# Do you believe "Once a cheater, always a cheater"?



## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

This is a question that has always bothered me. I have a sordid history on this subject that some of you all know about. Its in my previous threads and I'm not hiding it. I am obviously biased so my thoughts may need to be taken with a grain of salt. 

I had always thought that there were people who cheat and people who don't. The ones who do cheat are lost causes. You can't make someone be faithful and if they have a history of this behavior its not really possible to change it. I held this belief until a few years ago. I've had friends who have cheated on partners and I've seen them repeat the behavior so many times. 

What I believe now after my experiences with this is it is all about the circumstances. Sometimes a perfect storm of events happen that allow someone who might never cheat to think its okay. Someone who is completely committed may stray based on so many different factors coming together at once. It doesn't make it acceptable but it is understandable. I don't think most people cheat with malice in their heart. 

For me it was a combination of being in a marriage that was in a rut and feeling like my life was going nowhere. My ex-wife and I were stuck at the same point we were when we first married while our friends were starting their families and moving on to more rewarding expirerencs. I was in a weird place mentally and I was able to justify things that should never been justifiable. My wife was going through a lot of things and suffering from depression and she wasn't a lot of fun to be around. And then there was the completely accidental meeting of the other woman. I really do not think I would have strayed if not for this perfect storm of - marriage problems, depression/loss of focus, and meeting someone else. I never planned on cheating and I haven't cheated in my new relationship. But I did cheat in my first marriage despite personally being repulsed by cheating. 

I think the issue of infidelity is far more complicated than, once a cheater, always a cheater. It all depends on circumstances, weak boundaries, and opportunity. Sometimes good people make bad decisions.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The past has already been lived and can't be changed.

The future is what you decide to make it.

The hardest part about changing yourself is that people will always remember who you were, while never looking at who you are trying to become.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I think for a majority this is true but thats just too much of a blanket statement,some come to their
senses when they are hit with reality and see what they could lose which is everything.seems like they are like an addict,they know its wrong but justify ways to keep it up.So if addicts and alcoholics can change why not a cheater?
I feel a lot has to do with the persons character also.Are they weak? Strong?Can they learn from their screw up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't believe that it's true for EVERY cheater that 'once a cheater, always a cheater.'

Everyone can make a mistake and learn from it. Sometimes circumstances ARE bad and people are too gutless to leave when they should. If this is the case, that person should KNOW when to leave next time and do it BEFORE they move on to someone else.

I would say that ANYBODY who has cheated MORE THAN ONCE (be it in marriage/living together/dating), is someone I would consider likely to cheat again. I would NEVER trust this person.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think people are capable of personal growth and change, but it takes great insight, empathy and conscious effort so the percentage of cheaters who genuinely reform is low (IMHO) because often these people find ways (like the OP) to justify their actions. When faced with difficult circumstances, it's my belief that someone who has cheated in the past is more likely to slip back into bad habits again as escapism. Look at alcoholics. Some of them will get help. They'll become sober, but when faced with difficult emotional cirucmstances, it's more likely someone who is an alcoholic is likely to slip up and drink heavily than someone who has always remained sober in the face of problems. 

Twice a cheater always a cheater...

My two cents...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> No, I definitely do not believe once a cheater, always a cheater.
> 
> However, there's a big difference between serial cheaters who cheat simply because they can, and they don't care who they hurt, and people who have cheated because they f*cked up big time and know in their hearts they would never do it again.


exactly.
i did cheat on my exw 1 time with 1 woman 7 years into the marriage.
i stopped the friendship with her the next day.

during her 14 years of serial cheating, i never cheated even though i knew she was.


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## PrincessMarie (Feb 22, 2012)

I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is as true as day. No matter how much you want to think they'll never do it again, they will, and they'll be more sneaky and angry at YOU for it. No one I know has been able to make their cheater stop. Just because you have a few good years, don't mean that he isn't cheating the whole time or won't start soon.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

PrincessMarie said:


> I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is as true as day. No matter how much you want to think they'll never do it again, they will, and they'll be more sneaky and angry at YOU for it. No one I know has been able to make their cheater stop. Just because you have a few good years, don't mean that he isn't cheating the whole time or won't start soon.


dont you think if this was true i would have cheated during my exw 14 years of seial cheating? if for nothing else, as revenge cheating?

as stated above, i did cheat once, saw it as the wrong thing and havent since.

i cheated once seven years into my 30 year marriage while my exw spent the last 14 of those 30 years cheating several times, possibly as many as 7 different men i can figure and each lasting longer than one time each.

i know she decided not to change.
i also know that i did decide to change.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

It depends on if the person cheating felt guilt, had consequences and learnt from their mistake.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, my ex h has proved this to be true with his second wife. He's also a serial cheater.

Anyways, once you cheat on me, your gone for good. I will not forgive something so terrible.

It's my belief that if the spouse cheats on you, they truly do not love you with their whole heart. 

It's very simple to remain faithful.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I voted Not True People Can Change.

I think cheaters can change. It partially comes down to if the cheater is remorseful and wants to change. 

You cheated. The question is are you willing to learn from it? Are you going to do the work necessary to make sure it doesn't happen again? If you are ever in a vulnerable place again how will you handle it differently than you did last time?

You have to realize that there was a cycle that you went through that allowed you to cheat. You need to break down every influencing part (as I have seen you have done) and figure out how to stop the cycle before it runs its full course. If you don't figure that out and you are ever in a vulnerable position again, you may just cheat. It's your choice, you choose.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

What if it was an EA but they did meet a few times 
(nothing pysical) and the WS was showing a boat load of remorse and they are disgusted with what they did? Would that make a difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I think once a cheater ... enough damage is done. 

Irrespective of whether "_Once a cheater, always a cheater_" is true .... "_Once a cheater, there will always be a deficiency of trust that cannot be repaired even if the cheating is not repeated_"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I can change well then she can change.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Id say 90% of the time a cheater will cheat again. Rare rare instances i feel where the person who cheat's is not truly like that. 

Studies and data would show it to be true not only that but as Eowyn said the deficiency of trust is a huge killer for a relationship. In addition cheaters display behavior that is generally looked down upon in societies, they are narcissistic, impulsive, hedonistic and socially inept often, they also willingly comply and go through with set sexual actions knowing the consequences but overlook the moral conflicts that may pop into their head. Going past the pre conventional state thoughts like (How they can avoid punishments, what's in it for them, the social norms, law order and morality and than the post conventional which is when its done, than universal ethnic principles come into play.

The state and the mentality a person who cheat's exhibits is often not a enjoyable state of mind let alone a person most of you would wish to deal with and this is based off their actions and how their mind works.



I would say in cases of a marriage in which one person has no freedom no rights and is truly trapped or a slave in that case running away or cheating (imo) can be justified. However in such a country like our's 99% of the time its not justified in a marriage even in the sexless marriages i can sort of see and maybe understand where they are coming from in those cases i feel the cheater is doing such a thing because of the sad state of their life and the depression (those cases which are rare) i feel the person is not truly a cheater and will not always be a cheater.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the majority in the US are sad in there marriage. Majority of cheating is a by product of a unhealthy marriage.

The rare case IMHO are the cheaters that are in a perfect marriage and have a personal dificincy and they still cheat.

Looking at the curent poll it seem poeple can change and with the right relationship, will not need to fill the void that there old relationship offered.

Sure cheaters are broken poeple, but what broke them....there spouse or Uncle Joe/Father Joe when they were 5?


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

If someone cheats they lack moral character and they don't consider the feelings of others, they are selfish, self centered, and put their needs so far ahead of others that they can never, ever be trusted in any significant capacity.

Besides that you've got all the hurt that follows the act of cheating itself which must be somehow dealt with.

Yes there are some 'success' stories following an affair but even then I'm certain the betrayed partner always sleeps with one eye open so to speak.

I understand that infidelity and cheating is rampant in today's society. I was married, now divorced, there was no infidelity on either side and I've never cheated or been cheated on in any relationship past or present.

Yes I'm in the minority but there are lots of single, trustworthy people out there who do not have what it takes to be a cheater.

I suggest you find them.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

In my experience with men they get away with it once they will do it again. My mistake was to forgive the first time. But not any more.
I have thought about what it would be like to cheat on someone and could not bring myself to put another human being through all that heartache and grief.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

*I think the issue of infidelity is far more complicated than, once a cheater, always a cheater.*
Life is more complicated than that. Only here on message boards are things ever that simple.

*It all depends on circumstances, weak boundaries, and opportunity. Sometimes good people make bad decisions.*
Correct... sort of. I have standards of honor. I fail to meet them regularly... partly because I'm flawed and partly because if I was meeting them regularly I'd raise the bar on myself. People DO make bad decisions.

But that doesn't obviate the fact that there was a failure in strength, integrity and honor. If the person learned and grew... not from a "cheating" standpoint but from an "honor" standpoint then I think in my mind it goes into the "stuff happens" bin. If, on the other hand, the only thing they learned was "cheating is bad" then I wouldn't touch them with a 10' pole.

That's why I wouldn't divorce Carol if she cheated on me. I'd need to hear the end of the story before I made any decisions. The end, in my mind, is "what did she learn from her mistake?"


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Whenever we cross a boundary that we know is wrong, it makes it easier to do the next time that we are tempted. If we steal something and get away with it, we will continue to do this until some consequence stops us. If the consequences of cheating are great enough, we will stop. People can change their behavior, but they have to believe that there is a reason to do so.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel it depends on the WHY's behind the cheating.... some do it for a thrill...easy access.. EGO boost, don't care about their loving willing spouse at home, cause they can get away with it.... 

Then....others find themselves caught up in something out of lonely desperation, crying out for what is missing in the marraige, whether it is sexual or emotional...It reduces them to a puddle of emptiness that needs filled. I have some sympathy for these people...even if it was wrong. And by no means would I believe that he/she would be set up for life if they go on to marry someone more compatible with the intended love & connection flowing coupled with a happening satisfying sex life to boot. 

I will never make a blanket statement on a person due to a one time history of "falling". The story behind the scenes speaks much. I want to hear about the DIRT at home, what the cheater was living with. 

By no means is the one cheated on always so damn innocent. Heck, some of them have ZERO sex drive, and feel that is just FINE. Sex might be an utter chore -even at once a month. I would fault a man stuck in a sexless marriage less for an affair as the wife who refused him time after time after time after time after time again, knowing it hurt him, tares him apart every night that he is not wanted by his own wife. 

Yes, he should have LEFT HER ASS in the dust and divorced her.... but life is not always so simple for some....kids, the house... I refuse to judge all people . I would judge the DISHONESTY of it ,the hiding of it .... MORE than the accual falling into it - that part seems very human to me. 

But hey, that's me. MY dad cheated on my mom with my step mom -they were meant to be, nothing would have stopped them from getting together. I do give them credit, they didn't hide it or lie...all out in the open, my mom never wanted him anyway (told me she wasn't attracted to my dad)....it was not a marraige that would have lasted anyway. 

My dad & step mom (she cheated on her husband too)... not for even a day -have they looked at another since they have gotten together some 35 yrs ago, terribly compatible, an example to behold.. but they found each other... through cheating. 

So no, not once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

reggis said:


> If someone cheats they lack moral character and they don't consider the feelings of others, they are selfish, self centered, and put their needs so far ahead of others that they can never, ever be trusted in any significant capacity.


That is 100% true while someone is cheating but it is not necessarily true about a person that cheated in other times and aspects of their lives - not by a long shot.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I can't say for sure but the chances for someone to cheat twice after they cheated once arise.
If they were able to do it once, they MIGHT do it twice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I think some may cheat again and others never will.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> The past has already been lived and can't be changed.
> 
> The future is what you decide to make it.
> 
> The hardest part about changing yourself is that people will always remember who you were, while never looking at who you are trying to become.


My sentiments exactly!

Before we were married I strayed from my husband due to problems in our relationship that neither one of us addressed or handled well. Saying what I did was stupid and selfish would be an extremely gross understatement. When I finally did get my head out of my bum I realized what damage I had done to my man and our realationship and how lucky I was that he was willing to give us another chance. Since that day I have been determined to be the best girl/wife to him that I can possibly be and I strive for that every day. I have not strayed since and never will do so again.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

:lol:
Maybe all cheaters aren't alike, but my ex who cheated on me with two documented guys who provided her with children continued to cheat for the next 16 years before my two brain cells registered the betrayal. She has already cheated on the guy she moved into what was once "our" home and was with a different guy when she last contacted me trying to "R".
Some how I think she is finding old habits hard to break.:rofl:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I do believe they will always be a cheater. They've proven it's I then to do it, the best you can hope is that they continue to choose not to give into that temptation again. But forever it will be true that their personal values do allow them to view it as an option that is open to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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