# The risk????



## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

For the one betrayer

was the ow/om worth all that you had built up with your companion,to risk losing it all..

Why would you want to stay with your companion after cheating..to me if you risked losing everything by cheating why stay then ???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not a cheater but I do have some insight from talking to many cheaters. Cheaters want it all. They want the OM/OW and they want their spouse.

If you read the book "Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley, he explains it. Say we have 10 needs that have to be filled in order to make us feel loved and happy. No one person can fill all of those needs. So say you fill 7 of your spouse’s needs. Then they find someone who fills the remaining 3 needs. Now your spouse has all 10 of his needs filled. He feels better than he has in years… like a spoiled little boy.

Now why would he want to give that up? That’s why the WS tries so hard to keep the affair secret. Because they want it all. They are being selfish. They have their hands in two cookie jars and the cookie crumbs are all over their face, but they deny and want both.

In your case, with your husband being deployed a good part of the time you cannot fill most of his needs when he’s gone. So he looks for others to fill them. And usually you are filling fewer than the OW is. It puts you at a great disadvantage. This is why military marriages are so hard to maintain.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You keep asking questions that have no bearing on your situation. Because we're not your husband.

In my case, my affair partners ended up being people I liked, and might have enjoyed more of a relationship. But at that point, my wife wasn't someone I enjoyed spending time with anymore. And my marriage was functionally over, and I was just hoping to hold out till the kids weren't at home anymore. That brilliant idea lasted all of about 2 months before I figured out it wasn't going to work.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Pbear===
rather i ask questions or not this is a site for cheating correct..
In my opinion if we don't ask questions how will we ever relate to ourselves or others who may need some help with this situation.
I have on a few times explained my situation.
I've never thought nor believed anyone on here is my husband.
I asked a question for myself ,i was wondering why or what someone thinks..not my husband..
There is no need to be rude ,offend a betrayed spouse for asking a simple question that was just in my mind..
Without us asking questions about this aweful pain this site would not be here to help us.

So even thou i ask questions that dont have a bearing on my situation =what is the issue with me asking a question for myself at all..knowledge is power not only for myself but for others who cross my path to give advice too as well.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

str8insane said:


> was the ow/om worth all that you had built up with your companion,to risk losing it all..


NOPE!!!!



str8insane said:


> Why would you want to stay with your companion after cheating..to me if you risked losing everything by cheating why stay then ???


Because I dearly love my wife - my affair was stupid and selfish and I knew it. It's hard to explain stupid sometimes.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> nope!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Because i dearly love my wife - my affair was stupid and selfish and i knew it. It's hard to explain stupid sometimes.




thank you for your honesty..
Thats why i could never cheat.to me if i ever started to feel i liked someone else then i would leave my relationship.i could not be dishonest to 2 humans for my own selfworth.if you spent time with your partner,you know their feelings,routines,& why you are with them,why bring a stranger into your circle just to have it break up not only your foundation but theirs too..just make a clean break and do what you have too do to see what your missing inside..then maybe you will have closure.


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## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

str8insane said:


> For the one betrayer
> 
> was the ow/om worth all that you had built up with your companion,to risk losing it all..
> 
> Why would you want to stay with your companion after cheating..to me if you risked losing everything by cheating why stay then ???


No, no affair would have ever been worth it. I wish I had never met her, never talked to her never even knew she existed.

And I still want to be able to stay with my STBX because I truly believe she is my soulmate. For me the sun rose and set with her and I struggle daily with how I could have ever betrayed her. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I hope the biggest I ever WILL make in my life.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I hope my ex feels so remorseful ... But I doubt it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

str8insane said:


> Pbear===
> rather i ask questions or not this is a site for cheating correct..
> In my opinion if we don't ask questions how will we ever relate to ourselves or others who may need some help with this situation.
> I have on a few times explained my situation.
> ...


Feel free to ask questions. But you're not likely to get any true insight into your personal situation because none of us are your husband. So you'll get answers that so-and-so felt this way, and someone else felt this way. But none of it is relevant to how your husband felt as he cheated. 

At best, you'll feel a false sense of comfort as someone tells you something that makes you feel better about how they felt. At worst, you'll feel a false sense of pain as someone tells you something else about their situation. 

I do hope you get some help here, I really do. But even if someone tells you something that makes you feel less pain, you need to take it cautiously, as there's no promises that your husband felt the same as the person posting.

And as an FYI, I don't feel I was being particularly rude. Just voicing my thoughts. People will voice thoughts that you may not agree with in an Internet forum, and they're not doing it particularly to hurt you or upset you. 

C


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Thanks to everyone who has gave me advise and hope for myself to stay strong.
I believe my husband knows i have no family to talk too,my beloved ''sister'' took up for my hubby becuz her hubby cheats too and she just ignores it..well i'm not going to end up as she did with a rare female cancer from a std that went untreated..i'm not one to talk face to face about my problems..so when i found this site i sucked up & joined after reading all the posts for weeks.i'm not wanting anyone to figure out why my hubby cheated..only he knows.all i was seeking was some inner questions of my own..thats all.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Why Is The Rose So Pale
by Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

Ah Dearest, canst thou tell me why
The Rose should be so pale?
And why the azure Violet
Should wither in the vale?

And why the Lark should, in the cloud,
So sorrowfully sing?
And why from loveliest balsam-buds
A scent of death should spring?

And why the Sun upon the mead
So chillingly should frown?
And why the Earth should, like a grave,
Be mouldering and brown?

And why is it that I, myself,
So languishing should be?
And why is it, my Heart-of-Hearts,
That thou forsakest me?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Not wanting to project my problems on others, but I'm certain that my ex stayed in our "relationship" simply for financial reasons.
The reason I know this is that two years after the divorce, she was asking to come back because the two guys she had seen after we split no longer wanted her after helping her lose the spoils of the court proceeding.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

str8insane said:


> Thanks to everyone who has gave me advise and hope for myself to stay strong.
> I believe my husband knows i have no family to talk too,my beloved ''sister'' took up for my hubby becuz her hubby cheats too and she just ignores it..well i'm not going to end up as she did with a rare female cancer from a std that went untreated..i'm not one to talk face to face about my problems..so when i found this site i sucked up & joined after reading all the posts for weeks.i'm not wanting anyone to figure out why my hubby cheated..only he knows.all i was seeking was some inner questions of my own..thats all.


Like you I'm on these boards seeking answers and insight.I'm a BS who chose to end my marriage and actually moved out of province immediately.Posts from betrayed and betrayer help me in many ways to understand the person I've become over the years.A person I'm not comfortable with.Lots of men in my generation aren't prone to complete and honest self-examination as more often than naught it requires some type of feed back.To sit and discuss personal and emotional issues face to face,was never an option due to the norms of my life.Men just didn't do that.The availability and anonymity of sites like TAM offer me a starting point and real insights and information as I start my long overdue self -examination.

I'm grateful for you and all the posters for asking the questions you do,as a lot of the replies may not only help you but also others such as myself.

Hope you find your answers and keep posting.


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