# Moving towards divorce



## HB2428 (Dec 31, 2011)

Almost four weeks into our separation now. After spending time talking to my husband, I feel like I'm just about done. I have tried to give him time to find himself, that wasn't the problem. My problem was that you can't put a marriage on hold, and when someone tells you that they aren't sure when they figure things out if they are going to want to be married, it's very hard.

I had entered this separation with the belief after talking to him that it was for the best for him and for us. I'm believing that it was for him. If anything has changed, we are more like strangers. I'm very often the one sending text messages, trying to see what's going on in his life. I learn some through facebook also. I understand that he needs time to find himself and figure things out, but is it so bad that I want a partner? That I don't want to be married to a stranger who doesn't really want to worry about a marriage now. 

I had been spending my time trying to better myself and better our marriage. I worried so much about trying to help him, let him have time to figure things out, I completely lost site of our marriage in trying to focus solely on him. Am I being selfish? I want a husband, I want someone to sleep next to at night, someone to do things with, someone to talk about my day with, someone to share my hopes and dreams with.

I just feel that we owe it to our marriage to think about getting a divorce now before it becomes even worse. I look down at my wedding ring and all I can think of is what a lie it is. I'm just so tired of spending day after day wondering if he's ever going to decide he wants to be married, that he wants me as his wife.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Separations usually never end well. Some of us recommend that when a separation is requested that you follow-up with divorce papers (you already know that you didn't marry to be separate). Separation is usually license to cheat (with another) - kind of a get out of jail free card.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## LoveLifeNow (Dec 28, 2011)

Your situation almost mirrors mine. I have an appt with an attorney on Monday to talk about separation or divorce. I am now leaning toward divorce.
My husband has been distant and sleeping in the guest room on and off for the past two years after I asked him to choose between an EA possibly PA and me. I believed he had chosen me and I worked very hard to make things better, be positive, happy, working out and housework without complaining. He also cannot tell me he loves me (or even likes me) or that we will last as a relationship. 
Posts from others on this site helped me see that he is still in the EA and then I got confirmation of this from an outside person that he never gave up his "other relationship". After two years in my mind it is no longer and affair it is a relationship. So, I spent New Years Eve with my two boys and friends of ours and he was surprised that I followed through and went without him. 
I am ready to move on and start out the new year with a new plan.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

May I ask a silly question. Having also read your other posts all you write is that you are separate. What exactly is wrong with your marriage. It seems you find nothing wrong only your husband does. Perhaps you dont even know.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

HB2428's story almost seems like it could come from my wife except that we have not separated in any way. It provides me with some insight into what my wife must be feeling on a daily basis.

Sorry for your pain HB2428.

If I had separated after my affair, divorce would have been filed the next day by one of us.


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## HB2428 (Dec 31, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your responses. We do have a lot of problems in our marriage, I find the underlying problem is that our marriage is not as strong as it should be. If you have a strong marriage, then a lot of our little problems, would been something we could have solved.

This sounds silly, but when we were dating it was so easy, when we got married we didn't really become a partnership. Perhaps since we are both only children we are too independent and it is hard for us to merge everything. One of our problems is that we work nights, and it's easy for us to get into the routine of work, sleep and not spending a lot of good quality time together to help strengthen our relationship. 

My husband told me that through much of our marriage he tried to support me and improve our marriage, that he tried to do everything thinking of me. He told me he felt lost that he wasn't really sure who he was anymore. We both made the mistake of trying to think of the other person a lot, we never really thought about what would be good for our marriage. 

Yesterday I went to talk to him about how things have been going, or well not going. I explained how I felt like we were becoming strangers, that I often felt like I was the only one making contact. I told him that we both made the decision to get married and I think that we need to look at considering divorce. I did not want to become strangers with completely separate lives, I feel we owe it to the relationship to not let it go that far. Needless to say it was a long crying conversation. 

He then told me that he was sorry and that he should have told me sooner, he is not ready for a divorce. He told me he wants to try to spend more time together. I told him that I will try, that I need us to communicate more, I need us to be in each others lives. So as of right now at least, as long as we are both trying, I am okay. I don't know what will happen, I am just hopeful now that are least we are both trying.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I hope it works out for you.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Boy can I relate to her being a stranger. I agreed to the seperation 9 weeks ago and it seems like I don't know her anymore. I am hanging by a thread called patience.


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