# Needed to vent..Am I crazy?



## Confused1989 (Dec 17, 2013)

I awoke at midnight, found myself in bed alone. Not for the first time but for the past couple nights in a row I had been sleeping alone. I heard a sound from either his phone or tablet in the living room and I wanted to know what was going on. What could possibly have his attention so much to where he no longer wanted to lay with me? You see, we had not to long ago had an argument about me staying up late in the living room watching tv and not going to bed with him. He complained that I never have to go to bed alone so why should he. He argued that I could be doing God knows what in there and even accused me of speaking to other men. We argued and I eventually gave in. I started to go to bed with him. I adored my alone time. I missed it. You see, when I attended school I stayed up and completed all homework the same night, watched tv and sometimes drank a bottle of wine. I loved that time to myself during the day my hours were filled with little ones so there was little to no time for myself. I however, complied. One night I got so frustrated that I started to sigh and huff and puff in bed. I was not ready to lie down and was repulsed at the idea of lying in bed eyes wide open. He got upset because I woke him up and threw the tv, busted the glass in the French doors, and put a hole in the wall. I was so afraid I ran out of my home in the rain to my mothers. So, given this history I could not understand why he was sleeping on the couch when I had just been persecuted for even staying up late on the couch. I went into the living room noticing he was still awake, I asked for his tablet. He asked me why, I explained why. He still insisted he was not going to give me the tablet I asked him why he had been sleeping on the couch. He said he was aggravated because when I went to lie down I stayed on facebook most of the night when I had said I was so tired earlier. I tried to explain him my troubles of sleeping alone without stimulation, you see the tv he broke was located in our bedroom. All I had was my phone. He didn’t want to hear it and yelled and cursed and threw and broke the tv remote. I left the room and went into the bedroom; decided I’d straighten up to possibly tire myself. He followed me. When he entered the room he immediately snatched my phone I shook it off and went back to what I was doing. He started to yell and curse me and eventually threw a set of medium sized alley wrenches at me. I ducked and started to find clothes to wear to leave and call the police. I ran to get shoes and was leaving through the dining room I noticed him coming towards me so I picked up and threw an empty water bottle at him. I ran into the living room to exit and screamed I was calling the police, he then threw my phone on the floor. I called police and they made him spend the night somewhere else. His family insists I should have handled the situation better and should not have called the police. They said we could have “controlled “the situation better ourselves. And if I really wanted someone to leave I should have left myself. Problem is I was tired of leaving. I was tired of working out abusive arguments alone just to have them happen again. I truly in my heart believe my only fault is staying with him. I am in love, deeply but with someone who can turn into a monster. I should leave, I don’t want my son to grow up and think this is healthy. They say I should wait until I know im ready to leave to call the cops and not call the cops if I know I’m going to take him back. I just wanted him escorted out for the night. I’m honestly disgusted by all of them. But do they have a point in what they are saying that I cannot see?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Sounds to me like you both need to work on compromise. He wants you to go to bed with him and you want your alone time. Might suggest a little of both. If he is afraid your talking to other men just show him all your stuff that will shut that down. The same goes for him. He should show you all his stuff to so you don't feel he is talking to other women. 

As far as the fight maybe it could have been handled better but really someone would have to be there to see the total issue. 

Marriage Counseling is probably a must at this point. 


Clay


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

Ive never even come close to striking my wife or even breaking stuff out of anger. Its a foreign concept to me. My opinion? Get out before he puts his hands on you. Just my opinion


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

The biggest issue here is his propensity for violence. He is already breaking stuff and throwing stuff AT her when he's mad. This is abusive.

The second issue here is he is being controlling. I totally understand what it's like to want some "me time" at night. When you have work, little kids, a husband, chores etc. during the day, once the house is quiet, it's nice to relax and be alone and unwind with yourself. 

I think one of the reasons he is being controlling about you staying up late and accusing you of talking to other men is because he is probably PROJECTING.

Before I discovered WS was talking to other women on his computer, one of the things he kept asking me is if I was talking to other men on my computer. When a cheating spouse is cheating, they often accuse you of doing the exact same thing and become very suspicious of you. That is projection.

Finally, not wanting to let you see his tablet is very, suspicious. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. There IS a reason he didn't want you to see what he was doing on the tablet. It might just be porn but it could be cheating.

His family sounds toxic and enabling of his abusive behaviours. Pay them no mind and do not turn to them for advice. They are not on your side but his. He had to learn these abusive behaviours from somewhere and "nurture" (his upbringing with them) likely has a lot to do with it. Even if they are playing nice, you can't trust them so stop going to them for help. Go to your own family, the police, this board, friends etc. but not them.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He needs to do some anger management for starters. Cursing at you, insulting you with foul names, throwing and breaking things, etc. are all utterly unacceptable.

You both need to attend MC to work on your communication. You both seem to have all kinds of feelings, annoyances, etc. that you aren't communicating and are instead choosing to keep them inside and let them "stew" until one of you explodes. You should also both have a discussion regarding expectations, which ones are fair and which ones are not. 

For instance, your husband has an expectation that his wife should WANT to go to bed with him each night. By not doing so for a long time, that expressed to him that you did not want to be with him, that you did not respect him or his needs, and were actively rejecting him. (I'm guessing he had told you before that he liked you coming to bed with him rather than way after he'd fallen asleep) When it all exploded into a giant mess, you eventually "complied" with his request to come to bed earlier, but due to your habit of staying up late, probably an adjusted sleep schedule, valuing those late evening hours for "me time", etc. you resented him for making you feel like you needed to comply with his request. Maybe you felt like he didn't value YOUR needs or respect your wishes, that maybe he was selfish for this, etc. This resulted in you coming to bed earlier for huffing and puffing about it, or laying in bed with the glow of your cell phone trying to entertain yourself, etc.

For him, that wasn't really any better than you just staying up by yourself in the living room. For one, a big part of his desire for you to come to bed with him was probably a desire to share more intimacy with you. Whether that's just cuddling before bed, or sex, or just sharing the pleasant feeling of drifting off to sleep knowing your partner is beside you and is happy to be there. Your being there and huffing/puffing or playing with your phone might technically fulfill his request, but it doesn't meet any of the actual needs he probably had for making the request, probably leaving him even more frustrated than he was before.

That's the kind of communication you need, to be able to dig into the root of your feelings, needs, desires, etc. "I want you to come to bed with me every night." might be the request, but the real issue is WHY. Imagine if you wanted to have a weekly family outing every weekend, and you wanted him to come along. If he came along but spent every moment looking like he was miserably bored, constantly played on his phone, didn't participate in anything, etc., you'd probably be very hurt, feel disrespected, and ultimately ask "Why did you even agree to come if this is how you were going to act?!" (to which his bewildered response might be, "Because you asked me to! I thought this is what you wanted!" See the problem?)


Lastly, why did you need to know what he was doing on his tablet? That makes it sound like you've had reason to be concerned about him before. Could it "just" be porn or could he be involved with someone else? I say "just" porn because that is really the absolute best case scenario in the situation you described. Although for the record, pornography is a marriage killer and should be vehemently avoided at all costs.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

He threw friggin wrenches at your head - WTF??? You are not overrracting


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## pandorasflower (Dec 18, 2013)

I say you get out of there it is only a matter of time before he refuses to allow you to escape and allows his anger to get the better of him... this could turn very bad very quickly you were right to call the police and for your childrens sake get them out! it only takes a split second for it to turn on your children problems like this only escalate unless the reason for the anger and resentment are addressed and dealt with. He needs anger management and you need to find yourself someone who respects you and does not try and control you. His family are enablers and obviously have the same problem if they are directing the blame onto you rather than onto their own grown son who is acting like a child throwing things, rather a dangerous child but you get my meaning. I hope you can find you and your kids a safe place as soon as possible and do not let him know where you are going until he has gotten help or you have decided its over for good.


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