# Hello



## allanb (Nov 29, 2019)

Hi All, 

I'm Allan and living in the UK, a kind person gave me this link so I'd though I'd give it a go. I am a Father of three beautiful kids boy 8, girl 11 and boy 13. Married for 12 years. Exactly a month a go I was asking the wife about putting pebbles out the front of the house. She was quite obnoxious answering and her face was the all too usual sneery sort of look. I told her she was so rude and that there's no point in us being married if we couldn't even engage in a basic conversation. Anyway it ended up with me saying the marriage is on notice. It was a trigger point for the inevitable. From that it emerged she loved someone else and was probably having an affair for a number of months. Suprise suprise - I busted her. During that time I was working around the house and had paid £100k for an extension. 

This sort of thing had been carrying on for some time - years. Not quite as bad as that instance but the general lack of any support whatsoever, always taking everyone's side but mine even if it was in the best interests of the family. It came out of it that when I said that it never felt like our marriage was the priority she essentially admitted that the kids came first, and I would add her Mother - so was third in line. There in lies the issue. Five years ago I think this was realised by myself as I had told her that I loved here as the Mother of my children. At that stage I knew that we would never be the loving husband and wife that we should have been. We hardly had any intimacy, and she slept in different beds because we both snored and figured it was better to get sleep. On holiday she did want to get intimate but I was not interested. How can you get intimate with someone who treats you third rate? She would change from one minute to the next and it felt like I was always was walking on eggshells. Not once did we talk about anything difficult - she seemed to take offence. She demanded attention and to be a priority and yet never offered the same. Looking back it seems the marriage could never have lasted based on the fact it was not the priority. So I am not surprised in the fact we are now lawyered up and are negotiating a divorce. There was an offer to go to counselling but she rejected it. 

Anyway it's difficult and sad at the house. In order to stop things degenerating I agreed to treat her like a flatmate and she could do what ever she wanted. Recently it has been a matter of wrestling with some dark thoughts. 

We have agreed to tell the Kids on Sunday night. It's going to be the worst. We have agreed to be amicable but the hatred is bubbling underneath and it's a real challenge to keep it at bay. 10 years of support as a stay at home Mother working away to earn extra money, making incredible sacrifices to build a stable future - it's all come crashing down. Making the house nice for the family. Seem like it was all built on sand. What a fool I was to marry this woman in the first place. It's going to kill me to tell the kids and especially my beautiful little boy, that Dad may be leaving we will probably sell up and undergo significant change. Life changes so quickly. Merry Christmas eh.

Sorry to go on so long...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM, @allanb Do you think is is already cheating on you?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry, but if it wasn't Christmas, it would be another important date, the thing will be important to you is to care for yourself first and this way you can care for the children. An unappreciated spouse takes all joy from the soul.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Don't assume that you can't have custody of the kids --- you already make it seem like you will HAVE to move out of the house. At the very least you should make sure you specify that she can't introduce her AP to the kids until AFTER you divorce (at LEAST till then).
You should SELL the house and split it. Make sure your lawyer is agressive enough to protect yourself and your kids, esp. since she is cheating on you. Make sure your family, hers and your friends KNOW that she is cheating or she will re-write your marital history to make it seem like YOU are the bad guy and the reason for your Divorce.
BTW, your kids WILL find out that she has been cheating, so make sure that you don't lie to them -- just explain in age-specific fashion "Mommy has a boyfriend and you are NOT supposed to do that when you are married"
VERY sorry you are going through this.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

allanb said:


> On holiday she did want to get intimate but I was not interested. How can you get intimate with someone who treats you third rate? She would change from one minute to the next and it felt like I was always was walking on eggshells.





> I agreed to treat her like a flatmate and she could do what ever she wanted. Recently it has been a matter of wrestling with some dark thoughts.
> 
> Eh?


Eh?....Aye!

You say the wife is now a flatmate. I beg to differ on your terminology.
She is not flat surfaced, she is a prikly cactus.

I agree, it is hard to get intimate with one so sharply defined!
Ah, and those nag-shells, yes, those keep one flair-triggered. 

By not sleeping with her she has found herself another Pullman Sleeper, another man to take this one off your hands. 

I suspect her affair timetable began many more months, maybe years ago. 

That is why she treated you poorly while committing her grockels. 
She had another face up her sleeve. 
She has been a dodgy mate.

While, it may appear that all went to pot, it will have out a brilliant ending .
All is not lost, this will end-up a found, a fond future.

Why?

She wrestled herself out of your life. 
She did you a favor.
Albeit too slowly.


----------



## allanb (Nov 29, 2019)

Yes, she has admitted it. Last night she told me it was with step brother. It's turning into Jerry Springer. The knives just keep getting plunged in. I don't want to leave the kids nor become vengeful or bitter so have just enjoyed the days and gone out with kids to do Xhritmas stuff. Am going to get divorced next year but its a complicated set of affairs.


----------



## allanb (Nov 29, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Don't assume that you can't have custody of the kids --- you already make it seem like you will HAVE to move out of the house. At the very least you should make sure you specify that she can't introduce her AP to the kids until AFTER you divorce (at LEAST till then).
> You should SELL the house and split it. Make sure your lawyer is agressive enough to protect yourself and your kids, esp. since she is cheating on you. Make sure your family, hers and your friends KNOW that she is cheating or she will re-write your marital history to make it seem like YOU are the bad guy and the reason for your Divorce.
> BTW, your kids WILL find out that she has been cheating, so make sure that you don't lie to them -- just explain in age-specific fashion "Mommy has a boyfriend and you are NOT supposed to do that when you are married"
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


Thanks for your thoughts jig. I am considering how to have custody of the kids. Practically it's impossible as I can't look after them while at work. Hard to fight some serious demons of retribution but it will only destroy me. Will ask if she has already introduced to kids. It's been known by her sister and Mother. Now the guy who cooked at our wedding is the AP. Messy as hell. Thinking of splitting the house we own another investment property I setup solely. All that effort turns out that she will get half.


----------



## allanb (Nov 29, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Eh?....Aye!
> 
> You say the wife is now a flatmate. I beg to differ on your terminology.
> She is not flat surfaced, she is a prikly cactus.
> ...


Agree in some way its is a favour, but financially a disaster. So many options and they all mean I pay out lose home and daily life with kids. It kills me. Saying that no point in looking back will adjust and hopefully eventually meet someone with whom mutual respect is shared.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Now, back to your issues.

Money is always an issue. 
What's new?

Happiness is a better one to concentrate on. 

What choice have ya?

A 'rosier' future beats out the present, gray and clouded one, every time.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is.....

Her getting half and maintaining half is not a promised thing. That will be your retribution.

We do not live on our assets, we live on our incomes.

She will be worse off than you, some years, some tears, down the road and down her face.


----------

