# I'm broken and don't know what to do



## Cadabra (Sep 1, 2012)

Im broken. Long story short my husband who I've been with for 10 years admitted he's been having an affair for several months. He only admitted b/c he knew he was going to get caught. The biggest problem is we have 3 children with the youngest being 5 months old. His affair began when my youngest was a month old. I'm staying at a hotel and I'm lost. I hate him but still love him. I have never felt pain like this in my life and don't know what to do. I can't function let alone put on a happy face for my children. He met this woman on a dating website so he went looking for an affair. My friends have been supportive but they don't know what I'm feeling and that makes me feel even more alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do nor how I can do it since everything inside of me seems numb, I feel like I've lost everything and my world stopped turning this morning.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Cadabra my heart aches for you. It is so sad when something like this happens. Don't just jump back and 'forgive' unconditionally. 

Did he SAY he confessed b/c he knew he'd be discovered? If so, how did he figure that would happen? Afraid the OW would call the house? 

You're doing the right thing at the moment. Take some time to compose yourself as much as possible. DO NOT assume ONE IOTA of blame. It's ALL on him. 

Is he seeking reconciliation? There are many on this site that can relate their own experiences - you WILL get through this as a stronger woman. Whether it will be alone or with a TRUE and LOYAL partner remains to be seen. Just remember, many marriages have survived and thrived after something as horrid as what you are experiencing. Focus on your children for the immediate future and don't act hastily. DO express your anger, disgust, sense of betrayal, and disappointment when appropriate. (I'm sure you know not to do so in front of the children). 

Keeping your family in my prayers. My most positive thoughts are directed your way.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Please go back home with your 3 children. He should be the one staying in a hotel.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You either decide to stay married or you decide to get divorced.

You don't have to decide right away.

You probably want to know the truth about what's going on before you can decide.

Then you have to decide if he is remorseful and whether you want to give him another chance.

Is he willing to have no contact with the other woman?

Is he willing to give you access to all his communication devices and accounts?


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Why did you leave? He should have been the one to go. Tell us more about this. 

Does he work?

Do you work?

Did he say he planned on ending his affair?

Is he continuing his affair?

Why did he think he was going to be caught?

MOST IMPORTANTLY, have you made any withdrawals from your joint account, like all of it? If not, why not?


----------



## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

hi we all know here what you are going through the pain the hurt but it will pass with time do you have friends or family you can turn to try and some one you can talk to being in a hotel will not do any favours on your own or no matter how much it hurts can you go back home and try and resolve or sort out the issues at the very least you will be with your children and in your home if possible try and get him to leave while you think about your future and get advice about your future and the children's future but it will not be easy by a long way but you will have your friends and children around you to ease your grief a little but we all understand the pain you are going through keep posting you will get plenty of support and help and advice al the best and i am so sorry for the pain


----------



## Cadabra (Sep 1, 2012)

Thank you all. I came back home tonight to be with my kids. Him and I spoke about the situation. I asked questions and he was honest. He says he loves me, apologies and wants to fix it. I told him to leave. My children think he went to work but my 8 year old daughter is sensing something. I have no family here. I do work and thank God I can financially take care of us. I'm just a wreck with a mind full of thoughts. My heart literally hurts. I'm lost. I love him with all my heart and yet hate him at the same time. I want to forgive but don't know how I ever could. I don't want to make the mistake of pretending he's still the man I fell in love with and I was his world. It's hard to see the light.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

The pain is awful.

For what it's worth, at least there are people here that understand. It's an actual physical pain.

It's normal to have the conflicting emotions and it can help to get affection from your spouse.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

You are reacting in the most normal ways to this betrayal. What you need to do right now is take the time until you feel ready to begin the healing process.
You can take all the time you need to get there, you have to.

I think you know what you'll have to do if you decide to leave, every member in this forum will guide you. Should you decide to remain with him, you'll have a rough path to cross.
To build up the trust again, you have to feel that it's what you'd like to do. It has to be for you, not for your marriage's or anyone else's sake. A comfortable mother makes for comfortable children.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Its normal to feel that way. Dont think about a decision right now. Later on when the reality sets in a little moreand you want to R, dont rug sweep anything, cbring everything to the surface. It was your H choice to cheat, he never asked if he could, you never forced him, its not your faul he cheated, it was all his decision and i am sure if he told you beforehand things would be very different. 
Your H has changed your marriage forever and he must change for better, till death do you part. Transparency, no secret emails, no FB, no BNO, remorse and repair. Do not rush to trust.
It will pass, for whatever you decide, time will move and youll become stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cadabra (Sep 1, 2012)

We spoke again tonight. I had more questions and he was honest. I keep doing that to myself and it makes the hurt even stronger. I need to get past the need to know every detail. I'm really struggling with the thoughts of what's wrong with me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror b/c I think about what could be different about me that could have prevented this. I want to attempt to try because I did make the "for better or for worse vowel" however I allowed him to put his arms around me for comfort and I felt nothing. It was emptiness. I think he has killed a part of me.


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Children are a blessing. Cling to them during this difficult time and they will give you strength.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> We spoke again tonight. I had more questions and he was honest. I keep doing that to myself and it makes the hurt even stronger. I need to get past the need to know every detail. I'm really struggling with the thoughts of what's wrong with me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror b/c I think about what could be different about me that could have prevented this. I want to attempt to try because I did make the "for better or for worse vowel" however I allowed him to put his arms around me for comfort and I felt nothing. It was emptiness. I think he has killed a part of me.


You are in shock.

You will want to know why he so callously betrayed you and his children.

It's possible to get over this, but only if there is honesty.

Good luck.


----------



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I've learned that the people in this forum is very helpful and they can help you through this. I don't post much, but I did read a lot of the posts that helped me go through my situation. I wish I had some advice for you. But in the meantime, your kids need YOU. Try and stay strong for them. I know it's hard, but they need you to be there. ((HUGS))


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know which way, you will end up going---D or R---but you cannot, I repeat cannot---at this point show him any signs of affection, or let him show affection to you

If you do so---it is saying to him, go ahead take other women, in preferance to me and your children, do your dirty little thing, I will be here when you decide to come home, and it is all OK----that is what you are telling him, when you allow him to touch you----that is also telling him, he can do it again, cuz you will be there, and do nothing about what he has done.

KEEP HIM AT ARMS LENGTH---NO LOVEY--DOVEY----NO MRS NICE WOMAN----he cheated, he dissed you, he made you out to be a POS, he must be held accountable---HE DOES NOT GET HIS NICE CUSHY LIFESTYLE BACK------he MUST do penance

If you stay with him, the only way he gets to stay, is if he does ALL the heavy lifting---when you say jump---he says how high---he does not get to argue/disagree/discuss ANYTHING---what you say GOES, as long as its not abusive

Also---MAKE HIM SIGN A POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause.


----------



## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> We spoke again tonight. I had more questions and he was honest. I keep doing that to myself and it makes the hurt even stronger. I need to get past the need to know every detail. I'm really struggling with the thoughts of what's wrong with me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror b/c I think about what could be different about me that could have prevented this. I want to attempt to try because I did make the "for better or for worse vowel" however I allowed him to put his arms around me for comfort and I felt nothing. It was emptiness. I think he has killed a part of me.


U sound like a carbon copy of me. Im still in shock my wife fooled around and its been over a month. Its going to take so long to trust her again. Was he sleeping with this other woman? I dont know whats with people that can screw over their spouses especially when u just had another child. Its such a dirtbag move and I can understand why u have such emptiness. Ur world feels like its caving in im sure. I know mine does. Dont make any rash decisions. Take a while to think about what YOU want to do and go from there. Did he have a rough childhood and if so, has he dealt with those issues. A lot of this is caused by trauma and then by not dealing with it, they self sabotage anything good in their lives. I bet most of the cheaters on here had some major issues as kids and have never dealt with it properly which leads to self sabotage. How could a normal person who loves their spouse just go out looking for an affair? Was he not getting sex at home on a regular basis? I guess he wasnt since you were pregnant but thats not an excuse he can use. Thats just life.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> We spoke again tonight. I had more questions and he was honest. I keep doing that to myself and it makes the hurt even stronger. I need to get past the need to know every detail. I'm really struggling with the thoughts of what's wrong with me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror b/c I think about what could be different about me that could have prevented this. I want to attempt to try because I did make the "for better or for worse vowel" however I allowed him to put his arms around me for comfort and I felt nothing. It was emptiness. I think he has killed a part of me.


So sorry you are here, yet you are absolutely not alone. You are clearly still in shock, and that's normal for people who were major betrayed by people close to them. So relax, take your time, you don't need to rush into anything, if you are not ready for it. And you certainly don't need to decide right now if you want to divorce or not. Take one day at a time.

No, you don't need to get over the need to know every detail - not yet at least. You have a right to know exactly what happened so that your husband and you are on equal playgrounds. Tell him that he must tell the whole story and leave nothing out. You get to decide when enough is enough.

He did in fact kill a part of you. He killed your perception of the marriage you thought you had. He also killed the person you believed he was. These are "crimes" you will learn to deal with in due time.

First of all, you need to get a grip of your self to stay healthy and sane, for your sake and for the sake of your kids. Eat healthy, sleep the best you can (if you can't, seek medical help) and see to that you get out, walk, run, bike, whichever you prefer.

You need to look after yourself, you can't expect your husband to, he probably has enough to do to with damage control... untill he reaches a point where he can show true remorse.

So, the only thing you absolutely NEED to do at this point is to take care of yourself and your kids. Stay strong, keep posting so that we can support help you survive this bumpy road.


----------



## Cadabra (Sep 1, 2012)

It just gets worse and worse. He sent her an email to end things which I read and then sent me her email so I could write to her which I did. He gave me his passwords and naturally I got on the account. There was nothing, it had all been deleted but I recovered the deleted items. There were 100's of emails between the two. I began to read them but now I wish I never did. I'm sick. That pain was worse then when I initially found out. He has never spoken to me the way he did to her, sexually or romantically. He told her she was the most amazing and beautiful woman ever. He said he wished she was his. He told her things about her body that won't get out of my head. He would wait for me to fall asleep to reach out to her, he loved when I wasn't home, he wrote her 6 times on my birthday, he wrote her on his breaks, he told her every detail about my children, he wrote her while having my children by his side. I know it's for better or for worse but I don't know how anyone could forgive these things. I feel like I'm in mourning for the man I fell in love with and had my children w is dead. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or my heart is going to stop. When does it get better? When does the pain become manageable? When will the thoughts not consume my mind?


----------



## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi so sad that your pain is mounting take legal advice show him what you have discovered and then tell him he has to go and never get back in touch unless it is through a member of your legal team and separate now what a bad guy he is email his OW and tell her to come and pick him as he is not wanted by you as for your feelings that comes with time they is no magic cure but it will go and the pain will end just delight in your children and keep them safe the next few months are not going to be easy but you will get through it and you will be happy again we are not all bad lads and there is one just for you who will make you smile again you will get plenty of support on this site and this will be a bad dream


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> It just gets worse and worse. He sent her an email to end things which I read and then sent me her email so I could write to her which I did. He gave me his passwords and naturally I got on the account. There was nothing, it had all been deleted but I recovered the deleted items. There were 100's of emails between the two. I began to read them but now I wish I never did. I'm sick. That pain was worse then when I initially found out. He has never spoken to me the way he did to her, sexually or romantically. He told her she was the most amazing and beautiful woman ever. He said he wished she was his. He told her things about her body that won't get out of my head. He would wait for me to fall asleep to reach out to her, he loved when I wasn't home, he wrote her 6 times on my birthday, he wrote her on his breaks, he told her every detail about my children, he wrote her while having my children by his side. I know it's for better or for worse but I don't know how anyone could forgive these things. I feel like I'm in mourning for the man I fell in love with and had my children w is dead. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or my heart is going to stop. When does it get better? When does the pain become manageable? When will the thoughts not consume my mind?


Oh dear. Read my previous post again and maybe one more time.

Reading the words, mails, texts, hearing the stories from your spouse can be a terrifying experience and your mind will probably be haunted by images for a long time. This is normal, but it will fade with time. Try to think of it as.... just words. It isn't easy, I know, I still get mind movies from time to time, and I am 16 months past DD. But it's less frequent now and not as vivid as in the beginning.

It's OK to feel grief, something died, but focus on you and your kids. Start to think about what you would like from life and which boundaries you have.

Stay strong for you and your kids, you all need you.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> It just gets worse and worse. He sent her an email to end things which I read and then sent me her email so I could write to her which I did. He gave me his passwords and naturally I got on the account. There was nothing, it had all been deleted but I recovered the deleted items. There were 100's of emails between the two. I began to read them but now I wish I never did. I'm sick. That pain was worse then when I initially found out. He has never spoken to me the way he did to her, sexually or romantically. He told her she was the most amazing and beautiful woman ever. He said he wished she was his. He told her things about her body that won't get out of my head. He would wait for me to fall asleep to reach out to her, he loved when I wasn't home, he wrote her 6 times on my birthday, he wrote her on his breaks, he told her every detail about my children, he wrote her while having my children by his side. I know it's for better or for worse but I don't know how anyone could forgive these things. I feel like I'm in mourning for the man I fell in love with and had my children w is dead. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or my heart is going to stop. When does it get better? When does the pain become manageable? When will the thoughts not consume my mind?


So sorry you are going through this pain.

The truth of it is, the "pain becomes manageable" when you take control of it. I know how difficult that sounds. You are in shock. It's new to you now. But the time will come when the pain is replaced with anger at him for derailing the marriage in such a selfish way. This is time when you finally get clarity on what YOU want to do. Decide nothing until you reach that point. Then see what he does, if anything, to repair the damage. He and he alone is responsible for this affair. Not you. Refuse to take the blame.

I read in your first post that he confessed because he was afraid of getting caught. Two things popped out at me when I read those words. He didn't confess because he had a conscious? Because he was sorry? Because he realized he made an awful mistake? No? Because he was afraid of getting caught? How so? You see "sorry" and "afraid of getting caught" are two different things. Which one is he?

And one more thing to consider. If he thought the OW was "all that", is he capable of shutting off those feeling immediately to save the marriage, or will he merely put the affair on hold until you are comfortable again and resume the affair, taking it underground so he "doesn't get caught"? Points to ponder.

Take your time. One day at a time. Take care of yourself and weigh your options. One way or another, you will come out of this wiser and stronger. Trust that. You will be fine. As to your marriage, there is much to resolve and the burden to do so is on him. Trust your gut.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You need to strong here. Does he know you recovered the mails ?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's going to take you a long time to be ok, so don't be impatient, ok? Months, not weeks. Years, not months. If you want to save the marriage - and many many people do after infidelity - there are steps to take that will comfort you, give you a plan and a sense of normalcy, and help correct the problems that were in your marriage.

Writing the letter was a good start. Deleting is typical; ignore it. Focus on his actions, not his words. These things you need, so if you missed any of it, correct that:
Writing the No Contact letter
If they work together, one of them will have to change jobs.
He either removes all passwords or gives them to you any time you ask.
He hands over his phone any time you ask - he needs to understand this will be going on for years, not weeks. You need to be able to randomly check (like an employer's random drug test) just to make sure.
He finds a PRO-MARRIAGE marriage counselor that he sets up and you two go to.
Consider going to your doctor and asking for a temporary prescription for antidepressants for 2 or 3 months, because your body's ability to produce your 'happy' chemicals (as my doctor put it) will drastically decrease, and you may need a temporary boost.
He agrees to go to a polygraph - but only if you start finding inconsistencies in his story.
You two start spending at least 10 hours a week together away from kid stuff or housekeeping stuff - to start getting back the feelings you had when you were dating - go on walks, ride bikes, play chess, do a jigsaw puzzle...find ways to get one on one time together so you can fall in love again and stay in love.
Start educating yourself on what a healthy marriage looks like and what it takes. I recommend starting with His Needs Her Needs by Harley. We can recommend more.

Do these things and you should be able to make it through this.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> I love him with all my heart and yet hate him at the same time. I want to forgive but don't know how I ever could. I don't want to make the mistake of pretending he's still the man I fell in love with and I was his world. It's hard to see the light.


Yes. It is a physical pain. As a BS it felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and the wound bled for a long time. Still does sometimes. 

I understand about your husband not now being the man you fell in love with. 

I am so sorry you are here.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> IThere were 100's of emails between the two. I began to read them but now I wish I never did. I'm sick. That pain was worse then when I initially found out. He has never spoken to me the way he did to her, sexually or romantically. He told her she was the most amazing and beautiful woman ever. He said he wished she was his. He told her things about her body that won't get out of my head. He would wait for me to fall asleep to reach out to her, he loved when I wasn't home, he wrote her 6 times on my birthday, he wrote her on his breaks, he told her every detail about my children, he wrote her while having my children by his side. I know it's for better or for worse but I don't know how anyone could forgive these things. I feel like I'm in mourning for the man I fell in love with and had my children w is dead. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or my heart is going to stop. When does it get better? When does the pain become manageable? When will the thoughts not consume my mind?


Your situation sounds so similar to mine. 

I know the pain you are in. 

I received the emails forwarded to me anonymously. 

I couldn't breath either after reading them. My STBEH always claimed to not be the romantic type, and I accepted that that was who he was. 

But then I saw how romantic he was with the OW. 

I think it was because she demanded it. 

My STBEH spend a lot of money on her. I am a saver, he has always been a spender. 

I think he spent money on her to both impress her and because she demanded that he spend money on her. 

My STBEH does not now want a divorce. I don't understand why. He seemed to be so into the OW. I think they deserve each other.

But your spouse does seem to be doing more heavy lifting than mine was at least initially. Now he wants to do heavy lifting.

I think maybe they say things to the OW they don't say to their spouses because an affair is a fantasy and they are pretending to be someone they are not. 

For example, my husband was presenting himself as far wealthier than he really is.

Also, my STBEH gave out too many personal details about our lives too. This led to the OW stalking me and later him. 

He claimed the affair was only about sex, but the emails say otherwise and the sharing of personal details shows he wasn't just treating her like a sex buddy.

Don't make a decision now. You are in total shock.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cadabra, do some reading about PEA chemicals and 'affair fog.' It will help you understand what happened to your husband. Won't excuse that he crossed that boundary, but it may help you understand how he came to be a drug addict.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He was this way with OW (from dating site nonetheless) becuase something wrong with him. I says nothing about you, not even OW. She could be anybody else. He wantd for an affair, not a real, intimate relationship, he put himself outhere with the intention to behave as a different person. He was a "persona". Thigs become very intense becuse of it, becuase it was an affair. 
He dropped her the very moment he got caught. He knows that was not real. He can't be this way with a real person.


----------



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> It just gets worse and worse. He sent her an email to end things which I read and then sent me her email so I could write to her which I did. He gave me his passwords and naturally I got on the account. There was nothing, it had all been deleted but I recovered the deleted items. There were 100's of emails between the two. I began to read them but now I wish I never did. I'm sick. That pain was worse then when I initially found out. He has never spoken to me the way he did to her, sexually or romantically. He told her she was the most amazing and beautiful woman ever. He said he wished she was his. He told her things about her body that won't get out of my head. He would wait for me to fall asleep to reach out to her, he loved when I wasn't home, he wrote her 6 times on my birthday, he wrote her on his breaks, he told her every detail about my children, he wrote her while having my children by his side.


I am so sorry you got to read all of these hurtful things. I don't believe this will reduce any of the pain you're feeling, but know that YOU made him this way. He learned to talk this way by being with you. If he only had the intelligence to direct these feelings towards you, you would have been among the happiest couples alive.
What is done is done, it's up to you to get the better out of the knowledge you have now. When you're ready, you must transform what you know from a burden to a proof that you're good enough to forgive your husband for what he did. But it's still far away.

You should tell him that you recovered the emails and read them, he must know that he's extremely lucky to still have a chance for reconciliation.

You have the right to feel pain, and you'll feel it for a long time, but you should keep in mind that feeling pain must be a part of your healing process and not your future quotidian.



Cadabra said:


> I know it's for better or for worse but I don't know how anyone could forgive these things. I feel like I'm in mourning for the man I fell in love with and had my children w is dead.


Everything is possible, no matter how impossible it may seem at first. You couldn't be more accurate when you said that you're mourning the man you fell in love with. It is a healthy state of mind.
What happened change everything. The man you fell in love with slipped and did the worst possible mistake a spouse could do. Reconciliation doesn't mean forcing yourself to see him as you did before, but it means that you're giving him another chance.

Hopefully he'll be a better new person and so will you.



Cadabra said:


> Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe or my heart is going to stop. When does it get better? When does the pain become manageable? When will the thoughts not consume my mind?


These are normal reactions. Dday brings a fat load of panic attacks. It shakes the beliefs you had to the very basis, and discovering that you were being fooled is one of the worst feelings a human being can experience.
The pain will become manageable, your coping mechanism will do the job what you must watch carefully is how it will make you in the future.
Some manage the pain and absorb it by becoming bitter, more cynical, less joyful, more agressive, less humane. It is pain management, technically, but at what price ?
Once you feel that you become active in feeling pain, you should fight the need to let the anger get a permanent hold of you. It's for your own sake, for your children's, for your friends' and relatives'.
You've been forced to take a lot of decisions that no one would voluntarily consider, but life is a series of lessons and tests.

You will wake up one day and you will sense that the consuming dark thoughts no longer force themselves upon you, if you're honest enough with yourself you will feel that you will try to seek them inside your mind. I don't know why, but I sure found myself seeking those thoughts to sync them with the pain. It is no way to live.

Everything is still new to you, I wish you would have been ice skating or laughing at a comedy right now, but here you are. Fight the loathing as hard as you can because your children risk to pick it from you.


----------



## hrtbkngrl (Apr 9, 2012)

Cadabra said:


> Thank you all. I came back home tonight to be with my kids. Him and I spoke about the situation. I asked questions and he was honest. He says he loves me, apologies and wants to fix it. I told him to leave. My children think he went to work but my 8 year old daughter is sensing something. I have no family here. I do work and thank God I can financially take care of us. I'm just a wreck with a mind full of thoughts. My heart literally hurts. I'm lost. I love him with all my heart and yet hate him at the same time. I want to forgive but don't know how I ever could. I don't want to make the mistake of pretending he's still the man I fell in love with and I was his world. It's hard to see the light.


First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly what you are feeling as I found out my husband was having an affair not too long ago. Second of all, you came to the right place. I have found tons of good advice and support on this forum. I know it is hard to think about anything other than what your husband has done, but you have to realize that your relationship as you knew it is over- you have to decide (not right now) if you want to start a new relationship with your husband. Make sure you have plenty of soup (it's easier to get down and you need to eat to keep your strength for the kids) and tissues. I know it is going to be difficult for you not having support or family around (as I am in the same boat) but your kids are a good distraction. You will face many feelings. From feeling like you are in a nightmare to denial to anger to grief. Please allow yourself to embrace all of those feelings and remember that none of this is your fault. Your husband now needs to show you-not tell you- his feelings and how sorry he is. He has to end all contact with the OW, give all passwords to all technical devices (and make sure you monitor) and he has to be transparent in everything. I hope this helps. Oh and one more thing - read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass- it is so helpful. I got it at the library but it's available on Amazon too.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Cadabra

*Stop finding out about the affair you already know enough. More may hurt you again.*

As soon as possible start making a plan. That plan should be to build you up body, mind, and spirit. In other words put all you energy into improving you. This will help get your mind off the affair to some degree. 

You will be often tempted to concentrate on the affair and to make him make you better. That is a mistake. Think of how you can improve you. Not that you had anything to do that lead him to his affair, which is TOTALLY on him, NO EXCUSES ARE ACCEPTABLE 

You need to concentrate on you so that in the future you will be able to live with him or without him.[/B] If he really wants to try and make as much as he can right with you then he can do that without you having to suffer any more and be occupied with his problems. Do not let him interfere with your improving; he has already shown how much help he is to you.

Your responsibility right now is ONLY to you and your children. Your husband should not take anymore of your time that you are using to help you and your children.

Cadabra
[B*]Know this. You can get through this and in some ways you can even be better I n the future. Millions have done that and so can you*.


----------



## Cadabra (Sep 1, 2012)

I have made an appointment to see a marriage therapist so that is step one. I have also been taking everyone's advice which is helping more than anything and getting me thru the days. I am trying to control my emotions and push thru the anger. I don't want to be that angry person for myself nor for my children. I don't think I have anymore tears left and the numbness has set it. My husband and I went out and talked last night away from the children of course. He broke down like I've never seen him do. I 100% believe he has realized his wrongs and is genuinely sorry. He tells me I'm better than him and always have been and will be. He says he has issues and needs help. He said that he never wanted to make anyone feel the way he made me feel and the worst part is he did it to the person he loves the most. He said his job in life was to love, protect and keep me safe and he has failed. He doesn't think I will ever be able to love him but would give anything for me to try. 
I have all of his passwords, full access to everything, the fake email account he used to meet OW is gone. He wants nothing to do with her he tells me. I feel like I feel better after last night but I'm confused with my own feelings. Is this me going thru denial? Is this a normal step in moving past things? Is this me hiding a deeper pain because I don't want to feel pain any longer? I don't know. Part of me feels guilty to my own self for telling him I'll make an effort. He told me he will start all over. He will try to get me to fall in love with him again as that's what he wants more than anything. But if I don't that's his own fault. He told me no matter what happens don't ever think I'm incapable of love or being loved because I'm an amazing person. I do believe he means the things he is saying but is this what people say when they've been unfaithful? Again, I no longer know who he is so I'm so confused. I'm only 31. I don't want to fix this and wake up 20 years from now and realize I made a mistake. All of these thoughts and of course the whole situation is why I'm going to go talk to someone but I'm questioning my own self worth and don't know if I'm making a mistake.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's called a rollercoaster for a reason. Your feelings will be ALL over the place. Just let it happen. Let him help you. Improve the marriage. Don't make any promises. And don't make any changes for at least 6 months. You'll be ok. You can always break up later. As long as he's doing the right things, you can make it. Or you can leave, later, if you still hurt too bad. But you have kids, so don't make any decisions now.


----------



## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

I am so sorry for your pain as well, I am new to my situation since two weeks as well. I am in the same boat and just posted my story :-(. I have attempted to find support with two friends but find that they are quick to jump the gun and run to the D word. They do not understand what this feels like to love someone deeply and for it not to be that black and white to jump ship. Unless you are in similar or gone through it people cannot relate :-(. I find no solace or understand from friends and why i came here. Only you know in your heart what you can live with or not. You are the master of your fate :-/. While we cannot control what they do, we can have a say in what we will take and live with. :-(


----------

