# The unfairness gets to me sometimes



## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

I hope I don't sound as pathetic as I feel today. I came here to unload feeling as if some of you might understand.

I've been divorced for nearly five years now. Long story short, marriage ended because my ex located his college girlfriend on Facebook and they started having an affair. Broke up both of our marriages. In order to be with her, my ex located six hours away, leaving behind our daughter who is now 15 and has autism.

My ex isn't a complete deadbeat; he does pay child support and has never missed a payment (I think he's scared of what would happen if he did.) The grief he put me though during the divorce was sufficient to wipe out any loving feelings I had towards him (he kept denying the affair, in the end the lying was worse than the cheating) so I do fully understand that it was a blessing in many ways. He was a selfish, immature jerk who had trouble holding down a job, and was completely convinced that everyone in the world was out to get him. I was unhappy in our marriage, but was committed to it and tried hard to keep it together even when I knew he was cheating. After our divorce, I found out he had an affair with a high school girlfriend as well, and also broke up that marriage. He was married once before me, and cheated on her, too. I've had to wrap my head around the fact that I was married to a serial cheater for 14 years. This being said, I know him well enough to know what's under it all... he has no self-confidence, no self-esteem. He went to the person who could make him feel good about himself again, not the woman who had dealt with his crap for years and was beyond disappointed in him.

When we split, he told me he would make the trip back here at least once a month to see our daughter. At the time, it made me cry that my daughter would only spend one weekend a month with her father. Of course, its never been "once a month"... more like once every 3-4 months. Her father is now engaged to his AP, and my daughter can't stand this woman (she knows the role this woman played in taking her father away) so she has no interest in going to visit. Despite her autism (fortunately, its high-functioning) she's rather astute and has been asking questions lately, and is understandably angry with her father and has realized that she's nowhere near the top of her father's priority list. Its very hard to watch her hurt over him. He doesn't call her often, perhaps once a week, and there's no plans for a visit over the summer.

Meanwhile, I work a demanding job and parent our child alone. I have little to no time for a personal life of my own. I deal with the guilt of knowing that my daughter feels abandoned by her father, and she is very clingy towards me. When I have to travel for work, she's very anxious and deals with separation anxiety. I occasionally go out for an evening, I can leave her for 3-4 hours and she's fine, but it leaves me no time to pursue a relationship. Meanwhile, my ex is planning a wedding, taking weekend trips with his fiancee, and other than sending that check twice a month, doesn't have any parental responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that my daughter is with me and we have a great relationship. I could never make the choices my ex has made. My daughter (like a lot of kids with autism) never wants to go anywhere or do anything except stay at home where everything is safe. We don't get many invitations to do things because of her behavior issues, which makes me feel very isolated. On a day like today, when most are at gatherings celebrating the holiday, I'm at home feeling beyond lonely. I would love to have the opportunity to have a relationship with a man, but its hard to find one who is interested in a woman who doesn't have much time to invest. 

I have many things in life to be thankful for, but on a day like today I feel as if life is passing me by. My #1 job is to raise my daughter to be a happy, healthy, productive adult, and I'm fully committed to that. But today, I feel very alone. 

Thanks for reading.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Holiday weekends are hell.  Memorial Day Weekend is the worst for me. H's young adult son had a crisis many years ago and he left on Memorial Day weekend, after quitting his job, to go help. I figured we were over and I went about my business. And then h came back the next year on Memorial Day Weekend (told me it was symbolic and he wasn't going to leave me with the memory of leaving on that weekend), but the son who had created the crisis never let him forget it, even though the boys had moved to the state their mother came from and never came to see h and were adults and responsible for themselves. And then on Memorial Day weekend of 2008 we went to the lake and he wanted to make love along a tree line where people were bringing in their boats off the lake (yup, he wanted us to make out in the truck on the boat ramp for all the damn world to see) and I wasn't comfortable. I was being tested that day, and I failed. H had already done that with OW, the exhibitionist from hell, and she won. 

Not that he's a prize. 

I'm sorry you're blue, but I totally understand. We hurt when our spouses wound us but it is really hard to watch the kids take it on the chin. It also sounds like you could use a break from being the singular child-care giver and if your ex-h were closer or more invested you could have more time for a life for you. 

So what are the plans for when your daughter graduates from high school? Three years sounds like a long time, but if she has plans and goals, do you see the potential for more free time in the future? Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel? 

I worked for a man with a high-functioning autistic son, and my boss's wife was the one largely investing the time and effort into the son while he was in high school. But they did get him settled into a job (primarily working online and from his home, since he was able to manage an apartment) and he even completed a degree online. Does your daughter have aspirations and goals that provide you with hope and enthusiasm for the future?


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

TeddieG said:


> Holiday weekends are hell.  Memorial Day Weekend is the worst for me. H's young adult son had a crisis many years ago and he left on Memorial Day weekend, after quitting his job, to go help. I figured we were over and I went about my business. And then h came back the next year on Memorial Day Weekend (told me it was symbolic and he wasn't going to leave me with the memory of leaving on that weekend), but the son who had created the crisis never let him forget it, even though the boys had moved to the state their mother came from and never came to see h and were adults and responsible for themselves. And then on Memorial Day weekend of 2008 we went to the lake and he wanted to make love along a tree line where people were bringing in their boats off the lake (yup, he wanted us to make out in the truck on the boat ramp for all the damn world to see) and I wasn't comfortable. I was being tested that day, and I failed. H had already done that with OW, the exhibitionist from hell, and she won.
> 
> Not that he's a prize.
> 
> ...


My daughter has no ambitions for after high school, but she's 3-4 years behind maturity-wise. She does know that I expect her to go to college (and she's smart enough to do so) so I have faith that she will be able to take care of herself someday. So, yes, in a few years I'm hopeful that she will be mature enough to handle me having a life of my own. But right now, its a solitary existence and I'm on the pity pot. 

I'm also hopeful that someday a brick will fall on my ex's head and wake him up to what he's missing with our daughter. But, I'm not holding my breath!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I LIKE climbing around on old brick walls, especially the type with loose bricks at the top. Tell me where to show up!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Media_girl24, I feel your pain.

I have two daughters, now 19 and 15 and been divorced almost three years. When Triple D (despicable deadbeat dad) left he was moving out of state to "live with family" and he said he would be back about once a month to see the kids. In the last two years he's seen them 1 day. He longer calls, texts or communicates with his kids. He snubbed my eldest daughter's HS graduation. Right now I have no idea where he is, and until I can find him, I can't get a garnishment action going again for child support. He's a real prince.

So I understand about being a sole parent. It is not the same as being a single parent, meaning someone who is divorced but co-parents. A sole parent is the only adult parenting the child. You are the one who must make arrangements with school, friends, MD, dentist-all while holding down a full-time job and keep a home together. There literally is no more time or energy to cultivate an adult private life. Do you have any family near by that can help out? I haven't had the extra burden of parenting a child with special needs and can only imagine the added stress that can put on your life. 

I can say that since my eldest if now off at college and my youngest is ridiculously responsible, I can go out on the weekend. But because I never have child-free weekends I've opted not to date. Some will say that's unnecessary, but Triple D put us all through a lot and I've worked extremely hard to make our home as stress-free as possible. I'm sure as your DD gets older, you will feel more comfortable going out for dinner etc. with friends.

You aren't alone.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I’m in the same boat.

XWW and I started out with shared 50/50 custody years ago but now my kids live with me full time. Gradually they decided they didn’t want to live with her at all. They were not the priority in her life…she was, and they figured that out. They are teenagers and the oldest graduates soon from high school. 

I have a busy career and work about 45 to 50 hours a week. I make sure I am home every night by 6:00 to make dinner and spend some time with them. I help them with homework, I do laundry, grocery shopping, house cleaning, all household repairs and maintenance. I drive them where they need to go. I am mom and dad all rolled up into one, and it makes for some long days. By the end of the week I am worn out. I certainly don’t have the energy to put into finding someone or dating. With what XWW put me through, I’m not sure if I want to. Even if I did…I honestly wouldn’t have much time to spend with someone anyway.

It is tough to see XWW living with no consequences, receiving a big fat alimony check from me every month and living a care free life of dating and partying. Don’t get me wrong, I would never give up my kids to live a life like hers but sometimes I feel lonely and overwhelmed.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

You need to date. My mom focused on us and let her happiness with a spouse pass her by. She didn't want the drama or heartache. 

I asked her the other day is she wished that she had focused on herself more. She doesn't have regrets, per se, but she does wish she had a companion. 

Now it is too late.


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## JotDot (Feb 15, 2013)

I definitely feel the same sometimes, Media_girl. I am more than 5 years out from divorce from a serial cheater. I only have one child young enough to still be at home full time but have become the sole parent as the years have gone on (earlier, I was the residential and stable parent and the exH had visitation). Even though the youngest child is now a teen who can manage her day-to-day affairs and likes to let me know that she has little use for me in general, she nevertheless counts on the security of knowing that I’m close to home, and she also still needs supervision.

I’m lucky that the exH didn’t move out of town, has kept up with support payments, and did manage regular visitation – when it worked with his social and travel schedule – for several years, until the last child refused to go any more. But everything of substance was still left to me – the children’s daily care, preparing their meals, doing their laundry, arranging and attending their medical appointments, driving them to activities, teaching them to drive, caring for the pets, keeping up the house, tending the lawn, making repairs – in addition to working each day. The kids and I learned soon after the split that they couldn’t count on their father being available to help out (or even answer his phone) even if they were in a pinch, and I don’t have any family in the area, so everything always fell to me. Since my trust is broken from the cheating, and I almost never come into contact with any unmarried men anyway, dating is not at the top of my priority list; but even if it were, I don’t know where I would find the time and privacy to make it happen.

It seems that most folks I know who have gotten divorced have married again within about 3 years, and I’m feeling like I’ve missed the window. Meanwhile, though the ex and his “soulmate” #2 didn’t last, he found others shortly after, never had to spend more than a few moments alone, and has remarried someone who came with a house and financial security. They frequently jet off to far away places, and he’s never had to even give a second thought to whether our children will be safe and cared for while he’s gone, much less make any actual arrangements for their care. I am very happy to have been fortunate enough to be able to be the present parent for my children; but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t still sometimes sting to feel that I will always be alone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tortdog said:


> *You need to date.* My mom focused on us and let her happiness with a spouse pass her by. She didn't want the drama or heartache.
> 
> I asked her the other day is she wished that she had focused on herself more. She doesn't have regrets, per se, but she does wish she had a companion.
> 
> Now it is too late.


Maybe dating is too much. But pursuing personal interests and widening your social circles are a good idea.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Maybe dating is too much. But pursuing personal interests and widening your social circles are a good idea.


I agree. Here is the thing from a guys perspective. If you don't really have time to date then anyone of quality to have a realtionship with won't date you. However guys just looking for sex will come out of the woodwork because they always have an easy excuse to ghost you or break it off with you. The one thing you need to make a relationship successful is available time.

Now if your child with autism will need indefinite care you need to make a plan so you can eventually have a social life. Maybe that includes getting a nanny? Do you live in one of those states where child support can be adjusted because of your X husbands new marriage? If you aren't sure check because you may be owed more money and that could help.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Media_girl24, I understand how you feel. My ex-h of less than a year had an affair with a woman he went to high school with and left me and our then 13-year-old son after 25 years of marriage so he could move her in with him from another state and live 10 minutes away across town. He would have never admitted she was the reason he wanted to move out and divorce me if I hadn't caught them. He still lies to his friends and own family about that, and didn't want our son to ever know - his plan was to have everyone believe he reconnected with her after we divorced, and they had a one-month whirlwind romance before moving in together.

I'm fortunate, I guess, in that he does remain a regular part of our son's life. But our son doesn't like staying with them - he thinks it's creepy and awkward, even though she's at least nice to him, so he's pretty much with me every night. I'm glad of that, and we have a great relationship and enjoy each other's company (when he's not playing video games or on his phone with his friends). But I feel like it's all me, even so, too. I do all the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, pet care, chauffeuring, etc.

I don't say that to complain about having to do all that stuff - I'd be doing all that if it were just me, too - I just also do them for one other person, and a person I love more than anything else in the world. What does irritate me is how my ex gets to live 10 minutes away with his GF as if they're newlyweds with no kids or even pets, while I'm over here doing pretty everything else all the time.

Holiday weekends suck the most, as has been said here. Memorial Day Weekend is a particularly sucky one for me, because we got married on Memorial Day Weekend. But they're all pretty awful. I see others having their family get-togethers, and I can't even spend time with my extended family because they're all far away. Last year, I tried traveling to see them to get my mind off what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary, but that still was hard because they are all happily married and I was the odd woman out.

These selfish [email protected] have no idea of the destruction they've left in their nonsense's wake. They get away with little to no responsibility day after day after day, and much worse than that, with profoundly impacting their children's lives in a negative way, and probably don't so much as lose a wink of sleep over it. It's infuriating. I've been trying hard not to let that fury consume me, but right now, it's winning.


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