# Is she going to leave me?



## Coffee87 (Nov 9, 2015)

This is going to be long, so I do apologize in advance and sincerely thank those of you who take the time out of your day to read this. My situation: I have been married to my wife for 2 years. We have been together for 5 years, living together for 4 of those years. I'm a cop and she is a nurse, so we have a lot stacked against us with crazy shifts, job stress, and coping with the things we see while at work. We are in two professions that have incredibly high divorce rates. 

When I first met my wife, she was an absolute Godsend. I loved everything about her and knew right away that I wanted to marry her. Her older brother was in my police academy class and he introduced us soon after our graduation. At the time, my wife was in college preparing to start her first semester of nursing school (she is 4 years younger than me). We had an incredible chemistry from the very beginning. She was so sweet and caring and made me feel very loved. At the time, I was 100% devoted to our relationship together. Things were going so smoothly, that she moved in with me before the 1 year mark. It just felt right to us. During the early month of us living together, things were very positive. We simply enjoyed each others company and every minute spent with each other was a blessing. I paid all the bills and learned how to maintain my very first household, while she studied and progressed in nursing school. 

After a few months of living together, I started to adapt to life as a cop. I work in a major city that is ranked in the top 5 in the nation for violent crime. I would see things at work that shocked and sickened me, and I quickly learned to compartmentalize the horrible things I was experiencing in an attempt to shield her from it. She would ask about my work day and I would reply like anyone else in any other profession, "It was great, it was okay, it was an average day." We would leave it at that. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was undergoing a serious psychological change. My innocence was shattered and I quickly went from a fun loving positive guy to a pretty negative and pragmatic jerk. After we were together for about a year and a half, a very traumatic event occurred while at work. I responded to a robbery in progress call to a local fast food restaurant. I was first on the scene, and when I got there 2 masked and armed suspects were still actively robbing the business. When I confronted them, a foot chase and then a shootout ensued. I fired my weapon several times killing one of the suspects. This was hard for me. I was off work for 29 days while the investigation took place. This is the first time I remember me and my wife (fiance at the time) being at odds. I suppose I didn't let her know how much the event affected me, and because of this, she was not very comforting during this time. It was the first time I resented her.

Eventually things returned to normal, however, I began shutting myself away when I was at home. I purely lived for a feeling of relaxation and comfort while at home, so I would sit and watch TV for hours and just zone out before and after work. This drove her crazy. She would sit with me most days and we would talk a little bit, but my focus began to change from her to work and other outside pressures. This would be the case for the couple of years. I never stopped loving my wife, but I was completely incapable of expressing it to her. I couldn't talk to her about how I felt or what I was going through or how sad I was becoming on the inside. I simply pressed ahead. We got married despite the state of our relationship. We did have an absolutely incredible wedding and we bought a house that she fell in love with right around the same time. What should have been the happiest time of our lives, quickly became the most stressful.

Two close family members of mine passed away, and one of my coworkers and academy classmates got shot and killed while on duty during the early stages of our marriage. This further took a toll on my attitude, and I just locked myself away. My wife and I would still go on at least one date a week, and our sex life was probably the only positive of our relationship...but she was sending me signals that she needed more involvement from me. She wanted to travel and to go to concerts and to do fun stuff that women in their early 20s want to do. And now that she was working and making money of her own, she had the ability to do whatever she wanted. When she started working, she got assigned to midnight shift...I got moved to a specialized unit that worked day shift. For 6 months we would see each other for 30 minutes in the morning and one or two nights a week if we were lucky enough to have the same off days. This is when we hit rock bottom. She started going out with friends from work and realizing that life is more positive and fun without me. I ignored the signs, and would create arguments about chores, and grocery shopping, and who's turn it was to feed one of our multiple rescue dogs. It was terrible.

About a month ago, we were laying in bed and she told me that she was basically checking out of our marriage. She told me she didn't want to, and she knows she should try and fight through this with me, but she just doesn't have the energy. I panicked. I realized at that moment that I messed up. She had been the only one fighting for us. I assumed that dinner and drinks once a week and a good sex life was enough to keep her with me. It wasn't. Luckily, she has either given me somewhat of a second chance or she is simply sticking around until she is at a place where she really can just walk away. Either way, during this time I have done a complete overhaul and really dug deep to bring back the old me. Every single day since she broke this news to me, I have put 100% of my heart into her. I have quit my specialized unit and returned back to a more conducive shift to her schedule. I have written her notes, bought her flowers, and made the TV a thing of the past. Every second that she has been here, I have devoted my complete attention to her, her day, her work, her life. I have realized that I am completely in love with her and want nothing more than to fight for her and make this marriage work. We have gone on multiple dates during this time where we just look into each other's eyes and laugh, and it feels like at times, the spark is back. I've also gone back to playing guitar and writing songs for her (I was a musician long before I was a cop, and early in our relationship she put great stock into that). The left side of my brain as been reactivated. She seems receptive to the changes...even her mother texted me the other day and said that she is glad we are doing so well...so I'm assuming she talked to her about it. Last weekend we spent some money to stay in the nicest hotel in this city for a night. It was an incredible night and the love felt real. We are now going on a weekend trip this weekend with her family and I'm also taking a night off work to go to a concert with her later this week. But despite all of this, she still isn't displaying the behavior that she did early on. She no longer comes up to me and hugs me and kisses me randomly to tell me how much she loves me. Instead, I do that to her. And even though she looks me straight in the eye and tells me "I love you too" I can't help but think that it's still not going to work. She has always told me she goes off of "gut" feelings. When I asked her what her gut is telling her about us, she says she doesn't know yet. I am trying hard to stay positive, confident, and to keep the mood light and up beat...I've had a few moments of weakness where I've displayed some emotional vulnerability. I feel like she sees me as weak for doing that and I've tried to fight the urge to discuss the serious stuff in order to avoid unwanted tension. What should I do?

Can I win her back? Can someone on the verge of checking out check back in? Any advice on what to do/not to do? I love her deeply and want this to work.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It doesn't sound good, but maybe it's not hopeless.
Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer", both available on Amazon, and see if you can change yourself to be more attractive to her.


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## Coffee87 (Nov 9, 2015)

So should I just give up and not fight for her? I feel like there is still something worth saving here...and her biggest complaint was that I wasn't nice or sweet enough. Not sure if a "no more Mr. Nice guy" approach will help. But thanks for the insight guys.


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## Coffee87 (Nov 9, 2015)

I mean I do get it. My gut is telling me it's just a matter of time...but she told me herself she wants me to fight for it. It probably is too little too late. I'm thankful that she is at least allowing me an opportunity to fight for it, even if her mind is already set.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Once a woman's heart turns cold to a man its almost always doomsday. I'd say your odds are about 1 in 100,000 so if shes worth it you better keep busting your a$$ and maybe by some fluke she will bring down the walls. Good luck! DUDE


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Why question what may happen. You are fighting for her and if she is serious about her feelings for you then you are doing all you can do to be the man she loves. It took years to get to this place, allow her some time to see if the "new" you will be the permanent you. Keep fighting and do not be ready to quit so soon. Persevere and fight on. Do not accept loss as an option. You are used to tough situations and not giving up, well you are faced with one now so show your resolve. Good fortune.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is just like getting a bad review at work, nobody says anything until it's too late, then no matter how much you change after that, it doesn't matter they will still find a way to get rid of you. It's too bad people are like that. Seems the emphasis in a marriage is a way to leave ait instead of a way to repair it. I feel sorry for the OP, he did everything right, tired to do his job right and fell into occupational hazards. Meanwhile all his wife can think about is partying and going to concerts while he had to live through being shot at in robberies. She should have known that if she married a cop, that was what she is marrying. It's not for every woman and she should have assessed this before she married him. The OP should have also assured himself that who he intended to marry would have been able to handle a cop lifestyle.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

"It ain't over until it's over" At least not yet. 

Hello, Coffee. 

A marriage needs attention, otherwise it will die on the vine. As you've found out. 

There are methods that can help. There are no guarantees, but at least you could gather the knowledge how to be a better partner and man. Your two professions are tough on a marriage and that's why you both need to work harder than others. Let me give you two easy to read books where you can see what a real marriage looks like. You can then compare yours and see what you need to correct. 

This is for the marriage

His Needs, Her Needs

This is for you

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

I don't see anything wrong with trying, do you?


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## Coffee87 (Nov 9, 2015)

I'm not giving up. I'm going to do everything I can until she actually tells me it's over. I hope that when she told me she feels like she's checking out, she did so while there is still something in her heart for me. I hope she was warning me. I know she's skeptical of my changed behavior, and I'm sure she is expecting it to cease at some point...but it won't. Her mom actually contacted me to tell me that she is happy we are getting back on track. So I am assuming my wife has had a heart to heart with her. I asked her mom to elaborate a little bit, and she told me my wife is happy that I'm trying so hard. Her mom, who has been divorced twice herself, told my wife not to act out of the emotions she is currently feeling, and that divorce will be the most painful thing she could put herself through. She reminded her that she fell in love with me for a reason, and hopefully that reason will be obvious if I can keep myself heading back in the right direction. I know that my wife is conflicted, and I know that at any given minute her feelings are probably doing constant 180s. One push in the wrong direction and I'm sure she's gone. I'm on borrowed time and I'm making every second count. She's currently asleep in the bedroom after a 12 hour shift. When I walked back there to get something, she woke up looked at me. I walked over and gave her a kiss and told her I love her. She kissed me back and said "I love you too."


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Coffee87 said:


> I'm not giving up.
> 
> *Okay!*
> 
> ...


Start the reads, forthwith. You're behind the curve. Learn how a man acts as a partner and a leader in his life and relationships. Do it because you need to incorporate these changes as a man, not out of fear of losing her. Do it because it's the way things should be in a relationship, not to just to manipulate her. 

Best


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

From a woman's perspective:

She doesn't trust you.

You have hurt her for years. Literally. She has felt ignored and neglected for years. It's not going to take a few short weeks to overcome that. Changes take time. Trust takes a while to rebuild. She is enjoying this new you, but yes......skeptical is an understatement.

You said this "new you" isn't going to change......prove it. Don't get all "but what if I'm doing this for nothing and she leaves me anyway." DONT. THINK. THAT. Because this "new you" should be the NEW YOU for you, her, or any other woman in the future should she DO decide to leave you. 

Time. Quit being impatient. You hurt her FOR YEARS. It may take years for her to believe you again. Don't give up. She will come around if you don't.


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## Coffee87 (Nov 9, 2015)

Lengthy update:
My wife has worked 3 night shifts in a row, so we haven't seen each other too much this week. Today was my 2nd day back on my old shift since I quit the unit I was in. The shift change is definitely better in the sense that we actually get to lay in the same bed for a couple of hours in the morning when she gets home. Of course sleep is her top priority, so we only talk for a few minutes before she doses off.

A couple of hours after I woke up today, I was on the other side of the house when she texted me "Come back here." This is unusual because she should have been sound asleep. I walked into the bedroom halfway expecting her to break some horrible news to me. Instead she told me she couldn't sleep and she just wanted to know what I was doing. I told her I had been playing the guitar and she told me to go get it and to sing and play her a few songs, which I gladly did (she's always really loved that I have that ability). When I finished she asked me to take a nap with her. This led to a short conversation and then to some pretty decent sex. Like I said, this is unusual for her because she places high value on her sleep after a 12 hour night shift.

I felt good about the encounter, especially since she initiated it. I had to leave for work shortly after. We texted back and forth throughout my shift tonight about a band she wants to see that is going on tour this Spring. I told her to pick a city she wants to see them in, order us tickets, and I'd plan all the logistics (nice hotel, dinner reservations, local attractions to see, etc.) She seemed very excited. We also talked about her family trip to a cabin this weekend. I've not made much of an effort to go on out of town trips with her family in the past, but have taken extra days off of work to go with her a day earlier than planned, which meant a lot to her. And we also have plans to go to dinner and a concert on Thursday night, which I also took off work for.

Also, yesterday I briefly talked to her sister about this whole situation. The sister said my wife was initially pretty torn up about everything, but has since told her that she is really happy how hard I'm trying and how much effort I've put into this. She also said that believes my wife still loves me and still wants this to work, but she needs time and reassurance that my behavior stays positive. She did say that the whole family has noticed the positive change in me the last few times when we've been together and she said they all are very glad that things seem like they used to be. On that note, I've also been coming to terms that I am probably suffering from some degree of PTSD and am planning on seeking guidance in this area soon. The last thing we need is me slipping into another funk. Any insight into any of this at all? Is there hope?


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

Hey Coffee, well done for what you've managed so far. 
Have you spoken to her about the stresses of your job? It would probably hrelp her understand where your coming from, just don't forget she'll see some pretty disturbing stuff at work too. 
Just be careful not to bog each other down in all the negative stuff,


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ryan_sa said:


> Hey Coffee, well done for what you've managed so far.
> *Have you spoken to her about the stresses of your job? It would probably hrelp her understand where your coming from, just don't forget she'll see some pretty disturbing stuff at work too.
> *Just be careful not to bog each other down in all the negative stuff,


Agree on this part. I think its important that BOTH of you share things that happen on your jobs that caused you stress or upset. You are there to support each other. Just be sure to let it go after its discussed so like Ryan says, you don't get bogged down by it. It sounds like you are doing really well! Just make sure you don't ever allow yourself to become pathetic, where you are begging and crying and smothering her. She will run. Trust me. 

Keep up the good work!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Awesome update Coffee. You are definitely on the right track!

As others have stated... Keep on making the positive changes for YOU, not just to "save the relationship". Your self-esteem will rise because you feel good about your SELF, and this will naturally spill over into making your marriage a positive, safe space for both of you. It sounds like it already is doing just that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

As a fellow brother in blue do you have a wife/spouse/ family support group in your department. But the scope and size you describe I would think you do. Get her involved in that ASAP. My experience has been a lot of times the spouse wants to know what you did last night at work until you tell them the reality of what happened then not so much. This line of work changes you, changed me, changed everyone I know who does it. You can't Unsee some things. What I have found does help is greater understanding , through these support groups , that you are changed but still the same person underneath. Maybe that will be enough for her and maybe not but honesty about it will help guide her decision.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah 

Don't forget to talk. Her deeper understanding of your stress and how you lost your way is not a bad thing. Just don't get all grovelling and such. 

Ask her too. Nurses see bad shat daily. 

Well done
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Continue doing what you are doing now. Your marriage has great hope. Do not take her for granted. All my best to you.


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## Coffee87 (Nov 9, 2015)

Update:

My wife and I had a great weekend out of town. She finally broke through the her barrier of being cold, distant, and unaffectionate. We had an open and honest heart to heart conversation about us, her feelings, etc. She told me she stopped trying and became cold because she was so mad at me for letting us get that close to divorce.

She told me that she had been preparing herself to leave me because she never thought in a million years that I'd ever change. She said that when she finally told me last month that she was "checking out," she assumed I'd be so angry that I would have ended it out of spite. The way I reacted, however, was the way she secretly hoped I would. And she said that everything I've been doing has made her realize why she loves me and how much she loves me and that she is reinvested in this and has every intention of making it work long term.

While this is all incredible for me to hear, there are still some things that worry me. For instance, she is once again going out with her coworker who is an insanely bad influence on her. This friend seems to only care about excessive drinking, random hookups, and partying into the early morning hours. I'm sure she is a blast to hang out with, but not the best person to be around for a young married woman. My wife asked if I cared if they go out together next week. I said I didn't mind at all (although I do). I feel like it would be more hazardous to my marriage to try and control this situation as opposed to the slight hazard that my wife cheats on me or makes bad behavior a habit while going out. I don't want her to resent me, yet I also don't want her to make a bad and irreversible decision. Having been around my wife when she drinks, and having previously been a guy who spent a lot of times in bars, she does fit the mold for the type of girl capable of falling into the one night stand trap. Any advice on how I should handle this?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Marrying a woman in her early 20's who never made her own money and lived that life is always a struggle (been there done that, got the t-shirt), good luck to you, it's a tough spot. Since you have no kids any separation will be immeasurably easier to recover from.

It may not be you at all, I'm sure there are things you need to work on, but it may be she just wants to be a young, single, 20 something making her own money and living her own life. If that's the case there's nothing you can do to fix it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Coffee, read Anchorwatch first post. Those are crucial reads. And I suspect it is not yet too late.

Let me further add this. The dingle most important thing you need to do RIGHT NOW is not to bust your butt to save your marriage. Someone with that goal in mind will frequently compromise their principles because the marriage becomes more important. That is where N.U.T.'s comes in. Read it.

The single best thing you can do is be the best man you possibly can for you, not for her or the marriage. 

I went through something similar with my wife and I. We turned it around. And it got worse before it got better, but we are now great. Most of that change was because I became the man I thought I should.

Focus on that, and no matter what happens, you will be better for it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Coffee87 said:


> Update:
> 
> My wife and I had a great weekend out of town. She finally broke through the her barrier of being cold, distant, and unaffectionate. We had an open and honest heart to heart conversation about us, her feelings, etc. *She told me she stopped trying and became cold because she was so mad at me for letting us get that close to divorce.*
> 
> ...


Why did you lie to her? Why didn't you just tell her your apprehensions about going out with her toxic friend? Why shouldn't you talk to her, she's your wife. That's not controlling. She should be able to take in your concerns and you hers. 

The two of you need to stop these passive-aggressive communications or this marriage will end. You can't go on hoping the other will just understand what you need and then get resentful when it doesn't happen. Neither of you can read minds. That's why honest thoughtful communication is the bedrock of good relationships. It lets us know what we expect from eachother.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Coffee87 said:


> Update:
> 
> My wife and I had a great weekend out of town. She finally broke through the her barrier of being cold, distant, and unaffectionate. We had an open and honest heart to heart conversation about us, her feelings, etc. She told me she stopped trying and became cold because she was so mad at me for letting us get that close to divorce.
> 
> ...


Look man, you cleaned up your act now tell her to clean up hers. There is nothing and I mean nothing good can come out of her hanging around that. You'd better address this now unless you want total destruction coming at you. In this situation it's just a matter of time. Do you not get that. People become who they run with. Wake up!!!!


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