# How to know when it's time to move on?



## mo127 (Jul 7, 2009)

Background:

I come from a divorced family (in fact, my mom has divorced three times, even)... so growing up I never wanted to go that route, but always find a way, some way, to make my marriage work if/when I ever took that route. My husband's parents are currently married, however, his mother is his father's second wife and she got pregnant while he was still married to his first. So I think we both have strong feelings on the matter at hand, although we are both trying to take different approaches to the situation.

Also, we both have children with other people. My son was born when I was 20 (his dad pretty much bailed off and I haven't seen nor heard from him since 2006, when my son was about 8 months old - he saw him a handful of times). His daughter was born in another state and he never saw her until she was about 9 months old because her mother ran off and he wasn't even sure the baby was his. 

Either way - we met when my son was about 6 months old. So my husband has been in his life from a very young age. I do not push the "daddy" issue on my son though, he calls my husband by his first name (my son is now 3). 

So here are our problems...

He asked me to marry him after we had only dated about 9 months. Quite premature, however, we knew we'd have a long engagement. I think both of our parents were less than pleased about the idea (my mom was just far more vocal on the matter). We had been engaged for over a year and a half when we finally got married, last March. 

A lot of our issues now have been present in our relationship since the get-go, I just have this fairy-tale piece of my mind still intact and I believed that "it could change" (does it ever?) and believed him each time he promised it would get better. I tried to call off the engagement several times (to the point of trying to return my ring to him)... but a part of me just wanted it to be true and went ahead with it. I honestly thought maybe once my son and I moved in with him he would put priorities right and things MIGHT get better and we could move past it, together.

So March came along, we did get married, my son and I moved in... and it never got better. I've wanted to just move home several times since then (I'd say about three times), but again, my fairy-tale head talked me into staying. So I stayed. Finally he sent me a text message (yes a text) saying that he was done. I've been done for awhile, so if he was throwing in the hat I figured it was really done and I packed my things up and moved back home. Which is where I am currently.

So here are our issues (I guess I want advice on if any of this seems "fixable"):

1. His baby mama. According to him, he left her, etc. I've seen/heard evidence that does kind of support this story... however, I've also had HARD PROOF that he's been far less than entirely honest with me about past relationships (which really, on another problem, has put a lot of mis-trust issues into the mix). But he seems to have this almost worship-complex with her. He's been on the phone with her talking about her pregnancy with her new husband when we were on the way to get my bloodwork done for my miscarriage of OUR child. He will do whatever she asks. He will give up his visitation time with their daughter if she asks. He will give in to whatever she wants and won't even ask me how I feel on the issue even when it would directly effect me, my son and our household. I try to let it go because he has some idea in his head that if she's unhappy, she can keep the child from him so he has to keep her happy. Which is entirely not true, as everything is done through the court and even his lawyer told him if she tries to violate the court order for visitation, she'll be in a lot of trouble. Yet he still goes on with whatever she wants. I understand he has a child, okay, but I cannot understand why the MOTHER OF THE CHILD is more important than I am to him. (This is at least how I feel) I've told him several times how this makes me feel and I often get the response of "well this is how it is, I can't change it. Deal with it, or there's the door". 

There's even more there, the girl is pretty much crazy. She has their four year old on more medication than any child I have ever met. She's ALWAYS sick "with something". It's insane and my husband still just gives it the shoulder. Fine.

2. His Mother. Oh MIL's. Now, I thought my mother would be the problem in our marriage. She vocally expressed her concerns with him prior to the marriage - in her defense I am HER baby and she was with me the entire time I was pregnant and giving birth, etc, and my son and I lived with her up until the time I got married. She's on defense-have-to-protect-them mode with us. She's calmed down a lot over the two years we were engaged and she has been fabulous with staying out of our lives but still seeing my son. His mother on the other hand... I never disliked her, but there was always something about her that rubbed me the wrong way. I realized what it was over Father's Day this year: my son will never be a part of HER family.

I realized that she's never came to his birthday parties, up until this year, although she gave the option of "Should I come up for Easter or for X's birthday?" - She does live 5 hours away but she has two biological grandchildren from her daughter that live by us and she's never given them the option of Thanksgiving or the girl's birthday (in November) or Christmas or the boy's birthday (in January). Plus she never bothered to come to the other's. We went to Oklahoma last summer to meet the rest of my husband's family (he has some half-siblings from his father's first marriage) and she completely ignored my son (and well, me too) while they were showing off the other grandchildren around and socializing my son and I were off in a corner trying to stay out of everyone's way. That was fun. His mother completely ruined our wedding day with a variety of events and followed up by leaving my son out of the huge "family" picture at the reception (with all other children included).

The icing of the cake, however, was Father's Day this year. She came up to visit and sometime in her stay UP HERE - she made father's day shirts for my husband and his sister's husband. She gave them the presents at our home, with my son and I present. My husband's shirt lacked my son's handprints on them (and his sister's husband's had both of her children on there, the oldest not being his) - she did throw in the paint and added a "You can add X's if you want later, but I didn't know how you deal with the situation", but she still centered his daughter's hands in a manner that wouldn't allow my son's to be added. She also went and took his daughter out to get her pictures taken and didn't even call to ask me if I'd like to meet up to add my son to the picture. Nothing. When I expressed my concern to my husband he told me his mom didn't do it "on purpose" (uhm, right) and that I was overreacting. I told him that was not the case and I had never, ever, regretted any decision I had made regarding my son's father (as far as not taking him to court for child support, making him be a part of my son's life when he didn't want to be, etc) and his mother made me feel like my son could never have a father unless I took his to court for child support and forced visitation time. His response to that? He'd never pick my side over his mother's, ever. Again, I was given the option of "This is how it is, you learn to deal, or there's the door".

I wanted to just go home THAT day, but I didn't. I stayed anyway.

What hit me was last week. His daughter was up visiting for the week. To start the week, she told him on several days in a row that she hated him and wanted to go home (she's almost four, by the way). I came home from work with him upset - he even wanted to call her mom to take her home early... I was left comforting him telling him that she doesn't understand what she's saying and he just has to consistent with positive love. So he decided to not take her home early.

The beginning of last week comes around and I guess he put her on the porch (with the baby gate up) so he could mow the yard. He told her to not open the door to let any of the animals out. That night he mentioned to me that he thinks my cat got out. I say that's insane because she WON'T go outside (she really won't). However the next day when she hadn't even came to eat, I had to face the truth: she wasn't in the house. So he leaves to take his daughter to the shelter to see if my cat is maybe there. I guess on the way she admits that she had opened the door and let the cat out. They come home and he tells her to go tell me what she told him and she does one of those cry about it and talk about something else numbers that little kids do when they know they did something bad and don't want to get in trouble. I was horribly upset and I finally told my husband he should take her home a couple hours early so he could go around and ask the neighbors if they saw my cat. It was the day to take her home, it literally would have been a couple hours and I couldn't call in to work. I love my cat, but we can't afford that. My husband looked at me like I suggested a murder or something. I'm not really mad his child, I know she's four and I know she didn't do it in a "let's lose the cat" way - I am mad at my husband though. 

I do have this bitter resentment of the child situation though. He constantly tries to tell me that I do the "that's my kid" thing with my son (which I really don't) - yet I get no say in anything regarding his child, ever. I'm basically treated as though I'm there at his house and I should be available to BABYSIT her when she comes in the summer and he has to work. I'm not a step-mother or a parental unit at his house, I'm a babysitter. I've actually done a good job (considering) trying to make her feel happy at our house - and I actually don't like children, at all. My son was an accident, and while I love him and would NEVER, EVER change it for the world, had he not have happened, I would have had children. And yes, my husband KNEW this from the get-go and just keep persistently trying to court me (I wasn't interested at first). 

So here comes our problem...

I want nothing to do with his mother. She's crossed every line and is not welcomed into my life nor my son's. He's made it clear that I will never come before his mother - so I don't see how he can have both.

I'm also very bitter with the situation with his child. The baby mama thing is what started it, and I've done really well not making my feelings towards how the ADULTS are acting effect how I act towards his daughter, but after the last week, I don't feel confident that I can still do that. That's not fair to HIS child. She's just an innocent child and her own biological parents have already drug her around and around and around and to hell and back and she doesn't deserve more confusion from other adults in her life. I can't live being treated like a babysitter, though, and I already told him that I'm not watching her for him.

I think I've already made up my mind about the matter. I feel like a complete failure in life and I never dreamed that my marriage would be shattered four months in to it. I just don't know what else to do. He doesn't listen to me, he doesn't follow through with his promises, there's so much added baggage on his end and he acts like I'm bottom priority in EVER manner that I'm just trying to inch my way out.

He's also been SMOOTHERING me since I moved my things out last Friday. He's been spamming me text messages with the "I can't believe you really left" followed by the "I want you to come back" ended with the "We took vows we have to stick this out, you can't walk away" bull****. He's also showed up at my place of employment. Last night my sister was over and asked if he was here, and I was like no... looked out the window and he's camping out on my front porch. (Apparently he was planning to stay until I agreed to come home.) I'm not really one to be turned on by that kind of behavior (I was actually quite mortified when he showed up at my work and horrified when I saw him on my porch) - I need to have space and time and clear my mind and he's just been constantly shoving it down my throat. 

I feel so much happier, relieved and relaxed since I've moved home. and I feel like now he's trying to scare or bully me into trying to stick to the marriage. But I don't think I can. I think I married him for not the best reasons in the first place (not that I don't love him) and now all of our problems keep piling and not getting better and I realized that I made a huge mistake.

Thanks if you read this far, I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I think I needed to just more or less get it off of my chest.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Definitely, things need changing but only if both of you are willing to do the work.

Perhaps counseling. I would stay where you are at....that lets him know that you are serious. However, you need to evaluate if you want to save the marriage. Once you do...put your effort into it and get help.

Mother in law should NEVER come before wife----that is bibilical even. That will always come up in your marriage and be a source of conflict. 

You are in the position to get your questions answered truthfully or else!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think you already have your answer.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. This is the mantra I kept reminding myself of, leading to my decision to divorce. We got to a place where I had no expectation, or belief, that she could possibly account for all of the gaps that had been created. If I went back, it simply meant more of the same.

You don't have a lot of options when you can no longer tolerate the issues created, or ignored by your partner - and they instead blame you for being intolerant.

That's going to happen, but it shouldn't stop you from making a decision that you deserve far better than your getting.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

your situation does sound very complicated. i think the exe wife would bother me the most. 

i do think it was kind of childish of you to ask him to take his daughter home early- especially since you had just convinced him to use positive love. but i can understand you were feeling overwhelmed by everything else. 

I think you guys should go your separate ways. you are living that way already.


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## Cea Me (Jul 17, 2009)

In my experience, there is no Brady Bunch?, the children and x's & mother-in-laws will always be in your life. It is so hard to get by. Because of "Mommy in laws " the last 20 year interferences, our 20 year marriage is going down the drain, the "golden child" with the family blood bond will always rule supreme, it is so hard to move on, but there is life, good life after the grief of the failed union is overcome. Move on, enjoy your children, find love when your child is grown into a strong fine person.


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