# STICKY: 3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust in the DS's Honesty



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust in the DS's Honesty*

For reference only:


When your Disloyal Spouse (DS) has had an affair and told you they want to work on the marriage, then turned around and taken their affair deeper undercover--often the Loyal Spouse (LS) will say "I don't trust them! How do I rebuild trust?"

Actually it's not that you don't trust your DS. You do. You 100% trust them to lie. Your DS has proven, more than once, that they're willing to look you in the eye and lie so they can continue their affair, so you completely and fully trust the DS's ability to deceive you. Thus don't be fooled--it's not a trust issue. It is an HONESTY issue. 

To fix an HONESTY issue, the way to proceed is fairly easy. You tell your DS right up front that you don't have a trust issue--you have an issue with their HONESTY. In order to rebuild trust in their honesty, the DS would have to behave in an open, honest, transparent way. He/she would have to demonstrate to you that he/she is being honest--show you that their words (promises) and actions are matching. Makes sense, right? If the DS promises you that they'll end all contact, it is THEIR JOB to show you that they really have ended contact or give you the access so you can confirm it for yourself....

Here's the minimum that we usually recommend: 

*1) Write a No Contact Letter to the Other Person (OP). *The no contact letter is written by the DS to the OP and indicates that they can NEVER, EVER contact each other again in any way...including seeing each other. Here are some Sample No Contact Letters. If your DS works with the OP, he/she may need to quit their job or ask for a transfer, or may need to ask their employer for a shift that does not coincide with the OP. Most/many Disloyals balk at this or say "Are you crazy? I can't quit my job now!" but marriages can survive periods of unemployment or under-employment; they CAN NOT survive an active affair!! 

Once this letter is written by the Disloyal, they give it to their LS to mail. YOU mail it so you can see what was said and that it was not just another love letter--and you add a little note at the bottom that says that you love your spouse and do intend to fight for your marriage. It is also conceivable that you'd send a copy of this letter to the OP's spouse so they are informed of the affair and can protect themselves and their marriage on their end. 

*2) Transparency.* This usually means sharing passwords for email accounts, allowing access to cell phones, letting each other on accounts like Facebook or MySpace, and showing each other every bill (like the cell phone numbers called..). The LS also shares these things too, so that BOTH spouses are learning to be "see through" and let their spouse see the REAL YOU--not that image you've been showing. Be open and honest enough that you share access and also share your thoughts and feelings *with each other* (not with others). Your DS has already demonstrated willingness to hide, cover up and lie--so now in order to rebuild that your DS is going to have to demonstrate (via ACTIONS not words) that they are able to be open, transparent and honest. My suggestion would be to assume they are lying until your DS shows you through consist ACTIONS that they are able to be honest. 

*3) Commit to doing the work*. This part is actually where a lot of marriages fall apart. The DS will end contact and they might even act "honest" but when it comes to facing their own personal issues and actually doing the work--they won't admit it. Or when it comes to facing their part in harming the marriage and actually doing the work to learn how to do better--they would rather deflect, blame, or avoid than do the work. So the final part that I recommend having in place is some demonstrated willingness to actually commit to doing the personal work and marital work to repair this! And again, words don't cut it because they are empty promises--only ACTIONS will indicate willingness to really do the work

If you see all three of those things, chances are good there honestly is a change and you two can recover.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Thank You for this...


It's like I told my husband, "Talk is Cheap"....actions speak louder than words


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

yogachick said:


> Thank You for this...
> 
> 
> It's like I told my husband, "Talk is Cheap"....actions speak louder than words


You need another sticky for the spouse that doesn't do the actions but says the words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

I agree that the work is the hard part. That's where we have failed so far. She was transparent for a while, but couldn't face the real problems in counselling. She was only willing to admit to not being happy, and failing to tell me about it.


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

*Re: 3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust in the DS's Honesty*

So, what would be some examples of ACTIONS that would indicate a willingness to work on the real issues? Per another post in this thread, going to counseling isn't enough. So, what should the LS look for to have assurance that the marriage is strengthening (vs. another facade being constructed)?


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Osavo,

I can't think of a better way to do the hard work than counselling. In my case, I knew that we were not getting to the tough issues, and kept trying to get our sessions around to some harder questions. She spent a long time deflecting and denying. To her credit, she took blame for things, but also wanted to write them off as circumstance (annoyed that I wasn't as loving as I used to be, failed to speak up, ran into old boyfriend who said everything right).
I wasn't sure what else there was, but sure felt there was something. I was patient with the therapy, but we spent a year being very happy outside of session, and going to session to argue. Shame on me for letting the arguments there chill my willingness to confront the tough stuff.
Now we are getting to it: she was sexually assaulted twice as a young woman, she has periods of depression in which everything seems wrong and escaping is the only answer, she may be bipolar.
Unfortunately, just as we get here, she has taken up at least an EA with another man, and wants a divorce again. I'm not clear on whether this is a result of going to dark places (and wanting to avoid going there), or if it is happening again because it took us so long to get there.
Anyway, my answer to you is that the counselling can work, but the LS seems to me to be stuck in a tough position: you may have more than 50% of the load in sessions for a while. You may need to make sure that you get where you need to go, and it may need to be through urging the conversation past trivialities and easy answers. The DS will naturally want to find as quick of an "out" as you and the counsellor will let them.
This is just my opinion, informed (or tainted) by the fact that I'm smack in the middle of it...


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## osavo (Oct 17, 2010)

Thanks Sigh. We'll be entering a couple days of intense counseling next week. It was her idea, so I suppose that's a good sign.

Thanks for your insight.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm witness to these three items, and it has helped me heal. Granted my DS was in the the fog, but with her fog lights on, looking for me to give a dam. Back to point, the three things AC mention are so true, I'm here to tell anyone who will listen that it is possible and I was lucky enough to have DS that was on board. I believe if it was any other way, I would have left the marriage.

Counseling has help, but these three thing are not only the minimum, but in my opinion the basics to repairing the marriage. With out them, there is a long road in front of you. Again my sittuation was alittle different, my wife was waiting for me to come around, and was waiting for me to care, and had no problem with stopping her bad behavior, but for other, I think these three things can give you a becon (guidence) on which you can use to dealing with a DS.

Good luck to all


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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

*Re: 3 Things Needed to Rebuild Trust in the DS's Honesty*

This is a great article and great advice for couples struggling with infidelity. I get a lot of "disloyal spouses" that struggle with the transparency piece. Privacy is a right in marriage, but when you betray your spouse you lose that right. Once honesty has been shown over time and the couple has healed and trust restored, then you can earn your right to privacy as long as it doesn't extend into secrecy.
Dana Vince, Marriage Counseling Knoxville Tennessee Couples Counselor Family Counseling


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

FORGIVENESS.

its first and foremost in healing any infidelities btwn H/W's.

please add this to the list affaircare but, if it's there and i
didnt spot it....

....forgive me.


shalom.....


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

cb45 said:


> FORGIVENESS.
> 
> its first and foremost in healing any infidelities btwn H/W's.
> 
> ...


I think forgiveness can only come as a result of these things, amongst others, being done. Therefore I would not include it on the list as a pre-requisite to regaining trust


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