# My Heart is Breaking



## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I had posted this in the general relationship forum but was advised that this may not be the best place so here I go again and maybe someone can help.

This is all very new to me, the forum thing and my marriage of 21 years coming to an end.

I am finding it all so overwhelming I am not sure how to cope.

Maybe I should give you some background ( this may be a bit long)

We have been together since teenagers and have 2 children of 24 and 20. I was always a stay at home mum and my husband worked very hard to provide for us. We put everything into providing for the kids maybe at the expense of spending time on our relationship.

The kids are becoming independent and this seems to have highlighted the big gaps in our relationship, we have not been talking, sex has been almost non-existent and i think we both have been feeling unloved.

I thought after all this time together things would sort themselves out, but 6 weeks ago my husband told me he is no longer 'in love' with me. e still cares for me but wanted to end things so we can both go our separate ways.

I almost begged for him to reconsider but he said there were no second chances and he wont change his mind, but he is still living in the house and sleeping in my bed!

I am struggling to keep myself together so any advice would be appreciated


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

If he is so hell bent on seperation, I'd tell him to move out. Show him you aren't playing his games and you can take care of things yourself. Strength is the biggest thing in these situations and sometimes just a show of it is enough to push them to want to reconsider.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

LilMamaSlim is absolutely right.

There is a world of difference between thinking about a partner thinking about how great it would be if they were out on their own - and actually taking action on it.

If you play the hard line of: "Fine, if that's what you want then get the hell out of our bedroom - and get out of the house. Now."

If he's telling you that there is no way he is going to change his mind, then why hasn't he pulled the trigger? 

I believe the first step for you should be to find yourself a therapist. Sorting this stuff out is never easy.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Deejo

I am thinking the very same thing, if he really doesn't want me anymore then why the hell is he still here. 

the kids don't understand it either. neither live at home but whilst they don't want either parent to be unhappy, our 20 year old son asked me why his dad doesn't just f*** off and let me get on with my life.

I feel I am going round in circles, I get upset all the time, but he seems to be acting as normal.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Why is your 20-year old angry with his dad? What was he told about the divorce?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

He has just been told that we are separating. 

There has been no sniping about each other from either my husband or I, but my son can see that his dad still being in the house when he tells me he wants to split is not a great idea.

He is quite capable of making his own judgements i think. He is just saying it as he sees it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I'd box up your husbands stuff and put them in the garage
and change the locks to the house.
If that doesn't give him incentive to leave, telling him to take a
long walk off a short peir should do the trick.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

have now got 2 weeks off work so am going to have a chance to make some plans.

I know I need to toughen up. In fact it cheered me up when I saw my doctor today (who knows us all very well), whose reaction was 'what the hell is the man doing has he gone mad'.

Maybe he has


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> have now got 2 weeks off work so am going to have a chance to make some plans.
> 
> I know I need to toughen up. In fact it cheered me up when I saw my doctor today (who knows us all very well), whose reaction was 'what the hell is the man doing has he gone mad'.
> 
> Maybe he has



I was thinking maybe you need to get mad too, to allow yourself to be angry and set up your own boundries and comfort zones with him.
Don't let him control you, sleep in your bed and PLZ do not believe what he says, GET LEGAL HELP so he doesn't screw you around like my uncle did to my aunt.
All it took was that one bad move on her part, in selling the house that was paid for and she ended up in trasher trash slums, with no hope to start life over again.
She was also a housewife most of the marriage. Your lawyer may tell you its not a good idea to go back to work too.... at least for now ( hope you have some savings)...
so
be sure to consult lawyer as what you should be doing to protect yourself from a devestating financial ruin. The emotional part is bad enough but financial ruin will impact your life far greater than it may seem right now.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

When we have talked about money he says that I will have half the house and stuff and that as I dont earn anything near what he does he will make sure I am ok, the problem is I only have his word for it!!

The house is nearly paid for and we have a very small mortgage so there is alot of equity in the property.
My husband tells me that the kids have both told him already that they are expecting him to do the decent thing as far as money goes. It is down to the fact I stayed at home for so many years doing absolutely everything for him and the kids that he got to be where he is.
Dont get me wrong though i have felt very lucky to have been in the position where I could be at home with my children and they have turned out really great, they are my only comfort at the minute.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I think my biggest problem are my feelings for him. I love him is simple as that. 

Up until this he was a good man, sure we have had our ups and down like anyone together for this long, but he was never cruel to me. In fact he would do pretty much anything I asked, and I never went without. 

I suppose that is what hurts more than anything and why I am finding it so hard to get mean, in fact I worry about him too.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mum, I understand your story too well. I keep looking for reasons why? So...he's no longer "in love but loves me." Well...stay and work on it! 

Do you have any indications that he might be having an affair? The no sex over time issue would worry me. Is he getting it elsewhere?


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I have had no indications at all that he has been having an affair. 

And I really don't believe he is. I really feel he is depressed though. The counsellor and the doctor both think he may be so its not just me thinking it.

He has been ill on and off since before Christmas, and had a couple of surgeries and now is facing more for something else. they have all been relatively minor things but he has been frustrated. I have been there for him (partly because I am a nurse) but I care deeply about his well being. I dont know whether this has any bearing on his state of mind. Hey who knows any more


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ask him to define what he wants. It's a simple question with big implications. 

The answer really isn't important. The goal of the question is to make him think about what is going on, and present the opening for a dialogue for the both of you.

If his answer is "I don't know." Well, that's still a pretty good answer. Indicates that it's time to think about it and make some decisions.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Deejo,

that sounds a bit scary. I almost don't want to know, if that makes sense.

He has said that he wants to be happy but hasn't said how this happens. Is it that being without me will make him happy. He certainly doesn't seem to be making any moves to separate, surely if this was what it takes he would be doing it by now. He told me all this over 6 weeks ago now. 

He is at the hospital tomorrow and we are going together. I cant not go, I still love him and care about what happens to him.Its so hard when his feelings towards me have changed but mine haven't.

Am feeling so low this evening. I keep going over it again and again in my head, I want to be strong, but am realy struggling


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Part of severe depression is being 'paralyzed'. The individual simply cannot act, decide, or commit to anything.

Whatever he is feeling certainly is not your fault - even if he believes that's the case.

Can't stress enough that you need to take care of yourself - and the best way to do that with what is going on is seeking counseling. Talk to your doctor for a recommendation, or any friends that you know that have previously had therapy.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

You are right. I need to talk things through with someone unconnected. My friends are being fantastic, but i need 'professional help' I think. 

The more I think about H behaviour the more I am convinced he is depressed. I suggested last night that he makes a doctors appointment , he didn't dismiss it so he may go. H is sure that I am depressed, but doctor just assured me that I am reacting normally to a terribly stressful time.


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