# Feeling trapped



## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry new to this forum so really just needed someone to vent to. Anyways will give the rundown of my relationship. 

I've been engaged for a year now and been dating 9 yrs prior to. My fiancé is 26 and I'm 30. We started dating in Kansas before moving across the country for school and work. Since then we have been living together for 7 years now. 

Anyways, our sex lives started out great for first yr or 2 then began to decline from there which I kinda figured just does. Was only like once a week for another 3 yrs then declined more to 1-2 a month. I was pretty much begging for sex to point I felt pathetic and that I was annoying her which she said I was. Through this time I felt like she was putting out no effort at all. Eventually came down to once a month when she would say we better have sex before I get my period but that doesn't even happen anymore. Within last year it got even worse being maybe 5 times. I've expressed desire for more sex and we've talked about it without change. Within last 6 months I've basically told her I've accepted we have a crappy sex life which obviously upsets her to that I think that but still no change in effort from her. 

While I expected sex to decline with time, I feel like this is rediculous especially since we aren't even married yet. It really irritates me even more when I feel like I'm being eye [email protected] all the time by people at work, on the train, and even her damn friends, but fiancé could care less about having sex. Aside from the no sex we get along great 

Here's the reason I feel trapped. We actually work together at a hospital where she's a secretary and I'm a resident physician. Everybody knows us and thinks its so great we moved out here together blah blah blah. She never supported me financially through medschool or anything and we actually first moved out east for her, so its not like ive been using her. If anything I've been taking care of her. From things shes said i think deep dowb she doesnt want to get married either with unresolved issues. Is a sh!tty sex life a reason not to get married? Either way i just feel trapped into going through with the marriage cuz we've had so much history together and if we did split everyone I know (including her parents) will blame me like I'm some horrible doctor that just used her, when really nobody understands our underlying issues but us. Ok I'm done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Yes it is a reason not to get married. I don't understand why people think that sex is just some trivial thing and shouldn't factor into a decision to get married.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Yes - it it a reason not to get married. Read lots of messages on this forum and you'll see, without a doubt, how important sex and intimacy are to a marriage. The lack of sex is the downfall of lots of marriages, the reason for cheating, and the reason for lots of resentment and unhappiness.

This issue is not trivial at all. Thank god you are not married. It's good that you have dated. Now you know. That's what dating is for. Although it may concern you what friends, family, colleagues may think, it doesn't warrant an iota of consideration when deciding whether to stay with your fiance or leave.

This is a HUGE RED FLAG. Do not ignore it and I would be skeptical if you express your concern and thoughts of leaving to your fiance and she increases her sex drive, because it would probably be just to snare you.

ALthough you've spent a lot of time dating, sexual incompatibility is a MAJOR issue that will plague you/sadden/frustrate you for the rest of your married lives and I believe a reason to split up.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

youngidiot said:


> Here's the reason I feel trapped. We actually work together at a hospital where she's a secretary and I'm a resident physician. Everybody knows us and thinks its so great we moved out here together blah blah blah. She never supported me financially through medschool or anything and we actually first moved out east for her, so its not like ive been using her. If anything I've been taking care of her. From things shes said i think deep dowb she doesnt want to get married either with unresolved issues. Is a sh!tty sex life a reason not to get married? Either way i just feel trapped into going through with the marriage cuz we've had so much history together and if we did split everyone I know (including her parents) will blame me like I'm some horrible doctor that just used her, when really nobody understands our underlying issues but us. Ok I'm done!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel the need to add to my original post.

Lack of sex/sexual compatibility is definately a reason not to get married. Do you want to live your entire life like this?

Additionally, you feel like she isn't wanting to marry you. Another great reason not to get married. Why would you want to marry someone who you think doesn't want to marry you?

On another note, it sounds like you have made a lot more sacrifices for her than she has for you. Maybe you lost your 'alpha-male' attractiveness to her?

As someone who went through a divorce, yeah, you do care what your family, friends, etc. think of your seperation. In fact, it played into why I married my ex-wife in the first place, the fear of what people would say if I split with her. Having gone through the big D, I can tell you that it's not as bad as you think. Some friends will go, some will stay, your family may need time to readjust, her parents may hate your guts. In the end, the friends who left weren't really friends in the end anyways, as real friends don't take sides, what her parents think doesn't matter because in a few months they will likely be out of your life for good anyways, and you'll be free to find what makes you happy.

And hopefully you don't need this pointed out to you, but in case you do, based on what you have posted here you have a great angle on finding someone to make you happy. You are 30, not divorced, have showed that you are more than capable of being in a long-term relationship and loyal beyond all expectations, and are good looking.

Oh yeah, and you're a general physician. Yeah, I think you'll do just fine finding someone who'll want to bounce on your pogo stick more than once every few months.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

People will think whatever it is they're going to think. Who cares? Once you move on with your life it's not like you'll be hanging out with her family anyway. And yes, a bad sex life is a great reason to not get married. It's not like it will get better with marriage. Most people report that it either stays the same or drops off. You only get one life, so why waste it with someone who's just not that into you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, lack of sex is a good reason to not get married. Her attitude can be looked at as a form of emotional abuse.

You need to have a serious talk with her about this. She needs to do what is necessary to increase her libido. If she won't do that, then she's not marriage material.

Is she is birth control pills? They can decrease a woman's libido.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take look at the books linked to in my signature block below for buidling a passionate marriage. Both of you should read at least "His Needs, Her Needs". It will help you rebuild your relationship and address your issues. Further, it explain to women that sex is usually a man's top emotional need. Your wife needs to hear this from someone other than you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay. You are not getting you lollipop used enough for your emotional needs. That is one red flag.

You feel SHE also feels trapped in the marriage. While she may have horrible taste, she just might not be that into you. That is a second red flag.

When you TRIED TO TALK ABOUT THE PROBLEM, she pooh poohed you concerns and needs.

BIG RED FLAG

What other problems in the relationship is she going to dismiss?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your not trapped by some employees in a hospital.

Here's trapped (marriage and kids):
-- You have children you love and cannot live with them any more
-- You have to give your wife $1M worth of marital assets and to do so you have to sell your house and live in an apartment
-- You know if you get a divorce you will devestate your children and many others
-- You know if you get a divorce you have to pay spousal support for 30 years (1/2 of your salary as a Dr).

You would be seriously insane if you marry her. You will cheat and lose everything if you marry her. Or she will cheat and betray you in the worst way possible. She is 26 years old. She has sexual needs. She just cannot get them met by you. She can't hold out for 50 more years. You will find out the hard way that she cannot be non sexual for life... Biologically impossible.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

youngidiot said:


> Is a sh!tty sex life a reason not to get married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are darned right it is. I wish more people realized this. If you are not on the same page sexually then you are resigning yourself to a life of misery. Just do some reading around here about sexless marriages!!

I highly doubt that everything else about your relationship is hunky dory either. If it was, your sex life wouldn't be in the dumps. Be honest with yourself, and your fiance. Have a heart to heart and ask her to be honest. You may be surprised at what you discover.

And if you still decide to go ahead and get married despite this, just because of what everyone will 'think', then know that we'll be here for you over the years as you post about your misery. We'll keep telling you the same things too, as your life unfolds - don't get married, don't have kids, don't stay for the kids, don't cheat, don't put up with her cheating, don't settle, don't stay with her just because you've been married for 25 years, no separate vacations are not healthy, yes it's ok to masturbate when your wife won't put out, no it isn't ok to substitute masturbation for a healthy sex life, and no it isn't normal to just have sex once every 2 years.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

For the love of God man, do not marry this woman!

The two of you are polar opposites in the sex drive department! This will NOT get better with marriage OR kids


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Don't do it. You are not trapped now but you will be if you marry her.

Think of it as though you are both sexual people who are just not connecting. Take a problem solving approach and ask why. Here's one reason:



> I was pretty much begging for sex to point I felt pathetic and that I was annoying her which she said I was.


This is the fastest way a man can cause her to lose attraction to him.

Here's strike 2:



> I've accepted we have a crappy sex life which obviously upsets her to that I think that but still no change in effort from her.


You want sex, she does not. She is responsible for creating the "limited sex" dynamic in your relationship. You will accept it and that's a fist pump for her although she feigns being upset.

Put yourself first, ahead of couple interests and think about YOUR needs. If this is not what you want, don't accept it and find exactly what you want. She is not having sex with you because she is not particularly attracted to you. This will not change without considerable effort. 

I wish someone had told me this 27 years ago...and yes, I am trapped...for another year anyway.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

youngidiot said:


> We started dating in Kansas before moving across the country for school and work. Since then we have been living together for 7 years now.
> 
> * * * * * * *
> 
> ...


First, yes, it's a reason not to get married.

Second, I don't know where you live, but I'd advise you to consult with a lawyer (on your own) before making any decisions. You say she didn't support you in med school, but she may say otherwise. Depending on your state of residence, you might find that the law considers you to be in a common law marriage. And the situation at work is a classic fact situation for claims of sexual harassment. You should do what is necessary to minimize your risks should you decide to end the relationship.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> First, yes, it's a reason not to get married.
> 
> Second, I don't know where you live, but I'd advise you to consult with a lawyer (on your own) before making any decisions. You say she didn't support you in med school, but she may say otherwise. Depending on your state of residence, you might find that the law considers you to be in a common law marriage. And the situation at work is a classic fact situation for claims of sexual harassment. You should do what is necessary to minimize your risks should you decide to end the relationship.


This is good advice

However, I think that if she has any claims to persue about support from you, I would gladly pay to avoid a life-long commitment to this woman who completely dismisses your needs.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> First, yes, it's a reason not to get married.
> 
> Second, I don't know where you live, but I'd advise you to consult with a lawyer (on your own) before making any decisions. You say she didn't support you in med school, but she may say otherwise. Depending on your state of residence, you might find that the law considers you to be in a common law marriage. And the situation at work is a classic fact situation for claims of sexual harassment. You should do what is necessary to minimize your risks should you decide to end the relationship.


:iagree:

Always consult a lawyer, even if you don't leave. get your ducks in a row before you walk out, or even before you decide to walk out.

Also, set some cash aside for you as an emergency fund for a new place to live, new clothes, lawyer fees, etc. If you share a vehcile, set aside cab fare money, or money for a new vehicle. Think out everything and plan accordingly. There's nothing wrong with this and if you decide to stay, you can always put the money back. If you handle the finances, she doesn't even have to know you did any of this.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

IslandGirl3 said:


> This issue is not trivial at all. Thank god you are not married. It's good that you have dated. Now you know. That's what dating is for. Although it may concern you what friends, family, colleagues may think, it doesn't warrant an iota of consideration when deciding whether to stay with your fiance or leave.
> 
> This is a HUGE RED FLAG. Do not ignore it and I would be skeptical if you express your concern and thoughts of leaving to your fiance and she increases her sex drive, because it would probably be just to snare you.
> 
> ALthough you've spent a lot of time dating, sexual incompatibility is a MAJOR issue that will plague you/sadden/frustrate you for the rest of your married lives and I believe a reason to split up.


Thanks for all the replies so quickly!! I guess it is a big deal since its something I think about everyday. From reading through this forum im pretty much coming to the concensious that no sex equals big trouble down the road. I guess I just needed to hear it from other people. I guess in the mean time I better just grow some balls and figure out how to get out of this mess before it becomes permanent or even worse involves children!


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> First, yes, it's a reason not to get married.
> 
> Second, I don't know where you live, but I'd advise you to consult with a lawyer (on your own) before making any decisions. You say she didn't support you in med school, but she may say otherwise. Depending on your state of residence, you might find that the law considers you to be in a common law marriage. And the situation at work is a classic fact situation for claims of sexual harassment. You should do what is necessary to minimize your risks should you decide to end the relationship.


Luckily im in a state where its not a common law marriage. I do have a house that I purchased under my name, which i purchased on my own. Of course her coworkers thinks she should. We actually only combined our bank accounts 10 months ago. At this point id be more than happy to loose all our savings(16k+) and household items without a fight. House only bought 2 and half years ago for 130K so im sure the equity in it is crap. Either way im not thinking she'd try to take me but would be more worried about what her friends and family would convince her to do. To be honest with you i'd be ok with starting from $0.0 so a lawer would not be need.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, lack of sex is a good reason to not get married. Her attitude can be looked at as a form of emotional abuse.
> 
> You need to have a serious talk with her about this. She needs to do what is necessary to increase her libido. If she won't do that, then she's not marriage material.
> 
> Is she is birth control pills? They can decrease a woman's libido.


Has been on birth control for about 8 years. She has been for so long its hard to tell if it has any correlation with her sex drive or not. Have told her not to worry about taking them but she initially started them for cramping. I think her libido might have a little more to do with her weight gain (50+/ 5yrs) and feeling unattractive. She attempts to diet once in awhile or even work out but that never lasts. She might even have a little depression and generalized anxiety, but thats all she needs is pills which im sure would make it worse.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> And if you still decide to go ahead and get married despite this, just because of what everyone will 'think', then know that we'll be here for you over the years as you post about your misery. We'll keep telling you the same things too, as your life unfolds - don't get married, don't have kids, don't stay for the kids, don't cheat, don't put up with her cheating, don't settle, don't stay with her just because you've been married for 25 years, no separate vacations are not healthy, yes it's ok to masturbate when your wife won't put out, no it isn't ok to substitute masturbation for a healthy sex life, and no it isn't normal to just have sex once every 2 years.


:iagree:


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## KingofIstatements (Jul 30, 2011)

"It really irritates me even more when I feel like I'm being eye [email protected] all the time by people at work, on the train..."


YIKES! I'll happily echo the other respondents- GET OUT!!!!
And if this "irritates" you now... It'll destroy you once you really do have the metal teeth gripping your leg! 
I'm not even close to an Dr. in terms of status, just a guy whose good at what I do and have come into my own the past few years. Women can smell that confidence, and they want it. 
Going out in public can be a painful experience, eyes meet mine everywhere I go. Stunningly attractive twenty-somethings who smile at me all through the store, and suddenly show up in my checkout line to offer to help me with my 2 gallons of milk and bananas, while the lady in front of me had a cart that's practically dragging on the ground. You get the picture- it's not like I want that attention.
And at home? A wife who used to, by her own admission, do "everything." Who would joke around often about BJs until I asked her not to, when I finally realized she would never mean me. I had some of your same reservations prior to marriage, just chose not to listen b/c of a misplaced sense of responsibility. And we were having sex regularly then.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

You're a doctor and she's a secretary. You can easily find someone else that will give you sex. Realize your value and DON'T marry her. Who cares what people at work think.

You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you do.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

youngidiot said:


> From things shes said i think deep dowb * she doesnt want to get married* either with unresolved issues.


Hello? Anybody home inside that head of yours?

Earth to youngidiot. Come in please.

This is not a test. Incoming nuclear warheads. Pull head out of rear end. 

(Offered in humor. Anyone going through med school has a big brain. This is a matter of the heart.)


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

youngidiot said:


> ...where she's a secretary and I'm a resident physician.


_Credat idiota, non ego_

Sorry.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

IslandGirl3 said:


> Yes - it it a reason not to get married. Read lots of messages on this forum and you'll see, without a doubt, how important sex and intimacy are to a marriage. The lack of sex is the downfall of lots of marriages, the reason for cheating, and the reason for lots of resentment and unhappiness.
> 
> This issue is not trivial at all. Thank god you are not married. It's good that you have dated. Now you know. That's what dating is for. Although it may concern you what friends, family, colleagues may think, it doesn't warrant an iota of consideration when deciding whether to stay with your fiance or leave.
> 
> ...


Thanks again for all the replies. I've been talking a lot about this lately with my fiancé so at least the lines of communication seem to be opening up a little more. I think we both understand this is a huge Red flag so I'm glad we are both at least on the same page. It's hard to tell what's going to happen at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> First, yes, it's a reason not to get married.
> 
> Second, I don't know where you live, but I'd advise you to consult with a lawyer (on your own) before making any decisions. You say she didn't support you in med school, but she may say otherwise. Depending on your state of residence, you might find that the law considers you to be in a common law marriage. And the situation at work is a classic fact situation for claims of sexual harassment. You should do what is necessary to minimize your risks should you decide to end the relationship.


Well we don't live in a common law state so don't have to worry about that. I bought a house 2 and half years ago but we combined bank accounts about 1 year ago. The house only was about 130k so obviously the equity in it is crap. Of course everyone she knows says its a big mistake not having the house also in her name. We also have about 16k + in savings . Either way I'm pretty fair and would be more than willing to let her take all our savings and belongings. I think she's a fair person also I just hope her family and friends wouldn't try to push her for more. Hopefully lawyers won't be needed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Adex said:


> You're a doctor and she's a secretary. You can easily find someone else that will give you sex. Realize your value and DON'T marry her. Who cares what people at work think.
> 
> You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you do.


Well that's another issue I have. She's been with me through all the crappy times so can trust her. I feel like i could never trust anyone else that they were with me for the right reasons. I've seen my dad get taken by 2 almost 3 women and definately don't wanna go through that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pegasus_rv7 (Dec 23, 2012)

You can't live your life worried what others will think, they are not in your shoes. I will bet when you 2 finally agree to part you will feel as if a great weight has been removed from you shoulders. Good luck mate, no guilt for making the rest of your life better.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You two have been together since you were very very young. Especially her, as a teen.

People change dramatically during those years.

Try some counseling first for the two of you.

Maybe neither one of you want to get married but feel obligated because of all the time you have spent together.

Is you sex life you rolling over and groping her a couple times before you hop on? Be honest.


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