# Married less than 2 months. Sad and depressed.



## diexpretty (Dec 15, 2009)

This is kind of a long story, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. My husband and I got married in October 09. He is in his early 30's and I am in my mid 20's. We have been together over 7 years. Throughout those 7 years we have had considerable problems, all of which we worked on to the best of our ability.

My husband has always had anger problems, he says they stemmed mostly from my anxiety, which I have been trying to get a grip on since I was a teenager. I've been to therapy, been on lots of meds, etc. and for a while he was physically and emotionally abusive. Those traits dwindled significantly throughout the years and now it's mostly that he suffers from a form of depression which he does not believe, although 2 different doctors have diagnosed him with anger and depression.

Ever since we got home from the honeymoon, things have been going downhill. He's constantly angry about something, and if it isn't anger that is making him upset, it's the lack of emotional comfort that is bothering me. Whenever I cry when we argue, he doesn't pay any attention to me. He'll leave the house for hours, come home and go right into the other room and shut the door. I always have to confront him to try and make things better.

The other day we went to the casino and he was playing the Craps table. When he was done, he gave me money to go play slots while he played. When I was done with the money, I came back and sat a few seats next to him and played with my phone while he was still playing and he got up a few minutes later and got angry and thought I was making him rush. And I really wasn't. There was a time a long time ago when I'd say "come on we have to go" etc. and make him feel rushed, but this time he lost $80 and said he felt rushed. He got angry and screamed and I felt like the biggest jerk although I really didn't do anything wrong. 

I feel like we are constantly going in circles. What is even more upsetting is that I am constantly bitter towards him, whether he is in a good mood or not. I constantly have a cold shoulder, I feel like I shouldn't be sweet or affectionate cause it won't matter the next day when he is yelling at me for something else I did wrong. I even told him one day that I felt terrible because not only does my job make me feel like I am constantly making mistakes, he does too, and he said "Maybe you do always make mistakes then." It ripped me to shreds.

What doesn't make even more sense is that our sex life is good. He wants to have sex 3 or more times a week, buy me sex toys, etc. but the next day we're arguing. There is no middle ground where we're 'getting along'. I am turned off to sex because I don't see how someone with this type of anger towards me when he gets angry would want to even have sex.

We saw a counselor for 8 weeks before our wedding, and she even concluded he has anger issues he needs to deal with. We decided not to see her after the wedding, but now I feel like we should, but feel like there is nothing left to salvage.

I have no idea where to turn, but I need some sort of advice.

Thanks.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear about all of this honey. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I wanted you to know that I care.

Did he grow up in a house where it was normal for his parents to fight constantly?? I ask because sadly my husband did, and some days I think fighting gets him in the mood ROFL. I know it sounds weird, but then when I think about it all the stress and everything from the fight, sex is a nice outlet ha ha ha. That COULD answer the question as to why he still wants sex. I tend to let all my stress out during sex also, so I guess it actually helps me sort things out. 

I see a big problem with him being told he has anger issues from multiple people and he still doesn't want to deal with it. Have you tried talking to him about an outlet for when he is feeling angry or stressed? Running, walking, working out, etc??


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## diexpretty (Dec 15, 2009)

DawnD said:


> I am so sorry to hear about all of this honey. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I wanted you to know that I care.
> 
> Did he grow up in a house where it was normal for his parents to fight constantly?? I ask because sadly my husband did, and some days I think fighting gets him in the mood ROFL. I know it sounds weird, but then when I think about it all the stress and everything from the fight, sex is a nice outlet ha ha ha. That COULD answer the question as to why he still wants sex. I tend to let all my stress out during sex also, so I guess it actually helps me sort things out.
> 
> I see a big problem with him being told he has anger issues from multiple people and he still doesn't want to deal with it. Have you tried talking to him about an outlet for when he is feeling angry or stressed? Running, walking, working out, etc??


Yes, he did grow up in a home where his parents were fighting constantly. His parents are still married, but his father almost bullies his mother to this day, even after 30 years of marriage. 

He doesn't want to have sex after we fight. It's usually 2 or 3 days later when things are ok. He says he doesn't like doing it right after we fight (obviously) but it's when we are doing ok that I don't want to anyway, because we'll end up arguing again soon after about something else. 

The counselor has told him that leaving the house is a good idea for him when we fight, so he is getting outside and blowing off steam. But I don't think it changes him any when he comes back in the house. He still seems distant and not willing to talk anything out. I feel like I am constantly the one trying to mend our relationship between eachother and I am wasting my breath in the process.


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## diexpretty (Dec 15, 2009)

...Anybody else?


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## Kessandra (Dec 4, 2009)

Hi there, I am sorry you are feeling bad. 

Reading your post it seems the two of you have had a dynamic going for a long time. Getting married is a sweet thing but you might want to acknowledge the wedding fun may have served as a band aid to smooth your relationship for awhile, what you have had for the last 7 years IS your relationship, not the last 2 months.

When I feel stuck like you seem to feel right now, I remind myself that I can only control ME, and my behavior. 

To start...I would suggest picking a part of your typical response to these fights and change it. Even if small, if you normally try to talk to him, or defend yourself, don't. 

I would think you both should continue MC. 

I know how disheartening it is to be married for such a short time and feel so bad. I'm in it myself trying to sort things out. My advice above is some of the things I am going to try.

Best, Kes


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I really feel for you in the position you are in at the moment. Its not fair and you dont deserve it at all. You sound like a very nice person. 
Kes made some very good points - you cannot change someone else, you can only change your reaction to them. You sound similar to me, in that when you get anxious about an arguement or a behaviour of his, your response is to try to talk to him and his response to that is to back away and get even more angry. You are only hurting yourself in this process. 
You really need to focus on changing your reaction to him. If he feels that he can get away with this behaviour he wont stop treating you like that. He has also watched his father treat his mother in the same way, and they are still married so why should it be any different for him? It will be different because you wont tolerate it! 
I know how much easier said than done this is, but you need to be strong and stand firm. Start small and slowly it will become easier. 

So next time he picks a fight with you or gets angry at you for something you havent done wrong, just walk away and say to him that you dont need to be spoken to like that and maybe you leave rather than him! Do you have some examples of things that he tells you you have done wrong? 

I know how hard this is to actually do but it will help you deal with things a little better. At the same time, concentrate on doing things that make you happy and start thinking about what you really want. You are still so young and have your entire life ahead of you. You deserve to be happy and if your relationship doesnt make you happy and you cant see it ever getting better then it doesnt look good...you only have one shot at life

Hang in there and be strong - think about number 1 - YOU!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Have you guys ever been to couple's counselling?

If not, you should probably go. it sounds like his expectations for what marriage should be like don't line up with yours very well, and if you don't get yourselves in better alignment you're both going to be unhappy for a long long time.

If he refuses to go, well, you're only two months in. Tell him "This is not the relationship I intended to have when we got married, and I"m not going to spend the next 50 years living like this. Either we fix or it we end it."

I know that probably sounds awful to you, but trust me: I stayed in an unhappy marriage much much longer than I should have, and neither one of us was happy. We shared years of misery because we were just a really bad match. It's not that she was a bad person, but we were a bad match. If you guys are having this much trouble only 2 months in, that's not good. Don't stick with this for 10 years and then wish you'd ended it back in 2009.

Either he changes how you are living or you leave: because just waiting around for decades hoping it'll get better means waiting around for decades while nothing gets better.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

I agree with artieb. Marriage is a great escape from everyday problems, but when the honeymoon is over, so is the escape. Most people try so hard in the beginning to make a marriage work. Don't waste your precious time - you will never get it back. My husband and I fought ALOT before we got married. I didn't get a wedding album because he thought there was something going on between me and our wedding photographer. We almost didn't get married. But we did, and 9 years later, we have 2 beautiful children, and he's accused me of another affair. So now our innocent girls witness the hell that is our marriage. I don't regret by any means having my children, but what now? I knew all along that my husband thought I was a cheater and a liar, but I too, hoped it would get better. And nearly a decade later, the same problems are back and now instead of just ending a relationship, we are forced with the reality of breaking up a family. Don't wait - if he won't work on his issues, then end it. Life is too short.....


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