# Re-assurance / Appearing weak



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's strange really... I tend to hold back a lot on re-assurance/telling lovey doveys to my wife (unless I'm drunk, or if she just gave me a good time). I've improved a lot however, still, it bugs me from time to time.

Like last night, my wife reckons I'm too much of a player - and that if she's not around to tame me I'll be prowling the field so to speak. I told her that fun-flirting/joking around has nothing to do with prowling the field or being a player. And that even if she's not around it's rather impossible to have any feelings for anyone else, I even went as far as telling her she has zero competition - and went on with the details.

Reflecting on this however... I don't know, it helps her feel more confident, but at the same time, I wonder if I appear weak with all the reassuring. Telling her she has zero competition helps her security but also robs me of any fun teasing her, and no longer keeps her on her toes - which at the back of my mind I fear it may lead to complacency.

Any advice/feedback on my thoughts?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think your weakness could actually be your inability to let go of this fun-flirting thing that you do, that you know she doesn't like .....it sounds like a power struggle in a way. 

There's a difference between keeping her on her toes and contributing to insecurities in the relationship as a result of your actions. Maybe one day you'll get to the point where your fun-flirty banter can be reserved just for your wife. Maybe you can keep her on her toes in that way instead? Perhaps it's time to redirect your energy with this part of your personality. 

What's the risk for you in letting her feel totally secure with you?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also do you really need reassurance from other women that you CAN banter with them and hold their attention still? c'mon now... I'm sure you can get beyond that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, the fun-flirting that I do is more of a habit (I'm a joker too - and I can't stop flirting just the same way I can't stop taking the piss outta everything - even myself or wifey hehe), and I have no need for re-assurance myself, always carrying myself with confidence (a lifetime of people complimenting me has left me a bit "up myself" heh). It's something which is difficult to change, it's just me.

When I do fun-flirt I don't exactly exclude my wife either. The thing is though, reassuring my wife does make me feel like "I'm getting her too relaxed", even when she tells me she loves me I like to tease and tell her "I love me too!" heh - make it a little harder for her. I also encourage her to play the same game back.

However, when I do get lovey dovey I can be very passionate and romantic - like when she gives me a good week and make me fall in love with her all over again each and every night. Still, sometimes I wake up from all the lovey dovey and go "darn, I shouldn't have said all that lovey dovey crap" etc...

I want her to feel secure and confident, but I don't want her to become complacent or lazy - that's the stakes. In recent times she was too lazy to bother turning me on and instead just jumped on me 3x a day like I'm her man-slave for a while - but she's changed since then.

But meh I don't know, I just don't want her to get complacent, that's all, I fear it - and we had a lot of fights over it. Had to remind her that I can still walk if she pushes too far, but at the same time, I have to make her feel secure... bah!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> It's something which is difficult to change, it's just me.


I'm a reformed flirter. I used to think it was part of my personality, how I'd always been. It was harmless, jovial fun (sometimes even cheesy) with men _and_ women. I never alluded to anything inappropriate with this type of banter. But I kinda took a look at myself and questioned why I was this way and decided I needed to grow up. And stopped. It was a conscious effort. H now says I seem to "Jedi" people so maybe I've channeled the energy differently - AND I save the flirtation JUST for him. It can be done. 

And I'm not suggesting you need to "grow up" by the way, this is just how I viewed myself.



RandomDude said:


> But meh I don't know, I just don't want her to get complacent, that's all, I fear it - and we had a lot of fights over it. Had to remind her that I can still walk if she pushes too far, but at the same time, I have to make her feel secure... bah!


I personally think motivating someone by (essentially) fear of the fact you could walk, is coming from your own insecurities and I'm doubtful it's a good idea for the long-term. Your marriage has a unique dynamic but I'd imagine generally speaking, it could lead to inadvertently pushing her away. Do you want her to keep making effort because she feels insecure about your marriage? That sounds like an exhausting game to play imo. I hope she doesn't end up viewing it that way too. It's one thing to be confident and know within yourself that she's lucky to have you (and vice verse), it's another thing to contribute to her insecurities.

I feel as though my words could come across a tad harsh. It's just another perspective for you to consider and written with good intention.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh I'm fully straight, yet not homophobic; so I fun-flirt and joke around with gay men too, it's rather funny their reactions really. My wife still doesn't get it though, that when I flirt it's just for fun, I'm not going to touch those women the same way I'm not going to touch those men. I don't know how to change this behaviour of mine regardless; channeling the flirtations to her can be done, but sometimes a joke or a flirt comes to my head in the middle of a conversation with someone else and I just have to say it for fun!

As for motivating her, I made her realise that I can walk last year during our inter-religious crisis. She was trying to get her way selfishly, in total disregard of my views and did whatever she wanted in complete disrespect of me. We also had a long-standing crisis in regards to her sexual demands which we're only recently solving. I just don't want all the dramas again - hence I don't want her to be complacent and think that "ok I can do whatever I want now, he won't mind, and even if he does he won't do anything".

Maybe I just don't trust that she can keep her own demons at bay considering the sh-t she has pulled over the years. She's great now sure, and perhaps I should be more lovey dovey... still, she's the type of woman who can be really great or really b----y.


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