# Phases of Reconciliation and Timing



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Just curious about what others have to say about the phases of reconcilation. My wife had brief EA (see my other posts), and we've done the counseling things and are now 3 1/2 months into what I guess is a new marriage. DDay was about 6-7 months ago.

At first we both struggled with what we wanted, this was total hell. 3 months after dday (and NC) we truly reconciled, and experienced periods of hysterical bonding (think that's what it is called).

I'm curious about what others have experienced - thanks!


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

My DDay was also 7 months ago and we are also in reconciliation. Things have been good with some bumps in the road (ie:Triggers). We also went through the hysterical bonding phase and it was good while it lasted. I feel lucky that my H has completely changed and does not give me ANY reason to not trust him now. My issue is that YOU NEVER ever forget the pain they have put us BS's through. 

As an example, just the other night after spending an amazing day together, we sat down together to watch a documentary about marriage on HBO. They discussed all of the facets of marriage and unfortunately infidelity came up. That was it and I went off the deep end and needless to say, our great day was now ruined. Triggers SVCK! The next day we discussed it and moved forward. 

I guess what I am saying is that reconciliation can be a real roller coaster ride. Some days it can be the ride of your life and other days are utterly terrifying. Good luck to you on this journey!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

My WH had two separate 4-5 month EAs with the same OW started about a year apart. I can find no evidence that they were talking for the eight months in between so I am going with that.

We had that 'hysterical bonding' thing at first, after the shock of the 2nd betrayal D-Day wore off, which took a while because I was so deeply hurt because I thought we were in R the whole time and having the best year together for many years.

Anyway, we have settled into a bit of a routine now about 5 months later and it doesn't come up much now. I reserve the right to bring it up and he is fine with that, still willing to answer any and all questions, or just let me vent as necessary.

When he is impatient and snaps at me during times of stress (we run a 24/7 business together) I will tell him that is not OK now. I used to take it because I know how hard he works, but I do too, and I don't think he has earned the right to talk to me that way. Not that he probably ever will now, or should have before. 

I am quick to remind him that this is how he often behaved while involved in his A and it reminds me of that time, even though I do believe that is in the past now. He's said, twice so far, "So, I can't tell you how I feel?" I said, you can 'tell' me how you feel, just not that way. He said " But you sometimes are that way with me and I said, "life's not fair".

I admit, I feel somewhat entitled to special treatment now. He tells me all the time he loves me, that he wants only me forever, etc. I have no reason to suspect anything anymore, but of course I will never forget what happened and now know that , even if the chance is very very slim, the possibility will always be somewhere in the back of my mind.

We are making the effort to spend more time together doing fun things, getting away from the business, to appreciate each other more. And we try to make it new things. We started doing 15-20 mile bikes rides together which is new for us as he always went alone so he could really crank it out.We also take 3-5 mile walks after dinner when we can and go to concerts, small jazz shows, movies, museums etc.

In the past I think we both felt unappreciated and unhappy with our daily lives and, after a while, stopped caring. I am not saying this excused his behavior, and neither is he, now, but it was an issue.

It is a lot easier to like someone who seems to like you back , and that was missing for a while. So, when things come up that make me feel 'unliked' I tell him about it and tell him I do not want to fall back into that pit of resentment we used to be in.

I am cautiously optimistic, because fool me once , twice, three times total now, and I am done with that, and he knows it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hysterical bonding is not reconciliation. Typically it's just a feel good, candy and syrup period that glosses over the infidelity and the circumstances that let up to it. Rug sweeping abounds when a marriage with a serious infidelity "recovers" in just a few months. Everyone "puts it behind" and don't address the core issues that lead up to it, leaving the future susceptible to a repeat in behavior. When a spouse strays it is generally because there is something they are not getting in the marriage. It either drives them or is used as an excuse for their betrayal of their mate. While some of these issues may be directly correlated with the BS, the WS has made a conscious decision to cheat. The onus is on them to make up for the betrayal and accept that they willingly betrayed their vows, spouse and family. But both parties need to look at the whole picture and address the issues in the marriage that lead up to the point where one of them strayed. Those issues must be addressed and improved, no matter which party is responsible for the reconciliation to be successful.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

@Brokenhearted118,
do you remember the name of the documentary that you watched? Other than the difficult adultry part (I get upset during movies or even sit coms when adultery is referenced), was the show helpful to watch in any way?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

@still so sad, 
not sure of the exact title, but if you have HBO, go to ONDemand and look under Documentaries under HBO. It is a story of 10 couples facing marital issues over the course of time. Other than the infidelity part, it was great. (there's a couple on there married for 71 years and their story was beautiful) The infidelity part just got me all fired up and hit a nerve a little too close to home for me.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Hysterical bonding is not reconciliation. Typically it's just a feel good, candy and syrup period that glosses over the infidelity and the circumstances that let up to it.>.

I completely agree, it's NOT reconciliation, it's a short phase when emotions are running high and you are talking constantly about the feelings you both have. 

After this phase I was sad and angry from one day to the next. We both read "Not just Friends" and my H has done a lot of looking inward and is now trying to works on things he feels contributed to his bad decisions to betray me.

As I said, cautiously optimistic, but empowered by the knowledge of knowing what I will do should it ever happen again.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Funny this came up here... I just read about someting on survivinginfidelity.com called the plain of lethal flatness. I think that might be where I am right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Another +1 for hysterical bonding... resulting in pregnancy. Then more reconciliation, pregnancy shock, pregnancy bonding, and now I'm back into some sort of processing phase, or moving into acceptance, I'm not sure. I did quit the smoking and drinking I started after D Day, but questions remain: 

Why did she do this, will it happen again, will I ever feel tempted now that I have an "excuse," etc? Will this specter come back to haunt us when the child is grown? That's all I've ever wanted to avoid regarding children - I wanted them to have the healthy home life I didn't. This is a long game, and sure she feels strong now, but she never wants to talk or think about what happened. I'm processing it more or less on my own now while helping her along with pregnancy issues.

It's a tricky beast. You think you're starting to figure out your emotions, what everything means to you, etc, and the smallest thing triggers you and sends you spiraling. It's also happened a few times already now that my state of mind has settled to a new normal and I think I'm getting things sorted out, but just then, everything gets all muddled up again.

I guess it becomes hard to plan the rest of your life when there's even the slightest doubt about what role your life partner will play.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Brokenhearted’s reaction to infidelity is very normal and additional reminders will be upsetting for years to come. In fact infidelity reminders will probably be a little bitter for the rest of your life. That is good to some degree as you do not want to get lax on such a horrible event.



> My issue is that YOU NEVER ever forget the pain they have put us BS's through.


You will not forget the pain but if you R right then the pain, after many years, can be a very distant pain and will not be real powerful. I remember when I was in high school and took a girl that I liked to the fair. I was trying to win her a teddy bear and another boy came up, the school hunk, and she took off with him. That was a big pain then but it is something that we laugh about now. I am not saying you will ever laugh about the affair but it will fade. Just do not expect it to fade in the first few years.

*My experience is that it takes 3-4 years for the pains to stop being so sharp.* I do not want to discourage anyone but not a whole lot gets better in months but after the first year, each year you will see good improvement if done right.

As for the Hysterical bonding I say soak it up!! After several years the pain will fade and so will the hysterical bonding. That is a good trade off don’t you think?


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