# D=Happiness(Eventually) R=Misery(Guaranteed)???



## GettingBetter (Mar 7, 2013)

Now, the title says it all. As I have mentioned in my earlier post I'm so grateful for choosing D, even though I don't think R was even a possibility. 
I have to ask you fellow posters, how do you feel? Are you happy you did not take the R road? And why?
I see too many reconciliation threads where people are having a hard time dealing with it 4-5, even 20 years later. Where they are questioning themselves and their WS's.
I'm not trying to tell anyone to take either route. To each it's own. We are all different. 
But knowing what I know now, cheating is a deal-breaker (as well as three A's) and why waste the rest of your life questioning your choices and your spouse. Having triggers, TT, questioning their every move, always being on the lookout...
I'll take he two years of suffering VS the lifetime. Just my $0.02. 

Disclaimer:
My apology to posters who chose the R option. I do realize that some of you have better marriage/relationship than before the A. Maybe just my small brain can not comprehend what it takes to get the trust back, erase the mind movies and accept they made a "mistake".


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Reconciliation is great when there is no infidelity or abuse.


Infidelity is severe form of emotional abuse. I don't see a difference where you need to preface it with an "or".




2ntnuf said:


> What is hard for me to wrap my head around is, why get married again? I love the companionship, but once a BS, always a BS. The mind movies won't stop, even with someone new. There will always be triggers and trust issues.


I think if you stay with the WS then yes you will always be the BS in that relationship but finding someone new erases or at least strongly mitigates that stigma. It's a fresh start with a fresh person. How can you be a BS if you are no longer that person's S? 




2ntnuf said:


> I think for those who can tolerate the infidelity, they have the best chance at a long term relationship. When that is the case, it's important to consider the spouse in the equation of what is the best move to make.


I agree, though for me it was a dealbreaker. if you can tolerate the infidelity then by all means try to R. I think however many people can't but are more afraid to be alone so they try to tolerate it. Hence the subsequent years of misery after the fact.




2ntnuf said:


> Anyone can cheat. You at least know your spouse better than anyone else in the world. You know their faults and if you've been through all the education of understanding the WS mentality, you are ahead of the game with them.


Strongly disagree. I am morally incapable of cheating on my spouse the way she did to me though out our marriage. The fact that you know what she is capable of and that more likely than not he/she will do it again should strongly make you consider whether R is truely worth it. Once the initially infidelity as taken place, subsequent cheating is much easier to do. 




2ntnuf said:


> Other spouses will have new issues. Some will be the same and some different. Some of the new issues, a BS might not have the tools to handle yet. The BS is taking a chance in a new or the old relationship. That, in my opinion, is the reason to consider reconciliation.


Everyone has issues. You seem to be of the mindset that it's better to be with the devil you know than the devil you don't. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Maybe it's worth giving someone else a shot? How will you know if there is someone better than the cheating spouse out there if you don't try? What's really the worse that can happen for the most part? At worst, you end up with another cheater... At best, you find someone who gives you the respect and love you deserve. 

I don't fault anyone for wanting to R but make sure it's because you still love the person and MORE importantly that they still love you. If you're staying because you fear the unknown then you are dooming yourself to a lifetime of heartache and resentment.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The decision to R or D should be based on 1) the WS's true level of remorse and 2) the BS discovering how to be happy with NO spouse. I don't believe that anyone should base their level of happiness on their spouse. They need to be happy with themselves, by themselves, first. Only then can anyone make a CHOICE to be with someone or not be with them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was still open to reconciling and exH wanted the D. So I donot feel bad since the choice ultimately wasn't mine. I don't know how he feels though. He actually wanted us to divorce and then remarry and was still hitting me up two years post-divorce. He did contact me a year after the divorce saying how much he missed me and how his heart was broken and I was his true love. 

I will never regret the divorce since it wasn't my decision. Granted, i did leave him, but to me, he was emotionally absent for a long time before then.

I do not know how he feels. 

As for right now - I feel fine. There is always a sort of sadness that goes with a divorce (end of dreams and all of that) but the things I am living and experiencing now, I would not have been probably had we stayed married. 

There was a lot of good but there was also bad. I am still thankful for the experience of having loved and been married because I know some people never get to experience that. 

As for remarrying--it really does not appeal to me. I have dated a little here and there but nothing majorly serious since my D. Getting married again isn't something that really crosses my mind.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am very happy with my decision to divorce. Rconciliation is a nonstarter when you are dealing with the level of betrayal I discovered. In addition, there is a 10 year recovery roughly of even the most ''benign'' infidelity. I guess I can see someone trying to do it after a one time fling, but that someone isn't me.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

During the end of my counseling sessions, my counselor told me a little bit about her own personal story.

She said that she was divorced several years ago....and she said that she did try to reconcile prior to the divorce. She said that she was a betrayed spouse and was heartbroken that her husband wanted a divorce. When he first left her, she went to therapy and really worked on herself....and then months later, when her husband came back to her, she was so happy. But, soon she realized that taking him back was the worst decision she ever could have made--because she changed, but he never changed.

She realized that, at that point, she was simply just a warm body in her bed at night....someone to watch TV with at night. She didn't really miss 'him', she missed the idea of him.

...and by taking him back, she set progress back for months.


Maybe reconciliation could work if both parties were committed to the process, and to truly changing--but, it seems like in a lot of these broken relationships, there is usually just one person doing the majority of the work.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

GettingBetter said:


> My apology to posters who chose the R option. I do realize that some of you have better marriage/relationship than before the A.


No offence taken. I have never regretted fighting to get my marriage back in order.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

jpr said:


> Maybe reconciliation could work if both parties were committed to the process, and to truly changing--but, it seems like in a lot of these broken relationships, there is usually just one person doing the majority of the work.


Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. 

My wife wasn't making an effort in our R. Well she was. She was detaching and moving on to Plan A. 

Sabotage and polluting the MC environment was her MO. I thought she was struggling with other issues. Was I ever played.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

GettingBetter said:


> Now, the title says it all. As I have mentioned in my earlier post *I'm so grateful for choosing D*, even though I don't think R was even a possibility.
> 
> But knowing what I know now, cheating is a deal-breaker (as well as three A's) and *why waste the rest of your life questioning your choices and your spouse.* Having triggers, TT, questioning their every move, always being on the lookout...
> 
> I'll take he two years of suffering VS the lifetime. Just my $0.02.


I completely agree and am so happy I decided to D immediately after discovering his cheating, lies, and betrayal. That said, the infidelity was more of a catalyst than the sole reason for me choosing divorce. 

Life is way too short to be in cahoots with shady people who show their disrespect towards you with deplorable behavior. Why should the BS be in a lifetime of emotional jail because the WS had to get their rocks off? Seriously, why do that to yourself? 

IMHO we should be our own "one true loves" and put our emotional health above unhealthy relationships that drain us.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My parents reconciled after my Dad's LTA, (in the mid 80's), and they have been married for 50 years now. I don't think they're miserable.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Bravo, Bravenewworld!!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> What is hard for me to wrap my head around is, why get married again? I love the companionship, but once a BS, always a BS. The mind movies won't stop, even with someone new. There will always be triggers and trust issues.


I agree. I'm divorced just because my x wife was "no longer happy," and I don't know what the big deal is with some about remarrying. Some people can divorce, and the covers don't even get cool until they're in another relationship.

I don't miss the crap of marriage, or the crap I know a new one would bring.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I am happy to be out of my 45 year marriage. The last 30 years were spent in what I thought was R but who knows what he thought those years were since he cheated again with his original AP. He didn't want the divorce and cried a lot and then remarried the moment the decree was signed (but not to his AP) -- scared to be alone, I guess. I sometimes miss the man I thought he was. Not the man he actually is. 

I can tell you what I no longer think about -- and that's the possibility of him cheating again. I'm no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop. It did drop and I survived just fine. Anyone who R's usually has that thought in the back of their mind. Now, for the first time in 30 years, I don't. 

Life is good.


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