# Was I in the wrong here?



## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

I play bass guitar for a cover band with some friends. But then my family always bring this up, and it annoys me. I find I'm the centre of attention too much, but that's a digression.

anyhow, i was at my aunt's house and my brother it up as he always does, and I said "eh? Well at least I have hobbies! You just work and spend time at home, I'd rather be happy and have a varied life than a monotonous bore!" He shut up, and since then I haven't spoken with him. My mother said to me in private the following day it was not on what I did, but then I didn't and still don't care....don't make me the centre of conversation all the time. I'm no more special than anybody else. See, a simple solution to this "dilemma". And this has been happening for YEARS, so I reckon I have a right to be angry.

Though was I wrong, I just want to see a balanced perspective if possible.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Let me get this straight ....you said this to your brother >>> *"eh? Well at least I have hobbies! You just work and spend time at home, I'd rather be happy and have a varied life than a monotonous bore!"* .. ..

May I ask what he said to YOU - to get a lashing response such as that ?? 

All I get from your post is...your reasons for THIS was....the fact your family is proud of you... the fact you tend to be the center of attention...was this something the brother was complaining about ...

So you think it was "ok" to just lay into him and speak how HAPPY you are (translation- he isn't) and how your life is Varied (FULL /exciting) while stomping him yet again telling him what a monotonous bore he is ..(or maybe you meant how YOU would feel- but did he understand that ?)...

And you don't think this would Hurt -just a little ?? I mean, MEN can generally let things slide off in comparison to women- thankfully.... but seriously ...your kidding , right !?

and You are the angry one ~ feeling justified -almost pinning this on your MOM...like it's HER fault..and the aunts Fault that you slammed your brother....

Goodness.. well... hmmmm... if your brother does speak to you again.. he's more kind than I would be.. 

I feel you owe him an apology.. sad that you can't see anything wrong with this though.. Insincerity is also no good...very damaging to relationships..


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm with SA on this one. What did your brother say to offend you so much? What you said was pretty mean. 

If you're sick of being the center of attention, then fine. Tell people you feel put on the spot and don't want to talk about certain things instead of lashing out.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Miss Taken said:


> I'm with SA on this one. What did your brother say to offend you so much? What you said was pretty mean.
> 
> If you're sick of being the center of attention, then fine. Tell people you feel put on the spot and don't want to talk about certain things instead of lashing out.


:iagree:


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

Sorry, but I've spent most of my life being the centre of attention, with little privacy and being condemned for my tastes, values and behaviour. Every hobby I take up is under the scrutiny of the many in our family, and I hate it. I'm 35, and this has happened...well for the best part of 30 years. I consider that abuse, as I am being singled out and being made an example of.

Yes, perhaps my actions were uncalled for, but then context is key. I don't see why I (nor anybody else in our vicinity) should be be centre of attention in an abusive manner, and that IS abuse as any competent psychologist can affirm. Not having much privacy IS abuse.... so really, I don't see anybody here as the hapless victim. And he is older than I am, so he should really be more responsible and look to see how he has some share of the blame here (perhaps 35%, though I concede my reaction was wrong).


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Let me get this straight ....you said this to your brother >>> *"eh? Well at least I have hobbies! You just work and spend time at home, I'd rather be happy and have a varied life than a monotonous bore!"* .. ..
> 
> May I ask what he said to YOU - to get a lashing response such as that ??
> 
> ...


My accomplishments are not overly grand relative to all others, of our generation. I just don't like being made the centre of attention in an abusing manner, when HE is more educated than I am. Sorry, but familial relationships nay all human relationships are balanced. I just don't like being singled out.

And one more thing, do to a lack of privacy, I've had to see a therapist over the past five years to help me cope with stress....see? I am the total aggressor here? Am I not entitled to privacy? I'm somehow more "special" than all others are? I don't possess the same life rights as all others? If so, why not?

I only would apologise if their was surety I won't be centre of attention EVER again.....and perhaps our relatives who have PhDs from Oxbridge, are politicians, are CEOs, can be (one day I aim to be such, not meh.....subjectivity blows...)

And it offended me because I hate being the centre of attention. EVERY gathering is about what I do, what I like, what I think, etc. So I'm a bad person because I have humility? Or that I dislike people transgressing me?


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

Decorum said:


> It probably cut deep. Are you happy with that?
> 
> If yes then mission accomplished.
> 
> ...


Then he and my parents need to see how they contribute to this situation.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Ok, so you are tired and pissed at always being the center of attention, so by tearing into your brother you accomplished what? Nothing but once again being the center of attention, and bad attention at that.

It sounds like you hate the attention yet you condemn your brothers life because it's a monotonous bore. Maybe your brother is happy with his life, ever think of that? Maybe he looks at your life and thinks how it would suck to never have any privacy, ever think of that? Maybe he's much more mature than you and thinks those thinks but would never say them to you because he doesn't want to hurt you, ever think of that?

Learn some modesty and learn to downplay the attention, but also learn to accept that people are proud of your accomplishments and want to share in your life.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Ok, so you are tired and pissed at always being the center of attention, so by tearing into your brother you accomplished what? Nothing but once again being the center of attention, and bad attention at that.
> 
> It sounds like you hate the attention yet you condemn your brothers life because it's a monotonous bore. Maybe your brother is happy with his life, ever think of that? Maybe he looks at your life and thinks how it would suck to never have any privacy, ever think of that? Maybe he's much more mature than you and thinks those thinks but would never say them to you because he doesn't want to hurt you, ever think of that?
> 
> Learn some modesty and learn to downplay the attention, but also learn to accept that people are proud of your accomplishments and want to share in your life.


Sorry, I believe in balance. i just think i shouldn't be the centre of attention, when others in our midst have bigger accomplishments. I didn't know life was about being passive and others not taking their share of burden......

I'm a human, it's my right to privacy. Who can say it isn't? Sorry, but then to me all in our generation should be the centre of attention on given occasions. That's fair, and immature me espousing balance and shared responsibility...:smthumbup: I don't subscribe to your moral system, but meh...whatever.

And sorry, yes, this is how issues are resolved, by collective action not being passive. I stand that I shouldn't be the centre of attention, and I don't like being talked about with sinister motives.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Let me get this straight ....you said this to your brother >>> *"eh? Well at least I have hobbies! You just work and spend time at home, I'd rather be happy and have a varied life than a monotonous bore!"* .. ..
> 
> May I ask what he said to YOU - to get a lashing response such as that ??
> 
> ...



Sorry, but you don't know to resolve conflict lol..

He should apologise to me....for years of stress caused by a lack of privacy.

but then according to you, the normal rights of society don't matter to me......lol.. again, balance, you'll probably dismiss my points, so I'll do the same to you.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Everyone else is to blame for everything

The world revolves around you


Lack of privacy? Do you still live in your Mother's Basement?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

naminagupta said:


> Sorry, but you don't know to resolve conflict lol..
> 
> He should apologise to me....for years of stress caused by a lack of privacy.
> 
> but then according to you, the normal rights of society don't matter to me......lol.. again, balance, you'll probably dismiss my points, so I'll do the same to you.


What are the "normal rights of society" to which you are referring?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Has the counselor you've been "seeing" for the past five years (due to the stress from no privacy inflicted upon you by your brother, aunt and mother) ever mentioned this thing called Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Might check that out.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

normal rights of society is a right to privacy, and have my space respected....and all other social, legal and moral rights. I don't see how that's something that psychologists would or should disapprove of, but meh..

but then I don't see why I owe you a full conversation, you selectively dismissed me in the other thread, so I'll just presume you're brutish and not very nice, and think your view of who is valuable is primary, so don't respond to any other thread I make....:smthumbup:


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Considering this is a public forum, I shall respond to whatever thread I wish.

presuming that I am brutish and not very nice...well that's your presumption because you don't care for my advice.

Then again, I don't see you caring for anyone's advice, so I am not singled out in that regard.

I didn't say anything about your "right" to privacy being something that a psycholoist would or should disapprove.

You do seem to have a boulder on your shoulder
And when someone has that kind of attitude, there are always going to be people trying to shove it off....ESPECIALLY family.

I bet you are the baby...the last born...am I correct?

Well, they always get the microscope.
You want privacy, then maybe don't tell anyone that you don't want to know or ask about it - what you are doing. THen they won't ask about it.

Sounds to me like your family were simply talking with you about the things that you do, taking an interest in your life.
Ask your psychologist to give you techniques to switch the conversation to others.
People LOVE to talk about themselves....so answer their question quickly and then immediately ask about their life....conversation will swiftly change.

Are you having issues with substance abuse? THat is often a reason why family members question and a reason why one would be angry for all the questions etc.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

sorry, you're not nice. You lambasted for "abusing women" when some woman said religion was ****. You may tell me some psychobabble, but then saying religion is **** in any forum is offensive, given...well most in the world are religious.

sorry, but as you have a "right" to respond, I have a right to ignore....I choose with whom to reply/engage....it's called being human..


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I've never made any statements about religion...and certainly not disparaging anyone's religious beliefs

My sister happens to be an ordained methodist minister

You must be thinking of someone else

Again, this isn't making sense and has nothing to do with the predicament for which you created this thread.

I actually gave you some points to ponder.

TO answer your specific question "Was I wrong here" yes you were...if you want to have any kind of non-disfunctional relationship with your relatives that is.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

what your family is, I don't care...

If I'm so "low" that you single me out for berating when my comments are objectively no worse, then yes, I deem you brutish and not very nice lolol.. sorry, we can the opportunity with whom to liaise with...


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

The point was

I never berated anyone for their religious beliefs. So, where you are coming from makes AGAIN - no sense

You sound like you've been to TAM before with a different username

ANd I wrote what I wrote about your possible substance abuse - before even noticing your other thread in which you again are blaming someone other than yourself for your own behavior and your perception of treatment by others(mad that a physician you visited for an injury you got while drunk told you not to get drunk it is bad for you and you then deemed the Doctor as making a moral judgement - when he/she was making a logical common sense statement if you weren't drunk you wouldn't have fallen and hurt yourself).

I don't care if you don't care about who my family is - the point was that I would have no reason or purpose to disparage anyone for their religious belief or lack thereof

Next time you see your Psychiatrist - seriously ask him/her about Narcissistic Personality Disorder


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

And YOU are saying you are "low" 
I never said anything like that

And I wasn't berating - but addressing your post. Your perception of things seems rather weirdly skewed


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is your brother putting you center stage to ridicule you?


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> The point was
> 
> I never berated anyone for their religious beliefs. So, where you are coming from makes AGAIN - no sense
> 
> ...


I think you need to read up on substance abuse....I don't see why drinking a lot is substance abuse per se....


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Is your brother putting you center stage to ridicule you?


I believe so, yes, just to belittle me. maybe it's wrong to not accept being belittled, but then I don't see how I'm any more inherently interesting than others.....


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)




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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

eh? 

Sorry, but our prior interactions has soured my perception of you, even though this is just a website. If you think you can single me out based on your "absolute" subjective bias, so be it, lol..... Just don't accept me further to "adhere" to your advice.....

and reality is subjective, that's a basic fact. if it's subjective, then we can't really determine a right or wrong "perception".....:smthumbup:

And concerning that GP, meh...well such is life. but then if he has training and a "script" then he has to follow that script and not deviate. if he doesn't like me or how I am, i don't care.....not my problem or concern. if so, then it's him who get in trouble not me...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anyone, relative or not, who belittles you deserves what they get. That's their own insecurity showing. Trying to make themselves look/feel better at your expense. 

Of course, you could have spoken to him way before now and laid your cards on the table. Don't let these annoyances build up - dispatch them right quick.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I really think you've been here before with a different username.

I looked at your threads:

Simple solution to your lack of privacy would be moving out of your Mother's home and getting your own place.

Being Independent at 35 would do you a world of good. Supporting yourself would take the microscope off of you...your siblings would probably be more likely to think of you as an adult if you actually act and live like one.

I asked about substance abuse because you sound like you are using and could possibly be one of the reasons your family have put effort into asking about your well-being. Substance abuse includes alcohol abuse.

I personally could care less if you like to drink a lot all the time.
I can tell you that most counselors would not treat you when you are abusing alcohol or drugs as you can't think clearly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

naminagupta said:


> I believe so, yes, just to belittle me. maybe it's wrong to not accept being belittled, but then I don't see how I'm any more inherently interesting than others.....


What did your brother say that was belittling?


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> I really think you've been here before with a different username.
> 
> I looked at your threads:
> 
> ...


actually, i said for you not to respond. is there a reason you must? Absolutely?

So now you say privacy is not normal....OK, but then that's a baseless opinion, not fact...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social...m-opinions-thoughts-thread-2.html#post9280058

and you had said seemingly accepted your friend (presumably, hence the siding..) saying religion is nonsense (which can be deemed offensive in some contexts) and then saying lambasting me for saying "women are bad" which i didn't even mean to denote. 

so, OK, leave me be, and if you're so mature, you'll know people don't owe their time...


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What did your brother say that was belittling?


It was his intent. It's always his intent.

Sorry, but unlike you I don't think it's right to belittle others.....i think that's human.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

naminagupta said:


> I believe so, yes, just to belittle me. maybe it's wrong to not accept being belittled, but then I don't see how I'm any more inherently interesting than others.....





EleGirl said:


> What did your brother say that was belittling?





naminagupta said:


> It was his intent. It's always his intent.
> 
> Sorry, but unlike you I don't think it's right to belittle others.....i think that's human.


I asked what your brother said to belittle you. 

I did not say, or not I believe, that it’s ok right to belittle others. 

I’m not sure why you would say that to me.. and in doing so you have just belittled me.


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I asked what your brother said to belittle you.
> 
> I did not say, or not I believe, that it’s ok right to belittle others.
> 
> I’m not sure why you would say that to me.. and in doing so you have just belittled me.


Because when people usually ask that, it's their intent...

but then we all possess different moral systems, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

naminagupta said:


> Because when people usually ask that, it's their intent...
> 
> but then we all possess different moral systems, right?


I tend to ask questions to get more information and for no other reason.

You assigned a motive to me that was not mine, but that existed in your imagination.

Today you see to be here just to fight and not get input. So I'm leaving this thread. I don't play games.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This was your third chance, naminagupta. Find another playground. TAM is not for you.


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