# Husband lied...not sure what to think...



## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We are in the same industry and both have great jobs. He owns his own business and was looking to replace one of his employees. He wanted to hire a particular woman and I said I would prefer him not. He said ok and seemed fine with it. 

About a month later, I got off work early and stopped by his work. I go inside and see this woman sitting in the office! I was blown away – he let me walk right into that. I was calm and left and asked him to call me when he could. I didn’t hear from him until 4 hours later. By the time he called I had already been in his email and found out that he had interviewed her the morning after he asked me about her. She sent a thank you note from her interview with her phone number on it. So I checked the bill and saw that he had been talking to her for about a month. She had worked there for about 2 weeks. 

I was stunned because my husband is not a liar and this is so out of character. During the last month he told me he was still recruiting. In fact, over dinner a week earlier, he actually told me the person he was looking to replace was doing a better job! Little did I know that he had already fired him and this woman took his spot. 

When my husband came home that night, he thought I was upset because she was a female. That is not my issue; I am a female in a male dominated industry so I have no issue with that. My problem was with who it was. She is in my industry and my customers tell me she is trouble! 

The bigger issue is that my husband lied to my face and he did it with ease. When I started asking him why he did this – he got mad at me. This came out of left field. He said he was not putting up with this and left and stayed with his dad. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. I was so hurt. When we finally talked I tried to explain my point of view and how it damaged my trust in him. I wanted to understand why he thought that was his best option. He said she is just an employee and it is his business and he will do what he wants. I said even at the cost of our marriage and he said yes. I will never understand the sneakiness. 

We went to counseling and he still never saw my point of view. I asked him if he would let her go and he refused. I found that so bizarre! He said that he was a grown man and I would not “tell him what to do”. I do not believe that he has been unfaithful and I know he has no interest in her. 

If I want to stay married to him, I have to accept that this is how it is. That was 1 ½ years ago. I have hung in there and it has been a roller coaster. When we argue he will threaten me with divorce. She used to send him early and late texts and the counselor would tell my husband he has to set boundaries and he had to do that 5 times with this woman. It is only 3 of them in the office. This woman has had 2 other people in the office quit so it is just her and my husband in the office. My husband had his daughter work at the shop last summer. His children knew the damage the lie caused in our marriage. He asked his daughter to keep our family business private but this woman strongly pursued a friendship with her – even to the point of exchanging “love you” on Facebook. She inserted herself into my husband’s life by becoming friendly with my husband’s father and friends. Unfortunately, she knows way too much about her role in our rocky marriage. It is very strange. 

When his daughter went back to college, he said he may not replace the position. I didn’t know, but he was lying to me again. He had hired this woman’s best friend! 6 months into our counseling and he did the same thing! The only difference was the morning she was starting, he told me the truth. I forgave him again but it negated all the progress we made. That was a year ago. 

My husband has given me passwords to everything but I don’t want to live like that. I travel 50% of the time for work and don’t want to worry about what is going on back home. He has a responsibility-free life on the home front because I am rarely home. When we got married he moved into my home so there in no “honey do” list and I put no demands on him. The kids stay with their dad when I travel. He doesn’t like to come home to an empty house so he is out late with his friends during the week. I am home on the weekends, but he still goes to the shop with his friends on Saturdays. I get Sunday’s. So if we are not getting along, it is my loss. 

We had a good stretch for the past 10 months as long as I don’t question anything and accept that this woman will stay working there. When my husband and I argue, he is a hothead and his entire shop knows, including this woman. This past summer, my husband’s daughter worked at his shop again and they picked up their friendship. 

The Facebook thing is ridiculous. I told my husband I felt it is inappropriate and he flew off the handle and told me he wants a divorce. He said he can’t tell his daughter who to be friends with. He called all of his friends and daughters and told them to unfriend me on Facebook because I was being immature about this woman. All his friends told him that he was being unreasonable. It was embarrassing! He could have just asked his daughter one on one to stop the friendship with this woman if he really didn’t want her in our family business. 

My husband refuses to see it for what it is. He says I am being immature and that she is just a co-worker. I tell him that it is not normal for co-workers to text after hours, say “I love you” to their boss’s kids and be flirty/friendly with their boss’s friends/family. None of his other employees do that. He says I am controlling and that I just want “to win” and that if I really trusted him this wouldn’t be an issue. He says I am the problem and that I should not care what he does. 

At the end of July, on our first day of vacation, he had a missed call from her husband. I thought it was strange and asked why he would be calling. I asked him to call him back to find out what he wanted. He refused. I told him that it would make me feel better and that is what the counselor always encouraged. I didn’t know why her husband would be calling and thought maybe it was to tell him to stay away from his wife. My husband was adamant about not calling him back. 

The next morning, he went crazy. He told me he wanted a divorce and that he couldn’t believe that I was mad over a guy calling him. He said he has no control over who calls him. I told him of course he doesn’t but that wasn’t the issue. His lack of concern over my feeling and his cold hearted behavior was troubling. For me to accept the situation as is and he not be willing to make a phone call was disappointing. He screamed at me in front of his daughters and told me I was a whack job that I needed help; he wanted a divorce, etc. I tried to calm him down by saying how would you feel if a man was talking to your daughters the way you are talking to me but he didn’t care. It was horrible. Calling me names, etc. I had my sons and 2 of their friends with us but they did not hear him (I was on the phone). I left our house and stayed in another for the rest of the trip. I was afraid that he would blow up in front of my children and they would have never been able to recover from that. 

When we returned from vacation things settled down. There is a lot of damage. My boys hate the way he treats me. My family and friends have recently said so too. They say, if they knew they had caused their spouse so much pain, they would take away the source of the pain. They question why he is not willing to do that for me, as do I. 

Overall, I believe he is a good person, but doesn’t know how to have an honest relationship. I know he is not a cheater but his omission makes him seem sneaky. Then when he is questioned or pressed for the truth, he blows up and threatens divorce. In retrospect I don’t think he ever told the whole truth about situations and perhaps the situation 1 ½ years ago opened my eyes. He has done a good job of keeping his shop life and friends from me. I don’t always want to wonder if I am getting the whole story. Also, his unwillingness to want to take a painful situation out of our marriage speaks volumes. 90% of our arguments are over this woman, escalate to harsh words and ultimately the threat of divorce. He has wanted to get me to not care about what he does and I am at the point where I really don’t. 

Can you offer an opinion or tell me if I am overreacting which may help shed some light on this. Thanks so much.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Fill out the divorce papers, next time he threatens divorce, tell him you already got the ball rolling... If she's more important than making you comfortable and happy, I smell a rat..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It doesn't sound as though you are over reacting - it sounds as though he is, although I am conscious that there is your husband's side to this story too.

It sounds very like he is straight up having a full blown affair with this woman though - all of the red flags are there.

He has not received any consequences from his actions and you are way too trusting. 

This sentence particularly struck me:



believeinlove said:


> Overall, I believe he is a good person, but doesn’t know how to have an honest relationship. I know he is not a cheater.


The vast majority of "us" think our spouse couldn't be a cheater. It is very common to hear that they were the "last person on Earth to cheat" and that they are a "good person".

As he is quite prepared to use the threat of divorce to control you, I would suggest telling him "ok". 

In the meantime, gather evidence. He almost certainly has another email account and phone in order to carry on his affair.

Use a Voice activated recorder. I will PM Weightlifter - an expert on these matters - and ask him to check in with advice in that area.

Other than that, stand up for yourself. If you want this marriage you must be prepared to lose it.

I'll nip off now and send that PM. Keep posting. It may well get quite rocky for you yet - I hope not, but the odds don't look great...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why the lies? Who needs a lying spouse?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like he's installed his mistress in his office and you aren't supposed to give him any lip about it. You say you know he isn't cheating, yet every red flag there is is waving right at you.

I would take him up on the divorce. He seems to want it pretty badly.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

believeinlove said:


> Overall, I believe he is a good person


You are wrong, he's not.
He's abusive and immature.

ETA
And of course he's cheating.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, sorry for the spot you are. Your husband is emotionally abusing you and using your love for him to hurt you.

Why does he value this female employee more than you and your marriage? Think about that. That is why he lied.

He can't see your point of view because he head is stuck to far up his a$$.

See a lawyer, check your options and stop being his doormat. You deserve better than to be disrespected and mistreated. 

I would be stunned if there was not more to his relationship with her than you know.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

If my H ever said someone/something else was more important than our marriage, that's my cue to exit.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Why don't you call her husband ?

It seems your afraid to hear what he has to say.

It seems your afraid to accept what might be going on. Your on a infidelity forum and your saying you don't believe your husband was unfaithful. Come on.. who is kidding who..

Funny you said your husband is a good person.. I just told my therapist my wife wasn't a bad person.. He made me go through our history and then stated don't you see she was a bad person.. 

Love is blind.. Take the dam blinders off. 

Beat him to the punch, don't argue with him. Just serve him papers.. If he wants you and loves you he will look to fix this..


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

believeinlove said:


> I was stunned because my husband is not a liar


 The lies and ommissions would seem to be at odds with this statement.



believeinlove said:


> ...he will do what he wants. I said even at the cost of our marriage and he said yes.


 OK, I guess you knew where you stood when you heard this. For some reason you chose to ignore it. Why?



believeinlove said:


> I do not believe that he has been unfaithful and I know he has no interest in her.


 Willful ignorance. You know no such thing. All evidence points to the opposite.



believeinlove said:


> I forgave him again


No you didn't. You're holding onto this just like everything else. I'm not saying you are wrong or that he is deserving of your forgiveness (I can't see forgiving someone who is completely remorseless and continues the offensive behavior) but there is no sense in deluding yourself. You are pissed and hurt, your trust has been shattered and it no doubt manifests itself in numerous ways in your relationship.




believeinlove said:


> My husband has given me passwords to everything


 Once again, you don't know this to be true. Cheaters are very good at going underground when they know their spouse is on to them. He could give you passwords to a thousands email accounts and have more that he uses to contact her. Wake up and use your head. If you continue to be willfully ignorant, he will take advantage of it. 




believeinlove said:


> I travel 50% of the time


 Now we're getting somewhere. Your level of travel is the perfect set up for an affair. You haven't got the slightest clue of what he does in your absence. I would put a GPS tracker on his car and a VAR in both the car and the bedroom. You may come face-to-face with the truth.



believeinlove said:


> ...he is out late with his friends during the week. I am home on the weekends, but he still goes to the shop with his friends on Saturdays. I get Sunday’s.


 So you're gone all week and he still reserves Saturdays for his friends? Even if he's not cheating (he is) what does that tell you about where you stand in his priorities? 



believeinlove said:


> He said he can’t tell his daughter who to be friends with.


 He is absolutely right about this and you should not be interfering with his relationship with his adult daughter. What he can do is fire a woman that you are uncomfortable with. This is the issue, not silly Facebook crap.



believeinlove said:


> At the end of July, on our first day of vacation, he had a missed call from her husband. I thought it was strange and asked why he would be calling. I asked him to call him back to find out what he wanted. He refused. I told him that it would make me feel better and that is what the counselor always encouraged. I didn’t know why her husband would be calling and thought maybe it was to tell him to stay away from his wife. My husband was adamant about not calling him back.


 Is THIS the life you want to live? 




believeinlove said:


> The next morning, he went crazy. He told me he wanted a divorce and that he couldn’t believe that I was mad over a guy calling him. He said he has no control over who calls him. I told him of course he doesn’t but that wasn’t the issue. His lack of concern over my feeling and his cold hearted behavior was troubling. For me to accept the situation as is and he not be willing to make a phone call was disappointing. He screamed at me in front of his daughters and told me I was a whack job that I needed help; he wanted a divorce, etc. I tried to calm him down by saying how would you feel if a man was talking to your daughters the way you are talking to me but he didn’t care. It was horrible. Calling me names, etc. I had my sons and 2 of their friends with us but they did not hear him (I was on the phone). I left our house and stayed in another for the rest of the trip. I was afraid that he would blow up in front of my children and they would have never been able to recover from that.


 Please tell me what it is that you want to save here?



believeinlove said:


> Overall, I believe he is a good person,


 People believe in Santa Claus too. Well, some kids do, anyway.



believeinlove said:


> I know he is not a cheater


 This is almost painful to read.

I can't understand why you haven't already filed for divorce. I understand that your husband may have some valid counterpoints, but it is clear that your marriage is fundamentally broken. He is cheating, you are in denial but have a vague idea that something is wrong with his relationship with this woman, he refuses to take action to end this relationship but threatens you with divorce and belittles you to keep you quiet. What kind of life is that? What is it that you are holding onto?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OK FULL STOP. DO NOTHING until you fulfill my instructions below.

Im resident VAR goon. You have enough red flags to investigate but not nearly enough for an even half way decent confront. IE DONT BE RDMU. (A poster who did a soft confront that his wife shot his azz down hard and she went underground giving him 6 more weeks of utter misery until he did a hard confront with real evidence. Using a modified version of a script I wrote she broke in under 1 minute)

Here is the complete set of instructions. Sorry I mostly deal with betrayed husbands so invert the sexes but here goes. I would concentrate on VARs GPS and keyloggers. One problem is men dont carry purses and i think the amazon Pen var would rock in your case.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you for your responses - it helps. We have invested a lot of time in counseling but we are spinning wheels. I can't want to fix it for the both of us. It would be different if there were progress. The fights are getting worse and he says it is because he is frustrated. He claims he is true blue and she is just an employee. Last year my travel schedule changed and he told me he was thinking about firing her. I think he said to give me false hope so that I would not wonder what he was doing back home. That was last November. Shame on me. Duh! 

So ready to get off this ride. If you stay on the rollercoaster too long eventually you get sick...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

believeinlove said:


> Can you offer an opinion or tell me if I am overreacting which may help shed some light on this. Thanks so much.


I don't think you're overreacting at all. 

But that isn't the real issue to me. 

It's the fact he is lying through his teeth and then placing you on the defensive.

To me that says he is up to a lot more. 

I suggest a 3 month separation. You need time alone to think and get clear what you want to do.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

believeinlove said:


> About a month later, I got off work early and stopped by his work. I go inside and see this woman sitting in the office! I was blown away – he let me walk right into that. I was calm and left and asked him to call me when he could. I didn’t hear from him until 4 hours later. By the time he called I had already been in his email and found out that he had interviewed her the morning after he asked me about her. She sent a thank you note from her interview with her phone number on it. So I checked the bill and saw that he had been talking to her for about a month. She had worked there for about 2 weeks.
> 
> I was stunned because my husband is not a liar and this is so out of character.


the Chinese have a (derogatory) term for this type of female ... Xiao san ... little three (little third) ... who ingratiate themselves into a marriage, and split it apart.

Your H can see no fault with this Xiao san; but you can see clearly what she is up to.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

In the Welcome Newbies thread, lordmayhem gives this definition of gaslighting:

"Gaslighting - Named after a play and 1944 film with Ingrid Bergman. Gaslighting is when the WS will make their BS doubt their own memory and make them feel crazy for believing what would be obvious to most. The BS will want to believe their spouse so much that the WS will be able lie and twist things around so much that the BS will question themselves and feel guilty for making accusations or spying, even when the proof is next to undeniable. This is why most will recommend that the BS obtain irrefutable proof of the affair."

If someone IS cheating, he may resort to gaslighting, a manipulative technique designed to keep YOU feeling off balance and yes even a bit guilty for suggesting there's anything wrong with behavior he's been exhibiting. 

In fact, your husband's behavior has been atrocious. 

zookkeeper is correct - you have not forgiven him. And you shouldn't have! He has shown no remorse for the things you KNOW he's done that have been harmful to the marriage, such as lying (you said he "is not a liar," but of course, you know now that he has become one - that was true of my husband as well when he started cheating on me; my husband even used to talk about how much HE hated liars!).

Your fear of divorce gives your husband power over you. As long as he knows that threatening it will keep you "in line" he can do as he pleases, as he is operating from a position of strength. He can have his cake and eat it too.

So you could go full detective mode, and perhaps find out the truth, or you could decide you've had enough and decide YOU could walk away from this far from satisfying and certainly not comforting "marriage," in which case he won't have that power over you any longer. Then you can tell him it's you or her - either he fires her or you're out. 

You know that if you ask him to tell you the truth, you aren't going to get it. There is a high probability of at least an "emotional affair" here - inappropriate conversations between him and her about things that should be reserved for him and his wife. And there has been so much lying - out of character for him - that it is highly likely to have gone physical. You need to take the bull by the horns here and put a stop to the way he's been treating you. Even without concrete evidence of an affair, you're his wife and he should have shown you more respect and been completely honest with you with regard to this woman - the fact that he's been sneaking around about her is more than enough reason for you to insist that he fire her or you're done.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

This is a full blown classic EA and he is connected to her. It may have move to PA, if not its just a matter of time. I haven't read all comments here yet but from what you wrote he does wants this women over you, its not there yet. File the D and get out now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Thanks for the posts. He definitely makes me feel like I am acting immature for questioning him. 

Last night was awful. He told me that if I make him choose, it is her and I need to get over it. We had a very heated discussion and he told me our relationship isn't going to work. I surprised him and told him that he was right - that it is not going to work and I want out. I will not live like this anymore. He got angry and started packing a bag. He left and I told him he wasn't ever coming back. I locked the door behind him. A minute later he kicked the door in. He started yelling at me that I would not disrespect him. It was ugly!

I went upstairs to bed. This morning he asked if I was going to spend the day with him (as if nothing happened - he often does this) and I said no. He said what is going on with us. I told him that we are getting divorced. I met my girlfriends for a morning walk and coffee. I am developing an exit plan. He is out for his Saturday friend day and I have no idea when he will be home. I will ask my neighbor to be with me tonight. He is always on his "best behavior" in front of people, so I don't worry about that. His image is very important to him. 

I have had enough. Tired on fighting for his time and attention.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

believeinlove said:


> Thanks for the posts. He definitely makes me feel like I am acting immature for questioning him.
> 
> Last night was awful. He told me that if I make him choose, it is her and I need to get over it. We had a very heated discussion and he told me our relationship isn't going to work. I surprised him and told him that he was right - that it is not going to work and I want out. I will not live like this anymore. He got angry and started packing a bag. He left and I told him he wasn't ever coming back. I locked the door behind him. A minute later he kicked the door in. He started yelling at me that I would not disrespect him. It was ugly!
> 
> ...


Awesome!! :smthumbup:

You have backbone, and he didn't think you did!! Choosing her over you - well, that says it all right there. You don't need photos of them. Making a choice like that points to at LEAST an emotional affair, and almost certainly more than that - sorry, I know that truth probably hurts. Developing an exit plan is the right thing to do, and having girlfriends around and a neighbor with you tonight are all excellent ideas. Keep getting whatever support you need, including coming here. Way to go!


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

I am thankful I found this forum as it helped validate that I have to get him out of my life for myself and my kids. Seeing him kicking the door last night and the way he talked to me was the final straw. The support of family and friends is giving me strength. I hope I can keep up the momentum.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What state OP? It mightmmatter on alimony or property division.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I am very proud of you. he kept threatening with D , show him that you are ready. Now he must probably thinking that his strategy to keep you quiet using D threat did not work!! Stay on this forum. There are people who know much about D and laws, they will help you through this. Stay strong!!


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Husband just got home after being out with his friends all day. He came in and acts like nothing is wrong. He gets out of the shower and I tell him to sleep in the guest room which he agrees. 

I am walking with the girls in the morning - we have our annual 50K MS walk next weekend that we are training for in memory of my husband's mother. I tell him that we need to discuss timing of him moving out. He says he is not leaving until we have a separation agreement. I say that we will have to get the attorneys on the phone tomorrow because after him kicking in the door last night I am not comfortable around him. I will not be in the house alone with him and I should not live in fear. My son is here tonight and that is how I know my husband won't act up. I did get a voice activated recorder as was suggested and was ready to use it tonight to record any confrontations, etc. if needed. 

I spoke to my realtor in Florida and am putting my 2nd house up for sale this week. It is in my name only and the paperwork is being drawn up this weekend. That will come as a shock to him. 

He is very surprised and quiet as this is not how it usually goes. Careful what you wish for. It feels good to take back my life. 

I do have a feeling it will get ugly as he realizes there is no turning back. I am anticipating him getting nasty. Can anyone offer advice or suggestions on how to deal with the next day while trying to get him out of the house...


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

believeinlove said:


> Husband just got home after being out with his friends all day. He came in and acts like nothing is wrong. He gets out of the shower and I tell him to sleep in the guest room which he agrees.
> 
> I am walking with the girls in the morning - we have our annual 50K MS walk next weekend that we are training for in memory of my husband's mother. I tell him that we need to discuss timing of him moving out. He says he is not leaving until we have a separation agreement. I say that we will have to get the attorneys on the phone tomorrow because after him kicking in the door last night I am not comfortable around him. I will not be in the house alone with him and I should not live in fear. My son is here tonight and that is how I know my husband won't act up. I did get a voice activated recorder as was suggested and was ready to use it tonight to record any confrontations, etc. if needed.
> 
> ...


Go get a restraining order, kicking the door in is pretty violent and gives you just cause. Talk to an attorney about it. I seriously think he is pretty unstable, I would not want him there.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

believeinlove said:


> Husband just got home after being out with his friends all day. He came in and acts like nothing is wrong. He gets out of the shower and I tell him to sleep in the guest room which he agrees.
> 
> I am walking with the girls in the morning - we have our annual 50K MS walk next weekend that we are training for in memory of my husband's mother. I tell him that we need to discuss timing of him moving out. He says he is not leaving until we have a separation agreement. I say that we will have to get the attorneys on the phone tomorrow because after him kicking in the door last night I am not comfortable around him. I will not be in the house alone with him and I should not live in fear. My son is here tonight and that is how I know my husband won't act up. I did get a voice activated recorder as was suggested and was ready to use it tonight to record any confrontations, etc. if needed.
> 
> ...


You're afraid of him _getting_ nasty? What do you call him kicking in the door? If you're not afraid for your physical safety you should be. Get an order of protection.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Way to go:thumbup:

This guy neess to be kicked to the curb. And get photos of the kicked in door if u still can.


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## justme85 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi,

So glad to hear that you're not standing for this type of treatment. I felt uncomfortable reading how he has acted and spoken to you. 

You are in control. Concentrate on making yourself happy and to provide a healthy and loving life for you and your children. He had that chance, numerous times, and blew it.

Wishing you all the very best!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

tdwal said:


> Go get a restraining order, kicking the door in is pretty violent and gives you just cause. Talk to an attorney about it. I seriously think he is pretty unstable, I would not want him there.


I agree... he has already turned nasty. You've been living with nasty for some time.
He just got and is getting nastier... I'm very concerned for your safety.
I would suggest a RO as well, if that's not possible make sure you 
are never alone with him.
Limit the calm conversation to the necessities...nothing emotional.

I must say I'm so impressed by your smart moves and self love. You already know you deserve better than his sh!tty version of 'love' which is a huge and important part of this letting go and moving on process.

Sadly his loyalties shifted to this other woman sometime ago I'd say. Once your gone he may well realize what a mess he has made and how manipulative this OW has been.

Hopefully you'll be long gone by then.


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Husband moved out this morning. I made sure he took enough so he doesn't have to return until he is retrieving the rest of his things permanently. He was crying, remorseful and giving the guilt trip that he had no where to go. He admitted that he did not put me as a priority but I told him it was too late and that this is what we have been working through since march of 2012. I heard this many times. Changing locks and getting alarm installed tomorrow. Lots of friends around today. Keeping my chin up. Haven't heard from him and don't expect too. Thanks for the support.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Is there a way your marriage could be patched up?

If he admitted to his affair and was remorseful, would you have him back?

People do act in extreme ways in extreme circumstances, but marriage is such a precious thing; could you patch it up with him do you think?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think she should go ahead with the D. It sounds like she has tried for some time. Her husband made her suffer for nearly 2 yrs. How will he make aments for the cruelty, disrespect and treating her like she was worth nothing to him? 

I doubt if he is a different person. If he is, it will take him years to prove it. A waste of her time. A narcissist rarely changes. 

They don't like to lose and they react very badly when they are outdone. He is likely to tell her anything to win. He is one N who will gets what is coming to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

believeinlove said:


> I spoke to my realtor in Florida and am putting my 2nd house up for sale this week. It is in my name only and the paperwork is being drawn up this weekend. That will come as a shock to him.


Good for you in showing strength. Please talk to a lawyer FIRST, before selling and moving assets. Sorry, Chris, I disagree with you on a patch up. Counseling isn't working, she has done all of the work and it has been nearly two years. He then threatens her with divorce, whenever she is being "immature," after all of his lying. On top of that, he hired a woman that she disapproved of and lets pretend it is jealousy.

SO what? He lied.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

You are right , i think he is narcissist . N do not change
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are AWESOME!!!

Any violence in the future - call the cops. Often they will give a warning if you don't want to file. But they WILL give a warning.

She goes.

Problem is, the damage is done. He chose. He just thought he could bully you.

I think we all know he boffed her. Lie detector will probably get that out of him.

The question is, how do you play it in your favor for a divorce agreement?

Not saying you have to D. But you have all the momentum in your favor. Keep it going. He is in a tailspin.

You are awesome. Seriously girl. Role model status.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

BTW, I also agree he knew her before he hired her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> Is there a way your marriage could be patched up?
> 
> If he admitted to his affair and was remorseful, would you have him back?
> 
> People do act in extreme ways in extreme circumstances, but marriage is such a precious thing; could you patch it up with him do you think?


Chris, did you read the original post word for word, or just skim it? If you read it carefully, I find it hard to believe you would really think this situation would warrant reconciliation even if the guy would admit to the affair and show remorse. Because this situation involved bullying and emotional abuse, topped off with a display of violence by kicking in the door (which always carries a threat of further violence, possibly to her).

I agree that marriages are too often ended before both parties have really gone deep and tried their best to be their best selves for the sake of the marriage. But this is an example of a cheater who was also cruel. We need to give this poster all the support we can for the steps that she has taken to get out of this awful situation. She has shown awesome courage and is a great example of someone standing up to a bully.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> Chris, did you read the original post word for word, or just skim it? If you read it carefully, I find it hard to believe you would really think this situation would warrant reconciliation even if the guy would admit to the affair and show remorse. Because this situation involved bullying and emotional abuse, topped off with a display of violence by kicking in the door (which always carries a threat of further violence, possibly to her).
> 
> I agree that marriages are too often ended before both parties have really gone deep and tried their best to be their best selves for the sake of the marriage. But this is an example of a cheater who was also cruel. We need to give this poster all the support we can for the steps that she has taken to get out of this awful situation. She has shown awesome courage and is a great example of someone standing up to a bully.


I have read all of the posts carefully. My posts have supported the OP.

Being betrayed involves abuse of all sorts. I am obviously not condoning this for one second; nor am I encouraging or suggesting reconciliation at this point.

All cheaters are cruel. Look at some of the stories we have seen on this board. I haven't shared half of the abuse - both emotional and physical - I have been subjected to over many years. As it happens, I'm not worried by the physical but the emotional has torn me apart over many years. Some of this was exceptionally cruel - moreso in knowledge of what was going on when much of it took place.

Other stories - Thorburn's sticks in my mind as an extreme example - involve terrible abuses by cheaters. But with time and love things can be turned around.

This isn't about what is right or wrong, it's about asking a question. I don't think encouraging break up and divorce is the right thing to do without asking if reconciliation might be possible.

Divorce is horrible. It's a horrible, horrible, thing to find yourself with no marriage and on your own after investing years into a relationship. Children need a father and mother.

As such, I believe all possibilities should be examined in a calm, rational, environment. Clearly, if this man does not come clean about his affair and becomes 100% remorseful, then R isn't on the table anyway.

TL;DR : I'm just asking if R might be possible. That's all.


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

I was doing really well and then I heard from husband. He is showing remorse and asked if he could talk about our next steps. I made the mistake of talking to him. He wants to be sure that this is what I want...even though he has been asking for this for so long. He says he is going to have to sign a lease for an apartment, etc. Playing with my head. I should not have taken his call because now I am thinking about possibly giving him one more chance...please tell me I am crazy. Once on the phone, he started blaming me again. This is the pattern...get me hopeful that he will change and then no change. My boys came over Monday and spent the day with me. I feel like I would disappoint them so much if I ever took my husband back. He is not their father. Their father and I have such a great relationship. He is remarried to a wonderful woman and we are great coparents to our children. I hope I have the strength to see this through. Any words of encouragement or advice would be welcome...


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

believeinlove said:


> I was doing really well and then I heard from husband. He is showing remorse and asked if he could talk about our next steps. I made the mistake of talking to him. He wants to be sure that this is what I want...even though he has been asking for this for so long. He says he is going to have to sign a lease for an apartment, etc. Playing with my head. I should not have taken his call because now I am thinking about possibly giving him one more chance...please tell me I am crazy. Once on the phone, he started blaming me again. This is the pattern...get me hopeful that he will change and then no change. My boys came over Monday and spent the day with me. I feel like I would disappoint them so much if I ever took my husband back. He is not their father. Their father and I have such a great relationship. He is remarried to a wonderful woman and we are great coparents to our children. I hope I have the strength to see this through. Any words of encouragement or advice would be welcome...


Ok, no way in hell should you take him back. He turned violent and kicked in your door. His aggressiveness is escalating, please don't put yourself into a position to get hurt.

IMO you have given him too many chances. You recognize he is following the same pattern, that in itself should tell you it's not going to change.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Just remember - he is a bully. He can't even manage to maintain "feel sorry for me" very long before the bully returns.

No more calls from him, young lady! He can talk through your lawyer. 

Write a list of his typical deceptive behaviours, his lies, the things he did/said to make you feel crazy, and in large letters that he chose her!

Tell him your lawyer wants a poly for the proceedings. ;-). Watch him squirm!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Please dont take him back. I am afraid he is a Narcissist and N never change, they never live reality, they keep chasing the woman of their dream!! in this case that woman is at his office!! Be strong, tell him that you gave him so many chances before and that you are tired. It will be all cycle you will see, a roll-coaster .If you give him a chance, he will think that you cannot live without him, he will continue cheating, physical and emotional because he knows he is in charge and without him you are nobody. It hard I know, but stay strong. He is manipulative, remember he told you he can divorce you and now he wants you back? Good luck. Maybe the other woman is not very interested, or your H is thinking how much he is going to lose and how life will be hard for him if you D him. Stay strong please.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Remorse about what? Hiring that woman and her best friend? If so, he would have fired them both by now. If he hasn't done that then he isn't showing true remorse.

About having an emotional affair? Has he admitted to that? Because that's what he had with her - at least. That early morning and evening contact stuff was typical affair behavior (inappropriate boundaries for a married man), and when asked to choose between her and you his wife, he chose her, a clear indication of an emotional affair. (But it is most likely that the affair went physical, though he will deny, deny.)

And do NOT forget the kicking in the door incident. He showed you what he is capable of. His threats of divorce and accusing you of being a "whack job" were the first stage of threatening behavior to keep you under control; physical violence to the door took it up to another level, and now that he's gone there he's more likely to do it again. Bullies use threats in order to control people. But when they get really riled up, they could hurt you. Stand up to him. Don't let him control you anymore.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you were to give him another chance, you would be doing it without having the truth of his relationship with the OW. He's been bullying you for a long time. That certainly won't stop if you let him talk you into letting him come home now. It will be just another instance of him getting his way and he will have done it without owning up to his behavior.

Try to remember that the chances are extremely high that he is in a PA with her. And he's been verbally abusive and physically threatening.

Your sons are right. Don't cave. It's not good for you.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

If he isn't 100% remorseful - in this case he would have to be begging you to take him back - and admitting what he has been up to with this woman, then don't even *think* about listening to his self seeking lies.

Stay strong. Don't accept him back. He is a liar and does not respect you at all.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

believeinlove said:


> I was doing really well and then I heard from husband. He is showing remorse and asked if he could talk about our next steps. I made the mistake of talking to him. He wants to be sure that this is what I want...even though he has been asking for this for so long. He says he is going to have to sign a lease for an apartment, etc. Playing with my head. I should not have taken his call because now I am thinking about possibly giving him one more chance...please tell me I am crazy. * Once on the phone, he started blaming me again. This is the pattern...get me hopeful that he will change and then no change.* My boys came over Monday and spent the day with me. I feel like I would disappoint them so much if I ever took my husband back. He is not their father. Their father and I have such a great relationship. He is remarried to a wonderful woman and we are great coparents to our children. I hope I have the strength to see this through. Any words of encouragement or advice would be welcome...


Tell this to yourself over and over and over anytime you feel yourself wavering. In the end it's your choice, but I think you know that if you take your husband back absolutely nothing is going to change.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

believeinlove said:


> Husband moved out this morning. I made sure he took enough so he doesn't have to return until he is retrieving the rest of his things permanently. He was crying, remorseful and giving the guilt trip that he had no where to go. He admitted that he did not put me as a priority but I told him it was too late and that this is what we have been working through since march of 2012. I heard this many times. Changing locks and getting alarm installed tomorrow. Lots of friends around today. Keeping my chin up. Haven't heard from him and don't expect too. Thanks for the support.


Does she have something on your husband? I'm reading this like wow she has manipulated her way into the family and this person that you thought would never lie is lying, hiding when he hired her and he has communication with her a month before he hired her. He is now manipulating you by threatening divorce to make you deal with it or he will leave type behavior. I'm so sorry but you don't deserve this.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

believeinlove said:


> I am thankful I found this forum as it helped validate that I have to get him out of my life for myself and my kids. Seeing him kicking the door last night and the way he talked to me was the final straw. The support of family and friends is giving me strength. I hope I can keep up the momentum.


It is like the more I read about him, the more he sounds like a check list for sociopath and narcissist. Not one but both of these.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

believeinlove said:


> I was doing really well and then I heard from husband. He is showing remorse and asked if he could talk about our next steps. I made the mistake of talking to him. He wants to be sure that this is what I want...even though he has been asking for this for so long. He says he is going to have to sign a lease for an apartment, etc. Playing with my head. I should not have taken his call because now I am thinking about possibly giving him one more chance...please tell me I am crazy. Once on the phone, he started blaming me again. This is the pattern...get me hopeful that he will change and then no change. My boys came over Monday and spent the day with me. I feel like I would disappoint them so much if I ever took my husband back. He is not their father. Their father and I have such a great relationship. He is remarried to a wonderful woman and we are great coparents to our children. I hope I have the strength to see this through. Any words of encouragement or advice would be welcome...


You are definitely dealing with what is described as a narcissist. The problem with taking him back is he will always play some type of manipulation game to make you feel like you're missing something and this is why he picks the outside person over you but continues to talk like its all in your head. When you became unpredictable and took charge, that made him see that you were strong again. Now he is motivated to suck you back in and break you down again.(control) A grown man that throws a fit because he cant control his wife (u) having common sense and you seeing something just ain't right with his behavior- is a grown man that will always blame others to benefit from whatever rules and boundaries he's trying to break. He just can't justify this one....


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

believeinlove said:


> I was doing really well and then I heard from husband. He is showing remorse and asked if he could talk about our next steps. I made the mistake of talking to him. He wants to be sure that this is what I want...even though he has been asking for this for so long. He says he is going to have to sign a lease for an apartment, etc. Playing with my head. I should not have taken his call because now I am thinking about possibly giving him one more chance...please tell me I am crazy. Once on the phone, he started blaming me again. This is the pattern...get me hopeful that he will change and then no change. My boys came over Monday and spent the day with me. I feel like I would disappoint them so much if I ever took my husband back. He is not their father. Their father and I have such a great relationship. He is remarried to a wonderful woman and we are great coparents to our children. I hope I have the strength to see this through. Any words of encouragement or advice would be welcome...


Remorse in this situation would be to fire the ladies, end all contact with them and hire new folks, for starters. 

I would start to set limits on contact with your husband. In my state I could not legally kick my wife out of the house, nor she me. Having him leave is one great move. Keeping him out in my state would not be legal. He could come back legally in most cases.

You are still torn and we get it. I suspect at least an EA. It is very common for employee to get involved in family matters especially in a small company and become friends with family members. It is very normal.

What I don't understand is his reliance on the D threat over and over again, and his refusal to get rid of the ladies, after so many arguments and the lies.


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Thank you for the posts - it helps. Feeling much stronger and husband wants to move back in but for the wrong reasons. Says he feels like he is homeless and is getting impatient. He is missing the comforts of home vs. me. 

Also, the remorse he was showing was short lived. I completely misread the remorse over kicking in the door. He kept saying that he was sad about it and that he didn't think he had that type of anger in him. That he scared himself for how angry he was and how he flew off the handle. He kept saying he was sad so I thought that he meant about making me fearful. When I asked what he was sad about he said for himself! He was sad that he still had that anger in him. It is always all about him. No apology to me. That snapped me back into reality! 

He. Will. Never. Change.

The kids and I have activities over the next few days which will keep us busy, which is good. I am limiting my contact with him. 

Thanks for the words of encouragement and insight. 

Also - I have a great attorney.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

And where has he been staying?

OWs house?

You might just "drive by" her place this Fri and Sat nights to see whos car is there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

believeinlove said:


> Says he feels like he is homeless and is getting impatient. He is missing the comforts of home vs. me.


Aw, poor baby. That's what happens when you take someone for granted.


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Husband called today and said he was having a bad day. He was very moody. Said he wants to know what is going on and feels in limbo. It has only been a few days for him...try having that for 18 months! He said he wants to come back. I told him that I don't believe that he will change and we would need to redefine our relationship. Before I would reconsider, he would need to discuss and show me how he is going to manage his mood swings and anger, set boundaries, make couple / weekend time a priority, etc. I can't be the one to "tell" him how to do that - he has to want to do that. He said he didn't know that is what he "had to do". He was very irritated. I clarified with him on what he was asking of me. Basically, he wants me to approach my kids about giving him another chance and move back in. He wants me to tell my friends and family that I am giving him another chance without any commitment from him or discussion of what he / we are going to do differently to make this work and have a successful, healthy marriage. I told him that I wanted to be able to have an honest discussion of what was working and what wasn't in our marriage and a full acceptance from both of us of for our part in the failures in our marriage. I wanted a full commitment to change and that no matter how difficult a time we faced that we could never threaten divorce - EVER and he had to live a life of transparency without attitude until I was comfortable. He told me that no one ever told him that he had to put a "plan" together to stay with them and it was ridiculous. I was not surprised by his response as I thought that if he was genuine in wanting to change and save the marriage, that would have happened months ago. I wished him well and said good night before he could get nasty and hung up. I will not take his call tomorrow. The boys and I will be away all weekend, which is good. This conversation and his immaturity gave me great clarity. I am pleased that I have stayed strong this week. Your posts help give me strength. Next week will be tough. No kids and no travel (which means down time) and 9/11 week


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

believeinlove said:


> Your posts help give me strength. Next week will be tough. No kids and no travel (which means down time) and 9/11 week


That's when you come back here. 
There's usually someone here and if not..... re-read those posts that give you strength.

He really just wants to rug sweep doesn't he?
Just go back to how it was...when his life was all comfy and full of cake to eat!

Good on you for having enough self love and self esteem to know your better than the life you've been living.

Stay strong believeinlove


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am really impressed with you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Darlin', you are awesome! 

Be aware that he will probably come back after you have blown him off for a while with a bunch of promises.

Hit him with rule#1 - to begin in the proper spirit of honesty and transparency, he must take a polygraph. 

The fireworks from that ought to be fun. When he eventually relents, you will either get a few last-minute confessions in hopes you will call it off, or a bunch of excuses why he can't do it any of the days available.

When you learn the extent of the relationship, what will you do? Whatever it is, dont tell him. He would use it as an excuse not to take one because "polygraphs are unreliable. If it says I am lying when I'm not, you will divorce me."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like you doing the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Not sure if anyone said this yet...

but maybe you should call this woman's husband? 
I had a friend who was telling me things that were RED FLAGS to me, and I finally told her I think there is cheating involved.

This man, who I am still friend with.. was cheating on my friend. He is the nicest, kindest person and he was having an affair for a year at least. To the point that he went to weddings and public events with this woman and she had clothes at his place. (my friends were engaged not living together)

They worked through it, but he was committed to her and making things work.

It sounds like you think someone "nice" couldn't do this and you keep mentioning there is no way he could have an affair. Why else would he be acting like this?

I would 100% ask the husband of this woman what has been going on, maybe he will get this woman out of your life.


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## believeinlove (Aug 30, 2013)

Update...

Husband moved back in in October and we are going through counseling weekly. We got to the root of our issues and life has been good. Last month, he told me he is considering adding a second shop which I support. I felt good about his including me in that conversation since in the past he kept his work life separate. There is a woman that would be perfect for his shop and they spoke in December. His target was to open the new shop January 1st. Some issues got in the way and I asked him if he spoke to this woman again to get it lined up for when he opens and he said no. Another week goes by and he stopped talking to me about the shop. When I ask he becomes irritated. I sense the pattern of him holding something back. We are scheduled to go on vacation last weekend and the day before we go I find out that she has been working for him for 2 weeks. He did it again!!! Lied to me. I was going to cancel vacation but decided to give the benefit and that he would tell me during our down time. Over the weekend I asked him about it and he said he hadn't talked to her since December and had no idea where she was working. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me!!! He left Sunday and I stayed because I was hosting a work meeting and it gave me time to think. This is the 4th time he has lied to me. There was no need to lie. I was supportive and encouraging him to hire her! I told him Monday that I knew he was lying and I was sad. He apologized and said he didn't know why he did it. He was feeling sorry for himself, etc. I told him that we would work through it if he went to the counselor to figure it out which he agreed. He went to the counselor Wednesday. I was anxious to hear what she said (we have been going to her since the first lie in March 2012) but when he calked he seemed very indifferent. He told me that since we have a joint appointment mi day that he would let the counselor tell me since he would probably mess it up. I was so hurt that he didn't think enough of me to communicate or show remorse. I told him that he needs to fix it. He didn't like that and turned this around on me. Saying that I am hard to talk to, etc. after that call I didn't hear from him all night or Thursday until I calked. He is pissed at me. Saying that he is going to do what he wants, etc. I told him that I didn't asked to be lied too and that he made a conscious choice to lie to my face. It seemed so easy for him and we had the best weekend. Scary!! We were in the hottub and he told me he loved our life and the whole time he was lying to me about this situation. He knows how important this is because if the previous lies and we are still in counseling. I got home tonight and he and I did not speak. Why do I put up with this? I am tired. Please any advise would be helpful!!!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

This is like groundhog day! 

You did so well, then you took him back, now the exact same situation rears its head again. 

Read your thread again. All the advice you have been given still applies. The exact same situation...exact same advice.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What industry is that requires a shop, suggesting some sort of industrial production that must have a woman manager?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well it should be clear to you that you're married to a liar, so if you choose to stay you shouldn't get upset when he lies. You should expect it; if you can't deal with his lying then divorce him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, but I don't see how you think you can get him to change. You let him come home. He doesn't have to do anything. And he won't.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Remains said:


> This is like groundhog day!
> 
> You did so well, then you took him back, now the exact same situation rears its head again.
> 
> Read your thread again. All the advice you have been given still applies. The exact same situation...exact same advice.


⬆⬆⬆ agree 100%

I took the time to re-read this whole thread, no use rehashing the whole thing. Don't ask for advice if you won't follow it. Waste of your time and all the kind people here who took the time to help you out of your miserable marriage.

You need to seek counseling on your own.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

False R. Lying is a deal breaker. Lying about the OW is a serious deal breaker.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Believeinlove, I do not think you are over reacting. I also think that he is having a straight up affair and it may not be his first one. 

I am sorry that you are dealing with this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Probably banging this one too. sad.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

believeinlove said:


> There was no need to lie.


apparently there was. 
time to get to the truth.

good luck.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You gave him a second chance. How many more?


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