# married but not married.



## solo88 (Jul 13, 2009)

I have been with my husband for 23 years and married 17.
No sex for 11 years now.
No conversation whatsoever.
Feeling very lonely.
Total mess.
2 kids.
I want to move on but I am paralized.Virtually no friends and no family around.
Could somebody talk to me ?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sure! I DO like your style of "reporting" your situation.

Why no sex for 11 years?
Why no communication?
What has you paralyzed?

No need to be lonely here, lots of people with marital issues who have insights...lots of experience.


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## solo88 (Jul 13, 2009)

Thank you Sandy for your reply. As usual I have spent the whole week-end not talking to anybody. It is killing me.
My husband is just "weird". He does not want to be happy. All he cares about is money and kids. Nothing else.
Sex stopped after the birth of the second child. I had always always stated that I never wanted more than one. I got pregnant very very quickly again and had the second child less than a year.
He never listened.
We used to argue a lot. Not anymore now. Typical of "not in front of the children".
So we just totally ignore each other. We have seperate bedrooms too.
I want to move on but he has taken all the confidence in myself. I have anxiety disorder now after all the criticism, put downs.
I used to be so much in love with him but I think he just married me for "convenience". He has lots of psychological issues and refuses to address.
I have had enough. I left him before we got married. He begged me to come back and he would change. NoT ! We went into counselling etc. Nothing worked.
Now am married and in jail. Physically and emotionally.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

You are not in jail.

The door is not locked.

You just cant find the handle yet.

Start working on you and what you feel that you need. Make a list. It seems silly but when you can sit down and actually *look* at what plagues you, it can make it easier.

You are afraid, its a big scary world out there.

true, for awhile.

Then you will start to do the things you want to do again. Your confidence will rebound and the change that will come over you will surprise you.

See a councellor, join a support group. Join some clubs in something that really interests you and you will make friends. Learn to enjoy what is good in the world again.

I understand the anxiety as I struggle with it too. It makes you feel useless, but there are things you can do. See your Doctor. He/She can help. Mild doses of anti-depressants worked amazing for me, and good councellor can help put things in perspective.

It will only get worse if you leave it as your mind slowly consumes itself.

If he doesnt want to work on things. Give him an ultimatum. If he wont play, make a plan to leave. There is help out there and you wont be all alone. Dont tell him you are going to leave unless you mean it though. That will only make it worse.

Sometimes a good dose of reality is all a spoues needs to snap them back. I dont know how deep your troubles run with him so I dont want to give you false hope.

Take care, and dont be afraid to ask questions. Everyone is here to help.


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## solo88 (Jul 13, 2009)

My husband comes from a very strong catholic family. Although very good looking he was, he was a virgin when I met him. He was 30 at the time and I was his first and I believe to this day and only.
He just seems asexual.
We are not compatible at all anymore. I doubt we ever were actually.
He has always refused to talk about anything remotely personal. In the beginning yes but a few months ? He admitted that he did not want to be happy because he was afraid of being disappointed.
I am the total opposite. Or was.
We do not say ONE word to each other and we avoid each other like the plague as well.
I cannot confront anymore......I am tired.....
I would have gone a long time ago if it were not for him destroying my personality and putting me down all the time.


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## solo88 (Jul 13, 2009)

Thank you so much. My doctor is aware of it. I told her that he used to beat me too. But not anymore.
She is concerned about the amount of tranquilisers I need though. I have tried numerous paths : psychologists, counsellors etc...everything failed.
Am feeling so stupid for marrying somebody who in hindsight just saw me as "convenient" and never reciprocated any love, support. But I was young and totally head over heels in love. 
My gut feelings were telling me otherwise but I ignored them. I thought it would change..yes..it did : for the worse.


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## solo88 (Jul 13, 2009)

I never ever wanted a second child. I sensed that he would become like a 70 year old and we have no life.
I told him that. I told him even before the birth of our first one : I am here !!!. He has always refused to get any babysitters or anybody.
I had post partum depression after discovering I was pregnant again. He ignored it totally. I considered abortion but denied it.
I had very strong premonitions that the second child would not be OK but he would never ever ever ever listen.
The second child is not retarded but "slow" with problems. it is very very stressful.
the first one is 100 per cent OK. and a great kid.
but being ignored, am distancing myself from everybody...I just want to heal myself.
I know I am damaging my kids too.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Im so sorry. You need to make an exit plan NOW!

Actually, you did along time ago, but I understand.

That is completely unacceptable. Remember, you didnt sign up for this. No one in their right mind would. Dont feel bad, dont feel guilty.

Dont look back.

You need to start looking forward. His thinking is seriously damaged if he is afraid to be happy. My guess would be some pretty interesting stuff happened in his childhood.

You dont need that. things are going to start to be about you from now on.

You are a person, you deserve a life, and a happy one at that. How old are your children? Do you relate to them well? How is their relationship with him?

There is a ton of literature and info on the internet for abused women. Make use of it. Not everything hsa to be done overnight. Start taking steps, but dont hold back.


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