# Is It Possible To Love Two People?



## confusedandsad (Dec 14, 2010)

Hello, new here, found this site and hope that I can get some good advice here. I am 29 years old and have been married for 7 years. My husband is 32. We do not have any children. Our marriage has been almost perfect; the only real issue we have had to deal with is infertility. We have been supportive of each other, we are attracted to each other, and we are best friends. I have been very happy with him and want to stay with him for the rest of my life. The problem is a mutual friend of ours. We have all been friends for a while, and my husband and I trust each other so we do not have any problems with having friends of the opposite sex. I have gone to do things with this friend before (like going running or horseback riding, things we both like to do), and our relationship has never been at all inappropriate. Over the past year and a half, though, I found myself having some uncomfortably strong feelings for him. At first I thought maybe it was just attraction or something, and I never did anything about it. In fact, I pulled back from the friendship and started only seeing him when we were all together as a group. I never really said anything to him about this. We ended up talking about things later, and he told me he thought it was a good idea if we do not go back to ever hanging out with just the two of us, because he realized that he also had inappropriate feelings for me. We also agreed that we should limit the amount of time we see each other even in a group, and we have done so. We have barely seen each other or spoken in over eight months. I reasoned that I cannot help the way I feel but I have control over my actions, and have done everything I can to do the right thing and never let our friendship cross the line. The problem is, I have been very sad about not seeing him and talking to him, and every time I see him it hurts. I think about him alot, and my feelings for him just seem to be getting stronger. I have tried everything I can think of to make this go away. I love my husband and I want to be with him, but I feel so guilty when I look at him. I feel like I was unfailthful to him in my heart, even if I was not in my actions. I wonder if anyone else has gone through this? I just want these unwelcome feelings to go away so I can get on with my marriage and my life, but I cannot shake the feeling that I want to be with my friend. I feel so disgusted with myself, and I am a mess inside, even though I hide it well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How do you think your husband would feel /react if you shared this truth with him? 

Not sure what others will say, but I think this could help you overcome it -to open up to your husband and tell him he is the one you love, are devoted too, want to spend the rest of your life with , BUT you have to tell him something troubling... that these uncomfortable feelings creeped up on you. As nothing has happened, it is not like you cheated on him or anything, although this WILL hurt him deeply. How do you feel about sharing this with him? I don't know if this is good advice (for you), just that if it was me, I know I would have to do this - -my husband is very understanding and HE would WANT to know, and help me through it. And I would need him more than ever to overcome. More time together, reviving the passion, whatever is needed. 

(I have not been in this circumstance ever though) 

Your story is a good illustration why , when married, we should not hang out ALONE with the opposite sex, even if we think they are "just friends". Opposite sex friends is a mixed bag of emotions. 

I have male friends but we have "boundaries". Me & my husband are one, we only get together at parties or have them over if we are together, I never do anything alone with them.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What makes this 'friend' more attractive than your husband?

What is, or isn't happening in your marriage?

If you do want to be faithful, than you take ownership of what is going on and try to address it as a couple. You tell your husband about these feelings.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

This is actually a philosophical question whose scope is really broader in this group. I emailed you privately because this IS outside the scope of a marriage group. But Deejo's post troubles me.

The fact that you have feelings for this other man does not automatically mean that there is a problem between you and your husband. It MAY. And it is important to look at that and be honest if that is the case. Is this man attractive to you because of something missing in your marriage that CAN be gotten from your marriage.

There is another school of belief (again not really related to marriage in the context generally accepted by this group) that one CAN love more than one person, that it is completely natural and normal. I mention this in case it is a red herring to look at what is wrong in your marriage. You may just be having feelings for two different people.

That said, it sounds like you are a traditional monogamist. Your actions are all you can really control. If I have foxes in the yard, I don't let the chickens out of their run. If it were me, I would explain to the friend that we need to stop seeing each other. Sounds like this guy is also your DH's friend. You are going to have to explain to DH. Maybe something like I am concerned about inappropriate feelings and think it is best to be conservative and not play with fire.

Best of luck to you.


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## confusedandsad (Dec 14, 2010)

I think that telling my husband is probably the right way to go. That is what I have been thinking, I guess I just wanted some additional input. I hate that it will hurt him, but I think he will understand and will appreciate my honesty. I dont think I would say my friend is more attractive to me than my husband... just different, I guess. I really have been having trouble figuring this out. It is not like I do not want my husband, or that I dont like being around him, so I cannot figure out why I feel this way. Even really looking at my marriage, I do not really see anything lacking. I do agree now that it really is not a good idea for married people (or people in a serious relationship) to go out alone with friends of the opposite sex! My husband is the most important person in the world to me; I do not have a good relationship with my family and his family is on the opposite coast, so it has always been like us against the world. I cannot stand the thought of losing him, but why is the thought of losing my friend so painful too? I want the three of us to be close like we used to, if that is ever possible again. I feel so terrible, I feel like I have ruined that for good. The hardest part is knowing that he has feelings for me too. I cannot help but sometimes wish we had met under different circumstances so we could have had a chance. I just do not know what to do!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I like to start trouble ...

Is it possible to love two people? Sure it is.

Is it acceptable or viable in the framework of a monogamous marriage? Hell, no.

It has exactly the effect that it is having on you. Guilt, self-loathing, anger, fear.

I'm watching my ex go through this very thing right now. Here is what I can tell you without a doubt:
trying to find a way to hang onto it means that you won't be happy with either man, or yourself.

By being honest with your husband you create possibility. The possibility that the both of you strengthen your marriage bond, or the possibility that you release each other and can pursue the other man, or whomever.

I don't envy your position, but I certainly do not mock it either.

From my perspective, accepting that this can happen out of the blue, with absolutely no rifts in an otherwise healthy marriage is utterly terrifying and demoralizing. I don't think you are evil, but I do find the circumstances sad.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I like to start trouble ...


No WAY do you get credit for starting it. That was ME! 


> Is it possible to love two people? Sure it is.
> 
> Is it acceptable or viable in the framework of a monogamous marriage? Hell, no.


I guess that is pretty much why I said it was outside the scope of the discussion. BUT I did want to caution her that being attracted to one did not NECESSARILY mean a problem with the other.



> By being honest with your husband you create possibility. The possibility that the both of you strengthen your marriage bond, or the possibility that you release each other and can pursue the other man, or whomever.


I am trying to understand this. Can someone be culpable for FEELINGS? Would someone "release" their spouse for admission of feelings where no wrong actions have occurred? That is baffling to me as it seems obvious that anyone can have feelings for another. Commitment is not about not feeling. It is about putting those feelings aside for the building of something bigger.



> From my perspective, accepting that this can happen out of the blue, with absolutely no rifts in an otherwise healthy marriage is utterly terrifying and demoralizing. I don't think you are evil, but I do find the circumstances sad.


To me it is completely normal and sensible. What one DOES with the feelings is the important thing. But in my worldview loving one does not lessen love for another one teeny tiny bit.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

C&S, I would have to commend you for stopping and thinking about what you are doing before you act. Too many spouses don't, and then the affair starts. Your husband may be upset about it if you tell him, but perhaps the two of you can work on ways to overcome these feelings. Eventually, if you really love your H, the feelings for the OM will subside. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else, and temptation is something we ALL have to contend with. I'm just glad that your thread didn't include the words: "Then I made a terrible mistake..."


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

You may have feelings for this other guy, but is it LOVE? maybe, maybe not. The fact is, our spouses can't fill us in every way that we need, and this other man may be hitting some of those spots - and that's not to say your husband is a bad man - it's just different, new, exciting. But if you want to stay with your husband then you need to stay away from this other man.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

You have been steadfast in your loyalty to your husband in this matter, to go and tell him how you feel will erase many of the efforts you have put forth.
It's very likely if you tell your husband what you said here he will take it to mean what some others can see...

How do you solve this? The same way you managed to bring your relationship with your husband down to an even keel when you knew you were madly in love with him:

Pretend for a week that your house is you and your friends "New Home" and get down to washing his dirty underwear everyday and cleaning up the toilet after him and his kids and watch him ogle a pretty woman as she walks by the house, and watch him track mud over the carpet while he asks if dinner is ready.

The infertility has me curious though, who side is the problem on?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Tell your husband.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

A woman, loving two men at the same time? Not in any meaningful sense. 

That is why these crush feelings for this man "friend" is so negatively affecting your relationship with your husband. 

You are spending thoughts and energy and emotionally connecting with the fantasy of being with this man "friend" and it is cutting off your emotional connection to your husband, which is only planting seeds of resentment driving a wedge between you and your husband.

You are comfortable with your husband, struggling with infertility, calling him "your best friend" (danger danger right there by the way).

Yet you two "trust" each other enough to pursue friendships with opposite sex. 

This is just a bad idea.

Even in the most wonderful and perfect marriages and relationships on earth, it is a bad idea. 

If and only if it has to be some friendship with opposite sex, it needs to be done ONLY with eyes wide open all around, and like SimplyAmorous has correctly stated, with firm boundries.

Otherwise crushes WILL happen. Take that to the bank.

It would be FAR better for you and your husband if he were honest enough to express his jealousy of you spending time with men "friends", instead of being so "trusting". 

Being too "trusting", that is boring! 

And worse, it comes across deep inside as your husband makes you feel as if he is apathetic, killing any sexual attraction you would be having to him. 

Combine this feeling of apathy you feel to your husband, with the feeling of excitement and sexual attraction of the crush with the man "friend", and this is the recipe for disaster and will only lead to affairs and misery.

Also I will say this for the benefit of anyone not already seeing this, a man confiding in a woman "friend" they "should not spend time together" and "avoid being alone together", because he has "feelings for her", that is old trick in the book to get into her pants.  

Far more appropriate and honorable for him to withdraw being alone with you on his own initiative, gracefully and subtley and WITHOUT bringing attention to his sexual attraction. 

As it stands right now, he practically rolling the red carpet out for an affair with you, all under the disguise of being forthcoming. DONT FALL FOR IT!

Just this, if you do decide you are not in love with your husband, and do decide to separate paths, then do the right thing, and end the marriage with honesty and integrity and with cards on the table BEFORE pursuing some relationship with some affair man.

Otherwise, realize your emotions are indeed a crush, like millions of other crushes in the world, and yes you are capable of feeling these "feelings that you haven't felt in years", and "feel like a woman again", etc etc etc. 

Don't be blinded by this "fog" of emotions! 

This is just the nature of crushes, and the nature of affairs, and why women and men time and time and time again can make tremendously bad decisions that WILL eventually rain misery and grief and betrayal and guilt on themselves and those they love, because in the beginning these feelings and emotions are so powerful!

My advice, tell your husband what is going on.

Tell him how you feel.

Inspire him to express his honest and masculine jealousy of you (and remind him that you as his woman are capable of attracting the attention of other men  ). 

He needs to express his desire for you, and stop being so "trusting."

And knock off the opposite sex "friends" nonsense, the both of you. 

Next time it can just as easily be your husband with some woman "friend".

All good men and women reading this, be jealous of each other, express this jealousy! It is honest and will stoke sexual attraction between you and your husband/wife, instead of stoking it with some affair man/woman.

I wish you well.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Is it possible to serve two bosses? Is it possible to serve two masters? Is it possible to stand on water with your feet in two different canoes? 

NO!!!

My husband can talk to women, but I have told him no female friends. He can't even joke much with other women. He can talk to them, that's it. 

I have safe boundaries for myself too. In my real life, I don't even have a second look at other men. On forums, I enjoy talking to men because I like deep and constructive conversation, but I respect them just as smart people, and I like it a lot that they respect me as a lady. If I can find female friends who can have the same kind of deep and constructive conversation, I am happy also. 

Never ever cause more problems for you happy marriage. I was talking to my husband today. I said, I like to prevent problems from happening, then I don't need to deal with them. We take many cautious steps so we can avoid a lot of problems in our lives. 

Don't over spend, so we don't get into debt. 

Don't eat too much junk food, so we don't become obese.

Be a loving and faithful wife, so we don't run into marital problems!!!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> A woman, loving two men at the same time? Not in any meaningful sense.


LOL! It happens all the time. Do a google search on polyamory.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

This conversation is particularly interesting to me. I understand exactly where you are coming from and feel that we are in a very similar situation. I made a post a couple of weeks ago about the same thing.
Unfortunately I dont have any solid advice for you. All I can share is my experience. Like you, I have not acted on my actions with the other man, I am faithful to my husband and I will not let my feelings for the other man get in the way of that. However unlike you, I am really struggling to cut contact with the other man. He makes me laugh in a way I havent in a long time, we share so many of the same interests, and for some reason he is all I think about at the moment. That combined with the fact that we work for the same company. People have commented on my posted and told me to cut contact with him, and I totally agree and understand that, I just dont know how to do it. 
I am in a slightly different situation, as I have had a very rough, heart breaking time in my marriage over the last 12 months, and it is still on the road to repair. So part of me wonders if I will ever be able to get over what we went through, forgive my husband and have a happy life together. 
I do believe it is possible to love 2 people, no one person can ever be everything you need (thats my opinion) but one of them can be more right for you. I know I have changed alot since I met my husband and I dont feel that we have changed together. All of this is very scary and I am at a complete loss on how to move forward with my life. All i know is i dont want to live with regret and I dont want to remain in an unhappy situation if I can avoid it. 
My question to you, is whether telling your husband is to ease your guilt? If so ask yourself what it will do to him? I do agree with talking to him and telling him that you dont feel completely fullfilled in some way or another and have a detailed conversation about how you can work through it together. But telling him will only make him feel bad and will not achieve anything for you. If you feel that you are completely committed to your husband and want more than anything to be in your marriage then focus on that and remove the friend from the equation, I dont see a need to upset your husband and offload your guilt on to him. 
I know how hard it is to feel what you are feeling now, I can sympathise with you. 
My thoughts are with you


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

OP?

Are you sure you aren't confusing love with infatuation???

I can't see how you could be in love with someone you have never been involved with, that why it sounds like more of the other. He is there, but not there, just out of reach, thus intensifying the desire to have him. He's unattainable, mysterious, all the other gushy things you read in the novels. You shouldn't of allowed youself to get this close to him. Guys/Girls can't do the one on one thing too often when one of them is married to other people. Its a recipe for disaster. Tell your husband, the guilt is eating you inside, and this will help you heal, or get beat up side the head by him over it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> In my real life, I don't even have a second look at other men.


Oh Greenpearl, you are better than I. I look. Sometimes give a double take even. Husband doesn't care at all, he understands it is that Cougar in me these days. He knows it just revs my engine for later. So long as I am a Faithful cougar, he is kosher with it. I feel the same about his checking out the hot beauty who walks past. 

Some are just too attractive to not give a double take. 

Absolutely LOVE everything Big Bad Wolf said about the Jealousy factor ! Husbands need to do that. Show that, express it. Always.


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## confusedandsad (Dec 14, 2010)

Wow! There are so many different opinions here. I like hearing all the different view points! Someone had mentioned the infertility issue. The problem is with me, and I do actually have a great deal of guilt about that, especially since my husband has always wanted children so badly. There are other options, but they are extremely costly and not realistic at this point. We are both still fairly young, though, so hopefully we can try something else in the future. And I cannot really describe exactly what it is about my friend that makes me feel this way. It is not exactly physical, since I think my husband is better looking! But being with him makes me so happy. I smile so much my face actually hurts, and I just have a good feeling from being with him. It has been so difficult for me to not spend time with him. And I really do not believe that he is trying to manipulate me into having an affair. He is a truly good person and I do not believe he would ever do that. Maybe we should not have told each other how we feel, but I do know that he 100% avoids being near me or alone with me if we happen to see each other in a group. I know also that he would want something more than an affair would give him, he is looking for a serious relationship and marriage. And the thing is, this has not made me enjoy my husband any less, we still have so much fun together, I love being with him, and still find him very attractive. I really cannot imagine not having my husband there with me every day. BUT, it has been so hurtful and I miss my friend so much. I would have thought it was just a simple crush, but it has gotten more intense over the past year, even with hardly seeing him for months!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The OM seems like a decent guy. A scumbag would have taken full advantage of your vulnerability and eased his way into your pants. But, like me, he doesn't want to be responsible for breaking up a M.
He may have had a personal, if even indirect, experience with this, and knows the red flags of a woman who is in danger of making a mistake.
Perhaps you should seek counseling, and find out the reasons why you are so infatuated with someone other than the great guy you describe your H to be.
I'm also going to take a stab in the dark here: perhaps you are subconciously thinking of being with a man for whom children would not be a high priority-then you would be "off the hook", so to speak?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh Greenpearl, you are better than I. I look. Sometimes give a double take even. Husband doesn't care at all, he understands it is that Cougar in me these days. He knows it just revs my engine for later. So long as I am a Faithful cougar, he is kosher with it. I feel the same about his checking out the hot beauty who walks past.
> 
> Some are just too attractive to not give a double take.
> 
> Absolutely LOVE everything Big Bad Wolf said about the Jealousy factor ! Husbands need to do that. Show that, express it. Always.


SA,

I like to check pretty women on the street, don't know why? Just find women to be more beautiful, I find a lot of women on the street beautiful. Beautiful bodies, beautiful skin, and pretty make up.


Hey, don't think I am a lesbian, I don't want to touch those women or let them touch me. My husband is thrilled with this idea though!

I think my husband is Caucasian, I am used to his face and body, I just don't find Asian men attractive to me anymore. 

I check out Caucasian men on the street, especially the ones with nice bodies.  Never had a second thought though!  

But most Caucasian men on the streets in Taiwan are not attractive, either heavy or sloppy! Don't know what I will see when I go to Canada!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Absolutely LOVE everything Big Bad Wolf said about the Jealousy factor ! Husbands need to do that. Show that, express it. Always.


I agree with that too. 

Sometimes I see some posts about unconditional love, no matter what you do and who you are, I accept the way you are, I feel that is apathy. 

If a man shows little interests in what his wife is doing, he gives little advice about her life, to me, it means he is not that interested in her or he is too afraid to correct her. That's not good. 

My husband trusts me a lot, he never had issues with me before I stared going to forums. You know, I have little interaction with men in my real life. But now, on forums, he sets boundaries for me, it makes me feel good, it shows that he cares about his little woman, he doesn't want his little woman to be led astray. I almost got myself into trouble because of my naivety. Now I understand men better, I know how to handle my situation better!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I had same situation and I told my husband. My husband didn't mind it and told me it's only my imagination because of the internet chatting. He said my EA is not cheating. 
But, your situation is he's a man both you and your husband know. I'm not very sure about your husband's reaction. I'm not able to shake off my feelings for the OM as well. I have tried all the possible ways, UNBELIEVABLE had just adviced me to re-train our brains and I'm working on it. I'm also working on my marriage to re-ignite the sparks with my husband. Our sexless marriage is now very sexual but there're still some difficulties as obstacles that I must try to remove them.
Anyway, took me 3 years to let go my EA. I contacted the OM, telling him clearly that I'm no longer interested in him, so he got mad and he walked away, which is what I need. I feel much better now because things are coming back on right track slowly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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