# Grief ,Unwanted, Divorce...Reconciliation?



## lightnin (Feb 9, 2021)

I am new to the group but I want to get some input on my situation. 

I have been married to my current wife for almost 5 years. In the beginning you couldn't ask for a stronger relationship, then life came in and smacked us in the face. My wife and I conceived a child and unfortunately she was stillborn. This was one of the greatest trials in our lives. We came together and though you'll never grieve fully, we grieved together. We decided to try again for a child and were blessed to have a little boy. After the conception of our son, our intimate life was pretty well non-existent, I attributed this to the trauma for the prior pregnancy. Once our baby boy was here, I thought our intimate relationship would thrive once again, but unfortunately it did not. I was met with rejection at my attempts. We had discussed not wanting to have any more children after the birth of our son. So, I decided to have a vasectomy thinking that maybe her fear of getting pregnant again was her hesitation in our marriage. Once that was over still there wasn't any furtherance of the intimate side of our relationship. I tried to do everything I could for her, the cooking, cleaning, taking care of our son, in an attempt for her to make the time for me. My father always taught me the more i could get done around the house and help my wife the more time I would have with her instead of her focus on the house. As time continued though, i felt more like a roommate than a husband. My wife did not have any sex drive. Sometimes she would play along but i felt like an obligation. In july, I wrote her a letter telling her how much i loved her and affirmed my love for her, but also told her that i felt unwanted, but that i wanted to fight for this, that we could overcome this just like we had everything else. She seemed to try for a couple of weeks, showing a genuine interest in saving this, but it was short lived. I became concerned with our relationship and wondered if she might be cheating. Then after fasting for four days I get a message from someone using a ghost app, saying that they wanted to make me aware my wife was cheating. I already had insecurities about my relationship with my wife due to the lack of her interest in our intimate relationship. I had dealt with feeling unwanted intimately with my wife for almost a year at this point and receiving that message made me act much faster than i anticipated. I confronted her about the message i received and we spoke about the issues we had, we decided that what was best for us and our child at this time would be to divorce. She said that she couldn't make me a priority in her life right now because her sole priority is our son(she isn't a stay at home mother), because she is so worried about something happening to him. I, of course, cannot live as a roommate forever. I do not want a divorce, i want my wife in the capacity of a wife, not a roommate. She denied the allegation of cheating, and she has always been truthful and to my knowledge never lied to me. I am worried that her grief for the loss of our daughter and the responsibility of the care of our son is a sign of Post Partum Depression? I wonder if she is genuine in that she doesn't even think about sex or have sex drive right now? In a way i feel selfish for letting the intimate issues between us cause this division but i couldn't just continue to be a roommate. Since that conversation, we have moved into separate homes and sold our house. We are great co-parents together. I have been going back to church and getting closer in my walk in that aspect of my life. I DO NO WANT TO GET DIVORCED! I have been striving and doing some real soul searching and trying to make a mends. My attempts to talk to her are always met with defense. She has been unnaturally cold about all of it. It's like after we had that conversation she flipped a switch off towards me. She says she needs time and space and i have given that to her, not talking to her unless it was about our child, per her request. I just don't know how to begin reconciliation when i feel as if i am the only one who cares about our relationship. I've never wrote in a forum before but right now i'd love to get all the input and perspective i can. Maybe some women on here have had issues with post partum and lack of a sex drive and caused failures in your relationships, what does it take to fix that? Is she cheating? Should i make an attempt to have a brutal honest conversation before our divorce gets filed? Why is she so checked out, so fast?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have to wonder why someone would send a message telling you that she had cheated if she hasnt.


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## lightnin (Feb 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I have to wonder why someone would send a message telling you that she had cheated if she hasnt.


I thought the same thing. Just odd they send that message and then give no more information. I also thought she might have sent the message herself, because she knew it would push me to take action.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I'm trying to wrap my head around the twisted logic that your wife would send you an anonymous message saying she's cheating so you would take action. What action would she want you to take by sending such a message and if she wanted you to take such an action why not just openly discuss it with you rather than making up a whole story about cheating?

Let's shelve that ridiculous notion for a moment and look at the fact that a) there's no intimacy b) her actions have made you suspicious of her cheating c) you got an anonymous message that she's cheating. 

Don't you think this requires more investigation? By the way confronting a cheater almost NEVER works. What do you expect them to say "Oh yes, I'm banging the mailman, you got me!". No, they will simply drive the affair further underground and make discovery more difficult.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. Did your wife have any therapy after the loss to properly deal with this? And I don't mean going a few times and quitting. This isn't something that you can just grieve together and move on from. I know plenty of marriages that either had an affair or ended, following the loss of a child. You say you grieved together but you could be too much of a reminder for her. An affair is also an escape from reality, and unfortunately, quite common when families lose a child or have a sick child. Sex can also be a horrible reminder of the loss. 

If your wife doesn't want to work on the marriage and doesn't want to help herself, then there is nothing you can do but move on. If there is another man in the picture, then you are also SOL.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She doesn't want to be married to you. She's told you that.

The best thing you can do is move on.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lightnin said:


> she couldn't make me a priority in her life right now because her sole priority is our son


If you're not FIRST priority in her life, there is NO MARRIAGE. People have children because they are married, not married because they have children. Well, some are, your wife would be one of them.

Get loose.



lightnin said:


> I get a message from someone using a ghost app, saying that they wanted to make me aware my wife was cheating


Assume this message to be quite correct and factual. Do not ask questions, just act as if this is true. Whatever you would do if you KNEW this to be true, do that.
Don't waste any of your time or money being a detective. Just ACT.



lightnin said:


> issues with post partum


********.

Your wife's "post partum" is that she wanted a BABY, not a husband. Now that she has the baby, she has no further use for the husband.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your problem really seems to be that your desire to avoid being divorced is so strong you are at the point where your wife has checked out and probably cheated on you and you are willfully ignoring it to the point of magic thinking.

You might not want divorce but avoiding the reality of what is going on isn't going to make that possibility go away.

This is going to be difficult but it has to be said.

I'm sorry but occam's razor -

Your wife is probably cheating. (and this is where you should be operating from, all the signs point to it.) She is in another relationship and has probably been so for a while, which is why she is cold. You are just her ex now. 

She doesn't want to be married anymore (she wants to separate and has not been intimate, or have any priority to.) I suspect she wants to be with this other guy. You should show up to her house one night and see if he is there. 

and she doesn't love you like a wife should love a husband.

You don't even live together anymore.

What are you holding on to? Is it something you had years ago? That is not what you have right now, the marriage you have not is not much of one. Everything in life ends, you have to accept that. Mourn the loss, but then you must move on. Also don't assume your life is over. It's not. 

You should DNA test your kid, and pursue a divorce full speed. You should also protect yourself as your wife is not to be trusted.

The thing is, I know this is terribly painful but in the long run you will be happier and better off. She doesn't sound like a good person.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I have to wonder why someone would send a message telling you that she had cheated if she hasnt.


Maybe because he voiced these fears to someone who would like to see him divorced. Why use a ghost app otherwise.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sorry about your situation. It's very common for sex life to go to hell after birth of a baby. Yes, maybe she has depression of one type or another because of the trauma of a stillborn and maybe she is also overwhelmed -- because having a baby is overwhelming for most mothers. 

It doesn't really bear picking apart at this point because if she has depression, it's up to her to work on that with a therapist, but later in your post you said she doesn't want to talk to you at all except about the child, so I am just telling you right now she knows her own mind and it's time you accepted that and moved on with your life. We don't know exactly why, but she has plenty of reason. Maybe she can't be around you much because it only reminds her of the stillborn, who knows. I am not reading "affair" here, but it doesn't matter. She sounds like she's done. After this, I doubt she would ever feel romantic towards you again. She has a newborn after a stillborn and that's all that is on her mind, IMO, but what's on your mind is sex, so I just don't see her coming back to you. Since the child is her first priority, I'm pretty sure most mothers hope it will also be the father's first priority also. 

It takes two to work on a marriage, though, and she's out of commission for whatever reason. It's not like by divorcing she and you will cease to exist. But you shouldn't let it keep you from moving on. Just provide for your child and you ought to try to get joint custody after he's old enough. Good luck.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe because he voiced these fears to someone who would like to see him divorced. Why use a ghost app otherwise.


Tons of reasons. Maybe they are someone who knows OM and doesn't want that heat to come back on them. Maybe they are the OBS and doesn't want to give lightnin too much info incase he goes after OM. Maybe they know his WW and don't want to rock the boat on that relationship. They could even be OM themselves who wants to go public with his WW. That's why so many times these types of messages are done in a similar way - throwaway account, no personal info, anonymous as possible. They messed up by not giving details but it's not the first or last time we've seen someone come here with an anonymous message without details that turned out to be true.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

lightnin said:


> I DO NO WANT TO GET DIVORCED! I have been striving and doing some real soul searching and trying to make a mends. My attempts to talk to her are always met with defense. She has been unnaturally cold about all of it. It's like after we had that conversation she flipped a switch off towards me. She says she needs time and space and i have given that to her, not talking to her unless it was about our child, per her request. I just don't know how to begin reconciliation when i feel as if i am the only one who cares about our relationship. I've never wrote in a forum before but right now i'd love to get all the input and perspective i can. Maybe some women on here have had issues with post partum and lack of a sex drive and caused failures in your relationships, what does it take to fix that? Is she cheating? Should i make an attempt to have a brutal honest conversation before our divorce gets filed? Why is she so checked out, so fast?


Unfortunately it's not up to you. It's also up to her and she's not interested. She may be acting cold and moving on quickly because she does have someone else waiting in the wings. But even if she doesn't, there isn't anything that you can do to change her mind. Give her the divorce. Be fair. If she ever comes to you wanting R, then you can think about it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Reading this really touched a nerve. I was in your wife's situation many years ago. My husband and I also lost a baby and then went on to have a little girl. The labor was hard and as a first time mom who had already lost one this little girl was everything to me. I wanted the absolute best I could give her. I loved my husband but I do know that I did not want to be pregnant again and at that time in my life with a little-one I was not thinking about sex. My body had changed also and I did not feel sexy. We had been very active sexually before but emotionally I was processing alot. It was during that time that my ex wanted to start swapping wives which just lead to further hurt. He chose a different means to resolve the issue but the results were the same, and that was hurt. I needed for him to understand what I was going thru, where I was in this process. My body just went thru a whole LOT and now I was supposed to be this sex animal which I could not be. I too reached out for a male friend. It was more for him to hear me and understand me. It would have been considered an emotional affair. All I needed from my husband to support me, understand me, love me and not pressure me. Perhaps this might help you seeing it from someone who was in a similar situation. I do wish you the best.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

I am really sorry for you. My situation is similar. My advice for you would be to move on, take care of youself, keep contact with her to the bare minimum and only to talk about your child. In case she tries to push some conversation just cut her off and say you´re busy or have to go somewhere. I did that and after a week my wife came back saying she did not want to live without me and she still loved me. If your wife happens to do the same do not go back like i did. After i cave in she started growing distant again and acting cold with me it really got me angry because i was beggining to feel better and she got me out of my axis and what for? In my case there was no cheating if i knew there was i wouldn´t even be considering going back but since you´re willing to forgive if she asks you to come back don´t dive in all of a sudden, just say you have to think and keep your distance for a while.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Does she actually tell you she wants the divorce? Is she the one pursuing the divorce or are you?


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