# Emotionally Disconnected Wife



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

We have been married for 14 years. Throughout those years, my wife has always suffered from seasonal depression. Winters give her the blues. This winter has been worse than usual. We became very distant. In the past, I had taken this depression personally and it made me angry. This time, I tried to remove my feelings from the problem. I was attempting to let her deal with it on her own. A few weeks ago, she said we needed to talk... Wow was I shocked to hear what she had to say. 

It turns out that this"depression" and/or distance was not related to the season but it was about her feelings for me. She told me that she realized that she was putting up walls to hide her feelings of hurt/anger/resentment. There has been some good conversation about things I had been doing to hurt her. Not helping out around the house as much as she'd like, my not showing more appreciation for the things that she does, the fact that she feels like I only show affection when I want sex, etc. I'd guess a lot of the typical marriage issues. I'll fully admit that she had some good points and there are things that I need to work on. She said that in order to not be mad about these things, she pushed those feelings down. After a long period of pushing those feelings, she thinks she also pushed down her emotional feelings towards me. 

So, now we are going to a counselor. We've only been to one session so far. But, she has told me that we can't have sex until we work all of this out and she obviously has no idea how long that will take. 

Now for how I'm feeling. We have vastly different needs sexually. I've accepted the fact that she doesn't want sex as often as I do and have tried to not take it personally although that can be difficult. Here we are with her needing me to show non sexual affection and appreciation and I'm getting resentful about that fact that she has pulled away and completely cut me off. I'm desperately trying to be what she needs right now to work through this, but also fighting my resentments.

It a horrible cycle of what she needs vs what I need. I feel like I'm giving everything, but not getting anything back. I'm in a tough spot. I'm not sure how to purely focus on what she needs without getting my feelings hurt or getting angry about all of this.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Oh this vicious cycle, I know it all too well......

Your wife lived without her needs being met for years, whether it was intentional or not, it has only been a couple weeks since you have had sex, and look how resentful you are becoming. Now try to imagine going without for years, like your wife did.

OK, just trying to get you to see her side of it. Her resentment has built up quite a bit, but hopefully she is still receptive if you can give her what she needs. 

First, find out what her love language is. Look up the 5 love languages and have her take the quiz, there is one on line. I am guessing yours will be physical contact. The two of you need to discuss this and you need to start speaking to her in her language. Once you do this, she should be more receptive to feeding your needs too.

You both have to understand how important it is for BOTH of you to feel loved and you BOTH need to speak each others love language. I would also ask her if she wants you to feel the same way towards her that she feels towards you right now, resentment, etc. and let her know that you are not going to quit trying to fill her needs but that it isn't going to help the marriage by having two people be resentful. This talk will only work once you have identified her love language and are working towards providing it. It might take a few weeks.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Believe me, I am totally aware of the depth of what she's been going through. I understand that she has been dealing with it longer than I have. Although as for the sex, it had dwindled down to next to nothing for about 6 months.

I am feeling blindsided and I'm struggling to catch up so to speak. She's been processing this for a while, but it is brand new and raw to me. To all of a sudden find out she is having these feelings or lack of feeling towards me is shattering. Then to follow it up with, "oh and by the way, we can't have sex for now...phew...it's a lot to take on at one time.

I'm looking up this 5 Love Languages right now. I'm sure your right in your assumption of my language. : ) thanks for that input. I'm curious to see what hers is.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

So, every winter your wife gets seasonal depression. In the past, this made you angry. But this year, you decided to just let her deal with it on her own.

Let's try it this way: Every winter, your wife gets bronchitis. In the past this made you angry. But this year, you decided to just to let her deal with it.

Read the above again and ask yourself again if you are really shocked that she's angry, resentful, and probably wants a divorce. Depression is a disease, and rather than supporting her, you got angry and then ignored her. You have made some very poor decisions and you need to recognize that, fundamentally, you were wrong. Very wrong.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Ok, maybe I worded that wrong. Her depression and the affect it had on our relationship would become something that I took personally. Right or wrong, that's what happened. I knew what she was dealing with but it takes a toll on everyone involved. Bronchitis is apples to oranges. I attempted this time to not take it personally and instead of showing those feelings of hurt or anger, I held those feelings in and kept them to myself as to not add my issues to hers.

In hind site, yes, that may have not been the right move either. There's got to be a middle ground, but I haven't found it yet. My response or lack of response seemed as if I had also emotionally detached. That was not at all the truth, but can definitely have been received that way.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

You took her depression personally, right or wrong? Nope. It was wrong. You could have stepped up and helped her and you didn't. I know I'm coming down hard on you here, but you need to understand how she probably feels. Better you understand how she's feeling now and say the wrong things on this forum than say the wrong things to her and make matters worse.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

I don't mind you coming down hard on me. I can take it: )

I'm guessing you have or know someone who has struggled with depression? If so, you also know the struggle can greatly affect all who are involved. It isn't easy on anyone. Let's take your bronchitis analogy and change it. Let's call it alcoholism. It's a disease. You need to help the person deal with it, but at times that persons disease affects you personally. You shouldn't take it personally, but let's be honest, sometimes their behavior can be hurtful. Can we agree on that?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bronchitis also affects those near the sufferer. The constant coughing, the wheezing, snoring during sleep... The sick person is feeling lousy, they don't want to go anywhere or do anything because they feel so badly.

Yes, depression is characterized as behavioral health but it IS a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes the depression, she didn't ask for this, doesn't want it, and tries I hope, to get out of being depressed.

But back to your post here.

I disagree about not having sex while she works this out. Sex is a bonding mechanism and it's vital in marriages to keep the bond in place. She is using sex as a commodity, only giving it out when she feels she has been paid well enough in loving support. While her demand is righteous, using sex as a bargaining chip is NOT!

We do not teach people to meet our needs by NOT meeting their needs.

Bring this up in your next MC session. But don't be angry or resentful. Leave those emotions out or you will blow your whole case. 

A marriage without sex is a room mate situation. You should be working together to creat a loving marriage and that includes a loving sexual relationship.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

seasonal depression?

vitamin d deficiency maybe?

my wife has suffered major depressive disorder for the last ten years. vitamin d supplements help a lot. as my wife says, "it takes the edge off".

i would do your homework about how to help her with the depression. you may have to start REQUIRING her to work on it. that means you also have to know how to help. the counseling is a good start.

getting frustrated is going to happen. its not the end of the world though. its doable. 


so far as the sexless thing goes... i wouldn't put up with it. 
my wife did something like that a while ago. i told her that i would simply stop meeting one of her most important needs from then on. when she wanted to start telling me she loved me in the way i understand it, i would resume doing the same for her. 

it got her talking to me again pretty quick.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Has she told you why she believes that not having sex will improve the relationship? Maybe ask her to make you a flow chart (I'm only half kidding here).

No sex -> no intimacy -> frustration -> resentment

I get that she's depressed. I've dealt with it myself, but telling your partner outright that you refuse to meet their, most likely, number one need in a relationship isn't the way to build love. It would be like her telling you that 'conversation' was her number one need and you then telling her that you refused to talk to her anymore, because she hadn't been having sex with you enough.

I guess she feels you need a wake up call, but if you start filling her needs now, and she doesn't fill yours, you're both still building these walls of resentment between each other. 

Maybe the counsellor will help her think things through more.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

HCH said:


> It turns out that this"depression" and/or distance was not related to the season but it was about her feelings for me. She told me that she realized that she was putting up walls to hide her feelings of hurt/anger/resentment.


I think he is saying it WASN'T really seasonal depression. She just told him it was, instead of telling him the truth, and now he is shocked.

Instead of telling the truth about her feelings, she let a problem go on and on and now isn't going to be intimate with him.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I would be ok with the sexless state for a short time as long as the focus was on her needs AND yours being restored in the marriage. I'd set a reasonable mental deadline to let things play out and observe progress. I wouldn't let it go on forever.

If your MC is about developing a plan for you to increase affection and household help, and her to restore her drive for you, that seems reasonable to me. I could go without for a little while so she'd see I was on her side and working with her on a mutual goal.

If your MC is about you going crazy meeting her needs in the hope that she'd start feeling like meeting yours, I doubt it'd ever work and you'd be creating a power imbalance in the relationship even if it did.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The SUREST way to push away a male is sexlessness. Let me dig out a post I saved I thought said it well.

Here it is by cinema79

I have been in the same position that the OP has been in and eventually the lack of sex drove me to insanity. It is frustrating to sleep next to someone EVERY night that has no real desire to get intimate with you - but you still desire them. It's like that gift under the Christmas tree that has been sitting there for months after the holidays and you aren't allowed to unwrap it. 

It is severely damaging on a psychological level. 

When a male is getting a steady dose of sex, it brings a lot of joy into his life. He performs better at work, he's more pleasant to be around, he's confident, he wants to get into shape to look good naked. He feels like he is on top of the world. 

Sex bonds people. It brings them closer. You take sex away from the male and he slowly starts detaching and begins to lash out.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

She feels like having sex right now could push her further away. Without the emotional connection, that she would feel bad about sex. She says she needs to feel that connection again to be able to enjoy sex and give me the love that I need.

I agree on many levels here. Sex at this point would feel like crap. She's not really connecting with me on that emotional level, so if she's going to have sex with me...it's going to be awkward for both of us at this point. I'll know for a fact that she's only going through the motions to get me to back off for a while and I can't enjoy that. I'll end up resenting that too! 

Sex isn't my number one priority, but it is up there. I also need it to be loving, passionate sex and she isn't able to provide that because of our other issues. I agree that sex is a bonding mechanism. I've expressed that I feel like sex within a marriage is affection. Of course you can have other kinds of sex that I wouldn't consider affection, but as a whole, that affectionate sex is what I'm looking for the majority of the time. She doesn't feel that sex is affection. I've asked her how exactly she would describe it and she wasn't sure. She's thinking that over. The fact that she thinks I only show non sexual affection when I want sex has got to lend itself to her feeling this way, but it still confuses me how she'd not see it at all as some sort of affection.

As for the depression, she is on meds and has been seeing a therapist prior to all of this. She has been doing what she should in order to combat it. I didn't "require it" she knew what she had to do and is doing it. Apparently though this time our problem isn't the depression, but more of a relationship issue. I can't help but think the depression plays a big role in it, but the things that I've slipped on over time are compounding everything.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I think he is saying it WASN'T really seasonal depression. She just told him it was, instead of telling him the truth, and now he is shocked.
> 
> Instead of telling the truth about her feelings, she let a problem go on and on and now isn't going to be intimate with him.


Sort of. She definitely has seasonal depression. This season, it seemed a bit worse and just recently she came forward with her feeling towards me or the lack thereof.

She's certainly depressed as well. She says she loves me and wants to work this all out. She just thinks that she has pushed the feelings so far down that it could take some time to find them again.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Since you seem to take a lot of things personally and get angry a lot, I wonder how you would've reacted if she'd tried to talk to you about her needs? Something to think about, since you need to be a place she can come to safely and based on what you've posted all you'll do is get mad. .Please correct me if I'm wrong.
I'd guess that she has her own resentments related to sex; she feels it's the only time you're affectionate and thus all you value her for. 

As others have said, she's managed for quite some time without her needs being met, surely you can manage for a little while, especially if she's taking the steps she needs to take? And fyi, the reason she can't find her feelings for you is that emotionally she doesn't trust you enough to be vulnerable, so give that some thought. The fact that she's working on these issues and all you can think about is getting angry and resentful tells me this relationship is a little slanted toward meeting your needs, and that you aren't particularly understanding when other people have issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Since you seem to take a lot of things personally and get angry a lot, I wonder how you would've reacted if she'd tried to talk to you about her needs? Something to think about, since you need to be a place she can come to safely and based on what you've posted all you'll do is get mad. .Please correct me if I'm wrong.
> I'd guess that she has her own resentments related to sex; she feels it's the only time you're affectionate and thus all you value her for. Maybe that's not how you view it but it may be how she sees it. I'm having trouble understanding how you didn't feel this disconnect if connected, passionate sex is important to you. Surely you had some idea?
> 
> As others have said, she's managed for quite some time without her needs being met, surely you can manage for a little while, especially if she's taking the steps she needs to take? And fyi, the reason she can't find her feelings for you is that emotionally she doesn't trust you enough to be vulnerable, so give that some thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I wouldn't say I get angry a lot, I will admit that I tend to take things personally probably too often. 

She did tell me that she didn't want to upset me by "unloading" all of her problems on me. She was trying to protect both me and herself by just dealing without those conversations. She has fully admitted that she now knows that was the wrong thing to do. Even if I did get mad or got my feelings hurt, we needed to discuss these things. Since we didn't, she is now hurt and resentful. I didn't really have a chance to give any response until she realized how far away she was slipping and confronted it.

I've felt the disconnect for a while. I knew there was a distance but I blamed it all on her depression. As I've said in earlier comments. I attempted to not let any of the hurt feelings I was having out because I didn't want to add to the depression. We had been through similar situations and it works it's way out. We always have gotten back to a happy place and everything seemed ok (to me at least) This went on a bit longer and we're in a lot deeper because of the lack of communication on both parts.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HCH said:


> I wouldn't say I get angry a lot, I will admit that I tend to take things personally probably too often.
> 
> She did tell me that she didn't want to upset me by "unloading" all of her problems on me. She was trying to protect both me and herself by just dealing without those conversations. She has fully admitted that she now knows that was the wrong thing to do. Even if I did get mad or got my feelings hurt, we needed to discuss these things. Since we didn't, she is now hurt and resentful. I didn't really have a chance to give any response until she realized how far away she was slipping and confronted it.
> 
> I've felt the disconnect for a while. I knew there was a distance but I blamed it all on her depression. As I've said in earlier comments. I attempted to not let any of the hurt feelings I was having out because I didn't want to add to the depression. We had been through similar situations and it works it's way out. We always have gotten back to a happy place and everything seemed ok (to me at least) This went on a bit longer and we're in a lot deeper because of the lack of communication on both parts.



She definitely does need to communicate and give you a chance to address things, and that part is on her. Women worry about hurting their partners feelings, so you have to stop taking things personally. 

I think she'll find these feelings for you once she feels she can be vulnerable with you; I hope it works out because sometimes women don't come back from this.
In the mean time, just tell her sex is off the table for a specified time (you come up with a reasonable time period) and in that time be affectionate and try to reconnect. If she knows sex is off the table she won't be wondering if you're doing these things to get sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Yes.
> 
> Although I know the precise date we last had sex before a 3 1/2 year total drought I also know that sex had become very sporadic for a long time before that (hence knowing the final date!). Initially I thought that the lack of emotional intimacy died after the sex, but the more I think about it the more I realise that is not the case. It just all started slipping away together and I could not now say which went first, though if I had to place a bet I would say that the sex started dwindling first.
> 
> When we got it together again we both had concerns about the sex feeling awkward. We wondered if we should perhaps see if we could rebuild the emotional intimacy first. Thankfully we did not in the end go down that route, because I think we would still be struggling or even not be together. Hubby went to the doc and got pills for his ED and we just went for it. Yes, the first couple of occasions did feel rather stilted and forced. But hubby persevered in spite of that (he is the LD) and pretty soon all of the old flirting, and touching and cuddling came back. It was all growing at the same time.


I posted the above on another thread but I think it has some relevance here.

I can fully understand your wife withholding sex for a short while but I totally agree with Anon Pink that to use it as a bargaining chip is a) wrong and b) likely to be counterproductive.

Once you have both reached a stage where you have had open and honest discussions with the counsellor and have agreed on exactly what is wrong and what each of you might do to fix it, I really do think that sex ought to be reinstated. Even if it is just "going through the motions" the first few times you might be surprised how quickly everything improves if you can just persevere.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> In the mean time, just tell her sex is off the table for a specified time (you come up with a reasonable time period) and in that time be affectionate and try to reconnect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What would you consider a reasonable amount of time. It's been a couple months so far. Granted only a few weeks of that was with the understanding of what was actually happening.

I've already said that I'm going to go with this sex hiatus for the time being. I am doing the counseling and working on the downfalls that I need to work on. But, I have also expressed that I foresee a major issue with a sexless marriage. I know she can't give me a time frame, but I can't sit on pins and needles wondering if she will ever come back around and want to have sex again.

I'm going to give her time...I just don't know how much I can give.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I really do think that sex ought to be reinstated. Even if it is just "going through the motions" the first few times you might be surprised how quickly everything improves if you can just persevere.


Thanks. I am definitely going to give her some time for now, but at some point, I may need to suggest that this could be the way to go.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HCH said:


> What would you consider a reasonable amount of time. It's been a couple months so far. Granted only a few weeks of that was with the understanding of what was actually happening.
> 
> I've already said that I'm going to go with this sex hiatus for the time being. I am doing the counseling and working on the downfalls that I need to work on. But, I have also expressed that I foresee a major issue with a sexless marriage. I know she can't give me a time frame, but I can't sit on pins and needles wondering if she will ever come back around and want to have sex again.
> 
> I'm going to give her time...I just don't know how much I can give.



Oh, that's tough.....that's why I left it to you. I know you've gone without, but it's not clear to me if you took it off the table or if you've agreed to deal with it. To me, telling her it's off the table for say, 3 months, is different from you agreeing to deal with it where she knows you're still itching for it. That adds pressure and taints your efforts, since she sees it as a means to sex. If she knows it's completely off that gives you credit for your efforts.

You shouldn't go sexless indefinitely, that's not fair to you. Is three months doable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

A time frame is hard to suggest because it does depend on you.

However an open-ended hiatus is probably not workable. What happened with me when our sex life dried up, and what I read from a lot of men in the same position, is that the resentment builds up and eventually you end up not wanting sex with your spouse. Even if you are utterly desperate for sex, you don't want them.

That is a really bad place to be in and you must make sure you don't get there.

Also, allowing your wife an open-ended hiatus puts her totally in the driving seat. Even if you don't specify a time limit to her right now, in case this seems overly pushy, I think you need to think about for how long you will shut about about sex totally and when you are going to start putting the issue firmly back on the table. Once you put the issue back on the table I think it must stay there.

Good luck.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is three months doable?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this including "time served?"


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Acorn said:


> I would be ok with the sexless state for a short time as long as the focus was on her needs AND yours being restored in the marriage. I'd set a reasonable mental deadline to let things play out and observe progress. I wouldn't let it go on forever.


:iagree:

Been there done that. Two years in a completely sexless marriage because my wife was emotionally disconnected from me. Long story short, it was sex that finally allowed her to bring down those last remaining bricks from the emotional wall she had built. Work on the issues you both are facing now but don't underestimate the power of sexual intimacy in the marriage.

Amp's Short List

Work on your issues in the marriage but hold her accountable to work on hers. 

Don't lose your self identity in trying to become a better man.

Don't kowtow to her every whim.

Listen carefully to her but don't hang on her every word.

Read The 5 Love Languages as suggested above

Spend quality time together, especially in common interests. At the same time don't remove yourself from your other interests, hobbies....

Carry yourself with the utmost confidence while dealing with her.

With time, a detached wife can return emotionally to the marriage but there is no quick path to that end. It will take time, commitment and an unwavering desire to do it on your part.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

These situations are never fair, really. She didn't speak up in the past to express her concerns and issues with you, did she? Or, did you not hear her when she did? If she didn't, she bears as much blame as you - you can't be expected to fix what you don't know is broken, IMO.

So, it may not be "fair" that there is now no sex for whatever reason, and that her needs and healing process is taken into account while yours is not.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she's mad she's not getting her needs met, but then refuses to meet his? this is past counter productive. 2 months is time served and time to either move up or move on.

Look at if you were dating instead of married, at what point would no sex = dump her and find someone?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HCH said:


> Is this including "time served?"



Ideally, yes  
But you might not get full credit for doing things without the goal of sex...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

A big problem here is how she views sex, on top of the other issues, I think it needs to be addressed in counselling. A LD person can see little value in it, a female LD might see it as the man needing to scratch an itch and using her as a scratching tool. She doesn't see her part as vital to the act. I once had a man say to me (not someone I was involved with), that if trees had vaginas, men wouldn't need women. That's the sort of image of sex many have grown up with. The intimacy, cuddling etc is seen as valuable and needed to foster love in the relationship, but the actual act of sex can be seen as just something for him, and not even something he needs with her (or anyone for that matter, if she knows he masturbates).


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

breeze said:


> A big problem here is how she views sex, on top of the other issues, I think it needs to be addressed in counselling. A LD person can see little value in it, a female LD might see it as the man needing to scratch an itch and using her as a scratching tool. She doesn't see her part as vital to the act. I once had a man say to me (not someone I was involved with), that if trees had vaginas, men wouldn't need women. That's the sort of image of sex many have grown up with. The intimacy, cuddling etc is seen as valuable and needed to foster love in the relationship, but the actual act of sex can be seen as just something for him, and not even something he needs with her (or anyone for that matter, if she knows he masturbates).




This is such a great point. Especially when you consider the huge use of porn, it's true that women can get the idea that all men need is a means to get off. The idea that men connect emotionally with sex and bond over it can be hard to understand; if he's jerking off to porn how much connecting can he want or need? OP, I'm not insinuating you're jerking off to porn, just expanding a little on this idea. Maybe your wife does feel like she's simply the most available vagina? One more thing to think about, since it's not my impression that you actually view her this way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

HCH said:


> She feels like having sex right now could push her further away. Without the emotional connection, that she would feel bad about sex. She says she needs to feel that connection again to be able to enjoy sex and give me the love that I need.
> 
> I agree on many levels here. Sex at this point would feel like crap. She's not really connecting with me on that emotional level, so if she's going to have sex with me...it's going to be awkward for both of us at this point. I'll know for a fact that she's only going through the motions to get me to back off for a while and I can't enjoy that. I'll end up resenting that too!
> 
> ...


Could she have sex with you out of love? It's not passionate but is it possible that it is all she can manage right now. Please don't take this as "you should take what you get". Rather asking you to reframe the way you see sex right now. It isn't exactly great right now. I think the only way you will be able to stay connected emotionally, is to have sex. It could be a bridge to a more satisfying connection when she gets treated for her depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Amp,
This is really good. 



QUOTE=Amplexor;7306489]:iagree:

Been there done that. Two years in a completely sexless marriage because my wife was emotionally disconnected from me. Long story short, it was sex that finally allowed her to bring down those last remaining bricks from the emotional wall she had built. Work on the issues you both are facing now but don't underestimate the power of sexual intimacy in the marriage.

Amp's Short List

Work on your issues in the marriage but hold her accountable to work on hers. 

Don't lose you self identity in trying to become a better man.

Don't kowtow to her every whim.

Listen carefully to her but don't hang on her every word.

Read The 5 Love Languages as suggested above

Spend quality time together, especially in common interests. At the same time don't remove yourself from your other interests, hobbies....

Carry yourself with the utmost confidence while dealing with her.

With time, a detached wife can return emotionally to the marriage but there is no quick path to that end. It will take time, commitment and an unwavering desire to do it on your part.[/QUOTE]


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> The idea that men connect emotionally with sex and bond over it can be hard to understand; if he's jerking off to porn how much connecting can he want or need? OP, I'm not insinuating you're jerking off to porn, just expanding a little on this idea. Maybe your wife does feel like she's simply the most available vagina? One more thing to think about, since it's not my impression that you actually view her this way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you. To me, there is definitely a difference. If I solely needed sex to get off, I'd take more frequent long showers. If I have the need to just take care of it, obviously I have the tools to do so. That just is not the only thing I need. Sex is great, it is fun, it is all sorts of things to different people. I'll take any and all forms of it, but I also need the emotional connection to come along with the physical connection from time to time. A quicky bent over in the bathroom is amazing, but that is not the only thing I'm looking for. I'm not (that I know of) putting that vibe out...hopefully.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Been there done that. Two years in a completely sexless marriage because my wife was emotionally disconnected from me. Long story short, it was sex that finally allowed her to bring down those last remaining bricks from the emotional wall she had built. Work on the issues you both are facing now but don't underestimate the power of sexual intimacy in the marriage.
> 
> Amp's Short List ....


Thanks Amplexor. This all seems like very good advice.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

HCH said:


> I hear you. To me, there is definitely a difference. If I solely needed sex to get off, I'd take more frequent long showers. If I have the need to just take care of it, obviously I have the tools to do so. That just is not the only thing I need. Sex is great, it is fun, it is all sorts of things to different people. I'll take any and all forms of it, but I also need the emotional connection to come along with the physical connection from time to time. A quicky bent over in the bathroom is amazing, but that is not the only thing I'm looking for. I'm not (that I know of) putting that vibe out...hopefully.



You're not..just speculating that maybe she feels this way.

A good bend over is great when the relationship is well 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Do you have any history of good, mutually satisfying sex and intimacy with your wife? In other words, are you trying to repair damage, or institute something that never existed?

I think if it's the former, you have a better chance of success here. For reasons you both seem to bear some responsibility for, she's ended up with a boatload of resentment that she needs to work though. 

I can't for the life of me, however, believe that its a good idea to risk you building up resentments while she works on hers. Talk about chasing your tail . . . 

What does the marriage counselor say about this period of sexual abstinence? I don't think it's a good idea. She doesn't feel like having sex with you right now: fine. *But what is the plan?* "Wait and see" is not a plan. That leaves you high and dry without knowing when, if ever, your needs are back on the table. 

I assume that you've had an honest discussion with your wife about what sex means to you emotionally. Some women (like me, ahem) can be dense about what lack of sex can do a marriage and to a husband. If she simply cannot bear to have sexual contact with you right now, I would at least insist that she do some reading in the SIM forum here on TAM, or read a book that lays out the emotional needs of men and how they are different from that of women. 

Just to give you some hope: I was emotionally detached from my husband for most of ten years. A story not too different from your own, really--unmet needs, buiding resentments, blah blah blah. It wasn't working through the resentment that led me to immediately fire up the sexual intimacy again: it was the stark realization that my marriage was NEVER going to get better until I did. I worked through the resentment _while_ I banged his brains out every night, partially in an attempt to make up for what I had come to realize was the sheer hell he'd been living in. MAKE SURE she knows that while she has your needs on hold, she is in danger of treading water with working on this marriage. All the hard work she's doing to purge her resentment will be wasted if _you_ end up in the same boat. 

FTR, I too suffered pronounced SAD symptoms every winter that left me utterly fatigued and barely able to function. I reconciled with my husband last spring--emotionally and sexually--and I've not had a single symptom this winter. And it's been a long, cold and snowy one where I am.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Do you have any history of good, mutually satisfying sex and intimacy with your wife? In other words, are you trying to repair damage, or institute something that never existed?


We, in the past, have had a pretty good history. We had a lot of good times. Even when she wasn't meeting my expectations of how much sex I'd like, the sex we were having was great, so I didn't mind. In fact about a year ago, she went through "a phase" where she needed sex more than I did. I did not argue. That slowly faded...that was a bummer. 




GettingIt said:


> What does the marriage counselor say about this period of sexual abstinence? I don't think it's a good idea. She doesn't feel like having sex with you right now: fine. *But what is the plan?* "Wait and see" is not a plan. That leaves you high and dry without knowing when, if ever, your needs are back on the table.


We have only been to one session so far. We briefly hit on the topic, but mostly that session was just getting some of the basic issues laid out. I will be following up on the topic for sure. The wait and see is a hard pill to swallow.



GettingIt said:


> I assume that you've had an honest discussion with your wife about what sex means to you emotionally. Some women (like me, ahem) can be dense about what lack of sex can do a marriage and to a husband.


If this conflict has done anything, it has opened up a world of communication that we haven't had in quite some time. So, that is the positive. Yes, I have filled her in (again) on my needs and what it means to me.



GettingIt said:


> Just to give you some hope: I was emotionally detached from my husband for most of ten years. A story not too different from your own, really--unmet needs, buiding resentments, blah blah blah. It wasn't working through the resentment that led me to immediately fire up the sexual intimacy again: it was the stark realization that my marriage was NEVER going to get better until I did. ... MAKE SURE she knows that while she has your needs on hold, she is in danger of treading water with working on this marriage. All the hard work she's doing to purge her resentment will be wasted if _you_ end up in the same boat.
> 
> FTR, I too suffered pronounced SAD symptoms every winter that left me utterly fatigued and barely able to function. I reconciled with my husband last spring--emotionally and sexually--and I've not had a single symptom this winter. And it's been a long, cold and snowy one where I am.


Thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear a happy ending. I honestly think we'll work through this, but I have a feeling it could be a rough ride along the way. I was totally dreading the counseling, but after the first session, I want to get back for more in order to get this junk all laid out on the table and get it dealt with!


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I think a lot of men in your situation have had success with reading, and putting into action, the Married Man's Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy. I haven't read either of them, just passing along what I've heard.

If your wife is low drive by nature, I think your chances of recovering from this are better than if she were high drive. I say that because a high drive woman isn't going to pull the plug on sex unless she's really, really far gone. But for a low drive woman, asking for a sex break is probably her way of asking you to put her first for a change, even if it causes you pain. Sometimes you have to bear the greater burden so the marriage can heal, you know? I'm guessing that your wife feels that she's done more than her fair share, and thus feels like it's acceptable to transfer that burden to you for a while.

I wouldn't ask her for a timeline yet. I think that will make her worry that any changes she sees in you will have an expiration date. I'd recommend that you decide how long you can give her (hopefully 2 months or so), and THEN ask her what she wants. If she doesn't see an end in sight at that point, you have to tell her what you're willing to do and how long you're willing to wait. 

A woman who asks to stop having sex completely for a long time is really almost at the end of her rope. I think it'd be a good idea for you to prepare yourself for the possibility of divorce. I'm sorry.


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

I've run divorce scenarios over and over. Assuming the worst. I'm not ready to accept that though. She says she loves me and wants to get back on track. She believes counseling and time will work. I'm willing to give what I can as long as I get a little back at some point. Other than the divorce part, I like what you're saying.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

HCH said:


> We, in the past, have had a pretty good history. We had a lot of good times. Even when she wasn't meeting my expectations of how much sex I'd like, the sex we were having was great, so I didn't mind. In fact about a year ago, she went through "a phase" where she needed sex more than I did. I did not argue. That slowly faded...that was a bummer.


I am a bit confused. You say that about a year ago she was very into sex, even more than you were were needing. 

Yet now she wants no sex due to resentments that have built up over the years. Have you two discussed what has changed, presumably over the last year, that would cause this issue?


----------



## HCH (Feb 24, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am a bit confused. You say that about a year ago she was very into sex, even more than you were were needing.
> 
> Yet now she wants no sex due to resentments that have built up over the years. Have you two discussed what has changed, presumably over the last year, that would cause this issue?


I was completely confused as well! I've asked and she wasn't really sure. We both just hit a milestone age and she was associating it with that somehow, but still not really sure. She believed it to be some hormonal situation. It was crazy. Like she NEEDED it! Not romantic or emotional sex, but raw, down and dirty sex.

Like I said, I wasn't about to complain. It was amazing. Wish I could bottle what ever that "hormone" was.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

HCH said:


> I've run divorce scenarios over and over. Assuming the worst. I'm not ready to accept that though. She says she loves me and wants to get back on track. She believes counseling and time will work. I'm willing to give what I can as long as I get a little back at some point. Other than the divorce part, I like what you're saying.


from what i can tell, your situation isnt all that bad. both of you are willing and wanting to improve your relationship, so chances are, you will. 

keep discussing your issues with her. as long as she is reaching out, you know its not over yet.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

HCH said:


> I was completely confused as well! I've asked and she wasn't really sure. We both just hit a milestone age and she was associating it with that somehow, but still not really sure. She believed it to be some hormonal situation. It was crazy. Li*ke she NEEDED it!* Not romantic or emotional sex, but raw, down and dirty sex.


But she can't relate you you needing it like she needed it then? 



HCH said:


> Like I said, I wasn't about to complain. It was amazing. Wish I could bottle what ever that "hormone" was.


Any chance she was trying to jump start things on her own? Any chance she was feeling guilty about something? Any chance that "need" was actually aggression towards you?

Not saying it wasn't hormonal, but if her drive could overcome her resentments then, perhaps a conversation about the curative powers of sex is in order. 

I'm not of the mind that you have to return to the deep, connective, emotional sex right away. That will come with restored intimacy as she works through the resentment in counseling, and as the two of you improve your communication skills. In the meantime, the sex you do have could be thought of as reparative. A necessary step down the path to what you both really want: the good, passionate, intimate connection.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

HCH said:


> We, in the past, have had a pretty good history. We had a lot of good times. Even when she wasn't meeting my expectations of how much sex I'd like, the sex we were having was great, so I didn't mind. In fact about a year ago, she went through "a phase" where she needed sex more than I did. I did not argue. That slowly faded...that was a bummer.


Could be a red flag. She might have been fantasizing about someone who was meeting her EN's and taking the passion into your BR instead of going PA.

Add ^^ to the present day resentment and sexlessness... I learned on TAM that WW will cut off their H and remain monogamous with their OM.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Could be a red flag. She might have been fantasizing about someone who was meeting her EN's and taking the passion into your BR instead of going PA.
> 
> Add ^^ to the present day resentment and sexlessness... I learned on TAM that WW will cut off their H and remain monogamous with their OM.


My thought was maybe that this was more hormonal strangeness. Is she on birth control? perimenopause? It sounds like she needs a thorough work-up to see if the depression and the wonky drive are related. I dunno, can thyroid issues manifest in so many different ways? Something like that?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

2 years AMP?!?

You are a far better man than I.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Could be a red flag. She might have been fantasizing about someone who was meeting her EN's and taking the passion into your BR instead of going PA.
> 
> Add ^^ to the present day resentment and sexlessness... I learned on TAM that WW will cut off their H and remain monogamous with their OM.


I may be a hormonal thing, but Blonde posted what I was wondering about. A cynic would think she rewrote her marriage to justify cutting him off. I don't have any idea if that is happening or not, just that one year ago she had no issues with their previous 13 years but now the last 14 years were so bad there can be no sex. 

That is confusing at best and certainly undercuts her theory that no sex is necessary for you two.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Having a wife similar to yours I can tell you its likely a very long road unless you want to force her into sex by threatening divorce.

And at that point you have to decide do you really want your wife having sex under duress.

There is no logic and the more you push her that something is wrong the more she will push back and find no sex acceptable.

She spends likely no time other than when you talk or go to therapy thinking about it. There is really not much you can do that will make her fell sexually attracted again due to the 14 years of resentment.

I am over 4 years into the recovery now...I also believe her and I are close to a full recovery. She will not go to counselors at least you wife is willing.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

weightlifter said:


> 2 years AMP?!?
> 
> You are a far better man than I.


Not really. I spent far too much time afraid to rock the boat in a disabled marriage by not stating and requiring that my needs be met. Inaction on my part led to inaction on hers. We wasted far too much time treading water and not moving forward.


----------

