# How a Man Thinks......



## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

Good morning.....

My husband and I separated a few months ago. I asked him to move out. I wanted him to become more responsible and take ownership of his life.

I found myself being discontent in our relationship due to what I felt like was lack of responsibility on his part and us being so disconnected. I was needing quality time with him to reconnect and feel that strong sense of love. It didn't seem like a priority to him. I gave him suggestions on what he could try to initiate time with me. No action........so my thought was, maybe we should separate.

So it has been a few months, and it is the same but we are living in two separate homes. He says he loves me and I truly believe that but he just doesn't show me by making the effort to connect with me more intimately(not just sex) 

I have communicated very clearly what would show me he is committed to us and that he wants us to work. How long do I wait for him to show me? If he continues to do nothing does that mean he really does not want to work things out? 

sorry for the long post......


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Sounds like Quality Time is your love language. What is his?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Or he could be using words to keep you hooked. If he really wanted to make it work, he has to use actual energy to do it. He may be lazy when it comes to relationships. Don't forget, words are easy. He may love you, but he is simply too lazy to try.


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

vms said:


> Sounds like Quality Time is your love language. What is his?


I don't remember all five there are but if I remember correctly it was physical. Which makes complete sense. I have tried to keep that in mind and made efforts. However, I tend to get worn down when all I do is try and I feel like I get nothing or very little in return.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Have you tried organizing date nights and other quality time together, or are you expecting him to always be proactive in it? (I use to do that - big mistake, just set him up for failure).


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

Thank you for your post. Do you think it is possible for man to become "unlazy" in a relationship? I have continue to hope for the best and have had a hard time determining whether or not it is time to call it quits.

The question I find myself asking......is he capable of changing? I don't want to change him I just want him to make effort and show me we are worth it.

thanks again!


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

I used to organize them. I verbalized that I would like him to take initiative in this every once in a while. I don't mind setting them up but I would like for him to approach me and show me that he wants to spend time together is something I need every now and then. 
That wouldn't happen, so I would continue to initiate date nights and then feel frustrated because I felt like I was the only one making an effort. It can be a vicious cycle unfortunately.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

What is his "reward" when he spends quality time with you? What is he getting out of it? 

I don't mean that you are doing something wrong. What I'm saying is that for him to initiate quality time, he needs to feel that he is getting a reward out of it, close or equal to the reward you get from it. 

People don't like to think of the things they do for each other as being tit for tat, but they kind of are. If one person does A-W for their spouse, and their spouse only does XYZ, then one person is left feeling like they have the short end of the stick. 

Were I you, I'd ask him flat out, "What could I do for you that would help you to feel more loved and connected to me?" When he answers, ask yourself, "Do I do these things in a way that HE interprets them as love and caring?" Ask him to give you specific examples, not generalities or vague answers. 

In the end, he could just be selfish. That's definitely a possibility. But I don't want to jump to that conclusion. 

When spending QT together, do you do things you both enjoy? Do you have hobbies or activities that you both share in?


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

I am not sure that he gets rewards. Maybe he would consider sex a reward. 

It is funny you bring up asking him for input. I have tried this repeatedly. I suggested we both make a list of activities and interactions that could help us feel more connected. My list was lengthy. His was, if you are happy I will be happy. I just want you to be happy and if I am sorry I can't make you happy. Not much to go on.
Getting information from him is like pulling teeth....exhausting. Sad but true


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> I am not sure that he gets rewards. Maybe he would consider sex a reward.
> 
> It is funny you bring up asking him for input. I have tried this repeatedly. I suggested we both make a list of activities and interactions that could help us feel more connected. My list was lengthy. His was, if you are happy I will be happy. I just want you to be happy and if I am sorry I can't make you happy. Not much to go on.
> Getting information from him is like pulling teeth....exhausting. Sad but true


Yeah, not much to go on at all. Have you tried MC? Books?

Sex is almost always a reward for men. Some want more than just sex though - for example, my husband has a fetish, and even though I enjoy it as well, it's definitely more of a reward for him than anything else I could do in the bedroom. Just food for thought.


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

I see a therapist and have asked him to go. He said he would go. I asked him if he would open up and he said probably not. I have read books and even got His needs Her needs for him to read so we could talk about it. He hasn't read it and it has been months.

Again.......says he loves me and wants to be with me but his actions don't show it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You can try giving him books like the 5 love language, no more mister nice guy, to try and help him. If he does not take your consideration to heart, then I suggest the divorce route. It will either get a reaction, or not. In the mean time, work on yourself. Either you two compromise what you want, or the relationship is dead. If you do go down the divorce route, do not wait until your emotionally burnt. Sometimes it takes a crisis to snap people into reality.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> I am not sure that he gets rewards. Maybe he would consider sex a reward.
> 
> It is funny you bring up asking him for input. I have tried this repeatedly. I suggested we both make a list of activities and interactions that could help us feel more connected. My list was lengthy. His was, if you are happy I will be happy. I just want you to be happy and if I am sorry I can't make you happy. Not much to go on.
> Getting information from him is like pulling teeth....exhausting. Sad but true



You need to ask deeper questions because it's such an open ended question. That's where MC can come handy because people don't always ask the right questions or if told the answer they DON'T want to hear they skip right over it.

It is true that men's needs are not the same as women's needs. But chances are if you have a long list you can go thru together and see if there's common ground.

If he's not interested in MC no point pursuing further. His walls need to come down. Self discovery is painful.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Some people don't understand that one has to actually work on a marriage to keep it viable.

Say your husband showed up at work, clocked in and then sat around doing absolutely nothing until it was time to clock out, do you think he would have a job for very long? Same with marriage. He needs to actually do something to keep a wife.

Could be that marriage is just too much work for him.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> So it has been a few months...
> 
> ...how long do I wait for him to show me?


Quite frankly, if he didn't get it the day you told him to move out, he never will. A few months and NOTHING? I don't even really understand your question.

Next on your to-do list? Divorce papers.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You might be beating your head against a brick wall. Been with husband 25 years and this is an issues we have had since we married. I think when he said, "I do," he thought was the goal and everything else has been down hill since.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I think you need to file divorce papers. If that doesn't wake him up and gets him to change his behaviour, nothing will. Best wishes!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Say your husband showed up at work, clocked in and then sat around doing absolutely nothing until it was time to clock out, do you think he would have a job for very long?



January to March my team has been known to hibernate...


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## ConflictedAboutItAll (Jan 11, 2015)

Thanks for all the input! Sometimes the writing on the wall seems so clear, but taking that next step seems scary and I can't help but feel like I am failing to some extent.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

With my ex (you can see where this is going...) I went to marriage counseling without him because he wouldn't go. He said "WE don't have a problem, YOU might have a problem." She told me a couple helpful things. 

1. You feel like you have no power, because no matter what you do nothing happens. In reality, you DO have power....because he isn't invested in the relationship you can figure out your own plan and actually have ALL the power over your life. (Makes sense)

2. Give yourself a mental timeline. Do your best so that YOU feel ok with how things turn out. Whether it's keep talking, keep being nice, not turning off, whatever .... just keep working on having the relationship you want, in spite of what he does. (This is awkward, because you kind of have to detach in order to not let his inactivity hurt you, but you are still trying to move forward and improve the relationship.) 

3. Making plans, in your journal or whatever, is a positive step. It makes you feel better, even if you are not sure that it is feasible. It's the planning that moves you forward. 

Mentally, I gave it a year. I tried. I invited him out and didn't get all butt hurt if he didn't go.... and he never went. I quit initiating sex and getting turned down, I just had sex when he initiated. I quit expecting anything from him. When he asked me things, which he did once in awhile....like, "Are you ok?" I didn't go on about what I wanted or needed anymore....I replied, "I am ok. Things are not exactly what I'd like them to be, but I'm ok." And I was. He didn't ask for anything deeper. He ran from deeper in the first place. 

Anyway, he left (snuck out) about six months into it. And PEACE settled over the household. It was awesomely amazing, like a weight lifted. It was the limbo thing.... gone. I think by then I'd already grieved the end of that relationship, and I was not expecting anything from him.... And really, I did not neglect him. I came away knowing that I TRIED to make it work. 

He told me later how much he loved me, and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. (For 23 years) I told him, it doesn't matter, those words don't mean anything if he wasn't going to be in the marriage WITH me. 

Soooooooooooo..... do what YOU have to do to be ok. Take control of your life, no matter what he is doing. If he isn't bringing anything positive to your life, then you aren't losing anything. It's still sad, all the wouldas, couldas and shouldas..... but you TRIED.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConflictedAboutItAll said:


> I see a therapist and have asked him to go. He said he would go. I asked him if he would open up and he said probably not. I have read books and even got His needs Her needs for him to read so we could talk about it. He hasn't read it and it has been months.
> 
> Again.......says he loves me and wants to be with me *but his actions don't show it*.


For all the years I've been in Al Anon, one of the most frequently-repeated phrases in the rooms is "look at the actions."

Heck, my alcoholic husband told me he loved me, missed me, and wanted me. Did he follow through with definitive, concrete actions? Nope. 

Talk is cheap.

Seriously.

P.S. - Perhaps it is time for you to consider distancing yourself even more, emotionally speaking, from this relationship. From my perspective, it sounds like your husband isn't invested in the marriage. And why be in a relationship alone?


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