# Looking for advice...



## Philly8 (Mar 16, 2010)

My wife moved out with our son just after Thanksgiving last year. Starting back in May, she was spending some time living with a friend, but when she stayed here she slept in bed with me, etc...

I found out (with pictures) that she slept with someone over July 4th. She says we were "separated" at the time, but I refuse to admit that since she didnt move out until the end of November. Am I wrong in thinking that?

Oh, and just to add...we havent had sex since ohhh I'd say Feb 09.

Now she is dating another man. Neither of us have filed for divorce. We are just "separated" since we aren't currently living together. I am having such a hard time wondering how she would be dating while she is still married. I couldnt imagine myself doing that.

That being said, I am the one who is trying to save our marriage. She has given me small bits of hope from time to time that she may be interested at SOME point, but I don't see how her dating someone else is supposed to give me any sort of hope.

I'm not the worlds best talker, so I'm trying to figure out how to best explain how her actions are hurting me and how I'm still not giving up on us, but not push her farther away at the same time by making her angry at me.

Any help would be appreciated.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Her actions clearly say she's done. File for divorce. If she is serious at all she needs to act that way.. If not you're just being strung along. oh and get out of philly!!!! hahahaha (sorry for philly jab)


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## Philly8 (Mar 16, 2010)

63Vino said:


> Her actions clearly say she's done. File for divorce. If she is serious at all she needs to act that way.. If not you're just being strung along. oh and get out of philly!!!! hahahaha (sorry for philly jab)


Don't be hating on Philly! 

Anyways, I know what her actions are saying, but silly old me still believes there is part of her that isn't done. That's why I'm trying to find how to best communicate with her my feelings about her dating and such.

I'm quite aware that the majority of our problems were my fault. I have always been a great father, but sucked as a husband. I'm trying to show her that I can be the husband she needs me to be (and that I WANT to be), but it's hard to do without having her here to see it first hand.

I just refuse to believe it's too late. I still love her with all my heart and I'm not ready to give up yet. Delusional? Maybe, but I've still got some fight left in me.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Philly8,

Listen to 63Vino and file for divorce. As it is now you are giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. Stop being a "nice guy" and start being a dominant man. Get in control of yourself and your environment. Focus on you and your children. It may not seem it right now but that is how you will "fight" for your w. Filing shows her that you are a man. That she has crossed a boundary that, no matter how much you love her, she much feel the repercussions of doing so. You might even have to divorce her for her to see her fault.

Work on you -- that is all you can do. And follow these rules that someone else posted:

[Copyrighted content removed by request of copyright holder http://www.divorcebusting.com/]


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That's a terrific list FA! I wish that I would have had that a year ago...

Philly...FA's advice is sound. Let her come to you and have to set time table. It could take many months and/or years if she is going to come around. Many times, if they do, we aren't wanting to "play" anymore.


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## Philly8 (Mar 16, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> That's a terrific list FA! I wish that I would have had that a year ago...
> 
> Philly...FA's advice is sound. Let her come to you and have to set time table. It could take many months and/or years if she is going to come around. Many times, if they do, we aren't wanting to "play" anymore.


yeah Im certainly trying to give her some space and not come off as pushy or needy. I'm hoping once she's out doing her thing she realizes what she's missing and rethinks her intentions. I'm trying to be as patient as possible but its HARD.


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## sicksicksick (Mar 7, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Philly8,
> 
> Listen to 63Vino and file for divorce. As it is now you are giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. Stop being a "nice guy" and start being a dominant man. Get in control of yourself and your environment. Focus on you and your children. It may not seem it right now but that is how you will "fight" for your w. Filing shows her that you are a man. That she has crossed a boundary that, no matter how much you love her, she much feel the repercussions of doing so. You might even have to divorce her for her to see her fault.
> 
> ...


Great list but are you sure about number 6?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree with the philosophy of the list. It sounds cruel at times, and maybe on some level it is, but it's the correct approach to take. You can't coddle her - she's not a daughter. She is supposed to be your wife.

In fact I am going to read it again and try to use it as a reference for some conundrums I am working on with kids and dating and feeling guilty when I am out on a date and feeling guilty that I am not with the gf when I am with the kids.


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