# Have you ever contacted WS's therapist?



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm moving out in 18 days, but we're still both in the same house while STBX actively dates OW. We have a 14 year old daughter and 12 year old son.

Yesterday I saw some texts between DD and her dad that really enraged me. 

First one was a text where he was clearly trying to alienate her from me.

Second was one where she asked where he was and he said he's with his "friend" (wink wink), basically treating her as his BFF and not his daughter, and shoving his infidelity down her throat.

I took pics of these texts and sent them both to him. With the first one I said, "Please stop badmouthing me to our daughter. Thanks."

With the second I said, "And also stuff like this. Omg (his name). "hey, just want you to know I'm here fvcking OW wink wink" so inappropiate!"

His response? "You're insane (my name). Absolutely crazy!!!!" He also made fun of me for reading my daughter's texts.

This morning he sent me a sarcastic and detailed email about his schedule/plans for the next several days, complete with an emoticon depicting him and OW being intimate. He signed it, "despicable me." I simply said, "ok."

I want this alienation to STOP, but he will not listen to me. I want the infidelity being thrown in my daughter's face as if it is OK to STOP, but I'm the crazy one.

He won't listen to a word I say. Last night he told me that OW has more love in her pinky finger than I have in my whole body, that she shows them more love in one day than I do in a whole year, and I don't care at all about how my kids feel or think. He's evil. Pure evil.

Would it be completely out of bounds to send those texts to his counselor? He sees her weekly. She knows me because we went to couples counseling with her. I'm quite sure the version she hears about it is only about my reactions to his antics, and not about things like this, and THESE are the things that are important! WHY he thinks it is OK to put my daughter in the middle like this is beyond me. 

I'm open to hearing opinions if you want to tell me that no, that's me being too controlling or it is too revenge driven. I really don't know. 

This morning I was fantasizing about printing out all of our interactions, texts, etc. and mailing them to his mother.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are not crazy but I think you need to detach further from it. He is going to do what he is going to do. 

Concentrate on your own relationship with your kids. This just gives him ammo to turn your daughter on you by telling her that you are reading her texts.

Hopefully somewhere in all of this you can get across to your kids that cheating is wrong, hurtful and self destructive, but that will be a hard message while he appears to be having some much fun and being so positive with it. You cannot compete against that with negative energy and you cannot control him, even through his counselor. 

Some problems cannot be solved and understanding that can give you a level of peace in coping with them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

To be clear, I was reading HER texts, not his. I mean, it was a text conversation between the two of them, but I don't have access to his texts. Her texts appear on the family iPad sometimes when she forgets to clear them, because of it being connected to her phone. I wasn't even planning on trying to read texts between them....I was intending on reading texts between her and a boy! (Which I also did....nothing too alarming).


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I can totally understand wanting to share his lovely nature with his therapist and mother and even his mailman. BUT, he has already depicted you as evil, bitter, crazy or whatever else he had to tell himself and others to appear innocent in your break up. 

IMO, Whenever you air their crazy there is always some blowback on you, because ultimately the person on the receiving end gets uncomfortable and doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Sorry he is being such a pig, try to ignore it as best you can. He sounds like a real tool.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You can assume he is not telling his therapist everything and that the therapist knows he's not telling him everything.

But the therapist will, and should tell you they cannot discuss their patient. You could request some couple's therapy, or family therapy, but it might not be approved. I guess I wouldn't expect much from this.

I would keep it, in case a GAL is ever required in your case. Clearly, its not the way a responsible parent would behave.

And I would consider getting your daughter into therapy so that she has a neutral party to discuss this with.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> You can assume he is not telling his therapist everything and that the therapist knows he's not telling him everything.
> 
> But the therapist will, and should tell you they cannot discuss their patient. You could request some couple's therapy, or family therapy, but it might not be approved. I guess I wouldn't expect much from this.
> 
> ...


Thank you. After I posted this, I was wondering if I should request a session with his counselor for both of us to hash some of this stuff out. The alienation is just not cool. 

I would not expect his counselor to discuss him with me at all. The purpose would be so she could discuss his behavior (alienation, putting daughter in the middle) with him and get him to stop. 

My daughter was in counseling until recently. Her counselor moved practices to an hour away, and at the same time we found out none of it was being reimbursed. She requested to stop at that time, so we haven't pursued her going anymore. She does talk really openly with my sister, her aunt, so we should try to do more of that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You don't have the option to direct the issues addressed in his counseling, good or bad.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> You don't have the option to direct the issues addressed in his counseling, good or bad.


OK. Thank you for that statement.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Send the texts to your lawyer.


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## BJJmom (Jan 24, 2011)

What I was told in this situation is you can report whatever you'd like to to his counselor/psych doc, they just can't speak to you about his issues, but you can surely just give them the info. Whether you should or shouldn't do this is for you to decide. For me, it was a matter of safety for all involved that I reported my H issues to his psychiatrist. That's what it came down to for me.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The first time my stbx had a therapist send a letter to the court with all sorts of crazy claims I sent one to the therapist telling the therapist about how most of the claims were mere fantasy and would provide proof/facts etc if that person wished because all they were apparently doing was reinforcing her delusions instead of trying to help her.

I never heard a word from the therapist and my stbx stopped going to right after I sent the letter and found another therapist. 

The world of therapy unfortunately is a game of what you put into it. Is the person going to actually seek help or reinforce there position that its "everybody" else that's the problem.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The only time I contacted my ex therapist is when I thought he was suicidal. The therapist said thanks for your concern and that he would contact my (then) husband. He apparently did call the ex who promptly blew-up at me for interfering in his life. And then fired the therapist. 

I think he was suicidal and I'm glad I called. But you can't control how or whether someone else gets help for their problems. The most you can do is make sure they know that help is available.

You can, however, get the family court involved and if you have sufficient evidence (keeping the texts) the court can force him into counseling to protect your daughter. That doesn't always mean the ex will share things, but its better than nothing.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Yeah, stay away from his shrink. Use them for your own purposes, if neccessary or at all. But you can't control his bad behavior, only your reaction to it.


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