# We've become roomates raising children, don't know what to do.



## redskin10 (Feb 28, 2013)

I've been married for 8 years and have two wonderful little kids. When I first married, I lived in a different state. After some time, my wife told me that she wanted to live closer to her family. It was a rough period, I had a great job, wonderful friends, and I didn't want to go, but chose the path that would make my wife happy. 

It's been 5 years since I moved, and I managed to find a good job and in that time, we gave birth to two wonderful children whom I love very much.

However, for the last year or so, the relationship between my wife and I has morphed into that of us just being roommates. We're a great team to those children and I think we're great parents, but whatever feelings we shared for each other and any desire we have to jump into the sack have all but disappeared. I did everything I could to make my wife happy, moved closer to her family, bought her the house she wanted, pay the majority of the bills, etc. I feel I've done more than my share to make her happy.

I always continuously feel like I made a bad decision moving and leaving what I had built back in my home state in an effort to make somebody happy. I love my children with all my heart and can't bear the thought of leaving them and therein lies my dilemma. If the children weren't in the picture, I'd probably be gone by now, but the fact is, they are in the picture and I don't know what to do.

Has anybody gone through a similar problem? I'm willing to overlook quite a few things, but I need affection, I want my romantic advances to be accepted, and I want my wife to appreciate the sacrifices I made and the efforts I've put forth. Anything less is unacceptable to me.

I now feel the urge to leave, go back to where I came from, but I cannot leave my children behind. I feel like I've been pushed into a corner and I'm stuck


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Just curious... have you met someone else by chance? Not just in the "full on affair" sense, but have you even started opening up to another woman, sharing personal thoughts, become friendly with, etc.?


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## redskin10 (Feb 28, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Just curious... have you met someone else by chance? Not just in the "full on affair" sense, but have you even started opening up to another woman, sharing personal thoughts, become friendly with, etc.?


cdbaker, there isn't anybody "new" per se. I've always remained friendly with women that I dated prior to my wife. Hard to believe, but those handful of relationships all ended on good terms. I've leveraged a couple of those friendships as an outlet to discuss things I don't feel I can openly discuss with my wife, and it has helped in terms of being able to talk, but not with taking any action.


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## redskin10 (Feb 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> First realize nobody pushed you into this corner. You did it willingly possibly because you thought it would solve your marital problems. Now you realize it didn't.
> 
> She takes everything you did for granted and you resent her for that.
> 
> The first line of defense is to destabilize the relationship. Do you have any leverage?


Mavash, you are right, I feel quite a bit of resentment. I wish I could just let it go, but I can't. Maybe I'm dense here, but what do you mean by destabilizing the relationship? I don't feel its stable now. Can you give me some examples? What could I possibly use as leverage?

Sorry, I'm just really confounded and feel like there's no way out. I love those kids so darn much, that I feel like I'm ready to just say screw it and tough it out until they leave the house 14 years from now.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

So, I didn't see it specifically mentioned. But have you legitimately voiced your opinion? 

She might be resigned to this lifestyle. There is no reason to change, grow, or become a better person. 

In the short term, you are screwed. 

The long term is you need to find a way to challenge her to meet your needs and re-open the portal from comfort to passion and appreciation. 

She has no need to meet sexual needs. Nobody does when you get down to it. It's hard being on your side of the fence, brutal even. I empathize. 

As far as shaking things up. Time to become the person you want to be, and leave her to decide if its worth staying. 

Do you have a hobby? If not, get one, no up to 3 hobby's. If you already do, get 3 more and FAST. Preferably something that can put you in front of other women. (You are not here to cheat though.) 

Stop supporting her lifestyle. You built (purchased) a house, gave her a lifestyle she wanted, what about you? Go out and live yourself. Open a separate bank account NOW. Close or remove yourself from any joint accounts. If you want an extreme, drop her from your cell phone plan and credit cards as well.

Can you do pushups? If your answer is anything bellow 50. Hit the gym, hard. Start flirting with women, in front of her. Do not say no to any advances. Become a tease.

Do all of this for yourself. You have given up your masculinity in the name of family, comfort, and an easy road. Life is no fairy tale, and there is no happily ever after. She will never reward you for providing for her and your family, EVER, and if she did, it will never feel like enough or worse, she feels like she "has to meet your needs" and you get pity intimacy. 

Go buy a book on better sex to. Read it in front of her. You can only make yourself better. If she can't join you, make that gap so wide that you can't stay together unless she decides to take the journey with you. 

If after all this, love is not restored, then file for divorce, and start taking those offers up. 

I had the most sex in my previous marriage, when my ex-wife would be so po'd at me because I would passively flirt with other women in front of her. 

Just an FYI.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You've trained your wife that she's a princess and she gets everything at your expense. It will take time to undo that dynamic that you yourself created.


Understand. Doing what we say. May not work. You might have to divorce over this, or learn to accept it as is. 

Let me sum up some misconceptions. 

# Happiness is more about the pursuit of. You have given her what makes her happy. But, it doesn't end there, and it never will. Break that cycle, and make her responsible for her own happiness. 

# You have given her everything she "wanted" and better yet she didn't have to work for it. What has she given up? Did she have a great career? Are you ugly? Are you bad at sex? Do your children have special needs?

# The moment you put your family above yourself, she lost all attraction to you. Perhaps gradually over time, but now to fix that, you are going to have to be "a jerk" who never gives her what she needs to be happy. 

# She never owed you anything, much less sex. That is a convert contract that is toxic. Being upset about the lack of sex is fine. But she never owed you a thing. Unless she specifically said, "Get me this house and i'll give you all the intimate passionate sex you want." Then she never owed you a thing. 

No, being told "I'd have more sex with you if...." isn't the same thing. 

# Do this for yourself. Start working on yourself, the only person you can change is the one in the mirror. Sometimes the other person follows your lead, sometimes, they don't and you have to move on.


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## redskin10 (Feb 28, 2013)

hope4family said:


> So, I didn't see it specifically mentioned. But have you legitimately voiced your opinion?
> 
> She might be resigned to this lifestyle. There is no reason to change, grow, or become a better person.
> 
> ...


While our level of communication with each other really sucks, I have voiced my opinion on the things I'd like to change, but nothing changes. I've even asked if there are things about me that need to change, and the responses I got were so silly, I almost laughed. For example, I normally get her flowers on the day's that all us men are supposed to get them flowers....valentines, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. But now, I'm supposed to forgo the regular tradition and get her flowers randomly. Ok, fine, I've started doing that. I figure that if I can eliminate her needs, then she can focus on mine. So far, I've been wrong and nothing has changed.

It's funny you said to hit the gym. I have. Hard. Since November. I'm 42 and probably in the best shape I've been in since my late 20's. While I may not be a prime candidate for a GQ photo shoot, I'm certainly not every woman's type, but I do get looks. My wife is not in the greatest of shape. She's had trouble losing all the weight from the birthing days. However, I don't care about that and it doesn't turn me off sexually, but I think she is more distressed about it than I am, yet she chooses to do nothing about it.

My finances are already totally separate...we never combined them...probably because I had some foresight.

I could probably cheat on her in a heartbeat. I have several friendly relationships with women where one or two of them would not reject any advance I made. One of them has already told me so. However, I'm trying very, very hard not to be "that guy." My wife doesn't know about this, so she doesn't really know that a threat exists. However, I feel that if I reveal the threat, then a condition moving forward will be that my friendly relationships cannot continue, and that's B.S., considering I have more female friends then male friends.

The real issue I have here are my kids. I almost cannot fathom leaving and not having them with me, which I know is a pipe dream in today's legal system. I absolutely love them, putting them to sleep, waking them up, and just being a dad in general and doing things with them. 

If I can't get things back on track with my wife, I don't know what do to. It's easy to talk about getting in shape, flirting with other women, gaining leverage, etc., but at the end of the day, if things don't work out, how I do I continue to cope? How do I move on knowing that I'm, in essence, abandoning my children and their home? This is the part that absolutely kills me. If I can't work it out and things don't change, I'm going to be miserable. If I leave and am without my kids, I'm going to be miserable. I'm having a LOT of trouble seeing the forest through the trees here.

As I said before, If I didn't have kids, I would have probably bolted by now.

I appreciate the advice and words you've given me. It certainly helps to get different perspectives on things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just to help understand more:



redskin10 said:


> I've even asked if there are things about me that need to change, and the responses I got were so silly, I almost laughed. For example, I normally get her flowers on the day's that all us men are supposed to get them flowers....valentines, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. But now, I'm supposed to forgo the regular tradition and get her flowers randomly.


I do not think her request is silly at all. When you get her flowers on a day that is a prescribed, mandatory gift day she feels that you are just going through the motions.

She is wanting some spontaneity, something that comes from you really feeling the desire to give her something special. She, perhaps, wants something with passion behind it.

When you now her flowers on random days, what is your though process? It just that you think something like, well today’s a good day to do what she asked? Or do you do it on days when you have a strong desire to give her a gift?



redskin10 said:


> Ok, fine, I've started doing that. I figure that if I can eliminate her needs, then she can focus on mine. So far, I've been wrong and nothing has changed.


This indicates that things are still very broken. There is a very good book that I think you’d benefit from. It will explain why she might not be responding. It will also explain a lot about why you feel the way you do… and how to go about fixing the issues in your marriage.: _His Needs, Her Needs_ by Dr. Harley.
Could you give a couple more examples of what she wants that you think is silly?



redskin10 said:


> It's funny you said to hit the gym. I have. Hard. Since November. I'm 42 and probably in the best shape I've been in since my late 20's. While I may not be a prime candidate for a GQ photo shoot, I'm certainly not every woman's type, but I do get looks. My wife is not in the greatest of shape. She's had trouble losing all the weight from the birthing days. However, I don't care about that and it doesn't turn me off sexually, but I think she is more distressed about it than I am, yet she chooses to do nothing about it.


She needs something to shake up her life to get her to take care of herself.


redskin10 said:


> My finances are already totally separate...we never combined them...probably because I had some foresight.


I got the impression that your wife is a SAHM. So if your finances are separate, how does she have any money at all? 

Having separate finances with you in control of all the money could very well be a huge part of the problem. 

What access does your wife have to money? 


redskin10 said:


> I could probably cheat on her in a heartbeat. I have several friendly relationships with women where one or two of them would not reject any advance I made. One of them has already told me so. However, I'm trying very, very hard not to be "that guy." My wife doesn't know about this, so she doesn't really know that a threat exists. However, I feel that if I reveal the threat, then a condition moving forward will be that my friendly relationships cannot continue, and that's B.S., considering I have more female friends then male friends.


Do you talk to any of these women about your marriage and your wife? If so how many of them and how long has this been going on?


redskin10 said:


> The real issue I have here are my kids. I almost cannot fathom leaving and not having them with me, which I know is a pipe dream in today's legal system. I absolutely love them, putting them to sleep, waking them up, and just being a dad in general and doing things with them.


You can have your children 50% of the time. That getting to be the norm today. So this is an excuse.


redskin10 said:


> If I can't get things back on track with my wife, I don't know what do to. It's easy to talk about getting in shape, flirting with other women, gaining leverage, etc., but at the end of the day, if things don't work out, how I do I continue to cope? How do I move on knowing that I'm, in essence, abandoning my children and their home? This is the part that absolutely kills me. If I can't work it out and things don't change, I'm going to be miserable. If I leave and am without my kids, I'm going to be miserable. I'm having a LOT of trouble seeing the forest through the trees here.


Advice like flirting with other women is silly. If your wife stated flirting with other men, would it help you marriage?

There are unilateral actions you can take that will shake up your marriage in a good way. You cannot force her to change. But you can be the catalyst for positive change.

There’s a very good study that followed unhappy couples for several years. Five years after the start of the study, 85% of the unhappy couples had turned things around and were very happy. It’s completely possible.

Let’s start with one simple thing. How many hours a week do you spend with your wife doing date-like things, just the two of you?


redskin10 said:


> As I said before, If I didn't have kids, I would have probably bolted by now.


Your wife has probably known this for a long time. 


redskin10 said:


> I appreciate the advice and words you've given me. It certainly helps to get different perspectives on things.


Keep working at it.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

redskin10 said:


> If I can't get things back on track with my wife, I don't know what do to. * It's easy to talk about getting in shape, flirting with other women, gaining leverage, etc., but at the end of the day, if things don't work out, how I do I continue to cope?* How do I move on knowing that I'm, in essence, abandoning my children and their home? This is the part that absolutely kills me. If I can't work it out and things don't change, I'm going to be miserable. If I leave and am without my kids, I'm going to be miserable. I'm having a LOT of trouble seeing the forest through the trees here.
> 
> As I said before, If I didn't have kids, I would have probably bolted by now.
> 
> I appreciate the advice and words you've given me. It certainly helps to get different perspectives on things.


You love your kids. So you feel like you have to choose. Toxic resentment of your wife, or breaking up a family. Tough choice. 

Ever consider bolting and splitting the kids 50-50? If you haven't cheated yet then you wouldn't be the first who bolted because it wasn't working out. 

What kind of example do you want to be for your children? Do you want them to grow up and the day they turn 18 learn that you only stayed because of them? 

What you are doing sounds admirable. But is it really?

Have you told your wife that you both make excellent parents but a piss poor relationship? Have you told her you are considering divorce because your lack of happiness has become toxic and you worry that you are setting a wrong example for your children by staying? 

Instead of staying together for the kids, have you ever presented your wife with the scenario on "working on making it better for the kids?" 

Also, read 5 love languages, have her take the test herself. If you can get her to read it even better. Share your results of what your love languages are and work slow habit changes in. 

Remember though, you do those simple actions to show you love each other. Transitioning from love as a chemical, to love as a choice.


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