# My wife is more sexperienced then me



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

Hello guys. I created some post in another section here, but since there is so many woman there, I want some advices from man angle.

In short, my wife had more guys then me, and I think I have a problem with that now. Here is the original post:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...lost-respect-my-wife-considering-divorce.html

You can read my first and posts #49 and #52, if you don't have time to read it all. It should give you some details about what troubles me.

Is there someone with similar experiences, and how did you sort things out eventualy?

I want to note that in most of my childhood my father wasn't around, he had job in another city, so I saw him once or twice a month, basicaly my mother raised me, and I believe I need advice from some real men here.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

So what if shes more experianced!

Maybe she can show you a thing or two. 

Just be loving asks her what she likes and tell her what you like.

Don't let this silly notion of measuring up to former partners get in your head. She chose you not them!


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

I read this on some other forum:

"I think women are always going to have more relationship experience because they start forming close friendships early in life and tend to have more close friends than most men. Females will *** on forever about all their personal issues, hopes, and dreams while when most men get together, they play, watch, or attend things like sports, or video games."

I think this is true, since I was like this, I hanged out with guys, sit home and playing video games, while some other smarter guys go out and be with girls. Was it too early for me to get married, I am 31, and most time of my twenties I was chasing career? Is it better if you have more experience before settling down, how does it end if man like me go in marriage, can I be a good husband and can I stop thinking about all of this that disturbs me?


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sure you can be a good husband. As soon as you quit obsessing about stuff like this.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The FIRST thing you can quit doing is attacking your wife's character by continually throwing her PAST in her face.

She could have lied to you about her past, and the decisions she made in order to be in certain relationships. She chose to be *honest *about it with you, and her reward for that is your continued shaming of her and putting her in a position where she has to defend herself, as though she did something personally to YOU. 

It's not your wife's fault that you CHOSE to hang out with your nerdy 'playmates' and played video games in your spare time when you were younger, instead of getting out and meeting girls (I'm SO picturing that probably looked like the 4 guys on Big Bang Theory sitting around playing their nerd games). That would be YOUR fault.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

You are experiencing what is known in the psych world as Retroactive Jealousy. It is a type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). 

Seek professional help with a psychotherapist if you truly want to fix yourself. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

I think this is Men's Clubhouse? And I think I said I want some thoughts from men? 

I stopped attacking my wife, I sorted my thoughts as I could, I identified the problems because at first I wasn't sure what troubles me, and now when I now, I want to see how to get over this.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

nos said:


> I think this is Men's Clubhouse? And I think I said I want some thoughts from men?


Ok. I showed my husband your post. He says you have Retroactive Jealousy.



> I stopped attacking my wife, I sorted my thoughts as I could, I identified the problems because at first I wasn't sure what troubles me, and now when I now, *I want to see how to get over this*.


This is not something you can just wish away. You're going to need to get professional help. As I said earlier, what you are suffering is a form of OCD.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nos said:


> I think this is Men's Clubhouse? And I think I said I want some thoughts from men?
> 
> I stopped attacking my wife, I sorted my thoughts as I could, I identified the problems because at first I wasn't sure what troubles me, and now when I now, I want to see how to get over this.


There is nothing your wife can do about her past.
There is nothing your wife can do about her past.
There is nothing your wife can do about her past.
If you can't or won't understand or at least accept this then you will never be happy.
The ball is in your court.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

How do you get over it? 

You think about how silly you have been, getting all worked up over her past life. You acknowledge that she has Shang ed from that past since she has been with you, and then you make the conscious decision to accept the new person who is your wife.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

nos said:


> Hello guys. I created some post in another section here, but since there is so many woman there, I want some advices from man angle.
> 
> In short, my wife had more guys then me, and I think I have a problem with that now. Here is the original post:
> 
> ...



The only reason it matters is because of some attitude that you are harboring. It is not due to her attitudes or behavior. See if you can connect your disappointment/bother with some age-old belief you have from childhood, for instance, and ask yourself now if you wouldn't be better off by abandoning that belief.

As for the circumstances...you're not 18 and 20, so it's not uncommon for either of you to have a fair amount of experience. Depending on family attitudes about sex, people's behavior around it varies a lot. If it was one of those things that was spoken of with great import and fear, then it's not unusual for a person to fear it, delay it, but once tasting it, wants to try all flavors. That was me, but I never had the golden touch with women, so by age 25, I'd had but four, and then developed an LTR with one of them which, in retrospect, got me stuck...although her increasing anger did teach me the patience of Job.

I split from her around age 34 and got active again...and learned something new. When dating a woman who'd been married, and he'd been the ONLY one...her entire view of sex, how to engage with a man, how to please a man - were his. She had developed no real awareness. She assumed whatever the ex liked, I'd like. And trying to get such a woman to realize not all men are the same was difficult. So, I much preferred the experienced - highly - woman. Given my relatively low experience for my age, I actually sought it.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

nos said:


> I read this on some other forum:
> 
> "I think women are always going to have more relationship experience because they start forming close friendships early in life and tend to have more close friends than most men. Females will *** on forever about all their personal issues, hopes, and dreams while when most men get together, they play, watch, or attend things like sports, or video games."
> 
> I think this is true, since I was like this, I hanged out with guys, sit home and playing video games, while some other smarter guys go out and be with girls. Was it too early for me to get married, I am 31, and most time of my twenties I was chasing career? Is it better if you have more experience before settling down, how does it end if man like me go in marriage, can I be a good husband and can I stop thinking about all of this that disturbs me?


The problem with such generalizations is that they are not true for everybody. But we teach them as if they are true 100%. So, for instance, I'm one of those guys who never watched sports or cared at all about competitive games...so when I encounter women, they attempt to communicate with guys through the compeititive/sports nature - and it doesn't work for me and they end up thinking I'm broken/weird/goofy. And, not all women go on forever about their personal issues, hopes and dreams...my wife, for instance, does go on forever, but it's a mish-mash of disconnected recollections from past damage from the family, but with not one emotion expressed and never a discussion of hopes/dreams...she's dead, practically. And no relationship book has helped me communicate with her.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

My ex had a lot more experience. Our divorce stemmed from other issues, but I didn't have a problem with it. I mean, I had the occasional bad mental picture as I was going down on her in the beginning or whatnot, but dude, you gotta let it go.

Now, I don't condone any lying in a relationship, ever. However, if you were this friggin uptight originally no wonder she lied to you. You have to just accept life and move on. Maybe that's hard for you, but you'll never be happy if someone else's past is ruining your future.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> Ok. I showed my husband your post. He says you have Retroactive Jealousy.


:rofl:


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You are afraid that you won't live up. That is really what's going on. 

Why not compete. You can't be the only one, so why not try being the best one. Get adventurous. Try really hard to satisfy her.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

nos said:


> I think this is Men's Clubhouse? And I think I said I want some thoughts from men?


A word of advice, it doesn't work that way! 

You post on TAM, you'll get replies. From Men. From Women. In any section of the board.


Now, a mans answer.

I can relate, to you and her. When I met M'Lady, I had had a total of ONE girlfriend, and a ONS (one night stand) to my credit.

My Lady had had a LOT more. Relationships, and ONS's. 

It took me a while to reconcile myself to our differences in past loves, and experience. A long while.

And, like you, i struggled with it. And it DID come out as a feeling of inadequacy, insecurity. How could I possibly match up to someone so 'experienced'?!

BUT, eventually, as you seem to have suggested in your previous thread, those previous 'relationships' of hers weren't actually something to have feared. Not particularly meaningful, deep, loving. 

Staying the course, showing her that OUR relationship was NOT what she had had before, that THIS was something both she, and I, could enjoy and endure, made ours the ONLY relationship that mattered.

26 years later, it still is! 

And I continue to show her new idea's, new... experiences all the time. >


Your choice is relatively simple. Decide that YOU are the man for her. Now, in THIS time. Or drown under the imagined 'better' men from her past.

BUT, you won't find the answer, the path, from her. As the issues lies, it seems in your own head. In your own insecurities. YOU have to find the solution to overcome these fears.

You lady, though, can help you. Talk to her, expose your fears. Be vulnerable. Far from appearing weak, asking for help, from her, will make you more appealing in her eyes. Too often we men, fall into the trap of thinking we have to figure it out ourselves. NOT to ask for help, from our ladies. 

Pro tip: THEY HATE IT! They aren't stupid. They intuit in ways we will never understand. And they know when they're being shut out, when you're struggling. 

And seek help. Professional help. If you're hung up on the cost, or the appearance of being 'weak', consider the cost of what you have to lose if you DON'T get this brainworm out of your head.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You have really two options as to how to deal with this. You can accept the past as the past or you can make the past a part of your present and future. Time is linear, therefore the past cannot repeat/be repeated without our intervention. Our ability to remember is what makes the past problematic in situations. You have called your W insecure and stupid and indicated that she lacks(ed) self respect and dignity.

This is past behavior and if she has grown as a person then it is you attributing past characteristics to present day her. This is counterintuitive. She is who she is now and you and she can grow and become closer or you can reintroduce that which is done and over and reinforce in her the feelings of insecurity that you find so distasteful. It is difficult because of society's programing of the male psyche but, in reality, you have "won the competition" in that she chose and married you.

Do not let the past mold and shape your future negatively. Use the past as a tool to constantly better yourself and allow her to do the same. In reality sex accounts for a very small portion of a person's life, some less than others, but still proportionally small. Do not exaggerate its importance and allow it to destroy the larger, more important aspects of your relationship. I suggest you let the past remain in the past and focus on how to build a future together.

I fear that this topic is masking something deeper. You mentioned that your W is not a beauty but that you love her and therefore see her inner beauty. If this is so then why would you continue to bring up the past? Are you sure your remorse is not due to feeling that you "settled"?

Lastly, regarding you not engaging in ONSs, have you ever really thought through what exactly you feel you may have missed? Again, such a proportionately small amount of time consuming such a disproportionately large portion of your thought process. It is counterproductive to expend such energy on something so insignificant and unchangeable. Accept the here and now and use the past only for the benefit of making the future better. Good fortune.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Why don't you just go back into your past & tell your former nerdy self to quit playing video games & go f some girls? You have as much chance of that as your wife changing her past.

Focus, but don't fixate, an effing her brains out. Different positions, different hotel hot tubs, etc, etc, etc. 

Sex forms a bond between 2 people. Work on making that stronger.


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

DayOne said:


> I can relate, to you and her. When I met M'Lady, I had had a total of ONE girlfriend, and a ONS (one night stand) to my credit.
> 
> My Lady had had a LOT more. Relationships, and ONS's.
> 
> ...


Ok, this is some constructive advice, what I am looking for here, someone with same experience who get over it. When you say that I can't change the past, I know that, I am not stupid, it doesn't really help.

I don't have a fear that I can't match up for her. I don't have fears that she loved them more or something, after time I get over it, but I did have them in the begining, because she wasnt too emotionaly available, she was afraid to let herself to be involved emotionaly. Eventualy I get to her, and showed her what love is, what she didn't experienced before.

Also in the begining, she told me that we have best sex she ever had, I know she didn't lied me there, because it was really good, and her best girl friend also showed me messages my wife sent her backthen, after I was talking with her about us, and how to get to her emotionaly. I am not insecure in myself about that at all.

I do have fears that my wife moral values are not the same as mine. But I guess that people can change, and learn from their mistakes. I guess that she didn't know what she really wants, thats why she was doing all of that, trying to find herself.

On the other hand I knew what I want, I wanted normal romantic relationship. When I saw that some girl can't ofer me that, I didn't wanted to continue with her. I consider myself good looking, I was going to gym, and often girls approached me first. I didn't have issues to approach to girl, i had self confidence almost all the time.

I don't know does all of this make sense. Could the real issue be this. You are way more experienced than me, so maybe you can give me good advice. I work as a freelance programmer. I work from home, and we spend almost all the day together. Am I just bored with her here, is that the only real problem I have here? I am looking now for full time job, to go outside from house, and see how things will work then. Maybe if I give myself time to miss her, maybe then I won't think about all this nonsence?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There is a saying that is particularly apt in your case.Familiarity breeds contempt.You are maybe spending too much time with your wife and you seem to be looking for any excuse to fight with her.
Obviously I don't know your living situation but as you work from home it may be advisable to try and separate your work environment from your daily life.Maybe you could set up a home office but whatever you do you need to spend time every day where you both are not under each other's feet.It may be advisable to look for another job.


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> I fear that this topic is masking something deeper. You mentioned that your W is not a beauty but that you love her and therefore see her inner beauty. If this is so then why would you continue to bring up the past? *Are you sure your remorse is not due to feeling that you "settled"?*


Ok, maybe I am afraid to say this out loud. I was afraid that you don't crucify me here, and wanted someone other to say this instead of me.

I know that I hurt her with those argues, but I don't want to really hurt her, I know that she loves me, and that I am the whole world to her, she said it to me, and her friends told it to me couple of times we had some fights. Maybe I just don't have this feeling yet. I don't want regret later, and I want to give more time to myself to try to accept the fact that this I really settled.

Here is the main fact why I don't just want to leave her. I didn't wanted to say this, because I wanted to find some other issue, but since I can't, and I think this is the main one, which triggers all other issues I have, I am not sure that she is the one with who I want to spend rest of my life, but...

We have a son. We got married because she was preagnant. Back then I thought I was doing the real thing, but now I am not so sure. He is the whole world to me, the reason why I breathe. I grew up without my father, and I don't want to do the same thing to him. Her parents live in another city, 120 miles away, and if we divorce, she will get back to them. I don't want to lose him.

I know that you will crucify me now. I just don't know what to do. If I leave my wife, I will also lose my son. I don't want that. This is why I am still with her. I know that I am hurting her, I hate my self because of this, I am not a bad man, I struggle with my self, and 

I will now definitely look for proffesional help, I don't see other way. I will give my self more time, try not to hurt her, but I don't know in the end, if things don't get any better, it is best for everyone for us to split. Is it better for child to have divorced parents, or to live with father who is ****ed up like I am?


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

I will seek professional help, there is no other way out of this.

Sorry for all missleading I gave here, I tryed to find some other reasons for my behaviour and all those bad thoughts, but it just looks like that I am really ****ed up. This is not about me or her at all, there is much bigger stakes here, a childs future. It was way too selfish of me for thinking of only myself. I guess I need to grow up.

I will talk to my wife, we will need to go to marriage councelor definitely.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

nos said:


> I will now definitely look for professional help, I don't see other way. I will give myself more time, try not to hurt her, but I don't know in the end, if things don't get any better, it is best for everyone for us to split. Is it better for child to have divorced parents, or to live with father who is ****ed up like I am?


I would highly recommend this, at this point. It's clear you're struggling, getting lost in your own mind. Which leads to a very dark place.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My first thought when I started reading your post was you found a woman who rocked your clock sexually because of her experience, you mistook lust for love and married her. Than for the very reason you married her you started regretting it. 

But now we have more info...

What I see is a guy desperately trying to justify divorcing his wife. Maybe you married for all the wrong reasons, maybe things have happened since you married that have changed everything. Regardless you really don't need a reason to divorce other than knowing marriage was a mistake. If you don't love and respect your wife the marriage will never work, and raising a kid in that kind of family dynamics will not be good for anyone. 

You won't "lose" your son if you divorce...unless you quit trying to be a dad, but you will have to work at it harder. Try some counseling to make sure you're thinking straight, maybe even couples therapy as well if needed, but in the end it's better to divorce than live everyday unhappily married.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

nos said:


> Ok, maybe I am afraid to say this out loud. I was afraid that you don't crucify me here, and wanted someone other to say this instead of me.
> 
> I know that I hurt her with those argues, but I don't want to really hurt her, I know that she loves me, and that I am the whole world to her, she said it to me, and her friends told it to me couple of times we had some fights. Maybe I just don't have this feeling yet. I don't want regret later, and I want to give more time to myself to try to accept the fact that this I really settled.
> 
> ...


And now some truth.

OP, can you define love? It is an ambiguous term at best and has as many definitions as there are people. You have the responsibility of a son and now a wife which you must now accept. You must stop thinking of yourself as "trapped" and look at it from a different perspective, as in you are blessed. You have what many people strive for. So, instead of thinking of all you may have missed try thinking of how much you have and how much more is to come. Assuming your wife genuinely cares for you then you have the foundation on which to build a family and the gratification of that will far outweigh any perceived "missed" opportunities.

You are now responsible for another man and make no mistake he will see and emulate you. Take this opportunity to be the father to him that you did not have and do not just do it, actually feel it, live it. Make your family great, you can if you reevaluate your situation and see how fortunate you really are as opposed to how confined and limited your new life is. There is a world of new experience awaiting you as a father and husband, make the best of it. Do not mourn what you think you have lost but rather embrace what you have and what is to come.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I personally don't understand being bothered by how many men she's slept with. I don't ask women that I date how many guys they've been with, because I just don't care. Instead I simply care that I am having really good sex with them. So instead of focusing on another person's past (which can't be changed) I focus on the present and make sure it is an enjoyable relationship. Maybe you can try to focus on the present and future instead of the past?


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

nos,

A bigger question is do you know the identities of the people she was with before and would/do you know if they are still connected to your W via. social media or tried to reconnect to your W.

One thing is certain once a person has had sex with someone there is no going back to being friends, the group of people from her past will remain a threat to your marriage. 

It's not that we live in the past, but that the past lives in us.

Tamat


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

sokillme said:


> You are afraid that you won't live up. That is really what's going on. Try really hard to satisfy her.


Meaning the more a woman sleeps around, the harder the first man to actually respect her should work to satisfy her? Ridiculous. And the more promiscuous she is, the better the man she'll get at the end of it? Because the best men always commit to the most promiscuous women while the desperate/clueless chumps get their pick of the virgins because that is all that's 'left'.

No. He payed for the cow that the others milked for free and he sussed it too late.

And if it could possibly get more ridiculous, it's suggested if he'd jumped from one meaningless encounter to another, he'd somehow be elevated to her "status".

Laughable. Seriously. Laughable.

This is not the advice I would give to my son and daughter.


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> I personally don't understand being bothered by how many men she's slept with. I don't ask women that I date how many guys they've been with, because I just don't care. Instead I simply care that I am having really good sex with them. So instead of focusing on another person's past (which can't be changed) I focus on the present and make sure it is an enjoyable relationship. Maybe you can try to focus on the present and future instead of the past?


No one vets for a ONS, dude.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I do not think your feelings are invalid, OP. The hypocrisy in some folks who have no problem when a person says they prefer a partner with more experience but deride a person who says they prefer a partner with less experience in foolish. Your feelings are valid and let no one in this forum or out make you feel like they are not, or make you feel foolish for having them.

The problem really is, if you already knew she was more experienced than you, why did you marry her? See, if you want to leave her now I will call you a scumbag for marrying her, making her fall for you, to now drop her because of a problem that was not hidden from you when you decided to marry her. You will now break her heart because of your foolishness and your unstable behaviour. That is wrong.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think different people are wired differently about this. 

A long ago girlfriend was MUCH more experienced than I was - I was a virgin when we met. It was great - she was experienced because she really enjoyed sex and we had a wonderful time together. I knew some of the guys she had slept with before and we were still friends. Our finally breaking up (on very good terms) had nothing to do with her experience, but just different long term plans in life (kids etc). We are still in contact on FB.

She has told me I was the best she ever had. Obviously a lie, but its sweet of her to tell me that, and we did have a really good time together.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

TAM2013 said:


> No one vets for a ONS, dude.


I'm not sure the relevance of this comment. No one was talking about ONS.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Op I might have read your other post but I didn't this time and don't need to.

First, I would have issues with a woman more experienced than me, and not because I'm insecure or anything like that. It's much more nuanced than that and involves character and moral issues. How many partners and context would be critically important to me. I would have no interest in marrying a woman who slept around outside a committed relationship. My college aged boys are the same way - though I have always kept silent on this issue and in fact raised then to expect that others may not share their sexual values and that's ok and they may make great partners. But in spite of what I've always taught them (to be open), they are very particular about who they date and filter out (and maintain as good friends) girls that aren't. It's not judgement about the person - it's honest assessment about choices they make and honest assessment of the choices you want to make.

Now... in my youth... I might have had sex with one of those girls if she aggressively pursued me. So I also get how one becomes an "accidental" father. And I agree it's important to either have an abortion or support any kids you bring into the world.

But that's it - it's ok to leave the woman if she isn't really a match in ways that you can not get past. Viva la difference, non?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

nos said:


> In short, my wife had more guys then me, and I think I have a problem with that now.


Just how many guys have you had? If the number is more than zero, I think it's your wife who is going to have a problem with it.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

TAM2013 said:


> Meaning the more a woman sleeps around, the harder the first man to actually respect her should work to satisfy her? Ridiculous. And the more promiscuous she is, the better the man she'll get at the end of it? Because the best men always commit to the most promiscuous women while the desperate/clueless chumps get their pick of the virgins because that is all that's 'left'.
> 
> No. He payed for the cow that the others milked for free and he sussed it too late.
> 
> ...


I came here to post this, but I found you had already said it.

The idea that somehow he'd feel better if he'd *****'d around as much or more than his wife is ridiculous. And he's the one accused of being abusive? You people saying this need your heads examined.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear nos;

The past is the past. You asked her to marry you for a reason. She agreed to marry you for a reason. She didn't marry any of those other guys, she choose you as her husband.

Look, you could have married a virgin who has horrible sexual hang-ups and been on this forum complaining about a woman who was just clueless when it came to sex.

Start looking at her past as something positive. Look at it as her sharing things with you that you would have never known. That she loves you and she make a very informed decision when she decided that you were going to be her husband and exclusive sex partner for the rest of her life.

Good luck.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The FIRST thing you can quit doing is attacking your wife's character by continually throwing her PAST in her face.
> 
> She could have lied to you about her past, and the decisions she made in order to be in certain relationships. She chose to be *honest *about it with you, and her reward for that is your continued shaming of her and putting her in a position where she has to defend herself, as though she did something personally to YOU.
> 
> It's not your wife's fault that you CHOSE to hang out with your nerdy 'playmates' and played video games in your spare time when you were younger, instead of getting out and meeting girls (I'm SO picturing that probably looked like the 4 guys on Big Bang Theory sitting around playing their nerd games). That would be YOUR fault.


 @She'sStillGotIt What's up with the vitriol and condescending attitude toward everyone? You can offer constructive criticism without being mean.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Jayg14 said:


> What's up with the vitriol and condescending attitude toward everyone? You can offer constructive criticism without being mean.




A lot of people with promiscuous pasts don't want to be judged for it and lash out.

On the other hand we have a lot of "sexperienced" people who are completely ok with who they are and their sexuality.

I'm always amused by folks who act one way for a good period of their lives, then change and expect everyone else to ignore their past. This isn't limited to sexuality. Personally I say own who you are and were, apologize if you changed because you didn't like who you were or be ok with your past if you just changed due to the passage of time.

Too much hate and vitriol though IMO

[caveat: I've gotten the C diagnosis so I try not to sweat the small stuff and live and let live] 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ok....ok.....ok

Let me see if i got this straight.

The only reason you feel like leaving is because you wife had more sex pertners than you. The rest of your marriage is good or even better than good, sex good? Like spending time together? No crazy spending habits, no substance abuse? Your still attracted to her?

But damn shes had more partners than you ........... yep you better divorce her!


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Nobodys perfect! If this is the only wart she has then your one lucky bastard!


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> A lot of people with promiscuous pasts don't want to be judged for it and lash out.
> 
> On the other hand we have a lot of "sexperienced" people who are completely ok with who they are and their sexuality.
> 
> ...


My post about vitriol was directed @She'sStillGotIt, who is vitriolic on almost every post she makes.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

nos said:


> Hello guys. I created some post in another section here, but since there is so many woman there, I want some advices from man angle.
> 
> In short, my wife had more guys then me, and I think I have a problem with that now. Here is the original post:
> 
> ...




We all have a sexual past, many partners and aren't proud of everything we've done.

If her having many sexual relationships was a no - no for you, you shouldn't of got involved with her but you can't blame her for things she's done in her past before she got involved with you. Same goes for you as well.

I see it this way. She has more sexual experiences and relationships, so she has more to offer you and in the bedroom.

She obviously enjoys sex and that's a good thing. Read all the posts on TAM about LD spouses.......

Be happy, maybe get some help and rock her world. Flowers, cards, surprise dinners, back massages, cuddles on the couch watching movies, weekend get away, etc.

I see nothing wrong with the lady you are involved with. Be very grateful and enjoy.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jayg14 said:


> My post about vitriol was directed @She'sStillGotIt, who is vitriolic on almost every post she makes.


If you do not like what some other users posts, then use the report button. Report the posts. The moderators will determine if the user needs a talking to, a ban, or whatever.

DO NOT call out another poster the way you are calling her out. You can end up being talked to, banned or whatever because you are basically stalking her an calling her out.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jayg14 said:


> My post about vitriol was directed @*She'sStillGotIt*, who is vitriolic on almost every post she makes.


....and your point would be...? :grin2:


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

Cooper said:


> My first thought when I started reading your post was you found a woman who rocked your clock sexually because of her experience, you mistook lust for love and married her. Than for the very reason you married her you started regretting it.


First let me get just one thing straight. I don't mind she just having more partners then me. There is no much problems in numbers, I had 3 girls, she had 6 guys. That is not a big difference. The problem is in the kind of relationship she had. 3 of them were nothing else than sex. She was with one older guy who can be her father, when she was in college, it ended the way it was only sex because she wanted to hide with him, although all of her friends disapproved it. Later he didn't wanted for him to be his girlfriend, she thinks it was because he was hurt for she not wanting it at the begining. And it continued that way for some time. And she was with some guy for 18 months, and he said he don't want a girlfriend, just sex. She was hurt with that relationship, she wanted something more all the time, but also I think that she enjoyed the both of them the way they was because she has a high libido.

She didn't rocked my world with her experience. She rocked it with her high libido, we could just stay in appartment for 6 hours and have sex, for 5 days in a row.

Now, when I look at that time, when I had problems with those things, when I was dissapointed with her, and when I wanted to talk about it, to clear things, she didn't really wanted to talk and argue about that. In the end of every try to talk with her, we just had wild sex again. And yes, maybe I did misunderstood lust and love. I see that now. She loved me, but she used a wrong ways to make me love her. When I start to argue, she just hug me and says I love you, I love you, I love you, and a minute later she was on me taking her dress of and saying **** me. Or she would get on her knees and giving me a bj. Or she was laying down saying "rip off my panties". After she had orgasm, she would started crying, huging me and saying she love me. You can see now how condom broke.

Before she got pregnant, I even broke up with her twice because I was strugling with her past relationship, but after few days she would call me crying, saying that she loves me, we would see each other, and you can guess how it finished. I took responsibility for making her pregnant, I did loved her, but deep down I know that we would eventualy broke up if things wasnt like this.

Later, in pregnancy, and after labor, up until now, whe hardly had any sex. After labor we didn't had sex for half a year, and now it is finaly getting back in normal, we sometimes have sex once or twice a week. I know that is normal, and I tryed really hard to understand that. You know that sometimes partners who are together for several years have a problem with sex after child, it made them for us who were in such a young relationship.

Now I struggle with my self, I do love my wife, I do love my son, I know that she is deeply sorry for what she did in her past relationships, but still they hurt me. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I made a mistake for not leaving her before she got pregnant, but I need to take consequences for my actions. Our child deserves it. I am trying now not to think about it, to not regret for what I missed in life, and to be a good husband and father. I enjoy my son smile, I am trying not to make my wife feel bad, but to show her love. I will give my self time to trully fall in love in my wife, nonetheless of her past, she has some other really good qualities, and I should stop looking in the bad one beside all of good ones. 

At least I know that she tryed everything, and that she know now what she wants, that she would not cheat on me. She is really great mother to our child. Maybe when her libido get back to normal it would be better, I don't know, maybe I just miss that wild sex we had back then, that girl I fall in love with.

The only true issue is in my head, and I need to sort things with myself, I need to grow up here. There was trully some constructive criticism here which helped me to see some things clearly, and thank you for that, it helped a lot. I will give myself more time, to evolve this relationship in somethig better, I will not rush my self into decisions, but in the end, if I trully can't get over it, it is best for us and for our child to split.


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Be happy, maybe get some help and rock her world. Flowers, cards, surprise dinners, back massages, cuddles on the couch watching movies, weekend get away, etc.
> 
> I see nothing wrong with the lady you are involved with. Be very grateful and enjoy.


I am doing this now last 3-4 days, I try to be a better husband, I am giving her some attention that I stopped, and I can see that she is happy with it, and in that makes me happy. I guess that I have some kind of depression which triggers my anger, but now as I am happier, I am not distirbed with her past as I ussed to be.

As they say - happy wife happy life happy husband. And I will find a job outside, so I am not at home all the day with her, it is bad for both of us. We don't have a time to miss each other.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nos said:


> First let me get just one thing straight. I don't mind she just having more partners then me. There is no much problems in numbers, I had 3 girls, she had 6 guys. That is not a big difference. The problem is in the kind of relationship she had. 3 of them were nothing else than sex. She was with one older guy who can be her father, when she was in college, it ended the way it was only sex because she wanted to hide with him, although all of her friends disapproved it. Later he didn't wanted for him to be his girlfriend, she thinks it was because he was hurt for she not wanting it at the begining. And it continued that way for some time. And she was with some guy for 18 months, and he said he don't want a girlfriend, just sex. She was hurt with that relationship, she wanted something more all the time, but also I think that she enjoyed the both of them the way they was because she has a high libido.
> 
> She didn't rocked my world with her experience. She rocked it with her high libido, we could just stay in appartment for 6 hours and have sex, for 5 days in a row.
> 
> ...


Let me tell you something  my friend,six previous partners is not a high number in this day and age.Your wife has been completely open and honest with you (maybe too honest) and you are making her feel guilty about something she can do absolutely nothing about.Why have you been thinking she would cheat on you,she hasn't cheated on anyone before.Your problems are all solvable if you want them to be but do you?


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OK, try to look at her past relationships from a young girls perspective. 

First off sex is fun correct? Everybody wants to have sex, especially when you're young and your hormones are raging. She meets a guy and likes the guy, she is attracted to the guy and wants him for a boyfriend, but he only comes around for sex. So she keeps having sex with him, why not? She likes it, he likes it, and she hopes that over time he will want more than just sex. She liked the sex but was also using it as a tool to keep the guy coming back hoping it would turn into a relationship. Honestly that is just a misguided youth learning about life. 

Let me ask you this OP. When you were twenty years old didn't you want to have sex all the time? Wouldn't you have been thrilled to have some woman who wanted to come over every night for sex? Would you have did the same as your wife given the opportunity?

One other thing I want to say is people have a tendency to over dramatize and obsess. I think you are caught in this mental trap right now, you know in reality what she did was not that big a deal, yet you can't let it go. I suspect something triggered these thoughts and that's what needs to be dealt with because there's no chance of changing her past. You love her and said she's a great mom, don't self destruct your life. Talk talk talk this out, with your wife, with a friend, with a family member, or with a therapist. As you admit she did nothing truly wrong, the issue is you obsessing about the past.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Bananapeel said:


> I personally don't understand being bothered by how many men she's slept with. I don't ask women that I date how many guys they've been with, because I just don't care. Instead I simply care that I am having really good sex with them. So instead of focusing on another person's past (which can't be changed) I focus on the present and make sure it is an enjoyable relationship. Maybe you can try to focus on the present and future instead of the past?


My opinion - it's rarely the number of people one has been with that's the real issue, or even sex in general. It's really the experiences one has had in relation to one's partner. A similar jealousy can be attributed to virtually anything, if the balance is off somewhere.

Case in point, I've been married twice. This used to bother my (current) wife, as I was her first marriage. For her, she is my second wife, and she always will be. It's not easy to be someone's second spouse when you're their first.

I'm also fairly well-travelled, and my wife is not. I want to share a lot of the places I've been with her, but she'd much rather go to places neither of us have gone before. She'd rather create our own memories. She knows all of the places I've travelled before, and many of them were with my ex wife.

And in reverse, she's far more experienced relationship-wise and sexually than I am, so there's not a lot of new experiences we can share together in that regard. There are things I've never experienced or tried before, and she already knows she doesn't like them, for example. And the things she IS into, that were new to me - well, she obviously figured out she liked them with someone else. Oh well. Sucks for me, but it is what it is.

But that's adulthood. Sometimes you have to reach to find something neither of you have experienced before, in order to create your own memories.


----------



## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

nos said:


> As they say - happy wife happy life.


I nearly sick up when I hear this.



inmyprime said:


> (Funny how the reporting goes through the roof when it's about gender-specific issues)


I like what ShesStillGotIt posts. But unfortunately, I miss half of it while I'm banned 50% of the time for posting with similar vigor from a male perspective.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> She has told me I was the best she ever had. Obviously a lie, but its sweet of her to tell me that, and we did have a really good time together.


Off topic, but why is it obviously a lie? Because she's had lots of partners before and since, so there's no way in your mind you could possibly have been the best?

Duuude... you and I are so similar in so many ways (similar issues, same wife practically) but this mindset is a killer. It's also one I had always been susceptible to.

My problem was always that I analyze things (OVER analyze...), so when somebody paid me a compliment, I never just took it, and said 'thanks'. I would always start thinking about WHY that person said that, and arrive at the conclusion that they were just being nice, didn't really mean it, felt sorry for me, whatever.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@nos you are not really explaining the exact issues that are going here. 

1. You want more sex with your wife. You want it more than once a week. 

2. You get rejected and lash out by being felt inferior because she happily gave her exes nothing but sex but cannot do the same for you. 

Yet you fail to understand that your wife didn't have children with these men and didn't have responsibilities at the time. 

You keep talking about the past but it's actually the present which is bothering you. If your wife didn't reject your advances for sex and initiated more, well you wouldn't care less about her past. Is that correct? 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear nos;
> 
> The past is the past. You asked her to marry you for a reason. She agreed to marry you for a reason. She didn't marry any of those other guys, she choose you as her husband.
> 
> ...


The OP has stated his reason for marrying in post #21. She became pregnant and he is now unsure if she is the "right" woman for him. He feels trapped in a marriage and feels he has "settled" due to his child. We seem to be either missing this fact or ignoring it for purposes I fail to comprehend. Her past experiences is a straw he grasped when looking for reasons to go find what he has missed.

OP, what exactly have you missed in your estimation? More women, better women, taller women, shorter women? What exactly. I can assure you that there are a large number of people that would trade places with you in an instant. Your W is multi-orgasmic, has an incredibly high libido, that may or may not fully return after childbirth by the way, she provides you fellatio, goes for 6 hours at a time, has orgasms if you tear her panties off, treats you well, is a good mother and wife, has integrity and loyality and often hugs you and cries while saying "I love you" repeatedly. What is it that you could possibly think you are missing?

Is it that she is too easy. Let me relate a story from my past. I had an uncle that very much enjoyed to fish for Bass. I never did much of that growing up as my father was too busy and always working but I digress. My uncle offered to take me and show me how to fish for bass and I happily agreed. My first encounter was quite a learning experience and I caught a few small fish. I was busy with a young family at the time so I did not have a lot of opportunity to go fishing but I carried a pole and tackle in my work truck just in case I happened upon a lake and had a few minutes to kill. Over the next few months I had a couple of occasions to wet my line. It was on possibly my third or fourth time and only on my second cast that the water exploded at my top water plug and I reared back on the pole and began to reel. I landed what was approximately a 10-11 pound monster. I admired the fish and tossed it back in the lake. It was too easy.

On only my third or fourth trip and only my second cast? I assumed that this is how bass fishing was and that I would catch another lunker in a few moree trips. Needless to say I have never caught another that even came close to that one and that was over three decades ago. I had a once in a lifetime catch and did not know it because I did not realize how rare a catch like that was. If you are missing anything it is that, the knowledge of how rare your catch is. Consider it.


----------



## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Johntee said:


> come on topic. If someone needs advice, send him/her private message.


Arguing with a Moderator's post. Good idea...


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

@alexm - I suspect it's really a confidence issue. If both people are confident in themselves and their relationship then they don't see the need to compare. I suspect that if the OP was more confident in himself then he wouldn't care about her past and instead he'd focus on the present and future with his wife. His depression is probably hampering this.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Don't get me wrong, I think I'm good - because I really enjoy pleasing women, but the odds that I was the best are pretty small....especially since I was so inexperienced (but well read...) at the time. 

I didn't mean my comment negatively - just being realistic. 

If I am really that good, then my wife is missing out....



alexm said:


> Off topic, but why is it obviously a lie? Because she's had lots of partners before and since, so there's no way in your mind you could possibly have been the best?
> 
> Duuude... you and I are so similar in so many ways (similar issues, same wife practically) but this mindset is a killer. It's also one I had always been susceptible to.
> 
> My problem was always that I analyze things (OVER analyze...), so when somebody paid me a compliment, I never just took it, and said 'thanks'. I would always start thinking about WHY that person said that, and arrive at the conclusion that they were just being nice, didn't really mean it, felt sorry for me, whatever.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

It can be a moral issue too. If someone was promiscuous in the past it makes you wonder if they are going to do it again or if they are more likely to want variety and therefore cheat. Makes an individual want to tread carefully.

On a side note: What is this "she/he chose you" stuff? lol. How do you know he/she wasn't dumped by all the past lovers and you were the only one that said "I do"? Or all the past lovers weren't complete losers so she/he not choosing them over you is not really a compliment. lmao. Just wondering.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

OP you were trapped by her manipulation - manipulation that others broke free of. She ignored all your concerns and sexed you up instead of allowing you to have a voice in your relationship. Most young guys will fall for this basic manipulation.

You didn't break free in time.

Now that she has manipulated and hooked you, she was able to stop sex almost completely (on a relative scale).

Yes, you've been taken for a sucker. Yes it's bait and switch.

The sex in the past sounds like manipulation instead of just enjoyment. She tried to get the old guy to buy the cow very hard but in the end failed. That appears to be the problem you have with her sex past. It's disingenuous and you ended up in her trap.

If you REALLY want to turn this into a good relationship for you, you must seek MC and she must seek IC. She is damaged goods. You are too passive.

You must start to talk honestly about how you feel and what you might want - though I suspect you don't know because she's kept you guessing all this time.

MC will provide a neutral coach (though you may need to see several to find a good one) and you guys need to start honest communication 

I also think you guys need to fully reset your sex life. If you want it wild like it was then it's VERY ok to stick with that need regardless of what she says. Your needs are at least as important as hers and since that is what you had prior to marriage, it's very ok to work toward that and ultimately leave if it can't happen. Manipulation and bait and switch DO NOT make a good foundation for marriage


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> Don't get me wrong, I think I'm good - because I really enjoy pleasing women, but the odds that I was the best are pretty small....especially since I was so inexperienced (but well read...) at the time.
> 
> I didn't mean my comment negatively - just being realistic.
> 
> If I am really that good, then my wife is missing out....


Trust me - it's subjective! My ex wife would probably say I was the worst she's ever had. My current wife says I'm the best.

One major difference between the two? My current wife loves me and feels secure.

Your ex gf ain't talking about your technique  She clearly had a pretty solid bond with you. Possibly only sexual, but I doubt it...

If a woman I'd dated 20 years ago told me I was the best she's ever had, I'd think she was telling me that because a) it was true and b) I may have been "the one who got away" in her eyes.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ....and your point would be...? :grin2:


You can help others without being nasty.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you do not like what some other users posts, then use the report button. Report the posts. The moderators will determine if the user needs a talking to, a ban, or whatever.
> 
> DO NOT call out another poster the way you are calling her out. You can end up being talked to, banned or whatever because you are basically stalking her an calling her out.


I'll do that going forward.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

NOS, download and read _Married Man's Sex Life Primer_ by Atholl Kay, as well as _No More Mr. Nice Guy_. Both books are easy reads and available online. They will go a long way towards helping you understand and overcome your insecurities. 

Does being great in the sack help? Sure, but that is a skill you can learn. Has your wife complained about your sex life or your performance? If not, if she is getting off with you and has not complained, then its best to let it lie and not be so needy. 

I guarantee you, keep this up and you will drive her away, and then instead of having a sexually experienced wife, you will have no wife. Which would you prefer?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nos said:


> I think this is Men's Clubhouse? And I think I said I want some thoughts from men?
> 
> I stopped attacking my wife, I sorted my thoughts as I could, I identified the problems because at first I wasn't sure what troubles me, and now when I now, I want to see how to get over this.


*Moderator Note:*

You get thoughts from men and women on TAM. All are equally valid and all are equally respected.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

nos said:


> Eventualy I get to her, and showed her what love is, what she didn't experienced before.
> 
> Also in the begining, she told me that we have best sex she ever had, I know she didn't lied me there, because it was really good, and her best girl friend also showed me messages my wife sent her backthen, after I was talking with her about us, and how to get to her emotionaly.


Keep doing this. You already answered your own question. The rest of your anxiety is meaningless.


----------



## nos (Oct 16, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> @nos you are not really explaining the exact issues that are going here.
> 
> 1. You want more sex with your wife. You want it more than once a week.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what is the exact issue. Maybe it is the second thing you said. I never liked easy girls. When we first met, she wanted to take it slow. I was fine with that, and I liked her because of that. We even just kissed after 3-4 weeks, we were just hanging out and texted all the day. It was fine with me because I wanted to first know her before going into relationship. After we first kissed, she told me it was mistake, that her life is the mess at the moment, but she kept texting me, initiating contact all the time. After a 2 weeks maybe we started a real relationship. After a month from that point we had sex first time. In the meantime she asked me how long can I wait to have sex. I told her as long as she is ready for it. I was fine with that really. And I liked her for that in some way.

That older man with who she was, asked my cousin to go out with him. She told him to f*uc off literally, and I told that to my wife, girlfriend at that time, I made a joke of it, told he was old and bald, and what the hell he was thinking about a young and pretty girl like my cousin want to do anything to him. Then she told me 
that she was with him 2 years ago, and that they were in relationship for 2 months, and they were seeing secretly. In that moment I was disgusted with her. I haven't told her that, but I felt that way. I also felt inferior, because she was going with that man so quickly, they had sex after 15 days, but she played hard to get to me. It made me feel insecure in my self, although I had good self coincidence that time, girls approached me when I go out and simillar. Even my wife approached me first. I didn't had problem with approaching girls either.

Later she told me about that other guy, how he didn't wanted a relationship with her, but she was still seing him. Since that two things she told me, I felt that something was not ok, but as I said before, whenever I tried to told her that, she was manipulating with me in some way, she just didn't wanted to talk or argue, and we would have sex instead on her iniciative.

I broke up with her 2 times, but she would call me in few days, she would huging me, saying she loves me, and jumping on me, ending with wild sex. And when she has orgasm, she would hug me, cry, and say she loves me repeatedly. I felt sorry for her in some way maybe, or I was just manipulated with sex. After that, I ignored her a little, and then she said we should split up. I agreed with that, but again she called me after few days and said she want to talk, and we all know how it finished.

Also, when we went out at club, she would touch and kiss me all the time, not as much as we are alone, like she wanted to show everyone that she found boyfriend who loves her at last, to show off in some way.

After we got married she told me details of her relationships. She said me something she didn't told me before, that she was with that older guy for 4 months, and after 2 months he started to ignore her in some way, he was buying her flowers and presents before, he called her often, but he stopped doing that. Then she was chasing him for some time, like because of her ego, and eventually they just stopped seeing, like he didn't called her anymore and she didn't called him.

Now I am not 100% sure why I am repelled by her. Is it because that guy and that older man didn't wanted to be with her any more, and she still chased them and tryed to get them to like her with sex, because I don't think that is some "quality" I feel my wife and mother of my kids need to have. I never liked that kind of girls, I was repelled with them, but she never wanted to hear that, I never had a chance to say that before we got married because of her pregnancy.

I don't know should I say about how I feel, and how the hell can I say her this. "Hey wife, I feel repelled by you, I think you don't have quality to be my wife and mother of my children, I don't respect you because you use sex to make men to love you, and to keep them."

She never told me that this older man wanted to leave her and that she used sex to keep him, until we got married. Instead she sayed that at some point she wanted a relationship with him, that he didn't wanted it, and she left him. She was ashamed of that he left her, and how can I don't feel ashamed of her, when she is ashamed of herself. How can i respect her when she don't respect her self.

She left couple of good guys in that time, before and after of this 2 relationships, but she kept running for someone who wasn't good for her. She manipulated me with sex, although I felt that this relationship was not good to me all the time. I just can't understand her. Did that 2 guys didn't felt that she was wife material, and I couldn't see that in time. That is also bothering me. Why she didn't respected her self and her body, giving it that easily to buy love, although she saw that is not the right way. Eventualy she succeded, but at the moment I don't know that she buyed real love. Maybe someone else wouldn't have this problem, but I do, it is just how I feel.

I want to note one thing, maybe I am crazy, narcissistic, or whatever. I always carred about my self, hit the gym regulary, never been womanizer or had ONS, and enjoyed some status of good guy and boyfriend. I also never looked for just outside beauty. I even met some girls few years ago, who said that they know my ex girfriend, they recognised me from picture she showed them, and they said that she said that I was the best boyfriend she ever had, handsome, pretty, funny, etc. Although she had boyfriends before and after me, it was few years after we broke up. One girl I dated for 2-3 months, which moved to another country so we broke up, said to me that all of her girl friends liked me, and said how I was the best guy in town, and that she is proud for beeing with me. Some girls from neighborhood said to their mothers who later said to my mother how my brother and especially me are most handsome guys, and how their friends share that thoughts. There is much more examples, and that is what maybe made me stronger in my past for not doing stupid things. Am I ashamed of my wife now, am I too judgemental because of this, that I think how I could find someone stronger, in some biological way, to raise children with?

Should I talk at her openly about this and say her those things I feel, and maybe destroy her and her confidence, or should I keep them for my self and try to get over them on my own?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Unless you marry very young, both you and your partner are likely to have a past. A lot of people change as they grow up and some of us did things when we were young that we would NEVER do now. I don't see past behaviors as a weakness, but just part of being a young human. 

She sounds like a normal person. She dated some guys, had sex with some of them, had infatuations, etc. Not everyone has lived like this, but an awful lot of people have. In fact if you ended up marrying someone who had not had those experiences, there is a chance that is due to a different sort of problem. From my perspective, I've lived most of my life, and will live the rest in a passionless marriage - married to a woman who *didn't* have a "past". She didn't have a past because she has not sexual desire, no passion, no romance. With decades of hindsight I would happily trade just about any "past" for those things,

If you can't respect and love your wife, then you should leave her to find someone who can. You will then have to look very hard to find someone who is what you want.


----------



## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

MrsAldi said:


> @nos you are not really explaining the exact issues that are going here.
> 
> 1
> 
> ...


While I cannot speak for OP, this was the issue for me with my ex, and it is for a lot of men. She felt the need to impress her other partners, but doesn't feel the need to do it for her current partner, whom she loves and, at least in my case, told people I was her stud. That's partly why I broke it off.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@nos that's entirely up to you. It's not wrong to want to love and respect your w and it's not wrong to lose respect for someone who isn't who they claim to be and who has a past that disgusts you. If those are your feelings that's ok.

If you want to be honest with her and say these things, do so in a MC session so both of you can express your feelings. If you decide to leave, you probably don't need to disclose everything but again that's up to you.

Personally I wouldn't stay with someone who constantly tried to manipulate me and minimize my (very limited set of) emotions


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

nos said:


> Hello guys. I created some post in another section here, but since there is so many woman there, I want some advices from man angle.
> 
> In short, my wife had more guys then me, and I think I have a problem with that now. Here is the original post:
> 
> ...


* @nos ~ regardless of a spouse being more "sexperienced," I only wish that I had a wife who would think as much of me as your wife so seems to think about you!

For as long as I am feeling loved, and am capable of loving them; and they are honest, loyal, and faithful to me nor abusive in any physical or mental capacity, that's really all that I could hope to ask for in this life!*


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> * @nos ~ regardless of a spouse being more "sexperienced," I only wish that I had a wife who would think as much of me as your wife so seems to think about you!
> 
> For as long as I am feeling loved, and am capable of loving them; and they are honest, loyal, and faithful to me nor abusive in any physical or mental capacity, that's really all that I could hope to ask for in this life!*


I agree Arb.

I get the OP's frustration. I do. It sounds like she's got the better end of the deal by having more 'experience' and as a guy, sometimes that's tough to ponder.

On the other hand, she seems to love OP and isn't and has never cheated on him so I feel the burden is on him to get over this.

Now if I was him and she did things for her past boyfriends that she isn't doing for him, then I would have a problem with that and he needs to work that out with her. 

I am a believer in that concept "if I am the love of your life, then don't deprive me of the same opportunities that you so generously gave others".

It's like when someone has an affair and gives to the AP what they won't even do for their husband, I couldn't get over that but that is a different issue.

I think NOS is dwelling too much on this and should cherish and make better the good situation he has


----------

