# It doesn't feel special anymore



## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

I don't know what happened since I got married, but it doesn't feel the same. I've been with my husband for almost six years, married for 3 months. Before we were married, maybe 6 months before or so, my sex drive began to crash. After our honeymoon weekend, it dropped even more. And now it is almost at nothing. I'm only 26, my husband is 30. I almost feel repulsed at the idea of "making love" to him or being romantic...when we are going to have sex it is talked about and usually planned, never spontaneous...I don't like kissing anymore. I focus more on if either one of us has bad breath instead of the actual act of kissing. I NEVER open my eyes during sex. Maybe after I get off, but never during. I never did that before though, even when we had tons of sex in the beginning. Was never that comfortable. I have never been 100% comfortable in my body and now that I have gained some weight it is even worse. I find myself wondering if I don't want sex for that reason, or if its possible that I am not in love with my husband anymore? How do you know? I used to fall asleep on his chest at night...now I am perfectly content turning over and going to sleep without even saying goodnight sometimes. It just feels...different. No more passion. And I don't even know if I want the passion back.......


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## lezith (Aug 26, 2011)

I feel the same way! You are not alone! Have you tried talking to him about it? Communication is very important. Try new things to get the passion back. maybe work out so you feel better about yourself. Change is good....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

JRiZZY said:


> even when we had tons of sex in the beginning. Was never that comfortable. I have never been 100% comfortable in my body and now that I have gained some weight it is even worse.


Being comfortable in your own skin is important. This doesn't mean trying to be a media ideal of size and weight. Keeping fit, eating healthily and taking care of yourself helps with feeling confident and having a more positive outlook. I'm sure you know how you'd feel after going for a walk and having eaten fresh fruit compared to (for example) having a late night and then eating junk/highly processed foods. Obviously I have no idea of your lifestyle habits however I hope you can still relate to what I'm communicating.

You were never that comfortable before. Now that you are aware of your lack of sexual interest it IS time to work on yourself; on being confident within. Hormones and libido can fluctuate but if you're good to yourself with food, exercise, lifestyle, taking pride in how you look and enjoying looking good (and again, I'm not talking about advertising/media images here), it will contribute to you feeling more sensual and comfortable. Taking aromatic baths, noticing the feel of fabrics against your body, savoring the taste and smell of simple healthy foods, noticing how your body feels when you exercise, your breathing etc. These are all little moments that can be savored and be moments of enjoying your physical self.



JRiZZY said:


> I find myself wondering if I don't want sex for that reason, or if its possible that I am not in love with my husband anymore? How do you know? I used to fall asleep on his chest at night...now I am perfectly content turning over and going to sleep without even saying goodnight sometimes. It just feels...different. *No more passion. And I don't even know if I want the passion back.*......


For the time being I'm not wanting to speculate on what he may or may not be doing with regards to meeting your 'needs' and vice verse that helps contribute to a long-term sexual relationship.... however I'm focusing on your last sentence. I'm having trouble understanding how one could consider a life _without_ passion? I'm not even just referring to your sex drive here. I think this mood and feeling will and/or has probably started spilling over into other areas of your life. My personal opinion is that you need to start looking after yourself, taking small steps to appreciate the body and person you are to feel more comfortable within your own skin first - perhaps it starts with just a walk today. A walk with an awareness of your breathing, of your circulation, of the elements upon your skin. I feel that awakening or 'reminding' your senses can help bring you into the moment and bring passion to that moment too. It's one thing to walk in the sunshine, it's another to truly feel the sun on your skin and the difference it can make on your mood; notice your other senses coming alive with that awareness.

It's wonderful that you posted here and that you recognize what you're going through is a concern. Passion and loving sexual connection in a marriage is extremely important (to most). You and your husband will probably need to make changes together to bring the passion and connection back between you. This is not something you should let go of easily. Please do not convince yourself that you'd be happy for a life without passion - and do not subject your husband to that either.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What medications are you on? When did they start/change?

What method of birth control do you use? Did you make any changes to it recently?


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

First, do you like your husband? Does he treat you well? Do you communicate your love outside of jotting down your next planned tryst?

Second, did you really want to marry this man? It seems your issues started right around your marriage.

The idea of planned and prepped sex sounds pretty cold and unromantic, I'm not surprised it's a turn off for you.

Passion is about spontaneity and fun. It almost sounds like your sex life is an extra chore at home. I hope it's more than just him climbing on you a few nights a week. It's easy to fall into that rut and that can be a marriage killer.

Really, it seems more than a marriage issue. I bet something has occurred in your life that caused you to enter this funk. Depression is a serious problem, and may be something you might want to consider. I hope you figure the root cause, so you'll be able to repair your marriage and be 'in love' again.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

I'll be curious to see how this thread develops - from the female perspective of someone wanting to correct the lack of passion situation. I'm in a similar situation with my wife of 18+ years. I'm doing my part with the MMSL/MAP & Love Languages concepts. We have talked, but she sounds and acts like you, including expressed concerns about weight and not being as young as she used to be. (Neither of which are of a concern to me.) She does affirm that she is definitely "in love" with me. I surely am with her. We "are working on it" but have been warned that if I push too hard she feels that she will retreat. It sound like you want to get the passion back with your man. So, I'll be curious as to what you find works for you. Are you into him - do you like him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

Hello JRizzy, I, too, have felt what you describe with past partners and have also seen the passion come back after I started listening to myself. Heartsbeating and Cross are on to something, in my opinion...sexual excitement and passion for life in general go hand in hand. Work on the passion & happiness in your life (and I would say put the priority on YOUR life, not your life as a couple) and you will discover the sexual you again. 


You´re so young that I doubt this applies seriously to you. But DanG, have you taken into consideration that women do often lose their sex drive when they get older & especially when approaching/in menopause? I have several friends who *totally* lost their sex drive ("I could care less if I never had sex again" is the phrase that comes to mind) at about age 40-45. Other, older friends basically say the same thing..they are happy with their lives in other ways and just aren't that interested in sex anymore, whether currently with a partner or not. The married ones still have sex with their husbands -at least so they say- because they know it's important to the partner. But they don't really enjoy it and...unfortunately for all of us (I am not yet in their group, thank God!)...there seems to be little that they can safely do medically to correct this. I am convinced that it really is NOT a psychological thing in their cases. They really did lose their libido. Why do we so often ignore this issue? The female body is designed to have a sex drive in order to procreate. When procreation leaves the picture, often so does the libido.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

SeekingClarity said:


> I have several friends who *totally* lost their sex drive ("I could care less if I never had sex again" is the phrase that comes to mind) at about age 40-45 .


SC, I am curious about this. Have your friends come to terms with this change, accepted it, and have figured a way to keep both themselves and their husbands fulfilled in life? I mean, they adjust to the change and are still happy and have zest for life or is it something they desperately want back and creates tension in the relationship. It sounds like they have accepted it as the way it is, still have sex with their husbands and everyone is still happy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

My thought process has changed dramatically in the last 2 months!!!! I was very worried there for a while. I think with the financial stresses of moving and the custody battle my husband was going through with his ex had me in a state of funk. I also started taking my anxiety medication again, and got off of birth control (which I think was screwing with my hormones resulting in major highs and lows) Sex has been great and I have been happy! Thank god. I was getting very worried!


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