# newbie looking for advice



## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

Hello, I am new here and like most people, never thought there wasn't anything life could throw at me that I could not deal with myself. However I would like to appeal to those that can offer advice. I promise to listen and probably make excuses not to follow the advice but at least I am honest. hopefully someone's words will affect me enough to make better decisions.
The dilemma I have is quite complex in history but all boils down to dealing with infidelity. I have been seeing a man since 2010 that I was once engaged to over 20 years ago when I was 16. long story short, I loved him like no other and made a bad decision to break it off with him all those years ago. In the 20 years I have loved and lost but never quite like him. I have a certain guilt from our break up that as a Catholic I will carry forever. I was pregnant and he was a teenage alcoholic. I chose not to have the child and left him. I went on to college and live the life I felt at such a young age I should be living. I eventually met someone and had a child yet I have avoided marriage 3 times in those 20 years. For background, every man I had dated or been with since him had cheated either with a minor, or another woman or even a man. I heard this man's voice on the phone after 20 years and jumped at the chance to be with him since in my heart he had never cheated and his only crime was having a lack of motivation and drinking problem. We met for coffee and discussed our current relationships with our partners. However I had already been honest with my partner and told him that since I was willing to meet with another man without knowing where it would go was proof enough that our relationship was over. Unfortunately this man from my past had been spending the better part of trying to free himself of his relationship with a very dependent woman. they were never married and had no children however they were together and shared a home legally together for 16 years. He told me that after we just met again old feelings were back and he needed to go home and finalize his break up. I think we all know how this goes. After 4 and a half years of him jumping between my bed and hers because he "felt so badly", she finally left him and now he is all mine. What a prize. During this 4 years he has done some of the most disgusting things imaginable. cheated with his ex entire time and picked up a waitress and went home with her for the night, has had terrible boughts with drinking and drugs (doctor prescribed ambien) not to mention giving his phone number out to a cab driver that was about 15 years younger than us and gets nude photos of her sent to his phone, as well as a slew of sex site accounts he set up that he claims the guys at work did on his computer... he has now claimed to be faithful for the last 10 months and only drinks about once a month however I just can't live like this. I am always looking over my shoulder. he has secrets and hides or locks me out of his phone and any of our mutual friends we had from our past have been convinced by him not to talk to me or give me any information about his whereabouts when he says he is at their house. When we argue and I bring up the reasons why I want him to help me earn back his trust I am told that I just need to get over it. Anyone got any advice? There is so much more that has happened but not sure anyone has the patience to listen or even wants to


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

katiestadri1 said:


> Hello, I am new here and like most people, never thought there wasn't anything life could throw at me that I could not deal with myself. However I would like to appeal to those that can offer advice. I promise to listen and probably make excuses not to follow the advice but at least I am honest. hopefully someone's words will affect me enough to make better decisions.
> The dilemma I have is quite complex in history but all boils down to dealing with infidelity. I have been seeing a man since 2010 that I was once engaged to over 20 years ago when I was 16. long story short, I loved him like no other and made a bad decision to break it off with him all those years ago. In the 20 years I have loved and lost but never quite like him. I have a certain guilt from our break up that as a Catholic I will carry forever. I was pregnant and he was a teenage alcoholic. I chose not to have the child and left him. I went on to college and live the life I felt at such a young age I should be living. I eventually met someone and had a child yet I have avoided marriage 3 times in those 20 years. For background, every man I had dated or been with since him had cheated either with a minor, or another woman or even a man. I heard this man's voice on the phone after 20 years and jumped at the chance to be with him since in my heart he had never cheated and his only crime was having a lack of motivation and drinking problem. We met for coffee and discussed our current relationships with our partners. However I had already been honest with my partner and told him that since I was willing to meet with another man without knowing where it would go was proof enough that our relationship was over. Unfortunately this man from my past had been spending the better part of trying to free himself of his relationship with a very dependent woman. they were never married and had no children however they were together and shared a home legally together for 16 years. He told me that after we just met again old feelings were back and he needed to go home and finalize his break up. I think we all know how this goes. After 4 and a half years of him jumping between my bed and hers because he "felt so badly", she finally left him and now he is all mine. What a prize. During this 4 years he has done some of the most disgusting things imaginable. cheated with his ex entire time and picked up a waitress and went home with her for the night, has had terrible boughts with drinking and drugs (doctor prescribed ambien) not to mention giving his phone number out to a cab driver that was about 15 years younger than us and gets nude photos of her sent to his phone, as well as a slew of sex site accounts he set up that he claims the guys at work did on his computer... he has now claimed to be faithful for the last 10 months and only drinks about once a month however I just can't live like this. I am always looking over my shoulder. he has secrets and hides or locks me out of his phone and any of our mutual friends we had from our past have been convinced by him not to talk to me or give me any information about his whereabouts when he says he is at their house. When we argue and I bring up the reasons why I want him to help me earn back his trust I am told that I just need to get over it. Anyone got any advice? There is so much more that has happened but not sure anyone has the patience to listen or even wants to


Kick him out on his ass and be done w/ him.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Abusing Ambien? I hope you get him the help he needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

He agreed to get counseling for the alcohol addiction as long as I agreed to get counseling and medication for my bi-polar symptoms. I guess if someone that cheated on you gets caught with nude photos in their phone and gets upset about it, that means you are bi-polar. I wake up most days ok but something will trigger me to be reminded of how easy it was for him to cheat, and how I pushed him to do it. Somehow being told his bad choices were my fault and I pressured him too much to be with me can cause some damage that on a day to day basis I have to work really hard to forget. About once a week he makes me feel stupid and all I remember was him constantly telling me how "she" would never be upset with him for drinking, or anything. How "she " did not ever argue her point like I do. She would just clam up and ignore him and go out with her friends and all would be fine later. I have grown tired of reminding him I am not "her".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

katiestadri1 said:


> He agreed to get counseling for the alcohol addiction as long as I agreed to get counseling and medication for my bi-polar symptoms. I guess if someone that cheated on you gets caught with nude photos in their phone and gets upset about it, that means you are bi-polar. I wake up most days ok but something will trigger me to be reminded of how easy it was for him to cheat, and how I pushed him to do it. Somehow being told his bad choices were my fault and I pressured him too much to be with me can cause some damage that on a day to day basis I have to work really hard to forget. About once a week he makes me feel stupid and all I remember was him constantly telling me how "she" would never be upset with him for drinking, or anything. How "she " did not ever argue her point like I do. She would just clam up and ignore him and go out with her friends and all would be fine later. I have grown tired of reminding him I am not "her".


Kick him out on his ass and be done w/ him.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Get help for your Catholic guilt and stop letting men treat you like a door mat!*

*God forgives it is you that does not accept*


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

thank you for the advice. I know in my heart I was forgiven. I have a relationship with the lord in my own way. Sadly I have a background of a great deal of mental and physical abuse behind me. Sometimes I can not decipher which words being spoken to me are just normal and which are harmful. To someone not used to verbal abuse being told something like "you're getting fat better do something soon" can be taken as rotten and mean. To me it was a form of someone showing concern in my house but just a bad choice in words used to convey their thought. My friends have heard things that were said to me and asked me why the heck I was not offended. I had to ask them why, was it offensive? lol. I am trying to make light of how I have chosen to cope with abuses. I managed to live all these years so I wasn't clear as to if I am reacting correctly or not but I do know is that I am still alive and get up everyday and like myself and who I am. I do not deliberately say things to hurt people but I myself have said things and did not realize it may have come out hurtful. In this situation I took the right of having a child away from the other person. I was young. In some way I feel like maybe this person has a bit of a right to let me know they are still hurt by my choice and this is their only way of expressing it. This person has only an 8th grade education so I don't expect them to be able to communicate the same as I do when pain is involved. not making excuses just cutting them some slack and being accountable that my past decisions may have caused someone else a world of hurt. Am I wrong? I appreciate all advice. trust me.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

katiestadri1 said:


> thank you for the advice. I know in my heart I was forgiven. I have a relationship with the lord in my own way. Sadly I have a background of a great deal of mental and physical abuse behind me. Sometimes I can not decipher which words being spoken to me are just normal and which are harmful. To someone not used to verbal abuse being told something like "you're getting fat better do something soon" can be taken as rotten and mean. To me it was a form of someone showing concern in my house but just a bad choice in words used to convey their thought. My friends have heard things that were said to me and asked me why the heck I was not offended. I had to ask them why, was it offensive? lol. I am trying to make light of how I have chosen to cope with abuses. I managed to live all these years so I wasn't clear as to if I am reacting correctly or not but I do know is that I am still alive and get up everyday and like myself and who I am. I do not deliberately say things to hurt people but I myself have said things and did not realize it may have come out hurtful. In this situation I took the right of having a child away from the other person. I was young. *In some way I feel like maybe this person has a bit of a right to let me know they are still hurt by my choice and this is their only way of expressing it.* This person has only an 8th grade education so I don't expect them to be able to communicate the same as I do when pain is involved. not making excuses just cutting them some slack and being accountable that my past decisions may have caused someone else a world of hurt. Am I wrong? I appreciate all advice. trust me.


They DO have a right to let you know how hurtful your choice was, BUT you have rights, too. the right to release yourself from guilt. the right to know that YOU weren't a horrible person. The right to MOVE ON....


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Katie
You did hurt yourself and the father of the child but you have been forgiven by your God so *mankind does not have the right to hurt you with words or deeds for over 20 years; unless you allow it. *

You being accountable for your past decisions does NOT mean that you rationalize the negative treatment that others have given you. *Being accountable is for you to accept God’s forgiveness, reject the pain that others try to give you, and use your guilt free conscience to improving yourself.* Get all the help that you can to deal with your background of mental and physical abuse.

If you think that you deserve to be treated badly because of your past decisions then I would wonder if you really believe that you have been forgiven. 

You may have some consequences to live with about your past decisions but your man dong the “most disgusting things imaginable” is not one of them. In addition, cheating with his ex for the last 4 years, one night sex with waitress, nude photos of another woman, and has secrets and hides or locks you out of his phone and his mutual friends is not your burden to bare! The fact that you have tolerated this abuse is cause for concern. *Do you think that you deserve or need to be treated in this way*?


You asked “Am I wrong?”

If you feel that you have been forgiven by God, but you have to tolerate or deserve the abuse above because you made a past mistake 20 years ago, then my answer would be YES you are wrong. *To correct this wrong I would advise you to get all the help that you can from all sources including professional help and someone that can help you fully understand what true Godly forgiveness is and how you can forgive yourself.*


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

I agree. I also am guilty of "punishing" him lately by reminding him of his indiscretions which the lord has forgiven him for as well. I have no right to verbalize my anger in the same way. I guess I felt after years of it that fighting back with unkind words was my only option. I have a lot of damage control to do starting with myself. I am hoping that through the words of others I can also find some comfort during the undoing and healing process. I have not left him as of yet. He is trying to make things better in his own way however his way and constant need for an attaboy when he is well behaved for a week is really wearing me down. I know praise is the golden rule if you want good behavior to continue but I am spent. I did not get an atta girl for standing by and going through all his drama. He thinks he figured it out finally...lol


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think you need to remove god from the equation here. By including him in your reasons for staying and putting up with this is not helping you. God does not advocate abuse. You live with an abusive man and you are willingly allowing it. He will NOT change! Men like this do not change. You had the sense to leave him all those years ago, you cut ties, and did what was best for you by not having the baby. Why did you have the sense then but not now? 

The only outcome to your problem is to ditch him. But how long will it take for you to get to this? If you are not ready yet, I suggest you read up on manipulative behaviour. He is manipulating you terribly. He is projecting. Men who do this are also controlling. Read up on controlling and abusive men. Buy the book from Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that? Angry and controlling men' or a title to that effect. It's a brilliant book and I can't recommend it enough for a woman like yourself in the position you find yourself in.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It sounds like you are trying to get control over a situation that you cannot control.

Even though the thought of walking away from this may initially fill you with fear...I think you ought to meditate on the thought of being on your own for a while.

As in NO relationships. It sounds like you started young and bounced around from one bad relationship to another. It doesn't have to mean you are bi-polar, but it can mean that you aren't thinking and acting from a healthy perspective. leading you to unhealthy decisions, and unhealthy relationships.

Get healthy and take control of what things you say YES to...and give yourself the power to see things for what they are and have the strength to not only say NO, but HELL NO.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You should get counseling, don't worry about a diagnoses, it's not about mental illness. It's about having a safe, neutral sounding board. 

Most people have a way of coloring our perception of people and situations to be what we want them to be, not what they are. Therapy will help you see the truth. 

Kick him out and spend some time single. Don't date, just heal. Find your inner happiness. Once you do, you'll be able to find someone healthy to join you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

katiestadri1 said:


> He agreed to get counseling for the alcohol addiction as long as I agreed to get counseling and medication for my bi-polar symptoms. I guess if someone that cheated on you gets caught with nude photos in their phone and gets upset about it, that means you are bi-polar. I wake up most days ok but something will trigger me to be reminded of how easy it was for him to cheat, and how I pushed him to do it. Somehow being told his bad choices were my fault and I pressured him too much to be with me can cause some damage that on a day to day basis I have to work really hard to forget. About once a week he makes me feel stupid and all I remember was him constantly telling me how "she" would never be upset with him for drinking, or anything. How "she " did not ever argue her point like I do. She would just clam up and ignore him and go out with her friends and all would be fine later. I have grown tired of reminding him I am not "her".


You may not be bipolar but you need counseling in the worst way. You have picked one bad apple after the other to be your man and it started when you were a wee teenager.

Your current man isn't worth the dynamite it would take to blow him up. 

Im not saying to dump him but do the 180 and get counseling until you have found yourself. Use him like he uses everyone else then walk.

You made an excellent decision years ago when you dumped him. It was puppy love and now you see he really is the dog you thought he was so long ago. Get back on track and figure out why you don't think you deserve a good man and then go find one.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Get away from that relationship. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING good will come from it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Kick him out on his ass and be done w/ him.


...is there an echo in here??


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

Well here I am 5 months later and things are a little bit better. I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and advice. I am over the catholic guilt and working on forgiveness. Why is it I really wished the man I am with would have just kept one promise throughout all of this drama and aggravation? I seriously am looking for a different kind of advice because I have a different way of interpreting things. I feel like this man should have kept at least one of the promises he made, and I wanted him to do things my way for a change. It has been over 5 years now. The beginning was all about the bull everyone gets handed...I want to be with you so bad, I want to have children with you, I can picture our wedding, etc. Sadly thanks to his lack of letting go of his ex, or as he claims, his fear of making her upset and losing such a great friendship, we are now far passed the chance of ever having children as promised, and when I bring up marriage which he was sooooo into in the beginning, my requestes are met with anger and eye-rolling and I am told "yeah we will get married some day but I ain't getting married tomorrow" or my personal favorite, " I just want everything done in order, like lets get a house and be financially ok first". Sadly the underlying truth is that if his ex suspected we were to be married she would have hurt feelings and he could not live with that. We are in the process of getting a house even though he still pays for her to live in his first house because she will not leave (she needs him to pay mortgage and all the bills so she can save for a house of her own first), which has been going on now for about 2 years. However I have no one to blame but myself for sticking around for all of this torture with the delusion that it will get better. I have managed to convince myself that the longer I stick it out the better it will be eventually. Unfortunately I am wondering if this feeling of resentment will ever pass? anyone got a similar thought or feeling?
Thanks....


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You dodged a bullet all those years ago only to have it hit you now, regrettable. Your mind must be clouded by emotion for you not to see that he is stringing you along. He is not now, nor will he ever be ready to marry you, in my opinion. He wants his cake......

If you can tolerate his behavior then so be it. If not, perhaps it's time to let the past repeat itself. Strength and good fortune.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

katiestadri1 said:


> …….I am wondering if this feeling of resentment will ever pass? anyone got a similar thought or feeling?
> Thanks....


No it won't, and considering the original post and this update, I suspect it will only grow. 

On a side note….you mentioned you had a child. Is it a daughter who is a minor living with you? I only ask because you gave a list of sexual 'indiscretions' that your dude did that you described as ''the most disgusting things imaginable''. I would be concerned for her safety if what you say is true.


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

No I have a 21 year old son who does not live with me anymore. His main disgusting act was getting a waitresses phone number while I was in the ladies room then proceeding to sleep with her 3 days later while I had a candlelight dinner waiting for him. then kept in touch with her and spent his only day off with her after telling me how he was so disgusted by his actions. Then he blamed the medication he was prescribed by his doctor (that he chose to mix with alcohol) but he was so sorry. 4 months later he helped her move in with "her new boyfriend" and she gave him great advice about our relationship so he just had to stay friends with her. Side note, she is a drug addict alcoholic who lost custody of her children so I guess I get my advice from the totally wrong people, like educated and decent. and ironically when I needed help moving he "had to work".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

katiestadri1 said:


> Well here I am 5 months later and things are a little bit better. I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and advice. I am over the catholic guilt and working on forgiveness. Why is it I really wished the man I am with would have just kept one promise throughout all of this drama and aggravation? I seriously am looking for a different kind of advice because I have a different way of interpreting things. I feel like this man should have kept at least one of the promises he made, and I wanted him to do things my way for a change. It has been over 5 years now. The beginning was all about the bull everyone gets handed...I want to be with you so bad, I want to have children with you, I can picture our wedding, etc. Sadly thanks to his lack of letting go of his ex, or as he claims, his fear of making her upset and losing such a great friendship, we are now far passed the chance of ever having children as promised, and when I bring up marriage which he was sooooo into in the beginning, my requestes are met with anger and eye-rolling and I am told "yeah we will get married some day but I ain't getting married tomorrow" or my personal favorite, " I just want everything done in order, like lets get a house and be financially ok first". Sadly the underlying truth is that if his ex suspected we were to be married she would have hurt feelings and he could not live with that. We are in the process of getting a house even though he still pays for her to live in his first house because she will not leave (she needs him to pay mortgage and all the bills so she can save for a house of her own first), which has been going on now for about 2 years. However I have no one to blame but myself for sticking around for all of this torture with the delusion that it will get better. I have managed to convince myself that the longer I stick it out the better it will be eventually. Unfortunately I am wondering if this feeling of resentment will ever pass? anyone got a similar thought or feeling?
> Thanks....





katiestadri1 said:


> No I have a 21 year old son who does not live with me anymore. His main disgusting act was getting a waitresses phone number while I was in the ladies room then proceeding to sleep with her 3 days later while I had a candlelight dinner waiting for him. then kept in touch with her and spent his only day off with her after telling me how he was so disgusted by his actions. Then he blamed the medication he was prescribed by his doctor (that he chose to mix with alcohol) but he was so sorry. 4 months later he helped her move in with "her new boyfriend" and she gave him great advice about our relationship so he just had to stay friends with her. Side note, she is a drug addict alcoholic who lost custody of her children so I guess I get my advice from the totally wrong people, like educated and decent. and ironically when I needed help moving he "had to work".


Hmm... seems like we went over all this before.

Oh yeah... that's right...



GusPolinski said:


> Kick him out on his ass and be done w/ him.





GusPolinski said:


> Kick him out on his ass and be done w/ him.





Q tip said:


> Kick him out on his ass and be done w/ him.
> 
> 
> ...is there an echo in here??


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

Gus you are funny. I appreciate your repeated comment. To fill in the 5 month gap I had worked 4 jobs making my time with him quite limited and if he cheated I just didn't go looking for the proof. I used him in a different way. We don't live together and he definitely doesn't pay any of my bills but by accepting I can not change him and allowing him the numerous hours of freedom while I had been working I figured he would find someone else if he was truly looking. In the interim, I made so much money I paid off about $20k in debt and have only $9,000.00 to go which could have only been done by not placing myself in the position of a breakup. I am emotional and I would have been too upset to work and do what I had to for my own betterment. We now have a game plan. He is purchasing a new house by himself, and we agreed that I would purchase our "vacation home" out of state near my family where it is warm. We will both eventually own separate properties in our own individual names. I have acquired 2 jobs that I can easily transfer when the time is right. He can not and he makes so much money that he will most likely never leave this state. As I see it I had placed my emotions on hold to position myself accordingly with out taking advantage of anyone unlike many people. During this process he had the freedom to see that he could do whatever he wanted behind my back while unknowingly gave me back the power I allowed him to take from me. Financial freedom and my independence. He thought I was a weak, broke, stupid woman that clung to his very being because I had no self esteem. Lucky for me his eyes are not open wide enough to see that I have played along regaining my ground. When push comes to shove and I am debt free, we will see how things go. If he hasn't shaped up and I find one shred of infidelity I am out the door and don't need him like he thinks. I see this as win, win for me. Either we work out and my resentment fades, or we don't and I move 1800 miles away and feel confident in starting a new life with no contact. I will be happy either way.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

katiestadri1 said:


> No I have a 21 year old son who does not live with me anymore.


Whew!




katiestadri1 said:


> His main disgusting act was getting a waitresses phone number while I was in the ladies room then proceeding to sleep with her 3 days later while I had a candlelight dinner waiting for him. then kept in touch with her and spent his only day off with her after telling me how he was so disgusted by his actions. Then he blamed the medication he was prescribed by his doctor (that he chose to mix with alcohol) but he was so sorry. 4 months later he helped her move in with "her new boyfriend" and she gave him great advice about our relationship so he just had to stay friends with her. Side note, she is a drug addict alcoholic who lost custody of her children so I guess I get my advice from the totally wrong people, like educated and decent. and ironically when I needed help moving he "had to work".


I think it would be worth your while to not be involved with any men for a good bit and find out why you seem to make such bad decisions picking guys. There's a metric sh*t tonne from your past that needs to be unpacked and dealt with. I truly wish you the best of luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

There's a reason you dumped this "gem" 20 years ago. Now, do it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Katie
You have sacrificed your emotions so that you can gain your “Financial freedom and my independence”. That maybe a good partial plan but *you cannot have “emotional Independence” when a breakup will cause you to be unable to work because of your emotions. In addition,* I want to comment on your statement below:



> When push comes to shove and I am debt free, *we will see how things go.* If he hasn't shaped up and I find one shred of infidelity I am out the door and don't need him like he thinks.


In my view you are too weak emotionally to completely cut your emotional dependence on your boyfriend that has proven for many years that he will bring you down more than lift you up. You say “…we will see how things go”? *after all these years of him proving to you that he will damage you and is a loser, you still will give him a chance and “…see how things go”?*

You may be making advances in the financial area but you are still weak emotionally. I am not trying to put you down I am just telling you what I see. Your boyfriend’s history that you have shared with us tells me that he is going to make your life miserable if you stay with him. Frankly, you not completely separating from him after all these years tells me that you are rationalizing and compromising because you do not want to face the real tough task that will help you the most. *That task is for you to get more self-esteem to go along with your goal of independence and financial freedom. Your goal is only 2/3 complete but with you being emotionally strong enough to completely separate from him without having you saying “We will see how things go” then you will have a winning plan.*

Do not make excuses but get going NOW in building yourself up. You can utilize the 3-fs with family, friends, and faith. In addition, you have the money to get professional help. There are other ways but you will have to take the intuitive to diligently seek out all the help you can get. Your emotional status is not strong enough because you have allowed this man to abuse you for years. Your financial plan is great but if you do not get your emotional strength in good shape you will compromise when the things get real tough. *You can come out a lot better and have a much happier life if you have a complete plan. If you stay with this man he will tear you down even more.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your guilt is making you accept bad things as punishment.

The good news? You have been punished enough.

Time to move on! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

katiestadri1 said:


> Gus you are funny. I appreciate your repeated comment. To fill in the 5 month gap I had worked 4 jobs making my time with him quite limited and if he cheated I just didn't go looking for the proof. I used him in a different way. We don't live together and he definitely doesn't pay any of my bills but by accepting I can not change him and allowing him the numerous hours of freedom while I had been working I figured he would find someone else if he was truly looking. In the interim, I made so much money I paid off about $20k in debt and have only $9,000.00 to go which could have only been done by not placing myself in the position of a breakup. I am emotional and I would have been too upset to work and do what I had to for my own betterment. We now have a game plan. He is purchasing a new house by himself, and we agreed that I would purchase our "vacation home" out of state near my family where it is warm. We will both eventually own separate properties in our own individual names. I have acquired 2 jobs that I can easily transfer when the time is right. He can not and he makes so much money that he will most likely never leave this state. As I see it I had placed my emotions on hold to position myself accordingly with out taking advantage of anyone unlike many people. During this process he had the freedom to see that he could do whatever he wanted behind my back while unknowingly gave me back the power I allowed him to take from me. Financial freedom and my independence. He thought I was a weak, broke, stupid woman that clung to his very being because I had no self esteem. Lucky for me his eyes are not open wide enough to see that I have played along regaining my ground. When push comes to shove and I am debt free, we will see how things go. *If he hasn't shaped up* and I find one shred of infidelity I am out the door and don't need him like he thinks. I see this as win, win for me. Either we work out and my resentment fades, or we don't and I move 1800 miles away and feel confident in starting a new life with no contact. I will be happy either way.


Fascinating. What in your history with this man would prompt you to say this? His history speaks volumes as to the likelihood of this transpiring. It is fortunate that you have an exit stragety because you will undoubtedly need it. Hopefully you will not have to deal with a microbial parting gift from him. Good fortune to you.


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