# I was the unfaithful one



## Needing Advice (Apr 15, 2009)

I can't believe I'm coming to an online forum, but I'm so ashamed and lost right now ... this is the only place I can think of coming to.

My husband and I have been together for 8 months, the beginning of our marriage was hard and he moved 1000 miles away and we've played the break up and get back together games. I was a complete wreck when he left, the stress left me hospitalized and broken. I invested all of myself into work and school so I didn't have to think of the shattered marriage that I couldn't be woman enough to keep together.

I called him everyday, I cried on the phone and told him how much I loved and missed him and my plan on moving to where he was. There were times what we were good ... but more times that we werent. Once we were through for over a month I ended up hanging out with a guy from work who was recently divorced. I know he completely played on my weakness and need to want someone in my life ... we nearly slept with each other but he had to go out of the country and it never got to that point.

Once he left, the FRIENDS i had at work used my being vulnerable to their advantage and I ended up sleeping with 2 guys from work. It was never anything emotional, it was a one time thing and I feel completely disgusted. I work in a young environment and over the past year and half that I've worked there I've never done anything like that.

My husband and I decided to try to make things work, 2 weeks after I slept with someone, and I went and got tested and everything came back clean. I came to where he lives and everything fell into place. I was there for a few days and I didn't have the heart to tell him i was with other ppl. He ended up raided my cell phone and email account and found everything he needed. He ended the relationship, called me a ****, got tested and saved all the emails and msgs and threatens to show his entire family unless I promise to never contact him again.

I know he is hurt and I know what I did was wrong. I've never slept around like that. I've always been so particular and careful ... i feel like such a dirty, filthy, worthless person. I know he has lost all trust for me and I just want to know what I can do to repair it. I know I have to build that trust up. I know it takes a big man to accept such stupidity from a woman. 

What can I do??


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow. I don't know what to say. The problem is that there was three men. 1 emotional affair, and 2 physical ONS. He sees you as a serial cheater. How long were you together b4 you were married?


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Kinda sounding as though you don't want to take complete responsibilty for what you did. I say that because you kept saying things like "he played on my weakness" and "used my being vulnerable to their advantage". First off, take complete responsibility. 

Next: You've only been married 8 months and all of these problems have occured during that time??? Maybe this marriage should just be finished and you should both just learn from it and move on??? I'm not trying to be rude....and I know this site is here for advise and help, but are there just too many problems in your relationship? And it takes him being willing...if he is not willing, there is nothing you can do aside from bettering yourself and hoping at some point he sees it and wants to be with you. Being desperate and begging will do nothing. Be kind and respectfull to him and see what happens. 

No children in the picture, right? What were the issues that caused you to seperate in the first place? What do you think you can do? How often do you talk? How long has it been since you told him about the other men?


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## Needing Advice (Apr 15, 2009)

I've taken full responsibility ... it's just hard to realize you've gone from a good person to a total ****. We were together 4 months before we married. I know it was quick but it felt right... everything was wonderful but he got scared and backed away. The fight that made him leave was me asking about getting our marriage license sent in so we could have my last name officially changed. He didnt want it yet. 

He found out about the other men yesterday. Like I said we were seperated and free to do as we wished. I made my bed, I did what I could to ensure he was safe as in std wise and I wasn't ready to tell him. I was ashamed of what I had done, saddened by what the end result would be and just scared. 

I'm in his home for another week and there are glimmers that he still loves me and wants something and I'm trying my hardest to prove my love, my apology, my everything.

He walked out on me in january ... I came home to an empty home. I've coped, I've held on and he has pushed me aside. He told me he was talking to people on dating websites. I just wanted to feel loved again and sadly I did it like all insecure, weak little girls do it. I can't turn back time ... but i want to make it right. I know we both made our mistakes and I did the worst part of it.


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## Needing Advice (Apr 15, 2009)

There are no kids yet and i know I should cut my loses ... but its hard to let go of someone you love and hurt. I've never cheated before, I've never been the cause of a break up.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Time to end it, he has told you contact and those emails go public.

Remember a cheated spouse is a vengeful one, trust me from personal experience.

Don't contact him, you never from him in 4 months, go et a 100$ no strings attached divorce and move on.

Your next relationship a whole lot smarter.

Bascially its over at this point.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I'm usually the one that says "you can work on it, fix it" etc..but even I agree here, time to end it.

With only 8 months you might even be able to get an annulment (sp?) and not have to go through a divorce.

You say you did your due dilligence to make sure he was safe and got tested...you do know that HIV can take up to 6 months after infection before an HIV test can detect it right?

It can take 2 weeks to 6 months after you are infected before a test can detect it, just depends on your body chemistry and really how "much" you got from the "infectee" on how long it takes to show up on a test.

I'm guessing you didn't wait 6 months and then get HIV tested, so in fact you didn't "make sure he was safe", even though you thought you did.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

"We were together 4 months before we married. I know it was quick but it felt right... everything was wonderful but he got scared and backed away. The fight that made him leave was me asking about getting our marriage license sent in so we could have my last name officially changed. He didnt want it yet."

If my brand new husband had done this to me, and changed his mind, or was wishy washy after we had Already gotten officially married... well, I'd have left him, and never looked back.

You two split up, and then you had sex with mulitiple people. I agree with the other posters... time to let him go. Give yourself a break... he started screwing with your mind and your emotions, right after you got married. Doesn't make what you did right. 

However , for him to marry you, and then tell you that he's not "sure" he wants to file the marriage certificate because he's not "sure" he wanted to marry you? What a phycho...

You're better of without him....

Let him go, and forgive yourself for cheating, if you can call it that. After all, he said he didn't want to be married to you... but I suppose he expected you to wait for him, forever?

Not excusing what you did, because at the very least, it was not good for you, or your health... mental or physical. But, he sounds like a total flake....

don't bother with him. Learn from this and move on...

Sorry about your hard times...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This marriage is over. I would seek an annulment if i were you.

And if having meaningless sex with coworkers make you feel bad, then stop doing it.

Seek out relationships that make you happy. Now that you know casual sex makes you feel bad, stop having it.

Take responsibility for your life.

You do realize that there is a difference between seduction and expression of affection?

Some people treat a separation as a mini-divorce, where they can act like a single person with no responsibilities.

Others treat it differently, as if you are still married with all the obligations that entails.


Too bad you two were not of the same mind on that.

In any event I think you ought to move on from this marriage.


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## Needing Advice (Apr 15, 2009)

revitalized husband: I did not have unprotected sex and I know the ppl I slept with very well. I'm 100% sure neither of them have HIV or AIDS. I didnt sleep with them without getting their paperwork first. I may have been stupid ... but I'm not dumb enough to put my life or his in danger.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You mean to tell us that you had enough foresight to ask for paperwork and you could not forsee the consequence of your actions. You should be commended for your thouruoughness when committing adultery. Gees, I now understand why your husband has drawn the line in the sand regarding not contacting him whatsoever. Did you sleep with these guys at the same time? or was there a break between the two men? How long between the two of them?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

needingadvice...

I think you need to move on, and there are several reasons why this is probably the best thing for you.

You have already said, that you and he got married, and then he just changed his mind, he left You, after you asked him if you guys could file your marriage certificate? That would have been the first clue, that he was not really in to the idea of marriage...

Then, while you are separated, and not speaking, and according to you both it's totally over, you sleep with a couple different men, when you knew it was not the right thing for you, your health, your mental state, or for your marriage, if it ever was going to work out.

Then, when you told him and were honest, he left again, and now He is looking at online dating sites....

It just seems to me like, he was not prepared for marriage, or to be committed, and neither were you..

I wouldn't waste one more second on this guy. I know you feel badly enough, for what you did with those other men, but don't. It's too late now to beat yourself up. Sh*t happens, and we move on....

Your husband is no better, he is the one who married you and then left you when you asked him if you could change your name... what kind of jerk does that? And then when he decides he wants you back... he's mad that you've been having sex? Don't make the mistake of thinking that this was a 20 year marriage where separation doesn't equate with still being married. That is a totally different situation. You were with this man briefly, he married you, dumped you out of the blue, and Actually expected you to be faithful to him? Why are you taking All the blame on yourself?

I am not saying sleeping with those men was right, or smart... but come on... you're currently separated from your hubby right now, and he's admitted to looking for women online.... he's just as bad as you were...

So, in light of all that, why not just cut ties, and move on to find someone that won't jack with your mind the second you get married and then go all self righteous when you move on, because he dumped you...

In let's be honest, what you two had, wasn't really a marriage. It happened so fast, he got wishy washy and left you high and dry... and then came back with a high and mighty moral chip on his shoulder.... and to his "shock" you had had sex with two men. Again, this was a bad idea... but, what about what he did to you? What he's doing to you right now? He's admitted to looking for women online.... let him look. And, don't ever think, that there is not the possibility that he was having sex with someone else Too, while you were apart.... Please stop beating yourself up, and saying you're trash, and such... it's just not so.... people make mistakes, and they move on...

Move on honey, neither you nor he, are right for each other. this is just what I think. I know in the end, you're gonna have to do what you feel is right for you. but that's my .02 ... I hope it helps.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Needing Advice said:


> revitalized husband: I did not have unprotected sex and I know the ppl I slept with very well. I'm 100% sure neither of them have HIV or AIDS. I didnt sleep with them without getting their paperwork first. I may have been stupid ... but I'm not dumb enough to put my life or his in danger.


If you didn't have unprotected sex then why the need to "get tested" like you said you did to make sure you weren't bringing anything back to your husband?

You can never be 100% sure someone doesn't have HIV, they could have slept with someone a week before you and got infected even though their last HIV test came back negative.

You really got their previous STD test results/paperwork from them before you slept with them? You are 1 in a million if you really did that, but that doesn't change the fact that there was still a chance they were infected.

A negative test just means the HIV levels are either 0 or undetectable at that time. Only possible way to know for sure is to get an HIV test, sleep with NO ONE for 6 months, and then get another test, if both come back negative then you are clear.

I guess technically you could skip the first test, just sleep with no one for 6 months and then get tested. Either way I highly doubt the 2 men hadn't had sex with anyone else for 6 months before their HIV test paperwork that they showed you, and even if they did I'm sure they probably had sex between that test and when they had sex with you.

All I'm getting at is that there is no 100% way to know they didn't have it. 

Oh, and condoms are not 100% either.

I'm not trying to "bash" you, just saying that there's no possible way to know 100% that someone doesn't have HIV, and you getting tested that soon after the affairs if you were infected, wouldn't show up at all yet. You would need tested again a few months down the road from the affair.

Edit: Again, please don't think I'm coming down on you, I am as surprised as Marina that your husband is that upset about it since you guys were "separated" at the time along with the fact that he was chatting up other women online. If I had to guess he's so mad/defensive to hide the fact that he probably slept with someone while you were separated too. If he keeps the focus on you, he doesn't have to admit what he did.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Real,

That is correct 99.1%, want to be one of the .90%.

Advise here, move on.

Its over.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

To be honest with you, if your husband had written his side on the forum and hadn't yet left you, I would have suggested to him that he should leave. There was 1 EA and 2 physical affairs. I think you are not ready to be in a committment and it sounds like he is completely finished with you. 

Having been the one cheated on, I can never tell you the pain that I feel EVERY SINGLE DAY. If I had been married to him for only 8 months, I would have walked out. But it was 23 years and 2 kids, I'm trying to work through it but the pain I feel daily is taking its toll. I too may need to cut my losses and leave him. 

So how can I tell you to fight for him? Maybe if you love him, you need to let him go. Get yourself straight. Figure out what went wrong, get that right so you can be successful in your next relationship. I'm sorry but I think you came here for honest answers...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Needing Advice said:


> I've taken full responsibility ... it's just hard to realize you've gone from a good person to a total ****.


You are not a bad person but you made some bad choices. However, you did some things right. You protected him by getting tested for STDs (gee my A****** husband never did that and he knew for a fact that OW was with someone else at same time she was with him) and you confessed to him, you didn't lie or keep it from him. You are taking responsibility mostly, but some things in your post still shows you blame him a little. There are never reasons to cheat and that include an emotional affair. You have taken steps in the right direction and you are not a bad person, just someone who made bad choices. 

Make it right. Change it now with or without him. Let him be, if it was meant to be he will come back to you. If you chase him, he will push you away. If he does not come back, you need to move on but by figuring out what went wrong and getting yourself together is the only way you can succeed in either this relationship or the next one. Good luck!


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## Needing Advice (Apr 15, 2009)

I thank everyone for their honest answer and questions. My husband and I sat down and talked ... granted he never cheated but he did try to "hook up" with other people. We both realized we rushed into the relationship and we want to try and see if we can build from here. He contacted me ... not vice versa.

In it for the duration, I appreciate your advice but you came off like a total jerk. I'm not a ****, no i did not sleep with them at the same time. The situations happened during January until the end of March. I did have enough sense to get the paperwork and provide mine. I'm sorry but std's are on the rise and if I'm gonna be dumb enough to sleep around ... i don't want to put myself or anyone in danger. I know I messed up but why would you be on an advice forum just to bash people???? Have you ever made a mistake? Have you ever been walked out on and emotionally turned upside down and you stupidly looked for love in all the wrong places. I know what I did was stupid and I know now I'm not all to blame ... but if someone comes to a forum for advice and puts their heart on the page you don't come back with such rude responses. Secondly, I feel like I cheated but the truth is ... I didn't! We were separated, we weren't together, he left ... was it stupid to do ... YES!!! If I were no longer in love with him and my state of mind was correct then I could have moved on. I know it hurt him in the end, but the person I truly care about hurting and disrespecting is myself. I've been with 5 ppl sexually my entire life. My high school boyfriend (fiance), my college boyfriend, my husband and these two men. I don't have a track record of being out there, but now I understand how these things can happen when you mix insecurity, with sexual frustration, a failing relationship and someone who puts you down continually. It has never been and never will be my husbands fault ... but it's my fault for allowing someone to do those things to me.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You can't see the emotion in or the inflection I asked the question with. The way you said it, it could have been construed as sleeping with both at the same time. Am I direct? Yes, can I be insulting? Other will here will tell you that I have helped people compose letters to their betrayed spouses. Others will get the same impression you have gotten. My statement about your thoroughness when committing adultery was unkind. and I apologize. There are people on these sites who have had very bad effects from cheaters. 

Also, if you recall you were going to reconcile, but you were doing it deceitfully, as you were more then content to NOT tell your husband. And it was only by chance he found out. When if you had come to him and confessed, he may have forgiven. But because you didn't, her would never know if you would lie and do it again. the cheating was wrong, but it was an act. Something that would end up in the past. Maybe it he could have forgiven you. Maybe not. But the lying is something that has future ramifications apart from only cheating. And though you say you weren't together, you were married. I do not know how your husband verbally abused you. But that was wrong. And you should not have to go through that.


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