# Caught having a text affair



## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm sure this happens a lot, from what I see on google...but I have ruined my life, and the life of the woman I love more than anything.
A few months ago I was on a flight and noticed a woman. I was traveling with a guy who heard her name boarding right after her.
2 weeks ago, I google searched her, and sent an email to someone I thought might be her....just saying hello. I pretended to be someone else (I guess she was talking to a guy on the plane), and she responded...happy to hear from 'him'.
Last week I was on a 3 day trip alone, and made the huge mistake of texting her. This lasted 2 days, and I felt really guilty and just stopped. Little did I know my wife already knew, and had seen the texts.
Day 2 was just chat, but day one was filthy sex chat.
I really don't know why I did it, I don't find the woman attractive. I think I just wanted to see if I could get away with it. I was WRONG.

My wife is crushed. She cannot stop crying.
I am home now and am trying to give her space, but keep telling her if we can talk, I am here whenever she is ready.
We have 3 children at home, and I cannot believe what I have done to them and their wonderful mother.
I sat the oldest kids down when I got back and told them what I had done...that was very hard, but I deserve pain.
I booked a counseling session, and I will go, not sure if she will join me.
I have done a terrible thing to the most wonderful woman alive.
She is my heart, my soul, my best friend...and I kicked her in the teeth with my stupidity.
I hope our past 13 years will help us get through this, but I don't know. I am so worried for her right now, and love her so much.
I don't know what I need, besides a good beating, but I will start with the counseling.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

And does she know what you did to the woman? Pretending to be someone else? I think if she knew that, like you would never have a chance with this woman because in person she'd realize she was duped...

You have some serious issues, getting caught is the least of them.

I don't want to go so far as to say sociopathic, but really. You don't play party games with real people's lives. 

It sounds like you might have a problem with alcohol or something, or at the very least with impulse control.

Going to counseling is a good thing. You should definitely do that, and explain about the duping and overhearing someone's conversation and flirting, and taking advantage of someone's personal information given in confidence but publicly overheard, and then pretending to be someone you weren't and in a sexual way. The poor woman, what if this other guy did get in touch with her. Can you imagine the kind of misunderstanding you may have caused? At the very least tell her it's not the guy, and apologize.
(And have your wife witness this so she know's you're not messing around again with someone's sexuality and connection and trust.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to figure out why you did this. Until you do there is no way you can affair proof your marriage. And don't blame it on any issues in your marriage or with your wife.

What other odd things similar to this have you done in the past? It's hard to believe that you did this out of the blue.. one time only.

How did your wife find all of this out. It sounds to me like she was watching you.. like she has reason to not trust you.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

No, I don't have a drug or alcohol issue, and I did not set out to hurt anyone, although that obviously was the result.
I have texted girls before, but ones I was dating, before I met my wife...none since.
I don't know what I was doing. I know the results.
I never meant to hurt either of them, but forgive me if all of my concern falls on my wife right now.
Oh, and my wife, upon finding the texts, contacted the other woman, so she is well aware of everything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Both of you should read it and do what the book says to do.

Have you given your wife the passwords to all of your online accounts, your computer, your cell phone?


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Ive been looking at that book, as well as many others available.
She has always had all passwords to all accounts, and can readily check any device. The sad thing is, now Ive given her reason to.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, if I'm understanding, you saw a woman months ago & went out of your way to get her name, which you remembered. Then you spent time googling to try to find a matching phone number. Then you contacted her under a false name and texted her for two days, one of which consisted of 'filthy chats.' And the woman isn't even attractive (??).

This isn't something that just happens. This unfolded over several months & was something you thought about and pursued. It wasn't just an impulse. (I'm sure some of it was, but only in small parts.) 

How honest have you been with your W about how all of this happened?

I can say that if I were your W, I would fear that you have been doing things like this for a long time & that she has only now caught you. (Is this true?)

I would fear that you've had physical affairs. (Have you?)

I would fear that I simply will never be able to trust you.

I would fear that if we try to work things out, that you will be a repeat offender. (Would you be?)

I would want to know what possessed you? How could you betray your marriage and vows?

Your W is probably heartbroken and being driven crazy by all of these unknowns.

It's just me no doubt, but if I were she, I wouldn't want you holding back trying to give me space. I would want you to explain, beg, apologize.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You say you didn't find the other woman attractive, yet you stalked her on the internet after learning her name. If she wasn't attractive to you, and you never spoke to her on the plane - what were you doing?

It just seems weird... actually VERY weird. 

You need to find out why you did what you did.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of the big issues you are going to have is that you travel a lot. It's almost impossible to regain trust for a spouse who cheated while traveling .. as long as he/she still travels.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> I'm sure this happens a lot, from what I see on google...but I have ruined my life, and the life of the woman I love more than anything.
> A few months ago I was on a flight and noticed a woman. I was traveling with a guy who heard her name boarding right after her.
> 2 weeks ago, I google searched her, and sent an email to someone I thought might be her....just saying hello. I pretended to be someone else (I guess she was talking to a guy on the plane), and she responded...happy to hear from 'him'.
> Last week I was on a 3 day trip alone, and made the huge mistake of texting her. This lasted 2 days, and I felt really guilty and just stopped. Little did I know my wife already knew, and had seen the texts.
> ...


Tell me, do you suffer from any kind of compulsive behavior? Something is definitely not right with your story. We're not talking about someone that you've had the opportunity to run into and exchange numbers with. You searched for her based on information that you had and then contacted her with a false identity. That last bit is the most troubling to me. I don't think it was simply a case of maintaining a degree of detachment. You probably, whether consciously or unconsciously, understood that this woman would probably be put off with your CIA-esque rundown, and rightly so. That kind of behavior is not healthy.

I had a friend in college that, when he would see a girl that caught his eye while we were out, would copy down their license plate, presumably to do a search on it. Have you ever found yourself exhibiting behavior like that?

Whatever the case, I feel that this is beyond simply a matter of initiating an EA, which is bad enough. I think it's also a warning of behavioral issue that either you've had for a while and haven't recognized, or are coming into now. Either way, I recommend some definite IC in addition to MC, should you be so lucky that your poor wife doesn't tell you to ****** off. I wish you luck.

- JM


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Let me answer some of these pending questions.

"So, if I'm understanding, you saw a woman months ago & went out of your way to get her name, which you remembered. Then you spent time googling to try to find a matching phone number. Then you contacted her under a false name and texted her for two days, one of which consisted of 'filthy chats.' And the woman isn't even attractive (??).
Correct. To me, she is not. I know it sounds nuts, but u=it is what it is.

This isn't something that just happens. This unfolded over several months & was something you thought about and pursued. It wasn't just an impulse. (I'm sure some of it was, but only in small parts.) 

How honest have you been with your W about how all of this happened? I have told her everything, and she has seen every correspondence.

I can say that if I were your W, I would fear that you have been doing things like this for a long time & that she has only now caught you. (Is this true?) She thinks it may be, it is not.

I would fear that you've had physical affairs. (Have you?) NO. I have never been with another woman since meeting my wife.

I would fear that I simply will never be able to trust you.

I would fear that if we try to work things out, that you will be a repeat offender. (Would you be?) I may not personally recover from this devastating event...I have learned a lesson that I will have all of my life. No, I will never do something so stupid again.

I would want to know what possessed you? How could you betray your marriage and vows? As do I

Your W is probably heartbroken and being driven crazy by all of these unknowns. Yes she is, and I am very worried about her.

It's just me no doubt, but if I were she, I wouldn't want you holding back trying to give me space. I would want you to explain, beg, apologize." I am doing that as well, when we get to talk. I'm trying to walk the fine line of giving her space, and trying to explain.

I'm not sure if "stalking" is the right term. I sent her an email, and she never crossed my mind until she responded. I never searched for her but once, I did not get her number until she emailed me. I have no idea where she lives etc.
No, I do not now, nor have I ever suffered from any compulsive behavior. 
The woman KNEW about my "CIA-esque rundown" how do you think she know how I found her.
No to the license plate search...never done that.
I agree I have to find out why I did what I did, counseling starts this week. Regardless of what my wife chooses to do (and I hope so much she stays with me), I will solve whatever issue I have.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sometimes people start threads here either upon request of the BS or to prove something to the BS that he/she then reads.

Your thread sounds a bit like your W is reading it. Is she?

If she is aware and reading, please let us know. If this is just yours at the moment, it makes a difference in the assumptions and comments people make and the advice they give.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

That would add to the deception I have already created.
No, I am doing this alone. I have thought about sharing it with her, so there are NO secrets...but I am trying to get some answers as I am VERY confused.
I may share it with her someday, and will be bringing it up with the councilor, but for now, I am alone.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> I'm trying to walk the fine line of giving her space, and trying to explain.


The problem is that you will never be able to explain to your W's satisfaction. You will only be able to apologize and make amends.

What explanation can you give that would satisfy the horrible questions and doubt that she now has? This is the crux of it and the challenge for you.

She's feeling very painful cognitive dissonance. Her brain is screaming at her, asking how the man that she loves, the father of her children, the man who has professed his love for her and created a home and family with, would even want to talk to another woman like that. 

Perhaps if you seriously considered having the shoe on the other foot & asking yourself how you would feel, what thoughts would go through your head, you might get a sense of her thoughts right now. If you take the time to seriously imagine your W getting enthralled enough by another man to engage in intimate, secret conversation with him, then try to feel how you would feel physically and emotionally, you might have an idea of how to start with her. 

You need to begin addressing the feelings about the betrayal.

If your answers here are honest, then you behaved strangely and dysfunctionally. This fact alone might tempt your W to sympathize with you somewhat.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

There may be a job opening out there as a shock jock where you can make prnak phone calls, and I guess texts, as part of your job description...... but then looked at what happen when 2 from Australia did it with the Royal family in London.

First question, how old are you? As teenagers, we used to do that phone thing to see how long we could keep a conversation going under false pretences. 

Fortunately, these days, there is caller ID and for my own protection, I insist that the caller identify themselves before a real conversation started. At one time, I went out with a guy who didn't respect my need for personal security, and well, one time I hung the phone on him.

I am as baffled as the other posters here. You're doing what we used to do as kids. but you're an adult and supposedly a mature one with wife, kids, a job traveling, so the company must have faith in you..... and yet you still get a thrill out of tracking someone down, someone not even attractive to you to sext. It defies belief.

But I leave you with this one piece of advice. Do not think that telling your wife that this woman wasn't even physically attractive to you. Not only will she not believe, but it really digs the knife in. since you've just shut down one possible excuse for your childishness.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Oh, I have put the shoe on the other foot, and it sickens me more. Those thoughts were why I cut the chat off. My guilt woke me up...albeit a bit late.
Im not sure how, or IF I will ever regain her trust, and what is a marriage without trust.
This all comes down on me. I did this. I threw a wrench into a perfectly good machine. I let her down. I hurt the person I care for the most.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> There may be a job opening out there as a shock jock where you can make prnak phone calls, and I guess texts, as part of your job description...... but then looked at what happen when 2 from Australia did it with the Royal family in London. Sure...that applies..?
> 
> First question, how old are you? As teenagers, we used to do that phone thing to see how long we could keep a conversation going under false pretences. 47
> 
> ...


Im not sure what to tell you. I have been totally honest here. What I get from the people on this board will not save my marriage, and it SURE won't make me feel better.
I am giving the truth, trying to find out how to continue in the best interest of my wife.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I would fear that you've had physical affairs. (Have you?)


:iagree:

You said you have texted women before...before you met your wife over 13 years ago? I get the feeling you are full of sh!t. Texting wasn't that big 13 years ago, I highly doubt this.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, so you're here not to try to save your marriage, but to best help your W?

I can tell that you know how badly you have messed up. And I believe that you love her very much.

Here's what a woman would say to why you stopped what you were doing. You say it was the guilt. Your W would scream at that. She wants you to understand her pain. This is why I urged you to put the shoe on the other foot. If you don't really, really feel her pain & not just because she's crying, then you will not understand how to help her and yourself.

People always say that you can't understand the pain of betrayal until it happens to you. I believe that this is true - as it is with so many very difficult things in life. The best you can do is try to empathize. So, imagine that your W is away with family for a weekend & you notice a chat on one of her accounts that she is having with a man you don't know. It's a very personal, heated, sexual chat. She wants him. She's not thinking at all about you or your family. Her head and heart are wrapped up in him.

Until you do the best you can to understand the pain of this revelation for her you won't begin to get her back emotionally.

It can't be guilt that you feel. It has to be pain.

You definitely need the counseling that you have arranged. This was essentially a cheating aneurysm and very odd. Trying to understand the 'why' is critical, I would think.

As for what to do at home to help your W. I don't think standing back is a good idea. I think she needs to see you as abject. She feels rejected and humiliated and traumatized. You need to let her know quite openly all the time that you know you effed up and will do literally anything to help her heal.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

I guess I should have clarified..it was in a program called ICQ, which was the rage back then. 
Back when Altavista was THE search engine.
I have never had a physical affair.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> OK, so you're here not to try to save your marriage, but to best help your W?
> 
> I can tell that you know how badly you have messed up. And I believe that you love her very much.
> 
> ...


This is very helpful. Thank you.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

For never having done any of this before you moved really fast. And your wife caught you really fast. It just doesn't add up to me. You went into filthy sex chat on day one of texting, that is really fast for someone you didn't know at all. And your wife looking into your texting says to me that she was suspicious of you, probably because you've done this more than once.

Just throwing my opinion out there. Unless you come out with the truth no one can help you and your wife will not be able to recover from this. Good luck.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

What I have posted IS the truth.
I realize people posting on topics such as this are not to be believed, but I have nothing left but the truth. Why would I lie here?
My wife isn't seeing this, and BSing to make myself feel better makes no sense. I want to fix my marriage.
Yes it happened fast. It went in a few hours from "nice to meet you" to porn. But that IS what happened. I was surprised myself.

The reason she caught me is I was using an i-device...the account on that, and the one at home she had share everything. So the texts came up on both.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you confide in friends or family, everyone will have the same reaction: 'What the h3ll were you thinking?'

Any you will shake your head in shame and wonder and say, 'I don't know. God knows. I really don't know.'

But you were thinking something. That is guaranteed. And THAT is what your W wants to know. Trickle truths to spare her or simple head shaking will absolutely not do. You have to go back over the last few months & be honest about what you were thinking, from the moment you saw this woman on the plane to the feelings and thoughts you had as you texted. You have to put words to those thoughts.

So, what were you thinking? What went through your mind when you first saw the OW?


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> If you confide in friends or family, everyone will have the same reaction: 'What the h3ll were you thinking?'
> 
> Any you will shake your head in shame and wonder and say, 'I don't know. God knows. I really don't know.'
> 
> ...


I'd rather not share that, because it is insulting. She is a large woman.
I don't know if it was trying to get away with something or what it was. I wouldst give her my number, chat was limited to ipod, and I cut it off on the second day. I don't know if perhaps I had achieved what I'd set out to do, or the guilt eating at me did it.
Yes, anyone I share this with would slap me with a stick if they were closer.
I truly hope the counseling answers these questions.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The point is, Harleyx, anything in your thought process that takes it out of the realm of romantic/sexual threat to your W is something you want to identify and tell her about. She can perhaps handle a mean-spirited (?) impulse on your part, but she can't handle an honest threat to your intimacy.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

I understand, and have told her that it was more of a game than anything... She now thinks I am more sick than if I DID want this woman.
There is a sick side to that, I know. And why I chose now in life, with everything going great to be an internet sicko is baffling me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Listen to Alte Dame.
Why that woman? I mean, you toke the effort to trace her so you chat. What made you believe she'd go for it. There are thousands potential OWs outhere. Many advertise themselves in certain sites.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

No matter what the underlying motivation is, your original post is correct - you have done serious damage to your marriage. You have altered the landscape; you don't know yet in what way exactly or how much, but it won't be the same. It will take some time for all of you to accept that.

I'm not sure what it says about us as human beings, but it is easier to handle the idea that you have some sort of emotional/psychological dysfunction than it is to grasp willful betrayal.

Ironically, you have a better chance of receiving forgiveness from your W if you acted like a pervert, so to speak. Having said that, it's extremely disorienting for her. She has to reorder her image of you & at the same time try to figure out if she should throw you out or get you help.

So...keep apologizing, keep helping, and make sure you tell the counselor the whole truth.

From the female perspective, I would be actively reorganizing my thoughts and plans for the future. Be aware that your W will be on an emotional seesaw. You should be, too, since you have no idea why you did what you did. Try to roll with it & no matter what, keep talking to her.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

I know there HAS to be a reason. Was it just because I heard her name on a flight? I doubt it. But I do know I have no romantic interest in this woman at all.
I've never been one to know where these "certain sites" may be, nor do I care. When I was single, I never had a problem meeting or talking to any woman I wanted. I have always been a very outgoing happy individual, and dated many women before meeting the perfect lady I married.
My body physically aches with the pain I have caused her. I know i deserve to hurt, but she does not. I wish I could make it stop.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> I know there HAS to be a reason. Was it just because I heard her name on a flight? I doubt it. But I do know I have no romantic interest in this woman at all.
> I've never been one to know where these "certain sites" may be, nor do I care. When I was single, I never had a problem meeting or talking to any woman I wanted. I have always been a very outgoing happy individual, and dated many women before meeting the perfect lady I married.
> My body physically aches with the pain I have caused her. I know i deserve to hurt, but she does not. I wish I could make it stop.


I'm always fascinated by the double-edged sword that we deal with as a matter of course re love and lust. Women hear ad infinitum and ad nauseum that men can easily separate sex from love. At the same time, men say they are offering their love via sex & that their wives should understand that. Women, for their part, try to accept that their husbands lust after other women's bodies, but desperately want to believe that the sex is really just for them & is actually a sign of romance.

So, your W has the same problems with reconciling these things that all women have. She knows that you're a healthy man and you notice other women. She thought the actual sex and intimacy was reserved for her. You don't have romantic thoughts for the OW, but you feel/felt lust & you crossed the intimacy line with your behavior.

We are all very fragile in trying to hold these cognitively dissonant ideas about sex and romance in our heads. The dissonance is what is torturing your W now.

I'm not trying to hound you. I'm actually trying to work some things out in my own head probably. Just saying that telling your W that you have no romantic feelings for the OW will not help. You have to explain the lust and why it suddenly manifested itself the way it did. You crossed that careful truce line that women create for themselves to understand that men can have lust for any beautiful woman, but real love for only them. Your job now is to allay her doubts about your love for her.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

I know my words (such as they are) mean nothing. I know to her they mean the same.
I can't explain it to myself, and that makes it hard to explain to her.
I DID cross the intimacy line, the build was instant and very quick, and died just as rapidly.
I know the counseling will give me some answers, and I look forward to that, as I am sure my wife does as well.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Thanks to a suggestion here, I am now on page 18 of 'Surviving an Affair'...and have found this:

"People who derive pleasure from flirting may also have emotionless affairs. Their challenge is to attract someone of the opposite sex. They may not intend the flirting to lead to lovemaking; they may just want to see a willingness to make love, proving their ability to attract a lover. If flirting leads to sex, that usually ends the relationship."

THAT feel like ME!

It says the flirt then moves on to someone else.
I haven't done this before, and SURE don't want to again given the grief Ive caused. But it will be nice to take something into my session.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> I know my words (such as they are) mean nothing. I know to her they mean the same.
> I can't explain it to myself, and that makes it hard to explain to her.
> I DID cross the intimacy line, the build was instant and very quick, and died just as rapidly.
> I know the counseling will give me some answers, and I look forward to that, as I am sure my wife does as well.


Good luck with your counseling. Your words will mean something to your wife. Perhaps the counselor will help you understand enough so that your wife can understand.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

First counseling session went almost 1 hour over, and was very difficult.
It was also an incredible eye opener for me.
We've scheduled another within the week. I don't want to miss any opportunity to make her well


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Harleyx - good luck with the counseling. What you did is very bizarre. Stalking and flirting with a woman you don't even think is attractive and you had no interest? That is compulsive behaviour. It's like you HAD to do it. You need to find out why so it does not happen again with worse results.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

According to the counselor, you are WAY off, and I am glad this is so.

Stop trying to point fingers. if you want to help try to actually help. What you are doing could be very harmful if someone does not seek assistance.
You use words like stalking and compulsive like you know what they mean...and you clearly do not.
I do have some unresolved issues, and you know none of them.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> According to the counselor, you are WAY off, and I am glad this is so.
> 
> Stop trying to point fingers. if you want to help try to actually help. What you are doing could be very harmful if someone does not seek assistance.
> You use words like stalking and compulsive like you know what they mean...and you clearly do not.
> I do have some unresolved issues, and you know none of them.


Well please accept my apology, I was not trying to harm you. I only have your description of what you did as background and you asked for opinions and my opinion was you need individual counselling. To me, it seems very strange behaviour. Not normal. 

Again - good luck with the counselling.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> According to the counselor, you are WAY off, and I am glad this is so.
> 
> Stop trying to point fingers. if you want to help try to actually help. What you are doing could be very harmful if someone does not seek assistance.
> You use words like stalking and compulsive like you know what they mean...and you clearly do not.
> I do have some unresolved issues, and you know none of them.


No offense but how is tracking down a complete stranger via the internet not stalking? If I were in the shoes of that woman or your wife, I would be very freaked out - at best.

If it isn't stalking or compulsive, what did the counselor say it is?


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

A one time One contact...impulsive. Lacking, or thought of lacking in the marriage. 
Stalking shows persistence. I sent 1 email that wasn't followed up.
I wanted to flirt, and once she responded to the positive, I was done.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> A one time One contact...impulsive. Lacking, or thought of lacking in the marriage.
> Stalking shows persistence. I sent 1 email that wasn't followed up.
> I wanted to flirt, and once she responded to the positive, I was done.


Impulsive implies something you did in the spur of the moment without really thinking. But you described how, based upon only seeing her on the plane and hearing her name, you searched the internet for her contact details and then contacted her. A little too much thought going on there to be truly impulsive. Impulsive would have been chasing her off the plane and exchanging emails.

I don't want to start an argument, but the way you described things certainly gave a different impression to many people.

Anyway, that's the last I'll post on this thread. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you. I really mean that.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Sounds like you have a clear vision of what was going on in my head...as incorrect as it might be. 
What I did took less than 5 minutes, and a LOT less thought than you can imagine.
Was it cruel to the OW, sure. Again, I only care about my wife and her feelings now.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Back again after a 3 day lull...
As mentioned, counseling went well (including an extra hour), and really seemed to help us both.
Then the next day my wife took our youngest to exchange xmas gifts with a friend and their son. She suddenly decided to stay overnight and had a 'drinking/counseling' session with her friend and her husband.
Now, part of the issue with our REAL counselor was the amount of 'outside sex' in our lives. My wife has taken a shine to porn and the like. She told us to cut it all out immediately.
So, as soon as we got home, I deleted everything...and I mean EVERYTHING. There is not a stitch of the stuff left.
SO, about her alternative counselors;
They are members of a few swingers clubs, and have TWO AFF memberships...one for them to meet couples, and one just for her to meet men.
He lets and arranges for her to have boyfriends, and they have tried to get us to come to one of the clubs, and join their lifestyle.
Oh, and he has HUGE crush on my wife. Has said aloud he would "do her" in a minute.

Now of course, my wife has been aloof ever since coming home, and any talk that started is done.
I believe any progress we had made has been derailed by these people.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

I guess everyone has moved on to the next sad sack..)

Anyway, we've been working hard, and thanks to a very understanding wife, I think we are going to be OK.
I know she is far more than I deserve, but I am going to work hard to earn her love and trust again.
I valuable lesson was learned by me...and not a minute goes by that I don't kick myself and get the horrors at what I did. 
Best of luck to all.


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## lonewolf8545 (Jan 12, 2013)

How did she find the texts? If it was a one time thing it must have been a fluke or she had her radar going, not totally trusting you about something. 

Seriously, how did she find it? I think something like this happened before.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

You would be wrong.

As mentioned on pg 2, we have linked i-devices. What is typed on one, appears on the other.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm glad things are better.

I think people didn't comment because the added info about the swinging friends and your porn habits complicated the picture.

I hope you will stay hyper-aware and sensitive to the fact that your W had her world shaken by your pursuing another woman, even if only via texting. People don't get over these things quickly, if ever.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

Counselor says 2 years for sure, I know it may be longer.
We have a long road ahead, and I give her FULL credit for all of the work she has done for us so far.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Harleyx said:


> She suddenly decided to stay overnight and had a 'drinking/counseling' session with her friend and her husband.
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


You have no chance at recovery if she is out drinking and spending the night with swingers. 

Don't be dense. You know he did her already. They need to be out of her life, or she needs to get out of yours. Make that her choice.


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

He didn't "do her already"...cripes. Cynical much?
I have more faith in her than that.
Besides, he knows I would come down on him like hellfire if he tried..)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

But Acoa is right that you shouldn't be playing with fire by socializing with this couple.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Harleyx said:


> He didn't "do her already"...cripes. Cynical much?
> I have more faith in her than that.
> Besides, he knows I would come down on him like hellfire if he tried..)


Then why did she come home acting weird? That was the first thing that crossed my mind. A revenge f*ck. Drinking with two people you know that are totally twisted sexually. Ask your wife if they tried to talk her into anything and watch her closely. Before you do, google how to tell if someone is lying.

If my wife spent the night with two people like that the locks would be changed when she got home.

You are fooling yourself.

You counselor must have a hard time keeping his jaw off of the floor.

Any more of your "friends" into that kind of thing?


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## Harleyx (Jan 2, 2013)

This is a friend (the female) she met in moms group. Lady thinks the world of my wife, and would do nothing to hurt her. The hubby is creepy, and wife thinks so too.
They're the only 'friends' I know of ours with the lifestyle...but who knows.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Harleyx said:


> This is a friend (the female) she met in moms group. Lady thinks the world of my wife, and would do nothing to hurt her. The hubby is creepy, and wife thinks so too.
> They're the only 'friends' I know of ours with the lifestyle...but who knows.


He may not look so creepy when your wife is drunk. Nevermind..........Moms group lady is a swinger, she doesn't think a threeway is going to hurt anyone. She thinks it would improve your wifes life. Especially the way her husband treats her. God only knows what they told her. 

And why would she go to someone's house like that anyway? And spend the night? You are in serious denial.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Yes, I am cynical. I trusted my WW too. Then I found out she was lying to me. Not just lies of omission. Flat out lies. The sting is fresh and I admit that it's made me bitter.

My wife is a good girl. The one everyone compliments on how generous and fair and loving she is. If she is capable, anyone is. Maybe yours is not cheating yet. But don't fool yourself, if she keeps company with swingers, it's only a matter of time. 

Hopefully you are one of the lucky ones and she will ask for a divorce first. I hope you never find yourself betrayed, it is truly awful.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Beeps, your trying to save your marriage and your wife is getting counselling while drunk from swingers including another man who wants to she your wife.

That's not attain wreck waiting to happen, that a guy smoking in the dynamite shed beside the fireworks factory,

Geesh,.


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