# HD female with uninterested husband...



## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

I've been married to my husband for almost 2 years. Since about 6 months into the marriage our sex life suddenly plummeted and has been frustratingly confusing ever since. I am passionate (have a pole for pole dancing, did burlesque for awhile) and initially respond to his declining interest with trying to "spice things up" (lingerie, blindfold). This did not work. He wouldn't get erect or would lose his erection during sex. Then we would both avoid it for awhile then I would try again, and this continued. I tried talking to him, being vulnerable and asking how I can help him to connect better. (Also, I am a therapist so open communication is kinda my jam). He would blame it on work, stress, etc. I would ask about his interests, what he wanted to try, I made lists about what I wanted to try. He won't give me any direction or indication of what he likes; he's gridlocked. I stayed optimistic and thought we could "problem solve." Here we are 1.5 years later and it's basically the same except I've stopped chasing, stopped trying. We have sex once every 14 days. I don't have an orgasm (ever). He initiates when I'm sleeping, lights are out, doesn't say anything or do anything new. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness. I don't think he has a problem with any of this. Meanwhile, I'm spiraling into depression and wondering what "connection" even means. Any feedback is appreciated. 

Oh, and I exercise daily, eat healthy, sleep well (except for bed anxiety, being close to someone that I am so disconnected from).


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

So how old is your husband?

How old are you?

What is his relationship background?

What is his health and weight like?

Are you fine with people being blunt and realistic with you?

Or do you prefer to only hear sugar coated advice?

Is your mental health more important than your marriage?

What outcome are you after?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

If you are lucky enough to get your H into the mindset to accept there is a problem and he that needs to communicate with the aim of mutual pleasure then you are still in for the long-haul of re-connection. It takes time and complete openness to change. 

You perhaps need to look after yourself, your sexual needs and mental health as a priority. What is stopping you from leaving?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Maybe your higher sex drive gives him a little bit of performance anxiety?

Can you think back to the 6 month point of your marriage and recall any incidents (no matter how minor) that may have impacted how he views sex with you?

I assume that, before that point, sex was good and you were being satisfied?


*ETA - when I started dating my now wife (who is not HD, btw) I wasn't used to sex with _her_, if that makes sense. The first several months, up to a year, were fine, as far as my performance goes. I just didn't think about it, because honestly, it was awesome. She was multi-orgasmic and sex was pretty intense, given that I had spent the previous 14 years with a relatively tame and unadventurous partner.

Then I got inside my own damn head. I went from a long time partner who wasn't orgasmic and with whom I simply wasn't a good sexual match, to someone who I could get off multiple times, quickly and easily, in a variety of ways. So the thought of failing to do so, all of a sudden, scared me. This snowballed into a period of several months where I'd lose my erection at times (it would come and go) and I'd have delayed orgasms, sometimes even giving up.

We did eventually talk about it - the elephant in the room - and I assured her it had nothing AT ALL to do with her. Obviously she felt that way, how could she not? Turns out, she didn't actually want a porn-star performance every time, and that it wasn't necessary at all, really. Like most women, she got off on ME getting off - not putting in all this effort and worrying about her having 4 or 5 O's per session. It had gotten to the point where, if she didn't O more than 2 or 3 times, I'd feel like I let her down. Boy, was I wrong.

And then boom - I stopped worrying about it and trying so hard. It went back to effortless sex, my erection came back, everything worked, etc. Sometimes she only wants one O, and I'm happy to oblige. Sometimes she just wants to be pounded, no foreplay. Sometimes she wants longer - but it's never about the number of O's she has any more. There are still times when she has 4, 5 (or more), but one is often enough.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How often does he view porn?

How old is he?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Get his testosterone levels checked. If he has normal levels of testosterone and still finds sex with you too daunting a task to participate in even when you initiate, then he has serious issues with sex that will require much work on his part to overcome. Testosterone is a powerful libido enhancer. If his hangups are strong enough to overcome standard MALE levels of testosterone then it will be difficult and likely painful for him to overcome them. If he doesn't want to do so, for his own eventual enjoyment and desire to feel "healthy" and "normal", then he likely will not succeed. If he doesn't overcome his hangups, your sex life will never be mutually satisfying. Get him tested. Pray his levels are low. Otherwise you have some very difficult choices to make.

Wish I could be more optimistic. I am in a sexless marriage and the pain is incredible. I don't want to see anyone else go through what I have been through.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> Any feedback is appreciated.


Most of the feedback you will get here are also folks with rather active libidos struggling with a spouse that has a rather inactive/reluctant libido. It ends up being like the blind trying to help lead the blind. So with disclaimer in mind, here is my advice...

Have open and honest discussions about each of your desired frequencies. One spouse may desire sex every day, while the other may only desire it once a month. Try to arrange an acceptable compromise understanding that it is equally as harmful to push someone for too much as it is to starve the other for too little. Then try and set things onto a schedule as this will help relieve anxiety for both of you regarding when you each need to set aside time for trying to connect physically. 

Scheduling may make things seem like duty sex, but it is much more about reducing anxiety for both of you. It is important not to build up or enjoy too much anticipation for the moments that sex is scheduled, but to focus more on communicating what it is your partner needs to feel loved leading up to that moment. 

Aside from that, it is important to try and make sure that the mood during the moment leans more towards having fun and being playful. Trying to be too serious and emotional can easily cause your partner to loose their mojo in the event they are having trouble letting go of distracting thoughts and emotions from earlier in the day. Playfulness is much more helpful for helping let go of a stressful day and gearing up to have a good time. I personally have to take this part to extremes of shock and awe on our scheduled days, as my wife seems perpetually stressed with family drama and work. Not too long ago, (starting with a few drinks before hand) I got a few sonic humidifiers and hid them just behind the headboard of the bed. I had them set on a switch to come on by surprise which made a cloud of fog roll across the bed. I combined that with some laser disco lighting and silly music I had queued up on some bluetooth speakers. When I did this my wife died laughing, and I started dancing in the bed in a way that was ridiculously overconfident and silly. 

My point being is that sometimes you each need to try and completely escape from your everyday life before you can let loose, have fun, and enjoy connecting with one another. 

So now when it is our scheduled day, my wife goes through the day giggling because she knows I am going to do something ludicrous at some point in the event things just don't happen naturally. I can just raise one eyebrow and tell her not to worry, that I have some backup plans for the evening if we need it! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Get him some generic Cialis online for less than $1 a pill. I don't have ED but damn does it make me hard like when I was 18 again. I take it every once in a while, especially on Friday night before a "busy" weekend. 
Might be the boost he needs to get his confidence back. If that doesn't work, he either is gay or not attracted to you. 

Tell us his age and weight and if he exercises.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Please read the thread titled: "LD Husband Journal" That thread contains similar difficulties as you are having. Lots of good advice contained in that thread.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Mismatched levels of sexual desire are common (you will find lots of threads here) and can be really miserable. 

In cases where one partner never had much desire, these situations rarely get better. In your case though it sounds like he desire earlier but lost it. That means its possible things could improve. 

First, have you looked into "external" effect.

Any medical / health / weight issues for either of you?
Is he on any medication. Some medications can really kill someone's sex drive
Any major sources of stress for him: job? family? etc?

If none of those is an issue, then some other things to consider:

Are you trying to get pregnant? If so, is he fully on board with that?

Any chance he pretended interest in sex in order to marry you but really has very little true interest. (men can bait / switch just like some women do)? Any chance he is gay and was pretending (to himself?) to be interested?

Porn addiction? That can happen even with active sex lives.

It sounds like you are the more passionate / adventurous one, but are there any sexual activities that he wants that you don't want to do (whether or not these are reasonable requests).

Is he insecure? Any chance he is intimidated by your interest in sex?

Did this start with ED? Its possible he had ED (happens randomly to some men), and that has made him avoid sex. In the past was he willing to do things other than intercourse to please you?


In general when you do have sex (or did in the past) does he try to please you? Did he do things to give you an O in the past? Is your lack of O now due to his not trying, or is it just difficult for you.


You have my sympathy, being in a LD/HD relationship is really difficult as many of us know first hand. I really don't think a relationship can be happy without a good sex life. Don't do like I did and wait 30 years hoping it will get better, then realize that its too late to change.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> How often does he view porn?
> 
> How old is he?


I find the porn issues(as read in other posts containing similar sex issues) is usually killing good times in the bedroom. Spouse is busy self-satisfying to porn. No need to take it to the bedroom because the deed is done via a pixel picture video.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

hope you respond and he understands how good he has it.

I wish you could talk to my wife.

I wish she would try to start something.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Boy I bet her private message inbox is full after that intro....lol


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> Get his testosterone levels checked. If he has normal levels of testosterone and still finds sex with you too daunting a task to participate in even when you initiate, then he has serious issues with sex that will require much work on his part to overcome. Testosterone is a powerful libido enhancer. If his hangups are strong enough to overcome standard MALE levels of testosterone then it will be difficult and likely painful for him to overcome them. If he doesn't want to do so, for his own eventual enjoyment and desire to feel "healthy" and "normal", then he likely will not succeed. If he doesn't overcome his hangups, your sex life will never be mutually satisfying. Get him tested. Pray his levels are low. Otherwise you have some very difficult choices to make.
> 
> Wish I could be more optimistic. I am in a sexless marriage and the pain is incredible. I don't want to see anyone else go through what I have been through.


I second getting TLvls checked.

I know with me when my TLvls started dropping there were periods that I still wanted sex.
Most men get real embarrassed because they can't figure out why they no longer have a drive nor desire for sex. That might be why he's approaching sex with you the way that he is.

Have him go to his pcp and get his TLvls checked. If the doctor gives him any issues, have him tell the doctor he no longer wants sex. The doctor will more than likely schedule a blood draw that day.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

Personal said:


> So how old is your husband?
> 
> How old are you?
> 
> ...


I and 29 and he is 30. We are both average weight, go to the gym 4-6 times per month. He's not open about past experiences so I know nothing about exes or past flings, sexual encounters. I am fairly certain I am more experienced than he is though; I've been married before and have had many past partners. I would prefer blunt feedback for sure. Mental health or my marriage??? Eeeshhh, I don't know. I'm hoping to find some sort of compromise or level of acceptance....


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

peacem said:


> If you are lucky enough to get your H into the mindset to accept there is a problem and he that needs to communicate with the aim of mutual pleasure then you are still in for the long-haul of re-connection. It takes time and complete openness to change.
> 
> You perhaps need to look after yourself, your sexual needs and mental health as a priority. What is stopping you from leaving?


We went to couples counseling a few times (a year ago?)when he could see I was really depressed. I told him that it affected me so much that I was having a difficult time functioning in other aspects of my life. However, the focus shifted from my needs to my depression and it never really got addressed...

He is the main financial support (a doctor), we have 3 kids... I don't want to give up yet.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

alexm said:


> Maybe your higher sex drive gives him a little bit of performance anxiety?
> 
> Can you think back to the 6 month point of your marriage and recall any incidents (no matter how minor) that may have impacted how he views sex with you?
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I can see that what you've described could potentially be the case... I don't know what happened at that 6 month mark (except we started to spend a lot of time together, basically moved in). Before that, we our sex was completely different. He was aggressive, would go for a long time, lots of foreplay and talking. Then BOOM, nothing. Just under the covers with the lights out, 10 min max, and often losing erections. When we've talked about it, he's said things like "I want it to be organic", "I don't want you to think I'm only doing this because you're telling me too." Maybe he feels pressured?


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> How often does he view porn?
> 
> How old is he?


To my knowledge, he watches porn maybe once every 2-3 days. Oddly, he doesn't like to "watch" but listens to sex talk stuff (instructional, I think?)

He's 30.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> Get his testosterone levels checked. If he has normal levels of testosterone and still finds sex with you too daunting a task to participate in even when you initiate, then he has serious issues with sex that will require much work on his part to overcome. Testosterone is a powerful libido enhancer. If his hangups are strong enough to overcome standard MALE levels of testosterone then it will be difficult and likely painful for him to overcome them. If he doesn't want to do so, for his own eventual enjoyment and desire to feel "healthy" and "normal", then he likely will not succeed. If he doesn't overcome his hangups, your sex life will never be mutually satisfying. Get him tested. Pray his levels are low. Otherwise you have some very difficult choices to make.
> 
> Wish I could be more optimistic. I am in a sexless marriage and the pain is incredible. I don't want to see anyone else go through what I have been through.


I'll suggest the testosterone test... however, if that's not the case I don't think he's willing to work on himself enough to "figure it out." Mostly bc I think he sees ME as the problem; that my expectations are unrealistic, that OF COURSE MARRIED PEOPLE DONT HAVE SEX.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

ButtPunch said:


> Boy I bet her private message inbox is full after that intro....lol


Lol, just one message


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> peacem said:
> 
> 
> > If you are lucky enough to get your H into the mindset to accept there is a problem and he that needs to communicate with the aim of mutual pleasure then you are still in for the long-haul of re-connection. It takes time and complete openness to change.
> ...


If he's a doctor, he should know all about testosterone levels!!!


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


> gingerlyjane said:
> 
> 
> > Any feedback is appreciated.
> ...


Thank you for the input. We've had many of those "talks" where I make suggestions, especially scheduling it in... he says sex shouldn't be a chore and that he wants it to happen organically. I wish I could find the strength to be a risk taker like you've been, but I've lost it. Like, when I've tried things in the past, it's been rejected and I feel like I can't try anymore. If I could pursue this with humor and light heartedness, I probably wouldn't feel so torn up... but I don't know if I can. I can barely smile around him bc that resentment is still building up for me.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

Livvie said:


> gingerlyjane said:
> 
> 
> > peacem said:
> ...


I know right?! I've never suggested he get tested bc I assumed he would know...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You will likely have to accept that this situation won't get much better. Some guys are just LD and don't care. Trying to accept it is hard and can lead to resentment and wasting a lot of your life. 

I'd start the process of becoming independent so you have the choice to leave when you feel it has come to it. Last thing you want is to feel stuck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You may be right, but the ray of hope for the OP is that he used to be interested and sexually active. Unless he was just "faking" in order to get married (bait / switch from him), then maybe he can become that way again if they can figure out what changed. 

Otherwise though, I agree with you that spending your life in a marriage with a bad sex life is not a good plan. 




SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You will likely have to accept that this situation won't get much better. Some guys are just LD and don't care. Trying to accept it is hard and can lead to resentment and wasting a lot of your life.
> 
> I'd start the process of becoming independent so you have the choice to leave when you feel it has come to it. Last thing you want is to feel stuck.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Mismatched levels of sexual desire are common (you will find lots of threads here) and can be really miserable.
> 
> In cases where one partner never had much desire, these situations rarely get better. In your case though it sounds like he desire earlier but lost it. That means its possible things could improve.
> 
> ...


He was on Concerta, stopped after completing residency program. Generally no major stressors, we don't argue. He is not at all open about what he likes sexually. He is a very private person... tends to be a listener but never talks about himself. He helps everyone, rarely asks for help. I don't think he's gay (I've asked if that was the problem before). He is easily uncomforatble, I've noticed he does not make eye contact with attractive women. He could be described as quirky but it is well hidden by his attractiveness and witty humour.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

gingerlyjane said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > Mismatched levels of sexual desire are common (you will find lots of threads here) and can be really miserable.
> ...


I guess I should add to this... 

Initially he was very explorative with me, willing to do other things besides penetration. That died down as well... sex became a very straightforward act. We went to bed, lights out, do the deed without any touching, the end. About a year ago, around the same time as we started counseling, I suggested that we have an open relationship. He said he was not comfortable with that and said he would do anything to avoid splitting up or going outside of the marriage to get our needs met. He suggested he perform oral every night for a week for 30 min. I don't think either of us enjoyed that. I certainly didn't... it just felt... icky. Like the whole time I was just waiting for it to be over bc there was no connection with it. Since then, he hasn't attempted this or any other kind of foreplay.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

I do want to thank all of you for responding. I'm not hopeful that our situation will change. Although I want intimacy and connection, I don't feel emotionally safe giving it to my husband. So I'm left craving something that even if I got it, I wouldn't feel good doing it. I don't know what it would take for me to feel differently. I feel like we are strangers. And I don't think he will change. So what's next? Has anyone ever moved on from this point to a more satisfied place? How did you do it?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Can you correlate anything with when explorative sex stopped? Was it sudden, or a slow decline? To me this seems a really important question - can you figure out what changed?





gingerlyjane said:


> I guess I should add to this...
> 
> Initially he was very explorative with me, willing to do other things besides penetration. That died down as well... sex became a very straightforward act. We went to bed, lights out, do the deed without any touching, the end. About a year ago, around the same time as we started counseling, I suggested that we have an open relationship. He said he was not comfortable with that and said he would do anything to avoid splitting up or going outside of the marriage to get our needs met. He suggested he perform oral every night for a week for 30 min. I don't think either of us enjoyed that. I certainly didn't... it just felt... icky. Like the whole time I was just waiting for it to be over bc there was no connection with it. Since then, he hasn't attempted this or any other kind of foreplay.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I suggest that you try to improve things - but give yourself a deadline. If the problem is not fixed in say 6 months, then ask for an equitable divorce.

Don't threaten divorce, and don't back down once you ask for one. One common pattern in LD/HD relationships is that when the LD realizes that the HD may leave, they start having enthusiastic sex again - but only until the crisis passes then it tapers off again. Trust me, you don't want to get in to that miserable cycle. 



gingerlyjane said:


> I do want to thank all of you for responding. I'm not hopeful that our situation will change. Although I want intimacy and connection, I don't feel emotionally safe giving it to my husband. So I'm left craving something that even if I got it, I wouldn't feel good doing it. I don't know what it would take for me to feel differently. I feel like we are strangers. And I don't think he will change. So what's next? Has anyone ever moved on from this point to a more satisfied place? How did you do it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to a thread on the topic of women with husbands who have little interest in sex with their wife. Read at least the first page or so and it provides some resources that you might find helpful.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

gingerlyjane said:


> Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I can see that what you've described could potentially be the case... I don't know what happened at that 6 month mark (except we started to spend a lot of time together, basically moved in). Before that, we our sex was completely different. He was aggressive, would go for a long time, lots of foreplay and talking. Then BOOM, nothing. Just under the covers with the lights out, 10 min max, and often losing erections. When we've talked about it, he's said things like "I want it to be organic", "I don't want you to think I'm only doing this because you're telling me too." Maybe he feels pressured?


Well, to use my relationship as an example again, a similar thing happened to my wife once we moved in. Before that, sex was great, "organic", more frequent, more reckless, etc. This was after I got my mojo back.

The instant we moved in together, it changed. Not 'under the covers, lights out', but darn close. There was a period of several years there were it was literally just Saturday nights (usually around the same time) and only in bed. All other times (and places) were off limits to not just sex, but flirting, talking about it, etc. The sex was still good, though - it was just same day, same time, same place, and then "til next week". And despite doors being close, and kids being in bed with their own doors closed, there were no more noises being made. It was silent sex.

Things have changed, and only fairly recently. I had grudgingly accepted it for a long time - she knew I wasn't thrilled with it. The nutshell version is that I simply no longer accepted it. I started 'skipping' Saturday nights once in a while, and I started taking her on other days. Not caveman-style, but more non-aggressive "taking" her. If it was a hard "no", I'd just accept it and move on (no pouting, no being upset, just "okay, no worries!").

Not sure if this has been covered (I'm a page behind this thread), but for the times that he loses his mojo, do you guys continue? Does he ensure you're satisfied? Or do the two of you just give up?

My ex wife never once achieved clitoral or vaginal orgasm with me - had nothing to do with my skills, we just weren't compatible. I could get her off via her Gspot, however. But once she discovered vibrators mid-way through our relationship, she'd default to that to finish herself off. I can't say it hurt me, but it definitely didn't make me feel great about our sex life... We'd do what we'd do, and once we (I) were done, out came her toy. While it wasn't unhealthy, and it seems that it's not all that uncommon, there was still a tiny little voice in the back of my head that told me I was a failure. Not loud enough to keep me from having sex with her - she still wanted it, she just couldn't finish without a toy.

Some men really can't handle that sort of thing, however. Even though it's not their "fault" their partner requires some extra stimulation to O, it's hard to not see it that way.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You will likely have to accept that this situation won't get much better. Some guys are just LD and don't care. Trying to accept it is hard and can lead to resentment and wasting a lot of your life.
> 
> I'd start the process of becoming independent so you have the choice to leave when you feel it has come to it. Last thing you want is to feel stuck.


I would normally agree, but in this case (like many others) the "LD" person was not, in fact, LD to begin with. Certainly doesn't sound like he was, according to OP.

This sounds more like anxiety-driven loss of libido.

When this sort of thing happens (to men or to women) it's often brushed aside, as they feel they can "figure it out on my own" (this is probably worse in men!).

I doubt very much that he doesn't care. Probably quite the opposite. But the more he stresses about it, the more the anxiety takes hold, and around you go in this big circle.

I think when he says he wants it to happen "more organically", he likely means "with less thought". He wants it to just happen, thus relieving the stress, and not having to think about it.

When I went through my own little period of this, all I could think of was "okay, don't lose it, don't lose it, don't lose it... keep going... DAMMIT"

As I said, it took my wife to tell me to stop worrying about her and focus on me. Most of my focus was on pleasing her. I set the bar quite high right after our first time together. She came 5 times. That made me feel good, and she made me feel like a stud. Like I said, I was coming from a partner who couldn't orgasm even once with me. Nobody had ever paid that much attention to her, and she was over the moon. Her last partner before me (an LTR) was a selfish lover, apparently. She said she was lucky if she had one orgasm, let alone multiples.

So the bar was set high (by me only, it turns out). Every time we had sex, I felt like I had to hit that standard. She enjoyed it for a long time, but less so once it was clear it was all about her. That led to decreased excitement on her part, which led to frustration on mine, and so on. She had to teach me, literally, to enjoy _myself_ during sex, and not to focus only on her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> Thank you for the input. We've had many of those "talks" where I make suggestions, especially scheduling it in... *he says sex shouldn't be a chore and that he wants it to happen organically.* I wish I could find the strength to be a risk taker like you've been, but I've lost it. Like, when I've tried things in the past, it's been rejected and I feel like I can't try anymore. If I could pursue this with humor and light heartedness, I probably wouldn't feel so torn up... but I don't know if I can. I can barely smile around him bc that resentment is still building up for me.


Originally when my wife and I were struggling to find a compromise, she made that exact same argument and blamed me for not being spontaneous enough. So we talked and I explained that since my libido was much more active and flexible than hers, that she if she wanted things to be natural and spontaneous I would be very happy to do that. As for making that happen, I explained to her that because I was honoring her wishes that I not "always" be making sexual advances to her so that she can enjoy some "needed space" where I am not pressuring things, that SHE would be the one that would need to come to me and let me know that I can begin pursuing her. Otherwise I would be limiting myself to nonsexual intimacy (talking, hugging, back rubs, etc) ONLY and NOT expecting anything else to happen. Once I put it that way, it started to paint a clear picture.

About half the time we deviate from our planned schedule. Since my wife is the one with the less active libido she enjoys letting me know when to start being a little extra playful and to seize a moment. If nothing happens naturally, then we fall back on our scheduled day and make it happen. 

So explain to your husband if he wants things to happen naturally, that making that happen will have to be HIS objective! Because at the moment for you it is just not happening.

Some insight into your other posts, is that you husband may be lacking in his confidence. Especially if you have had an active past, he may feel as though you expect him to be better than the rest. Make it a point to share some stories about your past, but only highlight the ones that went horribly wrong and embellish a little! In my marriage as far as my wife is concerned, all my past girlfriends in college were extraordinarily clumsy, and resulted in any intimacy feeling very awkward and painful for me. My wife also thinks I am the world's worst at trying to masturbate as if she is the ONLY one that really knows how to touch me. 

So if your confidence is all messed up, refocus your efforts on playfully building your husband's confidence. If you do it right, you'll create a monster!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

gingerlyjane said:


> I don't think he's gay (I've asked if that was the problem before). .





gingerlyjane said:


> About a year ago, around the same time as we started counseling, I suggested that we have an open relationship. He said he was not comfortable with that and said he would do anything to avoid splitting up or going outside of the marriage to get our needs met. .


Whoa here.

Time line and its relevance to when sex stopped.

If you have suggested he was gay then you follow it up with a a request for an open relationship - aw hell naw, there are going to be major issues with ever having sex again with him.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> * I suggested that we have an open relationship.* He said he was not comfortable with that and said he would do anything to avoid splitting up or going outside of the marriage to get our needs met. He suggested he perform oral every night for a week for 30 min. I don't think either of us enjoyed that. I certainly didn't... it just felt... icky. Like the whole time I was just waiting for it to be over bc there was no connection with it. Since then, he hasn't attempted this or any other kind of foreplay.


*OUCH!!!*

OK so your husband is really trying and willing to put forth some effort to please you. In the meantime you probably are looking for a much different kind of sexual validation than what he thinks you need.

If you need a strong "connection" with him, suggesting that you have an open relationship would seem to indicate that you are better at connecting sexually with strangers. If there is any truth in that, a psychology book would indicate that that you are unable to be vulnerable when you are with your husband perhaps because you actually care about what he thinks of you. Meanwhile with a stranger, you can be completely vulnerable because you do not care what that person thinks about you and therefor any negative reaction or rejection is meaningless. On the other hand, if you tried to sincerely initiate or be aggressive with your husband and he rejected that, you fear it would hurt too much. 

If he is willing to give you oral sex everyday, and that makes you feel icky. Those icky feeling are likely coming from within because you are afraid to let your husband see you enjoying yourself again out of fear he will judge you for being hyper sexual. Meanwhile he just cares about you and is trying to save your marriage. 

If you are going to improve your marriage, you seriously need to work on taking responsibility for your own sexual pleasure and "share" that with your husband. That means you do not expect him to give you pleasure, but you find it from within and let him see that while being together. You also seriously need to work on finding ways to build each other's confidence.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

You mentioned that he viewed porn every 2 - 3 days in a previous post. Have you ever confirmed (not just guessed) what his motivation is for viewing porn? Maybe he has a fetish that he is ashamed about. You said yourself that he is generally not open in communication. The fact that he prefers intimacy with the lights out would seem to psychologically support that there's something about sex that suddenly needed to kept hidden. Maybe you could speak with him along those lines (or better yet, check his browser history) to get an idea. Then (assuming it isn't something wrong or extreme) offer to view it with him. It could turn you both on and lead to a physical bonding experience. If this is the case, and it is a fetish he's ashamed about, maybe he'll then see that he doesn't need to hide this from you and start to be more open and physically nurturing towards you in the long term...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What was the order in which problems developed? Did is start with him having ED and the he lost interest, or did he start to lose interest first?


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

alexm said:


> gingerlyjane said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I can see that what you've described could potentially be the case... I don't know what happened at that 6 month mark (except we started to spend a lot of time together, basically moved in). Before that, we our sex was completely different. He was aggressive, would go for a long time, lots of foreplay and talking. Then BOOM, nothing. Just under the covers with the lights out, 10 min max, and often losing erections. When we've talked about it, he's said things like "I want it to be organic", "I don't want you to think I'm only doing this because you're telling me too." Maybe he feels pressured?
> ...


It sounds like our situations are similar... I really think that when we started to move in, that's when it became more stagnant. It could be that he didn't have his "personal space"; as in, you can't desire what you already have and I became easily accessible. Or it could be that he had decided at that point he needed to take on "Dad role" with my two sons (their dad is not in their lives). And maybe "Dad & Mom" roles aren't compatible with crazy sex. 
To address the O and vibrator situation.... prior to these past maybe 3 months, I wouldn't bring my toys into bed. Well, I had tried at one point (6 months ago maybe), like masturbating in front of him before we got to it, and he took the toy and set it aside. So I hadn't taken it out since then, until about 3 months ago. I wasn't having O with him anymore, although in the beginning of relationship I would have multiples. When I had stopped having O with him, I knew it was bc I need mental stimulation to get in the mood. I like talking, teasing, role play and that gets me there more than any "technique." I made a list called my "**** it List" (like Bucket List but with sex stuff) that had things I really wanted to try or things I had fantasizes about; nothing too crazy but just wanted to give him some ideas and see what he might be interested in trying. I asked what sounded good to him. He said "I don't know." He wouldn't touch the subject. That was when I gave up with trying to spice it up and I started bringing the toy to bed. And yes, after we had sex I would get off with my vibrator. I stopped having orgasms with him and would count on myself. I'm sure that didn't help his ego but I was sick of faking and being left disappointed.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

alexm said:


> SlowlyGoingCrazy said:
> 
> 
> > You will likely have to accept that this situation won't get much better. Some guys are just LD and don't care. Trying to accept it is hard and can lead to resentment and wasting a lot of your life.
> ...


I also think this is relevant. I know he's more of a "pleaser" and I don't feel like he really gets in the mood... like passionate, I want to eat you up, can't stand to not have you mood. I FEEL like it's bc he doesn't want me that bad; but maybe it's that he's focused on me instead of what he wants? How do I get him out of his head? I guess I could flip the tables and say that I'm only allowed to please him... that maybe for 2 weeks I want to make it abut his please and he has to tell me what he wants? I'm actually fine with that bc I'm more of a pleaser myself; I'm turned on when I know I can turn someone else on.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Independent of what else is going on, to me this sounds like he is fairly low libido. 

Most high libido men LOVE to watch their partners masturbate - as long as the get to have fun afterwards too. 


OTOH, if early on you were having multiple O's, and that stopped, was it because he was doing something different or were you just not as mentally turned on? Is is possible that he felt inadequate because you were no longer getting off from sex with him? That could lead to a bad positive feedback. 



gingerlyjane said:


> snip
> 
> To address the O and vibrator situation.... prior to these past maybe 3 months, I wouldn't bring my toys into bed. Well, I had tried at one point (6 months ago maybe), like masturbating in front of him before we got to it, and he took the toy and set it aside. So I hadn't taken it out since then, until about 3 months ago. I wasn't having O with him anymore, although in the beginning of relationship I would have multiples. When I had stopped having O with him, I knew it was bc I need mental stimulation to get in the mood. I like talking, teasing, role play and that gets me there more than any "technique." I made a list called my "**** it List" (like Bucket List but with sex stuff) that had things I really wanted to try or things I had fantasizes about; nothing too crazy but just wanted to give him some ideas and see what he might be interested in trying. I asked what sounded good to him. He said "I don't know." He wouldn't touch the subject. That was when I gave up with trying to spice it up and I started bringing the toy to bed. And yes, after we had sex I would get off with my vibrator. I stopped having orgasms with him and would count on myself. I'm sure that didn't help his ego but I was sick of faking and being left disappointed.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


> gingerlyjane said:
> 
> 
> > * I suggested that we have an open relationship.* He said he was not comfortable with that and said he would do anything to avoid splitting up or going outside of the marriage to get our needs met. He suggested he perform oral every night for a week for 30 min. I don't think either of us enjoyed that. I certainly didn't... it just felt... icky. Like the whole time I was just waiting for it to be over bc there was no connection with it. Since then, he hasn't attempted this or any other kind of foreplay.
> ...


On vulnerability, connectedness, strangers, etc.....
My husband is the first person that I have EVER been truly vulnerable with. Sex prior to him was based on fun, and being free. It was an opportunity to escape the confines of everyday existence bc you can say, do, be anything. To me, sex=freedom. When we started having problems in the bedroom, it became clear that sex was not freeing between us. For example, one time I accidentally touched him on his thigh with my foot and he lost his erection, saying he wasn't in the mood anymore. Another time he seemed really distant, not looking at me or engaging at all and I looked him in the eyes and asked if everything was ok and he said "Don't do that, don't ask that while we're doing it." So while I was wanting to maintain that freeing experience while being vulnerable with this person I care about, I was shut out. The wall was up and I couldn't get through. Me suggesting open relationship cane at a time when we were having sex 1 a month and not talking to one another at all. I had exhausted everything I could think of in order to get him to meet me halfway with this... it was very much a "pursuer, distancer" dynamic. It may not have been the best approach, it may have done more harm than good, but I felt so starved for a connection and also felt so hopeless that I assumed we would both have to go outside of the marriage to find that connection. To me, if we aren't intimate (not just in sex but in being open and honest) then why'd the point? That's the foundation of a relationship, in my mind anyway. I think in his mind the foundation is commitment, consistency, so maybe I did screw up with that suggestion.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> You mentioned that he viewed porn every 2 - 3 days in a previous post. Have you ever confirmed (not just guessed) what his motivation is for viewing porn? Maybe he has a fetish that he is ashamed about. You said yourself that he is generally not open in communication. The fact that he prefers intimacy with the lights out would seem to psychologically support that there's something about sex that suddenly needed to kept hidden. Maybe you could speak with him along those lines (or better yet, check his browser history) to get an idea. Then (assuming it isn't something wrong or extreme) offer to view it with him. It could turn you both on and lead to a physical bonding experience. If this is the case, and it is a fetish he's ashamed about, maybe he'll then see that he doesn't need to hide this from you and start to be more open and physically nurturing towards you in the long term...


It's confirmed that he watches once every 2-3 days. Only when he's driving to work, and like I said previously, he "listens" to instructionals rather than "watching." Usually it's clothed female stuff. I've though about making my own (similar) videos for him, but I'm discouraged bc I've sent him nude photos before and he doesn't respond to that. (Literally, he had nothing to say after the many times I've sent him pics). I've put on my type of porn in the bedroom and he was ok with that, although I'll admit I was slightly uncomfortable (didn't finish) bc I know he's not into what I like.


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> What was the order in which problems developed? Did is start with him having ED and the he lost interest, or did he start to lose interest first?


Timeline:
1.) dating, crazy sex, lots of places and very flirty/playful
2.) he meets my kids, we start spending almost every night together. Sex starts to get tame.
3.) not long after, he starts to lose erection during sex. We don't continue when this happens. We get quiet and don't address it. I ask if everything is ok, he says he's tired. This happens a few times.
4.) we move in together officially, I start trying new things: lingerie, dancing, tying up. I'm hoping he gets "excited," tells me what he likes/doesn't like. He doesn't; he shuts down/pulls away more. At this point he made a comment about me being a "sex addict" then said he was joking.
5.) I shut down, give up. I pull away, don't try anything new and give him space.
6.) Sex dwindles down lower, becomes the same thing each time, no touching, no foreplay, no talking, no lights. 
7.) I try the "talk approach" by asking what I can do for him, what he wants to try, I start to open myself up again. He doesn't reciprocate authentically; we have slightly more frequent sex but it's awkward. Neither of us fully enjoy, he gets off but I don't and at this point I stopped faking O. 
8.) I make my list of things I want to try , send him pics, feel sexually "charged." I dont get the response I want; I want him to jump into passion, instead he backs away.
9.) I go "crazy" at this point. Asked him if he's gay, if he's not attracted to me, if he wants open relationship. I fall apart emotionally. Tell him I can't have sex with him anymore bc I feel really bad and empty after. We stop for about 2 months.
10.) he suggests giving me oral every night for a week, thinking it would get us back in the "mood."
11.) we get back to having sex, it's not terrible but not great. I don't O but I'm trying to be happy and nice and be thankful for other aspects of our marriage. 
12.) I get frustrated with never having O, then start using vibrator.
13.) we get to where we are now... nothing. I'm angry and hurt, he's either oblivious or doesn't care.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> . Me suggesting open relationship cane at a time when we were having sex 1 a month and not talking to one another at all. I had exhausted everything I could think of in order to get him to meet me halfway with this... it was very much a "pursuer, distancer" dynamic. It may not have been the best approach, it may have done more harm than good, but I felt so starved for a connection and also felt so hopeless that I assumed we would both have to go outside of the marriage to find that connection. To me, if we aren't intimate (not just in sex but in being open and honest) then why'd the point? That's the foundation of a relationship, in my mind anyway. I think in his mind the foundation is commitment, consistency, so maybe I did screw up with that suggestion.


It is a total mind**** for men when they can't maintain an erection and the satisfaction of their partner is completely dependent on having one.

How excited would you be to do something when the risk of failure was high and the other's happiness was dependent on your success? Let's say that you used to bowl and did a perfectly fine job. Now, all of a sudden, you're throwing gutterballs and can't figure out why (and you can only practice during competitive games when your teammates are depending on you). 

Now, on top of that, you're playing on a new team and it becomes apparent that they're more capable than your previous teammates and their happiness is very dependent on "winning" (you've changed from a recreational league where everyone just likes hanging out to a league that is very competitive).

He, no doubt knows that he's the problem. But who wants to admit that?

The mean thing he's doing is trying to tag YOU as being the source of the problem.

Assuming that he was interested in bowling and was fairly good at it once upon a time, he needs to admit that he's the source of the problem, not you or your behavior.

You need to take as much pressure off him as possible and be very understanding. Let him know that what you care about the most is his making an effort to resolve the issue. Let him know that you understand what an impossible situation this is for him, that you sympathize and are willing to do whatever you can to help.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> I've though about making my own (similar) videos for him, but I'm discouraged bc I've sent him nude photos before and he doesn't respond to that. (Literally, he had nothing to say after the many times I've sent him pics). I've put on my type of porn in the bedroom and he was ok with that, although I'll admit I was slightly uncomfortable (didn't finish) bc I know he's not into what I like.


Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing the above (or wanting to do the above), in this case you're simply applying more pressure to perform.

When I had problems with erections, knowing how much it meant to her made things worse.

It's kind of like the difference between just an inconsequential game of bowling vs the league championship. 

Which situation is higher pressure? 

I'm not saying that you should settle long term for sub par sex, just that doing in so in the short term might get you both out of the hole you're in right now.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

gingerlyjane said:


> I like talking, teasing, role play and that gets me there more than any "technique."


I once read a rather enlightening chapter in a book a sexuality that described three sexual dimensions or mind-sets (Donald Mosher):

*Sexual Trance:* Eyes closed and meditation-like intimacy where one focuses on how your own body responds while being with your partner. 

*Partner engagement:* This is where intimacy is about enjoying how your emotional bond with your partner feels. This mode of sexuality involves you being true to yourself so that your partner knows you despite your flaws. 

*Role play:* This is intimacy where each is confident enough to enjoy pretending to be someone else as a way to experience new things. This is an eyes wide open experience. 

Quite often two people with different modes of sexuality will struggle to make things work. If two couples were assigned an exercise to pretend as if they were having sex in a ancient roman brothel, one may find the experience exhilarating, while the other may be highly offended and upset by the idea. Nothing is wrong with how each couple responds, but it gives a strong indication as to how they have established as their own mode/mindset of sexuality. 

Spend some time thinking about what mindset of sexuality you have compared to your husband, and try to appreciate how two different modes may interact with one another in ways that are positive and problematic. 

From reading what you have written you seem to have a paradox between wanting the strong emotional bonds of partner engagement as well as the variation and excitement of role play where you take on the identity of someone other than yourself. Mixing that together seems to make for an experience that would likely confuse and disorient any partner without emotionally appreciating that your true identity is someone that enjoys not being herself.

I think I'm confused now...


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## kmetoyer (Aug 23, 2017)

I've experienced the same issue with my husband. I still am actually. He mirrors what your husband does: initiates when the lights are out, nothing new, doesn't want to me try anything to spice things up like wearing out fits or sending him suggestive pictures. I've found that he accepts suggestive pictures from others and he also watches or views photo porn. I'm not saying that this is what yours is doing, just giving you my experience. Im told I'm attractive so I dont feel as though thats the issue. Most of the time he has to have been drinking in order to even initiate sex. Its extremely frustrating and, as you said, depressing. Mine claims that he doesnt feel as though he is able to satisfy me by lasting long periods of time. Perhaps your husband has the same worries?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

With 3 when he loses his erection, was he the one who stopped things or did you? Did he offer to do other things for you?

I'm seeing two scenarios:

1). He actually is interested in sex, but his occasional ED made him feel insecure, which made the ED worse which caused him to feel worse about sex and back away. In that case, if he is willing to do things to please you, then let him and maybe with the pressure off, the ED will go away and things can return to where they were before. I think its worth trying this - just let him do things to please you, but of course be willing to do what he wants if he asks.

Otherwise I think you have 

2) He has never really had much interest in sex. He was enthusiastic early on, but that was ether short term excitement, or a deliberate attempt to trap you. You are clearly a very sexual woman (which is great!), and you will NEVER be happy with a non-sexual partner. If you stay you will resent him your entire life - or until you cheat and then feel guilty. 

No matter what, don't get pregnant. There is a recurring pattern of women with men who don't want sex. Then he suddenly does, and somehow she winds up pregnant (maybe so excited by the idea of sex that she doesn't take precautions). Then she is trapped.



My guess is that you are much happier leaving. I've spent my life with a woman that I love dearly but with whom I'm not at all sexually compatible. Don't do it. The frustration never gets better. It just leads to this background resentment that poisons the rest of the relationship. The longer you wait, the more difficult it is to leave. 







gingerlyjane said:


> Timeline:
> 1.) dating, crazy sex, lots of places and very flirty/playful
> 2.) he meets my kids, we start spending almost every night together. Sex starts to get tame.
> 3.) not long after, he starts to lose erection during sex. We don't continue when this happens. We get quiet and don't address it. I ask if everything is ok, he says he's tired. This happens a few times.
> ...


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## gingerlyjane (Aug 23, 2017)

Buddy400 said:


> gingerlyjane said:
> 
> 
> > . Me suggesting open relationship cane at a time when we were having sex 1 a month and not talking to one another at all. I had exhausted everything I could think of in order to get him to meet me halfway with this... it was very much a "pursuer, distancer" dynamic. It may not have been the best approach, it may have done more harm than good, but I felt so starved for a connection and also felt so hopeless that I assumed we would both have to go outside of the marriage to find that connection. To me, if we aren't intimate (not just in sex but in being open and honest) then why'd the point? That's the foundation of a relationship, in my mind anyway. I think in his mind the foundation is commitment, consistency, so maybe I did screw up with that suggestion.
> ...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> Get his testosterone levels checked. If he has normal levels of testosterone and still finds sex with you too daunting a task to participate in even when you initiate, then he has serious issues with sex that will require much work on his part to overcome. .


this sounds like the right approach. Is there a medical reason he can not stay hard long enough to get laid?

A guy who fails to get erect for sex, will thru subconscious shame avoid all sexual situations....making you think he is cold and LD. The exact opposite may be true, but he is too afraid of performance failure.

If i were you, the two of you should try in this order the following things:

0) make sure some medication or over the counter supplement he is taking is not causing his problem! A LOT of medications have very negative sexual consequences

1) get a vacuum device (penis pump) and see if it can be used to get him hard enough for sex. Make using it a game, like you put it on him and pump him up like a kid playing a game! IF he sees you enjoying it...he will not be embarassed using it. IF the vacuum pump gets him hard, but he gets soft to soon, add a rubber "penis ring" to the base of his penis once it is hard.

2) obviously, try a prescription to levetra/cialis/viagra. Just time it so he takes the pill a good half to full hour before you try to stimulate him...so it gets the full effect. Get the prescription for the largest pill size, and cut them in half or quarters, to save a lot of money....the pills are basically the same cost no matter what size they are. 

3) Get a penile strap on sheath, so his penis goes inside and is stimulated during sex, and the outside is a huge throbing member for you to enjoy!

4) Have him get a urologist to check out his penis. He can scan the blood vessel inside with ultrasound to see what is going on. There may be a simple blockage that can be removed to greatly improve his performance. barring any clear medical condition, then ask the urologist for "Trimix Solution" injection prescription. Those things can get a dead man hard.

5) if all else fails, they have penile inserts that can be surgically installed. When he wants to please you, he simply "pumps it up". When he is done, he deflates it.

so do not give up, there are MANY things for you to try with him


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