# Relieved that I no longer have to have sex



## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

My boyfriend of 9 years made the decision that he will no longer ask or initiate sex. He said we can engage if I ask for it, I feel very relieved by this. I am not a HD person, I am not sure I ever really was. In the beginning we had a lot of sex, but we were horny teenagers, 2 kids later we are down to about 3-4 times a month. I would be happy with once a month. He wants it about 5 times a week. The only reason why it is 3-4 times a month and not less, is becasue I want to keep the peace. 

He says that he doesn't even enjoy it anymore because he knows that I am noy enjoying it. I tell him that even though I don't need it as often as him, I do it becasue I know he wants it. That is not good enough for him. He says he wants me to want it, well I don't, and I can't make myself want it.

I know it is not fair to him, my focus is on the kids and not on him anymore. I told him I would be ok with him getting a girlfriend on the side. Though he does have someone in mind, he hasn't taken me up on the offer. Unfortunatly for him that someone is an 18 year old college student who recently moved 4 hours a way to attend school. So he probably won't have much luck with her.

People talk all the time about how sex is this emotional, spiritual, magical connection between two people. I must be wired wrong. When I have sex with him, I don't get all warm and fuzzy inside, I don't feel closer to him, in fact the opposite is true. I get more and more angry and more and more bitter. The resentment grows a little more each time. 

Our lease is ending in 4 months so we need to figure out if we will continue to live together or move into 2 seperate places. I just don't kow what to do.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I hate to say it but it sounds like there is trouble on the horizon. The girlfriend on the side thing really concerns me; are you really prepared for that? What is it about this relationship that makes it worth it for you?

Most disconcerting is your comment:

When I have sex with him, I don't get all warm and fuzzy inside, I don't feel closer to him, in fact the opposite is true. I get more and more angry and more and more bitter. The resentment grows a little more each time.

Is this because of him or because of you? Even if you don't have a high sex drive, which is perfectly ok ... THIS is not a healthy reaction. I would seek counseling on this issue outside of this forum and talk it out; you might be surprised when you discover why you feel this way.

I'm not sure it is healthy for the two of you to continue to go down this path. You have two children and I'm assuming they are with him ... my instinct is to shield the children from potential instability that going down this path might result in, even if that means living apart from their father.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

You two shouldn't be together. Period. You deserve to be with someone whose sexual desires will match your own, and not cause resentment, and he deserves to be with a women who gives a damn. 

I used to not be see to harsh and cynical about these sorts of situations, but not anymore. If you're not sexually compatible, you shouldn't be together.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why are you two still together???


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've established that there is no requirement or expectation for either of you to concern yourselves with the needs of the other. He can't trust you to give what he needs and consequently, you have no right to expect that he will do anything for you. The agreement then, is one to share expenses until the lease runs out? These kids have parents who feel no particular obligation to each other? A decision to deny your "boyfriend"'s reasonable needs is a choice that your kids will likely be raised in poverty, that they will grow up without their father in the home, that they will subsequently achieve less academically and will be much more inclined to get into trouble. The world was designed to turn a particular way for a reason....because it works. You claim to love your "boyfriend" but you're content to watch him suffer as long as you're not inconvenienced. That's not love or anything remotely in the same zipcode. Love looks like putting another's needs above your own...probably the way you deal with your kids. If your kids are hungry but you aren't, do you still feed them or do you tell them to go to the neighbor lady and ask for something? Either you're in a committed relationship or not. "Committed" means you do what has to be done, especially when you don't feel like it. Your boyfriend can randomly pick any woman on the face of the earth and expect any would commit to doing what they felt like on the days they felt like it. That's not a commitment at all.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. *Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. *Something has got to give.


You're a SAHM? How old are the kids?

Sorry, I'm in agreement with C2W. I am a SAHM with three kids. We have three. I just don't understand when women use the excuse that having sex is just too much after having kids. I don't get it. We even co-slept with all of our kids, and STILL found time for sex every other night. It wasn't until recently that it dropped to the range you mentioned....and it isn't me who doesn't want sex. It's him, because of his medications. So, I really don't see how it's so draining...sorry, I just don't.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jebus crispie RandomGirl, for a second there I panicked thinking you were my wife lol

Anyways on a serious note, have a talk with your counsellor about this, there must be a reason behind the resentment either than him wanting sex 5x a week.


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Well, I don't agree that a wife should lay down and take it even if she has no desire to do so. Nor do I think a man should want to continue to have sex with someone who is obviously forcing them self into it. But I do agree that you two are obviously not compatible in the sex area and you two need to determine whether or not that is a deal breaker. 
Offering him the chance with another women baffles me though. Your giving him only part of the package and you want him to get the rest somewhere else? What if she gives him the whole package and he decided to discard the incomplete deal for the whole one?
I am also a SAHM and full time student and we have sex average twice a week. If I don't feel like it I am NOT doing it. I don't think your energy level from the kids is the whole story and I do think you two need to consider breaking up.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> You're a SAHM? How old are the kids?
> 
> Sorry, I'm in agreement with C2W. I am a SAHM with three kids. We have three. I just don't understand when women use the excuse that having sex is just too much after having kids. I don't get it. We even co-slept with all of our kids, and STILL found time for sex every other night. It wasn't until recently that it dropped to the range you mentioned....and it isn't me who doesn't want sex. It's him, because of his medications. So, I really don't see how it's so draining...sorry, I just don't.


I tell my wife all the time "you make time for what is important to you". excuses are nothing but excuses and carry no weight with me. It's insulting!!


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Have you ever had an orgasm?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

RandomGirl said:


> We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.


Before anything can change, your attitude has to change. That you are "relieved" that you "don't _have_ to have sex anymore" is astonishingly sad to me. You're relieved that you have put your husband in an impossible situation? That you have resentment and feel further away from him the more you have sex, while he feels further away from you when you don't...these attitudes need to change before any progress can be made. It's not a matter of just laying there and taking one for the team. 

I pity your boyfriend. It's honorable that you say you want to change, but that change is going to be harsh. Your entire mentality about sex is going to have to change. This isn't an easy task you're about to take on. As hard as it may be, I think the best thing would be for the two of you to split. It's unfortunate, but honestly, unless you're willing to change a lot of things about yourself, I don't see a happy ending here. At all.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.


I am having trouble understanding how in love the two of you are if you are willing to let him have sex with another woman and he is more than happy to agree. I think if I were him and I was in love with you then as tempting as it may sound, I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to hurt you ... and no matter how convincing you may be that you don't have a problem with it, I wouldn't buy it. That's just me. For some, sex seems to be just something you do to have fun and can compartmentalize that way. A one-night stand I could think of that way but you are talking about someone filling in for you so that he gets his "needs" met and you don't have to have sex with him. As far as this other woman who he is allowed to have sex with ... it is hard to imagine a woman who would have sex with him on a regular basis who wouldn't eventually have an emotional interest.

As much as I hate the idea of children living without their father, your sexual incompatibility seems like it is going to be a huge problem. You don't deserve to be required to have sex if you don't want to ... nobody can tell you that. I have never believed that a woman has that obligation ... it's up to her. Seems to me that if that isn't suitable to him then he has a big decision to make if you don't make it for him.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.


This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change. 

Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido. 

You're getting piled on a little bit here, but the reason it's hard for people to understand is because it's not really a natural, biological reaction to not like sex. Our bodies are designed to respond to it (that's why it feels so good, and why it creates these amazing emotional connections in our mind). The urge to have sex is in a primal part of our brain, one that receives stimulus before the rational part of our minds has had a chance to process it.

There is such a thing as a person with a low sex drive, but more often than not there's an underlying reason and it deserves to be addressed. If you really want your relationship to survive you need to see a Doctor and a therapist. Sex is fun, it has amazing effects on our bodies, our hormones, our stress levels and our ability to think clearly. If you're not enjoying it then that's a symptom of a larger problem, and if that problem isn't addressed your relationship will probably end. I don't know what hope there is for someone who wants sex a lot of the time but is with someone who doesn't want it at all. He'll cheat, or he'll leave you. Someday, somewhere your world of 'no' will be replaced by someone who is a world of 'yes'.

I wish you the best. You deserve to love sex, it really is a ripping good time.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

devastated3343 said:


> This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change.
> 
> Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido.
> 
> ...


I don't think she should be piled on for not liking sex. She very well may have a low sex drive and that's ok. I also think that she should try to figure out why through counseling mostly because of her reaction to having sex with her boyfriend but at the end of the day, she isn't obligated to have sex with her boyfriend or enjoy sex when she does. I would want to eliminate the possibility of any unresolved issues that may affect other areas of her life. I do think if they continue the path they are on, the relationship will fail. Hope not.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

devastated3343 said:


> This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change.
> 
> Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything written here, especially the bold parts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I don't think she should be piled on for not liking sex. She very well may have a low sex drive and that's ok. I also think that she should try to figure out why through counseling mostly because of her reaction to having sex with her boyfriend but at the end of the day, she isn't obligated to have sex with her boyfriend or enjoy sex when she does. I would want to eliminate the possibility of any unresolved issues that may affect other areas of her life. I do think if they continue the path they are on, the relationship will fail. Hope not.


I agree. If she does not want sex, she should not have to have it. But then she also cannot expect her bf to stay around because he has a need for sex.

They both have needs and rights.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomGirl,

Your low/no sex drive can be caused by a few things. Two that come to mind is that he is not meeting your needs and/or hormonal imbalances.

See a doctor and have your hormone levels checked. If they are low or out of wack, there might be help for you.

You do not seem to be happy with your life. You say that you are tired after being home with children all the time. Do you get the help you need from your bf when he's not at work? Do you two get date nights? How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things that you both enjoy? This all comes down to if you are getting your needs met or not. If you are not, your sex drive will plumit. Eventually your love for him will as well.

Telling him that he can get sex else where is not such a hot idea since he will most likely bond with his sex partner and leave you.

I can understand why he told you that he does not want sex with you anymore. It has most likely been very hurtful to him. He's given up.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree. If she does not want sex, she should not have to have it. But then she also cannot expect her bf to stay around because he has a need for sex.
> 
> They both have needs and rights.


Agree 100%


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Look at this, you said you don't have to have sex anymore but your boyfriend love sex do you really think he is going to be happy with 3-4 times a month and he know you hate it. ,he might be on another board right now talking about he is in a sexless relationship.I can see no way he could be happy he has just given up with this situatian.

I am with other on here in saying you need to go find a low sex drive person and he needs to find somebody that fits him or have an open marraige if you just want to be roommates who take care of kids together. 

You need to start figure of finances and getting other things in order so you are both prepared for the future apart,because do you think it will be a great envionment to raise kids if you are bitter and even if he says he will not be he ill be inside.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dubbizle said:


> Look at this, you said you don't have to have sex anymore but your boyfriend love sex do you really think he is going to be happy with every 3-4 months ,he might be on another board right now talking about he is in a sexless relationship.I can see no way he could be happy he has just given up with this situatian.
> 
> I am with other on here in saying you need to go find a low sex drive person and he needs to find somebody that fits him or have an open marraige if you just want to be roommates who take care of kids together.
> 
> I


My bet is that is RandomGirl starts to date again and finds another guy she likes... her sex drive will shoot up to where it was before she had children. This is a very normal thing to happen.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

What's this world coming to? I applaud him for sticking around. Sheesh! Wait. Are you asking us for help? You want to work this out? Get some hormone shot or something...I mean 5x a week is quite much but to be relived that your man won't seek satisfaction from you anymore? Huh? Ok. Read your post to yourself and trust me you'll find your answer. To each their own.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> My boyfriend of 9 years made the decision that he will no longer ask or initiate sex. He said we can engage if I ask for it, I feel very relieved by this. I am not a HD person, I am not sure I ever really was. In the beginning we had a lot of sex, but we were horny teenagers, 2 kids later we are down to about 3-4 times a month. I would be happy with once a month. He wants it about 5 times a week. The only reason why it is 3-4 times a month and not less, is becasue I want to keep the peace.
> 
> He says that he doesn't even enjoy it anymore because he knows that I am noy enjoying it. I tell him that even though I don't need it as often as him, I do it becasue I know he wants it. That is not good enough for him. He says he wants me to want it, well I don't, and I can't make myself want it.
> 
> ...



Sex is important to him, and it's of so little importance to you that you're open to him having a piece on the side. That shows a deep, and fundamental disrespect for your man's sexuality, your relationship, and yourself. 

You are not the right people for each other. With this lease coming up it's a great time to move on. You aren't married, so you can co-parent without going through a messy legal battle.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wonder how long before this poor guy figures out he's only a walking ATM machine or a slave. He can mail his support check and still have a relationship with someone who values him. Predictably, the kids will bear the brunt of this misery. The whole premise of this "he can get some elsewhere" scheme rests on the notion that, having found someone with a little compassion and empathy, he'll be content to only have sex with her but will continue to bring his body and the majority of his pay to an indifferent wife.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I wonder how long before this poor guy figures out he's only a walking ATM machine or a slave. He can mail his support check and still have a relationship with someone who values him. Predictably, the kids will bear the brunt of this misery. The whole premise of this "he can get some elsewhere" scheme rests on the notion that, having found someone with a little compassion and empathy, he'll be content to only have sex with her but will continue to bring his body and the majority of his pay to an indifferent wife.


Worse. She's not his wife.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Its time for you two to break up and part ways.

That is the truth

you either do that or you continue down this road. I am not a person who is filled with delusion about "sparking love back". That is all a game people play. You must deal with reality

best of luck.

Sex should not be like that with a person you believe to "love".


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why are you living with a man, having children, and remaining unmarried?

I think the background of why you are living like this is crucial to gain an understanding of the present.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not having a sexual relationship will really put a strain on your relationship. He is telling you this out of frustration and he feels very rejected by you.

Since you no longer are intimate with your bf, he will find it elsewhere. Honestly, don't be surprised when he breaks up with you for another woman. It's good that your not married to him. Otherwise it would end in a costly divorce for the both of you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

RandomGirl said:


> We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other.


I don't think you do love each other. At least not in the right way. A woman who wants a man to have sex with other women doesn't love that man as a boyfriend/husband. You might love him like a roommate, but you certainly don't love him like a boyfriend/husband.



RandomGirl said:


> We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.


You are drained from staying at home with your kids all day, yet you are ambivalent about your boyfriend leaving your home and diminishing his support of you, so that you have to rejoin the work force? Do you actually believe that holding a full-time job while raising two kids with no help will be easier than what you're doing now? Seriously?

That's like complaining because you're tired of working the clutch on your stick-shift car, so you're just going to start walking to work. It might be doable, but it won't be easier.

Perhaps you think there is some stockpile of men just itching to be the roommate of a single mother who doesn't like sex. Let me just tell you that there's not. You will have great difficulty finding a man to commit his support to you and your children without the promise of a fulfilling sex life.

If you really want your relationship to work, then you need to commit to each other. And that means considering the other person's needs as vital responsibilities of yours. Just as vital as your children's.

Good luck.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The OP and Little Bird should get together. 

First thought that wouldn't work since they are both women, but since neither like sex anyhow, all they really want/need is a roommate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomGirl,

When was the last time you had a job outside your home? How are you going to support yourself and your children when you breakup with your bf or he leaves you for the other woman who he will be getting sex from.

No you should not have to have sex with a guy so he will help support you.

But if you want the good things that are in your life, for example being able to be a SAHM, you really should look into a way to get your sex drive back. It's completely do-able.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I do not believe your relationship is all that great. If it was, you WOULD want to have sex. You say you are in love - well if you really were in love, romantically in love, you'd want to have sex with him.

And why in gods name would you tell him to go have sex with someone else?? Holy crap. That's just messed.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> The OP and Little Bird should get together.
> 
> First thought that wouldn't work since they are both women, but since neither like sex anyhow, all they really want/need is a roommate.


No, LittleBird is just projecting her resentment. In another thread, she wrote that she is engaged and each day, she gives her fiance 2 BJs and 1 PiV. And he is a lazy guy who doesn't prioritize her needs.

So she resents the hell out of sex and projects that onto other threads. But the fact is that there is a HUGE difference between a 20 year-old burning out on providing 3 sex acts each day, and a 40 year-old complaining about having to provide 1 sex act every 5-10 days.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

RandomGirl said:


> We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.


I find it telling that you first post had nothing to do with fixing things, only your relief, as well as an indication that you two would be splitting. If that is where you are at, tell him now and start the processing of moving forwarding without each other.

If not, start figuring out what you need and are willing to do. Read up on the differences between men and women regarding sex and needs. Do his needs/her needs and see where each of you is at and what you might be doing wrong. Would you agree to counseling?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think he's already found himself a new partner.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Worse. She's not his wife.


Oh.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I do not believe your relationship is all that great. If it was, you WOULD want to have sex. You say you are in love - well if you really were in love, romantically in love, you'd want to have sex with him.
> 
> And why in gods name would you tell him to go have sex with someone else?? Holy crap. That's just messed.


That's the point I try to make to my wife is that how can you say you love me so much and not want to be intimate. I can't understand that and it has caused me severe issues. I love my wife I want to be intimate all the time, so my on conclusion is those feelings are not the same for her. That is a huge blow to my self esteem and ego to the point that right now I don't even want to be sexual with her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> I think he's already found himself a new partner.



He didn't have an old one, so if he's found a partner, he's breaking new ground.


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> You're a SAHM? How old are the kids?
> 
> Sorry, I'm in agreement with C2W. I am a SAHM with three kids. We have three. I just don't understand when women use the excuse that having sex is just too much after having kids. I don't get it. We even co-slept with all of our kids, and STILL found time for sex every other night. It wasn't until recently that it dropped to the range you mentioned....and it isn't me who doesn't want sex. It's him, because of his medications. So, I really don't see how it's so draining...sorry, I just don't.


Yes I am a SAHM. The kids are 3 and 6 months. It is so draining because I never really get a break. I have no family here to watch them. My boyfriend owns his own business and works a lot. I don't really no anyone, and don't feel cofortable leaving them with a stranger. I have never had anyone watch them ever. So I have not had a break in over 3 years. I go grocery shopping on Sundays but I still take the baby with me, so that doesn't really count. I get some time in the evening when they are in bed, but soemone always wakes up and needs me. I am burnt out, to say the least. I am an introvert by nature, and the constant neediness of kids and a boyfriend really gets to me. I love to just be by myself and with my own thoughts and I don't get that luxuary anymore. It is like when the kids are in bed, then the boyfriend needs stuff from me. When can I ever just be left alone and breath for a minute? Sorry, this turned into a rant, I apologize.


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

LdyVenus said:


> Have you ever had an orgasm?


Yes. It is not all that great though. Even when I do it by myself, it takes too much mental effort and not really worth it. I would rather be doing something else.


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I am having trouble understanding how in love the two of you are if you are willing to let him have sex with another woman and he is more than happy to agree. I think if I were him and I was in love with you then as tempting as it may sound, I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to hurt you ... and no matter how convincing you may be that you don't have a problem with it, I wouldn't buy it. That's just me. For some, sex seems to be just something you do to have fun and can compartmentalize that way. A one-night stand I could think of that way but you are talking about someone filling in for you so that he gets his "needs" met and you don't have to have sex with him. As far as this other woman who he is allowed to have sex with ... it is hard to imagine a woman who would have sex with him on a regular basis who wouldn't eventually have an emotional interest.
> 
> As much as I hate the idea of children living without their father, your sexual incompatibility seems like it is going to be a huge problem. You don't deserve to be required to have sex if you don't want to ... nobody can tell you that. I have never believed that a woman has that obligation ... it's up to her. Seems to me that if that isn't suitable to him then he has a big decision to make if you don't make it for him.


I just feel that if I can't provide what he needs then he should not have to suffer and he can get it from someone else. It hasn't happened yet and if it ever did, I would hope I could handle it. He has only shown interest in 1 girl, but it is more of a crush then anything that could potentially be serious. She does't even live here in town anymore.


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Jebus crispie RandomGirl, for a second there I panicked thinking you were my wife lol
> 
> Anyways on a serious note, have a talk with your counsellor about this, there must be a reason behind the resentment either than him wanting sex 5x a week.


Oh man, that is pretty funny.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> Yes I am a SAHM. The kids are 3 and 6 months. It is so draining because I never really get a break. I have no family here to watch them. My boyfriend owns his own business and works a lot. I don't really no anyone, and don't feel cofortable leaving them with a stranger. I have never had anyone watch them ever. So I have not had a break in over 3 years. I go grocery shopping on Sundays but I still take the baby with me, so that doesn't really count. I get some time in the evening when they are in bed, but soemone always wakes up and needs me. I am burnt out, to say the least. I am an introvert by nature, and the constant neediness of kids and a boyfriend really gets to me. I love to just be by myself and with my own thoughts and I don't get that luxuary anymore. It is like when the kids are in bed, then the boyfriend needs stuff from me. When can I ever just be left alone and breath for a minute? Sorry, this turned into a rant, I apologize.


This is perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. Far more so than your original post where you seemed resigned to not wanting to have sex and at least suggested that you were glad you don't have to.

Two young kids is a lot of work. 6 months is tough, and the next few months (as you know) are harder. I always found 9-12 months to be hardest. The babies are big enough to start sitting up but don't have their balance yet. They can see things they want and can start to express themselves but you can't move two feet away from them without thinking they're going to fall and hurt themselves. And they start to notice when you leave the room and get upset. This was the most exhausting time for me and my STBXW. 

You have to work with your partner, you have to trade off time taking care of the kids. If you're breastfeeding then you have to pump a few extra bottles so you can leave for an evening or have a glass of wine or two. 

It sounds more like postpartum depression, which is also normal and can be treated. Rather than express that sex is the problem and you're glad to not have to deal with it, maybe change your focus and find ways to relax and be happy, unwind, take some time for yourself. You need these things before you think about sex. 

Your partner can watch the kids. I was terrified of being left home with my 3 year old and newborn, and they weren't crazy about the idea either. We were never a couple who go babysitters, and my X is an attachment parent who slept with the kids and breastfed my D6 until she was 5 and still BF's our S3. It was really hard for us to go out, and for the most part we didn't, and now we're getting divorced.

Sex is important, taking care of yourself is very important, creating and maintaining a happy family is very important. 

Your first priority is to take care of you. You can't take care of anyone else if you're unhealthy.
Your second priority is to take care of your partner. The two of you need each other healthy, happy and strong so you can be at your best for your kids.
Your third priority is to take care of your kids. They may be the most important things in your life, but if you're taking care of them at your own expense you'll hurt them in the long run.

Not wanting sex is a sign of a larger problem. Feeling overworked and stressed is a sign of a larger problem. You not doing anything about it is a sign of a larger problem. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. Stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution. You can fix all of it, you can change your life for the better, but you have to get up and do it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You bf should be helping make sure you get some me time. You say he works a lot, and I understand that. But he gets to come home and get away from that. You are not getting that same relief. Between mental and physical exhaustion, and resentment from your partner not helping your work load and mental state, I can totally understand why you dont desire intimacy. HOWEVER. This is a sick dynamic you are proposing with him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am relieved too ....not for these reasons...but because I can't be intimate with a liar.

I'm happy to not be poked and prodded for his satisfaction. My body is mine now. End of story.


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

devastated3343 said:


> This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change.
> 
> Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido.
> 
> ...


No medications, I enjoy it for the most part during the actual act, it is after we are done when I don't enjoy. I'm not sure how to explain it. The next day, I feel bad about it, like I should't have done it. I think I even regret it. I am not sure where all this comes from. So in order to not have those negative feelings, I just avoid doing it.


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## RandomGirl (Jan 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> RandomGirl,
> 
> Your low/no sex drive can be caused by a few things. Two that come to mind is that he is not meeting your needs and/or hormonal imbalances.
> 
> ...


I think both of those could be issues. We don't go out on dates. We have never been alone since the oldest was born 3 years ago. We don't do any thing together ever. I know that has a lot to do with it. I am all about the kids and he is all about his business.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> No medications, I enjoy it for the most part during the actual act, it is after we are done when I don't enjoy. I'm not sure how to explain it. The next day, I feel bad about it, like I should't have done it. I think I even regret it. I am not sure where all this comes from. So in order to not have those negative feelings, I just avoid doing it.


Any history of abuse? Rape? Someone touch you when you were young?

History of alcoholic parents or substance abusers?

Where's daddy?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Relationship couseling???


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

RandomGirl said:


> I think both of those could be issues. We don't go out on dates. We have never been alone since the oldest was born 3 years ago. We don't do any thing together ever. I know that has a lot to do with it. I am all about the kids and he is all about his business.


How would propose doing this? You note that you are not comfortable leaving your kids with strangers. If you continue to adhere to that, things will not improve absent moving. Can you work on this? Find a babysitter you can trust? What about daycare or preschool for the oldest a couple of times a week in the mornings. What about a gym with child care where you can go work out for a hour? How about a mom's group to meet people and get some adult time away from your kids. Also, leave you bf with the kids for a couple of hours on one of the weekends. 

Think outside the box about way you can get some alone time not being a full time mom.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Jebus crispie RandomGirl, for a second there I panicked thinking you were my wife lol


:lol: I was thinking the exact same thing!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> No medications, I enjoy it for the most part during the actual act, it is after we are done when I don't enjoy. I'm not sure how to explain it. The next day, I feel bad about it, like I should't have done it. I think I even regret it. I am not sure where all this comes from. So in order to not have those negative feelings, I just avoid doing it.


I find this comment interesting. 

Myself (and I've heard of others feeling the same way) feel similar after masturbation. I attribute this to negative comments about it growing up. God forbid you ever admitted to your peers you did it. It was shameful. It's something you'd accuse someone you didn't like of doing. Knowing intellectually there is nothing wrong with it, in fact it's healthy, doesn't seem to eliminate the sense of shame.

Is it possible you grew up with similar beliefs about sex with a partner?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why are you having babies with a man you are not married to?

That speaks volumes about everyone's commitment to each other.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I suggest if you do not do this already that you seek out a parenting group. ( usually a group of SAHM ) 

You take yourself and your children. They interact with other kids and you can interact with the Moms/Dads for a bit. Gives you a bit of a break. 

This will serve two purposes. Community connections for your self and playmates for your 3 year old. Get out and meet some people. You may even be able to ask for babysitting recommendations. 

Explain to your SO that you would like to get out of the house occasionally to go for a walk for 1/2 to and hour when he returns from work. The fresh air and the break will do wonders. Either do this with him and the children or switch it up and go by yourself occasionally and let him do some parenting. 

I recommend going on these walks by yourself 2x a week. Saturday mornings is a good time to consider as well.


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## EuroAussie (Oct 14, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> I think both of those could be issues. We don't go out on dates. We have never been alone since the oldest was born 3 years ago. We don't do any thing together ever. I know that has a lot to do with it. I am all about the kids and he is all about his business.


Im certain you just hit the core of the problem. You both lost intimacy towards each other and fun time. You basically sort of became housemates as you actually dont do anything together.
The good thing is that this is an easy fix. You simply need to find time to spend time together. Get a babysitter asap.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

RandomGirl said:


> I know it is not fair to him, my focus is on the kids and not on him anymore. I told him I would be ok with him getting a girlfriend on the side.



You can't say this is entirely true...because if their father is a loving and kind parent, then the most important thing you can do for your children is to develop a loving and lasting bond with their father.

To not try to do so will affect their view on relationships, their view on trust, their view on the opposite gender for the rest of their life.

Do children of divorced parents make it out okay? Sure! Would they have been happier if the parents had managed to to have a lasting, loving relationship? Of course.

If you want to do right by your children, try working things out, pull out all the stops, no stone left unturned. If it still doesn't work, then so be it, move on.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

This site is Talk About Marriage, so most of us have taken that plunge, which if nothing else solemnizes a commitment of some sort (or should). Why have you not taken that step? I'm wondering whether there was any commitment to begin with. If not, then I'm not surprised things have deteriorated to their current state.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wouldn't assume that just because she shut down he's seeking satisfaction elsewhere. I was told no so much and for so long I shut down too. Just don't care. Like being in a wheelchair. He said to her "I'm done begging" because no one wants to feel like it's their job. And if it being your 'job' is all there is for both of you it's not worth it. But it might no longer be a significant factor in your relationship at all. He might be telling her the truth - e.g. "I don't care anymore either. Not going to cheat, not going to worry about it."


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

RandomGirl said:


> No medications, I enjoy it for the most part during the actual act, it is after we are done when I don't enjoy. I'm not sure how to explain it. The next day, I feel bad about it, like I should't have done it. I think I even regret it. I am not sure where all this comes from. So in order to not have those negative feelings, I just avoid doing it.


Your feelings are completely normal.
It stems from his lack of committment to you.


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## devastated3343 (May 16, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your feelings are completely normal.
> It stems from his lack of committment to you.


Really? Completely normal?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

devastated3343 said:


> Really? Completely normal?


When the connection between two people breaks down to the point that there is not really anything left between them... yes this is completely normal. It's especially normal for a women who often need to feel very emotionally close to someone to have sex with them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree EleGirl. I think this marriage is all but dead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your feelings are completely normal.
> It stems from his lack of committment to you.


I think there has been a failure of commitment on both sides. Mutual apathy is killing this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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