# Are any of you ladies in my situation?



## Blue dragonfly (May 19, 2014)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, it's more common than you might expect.

Here is a link to a thread that provides some help for women in your situation. It's a long thread, but read at least the first page or so as a lot of resources are provided.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## Blue dragonfly (May 19, 2014)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you and your husband have sex?

How much forplay do the two of you engage in? Does your husband use foreplay to bring you to orgasms.

Do you orgasm from PIV?

The g-spot does not exist. Researchers have searched vaginal tissue both in scans and by inspecting every bit of the vagina, slice by slice. They cannot find any nerves, or tissues, etc that would account for what some think is the g-spot.

What you experienced is probably a few moments when things just all fell in place and then poof it was gone.

The only time I've had the very unsatisfying sex you are describing has been with a guy how did not care about my sexual pleasure.. he viewed sex as something just for him. Basically a very sexually selfish man.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The vast majority of women will never have an orgasm during the act of sex. Our bodies just don't work that way. 

We need a lot of foreplay both physical and mental and stimulating your clitoris to get you there. 

Once fully turned on or after an orgasm sex can be pleasurable even though you're still unlikely to orgasm that way. 

The biggest block in your way is that you're not emotionally connected. We often need that in order for our bodies to respond enough. 

He needs to learn how to please a woman. There are books and videos, think he'd give one a shot?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

As a man this thread makes me very sad.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> The g-spot does not exist. Researchers have searched vaginal tissue both in scans and by inspecting every bit of the vagina, slice by slice. They cannot find any nerves, or tissues, etc that would account for what some think is the g-spot.


There may not be an actual, physical "spot", per se, but believe you me, it exists.

My ex wife and I "discovered" it by accident, before either of us knew it was even a thing. For her, it was the only way she could orgasm with me, and the only way she ever did.

My current wife had also never discovered her g-spot until I showed her. She had heard of it, but had never experienced it before.

I'm no sexpert, but trust me, the g-spot exists.

Anyway, OP, it's unlikely this is what was stimulated during your 10 seconds of bliss all those years ago. The g-spot, in my experience, and from reading about it, requires one be highly sexually aroused to begin with, and you said you weren't. It's not something you jump straight to, much like the clitoris.

For my ex wife, we would have PIV first (which wouldn't result in orgasm for her), and then I'd stimulate her that way. She'd orgasm and squirt.

With my current wife, it's mainly oral sex and other foreplay before I go to that. She also squirts.

The spot is in the same general area, as I understand it is for all women.

From the sounds of it - and this is not meant to be derogatory or insulting in the slightest - some women don't know their bodies inside and out, so to speak. OP, if you're unsure of where your g-spot is or how to stimulate it, I suggest you google it, and do some practice. Once you've got it down (and you will get it), you can show your husband.

How To Find Your G Spot Easily & Quickly


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It could simply be that it is stimulating the clit from the underside and not a second spot. Which would make sense that it is only found when aroused because the entire thing swells up and enlarges and the area that you see and is out is not the whole clitoris. There's a lot more of it internally. Most of it actually. 

I can and have squirted after multiple clitoral orgasms as well as internal or "gspot" orgasms. 

Still, the vast majority of women will not orgasm through vaginal penetration alone and that is just fine and totally normal.


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## Blue dragonfly (May 19, 2014)

sokillme said:


> As a man this thread makes me very sad.


Thanks to all who've replied. Your response says it best. I just simply don't have that special connection with my husband, and without it I'm wishing for something I will never have. I've had many hours of counselling in person, as well as some online, which has only reinforced what I already know. My body worked fine before I got married, and then as time has gone by its responded less and less because of how I feel deep down emotionally. As a woman I can't begin to say how sad it makes me feel.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Blue dragonfly said:


> Thanks to all who've replied. Your response says it best. I just simply don't have that special connection with my husband, and without it I'm wishing for something I will never have. I've had many hours of counselling in person, as well as some online, which has only reinforced what I already know. My body worked fine before I got married, and then as time has gone by its responded less and less because of how I feel deep down emotionally. As a woman I can't begin to say how sad it makes me feel.


I may have missed it, but has your sex life been like this since the beginning with your husband? Like from day one?

My first marriage was similar, in that my ex wife just never had that connection with me, and therefore our sex life just wasn't good. As I said, the only way she got any sexual pleasure from was from manual g-spot stimulation. Everything else about sex with me was as how you describe it with your husband, including her use of a vibrator during (or sometimes after...) sex.

The difference was, I tried. Well, I tried for a good portion of the relationship and marriage, about half of the 14 years, total. I did reach a point where I just gave up, I guess. Nothing seemed to work for her. In retrospect, it was like that pretty much from the beginning.

Obviously I felt bad about myself. However I'm able to please my current wife better than anyone ever has (her words), so it's clear it wasn't any sort of lack of technique or knowledge on my part. It was simply an incompatibility.

And like I said, at some point I basically gave up, and just went through the motions with her, in regards to sex. I'm sure she felt the same way you do about your husband, currently, when it comes to that.

My gut tells me he knows you're just not into him, and he's simply going through the motions. I spent the latter half of my relationship with my ex wife knowing I wasn't what she truly wanted, despite us being pretty great outside of the bedroom.

And here's the thing - she wasn't ever "stuck" with me. No kids, no illnesses, nothing really keeping us together, so she had an out, and she took it.

In your situation, you mentioned that you don't have this option.

Now, I can tell you this - my ex wife and I could have got over this incompatibility if we both were on board. Like you guys, we married young, were pretty inexperienced, and weren't "adult" enough to have ever really sat down and talked, communicated, shared - especially about our sex life.

I believe you can grow to love him the way you should. You have a long foundation upon which to build already, you just have to attack this from fresh eyes. I know my ex wife, at some point, just started looking at me "that way", like she was stuck, and tired. Once she got that into her head, that was it, and it was dangerous.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It could simply be that it is stimulating the clit from the underside and not a second spot. Which would make sense that it is only found when aroused because the entire thing swells up and enlarges and the area that you see and is out is not the whole clitoris. There's a lot more of it internally. Most of it actually.
> 
> I can and have squirted after multiple clitoral orgasms as well as internal or "gspot" orgasms.
> 
> Still, the vast majority of women will not orgasm through vaginal penetration alone and that is just fine and totally normal.


Whatever it actually is, physically, it's still there, and that was my point :laugh:

There is a gland there (I forget the name of it) that does swell up when sexually aroused. There is most definitely a spot - in the same area for all women - that produces high amounts of pleasure from stimulation, often resulting in orgasm. If you ask any woman who has, and can orgasm from this area being stimulated, they will tell you it's a different orgasm. My ex wife said it was far better than a clitoral O (vibrator stimulated). My current wife much prefers vaginal orgasms to clitoral or g-spot.

All I was saying was that it IS there, in one form or another, and that claiming it "doesn't exist" isn't correct. Millions and millions of women would very much disagree!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Better is relative. The main key point of it being good is the needing to be super aroused first. 

Cliroral needs that too in order to be good. Don't go grabbing at a clitoris until she's super turned on. 

Clitoral also can be very sensitive so direct contact isn't always best but around and on top can be much better. A vibe, fingers or even tongue directly on it can be too much and actually dull the experience vs heighten it. And many men seem to want to use a lot of pressure on it. Like grinding it, pushing the vibe onto it. It backfires. Gentle gentle touching. 

I once showed my ex by him touching his arm, if his skin went down the touch was too hard. Another example I gave him was rubbing a flower, if the pedals came off, too hard. 
Pressure can be upped as you go but if you start hard you'll never quite get there. IME anyway. 

Hence why the underside is so great. You're super turned on first which is a must for any woman, and not having the direct clit stimulation so you don't have to worry about it being too hard. 
Well you do still with some men. Seriously some men. It's a delicate place. I know some of y'all just beat the crap out of your penises but a vagina is much different. 

I felt like a Mom telling her baby how to pet a cat with my ex. No, be gentle. Gentle touches. 

While dating I found that almost all were way too hard on a clit. She can likely O that way and often in shorter time but that doesn't mean it was done right. 
Another fun conversation with the ex. Just because I O'd doesn't mean it was good. 

A good clitoral O can have the same experience of the full body squirting orgasm but it take a little more finesse. She is better off mastering it herself first then guiding you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that the most important thing in a sexual relationship is the desire to please one's partner. If that is there, everything else will follow, but if its not, its very difficult to fix. 

Individual women (and men) enjoy different types of sexual activity, what works for one may not for another. A good lover will learn what their partner enjoys and be happy to do it for the fun of driving their partner wild. 

If your husband found something that worked for you, he should have been eager to continue to do it. Did he give any reason why he didn't want to do that again? Was that position very uncomfortable for him or something? (Or is he just a lazy / bad lover)

Unfortunately some people are very limited in what sexual activities they will do. My wife is one of those - she often asks what I want in bed - but when I tell her, there is always some reason she doesn't want to do those things and goes back to the very limited set of things she will do. Every once in a while she will do something I really like - I'll tell her, but then she will almost never do it again.

Since I actively enjoy pleasing my partner, I have never understood not trying to please them - I just don't understand that mindset.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Blue dragonfly said:


> Thanks to all who've replied. Your response says it best. I just simply don't have that special connection with my husband, and without it I'm wishing for something I will never have. I've had many hours of counselling in person, as well as some online, which has only reinforced what I already know. My body worked fine before I got married, and then as time has gone by its responded less and less because of how I feel deep down emotionally. As a woman I can't begin to say how sad it makes me feel.


Well if you wanted to make me any more sad. :frown2:


Can I ask you what it would take to have then with him? What do you envision that being if say you could just blink and your relationship would change?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> Every once in a while she will do something I really like - I'll tell her, but then she will almost never do it again.
> 
> Since I actively enjoy pleasing my partner, I have never understood not trying to please them - I just don't understand that mindset.


This might sound silly and counter-intuitive, but have you ever thought about _not_ telling her something was good?

I say this, because my wife will do things like this from time to time. It's like there's some sort of pressure all of a sudden, when something she did was amazing and I tell her. Like she feels she has to do it all the time, or something.

It's not just sex-related, either.

Like, as soon as it becomes a conversation piece, it's done and over with. It's "one more" thing she has to think about, and if the opportunity arises to do it again, she's not sure if the time is right, she's not sure if she'll be able to replicate it, maybe she thinks it's too soon to do it again. Who knows. It likely just causes this pressure on her, though. Therefore it will either never happen again, or it'll be a once in a blue moon kind of deal.

As human beings, we would expect that positive verbal reinforcement would be a plus, but it's not for everybody.

Some people literally can't handle being told what to do - even if it's not an actual order to do something, and no matter how positive this thing was implied.

I've learned over the years to let my wife make her own decisions without any prodding of my own. If she does something amazing, sexually, to me, I don't verbalize it to her. I let my actions speak for me, body language, etc. This way, it's all her, with no outside pressure from me to do it again.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

We just keep on experimenting. Once we found methods that would make her orgasm every few seconds, we just sort of ran with it. (I have remarked that I would give several years off my life to be able to orgasm like my wife) She knows my hot buttons, but as a male, she brings me to the edge and then has to back off. There is only one way of communicating what works in the bedroom and what does not, talk!!!! Say that last thing you did drove me crazy. Tell her/him that placement of a finger may turn you on, or turn you off. We discovered along the way that we have some fairly interesting erogenous zones; (she comes like a wildcat if I lick her feet, sometimes without even going near her Vajayjay.) I think that the bottom line with each other is that we never get embarrassed, and we take the attitude that we are two kids still learning about each others' bodies and all is fair.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You may be right. OTOH, without prompting, she falls back on a very limited set of things she will do. 

Sometimes when we are not in bed she will comment that she would like to find new things to do for me. So I'll gently remind her of some of the things she has done in the past that I enjoyed. She'll say "oh, I forgot about that, we should do that again", but of course never does.

Some things though I can't ask for, like oral. She will occasionally do it, but never if I ask. 

Its too bad, what I'm interested in doing on some particular occasion changes with mood, etc. She doesn't see to understand that I don't always want the same thing - that there isn't a "best" sexual act that I always want. 






alexm said:


> This might sound silly and counter-intuitive, but have you ever thought about _not_ telling her something was good?
> 
> I say this, because my wife will do things like this from time to time. It's like there's some sort of pressure all of a sudden, when something she did was amazing and I tell her. Like she feels she has to do it all the time, or something.
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

For some women no emotional connection means no sexual stimulation. Wouldn't matter what he did. 

She can learn what she likes on her own for now but unless the relationship improves with her hubby, sex might not.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> For some women no emotional connection means no sexual stimulation. Wouldn't matter what he did.
> 
> She can learn what she likes on her own for now but unless the relationship improves with her hubby, sex might not.


Yep. This was me and my ex wife. Although there were some physical incompatibilities, that was really only part of the problem, and probably a smaller part than I think.

When you don't have that _romantic_ emotional attachment, the rest doesn't matter much after a while. We were emotionally attached, just not in the way that makes for a successful marriage. More like great friends than anything. And while having sex with someone who also happens to be your best friend may be exciting for a little while, it eventually loses its lustre.

I still think OP can rebound from this, though, I really do. It'll just take a dramatic shift in mindset (for both of them) to get the romantic love part. It starts with viewing all the positives in your partner and focusing on those, rather than the negatives. Everybody has negatives, you can't escape it. But all too often, one person will start to only see those whenever they look at their partner.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> You may be right. OTOH, without prompting, she falls back on a very limited set of things she will do.
> 
> Sometimes when we are not in bed she will comment that she would like to find new things to do for me. So I'll gently remind her of some of the things she has done in the past that I enjoyed. She'll say "oh, I forgot about that, we should do that again", but of course never does.
> 
> ...


Again, one of the similarities between our wives, IMO, is that they don't do "pressure" very well, or at all. Especially when it comes to sex.

It took me years to understand that "pressure" is in the eye of the beholder and that things many of us don't view as such completely ARE to others (such as my wife).

Like, asking for something, in bed or out, is pressure to her. Simple things, easy things. No matter what I ask, or how I ask, she views it as being told what to do. Things that she will do of her own accord, even things that she will do often - the second it's asked for or suggested or even hinted at, it won't happen.

You might remember my thread a couple of months ago about, essentially, no longer asking or talking about the subject of sex with her. Well, it worked, and it's still worked. I'll likely never be at the level I truly want with her, but it's much better since I simply stopped talking about our sex life, or sex in general.

I've suggested to you before that you do something similar. Like me, you will probably never have the sex life with your wife that you truly want, but I'm 99% certain it can be better than it currently is. And it starts with alleviating any perceived pressure on your wife.

I know the dynamic in your marriage is different than mine, however, I do think this is worth trying for you.

So now, I do or no longer do, the following:

- I don't talk about sex with my wife
- I don't say things like "we should try this sometime"
- I no longer point out that we haven't had sex in x-amount of time
- If rejected (which hasn't happened often lately) I don't pout, even slightly
- I'm more vocal during sex (grunts and groans) and less verbal ("Oh, that's great baby", etc.)
- Believe it or not, I spend less time on her - not "no" time, just less. As I'm a pleaser, I thoroughly enjoy that aspect of it, but my wife, like many women, get more excited the more excited WE are
- I hide my masturbation from her. Before, I didn't care. I realize now that if she sees me, or catches me, or even knows that I did, she views it as a failure for her. She's not against masturbation at all, but like most people, she'd much rather I came to her first, rather than take care of myself without even asking her. Despite her low drive, she doesn't want to feel unnecessary

So sex has become something we do, but don't talk about. I'm more relaxed now, and much less focused on it, and she doesn't have this pressure any more. Our previous "un-scheduled schedule" of Saturday nights is pretty much no more. It's still more or less once a week, but sometimes twice or even three times. We had mutual oral the other day, and we've had a few mutual masturbation sessions, as well. It's no longer "Saturday sex night" and absolutely nothing else the rest of the week.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Better is relative. The main key point of it being good is the needing to be super aroused first.
> 
> Cliroral needs that too in order to be good. Don't go grabbing at a clitoris until she's super turned on.
> 
> ...



Yes and no. 

My wife is as sensitive to touches as you describe however other girls i met wanted full on rubbing.

Women as men are completely different


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

To the OP.
You are a typical woman who gets turned on via long foreplays that start long before bed intimacy and your husband needs to accomodate to that. I can understand him as why it may seem a chose because my wife is a very LD woman who unless i court her for days and get everything right, she will never be interested in sex.
Men have a completely mindset than women and moat of them find it too hard for too little reward. 
The fact that a man doesn't show emphaty towards his wife it doesn't mean he isn't loving her. 
However your husband needs to learn to show.
On a recent experience i learnt that pushing all the right buttons of my wife, by the time we got into the hotel room she couldn't keep her eyes of my eyes, she was glowing, and she orgasmed 4 times in a matter of minutes. And trust me it was a lot of work, effort and patience on my part. Most men would get bored by that time. 
The "right buttons" for my wife were:
-treat her gently days before
-not be negative
-help with the kids
-nonsexual hugs 
-tell her that i love her
-more

Hardly anything that excites a man


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Jason Bourne said:


> Yes and no.
> 
> My wife is as sensitive to touches as you describe however other girls i met wanted full on rubbing.
> 
> Women as men are completely different


So true, you're right. 

When I needed harder rubbing is when I played too much with my plug in super vibe... I stopped using that and am back to soft so even the same woman can have different time. I do think we can numb the area a bit if we do too much vibe or strong as well


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In our case we have a strong romantic attachment. Its only sex that is missing. I think there is a lot of variation in people. 



alexm said:


> snip
> When you don't have that _romantic_ emotional attachment, the rest doesn't matter much after a while. We were emotionally attached, just not in the way that makes for a successful marriage. More like great friends than anything. And while having sex with someone who also happens to be your best friend may be exciting for a little while, it eventually loses its lustre.
> snip
> I.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> In our case we have a strong romantic attachment. Its only sex that is missing. I think there is a lot of variation in people.


Right. So do we.

And once I stopped talking about it, bringing it up, discussing it, appearing to "need" it, etc etc etc - it's gotten better.

That doesn't mean I don't initiate sex any more - quite the opposite. I just do it the way my wife does to me (which is so against my MO to begin with, but whatever, I adapted). Now I do things like take her hand and lead her upstairs, or simply say "let's go". It works. I hate doing it, but it works. She's not into out-of-the-bedroom foreplay or innuendo - it just turns her off for whatever reason (pressure, I suppose).

But it's the appearance of neediness that turned her off all this time, I think. Others here have been saying this for years, and I've finally got it (I think). Some women like this, the feeling that their partner needs them in this way. Others don't. Others view it as a weakness, plain and simple.


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## Piper502 (Jun 2, 2016)

Yes I'm your situation. It sucks, big time... when I have time I plan on doing a long response on @EleGirl's thread. 😕


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Interesting, and fairly similar. Its as if my wife sometimes likes sex but it has nothing to do with romance to her. 



alexm said:


> Right. So do we.
> 
> And once I stopped talking about it, bringing it up, discussing it, appearing to "need" it, etc etc etc - it's gotten better.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> Interesting, and fairly similar. Its as if my wife sometimes likes sex but it has nothing to do with romance to her.


Well, I'll be honest. My wife, long ago, told me that she separates sex from emotions.

What I thought she meant is that sex didn't mean much to her, and/or that she is capable of having sex with pretty much anybody - that sort of thing.

What's dawned on me over the last little while is that is not what she meant. What she did mean was that romance and out-of-the-bedroom foreplay and all of that stuff does not turn her on.

In reality, that kind of stuff probably has the opposite effect - as it's viewed as pressure. Talking about it definitely has the opposite effect.

The thing is, my wife likes sex. Just not all the stuff that typically goes with it. The build-up, the before-foreplay - all of that, lost on her. She's sexually responsive when it just happens.

There are people out there who love food and preparing it, cooking it, etc. is half (or more) of the fun. They find recipes, watch cooking shows and go shopping for the ingredients.

And there are people out there who love food and just want it ready, or served to them, and have no interest in the preperation or ingredients, and who's eyes glaze over when you talk about it. They just want to eat.

When it comes to sex, I'm a chef. My wife just wants to eat.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> Well, I'll be honest. My wife, long ago, told me that she separates sex from emotions.
> 
> What I thought she meant is that sex didn't mean much to her, and/or that she is capable of having sex with pretty much anybody - that sort of thing.
> 
> ...


No surprise that I can relate to this  For my wife, it sees as if sex is completely disassociated from virtually everything else and in retrospect, it always has been for her. There is really nothing I have found that I can or can't say or do that shifts her desire. Build up to sex can be as completely nonexistant as recalling that we even had sex five minutes after it is over, but in the moment, holy crap, you'd think we'd be talking about it for days. But nope, five minutes later, it's like it never even happened, and five minutes before, it wasn't a blip on the radar that it could happen. And in the moment, it is very emotional, physical, all the normal things for her. We can talk about sex without any problems, but unless we are in the moment, it feels very clinical.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> No surprise that I can relate to this  For my wife, it sees as if sex is completely disassociated from virtually everything else and in retrospect, it always has been for her. There is really nothing I have found that I can or can't say or do that shifts her desire. Build up to sex can be as completely nonexistant as recalling that we even had sex five minutes after it is over, but in the moment, holy crap, you'd think we'd be talking about it for days. But nope, five minutes later, it's like it never even happened, and five minutes before, it wasn't a blip on the radar that it could happen. And in the moment, it is very emotional, physical, all the normal things for her. We can talk about sex without any problems, but unless we are in the moment, it feels very clinical.


Right. But like I said, I don't actually think that it's a complete separation, so much as it's those things just not having any effect on drive or interest, know what I mean?

The more I'm learning, the more I think that there are many different levels of responsive desire. My wife, for example, has responsive desire at the moment of sexual interaction. I don't mean grabbing her butt in the kitchen, I mean full-on vaginal/clitoral contact. Then it's "on".

Others who have responsive desire may respond to physical touch, kissing, visuals, romantic gestures, whatever. That gets them to start thinking about sex with their partner. Others need oral sex or PIV, it seems, in order to stir that desire. Once my wife and I get started, it's "as it should be".

People who have regular desire (not responsive desire) can get turned on by external stimuli, or even just the imagination. It kind of pops in their head. Responsive desire often coincides with having a partner in the first place. Without a partner, it's out of sight, out of mind, with little or no sexual desire popping up however often. Which is generally why RD folks don't masturbate often, or at all. And if they do, it's quite often a more clinical approach to it, over all. My wife will masturbate occasionally, but I think it's very rare for it to be an actual sexual thing, if that makes sense. It's almost as if there's nothing better to do, or she has a headache, she might do it, if it occurs to her, and she's not too tired, or she doesn't feel like reading before bed, etc etc etc. And when she does, it's not a big deal, it's done in 2 minutes or less.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Didn't the OP post that she gets no satisfaction out of her sex life with her husband because he husband does little to nothing to make sure that she too gets something out of sex? That no matter what he will not put in the effort to learn what turns her on during sex?

So why are most of the men on this thread posting to say that it's her fault that he does not want to do this and she has responsive desire that 'causing the problem. 

Seem to me that she said she has desire all the time but cannot get any satisfaction with her husband. And because of this an important part of the sexual intimacy with her husband is missing.

I think that deleted her OP because of the types of responses she's getting.


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