# Help - falsely being accused



## stress6 (Sep 28, 2011)

My wife and I have been having differences in opinion about my side of the family as she feels that they have not pampered her the way she deserved and i've been in the middle of it, trying to balance both sides. I think she has made up her mind since last 6 months that my brother and his wife are bad people and even after they said sorry, their main aim is to break our marriage.
We were all living in our parents place before but moved out over a month back but she can't get over the fact that people are trying to break our marriage. I've stopped talking properly to my brother/sis-in-law long time back even though, they don't say a negative word to me about my wife and I. I do feel bad for parents coz i don't talk all that much with them either as my wife feels that they also support my brother and sis in law.
She has lot of insecurities and i get torn b/w family and my relationship with her so tend to get quiet at times to which she gets very frustated and yells at me for not being a man. I just go in my shell and i've told her that i don't want to talk about family as she has been constantly degrading them since last 6 months. I can see she is upset but it does hurt listening to crap about my parents and brother and i've tried telling her that 
but she gets even more mad thinking that how can i not accept the fact they are trying to ruin our marriage. 
I'm a very quiet kind of person and keeps thing inside but i just saw an email from my wife to her mother/sister back overseas wher she falsely accused me of abusing her mentally, physically and sexually. I've never ever thought about raising my hand coz that's not how i was raised. I on the other hand tend to say sorry everytime we have a fight coz she gets so mad that i tend to get scared of her behavior. I can't even tell my parents coz i feel my wife is alone
and only has me for support and if she finds out that i told my family, she won't know how to react and i don't want her to do anything stupid as i've a feeling she can coz her lies will be caught.
Her dad is at a very high rank in army overseas and has already threatened my family that if her daughter is not treated well, he will create havoc for my whole family. She has felt neglected and thinks that no one in my family likes her and thats why they don't talk nicely to her and have said mean things about her to extended family. My parents have made changes and try and talk more to my wife but she took this matter to a whole new level by telling her mom that my parents have verbually abused her and threaten to kill her if she says a word.
She is making up all these lies to build her story as she has mentioned in the past that she is going to take everyone down if she is not treated right and i guess she has no story if she says that they have made me feel neglected and haven't talked to me properly at gatherings so now she is adding this bull****.
I'm scared but i worry about her as i can tell she is going though a lot of insecurity and i just want her to be ok and get back to her life and take her mind of this pity family drama.
I want her parents to come here so i can atleast be sure that she has their support and even though this is killing me that she is falsely accusing me of all this, i cant confess her as she will just do something stupid in order to hide her lies.
Please advice as i'm worried about my wife's health and her behavior


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

One thing that jumped out at me about this post is that she seems to be trying to drive a wedge between you and your family, she's lying, her behavior frightens you, she's blaming you for things you didn't do, and she seems hypersensitive to the actions of your family.

These are signs of an abusive relationship.

Please be careful and get help if you need it.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

hmm...this sounds like a movie. sorry that you are going through this
you have said her family is overseas, is yours by any chance an arranged marriage? If so I think she is home sick. If she had not known your family prior to your marriage then there is a chance that she had a different expectations and they are not met. 

What kinda insecurity do you think she has? Does she feel secured to be your wife? How long have you been married? 6months? You have mentioned something like your brother and his wife had said sorry, so did they do something really to shake her security?


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Normally I'd say:
Accept that it's possible she is correct about your family, once you've done that tell her she needs to accept the possibility that she is wrong. 
In your case:
Your wife sounds like she is mentally ill and/or maliciously exploiting you. From what you describe it is clear that she is secretly plotting against you. Falsely claiming you abuse her is an extremely serious problem. You need to get proactive NOW before she gets you put in prison. I think you should talk to a psychiatrist about her behavior, hire a lawyer, and document EVERYTHING.


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## stress6 (Sep 28, 2011)

Thanks for the replies so far. 
Here's a *lil more detail about my relationship *(Yes its an arranged marriage) from one of my post few weeks back. 
I need to spend this whole weekend with her and pretend that i don't know what she is upto which is hard.. Why can't we just both go our seperate ways without having to hurt each other.

I’ve been married for almost 9 months now but my wife was overseas and just came here. I’m living with family ( parents, brother, sis-in-law, niece) and last 9 months have been stressful due to the fact that my sis-in- law and wife never got along well and most of it has to do with my sis-in-laws attitude as she didn't show any eagerness to know my wife and make her feel welcome. She in fact got threatened i feel as my wife comes from a rich background and she is on the opposite side of the pendulum so her behavior created distance between my wife and her plus my brother coz he supported his wife in whatever she did as they had a love marriage.
We had an arrange marriage after a courtship period of couple of months which i never felt was enough to develop the bonding newly married couples need. Most of our bonding has been on phone/Internet. 
Her dad is at a very high position in the army and has many contacts and threatened my parents/brother that if they don’t behave properly he can make them disappear. That scared me as I do care about my family and even though my brother and his wife have said sorry to my wife for their behavior she just don’t want to forget them and the horrible time she suffered coz of them while being away from me. I get that will take time but now she has made up her mind that my parents also favor my brother/sis-in-law and everyday I go home from work she has so many complaints about them and says bad things about them. I seriously think my parents are not bad at all and trying their best to make my wife feel welcomed. 
We are moving out this weekend even though my parents wanted us to stay but I can’t go through the mental torture of my wife complaining about them everyday I go home. She has a very strong personality and coming from a army background a lot of class and always make remarks of how biased my dad is towards my brother and that no one cares for me. I can understand her frustration but her constant nagging only makes me want to think as to what future has in store for us. If it were upto her she would eventually want me to stop talking to my parents and when I try and defend them even a tad bit..she gets FURIOUS and that scares me coz I feel she will call her dad and his dad can’t see her crying. 
Sorry to make this long but I feel like I’m stuck between parents and her and ahvent even had a chance to bond with her but her negative approach towards my family doesn’t help me in showing my love and affection to her. I can’t even discuss this with her coz she won’t have a word of it from me. 
My parents are really trying to make her feel welcome but like I said she points out only the bad things and as to how biased they are towards my brothers side of family.
Any suggestions as I’m getting so stressed that I can’t focus on work or anything.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

It sounds as if you have your work cut out for you. Coming from a military family, it is very important that you have strong boundaries with her, in a loving way. Start to form a relationship with her family and talk often with her father. Let him know how hard you are trying and that you are very concerned that she is painting a poor picture of you. Her parents may be well aware of what their daughter does by way of not being completely honest and may have words of advice for you. Be loving with her, but be firm. Right now she is acting like a spoiled brat and the way you act as if you are at a loss makes you look weak in her eyes, when she needs someone to act strong. So, Loving but firm, and reach out to her family would be my suggestions.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You're either leaving out seriously necessary information or your wife is a raving lunatic.

For example, I've read all your posts here and still have nO clue what specifically has your wife so upset
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

How old is she? She's just been sent to another country to marry someone she hardly knows to live with a family that are strangers to her.

Maybe she's insecure and feels threatened by being thrust into a whole new world and doesn't know how to cope with it. Also, when it comes to wives/husbands of siblings, it's either they are the best of friends or the worst of enemies, I have never seen anything in the middle ground. Always one or the other trying to make themselves out to be the center of attention.

Can you afford to live by yourself to help ease her into getting used to your family? Are your parents showing more attention to the new wife and have kind of left your brother's wife behind when she used to be the center of attention?

There are alot of variables that could come into play especially since it's an arranged marriage. BTW my brother got married the same way, the wife is cool but doesn't have much in between the ears but I cannot stand the mother-in-law. I see gold digger written all over the mother in laws face, ggrrrr...but I don't want to threadjack lol.


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## stress6 (Sep 28, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You're either leaving out seriously necessary information or your wife is a raving lunatic.
> 
> For example, I've read all your posts here and still have nO clue what specifically has your wife so upset
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well what has got her upset the most i think is i couldnt stand up for her in beginning when my sis in law was not talking to her nicely (by nicely i mean either she would give a one word reply to my wife or not show any curiousity to know her better). I don't share any relationship with my sis in law except hi and hello and it didnt bother me but my wife didnt like it and i ignored it at first but then my wife started blaming my brother for it saying that her wife is too pampered by him and thats why she can act the way she wants in the house and no one can dare say anything to her coz ur brother will rip them apart. My brother and i have two different personalities and i'm more of a laid back guy and the quiet one in the family. 
My wife blames me saying that i don't have any balls to say this to anyone and i'm the reason everyone has treated her indifferntly( by not making her feel welcome and pampering her). Then from my brother she strated blaimng my parents as according to her they never took any action against my sis in laws behavior ( I know my parents have scolded my sis in law several times but she can still be a ***** sometimes, which i can agree with, although she realizes her limits). It's just a mess and i know my sis in law and wife would never get along but she hates her and my brother with a passion and now it has extended to my whole family and she has been verbually abusing them for last 6 months and all i've been doing is listening coz even if i say a word in their favor she gets very mad. I thought once she moves to U.S it would get better and now that we are living on our own she just doesnt want to give this topic up. (she moved here last month)
I don't think my family is that bad or have done anything that drastic to make her write such a mail to her mom/sister and she now pretty much wants me to suffer my whole life coz i defended them in our discussion and said no to her about talking crap about them.
I hope i answered some of the questions you guys had.
All the suggestions are welcome and thanks for reading through it. I just don't know what is she planning now..

P.s- She is 26 and very pampered all her life and always had what she wanted coz her parents are very well to do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Ok that`s a bit clearer.

You`ve married a drama queen.
If you remain married to her you can expect nothing but an escalation of this madness.

Your only chance is to put your foot down and set your boundaries and not give an inch.

She will either gain respect for you for this or become even more infuriated.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I can see the picture a little better now. So yours is a joint family and you left your newly married wife with your family while you were in US (correct me if I am wrong). 

Is your wife from India? I ask this because a close friend of mine who moved here after marriage (just like your wife) went through similar issues. 

Well, I gather she doesn't feel that you will stand up for her or that she is your priority in life. This could have started after she had problems with your sis in law. It could be that she's making up all these stories to get back at you for not standing up for her. I can sense that you love your family and that they are important to you. 

If you love her and want to make this marriage work, you first have to assure her that she is more important to you and that you will do anything for her (she probably won't ask you to stop talking to your family or anything its just that she may want to hear it), stop defending your family when she talks bad, instead acknowledge her feelings and tell her that you won't put her through this again (you don't have to agree with her or show your disagreement to her) Make plans for a short getaways and special occasions so that she will have less time to talk about your family. Slowly she will gain confidence in you and won't be so harsh on your family. Like some of the posters said, talk to her family about the false accusations and keep a good relationship with them. 

Once she calms down you have to make it clear that you expect certain standard of behaviour with your parents and that they should be treated with respect. 

If you feel that these won't work on her then its best not to be married to her and save your sanity.


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