# Just looking for honest feedback



## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

Hi. I've been married for two and a half years and in total we have been together for seven years. I am 28 now and my husband is seven years older than I. My issue is this - I'm sure he is addicted to porn. He sneaks away to the basement daily for a shower or to do some work. I've followed down a few times, after he has been down there about half hour or so, and found him beating to porn. That upsets me enough just because I'm constantly throwing myself at him. Always asking for sex, always offering(and most times delivering with nothing in return) oral, I send photos and he has some videos of us on his phone. He sneaks away when our daughter is up and we could be playing as a family. it's annoying. I know many ppl are gonna come at me with "porn is normal, you're a prude, whatever " but this is a lot. So much he was taking erection medication just to get with me. For years. He has photos saved in his phone of other women. Tried to bs me and say his phone just saves photos but I'm not an idiot. I'm not sure what's going on here. He gets irritated and defensive and turns blame to me saying I'm over reacting. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage and he chooses his hand and screen over me 95% of the time. Then when we do have sex it's literally five or six times over two days and then he isn't interested again. So, normal or is this an issue????????


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Its an issue. 

Your husband needs help in some form.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Yes, his porn use is not healthy

Unfortunately, your biggest problem is that *HE* doesn't see it as a problem


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

This dude gets help or you start getting help looking for a contingency plan of what life looks like after divorce with a man that will welcome your advances with open arms and hands (sorry) and return the favor.

This is a BIG problem, the problem of what he is doing and rejecting himself and the even bigger issue of him not thinking there's much wrong with it. It's unthinkable for me to fathom how moving images could be more sexy or enticing than a real human, especially your wife, I just don't get it but this is an issue that is far from rare unfortunately.

I could think long and hard about what you want out of this, what he needs to change and what you expect and then talk to him about it. If he disagrees and there's no compromise then you will have to be prepared to let him know you won't live like that or stand for it. If he starts to follow through and then falls, then he will need to accept Marriage Counseling and if that fails then there's not much you can do sadly.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Yes, your H has a porn problem. Maybe find some reading material for porn addiction. And honestly, why not have you take care of his business. Even if it is just a handy when needed?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

And I missed the part, the first time about him sneaking away when your daughter is up still. WTF? Do you have a close relationship with his parents? Does he respect his parents? 

If he doesn't start to get with the program, might be time to tell this 'little boy's' Mom and Dad that their son is a deviant and I'm not so sure they will be pleased with that and even more to the point, they will want their son to get real help.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, your H has a porn problem. Maybe find some reading material for porn addiction. *And honestly, why not have you take care of his business. Even if it is just a handy when needed?*


 Maybe I am misunderstanding your question here. She said she is literally throwing herself at him and giving him unrequited BJs, sending him naughty things of herself, etc.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

This sounds like a problem on his part. I have no problem with porn as a form of entertainment, but it should not be overtaking his life as you describe. He should not be constantly leaving you unsatisfied sexually or bailing out on family time just for alone time with porn. 

I'm curious. What your opinion is of porn in general if used in a responsible manner?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stillfightingforus said:


> Maybe I am misunderstanding your question here. She said she is literally throwing herself at him and giving him unrequited BJs, sending him naughty things of herself, etc.


My question is to the Daisy's H. Why not have Daisy take care of his business when Daisy is right there ready, willing and able. I don't get it. 

There is no doubt the internet porn sex has twisted the H brain. It appears to me the H thinks sex should be porn sex. 

Also, what type of porn is the H watching?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Porn is like alcohol, some people can use it without any adverse issues, for others it becomes a destructive addiction. 

OP, it sounds like your husband's use is very destructive. He is turning down a woman who loves him and wants him for porn. I don't know that there is anything you can do to fix this if he doesn't recognize that he has a problem. If you can get him to recognize that, then there are probably treatment options.

I don't know how to convince him. To most people, jerking off to movies in the basement when the woman you love is available is an obvious problem. OTOH, to most people lying drunk in an alley is also an obvious problem, but alcoholics won't know - or more likely will know but won't be able to stop. 

Addictive behavior is very difficult to fix, and pretty much impossible unless the addict wants to stop.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yes he has a serious issue. 

I occasionally look at porn, but only when I have been away from my girl for a couple of days. I'm not really into it, I don't see it as completely evil or anything, I just don't care. I prefer my GF. 

You are going to have to get tough with him, starting today. 

I recommend that you serve him divorce papers so that he knows you are serious. You don't have to finish the divorce if he straightens up, but it might wake him up. 

Then he needs some type of counseling. Not sure where to start with that but it has to happen. 

This is just so strange when men do this, I don't get it...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> I recommend that you serve him divorce papers so that he knows you are serious. You don't have to finish the divorce if he straightens up, but it might wake him up..


From what you describe, you should view this problem as if he was a heroin addict. You can't nicely turn this around. To fix this, it will take extreme and harsh measures and will require a lot of work from both of you. Even if he decides to try to quit, you have to decide if you're up for what you'll need to do to make sure he stays clean. It'll be like trying to keep an addict away from heroin if heroin was just a smartphone and a moment of privacy away.

You will have to do something like be ready to divorce. And I mean really be ready, not just use it as a threat. Talk to an attorney and get papers drawn up. Then go to him with the divorce papers in one hand and a pamphlet from a Sexual Addicts Anonymous group in the other. Tell him he has to pick one.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think this is an all to common, modern form of adultery that we've debated ad nauseam here on TAM.

I'd say if he won't give it up and give his body to you alone, you should leave him and attempt to get a divorce/annulment based on infidelity.

He can be cured, but only if he has a conscience and agrees it is wrong.

Porn lovers look: another marriage being destroyed.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He's got a problem and needs to be STRONGLY encouraged to get help. Passing up a 28 year in the flesh for porn is truly sad but this is a big problem through the country. I've read of stories like your husband that can't even get an erection from a live girl.

I've been married to my wife for 29 years together for 32 and I still find her hot and would bang her morning and night if she'd let me, so when I read these threads of wives with husband not taking care of business, shake my head in disbelief. A normal husband with a wife 7 years younger would be all over her. 

You may require drastic measure of threatening to leave to wake him up.


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

Edo Edo said:


> This sounds like a problem on his part. I have no problem with porn as a form of entertainment, but it should not be overtaking his life as you describe. He should not be constantly leaving you unsatisfied sexually or bailing out on family time just for alone time with porn.
> 
> I'm curious. What your opinion is of porn in general if used in a responsible manner?



I don't care if porn is used occasionally here and there. I don't need it personally, my imagination works great for me! But this is taken to another level with my H


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## LostMama18 (May 28, 2018)

Daisy685 said:


> Hi. I've been married for two and a half years and in total we have been together for seven years. I am 28 now and my husband is seven years older than I. My issue is this - I'm sure he is addicted to porn. He sneaks away to the basement daily for a shower or to do some work. I've followed down a few times, after he has been down there about half hour or so, and found him beating to porn. That upsets me enough just because I'm constantly throwing myself at him. Always asking for sex, always offering(and most times delivering with nothing in return) oral, I send photos and he has some videos of us on his phone. He sneaks away when our daughter is up and we could be playing as a family. it's annoying. I know many ppl are gonna come at me with "porn is normal, you're a prude, whatever " but this is a lot. So much he was taking erection medication just to get with me. For years. He has photos saved in his phone of other women. Tried to bs me and say his phone just saves photos but I'm not an idiot. I'm not sure what's going on here. He gets irritated and defensive and turns blame to me saying I'm over reacting. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage and he chooses his hand and screen over me 95% of the time. Then when we do have sex it's literally five or six times over two days and then he isn't interested again. So, normal or is this an issue????????




In my personal experience addicts get very defensive when you bring the problem to light. It doesn’t matter if ya porn, booze, or street drugs. 

I feel for you because I have faced this problem in the relationship I’m half way out of now. One thing I’ve learned and it’s taken me a long time to fully accept it, is that people change when THEY want to change. Not for you, or your children, or your pets, or church, or mortgage. He will not stop until he knows he has a problem and he wants to change it to be healthier. 

Also, don’t let yourself get caught up in thinking “if he loved me he would stop.” You will drive yourself crazy with that mentality. It seems like a rational thought, right? It’s a dagger to yourself. 
He’s not in control. 

I’m in no place of my own to give you advice. But honey his addiction is not your fault and you can’t change it. 

Follow the advice of the folks here. Sometimes it’s harsh what they say. But sometimes it needs to be heard. 

I will follow along to see how things go for you. Hang in there. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

LostMama18 said:


> Daisy685 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi. I've been married for two and a half years and in total we have been together for seven years. I am 28 now and my husband is seven years older than I. My issue is this - I'm sure he is addicted to porn. He sneaks away to the basement daily for a shower or to do some work. I've followed down a few times, after he has been down there about half hour or so, and found him beating to porn. That upsets me enough just because I'm constantly throwing myself at him. Always asking for sex, always offering(and most times delivering with nothing in return) oral, I send photos and he has some videos of us on his phone. He sneaks away when our daughter is up and we could be playing as a family. it's annoying. I know many ppl are gonna come at me with "porn is normal, you're a prude, whatever " but this is a lot. So much he was taking erection medication just to get with me. For years. He has photos saved in his phone of other women. Tried to bs me and say his phone just saves photos but I'm not an idiot. I'm not sure what's going on here. He gets irritated and defensive and turns blame to me saying I'm over reacting. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage and he chooses his hand and screen over me 95% of the time. Then when we do have sex it's literally five or six times over two days and then he isn't interested again. So, normal or is this an issue????????
> ...


Thanks so much for your response. It's certainly shocking to find out about his addiction and it makes it so much harder that we have a child and were even talking about another. I'm putting that on the backburner, for my own peace of mind, and dealing with this first. He still doesn't get that it's a problem and even yesterday took a moment to remind me that our insurance covers counselling, if I would ever like to go! I said, or of you do?!?!?! To which I got no response. I know I need to take some uncomfortable steps, and I really appreciate all the feedback - I didn't realize this was such a large and wide spread issue. Certainly makes me feel less isolated.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Daisy685 said:


> I don't care if porn is used occasionally here and there. I don't need it personally, my imagination works great for me! But this is taken to another level with my H



Nothing wrong with a healthy imagination! LOL > 


Well if that's how you feel, maybe you could offer to watch with him sometime. It's possible that he has a kink or fetish that he's interested in, but he feels that you may judge him for. Fear of judgment is a powerful motivator and maybe that fear has pushed him to hide the fetish and inadvertently he let it overtake his life. Maybe (if the fetish isn't too extreme) you could offer to explore it with him and eventually get him to open up again. 

If this does not work, or he refuses to try, then I agree with others that more drastic actions needs to be taken. Just remember that this type of obsession is on him. If you try to reach out (not from a place of judgment) and work with him but he still ignores you, at least you know that you tried. In this case, obviously he is the problem in your relationship, not you. And you may need to take further steps to protect yourself if he continues...

Best of luck to you...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just....hang in there. Pick actions and a direction best for you.....


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## LostMama18 (May 28, 2018)

Daisy685 said:


> Thanks so much for your response. It's certainly shocking to find out about his addiction and it makes it so much harder that we have a child and were even talking about another. I'm putting that on the backburner, for my own peace of mind, and dealing with this first. He still doesn't get that it's a problem and even yesterday took a moment to remind me that our insurance covers counselling, if I would ever like to go! I said, or of you do?!?!?! To which I got no response. I know I need to take some uncomfortable steps, and I really appreciate all the feedback - I didn't realize this was such a large and wide spread issue. Certainly makes me feel less isolated.




I am sorry you’re dealing with this. Porn is so accessible these days and I think that’s the reason that porn addiction is so widespread now. 

I’m like you, I’m not anti porn. But I’m anti porn addict. What I’ve seen is it’s like a drug addiction. He can’t just watch in moderation. Or he can’t just watch a couple times a week. My BF at one point swore he’d never look at it again. During those weeks we had sex every day. Great sex. No going limp sex. 

And when the sex began to fade I looked at his history. He started with once a day then twice and by the end of that week he was already back to hours. I mean losing sleep kind of hours. 

I gave up then. It had already been a problem a few times before. I knew that last time either he got help for himself because he wanted to or he would always be a porn addict. 

At one point I asked him to share. I would watch too I said. We could do it together and spice things up. He was so uncomfortable with it he got angry. The one time we tried to watch together he could not look me in the face. It ended very badly. He wants that part all to himself. 

You’re absolutely not alone. It sucks. It hurts. When it gets to a certain level it feels like betrayal. 

You’re so right to not try for another little one right now. 

What do you think about starting counseling and then having him come in with you after a session or two?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Daisy685 said:


> I don't care if porn is used occasionally here and there. I don't need it personally, my imagination works great for me! But this is taken to another level with my H


So what are we agreeing is the solution or beginning of a solution? Is it possible for him to get help? 
We also need to accept that the majority of marriages stagnate and show signs from around five year peaking at between 7 and 9 years. Most divorces in UK are between 8 and 11 years having had issues from earlier on. 

We should not allow ourselves to become negative statistics, especially when we have children. 
I do not know the solution but I am just asking questions that your husbands needs to provide answers to. What can he do to improve or help improve your family situation? Perhaps you need to ask him to suggest a solution on why his phone and his computer both are keen to save porn images and vids and why his body is not keen to create own porn in your house with you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I wouldn't watch it with him. Don't feed an addiction. This isn't a matter of spicing up a marriage, this is him replacing you with an unhealthy obsession.


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

Edo Edo said:


> Daisy685 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't care if porn is used occasionally here and there. I don't need it personally, my imagination works great for me! But this is taken to another level with my H
> ...


I have offered that and he says no no that's not what he wants. I ask what he likes or of he has a fantasy to play out, he says no. Not sure what else to do


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

LostMama18 said:


> Daisy685 said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks so much for your response. It's certainly shocking to find out about his addiction and it makes it so much harder that we have a child and were even talking about another. I'm putting that on the backburner, for my own peace of mind, and dealing with this first. He still doesn't get that it's a problem and even yesterday took a moment to remind me that our insurance covers counselling, if I would ever like to go! I said, or of you do?!?!?! To which I got no response. I know I need to take some uncomfortable steps, and I really appreciate all the feedback - I didn't realize this was such a large and wide spread issue. Certainly makes me feel less isolated.
> ...


I too have offered to join with him or role play - anything. He is offended or just flat out turns me down . I am grateful to know I'm not alone I just hate that it's happening at all. He doesn't want to do counselling but I'll be taking myself again as I need to just air all this and get some guidance.


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## human7099 (Jun 29, 2018)

Daisy,
I feel your pain.
I have been married 12 years and have been lucky to get sex 2x every 2-3 months for the past 7 years.
I try to hold his hand and he wont reciprocate. I try to pet on him, rub his back, neck or give him butterfly kisses near the ears and neck and none of that gets reciprocated.
For awhile he was trying to tell me that his medications took his sex drive from him, but I started noticing him and his buddy checking out women together and started noticing remnants of his masturbation sessions here and there when I get home from work in the evenings (he is on disability and does not work).
He finally quit feeding me his, my sex drive wasn't there and admitted that the few times we have sex he has to masturbate first cause he is too selfish to hold back if he does not but once he does that, he really doesn't want to be bothered with the sex act cause he has already gotten his.
Another issue I have to deal with is, Porn always HAS to be on if he is willing to give me sex and he always has to wear feminine items.
It has been over 13 years since I have had sex with a man that was naked or not wearing panties and pantyhose (which actually grosses me out and makes me not enjoy sex very much). 
I wish I had advice for you, but all I can do is reassure you, you are not alone.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Daisy685 said:


> I have offered that and he says no no that's not what he wants. I ask what he likes or of he has a fantasy to play out, he says no. Not sure what else to do






Daisy685 said:


> I too have offered to join with him or role play - anything. He is offended or just flat out turns me down . I am grateful to know I'm not alone I just hate that it's happening at all. He doesn't want to do counselling but I'll be taking myself again as I need to just air all this and get some guidance.


None of this will help the situation, because the problem is porn. The problem isn't lack of adventure or that your sex life is boring. The problem is that he is addicted to porn. Look up porn addiction on the internet. It actually affects the brain and makes his own hand preferable to an actual woman. If he keeps doing this, eventually he will lose his ability to have an erection at all.

You cannot make him change, but you can decide you are not going to tolerate it and make other arrangements for your security and happiness. He has become so self-absorbed that he isn't being a good husband to you or a good father to your child. You can do something about your life and your situation, but you cannot control what he does.

If you decide that you are going to divorce him over this, he may wake up and work work to resolve this or he may not, but at least you won't be in this situation anymore. I'm sorry that there isn't a magic potion that any of us can offer, but one thing I do know is that the only thing that will get someone out of addiction (if anything will) is consequences. If he can keep doing this and get away with it, he will. If you say "no more" and show him the door he is more likely to do something than if you try to change him.

Do not engage him in further discussion. He has told you he isn't taking responsibility, so don't try to convince him of anything or defend yourself. Simply let him know that you've had enough of this and are moving on. He can argue all he wants, but he's going to be arguing with himself, because this not working for you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CatholicDad said:


> I think this is an all to common, modern form of adultery that we've debated ad nauseam here on TAM.
> 
> I'd say if he won't give it up and give his body to you alone, you should leave him and attempt to get a divorce/annulment based on infidelity.
> 
> ...


Yes, it was evil *porn *that did it. It reached out from his computer and grabbed him by the neck, tied him up in his chair and put toothpicks in his eyes to keep them pried open, then forced him to watch hour after hour after hour of porn while jacking off. 

Because NONE OF IT was *his choice*, you see. It wasn't his choice from DAY ONE to look at porn, and it wasn't his choice to constantly cater to his genitals like a dog in heat. Got it.

The fool obviously has an addictive personality and isn't *capable* of doing things in moderation. But yes, let's blame this huge character flaw on *porn*. 

Hey, and let's blame those who are addicted to smoking on the tobacco growers and cigarette manufacturers. And let's blame Jim Beam and Cap'n Morgan for all the alcoholics out there. And I personally blame Ceasar's Palace and the Bellagio for all those people who have gambling addictions.

See how stupid that sounds?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think if porn weren't so accessible via the internet hubby may never have gotten addicted. Also, what happened to self control and self respect in men? Everyone is so into their bodily "right to explore their kinks"... Maybe the lid on some perverted stuff should never be opened.

I think without the cultural, worldwide acceptance that "porn is good" men and marriage would be better off. I think if people weren't so accepting that porn is good... That's the first step.

I've been painted to be this religious fanatic that hates sex or something but that's not true at all. I just think overall porn is bad for men and marriage.

For example, my wife has beautiful brown hair. What good does it do if I explore and feed my desire for blondes? The lower part of me would love to do that... I could really enjoy looking at blonde ladies naked or performing various sex acts. But you know what? That would be stupid though as a grown man and father. My wife is super beautiful and I say to myself: she's given me all of herself and shes enough! I'm not going to betray her to entertain a fantasy... Hell no! I don't care if my balls are about to explode because I'm traveling, or just had a baby, etc.

I think all married men should say hell no! This hubby should have said hell no. Our whole culture and men everywhere need to stand up and say hell no.

Instead, this guy has bought what our stupid culture is selling: "its OK to explore my little kinks". Such BS.

So porn is bad... But you're right to say it isnt all about porn. Our men, our culture: sucks! People are way to focused on their little kinky pleasures and have no soul!


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey Daisy - have you ever had a discussion with him about what his specific interests are? Why do you think he uses this and what he's getting out of it? There's never going to be a single answer on the porn/no porn debate - it's up to each individual and marriage to understand and negotiate. Clearly this isn't acceptable to you so it's a problem here. Is the issue really porn though or frequency/attraction to you?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> I think this is an all to common, modern form of adultery that we've debated ad nauseam here on TAM.
> 
> I'd say if he won't give it up and give his body to you alone, you should leave him and attempt to get a divorce/annulment based on infidelity.
> 
> ...


Looking at porn is not adultery - this is completely over the top.

So if one uses his imagination in lieu of porn - is this adultery too? I know you will say - that whoever even looks at another women in lust, has already committed adultery in his heart - but I say to you - this is not what is meant in the verse- what is meant was if one desires to be with someone other than their spouse - and in there heart they decide to pursue - then even if one is unsuccessful, they have committed adultery. Hell - if you interpret the verse the way I am sure you do - then 99% of all men will have committed adultery - including you!! So your wife is justified to divorce you at any time!!!

What I see from you - is a legalistic form of religion - which is NOT Christian. I tell you this - I know you are a sinner - so I guess your wife should just leave you too!!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'll add that hubby won't get better unless he suddenly gets religious OR angry about the porn lie our culture has sold him. 

If he blames his wife that he can't "indulge his bodily right to porn" he will probably just play along while taking his porn in secret.

If he sees his marriage is ending and his child taken away he might wake up to the "porn is good" lie.

So yeah, he needs to get angry about the lie or he will never rise above it.


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Hey Daisy - have you ever had a discussion with him about what his specific interests are? Why do you think he uses this and what he's getting out of it? There's never going to be a single answer on the porn/no porn debate - it's up to each individual and marriage to understand and negotiate. Clearly this isn't acceptable to you so it's a problem here. Is the issue really porn though or frequency/attraction to you?


I've asked. The only reason I've posted on here was to get feedback on what I asked. If it's normal to choose to marry someone and then not want them. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm beautiful and I keep myself well. I'm lost in this because it doesn't make sense. I've tried all I can. Everything. It's embarassing and it's really ****ing with my self esteem. So I took a last ditch effort to see what other average folk such as myself felt about this situation, that I know is all too familiar to lots.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Daisy685 said:


> I've asked. The only reason I've posted on here was to get feedback on what I asked. If it's normal to choose to marry someone and then not want them. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm beautiful and I keep myself well. I'm lost in this because it doesn't make sense. I've tried all I can. Everything. It's embarassing and it's really ****ing with my self esteem. So I took a last ditch effort to see what other average folk such as myself felt about this situation, that I know is all too familiar to lots.


Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders but love or dedication to someone we love can cloud things that are pretty obvious to others, been there and doing that still. 

Now that you have validation that he's being a negligent dip&hit about this, you can move on giving him what the ground rules are going to be for making this right with you and your daughter.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Daisy685 said:


> I've asked. The only reason I've posted on here was to get feedback on what I asked. If it's normal to choose to marry someone and then not want them. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm beautiful and I keep myself well. I'm lost in this because it doesn't make sense. I've tried all I can. Everything. It's embarassing and it's really ****ing with my self esteem. So I took a last ditch effort to see what other average folk such as myself felt about this situation, that I know is all too familiar to lots.


Understand. I think you're doing the right thing and it seems that you're open to understanding or even participating, so that's good. I'd honestly expect him to be very resistant to discuss or include you in on this. That's human nature for men and shame and stigma and fear of judgement, even if it's not anything you are doing to make him feel that way and profess to be open and even support his needs & desires. Some of us aren't great communicators. 

I think figuring out what he gets out of it is key to understanding why he does it so often. What is he looking at when you catch him? Themes? 

Also figuring out what you want from him and why it bothers you so. Is it just more frequent sex (your needs not met) or the jealousy/insecurity that it causes? What's embarrassing?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BigDigg said:


> Understand. I think you're doing the right thing and it seems that you're open to understanding or even participating, so that's good. I'd honestly expect him to be very resistant to discuss or include you in on this. That's human nature for men and shame and stigma and fear of judgement, even if it's not anything you are doing to make him feel that way and profess to be open and even support his needs & desires. Some of us aren't great communicators.
> 
> I think figuring out what he gets out of it is key to understanding why he does it so often. What is he looking at when you catch him? Themes?
> 
> Also figuring out what you want from him and why it bothers you so. Is it just more frequent sex (your needs not met) or the jealousy/insecurity that it causes? What's embarrassing?


The shame and the judgement are one thing, the fear, when you are trying to be private about it or dabbling in it for some of these guys but we are talking about a dude with a full f'n blown issue. He's doing it instead of spending time with this daughter when she is awake for God's sake and he needed medication to get a hard-on to have sex with his wife since he's worn out from doing himself.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Stillfighting - oh yeah, for sure he's got a problem and it's impacting his family. Not debating that at all. She's got to find a way to open that black box somehow though. Only then will she understand the depths and ways to handle. Taking the standard angle of "i don't approve so you'll need to stop" won't likely work here. He's already evasive and frankly amazingly insensitive to her requests and needs.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

CatholicDad- You kind of sound like one of those fellas that see a beautiful lady in a tight dress, find yourself feeling some sinful thoughts
and go home and have your wife in her heels stomp on your nuts. There are men that gets off in this interestingly enough, strippers have stories.

There was actually a case a couple hundred years ago where a priest seen a prostitute in the streets and went home and castrated himself for having unpure thoughts.
---

As for the OP, I think your husband's porn use is abnormal. Once porn interferes with sexy times, its a problem. Some guys just use it when they travel or when their wife won't put out, I don't see that as anything alarming. But if you want the sex and he is turning you down for porn, that is a big red flag.


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Daisy685 said:
> 
> 
> > I've asked. The only reason I've posted on here was to get feedback on what I asked. If it's normal to choose to marry someone and then not want them. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm beautiful and I keep myself well. I'm lost in this because it doesn't make sense. I've tried all I can. Everything. It's embarassing and it's really ****ing with my self esteem. So I took a last ditch effort to see what other average folk such as myself felt about this situation, that I know is all too familiar to lots.
> ...



Great feedback. Thank you. What I want from him, and Ive told him lots, is to be wanted. I lust over him and want him, so what's his reasoning to be ignoring me and my needs and self satisfying all the time??? I would get it if I never wanted him in return, but when I said it's embarassing that's what I'm referencing. Embarassing to me that I try so many things and still can't be his main attention. And as I said in my original post, sexual intimacy is very important and it's lacking over in our house.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Daisy685 said:


> Great feedback. Thank you. What I want from him, and Ive told him lots, is to be wanted. I lust over him and want him, so what's his reasoning to be ignoring me and my needs and self satisfying all the time???


His actions make it pretty clear he doesn't want you very much if at all.



Daisy685 said:


> I would get it if I never wanted him in return, but when I said it's embarassing that's what I'm referencing. Embarassing to me that I try so many things and still can't be his main attention. And as I said in my original post, sexual intimacy is very important and it's lacking over in our house.


Are you going to keep bashing your head against the wall, or will you put an end to this?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> CatholicDad- You kind of sound like one of those fellas that see a beautiful lady in a tight dress, find yourself feeling some sinful thoughts
> and go home and have your wife in her heels stomp on your nuts. There are men that gets off in this interestingly enough, strippers have stories.
> 
> There was actually a case a couple hundred years ago where a priest seen a prostitute in the streets and went home and castrated himself for having unpure thoughts.
> ...


I dared speak against porn so let the personal attacks begin.

Updwnworld, you sound like one of those guys who loves porn and plays with himself on a regular basis.. Why don't you tell us why you love it and cut the personal or religious attacks.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> I think if porn weren't so accessible via the internet hubby may never have gotten addicted. Also, what happened to self control and self respect in men? Everyone is so into their bodily "right to explore their kinks"... Maybe the lid on some perverted stuff should never be opened.
> 
> I think without the cultural, worldwide acceptance that "porn is good" men and marriage would be better off. I think if people weren't so accepting that porn is good... That's the first step.



This is the point that you and the rest of the anti-porn people refuse to understand. This is not about porn. It's about the bad behavior of INDIVIDUALS. If the porn weren't accessible, he'd find something else to obsess over (videogames, booze, fishing, gambling, church functions, drugs, whatever...). Her husband's behavior is the problem, not the avenue in which he chooses to ignore his wife and family.





> I've been painted to be this religious fanatic that hates sex or something but that's not true at all. I just think overall porn is bad for men and marriage.



That's fine, but there are some couples that watch porn together and they're physical relationship is enhanced by this action. Obviously porn use isn't bad for everyone. There are just a few bad eggs out there who misuse it.




> For example, my wife has beautiful brown hair. What good does it do if I explore and feed my desire for blondes? The lower part of me would love to do that... I could really enjoy looking at blonde ladies naked or performing various sex acts. But you know what? That would be stupid though as a grown man and father. My wife is super beautiful and I say to myself: she's given me all of herself and shes enough! I'm not going to betray her to entertain a fantasy... Hell no! I don't care if my balls are about to explode because I'm traveling, or just had a baby, etc.
> 
> I think all married men should say hell no!



See, this is you pushing your morals on everyone else, regardless of their ability to handle it or not.



> This hubby should have said hell no.



Agreed. 




> Our whole culture and men everywhere need to stand up and say hell no.



This is you pushing your morals on everyone else again.




> Instead, this guy has bought what our stupid culture is selling: "its OK to explore my little kinks". Such BS.



What's not ok about exploring kinks?




> So porn is bad...



No. Things aren't bad or good. Porn, guns, booze, drugs, money - They are all just things. It's the people that use those things that determine whether the action is good or bad.




> But you're right to say it isnt all about porn. Our men, our culture: sucks! People are way to focused on their little kinky pleasures and have no soul!



I can promise you that all of us deviants who watch porn do in fact have souls. CD, with all due respect, you paint yourself as a religious fanatic by taking stances and making comments like this. No one does it for you... 

In this case, we both agree that the OP had a valid point and that her husband is not behaving the way he should be. You blame the porn (an inanimate object found on the computer). I blame the person (and the choices he made). Do you see the difference in this? You would remedy the situation by taking porn away from everyone (even though a tiny few have a problem with it). I would remedy the situation by engaging the PERSON that is making the bad choices, not just the choices themselves.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I would find someone else. I loathe cheaters, and your husband is cheating with pornography. He's cheating you out of a lot, so I would cheat too and see how he likes it. I would tell him in advance that if he doesn't get help for his addiction, then I'm going to find someone who would be interested in me and interested in taking care of my needs since he isn't.

I already know all you got was the prospect of leaving or threatening him that you will leave, so I didn't bother to read the replies you received. I also know you won't take my suggestions, but you really should. There has to be a way to get through to him and nobody listens until they realize what they have to lose. He won't want you seeing someone else, so the possibility of it will wake him up. But you do need to have someplace on standby for him to get counseling, a place with proven track record. Other than that, I'll tell you like everyone else and just leave him. His addiction is unnatural and ugly and I wouldn't want him touching me. There are lots of men addicted to porn since it's so readily available now, so that makes it normal, meaning there are a whole lot of sick and depraved men out there.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Aspydad said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > I think this is an all to common, modern form of adultery that we've debated ad nauseam here on TAM.
> ...


I suppose if a man goes to massage parlor and gets relieved sexually , that ain't adultery either since he ain't romantically involved? 

Which is worse, adultery in mind or body? This guy is having his fantasy ladies every day and ignoring his wife and you say, NOT adultery?

In my opinion as a sinner myself, its all adultery.. Persisting in it is worse though than admitting you're wrong and trying to correct it. I fight against porn as someone dirtied by it too... I'm making amends for it, but it sounds like you're still on the highway to ....


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> I suppose if a man goes to massage parlor and gets relieved sexually , that ain't adultery either since he ain't romantically involved?
> 
> Which is worse, adultery in mind or body? This guy is having his fantasy ladies every day and ignoring his wife and you say, NOT adultery?
> 
> In my opinion as a sinner myself, its all adultery.. Persisting in it is worse though than admitting you're wrong and trying to correct it. I fight against porn as someone dirtied by it too... I'm making amends for it, but it sounds like you're still on the highway to ....


Arguing about what is adultery and what is not is a pointless argument to engage in, it's all in the eye of the beholder, you think porn and masturbation is wrong and adultery, and I assume your wife comes from the same place so for you that is your view and boundary in your marriage. Thats your deal and I respect that. Most people including women watch porn on a regular basis, not daily but at least once a week and don't feel it's adultery and wrong so it's a argument no one will ever win, both sides think the other is nuts.

As far as the OP is concerned I think I am with CD here and feel that this is a major problem for this marriage. The second anything, porn, partying, whatever interferes with a relationship it's a problem that needs to be actively dealt with. This guy needs a good kick in the nuts. 
@Daisy685 here's my solution. Kill the internet at home. I know my cable company's app allows me to kick certain devices off the internet. I do it all the time, my son is on xbox and it's bed time, I don't care that your in the middle of a fortnite round, internet kicked it's bed time. (Plus you're taking bandwith away from my porn >) So maybe when it's his time kill the internet unplug the router and take it with you, change the wifi password whatever it takes to interrupt the addiction. Be relentless. Once or twice a week is fine but if you have a wife desiring sex and you're too busy with porn, you have serious issues. 

Maybe you can negotiate something but I suspect your going to have to be very tough.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Personal said:


> His actions make it pretty clear he doesn't want you very much if at all.


I went back and read some of the responses and for pete's sake, don't let anyone tell you crap like this. Pornography addiction has him creating an entirely different world for himself - a world that an actual woman could never live up to. So no, he doesn't want you because he prefers living in his depravity. It's more exciting than an actual woman. I read a whole lot, really a lot, on this board from guys saying they don't like their wife/girlfriend just laying there like a mummy, that they want her to get into it and express her enjoyment. But that's the fantasy and misunderstanding that pornography creates. He sees women in those videos making all kinds of noises and faces because it's what they are paid to do. Obviously, the directors want the men watching to think the guy in the video is socking it to her so good. So the men watching are stupid enough to think it's real, and then they expect the same thing to occur in real life. These are the men who have no idea how to please a woman so that she makes noises and faces from the ecstasy that he gives her, but they can't give their wife any, yet they still want her to make him think he's such a great lover and she's just wild about everything he does just because he's banging her.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not good enough. Don't let anyone make you think you are not worthy or desirable. You certainly are. Your only fault is that you're not in those movies your sick husband likes watching so much. The internet is full of bullies wanting people to feel badly about themselves. Don't listen to that. 

And stop taking your husband's actions so personally. He is addicted, so it would be best for you to speak with a counselor to help you understand the way it all makes you feel. And know you have to do something. You cannot keep living like this and allowing him to cheat you out of your self esteem and everything your marriage is supposed to be.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I went back and read some of the responses and for pete's sake, don't let anyone tell you crap like this. Pornography addiction has him creating an entirely different world for himself - a world that an actual woman could never live up to. So no, he doesn't want you because he prefers living in his depravity. It's more exciting than an actual woman. I read a whole lot, really a lot, on this board from guys saying they don't like their wife/girlfriend just laying there like a mummy, that they want her to get into it and express her enjoyment. But that's the fantasy and misunderstanding that pornography creates. He sees women in those videos making all kinds of noises and faces because it's what they are paid to do. Obviously, the directors want the men watching to think the guy in the video is socking it to her so good. So the men watching are stupid enough to think it's real, and then they expect the same thing to occur in real life. These are the men who have no idea how to please a woman so that she makes noises and faces from the ecstasy that he gives her, but they can't give their wife any, yet they still want her to make him think he's such a great lover and she's just wild about everything he does just because he's banging her.
> 
> Don't let anyone make you feel like you are not good enough. Don't let anyone make you think you are not worthy or desirable. You certainly are. Your only fault is that you're not in those movies your sick husband likes watching so much. The internet is full of bullies wanting people to feel badly about themselves. Don't listen to that.
> 
> And stop taking your husband's actions so personally. He is addicted, so it would be best for you to speak with a counselor to help you understand the way it all makes you feel. And know you have to do something. You cannot keep living like this and allowing him to cheat you out of your self esteem and everything your marriage is supposed to be.


As to your first paragraph, I think you not understanding the posts by men who wives just lay there. They're no saying they want their wives to be screaming and moaning like a porn star. The guys your referring to I think would be happy if their wives would kiss them or touch them instead of laying there with their hands on the bed legs spread staring off into space until it's over. I know a lot of women think men are just big dumb penises but most men fully understand that porn sex is not real sex. But I think saying a wife or girlfriend expressing enjoyment is not reality is a bit out there or you have had some really bad lovers. 

The other two paragraphs I agree with the sentiment.

OK I have to go watch some porn now.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> As to your first paragraph, I think you not understanding the posts by men who wives just lay there. They're no saying they want their wives to be screaming and moaning like a porn star. The guys your referring to I think would be happy if their wives would kiss them or touch them instead of laying there with their hands on the bed legs spread staring off into space until it's over. I know a lot of women think men are just big dumb penises but most men fully understand that porn sex is not real sex. But I think saying a wife or girlfriend expressing enjoyment is not reality is a bit out there or you have had some really bad lovers.
> 
> The other two paragraphs I agree with the sentiment.
> 
> OK I have to go watch some porn now.


First, I said I read a lot of those types of complaints on here, so it wasn't necessary for you to think I needed you to clarify what I read or what I said. 

Secondly, I also stated, and perhaps you missed it while thinking I needed your help to understand what I read, that they are the men who have no idea how to please their wife and just expect her to carry on as if he's Mr. Wonderful in bed. If they knew how to make a woman carry on like that, then she would carry on like that. 

And thirdly because again I guess your head was too clouded so you missed it, I said nothing even remotely similar to a woman expressing enjoyment is not reality. Where do you people get this crap from? Are you so hungry for arguments that you make up stuff and can't understand what you read?


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## Daisy685 (Jun 27, 2018)

Daisy685 said:


> Hi. I've been married for two and a half years and in total we have been together for seven years. I am 28 now and my husband is seven years older than I. My issue is this - I'm sure he is addicted to porn. He sneaks away to the basement daily for a shower or to do some work. I've followed down a few times, after he has been down there about half hour or so, and found him beating to porn. That upsets me enough just because I'm constantly throwing myself at him. Always asking for sex, always offering(and most times delivering with nothing in return) oral, I send photos and he has some videos of us on his phone. He sneaks away when our daughter is up and we could be playing as a family. it's annoying. I know many ppl are gonna come at me with "porn is normal, you're a prude, whatever " but this is a lot. So much he was taking erection medication just to get with me. For years. He has photos saved in his phone of other women. Tried to bs me and say his phone just saves photos but I'm not an idiot. I'm not sure what's going on here. He gets irritated and defensive and turns blame to me saying I'm over reacting. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage and he chooses his hand and screen over me 95% of the time. Then when we do have sex it's literally five or six times over two days and then he isn't interested again. So, normal or is this an issue????????


I really appreciate everyone's feedback and input. I signed up here just in hopes of a. not feeling so alone in this and b. Some ideas for how others dealt with this and general thoughts on the Topic. I've never once said porn is the issue, I said his desire to watch and be with his hand over me is the issue. If he were an Iv drug user, shooting up would be my issue not the drugs. I just wanted to know if I was making a big deal out of calling it an addiction or if I am right in thinking that. 

Thanks again so much for the insight and for the people nit picking at it and digging too deep - don't hurt yourself over my post please. I didn't post intending for people to argue over my situation or the advice given. Remember to always be respectful, as we all have different morals/values/interests/religions. And religion should never have been brought into this.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Secondly, I also stated, and perhaps you missed it while thinking I needed your help to understand what I read, that they are the men who have no idea how to please their wife and just expect her to carry on as if he's Mr. Wonderful in bed. If they knew how to make a woman carry on like that, then she would carry on like that.


Well you quoted my post which was saying that Daisy685's husband is not behaving as a man that wants her. Which I concluded with a statement questioning how long will she tolerate such egregious behaviour.

Her husband should be judged by his actions, at no point did I claim or infer that she was undesirable, in fact I can only go by her claims that she is desirable which I have no reason to doubt. His behaviour is his responsibility, it is not the responsibility of an outside agent. He is in control of himself and he does as he chooses. If he wanted to be with his wife and love her reciprocally, he would do exactly that.

Since he isn't, if I were Daisy685 I might offer him one last chance (although I probably wouldn't). Before I would let him go since I think it is unhealthy to keep trying to maintain a sexual relationship with someone who evidently doesn't care for the other.

Though that may be painful, I would rather end such a situation than continue to maintain what that eats at my own sense of self worth.

As has been stated elsewhere her husband is responsible for his own conduct. This idea that porn made him do it, is a diversion which absolves him of his responsibility for his own behaviour.

That said I don't know why you carried on as quoted below in response to what I wrote, since I have never complained about my very healthy sex life with my wonderful wife who I have happily been with in a high sex relationship for 22 years.

As to what's real, there's plenty of pornography that is acted and embellished, in fact a lot of porn sounds ridiculous in the listening. That said not all pornography is exaggerated or acted, since there are plenty of people like my wife and I who have shared some of our stuff on the internet and we certainly weren't faking it.



StarFires said:


> I read a whole lot, really a lot, on this board from guys saying they don't like their wife/girlfriend just laying there like a mummy, that they want her to get into it and express her enjoyment. But that's the fantasy and misunderstanding that pornography creates. He sees women in those videos making all kinds of noises and faces because it's what they are paid to do. Obviously, the directors want the men watching to think the guy in the video is socking it to her so good. So the men watching are stupid enough to think it's real, and then they expect the same thing to occur in real life. These are the men who have no idea how to please a woman so that she makes noises and faces from the ecstasy that he gives her, but they can't give their wife any, yet they still want her to make him think he's such a great lover and she's just wild about everything he does just because he's banging her.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Daisy685 said:


> Hi. I've been married for two and a half years and in total we have been together for seven years. I am 28 now and my husband is seven years older than I. My issue is this - I'm sure he is addicted to porn. He sneaks away to the basement daily for a shower or to do some work. I've followed down a few times, after he has been down there about half hour or so, and found him beating to porn. That upsets me enough just because I'm constantly throwing myself at him. Always asking for sex, always offering(and most times delivering with nothing in return) oral, I send photos and he has some videos of us on his phone. He sneaks away when our daughter is up and we could be playing as a family. it's annoying. I know many ppl are gonna come at me with "porn is normal, you're a prude, whatever " but this is a lot. So much he was taking erection medication just to get with me. For years. He has photos saved in his phone of other women. Tried to bs me and say his phone just saves photos but I'm not an idiot. I'm not sure what's going on here. He gets irritated and defensive and turns blame to me saying I'm over reacting. Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage and he chooses his hand and screen over me 95% of the time. Then when we do have sex it's literally five or six times over two days and then he isn't interested again. So, normal or is this an issue????????


Nothing in your marriage is normal. And be prepared...he is probably sharing those images on the internet (of you). Move the PC to the main room. Ask him if he is comfortable watching porn in front of you and the family?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> I suppose if a man goes to massage parlor and gets relieved sexually , that ain't adultery either since he ain't romantically involved?
> 
> Which is worse, adultery in mind or body? This guy is having his fantasy ladies every day and ignoring his wife and you say, NOT adultery?
> 
> In my opinion as a sinner myself, its all adultery.. Persisting in it is worse though than admitting you're wrong and trying to correct it. I fight against porn as someone dirtied by it too... I'm making amends for it, but it sounds like you're still on the highway to ....


I see where you are coming from....you were addicted to porn at one time and now it is you mission in life - and on this board - to call everyone else who dares look at porn a sinner and that they are going to hell. 

First of all - there is only one who is the judge - and He is named Jesus. So get off your high horse!!! What you declare matters none.

Secondly, I made the statement that what you declare is that all who either imagine or actually visualize through porn would have committed adults in your eyes - so 99% of the guys out there have given their wives justification for divorce - so do you not see what a crock it is you are preaching?

Third - I never said it was OK for the OP's husband to masturbate to porn so that his desire for her is Not There - what has happened here - as everyone else is saying and the OP understands - is that her husband is Not meeting her needs - and that is the issue here. In my younger days I was addicted to porn - watched it on cable - so what I did was have my wife set the password and keep it from me - problem solved - it saved allot of money too - which actually was my main concern actually as I never let porn get in the way of satisfying my wife.

If the OPs husband cannot kick the habit by himself, then the OP needs to help - that is my opinion. It takes communication - just like most issues in marriage.


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

Daisy685 said:


> I have offered that and he says no no that's not what he wants. I ask what he likes or of he has a fantasy to play out, he says no. Not sure what else to do





Daisy685 said:


> Sexual intimacy is so important in a marriage and he chooses his hand and screen over me 95% of the time. Then when we do have sex it's literally five or six times over two days and then he isn't interested again. So, normal or is this an issue????????


Do you care to share how the sex is when you do have it? Is he a good (or great) lover, or are there things about his sexual performances that might have him feeling mediocre or inadequate? Any issues of E.D. or premature ejaculation or possibly feelings of having an inadequate penis size? I ask because one thing guys like about masturbating to porn is that it's, well, easy. No work. No pressures. No feeling the need to perform. No dealing with feelings of disappointment or inadequacy. Maybe he feels like he isn't a pleasing lover, so he retreats to a porn fantasy of imagining himself in that role through the power of the male porn star. 

Do you know the type of porn he is consuming mostly? Guys go after different things with porn, but I'm curious is there may be a specific genre that he is locked into. Maybe there are elements he feels you could never provide?

If he is preferring masturbating to porn instead of having sex with an attractive, willing partner, there is something seriously wrong here. It sounds like you've offered every damn thing most of the men here would love to hear from their wives. If it's not a legit porn addiction that needs addressed with the help of a professional, then whatever is causing this retreat needs uncovered and addressed. The fact is that it is getting in the way of your marriage and your family. Not that much different than a drug or alcohol problem. I don't know how he could choose jacking off to porn over the real thing, but it sounds like his mind is made up. If he hasn't reasoned with you thus far, it sounds like it may be time for you to raise the stakes. Sounds like you have offered to explore is porn fantasies with him--what the heck more can you do if he is saying no to that??? If he wants porn instead of his wife and family time, he needs to leave the house. A legal temporary separation may be in order, depending on his porn addiction recovery.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

All good questions Paul B. If she really wants to repair this marriage then understanding the 'what' and 'why' on this is critical. Lost in some of the moralizing here is the fact that her husband likely has a very real addiction. Like any addict he's not going to behave in a rational way and will fail to see the impact of his actions to others. I'd stop way short of selling her on sympathy for him but any aggressive challenge here on her part is likely to cause him to go defensive and underground and make the situation worse. Saving the marriage will come through patience and understanding, not ultimatums.

Daisy - lot's of details and dynamics on your husband and marriage would be needed to understand I'd think to really give any effective advice. Maybe take him up on his offer and seek counseling (alone to start if needed). If nothing else you might find it helpful to offload your own thoughts with someone. I also feel the internet might have better resources for dealing with porn addiction than this forum where most (including me) have very little experience. Absolutely feel for you and just know you're right for feeling the way you do and deserve better from your husband. You didn't do anything to cause it. As hard as it is try not to take it personally.


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