# Thought tonight was going to be different.



## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

I've stopped initiating, we've stopped having sex because I refuse to ask, try, or attempt to have any sort of inclination of sex since the last time H denied me and made a big deal of my HD.

I thought tonight was going to be different. We went to and Xmas party, had such a great time he even had a few beers and serenaded me at the table like a school boy, in front of my colleagues it was so cute. He sang "babe I love you". I blushed. 

We came home I had a shower and crawled into bed wearing only pj bottoms like I normally do. He was rubbing me, my back, my hair my front, I just curled up, he put his hands in my face and said "babe you are so beautiful, you looked so pretty tonight, your hair was so pretty, your face took my breath away." And then he went to sleep with a smile on his face.

I turned away and cried (with out him knowing). For a split nano second I felt like we were normal. I honestly thought maybe he felt some kind of urge to be with 

If I'm so beautiful to him, he loves me so much how can he not want to make love to me? 

I won't bring this up to him. I will not rehash to "no sex" debate. I was kidding myself for that split second, we will never be normal!!!


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

How about telling of this forum and letting him speak for himself? Perhaps we'll learn something new.

Don't give up or quit. What's the point of a living a depressing life?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

what turns him on?

for me, its my wife wearing anything that shows off her butt. i guess im an ass man... either way, if my wife wants to turn me on, all she has to do is walk around the house with a short pair of tight shorts on. 

what turns your husband on? 
i wonder why your husband doesnt want to have sex...

i really feel for you. 
when i had a low drive, i was on medication that prevented me from being able to "keep it up". that destroyed my confidence for a full two years. i eventually told my wife why i usually refused her, and she responded in a way i didnt expect... she pulled out some toys. i could get her off with a raging hard on... so, i did it with toys. i used a toy to get her off, and then she would use a toy to get me off(sometimes it didnt work, but i was just happy to get her off). but, really, it was knowing that i could still satisfy my wife even if i couldnt perform. and knowing that she was okay with me being "broken", but not okay with me ignoring her needs.


usually, when i hear of a man that doesnt want to have sex, there is something emotional going on with the man. they usually feel inadequate in some area, like i did when i was taking the crappy meds.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> what turns him on?
> 
> for me, its my wife wearing anything that shows off her butt. i guess im an ass man... either way, if my wife wants to turn me on, all she has to do is walk around the house with a short pair of tight shorts on.
> 
> ...


That's why I want to hear her husband's side of the story.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Anonymous Person said:


> That's why I want to hear her husband's side of the story.


i have to agree with you. 

i want to hear his side too.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I guess we all do the same thing, like to fantasies about sex occurring and then are let down when it does not. The answer is probably catch yourself making that fantasy and stop it. I still find myself doing it some also but you can minimize it if you are aware of what you are doing.

I am still not quite clear on why he seems to be perfectly happy to spend time with you in bed touching you but will not give you an O by other means than intercourse. I find that giving my wife an O by touching her is a lot of fun for me. Just giving her pleasure and seeing her reaction is rewarding in itself.


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

In the past when this was an issue between us, meaning I used to make it an issue, I used to try hard to keep sex between us alive, which meant toys, bjs, giving him a show to get him eroused, etc etc he was most of the time game, but after a year or two of me constantly having to initiate and sometimes getting the green light and a lot of times getting told he was too tired or stressed we used to talk about it.

According to him he said that he's always been this way, he's had to work extremely hard to get around the mental of sex, he's never been able to ejaculate with BJ or PIV easily (except he has no problem with me for some reason), he is extremely sensory over stimulated with sex and its hard for Him the amount of mental that has to go into sex exhausts him. he loves to orgasm but he feels the work to get it there isnt worth it. But he's ok working very hard to get around it to try to please me some of the time.

I felt bad before so I worked even harder to give him release because in my mind I believed sexual release was healthy so I wake up and give him a BJ or a HJ more and let the PIV come last, again more work on my part less on his. I'd have to ask him to get me off and eventually all that work, became exhausting for me and he never ever initiated so I stopped. I just wanted to see how long it would be before he did, 1 week turned into 2 to 3 etc till eventually sex just stopped. 

He said to me a few weeks ago that he's so happy that we are both in a place where sex is no longer necessary as much. I laughed in my head. I will no longer make this an issue between us because he is not capable of being happy having sex like a regular person and I'm not happy doing all the work and also being rejected so here we are. There is nothing that can change his genetic flaw or brain wiring. 

I'm not depressed, I'm a very happy person with a great life and many many things to be grateful for. I'm just saddened by this in my life and just because something makes me sad does not mean everything else is depressing. In a weird way I love him more because he's damaged but was so willing to try for me but I gave up because I know how hard it was for him so I didn't want to keep putting him through it. That I guess is what love is all about, two ppl willing to sacrifice their needs for their partner?


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## kpmg (Dec 15, 2013)

ConfusedGirl....I just wanted to give you my two cents on what could be happening to your husband. I can think of 3 different scenarios. 

1. He must be watching too much porn and/or masturbating too often. If he is addicted to it, real life sex may not stimulate him as much as porn/imagination

2. He likes being in control. He may not have much control of you in other areas of life. This is what he can control and he enjoys it.

3. Third possibility is that he has a full life and there is so much more going on in his life. Sometimes sex goes down a few spots in priority, when there is so much going on in life.

All the above scenarios come a bit from my personal experiences, so My opinion is definitely biased, so take it for what it is worth.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

confusedgirl123 said:


> In the past when this was an issue between us, meaning I used to make it an issue, I used to try hard to keep sex between us alive, which meant toys, bjs, giving him a show to get him eroused, etc etc he was most of the time game, but after a year or two of me constantly having to initiate and sometimes getting the green light and a lot of times getting told he was too tired or stressed we used to talk about it.
> 
> According to him he said that he's always been this way, he's had to work extremely hard to get around the mental of sex, he's never been able to ejaculate with BJ or PIV easily (except he has no problem with me for some reason), he is extremely sensory over stimulated with sex and its hard for Him the amount of mental that has to go into sex exhausts him. he loves to orgasm but he feels the work to get it there isnt worth it. But he's ok working very hard to get around it to try to please me some of the time.
> 
> ...


He is totally inconsistent and it is not adding up.

Has he had his testosterone checked? Was he sexually abused as a child?

His statement about being overwhelmed with sensory overload regarding sex makes no sense considering he can touch you in a way NORMAL people would feel a lead up to actual sex. He can romance you in a way normal people would feel loved and would then carry that expression to actual sex, yet he doesn't go there, doesn't want to go there and doesn't actually DO anything about leaving you high and dry. 

And you think that's part of love? Both people willing to sacrifice? 

Your husband has some kind of problem, whether it's testosterone related, abuse related, control related...who knows. It's not normal. It's not normal. It's not normal!!!

He expects you to be okay with his hang ups but his hang ups are hurting you in a meaningful way. He is willing to sacrifice your happiness so he is happy. You are willing to sacrifice your happiness so he is happy.

Forcing him to his doctor for testing, then to a therapist for therapy as you wIt patiently is love. Asking you to give up a vital part of love is not a sacrifice for love, it's a slow death.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> He is totally inconsistent and it is not adding up.
> 
> Has he had his testosterone checked? Was he sexually abused as a child?
> 
> ...


I agree.

I think her husband is lying. Maybe he has a porn addiction? Maybe he's cheating? Maybe he's a control freak? I don't know.

He needs to become a member of this forum, so we can find out. Hope mrs confused brings him here.


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

Nah it's not porn, I used to have to encourage him to watch it because again I used think it was important for him to have sexual release. He never touches the computer and we always use each others phone there's no evidence of porn unfortunately. 

He has had his T checked came back normal but normal doesn't make sense to me, because he never wakes up with a boner.

He can't stand being touched (he said I'm the only person he's ever been able to touch and be touched by) he said it feels like his skin is on fire if ppl touch him, even his own family members. He's never had a one night stand or casual sex, it's extremely hard for him. 

He's very introverted and anti social super smart and if he's controlling its in a very weird way because I'm very independent, I've travelled with out him I work two jobs very demanding careers, I dress very well and always look good he's never told me to dress or not go some where I have control of my own money and he also has me manage his because he's not good at it. So maybe he's controlling in a way with sex but if I initiated he'd oblige so I don't know. I just think its as simple as he says it is. 

I'd ask him to join but he's anti computers lol two finger Typing would drive him batty!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What does he do for a living? I find it hard to believe that a healthy young adult wants no part of sex AND computers... 

I mean, I could understand LD but LP or LC? (Low phone or low computer?) what are his favoite pastimes?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I dont think its fair for people to label him as having some kind of problem. It is ENTIRELY possible that he simply does not. like. sex. Shocking for most of us, but everybody is not wired the same way. It doesnt mean that something is wrong with him, and that he can be "fixed".


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

confusedgirl123 said:


> Nah it's not porn, I used to have to encourage him to watch it because again I used think it was important for him to have sexual release. He never touches the computer and we always use each others phone there's no evidence of porn unfortunately.
> 
> He has had his T checked came back normal but normal doesn't make sense to me, because he never wakes up with a boner.
> 
> ...


Intimacy issues perhaps? Shame? Did he grow up in a religious household? Was he sexually abused?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Aspergers, sensory integration; touching is not as impactful to him as being touched. A disconnect somewhere in the brain where touch should bring comfort, but to the brain not wired correctly, touch brings confusing signals.

There is therapy for this. But he has to search for it, want it, and work it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_integration_therapy


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You said ina marriage people sacrifice for each other - is he sacrificing anything in this situation? Sounds like you are the one sacrificing.and he is getting it exactly the way he wants.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Anonymous Person said:


> He needs to become a member of this forum, so we can find out.


 Lol sorry I just found the above viewpoint a little demanding. Although we are curious to all sides of a story let's not get ahead of ourselves. We are merely members of an internet site and he is obviously not obliged to join it to fill our curiousities. No offense meant to the poster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

john117 said:


> What does he do for a living? I find it hard to believe that a healthy young adult wants no part of sex AND computers...
> 
> I mean, I could understand LD but LP or LC? (Low phone or low computer?) what are his favoite pastimes?


He does restorations as a hobby works as a heavy commercial vehicle mechanic he also rides. He has had a non-smart phone for year until Xmas I forced him on a smart phone, which I openly have access to and he has to mine. He has touched a computer maybe 10 times in the past year, I literally had to show him how to google free porn lol! He is very anti technology. I'm the opposite I'm on twitter FB Instagram you name it with tons of followers whom I've met around the us and can through many social connections. He's just a hands on kinda dude loves cars and bikes and fixing things.


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I dont think its fair for people to label him as having some kind of problem. It is ENTIRELY possible that he simply does not. like. sex. Shocking for most of us, but everybody is not wired the same way. It doesnt mean that something is wrong with him, and that he can be "fixed".


Those are his words, he's not wired the same way. Very true!


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Aspergers, sensory integration; touching is not as impactful to him as being touched. A disconnect somewhere in the brain where touch should bring comfort, but to the brain not wired correctly, touch brings confusing signals.
> 
> There is therapy for this. But he has to search for it, want it, and work it.
> 
> Sensory integration therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Very interesting thank you!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

confusedgirl123 said:


> He can't stand being touched (he said I'm the only person he's ever been able to touch and be touched by) *he said it feels like his skin is on fire if ppl touch him,* even his own family members. He's never had a one night stand or casual sex, it's extremely hard for him.


That's not a normal response to touch. I don't know if this is neurological or psychological or both, but this is something a doctor should likely help him with. If he's that over-sensitive, sex is going to be the last thing on his list because it's not actually physically or mentally pleasurable for him. 

He's used to it because he's always been like this, but that doesn't mean it's a normal reaction.


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## confusedgirl123 (Oct 7, 2013)

norajane said:


> That's not a normal response to touch. I don't know if this is neurological or psychological or both, but this is something a doctor should likely help him with. If he's that over-sensitive, sex is going to be the last thing on his list because it's not actually physically or mentally pleasurable for him.
> 
> He's used to it because he's always been like this, but that doesn't mean it's a normal reaction.


Right this has been the conclusion I've come to as well hence why I've stopped pressuring /begging /forcing the sex issue. He would do it to please me but how can I feel good about it or myself knowing how mentally anguishing it is for him? Not saying its the right way for me to live the rest of my life either, I think he agrees its not which is why he try's so hard to do more in other departments to make up for what he can't do. 

He would go so far to let me seek sex outside our marriage but I don't want to go down that path either.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

kpmg said:


> ConfusedGirl....I just wanted to give you my two cents on what could be happening to your husband.
> 
> 1. He must be watching too much porn and/or masturbating too often. If he is addicted to it, real life sex may not stimulate him as much as porn/imagination...



:iagree: This was going thru my mind while I read the opening post. Sure some are HD/LD, but if he has trouble orgasming, he is probably too used to porn and his own hand stimulation too often. Just my two cents.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

confusedgirl123 said:


> Right this has been the conclusion I've come to as well hence why I've stopped pressuring /begging /forcing the sex issue. He would do it to please me but how can I feel good about it or myself knowing how mentally anguishing it is for him? Not saying its the right way for me to live the rest of my life either, I think he agrees its not which is why he try's so hard to do more in other departments to make up for what he can't do.
> 
> He would go so far to let me seek sex outside our marriage but I don't want to go down that path either.


Can you get him to a doctor to discuss his issue of feeling on fire when someone touches him? Will he see either a medical doctor or a psychiatrist? Have you discussed these options with him?

I mean, what if the answer is his brain chemistry is whacked and some medication could fix this issue? What if he has some kind of tumor pressing against a section of his brain that, if removed, could give him a normal life? What if a therapist could unpack where this started from and help him over come it?

Maybe this problem can be managed or eliminated instead of endured his whole life.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Aspergers, sensory integration; touching is not as impactful to him as being touched. A disconnect somewhere in the brain where touch should bring comfort, but to the brain not wired correctly, touch brings confusing signals.
> 
> There is therapy for this. But he has to search for it, want it, and work it.
> 
> Sensory integration therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Odd you said this. My mind drifted to Aspbergers as well.


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