# The most interesting thing you will read today!!



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

...Or not... lol. But I wanted to try and get you all in with a catchy title so I can net some good advice from all of you. 

First thread I have started myself, have been reading anonymously for a loong time but am kind of at a crossroads here, so any advice from you lovely people would be appreciated!

Currently going through a separation with my husband, I moved myself and my young son out a month ago (after leaving once and going back, silly me). Long story short, I tried my best to implement the 180 (and am feeling MARVELLOUS!), I have found work, am at my mother's place with the intention of kiddo and I moving into our own place (which I am really looking forward to... x had more ornaments than i do, so the thought of not having to dust someone else's crap is just so overwhelming... aahh, the little things). So, I'm kind of looking forward to this scary new life 

I have tried to keep things as amicable as possible between x and I and I think we are now better behaved than ever. But here is where it gets sticky.

Obviously, spending 6 years with my husband has left me missing him. BUT, I left because we were in a situation where we were constantly fighting in front of bub (and it had gotten physical once). I had always told him that I wanted to hear what he had to say, but it had to be in a manner and tone that would not make bub upset, and that I did not want to be called names in front of my son. This wasn't adhered to, and I did not always react favourably, but did try a lot harder than he did. I felt like I could not even discuss any issue with my husband because he would go from zero to ranting, raving and nasty in under 5 minutes. After reading a lot from this site, I had improved the ways in which I responded (or didn't respond), and had tried every way I could think of to have a civil discussion. However, I was in no way perfect, and I accept my role in this, but made the decision to leave for my boy.

In short, I left because I thought it was an unhealthy situation for my boy to be in. The last argument, I told him quietly that I was packing my stuff and moving back to Mum's. Cue throwing stuff, breaking my things, verbally attacking me like nothing else. I said nothing more, just tended to my son (I was told I had pissed him off and he would not help with our boy while I was packing). Then we left.

I think it is a case of him missing me when I'm gone. I really don't know what I want to do in regards to my husband, as he wants to reconcile. I told him this will not happen until he undergoes counselling for anger and other issues, with the view to then go to MC together to see if it is going to be worth our time. And without a doubt, communication has been better and we are managing to be around each other without wanting to kill each other. I am just worried this will all turn out to be lip service, or that he will go to counselling just to say he has, but waste his time by not being honest because "he doesn't have a problem, it is all my fault", and paying a therapist lip service. I don't want to totally just give up, but at the same time I am so tired of doing all this and would really just like a sounding-board to bounce ideas off.

Sorry about the long post guys, but would really love some input and perspective on whether I am wasting my time thinking things may get better. I have just given the abridged version, but I am hoping it is well rounded enough to get some advice.
Cheers!


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

...so apologies in advance for this most certainly NOT being the most interesting thing you have read all day.... lol, false advertising much? 
*Resisting urges to keep coming back on to thread to apologise for obnoxious manner in which I have lulled you all in....damn, where is the I can't believe I am obsessing over this anonymous post"" smiley??*


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Having grown up with a constantly angry father, I have zero tolerance for that sort of thing. IMHO, you were right to leave.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Hi,
Thanks for your reply, I'm glad someone did.... I have a distinct feeling the lack of replies have something to do with obnoxious title/vs content. Whoops. Will remember that one for later.
Did your father ever seek help for his anger problem? I guess what I'm trying to get at (but didn't really get to so eloquently), is whether this kind of thing in a relationship can be helped through counselling?
I don't want to totally give up if this is something counselling can help, but I feel very reluctant to even hope things might change, and it's certainly not something I want to throw my son back into if hope is bleak for actual change.
Thanks again, OldGirl


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## broken1234 (Mar 22, 2012)

IMO... if he has a history of waiting till the last minute to change or work on things then he probably wont change. 

what scares me most is it has become violent in front of your son, never good...


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

thanks broken,
Exactly why i left, luckily, he is so young at the moment that he will not remember it, but the bad vibes in the air from fighting were just awful, you could see it was affecting him, and I couldn't imagine living with myself if he was witness to something like that when he is going through the years where his understanding of how things work is based off mum and dad, and if he remembered it and carried that on in his life. The incident had occurred a number of months ago, and ever since when I have tried to talk to him about it to see if he would minimise and blameshift in the way abusive people tend to typically do, I wasn't surprised.
He has spoken to a couple of counsellors and is apparently trying to organise a session for IC, but what you mention is what I am afraid of. That even with a counsellor's help, he won't change (and I know I am just assuming the worst before giving him a real go, and feel bad for doing so, but the past has shown too many repetitions).


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

alone_not_lonely said:


> Hi,
> Thanks for your reply, I'm glad someone did.... I have a distinct feeling the lack of replies have something to do with obnoxious title/vs content. Whoops. Will remember that one for later.
> Did your father ever seek help for his anger problem? I guess what I'm trying to get at (but didn't really get to so eloquently), is whether this kind of thing in a relationship can be helped through counselling?
> I don't want to totally give up if this is something counselling can help, but I feel very reluctant to even hope things might change, and it's certainly not something I want to throw my son back into if hope is bleak for actual change.
> Thanks again, OldGirl


I'm afraid I can't be much help to you. My father never got help, so I don't know how likely it is that counseling will help with anger issues. 

I can understand your reluctance to call it quits, especially with a young child, but "ranting, raving and nasty" "throwing stuff, breaking things, verbally attacking me" is just too much. It really scares me.

Anyway, wish I could've been more helpful. There are a lot of smart helpful people on here, so maybe you should try re-posting if you don't get more responses on this thread. Good luck.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i'm sorry i can't help, i do agree with broken and i thought your header was cute


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

OldGirl- I'm sorry your father never got help, you seem like a really sweet person based off what I have read in here and from your other posts. It's unfortunate that he ruined a relationship between the two of you like that. Lol, fortunately I am out of there, but it's reluctance to jump back into it with bub. And you have been helpful, seeing words like "it really scares me" tends to sober me up a little more. Truth be told (weak woman I am), if it hadn't of been for bub, I would have probably put up with it for longer, rationalising his behaviour as my fault. Granted, he has not shown behaviour that makes me think he would treat bub directly like he has me, but I know him acting like that indirectly affects our boy. But, as I said, I know I had a part to play in all this, but his actions are totally his own, and yes, they are scary. 

Cabbage- hehe, thanks, cute works better than obnoxious  unfortunately at 3am, nothing camer out the way i wanted after the week i've had. If anyone would like to lace my cup of tea with whiskey, I'll turn a blind eye so they can do so


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Here's a dash - you can turn back around now. And no harm done with the title. People here really want to help - no need to try tricking anyone.

Unless he gets help and develops a new track record of doing the right thing - you are right to create distance. 

And don't sell yourself short - you did what you needed to do for now and that took courage. Give yourself some credit. Time to start building up that confidence and putting the focus on you and your son.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Cheers guy! Never suspected a thing, hehe. Thanks for the reply also. 
That probably will be the best option to let him work on himself, I just wonder how to act through all this, considering he is making more steps towards doing the right thing (eg counselling, making sure he is a part of his son's life)? I mean, how am I supposed to play this other than trying my best to keep things casual and friendly and keeping the distance? Ugh.
And as for confidence, I don't think I've had balls like this since I was 16... The confidence coming back is just incredible, a total rush lol.
The only other thing that is really getting to me apart from the ex is the mother-guilt of working and leaving kiddo with his grandmother...sometimes my hours are 15 hour days and while I love the industry I'm back into, and I know making the money so we can live is the important thing, still get the guilts... Everything one step at a time I suppose.
Thanks again for the words of wisdom to all who posted, I will start another thread a bot note defined (sans sneaky title) to see if hI can find anyone whose other half went through ic for anger issues to see if it made a difference.
Cheers all


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Hey Alone - I came across a poster on here who had a problem with anger and got help. His name is Calvin. Maybe it would be helpful to you to read his story or post a question to him. 
He hangs out in the reconciliation forum, or go to community then members list to find him. Just a thought


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