# Advice needed



## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

First let me start by saying i am married to a great guy. No abuse, drinking or cheating. Well about 2 months ago I started talking to a single guy. He is my girlfriends friend from high school. So I know his back ground. It all started out Innocent with us just kidding around with each other, but he now tells me he's madly in love with me. We have never met, he lives about 400 miles away. He is such a sweet guy and I really have tried to leave him alone but all I do is think about him 24 - 7. We are going to meet soon and I don't know what will happen. My husband is totally unaware of whats going on. I have tried to talk to him and tell him that I need some attention, but he just tells me he is happy the way things are and I am not. I told him that I was going to trade him in, he says yea i know but I won't trade you. How do I get his attention before I do something that will ruin my life. There are so many feeling I have for both men. The kids are in college and there is nothing holding me here but the hurt I would do to my husband. Is that a reason to stay?


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

why not set up a weekend away as a surprise for you and your husband? Start a work out routine, walks in the park or something with your husband?

You know what they say about the grass always being greener on the other side of the fence... why is this guy who I am guessing is near your age, single?


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## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

His wife of 30+ years cheated on him and left. He is a little older than me. I have tried to make plans with my husband and he is always to tired or just wants to relax. I have been working out and walking all by myself. Can't get him to spend time with me. He is always on the computer, so thats when I started always being on the computer too!


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

I did that pretty much with my wife also, the whole taking for granted thing. Until she got a job working with all men, and then it kind of hit me like a sledgehammer that I needed to be sure she KNEW how much I loved her.

We started exercising together, a few times a week after she got the job (even though itsa double edged sowrd asshe looks better for them also) and she won't do the weekend thing w/o the kids as they are still young, to her. to me, 13 and 10 they are old enough to spend a night with grandma and grandpa, but I get it.

Lately though, we have not exercised together as much as she went from 20 hours a week in Sept to 30 at the beginning of Dec. to 40-45 now with a lot more responsibility and now no real time to exercise with me except maybe once a weekend.

maybe get a part time job at a construction office, let him know its ALL men....maybe they same sledgehammer slams home there also.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You have 23 years in this marriage. There is no abuse, drinking, or infidelity. That is enough to try to get things worked out. This other guy is filling an emotional need your H isn't. Instead of investing time chatting it up with him, invest that time in trying to find ways to make your marriage better. And really...two months and this other guy is "madly" in love with you? Seriously. I'm not saying you're not someone that no one could be "madly" in love with...but he's feeding you a line of crap to get into your pants, and you're buying it. 

It takes a lot of work to better your marriage, and to get needs met that aren't. It's going to take some serious, heart-to-heart talks. You have to continue to find a way to get your husband to take this seriously. That will take time and effort. Of which you'll have less of if you're spending online time with someone else. 

I would talk to a therapist. They can help you navigate through talking to your husband. They can help you navigate through this issue with the other man. Honestly, I'd call someone today, before you do something you regret.


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## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

Lets talk about valentines day. I went out and got the kids cards and got him a card with a box of chocolates. I got a Oh it valentines day. I just feel so unappreciated. 

I know he works hard for us. (he is in construction...LOL) A job outside the house sounds like a good thing. Maybe when I come home to tired to spend time with him. He will get it. But I doubt it. 

Why should I have to be the only one who does all the work for this marriage? Its my fault too, I know, I let him get this way. But now I need more. And by the way NO ONE is getting in my pants! I am just going to meet a friend. I wasn't out looking for this to happen. It just woke me up to how good life could make you feel.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Married 23 years said:


> Lets talk about valentines day. I went out and got the kids cards and got him a card with a box of chocolates. I got a Oh it valentines day. I just feel so unappreciated.
> 
> I know he works hard for us. (he is in construction...LOL) A job outside the house sounds like a good thing. Maybe when I come home to tired to spend time with him. He will get it. But I doubt it.
> 
> Why should I have to be the only one who does all the work for this marriage? Its my fault too, I know, I let him get this way. But now I need more. And by the way NO ONE is getting in my pants! I am just going to meet a friend. I wasn't out looking for this to happen. It just woke me up to how good life could make you feel.



You have gone from your original post saying you don't know what will happen, to just over an hour later saying no one is getting in your pants....

Thats a quick turnaround.

I seriously suggest you let your husband know how serious this is, and MAKE him listen, and tell him some consequences if he doesn't start meeting your needs


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## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

I was talking about what kind of feeling I will have for the other man when we actually meet. I have not met him yet and would not sleep with him anyway on a first meeting. Major misfit said thats all he wants. Thats a long drive for nothing, if thats his intention.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Married 23 years said:


> I have not met him yet and would not sleep with him anyway on a first meeting.


(emphasis on a "First Meeting")

But you have/are thinking about it

Additional,

Its not about what this "other bloke" wants either, its your needs, and your husband isn't providing it


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## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks Neil.


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## curious1 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi 
I have been married 21 years and both my wife and I were in a rut which if continued would probably have left us divorced. My marriage needed a big shake up. Unfortunately, I shook things up the wrong way by having a brief Affair. 

My wife knew I was unhappy but really didn't realize how unhappy I was. We are very lucky that this event shook us to the core and brought us back together in a way that I never thought was possible. 

My advice is not to meet the friend. Life is always greener on the other side of the fence. Don't tempt yourself but you need to shake things up so that your husbands "get it". Things are not working for you and if he values the marriage he will get with the program.


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## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

Please how do you shake up marriage? I have no idea.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

You're the only one who can stop you from doing something that will ruin your life....and trust me, if you continue with this emotional affair then you will ruin not only your life but your husband's as well. And what about your children? Do you think it won't affect their lives if you run off with another man?

Are you seriously willing to risk causing so much hurt to those you love just so you can get a bit of attention from someone you don't even know? 

Don't for a minute believe that you know this other guy, all you know is what he portrays himself as on the internet and a bit of out dated information from his school days from your girlfriend (how long ago was that?). No decent man would encourage any woman he truly cared about to have an affair that would risk her losing the last 23 years of her life. Especially not one who was himself cheated on.

You owe it to yourself, your husband and your marriage to stop what you are doing right now OR leave your marriage "before" you meet this other man. If you don't, then your marriage break-up will be ALL about the affair and not the real issues of the marriage.

If there was no other man....would your husband's behaviour be enough for you to end a 23 year marriage? Your husband may not be all that you want or need at the moment....but he trusts you to do the right thing. You need to stop "trying" to get through to him and start "doing" it earnestly. 

I've been on the internet for almost 20 years and I've seen hundreds (if not thousands) of women and men in the same position you are in now and I have to tell you, it rarely works out well.


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## curious1 (Feb 17, 2011)

Married 23 years said:


> Please how do you shake up marriage? I have no idea.


You shake things up by sharing with your husband how you feel and that your marriage needs help because you are unhappy. I would suggest a good marriage counselor. It made all the difference for us.


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## dontwanttoloseher (Aug 21, 2010)

Married 23 years said:


> Please how do you shake up marriage? I have no idea.


maybe a part time job would do the trick.
You coming home from work and telling him about 'Matt/John/ or Joe" doing something at work everyday, may get his attention.

It got mine, even ordinary every day innocent things like one of the guys bringing left overs in for lunch from the dinner he made the night before. Got me thinking why the he!& is this guy trying to show off his culinary skills....

then again, I'm a bit insecure so.

Good luck to you though, and 23 yrs with a good spouse is a LONG time to possibly throw away... think of all the great times you've had in the past... and tell him you want more in the future. Plan that weekend, from your part time earnings, and don't give him an option.

dam construction workers... 
yes my wife works in a construction companys office.
2 other men direct contact with all day, and the 2 male owners in and out the office all day and a 3rd silent partner here and there. not to mention the actual workers, all younger then I though not in too much better shape.
They call her mom (42), but she is still hot and they know it.


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## Married 23 years (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks everyone....will talk to him about marriage counseling tonight and see what he says. I doubt that he will go, he's happy and thats all that I feel matters to him. But will give him a chance to stop this before the meeting happens.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Married 23 years said:


> Why should I have to be the only one who does all the work for this marriage? Its my fault too, I know, I let him get this way. But now I need more. And by the way NO ONE is getting in my pants! I am just going to meet a friend. I wasn't out looking for this to happen. It just woke me up to how good life could make you feel.


You don't have to be the only one who does all the work for the marriage. But YOU are the one here, not your H. Any change has to start with one person. And right now, that person is you. 

You really think this man is willing to make a "long drive" just to be friends with you? You can't be that naive. This is just the first step. He can be "friends" with you without having to meet up with you. Doesn't it stand to reason that if he's "madly in love" with you, that he'd want to take that a step further? 

I don't think you realize the role you have to take in making things better in the relationship for yourself.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

We must've been posting at the same time. I hope your H will go for MC with you. If not, please seek IC for yourself. It can't hurt. I wish you the best.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What I'm getting from you is: (1) your husband is happy with the status quo, (2) you are not happy and feel unfulfilled, (3) your are meeting a man who claims to be "madly in love" with you although your communication has not yet been f-2-f, and, (4) you're willing to meet this man and are sure you won't have any physical contact (kissing, petting, etc.) when you meet.

Curiosity killed the cat. Granted, it's an old expression, but your meeting with this man may very will kill your marriage. I am only getting what is going on from your perspective, and the gist I am getting is your husband sits around like a lump of clay and has no interest in counseling. That leaves the ball in your court.

Rather than meeting with some guy who is, from that "madly in love" baloney he fed you, seeking to get you in bed, I'd just let him know you're flattered but not interested in meeting at the present time. Period. He doesn't really know you, but he loves you? Gimme a break!

Do you want to stay married to the man you presently have for a husband? Can you get his attention another way? I generally advise people with a marriage of longevity to have an initial consultation (often at no charge) with a family law attorney. At least you will know what you are entitled to, should you decide that a legal separation of divorce are your only viable solutions. Don't threaten to do anything you don't intend to follow through on. In other words, don't go tell your husband, "I saw a lawyer, and he told me I am entitled to half of your income and investments you have earned over the course of our marriage." Just have substantive information, should you feel the need to use it. 

And I'd strongly suggest you really reconsider not meeting with Mr. I'm-So-In-Love-With-You. Curiosity. Yep, it killed the cat.


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