# Kicked to office due to snoring



## Jerseydevil (Mar 8, 2013)

I wanted to hear from others to gauge how I feel about being moved out of our bedroom into the home office to sleep on the futon. I have read a lot of articles about how sleeping in separate bedrooms saved a marriage but I am torn on this and feel resentment toward my wife.

We have been married for 5 years and now for the past year, snoring has been an issue. My wife says she is a very light sleeper and doesn't get any sleep and doesnt wake up feeling refreshed to take care of the house and get kids off to school. I do admit I snore but I am not one of those freight train snorers. I recorded it and its noticeable but not excessive. My kids can sleep in the same room with me without any problem so it cant be that bad. I have also done the sleep study and diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and tried the CPAP mask to stop snoring. But now it's the air noise from the nasal pillows that keeps my wife awake and cant sleep. I have also tried the mouth piece which is very uncomfortable but during the night I sometimes spit it out unconsciously. 

I feel that I am trying everything I can to make it work and wish my wife could be a bit more understanding. Our 5 year old sleeps in our bed and she sometimes snores and always kicks and elbows and she isnt banished from our bed.

So now I have been sleeping in our office for a week. Every night I open the futon and make my bed. This isn't how I pictured married life. I believe a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed or else you loose intimacy. Is that old fashioned? Am I being selfish for wanting to stay in our bedroom?

I am interested to hear from both husbands and wives on this.

Thanks


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People have differences tolerances when it comes to noise. A pair of really good earplugs could possibly help. I like the cotton/wax ones.

ETA: You have already lost intimacy since you have a 5 year old sleeping with you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I'd rather wear ear plugs than kick hubby out of bed!!

Is there anything else going on that would make your wife not want to sleep with you?

Have you tried anything other than the CPAP? Are you overweight?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My hubby wears earplugs. We both tend to snore, but he's been wearing them since he was on midnight shift a few years ago and it's become a habit to pop them in.

We had a talk about this very thing like 2 weeks ago. A few times he got up in the night to sleep in the guest room because he said he could hear me through the plugs and it was bothering him, but he conceded that he didn't like sleeping apart from me. I've adjusted my pillows so that I'm not propped up too much and it's helped. 

It's not for us... unless a physical impairment required it we don't want to sleep apart. Ear plugs (him) and benadryl (me) are on hand for us. We enjoy waking up together too much.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I do admit I snore but I am not one of those freight train snorers. I recorded it and its noticeable but not excessive.


Maybe to you it wouldn't be but to her it is."Noticable but not excessive" is your opinion ..especially you arent the one having to sleep next to someone doing "noticable not excessive" snoring all night long every night..

My husband "denied" his snoring should be an issue or keep me SLEEP deprived every single night all night long..and he WAS like a freight train /combo FOG horn chain saw every night..I MOVED and slept elsewhere ..he said I was "over reacting " + he said " I snored too"..and I was being TORTURED...for 10 solid years..he refused to believe his snoring actually was "that big a deal" ..it was ME who was "making it up" and a "big deal out of nothing...even thought I was willing ot sleep on a lumpy couch..or in a TREE limb in the cold ..rather than have that blowing six incehs from my ear night after night...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Jerseydevil said:


> I wanted to hear from others to gauge how I feel about being moved out of our bedroom into the home office to sleep on the futon. I have read a lot of articles about how sleeping in separate bedrooms saved a marriage but I am torn on this and feel resentment toward my wife.
> 
> We have been married for 5 years and now for the past year, snoring has been an issue. My wife says she is a very light sleeper and doesn't get any sleep and doesnt wake up feeling refreshed to take care of the house and get kids off to school. I do admit I snore but I am not one of those freight train snorers. I recorded it and its noticeable but not excessive. My kids can sleep in the same room with me without any problem so it cant be that bad. I have also done the sleep study and diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and tried the CPAP mask to stop snoring. But now it's the air noise from the nasal pillows that keeps my wife awake and cant sleep. I have also tried the mouth piece which is very uncomfortable but during the night I sometimes spit it out unconsciously.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's about the snoring. Not if it has just now become an issue.

It's a power struggle. There's something else going on that isn't getting resolved well, and this is your wife's way of feeling like she has some power and control. Is there something happening in your lives that she's frustrated with? If you don't know, I'd encourage you to ask.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I second the earplug idea. It may not be comfortable for her in the beginning but I'd hope that sleeping apart from you is MORE uncomfortable. Now, I do get her not wanting to take a sleep medication to "knock her out" due to have a small child and needing to be alert in the case of an emergency but earplugs are just enough to dull the noise. 

Or would she be opposed to some white noise in the background? 

I totally get it. I know I snore and by BF snores and we'll sometimes wake each other up in the middle of the night but for the most part we sleep through it. Although I do have the benefit of taking an over the counter sleeping pill as I don't have little one's running around the house. 

But yeah, I'd try the ear plugs. And maybe a dehumidifier for the room. I know that for myself the more humid and stuffy the air is in the room the louder I get. And someone mentioned adjusting the pillows. I recommend that as well. 

You do what you need to do but she needs to compromise here a little too. 

Good luck!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> This isn't how I pictured married life. I believe a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed or else you loose intimacy. Is that old fashioned? Am I being selfish for wanting to stay in our bedroom?


You LOSE intimacy IMHO if one spouse thinks the other spouse should be kept awake half the night for the other ones (the snoring ones) comfort that you sleep in the bed together..The affect of a heavy snorer keeping their spouse from restful sleep night after night is not something that should be blown off and the one being tortured all night is not to blame..I've heard of this contributing to divorce in fact.

There is NOTHING "intimate" about sleeping next to someone night after night who you fantasize about smothering them? Or hitting them with a large object.so you can get some sleep because they have a problem snoring..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> [I second the earplug idea./QUOTE]
> 
> I tried ear plugs ...the way they are designed they make "crinkle noises' (snap crackle pop ) in my ears..not to mention I could still hear the snoring..So I had rice crispies (HELLO ) stuffed in my ears..and the "dull' roaring" of the snoring..thats like saying "go to sleep listening to a lawn mower ..with with crinkly styrofome stuck in your ears...


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> > [I second the earplug idea./QUOTE]
> >
> > I tried ear plugs ...the way they are designed they make "crinkle noises' (snap crackle pop ) in my ears..not to mention I could still hear the snoring..So I had rice crispies (HELLO ) stuffed in my ears..and the "dull' roaring" of the snoring..thats like saying "go to sleep listening to a lawn mower ..with with crinkly styrofome stuck in your ears...
> 
> ...


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Why does it always have to be about a power struggle?

I snore, badly at times. I have allergies which cause my sinuses to get inflamed. Get isn't even the word, they STAY inflamed. It's wreaked hell on myself and the wife, and began YEARS after marriage. I used to be a quiet sleeper, but every year my allergies get worse and then so does the snoring. 

ENT doctors have been able to do zilch for me. No antihistamines have had any effect on getting the inflammation down. I've tried the nettie pot and 1000 other cures people insist work. At times, my sinuses get so inflamed that they plug up the natural pressures between my ears and nose, screwing up my oxygen intake and gives me severe migraines. 

All that said, this is no picnic for my wife. She tried earplugs and the like, but my snoring cut through them. I eventually went to the couch, and thank god.. BOTH of us got a better nights sleep... for me it helped that she didn't wake me up every 5 minutes telling me to roll over and/or knock off the snoring (like I can help it). But I understand her frustrations.. not getting any sleep makes even the most docile creature into a raging wilderbeast.

ONE thing did change- When I lost 40 pounds last summer (biking,eating right) My snoring got a lot better, to the point that I sleep in the bed sometimes now, but it's not gone entirely. We have good nights and bad nights, on the bad nights we have an agreement- she wakes me NICELY and asks me to go to the couch, where I go without anger or bitterness, and then we both sleep the rest of the night in peace 

Don't hate your wife, if she goes thru half of what my wife did, you should feel sorry for her. I know you are defensive about it (as was I at first), but believe me when I tell you, this CAN end a marriage if you don't address it in a compassionaite and realistic manner- for instance, stop thinking only of yourself.

And for gods sake, get that kid out of your bed! It's pretty much fact that the longer you let the kid sleep in your bed, the more F'd up the kid is going to be in the future.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Is the air dry were you are ?? if so try a humidifier. Or some of the saline only nose spray ?? I use both and it helps my snoring


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kaboom, my husband had sinus surgery. His passages were full of nasal polyps and that's the only thing that helped. He sounded like a freight train until he did it.

Sorry for the hijack OP. I just wanted Kaboom to know I know how he feels.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> dallasapple said:
> 
> 
> > Oh yeah, no -- I totally agree! I know what kind of earplugs you are talking about. Those are truly awful. Having to jam those things in to make them stay. TERRIBLE! I was thinking about the ones that are more waxy (or Play-doughy) and comfortable. In molds into the ear and it's not the kind you have to push in very far. In fact, many swimmers use it.
> ...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I have always been really relieved that my husband doesn't snore. I think I'd find it really hard to deal with, and I'm not a light sleeper.

I don't know what else is going on, and it sounds like something else is if your noisy five year old is still welcome in the bed, but just to answer your original question; yes, if my husband snored I would want to sleep apart.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Phuck that, your old lady wants privacy and with privacy comes secrets, and with secret comes distance, with distance come infidelity.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you just started snoring, maybe your old lady love you that much that she makes up for it in other bed room games!

Find another option and see what happens.

Maybe once you control the snoring her next excuse will be you take up to much of the bed.

I'm just saying after 7 years in a haunted house one learns to sleep thru the bangs an bumps in the night.

Hell its been 5 years and now its an issue...WTF?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jerseydevil said:


> I have read a lot of articles about how sleeping in separate bedrooms saved a marriage but I am torn on this and feel resentment toward my wife.


Every one of those articles was written by a liar.

Saved a marriage?
No.
It might have salvaged the empty husk of what they now call marriage but sleeping in separate rooms/beds never saved an actual marriage worth having.

Fix the snoring and get back in your bed.


Edit:

Get the 5 year old out of your bed too.
Your wife is using every trick in the book to avoid intimacy with you and you better figure out why.
Also forget my previous advice, get back in YOUR bed tonight whether you fix the snoring or not.
Definitely try to fix the snoring so she loses an excuse but if she can't take the snoring she knows where the futon is.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And Jersey, you shouldn't be banished for your 5 year old. IMO that's all kinds of wrong. 

No kids in my bed was always a solid rule for my household when they were growing up, and same thing for me when I was growing up. My parents room was pretty off limits. The adult sanctuary if you will. There's good reasoning for that. If my kids got up sick or scared, they would come in and tap me, but I would always guide them right back to their own rooms and they in turn learned to self soothe. Your wife is (maybe knowingly) driving a wedge between you, both with the kid and this sudden need for space after 4 years.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Phuck that, your old lady wants privacy and with privacy comes secrets, and with secret comes distance, with distance come infidelity.


Actually no..not in my case..with getting away from him at night and sleeping in a area his snoring didnt roar in my ear? Came "sleep" not secrecy..not "privacy" just I got to SLEEP..Sorry if I had to distnace myslef form him to GET it..but sleep is as vital as FOOD ..you have to have it or you will not function prperly and eventually DIE...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and someone who KEEPS you awake INSISTING they have the right and its "good for your marriage" ? THAT will put nails in your coffin..To this day I do NOT forgive my husband he thought ME sleeping in the bed with HIM was more important than ME getting sleep I resent ..highly..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I feel that I am trying everything I can to make it work and wish my wife could be a bit more understanding.


Let me ask you this ..how is your wife supposed to be a "bit more understanding" that she isn't getting enough sleep night after night?OH and that its minimized and no end in sight?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Fix the snoring, but even if there is no practical solution get back in your bed. At the very least make up the futon for her to sleep on if she simply can't handle sleeping with you. It is YOUR bed, have some self respect.

(note: my advice comes from the perspective of one whose marriage failed and I believe largely in part to not only sleeping in separate rooms but from me so easily yielding the right to the marital bed).


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Im frankly surprised that you just went to the futon, no questions asked. 

H and I choose to make sleeping in our bed a priority, to the best extent possible. My H snores and I am a light sleeper. So, I started taking some hardcore sleeping pills...and with those I could sleep through the apocalypse. Sometimes my H wakes up halfway through the night and moves to the couch (his choice), sometimes I wake up halfway through the night and move to the couch (my choice). I have had this horrible cough for weeks that ia the worst at night and I wake up with 30 min coughing fits that could wake the whole house up. So I remove myself from those sleeping peacefully and go to the couch for the night.

We also have young children who on and off end up in our bed halfway through the night for whatever reason. My H and I are ok with this and bought a bed big enough to accomodate all four of us if needed. When a kid comes to bed we both cuddle them to sleep. We always get at least the first half of the night to ourselves for our intimate time, so by the time kids show up we both enjoy sleeping with them...half the time my H is holding inti me and the kid in the middle at the same time. Guess we are strange but we consider it intimate in a family sense. To each their own.

My vote is to stay in the bed if at all possible. Speak to your wife about your fears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Lon said:


> Fix the snoring, but even if there is no practical solution get back in your bed. At the very least make up the futon for her to sleep on if she simply can't handle sleeping with you. It is YOUR bed, have some self respect.
> 
> (note: my advice comes from the perspective of one whose marriage failed and I believe largely in part to not only sleeping in separate rooms but from me so easily yielding the right to the marital bed).




So its HIS bed not hers even if HE is keeping her from sleeping?How is that?Is it if she has some sort of habit that keeps HIM awake she leaves the bed or if he has some sort of habit that keeps her awake she leaves he bed?Why is the bed the 'mans?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> So its HIS bed not hers even if HE is keeping her from sleeping?How is that?Is it if she has some sort of habit that keeps HIM awake she leaves the bed or if he has some sort of habit that keeps her awake she leaves he bed?Why is the bed the 'mans?


She's the one with the complaint she can hit the futon.

This is the difference between most men & women.

A guy with an obnoxiously snoring wife would just crash until he woke up and drag his ass to the couch to sleep.

A women thinks she's entitled to have him fix her problem by putting her before himself.

However, dollars to donuts this isn't about his snoring.
This is about his wife not wanting him near her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So, I started taking some hardcore sleeping pills...and with those I could sleep through the apocalypse.


That is really really sad IMHO...But like you said to each his own.I don't think its "loving" that one person should have to take "hard core drugs" just to sleep... a basic human need . ...but again everyone has different ideas of love...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> A guy with an obnoxiously snoring wife would just crash until he woke up and drag his ass to the couch to sleep.


Excuse me?Who have you been talking too? That's what I DID.with the CHRONIC 10 years solid snoring like a BLOW HORN chainsaw husband..HE complained I didn't STAY in the bed..I MOVED to get some SLEEP...I DRAGGED my ass all over the house trying to find a spot I could sleep in..You need to talk to more people.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Excuse me?Who have you been talking too? That's what I DID.with the CHRONIC 10 years solid snoring like a BLOW HORN chainsaw husband..HE complained I didn't STAY in the bed..I MOVED to get some SLEEP...I DRAGGED my ass all over the house trying to find a spot I could sleep in..You need to talk to more people.


Nope, I'm good now.

Whenever we disagree dallas I just take it as even more evidence that I'm correct.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't think it's about the snoring. Not if it has just now become an issue.
> 
> It's a power struggle. There's something else going on that isn't getting resolved well, and this is your wife's way of feeling like she has some power and control. Is there something happening in your lives that she's frustrated with? If you don't know, I'd encourage you to ask.


That feels like a reach without more information.

Over the last year, 4 out of 5 nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep because of snoring. I finally decided I was getting tired of waking up, walking the length of the house, and starting over in a cold bed every night. Now most nights during the week I just start in the pouting room instead.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> She's the one with the complaint she can hit the futon.


Hes the one with the problem..that yes she complains about..you make as much sense as saying "shes the one complaining he is stabbing her with a knife,,she can hit futon if she doesnt like it"

i DONT GET IT..Why do people think just because you are married you have some sort of entitelment or God given right to deprive your spouse of something as basic as sleep and if they dont LIKE it they can sleep in tent.Its amazing...


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Maybe to you it wouldn't be but to her it is."Noticable but not excessive" is your opinion ..especially you arent the one having to sleep next to someone doing "noticable not excessive" snoring all night long every night..
> 
> My husband "denied" his snoring should be an issue or keep me SLEEP deprived every single night all night long..and he WAS like a freight train /combo FOG horn chain saw every night..I MOVED and slept elsewhere ..he said I was "over reacting " + he said " I snored too"..and I was being TORTURED...for 10 solid years..he refused to believe his snoring actually was "that big a deal" ..it was ME who was "making it up" and a "big deal out of nothing...even thought I was willing ot sleep on a lumpy couch..or in a TREE limb in the cold ..rather than have that blowing six incehs from my ear night after night...


This sounds like I could have written it. I am a light sleeper and even ear plugs did me no good. I ended up on the couch night after night if I wanted to get any sleep. He would get angry and say that he slept better when I was there with him but I thought "so I guess that means that I should do without sleep at all?!". He tried the nasal strips and it didn't do much for the snoring although he said it did. How would he know if he was sleeping through it?? He never answered that one.

OP- I believe your wife BUT I don't think it's fair that you got kicked out. If weight is an issue (since you are on CPAP), then do what you can in that arena. It DOES help. I don't have an answer for you but I hope you two can work it out because obviously this can/will hurt the marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO snores. He has allergies and that makes the snoring worse during allergy season. Ear plugs usually are good enough to block out enough sound for me to fall asleep and stay asleep. 

However, he caught a cold while we were on vacation once, and I wanted to strangle him in his sleep because the ear plugs did absolutely NO good whatsoever. And there was no other room to go to in the hotel, so I was stuck. I lay there all night contemplating how exactly I might kill him and dump his body in the ocean right there. And I love this man! But not when his loud snoring is keeping me up all freaking night.

So, I get what your wife is telling you about your snoring. 

Suggest ear plugs, but that may not do the trick if your snoring is too loud. I wouldn't recommend sleeping pills, because she can get acclimated to those and need more and more pills to keep her asleep. Plus, with young kids, that's a bad idea. Separate rooms might be better than getting murdered in your sleep.

And wear your CPAP machine since you have apnea...maybe it's not comfortable, but neither is dying because your body isn't breathing.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Cletus said:


> That feels like a reach without more information.
> 
> Over the last year, 4 out of 5 nights I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep because of snoring. I finally decided I was getting tired of waking up, walking the length of the house, and starting over in a cold bed every night. Now most nights during the week I just start in the pouting room instead.



Exactly...IF they wont move then you should..there is NO shame in admitting SLEEP is MORE important in the end than IF you sleep in the same bed with your spouse or not..And I don't mean exceptions..Sleep is a BASIC need for our health..

When you go to the doctor and have a sickness they don't ask you "now are you sleeping in the same bed with your spouse no matter what"? 

NO they say "are getting enough sleep"!How many hours etc...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> However, he caught a cold while we were on vacation once, and I wanted to strangle him in his sleep because the ear plugs did absolutely NO good whatsoever. And there was no other room to go to in the hotel, so I was stuck. I lay there all night contemplating how exactly I might kill him and dump his body in the ocean right there.



:rofl:

YOU are ME for 10 YEARS!!!!!!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

norajane said:


> However, he caught a cold while we were on vacation once, and I wanted to strangle him in his sleep because the ear plugs did absolutely NO good whatsoever. And there was no other room to go to in the hotel, so I was stuck. I lay there all night contemplating how exactly I might kill him and dump his body in the ocean right there. And I love this man! But not when his loud snoring is keeping me up all freaking night.
> 
> 
> 
> And wear your CPAP machine since you have apnea...maybe it's not comfortable, but neither is dying because your body isn't breathing.


Yep!! I am not a violent person but this is the one thing that caused me to have irrational and violent thoughts.

CPAP is ordered for a reason. Take it seriously.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Openminded said:


> IrishGirlVA said:
> 
> 
> > Flents Ear Stopples. They are cotton and wax and they are the most perfect earplugs I have ever found (and I have tried lots of them).
> ...


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

me and my wife sleep in different rooms for that reason she snores and i am a light sleeper. she sleeps up stairs with 2 of our the boxers and i sleep downstairs with 2 .45 cal pistols on mine


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

in my tree said:


> Yep!! I am not a violent person but this is the one thing that caused me to have irrational and violent thoughts.
> 
> CPAP is ordered for a reason. Take it seriously.


Thats what Im saying people are talking about "intimacy" and for the "health of the marriage" staying in the bed together?And its not even a JOKE that many other wise rational people "sleep" deprived feel HOMICIDAL against their roaring snoring SPOUSE! Like seething hatred!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> me and my wife sleep in different rooms for that reason she snores and i am a light sleeper. she sleeps up stairs with 2 of our the boxers and i sleep downstairs with 2 .45 cal pistols on mine


:smthumbup:

That is probably for the best.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

in my tree said:


> This sounds like I could have written it. I am a light sleeper and even ear plugs did me no good. I ended up on the couch night after night if I wanted to get any sleep. He would get angry and say that he slept better when I was there with him but I thought "so I guess that means that I should do without sleep at all?!". He tried the nasal strips and it didn't do much for the snoring although he said it did. How would he know if he was sleeping through it?? He never answered that one.
> 
> OP- I believe your wife BUT I don't think it's fair that you got kicked out. If weight is an issue (since you are on CPAP), then do what you can in that arena. It DOES help. I don't have an answer for you but I hope you two can work it out because obviously this can/will hurt the marriage.


OMG!!! thats exactly what my husband said..he said "I sleep better with you in the bed".. and Im like ??Well CONGRATULATIONS I get SOME sleep without you in the bed with me at ALL!IOW I'm supposed to lay awake most of the night LISTENING to a french horn /train whistle /LEAF blowing /HEDGE clipper BLOWING in my ear so you can "sleep better"?How about I can sleep AT ALL not just "better" with you NOWHERE near me? HELLO can you be more selfish! I'm asking for ANY sleep hes asking for me to give ANY sleep up for him to have "better sleep"?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Am I the only one who doesn't get how recording yourself is going to tell
you how loud you are? This one goes to 11! 
However you have your volume set on your playback is how loud it's going to seem. That makes no sense. 

I'm a light sleeper and ear plugs don't work for me. In addition after I had my daughter I became an even lighter sleeper. 
I don't think parents with young kids should wear ear plugs at night. It's not safe. 

Have you tried some of the snore sprays? 

After I had my daughter my ex and I hardly ever slept in the same bed. He snored so loudly and between him and waking up when my daughter cried I really literally felt like I was going to go insane from sleep deprivation. He either slept on the couch or I slept on a futon in her room. 
I think of you have recently started snoring or it's gotten worse then she has the right to a good night's sleep. 

Maybe you could trade off sleeping in the office. 

If you have always been a bad snorer and it's only now that she has issues with it, that is fishy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

My snoring didn't bother my wife, but the funny thing is, I'm a light sleeper and it was keeping ME up. People who snore sometimes don't realize that it hurts their own sleep quality as well. I tried the "Puresleep" mouthpiece and it worked but it hurt like hell. I ended up making something very similar myself with a sports mouthpiece and it works like a charm.

Now, you women on here complaining about trying to sleep with one snoring husband. Imagine being in a room with 20 snoring guys!!! That's what has happened to me on several of my military assignments. Sleep is nearly impossible, and earplugs are useless. I did find a solution though, and it works like a miracle.

I just found a comfortable pair of earbud headphones and I play an mp3 file of a rainstorm on a loop so it plays over and over (you can download stuff like that all over the net). I cranked up the sound, and I can hear nothing else. I can sleep to the sound of rain, no problem. In fact, I slept *better* with the sound of rain. It was like a solution from heaven. You could choose the sound of surf, waves, or whatever else you want, as long as it makes a good white noise then you'll be fine.


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## Jerseydevil (Mar 8, 2013)

Thanks for all the responses. You all provided many different perspectives. What is clear is there is no clear answer.

To start off, I can clear a few questions: 1) I am 6' 2" and 206 lbs so I could loose a little weight and it might help a little but I don't think it will fix the problem 2) My Dr told me my sleep apnea was borderline and I really didnt need it for health reasons but I got it any way to help stop the snoring 3) I didnt just agree to move to office. It was gradual...at first I did it on my own to give her a couple of good night sleeps occasionally and then she sprung on the moving into the office permanently last week. I agreed only because she makes my life miserable during the night (punches & foul language) when I snore and miserable during the day for not letting her sleep. Therefore, I am hoping that if I sleep in the office, her mood will change if she had a good night sleep.

Having said that, I think I just answered my question. I think I will stick it out for a while and see if it improves her mood and our relationship. If not, I will know its not about the snoring.

Unfortunately, I think if its not the snoring, it will be something else. If that is the case, I think I will approach her to come back to the bed because it isn't improving her mood or our marriage. Maybe also by then I will have lost some weight and I will also look into those wax earplugs. We have tried the squishy ones but not the wax. I will try anything to fix this! Thanks.


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## Jerseydevil (Mar 8, 2013)

Theseus, I'm with you on the "PureSleep" my teeth feel like they are loose in the morning and it takes a while for the discomfort to go away! Can you please share how you modified the sports mouth piece? Thanks!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Like other posters, my husband is a snorer. It comes and goes with allergy season and if he's sick, but OMG if he manages to get sick -during- allergy season, you might assume he's one of the Titans trying to escape Tartarus. 

I've tried ear plugs, I ended up with an ear infection. I've tried holding my breath until I faint, I tried meditation to ignore it. But, there are times it gets so bad, I leave. We don't have a couch, we don't have an extra bedroom. I sleep on the floor in the living room, and though that rarely helps and I never fall asleep, at least the noise has stopped. 

Hell, I was on the floor trying to sleep in the living room when I was in labor with my son (it was stop and start for four days, ugh) because I was trying to be understanding, and he was snoring away like a train. I mean, if there was ever going to be - I kicked him out due to snoring moment, that should have been it. :lol:

If you need a CPAP machine for your sleep apnea, I kind of have a hard time believing it "isn't that bad" - it's probably worse than you realize. And - the kids just might not "hear" as well as when they are asleep as your wife does. If your wife is used to her child sleeping in the bed with her, she might be subconsciously used to listening for noises so her child is okay. 

Speaking of which, you need to get that five year old of your bed. How are you ever intimate with her there every night? So, I'd say the battle for intimacy needs that addressed first. Did each of the kids sleep in the bed that long, is this your "natural family planning" technique?


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Exactly...IF they wont move then you should..there is NO shame in admitting SLEEP is MORE important in the end than IF you sleep in the same bed with your spouse or not..And I don't mean exceptions..Sleep is a BASIC need for our health..
> 
> When you go to the doctor and have a sickness they don't ask you "now are you sleeping in the same bed with your spouse no matter what"?
> 
> NO they say "are getting enough sleep"!How many hours etc...


agreed. and equally important is the quality of your sleep. if you technically get 8 hours but you spend that 8 hours constantly being woken up by the snoring over and over again, you don't get the chance to complete a full sleep cycle, and missing out on that on a regular basis is disaster for your health. 

The people who are complaining about their spouse not being able to tolerate their snoring- it's understandable that your feelings may be hurt, and it's understandable that you desire to have your partner close to you in bed. But before you give them a hard time about it, you need to spend an entire week's worth of nights being kept awake until 2 or 3 am and then woken up by an alarm clock every 10-15 minutes for the rest of the night, and then getting up in the morning for work. Then notice how you feel (hint: AWFUL, mentally/emotionally and physically). Because honestly that's what it's like to sleep with someone who snores. 

It has nothing to do with not wanting the person and everything to do with NEEDING proper sleep in order to function.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If I snored and it was keeping my husband awake, I would insist on sleeping elsewhere to protect his rest. Just like I did in the early newborn days when I needed the light on, and/ or they were too noisy. 

Why is it such an insult? It's just basic consideration.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Jerseydevil said:


> Theseus, I'm with you on the "PureSleep" my teeth feel like they are loose in the morning and it takes a while for the discomfort to go away! Can you please share how you modified the sports mouth piece? Thanks!


Gladly. I think this is the product I bought:

Brain Pad LoPro+ Adult Mouth Guard - SportsAuthority.com

But whatever one you get, it has to be the kind that protects both the upper and lower teeth, AND at the same time it has to be the kind that you boil first to mold it to your teeth. When you put it in your mouth to shape it, push your lower jaw forward a bit to make a slight underbite, and let it set like that. Works the same as the PureSleep but is a lot softer. Also protects your teeth from grinding too.

For me anyway, it works pretty well. My wife and kids said I am much quieter.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

She punched you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

I'll preface my comments with this: *my wife snores* due to a nasal condition, so I know exactly what it means to be on the other side of this issue.



Jerseydevil said:


> I have read a lot of articles about how sleeping in separate bedrooms saved a marriage but I am torn on this and feel resentment toward my wife.


Being less intimate with a spouse never saved a marriage. 



> We have been married for 5 years and now for the past year, snoring has been an issue.


I noticed from a later post that your weight was normal. Weight gain is the #1 reason men start to snore. This leads me to think that you've been snoring all along. So, why it is just now becoming an issue?



> I do admit I snore but I am not one of those freight train snorers. I recorded it and its noticeable but not excessive. My kids can sleep in the same room with me without any problem so it cant be that bad.


You should probably record your snoring with some light music playing in the background. That way you have something to gauge your snoring level against.

The fact that your kids can sleep in the same room would seem to back up your belief that it isn't freight train level.



> I have also done the sleep study and diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and tried the CPAP mask to stop snoring. But now it's the air noise from the nasal pillows that keeps my wife awake and cant sleep.


This is not reasonable. Does a clock ticking also keep her awake? The air noise would eventually become a sort of white-noise for most people. Hardly a barrier to sleeping at all.



> Our 5 year old sleeps in our bed and she sometimes snores and always kicks and elbows and she isnt banished from our bed.


Red flag. Huge red flag. A child sleeping with their parents is an absolute barrier to intimacy between spouses.



> So now I have been sleeping in our office for a week. Every night I open the futon and make my bed. This isn't how I pictured married life. I believe a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed or else you loose intimacy. Is that old fashioned? Am I being selfish for wanting to stay in our bedroom?


IMHO, you are headed towards a sexless marriage. Snoring aside, your wife seems oversensitive to things YOU might do to wake her (like your air mask), but perfectly OK with the things others might do to wake her (like a kicking, squirming child).

As I said at the top of the thread, I'm sensitive to the problem of having a snoring spouse. But, in my opinion, there is something else going on here.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I don't think it's about the snoring. Not if it has just now become an issue.


I would have to disagree with this.My husband didn't snore at least not to the severity he ended up doing(it didnt affect my ability to sleep sound) for the first 10 years of our marriage.He also did the ole "you never complained before"..well because he didn't snore like that before.And it for me was quite insulting that of all the things I could "make up" that he was doing to irritate me was snoring.Including I would have had to have deliberatley somehow awakened in the middle of the night sometimes dozens of times just shove him(and for a decade) ...and I guess I was just being a drama queen dragging my weary butt with my pillows and my blanket 1/2 the nights to relocate at 3 or 4 am...then when he did lose about 10 or 15 lbs and he quit having his nightly 2 to 4 stiff crowns and 7 (to help him sleep ironically he said) I stopped "noticing it' and I will swear on a stack of Bibles or my grandmothers grave whatever it wasn't a 10 year conspiracy to try and get him to lose weight or quit drinking.And its not a coincidence that those 2 factors are listed as a possible cause or contributor to someone with a bad snoring PROBLEM..Because I'm sure all of us snore a little bit.I even observed babies snoring slightly over the years.

The point is it can NOT be a problem then turn into a problem and certain factors may or may not be causing /contributing to it.Even allergies..someone who has no allergies..can develop them later in life and it can be a factor.Smoking can be another culprit..

My husband and I had enough problems over the years that I had no motivation to decide to use his "mild" snoring as an excuse to not want to sleep in the bed with him or be angry at him.The snoring was a specific issue that needed to be dealt with not a cure for all our issues either.I just was able to finally get some sleep in my own bed.More like one LESS problem to have to deal with that was a DAILY one.

I guess it hits a nerve with me because my husband had that attitude that I was more or less making it up (that it was causing me that much distress or "really" keeping me awake) because I never complained before and that I was just "looking " for something "else" to complain about.While I would litterally lay in the bed sometimes and just start crying like a baby because I was SOOOO exhausted while he laid there ROARING knowing he was completely denying it was even a real problem.Or that I was blowing it out of proportion .


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You should probably record your snoring with some light music playing in the background. That way you have something to gauge your snoring level against.


Also remember there is a difference in being wide awake listening to snoring ..and being exhausted trying to sleep with someone snoring 6 inches from your ear(and dont forget every night ).I could listen to a recording of someone snoring pretty bad right now (I'm bright eyed and busy tailed) for 10 mintutes on high and I would probably laugh at the sounds.But put that recorder on the pillow next to me tonight after I have been up 15 or 16 hours and sleepy and play it ALL NIGHT LONG and especially repeat that every single night and it wouldnt take long for the recorder to be in MANY different pieces and probably a hole in the wall from the impact of it hitting it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh but I will agree..the 5 year old IMHO should be sleeping in their own bed..I know people have different ideas..But the only time I had th kids in our bed was the last one because I nursed and that was the only way I could get any sleep until he was maybe 6 months old and the occassional child waking up scared to get in bed with us ..or if they woke up sick..

When my grandson stays the night with us he sleeps in the bed with us..hate to say it but I kind of resent his mom and dad because they have trained him to "need" to sleep in the bed with someone.(and he is almost 5 too)He wont go to bed until you lay down with him either.And he kicks like a mule and whacks you in the face all night.NO THANKS!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> This is not reasonable. Does a clock ticking also keep her awake? The air noise would eventually become a sort of white-noise for most people. Hardly a barrier to sleeping at all.


It depends on the person.I have heard other "spouses" complaining the noise from that machine was not much better or as much of a disturbance as the snoring and I just don't believe all these people are making up that they cant sleep.

I will say some are more sensitive to light and noise than others and I also think our chemistry can change.I can NOT believe I used to be able to sleep (especially as a teenager) with my stereo on and all the lights (or the T.V etc)..Now I want to be like in a CAVE I even cover up the light from the VCR (it glows orange) and the only noise is the fan which is truly white noise.

My husband will even complain he has trouble sleeping if I stay in the den with the T.V on after he goes to bed.I don't think he is just making that up.And its not really fair for me to say "you are just too sensitive' you are being unreasonable so too bad.I believe him .IOW I'm not going to treat him how he treated me.I'm going to treat him how I would want to be treated (would like to have been ) when it comes to something as important as being able to get the best rest /sleep possible.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> The fact that your kids can sleep in the same room would seem to back up your belief that it isn't freight train level.


I hate to keep arguing but this is also not necessarily true.Have you ever seen a child or the image of a child sound asleep in a stroller in places as loud as an amusement park?I have..what about say at a loud family gathering for a holiday or barbeque that runs late and the child is running around one minute then all of the sudden you see them "passed out" in a spot somewhere "sleeping like a baby" with 15 adults talking and laughing and lights on music going etc...I think adults and children can not be compared when it comes to ability to fall asleep and stay asleep as far as noise and light..I WISH we could stay like that but most of dont.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> Why does it always have to be about a power struggle?
> 
> .


It doesn't always have to be. But in this case, it certainly seems to be. They've been together 5 years and it's just now a problem. But it's only a problem for her when it comes to him, but not their kid. Reeks of a "pick and choose" mentality that reveals it's just a way to be critical of him.

If it was something she told him had gotten worse, I'd think it was about the snoring.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> It doesn't always have to be. But in this case, it certainly seems to be. They've been together 5 years and it's just now a problem. But it's only a problem for her when it comes to him, but not their kid. Reeks of a "pick and choose" mentality that reveals it's just a way to be critical of him.
> 
> If it was something she told him had gotten worse, I'd think it was about the snoring.


You could be right.But I disagree it "reeks" of pick and choose or just a way to be critical of him.My children when they were younger could sleep through MANY things (noises /light /activity around them) that neither I nor my husband could.As well as in 5 years something could have changed that caused his snoring to get worse and his doctor even told him it was "borderline' not that he had no issue at all.And its not entirely impossible either that she did at the same time become a lighter sleeper and its the combination ..IOW I'm not convinced she is making this up or trying to just find a way to critisize him and the snoring is not really an issue.That she is not REALLy being kept awake by it and she is not really sleep deprived.That is what is being leveled.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh wait Kathy you meant problem for her he snores but not problem for her she sleeps fine with the kid?Hmmm..yeah I would like to ask her myself how that is.It could be the snoring is a constannt unrelenting disturbence and the mule kicking and back of the palm face slaps by the child are far more infrequent.Either way I personally couldn't dont want to sleep with that either.I dont even like my cats in the bed anymore and I have slept with dogs and cats most of my adult life..I dont even think really I realized how much they bothered me til I banned them.Now if they sneak their way in there it drives me nuts...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

After 18 years of sleeping with a pillow over my ear, and finally ear plus too at night to try and stay in the same bed as husband, I choose to now sleep in the spare bedroom. I am also a light sleeper with a busy schedule and I found myself tired constantly. I would wake in the middle of the night to husband's snoring and could not go back to sleep for hours. He tried nose strips, mouth pieces, I would tap him so he could turn over and nothing worked.

Finally I can sleep in peace, no pillow over my head, my energy is back and I love it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Jerseydevil said:


> This isn't how I pictured married life. I believe a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed or else you loose intimacy.


I feel exactly this way. And frankly, if anyone is leaving the marital bed it should be her. If she doesn't want to sleep with her husband then SHE can take the futon.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Jerseydevil said:
> 
> 
> > This isn't how I pictured married life. I believe a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed or else you loose intimacy. /QUOTE]
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you still having sex? Is she making an effort to keep intimacy alive since she's forcing you to be separate? Agreeing to move out of the bedroom was a very submissive act on your part. In most cases I would think that would lead to less attraction.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> WorkingOnMe said:
> 
> 
> > The way I look at that is its not (we cant "assume") she doesn't want to SLEEP with her husband but because of her husband's snoring she cant SLEEP.So its more like if she wants to SLEEP (litterally) at all (which is not a want its a NEED) then she cant do that if she is in the same bed with him.Sleep has nothing to do with want..its a basic and vital requirement for optimal HEALTH.Having nothing to do with marriage.There is a reason sleep deprivation has over history been used to TORTURE prisoners of war..NEEDING sleep trumps being in the same bed at night as your spouse while they snore and you lay awake.
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and OP..I'm not accusing you of being very overweight..my husband was like a bone when we married..maybe even too skinny..but over the years he was at a healthy "weight' but then maybe 10-20 lbsover weight..at different points.Like 5"10 at 190 /200lbs..NOT anywhere near "obese"..but he carried that right in the middle of his stomach the classic "pot belly"..(or beer belly?)..The alcohol in his case he ws not a "raging alcoholic" or slobbering drunk..he just got in the habit of having those 2-4 "stiff ones" every night..so say 4 to 6 "shots" of whiskey a night as a "relaxer' and he is a on again off again smoker.He lost 15 lbs ..quit the alcohol and the snoring went form level 11 (10 being the worst) to level 4.I don't know if just the weight loss would have done it..or just the abstaining from regular alcohol use..So if you could even stand to lose 10 or 15 lbs that could be the culprit.Especially if you are according to the doctor "borderline" on sleep apnea.

THEN as others have suggested get that baby out of the bed so you both can get some sleep...Dont want you to think I have no sympathy for your side of it..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> dallasapple said:
> 
> 
> > That's fine. I don't know what to do about that. All I know is I didn't get married to sleep alone on a futon.
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I dont think anyone did..But I did not get married to NOT sleep .Their is a difference in SLEEPING alone ..and NOT sleeping .When I got married I did not agree that meant I gave up the basic need to SLEEP ..alone or otherwise..And sleeping "alone' is far less of any kind of issue to me than NOT sleeping..its BIOLOGICAL and its in the same category is EATING."laying in the bed with someone while they sleep and you are awake" is NOT a biolgical need.Nor good for you in fact NOT good for you .


If she wants to break the marital bed, then SHE should be the one to sleep alone on a futon. She should be the outcast, not him.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Are you still having sex? Is she making an effort to keep intimacy alive since she's forcing you to be separate? Agreeing to move out of the bedroom was a very submissive act on your part. In most cases I would think that would lead to less attraction.


Have you experienced this?For me the "less attraction" was my husband didn't give a flip I was being tortured by his snoring and I highly resented I had to roam the house trying to find a quiet place to sleep.I LOST attraction for him watching him lay in the bed snoring like the classic freight train..(but add in chain saw and leaf blower) was a MAJOR turn off..Why would anyone be "attracted" to a man(or woman) that didn't give a rats rear if you even got something as basic as sleep?Which TRUMPS sex as far as personal/ health survival.The 3 FOOD/SLEEP/Shelter from the extremes..SEX /intimacy can not replace those..and each of those 3 can't save you if you dont have all 3..You NEED all 3 of those to survive THEN you have sex..Sex is 4..but you wont even DIE without it unlike the 3..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If she wants to break the marital bed, then SHE should be the one to sleep alone on a futon. She should be the outcast, not him.


Correction ..if she wants to SLEEP then she must break the marital bed.If she stays in the marital bed..then SHE is the outcast because she has to FORFEIT a basic HUMAN need.SLEEP.

"Marital bed" is NOT a basic human need.From newborn to 115+ year old human MUST have sleep .."marital bed" is not more important than that..in fact not even close.And he is keeping HER awake not the other way around..

But OP I will say I credit you a LOT that at least you went to the doctor and are trying to fix it..Which shows you are taking her need to sleep seriously...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Also to the OP's credit his issue seems less to be about this "who gets to stay in the "marital bed" but seems he is more concerned about them sleeping together.If she said fine and made a nest/ her sleep place the futon to get her rest how would that even solve his desire to not be separate? Then what would the advice be? If she wont sleep IN the marital bed with you forfeiting her sleep she has broken the "marriage" kick her to the curb?

I MOVED and yes honestly I resented it..it was 1/2 the time the other half I was tortured..My husbands complaint? its not "normal" for married people not to sleep together..Yeah its not NORMAL for you to think being married means I don't NEED SLEEP anymore..SLEEP the key word there..I would have LOVED to "sleep" next to him....but that's not the same as "lay in the bed awake next to me listening to me snore which is keeping you awake".


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm another that didn't get married to sleep in separate rooms. My husband is gone almost half the week anyway so I want him in our bed the other half. Every few weeks my husband will have a snoring problem and I just nudge him and he turns over. Im sorry if I offend but you can't convince me that no intimacy or connection is lost when married couples are sleeping separately.

OP, you need to move back in the bedroom and the five year needs to move out.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm another that didn't get married to sleep in separate rooms. My husband is gone almost half the week anyway so I want him in our bed the other half. Every few weeks my husband will have a snoring problem and I just nudge him and he turns over. Im sorry if I offend but you can't convince me that no intimacy or connection is lost when married couples are sleeping separately.
> 
> OP, you need to move back in the bedroom and the five year needs to move out.


So in other words every few weeks your husband has a snoring problem and you just nudge him and he turns over.Sorry if I offend you but that isn't even on the same level as what is being discussed here.And you can not convince me that no intimacy or connection is lost when night after night your snoring spouse keeps you from sleeping all night long and this is ongoing.

Like comparing a cold to cancer.And saying they are both illnesses.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Ever heard of the term "right fighter"?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Ever heard of the term "right fighter"?


No mam I for one have not.

Im all ears though.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are You a "Right-Fighter"?

Insightful SM23


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Give it up, dallas. This is typical of one of those threads that happen a lot on this board - people who have no clue what they're talking about who will go to the wall to tell you you're wrong.

It's impossible to argue with.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Give it up, dallas. This is typical of one of those threads that happen a lot on this board - people who have no clue what they're talking about who will go to the wall to tell you you're wrong.
> 
> It's impossible to argue with.


O.K will do..Thanks Cletus for at least giving me faith some have rational thinking.Including I agree its not worth arguing with.Its like cancer survivors having a discussion with people who have survived the sniffles..

I'm going to sing that song called ...I DONT care!!!!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is the difference between most men & women.
> 
> A guy with an obnoxiously snoring wife would just crash until he woke up and drag his ass to the couch to sleep.
> 
> ...


No really, it's about snoring. I have slept on the sofa more times than I can count so I could get a good nights sleep. I leave, as I am a capable person. To suggest that she is selfish is a bit much. I mean come on.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My ex sounded like a chainsaw cutting down a fricking redwood seriously. I just made sure I went to sleep first - no way did I get married to sleep in separate beds.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

The worst thing was the sleep apnoea though. If I ever woke up he'd be renting the air with the snoring but then all of a sudden he'd stop breathing for like a minute at a time. And I'd be there, poised, slowly starting to panic as the seconds ticked by and ready to shake him awake, then just as I thought it had been way too long 'SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOREEEEEE' and he was off again

I don't miss that motherf*cker one little bit ha ha


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I sleep in a separate room. And deservedly so.

It turned out my snoring is so loud I keep the neighbours awake! 

However, to ensure you haven't got sleep apnoea, see your doctor.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Satya said:


> Same as Dolly, my ex was horribly loud but I'd gently turn him over in his sleep and this usually solved it.


Some people only snore on their backs. Put them on their side and the problem goes away.

Putting a large pillow against your back to prevent you from rolling over onto you back at night is sometimes all it takes to prevent people from snoring.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

It's pretty clear from the responses which posters have lain awake most of the night, nearly every night listening to someone snore, desperately wanting and needing to sleep but unable to, and which have not had that experience. 

Those who are able to sleep through snoring or never had a snoring spouse just don't get it.

Believe me, once this happens to YOU, it's no longer an abstract concept about 'marital power'. Your whole perspective will change.

Dallas is right- if your spouse ignores your distress and makes it clear that they are not concerned about your physical and mental well-being (as sleep is utterly necessary for both) but instead focuses only on themselves then yeah, that is obviously going to damage intimacy and cause resentment.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

If you have kids, you're probably a bit sleep deprived as it is. 

I snore, so have all my previous bf's and current H.

I play white noise. Sounds of the ocean. Gives me something to listen to, and makes me fall asleep very quickly. 

He falls asleep within seconds. Out. He used to like to go to bed together, when we had the same room. The white noise helped more than anything else I've ever tried.

Funny how when I first got married, it didni't bother either of us. Then it did. Most likely already annoyed about something else.

After all that, what I meant to ask you OP...
How do you sleep? Do you feel rested? Are you tired a lot?
Do you think your snoring affects your health? 

Do you take turns getting up with the kids on weekends? 
do you snore on your side too? Ever tried a body pillow?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah. Everyone who is posting that they would never sleep separately from their spouse, has never gone weeks without enough sleep to function.

They are thinking of snoring as an annoyance, not a condition that deprives a spouse of a basic human necessity of life. I guess it's hard to put yourself in someone else's place. "But *I* just go to sleep first. But* I* just nudge my husband". Well...clearly that does not work for others.

Think of it this way- what if it was eating? You could either sleep next to your spouse every night, or eat. One or the other. Your spouse is upset that you seek to reject him by sleeping in a different bed, and ignores the fact that if you don't, you're going to starve to death. He feels you should just get over it. Stop making such a big deal about eating. What about the marriage? What about HIS needs? 

This is what you feel like when dealing with a spouse whose snoring keeps you up all night, night after night and then makes you feel guilty about your desperate efforts to find relief.

It's really the type of reaction you'd expect from a child to a mommy, not an adult man or woman to his or her adult partner, imo.


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## ColemanBooks (Mar 20, 2013)

Snoring sucks...no doubt. I'm an airline pilot and have had to sleep in the crewroom on occassion with guys that absolutely blew the ceiling up and down...made Fred Flinstone hang his head in defeat. I would stare at the blackness of the room all night and wonder how these guys wives function. Earplugs didn't dent it. Don't underestimate it. Make her happy, do what she wants...even if that is the couch for a while until you can find a fix.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We all had our little ideas of what marriage would be like, then life happens. Sleeping all cuddled up sounds all romantic but people have to sleep to function. The OP's wife probably didn't grow up dreaming about sleeping with Darth Vader. If a futon in the office helps everybody sleep so the family can function, then haul out the futon.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's kind of strange how on this issue both sides seem to be very rigid. The "must sleep together" crowd, of which I am one, cannot acknowledge that lack of sleep is more important than marital intimacy. And the separate crowd can't seem to acknowledge their part in destroying that intimacy. But both can't be right. Perhaps there's some middle ground. I don't know where it is, I just know that I'm not willing to sleep alone on most nights. If I come home late from work, or if I think she needs better sleep I'll voluntarily take the couch without telling her. But I won't be kicked out, and if her leaving the bed leads me to a sexless marriage again, I'm out. She knows this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lettucewrap said:


> When you don't sleep for months or years, please let us know how you feel?


When you don't have sex for 10 years please let me know how you feel.

Like I said, everyone has rigid thinking on this issue. You're certainly not changing my mind. Not even close. And of course I'm not changing yours.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Lack of sleep will contribute to lack of sex and a host of other ailments. An effective torture technique is lack of sleep. Lack of sex, not so much.

No contest on which is both psychologically and physically worse for a person.

I snore like a freight train. Had a sleep analysis and diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. Got a CPAP machine prescribed for me. Sleep like a silent Ninja except for the white noise of escaping air. My wife sleeps soundly too right next to me in our bed. 

We have no lack of sex and share our marriage bed and snoring is cured.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's kind of strange how on this issue both sides seem to be very rigid. The "must sleep together" crowd, of which I am one, cannot acknowledge that lack of sleep is more important than marital intimacy. And the separate crowd can't seem to acknowledge their part in destroying that intimacy. But both can't be right. Perhaps there's some middle ground. I don't know where it is, I just know that I'm not willing to sleep alone on most nights. If I come home late from work, or if I think she needs better sleep I'll voluntarily take the couch without telling her. But I won't be kicked out, and if her leaving the bed leads me to a sexless marriage again, I'm out. She knows this.


Get a recording of a discordant tuba blowing in and out, with some random snorts thrown in, and place it right next to your ear, right on the pillow. Set it on loop so it plays all night. Every night. For weeks, months, years. 

Not only will you be unable to sleep, you'll find that you'll develop the exact opposite of intimate feelings for the tuba.

That might help you gain some insight.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's kind of strange how on this issue both sides seem to be very rigid. The "must sleep together" crowd, of which I am one, cannot acknowledge that lack of sleep is more important than marital intimacy. And the separate crowd can't seem to acknowledge their part in destroying that intimacy. But both can't be right. Perhaps there's some middle ground. I don't know where it is, I just know that I'm not willing to sleep alone on most nights. If I come home late from work, or if I think she needs better sleep I'll voluntarily take the couch without telling her. But I won't be kicked out, and if her leaving the bed leads me to a sexless marriage again, I'm out. She knows this.


That's because you're making the basic conflict about issues _other_ than a basic human survival need for sleep, and you're not getting that a spouse who feels like you don't care about her needs or even acknowledge that she has them- is eventually going to resent the hell out of you.

You're assuming that the wife is using the snoring as an excuse to put distance between herself and her husband and shirk her wifely sex duties, instead of it just being about the fact that _she can't function without sleep_.

I don't really see that sleeping in a different room, in and of itself, destroys intimacy. You're not having sex while you're sleeping. You don't know if there is a person next to you or not. 

It's also worth pointing out that a sleep-deprived woman is not likely to have a strong libido.

Not that it's an ideal situation either, and I think we pretty much all agree on that. Ideally, husband and wife sleep in the same bed, and both get sufficient sleep. But if it turns out that is impossible, well, obviously some sort of solution has to be put into place. Suggesting that the woman should just suffer and be sleep-deprived forever for 'the good of the marriage' is absurd.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You can minimize my concerns for my sex life all you want. Bottom line, I simply won't stay married to someone I'm not intimate with. I went without for too long and that is now a hard boundary for me.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You can minimize my concerns for my sex life all you want. Bottom line, I simply won't stay married to someone I'm not intimate with. I went without for too long and that is now a hard boundary for me.


I think we're just talking about two completely different topics here. No one is suggesting you should stay married to someone who won't have sex with you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> I think we're just talking about two completely different topics here. No one is suggesting you should stay married to someone who won't have sex with you.


No, I know exactly how this works. First you start sleeping separately, then you wake up 10 years later to discover you've been clinically sexless for most of your marriage. I'm not falling into that trap again, ever.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I build intimacy when I'm awake. When I'm asleep, I have no idea even where I am. Nobody's creating tons of magic with a 3 year old in the bed, anyway.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No, I know exactly how this works. First you start sleeping separately, then you wake up 10 years later to discover you've been clinically sexless for most of your marriage. I'm not falling into that trap again, ever.


Well, actually this thread isn't about you and the amount of sex in your marriage, unless I'm missing something.

Just for the sake of argument, what is your solution if a husband or wife is unable to sleep next to a snoring spouse? They just need to accept their lot in life and suffer while their physical and mental health declines? Divorce?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Folks, there are medical solutions to snoring. I'm living proof of one of those successful solutions.

If a spouse snores 
And it disrupts keep of the other spouse
And sharing a bed is important 

Explore the medical remedies
Then explore environmental remedies
Then explore physical solutions (snoring can be related to weight)
Then come here and send an SOS


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> Well, actually this thread isn't about you and the amount of sex in your marriage, unless I'm missing something.
> 
> Just for the sake of argument, what is your solution if a husband or wife is unable to sleep next to a snoring spouse? They just need to accept their lot in life and suffer while their physical and mental health declines? Divorce?


Go back and read the OP. This thread is absolutely about losing intimacy because a married couple is not sleeping together. It's certainly not about a woman who is so tortured by snoring that she can't function. Here's a man who snores so lightly that his child has no problem sleeping with him, but his wife kicks him out because she's annoyed. And I think that based on what he wrote it's probably a BS excuse that she used to get him out of the bedroom. He even found a medical solution. He got a CPAP and that cured the snoring, but then she didn't like the humming of the CPAP machine.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Folks, there are medical solutions to snoring. I'm living proof of one of those successful solutions.
> 
> If a spouse snores
> And it disrupts keep of the other spouse
> ...


I think that's part of the problem. Some snorers have no interest in medical remedies. They don't want to repair a deviated septum, or participate in a sleep study to see if they have sleep apnea, or don't want to use a CPAP. They aren't interested enough in losing weight, or not drinking alcohol, or wearing a nose strip or mouth guard. They don't want to try to do anything about it. 

So the sleep deprived spouses are to do what if ear plugs and fans and white noise machines aren't enough? Just not sleep forever?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> I think that's part of the problem. Some snorers have no interest in medical remedies. They don't want to repair a deviated septum, or participate in a sleep study to see if they have sleep apnea, or don't want to use a CPAP. They aren't interested enough in losing weight, or not drinking alcohol, or wearing a nose strip or mouth guard. They don't want to try to do anything about it.
> 
> So the sleep deprived spouses are to do what if ear plugs and fans and white noise machines aren't enough? Just not sleep forever?


If the snorer refuses to avail himself of any of the many possible remedies, then it seems time for separate rooms. If the snorer whines about no conjugal bed or a lessening of intimacy then he should demonstrate his concern for his mate by trying those many remedies or otherwise get used to sleeping alone.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Sleeping (or not sleeping actually) next to my husband while he roared away night after night did not "preserve" intimacy because I was physically in the bed with him it DETERIATED intimacy because I basically began to not be able to stand him at all.INCLUDING I didn't WANT to sleep in any other bed or on a lumpy couch.I felt EJECTED out of MY bed.But worse and incredibly he then COMPLAINED he "slept better" with me in the bed.Like I think Pink Lady said.It would be no different than saying I was destroying the "intimacy" if my husband said I had to choose between food or sleeping next to him when I chose FOOD I was accused abandoning the marital bed and avoiding intimacy.


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