# Husband cheated after 25 years



## LindaMon (May 30, 2020)

I am struggling in marriage, my husband cheated on my 5 years ago, and I am still struggling with it. His drinking is causing a lot of issues between us and I try talking to him and it is like talking to a wall. These are my triggers. I am so tired of this and ready to leave. I feel he is not remorseful at all. Example 2 weeks after he cheated he tells his cousin I need to get over it and move on. He still tells me I need to get over it. He is so heartless and has no clue how done I am. We have 2 older kids and a business he runs out of our home. I am at the point either marriage counselling or I am done. Any advice would be helpful as I have no one to talk to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK, we are here for you @LindaMon.

How much is his drinking a problem? 

He seems insensitive. Is he always insensitive?

Does he have an excuse for being a cheater?

Was that his only affair? How did you find out about his cheating?


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## LindaMon (May 30, 2020)

He can't tell me why he cheated and as far as I know that was his only affair, he started drinking a lot more and going to bars, when I told him married me don't go to bars he told me he is allowed to have friends and left, not long after that he did not come home till 6:00 am so when he fell asleep I took his phone and downloaded deleted texts. This affair was going on for 2 months. He promised me to quit drinking when this happened and to this day it still continues. When he is not drinking we get along great but now every weekend we end up fighting because of it. Just fed up. I can't talk to him he does not listen and thinks I should be over his affair. Drinking is a trigger for me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I don't think MC is going to help -- HE needs to get his OWN counselor to figure out why he did this and CONTINUES to act like nothing happened. I don't think he WILL do that, but...
Nothing was resolved, he didn't do ANY work to earn the reconciliation, so.....


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## LindaMon (May 30, 2020)

Sadly I agree you are right even though he puts it on me saying I need to get over it. I have been with him for 27 years now and I don't know how to leave. My kids will be devastated, but I know deep down I am not happy. I tried to keep things together but feel so frustrated that he was the cheater and makes no effort in this at all. I feel like everything is a joke to him. He made no effort in keeping any of the promises he made to me that I believed in order to take him back, he never gave me room to breath when I first found out. I think if I would of had my space I never would of taken him back. Do we stay under the same roof and live separate lives? At least I know now it is not just me that it is him that needs work to do on himself, he really makes me feel like its nothing. Says its been 5 years now and to get over it when you just don't get over something like that. It was the most devastating thing I ever went through.


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## LindaMon (May 30, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I don't think MC is going to help -- HE needs to get his OWN counselor to figure out why he did this and CONTINUES to act like nothing happened. I don't think he WILL do that, but...
> Nothing was resolved, he didn't do ANY work to earn the reconciliation, so.....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LindaMon said:


> I am struggling in marriage, my husband cheated on my 5 years ago, and I am still struggling with it. His drinking is causing a lot of issues between us and I try talking to him and it is like talking to a wall. These are my triggers. I am so tired of this and ready to leave. I feel he is not remorseful at all. Example 2 weeks after he cheated he tells his cousin I need to get over it and move on. He still tells me I need to get over it. He is so heartless and has no clue how done I am. We have 2 older kids and a business he runs out of our home. I am at the point either marriage counselling or I am done. Any advice would be helpful as I have no one to talk to.


Um yeah, Leave his ass and don't look back.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

OK this is long, but I just want to validate what you are feeling--what he should be doing:

*SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS *

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can't be true. They don't believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don't want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can't seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: "Oh my God. It really happened." They feel they're getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It's as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they're buried beneath them. They don't know where to turn, or can't. Don't discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of "being irrational" or "acting crazy." Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They're disoriented. They can't think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can't remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain "triggers." (Note: Read more about "triggers" below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don't nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don't cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they're not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It's a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your "couplehood."

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to "get it all out." Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best "general use" tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you'll see many more references below. Read "Apologize" in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don't be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it's beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you're still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don't match the story you tell, they'll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you'll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, "Why did you do this?" They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can't stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question "Why?" over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it's all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a "revenge affair."

Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: "I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty' verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?"

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no "justice" that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read "Share your feelings of guilt and shame" in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn't give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don't ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They'll know if you aren't, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and "messed it up." Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven't found new ones yet and don't seem interested in finding any. They feel they're not coping with grief "right" or they feel they should be healing faster. They don't understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don't or can't fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they're doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don't be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don't be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that's really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It's actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they've worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: "One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger." The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: "On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain." The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they're caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you're sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse's waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don't ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be "over it" because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be "over it." They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

*SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS? *

Make certain you've killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don't deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don't delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you're making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a "moderate-term" review rather than "short-term." Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: "Apologize, apologize, apologize." You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated "insincerity radar." A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don't merely say, "I'm sorry." To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that's now salient to your partner: "I'm ashamed I cheated on you and I'm so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me." As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best "general use" tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It's agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can't help it: Just as they didn't choose for this to happen, they don't choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse's case), even if they don't understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they're greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they're 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of "covering your tracks" must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don't know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you'll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more "trust chits" you'll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the "reverse image" of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they're a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they'll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don't take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the "Passed the Test" column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don't be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They're likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don't expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don't be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what's called ‘Hysterical Bonding.' Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they'll wonder if you're truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it's really worth another try with you. But if you're like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You'll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It's a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn't seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, "If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?" (Most of us would answer, "No," even if we can't imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it's meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you've done and rebuild your marriage. You'll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE'S A GREAT TIP: You will find it's particularly meaningful to them when they're obviously feeling low, but they're locked in silence and aren't expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, "I just want you to know how grateful I am that you're giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I've been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I'll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again."

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they're delivered at such a perfect moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse's pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I've counseled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner's spirits – as well as their own.

*SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS? *

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won't be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they've been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband wants to rug sweep and move on. That’s not uncommon but it obviously won’t help you heal. Some can recover from an affair but some can’t — whether it’s five years or ten years or forever. Yes, ending a long marriage is very difficult but it can be done. And, no, adult children often don’t take the news any better than younger children do. The deal breaker for me would be the broken promise about drinking. I didn’t have that as a complicating factor in my marriage, thankfully, and I’m sorry that you do. 

If you stay, and he won’t do the work necessary to help you get beyond his affair, then you’ll need to create a fulfilling life for you. He’ll notice and he definitely may not like it and it will probably give him an excuse to do as he wishes and blame you. There are lots of people out there who are waiting for the natural end of their marriage and gambling they’ll be the survivor and also be healthy enough to enjoy their life after their spouse has gone. Sometimes that works but very often it doesn’t. 

You will have to decide whether you can deal with having a marriage in name only — and what that would look like — and what he’ll do in response to your decision. His life would likely involve sex with others. Would you want to do the same and have an open marriage? Would you want to continue to have sex with him, not knowing who he’s been with, but otherwise lead separate lives? Would you want to be celibate while knowing he isn’t?

He could decide to divorce you if you change things. Would you be okay with that (and whatever story he told your children and others to justify what he did)? Cheaters don’t like being the bad guy and they usually don’t hesitate to lie their way out to family and friends. That can cause a lot of stress, as some may believe him (especially his family), while you try to set the record straight. 

Lots to think about.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LindaMon said:


> I am struggling in marriage, my husband cheated on my 5 years ago, and I am still struggling with it. His drinking is causing a lot of issues between us and I try talking to him and it is like talking to a wall. These are my triggers. I am so tired of this and ready to leave. I feel he is not remorseful at all. Example 2 weeks after he cheated he tells his cousin I need to get over it and move on. He still tells me I need to get over it. He is so heartless and has no clue how done I am. We have 2 older kids and a business he runs out of our home. I am at the point either marriage counselling or I am done. Any advice would be helpful as I have no one to talk to.


Marriage counseling will not turn an alcoholic into a sober individual. And marriage counseling isn't going to magically fill him with remorse, either. It's been 5 years since he cheated (that you know of, anyway) and all he's EVER said is to shut up and get over it. What a prize. 

I honestly don't understand why you've stayed year after year after year with him when you saw exactly how low he'll sink when he cheated and lied, and how he sunk even lower because he DOESN'T give a rat's ass about your feelings or your pain at ALL..So why on earth would you stay with someone who has so damned little respect for you?

If you're done, then be DONE.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@LindaMon He needs counselling to make himself a better person. After he has worked on himself, then perhaps you can both work on the marriage. If that's what* you* want? Because now it's up to you, you are in the driving seat, he cheated, you didn't, he has to do the heavy lifting.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You should add another section called DIVORCE AND FREEDOM.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Sounds like he is in denial. He drinks to suppress his emotions. Alcohol is a depressant. Twice things AA or IC. He has to hit rock bottom to get off his butt to do something. D papers may be that. Risk loosing you and your children. You just can’t rug sweep 🧹 infidelity or alcohol addiction. 
mine day at a time
Buffer


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@LindaMon , this is heartbreaking, if he had been treating you right in the last 5 years it might have helped you heal. However, because he has tried to rug sweep everything and dismiss you in the process, it makes the affair even worse. If he is drinking and coming home at all hours then there is a possibility he has done it more than once. The fact is he can because you are stll there and available, why should he change his behaviour. I suggest you get yourself to Alanon, that will help with disengaging. Then see a lawyer to find out what your status is. if he is still drinking there is no guarantee 10 years from now he will be worse. Your kids probably already know what is going on or guessed. Do the 180 on him, stop doing things for him, stop being available, stop cooking, cleaning for him, etc. Start to live a life independent of him, see your friends, go away on holidays, etc. Show him that you do not need him.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I think counseling is a good option, whether individual or marriage. He should see one for sure, but maybe you can too, just to see why you are continuing to accept his behavior. If he's not willing to acknowledge that he did something wrong, I am doubtful he'll want to try counseling. And if it's not something you can get past (and I understand that), maybe it's time to go, if you can financially. If you're not financially independent, try to get a job until you are able to be independent, or ask a trusted family member for help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like he’s in IDGAF mode, as usual. I can’t tell you what to do, but one thing is for sure, when the switch finally flips and you don’t have any feelings for him anymore.......
He will regret it. A loyal, good woman.... very hard to find.... he very likely won’t find another.
Very sorry your husband doesn’t know or are about what he has done. 
I’d he ever does care, it will likely be too late...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like he’s in IDGAF mode, as usual. I can’t tell you what to do, but one thing is for sure, when the switch finally flips and you don’t have any feelings for him anymore.......
> He will regret it. A loyal, good woman.... very hard to find.... he very likely won’t find another.
> Very sorry your husband doesn’t know or are about what he has done.
> I’d he ever does care, it will likely be too late...


Alcoholics usually love the bottle first, they are not capable of a deep genuine emotional intimacy. Their intimacy is with the bottle. The OP needs to disengage for her own emotional and mental health. I have been in this scenario. For years I fought and cried for him to stop, he did and started and stopped, it was an emotional roller coaster. He is far better now, genuinely tried to knuckle down, home early, etc. I chose to stay cause of financial reasons mainly, to keep our family together and the country I live in. i know I made the right choice. I took my life back and now he is trying to pull out all the stops, I can tell you that a part of my heart for him has died. I don't love him the way I used to, I care for him. When it is gone it is gone. He has commented on this but I cannot pretend. We get on well, we even go out together, etc. But I will never let my guard down with him ever again. I would be hurt if he cheated on me or had an affair but I would survive and move on. I have learnt so many lessons. Never give yourself wholly to any partner and make your own life, only you can make yourself happy. Only you.


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