# She cheated



## DEguy

My wife has been cheating, at least by phone, since july. A sexual affair started around september. In early october she said she was leaving and wanted to be on her own. At that point I knew nothing of another man. She even said there was no one else. after a week of trying she said she'd stay. She said she needed to take care of something. Turns out she went for an overnight with him to break up. That lasted all of 3 days and she told me a week later that she missed him. I still believed that they were not sexual. After 5 weeks of this I asked her straight up. " are you having sex with this man"? She said " I just thought you knew". I was so mad. Heres the thing: Our sex life was exciting and all the time. Like 5 times a week. This guy is in debt, not as attractive, makes less money and lives in a place he hates.

My wife tells me I'm the best lover ever, the best father ever, the best friend, and a very supportive husband. What is going on?

She claims to be so sad inside about where her life is going. I am too predictable in life, too content. We have a family and right now we are living that life. We vacationed last year 5 times. Hawaii, Arizona for golf, Disney cruise, Washington DC, Atlantic City. Mostly just the two of us.

She has stripped away everything that has ever loved her. All her longtime friends she's pushed away through the years. I am the last vein of love left in her life, and she is stomping on it with vigor. 

I supported anything she wanted to do: Build homes, grow flowers, Play golf and work at a golf club(which she loves). She moves from one thing to the next as she gets sick of it or sees something else she wants. I supported that. She had this affair under the blanket of love and trust i provided and used it against me. 

She wants a divorce. She sees better pastures. I asked her to stop the affair during our separation, and she said " what, I wont get to see him for 6 months"?? 

How can i get this affair to end badly for her? I want her to snap out of this, but she won't.

Please help.


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## tom67

Well 
Expose to both families the affair.
Filing may be the only thing that snaps her out of this fog.


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## CASE_Sensitive

How old are you and WW?
Any kids?


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## tom67

Make sure you separate the finances or she may clean you out.


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## zookeeper

DEguy said:


> How can i get this affair to end badly for her? I want her to snap out of this, but she won't.


Let her go. The only thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your kids. She is the only one that can change her and it sounds like that is the last thing she wants to do.


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## kristin2349

You will get lots of good advice here. 

Don't worry about getting the affair to end badly for her. The odds are stacked against her. You need to be more concerned about YOU. What is the right way out of this situation for you.

Are you clear on why you want to stay with a liar and a cheat who abused your trust and willingly tossed your marriage into the trash?


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## jack.c

so far you have been an opportunity for a comfortable life for her, and now she needs to call out. She cant keepup the lie she lived till now? It'a a classic!
So why do you want her back? Expose her and him, file and see what happens. Only this way you can understand where you stand and what you mean to her.


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## DEguy

Thank you all. 

I am 42yo she is 41, 18 1/2 years of bliss. To her she has been unhappy inside. Not with me so much, just with life.

1 child, 10yo. I feel she is trapped in her feelings and this relationship gave her the change she longs for. It is not him or what he offers. She asked me to take her back 2 weeks ago. She told me she was " here for good". Of course i did. She was sincere, distraught, guilt ridden, and super apologetic. She begged for forgiveness. But her thoughts of this new life keep pulling her away. It does not get any better that what we have here. No financial issues, no mental or physical abuse ever, vacations, beautiful home and town. Anything we have needed, we have. We have only showed love and caring toward each other. Our friends always said we were the best and most loving couple anywhere.

Then as the days went on, she became more withdrawn with her feelings. When we talked about it over a few drinks she really opened up and said how staying with him, he has everything to gain and she has everything to lose. She thinks that this period of separation is for her to vet his ability to satisfy her need for change. I do not believe she will ever come back to me. 

She even says i smother her. Not sure how as she works and plays golf all day some days. But it must be to stay away from me. even though she would call me and want to be intimate when she returned. It is so hard for me. I lover her so deeply. She is the love of my life, even if she made a mistake. 

Thank you again


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## DEguy

I hurts so badly.


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## lewmin

Listen, I've been there. Thousands of others here on tAM have been here. This is shocking but if you read other stories of infidelity this is exactly the same script we see over and over, every day here. There is nothing unique about the situation you are in. 

So, the first thing you have to do is change the balance of power...she wants to leave, etc. She knows you are a great guy and will always be there for her. 

Whether you D or R, the affair must end. So, besides her own admission, do you have tangible proof (recordings, notes, etc)? because you must lift your wife out of the deep fog she is in and expose the affair to everyone involved...the OM's family, workplace, etc, to have any chance at all, if you want it. Then go dark.

When she has no one to run to, she may start begging for another chance. But first, you need to expose this affair fully.


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## Acabado

I'm so sorry man.
File for D ASAP. Take adventage of the little guilt she has.


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## The Middleman

Maintain your self respect and give her the divorce. Just make sure it's the divorce from hell and expose her and what she's done to everyone you know. I'm really perplexed as to why you would want to save this marriage after she said: " what, I wont get to see him for 6 months"?? 

You deserve better.


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## Lovemytruck

DEguy,

I could have written your first post. My marriage was very similar. Thought we had it all!

You will be given excellent advice. Read it. Try to sort it out, and apply it. Most of us don't do everything right, but you will be ok in the end.

Get a support system.

Do things that will provide you relief. Avoid violence, yelling, excessive drinking, etc.

Take time to think things through. I took 8 months to decide a D (divorce) was a better path than a R (reconciliation).

Allow yourself the freedom to experience all of the stages of grief. They will come. It is a normal thing for an abnormal event.

So sorry you are here. Keep reading and posting. It is helpful.


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## Cubby

File for divorce right now. (it takes a long time to go through; you have plenty of time to change your mind.) It sounds like she thinks she wants a divorce, but she's not sure. That's just her fantasy world talking. You taking charge and filing has a good chance of slapping her back into reality.

And if you do it in a way that's decisive, strong and confident, there's a good chance she'll be attracted to your take-charge demeanor. Whatever you do, DO NOT be needy, whimpering, sad....all those attraction-killing behaviors. Send her the message that you're the kind of man that simply WILL NOT tolerate a third man in your marriage. If she wants this guy, send her to him. Then watch their delusional love bubble pop.

It's been said so many times here: to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose your marriage.


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## CASE_Sensitive

Hard as it is, you need a brother, a father, a best friend to pick you up and shake/slap you into reacting.

1) Stop letting her decide what happens in your life now. She is the one who has decided to walk out on you and the marital home. She cannot be with O/M and you. She moves out.

2) Did she tell you any details about O/M...is he married, a co-worker, ex-bf?...Anything you can use against him?

3) EXPOSE to her family what has happened. You said she has no real friends anymore, so maybe her parents are the best route. Let them know you did your best to save the marriage, but your wife has decided to break her vows of marriage. Let your parents know...if you'll need someone to watch your 10 YR old, bring in the resources (your family).

4) File for Divorce

5) Separate your finances...from this point on, none of the money you make goes towards her living.


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## 2yearsago

Sounds to me like a classic case of a mid-life crisis. I went through something similiar and feel your pain. My wife had her affair starting a few months before her 40th birthday.

Get this through your head(your heart will take much longer) NOW - you cannot control her. If she is unhappy nothing you can do will make her happy. She must find it(or lose it) on her own. Do not get sucked into feeling sorry for her and try to make it better. It won't work.

Think in terms of yourself and your 10-year old. You must do what is best for you and your 10 year old. Do not think in terms of what is best for your wife. She has her own battle to fight.

When she says you smother her that is completely typical. If she wants space to figure things out tell her she is welcome to go find her space somewhere outside of your home.

Good luck, keep posting.


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## Lovemytruck

I agree that you should file for D. It will really is your best option even if you are not ready to move on. It is a litmus test for her, and a chance for you to get the best settlement.


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## kristin2349

My marriage is very similar. On the surface we have everything anybody could ever want. But once you are comfortable and settle into that. It's sort of how I explain living in an area that is a Vacation/tourist destination...after a while even Xanadu is just another address.


Some people aren't happy with feeling content. They start to look to shake things up. They have mid life crises and make some really dumb choices that hurt the people they claim to love.

You sound like you are still in a place where you want your wife and you think you are willing to forget her actions. You only need to read a few stories similar to yours and you'll realize you are delaying pain.

If you want to forgive your wife that's your choice but enabling her further is just buying yourself more pain.


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## DEguy

He is divorced and no children. So they are fee as birds together. the only plus is he is 2.5 hours away. So she is there now since yesterday and will return tomorrow. We have not told our daughter yet. Prob Friday. I will file tomorrow. I wanted to today, but am still so distraught.

In Delaware I can have a divorce almost immediately, give or take, without a separation if adultery is involved. Should I push for that?

Or file and let 6 months go by and finish it up then? 

Also we decided to sell our house and move as a unit, but separately to Florida. I even asked her why she would want to be involved in a relationship if she is moving. She has wanted to move there for years so she can golf full year.

Good advice: Strap a set on and file! Show her who's not scared. She has a free place till april. She is here only when i cannot. My daughter will live with me here and also in florida. I am flying down to look at homes in early Dec.

I need sleep. it has been 3-4 hours for the last 7 weeks. even with medication. It is messing with my decision making skills. meanwhile she sleeps like a baby.


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## Lovemytruck

Sleep. File. Expose to your circle of those that should know what is going on. Take care.


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## alte Dame

Just let her go.

She thinks that the solution to her issues are with the men she has chosen rather than how she feels inside of herself. She will learn the hard way that she has to look in the mirror to understand what is driving her discontent. This turd of an OM will not solve anything, that's for sure.

So, just let her go. File for D and take care of your daughter and yourself. If there is such a thing as a mid-life crisis, it is not caused by spouses. It is probably a panic response to discovering the truth of mortality. You can't fix that, OP. No one can.


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## Lovemytruck

The beautiful alte Dame has spoken. Listen to her!


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## harrybrown

Go NC on her. Get her out of your life. She is your enemy. She is cheating on you and your daughter. She is selfish.

How would she feel if you had an affair?

File for D now and use her cheating as the reason.

Let her go be with this OM. They deserve each other.

Be a man. She does not respect you.

Respect yourself, do not put up with this affair.


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## funfred

You are doing the right thing. Just do everything with conviction. Take control back. Now it will be you calling the shots. Its funny how things change when control is lost by the WW. 
The main thing is to be there for your child. Good Luck.


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## Thorburn

Get some sleep. Don't plead, don't beg. Let her go. She affaired down, very common. Don't try ot make sense of her selfish acts. Don't try to compare yourself with the OM, it does no good. Just senseless.


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## DEguy

ok, Good advice. Alte Dame is right. She is in crisis. my therapist has said that many times. She even went to a therapist one time. She told my wife if her mind was made up, stop hurting your husband. that was the final day of hope. 

I thought she'd snap out of this crisis after therapy. Not yet anyway. I am trying to sleep, but nothing is helping. So hard when you wake a 3 am only to hear your thoughts.


All this divorce crap and splitting up stuff is hard for me to grasp.
it is painful. I do not care about the house and all the stuff. just that it needs to be done is whats painful. 

I will try to take control back. I have an appt on the 3rd with an atty. the soonest I could get. He suggested i do not file without an attys input. I tend to agree.


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## DEguy

I stopped pleading on thursday. my final plead was that i thought we were making a grave mistake. It is wrong, nearsighted and rude to our daughter. She got huffy and angry. My therapist equated her to a teenager, claiming every time i push against her, it makes it harder for her to leave. My wife wants it to be easy. very selfish. Calls all the shots in this mess. It sucks.


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## LostViking

File for D and start the 180. Have you read on it yet? Someone here can give you a link to it. 

I say just file and have her served. Keep your talk to her to a minimum as you can. Talk only about the D and your child. Do not cry, beg or tell her you love her. Let her go. 

Very few relationships that start out as affairs ever last the long term. She is a cheater and if she will cheat on you she will cheat on her new man. I feel sorry for her in a way when I think of the future she is in store for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lewmin

One more thing....most affairs are fantasy about 2 people running off into the sunset together. So don't take her for her word that Florida is solely for herself and does not include the other man. They may have discussed going to Florida together. Maybe she goes first and he follows eventually, so it does not look pre-planned. I'm sure there is talk about this especially if the other guy is not married. That's why getting her out of her fog and gonig dark is important.


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## 3putt

DEguy said:


> ok, Good advice. Alte Dame is right. She is in crisis. my therapist has said that many times. She even went to a therapist one time. She told my wife if her mind was made up, stop hurting your husband. that was the final day of hope.
> 
> I thought she'd snap out of this crisis after therapy. Not yet anyway. I am trying to sleep, but nothing is helping. So hard when you wake a 3 am only to hear your thoughts.
> 
> 
> All this divorce crap and splitting up stuff is hard for me to grasp.
> it is painful. I do not care about the house and all the stuff. just that it needs to be done is whats painful.
> 
> I will try to take control back. I have an appt on the 3rd with an atty. the soonest I could get. He suggested i do not file without an attys input. I tend to agree.


Also, when you file cite her adultery as the reason and have the POSOM subpoenaed to testify on your behalf. This will throw a little grenade into their pathetic little fantasy world.

Don't make it easy for them. Make them pay a high price for their actions and your pain.


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## Dyokemm

OP,

Sorry you are here.

File and move on for yourself.

Expose the A to all friends and family.

Only interact with her concerning the D and your child...detach from her ASAP.

You cannot save her from her crisis. You can only protect yourself and your daughter by detaching and moving on.

The only chance she has of coming out of this is if you blow up her fantasy life and make her see that everything in her life is about to come crashing down on her.

Be composed, but cold and detached from her, even if you have to fake it at first.

Do not be friends with her.

Many WS think in their fantasies that somehow they will continue to be friends with their BS and their life will continue on basically as normal. Everyone will be happy for them and accept their new love in life.

Expose and file and destroy this fantasy forever.


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## Plan 9 from OS

DEguy said:


> My wife has been cheating, at least by phone, since july. A sexual affair started around september. In early october she said she was leaving and wanted to be on her own. At that point I knew nothing of another man. She even said there was no one else. after a week of trying she said she'd stay. She said she needed to take care of something. Turns out she went for an overnight with him to break up. That lasted all of 3 days and she told me a week later that she missed him. I still believed that they were not sexual. After 5 weeks of this I asked her straight up. " are you having sex with this man"? She said " I just thought you knew". I was so mad. Heres the thing: Our sex life was exciting and all the time. Like 5 times a week. This guy is in debt, not as attractive, makes less money and lives in a place he hates.
> 
> My wife tells me I'm the best lover ever, the best father ever, the best friend, and a very supportive husband. What is going on?
> 
> She claims to be so sad inside about where her life is going. I am too predictable in life, too content. We have a family and right now we are living that life. *We vacationed last year 5 times. Hawaii, Arizona for golf, Disney cruise, Washington DC, Atlantic City. Mostly just the two of us.*
> 
> She has stripped away everything that has ever loved her. All her longtime friends she's pushed away through the years. I am the last vein of love left in her life, and she is stomping on it with vigor.
> 
> *I supported anything she wanted to do: Build homes, grow flowers, Play golf and work at a golf club(which she loves). She moves from one thing to the next as she gets sick of it or sees something else she wants. I supported that.* She had this affair under the blanket of love and trust i provided and used it against me.
> 
> She wants a divorce. She sees better pastures. I asked her to stop the affair during our separation, and she said " what, I wont get to see him for 6 months"??
> 
> How can i get this affair to end badly for her? I want her to snap out of this, but she won't.
> 
> Please help.


I can't give any suggestions about how to process the feelings due to infidelity. But I can offer suggestions for the next time you enter into a relationship. What I bolded looks to me like you spoiled your wife rotten. The more you gave, the more she took. I'm guessing your dynamic was that you tried to solve problems by giving in to her so that she got her way to "satisfy" her. Only it did nothing of the sort. It reinforced the idea in her mind that you were easy to manipulate and therefore someone who did not deserve respect. JMHO, but if you want a meaningful relationship the next time, stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to make your new GF (or wife) stick to her committments instead of constantly "making everything better" by allowing her to regularly start new things whenever she got tired with her playthings...


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## KanDo

I am sorry you are here and dealing with the pain of adultery. You have been given very good advice. Your wife is quite selfish and nothing will change until she hits rock bottom (if even then).

Please see you physician for a little help in the sleep department and the situational depression you are facing. You need to be strong for your child. If you are intent on leaving for Florida, PLEASE don't rock the boat too much with your wife until custody has been approved. You certainly don't want your child stuck in your current state with a vengeful ex-wife while you are in FL!

Please file immediately. Cite adultery just to allow a more quick resolutions. Do not go nuclear on her. I am usually all for disclosure and consequences; but, for you and your child, this would be counter productive. If you are OK with remaining in your current location for the next 8 years, my advice would be very different.


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## kristin2349

It sounds like you are starting to formulate a plan. That's good, don't share it with her. She's going to try to keep you invested in her and this mess she's created. She still thinks she holds all the cards. 

Once your mind can focus on the next step you'll start being able to let some of it go. Hopefully sleep will follow. Your mind is protecting you letting the pain in little by little. That's what I told myself. I still need medication to sleep most nights. But it's getting better.


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## jnj express

You are letting her walk all over you-----

This woman you married and love---now, today---she is NOT the woman you married

This woman cares nothing for what you offer, she cares nothing for you, and obviously cares little for her flesh and blood child

Best thing you can do---is STOP BEING NICE COMPLETELY---get your D----and get rid of her, at this point

somewhere down the line---when her A ends, and it will----97% of all A hook-ups FAIL----you can maybe explore, re-starting with her--if at that point that is what you might want

Right now---you need to pack up all her belongings--put them in her car---and tell her to get out, and GO BE WITH HER LOVER---tell her you and your child have deleted her------tell her as far as the 2 of you are concerned----SHE DOES NOT EXIST--------------maybe just maybe that will RETURN HER TO REALITY----you being NICE---is not working---and will never work---and it is time you started to respect yourself---cuz for a long time now---you have shown NO respect for YOURSELF


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## the guy

DEguy said:


> I hurts so badly.


Don't let your wife see this hurt.

See chicks like confident guys and you have to believe in your heart that she is making the biggest mistake in her life and with that smile wish her the best and just let her go.

Its just a matter of time when the excitement and taboo wear off. Now that this a affair is open to the light of day, it won't be nearly as fun as it was when they had to sneak around.


Wish her the best with a smile on your face 
And distance your self from her

These two thing are the only way for her to think twice in what she is about to lose.


Until the OM is out of the picture the marriage is toast so as long as she want this POS you don't have a chance. You can't compete with new love, the OM has to be history in her head before you guys can even think of repairing this.

Your goal however is to just let her go and live life well and be positive and confident...only then will she second guess her choice in men. 

Being a weak and needy guy will justify her choice in men...get it?

Poeple want what they can't have.

Now that you let her have her OM just maybe this POS is not all that and maybe with a positive additude and confidence from you, she will see you as the better choice.


I went through this crap almost 4 years ago, and I wasn't about to let my old ladies inmoral crap define me. The way I saw it was "good ridence", "all the best" , and "see you in the funny papers"

As hard as that was for me and the great risk I took in losing my chick for good, I had to fake it until I made it....there was no other option....she was not going to drag me down...no phucking way, even after 19 years of M, I still diserved good things from here on out!

Just let her go it might save your marriage.


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## DEguy

interestingly enough, moving is my idea. I need a clean slate. She is willing to move, 1. because she has always wanted to, and, 2. because she wants to co parent. she will move with me.

He....has a house he cannot sell, a shipload of debt and a real estate job that pays nothing, no higher education, and an ex that he hates.

I am not sure what he will do. She may bail him out. At which point I will be furious. She claims it will likely not last but wants to find out. I guess we will see.

It has been 20 years since she was infatuated with another man. that other man was me. I wished i could have whoood her back. 

but everyone is right, i feel better and I will file and move onward with my daughter at our pace. she can move at her pace. I am looking to buy before spring and set up shop there and be ready for summer. I want my daughter to make a bunch of new friends and they will all go to the same school.

I feel positive about this part. My ex/wife wants to live within 20 mins of my house. I feel that is pretty good.


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## MattMatt

If she leaves she leaves the family. She does not get custody of your child.


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## DEguy

The guy,

That is how i have been the last 5 days. not responding to texts until i want to. i told her we did not need to speak until she returned on wed. i will act confident and with purpose. I will go into my room and shut the door.lol. well maybe i'll show my face.

I really look forward to the move. I believe that is where my salvation lies!

New women i have never met. Here i know everyone, such a pain. Just will feel better than here. plus my w has seasonal stress disorder(not diagnosed) evident during the delaware winters where it is cold and dark. she gets really down. We'll see how the new guy handles my w after the newness wears off and she shows her real side! I feel sorry for him, lol. not.

It is starting to get to me too sometimes.


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## alte Dame

(@ Lovemytruck - you're making me blush .)


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## DEguy

mattmatt,

I am unsure of the custody laws, but I have no intention of keeping her from my daughter. I promised to never disparage my w to my daughter. That is a promise i will take to the grave.

She is a good mother and my daughter needs her....now if she says she does not want to move because of this guy, then so be it. then i will need to go all in. Because i am the primary care giver, she has agreed that i get the lions share of everything. Split the house. I hope she stays reasonable.


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## the guy

DEguy said:


> She is a good mother everything.


Sorry bro..."good mothers" don't tear the family unit apart by sleeping with other men!

Your old ladies only concern right now is her new love...face it her family...ya even her daughter is the furthest thing from her mind.

The only thing on her mind id when and were she getts to met OM...and if that takes leaving her own daughter with a complete stranger....I wouldn't put it past her.

Dude, she is not the same woman you married and had a kid with.

Please use caution when it comes to new guys in your wifes life when it comes to your kid. The % rate for a kid getting phucked with by there mother boy friend is huge.

I have been here to long to see how this turns out when you think your cheating wife is a "good mother".


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## LostViking

Exercise and not eating after 6:00 pm can help with not sleeping. Also, two Benadryls taken about an hour before you go to bed will help you sleep better. Works as well as Ambien but it's not dangerous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DEguy

The guy,

I agree with you and that is why I forbid my w to expose my daughter to this man. She agreed she would not. He will not come here. only my w going to him. He would not dare show his face in my small town. I would have words for sure.


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## Working1

Sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like your wife is acting out and is impulsive. Have you tried the opposite approach? Tell her you admire her life now, and you want the same for yourself, to meet somebody new and experience the same feeling she is for yourself. Tell her that she looks so happy in her new life, you can't help but think it might be good for you too, so you just want the freedom to try it too.

See how she reacts to that. I bet she will instantly look at you differently. 

You see, she is not in a place where she can see what she is doing to her future, but if you show her by acting like her, being somebody who wants their freedom too, she will try to rein you back in, because this stuff only feels good when there is a betrayed spouse on the side of it, for some reason once the betrayed spouse character is removed from the equation, everything changes….


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## CH

DEguy said:


> My wife tells me I'm the best lover ever, the best father ever, the best friend, and a very supportive husband. What is going on?


This is to keep you on the hook as plan B just in case plan A falls apart. Stroke your ego, give you that glimmer of hope and string you along as far as she can until she can finalize the deal with the OM. If it fails.

Oh baby, I was wrong, how could I have been so stupid, sob, sob, sob, sob. I hate myself, sob, sob, sob, sob, sob. I only loved you, sob, sob, sob, sob. Let's give it a try for our child, sob, sob, sob, sob.

But if it works out with the OM, I haven't loved you in a long time. I feel trapped and need space to find myself, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.


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## See_Listen_Love

DEguy said:


> I will try to take control back. I have an appt on the 3rd with an atty. the soonest I could get. He suggested i do not file without an attys input. I tend to agree.


Here is a symptom of your life:

You have an appointment on 3 december earliest??

If all is that well financially in your life, you should have an appointment early the next morning with your attorney!

I have seen things like that all the time. 

You should act decisively NOW (actually yesterday)!

The only way to have a chance of turning your wife is turning yourself. Man up.


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## terrence4159

ok first off DONT LET HER COME BACK!!!! tell her she chose him and is not welcome in the home. man if i read that right she is with him right now and will be back tomorrow. call her or text her and say she is no longer welcome and to stay with him.


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## tom67

terrence4159 said:


> ok first off DONT LET HER COME BACK!!!! tell her she chose him and is not welcome in the home. man if i read that right she is with him right now and will be back tomorrow. call her or text her and say she is no longer welcome and to stay with him.


This^^^ and have her sh!t packed in garbage bags and by the front door.


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## terrence4159

launch TAM shock and awe stage one!!!! do what is posted above by me and tom. put her butt on the defensive grabbing for straws





in the words of arguablly the greatest general in military history GENERAL GEORGE S PATTON...a good plan violently carried out today is better is better than the best plan tomorrow.


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## manfromlamancha

DEGuy, you need to listen carefully to the last bits of advice you have been given. 

This is war and she is the enemy. She is not a good mother. She is not lost. She wilfully bedded this other man. She is not in love with you - she is in love with him. You and your daughter come a distant second. 

Protect your daughter and yourself by having her removed from your home asap (as per the advice - garbage bags - etc etc). 

Then protect your finances (separate accounts etc). 

Then file for D and expose the affair far and wide. Blow her up with her friends and family, and as far as you can, blow the POSOM up too. Affect this affair negatively in any way you can.

Then work on repairing your self and your daughter. Do the 180 immediately, start working out, go to counselling if you need it etc. Do not actively disparage you wife but even more importantly DO NOT LIE to your daughter about this - it will cause more damage down the line.

If she decides to move with you when you move to be 20 mins from you, so be it but it is only to deal with her own guilt and to also have you around for support when she needs it - let this not be the case and do nothing to support this.

Finally, do not cry or look sad - she needs to see a strong confident male to realise what she has lost. You may need more details for closure and if that is the case she should be completely open and honest about what went on - this whole business about "I thought you knew" is BS. She didn't tell you because that is what cheaters do - they let you know only the bare minimum to avoid confrontation in an attempt to move past it and rug sweep if possible.

Good luck and be strong.


----------



## barbados

So after all the garbage your spoiled, entitled, cheating wife has put you through, you are going to REWARD her by moving to a place where SHE wants to live so she can GOLF YEAR ROUND (and with every round of golf, she can have a round of cheating). YIKES !!!!

This woman will be sticking it to you for the rest of your life, because YOU allow her to !

And for the record, she is a TERRIBLE MOTHER.


----------



## DEguy

ok, ok. I hear what you are all saying. I am trying to be diplomatic here. We want to agree on finances together. She wants me to have the lions share. I am remaining calm so i can get what i need from her. I am not acting week, only smart. 

If i go overboard she is likely to force a split of everything 50/50. but now she wants me to take the bulk of the liquid assets and we will split the house. She has a substantial portfolio that will support her for a while. 

So yes I would love to blow her up....but I am trying to play smarter than her at every step. Should not be hard.

oh, and got an appt today with atty. boo ya!


----------



## tom67

DEguy said:


> ok, ok. I hear what you are all saying. I am trying to be diplomatic here. We want to agree on finances together. She wants me to have the lions share. I am remaining calm so i can get what i need from her. I am not acting week, only smart.
> 
> If i go overboard she is likely to force a split of everything 50/50. but now she wants me to take the bulk of the liquid assets and we will split the house. She has a substantial portfolio that will support her for a while.
> 
> So yes I would love to blow her up....but I am trying to play smarter than her at every step. Should not be hard.
> 
> oh, and got an appt today with atty. boo ya!


Be prepared for her to flip on a dime and lawyer up.

Be polite but firm.


----------



## DEguy

I will not engage her in convo about our marriage. she has spoken. I am just staying the course and trying not to make waves so i get what i want. She does not want this info out there. so i have a bit of leverage. She definitely never wants our daughter to know. leverage again. I believe she is a rational person when her reputation is at stake. We will see.

I will talk to the atty and file asap. We will move forward from there amicably. get the divorce quickly, and then i can blow her up if i choose. but I feel it is blowing over for me because of all your help.

I will have good and bad days, but they will get better. I want to move to this new place sooner than later so I can start my new life. 

I need a companion. always have. I am a pleaser. Maybe i'll hold back a bit so we are more equal in the next relationship. 

My W will miss me when I am gone i know that for sure. See if this other guy can provide her with the intellectual stim that i have been giving for many years. Her choice.


----------



## CH

DEguy said:


> My W will miss me when I am gone i know that for sure. See if this other guy can provide her with the intellectual stim that i have been giving for many years. Her choice.


She's not going to him for his brains...Good luck to you. My only question to you now is, if she comes back crawling and is willing to give 200% into the marriage to make it work, would you take her back?

Whatever you choose, I wish the best for you and your daughter. I got 3 of those things (J/K) romping around my house and the oldest just turned 12 and oh boy.....Sometimes daddy just has to take a deep breath and walk away, was I that lazy with my mom


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Many of those threads have the "She's kind of dumb" comment as well. Then the betrayed spouse says "I'm just toeing the line" right up to the point the wife flips out, halts the divorce, wants more money and gets a lawyer.
Don't become arrogant you might lose your shirt.
Don't become a doormat trying to get what you want.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

harrybrown said:


> Go NC on her. Get her out of your life. She is your enemy. She is cheating on you and your daughter. She is selfish.
> 
> How would she feel if you had an affair?
> 
> File for D now and use her cheating as the reason.
> 
> Let her go be with this OM. They deserve each other.
> 
> Be a man. She does not respect you.
> 
> Respect yourself, do not put up with this affair.


:iagree:

OP:
Look at what she is doing. To you, to her daughter. You say you still love her....your love is badly misplaced. It may have taken 18 years to finally discover, but you now know what kind of person she really is....(midlife crisis my a&&!) 
Once you get a chance to clear your head you'll see this more clearly. There are better women out there. Divorce and go find one.


----------



## The Middleman

the guy said:


> Sorry bro..."good mothers" don't tear the family unit apart by sleeping with other men!
> 
> Your old ladies only concern right now is her new love...face it her family...ya even her daughter is the furthest thing from her mind.
> :


Quoted for truth. Remember this posting every time you want to cut her some slack.


----------



## LongWalk

Golf is game that can never be perfected. You search for an elusive zen moment when everthing clicks. That is also what she wants in her life, but it will elude her. Your descriptoin is of person who will never be satisfied. She will want to return to you but she will never feel that it is quite right. Even now with the POS it is not right.

Your daughter will never forgive her.


----------



## terrence4159

they all say they want a easy divorce they want to be diplomatic they want to stay friends......its a lie. dont let your guard down. my ex wife said that and i woulda been taken to the cleaners if i hadnt exposed her far and wide. when i exposed the only person in her family that had money (grandma) told her to pound sand she wouldnt pay for her lawyer....saved me over 78k in child support over 18 years (i pay 0) 

i got 50/50 custody,now i have 80% she cant be bothered to good mom her new husband and kids way more important. the only good thing she ever did was give me the 80% because she could never get him to school on time and me and my wife could.

there are way way better women out there man. you deserve better


----------



## See_Listen_Love

DEguy said:


> ok, ok. I hear what you are all saying. I am trying to be diplomatic here. *We want to agree on finances together. She wants me to have the lions share. I am remaining calm so i can get what i need from her.* I am not acting week, only smart.
> 
> *If i go overboard she is likely to force a split of everything 50/50.* but now she wants me to take the bulk of the liquid assets and we will split the house. She has a substantial portfolio that will support her for a while.
> 
> So yes I would love to blow her up....but I am trying to play smarter than her at every step. Should not be hard.
> 
> oh, and got an appt today with atty. boo ya!





> I will not engage her in convo about our marriage. she has spoken. *I am just staying the course and trying not to make waves so i get what i want*. She does not want this info out there. so i have a bit of leverage. She definitely never wants our daughter to know. leverage again. I believe she is a rational person when her reputation is at stake. We will see.
> 
> I will talk to the atty and file asap. * We will move forward from there amicably. * get the divorce quickly, and then i can blow her up if i choose. but I feel it is blowing over for me because of all your help.
> 
> I will have good and bad days, but they will get better. I want to move to this new place sooner than later so I can start my new life.
> 
> I need a companion. always have. * I am a pleaser. Maybe i'll hold back a bit so we are more equal in the next relationship.*
> 
> My W will miss me when I am gone i know that for sure. See if this other guy can provide her with the intellectual stim that i have been giving for many years. Her choice.


You are all Beta in your language. 

You are dining with a crocodile, and think you can get a bigger share of the chicken....

She might as well eat you!


----------



## dogman

Life's not exciting enough for this woman, she has to create this drama to make it more interesting.
It's funny...the OP is stable and wants this drama over ASAP. To the wife this is the fun part. When they divorce, the drama will be over and she will again be unhappy with whoever she's with. 

It's just a matter of waiting to watch her crash and burn. But it won't happen until the excitement is over.


----------



## dontbeused

DEguy said:


> I will not engage her in convo about our marriage. she has spoken. I am just staying the course and trying not to make waves so i get what i want. She does not want this info out there. so i have a bit of leverage. She definitely never wants our daughter to know. leverage again. I believe she is a rational person when her reputation is at stake. We will see.
> 
> I will talk to the atty and file asap. We will move forward from there amicably. get the divorce quickly, and then i can blow her up if i choose. but I feel it is blowing over for me because of all your help.
> 
> I will have good and bad days, but they will get better. I want to move to this new place sooner than later so I can start my new life.
> 
> I need a companion. always have. I am a pleaser. Maybe i'll hold back a bit so we are more equal in the next relationship.
> 
> My W will miss me when I am gone i know that for sure. See if this other guy can provide her with the intellectual stim that i have been giving for many years. Her choice.


She does not get to skate off with her reputation in tact. As soon as the papers are signed and you have the deal you want. You tell her friends and family, and let her know her child will also know why the family was torn apart as well. This is for 2 reasons. You did not cause this, she did and the family, friends, that supported your marriage deserve to know they were supporting an immoral person and they can decide if they want to make that mistake again. Her family can hold her accountable in the future and your child needs to know the truth about what happened to their world. (when age appropriate).


----------



## VFW

I am sorry that you and your daughter is in this situation, but you are doing remarkedly well, given the circumstances. I think you are wise to take the best deal you can and move on with your life. To me all the arguments, tit-4-tat moves are all for nothing. The best retribution that you can do to your ex is go live a bigger and better life than what you did with her. Make sure that you and daughter keep busy over the holidays and don't get caught up in the blues. She really needs you this year more than ever.


----------



## Rottdad42

Okay man since you and I are the same age, I will go at it from that perspective. At this stage of the age game, we don't have the luxury of playing this stupid game. You want to go have fun, then go. God or whoever be with you. But don't drag me through the mud with you. STD's coupled with the mind games of her being with him would shake my core. I could not live with it. I would no longer want to touch her. This to me sounds like a mid-life crisis, maybe. I guess having everything you want, a good husband, home well adjusted kid, descent finances and so on is not enough for some people. I myself would kill, so to speak, to have had that before hell day. 

File for divorce, show her your not playing around, this will be an earth shaker at best. Finances, move as much as you can to another bank or other. Remove yourself from this with the 180 program. I didn't do this, I just went right to divorce, full steam, with zero reconciliation. She wanted to come back so bad, but alas I was nowhere to be found. Never been happier. 

Like I said we are at an age, not just us at 42, but older and don't have time for this crap. We married for a reason. For me once you stray, you can no longer stay. But for others it's a much harder decision to make. Ask yourself this, is she worth fighting for and forgiving or can you start over again at 42. I started over, it was hard, but I did it. I'm lucky to have a hottie of a wife 10 years younger and I have never been happier. Time of my life man. Good luck.


----------



## DEguy

Rottdad,

Good advice. I believe every circumstance requires a serious evaluation no matter how similar it is to another. In this case I believe a spring came loose and has caused her to stray for reasons of newness, not sex or love and certainly not a brighter future. it gets no brighter than this! 

I spoke with her yesterday after she returned from two nights with him. She seemed sad. Sad i was not at the house when she returned. Sad I told her I would not be home till after I ate out. Sad when I returned and did not give her anything, no emotion. Sad at bedtime. Sad this morning and wanted to lay next to me. I did oblige but gave no affection.

She knows she is going it alone. She said this guy will prob not last long. She misses me as her best friend. I told her she betrayed and hurt me so deeply, that it will take a very long time to forget that. I told her that we cannot be friends like that anymore. she cried a lot. I believe it is setting in. Her course is un wavered though. She still wants out and to move forward anew. I told her for the first time ever I am looking forward to being on my own. No one to answer to, check with or consult. I said it will be great. She agreed. 

I also said I need the comfort and companionship of a woman desperately and that moving sooner than later is very important to me. She can stay behind if she wants I do not care. 

We talked about finances this morn and we are drafting our financial agreement today and I will have my attorney legalize it and that will hopefully be that. I hope. She is worried for herself and her future. I wish her the best. we will need to be friendly in the eyes of our daughter.

oh, and I also told her she needed to come clean to her mother. She shook her head yes. That will devastate her and her mom to even have that convo. thats when she said this guy would not likely last long.


----------



## DEguy

By the way, TAM? Target activated munition?

lol


----------



## LostViking

DEguy said:


> Rottdad,
> 
> I spoke with her yesterday after she returned from two nights with him. She seemed sad. Sad i was not at the house when she returned. Sad I told her I would not be home till after I ate out. Sad when I returned and did not give her anything, no emotion. Sad at bedtime. *Sad this morning and wanted to lay next to me. I did oblige but gave no affection.*


Don't ever do this again. 

Never, ever, ever give succor to a cheater. This woman spent two days spreading her legs for another man and you let her lay down next to you and snuggle? 

Really?! 

Do not allow her to share your bed. She can sleep on the couch. You should not even be engaging with her, except to talk about the divorce and division of assets.


----------



## davecarter

DEGuy's situation is almost _parallel _to my own, circa end of last year / first 6 months of this.
Like you did me, you guys and this Forum will sort him out.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive

I would have hosed her off before letting her back in the house. Keep up the good work and yes cut her off and get her out of your life asap (as much as you can given your child together). Remain confident, strong, and detached from her as best you can. Yes you can let her know she hurt you, but the bigger message she should get is that she did wrong, she broke her vows, she is the one that needs fixing and she'll need to do that without you in her life.


----------



## DEguy

Ok i know, I still have compassion for her. Albeit misguided. 

She made a huge mistake. There is much to lose. I will hold my ground, but she needs to fix herself first, BEFORE i would ever consider taking her back. Nothing is a total loss until it is a total loss.

I am still exploring my feelings and although i have moved on, that does not mean that there is not a place in my heart for compassion and forgiveness. She will need to EARN it!! I am feeling her emotions out to determine the next best action. I am an analyzer. I am a planner. So i look at all options first before making a final decision. She is gone. I know that. I am moving on, even with a spark in the back somewhere. 

it is difficult to really let go. Easy to say it or show it. my hearts is hanging on for dear life,lol


----------



## Dad&Hubby

DEguy said:


> My wife has been cheating, at least by phone, since july. A sexual affair started around september. In early october she said she was leaving and wanted to be on her own. At that point I knew nothing of another man. She even said there was no one else. after a week of trying she said she'd stay. She said she needed to take care of something. Turns out she went for an overnight with him to break up. That lasted all of 3 days and she told me a week later that she missed him. I still believed that they were not sexual. After 5 weeks of this I asked her straight up. " are you having sex with this man"? She said " I just thought you knew". I was so mad. Heres the thing: Our sex life was exciting and all the time. Like 5 times a week. This guy is in debt, not as attractive, makes less money and lives in a place he hates.
> 
> My wife tells me I'm the best lover ever, the best father ever, the best friend, and a very supportive husband. What is going on?
> 
> She claims to be so sad inside about where her life is going. I am too predictable in life, too content. We have a family and right now we are living that life. We vacationed last year 5 times. Hawaii, Arizona for golf, Disney cruise, Washington DC, Atlantic City. Mostly just the two of us.
> 
> She has stripped away everything that has ever loved her. All her longtime friends she's pushed away through the years. I am the last vein of love left in her life, and she is stomping on it with vigor.
> 
> I supported anything she wanted to do: Build homes, grow flowers, Play golf and work at a golf club(which she loves). She moves from one thing to the next as she gets sick of it or sees something else she wants. I supported that. She had this affair under the blanket of love and trust i provided and used it against me.
> 
> She wants a divorce. She sees better pastures. I asked her to stop the affair during our separation, and she said " what, I wont get to see him for 6 months"??
> 
> *How can i get this affair to end badly for her? I want her to snap out of this, but she won't.*
> 
> Please help.


Let it play its course. Seriously. Affairs only end up with the two people together 3% of the time.

MY concern is what you're going to do until then. Are you going to wait for her? Really? Is that the kind of man you want to be.


As a side note, any time I hear about a WS saying their life is too predictable/mundane etc. There's that twisted part of me that would love for the BS to smack the WS across the face as soon as that sentence ended. "How's that...was that exciting." LOL (not really, I'd never want to ACTUALLY see physical violence for multiple reasons, it's just one of those things that pops in my head).


----------



## LostViking

DEguy said:


> Ok i know, I still have compassion for her. Albeit misguided.
> 
> *She made a huge mistake*.
> 
> No. She made a choice. Again, and again, and again to cheat on you with another man. See, this is where you are letting your emotions fog your good judgement. You are too close emotionally to her to see the abject cruelty with which she is treating you. This is why you need to do a hard 180 on her and start detaching.
> 
> There is much to lose.
> 
> No, you have already lost. You've lost everything. Nothing left here. She blew it up, destroyed it.. A big smoking crater where your marriage once was.
> 
> I will hold my ground, but she needs to fix herself first, BEFORE i would ever consider taking her back. Nothing is a total loss until it is a total loss.
> 
> I disagree. When a woman vindictively goes out, has sex with another man, then comes home expecting comfort and hugs from her husband? .... all respect and love an compassion is lost. Gone. Finis.
> 
> I am still exploring my feelings and although i have moved on, that does not mean that there is not a place in my heart for compassion and forgiveness.
> 
> The only thing your heart shoud be doing is detaching.
> 
> She will need to EARN it!!
> 
> The only lucid idea you have had so far.
> 
> 
> I am feeling her emotions out to determine the next best action. *I am an analyzer. I am a planner*.
> 
> Then why are you looking at her emotions?. Trying to read a woman's emotions is nearly imposible when they are acting sane and stable. Your wife is a wreck. It would be like trying to read ancient Babylonian without a cypher.
> 
> Look at her actions: lying, cheating, running around having sex with another man, sucking up to you and asking for comfort... these are all the halmarks of an unrepntant cheat.
> 
> So i look at all options first before making a final decision. She is gone. I know that. I am moving on, even with a spark in the back somewhere.
> 
> it is difficult to really let go. Easy to say it or show it. my hearts is hanging on for dear life,lol
> 
> Fake it till you make it. Take a stand. No more huigs, no more comforting. No more talks about feelings and past mistakes.
> 
> Get the info to a lawyer, get the divorce goiong, get her served and get her the fvck out of your house as soon as humanly possible.
> 
> Hell the next time she disappears for the weekend, have her bags packed and waiting at the front door whn she gets back.


----------



## bfree

Totally agree with Viking here. This is a classic exit affair. She may regret her actions in a year or two but she'll continue to justify and rationalize until then. You shouldn't and can't wait for her to "come around." If you don't detach and move forward you'll just look weak and needy. Maybe after you divorce in a few years you can date again and see where it goes but this marriage is over. The clincher was her going to be with him. If you took her back now there is no way she could possibly respect you.


----------



## davecarter

CH said:


> She's not going to him for his brains...


My wife was the same: it was sex and excitement, all the way.
Classic MLC behaviour.


----------



## davecarter

LostViking said:


> No. She made a choice. Again, and again, and again to cheat on you with another man. See, this is where you are letting your emotions fog your good judgement. You are too close emotionally to her to see the abject cruelty with which she is treating you. This is why you need to do a hard 180 on her and start detaching.
> 
> You have already lost. You've lost everything. Nothing left here. She blew it up, destroyed it.. A big smoking crater where your marriage once was.
> 
> When a woman vindictively goes out, has sex with another man, then comes home expecting comfort and hugs from her husband? .... all respect and love an compassion is lost. Gone. Finis.
> 
> The only thing your heart shoud be doing is detaching.
> 
> Then why are you looking at her emotions?. Trying to read a woman's emotions is nearly imposible when they are acting sane and stable. Your wife is a wreck. It would be like trying to read ancient Babylonian without a cypher.
> 
> Look at her actions: lying, cheating, running around having sex with another man, sucking up to you and asking for comfort... these are all the halmarks of an unrepntant cheat.
> 
> Fake it till you make it. Take a stand. No more huigs, no more comforting. No more talks about feelings and past mistakes.
> 
> Get the info to a lawyer, get the divorce goiong, get her served and get her the fvck out of your house as soon as humanly possible.
> 
> Hell the next time she disappears for the weekend, have her bags packed and waiting at the front door whn she gets back.


Damn, Viking nailed this. :lol:


----------



## 6301

DEguy said:


> Ok i know, I still have compassion for her. Albeit misguided.
> 
> She made a huge mistake. There is much to lose. I will hold my ground, but she needs to fix herself first, BEFORE i would ever consider taking her back. Nothing is a total loss until it is a total loss.
> 
> I am still exploring my feelings and although i have moved on, that does not mean that there is not a place in my heart for compassion and forgiveness. She will need to EARN it!! I am feeling her emotions out to determine the next best action. I am an analyzer. I am a planner. So i look at all options first before making a final decision. She is gone. I know that. I am moving on, even with a spark in the back somewhere.
> 
> it is difficult to really let go. Easy to say it or show it. my hearts is hanging on for dear life,lol


 Your big mistake is having compassion for her because she doesn't have compassion for you.

If she's going off for a couple of days to be with the OM then you should tell her to not come back. Why in Gods name would you want a woman who goes off with another guy, sleep with him then come back to you. 

If you think she's learning any kind of lesson, your crazy. She's getting the beast of both worlds and your letting her. 

The only way she's going to snap out of her fantasy is by you swinging a real big hammer and bringing it down hard enough that she knows that she's stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

File for divorce. Let her know that she's a liar and a cheat and you won't tolerate it. Let everyone know what she has done. She did you wrong and expects you to play fair and be the nice guy. Nice guys finish last and if you don't believe me, read the threads in the CWI section of this forum and you'll see what happens when you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the situation. All in all, she made her bed, so let her sleep in it. She made it obvious that she only thinks of herself and you and you child come in second. That is not a wife or parent. You have a hammer. We all have one. It's time you start swinging it and real hard.


----------



## DEguy

We are not sleeping together or being sexual. She is gone mentally.

Today she says while crying, she knows that she will never find someone who loved her like i did, that she could tell anything to, that never judged her, that was as good a friend as i was. I just don't get it.


It is a low point for me right now. Trying not to look weak in front of her, but it is hard when she pulls at my heart. even though she says she still wants to go.

I can hardly stand it. It hurts so bad to know that I am not needed anymore. I am on a roller coaster. last night I was all in control, and today in the dumps. facing the truth that we are about to tell our daughter and I am going to break a promise with her. I told her we would never break up. I never thought we would. it royally sucks. She did this to us. but yet i feel like i take half responsibility when it comes to my daughter.

I want to get out from under the pain so bad i cant stand it. 
tomorrow will be better. i hope.


----------



## tdwal

First thing you need to do is quit listening to this, she is friend zoning you. Do the 180.


----------



## verpin zal

DEguy said:


> We are not sleeping together or being sexual. She is gone mentally.
> 
> *Today she says while crying, she knows that she will never find someone who loved her like i did,* that she could tell anything to, that never judged her, that was as good a friend as i was. I just don't get it.
> 
> 
> It is a low point for me right now. Trying not to look weak in front of her, but it is hard when she pulls at my heart. even though she says she still wants to go.
> 
> I can hardly stand it. It hurts so bad to know that I am not needed anymore. I am on a roller coaster. last night I was all in control, and today in the dumps. facing the truth that we are about to tell our daughter and I am going to break a promise with her. I told her we would never break up. I never thought we would. it royally sucks. She did this to us. but yet i feel like i take half responsibility when it comes to my daughter.
> 
> I want to get out from under the pain so bad i cant stand it.
> tomorrow will be better. i hope.


One of my skanky girlfriends had said that exact same thing to me too.

Its translation is roughly "I don't need love, I need chaos and drama".

The following "he who doesn't judge me, what more of a friend could a woman ask" clearly states that-

If you are not a bad boy, you are way outta her league. She's gone.

It's time to let her go and build a life for yourself and your kid.


----------



## sandc

Your wife is broken internally. She has some sort of problem with contentment. Either it scares her and she shies away from it or she can never achieve it and is always searching for it.

Have you checked out the 180? (sorry, I skimmed your thread) If not you need to do that.

Why are you fixated on her? You are needed. You are needed by your kid(s). AND... you are needed by the next woman in your life. You want this to become real to her? Leave the divorce paperwork next to the computer and leave a web page open to a dating site with a really hot girl's picture on it. Let her know that you do not NEED her. Show her by your actions that you will be just fine without her. Don't cry, don't talk about old times. Look forward to new times when the next significant woman in your life is climbing all over you naked. Needing you, wanting you. That WILL happen. I'll stake Tom67's life on it.  Sorry Tom.

One more thing, let her know that you will be coparents but you will not be friends. Friends don't do what she's done to each other. You don't need a friend like that.


----------



## MattMatt

DEguy said:


> mattmatt,
> 
> I am unsure of the custody laws, but I have no intention of keeping her from my daughter. I promised to never disparage my w to my daughter. That is a promise i will take to the grave.
> 
> *She is a good mother *and my daughter needs her....now if she says she does not want to move because of this guy, then so be it. then i will need to go all in. Because i am the primary care giver, she has agreed that i get the lions share of everything. Split the house. I hope she stays reasonable.


No. She is not. She is a bad mother, in reality.

And she probably will remain reasonable... *until she decides not to be.*


----------



## LostViking

DEguy said:


> We are not sleeping together or being sexual. She is gone mentally.
> 
> Good. Never sleep with the enemy.
> 
> Today she says while crying, she knows that she will never find someone who loved her like i did, that she could tell anything to, that never judged her, that was as good a friend as i was. I just don't get it.
> 
> When she starts doing this, wordlessly get up and walk out of the room. This is the first tenent of the 180. Do not engage emotionally.
> 
> It is a low point for me right now. Trying not to look weak in front of her, but it is hard when she pulls at my heart. even though she says she still wants to go.
> 
> When you feel the frog in your throat and your eyes starting to tear up, get up and wordlessly walk out of the room. Refuse to engage. After a while she will get the hint and stop doing this.
> 
> I can hardly stand it. It hurts so bad to know that I am not needed anymore. I am on a roller coaster. last night I was all in control, and today in the dumps. facing the truth that we are about to tell our daughter and I am going to break a promise with her. I told her we would never break up. I never thought we would. it royally sucks. She did this to us. but yet i feel like i take half responsibility when it comes to my daughter.
> 
> Yes she did do this to you. So you need to stay away from her... as much space as you can make. Now is a good time to get a membership at a gym and just plan on being there in the evenings while she watches your kid. Make reasons to be gone in the evenings. Go somewhere this weekend by yourself and make her watch your child. Stop being her babysitter!  Don't take her calls, don't tell her where you are. It is none of her business anymore. You need to make it clear to her through your actions that the marriage relationship has ended, along with all the perks that go with it.
> 
> I want to get out from under the pain so bad i cant stand it.
> tomorrow will be better. i hope.
> 
> It won't be better until you take active steps to make it better for yourself.


----------



## unheld

DEguy said:


> Ok i know, I still have compassion for her. Albeit misguided.
> 
> She made a huge mistake. There is much to lose. I will hold my ground, but she needs to fix herself first, BEFORE i would ever consider taking her back. Nothing is a total loss until it is a total loss.
> 
> I am still exploring my feelings and although i have moved on, that does not mean that there is not a place in my heart for compassion and forgiveness. She will need to EARN it!! I am feeling her emotions out to determine the next best action. I am an analyzer. I am a planner. So i look at all options first before making a final decision. She is gone. I know that. I am moving on, even with a spark in the back somewhere.
> 
> it is difficult to really let go. Easy to say it or show it. my hearts is hanging on for dear life,lol


DEGuy... stay the course. Nothing wrong with having compassion for someone you spent such a long time with as long as you continue doing what is best for you and taking care of yourself.

Please take in ALL the advice here and use what works for you. There are a lot of people who have never recovered from their own betrayals and who seem to be filled with intense hatred sometimes. Some of their advice seems to be projections of actions they wish they had taken when they were being cheated upon and some advice is just downright mean.

You sound like you are doing the right thing and it will be hard because you have a lot of history together. When you start feeling yourself weakening or feeling low and depressed reach out to other people for help and comfort, whether it is here or IRL.

Good luck to you


----------



## workindad

Definitely do a hard 180 for yourself. You will be so much better off once you start down that road.

She feeds off of drama. Poor her, she'll never get another you to love her... blah, blah, blah. Start the pity party for her?? WTF.

You can do better just being alone without her disrespectful nonsense in your life.


----------



## 6301

DEguy said:


> It is a low point for me right now. Trying not to look weak in front of her, but it is hard when she pulls at my heart. even though she says she still wants to go.


 OK. I want you to think of this. She pulls at your heart right? Close your eyes for a minuet and think of her with the OM and imagine what body part she pulling with the OM. 

You think she was thinking f you when she undressed, got in bed and had sex with the OM? Think she was thinking of you and your heart? The last thing she was thinking of was you because her only thought was for the OM. 

You think she's pulling at your heart. Wrong. She yanking your chain and doing a real good job of it too.

What you should do is hand her a suitcase full of clothes and tell her to go sleep with the loser who lives down the road. You can't give her the luxury of letting her straddle the fence. She needs to be boxed in so tight that there is no wiggle room at all. The longer you let this go, the harder it will be for you. 

You have to grow a steel spine and make it tough on her or you will lose big time. She's good at her game and you just getting introduced to it.


----------



## Chaparral

LostViking said:


> Don't ever do this again.
> 
> Never, ever, ever give succor to a cheater. This woman spent two days spreading her legs for another man and you let her lay down next to you and snuggle?
> 
> Really?!
> 
> Do not allow her to share your bed. She can sleep on the couch. You should not even be engaging with her, except to talk about the divorce and division of assets.


Good lord, I thought I was going to puke when I read that.


----------



## Chaparral

Her "mistake" was cold, calculated, cold, remorseless, cold, heartless and above all sadistic. Her wanting to lie down with you was just rubbing it in. Sad? Then why would she keep doing it, hats ridiculous. She gets off on seeing how much you want her no matter how she uses you. She's playing you like acheap drum.

Quit the analysis paralysis and admit what she is telling you, she's a ...........


----------



## DEguy

We told our daughter tonight. I never cried so hard. 


I am so so angry. My daughter cried for an hour. wanted to know if she could do anything to change our minds. I died at that moment.


I hate her so much. no chance of her returning now. all done.


----------



## Thorburn

Man this suc*s. Sorry you are here. They should still allow stoning.


----------



## warlock07

DEguy said:


> Ok i know, I still have compassion for her. Albeit misguided.
> 
> She made a huge mistake. There is much to lose. I will hold my ground, but she needs to fix herself first, BEFORE i would ever consider taking her back. Nothing is a total loss until it is a total loss.
> 
> I am still exploring my feelings and although i have moved on, that does not mean that there is not a place in my heart for compassion and forgiveness. She will need to EARN it!! I am feeling her emotions out to determine the next best action. I am an analyzer. I am a planner. So i look at all options first before making a final decision. She is gone. I know that. I am moving on, even with a spark in the back somewhere.
> 
> it is difficult to really let go. Easy to say it or show it. my hearts is hanging on for dear life,lol


Compassion or forgiveness given without being asked for is looked down upon. It is not valued or respected and is often humiliating to see them rejecting the "forgiveness". 

She came back after visiting her lover and spews this bullsh!t FFS!!

She is just having these "heartfelt " talks to save your ego and feel less guilty about what she is doing.

Stop talking to her about your relationship/ Any talk you have must be about divorce or the kid. 

Read the 180 and start implementing it


----------



## DEguy

This is the thing, 2 and a half weeks ago she asked me to take her back and forgive her. I did that. Then after 3 days she became withdrawn and emotionless. gravitating toward the other guy. Sucks so bad. 


I apparently smother her. Such crap. hope her new life is filled with empty space. And a man who is half of what I am.

180 in motion


----------



## tom67

DEguy said:


> This is the thing, 2 and a half weeks ago she asked me to take her back and forgive her. I did that. Then after 3 days she became withdrawn and emotionless. gravitating toward the other guy. Sucks so bad.
> 
> 
> I apparently smother her. Such crap. hope her new life is filled with empty space. And a man who is half of what I am.
> 
> 180 in motion


It will get better.
xw 42 me 46
gf 28
My daughter thinks she's cool.
xw eh...


----------



## tom67

You have to read married mans sex life primer.


----------



## 3putt

Did you tell your child WHY you are divorcing and with whom she is deserting her family for? 10 yrs old is plenty old enough to know the real reason her family is imploding and the name of the POSOM that's complicit in this.

Don't think for one second she's too young to figure this out on her own, and when she does, she just might resent YOU for not being truthful with her. Kids learn from their parents, and they don't forget when they've been deceived and outright lied to. 

Which lessons in life do want her to learn and follow......yours, or your WW's?


----------



## tom67

3putt said:


> Did you tell your child WHY you are divorcing and with whom she is deserting her family for? 10 yrs old is plenty old enough to know the real reason her family is imploding and the name of the POSOM that's complicit in this.
> 
> Don't think for one second she's too young to figure this out on her own, and when she does, she just might resent YOU for not being truthful with her. Kids learn from their parents, and they don't forget when they've been deceived and outright lied to.
> 
> Which lessons in life do want her to learn and follow......yours, or your WW's?


:iagree:
Read whyme's thread.
His w moved out and got knocked up by another man.
His d wants nothing to do with her.
She is old enough to know what's going on.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Hey DEguy..

Take it from a guy that suffered through 4 months of fake Reconciliation at the cost of 3500 dollars and then just to find out she was leaving after I had to brow beat her into telling me about the Xmas present I figured out she bought for him ( I hate carhart jackets now )..


Nonetheless it took her another 4 months to leave me AND the my 2 boys.. She tortured me until she left.. Nothing tells you fvck you like seeing your ex wife phone ring with the contact picture being a picture of them hugging during the affair. Then having your wife pick up the phone walk into another room giggling and then leaving to go fvck this other man and then come back home.. 

I cannot begin to tell you the begging and crying I did.. I would have eaten the sh1t off the floor and cut off my right arm to have her back.. When that didn't happen I decided I couldn't live anymore and started figuring out how to kill myself.. 

My 13 year old son coming into my bed room crying made me man up.. I couldn't let my son be with this piece of sh1t of a woman and piece of sh1t other man.. 

That was 11 months ago.. Today I am sick of dating.. 

As far as comparing man to man.. It doesn't matter.. 

I'm a Detective just starting my 24th year.. I have a promotion that pays me like a sergeant and make about 145k a year now..

I have a home and my 2 boys stay with me.. 

This other man has nothing and is a foot shorter then me and 10 years older then me..

It still didn't stop my Ex from leaving here and moving in with him..

Trust me you wish you could do anything to fix this but you just can't... It is the most helpless feeling in the world.. I just never felt so not in control.. 

There is no magic bullet or potion or spell that can fix this.. If there were I would have taken or done it already.. 

The only thing that helps you makes sense of this all is time.. There is NOTHING here that anyone will tell you that will help you except time.. 

Months later you will realize what people were saying and that they made sense when they did. But you just couldn't grasp it at that/this time.. 

Give her the divorce and don't ever show her you are hurting.. Bite your lip until it bleeds.. Go to your moms and cry.. But don't ever show her your hurting.. Ever.. 

I thank god that my wife was cruel and ruthless with me. If she would have dragged me along I would have happily followed for a very long time.. 

Today I can tell you I love her or loved her and I forgave her for the affair.. 

BUT I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HER FOR WHAT SHE DID AFTERWARDS AND HOW SHE TREATED ME BEFORE SHE LEFT..

I was a piece of garbage to her to be kicked around and tossed aside.. I was her joke at night with her boyfriend.. How they laughed when they go together and pretending to break up just to make me and the therapist believe.. It must have been the running joke between them.. 

This will change you forever and it will feel TONS worse before it gets better.. I have NEVER felt such pain in my whole life.. I never cried this long EVER.. 5 months I cried every day.. several times a day.. I look back today and wonder how I survived.. 

But in the end.. 

This was better for me.. I just didn't see it then..

My story is in my signature.. labeled mymistake..


----------



## JadedHusband

What a dreadful human being and even worse of a mother. Give her the divorce and wish her happiness and then she will suffer for the choices that she's made. If I was you I wouldn't expend too much energy cleaning up her image in the eyes of your daughter. Your stbxw should experience the whole family knowing her for what she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

The best revenge truly is living well. It will take time to get past the hurt but you will come out better. She will not.


----------



## DEguy

Cant sleep. She, in bed with my daughter sleeping soundly. 

What a mess.


----------



## jnj express

DE---GET HER OUT OF THE HOUSE IF YOU CAN----she is manipulating you---and it will not get any better, if she is in your house.

She legally has a right to be in the home---but maybe she doesn't know that, or won't push it, if you demand she leaves

She is wrecking your life---even as she goes off to be with her lover----you have to harden up, and stand tall----you MUST---go DARK---on her---she full well knows what she is doing to you---AND SHE DOES NOT CARE

You need to be there for your daughter, and that means your daughter needs to see you not falling apart--but standing up to this, and showing you can and will go forward

I know this is hard---but you have to know that you are nothing but sloppy 2nds for your wife---she loves her OM, and you have been replaced---you have to act accordingly, and get thru this, no matter how hard it is.----see if you can get into an IC----and start working to rebuild yourself.-----good luck, and no matter what---STAND TALL----you are way better than a thousand OM.


----------



## Chaparral

If you want to move to Fla, you need to talk to attorneys where you live and in Fla about divorcing your wife.

If you divorce where you live, and she changes her mind, gets angry, etc. ,she can keep you from taking your daughter ou of state. If you divorce in Fla there may be much less favorable settlement, alimony terms.

I think you are in still in the denial and bargaining stages of grief. You need to hold on to your anger and be sly to move on. Time to start playing her like a cheap drum.

Check out your md for yourself and ptsd counseling. Get somenew clothes ,haircut, and start weight training or some kind of conditioning. The hormones this releases are great for your mind/attitude.

Get your daughter into counseling too.

Treat your wife like a witch. Stay away from her whenever you can, tell her it would be better for eveyone if she would just go ahead and leave. Be nice, don't make her mad until the divorce is final.


----------



## Chaparral

What I would really do is everything I could do to wreck their world. Starting with putting him on cheaterville.com. That won't help his situation at at all having that pop up everytime his name is googled.


----------



## LongWalk

Don't take your wife too seriously now. Do not give the impression that you going to morph into a nice guy ex.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## DEguy

Better today. She is going to be living elsewhere, but spending time her with my daughter. I am being cordial in front of my daughter. I want her to see us as "friends and parents" but not as lovers. 

It is a very fine line to walk. I am 180'ing now, prob at about the 90 mark so far. 

I do work out already, am very physically fit and dress nicely too.

My heart rate has been so high for 8 weeks, its like im running all the time. 

My daughter was fine this morning. asked a few questions but otherwise seemed like herself. We even wrestled like we always do with a pretty good sock fight in there too. very fun. She is an amazing human being for which i am proud to be her father. 

I have my eye on her, the prize, and she is the only thing I car about. 

I am seeing my atty today. My W and i worked out a financial agreement that I am having drawn up and legalized. I need her to stay the course with this thinking until i get her to sign the paperwork. I may not have it till next week sometime. 

So i will go along for now, going dark but not being a **** about anything. It is the only way now. Soon she will not be sleeping here and i wont see her so much which is good. A few more days is all. I can do that.


----------



## Rottdad42

DG, a lot of guys here are giving you solid advice. I was reading your comments on what you are doing in regards to her. Again these guys are telling you what you need to do for a reason. Don't let her come to you in bed after being gone and snuggle, gross man. That behavior is just the worst. That means she has zero respect for you. You lick her to the couch. She has lost all "wife" rights. She no longer gets to have what other people here have respectfully earned and deserve. Quite a few WW spouses go this route. Yuck! 
I understand how hard it must be to tell your kids, this is not easy, but it's not your burden carry, it should have been your wife to tell them, that's where the responsibility lies. I would have told her to tell them. That is the price to pay. I'm sorry you had to do that. I would have broke down and cried and for me that doesn't come easy. You talk about heart strings. Keep coming back here man, we will help you and your kids through this mess. BTW, food for thought, the kids might need a little help with this, professionally speaking. I had a friend that brought his 13 yo for some counseling, it helped in some respects. Good luck to you. Remember the 180 is for you, not her.


----------



## LongWalk

Rottdad42 said:


> DG, a lot of guys here are giving you solid advice. I was reading your comments on what you are doing in regards to her. Again these guys are telling you what you need to do for a reason. *Don't let her come to you in bed after being gone and snuggle, gross man. That behavior is just the worst. That means she has zero respect for you. You lick her to the couch. She has lost all "wife" rights. She no longer gets to have what other people here have respectfully earned and deserve. Quite a few WW spouses go this route. Yuck! *
> I understand how hard it must be to tell your kids, this is not easy, but it's not your burden carry, it should have been your wife to tell them, that's where the responsibility lies. I would have told her to tell them. That is the price to pay. I'm sorry you had to do that. I would have broke down and cried and for me that doesn't come easy. You talk about heart strings. Keep coming back here man, we will help you and your kids through this mess. BTW, food for thought, the kids might need a little help with this, professionally speaking. I had a friend that brought his 13 yo for some counseling, it helped in some respects. Good luck to you. Remember the 180 is for you, not her.


Bolded part rings true. Cut communication with her down to email/text about your daughter. When she calls don't answer. Just text back: "How can I help you?"


----------



## LostViking

LongWalk said:


> Bolded part rings true. Cut communication with her down to email/text about your daughter. When she calls don't answer. Just text back: "How can I help you?"


Beautiful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## missthelove2013

There are NO better pastures...only different pastures...sounds like she will tire of the new pasture as well

dont listen to any excuses she gives you for the affair...these excused arent what caused the affair, they are reasons she came up with to JUSTIFY the affair...the reasons are the same as when anyone cheats, she has the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome...


----------



## DEguy

Yes she does have the grass is greener syndrome! Sunday she was seriously sad because I had been cold to her since wed. She expressed that her OM wont last. He is digging his own grave, whatever that means. I asker her what she wanted from me??? I said "you are getting everything you want" She said, that is a good question, what do i want from you? Its like shes on the fence. She asked for more time to work it out. WTF?? 

She is pretty much out of the house except in the evening to be with my daughter, She may stay tonight as I am going out. And of course she is staying with the OM for the weekend. It is disgusting to think what is going on. She wants me to be close, so she can rope me in when necessary. I am not doing that anymore. If she dumps him, maybe there is something to discuss.

until then I am cold to her. And she is out with a woman tonight who is a terrible influence on her and nudges her to do the wrong thing. I hate this woman. I needed allies that are pro marriage and push for working things out.

No such luck.


----------



## Chaparral

DEguy said:


> Yes she does have the grass is greener syndrome! Sunday she was seriously sad because I had been cold to her since wed. She expressed that her OM wont last. He is digging his own grave, whatever that means. I asker her what she wanted from me??? I said "you are getting everything you want" She said, that is a good question, what do i want from you? Its like shes on the fence. She asked for more time to work it out. WTF??
> 
> She is pretty much out of the house except in the evening to be with my daughter, She may stay tonight as I am going out. And of course she is staying with the OM for the weekend. It is disgusting to think what is going on. She wants me to be close, so she can rope me in when necessary. I am not doing that anymore. If she dumps him, maybe there is something to discuss.
> 
> until then I am cold to her. And she is out with a woman tonight who is a terrible influence on her and nudges her to do the wrong thing. I hate this woman. I needed allies that are pro marriage and push for working things out.
> 
> No such luck.


Have you got your attorney working on it? Only talk to her about divorce and kids. If you have to try and win her back you are doing everything wrong. She has to think you are moving on. Instead you ask her what she wants. At least make her think the two of you are done. Start leaving and make her babysit while you, at least look like you are out partying up with pretty girls.

Did you read mmslp? Sure doesn't sound like it. If you are going to wimp out just tell your lawyer to get it over with.


----------



## doubletrouble

DEguy said:


> She wants me to be close, so she can rope me in when necessary. I am not doing that anymore. If she dumps him, maybe there is something to discuss.
> 
> until then I am cold to her.


No, there isn't. There's nothing to discuss. You are a doormat if you act otherwise. Finalize the divorce. get your life back together. Move. Wait this out for a year, then see how your feelings are. Right now, you should not be thinking anything less, because she's shown she thinks nothing of you. 

I am usually pro-R, despite the odds, and am working on one myself. But had there been no remorse, and she kept seeing that POSOM, there would be nothing here for her at all. Ever again.


----------



## tom67

doubletrouble said:


> No, there isn't. There's nothing to discuss. You are a doormat if you act otherwise. Finalize the divorce. get your life back together. Move. Wait this out for a year, then see how your feelings are. Right now, you should not be thinking anything less, because she's shown she thinks nothing of you.
> 
> I am usually pro-R, despite the odds, and am working on one myself. But had there been no remorse, and she kept seeing that POSOM, there would be nothing here for her at all. Ever again.


Tell her if she stays with him this weekend you are filing simple as that.
Better yet pack her stuff in garbage bags and leave them for her.
That's the only chance you have to change things.


----------



## dogman

DEguy said:


> Yes she does have the grass is greener syndrome! Sunday she was seriously sad because I had been cold to her since wed. She expressed that her OM wont last. He is digging his own grave, whatever that means. I asker her what she wanted from me??? I said "you are getting everything you want" She said, that is a good question, what do i want from you? Its like shes on the fence. She asked for more time to work it out. WTF??
> 
> She is pretty much out of the house except in the evening to be with my daughter, She may stay tonight as I am going out. And of course she is staying with the OM for the weekend. It is disgusting to think what is going on. She wants me to be close, so she can rope me in when necessary. I am not doing that anymore. If she dumps him, maybe there is something to discuss.
> 
> until then I am cold to her. And she is out with a woman tonight who is a terrible influence on her and nudges her to do the wrong thing. I hate this woman. I needed allies that are pro marriage and push for working things out.
> 
> No such luck.


You would actually wait for him to be done screwing your wife and then discuss R with her. You're a door mat if you go this route. She will never respect you if you're willing to be the fallback guy.
You are entirely too nice to her and the OM has no fear of you.


----------



## mahike

My friend I am sorry you are going through this but stop being a doormat. Why would you let her stay at the house and spend the weekend screwing her f buddy.

Sorry my friend but you have to be tougher then you are. File for D and have her served. 

Make plans that are for you and not for her.


----------



## verpin zal

"If she dumps him, maybe there is something to discuss."

With this attitude of yours, dumping won't matter. There will be OM2. OM3. OM4.

Until such time that you realize you've been replaced and don't exist.

You're still in search of something to discuss? Yeah, here: Why is she spending an entire weekend with her new toy without any consequences?

Discuss it with us, we're listening.


----------



## LostViking

Doormat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

Put the OM on Cheaterville. That will help to end the affair.


----------



## DEguy

Well, there was sort of an intervention by her mom and one of the only friends she has, well old friend anyway. 

My wife finally agreed she was wrong, she was selfish and it has been all about her. She called him and told him no more contact. She said she needed to figure this out for herself, but by herself. He was sad, but said if this is what you need to do for your daughter, then this is what you need to do. She agreed to therapy for her behavior and has first appt tomorrow. I told her to remove all her stuff from my room, closet and bathroom. She did. She admitted that she was sooooo selfish and that she has done nothing for anyone. She said she was a train wreck. I agreed. I told her she had an addictive personalty. She nodded. 

At least she's getting help. Who knows? I told her she will never be a part of my life again. And that the lies must end now. She agreed. I hope therapy can relinquish all her intimacy issues. I believe she does not know how to love. She does not know how to give of herself or put anyone before her. It is a problem but with therapy highly correctable. she has been so mean to everyone about this whole thing. I believe she was melting down.

Her mom is still hurting.

That's the update.


----------



## Philat

_ He was sad, but said if this is what you need to do for your daughter, then this is what you need to do._

What a noble, selfless man he must be........


----------



## mahike

Well how are you doing? My experience and it seems most BS's here you are going through ups and downs with your emotions. Have you thought about IC for yourself?

The only way I could sleep for the first couple of months was self medicating with good ol Jameson. That is not a good plan. I saw my Doctor right away for an STD test but I lied about sleeping and eating to him. A few months later he talked to me about diet exercise and then gave me something to sleep.

I really hit a low spot when I was checked for STD. The nurse took my blood and my doctor checked my package. All I can think of what a low spot.

Tell us how you are doing.


----------



## BobSimmons

DEguy said:


> Well, there was sort of an intervention by her mom and one of the only friends she has, well old friend anyway.
> 
> My wife finally agreed she was wrong, she was selfish and it has been all about her. She called him and told him no more contact. She said she needed to figure this out for herself, but by herself. He was sad, but said if this is what you need to do for your daughter, then this is what you need to do. She agreed to therapy for her behavior and has first appt tomorrow. I told her to remove all her stuff from my room, closet and bathroom. She did. She admitted that she was *sooooo* selfish and that she has done nothing for anyone. She said she was a train wreck. I agreed. I told her she had an addictive personalty. She nodded.
> 
> At least she's getting help. Who knows? I told her she will never be a part of my life again. And that the lies must end now. She agreed. I hope therapy can relinquish all her intimacy issues. I believe she does not know how to love. She does not know how to give of herself or put anyone before her. It is a problem but with therapy highly correctable. she has been so mean to everyone about this whole thing. I believe she was melting down.
> 
> Her mom is still hurting.
> 
> That's the update.


pressed that o too long sport...


----------



## DEguy

I am doing better.

I feel like I am getting more rest. My appetite is better. I am down about 14 pounds since this started, but I feel great. I exercise regularly, and I do see a therapist who claims this is one of the most unusual cases she's seen in thousands of cases. I have focused on my daughter very much and spend as much time as I can, when my wife does not have her. She is precious to me. 

My therapist describes my wife as in a crises situation and not understanding how to love. She believes she's not fallen out of love, but cannot figure out how to let herself love. This other man is just a superficial chemical addiction. He shows her a new picture, but it would fade quickly. She saw my wife one time, but is making opinion based on my statement which are very introspective and objective. I guess my wife's new therapist, with 30 years experience in depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues, will be taking over. I hope the best for her.


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## TDSC60

You keep dodging the question of divorce.

Are you going to live in limbo until SHE DECIDES WHAT SHE WANTS?

Or are you going to grow a pair?


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## workindad

I wish you well and I honestly believe your best chance to get past this and move on is to take firm action.

Do you notice a pattern? When you firm up your resolve she chases you. When you respond, she goes to spend the weekend with OM. Maybe I'm reading into it...

File, continue with the hard 180. Things will work out. Either she gets her head out of her arse or you move forward rebuilding your life.

She needs significant and profound reflection to truly want lasting change and I doubt the intervention will be enough to make it stick.

She was already willing to toss her family away for a guy she knew wouldn't last. He won't be the last OM and may not even be the first.

Please take care of yourself and your child. Make a plan and stick to it.

Good luck
WD


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## LongWalk

> I still believed that they were not sexual. After 5 weeks of this I asked her straight up. " are you having sex with this man"? She said *"I just thought you knew"*.


This was very telling. She feels so close to you that she assumes that you read her mind and almost perceive her pain as your own. It will be interesting to see if the therapist labels her with some personality disorder.

Given the pattern in your relationship – you fulfilling all the empty holes by giving her everything that she wanted to make herself happy, but those things never proving adequate to the task – you empowered her to go further in this immature selfishness.

I can fully empathize with the hatred that sprang up when your daughter had to suffer the consequences. Your wife suddenly displayed her wanton disregard for everyone. She is setting herself up for a tremendous crash. How can her AP give her happiness? He cannot. She seems also to know this.

It is clear for example that your daughter will never accept the AP as any sort of step parent, given his role as the agent of your wife's madness. So, does your wife have any sort of pleasant future in store for herself?

The therapist seems to think she will be begging to come home soon enough. Reconcilation with such an egotist would be difficult. At this point you must simply detach and excommunicate her from your life. Cut off all money and convenience.


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## davecarter

DEguy said:


> Yes she does have the grass is greener syndrome! Sunday she was seriously sad because I had been cold to her since wed. *She expressed that her OM wont last. He is digging his own grave, whatever that means.* I asker her what she wanted from me??? I said "you are getting everything you want" She said, that is a good question, what do i want from you? Its like shes on the fence. She asked for more time to work it out. WTF??
> 
> She is pretty much out of the house except in the evening to be with my daughter, *She may stay tonight as I am going out. And of course she is staying with the OM for the weekend. It is disgusting to think what is going on.* She wants me to be close, so she can rope me in when necessary. I am not doing that anymore. If she dumps him, maybe there is something to discuss.
> 
> No such luck.


Same with my wife and OM when it was 'losing steam': she knew that it wasn't going to last and maybe the grass wasn't greener (just a different shade)...and yet, she'd still go and stay with him every weekend.

Simply put, it's all down to sex.


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## happyman64

DEGuy

I have a question for you.

You called your wife "the love of your life".

What do you think of her now?


And as much as you love her, care for her you need to show her serious consequences.

Not just moving out of the bedroom.

Because your wife is so selfish if you do not give her real, painful consequences she will just do this again.

Have you been tested for std's???

Have you asked her if she has had other affairs before this man?

You have been great through this ordeal. Your D is lucky to have you.

Now stay firm, keep the discussions focused on the divorce and daughter.

HM


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## Chaparral

You need to ice this cake. Put the om on cheaterville.com and send him the link. Otherwise he will have no problem sniffing around and messing up your wifes recovery. Show him you also have some balls. This also has a good chance of saving other families from his mess.

Good luck to you and your family, I hope everything goes up from here.


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## LongWalk

DEguy,

To get the best outcome for your daughter, you and your wife you need to be really different. Instead being permissive you must be strict with her. The way that you divorce her will influence her post divorce behavior. She needs to feel a lot of pain. She will actually enjoy suffering because many who knowingly and willfully screw up are relieved to find moral order restored.

If you have any fantasies of reconciliation – and that is human – they will make much more sense if she has to solve some of the problems she is creating.

How much does she make working at the golf course?


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## DEguy

She is not living here any more. I believe she was shocked when I told her to move all her stuff out. She even wrote that she was being kicked out of her own house. I laughed. I told her this is what you wanted, so go do it! 

We are still moving forward with the divorce. I do not talk with her other than our daughter and of course monday with all the talk of selfishness and needing help. I am cold to her. I wished her the best for therapy. I do want it to help her. Not so much for return, but for our continued raising of our daughter.

I feel she is seeing her personality picture a bit more clear now. Before the intervention, she believes she is entitled to do anything she wants. She has backed down from that, but without therapy she will just return to entitlement. I will ask her about her therapy and when she's going next. thats so I can keep an eye on her progress. 


I told her that if she wanted to spend time with her daughter, maybe she should make her a priority. I believe that helped turn her around a bit. 

I am doing the 180. R, however is only a consideration for a distant future after recovery and proof from her. I will move forward no matter what. If I find a new relationship, then too bad for her. We are moving at the end of spring. It will be a period of no companionship for me, and that sucks. I am traveling to our new location this week, and hoping to make a few connections there over the next few months of searching for a new home. That is my best bet for a new love. Not here where I live now. 

She has ruined a perfectly good family for selfish intentions. Those of which I unknowingly nurtured. I never thought this crisis would happen to a proportion like this. At least she is not seeing him anymore and no she has not had any other affairs. I feel less stress knowing that she sits at her house like I do here wishing things were different. Its not reasonable for her to have any joy right now. She needs to suffer like the rest of the family, including her parents and friends who she's hurt badly.

I believe she will snap back into reality, but when? I will not wait for her. My therapist claims if I wait for her, wait no longer than a year. I said I will watch her for 3 months, thats it. But will move on in the meantime.


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## happyman64

Good update DE Guy.

Sad but good.

Sorry that i msinterpreted her moving her stuff out of the bedroom to another room.

I think it is good you threw her out. Sometimes a WS needs to be thrown out as a consequence for the lying, trickle truth and the old "i thought you knew i was having sex with my boyfriend" line.

She forgot she took vows and was married.

Hopefully she will remember she is a Mom.

Yes your wife is selfish. She is also narcissistic.

Not easy to deal with but you are dealing with it the only way you know how.

By moving on.

Keep us updated and keep the faith. Life will get better. I have no doubt you will find a new companion that is beautiful, compassionate and has a conscious.

HM


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## Acabado

Please, make her sign over the doted line. ASAP.
Protect yourself and your daughter.

I must make a sad prediction, she won't last NC with OM, as he's the only one who can snap her of the depressed state she chose for herself... which will reignite the affair. Very soon, if not already, Remember she already went back once only to "leave" three days later.


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## Hicks

Unless you did something wrong as a husband, there is nothing to work on. Nothing that you can repair. It's just a personality flaw she has....

Look at it from an affair that a man has. Some men are just bum's who cheat even though their wives are sexually willing. Some men cheat in part becuase their wife was withholding sex. The former cannot be fixed. Bums are bums. The latter can "possibly" be fixed, since there was some behaviour on the part of the wife that contributed... 

Doesn't seem like you contributed here... Looks like she is just "a bum".... Waiting for that to turn around is not a good strategy.


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## nuclearnightmare

DEguy said:


> She is not living here any more. I believe she was shocked when I told her to move all her stuff out. She even wrote that she was being kicked out of her own house. I laughed. I told her this is what you wanted, so go do it!
> 
> We are still moving forward with the divorce. I do not talk with her other than our daughter and of course monday with all the talk of selfishness and needing help. I am cold to her. I wished her the best for therapy. I do want it to help her. Not so much for return, but for our continued raising of our daughter.
> 
> I feel she is seeing her personality picture a bit more clear now. Before the intervention, she believes she is entitled to do anything she wants. She has backed down from that, but without therapy she will just return to entitlement. I will ask her about her therapy and when she's going next. thats so I can keep an eye on her progress.
> 
> 
> I told her that if she wanted to spend time with her daughter, maybe she should make her a priority. I believe that helped turn her around a bit.
> 
> I am doing the 180. R, however is only a consideration for a distant future after recovery and proof from her. I will move forward no matter what. If I find a new relationship, then too bad for her. We are moving at the end of spring. It will be a period of no companionship for me, and that sucks. I am traveling to our new location this week, and hoping to make a few connections there over the next few months of searching for a new home. That is my best bet for a new love. Not here where I live now.
> 
> She has ruined a perfectly good family for selfish intentions. Those of which I unknowingly nurtured. I never thought this crisis would happen to a proportion like this. At least she is not seeing him anymore and no she has not had any other affairs. I feel less stress knowing that she sits at her house like I do here wishing things were different. Its not reasonable for her to have any joy right now. She needs to suffer like the rest of the family, including her parents and friends who she's hurt badly.
> 
> I believe she will snap back into reality, but when? I will not wait for her. My therapist claims if I wait for her, wait no longer than a year. I said I will watch her for 3 months, thats it. But will move on in the meantime.



I don't think it's very easy for people to get over their selfishness and and feelings of "entittlement" via therapy. Years at best, if ever. These things are part of their character.


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## barbados

barbados said:


> So after all the garbage your spoiled, entitled, cheating wife has put you through, you are going to REWARD her by moving to a place where SHE wants to live so she can GOLF YEAR ROUND (and with every round of golf, she can have a round of cheating). YIKES !!!!
> 
> This woman will be sticking it to you for the rest of your life, because YOU allow her to !
> 
> And for the record, she is a TERRIBLE MOTHER.


Still don't understand why you are moving somewhere that so benefits HER ????


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## DEguy

I get where you are coming from….I did not choose Florida for her, but for me knowing she would follow. I want her to be in my daughter's life. But I cannot live in this town any longer. My wife is welcome to stay here, but I am taking my daughter with me. I will not live where it is cold any longer. I need to find a place with a new set of friends and access to fit people and year round outdoor activities.

So, if she likes it too, so be it. But I am not doing this for her.


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## Clay2013

DEguy said:


> I get where you are coming from….I did not choose Florida for her, but for me knowing she would follow. I want her to be in my daughter's life. But I cannot live in this town any longer. My wife is welcome to stay here, but I am taking my daughter with me. I will not live where it is cold any longer. I need to find a place with a new set of friends and access to fit people and year round outdoor activities.
> 
> So, if she likes it too, so be it. But I am not doing this for her.


There is nothing wrong with wanting a new fresh start. I would like to go see Florida someday as well. Not sure I want to live there but I hear its a fun place to be. 

Clay


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## TDSC60

I am betting the moment you land in Florida, the OM and your wife will be making plans to meet.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison

DEguy said:


> I get where you are coming from….I did not choose Florida for her, but for me knowing she would follow. I want her to be in my daughter's life. But I cannot live in this town any longer. My wife is welcome to stay here, but I am taking my daughter with me. I will not live where it is cold any longer. I need to find a place with a new set of friends and access to fit people and year round outdoor activities.
> 
> So, if she likes it too, so be it. But I am not doing this for her.


Florida is overrated.

You say you're not doing things for your STBXW, but every post you've made is either a reaction 2 what she's said or done, or you trying 2 figure out what's going on in her messed-up haid. And through it all, you keep giving her signals that you'll be there for her if she ever pulls her head out of her nethers.

You said earlier that you're in DE and that you can file on grounds of infidelity. Why haven't you done that? Divorce is rarely amicable, and never in cases of infidelity.

You should also get yourself tested for STDs. Who knows what kind of creepy crawlers she's brought home with her from her "nights out."

I think that your doormatting is simply encouraging her. This will backfire on you someday. You're still pretty fresh out from d-day, and it will take a long time 2 get 2 the point of indifference 2ward her, but you will get there. What will happen if she's truly wanting 2 make amends for her behavior and you don't care?

-ol' 2long


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## happyman64

> How can i get this affair to end badly for her? I want her to snap out of this, but she won't.


This was the last sentence of your first post.

How is that going?

Going to Florida is ok. But you should not give one thought as to "if" your wife will follow you and your daughter.

She cannot be a good wife or grownup how the heck do you think she will function as a mother.

What your STBXW needs is a good dose of "life" without you or your daughter in her life. Sad but true.

You know what else she needs? To live life without your money involved supporting her lifestyle and golf activities.

Look where that got you. Her in the sack with another man.

File under infidelity. Serve her the first of many wakeup calls she needs. 

Or she will always be a selfish woman that feels entitled. She will not be a good woman, coparent or mother.

Serve her up a good dose of reality.

I think in the long run you will all be much better off for it.

HM


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## DEguy

Yes, I am waiting on my attorney for the financial docs and then i'm all in. And yes I was hoping at a time for a chance at R. I even believe that she would come around, but I am not waiting for her. My therapist believes the FL idea is the best in awhile. She likes that it takes her legs out from under her. Thats not why i digit, but, it is a place I feel i need to be. 

She is sad all the time. She feels like everyone is against her, duh, they are. She is getting a real dose of reality now and it feels great for me. She has no money, unfun place to live, and works. also is away from her daughter. She has a serious mental block. She is angry about something that happened to her 10 years ago and still blames me. If she can relinquish that anger, the rest should fall in place. I hope her therapist helps her, i really do. 

And my daughter worships me and my wife knows it and she said she's jealous about it. I guess karma comes around.


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## LostViking

Well, WTF happened 10 years ago? Must have been something huge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DEguy

Yes, labor room problems. We'll leave it at that.


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## 3putt

DEguy said:


> Yes, labor room problems. We'll leave it at that.


How can you leave it at that when you are the one that introduced this into your problem? Like the judges say, "You opened that door, Counselor."


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## phillybeffandswiss

DEguy said:


> Yes, labor room problems. We'll leave it at that.


Wow, now I feel like a jerk because it is private, but I want to know.


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## terrence4159

she is not 95% as sad as you think she is. it is all an act to get you and everyone else to feel bad for her. p.s. it is working on you. she is doing why my xw did and i fell for it until HER grandpa told me to wake up and D her. so dont fall for it she is happy right now (it may change) but right now in this moment she is thrilled single, boyfriend and soon florida.


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## Thorburn

2long said:


> Florida is overrated.
> 
> You say you're not doing things for your STBXW, but every post you've made is either a reaction 2 what she's said or done, or you trying 2 figure out what's going on in her messed-up haid. And through it all, you keep giving her signals that you'll be there for her if she ever pulls her head out of her nethers.
> 
> You said earlier that you're in DE and that you can file on grounds of infidelity. Why haven't you done that? Divorce is rarely amicable, and never in cases of infidelity.
> 
> You should also get yourself tested for STDs. Who knows what kind of creepy crawlers she's brought home with her from her "nights out."
> 
> I think that your doormatting is simply encouraging her. This will backfire on you someday. You're still pretty fresh out from d-day, and it will take a long time 2 get 2 the point of indifference 2ward her, but you will get there. What will happen if she's truly wanting 2 make amends for her behavior and you don't care?
> 
> -ol' 2long


:iagree:

The point on indifference is what I got to in my emotional state around March of this year with my wife. It was when she realized that I was serious about D, that our youngest son (the delight of her life) bailed on her and was supporting me, and other family members started turning on her, that it hit her hard. Her support became old HS friends from over 30 years ago and one did not even remember her, a toxic sister, and a confused wealthy younger brother. Then her sister and brother pulled the cord.

You really do need to get to the point of indifference. That she no longer matters.

She is still renting way too much space in your head. We get it, but evict her from your head.


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