# Considering divorce with 3 kids?



## TwoTickets (Oct 28, 2013)

Hi Guys,

Just needed some opinions about my current situation. I have been married for 4 years now and Ive been with my wife for about 9 years. I would say the first couple of years were great with my wife, we got adjusted to each others personalities, got along very well and the sex life was great too. By year 3, she wanted to get married and I started to see flaws in her personality that in my opinion would not make her a good mother (i.e extremely messy, irresponsible, very forgetful). I told her about these flaws and she said she would be a totally different person when we are married and have a family. 

Fast forward to now and 3 kids later, I realize that I really cannot tolerate her flaws and she did not change at all. Maybe I was naive to believe you can change someone, but I've made my sacrifices to make her happy (give up on my dreams, start a family at a young age, stopped going out with my friends,get married sooner than I wanted..etc). Yet everything I've told her to improve on throughout our relationship, she has never tried to improve on. 

I would say I am a patient person because i've talked to her about these problems for years even before we got married. It has been 8 years since I mentioned these problems and I usually let it blow over when she acts up while she stays the same.

Now I have given divorce some thought but I can't bear to hurt my kids because they are young and love spending time with us. 
She doesn't seem to want to change no matter how many times I've made big deals out of the problems. I am lost as to what to do. On one hand I feel like these flaws were always there with her and I shouldve known that if I couldn't accept them, I should have never got married let alone have kids. On the other hand she said she would change but never did. Anytime I discuss wanting to go to a marriage counselor to try to work on it she refuses. 

There are probably alot more details about her flaws that I won't get into but any advice is appreciated.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

How much have you actually communicated with her about this? You mentioned MC; have you pressed? Have you told her that you're considering divorcing her if these issues stay the way they are? I can only assume you're rather resentful, having been promised changes that never came... are there things she resents you for, too? I can imagine she'd be reluctant to change if she felt like you didn't, either. (Not saying this is the case- just that it could be.)

As far as next steps... well, you're here, considering divorce, and saying that you can't tolerate it any more. If after truly seeing how much this bothers you, she still won't go to MC - try IC. Give it the last-ditch efforts that you can, and really try to make it work. You may be able to turn around her opinion of you, and of doing things for you. Then again, you may not, in which case you have to decide whether or not to simply stick it out, or divorce her.

Is how you feel about her affecting how you parent with her? I can tell you, as a child of divorce, that divorce was absolutely the kindest of the 2 options my parents had (R or D - there was infidelity.. he cheated... a lot). I was very unhappy, mirroring them when I was younger, although I didn't know why at the time. I think 'staying together for the kids' isn't actually always the best thing to do for the kids, speaking as a person who lived through it! My mom tried to R, and then after several miserable years finally divorced my dad. It was hard, but it was the better choice. They were not a good role model as a couple and my dad had various issues that made him not such an awesome dad, too.

Just food for thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is she a stay at home mom? Or does she have a job outside the home?

What does she do that is irresponsible? Could you give us some examples?


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