# Newbie



## SafeT

Hi Everyone. New to this and didn't know where to turn for help and advice or just a general place to have a winge and just let off steam. Hope i'm in the right place. 
I give my wife £300 a week in her bank. She doesnt have to pay any bills, or pay for shopping out of that, but she says it's not enough and wants more. 
I pay everything for our home and ask her for nothing. 
Am I doing something wrong. Am I not giving her enough?
PLease help !!!


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## Diana7

SafeT said:


> Hi Everyone. New to this and didn't know where to turn for help and advice or just a general place to have a winge and just let off steam. Hope i'm in the right place.
> I give my wife £300 a week in her bank. She doesnt have to pay any bills, or pay for shopping out of that, but she says it's not enough and wants more.
> I pay everything for our home and ask her for nothing.
> Am I doing something wrong. Am I not giving her enough?
> PLease help !!!


Wow, thats what we have to live on! 
Firstly why doesn't she work? Secondly what does she do with all that money?


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## Lostinthought61

SafeT said:


> Hi Everyone. New to this and didn't know where to turn for help and advice or just a general place to have a winge and just let off steam. Hope i'm in the right place.
> I give my wife £300 a week in her bank. She doesnt have to pay any bills, or pay for shopping out of that, but she says it's not enough and wants more.
> I pay everything for our home and ask her for nothing.
> Am I doing something wrong. Am I not giving her enough?
> PLease help !!!


Has she said why she needs more? does she work? can she show you what she spends it on if anything? and is her bank account accessible by you as well ? last question do you have a separate bank account that you keep money for yourself?


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## EveningThoughts

Does your wife work?
If so where does that money go?

I'm also British, but obviously don't mix in the same circles, as this paying your wife is a completely foreign concept to me. I also don't know anyone that consistently spends that much weekly outside normal expenses. (Occasionally, yes, i know some spenders, but over £1,000 a month regularly, not so much).

So, what does she need or spend £300 a week on? 
Does she give you a breakdown of her expenses?
And, is this outside the norm in your lifestyle/group etc?


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## SafeT

Diana7 said:


> Wow, thats what we have to live on!
> Firstly why doesn't she work? Secondly what does she do with all that money?


My wife is on disability benefit. She lost that when we got married 2 years ago. She has a car on motability which she pays for out of her motability but then pays nothing else but petrol. she probably gets about £250 a month. I have basically replaced the money she lost when we got married. I've also just paid £4000 deposit on her new motability car. She is quite secretive about what she gets Still don't really know to this date exactly.. She is a hairdresser and also does that as well less than 16 hours a week, so can easily pull another £100+ per week. 
She basically blames me for her losing her PIP money, but she has no bills whatsoever to pay. Not one.
I'm seriously thinking i've been reeled in. I take home at least £100k a year.


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## SafeT

EveningThoughts said:


> Does your wife work?
> If so where does that money go?
> 
> I'm also British, but obviously don't mix in the same circles, as this paying your wife is a completely foreign concept to me. I also don't know anyone that consistently spends that much weekly outside normal expenses. (Occasionally, yes, i know some spenders, but over £1,000 a month regularly, not so much).
> 
> So, what does she need or spend £300 a week on?
> Does she give you a breakdown of her expenses?
> And, is this outside the norm in your lifestyle/group etc?


Never get a breakdown. I wouldn't ask for one as I thought that when you get married then that's it for better or worse etc. She can be very wasteful. Obviously this is both our second marriage. She has 8 grand kids from 2 of her own childen. I have one grandchild from 2 kids. I'm expected to subsidse that ON TOP.


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## jlg07

So, IMO, you really NEED to get a breakdown of what she is spending, and SHE opened this conversation up by asking for more $$$. I think you approach this with NO emotions or making her defensive.
Just say, hey lets sit down, look at your expenses/outlays, and then we can see what we can budget.
IF she isn't willing to do that, then I would question WHY she needs more money, and even MORE seriously -- what is she hiding?

Also, her guilting you to pay HER for loss of her disability -- PURE manipulation. It wasn't YOUR fault -- SHE is the one who decided to marry you and gave up that source of income. DO NOT let her guilt you anymore with this.

It is not YOUR job to pay for her kids/grandkids for everything. YOU aren't subsidizing them. No issue if she buys a couple of gifts, but this sounds like WAY more than that.


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## Openminded

Sounds like you got played in that transaction.


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## SafeT

jlg07 said:


> So, IMO, you really NEED to get a breakdown of what she is spending, and SHE opened this conversation up by asking for more $$$. I think you approach this with NO emotions or making her defensive.
> Just say, hey lets sit down, look at your expenses/outlays, and then we can see what we can budget.
> IF she isn't willing to do that, then I would question WHY she needs more money, and even MORE seriously -- what is she hiding?
> 
> Also, her guilting you to pay HER for loss of her disability -- PURE manipulation. It wasn't YOUR fault -- SHE is the one who decided to marry you and gave up that source of income. DO NOT let her guilt you anymore with this.
> 
> It is not YOUR job to pay for her kids/grandkids for everything. YOU aren't subsidizing them. No issue if she buys a couple of gifts, but this sounds like WAY more than that.


Thank you for that. I thought i was going mad or that I was the bad one here. She really does make me feel guilty for at. I've called her bluff and said if you don't like it go and get your money back. 
Since we've been married (just over 2 years), I've paid for absolutely everything. Including renovating the house we are in. Spent a fortune on that. My car has been in the garage for 2 months because I couldn't afford the balance of the repair bill because I had to pay her £4000 depsit for her new motability car. After bills, food etc i'm left with about £200 if im lucky for the week.


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## Diana7

SafeT said:


> My wife is on disability benefit. She lost that when we got married 2 years ago. She has a car on motability which she pays for out of her motability but then pays nothing else but petrol. she probably gets about £250 a month. I have basically replaced the money she lost when we got married. I've also just paid £4000 deposit on her new motability car. She is quite secretive about what she gets Still don't really know to this date exactly.. She is a hairdresser and also does that as well less than 16 hours a week, so can easily pull another £100+ per week.
> She basically blames me for her losing her PIP money, but she has no bills whatsoever to pay. Not one.
> I'm seriously thinking i've been reeled in. I take home at least £100k a year.


Wow so you are a very high earner, but have you asked her what she spends it all on as well as her hairdressing money? So she is getting about £1400 after petrol and its not enough? For what I wonder? Can you look at the bank statements or credit card bills? Does she buy a lot of clothes? Make up? Does she go out a lot?


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## Diana7

SafeT said:


> Thank you for that. I thought i was going mad or that I was the bad one here. She really does make me feel guilty for at. I've called her bluff and said if you don't like it go and get your money back.
> Since we've been married (just over 2 years), I've paid for absolutely everything. Including renovating the house we are in. Spent a fortune on that. My car has been in the garage for 2 months because I couldn't afford the balance of the repair bill because I had to pay her £4000 depsit for her new motability car. After bills, food etc i'm left with about £200 if im lucky for the week.


It seems odd that you earn so very much but cant afford to get your car repaired?


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## jlg07

SafeT said:


> Thank you for that. I thought i was going mad or that I was the bad one here. She really does make me feel guilty for at. I've called her bluff and said if you don't like it go and get your money back.
> Since we've been married (just over 2 years), I've paid for absolutely everything. Including renovating the house we are in. Spent a fortune on that. My car has been in the garage for 2 months because I couldn't afford the balance of the repair bill because I had to pay her £4000 depsit for her new motability car. After bills, food etc i'm left with about £200 if im lucky for the week.


This being the case, I would STOP paying her all that money until you get your debts cleared out. You shouldn't be without a car because of her spending habits.


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## SafeT

i can afford it. When you are the only income, and then pay everything, plus just pay a whacking £4000 deposit, plus carry on with the day to day bits like work etc, it soon goes. Especially as £300 goes into her account without fail every week. Plus any extras she says she needs. It does sound ridisulous I admit,and anyone reading this would probably just say i'm irresponsible. We don't go out. Most if not all the money remaining is spent on the house because she kicks off if something isn't done. And budgeting round paying for the car was tight. So Yes my car is affordable. I get it on Friday. 
I've also paid off some legacy debt (around 3000) which was joint, so think i'm doing ok. Was just asking if i am being unresonable????


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## Openminded

No, you’re not unreasonable but that doesn’t mean she’ll see it your way. It works for her.


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## Diana7

As I asked before what does she spend it all on? Have you looked at the bank statements?


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## ccpowerslave

SafeT said:


> Am I not giving her enough?


Well she is asking for more so apparently not.


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## Prodigal

SafeT said:


> She is quite secretive about what she gets Still don't really know to this date exactly.





SafeT said:


> She basically blames me for her losing her PIP money, but she has no bills whatsoever to pay. Not one.
> I'm seriously thinking i've been reeled in.


First thing, get CONTROL of the money. Second, stop being a paycheck for her. Third, find out what the hell she's DOING with the money. 

She doesn't like that? Tough. I'd certainly want to know why my spouse was secretive about money.

Oh, yeah ... and I also would pull the plug like yesterday on someone taking advantage of me. You can only be used if you allow someone to use you.

Pull the plug on this crap now.


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## SafeT

Diana7 said:


> As I asked before what does she spend it all on? Have you looked at the bank statements?


She'says' it goes on make up and bits and bobs for the house. Yes she does buy stuff. mainly more picture frames and ornamenst that we don't need. The house is like a show home. She will buy stuff just because she thinks it will work and then changes her mind and some of it gets thrown away. Brand new stuff just thrown. Makes my blood boil. She can be very wasteful with money. but I have to budget really hard and plan where the money goes. She had a business card of her oen. I soon took that away. I gave her a second card from my personal account. Tht got stopped and she royally kicked off at me.
Every day there's an Amazon parcel delivery with some stupid crap in it or stuff she can't be bothered to go to the shop for.
I really am getting down and depressed over this, because as much as I want my marriage to work I can't carry on like this.


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## In Absentia

Well, just say "there is no more money"... tell her what you told us here... where all the money is going. Obviously, she has no idea and she thinks you are being tight/mean.


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## SafeT

In Absentia said:


> Well, just say "there is no more money"... tell her what you told us here... where all the money is going. Obviously, she has no idea and she thinks you are being tight/mean.


Thanks. I've said exactly that. She thinks that i am just a free for all bank. I spend every penny I have on her and the house. I veave myself with hardly anything. Usually around £200ish a week. And this is to get to work on or sort stuff if it crops up. I am SERIOUSLY considering giving her her P45!
I have a spreadsheet that i use to track income and expenditure each week with a 6 week look ahead. So I know it's not me who can't budget. Then when she asks for more sometimes because of a birthday or something else, I give her that. I'm spending fortunes each week on the house to renovate it and get it how she wants it. working weekends on the house as well as my normal work. I'm a consultant so have a number of clients.
I know i'm not tight or unreasonable on money whatsoever. I'm not that sort of person and never would be. But when you consider she doesn't have to contribute to a single household bill and I even put fuel in her car, I don't think i'm being bad or unreasonable.


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## In Absentia

SafeT said:


> Thanks. I've said exactly that. She thinks that i am just a free for all bank. I spend every penny I have on her and the house. I veave myself with hardly anything. Usually around £200ish a week. And this is to get to work on or sort stuff if it crops up. I am SERIOUSLY considering giving her her P45!
> I have a spreadsheet that i use to track income and expenditure each week with a 6 week look ahead. So I know it's not me who can't budget. Then when she asks for more sometimes because of a birthday or something else, I give her that. I'm spending fortunes each week on the house to renovate it and get it how she wants it. working weekends on the house as well as my normal work. I'm a consultant so have a number of clients.
> I know i'm not tight or unreasonable on money whatsoever. I'm not that sort of person and never would be. But when you consider she doesn't have to contribute to a single household bill and I even put fuel in her car, I don't think i'm being bad or unreasonable.


It's only the two of you, so you should have a comfortable life taking home at least £100K. The house renovation madness has to stop. You just can't afford it. I'm afraid, you will have to put your foot down. If she doesn't like it, then she can have her P45! She might hate you for a while, but she'll get the message. If she doesn't, she is not the wife for you.


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## SafeT

In Absentia said:


> It's only the two of you, so you should have a comfortable life taking home at least £100K. The house renovation madness has to stop. You just can't afford it. I'm afraid, you will have to put your foot down. If she doesn't like it, then she can have her P45! She might hate you for a while, but she'll get the message. If she doesn't, she is not the wife for you.


Thank you. I'm beginning to think that for myself anyway. It's been good to let off steam and be able to talk openly and frankly to anonymous people without being judged. Just honest straight answers. 
Demographics. We're both in our early 50's and both on our second marriage.


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## In Absentia

SafeT said:


> Thank you. I'm beginning to think that for myself anyway. It's been good to let off steam and be able to talk openly and frankly to anonymous people without being judged. Just honest straight answers.
> Demographics. We're both in our early 50's and both on our second marriage.


Cheers for the demographics... only two of you on £100K with your wife having a part time job... you should not be having financial problems. Too much going out and it's not you...  If she wants more money, she can do more than 16 hours/week...


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## SafeT

In Absentia said:


> Cheers for the demographics... only two of you on £100K with your wife having a part time job... you should not be having financial problems. Too much going out and it's not you...  If she wants more money, she can do more than 16 hours/week...


Unfortunately she can't do more than 16 hours a week, as she would get her remaining benefit stopped!. So she does mobile hairdressing which is where her additional income comes from. Always cash, so I don't really see any of it. Just what she's bought with it !


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## In Absentia

SafeT said:


> Unfortunately she can't do more than 16 hours a week, as she would get her remaining benefit stopped!. So she does mobile hairdressing which is where her additional income comes from. Always cash, so I don't really see any of it. Just what she's bought with it !


Ah yes, of course... the 16 hours limit should have rang a bell. I think she has mistaken you for a cash cow.


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## Prodigal

SafeT said:


> I gave her a second card from my personal account. Tht got stopped and she royally kicked off at me.
> Every day there's an Amazon parcel delivery with some stupid crap in it or stuff she can't be bothered to go to the shop for.


I assume "kicked off" means your wife threw a tantrum. Fine. Let her kick and scream. But YOU are the one posting here. YOU are the one who isn't happy with the situation. So change it. Who gives a crap if she gets bent? If she was spending the money on something other than useless crap, fine. But she's not.

Again, YOU are the one unhappy with this situation. Either live with her careless spending or pull the plug on it. YOUR life. YOUR choice.


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## caldwell

Many people correctly advise to deal with this once and for all. Talk about costs and content. The situation looks very bad from your side


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