# Reconciliation is like a labyrinth...



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Reconciliation is like a crazy labyrinth or better yet a video game: the BS moves thru it along a path where each day, each interaction with WS presents a choice. Do you move forward, with optimism, hope and love or move backward with fear, distrust, vengeance? As in a video game we get bombarded with destructive missiles depending on how gaslighting, rugsweeping, trickle-truthing or deep in affair fog the WS is, and which is totally out of the BS's control. The BS also has to contend with the possible interference of the AP as a rival or enemy to the marriage and healing. At the same time, the BS may encounter help and strength in the healing path dependent on the WS's remorse, transparency, and motivation to save the marriage and bring healing to the BS. Support from friends, family, MC, IC, or spiritual faith are positive strengths that the BS can use to ward off the negative effects of the "bombs" that assail us at every corner. So the success of reconciliation is really quite simple: how motivated are both partners to play the game of reconciliation fairly and honestly? Each day we may experience a serious setback or a remarkable gain in healing and love. The BS must over and over again make a choice between holding out for justice(which will never come) or moving on with forgiveness. Not an easy choice, by any means. After 2 years, I am still struggling to find my way out of the labyrinth...


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

I am nearly a year and I made the decision to forgive him five months after Dday. I have the odd setbacks but nothing like what they use to be. Personally its getting "easier" for me as time passes but that's because I refuse to live a life of paranoia.

I think if the BS works on forgiveness and the WS is committed to rebuild what they destroyed then its the key to a successful R


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

So true! In my case, the AP and WS kept in contact every 2 or 3 months by text or call until last March when I demanded an end from both of them. ( No PA after DDay 1 two years ago. ) At that the AP who claims she never got closure, spilled the beans that H had affair 20 years ago with a different woman I never knew about. He fessed up. So it has been so hard to forgive and move on when I keep getting hit with TT. Most people say I should show him the door and should expect more cheating, but I do love him and am dependent on him emotionally, more than I should be. He has changed significantly in his attitude towards me and knows that if he screws up even once, its over. He is remorseful and knows how terribly hurt I have been but avoids talking about his infidelities like the plague even tho I tell him its to help me heal. 

Trouble is, when a problem arises in relationship, I have a hard time discerning whether its due to his past cheating or just a problem separate from that. I tend to connect everything back to the infidelities whether they have anything to do with them or not. There was a lot of dysfunction in marriage even 20 years ago that I am partly responsible for. 

However, we are moving forward, enjoy each others company, looking into retirement and the possibilities that will open up for us. Sex is good but I'd like more of it LOL. Time passing is making it a little easier but I still trigger fairly often...He has moved on, forgiven himself and expects the same from me...but like I said, I still struggle...


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