# Anyone decided to stay single and liked it?



## southbound

Has anyone here decided to stay single after their divorce and is now happy? I'm going through a divorce and i already have people talking about how I will be dating again, but at this point, even with all the lonliness, I'm not sure I ever want to have a relationship or marriage again. My brother is 35 and as heterosexual as they come, but has never been married and is happy as a lark. The odd part to me is that he is 6 feet of muscle, has a great personality, and is a very handsome guy. He dates occasionally, but his mind works in a very logical manner, everything has to make sense to him, and he just isn't into all the work and sometimes illogical things that go into making a relationship work. I guess I mention him just as an example of a happy, normal, single person. 
My marriage started out great and seemed wonderful to me until my wife asked for a divorce after 18 years because she is not happy. I was happy, so i don't see how I could ever top that relationship. I loved my wife, I had no money problems, no in-law problems, etc. 
I know that the natural desire for companionship is what causes people to want to marry again even if they have had a bad marriage. I know that we sometimes let parts of our bodies besides our brain do the thinking. the one thing in my favor is that I can be more of a loner than some people. I'm just wondering if i wouldn't be better off in the long run to put those desires aside and remain single and be able to do what I want to do the rest of my life. Has anyone else here decided to remain single and been happy with it.


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## Shelly29

Got to take it day by day....you don't know what the future has in store for you or what life will present to you. Just embrace what the future will show you and live in the present moment right now.


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## southbound

Shelly29 said:


> Got to take it day by day....you don't know what the future has in store for you or what life will present to you. Just embrace what the future will show you and live in the present moment right now.



Thank you very much for your response; you make good points. I suppose I'm just trying to weigh everything in my mind. I am not a person who is down on myself, I am happy with myself; however, I realize that I am not the most exciting person on the planet, which I think is partially what led my wife to file for our divorce. I was very happy in my first marriage; I feel like i had it all and that it fit me perfectly. I'm afraid I won't ever find that perfect fit again and that I will "settle" as some people do. Maintaining a relationship just seems a lot more complicated than I ever thought it was, and I'm just wondering if remaining single would be the way to go.


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## Marigold

I hear what you're saying....my husband and I have separated...also never really appreciated how much real work a marriage needs. I met him aged 17, we have been together since, I just thought marriages would work if both people were fundamentally nice/good people...my mum and dad didn't ever seem to have any marriage probs, so I just assumed that was the norm....I was totally wrong.

as for being happy and single, i'm along way off still from being ok on my own, by I think once you are ok on your own, maybe that is when you naturally open up to a new relationship...

i'm also a person that can be happy in my own company, but in my heart I know life without a man to love me and look after me and a family around me a would be lonely, i am scared of that....I think it would be very sad to be single 'forever', but it is one step at a time, just see how you feel...there is no right answer and everyone is different, it's just about being true to yourself.....and if you want to love again someday in a committed relationship, I am sure that you will


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## chefmaster

southbound said:


> all the work and sometimes illogical things that go into making a relationship work.


Anyone who has been married for 18 years is a brother of mine, and the above statement confirms it 

I don't expect you will ever top the relationship either but it's a bit like comparing apples and oranges. 

Everything will feel fresh and new and like nothing you've experienced before when you are in a new relationship. You may be rusty on dating but you can rest confident knowing that you have the common relationship knowledge down pat.

It sounds like you had a peach, don't go out looking for a smaller less adequate peach, go get yourself a truly spectacular plum 

Ps. Nothing says you have to decide right now if want to be single.


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## southbound

Marigold said:


> I hear what you're saying....my husband and I have separated...also never really appreciated how much real work a marriage needs. I met him aged 17, we have been together since, I just thought marriages would work if both people were fundamentally nice/good people...my mum and dad didn't ever seem to have any marriage probs, so I just assumed that was the norm....I was totally wrong.
> a



That sounds exactly like me. In looking back, I have made a lot of textbook mistakes, but when she and I first met, the way she acted with me seemed to take all the work out of it. When I would date other girls, it did seem like a little work. I would find myself wondering what i could do to keep them interested. When my future wife came along, however, she seemed so crazy about me that I thought whatever i was was apparently perfect for her, so all I had to do was exist and not make any huge blunders like cheating or abuse and we would have a good marriage. That seemed to work for many years, but apparently i should have started "working" somewhere along the way and I was too dumb to see that. My parents and grandparents didn't seem to have any problems either, so I figured that was the norm. I don't think my grandparents ever worried about being sexy and exciting either. I never once heard my parents or grandparents say that marriage took a lot of work. If I gained anything from them, it was that if you married the right person, it worked. I hate that I was too dumb to see that a marriage takes a lot of effort.


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## Scannerguard

I do think it's important to embrace a "single life" for at least awhile and do some natural reflecting but there is no reason to think of it as a lifelong mission.


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## katie jane

Im loving being single  I can't see myself ever wanting to go through the rubbish I have at any point in my future 
I can see who I want  come home when I want  and I feel a great emotional release  I'm loving my new life so much !

One day at a time do what feels good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

Divorced almost 1 year, separated 18 months. I am *so* glad to be single despite the hardships (logistics of sharing home where our kids live with my ex, getting finances in order, etc). I do not mind being the only one responsible for my decisions, even if they do not turn out well--that's life, I'm living and learning, and so far I haven't made any major mistakes (Thank God for His Guidance!)

The hardest thing for me is guilt, b/c my ex isn't doing well and I still see him quite a bit b/c of the kids. The kids are doing very well, however, and that helps me a lot. 

There is no need to rush into anything and, as someone already said, just relax and let things happen. You cannot know where your life will go, although you certain have control over your decisions. Taking each day as it comes, and as a gift, will let you enjoy the present without worrying about the future or trying to make a decision about what you might do in the future. Good luck!


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## mariem1967

As Shelly said you have to live day by day. You can't decide today for the rest of your life as you don't know whats going to happen tomorrow. I was angry after my divorce and thought i will never have any relationship again but whop i am happy again to live with someone who cares and loves me. So, never say never again


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## Cooper

I think it depends a great deal on what kind of person you are at the core. There's many different reasons why but many people just can't stand being alone relationship wise, and others are happy and content steering their own boat.

I'm a lot like your brother and if I sit down an analyze why I need a woman in my life the only reason is companionship, and maybe picking out paint because my color schemes never work! Seriously, I'm very capable and love my independence but I'll never say I will stay single forever, if the right gal comes along and we make each other happy I wouldn't hesitate to give marriage another shot.

And FYI, I've been single for two years and have dated plenty of women but none that I would call a "girlfriend". I have plenty of friends so I am active socially as well. If I had spent the last two years sitting on the couch I don't think I would be very happy. Being alone is different than being single.


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## southbound

Cooper said:


> I think it depends a great deal on what kind of person you are at the core. There's many different reasons why but many people just can't stand being alone relationship wise, and others are happy and content steering their own boat.
> 
> I'm a lot like your brother and if I sit down an analyze why I need a woman in my life the only reason is companionship, and maybe picking out paint because my color schemes never work! Seriously, I'm very capable and love my independence but I'll never say I will stay single forever, if the right gal comes along and we make each other happy I wouldn't hesitate to give marriage another shot.
> 
> And FYI, I've been single for two years and have dated plenty of women but none that I would call a "girlfriend". I have plenty of friends so I am active socially as well. If I had spent the last two years sitting on the couch I don't think I would be very happy. Being alone is different than being single.


I have certainly enjoyed my wife's companionship over the years, but I guess i can be more of a loner than some people. I don't have to be around people all the time to be happy. When I was single and dating, I never had to be dating someone constantly.


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## sisters359

Being alone is also very different than being lonely! I *prefer* to be alone a lot of my time right now. I think that a lot of it is just not having so many demands on me--I was a single parent, working full time, while married, and was expected to meet all of his needs and demands, too. Having a couple of evenings a week to myself, getting re-acquainted with myself, has been a God-send!


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## Freak On a Leash

For a good part of my marriage I felt very lonely and I eventually built a life without my husband even while being married. In time, I came to like having my independence and being on my own and it was a tough adjustment to give that up during the short time after my husband and I "reconciled" and decided to build a life together. Than I got used to that and now I'm back to Square 1 now that we are separated. 

I have often wondered if I am ever cut out to be successfully married. Living with another person doesn't seem to work for me. When I was 22, my first serious relationship ended badly six weeks before I was to be married. 23 years ago I was a different person. I hated being alone and wanted to be in another relationship badly. I rushed into my relationship with my husband and have suffered the repercussions of that for years as a result.

Over the years I often regretted my decision to marry. Having young children didn't agree with me (though having teenagers does) and I think that at heart I'm a rather selfish and stubborn person. This doesn't bode well for a good marriage. I tried to change but it seems it was too little too late. I often found myself envying my single friends and wondered what my life would've been if I'd stayed in the one bedroom apartment I had for a brief period of time before moving in with my husband all those years ago.

Throughout the bad periods of my marriage I often dreamed of going off on my own and getting my own place. I came close a few times. I'd think about how nice it would be to be able to come and go as I please. To do what I wanted and to live without the constant criticism and stress of my marriage and raising a family. 

Now circumstances have put me in a position where my husband and I are separated and I now have my own place, albeit with my two kids. I now have a nice place that I can keep neat and tidy and have it the way I want it. I like that aspect a lot. 

I find myself REALLY liking my new life as a single person, especially during the week, when I come home from work tired and just want to sit and veg on the computer and not do what someone else wants me to do. My kids are old enough now to fend for themselves and I find them to be good company. We get along great and have fun together and they are as grateful as I am that the strife and stress that we all suffered through when my husband was still living with us has now dissipated. 

I've often thought that the perfect relationship with my husband would be to each have a separate place and "date" on the weekends..now I'm convinced that this would optimum. The best times I've had with my husband was when we did fun things together on the weekends and vacations. It makes sense to me to preserve that part of our relationship..to literally have our cake and eat it too. 

If it doesn't work out in the end for my husband and I one thing I do know is that I will NEVER, EVER remarry and never live with someone else. I can see getting involved with another person but living with them? No friggin' way!


__________________________________________________________

_Why don't you just leave me alone?
my heart's gonna break from the fall
holding on to petty things, feeling all the hate it brings
why don't you just leave me alone?_-Korn


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## Cooper

Freak on a leash, isn't it great to get to a point of reality in your life where you can be honest about who you are and what you want and need? So many feel that if you're not in a relationship something is wrong with you, even my own daughter keeps on me about finding someone. 

I keep telling my friends the best thing about being single isn't that I can do what I want when I want, it's that I "don't" have to do anything I don't want to do!


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## Freak On a Leash

Cooper said:


> I keep telling my friends the best thing about being single isn't that I can do what I want when I want, it's that I "don't" have to do anything I don't want to do!


:iagree: Truer words were never spoken!  The one nice thing about getting older is that you do grow comfortable in your own skin. I have no interest in changing or impressing anyone else. I am what I am and if it's not to someone's liking then it's THEIR problem, not mine.

It's not just that I know who I am and what I want and need but that I've actually gone 180 degrees from what I once was. Once, I was lost without being in a relationship. The idea of being alone depressed me and I was obsessed with finding the "right man" to marry and settle down with. Now, two decades later, I have no such desire. I find this to be a HUGE sense of freedom. I can go and do things alone and enjoy myself. I don't NEED someone else. 

I just came from attending a concert (two of my favorite groups, Disturbed AND Korn! :smthumbup and I went alone and had a GREAT time. I tend to be chatty and relate well to other people and I also want enjoy my "alone" time. 

As for my husband, I'd love for us to be lovers and friends and "date" on the weekend but going back to living with each other? This isn't something I want right now, especially since he has so many issues himself. If we do go our separate ways I can't see living with another person again. 

I get the impression that a lot of people find this attitude perplexing. I know SO many people who got out of HORRID marriage and jump right back into a serious relationship and even marriage within a year of their divorce! Can't quite figure this out and I definitely know it's not happening with me.
________________________________________________


_Why don't you just leave me alone?
my heart's gonna break from the fall
holding on to petty things, feeling all the hate it brings
why don't you just leave me alone?_-Korn


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## SimplyAmorous

Cooper said:


> So many feel that if you're not in a relationship something is wrong with you, even my own daughter keeps on me about finding someone.


You just got to forgive some of us who have a match maker mentality, I am admittably one of these people, been tying to match make my friends , even some family members probably since I was 10 yrs old, came pretty close a # of times, but no marrieges from my hand yet, did have one from my match - at a Party though! God help my children. I guess some of us are in love with the idea of "Romance" and we like to see others find this in their lives. 

It is hard for me personally to understand how someone wouldnt want this. But I mean no harm or to offend when I ask my neices, nephews if they have a signicant other in their lives yet. (I do this every Holiday faithfully). I have realized over the years, not everyone cares about this -the way I do . Still baffles me but - we are just not all the same!


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## whynotme

I'm turning 35 this year and I have been going over my past relationships up to this point, and taking stock. I've decided to remain single for the duration and I am completely happy with my decision. Part of this stems from seeing my mother remarry twice after divorcing my father, even though she is one of those people who say, "never say never". Not knocking the never say never crowd, but since I am a lot like her (in looks and personality) it just might be better for me to go the other way.

My father also remarried after my mom left him. They have been together for about 15 years now but they don't seem especially happy, and he expresses that sometimes. A lot of people stay in their second marriage no matter what because they don't want that Liz Taylor track record.

Remaining single is a lifestyle choice, and it's a personal one, but people around you can make you feel so odd about it. Like, what??? OMgosh, you're REALLY going to stay alone for the rest of your life???

I had to have "the talk" with my parents and let them know up front not to expect any grandkids from me. On the other hand, I also let them know I'd like to take care of them when they're older if they need it. So they're not too upset.

I feel like I already met The One in hindsight, back in my early twenties. He asked me to marry him, I passed, and he married someone else. I went on to marry a complete jerk who I divorced last year. And...I'm done now. Personally, I think you only get a few chances for something real. I'm not going to go out looking to recapture lost opportunities.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think remaining single can be a wise choice and a happy one. Not everyone is meant to be married.


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## southbound

Even though I have "loner" in my blood, I'll admit there was a time when I thought people were crazy for wanting to stay single all their life. I thought it was simple, just make sure you find the "right one" and you're set for life with happiness. i thought that for 18 years, and then my wife asked for divorce claiming she was unhappy.:scratchhead:

If, at this point, I could tell everybody how we argued and how things had been bad for years, i could understand more. But we didn't have negative features, it seemed like a fairy tale. 

there were no warning signs in the beginning either. Everybody thought we were the perfect match, as did I. So, after having 18 years of wonderful and then having it thrown in my face, I can easily see how being single can be a good thing. I don't want that again.

I too, am currently enjoying doing what i want when i want. Who knows, i may change in the future, but I'm good with being single at the moment.


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## Scannerguard

To the brother-in-law who is good looking and whatnot and never been married. . .my suspicion is he is either:

A. Gay
B. Asexual

When all is said and done, yeah, you can be single, or not in a relationship, but what kind of sex life is that? Yeah, I can see now that I am dating it's POSSIBLE to maintain a "ho' posse" as Deejo puts it and have some semi-regular sex.

But as someone wrote, I think humans are meant to be either permanently or serially monogamous and in a partnership state. You can be happy. . .but life is meant for two, not one. Does that mean you can't be unattached for awhile? Certainly you can and probably should.

But jeez. . .most guys need a booty call every once in awhile (and most gals) and not have to go to the bar and roll the dice, you know? I know I don't want that eternally. Partnership is the only thing that makes kind of sense to me, you know? Yeah, it's a compromise. . .but life is a compromise.

It's probably for the best this "hunk" of a brother-in-law remains single as a marriage is a sexual relationship and the fact he has not sought out a partner speaks volumes to me.


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## southbound

Scannerguard said:


> To the brother-in-law who is good looking and whatnot and never been married. . .my suspicion is he is either:
> 
> A. Gay
> B. Asexual
> 
> When all is said and done, yeah, you can be single, or not in a relationship, but what kind of sex life is that? Yeah, I can see now that I am dating it's POSSIBLE to maintain a "ho' posse" as Deejo puts it and have some semi-regular sex.
> 
> But as someone wrote, I think humans are meant to be either permanently or serially monogamous and in a partnership state. You can be happy. . .but life is meant for two, not one. Does that mean you can't be unattached for awhile? Certainly you can and probably should.
> 
> But jeez. . .most guys need a booty call every once in awhile (and most gals) and not have to go to the bar and roll the dice, you know? I know I don't want that eternally. Partnership is the only thing that makes kind of sense to me, you know? Yeah, it's a compromise. . .but life is a compromise.
> 
> It's probably for the best this "hunk" of a brother-in-law remains single as a marriage is a sexual relationship and the fact he has not sought out a partner speaks volumes to me.


His situation does seem uncommon, but he just doesn't think the sex is worth the rest of the stuff one has to go through in a relationship. We just had a discussion yesterday and he said, "What else is there but sex to attract you to a woman? I don't think anybody marries so they can sit around and listen to crap day in and day out like everyone has to do, and what's so sad about getting up every morning and being able to do what you want when you want?" Those are his words, by the way.

Honestly, after my experience, I kinda see his point. He is not into games, and neither am I, but how many relationships do you know that don't involve some emotional games? If I wake up single every morning, I don't have to worry about playing somebody's game.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> Honestly, after my experience, I kinda see his point. He is not into games, and neither am I, but how many relationships do you know that don't involve some emotional games? If I wake up single every morning, I don't have to worry about playing somebody's game.


And this way you are feeling right here makes all the sense in the world, as your personal experience has put a very very sour taste in your mouth. 

I have met many who say they would shoot themselves in the head before they would marry again, it will never happen, because they were used, abused, lied too, played with, and left.

It is SO unfortunate though, because many of these particular HURTING Exs (I have 2 girlfriends like this -good looking too) -they ARE the ones who HAVE the MOST TO GIVE to someone else, excellent qualities, would make faithful endearing partners-until death, but they have lost the idea of "love" forever. 

The Game playing spouse is more apt to go on, seeking to marry again -sometimes quickly & cause more grief for someone else. That is the crazy part. I just couldn't help but notice this pattern with Ex's. 

So if you ever meet up with someone who feels as strongly/vehemetly as you do - give her a careful look -she could just be a really decent non-game playing woman who was done "very wrong". 

Just something to consider. A shame some of the BEST men & women will never go near a dating site or put themselves out there again - due to what another has done to them.


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## Deejo

I'm sorry? Did someone say 'ho-posse'?

I like being single.

In the scheme of things I am in an exclusive relationship. But ... I still have my single mentality. Don't think I'll ever give it up again. Doesn't mean that I'm chasing skirt. I'm not. One woman has my fidelity.

I would like nothing more than to fall in love and have that absolutely overwhelming feeling of 'awesome' from the top of my head to the tip of my toes ... but honestly, I just don't know if that is even in the cards for me any more. That's ok too.

I used to be one of the "I hate game playing" crowd. But ... my entire perception has changed. Everybody has a game. Everybody. No arguments. No exceptions. What does occur is that there are many folks that fail to realize they are asking a potential partner to play by a common set of rules ... that they presume everyone is familiar with. And that just isn't the case.

If you cannot accept and embrace that managing love and relationships IS a game ... then you end up like sb's BIL. And all that comes down to, is acknowledging that you have you're own set of rules, and aren't interested in learning or playing by someone elses.

Being 'true to yourself' does not mean that you don't have GAME. It actually means that you are aware of game and recognize it's benefits and drawbacks ... or that you have been wounded to the point where you just don't want to play any more.

Let's be clear, there is a huge difference between having and using game, and being deceitful and cruel. They are not synonymous, but most people presume they are.


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## Scannerguard

Deejo,

YOu and I seem to be leading parallel lives. We should probably connect off board here a bit. One of the women in my black book asked to be exclusive yesterday and I said yes.

Why? 

I ain't gonna lie - it's going to get me a better chance of regular sex. Some hot. Some casual. Some sleepy. Some quick. Some long. Some - um, guess it ain't working tonight. Can we try in the morning?

This is where I can't see the "ho posse' mentality or the "asexual" existence but to each their own.

And on the other end I had a woman in my "little black book" (My cellphone, lol), she seems to be a blast - hot, very sexual. . .she told me she doesn't want anything exclusive. I do think about it would be fun to bed her but. . .but. . . .life is compromise like I said. I am not a cheater. Never have been. I told her she should just put it out there - she gets 27 year old guys wanting to bang her. . .but she says, "What would I have in common with them?"

Has to be a guy her age (43)?

I have to be safe. . .if I was 23 years old, I'd only have to worry about me getting an STD - now I have 3 kids to worry about so monogamy makes sense.

Safe. Sane. Sexual. Sincere. That's all I ask and I have learned to be pretty good at vetting them out. Many online don't have one of them working for them - the hot chick - just not safe.

I did tell her though as much as she thinks she's ready for a relationship, she's probably not. She's still married, separated, alcoholic and abusive stb-x husband. I told her it's not a deal breaker, her situation. . .but a lot of women think they want a relationship, when what they really need is a fling to feel whole again. They just need a lover.

But she just can't come out and say that and put it out there.

I have cracked Female Code a bit.

It's a combination of an old style of Morse Code and Oprah-talk.


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## Deejo

Scannerguard said:


> Deejo,
> 
> YOu and I seem to be leading parallel lives. We should probably connect off board here a bit. One of the women in my black book asked to be exclusive yesterday and I said yes.
> 
> Why?
> 
> I ain't gonna lie - it's going to get me a better chance of regular sex. Some hot. Some casual. Some sleepy. Some quick. Some long. Some - um, guess it ain't working tonight. Can we try in the morning?
> 
> This is where I can't see the "ho posse' mentality or the "asexual" existence but to each their own.
> 
> And on the other end I had a woman in my "little black book" (My cellphone, lol), she seems to be a blast - hot, very sexual. . .she told me she doesn't want anything exclusive. I do think about it would be fun to bed her but. . .but. . . .life is compromise like I said. I am not a cheater. Never have been. I told her she should just put it out there - she gets 27 year old guys wanting to bang her. . .but she says, "What would I have in common with them?"
> 
> Has to be a guy her age (43)?
> 
> I have to be safe. . .if I was 23 years old, I'd only have to worry about me getting an STD - now I have 3 kids to worry about so monogamy makes sense.
> 
> Safe. Sane. Sexual. Sincere. That's all I ask and I have learned to be pretty good at vetting them out. Many online don't have one of them working for them - the hot chick - just not safe.
> 
> I did tell her though as much as she thinks she's ready for a relationship, she's probably not. She's still married, separated, alcoholic and abusive stb-x husband. I told her it's not a deal breaker, her situation. . .but a lot of women think they want a relationship, when what they really need is a fling to feel whole again. They just need a lover.
> 
> But she just can't come out and say that and put it out there.
> 
> I have cracked Female Code a bit.
> 
> It's a combination of an old style of Morse Code and Oprah-talk.


I do think we have followed a similar arc.

Deep down? I'm still pretty much a nice guy. But ... I have definitely embraced and built up my 'core'. Much more self aware. Far less perplexed by or in awe of the fairer sex - but no less intrigued.

I used to place myself as a satellite orbiting the heavenly body of 'Woman'.

So ... I got myself a death star and blew that sucker up.

Now? I am the Sun. My warming and brilliant energy radiates and bathes the solar system ... nay, the galaxy, of 'Women'. I bring light and joy to those upon whom my dazzling rays shine ... to those who shun my brilliant, benevolent light? They shall live out their days pondering the glory of what may have been ...

Thinking about putting that in my online profile. What do you think? A little over the top?


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## breathe

Shelly29 said:


> Got to take it day by day....you don't know what the future has in store for you or what life will present to you. Just embrace what the future will show you and live in the present moment right now.


I like this advice


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## Eleanor Rigbey

Yep! I was married 17 years (separated the last 4 of them). I have decided to stay single and LOVE every single minute of it. If I were any happier, I'd explode.


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## Dollystanford

I'm certainly going to stay single for a while, I find myself looking around and seeing hot guys and thinking 'yeah I think I can handle this just fine'


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Funny you should ask. I was just thinking about that.
I thought I would, but then the guy I really really liked, crazy about, real tender feelings towards...who had been saying he would never get married, never have stepkids again, admitted he would break all his rules for me. So yep, that was the plan, to get married. Then he had a brain hemorrhage, coma, brain injury, he is in rehab, things were kind of okay, I saw him every day in the hospital, then he went to rehab and I saw him a lot less, now his sister who has guardianship who I never met before my guy had his medical issue, (he didn't get along with her) got guardianship and moved him out of the state. I told him I would wait for him, before his hemorrhage I'd told him I would be with him no matter what. So as it stands right now, yep, staying single, not because I said I would and am keeping a promise, but because that's how I feel. He was worth waiting for before, and I was worth waiting for while I put my abusive marriage to rest (stayed married longer than I should, one of the reasons was I was leery about my feelings towards my guy affecting how I was perceiving my now ex, that maybe he wasn't as abusive as I'd remembered...hadn't started dating my guy, gave my now-ex a fair shake...) So, anyway, staying single not because I want to, but because I am in limbo. Since I won't see my guy and since it takes a while for someone to recover from a brain injury, I'm just in single land for a long while, anyone who asks me out will understand it is really speculative and on a just-friends sort of basis for a long time. While he was waiting for me that's what my guy did, he had woman friends he went out with but he was holding out for me. Cynicism almost got the best of him but he said he always knew I was a true believer...and waited it out. He said it was tough. I agree, it must have really s*cked. At least while I'm waiting to see what happens with him, also totally open-ended maybe a 'forever' thing...I know he isn't with any abuser...oh right well his sister, yes she is a control freak and has attacked me verbally in hospital and rehab totally out of control, unprovoked, brought people running to help/intervene, as for me I disengaged entirely but the tailspin put me on sedatives. :-o So yep, I guess tit for tat, abusive relationship wait out. He has to become competent and become his own guardian again before he can be free to find me. Until then, I have a few go-betweens, so total non-contact is not what it's going to be, but it will be uncertain, it does take a true believer to deal with that. So far, he hasn't forgotten me so I doubt he will now. He was always very clear about remembering my marriage and my ex and my divorce. :-o But for a while I am going to be single, so am just getting used to it. Fortunately I was doing that before because my husband was deployed. I do have male friends to pinch-hit socially. My guy said the one friend is going to be really bummed when he finally gets out of rehab. Yep. He will be, but we will be a tight trio I bet. There is another guy we both know who is a real spiritual help. He is committed to being single. He says he is a monk and lives a very single lifestyle, but I'm not sure if it's because he got burned in a relationship that lasted a year and a half, or if it's because he is very short of money and parents a teenager (child support I suppose) or if he really does it to enhance his spiritual life. He survived cancer twice so I think he is a strong person. I have another friend who is fun to hang out with. And a dance friend who is laid back and sweet and personable who can get me to smile and to dance and have fun and relax. I also have a volunteer job and kids and a couple older women who are single and very strong and dedicated to their work which deals with children (and one horses and handicapped people). So with friends like these along with kids it's easy to be single. I also belong to the AMC and have a friend and her kids who go camping with me for a week, or me with her. It's a lot of fun. Also I get to see that even married people do things apart. And have problems sometimes, or differences of opinion. It helps to see relationships in perspective. I mean, I have a relationship, but it is in a weird stage right now. It's more spiritual and based on a promise. But as I waited for abusive husband for several months in limbo, and gave him a few more months that weren't deserved, I would think it will be at least a year before my guy recovers, or doesn't (I don't really believe that will happen, he is very strong and given that he was almost dead two months ago and is already walking and can have conversations some of the time...I have faith that he will recover and keep his promises to me and we'll do what we planned to.)

So, single but weirdly single. And have to make the most of it so I will. I made a list of all the stuff I want to work on that are my personal and spiritual goals. Even if I moved on I would want to move on in a relationship with someone I knew very well as a friend first. I do not think I would date to date. I knew my guy as a friend for quite a few months before I fell for him. It wasn't like I dated him first with being a couple in mind. It was the same thing for him. It was kind of a surprise or a type of discovery that was a revelation. 

I don't think being single or not can be a choice, really when you consider how relationships are really something that is concerned with heart and spirit and not so much logic.


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## Paradise

Unhappy2011 said:


> And I do want to meet the right woman that I will fall in love, get married and have kids.


I thought the same thing about 9 years ago....Look where it got me!!!

Oops...You said "right" woman. My bad! :rofl:


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## Freak On a Leash

Unhappy2011 said:


> I like being single. It makes me more enthusiastic to be my best. It's exciting.
> 
> I like coming and going as I please. Making my house the way I want.
> 
> I like going out in the world, and *meeting new women.* Whether it is the store, a coffee shop or wherever.
> 
> I went out last weekend,* thurs - Sat and met 3 different beautiful women on each night. * It was great and made me high with confidence.
> 
> I do think some people are more pragmatic about relationships. And perhaps they are being wise in their own way, _as opposed to us who can't settle down._
> 
> But I am still a dreamer, probably because I can be. *And I do want to meet the right woman that I will fall in love, get married and have kids.*


:scratchhead: So if you like being single, why do devote so much time and energy to changing that? Don't you have some hobbies or like doing other stuff besides looking for a potential mate. 

Something tells me that you really don't want to be single because if you did, you would want to keep it that way. You say you can't settle down but wanting to meet the "right women, getting married and having kids" implies otherwise.


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## Deejo

"Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ..." Kelly Clarkson


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## CLucas976

I actually still feel the same way.

I'm extremely grateful that I've never been the person to immediately find a new relationship. The healing is so important, and i really would have felt horrid for anyone attempting a relationship with me before now, I was quite the mess.

Also, the more I see my friends struggling and suffering from their ending or bad relationships, the less it seems worth the bother. I've already had the love story, the pretty wedding, the feeling etc, like I tell everyone; at this point, I would be happy to settle for a mutually exclusive F buddy room mate who hung out, played video games, and you know, helped out around the house a bit. 

No need for the fancy titles, no need for the nonsense. We screw, we hang out, we live together, good enough.

I'm sure that will change eventually, but for now and I think especially after a divorce/separation, it's better to just worry about you and let the rest do what it will.


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## hornsfan

This is a pretty old thread but none-the-less it came up in Google when I was searching for same answers. I too completely dedicated myself to my wife and marriage. It was tremendous work and frankly after looking back on my relationship I realize I was the only one working. 

My wife suffered from acute depression after the loss of one of our twins. We had our son and now one surviving preemie twin girl but she would never be back as a "mom" again. She went from counselor to counselor and nothing ever worked. We were so ecstatically happy before so I always thought some day it would be "us" again. But after 10 years of depression, hospital stays, bipolar-ism, erratic job history, and even close to suicide our marriage ended on her accord. We were the best of friends and I stood by her in the lowest of times. After all of that she would eventually be swayed away by an old love from middle school on Facebook. She left and has seen our kids a total of 10 days in over a year.

My friends constantly say it's been a couple of years now and that I need to get back out there. The truth is that I feel so relieved to be out of the years of turmoil that I am extremely reluctant to even date again. I am, and have been for a very long time, over my wife. I think towards the end of our relationship that I was more of a caregiver than a husband, hoping every day that at some point we would be as happy as we were. I think I knew it was never going to happen, so sadly I say I was relieved that it was over. 

It is easy to look at this intelligently and realize what is going on here but that doesn't change the way I feel. I am very happy with no relationship and even no female romantic interaction at all. I feel more resolute as the months pass which in some ways makes me worry, which is what led me here.

I guess my worry is that I will never want to date again. For now I have my kids and spend all my time with them and happily so. But what happens when they leave? I just turned 48 and my daughter will leave the house in about 6 years (more depending on where she wants to go to college). Will I be lonely then? I am not now. I'm not getting any younger or more handsome ;-)

So many questions that no one can really answer except me. Guess that is the point of such gatherings...to talk to cyberspace and hope that some revelation appears.

Main point though, I have had the great relationship prior to our issues, great sex life, great children, romantic vacations, and eventual best friendship, and it still failed. I am extremely reluctant to try it again.


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## ScarletBegonias

Single...LOVE it

the only thing i miss terribly is intimacy and sex. lol but otherwise life is GLORIOUS without a partner!!


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## Shooboomafoo

hornsfan said:


> This is a pretty old thread but none-the-less it came up in Google when I was searching for same answers. I too completely dedicated myself to my wife and marriage. It was tremendous work and frankly after looking back on my relationship I realize I was the only one working.
> 
> My wife suffered from acute depression after the loss of one of our twins. We had our son and now one surviving preemie twin girl but she would never be back as a "mom" again. She went from counselor to counselor and nothing ever worked. We were so ecstatically happy before so I always thought some day it would be "us" again. But after 10 years of depression, hospital stays, bipolar-ism, erratic job history, and even close to suicide our marriage ended on her accord. We were the best of friends and I stood by her in the lowest of times. After all of that she would eventually be swayed away by an old love from middle school on Facebook. She left and has seen our kids a total of 10 days in over a year.
> 
> My friends constantly say it's been a couple of years now and that I need to get back out there. The truth is that I feel so relieved to be out of the years of turmoil that I am extremely reluctant to even date again. I am, and have been for a very long time, over my wife. I think towards the end of our relationship that I was more of a caregiver than a husband, hoping every day that at some point we would be as happy as we were. I think I knew it was never going to happen, so sadly I say I was relieved that it was over.
> 
> It is easy to look at this intelligently and realize what is going on here but that doesn't change the way I feel. I am very happy with no relationship and even no female romantic interaction at all. I feel more resolute as the months pass which in some ways makes me worry, which is what led me here.
> 
> I guess my worry is that I will never want to date again. For now I have my kids and spend all my time with them and happily so. But what happens when they leave? I just turned 48 and my daughter will leave the house in about 6 years (more depending on where she wants to go to college). Will I be lonely then? I am not now. I'm not getting any younger or more handsome ;-)
> 
> So many questions that no one can really answer except me. Guess that is the point of such gatherings...to talk to cyberspace and hope that some revelation appears.
> 
> Main point though, I have had the great relationship prior to our issues, great sex life, great children, romantic vacations, and eventual best friendship, and it still failed. I am extremely reluctant to try it again.


---Man I feel you there. Had the same thing happen to me re:FB after a 10 yr marriage, and 16 together. I have one daughter too that will be moving out age in about the same time.. 
I dont feel like getting into a relationship though. I am not totally thru with the hurt, as it seems to still hit me at times. I'd not want that to get in the way, plus I'd like to get my sh!t together, so I have something to offer a relationship other than a bunch of debt and skepticism.. lol.


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## ScarletBegonias

Shooboomafoo said:


> plus I'd like to get my sh!t together, so I have something to offer a relationship other than a bunch of debt and skepticism.. lol.


you'll get there but once you get there be forewarned that your life might be so darn fabulous you could be completely fulfilled just being on your own


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## Paradise

Shoo, I think like this as well. That "once out of debt I'll be ready." Guess I will have to wait another 10 years or so before that happens. 

But, I'm not really worried about that anymore. It use to really bother me but it isn't going away anytime soon. To think that I have always been so conservative with my finances and after being married for 5 years I'm in so much debt I can't hardly breath. Crazy. But, it is what it is!


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