# Limbo



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

So, the thing that is currently driving me crazy is being in limbo. I have made it clear to my husband what I want and need. He keeps going back and forth about what he wants. He keeps whining about how much pain he is in, how hard this is for him and how much he wants things to be back to normal.

Well, I have told him that things will never be exactly like they used to be, because I was very unhappy then. But, if he wants to try and fix things, he has to do more than whine.

I may have asked this before. But, how long am I supposed to wait to see if he is going to step up? How do I proceed with my life if I don't know if I should be planning to move to a new place and get a second job to make ends meet. There are huge things in my life that are being held up waiting for him to figure out what he is going to do.

Any words of wisdom on how to get through this time?

Thank!

Sandy


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think the waiting is up to you. ive been waiting for a long time too and sometimes i get really tired and frustrated with it. 

for me i dont have the extreme 'should i leave or should i go' in my head anymore. its more about me backing off emotionally and physically if he's not doing the things i need. and i think gradually i will leave naturally and it wont be a big emotional thing. 

but i dont really know your situation and so you might need to leave if things are emotionally or physically abusive. my relationship was emotionally abusive for awhile so i think i had to be in a constant state of emotional upheaval. but it is no longer in duress so i can be a little more mellow about it.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

He has been out of the house for six weeks (I asked him to move out). He has been going to the counselor, but he just can't seem to get past all his woe-is-me crap and, either start working towards the changes, or move on.

He is so wrapped up in himself and his pain and misery that he cannot see anything else.

I had a call from the mammography center last week and they have asked me to come back in for a biopsy. I debated about whether or not to even tell my husband, but I decided I probably should. When I called him, I swear he muttered "good timing". When I said what? he said "nothing" and then asked me if I was okay, etc. 

Halloween is a big thing at our house. My husband and daughter love to decorate to the max and scare all the kids in town. So, my husband has been saying and saying that he wanted to do this one last thing as a family. I debated whether or not that was a good idea. He came over Friday to start setting up and things seemed to go okay. So, I decided that we could probably handle Halloween together. 

As it turned out, I had to work earlier in the day yesterday. Around 3:00 my husband calls and asks if I am coming to the house. I told him that I had to stop at Target and a few other places, but I was on my way home. He asked what I was getting at Target. I said a sports bra and some other things. He sounds puzzled and says "Sports bra, okay?" I said, yeah, they told me to bring one to my appointment on Thursday - something about more pressure on the incision or something after the biopsy. He says - oh, that's right... I forgot all about that. ???!!!??? Really? Are you really that wrapped up in your own little world that you forgot, in a matter of days, that your wife is going in for a breast biopsy??? Does he not understand that life goes on and that, in addition to our marital problems, I have other things going on as well? My uncle died a few weeks ago and, unlike my husband, I have to carry on with my regular routine. He is at his mom's. I am sure she is cooking, doing his laundry, etc. I imagine all he has to do is go to work and come home and have a pity party. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to pay all the bills, keep up a house, go to work, deal with family stuff, and put on a happy face for my daughter, who has been dragged into enough of this.

So, last night, we were putting the finishing touches on the Halloween stuff. Our daughter (she is 18) had invited some friends over. One of her friend's mom is a friend of mine. She dropped off Sarah early in the day. I had no idea she was coming back. But, she did -which was fine with me, but I had not invited her. We have a neighbor down the street that does up Halloween big as well. Nancy asked what our neighbor's had going on, so I asked if she wanted to walk down and have a look. As we were down the street I see my husband drive away. I thought maybe he went to town to pick something up. Time passes and he hasn't come back. I asked my daughter where dad went? She said he left. I called him and asked where he was, was he coming back. He says he can't take it. It is too hard being here at the house with me. He said I left. I said when? I said, we just went down the street to check out the neighbor's house. He says he thought it was just going to be our daughter, her friends and us. He said that if he had know otherwise he would have invited friends. I told him that I did not invite Nancy and what was I supposed to do, ask her to leave? He starts to get all whiney and demanding that I talk to him. I told him that he was making this hard for everyone. Eventually I told him I did not want to talk about "things" because we had company, trick or treaters were starting to come, etc. I told him that it was up to him if he wanted to come back. I hung up and unplugged the phone. At one point he did come back, but I am not sure what for. He came in the house, didn't speak to me, and then was gone again.

Today I was talking to my friend and she said that her daughter had said she felt so bad for our daughter when her dad walked out. He said he was going to some parties and she told her mom that our daughter just stood there. She didn't know what to say or do as her dad walked out the door.

I talked to him today and told him that he said he wanted to come and, no matter how hard it was, he should have sucked it up and made the best of it. Luckily our daughter seemed to recover and have a good time. But, I just don't think he has any idea how much these kinds of things impact other people and his relationship with them. I don't know if he even cares.

I had a long talk with him this morning and laid it all on the line for him. He doesn't want to go to AA, but I told him (in fact I think somebody on here said this) that I think if he does go, a lot of the immaturity and selfishness will disappear as he gets a handle on the drinking and the reasons he drinks. But, he has to want to go. He has to want to make things better for himself as well as the other people in his life.

So - sorry to ramble, but this is what is so hard. He is just so wrapped up in himself and he says he wants to just move on, but he doesn't do it. At the same time, he has made no moves, whatsoever, towards trying to improve things. I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I suppose I need to just move on myself as if we were going to stay apart. 

Thanks for listening!

Sandy


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He's uncomfortable with his situation right now. He's only thinking of getting relief. That means coming back home.

Yep. He's selfish and self centered.

Make a list of the top 5 things or so that you want your husband to do or change. You might make one.."no whining!" Haha

Right this list down and hand him a copy for him to keep. Tell him to bring it to his counselor. 

Changes should be seen almost immediately IF he is really wanting to change or make an effort. If you are waiting to see something and you don't...then he really isn't trying.

If he wanted something badly enough...you would probably see him in action immediately. Same goes for anything important-YOU!


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

CW - I have heard the make a list suggestion many times. How do I go about doing that? How do I define the things I would like to see? If I were to start a list now, it would look something like this - is this good enough? Too vague?

Go to AA

Think of others, become more mature and less selfish

Separate your wants from your needs financially, follow a budget

Take care of your health, go to diabetes doc appointments regularly and see a dentist (he has not been to a dentist in years, not since he lost a filling and they told him he needed a root canal on another tooth - he has not had those things fixed and Lord only knows what else is going on in there, but it really turns me off when I think of kissing him).


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That list is a start. It's pretty clear, from what I read of your list what you want.

He could take action on these things...easily.

His action would be making and keeping his doctor appointments. Another action would be attending those AA meetings on a regular basis. Also, asking how you are and doing things for you and others.

These are all things that you can SEE him doing. If he isn't or hasn't done anything....you know where you stand. 

Many of these things can be started today!


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