# Husband has a secret running partner...



## feelingshaky (Aug 28, 2012)

I just found that my husband has had a secret "friendship" (his word, not mine) with a female coworker for at least the past 6 months. He tells me she is just a "running buddy". It slipped out that he drove alone with her to the city where their 2 day relay race took place, meeting the other 10 teammates in that city. Prior to this he had never mentioned running with anyone on his lunch breaks, it turns out they would run together 1-2 times a week for the past 6 months. When I asked him details, he lied to me at first. Then I checked his emails and it turns out they have gone to her house for a lunchtime run. Also, he had planned on driving her to the out-of-town race for at least a week prior to it. He swears he "isn't cheating, isn't attracted to her, and he really doesn't like her", he just needed the motivation of a running partner. He says he knew I would overreact so he never told me.
Am I a fool to believe this?


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

This is all ok except why dont you know about this???


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I don't think you're a fool, no.

It is something you should explore with your husband but he might have a few reasons for not telling you - one of which might be a fear of you over reacting.

It could be that he knows he should not have such a close relationship with another woman as this is a threat to your marriage, but he doesn't think he can become attracted to this woman.

He probably knows that you won't be happy with it and that you will probably insist (perhaps rightly) that he dials it down with this woman.

You need to talk to him a *lot* about this and the surrounding issues.

On the other hand, my wife's friendship with a co worker turned into an emotional affair (EA) and I did not do enough to stop it (I don't think she would anyway) and then into a 2 1/2 year physical or passionate affair (PA).

Be on your gaurd, but don't assume the worst.


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## feelingshaky (Aug 28, 2012)

He first told me they only ran 3 times before. He told me he picked her up at work before the race, that he had never gone to her house. He said she is not a nice person and trashy and talks too much. He told me he wasn't hiding anything else. The next day I sneaked and looked at his texts. That's how I found out he lied and did pick her up at her house. He swore that was the only time. Then I asked him to open up his email and I see the weekly running dates all the way back to May, I see where they met at her house last month too. He swears he never went inside. Tonight he admitted to going inside to use the bathroom. He admits that he tells his coworkers and friends about their running, but never me. He had to go to great lengths to hide this. Why would he hide a plutonic friend?


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## feelingshaky (Aug 28, 2012)

We have 2 kids (5 and 3) and I am so alone right now.I haven't slept but for a few hours since this all came out 4 days ago. I am in the playroom and he is in the bedroom. I don't know if I should leave or make hime leave. The kids will be devastated.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Too many lies. Too many secrets.

If she is just a running partner he wouldn't feel a need to hide it. Perhaps he had a legitimate fear that you would over react but he created the condtitions in which you would.

Read the other threads about gathering evidence if you wish to go that route. If you do decide to investigate, do it on the down low.

Edit: And I agree with Chris...don't be too hasty with anyone leaving


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

feelingshaky said:


> We have 2 kids (5 and 3) and I am so alone right now.I haven't slept but for a few hours since this all came out 4 days ago. I am in the playroom and he is in the bedroom. I don't know if I should leave or make hime leave. The kids will be devastated.


Wait!

You need to talk this over with him properly. You are in full panic mode and there may be no reason.

It does look suspicious but he may just be trying to protect this relationship for reasons other than being unfaithful.

It is not acceptable that he hid this and I think that is the angle you should take for now.

Edit: I agree with Malaise. Get hold of a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. That will answer everything. Don't tip him off. It could be the best $20 you ever spent.

Surely if something was going on, it would say it in the texts?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Tell him to get a dog. It's my opinion that people keep secrets for a reason and if it's really no big deal, then why would he hide something like this?

I'd be very hurt and upset and extremely suspicious if I were in your shoes.  At the very least this sounds like an EA. How has your marriage been?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

So sorry for you. No you're not a fool. Your faithful and he isn't. Nothing is your fault. At best this is an emotional affair. 

He's lying to you. Cheats do that. You need to dig deeper. Don't be quick to to forgive him. If you choose to, make him earn it. Stick around this site. There is a lot of great information and advice. Learn about the 180.

Is he no longer in contact with her. With his attitude, he's likely to take this underground. If so you need to insist on full transparency. No locking phone ,computer etc.


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## feelingshaky (Aug 28, 2012)

Our marriage has been good. Not bad, not great. We don't go out much, but we were planning our 10 year wedding anniversary for next month. We were going to go away on vacation. We rarely fight. I thought all was good.

He admitted to feeling guilty at times about the lying but he said they were all white lies.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

feelingshaky said:


> Our marriage has been good. Not bad, not great. We don't go out much, but we were planning our 10 year wedding anniversary for next month. We were going to go away on vacation. We rarely fight. I thought all was good.
> 
> He admitted to feeling guilty at times about the lying but he said they were all white lies.


"white lies" means he's trying to downplay his dishonesty.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Bottom line, if he wasnt feeling something for her WHY LIE? I would insist on no more contact, and cheaters usually talk down their affair partner, so him saying she is trashy means nothing! Its an inappropriate relationship at the least, it has to stop.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'd start with getting the cell phone bills to see if the amount of texts to her matches up with what you saw

One caveat tho, if they both have iphones the texts wont show up on the bill as they are considered imessages


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Is his job something he can do elsewhere or in another department?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feelingshaky (Aug 28, 2012)

The cell phone belongs to his company so we don't get the bills.

They work in same city, seperate buildings (4 miles away)


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

feelingshaky said:


> I just found that my husband has had a secret "friendship" (his word, not mine) with a female coworker for at least the past 6 months. He tells me she is just a "running buddy". It slipped out that he drove alone with her to the city where their 2 day relay race took place, meeting the other 10 teammates in that city. Prior to this he had never mentioned running with anyone on his lunch breaks, it turns out they would run together 1-2 times a week for the past 6 months. When I asked him details, he lied to me at first. Then I checked his emails and it turns out they have gone to her house for a lunchtime run. Also, he had planned on driving her to the out-of-town race for at least a week prior to it. He swears he "isn't cheating, isn't attracted to her, and he really doesn't like her", he just needed the motivation of a running partner. He says he knew I would overreact so he never told me.
> Am I a fool to believe this?



You are not a fool to believe it...however, DO NOT believe this! Take it from someone who's well versed with a hubby who used to lie by omission like this. He knows what he's doing isn't cool, so he keeps it from you. Also, if he 'doesn't even like her', why the hell is he running with her? For 6 months? 2+2=5 in this case.

Keep your eyes open and follow the advice you'll get here...


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

feelingshaky said:


> He first told me they only ran 3 times before. He told me he picked her up at work before the race, that he had never gone to her house. He said she is not a nice person and trashy and talks too much. He told me he wasn't hiding anything else. The next day I sneaked and looked at his texts. That's how I found out he lied and did pick her up at her house. He swore that was the only time. Then I asked him to open up his email and I see the weekly running dates all the way back to May, I see where they met at her house last month too. He swears he never went inside. Tonight he admitted to going inside to use the bathroom. *He admits that he tells his coworkers and friends about their running, but never me. He had to go to great lengths to hide this. Why would he hide a plutonic friend?*


He claims (to you) that he isn't attracted to her, doesn't really like her yet brags to his coworkers and friends about her? He tells you only bits and pieces (trickle truth) of the things that you can prove, but no more than that?

What do they talk about on their runs together? The weather? And yes, just like you pointed out, why would he hide her from you if this was innocent? Why would he not introduce you to her and let you judge for yourself?

As others have suggested, maybe it's time to do a little quiet snooping since it does not appear that you will get the full truth from him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

feelingshaky said:


> The cell phone belongs to his company so we don't get the bills.


what kind of phone? maybe we can help uncover stuff


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I've got to go back and read the whole thread, OP...but lying...your husband is intentionally covering up details so that you don't know. This is not good. Get your game on, and start digging to find out what he's up to...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Feelingshakey:

Please don't leave yet. I think the time has come for you and your husband to have the "I'm not comfortable with this relationship" discussion. You have to let him know in no uncertain terms that you are uncomfortable with him running with this women any longer and it must end immediately; no ifs, ands, or buts. Shed no tears and speak with as little emotion as possible. He should understand that you can't live with this, that he had disrespected you and your children and he should understand that means separation or divorce if he doesn't respect your wishes (no threats just he should understand the consequences).

I don't know if there is a 180 for women but you need to make it clear that he will be taking a trip to the cleaners if he keeps running with this woman. Be firm and put your foot down.


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## feelingshaky (Aug 28, 2012)

I think he has an android phone.

I want to thank all of you so much. I feel much calmer just talking to someone supportive. I am so sorry for everyone who has felt like this. I really had no idea how deep it goes. It has been a miserable weekend.

My youngest has crawled into bed with me now so I will check back tomorrow.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for the update. Stay frosty. Remember there's almost always someone here at any time of day or night


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

feelingshaky said:


> I just found that my husband has had a secret "friendship" (his word, not mine) with a female coworker for at least the past 6 months. He tells me she is just a "running buddy". It slipped out that he drove alone with her to the city where their 2 day relay race took place, meeting the other 10 teammates in that city. Prior to this he had never mentioned running with anyone on his lunch breaks, it turns out they would run together 1-2 times a week for the past 6 months. When I asked him details, he lied to me at first. Then I checked his emails and it turns out they have gone to her house for a lunchtime run. Also, he had planned on driving her to the out-of-town race for at least a week prior to it. He swears he "isn't cheating, isn't attracted to her, and he really doesn't like her", he just needed the motivation of a running partner. He says he knew I would overreact so he never told me.
> Am I a fool to believe this?


I am so sorry you are hear among the Betrayed. 

Being betrayed by the person you thought was your best friend and who always had your back is sad. 

I think I would suspect nooners. All the trickle truth points to that such as never in the house then later went in to use the bathroom. 

He is finally telling the truth because he is afraid someone saw him go in. 

The fact that he says she is not a nice person may mean your husband is a cake eater who has Madona/ho complex. 

That means he sees you as his wife and mother but not as a lover, and the skanky woman who is somewhat despicable is the only type he can have enjoyable sex with .....I.e. a ho. 

I hope I am wrong, but he is obviously lying about something.

One of the most hurtful things about my STBEH's affair was the way he could look me dead in the eye and swear he would never cheat on me. 

How can I ever trust him again?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sunshinetoday said:


> Bottom line, if he wasnt feeling something for her WHY LIE? I would insist on no more contact, and cheaters usually talk down their affair partner, so him saying she is trashy means nothing! Its an inappropriate relationship at the least, it has to stop.


He lies because he thinks it will be easier than telling the truth. And it is, for awhile...until that ever-mounting pile of sh!t hits the fan...

OP, don't ask why, there are so many people who do this, and then they rationalize with themselves, because they didn't really lie, they just didn't tell you.

Good luck.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

He's lying. Lying through his teeth. This story of i dont even like her, etc, pfffffffttt, sounds like the same crap my husband would say amd has said. Im sorry but he is lying and at the very least in an EA. why else would he keep it such a secret. And going to her house at lunchtime??? Big red flag. 

He doesnt even like her, yet she works in another building? Why SEEK OUT someone you dont like to go running with. There are plenty of other people, MEN, who are into fitness and probably run...... But your husband chose this particular woman. There is a reason for that. 

Follow your gut and dont go into denial. 

Have you had a chance to have a peek at his phone? See all his texts, emails, recently received and called numbers? Write down the ones that he calls a lot. And the ones he gets calls from. I bet you will find out they speak a lot on the phone. 

You have to take action now. This is not innocent by any means

I wish you luck and im sorry


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

feelingshaky said:


> Our marriage has been good. Not bad, not great. We don't go out much, but we were planning our 10 year wedding anniversary for next month. We were going to go away on vacation. We rarely fight. I thought all was good.
> 
> He admitted to feeling guilty at times about the lying but he said they were all white lies.


That sounds like my marriage. 

We rarely went out because he did not want to spend the money on me. He was spending it on the OW.

The odd thing is in Marriage counseling he tried to claim I DID NOT WANT TO GO OUT.

What a crock. In reality, my STBEH was always complaining about money and wanted to start another business. So, I was at home literally at home being cautious with our spending and finding ways to cut corners and save money and juggling the bills. 

Meanwhile, he was spending our money on expensive dinners out for the OW and weekends away.

There is no reason for your husband to keep this running partner secret if there is no affair.

Bottom line is he should NOT have a female running partner and he knows it. 

There are more male runners than female and it's danged easy to find a male running partner.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

feelingshaky said:


> Then I checked his emails and it turns out they have gone to her house for a lunchtime run.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So, he knows he has a wife that would not be ok with any of this and he goes to this woman's house? 

What part of the training is this?

Plus, he is a guy. He should be outrunning her with ease. Why does he need her slowing him down? If he races he knows that is harming his training. 

Sounds very fishy.

Tell you what. Demand that he breaks all communication with this woman. Watch his reaction. If he "doesn't like her" he should do it with minimal fuss. If he starts to huff and puff about it you know whats up. This isn't just a running partner.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

would need the particular model of the phone to see if you can retrieve deleted texts

the good news is with most android models you can get a spy program to notify you anything new


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Another two penneth worth: my H was a liar by omission type, and he's finally stopped. Took a lot of hard work on both our parts, but he's stopped...

I hope that this hasn't progressed too far, OP! Come back and let us know!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Malaise said:


> Too many lies. Too many secrets.
> 
> If she is just a running partner he wouldn't feel a need to hide it. Perhaps he had a legitimate fear that you would over react but he created the condtitions in which you would.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The first and foremost ingredient for affairs is *SECRECY*. He wouldn't need to hide it if she was just truly a running partner. These are the equivalent of going on dates.

It's time to investigate and get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, if she's truly just a running partner, then he should have no problem with going No Contact with her immediately. If he resists in any way or does not go NC, then you have your answer.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You need to go low key but PI mode. Gather evidence.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

feelingshaky said:


> I just found that my husband has had a secret "friendship" (his word, not mine) with a female coworker for at least the past 6 months.


 All cheaters have secret friendships with their affair partners (AP). All cheaters lie and clam that they are just friends. By definition, if it is secret then it is cheating. If you have a regular ongoing relationship with a member of the opposite sex that that you cannot tell your spouse about, then the relationship is an emotional affair (EA) at the very least.


feelingshaky said:


> It slipped out that he drove alone with her to the city where their 2 day relay race took place, meeting the other 10 teammates in that city. Prior to this he had never mentioned running with anyone on his lunch breaks, it turns out they would run together 1-2 times a week for the past 6 months.


 He secretly spend a great amount of time alone with this other woman (OW). He secretly spends time alone at her house. He secretly went on an out of town trip with her. All this adds up to him probably having a physical affair (PA) as well as an EA with her. Look cheaters never admit to cheating. As far as evidence goes, if you lived in a state where infidelity was a factor in the divorce settlement, there is not a jury in the world that would not treat him as being unfaithful based on what you know. 


feelingshaky said:


> He swears he "isn't cheating, isn't attracted to her, and he really doesn't like her", he just needed the motivation of a running partner. He says he knew I would overreact so he never told me.
> Am I a fool to believe this?


 If you read the infidelity threads on this an any other such site, what he is telling you is right out of the cheaters handbook. Pretty standard stuff that they all say. So yes you would be a fool for believing him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I tend to be cautious, wait and see...but I think he's lying.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

My spidey senses are tingling. There is more to this story! My husband had a running buddy, his co-worker and subordinate. Also a long-time "friend". Only a friend who turned into an EA on the verge of a PA. (Every once in a while I still have nagging doubts so I'm following these threads like a hawk trying to learn, watching, analyzing, verifying.) When my husband started hiding the fact that he wasn't running solo (he used to tell me when he ran with her then he went for a few runs "by himself") it had crossed over into EA-land and was sexually charged. They had exchanged sexually suggestive emails and im's. after DD 1, 2, 3 (as in trickle truth) he shared the emails with me and fessed up to the secret running. She would often pull up her shirt while running to cool-off (to show off her abs) and at a later time started one of their charged conversations by asking him why he didn't run without his shirt. As much as you love someone we're all capable of the vilest, most hurtful things. It's just some of us (by grace?) choose not to go there. Others selfishly jump right in. 

He wouldn't be running with her if he thought she was awful. He certainly wouldn't be going into her house. Secrecy + home visit = bad news. I am so, so sorry to read this. 

See if your husband will read "Not Just Friends" (Shirley Glass) with you. Boy howdy will it help if he's open!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Yea I smell something phishy going on here. I have issue with the fact that there are other team mates he could be running with and they are equipped to cheat. Plus if she is trashy and easy then that should be another red flag. 
He is crossing boundaries and is not telling you. If you can find out where she lives then why not see if there is someone you know or that can verify anything. I would not talk to the OW as if there is something going on it will just make it go underground more. 

At this point I would make him end all contact with this woman. I would go through his call log to see who he is calling at work. If you have access to his work email he could communicating that way. 

I think if something has not happened yet it was about too. He was obviously getting attached and began feeling comfortable crossing boundaries for this woman. Who is trashy, and likely means easy or looking for a good man. Regardless if they are committed or not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

feelingshaky said:


> He says he knew I would overreact so he never told me.


What that really means is, he knows it was totally inappropriate, hence is why he hid it from you. *Because he knows IT'S WRONG.*

Shaky, you're right to be concerned. 

It smells like a rat.

The one "friend" I didn't tell my ex about was the one I ended up having an affair with. I'm not proud of this. and am telling you this because it's exactly what I did.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

As someone told me once....it is NEVER a good idea for a married person to regularly spend time alone with someone of the opposite gender. Even if it's just "jogging".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

feelingshaky said:


> He says he knew I would overreact so he never told me.


What that really means is, he knows it was totally inappropriate, hence is why he hid it from you. *Because he knows IT'S WRONG.*

Shaky, you're right to be concerned. 

It smells like a rat.

The one "friend" I didn't tell my ex about was the one I ended up having an A with.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would ask your husband how he would feel if you had a "secret" work out partner yourself ?? see how he would feel


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> Bottom line, if he wasnt feeling something for her WHY LIE? I would insist on no more contact, and cheaters usually talk down their affair partner, so him saying she is trashy means nothing! Its an inappropriate relationship at the least, it has to stop.


Yes. Talking down the AP is common. My H did it to his AP. Said he thought she was too skinny and flat chested.......Oh and annoying and demanding. The affair lasted nearly a year with that annoying woman....

And he NEVER mentioned her for 3 months despite the fact he was working constantly together. Hours on end. Meeting after meeting and project after project-he never mentioned her once until she texted him while he was with me....


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Where the heck did the OP go?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Men don't maintain friendships w/ women they don't want to screw. And that's if he tells you about her. If he's keeping secrets...

I'm not saying he's done anything. But he WANTS to. So he lied about not being attracted to her also.


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