# I am the WS who needs help advice on proving trust re fall in love please read



## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Sorry you are feeling so down and upset, calm down a bit write it out again as there are very knowledgable people on this forum who can help you.
I hope u don't mind me telling u my story as short as I can make it 
My husband call him john adopted my two kids from a previous marriage my ex husband call him dave was in prison at the time (father of the kids and ex husband we married youn I got pregnant married him at 16 he was 18). Dave got out and a year later contacted me to find out how our oldest son (no longer legally his as john adopted them)) was doing because that son call him ben secretly facebooked him. We proceeds to talk text only as he wa 26 hours away for three months behind johns back..


John two years prior had been battling pain killer addiction after a shoulder injury ( finally after this started going to a doctor and now on medication to treat that addiction) and before this pain killer problem was never an addict didn't use anything not even drink was during addiction and before a very hard worker good provider and amazing person. 
For those two years he was verbally mean to me very disconnected and hardly no intimacy. I didnt know for 18 months it had anything to do with an addiction. We have the two kids from my previous marrige he had adopted then we (John and i) had two of our own. So four children total. Be fore we got married john and his ex girlfriend whom he had no kids with she told me they had sex and he admitted she had come to his work but didn't tell me cause I would think he cheated but claimed she lied about sex this is second time before we married he said this ,that was 2003 after living together 3 years. Although I don't fully believe him I let it go. 

So after john found the texts of me and Dave he with our confronting me with it took his mom and sister 
Went to a lawyer filed and took off with kids to an out of state relative then asked me to come see him I did, then Told his mom I followed him there.. Due to his addiction we didn't know about he lied for two years about me and his family said horrible things about me etc to keep me and them apart.

He then started texting calling this ex behind my back a month after finding out about me in march this year and dave texting talking. I found phone records. i called her she said they met at lake he took our two kids even. Then they met again alone for pain meds and said he had lied and told her we didn't live together etc. ok so I have NC with Dave but John said my betrayal with my ex is worse because of the history and he is hurt worse because he didn't do anything with his ex and not were his intentions to be with her it was just get me back.I say the same dave was five states away and we only texted talked but I am suppose to believe john while he continues to feel lhow can he ever know I am really being honest (I could say same to him) and says he knows he was mean and selfish with addiction but never had gone to a woman to talk. He looks at me different but says he wants to be here and with me and feels like he has been forced to feel unimportant and I robbed him of that. I cry a lot To him and say why can't we just be like before if we both want that I am willing and have forgiven. He was an absent husband emotionally an physically for those two years before i ever talked to dave and even after as he only started treatment in august.

me and my ex Dave (for three months nov 2011-feb 2012 had what I call the EA ) i had stopped talking to dave for a month before John found phone records). dave did say he wanted me still always will while I told Dave that John and me were havig problems but if he could be his real self (John ) he is all I have ever wanted and i didnt want to be with Dave but had conversations about what could have been had he never turned into a NA person am went to prison he did I always said things happen for a reason am John makes me happier more than anyone has when sober and normal. Any advice on how I can or things I can do or say to prove I am trustworthy ? I want him to look at me like before. Sorry so long just hoping no matter how harsh y'all have advice on trusting or earning trust. He has access to phone my fb all of it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you re-edit your post. It is very hard to read now. You are obviously in a lot of pain but if people cannot understand your post, they cannot help you


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Xx


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Can you re-edit your post. It is very hard to read now. You are obviously in a lot of pain but if people cannot understand your post, they cannot help you


Just did an can u post a link to where I can read your story I am trying to find advice and see if I can get anything from this site if u don't mind I need men's point of views to how they have dealt with wives doing this mine was EA not PA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

While I til my ex husband that me and current husband were having problems I only wanted my husband if he could get well and be the sober man I married
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Just going to let you know. 
I am rather in your face in my post. 



regretfullyhis said:


> I hope u don't mind me telling u my story as short as I can make it as u seem very knowledgable
> My husband adopted my two kids from a previous marriage my ex was in prison at the time (father of the kids and ex husband). He (ex husband) got out and a year later contacted me to find out how our oldest son (no longer legally his as my current husband adopted them)) was doing because that son secretly facebooked him. We proceeds to talk text only as he wa 26 hours away for two months behind my husbands back .


And you thought this man would be a good biological father for the children you would bear?



> My husband for two years prior had been battling pain killer addiction ( finally after this started going to a doctor and now on medication to treat that addiction)


Why can't you find a male, that:
Hasn't been to prison
Doesn't have an addiction?

I mean, really? What is the appeal? 
I hate to think who your ex's are...



> For those two years he was verbally mean to me very disconnected and hardly no intimacy. I don't know for 18 months it had anything to do with an addiction. We have the two kids from previous marrige he had adopted then we (current husband and i) had two of our own. Be fore we got married (current husband) and his ex girlfriend whom he had no kids with told me they had sex and he admitted she had come to his work but didn't tell me cause I would think he cheated that was 2003 after living together 3 years. Although I don't fully believe him I let it go. So after he found the texts of me and my ex husabdn he with our confronting me with his mom and sister


So you got...4 kids now? Or just 2? Kinda confusing. 

Also, wow. 
All I can say about that is:
"I am sorry your decision to date a bad boy resulted in you being treated badly by a boy." 



> Went to a lawyer filed and took off with kids to an out of state relative asked me to come see him I did then Told his mom I followed him there.. Due to his addiction we didn't know about he lied for two years about me and his family said horrible things about me etc to keep me and them apart. He then started texting calling this ex behind my back a month after finding out about me in march this year and my ex husband texting talking. I found phone records called her she said they met at lake he took our two kids even. Then met again alone for pain meds and said he had lied told her we didn't live together etc. ok so I have NC with the ex husband but my husband said my betrayal with my ex is worse because of the history and he is hurt worse because he didn't do anything with his ex not were his intentions to be with her just get me back.I say the same my ex was five states away and we only texted talked but I am suppose to believe my husband while he continues to feel like how can he ever know I am really being honest (I could say same to him) and says he knows he was mean and selfish with addiction but never had gone to a woman to talk. He looks at me different but says he wants to be here and with me and feels like he has been forced to feel unimportant and I robbed him of that. I cry a lot I him an say why can't we just be like before if we both want tht I am willing and have forgiven. He was an absent husband emotionally an physically for those two years before i ever talked to ex and even after a he inly started treatment in august me and my ex talked (for three months nov 2011-feb 2012 ) i had stopped talking to my ex husband for a month before my current husband found phone records) my ex husband he did say he wanted me still always will while I told my husband and me were havig problems but if he could be his real self (my husband) he is all I have ever wanted and i didnt want to be with the ex husband. Any advice on how I can or things I can do or say to prove I am trustworthy ? I want him to look at me like before. Sorry so long just hoping u and your spouse could shed some light
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't like line breaks do you?

So, you want your husband, that was, and maybe still is, an addict, back in your life?
And did you get with your ex?

Maybe you should get your life together. 
As in:
Take care of your kids first!
Figure out what type of men make a good father, role model, and mate. Otherwise, you will repeat your past. 

And stop dating men that are either addicts or former inmates! I got a coworker who spent a year in prison for substance abuse. You wanna get with him? Best of both worlds, addict and former inmate! 

Because right now, your life is in shambles, and your kids are the ones that will feel it the most.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> Just did an can u post a link to where I can read your story I am trying to find advice and see if I can get anything from this site if u don't mind I need men's point of views to how they have dealt with wives doing this mine was EA not PA
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WEll, Calvin dealt with that didn't he? Still trying to get all the guys straights. 

But Calvin also doesn't strike me as a guy that was addicted to pain killers. 

You should probably worry more about your choice in men than how to fix a broken relationship.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Okay first of all I was 16 when I got married and my first husband went to prison doing things I didnt know about that's why I divorced him. Secondly my current husband had a shoulder injury two years prior and that is when his addiction started and I didn't know he was still taking them or it had gotten to an addiction point as I wasn't snooping
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Just going to let you know.
> I am rather in your face in my post.
> 
> 
> ...



My kids were not in the know of any issues my husband like I said had an injury and wasn't just lying in bed on pain killers 
My children are loved and we don't fight in front of them even when he took them out of town we told them it was because I needed to stay here and work. 
He is a college educated hard working man my husband and yes I married the first one young because I got pregnant. I own my own business and am able to stay home with my children. I did make a better choice by marrying my current husband, people make mistakes but those mistakes don't erase the good they were before. This is the only issue current husband has had. Maybe this is wrong website to try to get advice from. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, let me ask you this.

Do you see yourself wanting to live out a long and happy life with this man? Think when you two are in your 60's, and your kids are grown. Looking back, will you be happy and know you lived a full life? Or will you have some regrets?

Do you think this man has the same goals and dreams as you do?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Hi RH, one of the problems is your post is a wall of text which makes it difficult to read and therefore hard for people to advise you.

I don't want to turn this into a writing lesson because I could certainly use some advice in that department. Use paragraphs and full stops a bit more.

Perhaps part of the problem is that you are writing (understandably) while very upset. Try to take a deep breath and write again, perhaps spreading the story across several posts.

Sorry you are feeling so down and upset, calm down a bit write it out again as there are very knowledgable people on this forum who can help you.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Yes my husband now he has always had the goals and motivation the same as me hell more so than me. He made me a better person when I met him He turned my life completely around. His Christian influence, accepting my first two children as his own and his career goals were way more than I had envisioned. We want the same things in life. I just don't want my actions, like I said he did dirt too but sad mine hurt more because he had tried for so long to help me get away from the ex (which I should never had talked to I know) that had it been anyone else it wouldn't hurt so bad. I say to him well u talking to ur ex gf a month after finding out about me hurts too but I have given access to fb my phone I never have locked he can look at phone records etc I show affection but want him to show me more affection want me intimately more and he says every day he thinks about what I did but I don't every day think about why he did I just need advice on how to make the BS feel and prove myself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Hi RH, one of the problems is your post is a wall of text which makes it difficult to read and therefore hard for people to advise you.
> 
> I don't want to turn this into a writing lesson because I could certainly use some advice in that department. Use paragraphs and full stops a bit more.
> 
> ...



Ok should I start a new thread ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> Ok should I start a new thread ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am in an I phone too and am upset I will repost here and make new thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> I am in an I phone too and am upset I will repost here and make new thread
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you necessarily need a new thread just calm down and write again in smaller chunks.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Xx


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Hi RH, one of the problems is your post is a wall of text which makes it difficult to read and therefore hard for people to advise you.
> 
> I don't want to turn this into a writing lesson because I could certainly use some advice in that department. Use paragraphs and full stops a bit more.
> 
> ...


 I hope u don't mind me telling u my story as short as I can make it 
My husband call him john adopted my two kids from a previous marriage my ex husband call him dave was in prison at the time (father of the kids and ex husband we married youn I got pregnant married him at 16 he was 18). Dave got out and a year later contacted me to find out how our oldest son (no longer legally his as john adopted them)) was doing because that son call him ben secretly facebooked him. We proceeds to talk text only as he wa 26 hours away for three months behind johns back..


John two years prior had been battling pain killer addiction after a shoulder injury ( finally after this started going to a doctor and now on medication to treat that addiction) and before this pain killer problem was never an addict didn't use anything not even drink was during addiction and before a very hard worker good provider and amazing person. 
For those two years he was verbally mean to me very disconnected and hardly no intimacy. I didnt know for 18 months it had anything to do with an addiction. We have the two kids from my previous marrige he had adopted then we (John and i) had two of our own. So four children total. Be fore we got married john and his ex girlfriend whom he had no kids with she told me they had sex and he admitted she had come to his work but didn't tell me cause I would think he cheated but claimed she lied about sex this is second time before we married he said this ,that was 2003 after living together 3 years. Although I don't fully believe him I let it go. 

So after john found the texts of me and Dave he with our confronting me with it took his mom and sister 
Went to a lawyer filed and took off with kids to an out of state relative then asked me to come see him I did, then Told his mom I followed him there.. Due to his addiction we didn't know about he lied for two years about me and his family said horrible things about me etc to keep me and them apart.

He then started texting calling this ex behind my back a month after finding out about me in march this year and dave texting talking. I found phone records. i called her she said they met at lake he took our two kids even. Then they met again alone for pain meds and said he had lied and told her we didn't live together etc. ok so I have NC with Dave but John said my betrayal with my ex is worse because of the history and he is hurt worse because he didn't do anything with his ex and not were his intentions to be with her it was just get me back.I say the same dave was five states away and we only texted talked but I am suppose to believe john while he continues to feel lhow can he ever know I am really being honest (I could say same to him) and says he knows he was mean and selfish with addiction but never had gone to a woman to talk. He looks at me different but says he wants to be here and with me and feels like he has been forced to feel unimportant and I robbed him of that. I cry a lot To him and say why can't we just be like before if we both want that I am willing and have forgiven. He was an absent husband emotionally an physically for those two years before i ever talked to dave and even after as he only started treatment in august.

me and my ex Dave (for three months nov 2011-feb 2012 had what I call the EA ) i had stopped talking to dave for a month before John found phone records). dave did say he wanted me still always will while I told Dave that John and me were havig problems but if he could be his real self (John ) he is all I have ever wanted and i didnt want to be with Dave but had conversations about what could have been had he never turned into a NA person am went to prison he did I always said things happen for a reason am John makes me happier more than anyone has when sober and normal. Any advice on how I can or things I can do or say to prove I am trustworthy ? I want him to look at me like before. Sorry so long just hoping no matter how harsh y'all have advice on trusting or earning trust. He has access to phone my fb all of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

You don't seem to mention marriage counselling anywhere.

It sounds like there were faults on both sides here, your EA with 'Dave' and 'John's' EA with his ex.

You mention that you give your husband transparency, do you have transparency from him?


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, let me ask you this.
> 
> Do you see yourself wanting to live out a long and happy life with this man? Think when you two are in your 60's, and your kids are grown. Looking back, will you be happy and know you lived a full life? Or will you have some regrets?
> 
> Do you think this man has the same goals and dreams as you do?



Yes my husband now he has always had the goals and motivation the same as me hell more so than me. He made me a better person when I met him He turned my life completely around. His Christian influence, accepting my first two children as his own and his career goals were way more than I had envisioned. We want the same things in life. I just don't want my actions, like I said he did dirt too but sad mine hurt more because he had tried for so long to help me get away from the ex (which I should never had talked to I know) that had it been anyone else it wouldn't hurt so bad. I say to him well u talking to ur ex gf a month after finding out about me hurts too but I have given access to fb my phone I never have locked he can look at phone records etc I show affection but want him to show me more affection want me intimately more and he says every day he thinks about what I did but I don't every day think about why he did I just need advice on how to make the BS feel and prove myself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> You don't seem to mention marriage counselling anywhere.
> 
> It sounds like there were faults on both sides here, your EA with 'Dave' and 'John's' EA with his ex.
> 
> You mention that you give your husband transparency, do you have transparency from him?


Sorry yes we tried MC in April it didn't seem to help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> Sorry yes we tried MC in April it didn't seem to help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We went 8 times and things shifted to our kids going to the beach with my parents while he went through the withdrawals and we got him into treatment and on meds as we keep them away from that as well as no fights around them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> Sorry yes we tried MC in April it didn't seem to help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said that John was having his EA a month after finding out about you and Dave in March.
So that makes it April and if you were going to marriage guidance in April that means that John was still having at least an EA then.

Generally marriage guidance will not work while an affair is under way.
It might be worth looking for some sort of counselling as it sounds as though there is resentment on both sides and it will be hard to build anything together while that resentment is bubbling under.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> You said that John was having his EA a month after finding out about you and Dave in March.
> So that makes it April and if you were going to marriage guidance in April that means that John was still having at least an EA then.
> 
> Generally marriage guidance will not work while an affair is under way.
> It might be worth looking for some sort of counselling as it sounds as though there is resentment on both sides and it will be hard to build anything together while that resentment is bubbling under.


Yes resentment from him as I am willing to move forward but he says he thinks about it every day and mine is worse than his he didn't admit his EA I too snooped on phone records and found out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

1. It's not realistic to expect him to look at you the same. You are not the same person he was in love with. In his eyes, you are a liar, a cheater and probably some other not-so-nice words.
2. You need to acknowledge you made some really huge mistakes, including turning to someone really negative instead of turning to him.
3. No Contact with the ex. At all. Period. He can talk to your husband if there are issues to talk about with the kids. 
4. Individual counseling. There are issues inside you causing you to make bad choices (not judging you, just being direct).
5. IF (that's a big IF) he is willing to work on things, get in to marriage counseling.
6. Total transparency on everything from both sides, email/cell/facebook/texting, etc. Don't delete anything.

I'm sure others will have more input but you can't force him to want to reconcile and you need to give him time to think about this.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> 1. It's not realistic to expect him to look at you the same. You are not the same person he was in love with. In his eyes, you are a liar, a cheater and probably some other not-so-nice words.
> 2. You need to acknowledge you made some really huge mistakes, including turning to someone really negative instead of turning to him.
> 3. No Contact with the ex. At all. Period. He can talk to your husband if there are issues to talk about with the kids.
> 4. Individual counseling. There are issues inside you causing you to make bad choices (not judging you, just being direct).
> ...


He does wan to he canceled divorce as I had hired one too and canceled that money $5000 lost but worth it we still live together and sleep in same bed its just he says he thinks about every day although he did the same but somehow he doesn't see it hurt me just as much. And the ex is biological father but we terminated his rights while he was in prison so no reason to talk. I am sorry to everyone as I have posted my story a few times and had to rewrite as I am in I phone and didnt do line breaks or edit correctly I promise no more of that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> He does wan to he canceled divorce as I had hired one too and canceled that money $5000 lost but worth it we still live together and sleep in same bed its just he says he thinks about every day although he did the same but somehow he doesn't see it hurt me just as much. And the ex is biological father but we terminated his rights while he was in prison so no reason to talk. I am sorry to everyone as I have posted my story a few times and had to rewrite as I am in I phone and didnt do line breaks or edit correctly I promise no more of that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be sorry, can see you are hurting.

Does your hubby not understand that he too made a mistake by carrying on an EA himself?

Are you sure his was not a PA as they were actually together?

I wonder if he is angry at himself but projecting that anger onto you?


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Don't be sorry, can see you are hurting.
> 
> Does your hubby not understand that he too made a mistake by carrying on an EA himself?
> 
> ...


I honestly believe he thinks mine is worse and because I know when I say to him I wonder if u Physically cheated he just says please over u? Look at her she's a horrible person and I say well I feel same. my ex was also five states away. 

we talked alot yes, the ex of mine did a lot of horrible things and I allowed myself to get sucked into him telling me the guilt he felt how he lost me as a best friend etc. it wasn't like my husband thinks just like he says it wasn't like I thought with him and his ex. 

I emotionally was drained with dealing with the devastation of current husbands lies of addiction and him so distant. I made the wrong choice and talked to the one person that was the worst. I honestly in my mind think he kissed his ex from something she worded to me as her and I were fb friends and still text. I know weird but she even says still they had sex after me and current husband had been living together 3 yrs. which he says no I don't harp on that with him. I just am confused and want this repaired. I miss my old life with my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your situation as I understand it is that you and your husband both had an emotional affair.

You want to rebuild the relationship and your husband seems to maybe want to rebuild also. I get this by the fact that your husband is still living with you.

As mentioned many times before in this forum you and your husband should get into some 3rd party therapy. I know that you and your husband may not want to do that as it seems that your previous MC was not real successful. However, when you have two weakened people due to EAs then you have two people that can not do a good job of working through the initial phase of getting the relationship back on improving.

*If you do not get into some counseling with a third party then you have very little chance of getting a lot better.* You are both weak and needy and are looking to each other to meet your needs. Do you understand that two weak people do not equal one strong person? If you do not get into counseling I doubt very seriously that we on this forum will be enough for you and your husband to rebuild properly.

You mentioned that your husband made your life better by his Christian influence. Maybe you both need to get back to the Christian influence that made your lives better. Real Christianity starts with accountability, truth, trust, commitment, and forgiveness to name just a few. *If you and your husband are not going to be committed to your God you are not going to be committed to each other or your marriage.*

Stop looking to the weak people for your mess and get serious about your commitment to your God. He is stronger than two people that have damaged each other. There is hope for you and your husband with the right help


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