# Husband Pays For Phone Sex



## Schatzi (Aug 19, 2012)

I'm a working, professional female, married 5 years. My husband, I'm certain, loves me, a LOT. He's loving when we're together, very demonstrative most times, and I don't have any problems with arousing him sexually (although he struggles on and off with erectile and ejaculatory issues).

As for who we are, we are both professionals who make very good money. We tend to straddle the line between introverted and extroverted, with him being more of a loner than I, but I know he, in particular, values me because I "get" him. We are each other's best friend, and we each have always felt throughout our relationship very fortunate to have found each other, because for both of us, this was the first time EVER that we felt UNDERSTOOD by our partner. That, by and large, hasn't changed, except for ONE thing recently. And actually, I think I understand it, but I don't LIKE it.

About 4 years ago, when I was working a lot of hours, I discovered that he had an account on a domination website in which he talks to live (supposed) women. For those of you who've never been to a site like that, the men pay for phone chats and video webchats, as well as for photos and pre-recorded videos of the women. The women talk domineeringly towards the men, encourage them to be naughty or do something against their grain to "prove" their loyalty and submission. The men "submit", and the women don't hide the fact that they want the men's money. And the men HAPPILY pay. I never really had an issue with his chatting on free sites, but when I read his exchanges on this site, what I read broke my heart: 
[edited for clean content and to remove my name]

"i do not deserve my wife 

i do not desire my wife 

i do not need my wife 

i was with her all day, and not a second felt like this feels, after coming home and reading your emails 

i thought i had forgot you at least for a day 

but it is all coming back in a heartbeat 

the longing. the need. the frantic yearning 

i love You so much GODDESS 

wanting you. craving you 

its an addiction 

and i am weak 

my wife complained that even though she was gone for a week, i wasnt interested in sex." 

AND another email:

"Sunday morning sex with the wife. I couldn't get it up. And that after being horny all day yesterday. What have you done with me? "

After confronting him, he said that what he said in the email to her was part of the roleplaying, and that the point of the site was not to hook up in person, but to connect online or on phone and be dominated. Said he didn't really MEAN the things he said--he really does love me--it's just part of the roleplay. Knowing his loner personality, I'm inclined to believe he did not hook up with anyone physically, but I nevertheless did not buy any of the bill of goods he was trying to sell me, that this was all benign playfulness. But what could I do? While I was busy working my ass off, other so-called "women" were getting more of his aroused attention than I. And to make matters especially worse, I realized he paid these "women" to phone or video chat with him. Large amounts. $2000 in a fairly short period, and that was just what I was able to find--there was probably more. 

He saw how deeply he hurt me, and agreed to close down the account, cease and desist, and things were good for a long while. Or so I thought.

Fast forward 4yrs to now. Recently, I've been working a LOT due to the loss of some vital personnel in my office. I began noticing that on the weekends, when I woke up, he would not be there--he'd already be up...VERY early. I knew he was downstairs in his "mancave", probably looking at porn. Maybe chatting. And when I'd come home late from work, he'd be down in the mancave too. I now know why. I recently found a spare phone that I did not recognize, and when I looked in it (he's not very inventive with new passwords), I was able to see that he's back on that site again, and spending plenty of money. I feel utterly betrayed. He KNEW how much he hurt me last time, and yet, he went back and did it again. 

I'm responding to this a little differently this time than I did last time. He and I both make very good money. Up til now all our funds have been shared in joint accounts. I'll be diverting my income to a private checking account so that I know MY money isn't going towards this habit of his. In a different time, I would've left him. But honestly, I don't want to go through another divorce. I like the lifestyle we live. More importantly, I DO love him, and he loves me, very much. I just don't think I will stop him of his wandering back to this, and I think I'm ready to start focusing on ME. 

I'd like your opinions. Do you feel it's cheating if a husband does not physically cheat with another woman, but does give her his aroused attention online or on phone? And how would you feel about the spending?? Also, am I wrong to think this is permission for me to step out of the marriage? I've passed up opportunities that I would've otherwise taken if I'd not been married. I'm thinking I might just look into them again. With my husband's full knowledge. He won't like it, but he'll also have to live with the knowledge that he caused this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he's playing with fire and it's doing harm to your marriage.

how do i know? because you said it hurts and bothers you. that's doing harm to the marriage.
he should be expending sexual and bonding energy on YOU!!!!!

porn or sexsites are not harmless marital supplements.
definitely a form of cheating.

if your looking for advice, it's this: i wouldn't tolerate it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Am I correct in understanding that the times your H has done this were both times where you were "very busy" working "lots of hours"? Marriage is a difficult and demanding union and requires attention or it will wither. Is it possible that your long hours and busy lifestyle has left him feeling somewhat shunned and disregarded? Availing yourself of extramarital encounters is one option but is that really what you want and will your integrity allow you to do that? You indicated that he was attentive and loving and that you are sure he loves you and that you love him. This is not how people who love each other treat one another.

He with paid chatting and you with extramarital encounters. And all because D is too hard? It would seem that you both are more disconnected than you want to admit but until you do, your situation cannot improve. You must acknowledge the problem in order to correct it. Perhaps a good counselor can help, if you are so inclined but as it stands now you two seem to be drifting apart with neither party overly concerned about putting in the effort to reunite. It all comes down to what it is worth to you. If it is easier to go outside the marriage for your needs then so be it but my only question is why remain married, convenience? If the marriage is not worth fixing then what makes it worth keeping?


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Schatzi said:


> Do you feel it's cheating if a husband does not physically cheat with another woman, but does give her his aroused attention online or on phone? And how would you feel about the spending??
> 
> Also, am I wrong to think this is permission for me to step out of the marriage?
> 
> I've passed up opportunities that I would've otherwise taken if I'd not been married. I'm thinking I might just look into them again. With my husband's full knowledge. He won't like it, but he'll also have to live with the knowledge that he caused this.



Yes, it is cheating 100%.

Not entirely.

This is where the problem is. You will be doing it to seek revenge, not to get sexual pleasure. At the end, it will bring you no satisfaction, ruin your marriage, and potentially hurt other people who you uses along the way. 

I'd say you have two options: try to learn BDMS (I think this is how its called). You may grow to enjoy it and then you will be his Goddess. If not, then prepare for a divorce - gather evidence, separate and hide funds... Because unless you make peace with his fetish (whether you are a part of it or not), your marriage is doomed to fail (regardless of you cheating openly or secretly).


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## Schatzi (Aug 19, 2012)

Hi No Choice,

Thank you for a very sage reply. Yes, both times were when I was very busy due to work matters that could not be avoided. In both cases, they were somewhat long stretches, but finite--an end in sight...a few mos. I understand the longing and the loneliness when the spouse is away--he has to go on business trips as well, and I know I hate it. I've been doing a lot of travel lately. But is that valid excuse for him to step out of the marriage to this degree? I know I certainly don't think so. Over the years, life sends you road blocks and things that challenge the marriage--like long work hours--but you DEAL with them. Wouldn't you agree? Based on what he told me the first time, he did not feel this was cheating, because it's all strangers he never meets.

Regarding extra-marital affairs on my part...we're a kinky couple, if it isn't obvious. He's into the whole domination thing, and though it wasn't really my nature, I was comfortably able to give that to him, and he was happy. Me, I was a swinger before we married. He knew it. He liked that about me. I liked sharing sexual experiences with a variety of people, and I'm contemplating going back to that (practicing protected sex), even though he would prefer I didn't, because I'm not getting from him sexually what I need lately. Sexually speaking, his mind is elsewhere. But in the rest of our daily lives, he's my best friend--I don't want to leave him, and nothing else is broken. It's just the sex that's an issue. Staying with him isn't just about the convenience. Convenience and lifestyle are certainly a part of it, but by no means the largest reason to stay with him. 

I can (and will) talk to him. But this is a scenario that has already played itself out once. I would've preferred to stay monogamous, but I feel HE has set the tone by going back to what we'd already agreed was a no-go zone. It's not enough to make me leave him, but if I stay, I'm convinced I'm not going to stop this behavior from repeating, and what I WON'T do is stand back and get left behind while he does this. I just read an article here at TalkAboutMarriage in which a study cited what I already knew: those that cheat tend to be repeat offenders. I feel I can get him to stop...for NOW. And then the next time I have a glut of work that takes me away...then what? All this over again? All that will happen is that he will cover his tracks better. I choose to look at it as that I still get the rest of him, and he of me, while being realistic about what he does with himself when I'm not there. 

Before I talk to him, though, I wanted others' feedback about the whole situation, and about my feelings. I welcome all perspectives. Thanks everyone, for your honesty and understanding.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Schatzi said:


> Hi No Choice,
> 
> Thank you for a very sage reply. Yes, both times were when I was very busy due to work matters that could not be avoided. In both cases, they were somewhat long stretches, but finite--an end in sight...a few mos. I understand the longing and the loneliness when the spouse is away--he has to go on business trips as well, and I know I hate it. I've been doing a lot of travel lately. *But is that valid excuse for him to step out of the marriage to this degree?* I know I certainly don't think so. Over the years, life sends you road blocks and things that challenge the marriage--like long work hours--but you DEAL with them. Wouldn't you agree? Based on what he told me the first time, he did not feel this was cheating, because it's all strangers he never meets.
> 
> ...


OP,
No, there is no valid excuse for compromising one's integrity. If you thought I was excusing his behavior you misunderstood. His behavior is reprehensible. I was merely offering a reason and the possibility of a pattern to his actions.

Marriage is a demanding process which requires a great deal of thought and consideration. For instance, you are distraught because your H is seeking sexual gratification elsewhere but, at times, your attention was focused on work more so than the M. Again, not excusing his behavior but he may see it as you taking your attention away from him and he may feel slighted.

He is "dealing with it" in totally the wrong way but in his mind he may be justified. Your issue is finding a way to make him realize his behavior is deplorable because until such a realization occurs he is destined to continue on in what he sees as "no big deal".

As to the "kinky" reference, I can offer no advice of value to you there since I regard M as a committed, monogamous union and am unfamiliar and unaccustomed to "outside" encounters. I try to understand that mindset but I have been, thus far, unsuccessful in my efforts.

I find it impossible to separate physical sex from emotional sex when considering someone I care deeply about. The act of coitus, to me, creates and strengthens the bond between the two and to give that away to an "outsider" diminishes that bond. However, if the two of you find that an acceptable compromise then so be it.

It seems to me however that you do not find it completely acceptable and would prefer that he concentrate on you and your emotional needs as opposed to paid phone/internet encounters. If this is so, then perhaps you also need to see that you could focus more energy and time on him. It depends on how badly you want the marriage to be exclusive as to how much effort you deem appropriate to put forth.

Your last bolded statement above I find troubling in that you see what he is doing as progressing, as moving forward "without you" when in truth what he is doing is lagging behind. From the perspective of your M and the growing and developing of same, he is the one failing and falling behind. It is you who are trying to move ahead, building the relationship and it is he that is regressing.

A carpenter uses tools to construct a project and without them the process is exponentially more difficult if not impossible. The tools we use as "advanced" cognizant beings is rational, reasonable communication wherewith we can "build" our project, which is a concept or idea, in another person's mind thereby conveying our point and creating an understanding that they can perceive. If those tools are ineffective then we, as is the carpenter, are powerless to build our project.

So then the issue becomes how to make someone understand our concept when they are not fully capable of that understanding. The only other option we have, that has any chance of limited success is coercion. We must manipulate their behavior by fear, intimidation and threat of loss. This is why the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is mostly accurate because they are changing their behavior not of their own volition, but rather because of some outside influence exerted upon them.

This is the fundamental idea behind your "threat" of going outside the M for sex. Your hope is that your H will find that prospect so unappealing that he will alter his behavior so as to prevent you from doing that. It may work, for a time but unless you can alter his understanding it will not succeed long term. Perhaps counseling can provide some understanding but it may simply be that he cannot comprehend your feelings and empathize enough to alter his actions. This is the sad reality that many of us face.

I wish you good fortune in your endeavor.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Welcome and I am sorry you are here. I think you would be a fool to believe that he is only doing this "when you are busy." You have caught him twice, that doesn't mean that is the only time he was engaging in this behavior. 

This is not about how busy you are. This is about him having a problem with using sex as a coping mechanism. Sex that is not with you.

Also, my ex husband was very shy and a loner too. It did not stop his behaviors from escalating to real life. They started out with activities like your husband activities are - the ones you are only aware of.

I urge you to read my story. I am not saying he is doing the same things, just keep your eyes wide open. With people like this, you could be giving him everything he wants and be a 22 year old super model and it still wouldn't be enough for him. I was open with my husband, willing to do anything. He still wanted his strange. I offered my husband an open marriage after discovery. He wanted to keep me and his *****s, but it would be "wrong" for me to seek my needs elsewhere, according to him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wow! Your husband gets to pay to be trash talked by a guy pretending to be a gal, whilst you get to have flings outside your marriage and risk getting STDS! 

I mean, what could possibly go wrong with that?

It's clearly a win-win situation, right?

Wrong. It is not. 

You are better than that, you deserve better than that. 

I suggest counselling both individual and couple's.

And keep divorce open as an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Sounds to me you're only staying in it because you like the lifestyle that you have due to you both "making very good money". 

In my opinion, you stepping out because he won't give it to you, and he is seeking it elsewhere, doesn't sound like a marriage


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Their is another poster here who's wife engages in similar behavior with co-workers. He is going insane trying to figure out why, and it is much more then that. Perhaps the two of you should comment on each other threads

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ssive-texting-wife-opposite-sex-coworker.html

As to swinging, don't. Deal with what is in front of you only, do not add to the problem. If you rewrote this to be a non sexual work place issue how would you handle it? Try writing it here fir comments.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
(just trying to collect some info)

Has he shown any interest in things outside of the marriage except for phone domination?

Do I understand correctly that you offered / did provide domination to him if he wanted it? (or if not, would you?)


You have every right to be upset, I'm just trying to see if there is some alternative.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Interesting how some people have laser focused in on you wanting to step out and getting your needs met. This not the issue! This is you not knowing what to do and considering your options.

HE is the one with the problem. He knows your past, you are not out there swinging right now...you are toying with your options and rightly so. I have been there, wondering what else I should be doing.

My perspective is that this is not about her risking her marriage and wanting to go out swinging, that was her reaction to his actions which are initially causing this disruption.


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## Schatzi (Aug 19, 2012)

where_are_we, thank you for speaking up for me--a LOT has happened since I first posted this thread, and I think I have a clearer perspective than I did the day I posted this thread. You and some others were spot on about a few things.

I hacked my husband's PayPal account, and learned he spent, between 2014 and 2015, about $11,000 on this stuff, and that was just what I could see went through PayPal...I'm confident that he spent from other sources as well. Much of the spending was in the form of gifts, and eventually to one particular domme that he'd grown attracted to and would talk about personal things with. He'd send her things as little as nail polish and lip gloss and candles, up to an iMac laptop and accessories, a PS4 gaming console, and lots n lots of cash gifts. She, in turn, would tell him that he belonged to her and that he was a lowly maggot, and would command him to hurt himself. He always said regarding the domination and submission thing that he was a masochist, but I never realized the extent. She would command him to abuse his genitals, to masturbate with sriracha sauce or IcyHot or BenGay; she'd have him kneel on Nerds candies or Lego pieces; she'd make him whip himself between the thighs or on his back, repeatedly til he almost bled. As long as I'll live, I'll never understand how this is a turn on.

The more I learned about the lengths he went to to make all of this happen, the more I realized that this is a bona fide addiction--a sickness that is difficult to control. He's been doing online porn and some spending for all his adult life, but what changed was that now he had access to more money to grow the addiction. I learned that he would take scrap from work that was being discarded, and sell it for a decent sum of money, and about 80% of his spending on these activities came from these funds. The other 20% came from our personal funds. 

I learned that he had set up an elaborate network of credit and debit cards to hide his spending from me, and when I finally confronted him with all this, he confessed that he had even had a cover story at the ready for why he was carrying a 2nd phone, but never got to tell me his cover story because I never noticed the phone in the first place--for MONTHS. And when I DID finally notice it, I knew without looking into it what it was, so I never confronted him about it...instead, I kept quiet so as to look into it without his deleting anything.

I learned that much of what happened or didn't happen in our sex life was not only relayed back to her, but in fact, was DICTATED by her. She would tell him things to do with me during sex, or things to suggest to me to do during sex. I did say that we had done some domination stuff in our own sex life, and as it turns out, everything he suggested we do came from her. There were also times when he would avoid having sex with me because she had forbidden him from orgasming. Or he would FAKE an orgasm inside of me so as not to orgasm against her command. All of that was particularly painful, to know that my sex life was not my own, but in fact, was on display, and every move within it was controlled by someone else. He not only submitted himself to her, but I was submitted by proxy.

The relationship was complicated between them. She is actually a bisexual that leans more towards lesbian, and in fact, is in a committed relationship with a woman who also would get on calls with him. And he sent gifts to the gf too. The relationship was purely about the submission, but they apparently talked on such a personal level that he was feeling close to her. It was not love and he would never consider leaving me for her, but he was deeply interested in her. In reading the texts between them, I realized what my husband was telling me about the dynamics of that relationship was true.

About 2 months ago, my husband's company had a big celebratory event and took their people on a harbor cruise in NYC. He LOVED it, and came home talking about how awesome it was and that we should go. I had actually wanted to get married on a harbor cruise, and so I was completely into the idea as well. But that idea never came together. I eventually learned that she had standing plans to come to NYC so that her gf could visit family out this way, and so they all planned to meet...and I read in the texts that he suggested the harbor cruise to HER instead of following through on it with me. At the point where I found his phone and unearthed the whole sordid mess, it was in the week before NYC was to happen (she is now in NYC as I type this). 

He swears that he actually was about to break it off, that it was starting to get uncomfortable, and meeting was never something he wanted, even though HE was the one who had suggested it initially. He was afraid of taking it from online to reality. Although I very much believe he wasn't interested in being publicly humiliated like she was planning on doing, I still believe he'd have met her. There wouldn't have been sex, but the bond would've strengthened. He swears otherwise. Whatever.

He has told me that in the days following my first confrontation with him, he became so sick over how much he hurt me and at the thought of losing me that he threw up at work twice. He said the realization hit him of what he'd done to me and our marriage, that up to that point, he was just simply falling into old habits without consideration of how it impacted the marriage, and because there was no physical contact, he justified his actions to himself, convinced himself while he was doing it that it was not cheating, but just consuming porn. He said he would do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to keep me, and asked me what I wanted from him.

At first, I just wanted him out--I knew this was an addiction, and therefore, a problem that would rear its ugly head over and over. But as I've said in the OP, after considering life without him, I found that to be less desirable than life with him. He IS my best friend, and I'm his. We enjoy each other's company, and feel a certain level of understanding that we could never get elsewhere. We both would be so lost without each other. I knew I wanted him to stay, but could not deal with the thoughts of what had happened, or the fact that it would likely happen again down the line. 

Several of you posted that I was putting swinging or "stepping out of the marriage" out there to get back at him. With a bit of distance and introspection, I have to agree. I truly have no desire to swing again--I put it out there because I knew it would hurt him. I have vacillated several times between anger and deep sadness (lots of tears) since discovering this, and when I posted this thread, I was REALLY angry. I was focused on all the things he did wrong to me while I was being completely faithful and honest with him in this marriage, and I did indeed want to hurt him. 

We've done a TON of talking, and I have asked him LOTS of questions about his activities, his feelings towards the dome, his feelings on our sex life and towards me. It's been very good, and in some ways, we're closer than we've ever been. Are we healed? Gosh no...I still go through waves of deep pain over this, but I think we're going in the right direction. He has agreed to help me direct our spending on the one thing I have wanted in our marriage that he kept stalling on--finishing our home remodel (now I understand why he stalled that)--and he also agrees to deed the house to me exclusively. In reading about how to heal from sexual addiction, I read that transparency is critical. So he has provided me with access to all his devices, and login credentials to all credit accounts and social media. I'm not convinced this addiction will stay at bay, but for now, I'm happy with the direction we are going in. And I still welcome everyone's feedback. I might even post this follow-up to a new thread.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Interesting. Thought something on parallel lines... If you don't mind me asking, how's your sex life? Has he been suggesting or asking for something more, like you being dominant in bed? Do you feel that your own time in bed has become boring to either or both?

Sometimes how I wish my partner would talk dirty to me, would be aggressive, would give me oral or agree to some bondage games!



rubymoon said:


> I'd say you have two options: try to learn BDMS (I think this is how its called). You may grow to enjoy it and then you will be his Goddess. If not, then prepare for a divorce - gather evidence, separate and hide funds... Because unless you make peace with his fetish (whether you are a part of it or not), your marriage is doomed to fail (regardless of you cheating openly or secretly).


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## Schatzi (Aug 19, 2012)

Brown male, our whole sex life was about domination and submission, with me usually being the Dominant. It was not something I had ever been into before our marriage, but I have always been open-minded and very sexual, so I was open to it when he suggested that was what he wanted early on in the marriage. I suppose if you REALLY examine the relationship, he's the dominant and I'm the submissive, because all I ever want is to please him, and if being dominant to him was what it took, then I was happy to take that role. And if I'm honest, once I delved into it, there was much about it that I found arousing.

Our sex life was mostly about controlling when or if he orgasmed, often denying him or ruining it. But sometimes we'd go into the basement and I'd dress up in Domme clothing and we'd get much more intense. Most recently, it started involving pain--whipping him. It was not arousing to me, but I was willing to do it because he wanted it. Even then, though, I think it was not the level he was looking for. And now I realize that that escalation to greater pain was at her suggestion, so it's a turn off to me now.

I read in at least one of his texts with her that he loved me very much, that I was Domme in the bedroom and he loved all of it, but that there were some elements that just don't work when you're in a loving relationship, and that was why he went to her. She could be cold and ruthless without emotion towards him, and he craved that, for reasons that, as I've said, I just can't pretend to understand, nor do I think I ever will. I had told him in the past that I had a hard time with deliberately physically hurting him, and so he felt he couldn't get that from me, and went seeking it online. And while logically, I know I've done nothing wrong, it still stings, makes me feel inadequate. That I gave him all of that, and he still wanted more.


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## Schatzi (Aug 19, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> (just trying to collect some info)
> 
> Has he shown any interest in things outside of the marriage except for phone domination?
> ...


Richardsharpe, no, he hasn't. And as I indicated in my long in-thread post today, I did get to read EVERYTHING. Sex for him has never been about intercourse so much as mind submission. He was able to get that from this woman in spades, and there really isn't a need to meet in order to get that.

I did indeed provide domination to him--it was, in varying degrees, part of our everyday sex lives. I would control whether or not he orgasmed, and once in a while, we also would take it deeper. When it's an addiction, though, it's hard to satisfy. I am the most open person I know--he had prime rib at home, and still insisted on chasing after headcheese out there.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm so sorry to hear your story. He is really seriously off the reservation on this one. Thousands of dollars, letting her control your sex life etc. 

Call it addition if you want - maybe he can't control his behavior. 

Even if its is an addiction you don't need to live with it anymore than you need to live with a heroin addict who steals your money for drugs.

I wish I had a suggestion, but I really don't. You can try to track everything he does, but I think it is almost certain he will go back to this. You can try to get him in therapy, but I don't have any particular reason to think it will work.


You have every right to leave, and that really is probably the best idea at this point. You deserve a awful lot better.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Schatzi said:


> Richardsharpe, no, he hasn't. And as I indicated in my long in-thread post today, I did get to read EVERYTHING. Sex for him has never been about intercourse so much as mind submission. He was able to get that from this woman in spades, and there really isn't a need to meet in order to get that.
> 
> I did indeed provide domination to him--it was, in varying degrees, part of our everyday sex lives. I would control whether or not he orgasmed, and once in a while, we also would take it deeper. When it's an addiction, though, it's hard to satisfy. I am the most open person I know--he had prime rib at home, and still insisted on chasing after headcheese out there.


I can relate about prime rib at home. In my marriage nothing was off limits to at least discuss and possibly do. But he still sought it out elsewhere. There is really nothing you can do. he will always want more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, he hid the bruises and cuts from you? That's sad, right there.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If your H is saying or doing things online that he wouldn't be happy sharing with you, he is most certainly cheating. 

IMO, you have three choices:- He gets help for his 'problem,' you accept his behaviour or you leave him.

Read Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is cheating, you have a case of sexual infidelity and financial infidelity, a double whammy plain and simple because he is giving to someone else outside the marriage what he should be giving to you. Roleplay it is not, because he cannot have sex with you! that is real life! He is being unfaithful in more ways than one. You have said you do not want a divorce but unless he gets help nothing will change, can you live with that?

I think your husband needs a fire under his stupid a$$. He needs to see he could lose you, period. You have to be willing to lose this marriage alsos. Tell him to get help NOW for his addiction, you are giving him 3 months if not your are walking.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Just because he is "getting help" does not mean he will get better or not relapse either. Are you willing to live like that? If so, carry on. Only you can decide what is best for you. I wish you the best.


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