# How would you feel?



## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

Here is my story. Met my wife in 2005 and dated until 2009 when we married. While we dated, most everything was great. We argued very little. I hate confrontations and consider myself pretty reasonable. My wife got upset a lot easier than I did but it never escalated to yelling or disrespect. I would go over to her place every Wednesday afternoon and we would go out together on weekends. We would talk everyday on the phone. I really enjoyed going to visit her, she made me feel loved.

Jump forward a few years and life has changed. My wife had the idea our marriage was going to be a fairy tale, all fun and no work. She told me so one day when we had an argument.

Hear me out… just a note: I have told her all this. We have two dogs which her mom gifted us a few months before we got married. Which was fine, I agreed to them. I’ve always had pets and love dogs. My issue is that my wife has grown so attached to them she makes me feel like she prefers her dogs over me. I’ll give you some examples. Our dogs are allowed to come in the house. The sleep in the garage and have a door to the back yard. What I dislike is that as soon as my wife comes in the house she lets them in, EVERY SINGLE TIME. I don’t mind letting them in sometimes, even most of the time. I do ask and I have told her this, that there are times when I want to be without the dogs in the house. And just be us two. But, she gets upset and tells me that she doesn’t get why I am jelous of the dogs. We can’t even be alone to watch a nice movie together. The dogs have to be, on the couch, under the blankets with us. Such a HUGE TURNOFF…

Oh, and she likes telling the story to everyone how I get upset when she gets home from work and she will first go open the garage door to let the dogs in, instead of greeting me first. Yeah, it feels great to come second to dogs. Even when we go to the store. She is always looking for treats and gifts for the dog. But in the 3 years of marriage, she has botten me 1 thing, a suit. She has purchased anniversary gifts, but to me those don’t hold the same value, as they are implied gifts. “Just because” gifts mean a lot more to me. Talking about gifts, she is always asking for things; why don’t you buy me this, and why don’t you buy me that…

The other day I made a list of things I have gifted her in the last 3 years. Things from Ipod, bike, rollerblades, jewelry, shoes, a popcorn maker, concert tickets, flowers. It really doesn’t seem fair that she spends at leat 3x as much as I do, and I gift a lot of things and have very little left over for myself and she still asks for more. Granted, she works 3-4 days/week and brings in a paycheck also. And we wouldn’t have what we have without that but come on. Be happy with what you have and you will have more than what you ask for. 

Sorry if I am venting, but I need to get it out as I am not heard at home….

The other big issue that we seem to have is that she doesn’t want to trust me. She has told me many times that she will not be able to handle it if I would ever be unfaithful and that is why she prefers not to trust me fully. Because according to her, that would lessen the pain if it ever happens. Can you imagine hearing these things from your spouse? Furthermore, she then has nightmares where I am unfaithful and she will take it out on me. 

Just this past Sunday, we woke up in a bad mood. I was preparing breakfast for both of us, and she walks in the kitchen ignoring me, heading straight for the garage door to let the dogs in, and I say “good morning”. She mumbles back something, opens the garage door and heads back to the room. She was in a bad mood all day, talking to me only if I asked her something. When we went to bed at night, I asked her what wrong, why she had been ignoring me all day. And she told me that Sat. night she had a bad dream where I cheated on her. It’s a dream woman!!!! Get over it!!!! 

Monday and Tuesday were okay. But we come to Wednesday and here we go again. I get home from work before my wife so I make myself some rolled tacos to eat because I was starving. And then went on to preparing some brocolli soup and croutons for us both. My wife gets home just as I am finishing the soup. I reach over to kiss her and we begin to talk. I have her taste the soup for seasoning. And she sees the bag of tacos and asks if I am going to make tacos. I replied that I had already eaten them because I was hungry. And she gets upset and tells me: “so you only make some for yourself. When I cook something I am only going to cook for myself also”

My response: “I didn’t cook any for you because they would have gotten cold” (I had eaten them 1 hour earlier)

So she leaves to the room. I finish the soup, and begin cleaning up and washing the dishes. 2 days worth of dishes. She doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. I finish and head outside to cool off. Listen to some music in my truck and then come in and watch some TV. 

I know I am not perfect. And I am sure, I do things that make her upset also. But I try to make her happy as much as possible, help her a lot in the house (she even tells me that I am not the typical guy, because I am so organized, clean and can cook), and this is what I get in return. I feel like I am done!!!!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I stopped reading after the part about dogs. Why are you jealous of your dogs? And of course they should be in the house when you guys are there together enjoying time. They are social animals, after all.

So clearly, I have a bias. I'll step back now and let other people comment -- but if you are "done" because she likes dogs, wants tacos, and occasionally gets angry, I think she's better off with the dogs than with you.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Sounds like she relies on the dogs for happiness because shes not getting any from her relationship with you. I do agree she seems over the top about the dogs especially paired with the lack if enthusiasm towards you. The problem doesn't seem to be the dogs though, they're just a symptom of a bigger problem between you two. 

Oh and FYI digs need to be let in every day, they are domesticated animals that need daily interaction. Don't blame them for your poor marriage, your wife is bound to resent you even more for it if you do.


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

I am in no way saying that we shouldn't interact with our dogs everyday. Nor that they shouldn't be let in every day. I am simply saying that being without the dogs while watching a movie, or eating a nice dinner without them jumping all over us, once in a while would be nice. 

If it was the ocassional bad mood, that is fine. Im in a bad mood at times also. But I don't feel that I need to be tippytoing around to prevent arguments either. or have her bring in her issues from work and taking it out on me.

I know it happens. And it is impossible to prevent in the fullest, but it drains on you when it happens too often.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh boy! The two of you need to consider seeing a marriage counselor. 

The routine with the dogs sounds perfectly normal to me. Are the dogs large breeds? Are they well mannered? You would definitely have a problem with my "baby". She stays with me all the time, since she is a companion animal. 

The problem with your wife being scared you will cheat sounds serious. I used to have similar fears myself. Unfortunately those fears were warranted. Have you given her any reason to doubt you? Has she had abandonment issues previously in life? This is where a therapist should be able to help both of you.

Start thinking and behaving like a couple.


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

827Aug - I think that is my big issue. they are small breed. the dogs are not well mannered and she doesn't want them to be. They respect me when I am alone but as soon as she comes in the picture all hell breaks loose. They jump on you, jump on the couches, scratch the doors, whine. 

I don't feel I would have an issue with them being indoors all the time, if I would be able to curl up next to my wife without the dogs wanting to come in between us. 

I don't feel that I have given her any reason to feel betrayed. We talk a lot during the day, we hardly spend time apart outside of work. My life is her. But she even feels unconfortable with me wanting to be with the my family. 

I have asked her what I can do to help her with this and she says that I can't do anything. That it is an issue she has always had.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

It sounds that besides marriage counseling, you also need some "Dog Whisperer"-style help. The difference between how the dogs react to you alone, and how they act when your wife enters the picture, is problematic. It's also not cool that they don't have behavior or furniture boundaries.

I picked up on something else in your messages. You're upset that she's spending on goodies for the dogs, rather than you. You even know how many gifts you've gotten each other. It sounds like you could benefit from knowing your love language (and communicating this to your wife). In turn, you need to know hers so you can meet her needs too.


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

i love the dog whisperer but i am the only one that implements them constantly. like i said i've always had animals and greatly enjoy teaching them and spending time with them. But I understand the need to have boundaries. Right now we are like the family with kids that do what they want, when they want and annoy the entire world. I know you've seen them at restaurants or at the store. 

The issue with the "goodies" is not that she buys them. I wouldn't mind her buying all these goodies and do not need her to buy me things. I just need to know she cares.

We definately need to improve our communication, because what we are doing now is not working. But, how do you get across to someone who has ignored your concerns or considers that I am exagerating?


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

omg... you and my hubs are exactly the same with the dog thing. he asks me ALL THE TIME.. "if we were all drowning.. you'd save sadi and let me die, wouldnt you?" the first thing i do when i get home.. hubs or not is let my dog outside. she's been cooped up in the bathroom all day.. she's gotta use the bathroom. i'm sorry. i dunno how to help you there.. if i did, i would have fix my husband's dog jealousy long ago. BUT what i can tell you that it is sooooo UNATTRACTIVE. and THAT is probably why your wife makes fun of it (not that it's right).. i've probably mentioned it to my best friend cuz its just so ridiculous. insecure because of a 13 pound dog? sheesh. 

the taco thing.. my husband for some reason really stresses eating together. when we were dating he used to get mad at me if i ate without him (literally). now he's gotten better and practical because we cant be together 24/7 like we were when we were dating, but he still tries his hardest to eat with me as much as possible. some people are just weird about it. 

i'm fanatic about spreading my religion of "pick your battles". whenever i read about such simple issues like these there's a neon blinking sign going off in my brain that's just reads "REALLY??" so many marriages have real problems.. poor health, not enough money for rent, cheating.. and you guys are fighting about tacos.... 

is it really worth stressing yourself out for tacos? what if you had said, "sorry, babe... i'll make you one.." would she have been so upset about it? instead of letting her give you the silent treatment, you have the opportunity to change these small battles into something good. 

the gifts thing just seems a little materialistic to me.. i'd try to get that out of your minds as a sign of affection. there are so many more productive ways to express affection. my hubs and i are really into making memories and traveling. i took wet photography in college and displaying those memories in our home is one way i celebrate my relationship. 

anyway.. let it go... i hope yall have a fun holiday weekend! you should invite her on a skinny dipping date!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I absolutely can't stand being around unmannered dogs (or any other animal for that matter). In addition to marriage counseling, you and your wife should enroll in a dog obedience class. Years ago I went to a class, and it was eye-opening. Everyone else in the class came as couples because their unmannered four-legged children were either destroying their marriages or destroying their houses. It really doesn't have to be that way.

Good luck!


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

Thanks for all your comments guys. I really needed to vent somewhere. I have calmed down. We even had a meaningful heart to heart last night and layed out both of our feelings. 

I let her know that I really loved her. That it wasn't fair that she takes out her stress on me. I told her I loved our dogs but sometimes needed a few hours of alone time with her at our home.

I have come to realize just like Cory275 sayed that these arguments are very petty. Still frustrating at times but, I will work on overlooking the little things more.

In return, I need to be more detail oriented. something a lot of us lack of it seems. Any tips? 

Stuff I do now:
-She likes smoothies, so out of the blue I take her one to work
-Surprise her with lunch 
-leave love notes on the bathroom mirror
-Take her where ever she wants to go
-watch chick flicks together
-make breakfast every weekend
-go bikeriding together, we even went kayaking the other day for the first time. that was pretty fun.


It felt so good to get all of this off of my chest. I was drowning.


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