# is it the end of my marriage



## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

hi
im 37 years old, I met Denise 47 my now wife 5 years ago on a dating website, we hit it off quickly having lots in common and soon started regular dating. we fell in love and everything was going great.
we both had 2 children each from previous relationships, my 2 being 7 & 8 and her 2 being 16 & 17. I met her children within the 1st week of meeting her, but I thought as my 2 were that little bit younger I would wait until I knew we were serious. 
after about 2 months I arranged a family bbq and although I had been telling my children about denise , this was going to be the first time they would meet. everything went well a big success or so I thought.
i thought that now we all new each other we could all start to do things together, I had a good relationship with her 2 children, and hoped she would do the same with my 2.
my children being that much younger, when I had them come to stay with me at weekends they needed entertaining, going over the park, movies, playing on bikes in the street, going to the beech etc. I would ask denise what her plans were for the weekend and if she would like to join us, even inviting her 2 children, but them being that bit older had plans of there own, I would always be met with the response of no thanks, you 3 go off and have a nice time, she would have ironing to do or cleaning. 
I work shift work 4 on 4 off I even offered to do her chores for her, but always no.
the weekends I had my children were always the same, I wouldn't see her from Friday to sunday when I dropped them back to there mum. I thought this to be weird and I would get upset about it. she would try and reassure me there wasn't a problem and it was just the fact that she worked mon-fri long hours and the only chance she had to do anything for herself was at the weekend, her children were older and off hand so to speak, she even said once that she is 10 years older than me she thought she would meet someone whos children were off hand too and at weekends they could do stuff together, but you met me I would say and I didn't keep my children a secret from you or there ages.
when we were alone together things were great and we had both fallen in love, I would bring her gifts, and the days I was off from work I would go to her house and cook and clean for her, so we would have more time when she came home from work together, i even took her away for weekends, one weekend I took her to a cottage in the country and I proposed to her which she excepted and she was very happy, we were both happy. in the background was the issue of her not wanting to spend time with my children, she had been there and done that with her two, but was understanding that I had to be there for my two, still very weird all the same.
now we were engaged to be married it seemed the right thing to do to buy a house together, big enough for all 6 of us. although we new it wasn't going to be the brady bunch I would get to see her everyday and at weekends the kids would be there and maybe she could start getting closer to my children.
I think this frightened her to death, she had lived on her own with her kids for about 4 years and quite liked the idea of having her own little house, I even remember saying we cant be married and live in separate houses in separate towns.
I think she was so scared of living with us she slowed things down in the relationship. we then started to argue, I was upset because it felt like it was because of my two children (which it is) because in the week i would stay with her and her two kids, but at weekends i was a single dad. with this i gave her a choice. she chose to stay the way it had been and not to get married, so we split up.
after 11 weeks of separation, not hearing anything from her i relented and sent her a message saying i missed her, she felt the same way and had time to think and although she was scared she wanted to buy a house and get married.
we got married a year later in Italy, a beautiful wedding and moved in to a lovely family home. in the same year i got made redundant and lost my brother to cancer, tough times but we got through it. i took any work that came my way, working 2-3 jobs just to earn anywhere near what i was getting at my previous job, but we got through it.
we had always fallen out like most couples do from time to time about the everyday things couples fall out over, money, work, lack of sex in the relationship, but instead of arguing we would just ignore each other for a day or two, and then i would say look this is stupid lets talk, whether i felt i was right or wrong i
would always go to her, she would never say she was wrong if she was, she would just say we have a difference of opinion, lets draw a line under it and move on. i think this is called papering over the cracks, because we would never resolve anything. 
after all this time and still to this day of living together with my children visiting at weekends, now 12 & 13 she still doesn't have a relationship with them, she says hello on Friday evening and goodbye on sunday night, maybe the odd hi in between if they bump into each other in the kitchen or hallway.
she asked me if it would be possible if i could maybe not have them one weekend and we could spend quality time as husband and wife. i was a bit put out by this as i love my kids and want and look forward to seeing them, but i relented as i could see her point. so once a month i would not have my children and we would do stuff together, but all the time my step children were still about that weekend and she would still be running them about arranging shopping trips with her daughter, i had to say something, id given up my 2 so we could spend quality time together, she couldn't see my problem!!. 
i said now we are having one weekend our time she should come out with me and my children on another weekend, but i get the same answer, shes been there and done it, its not her thing to be over the park, or bowling or cinema. so after 5 years she still has no relationship with my kids, and of a weekend although married i feel like a single dad.
2 weeks ago we fell out and haven't spoke, my kids mum has bought a caravan on a holiday park to take kids during the holidays so there not bored, although i wasn't going to see them through the summer i thought im working any way id rather them be happy and enjoying themselves. my son who is 13 1/2 now didn't want to go, he wanted to spend the summer with his friends kicking a ball around and having adventures, i could see his point so i said he could stay with us, i couldn't see the problem. when i told my wife she hit the roof," he cant stay here, we have to work" i work 2 day shifts 2 night shift 4 days off, so he would only be on his own for 2 days, i believe him to be sensible enough to do this and on my 2 night shifts my wife would be home, but she refuses to look after him because she disagrees with him being on his own during the days. she said i should make him go. 
the situation is not ideal, but i trust him to be on his own hes a good kid, and ive informed my work and they said any problems i could rush off, but shes still very angry, because i never thought about her feelings and if my son is there for 6 weeks we wont get any time together.
our relationship to me is very one-sided, im very easy going and give in to my wife on almost everything from the pink sofa we have to meals we eat, i do say no to her but end up backing down to save the silent treatment, and like most men an easy life.
since living together i have slept more on the settee than i have in the bed, an then i give in to her and apologise even if its not my fault. i also would like to add she has never once said to me she loves me only i love you too in a reply, never on a wim bought me a gift, never says thank you for anything i do for her or her children, never shows her feelings for me. i feel like im at the bottom of her priorities after her work, her children, family and friends even the cat sometimes.
she told me she had a half day from work she had earned for some over time she had done, so i suggested she maybe i could meet her one afternoon and take her for lunch, but she was to busy with work on that particular day, 2 days later she took it with a work friend and went for a manicure e and lunch with her.
im just at my wits end, i don't feel loved, i feel on my own i sleep on the settee. i don't know what to do, ive tried talking to her but it falls on death ears or i get an angry response.
im not going to give in this time and go to her, if she wants me she knows where i am. it just feels like such a waste, i never got married to get divorced but im lost. fighting a losing battle. i feel alone i might as well be on my own.
i have 2 weeks annual leave coming up next week, i will use this time to get a few jobs done around the house, and if she hasn't come to me by this time, which i don't think she will at least the house will look good for the for sale pictures.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Lots of problems here but one thing's for sure, you were completely out of line to allow your 13 year old son to come live with you without discussing it with her first.

But like I said there's a whole bunch of other problems. She never accepted your family. This deal was dead from the start. There were problems and yet you still got married and moved in together. 

The time to fix things is BEFORE you make those types of major decisions.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I dont know how you could ignore the signs she did not want your children inher life in the first place. You have no choice but to send her packing.


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

bailey34 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't feel that I should have to ask for my children to stay in my house, her children live here everyday, I don't get asked about decisions that go on in there lives, it just happens and if I have any concerns it basically tough that's what's happening. My children should be made to feel welcome here. She says no one will love my kids like I do, I'm not asking her to love them like I do, I'm asking her to talk to them, create a relationship with them, ask them how there week at schools been, sit in the same room as them and watch TV. 
Is that to much to ask??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, it's not too much to ask. 

But you married a women who you knew did not want anything to do with your children. Why are you surprised now?

You made a mistake. Move on and in the future do not have women around your children who do not care for them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow, you really got yourself into a pickle with this woman didn't you?

Your marriage should never have taken place - she didn't want to be a step mum, she made that clear from the get go.

While I do think you should have discussed your sons moving in with her, I don't think you need to "ask" her as such. He's your son after all. The only exception to this would be if he was the type of kid who caused turmoil in your home, and disrespected your wife, that would be different.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

She never wanted your children. She broke up with you because it was too much for her to deal with. She places are higher importance on her children than yours.

Isn't this decision an easy one? Children first.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bailey34 said:


> hi
> im 37 years old, I met Denise 47 my now wife 5 years ago on a dating website, we hit it off quickly having lots in common and soon started regular dating. we fell in love and everything was going great.
> we both had 2 children each from previous relationships, my 2 being 7 & 8 and her 2 being 16 & 17. I met her children within the 1st week of meeting her, but I thought as my 2 were that little bit younger I would wait until I knew we were serious.


RED FLAG - what kind of a mother introduces their kids to a man that she doesn't even know? Not a smart one.



bailey34 said:


> after about 2 months I arranged a family bbq and although I had been telling my children about denise , this was going to be the first time they would meet. everything went well a big success or so I thought.
> i thought that now we all new each other we could all start to do things together, I had a good relationship with her 2 children, and hoped she would do the same with my 2.
> my children being that much younger, when I had them come to stay with me at weekends they needed entertaining, going over the park, movies, playing on bikes in the street, going to the beech etc. I would ask denise what her plans were for the weekend and if she would like to join us, even inviting her 2 children, but them being that bit older had plans of there own, I would always be met with the response of no thanks, you 3 go off and have a nice time, she would have ironing to do or cleaning.
> 
> ...


RED FLAG - HUGE red flag. Why would you propose to a woman that show 0 interest in your kids and spends 0 time with them. That's not wife material.



bailey34 said:


> now we were engaged to be married it seemed the right thing to do to buy a house together, big enough for all 6 of us. although we new it wasn't going to be the brady bunch I would get to see her everyday and at weekends the kids would be there and maybe she could start getting closer to my children.
> I think this frightened her to death, she had lived on her own with her kids for about 4 years and quite liked the idea of having her own little house, I even remember saying we cant be married and live in separate houses in separate towns.
> I think she was so scared of living with us she slowed things down in the relationship. we then started to argue, I was upset because it felt like it was because of my two children (which it is) because in the week i would stay with her and her two kids, but at weekends i was a single dad. with this i gave her a choice. she chose to stay the way it had been and not to get married, so we split up.
> after 11 weeks of separation, not hearing anything from her i relented and sent her a message saying i missed her, she felt the same way and had time to think and although she was scared she wanted to buy a house and get married.
> ...


Not good way to communicate and resolve problems. Quite the opposite. Think of problems/issues as snow balls. Longer they roll down the hill, bigger they get and harder the hit at the bottom.

I think you should've just left things where they were when you 2 split up. Of course you would miss her, that's part of recovery after Serious relationship. The goal was to get over her in time, by reaching out to her you RESET ALL of your healing progress.



bailey34 said:


> would always go to her, she would never say she was wrong if she was, she would just say we have a difference of opinion, lets draw a line under it and move on. i think this is called papering over the cracks, because we would never resolve anything.


Red Flag - one that should never be ignored with ANYONE (family friends etc). Person that is not willing to admit their mistakes/apologize and "the never wrong"type are probably the worst people to be around OR with.

Seriously

NO ONE is perfect and EVERYONE makes mistakes. Admiring mistakes and learning from them = maturity.




bailey34 said:


> after all this time and still to this day of living together with my children visiting at weekends, now 12 & 13 she still doesn't have a relationship with them, she says hello on Friday evening and goodbye on sunday night, maybe the odd hi in between if they bump into each other in the kitchen or hallway.
> she asked me if it would be possible if i could maybe not have them one weekend and we could spend quality time as husband and wife. i was a bit put out by this as i love my kids and want and look forward to seeing them, but i relented as i could see her point. so once a month i would not have my children and we would do stuff together, but all the time my step children were still about that weekend and she would still be running them about arranging shopping trips with her daughter, i had to say something, id given up my 2 so we could spend quality time together, she couldn't see my problem!!.
> i said now we are having one weekend our time she should come out with me and my children on another weekend, but i get the same answer, shes been there and done it, its not her thing to be over the park, or bowling or cinema. so after 5 years she still has no relationship with my kids, and of a weekend although married i feel like a single dad.
> 2 weeks ago we fell out and haven't spoke, my kids mum has bought a caravan on a holiday park to take kids during the holidays so there not bored, although i wasn't going to see them through the summer i thought im working any way id rather them be happy and enjoying themselves. my son who is 13 1/2 now didn't want to go, he wanted to spend the summer with his friends kicking a ball around and having adventures, i could see his point so i said he could stay with us, i couldn't see the problem. when i told my wife she hit the roof," he cant stay here, we have to work" i work 2 day shifts 2 night shift 4 days off, so he would only be on his own for 2 days, i believe him to be sensible enough to do this and on my 2 night shifts my wife would be home, but she refuses to look after him because she disagrees with him being on his own during the days. she said i should make him go.
> ...


You are being a push over, sorry. Why in the world would you admit to HER fault?

Why would you accept a women that shows 0 desire of being with your kids or being a mother figure.

Why would you accept a women that is NOT willing to make her loved one a PRIORITY over her children (in time of course).

You can blame a LOT of this on yourself my friend. 

This lady is not a good wife material and HORRIBLE mother figure material. She is NOT a good fit FOR YOU (or any father with 2 kids). She seems immature, selfish and inconsiderate.

Many here will recommend and tell you to read "no more Mr. Nice Guy" or something along the line. I almost ALWAYS recommend staying together and working things out....but in this case. Absolutely NOT.

I would highly recommend getting divorce ASAP. You see, I'm a nice guy too and rather than do what these books recommend (and not be one)......I simply use my niceness as a **** filter. Meaning: Any person close to me that uses my niceness to their advantage OR takes advantage of me is a person I don't want in my life. EVER.

Why in the world would I NOT want to be nice and change myself to fit our ****ty sociability or people around me. Ohhh, HELL NO.

I would divorce this lady and never look back. She is simply not a good fit for you and your children and has a long track record of negligence towards YOU and your kids.

Not sure why you even wasted your time.

I also would not even bother talking to her about "spending more time as family/with your kids". The reason for this is because she is NOT that type of a person. Even if she was to do it or even try, you know very well deep inside you would know she doesn't really give a crap.

I really hope you learn from this. I suggest you spend a lot of time in front of a mirror and ask yourself how you allowed this to happen.....and promise yourself that it will never happen again.

To answer your original thread topic question. Yes, this is the end of your marriage.

Good luck


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Blindness tends to overcome us when we think we're falling in love. 

There's a lot going on here, but your marriage is still worth fighting for and, at least attempting to save. I believe in the sacredness of the vows we make to our spouses. 

See if she will be open to going to counseling with you. She has to want to work through all of this as much as you do. Good luck!


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

thank you for all your feedback
i have just finished reading no more mr nice guy (found a pdf copy online) very interesting, don't agree with all of what he has to say, i think i can associate to 80% of it. what i have taken from it i will take forward to any possible relationship i have in the future. firstly i have to deal with this crazy mess and concentrate on my kids.
one thing shes correct about is nobody will love my kids as much as i do and im going to keep being the best dad i can be.
i should have just given up when we split up the first time we split.
she says the only thing i should change about a women is her surname, i never wanted her to change just adapt to us all living together, fed up of trying now.
keep the comments coming as its interesting to hear


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

I don't think you should "ask" for your son to stay with you in your own home. But if you knew she didn't want your children you should have never married her and same for her, you and your children are a package deal she knew that when she married you. I don't see how a marriage can last if someone didn't want to be a part of your childrens lives. Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel so bad for your kids. I cannot imagine how crappy it must feel for them to come to your home only to be ignored by your wife. They were probably happy when you reduced your weekend time with them. (which you NEVER should have done!!) I hate to say it, but this SHOULD be the end of your marriage. It never should have happened in the first place. You have been a total pushover in every way, and I am glad to see you starting to realize that so you can start to make some changes for yourself.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bailey34 said:


> thank you for all your feedback
> i have just finished reading no more mr nice guy (found a pdf copy online) very interesting, don't agree with all of what he has to say, i think i can associate to 80% of it. what i have taken from it i will take forward to any possible relationship i have in the future. firstly i have to deal with this crazy mess and concentrate on my kids.
> one thing shes correct about is nobody will love my kids as much as i do and im going to keep being the best dad i can be.
> i should have just given up when we split up the first time we split.
> ...


Glad you realize all this now.

PS. sure, you should not expect anyone to change, BUT you have to recognize the person they are and accept it. I think that is one step you missed.

Meeting my kids and interest into my kids would've been a make/break test for ANY woman. Something there is NO going around.

And she is wrong, in time, I'm sure plenty of step parents love their step child as much as direct parents.

You see it's not that STATUS of who you are that matters, is how much involvement/interest you show and if you are willing to form a bond/relationship with them.

Just to give you an example, my step father cares WAY more for my children WITH HIS ACTIONS than say my wife's father or even my father.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

bailey34 said:


> one thing shes correct about is nobody will love my kids as much as i do


I'm sorry but I disagree. I'm step mum to my beautiful daughter, and I love her as much as my husband does. Out of all her parents, I probably spend the most time with her. I'm SAHM, hubby works full time and her mum is often with her boyfriend. The little person often wants to stay here longer than her 50/50 agreement, which is fine with us.

I would do anything for that child. Anything. If she needed something and I had it, I would give it to her.

I feel very strongly that if someone does not genuinely love a child, as their own person and not because they come as part of a package, they should not marry that child's parent. 

Will this kind of person be easy to find? No, but it will be so much better for your child in the long run.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i'll throw in my 2 cents here. If I were a single divorced mom "stuck" with two kids, and I raised them up as best I could, and they are finally getting older and independent.....and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...send them off to university....visit once in a while....start getting my frigin life back to what I wanted to do.....

Then up pop two NEW kids....who demand attention on the weekends as I was trying to relax and have fun.....

Yeah, I would resent that bigtime. And that resentment would eventually percolate over to their father...who I like, but never wanted to "have more kids" with.


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

Surely you wouldn't even start a relationship with a man with two small children if that was the case? 
That's my problem, not the fact that she has gained her life back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> i'll throw in my 2 cents here. If I were a single divorced mom "stuck" with two kids, and I raised them up as best I could, and they are finally getting older and independent.....and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel...send them off to university....visit once in a while....start getting my frigin life back to what I wanted to do.....
> 
> Then up pop two NEW kids....who demand attention on the weekends as I was trying to relax and have fun.....
> 
> Yeah, I would resent that bigtime. And that resentment would eventually percolate over to their father...who I like, but never wanted to "have more kids" with.


Then you DONT get into a relationship with someone with younger children, pretty simple. I am actually at this point in my life, and its okay to feel this way. Whats NOT okay is to get involved with someone who you know has younger kids then treat those kids badly and put expectations on that man that YOU come first. If you decide to try a relationship like this and find you resent the kids, then you end it. Simple.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I agree totally, don't get involved with a guy with 2 young kids..if you don't like kids!!! 

But people do odd stuff, often do not think things thru, maybe think "oh, it won't be so bad", then reality hits like a ton of bricks!


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

Well it's been just over 2 weeks now and we still haven't spoken. Today has been hard as I've really wanted to just go to her and cuddle her, I can see she is suffering. 
Part of me is thinking I don't like to see her unhappy, but then part of me thinks bollox you caused all of this. It just seems very childish to not talk, but then I don't want to be the one that gives in. 
If you keep doing something and get the same result, shouldn't you stop doing something or change!!??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Lila said:


> Your wife did not cause the situation you are in now. You did by asking a woman who showed no interest in your children to marry you.
> 
> She doesn't prevent you from being a great dad to you children does she? She doesn't begrudge you your relationship with your kids? As far as I can tell, her only issue is that she chooses not to establish a parental relationship with your kids, probably because she doesn't want the responsibility over them.
> 
> Think about it like this, what would you have done in this situation if you were still single?


They BOTH need to take responsibility for the situation they're in. Yes, he asked her to marry him but SHE agreed.

Yes she does prevent him from being a dad - she asked him to cut back on his weekends with the kids! She does begrudge the relationship, and insists on being his top priority.

He's not single. He's married. She should be looking after the children when he's working. If she didn't want to be a step mum, she shouldn't have married a man with young kids.


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

Why do I feel so bad this morning, I have the devil on one shoulder saying just keep doing what your doing and let her come to you, and on the other an angel saying go to her to sort things out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twin (Feb 24, 2013)

Tough situation. The silent treatment is nasty!!! It's never lasted this long in my house, probably because I couldn't shut up for that long!! Hope you have a good day despite what is happening at home. As to everything else, your kids need to come first. I think you know that. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

bailey34 said:


> Why do I feel so bad this morning, I have the devil on one shoulder saying just keep doing what your doing and let her come to you, and on the other an angel saying go to her to sort things out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bailey, there really isnt a way to "sort things out" in your situation, I'm afraid. She doesnt want your kids. Period. You cant fix that and your kids dont deserve to have someone like this in their lives.


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

Another day of not talking, she has decided to take herself out for the last 10 hrs. 
I think my stupid thoughts of yesterday of maybe a reconciliation have turned into me getting angry. The sooner I get these jobs done around the house I need to do, I'll get the house on the market. 
This isn't the actions of someone that wants to sort out a marriage, so why should I even be bothered too!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bailey34 (Aug 12, 2014)

well today is exactly 3 weeks of me and my wife not talking.
today I spoke to my 20 year old step son and he said he had spoken to my wife his mum, and had said us two not speaking was ridiculous and that someone would eventually have to give in. I found myself getting very angry (which I did apologise to him). I think he was a bit worried about all the painting and decorating I've been doing, and had asked his mum what was going on, to which she replied, that I was getting the house ready for putting on the market. I told him it wasn't my first choice would be to sort things out with his mum and try and make things right. like every other member of her family have told me "you know how stubborn she is" "you know what she's like, she will cut her nose off to spite her face" "you'll have to make the first move", whether in the past im right or wrong I've always been the one that has gone to her to break the deadlock, always being met with the same old bull**** answer of nobody is right nobody is wrong we just have a difference of opinion, lets draw a line under it and move on. which to me just means papering over the cracks!!, but I give in for an easy life and because its rubbish not talking.
im getting very sad and lonely, im not sleeping, I fall to sleep for an hour or so and as soon as I wake up that's it im awake. im emotionally drained, some days I hope that she doesn't speak to me so we can put the house on the market and I can make a fresh start, and other days I just want to hold her tight, but I just cant bring myself to go to her. I told my step son today if she comes to me and just gives me a cuddle, we can start to sort this out, get some counselling and hopefully move on with our marriage. the way I think is if I meant anything to her she will come to me, if not ill know and as sad as it will be to split up ill know that her pride came before our marriage.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Divorce her. Be happy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

And stop telling the kids your problems.


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