# Walk Away Wife, 3 kids



## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

I could really use some help! I have been reading some about walk away wife syndrome, which my wife seems to fit I ordered the divorce busting book. 12yr marriage with 3 young kids.

My wife is leaving me and the most common reason I get “cannot live with the pressure she is not the wife I need/deserve” and “she is not in love me”. She is not blaming me. She is unwilling to work on things, does not want to give me “false hope”. She barely talks and has hired an attorney. I trying to save as much time as possible.

I’m fit, in shape… she is still pretty but aging quite a bit. I’m still very attracted to her and always let her know. I’m 34 and she is 38 now. Back when we got married she was the “hot” one and I was out of shape but in good shape financially, etc I probably look better today than when I was 22.

She has been “unloving” for some time, I would get sex every week or two, but not much else emotionally…. She encouraged me to get a mistress. Sex seemed more like a chore to her.

Apparently she was not serious about the mistress, I was caught with a very nice looking 22yr old by one of my wife’s friends (dancing, kissing at a club). This pushed kind of pushed the situation over the edge.

I was a pretty good husband but missed the signs. Stuff like her hating to do clean house. I did not feel much responsibly b/c I did all of outside work and service work on cars. I should have just hired a housekeeper, etc. I see it know that it is too late.

We had an emotional discussion about this and agreed to fix things, 2 days later she said she wanted a divorce and has not changed her mind since. Our 3-8yr kids are devastated by this. She is a great mother to them. We are both very active with kids, when she takes the kids to her parents for overnights (3 times in the last 4 weeks) the kids are upset. A divorce will likely wreak our finances, the stuff kids will have, their ability to go to college, etc… she doesn’t seem too concerned.

She jumps around on how she has felt about me… most of the times she says I was a good husband and father and it is just her falling out of love. In the past she has felt I have not done enough with the kids... I was probably still better than 75% of men back then. She has told me she was not sure if she ever wanted to get married but thought she was supposed to do the get married and have kids thing. Other times she said she is resentful I spend so much time with kids now and am so active with them, that she constantly “needed a break” before and I never took them on my own. In my defense, I didn’t but it was hard for me to handle a baby and two young kids by myself.

I think she tried a little more to be a better wife a month or so ago and I did not recipiate as much as I should have. She had mentioned living apart and separation before then. At that time we were having problems and I actually tried changing myself, doing a 180. The 180 move seemed to backfire. I started working out hard (I’ve lost 15 lbs), mostly from weightlifting, I dress much better, I starting taking my own time to go out with friends and encouraged her to the same. It just made her suspicious I was doing it for other girls (which was partially true). Things seemed to get worse and worse I did this. Then I met the girl while I was out with friends and the whole thing went over the edge. I’m really confused… the acting indifferent and 180 changes seemed to have killed my relationship. No idea what I should do. If we do separation agreement or court divorce things are going to get very painful and I’m sure I will be bitter about her wrecking our finances and my kids’ lives, if we get to that point I will probably never have anything to do with her again. But today, I love her and want my family to stay together so much. I may have a matter of a week or two, to a couple months to fix things. Also she said she would stay as roommates if we had no sexual relationship.

Thanks, Chris


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

To reconcile both partners have to be in it 100%. She isn't. The fact she said she'll only stay as roomates and would have no sexual/emotional relationship with you should be a deal breaker, that is unless you're willing to live in an open relationship.

Have you investigated if there's perhaps another man in this picture? because her excuses are pretty lame.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Complexity said:


> To reconcile both partners have to be in it 100%. She isn't. The fact she said she'll only stay as roomates and would have no sexual/emotional relationship with you should be a deal breaker, that is unless you're willing to live in an open relationship.
> 
> Have you investigated if there's perhaps another man in this picture? because her excuses are pretty lame.


Yes, have done a recon although I trusted her before then. It wouldn't surprise me if went years before even dating. She is not very sexual. Reasons do not make since to me either and she doesn't talk much. Its more difficult b/c I am probably the "better catch" as far as looks/health, financial, and she already has kids with me. Leaving is going a huge financial mess also. I think I pushed her emotionally trying to make things better, and she really does feel bad she does not love me the same way. I'm trying to get over the hump of trying to get her to stay and talk.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Yes, have done a recon although I trusted her before then. It wouldn't surprise me if went years before even dating. She is not very sexual. Reasons do not make since to me either and she doesn't talk much. Its more difficult b/c I am probably the "better catch" as far as looks/health, financial, and she already has kids with me. Leaving is going a huge financial mess also. I think I pushed her emotionally trying to make things better, and she really does feel bad she does not love me the same way. I'm trying to get over the hump of trying to get her to stay and talk.


Garbage. Not sexual? Yeah. Just not with you. Don't try to "get her to stay and talk". Don't try to control her. However, she has an attorney????? Did she pay for said attorney with family finances? 

If she really "felt bad she does not love you", she wouldn't have hired an attorney. Stop comparing yourself to her. Some people just don't get it until they have that Mack truck which is running down the interstate straight at them splatter them on the pavement. Do not protect her from this. If she wants that, give it to her. She has to take ownership of her part of the relationship. If she isn't willing, she has a pretty bleak future because this will rear its ugly head again.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

cdavis said:


> Yes, have done a recon although I trusted her before then. It wouldn't surprise me if went years before even dating. She is not very sexual. Reasons do not make since to me either and she doesn't talk much. Its more difficult b/c I am probably the "better catch" as far as looks/health, financial, and she already has kids with me. Leaving is going a huge financial mess also. I think I pushed her emotionally trying to make things better, and she really does feel bad she does not love me the same way. I'm trying to get over the hump of trying to get her to stay and talk.


She has alot more to lose than you, I understand you're looking out for your kids but raising them in an empty shell marriage isn't wise either, kids can pick up on these things. I suggest you stick to the 180 and go about your life. You will get hit financially with the divorce but then again you're only in your mid 30s and have plenty of assets to start a new life with.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was her childhood like?

Please be specific.

Any history of abuse?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

It seems to me like you glossed over a few things here -

You did a 180 and started dressing up, going out with friends, and this was supposed to show her you wanted go work on the marriage how?

You danced with and kissed a much younger girl, caught by her friend - yet you are committed to the marriage?

You admittedly didn't help with housework or raising the children when they were younger because handling a baby and two young kids is too hard? How do you think she felt? Kids are not self raising creatures. Sounds like you made a selfish decision that left her holding the bag on her own with no other choice. Yet, you glossed over this detail as if that could not possibly be a portion of the reason why she wasn't interested in sex ? She must have another man?

Please read your post again. I see a lot of places where you made your own bed...and now that you have to lie in it you can't piece together why?

P.S. - repeatedly touting yourself as the better looking, more desirable half of your marriage isn't going to get you anywhere either. I sincerely hope you have never said those things to her. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

kag123 said:


> It seems to me like you glossed over a few things here -
> 
> You did a 180 and started dressing up, going out with friends, and this was supposed to show her you wanted go work on the marriage how?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

A 100 times :iagree:


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Let her go. She's gone like all the rest of them. This is a ****ing epedemic.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> However, she has an attorney????? Did she pay for said attorney with family finances?


Her father paid for attorney. We have 3 very good divorce attorneys in town, I consulted with all of them to lock them down. She has one of the cheapest ones in town. Her father runs a cash business and hides funds from his wife (talks about it when drunk). So him pushing her to not get screwed has not helped. I'm going to come out good because my assets are protected in a family trust, I probably have a stronger claim to custody also. 



Dedicated2Her said:


> If she isn't willing, she has a pretty bleak future because this will rear its ugly head again.


I really do love her, and do want to protect her. I could let her go and probably could win her back.... and be in better shape because of it after a prenuptial.... but I don't its forgivable for me.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What was her childhood like?
> 
> Please be specific.
> 
> Any history of abuse?


No abuse.

Her best friend was a guy that turned Gay... they are still best friends. He does well and will help her financially. He has no interest in women sexually and lives on other side of country.

She broke up with a guy in high school and he shot himself but survived. Did not seem to bother her.

She had one other major boyfriend that she was in love with. He moved to California. I'm sure he is not in picture. I've been spying for a while, just to find out what she thinks of me.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> but I don't its forgivable for me.


Help me understand this. You can go out and kiss other people, but her actions are not forgivable? C'mon. I understand she is acting crazy, but do not go there yourself. If you have any hope of fixing this, you have got to start approaching things much differently. Everyday, no matter what, you develop yourself. Be a good dad. Be a good husband (however that has to be right now). Read and develop yourself in those areas. USE THIS TIME. If she changes and stops everything, fine. If she doesn't, then you have become a much better guy in very difficult circumstances. You will be ready to tackle your new life whether it is with her or without her!

Forgiveness is something you have to do in order for you to be a whole person. You are going to only hurt yourself by not forgiving. 

BE A GOOD MAN. Geez.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

kag123 said:


> It seems to me like you glossed over a few things here -
> 
> You did a 180 and started dressing up, going out with friends, and this was supposed to show her you wanted go work on the marriage how?


We where having problems, she wanted space. Doing 180s is often a recommended change to get a spouse interested in you again. I tried to improve myself. I probably was not a good idea but I can not take it back. She is very thin and I thought it would help for me to loose weight. Weight is a big issue for her in others, although she herself has problem keeping on weight (she is like 105ish)



> You danced with and kissed a much younger girl, caught by her friend - yet you are committed to the marriage?


I f'ed this up. I went out and found out a lot of attractive girls were interested in me and gave me attention and wanted me. It was hard to resist. She had told me at least 50 times in the past to get a mistress, and even gave me rules for doing it. In retrospect she did not mean it. She is saying she that is not the reason for the split. I wish I could have this back but I can't. I came partially clean on it before her friend told her.



> You admittedly didn't help with housework or raising the children when they were younger because handling a baby and two young kids is too hard? How do you think she felt? Kids are not self raising creatures. Sounds like you made a selfish decision that left her holding the bag on her own with no other choice. Yet, you glossed over this detail as if that could not possibly be a portion of the reason why she wasn't interested in sex ?


I should have done more. I was a pretty active father. Above average I think. She did most of house work and did yard work. I could have done more and wish I had. I had a demanding job and business. The 3rd kid was too much for me (she took out a IUD to "trick" me into conceiving him). I suggested she get an abortion and almost left her over it. Its the one thing she has never forgiven me for.



> She must have another man?


I didn't say that, if anything I think she may not be interested in men in general. I think she would rather "please" herself.

Please read your post again. I see a lot of places where you made your own bed...and now that you have to lie in it you can't piece together why?



> P.S. - repeatedly touting yourself as the better looking, more desirable half of your marriage isn't going to get you anywhere either. I sincerely hope you have never said those things to her.


No of course not! Its probably more of a guy thing... but in me she has a younger attractive guy that loves her, wants to work on things, has a family with. It just seems so odd she would walk away without trying. 

Thanks for your help!


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Help me understand this. You can go out and kiss other people, but her actions are not forgivable? C'mon. I understand she is acting crazy, but do not go there yourself. If you have any hope of fixing this, you have got to start approaching things much differently. Everyday, no matter what, you develop yourself. Be a good dad. Be a good husband (however that has to be right now). Read and develop yourself in those areas. USE THIS TIME. If she changes and stops everything, fine. If she doesn't, then you have become a much better guy in very difficult circumstances. You will be ready to tackle your new life whether it is with her or without her!
> 
> Forgiveness is something you have to do in order for you to be a whole person. You are going to only hurt yourself by not forgiving.
> 
> BE A GOOD MAN. Geez.


I should clarify. I wish I could take my extra activities back. She told me 50+ times to get a mistress, she was OK with it, gave me a set a rules to follow (that included not telling her about it). When I called her out on it, telling her see didn't mean it she would insist that she did. In our discussion after this happened, she told me she did not think I would do it, especially after she had been trying harder and had sex me with almost every week for the last couple weeks. I had trying to make things better before this, asked that we go to counseling, I got in a grove and should have tried to address this sooner.

Me and the kids are devastated by this. If she goes through with it, the whole formal process... separating the kids... fighting over everything... leaving us both in a financial mess.... forcing us to use the money set aside for the kids college on attorneys... all while not giving us a chance to address problems and work on our marriage I could see me not be willing to forgive her. I love her now, I just know this is coming.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

Not a lot has happend. I thought things were looking up... had a nice couple days. Had a short talk and but wife does not want to try because it might give me "false hope". She said she had been trying for "a couple months"... which I haven't knoticed, she has seemed completely closed down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cdavis said:


> Yes, have done a recon although I trusted her before then. It wouldn't surprise me if went years before even dating. She is not very sexual. Reasons do not make since to me either and she doesn't talk much. Its more difficult b/c I am probably the "better catch" as far as looks/health, financial, and she already has kids with me. Leaving is going a huge financial mess also. I think I pushed her emotionally trying to make things better, and she really does feel bad she does not love me the same way. I'm trying to get over the hump of trying to get her to stay and talk.


I suppose that it did not help that your 180, supposidly to save the marriage, included you going out looking for other women and even make out with another woman. How exactly does this get glosses over and over-looked by people reading here?

To fix your marriage one does not work on more time spent apart and surfing for other women/men. Instead the work should have been to spend more time together to doing things that make the both of you feel better about your marriage, your selves and each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cdavis said:


> Her father paid for attorney. We have 3 very good divorce attorneys in town, I consulted with all of them to lock them down. She has one of the cheapest ones in town. Her father runs a cash business and hides funds from his wife (talks about it when drunk). So him pushing her to not get screwed has not helped. I'm going to come out good because my assets are protected in a family trust, I probably have a stronger claim to custody also.
> 
> 
> 
> I really do love her, and do want to protect her. I could let her go and probably could win her back.... and be in better shape because of it after a prenuptial.... but I don't its forgivable for me.


How do you have a stronger claim on custody?

Your wife has the same right to legal representation as you do. 

Your children will benefit the most from a 50/50 custody arrangement. This is what most courts prefer and what you will most likely end up with no matter how much $$ you throw at attorneys.

Fighting during divorce does a few things… 1) it makes attorneys richer and you poorer. 2) It hurts your children very badly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Garbage. Not sexual? Yeah. Just not with you. Don't try to "get her to stay and talk". Don't try to control her. However, she has an attorney????? Did she pay for said attorney with family finances?


She has every right to pay for an attonrey with family finances. He has the same right. Since her father loaned her the money, she will probably as the court to have the costs paid from community assets/income.




Dedicated2Her said:


> If she really "felt bad she does not love you", she wouldn't have hired an attorney.


Not true. She does not want to be married to him. It does not mean that does not feel badly about it. I got divorced last week.. I was the petitioner. It's been making me feel sick to my stomach. But I had to do it. Did not feel like I had any other choice. And yes on some levels I still love my ex. But I am not in love with him… for very good reasons. He killed all that quite some time ago.



Dedicated2Her said:


> Stop comparing yourself to her. Some people just don't get it until they have that Mack truck which is running down the interstate straight at them splatter them on the pavement. Do not protect her from this.
> 
> If she wants that, give it to her. She has to take ownership of her part of the relationship. If she isn't willing, she has a pretty bleak future because this will rear its ugly head again.


Why would she have a pretty bleak future? She might end up with a much better future. There are some very concerning things in the OP’s post.. such as him cheating on her. He does not get a pass on that. It’s probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cdavis, 

What 180 did you do? Why did you think that each of you doing things on your own would make the two of you feel more emotionally attached to each other? Makes no sense.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> She has every right to pay for an attonrey with family finances. He has the same right. Since her father loaned her the money, she will probably as the court to have the costs paid from community assets/income.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


They are both broken people. Regardless of who did what it can be taken that his wife refuses to face reality and work to fix the relationship. If she doesn't come around, she is doomed to repeat it. They are both slaves to their emotions and it shows. He, on the other hand, does actually recognize that this might take some effort and commitment. Of course, he shows not humility with his past actions and puts the blame on her. Fact is, they are both doomed to repeat this moving forward if they continue to lack an identity. But, yeah, take up for the wayward spouse that is going to try and screw her husband through a lawyer. It is garbage and selfishness at its core.

And by the way, no one can "kill" love inside of you. That love is perfected inside of you through your actions. When u choose not to act, no love can be perfected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

* She had told me at least 50 times in the past to get a mistress, and even gave me rules for doing it.*

I am only going to say this once. Who is the guy??

Prime suspect:male friend turned gay!
Could happen.But not very likely


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How do you have a stronger claim on custody?
> 
> Your wife has the same right to legal representation as you do.
> 
> ...


Courts (or ours at least) usually don't do 50/50 custody they pick a primary. 50/50 arrangements are usually a agreement between the parents. As far as why (the lawyers I have spoken with) think I have a stronger case is I do a equal amount of the "parenting" things: ~75% of taking and picking up kids from school, ~60-70% of doctors visits and sick time, ~50% of bedtime routine, ~75% of cooking, ~50% of homework.... wife is more involved in church, school meetings, and bathing. It kind of equals out. The "other stuff" may help me, in addition they kids have grown up in my (pre-marital) house, their best friends are here.... and the wife is diagnosed with depression and sleep disorder, all documented along with mood swings. Side effects of medicine would probably be issue, that she went to multiple doctors to get different stuff, that some of prescriptions are for family members. 

I would rather settle and not fight... but if she doen't agree to 50/50 I would have to go to court and see primary.... and hope for primary or 50/50 as a result. I was told me way fit the bill for 50/50 although its rare.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She has every right to pay for an attonrey with family finances. He has the same right. Since her father loaned her the money, she will probably as the court to have the costs paid from community assets/income.


In our state an attorney is a not a valid use of community assets. You can pull money from community assets (via selling or loans) and it not considered a negative but it comes out of solely your half in ED (if there is equity or money) or is your responsibility only after the split. 

I'm not trying to make a argument on this, I wish that was not the case, the lawyer I will hire (locked in with a consultation but have not hired yet) charges twice the hourly rate as hers does, her father put the money down, it could certainly be argued it was a gift and not a loan. I'm trying to avoid everything all together and just work on our marriage.




EleGirl said:


> Not true. She does not want to be married to him. It does not mean that does not feel badly about it. I got divorced last week.. I was the petitioner. It's been making me feel sick to my stomach. But I had to do it. Did not feel like I had any other choice. And yes on some levels I still love my ex. But I am not in love with him… for very good reasons. He killed all that quite some time ago.


Is there anything he could have done? I'm pretty much in that spot. I've accepted responsibly for everything I've done wrong. I guess I don't see why can't try, when we have 3 kids together and she has a willing partner.

Your right and she has elaborated more since my last posts:
She does not love me, has not for years and years.
Has been unhappy for years.

The reasons she has given me:
I did not pull my weight with kids. She is right. She spends more time with them, partly because of me working on side business that requires some weekend work. I have been pulling my weight for months now though, and kids are finally getting to age where they want me. Its not that I was "bad" before... I'd take a baby plus two other small kids out to restaurants by myself, the park, etc.... I'd usually be at those places with a bunch of other women and rarely see men doing the same things. I encouraged her to go out with friends (although she rarely did).

I feel weird that we are going through so much because I only did 30% of the load with the kids instead of 50%.



> Why would she have a pretty bleak future? She might end up with a much better future. There are some very concerning things in the OP’s post.. such as him cheating on her. He does not get a pass on that. It’s probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.


I can't take back the date, I know. I was ignored for years and she told me to do it, but obviously did not mean it. It was more a final straw thing. I think her better future is with me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What state do you live in?


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What state do you live in?


I hate to say if we may end up in court. I have had consultations with the three attorneys in our town that are the good full time time family law lawyers. Part of it to get information and interview them, part of it to block them (and their partners) from representing my spouse. The question was posed to each of them... how can consultation fees be funded, how could total lawyer fees be funded. In our case there is not a dependent spouse, with both have mid-level jobs. Attorney fees, money spend on "dates", anything that is waste of marital assets are adjusted out in equitable distribution.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cdavis said:


> I hate to say if we may end up in court. I have had consultations with the three attorneys in our town that are the good full time time family law lawyers. Part of it to get information and interview them, part of it to block them (and their partners) from representing my spouse. The question was posed to each of them... how can consultation fees be funded, how could total lawyer fees be funded. In our case there is not a dependent spouse, with both have mid-level jobs. Attorney fees, money spend on "dates", anything that is waste of marital assets are adjusted out in equitable distribution.


Ok, you live in an equitable distribution state, not a community property state. 

For most people, even in an equitable distribution state where both spouses earn about the same amount... the only assets and income they have is what was aquired after the marriage.

So the fees can and should be marital pot of money... call it community property or equitable distribution. Your wife's father might have loaned her the money... but she will more than likely be paying him back.

Your fees will also be paid out of the money both of you have.


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## cdavis (Mar 9, 2012)

OK, here is a update. My wife is under unbearable stress and just wants to run away as fast as possible. Its difficult for me to understand b/c hasn't blamed me much, and I have not been difficult (never touched or even raised my voice at her), but me talking about fixing things is a big problem for her so I stopped doing this. There was a note left on the counter (acidently by her), when I was cleaning up last night I saw it. Its probably something the kids found and put there? She had a list of "untrue" things that I did:

I called her boss and told her that my wife was mentally ill - (I have never called her boss)

Bugged her cell phone (I don't even think this is possible)

Continuously calling her family members to tell them she is ill (I texted her sister once to tell her I was concerned for her and wanted advise on how to help, she never called me back)

I have a tracking device on her vehicle (Not true... but I think this is based on me taking a half day one day last week and she was home asleep when I went home... and she thinks I went home because I knew she was home).

I've heard from others that she is telling them I am threatening to take the kids from her. We haven't even discussed custody much. I've said anything other than I am concerned about how custody will work out.

I don't think I have a option now other than to be supportive when I can, always nice and calm, and try to protect my kids and myself legally.


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