# Positive feedback



## Cree357 (Mar 21, 2018)

I lurked here for a long time because I wanted to share some positive feedback. I am 47 my wife 42. Married 12 years together 17. 2kids 9 and 2. The frequency of our sex was steadily declining. When it got to once every 2 weeks, we had "the talk " Great sex that night after the talk but no real change. In talking I realized my wife needed more closeness outside of the bedroom. I decided to really work at it for six months and eliminate all asking and neediness. I held her hand watching tv, put my arm around her walking into the store, kissed her more, gave real kisses when leaving , always tried to cuddle or spoon when going to bed(several nights a week we go to bed separately d/t my work schedule) and turn off the tv and go to bed at the same time. It was definitely work. In the beginning she would rebuff my attempts to spoon/cuddle. I was frustrated (Isn't this what you want?!!) She told me later that she thought I was using it to try to initiate sex which honestly makes sense because in the past there likely would have been some groping. Little by little, she began to "trust" my intentions more. Same with back rubs. After about 4 and a half months a wonderful thing happened. She started to initiate some and we discovered that she loves afternoon sex and she orgasms best and easiest this way. She asked me if I wanted to nap, I normally would have said no but when I got to bed she was topless and turned on. In the past 3 weeks she has put on lingerie and initiated foot play ( one of my kinks) completely on her own. We are having sex twice a week with occasional bjs thrown in. We are both happier and our marriage is better. Still hard work and I know this won't work for everyone but IT CAN WORK


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cree357 said:


> I lurked here for a long time because I wanted to share some positive feedback. I am 47 my wife 42. Married 12 years together 17. 2kids 9 and 2. The frequency of our sex was steadily declining. When it got to once every 2 weeks, we had "the talk " Great sex that night after the talk but no real change. In talking I realized my wife needed more closeness outside of the bedroom. I decided to really work at it for six months and eliminate all asking and neediness. I held her hand watching tv, put my arm around her walking into the store, kissed her more, gave real kisses when leaving , always tried to cuddle or spoon when going to bed(several nights a week we go to bed separately d/t my work schedule) and turn off the tv and go to bed at the same time. It was definitely work. In the beginning she would rebuff my attempts to spoon/cuddle. I was frustrated (Isn't this what you want?!!) She told me later that she thought I was using it to try to initiate sex which honestly makes sense because in the past there likely would have been some groping. Little by little, she began to "trust" my intentions more. Same with back rubs. After about 4 and a half months a wonderful thing happened. She started to initiate some and we discovered that she loves afternoon sex and she orgasms best and easiest this way. She asked me if I wanted to nap, I normally would have said no but when I got to bed she was topless and turned on. In the past 3 weeks she has put on lingerie and initiated foot play ( one of my kinks) completely on her own. We are having sex twice a week with occasional bjs thrown in. We are both happier and our marriage is better. Still hard work and I know this won't work for everyone but IT CAN WORK


That's great you have a better relationship now. I'm curious why you call holding hands, kissing, spooning, and going to bed at the same time instead of watching TV- hard work. What is work, or hard about those things??


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

IT CAN WORK

Yes

But does it usually?

Count yourself lucky.


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## Cree357 (Mar 21, 2018)

I do feel lucky. I know it won t often work. When I said "work" I meant marriage in general and the idea that there werent imnediate results. I guess we had spent years creating these habits so no surprise changes were slow I do enjoy the non sexual closeness as a compliment to the improved sex life.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Outstanding!! Many people become comfortable in their marriages.
You can see this everyday, just look at how people walk together
in parking lots. They do not hold hands or anything. Sometimes you can not
even tell if their married, After 30+ years of marriage I still hold my wife hand
open the car door for her and everything you described. I even swat her on the rear
when walking past her, Many men I think forget that their wife and the mother of their
children is still a woman. She needs and want to feel loved (NOT JUST SEX) desired,
and appreciated. I have on occasion just told my wife that she is as sexy and gorgeous 
as the first day I saw her. IT WORKS!! Just make it feel special and not planned.


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## Cree357 (Mar 21, 2018)

She has,some body image issues and it's nice to see her confidence ever so slightly increase. I wanted to share something positive as when Istarted reading TAM there weren't many examples. Just putting out the idea that maybe you aren't as sexually incompatible as it seems but just wanting more sex and telling the wife that might not be enough


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Cree357 said:


> I lurked here for a long time because *I wanted to share some positive feedback.* I am 47 my wife 42. Married 12 years together 17. 2kids 9 and 2. The frequency of our sex was steadily declining. When it got to once every 2 weeks, we had "the talk " Great sex that night after the talk but no real change. In talking* I realized my wife needed more closeness outside of the bedroom*. I decided to really work at it for six months and eliminate all asking and neediness. I held her hand watching tv, put my arm around her walking into the store, kissed her more, gave real kisses when leaving , always tried to cuddle or spoon when going to bed(several nights a week we go to bed separately d/t my work schedule) and turn off the tv and go to bed at the same time. *It was definitely work. In the beginning she would rebuff my attempts to spoon/cuddle. I was frustrated * (Isn't this what you want?!!) *She told me later that she thought I was using it to try to initiate sex* which honestly makes sense because in the past there likely would have been some groping. *Little by little, she began to "trust" my intentions more.* Same with back rubs. After about 4 and a half months a wonderful thing happened. She started to initiate some and we discovered that she loves afternoon sex and she orgasms best and easiest this way. She asked me if I wanted to nap, I normally would have said no but when I got to bed she was topless and turned on. In the past 3 weeks she has put on lingerie and initiated foot play ( one of my kinks) completely on her own. We are having sex twice a week with occasional bjs thrown in. We are both happier and our marriage is better. Still hard work and I know this won't work for everyone but IT CAN WORK


Congratulations.

One of the lessons from Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy book is no covert contracts, because a spouse can spot them. Your wife thought that you romantic touching and hand holding were a covert sex contract. Because they weren't (way to go!) she began to trust you and started to rekindle old passionate feelings toward you.

Very well done.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think the underlying issue here is that you didn't do this to get more sex. You did this to get closer to your wife and develop and affectionate relationship. You went first and after a long time she realized that you were serious about loving her.

Relationships can get stale over the years. People take them for granted and don't nurture them like they should. Old resentments aren't resolved, so they build up.

You did a good job. The idea is to never fall back into complacency.


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## Cree357 (Mar 21, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> I think the underlying issue here is that you didn't do this to get more sex. You did this to get closer to your wife and develop and affectionate relationship. You went first and after a long time she realized that you were serious about loving her.
> 
> Relationships can get stale over the years. People take them for granted and don't nurture them like they should. Old resentments aren't resolved, so they build up.
> 
> You did a good job. The idea is to never fall back into complacency.


Yes not allowing complacency (and that is an appropriate word) to creep back in is a task for sure. I think it started when we became parents. I did tell her that I would be lying if I said It has absolutely nothing to do with improving our sex life but it was about improving our marriage as a whole of which sex is a small but very important part.


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