# ??? For the HD People



## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like? 

If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin? :smthumbup:

Isn't the whole point that you are having the sex vs. not getting it at all? 

I love my husband and is attracted to him, but I do know that we would have a lot more sex if he would initiate.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think for me, it's the sexual dynamic. I prefer more traditional relationships, with the male persuing me. I make no secret out of this. I do require someone who also has a high drive, because I need him to be flirtatious, very affectionate and sexually the aggressor to feel attracted to him.

I think a lot of women feel that way. 

However with men I understand needing to feel desired, but I feel the more they invest in their relationship, and do the intitiating, the sexier the wife will feel, and is a a dynamic lots of women need. So they should just get to it.  JMO


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> However with men I understand needing to feel desired, but I feel the more they invest in their relationship, and do the intitiating, the sexier the wife will feel, and is a a dynamic lots of women need. So they should just get to it.  JMO


:/


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Wait, wait...what? I thought the problem you were having, curious0, is that he wants sex ALL THE TIME... so, if he's wanting sex so much, but isn't initiating... isn't it because you are, admittedly, LD? And I am now curious as to what LD is, as far as you're concerned? I ask this because you said your husband can't stand to go one week without sex. Again, just curious whether you consider that HD or normal/regular drive...and how "low" is LD?

I really am confused when two thread seemingly say different things.... :scratchhead:


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## michelle38 (Jul 11, 2012)

Here's my bitter response

Because a when a man is not interested, you CANNOT force him. 

However, when a woman is not interested, she might still accommodate him. 

I know because I WAS the LD partner, and I almost always did the latter. Now it's my turn to be HD, and I am being rejected left and right. Pursuing further will only make things worse. 

So for me to keep initiating is just not gonna fly.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

curious0 said:


> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?
> 
> If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin? :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


Did you read your thread your last thread you started?:scratchhead:


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## Jersey86 (Jul 4, 2012)

Bitter answer from HD

I am tired of rejection i will wait so i can reject her


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

curious0 said:


> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?
> 
> If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin? :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


Everyone wants to be wanted by their SO. I don't like pity sex. I would rather help myself out, than have him sit there and put out because he knows he hasn't in a while. Luckily my H has figured that out now.

Why do HD people stop initiating? Usually because they are tired of being refused, mocked, or insulted.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Geeze once a week is average drive imo. Daily or multiple times a day would bebe hd imo and ld imo would be like once a month or less but I guess I'm the only one with that view?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Gaia said:


> ld imo would be like once a month or less but I guess I'm the only one with that view?


that is i believe looked at as basically a sexless marriage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> that is i believe looked at as basically a sexless marriage.


Ah... ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I think for me, it's the sexual dynamic. I prefer more traditional relationships, with the male persuing me. I make no secret out of this. I do require someone who also has a high drive, because I need him to be flirtatious, very affectionate and sexually the aggressor to feel attracted to him.]
> 
> :iagree:


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Gaia said:


> Geeze once a week is average drive imo. Daily or multiple times a day would bebe hd imo and ld imo would be like once a month or less but I guess I'm the only one with that view?


Thank goodness we are both girls and have no chance of being in a relationship, because once a week would make me want to hurt my H LMAO. Just goes to show you how vast perspectives can be on HD and LD


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Wait, wait...what? I thought the problem you were having, curious0, is that he wants sex ALL THE TIME... so, if he's wanting sex so much, but isn't initiating... isn't it because you are, admittedly, LD? And I am now curious as to what LD is, as far as you're concerned? I ask this because you said your husband can't stand to go one week without sex. Again, just curious whether you consider that HD or normal/regular drive...and how "low" is LD?
> 
> I really am confused when two thread seemingly say different things.... :scratchhead:


My first thread was about my husband getting upset and disconnecting when he doesn't get sex for 1 week due to period, and how I don't like having sex on my period. I believe my husband is HD but he doesn't like to initiate all the time. I tell him that if he starts it, then we will have more sex. I don't like initiating. I will have sex with my husband when he wants, but he wants me to be on his drive, and initiate about 75% of the time.

I think low is not initiating and minimal thoughts of sex. 

For me if my husband gets me in the mood then I will have sex with him and do other things. 

I started this thread because I had a question about it and I was reading another post about women not initating for HD people. 

Make sense?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> Did you read your thread your last thread you started?:scratchhead:



Yes and the last thread was about me not having sex while on my period, and how even if he ask for a BJ he wouldn't be happy without me having an orgasm. Yes I am a LD individual, but I will will have sex when he needs it if he started it. 

How is this confusing on contradicting what my last post was about ? 

One is about attitude and disconnecting when not getting sex for period purposes.

This one is about HD folks, wanting LD's to initiate as often as HD need it, or HD not initiating more to get sex. 

I am noway asexual...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> My first thread was about my husband getting upset and disconnecting when he doesn't get sex for 1 week due to period, and how I don't like having sex on my period. I believe my husband is HD but he doesn't like to initiate all the time. I tell him that if he starts it, then we will have more sex. I don't like initiating. I will have sex with my husband when he wants, but he wants me to be on his drive, and initiate about 75% of the time.
> 
> I think low is not initiating and minimal thoughts of sex.
> 
> ...


this makes it seem like you are not interested, regardless of your words.

i think if a man always has to be the pursuer and the female never does, that would make me feel like youre not really interested and you dont really desire him.

you dont think a guy wants more than just 'i will do it any time but dont expect me to ever initiate'?
not me.
i would want to know from your actions that you want it too.

women say they want to know they are desired by their man.
you dont think a man wants to feel the same way?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> this makes it seem like you are not interested, regardless of your words.
> 
> i think if a man always has to be the pursuer and the female never does, that would make me feel like youre not really interested and you dont really desire him.
> 
> ...


Interested and Desire is totally different. I show my husband that I am interested in him all the time. I also tell him that I desire him, but I have a hard time initiating. 

once the sex is started then I can make him feel those things since he can only understand it from sex. 

Sex has always been physical for me its never changed my emotional state.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I think for me, it's the sexual dynamic. I prefer more traditional relationships, with the male persuing me. I make no secret out of this. I do require someone who also has a high drive, because I need him to be flirtatious, very affectionate and sexually the aggressor to feel attracted to him.
> 
> I think a lot of women feel that way.
> 
> However with men I understand needing to feel desired, but I feel the more they invest in their relationship, and do the intitiating, the sexier the wife will feel, and is a a dynamic lots of women need. So they should just get to it.  JMO


I agree to a certain extent. While, yes, I think it's great for the guy to be the aggressor, I think it should be equal. I LOVE initiating. I feel sexy when my husband RESPONDS, not just with initiation. Can't have him doing it all. If that was the case, he would feel he was doing all the work. I think a relationship works better if they are on equal ground. But that's JMO.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> once the sex is started then I can make him feel those things since he can only understand it from sex.


this is not the same thing as showing a man BEFORE hand he is desired or that you are interested when you are.

just being always available and thats all youre willing to provide gets very old very fast.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

So is it more of a mind game? Since regardless who starts it, your still getting the same sex.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> So is it more of a mind game? Since regardless who starts it, your still getting the same sex.


sounds like a mind game alright.

so you get to feel desired, but not him?
thats how that works?
lol

i dont see where anything i posted is playing a mind game.
its a question of *FEELING* wanted and desired.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> Since regardless who starts it, your still getting the same sex.


and i could make the same point to you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

It's a mind game if your spouse wants you to SHOW, not just TELL that you find him/her desirable? To SHOW that you are attracted? I'll be honest, for the longest time, I had the same mindset as Little Deer... that my husband should be initiating all the time. Guess what? It got old. I felt like I was just going thru the motions, for him. When I started initiating more, he could see a difference. He KNEW I was into him because I actually SHOWED it to him. 

Here, as an example, I'm gonna go away from sex for a bit. Take the words "I love you" and "I love you, too". Now, if you are ALWAYS the one to say "I love you" first, don't you feel like the "I love you, too" is reactionary? A reflex? If you are both saying it to each other, it's more equal, less likely to appear reactionary.

Same thing with initiating sex. If one is constantly pursuing, it seems like the pursued is simply reacting to the advances. If both initiate equally, it doesn't seem to be a reflex action. KWIM?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I didn't say your post was a mind game I was asking you was it more of a mind game to initiate. Remember I don't get the feeling of being desired from Sex.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

also when a woman initiate, usually it doesnt take near as much to get the man going as it does for the woman to get going if the man initiates. but it lets him know you want him.

so if you are interested in having sex at any given time, whats the problem with you showing him?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> It's a mind game if your spouse wants you to SHOW, not just TELL that you find him/her desirable? To SHOW that you are attracted? I'll be honest, for the longest time, I had the same mindset as Little Deer... that my husband should be initiating all the time. Guess what? It got old. I felt like I was just going thru the motions, for him. When I started initiating more, he could see a difference. He KNEW I was into him because I actually SHOWED it to him.
> 
> Here, as an example, I'm gonna go away from sex for a bit. Take the words "I love you" and "I love you, too". Now, if you are ALWAYS the one to say "I love you" first, don't you feel like the "I love you, too" is reactionary? A reflex? If you are both saying it to each other, it's more equal, less likely to appear reactionary.
> 
> Same thing with initiating sex. If one is constantly pursuing, it seems like the pursued is simply reacting to the advances. If both initiate equally, it doesn't seem to be a reflex action. KWIM?


:smthumbup: Ok that I totally understand that.. Awesome !!! 
Im getting there.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I didn't say your post was a mind game I was asking you was it more of a mind game to initiate. Remember I don't get the feeling of being desired from Sex.


im sorry, dont think im fully understanding your question. :scratchhead:


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> also when a woman initiate, usually it doesnt take near as much to get the man going as it does for the woman to get going if the man initiates. but it lets him know you want him.
> 
> so if you are interested in having sex at any given time, whats the problem with you showing him?


I don't know, it feels desperate, unladylike to me. I feel like I'm the man in the bed.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I was by far the HD one in my marriage.

I honestly would have been fine with a responsive wife - by responsive I mean enthusiastic, not a limp noodle. While it would have been nice if my ex had regularly initiated, it ultimately is more of a bonus than a necessity.

I understand and accept that some women have a tough time initiating, just like some women may have to cheerfully provide if they do not want sex as much as the guy does. I just need the woman to be pleasantly responsive when its time. Am I a rarity in that regard?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> im sorry, dont think im fully understanding your question. :scratchhead:


I was asking was initiating more of a mind game when you are still getting the same quality of sex. You said,"so you get to feel desire and he doesn't" and I replied with I don't relate desire to sex. its always been a physical action that feels good.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

DTO said:


> I was by far the HD one in my marriage.
> 
> I honestly would have been fine with a responsive wife - by responsive I mean enthusiastic, not a limp noodle. While it would have been nice if my ex had regularly initiated, it ultimately is more of a bonus than a necessity.
> 
> :iagree:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I don't know, it feels desperate, unladylike to me. I feel like I'm the man in the bed.


well, i sure wouldnt think that of my partner for her to share in that and show her desire for me. i think that is a turn on, not that i think at all she should carry all of that, but once in a while i think is a good thing.

but then again, why cant you be desperate to get sex from your h once in a while, that certainly does not make you unladylike. it shows your desire for your h and boosts his ego.

but i think i understand where youre coming from now, just dont agree with what you think it means.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Women are socially conditioned differently to men, and it is often harder to be the initiator for many reasons.

However women often initiate, by dressing attractively in things their partner wants, by being open sexually and letting their partner know they are open. By grooming in certain ways, by flirting etc. Men should be paying attention to those things.

Many women will shut down and lose attraction to a man who is unwilling to flirt and persue her.

I also don't think it needs to be equal. It depends on the dynamic of the relationship. but there is nothing more sexy to me then a man taking control and being manly. If he wants a woman who takes control even half the time, then I'm not the woman for him, that is simply unmasculine and unnattractive to me and he should make it clear he's not up for it, wayyyy before marriage or serious commitment. Not pretend he's some flirty, sexually aggressive man who loves to take the lead.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I was asking was initiating more of a mind game when you are still getting the same quality of sex. You said,"so you get to feel desire and he doesn't" and I replied with I don't relate desire to sex. its always been a physical action that feels good.


but when your h initiates and shows his desire for you, that does not make you feel desired by him?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I'm high drive. I don't always ask or tell my husband I want sex. He likes to feel desired. 

I will mention it one time on one day, and back off from verbally coming onto him. 

He had told me its too much pressure. I just state it in a casual way, then touch him more. 

More hugs. Hand holding. I'll shave and make sure im fresh and clean. He picks up on my non verbal cues. 

I show him I like him and find him desirable. I get better results from touching than by telling him over and over I need sex. 

Since I'm not coming at him with a 2x4 I get a lot more sex that I like. And he gets a lot more blow jobs that he really loves. 

My husband isn't LD. He would like sex 2 maybe 3 times a week. I would like it 3 or 4 times a week. 

He would like blow jobs 7+ times a week. I could see maybe 5, but sometimes it cuts sex down a couple of times. 

Unless its that time of the month, then it's probably closer to 7 times for him. When he's stressed about work I just leave it alone. (sex)

I let him come to me for quickies and bjs. He always makes up for it later. 

So, I'm a slightly higher drive for sex, I don't always make a move for it because I know that's not how he likes it. 

And, he's higher drive for bjs, but dosent always make a move for it because I liked to be desired for it. 

So we are opposites. We can both state what we would like, then do non verbal things to show what we want. 

We have both changed our approach and bring our drives higher or lower to meet the needs of the other. 

If our drives were speed limits, for instance, I would be at 85 and he could be 45. 

He can speed up to 55 maybe 60, and I can slow down to 60/65. And we can talk about what could happen to bring the lower speed up a little higher.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I don't know, it feels desperate, unladylike to me. I feel like I'm the man in the bed.


Yep, I'm not into women. I want to go to bed with a real man.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Women are socially conditioned differently to men, and it is often harder to be the initiator for many reasons.
> 
> However women often initiate, by dressing attractively in things their partner wants, by being open sexually and letting their partner know they are open. By grooming in certain ways, by flirting etc. Men should be paying attention to those things.
> 
> ...


for some reason, that strikes me as hilarious.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Geeze once a week is average drive imo. Daily or multiple times a day would bebe hd imo and ld imo would be like once a month or less but I guess I'm the only one with that view?


I might make the low end a little higher on the LD less than once every two weeks would be LD in my book.

Also consider that people do have a range they are comfortable with. For example a person might only become unhappy at 1 time per week, is just fine at 3-4 but would be unhappy with daily.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

michelle38 said:


> Because a when a man is not interested, you CANNOT force him.


I could never stay limp if my penis was in my wife's mouth.

But that's just me.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I also don't think it needs to be equal. It depends on the dynamic of the relationship. but there is nothing more sexy to me then a man taking control and being manly. If he wants a woman who takes control even half the time, then I'm not the woman for him, that is simply unmasculine and unnattractive to me and he should make it clear he's not up for it, wayyyy before marriage or serious commitment. Not pretend he's some flirty, sexually aggressive man who loves to take the lead.


If you've got that, don't break him.

I can tell you that you can break such a man by turning him down enough times.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> If you've got that, don't break him.
> 
> I can tell you that you can break such a man by turning him down enough times.


for some reason  i dont think that happens


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> but when your h initiates and shows his desire for you, that does not make you feel desired by him?


No, I don't sorry!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> If you've got that, don't break him.
> 
> I can tell you that you can break such a man by turning him down enough times.


Don't worry I don't turn him down, and don't plan on ever doing so.

We both care about each others needs. He is perfect for me.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Women are socially conditioned differently to men, and it is often harder to be the initiator for many reasons.
> 
> However women often initiate, by dressing attractively in things their partner wants, by being open sexually and letting their partner know they are open. By grooming in certain ways, by flirting etc. Men should be paying attention to those things.
> 
> ...


:iagree: thank you Deer ! someone who understands me


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

It would be a lot harder for me to deny my husband, then to initiate. I feel its my job to satisfy my husband, then to start it. I guess im an ol skool. or misunderstood.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Thank goodness we are both girls and have no chance of being in a relationship, because once a week would make me want to hurt my H LMAO. Just goes to show you how vast perspectives can be on HD and LD


Lmao if your assuming that my view on hd and ld means I only want sex like once a week then you got me all wrong. I came about this opinion by observing others with hearing about how much sex they desired. I would consider myself in the hd category as I would initate sex with my SO multiple times a day, every day. Hell I could masterbate before hand and still want it. The only time I never wanted it was when I was preggy. That was because I was constantly puking, uncomfortable, and later in the pregnancy... was in pain. But yeah... I had my man asking me for a few days break lmao
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I don't know, it feels desperate, unladylike to me. I feel like I'm the man in the bed.


Well hell if its unladylike to initate then I sure as hell ain't no lady! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I might make the low end a little higher on the LD less than once every two weeks would be LD in my book.
> 
> Also consider that people do have a range they are comfortable with. For example a person might only become unhappy at 1 time per week, is just fine at 3-4 but would be unhappy with daily.


I know people are different in this aspect, that's where I came up with my view on it. Now if it were individually then yes as an individual once a week would be ld by my standards lol.. I just thought we were talking about hd and ld in general terms? If that makes sense....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't know.....just seems unfair to make the other person do all the work, while the other reaps all the reward of being loved on and desired. 

It's my job and my husbands job to give satisfaction. If I feel loved the way I want to feel love, then I should make him feel loved the way he wants it, the way he needs it. 

We don't have the same love language, mine is "gifts" and "touch". His is "quality time" and "words of affirmation". 

What if I only made him do the things I liked??? I don't need to spend a lot of time one on one everyday. 

He needs it. I often think of things for us to do as a couple. I find ways to make it fun and special for him. 

What if I didn't??? He's very giving, and will let his needs go unnoticed to meet mine. 

What if I didn't put in a little extra work for him??? 

How long will he go meeting my needs and wants???

I too was upfront about a lot of things I wanted. But as years go by, you change and adapt to your partner. 

For a long time I didn't initiate sex with him. He thought I was LD. He didn't like it, but excepted it. 

Dosent mean he was 100% thrilled about it. He didn't think I loved him the same way he loved me. 

He stopped trying to figure out what I wanted and just went with whatever he thought would render him the out come of sex. 

I told him what I liked but actions speak louder than words. And my actions were not matching my words. 

I have always told him I like sex with him, but I rarely acted on it. So, if I like it so much, how come I never showed it??

When we were 19/20 it didn't matter who started what. At that age you are always ready to go. 

By 25/26, my drive went into over time. He thought it was a phase and would pass. He would turn me down a lot. 

A few years later I told him I wanted sex all the time, well news to him. He was a bit surprised. 

It took him a while to be used to me being all over him. Kinda a double edge sword. He likes the attention, but I have accustomed him to a certain way, and now I have to slow my role. 

Now I'm getting the back lash of never being the one who pursued him all those years ago.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I would say that men and women have been conditioned differently and that it often takes much longer for women to become aroused, this is often because some men are not letting their wives know that they do find them attractive. They are also not taking the lead. No woman i know is usually instantly horny for no reason. Often it takes a continued effort from our husbands to get or keep us aroused. 

Knowing you are desired and having your husband flirt with you is one way. 

Many men on this site, have even stated that when they manned up, took the lead, started flirting and complimenting and so that their LD spouse suddenly wanted them.

I need to be in a relationship where the man leads and cares about and creates passion in our marriage. Luckily i'm in that relationship.

Mine keeps me interested in me by doing everything possible to keep us engaged sexually and connected, he's flirtatious, he compliments, he's manly, he takes control, he talks dirty, on a daily basis. In turn I am very turned on and open to sex at any time. If he did not do that, the desire would not be there. We both know this way that we are desired. I don't think he doubts that i want him and everything he does is a huge turn on.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My drive is higher than my husband's. Not by a great deal, but enough so that I notice. We have come to a compromise which works for us; making love at least three times a week but not every night. 

I like it when he initiates because it makes me feel desired and feminine. I don't mind pouncing on my husband with a blow job or making teasing phone calls, so he can get hard at this desk while I whisper in his ear. We have a good balance. If I think my husband has not been initiating enough, I just drop hints or wait for him to come to me for a change.

LD, I can become aroused by just thinking about sex. I realize that I am a rare woman.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> LD, I can become aroused by just thinking about sex. I realize that I am a rare woman.


I can become aroused thinking about sex too, I am usually HD. However I can lose attraction for my partner if they do not make the effort to keep my interest. I am willing to do things they like too though.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

My wife has told me she rather I initiate. I don't have a problem with that but when I get turned down over and over, or she has an excuse even before I get a chance to initiate, I don't have a desire to initiate. She also has many conditions when it comes to sex; mainly it is in the bedroom, at bedtime, in the dark, in the missionary position. I get shot down trying to get her out of her comfort zone. This zone is very small and locked from the inside unfortunately.

So anyone who says they want their husband to initiate where he currently does not, think about my situation above.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I can become aroused thinking about sex too, I am usually HD. However I can lose attraction for my partner if they do not make the effort to keep my interest. I am willing to do things they like too though.


This actually relates to my point above. My wife does nothing to keep me interested. That is another reason why I don't bother initiating. Note that I am a HD spouse too and am ready to go more often than not.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> for some reason  i dont think that happens


Yeah, it happened to me.

And it's common. Turn a guy down enough and he'll do one of three things.

Leave
Cheat
Wallow in self doubt and no longer initiate


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

curious0 said:


> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?
> 
> If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin? :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


Because I'm married and I don't believe in working for p***y from my wife, who is my life partner. There needs to be mutual attraction, and desire, in my marriage. It's absurd to me to be constantly in hot pursuit of sex with my damn WIFE. I see so many people around here working overtime, jumping through hoops, building up whole strategies, just to get laid with the people who are suppose to WANT to lay them on a regular basis. I would never stand to be in a marriage where I was constantly initiating love making with my wife. That's a hell no. She better want me, and she better want me bad enough to initiate sometimes, because this is a two way street. Otherwise why is she even my wife?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Wow!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Pandakiss said:


> I'm high drive. I don't always ask or tell my husband I want sex. He likes to feel desired.
> 
> I will mention it one time on one day, and back off from verbally coming onto him.
> 
> ...


If your husband would love a BJ seven days a week, he's got a high drive comparable to you. That's just HD with a desire for a _specific_ form of sex. You seem to draw a line between "sex" and a simple "BJ". A blow job IS sex, and if he's craving it that much then the discrepancy isn't drive, it's in what kind of sexual activity you deem as actual "sex". 

You even say you "let him" come to you for "BJs" and "quickies", and then he "makes up for it later". There is a very strong distinction here between how you classify legitimate sex, and sexual activities you deem as lesser than, or incomplete. You're dealing with a husband who has just as high a drive as you, if what you're saying is accurate, but who simply has a different perspective on fulfilling sexual activity.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well hell if its unladylike to initate then I sure as hell ain't no lady! Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:toast:

Give me an "unlady" like woman who actually craves sex, and comes at me hungrily because she just needs to screw me, ANY day of the week over an "old fashioned" woman who is sitting around waiting for some dude to constantly make her feel desired. Please. Most women have ZERO clue how many men would love to be pursued sometimes. Too many men are programmed to think that sex is something that we want, and something most women "let" us have. I feel sorry for the men who haven't, at least once in their lives, had a woman who just _needed_ to have them so badly that they just took them. There are few things hotter than seeing a woman in that position of sexual power and liberation.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Yep, I'm not into women. I want to go to bed with a real man.


Funny, I have a *real man*. And my real man LOVES it when I grab his hand and drag him into the bedroom.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well hell if its unladylike to initate then I sure as hell ain't no lady! Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You and me both sister!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I'm HD and W is zero/low drive. She hasn't initiated in years, other than a "I owe you." offer after she's turned me down for a few nights. I used to let it bother me, but just figured eff it, it is what it is. I used to complain to her about frequency and her never initiating. Eff that as well. Now, I just come on strong whenever I want it, and she usually doesn't turn me down.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

curious0 said:


> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?
> 
> If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin? :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


I don't care who initiates it,long as it's awesome when it happens.
Life is too short to be picky about "ooh he's/she's not chasing me,he/she must not desire me". 
Am i getting lovin? yes. and that's all the matters to me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

curious0 said:


> Wow!


WOW! is the perfect way to describe our sex life, so thank you for the apt adjective.

:smthumbup:



Maricha75 said:


> Funny, I have a *real man*. And my real man LOVES it when I grab his hand and drag him into the bedroom.


Take solace in knowing that your man just isn't "real" enough for Little Deer, so the chances of him ever ending up in her bed are nill.

I know it's small comfort, but it's the little things that bring us peace of mind!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Yeah, it happened to me.
> 
> And it's common. Turn a guy down enough and he'll do one of three things.
> 
> ...


At the same time, if he's also the only one making the moves, he will get BORED. It will take its toll on him, even if it takes 10-15 years to get to him. What someone may think works in the relationship is actually the other person mot making waves.

I can't say that we women as a whole are conditioned to only be responsive to our spouses. I grew up in a conservative home. My friends are all conservative. And yet, I know that my husband and I are EQUAL when it comes to sex. We both initiate (and that isn't just by wearing cute little outfits ). We both refuse at times. The thing is, I learned already that he wanted me to ACT not simply REACT. And, by passively letting him pursue, I was simply REACTING. Not a good thing in relationships I know personally. But, that's JMO


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Funny, I have a *real man*. And my real man LOVES it when I grab his hand and drag him into the bedroom.


i think what she is implying is more a father/child type relationship between 2 supposedly adult partners.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> At the same time, if he's also the only one making the moves, he will get BORED. It will take its toll on him, even if it takes 10-15 years to get to him. What someone may think works in the relationship is actually the other person mot making waves.
> 
> I can't say that we women as a whole are conditioned to only be responsive to our spouses. I grew up in a conservative home. My friends are all conservative. And yet, I know that my husband and I are EQUAL when it comes to sex. We both initiate (and that isn't just by wearing cute little outfits ). We both refuse at times. The thing is, I learned already that he wanted me to ACT not simply REACT. And, by passively letting him pursue, I was simply REACTING. Not a good thing in relationships I know personally. But, that's JMO


perfect.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I can't say that we women as a whole are conditioned to only be responsive to our spouses. I grew up in a conservative home. My friends are all conservative. And yet, I know that my husband and I are EQUAL when it comes to sex. We both initiate (and that isn't just by wearing cute little outfits ). We both refuse at times. The thing is, I learned already that he wanted me to ACT not simply REACT. And, by passively letting him pursue, I was simply REACTING. Not a good thing in relationships I know personally. But, that's JMO



You are so speaking my language this morning. This is exactly how we roll in our marriage.

And the "cute outfits" cracked me up. My wife ALWAYS wears "cute outfits". That's not a secret, subtle invitation that she maybe ready for me to gear up and try and woo her into sex she may, or may not, want. :rofl:

I can't believe there are so many fellas having to go through all this damn WORK to screw their wives. It's unbelievable to me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?
> 
> *If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin?* :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


There's your problem. If you look at the majority of HD people on these boards, there complaint is more about not wanting to bother trying because they know they'll get turned down, or at least have a strong chance of doing so.

Few people complain that they get it whenever they want, but want the other person to iniate more often (which is a valid complaint as well).

To answer you question though, while the ultimate goal often is sex, there is a need as well to feel attractive. When one side is always the pursuer, it leaves you with the question of "is she/he having sex with me because she/he loves me/thinks I'm attractive/etc. or just because they feel obligated?"

If one side NEVER initiates, the other will eventually question why they are having sex. 

But as I said before, this is more of the minority here it seems. For many HD people, they have reduced how often they try and initiate because they know they have a higher probability of being rejected by their spouse/partner. That feeling sucks, so why would they want to go through it more often?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Gaia said:


> Lmao if your assuming that my view on hd and ld means I only want sex like once a week then you got me all wrong. I came about this opinion by observing others with hearing about how much sex they desired. I would consider myself in the hd category as I would initate sex with my SO multiple times a day, every day. Hell I could masterbate before hand and still want it. The only time I never wanted it was when I was preggy. That was because I was constantly puking, uncomfortable, and later in the pregnancy... was in pain. But yeah... I had my man asking me for a few days break lmao
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Phew, now if I ever decide to bat for the other team, you will be on my list ROFL:rofl:


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> WOW! is the perfect way to describe our sex life, so thank you for the apt adjective.
> 
> :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


----------



## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Ok, so folks are getting real worked up about this. I wasn't asking the question, so that it could cause a lot of hostility and fault-finding. 

The question wasn't to focus on HD folks being rejected. It was HD in wanting sex 4-5 days a week. The ones who have sex on the mind 90% of the time. ( generic description)

I do initiate with my husband, but I know we would have more sex if he did initiate when he wanted it. So he wouldn't be laying in bed wondering if I wanted sex or not. 

I get aroused talking about sex, watching sex, reading about sex, So I'm not against it at all. Now I always tell my husband he is sexy, pump him up, etc etc 

But there is only minimal times when I will jump his bone. The first two times, I did that I made babies. ( he will tell you that I seduced him) 

I have even taught him a few things in the bedroom. 

I remember someone telling me that my sex life is sex life, and that I can not compare what I do for him, and so on as benefits towards sex. 

So separating that its not safe to say that I am getting all the desire and chase. when I don't feel desire nor attractive from sex!

now him flirting with me, telling me I look good or complimenting me Yes, is different. 

I also initiate compliments which don't have the same weight as me initiating sex. Got It .....

Also assume that I'm getting everything my way and not allowing him is really an under statement, but there will be other post for that.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I do initiate with my husband, but I know we would have more sex if he did initiate when he wanted it. So he wouldn't be laying in bed wondering if I wanted sex or not.


Not to derail the thread here, but when he does initiate, how often does he get rejected? As I said, I don't initiate as much with my fiancee either because I do get turned down regularly (50% of the time or so, maybe a bit more than that). 

If he's getting turned aside regularly, he may not want to try for fear of getting rejected. He likely knows he could get more if he asked, but also can get rejected more often too.

It's like a baseball player at the plate. You know if you swing at every pitch you'll likely get more homeruns, but you'll also strike out a lot more as well. You have to learn to be selective and pick your moment.

Unless you are really lucky and manage to get a spouse who is like a pitcher in the homerun derby that lobs slow 'fastballs' down the middle of the plate that are just begging to be driven out of the park. Just like in baseball, very few of us get those type of opportunities though.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

There were times he would get rejected 60% of the time due an injury. I was hurt about 3 years ago, and required 3 surgeries on my neck, which was very painful. Also he was gone with the Military a lot and we had small babies. So yes that may have been the case. But kids are more bigger and I am determine to get us back on track ! And things are getting better. But initiating as often as his drive is still a challenge.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Cinderella is a fairy tale not a self help guide. If you think normal is being a chased chaste princess you need to reexamine your maturity. This was in fact the straw that broke with my wife. She announced that as 'the girl' she did not have to ever make any effort, do any thing or ever take any responsibility for sex or intimacy. As if she was a Disney character; that being adored from afar, look don't touch, was what she was aiming for. Who knows really because I stopped listening or worrying about it at that point. That's just insane and I can't fix that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Or - just be honest and admit it's a head game and you're only in it to secretly indulge your dark desire to be the world's most impossible beotch and passive aggressive tyrant martyr (that goes for men too).

Maybe when you unpack it all, you discover your "LD" mate really just has a streak of psychotic hatred for you in them and there's nothing better than making you suffer, even if they suffer too. I simply refuse to believe that sexuality is that complicated that if a butterfly in Indonesia flaps its wings, no badonka donk for you.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Jaquen and Maricha75 are on fire in this thread! In a good way!

I know tastes differ and that some folks like the submissive life style, but I, too, prefer the "unladylike," randy, let's get it on woman!

Well, as long as I'm the only focus.

Does that mean I'm not a man?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

curious0 said:


> So separating that its not safe to say that I am getting all the desire and chase. when I don't feel desire nor attractive from sex!


So let me make sure I am understanding you clearly.

Since you say you don't feel desired or attractive from sex, would it be perfectly OK for you if your husband stopped initiating and you guys feel into a sexless marriage? If he suddenly declared he no longer had interest in having sex with you, but would continue to validate you in the ways that do make you feel attractive, would a marriage devoid of sex be acceptable to you?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Does that mean I'm not a man?


No, it means you just won't be sleeping with a couple of the women on this board.

I think you'll live.

:rofl:


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Because I'm married and I don't believe in working for p***y from my wife, who is my life partner. There needs to be mutual attraction, and desire, in my marriage. It's absurd to me to be constantly in hot pursuit of sex with my damn WIFE. I see so many people around here working overtime, jumping through hoops, building up whole strategies, just to get laid with the people who are suppose to WANT to lay them on a regular basis. I would never stand to be in a marriage where I was constantly initiating love making with my wife. That's a hell no. She better want me, and she better want me bad enough to initiate sometimes, because this is a two way street. Otherwise why is she even my wife?


THANK YOU. I have been waiting to see a man post the man's viewpoint of what I posted weeks ago ... let's see if I can find it ... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ionate-wife-self-devastated-3.html#post873945

I feel better now, I was starting to think I was the only one here who felt this way.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I don't believe in Fairy tales my friend. Just life !


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I don't believe in Fairy tales my friend. Just life !


What fairytale? :scratchhead:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

jaharthur said:


> Jaquen and Maricha75 are on fire in this thread! In a good way!
> 
> I know tastes differ and that some folks like the submissive life style, but I, too, prefer the "unladylike," randy, let's get it on woman!
> 
> ...


lol, you know it does


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Jaquen and Maricha75 are on fire in this thread! In a good way!
> 
> I know tastes differ and that some folks like the submissive life style, but I, too, prefer the "unladylike," randy, let's get it on woman!
> 
> ...


Not to this "unladylike" LADY!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

curious0 said:


> I don't believe in Fairy tales my friend. Just life !


Well if that were the case then why sit and expect the man to do all the chasing? Don't get me wrong, I do believe that a man should pursue the woman too but to expect him to do it all the time seems a bit fairytaleish to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> So let me make sure I am understanding you clearly.
> 
> Since you say you don't feel desired or attractive from sex, would it be perfectly OK for you if your husband stopped initiating and you guys feel into a sexless marriage? If he suddenly declared he no longer had interest in having sex with you, but would continue to validate you in the ways that do make you feel attractive, would a marriage devoid of sex be acceptable to you?


about two years ago, sex once a month would be fine.

now, no because I know how much it means to HIM.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> What fairytale? :scratchhead:


Im starting to think that you like trying to make me look stupid. 

If you read up a little bit, it was posted that Cinderella is a fairy tale and the way I wanted things wasn't realistic .


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well if that were the case then why sit and expect the man to do all the chasing? Don't get me wrong, I do believe that a man should pursue the woman too but to expect him to do it all the time seems a bit fairytaleish to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not one time did I say I want him to do all the work, I asked why didnt HD want to initiate more to satisfy their Drive.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Not to this "unladylike" LADY!


I wasnt saying women who initiate wasnt ladylike, I envy the ones that can. It was asked to me, why I didnt and I said me feeling unladylike ! you guys are not here to help, you just want to make an A** out of some people who are not on the same level! almost like bullying, like not everyone is created equal and when someone is trying to ask to better themselves you are here to make them feel childish, and unworthy of a great relationship !!! Thanks !!!


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> No, it means you just won't be sleeping with a couple of the women on this board.
> 
> I think you'll live.
> 
> :rofl:



Glad this thread amuses you.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

curious0 said:


> about two years ago, sex once a month would be fine.
> 
> now, no because I know how much it means to HIM.


OK. Thanks for being honest.

So what does make you feel validated and alive?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> I think you are conflating drive with desire, that's all.
> 
> People with HD also want to feel desired. The easiest way to make your partner feel desired is to pursue them.
> 
> ...


I think you are right to a point. I just didn't put desire and the pursuit together. I have always been able to make ex feel desired by my act of sex vs. initiating it.. I like feeling desire without the sex. I guess you could call me a tease !!! (not intentional though) I can have sex, I can do the other position, I even enjoy anal, its just the takeoff that gets me everytime.

initiating is a lot of pressure and makes it feel like a chore at times. I know the guys are going to say that its tiring but I have always known men who love the chase .


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> OK. Thanks for being honest.
> 
> So what does make you feel validated and alive?


Im not sure can say I have been alive in a long time, not sure what that means anymore. A lot of my thinking and growing up has been tainted. so I'm learning all over again. SAD I know at 30


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

curious0 said:


> about two years ago, sex once a month would be fine.
> 
> now, no because I know how much it means to HIM.


Thats great, thats kind of where we stand on it and I try to show my appreciation in many ways. I try to keep my hands to myself most of the time but I thought it would fade after a few years but the coolidge effect hasn't settled in yet.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> Ok, so folks are getting real worked up about this. I wasn't asking the question, so that it could cause a lot of hostility and fault-finding.
> 
> The question wasn't to focus on HD folks being rejected. It was HD in wanting sex 4-5 days a week. The ones who have sex on the mind 90% of the time. ( generic description)
> 
> ...


as i feel men should not have to initiate 100% of the time, i certainly agree that women should not either.

i dont believe in 50/50 split in things as in keeping score in a relationship.

as i said before, i think whoever is feeling like they want it at any given time should initiate.
with that i dont think that if the woman initiates that the man should assume she is just ready to go and forego any foreplay.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I don't think anyone here is trying to bully. We are just posting our POVs on this subject. If I offended you I apoligize, I certaintly didn't mean to come across that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Why do HD people stop initiating? Usually because they are tired of being refused, mocked, or insulted.


This is so true. You kinda lose your steam when you are rejected over and over again. 

If you look at human behavior from a "behavioral" angle, a person who initiates/seduces repeatedly without ever succeeding will have no motivation to initiate/seduce in the future. It's just not worth it. If every time you try to initiate lovemaking you are mocked or insulted, you will no longer initiate lovemaking. If you get lucky every once in a while, you may even try harder to massage, wine, dine, etc. If you get lucky more often when you pout and whine, you may pout and whine instead. 

The person controlling access to a scarce resource (i.e., sexual fulfillment) can shape a partner's behavior quite effectively, just as much as a parent can shape the behavior of a child who has learned that whining and screaming works while being good doesn't. Further more, a good parent knows that you don't give up the best rewards all the time, you need to keep the best rewards somewhat in reserve. You can't give a kid an ice cream cone every time they say please and thank you, the kid would become fat and lose enthusiasm. If you NEVER give an ice cream cone, the kid may learn it's easier to buy a donut surreptitiously.

The casinos have this down pretty well. They pay off with a small jackpot just often enough to keep the money coming in, and pay off with the real thing infrequently. In this way, they remain entirely in control of the good stuff, and have lots of happy customers.

I'm not saying you SHOULD apply the same rules casinos use in the bedroom, but just be aware that 

Behavior changes as a direct result of consequences
If you want something to happen more often, reinforce it 
If you want something to happen less often, don't reinforce it
This phenomenon happens in every human interaction. 

If you are unaware of it, you can be manipulated 
If you are aware of it, you can help tilt the odds in your own favor
To put it all in perspective, remember EVERY aspect of an interaction is important

If lovemaking only satisfies one party, the other party may not feel inclined to participate in the future
A long history of a particular pattern of behavior can be hard to overcome


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

curious0 said:


> Im starting to think that you like trying to make me look stupid.
> 
> If you read up a little bit, it was posted that Cinderella is a fairy tale and the way I wanted things wasn't realistic .


I thought I had read all the posts. I guess I missed the Cinderella reference. If that is the case, I apologize. I wasn't, not am I, trying to make you look stupid. That wasn't my intention at all. Again, I apologize for that miscommunication.



curious0 said:


> Not one time did I say I want him to do all the work, I asked why didnt HD want to initiate more to satisfy their Drive.


Many have stated that they don't initiate more because their LD spouses shoot them down more often than not. When that happens so much, you get to the point where you ask "why bother?" 



curious0 said:


> I wasnt saying women who initiate wasnt ladylike, I envy the ones that can. It was asked to me, why I didnt and I said me feeling unladylike ! you guys are not here to help, you just want to make an A** out of some people who are not on the same level! almost like bullying, like not everyone is created equal and when someone is trying to ask to better themselves you are here to make them feel childish, and unworthy of a great relationship !!! Thanks !!!


I never said that YOU were calling those of us women who initiate "unladylike". It was addressed to a different poster, not you. She said it is unladylike for a woman to initiate sex, to pursue her spouse for sex, etc. I disagree. I am a lady thru and thru. But I also initiate a lot. I don't keep score. My point is that having the same thing, day in, day out...gets OLD. Being the only one who makes advances GETS OLD. Being the one who always says "I love you" first... GETS OLD. In order to keep things fresh, you need to be willing to try new things. I get that initiating is hard for some women. It was tough for me at first too. But, when I learned that it turned HIM on more? HELL YES! I'm going for it! I get turned on whether he initiates or I initiate. 

You're right, "what difference does it make if you're getting the sex you want"... It doesn't make a difference, per se. But, what DOES make a difference is if one feels like he or she is doing all the work. If that's the case, then yea, things need to change.

Curious0, I read about your husband not initiating and that you do it because you know he would like sex. Honestly? If you don't want to initiate, don't. Seriously. Don't. He's not putting forth the effort. Not sure why, but you may be right about the past issues (small children, etc). Sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel about being the one doing it all the time. He just might surprise you... if you spell it all out to him.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

curious0 said:


> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?


I think one facet is the comparative effort required in the HD/LD dynamic. My wife and I don't have these kinds of problems now, but back when we did, this is how it went:

*She initiates: *She gently pulls her collar back to reveal the fact that she's not wearing an 'everyday' bra. Total elapsed time: One second.

*I initiate:* I take her out to dinner at a restaurant she likes and order her a big, frozen margarita. -Maybe two. We go home and watch a romantic movie together with my arm around her. We talk about every tiny detail of her day right down to the facial expressions of her coworkers. Gradually she shifts gears mentally and starts to feel amorous. Total elapsed time: Three hours+

Now I'm not complaining here. I'm just pointing out that if your partner consistently preferred a massive effort on your part over a minimal effort on theirs; it would be easy to start feeling that they don't care, aren't committed, or maybe even are a little lazy.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

curious0 said:


> initiating is a lot of pressure and makes it feel like a chore at times. I know the guys are going to say that its tiring but I have always known men who love the chase .


I think all men love the chase. Just like all people (in general) prefer a homecooked meal to fast food. Doesn't mean every once in a while a trip to Subway isn't a good idea. Same rule applies in sex and marriage, men do like to chase, but sometimes you like it if the prey comes to you and you don't have to do the work this time.



2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> with that i dont think that if the woman initiates that the man should assume she is just ready to go and forego any foreplay.


If anything, the foreplay should be better. It's a lot easier for the HD person to get into foreplay if they know there will be a payoff at the end. Nothing sucks more than being in the mood, having a partner that seems interested, you go through all the physical stuff of foreplay and then its lights out. It sounds mean, but I don't think it's done with intent to be mean (by most people). It does happen that way though and that can cause a lot of issues and problems if it's a common or even close to common issue.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

my DH is more HD than me but he very often waits for me to initiate. so I gotta ask, if I know he's waiting for me to initiate, isn't he really the one initiating?? LOL I was thinking about that last night. 

anyway long story short we mix in lots of other things like HJ, BJ, "combo" (hj/bj), prostate massage, basic man on top sex, then every 2-3 weeks we have buffet night where we kick the kids out of the house, stock up on wine and lube and have a 12 hour extravaganza. 

last week I got 2 dozen red roses "just cause" and guess what? "angling for sex" was the furthest thing from his mind; he just wanted to know he was thinking of me. he doesn't need to "angle for sex" - he knows he's getting it ... as he should ... as any man should!!


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I'm puzzled by the thought that initiating is a big chore. Let's say I'm sitting next to my wife on the couch and she runs a hand up the inside of my thigh and catches my eye.

Done. Time for bed.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

LOL exactly. initiating doesn't take much here, either, but DH does like me to make the first move. I kind of think he's waiting to see what I am in the mood for :-D since he figures he'll be pretty happy with it, whatever it is.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> *I initiate:* I take her out to dinner at a restaurant she likes and order her a big, frozen margarita. -Maybe two. We go home and watch a romantic movie together with my arm around her. We talk about every tiny detail of her day right down to the facial expressions of her coworkers. Gradually she shifts gears mentally and starts to feel amorous. Total elapsed time: Three hours+


:banghead:

If I had to go through all this to get some nookie, I'd just rather spend the damn money on myself and have a lovely evening date with Mr. Right Hand Man.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

mina said:


> LOL exactly. initiating doesn't take much here, either, but DH does like me to make the first move. I kind of think he's waiting to see what I am in the mood for :-D since he figures he'll be pretty happy with it, whatever it is.


But apparently it requires a PhD is post modern feminist Marxist studies, a 12 hour discussion and 18 failed attempts before he has 'proved' himself to her grudging regretful attentions.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

mina said:


> my DH is more HD than me but he very often waits for me to initiate. so I gotta ask, if I know he's waiting for me to initiate, isn't he really the one initiating?? LOL I was thinking about that last night.
> 
> anyway long story short we mix in lots of other things like HJ, BJ, "combo" (hj/bj), prostate massage, basic man on top sex, then every 2-3 weeks we have buffet night where we kick the kids out of the house, stock up on wine and lube and have a 12 hour extravaganza.
> 
> last week I got 2 dozen red roses "just cause" and guess what? "angling for sex" was the furthest thing from his mind; he just wanted to know he was thinking of me. he doesn't need to "angle for sex" - he knows he's getting it ... as he should ... as any man should!!


I am in love with your posts. They need to be required reading on this board.

:smthumbup:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> :banghead:
> 
> If I had to go through all this to get some nookie, I'd just rather spend the damn money on myself and have a lovely evening date with Mr. Right Hand Man.


And god forfend you spoil it all by using the wrong fork or possibly interrupting her dessert order. Then it's the Olympic gold medal in sulking.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I dont harvest any hate for my husband nor do i want to cause any pain to him. For you to think I would do that out of spite is crazy! I would just leave him nothing other my love him keeps me there!


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Havee you ever explained that to your partner?[/QUOTE]

Yes i have, and he is working with me more then willingly. He knows how hard it is for me


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> It is a lot of pressure! Which is why when you are married, it's nice to take the pressure off of your partner to create desire every one in a while.
> 
> Some men definitely enjoy the chase more than others, but eventually we all get tired of chasing and want to be chased for a little bit. If your natural drive is around once a month, it's definitely harder to work up that natural aptitude to chase and I think LittleDeer hit on something pretty important.
> 
> ...


That's exactly how many women initiate, and as men claim they are visual, it should be quite obvious, if they are paying attention.

Also OP what was your husband like before marriage? Did he flirt with you and initiate often?


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> :banghead:
> 
> If I had to go through all this to get some nookie, I'd just rather spend the damn money on myself and have a lovely evening date with Mr. Right Hand Man.


if you are taking care of home right, I wouldnt think you had to jump through all those hoops. But it seems like your comment only on everything outside of the Sex being good.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

jaquen said:


> If your husband would love a BJ seven days a week, he's got a high drive comparable to you. That's just HD with a desire for a _specific_ form of sex. You seem to draw a line between "sex" and a simple "BJ". A blow job IS sex, and if he's craving it that much then the discrepancy isn't drive, it's in what kind of sexual activity you deem as actual "sex".
> 
> You even say you "let him" come to you for "BJs" and "quickies", and then he "makes up for it later". There is a very strong distinction here between how you classify legitimate sex, and sexual activities you deem as lesser than, or incomplete. You're dealing with a husband who has just as high a drive as you, if what you're saying is accurate, but who simply has a different perspective on fulfilling sexual activity.




thats what i said, i said we have different things we like. we are exact oppsites and this is how we are different. we have different intimacies.

and i have never said that blow jobs, eating out, piv, anal, doggie was all in different catigories. its all sex, i have always said that. i was making the clarity for understanding.

we both have our thing that we like, and we both like to be wooed. 

but my point was, i am very in your face, i dont hold back, i tell you the way its gonna be. my husband feels pressure so i back off, and start non sexual touching, and dont have to hound him.

im still am being the one stepping up the game that day, with touching, and flirting, but im not going to hard. i also said if he is stressed out from work, then i wont put more pressure on him for sex.

i just sit back and be chill. he will come to me for blow jobs, and quickies, and dont put the sexual pressure on him when he is already stressed out.

that is the only time i dont come on to him, and i tone down the flirting and suggestive tone. it the only time i let him come to me...

and damn skippy he makes it up to me later...wink---if we had 5 bj sessions, then i WILL get sex the way i like. he will do things i like. i do things he likes. sorry if you dont agree.

its give/take...50/50. its too easy to sit back, and take, take, take..and forget to give back. i make the effort to give back to him.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> That's exactly how many women initiate, and as men claim they are visual, it should be quite obvious, if they are paying attention.
> 
> Also OP what was your husband like before marriage? Did he flirt with you and initiate often?


so you can put the effort into putting on things you think he should take as showing youre interested, but you dont think you should put any actual effort into it.

by the way, i do like the dressing up, you know, catholic girl get up.
nice white nighties and see through panties and such, but i still think there is more to showing initiation when these things do not come into play.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> its give/take...50/50. its too easy to sit back, and take, take, take..and forget to give back. i make the effort to give back to him.


right, i agree.
and i think there is more to giving back on the part of the woman than just the willingness to spread her legs at any given moment.
i think at least every now and then she should actually put in some effort. how much effort to lay there with your legs open. hookers do that for everybody, so its not saying a whole lot about your showing any special desire for your partner.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I think for me, it's the sexual dynamic. I prefer more traditional relationships, with the male persuing me. I make no secret out of this. I do require someone who also has a high drive, because I need him to be flirtatious, very affectionate and sexually the aggressor to feel attracted to him.
> 
> I think a lot of women feel that way.
> 
> However with men I understand needing to feel desired, but I feel the more they invest in their relationship, and do the intitiating, the sexier the wife will feel, and is a a dynamic lots of women need. So they should just get to it.  JMO


I have little to add to this, because this is exactly how I feel, too. For me, feeling desired and pursued is a huge turn on and makes me more adventurous and more like to initiate.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I have little to add to this, because this is exactly how I feel, too. For me, feeling desired and pursued is a huge turn on and makes me more adventurous and more like to initiate.


but this is NOT what she is saying.

she wants no part in initiating...ever.
her being a woman is enough initiating.
it is ALWAYS 100% the mans responsibility or he is just. not. *MANLY.* lol


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

mina said:


> my DH is more HD than me but he very often waits for me to initiate. so I gotta ask, if I know he's waiting for me to initiate, isn't he really the one initiating?? LOL I was thinking about that last night.
> 
> anyway long story short we mix in lots of other things like HJ, BJ, "combo" (hj/bj), prostate massage, basic man on top sex, then every 2-3 weeks we have buffet night where we kick the kids out of the house, stock up on wine and lube and have a 12 hour extravaganza.
> 
> last week I got 2 dozen red roses "just cause" and guess what? "angling for sex" was the furthest thing from his mind; he just wanted to know he was thinking of me. he doesn't need to "angle for sex" - he knows he's getting it ... as he should ... as any man should!!


Ladies of TAM pay attention! This is a REAL wife... Take notes...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm very feminine. My SO is very masculine. We are very traditional in our relationship. But we both initiate when we feel like it. It's doesn't make either of us less of a man or woman, and whoever thinks that must be very insecure with themselves. If you want something, go for it. 

I feel very feminine when I initiate. I love turning him on, letting him know how much I want him, and see him take charge from there. I love making him feel desired and boosting his ego. I love how he makes me feel desired as well. I love sex with him, and when I'm in the mood I have no problem unzipping his pants as I passionately kiss him. He is very much a real man, and I'm very much a real woman. That kind of shaming language is pathetic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> but this is NOT what she is saying.
> 
> she wants no part in initiating...ever.
> her being a woman is enough initiating.
> it is ALWAYS 100% the mans responsibility or he is just. not. *MANLY.* lol



WOW!!! can feel a bus on the back of my neck. What part Obviously, I want to change you didn't read.

And why is this so funny ! I didn't come on here to play this is my life !


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Also OP what was your husband like before marriage? Did he flirt with you and initiate often?[/QUOTE]

Yes he did at one point, but now I see why he just shut down !


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

curious0 said:


> WOW!!! can feel a bus on the back of my neck. What part Obviously, I want to change you didn't read.
> 
> And why is this so funny ! I didn't come on here to play this is my life !


sorry curious, that was not directed at you.
i quoted cosmos who quoted deer.

no bus on your neck lol.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

my bad !!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> but this is NOT what she is saying.
> 
> she wants no part in initiating...ever.
> her being a woman is enough initiating.
> it is ALWAYS 100% the mans responsibility or he is just. not. *MANLY.* lol





> HD folks, if you know this about yourself, why is it such a problem if your partner isn't initiating as much as you like?
> 
> If that person isn't turning you down then, why not begin?
> 
> ...


I didn't get that impression. Perhaps I should read all the posts... >>>


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Please do.. If it was only about me I wouldn't on here trying to get advice.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I didn't get that impression. Perhaps I should read all the posts... >>>


the one i responded to was a quote by you of littledear, now you quote curious. :scratchhead:


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> right, i agree.
> and i think there is more to giving back on the part of the woman than just the willingness to spread her legs at any given moment.
> i think at least every now and then she should actually put in some effort. how much effort to lay there with your legs open. hookers do that for everybody, so its not saying a whole lot about your showing any special desire for your partner.


Well when you put that way....I can see what you saying. A lot things are just second nature for me. 

I text him all the time. He's not too trusting of cell phones to sext. I make food he likes or bring him food to his job. 

I'm always touching him. At any given time I'll just pull out his member (at home) and just go to town. 

I try and listen to him. I try and do little things, like I'll wash out his uniform he always forgets to. 

I tell him he smells nice or looks nice. 

On a sexual basis, I give it just as good as I get it. I always talk about sex and find what he says interesting and listen to his suggestions. 

I don't think any of this is what you were asking....

I'm trying to see myself through his eyes...hard to do. 

So I asked him. 

He said other than climbing all over him, me buying little gifts show I care, even though it's my love language, he has learned that's one way to show love. (he also mentioned food)

He likes the emotional things. Thinking of him, his likes and dis likes, he needs the emotional things to feel connected. 

And the more things I do that show emotion the more he sees my desire for him. 

So he's not into everything physical but mental and emotional. He needs to have quality time. By me doing this with him, he's getting my desire to want to be with him. 

I'm not a lame lay, and I don't give pity fvcks. I try and make this bj better than the last. 

If I still was not clear....just pretend like I'm a dummy, and ask very simple questions.....

But I hope I made sense


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> the one i responded to was a quote by you of littledear, now you quote curious. :scratchhead:


OK, now I've read just about the whole thread...

Regarding Littledear's post, I do like a man who enjoys the chase and pursues me, because I find it a huge turn on. Having said that, it's important to me that my partner also knows how much I desire him, and I take great delight in playing the seductress. I don't think it's important what the percentage is, as long as both parties make an effort to make one another feel wanted and desirable as often as possible. So whilst I agree with some aspects of LD's posts in this thread, I don't agree with them in their entirety.

I think the problem the OP is experiencing, is that her H is not feeling her desire for him. Because she is LD, she doesn't have the desire to initiate sex, and this results in him feeling that when they do have sex they're just going through the motions, so he initiates less...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> Well when you put that way....I can see what you saying. A lot things are just second nature for me.
> 
> I text him all the time. He's not too trusting of cell phones to sext. I make food he likes or bring him food to his job.
> 
> ...


actually pandakiss, i dont really see any problems in your way of doing things. 
all i was trying to do was kind of expand a little on it. as i said, i agree with your last post. 

it just gets me how some women think that them providing a vagina, which you can get anywhere, is all they have to do towards showing they desire their partner.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Panda, that is exactly what 2nd was saying! You explained it beautifully. His point, which you reinforced, is that MANY men want a woman who will actually reach out and touch her man, to show that she wants him. Not JUST dress up in a cute little outfit and think he will take the hint. My husband has had to tell me, many times (not just sexual related) that I need to spell it out. He told me that hints DO NOT WORK. It's amazing what the direct approach does... whether it's walking across the room to give him a kiss, full on the lips, or ripping his clothes off so I have full access to him. THOSE are the kinds of things that show him that I desire him.

I cook for him. I do it because I like cooking. He helps me get the food to everyone. I do special things for him. Those things show him I think of him. They show him that I care. They don't show that I think of him sexually. Just like him doing such things for me wouldn't equate to sexual desire. But he DOES show that desire by kissing me in places that he knows will get me aroused. Subtle kisses which tell me that he most definitely wants sex. Does he always do that? Nope! Sometimes he just goes in and starts rubbing my clit, knowing that will work. But we BOTH will do things to initiate...sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant. But the subtle things, I don't get in a snit if he doesn't pick up on them, and vice versa. 


Oh, and Curious0, I DO understand how you could think it unladylike to grab him and take over... but MOST men will tell you that is EXACTLY what they want. Why should you be a lady when it comes to sex with the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with? I mean, I could see if it was someone you were just fooling around with, and you felt your reputation might be on the line for some odd reason... but your husband isn't gonna think you are less of a lady if you take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom, etc. Trust me. Conversely, it doesn't make him any less of a man if you do this. 

Now, Curious0, you have said that the majority of the time, he expects that you should initiate? Unless I read that wrong, anyway. I think you DO need to have an honest discussion with him about how YOU feel about this. Really, it doesn't matter how WE feel. What matters is how it works in YOUR marriage. My marriage would be boring if all I did is dress up in cute outfits for him to look at. Not to mention that most of those would be a waste of money anyway, for us. He prefers the naked approach. 

Anyway, do what works for YOUR relationship. And, if you are unsure of what that is, exactly, then TALK to the man!


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

Well thanks for the advice as well as the beat down.(hehe) like I said I am here to be a better lover! and even though its not easy I am willing to make the effort.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I think for me, it's the sexual dynamic. I prefer more traditional relationships, with the male persuing me. I make no secret out of this. I do require someone who also has a high drive, because I need him to be flirtatious, very affectionate and sexually the aggressor to feel attracted to him.
> 
> I think a lot of women feel that way.
> 
> However with men I understand needing to feel desired, but I feel the more they invest in their relationship, and do the intitiating, the sexier the wife will feel, and is a a dynamic lots of women need. So they should just get to it.  JMO


I know I'm nine pages late, but I definitely agree with this and relate to it as well.

My husband has the higher drive, though mine is pretty high as well. My emotions, though, are directly linked with my sex drive. He knows that if he pursues me, flirts with me, maybe quotes a little Shakespeare(*weak knees*), that I'll be ready to go in a second.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> actually pandakiss, i dont really see any problems in your way of doing things.
> all i was trying to do was kind of expand a little on it. as i said, i agree with your last post.
> 
> it just gets me how some women think that them providing a vagina, which you can get anywhere, is all they have to do towards showing they desire their partner.



Oh...

I kinda thought you were asking me what exactly I did....

My bad...it's hot, I've been out in the sun all day...I need coffee...

Sometimes I'm just stupid...

And thank you for the compliment.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> this makes it seem like you are not interested, regardless of your words.
> 
> i think if a man always has to be the pursuer and the female never does, that would make me feel like youre not really interested and you dont really desire him.
> 
> ...


Yup. My husband loves pursuing me, but there is no describing his enjoyment when I pursue him. If I had to always initiate, I would feel completely unwanted.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Alot has already been said on this topic... Some good things too... So I'll add in short for me... 

Rather you are; being chased, seduced, hunted... Or even; chasing, seducing, hunting... For me, all examples of being met with a genuine smile, tells me that you want this, you enjoy this, and there's no pity or shame... When sex is so serious, that you forget to take lightly and enjoy it, you head down a path of ruin....

So yes, if you're LD, when you "give in" where's the heart? The smile? Of course (only speaking for me) I'm less likely to hunt, because it just appears as some obligated chore...


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

There are so many different views about initiation in this thread. Some women feel that they need to be pursued for sex, some women say that they love pursuing their husband and that initiation should be equal between the spouses. 

I am a woman who loves to be pursued. I love being flirted with, I love being caressed and kissed. To be blunt, I love it when my husband acts like a player; when he says and does all the right things with that flare of arrogance and confidence. So. sexy. 

YET, I absolutely loovvee seeing his reaction when he comes home and I'm laying on the bed with my hair and makeup done, in my ****tiest outfit. And I know he loves it too. So, I do it.  And I still get flirted with, I just happen to be slightly more dominate at that moment. And yes, I feel like just like any other lady. In fact, I feel more feminine when I initiate than I do in most other scenarios. And no, I don't think my husband is any less of a man because he lets me take him.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> :banghead:
> 
> If I had to go through all this to get some nookie, I'd just rather spend the damn money on myself and have a lovely evening date with Mr. Right Hand Man.


Is it really that much trouble? I mean, I like to think that my husband enjoys taking me on dates...Now, we don't sit around talking about every single detail of my day. He takes me to dinner, I have some wine, we maybe see a movie, go home and have sex. I'm not liking the idea that he might prefer his hand just because I'm not a raving bonobo monkey...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

curious0 said:


> once the sex is started then I can make him feel those things since he can only understand it from sex.
> 
> Sex has always been physical for me its never changed my emotional state.


Well, see, that (your outlook) is really the issue. You are conveying a tone of "well I have to sleep with him so that he feels loved" and then concede that sex does nothing for you on an emotional / relationship / bonding level. 

My suggestion is twofold. One, understand that you may be in the minority by not getting any emotional boost from sex; it sounds like you've always been this way and it does not stem from a relationship issue. Then, knowing that, internalize the fact that this is a reasonable request and honor it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

curious0 said:


> So is it more of a mind game? Since regardless who starts it, your still getting the same sex.


Only in the strictly physical sense. And, even that is just a maybe.

Emotions are a big part of sex for us dudes also. Since the emotional is better for us with our partners initiating, the sexual experience is better - not the same.

Also, I personally suspect that few people who rarely or never initiate are suddenly enthusiastic and uninhibited when partners suggest sex. It seems more likely that such people are inhibited and reluctant somehow. Thus, the refusal to initiate may be indicative of some personal baggage that is making the sex life be less than it could be.

I don't mean to contract my earlier post. I indeed would have been happy if my ex rarely initiated but was an enthusiastic responder. But, everything I've read and experienced says that almost never happens. Women that are sexually enthusiastic will initiate; women that don't initiate are inhibited.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I don't know, it feels desperate, unladylike to me. I feel like I'm the man in the bed.


Umm, okay.

So, if your husband says "I don't want to do the dishes - that's woman's work" what would you say to that?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Yup. My husband loves pursuing me, but there is no describing his enjoyment when I pursue him. If I had to always initiate, I would feel completely unwanted.


exactly, thats completely understandable, i have also felt that way having a woman who would not initiate.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Is it really that much trouble? I mean, I like to think that my husband enjoys taking me on dates...Now, we don't sit around talking about every single detail of my day. He takes me to dinner, I have some wine, we maybe see a movie, go home and have sex. I'm not liking the idea that he might prefer his hand just because I'm not a raving bonobo monkey...



If I'm doing all that with the express hope that my wife might put out? Hell yes it's to much trouble! :rofl:

My point is that I do those things for my wife, and they have nothing to do with whether we have sex afterward or not. The person I was responding to was talking about how he has to put in HOURS of work for the chance of being laid by his wife. That to me is absurd, and would never, ever be allowed in my marriage. We make love because we desire each other. I don't believe in wining and dining my wife for the express purposes of hoping to get some vagina, or a BJ. I wine and dine her because I love her, but I don't ever tie that to the possibility of sex.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> so if you are interested in having sex at any given time, whats the problem with you showing him?


Ahh, you beat me to this question.

I too want to know if the sex really is the same. When he initiates sex, are you ready to incorporate oral, toys, role playing, etc.? Or, does your concept of "ladylike" restrict your activities during sex in addition to your willingness to initiate?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Yep, I'm not into women. I want to go to bed with a real man.


And maybe I'll find a lady who does not expect me to sacrifice my masculinity by doing mundane chores like cooking and cleaning.

Get my point?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> If I'm doing all that with the express hope that my wife might put out? Hell yes it's to much trouble! :rofl:
> 
> My point is that I do those things for my wife, and they have nothing to do with whether we have sex afterward or not. The person I was responding to was talking about how he has to put in HOURS of work for the chance of being laid by his wife. That to me is absurd, and would never, ever be allowed in my marriage. We make love because we desire each other. I don't believe in wining and dining my wife for the express purposes of hoping to get some vagina, or a BJ. I wine and dine her because I love her, but I don't ever tie that to the possibility of sex.


Ah, I see. Again, this is just so unlike my perspective. Everything, to me emotionally, is connected to everything. When I have sex with my husband, I do it because I love him and I definitely desire him physically, but also because it satisfies him emotionally and an emotionally satisfied spouse is more likely to return the favor and satisfy the other spouse. 

I just asked my husband why he takes me out on dates and buys me flowers and he said the exact same thing as you. This is a realization about him that's new. It's kind of interesting to hear this. He said he buys me flowers and things because he knows I love them, and he loves me. 

I guess my wiring is different.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

NOTE: Initiation can occur during sex, too. Initiating a new position, for instance. Or initiating some dirty talk. Or initiating a quick blow job before or after penetration...


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

DTO said:


> Umm, okay.
> 
> So, if your husband says "I don't want to do the dishes - that's woman's work" what would you say to that?


 He does it because it was how he was raised, but he doesnt believe he should have to anymore. We are from two different cultures so it plays a part too. I wanted to believe it didnt but it does.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

jaquen said:


> :toast:
> 
> Give me an "unlady" like woman who actually craves sex, and comes at me hungrily because she just needs to screw me, ANY day of the week over an "old fashioned" woman who is sitting around waiting for some dude to constantly make her feel desired. Please. Most women have ZERO clue how many men would love to be pursued sometimes. Too many men are programmed to think that sex is something that we want, and something most women "let" us have. I feel sorry for the men who haven't, at least once in their lives, had a woman who just _needed_ to have them so badly that they just took them. There are few things hotter than seeing a woman in that position of sexual power and liberation.


Absolutely! Lucky for me, I had some of that prior to marriage, so I knew the potential.

Come to think of it, my ex was pissed that I knew better, and denigrated me for it rather than step up her game to meet my need. That should have been my first clue...


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> If I'm doing all that with the express hope that my wife might put out? Hell yes it's to much trouble! :rofl:
> 
> My point is that I do those things for my wife, and they have nothing to do with whether we have sex afterward or not. The person I was responding to was talking about how he has to put in HOURS of work for the chance of being laid by his wife. That to me is absurd, and would never, ever be allowed in my marriage. We make love because we desire each other. I don't believe in wining and dining my wife for the express purposes of hoping to get some vagina, or a BJ. I wine and dine her because I love her, but I don't ever tie that to the possibility of sex.


maybe if my husband wouldnt tie them together I would be a lot different who knows. 

But i know if he does take me out he is expecting dessert (me) after !!!


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

DTO said:


> Ahh, you beat me to this question.
> 
> I too want to know if the sex really is the same. When he initiates sex, are you ready to incorporate oral, toys, role playing, etc.? Or, does your concept of "ladylike" restrict your activities during sex in addition to your willingness to initiate?


I will do it all. I dont really have any restrictions.. I just have an issue starting it.. that is all I have done anal, I have asked him what his fantasy. I have told him mine, which he doesn't like. I've had toys, and want to buy more, but he doesn't want me to get them. He says that I want toys because he isnt good enough, which isnt true.. I have never dressed up on did the sex clothes . ( body image issues)


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I will do it all. I dont really have any restrictions.. I just have an issue starting it.. that is all I have done anal, I have asked him what his fantasy. I have told him mine, which he doesn't like. I've had toys, and want to buy more, but he doesn't want me to get them. He says that I want toys because he isnt good enough, which isnt true.. I have never dressed up on did the sex clothes . ( body image issues)


As a girl who has/had body image issues, let me tell you, NOTHING makes me feel better about myself than when I initiate sex. Not even when I go to the gym and workout. Nothing compares to how I feel before, during and after initiating sex. 

Here's what helped me: learn to love your body. If you don't like really sexy leingere, go to the store and buy something more glitzy...lacy, sparkly, sheek...and don't tell your hubby. Buy a new perfume, something outside of what you normally wear. Do your hair and makeup. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash. Put on your hooker heals. Paint your nails and toenails, even. This helped me to feel more confident. Bare nakedness can sometimes be intimidating. Leingere helped me see my curves and discover my best physical feature: breasts. I encourage you to get your breast size measured. I know this sounds really superficial, but I can tell you, my breasts have made me feel VERY differently about my body. 

All of this helped me to see exactly what my body had to offer. Not to mention, the thrill of feeling a bit naughty gave me the sense of being...well, powerful. And seeing my husband's reaction to all of this....NOTHING else has ever made me feel more confident.


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## Loves2hard (Jun 27, 2012)

I will definitely do this! My hubby never notice any of that stuff i do outside of the bedroom like a new hair do some nails new shoes a dress its always how many do you need! And trust me i hate shopping!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> As a girl who has/had body image issues, let me tell you, NOTHING makes me feel better about myself than when I initiate sex. Not even when I go to the gym and workout. Nothing compares to how I feel before, during and after initiating sex.
> 
> Here's what helped me: learn to love your body. If you don't like really sexy leingere, go to the store and buy something more glitzy...lacy, sparkly, sheek...and don't tell your hubby. Buy a new perfume, something outside of what you normally wear. Do your hair and makeup. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash. Put on your hooker heals. Paint your nails and toenails, even. This helped me to feel more confident. Bare nakedness can sometimes be intimidating. Leingere helped me see my curves and discover my best physical feature: breasts. I encourage you to get your breast size measured. I know this sounds really superficial, but I can tell you, my breasts have made me feel VERY differently about my body.
> 
> All of this helped me to see exactly what my body had to offer. Not to mention, the thrill of feeling a bit naughty gave me the sense of being...well, powerful. And seeing my husband's reaction to all of this....NOTHING else has ever made me feel more confident.


I definitely do all that stuff. That is how I initiate. I am very sexual, but if your spouse doesn't respond it can be very disheartening. In fact in the past I've gone beyond that too. Only to be ignored.

Now I get noticed all the time, my OH appreciates all the of the feminine stuff I do.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

curious0 said:


> I will definitely do this! My hubby never notice any of that stuff i do outside of the bedroom like a new hair do some nails new shoes a dress its always how many do you need! And trust me i hate shopping!


It may take some time for him to warm up to the new you, but if you keep at it, he will love it. And who knows, maybe he'll love it the very first time. I know my husband loves it when we spend money on sexy leingere. He actually goes to the store with me, unless I go when he's at work.

This didn't solve all of my body image issues, but they definitely helped push me in the positive direction. I remember the morning of our wedding day, I went to Frederick's of Hollywood to buy a corset, cause hubs said he wanted me to have one. I didn't tell him. We got to the hotel on our honeymoon and I "went to the bathroom". I changed into the corset, some fishnet tights and my black heals. 

What did he do?

He took pictures of me for two and a half hours!

And then we made love. It was beautiful.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> There are so many different views about initiation in this thread. Some women feel that they need to be pursued for sex, some women say that they love pursuing their husband and that initiation should be equal between the spouses.
> 
> I am a woman who loves to be pursued. I love being flirted with, I love being caressed and kissed. To be blunt, I love it when my husband acts like a player; when he says and does all the right things with that flare of arrogance and confidence. So. sexy.
> 
> YET, I absolutely loovvee seeing his reaction when he comes home and I'm laying on the bed with my hair and makeup done, in my ****tiest outfit. And I know he loves it too. So, I do it.  And I still get flirted with, I just happen to be slightly more dominate at that moment. And yes, I feel like just like any other lady. In fact, I feel more feminine when I initiate than I do in most other scenarios. And no, I don't think my husband is any less of a man because he lets me take him.


I think the reason this all works is because (and I'm guessing based on what you have posted in this thread) the level of rejection of advancements is very low on both sides. You rarely turn him down, and vice versa.

This isn't the case for many HD people. Imagine how often you'd initiate with your H if you were laying on the bed like you described, but he came in, gave you a smile and said "Hey, I appreciate the effort, but sorry, not in the mood"? For many HD people, that happens, several times, and sometimes in a much meaner way. There was a thread here ealrier about different ways you've been turned down. Some of the turn downs in there were just heartbreaking.

Many HD people would love to do the pursuing, and a lot of it, but it's hard to build yourself up to do so when you know that you're 50/50 (and often times much worse odds) of not getting turned aside. Why go through all the effort, only to be told "not tonight. By the way, tommorrow doesn't look to promising either."

And for those in a situation like that, forget having a partner who initiates much, if at all.

You seem to have a great grasp on sex, marriage and the importance of both interconnecting, especially from the man's perspective as does mina. I hope both of you continue to maintain that, it sounds like you'll have a great marriage, largely because of that bond.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I think the reason this all works is because (and I'm guessing based on what you have posted in this thread) the level of rejection of advancements is very low on both sides. You rarely turn him down, and vice versa.
> 
> This isn't the case for many HD people. Imagine how often you'd initiate with your H if you were laying on the bed like you described, but he came in, gave you a smile and said "Hey, I appreciate the effort, but sorry, not in the mood"? For many HD people, that happens, several times, and sometimes in a much meaner way. There was a thread here ealrier about different ways you've been turned down. Some of the turn downs in there were just heartbreaking.
> 
> ...


Thanks. We have had some sexual issues before, due to the birth control I was on, but I'm trying to build that bond back up to what it was before.


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