# need help - not bother about saving marriage but for happening right thing



## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

friends, i need suggestion. 
i met a girl 6 months ago (arrange marriage), i fell in love vd her n so c did. i decided to marry her, n v got engaged in 3 months n married in next 4 months thereafter.

c told me almost everything except 1 that c loved someone in d past and couldn't materalize the love because that a$$ hole was actually married n might be enjoying her company without revealing the fact to her.
when c came to knw c broke all relations vd him.
before breaking the relation c had good time with him n even exchanged few kissses. n i don't knw what all.
actually all this c didn't tell me, i came to knw through some means and i told ehr to tell me the truth but c didn't so i still believed her because i loved her.
but when i got the proofs against her, i confronted her only to find that this time c told the truth.
so the problem the biggest problem is c broke my trust by not telling me the truth at the first place.
and i can't forgive her for letting another man touch her.
i want to go away. but i think what c vl do after that n what will happend with her old parents.
i m tense n suffering my self by drinking. the moment i think someone else touched her i find a fire burning inside me.
what to do. neither i m able to leave her nor accept her.
friends pls suggest. i knw most of u vl say forget but really believe me i tried all but i can't.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Unless you are very young, the chances of your betrothed having had a prior bf or some previous experience dating are almost to be expected. Once she found that he was married, she cut him loose. And yes, she probably did have feelings for him at the time. It happens. She is now your wife and I assume that she is devoted to you now.

Yes, you do need time to cool off. Maybe get away from her for a few days and re-think your position? Definitely need to stay sober. You say that you still love her, which is a good thing. Remember that. And remember that we all make mistakes since we are human.

If you still love her, and she loves you, then what you should do is try to forgive her and forget the past. Move forward. Build you own life together and chalk it off as a learning experience for the both of you.

I hope things work out for the both of you.


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

i m 31 n c is 28. i m trying my level best to forgive n i understand it happends. but all this in mind. frm heart i don't get all this. i can't accept c touched someone else n let him do the same. i just want to cut the threads. i knw i m a$$ in this matter n very narrow minded but thats wht i m. 
will it be fine if v divorce each other? vl it unjustice frm my end? 
c is good n loves me just that c got trapped by a bad man in d past n no doubt had feeling for him. c has now or not god only knws n c does.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Sound like you need some serious counseling for yourself to get over something that should not even be an issue. Jealousy is extremely unattractive and can ruin relationships in short order. YOU have a serious issue you need to address, don't blame her for your uncalled for way of thinking either, that will most certainly be the demise of your relationship. And listen to tgd above poster as well. Unless she lives under a rock any women who isnt gay has probably had contact with a man before marriage.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

peoplesoft1 said:


> i m 31 n c is 28. i m trying my level best to forgive n i understand it happends. but all this in mind. frm heart i don't get all this. i can't accept c touched someone else n let him do the same. i just want to cut the threads. i knw i m a$$ in this matter n very narrow minded but thats wht i m.
> will it be fine if v divorce each other? vl it unjustice frm my end?
> c is good n loves me just that c got trapped by a bad man in d past n no doubt had feeling for him. c has now or not god only knws n c does.


Since you are 31, I assume that you dated other women before you married your wife? 

You said earlier that this was an "arranged married" which, I assume, is a cultural thing. Perhaps if you had married her years before, then the opportunity would not have been there for her to have met someone else while she was a single woman, before she turned 28.

You can either forgive her or you can't, and that is entirely your decision. Yes, of course you can divorce her. I'm not sure of the cultural "excuse" for the break up the marriage, but there is always the fall back "irreconcilable differences".

But then what. Single again? Intolerant? Just how many women are out there that meet your standard of not having had a previous bf?

Bottom line, you either forgive her and continue with the marriage or you won't.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Past is past, we cannot live in that or undo it, present is some thing which we live now we can do little changes and future, we can shape it as our wish. So forget her past, she may have lied to you in the fear of loosing you for her past mistake but you should understand one thing she was not committed to you at that time, so it cannot be considered as betrayal.

You have only began your life, dont judge her by her past doings as she was not committed to you, you see how she is behaving now.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

It hurts you because she didn't tell you the truth in the beginning......If I were you I will also be upset but hey it happened before marriage and what matters is present and future....if she had done this after marriage then its totally a different story. You have to change your mindset........because I am not sure if you will be able to find a girl who had not even touched another man before in a modern world.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Actually, peoplesoft, you are not "trying your best to accept and forgive" -- in fact, you are not trying at all, because you are so sure that you are right.

I think you should let her go and find a more mature man.


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

friends, you people are very right. i knw.
last night i got drunk n i called her n did all nonsense talk.
why can't i accept the fact.
i m in real need of counselling before i do something really wrong or she does by all this humiliation by me.
i m restless n no peace in my mind.
god pls save my marriage or give both of us strgth to apart frm each othr.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Where are you from? I think you are from a conservative country.


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

i m vry conservative...yes i belong to conservative country too....


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Since you are 31, I assume that you dated other women before you married your wife?
> 
> You said earlier that this was an "arranged married" which, I assume, is a cultural thing. Perhaps if you had married her years before, then the opportunity would not have been there for her to have met someone else while she was a single woman, before she turned 28.
> 
> ...


-- thanks !! yes, i was dating 2-3 girls in the past but with no girl i fell in love before. this is first girl i fell in love vd. n i couldn't digest c loved someone else before me. i really love her n care for her. i think this is my ego (male ego) that my wife shuld only be mine. i m srry i m vry conservative because i m frm india n here in arrange marriages v expect d girls nt to hv love affairs before marriage. well this is nt true though as the time changing n girls r becoming indepndent thy get in touch vd bed n good people. so it happens.
in short from mind i forgave her 100 times but frm heart i m nt able to. few wounds only time can heal. i think this is one of them.


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Actually, peoplesoft, you are not "trying your best to accept and forgive" -- in fact, you are not trying at all, because you are so sure that you are right.
> 
> I think you should let her go and find a more mature man.


---
thanks lamaga for the suggestion !
but i can't leave her as well. v r frm india a conservative place.
n i m worried wht c vl do after v r divorced. her family vl also be tensed. c is indepndent n can tk care of herself but i knw life vl nt be easy for her after that.
i also won't be able to live vdout her. i love her.
whn c is close to me i m ok n happy vd her. but whn c is away bad thoughts come to mind and i get depressed. bad thoughts like her happy moments vd x.
pls suggest how can i pull myself out from this ? appreciate your help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peoplesoft1 said:


> -- thanks !! yes, i was dating 2-3 girls in the past but with no girl i fell in love before. this is first girl i fell in love vd. n i couldn't digest c loved someone else before me. i really love her n care for her. i think this is my ego (male ego) that my wife shuld only be mine. i m srry i m vry conservative because i m frm india n here in arrange marriages v expect d girls nt to hv love affairs before marriage. well this is nt true though as the time changing n girls r becoming indepndent thy get in touch vd bed n good people. so it happens.
> in short from mind i forgave her 100 times but frm heart i m nt able to. few wounds only time can heal. i think this is one of them.


So these other women ou dated, did you and them kiss and 'touch'... not sure what 'touch' is the key-word for. Is it just kissing and petting? having sex? 

Basically did you do things with these other women?


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

hi Elegirl, yes i kissed these 3 girls. n vd 1 of them i had sex also twice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peoplesoft1 said:


> hi Elegirl, yes i kissed these 3 girls. n vd 1 of them i had sex also twice.


Have you told your wife this?

So you did to other women what you hold against your wife.

Do you see that you are a hypocrite? If you want a wife who is ‘pure’ do you not also owe it to her to be pure yourself? Do you not also owe it to other women to not ruin them, not degrade them?

This man lied to your wife and hurt her. If you love your wife you should be angry at him for his lies that he tried to use to take advantage of her.

Is there anyone who you can go to for counseling? Someone who understand these things and can help you work through your irrational reaction to your wife caring for someone and ‘touching’ in the past?


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## peoplesoft1 (May 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Have you told your wife this?
> 
> So you did to other women what you hold against your wife.
> 
> ...


---
i am getting what you are trying to say. 
i knw i m wrong. they say what you do to others returns to you.
i regret my doing. my wife is innocent she got trapped by a bad man like me. i just spoke her n feel good. 
these bad thoughts come like impulse when c is nt around. whn c is arund i love her n don't get suffered by bad thoughts.

actually d most difficult thing was c hiding d facts frm me when it was exposed to me. had c told me d truth upfront tht moment i would hv believed her. but c hid the fact n only accepted whn i put proofs infront of her. so the trust that i lost was very hurting.

i m a believer tht whatever happens before marriage shuld nt be disclosed. but if for ny reason it surfaces then at least to save the trust which is the base for relationship truth shuld be told.
c was unlucky that it surfaced infront of me n then c did a mistake of hiding frm me by lying n broke my trust.

i hope i vl recover vd time.
n i apologize to the girls i had relationship vd in d past. forgive me god. i got good lesson.


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