# Wife acts very differently when around friends and family.



## kingsfan73

This has been nagging at me for a really long time. I think the worst part is I seem completely powerless to change it. Here's the deal...my wife and I have been married for almost 14 years, together for nearly 20. During that time my wife has only really had 1 close friend. During her time working at a medical office a few years ago, she met her other friend, neither of which I really approve of, but what am I going to do? Her childhood friend, Beth, is just a doorknob. Uneducated, still lives at home with her parents, divorced...a loser. My wife doesn't spend too much time with her, which is good. Beth is american indian/white.

Her work friend, Angela, is black. Now, before I get a bunch of haters accusing me of being racist, let me explain. I like Angela. I think she's a sweet girl. I don't have a problem with her persay, but whenever her and my wife spend time together, my wife, who is hispanic, starts acting, for lack of a better word, black. She starts talking and acting like her black friend. I don't understand it. When Angela isn't around, my wife doesn't talk/act like that. Also, when my wife is around anyone, I get the shaft. It's not just Angela. Friends, family, whoever. She is completely cold and unaffectionate with me when she's around other people. We just had a barbeque/pool party with her cousins last night and it was the same thing. She hardly talks to me at all and doesn't want to be near me. I try hugging her, kissing her and she just pushes me away. I try not to act bothered by it in front of others but it really pisses me off. It's as if she only wants to be my wife while we're alone.

Just curious if anyone has experienced something similar. Is there something I can do to correct this or help it resolve? I'm at a loss here.:scratchhead:


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## Gaia

Have you outright told her... "Look your cold behavior toward me in public really pisses me off..." then try having a discussion? Is she maybe.... upset with you about something? Has she ever been affectionate in public before?
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## kingsfan73

I have told her. Only to have her shrug it off as unimportant. We have had a rocky relationship. Most of the problems are financial, which is due to her inability to find and keep a job. I'm usually the one who pays for everything. We have been separated since march of this year. I live apart from her and our children. As of July we have been spending a lot of time together and it's as I said, she is intimate with me when we're alone and cold when we're around other people. I don't want to be friends w/benefits. I want my wife. But she's being very distant and it upsets me because I love her. Not sure how much more of this I can handle. I mean, I enjoy the time we spend together but I do everything for her and she continues to be unaffectionate and cold. She used to be very affectionate so there is a noticeable difference.
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## Stonewall

There is no way I could tolerate that. I don't reqquire much but affection is my line in the sand. I will not allow cold and indifferent actions toward me. I treat her like gold and affection is all I demand from my wife. It is y life blood!


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## MattMatt

oohhh kayyy....

You dislike her two friends, you left you wife four months ago and she is distant with you. 

No kidding?


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## AFEH

Something is going on that you are not aware of. No point in confronting her to find out what it is, to do that you need to spy on her.


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## the guy

Something or someone is effecting the dynamics of the marriage, so quitely do your own investigation and see what you coem up with.


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## EleGirl

When did this behavior of her pushing you away start? Was it after or about the time you moved out?

I wonder if she badmouths you to others. Therefore she feels like she has to act like she is annoyed by you when the are around?


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## the guy

Whats scary is the best way to affair proof a marriage is to walk thru life behaving like your spouse is aways next to you when there aren't.
In this case it make one wonder how OP wife acts when hes not around.

A noticable difference in affection is a red flag.


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## costa200

> We have been separated since march of this year. I live apart from her and our children.


I'm having a hard time following you here. You're separated but did you separate because of her behavior or can her behavior be explained by the separation (like she is telling the world she is still married to you but things aren't going well)?


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## kingsfan73

We separated in march due to an argument arising from issues we have about our finances but there are other issues. We reconciled in July (her call, not mine) and since then is when this behavior started.
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## sisters359

She is punishing you for something--so you need to find out what. Just saying the behavior pisses you off won't help. Point out specifics without being all in her face about it. Then ask why she has changed since reconciling. If you initiated the separation, she may be angry about it. 

Also, are you physically affectionate around her in private, w/o wanting sex? I know my ex NEVER touched me, except for wanting sex, UNLESS we were around other couples. Then he'd be putting his arm around me, etc. All an act. I really hated it. 

Also, have you ever heard of "code switching?" It's the way people from different or multiple cultures can change when in different situations. She behaves around her friend b/c she is code switching. Lots of people do it--it's even as simple as using different ways of speaking at work vs. home. No one in Wisconsin realizes I'm from the South, but when I get around Southerners, my accent changes as do my mannerisms, etc. It isn't intentional at all. I laugh when I notice it. But it is part of me and I would not like someone trying to change that about me.


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## sinnister

The only logical conclusion is her family and/or friends don't really approve of you. Probably from things she may have said.

Also you probably didnt even half to bring up Beth's ethnicity if it didnt bother you in some way.


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## kingsfan73

I believe 100% that she is punishing me...and I know what it is. Back in 2008, shortly after I started my current job, a female coworker made a pass at me. She kissed me, offered to sleep with me, but I turned her down. I told my wife what happened. She was upset with me, understandably so, but she got over it. Or so I thought. We've had 2 children since this happened. But whenever we argue about anything, I get smacked in the face with this BS all over again. "if you wouldn't have screwed around with that girl"...

She is constantly asking me to do stuff for her. Massage her back/legs/feet...which I have no problem with. But if I ask her for something like that..."I'm too tired" is all I get.
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## costa200

> "if you wouldn't have screwed around with that girl".


She thinks you went for the gold with that other woman?


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## kingsfan73

I'm not bothered by her friend because she's black, I'm bothered because when they spend time together my wife acts black, if that makes sense. When her friend isn't around, she doesn't talk/act like that. I can see that I'm catching flack for saying that, but it's true. I'm a firm believer in being true to who you are. How can you expect people to respect you if you are trying to mimic behavior you see in other people? And for some reason, when I see my wife interacting with her friend, I lose respect for her. She's not like that with anyone other than Angela. I don't know how to explain it better than that but I feel shortchanged a little. 

I think she believes me when I tell her nothing happened with that girl, but I get blamed for letting it get to the point of her kissing me, which she has a major problem with. My wife thinks I'm flirtatious and somehow encouraged the girl. I think the fact that this happened when she was pregnant has something to do with it. I expected to earn a few points by telling her everything that happened but that's not the case. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. Maybe none of this would have happened. This seems to escalate every argument we have to the breaking point.
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