# Working out an alternative future(is it selfish?)



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I am sure many of you have seen my ups and downs on here as I have seen yours. I am reaching a pivotal point in my separation. 

From observation: 
She seems to want to be close,but platonic friends so fat,nothing more. 
She Wants some sort of future together,but she has not said what and skirts the issue when I ask. 
Wants me around, but not if her mother is around.
She confides in me, things that she will not share with her mother or her one female friend. 
She recently even asked me if she I wanted more kids( which is odd considering we have not even kissed but a few times in the last 6 months.
She texts me incessantly sometimes.(especially if I don't answer quickly) 
She is guarded with her body and some information.
She has agreed to go on trips that do not involve the kids(strange to me).
She flirts with me again. 
She says "I Love You." often, but not all the time.(I decided to tell her she hurts my feelings when she skips the l-word. She she said she was sorry. 

My last post was the result of a full-time hours condensed into a less than normal work week coupled with exhaustion from lack of sleep. I realize I do need to trust her again before I should even think about begin with her(if that is a possibility). The truth is,not being around her mother is the best thing that has come out of the separation. If we could further work on things, we would have a strong, happy marriage, as long as her mother was not in our lives as much as she has been in the past (not my choice). 
She constantly complains of her mother, yet chooses to live with the woman who fed fuel to my suspicions as well as implanted them in the first place. She has said things about my wife that I never would have, but still gets what she doesn't deserve out of my wife, love.
I am at a point where I am tired of seeing her put herself through this garbage. If things are not getting better,I want to distance myself almost 100% (no hanging out, no calling, nothing!) I did this for 2 weeks previous, if I did it that long, I can do it again. 
On the other hand, I started being patient and things also got to where they were with the addition of the 2 weeks of silence. Would it be a snap judgement to ask for the D or should I remain patient? My T is as confused as I am when I tell them about how she acts around me.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Does she want more children?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad&Janie said:


> Does she want more children?


Not to my knowledge. We would have difficulties having more children. I wouldn't put that on her if I wanted more children. I am happy with what I have. Plus, I would not want to have a child while separated from the mother of said hypothetical child. I always told her when we were together that it was up to her. That is why the question struck me as odd. We don't live in the same house and we have not been together sexually in 2 years.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

I asked for a reason.

Far too many men who have unfulfilling marriages will - at the suggestion of another child - set all that aside and comply.

It's a key point of leverage that is often unconditionally surrendered.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad&Janie said:


> I asked for a reason.
> 
> Far too many men who have unfulfilling marriages will - at the suggestion of another child - set all that aside and comply.
> 
> It's a key point of leverage that is often unconditionally surrendered.


It makes sense why things like that happen. I am just surprised she asked. I want to work on things, she seems lost on a complete decision.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Perhaps her question about wanting more kids betrayed some insecurity that you would seek that from a younger partner.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

We are still under 30, but she seems to be really aware of age, she left me. I some times feel like she realized she was an adult(mother and wife) a few years after and reacted how she has.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> We are still under 30, but she seems to be really aware of age, she left me. I some times feel like she realized she was an adult(mother and wife) a few years after and reacted how she has.


What was her childhood like?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

"Hell" is a nicest way of describing it. That is truly the best way to describe it. Not very many positive male or female role models til she was much older. I don't think she has a the grasp of a spectrum between good and bad marriage. Things are always black and white.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Agast84 said:


> "Hell" is a nicest way of describing it. That is truly the best way to describe it. Not very many positive male or female role models til she was much older. I don't think she has a the grasp of a spectrum between good and bad marriage. Things are always black and white.


Emotionally broken people have huge problems in relationships.

It's almost impossible for them to trust.

Has she had any therapy?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I have been well aware of this for years. I actually read up on it a good bit( years ago). Yes, she has had therapy( an extensive amount).
She didn't mind IC, but refused MC(we had one session 2 years ago) due to experiences in Family/group therapy. Apparently everyone focused all the blame on her. I have witnessed this over the years. No one ever took their fair share, just tossed it on her. 
She mentioned to me that she was going to IC for her sex/intimacy issues, but that was said to me one time shortly after we started talking again less than a year ago. Hasn't been mentioned since. I know I am her husband and I love her, but I still feel odd randomly bringing up. Especially since I have not revealed I have been going to therapy for 2 years.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Agast84 said:


> I have been well aware of this for years. I actually read up on it a good bit( years ago). Yes, she has had therapy( an extensive amount).
> She didn't mind IC, but refused MC(we had one session 2 years ago) due to experiences in Family/group therapy. Apparently everyone focused all the blame on her. I have witnessed this over the years. No one ever took their fair share, just tossed it on her.
> She mentioned to me that she was going to IC for her sex/intimacy issues, but that was said to me one time shortly after we started talking again less than a year ago. Hasn't been mentioned since. I know I am her husband and I love her, but I still feel odd randomly bringing up. Especially since I have not revealed I have been going to therapy for 2 years.


Why not be honest?

Someone has to go first.

Women like it when a man shows the strength to lead.


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