# Married 5 years, 2 kids, confused wife wants to take a break...



## Gettysburg.Chris (Jun 24, 2014)

Hi everyone...

First off, my name is Chris. My wife, Christina, and I have been married for 5 years. We have two amazing children (2 &5) that are the center of our world. Before I explain the whole story I would like to just say that I believe I have made some very big mistakes in our relationship. Mistakes I am paying GREATLY for now.

We met 7 years ago. She attended a workshop I was part of. It was a new business in town that I was part owner of and I was trying to get off of its feet. She was part of one of the first "workshops" we ever did and we liked each other as soon as we saw each other. 

Let's cover one thing before I explain the roots of our relationship. I was single for 2 years (after a 5 year relationship with someone who suggested we break up and I move out). I was in the prime of enjoying the single life. When I met Christina I was already in the middle of sexual relations with 2-3 other women. I was not ready to settle down at all. 

So Christina and I start talking online... We hit it off very quickly. We had the same interests in music, video games, sports, etc.. This list went on and on. This was in December of 2007, and I decided to ask her if she wanted to drive up to my place and stay for a few days. She did, of course, and she ended up becoming just another one of the many girls I was messing around with at the time.

After a few days she tells me she has no where to really spend her Christmas holiday (since her mom lived 1500 miles away and her father went down south to spend time with his mother and family. Apparently she decided to not go). So I offered her to spend it with my family. She did, and that was the beginning of our up and down relationship.

Months went on by and we were still "Friends with Benefits"... Eventually, after several months, I took her outside and told her I wanted to break it off.. She had freaked me out a few weeks earlier and I wish I had asked her about the situation that freaked me out, because I ended up hearing it all wrong and started imagining her in a different light. So, basically, I jumped to conclusions. Well, it all didn't really matter because a week later she had me back into her arms. It was her plan and it worked like a charm. She showed up with friends to hang out for a few days at my cousins place and she dressed up very nicely and basically took my breath away. So we decided to continue but to start dating instead. I had told her that I was dating someone else as well but it wasn't anything important.

About a month after we started our dating we decided to help my cousin out and move in with him (he was a disabled vet with low income and couldn't afford his house). This is where the relationship starts getting interesting. The summer of 2008 Christina decided she was tired of dating and tired of me not really acting like I cared for her, so she was going to break it off... But she was late on her period. She ended up finding out she was pregnant. She was scared to tell me. She thought I would take the first bus back home. But I asked her what she wanted to do and I told her lets make it official and become a couple. She agreed, and we did.. Yet, I was still worried because I couldn't get my mindset out of wanting to be single still.

Well, a year passes by. We now have a baby girl and are living in a 2 bedroom apartment together in town. She has a decent paying full time job working at a cancer center. I am just grabbing what I can by doing a part time job on the days she has off. This is around the time when I get an offer from my cousin about opening a museum in town. This is the beginning of my downfall.

My cousin contacts me about a museum he wants to make. He gives me this whole story about how I'm going to make much more money than I currently do working part time. I buy into it and I leave the part time job to open and maintain this museum. 3 years go by and the museum makes me a total of $80. During these 3 years I was unhappy in my marriage. I still had that bug in my head thinking about how the single life used to be and how I was stuck in a relationship and had a child. Although, I thought these things I never intended on leaving her and I never cheated on her. Day after day I would tell myself to fall in love with her. I knew she was an amazing woman and she had been sacrificing herself for me and our little baby girl. I knew she was the perfect woman to marry but all I needed to do was get my head out of my butt and allow myself to fall in love with her. After being hurt in the past and having the single life and not caring about others it became very hard to get my mindset off of not caring. I was really worried about getting hurt again. I regret it immensely now.

During the 3 years of working on a failed business and making no money, Christina mentioned getting married. She said that she loved me a lot and wanted to make us a family. I was very apprehensive at first, and me being the insensitive prick that I was made her come agree to a deal. I told her I wasn't exactly ready for marriage yet. She then replied with an idea.. She said that if she were to lose the weight she had gained from having our baby girl, and lost it before a predetermined date, would I then marry her. I said that I would (I know how shallow could I have been??!). Well, the date arrived and she still never lost the weight. But, I still decided to marry her anyway. I knew that if I could break the *&shole barrier inside me that I could fall in love with her. I was afraid if I didn't marry her she would grow tired of waiting for me to fall for her and leave me. Then I would have lost the greatest woman I have ever had in my entire life. 

The wedding was strange. Thinking back now, I really wish we did something nice and elaborate, because she deserves that! Instead, we got married at the local Justice of Peace and had a ceremony and party at the back yard of my mothers house (my head is shaking in disappointment at this). I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A DANCE WITH HER! I can't believe she stuck with me for this long, to be honest.

After the marriage had gone and past, the museum closed its doors. We ended up having another baby (That I said I wasn't ready for and I felt we couldn't afford another. Somehow she convinced me and I agreed another baby would be a great idea and we went for it!). This was around the time when she started asking me to find a job, a part time job, something. But, after being so used to doing my own thing and being my own boss and away from the job market I found it very hard to get back into. I would make excuse after excuse for why I shouldn't search for even a part time job. "If I get a job who will watch the kids? what will happen to our assistance? etc etc." It was lame of myself and it showed total lack of sacrifice for my family.

Eventually a year passes by and we found ourselves in a new home. She would go back and forth on whether or not I should get a job. Sometimes she would say I need to at least get a part time job and sometimes she would change her tune and say it wouldn't matter if I did have a job because we would end up paying all that money I made on child care. I was confused, and I didn't argue. Thinking about it now, she just loved me so much she was actually making excuses for me. If I were to have gotten a full time job I would have brought home a lot more than the cost of child care and whatever assistance we were getting. Plus additional money. It was selfish and lazy of me to think and make an argument otherwise.

During our small stint in this home we had a lot of issues. She eventually came to the grand idea of allowing each other to have sexual relations with other people. I agreed to it, but I was hoping it would spark a fire under us to get us going. By this time I was really starting to feel something for her but it wasn't exactly there yet. The idea of enjoying someone else just once seemed like it might be that 1 thing I would need to get that jolt into my head about how much she really means to me. Instead, nothing happened with me. But it did for her. She ended up having sex with my best friend. I can't be mad at her for it, since I gave her the ok to do it. I just didn't realize how much she truly meant to me. It's like they say, "You never realize how much you love someone until you see them liking someone else"... And boy did it hurt. It hurt so much I started acting like she had cheated on me. Although I told her she didn't and that I had let her do it. The reason it bothered me the most is because she wanted to do it again with my best friend. This was the first time I realized I could lose her. This was a terrifying time for me to understand. This woman who has loved me unconditionally was now showing interest in other people, and I did not want to lose her because of that.

Last year we were still living in the same home. She and her mother finally started talking to each other after a bad break that lasted about 3 years. She invited her mom to come move up with us. That way she could watch the kids and I could go get a job. And I needed to. She had asked me (crying, pleading) that I get a job on several occasions. The last occasion before her mom decided to move up and help was what I felt was almost the end of our marriage. I got on my knees and cried in her lap begging to give me a chance to prove myself. I promised her that I would find a job (even if I had actually forgotten how to). I was dead serious, and I had told her once her mother moves up I will start searching. She was thrilled to hear that and she accepted my heartfelt request.

When her mother moved in I started looking. It took a little bit of coaxing to get me to move and go find a job, but I did. Christina even helped me. We decided I wanted to get into the EMT program and work on becoming a paid firefighter. I was super excited about it and so was she. But after having a talk with friends who are firefighters and have had emt work, I decided not to follow through with it. I just couldn't see myself being able to handle lifeless children. So I told her I would work on finding another job.

Months go by and I still have yet to find a job, but I end up getting an offer to join a new startup production company out of town. I decided to give it a go and realize I can't get paid for it, since its working its way from the ground up and has no funding. During this time I could have gotten a job. Full time, part time, it didn't matter. I could have worked the growing business on the side while bringing money home to my family. But I didn't. This grew more of a strain on my wife and I caught her several times in a lie. Although we still had ourselves set in an open relationship (meaning if we had a chance with somebody when our spouse wasn't around it was ok). But she was caught lieing about an ex she was talking to. Even though he lives 3000 miles away I still snooped and saw on her phone that she was begging him to fly her to see him for a few days. After a very heated argument she agreed to never talk to him again, but I caught her again sending pics back and forth on her cell phone a few months later. When asked why she wouldn't stop talking to this guy she said that she just didn't want to stop and that she shouldn't have to. But, eventually, the talking with him stopped and they haven't talked to each other in over 6 months.

Now we are getting close to present time. It's 2 months ago and I still don't have a job. After all the empty promises of getting one and begging, I still did not fulfill my promise of getting a job. The work weeks are weighing down on her day by day, the finances and bills are piling, and here I am with no job. But she decided to give it just one more try. She said that she has fallen out of love with me and she is trying to find herself. But she is willing to give it a go... She randomly talks about having another baby and we decide to go for it.. She goes through consulting getting another child (since she had her tubes taken care of), she even buys herself a brand new wedding band (since the older one kept sliding off her hand). All I needed to do was find a job.. So I do my searching, but my searching only got as far as the computer. I never went out to really try. It was like I would get comfortable again, thinking she will never leave me. She saw me getting right back into what I have always done. I stopped searching for jobs and she decided she was through... 

Now we are at today. June 24th 2014. This story is a loooong one, and I am sorry. For those who actually read through this I thank you. But right now she told me she needs a break from me. She needs her space and her time without seeing me around. She is tired of me breaking promise after promise and I understand that. But at the same time she feels she has lost her true self. She hates herself and she lost all of her confidence in herself. Even her father said to her, "I miss my honest daughter. I want my honest daughter back." She knows she has changed. And as she puts it, "Not for the better." When I asked her what I could possibly do to change her mind and just give me one final chance to prove myself, she said she can't and that she is numb to me right now. In fact, she is numb to everything right now. I made her that way and I feel awful about it. I promised her I would truly follow through with my promises this time and get a job, and I have. I applied everywhere and I am still applying. And I'm not just doing online only. I have gone out all over the place and applied to anything I felt I could get into. With that said, I got a job. Its only part time, but its the beginning of showing her I am truly sorry for how I have acted and presented myself as a husband and father. If I can only get part time jobs I will get more than one. If I get offers for full time positions I will leave the part time jobs and start working full time. I want to be there for my family and I want to finally be the man I was supposed to be. The only issue is she still wants me to move out of the house next month. She says she needs to see that I can live on my own and that I can show her that I am capable of feeding the children and buying them clothes, and toys, etc. She said maybe then she might get a little spark back, but right now she has no feeling. She keeps apologizing and I keep crying. For 10 days now I have been crying, imagining myself coming home from work, to an empty apartment with no little babies calling out for daddy. No hugs or kisses, and no kiss from the wife. I don't want that to happen. I want to make things right before that happens, but I don't know how. I ruined a lot in this relationship. I wish I had done things differently, because I love my wife so deeply now. I am afraid that if I were to get my own place it will mean the end of us. She will find somebody else and she will never look back. She says she has no interest in men at the moment and that she is only focused on finding herself again and becoming something her children can be proud of. I wish I knew what to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She has lost respect for you.

You are having trouble working. You agreed to let her have sex with others. Why'd you do that?

She doesn't want a break. She wants a break up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Worry about fixing yourself. Become a man you want your kids to look up to and emulate. From that point, you can decide if a relationship with her is the right thing or not, and she might have a chance to respect you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Harsh I know, but she's tired if supporting a lazy, selfish, entitled man child that was ok with her f$cking others so he could act like he was single. 

You claim you like to do your own thing but how exactly would you be supporting yourself if you since you don't work?

If you want her back what you do is get a full time job and start taking care of business like a real man, that will get her interest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gettysburg.Chris (Jun 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Harsh I know, but she's tired if supporting a lazy, selfish, entitled man child that was ok with her f$cking others so he could act like he was single.
> 
> You claim you like to do your own thing but how exactly would you be supporting yourself if you since you don't work?
> 
> ...


Thats exactly what I am doing now. And no matter how hurtful your words are, they are exactly true. I was so blinded before... By, stupidity, impossible dreams, and the fact that I was too selfish to grow up... 

But I am working my butt off to make things right. I just hope its not too late. But I know, most women, would have rid of my lazy ass a long time ago. I'm tired of being that lazy ass. I have a family that used to look up to me. Trust me when I say I am incredibly disappointed in myself and I understand why this is happening. I just want to fix it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dunno. Once a person loses respect for another, it's hard to earn it back.

Hard to see if it's genuine change or manipulation.

You probably lost this one.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's possible, I think your wife still loves you. She's just tired and doesn't trust you.

Don't even worry about her, just put yourself together so you will be proud for your kids to see you. That's all you can do...she must come back on her own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gettysburg.Chris (Jun 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's possible, I think your wife still loves you. She's just tired and doesn't trust you.
> 
> Don't even worry about her, just put yourself together so you will be proud for your kids to see you. That's all you can do...she must come back on her own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that is exactly what she said to me.


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## Gettysburg.Chris (Jun 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's possible, I think your wife still loves you. She's just tired and doesn't trust you.
> 
> Don't even worry about her, just put yourself together so you will be proud for your kids to see you. That's all you can do...she must come back on her own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and ur right. she doesnt trust me at all. how many empty promises could i have given her? she has lost all trust in me. and she has talked to friends and family members of mine who have actually split up without getting a divorce... each one of them got back together and their relationship is the strongest its ever been. i just hope thats how ours turns out.


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