# Hope Beyond Hope



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Is it unwise to keep hoping things will not continue down the path they are going? Over a week ago we talked and decided to divorce after 18 years of marriage. We sat our four kids down and talked to them too, they seem to be handling it so well. I am still in the house, there's not fighting and in fact we get along really well talking each day just like nothing is changing. Still things are changing. I already talked to my attorney, she's going to talk to her's and we have an appointment in a couple days with a financial adviser to sort all that out. 

Last week after talking to my attorney the possibility of a legal separation was mentioned. I almost just ignored that advice but when I mentioned it to my wife she said yes she would consider it. She said that at times she feels like this divorce is the right things to do but other times she has doubts. I don't think this is the right thing to do but that won't change things. 

Is it unwise to keep hoping and when do you stop?

EDIT - We talked a little this morning again about the legal separation weighing the pro's and con's of it. There are questions we have about it like is it easy to go from that to divorce or reverse it? Is that expensive and how does a legal separation impact taxes especially when you have kids. Still we both agreed that's the way to go. While I like that idea, I really do, I also feel like it offers some hope too that might be for nothing. Then I think about how I will move out of this house, still hoping, but perhaps nothing will come of it. By then though I might not care to hope as much. I might find that it was the best thing for me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oviid, how did you get to this point? How did you reach this decision? If you don't want to divorce, and she is on the fence, then maybe there is still a chance for you both to save your marriage.

I think I know what many of the men on here would advise you to do, so I'll let them do that.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Our marriage problems began a long time ago with lack of emotional support and other things I suspect many couples face. The problem is these issues were never resolved over the years even after two attempts at marriage counseling. We have been on the brink of this before but never here. We are currently doing all the steps needed to go forward with at least a legal separation. My wife told me, after a talk about divorce, that she just can't do it. What she means is she just can't make it work. She can't change her feelings and can't feel vulnerable around me.

For the record I've never hit her, cheated, called her out of her name or fought with her other than a few arguments here and there. The way I see it is the issues we had early on with a controlling nature I had at the time caused her to shut down. That was so long ago, like 10 or more years, but still her feelings have not improved. I guess there comes a point when you have to say you tried but it didn't work. I'm just not at that point I guess.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

When we married, almost 18 years ago, we did great for around three- four years. Then we started going to a church that was rather strict and taught that the man is the head of the household and that the woman should be submissive and even obedient. I got really involved in the church even more so than she. As a result I attempted to implement these things in my own home honestly thinking it was the right thing for my family, what a fool I was. My wife though didn't like the idea of being treated like a second class citizen and especially from her own husband and I don't blame her, to hell with that. Eventually , after a a few years, she just shut down. She'd had enough of it and that's when things got really bad. Everything changed and I could tell she wasn't feeling it anymore and would not take it. I'm glad she did that because it pulled me out of that nightmare.

At that time we talked and honestly I thought our marriage would end, that was around 6 years ago. We decided to try counseling to see if something could be done but really I was so indoctrinated that I could not imagine life outside of the kind of church we were in. The counseling helped us talk but it didn't really resolve those issues. As a result we carried on trying to work on us but not really having the tools to make it work. 

Forward a year or so and we were back at that point where it might end. This time her resolve seemed stronger still but once again we decided to try marriage counseling. This time it was better and we did talk about some real issues. By this time too I was no longer with the mindset I had adopted from my days in that church so I think that helped too. We both also decided to get personal counseling away form marriage counseling. For me that was amazing and really helped me. For her it wasn't great, she didn't click with her counselor, and certain issues that built up over time didn't resolve. 

Our marriage did improve for a short time until she decided to go back to school around 5 years ago. It put a huge strain on me for several reasons. First we have four young kids and I was working full time as well as trying to take care of them. It was a Mr. Mom type situation, I don't have a problem with that, but it was so stressful. I also felt the timing was off considering we were trying to save our marriage. Those old feelings of anger and resentment crept back in during this time. 

She finished school around a year ago but by then we had regressed to silence, resentment and just nothing in the way of love. Now here we are at that road again but this time there's no talk of counseling. We are moving ahead towards at least a legal separation if not divorce. I think she's just tired of it and doesn't have it in her anymore to try. I feel like that's unfair but I also understand there are so many years of struggle it's hard to imagine things would get better. Still I believe they could be better.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Well, if you want to fix your marriage, you might want to go over to the "Reconciliation" section and get advice from people that have actually managed to bring their marriages back from the brink of divorce.

Because I - as well as many of my friends here - have been unable to do it successfully, which is why we're getting divorced.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to offer advice and help, but I'm in no position to do so.


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