# I hate my wife's extended family and its making me resent her..



## Fleeting (Oct 10, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 2. I love her to death as she is a wonderful person. We are generally very happy all for one thing. Her family. I am not talking about her brother or her mother, I get along with them just fine. I am talking about her extended family. 

History: When we were dating she moved out of her mother's apartment and got her own. In the 2 years that she lived on her own she had one cousin live with her, then another, then a pair of twins, her younger brother and his 3 kids, and then another cousin. It got to a point where I really didn't want to be there anymore because I realized they were a bunch of freeloaders. I obviously did not say nothing because it was not my place as she was paying for the rent.

Our relationship progressed and we ended up moving in together when I got a good job in another city. We ended up getting a 1 bedroom apartment while she was going to school and I was supporting her. Well, she started bringing her cousins around again. She would also bring over her 3 young nephews from her brother who had passed away and their mother is a total freaking deadbeat. 

I started feeling like a prisoner in my own place. here were her cousins and 3 young nephews running around and screaming in my place. Here was my then girlfriend going along like nothing. Every time her cousins and nephews would come over or when she hinted that they would come over I would just cringe. I hated it and would just lock myself in our bedroom while they had a run of the place. 

Fast forward 2 years later I propose to her and we end up getting married. Generally my marriage is fine and we get along very well. I ended working my ass off and now have a 4 bedroom 3 bath home in a nice area. 

Again the extended family:

Example 1: There are a set of twins. Well one ends up living with my brother in law and as per their agreement she would help babysit their children and go to school in exchange for free housing and everything else. 

She started going to school but ended up screwing off and quitting. She started staying out late with friends and shirking her duties that she agreed upon. When she was called out on her stuff she ended up wanting to move out because she could not deal with the rules. 

She goes crying to my wife who in turns asks me if she could live at our home. I immediately said no due to the fact that she had other family members and resources. That caused a slight strain in our marriage. 

Example 2: The other twin ends up getting married the day she turned 18 and ends up with an idiot that treats her like crap. Not my fault. They separate for a while and what does she do? Go crying to my wife who in turn asks me if the cousin and her daughter can live with us. I once again told her no and informed her that just because we have 3 other bedrooms does not mean that they should be filled up with her family members.

This also caused a slight strain on our marriage and made me resent her for a while. She realized it and it ceased for a while.

Example 3: Another one of her cousins request to live with us while they are going to school. I also said no to this. She asked anyways when we had a long long talk about how no one would live with us besides immediate family members who are in need. 

Example 4: Her 3 nephews. I hate these kids. With all of my being I despise these kids. It has made me not want children of my own. My wife has decided to bring them around one weekend out of the month. By the time they leave my place is trashed, they eat all of my food, and utterly disrespect my things. My wife can barely control them and I hate being around them. 

A few times while they were running around screaming and fighting I snapped at them. I don't usually do that. To anyone. They bring that out in me. She has even suggested that we adopt one of them at one point to give at least one of them "a chance" I commended her for wishing the best for them but told her that there was no way in hell that it would ever happen. 

I have suggested that when she brings them over for a weekend, I would leave for the weekend to go see my friends whom I moved away from when we got married. She was greatly offended by this. I told her that I did not feel comfortable around her young nephews and felt that it would be better if I just left for the weekend rather than just spending all of my time in our bedroom while these little hellions took over our home. 

There have been so many other examples of family members (her family members) wanting to move in with us. I don't know what it is. My family have always been fiercely independent and would never ask to live with me. My immediate family and extended family combined. I have explained this to her. 

Her family however always asks and it drives me insane. ALL OF OUR FIGHTS AND DISAGREEMENTS stem from his issue. We have had numerous talks about this but she continues to do it. Her mother now wants to live with us. She has it great at her brother's home. She has a full granny unit where she has her own living space, 2 bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom. My wife insists that she wants her mother to live with us. I don't care if she visits but living with us?? Come on!!

Is it a cultural thing? My wife is hispanic and I am asian. I guess it may be but I am coming to my wits end. Those children are coming over again this weekend. That is 2 weekends in a one month period. I am so sick of it I want to scream. Every time she mentions them I literally cringe and she sees it and becomes angry with me.

I used to want children and now after seeing her nephews and nieces in action, I now think to myself that I no longer want children. It has left a very bad taste in my mouth dealing with her family members extended or otherwise. I feel sometimes just asking her is she wants to just get a divorce so she could just go get her own place and live with her mother and adopt all three of her nephews and have everyone else live with her. 

I find myself wandering sometimes and doubt our marriage. I really don't want to feel like this but I do. Whenever she asks about children now I cringe. I think to myself how I should say I would leave for a business trip and just get a vasectomy and be done with it. 

I really don't know how to deal with these feelings that I have. She is a kind and caring person but I just cannot deal with her extended family and most notably her young nephews. Again, all of our disagreements stem from her family and me now not wanting to have children. 

Opinions please? Am I being unreasonable?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Fleeting said:


> Is it a cultural thing?


Possibly. But even if it IS, it's not going to change any time soon...

*I think to myself how I should say I would leave for a business trip and just get a vasectomy and be done with it.* 

This would be a mistake, and could cause her to want a divorce. Is that what you want?



> I really don't know how to deal with these feelings that I have.


This is obvious. While you may be getting _your_ way NOW, you're doing so at your wife's expense. Not exactly a good set-up for a lifetime of marital bliss. 

Whether it's cultural or a lack of maturity on both parts, some counseling for BOTH of you may be in order. You seem to have a certain idea of how people "should" and "should not" behave. Meanwhile, your wife might have different ideas. It's not that she's necessarily "wrong" and you're "right"; it's just _different_. But it may be too different for both of you to tolerate for a lifetime. 

Vega


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Yes, it is a cultural thing. But she was open minded enough to date and marry you (a non-hispanic). She can also be open minded to understand your point of view and try to change things. She just needs to be a bit more sensitive and realize how uncomfortable and how unfair it is to you. 

Your wife is used to that kind of relationships, it doesn't bug her all that much. I am not hispanic from Latin America, but I am from a Latin country. I have an idea of what family relations you are talking about and I feel your pain.... Many latin women are too generous for others and actually expected to be everybody's "mother". It comes naturally to your wife, it will take some effort to make her take a more independent lifestyle.

Did you try to take her away for the weekend, for example? Or find common activities that will keep you both busy and together, so that she sort of finds life outside her extended family? 

Regarding your own kids, hopefully you will change your mind once the problems with the brats is solved. It seems it's just caused by all the stress, not something natural in you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes, it is a cultural thing. In my experience growing up in AZ on the Mexican border with a lot of hispanics, the extended families are sharing everything. It's almost like they live communally, with the whole extended family in one house. Any money made is considered communal. Your wife's extended family sees that she married a successful guy and has a nice house, and the assumption is that the whole family should benefit from that. This issue is unlikely to change, and if you let anyone move in it's going to be hard to get them out. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You knew this about your wife before you married her, yet chose to overlook it in the hopes that she would change. From what I understand, the latin culture is very family orientated. You will continue to run into this issue over and over again.

I agree you may want to consider going to counseling to see if you both can really express how you feel about these things. Perhaps you all can reach a compromise that will make both of you happy. 

As for the kids running around the house, it is your home too. You are allowed to have rules for visiting guests, even family. When my kids bring their friends over, they follow the house rules, not just run wild. Set some boundaries with consequences.


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## Fleeting (Oct 10, 2013)

LVF said:


> Did you try to take her away for the weekend, for example? Or find common activities that will keep you both busy and together, so that she sort of finds life outside her extended family?
> 
> Regarding your own kids, hopefully you will change your mind once the problems with the brats is solved. It seems it's just caused by all the stress, not something natural in you.


We go on many trips. We have friends over. We throw holiday parties. She goes on weekend get-aways with her friends whenever she wants and I don't even flinch. We had just got back from Spain a month ago and it was a dream trip of her's that I made happen. 

I encourage her to spend tome with her mother during the 6 months out of the year I work nights. When I work days we spend a lot of time together and go on micro-trips all over.

When things are going good it all comes to a screeching halt when she mentions having people over or someone potentially moving in with us. 

I told her before we got married, we had a longggggg conversation about this that no one was moving in with us. If her mother or brother were borderline HOMELESS then yes, we would take them in. 

When her father had a traumatic injury (father and mother are divorced) and was recovering, I took him into my 1 bedroom apartment. I have made a lot of concessions to her. 

I really don't understand why she just can't pick up her nephews for THE DAY, take them out to eat or to a park, and drop them back off. 

Talk about cultural. These kids wipe their asses and toss the dirty toilet paper in the trash can. No matter how many times I tell my wife to tell them just to put it in the toilet they continue to do it. It drives me insane!

I think it will come to a head with my wife and I regarding this issue of her family. It is only a matter of time. 



lifeistooshort said:


> Yes, it is a cultural thing. In my experience growing up in AZ on the Mexican border with a lot of hispanics, the extended families are sharing everything. It's almost like they live communally, with the whole extended family in one house. Any money made is considered communal. Your wife's extended family sees that she married a successful guy and has a nice house, and the assumption is that the whole family should benefit from that. This issue is unlikely to change, and if you let anyone move in it's going to be hard to get them out. Sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea, I realize its cultural now. Looking back at what I wrote last night I was pretty wasted haha. I guess it was kind of a release for me. As I mentioned before we have had many talks regarding this. I guess we just have to have another "talk". 



C3156 said:


> You knew this about your wife before you married her, yet chose to overlook it in the hopes that she would change. From what I understand, the latin culture is very family orientated. You will continue to run into this issue over and over again.
> 
> I agree you may want to consider going to counseling to see if you both can really express how you feel about these things. Perhaps you all can reach a compromise that will make both of you happy.
> 
> As for the kids running around the house, it is your home too. You are allowed to have rules for visiting guests, even family. When my kids bring their friends over, they follow the house rules, not just run wild. Set some boundaries with consequences.


It will come to a head with her and I. We usually are good about working out our issues. Of the 7 years we have been together I have not raised my voice to her once. We deal with problems in 3 stages.

1) Silent anger
2) Taking a break, by either walking out of the room or not speaking with each other
3) Sitting down and working out what was bothering us at the time and working out a solution. 

I have not been able to tackle this family issue. No matter how I have tried to go after it. I guess it may take sometime of blow out to finally make her realize my true feelings regarding this issue. 

As for the children.. heh... no matter how many times I try to set rules for them they never follow it and she never enforces them. Example: I spent 45k dollars to remodel our front yard and it is actually quite nice, I can be outside watering the grass and people would always stop and compliment me on it. 

These kids would pick up the rocks and throw them at each other. I would come home and find different colored rocks in different areas. Rocks would be all over the pathway etc. 

They are rowdy, undisciplined, and rude. I know, kids are kids but these 3 little spawns take it to a whole 'nother level. I have nephews myself and even though they are a little rowdy they usually follow the rules and cease and desist upon request.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Does your wife know how upset you are about it?
Maybe she knows it bothers you, but she doesn't seem to be aware of how badly it affect you and your relationship. Even if you are slightly more dramatic and too confident when you tell her what you think, it is better to do it now then when it's too late, i.e., when you resent so much that you associate her with her extended family and just want to leave. 
She loves you. She might be shocked or even offended in the beginning, but I think eventually it will sink. Your current strategy is not working, then you have to be more dramatic. It's the EXTENDED family, not the core, c'mon...


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## Fleeting (Oct 10, 2013)

LVF said:


> Does your wife know how upset you are about it?
> Maybe she knows it bothers you, but she doesn't seem to be aware of how badly it affect you and your relationship. Even if you are slightly more dramatic and too confident when you tell her what you think, it is better to do it now then when it's too late, i.e., when you resent so much that you associate her with her extended family and just want to leave.
> She loves you. She might be shocked or even offended in the beginning, but I think eventually it will sink. Your current strategy is not working, then you have to be more dramatic. It's the EXTENDED family, not the core, c'mon...


I may have to come at this issue at a different angle like you have mentioned. 

Its funny with her extended family. When she was young her cousin lived with her and had 3 kids of her own due to a divorce. My wife helped raise these kids (all the kids I mentioned in my 1st post). I guess she feels she is like a mother figure to them.

I think at one point she had like 2-3 different families living in the same house. Cultural I guess. I can understand that she wants to be around her family and that is why she is free to see them whenever she pleases or has them over for a weekend.. but not for "extended stays" or our home being a leaping point for something that "might" happen... I told my wife that our home is not a motel for her family..

We had this conversation so many times. I told her that we are just starting out as a married couple and it wasn't fair to our marriage that she should start offering up our home to her family members or entertaining the ones that ask to live with us. 

We do need a long, long talk.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

There are 3 things I noticed in your other posts. The first is how you keep referring to where you live as *your* house. I understand that you work, and I read that you were supporting your wife for a while she went to school. But I also noticed before that, she was supporting herself in her own apartment, and I'm wondering if she works now. 

The second thing I noticed is that you mentioned that you may have to have *another* talk with her about the situation. It's obvious that the kind of talks you're having aren't working. That tells me that what you're saying and how you're saying it has been ineffective. Seems like it might be time for a new strategy...

Having written that last sentence, I'm wondering if you have been more concerned with your own happiness and placing your wife's happiness as _secondary_. She obviously likes being around her extended family, and it seems that you don't really want to be around ANY of them, except for her mother and brother. 

You both share the house. It shouldn't be a matter of "your house, your rules". If you have that attitude, she may be resenting that. I'm hoping that you don't have that attitude and that you won't use it to get your way. 

This is an issue where you BOTH need to be honest and you BOTH need to be heard, without thinking that either one of you is "stupid" etc. If this is a cultural thing, then her acceptance of more of a communal lifestyle is _just as legitimate _as your own. Personally, I can see the pro's and cons of each. 

I still say that counseling is best for your both. At best, you'll each learn how to communicate more effectively, and perhaps *you* will learn to be a little more tolerant of her family. She in turn, may learn how to be more sensitive to your desire for more peaceful living. OR...you both may come to realize that your desired lifestyles are on opposite ends of the spectrum and are incompatible for you both to be happy. 

What do you think?

Vega


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Fleeting said:


> Fast forward 2 years later I propose to her and we end up getting married. Generally my marriage is fine and we get along very well. I ended working my ass off and now have a 4 bedroom 3 bath home in a nice area.
> 
> .......
> There have been so many other examples of family members (her family members) wanting to move in with us. I don't know what it is.



I'll tell you what it is. It's because you have a FOUR BEDROOM home! Why did you get such a large place when it's only you and your wife, and you have no kids? That's just a HUGE invitation for other people to stay over. 




> _Talk about cultural. These kids wipe their asses and toss the dirty toilet paper in the trash can. No matter how many times I tell my wife to tell them just to put it in the toilet they continue to do it. It drives me insane!_


OK, that is flat-out disgusting. That's common in the Arab world, where plumbing isn't designed for toilet paper, but in the West, there is no excuse. 

How old are these kids? I feel bad they aren't getting any real parenting, which is probably why they are so badly behaved. Maybe you make an agreement with your wife that you can discipline them if they come over. For example, rent a porta-potty and tell them if they can't use the bathroom properly, they will use the facilities outside. Put a lock on the kitchen or the refrigerator and enforce it. 

Or better yet, your or your wife take them out and go bicycling or play basketball with them or something, to give them a better outlet for their energy instead of running all around the house.


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## Fleeting (Oct 10, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I'll tell you what it is. It's because you have a FOUR BEDROOM home! Why did you get such a large place when it's only you and your wife, and you have no kids? That's just a HUGE invitation for other people to stay over.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I bought the 4 bedroom 3 bathroom home because well, I got an amazing deal for it. Great neighborhood and a 10 min walk to the beach. Also, one of those rooms is my "man cave" where I keep all my hobby stuff and weapons. That room is usually sealed up from everyone and my wife has no desire to go in there since most women think men's cool stuff is "stupid". The other room is her hobby room where she does her arts and crafts, painting, etc.The bedroom downstairs is our guest bedroom. 

Yea, these kids crap all over the toilet seat and pee on the ground. Even my 1 year old Corgi is cleaner than them. Age wise? They are 8,9,10... yea... her brother and his baby's momma had them at 17,18,19. These children live with their aunt now since the mother is a total pothead loser who would rather shack up with random guys than take care of her own children. The aunt keeps them on lockdown but when they are here they try and get away with stuff all the time. 

I'm not going to discipline them. It is not my place. Plus, I don't want to be around them and have one of them saying "He hit me" or "he touched me".. As you can see if those allegations are made I could be marched out of our home in handcuffs. Those allegations would tarnish me forever. They made those claims against one of their mother's boyfriends and after investigation found out that they were lying. I do not want that happening to me that is why I told my wife that I never want to be around them unless she is there. 



Vega said:


> There are 3 things I noticed in your other posts. The first is how you keep referring to where you live as *your* house. I understand that you work, and I read that you were supporting your wife for a while she went to school. But I also noticed before that, she was supporting herself in her own apartment, and I'm wondering if she works now.
> 
> The second thing I noticed is that you mentioned that you may have to have *another* talk with her about the situation. It's obvious that the kind of talks you're having aren't working. That tells me that what you're saying and how you're saying it has been ineffective. Seems like it might be time for a new strategy...
> 
> ...


You bring up very good points. Don't get me wrong. I like her family besides a very select few. I enjoy being around them and we have fun. I guess it just boils down to one thing. I don't want any of them living with us. We will, at one point, come to a head about this.

I have said before I respect her for loving her family and like I said before I would never make her choose me over them. I guess for some reason she feels responsible for these people when they have other resources to turn to yet they always turn to her because she is a "softie"...she often uses me as the "bad guy" when she has to say no to them. 

To answer your question she does work now. I supported her dream of doing something else other than a secretary. I worked extreme overtime hours and often lived at work for 2-3 days at a time to make ends meet while she was going to school. Now she is responsible for the utilities and purchasing of food and supplies for the home while I pay the mortgage and insurances to the vehicles. I know she is helping her mother out with money which doesn't bother me.. come on.. its her mother. 

Her happiness always comes first. I have sacrificed so much for her and she knows it and often mentions it when she speaks to her family about our relationship. They respect me for not treating her like an "old school mexican man would" ie making her cook (which I do), Clean (which I do), go make money and bring it home to me (which I don't make her do), and plus to top it all off I give her complete and utter freedom to go wherever she wants without me having a hint of jealousy towards her. I do everything to make her happy but she also has to realize that what she does sometimes in the form of catering to these people is making me unhappy..

We have a good life and a good relationship. I'm just sick of her nephews and the random freeloading extended family member...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Fleeting said:


> I guess it just boils down to one thing. I don't want any of them living with us. We will, at one point, come to a head about this.


You don't have to wait until you "come to head" about this subject. In fact, it may be better if you approach it BEFORE things get ugly. 



> I guess for some reason she feels responsible for these people when they have other resources to turn to yet they always turn to her because she is a "softie"...*she often uses me as the "bad guy" when she has to say no to them*.


This is NOT cool. The two of you REALLY need to get on the same page about this stuff, otherwise it's going to drive a wedge between you so deep, it'll make the Grand Canyon look like a shallow grave...



> To answer your question she does work now. I supported her dream of doing something else other than a secretary. I worked extreme overtime hours and often lived at work for 2-3 days at a time to make ends meet while she was going to school. Now she is responsible for the utilities and purchasing of food and supplies for the home while I pay the mortgage and insurances to the vehicles. I know she is helping her mother out with money which doesn't bother me.. come on.. its her mother.


The reason I asked about this is because you seem to keep making references to *my* house and *my* food instead of *OUR* house and *OUR* food. If your wife didn't contribute as much financially, then you might feel like whatever property is owned between you is REALLY *yours*. But in your case, your wife DOES contribute to the house. 



> I do everything to make her happy but she also has to realize that what she does sometimes in the form of catering to these people is making me unhappy..


Yes, it does seem that you need to get come to an agreement that you can BOTH be happy with. I can understand that you wouldn't want a family member(s) to live with you, but it also seems like you're against the family members coming over to just _visit_! 

Your wife needs to grow a backbone. If the kids really ARE peeing on the toilet instead of in it, then SHE needs to say something if it's HER family who's doing this. It might mean that you both have to agree that if you see something that's 'out of place', that you'll immediately bring it up to your wife, and that your wife is to immediately bring it up to the responsible party. If she refuses to do this, then you will have 'free reign' to either bring it up to the responsible person YOURSELF, OR to send everyone home. 

There are ways to work through this, OP. I'm just tossing out a few suggestions...

Vega


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## Fleeting (Oct 10, 2013)

Vega said:


> You don't have to wait until you "come to head" about this subject. In fact, it may be better if you approach it BEFORE things get ugly.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I guess I am using the MY reference more as I am talking to others. I do know that everything we have is *ours*. As far as her family visiting? I don't really care if they come and LEAVE. A visit for me is coming over for a night or so and leaving to their respective homes NOT a visit where they stay for whole weeks at a time.

That is what I am more tired of. How they love to stay for extended periods of time. As I type this my wife is going to get off of work and pick up those 3 hellions to stay with us for the weekend. Thu-Sun.. She took Friday off of work when she has no COMP time, VAC time, or PTO time from work. This weekend will be interesting for sure... 

Thanks for the suggestions Vega... seriously... I have turned to so many people and there have been other things that have happened as well that I am not mentioning. Its just kind of frustrating for me and we will have to work this out somehow...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's one thing when these three kids come over and stay. Nothing wrong with that, but when they totally disrespect the mans house is another. You shouldn't have to be holed up in your man cave for the day because these kids have no manners or misbehave.

That's the thing that you have to explain to your wife. When she lets the kids trash the house and does nothing about it, she needs to be told. He should ask his wife if its acceptable to have dirty toilet paper thrown in the waste basket or crap on the toilet seat.

Basically it's not his responsibility to support and house people that aren't willing to improve themselves.

I had a four bedroom house when I lived out west. I invited my sister, her daughter and my sisters granddaughter to live there. These are some real unorthodox people who have nothing going for themselves and have nothing because of laziness. I had rules of the house. 
One. No smoking in the house. Want to smoke. There's a huge porch with a roof that you can use. One night I smell smoke and told my niece that she has to smoke outside. Happened again and I told her that once more and she can live in the park across the street.

Then my sisters other grand children want to move in and when I find out about it, I let them know that this is not a motel or a flop house and it ain't happening. I caught a bunch of flack and told them all except for the grand child that if they weren't happy with the house, they could pack up and leave any time they wanted. I wouldn't let anyone trash my home or disrespect it. Plain and simple. I paid good money for it and there was no way I would accept them disrespecting me or my home. 

Granted it's your wife's home too but she has to know that people have to start helping themselves rather than sucking another person dry.


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