# The Blahs



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

What do you do when your marriage hits the "blahs" as I call them?

We cycle in and out of them periodically. We are in one at the moment. It just seems like we can't be in the same room without getting on each other's nerves. He is very short with me and curt when he speaks. He takes forever to return my calls or texts where normally he is very prompt. He purposely seems to be in a different room all of the time. I'm sure I'm no angel either. I get angry at the negative attitude for no apparent reason and will get into 5 minute spats with him here and there when I boil over. Especially when he is being rude to the kids and taking his bad attitude out on them. 

Then I just try to lay low and wait for it to pass. It always seems to after awhile. This will last a few weeks I am sure. It always does. During these periods I really find myself not wanting to spend time with him and will usually keep myself busy with other things. We still have to run a household together though and that means we have to talk to each other some of the time. Right now we are in the middle of some logistics with school ending and making plans for the summer, and this atmosphere is certainly not helping. 

How does everyone else handle this? In the past I used to try to figure it out and fix it but it always seemed to just add fuel to the fire. So I stopped and now just wait.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

kag123 said:


> How does everyone else handle this? In the past I used to try to figure it out and fix it but it always seemed to just add fuel to the fire. So I stopped and now just wait.


Let me make a few assumptions... He is being passive aggressive and wants to be distant from you for a while. The idea that you could fix it would likely add fuel to the fire only because he is enjoying being distant from you and wants to see you try to fix it as a way to hurt you.

What caused him to feel this way? Who knows, perhaps you allowed a door to slam in front of him while his hands were full carrying your things. 

Because "sexual desire needs distance" you can use this to your advantage so that he is only setting himself up for failure by using emotional distance as his form of passive aggressive anger towards you to work against him. Use the distance as a way to tease him! Dress sexy and tell him he can't have it! Be like a dominant mistress and flash you boobs at him to show him what he can not have! Be extraordinary confident as if you seem to be enjoying the fact that he is being emotionally distant, because you will make him beg and tell you how wonderful you are before he will get anything.

Hope that helps!

Badsanta


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You seem to be a nice person, kag. I agree with Badsanta that your husband is passive-aggressive. I don't know how you can stand that. And I hope you call him out on his behavior with the kids, right in front of him and them.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

jld said:


> You seem to be a nice person, kag. I agree with Badsanta that your husband is passive-aggressive. I don't know how you can stand that. And I hope you call him out on his behavior with the kids, right in front of him and them.


When he is rude to the kids, I pull him aside and tell him that was not OK and to leave right now (the room, not the house). He will sulk off somewhere. Then we just keep our distance from him. 

When he is being PA to me, I just ignore him and stay away from him until he gets over it. When I call him out on it or try to have any discussion to fix things, he plays dumb and just says "I'm not (being that way)" and "I have no idea what you are talking about". That infuriates me and I lose my temper quickly. Not productive. So I just don't talk to him at all except for pure business that needs to be taken care of. Yes it is tiresome. I don't have the energy to deal with it to be honest. We are way too busy and mind games royally p!ss me off.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

kag123 said:


> When he is rude to the kids, I pull him aside and tell him that was not OK and to leave right now (the room, not the house). He will sulk off somewhere. Then we just keep our distance from him.
> 
> When he is being PA to me, I just ignore him and stay away from him until he gets over it. When I call him out on it or try to have any discussion to fix things, he plays dumb and just says "I'm not (being that way)" and "I have no idea what you are talking about". That infuriates me and I lose my temper quickly. Not productive. So I just don't talk to him at all except for pure business that needs to be taken care of. Yes it is tiresome. I don't have the energy to deal with it to be honest. We are way too busy and mind games royally p!ss me off.


The kids understand he is behaving badly, correct? I hope they don't blame themselves.

I have no respect for lying and avoiding, either. I don't know how you put up with it. Does it not affect your respect for him? Or do you not need to respect him to feel attracted to him?

How is your job going, btw?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> When he is rude to the kids, I pull him aside and tell him that was not OK and to leave right now (the room, not the house). He will sulk off somewhere. Then we just keep our distance from him.
> 
> When he is being PA to me, I just ignore him and stay away from him until he gets over it. When I call him out on it or try to have any discussion to fix things, he plays dumb and just says "I'm not (being that way)" and "I have no idea what you are talking about". That infuriates me and I lose my temper quickly. Not productive. So I just don't talk to him at all except for pure business that needs to be taken care of. Yes it is tiresome. I don't have the energy to deal with it to be honest. We are way too busy and mind games royally p!ss me off.



Here is a good article specifically dealing with passive aggressive men..... The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger 

The ending paragraph says :


> Take responsibility for your peace of mind. Get your own life.
> 
> If you are expending much time and energy in relationship damage repair then you need to face some hard questions. Honestly ask yourself:
> 
> ...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kag123 said:


> How does everyone else handle this? In the past I used to try to figure it out and fix it but it always seemed to just add fuel to the fire. So I stopped and now just wait.


There's some wise words posted here so far.

Instead I'll answer your question. We have been quick to spark recently. And we just say it straight... let it out. Sometimes it gets heated. Our intention is not to hurt one another, it's not to fix anything either. We say what we need to say. We listen too. We're not enlightened enough to necessarily hear the other in that moment, sometimes it can take a couple of days to sink in. We are quick to come back together after the sparks have flown. We both know that we're feeling stressed at the moment. There's a mutual understanding with that. Supporting one another, yet driving one another crazy in moments. Eh, it's part of the deal.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My H was in a mood a few weeks ago. He was home on vacation but his mum is sick so between running to the hospital and everyone expecting so much from him, he was just in a bad mood. He was tired and feeling run down. But instead of asking for help and explaining he needs some time to think and regroup, he became moody and grumpy.

As soon, as I noticed his behavior, I just backed off and give him space. I let him know he is on his own, he can do whatever he wants, when he wants. I notified the kids that dad was feeling a bit down and they understood. We all stayed clear of him. Giving him some peace and quite. He spent about four days like this and then when I had enough of his crap, I went in for the kill. 

I "invited" him for a family talk. I told him I had enough of his brooding. I had given him time and space, he needs to get over it. It's affecting our family life and I am getting pissed. His continued negativity was just breeding more negativity and bringing him down. We all took turn reminding him who he was to us and how much we love and value him.
He was not resting, he was just making himself more tired and agitated. 
We reminded him we are there to help and assist him. We want him to be happy again. 

I think he understood and he started hanging out with us after that. Thank God. The man was a pain.

Just give him some space and try not to get too angry with his P/A attitude. Let him stew in his own moodiness for a bit.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Thanks guys. 

My purpose in posting was to find out how common this is in other marriages and how often it happens. 

He isn't like this all the time thank goodness. I couldn't tolerate it if he was. It just comes and goes. 

I am quite sure that I most likely did (or am still actively doing) something that made him upset and that is why he is acts like this. I used to try to find out what the issue was. Now I just ignore him until he decides to tell me what the problem is. He usually doesn't and just gets over whatever it is in time. 

My problem is that I am naturally more detached anyway. So it is easy for me to just go about my business and stay busy with other things and ignore him. As time goes on like that, I find it easy to disconnect and then when he returns to normal I find it hard to reconnect again. It's easy for me to just get used to not dealing with him and then I have to sort of reintroduce myself to partnered life again. This can happen in a matter of days, honestly. It's just how I am.

I think that makes me a bit strange. Probably doesn't help the dynamic. 

I also get angry and I am impatient. Obvious game playing is something I can't tolerate and I try to teach the kids to say exactly what they mean. I will give him space and then get fed up with it if it goes on too long and blow up at him.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We get like that very occasionally, it's been a few years. We both have PA tendencies, and play right in to them, when we're off. We know what's going and even talk about it but that doesn't necessarily stop/fix it. What does seem to work is "letting go of the little things". I wish I could tell you how to do that but. Last time we "blah" my wife unilaterally did that, I responded in a matter of days (was pretty cool I could see it happening in slow mo).


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

kag123 said:


> My purpose in posting was to find out how common this is in other marriages and how often it happens.


It's very common. Sure, the specifics will be different. But it's the same thing every time. Married a few years. Bad habits you thought you could tolerate when you were in love get annoying. Then horribly annoying. Then maybe even scary. 

Then one day his porn use/drug use/temper/lack of affection/meanness just gets to be too much then you kind of detach mentally. Like you have been for a while. Browsing through just the titles on the 4 pages of thread starters for you. Four years? More?

I see it all the time on these boards. It's what brought me here about 7 years ago. 




kag123 said:


> He isn't like this all the time thank goodness. I couldn't tolerate it if he was. It just comes and goes.


You don't say...


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I think I've always been detached though. It's just my nature. Maybe that's why we work together.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I think I've always been detached though. It's just my nature. Maybe that's why we work together.


Is it really "working," though?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> My purpose in posting was to find out how common this is in other marriages and how often it happens.
> 
> ...



From this post.. It sounds you are describing yourself as an impatient Straight shooter that is comfortable ignoring your husband, "detaching" is easy for you...

Wondering where your love languages are off ?.. is he someone who craves more involvement /closeness / affection ... but he well knows you are who are you.. so he is frustrated too.. knowing nothing is going to change anyway? 

Grasping at straws here...Maybe his trying to ignore you is to cause you some grief since you do it naturally to him..  

I would be very annoyed with someone who found it easy to detach from me.. just putting myself in his shoes for a minute.. what do you feel he wants from you... that could UP his happiness ...lesson his frustration ??

You can answer the same question, of course.. what you need most from him?

It has to start with one of you setting the precedent to change the dynamic you've got caught up in .. starting with more effective communication skills to uproot the real issues .. sometimes being harsh can shut the other down..

It's good to use some "tact" -trying to encourage the other in a healthy way to come towards us.. not to win every argument.. 



> I am quite sure that I most likely did (or am still actively doing) something that made him upset and that is why he is acts like this.


 what are these things ? what is the root problem here..I bet you've heard this asked before.. how is the sex life ?? 

When my husband wanted more sex in the past.. I remember him being more grouchy with the kids, it caused a shorter temper... and he's one of the most laid back guys ever.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Thanks SA. 

What I would like from the marriage is more meaningful conversation from him. To be made to felt like he is actually taking an interest in how I feel or see the world. 

That is not something that comes naturally to him. I think he could speak less than 5 words a day and be at his happiest. He literally hates to talk. 

And I have zero desire to force someone to take an interest in me. I don't even know how you could force someone to do that. 

So I just shrug and find that need filled elsewhere by keeping busy being involved in a thousand different things. 

What does he most want? Who knows. He will never tell me. Even when I ask he won't tell me. He seems to prefer the periodic sulking and PA business over being direct with me. 

I used to go to great lengths to draw it out of him, read books together and make sure we are spending time together and all that jazz. Now I'm just like meh...I have too much going on to deal with endlessly pulling straws looking for the answer! We still spend time together but I do not go into it with any goal of connection, it's just to go to X place or see X movie. Stuff you'd do with a friend or acquaintance. 

I don't have much desire to be intimate with someone who treats me the same as the neighbor down the street or a distant coworker. So we are intimate a few times a month because that's when I approach him. He does not approach me at all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kag123 said:


> Thanks SA.
> 
> What I would like from the marriage is more meaningful conversation from him. To be made to felt like he is actually taking an interest in how I feel or see the world.
> 
> ...


 Now I REALLY REALLY REALLY sympathize with you.. that would be awful to live with .. so really.. his lack of response & attention, has led to your pushing away.... as what else can you do.. we shouldn't have to beg the other for some attention.. that's humiliating really .. I wouldn't do it either.. 

I can't help but ask.. was he always like this.. was the signs on the wall.. or did he change.. did some life event pull him inward? ... maybe he needed therapy to overcome... 



> So I just shrug and find that need filled elsewhere by keeping busy being involved in a thousand different things.
> 
> What does he most want? Who knows. He will never tell me. Even when I ask he won't tell me. He seems to prefer the periodic sulking and PA business over being direct with me.
> 
> ...


 That's messed up.. when I read some of this.. sounds he has "*Schitzoid*" tendencies.... where the individual just doesn't need anyone.. he's an excessive Loner.. doesn't need to talk , to share..to form connections.. 



> *People with schizoid personality disorder are loners. If you have this condition, you're likely to*:
> 
> *** Prefer being alone and usually choose solitary activities
> *** Prize independence and have few close friendships
> ...


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

kag123 said:


> And I have zero desire to force someone to take an interest in me. I don't even know how you could force someone to do that.


Hand him divorce papers as you walk out the door with a suitcase. Print out this thread and hand it to him. "I tried, but you didn't. I talked but you wouldn't listen. Sorry, I'll send for my things",

Then go dark for a week. Watch how quickly he takes an interest in you.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Hand him divorce papers as you walk out the door with a suitcase. Print out this thread and hand it to him. "I tried, but you didn't. I talked but you wouldn't listen. Sorry, I'll send for my things",
> 
> Then go dark for a week. Watch how quickly he takes an interest in you.


It's amazing that men (& some women) need that sort of treatment, but sometimes it's the only way they learn what is going wrong in the marriage. 
You could say it a million times & but the listening ears aren't working. 
Selective hearing yet again. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Hand him divorce papers as you walk out the door with a suitcase. Print out this thread and hand it to him. "I tried, but you didn't. I talked but you wouldn't listen. Sorry, I'll send for my things",
> 
> Then go dark for a week. Watch how quickly he takes an interest in you.


To me this falls under "forcing him to take interest" and I have no interest in that. Suddenly shaping up under duress does not make me feel better. 

If I were to go the divorce papers route, I would mean it and there would be no turning back.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am reading back through this thread and realized I sound bitter and pessimistic. I am not. 

Frustrated and tired, maybe. 

But definitely not on the verge of divorce and we do have happy times together. 

Just tired of these down periods.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

How much time, in general, do you two spend giving each other undivided attention doing enjoyable things together? 

We often put effort when dating to make the time spent together enjoyable. In a marriage, that needs to be carried forward.

Yes- life gets in the way...which means we need to be even more intentional...

Have you ever read His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley? He also suggests making sure a couple spends, at minimum, 15 hours a week giving each other undivided attention.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

kag123 said:


> To me this falls under "forcing him to take interest" and I have no interest in that. Suddenly shaping up under duress does not make me feel better.
> 
> If I were to go the divorce papers route, I would mean it and there would be no turning back.


OK. Great. You have your answer. That was easy. I wish to god you women would just come on here and say "I hate my husband, is it okay to divorce him"?

But then again, you seem cool with living with an abuser. As long as he's not "that way" all of the time anyhow. But do you know who IS "that way" all of the time? You. Waiting for his next outburst or temper tantrum. Then living through it. Then dealing with him acting like he doesn't give a **** until the next one. But if I remember correctly, "it works" for you.

I don't know WHAT to tell you. Except, MINIMUM, that you are going to be waiting for that easy magic bullet for a long time. Bring snacks and toilet paper. Maybe something to read...


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't know if I would call him an abuser. That's a bit much. Being ignored does not qualify abuse.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

My bad. I misread this. Looked to me like some pattern that many would consider abuse. I guess I'm wrong.



kag123 said:


> He is very short with me and curt when he speaks. He takes forever to return my calls or texts where normally he is very prompt. He purposely seems to be in a different room all of the time...Especially when he is being rude to the kids and taking his bad attitude out on them.
> 
> Then I just try to lay low and wait for it to pass. It always seems to after awhile. This will last a few weeks I am sure. It always does. During these periods I really find myself not wanting to spend time with him...


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> My bad. I misread this. Looked to me like some pattern that many would consider abuse. I guess I'm wrong.


Even calling this behavior - tantrums - abuse is a far fetch to me. He is not holding me against my will. He is not controlling me. He is behaving badly. I behave badly sometimes too. I would argue that everyone in a long term marriage sometimes behaves badly. 

Here is a definition from National Domestic Violence Hotline regarding what constitutes emotional abuse. I don't see us on this spectrum. 


You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:*

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
Trying to isolate you from family or friends
Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
Demanding to know where you are every minute
Trapping you in your home or preventing*you from leaving
Punishing you by withholding affection
Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
Humiliating you in any way
Blaming you for the abuse
Gaslighting
Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them


MachoMcCoy said:


> My bad. I misread this. Looked to me like some pattern that many would consider abuse. I guess I'm wrong.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Ite's *amazing that men *(& some women) need that sort of treatment, but sometimes it's the only way they learn what is going wrong in the marriage.
> You could say it a million times & but the listening ears aren't working.
> Selective hearing yet again.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


i don't think most men are like this by any stretch. Yes some won't communicate but my guess is they were like that before marriage as well so wasn't a huge surprise they were the same after. If a problem is communicated many men are fixers by nature and will do what they need to to fix the problem. When the problem can't be fixed then it turns. I know for me if something is beyond my control to change I'm not giving it a lot of headspace and time because nothing I can really do about it. Bottom line is communication is a two way street and both genders needs to be listened to AND understood. 

So far as threatening to use divorce as a catalyst to change behavior that would have the opposite effect on me. That would cause me to feel threatened and start to process of disconnecting, not trying to connect if that was the intention.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

OK. Fine. It's not "abuse". And you are happy most of the time. So what are you going to do?

Let's start actually working on your problem. What do we have so far?



badsanta said:


> Because "sexual desire needs distance" you can use this to your advantage so that he is only setting himself up for failure by using emotional distance as his form of passive aggressive anger towards you to work against him. Use the distance as a way to tease him! Dress sexy and tell him he can't have it! Be like a dominant mistress and flash you boobs at him to show him what he can not have! Be extraordinary confident as if you seem to be enjoying the fact that he is being emotionally distant, because you will make him beg and tell you how wonderful you are before he will get anything.



It MIGHT be fun that night, but he turns back into "him" as soon as he ejaculates.



SimplyAmorous said:


> Straight communication is where it's at in having a happy life. In a mature relationship both partners interrupt their aggressive and passive aggressive stances and deal with each other in direct ways. Straight communication brings out a depth of intimacy that is comforting and nurturing for both.



Straight communication. What does that even mean? Let me know how "talking to him" goes. On second thought, don't bother.




cons said:


> How much time, in general, do you two spend giving each other undivided attention doing enjoyable things together?
> 
> We often put effort when dating to make the time spent together enjoyable. In a marriage, that needs to be carried forward.
> 
> ...


He doesn't want to spend 15 minutes with her, let alone 15 hours.

Which of those great suggestions are you going to try first?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

cons said:


> How much time, in general, do you two spend giving each other undivided attention doing enjoyable things together?
> 
> We often put effort when dating to make the time spent together enjoyable. In a marriage, that needs to be carried forward.
> 
> ...


We definitely spend the 15 hours per week together at home. Our kids are getting older so they occupy themselves a lot of the time or they are outside with friends so H and I have plenty of time at home, including after they are in bed, to be alone together. When we have alone time his go-to in the evenings is to watch TV together. Weekends time at home the go-to is to work on a house project or the garden. We do things together side by side but there is little communication going on. 

We go on dates. They do not include a lot of communication either. Sometimes dates are awkward for that reason. Lately I have been planning dates that either include friends so there are more people to talk to or planning specific locations that include something to do while there so it's not just sitting across the table from each other with nothing to say. 

I asked to go away for 2 days just the two of us for my birthday next month and he's on board with that. I'm feeling like I need to jam pack the trip with activities to avoid awkward moments.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Bottom line is communication is a two way street and both genders needs to be listened to AND understood.


OK. We're getting somewhere here. More communication. This is good. 

I find it hard to believe you never thought to talk to him about this though.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> i don't think most men are like this by any stretch. Yes some won't communicate but my guess is they were like that before marriage as well so wasn't a huge surprise they were the same after. If a problem is communicated many men are fixers by nature and will do what they need to to fix the problem. When the problem can't be fixed then it turns. I know for me if something is beyond my control to change I'm not giving it a lot of headspace and time because nothing I can really do about it. Bottom line is communication is a two way street and both genders needs to be listened to AND understood.
> 
> So far as threatening to use divorce as a catalyst to change behavior that would have the opposite effect on me. That would cause me to feel threatened and start to process of disconnecting, not trying to connect if that was the intention.


I agree with you. If he ever brought up divorce, especially as a veiled threat, I would just say ok where do I sign? And I would expect the same reaction from him if I were to do it because I know that if either of us got to that point we would be serious and already long gone.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> OK. We're getting somewhere here. More communication. This is good.
> 
> I find it hard to believe you never thought to talk to him about this though.


Oh I've talked. 

Talking AT someone who provides no feedback and retreats at any sign of conflict does not go well, though. 

And I've read books. And so has he. He has read NMMNG and we've both read "How to fix your marriage without talking about it" and "his needs her needs".


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Wolf1974 I agree with you 100%. 
But some spouses do not listen & are unwilling to change. 
The jolt of losing will actually make them communicate & they can work together.
If they disagree & want divorce then both can move on happily. 
There is no point staying in a marriage where the other spouse refuses to make things better. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

kag123 said:


> We definitely spend the 15 hours per week together at home. Our kids are getting older so they occupy themselves a lot of the time or they are outside with friends so H and I have plenty of time at home, including after they are in bed, to be alone together. When we have alone time his go-to in the evenings is to *watch TV together*. Weekends time at home the go-to is to work on a house project or the garden. We do things together side by side but there is little communication going on.


You know that doesn't count to the "15 hours".


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

kag123 said:


> Oh I've talked.
> 
> Talking AT someone who provides no feedback and retreats at any sign of conflict does not go well, though.
> 
> And I've read books. And so has he. He has read NMMNG and we've both read "How to fix your marriage without talking about it" and "his needs her needs".


Sorry. You read that post you quoted in isolation. Read the one above it first. I have a dry sarcastic humor. OF COURSE you talked to him. Until you're blue in the face, I'm sure. And you even made some progress before. Until you caved and allowed him to return to his comfort zone. But that comfort zone is the reason you are here.

Books? It's awkward that you are so out of touch that you think books (or talk, for that matter) will help change someone that doesn't want to change. 

Throw in the sexy BS BadSanta recommended. Throw in books and talk, and you have a plan.

Books. Talk. Awesome "make-upsex". All PERFECT tools once he see's it's his problem. Once he see's he's about to lose everything. Once he see's his wife has no respect for him. 

But how do you make him give a sh1t? I've only seen one poster give advice on that. Good luck without that wake-up call.

That's what you need help with. The wake-up call. If you can't do that, get used to being ignored. We "non-abusive" husbands LOVE to use a tool that is not on a worthless list that goes around. We can control our spouse without being "abusive". And as long as we don't HIT our kids, we can terrify them with our anger and power. Another good one not on your list.

Sorry. You have three options and three options only:


Live with this abu...sorry..."aloof" husband for the rest of your life.
Divorce him.
Make him want to change.

I can't figure out which one you're trying. Please specify so we can help you succeed.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

CharlieParker said:


> You know that doesn't count to the "15 hours".


What? I was wondering why my marriage still sucked after watching 20 hours+ of TV with her per week. When I was an hour in one time and she forgot I was even there, I should have been clued in.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Sorry. You read that post you quoted in isolation. Read the one above it first. I have a dry sarcastic humor. OF COURSE you talked to him. Until you're blue in the face, I'm sure. And you even made some progress before. Until you caved and allowed him to return to his comfort zone. But that comfort zone is the reason you are here.
> 
> Books? It's awkward that you are so out of touch that you think books (or talk, for that matter) will help change someone that doesn't want to change.
> 
> ...


I think I remember you now. Are you the Walk Away wife guy?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I suppose the cycle has ended. He came home on Friday in a great mood and planned a spontaneous date for us on Saturday, which was very nice. He was upbeat and talking the whole time. Telling me about how much he's looking forward to our trip and we are planning a family trip in July. I don't know why we go through these phases but he's been very sweet this whole weekend.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Say nothing and start to go to bed naked. Seriously- that should get his attention and he won't know what to make of it. See if it sparks a conversation or some intimacy. At the very least it will spark some curiosity.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

kag123 said:


> . I'm feeling like I need to jam pack the trip with activities to avoid awkward moments.


I think you need the opposite.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I suppose the cycle has ended. He came home on Friday in a great mood and planned a spontaneous date for us on Saturday, which was very nice. He was upbeat and talking the whole time. Telling me about how much he's looking forward to our trip and we are planning a family trip in July. I don't know why we go through these phases but he's been very sweet this whole weekend.


Sounds like a good time to ask him why he had his earlier bad mood.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

So, despite his good mood we still had not been intimate in a long time. We are going on 3+ weeks. I think it's a little of both of our faults. I definitely take the blame for some of it. Night is usually the only time we have together and between all of our crazy responsibilities we are both usually exhausted by that time. Add in that things have been wierd between us and the tension does nothing good for that either. 

We had a date night last night. His parents kept the kids overnight for us. I was hopeful that it would be an opportunity to clear the air and take advantage of the fact that it seems like the clouds had lifted a bit with his attitude.

When we got to his parents house they broke the news that his dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer.  We had no idea and they just got the news themselves. They insisted we still go out on our date because they wanted to spend time with the kids. So we did. I Our date night understandably got a whole lot heavier. He doesn't want to talk about it at all and this will be another reason for him to shut me out. I wish I could be there for him more. I am also very hurt by the news, I am close to his parents and our kids are very very close to their pop pop. They are going to be devastated when it is time to tell them. We aren't telling them yet. 

That blew any chance of intimacy out of the water for last night. So here we are entering week 4 of no visible upswing and we've been dealt a terrible blow to knock us down again.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I am going to take a little different line of thinking here, but because I don't know much about your husband perhaps you can me understand...

We all deal with stress different ways... I spend 99% of my day with people, talking to them, solving their problems (mostly technical, but my approach often opens them up to many conversations), leading a team of people (solving their problems as well as continually guiding them in customer service), vendors, public figures, the list goes on.

Some days I was simply talked and tasked out... this created horrible stress in my marriage because my wife didn't fathom this could happen. When the kids were younger I worked hard to spend the time but it did not always end pleasant... when the play was done it was time to get to work picking up toys, getting organized for school/bed, short with the kids (poorly short, but I did have some lingering issues from my last profession -no excuse, just how it was until I sought counseling), and then for the wife, little was left.

How your husband handles his stress will play a really big part in how you communicate, how you handle yours will either compliment that or play it to it's detriment.

My wife and I just went through a two-week low period... this time the roles were reversed and it was how I handled it made all the difference. We do have our times like this, removing my triggers and buttons keep it sane, removing my desire to control her prevents poor reaction, sharing my love when it doesn't seem returned (although I know it is always there) is openly given and softening.

Feelings are real and legitimate, it's how we are tooled to react and respond to them is how we become better when it doesn't land us in a place that is conducive to safe expression and honest reflection. I know that I could not show weakness in any scenario but the problem was that was that self-imposed perception was misplaced too often.

I wonder if your husband is not comfortable showing these self-imprisoning feelings, becomes angry with himself for it, then lashes out in the only scenario he feels moderately safe in, around you and family.

Please don't shame him in front of the children, even when you think such behavior is warranted. Ask him to come to a neutral area and present the behavior to him letting him know his stress/anger/behavior is showing the children the wrong way to react, that there are better ways, and that when he realizes how his words hurt it is best to show the children how important they are with an apology and lead them that this is how adults resolve things at the end of harsh words and reflection of better interaction.

Of course, humans can be prideful creatures... pride and stress often go hand in hand. He will need to put one aside to be better with the other, retool so to speak.

I wish I could take a thousand things back and have applied these words two decades ago... perhaps they can help you.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry about FIL.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> @Wolf1974 I agree with you 100%.
> But some spouses do not listen & are unwilling to change.
> The jolt of losing will actually make them communicate & they can work together.
> If they disagree & want divorce then both can move on happily.
> ...


I don't doubt it will work with some people. But for me if you threaten the relationship I take that to mean you aren't really invested in it anyway. So that's a wrong route for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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