# What about the kids?



## sam (Jul 2, 2009)

Anyhow, I am considering a divorce from my wife. I have not been in love with her, we married due to pregnancy when we were 20. We have 3 amazing daughters, 7, 4 and 2 years old. I have another thread that explains our issues. We have been doing thereapy (couples and individual) for months. the therapy is good but I am just realizing more and more that I am not and never was in love with her, I was just "doing the right thing" and I lied to her for years about being "happy and okay". 

I just dont know how me leaving will effect my girls, I want to live very close to them and still be a part of the day to day as much as I can, and if possible remain friends with my wife. I dont know, My therapish she says I need to feel loved and happiness in my life, and that it may not work with my wife (wife betrayed my trust by sending topless pics to another guy). But when I really think about it I just cant imagine telling my girls that i am moving out of the house. But I have seen that staying together in a loveless marriage can be detrimental also so I am lost.

anything helps, and I appreciate it all.


----------



## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

Sam, I have a friend that said her parents were together until she was done in school, and still talks about how she always knew they didnt love each other. She hated it. Said it was never a good feeling in her home growing up. Parents were quiet and distant. I have heard also that it is better for children to know their parents are happy. Their happiness in a lot of ways comes from you. Whoever they are around is how they will be. 
We have to be able to love ourselves before we can love others... 
I have been going back and forth for over a week to leave or not leave... I went to my therapist today. I explained how half wants to go, and half wants to stay. Therapist asked what is each half saying? Then have each half tell other half why leaving or not leaving. Outcome was very helpful. Actually said a 1 month "retreat" would be very beneficial for me. I was very surprised! It was as if I needed someone to tell me GO. She said she was not going to be that person. Also said instead of looking for room to rent, look into extended hotel. Ramada? Something like that? Anyway you look at it. Its hard to do.


----------



## sam (Jul 2, 2009)

Thank you. I have heard the same thing about the kids knowing that the parents werent in love and werent together for love.

I know that I want to leave my wife, But I think about how my kids will be hurt when I tell them I am going to live somewhere else and it kills me. 

I guess I just want to see if anyone out there has divorced and how did the kids react, did they eventually adjust? did they lose respect for you? Im just worried I guess.


----------



## carilynn (Aug 19, 2009)

Yes they will be upset. Yes they will adjust? No they will not lose respect for you. They are only 7, 4, and 2. I would think the first thing you need to do is talk to W. Come up with plan together, rationally. You have to really plan when small kids are in the picture. Im not writing from experience, just observations of what I would have done. Plan for expenses. Things like will you have apt, or rent room? Where will they sleep? They need to know that no matter what they will be safe. Then you can both sit down with kids and explain that you are both going to take a "retreat" (sounds better vs. separation) from one another. Explain that kids will have a bed and moms and one at dads. They dont need a fancy bed, even an air mattress will be good. They just need to know they will be with one of you all the time. Good luck.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is how I think about things when you/people talk about staying for the kids.

First, how old are they? Are they young? Younger kids require more hands on and it is difficult logistics/activity wise to raise them alone. Plus, if they are teens they can drive to your place and activities as they age.

Second, how is the relationship with your spouse? Are you distant? Are you fighting all of the time? Is there abuse/affairs/addiction? If there are then if may be time to part. If it's like a roommate type relationship..then perhaps you can hold out.

It may not be popular among many to stay with the kids anymore. I don't know. My personal opinion is that a two parent household, when not under contant conflict, is easier when raising young children. Yep. It's a sacrifice for the adults.


----------



## sam (Jul 2, 2009)

Thanks everyone.

They will be safe, They have a house (wifes dad owns it outright) and it is in a good area with a great school which they like. My wife would stay in the house, I would be the one on my own....I am thinking I should get an apartment as close to them as possible. I love them, just cant carry on any longer with my wife, I feel like we can both be happier apart and I feel like I am wasting time for both of us.

The mood at the house is odd, I have VERY little talk with my wife, I dont have anything to say. I try to be as normal as I can for my girls but they notice I think.


----------



## blind (Jan 17, 2008)

Sam,

My ex-wife left me last October with the divorce being final shortly after. She actually filed before leaving and we worked everything out before the separation. We have two kids (7 year old son and 2 year old daughter). I didn't want the separation or divorce, but it was abundantly clear she was going to end the marriage. Although it was very tough for me not to blame her for choosing to end the marriage, she and I sat down and devised a plan to tell our son. We agreed that we would not tell him at this point whose decision it was to separate/divorce. We simply told him that a decision had been made that mom and dad were no longer going to live together. We let him know that it is okay for him to ask questions, but that we may not have all the answers. We had already worked out the details regarding custody and visitation so we were able to let him know how things would work. I have my kids 2 nights each week and every other weekend. We still haven't let him know whose decision this was as I don't feel he is able to understand. It is important for the kids to have a healthy relationship with both parents after divorce. We didn't feel he needed to deal with the blame issues as it may impact his view of one or both of us. My son has struggled at times but he is slowly adjusting to the arrangements. He became less mature, pouty, selfish, etc etc. He went from acting age appropriate to acting more like a 3-4 year old. This lasted a few months and then he began adjusting better. There are still times that he struggles. I think for the most part his hurt stems from the fact that when he is with his mom he misses me and when with me he misses his mother. He loved what he knew as "family time" and that has been taken away from him. Now "family time" to him is lacking in that he doesn't get to share it with both his parents at the same time. My heart breaks for him often. My daughter, while certainly affected, seems to be doing just fine. She won't know any different. I know this will affect her more down the road, but I feel she'll have fewer struggles than my son. Please don't think I am less concerned about her; its just a different concern. How your kids will adjust is greatly impacted by how you and your wife handle the situation. If you are going to go through with this, you must do everything in your power to help them at every turn. You must speak openly with your wife about a good plan. And, after the separation, the two of you must continue to have good communication about how the kids are doing. There have been times that I have noticed issues with my son that my wife hadn't noticed and vice versa. Through communication we have been able to help him when he is struggling.

When I was 5 my parents divorced. I love my parents dearly, but they could have handled my brother and I better. My brother was 10 at the time. I remember very little about it and I feel I adjusted fairly well. My brother on the other hand was very distraught and I feel it has affected his entire life and his struggling at times with socialization, drugs, and alcohol. I could go into many details, but I feel the thing that affected my brother the most is that we only saw our father every other weekend. He and I both have a great relationship with our father now that we are grown, but I don't feel we had enough time with him as children to maintain a nurturing and healthy relationship.

I haven't read your other thread about why you feel the marriage should end. But, my personally feeling generally is that if there are not fidelity or abusive issues then divorce is not the best option for the children. As parents, we are responsible for our children and bringing them into this world. They are the true victims of divorce. As parents we may have to sacrafice our happiness for theirs. I appreciate many feel that children are better off with divorced parents vs. living in a loveless home. But, I generally do not subscribe to that school of thought. Again, this is just my opinion as a man who grew up with divorced parents and as a father who didn't have a choice in whether my children should grow up with divorced parents.

My very best goes out to your children.


----------

