# Why can I not move on when the man I loved destroyed my life?



## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Let me start from the beginning. I found out my husband was cheating in March of this year. At the time, I had just given up my Naval Career of 11 years (VERY GOOD ONE) for my husband. He wanted me to be a wife at home and to be honest I wanted it too. I wanted to run my business fully and have a family. And I did not like how the Navy made me feel anymore. But the main reason was for my Husband who I loved and still love very much but he put it to me straight that if I did not get out that we would divorce. Well in October of last year I decided it was him and my family I wanted so all my energies was to that. He was surprised at how attentive I was ie (calling him to run his bath water and asking him what he needed when he got home) but I thought this would be pleasing to him. Well more and more he seemed distant and argumentive and I asked him what was wrong he would never say just snapped. Even at christmas I had a idea to do the 12 days of christmas and gave him a card and gift every day to be his maid to let him know I was here for him in every way. That also did not work out well. So in March I found out that not only was he (also in the Navy) was cheating but it was in his direct chain. She was an E5 and he is an E6 (we sign pg13 to not do this) but they did it. When I found out, he told me he wanted to move out then. I said NO. To give us time to see so he decided he would do that but this chick kept calling him everyday. I asked him to stop but it was mute. Then one day we were to talk and I made dinner waited for him and it was getting late and I was worried something was wrong when I said I wonder if he is with her so I looked at our phone bills and got her number and reverse looked up her address. And sure enough he was over at her house. I told both of them that we are all active duty and do you know they could get in trouble but she says "i dont care" Two weeks later he moved out. This was in June. Since that time he kept telling me he was working things out but he was still seeing her.

I was having female issues and kept complianing about it but he seemed not to care. Eventually I went to a real doctor outside the navy and found out I have stage II cervical cancer. Devistated I told him and he did not want to move home to help me when he was going through something similiar I was there for him. Then I found out I was pregnant. But it gets even better, he blew his knee out and lied to me and his friends of when he had his surgery so this girl could be there with him. He even posted these on facebook. He had surgery and then he comes over to see me and then leaves and when he gets over there to her starts yelling like we are arguing. I get up and drive over there did not go to the door but blow up my husbands phone well not on her property and calls the cops. Never set foot on her property well she not only got me arrested but put a restraining order. I had to pay an attorney to represent me and they got dismissed because the judge saw the truth. But it gets better. In October of this year I separated from the Navy and they gave me 50k. My husband filed for separation on 6 Oct and I got out on the 14th. That monday I recieved my severance and it went in the wrong account. Before I could even get to it my husband started paying my bill all except for one and paid off 10k of his bills including his car and said I did not steal your money. He left me with 2800 for me to use from October until Christmas which I was broke and reserve pay just is minor compared to what I was making. I am devistated, broke and alone. My son who is my blessing is all I think about when I push myself to increase my bookkeeping business. My husband not only wants me to move out of the apartment which I do not have a job to get another one but will probably file for divorce this month and I barely have money to live. I had to fight for medical care and 1700 spousal which I can not all at the beginning of the month for rent because he thinks that is not a good reason. 

His best friend has help me put together with all the evidence i have to turn him in the Navy but I have been hesitant thinking it was a phase and that he would see where he is wrong. But nothing has changed. I am suppose to be bed ridden but can not because I have to think about my unborn son. He even has his mother telling me two wrongs don't make a right and I should have not quit my job. But if you love someone you want to do what you can to make them happy.

Everyone is telling me to turn him in and move on. But I think of my son and what will I say to him. But I am in so much pain and he is not her for me with my cancer and this difficult pregnancy that I want to make him pay for how ill he has treated me. He think he has done nothing wrong and that i am just acting like a victim. So now here i am broke with child and sick and I want to make him pay. But would I be wrong to punishing them both. This girl had the nerve to tell the judge in open court that he does not want to be with me anymore and this is right what he is doing.

I am trying not to be bitter but i can not help hurting. I have thought so many times since the disrespect to just run them over with my car and every time I see good he does something to piss me off. 

It is very hard to function. Now the tramp he left me for is over on campus in the same building I am finishing my masters. It is effecting me royally. I HATE HIM AND WISH THE WORSE ON HIM. She smiles at me and makes me feel worse. I cant let it go because he took a lot from me. The VA court system is sorry and they allow him to steal and did nothing. Now because I have cervical cancer which was complicated with him giving me a std. The Navy Reserve wants to kick me out and because of that I have to pay a third of the 50k they gave me which he spent. That makes me hate him more. I am miserable. What do I do?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Turn him in. Put him on Cheaterville.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Turn him into the Navy for adultery.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maybe it's your personal definition of "moving on"? You know it will be the start of something new and unfamiliar and particularly frightening and uncertain. 

Staying where you are at in your life is familiar and almost comfortable because you have handled things that haven't been quite right for years? This is just another in a long line of things you've learned to 'handle'. 

I think "moving on" can be defined in more than one way. I don't like the term because it seems to mean that you have to find another partner or you truly have not moved on. Who's definition is that? "Moving on" can mean just letting them go while suffering through the changes and difficulties of learning how to quit loving them, and relearning how to love yourself again.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Let me say this as an 8-year Navy vet and in Desert Storm...

The Navy needs to know what these two have been up to. Why? Because it is important to know what kind of character your enlisted leaders have. Whether or not they can be trusted in certain situations and for certain duties. For example, if either of them handles classified or secret documents, they may need to have their classifications changed. I worked with top secret clearance and infidelity would cause me to lose my clearance- but rightly so. You need to for the good of the Navy and others as well. No one is getting a BCD or anything but they may get mast and it will be a part of their record- as it should be.

Also, do report them both to Cheaterville. Not for revenge, but essentially for the reason stated above. IF they ever go out in the real world for work, a company needs to know the nature of the people they are hiring.

As to you, I have been there and I know how badly a betrayal hurts. So many of us here do. But you will get through this and there will be better times ahead. Let the hurting process take its course and bit by bit this will ease up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Let me say this as an 8-year Navy vet and in Desert Storm...
> 
> The Navy needs to know what these two have been up to. Why? Because it is important to know what kind of character your enlisted leaders have. Whether or not they can be trusted in certain situations and for certain duties. For example, if either of them handles classified or secret documents, they may need to have their classifications changed. I worked with top secret clearance and infidelity would cause me to lose my clearance- but rightly so. You need to for the good of the Navy and others as well. No one is getting a BCD or anything but they may get mast and it will be a part of their record- as it should be.
> 
> ...


Wow. If the Navy doesn't trust them to ever be open and honest after infidelity, what does that say about reconciliation and the unfaithful spouses ever being able to have a faithful committed relationship?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Wow. If the Navy doesn't trust them to ever be open and honest after infidelity, what does that say about reconciliation and the unfaithful spouses ever being able to have a faithful committed relationship?


Military studies regarding people who mishandle classified information show various characteristics. That's one reason to get into certain fields there are various tests. 

People who do things like marital betrayal are inherently untrustworthy and therefore entrusting them with sensitive documents is not wise. Now, that said, some marital betraying is understandable- such as a couple separated for a year or two but no finalized divorce... and there are no issues with their clearance. 

So it's a case by case situation.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

No, you are right. She is the reason we separated. This fool even posted pictures of the Navy Christmas Party with them in it. I did put him on cheaterville with Pictures of the Christmas party and the comments she made on Facebook. 

The Navy no longer considers adultery is a priority. Unless it effects the mission they do nothing about it. They are both ETs He is a ET1 she is a ET2 and I am a IC1.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Military studies regarding people who mishandle classified information show various characteristics. That's one reason to get into certain fields there are various tests.
> 
> People who do things like marital betrayal are inherently untrustworthy and therefore entrusting them with sensitive documents is not wise. Now, that said, some marital betraying is understandable- such as a couple separated for a year or two but no finalized divorce... and there are no issues with their clearance.
> 
> So it's a case by case situation.


You had me right up until this. It's a choice and my point was not about justifying infidelity. It was about the chances that someone who is unfaithful can not be easily trusted again, by anyone. One huge reason to be dishonest when meeting a new prospective partner. So, good luck to all. You will never know who you are really with. Thanks.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

This is very true. I would not ever trust him. Why would a the other woman trust this man after he did all of this unless she is dumb.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You had me right up until this. It's a choice and my point was not about justifying infidelity. It was about the chances that someone who is unfaithful can not be easily trusted again, by anyone. One huge reason to be dishonest when meeting a new prospective partner. So, good luck to all. You will never know who you are really with. Thanks.


2ntnuf, you got this wrong, I believe. You stopped underlining in the wrong part.


> Originally Posted by *thatbpguy* View Post
> Now, that said, some marital betraying is understandable- such as a couple separated for a year or two *but no finalized divorce*... and there are no issues with their clearance.
> 
> So it's a case by case situation.


If you add the "but not finalized divorce" you get he implied divorce is underway. It doesn't imply the relationship at hand started as affair either. 
I know people divorced for years, with new legit relationships on both parts, who never went though the legal issues for different reasons (insurance, health, finances, taxes) untile one of them decided to marry again). It's tecnically, legally adultery but not cheating.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Acabado said:


> 2ntnuf, you got this wrong, I believe. You stopped underlining in the wrong part. If you add the "but not finalized divorce" you get he implied divorce is underway. It doesn't imply the relationship at hand started as affair either.
> I know people divorced for years, with new legit relationships on both parts, who never went though the legal issues for different reasons (insurance, health, finances, taxes) untile one of them decided to marry again). It's tecnically, legally adultery but not cheating.


I did not get it wrong. We just differ in opinion. That is fine. I am not trying to put the guy down. I am stating that there are choices to be made. Once you start to say one thing is okay, then the boundaries start to fade. You may think differently. That is fine. I am not angry with anyone. Mostly just terribly disheartened and sad. I know what I stated is true. It doesn't matter if anyone believes me or not. I know that anyone who I might have a chance of a committed relationship with will never be able to be trusted with their answer to a question like, "Have you ever cheated in a committed relationship?" It's just fact that I or anyone would have to find proof and that would be impossible. That is where faith and trust come into the equation. Do I trust them? Do I have faith that I can jump ship without being in the middle of another nasty breakup? 

This ends up leading me to some other posts about having one or two on the side. I'm not saying I would ever do it. I am saying that I am starting to understand "why" they do it. 

Edit: Besides, I'm not talking about my ex-wife specifically here. She can try to make anyone believe whatever she wants, just as anyone else would do if confronted with a situation like this. 

You believe that she didn't cheat before the marriage ended. You believe as long as the two are not living together, they can sleep with whoever they want. What if I say the next day after she leaves is not cheating instead of a year later? What if I then said, "hey, we knew it was over after the first year or two?" Okay. Get out. Get a divorce. Fix any issues you may have before getting into another relationship. Do you see how it snowballs? Cheating is cheating. One who does this does not respect the vows or relationship. That's fine. It is their choice. I choose to think differently.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Also 2NT he left me over a year ago. first time we did not file taxes together he was doing nothing for me. This year I went to file and guess what he claimed me as a dependent and I am still waiting for my money and I filed FRAUD to the IRS. So not to defend him but he has a point about trust worthiness. Besides I am a Registered Tax preparer and the form asks if you have the permission to use the spouses exemption and he put yes. I do not know his number or anyway to contact him. But he lied on that too!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

FOH said:


> Also 2NT he left me over a year ago. first time we did not file taxes together he was doing nothing for me. This year I went to file and guess what he claimed me as a dependent and I am still waiting for my money and I filed FRAUD to the IRS. So not to defend him but he has a point about trust worthiness. Besides I am a Registered Tax preparer and the form asks if you have the permission to use the spouses exemption and he put yes. I do not know his number or anyway to contact him. But he lied on that too!


Yeah!!!! My sister had to do something similar. She was taking care of four kids at the time(not sure if there were four still at home or three). Anyway, she turned his butt in. OOPS sorry for your loss. Don't break the law.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Yeah!!!! My sister had to do something similar. She was taking care of four kids at the time(not sure if there were four still at home or three). Anyway, she turned his butt in. OOPS sorry for your loss. Don't break the law.


Thanks. I was just making the point about integrity. He has none. Do you believe in Karma? People tell me what comes around goes around but I do not see it. Okay he wanted to leave? Fine leave just leave my money and savings alone. I would have let him alone. He triggered my anger by stealing and then you live 7 minutes down the street and you buying privacy fences, and tinted windows and for 7 years you never mentioned it. WTF.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

FOH said:


> Thanks. I was just making the point about integrity. He has none. Do you believe in Karma? People tell me what comes around goes around but I do not see it. Okay he wanted to leave? Fine leave just leave my money and savings alone. I would have let him alone. He triggered my anger by stealing and then you live 7 minutes down the street and you buying privacy fences, and tinted windows and for 7 years you never mentioned it. WTF.


No. I do not believe in Karma. What goes around, does not always come around. People purposely make things come around. I do not think it was right for you to be treated poorly. I was glad to read you turned him in. I do think we all need to pay our dues. I have paid dearly for my past offenses. I believe that things must change and sometimes they do not change the way we would like. I do not understand why he would cover his windows and put up privacy fences. Something is a little strange there. 

The neighbor told me my ex and her brother were using an apartment down the street from me to have rendezvous. I don't know whether to believe it or not. I don't know why they would lie. I know her brother had a house he lived in and owned, a steady girlfriend whose home he frequented, this apartment that I could walk to from mine and a girlfriend on the side not too far from me. How do I know? He told me about that one. So why should I not believe the neighbor's story about my exwife? He was her closest sibling and she deeply confided in him. Did she suffer for it? No. Did I even have a clue? I asked her brother why he needed the apartment. I know that isn't the way to approach it. I had no time to get to know him and talk enough to hear much. I had no money for an investigator even though I was working as many hours as I could. The owners of the apartment would not say anything. That would be a conflict of interest. These are just a few of the things that were going on. 

I don't think the bus will even stop at her street. It doesn't matter much because I know the next guy better be damn smart and have money if he would want to even live with her. I can't imagine her ever changing. I can only change myself. It's just sad that I was so naive and ignorant that I believed in her with all my heart. 

Nope. No buses. Sorry.

Edit: I just read this over. I don't want you to think my ex and her brother were meeting together there. I was told my ex was meeting men there and I believe from little things I heard that he was using it to meet women. This is what I was told.


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