# Frustrated, lonely wife



## iri (May 7, 2015)

I'm not really sure how many wives go without, but all I ever find are men talking about lack of sexual activity from their spouses.

I've been married going on 3 years. We've been together a total of 10. (I was the one who held off marriage.)

My husband is a wonderful guy, kind, thoughtful, and he's been very helpful since I've developed a number of chronic pain conditions. The only issue is... well, the ****** never puts out. Maybe once a month if I'm lucky I'll get some kind of sloppy, (literally) painful attempt at sex. He doesn't like me touching him or initiating sex. He says it makes him uncomfortable... so I don't do that anymore.

We've had this talk over and over well over the years. It's gone from polite "hey, this is how I feel" to straight on ugly fights. Mostly, he seems to feel sex isn't important. If he was asexual or something, then fine, he's asexual. That's a bad roll of the dice in a partner, but I can live with that. But he's NOT asexual. He masturbates a lot. Very, very early in our relationship he used to cheat on me to contact people to phone sex and cybersex while I was at work. It nearly ended our relationship quite early, but hey, we stuck it out. He apologized, and said he'd never do it again. So, it isn't a matter of him being non-sexual; he's just non-sexual WITH ME... a living, breathing person.

Which I've begged him to ask if it's something about me. I've not gained any weight over the past 10 years. I'm the same as when he's met me.

Well, shortly before we got married he made a solemn promise "to do better". All I asked for is once a week. My drive is much higher than that, but once a week I can live with. He did do it for a few months, but that fizzled out. Now I'm back to where I started, but... stuck. Financially, legally, etc.

It's hard not to feel like a terrible person. He does a good job of making me feel like one when I bring it up. "It's JUST sex." He'd rather cuddle, but I don't want to cuddle. If I wanted a cuddle buddy, then I'd have found one. Sometimes he tells me he doesn't feel like a man, and I don't say anything in response. Mostly because I don't feel like he's a man either.

Sometimes I've thought of just getting up and going. The only thing holding me back is that before we got together he was homeless and living on the street. He says I gave him a home. Now I'm the main breadwinner of us. I make 3x what he does, and he's said before that if I left he'd be homeless again. I'd feel terrible about sending him back out on the streets.

Mainly, I feel lonely. It's tough being the only woman at your job, and being surrounded by gorgeous, hardworking MEN. I want to touch someone again and feel him shudder beneath me. I don't want to cuddle. I don't want a sexless partner (a roommate). I'm not sure if this can be fixed, or if there's anything I can even do at this point. Mainly I'm just talking into the wind I hope to find out if I'm the only wife out there feeling this way. I wouldn't cheat on him, but I do feel trapped now.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

It's easy to understand how you feel, because many of us (guys) feel trapped in sexless (or near-sexless) marriages.

Perhaps important to remember:

* This is nothing to do with you, it's typical LD (low desire) partner approach.
* Familiarity breeds contempt.
* It's normal for the LD partner to lose interest in 2-3 years.
* If s/he had a new partner, s/he would be frisky again. 
* But it's not YOU or your fault.
* Logic just doesn't work here. You just can't convince the LD partner...
* Without sex, anyone in a relationship would get angry, frustrated, bitter....

Contrary to what others think, I'd say it's okay to seize sex whenever you get a chance with your husband/wife. That's what a marriage contract enjoins and that what you can/should expect. Don't let him/her numb your sexual life by insults. Gently but firmly say you expect it, and just take it. Regardless of whether he/she feigns total disinterest or whatever....

All the best. I feel your pain...


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

He's replacing your sex life with porn. That's got to stop. The porn is not real sex, his brain has gotten too used to the porn. So sex with you is not as stimulating. 

So I have to ask, what made you fall for a homeless guy living on the street?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

iri

first of all, know something for sure. there are many, many, probably hundreds of thousands or millions of women out there suffering from sexless (or near) marriages.
How do I know? I was a member of a forum called 'living in sexless marriage'. the stories were hundreds of men and women suffering heartbreak and misery. I would say most of the stories posted were women. you are not alone by a long shot.

that doesn't help your situation though. maybe make you feel a little bit better. but you have to decide what's best for you. even if you love this guy. you can't just stay because he will be homeless. I made that mistake myself and regretted it.


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## iri (May 7, 2015)

jerry123 said:


> So I have to ask, what made you fall for a homeless guy living on the street?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We were friends before he became homeless. I had already had a thing for him prior to it. Finding him homeless was just coincidental. I felt compelled to act. We've made a good team since besides the sex thing.


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## iri (May 7, 2015)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> One other thing to consider - maybe he just doesn't love you but is afraid of being homeless without you. Sorry to sound harsh but I haven't heard anything to indicate this isn't true


I have considered this, and brought it up once in one of our fights. That was an ugly day. He said he felt incredibly hurt that I would even feel that way about him. On all fronts he's improved since that day, because that's when I first got my results from my pain conditions.

He's taken on more responsibility in the home, more cooking, more cleaning. He gets things that are in my "no-reach" zone due to my bad shoulders.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

MarriedGuy221 said:


> I can masturbate in the morning and still be COMPLETELY ready to go with my wife every night and I'm 53. The masturbation is a red herring...


Maybe you can... but that doesn't hold true for me.

If I masturbate, I'm spent and take 36-48 hours to feel like sex again... about your age too.

Of course, it's sometimes easier to just masturbate. Work pressures. Lesser chance of rejection... but if I knew I was getting sex, I would definitely not masturbate instead.

But I'm HD and deprived


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

iri said:


> I have considered this, and brought it up once in one of our fights. That was an ugly day. He said he felt incredibly hurt that I would even feel that way about him. On all fronts he's improved since that day, because that's when I first got my results from my pain conditions.
> 
> He's taken on more responsibility in the home, more cooking, more cleaning. He gets things that are in my "no-reach" zone due to my bad shoulders.


Now he almost sounds better than you first painted him


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

brownmale said:


> Maybe you can... but that doesn't hold true for me.
> 
> If I masturbate, I'm spent and take 36-48 hours to feel like sex again... about your age too.
> 
> ...



It's different for a guy/girl to masterbate. Guys usually only wach porn to do it. Woman I assume can lay in bed or use shower head to orgasm. Since there are millions of different vids on Internet to watch a guy can get endless supply for his porn brain. 

He needs to stop. You have to demand it. Or he won't stop. There has to be consequences and that's how you'll fix this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You might consider getting a close look at the kind of porn he is into. It might be stuff you cannot provide, or he is too embarrassed to ask you to do/be a part of. 

I hate to put it this way, but he is not into you sexually and that should be a deal breaker given how important it is to you.


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## iri (May 7, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You might consider getting a close look at the kind of porn he is into. It might be stuff you cannot provide, or he is too embarrassed to ask you to do/be a part of.
> 
> I hate to put it this way, but he is not into you sexually and that should be a deal breaker given how important it is to you.


That is a good idea. I mean... I've tried it before. To participate in his "thing". I think the fact that it didn't produce the desired results I wanted, that I shoved it away in disgust and hurt. To me it felt like he was choosing the thing over me, so I refused to provide the thing until he started choosing me.

Which in hindsight seems like it only made the rift bigger. Perhaps I will lick my wounded pride and approach it gingerly again.


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## iri (May 7, 2015)

brownmale said:


> Now he almost sounds better than you first painted him


Hahaha, true. Us having to adjust to me being in pain nearly 24/7 has been tough. I feel like giving him credit in that regard is important. There are a lot of things I simply can't do anymore. Simple things that we take for granted.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Again, he is basing your sex life on his porn habit. 

You can't imagine how many marriages probably fail due to this. 

Google "brain on porn"....Have him watch or you can watch the video.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Here is the link I think Jerry was referring to.

Gary's TEDx talk - "The Great Porn Experiment" | Your Brain On Porn

And you have to take in the context of what turns him on which, across the human experience, can be really strange stuff.

Woman with objects fetish marries Eiffel Tower - Telegraph

So If he has a fetish that is a little off, or you cannot or have difficulty providing, and he is obsessing on the idolized image of that fetish, it will never work any more than you can become a large steel structure hundreds of feet tall.

He has to normalize his expectations of sex by getting away from porn and you might have to meet him at what he is into if you are willing and able.


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## iri (May 7, 2015)

Hey!

I just want to thank everyone. After posting this I gathered up the courage to talk to my husband again, and reveal that I've been contemplating that we should gather up our finances and split. I'd give him time to get enough money saved up for a deposit so he wouldn't be homeless, etc.

He said he had an inkling that's what I was thinking about, and he apologized that he's let things get this bad.

The long and short he says he desperately wants me to touch him, but he just doesn't know how to let me in. So we're going to try this.... basically starting from square one.

I'm really hopeful.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It doesn't seem prudent to be hopeful because of this....



iri said:


> Well, shortly before we got married he made a solemn promise "to do better". All I asked for is once a week. My drive is much higher than that, but once a week I can live with. He did do it for a few months, but that fizzled out.


It kind of doesn't matter what people say at the 11th hour, you know?

You already know who he is and he's not going to change into what you need.

He can "try" but do you honestly want sex with a man who has to "try" to be into it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IF you do try to fix this, make sure that you get help. Find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. They have things that they can teach the two of you to hopefully you two.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I'm sorry if this is a depressing to hear but I would question whether he is sexually attracted to you. Although I'm sure you are sexually attractive to many guys, I wonder if he has other tastes or if the chemistry is just not there for him. Why do I question this? It sounds like you came together as a couple through him needing your help. Although this might lead people to friendship, it might not necessarily create a spark of sexual attraction.

In earlier days did he show that he really wants you sexually? Or is it that you've never seen this side of him. Sexual attraction and libido can strengthen and weaken over time but I would be concerned if strong animal desire was never a feature of your relationship.

I think his comment that he doesn't feel like a man might hold the key to figuring this out. Why does he not feel like a man? Is it because you 'rescued' him and continue to take care of him and you earn more? Is it because he has sexual performance problems with a woman? Is it that he is struggling with his sexual preferences? Unless it's part of some kind of fetish, I don't think most men can have sexually fulfilling relationships with women if they don't feel like a man in the relationship. When it comes down to it, are you a mother figure for him?

We men are usually very simple. It's hard for us to resist a woman when the fundamentals of animal attraction are there and cuddling just doesn't cut it for most guys. It's sad because i believe that a basic need for most women is to be desired sexually by men and cuddling isn't going to give you that feeling. Maybe I just have an animal kingdom view of relationships  If all he can offer is a platonic cuddling relationship then I think it's time to discuss splitting (as you have) or some other arrangement that can lead to your basic needs being met.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

iri said:


> ...I've been married going on 3 years. We've been together a total of 10. (I was the one who held off marriage.)
> 
> ...The only issue is... well, *the ****** never puts out*. Maybe once a month if I'm lucky *I'll get some kind of sloppy, (literally) painful attempt at sex.* *He doesn't like me touching him or initiating sex.* *He says it makes him uncomfortable... so I don't do that anymore.*
> 
> ...





iri said:


> ...*Finding him homeless was just coincidental. I felt compelled to act. *We've made a good team since besides the sex thing.





iri said:


> Hahaha, true. Us having to adjust to me being in pain nearly 24/7 has been tough. *I feel like giving him credit in that regard is important.* There are a lot of things I simply can't do anymore. Simple things that *we take for granted*.





iri said:


> ...I gathered up the courage to talk to my husband again, and reveal that I've been contemplating that we should gather up our finances and split.
> 
> ...He said he had an inkling that's what I was thinking about, and he apologized that he's let things get this bad.
> 
> ...


First of all, congratulations on gathering the courage to talk to him. Secondly, I wish you luck. 

Third get some professional help, principally a marriage councelor with a specialty in sex therapy. It can really help if you get a good one. 

My next suggestion is that you get the book, Told Me Tight, by Sue Johnson. She understands and writes about the importance of touch as a major form of communication and human bonding. Your H has told you that he needs you to touch him but doesn't know how to let you in. You have said you don't want to cuddle, you want to FU*K. You need to understand how imporant touch is to primates and especially your H.

The next book you need to read is Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. It is found usually in the religious section at book stores, although it is not really a book with much religion in it. It is about marriages and what it takes to make someone feel truly loved. You H probably has Touch as his princpal Love Language. To make him feel loved and cherished you will need to learn how to express your love for him (via touch not sex) in a way that he understands at a primal level. 

Perhaps you can even learn how to work touch into foreplay between you and your H, such as learning how to provide him with a sensual/sexual massage prior to getting the sex that you want.

Now the downside. When you do get into therapy, tell the marriage counselor about your "feeling compelled to save him from his homelessness" also tell the counselor about how when your H said he didn't feel like a man, you said nothing, but agreed silently that he wasn't. The white knight syndrom is usually a man saving a woman, but the reverse also happens. It is not a good basis for a long term relationship.

Furthermore, when he said he didn't feel like a man, he was hoping you would tell him otherwise. It was a test. You failed the test and confirmed his fears. Spouses can read body language, tone of voice, and silence far better that most people beleive. He knew what you were saying in your silence.

As to your early comments about him being a bad lover, he probably also knows how you feel about his sexual skills, which may be a big reason he isn't into having sex with you or allowing you to initiate sex. Why would a man want to have sex with a woman only to have her body language tell him he isn't any good at it? That is an ultimate emotional slap in the face for a man. It would make most men feel very unmanly. 

Something like that could drive a man to porn as a way to satisfy his sexual urges. You might want to do some introspection on the things you MAY have done to contribute to your own sexual frustration. That is why a sex therapist will be important. You BOTH have things to learn and *un-learn *about your shared sexuality.

You have a lot of things to do to repair your relationship, but you seem to have the courage to tackle the challenge. Good luck to the both of you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

There's a lot going on here, and people have already done a great job of covering most of it. I didn't see anyone talk about this though, so I'm just going to mention it.



iri said:


> I've developed a number of chronic pain conditions.


To me, the above would be a significant turn off. It's no fun having sex with someone who's in pain. And I'd have to be pretty desperate to initiate sex with someone who complains about being in pain. Sorry, I know there's not much you can do about it. That's just how I feel.



iri said:


> Maybe once a month if I'm lucky I'll get some kind of sloppy, (literally) painful attempt at sex.


So again, when he tries to have sex with you, you're in pain. This is not something that is going to make him want to try it again the next day. I get that you're basically saying that he's bad in bed. But if he feels that he has to walk on eggshells while having sex, how is he supposed to experiment or improve. He's probably gotten to the point where he feels anything he does is going to be the wrong thing. Not sexy.



iri said:


> Sometimes he tells me he doesn't feel like a man, and I don't say anything in response. Mostly because I don't feel like he's a man either.


He asks for validation, maybe a tiny amount of ego stroking. But you can't bring yourself to do it, because you just don't feel that way about him. He, of course, knows this. Your non-response is very telling. This is a trap. I know because I fall into it often. FW is fond of pointing this out to me. If I'm putting out the hate vibe, or the disappointed vibe, that's not going to put my wife in the mood. She picks up on it and would rather not be with me if I don't like her. Your husband is likely the same. Putting himself out there after he's been disrespected in this way is a very tall order.

Do you feel that, if he were a real man, he would take you often despite your chronic pain and sex being painful to you? Is that what real men do?


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