# As hard as I try I just can't get over this.



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Below is my story which I posted on here in May 2012. After 8 months we are still really struggling. I can honestly say my wife is trying very hard to make things right but I just can't forgive her or look past how she treated me. I just look at her and think how could you have done this to our family. What really P..... me off is all the things that i find out about the affair weeks and months after it happened. It seems the stronger I get the more inclined I am to consider giving life a go on my own for a while? 

Will I be better off in years to come if I leave my wife? 

My story. 

A few years ago my wife and I met a couple who were new to our area, they had kids as do my wife and I. From the moment I met the husband there was something about him which made me uncomfortable but my wife was keen to build the friendship despite my concerns. We holidayed with this family and regularly socialized with them. The husband coached our son in baseball and my wife became very close to the other wife. 
We have been married for 17 years and I thought we had a very strong bond, as with most families we were always very busy with kids, work etc etc. My wife and I are very social as were this other couple and blind freddy could see the connection between my wife and the other husband. The other couple were having some marriage (surprise surprise) and financial problems at the time and the other wife confided in my wife about their issues, my wife provided a shoulder to cry on and told her she needed to fight for her marriage. After every social event or party we would fight about her flirting and she would yell and scream about how I didn't trust her, what was my problem, I was anti social etc etc. She agreed for the sake of our marriage to cool the relationship with this couple. My wife handled all the household finances but one day I opened a phone bill, in a one month period there were about 100 texts and phone calls to this guys mobile number, her explanation was that she had caught him having coffee with another woman and he admitted to having an affair and my wife was helping him through it. I didn't believe this BS for a minute but I had no proof, she agreed to no further contact. 
Fast forward 8 months and the other wife through her own investigations was able to find proof that infact my wife and her husband were having the affair and had been for about 18 months, she told my wife that if she didn't tell me about the affair then she would, my wife woke me before work one morning at 4.30am and admitted to the affair, she admitted to meeting him in a motel on a "few" occasions which I later found out was about 15 times. She used the old line that she wasn't in a good place at the time and he said all the right things, all the usual justifications. Looking back over the last 18 months it's clear my wife ran two very separate lives, she told lie after lie to protect the affair. Given the lies and way she treated the other wife all her female friends have deserted her.
This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing, which doesn't make it any better, she still was able to run a very devious double life. She is very remorseful and is doing everything to put things right but I don't think I can put this behind us, there are too many grubby branches of the affair that I just can't get past. This person who I trusted and confided in for 17 years has committed the ultimate betrayal, I just don't trust her anymore, she admits she was sucked in but it just doesn't cut it. 15 meetings in a motel room in my books doesn't constitute a mistake or a lapse in judgement. 
Initially I thought that I might have been part of the initial problem but I have convinced myself that nothing about this was my fault, I am a good honest husband,father and provider. If there wa a problem she should have talked to me, communication has never been a problem, or so I thought.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

If you really don't feel you can forgive your wife or accept her remorse, that's ok...you were hurt terribly by her actions. Don't get caught up in "shoulds": I should forgive her, I should want to stay with her, I should accept her attempts to make amends. "Shoulds" don't matter. The fact is, you DO feel hurt and betrayed and not sure you want to stay with her. Deal with the facts, not shoulds. But do make this decision and let your wife know...don't give her a false sense that reconciliation is possible if it's not.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

She has to stop lying, she was not sucked in. Have you done MC and/or IC? Number one thing is to work on yourself. Do whatever it takes to heal yourself. 

Can she leave to her parents or something?


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

I am going to have to agree, that her actions indicate that she knew what she was doing. I think when the WW uses the "sucked in or equivalent to the affair fog" is nothing more than "blame shifting or a "copout". I hope things work out for you. Whatever course you choose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You have left out what you have done to kill the affair. Was exposure done, and to who?

What has been done to verify NC. Was NC letter sent. Has WW been transparent to verify NC, unlock phone, access emails, texts?

Always best to move far away from the AP after the affair is over to help heal and prevent affair from restarting.

Did affair take place in your home, car?
Does WW have gifts from OM?
Has WW told you everything about the affair?

Did you ever get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

It takes more then a WW to stop banging her OM and the BH to stop calling his WW a hoe to recover a marriage.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, if you gut tells you you can't get over this, then why should you have to try? If you can't stand to look at her, if you can't love her and if you can't trust her then the handwriting is on the wall. Separate and clear your head out and then look back and see if you can make a go if it somewhere down the road. From my perspective there is very little she can do to make this up to you so a separation and being single for a while might go a long way in helping you get back some of your self respect and ego back. Why should you stay home and look at her if she only makes you miserable?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

He didn't suck her into anything,their affair was 50/50 fault.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What is she doing to affair proof the marriage? Is there any degree of submission from her?

The reason I ask is cuz my old lady did alot to help me get thruogh this crap and there are thing that she did that really showed remorse and there are things she did to affair proof the marriage.

The thing that come to mind were how transparent my FWW became, alot of affection and words of affirmation, sex...sex was a big thing that kept us glued together, accountablity...I know were she is and is always around and we spend alot of time together, we talked about the affair often and no more GNO. 

My chick does her best to remove all the triggers and behaviors that enabled her affairs.


But in the end brother if your chick is just one big trigger then it might be time to move on.

I'm 3 year since d-day and that first 1-1/2 half was tough. I didn't stop the heavy spying until resent....now I'm simi retired from the cheater police.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I was you once.

I tried to forgive my H and I thought I had.

But deep deep down inside it had changed me forever.

It took pieces of me that were irreplacable.

Some people can move on and some lie to themselves and waste many years.

15 hotel meetings?

She knew exactly what she was doing on the second meeting....

I hope you do what is best for you and your kids
Sometimes its hard to admit the sad truth to yourself but dont forget life is short dont waste it being miserable.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There's no shame or dishonor in either staying or going. So, don't do anything because you think it's either the noble or the righteous thing to do. 

If you go, you'll have both the opportunity and the task of finding someone who is compatible. That may be an adventure all it's own. There are very nice and loving women who would love to meet a man such as you described. The trouble is finding the one. 

You will never be totally separated from your wife. The kids, and later, your grandkids will always bind you in some way. 

Find a competent IC and see if you can come to terms with what you want out of life. 

You can always pull the plug. And you can always reconcile even if you divorce now.

I think you may be having trouble with unresolved things. Do any of these things bother you?
- the fact she had to be forced to confessing (otherwise she would be doing it to this very day)
- 15 x in two years does not sound believable to me. Is it an issue with you?
-the length of time the affair was conducted?
-the apparent lack of guilt from her during the affair?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

There is no shame in ending you marriage.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I was in the same boat.

Nothing she ever said or did since the A had made it better nor acceptable.

It's just such a monumental shock to the system and a punishing/
lowering of morale that's equal to nothing else I've ever experienced.

Do what you need to move on. If that's staying as long as you
can to work it out, then do that. Only you can decide how much
pain and aguish you can stand to live with. The important thing
is to go at your own pace and make your own decisions.

Don't be afraid to walk. I was at first... but now I'm happier than
I've ever been. I too doubted myself and the future after it happened. 

This is only normal. You will get by, you WILL heal.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

At least 15 motel meetings over a period of 18 months is not "getting sucked in". There were obviously many more sexual encounters that took place in places other than motel rooms.

You wife conducted her affair with cold, calculated lies and deception. She is not sorry she did it. She is sorry she got caught. And she is still lying to you.

No wonder you are having a hard time. You do not want the woman she has become as a wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you had couple's counselling?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People look back at all the years of work and love put into a marriage and naturally think that we should do whatever we can simply to honor that accomplishment, to honor the years.

But, you know, life is too short to spend it struggling to get over a wound like this. If you can't get past it, if you're not in love anymore, it's OK to move on.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

its very hard work to forgive and move on ..... i forgave my hubby but 2 yrs 2 months since he told me and i still struggle with it ?

trust will have to be earnt back. he had same excuses about being in bad place but thing is they didnt just do this to themselves, they did this to you as a couple and i tell my hubby he hurt us ... not just me.

good luck


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> its very hard work to forgive and move on ..... i forgave my hubby but 2 yrs 2 months since he told me and i still struggle with it ?
> 
> trust will have to be earnt back. he had same excuses about being in bad place but thing is they didnt just do this to themselves, they did this to you as a couple and i tell my hubby he hurt us ... not just me.
> 
> good luck


I've heard the whole "bad place" story as well. Firstly if you are in a bad place come and talk to me and we'll try and work it out, she never gave me that opportunity. Second, that "bad place" is now a whole lot worse given what has happened. Someone said to me once, "Never make someone your priority when all you are to the, is an option" .


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> - 15 x in two years does not sound believable to me. Is it an issue with you?


No, 15 in two years is very believable, despite what some posters here say not all APs are going at it like bunny rabbits. I mean i look at the texts between my WW and her POSOM over Christmas/New Year and they couldn't even synchronise for a 20 minute phone call, let alone arrange a meeting for sex (poor dears - thats sarcasm by the way which rarely works on the net)

It's still 15 too many though. She wasn't sucked in, the only sucking was...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Understand that she is no longer the woman you married and who had your children. That woman could have very well been a loving and faithful wife, but she changed. Time and life can do that to a person.

You have to make the decision to stay or go based on if you want the woman she is now as your wife. The woman who was comfortable living a double life of cheap motel sex for 18 months while lying and deceiving you on a daily basis. The woman who weighted the scales of infidelity on one side and a 17 year marriage on the other and chose infidelity (over and over and over again). The woman who would still be meeting her OM and happily fOcking him while lying to you if his wife had not discovered the truth. The woman who tried to make you feel inferior and stupid anytime you questioned her relationship with OM.

I think you are confusing your wife of 17 years with the woman that she has become. 

You choose, but I don't think anyone can fault you for not choosing to stay with this woman.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Life is too short get your ducks in a row financially and move on.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She hasn't told you the full truth yet. But we aren't surprised are we? We all know what trickle truth is.

Have you considered separating for a while? It might help you to get your head clear if you didn't have to interact with her every day.

And you have every right to divorce her. I wouldn't blame you. None of your friends would either. Sometimes under even just the threat of divorce people become FAR more truthful remorseful than they previously were.

Take your time and think it all through.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sandc said:


> She hasn't told you the full truth yet. But we aren't surprised are we? We all know what trickle truth is.
> 
> Have you considered separating for a while? It might help you to get your head clear if you didn't have to interact with her every day.
> 
> ...


Why do you think all of her friends deserted her? How can you trust her again?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What happened to the om and omw did she kick him to the curb?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Has she take an active role into fixing this? IC, MC, books, inline resources...
Is she taking it seriously?
My guess is not. I don't think you even have half of the truth. And her excuse is bull.

Still you don't need to stay. Seriouly. You tried. Double bretrayal, gaslighting like a pro, the humillition, the still continued lying. It was a huge betrayal. There's no shame in moving on.
I managed to stay and I'm happy I did but it doesn't mean I'd be wrong If I deviced for D.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Lmodel,

You said in your original thread that this was out of character for your wife. Considering that your wife had an affair for the better part of two years I would submit that this is very much in your wife's character. Furthermore I think the trouble you are having is that you really don't know what is in your wife's character. The woman you thought was your wife was a fictional character. It was a combination of what you wanted to see and what she wanted you to see. You can't reconcile with her because you are trying to reconcile with your wife but that woman doesn't exist. If you truly want to reconcile you need to accept that the woman you see is not the woman you married. If you cannot learn to love this new woman then it may be best if you separate now and just say you gave it your best shot.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

That's the thing Lmodel. It's hard enough to stay in a marriage after betrayal with a very remorseful wayward. If the betrayal is huge like yours and she's doing less that you would expect after that then healing become an almost impossible task.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> I've heard the whole "bad place" story as well. Firstly if you are in a bad place come and talk to me and we'll try and work it out, she never gave me that opportunity. Second, that "bad place" is now a whole lot worse given what has happened. Someone said to me once, "Never make someone your priority when all you are to the, is an option" .


It goes like this:



> Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never ever insist yourself on someone who continuously over looks your worth.


Lmodel,

You are right. You have no issues. You are a good man,husband and father.

What your wife did she chose to do. He did not trick her into having sex 15 times or an Affair. She chose to do it.

Having an affair is a conscious decision on her part.
Hurting you is a conscious decision on her part.
Hurting your marriage is a conscious decision on her part.
Hurting your fa,mily and his family was a conscious decision on her part.
Lying not only to you but her friend (his wife) was a conscious decision on her part.

Who the is this woman you are married too!

She is very selfish. 

Have you shown her any consequences for her actions?
Have you ever kicked her out of the house?
I know you said the other wives know what she did but doe your families know what she did?

You have some decisions to make. I hope you can reconcile but she needs to get her issues straightened out in her own head.

Her actions are truly horrible.

And maybe you guys need time apart. She should leave not you. She needs to feel consequences. She needs to understand the damage she has done and want to be a better person, woman, wife and mother.

And you need to heal too.....

HM64


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Acabado said:


> That's the thing Lmodel. It's hard enough to stay in a marriage after betrayal with a very remorseful wayward. If the betrayal is huge like yours and she's doing less that you would expect after that then healing become an almost impossible task.


Not to mention she is still lying, IMO.

Trickle truth. The ultimate killer of a marriage already mostly destroyed by adultery.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

3putt said:


> Trickle truth. The ultimate killer of a marriage already mostly destroyed by adultery.


Yup, adultry is the stab to the gut. Trickle truth is the exsanguination that eventually kills the marriage.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles had been reversed and you were screwing this couples wife for 18 months and finally confessed to your wife that well....I was in a bad place; do you honestly think she would have been as accepting and forgiving as you? 

The way you describe your wife I get the feeling that she had no intention of stopping it but did only because she got caught. In addition, it seemed she had no problem doing this because in the back of her mind she knew that you would forgive her and that there would be no consequences to her actions. If she was convinced that you would have immediately divorced her, do you think she would have been in a sexual affair for 18 months?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bryanp said:


> If the roles had been reversed and you were screwing this couples wife for 18 months and finally confessed to your wife that well....I was in a bad place; do you honestly think she would have been as accepting and forgiving as you?
> 
> The way you describe your wife I get the feeling that she had no intention of stopping it but did only because she got caught. In addition, it seemed she had no problem doing this because in the back of her mind she knew that you would forgive her and that there would be no consequences to her actions. If she was convinced that you would have immediately divorced her, do you think she would have been in a sexual affair for 18 months?


:iagree: good question


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife isn't owning what she did, she isn't admitting that she consciously made a choice to cheat many many times over that period, and that she chose to make having sex with the OM and lying to you an important part of her life that she worked hard and passionately to maintain.

Even when confronted she lied to you. It wasn't until the OMW was going to tell you that she decided to come a little clean - by you then got the trickle truth and more lies for a long time. Even now she may still be lying.

She chose that lifestyle, she didn't accidently go to a hotel 15 times and have sex with other places uncounted times.

she chose do it.

I have trouble believing she is remorseful for that choice. I think that because she didn't choose to end the affair. It was ended for her when the OMW found out. IF the OMW hadn't found out,your wife would still by lying and still be making the OM her priority in life.

You've given is a good try, but you know what? She isn't guaranteed a second chance. You are now looking at your wife seeing the full woman she is and what level of deception she is capable of. You have also seen that she will given the right chance choose another man over you.

that is the person she is. 

and you're waking up to the fact that she may not be the person worthy to be with you.

it's ok to divorce her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her she should move out for let's say 6 months or so. Then watch her by her actions not words. Work on YOU during this time. Do the 180 go out a few times a week meet new people and let her wonder if you're moving on. It may be the best for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You received a lot of good advice when you posted your story first, go through that thread once again first.

Then it seems that you were in a hurry to forgive her and move on with your life as if it didnt happened but you couldnt its surfacing now as a demon. You cant run from it you have to face it at least now.

R is a tough work from WS, for that WS should own their crap not just say they are in a bad place (Bad place for 1 1/2yrs and banging him 15 times in a motel room.REALLY?) 

Are you sure that you got the full truth? I dont think so.
1 1/2 yrs and 15 motel rooms, are you sure that they didnt done it in your home? She is still in damage control and minimizing, you cant have a true R with a person like this. R with her means prolonging your pain for another few months but the final result will be the same.

You can separate or D from her with your head held high as you put your maximum in fixing the unfixable; your wife.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Then it seems that you were in a hurry to forgive her and move on with your life as if it didnt happened but you couldnt its surfacing now as a demon.


Bingo!


Also I don't think any "man" can get over his wife cheating for months/years unless he's a hardcore cuckold. 

Separation seems to be the logical choice given the circumstances, whether it be temporary or permanent.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you are expecting to much of yourself and to soon. It has been a little over a year since the real end to my wife's A. I am still having issues. 

I hope you are in MC. One of the big issues for me was did I know everything. It was May of last year when the last rock was turned over and my wife went back and told me of all the things she did not tell me when asked. That was a big blow for me but after a few weeks I knew that there were no secrets between us.

It seems like there is a light at the end of the tunnel I am just not sure when I will get there.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

A rule of thumb with trickle truth is when all the WS tells is a confirmation of undeniable facts you already know, they still minimize.

If there were motel receipts or CC statements on file of either cheater, they are not telling you anything you wouldn't find out yourself. Ask her to tell you something you don't already know.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

snap said:


> A rule of thumb with trickle truth is when all the WS tells is a confirmation of undeniable facts you already know, they still minimize.
> 
> If there were motel receipts or CC statements on file of either cheater, they are not telling you anything you wouldn't find out yourself. *Ask her to tell you something you don't already know.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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