# Incompatible..?



## Zealous (Jan 29, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for ten years, and I have suddenly been struck with a fear of living like we currently do for the rest of my life.
When we first got together the lack of sex was a big issue and we would argue, I was lucky if I could get once a week.
After we married we would have big arguments every now and then, after a while I stopped bringing it up as much.
We then had our children and pregnancy/sleepless nights took my mind off it to an extent.
Now we are past the sleepless nights stage it seems glaringly obvious to me that there are still problems. We have sex once a week at the very most, we can easily go two, three, four maybe more weeks.
As far as I can work out, most men would kill for a wife like me, who loves sex!

When we do have sex it seems like it's been long enough for him to need to.. I wouldn't mind if there was anything in between, but there isn't. Not even kissing unless I try, which is usually brushed off.
He spends many a late night on the computer, yet if I initiate sex or any kids of intimacy it's 'too late to start that'.

The thought of splitting up fills me with utter dread and fear, mostly for my children. But the thought of living like this fills me with sadness.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

There is most likely some sort of emotional issue thats bothering him, a huge misconception is that are penis really does have a mind of its own and all you have to do is spread your legs and we'll happily play along. Unfortunatly if there is an underlying issue, depression, problems at work, medical concerns, if there is more going on then your telling us involving fights, balance of power situations. You'd be surprised how one of those things will turn into an immediate turnoff.

If he feels like he has no power in a relationship, many will resort to taking away the one thing that they do, sex life. For both men and women. 

There are other things to look into, perhaps he's gained a porn addiction as many just see that as easier. Maybe he has started some sort of emotional affair. 

The thing is, its a big picture issue and never just one thing.


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## Zealous (Jan 29, 2013)

I assumed it was a low sex drive, he didn't lose his virginity until he was in his late 20's, and had sex twice before me.

Is there a way of improving things? Intimacy in general I mean, not just penetrative sex.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

You should seek out a marriage counselor immediately. A good one won't take sides and will try to work with each of you to discover the underlying issue.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How does he react when you try to initiate sex? Has he had his testosterone levels checked? 

If he isn't receptive to the idea of having his levels checked and otherwise addressing the issue(MC), then you need to give him an ultimatum. Either he smartens up or you [insert consequence here].

Cheating is NEVER the answer. Do the right thing and file first if it comes to that.

I REALLY hope that anyone considering getting married despite such mismatched drives reads this and reconsiders getting married. Someone on here posted just yesterday asking if it really is a big deal when your sex drives don't match and if they should get married anyways.


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## OrganizedChaos (Jan 23, 2013)

Zealous said:


> I assumed it was a low sex drive, he didn't lose his virginity until he was in his late 20's, and had sex twice before me.
> 
> Is there a way of improving things? Intimacy in general I mean, not just penetrative sex.


I would seek help as well, I know that if he waited that long to have sex that most likely he has some lingering confidence issues. Most likely has conditioned himself to not need sex as much as your average guy, and has most likely taken to porn as a safety net. 

Its a compound issue, if he was insecure about being a late virgin, maybe he also believes he isn't skilled as pleasing you.


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## Zealous (Jan 29, 2013)

(changed the title as I realised it was insensitive)

If I initiate he brushes me off. The main way of getting anything is if I offer a BJ first.

I was only young when we married and assumed things would improve as we went along and got to know eachother sexually.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

To me it sounds like he has a problem and doesn't want ANY intimacy since he's afraid it will lead to sex (and he won't be able to perform).

But if there are no physical or mental issues with him, tell him that an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship is needed in the marriage. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy and it's HIS problem to figure out how to get it back on track.


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## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

My wife is like that, has no interest in me even though I have a ripped hard body and very sexual and romantic. Seems as though mates take you for granted because they know your there. I like doing the cam thing because i like to show my body off. The kids are the biggest part of things as well.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

In my ex wife's case, she was getting it while I was at work. Who's to say Zealous' husband isn't doing the same?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm a firm believer in just...well....incompatability, especially sexual.

probably not what you want to hear, but it's a fact.

I dated some women, that I (and they) would consider our sex or me a dud in the sack.

other's I was God's gift and vice versa.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

babbles said:


> My wife is like that, has no interest in me even though I have a ripped hard body and very sexual and romantic. Seems as though mates take you for granted because they know your there. I like doing the cam thing because i like to show my body off. The kids are the biggest part of things as well.


You show your kids a cam of you masturbating ??? :scratchhead:

No ego problems here, eh?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your hubby sounds like my wife and we are similar in our sex drives and taking care of ourselves.

You are in great shape, even using a cam, excellent. Not many wife's do that.

I've been with my wife about 13+ years now and her LD and lack of interest in sex, not taking care of herself still persists. We had our talk recently and it seems to have improved a lot but I still feel she is having sex because she knows I won't put up with her LD, not doing anything fun and crazy anymore.

Since I take care of myself, weight training, my wife might be more insecure and not in the mood but she won't go to a gym and get in shape either.

I would have a serious talk with your hubby, Tell him you need sex with fantasies and you are miserable because of his LD. Tell him you are taking care of yourself for your health and for him. Tell him what your fantasies are and how often you need intimacy with him. Then let him know, you can't be in a LD marriage for another 10+ years.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PurpleLion said:


> You should seek out a marriage counselor immediately. A good one won't take sides and will try to work with each of you to discover the underlying issue.


:iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What's he doin on the computer 

That would be my first question.


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