# Why won't he propose?



## sgm10 (Apr 11, 2011)

I'm 23 and have been dating my boyfriend now (also 23) for over a year and a half, now I realize that many other couples date for years before committing to marriage. I graduated college last May, and he graduates in a few weeks. We have lived together since August, and have a 6-month old baby together. I completely understand that just because we have a child doesn't mean that we should be married, however, we have gone through things and overcome hardships that many other couples wouldn't survive, and he still doesn't know if he'll even propose within this year. What I don't understand is why he tells me he loves me and that he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me, and he still isn't even thinking about proposing. Also, his parents have offered to pay for our entire wedding. It's like everything for us is set, and our relationship is better than ever. I don't want to push the subject for obvious reasons, but I have no clue what the deal is and I can't stand to see everyone I know keep getting engaged or married when they haven't even been together as long as we have and especially haven't gone through the things we have, or have the bond we have (having had a child together) Someone please help me understand what he's thinking or if it's ever going to happen...I'm losing hope.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Let me get this straight. He's already living with you AND has a baby with you. You agreed to all this without the ring. Right? And now you want to know why he isn't proposing?

.....well it's cause he doesn't have to.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

sgm10 said:


> I'm 23 and have been dating my boyfriend now (also 23) for over a year and a half, now I realize that many other couples date for years before committing to marriage. I graduated college last May, and he graduates in a few weeks. We have lived together since August, and have a 6-month old baby together. I completely understand that just because we have a child doesn't mean that we should be married, however, we have gone through things and overcome hardships that many other couples wouldn't survive, and he still doesn't know if he'll even propose within this year. What I don't understand is why he tells me he loves me and that he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me, and he still isn't even thinking about proposing. Also, his parents have offered to pay for our entire wedding. It's like everything for us is set, and our relationship is better than ever. I don't want to push the subject for obvious reasons, but I have no clue what the deal is and I can't stand to see everyone I know keep getting engaged or married when they haven't even been together as long as we have and especially haven't gone through the things we have, or have the bond we have (having had a child together) Someone please help me understand what he's thinking or if it's ever going to happen...I'm losing hope.


Hi,

Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain over this difficult issue.

Obviously, being married is important to you but it is not to him. He is happy with the way things are, otherwise he would have asked by now. That is my guess anyway. You can never truly know what he is thinking.

When my marriage was in trouble I always used to try to get inside my wife's head. It made me anxious, depressed, and I felt hopeless. Something that helped me was really internalizing the fact that I couldn't get into my wife's head, and all I was in control of was my actions and feelings. So, as hard as it is, I would suggest not trying to figure out what he is thinking/feeling, instead try to calmly state how important it is to you to be married. Perhaps even write him a letter saying this. And after that, let it go. If he doesn't respond then no amount of pressure or reminding will make him respond. To quote Mort Fertel: "Your spouse/partner will change at one time, and one time only. When it is THEIR idea." But that doesn't mean you can't affect the situation. In fact, if you continue to be a fantastic, caring partner and a tower of moral authority, your partner will naturally come to realise how important it is to you and will hopefully pop the question. 

So, I guess, to summarize I would say that no amount of pressure will make him come around. In fact the opposite may be true. 

So, perhaps that may help you. 

take care.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am very old fashioned I guess. I read posts from people here all the time who are together for years and years, have kids and then get married. I don't get it. Why? Why now? What's different. Seems genuinely more trouble than it's worth. I truly do not get it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Let me get this straight. He's already living with you AND has a baby with you. You agreed to all this without the ring. Right? And now you want to know why he isn't proposing?
> 
> .....well *it's cause he doesn't have to*.


You may be on to something. Why buy the milk....
I mean, to him, what's the incentive, what's the rush? You already live together, so he gets all the sex he wants. He has alteast 1 child with you, so he doesn't have be pressured by any biological clock, especially at 23. To him why complilcate things further with an official committment? This way if things sour... he can still be out. Perhaps something in your past "hurdles" has made him question whether or not its the right move at this time. I mean, i'm assuming you guys didn't sit down and purposely want a child, in comparison to those married folk who are actually trying to have children. 

Talk it out with him, try to determine was causing him to have cold feet. I got engaged to my wife in under 11 months of dating.


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

You have been together 1.5 years and having 6 months old baby which means you got pregnant withing 3 months of knowing each other. It seems you have been rushing soo fast. Anyway that has happend so what next. He probably realized the rushing and he now wants to take it slow before you both got married. 

Discuss with him probably he has another reason.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He hasn't proposed because he's not ready yet or doesn't want to.

That is what it comes down to.

You should ask him "Where do you see our relationship going?" and go from there.

I agree w/ what RunsLikeDog said. You guys are basically married already, just not w/ the piece of paperl.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I am very old fashioned I guess. I read posts from people here all the time who are together for years and years, have kids and then get married. I don't get it. Why? Why now? What's different. Seems genuinely more trouble than it's worth. I truly do not get it.


It's a female thing and I've seen it often. Women rush into things by moving in with a guy, maybe having a child thinking a ring is on the table or maybe they really didn't want one at the time. Either way I think at some point they think wait I don't have a comittment and <gasp> he can leave at any time. So then they push for marriage. The guy meanwhile thinks like you why now? whats different? It's just a piece of paper but to many women it's much much more than that.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Let me get this straight. He's already living with you AND has a baby with you. You agreed to all this without the ring. Right? And now you want to know why he isn't proposing?
> 
> .....well it's cause he doesn't have to.


Why buy the cow when the milk is free?:iagree:


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## sgm10 (Apr 11, 2011)

I couldn't expect him to marry me just because I got pregnant, that would be for all the wrong reasons (and yes it was unplanned, however, even though we were dating for only 3 months, we've known each other since we were 19) We didn't rush into moving in together either, I got pregnant in December and we didn't move in together until August. And it's not like I'm giving him sex all the time either, so he wouldn't need to commit, I am taking care of an infant all day, I have better things to do than have sex whenever he wants it so Idk if that's it either. And on the same lines as well it's only a piece of paper, what's different...exactly, if nothing technically will be changes besides a title, and my last name, why is it so hard for him to marry me? Lastly, I don't want to marry him, just so he won't leave me, that's a terrible reason to make that kind of committment. I want to marry him because he's a good person, a good father, and I love him.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm sorry to be the blunt one here but maybe he's realized that marriage can be a bad legal position for men and doesn't see the reason to do it.

Of course, you already have a child and so on but still, if you strip it down to the basics, marriage often puts men in particular in a difficult legal spot should anything ever go bad and no matter how great the situation why would they want that?

Frankly, the guy is already married in every other way except legally so what is the advantage for him?

Actually, why does it matter to you so much? You have him, a baby, a life together and so on so why worry about it?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think he thinks like I think.....why now? While there's certainly some legal advantages to being legally married often those are outweighed by the current convenience of being right where you are. In the back of my mind I'd be chewing over what I thought you though was missing from our relationship right now, that had to be remediated by a legal marriage. 

Here's what I would do. I'd present as the best thing for the long run. Seal the deal and that sort of thing. As we mature and our lives get more complex we need to ensure that no one else can screw with that and the greatest and most wonderful way to do that is get married and have a big party.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think shes right to worry about it, and while things do seem to have happened fast and they are young and now have a child together, they need to work on making life as secure as possible for that child. That includes them both being secure and happy in the relationship.

Kids are a huge commitment in themselves, and I see it OP that you are the mother of his child, he should be valuing you and your feelings. 

If marriage is very important to you and he loves you, I see it like anything else in a relationship, you do what you can to make the person you love feel secure in that love. If he really wants to be with you forever, then he should marry you.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

Syrum said:


> If he really wants to be with you forever, then he should marry you.


Well, that argument goes both ways of course. 

To turn a phrase, If she wants to be with him but he doesn't want to get married then she should respect that. I'm not arguing your statement but just pointing out that the scenario is the same. 

But seriously why is this an issue? She has everything that marriage brings already except a certain legal status (she already has another strong one).

My bet is that being young she has a strong desire to do what she thinks she "should" do or her upbringing has told her is the "right" way. Nothing wrong with that necessarily but still, it's hardly a rock solid argument either.

I say be happy with what you have, make it work perhaps even better than now and don't start causing problems for no reason. If there's reason to be concerned then deal with that but otherwise, the situation seems fine.


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

sgm10 said:


> I couldn't expect him to marry me just because I got pregnant, that would be for all the wrong reasons (and yes it was unplanned, however, even though we were dating for only 3 months, we've known each other since we were 19) We didn't rush into moving in together either, I got pregnant in December and we didn't move in together until August. And it's not like I'm giving him sex all the time either, so he wouldn't need to commit, I am taking care of an infant all day, I have better things to do than have sex whenever he wants it so Idk if that's it either. And on the same lines as well it's only a piece of paper, what's different...exactly, if nothing technically will be changes besides a title, and my last name, why is it so hard for him to marry me? Lastly, I don't want to marry him, just so he won't leave me, that's a terrible reason to make that kind of committment. I want to marry him because he's a good person, a good father, and I love him.


Hi again. 

You are definitely wanting to marry him for the right reasons. That's good. Marriage is really just a piece of paper, so you could be happy without being married, but it seems marriage is very important to you. If that is the case, then your partner either a) doesn't understand how important it is to you, or b) doesn't really want to get married himself. 

Something I didn't mention is that perhaps he isn't happy with the reality of what a relationship is. You seem to be just past the initial "excitement phase", which is usually 6-24months, and into the "reality phase". That is when relationships take work. "The labour of love" is a common phrase for this period. People go through periods of doubt and distress during this time. My advice would be to be a loving, caring partner and build your relationship with actions, and in time he will surely realize how important marriage is to you and propose to you.

And to re-iterate, a letter saying how important marriage is to you and asking him his honest opinion on marriage might be a good start. Try not to be pressuring, just display your honest feelings.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Let me ask you one simple question, why do you have to get the proposal and be married already if you're happy together right now? I really want an honest answer.

It's like everything for us is set, and our relationship is better than ever. I don't want to push the subject for obvious reasons, but I have no clue what the deal is *and I can't stand to see everyone I know keep getting engaged or married* when they haven't even been together as long as we have and especially haven't gone through the things we have, or have the bond we have

The above quote should give you some insight I believe.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

You have given him way too much with no real commitment. He doesn't feel like he needs to marry you, because you already live together with your baby. All the joys of a a wife and children, with no commitment. I have always had it drilled in my head growing up..._Never become a mother before you are a wife._ I have a cousin that has been living with the father of her two kids for more than 6 years. He STILL won't marry her!

You are both much too young to be tied down with a child already. He probably didn't really want to become a father so early in his life.

I was engaged 1 year and 8 months into dating. We had a lot of commitment, on and off again issues. I put the kibosh on that by refusing to return to Mr.G unless he wanted a future. I didn't want any more games or time wasted.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Um, why are we blaming her? Why buy the cow. Why should he. He already has all he wants. He didn't want to be a father early in life. 
She came here asking for support and all she got from most is "duh". Really?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Um, why are we blaming her? Why buy the cow. Why should he. He already has all he wants. He didn't want to be a father early in life.
> She came here asking for support and all she got from most is "duh". Really?


I agree. You know what, despite people's best intentions, things don't always work out as planned. Or sometimes, people don't have a plan at first and then realise, hang on, I'd actually quite like things to be this way, or that way. Nothing wrong with that.

Of course, hindsight is a great thing. And there's nothing wrong per se with the OP wanting to get married NOW- unfortunately, despite the best advice of some on this thread, she can't go back in time, all she CAN do is deal with the now.

I suggest another frank, open talk OP. Explain marriage is what you want from your relationship ultimately and how does he foresee the future panning out. Then you will have a good idea of his intentions. I will say, though, don't end up hanging on and hanging on, but I *do* think you have some leeway given you are quite young and the short timescale in which you met and got pregnant. You need some time just as a couple as well as new parents.


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## Alphan (Mar 23, 2011)

_I analogize your situation with a store that sells its groceries on credit. Shoppers may come crawling on their bellies, begging to pick some groceries. But once they have gone and have had their fill, they don't count paying back as a priority. Most scientific studies reveal that men rate sex as number one reason for a marital relationship. 

You need to be a celebrity or at least command some status to have a guy who is already enjoying all these treats go down on one of his knees and pose the magic question. I mean, he already enjoys the freedom of staying with you and you have a kid together. 

Nevertheless, this doesn't mean that all is lost. You may choose to do two things. Get to talk to him in a manner that suggests this is the most preferable time of your life to solemnize your marriage. On the other hand, you can use the feminine power to prod his ego. Let him feel you are his queen. Do a simple study of what he likes most and share his joy in it. It may be as simple as cheering his basket ball team and the like. Avoid fusses. Men are like a coconut. The easiest way to break one is by identifying their black sports near their base aka coconut eyes. A slight hit on any of the spots and you can sit to enjoy the juice.

Best regards. _


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Actually, a marriage certificate is more than just a piece of paper.

It represents quite a bit about commitment and love.

In addition to that, it is a legal package deal that streamlines some things like:

1. Inheritance.

2. Medical decisions if one of you is gravely injured.

3. Paycheck issues such as 401K plans, health insurance, etc.

My thought is that he is focused on finishing school and despite already playing house and having a kid, it is too much for him to contemplate.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I disagree with most of these posts. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Um, because they have a BABY together for one thing. It's not just about them anymore; they brought another human being into this world and need to become good role models in every possible way. This means getting married! For couples who CHOOSE not to get married, I think that they can still be great mother/father role models. But in this case, ONE person wants to and the other doesn't, and this can create a lot of strife that their kid will pick up on. 

To whoever said that marriage is a financial liability--this guy is only 23, so it's probably not as big of an issue. He's a recent college grad, so it's not like he has that much that could be lost in a divorce. In fact, it might even be more of a financial liability for the OP if she has fewer student loans to pay off than he does. When you're young, money isn't as much of a concern.

Anyway, I would probably sit down with him and talk through your expectations. You're only 23, so you do have some time to spend with each other as new parents. It could be that he wants to save up for a really nice ring or wedding since you've been through so much together; it could be because he's just not ready; it could be he wants to wait a certain number of months/years. Just try and get a feel for what his plans are. If you REALLY want to get engaged, you could always propose! I know many people are traditional and don't like this idea, but you could at least bring it up with him to see how he would react (my SO would hate if I did that haha, but some men wouldn't mind).


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## NaiveDaffodil (Apr 17, 2011)

I've been with my significant other for 5 years and still nothing. I know how you feel...


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

lime said:


> I disagree with most of these posts. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Um, because they have a BABY together for one thing. It's not just about them anymore; they brought another human being into this world and need to become good role models in every possible way. This means getting married! For couples who CHOOSE not to get married, I think that they can still be great mother/father role models. But in this case, ONE person wants to and the other doesn't, and this can create a lot of strife that their kid will pick up on.
> 
> To whoever said that marriage is a financial liability--this guy is only 23, so it's probably not as big of an issue. He's a recent college grad, so it's not like he has that much that could be lost in a divorce. In fact, it might even be more of a financial liability for the OP if she has fewer student loans to pay off than he does. When you're young, money isn't as much of a concern.
> 
> Anyway, I would probably sit down with him and talk through your expectations. You're only 23, so you do have some time to spend with each other as new parents. It could be that he wants to save up for a really nice ring or wedding since you've been through so much together; it could be because he's just not ready; it could be he wants to wait a certain number of months/years. Just try and get a feel for what his plans are. If you REALLY want to get engaged, you could always propose! I know many people are traditional and don't like this idea, but you could at least bring it up with him to see how he would react (my SO would hate if I did that haha, but some men wouldn't mind).


I really agree with the first paragraph here. You are a child's role models. For everything. Including in the future when they grow up and have relationships. Kid's will pick up on any hostility between the two of you.

And a very good point there at the end that I hadn't thought of. How do you think your partner would respond to YOU proposing? Being married is the important thing to you, so unless you are a traditionalist it shouldn't matter who does the proposing.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

Kilgore Salmon said:


> Well, that argument goes both ways of course.
> 
> To turn a phrase, If she wants to be with him but he doesn't want to get married then she should respect that. I'm not arguing your statement but just pointing out that the scenario is the same.
> 
> ...



Its a girl thing  haha My best friend is going through the same thing, they have a 1 year old live together etc.. she calls me upset all the time because every time he has a surprise for her she gets excited thinking its a ring and calls me upset when its flowers.. lol i tell her she needs to straight up ask him and talk with him about it. However, I do agree with everyones responses as, why marry when everything is going ok? I think you should make it clear that its one thing you've always wanted in your life -to be married. Adn that it is very important to you something you've always dreamed of if he loves you it will come.. esp if he knows its important to you


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## johnboy63 (May 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I am very old fashioned I guess. I read posts from people here all the time who are together for years and years, have kids and then get married. I don't get it. Why? Why now? What's different. Seems genuinely more trouble than it's worth. I truly do not get it.


Right! Why ruin a great relationship with marriage! I'm sure as he gets older he may change his perspective and want to get married. At such a young age he may not be ready for that step. I am 35 and dont feel ready for that step. Just be happy that you have him, he is faithful, a good lover, and a good father. Marriage will come eventually when he matures and realizes the 'benefits' but for now let him enjoy what he has without the pressure. Marriage is basically a written contract to make two people legally commit to each other. Young guys then think, 'stay with me because you want to, not because some piece of paper says you have to!' That's how I feel about it anyways.


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