# Tips on getting back together with my recently separated wife



## Feelings

Hello!

First of all I'm new to this forum so I beg your pardon if this thread is posted in the wrong sub-forum, but I think it belongs here.

So here's my story:

A couple of days ago my wife told me that she felt smothered and was generally unhappy with our marriage. We didn't fight or anything, we very rarely did. But lately we have seemed to drift apart a bit and I was becoming a bit depressed (probably because I somehow knew something were amiss). I have always given her freedom to do what she likes (such as hanging out with friends etc etc) but since I don't really have any friends she always felt bad for me when she left me at home (even though I didn't complain about it).

We met today to discuss our situation and I managed to get her to agree to give it a second chance. So starting next week we will move back together and give the relationship a second go.

Now, I know that she feels more reluctant to try this than I do. She said that she wanted to give it a second chance for me. I don't know if that's good or bad, or if it even matters, but seeing as she was the one who "broke up" I guess it would be quite natural that it's for my sake she agreed to try again.

I wanted to ask you if you have any tips for me and how to generally treat the situation when we are back together. If you have any experience on what it "takes" to prove that a life together is better than a life apart, so to speak. If there is something you, or someone you know, did to make a reconciliation successful.
I know that I have to be romantic but at the same time I don't want to smother her. She is my entire life so I really want this to work, so any tips, however vague or just if you want to share your view on the situation, are most welcome.

P.S

Seeing as we really haven't been "separated" seeing as how it on Monday will only have gone one week, so I apologies if I mislead anyone.


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## the guy

My biggest concern would be why she "broke up" with you in the 1st place.
Answering this question will help us to give you the best advice.


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## Feelings

the guy said:


> My biggest concern would be why she "broke up" with you in the 1st place.
> Answering this question will help us to give you the best advice.


The reason she broke up is because she felt she needed more space. It's kind of hard to explain because she didn't give me the exact details. But basically I've been a bit down the last couple of months and that has probably affected the way she feels for me. The relationship felt more heavy because my mood was not always the best, I mostly talked about how much I disliked the place where I work. This in turn lead to my wife being more distant which worsened my depression. It was a bad spiral.

This is obviously something that I've promised both me and her wont happen if we reconcile. But what I really want is also to get the "spark" back.


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## BeYou

Agreed. Sounds like you need to chat a bit to figure out the issues more clearly.

BUT...

Do not wing it. Get to counseling, or at very least, busy and read the Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy books. Now. No...5 minutes ago.

Chances are she's not going to wait around very long during this "attempt" so the faster you can start fixing things, the better.

Is she willing to go to counseling? If so, find one and book ASAP. Is she commited to "trying" or is she just "being there" while you scramble to try and save things?

See how willing she is to open up with the issues and engage in fixing them. But go buy/borrow Divorce Busters yesterday and read and implement ASAP!


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## BeYou

Feelings said:


> The reason she broke up is because she felt she needed more space. It's kind of hard to explain because she didn't give me the exact details. But basically I've been a bit down the last couple of months and that has probably affected the way she feels for me. The relationship felt more heavy because my mood was not always the best, I mostly talked about how much I disliked the place where I work. This in turn lead to my wife being more distant which worsened my depression. It was a bad spiral.
> 
> This is obviously something that I've promised both me and her wont happen if we reconcile. But what I really want is also to get the "spark" back.


"something that I've promised both me and her wont happen if we reconcile"

No...the promise means nothing. You need to DO it now. If you've been depressed and moping around, you need to get happy fast. If you don't feel happy, fake it and be happy around her. If she's tired of you complaining about your job...stop. Do something about it.

Sounds like you need to do the "180" and do things she doesn't expect. If you've been moping around feeling sorry for yourself and haven't really done much for her lately, it's time you starting acting happy, set up some time for you two to go enjoy a date out. Make her curious about you. If you rarely wear cologne out with her...wear it. If you normally are indecisive about where to go and what to do...be decisive.


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## Feelings

Thanks for your reply BeYou.

That is exactly what I've been thinking but you put it into words, thank you.

I guess I'm worried that she will find it "fake" but I've no problem to get "happy", so to speak. I didn't know how she felt because she never have been good at communication, which is something we've both agreed to work on. Still, I'm really scared at the moment since I don't want to lose her now that she's given us this second chance. But I guess that's kind of normal.

I don't want to make any mistakes now.


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## BeYou

Feelings said:


> Thanks for your reply BeYou.
> 
> That is exactly what I've been thinking but you put it into words, thank you.
> 
> I guess I'm worried that she will find it "fake" but I've no problem to get "happy", so to speak. I didn't know how she felt because she never have been good at communication, which is something we've both agreed to work on. Still, I'm really scared at the moment since I don't want to lose her now that she's given us this second chance. But I guess that's kind of normal.
> 
> I don't want to make any mistakes now.


You're going to make mistakes. But don't let them discourage you.

She may think it's fake, but she's definitely notice and wonder why you're so happy all of a sudden. Just keep showing her. She's not going to buy into it immediately, so just keep it up day by day and look for the small positive victories each day. Don't expect things to turn around immediately.

Is she willing to seek counseling for you both? If you've been battling a funk/depression lately, you need to see counseling for yourself at least. But if she's willing to go as well, it will certainly help uncover the issues.


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## BeYou

The key as you'll see in any thread is to remember the man you were when she fell in love with you, and find him again. He wasn't depressed, clingy, and whined about his job all the time.

Find him, and be him again.

Giving advice is so much easier than practicing it.  I should be replying to my own posts in my own thread.


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## Feelings

Yeah I totally agree, it's just so emotional right now but thank you for your responses.

We have not talked much to be honest about that. I guess that's something that will be a topic if we feel that it's not going very well.

I hope things work out for your as well.

Thank you once again.


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## This is me

BeYou said:


> The key as you'll see in any thread is to remember the man you were when she fell in love with you, and find him again. He wasn't depressed, clingy, and whined about his job all the time.
> 
> Find him, and be him again.
> 
> Giving advice is so much easier than practicing it.  I should be replying to my own posts in my own thread.


No better way to become an expert than to teach or share what we have learned. Well done!


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## BeYou

How are things, Feelings?


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## Feelings

Hello BeYou!

Things are OK. We are going to give our relationship a second go on Monday. I'm just bracing myself in case she has a change of heart until then, but that seems at the time, very unlikely.

I think that we can get it to work as long as she hasn't got her mind set on that it won't. Seeing as how it's me that caused this I guess it is up to me at the start, of course, to show change and willingness to work on it. I just hope that she will feel the same after a while... That's what's worrying me at the moment.

So until Monday we have agreed not to talk to each other to give each other space. I have heard that some people say that's bad but I don't know. If she has been feeling smothered I guess it will only be good to spend these following couple of days apart.


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## BeYou

Feelings said:


> Hello BeYou!
> 
> Things are OK. We are going to give our relationship a second go on Monday. I'm just bracing myself in case she has a change of heart until then, but that seems at the time, very unlikely.
> 
> I think that we can get it to work as long as she hasn't got her mind set on that it won't. Seeing as how it's me that caused this I guess it is up to me at the start, of course, to show change and willingness to work on it. I just hope that she will feel the same after a while... That's what's worrying me at the moment.
> 
> So until Monday we have agreed not to talk to each other to give each other space. I have heard that some people say that's bad but I don't know. If she has been feeling smothered I guess it will only be good to spend these following couple of days apart.


If you're not talking, make sure you speak loudly with your actions. Be happy, do things around the house if you normally don't. Probably would be a good time to call up a buddy to go for a coffee or drink too. But I would break the silence for that and just say "I'm going to go have a ___ with ___. Won't be long!"

If she's used to you "smothering," she'd likely be pretty curious with your willingness to suddenly take off for an hour or two with a (male) friend.


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## Feelings

Oh I think you misunderstood. We are actually not living together at this very moment. We still have the apartment and all our things are there. But I'm sleeping at a friends house and she is sleeping at her mothers place.

But yeah I agree with you. I will make sure to show her that I'm not so very dependent on her that she feels "trapped" so to speak.


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## This is me

I think you should move back. You both flew the coup. Give yourselves the chance to be together again under one roof.


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## Feelings

This is me said:


> I think you should move back. You both flew the coup. Give yourselves the chance to be together again under one roof.


Yeah, that is what we are doing on Monday. I think we both feel that we need some time a part to catch our breath. I know this may not be ideal, hell I would've wanted to just forget about this whole thing right away. But she seems to need some space so I guess that being apart these 3 days won't be that bad... But I'm not sure..


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## BeYou

Any update?


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## Mtts

I may be out of line but I honestly don't see any reason for separation based on your description. I agree with some of what was posted here. Clingy/depressed is a bad combo defintely, but I'm thinking that doesn't explain someone deciding to separate.

I think more info would be needed about the whole thing. It doesn't sit well with me and you mentioned her being bad with communication, which is a big deal. 

Hope all is well though and moving in a better direction!


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## Mtts

I may be out of line but I honestly don't see any reason for separation based on your description. I agree with some of what was posted here. Clingy/depressed is a bad combo defintely, but I'm thinking that doesn't explain someone deciding to separate.

I think more info would be needed about the whole thing. It doesn't sit well with me and you mentioned her being bad with communication, which is a big deal. 

Hope all is well though and moving in a better direction!


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## 36Separated

Mtts said:


> I may be out of line but I honestly don't see any reason for separation based on your description. I agree with some of what was posted here. Clingy/depressed is a bad combo defintely, but I'm thinking that doesn't explain someone deciding to separate.
> 
> I think more info would be needed about the whole thing. It doesn't sit well with me and you mentioned her being bad with communication, which is a big deal.
> 
> Hope all is well though and moving in a better direction!


Id leave her well alone


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## Mark72

Feelings hasn't been on since 8/24. Hope that's a good sign that the 180 is working!


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