# Husand is frustrated with our sex life. Need advice.



## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

I've been stalking this forum for awhile now, but honestly have not been able to bring myself to post for fear of being shamed right out of the gate.

However, after getting a text from my husband this morning about how our lack of a sex life is "weighing on him" I decided I needed an outsiders... opinion/advice? 

Okay.. Been married a little over 2 years. Been together for almost 4 years (counting marriage). He moved in fast.. like 4 months after we started dating. During our engagement, we nearly "postponed" the wedding because he said he felt rushed, but when I suggested we slow down and postpone, he said no, he didn't want to do that. 

When we met, I drank... a good bit. It made me more uninhibited, and we had a good sex life. I had been engaged several years before him and ended up breaking the engagement because I got drunk and made out with someone else. Because drinking made me seem to want to make out with EVERYONE, and I really didn't want this screw this one up, I decided that I needed to stop drinking alcohol. It was a big, big change for me. I had no identity to hide behind anymore. 

After I stopped drinking the complaints started. I am almost painfully anxious to initiate sex. I am not sure why. As far as I know, I had nothing happen to me when I was younger. But we'd argue and argue about it. I suggested therapy and he was appalled and blew it off. 

After we got married, I got pregnant right away and we spent the first 9 months of our marriage with me pregnant. I was incredibly sick. We barely had sex. I didn't think it would happen that fast, but it did. 

Now here were are. I'm not sure what other information is needed. We have a toddler who still sleeps in our room. We are trying to get her sleeping on her own, but it's been proving difficult. He also gets up super early for work, so he's in bed by 7:30. I don't even get home until 6. I spend a lot of my time at night alone. We only get a baby sitter about every 3 weeks and that's when we seem to have sex. Some nights we can do it if he doesn't go to bed super early, but that's rare. 

I will assure you, there is no one else. I am not interested in anyone else, nor do I think that will "fix" anything. This has been a recurring theme for every one of my relationships. Do good in the beginning and then sex slows down. Every. Single. Time. I feel horrible, I want to do better, but I find it hard to act on. I feel silly, and cheesy, even though I KNOW that's what he wants. I worry about it more than he knows, but I just cannot seem to improve it. 

What can I do? I asked him if he wants to cheat and she says no. He wants me, but I don't want him. I guess it's not entirely untrue. I've never had a "primal" instinct for sex. I don't feel like I have to do it. So it's hard to try to force myself to feel that way. 

I'm just lost.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life, or mainly centered around sex?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It doesn't sound like you two even have any awake time available for sex, for starters. When does your husband want you to have sex with him? What time of day??


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Try this book from Amazon: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

If you realize it is a problem and want to do something about it it may help you work through some issues


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Firstly, get the child into their own bed. It will be tough for a week or two, but can be done.

Go to bed with your husband at 7:30 sometimes (when the toddler is down). Spend an hour with him before he goes to sleep. Then get up and do what you want if you don't want to live the same hours as he has to. I am guessing that is all he needs. A wife that puts some effort into spending alone time with him.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You've got several issues going on concurrently here, so it's going to take several approaches.

If the anxiety is something that's affecting you in your day-to-day life, that can be spilling over into your bedroom. If this is the case, I'd suggest seeing a doctor about it.

Having a toddler in the bedroom is NOT helping at all. It's rough getting them used to sleeping in their own bed, but it only gets harder the longer you drag it out. Give them an incentive to go to sleep in their room (story time, etc) that ONLY takes place if they go to bed in their room.

You and your husband need to spend more quality, non-sexual time together. The likelihood of manufacturing desire for a man you barely ever see is not great. 

Read up on Responsive Desire. Talk about it with your husband.

How does he initiate sex? Are you receptive when he does? He is likely remembering back when you used to initiate sex and wondering what happened, but it's also possible that since you used to initiate, he never honed his ability to be the main initiator.

Keep us posted!


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life, or mainly centered around sex?


I used too. I was on Paxil for awhile but hated the way it made me feel. I don't feel nearly as anxious now as I used too. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidisim and Hashimoto's after our daughter was born, but I am medicated for that.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It doesn't sound like you two even have any awake time available for sex, for starters. When does your husband want you to have sex with him? What time of day??


I really don't know. Honestly. I am alone in the morning. He is gone hours before I get up, and when I get home we are doing dinner, baths, and cleaning up. He goes to bed and I stay up. It's very rare that he stays up later than that.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

anonmd said:


> Try this book from Amazon: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
> 
> If you realize it is a problem and want to do something about it it may help you work through some issues


I will check this out, thank you.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

SadSamIAm said:


> Firstly, get the child into their own bed. It will be tough for a week or two, but can be done.
> 
> Go to bed with your husband at 7:30 sometimes (when the toddler is down). Spend an hour with him before he goes to sleep. Then get up and do what you want if you don't want to live the same hours as he has to. I am guessing that is all he needs. A wife that puts some effort into spending alone time with him.


I could do this, yes. First we need to get our daughter in her bed, and then this wouldn't be a problem.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> You've got several issues going on concurrently here, so it's going to take several approaches.
> 
> If the anxiety is something that's affecting you in your day-to-day life, that can be spilling over into your bedroom. If this is the case, I'd suggest seeing a doctor about it.
> 
> ...



He really doesn't initiate that well. Some times we be on the couch, once the child is asleep, and he has all the time in the world do something, but doesn't. As I said, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I have a really really hard time initiating, so we both end up just sitting there. 

Then he will wait until we go to bed and then start trying to fool around. Now, we are laying next to our child (she's in her own bed) and it's just awkward. I don't know why he waits when we have all the time before hand. I've asked him before, but he doesnt' really have an answer. I think we are both "shy" and he said he doesn't always want to be the one who starts it, and I get that. I just don't know how to change my weird fear of it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You don't necessarily have to get over your "weird fear of it" for things to have improvement. I think you're right about both of you being shy. It's difficult to initiate when you've got less than a 50% shot of being successful. It can be a stressful, fearful experience for either partner.

Try speaking with him in a non-sexual setting like over the breakfast table or in a restaurant and tell him in crystal clear terms that you DO want him to initiate, but in a different way. Having that conversation immediately after a failed initiation attempt while you're both lying there awkwardly next to your child is not going to help the message be received.

It sounds like your husband is getting gun-shy. Next comes resentment. This is a very stressful time in both of your lives, trying to find your groove again after a child. As long as you both work together and show each other understanding you can still come out on top.

Additionally--Hashimoto hypothyroidism can crush a libido, even if you're being treated. You may want to shop around for a sympathetic endocrinologist to help you out. There are a lot of reports I've seen of people having remarkable improvements when switching from synthroid to Armour. Some doctors resist this because it's harder to get a consistent dosage with Armour due to it's biological nature, but other doctors say that it's more bio-available and works better.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Just a thought. 

Light a candle. 

A few times a week make it a point of thinking to yourself whether you would be up for sex if hubby came on to you. If the answer is no, no problem. If the answer is yes, strike a match and light the candle. 

Then you don't need to step out of your comfort zone and actually initiate, if he is interested he has the green light.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> You don't necessarily have to get over your "weird fear of it" for things to have improvement. I think you're right about both of you being shy. It's difficult to initiate when you've got less than a 50% shot of being successful. It can be a stressful, fearful experience for either partner.
> 
> Try speaking with him in a non-sexual setting like over the breakfast table or in a restaurant and tell him in crystal clear terms that you DO want him to initiate, but in a different way. Having that conversation immediately after a failed initiation attempt while you're both lying there awkwardly next to your child is not going to help the message be received.
> 
> ...


We have had this discussion before! More than once. I tend to like someone who is confident, and sure of himself. Someone almost dominant. He just isn't that way, and never has been. I know that some of this is my fault, because he's now somewhat afraid to approach me, but that is what I need. I usually have no issues once things get going, it's just the start of the process. I don't sit around all day thinking about sex, so I am not instantly turned on. And to be honest, the foreplay is always the same. Its kind of boring, and predictable, and again, most of his is probably my fault, and I realize that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PrettyRibbon said:


> I could do this, yes. First we need to get our daughter in her bed, and then this wouldn't be a problem.


We had an issue with our first daughter and getting her to sleep in her own room/bed. My W would stay with her until she fell asleep. Usually about 15 minutes. She would reassure our daughter that once she fell asleep she would come in and check on her. And she did. It took about two weeks. But it worked.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Oh and Fozz, I am very happy with my Endo. I am on Tirosint and Cytomel, and the combination has been working very well. I started feeling a lot better since I started this combo. However, should I bring this up with her next time I go? That my sex drive is nil, and see if they have any thoughts? I didn't know if they could help with that sort of thing.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

PrettyRibbon said:


> Oh and Fozz, I am very happy with my Endo. I am on Tirosint and Cytomel, and the combination has been working very well. I started feeling a lot better since I started this combo. However, should I bring this up with her next time I go? That my sex drive is nil, and see if they have any thoughts? I didn't know if they could help with that sort of thing.


It doesn't hurt to bring it up, but if you're doing ok on your other meds, start with other stuff first. 

Would your husband be open to doing some reading?

As suggested earlier, "Come As You Are" might be a good read for your. Emily Nagoski is the author--very smart lady.

For your husband, try "Just F*ck Me" by Eve Kingsley, along with "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

My page is not letting me respond to people individually....

I will check out those books. I'm sure he'd do he reading if it meant any improvement. I'm not opposed either. 

and I love the candle idea, but I also really love candles, and burn them all the time. In case there ever is a time I just want to burn my candles, I don't want to set up for disappointment. Is there something else similar I can do? Same concept? or maybe a "certain" candle? Also, do I discuss this with him? so he knows to look for the candle? LOL


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

PrettyRibbon said:


> My page is not letting me respond to people individually....
> 
> I will check out those books. I'm sure he'd do he reading if it meant any improvement. I'm not opposed either.
> 
> and I love the candle idea, but I also really love candles, and burn them all the time. In case there ever is a time I just want to burn my candles, I don't want to set up for disappointment. Is there something else similar I can do? Same concept? or maybe a "certain" candle? Also, do I discuss this with him? so he knows to look for the candle? LOL


I've seen this done a lot of different ways. From having a bowl with a certain token in it set on top of the tv, to having one of those little server flags you see at some restaurants. And yes, let him know that it's a signal.

In fact, this could be a good way to get him to initiate in a certain way. Have a certain sign for "initiate", and maybe another one for "initiate HARD".


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

PrettyRibbon said:


> *I tend to like someone who is confident, and sure of himself.* Someone almost dominant. He just isn't that way, and never has been. I know that some of this is my fault, because *he's now somewhat afraid to approach me, but that is what I need.* I usually have no issues once things get going, it's just the start of the process. I don't sit around all day thinking about sex, so I am not instantly turned on. And to be honest, the foreplay is always the same. Its kind of boring, and predictable, and again, most of his is probably my fault, and I realize that.


Interesting. I feel that this is what's going on in my marriage.

My wife, like most women I imagine, prefer their men to be confident and sure of themselves in most/all aspects of their lives.

I was, especially post-divorce from the ex wife. I believe this was one of, if not the, main reason my wife was attracted to me back then.

Things changed. In both marriages they started the same, and in both marriages, I've lost my confidence, especially sexually, and for generally the same reasons.

Is it entirely your (or my wife or ex wifes) fault? No, not at all. I would say it's very 50/50. I AM a confident man, and every relationship I've ever been in, I've been that guy. In the two long-term ones I've had, my confidence eroded and diminished over time, ostensibly for the same reasons - rejection. It's almost as though, in both cases, I became a little over-confident, especially in regards to sex.

Of the people who have confidence to begin with, there are two kinds - those who allow others to take the piss out of them (ie. me) and those that don't.

I would put your husband in the first category.

The catch is that, although it's equally his fault for allowing this to happen, it's also yours for making it happen, know what I mean? I'm in the same boat over here.

It becomes an evil catch-22 cycle and a game of chicken - who's going to blink first?

In your case (as mine), either your husband has to regain (or fake) this confidence, which will in turn increase your libido and desire for him, or you have to work on doing the things that rebuild his confidence. Either way, you get the same result - a husband with confidence that you are attracted to.

Good on you for seeking some help with this. I've tried, and increased my own confidence with my wife, but so far it hasn't had much of an impact. She's happier and we don't fight about sex any more, but it's still not happening any more than it used to. I think she's right where she wants to be - having sex a few times a month on her terms and schedule, with me doing the initiation, and zero pressure on her part, with no fights in between.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I've seen this done a lot of different ways. From having a bowl with a certain token in it set on top of the tv, to having one of those little server flags you see at some restaurants. And yes, let him know that it's a signal.
> 
> In fact, this could be a good way to get him to initiate in a certain way. Have a certain sign for "initiate", and maybe another one for "initiate HARD".


I like this a lot. Thank you. I will discuss with him and give him a say in what he thinks the sign should be. That way he's sure what he's looking for. Maybe this will get the ball rolling and eventually we won't need it at a point down the road.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

alexm said:


> Interesting. I feel that this is what's going on in my marriage.
> 
> My wife, like most women I imagine, prefer their men to be confident and sure of themselves in most/all aspects of their lives.
> 
> ...


I agree it's not all on me, but I do know that I rarely initiate. I feel like I'm giving clear "signs" that yeah, I'm down with it, but he does not pick up on them at ALL. So some of it I his own cluelessness. The other night, I did turn out the lights and light a bunch of candles, trying to set the mood. It seemed to take him TWO HOURS to either figure it out, or work up the courage to go with it, I'm not sure which. I guess because we have sex so infrequently, he isn't reading into like that, which is my fault. I do want to fix it, which is why I'm here. I'm glad everyone has been really helpful, and not shaming/blaming me. That makes it a lot easier.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

PrettyRibbon said:


> He really doesn't initiate that well. Some times we be on the couch, once the child is asleep, and he has all the time in the world do something, but doesn't. As I said, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I have a really really hard time initiating, so we both end up just sitting there.
> 
> Then he will wait until we go to bed and then start trying to fool around. Now, we are laying next to our child (she's in her own bed) and it's just awkward. I don't know why he waits when we have all the time before hand. I've asked him before, but he doesnt' really have an answer. I think we are both "shy" and he said he doesn't always want to be the one who starts it, and I get that. I just don't know how to change my weird fear of it.


It could be that you are shy and maybe aren't that confident in yourself to please your H. I remember that my XH would tell me that he needed me to initiate sometimes (even though I preferred him to do it because I like a man in charge) because a man also needs to feel wanted and desired. 

The medicine that you are on that you mentioned, does that have any side affects that could cause your sexual desire to be depleted?


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Also - if you are bored with the foreplay, you need to tell him this. He can't read your mind and won't know unless you bring it up to him. There is nothing with exploring new adventures


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> It could be that you are shy and maybe aren't that confident in yourself to please your H. I remember that my XH would tell me that he needed me to initiate sometimes (even though I preferred him to do it because I like a man in charge) because a man also needs to feel wanted and desired.
> 
> The medicine that you are on that you mentioned, does that have any side affects that could cause your sexual desire to be depleted?


You are right, and he has told me that before. Still doesn't help me. It's such a mental block. I really wonder if therapy would do me any good? I'm going to try reading a few books and consciously working on it on my own first, but if doesn't help, that's my next step.

As far as I know, thyroid meds should not have anything to do with that, but I'm not sure 100%.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> Also - if you are bored with the foreplay, you need to tell him this. He can't read your mind and won't know unless you bring it up to him. There is nothing with exploring new adventures


Yep, I agree, and plan to bring it up in our next conversation. Like I said though, it's mostly my fault and I can't really complain. He is the one initiating and I guess he only have one or two ways of doing that.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

PrettyRibbon said:


> Yep, I agree, and plan to bring it up in our next conversation. Like I said though, it's mostly my fault and I can't really complain. He is the one initiating and I guess he only have one or two ways of doing that.


Let go of the self-blame. It is not "mostly" you're fault. Sex is not 50/50 initiation. The higher drive spouse who has the most disatisfaction with the frequency of sex is more responsible for initiation. Why are you taking all the blame for this? Your husband could take care of getting your daughter to sleep in her own room. He could make time for sex if he is so disatisfied. He can learn to pick up on your signals. He can learn to try new foreplay routines to get you interested. This shouldn't be all your effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> Let go of the self-blame. It is not "mostly" you're fault. Sex is not 50/50 initiation. The higher drive spouse who has the most disatisfaction with the frequency of sex is more responsible for initiation. Why are you taking all the blame for this? Your husband could take care of getting your daughter to sleep in her own room. He could make time for sex if he is so disatisfied. He can learn to pick up on your signals. He can learn to try new foreplay routines to get you interested. This shouldn't be all your effort.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Letting go of blame is a good idea. It gets you nowhere. However, it always takes on person or the other to get the ball rolling. A person can sit around waiting for the "correct" person to get the ball rolling--and perhaps wait a very long time--or they can get the ball rolling themself. 

One will make you a martyr, the other will get you laid.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Letting go of blame is a good idea. It gets you nowhere. However, it always takes on person or the other to get the ball rolling. A person can sit around waiting for the "correct" person to get the ball rolling--and perhaps wait a very long time--or they can get the ball rolling themself.
> 
> One will make you a martyr, the other will get you laid.


I'm not advising her to do nothing and wait for him. I'm pointing out why she needs to stop feeling so guilty like its all her fault. Her husband could do a lot of things differently, so no reason for her to keep saying everything is her responsibility. She needs to recognize his responsibility and acknowledge that he is putting little to no effort into their sex life. 

This doesn't mean she has to wait for him to realize it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Fozzy your advice here has been spot on.... Really great. OP definitely get into therapy, individual, marriage/ sex therapy. You are actually In a great place although it feels so bad. You are right were you need to be and in a great mindset to make the changes that you need and most importantly WANT. This forum is a great resource to help and support you both on this path but do not use it alone! You need therapy to really heal and come through this stronger and better. I think you will! Good luck!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

PrettyRibbon said:


> We have had this discussion before! More than once. I tend to like someone who is confident, and sure of himself. Someone almost dominant. He just isn't that way, and never has been. I know that some of this is my fault, because he's now somewhat afraid to approach me, but that is what I need.


Well then since by your own admission you caused this issue, you need to be the one who extends yourself and builds up his confidence.

Have the talk with him about what you need, and then take him in the manner you would like to be taken. Reassure him through your words and actions that providing what you request will yield the results he wants.

The worst thing you can do is to tell him what you want, and then he does it, and then you still don't come through. He will think you just want the validation of being wanted, or are playing games with him - with good reason.

Lastly, you don't need to lust for him to be with him. You just the mindset that you love him, you want him to be fulfilled, and you want to honor his fidelity to you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

PrettyRibbon said:


> I agree it's not all on me, but I do know that I rarely initiate. I feel like I'm giving clear "signs" that yeah, I'm down with it, but he does not pick up on them at ALL. So some of it I his own cluelessness. The other night, I did turn out the lights and light a bunch of candles, trying to set the mood. It seemed to take him TWO HOURS to either figure it out, or work up the courage to go with it, I'm not sure which. I guess because we have sex so infrequently, he isn't reading into like that, which is my fault. I do want to fix it, which is why I'm here. I'm glad everyone has been really helpful, and not shaming/blaming me. That makes it a lot easier.


My wife would say the same thing - I'm clueless, that I'm missing obvious signs. However her signs are not as clear as lighting candles...

The issue with that type of thing is that that is not initiation. What you're doing is telling your husband you are okay with him initiating. There's a big difference. My wife also does this, and TBH, it drives me a little batty sometimes and my passive-aggressive side comes out. (which is rare).

What your husband wants, and what I want, is for our wives to actually show sexual interest in us - not just a "wink wink, I'm ready" vibe.

To us, that doesn't show any interest. That shows that you're ready and willing for sex, not that you WANT sex, or NEED sex, or better - want US or need US.

What it screams to us is that you're throwing us a bone, and nothing more. That doesn't make us feel very desired.

It's especially difficult when we are, or have been, constantly rejected. The person in those shoes, whether you like it or not, requires an actual effort on the others part, not just a "Monday, shot down. Tuesday, shot down. Wednesday, went to bed early. Thursday, rain check. Etc." Then Friday night, you light some candles and wait for us to make the first move. The same thing we've perhaps done over and over again with little to no success.

And that's where, unfortunately, my wife and I are at, and it appears you and your husband as well.

Your husband, like me, probably wants you to show him some actual physical, sexual interest and desire. We don't "do" candles and soft music. That stuff is for you, and we'll gladly go along with it for your sake.

So what you've done is this - you've maintained the sexual relationship on YOUR terms. Despite your honest intentions to fix things, you're still going about it the way YOU want it. Soft lighting and candles is for you. Using those as a way to indicate you are available shows him only that - that you are available. HE still has to do the initiating.

Maybe HE wants to be taken.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you understand fully what sexual fulfillment means to your man ? That is something you should reasearch. Your view of sex and his view of sex are two totally different things. It is your job to fulfill your husbands needs and it is his job to fulfill your needs.

You have to remove all blockers from being able to meet each other's needs. A child sleeping with you? Well, if it is ruining your marriage how can this possibly be good for the child? Why are you hurting your child by allowing her to harm the marriage that child so depends upon?

Schedules. Why can't you line up with his schedule? 

Your hangups - yes that's a therapy issue.

It's really your jobs as husband and wife to each other to prioritize meeting each other's emotional needs as higher than most other things you do. But if you look at where youa re spending your personal time and energy, it's probably Kid, Housework, Job and then meeting your husband's needs low down on that list. Both of you have to move each other to the tops of your lists (yes above kids).


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Agree with Hicks. Single most important thing you can do to help your kid is to make sure the kid's parents are happily married to each other. Kids can much more easily survive dirty diapers and dirty clothes and fast food dinners than divorce. So if you devote all your time and energy to your kid because they "need" you and short-change your husband, you will end up short-changing your kid as well. Oh, and the timing works against you too. When they are grown the kid will have no memory of clean diapers or all the time you spent washing their baby clothes. But they will sure as heck remember the day that dad walked out the door.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

PrettyRibbon said:


> So some of it I his own cluelessness. The other night, I did turn out the lights and light a bunch of candles, trying to set the mood. It seemed to take him TWO HOURS to either figure it out, or work up the courage to go with it, I'm not sure which.


Wait. Didn't you just say a little ways back in this thread that you like to light your candles just for effect and you were concerned if you used those as a signal you'd have to deal with unwanted advances?

Don't you think he knows this? How is he supposed to know which mood you are in if you send a signal you know is ambiguous?

Sorry, but this incident is 100% on you. You need take him regularly over a period of time (not just a few days or a week) and (1) build up his confidence and (2) demonstrate what works for you.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Cecezakat said:


> Let go of the self-blame. It is not "mostly" you're fault. Sex is not 50/50 initiation. The higher drive spouse who has the most disatisfaction with the frequency of sex is more responsible for initiation. Why are you taking all the blame for this? Your husband could take care of getting your daughter to sleep in her own room. He could make time for sex if he is so disatisfied. He can learn to pick up on your signals. He can learn to try new foreplay routines to get you interested. This shouldn't be all your effort.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel this way too, but in a way he kind of makes it all seem like my fault, so I just assumed it WAS all my fault. I asked him last night when HE thinks we even have any time to have sex. I asked him if he could stay up later in the evenings and he basically said no. I said "well you need to decide what you want more..sex, or to go to sleep" and that seemed to hit a button, so we'll see.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

DTO said:


> Wait. Didn't you just say a little ways back in this thread that you like to light your candles just for effect and you were concerned if you used those as a signal you'd have to deal with unwanted advances?
> 
> Don't you think he knows this? How is he supposed to know which mood you are in if you send a signal you know is ambiguous?
> 
> Sorry, but this incident is 100% on you. You need take him regularly over a period of time (not just a few days or a week) and (1) build up his confidence and (2) demonstrate what works for you.


yes, this was on me, but this was also before any conversation or before I came here and wrote this out. I wasn't DOING it as a signal. It was just something I did that night and coincidentally we had sex. I don't want to settle on the candles, and agree with the PP that is only telling him he's good to go, which is what I NEED to be doing. I just needed to clear this up. This event was 2 weeks ago.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

alexm said:


> My wife would say the same thing - I'm clueless, that I'm missing obvious signs. However her signs are not as clear as lighting candles...
> 
> The issue with that type of thing is that that is not initiation. What you're doing is telling your husband you are okay with him initiating. There's a big difference. My wife also does this, and TBH, it drives me a little batty sometimes and my passive-aggressive side comes out. (which is rare).
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right. This did not occur to me. I need to do better, but I obviously have some sort of issue with stepping up and saying "TAKE ME!!" and I don't know why. Trust me. I wish it were that easy. I thought this approach would help me, but I can see how this isn't going to help him much. Thank you.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Why not try saying nothing and just getting on your knees, unzipping his pants and start the action going?
Its time to put your "feelings" to the side and give him what he needs and wants.

I may get lots of flack here but IMHO this is YOUR fault. You have to fix it. Period.

And the best part is... its EASY TO DO. you just have to DO SOMETHING.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

PrettyRibbon said:


> You are absolutely right. This did not occur to me. I need to do better, but I obviously have some sort of issue with stepping up and saying "TAKE ME!!" and I don't know why. Trust me. I wish it were that easy. I thought this approach would help me, but I can see how this isn't going to help him much. Thank you.


Don't be so sure.

I still think your best course of action is have a grown-up, sit-down talk about all this with him in a non-sexual setting. If you present it to him that you DO want to have sex, but you need help due to your anxiety--I'm betting he'll step up. Once he does step up and sees success, it'll snowball from there.


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## PrettyRibbon (Jul 17, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Don't be so sure.
> 
> I still think your best course of action is have a grown-up, sit-down talk about all this with him in a non-sexual setting. If you present it to him that you DO want to have sex, but you need help due to your anxiety--I'm betting he'll step up. Once he does step up and sees success, it'll snowball from there.


We did have a talk last night. I told him how it is for me and he knows because we've obviously have this conversation before. He said he's tired if he stays up later, and I told him I don't know what to do about that and that he has to try since it's the only time we have. I only get to see my daughter for about 2.5 hours a day. I want to see her as well when I come home. I'm not sending her to bed early, and 7-7:30 isn't that late. Hell, he doesn't have to stay up super long...

I told him that sometimes it's boring, and the same old thing. He agrees. We agreed on a lot of things, so now it's just time to fix it. When he stays up after our daughter goes to bed, I will have a chance to work on this.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm posting from work right now, and I'm pretty tired. Care to guess why?

No regrets.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Some people have said its your responsibility to build up his confidence. Have you considered his responsibility to quash your anxiety? He could just as easily go to therapy to increase his confidence and learn to just take you, as much as you could go to therapy to deal with your anxiety. Or one of you can help the other with their issue, his lack of confidence and your anxiety. I don't believe you caused this by your anxiety and rejection any more than he caused it by his low confidence and being so easily discouraged.

Im a very anxious woman myself. I have a horrible body image and very low self esteem. We have a toddler too. But my husband is confident and has never been discouraged or hurt by my "rejections". We have sex everyday (outside of my pregnancy), several times a week during pregnancy. You want to know what my husband has heard me say to him, but didn't get all hurt by? 

"Im tired, Im not feeling good, it will take too long, what if our son hears, what if our relative hears, what if the neighbor hears, Im not in the mood, I dont want to get dirty, I dont want to have to shower again, I look ugly right now, my hair is a mess, it's too hot, I feel fat....." 

He's heard just about every excuse and worry. He never takes it personally. He tells me not to worry and that he will do all the work, meaning getting a fan, or getting our son asleep or occupied, and warming me up. Because of his efforts I mostly end up in the mood after 10-20 minutes of his attention. If its an issue of me being in pain then he takes care of himself while cuddling me. And being in pain happens rarely. And there is nothing like a good release that makes him pass out into a deep sleep. 

My point is, being an anxious wife does not equal a rejected husband and destroyed sex life. How the husband responds to his anxious wife also matters. It takes two to make a sex life low priority and neglected. Your husband has a problem taking your anxiety too personally and he does nothing to make you more interested (spicing up foreplay). 

This is not all your fault. He shares a lot of responsibility. But you might be the only one willing to change, go to therapy and work on it. Give yourself credit for that because your husband doesn't seem to want to work at it. I congratulate you for trying to fix your sex life. Just don't swallow yourself up in guilt. Therapy will help you with that issue. Therapy would benefit him too because he shouldn't be depending on your initiations to bolster his confidence and make him feel wanted. A woman not initiating a whole lot doesn't mean she doesn't want or desire her husband. His confidence needs to come from inside himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> Some people have said its your responsibility to build up his confidence. Have you considered his responsibility to quash your anxiety? He could just as easily go to therapy to increase his confidence and learn to just take you, as much as you could go to therapy to deal with your anxiety. Or one of you can help the other with their issue, his lack of confidence and your anxiety. I don't believe you caused this by your anxiety and rejection any more than he caused it by his low confidence and being so easily discouraged.
> 
> Im a very anxious woman myself. I have a horrible body image and very low self esteem. We have a toddler too. But my husband is confident and has never been discouraged or hurt by my "rejections". We have sex everyday (outside of my pregnancy), several times a week during pregnancy. You want to know what my husband has heard me say to him, but didn't get all hurt by?
> 
> ...


I'll admit, this post gives me mixed feelings, as a guy who's been in a sexless marriage. I do agree that he can take up some of the slack here, but I think it needs to be a joint effort, and you can't always demand that a guy simply turns off his feelings of being rejected.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> I'll admit, this post gives me mixed feelings, as a guy who's been in a sexless marriage. I do agree that he can take up some of the slack here, but I think it needs to be a joint effort, and you can't always demand that a guy simply turns off his feelings of being rejected.


I think either one of them can do the work to get it back on track or it can be a joint effort. Im not saying a guy has to turn off feelings of rejection. Some men have internal confidence and don't take everything so personally. My husband knows my anxiety is my problem and has nothing to do with my desire for him. He is confident in his ability to turn me on no matter how long it takes. And even the times I couldn't get turned on he still didnt take it personally. 

My point is only that she shouldn't feel so guilty about this situation. Her husband and other posters are telling her yes it is your fault, you caused this dynamic. She needs look at his contributions and what he really could be doing different to fix it. 

There is assumption here if a wife has anxiety and makes excuses not to have sex then it causes a man to be hurt. I don't view it that way. If a man relies on external sources to get his confidence then he can be so easily hurt. Of course a woman who allows you to sleep with her does want you and desire you. Not initiating often doesn't mean anything else, her anxiety doesn't mean anything else other than she has anxiety. If a woman tells her husband in direct words that she doesn't want him then he cannot ignore feelings of hurt and rejection because she actually IS rejecting him. Making excuses and rejection are not the same thing. 

I dont see why its so easy to blame a woman for having excuses but its not okay to blame a man for low confidence and giving up too easily. Just one of them needs to make changes to get their sex life back. If the OP recognizes that then hopefully she can stop feeling so at fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> Because of his efforts I mostly end up in the mood after 10-20 minutes of his attention. If its an issue of me being in pain then he takes care of himself while cuddling me. And being in pain happens rarely. And there is nothing like a good release that makes him pass out into a deep sleep.


To me these are crucial factors in your H not getting discouraged. Mostly you end up in the mood if he addresses your complaint. And even when you don't, you are fine and dandy with him taking care of himself while you cuddle with him. Not surprising that a guy who gets treated this well is able to keep up his confidence in the face of rejection.

I get the feeling that the OP's husband could address each and every excuse and still not end up with a spouse who mostly gets in the mood. And I get the feeling that the OP would not be cool with her H taking care of himself in the bed right next to her, much less cuddle him while he did it. Happy to find I am wrong.

Agree that the man has a responsibility to self-soothe. But the wife also has to understand that if excuses are endless and if she responds to him helping himself with something like "what the heck are you doing? Don't you dare do that in our bed! Grow up. Can't you control yourself? If you must do it, do it somewhere else," well, then she shouldn't be surprised if her H ends up discouraged and stops initiating sex with her.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Holdingontoit said:


> To me these are crucial factors in your H not getting discouraged. Mostly you end up in the mood if he addresses your complaint. And even when you don't, you are fine and dandy with him taking care of himself while you cuddle with him. Not surprising that a guy who gets treated this well is able to keep up his confidence in the face of rejection.
> 
> I get the feeling that the OP's husband could address each and every excuse and still not end up with a spouse who mostly gets in the mood. And I get the feeling that the OP would not be cool with her H taking care of himself in the bed right next to her, much less cuddle him while he did it. Happy to find I am wrong.
> 
> Agree that the man has a responsibility to self-soothe. But the wife also has to understand that if excuses are endless and if she responds to him helping himself with something like "what the heck are you doing? Don't you dare do that in our bed! Grow up. Can't you control yourself? If you must do it, do it somewhere else," well, then she shouldn't be surprised if her H ends up discouraged and stops initiating sex with her.


We have both rejected each other's offers for sex but neither of us interprets it as "I dont want sex with YOU" but rather as a simple "I dont want sex right now". Now imagine one or both of us did take it the first way? Well we would start responding to each other differently, with a negative and fearful attitude that would lead to the deterioration of our sex life. Our sex life remains in tact precisely because we dont take turn downs personally and because of his persistence. 

It wasnt always so easy for my husband as it is now. Over time my own insecurities, fears, and anxiety faded because of his confidence and efforts. So of course now he is really rewarded for all his hard work. I even initiate much more now. I give him all the credit for our sex life because if he had responded like the OPs husband I think I would be in the same boat as her right now. I even expressed shock and questioned him taking care of himself next to me at the start of our marriage. He just confidently told me "what? You didnt want sex but I still need a release." I got over the awkwardness and now I view it as normal, just as he views it. Even if I hadnt changed we could have come to a compromise where he did that in another room. In fact I think I did make him go to another room for awhile, until I realized that wasn't fair. Now I encourage him to do it. Why does he need to let me make him feel ashamed of what he is doing? Our sex life has been a process but its always been good despite my anxiety and because of his self confidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You mentioned you wanted him to be more dominant. Does he have a hard time doing that because he's been taught that gentlemen do not treat a lady that way?

When my DH and I met, I spent literally 2 months throwing out progressively more obvious I'm interested signals. And i'm not very subtle in the first place! He never got it. It took his friend asking me out, me turning friend down, friend asking why, me telling him I was interested in DH, and then friend telling DH flat out that I wanted him...desperately...for DH to get it. He was interested the whole time and inclined to hit on me, but he was taught that gentlemen aren't sexually aggressive because it's creepy and disrespectful to women. It took a hell of a green light for him to act on his attraction.

We've been married for 12 years, together 15. It has taken me nearly all of that time to get him to understand that I am a bit of a sexual submissive and NEED him to be a caveman here and there.

Another thing your story brought to mind is a friend of DH's who was having problems in his relationship. He wasn't initiating because he kind of thought that wanting sex from his partner was more or less selfish because women don't want sex nearly the way men do. I told him over and over this was untrue. He came to me one day and said that he figured out women WANT and NEED sex. When I said "Yeah, I've been telling you that for years!" He replied " True, but gf SHOWED me.

If he thinks being aggressive isn't gentlemanly or that he'll just be turned down, convince him it's ok and back that up with accepting him when he initiates. SHOW him you have a sex drive and want sex. See it that helps.

Oh, and some of what you've said makes me think your desire might be more passive. But a woman with passive desire only needs her partner to get her started. After that, as she becomes more aroused, she may be more passionately aggressive. Maybe it's a matter of him doing a couple subtle little things to get you started and then you will be able to take it from there and be the actual initiater.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> To me these are crucial factors in your H not getting discouraged. Mostly you end up in the mood if he addresses your complaint. And even when you don't, you are fine and dandy with him taking care of himself while you cuddle with him. Not surprising that a guy who gets treated this well is able to keep up his confidence in the face of rejection.
> 
> *I get the feeling that the OP's husband could address each and every excuse and still not end up with a spouse who mostly gets in the mood.* And I get the feeling that the OP would not be cool with her H taking care of himself in the bed right next to her, much less cuddle him while he did it. Happy to find I am wrong.
> 
> Agree that the man has a responsibility to self-soothe. But the wife also has to understand that if excuses are endless and if she responds to him helping himself with something like "what the heck are you doing? Don't you dare do that in our bed! Grow up. Can't you control yourself? If you must do it, do it somewhere else," well, then she shouldn't be surprised if her H ends up discouraged and stops initiating sex with her.


I don't get this feeling from her at all.

I see a perfectly normal couple going through a lot of stress, with a need to communicate better.

And pardon me for speaking on your behalf PrettyRibbon, but I don't think she's lost her sex drive at all, I think her husband just needs to be a little more aggressive. And I think she's doing a great job so far of encouraging that.

I think they're going to be all right.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Wake him up early before he goes to work. 

Bedroom door locked and your child is watching favorite Disney film in their bedroom.

My wife will have her alarm radio turned on to mask sounds. When I get to bedroom and she is in the the shower and radio is on I know its on.

Make time....1st priority is to the spouse. You can swing it a couple times a week.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PrettyRibbon said:


> This has been a recurring theme for every one of my relationships. Do good in the beginning and then sex slows down. Every. Single. Time. *I feel horrible, I want to do better, but I find it hard to act on. I feel silly, and cheesy*,...
> 
> What can I do? I asked him if he wants to cheat and she says no. He wants me, but I don't want him. I guess it's not entirely untrue. I've never had a "primal" instinct for sex. I don't feel like I have to do it. So it's hard to try to force myself to feel that way.
> 
> I'm just lost.



OK, so you know how to have sex and enjoy the adrenaline rush of doing fun things with someone for the first time. Eventually the adrenaline wears off as things become familiar and comfortable. It is as if the roar of white water rapids have calmed down and now that you are floating down the stream nice and quiet. Nice and too quiet. Where did all the fun go...

This is a point in a marriage where you learn to slow down and make love instead of having thrilling hormonal and adrenaline driven sex. 

Instead of having performance anxiety over wanting to get back the excitement, this is a time where you learn the fine art of loving yourself and your husband. 

If he comes to you wanting sex and you can't feel yourself get into it, have you ever thought of possible ways to decline his advances but at the same time reaffirm to him that he is loved? I'm not going to explain techniques for how that works as you'll have to ask your husband how to do that for him!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cecezakat said:


> Your husband has a problem taking your anxiety too personally and he does nothing to make you more interested (spicing up foreplay).


Not necessarily.

The problem in your logic is that it assumes he does not approach her for sex due to lack of self-confidence. If he is reluctant to initiate sex, perhaps he just got tired of being rejected and figures he has better things to do with his time?

I am, by most measures, an understanding and forgiving guy. My ex got into a constant rejection mindset with the usual litany of excuses several times during our marriage. I was not even close to gunshy. I did what she requested and when that failed I stopped caring.

On her part, my ex became so attached (for lack of a better word) to her excuses that she could not sustain a period of decent sexual activity even when our marriage depended on it. It is this dynamic that leads me to caution the OP.

As far as putting it on the OPs husband to make the sex work, I think that is a bad idea. As a matter of principle, I feel that people need to address their own shortcomings and bring a healthy self to the marriage bed. Asking the OP's husband to try extra-hard to make the sex life work is simply unfair to him. She needs to resolve her anxieties to the very best of her ability, and only then ask him to close the gap. Yes it might mean she works extra hard for a while, but it is what it is.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

DTO said:


> Not necessarily.
> 
> The problem in your logic is that it assumes he does not approach her for sex due to lack of self-confidence. If he is reluctant to initiate sex, perhaps he just got tired of being rejected and figures he has better things to do with his time?
> 
> ...


I've said it more than once now that I'm not suggesting she put her husband up to fixing their sex life. I only point out his shortcomings because of the OPs excessive self blame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cecezakat said:


> I've said it more than once now that I'm not suggesting she put her husband up to fixing their sex life. I only point out his shortcomings because of the OPs excessive self blame.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But, I do not see any relevant shortcomings of his to point out. I have not read the OP for a while, but I don't see any hard deficiencies of his.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

DTO said:


> But, I do not see any relevant shortcomings of his to point out. I have not read the OP for a while, but I don't see any hard deficiencies of his.


He has very clear shortcomings, perhaps you are motivated to overlook those. You cannot blame yourself for other peoples actions. You can take accountability for your contributions to a certain environment in the home, but other people still choose how they react to you. Are you encouraging OP to continue blaming herself? Her husband simply has a free pass to "be appalled" at the thought of going to therapy yet text her that he is frustrated with their sex life and blame everything on her?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Don't overthink it. We men are simple. Just jump on him and do it.

To be frank, even the thought that you describe of wanting a man that is in charge and all that is too complicated. If your husband tries to climb on you and you say no, he will stop. Simple. If he is raised right, his parents told him to respect boundaries and 'no means no'. You would raise your own son this way, right?


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

Not to be out there or anything., but put it on him when ever you can.show him you want him , if you do. Don't be afraid be confident. After all he chose to be with you he accepts you so why do you seem so anxious and afraid . Get the kid moved out of your bed.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

PrettyRibbon said:


> You are absolutely right. This did not occur to me. I need to do better, but I obviously have some sort of issue with stepping up and saying "TAKE ME!!" and I don't know why. Trust me. I wish it were that easy. I thought this approach would help me, but I can see how this isn't going to help him much. Thank you.


Here's the funny thing - this is really no different than the clueless man who doesn't know how to be romantic with his wife, and then wonders why she has no interest in him that way. He'll be told to buy her flowers, cook dinner, cuddle, etc. It's not rocket science, even though it may be awkward for him.

So many women over the course of human history complain that their partner doesn't pay the type of attention to them that they require. It can go both ways.


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