# Ok THIS is ridiculous..



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

So it's been more than a month since my husband initiated. We have had weird/bad sexual history. He can't last and refuses to address it. 

So this morning... I initiate. He laid there. Let me satisfy him and then got up and went to the bathroom. Is that common? Just laid there ... Enjoyed and left.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not common. Very selfish and rude, imo.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Uhhhh no. I agree with TG. Very selfish and rude. 

Also, you mean he got off but you didn't?? Oh HELL NO!!! That wouldn't fly here. No way, no how!


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Yep! It's how it ALWAYS is. We have talked about it but this seems to be a common theme. It makes me so bitter! 


QUOTE=Maricha75;1000797]Uhhhh no. I agree with TG. Very selfish and rude. 

Also, you mean he got off but you didn't?? Oh HELL NO!!! That wouldn't fly here. No way, no how![/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

qm2... wow...just... wow... Seriously, I'd be tempted to get him worked up, not let him cum, and say "Ok, my turn! You want to get off? Funny, so do I." As bad as it sounds, I'd leave it at that. My husband makes sure I do every single time. And, if I just know it's not gonna happen, I tell him. THEN I take care of him or just let him finish inside me...whichever he prefers. But, I haven't had to worry about that in years. The point is, he makes sure I get off too. And your husband needs to do that as well. He is being selfish, plain and simple.

FTR, I am not TELLING you to do what I said above lol. I am saying that's what I would be tempted to do!


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

In the past, he has blamed me and said it just seems like I don't want sex so he just helps me get it over with by giving him a hand job 
. I have to say that is not true and I've told him that before. It is just hard because I am SO left hanging out to dry. 




Maricha75 said:


> qm2... wow...just... wow... Seriously, I'd be tempted to get him worked up, not let him cum, and say "Ok, my turn! You want to get off? Funny, so do I." As bad as it sounds, I'd leave it at that. My husband makes sure I do every single time. And, if I just know it's not gonna happen, I tell him. THEN I take care of him or just let him finish inside me...whichever he prefers. But, I haven't had to worry about that in years. The point is, he makes sure I get off too. And your husband needs to do that as well. He is being selfish, plain and simple.
> 
> FTR, I am not TELLING you to do what I said above lol. I am saying that's what I would be tempted to do!


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Part of my getting off is getting my wife off. This boy is dead wrong.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I just have to accept that THIS is all I get in the sex dept. it really makes life suck for someone trying to deal with other marital problems. 

So what would you do in this situation? I've talked til I'm blue in the face about it. And did it nicely!

QUOTE=40isthenew20;1000926]Part of my getting off is getting my wife off. This boy is dead wrong.[/QUOTE]
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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Yep! It's how it ALWAYS is. We have talked about it but this seems to be a common theme. It makes me so bitter!


As you should be! This is so foreign to me I can't be very helpful to give advice, sorry.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> So it's been more than a month since my husband initiated. We have had weird/bad sexual history. He can't last and refuses to address it.
> 
> So this morning... I initiate. He laid there. Let me satisfy him and then got up and went to the bathroom. Is that common? Just laid there ... Enjoyed and left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think your husband may be leading a double life, because your husband sounds exactly like mine.

Granted we have sex about once a week, however he is the only one who gets anything out of it. I am lucky to O during sex every 3 months (I have no issues with orgasm) The thing i have issues with is that he is so self centered when it comes to sex! Sorry if i am not able to after 30 seconds!

I know exactly how you feel. AND it sucks. I don't even remember what a normal sex life is anymore.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have never o with my husband. 11 years later. Never. He doesn't try though...I have no problems.... When I'm on my own. 




ladybird said:


> I think your husband may be leading a double life, because your husband sounds exactly like mine.
> 
> Granted we have sex about once a week, however he is the only one who gets anything out of it. I am lucky to O during sex every 3 months (I have no issues with orgasm) The thing i have issues with is that he is so self centered when it comes to sex! Sorry if i am not able to after 30 seconds!
> 
> I know exactly how you feel. AND it sucks. I don't even remember what a normal sex life is anymore.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I have never o with my husband. 11 years later. Never. He doesn't try though...I have no problems.... When I'm on my own.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a problem. You need sex counseling. 


Also whats the relationship? 

Despite what some people may think sex is a big deal concerning marriage. 

Theres no way I'd marry a woman whose only letting me get close once every 3-4 months. 

If he absolutely refuses to do more, and you're not ready for your sex life to end then you may need to make the big move.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

What about finishing yourself after he's done. Maybe lying next to you while you pull out the vibrator will clue him in...or even better maybe it will turn him on enough for round two.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not common at all. In the last 12 years my husband has mostly gone out of his way to make sure I'm having a great time. He never would just lay there, that's rude. Neither would I either.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

It's been like this basically forever... And I've just come to the conclusion that it's not worth the fight. I've made suggestions before.. Requests..etc. but they fall on deaf ears. He will either get embarrassed and turn passive aggressive. "sorry I'm not good enough for you" or he will be receptive... Change for a little while and then.. Back to mistaking care of him and that's it. 

I just wanted to know if it was that atypical. And I think it is! 


QUOTE=I'mInLoveWithMyHubby;1001261]Not common at all. In the last 12 years my husband has mostly gone out of his way to make sure I'm having a great time. He never would just lay there, that's rude. Neither would I either.[/QUOTE]
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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Not common. Very selfish and rude, imo.


:iagree:









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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

As you describe it, it seems as cold and inconsiderate as a man could possibly be to the woman he loves. If he is inherently selfish and entitled, perhaps you see this across other facets of your relationship. If that is not the case, and he is fact a caring man, there might be some type of dysfunction. If he can't last and chooses HJ, there may be some performance anxiety so he is avoiding getting on the stage.

If you are an orgasmic woman, and he has not lit that candle in 11 years, I would consider suspending all other activity until he takes ownership for that and gets you across the finish line. Most men would have a hard time getting face to face with such an epic fail. Its not OK for him to go without O, go figure. Sorry you have to deal with this as it is patently unfair and I imagine pushing back gets you to lots of ego driven denial.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> It's been like this basically forever... And I've just come to the conclusion that it's not worth the fight. I've made suggestions before.. Requests..etc. but they fall on deaf ears. He will either get embarrassed and turn passive aggressive. "sorry I'm not good enough for you" or he will be receptive... Change for a little while and then.. Back to mistaking care of him and that's it.
> 
> I just wanted to know if it was that atypical. And I think it is!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

BTW: You're deleting the opening bracket around the word quote "[" and that's why your responses aren't formatting properly.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You are right. And I have gone months and months without sex with him. He said in therapy that this really bothered him but he never once told. It was my way of getting him to realize he needs to actually have sex with me vs hand jobs for him. He acted like there were no issues. But in therapy he said that it bothered him. So I told him it bothered ME that it was such a one way kinda thing. He got upset and said "you arent making me feel very good". Passive aggressive blah blah. So it got better for a couple weeks and he went back to having it one way again. 


And I have discovered on my OWN that I am very capable of O. But he just doesn't even try anymore. 




larry.gray said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BTW: You're deleting the opening bracket around the word quote "[" and that's why your responses aren't formatting properly.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

*



He said in therapy that this really bothered him but he never once told.

Click to expand...

*The fact that he has not fulfilled you bothers him? That is a good thing! He just has to find it inside himself make this investment in you and your relationship. He will have a hard time defending the indefensible, ie. his one-way street approach to intimacy.

If your husband was willing, can you relax enough and let down defenses to get there or does that look like an uphill slog? You will likely have to be very supportive and encouraging and I am thinking that has to be a two-way street. When he hits the target and you can share the glow together, he will want to hit it again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Has he tried Viagra?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No Viagra. He has no trouble in that area. Problem is he finishes far too soon. 

I think the problem is the overall dynamic. He just left for work and I'm leaving on a business trip. I came down to say goodbye and he gave me a "nice friend" kinda hug and said "have a good trip". 




Jellybeans said:


> Has he tried Viagra?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

From my understanding this is a pattern that has been going on for eleven years. That's going to be a hard pattern to break at this point. He's been allowed to get away with his selfish behaviour for so long now he's decided it's acceptable. 

Unless you're prepared to maintain the status quo with him you're going to have to put your foot down. Let him know you will not engage in sex with him unless he commits to sticking around until both of you have orgasmed. He may have trouble lasting very long but that doesn't preclude manual or oral stimulation or even making out with you while you take care of yourself.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

It's all just frustrating. I've gotten to the point I don't want to even try on my own because he just ends up acting awkwardly or telling me "apparently I'm not good enough for you". I want to respond by saying how could you be... You didn't even touch me!




MaritimeGuy said:


> From my understanding this is a pattern that has been going on for eleven years. That's going to be a hard pattern to break at this point. He's been allowed to get away with his selfish behaviour for so long now he's decided it's acceptable.
> 
> Unless you're prepared to maintain the status quo with him you're going to have to put your foot down. Let him know you will not engage in sex with him unless he commits to sticking around until both of you have orgasmed. He may have trouble lasting very long but that doesn't preclude manual or oral stimulation or even making out with you while you take care of yourself.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> "apparently I'm not good enough for you"


There is no label so powerful as *victim* to avoid taking ownership for your own mess.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

That's the thing. He always resorts to being a victim. That I'm so mean is what he is implying. Yet I'm not. I mean I've taken this behavior and haven't fought or complained about it. When I have gotten upset it has made things awkward and I can't relax. I know this sounds ridiculous but I'm beginning to think it comes back to innate chemistry and we just don't have it. I mean something is wrong if I'm just grateful that he actually inserts himself in me. That doesn't help me O but it does make it more of a joint activity. 




Cre8ify said:


> There is no label so powerful as *victim* to avoid taking ownership for your own mess.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

The only time such behavior is acceptable is when someone tells their partner that an act is all for them, like a gift of pleasure. Otherwise, getting up and leaving after coming is very rude and disrespectful.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I do think its "atypical" my experience is only my personal life and talking over the years to hundreds of men on forums..top of the "list" for I dare say most is knowing she gets pleasure..its a turn on for most guys to turn her on.."typically" it seems they enjoy the 'challenge" and its like they "won" LOL>>>if she is pleasured..

Anytime I have told my husband "its just not going to happen for me"..that made him MORE determined..If Im like no SERIOUSLY you go ahead..then ...he was on a MISSION to SOON make sure that happened for me even the next few hours or 12 max..(I mean if he went ahead) ..its like it "bugged him "..he couldnt "make me "..He was "dissatisfied " with the "experience' mentally or emotionally even if he got the physical..

Its an "ego thing " LOL!! wouldnt want to be accused of not being able to give a girl pleasure..Now would you ?

Anyway your husband sounds like almost hes "punishing you " somehow..


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Not that I am the best person to give advice because my wife and I have our fair share of problems. With that being said, as frustrating as our sex life is, she is always first and I make sure of that. Sometimes I can last 5 minutes others its almost 45 minutes. On the longer runs if she is on top she will have multiple. On the shorter runs she may have none so I always make sure she has a good one before we even have intercourse. I am one of those guys who once I finish I am dead, I don't even want to move for like 15 minutes so I can't just leave her hanging.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well he has said in the past that he wants to satisfy me but he isn't capable. I have faked it many times. Too many to count. When he finally realized after a long talk that he wasn't satisfying me completely to O.... I think he just kinda gave up. 
I think he's just not persistent or determined. Like he thinks it's a lost cause. 





dallasapple said:


> I do think its "atypical" my experience is only my personal life and talking over the years to hundreds of men on forums..top of the "list" for I dare say most is knowing she gets pleasure..its a turn on for most guys to turn her on.."typically" it seems they enjoy the 'challenge" and its like they "won" LOL>>>if she is pleasured..
> 
> Anytime I have told my husband "its just not going to happen for me"..that made him MORE determined..If Im like no SERIOUSLY you go ahead..then ...he was on a MISSION to SOON make sure that happened for me even the next few hours or 12 max..(I mean if he went ahead) ..its like it "bugged him "..he couldnt "make me "..He was "dissatisfied " with the "experience' mentally or emotionally even if he got the physical..
> 
> ...


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## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

perhaps not lasting has got to him and he's just given up. It's very demoralising for a man not to last all the time and embarrassing...have you tried to help him last longer without putting pressure onhim???


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have, actually. And we haven't even gotten that far in forever. For the past couple of months we have had sex twice Both times he has stopped me in the closet and basically just turned me around and went for it. That's his position of choice. And it is all quick and done. That he walks away and cleans up or goes and checks on our son. 



dabdab1000 said:


> perhaps not lasting has got to him and he's just given up. It's very demoralising for a man not to last all the time and embarrassing...have you tried to help him last longer without putting pressure onhim???


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> Well he has said in the past that he wants to satisfy me but he isn't capable.


You haven't adressed oral or using his fingers on you. As I've gotten older my timing has gotten quite erratic. Now I won't even attempt to insert myself without her having at least one O first. Takes the pressure off and does sometimes lead another O for her. This works quite well for. We did have to work getting the oral to be reliably enjoyable but it was well worth it.


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## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

I have a similar problem in that i'm not a stayer and i hate it, sometimes to the point i don't enjoy it. However, i haven't given up and please the wife in other ways.

If your H hasn't given up maybe sex therapy would help or pills, some anti depressants work. That's what i'm considering next, difference with my relationship tho is my wife isn't on board yet, but then again i haven't been completley open with her about this issue, for many reasons, but not sharing the problem in its self doesn't help stamina


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Why are you letting him just get up and walk away?

Take us through a sex scene....Is he hitting it right?...Is there passion?...Foreplay?

Has ever took you from the kitchen, threw you on the bed and just ravished your guts?...Is he imaginative in the sack, or is the sex like a bland bowl of corn flakes?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

After we first married he would refuse me from time to time. We've had decent sex a few times in 11 years. But I have never O with him. For the longest time he didn't seem to care. After much discussion, he finally started oral. It was terrible. 
Then we went down this strange path where he would basically just have me give him a hand job. He would come and never do anything to me. 

Now adays it's pretty much where we are at. Sucks!




Mr steal your girl said:


> Why are you letting him just get up and walk away?
> 
> Take us through a sex scene....Is he hitting it right?...Is there passion?...Foreplay?
> 
> Has ever took you from the kitchen, threw you on the bed and just ravished your guts?...Is he imaginative in the sack, or is the sex like a bland bowl of corn flakes?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Maybe you should give him his precious HJ but inform him he has 15 minutes to get back in the game and at that time you will be mounting him and grinding him until you are good and ready to stop. I would suggest you straddle him to make sure that no whiny words come out of him and he is doing something selfless for you while he is reloading. Reach back and help him back up, the second time he should be able to go awhile without any PE issues.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> I have never o with my husband. 11 years later. Never. He doesn't try though...I have no problems.... When I'm on my own.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Your husband is selfish.

EDIT- Sometimes you just have to take what you want.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> So this morning... I initiate. He laid there. Let me satisfy him and then got up and went to the bathroom. Is that common? Just laid there ... Enjoyed and left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, it's common.

Including but not limited to one or more of the following scenarios:

- When you're in a loveless relationship
- When your partner is getting it from someone else
- When they're no longer attracted to you
- When they see you as a "thing" instead of a person with feelings
- When they simply stop caring about you

Many long term marriages have these factors, so yes it's common.

Me, I'm post divorce a half a decade and I have gone from one relationship to the next with a fair amount of regularity and let me tell you, the "new car smell" NEVER gets old.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I don't know about anyone else but I am totally turned off by his actions. I don't want to force anything from someone that selfish toward me. It just totally turns me off. 



donders said:


> Yes, it's common.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

questionme2 said:


> I don't know about anyone else but I am totally turned off by his actions. I don't want to force anything from someone that selfish toward me. It just totally turns me off.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cut him off completely dont let him use you.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Maybe I should. I have in the past but then I feel like a bad wife. But when I initiate I get this kinda behavior. 

Sexless marriage? I suppose it's for the best. 



ladybird said:


> Cut him off completely dont let him use you.


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## dabdab1000 (Aug 8, 2012)

Sex isn't everything in a marriage despite what you read on here, however, it's very difficult to maintain a marriage if you're not haveing it.

Have you asked him why he treats you this way and doesn't make the effort and have you be honest about your feelings in the matter.

Tell him your not after sex all the time but it is important to you and unless he make more of an effort you'll end up resenting him, as, it sounds like you already do unfortunately


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

The sexless marriage may not be the smooth road you would hope for. This is what brought me to TAM in the first place. Check out this link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ontemplating-deliberate-sexless-marriage.html


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I have, actually. And we haven't even gotten that far in forever. For the past couple of months we have had sex twice Both times he has stopped me in the closet and basically just turned me around and went for it. That's his position of choice. And it is all quick and done. That he walks away and cleans up or goes and checks on our son.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To me this has gone beyond you just not getting sexually satisfied.Maybe Im more sensitive but if this is how it normally is..I would feel like I was being used as a mastabatory aid not being made love to..like just a hole with no feelings he is using to get off on.A blow up doll being pulled out to use then thrown in a corner ...

When he says sorry Im not good enough I would try and get him to empathise and say well would it be "good enough" for you if when you turn me around in the closet and start having sex with me if I had an orgasm then pulled away and walked off right in height of your excitiment but before you finished and walked off?Leaving you standing their with an erection and nothing but the air blowing on your penis?Its not "not good ENOUGH" its all bad ..its usery ...

The term "good enough" lends this situation anything positive and its unworthy of beign characterized as good in any way.

The thing is a lot of men cant "last" as far as penetration as long as it takes for her to O..or even if they can not necessarrily everytime..thats nothing to be "ashamed" of ..but thats why the term 'she comes first"..thats also what foreplay is for ..the majority of women would never O durign sex if the man just rolled on top of her stuck it in thrusted for 5 or even 10 mintues then rolled off of her..or grabbed her and bent her over a table and pumped away ..never "warming her up" or stimulating her in that right spot manually during ..What your describing is what I would call a "quickie" some couples do that in BETWEEN having longer sessions..thats a "warm up" for most women..

I guess what Im saying is for me that wouldnt not be "not good enough" its WORSE than not good enough..I wouldnt feel "left out" I would feel completely used and emotionally abused.

Dallas


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I'm not quite sure why, but it took me reading another persons thread about a woman denying sex and just using her vibrator to get an orgasm... To fully understand how bad my situation is. It's truly the direct opposite only I'm the toy! 

Dallas, your feedback made me laugh. Thank you. I guess I just read it and realized how ridiculous this whole thing had become. It would be one thing if we hadn't talked about this in the past... But we've been there and done that. I know all about the different love languages stuff, but I just don't know how to forgive this ... Isn't it universal? You don't use someone? 




dallasapple said:


> To me this has gone beyond you just not getting sexually satisfied.Maybe Im more sensitive but if this is how it normally is..I would feel like I was being used as a mastabatory aid not being made love to..like just a hole with no feelings he is using to get off on.A blow up doll being pulled out to use then thrown in a corner ...
> 
> When he says sorry Im not good enough I would try and get him to empathise and say well would it be "good enough" for you if when you turn me around in the closet and start having sex with me if I had an orgasm then pulled away and walked off right in height of your excitiment but before you finished and walked off?Leaving you standing their with an erection and nothing but the air blowing on your penis?Its not "not good ENOUGH" its all bad ..its usery ...
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Excatly..you are a warm flesh and blood "toy"..

What would you think of me if I said..how my husband and I normally have sex is pretty much I start grabbing his penis untill he gets an erection then I hop on top of him and ride him wildly like a cowgirl have a screaming orgasm then I hop right off of him and walk off humming a tune and start doing load of laundry or go get in the shower?While hes laying there with his penis sticking up in the air ?

What if I said "what???whats the problem with that?he takes too long its not worth the hassle"..Hey its not ALWAYS that way sometimes I just request he give me oral or manual stimulation instead...at LEAST sometimes he gets to put his penis in my vagina.....


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> What would you think of me if I said..how my husband and I normally have sex is pretty much I start grabbing his penis untill he gets an erection then I hop on top of him and ride him wildly like a cowgirl have a screaming orgasm then I hop right off of him and walk off humming a tune and start doing load of laundry or go get in the shower?While hes laying there with his penis sticking up in the air ?


Sounds kinda hot! 

Although you may find yourself bent over the washer shortly thereafter...


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You are absolutely right. Sad truth. It's just not right ... Ever. I mean if it's that time of the month.. I will do that. He doesn't like the mess... So I will just satisfy him. But it's just not right went I want sex too!




dallasapple said:


> Excatly..you are a warm flesh and blood "toy"..
> 
> What would you think of me if I said..how my husband and I normally have sex is pretty much I start grabbing his penis untill he gets an erection then I hop on top of him and ride him wildly like a cowgirl have a screaming orgasm then I hop right off of him and walk off humming a tune and start doing load of laundry or go get in the shower?While hes laying there with his penis sticking up in the air ?
> 
> What if I said "what???whats the problem with that?he takes too long its not worth the hassle"..Hey its not ALWAYS that way sometimes I just request he give me oral or manual stimulation instead...at LEAST sometimes he gets to put his penis in my vagina.....


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> So it's been more than a month since my husband initiated. We have had weird/bad sexual history. He can't last and refuses to address it.
> 
> So this morning... I initiate. He laid there. Let me satisfy him and then got up and went to the bathroom. Is that common? Just laid there ... Enjoyed and left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This much deeper than you think or some are commenting about. If he posted I bet the story would sound much different. He is not happy. No initiation in a month and then acting that way.... he is not interested - it is not a question of selfish. Talk to him. There is a problem, he is not happy. Or worse, something else is taking his attention.


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