# Total Lack of Affection: I'll Take any Suggestions



## Summergirl (Aug 17, 2011)

I am 36 and my husband is 47. We have 2 young children. We've been together 12 years, married for 10. In the beginning of our relationship my husband was attentive and affectionate. He told me wonderful things, kissed me, hugged me, and showered me with love. As a side note, he couldn't get enough of me sexually. As with most relationships, especially the introduction of children, things have changed. However, since the birth of my son (almost 2 years ago) things have gotten so much worse. He is very unaffectionate, as well as emotionally distant, and sex is pretty much non-existant (would be totally non-existant if I did not initiate). When we do have sex it is as though he is just going through the motions. I feel very little desire there and when I kiss him he is barely, if at all, kissing me back. (which he denies). The sex thing is definitely tough. #1 My self esteem is in the toilet. Its like the roles are reversed and I'm the man pursuing the frigid, uninterested stereotypic woman, which is positively humiliating. We've had many fights about this which never get anywhere. He paints me as an immature teenager, who sees sex as love, and who is unhappy if "we're not making out and humping every minute". Of course, a staggering exaggeration, as we are never making out (except for a routine, scripted peck after work and before bed) and sex once every two months when I finally initiate. (I used to more often but got tired of the rejection). Its not just sex, though. I so crave being hugged, touched, kissed...nice words. Every time we have this conversation it turns into a hideous argument, ending with him saying he'll try to be better. Things are usually marginally better but only for a short time. He blames all of this on having a stressful job and being tired due to working long hours (both true and completely valid). I think we have different love languages (mine physical and words of affirmation, his acts of service). I've tried to meet his needs by doing things that make him feel loved (take the garbage out, mow the grass, ect; which he really seems to appreciate but this doesnt really change how he responds to me). I try to give him what I actually want but he neither recognizes my need nor responds positively. (if i kiss him, he looks away and it is like kissing a statue or if i try to initiate sex I am pushed away like an annoying pest). I am so hurt, and feel so lonely and rejected. It may be hard to believe, but outside of what I've written, we actually get along quite well. He is an amazing father and has so many wonderful qualities as a mate. I try to focus on those things and be grateful for the life we have. But no matter what I do, I can't help feeling this way. I am a young, attractive (IMO!) woman--I am very much in love and very attracted to my husband. I miss the love and passion between us. He has basically told me "Hey, I'm not 34 anymore. He have a mortgage, we have two small kids--this is life. Get over it. Grow up." I know things are radically different than our dating days for God's sake but I don't want to live the rest of my life with a "roommate". All the hugs, kisses and affection come from my kids and its wonderful but doesnt sustain me. I've given this to God and stand firm that he will send a miracle and remove this "mountain" from my life but its been a long road and honestly its become unbearable not having anyone to talk to. I've told no one (friends or family) as its very private, I don't want them knowing my business nor thinking ill of my husband. I most definitely do not want to end my marriage and destroy the beautiful family and wonderful life i've been given but i truly cannot help the way i feel. My husband does not understand why his hard work and commitment to this family isn't enough to show that he loves me. I'm 99%sure that he isn't having an affair. If you asked him where this lack of interest and desire is coming from he probably couldn't even tell you. This problem is always there, although its certainly not something we discuss every day. Its something we fight about roughly every 2-3 months when it becomes unbearable to me again and I have to bring it up otherwise I'll implode. Do we need marriage counseling? Sex therapy? Or just a miracle...? I love my husband so very much--I just want to feel it back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some thoughts... At 47, your husband's sex drive could be on a decline. And at 36, your's is possibly on a rise. Not a good combination, but quite common. Even with spouses of the same age. Has he been in for a physical, to make sure it's nothing medically wrong? When you are intimate, there's no ED or other issues?

Second, it sounds like you've done some work in figuring out what your love languages are. Have you shared that with him? Does he understand the differences between you two?

Third, long hours and a stressful job are not valid reasons for ignoring your spouse.

Fourth, what makes you so certain that he's not having an affair? I'm not saying he is, but what makes you so sure? I'd guess the infidelity forum is full of people that were sure.

Finally, I'd sure say that marriage counseling is in order. If you're religious, you could start with your church. See if they've got some marriage enrichment sessions. Maybe don't even make it about the "sex", but about the intimacy. The hugging, touching, kissing that you miss. If you get that back, maybe the sex will come back on it's own. I'd bet that's the case.

C


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

He may be suffering from a physical disorder: the natural decline of Testosterone levels in an aging male. Before anything else I'd have this level tested...it may be the beginning and end of your issues.

Emotionally, I think before you do marriage counseling you can try a couple things for a month. First, try playful affection (you giving) but with no strings attached. In other words, you're not looking for him to reciprocate in any way. Just walk by and occassionally say "i love you" in his ear and keep walking; don't wait for a response. Or, walk by in the kitchen and give him a quick squeeze in the buttock (and maybe a wink), but then just keep on walking. At night, come up behind him and rub his shoulders for a few seconds while saying nothing, then just go sit down wherever you'd sit without looking for anything in return. These "unpressured" gestures might get him back on track, and put that twinkle back in his eye. If during this period your sexual tension becomes too great then I'd recommend masturbating to relieve it. Whatever you do, don't put pressure on him to have sex. This unconditional love can and has worked for people in the past to draw their partners back in.

If this doesn't work after a month or so, then I'd recommend marriage counseling.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I would get him to the doctor first to rule out anything physical. If he balks at doing that, I think that says a lot about his frame of mind. If something is a problem for one spouse in a marriage, it needs to become important to the other spouse as well.

Try and start eliminating whether he has any of the common possibilities of loss of libido in men: Loss of Libido in Men

And there are two other common causes for lack of affection that you should look into: an affair (as was previously mentioned) and potential self-satisfaction (whether masturbating to erotica like porn or not) resulting in less physical attention to you because he is already fulfilled.

Best wishes.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm close to his age (alas, 46 in a couple of weeks) and I'll suggest that he probably doesn't even realize how far downhill his body has gone in just the last few years. You didn't mention if he works out with weights, but there are additional supporting factors of the testosterone decline mentioned above. The sense of well being from strong muscles is pretty critical to a guy's sex drive. More muscle mass in the larger muscle groups directly impacts testosterone levels, too.

I think you are in one of the cruelest situations of a couple who love each other. It is likely that he has fear of sexual dysfunction issues along with the low energy. The support he needs goes against the nature of the shame you feel.

If you can get him to address muscle health, then perhaps stepping back to let him lead might help him to feel confident. Typically, the sex drive comes back with a muscle gaining program. Then, being supportive, letting him know that you will work with this with him will be the next step.

Stress is also another sex drive killer for a man. He mentioned stress of haing a mortgage and family. He has to learn to let this go.


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## Summergirl (Aug 17, 2011)

Thanks for your input! I agree with a lot of what you said. I think stress plays a huge part in this. He is the sole provider as I am home with our children. He works very long hours and deals with a lot of repugnant people. I didn't mention, he also has two teen-aged girls; one of which is moving into college tomorrow (he took off work to move her in; his ex-wife is not nearly as involved). Our life is certainly one hundred times more complicated than when we first met. I've been supportive for so long but its difficult. I'm not about to destroy the life we've built together over sex but the need to feel wanted and desired by a man; obviously by my husband, is overwhelming.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

At 47 low testosterone or ed could easily be the culprit. If you wish to try something before suggesting the doctor, try this.
Get a babysitter for the night. Shortly before he arrives home from work put a pumpkin pie in the oven, let him take his shower or whatever is his rutine when he gets home. While he does this light a lavender sented candle or 2. If you guys eat dinner together then do this. Let him relax for a few. Then go in the other room for a moment and put on some lingerie, perferably something he has never seen before. Put on some music you can do a dance to, come over to him and begin to do a bit of a stripper dance for him. From that point, use your imagation. 
The lavender candles and pumpkin pie are the keys to this (btw don't forget to take the pie out of the oven before you get changed a burn smell will most likley kill the mood). By themselves the smells do nothing but when combined, they are a powerful aphrodisiac for a man and usually works well.
I suggest doing what piqued suggests for a couple of days first and then lay this on him.
Good luck and happy hunting.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Halien said:


> I'm close to his age (alas, 46 in a couple of weeks) and I'll suggest that he probably doesn't even realize how far downhill his body has gone in just the last few years. You didn't mention if he works out with weights, but there are additional supporting factors of the testosterone decline mentioned above. The sense of well being from strong muscles is pretty critical to a guy's sex drive. More muscle mass in the larger muscle groups directly impacts testosterone levels, too.
> 
> I think you are in one of the cruelest situations of a couple who love each other. It is likely that he has fear of sexual dysfunction issues along with the low energy. The support he needs goes against the nature of the shame you feel.
> 
> ...


I did not know that. Interesting.


OP you are not being unreasonable. I think you need to decide if you can live your life like this and make some tough choices.

You should let him know that what is going on is killing your marriage and he needs to help overcome this problem ASAP.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A failure to touch or hug or caress has nothing at all to do with biology.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> A failure to touch or hug or caress has nothing at all to do with biology.


You're thinking linear. This is psychological, most likely.

Guys with ED fear issues are often afraid of touching, hugging, etc, because men equate these as initiators for sex. My brother really struggled with ED issues related to some medical problems, and it was very eye-opening. His wife couldn't understand the linkage - she just needed hugs, if not more. For a few weeks, after my doc gave me the prognosis for a genetic metabolic disease that I have, I also really struggled with the same fear. It was the first time in my life that I was ever depressed, so I was lost.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I did not know that. Interesting.
> 
> 
> OP you are not being unreasonable. I think you need to decide if you can live your life like this and make some tough choices.
> ...


Syrum, your comment made me realize that I might have given the wrong impression when describing the benefits of resisting sarcopenia - muscle loss that comes with aging.. There was a recent study that created quite a buzz at the local gym where my wife goes (I go there with her from time to time, but have my own gym). When guys who are older begin to lift weights, many feel an incredible sense of well-being that some describe as feeling younger, almost euphoric. This comes after the initial pain phase. A large percentage of them ramped up their sex drive significantly. Sarcopenia, or the gradual muscle loss with aging, is more pronounced than people once thought, allowing men to begin accepting the new norm of lower energy. My wife and I recently watched a show with a seventy year old man who transformed his life through fitness, and claims to be able to give thirty year olds a run for their money when it comes to sex. Anectodal, I'm sure, but the OPs husband won't know without trying.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Halien said:


> Syrum, your comment made me realize that I might have given the wrong impression when describing the benefits of resisting sarcopenia - muscle loss that comes with aging.. There was a recent study that created quite a buzz at the local gym where my wife goes (I go there with her from time to time, but have my own gym). When guys who are older begin to lift weights, many feel an incredible sense of well-being that some describe as feeling younger, almost euphoric. This comes after the initial pain phase. A large percentage of them ramped up their sex drive significantly. Sarcopenia, or the gradual muscle loss with aging, is more pronounced than people once thought, allowing men to begin accepting the new norm of lower energy. My wife and I recently watched a show with a seventy year old man who transformed his life through fitness, and claims to be able to give thirty year olds a run for their money when it comes to sex. Anectodal, I'm sure, but the OPs husband won't know without trying.


Having transformed myself, I agree with what you stated. I'm 55 yrs old. Over the last 2 1/2 yrs I've transformed from an overweight guy with type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol and low T. During that time, I've lost 40 lbs, gained strength, lost many inches in the waist, gotten my T levels up to the proper level, gotten cholesterol down to proper levels and have my diabetes under control. I work out with weights 3 days a week. Not many 55 year olds can bench their weight or more. My sex drive is high. Unfortunately, I'm dealing with a low drive wife. Therein lies the conflict. I want it and she doesn't. Bottom line, I fixed myself mentally and physically. Many people think I look 10 or more years younger than I am and get compliments on how well I've done (not from my wife).


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## blondie5 (Jul 29, 2011)

Halien said:


> I'm close to his age (alas, 46 in a couple of weeks) and I'll suggest that he probably doesn't even realize how far downhill his body has gone in just the last few years. You didn't mention if he works out with weights, but there are additional supporting factors of the testosterone decline mentioned above. The sense of well being from strong muscles is pretty critical to a guy's sex drive. More muscle mass in the larger muscle groups directly impacts testosterone levels, too.
> 
> I think you are in one of the cruelest situations of a couple who love each other. It is likely that he has fear of sexual dysfunction issues along with the low energy. The support he needs goes against the nature of the shame you feel.
> 
> ...


Just wondering if anyone can respond to my question....? I have heard conflicting things about how stress plays a role in a man's sex drive. I have heard that men under stress, quite often will want to masturbate. Then I have ALSO heard that stress decreases thier desire for sex, orgasm etc.... Which is it? :scratchhead:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Both, depends on individuals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What is stress? A friend of mine is a Navy doctor. He mentioned that in Afghanistan he treated a Marine for a ''sprained" penis he got when he got a raging hard-on in the middle of a fire fight and fell on it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

blondie5 said:


> Just wondering if anyone can respond to my question....? I have heard conflicting things about how stress plays a role in a man's sex drive. I have heard that men under stress, quite often will want to masturbate. Then I have ALSO heard that stress decreases thier desire for sex, orgasm etc.... Which is it? :scratchhead:


There are different kinds of stress. There is the stress that comes from stifling the desire to thump on somebody. That raises testosterone. Then there is the stress of being overwhelmed and feeling helpless. That type of stress will kill drive.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

blondie5 said:


> Just wondering if anyone can respond to my question....? I have heard conflicting things about how stress plays a role in a man's sex drive. I have heard that men under stress, quite often will want to masturbate. Then I have ALSO heard that stress decreases thier desire for sex, orgasm etc.... Which is it? :scratchhead:


You have to understand that in male psychology, sex is divided into masturbation and sex-with-other-people, psychologically speaking. Most men turn to masturbation under stress when they need a quick serotonin boost and "brain reset". Why? Because it's pleasurable, it's quick, and it's easy.

Sex with a woman? That's COMPLICATED: complicated by emotional issues on both sides, the intimacy levels being felt, the constant negotiation with her constantly-changing feelings, the performance anxiety and the expectations, the potential for rejection and judgement, and the large number of strings attached to any actual sex. After a guy whacks off, he can go about his day with a little more spring to his step and a little less gloom, and get some stuff done after he de-stressed. After having sex with a woman, there's the whole post-sex ritual, some elements of which can last for days. There's a reason why guys on craigs list jump all over a woman advertising "NSA".

It's just easier, less demanding and less challenging to whack off. You want to get some affection? Consider giving him a happy ending a couple of nights a week with no other expectations, and tell him it's purely for "stress relief". If he's not even into that, then yeah, you have some problems.


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## Youknowwho (Sep 1, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> You have to understand that in male psychology, sex is divided into masturbation and sex-with-other-people, psychologically speaking. Most men turn to masturbation under stress when they need a quick serotonin boost and "brain reset". Why? Because it's pleasurable, it's quick, and it's easy.
> 
> Sex with a woman? That's COMPLICATED: complicated by emotional issues on both sides, the intimacy levels being felt, the constant negotiation with her constantly-changing feelings, the performance anxiety and the expectations, the potential for rejection and judgement, and the large number of strings attached to any actual sex. After a guy whacks off, he can go about his day with a little more spring to his step and a little less gloom, and get some stuff done after he de-stressed. After having sex with a woman, there's the whole post-sex ritual, some elements of which can last for days. There's a reason why guys on craigs list jump all over a woman advertising "NSA".
> 
> It's just easier, less demanding and less challenging to whack off. You want to get some affection? Consider giving him a happy ending a couple of nights a week with no other expectations, and tell him it's purely for "stress relief". If he's not even into that, then yeah, you have some problems.



My name is Youknowwho and I approved this message!!


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

Age may be it, but I am 52 and still crave it, unfortunately my 45 yo wife doesnt, my problem. Stress can induce these things or a failure to launch for him, if he cant get or maintain a erection, avoiding sex is a easy fix, a dr is in order


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