# Confused, hurt, and the whole gamit



## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

A little background, we are both 35, we have been together for 9 years, married for 5. She is getting her doctorate in Pyschology, and is about a year away from getting it. The hard parts are over now. She is taking Xanax three times a day(as prescribed), but has been drinking heavily on them for the past few months. 

During the beginning of our relationship, my brother had died from an overdose, then my mother died 1 year later due to lung cancer, and then my father another year after that to lung cancer. We had a rocky start to our relationship. When we first started dating I was nonchalant in my courting of her. She asked me to join her at a bar one night before she left, I did not go as I felt I had barely known her. She said she had cried over that, and still bring it up to this day. She says she cried almost every summer she went home because of me, but the relationship still went on. I had stayed out at night late a few times(5-6), which had apparently hurt her very deeply during our early years. So much so she left me for 4 days to stay at a friends house, which she still brings up. Most recently(1-2 months ago), I was at a friend's house till 4:30 or so. But this is the first time this has happened in I don't know how many years. The reason I did this was because I had too much too drink, and could not drive. She turns off her phone at night, so it is impossible for me to call her and tell her where I was or, to come get me. 

Recently she came to me and said she was done, she was sick of my lifestyle. The list is smoking, finances, emotional connection, reliability, and general direction in life. she said she wants me in her life, loves me very deeply, but is not "in love" or so she said in the therapist's office. She said me losing our ring was symbolic of all the issues she had with me, and that was the final straw. She said she feels trapped, doesn't want to be obligated to anyone, doesn't want to be married and just wants friends in her life. She says she was hurt too bad. I am not too sure how to handle myself through all this. I am trying to be understanding, and be there for her. She had what I would call an emotional affair with her previous psychiatrist, he was taking her out to dinner, giving her gifts, exchanging emails, etc.. She only realized what she was doing when he got angry because she would not be physical with him, and after he called me a parasite. She broke it off then. I was completely unaware of what was going on. This was 2 months ago. The talk of divorce came up on the 27th of October, so my wounds are still fresh. I have made some drastic changes in the past week I addressed all the issues she had taken with me, which I will list here: I quit Smoking(I quit last year, but continued to smoke cigars), I quit smoking weed, I became more dependable, did what I said I was going to do, started helping around the house more, i made a pledge to not drink as much either, and started getting my financial house in order. She has taken notice, but still says she needs time. 

Well fast forward to tonight. I told her I am confused in what she wants, she says she wants distance, but we live in the same house, we still kiss and hug, we were laying in the same bed spooning and cuddling up until tonight. She tells me over the past week she is listening to her heart, so I asked what is her heart telling her, and she says she doesn't know, it is just something she needs to do for herself. I talked about the divorce issue, and she felt that we should go through with it, as this is what it took to make changes on my end. I still wore my wedding through this time, but gave it to her tonight, and told her, if and when she was ready to get "remarried" bring the ring with her. I had lost our original ring when I was playing horseshoes(I took it off because I did not want to scratch it). Then later in the night, I vented about the emotional affair, I know I shouldn't have but I did, it was bothering me just too much as I feel she violated our marriage. She told me she was getting her needs met that weren't being met at home. I can understand her thought process, but not the actual act of going through with it. I said some hurtful things I am sure, because I was angry, and I feel this only served to put more distance between us. I tried holding her hand tonight, but she was not having it, I tried spooning with her, and she said she needs time. What should I do from this point forward? I would love to make our relationship work, but I am caught in a horrible dynamic. Please give me some direction to reconciliation.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Update, this morning around 4am she come and got me off the couch. From there, we cuddled in bed till about 8:30 or so. We kissed each other and hugged. She called me this morning to say "sorry for hurting you", was concerned with the dogs as they are cowering and moping around the house. But she was running late to work, so she was hurried.

Thought I would throw a little info out there.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe that's good, but most of these posts go up and down (the "roller coaster" they talk of) for weeks, maybe months. If both of you are willing to stick it out, have heart and patience, you're going to go back and forth on the D-Day issue for probably awhile, but I'm pulling for you.
Best of luck, and keep us posted!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

P.S.-turn in that old therapist to the AMA-he should lose his license for that!


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Maybe that's good, but most of these posts go up and down (the "roller coaster" they talk of) for weeks, maybe months.


That is exactly how it feels. Just got of a long call with my cousin, I think we(cousin and I) have decided that the best tact to take is to avoid any discussion of the relationship, and for me to just to try and be there for my wife.



F-102 said:


> If both of you are willing to stick it out, have heart and patience, you're going to go back and forth on the D-Day issue for probably awhile, but I'm pulling for you.
> Best of luck, and keep us posted!


I assume this is how it will go, I am willing to stick it out, as I love my wife dearly. I appreciate the kind words and will try to heed them on my side. I am sure to keep you folks posted.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

F-102 said:


> P.S.-turn in that old therapist to the AMA-he should lose his license for that!


This is on the forefront of my mind, but my wife needs to finish her schooling before we get into this, as I and many other folks believe this is the best course of action.


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