# Hypothetical - how do you handle the OSF who you know is interested in your spouse



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Supposed you have a spouse who has an OSF from before you started dating.

You come along and find the OSF relationship a bit "off" and then come to find out that your SPOUSE has no interest in the other person, however the other person has or had shown interest more than friends.

How would you handle such a situation? 

Would you be ok if they are FB friends, texting, etc?


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Depends how serious your relationship is. Once you're defacto, engaged, married, I think you have more say about OSF. When just boyfriend and girlfriend, new relationship - not as much. 

The way my husband has put it before is "I don't like the way he looks at you, I know he's your buddy but it feels like he's after more to me." - this was enough for me to avoid making any effort towards contact with them, but still be civil of course. But I respect a lot what my hubby thinks. If you say that to her, and it's not enough - maybe she's not realising that it's disrespecting the relationship/you (or doesn't care enough) which is a problem in it's own. 

No need to cut off the friendship totally - just no one-on-one alone time, and private texting should be rather rare (depends again on how committed your relationship is, and the nature of his texting and whether she's open about him texting her). If my husband had an OSF texting him more than once a month, I'd find that suspicious (we've been together 12 years though). If the OSF was texting her a lot from the beginning, you'd expect her to scale things back as she got more involved with you.

When you have a serious relationship - it's your duty to that relationship to put out the signal loud and clear that you're off limits to others, especially to people in the friendzone for the past X-years (who obviously haven't given up hope yet!!).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jdawg2015 said:


> Supposed you have a spouse who has an OSF from before you started dating.
> 
> You come along and find the OSF relationship a bit "off" and then come to find out that *your SPOUSE has no interest in the other person,* however the other person has or had shown interest more than friends.
> 
> ...


That's probably meant inthe tradional sense, ie, she does not want to jump his bones.

But now that we recognise Emotional Affairs, it is possible that she clings to the friendship for the attention that she gets. Does this friend have a history of taking her out; buying her gifts and so on? Do they giggle over the fact that SOME people think that they ARE dating? Do some people sometimes think that she's with him and not you?

Then yes, you have a problem on your hands.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

This actually comes down to what you will tolerate.

We can't make people do what we want (well, with out a gun at least).

You can speak your peace and hope your spouse can understand the issue at hand.

If your spouse chooses to ignore, then you have to decide what are *you* going to do about the situation.


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

My husband and I have clear rules.

If it's a relationship that existed before we got together, most of the time it gets to stay. After all, if they wanted to be together, they would be, right? The only exception is if the 'friend' is trying to sabotage the relationship. Having a crush but going "I'm jealous, but happy you're happy" isn't sabotage in my opinion. However, I did ask my husband to cut off contact with an opposite sex friend who constantly badmouthed me. I don't expect to get on with all of his friends, but she was going too far. She was trying to break us up.

I'm of the opinion that you can't control who you're attracted to but you can control how you behave. If someone asked someone out, got turned down and continued to act like a friend, fair play to them.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

saubryn said:


> My husband and I have clear rules.
> 
> If it's a relationship that existed before we got together, most of the time it gets to stay. After all, if they wanted to be together, they would be, right? The only exception is if the 'friend' is trying to sabotage the relationship. Having a crush but going "I'm jealous, but happy you're happy" isn't sabotage in my opinion. However, I did ask my husband to cut off contact with an opposite sex friend who constantly badmouthed me. I don't expect to get on with all of his friends, but she was going too far. She was trying to break us up.
> 
> I'm of the opinion that you can't control who you're attracted to but you can control how you behave. If someone asked someone out, got turned down and continued to act like a friend, fair play to them.


I have no problem with OSFs, I have them and my wife does too. Any friend of mine who bad mouthed my wife to me, or anyone else, would be an ex-friends before she even knew about it let alone had to say anything.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

When my husband and I married 35 years ago, I left all the friendships with my male friends. I knew that they wanted more than just friendships. I kept only three of my best childhood female friends. My husband and I worked full-time. The only free time we had, was spent with each other and sometimes visiting our parents during the weekends. We did not stay overnight with parents as we lived only 1 hour from each set.

After a while, I drifted away from my female childhood friends as they too were working full-time and spent time with their single friends travelling or partying. Their lifestyles no longer fitted mine. We occasionally have them over for dinner or lunches at our house when I lived in my home state. Today, we keep in touch via Facebook as I moved two states away from them.

My husband and I have mutual associates as friends. Sometimes, I have lunch with my colleagues in a group setting. My husband and I have no problems with cheating as we both do not expose ourselves to situations where it can invite a cheating scenario. Making a living is a challenge in itself!


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Here is a situation which happened to my husband when we were dating, after we got engaged, and after we got married.

He became friends with a female neighbor of his shortly before we started dating. She became involved in a dating situation with a male friend of his who lived **and still lives** at the same apartment complex he lives at. One day she saw him at the mailbox, and she asked him to come over to her place because she needed his help with something regarding the guy she was involved with **my husband's male friend**.

So he went over to her place later that day. Turns out the guy did something that left her feeling violated while the two of them were alone at his place. She was very upset, and she asked my *now husband* for his help in understanding what happened as well as why it happened. He agreed to help her, but only as a friend.

She agreed, but the two of them were never on the same page regarding the friendship.

Here is why they were never on the same page...

During the early stage of our dating relationship, he called me one night around 9 p.m. to let me know that he had received a phone call from her asking him if he would meet her at the bus stop a couple of blocks from where both of them lived. Apparently she attended an activity sponsored by her church, and she missed the last bus that took her straight to the apartment complex. Even though there were family members of hers staying with her who could have picked her up at the bus stop, she wanted him to meet her at that bus stop. She said that she would call him once she got to the bus stop. So he met her at that bus stop and walked her home.

He gave her his cell phone number so she could reach him. He also showed her how to text.

Despite his telling her that he only wanted to be her friend, she began chasing him to get him to date her. Here is how she did this.


she invited him over to her place for dinner twice
she invited him over to her place to spend time alone with her on a continuous basis either to talk, watch tv, watch a movie or to help her with her homework
she wanted his help with her problems no matter what they were; one problem she wanted his help with was her mental health problems; she wanted his help in dealing with them
she would text him and call him on a constant basis... especially regarding her wanting his help with a problem

One particular situation that stood out was the second time he had dinner alone with her at her place. He called me to let me know what was happening. She wanted his help with her homework late at night. So he went over to help her. She also cooked dinner for the two of them. After he helped her with her homework, the two of them stayed up talking. Then she noticed it was 11 p.m. So she asked him if he wanted to sleep on her couch instead of his going back to his place late at night. He agreed. However, she had several kittens which kept him up. So he quietly left her place early in the morning and went to his place. The following morning she knocked on his door. She was pissed because he left her place. He told her why, but she would not accept his answer. 

Not long after that happened he introduced me to her. I could tell she was not happy meeting me. I found out from him that after she met me she asked him if the two of us were dating. He told her yes. Her answer was "she is not good enough for you." He told her that he had made the choice to date me. She did not say anything after that.

Then one day when he was visiting with her and her mom at her place, she went to get the mail. So he and her mom started talking. He let her know that he was dating someone, me. The first thing her mom asked him was "is she a Christian?" He said "no." Her answer was "well... then... we need to convert her." His answer was "that is my job to do." She said nothing after that.

However, her meeting me and being told that the two of us were dating did not stop her from chasing him. He let me know what was happening up front.

she began leaving her personal belongings at his place whenever she was at his place using his computer or needing his help with something. That included her underwear. She would tell him she needed to use his bathroom. The first time this happened, she left her bra on the floor. The second time this happened, she left her underwear on the floor. Both times he would go to use the bathroom after she left his place, and he would find her underwear on the floor. He called her both times to let her know that she had left her underwear. Her response was "I did not know that happened." He did not believe her.

she asked him to be the subject of her photo shoots for the photography class she was taking.

she would text him or call him while we were spending time alone at his place wanting his help with something.

When he let her know that he was going to propose marriage to me, her reply was "she is not good enough for you." He told her he already made the choice to propose to me. She said nothing after that. Later on we found out from the male friend of his whom she had a dating situation with that she had told him that she wanted to date my husband after he had told her that he was going to propose to me. He told her that my husband was off limits, but that did not stop her from repeating herself. 

I let my husband know that there needed to be some changes regarding their friendship at this point.


no spending time alone with each-other
no being the subject of her photo shoots
group like activities from now on

She did not like those changes. She still wanted things to be the way they were in the beginning. She could not and did not want to accept the changes, but it had to be that way.

This all happened between 2011 and 2012. 

We got married in 2013.

Due to her behavior, their friendship ended soon before we got married.

She moved out of the apartment complex we live at earlier this year.

She found him on Facebook, and she sent him a message stating that 1) she was sorry for her behavior during their friendship, 2) she was getting help for her problems, 3) her mom wants her to see a Christian counselor, and 4) she cannot be a friend of his.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> Supposed you have a spouse who has an OSF from before you started dating.
> 
> You come along and find the OSF relationship a bit "off" and then come to find out that your SPOUSE has no interest in the other person, however the other person has or had shown interest more than friends.
> 
> ...


NO..

No opposite sex friends that are looking to fvck my significant other.. There are no debates.. There are no discussions.. There are no compromises.. Don't even talk to me about how great this guy is.. The ONLY GREAT MEN are ME and Her FATHER in this relationship..

Oh, this guy is so great.. Then go fvck him instead of me.. 
I am a special snowflake and I am to be treated as such or I will go find someone else who can..

I heard al sharpton say one smart thing once.. He said the white man can no longer use the N WORD.. He has worn out his welcome using that word.. I told my GF that is pretty much how I stand on Guy Friends and her.. They just do not exist like unicorns..


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> NO..
> 
> No opposite sex friends that are looking to fvck my significant other.. There are no debates.. There are no discussions.. There are no compromises.. Don't even talk to me about how great this guy is.. The ONLY GREAT MEN are ME and Her FATHER in this relationship..
> 
> ...


Pretty much dead on. I know guys...having been one my entire life. I would not trust one of us....neither should a married but friendly female. 

Oh hell...best to not trust anyone ever. But then again -im jaded


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

So lets say you have a long term relationship. Say you have a partner who wants to keep the friendship and you KNOW without a doubt that the other person basically has hung around as a friend because of interest beyond friendship but never revealed it?

And let's say your partner either won't believe they are interested, or they know but feel since they aren't sexually attracted to them so why does it matter?

How do you handle it?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> So lets say you have a long term relationship. Say you have a partner who wants to keep the friendship and you KNOW without a doubt that the other person basically has hung around as a friend because of interest beyond friendship but never revealed it?
> 
> And let's say your partner either won't believe they are interested, or they know but feel since they aren't sexually attracted to them so why does it matter?
> 
> How do you handle it?


I've seen that work out okay, so long as your partner has *absolutely no* interest in the other person beyond being a friend, and you can rely on it *staying *that way.

Otherwise, it's very hazardous.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

technovelist said:


> I've seen that work out okay, so long as your partner has *absolutely no* interest in the other person beyond being a friend, and you can rely on it *staying *that way.
> 
> Otherwise, it's very hazardous.


Now let's say that same person messages your spouse somewhat frequently, and asks them to dinner or lunch?

You ok with 1:1 outings?

Interested in what you say is OK. Where is your line?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, dinner or lunch engagement, that is one to one, is called dating. Make it clear to your wife that you do not approve this type of meeting. If your wife respects you, she would not continue this behavior. 

My husband made it clear to me that meeting with single people in the opposite sex cannot be a "date". He even left his circle of childhood friends as his closest friends showed interest in me and my husband did not like it. I am not a flirt, but he clearly saw that his friends liked me more than just friends. I was quite pretty in my youth, but did not believe it. Now that I'm 57 years old, I can see what he saw from those bygone days through photographs. I was an eye candy. I'm happy with how I look today at my mature years; more distinguished.

If your wife cannot see what you see, perhaps you need to see a marriage therapist. This may help you in your relationship.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Now let's say that same person messages your spouse somewhat frequently, and asks them to dinner or lunch?
> 
> You ok with 1:1 outings?
> 
> Interested in what you say is OK. Where is your line?


So long as there is no interest in anything other than friendship on at least my spouse's side, and I could be sure that it would remain that way, I would be okay with it. I would also have to trust my spouse implicitly to tell me the truth, of course, but I think that is implied by my previous answers.

Of course others may have different answers, which I respect.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> OP, dinner or lunch engagement, that is one to one, is called dating. Make it clear to your wife that you do not approve this type of meeting. If your wife respects you, she would not continue this behavior.
> 
> My husband made it clear to me that meeting with single people in the opposite sex cannot be a "date". He even left his circle of childhood friends as his closest friends showed interest in me and my husband did not like it. I am not a flirt, but he clearly saw that his friends liked me more than just friends. I was quite pretty in my youth, but did not believe it. Now that I'm 57 years old, I can see what he saw from those bygone days through photographs. I was an eye candy. I'm happy with how I look today at my mature years; more distinguished.
> 
> If your wife cannot see what you see, perhaps you need to see a marriage therapist. This may help you in your relationship.


I posted as some of this happened to me with my ex fiancé. Red flags everywhere. I also agree what 1:1 stuff you may as well be dating.

But I'm curious how people handle such things. I do think when you start dating and the courtship moves into a committed couple that things need to change.

I'm not talking about OSF good vs bad but how people handled such cases. If your spouse does not agree that definitely becomes a bigger issue.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

jdawg2015 said:


> I posted as some of this happened to me with my ex fiancé. Red flags everywhere. I also agree what 1:1 stuff you may as well be dating.
> 
> But I'm curious how people handle such things. I do think when you start dating and the courtship moves into a committed couple that things need to change.
> 
> I'm not talking about OSF good vs bad but how people handled such cases. If your spouse does not agree that definitely becomes a bigger issue.


OP, my husband is a no nonsense guy. If I continued friendship with my male friends who were interested in me and went one to one outings with them, my husband would leave. He has no tolerance for drama.

When we were dating in college, another male student who showed much interest in me dared to put his arms around me. My husband told him to get his hands off his girlfriend. They almost got into a physical fight. He told me that he does not appreciate guys pawing all over me nor see me with other guys.

If my actions show disrespect to my husband, he would leave. The same rules apply to him as well. I would leave if I am disrespected. We are 35 years married (first time marriage for the both of us). Today, our bond is strong with mutual respect and love. We aimed to thrive not just survive.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Blokes don't sniff around other blokes girls unless they want something. Girls won't tolerate other blokes sniffing around unless the girl wants something. No OSF either way. If you are content, you simply don't need them or the complications.

Any bloke tolerating any of that ****e is a chump or, he's playing away himself. No exceptions.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

spunkycat08 said:


> Here is a situation which happened to my husband when we were dating, after we got engaged, and after we got married.
> 
> He became friends with a female neighbor of his shortly before we started dating. She became involved in a dating situation with a male friend of his who lived **and still lives** at the same apartment complex he lives at. One day she saw him at the mailbox, and she asked him to come over to her place because she needed his help with something regarding the guy she was involved with **my husband's male friend**.
> 
> ...


Why did he need to sleep on the couch when they were neighbors in the same apartment complex?

You must live in the biggest apartment complex on the planet. :smile2:


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> OP, dinner or lunch engagement, that is one to one, is called dating. Make it clear to your wife that you do not approve this type of meeting. If your wife respects you, she would not continue this behavior.


Dinner or lunch with a friend is dinner or lunch with a friend. A date is a date. The inability to differentiate between the two is a problem.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TAM2013 said:


> Blokes don't sniff around other blokes girls unless they want something. Girls won't tolerate other blokes sniffing around unless the girl wants something. No OSF either way. If you are content, you simply don't need them or the complications.
> 
> Any bloke tolerating any of that ****e is a chump or, he's playing away himself. No exceptions.


Many many many exceptions.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

WonkyNinja said:


> Dinner or lunch with a friend is dinner or lunch with a friend. A date is a date. The inability to differentiate between the two is a problem.


Wonky Ninja: write your own thread so that posters can hear your thoughts. It is apparent that you take a different view.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> Dinner or lunch with a friend is dinner or lunch with a friend. A date is a date. The inability to differentiate between the two is a problem.


Not if one party wants more than just friendship and the other party only wants friendship.

The party who wants more than just friendship considers any one on one time with their opposite sex friend as a date.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> Why did he need to sleep on the couch when they were neighbors in the same apartment complex?
> 
> You must live in the biggest apartment complex on the planet. :smile2:


Well...

Considering how pissy she was the day after due to the fact that he had left her place to go to his place early in the morning, both of us wondered what she was up to and what was going on in her mind at that time.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> So lets say you have a long term relationship. Say you have a partner who wants to keep the friendship and you KNOW without a doubt that the other person basically has hung around as a friend because of interest beyond friendship but never revealed it?
> 
> And let's say your partner either won't believe they are interested, or they know but feel since they aren't sexually attracted to them so why does it matter?
> 
> How do you handle it?


This gets crushed the minute you find out.. You don't drag it out.. You don't *"wait to see how it goes"*.

I went through this sh!t with my GF in the beginning of the relationship.. Her line was it upsets me that you don't trust me.. I can control this.. They can want to fvck me all they want.. It is up to me to let them fvck me..

The minute I tried to reverse the story around, she would say its different because men will fvck anything.. They don't know how to say no.. Even though she knows I have said no to other woman AND that I even said no to her..

End result I had to fvcking snap and storm out of her apartment to fix this..

Nutshell.. No, No, No and yet again a double NoNo....



Have all the opposite sex friends you want when your *SINGLE*.. 



But not in a *RELATIONSHIP*




People cheat without having ANY opposite sex friends.. 
Why in the world would I have someone right there waiting on the sidelines the minute something rocky happens in my relationship ??

If they want to cheat, let them cheat like everyone else.. Let them work at cheating.. Let them hide and sneak around and lie like every other cheating person.. Why the fvck would I invite this person in my house as a *"FRIEND" *to fvck my spouse right under my nose and then be okay with it because it's only John sitting on my couch when I come in the door from work.. 

Fix this sh!t now..


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> This gets crushed the minute you find out.. You don't drag it out.. You don't *"wait to see how it goes"*.
> 
> I went through this sh!t with my GF in the beginning of the relationship.. Her line was it upsets me that you don't trust me.. I can control this.. They can want to fvck me all they want.. It is up to me to let them fvck me.


I went through this and did exactly this. I basically put my foot down with a hard boundary. She did not like it, kept doing things that cross the line. Took me a while to accept what her answer was....

My mistake was taking too long to end things as I had truly fallen in love with her so I had to shake the emotions out to let her go.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Personal said:


> As long as "my" spouse has no (romantic and or sexual) interest in the other person, I wouldn't be particularly concerned.
> 
> Nor would I be worried if they were FB friends or texting either, I would only be concerned if such contact was excessive.
> 
> Disclaimer: I have plenty of opposite sex friends that I have known long before I met my wife, inclusive of a couple I have had sex with and another I have shared a bed yet not had sex with. None of them are or have ever been a threat to my marital relationship, so I am not inclined to having the default position that opposite sex friends are a threat to my relationship.


Personal, this is not about OSF it's about specifically how you handle the case where one of the OSF has or had clear interest in your partner. What boundaries and what is acceptable. I'm particularly interested in how people dealt with the OSF when one had clear interest.

I appreciate that you and your wife accept these types of friends. But I can't imagine how an ex lover would still be acceptable in a social circle like this. Having my ex gf or my partners ex bf in the social group just doesn't register in my head as anything I'd want.

The fact that you did have past sexual relations to me precludes the idea you did not have interest in that other person. My advice to you is live by the sword die by the sword.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Personal said:


> Those ex's for me are from a long time ago and I only see them once every 7-10 years and I only keep in occasional touch (as to any romantic interest I don't even keep letters or photos from past relationships when it's over it is thus), and with the other one that I am a lot closer with (my wife is also friends with her, plus she pegged us as a platonic friend the moment they met) her yet we will only see each other 2-5 times a year at the most, since finding the time isn't that easy even if we wanted to see each other more.
> 
> As to one getting too close who has an interest, I can relate that my wife knew one guy who showed an interest last year, so she got me to meet him which ended that interest quickly and I was nothing but really nice to him. Whereas there was another who is her only previous sexual partner who she dumped for me who every 6-7 years tries to contact her yet she always ignores him.
> 
> ...


OK, glad you posted this reply. As your posts had me believing that pretty much there was no boundaries you and your wife had.

My fiancé had a guy who texted her sunset pics at 12:30am. This guy had met me once before but she knew him before me. I think in her head she had no interest. I had major issue with the fact that she would not even acknowledge that there was even the slightest chance he was interested in her and that it was inappropriate.

The very infrequent message here or there I could handle. But meeting up 1:1 or messages becoming to frequent I would tell me partner that it has to end.

So can I assume if you tell your wife "not really digging that guy" that she gets the hint the first time and you don't have keep bring it up? Because a lot of TAM the issues are because the spouse is tone deaf.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Hardtohandle said:


> This gets crushed the minute you find out.. You don't drag it out.. You don't *"wait to see how it goes"*.
> 
> I went through this sh!t with my GF in the beginning of the relationship.. Her line was it upsets me that you don't trust me.*. I can control this.. *They can want to fvck me all they want.. It is up to me to let them fvck me..
> 
> ...


So it's ok for HER to control other people.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WonkyNinja said:


> Dinner or lunch with a friend is dinner or lunch with a friend. A date is a date. The inability to differentiate between the two is a problem.


This is the tyranny of labels. Just like our food gets labelled "all natural" and "farm fresh" we have learned that we need to dig deeper.

My (future) husband tried that with me. Shutting down all discussion because he wanted to convince me that she was "just" a friend and nothing more.

When I got a hold of the details, that's when we could have a productive discussion. And I was no longer going to allow myself to be in the one down position anymore.

If getting free meals, free taxi rides, and bar tabs closed for me and my friends is what I can expect by being "just friends" with you, then I wanted to be "just" a friend as well. And then like HER, I could still go out and **** other men because, after all, we're JUST friends like you are with her, right.

Well, that conversation shut down his "friendship" with her completely.

I don't trust labels anymore.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> So lets say you have a long term relationship. Say you have a partner who wants to keep the friendship and you KNOW without a doubt that the other person basically has hung around as a friend because of interest beyond friendship but never revealed it?
> 
> And let's say your partner either won't believe they are interested, or they know but feel since they aren't sexually attracted to them so why does it matter?
> 
> How do you handle it?


For me it needs to end. Why? Because friendships even innocent in nature can develope or evolve. The potential is always there. How many times do you see this happen? A lot!!!!!! So you don't go there. Period.

If you're smart.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> Dinner or lunch with a friend is dinner or lunch with a friend. A date is a date. The inability to differentiate between the two is a problem.


Famous last words. How many times does an affair develope from a seemingly innocent friendship? A lot! Something may not happen but in these instances it can. Why walk on the ledge? You'll eventually fall off.

You are very naive.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> When my husband and I married 35 years ago, I left all the friendships with my male friends. I knew that they wanted more than just friendships. I kept only three of my best childhood female friends. My husband and I worked full-time. The only free time we had, was spent with each other and sometimes visiting our parents during the weekends. We did not stay overnight with parents as we lived only 1 hour from each set.
> 
> After a while, I drifted away from my female childhood friends as they too were working full-time and spent time with their single friends travelling or partying. Their lifestyles no longer fitted mine. We occasionally have them over for dinner or lunches at our house when I lived in my home state. Today, we keep in touch via Facebook as I moved two states away from them.
> 
> My husband and I have mutual associates as friends. Sometimes, I have lunch with my colleagues in a group setting. My husband and I have no problems with cheating as we both do not expose ourselves to situations where it can invite a cheating scenario. Making a living is a challenge in itself!


If you're smart this is how you run a marriage. Roselyn is spot on here.

An affair can start with just an innocent phone call if you don't have boundaries. 

I never ever temp fate. Only naive people do.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I don't understand this debate. Why would a married/partnered person go on a 1:1 'outing' as in lunch, dinner or movie with an OSF.

I don't even believe in other sex friendships to tell you the truth. If there is a drive to see the person outside of work related or hobby related activity, there is probably some sort of attraction.

Why play with fire?

I don't have a single friend who would tolerate her H going on a outing with another woman. Friendships made during college with OSFs all sort of fizzled out as people got married..... Seems normal to me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We both have OSFs. Often we'll see them together, sometimes we'll see them 1:1. It's never been a problem, and I don't expect it will be. We have boundaries that are clear and consistent, but mostly we have trust and excellent communication. I have OSFs going back over 40 years, and some from within the last few years. If any tried to create a problem in my relationship, they'd no longer be friends. And we also feel that if someone has sufficient attraction to pull us away from each other, then go for it - we'd be done. We know how much we'd have to lose if we did act on it without permission*, so there is no temptation.

(* We have had a successful open relationship for over 15 years.)


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Omego said:


> I don't understand this debate. Why would a married/partnered person go on a 1:1 'outing' as in lunch, dinner or movie with an OSF.
> 
> I don't even believe in other sex friendships to tell you the truth. If there is a drive to see the person outside of work related or hobby related activity, there is probably some sort of attraction.
> 
> ...


It's not meant to be an OSF debate. I'm being specific. When there is the OSF that has shown attraction or started the "always thought we could have gone further" discussion I was curious how
people thought it should be handled.

Personally, I would cut then cold and would hope my spouse would as well. 

I am a traditional guy and will never accept a woman who wants to freely go out 1:1 with other men for lunch/dinners etc. 

But there was a case where my ex fiancé had a guy friend and then it was revealed (after we were together) that he actually had interest in her, all along. Having met him, it was blatantly obvious and when I told my then gf she said I was "crazy", "no way", etc. 

Prior to dating her they would exchange texts etc and then after we got is faded away. But he would still msg her at xmas, Chinese New Year, her bday, and was in her Facebook. My feeling at the time, especially once engaged was that the should be removed from FB, etc. Why keep him around at that point?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> It's not meant to be an OSF debate. I'm being specific. When there is the OSF that has shown attraction or started the "always thought we could have gone further" discussion I was curious how
> people thought it should be handled.
> 
> Personally, I would cut then cold and would hope my spouse would as well.


I agree. I have cut off contact in similar situations. Some people love/need the extra attention and validation, however.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> Personally, I would cut then cold and would hope my spouse would as well.
> 
> I am a traditional guy and will never accept a woman who wants to freely go out 1:1 with other men for lunch/dinners etc.


I'm 100% with you on all this. There is no room for close opposite sex friends in a committed relationship. I would be very insistent that the relationship end.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> So it's ok for HER to control other people.


Well *SHE *thinks she is controlling other people.. 

Personally I don't give a sh!t what she wants to call it.. It just isn't happening in this relationship.. 

But the GF had the typical beta orbiters.. 
They wanted to fvck her and she KNOWS how to play the game.. 
But again this isn't a game she is going to play with me in this relationship..


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