# Am I Missing Something?



## Ynot

Last night I met a woman and we started talking. Turns out she is recently divorced. She is now looking for her "soulmate". 
As we continue to talk she fills me in on the back ground. She married when she was young. Her and her husband had two children together. They were married for 33 years. She decided to end the marriage because she said they just grew apart. 
She said that her ex did not want the divorce and every time she talks to him, he just starts to cry and tell her how much he misses her, how he dreams about her every night and just wants her back. He can't concentrate at work, he cries himself to sleep every night, etc. etc. He says he will do everything and anything to make it work. Obviously he still has very strong feelings for her.
She said she was very sad that her ex was this way because it set a bad example for the children. She wishes they could just be friends and talk about the kids and the old days, but just not be married. She is sad that he can't just accept it and move on.
But now she is seeking her soulmate. She claims she still believes in the idea and has faith that she will meet this one person who will sweep her off her feet and have instant chemistry with. She says she believes marriage should last a life time and now she wants someone to grow old with.
Again I asked her why she is divorced. She said she filed because they just grew apart. There was no abuse, no cheating, no lying. They just grew apart.
Am I just cynical or is this woman just crazy? She has a man with whom she has had children with, they were together for 33 years, he still loves her. 
I understand the part about growing apart but to me her actions are in direct conflict with her stated beliefs. She had a partner with whom she has a long history (over half of her life), they have a family, he wants (apparently desperately) to work it out. But she has ended that and is now off hunting for the illusory soulmate?
The whole conversation was very confusing to me, perhaps because in my situation, I was the man left behind. So is this woman chasing after a fantasy or what? 
I am not asking this out of bias, but ut of genuine curiosity, as I am still trying to figure this out for myself.


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## Pluto2

Sounds like she is not being honest, maybe with herself mostly. 

Going into that much detail of a prior failed relationship kind of read as though she wanted you to be aware that someone else finds her desirable, and maybe she thinks that you would, too.

So go with your gut on this one. She's got lots of issues she's not addressing properly.


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## Lloyd Dobler

My guess is she was just scratching the surface of what really happened with her marriage. The story is probably a lot deeper and more nuanced than what she was willing to tell you up front. If I were you, I would keep asking her about it to see if she'll open up more about the details, because the way you describe it she does seem a little nutty. More details might paint a clearer picture.


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## Ynot

She definitely did not strike me as the brightest person I have ever met. I really have no intention or desire to ever meet this woman again. It just left me confused and wondering as to how someone could claim to believe that marriage should last a lifetime and have faith that they will find their soulmate after being the one who left a long time marriage simply because they had grown apart.


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## Rowan

Without knowing anything else about her or her situation, it's hard to say exactly what's going on with your date. It could be that she was unfaithful and doesn't want to say so. It could be that "we grew apart" is her version of shorthand for a husband who wasn't willing to do anything to keep her when he had her. It could be that she is just looking for a fantasy.

I think the real issue, though, is that you don't have the feeling that she's being open and honest about whatever it is. If she can't articulate what went wrong, and own her own part in it, then maybe she's not really ready for a healthy relationship. And even if she were frank about her marriage, if her views on relationships and soul mates, etc., don't align with yours, maybe she's not right for a healthy relationship _with you_.


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## Married but Happy

She's a little delusional, perhaps, but not wrong in her reasons and wants. She is no longer compatible with her ex - it happens. Now she wants someone far more compatible where there is chemistry again (soulmate is a silly term, IMO, that just translates into highly compatible). She was unhappy and unfulfilled, and is now seeking to fix that. Difficult to find a "soulmate", but very possible. Unless there's something she's hiding, at least you know she can commit and do a long-term relationship.


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## Ynot

Married but Happy said:


> She's a little delusional, perhaps, but not wrong in her reasons and wants. She is no longer compatible with her ex - it happens. Now she wants someone far more compatible where there is chemistry again (soulmate is a silly term, IMO, that just translates into highly compatible). She was unhappy and unfulfilled, and is now seeking to fix that. Difficult to find a "soulmate", but very possible. Unless there's something she's hiding, at least *you know she can commit and do a long-term relationship*.


You see that is right where the confusion comes in. She obviously isn't able to commit and do a long term relationship (according to her this constitutes a life time or beyond that eternity given her penchant for a soul mate). She has already walked away from that. 
I don't have any intention of ever meeting this woman ever again. As I said she did not strike me as a particularly intelligent person and at this point in my life I am not even seeking a relationship


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## SecondTime'Round

Ynot said:


> She definitely did not strike me as the brightest person I have ever met. I really have no intention or desire to ever meet this woman again. It just left me confused and wondering as to how someone could claim to believe that marriage should last a lifetime and have faith that they will find their soulmate after being the one who left a long time marriage simply because they had grown apart.


I'm with you on this one. Kinda like people who get divorced but gush about how they are still best friends. 

Sounds to me like she wants her ex to be willing to be her BFF to alleviate some guilt she has over the situation.

I'd also question the judgment of someone who shares so much personal stuff the first time you met her.


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## Satya

We all have a story and you're only getting her side of it. 

My ex and I divorced because he decided to change gender. It was a bomb dropped on me, but otherwise we didn't have a horrible marriage, simply could no longer continue together.

I am real about the mistakes we both made, the bad choices we both made, the ways he was great and also the ways he could be a PITA. I have no idea what kinds of stories may have been told about me after we parted, and frankly, it honestly doesn't matter. 

So, when I decided I was ready to date, I'd tell my story to guys pretty early on, because I felt no need to hide the reality of what happened and how it changed and educated me. I'd be really curious to know what many of those guys (the ones that walked away with no offense taken from me) thought of the encounter. Comparing what was lost between us, I was the biggest loser from the divorce, yet my life has never been better.


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## Married but Happy

Ynot said:


> You see that is right where the confusion comes in. She obviously isn't able to commit and do a long term relationship (according to her this constitutes a life time or beyond that eternity given her penchant for a soul mate). She has already walked away from that.
> I don't have any intention of ever meeting this woman ever again. As I said she did not strike me as a particularly intelligent person and at this point in my life I am not even seeking a relationship


33 years may as well be a lifetime. She can probably manage at least that in a second marriage, if she chooses well.


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## Ynot

Married but Happy said:


> 33 years may as well be a lifetime. She can probably manage at least that in a second marriage, if she chooses well.


I am not saying she can't. It doesn't really matter to me. But given the fact that both she and her ex are still alive, 33 years is certainly NOT a LIFEtime. They may both live another 40 years. 33 years is a longtime but as each of them are still alive it is most definitely not a life time


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## Married but Happy

Ynot said:


> 33 years is a longtime but as each of them are still alive it is most definitely not a life time


True. So, perhaps she exaggerated a little!

It seems that you don't trust what she said, so just let it go and don't see her again. I don't want to convince you to do otherwise - I'm just offering a different interpretation. However, I wasn't there so can't judge her veracity or sincerity.


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## GusPolinski

Ynot said:


> Last night I met a woman and we started talking. Turns out she is recently divorced. She is now looking for her "soulmate".
> As we continue to talk she fills me in on the back ground. She married when she was young. Her and her husband had two children together. They were married for 33 years. She decided to end the marriage because she said they just grew apart.
> She said that her ex did not want the divorce and every time she talks to him, he just starts to cry and tell her how much he misses her, how he dreams about her every night and just wants her back. He can't concentrate at work, he cries himself to sleep every night, etc. etc. He says he will do everything and anything to make it work. Obviously he still has very strong feelings for her.
> She said she was very sad that her ex was this way because it set a bad example for the children. She wishes they could just be friends and talk about the kids and the old days, but just not be married. She is sad that he can't just accept it and move on.
> But now she is seeking her soulmate. She claims she still believes in the idea and has faith that she will meet this one person who will sweep her off her feet and have instant chemistry with. She says she believes marriage should last a life time and now she wants someone to grow old with.
> Again I asked her why she is divorced. She said she filed because they just grew apart. There was no abuse, no cheating, no lying. They just grew apart.
> Am I just cynical or is this woman just crazy? She has a man with whom she has had children with, they were together for 33 years, he still loves her.
> I understand the part about growing apart but to me her actions are in direct conflict with her stated beliefs. She had a partner with whom she has a long history (over half of her life), they have a family, he wants (apparently desperately) to work it out. But she has ended that and is now off hunting for the illusory soulmate?
> The whole conversation was very confusing to me, perhaps because in my situation, I was the man left behind. So is this woman chasing after a fantasy or what?
> I am not asking this out of bias, but ut of genuine curiosity, as I am still trying to figure this out for myself.


Sounds like her previous "soulmate" dumped her.


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## Ynot

Married but Happy said:


> True. So, perhaps she exaggerated a little!
> 
> It seems that you don't trust what she said, so just let it go and don't see her again. I don't want to convince you to do otherwise - I'm just offering a different interpretation. However, I wasn't there so can't judge her veracity or sincerity.


I am not arguing, I am just attempting to understand. I have no reason not to trust her, I just don't understand her thinking. I am still questioning my own, so I am looking for other input. To me there is a disconnect between believing in a soul mate and walking away from a long term marriage because they just grew apart when her ex is obviously (according to her) still deeply committed to the relationship. To me it seems she already had this magical soul mate but decided to look elsewhere. Why? I don't know.


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## Married but Happy

Ynot said:


> To me there is a disconnect between believing in a soul mate and walking away from a long term marriage because they just grew apart when her ex is obviously (according to her) still deeply committed to the relationship. To me it seems she already had this magical soul mate but decided to look elsewhere. Why? I don't know.


Okay, I get that. SHE may be HIS soulmate, but HE is not HERS now, if he ever was.

His passion or desire for her is no longer reciprocated. She made the right decision for herself, even though he is unhappy with it. Even if you believe in soulmates, that's not to say you can't have more than one in a lifetime. Few people marry if they aren't convinced they've got a great match (or soulmate), but they often find out later that they were wrong. And I don't think soulmates come with a certificate of permanence or authenticity - you decide for yourself that they are, and may be wrong. They're an overly romanticized concept that doesn't match reality, but you can come close if you're lucky.


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## Rowan

My ex-husband spent nearly a year after our divorce asking me out, sending me flowers, bringing me small gifts, offering to do things around the house for me, putting cards and notes in my mailbox, calling, emailing, crying and generally begging me to give us another chance. By all outside measurements, it would seem that I already had my "magical soul mate" and that he was "still deeply committed to the relationship." Of course, for the 16 years before that, during which we were married, he couldn't be bothered. He couldn't even be faithful - at all, even a little bit. And he was actually in an exclusive relationship with another woman for the whole year he was still pursuing me after our divorce. 

Just because someone's ex is still apparently "deeply committed to the relationship" doesn't mean that ex was committed to it while it still was a relationship. It doesn't mean the person who left was wrong for leaving. It doesn't mean the one who left isn't capable of committing to a long-term partnership. Or that they are the victim of some grossly distorted delusion because they think there might be a truly compatible partner out there for them, even though their long-term marriage did not last. 

Look, if you don't like this woman, fine. Don't see her again. Maybe she is crazy, or delusional, or into hopelessly magical thinking. Just understand that there's nothing inherently distorted about someone having ended a long marriage _for reasons that don't resonate with you_, but still believing in long-term marriage or hoping to find another highly compatible person in the future.


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## Ynot

Married but Happy said:


> Okay, I get that. SHE may be HIS soulmate, but HE is not HERS now, if he ever was.
> 
> His passion or desire for her is no longer reciprocated. She made the right decision for herself, even though he is unhappy with it. Even if you believe in soulmates, that's not to say you can't have more than one in a lifetime. Few people marry if they aren't convinced they've got a great match (or soulmate), but they often find out later that they were wrong. And I don't think soulmates come with a certificate of permanence or authenticity - you decide for yourself that they are, and may be wrong. They're an overly romanticized concept that doesn't match reality, but you can come close if you're lucky.


I would agree with this. I guess my understanding of the term "soul mate" implies a certain permanancy given that our souls are eternal while our bodies are not. Maybe it is just me that I don't believe the fairy tale of the mythical soul mate. I never really believed they existed and still don't. I think it is one of those modern day concepts of seeking fulfillment from the outside rather than from within ie he/she completes me, or my better half.


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## Ynot

I sincerely hope that anyone who has responded to this thread understands that I am not attempting to argue any particular POV. I am interested in discussing this matter in an attempt to come to some understanding of it. I am sure we have all been at a point in our lives where some aspect of reality does not mesh with our understanding of how reality is supposed to work. It may be due to having an imperfect understanding or an imperfect grasp of the pertinent facts. it may be a matter of perspective which may change given the particular point in our journey we find ourselves in at that time. I am just looking for clarity and attempting to understand.


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## McDean

What this story makes me wonder is why did you become incompatible? Especially after so much time and history together. Granted we probably aren't getting the whole story and several comments about 'smarts' or lack there of, have been alluded to but one has to wonder, what changed - if no cheating, abuse etc. then one or the other placed a different value on 'something' they at one point didn't value and now do. 

For example, 30 years down the road I wake up and decide I really prefer to be alone and end a healthy relationship because of it. It scares me to think that any of us could be married to someone with basically a light switch on values so that seemingly overnight (though may have been building for years) my 30 year partner and I are no longer compatible?....maybe it's fueled by a culture that has grown used to the ideas of 'always being happy and pursuing everything you want'....

Have to wonder how she would have felt if her husband had decided half way through raising their kids that he no longer 'valued' having kids and so left them all...or if he valued youth and dumped her for the 20yr old secretary....both would make them no longer compatible but I am really starting to think compatibility comes down to shared values which at their core rarely change if you have any character at all....


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## 3Xnocharm

Ynot said:


> I am not arguing, I am just attempting to understand. I have no reason not to trust her, I just don't understand her thinking. I am still questioning my own, so I am looking for other input. To me there is a disconnect between believing in a soul mate and walking away from a long term marriage because they just grew apart when her ex is obviously (according to her) still deeply committed to the relationship. To me it seems she already had this magical soul mate but decided to look elsewhere. Why? I don't know.


Ah, but here's the thing...you have NO CLUE what their marriage was like. Quite likely he was a self centered ass who ignored her and her needs for most of the marriage, then when he found out that she didnt want to be in it anymore, suddenly is overcome with remorse and turned into a blubbering idiot trying to change her mind. Hell, it happened to me and I am currently watching it happen to a close friend of mine. Very likely he only became "deeply committed" to the relationship after she said she was DONE. 

And, you cant say "just" because they grew apart....that is a very, very valid reason to end things. Once that happens, all that is left between you is stuff and memories.


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## EleGirl

I think it's pretty weird that she told you all that on the first date. Sounds like she started talking and just could not stop herself. Which probably means that she's still not healed from the marriage & breakup.

The who soul mate thing sounds like she's 15 years old. But the again I really dislike the that concept as I think it's Hollywood nonsense.

She did not give a lot of detail. "Growing apart" can mean a lot of things.

Bottom line, you were not impressed. Move on.


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## SARAHMCD

If someone asked me on a first date or over the phone before we'd met why my husband and I are getting a divorce, I would likely say "its a long story but basically because we grew apart. There was no abuse, infidelity, etc.". I would say this because I wouldn't want to get into the details yet. That is enough for now. Not sure why she felt compelled to tell you about how her husband is "suffering". 

And I'm assuming she mentioned the soulmate thing (yuck, IMO) and wanting to be married for life because she's trying to convince you that even though things didn't work out with her husband, she still believes in long term commitment and wants to find that kind of relationship.


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## Wolf1974

I get why you wouldn't see her again. I agree sounds like she has her head in the clouds. Wonder how many years she'll get out of the next soul mate


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## Ynot

The irony of it is that another guy I know also met this same woman. We shared our stories. She told him the same things. He is a widower and is getting desperate to find somebody. He is going out with her again. Al I can say is good luck! It is kind of strange, he has no concept of the hurt of rejection/abandonment so he is willing to take the chance. I OTOH, am still stinging from it and see no future with this one.


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## Dread Pirate Roberts

EleGirl said:


> The who soul mate thing sounds like she's 15 years old. But the again I really dislike the that concept as I think it's Hollywood nonsense.


+1. I can't stand the term either.

DPR


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## MRR

To me this sounds like an issue of 'attraction'. 

Levels of attraction, for the same individual, can fluctuate drastically, and attraction is not a choice. So, say a guy is a real go getter, great social life, lots of bravado type of guy many years ago and over the course of a marriage turns into, dare I say it, a door mat who has given up all his friends, hobbies and interests for the marriage and children-- well, the wife, without intentionally doing so or even realizing what is happening, loses attraction for him. The desire for sex is the easiest indicator that something is wrong, but she 'still loves and cares about him'. In the meantime, she knows there is 'real love' or a 'soul mate' out there-- in other words, a guy who ATTRACTS her or ignites passion the way he once did (and still could if he knew that giving flowers and begging, pleading, crying to a woman who rejected you is repulsive to her).


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## Bibi1031

Ynot said:


> I would agree with this. I guess my understanding of the term "soul mate" implies a certain permanancy given that our souls are eternal while our bodies are not. Maybe it is just me that I don't believe the fairy tale of the mythical soul mate. I never really believed they existed and still don't. I think it is one of those modern day concepts of seeking fulfillment from the outside rather than from within ie he/she completes me, or my better half.


IMO, she is going through a personal crisis. You did right to walk away. 

Spot on with the soulmate mambo jumbo!

Bibi


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## JohnA

Or it could just be you had a date with your ex's sister by another daddy. You and your ex both had issues that destroyed your marriage. What ever person in your position needs to do is figure out which of then transcends the particular to the general. Then fix those that are general in nature.

I have seen hints of this in your previous threads. Keep growing.


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## tech-novelist

MRR said:


> To me this sounds like an issue of 'attraction'.
> 
> Levels of attraction, for the same individual, can fluctuate drastically, and attraction is not a choice. So, say a guy is a real go getter, great social life, lots of bravado type of guy many years ago and over the course of a marriage turns into, dare I say it, a door mat who has given up all his friends, hobbies and interests for the marriage and children-- well, the wife, without intentionally doing so or even realizing what is happening, loses attraction for him. The desire for sex is the easiest indicator that something is wrong, but she 'still loves and cares about him'. In the meantime, she knows there is 'real love' or a 'soul mate' out there-- in other words, a guy who ATTRACTS her or ignites passion the way he once did (and still could if he knew that giving flowers and begging, pleading, crying to a woman who rejected you is repulsive to her).


No, you are not supposed to know all that! It's misogynistic! >


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## Ynot

So I saw my friend last night who had also met this woman. He is cooking for her tonight at his place. This will be their fourth date. He is a widower and doesn't see an issue with this. He hasn't felt the pain of abandonment and rejection (even if it was just caused by growing apart). Maybe it is all a matter of perspective? 

Perception was something my friends and I talked about last night at our weekly night out. Three of the four of us are divorced. He is the only widower in the group.

Interestingly we had a similar connection to the woman I had had the relationship with in the spring. I told him he won by not having to deal with what I had to deal with on that one. I am interested to see whether I will win by not dealing with this woman's issues.


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## jb02157

This is a perfect example of what I was saying in other threads about people just not being committed to marriages and working through problems. Seems like they both lose to me, she made him do alot of hurting and she will have a long wait getting very lonely awaiting this illusionary perfect husband.


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## soccermom2three

3Xnocharm said:


> Ah, but here's the thing...you have NO CLUE what their marriage was like. Quite likely he was a self centered ass who ignored her and her needs for most of the marriage, then when he found out that she didnt want to be in it anymore, suddenly is overcome with remorse and turned into a blubbering idiot trying to change her mind. Hell, it happened to me and I am currently watching it happen to a close friend of mine. Very likely he only became "deeply committed" to the relationship after she said she was DONE.
> 
> And, you cant say "just" because they grew apart....that is a very, very valid reason to end things. Once that happens, all that is left between you is stuff and memories.


I agree. She could've spent years trying to bring the spark back in their marriage and he completely ignored her or he would try for a while then stop. She detached and left and now he's all, "Oh ****". We see it here all the time on TAM.


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## SARAHMCD

soccermom2three said:


> I agree. She could've spent years trying to bring the spark back in their marriage and he completely ignored her or he would try for a while then stop. She detached and left and now he's all, "Oh ****". We see it here all the time on TAM.


Agreed. This was me. I tried and tried for years to talk to him. He was happy doing zero activities together, just being roommates and sitting in his chair watching TV. I was not. When I finally left, he was shocked. When I asked how could he possibly be shocked? I'd told him many times I was unhappy and ready to leave. He thought I'd just had a bad day at work or was PMS'ing. He didn't have a clue. Seriously. 

So 4 months into separation where he made no attempt to reconcile (after I talked about counselling, steps we could take, etc), I told him I was done and was filing. He was shocked AGAIN!!! He thought he would just have to take me away for a weekend and we'd be all good again. Seriously. So he cried and broke down (finally), told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and how could I just give up on us? Uh, no!! Where was he for all those years?

After all this, I do believe I will find someone to love again. I will learn and not make the same mistakes twice. I will seek someone more suitable - and who knows how to communicate!! It does not mean I am noncommittal AT ALL.


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## 3Xnocharm

Ynot said:


> So I saw my friend last night who had also met this woman. He is cooking for her tonight at his place. This will be their fourth date. *He is a widower and doesn't see an issue with this. He hasn't felt the pain of abandonment and rejection (even if it was just caused by growing apart). *Maybe it is all a matter of perspective?
> 
> Perception was something my friends and I talked about last night at our weekly night out. Three of the four of us are divorced. He is the only widower in the group.
> 
> Interestingly we had a similar connection to the woman I had had the relationship with in the spring. I told him he won by not having to deal with what I had to deal with on that one. I am interested to see whether I will win by not dealing with this woman's issues.


Ynot, you are projecting, here. You are putting yourself in the shoes of this woman's XH, because of how your marriage ending made YOU feel. As I mentioned before, you don't know what theirs was like prior to it ending. Who knows, maybe you ARE right, but you might want to be careful about judging others in the future, because you may miss out on your perfect match because you jumped to a conclusion that wasn't.


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## Ynot

3Xnocharm said:


> Ynot, you are projecting, here. You are putting yourself in the shoes of this woman's XH, because of how your marriage ending made YOU feel. As I mentioned before, you don't know what theirs was like prior to it ending. Who knows, maybe you ARE right, but you might want to be careful about judging others in the future, because you may miss out on your perfect match because you jumped to a conclusion that wasn't.


Perhaps so, perhaps not. All I have to go on is what she told me. Some other things that didn't add up is that she doesn't have a job, but drove up in a brand new Ford Mustang. She claims to spend her time fixing up a house she bought in one of the trendier neighborhoods in the area. Too many red flags for me. Sounds like she took her ex to the cleaners and is now living the good life.
The bottom line is what else do we have to go on but how our situations made us feel? 
FTR I tend to agree with MRR's post about attraction. That post pretty much describes the way I currently see the situation I was in. I don't know if she caused me to feel this way thru her constant belittling and lack of respect for me or if I made belittle me and not have respect for me because I felt that way. 
Either way it doesn't really matter because I have to be comfortable with someone I choose to be with. Otherwise I would be spending the time we have together wondering when she will decide to "just grow apart" from me. I am not interested in that.


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## Morgiana

Ynot said:


> I don't know if she caused me to feel this way thru her constant belittling and lack of respect for me or if I made belittle me and not have respect for me because I felt that way.


Dude, the fact that you claim she made you feel anyway is super red-flaggish. The fact that you felt belittled and lacked respect is on you, not on her. No one person is responsible for how another feels. That being said, if you had told her you didn't like how she talked to you, and she wasn't interested in talking it out, that may mean she wasn't the person for you anyways.

And I say this as a person who is right now on day three of no-communication from the boyfriend after I told him I found something he said insulting *lol*.

Regards,
-M


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## Ynot

Morgiana said:


> Dude, the fact that you claim she made you feel anyway is super red-flaggish. The fact that you felt belittled and lacked respect is on you, not on her. No one person is responsible for how another feels. That being said, if you had told her you didn't like how she talked to you, and she wasn't interested in talking it out, that may mean she wasn't the person for you anyways.
> 
> And I say this as a person who is right now on day three of no-communication from the boyfriend after I told him I found something he said insulting *lol*.
> 
> Regards,
> -M


I absolutely agree with you. I am now making efforts to overcome this defect in my thinking. But at the time that was how I felt. 
The fact is I did try to talk to her about how I felt, she didn't want to hear it. Instead she just told me she was doing the best that she could and if I didn't like it she was leaving. I didn't like it and she left. I realize that she probably was doing the best that she could. So was I. But in the end both of our bests weren't good enough for the other.


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## caliguy2349

My ex wife did something very similar.. We were married 5 years and had a 4 yr old..

She told me she wanted "movie love", so she cheated and married the next guy right after our divorce..She also expects us to be best of friends, co parenting, happy, jolly, friendly..There was no abuse, drugs, cheating (on my part), money was plentiful etc..


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## Marc878

If you see her again.

Run very fast in the opposite direction.


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## caliguy2349

SARAHMCD said:


> Agreed. This was me. I tried and tried for years to talk to him. He was happy doing zero activities together, just being roommates and sitting in his chair watching TV. I was not. When I finally left, he was shocked. When I asked how could he possibly be shocked? *I'd told him many times I was unhappy and ready to leave.* *He thought I'd just had a bad day at work or was PMS'ing.* *He didn't have a clue.* Seriously.


Not saying this is your case, but many people are dramatic.. And they threaten the "nuclear option" of divorce all the time... Then the next day they are totally fine like nothing happened..

I guess I don't believe people should ever threaten divorce or leaving UNLESS they have a non emotional adult conversation, and once it is said then actions must be taken to save the marriage or part ways..


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## soccermom2three

caliguy2349 said:


> My ex wife did something very similar.. We were married 5 years and had a 4 yr old..
> 
> She told me she wanted "movie love", so she cheated and married the next guy right after our divorce..She also expects us to be best of friends, co parenting, happy, jolly, friendly..There was no abuse, drugs, cheating (on my part), money was plentiful etc..


In the OP's case, the woman as married for 33 years. Big difference.

I agree that there are men and women that think "movie love" is a real and sustainable thing. My sister in law is one of them.


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## 1stTime

Ynot said:


> Last night I met a woman and we started talking. Turns out she is recently divorced. She is now looking for her "soulmate".
> As we continue to talk she fills me in on the back ground. She married when she was young. Her and her husband had two children together. They were married for 33 years. She decided to end the marriage because she said they just grew apart.
> She said that her ex did not want the divorce and every time she talks to him, he just starts to cry and tell her how much he misses her, how he dreams about her every night and just wants her back. He can't concentrate at work, he cries himself to sleep every night, etc. etc. He says he will do everything and anything to make it work. Obviously he still has very strong feelings for her.
> She said she was very sad that her ex was this way because it set a bad example for the children. She wishes they could just be friends and talk about the kids and the old days, but just not be married. She is sad that he can't just accept it and move on.
> But now she is seeking her soulmate. She claims she still believes in the idea and has faith that she will meet this one person who will sweep her off her feet and have instant chemistry with. She says she believes marriage should last a life time and now she wants someone to grow old with.
> Again I asked her why she is divorced. She said she filed because they just grew apart. There was no abuse, no cheating, no lying. They just grew apart.
> Am I just cynical or is this woman just crazy? She has a man with whom she has had children with, they were together for 33 years, he still loves her.
> I understand the part about growing apart but to me her actions are in direct conflict with her stated beliefs. She had a partner with whom she has a long history (over half of her life), they have a family, he wants (apparently desperately) to work it out. But she has ended that and is now off hunting for the illusory soulmate?
> The whole conversation was very confusing to me, perhaps because in my situation, I was the man left behind. So is this woman chasing after a fantasy or what?
> I am not asking this out of bias, but ut of genuine curiosity, as I am still trying to figure this out for myself.


Are you possibly speaking to my ex wife? :surprise: 

Yea...I don't think I could date any woman who made it clear they were capable of doing this kind of thing. I went through it once, I would never want to go through it again, nor would I want to be the guy that fills in when the last guy gets his world ripped away from him.

No thank you.


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