# Forgiveness



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The topic of forgiveness is often discussed here but it is seldom understood. Here's an interesting article I found and thought I would share with the rest of the forum:



> *Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness
> By Katherine Piderman, Ph.D. staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn*
> 
> *What is forgiveness?*
> ...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, this is definitely a different spin on how I look at it. The concept of forgiving someone and it allowing you to release the hold they have on you is what I seek, but then I feel like that's just part of me letting go, not actually forgiving. KWIM? I am not giving him forgiveness, because he hasn't admitted his guilt and he won't face me. He's a coward. I will always hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him for the way he's handled this, which is greater than the infidelity itself. But I won't allow him to have a hold on me. I don't care what he thinks. Can I forgive myself for the anger and resentment and move forward without ever actually forgiving him? Does he need to know I've forgiven him if I decide to do so? Or is this something more inside of me?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Wow, this is definitely a different spin on how I look at it. The concept of forgiving someone and it allowing you to release the hold they have on you is what I seek, but then I feel like that's just part of me letting go, not actually forgiving. KWIM? I am not giving him forgiveness, because he hasn't admitted his guilt and he won't face me. He's a coward. I will always hold a lot of anger and resentment towards him for the way he's handled this, which is greater than the infidelity itself. But I won't allow him to have a hold on me. I don't care what he thinks. Can I forgive myself for the anger and resentment and move forward without ever actually forgiving him? Does he need to know I've forgiven him if I decide to do so? Or is this something more inside of me?


The problem I see is how people define forgiveness as being dependent on the offender when it really is not.

Dr Piderman defines forgiveness as a commitment implying that it is a decision made by the one who has been hurt.

Experiencing anger and resentment is normal and healthy, initially. But to give permanent residence to the toxic twins in your heart, will severely damage you in the long run.

If being with the one who hurt you makes it impossible for you to achieve this, then your answer may be to leave him/her.

We cannot control what those who hurts us do, but we can certainly control ourselves. The choice of whether to look at life as a glass half empty or as a glass half full is entirely our responsibility.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks for sharing Morituri. I am trying to forgive my husband and the ow both.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Thanks for sharing Morituri. I am trying to forgive my husband and the ow both.


You're welcome AppleDucklings.

But please keep in mind that when you say you are forgiving them, you ARE NOT condoning their actions nor absolving them from the consequences of those actions - exposure and divorce. 

What you are doing is taking back control of your life which means you will no longer allow yourself to be hurt by them and instead will move on to a better life that they can possibly imagine. No more allowing them to suck you into their pathetic drama, good riddance to both of them.

Will it be easy, hell no. Our emotions are like 3 year old screaming brats throwing a temper tantrum and should be treated as such. Eventually the brats will realize that it is futile to fight against their parent and will calm down. View them this way and you will win your battle over their destructive behavior.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes, I will never accept their affair together and I do not yet forgive either of them but I am working on that. They do not care about the hurt they have caused me and sometimes the best revenge is to forgive and be happy, for they will expect you to always be angry and bitter and they even feed off that but when we are no loner angry or bitter but rather happy, they can't seem to deal with that and in turn, they are driven crazy


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> ...the best revenge is to forgive and be happy, for they will expect you to always be angry and bitter and they even feed off that but when we are no loner angry or bitter but rather happy, they can't seem to deal with that and in turn, they are driven crazy


Some weeks ago I had a chance encounter on the street with my ex-wife. She invited me to coffee at a nearby coffee house and I reluctantly accepted her invitation. After the light conversation ended, she started crying and saying how sorry she was for having betrayed me when there was no reason to have done so. I got up with the intention of leaving but she stopped me and tried to give me a piece of paper. I asked her "What is this?"and she said it was her new cell phone number and she wanted me to have it so that we could talk again. I returned the piece of paper and told her that it would not be a good idea considering that I had a new relationship with another woman. The look of great hurt on her face was unmistakeable and so I left her without any further words.

While some would say that I got my 'revenge' and say that I should have savored my moment of 'victory' over her, the truth is I simply felt very sad for her. God was right when He said 'Revenge is mine'.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Were you actually seeing another woman at the time, or did you just tell her that?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Some weeks ago I had a chance encounter on the street with my ex-wife. She invited me to coffee at a nearby coffee house and I reluctantly accepted her invitation. After the light conversation ended, she started crying and saying how sorry she was for having betrayed me when there was no reason to have done so. I got up with the intention of leaving but she stopped me and tried to give me a piece of paper. I asked her "What is this?"and she said it was her new cell phone number and she wanted me to have it so that we could talk again. I returned the piece of paper and told her that it would not be a good idea considering that I had a new relationship with another woman. The look of great hurt on her face was unmistakeable and so I left her without any further words.
> 
> While some would say that I got my 'revenge' and say that I should have savored my moment of 'victory' over her, the truth is I simply felt very sad for her. God was right when He said 'Revenge is mine'.


"Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord" Romans 12:19 and yes, God can dish out better than we can. Someday my husband will get his and so will the ow. You reap what you sow, what goes around comes around. As much as I do want them to suffer with the same pain they've inflicted upon me, I am also very sad for the both of them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

paramore said:


> Were you actually seeing another woman at the time, or did you just tell her that?


No I am seeing the woman I told her about.

It was plainly obvious that she wanted to rekindle our relationship by giving me her new cell phone number. My point in telling her wasn't just for the sake of honesty but to make it clear to her that I would not hurt the woman I am seeing by also seeing her.

But if I didn't have a new woman in my life, I really don't know. Maybe I would have taken the piece of paper from her and thrown it away when I was far away from her line of sight. 

I sincerely wish my ex-wife happiness but I have no desire to rekindle my relationship with her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> "Vengence is mine sayeth the Lord" Romans 12:19 and yes, God can dish out better than we can. Someday my husband will get his and so will the ow. You reap what you sow, what goes around comes around. As much as I do want them to suffer with the same pain they've inflicted upon me, I am also very sad for the both of them.


The funny thing is that most often it is not God who punish us but ourselves.

Our worst enemy is - and always will be - the one who stares back at us in the mirror.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I also think that a lot of us "faithful" spouses need to forgive ourselves. I don't know about everyone else, but I spent some time focusing on, what did I do wrong, what is wrong with me and so on.

I admit I did not handle things in my marriage the way I should have at the first sign of problems, I went into "control and codependant" mode. I have learned where I went wrong. And have forgiven myself in my mistakes. I found that forgiving myself, has helped me let go and forgive everything else as well. I won't reconcile with my H ever, but I can understand his unhappiness and his other issues, and forgive him for not making the right choices. I hope he can find happiness and fix his issues. But it will no longer be with me in tow.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You are right, Lilyana. We do need to forgive ourselves. I too, blamed myself and I was very hard on myself. What did I do wrong? Where was I not good enough for him? What was the matter with me? I know now that I did nothing wrong. I am not to blame for his affair. I did not make him cheat, that was his own choice and whatever consequences follow, he will have to live with that. My husband may not regret now the pain he has cause dhis family but someday he will and he will also need to forgive himself.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> The funny thing is that most often it is not God who punish us but ourselves.
> 
> Our worst enemy is - and always will be - the one who stares back at us in the mirror.


that's part of our free will. I'm not here to get "preachy" but the Bible, especially in the New Testament is full of parables that teaches us life lessons. I think that even those who are not believers could find the wisdom in some of those parables and how they apply to our lives.


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