We have a great spark, can have great fun, and it was pounded into my head that love is all that matters. At the time we married I had finished school and was waiting for him to finish school and get a stable job he enjoyed so that I could pursue my career without risking our financial security.

In reality, I have had that same job for too many years while he has lost every job he's had because of "management" not treating him right or "accidents" or "misunderstandings" He outright stopped attending school, while still leaving for class 3 days a week and running up cash on my credit card. 

Through our entire relationship I've had to put myself on the back burner and I've done everything I could for him, to help him, get him started, get him going, support his decision to re-attend college to get him a job he wouldn't find a way to lose because he enjoyed it etc etc etc.

In the end, what was going to become of us was outright poverty, unavoidable debt and bankruptcy and we'd have lost everything I had worked so hard for us to have.

I am not materialistic. I rarely see the point in material things I don't strive to acheive a material standard. But stability, and forward progression ARE important to me. I don't want the nicest cars, but I do want to know my bills will be paid, I do want a dependable car in my driveway, and I don't want a 28yr old teenage son.

It was never about the money, never about the wage he brought in, but take a look at how dependably the guy brings in that wage. Is this someone who has to have someone wake them up for work, can't be responsible enough to go to bed a decent time, cant manage paying bills, or cannot function with any sort of responsibility without someone else doing it for them? If the answer seems like yes, I wouldn't marry them. I wouldn't even move in with and live with the person.

I was soo into the "love is all that matters" and "god will help us" ideas, and what I learned was that help comes to those who are willing, and that you can love does not make a person a dependable responsible companion and partner.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, I know most ladies do not think of themselves as materialistic. But what that really means is they're not expecting a Summer home in the Hamptons.

Most want a safe and pretty home, a nice car, and the ability to shop for clothes, groceries, get their hair done, and have the occasional night out.

All of that requires more cash than most low-paying jobs allow.

Starting out in our 20s, we put up with no cash with the idea that things will progress upwardly. In our 30s and 40s we ramp up financially, build families, a life.

American Dream stuff.

So depending on how old this guy is his ride awaits or it has passed him by.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am going to say it depends on if you should settle or not.

If you are a supermodel, with nice breasts, nice butt, and a killer face, I'd say keep looking.

But if you are no looker yourself, than you should think about settling. I mean, he's nice, he's not a wife beater. . .and if you are no looker. . .are you sure you can do better?

I mean, everyone in Vegas thinks they can do better, right?

I agree with the posters above that these superficial factors account for the decision. Unfortunately, it all depends. 

He may be saying the same thing. . ."curiousmama. . .eh. . .not the most beautiful I have ever dated. . ." He should then be considering he doesn't bring everything to the table either, right?


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## curiousmama (Mar 12, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> I am going to say it depends on if you should settle or not.
> 
> If you are a supermodel, with nice breasts, nice butt, and a killer face, I'd say keep looking.
> 
> ...


interesting theory . 
only pretty girls can be living their life not to worry about financial things after the marriage.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Curiousmama,

No. . .I was trying to provoke you (and the forum) to think about your question from a different angle - the guys.

Guys have superficial desires as much as women, probably on equal level.

Here's the rub for men and women and there seems to be no getting around it. You will see women's TV shows (Desperate Housewives, 30 Something. . .back in the day) tackle this subject your dealing with:

*Do you marry the Nice Guy?*

Or not?

There is usually a character who doesn't marry the nice guy - maybe they married the Jock. They regret it years later. . .but should they regret it? Marrying the jock has advantages perhaps - very competitive, gets the kick-butt job, brings home the most money, maybe screws around a bit, but that can perhaps be forgiven after a little heartache. He usually isn't the best father as he is out working, but you can make up for it by being that much more of a mother.

On the other hand, the nice guy can be truly your companion. He'll be sweet. . .he won't always be the go-getter at work. You'll see his colleagues pounce on him to get that promotion and he'll get oucompeted by the Jock for that. You'll think, "Gee, that bigger house COULD have been mine. . .but now it's Joe and Sally's." . He'll be a good Dad though, playing games with your kids. You at times will almost feel like you married a kid as he takes them in the backyard and plays "Man-hunt" with him. Over time, you'll get frustrated with him, but your Mom will tell you, "Well, he is a Nice Guy. You should be thankful."

Yet. . .Mom will seem so old. . .it's not like she would know what you are living and been there.

So, what's it going to be?

There's no Right or Wrong here.

Guys go through this too. . .Do I marry the Nice Piece of Butt or the Nice Girl?

Are you going to settle? I must admit, it will be like a little mini-drama as I await your decision.

Understand this - there is no right or wrong.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Guys go through this too. . .Do I marry the Nice Piece of Butt or the Nice Girl?
> 
> Are you going to settle? I must admit, it will be like a little mini-drama as I await your decision.
> 
> Understand this - there is no right or wrong.


Here's a radical thought...how 'bout marrying a human being instead of an ornament or a maid? I'm sure men would appreciate the same kind of treatment from women. Everyone's goals change throughout life. When I was 20, I thought I wanted the life in the suburbs. Now, at this age, I can't think of anything more stifling and horrible than that (and I lived it for many years, so I can say that from experience). I now see all that striving for conformity and "the American Dream" of mass consumption as truly depressing and an unsatisfying way to live. Yes, he has to be able to pull his weight in the relationship, but, just because his financial goals might be different from hers doesn't mean he is any less responsible. It might actually mean that he's the one who has more depth in the relationship.


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## DandiKitKat (Feb 3, 2011)

I have struggled with this question recently...

I am in my mid-twenties & have been with my husband for 5 years. He worked a job that just got us by, with a little extra spending cash. He never really showed too much interest in any career. 

About 7 months ago, we both quit our jobs & went travelling. When we came back to settle down, he decided he didn't want a job anymore. He wanted to start a small farm and "rough it" basically. 

It is a very hard question to face - Do I rely on this man to support me and leave him because he won't, or do I do my own thing & support myself & stay with him because I love him truly? 

I decided that I truly love him, we are "soul-mates" and I would never be this happy or comfortable with somebody else, regardless of how much money he makes. I realized that we are of the 'alaternative' crowd and he is choosing an alternative means of living. 

He has said to me many times "I give you a roof over your head & food on the table, isn't that enough?" And you know, it really is. It's not 1900 anymore, we are strong women & can support ourselves. So I started my own portion of the farm & am doing the best I can to make things work for us. 

HOWEVER, if you really _need_ that financial security like a lot of women feel that they do, and you think that you will lose interest in this man eventually because he isn't performing the way you want, then don't do it. But if you've got the rosie the riviter spark to you, then yes, go for it, if you know you will be happy if you can deal with the financial thing.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

You know, I don't think this is about the "nice guy" vs. the "jock" I don't think it has to do with being materialistic and being able to go on shopping sprees, (groceries and necessities are not materialistic) I certainly don't think its about the amount of income either.

What I think this really should boil down to is if the man is wiling to fully do his part in working with you to sustain and maintain your life together with him. Is that what he wants, or like what I experienced is it "well if we get in too bad of shape we can just move back in with mom and dad" And thats not to insult anyone who has had to be in that position. But the want to have the life with his wife and the drive to keep that is what makes it different. My husband liked the idea, but it was not worth it to work to keep what we had. 

So while the man in question may not have big life goals, if he sincerely wants the life with a "wife" and is willing to work for it that holds your answer. decide what you actually value and want from life, and see if despite him maybe not being that CEO is kosher to that and what you're willing to give up to have the love you two share.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Behind every free spirit hippie save the earth I hate Walmart and capitalism I don't know what I want to do with my life maybe I'll get an MFA and write a novel when I grow up at age 30....there's someone behind him or her doing ALL the heavy lifting. You want that job?



LOL could not have said it better self.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I oversimplified it. . .the jock vs. the nice guy (like jocks can't be nice or nice guys can't have good jobs).

But what I was saying is it sounds like a small part of you is pining for a "Go-getter." (thus the "jock" analogy - a competitive guy).

The "Go-getter" has a price and so does the "Nice Guy." You'll feel more secure with the go-getter but more emotionally fulfilled with the "Nice guy."

(and believe me, I am not one to beat the Nice Guy/Manning Up debate - it's been beaten to death here).

I am more of a go-getter admittedly lately. . .I dunno. . .just seemed to come on to me and lessons learned I guess. Not that the two are mutually exclusive but I admit I am less "nice" than I used to be. It's very hard for a guy to just turn it on and off for the woman. . .go out the door, be a Ruthless Go-getter and cheat at work and do what needs to be done, be Machivellean.

But then come in and be the Nice Guy. When you are a "nice guy", it tends to just run through you, thru all veins of your life.

I think the key here is to be really, REALLY honest with yourself. If you see something now that you find unattractive, that will bug you eternally, it won't get better. I would just save EVERYONE a lot of heartache and go find the go-getter.

Personally, I think. . .for you to post this. . .it may mean you really kind of want that. Your instincts are kicking in and telling you something about him won't make you happy and may be a deal breaker.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Well, I oversimplified it. . .the jock vs. the nice guy (like jocks can't be nice or nice guys can't have good jobs).
> 
> But what I was saying is it sounds like a small part of you is pining for a "Go-getter." (thus the "jock" analogy - a competitive guy).
> 
> ...


A post I actually agree with and am not slightly insulted by from you. Makes your previous posts make more sense too.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

curiousmama said:


> Hello folks.
> 
> Ive known this guy over 5 years . he is interesting guy and we have many common things . we can make jokes , we can have fun together.
> 
> ...


If in doubt don't marry him. Keep looking until you find a 'well-rounded guy'. My H is an ambitious man. I have to have a guy who has purpose, and direction in his life. He knows who he is and what he wants. My man has to have vision. I can't be with a slacker.

For me it's about a confident man who knows where he's going in life. It can't all be work, and no play. That is why I say find a well-rounded man.


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