# didn't know who to talk to...



## UncleJack (Oct 31, 2009)

hey, this is kinda weird for me but im hoping that just putting it out there will help...when it comes to sex theres only so much your parents, pastors and close friends can do.

(might be a bit of a read, sorry it may not always make sense, please bare with me...not knowing what the problem is or where to start sucks)

im a young married man of almost 2 years and finding my sex life severely lacking. looking back i sorta saw it coming, but im the type of guy that accepts people for who they are but hopes that some day it will all come together, you know?
anyway, when i met my bride to be, she was (admittingly) living a nominal existance going from partner to partner for purely selfish reasons, not really knowing what direction she should be going in. I seemed to have had what she was looking for in a stable(ish) relationship cuz we dated about 4 months before i proposed. we were married 5 months later and thats kind of when the drama all started. (incase your thinking 'wow, that was fast! wtf?!' i've been trying to be the best christian man i can be and having had previous partners didnt want to drag it on if it wasn't going to end in marriage. which we discussed our first date...i mean what the hell else is the point of dating after all...)

anyway...our honeymoon was a near-total disaster, went to DR with some close friends and family and were off to a rocky start not having consumated our marriage on our wedding night...not from 'being tired' but that it was apparently too awkward. which i can...*kind of* understand but not totally when i, myself had had 4 partners prior and she had had 14...and without as much as a 'taste-test' (really trying to be clean, sorry!) we had a bath together and went to sleep.
it wasn't until the next afternoon that it finally happened, all 6 seconds of it...but thats to be expected i suppose. hehe
the rest of our week went on the same way it had started with only maybe 3 other intimate occasions. (which seemed a liiiiiittle skimpish in my mind, we were 25...i sort of expected a 'maybe we should stop to eat...' kind of conversation to happen)

so it went like that for a good long while, she promised to try, i promised to be patient, blah blah blah...
i really hope im not coming across like a total walking hard-on, i didnt find out she was a freak'n rape victim (if you could call it that) untill some after we were married...that is that her best friends brother slid into bed with her one night and started messing around and she wasnt totally interested but didnt have the spine enough to tell him to stop...im just a little fuzzy on the part where shes this total hockey playing jock in police foundations with all her 'cop friends' but too weak to tell the guy where to go and rip his berries off.
so that was a major blemish on her psychie apparently, to the point that she never told her best friend about it...untill our wedding trip, where she got pissed and didnt speak to my wife for a good year and a half but w/e...

ok im trying to not make this a rant...maybe i shoud change the tone...
i love my wife...i really do...i would like to love my wife, physically, every day if i could but her blatant apathy towards sex leaves me disinterested in return.
when we try, and i do mean TRY, to be intimate (as in when shes not drunk and horny, which was a major turn off for me when i noticed that pattern forming.) its so awkward.
awkward like shes new, like shes got an itchy nose, like her boobs are sore (90% of the time i might add), like her hips are sore from years of sports and its a major issue for her to be on top, like having been crosschecked in the face during lacross some 6 years ago+ her jaw hurts too much to give oral, like she will randomly gasp when i try to kiss her for more then 3 seconds at a time, like shes cold without the sheets covering her all the damn time, like she really truely honestly doesnt know her way around my body or how to even initiate sex in general...kind of awkward.
yes, a woman thats had 14 partners is as experienced as i was at 15. give me a solid break.

she told me tonight over a romantic candle-lit dinner that shes personally ok with not having sex more then once every week or two...i asked her if that was 'ok'(aka normal) she figured it wasn't cool, and that she'd like more, but you know...whatever.

part of the depressing part for me is that she turns into an a.d.h.d. kid on speed when we talk about having kids. suddenly she wants my "man juice" like i have a chocolate weener that ejaculates money.

i'd love to have kids...we've tried to no avail as of yet, but it still depresses me. our sex life depresses me.
and im not proud to admit it but i take care of myself in the prominent downtime with the web. which worsens how i feel long-term...not in an uncontrollable, compulsive sort of way, but like a comfort zone i rush back to when i feel the stress between us, feel neglected...


so there it is...most of it anyway. hope someone can decypher this garbage into something solid...

maybe to add, after a day of hearing how bloated she was, showing me how fat she is/feels, getting tipsy at dinner, making a joke of rifling her food into her, complaining about this, that and the other thing, our sex started with the usual nessesary lube and me hurting her, not because 'how huge i am' or anything but because in true form of feeling 15 again, trying to find the hole, i thrust into her making her jab herself with her fingernail so bad that she had to tell me like it was my fault, aired in her unshowered/shaven lower half, completely killing what little sexual desire i had for her.

feels like the drips filled my bucket of tolerance so i just got another bucket...but what else can i do...?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You realize this will be a sexless marriage after 2.3 kids. She dislikes sex enough that after she gains some weight - and she likely will leave it on, why bother to stay fit when you dislike sex. 

Sex is too important to me - i would end it pre-kids. But maybe you love all else about her enough to overlook this. 





UncleJack said:


> hey, this is kinda weird for me but im hoping that just putting it out there will help...when it comes to sex theres only so much your parents, pastors and close friends can do.
> 
> (might be a bit of a read, sorry it may not always make sense, please bare with me...not knowing what the problem is or where to start sucks)
> 
> ...


----------



## BetterThanIDeserve (Oct 30, 2009)

Your situation sounds similar to my first marriage. I was patient and understanding and "good guy" for 14 years, without success. Felt I owed it to her and to our marriage to try everything possible, so took her to best sex therapist in the country, which helped only briefly and partially before she reverted to her frigid ways. Hell, once a week would have been a sexual banquet. Don't make my mistake and wait that long. Because she may have been raped, I think you owe it to her to try and find qualified sex therapist if you can to address that issue and any underlying issues between 2 of youl I would be kind but firm about it. It's not optional if she wants to stay married to you. It's your life, too, and your needs are as important as hers. If she won't go, or if she goes and after a good faith effort, it doesn't work, you should end it before kids. Otherwise, this will not get any better. The pattern will continue and only worsen. Good luck but that's my best advice.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

UnckeJack-

Do not get her pregnant under any circumstances. Your life won't be worth living.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Totally agree here. NO KIDS until you get this fixed. And even then, make sure you have a good amount of time after all of the issues are resoved before you think of kids... like at least a year.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

UncleJack said:


> she told me tonight over a romantic candle-lit dinner that shes personally ok with not having sex more then once every week or two...i asked her if that was 'ok'(aka normal) she figured it wasn't cool, and that she'd like more, but you know...whatever.
> 
> part of the depressing part for me is that she turns into an a.d.h.d. kid on speed when we talk about having kids. suddenly she wants my "man juice" like i have a chocolate weener that ejaculates money.


Well, I agree with the others that having kids would just make things worse with her.

If she admits she doesn't want sex, but for making babies, would she be ok with you then seeking sex elsewhere? I mean, since she knows of your interest, normal interest, and she doesn't want it, does she realize the price of her disinterest on you?


My gut tells me that she is not empathetic. And she would be hurt and pissed off at such a suggestion, yet sees her admission as reasonable.

Good luck.


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

I'm another person that agrees with not having kids until your sex life is worked on. Kids make it no better. I also agree with her seeing a therapist...the story about what happened to her is a bit weird, but if she feels she was sexually assaulted, then she needs help.

I don't agree with you getting sex elsewhere. If you have to do all that, just get divorced. I personally am someone who can go without sex for a very, very long time. However, I married someone who can't seem to go a day without. So, I accepted it, and gave him sex whenever he wanted.

I'm not saying she needs to give in like I did to my husband, but she needs to realize that sex is important to you, and try to fulfill that need more often. If she makes that effort, you need to compromise and be understanding.

However, realize that sex doesn't make a happy marriage. It really doesn't...my husband was getting everything he wanted, needed, and asked for from me in the marriage, but because he has issues to deal with, it nearly ended our marriage. She sounds like she has things she needs to work on within herself, and sex won't be able to resolve those issues.


----------



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Forgot to add, it also sounds like there's not much passion between you two. Have you tried increasing non-sexual contact with her? What I mean is, giving more hugs, holding her hand, or even just giving her a small rub on the shoulder in passing.

I see you tried a romantic dinner, so maybe it's time to do things more regularly, instead of just before you want sex. You can also send her little notes, emails, or text messages to see if that helps (get as dirty as you want in them, but you don't have to say anything overtly sexual if that's not your style).


----------



## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

On a macro level, it is interesting how so many of these posts are about someone not getting it enough or someone whose partner wants it too much...

I agree with all that is said about fixing this before kids come in to the picture and counseling might help. One thing is it sounds like you get so excited that you might be contributing to poor sex. I understand how this can happen to us guys but you need to super-slow down, don't be jamming toward her hole and hurting her in the process. If you take it slow, you could make it more fun for her. Not that you will solve her frigidness with this but make whe whole process last an hour or 2. That's right, 2 hours! Don't worry about getting off, that will come later. Explore her body and have fun in the process.

Good luck!


----------



## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

chuckf75 said:


> On a macro level, it is interesting how so many of these posts are about someone not getting it enough or someone whose partner wants it too much...
> 
> I agree with all that is said about fixing this before kids come in to the picture and counseling might help. One thing is it sounds like you get so excited that you might be contributing to poor sex. I understand how this can happen to us guys but you need to super-slow down, don't be jamming toward her hole and hurting her in the process. If you take it slow, you could make it more fun for her. Not that you will solve her frigidness with this but make whe whole process last an hour or 2. That's right, 2 hours! Don't worry about getting off, that will come later. Explore her body and have fun in the process.
> 
> Good luck!


I agree as another member of the male contingent.

Most of the fun between my wife and I are from 1-3 hours. I mean we have our quickies and she loves getting thrown up against the wall when I'm in the mood but now that we are in our 40's, the slower style seems more frequent.

By the time you do a body massage, and then foreplay, it's easily 1 hour. Factor in another 30 minutes for her 3-5 orgasms (she does need a few minutes in between and she loves being hugged tight in between orgasms), then another X minutes for mine, we are up to 2 hours easily. This is if you don't count the time for flirting and suggestive stuff that goes on before during the day to get us into the "zone" for playing when the kids are in bed.

But it's all good.


----------

