# I have Asperger's, driving wife crazy, what to do?



## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

I have Asperger's, my wife does not.

My wife and I have been married for 23 years. She is 40, I'm 47.

We have 3 kids, ages 20, 16, and 12.

Two have Aspergers.

In a nutshell: we married very young. The things about me that were originally attractive to her-- my obsessive dedication to music and fitness, my sense of humor, my "eccentricities" (changing all song lyrics into jokes, popping in and out of foreign accents, etc) over time have become things that she intensely dislikes.

I fit the stereotype of someone with Asperger's in many ways: I have Narrow, obsessive interests, I thrive on routines and structure, I am oblivious to social cues.

But UNLIKE most with Asperger's, I MUST have physical contact. I cannot tell if my wife is happy or not. I need to have her hold my hand, give me a hug, give me a kiss, be intimate with me, or put her arm around me.

My emotions are different than neurotypical people. I can LOGICALLY recognize when someone is sad, but I don't feel their sadness. I can LOGICALLY see when someone expresses joy that I should feel joy WITH them, but I usually don't.

I experience feeling purely from a "me," perspective. I'm not a narcissist. I just don't personally experience the feelings of others. However, I INTENSELY experience when the actions of others cause ME to feel joy, sadness, anger, etc.

Now, my main point:

I'm considering divorcing my wife.

Why?

1. She no longer has any interest in physical contact. Over many years, she has grown sick of my attributes, and also says that she has no libido like she used to. She does not want to take hormone therapy to address that.
2. My wife and I have no common interests besides our children. Our common interests USED to be hanging out with friends, having drinks, going to concerts, joking around, and going to church. Over time, she has made it known that she hates the music I like, doesn't want me to drink (because I admittedly DO act silly and tell stupid awkward jokes, which are embarrassing).
3. She dislikes every TV show or movie that interests me (Sci fi movies, horror movies, scientific shows)
4. All 3 of our daughters have mental health problems, and my wife resents that she ever had children. One is Trans and Autistic, another is Autistic with an anxiety disorder, the third has ADHD, depression, and an anxiety disorder.
5. My wife is either Bipolar or Borderline, but her psych docs agree she has a mood disorder.
6. My wife is a Christian, but I have recently become an Atheist.

Now is the part where I do NOT fit the mold of the "Typical Asperger's Self-Centered Jerk Husband"--

I feel too guilty to divorce her.

Despite the fact that she punishes me by withholding physical touch, belittles the music I like, belittles my desire to try to be physically fit, belittles the movies I like, DESPITE all this, I know that our 3 children are emotionally and developmentally handicapped because of MY genetics.

My wife is mentally ill, and in 22 years has had only 4 jobs, the longest of which lasted only 1 year. She does not have the emotional stability or education to earn the necessary income to even pay the bills for herself, let alone our kids.

I earn a large amount of military disability pay due to an injury. So I will receive that for the rest of my life.

My father, aged 77, recently informed me that he will be leaving me 1 million dollars on his death; 250k in an IRA, $150k in stocks, his house worth $300k, and another $250k in some other financial form.

My wife has said things like, "I know I will never be able to make you happy. I don't like to be touched. But if we got divorced, YOU would have no problems finding someone to have sex with you."

She is resigned to the fact that she won't divorce me (since she is a Christian,) but it KILLS ME to know that I don't inspire her to desire me physically, that she thinks she is ugly despite me constantly complimenting her, that she "just has to deal with the fact that I have to change my whole life because you have Asperger's."

She is content to live an emotional life completely separate from me. 

Here is the objective truth:
I am an amazing husband, but also a terrible one.

I make her coffee every morning. I am generous. Anytime we have extra money, I spend it on her.
I do all the cooking, the cleaning, the yard work. I give her backrubs every single night (well, maybe 350 night a year,) I pay the bills, I do the laundry. I take care of the kids. I make the doctor appointments, refill the meds, etc.
I give my wife flowers and cards, and compliment her.

But,

I also ask her "what are you thinking" 8-10 times times day, because I can't figure it out based on her posture or facial expressions. I forget to do things she asks me to do frequently. I must do things in a certain order: 1st feed pets, then do dishes, then wake up kids for school, then eat breakfast, then walk on treadmill, etc. I give complete strangers overly personal information because I don't understand why I shouldn't. I MUST experience physical touch, or I cannot experience the feeling of love. I have embarrassed her countless times in front of her friends by unintentionally making awkward jokes, or asking inappropriate questions.

My heart is filled with kindness, but my actions and behaviors cause her endless frustration.

I am completely alien to her.

So I don't know what to do. I truly believe we would be happier divorced. However, she would be destitute. I am too kind to allow that to happen. Yet, because I AM a kind hearted person, I feel I deserve to be with a person who loves me-- or at the very LEAST is not irritated by nearly every aspect of me.

I have considered remaining together until my father passes away. Then, once I receive my inheritance, split it with my wife, and go our separate ways.

I in NO WAY assert I am perfect, or even a fantastic human being. But I am kind, and broken hearted, and unintentionally frustrating to the woman who once long ago loved me.



What are your opinions?

Should I stay married until I can split my inheritance with her? (Maybe 5-10 years,) or just end things now, and hope that my wife can somehow get a job and support herself?
I should add, she has no family to live with, her married best friend just moved far away, and she has only 2 other ladies that are friends she talks to....who live in a house with 2 other people, and rent it.

My heart is crushed knowing that she doesn't romantically love me, and that her life without ME would be a disaster.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You have a really complicated and unusual situation. I wouldn't stay together just to give her half of your inheritance while you count down the days till your father passes. And if you divorced today I suspect you would be paying spousal support, so she wouldn't just be supporting herself. 

It would suck to just throw away 23 years of marriage without making a real attempt to get back on track. Have you considered going to couples counseling?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The bottom line is that in today's world mentally ill people are procreating with mentally ill people = more mentally ill people in a world that is already super populated. Give or take a few hundred years and the world will be filled with mostly mentally ill people.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> The bottom line is that in today's world mentally ill people are procreating with mentally ill people = more mentally ill people in a world that is already super populated. Give or take a few hundred years and the world will be filled with mostly mentally ill people.


Ouch... what a bleak vision of the world... even bleaker than mine.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> Give or take a few hundred years and the world will be filled with mostly mentally ill people.


Once everyone is mentally ill it's just ...normal.

OP, you need to either seek professional help in the form of a therapist who specializes in mood disorders and has experience with people who aren't neurotypical or a lawyer. And stop feeling guilty. Your wife has mental illness. Her genes contributed to the children's problems, too. She's a grown woman. You have the right to leave. You'll pay some spousal support and she'll have to get herself sorted like every other adult must.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AspieM said:


> *My father, aged 77*
> 
> Should I stay married until I can split my inheritance with her? (*Maybe 5-10 years*)


You could be waiting 20 years...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am concerned about how you leaving would affect the children who it seems are already struggling.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's unlikely that her taking hormones would do anything to change her wanting to have sex with you or touch you. Honestly it's because you've been married so many years more than anything else. And it happens in a lot of marriages as people get older and are together a long time. 

I think it's good you have a conscience about how she would be able to get along if you left. You should at least look into the laws in your state or where you live because most states do not even require spousal alimony but if you want to give her alimony there's certainly nothing to stop you. If the children are underaged then there would certainly be child support. If you were in the US she would also have access to welfare but only if she has underage children living with her. 

What does she want to do? If she's miserable she may be willing to divorce.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

There’s no rule that says if you split up you can’t support her however you want.

My wife and I send money to people all the time and we’re not married to them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I would not co mingle your inheritance under the circumstance. That’s yours from your father.

From what you’ve posted this will get worse not better. Get a divorce now. Stop wasting life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Once everyone is mentally ill it's just ...normal.
> 
> OP, you need to either seek professional help in the form of a therapist who specializes in mood disorders and has experience with people who aren't neurotypical or a lawyer. And stop feeling guilty. Your wife has mental illness. Her genes contributed to the children's problems, too. She's a grown woman. You have the right to leave. You'll pay some spousal support and she'll have to get herself sorted like every other adult must.


I agree with this advice!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Separate. You should separate and see what live could be like permanently for both of you. No need to make such a big decision right now.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

"All 3 of our daughters have mental health problems, and my wife resents that she ever had children. One is Trans and Autistic, another is Autistic with an anxiety disorder, the third has ADHD, depression, and an anxiety disorder."

Full stop. Your family is a complete mess and your kids are at-risk.Your first priority is getting this situation under control and getting the girls back on track.

The transgenderism / gender dysphoria is a manifestation of the underlying Autism. I know a girl going through exactly that, and if you indulge it, or placate her on this, it will be a disaster. We don't help people with psychosis by giving them hallucinogenic drugs and convincing them their bent reality is somehow real.


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## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

Thank you for all your replies.

In no particular order:

I did not know I had Asperger's until after my wife and I sought treatment for our daughters. Through their diagnosis, I saw they had the same issues as I did, so I pursued a diagnosis. And I was diagnosed as a 40 something year old adult.

Had I known I had it earlier--and that my wife was bipolar/borderline earlier-- I would not have chosen to have children.

I would never abandon them!

If I divorced I would at LEAST desire joint custody, if not full custody.

It's truly heartbreaking to me to be in this position. People with Aspergers DO have feelings. We experience them differently than others, but we DO feel the emotions of sadness and love and anger.

And I DO care about my children and how divorce would affect them!

However, BOTH my wife and I had parents who couldn't stand one another, but stayed together because they were Christian and believed it was "the right thing to do." (Just a fact, not an insult to Christians.)

Both my wife and I felt each of our parents should have gotten divorced instead of staying married, because children (even Autistic ones,) can tell when a marriage is just a facade compared to one built on mutual respect and love.

I wish that there was an easy way out; that she would cheat on me, or initiate the divorce.

But despite being an Atheist, I have a strong moral code, and the idea of divorcing her, knowing she has no income, no family to live with, and would have no insurance to pay for the many psych meds she takes makes me sad for her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AspieM said:


> But despite being an Atheist, I have a strong moral code


don't sweat the small issues. Being an atheist has never been an indicator of an immoral or moral person. You do have your plate full. Seek full cooperation from your wife for couple's therapy from a license counselor that specializes in problem with people with mental disorders. Somehow you must make you wife understand that this is imperative for the the well being of the family, specially the children. Make her understand that otherwise you will do whatever to ensure the children will be taking care of, but that you will be leaving her if she does not complies. Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hate it when someone else labels you....... as broken.

You don't sound broken, you are upbeat, emphatic, and you are successful.

One thing, one thing you are......

*You are gullible*, in allowing others to pigeon hole you into some unloved box. 

Hah!
But, you were told.......

Likely, you looked at the symptoms of a high functioning Aspie and surrendered yourself to that image, that concept.

Everyone has character faults, has personality quirks, some of them inane.

Most people could say that they have some of those traits seen in Asperger patients.

Count your blessings, you are OK, ask mercy for your daughters, even your wife.

If touch and intimacy is that important to you, divorce, and then take women to bed as girlfriends, but forever take care of those you set aside.
Pay for their care.....within reason.

Remind yourself of this...
You will be using these other women for your own needs, maybe theirs, maybe not.

Keep this information about yourself hidden. No one should paint themselves as....permanently flawed and one being thought of as spoiled meat.


_SunCMars- I am a high functioning Martian and warrior._


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## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

We have both gone to counseling, as individuals, but not as a couple.
My wife doesn't want to go together to a marriage counselor; she sees the issue fairly one dimensionally-- I have Asperger's which causes difficulties in communication, which then causes hurts between one another. 
This IS correct. However, I don't think she would accept the fact that her mood disorder plays any role in things.

The last few days, she keeps saying things like, "I can't believe you're still married to me because of X," or, "Would you be happier married to someone who is autistic?" and 30 minutes ago when discussing about a Dream Place to live in, I said, "A place that was a Part Cabin by a Lake, A Castle, and a Subterranean Home filled with lots of cool shiny Things to look at," and SHE replied, "Uh.....yeah, if I had known when we got married that you EVER wanted to live a Subterranean home, we would have NEVER gotten married."

She tells me every other morning that she dreamt I cheated on her, or left her.

I seriously cannot understand her. Is she showing insecurity and fear of abandonement? Is she offering me an opportunity to divorce her? Is she passive aggressively putting me down? Is she trying to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so she can blame me if I DO get a divorce?

Then a moment later, she will talk about our future together-- "When we get our inheritance we can finally take a trip to the caribbean," or something like that.

I'm so confused and clueless!



My counselor has basically said, "Live your life. Treat her with respect, but do what you want to do for your own well-being (ie, go exercise each day, or play music each day). She will either accept that, or she will give you the silent treatment. Either way, the ball is in her court."

I wish I wasn't such a coward. I deserve to be with a woman who genuinely likes me, not one who tolerates me. But I fear my wife won't ever ask for a divorce, especially since she doesnt have enough money to support herself.

I'm so sad about this.

Maybe my wife IS subtly trying to get me to divorce her, but then she makes comments about our future together. I don't know if she is trying to play head games with me.


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## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

@SunCMars ,

*Keep this information about yourself hidden. No one should paint themselves as....permanently flawed and one being thought of as spoiled meat.*

What are you referring to? About me saying I have Asperger's? Is English your second language, or are you from a non-American culture?

Sorry, the tone and words of your post seem different to me.

If you a referring to my having Asperger's, it is not a label I gave myself. I sought out a Psychologist to discuss personal traits which made my marital relationship difficult, and through a formal process I was diagnosed as having Asperger's (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

If I do divorce, I'm hesitant to ever marry again. I have been so emotionally crushed (yes, someone with Asperger's CAN be hurt emotionally). And in the event that I WOULD start a relationship with someone, I don't know if I would mention having Asperger's or not.

Thank you all for your time in reading.

My wife just said she needs to go out to drivecand be alone, so who knows....maybe when she comes back she will want to discuss our marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AspieM said:


> @SunCMars ,
> 
> *Keep this information about yourself hidden. No one should paint themselves as....permanently flawed and one being thought of as spoiled meat.*
> 
> ...


Yes, we are from a non-American culture.

Yes, we are referring to you.

If you are comfortable with your Psychologists diagnosis, then, so be it.
I would not be happy with such labeling.

I 'suggest' that you do not share this diagnosis with anyone who has no 'need' to know.
People then, will pre-judge you unfairly.

May you have _Good Luck_ with your wife.



_Irish Brian-_


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## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

Thank you Brian.

I hope I didn't offend you by asking if you weren't American, or spoke English as a 2nd language.

Sometimes I cannot tell the "tone" of a person's responses.

I appreciate your thoughts.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Give or take a few hundred years and the world will be filled with mostly mentally ill people.


Thank you Darwin.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Trident said:


> Thank you Darwin.


You are welcome.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Spent 24 years married to a man who my counselor felt was Asperger's. For me it was a cruel death, he had no clue. We were so disconnected. I do not think there was a way to connect to him, he was in his own world. My advise in marriage counseling.


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## AspieM (May 27, 2021)

AVR1962, I am VERRY sorry to hear that. I have read about simular experiences to yours countless times with neurodiverse marriages. 

I am certainly one of the VERY FEW exceptions in Asperger's marriages-- someone who fits the stereotypical profile (oblivious to social cues, has obsessive interests, like routines)-- BUT who would do ANYTHING to demonstrate his love to his partner.

My passions were playing guitar, weightlifting, and playing in bands.

I gave them all up when my wife began to complain about them (whether legitimate reasons, or not).

After 23 years of giving up literally EVERYTHING that made me unique-- watching Sci fi and horror movies, playing guitar, exercising, telling jokes, social drinking, being physically affectionate, talking about ANY of my interests (philosophy, science, religion, life after death, the paranormal, etc) in order to make her not annoyed with me-- now I sit next to her in silence. What WAS me is dead.

She doesn't care about anything that interests me, and whenever I try to engage her in anything that interests her, I get one-word answers.

We have done counseling individually, but not as a couple. She is not interested.

From her perspective, she knows how I am, and doesn't think anything will ever make her feel "more" for me.

It is a tragedy.

It was a tragedy for you too.

Ironically, I knew myself well enough before my wife and I married to write her a list about myself; it outlined what I loved, my goals, what was important to me, how I "thought." (This was before I knew I had Aspergers). Despite sharing thus, my wife must have thought it was a cute little eccentric letter, because she completely disregarded it the rest of our marriage.

Nearly all of the time, people with Asperger's don't realize how their actions affect their spouse.

But once in a blue moon, a person like me DOES realize....early in their relationship...and tries for 20 years to win back the loving spouse they used to have, and fails.



Im very, very sorry to hear of your experience.

Take it from me, if someone with Asperger's COULD take a magic pill to become neurotypical, we would do it in a heartbeat!!!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

AspieM, reading as you describe yourself in the above message it was like reading about my ex with the exception of the guitar....swap it out with the accordion and you would be like twins. I am happy for you that your relationship with your wife has survived. My life goes on and I chalk my experience up to knowledge of where I never want to be again in my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AspieM said:


> @SunCMars ,
> 
> *Keep this information about yourself hidden. No one should paint themselves as....permanently flawed and one being thought of as spoiled meat.*
> 
> ...


@SunCMars is a retired US military veteran and he has a very special way with words and some deep wisdom. 

My situation is reversed to yours. My wife of 32 years is an Aspie (she too had a late diagnosis) and this has caused "issues" between us. 

This link might be a useful resource for you, your wife and your children:-





__





Resources for Family & Friends – The Asperger / Autism Network (AANE)


As parents and professionals we know what it’s like to raise children, teens and adults with Asperger Syndrome (Asperger's), Autism / ASD and similar profiles. Parents often tell us, "You're the first person who understands!" You are not alone!




www.aane.org


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