# My wife's emotional affair. HELP!



## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site and thought I would try it out. My wife and I were separated last year at this time. We are back together but started having problems again about 2 1/2 months ago. Last year she started texting and being secretive with her phone. Ringer off and face down. I checked the records and found out she was texting all day and night with two separate guys. She went out to meet them and lied about who she was with and where she was. I let these actions go without saying anything to her or that I knew anything. We eventually got back together and things have been great utill about 2-1/2 months ago. I started seeing the same signs again. This time with two different guys. One is a high school friend that lives in another state. The other is local. Again I have been lied to where she was or who she was with. I have seen MANY things that do not make me feel to good. I am very confused about this and don't know what to do. 
Thanks


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Sorry you are here. It sucks but you gotta do what you gotta do. First thing you have to put some spyware on that phone ASAP. Secondly a VAR in her car. that should be a good start and will likely give you the answers you need. AND DO NOT CONFRONT her or tip her off until you get the answers you need. THis will be hard to do but act as normal as possible and find your answers.

Good luck.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

There is nothing confusing here. If the understanding is that you and your wife are in a committed monogamous relationship, then she is violating the terms of that relationship. The only secret between the two of you should be what you got each other for Valentines Day etc. She is hiding her phone because she know's that what she is doing is wrong. Time to have The Talk, use facts (you've averaged 30 texts a day for the last two weeks) (you've been texting as late as 2am and as early as 6am..) (the more you know about what's happening the stronger your position) You stay calm. Its time for her to come clean, decide what she wants and act accordingly. Its time for you to be strong, create absolute boundaries for behavior and investigate divorce options. Understand that her pathetic behavior tells you about her. I does not say anything about you. If she's going to crash her life it does not mean you have to go along for the ride.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If she's going out to meet these men, it is not just an emotional affair, but physical.

She is a serial cheater who is living a double life.

Do you have children?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact she is meeting up with these guy's says it's not an emotional affair, It's a physical affair.

Well you have two options:

1. Just simply call her out on the lies and what you know. And put it on the line that she opens her phone on the spot, and the secret going outs end now, or you will walk and not return.

You will have to be very tough and hard on this one because she will lie and minimize. 

It's an approach which is very hard to pull off, because she can take it deeper underground.

Option 2:

You gather much more evidence. You will need a VAR voice activate recorder in her car, and even a GPS tracker on her car. You will need to get access to her phone to read the messages.

If possible you need be able to discover when she is meeting up with the local guy and either catch them in the act, or to check her when she gets back from having sex with him. In particular grabbing the panties she wore to see him so you can have them checked for semen, since cheaters rarely use condoms (ie. never)

The fact that you separated last year over stuff like this, but you never confronted says that she feels very safe in having these affairs.

Why are you thinking it's only an EA? Is not very likely that guys would be putting that much effort into texting your wife, and meeting up with her if it was only for coffee. I'm sorry, but your wife is more likely than not having sex on these meetups.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> There is nothing confusing here. If the understanding is that you and your wife are in a committed monogamous relationship, then she is violating the terms of that relationship. The only secret between the two of you should be what you got each other for Valentines Day etc. She is hiding her phone because she know's that what she is doing is wrong. Time to have The Talk, use facts (you've averaged 30 texts a day for the last two weeks) (you've been texting as late as 2am and as early as 6am..) (the more you know about what's happening the stronger your position) You stay calm. Its time for her to come clean, decide what she wants and act accordingly. Its time for you to be strong, create absolute boundaries for behavior and investigate divorce options. Understand that her pathetic behavior tells you about her. I does not say anything about you. If she's going to crash her life it does not mean you have to go along for the ride.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Thanks, your reply hits right on. I feel very betrayed and hurt. The part that sucks is that I am a mess right now. I know I need to do something about this. I have been following the phone bill and have seen Facebook chat. I need to man up about this. I guess I think this will disappear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Thanks, your reply hits right on. I feel very betrayed and hurt. The part that sucks is that I am a mess right now. I know I need to do something about this. I have been following the phone bill and have seen Facebook chat. I need to man up about this. I guess I think this will disappear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MASSIVE mistake Confusedat42! I tried to 'wait it out'... It doesnt work that way. The only way to kill infatuation is NC. I waited for it to die out. Instead he got more and more attached to her. If I'd waited another 6 mos I shudder to even think where we'd have been now. You have to intervene. If you've got the fb chats- print them and force a choice, you or him. Man up. Do not beg, plead or in any way show weakness. Its unattractive to a wayward. You have to go against everything natural and get the upper hand by giving her a choice. YOU or HIM. Period.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> MASSIVE mistake Confusedat42! I tried to 'wait it out'... It doesnt work that way. The only way to kill infatuation is NC. I waited for it to die out. Instead he got more and more attached to her. If I'd waited another 6 mos I shudder to even think where we'd have been now. You have to intervene. If you've got the fb chats- print them and force a choice, you or him. Man up. Do not beg, plead or in any way show weakness. Its unattractive to a wayward. You have to go against everything natural and get the upper hand by giving her a choice. YOU or HIM. Period.


I am not one for confrontation. She told me that she is not happy again. I am afraid to bring all all this up for fear she will call it quits and not want to work to repair things. Not sure why I care because the way I am being treating and was treated one year ago has put a BIG hurt on me. 18yrs of marriage!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Confused, there is so much for you to learn. This thread should be moved to the "Coping with Infidelity" section. You'll get plenty of great advice there.

First thing, I'd recommend Shaggy's Option 2 approach. You need to QUIETLY accumulate evidence to find out the extent of her wayward behavior. And yes, even though it hurts for you to hear it, she's been physical with her boyfriends.

Read up on this forum. You'll see that the advice is always to appear strong with your wife. Even though you're crying inside, never show her that. You're solid, decisive, strong. Crying, begging, weeping will never get her back. It will repulse her. She'll see you as weak. 

For now though, gather evidence. Don't confront until you come back here with advice. Don't tell her about this place.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> I am not one for confrontation. She told me that she is not happy again. I am afraid to bring all all this up for fear she will call it quits and not want to work to repair things. Not sure why I care because the way I am being treating and was treated one year ago has put a BIG hurt on me. 18yrs of marriage!


Well then you may as well go hand her over to OM. Im telling you Confused this is were the men are seperated from the boys and the women from the girls. NO ONE WANTS to do this. NO ONE. But the fact is if you want to save your marriage you have NO OTHER OPTION.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Confused, your mindset needs to change now. You come across as weak, pathetic. Sorry, but that's how it appears. The fastest way to lose your marriage is to be non-confrontational. Of course you hope it just goes away. But it won't. I can't remember how many guys has she been involved with? 3? 4? She's having fun. And there have been no consequences. So why should she quit? Right now you're living in an open marriage. You have the choice whether you want to live in an open marriage or not. If the answer is no, then you gotta get "confrontational."

Edit: But be "confrontational" in a calm, yet firm, confident way. Don't scream or yell, don't cry, don't beg, don't be a raving lunatic. Just be a guy who won't tolerate anyone messing with your marriage. That kind of a guy is worthy of respect.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Confused,

I agree that there's a good chance that this already went physical

You may have been exposed to STDs so you need to get tested

Not only has your wife violated her bows to you and has shown she disrespects you, she's also potentially exposed you a death sentence

She's a serial cheater
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I understand your fear about getting tough with her and thinking that will drive her away. Actually getting tough and laying out firm consequence to her will make you look more attractive than ignoring her behavior. You have to tell her, without being emotional and desparate, that you will not put up with her having boyfriends. She'll either pick you or them. If you do nothing then the choice is them. She'll leave you eventually as she continues to bond with her boyfriends. She likes them because they take what they want. Meanwhile you just sit there and do nothing because you're insecure. Girls are repulsed by insecure guys.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Cubby said:


> I understand your fear about getting tough with her and thinking that will drive her away. Actually getting tough and laying out firm consequence to her will make you look more attractive than ignoring her behavior. You have to tell her, without being emotional and desparate, that you will not put up with her having boyfriends. She'll either pick you or them. If you do nothing then the choice is them. She'll leave you eventually as she continues to bond with her boyfriends. She likes them because they take what they want. Meanwhile you just sit there and do nothing because you're insecure. Girls are repulsed by insecure guys.


Ok, that's to the point. You have my attention. I will start laying out a plan of attack. Right now I will have to wait till after the holidays. I have two kids at home and do not want to upset them during the holidays. Meanwhile I will gather more info and write down my approach. How does that sound? Also to complicate things even more, my mother in-law will be here till the end of January. We get along so that won't be an issue. She has read my wife the riot act on many occaisions about how she is treating me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedat42 said:


> Ok, that's to the point. You have my attention. I will start laying out a plan of attack. Right now I will have to wait till after the holidays. I have two kids at home and do not want to upset them during the holidays. Meanwhile I will gather more info and write down my approach. How does that sound? Also to complicate things even more, my mother in-law will be here till the end of January. We get along so that won't be an issue. She has read my wife the riot act on many occaisions about how she is treating me.


You are finding lots of goo reasons to not of anything.

Meanwhile your wife will have more weeks of concat with these other men, If its PA she will be using the holidays as over to get out and hook up. Last minute Xmas shopping, office party, etc right through New Year's Eve when she will be wanting to be with them,

So my advice is to not stick your head down and try to ignite this for the next few weeks. Instead you need to be aggressive to block and deal with this now and everyday or come Jan your wife may be out the door.

First keep track of where she is ll the time for next coupe of weeks. Do not give her any opportunity to meet up. Make sure you are there when she goes out or are in a position to verify where she really is. Essentially c-block the OM. 

Also use this time to increase the amount of personal contact you have with her, and deny her opportunities to text the OM. You could even consider playing dirty by having her phone not work for a few days or so. You know bad battery, charger got lost etc.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Ok, that's to the point. You have my attention. I will start laying out a plan of attack. Right now I will have to wait till after the holidays. I have two kids at home and do not want to upset them during the holidays. Meanwhile I will gather more info and write down my approach. How does that sound? Also to complicate things even more, my mother in-law will be here till the end of January. We get along so that won't be an issue. She has read my wife the riot act on many occaisions about how she is treating me.


When you get more info, make sure you come here and give us a detailed report. Post it in the "Coping with Infidelity" section. Trust me, you'll be amazed at the great advice you'll receive. Some of it will sound counter-intuitive, but if it doesn't work, nothing will. 

Your wife is now in what's called "the fog." Her brain is being bombarded with a chemical called dopamine. It's the feel-good chemical drug users experience. It's highly addictive. She's addicted to her boyfriends. You'll never "nice" her out of it. The boyfriends are new and exciting and she's getting the first date, in-love feeling, which is the dopamine. There's nothing wrong with you except you're old news to her. Not new and exciting. So doing more housework, being more attentive, etc. isn't going to snap her out of it. Only harsh consequences will. And maybe that won't even work. I'm sure you feel like an alien took over her body. That's the fog at work. There's no logic with her, she's only thinking about her next "hit", which is the boyfriends.

Edit: And don't delay. I know you don't want to upset the kids, but don't get confrontational with them around. You've got to move quickly.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The fact she is meeting up with these guy's says it's not an emotional affair, It's a physical affair.
> 
> Well you have two options:
> 
> ...


OK, so to ad more to this I am working two jobs. One full time and one part Time. I work two nights a week and one weekend day or night. There are plenty of opportunities to do anything she wants during the day and on some nights. Yes I will need to man up and gather more info to confront her with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Bring back what you find out. You need help navigating the problem you have. The people here have been through this and know how to deal with this stuff. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can go this alone no one is prepared for this you need help so be smart come back with every new revalation, DO NOT CONFRONT HER until you do this or you will give up your source of info and put her on guard. You don't want that.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

I am starting to finally come to terms with all of this. This has been a emotional journey her the last year. I am feeling that things are going have to come to a head. Texting for about over an hour today with the out of state guy. Going to try and gather my fire power and start a journal. I will keep track of things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Sorry you are here. It sucks but you gotta do what you gotta do. First thing you have to put some spyware on that phone ASAP. Secondly a VAR in her car. that should be a good start and will likely give you the answers you need. AND DO NOT CONFRONT her or tip her off until you get the answers you need. THis will be hard to do but act as normal as possible and find your answers.
> 
> Good luck.


*is there really stuff like spyware for phones? well to normal people like us?*


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

confusedat42 said:


> Ok, that's to the point. You have my attention. I will start laying out a plan of attack. Right now I will have to wait till after the holidays. I have two kids at home and do not want to upset them during the holidays. Meanwhile I will gather more info and write down my approach. How does that sound? Also to complicate things even more, my mother in-law will be here till the end of January. We get along so that won't be an issue.
> 
> She has read my wife the riot act on many occaisions about how she is treating me.
> 
> How is that working for you?


It sounds like you do not get it. 

Are you serious? Are you having us on? How many men will you be sharing your wife with in the next month and a half while you get your schedule straight?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Hi everyone,
> I am new to this site and thought I would try it out. My wife and I were separated last year at this time. We are back together but started having problems again about 2 1/2 months ago. Last year she started texting and being secretive with her phone. Ringer off and face down. I checked the records and found out she was texting all day and night with two separate guys. She went out to meet them and lied about who she was with and where she was. I let these actions go without saying anything to her or that I knew anything. We eventually got back together and things have been great utill about 2-1/2 months ago. I started seeing the same signs again. This time with two different guys. One is a high school friend that lives in another state. The other is local. Again I have been lied to where she was or who she was with. I have seen MANY things that do not make me feel to good. I am very confused about this and don't know what to do.
> Thanks


It's not very confusing confused. Your wife want to live like she's single so you probably should oblige her that as quickly as possible.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

confusedat42 said:


> OK, so to ad more to this I am working two jobs. One full time and one part Time. I work two nights a week and one weekend day or night. There are plenty of opportunities to do anything she wants during the day and on some nights. Yes I will need to man up and gather more info to confront her with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is your objective in gathering more information?

What is your goal? Because you are going to gather some very raw in your face data that is going to show her cheating on you.

What are you going to do with that data? So assuming you will confront her with it. What then?

You know she is a serial cheater. You are hoping it just goes away. What do you expect to happen when you confront? She knows she is cheating now.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

tzokat said:


> *is there really stuff like spyware for phones? well to normal people like us?*


OH YES! Google it or post what kind of phone you have. You can get all kinds of help here or on the net.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> What is your objective in gathering more information?
> 
> What is your goal? Because you are going to gather some very raw in your face data that is going to show her cheating on you.
> 
> ...


She knows it yes, but he needs to be able to prove it when he accusses her so as not to be gaslighted. Have I missed something here Entropy? Maybe I did? Also, I think HE needs to see it to prove it to himself bc he's not convinced and she will be able to sweet talk him right out of this. Again, unless I missed something?


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Well everyone I laid it all out there. No arguing at all. She listened and proceeded to tell me that when we talk two weeks ago she was done with things. So this doen't change things. Not sure she will do anything different. I feel much better that it is out in the open. I finally know where I stand and it's time to find someone who wants me for better or for worse. After the holidays we are going to sit down and make a plan. UGH!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Well everyone I laid it all out there. No arguing at all. She listened and proceeded to tell me that when we talk two weeks ago she was done with things. So this doen't change things. Not sure she will do anything different. I feel much better that it is out in the open. I finally know where I stand and it's time to find someone who wants me for better or for worse. After the holidays we are going to sit down and make a plan. UGH!


So sorry Confused. So did she admit to the A?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I suspected from your very first post and still think that your wife checked out of the marriage. I don't think she's confused or on the fence or in any kind of fog. I think she wants to be single and that you're keeping her from that.

It's possible that tactics like 180, etc will change how she looks at you and what she wants but that vibe is just not coming across. She's actively trying to hook up with multiple guys. It's not the MO for a recoverable marriage to me.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Oh my. I suspect that what your wife is doing involves much more than emotions! I would do a couple of things that have already been mentioned. First...go into detective mode. Do NOT give any evidence or information away at this time. Do not tip her off that you are looking for evidence. DO NOT. Get a voice activated recorder and put it in her car. Get some kind of tracking device on her phone . Dont tip your hand until you have solid evidence one way or another that she is not involved physically.
In the mean time....just do Christmas. Get through the holidays and don't let on that you think anything is up. Just get through it.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> So sorry Confused. So did she admit to the A?


The only thing she admitted was having coffee in the mornings. I called her this morning from work and told her how betrayed and hurt and PISSED off I am. I asked how would she approach the situation if rolls were reversed. She didn't have an answer. I said this needed to stop and she needs to wake up and get out of the clouds. She called me back an hr. later and told me she heard everything I had said lound and clear and will make changes. Stil don't think that will repair our future together but I at least feel good abot not sitting around and finally sticking up for myself. FEELS GOOD!


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> The only thing she admitted was having coffee in the mornings. I called her this morning from work and told her how betrayed and hurt and PISSED off I am. I asked how would she approach the situation if rolls were reversed. She didn't have an answer. I said this needed to stop and she needs to wake up and get out of the clouds. She called me back an hr. later and told me she heard everything I had said lound and clear and will make changes. Stil don't think that will repair our future together but I at least feel good abot not sitting around and finally sticking up for myself. FEELS GOOD!


Didn't change anything. Still texts during the day to the one out of state. and One phone call this morning to the local guy. WTF! No F-ING respect for someone who has been with her through thick and thin for 20yrs.


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