# When a wife cries rape after an affair



## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Troll -Amp


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So she claimed he raped her so she went back and let him rape her again? Did she say how many times? If a man had raped me I would not being going to a party where he was going to be or spending any time alone with him again. Also if she was raped why did she spend the night with him???
She has also cheated with 2 men before(and I realise you cheated as well), its a pattern.

I would call her out on it and say that as she has been raped you are going to the police and you want her to leave her job immediately. So what if you have to go home. If the rape was real she wouldn't want to see him again. She would be glad to leave.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

This is deep! Wow

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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

Can she get it on tape emails txt & sue for sexual harassment 

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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

He needs to be in jail

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JL0 said:


> No judgement please… If I wasn’t so confused I wouldn’t be posting here. I always swore I wouldn’t be the type of person to post to a group of anonymous strangers. Well… here I am, because this sure isn’t a thing I can talk to with friends.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We married on the younger side at 19. To give a brief history, 11 years ago I cheated on my wife while she was out of the country for a year. 7 years ago my wife had an affair with two men when I became very distant with her. One was purely sex and the other closer resembled a relationship. They were not at the same time but did slightly overlap. We did not go through marriage therapy after my infidelity (because it didn’t come out until she had her affair) but did after my wife’s. I’m going to say that it took about 4 years to get things back to a point that I’d consider good.
> 
> ...


I'm a woman and hopefully sensitive to these things but I call BS on your wife's story. She has a history of sleeping with other men, how can someone be raped more than once, unless they are a child, or kidnap victim. Her boss may have power over her, for sure but to this extent? I think you should insist your wife goes with you to a rape trauma center and a therapist to get to the bottom of this. 
How serious would it be if she lost her job and you went home?
Is her boss married?


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

My wife is claiming that she gave him oral 6 times in the workplace and she didn't want to but he threatened her job. Following that was the work party which was when he allegedly raped her with penetrative sex threatening to fire her if she didn't oblige or if she told anyone. After the work party my wife spend the night with a friend because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Her boss is married and he does have the power to fire her and in turn force her to go home, and I'd of course go with her. If my wife were fired she would need to leave the country and go back home, I'd go with her we've had enough problems being separate. We're on a contract and would pay about $6000 to terminate it if we both left right now. That, and being foreign she doesn't want to report it.

It doesn't add up in my head. Why wouldn't she say anything before when it was "just" oral? In what world is that acceptable? The friend that she allegedly stayed with would lie through her teeth. If I hadn't called her out she wouldn't have told me at all, which screams affair not rape. She hasn't wanted to have sex, but that can be explained by the STD (as well as rape). However, when it was "just" oral our sex life didn't suffer. (Yes, btw I have been tested).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn't believe it.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

GusPolinski - you seem to be in good company.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly you have to choices either have her press charges or divorce her.....either way she cheated and your marriage has not gotten better time to move on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I might very well be wrong here, but am I among the select few who would absolutely find her credibility to be seriously lacking?

I would love to cross-examine her as a hostile witness!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are the laws in the country where you live? Do they even really pursue rapists? Would she have a case if she brought a suit against the company for sexual harassment? 

If it's rape, or him forcing her to keep her job, then could she get him to talk about this while she is wearing a VAR (voice activated recorder)?

Why do you think she told you about this if she was having consensual sex with the guy?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Have her file charges.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JL0 said:


> My wife is claiming that she gave him oral 6 times in the workplace and she didn't want to but he threatened her job. Following that was the work party which was when he allegedly raped her with penetrative sex threatening to fire her if she didn't oblige or if she told anyone. After the work party my wife spend the night with a friend because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Her boss is married and he does have the power to fire her and in turn force her to go home, and I'd of course go with her. If my wife were fired she would need to leave the country and go back home, I'd go with her we've had enough problems being separate. We're on a contract and would pay about $6000 to terminate it if we both left right now. That, and being foreign she doesn't want to report it.
> 
> It doesn't add up in my head. Why wouldn't she say anything before when it was "just" oral? In what world is that acceptable? The friend that she allegedly stayed with would lie through her teeth. If I hadn't called her out she wouldn't have told me at all, which screams affair not rape. She hasn't wanted to have sex, but that can be explained by the STD (as well as rape). However, when it was "just" oral our sex life didn't suffer. (Yes, btw I have been tested).


I just cant imagine doing those things with a man just to make sure I can keep a job and not have to go home. Why cant she look for another job? Is it that bad to go back home to be with friends and family again?

I think you need to a)make sure his wife knows, b)make sure his boss/company knows, and c)tell her she must leave. I am sure she will not have to pay anything if she tells the company what has happened(if that is really the truth). You have work so cant you both stay as a married couple until your contract ends?

I would have gone to my husband the first time the man even hinted at it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Which country are you from?

In which country do you currently live?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Count me as another who doesn't believe her, but to be honest I think it's missing the point.

If my wife were to see it as "not that bad" to have sex with another man despite my objections, and was then prepared to continue in the situation that had led to sex, consentual or otherwise, rather than accept a $6,000 loss due to breaking a contract, then I would feel the marriage was untenable. Whether it is technically rape or not would be irrelevant to me if she chose to stay in that position. I couldn't accept it.

Obviously you have to consider the legalities of your contractual position, but I think my approach would be "I am giving notice tomorrow, wrapping up my affairs, and going home on this date. If you want to come too, then we can work on things. If not, then I know where I stand. We are in trouble. We may not make it, but we have no chance at all if we stay where we are." No compromise, no discussion.


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## rustybrain (Mar 7, 2016)

'it has occurred more than once but “not that bad” - from my wife’s mouth'. A red flag here. A major red flag. If your wife was raped and perceives rape as 'not that bad' she needs help and has serious issues. If your wife is making this up, she needs help and has serious issues. She is also a sinister piece of work.

Don't sit and wait. Investigate with an open mind. VAR, Keylogger. Check her social media, credit cards. Look for a pattern. Check out the bosses social media. But the best piece of advice, get to know work her colleagues. Ask about them both. 

If this turns out to be trickle truth and an affair, god help you. She is dangerous. Cut her loose and run.

If it is true, your wife is messed up and needs help.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

rustybrain said:


> 'it has occurred more than once but “not that bad” - from my wife’s mouth'. A red flag here. A major red flag. If your wife was raped and perceives rape as 'not that bad' she needs help and has serious issues. If your wife is making this up, she needs help and has serious issues. She is also a sinister piece of work.
> 
> Don't sit and wait. Investigate with an open mind. VAR, Keylogger. Check her social media, credit cards. Look for a pattern. Check out the bosses social media. But the best piece of advice, get to know work her colleagues. Ask about them both.
> 
> ...


Stay and investigate for what? There have been six incidents. How long till there's a seventh?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JL0 said:


> My wife is claiming that she gave him oral 6 times in the workplace and she didn't want to but he threatened her job. Following that was the work party which was when he allegedly raped her with penetrative sex threatening to fire her if she didn't oblige or if she told anyone. After the work party my wife spend the night with a friend because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Her boss is married and he does have the power to fire her and in turn force her to go home, and I'd of course go with her. If my wife were fired she would need to leave the country and go back home, I'd go with her we've had enough problems being separate. We're on a contract and would pay about $6000 to terminate it if we both left right now. That, and being foreign she doesn't want to report it.
> 
> It doesn't add up in my head. Why wouldn't she say anything before when it was "just" oral? In what world is that acceptable? The friend that she allegedly stayed with would lie through her teeth. If I hadn't called her out she wouldn't have told me at all, which screams affair not rape. She hasn't wanted to have sex, but that can be explained by the STD (as well as rape). However, when it was "just" oral our sex life didn't suffer. (Yes, btw I have been tested).


Is the boss of a different culture, how does that culture treat women? how are the police in that culture?
This boss is playing with fire, she could expose him and have him kicked out of his company. If this is true, he has probably done this to someone else. 
Go make a police report immediately, then follow through. With this police report, the company will not terminate the contract but ask you to go quietly, they would want to avoid any scandal at all costs. Therefore your wife is holding the aces here. He might claim it is her word against his, but if she approaches HR, Im sure any whiff of impropriety will send them scrambling to let her leave (maybe with a bonus).
However, if she has been raped, this is sexual assault and harassment and she can sue the company. 

The best thing for you do to, is tell your wife you are going to make a police report and she is coming. If she protests, say you are doing it without her and informing the HR of the company and the boss's wife. This may be the catalyst for her to tell you the truth.

You could also ask for a polygraph.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

JL0 said:


> My wife is claiming that she gave him oral 6 times in the workplace and she didn't want to but he threatened her job. Following that was the work party which was when he allegedly raped her with penetrative sex threatening to fire her if she didn't oblige or if she told anyone. After the work party my wife spend the night with a friend because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Her boss is married and he does have the power to fire her and in turn force her to go home, and I'd of course go with her. If my wife were fired she would need to leave the country and go back home, I'd go with her we've had enough problems being separate. We're on a contract and would pay about $6000 to terminate it if we both left right now. That, and being foreign she doesn't want to report it.
> 
> It doesn't add up in my head. Why wouldn't she say anything before when it was "just" oral? In what world is that acceptable? The friend that she allegedly stayed with would lie through her teeth. If I hadn't called her out she wouldn't have told me at all, which screams affair not rape. She hasn't wanted to have sex, but that can be explained by the STD (as well as rape). However, when it was "just" oral our sex life didn't suffer. (Yes, btw I have been tested).


JLO,

Think for a minute here with your brain and not your heart. Your wife has a history of cheating on you both once just for sex and once with emotions involved. And of course that is what you know. You do not know if there have been others that you did not catch.

Now on to the present. So she now claims she she has basically become a "sex" slave to her boss , giving him blow jobs at work whenever the urge strikes him so she will not get fired. And she has done this repeatedly and had no problem coming home to you and making like nothing is wrong. And now all of a sudden she disappears for the night and has sex with a guy she has been blowing regularly and its rape because she never made it home.

Sorry, you are in denial my friend. You can stay there is you want to . Your call. And apparently you are seriously considering just sucking it up and letting her continue to work there with him all day long knowing he will be back for a blow job soon just so she keeps the job. You really think that is the smart thing to do. Basically you are for money letting her be his sex plaything over her job.

So if you want advice, here is some
(1) you obviously are in some country where you are confident if she accuses him not only will she lose her job but you guys will be heading home. So why are you going to bother going that route???
(2) lets say you tell his wife. She still works with him every day and if he's going to fire her if she does not have sex with him what do you think he will do when you tell his wife.??? You're in same spot.
(3) this "rape" thing is the new "fallback" position for women when they screw a guy and decide it was not a good idea the next day. I'll suggest how you find the answer to that one out in a minute
(4) She obviously has friends who know she is having sex with this guy. She was at the party so what did she tell her "friend" where she stayed??? So now you have a wife working with her "sugar daddy" who provides her a job as long as she gives him blow jobs which she has voluntarily gone along with until she stashed out all night. And my bet is it has not just been oral sex. You can believe that if you want to.

So you my friend are in a situation that you are going to have a difficult time getting out of unless you start to get real with yourself here and face the probable truth. YOUR PROBLE IS YOUR WIFE not THIS ASS HOLE SHE IS SEWRTVICING. If she had made it home the other night you would know nothing . So start with getting the truth, and if you berlieve her story here that smells like fish that has been left out for a week, no advice will help you.
(1) find a polygraph examiner one that has experience in infidelity. You are usually allowed four or five questions. This one is easy
(A) Have you had sexual intercourse with boss or sexual relations other than him and the two affairs since marriage
(B) Has he threatened you with firing or exposure to husband if you do not sexually perform sex with him
(C) Did you have sex at the party against your will 
(D) Do your co workers know what you have been doing with him
(2) See an attorney
(3) buy tickets to get home wherever that is with or without her

Now if that sounds too drastic for you than play this game with her and get up each morning knowing she will be spending the day a few feet from a guy she is having sex with . If that sounds good, do nothing but take a deep breath. What other alternatives do you have???? If he is this brazen to be threatening her and not worried about getting fired himself why do you think it will stop???
And that of course assuming that the story about coercion from a multiple time cheater is correct.

I'm not telling you to divorce or not to, although I can't imagine why you want to stay. But to stay under the circumstances you describe is senseless. Any literature you read will tell you the FIRST thing that has to happen is one of them leaves the job. You seem to be deciding that the money is more important than having a wife not having sex with other men. No way to sugar coat it. Sorry


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

Go to your wife and say that you both either go to the police to report it or you will confront your wifes boss as it cannot go on unquestioned.

Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MancMan said:


> Go to your wife and say that you both either go to the police to report it or you will confront your wifes boss as it cannot go on unquestioned.
> 
> Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.


If they are, for example, living in a Muslim country a rape victim is lashed multiple times for adultery.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rustybrain said:


> 'it has occurred more than once but “not that bad” - from my wife’s mouth'. A red flag here. A major red flag. If your wife was raped and perceives rape as 'not that bad' she needs help and has serious issues. If your wife is making this up, she needs help and has serious issues. She is also a sinister piece of work.
> 
> Don't sit and wait. Investigate with an open mind. VAR, Keylogger. Check her social media, credit cards. Look for a pattern. Check out the bosses social media. But the best piece of advice, get to know work her colleagues. Ask about them both.
> 
> ...


A child sex abuse survivor might not see this type of assault as being too serious. Not making an excuse, just pointing out a possibility.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
All other factors aside I find one aspect of your post deeply troubling. Your wife seems to have a very nonchalant attitude about sex outside of marriage. There could be several reasons for this but it is concerning nevertheless. Rape is universally defined as sex that is physically forced on another or performed under the threat of physical violence. For your wife to cry rape in this instance I find to be inapplicable. Coercion most certainly, extortion perhaps but not rape. Rape is inescapable, her situation was not. What I see is a woman who traded sexual favors for a job. Is the job worth more than her integrity and your marriage? To her it apparently is and this is what I find so disturbing. I regretfully feel that this marriage is just not that important to her.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

My boss would have to have a gun to my head. If he EVER THINKS I'm getting on my knees & sucking his rapist d!ck.. I'll bite that **** off soo fast

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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

DEMI6 said:


> My boss would have to have a gun to my head. If he EVER THINKS I'm getting on my knees & sucking his rapist d!ck.. I'll bite that **** off soo fast
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


Case in point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> All other factors aside I find one aspect of your post deeply troubling. Your wife seems to have a very nonchalant attitude about sex outside of marriage. There could be several reasons for this but it is concerning nevertheless. Rape is universally defined as sex that is physically forced on another or performed under the threat of physical violence. For your wife to cry rape in this instance I find to be inapplicable. Coercion most certainly, extortion perhaps but not rape. Rape is inescapable, her situation was not. What I see is a woman who traded sexual favors for a job. Is the job worth more than her integrity and your marriage? To her it apparently is and this is what I find so disturbing. I regretfully feel that this marriage is just not that important to her.


Rape is not merely confined in the way you state.

Rape can be by threat of or use of violence.

It can also be by threats other than of violence, by impersonation, by the use of drugs or other intoxicating substances, statutory rape (where legal consent is not valid, even if given) and so on.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Wow, ok, there are a lot more replies than I was expecting. I expected just a few. Please bear with me while I read and respond.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Honestly you have to choices either have her press charges or divorce her.....either way she cheated and your marriage has not gotten better time to move on.


After going through marriage therapy our marriage did get better. For at least the last year things were what I would consider, very good. We worked hard to rebuild our marriage after both of our infidelities, it wasn't fun and would have been easier to walk away. That makes me wonder why she would throw it away.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *I might very well be wrong here, but am I among the select few who would absolutely find her credibility to be seriously lacking?
> 
> I would love to cross-examine her as a hostile witness!*


You seem to be in good company, I don't think anyone had a different opinion. I have questioned her and she always stays with the same answers, but that could be from rehearsing. She is tightlipped.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What are the laws in the country where you live? Do they even really pursue rapists? Would she have a case if she brought a suit against the company for sexual harassment?
> 
> If it's rape, or him forcing her to keep her job, then could she get him to talk about this while she is wearing a VAR (voice activated recorder)?
> 
> Why do you think she told you about this if she was having consensual sex with the guy?


From who I have talked to, rapists are pursued but convictions are harder to get though they do go up to the death penalty. The person I spoke to said in order for a rapist to be convicted he has to either admit to the rape or there must be witnesses, who are male. Women can be charged as having extramarital sex with or without a rape conviction. If I a woman knows and has previous interactions (sexual or not) with the man she had extramarital sex with a rape conviction will not go through. If the woman was raped by a stranger, it's case by case. Consensual or not, extramarital sex is illegal. Alcohol could prevent a woman from reporting, because she will be tested for alcohol consumption and fined/jail. 

I'm not as familiar with it, but I have been told that if you record a private conversation you can be imprisoned for up to 7 years. 

Her boss is originally from the UK. I don't think she would have told me about it if I hadn't confronted her and suspected she had an affair. She said nothing about it until I asked if she was having an affair, then she said she was raped. I understand a woman not wanting to report rape, but I don't understand or believe a woman not wanting to tell her husband. Especially in these circumstances.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Wazza said:


> Count me as another who doesn't believe her, but to be honest I think it's missing the point.
> 
> If my wife were to see it as "not that bad" to have sex with another man despite my objections, and was then prepared to continue in the situation that had led to sex, consentual or otherwise, rather than accept a $6,000 loss due to breaking a contract, then I would feel the marriage was untenable. Whether it is technically rape or not would be irrelevant to me if she chose to stay in that position. I couldn't accept it.
> 
> Obviously you have to consider the legalities of your contractual position, but I think my approach would be "I am giving notice tomorrow, wrapping up my affairs, and going home on this date. If you want to come too, then we can work on things. If not, then I know where I stand. We are in trouble. We may not make it, but we have no chance at all if we stay where we are." No compromise, no discussion.


To clarify for context (not that I think it really matters), when my wife said it "wasn't that bad" she meant it hadn't gone that far previously. Either way, she didn't think giving another man "forced" oral sex was worth mentioning to me. I cannot imagine a world where a woman would rather be around a rapist and be raped than face some consequences that are not the end of the world. Suck, yes, but not the end of the world.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

rustybrain said:


> 'it has occurred more than once but “not that bad” - from my wife’s mouth'. A red flag here. A major red flag. If your wife was raped and perceives rape as 'not that bad' she needs help and has serious issues. If your wife is making this up, she needs help and has serious issues. She is also a sinister piece of work.
> 
> Don't sit and wait. Investigate with an open mind. VAR, Keylogger. Check her social media, credit cards. Look for a pattern. Check out the bosses social media. But the best piece of advice, get to know work her colleagues. Ask about them both.
> 
> ...


I seem to agree with this, either way she has some struggles. If she had/is having another affair then our marriage is toast after everything we have already gone through and worked through. If she was raped and she can continue to be for a job, she needs therapy. If she can make up being raped, she needs therapy. 

I have looked into all of her accounts, devices, personal documents and have found nothing. However, that means squat because she hid her affairs extremely well. The only thing I have not done is record anything she says, because that is illegal, and had contact with the people she works with. We don't work together so it is more difficult to do that. One friend that she works with is who she stayed overnight with, allegedly, but would lie about the sky being blue. 

If we are to separate, I could finish my contract here but that could lead to problems with assets and divorcing if she didn't stay.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Thound said:


> Have her file charges.


She has refused to. It is not as simple as reporting in UK/US/CA/AU. We were advised before coming that some crimes shouldn't be reported unless we leave the country first.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Which country are you from?
> 
> In which country do you currently live?


We are both from Canada. We are currently in UAE.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I just cant imagine doing those things with a man just to make sure I can keep a job and not have to go home. Why cant she look for another job? Is it that bad to go back home to be with friends and family again?
> 
> I think you need to a)make sure his wife knows, b)make sure his boss/company knows, and c)tell her she must leave. I am sure she will not have to pay anything if she tells the company what has happened(if that is really the truth). You have work so cant you both stay as a married couple until your contract ends?
> 
> I would have gone to my husband the first time the man even hinted at it.


Sleeping with a man to have a job, which equals money, has a hint of prostitution to me. I wouldn't categorize them together but it'd be close. She could have told me. I wouldn't have a second thought between giving oral sex to a man (or woman to make the case fair) and canceling our contracts and leaving. She (and I) cannot find a different job here because she is here to do a specific job. It was organized before we left our home country, and not the first time we've gone abroad. If something happens with her placement, she leaves the country immediately. Going home in itself is not a bad thing. The negative is that contracts are broken, fees have to be paid and we most likely would not be able to go abroad again unless it were organized differently. Not that I'd want, if I were raped. 

Reporting could result in a extramarital intercourse charge, for both my wife and her boss. In order to be free from consequences from the contract, the crime would have to be reported. She won't want to report unless it's a clear case for rape and it's not. Not to me, anyone here and it won't be to the police. I do agree that we should leave though, consequences or not. I'm not having my wife screw someone she's working with, or if what she is saying is true, being raped. Not happening.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Wazza said:


> Stay and investigate for what? There have been six incidents. How long till there's a seventh?


There has already been 7 "incidents", oral 6 times and penetration once. I have doubts that it has only taken place 7 times. We have been here for 8 months, she claimed that it started 3 months in. She said she will avoid him for the next few months. Sure. If he is coercing her he will do it regardless of her "avoiding" him, if they are having an affair that was just another lie. 

Wrong or not, if my wife hadn't had an affair (2) I think I would believe her. However, I can't really say because that would be a much different wife and life.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> A child sex abuse survivor might not see this type of assault as being too serious. Not making an excuse, just pointing out a possibility.


I understand what you are saying, but she has never mentioned anything about being sexually abused as a child. The closest would be a first boyfriend she had in 7th grade who "kinda, sorta" raped her. She said no to sex, he progressed anyway, she didn't physically try to stop it and continued to see him after that. She confronted him years later and he didn't think it was rape at all. Regret or rape, I'll never know.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Implicit in her story is that she will continue submitting herself to keep this job. 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

JL0 said:


> From who I have talked to, rapists are pursued but convictions are harder to get though they do go up to the death penalty. The person I spoke to said in order for a rapist to be convicted he has to either admit to the rape or there must be witnesses, who are male. Women can be charged as having extramarital sex with or without a rape conviction. If I a woman knows and has previous interactions (sexual or not) with the man she had extramarital sex with a rape conviction will not go through. If the woman was raped by a stranger, it's case by case. Consensual or not, extramarital sex is illegal. Alcohol could prevent a woman from reporting, because she will be tested for alcohol consumption and fined/jail.


Why the HELL would your wife even *want* to live in a ****-hole like this in the first place? Stray dogs on the street get more respect than woman do in that 7th Circle of Hell you're living in.

Your wife is lying to you, obviously. If being (supposedly) coerced into sex or 'she'd be fired' means that you'd both have to immediately leave the country (a godsend in my opinion) why wouldn't she come running to you FIRST and tell you what's happening so you can discuss a game plan together as a TEAM? Come on - it's not like the guy broke into your house, tied you to a chair with a gun pointed at your head, then forced himself on her while you two helplessly had to suffer the consequences. She was free to LEAVE work the *first *time he supposedly told her she'd be having sex with him or be fired, or at the very least, CALL you and talk to you about it. Her story is SUCH a boatload of manure.

I guess her affair partner gave her an STD and at least she had the decency to stay away from you while taking her penicillin. Such a class act she is.

She obviously has no problem crossing the line and has a history of doing it. She overplayed her hand this time, you caught her, and now she's lying and throwing her boss under the bus to save her own hide.

So classic - and so cliche.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wazza said:


> "I am giving notice tomorrow, wrapping up my affairs, and* going home on this date. If you want to come too, then we can work on things.* If not, then I know where I stand. We are in trouble. We may not make it, but we have no chance at all if we stay where we are." No compromise, no discussion.


Uh, Wazz the heck are you thinking.

She initially gave the guy six blow jobs before she had penetrative sex. That is seven PA occurrences.

This is not rape, this is a business contract. He provides a job and money, she provides sex for him. Over and over.

*If you want to [go home], come and work on things?* WTF! 

She is, essentially, a paid sex worker. And you think he should even consider doing a reconciliation with her?

HE can do this if he wants, but why on earth recommend such action? He needs to take the six-grand hit. 

And lighten his load [by and equal] to ~130 lbs of Wayward Wife.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I'm sorry JLO,

but i think you are being sold a bill of goods....just file and move on. if she refuses then just your being a sap for staying married at this point and you have shifted power to her, one incident might be a rape but 6 is mutual acceptance and then considered an affair. unless your telling me she is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome she is providing an out for her affair.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I may be wrong in my assumption here, but I would think (hope) that most women who were raped would want to go home IMMEDIATELY. They would absolutely not stay with their rapist all night.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JL0 said:


> We are both from Canada. We are currently in UAE.


This latest revelation of yours tells it all. In the United Arab Emirates, you are at the mercy of Sharia Law.

Women employees are very often servants [to this type] of men. Sex servants. While over there and Kuwait, I noted that many women are imported from Sri Lanka as servants. Many are sexually abused. This is a man's right, not officially, but in fact. 

If your wife admits this, or files charges, she WILL be jailed and maybe executed.

I would leave [with her] immediately. It would be very hard for me to NOT leave a dead body behind. 

Once back in Canada, I would leave my dead marriage and her phony bull sailing-ship.

At "some time" in the future, that Arab fellow would get the Reconciliation that I refused to give to the wife.

Her OP boss and my Reconciliation would be a fatal attack-tion.

Just sayin'


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

JL0 said:


> From who I have talked to, rapists are pursued but convictions are harder to get though they do go up to the death penalty. The person I spoke to said in order for a rapist to be convicted he has to either admit to the rape or there must be witnesses, who are male. Women can be charged as having extramarital sex with or without a rape conviction. If I a woman knows and has previous interactions (sexual or not) with the man she had extramarital sex with a rape conviction will not go through. If the woman was raped by a stranger, it's case by case. Consensual or not, extramarital sex is illegal. Alcohol could prevent a woman from reporting, because she will be tested for alcohol consumption and fined/jail.
> 
> I'm not as familiar with it, but I have been told that if you record a private conversation you can be imprisoned for up to 7 years.
> 
> Her boss is originally from the UK. I don't think she would have told me about it if I hadn't confronted her and suspected she had an affair. She said nothing about it until I asked if she was having an affair, then she said she was raped. I understand a woman not wanting to report rape, but I don't understand or believe a woman not wanting to tell her husband. Especially in these circumstances.


Sorry dude. This is a pretty crummy situation.

My first reaction was that she was definitely cheating, but it could be either or, in the place you're living. Still don't think it being multiple times sounds like rape. But I really couldn't tell. There's not much you can do except A) divorce her B) stay and let some other guy continue to **** your wife C) stay and make her leave her job, or D) return to the civilized world and try to work on your marriage.

I'd opt for coming home. Then you can decide if you want to try to R again (I don't think I would) or file for D.

This is why you don't associate with barbarian cultures folks.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a perfect example of why rape is such a difficult crime to prosecute. There is such a strong tendency to look at a woman's history to judge the the truth of her story because there is no solid evidence otherwise.

I don't know why she would have told the OP about this if she hadn't been raped. Why mention it at all if it was an affair? (or I missed a post). I would have expected a false claim of rape to happen after she was discovered.

Many women will not report rape due to shame about it.

In general I think women should be believed if they claim they were raped, even without evidence. Often though there is not enough evidence for a conviction. 

I think threatening firing in order to get sex is "sexual harassment" , not rape in most places, but it is still a serious crime.

How desperately do you need the money from her job?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Will add my opinion to the mix. 

I highly doubt OP's wife is telling the truth, for all the same reasons people have posted: she had affairs before, didn't even tell OP about the oral sex, is throwing around accusations of "rape" over sexual assault that she tolerated for months at work, and is supposedly going to avoid her boss (or, the more likely thing, lie to OP again and continue having sex behind his back).

I also think that OP's wife is a terrible liar. Charges of rape will likely not play out well for her, given the UAE's unfair treatment of women (typical of barbaric Muslim countries) and the consequences of her being charged with "extramarital sex". Yet, despite these things, she chose to cite her main fear was around "losing her job". In my opinion, that's not ignorance talking; it's a big fat lie.

What to do? Assuming OP's wife is lying, likes her job, and wants to continue her affair at work, I see 3 scenarios:
1) OP stays in UAE with wife, hoping things will get better
2) OP leaves UAE; wife stays at her employer
3) OP leaves UAE and somehow persuades his wife to leave too

Scenario 1 is bad; inaction shouldn't even be an option for OP. Scenario 2 is the worst; OP's wife might not have been legitimately raped yet, but her risk of being raped is highest if she (a Western woman) is left alone in the UAE (a barbaric Muslim country). Scenario 3 is the best; I would highly recommend you both get out of the UAE and head back to Canada.

Assuming OP can pull off Scenario 3, here's the rest of the decision tree. OP requests his wife to press charges, once outside of the UAE. If she does it, this is a good signal that perhaps she (huge leap of faith needed here) didn't have an affair, and OP should work toward remediation (e.g. marriage counseling, the whole nine yards). If she still won't press charges, it confirms the affair and OP should divorce.

Normally, if there's no kids in a marriage, and one spouse stays faithful while the other spouse cheats, I'd recommend divorce. This situation leads to the faithful spouse tending to hold the affair over the cheating spouse for the rest of the marriage. OP's situation seems different though, in that OP was first to have an affair and withheld it from his wife until later learning of her affairs. Ironically, it's really no better behavior from OP than his wife's behavior now. I propose they try to make things work because cheating spouses are best matched for each other, insofar as the cheating stops. If the cheating is a pattern, divorce is in order.

It's very important that OP determine if his wife's behavior is indeed a pattern of cheating. If OP has stopped cheating, he deserves a faithful spouse. Hope this helps. Good luck!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Uh, Wazz the heck are you thinking.
> 
> She initially gave the guy six blow jobs before she had penetrative sex. That is seven PA occurrences.
> 
> ...


I am thinking that whether to attempt reconciliations is his decision, and if he's still there he hasn't decided yet. so I would get out of there now, not wait till the decision was made.

I can understand the hesitation to desert someone who had been raped, if that's what happened. I don't know enough to have an opinion on that, though the details provided raise questions about her boundaries to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is your company located? Are you working for a company that actually is in the UAE or and English company for example?

If it's a local company I would get the hell out. She could end up losing her head. They may accuse you of being complicit. The money could be good but how can they make you pay it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

uhtred said:


> This is a perfect example of why rape is such a difficult crime to prosecute. There is such a strong tendency to look at a woman's history to judge the the truth of her story because there is no solid evidence otherwise.
> 
> I don't know why she would have told the OP about this if she hadn't been raped. Why mention it at all if it was an affair? (or I missed a post). I would have expected a false claim of rape to happen after she was discovered.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she got an STD I think.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, maybe I'm a little too rigid on definitions (not my normal style actually) when it comes to rape. To me, rape implies some physical force or threat of physical force. That is, the victim is physically restrained, drugged, or threatened with violence. Some kind of forcible violence is involved, actual or threatened.

Threat of losing one's job is not violence. It is some form of harassment and is of course wrong and illegal. But the victim can choose not to do the sex act. Yes, they may suffer some serious financial harm and career harm by refusing, but they can refuse the sex act.

So I reject OP's wife's claim it was rape. If it was coerced under threat of losing her job then it was a crime but not rape.

Given her history of affairs, I am skeptical that the sex was coerced. There may indeed be some quid pro quo involved whereby she is getting some advantage in the work place rather than this being a regular affair. I suspect the sex is consensual.

The question is what to do about this. Somehow her hand has to be forced in order to reveal some truth.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Implicit in her story is that she will continue submitting herself to keep this job.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My wife said that she is going to avoid him and lay low so that "it won't happen again". To me that is the biggest load of horse crap. If he were really raping her or pressuring her, going under the radar isn't going to do anything other than get her fired - if what she says is true. If she were really raped, she wouldn't be able to be around him. Every day when she comes home we play 20 questions about what she did (or who she did) at work. She is playing with fire, not only with our marriage but her safety as well. Getting caught could have some very bad consequences. My wife said he threatened to out her for having sex with him or if she quits and tries to leave he'll have her arrested before she can leave. 

She refuses to leave, which says enough IMO.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why the HELL would your wife even *want* to live in a ****-hole like this in the first place? Stray dogs on the street get more respect than woman do in that 7th Circle of Hell you're living in.
> 
> Your wife is lying to you, obviously. If being (supposedly) coerced into sex or 'she'd be fired' means that you'd both have to immediately leave the country (a godsend in my opinion) why wouldn't she come running to you FIRST and tell you what's happening so you can discuss a game plan together as a TEAM? Come on - it's not like the guy broke into your house, tied you to a chair with a gun pointed at your head, then forced himself on her while you two helplessly had to suffer the consequences. She was free to LEAVE work the *first *time he supposedly told her she'd be having sex with him or be fired, or at the very least, CALL you and talk to you about it. Her story is SUCH a boatload of manure.
> 
> ...


Her reasoning for wanting to stay is that her boss threatened her (above post), which she didn't tell me until today so she is slowly adding to her lie OR trickle truthing in a weird way. Also that she doesn't want to face financial or legal consequences for breaking a contract and doesn't want it to affect future travel. My wife and I have travelled to 42 countries together, she has travelled to more alone through volunteer work or temporary placements. It would jeopardize having an "easy" way to travel. 

It makes me wonder if the reconciliation we did had any honesty to it, or was what she told me about her affairs filled with lies. At least she didn't cry rape with them, I suppose. 

We haven't had sex, or so much as kissed, since the night of that work party. Long enough for the STD to be treated and gone. She isn't taking antibiotics anymore. Sex went out the window while she was having affairs (to be fair, I rarely tried back then). Not that I want to have sex with her, now.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

Satya said:


> I may be wrong in my assumption here, but I would think (hope) that most women who were raped would want to go home IMMEDIATELY. They would absolutely not stay with their rapist all night.


Her story is that after he finished raping her she went and stayed the night with a work friend of hers because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Yet, when it was oral sex on the table there was no shame to be seen. My wife said that she "willingly unwillingly had sex with him". 

I don't think a single person that has commented had the opinion that her story was true. That says a lot.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Kind of hard to believe her story. However,it may be worth your time to get some info from a Canadian consular officer regarding laws and how to proceed.

Canadian government officials abroad can:

help in a medical emergency by providing a list of local doctors and hospitals;
provide advice and contact information for local police and medical services to victims of robbery, sexual assault or other violence;
provide assistance in cases of missing persons or the abduction of a child to another country;
replace a lost, stolen, damaged or expired passport;
contact relatives or friends to request assistance in sending you money or airline tickets;
transfer funds if urgent financial assistance is required and all other options have been exhausted;
contact next of kin, with your authorization, if you have had an accident or are detained by police;
advise local police in Canada to contact next of kin in case of death;
provide assistance to repatriate the remains of your loved one back to Canada;
help you, in case of a death abroad, to identify a funeral home experienced in international funeral arrangements in the region where the death took place as well as a funeral home in Canada;
request timely and transparent investigations into suspicious circumstances in the event of an alleged or apparent crime or death (although consular officials cannot interfere in an investigation or legal matter);
contact friends or family on your behalf, with your authorization.
provide you with a list of local lawyers;
provide you with sources of information about local laws and regulations.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> This latest revelation of yours tells it all. In the United Arab Emirates, you are at the mercy of Sharia Law.
> 
> Women employees are very often servants [to this type] of men. Sex servants. While over there and Kuwait, I noted that many women are imported from Sri Lanka as servants. Many are sexually abused. This is a man's right, not officially, but in fact.
> 
> ...


Her boss is originally from the UK. I've met him once, before my wife claims the side action started. He has been here a lot longer and he is middle eastern, but is from the UK. I don't know where his culture or views lie, or how much he resembles a middle eastern man here. That sounds like a cop out my wife would try and use. She did say that she wasn't the only one doing it, rather vaguely. 

A line that my wife has enjoyed using is that I’m projecting because I had an affair (11 years ago) and hid it for about 4 years. I’m a cheater so I see cheating everywhere, she seems to forget that she had two affairs when convenient. I do agree about leaving. I don't care if we have to pay for it, figuratively and literally.


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## JL0 (May 15, 2017)

uhtred said:


> This is a perfect example of why rape is such a difficult crime to prosecute. There is such a strong tendency to look at a woman's history to judge the the truth of her story because there is no solid evidence otherwise.
> 
> I don't know why she would have told the OP about this if she hadn't been raped. Why mention it at all if it was an affair? (or I missed a post). I would have expected a false claim of rape to happen after she was discovered.
> 
> ...


I agree that history shouldn't be a factor, but unfortunately it is - at least in these circumstances, with my wife. My wife didn't come out and tell me. My wife and I haven't so much as kissed in 5 weeks, since her work party when she didn't come home. I called her out on having an affair, and she said it was rape. She jumped on that wagon rather quickly.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

This is getting more bizarre each time you post . Let's recap
Serial cheater 
Giving blow jobs to her boss multiple times
Bangs her boss
Claims rape and has no problem going into same location as her rapist
Hides it all husband

But she'll lay low at work! If you could tell us how to avoid our boss for 8-10 hours a day at work in office you need to publish it and you'll be a millionaire in no time

And to top it all off you know what bull **** this is and your concern is keeping your passport current because your world travel might take a hit.
Amazing

This will be harsh . If you are swallowing this crap
Why are you even posting here ???


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JL0 said:


> We are both from Canada. We are currently in UAE.


Oh, my God. 
*
Do not let her report the rape to the UAE police! *

detainedindubai
British tourist 'gang-raped' in Dubai faces jail for having sex outside marriage
Charity Detained in Dubai tells people 'don't report rape' after victim arrested | Metro News


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> This is a perfect example of why rape is such a difficult crime to prosecute. There is such a strong tendency to look at a woman's history to judge the the truth of her story because there is no solid evidence otherwise.
> 
> I don't know why she would have told the OP about this if she hadn't been raped. Why mention it at all if it was an affair? (or I missed a post). I would have expected a false claim of rape to happen after she was discovered.
> 
> ...


She stayed out all night after a party so he asked her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JL0 said:


> My wife said that she is going to avoid him and lay low so that "it won't happen again". To me that is the biggest load of horse crap. If he were really raping her or pressuring her, going under the radar isn't going to do anything other than get her fired - if what she says is true. If she were really raped, she wouldn't be able to be around him. Every day when she comes home we play 20 questions about what she did (or who she did) at work. She is playing with fire, not only with our marriage but her safety as well. Getting caught could have some very bad consequences. My wife said he threatened to out her for having sex with him or if she quits and tries to leave he'll have her arrested before she can leave.
> 
> She refuses to leave, which says enough IMO.


She can leave without telling him and then tell the company when she gets home. She does not have to stay. It may be that she wanted to stop their affair and that's when he began to threaten her.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Among many other possibilities, it is possible for someone to have an affair AND be raped by that person. She might have consented to sex on some occasions but not others, or consented to certain sexual activities and not others. 

I don't have any way to know what happened, and the OP really doesn't either. I would believe my wife if she claimed she was raped, almost no matter what the circumstances. I can't imagine staying with someone I distrusted in such a basic fashion that I wouldn't believe that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JL0 said:


> From who I have talked to, rapists are pursued but convictions are harder to get though they do go up to the death penalty. The person I spoke to said in order for a rapist to be convicted he has to either admit to the rape or there must be witnesses, who are male. Women can be charged as having extramarital sex with or without a rape conviction. If I a woman knows and has previous interactions (sexual or not) with the man she had extramarital sex with a rape conviction will not go through. If the woman was raped by a stranger, it's case by case. Consensual or not, extramarital sex is illegal. Alcohol could prevent a woman from reporting, because she will be tested for alcohol consumption and fined/jail.
> 
> I'm not as familiar with it, but I have been told that if you record a private conversation you can be imprisoned for up to 7 years.
> 
> Her boss is originally from the UK. I don't think she would have told me about it if I hadn't confronted her and suspected she had an affair. She said nothing about it until I asked if she was having an affair, then she said she was raped. I understand a woman not wanting to report rape, but I don't understand or believe a woman not wanting to tell her husband. Especially in these circumstances.


I do wish you would tell us which country you are in so that we could look up the laws. So my response here is based only on what you have stated here about the laws.

The idea that it's only a rape if there is a male witness to the rape is beyond horrific. Most rapes are done in private. The chance of a man raping a women in front of another man who was not part of the rape is next to zero.

From what you say about the laws where you live, your wife would be a fool to report a rape there. 

In countries with those sort of laws, women often hide rapes from their husbands because very often the husband will report the rape. Then the woman is prosecuted whether she was raped or not. 

It would also do no good to report her boss to the company because in countries with the type of laws you state, few men are punished for adultery or fornication. Generally only the women are punished.

I rather doubt that any company in a country with laws like that give a hoot about bosses pushing themselves on female employees. I'll bet that the idea of sexual harassment on the job would even be considered.

If we take a moment looking at this as though we believe her story:

He forces her to do oral on her one time. After that he's got the upper hand because he can fire her which is a financial burden on the two of you. He could also report her for adultery. It does not matter if he was part of that adultery. What matters is that she committed adultery. So he is holding three things over her head: 1) he can tell you (her marriage) 2) He can fire her 3) he can have her prosecuted for adultery.

That's what we call coercion, and yes it's a type of rape. The thread in rape is not always physical violence. Sometimes it's other types of real threats.

I'm not going to make any decisions about whether or not she was raped or not based on a few words on a public forum. I'd have to talk further with your wife. 

My advice is to get your wife out of that country and away from that job. Then, once you are in another country deal with your marriage. 

You and your wife need to see counselors to work through this. If she was not raped, and this is an affair, then it will most likely come out. If she was raped, that would also most likely be clarified.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TBT said:


> Kind of hard to believe her story. However,it may be worth your time to get some info from a Canadian consular officer regarding laws and how to proceed.
> 
> Canadian government officials abroad can:
> 
> ...


Good advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JL0 said:


> Her story is that after he finished raping her she went and stayed the night with a work friend of hers because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Yet, when it was oral sex on the table there was no shame to be seen. My wife said that she "willingly unwillingly had sex with him".
> 
> *I don't think a single person that has commented had the opinion that her story was true. That says a lot*.


You need to understand the culture of TAM. The only way most people on TAM would believe that there was a rape is if he beat her to a pulp, tied her down and had sex with her while she screamed.

If he threatened her, as she is saying that he did, then yes it could be rape. You are living in a country where your wife could get sentence to prison, get dozens of lashes (which are life threatening) and then executed. 

You are asking people on the internet to determine something when they have only what you tell us. We cannot talk to your wife to hear her side of the story.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You need to understand the culture of TAM. The only way most people on TAM would believe that there was a rape is if he beat her to a pulp, tied her down and had sex with her while she screamed.
> 
> If he threatened her, as she is saying that he did, then yes it could be rape. You are living in a country where your wife could get sentence to prison, get dozens of lashes (which are life threatening) and then executed.
> 
> You are asking people on the internet to determine something when they have only what you tell us. We cannot talk to your wife to hear her side of the story.


Don't know how you say this. So boss is raping her and it is all true on the "overnight" at party. What about her voluntarily giving him blow jobs multiple times. And if its true, hardly likely, OP best course of action is to sit there and let it continue rather than leave the damm country over a few thousand dollars or his passport not staying active for their vacations. Now what man in his right mind continues to send his wife into that workplace for any reason with the assurances she will "lay low"

Do you really believe this is believable????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> Don't know how you say this. So boss is raping her and it is all true on the "overnight" at party. What about her voluntarily giving him blow jobs multiple times. And if its true, hardly likely, OP best course of action is to sit there and let it continue rather than leave the damm country over a few thousand dollars or his passport not staying active for their vacations. Now what man in his right mind continues to send his wife into that workplace for any reason with the assurances she will "lay low"
> 
> Do you really believe this is believable????


They live in a country where a woman who is raped is prosecuted if there are not four male witnesses who can testify that they witnessed a rape. So basically, any sex outside of marriage, rape or not, that is report to authorities leads to the women being prosecuted. The sentence can be anything from years in a UAE prison, to hundreds of lashing (life threatening) and even execution. As a foreigner, she might ‘only’ get 3 years in an UAE prison and deported. Or they could choose to throw the book at her.

This boss of her has the upper hand, all he has to do it so report her to the police and she will be charged under the law. Men are seldom charged with adultery or fornication in UAE. The boss holds all the cards. OP says that the boss did threaten to not allow her to leave the country (which he can do in the UAE and have her prosecuted for adultery.)

If he did threaten her as she says, then those bj’s were not voluntary. Nor was the what she is saying was rape at the social event.

I have no idea at all of what is the truth. Nor do you. I am not so stupid as to try to make a judgement on something this important based on a few posts on the internet. His wife is not here to answer questions. 

According to the OP, she had now agreed to leave the country. Smart of her. Hopefully she will get out before the boss knows what’s going on.

My bet is that when it comes to their marriage, it does not matter if it was rape or not. The marriage is over.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@JL0

Do you have possession of both of your passports and travel papers? Or is your employer holding them? It’s pretty common in some of those countries for the employer to hold the passports so that employees cannot leave the country without their permission. So I’m wondering about this.

Can you and your wife buy plane tickets out of the country and leave without the employer being notified?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> @JL0
> 
> Do you have possession of both of your passports and travel papers? Or is your employer holding them? It’s pretty common in some of those countries for the employer to hold the passports so that employees cannot leave the country without their permission. So I’m wondering about this.
> 
> Can you and your wife buy plane tickets out of the country and leave without the employer being notified?


OP,

There's something called the embassy of whatever country you are from. The UAE is not ISIS controlled territory and has relations that are cordial with all of the Western democracies. Are you trying to tell us you have to escape like the "Midnight Express" movie. Come on . If you're in that clandestine a position or she is than you sure as hell should not be posting here.

I don't know too many men who would not be needing a straight jacket not to confront someone they actually believed was raping their wife, and I know no one that would just continue to finish out the "contract" and daily never know when she would be summoned in for a blow job or more. Like I said, this is bizarre.

If you're in danger, get to an embassy. If you're not, get on a damm plane and stop this crap. You have already said you do not believe her story, so either get a polygraph done or just leave.

Still also waiting to hear the specifics on how she "lays low" .


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I do wish you would tell us which country you are in so that we could look up the laws. So my response here is based only on what you have stated here about the laws.



He did:
*"We are both from Canada. We are currently in UAE."*


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

JL0 said:


> I don't think a single person that has commented had the opinion that her story was true. That says a lot.


This board is like that. It errs on the side of assuming infidelity. 

The trouble is, when people cheat they tend to take fairly predictable steps to try and hide it. You see what looks like that pattern and assume the person must be cheating and lying about it. A lot of us who have been cheated on have well-founded trust issues (funny that!!!!!)

Your decision is - err on the side of giving her benefit of the doubt, and look like a fool when it turns out she had an affair, or err on the side of assuming guilt, and look like a creep when it turns out she told the truth. Only you can make that choice. 

Sometimes a man can't understand how the world looks through a woman's eyes. I'm not going to predict how a woman should act when raped. Her behaviour raises serious questions to me, but I am not qualified to have an opinion. And being in the UAE raises the stakes. I'm sure you know that already, but:

UK charity warns tourists in Dubai not to report rape after woman who was 'gang raped' arrested | The Independent

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women_in_the_United_Arab_Emirates (See the section headed "Sexual assault").

Know Your Rights: UAE Law Everything You Need To Know ( the section headed "Rape and Sexual Assault")

If it were me, I would take charge, book the tickets, escape, and resign / complain from Canada - after taking legal advice to be sure there was no risk of extradition.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rubix Cubed said:


> He did:
> *"We are both from Canada. We are currently in UAE."*


Yes, he posted the country while I was writing my the post asking for it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> OP,
> 
> There's something called the embassy of whatever country you are from. The UAE is not ISIS controlled territory and has relations that are cordial with all of the Western democracies. Are you trying to tell us you have to escape like the "Midnight Express" movie. Come on . If you're in that clandestine a position or she is than you sure as hell should not be posting here.
> 
> ...


When a woman who gets raped can be charged with adultery, the rules change. It doesn't have to be Isis to get dangerous.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> @JL0
> 
> Do you have possession of both of your passports and travel papers? Or is your employer holding them? It’s pretty common in some of those countries for the employer to hold the passports so that employees cannot leave the country without their permission. So I’m wonderiwing about this.
> 
> Can you and your wife buy plane tickets out of the country and leave without the employer being notified?


Woukd your embassy help you? Eg new papers if needed?

Sorry, not trying to teach you to suck eggs. Just erring on the side of ensuring you have the information to sort things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It is now illegal in the UAE for an employer to keep an employee’s passport against the employee’s will. 

•	However, it is very common for employers in the UAE to attempt to keep their employees' passports, despite many comments from various officials that say the practice is illegal. 
Employer keeping passport Dubai UAE

and more 

https://www.theverge.com/2015/4/16/8431401/workers-nyu-abu-dhabi-campus-passports-confiscated


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wazza said:


> When a woman who gets raped can be charged with adultery, the rules change. It doesn't have to be Isis to get dangerous.




So you would send your wife back for more?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"The system gives sponsors a set of legal abilities to control workers: *without the employer’s permission, workers cannot change jobs, quit jobs, or leave the country*. "

https://www.migrant-rights.org/2015...aw-at-cross-purposes-with-modern-development/


.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I would get out of there now





Wazza said:


> If it were me, I would take charge, book the tickets, escape, and resign / complain from Canada - after taking legal advice to be sure there was no risk of extradition.





Wazza said:


> Woukd your embassy help you? Eg new papers if needed?
> 
> Sorry, not trying to teach you to suck eggs. Just erring on the side of ensuring you have the information to sort things.





WorkingOnMe said:


> So you would send your wife back for more?


If you could seriously ask that after the things I have written, I am at a loss as to how I can make my position any clearer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JL0 said:


> Her boss is originally from the UK. I've met him once, before my wife claims the side action started. He has been here a lot longer and he is middle eastern, but is from the UK. I don't know where his culture or views lie, or how much he resembles a middle eastern man here. That sounds like a cop out my wife would try and use. She did say that she wasn't the only one doing it, rather vaguely.
> 
> A line that my wife has enjoyed using is that I’m projecting because I had an affair (11 years ago) and hid it for about 4 years. I’m a cheater so I see cheating everywhere, she seems to forget that she had two affairs when convenient. I do agree about leaving. I don't care if we have to pay for it, figuratively and literally.


JLO, this is a huge mess neither of you trust one another with your history. YOu should think about whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. YOu do not have kids so what is there to lose, you could just up and leave.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I do wish you would tell us which country you are in so that we could look up the laws. So my response here is based only on what you have stated here about the laws.
> 
> The idea that it's only a rape if there is a male witness to the rape is beyond horrific. Most rapes are done in private. The chance of a man raping a women in front of another man who was not part of the rape is next to zero.
> 
> ...


It is definitely a country where shariah laws apply, (the need for male witnesses). That changes everything. I live in such a country and women are treated like dirt by the shariah courts and yes he would have that kind of power over her, particularly is she is a western woman.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Thor said:


> Ok, maybe I'm a little too rigid on definitions (not my normal style actually) when it comes to rape. To me, rape implies some physical force or threat of physical force. That is, the victim is physically restrained, drugged, or threatened with violence. Some kind of forcible violence is involved, actual or threatened.
> 
> Threat of losing one's job is not violence. It is some form of harassment and is of course wrong and illegal. But the victim can choose not to do the sex act. Yes, they may suffer some serious financial harm and career harm by refusing, but they can refuse the sex act.
> 
> So I reject OP's wife's claim it was rape. If it was coerced under threat of losing her job then it was a crime but not rape.


Your definitions are too rigid, at least under UK law. Everything you've mentioned above would be rape because rape hinges on giving consent _willingly_ (Not attempting to use legal terms here). If, for instance, a woman is in an abusive relationship, she might find herself _unable to say "No"_ to sex. There may be no actual threat of abuse, just the potential for it. But's still rape. 

I agree with you that it's not the situation OP is dealing with here. 

Now the story shifts slightly as OP's WW hints that there may be other "victims". The thing is predatory bosses target low-hanging fruit. He didn't just walk up one day and demand a blowjob. Leave her past aside, once such demand was made, it says everything about her judgement, priorities, values and character that she didn't come to you directly. It's just money.

I'm with @Wazza, whether this was an affair where the truth came out due to her STD or a clear case of sexual harassment in the workplace, looks at how she (mis-)handled the situation. OP, don't get sucked into all the laws and legal ramifications of UAE rape laws. Maybe she is trying to maintain her lifestyle. Whatever her motivation your WW is snowing you and distracting you from what you should be doing.

1. Go to the Canadian High Commission. You'll get the best advice for your situation there.
2. Prepare to leave the UAE on you own if you have to. It's only money. She's a serial cheater.


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## Kerf (Apr 22, 2017)

OP, you know your wife better than us.Is she emotionally vulnerable to pressure, enough to do things against her will?

On one side we have her history of being unfaithful.On the other, you live in a country where women are at a disadvantage in situations like this.But it's not your wife's culture.She knows it's not a crime to refuse a man and that you have other options.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what I've seen JLO ., you should get the lashes for taking your wife to the UAE for any reason. How ignorant can a person be about the world you live in? You had to know as a world traveler that no woman is safe there and they are treated like slaves.

Btw, you said you are Canadian, what is your ethnicity?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Your Wife is lying. 

She wants to keep working for her "rapist". For real ???

She said he was raping her for 3 Months. It was not that bad because she gave only blowjobs!!! 

Please correct me if I am wrong but your Wife wants to stay there,work with her "rapist" because of 6000 dolars ?

You let your Wife go there every single day knowing she will have some kind of sex with him and you do nothing about it ?

Good luck to you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

JL0 said:


> After going through marriage therapy our marriage did get better. For at least the last year things were what I would consider, very good. We worked hard to rebuild our marriage after both of our infidelities, it wasn't fun and would have been easier to walk away. *That makes me wonder why she would throw it away.*


Because the therapy did not change her behavior pattern.

My cheating ex-wife went to marriage counselling with me--many times running late for this excuse or that one. In reality? She was dashing over to the session from the jerk's apartment after having sex.

She was in deep cover and i was in deep confusion.

Do not mistake your intent at the counseling with your wife's. EVEN if she appears in the sessions to be doing the work.

Watch her actual behavior. Not her words.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> "The system gives sponsors a set of legal abilities to control workers: *without the employer’s permission, workers cannot change jobs, quit jobs, or leave the country*. "
> 
> https://www.migrant-rights.org/2015...aw-at-cross-purposes-with-modern-development/
> 
> ...


Huh. I had been wondering about some of the stories I've been reading out of the ME, where folks working there are basically treated like slaves, and cannot leave. That explains it. Thanks for that Ele.

OP, I would do what you need to to get you and your W out of the country. Either he raped her, and you need to get your W as far away from this as possible, or she cheated, and you should handle this in your home country. Either way, I'd be going home. You may need to get your embassy to help you get out. Don't confront the boss. Don't talk to anyone in the ME about this.


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

JL0 said:


> No judgement please… If I wasn’t so confused I wouldn’t be posting here. I always swore I wouldn’t be the type of person to post to a group of anonymous strangers. Well… here I am, because this sure isn’t a thing I can talk to with friends.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We married on the younger side at 19. To give a brief history, 11 years ago I cheated on my wife while she was out of the country for a year. 7 years ago my wife had an affair with two men when I became very distant with her. One was purely sex and the other closer resembled a relationship. They were not at the same time but did slightly overlap. We did not go through marriage therapy after my infidelity (because it didn’t come out until she had her affair) but did after my wife’s. I’m going to say that it took about 4 years to get things back to a point that I’d consider good.
> 
> ...


Welcome aboard buddy. This is a tough story man. Both have been stepping out of the marriage. No one's perfect man. I don't think you're an ahole for not believing her. I'd have trust issues I think as well. Rape is not something I'd think she could just ignore and go back to work for the man who raped her. She'd have serious problems seeing him again if it truly was rape. It's a tough situation. I feel for ya

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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> So she claimed he raped her so she went back and let him rape her again? Did she say how many times? If a man had raped me I would not being going to a party where he was going to be or spending any time alone with him again. Also if she was raped why did she spend the night with him???
> She has also cheated with 2 men before(and I realise you cheated as well), its a pattern.
> 
> I would call her out on it and say that as she has been raped you are going to the police and you want her to leave her job immediately. So what if you have to go home. If the rape was real she wouldn't want to see him again. She would be glad to leave.


If it was real she could never go work for the same guy. You're correct. No way. 

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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

DEMI6 said:


> Can she get it on tape emails txt & sue for sexual harassment
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


Yes sir for this. Then she wouldn't need the job lol

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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

JL0 said:


> My wife is claiming that she gave him oral 6 times in the workplace and she didn't want to but he threatened her job. Following that was the work party which was when he allegedly raped her with penetrative sex threatening to fire her if she didn't oblige or if she told anyone. After the work party my wife spend the night with a friend because she was too ashamed to come home and didn't know what to tell me. Her boss is married and he does have the power to fire her and in turn force her to go home, and I'd of course go with her. If my wife were fired she would need to leave the country and go back home, I'd go with her we've had enough problems being separate. We're on a contract and would pay about $6000 to terminate it if we both left right now. That, and being foreign she doesn't want to report it.
> 
> It doesn't add up in my head. Why wouldn't she say anything before when it was "just" oral? In what world is that acceptable? The friend that she allegedly stayed with would lie through her teeth. If I hadn't called her out she wouldn't have told me at all, which screams affair not rape. She hasn't wanted to have sex, but that can be explained by the STD (as well as rape). However, when it was "just" oral our sex life didn't suffer. (Yes, btw I have been tested).


Man this is tough. I couldn't believe a word she says. For all you know there's been ten other men. Hey in sorry by the way for saying that^. I just feel that she can easily cheat and not care very much about doing it. 

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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Moliverna said:


> If it was real she could never go work for the same guy. You're correct. No way.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G928P using Tapatalk


Look up thread to backwards Muslim laws for the region they are currently living in. Leaving employment isn't necessarily allowed without the consent of the employer, who may be holding her passport. OP's W may have just been cheating, but I wouldn't completely rule out rape in this instance, because of where they are.


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

That's very true. Good point. 

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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

When a cheater is caught, in desperation they sometimes throw a "hail Marry"; believing there's a small chance they might get you to buy it.

Anecdotally, it seems that most often for a man, it's - "I can't help it because I'm a sex addict".

For a woman, it's - "Not my fault because I was raped/sexually harassed".

For the latter, I see no evidence for her story to be taken seriously. Knock her hail Mary pass down in the end zone and end the game.


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

I don't think that your wife is being completely honest with you. I really believe she doesn't want to report it because she doesn't want there to be an investigation and it's discovered that she lying. It doesn't matter where you are, rape is rape and it's wrong. Taking it lightly or using it to cover up your wrongdoing is sick. I'm positive that you both would find a way to pay off the termination fee especially if she is telling the truth... unfortunately, I don't think she is.

Sorry bro.

Please don't be a weak person and fall for her lies. For all you know, there could be more than one person she's been with that she's willing to throw under the bus to save face. Weak little girls do that ish. I really hope she tells you everything cause it sounds like she's hiding more than she's told you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are a cheater. 

Your wife is a cheater. 

Neither of you is suited to marriage. 

Divorce her and go get some intensive counseling for yourself to find out why you repetitively make one bad life decision after another. There is no saving this sham of a marriage or your broken wife.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK here are my thoughts on this:


We are talking about an Arab country here and a gulf one at that (as opposed to the Mediterranean ones). Rape is very hard to report in these Islamic countries. The law states (as you have rightly said) that it has to be witnessed by more than one local male and/or the rapist admits it. In certain countries like Pakistan, if the complaint is not upheld, the woman gets put to death for adultery, so it can vary in severity but the net result is to discourage the reporting of rape!


As for her boss - saying he is from the UK maybe technically correct but is an insult! He is an ARAB! In his thinking and the way he acts. So you can expect from him what you expect from the locals with the exception that he is more aware of how to abuse his position of power and knows how to get away with it.


Arabs tend to exploit certain ethnicities more than others - Indians, Sri Lankans, Philippinas, East Europeans get picked on most and many times, this results in them putting up with it to maintain their earning status there. So I will ask you - even though you are from Canada, what is your ethnicity ?


The above question is also linked to why you both value working in the UAE as being that important ??? Its not like the job situation in Canada is that bad. Many Asians and East Europeans value (incorrectly) being in the Middle East - I was born there (as an ex-pat) and 7th circle of hell doesn't even begin to describe it - and I mean from a local behaviour point of view not to mention the unbearable heat, sand storms and lack of anything that grows naturally. What I am trying to say is "WHY THE FVCK DONT YOU GUYS GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE?' 


This is not to say that Western women don't get into trouble there. I know somebody from the UK who went there (Dubai - which is more lenient) with her long-term partner, were caught being intimate (nothing too bad) in public, were then investigated and since they were not married, were arrested and their passports confiscated. The partner was thrown into jail and all their financial assets frozen and she ended up living out of a shopping trolley in a supermarket car park with other Europeans helping her to get by. This got sorted out in time and I found out after the fact. It is on the worst case side of things but you need to know more about where you have chosen to work and live.


Once you answer some of the questions above, I can give you a better opinion on whether your wife is lying, telling the truth or something in between. But you should seriously consider getting the hell out of there!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK here are my thoughts on this:
> 
> 
> We are talking about an Arab country here and a gulf one at that (as opposed to the Mediterranean ones). Rape is very hard to report in these Islamic countries. The law states (as you have rightly said) that it has to be witnessed by more than one local male and/or the rapist admits it. In certain countries like Pakistan, if the complaint is not upheld, the woman gets put to death for adultery, so it can vary in severity but the net result is to discourage the reporting of rape!
> ...


I so agree with this, I have no idea why anyone would live in these countries unless they have to, no matter how highly paid the work is.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You are being lied to and she is continuing her affair with her boyfriend right under your nose.

There isn't really any other way to dice this one.

Have you even verified if there was a work party? What did they do, go upstairs and bang like in a 80s frat boy movie? Come on, you may have been born during the day but you weren't born yesterday.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

JL0 said:


> We are both from Canada. We are currently in UAE.


jeez go back to canada after revealing this to the uae police.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> jeez go back to canada after revealing this to the uae police.


they need to NOT inform authorities other than the Canadian embassy/consulate. The police would likely hold the woman accountable for adultery and arrest her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Whatever really happened, both of you need to just get out of the country. Too much real risk to everyone involved. Get good advice from the Canadian consulate. Don't mention anything about rape or affairs to anybody. Just get out.

Once back in safe territory deal with the marriage issues.

The only way to get to the truth whether it was rape or a consensual affair is a polygraph. You can try to recover messages etc from all of her electronic devices. There may be proof hidden somewhere in a deleted message, but being a workplace affair they likely didn't exchange any salacious messages electronically.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

naiveonedave said:


> they need to NOT inform authorities other than the Canadian embassy/consulate. The police would likely hold the woman accountable for adultery and arrest her.


good point. Get the heck out of dodge, and when you are back in canada, i like the idea of a polygraph then! Also, of course, lots of STD testing....

do you have friends/family back in canada that you can stay with for a couple months as you get back onto your feet?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> they need to NOT inform authorities other than the Canadian embassy/consulate. The police would likely hold the woman accountable for adultery and arrest her.


I second this. Under no circumstances should this be reported to the cops. Whether she was raped or if it was adultery.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Troll, thread locked.


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