# Finances in Marriage



## landrews235 (May 12, 2016)

I have a separate thread here, but don't want to bog it down with a different subject.

I would like to know how most married couples feel about finances. It is a HUGE source of trouble for my marriage. My husband believes he should handle all money and finances and it's causing problems.

We have had a joint checking account since engaged. But, if I even bring up ANY concerns about how he is paying bills or allocating money he jumps down my throat. He doesn't do the "we" thing at all. He says if I have an objection I can ask him and he will explain how he does it -- but that's it.

He demands all of my money from work and says he gives me all of his too.... He makes more than I do. The problem is he dictates everything.

He says he talked to a friend who is a therapist and she said that most marriages have one person who is ultimately in charge of the money and bills and that's normal. I told him I just want to be involved...he said I can be involved....but only from a distance. He is not going to be micro managed. 

Is this typical?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Does it matter if it's typical?

It sounds like this is not an arrangement you prefer. 

Financial issues are one of the top things couples fight about... you and your husband need to come to an agreement that you are both enthusiastic about (refer to marriagebuilders.com: policy of joint agreement).

He is being very disrespectful in not allowing you to be a full partner in this area.

I'd suggest talking to an unbiased counselor.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

how much more money does he make than you?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP, I think you have EVERY right to help with the finances...and in fact IT IS necessary for you to be involved. If your fiancé who I'm assuming will become your H were to pass away unexpectedly...well then you need to know how to handle everything. 

This is not the 1940s where men probably handled all the finances while women took care of the household stuff. YOU work and HE works, so it's YOUR MONEY TOO. He is being very controlling in not allowing you to be a part of this. 

When I first got married, I knew how to do finances, but I allowed my H to take care of everything. I was young and naïve. BIG mistake. My H is not the best at finances (although he has improved in this respect). We had tons of credit card debt, late payments, taxes not done in 3 years, credit scores a hot mess...you get the idea. 

Now we do it together...he pays some bills, I pay some and we both balance checkbook and write in payments etc. I have budget spreadsheets that we have both talked about etc. If one person spends over $100, $200 we let the other person know. Our credit is excellent and we are in a much better position. I watch the credit cards like a hawk, lol.

I think you need to straighten this out BEFORE you get married...otherwise you will not be happy. What is his problem with not allowing you to help out with this and be involved? Does he not trust you...or is he doing things with the money that he doesn't want you to know about? This would be concerning to me. Oh and I call BS to the micromanaging thing. Marriage is not unlike a business partnership...and you have a right to know about your "business".


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## landrews235 (May 12, 2016)

He makes about 40 percent more than I do.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We are of the "one big pot" school of thought, it's all our money, not mine or hers. For the logistics we each have our own checking accounts and one joint one to transfer money. She usually tends to make most of the payments (this dates back to pre-online bill paying when it was a real chore and she didn't work full time). I do a few, mortgage and the amazon card. And sometimes it comes down who is closer to a laptop or iPad.

But it doesn't sound like the logistics are the biggest issue. We're on the same page for routine expenses. And we discuss, before hand, any larger or possibly frivolous purchases, so there are no surprises. Nobody manages (micro or otherwise, not even sure what that means in this context) the other person, we're on the same page. I take a more active roll in looking after the saving/investing but always talk to her. (Although we've been thinking about getting pro help.) 

You both should be at least somewhat familiar with all aspects of the finances in case something happens to either of you.


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## landrews235 (May 12, 2016)

I am divorced and I came to our relationship with bad credit. But, because of that - I am very conservative. I like keeping money in the bank -- and he likes paying off credit cards fast and essentially living off of them -- because he uses all cash in the account to pay off credit cards.

He has an odd system -- but It is very difficult for me to see nothing in the bank. I don't agree with his methods but he could care less.

For example, he was talking about selling the house. Like in the next month. He was also applying for a re-fi. I told him no don't re-fi...it will cost us money! He said that I shouldn't say that in public -- that I know nothing about finances and that I don't make any sense. It turned into a huge fight and he said that since he would be skipping 2 mortgage payments he would be getting financial relief and those payments would be coming off the profits of the house and he could care less.

He said the fact that I said this to him made him concerned about me ever trying to run finances... that I am clueless.



bluezone said:


> Landrews I think you have EVERY right to help with the finances...and in fact IT IS necessary for you to be involved. If your fiancé who I'm assuming will become your H were to pass away unexpectedly...well then you need to know how to handle everything.
> 
> This is not the 1940s where men probably handled all the finances while women took care of the household stuff. YOU work and HE works, so it's YOUR MONEY TOO. He is being very controlling in not allowing you to be a part of this.
> 
> ...


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

landrews235 said:


> He makes about 40 percent more than I do.


OK, it would be one thing if he made 95% of your combined income. then his attitude would be a bit more understandable.

If you really don't like what he's doing, I would just say, it's my money and you don't get to tell me what to do with that.

depending on how rigid he is, you might want to come up with a joint budget for shared expenses then individual budgets for your remaining individual income. then take control of your finances more


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Looking at your other thread, get a bank account of your own, one he can't access. Forget one pot, you need some _your_ money.


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## landrews235 (May 12, 2016)

I asked for separate accounts and then one joint account -- and he blew up and said that if we did that -- I owe him 30k for the amount he has given to the marriage in the last year. Which is ridiculous and I began crying and he said that I am impossible to work with.



Anon1111 said:


> OK, it would be one thing if he made 95% of your combined income. then his attitude would be a bit more understandable.
> 
> If you really don't like what he's doing, I would just say, it's my money and you don't get to tell me what to do with that.
> 
> depending on how rigid he is, you might want to come up with a joint budget for shared expenses then individual budgets for your remaining individual income. then take control of your finances more


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No this is not a healthy arrangement. There should be no dictator in the marriage on any subject. Finances should be cooperative. Sure, there may be one person who takes on the task of making sure all the bills are paid. That actually makes sense, because otherwise you get into the situation where nobody quite knows exactly what's going on, and then some bills don't get paid etc.

The other thing is he may end up doing things you strongly disagree with. This would be a financial infidelity if he does it.

We have separated financially because of similar circumstances. My wife hid things and did things financially which she knew I was strongly opposed to. The good part of separate finances is I now control my own income and have much more discretionary money to spend and save. The downside is there is no team. 

So overall given your circumstances I think separate finances is not ideal but better than where you're at. There is the principle of Joint Agreement promoted by a major marriage expert. It is very solid as far as finances. There should be nothing spent or done financially that you both don't actively agree to. You agree on how much goes into savings, how much is spent on cars, how much you each get as play money, etc. If you have joint finances, which really is ideal, you should both be fully informed and involved in the basic decisions. He should seek and consider your thoughts and goals. You should both discuss things. Even if he is the delegated person to handle the finances, he should not be doing things unless you understand and agree with them.

Now what does he mean by being micromanaged? There may be something there to consider. Do you nag him, or remind him frequently, about whether bills are paid? Do you want to see proof of all the numbers all the time? Are you good with finances? Is he?

Are you familiar with Dave Ramsey the financial guy? His plan is solid, and includes a weekly meeting to cover what is coming up in the next week (not just financially but as far as schedules etc) and a monthly budget meeting where you go over the numbers.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

landrews235 said:


> I asked for separate accounts and then one joint account -- and he blew up and said that if we did that -- I owe him 30k for the amount he has given to the marriage in the last year. Which is ridiculous and I began crying and he said that I am impossible to work with.


Wow, what an attitude. Did you tell him in a divorce he wouldn't be owed the money, so in marriage he certainly is not?


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## landrews235 (May 12, 2016)

He calls it micromanaging if I say I want to see anything...So, I never ask at this point.

Also, he has told me "based on my projections we should have xyz by such and such date". When that doesn't happen....I will say, I thought you said we would have xyz by such and such date?

He will say that I am ridiculous for asking this because I need to realize that things happen...etc.

He is just very controlling about money. Even my own business spending. He says that it's best if he manages it....becusae he thinks that I won't do it.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

landrews235 said:


> I have a separate thread here, but don't want to bog it down with a different subject.
> 
> I would like to know how most married couples feel about finances. It is a HUGE source of trouble for my marriage. My husband believes he should handle all money and finances and it's causing problems.
> 
> ...


My H & I have a joint account. All our money goes into this account and all the bills, household expenses, food, etc, are paid for from this account. H is primarily the one in charge of finances/bill paying, and I prefer this. At any time if I choose to know what is being paid, how much money is left over after the bills etc I have access to that information. We have a mutual agreement that if any purchases (within reason) are being made, we discuss the purchase with each other first.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

landrews235 said:


> I asked for separate accounts and then one joint account -- and he blew up and said that if we did that -- I owe him 30k for the amount he has given to the marriage in the last year. Which is ridiculous and I began crying and he said that I am impossible to work with.


that's totally unreasonable.

I'd just go ahead and open up a separate bank account if I was you.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

OP you need to understand where all of you money is going. You need online access to all bank accounts and credit cards that you both have. I strongly suggest that you do a complete credit check on both of you as well - this should be done at least once per year.

Nothing wrong with one person handling the record keeping of finances. But, you need access to the records. There needs to be a budget - which is a plan for how your money is spent - hopefully, you have one. 

With regards to refinancing a house one month to selling it - this is not smart unless your husbands doubts he can sell it. It sounds as though you all are low on cash or are in debt - why else would there be a need to refinance before selling the home? You are correct, it costs money to refinance and the pay back by getting a lower rate is usually more than a year. But, if you are paying 18-25% on a credit card debt - it may make sense to refinance if it is going to take awhile to sell the house - as long as the credit card debt is payed off - it all depends on the amount of debt.

Your husbands statement that during the refinance he can skip payments - like this is a windfall or something is ridiculous!! The loan is costing interest no matter what - and the equity you pay as part of the payment is not a windfall - just very bad understanding of a mortgage in my opinion.

The big question here is - how did you get into such debt that would require refinancing you house? 

I don't have all facts from you - so I am doing allot of speculating. Do you have all the facts? If not, you really need to start digging into this and get them.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

After reading your other thread it's pretty obvious this is more control over you than proper use of your finances. You need your own money, especially now. As long as he can keep you on the financial leash you have no options but him. This may end up costing you your daughter.
On a separate note,my wife and I have always separated our finances and split bills fairly. This practice has seemed to reduce a lot of headaches.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Girl.... this is a classic sign of an abusive man in light of your other thread. You need to be consulting an attorney fast.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

My wife and I have all the money go into one account. My wife does all the bills but we discuss the bills together. There are a few times where we disagree but we talk it out, listening to each others point to get to a decision. Of course it help that my wife is the frugal one in our marriage.

I too make about 40% more than my wife but would NEVER dream to dictate what she can know or ask. I value my wife's opinion. From reading your other thread it is becoming clearer that your in an abusive overly controlling relationship. Yes, the over played abusive and controlling meme but in your case it fits.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

landrews235 said:


> He says he talked to a friend who is a therapist and she said that most marriages have one person who is ultimately in charge of the money and bills and that's normal. I told him I just want to be involved...he said I can be involved....but only from a distance. He is not going to be micro managed.


What the therapist most likely said was that the the person who is best with financial tasks should be the one who takes care of them. That makes perfect sense and is quite common.

However, that's not the same as "taking charge" or excluding their partner from any say or information in those matters.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My wife and pool all our income into a single account. I do the bills, she does the taxes. We both have full access to everything financial. 

We track "fun" money. Basically we can each spend on things that are just for ourselves - my airplane, her hobbies. Car purchase costs above a basic economy car. This is done approximately just to be sure that fun spending doesn't become too unbalanced. This is a nice way to eliminate guilt for silly spending.

Early on she made a lot more money than me because I was still in school. Then I gradually started making a lot more than her. Then she inherited a bunch of money. Its all fine - neither of us ever complains that the other is spending *our* money.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

jsmart said:


> My wife and I have all the money go into one account. My wife does all the bills but we discuss the bills together. There are a few times where we disagree but we talk it out, listening to each others point to get to a decision ...


This is similar to the way we do things.

All of our accounts are joint accounts, and we both have online access to them.

We also have our entire financial picture set up on Quicken, which is on our home network and accessible from any computer in the house.

Nothing financial can ever happen without both of us knowing about it almost immediately.

When we got married we had next to nothing. After more than four decades of hard work on both our parts there can be no doubt that everything we now have belongs equally to both of us.


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## red37 (Feb 19, 2016)

Girl you crazy. Why on earth you you give your husband your whole paycheck that you work hard for. This kills me with women.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> We track "fun" money. Basically we can each spend on things that are just for ourselves - my airplane, her hobbies. Car purchase costs above a basic economy car. This is done approximately just to be sure that fun spending doesn't become too unbalanced. This is a nice way to eliminate guilt for silly spending.


My wife spends a LOT of money on clothing, shoes, hair, facials, nails, massages, etc., etc.

Reluctantly, I have to spend a lot on my hobbies just to keep things even.


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## landrews235 (May 12, 2016)

I understand his desire to handle everything and take care of it. It's part of why I feel guilty not just looking the other way. I did just that for a long time, but it hurt when he came back on me for even the smallest of purchases. 

He married a woman who takes care of herself physically as does HE. But, he gives me crap about just about every purchase. UNLESS he buys it on his own for me. THEN it's okay for him to spend way too much money on a purse etc. I never buy very expensive things. One day he came home with a 1000 dollar brief case for me! I would NEVER. Of course, this was after a fight....but if "I" came home with that one day.....omg, I can't even image what would happen.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

landrews235 said:


> I have a separate thread here, but don't want to bog it down with a different subject.
> 
> I would like to know how most married couples feel about finances. It is a HUGE source of trouble for my marriage. My husband believes he should handle all money and finances and it's causing problems.
> 
> ...


Well....when my W and I were first married I did most of the bills and stressed out making ends meet. My W one day asked if she could handle it. I gladly agreed. Within a month she dropped the bills and checkbook in my lap stating she could not handle it. Thus began a 22 year marriage(and still ongoing :wink2 of me handling the finances. We allocate a budget for food(my W is SAHM) and ask she minds how how it is spent at the food store and watch the energy suckers at home. IE, lights left on, TV on no one watching ETC. She never really wanted to be involved nor questioned how the money is spent. In other words, I'm not driving a new Corvette while she has a Dodge Neon from 1998. So there is no reason to be involved unless she would like to be and I'm fine with that. Now, concerning personal money, my W has her own mad money we put into her account to spend as she wishes. She always felt she was taking money from the family but realized it was for lack of a better term, "allowance". I get an allowance as well. My W only spends her mad money for things for the house. Just the way she is but will get her nails done. Really the only luxury she spends on. 

Is your H having trouble making ends meet and is being aggresive about it or upset that you might find he is robbing Peter to pay Paul? I have been there and found it difficult/stressful and hated being questioned about it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

if he was being fair and responsible,transparent handling the bills then I say just keep an eye on things and try to be a part of the process.

But he sounds like hes robbing peter to pay Paul. I would suggest a credit report on him to make sure theirs not a bunch of debt piling up credit karma is free.


then when you find out how bad things are then you can decide what to do.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

We combine our finances into joint accounts. My wife handles the money. I do have a separate credit card and account for bonuses and some "me" money. I make personal purchases from that account.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

landrews235 said:


> I understand his desire to handle everything and take care of it. It's part of why I feel guilty not just looking the other way. I did just that for a long time, but it hurt when he came back on me for even the smallest of purchases.
> 
> He married a woman who takes care of herself physically as does HE. But, he gives me crap about just about every purchase. UNLESS he buys it on his own for me. THEN it's okay for him to spend way too much money on a purse etc. I never buy very expensive things. *One day he came home with a 1000 dollar brief case for me! I would NEVER. Of course, this was after a fight...*.but if "I" came home with that one day.....omg, I can't even image what would happen.


Hoovering


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

In my first marriage, I let my wife take care of the finances. I was deployed a lot in the military and it made a lot of sense and she liked doing the accounting. The flip side was that I was completely out of touch with the expenses and the bank account. To this day I have no idea where all of the money we made went. She had such a weird system of managing the accounts that I never figured it out.

After we divorced, I keep much better track of where the money was going and how much was being spent. Now that I remarried, I must admit it is difficult to not have control of the finances. But my wife and I keep our own accounts and have a joint account to pay bills. I basically added up the annual cost of all the bills (House, food, insurance, ect), divided by 2, and then by 12 to get our monthly cost per person. That gets put into the joint account and that is the money for bills. The rest we keep in our own accounts for "personal" funds. 

To the OP, I think your fiance is trying to control you and your money. You have every right to know how much money you have and how it is being spent. A marriage is a joint effort and both people should be involved. I would get your own account for your money and deposit your portion of the bills to the joint account. Maybe have a second joint account to save for things like a new car or trips. You fiance's attitude is unacceptable in my opinion and if he doesn't like it, then tough.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Separate accounts, separate personal expenses and combined joint expenses. He does what he wants with his extra money and so do you.

Nothing to fight over, nothing to be resentful about. 

Since he makes more he pays a higher percentage of the household bills.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I manage the finances in my marriage. I do everything, pay all bills, decide how much to save etc. I've done this since the start, through times when I was the sole income earner, then DH, up to now when we earn about the same. The changes in who earned what never changed how we viewed the money in our joint accounts. We have a plan and an understanding of what we both expect to happen.

The difference between your spouse and me is that I MANAGE the money, I don't aim to have sole CONTROL over it. DH has full access to everything. He could clear all the bank accounts if he wanted to.

You are being made to feel guilty over not wanting to be treated like a complete dependent. You are an adult. Your financial situation reminds me of Lisbeth in "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" who is ruled legally incompetent and has a 'guardian' who controls all of her finances. In that book, it's treated like an infringement of a person's basic human rights. I agreed with that POV.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

breeze said:


> I manage the finances in my marriage. I do everything, pay all bills, decide how much to save etc. I've done this since the start, through times when I was the sole income earner, then DH, up to now when we earn about the same. The changes in who earned what never changed how we viewed the money in our joint accounts. We have a plan and an understanding of what we both expect to happen.
> 
> The difference between your spouse and me is that I MANAGE the money, I don't aim to have sole CONTROL over it. DH has full access to everything. He could clear all the bank accounts if he wanted to.
> 
> You are being made to feel guilty over not wanting to be treated like a complete dependent. You are an adult. Your financial situation reminds me of Lisbeth in "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" who is ruled legally incompetent and has a 'guardian' who controls all of her finances. In that book, it's treated like an infringement of a person's basic human rights. I agreed with that POV.


I believe this is how it should be. And the 2 shall become one flesh. 

I've always made much more than my wife and when our kids were pre-school age, she was a SAHM. We were tight but it was a sacrifice we both wanted to make. I would NEVER treat my wife less than because of finances. My wife did all the bills. She would come to me to let me know the status and bring up any concerns to me to hash out together.

Now I don't want to come across as some liberal male feminist. I'm a strong believer in the man being the head of household but my wife is my queen not my servant.

What a dark movie. Giving that fat pig a BJ for laptop money? But she got her revenge. >


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Normally that scheme works, but I've seen a very bad failure with my friends' marriage. He made a bunch of money at a startup. Decided that he could "retire" (at about 35), but that since they each had to pay their own way, she had to keep working. Technically its fair, but it doesn't "feel" fair - he sits around doing whatever he wants, she has to work a full time job for the rest of her life. 



Mclane said:


> Separate accounts, separate personal expenses and combined joint expenses. He does what he wants with his extra money and so do you.
> 
> Nothing to fight over, nothing to be resentful about.
> 
> Since he makes more he pays a higher percentage of the household bills.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Heads up. Op is a troll and has been banned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Heads up. Op is a troll and has been banned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Life under the bridge must be pretty boring.


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