# His help is my hell.



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

I love the my H wants to help me with things, but I'm finding it to be really hard to deal with the fact that when he does help it is in such a way that it takes over the project and suddenly, the project becomes his, OR he creates double the work for me. Allow me to explain:

This summer (in the Texas heat) I began demolishing our back wooden deck and building a new deck. I asked many times for H's help. He was always busy. This labor, done by myself, took weeks. I won't bore you, but I am 5'4'' and 110lbs. It wasn't easy. 

Then I dug and cemented in place 12 posts. At this point all the really hard work was finished. The fun part of framing the deck was about to start. 

I had drawn up a plan and told my H about it and hung it in the kitchen. My H saw the posts were cemented in, and while I was gone, started framing out the deck. Totally fine and great, if he had followed my plans. BUT, because he did not follow them he constructed the framing in a way where I was not strong enough to continue to help. WTF? So, the deck framing became his, and his stop-and-go work habit meant it took weeks to do this one step. 

That is one example of how my H steps in and makes projects his own by totally ignoring my requests/input.

The next example is how he creates twice the work for me:

I am an artist, I work a lot at home in a studio space. I currently have a show coming up and considered selling some handmade cards. This isn't what I like to do, sell commercial art, but my finances dictate I bring in some more money.

My H offered to help, GREAT! Cause time is running out. I put him to work cutting the finished images down to size to place on their card backing. I know he can handle this.

Later, I return to find his finger prints on all the images (what was on his hands???), and various other things done to the studio that instantly induce a massive headache. This all happened while I was working in the space next to him. Sigh. (I've tried to monitor him closely in the past, he freaks out, so I give him space).

I mention this to him, and he starts to pout, telling me, "I need more validation." All I can remember is chiming, "wow, how great it is to have you helping me, don't know how'd I'd do it without you by my side," all damned day. 

While I love him helping, he's really not capable of giving me the assistance I need, or even hearing gentle suggestions. 

So, here's where I need advice:
Anyone out there had to tell their partner, "Thanks for the offer to help, but no thanks,"? 

I know he wants to help, but even when I give him straight forward tasks I screw myself over.  

PS my H is super sensitive when I gently critique him, but at work has an unbreakable confidence. What gives?


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Pump dump pump 

Pump - I love it when you blah blah blah and that you so enthusiastically blah blah blah That touches my heart

Dump - The one thing I wish you could alter slightly is stop taking the lead away from me in your enthusiasm without getting upset with me for wanting to follow a detailed plan I have worked out for my projects because it gets so frustrating I strongly consiider whether I should turn down your offer to help 

Pump - I believe you mean well and I am hopeful we can figure out a way to enjoy working together on my projects together without the frustration or unplanned outcome different from my plans


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## razze (Nov 26, 2015)

It sounds like he has some form of learning disability.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am just amazed that you have it in you to build the deck and that he doesn't help till it suits him 

We have just paid $36k for decking, took 3 men over 3 weeks to build it and there was no demolition to be done beforehand. Jobs like this you either pay a professional to do or if as a couple you are capable then you do it *together*.

Sorry but there is something wrong with your husband, he doesn't care that his wife is out in the heat doing backbreaking work, what sort of a man would not help? Then when he does help you with the cards he ruins them, this is something bigger than what online randoms can help with, he needs professional help.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I have no advice, other than try a compliment sandwich with your h. But i wanted to ask how in the hell do you know how to build a deck on your house????!!!! WOW I am so impressed with you!!! Talk about girl power, You are fabulous!!!:grin2: even though we're both straight im tempted to ask you to marry me. You've got it going on, lady.:wink2:


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

razze said:


> It sounds like he has some form of learning disability.


Haha! Nope. He has 5 degrees. One is a PhD in Mechanical Engineering. Sigh


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> I have no advice, other than try a compliment sandwich with your h. But i wanted to ask how in the hell do you know how to build a deck on your house????!!!! WOW I am so impressed with you!!! Talk about girl power, You are fabulous!!!:grin2: even though we're both straight im tempted to ask you to marry me. You've got it going on, lady.:wink2:


 Thanks, you should see the rock retaining wall I built and cemented along the driveway. I'm a believer in girl power!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Maybe the wife is so good looking she's a distraction and he can't concentrate???? See this is all your fault.

Just sayin


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi lifecolorful Good luck it sounds like you have ur hands full. My suggestions would be First men always know better and have short cuts, if you give him directions do it down to the tiniest step. Second having 5 degrees he probably thinks he knows better than you so perhaps if you explain it is the "way" you want something done is the best way even if there is a better way. Third correct and complain loudly whenever he does something "wrong" but heap tons of praise when he does it the way you want it, this is the part most women forget. It is one thing to criticize someone for the bad they do but then you have to reward them for the good. Forth the super sensitive at home but bullitt proof at work is either an act or he feels safe enough to show that side. Remember to take it easy
Blaine


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm afraid I'd just refuse point blank to allow him to get involved in any of my personal projects - no matter how much help I needed.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Cosmos said:


> I'm afraid I'd just refuse point blank to allow him to get involved in any of my personal projects - no matter how much help I needed.


Maybe I will just direct him to the vacuum cleaner whenever he's feeling helpful. Not much he can mess up there?

Sheesh! I love him, but he makes me crazy!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just wait until he starts showing everyone the deck *he* built.

Some people have no imagination so they wait until a project is started and then they take over and claim credit.

Could he be jealous of your talents so he sabotages them? In the future, I'd opt for the vacuum cleaner.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

lifecolorful said:


> Maybe I will just direct him to the vacuum cleaner whenever he's feeling helpful. Not much he can mess up there?
> 
> Sheesh! I love him, but he makes me crazy!


Or encourage him to have his own projects? Ones that don't make too much mess and don't impact on yours?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

lifecolorful said:


> Thanks, you should see the rock retaining wall I built and cemented along the driveway. I'm a believer in girl power!


First off, you have my admiration.

With the deck - did you both agree you were going to do this together? If you'd discussed and agreed this was a project you were both going to share in, why did you keep working on it when he was too busy? Sure, maybe it wouldn't get done otherwise, but if something is meant to be a shared project why is he not helping or could there have been another time when he wasn't as busy to start it with you?

I feel harsh putting this back on you however if you want him to work on things with you, work it out between you ahead of time to do just that. If he doesn't commit to the project and you go ahead with it anyway, what does that communicate to him? Your actions make his in-actions acceptable. Also maybe he's used to you being more than capable by yourself and getting things done without him. 

Why did he ignore your plans and go ahead with his method. Was the intention to get it done while you were away from a good place? Were the plans discussed and agreed between you?

The cards, well, he's not demonstrating care. I don't know what that's about.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Holland said:


> We have just paid $36k for decking, took 3 men over 3 weeks to build it and there was no demolition to be done beforehand. Jobs like this you either pay a professional to do or if as a couple you are capable then you do it *together*.


I bet that is one sleek looking deck!


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

heartsbeating said:


> First off, you have my admiration.
> 
> With the deck - did you both agree you were going to do this together? If you'd discussed and agreed this was a project you were both going to share in, why did you keep working on it when he was too busy? Sure, maybe it wouldn't get done otherwise, but if something is meant to be a shared project why is he not helping or could there have been another time when he wasn't as busy to start it with you?
> 
> ...


I never solicit his help, anymore. If I start a project I know I'm in it on my own. I, of course, ask him about alterations to the house before hand, like, "Hey, want a new deck? Here's my design." When he does offer to help, up until this point, I was happy to include him, but have found that by doing so, I ended up screwing myself and my projects over. 

I resent his "help" because he takes over without discussing or creates double the work in the long run. Of course in my fantasy-la-la-land-imagination, my H comes in with a hammer and works right beside me and we make speedy progress. That has never happened. 

I don't want his help. The advice I need is, "Hey, when my h offers to help, how do I sweetly, gently turn him down?"

He often says, "We are a great team and get so much work done together!" - he's referencing the deck, the 2100 sqft floors I refinished, etc. Totally maddening, and funny in a longterm perspective. 

The alternative is I don't start any projects and nothing gets done. Well, I take that back, to be fair; If given an endless time scale, my H will complete a task he's committed himself to about 10% of the time.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

he needs to get his own interests. Good he is spending time with you but it's becoming his world. His comments to you are supposed to be meant as appreciative and supporting, to show that he values what you do, but he needs to find distance - but you need to keep him in your life too.

Try not to take on projects that are too big.

And yes, my father is like that I hate asking for help. Even so much as hold this wire while I tie of the other end I get told I'm doing everything wrong and he takes over, going right back to the start, deliberately not using materials I've bought or tying into next stage of projects.
My ex-partner whenever she helped would try to step back and manage me by give instructions from a distance.

Also some people are just really people people and like being around others. But if that's the case he'll really resent it if he feels you dump a project on him - I mention this people people thing because that's what I'm like with projects, if I'm alone with it, I have no interest in it; my interest is that others I care about are doing it. I also admit to being a bit of a dilettante with my skills, much like your husbands many areas of interest.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lifecolorful said:


> Haha! Nope. He has 5 degrees. One is a PhD in Mechanical Engineering. Sigh


What !!!! what?????

This sheds a different light on this don't you think?

55


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

lifecolorful said:


> I never solicit his help, anymore. If I start a project I know I'm in it on my own. I, of course, ask him about alterations to the house before hand, like, "Hey, want a new deck? Here's my design." When he does offer to help, up until this point, I was happy to include him, but have found that by doing so, I ended up screwing myself and my projects over.
> 
> I resent his "help" because he takes over without discussing or creates double the work in the long run. Of course in my fantasy-la-la-land-imagination, my H comes in with a hammer and works right beside me and we make speedy progress. That has never happened.
> 
> ...


With all his degrees, I would hope he makes enough that you can hire someone to do the things around the house that you want done.

For your art, I don't see how you can sugarcoat it very much. "I prefer to keep this project under my control" is the nicest way I can see putting it without outright lying.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This reminds me a lot of my H. He also has an engineering degree and a doctorate in physics.

At this stage - married 30+ years - I just let him take over the project if he wants to. He usually does a good job, even if he manages it differently from the way I would. If he wants to do it, though, he has to know that he won't have me as his helpmate. I'm going to move on to something else I need/want to do.

My H can be bad about cleaning up after himself, so I make it clear that I won't follow around behind him with a bucket.

(Once he noticed that I was cleaning out a closet, so he jumped in with great enthusiasm and reamed out every closet in the house. He left all of the things he wanted discarded/recycled outside of each closet and declared his work a success. The next day I took each pile and put it back in the respective closet. He never said a word. So it goes.)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> I bet that is one sleek looking deck!


Is a fabulous addition to the house HB heading into the hot weather it will make a big difference to our lifestyle and the cooling of the house. 
This weekend we built a beautiful herb garden on one side of the deck, not only could I not build this type of thing solo I really would not want too. I actually look forward to our weekends doing things together around the property.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> he needs to get his own interests. Good he is spending time with you but it's becoming his world. His comments to you are supposed to be meant as appreciative and supporting, to show that he values what you do, but he needs to find distance - but you need to keep him in your life too.
> 
> Try not to take on projects that are too big.
> 
> ...


My H is an introvert. He takes lots of alone time to recharge. 

I never "dump" projects. My moto is "Born alone, die alone." In other words, if I start something, I'm going to see it through no matter what. 

Lately, he's been saying he doesn't need friends, he just needs me. I think his increase in helping is a direct result. I love him, but I can't have a co-dependent spouse constantly insisting on interfering with my projects.

We do plenty of things together, and at points I do need help. BUT, I always design a project with my physical limitations in mind. Ie, I would not have been able to demo the deck the way he wanted. He used a big crow bar and barely got any boards loose. I used a circular saw and tossed small deck bits easily into the garbage. Work smarter, not harder!


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> he needs to get his own interests. Good he is spending time with you but it's becoming his world. His comments to you are supposed to be meant as appreciative and supporting, to show that he values what you do, but he needs to find distance - but you need to keep him in your life too.
> 
> Try not to take on projects that are too big.
> 
> ...


No project is too big. 

Well, except maybe when I tried to paint the second floor's wooden siding on the ladder, I was too short to reach the top! 

Point taken. :wink2:


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

ExiledBayStater said:


> With all his degrees, I would hope he makes enough that you can hire someone to do the things around the house that you want done.
> 
> For your art, I don't see how you can sugarcoat it very much. "I prefer to keep this project under my control" is the nicest way I can see putting it without outright lying.


All his degrees, and mine, amount to a lot of student debt. We can't hire people to do the work.

I wouldn't want to hire anyone to do the work. I have done carpentry and construction all my life. I can weld, build, do masonry, the list goes on. I feel more at home in a hardware store than a grocery store. I get a lot of joy out of designing and building. 

I refinished the 2100 sq ft wood floors in our 80 year old house. It did take me 1 month, but our lease overlapped, and I saved us at least $20,000. Not to mention I could use a product that most refinishing companies won't touch these days. People walk in and gasp, "the floors are amazing."

People often ask me if I workout or exercise. I always respond, "No, I'm a home owner." I get plenty of exercise doing my home improvements, and I can totally zen out cutting deck boards or mixing concrete. 

I the real reason I wanted to stop renting was so that I could start building. Plus, I don't trust strangers to do as quality work as I can. I love my house. I will make it last forever!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think it is a two way street. And there is probably a difference of opinion in regards to the term work smarter not harder. Having some experience in construction I can tell you that using a circular saw to demolish a deck is not the smartest way to do it. OTOH, if he has some knowledge of engineering, perhaps his method of framing is actually stronger that yours was. You being able to physically handle it is not the primary objective in framing a deck, rather is the framing able to physically handle the load it will be expected to carry is. 
It sounds like you are a tad bit sensitive on this issue. I understand completely though. My ex had nothing to add when I was trying to elicit her opinion before commencing a project, but damn did she have something to say once it was finished. 
I have my own business as well. I remember inviting her to help me as I was getting started. I had all of my "systems" in place but was just too busy to handle the back end of the business while trying to generate income by producing. All I needed from her was to do some basic research, set appointments, handle some light book keeping and answer the phone. I would have been able to produce 20 to 40% more income having this taken care of. Instead she attempted to take over the whole thing and ended up creating more work, making me less productive. In the end when she took a job outside of our home I was thrilled.
I guess I say all this just to suggest that you talk to your husband about YOUR concerns and feelings in a non accusatory way. Perhaps, "I had plans and specs all drawn up for the way I wanted to build the deck, I feel as though my input isn't valued"? Instead of "That isn't the way I wanted it done!"


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I think it is a two way street. And there is probably a difference of opinion in regards to the term work smarter not harder. Having some experience in construction I can tell you that using a circular saw to demolish a deck is not the smartest way to do it. OTOH, if he has some knowledge of engineering, perhaps his method of framing is actually stronger that yours was. You being able to physically handle it is not the primary objective in framing a deck, rather is the framing able to physically handle the load it will be expected to carry is.
> It sounds like you are a tad bit sensitive on this issue. I understand completely though. My ex had nothing to add when I was trying to elicit her opinion before commencing a project, but damn did she have something to say once it was finished.
> I have my own business as well. I remember inviting her to help me as I was getting started. I had all of my "systems" in place but was just too busy to handle the back end of the business while trying to generate income by producing. All I needed from her was to do some basic research, set appointments, handle some light book keeping and answer the phone. I would have been able to produce 20 to 40% more income having this taken care of. Instead she attempted to take over the whole thing and ended up creating more work, making me less productive. In the end when she took a job outside of our home I was thrilled.
> I guess I say all this just to suggest that you talk to your husband about YOUR concerns and feelings in a non accusatory way. Perhaps, "I had plans and specs all drawn up for the way I wanted to build the deck, I feel as though my input isn't valued"? Instead of "That isn't the way I wanted it done!"


Yes, his joists were stronger, but not by much from the original math on load bearing I calculated. That deck will mostly likely be our best bet in a fallout, "Quick, everybody, crawl under the deck for safety!"

I'm not sensitive on the matter, in fact it the husband who seems to get his feelings bruised. It seems to be role reversal!!! Ack!


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I think it is a two way street. And there is probably a difference of opinion in regards to the term work smarter not harder. Having some experience in construction I can tell you that using a circular saw to demolish a deck is not the smartest way to do it. OTOH, if he has some knowledge of engineering, perhaps his method of framing is actually stronger that yours was. You being able to physically handle it is not the primary objective in framing a deck, rather is the framing able to physically handle the load it will be expected to carry is.
> It sounds like you are a tad bit sensitive on this issue. I understand completely though. My ex had nothing to add when I was trying to elicit her opinion before commencing a project, but damn did she have something to say once it was finished.
> I have my own business as well. I remember inviting her to help me as I was getting started. I had all of my "systems" in place but was just too busy to handle the back end of the business while trying to generate income by producing. All I needed from her was to do some basic research, set appointments, handle some light book keeping and answer the phone. I would have been able to produce 20 to 40% more income having this taken care of. Instead she attempted to take over the whole thing and ended up creating more work, making me less productive. In the end when she took a job outside of our home I was thrilled.
> I guess I say all this just to suggest that you talk to your husband about YOUR concerns and feelings in a non accusatory way. Perhaps, "I had plans and specs all drawn up for the way I wanted to build the deck, I feel as though my input isn't valued"? Instead of "That isn't the way I wanted it done!"


I read your post and replied, but, it started to dawn on me that the assumptions you made others may read and think are accurate. Which would lead down some misdirected pathway. So, I've clarified and pointed out where the assumptions are in hopes of stating more clearly the dynamic that exists in my marriage. 

Sounds like your situation with your business and wife was frustrating. However, it's not what's going on in my marriage. 

Your reply makes many incorrect assumptions:

1) he has more knowledge on engineering. - not so when it comes to structural engineering
2) His framing was stronger - yes, but only by chance. You see he didn't do the math, he just started building.
a) his framing costs much more than mine. and only slightly increased the strength of my originally over-engineered design, which I could have finished quickly had he not stepped in.
b) His stop-and-go work style meant that the framing took weeks - he only had to place 5 boards. His joists sat out in the heat and rain, in the mud, the dogs peed on them everyday, and weeks went by. Even with me saying "hey, want help with those lag screws and joists?"
3) I'm sensitive. - not sure where this comes from, original posts states I am thankful towards him even when he's screwed me. He's the one that needs constant soothing. 
4) You imply I am accusatory. Just the opposite. I am grateful he wants to be involved, yet can't seem to get him involved in a way that is helpful. 
5) You say "using a circular saw is not the smartest way" - you did not see said deck and backyard. So, I think you're again making many assumptions and asserting yourself as an authority. Which, frankly, isn't helpful. 

Most importantly, my original post asked for advice on how to redirect my husband when wants to help in the future. - was not addressed

Idk. We all read into each others' posts with our own baggage. I'm guilty of the same. But, I have to be true to my situation.

I love my husband. He's brilliant and pushing the field of robotics. He's caring and does so many things right. But, he still makes me crazy when he swoops in and takes over.

Your post, which mostly stated assumptions, seemed to take over in a similar manner, and re-author my situation. So, I'm asserting myself here.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

lifecolorful said:


> I read your post and replied, but, it started to dawn on me that the assumptions you made others may read and think are accurate. Which would lead down some misdirected pathway. So, I've clarified and pointed out where the assumptions are in hopes of stating more clearly the dynamic that exists in my marriage.
> 
> Sounds like your situation with your business and wife was frustrating. However, it's not what's going on in my marriage.
> 
> ...


Generally speaking, assumptions are the foundation of most posts on an internet forum. I do not know you, nor do you know me. We can only assume some common level of knowledge or understanding. So I think you may be correct in your statement that you are a little sensitive. You might also re read my posts. In it you will see terms such as "perhaps", "I think", 'probably" and "I guess", all of which imply some degree of uncertainty.
The only thing I would state emphatically is that tearing a deck down with a circular saw is not the best way one could go about it. Even the use of a reciprocating saw with a demo blade would have been far more efficient. 
You might also consider that I did suggest that you talk to your husband about YOUR concerns in a way that is not accusatory but rather opens the door to a real discussion.
I do not claim to be an authority, but when you post on an internet forum, you should expect a wide range of responses, some of which may or may not directly relate to your intent in making the original post. Believe me had I been an authority my life would be far different than it is now.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Generally speaking, assumptions are the foundation of most posts on an internet forum. I do not know you, nor do you know me. We can only assume some common level of knowledge or understanding. So I think you may be correct in your statement that you are a little sensitive. You might also re read my posts. In it you will see terms such as "perhaps", "I think", 'probably" and "I guess", all of which imply some degree of uncertainty.
> The only thing I would state emphatically is that tearing a deck down with a circular saw is not the best way one could go about it. Even the use of a reciprocating saw with a demo blade would have been far more efficient.
> You might also consider that I did suggest that you talk to your husband about YOUR concerns in a way that is not accusatory but rather opens the door to a real discussion.
> I do not claim to be an authority, but when you post on an internet forum, you should expect a wide range of responses, some of which may or may not directly relate to your intent in making the original post. Believe me had I been an authority my life would be far different than it is now.


yes, you're right, people do post with a wide range of advice/personal experience. 
I was just clarifying the dynamic I'm dealing with. 
Also, I did use a reciprocating saw at points.  Circular saw was the way to go for most of the job.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

If you need your husbands help to do the project I would be up front about it and include him in the planning stages. Make sure you are both on board with doing the project.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

lifecolorful said:


> yes, you're right, people do post with a wide range of advice/personal experience.
> I was just clarifying the dynamic I'm dealing with.
> Also, I did use a reciprocating saw at points.  Circular saw was the way to go for most of the job.
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to reply.


No problem. Good luck!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

First never ever allow an engineer near a hammer or screwdriver let alone a power tool.

My ex in many ways was the same as your husband. Also in cases like your deck she started to stop saying we and saying I. This issue was never resolved. 

Out of the box question: how good as a couple of dancing as a couple. I this I mean a style more complex then a simple clinch and grap while color my world is playing?

If you don't know the song try listening to it.


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## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

lifecolorful said:


> Haha! Nope. He has 5 degrees. One is a PhD in Mechanical Engineering. Sigh


Lol I know someone who has Asberger's whose at Uni, and I've seen people with Down Syndrome at my local college. 

As for the situation with hubby he sounds very similar to my bf's dad. I don't know if it is some type of mental health issue but whatever it is it's damn annoying. The only things his missus can do is give him distractions and the occasional dose of tough love. Yeah, he's super sensitive and goes to sulk but whatever. At least she gets him out of her hair for a few hours.


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