# 3 years out and it is not easier...



## spartan2020 (Sep 19, 2013)

I went about this all wrong. If I hadn't been out of my mind I would've seen the right move was to leave...

But I didn't...and here I am now looking for some honest advice.

Backdrop...Christmas eve 2010, I'm in the bathroom getting ready and my wife left her phone. I've never really looked. I was naive I suppose. Looked at it and knew something was up because I certainly would've remembered a message saying "I'm horny as hell". The ensuing 4 months were a series of phone tapping, message recording and finding out my wife was nothing more that a lying **** that had been cheating on me for years with multiple men. All the time I had been working hard, raising kids, cooking and cleaning...she was off bouncing around with several men. 

Yet, I couldn't leave. I kept telling myself "for or for worse" and other nonsense like that. Part of me thought it was my fault. Mostly, though it was an overwhelming feeling of sadness that my family was breaking up which is something that I couldn't, apparently, deal with. I really do think I lost my mind. In retrospect it just seems like a timeframe filled with lies and deceit on both of our parts. A little piece of me died there that will never come back...can't really explain it but it's a mixture of self-worth, trust, logic, intelligence and credibility. In general, I'm a fool now that can't really come to grips with how stupid and absorbed I was at that time.

Somewhere in all of this mess my wife got pregnant, with as the DNA reveals, is my child. I can't tell you how comforting it is to wonder, for 9'ish months, whether a child is yours. We tried living a normal, family life after that. Doing things with the kids, going to zoos, going to Disney, family trips, etc., etc.. Just trying to be normal but in the back of my mind I always wondered. She never really apologized with the tone of the affair conversations being "you're the one who wanted this"...which I guess is true. I caught her a few times early on trying to contact the OM and one time having some inappropriate texts with some college kid from far away...but nothing in the past year and a half or so. I dig around every so often and she seems like she's put that lifestyle behind her like she so eloquently puts as "a part of me died". She claims she can never do that again. It was way too hard and says she lost alot too just as I did. 

Still the trust isn't there and I doubt it ever will be. The only thing I notice is I care less and less to snoop around since I see nothing. I don't know if that can be chalked up to trust building or just plain apathy about the situation.

As time moves on and I realize that it stops for noone I question many of my choices and it's becoming increasingly clear that the best thing for all (outside of the baby I suppose) would've been a divorce. Have I really "made my bed"? Should I just accept this and live the best I can until, at least, my kids grow up? I've a 16yr old stepdaughter, 8yr old son, 6yr old daughter and an, almost, 2 yr old son. I hear of people staying together "for the kids" and as long as we're not constantly fighting and creating a poor living environment for them all, is that what I really should do. I'm 40yrs old and feel I still have something to offer however I'm torn with the fact I've got 3 small children. I come from a divorced household when I was young and it wasn't fun just as I'm sure this wouldn't be fun. My wife and I seem to get along (a good portion of the time) and I actually do love her still (for whatever reason).

I'm caught between what is, probably, best for me and what is best for my kids. My wife is not a very good Mom. If she was I wouldn't lie about it but she just cares more about her stuff than the Mommy role. So I push hard for her to do some of the chores and the "mommy" things she should do and I fill in the gaps. If we were to divorce sadly I can see the 16yr old filling the Mommy role more than her and that's not fair to my stepdaughter or anyone else. Basically, I can see some f'd up kids growing up since I know I wouldn't have my kids more than 50% of the time.

I sometimes feel I'm just broken beyond repair and I just should sacrifice myself for my kids however I know they're not stupid. If they can't pick up emotions yet, they will eventually. Worse yet, will I somehow, unintentionally, resent them later for "keeping" me in this role.

I'm thoroughly confused. I used to have good logic in finding the appropriate path...I can't here. All roads seem to lead to sadness. Only difference is whether it's immediate sadness or future sadness.

Some of you guys are brutal and thats OK. Anything that may enlighten me and make me feel something is what I need. Thank you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I read through your post a couple of times, looking for what you've done to help process your feelings. Did I miss something? Books read, a counselor, etc?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Don't torture yourself by staying. There IS a whole other world out there that you can be happy in. You've given it 3 years and you're still not happy? That's long enough to realize what you need to do. No reason not to be happy. Stressing over this affair bullsh*t will kill you if you do it long enough. Gotta have the courage to make the right choice.


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## spartan2020 (Sep 19, 2013)

I, initially, went to counseling...and then the two of us went. We did that for about 6 months. It tended to be more about her than me. I've been thinking it might be of use for me to just go and try and figure out what I need. Part of me thinks, at the very least, I should move out for a bit to see what happens to me. Will I be sad? Happy? Relieved? Idk...I tend to think a little of everything. However, I think I'll start counseling.

I've read most of the little articles here and am going thru the Nice Guy again. I went through that a couple years ago...changed and then somehow have been slowly changing back into the nice guy again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So you are in a hostage situation?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

spartan? I'd say martyr.

Bad mom and serial cheater¿ No wonder you are drained.

Did you wife get any therapy, read any book, something proactive?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Me personally... I could not live like that. 

Splitting apart families is a hard decision that resonates well with me, as I had to make that decision. 

Please pursue individual counseling, if for no other reason than to help you move forward, in which ever direction you decide is best for you and your children.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP, 

This ultimately boils down to one question.

How much more can you continue to crush your own pride and self-respect to stay with an undeserving W?

It sounds to me like you have never even received a full confession of all her betrayals of your M and family.

You have basically worked with her to rugsweep this entire debacle, and now the price for that mistake is coming due.

It is good, however, that you seem to realize that the behavior you are modeling for your children will not escape their notice.

Do you really want them to grow up to believe that this is how a spouse should deal with a traitorous partner?

Not only will you have then sacrificed your own self-respect, but you can legitimately ask yourself what you have truly 'gained' for your children.

You should probably separate yourself for a period of time to clear your head. This will have the additional benefit of possibly waking your foolish WW up to how serious she has screwed up the M.

If you do decide after a time to come back and attempt to fix the M, do it right this time. Accept no blameshifting, minimizing, or hiding of details by your WW. Make her get IC if she cannot give a satisfactory answer as to how and why she could have betrayed the entire family like this.

If she doesn't want to do this difficult work, then you have been in a false R the entire time anyway. It would only be a matter of time and circumstance before she did it again.

At that point you will know D is your only viable option.


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## spartan2020 (Sep 19, 2013)

hmmm...hostage. Well, I guess I'm holding my own self hostage here. I'm frozen in fear because all the outcomes seems so bad although the ground beneath me is crumbling. Saying I'm going to walk away is so much easier than doing it.

Well, Dyokemm, I think your absolutely right. It was kind of a "rug sweeping" debacle. It's become obvious that forgetting it is something I can never do and that accepting it will require a need for more info from her with alot of who/what/when/where/why/how questions answered. Even then it may be too hurtful to really reconcile but it's gotta be better than this purgatory I'm in now. After 3 years we may both be so tired that it's just not worth the effort. I'll be surprised if she's willing to do this at this point.

So...I guess it may be time to move out to clear my head and give both of us some time to realize what we both want. On top of that I think I'll jump back into some counseling because, in rereading my own posts, it's apparent that I'm not OK and haven't been for quite awhile. I need to be OK to be a good Dad regardless of whether I'm married or not.

I truthfully dont know how my little family can stay together but I need to accept that staying together might not be the best thing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You think that all roads lead to sadness because you are unfamiliar with any way but what you are doing. Thats not true. One road to happiness would be that your W suddenly has an epiphany and becomes truly remorseful and throws herself into making your marriage work. The other road to happiness is divorce, so that you have the freedom to actually build a new life for yourself and your kids. Right now, THE ONLY ROAD to sadness, is the one you are currently following. 

You say you are child of divorce. (me too) How would it have made you feel if your parents had stayed together, and you found out as a young adult that your father was a doormat who stayed with your cheating mother all those years "for you and your siblings", and pretending things were ok, when in reality he was feeling as you do now? Wouldnt you be sad for him, for allowing himself to live in misery? And wouldnt you feel guilty that you were a big reason that he stayed in that situation? I think we all want happiness for our parents. 

It is not too late for you. You have given this three years with a cheater whose only remorse is that she got caught. This is no way to live your life. Would divorce be a difficult road? Yes. Would it be worth it? I say yes. See the quote in my signature.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

There was a thread not that long ago about staying for kids... and this is what I had said from my own experience:

I was the youngest of 4 children... When I was almost 4yo my mother put me in preschool early, so that she could go back to school. Her intent was so that she could have a means to support us when she left my dad. 

My parents fought on and off all throughout my life. My mom was a teacher, and my dad worked at a gov't job- swing shift when he could. It made it easier for him to deal with the misery. 

Although they had bouts where they would get along, they were never, ever happy. It was evident. As kids we all had our respective friends whose homes we were at more than our own. Who wants to be around that? Even when they weren't fighting, the energy was completely toxic. 

I graduated HS in June of 1998. My parent's divorce was finalized the following month. The family home was sold, and I left for college with no place to call home anymore. That was difficult to deal with, being 2800 miles from the place I had called home for 8 years.

I ended up making bad decisions including staying with a BF that cheated, and staying in an abusive marriage for 8 years. I didn't know what a healthy marriage looked like. I left that marriage by way of more bad decisions... I actually became an AP, until I left that situation too. 

I've had a lot of counseling. I've learned a lot about myself and my relationships... And I hope some day to know what a good relationship actually feels like. But in reality, I'm not sure I would be able to recognize one if it bit me in my a$$. For now, I remain single... afraid to drag anyone through my crap. And I have a child that yearns for a family unit that I cannot provide. 

My siblings and I have had many conversations about this as adults... And we agree that in our situation, we wish they'd split up. 

They are both happily re-married now, and I like them both much better now. They are easier to be around now that they aren't living in misery. 

If reconciliation is a viable scenario... Stay. Try. If not... Walk away as much for them, as for your own happiness. You all deserve that.

Just my 2cents.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I do believe that this is a result of rug sweeping. It seems to me you never got from your wife the answers you needed and you passively resolved not to push. Now you are feeling the consequences of that passivity.

Frankly, get away with your wife with no distractions. Give her this one last chance. I would talk to your wife in very straight forward words. If you can't do this on your own, get someone to mediate this. If your wife is not forthcoming then you know she really does not care about you.

You should not move out. I understand you wanting to bail. I would suggest that if you fail to get what you want and need from your wife, that you file for D. 

I frankly would not tell her. If she is not forthcoming, I would give her not one threat, not one word of warning. Go see an attorney, file, and serve her.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I do believe that this is a result of rug sweeping. It seems to me you never got from your wife the answers you needed and you passively resolved not to push. Now you are feeling the consequences of that passivity.
> 
> Frankly, get away with your wife with no distractions. Give her this one last chance. I would talk to your wife in very straight forward words. If you can't do this on your own, get someone to mediate this. If your wife is not forthcoming then you know she really does not care about you.
> 
> ...


Listen to this man he gives great advice....


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

So let me get this straight, she already had a kid when you met her (step daughter), cranked out 3 more kids with you while cheating on you with other men throughout, and she is a crappy mother and lazy house keeper to boot.

Excise this cancer from your life and be a positive role model for the kids.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You are a good man. It's never to late to make changes. Wether you stay or go you and your kids will be ok. I hope the very best for you. You deserve the very best.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

In reading your posts it sounds like you know what the right answer is. In your heart you know if you continue doing the same old thing NOTHING will ever change. You will continue to be unhappy. You are going to turn around and be 45 and still feel the same. Is that what you want?

Just make a change of some sort. I would say you've wasted 3 years not standing up for yourself. Don't worry, I've done the same thing. I took a stand this weekend and it feels great. I am somewhat fearful of the future but I know I can handle it and will thrive no matter what. I've spent the last 6 months working hard on myself. I suggest you do the same.

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? Did wonders for me.


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