# Reconcilliation ? but with a new partner?



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Did'nt want to add to yet more levels, scenarios in the reoncililiation thread and this is question for those who have already tried with ex partner wife etc but failed 

So you've been through the marriage - 
he/she cheated 
you kinda gave them that one as a 'mistake' many of us do accepting that one can make a 'mistake' 
reconciliation went kind of okay than 
bang another infidelity / adultery (maybe two three four times more)
you tried reconciliation and this time the heart was not in it for obvious reasons and you split separated divorced

Sad but not an uncommon script according to the thousands of posts threads I've seen on here in the last few years 

Now you meet a new love, a new person and apart from the obvious trust issues that linger from before you believe this will be nothing like before - a clean slate, a fresh start in life and love, after all you cannot blacken everything with the ex wife husband from before, it's not fair on your new partner 

Now sadly lets say they cheat on you - appalling I know (and may say something about my lack of optimism!!)

Do you run straight for the hills or do they too deserve the '3 strikes and you're out' or do you throw them straight into the bin.

Came from a discussion with a friend recently and no I do not right now have this particular quandary on my plate but it did strike me as a difficult one as my nature is to be trusting and also understanding that people of course are not perfect do make mistakes 

After my experience with two adulterous women my instinct would say 'begone and over with' straight away but I'm not sure...


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Simply depends on your moral code. Mine could never take back a cheater.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> Simply depends on your moral code. Mine could never take back a cheater.


That's fair enough but I envy your ability to be that detached as for many of us there is the grey area that just wants to give it another chance of course only to find out it's been wasted

I wish I could have had that mentality in my previous relationships 
- would have saved myself an abyss of pain and mental anguish


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I've been through enough. I won't go through it again. That's why I'm divorcing my husband after discovering he's a serial cheater. It's just enough and I'm calling it a day.

I have come to think that I was allotted a finite amount of tolerance to be used over my lifetime with romantic partners. Sadly, my husband has used most of it up. There's very little in the way of even minor betrayal or boundary-crossing that I would be willing to tolerate, work on, forgive, or grant second chances over anymore. I'm not particularly bitter, I'm not cold or heartless, but I'm also no longer capable of the sort of generosity that allowed my husband three chances at R.

If I ever enter into another serious, long-term relationship, it will be with someone who knows upfront that I do not do second chances. Any infidelity, anything that even carries a strong _whiff_ of infidelity, will be an immediate deal-breaker for me. I would never again attempt to reconcile with a cheating partner.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Did'nt want to add to yet more levels, scenarios in the reoncililiation thread and this is question for those who have already tried with ex partner wife etc but failed
> 
> So you've been through the marriage -
> he/she cheated
> ...


When I started dating again after my divorce. I had open discussions about my past, my divorce and the relationship with my exwife. As the relationships progressed, I'd explain that if I had any trust issues early, to bear with me, call me out on it and I will recognize it's a me issue, but at the same time cheating is an instant deal breaker for me.

That communication was great. 1. I was only called out on being jealous once, but it was an actual valid issue and the woman I was with recognized her behavior and it helped build stronger boundaries. 2. I was never cheated on again. 

There was one woman who bolted when I laid out my situation. And as it turns out, through a mutual friend, she was a serial cheater and could see I wouldn't be "easy to control". The woman liked to party and was the classic, GNO, what happens in vegas, stays in vegas, type mentality.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I've been through enough. I won't go through it again. That's why I'm divorcing my husband after discovering he's a serial cheater. It's just enough and I'm calling it a day.
> 
> I have come to think that I was allotted a finite amount of tolerance to be used over my lifetime with romantic partners. Sadly, my husband has used most of it up. There's very little in the way of even minor betrayal or boundary-crossing that I would be willing to tolerate, work on, forgive, or grant second chances over anymore. I'm not particularly bitter, I'm not cold or heartless, but I'm also no longer capable of the sort of generosity that allowed my husband three chances at R.
> 
> If I ever enter into another serious, long-term relationship, it will be with someone who knows upfront that I do not do second chances. Any infidelity, anything that even carries a strong _whiff_ of infidelity, will be an immediate deal-breaker for me. I would never again attempt to reconcile with a cheating partner.


Yes know how you feel and agree but the trouble is the old heart just tears into you does'nt it.

This has already happened to me twice and I like you said this won't happen again. 

It did - even worse 

I feel like you but then I did after the first time !

I hope I'm strong enough to say the same now. I'd like to think so, but love...... well it has a habit of turning all logic completely on it's arse doesn't it


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Yes know how you feel and agree but the trouble is the old heart just tears into you does'nt it.
> 
> This has already happened to me twice and I like you said this won't happen again.
> 
> ...


I'm not saying I will never be cheated on again. I'm saying that, for me, infidelity has become a hard and fast deal breaker. I've just decided that, to me, R after infidelity is not worth the pain and heartache. I can love my partner, even forgive them, but that doesn't mean that I have to continue in a relationship with someone who has cheated on me. 

I support anyone who wants to try R with a partner who has been unfaithful but is truly remorseful and sincerely wants another chance. I'm just personally not willing to do that anymore.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I, too, have been through h3ll with my serial cheater stbxh. I have no room in my life for future selfish [email protected] Hide stuff, lie, gaslight me or make an excuse that can't be verified and he is gone. There are no second chances. If they want a life as a single person, then they need to stay out of a committed relationship. I won't be anyone's convenience, maid, or mommy.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would RUN for the hills and fast.


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