# Is Divorce the Only Answer?



## RX Queen (Mar 31, 2014)

I didn't know where to put this because there are so many issues at hand it makes my head spin. 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have two young children. When I was pregnant with our first child, I found that he had been looking at porn sites and things of that nature, which I didn't have a problem with personally, but he had made it quite clear to me early on that he considered things like that cheating. This has went on through the entirety of our marriage where I always find out, and he either hides it, lies about it, laughs it off, or says I'm crazy for taking issue with it. I have found pictures sent to him in very graphic nature from random strangers online. I have key-logged fantasy role playing conversations he has had with strange people. He even went as far as to propose a meeting with a woman in the town we live in through a Craigslist add. 

Now, he claims all of this is in jest because he gets bored and says he likes to see what kinds of reactions he can get out of people. Whatever. I do not think he has actually physically hooked up with any of these women (or men--yes--men), but the damage it has caused me, mainly due to his reactions to my trying to talk to him about it, is understandably irrefutable.

He says I have damaged him completely. We have not had sex in a year. He says he cannot take my emotional baggage, that I have issues, and that I am a terrible person. I admit, I resent him and have a lot of deep anger toward him. I am very rude to him at this point in our relationship because of the hurt I have endured. I feel broken beyond belief, and I take it all out on him. He says I can't use him as an excuse for my behavior and that I lack the drive to pick myself up. He tells me I have always been this way (low self-esteem) and that it has only gotten worse with time (naturally). However, he uses the same justification for his own behavior toward me. I caused him to be the way he is--I have ruined him. I'm not allowed to have those same justifications. He has torn me down which has in turn torn him down by the way I am toward him. I have psychological issues because of my behaviors; he is abused (his explanation). 

Every relationship I have ever been in since high school has resulted in some form of abuse. My husband knows this and claims it is a fault within my personality. Last night he told me that God told him long ago that he should not get married, yet he begged me for months. He claims part of our problem is that he is a type A personality (meaning he is driven) and that I am a B (meaning I am lazy). He said I have submerged him in a pool of destruction. 

He will not go to counseling with me. We don't really have coverage for me to go to counseling. I do not want to end our marriage. I love him very much. I feel as though he loves me, but not in the way he did before the honeymoon phase was over. His love for me has changed dramatically as a result of this mess. 

I don't know what to do. I took a vacation with our children, and when I came back I was automatically in a mode of betrayal, afraid he was "cheating" the whole time we were gone. We have hurt each other so much that I don't know if there is any way to salvage things. He is in complete denial of his role in this, says I am sick and have strange fantasies of him being with other women since I'm always paranoid about it, and last night was the first time I have ever even heard him apologize for what he has done (as far as the cheating is concerned).

Please, any help or advice would be much appreciated. I am scared and lonely beyond reproach.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You won't solve this alone. Get counseling. If he refuses, and does not want the marriage enough to go, well you have your answer. Sometime one spouse does not want counseling because they fear their bad behavior will get called out by an objective 3rd party and that will lead to them losing some control over you and the relationship.

Yes, his activities online, at least some of them, are cheating. He is going outside the marriage for emotional and sexual comfort without putting that energy in solving the problems in the marriage and you are not OK with that. That is pretty much the very definition of cheating. A counselor would tell him that and he knows it. 

On the flip side, many women seem to be able to shut themselves off sexually for a couple years or even for good, but most men can't do that more than a couple of weeks. It is biology--the way we are wired. This does not excuse his activities online, but don't put fixing things in the bedroom as the last thing on the list to deal with.


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## RX Queen (Mar 31, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> You won't solve this alone. Get counseling. If he refuses, and does not want the marriage enough to go, well you have your answer. Sometime one spouse does not want counseling because they fear their bad behavior will get called out by an objective 3rd party and that will lead to them losing some control over you and the relationship.
> 
> Yes, his activities online, at least some of them, are cheating. He is going outside the marriage for emotional and sexual comfort without putting that energy in solving the problems in the marriage and you are not OK with that. That is pretty much the very definition of cheating. A counselor would tell him that and he knows it.


You have nailed why he won't go to counseling. He knows whoever we see will tell him exactly what you said. I wish I could go to counseling, but as I've said, our insurance won't pay for it. I know there are church related counseling/therapy things people do, but I'm not comfortable with that being un-attached to the church for various reasons. As far as our sex life is concerned. I just don't get it. We had an amazing sex life. It ended abruptly because he went out with some friends one night, came home making aggressive advances toward me at 3 in the morning when I had to wake up in two hours to go to work, and we fought--haven't had sex since. I don't even sleep in the same room with him because, honestly, until this is resolved, I just feel strange--like it's a lie being in there with him. 

I know I have some forgiveness and jealousy issues to work out, but as you said, he did cheat in some ways repeatedly. Instead of manning up to it, he has decided to make it my problem--not his. 

I have told him that he can file for a divorce if he wants one, but he's made it pretty clear he doesn't, until he said what he said last night. I don't know if he was admitting he regrets having married me or if he was just making another excuse. He's honestly a very unique person in his line of thinking so it's hard to say. We did separate at one point for almost a year, and things were great when I came back, but within a few months, these issues came back. At that point, I decided that maybe he was just into things I had never done before, more kinky things, and that if I indulged him, he would stop looking for that satisfaction elsewhere. This is part of where the issue really blows up because he began to initiate threesome fantasies while making love, talking about it, and I became extremely uncomfortable, pushing him away. I never knew any of this about him for years, and I can't believe it came out of nowhere. 

So yes, our main problems seem to stem for sex-related issues and the emotional abuse we have caused one another as a result of his cheating. He's content to just throw it aside and forget any of it happened, but I need closure to move on and build myself up again. I'm just lost as to how to do that. I went from being extremely confident and sure of myself to a shell as this has went on.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Maybe consider 180? 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity'

The great thing about 180 is it is win - win. It makes you stronger and thus more desirable. If your marriage still fails it builds you up to go out on your own in a healthy positive way. Not a wasted effort no matter what.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I hate to say this, but I don't think you are going to solve this on your own. I highly recommend counseling. Even if your husband won't participate at first, you can still get some great advice for yourself. And if you can't afford it, you can get free phone counseling through Focus on the Family. Their number is (855) 771-4357. I encourage you to give them a call.

And the answer to your very first question, "Is Divorce the Only Answer?" I would strongly say no. Divorce is never the only answer. But it takes two willing people to get the help they need to get to the other side of the tough circumstances. 

Hang in there, friend!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RX Queen said:


> *I know I have some forgiveness and jealousy issues to work out,* but as you said, he did cheat in some ways repeatedly. Instead of manning up to it, he has decided to make it my problem--not his.
> 
> *No you dont, your husband is cheating on you and abusing you. He isnt sorry. He isnt remorseful. *
> 
> So yes, our main problems seem to stem for sex-related issues and the emotional abuse we have caused one another as a result of his cheating*. He's content to just throw it aside and forget any of it happened, but I need closure to move on and build myself up again. I'm just lost as to how to do that. I went from being extremely confident and sure of myself to a shell as this has went on*


Anyone who leaves you as an empty shell of yourself does not care about you. Trust me, I have been there. There is nothing for you to stay in this for. He does not wish to work on things through counseling, he blames YOU for all of his cheating and bad behavior, he isnt sorry, and sees no reason to do anything differently than he is now. Do you want to deal with horrible soul shattering regret 20 years from now when you are still stuck in this same situation??


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