# Men denying women sex, have you done it?



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Have you ever, as a man / bf / husband denied your woman sex?

She's in the mood and you say, "no **** for you tonight", or "I'm not in the mood", or "maybe later".

Have you fallen asleep during foreplay?


What has her reaction been like?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I have said no a few times in my former marriage, and once to my fiancee.

It didn't go well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think I've said no once or twice in my life. Wasn't an issue. I think it was when I was horribly tired or sick. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Last year we rented a cottage for our anniversary and I had just a little too much wine.
As she was getting ready for bed, I fell asleep, laying on the bed with my cloths still on.
When she came out to bed, she was completely pissed and just left me there. She didn't even try to wake me to snuggle or anything. I wake at 4 am wondering what the hell happened.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife will claim I have said no, but when I ask her when she will say "well, I woke up in the middle of the night and cuddled because I wanted sex and you didn't do anything". Er, no that's not saying no.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband of 21 years has never said no. If he was sick or tired I didn't ask so that wouldn't count.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

I have never said no. Sex with a cold is still pretty cool, though I don't know if I could have sex with the 24 hour flu like I had last year.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I get turned down all the time. I just accept it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

let me think about it... ummmm, no


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

Twice in my 13 year marriage, when i have been dead sick, but my wife has an overide, wich i gave her. She has 100% access to me and my d!ck 100% of the time, weather i want it or not. I am HD and now she is an HD convert, had been LD, so i gave her this override and she has used it many times, more than i would have guessed! Middle of the night, when i am sick or had too much booze and i love it. There is no situation where i am not availble to her, and she is happy and so am I. Its a no made into a yesss.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Never have turned her down and can't even imagine doing that!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd venture the men who say no are in relationships where the woman is saying no (not counting you Diwali, just speaking in general terms). 

It's easier to say no when you have been rejected repeatedly over the years. It's almost like an internal resentment starts, where you almost hate yourself for saying yes, even though you want to have sex, because of the rejection you've had to endure. You start to question if your wife even wants to have sex with you or if she's just asking/offering because she feels like she should or because she doesn't want you to go away so she's doing it to keep you, not because she actually wants you sexually. You start to wonder if you are even attractive or if you are just getting a roundabout form of pity/duty sex.

So you start rejecting because you start to lose attraction for your spouse because of who you feel about yourself or about her motives for having sex.

It's a bit of a mind **** that goes on within you after you've been rejected so often. You end up deny sex because you feel like sex isn't really what she wants even when she's offering it, if that makes any sense.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

"If my back wasn't hurting, I would do something..."

"I think it's time for me to go to sleep...."

I'd say those qualify as getting turned down...even when I didn't even ask. So, yea, he's turned me down. And, like kingsfan said about the times HE did it... it didn't go over well. I never said a word, though.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Only when I was angry or when I knew she was trying to use sex to manipulate me.

I`ve never turned her down because I "wasn't in the mood" because even if I`m not in the mood I can get in the mood.

Edit:
She's not blind though and won't hit on me if it's obvious I'm not wanting sex.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> "If my back wasn't hurting, I would do something..."
> 
> "I think it's time for me to go to sleep...."
> 
> I'd say those qualify as getting turned down...even when I didn't even ask. So, yea, he's turned me down. And, like kingsfan said about the times HE did it... it didn't go over well. I never said a word, though.


Just to add in here since you referred to my situation -and I'm sure you understand this but moreso wanted to clarify for other readers/posters- it's one thing for a guy to say no when his partner is ready and willing virtually all the time that he asks, it's another to say no when his partner has said no many times before.

If my ex-wife or fiancee had never said no to me and I had said no to them, I'd understand it if they got upset when I said no. I wouldn't necessarily agree with it, as saying no is still ok as long as it is not frequent, but I'd understand.

When a women gets completely upset when a guy says no maybe once every two years like I have (likely much less than that but I'm trying to be conservative) yet she says no on roughly a weekly basis, that is what I don't get or understand. It can be a huge double standard.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The only time I've said no is when I was really sick.

My exh said no all the time for years (sexless for years)


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Just to add in here since you referred to my situation -and I'm sure you understand this but moreso wanted to clarify for other readers/posters- it's one thing for a guy to say no when his partner is ready and willing virtually all the time that he asks, it's another to say no when his partner has said no many times before.
> 
> If my ex-wife or fiancee had never said no to me and I had said no to them, I'd understand it if they got upset when I said no. I wouldn't necessarily agree with it, as saying no is still ok as long as it is not frequent, but I'd understand.
> 
> When a women gets completely upset when a guy says no maybe once every two years like I have (likely much less than that but I'm trying to be conservative) yet she says no on roughly a weekly basis, that is what I don't get or understand. It can be a huge double standard.


So at one point, I did turn her down a couple of times out of spite (not something I am proud of). We were not in a good place, she was rejecting me a fair amount, and I could not communicate effectively what was bothering me. So it was me being childish. That did not go over well.

Since we have righted things, I have once or twice because of sickness that crept up on me. She was outwardly okay with it, but really pressed on making sure it was because I was sick and was adamant that she get me the next night (which she did). It surprised me a bit, as I rarely do it, it was for a good reason and she has turned me down for similar reasons. So I understand a bit on why it seems like a different standard is applied.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Once. Loooong time ago with my wife. 

After a party, I was half in the bag and just...sloppy. She was half in the bag too and for some reason after we got home totally fired up and all over me like a cheap suit. Ya know jamming her tounge in my mouth and grabbing stuff.. OK, we were not 'half' in the bag, we were plastered.

I finally pushed her off me and said something like.. 'honey.. not tonight, im too wasted..'. 

She got really, really pissed. To me is was inexplicable.. quite simply I had too much to drink so whats the problem? I think I remmber her starting to diddle herself but it wasnt working and just said "FINE." and rolled over and went to sleep. Like an angry, uncomfortable thing.

Wierd.

In any case first, last and only time that ever happened. We dont drink much anyway.. certainly not as much as we did when we were in our 20s.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When she attempts sex without foreplay I say no. Didn't used to but now I do after so much rejection in the past from her. At this point I refuse to have 'roll over and do me' sex. But if I try to initiate foreplay there's a 95% chance she'll reject me.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I'm surprised there are so many people saying they've never turned down their spouse. Heck yeah, I've said no a few times, when I've been so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open, or had consumed enough alcohol that I was useless, or had to get up very early the next morning for work. My wife occasionally said no in similar circumstances.

If it's just an occasional thing, as with us, I don't see anything even worth mentioning.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

95%. That's, uh... High.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Have you ever, as a man / bf / husband denied your woman sex?
> 
> She's in the mood and you say, "no **** for you tonight", or "I'm not in the mood", or "maybe later".
> 
> ...


Yes, I have denied my wife sex. Usually when the request comes at an inopportune time ... like when I'm rushing to get out the door for an important meeting as happened a little over a month ago. She doesn't ask often.

I have never fallen asleep during foreplay, lol ... I'm either in it or not ... never halfway. Balls to the wall.

My wife is understandably hurt when I say no. There is no question that it makes it less likely that she will ask again. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm is tempered because I am not attracted to my wife. She is morbidly obese. It causes a huge strain on our marriage and I've commented on my situation before on this site. We are emotionally disconnected because of the lack of sex and it is compounded by other problems in our marriage. I am HD and she is LD so my frustration is through the roof. Let's just say me and my right hand are extremely attached and my water bill is through the roof.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> 95%. That's, uh... High.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's weird. I mean, yes, we had a 10 year clinically sexless period. Then we started working on our relationship about 10 months ago. Now we have more sex than ever. All summer it was 3-4 times a week. Right now it's about 2x a week but I'm in my busy period at work and I'm getting home late everyday. But her "automatic" reaction if I initiate is to reject. So ya, 95%. She'll initiate soon after that though, once she realizes that she rejected. And because of that, I've basically stopped initiating and just wait for her to do it. But if I let her, she'll initiate for lame 3 position vanilla sex, which completely repulses me. If I get the feeling she's trying for zero foreplay sex, I can't get it up at all.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

My stbxh preferred his hand and porn. So, the answer is he refused me all the time. I wasn't a happy camper. Lots of arguing.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Yes for two reasons 

1. didint want to because I already dropped a self -help load recently 
2. couldnt because I had a nonnegotiable responsibility to deal with and the timing sucked


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

bbdad said:


> Yes. After getting shot down many times in a row, I just get fed up at times. Then, when she comes on to meet her 1x / month need, I have just said no.
> 
> It doesn't go over well, but I get tired of being shot down so many times as well. It shuts down my attraction for my spouse.


:iagree:

I've done the same to my GF. I know it is passive-agressive behavior and it is not going to help in the long term but it feels like a small victory. 

What's weird is that she will turn me down several times and expect me to be ok with it, however she wants me to be available every time she asks and gets angry when I turn her down.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

This is a difficult one for me with my past so we have developed our own way of gently saying not now.

I have never said no to him but there are times when he is simply too tired or we have already done it that day. He doesn't say "no" he will say along the lines of "I love you babe, I desire you, I am really tired but would like to do it tomorrow".

Or other times I can read that he is just too tired so I tell him upfront that "I am looking forward to going to bed and just cuddling but am up for it if he wants too". This way I have some control over my own feelings.

The way a person says no is very important.

For those that are saying no due to spite or being rejected yourselves I get that, I have been there in a past life. Perhaps try some way of gently saying no, this will give you time to get your thoughts straight and will hopefully lessen the likelyhood of creating an even bigger cycle of rejection.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband will make it clear non verbally he's not really up for anything, or will sometimes say he'd like to/was planning to have sex but is now exhausted. I can't really think of many times, if any, where I've actually started things up and he's said no. And I've often managed to change his mind, when he thinks he's too tired.

Anyway, it's not really an issue here. We don't reject each other very often/ever.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

I am guilty of one year of sexless life, but that's not due to me rejecting, or she rejecting. We were just having a baby, and for reasons unknown to science, the parts of my brain relating to sex (which were a bit LD to begin with) completely shut down. Me the "sex machine" died, replaced by me "The Papa". I was in "Papa" mode. Totally forgotten sex. Did not initiate (big problem for my wife coz she is not an initiator type). I was too busy enjoying doing things for my son. Playing with him, changing diapers, buying baby clothes, showing him off to my clan, etc. 

After a full year, my woman had enough of it and yelled at me. Snapped me out of it and I still feel guilty even until today. Now I made it a point to satisfy her at least 2-3 times a month, 4 if we got lucky.

Anyway, I believe that full year of no sex counts as denying sex.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yes, I have denied my wife sex. Usually when the request comes at an inopportune time ... like when I'm rushing to get out the door for an important meeting as happened a little over a month ago. She doesn't ask often.


THIS!

I can't count the number of times I needed to go to work or some other function and she told me she wanted to have sex with me....NOW!

I found that teasing, insulting, frustrating and NOT funny.

She didn't view it the same way. When she pulled that crap, I didn't say yes.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I guess I'm naive. Until recently and reading all the posts on TAM I honestly had no idea how important sex was in a marriage. I'm guilty of rejecting due to a build up of resentment and hurt. Which caused resentment and hurt and the cycle continued..until it was no more.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Funny you use that example (hands down the pants). My wife does that too. But after all these years hands down there does almost nothing for me. Certainly wont get me hard at all. It takes a bit more effort. 

Was your hubby bored? With the same ole same ole?


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

If you read my previous posts from about a month and a half ago you'll see that my wife and I suffered from a dead bedroom. Since then things have drastically improved and we try not to deny each other sex, but it happens. She's a teacher and I'm in nursing school so its inevitable that once in a while the other will be to tired to have sex. I think I get more upset about it than she does because I still have the fear of falling back into the dead bedroom.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

In my situation, my wifee would always turn down my advances, push me away, rolls eyes, again?, maybe later, you just got it 3 days ago and has fallen asleep with my penis in her hand.

After I had "the talk" and layed out everything, she started to finally get it. Instead of sex being 1 - 2x month, more realistically 1 - 3x week. It's an improvement and this is based mainly on her initiatives. After the hormonal shot, meal changes and iodine supp, the sex will probably increase again and I will take more of the initiative.

On occasion, I am guilty of denying her sex, only after she let it slid to 1x in the month!!! Then I tell her, maybe tomorrow, later, all you want is cuddling, and she is shocked to hear that and doesn't like it one bit. But its okay for her to do that to me for 13 years of our marriage, until our talk. The next day, she tried again, I told her again?, I'm not in the mood, maybe later. She got worried and upset. The next day, there was no initiating on her part. She just grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bedroom for mind blowing sex.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JCD said:


> THIS!
> 
> I can't count the number of times I needed to go to work or some other function and she told me she wanted to have sex with me....NOW!
> 
> ...


Sometimes I wonder if it is a psychological thing ... a test. She KNOWS that I have something important going on. My stress level is already elevated and having to make that choice just elevates it even more. I'm thinking REALLY? We haven't had sex in a month, I've been horny as all get out and now is when you want to do it? I'm already at risk of being late to my meeting and now I feel terrible because I've rejected her. Nice! Never seems to ask when I'm taking a break and sitting on the couch or am otherwise not busy ... or joining me when I am clearly taking an extra long shower, lol.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> In my situation, my wifee would always turn down my advances, push me away, rolls eyes, again?, maybe later, you just got it 3 days ago and has fallen asleep with my penis in her hand.
> 
> After I had "the talk" and layed out everything, she started to finally get it. Instead of sex being 1 - 2x month, more realistically 1 - 3x week. It's an improvement and this is based mainly on her initiatives. After the hormonal shot, meal changes and iodine supp, the sex will probably increase again and I will take more of the initiative.
> .


I've heard you mention this hormonal shot a lot on the boards, do you mean an estrogen shot? A localised application of estrogen cream to the vaginal canal? 

That is hormone replacement therapy prescribed for menopausal women who are experiencing thinning of the vaginal wall and dryness due to decreasing estrogen levels. It is associated with an increased risk of breast and endometrial cancers. And I can't see any reason it would help libido, as it is testosterone that influences desire levels, not estrogen.

Your wife needs to do more research before she undergoes this type of treatment.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Virtually never (just as she is with me). However, just last week... We went out. She got a little tipsy (ok, more than a little), and did a little something that ticked me off. No argument, just a "let's go" from me. 

Back to the hotel, she fell into bed, and was OUT. I went to hotel bar. Had a beer, came back to room, went to sleep.

Later on, middle of the night, I find her hand around my wrist, putting my hand on her vagina, and her saying "I'm horny". I pulled back, turned over and said "that ship has sailed" (lol, what a stupid thing to say but it just came out).

Eh, she took it like a trooper. She messed up a little, and I got a little grouchy about it. Next morning we talked it over for all of a minute (she didn't remember, and from my end it was out of character for her, so why worry?), and put it past us like we usually do. No hurt feelings about it. A few minutes later she was ready to "make it up to you (me)" and we were back at it like bunnies as though nothing happened.

She may not be perfect, but she's still amazing!


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Yes, he's turned me down several times. He's extremely HD, so it's kind of weird when it does happen, but it's nothing I get too worked up over.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

I turn down my wife's advances if I perceive she is merely attempting to dole out duty sex like I am some kind of tedious chore on some list in her mind

-wash dishes
-vacuum house
-service husband's sexual need
-brush teeth
-fold ironing

I don't feel it is fair to call that "denying" sex, because what she is offering to me is not even sex in those situations, it's more like she's just letting me masturbate in her body. Not interested. 

I have hopped off her mid coitus before, looking down on your woman as she winces in discomfort, is a real mojo stopper, and it kills you inside, so I'd just stop and hop off. In such a situation once, I told her, sitting up in bed in the dark, that perhaps we should just not worry about sex anymore, just stop even bothering about it.

Fcuk me did that pop a gasket, she cried and blubbered and apologized and tried to kiss me, she became frantic. Which is pretty sick when you put it under the microscope. She didn't even care about my needs, she just needed to know that her Vagina still had ultimate authority, and that she could wield it once every month or so to placate me, at her unceremonious whim.

But she has denied me for years and years, rejecting even my touch, incapable of paying me a genuine compliment, so really don't give a fcuk what she thinks about the times I "dared" to deny her as a consequence of how worthless she made me feel.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Sometimes I wonder if it is a psychological thing ... a test. She KNOWS that I have something important going on. My stress level is already elevated and having to make that choice just elevates it even more. I'm thinking REALLY? We haven't had sex in a month, I've been horny as all get out and now is when you want to do it? I'm already at risk of being late to my meeting and now I feel terrible because I've rejected her. Nice! Never seems to ask when I'm taking a break and sitting on the couch or am otherwise not busy ... or joining me when I am clearly taking an extra long shower, lol.


If her ultimate goal is never having sex with you, then this situation is win-win for her. 

She initiates when she is sure she will be denied. So you cannot tell her that she never wants sex and now you are the bad guy who turns her down. 

Win-win :smthumbup:


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Sometimes I wonder if it is a psychological thing ... a test. She KNOWS that I have something important going on. My stress level is already elevated and having to make that choice just elevates it even more. I'm thinking REALLY? We haven't had sex in a month, I've been horny as all get out and now is when you want to do it? I'm already at risk of being late to my meeting and now I feel terrible because I've rejected her. Nice! Never seems to ask when I'm taking a break and sitting on the couch or am otherwise not busy ... or joining me when I am clearly taking an extra long shower, lol.



Perhaps she gets turned on by being rushed!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Sometimes I wonder if it is a psychological thing ... a test. She KNOWS that I have something important going on. My stress level is already elevated and having to make that choice just elevates it even more. I'm thinking REALLY? We haven't had sex in a month, I've been horny as all get out and now is when you want to do it? I'm already at risk of being late to my meeting and now I feel terrible because I've rejected her. Nice! Never seems to ask when I'm taking a break and sitting on the couch or am otherwise not busy ... or joining me when I am clearly taking an extra long shower, lol.



It's because she didn't really want sex.

She just wanted to be able to throw it in your face that you rejected her the next time she rejects you and you get pissy.
She saw an opportunity.

Gotta watch for those sexual manipulations.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

NOOOO!!!!! Never. I have come home from a 22 hour shift and the first thing on my mind was SEX....There is something about the endorphins from total physical exhaustion that make the orgasm FANTASTIC!!!!:smthumbup:

I have always been INSANE HD and my wife keeps up like a trooper. But she always waits for me to initiate. I think that is a throwback to her Armenian roots......A woman always knew her place...Reverse Cowgirl....

She was always very quick to respond. Last night I stroked her mound a couple of times, and she told me "There was a time when that would have brought me right up off this massage table"

I am a VERY LUCKY guy.......


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I have said no to sex with the wife on many occasions. she has also said no her share of times.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I've heard you mention this hormonal shot a lot on the boards, do you mean an estrogen shot? A localised application of estrogen cream to the vaginal canal?
> 
> That is hormone replacement therapy prescribed for menopausal women who are experiencing thinning of the vaginal wall and dryness due to decreasing estrogen levels. It is associated with an increased risk of breast and endometrial cancers. And I can't see any reason it would help libido, as it is testosterone that influences desire levels, not estrogen.
> 
> Your wife needs to do more research before she undergoes this type of treatment.



From what I can gather, its a hormonal vaginal shot. My wifee is doing the cleansing diet right now and the iodione suipps. After that, she will do the vaginal hormonal shot and this was her idea. She was going to get this done as a surprise but after we had the talk, I told her everything on my mind and so did she, now we are on equal footing with everything.

And my wife told me, after clients have had this shot, it resets their hormones or something to that effect and their sex drives do increase. My wife also told me her therapist said husbands have gone to see her, and thank her!!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I've heard you mention this hormonal shot a lot on the boards, do you mean an estrogen shot? A localised application of estrogen cream to the vaginal canal?
> 
> That is hormone replacement therapy prescribed for menopausal women who are experiencing thinning of the vaginal wall and dryness due to decreasing estrogen levels. It is associated with an increased risk of breast and endometrial cancers. And I can't see any reason it would help libido, as it is testosterone that influences desire levels, not estrogen.
> 
> Your wife needs to do more research before she undergoes this type of treatment.


Lyris, it doesn't make a bit of difference, you know this. His wife is still going to artificially alter her hormones in the hopes of possibly matching HIS artificially altered libido. She's taking iodine, without her doctor diagnosing her with low iodine problem. I just hope the poor woman doesn't overdose/overdo it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> From what I can gather, its a hormonal vaginal shot. My wifee is doing the cleansing diet right now and the iodione suipps. After that, she will do the vaginal hormonal shot and this was her idea. She was going to get this done as a surprise but after we had the talk, I told her everything on my mind and so did she, now we are on equal footing with everything.


Her idea to get it... but the reason? Because you started taking supplements for weight train and increased your libido... hmmmm.....




CuddleBug said:


> And my wife told me, after clients have had this shot, it resets their hormones or something to that effect and their sex drives do increase. My wife also told me her therapist said husbands have gone to see her, and thank her!!!


And... in what age range are these clients? I am curious what this shot is because all the things I have seen are for hormone replacement during menopause.


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## IsthisInsanity? (Feb 18, 2013)

yes, sometimes i denied sex when i am really tired.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RFguy said:


> If her ultimate goal is never having sex with you, then this situation is win-win for her.
> 
> She initiates when she is sure she will be denied. So you cannot tell her that she never wants sex and now you are the bad guy who turns her down.
> 
> Win-win :smthumbup:


lol ... well, that doesn't fit our relationship at all. I'm HD, she's LD but she will not turn me down. I rarely ask because as I've noted on other comments/threads, she is morbidly obese and I'm not attracted to her (THAT is a tough issue causing a lot of stress). She won't turn me down if only because we both crave the emotional connection.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Her idea to get it... but the reason? Because you started taking supplements for weight train and increased your libido... hmmmm.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I had a really high sex drive in my teens and early to mid 20's and no supps were used. I have a HD without supps.

As I got older, late 20's, I got serious with weight training and the supps I now take aren't designed to mainly raise my sex drive, they are for raising testosterone so I am stronger, leaner, and bigger. Sex is a side effect.

My wifee wanted to get the vaginal hormonal shot because of her LD. She had a LD since we were married 13+ years ago. Back then, I didn't really weight train or take the supps and still had a HD.

I have to ask her more details about the clients. I'll let you know.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yes my H has denied me sex many times. In fact I have a thread going about it on the board and how it has affected our relationship.

H went through a phase last year of repeatedly turning me down. I am HD, he is lower but not "low". He was nasty and blunt and even now some of the things he said still make me well up when I think back. It came out of the blue and lasted around six months. He was quite happy to initiate when *he* was in the mood so we never had a sexless marriage, but there is something humiliating about being turned down by your H repeatedly and him controlling our sex life.

It fvcked up my esteem and confidence immensely. And the weird thing was/is that he denies this EVER happened. Even now we can talk about it, it comes up in conversation, he gets I cannot bring myself to initiate any more because of it, but he denies it actually happened. He has actually said I have imagined it, and I could well have been fooled had it not been for the fact that I kept coming here asking for advice about it.

Why did he do it? We had the revelation a short while ago that he was bored... despite me having asked him a number of times if he wanted to spice things up. The complete irony is that now I have no inclination to *want* to make an effort for him, nor would I for fear of doing it then being rejected because I know that would tip me over the edge.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Have you ever, as a man / bf / husband denied your woman sex?
> 
> She's in the mood and you say, "no **** for you tonight", or "I'm not in the mood", or "maybe later".
> 
> ...


Sure I have said not now. Fallen asleep? No.

Typically when I am exhausted my wife knows it. But sometimes I opt for Cowgirl so she can do the work.

But realistically this needs to be ok. Othwerwise there are bigger issues.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> From what I can gather, its a hormonal vaginal shot. My wifee is doing the cleansing diet right now and the iodione suipps. After that, she will do the vaginal hormonal shot and this was her idea. She was going to get this done as a surprise but after we had the talk, I told her everything on my mind and so did she, now we are on equal footing with everything.
> 
> And my wife told me, after clients have had this shot, it resets their hormones or something to that effect and their sex drives do increase. My wife also told me her therapist said husbands have gone to see her, and thank her!!!


Right, it doesn't really matter whose idea it was, if it's a bad idea. It sounds like total quackery to me. "Resets their hormones"? A one-time shot isn't going to do that, it's going to replace or add to hormones and presumably will need to be redone when they wear off. It's not going to change how your wife's body produces hormones.

Maricha is right, are your wife's clients menopausal or perimenopausal? Because that's who that kind of shot is supposed to be for. I suppose if sex was uncomfortable because of dryness or irritation of the vagina and the extra estrogen helped that then sex would be more appealing. Maybe that's why they are saying their libidos increased. 

But you said your wife has always had a LD. That has nothing to do with her estrogen levels. Plus, there are significant elevated risks for both breast cancer and endometrial cancer with that kind of hormone replacement therapy. Does your wife have any family history of those cancers? 

You're obviously looking for some kind of quick fix. You think your wife is broken and you want her to change, so you're willing to grasp at a straw that a) won't work, except for a possible placebo effect, b) carries significant health risks.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife has thought this through and is doing it. She knows more about the details than I do and she is an intelligent woman.

Do I think its healthy and normal for a wife to have a LD from day one in a marriage? NO.

Do I think its healthy and normal for a wife to usually deny her husband intimacy (sex)? NO.

If the roles were reversed, she had a HD and I had a LD, EA would follow and maybe divorce.

Have I told her over 13+ years of marriage, I'm not in the mood, maybe tomorrow, that doesn't happen either, again?, you just got it 3 days ago, its late, I'm tired, and on occasion fall asleep during foreplay? NO.

I am sexually STARVED!!! No amount of talking and reading books will help. Its the physicality I need and she knows this.

If she has issues from her past, she should of dealt with them before we got married and told me, instead of being LD, rejections and no change on her part for about 13 years.

Once we had the talk, she finally started to get it and now is making the effort, no more rejections, in the mood more, she initiates more, and is taking steps to get her sex drive to a healthy level.

I commend her for that because a lot of people would make excuses, nit pick it apart, and do nothing in the end.

She has been working with her therapist about this. She has been to her naturpath to work on this. She is finally doing something about this. Hats off to her.

This is not a quick fix, but will help in getting our marriage and sex life to what all the ladies here are doing, which my wife has never done. She wants to do these things, has told me, but wants to know why she holds back.........therapist for that.

This is not a placebo effect. These are trained professionals.

Because the end result would be, divorce. I would not put up with another 13 years of LD and the torment I've gone through.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Maybe cuddlebug is speaking of this. 
http://www.hllmc.com/sexual-enhancement.html
When he talks about a shot to get her engine going.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm not saying your wife should continue to reject you sexually. What I'm saying is that you are pinning your hopes on a dodgy-sounding procedure that is not being prescribed by a person who is qualified to do so, ie an endocrinologist, or at the very least, a medically trained doctor. Not a naturopath or a therapist. 

And you are so keen on the idea that this one thing is going to magically flip your wife's switch from LD to HD that you're accepting it all and not willing to do the smallest bit of research into whether this is a good idea.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Maybe cuddlebug is speaking of this.
> Sexual Enhancement - low libido, no libido, orgasm, orgasms, improved sex, oxytocin, oxytocin therapy, improve sexual desire, sexual interest
> When he talks about a shot to get her engine going.


Maybe. I still think it is incredibly risky to start messing around with your hormones without being under the supervision of an endocrinologist.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

I've denied it as a second time after the first, and when I've been extremely stressed I've stopped initiating. But I've tried to never turn her down if she's initiating. Even if we can't do the full PIV, I will try to please her otherwise.

Pity she's no longer interested at all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I'm not saying your wife should continue to reject you sexually. What I'm saying is that you are pinning your hopes on a dodgy-sounding procedure that is not being prescribed by a person who is qualified to do so, ie an endocrinologist, or at the very least, a medically trained doctor. Not a naturopath or a therapist.
> 
> And you are so keen on the idea that this one thing is going to magically flip your wife's switch from LD to HD that you're accepting it all and not willing to do the smallest bit of research into whether this is a good idea.


Agreed. And the following from his above post really concerns me:

"Do I think its healthy and normal for a wife to have a LD from day one in a marriage? NO.

Do I think its healthy and normal for a wife to usually deny her husband intimacy (sex)? NO.

If the roles were reversed, she had a HD and I had a LD, EA would follow and maybe divorce."


She had the LD from the beginning... FOR HER, that very well MAY BE healthy. 

Denying intimacy and/or sex? I will agree with you there...that's not cool at all.

But I also disagree about whether there would be an affair (of any kind, not "just" EA) would occur. Plenty of HD remain completely faithful, regardless. And there are some who are LD who are UNFAITHFUL. 

You're trying to get a pat on the back, CB, for remaining faithful to your wife because she has been LD from the very beginning. It doesn't work that way.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Totally agree with Maricha, a LD is not a health issue. A person can have very low or no drive and still be perfectly healthy, it's the way their bodies are supposed to be.

Your wife has had a LD since you married her. Did you marry her expecting her to change? Did you know this about her before you got married?


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> I am guilty of one year of sexless life, but that's not due to me rejecting, or she rejecting. We were just having a baby, and for reasons unknown to science, the parts of my brain relating to sex (which were a bit LD to begin with) completely shut down. Me the "sex machine" died, replaced by me "The Papa". I was in "Papa" mode. Totally forgotten sex. Did not initiate (big problem for my wife coz she is not an initiator type). I was too busy enjoying doing things for my son. Playing with him, changing diapers, buying baby clothes, showing him off to my clan, etc.
> 
> After a full year, my woman had enough of it and yelled at me. Snapped me out of it and I still feel guilty even until today. Now I made it a point to satisfy her at least 2-3 times a month, 4 if we got lucky.
> 
> Anyway, I believe that full year of no sex counts as denying sex.


Hmm... This is what happens to (some) women after having a kid. Did you ever have your T-levels checked?


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

Not intentionally I have many barriers and mind blocks that hold me back, but I never say no when she asks, she is just fed up about being the constant initiator.


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Maybe. I still think it is incredibly risky to start messing around with your hormones without being under the supervision of an endocrinologist.


:iagree::smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:

Seriously, CuddleBug. Has she consulted her GYN? An endocrinologist? A physician of any sort?

Hormones are a very serious matter and can have huge other affects than just "ramping up her sex drive". She may very well be low T. HRT would benefit her, if that were the case - as testosterone plays an important role in both males and females healthy functioning. That conclusion would have to come from a physician, however, and as I am not hers, I highly recommend she go see one before starting any kind of artificial* process that alters her hormones like that. 

*Regular, vigorous exercise is a great, healthy, natural way to boost testosterone. It does not produce the same levels as HRT, but is far lower risk for complications.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Daneosaurus said:


> Hmm... This is what happens to (some) women after having a kid. Did you ever have your T-levels checked?


Yea, I read about that. Funny thing it happened to me! My wife seemed to retain all her functions well after giving birth. So I guess my brain at that time rearranged its priorities and assigned my balls a very low priority, something like: "balls, just hang in there and do nothing. Don't call us, we'll call you" :scratchhead:

I never checked my hormones. I assumed that my equipment still works normally, because at that time (when I was in Papa mode) I still had regular morning glory (morning erection). And even today I have regular morning glory. So (thanks God) I am sure the equipment itself is ok.

Luckily, later in life I learned some mental concentration/self-persuasion skills to get myself in the mood, and it worked everytime my dear wife initiates.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with a person having a low libido drive. 
What that person should do is try to find a partner with the same or similar drive if they intend matrimony. I have a problem with somebody concealing it before marriage, then expecting their spouse to change after the hook is set.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

hookares said:


> There is nothing wrong with a person having a low libido drive.
> What that person should do is try to find a partner with the same or similar drive if they intend matrimony. I have a problem with somebody concealing it before marriage, then expecting their spouse to change after the hook is set.


Yes! Yes! Yes! It's one thing to have the decline for various reasons over time or to be low drive from the start. But TOTALLY different to suddenly change once that paper is signed. And, if there IS a marked change then get it checked by a DOCTOR, an endocrinologist, to see what's going on. Something like that shouldn't be diagnosed by someone who doesn't understand how hormones REALLY work. I mean, we can all suggest based on our own experiences...but when it comes to injecting/ingesting artificial hormones into our bodies, it's best left to real doctors.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

With my wife, only once in the 14 years we've been together, and really, I wasn't denying her sex, I was denying her foreplay, which was essentially denying her sex.

She has this thing where she wants me to give her hickeys on her boobs, and this particular instance, I wasn't in the mood for it. I was in a bad mood and just wanted to get to the point and be done with it. I would have even went down on her, but I wasn't in the mood for the hickey thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

I have never denied her sex because I was mad or upset with her. We have a rule in our house that we never go to bed mad or upset with each other, instead we talk about it until we are satisfied or the issue has been solved.

I have said no to her on occasion, particularly if she has been out with friends and I'm sleeping when she gets home, especially if I have to be up earlier than usual for work. The one time I didn't say no to her ended badly with both of us falling asleep before the main event.

She has said no to me a few times as well but I don't take it personally or get upset. I know how it feels to be tired and if I can't give all, then what's the point?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

No foreplay? Then it's masturbation rather than actual "sex".


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I disagree. no foreplay could mean a great F**K.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I have a serious issue with partners badgering their LD partners for sex so much that they become compelled to try these "treatments" to satisfy them. CB is clearly trying to chemically influence his wife's libido into a higher drive when she was always LD from the beginning.

SHE WAS LD FROM BEFORE THEY WERE MARRIED!

He knew what he was signing up for, there was no bait and switch. He probably thought that she would increase her drive during marriage. It does not happen that way. He would have done better to marry a hd person. 

Now she is taking these treatments in an effort to stop him from badgering her about sex. She wants to show him that she is making an effort for his sexual satisfaction. What will happen down the road when these treatments have unwanted side effects? What if she has side effects which will make sex difficult? CB needs to think about this, which is more important - a sexual partner or a healthy one. He may have to choose between the 2 in the future, because the treatments may not be safe and they are not being prescribed by a doctor so who knows what they will do.

Something to think about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He has never said no. And I have never said No.

Works out well.

Neither of us would insist, if we were really sick etc

But I hinted at not doing it last night, however we allready had in the morning and were both really tired. Even so, he knows if he was really in the mood it would have been fine. We don't turn each other down.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am getting somewhat tired of this.

I am not pushing drugs or supps into my wife. Get that through your heads!!! She is seeing professionals and did this as a surprise to me. I didn't know about it until our talk. So no more posts of CB is pushing drugs into her, etc. Old news and done already!!!

If you think its perfectly fine and marriage healthy for a spouse to deny their other half sex, they have a LD for 13+ years, you are not thinking about the other spouse's needs, only yourself, LD and that's the end of it. Marriage is 50 / 50, not LD and that's it. Otherwise, its very selfish and not taking care of your spouses needs.

Did I expect her to radically change after we got married? No. But I have for my health, for her and our marriage and I didn't have to be pushed or asked either. If I can, she can. No excuses.

But I did expect some growth, effort and change over the 13+ years. Of course. Get over her insecurities, work on it, etc.

Her LD issues are from her past, ex boyfriend, highschool and college years, her parents being very shy, quiet and conservative, upbringing, and yes, in her case, her larger size does make her insecure and she covers herself up and doesn't want sex much. Not all larger women are like this, but my wife is like this.

Since our talk, a lot has changed for the better. She is making the effort and taking the initiative. Before she did nothing. How is doing nothing good for any marriage? Its not.

I have no issues sexually compromising 50 / 50, 3+ times each week instead of every day or her 1x a month. That is what a marriage is about, meeting in the middle, making that compromise happen, and taking care of your other half's needs.

I am sexually starved for 13 years. Too many times to count, she's not in the mood, pushes me away, maybe later, again?, you just got it 2 - 3 days ago, or falling asleep during foreplay. I have never done this to my wifee, but she has over the 13 years and its okay, healthy, just because she has a LD? Are you serious? How would you like it if I denied you emotionally for 13 years? I have a emotional low drive, deal with it, right?

I've learned a lot from this forum from "everyone" and I am very greatful for that. I've applied the alpha male traits, read e-books, just bought a toy for her as a surprise, flowers, cards, surprise dinners, cuddling, back and foot rubs, listen to her day, helping with chores and errands without asking her, etc, etc, etc. She has it good here. When she gets home, there is pretty much nothing for her to do because I've done it already and I work a full time job and weight train and grocery shop. No more CB is a monster, etc.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bbdad said:


> CB:
> 
> I totally feel your pain. I agree on the LD is not a valid excuse. Otherwise, I could say, I don't feel like working to support the family any more. I have a LD for work. So, if I only work 1-2x per month, that is fine, right? I have a LD for conversation. How about if we only talk 1-2x/month? That is all I need for satisfaction and fulfillment. Why do I have to change to meet your needs of talking several times a day?
> 
> I think I still love my wife. I am just so tired of the rejections and crap that it is getting to the point where I am losing desire for her. I hate that it is happening, but after so many years of rejections, you just want to give up.


:iagree:You pretty much nailed it.:iagree:


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm not saying that CB is a monster pushing drugs. What I am saying is that over the course of your marriage you have brought up the fact that you are unsatisfied. She knows it, and she wants you to stop being unhappy. Clearly becuase she is trying these treatments to do it, and wanted to surprise you with a new found libido. How thoughtful of her. Now it is not a surprise becuase you brought up the issue yet again and she had to reveal her treatment so she could have some leverage in the discussion so she won't come off as the frigid refusing wife.

She is clearly stepping out of her comfort zone yet you continue to complain. These treatments won't cure her upbringing, negative past experiences or how she observed her parents relationship. You are having false expectations of these medications. This is why you need to ask questions on who were these treatments successful for:

Were they HD previosly? Are they going through menopause? Are they low T? Etc.

Nobody is trying to find fault with you, we are trying to get through to you the dangers of taking questionable treatments just to increase your wife's sex drive. Also, you are coming off as a person who will do whatever it takes regardless of the consequences regarding this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I am getting somewhat tired of this.
> 
> I am not pushing drugs or supps into my wife. Get that through your heads!!! She is seeing professionals and did this as a surprise to me. I didn't know about it until our talk. So no more posts of CB is pushing drugs into her, etc. Old news and done already!!!
> 
> ...


It is interesting that when we have a LD/HD topic that many say that the LD person should do more to step up and help bridge the gap. 

Seems like your wife is doing exactly that which is fantastic. All power to both of you and I hope that with the steps she is taking and the honest and open communication you appear to have that things improve for both of you. She must value and love you very much to be making this effort to go outside her comfort zone.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wife is a highly intelligent, University educated woman. She thought going to the professionals beforehand and decided to do this for the betterment of our marriage and not just her needs. There is a husband here, me, or does that really matter?

She has not hit menopause. 35 years old. No medical conditions. Has her dream career. Nice new loaded car which she only pays half of all the expenses (company likes her), she loves cats, so I got her one way back, she has it really good with minimal stress in life and our financial situation is fine too (no money issues) and no mortgage in 6 years either.

Yes, you could say she is a frigid wife to an extent. I gave the reasons why she is like this and none of it has to do with me, I just have to deal with it.

I've had a HD since my teens and no supps were used.

The professionals are telling her on diet and meal changes and the vaginal shot, not me. I guess they don't know what they're doing either??:scratchhead:


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Hang in there CB, keep trying and don't settle. If you both keep looking you will find what is right for you two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CB good diet can make a world of difference with some peoples drive. I am HD and to help maintain that (because I enjoy it) is to eat well. There are foods to help increase libido and I do focus on eating most of them (the vegetarian ones) regularly.

Feeling good and healthy certain can help with a persons drive.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

The only time he says no is when the little soldier won't stand up and salute. If that happens we have an evening of really naughty forplay and end with 69.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I know for the most part, our marriage is solid. Dealing with the LD issue is the last thing and she also agrees with me on that. I know with her new effort and change, we will be fine in the end. 

I've made the effort and radically changed in all areas since we got married and she got comfy and didn't change much at all.

My wife ate unhealthy when I first met her, vegetarian and staving herself, no exercise and missing meals, etc. I know this doesn't work and I eat a mini meal every 3 hours 6 times a day and I do Intermittent Fasting on weekends, 16 hours of only water and 8 hours for meals. You lean out, lose body fat, but don't lose muscle and get stronger. Simple and easy to do.

The key is exercise. If you have a slower metabolism, and do nothing over the many years, you will get big. Then menopause and you might get really big. Taking care of yourself from the beginning, exercise, diet, you can keep yourself in good shape for when you get older. Go to the Dr., thyroid checked, physical, possible issues?

When I grocery shop, I go out of my way to buy her more healthy alternatives, for her cleaned up diet and support her.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Childish behavior. What happened to some honest communication. I can see if you are sick which the only time I would have denied my wife sex. But, to use this as some manipulative tool which is what I am assuming what this is all about it is simply childish in my mind.

Clinical LD, would be 'sick' in the way that things are not normal... that being the case, best to deal with it medically.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

So some women like sex? That is news to me. I get shot down 90% of the time. I dont ask for it as much anymore tho getting rejected gets real old after a few years.
I can still remember before we got married she always told me once we were married we would get after it all the time she didnt want to get pregnant before. I thought ok I can live with this couple times a month till then. Well guess what it hasnt changed much. Although lately is probably the most yes I have ever got I have my fingers crossed it keeps improving. 
I have been doing reserch on food or something that will suppress my sex drive I dont know what else to do.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Stuckinrut said:


> So some women like sex? That is news to me. I get shot down 90% of the time. I dont ask for it as much anymore tho getting rejected gets real old after a few years.
> I can still remember before we got married she always told me once we were married we would get after it all the time she didnt want to get pregnant before. I thought ok I can live with this couple times a month till then. Well guess what it hasnt changed much. Although lately is probably the most yes I have ever got I have my fingers crossed it keeps improving.
> I have been doing reserch on food or something that will suppress my sex drive I dont know what else to do.



You have a HD. 

She has a LD. 

Sex should be 3+ times each week, middle ground. You drop your sex drive just enough to be happy for her and she compromises for a little more sex for you, that's the way its supposed to be and the majority of the posts here would vanish. Not LD and that's the end of it and healthy.

If you're single, have a LD, great, no sex then. But if you are in a relationship and are even married, now that has to change for the other spouse and health of the marriage.

Single, do everything for yourself.

Married, yourself and your other half's needs.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Speaking from my own perspective, perhaps LD isn't what your all thinking. 

I was oblivious to the fact my husband was unsatisfied. Why? Because he never told me and I was satisfied. I figured things were hunky Dory. I never knew how my rejections were making him feel. 

I don't think its fair to assume your wife is doing this on purpose. If I had known, I probably would've spiced things up big time. I enjoy sex, I was just too comfortable with us. I thought it was a normal thing to desire it less after marriage, kids...etc. I looked at my husband for support in other areas of my life. I thought he was doing the same.

Communication is key. I never even thought of having a sex conversation prior to tying the knot. Our sex life was amazing. And I honestly thought it was still amazing when I found out otherwise...


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> Speaking from my own perspective, perhaps LD isn't what your all thinking.
> 
> I was oblivious to the fact my husband was unsatisfied. Why? Because he never told me and I was satisfied. I figured things were hunky Dory. I never knew how my rejections were making him feel.
> 
> ...


Mrs. Tracy,

I agree with you that (1) LD-ness does not means we will always be withholding sex because we don't think it's important, and (2) Communication is the key.

However, many men in sexless marriages here in TAM actually had expressed their dissatisfaction to their wives/girlfriends. And guess what? Their partners still withhold sex from them, even after they have expressed their needs for sex and intimacy.

It is those selfish LD people who gave us unselfish LD people a bad name. Now TAM people consider LD=selfish, while in reality LDness and selfishness are two different things, as being LD does not automatically make us selfish. At least I am LD but not selfish when my wife want sex. Even if I am not initially in the mood, I will give my best efforts to get in the mood, and make her happy. I am sure I am not alone.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes, I've said no plenty of times. There is no real fear of sex drying up in our marriage so far, so I have no pressure to 'get it in while the getting is good'. If I don't feel like having sex at the moment she wants it, I'll decline. Sometimes she'll push my buttons, knowing full well it's easy to get me started, and sometimes she'll let it go. She's free to say "no" herself, and seldom will she get much backlip from me. Occasionally if she's really in the mood she'll get a little pouty about a "no", just like I do occasionally when she's not in the mood, or busy, or unavailable for whatever reason.

But "no" in our marriage is really "not at this moment". When you're not living in fear, you're almost never worried, or concerned, about a simple little "no" because you know sex will happen, and it will happen soon.

So far we manage to both say no a couple times a week, and still we're in the 3-4 times a week category at this time.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yes, I've said no plenty of times. There is no real fear of sex drying up in our marriage so far, so I have no pressure to 'get it in while the getting is good'. If I don't feel like having sex at the moment she wants it, I'll decline. Sometimes she'll push my buttons, knowing full well it's easy to get me started, and sometimes she'll let it go. She's free to say "no" herself, and seldom will she get much backlip from me. Occasionally if she's really in the mood she'll get a little pouty about a "no", just like I do occasionally when she's not in the mood, or busy, or unavailable for whatever reason.
> 
> But "no" in our marriage is really "not at this moment". When you're not living in fear, you're almost never worried, or concerned, about a simple little "no" because you know sex will happen, and it will happen soon.
> 
> So far we manage to both say no a couple times a week, and still we're in the 3-4 times a week category at this time.


And that's why I respect you and your marriage so much Jaquen. This is how it SHOULD work.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I guess I'm naive. Until recently and reading all the posts on TAM I honestly had no idea how important sex was in a marriage. I'm guilty of rejecting due to a build up of resentment and hurt. Which caused resentment and hurt and the cycle continued..until it was no more.


Made my eyes water. I'm not sure my wife gets it yet, or ever will. I know she knows she has anger, resentment, and hurt. And, she knows it is troubling to me that we seldom are physically intimate. She probably does not know I feel rejected by other ways she has withdrawn from interaction and contact with me. And, yet, I'm convinced she would say that I don't get her feelings of rejection either.

However it all started, the mutual rejection takes on a life of its own, and then does nearly un fathomable damage.

I wish you the best.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

I was continually rejected through early days of marriage, we would cuddle, i would try to instigate sex and he would start playing i spy?? he would start light foreplay then roll over and say "goodnight" if I mentioned being spanked, he said joina a yahoo group?? or said do something to take your mind off it- then I discovered he was into being submissive and was cntacting escorts etc- now I feel so rejected my body doesnt arouse at all, it seems to have subconciously associated sex with that rejection and the knowladge he was denying me pleasure while getting gratification online or worse  I once slipped under the covers and started to give hima BJ..he didnt even get an erection, I recall silenty crying, I felt so humiliated..I am wondering if he is gay-I have been told I am attractive over the years enough -even when I put on sexy or kinky lingerie he just fell asleep,


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

jen53 said:


> I was continually rejected through early days of marriage, we would cuddle, i would try to instigate sex and he would start playing i spy?? he would start light foreplay then roll over and say "goodnight" if I mentioned being spanked, he said joina a yahoo group?? or said do something to take your mind off it- then I discovered he was into being submissive and was cntacting escorts etc- now I feel so rejected my body doesnt arouse at all, it seems to have subconciously associated sex with that rejection and the knowladge he was denying me pleasure while getting gratification online or worse  I once slipped under the covers and started to give hima BJ..he didnt even get an erection, I recall silenty crying, I felt so humiliated..I am wondering if he is gay-I have been told I am attractive over the years enough -even when I put on sexy or kinky lingerie he just fell asleep,


The problem isn't you. It's him. Or a fundamental incompatibility. IMHO.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Last month when it was time to get my allowance I told her not to worry about it and I told her if I'm just another chore for her then just forget about it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Thound said:


> Last month when it was time to get my allowance I told her not to worry about it and I told her if I'm just another chore for her then just forget about it.


Good for you! I can see myself doing that next time (uhm, but I have no scheduled allowance!).

If you don't mind, did that have any effect on her, good or bad?


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