# Lying, cowardly WH requests advice



## justflushed30 (Jun 26, 2013)

This is my first post to any forum, so please excuse all errors in protocol, abbreviations, and the occasional use of some 4-letter words. I am in need of sound advice. Our marriage is in shambles - it is all my fault, not hers. What could possibly help me to help her work through the hurt I've caused? My BS discovered your site and I believe she is finding answers to questions that I have a hard time answering, and I’ve learned from your site the differing perspectives…so here goes: Career military, 19 moves in 32 years, 3 combat tours, retired, now working in the private sector. Married to a kind, warm, genuine, and in my opinion, beautiful woman for 30years. Prior to marriage, we lived together for 14 months. We have a “yours, mine and ours” family of adults who have never lived together or grew up around each other (a longer story), and they're seven years apart in age (now 28, 35, 42). 
We really had a hard start right from the gate: she had an eleven-year-old daughter, and exactly two days after we were married, I took custody of my four-year-old daughter. Along with that, we had considerable interference from my Mother and major interference from EW and EMIL.
I began my sexual escapades at age 10. I had found some sex pictures while walking to school through a vacant lot. They were Polaroid’s and in a plastic bag. I figured some kid found them while sneaking around his parents room, and lost them while enroute to school. I referred to those pictures many times over the years, progressing to Playboy and then hardcore magazines. Prior to the internet, taped pornographic movies and magazines were the media of the era. I usually kept a small supply of magazines around. My BS and I didn’t communicate our needs very well (at all) during that time. We also had a very stressful marriage back then. We went directly into a blended family, and were never without parental intervention. I used the porn and masturbation as an escape and for relaxation. 
Eleven years ago, I accidentally left my email open, and of course, my BS curiously opened it only to discover that I was cheating with two women. I had two EA’s via internet for a period of six years, off and on. Those started with an acquaintance (#6) whom I worked with. One woman turned out to psycho - imagining and confusing reality with her ultra-****ty sex fantasy world. My satisfaction came from reading her letters and masturbating while reading them. The second EA proved to be very possessive, clingy, and expressed that in her emails. She (#7) eventually started to send a few pictures of males and females she copied from the internet. Then she described us as (in her mind) having already “done it with me while she masturbated.” Both women had vivid sexual fantasies. There was nothing physical between either of them, but, I admitted to 4-5 phone sex calls over those six years. I confessed to the two on-line affairs, and that each were only EA, no PA whatsoever. She asked me if that was the only time I had cheated, and I said, yes. My wife believes I screwed them both and that since I am a liar, why should she believe me? She asked me over and over, and I repeatedly over and over, denied there was anything else to admit. We worked through it over a period of two years and returned to near soul-mate status. 
Eleven years have passed. My BS could not let go of some “red flags” from years prior to all of this. It seemed to possess her daily thoughts. About a year ago, I began the re-use of porn, received a text from a female colleague, BS’s investigative assertions, and finally the threat of a forced polygraph exam, I admitted all my indiscretions, the truth of which she can no longer determine or believe. I confessed to these multiple A’s because after the past ten years of her constant questions and accusations, I came clean to all the rest. There are three more:
#1: (30 years ago) A neighbor who lived down the street, a neighbor who had a penchant for providing men oral satisfaction, came by our house and did just that. Wrong? yes, cheating? of course. That wasn’t the first time the neighbor had performed on me (prior to my meeting my wife). However, I was wrong - I broke our vows. There was guilt and the “oh ****, what the f*ck have I done, sick to my stomach, somebody must be watching and will report me” feelings. (#2): Then, I gave a stripper a motorcycle ride home, (#3) twice. I was with a friend who took the other one home (one was moving in with the other and the other’s manfriend). The manfriend was home. There was no promise of sex in return. My friend jokingly said, “Hell, maybe we’ll get a bj out of it.” We took the girls home and that was it, both times. I’ve never been back to that bar. 
My wife is convinced there was more to these bike rides home, but there wasn’t. She’s a hot blonde with the aura that with one kiss, you’re under her spell. I can’t describe the feeling I get when around her. She has that effect on men. So, selfishly, I didn’t want to lose her, bottom line, I love her. I truly knew she’d be pissed off if she saw me or heard about if from somebody else. No, I didn’t say a word; it was a ride home to the city, in traffic, in the daylight. (I know now that this is cheating). Years go by and I buried the encounters (A’s) with these women, choosing to take the chicken-**** way out, avoiding a major blowout by keeping the affairs a secret. I chose to do what I did, not because of my wife’s inadequacies - there are no issues in that area. In fact, that was a major error; I didn’t discuss it with her when I should have, and I could have helped her to understand that I needed more of this or that, sexually. She sincerely tried to talk with me several times and I heard her, but I continued the porn and masturbation. Porn was readily available, quick, and relatively satisfying. Our sex life was never inadequate. I love my wife and part of my expectations are to be able to hold her, feel her, talk with her, show her, and let her know that she is everything I always wanted and needed. Of course, at the same time, I was a “piece of sh*t husband” and a “pretty worthless father.” I’ve faced the music, my kids have confirmed that I’m pretty much a miserable piece of sh*t, understandably. They know I love their Mother, but it will take time, and whater happens in the future is between us. I was an a$$hole to my family, a real prick. Never physically abusive, just “treated them like soldiers.” You may know the kind, a big a**hole.
Here’s where I get lost: Porn, masturbation and sex with my wife didn’t bring her pleasure. I felt inadequate, and she felt used. I treated her with disrespect. I showed my ass at every turn, but took my guilt or whatever it was, out on her. Is it common to actually punish your spouse and family (while at the same time) wanting to love them, provide for their needs, and sacrificing for them? Maybe I compartmentalized my family life in my head like I did the A’s? 
I needed to travel back home to see an ill friend with cancer. On the second night of my trip, I ran into my (#4) ex-high school sweetheart while driving home. This was not planned, no phone calls (or cell phones) or anything. We pulled up at the stop light together. While she and I were watching traffic, I looked over and saw her looking at me. I knew it was her, and she me. This encounter ended with us in the back of her van for sex, which coincidentally, I had never fully consummated an 18 month boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with her. Someone else beat me to it. Yes, I was pathetic. This was the act of closure I suppose. I continued looking at occasional porn magazines, and masturbating to supplement my needs. These acts never caused me to be hateful toward my wife, but I did hide the magazines of course, and had to sneak around to do myself. Two years later, I met a person (#5) at the workplace. Over the course of 15-16 months, through her flirting and teasing, (I played along, she pursued, but I didn’t stop it) ended up masturbating in front of her. We had talked about not “screwing, just masturbating” as she liked to watch while doing the same. She was divorced, watched porn, but “wanted to see the real thing in person.” I ended up going over to her house twice one year and twice the following year. She was in and out of town for months at a time. 
20 years later, and now five months ago (Feb 13) when I first confessed, when my BS and I time lined the events out, it was clear that 'she' and I, according to BS, “got together to have a ‘good old time’ every time she was in town.” That’s what it looks like. It is very hard to try and recollect even roughly, time lines from 20 years ago, but it can be done. We had no pre-set plans to get together, as I deployed several times during this time period. 
The second time I had sex with her; we touched each other, and ended up both masturbating. Our deal was only masturbating, no kissing, hugging, or oral sex. We did very little masturbating of each other. She wanted no relationship. She knew I was married and would only play around a little bit, and she agreed. I felt guilty for being over there in the first place, but still drawn to the interaction knowing there would be no associated drama, just sex. 
The very last time I was over at her house, ended poorly for me. She had been nude sunbathing in the backyard when I arrived. I guess I was caught up and while masturbating myself, she produced a condom, laid down and asked me "do her." I took the condom out and she said something like, “I hope it fits, my ex-husband has a big d*ck.” Well, little did she know, I have issues with the size of my crummy little piece of manhood (as did BS). I maintained enough erection to barely penetrate her. It was funny to her, but devastating to me. My lunch period was quickly ending so I pulled my pants back up while she was saying, “hey don’t go, what’s wrong, come on back here…” I said nothing but that I was needing to get back to work. 
The worst part about the entire 2 year A, was that I treated my wife like ****, when I was the real bastard for all the lying, deceiving, manipulating- and I’m hating every minute of grief I’ve caused her. My BS deserved the man she first met. I obviously didn’t respect her enough to remain that man. These truths could destroy my marriage like it destroyed my wife. There was no further contact with any of these women. 
This five months ago revelation started with Trickle-Truthing” the facts that victimized, verbally abused, and betrayed the best person I’ve known my entire life, and who has since moved into the spare bedroom. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do. I continued to lie while confessing because I was afraid of hurting my BS further; that I was afraid she would divorce me; and the shear shame; and that I’m a cowardly bastard who fears his wife would never forgive him. 
So here we are today: not talking much to each other. I still have recall, lying, confusing of times and dates, all too where she doesn’t believe a word I say, and said she “hates me, can’t stand to look my face, and stated she has lost everything - lost all feelings for me.” I’m a stranger to her. I stay out of her way. 
There’s been nothing sexually for months. No hugs, no dinners out. She simply hates me. I can feel the end is nearing. She can’t hold out much longer. She wants “to go out on her own for two years and do whatever the f*ck she wants to do, and not be held accountable to or have to answer to anyone." She wants her “independence and individualism back” I know that her self-esteem and confidence will return. But I fear she can’t hold out much longer. I’m reminded 3-4 times a week that the longer it takes, the less likely we’ll be able to fix this. We have gone to a MC who couldn’t deal with the complexity of our issues. BS has gone twice to her new IC; I’m waiting to see my IC. I am under psychiatric care for ADHD, Depression, Bi-polar disorder I, and PTSD from military law enforcement and combat service. This terribly long story, for which I apologize, may not get me a response, but it does feel a little better just getting it out there for the forum’s consumption and consideration. Between some mental issues I have, a borderline sex obsession/addiction that is presently under control (NO porn since 5 months ago), and confessing to the every transgression, what else can I do? I’m working on remorse, but I take two different antidepressants a mood stabilizer, and Xanax, daily. I have turned numb, nearly emotionless. I cry inside (and on numerous occasions outside) because I have hurt the ones I love and I know it; feel profound shame for the way I treated the one person I could trust, who used to love me; who as she says “wasted over 30 years of her life with me,” while she supported our career, to the point of no return. I have in her words, “ruined her life and her sons, that I am the world’s worst father and husband that she wishes she’d never met me,” and “curses me for being the father of her son.” I am following the forum for guidance, but understandably, she’s not very receptive to anything I have to say, or has made up her mind and is waiting to or do. She wants to work ion saving the marriage, but also to admit to something I didn’t do; and considers me lying and hiding more truths from her. We are both at wits end. She wants solutions now, and told me she’s waited long enough. The next day she moved into the spare room. We are coexisting in one house. Any advice or guidance would be well received and appreciated. Thanks to all.
Justflushed30
WH-58
BS-58
Married 30 years; 30 years of affairs
Multiple DDays: 2 EA, 3 PA
Children: Grown, I Grandson


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Other than confessing under duress what have you done for her?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have so many issues that it's impossible to sort them out to actually address them. I'm assuming that's what the counselor did when he/she gave up on you.

So, let's try to home in on one thing at a time.

Not only did you betray your W throughout your marriage, but you say you treated your family very badly in general. What form did this take and why do you think you did this? Do you have any sort of relationship with your children and grandchild?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Divorce your poor wife, give her everything possible financially and enjoy the single life with no guilt.

I wasted 20 years and can't get them back but I can have the rest of my life to enjoy real freedom.

You both should be in IC in my opinion and build some deft esteem and awareness.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Sent you a PM (private message) Unlike most...yours and my husbands were a lifetime of betrayal....to your wife it feels like everything in your past was a lie...so nothing she thought she knew is real now. She has to start all over again, your old relationship is gone...you two are going to have to completely start over. There is no fixing the old relationship. She is going to have to go through all the stages of grieving the relationship (life) she thought she had...hurt/depression, anger/rage, acceptance/numb. She may cycle through those stages over and over again. I can tell you because of the duration of your betrayal it is going to take a monumental effort on her part to let go of her pain. This should be the best times of your lives....so sad that this is where you to are at right now my prayers are with you. Big guy and I made it....it is possible hope you two can find your way too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

In case this whole story is real, as said before, please divorce your long suffering wife. Make her as comfortable as possible. Even it means giving her everything. Allow her to get some peace in her life.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Assuming this isn't just a fake post, consider professional help. Your issues are beyond what any forum or even counselor can address effectively.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I have to think that as a serial cheater the chances of you resuming a "normal" life with your wife is slim.

You will NEVER regain the trust you lost and more than likely she will always question (a) your past and (b) everything you do in the future. You will resent this, grow further apart and look for #7 (#8?, #X?) to substitute for your wife.

You now owe it to her to let her find her own way if that's what she wants.


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## CarrieOn (Jun 19, 2013)

Wow, I don't blame your wife for not believing the few "better"/"redeeming" parts of your story. You come across as minimizing everything and being upset that she doesn't believe the few times you DIDN'T have an inappropriate sexual relationship with another woman, yet underplaying all the many times that you did. You act like looking at porn and having full-on sex with a woman are the same thing. Maybe you are trying to say that porn fuels some of your sex addiction or that you know you need to stay away from it in order to stay away from real-life women, or something, but I really can't understand from your post how you jump from looking at porn as a kid/teenager (which I think is quite normal...) to having tons of sexual relationships while married, and being upset that your wife thinks you slept with, what?, 20 women instead of 15? (That is a rough guess/example). 

I don't think it's fair of you to stay married to your wife. You only want her for selfish reasons-- because other guys do-- but have never loved her enough to cherish her and be faithful to her.  Maybe your own issues-- pursuit of self-pleasure-- are too big to allow you to do that. It sounds to me like you should be alone and work on yourself and that monogamy isn't for you. There are definitely people out there who are okay with multiple partners, open relationships, or don't want a committed relationship. However, assuming your wife wanted a faithful marriage, you have only constantly betrayed her, and seem only sorry that you got caught finally, not that you did those things or are the type of person who thought it was okay to continually do those things while married.

I'm not saying I don't think that people can change and find redemption, but I don't get from your post that you truly want to. You just minimize everything you did to her.  It makes me so sad for her and I hope she can find her own way.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

My heart aches for your poor wife. For once in your life think of her first and let her go. Hopefully she can move on and find a decent loving man who will cherish and love her the way she deserves.

I'm sorry I just don't have any sympathy for you. You spent your whole adult life earning what you're getting now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have trouble treating any of the people in your life that you say you love with respect. I would start there. This comes from you. It's not an issue of your marriage. It's a general problem with honoring and valuing the people in your life. A Freudian would tell you that you don't value yourself so you devalue others in order to prop yourself up. Armchair psychology, of course. That's what you get here, so you need a professional.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Unreal. To unravel 30 years of deceit is going to be very difficult.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You screwed up the last 30 years. Give her the last years of her life so she can try to rebuild the confidence she once had, thinking she had a husband. If she's willing to R, you must realize FULLY what you've done to her, and for the rest of your life work on making HER your #1 priority. 

A lifetime of fvckups will be hard to fix. Do a LOT of reading on these boards and see if you can figure out how to be a MAN to your WIFE.

By the way, I personally don't believe in "sex addiction." I believe in boundaries and self control.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Excuse me, JF30, but you are making excuses. You don't think you are, but you are.

You used pornography, you masturbated, therefore this lead to your cheating.

Excuse me but... *No! It didn't!*

Because for every you who used pornography and masturbated and cheated there are thousands of guys who used pornography and masturbated who *didn't* cheat.

Now, with that in mind, I believe you need counselling to help you identify the real reason/s behind why you cheated.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

You ask how you can help her work through this? Honestly, I have no idea... You cheated every time you got the chance, there is no reason at all to trust you or anything you say or do. Basicly your whole marriage is based on lies by you.
Does she want to work work it out at all? If no, let her go and let her heal herself and stop this torture...


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## justflushed30 (Jun 26, 2013)

Shaggy,
Actually, I suppose I have done nothing for her but provide material things; cars, houses, whatever she wanted and we reasoned it worth the money at the time. Since she wishes I wasn't our son's father, I can't even say I gave her a fantastic, healthy son. I'm...aaaa...nothing...Not one thing. I really am whacked.
Jf30


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## justflushed30 (Jun 26, 2013)

alta Dame, I've never laid a hand on any of my family. My wife and I seemed to have a "tension" between us (maybe the instant family, no honeymoon). Our son was indirectly affected. I was gone so much that he was raised by his mom - everyone can sigh, and say, Thank God! Seriously. My grandson and I are good. We went swimming last night. As for respecting issues. I did over and over disrespect her. After kissing people's butt's all day, I was routinely not in the right mood to walk in and be bombarded with the other life with family. I dealt with it by acting out to excess; from porn, to Internet porn as the industry grew, so did the ease of access. Then email sex, and on to the next event. Oh, our son lives out in LA and will be here over the holiday. We'll talk more about it all when he gets here. Thank you for replying. Respect. I got it. Jf30


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Do not expect any forgiveness. The fact that she hates you, means that she actually has some feelings for you, soon she will have none. At that point, maybe she can forgive you. 

You need to let her go in the most loving way possible, and always let her know you are sorry. Tell her that your actions were something that you could not control on your own, and that you honestly love her.

That said, SA's have a "Jeckyl and Hyde" personality, that is horribly destructive to themselves and others. You are absolutely right to stay away from porn, because that is the drug that brought you to this loathsome place. Sexual dysfunction is another symptom of rampant porn use and apparently you had that early in your childhood.

The only option you have at this point is to work on yourself. Overcome your sex addiction, and work towards getting back a healthy mind, body, and spirit. I can't tell you how many otherwise normal heterosexual men, eventually resorted to deviant sex with men, and anything else, that at one time they would have considered repugnant, because it was the only thing that gave them their "fix". Pedophilia is the final stage of SA. That is what happens when Dr. Jeckyl, no longer has any control over Mr. Hyde.

Your problem is progressive, and it is no joke. Put everything you have into getting better.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You would do well to take to heart what Michelleinmichigan has written....very sage advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I believe the only way you can get anything good back in your life after all the hurt you have created is to just work on yourself. As Michelle says. 

Thinking from your wife's standpoint, there is nothing that you can do while with her to take away and repair the hurt. The biggest sign you can give and the only thing you can do for her and to show her that you are serious is to kindly and lovingly let her go, tell her you love her and that all you want is the best for her. That you will go and fix yourself, and if she is still there at the end of it then you will be the luckiest man alive. That regardless, you will fix yourself and save yourself for her at the end of your journey (or at least a significant way through it) and hope that she will be there also. And if not, you will not blame her. 

This will give your wife hope (if there is any hope left). And this will restore some respect for you in her eyes. And if you follow through, the respect she has for you will make any bond you ever had pale into insignificance.


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## justflushed30 (Jun 26, 2013)

catfan, thanks for the question. Yes she does want to work it out. I don't know how long she can try, but I am very grateful she's willing. It seems like every day she'll mention that it will take a loooong time. I know she has needs, so I can only work hard to keep her informed, call and say hi, tell her I love her every day, until she decides if and when it's worked out.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

justflushed30 said:


> As for respecting issues. I did over and over disrespect her. After kissing people's butt's all day, I was routinely not in the right mood to walk in and be bombarded with the other life with family.


This is what most people do, ass kissing work and back home to care for your family. You are not special. You just was selfish enough to believe that putting the money on the table was enough and gave you the right to treat them as you pleased, unload your frustration at them and so on.
Learn to cope.


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## justflushed30 (Jun 26, 2013)

Well, I assure you the story is real- every word of it. We are both in private counseling. If a counselor is the answer, and 99% of them have never experienced real-life issues, but are book-learned, follow the same protocol...finally after four months of repeating events and "how did that make you feels" our psychiatrist referred us to counselors. My wife likes hers, and my first appointment is in late July, through August (high demand counselor). Fake posy? Not hardly.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

You need a psych that specializes in sexual addiction. Otherwise, don't waste your time. Are you willing to consider additional 12 step or faith programs?


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## broken30 (Apr 9, 2013)

I don't know if I'm allowed to post on this but if not....I hope I just get a slap on the hand and not kick off.

I remember saying several times over the years (sometimes in tears), that I would do anything just to feel liked,loved and wanted. 

More than once, that I would live in a cardboard box if it ever came to it...Remember? Material thing are nice but don't fill the void for what's missing and really needed.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

broken30 said:


> I remember saying several times over the years (sometimes in tears), that I would do anything just to feel liked,loved and wanted.
> More than once, that I would live in a cardboard box if it ever came to it...Remember? Material thing are nice but don't fill the void for what's missing and really needed.


That "void" is a problem that most addicts have. The problem is that because of the "void", the person becomes VERY selfish and is unable to even see the needs that their children, for example, who depend on them, may have.

That person expects others to fill a "void" that is never satisfied. That is an exhausting and debilitating task for spouses. That in addition to the lies, the shame, the confusion etc. amount to horrible emotional abuse on the families of addicts. 

So the entire family is suffering and in turmoil, and all the addict can do or sees, is his own needs. Their world revolves around filling that "void". I would rather be physically beaten, than have to deal with the emotional and spiritually abusive nature of a person living with that "void". 

I hope you get better.


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

I have a father like you - career military ******* who cheated on my mother throughout their 50 year marriage. My mother committed suicide in 2008 because of what my father did to her. She simply couldn't cope with the emotional torture any longer.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

PM from phone not working very well. ;-) ...not sure if it is sending.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

broken30 said:


> I don't know if I'm allowed to post on this but if not....I hope I just get a slap on the hand and not kick off.
> 
> I remember saying several times over the years (sometimes in tears), that I would do anything just to feel liked,loved and wanted.
> 
> More than once, that I would live in a cardboard box if it ever came to it...Remember? Material thing are nice but don't fill the void for what's missing and really needed.


It really sounds like your inner issues are much deeper than anything that can be fixed without professional help. Maybe some of these things stem from emotional wounds that you had as a child. This is a core problem. Get help.

It also sounds like you should let go of your wife and kids. Focus your energy on learing to love yourself. Not with illicit sex, or other physical vices, but with a sense of self value. I echo the idea that you are using destructive things to fill the void of love.

When your heart is in the right place, others will recognize it and reflect it back to you. It takes time to get there, so be patient with yourself.

This stuff probably sounds fluffy to a military man. Step back from your hardened shell and listen to your heart. Show valor and let you wife move on.

Keep us posted on how it goes. TAM can be brutal on some, but it is a great way to communicate with others that have been through the fire.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

justflushed30 said:


> Well, I assure you the story is real- every word of it. We are both in private counseling. If a counselor is the answer, and 99% of them have never experienced real-life issues, but are book-learned, follow the same protocol...finally after four months of repeating events and "how did that make you feels" our psychiatrist referred us to counselors. My wife likes hers, and my first appointment is in late July, through August (high demand counselor). Fake posy? Not hardly.


Many counselors are not just book-learned nor do they follow the same protocols. I am a counselor, a combat Vet (served over 39 years in the military), served in ministry and did various things over the years. Many of my peers who are counselors, lost legs and other body parts in combat, gone through D, etc. 

Many psychiatrists that I have worked with are not worth their salaries and simply many were nuts. The last hospital I worked the head of psychiatry would have me set up interviews for potential new psychiatrists and I can't tell you how many times he would inform me that we are not hiring that "nut job". Typically a psychiatrist will dispence medication. Having said all that negative stuff I have a good psychiatrist that I see but she does not spend much time with me. We also have some very good psychiatrists at the nearby hospital that our Veterans like. 

Like anything else not all counselors are alike nor have the same skills. You need someone who is trained in sexual additions. Don't get wrapped up with those folks who disagree with whether there is such a thing or not. It really does not matter if sexual addition is or is not. I look at it as a way to wrap our heads around a series of behaviors. But I have found that those who have this training can get to the point quicker then those who don't and some who don't have this training will buy into your BS story or will have no clue as to how to help you. I say your BS story because for 30 years you lived a lie and it is all BS, a fake way of coping, an excuse. Once you get beyond your BS you will be able to understand and stop your behavior.


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## justflushed30 (Jun 26, 2013)

MattMatt. Agree. I get tired of reading about how the porn use causes eventual sex addiction. I guess to go way back, we played 'doctor' at age 7-8. Then the pics, plus, I'm not using it as an excuse leading to cheating. The cheating was my own bad, selfish, decision. Hoping now the professionals can put all this in perspective. Thanks, JF30


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think that no matter what, you'll need to find the courage to be who you are. You need to be honest and consistent. You need to tell the truth. The complete, unvarnished truth as you see it. You need to share your thoughts, and feelings without trying to control other people's reactions. You need to let go of the attachment to specific outcomes (like saving your marriage). Maybe it'll happen, maybe not, but show up in your life as yourself, live with integrity, courage, and vulnerability, and let the chips fall where they may. 

You have probably got raging self esteem issues. You can't change the past, so don't focus on it. You need to answer any questions your wife has, fully, truthfully for sure, but your focus should be on the present. What kind of a man do you want to be? What kind of a life do you want to lead? Become conscious and aware of the choices you make all the time. How will a course of action help move you towards your true goal? What you want to do doesn't always line up with your ultimate goal, so you need to think about it. What do you truly want deep down? Act with integrity, move towards your goals for yourself as a person, and accept that others in your family may feel the need to move on. You can only control yourself, start doing a better job of it.


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## FlyingThePhoenix (Apr 11, 2013)

broken30 said:


> I don't know if I'm allowed to post on this but if not....I hope I just get a slap on the hand and not kick off.
> 
> I remember saying several times over the years (sometimes in tears), that I would do anything just to feel liked,loved and wanted.
> 
> More than once, that I would live in a cardboard box if it ever came to it...Remember? Material thing are nice but don't fill the void for what's missing and really needed.


Those words "liked, loved and wanted" are special words when spoken to someone who loves you and cares for you, and are priceless and no amount of inanimate objects purchased will ever match those simple little words that mean so much. 

The person who cannot say those words is devoid of such words in the first place. No matter how many times those words or similar are expressed, those words will fall on deaf ears and the only recourse to please their spouse is to purchase inanimate objects to fill that void. Once the void is filled the whole cycle is repeated with yet more useless inanimate objects. LOVE cannot be purchased it must be felt internally first and then shared with someone they really love and care about.

Stay strong!


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