# Forced/Arranged marriage



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Totally unrelated to the other thing I wrote. No idea why I think of that now.

Lately I have been surfing youtube and learned that 60% of marriages worldwide are either arranged or forced.

Their definition of arranged was "Parents making their child marry someone he/she has not met before". Parents arranging a meeting for young people who than fall in love is not a arranged marriage according to that definition.

I wonder if any of you lives in an arranged marriage. How do you feel about arranged marriage?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The idea of dating and falling in love is a pretty new concept in the monogamous marriage construct, and it origins are in the West.
Up to about 150 years ago , most marriages were arranged in one form or another.

I am live in a country where it is practiced to some degree , mostly among the wealthy elites.
It's a way of keeping wealth in their bloodline , and maintaining their cultures.
But the way it is done is usually with the consent of the parties.
For eg, a young woman from a wealthy family would date around , have fun , until she was ready to get married. The person who she wants to get married to either has to meet with the parents approval, meaning that his family must also be of equal wealth and prestige , or she allows them to choose a mate for her.
In cases like that, romance is incidental and financial interests is foremost.

I have even had friends whose parents arranged marriages for them with brides / grooms from as far as Saudi Arabia , Pakistan or India.
I've known some of the local Syrian [ White] community to arrange marriages with brides / grooms from Syria / Lebanon and other parts of Europe.
But these people are filthy rich.

I think it's an interesting phenomenon because most of these marriages are no different to " normal " marriages , and interestingly enough, they seem to last.
But that might be so, because of the huge amounts of money , business interests and valuable real estate involved.
They are heirs to their parents wealth.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think they last because they want to keep the money in the family. _A lot_ is overlooked.

We used to live in India, and arranged marriages were all around us. People would regularly ask us if we had a "love marriage," lol, which at first startled me. I thought, Is there any other kind? Oh, yes, Virginia, there is. 

I have definitely felt at times that I was living in an arranged marriage. I love dh very much, but what I felt at first was much more like deepening trust than love. He was interesting and attractive, but it was the trust that kept drawing me in. He could just handle everything I threw at him, and that bonded me to him.

I am not sure what could destroy our marriage. I know dh does not believe in divorce. 

I think the commitment is the strong part of arranged marriage. The idea that whatever comes, we will ride the wave -- together.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

My marriage was not arranged.

I don't agree with parents or ANY person choosing partner/arranging marriage for another being. It's not right morally and simply doesn't make sense to me.

No ONE but 2 people involved should be making this decision FOR THEMSELVES ONLY.

But my opinion is also driven by the fact that I believe marriage/relationships are about love/companionship/affection etc.

Please keep in mind that history of marriage is more of "protecting assets/family wealth" type of a deal. I don't agree with that or believe it, even though it is still done in ALL cultures.

I would never consider/enter a marriage under those circumstances.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have a ton of Indian friends and coworkers. One of our favorite pastimes back then was to get a bottle or two or three of Kingfisher and browse the India Abroad or other Indian paper magazines and look at the matrimonial advertisements, and then try to match them with specific people we knew. 

Having said this, I just found out that out of probably 100 couples I know (Indians) only two divorced. I was very close to both of them and the wife was not exactly marriage material (she's the closest I have ever seen anyone come to my wife in terms of personality and attitude). They dumped each other after a decade. The other was married to a non-Indian who turned out to be not a great catch. 

They have a way of falling in love that is unmatched. I have a few friends that have been married for 3 decades and it's amazing.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> I have a ton of Indian friends and coworkers. One of our favorite pastimes back then was to get a bottle or two or three of Kingfisher and browse the India Abroad or other Indian paper magazines and look at the matrimonial advertisements, and then try to match them with specific people we knew.
> 
> Having said this, I just found out that out of probably 100 couples I know (Indians) only two divorced. I was very close to both of them and the wife was not exactly marriage material (she's the closest I have ever seen anyone come to my wife in terms of personality and attitude). They dumped each other after a decade. The other was married to a non-Indian who turned out to be not a great catch.
> 
> *They have a way of falling in love that is unmatched.* I have a few friends that have been married for 3 decades and it's amazing.


How would you describe it?


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Not a chance in hell-no way - no how.......


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> How would you describe it?



Slow and awkward at first, then it picks up. I have a pair of excellent specimens here - one of my colleagues s from India and he married, wife did a graduate degree and she works in our company a few cubes away from us.

It seems that for them there's several pillars that it's based upon:

- no massive egos or over the edge personalities (the matchmakers take care of that)

- same / similar micro culture (lots of those)

- compatible financially or earnings power wise and education wise

- no family crazies (I've met both sets of parents, very nice people)

- established friends support network

- high tolerance for in laws (his parents are here for 6 months then hers etc)

- no focus on stress causing items such as having kids quickly, buying a house...

- no great emotional demands (guessing)

The above is base on observation of probably over a dozen coworkers, all South Indian. A couple have done "love marriages" to Americans and did the more traditional American style of married life, kids and house early, etc. That worked well too.


----------



## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

I am from India & almost most of marriages in my family are arranged. It's not forced marriage btw & divorce rates are very low like 2% partly because it's taboo natute in Indian society & non existent dating pool for either male or females who have gone through divorce. People have choice to reject candidate & it's more of match making between individuals with similar education, caste & culture. Society is patriarchal & Mysogynistic though with female discrimination.

Love part is similar to theme of marriage of convinience romance novels.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John, I think some of that describes marriage anywhere. It certainly describes mine.

The idea is _commitment._. I am sticking this out, so I might as well make it the best I can, for both of us.

This is the problem with 50/50 marriage. It is all about What have you done for me lately? 

That does not work. What can I do for you? works much better.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

john117 said:


> Slow and awkward at first, then it picks up. I have a pair of excellent specimens here - one of my colleagues s from India and he married, wife did a graduate degree and she works in our company a few cubes away from us.
> 
> It seems that for them there's several pillars that it's based upon:
> 
> ...


Yup.

This basically sums it up, and like the other guy said , it isn't forced , but more like a matchmaking between parents and potential candidates.

Parents act out the part of a a " dating coach ", and it removes the drama aspect of the relationships.
By drama I mean like multi dating, guesswork , etc.

I don't think the result is as bad as some people think it is.

My wife's grandparents were from India [ Hindu] and her mother's was an arranged marriage.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> The idea is _commitment._. I am sticking this out, so I might as well make it the best I can, for both of us.
> 
> This is the problem with 50/50 marriage. It is all about What have you done for me lately?
> 
> That does not work. *What can I do for you? works much better.*


Yes.^^^


----------



## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

When I worked in India, one of the guys I managed got married. Before his wedding I talked to him and asked a few questions. It was an arranged marriage but his had a little twist. 

His parents did the search for a spouse and sent him various girls' resumes. He did a few phone calls and settled on one. He then met her and liked her. After he confirmed his selection, the parents met her parents and they really liked each other. So it was a perfect match, they just needed to do a few more due diligence work which included checking the numbers, basically the birthdays (the real one, not the one on the birth certificate!) and the alignment of the stars...

Well, unfortunately the stars did not align. So the wedding could not go on as planned (they had already made some preparations). Both parents were really sad because they really liked each others' family. Then the girl's dad asked: "what about her sister? Would the stars work?

They checked, and sure enough, the stars really matched. So he married the sister instead!


I keep in touch with him on Facebook and they seem really happy and have a beautiful girl!


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The same star date reason delayed my office mate's wedding from late December to very early January. 

And cost him several thousand dollars in taxes by not filing married for the year :lol:


----------



## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Well my mother had a forced marriage. She got engaged when she was 13, my dad came to the house and her mother was like oh btw that's the guy you're going to marry. I think she got fully married at 16. They stayed together for about 20 years with a LOT of ups and downs, a lot of violence. They're both remarried now. One or two of my aunts had a forced marriage but are happy in it and are still together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is beautiful to hear, MF, that you have such trust in your brother. He has clearly earned it.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Considering the quality of some early specimens my older girl was interested in early on, her lack of time for dating, and her drama queen persona, I'm leaning more towards an arranged marriage 

A couple of American born kids from wife's country have done wink wink love marriages with longer meet and greet times and dating but arranged just as much...

A couple of said kids are MD's now a few years older than my girl. Also their moms are awesome PA / EA material (if son is a prominent plastic surgeon, duh)...

Alas we are considered mud bloods so... Not full bloods.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John, you don't want EA/PA. I am sure you are joking.

I think the new online dating services are kind of like a matchmaker. 

The way you are describing it, with longer meet and greet times, sounds very healthy.

I was appalled by the idea of arranged marriage at first, but it does not seem so shocking now. Again, commitment is the main thing.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The one I have in mind is 58, a PhD, very vivacious, looks 40, and a former neighbor. Alas, they moved  when Dr. Snip-and-tuck got married in his quasi love quasi arranged marriage. The kid had found the love of his life (South American girl) while in residency but she was not an MD so mom vetoed it... He ended up marrying a nice but unremarkable looking MD from their culture.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, just keep it in your mind, then. _I am sure you have learned something from TAM about how important it is to avoid affairs, and all the heartache they bring, right?_

I think arranged marriage may work best in a culture where it is the norm. It may be harder away from the support system.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yea, her siblings all have arranged marriages wink wink and it has not worked any better. Her brother married a second cousin - think of the savings in paperwork - arranged by her family and the marriage was a disaster as he does not make lots of money but wife spends like a Kardashian... 

Her sister was first married to some young and restless guy via arranged marriage which ended up in a disaster and divorce; second marriage saw more PA's from both than TAM sees in a week. It was largely a Hail Mary third round draft pick you're lucky he picked you marriage that was on the way to failure when she was killed in a car accident during a PA venture.

Arranged marriages work better when people are rational...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I believe that. Anything works better when people are rational.


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> Could you post a link to the article please? I believe what you're saying it says, I'm genuinely interested in the article.


It was not an article but an youtube video. I think this one: Insight: Arranged Marriage (2013) - YouTube


----------

