# Is there any hope.../...how to cope?



## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

It is clear to me now that my marrige is close to being over. Due to significantly different feelings regarding intimacy i have felt alone and unwanted for far too long. I still have a glimmer or hope that we will work it out, however i have lost all drive to fight for it and truely feel like just giving up.

Background:
Together for 1.5 years, then Married for past 14.5 years. First year of the realtionship was everything i wanted/needed at the time, we were inseprable, had a strong physical and emotional connection. 

Shortly before marrige my wife was injured on the job, nothing too major, but she had to leave her job as she was physically unable to do it anymore. Shortly after we purchaed a home and she was still in treatment at the time.

Due to the injury and treatment i did not see the lack of sex or intimacy as a red flag, but i did not like it - we went from sex daily, love notes, huggs, kissing, etc, to almost nothing - all became initiated by me.

It was a stressfull time for my wife and i resepected that. She worked hard to get another job (which had much better hours and benifts) and continued with physio and assorted treatments.

Then (10years ago) she had surgery to correct the underlying issue....and the surgeon messed up...bad. She is now permanatly disabled with a nerve disorder (CRPS)

Here we are, ten years later, and this past 6months have been extremely difficult for me to cope with the situation.

She has improved somewhat, however the nature of the disorder leaves her in chronic pain, unable to work, and her autonomic system is affected (heart rate, digestion, arousal, temperature, etc).

I work in the health care field (geratrics) and have researched ger condition. I have also taken her to every appointment (10-15 per year) and been with her for every fight against the Workplace Insurance Board - so i do empathise and understand her condition.

We had a big talk the other day (repeat of a talk 2yrs prior) about lack of intimacy. Including sex, but also all forms like huggs, positive reinforcement etc. She agreed (somewhat) that our sex life is not normal (less than 6x per year), yet says there is nothing she can do about it. She admited she has no sexual feelings for me (or anyone else, ever), she does not want scheduled sex, she will never talk to a therapist, and that us talking about it only makes her feel pressured.

Not sure i can continue on anymore, but due to the situation feel i need to be here to support her at least until next summer (when we estimate her disablity pension will be settled) as she has no means to support herself. And i still care very deeply for her.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I hear you! My hubby became disabled 15 years ago, and he is so much pain now. He does have good days, which we try to have sex, but sometimes even on good days he has to stop, no matter what the position. 

Maybe you can please each other in other ways. I can't give a BJ worth crap, but he is good at oral (which I feel bad I cannot reciprocate to completion.) We are both also on libido altering drugs, which we HAVE to take, as we tried so many different meds. Sex toys work for us sometimes, and mutual masturbation works too, and he has much less pain that way. I hope you can find a way to be intimate with your wife. Good luck!


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

> We had a big talk the other day (repeat of a talk 2yrs prior) about lack of intimacy. Including sex, but also all forms like huggs, positive reinforcement etc. She agreed (somewhat) that our sex life is not normal (less than 6x per year), yet says there is nothing she can do about it. She admited she has no sexual feelings for me (or anyone else, ever), she does not want scheduled sex, she will never talk to a therapist, and that us talking about it only makes her feel pressured.


Your sex life is not normal because your life is not normal, whatever normal might be. Your wife is disabled and in pain it sounds like most of the time which is really not very conductive to having sex. So I guess you need to decide whether the wedding vows of in sickness or in health mean anything to you. If the tables were turned and you were in pain and not interested in sex would she make a big deal about lack of sex? Would she consider leaving you if the tables were turned? I would be thinking about what I would expect from my significant other in the same situation and carry on from there.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

What she is doing is unacceptable. She is unwilling to try libido enhancing drugs or therapy just make you deal with no sex, because it's easier for her. What about the burdens you have had to endure to provide for her? Women don't get that providing sex is part of marriage and if you don't do it, you shouldn't be married.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> What she is doing is unacceptable. She is unwilling to try libido enhancing drugs or therapy just make you deal with no sex, because it's easier for her. What about the burdens you have had to endure to provide for her? Women don't get that providing sex is part of marriage and if you don't do it, you shouldn't be married.


You must have glanced over the part of disability.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> You must have glanced over the part of disability.


Nope I got that part to. To me it's doesn't matter.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

As one has stated, the vows do state, "in sickness or health." Your W has what looks to be a well documented injury with subsequent poor repair from a doctor. In short, your W is not faking it. So, place yourself in your W shoes. Think how you would cope with this injury. Is this wanting to leave supporting her in sickness and in health? You are already creating a exit strategy!!! Do you always work on a exit strategy when the going gets tough?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Nope I got that part to. To me it's doesn't matter.


Good luck to you.


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> As one has stated, the vows do state, "in sickness or health." Your W has what looks to be a well documented injury with subsequent poor repair from a doctor. In short, your W is not faking it. So, place yourself in your W shoes. Think how you would cope with this injury. Is this wanting to leave supporting her in sickness and in health? You are already creating a exit strategy!!! Do you always work on a exit strategy when the going gets tough?


The going got tough 10 years ago.
I do not have an exit strategy, and leaving her is not something i will do easily. I will continue to support her in any way that i can.

I would like to think that the way i would cope with an injury and lide changing situation would be by keeping my loved ones close and leaning on them when I needed. Instead my wife wants to be alone yet does not want me away either.


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

Sure said:


> Your sex life is not normal because your life is not normal, whatever normal might be. Your wife is disabled and in pain it sounds like most of the time which is really not very conductive to having sex. So I guess you need to decide whether the wedding vows of in sickness or in health mean anything to you. If the tables were turned and you were in pain and not interested in sex would she make a big deal about lack of sex? Would she consider leaving you if the tables were turned? I would be thinking about what I would expect from my significant other in the same situation and carry on from there.


All affection is gone.

She openly admitted that to her, sex has no benefit in our relationship.
We have talked about how to make sex less painful for her, and we can. She just does not feel aroused, ever, even though she enjoys having sex with me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Huh??

Makes no sense.

She "cannot get aroused" even though she "enjoys having sex with you"...???

Need more info, please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Huh??
> 
> Makes no sense.
> 
> ...


She has no desire to have sex, and nothing ever gets her aroused (or horny, or turned on) to the point that she wants to have sex.l
If we do have sex she does enjoy it and have an orgasm.

So if she (as she puts it) lets me have sex with her she will eventually start to enjoy it, she just has had no desire to initiate sex, and never is aroused by me, or the thought of having sex.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

DrRock said:


> She has no desire to have sex, and nothing ever gets her aroused (or horny, or turned on) to the point that she wants to have sex.l
> If we do have sex she does enjoy it and have an orgasm.
> 
> So if she (as she puts it) lets me have sex with her she will eventually start to enjoy it, she just has had no desire to initiate sex, and never is aroused by me, or the thought of having sex.


You two are in a unique position with her pain and lack of desire. I would ask if you have joy in your life in any aspect? Do either one of you find joy in everyday life? Have either of you gone to counseling? It sounds like you as a couple have been through quite a lot of change and adjusting since you have been together. In your case if you leave there will be guilt and perhaps shaming in the community for leaving a disabled wife, which is why I would recommend counseling before taking that action. 

You need an outlet for your feelings with someone who might have suggestions to help the two of you either stay together or live apart. Can you discuss marriage counseling with your wife. I guess that would be an ultimatum go to marriage counseling or you go to counseling alone with the end point being a better life for both of you either together or apart.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Nope I got that part to. To me it's doesn't matter.


Yes, it does matter, it's not just a choice on her part. My husband has a back issue and because of that we don't have sex often but we are still affectionate. While sex may be difficult for her she can still hug, kiss, cuddle and give you reinforcement that you are missing. She needs to more effort into the marriage. It's sad that you would leave your wife over this. Did you forget the vows you took "In sickness and in health". My husband has had other health problems but I would never leave him over that even is we could never have sex again.


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

Sure said:


> You two are in a unique position with her pain and lack of desire. I would ask if you have joy in your life in any aspect? Do either one of you find joy in everyday life? Have either of you gone to counseling? It sounds like you as a couple have been through quite a lot of change and adjusting since you have been together. In your case if you leave there will be guilt and perhaps shaming in the community for leaving a disabled wife, which is why I would recommend counseling before taking that action.
> 
> You need an outlet for your feelings with someone who might have suggestions to help the two of you either stay together or live apart. Can you discuss marriage counseling with your wife. I guess that would be an ultimatum go to marriage counseling or you go to counseling alone with the end point being a better life for both of you either together or apart.


I always look for the good in life and make a point of trying to keep seeing the positive. Part of why i am at my end with this is that i can no longer be happy and positive when the love of my life, the person whom I want to be happy more than anyone else, is constantly mad, frustrated and upset. I have a difficult job where i have to deal with people (and their family) who are sick, dying. Most of them direct their anger and frustrations at me as i am the one who has to tell them what they will longer able to do. I feel like my job takes all my energy and compassion, then my home life requires even more from me.

I want to make my wife happy, make her smile and somehow to see the positive in our life. Yet I am running out of energy and drive to keep this up for much longer. When is it time to have some compassion and energy redirected at me? Is it too much to ask that the closest person to me, my best friend, show me some affection once in a while? I am tired of giving all i have and still feeling alone and unwanted.

I am considering counselling for myself, my wife flat out refuses for her (despite her pain specialist recomending it) and was "insulted" that i suggested we should attend couples counselling. She sees no benifit to talking about it, which makes it even harder for me to bring my problems to her.

As i am burnt out in both work and life i must make changes. I am trying to improve my home life, and that is why i came here.
As for work, i will be resigning this summer and going back to get a new degree and will be changing careers in 3 years.

I Am hopefull the new challenges ahead of me will help me better cope with my unique home situation and re-invigorate my drive.


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Did you forget the vows you took "In sickness and in health". My husband has had other health problems but I would never leave him over that even is we could never have sex again.


Not sure if this was directed at me, or the poster in your quote.

I want to make it clear, i am not considering leaving my wife beacuse of her health problems. I would not still be here 10years later. I am considering leaving her as we have different views on what is required to make a marriage work. I do not want to leave her. Her health problems are not going to improve, what could improve is her outlook on life and her feelings about our marriage.

If your husband stopped all forms of intimacy, told you that he never has any feelings of affection for you, and is constantly upset with you, would you stay?


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

DrRock said:


> I always look for the good in life and make a point of trying to keep seeing the positive. Part of why i am at my end with this is that i can no longer be happy and positive when the love of my life, the person whom I want to be happy more than anyone else, is constantly mad, frustrated and upset. I have a difficult job where i have to deal with people (and their family) who are sick, dying. Most of them direct their anger and frustrations at me as i am the one who has to tell them what they will longer able to do. I feel like my job takes all my energy and compassion, then my home life requires even more from me.
> 
> I want to make my wife happy, make her smile and somehow to see the positive in our life. Yet I am running out of energy and drive to keep this up for much longer. When is it time to have some compassion and energy redirected at me? Is it too much to ask that the closest person to me, my best friend, show me some affection once in a while? I am tired of giving all i have and still feeling alone and unwanted.
> 
> ...


You cannot make someone else happy. Your wife has to decide to find her own happiness. She probably won't be able to be a full participant in the marriage until she figures out how to manage the frustration and probably disappointment in how her life has turned out. You need to insist on marriage counseling and individual counseling for you both. Have you told her you are at the end of your rope? Does she realize how far down the rabbit hole the two of you have fallen? 

I don't want to beat up on a disabled person but she needs to own her part in the marriage. She doesn't need to be forever thankful for you staying but she needs to do her part in living her life and being engaged in your marriage. You need to explain what this is doing to you both. If she doesn't want to do anything to join you in fighting for the marriage there isn't much you can do.

You need to go to counseling and get some help for all the stress in your life.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you tried to persuade her to go to couple's counseling?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

DrRock said:


> Due to the injury and treatment i did not see the lack of sex or intimacy as a red flag, but i did not like it - we went from sex daily love notes, huggs, kissing, etc, to almost nothing - all became initiated by me.


I'm really sorry. 

Has your wife been treated for depression?

I understand the lack of sex if she is in pain, but it sounds like she is very depressed and is not trying at all as a wife. I feel for you both.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Sure said:


> Your sex life is not normal because your life is not normal, whatever normal might be. Your wife is disabled and in pain it sounds like most of the time which is really not very conductive to having sex. So I guess you need to decide whether the wedding vows of in sickness or in health mean anything to you. If the tables were turned and you were in pain and not interested in sex would she make a big deal about lack of sex? Would she consider leaving you if the tables were turned? I would be thinking about what I would expect from my significant other in the same situation and carry on from there.


I would agree with this except it sounds like she is not trying at all. She also took vows that it sounds like she is not keeping. It sounds like it's not just the sex, she gives him no affection, admiration, romance, etc. And even with sex, if pain prevents intercourse, there are many things a couple can do together to be sexually intimate that are not so physically demanding.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Nope I got that part to. To me it's doesn't matter.


That is hard. Have you ever been in pain? Imagine toothache... constant without relive... Neurological traumas is not a cut on a finger, it does thing to the nervous system that includes chronic pain. I do feel bad for OP, unfortunately this is life. It takes a very strong person to deal with it. She is his cross, he must decide what to do with it. It is his moral decision, we cannot judge him on his decision.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> As one has stated, the vows do state, "in sickness or health." Your W has what looks to be a well documented injury with subsequent poor repair from a doctor. In short, your W is not faking it. So, place yourself in your W shoes. Think how you would cope with this injury. Is this wanting to leave supporting her in sickness and in health? You are already creating a exit strategy!!! Do you always work on a exit strategy when the going gets tough?


That vow is not a get out of jail free card that allows her to put no effort into the relationship while still benefiting from it. She needs to try to meet her husbands needs. She may not succeed but right now she's refusing to try.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I understand what you mean when you say your wife feels no desire to have sex, yet enjoys it when it does happen.

She obviously has a low sex drive. Whether this was brought on by her injuries or not doesn't really change anything. Couples can still work around this, but the LD person has to choose to place their partners need for sex as a priority in their life. They will do this if they want a *mutually* satisfying relationship. If the only needs they care about are their own, sex will never become a priority, and will simply never happen.

So what you are asking is, how do I make my wife care enough about what *I* need in this relationship to make more effort? How do you make your wife care? No one can make her care. You can't make her care, she has to choose to care. What you have to do is decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who cares about your needs as well as their own, or can you resign yourself to being her carer/friend for the rest of your life, and that's pretty much it.

Whether she is disabled or not, the thing is, if she doesn't *want* to make an effort because she doesn't see any benefit, then she is saying she doesn't see any benefit in you being happy in your marriage. That's a huge thing to say to your spouse.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> What she is doing is unacceptable. She is unwilling to try libido enhancing drugs or therapy just make you deal with no sex, because it's easier for her. What about the burdens you have had to endure to provide for her? *Women don't get that providing sex is part of marriage and if you don't do it, you shouldn't be married*.


Some women don't get that just the same as some men don't. This is not a gender specific issue.


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## DrRock (Jul 9, 2015)

breeze said:


> I understand what you mean when you say your wife feels no desire to have sex, yet enjoys it when it does happen.
> 
> She obviously has a low sex drive. Whether this was brought on by her injuries or not doesn't really change anything. Couples can still work around this, but the LD person has to choose to place their partners need for sex as a priority in their life. They will do this if they want a *mutually* satisfying relationship. If the only needs they care about are their own, sex will never become a priority, and will simply never happen.
> 
> ...


Thats the impasse i face.

She has no drive.
She does not see sex as important.
Therfore she has no desire to work on the issue.

This means i must either stop wanting to have sex with a person who i am very attracted to,
Or leave a person who i care for deeply.

It is tearing me apart, and i have no one to talk to about this.


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