# I cheated on my husband bc I felt neglected & for revenge, should I tell him?



## blindly26 (Jan 30, 2011)

We've been together for 5 years, married for 1, and we have 4 children under the age of 5 together. Usually when we fight my husband has left for a few days and then come home and I'd figure out on my own that he was courting other women, maintaining personal ads, visiting strip clubs, looking at porn, etc. He never copped up to doing these things, I straight up caught him. Well it's a burden I've always carried on my shoulders and he never really understood or sympathized for the hurt I felt and hates when I bring it up, gets very angry that I haven't healed. In addition, he's totally neglecting me in our marriage, I feel unappreciated, unattractive, overworked, overlooked, so on and so forth. I just don't feel like I'm of any value to him. Well to give him a taste of his own medicine, I left for a few days after one of our arguments mostly to clear my head. That was truly my only intention. But then I started hurting bc he didn't call me to come home, check up on if I was okay, address why I left or anything. I do all of those things when he leaves bc I want him home with me! So I ended up posting an ad on craigslist to find somebody to sleep with for one night, just for the experience and the thrill bc of all the resentment I feel towards my husband. For what he's done and what he isn't doing to meet my needs. So the guy I met came to my hotel room, turns out he's married also and struggling with the same feelings, and we sat down, played cards, drank, talked and then went back to my room. We kissed passionately (something my husband is terrible at), he grinder on me, we undressed each other, I grabbed him for a moment, he drank some of my breastmilk and went down on me. I got extremely uncomfortable bc he started getting aggressive and tried getting me to give him oral when I told him ahead of time I wouldn't, that I just wanted sex and he also didn't put on the condom I requested he wear. So I got up and asked him to leave. We didn't have sex, but hadn't he been aggressive we probably would have and regardless I was intimate with another man. Do I tell my husband? And more importantly how do I tell my husband? I'm concerned he'll want to know the details of who I was with, and the guy is a military officer on post where my husband works (they dont know each other) and more importantly, let's say my husband wants to take revenge, I don't want to have any part in ruining his marriage. We promised each other we'd be discreet. I feel awful for what I did, I did it bc inside I was crying out for my husbands attention. I'm also afraid that bc of the things my husband has done in the past, if I tell him thus will be an excuse for him to start a viscious cycle of revenging each other. I'm the last person he'd ever expect this from, I take pride in the "good girl" I've always been and don't want to break up our family when our marriage is already struggling. Please help!

Something I should add, that I know he'd use as his defense, is we were not married when he was with other women. So in his mind, after an argument when we separated to cool off, he feels that we were not together, even though we had children together and most of the times I was pregnant. Now we are married, so even though I valued him no less before we took our vows, he says he takes marriage seriously and that was him "before", in other words he feels his actions are more excusable. What's killing me is the only reason I want to tell him is bc I want him to feel my pain. That's why I did it in the first place. Now if I don't tell him, I have to live with this dark cloud following me everywhere and it defeats the purpose of why I did any of that. But, yes, I'm certain he'd use this as a card to play against me. Also, I know I'm lucky and I did exercise caution, but won't ever make a choice like this again.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

" I grabbed him for a moment, he drank some of my breastmilk and went down on me. I got extremely uncomfortable bc he started getting aggressive and tried getting me to give him oral when I told him ahead of time I wouldn't, that I just wanted sex and he also didn't put on the condom I requested he wear. So I got up and asked him to leave."

This is like a romance novel written by Jerry Springer.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

drank milk??!!! ok I been told weird stuff before but this is the most. 
and he tried without condom, I'm certain he got HIV. ( you should test yourself, since you mad out with him).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No, right now it will seam hard to get over the guilt, but it will get easier. In a few years you will be sleeping with several men and you will think that you are getting by. 

I will say with in ten years you will be so used to your H abuse and the abuse of being used by other men that you will stop caring all together and ONS will happen on a regular basis and leaving you H after he goes to bed it will mean nothing and your only focus is having that booty call with that young 25 year old stranger at the bar.

By the time your 50 your H will have come to terms and has left, you going on your 3rd divorce in 5 years and your kids resent your life style. In 10 or 15 more years you will be the lady on the news that died along with 100 cats in her house.

OR CONFRONT THE ISSUE TAKE THE CONSEQUENSES AND LIVE A HONEST LIFE FROM HERE ON OUT KNOWING THAT YOU ARE BETTER THEN THAT.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to tell him. Get therapy and think of your kids. I wonder what they think about mommy and daddy disappearing for a few days. What a toxic relationship. Please get some help.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

iftd,

Soon the kids will thinks it normal and when they grow up and have relationships, this behavior will be passed on


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Go ahead and tell him- What have you got to lose?
Sounds like you both lost it already.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Blindly26 - sorry you're at this point. 

Sounds like you both need some love and care. You need to learn lots of stuff. 

Head over to Affaircare.com or Marriagebuilders.com. Begin learning, together if possible. If he does not care too then you should being without him. 

You will learn to meet each others needs in a marriage and build that love tank that will keep each of you safely in the marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First, I'll just say that it's conceivable you may get some "less than loving" replies here. This site is not really very disloyal-friendly...so if that happens, rather than going away, please PM me and we can talk privately. 

Second, it sounds like there are lots of things going on and lots of behaviors that hurt you deeply, and probably behaviors that hurt your hubby deeply too. So I think the first thing you need to decide is "Do I want to save this marriage or not?" If you think about it and you do not, then I would recommend you do the decent thing and divorce the man now...and tell him about this incident so he can be medically tested and move on with his life. I'm not saying that's what I encourage you to do--but that might realistically be what you decide to do. 

On the other hand, if you really DO want to save this marriage, then I have two suggestions. Again, I do suggest that you tell him the truth about what happened, but right now you two are in a dynamic where you hurt him, he hurts you back, so you hurt him back, etc. You're like enemies. Ideally, when you're married to someone, the two of you are on the same team--like two folks both pulling an oar rowing in the same direction. So suggestion #1--you need to tell him, but suggestion #2--you may want to do that in front of a counselor so you have a neutral third party help you two work it out. If you're military folks, you might want to talk to the chaplain together for the counseling aspect, not necessarily the "religious" aspect. 

I do understand that some of his previous behaviors really, DEEPLY hurt you and you wanted him to have some sort of clue of what he did to you, so he'd stop it. Right? But lying and hiding only makes things worse--you learned this one when you were little huh? So, be brave; if you want to really work this out and grow together instead of apart, get a counselor or chaplain, tell the truth, and take personal responsibility for what you chose to do.


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