# If Only I Could Have a Conversation With The World



## Fer Godsake (Jan 26, 2021)

I would be able to fix most marriages. Some people are insane and I can't fix those. But most aren't. It's not rocket science people.


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Wow, then you are truly the chosen one we've all been waiting for. All of the experts, all of the marriage retreats and therapist and books written, and all we needed was you all along. I'm glad you're here.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Wow, then you are truly the chosen one we've all been waiting for. All of the experts, all of the marriage retreats and therapist and books written, and all we needed was you all along. I'm glad you're here.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Fer Godsake said:


> I would be able to fix most marriages. Some people are insane and I can't fix those. But most aren't. It's not rocket science people.


I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels like that. _"You know that thing you do, that your partner keeps asking you not to do? Stop doing it." _How hard is that? (It's like the famous "stop it therapy" Bob Newhart sketch.)


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels like that. _"You know that thing you do, that your partner keeps asking you not to do? Stop doing it." _How hard is that? (It's like the famous "stop it therapy" Bob Newhart sketch.)


Monty Python's "How to Do It" sketch was about a show teaching you to do things like play the flute, with instruction consisting of "Blow in here and move your fingers across these holes".


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Fer Godsake said:


> I would be able to fix most marriages. Some people are insane and I can't fix those. But most aren't. It's not rocket science people.


This assumes that the problem in most marriages is a misunderstanding and not that people are assholes. Personally I think most of the problems in the world is because people are selfish assholes and want to be so. It's not because they don't know any better. They know better, they just don't care.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

sokillme said:


> This assumes that the problem in most marriages is a misunderstanding and not that people are assholes. Personally I think most of the problems in the world is because people are selfish assholes and want to be so. It's not because they don't know any better. They know better, they just don't care.


I think this is why MC fails so many times. MC is predicated on the assumption that the parties don't understand one another. If the MC can get them communicating, then they'll know and understand one another. And these new revelations will naturally and spontaneously lead to them doing better because they now have understanding. 

The reality is that lack of understanding is only the real problem in a certain percentage of marriages. Many people are actually just more selfish than they are clueless. In many cases, your partner _does_ understand. He or she _does know _that 'whatever that X is that is causing problems' is a problem, and they know why. All too often, however what your partner does not do, is _care_ enough about you and the marriage to want to change their own behavior. 

Many people in bad marriages, if asked, will tell you they'll do anything to fix their marriage. When what they really mean is that they'll _say_ anything. Doing? Well, maybe not so much. Particularly if they're the one who's doing most of the screwed up stuff that's wrecking the marriage.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

SpinyNorman said:


> Monty Python's "How to Do It" sketch was about a show teaching you to do things like play the flute, with instruction consisting of "Blow in here and move your fingers across these holes".


In my memory of it, Python were satirising "Blue Peter"


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How much do you charge?


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I think this is why MC fails so many times. MC is predicated on the assumption that the parties don't understand one another. If the MC can get them communicating, then they'll know and understand one another. And these new revelations will naturally and spontaneously lead to them doing better because they now have understanding.
> 
> The reality is that lack of understanding is only the real problem in a certain percentage of marriages. Many people are actually just more selfish than they are clueless. In many cases, your partner _does_ understand. He or she _does know _that 'whatever that X is that is causing problems' is a problem, and they know why. All too often, however what your partner does not do, is _care_ enough about you and the marriage to want to change their own behavior.


There is a lot of truth in this. A lot of people really don't care all that much about other people. Many marriage problems are because the two partners really don't like each other.

And also, they may not have realised that the thing they do, that makes their partner unhappy, then rebounds back on them and makes their own life less pleasant too. I know it sounds ridiculous, but at a gut level, people often don't connect that up. They attribute all of their partner's behaviour to "what their partner is like" and none of it to "what I do". So they keep on doing "X".


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels like that. _"You know that thing you do, that your partner keeps asking you not to do? Stop doing it." _How hard is that? (It's like the famous "stop it therapy" Bob Newhart sketch.)


I think some behaviors are that simple, e.g. "Stop calling her fat." Others are more complicated, e.g. "Be attracted like you were twenty years ago." While that might solve the problem, it's not straightforward to do.


----------

