# New Here :)



## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Hi everyone! Just thought I would introduce myself. I've been seperated since December. I have 2 kids, both are girls. These last few months have been quite the emotional roller coaster. I felt I needed to find support from people going through this as well. Its nice to know I'm not alone.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hi Peeps, I'm sorry you are here. How old are your girls and how have they taken all this? My daughter is 5 and I am afraid she is going to take it really hard, she is a daddy's girl and I feel as if I have failed her. I hope your girls are doing well because that means there is hope for mine.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Rock On, Peeps.

:smthumbup:


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Nodespair...my girls are 8 and 5. My older one is having a hard time . My younger one has a really easygoing personality and doesn't seem to be phased much. The true test will be when we move in a month.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sorry you're here, Peeps, but you've come to the right place. Not only can you get some great counsel here that will help dry those tears of yours, but also some that will place a smile on your face! 

There's some great people here who are going through much the same thing that you are, who are more than receptive to helping you; and a lot of them will seek out your good counsel as well!

TAM is a two-way street! Welcome!


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> The true test will be when we move in a month.


Who's moving? You or the W and kids?


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> Who's moving? You or the W and kids?


My soon to be ex husband moved out if the house in dec. We are selling the home and I will be moving out with the kids once it sells. I can't afford it on my own.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Sorry, I thought you were the H in the equation. 

Care to share what got you two to this point?
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> Sorry, I thought you were the H in the equation.
> 
> Care to share what got you two to this point?
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To make a long story short..since having kids he pulled back a lot from the marriage. He started to work a second job and it became his priority, working 70+ hours per week. When he wasn't working, he wouldn't spend time with us. I would beg for him to cut back on his hours, but he refused. I finally told him it was either the marriage or the second job, so he quit the second job. He pulled back so much, i didnt even know who i was married to anymore. We went to counseling for 3 years to try to fix us, and my soon to be ex wouldnt open up. Finally the counselor gave up on us. He said until he opens up there is nothing more he can do. We were out of counseling for a year and still nothing changed. He wouldn't communicate, spend time as a family, or even show me he cared. Its been a rough few years. Since he's moved out I feel a lot of my stress is gone and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

There is much more to it, but didn't want to bore you guys. Lol


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

You wouldn't be boring us. The more details you can give, the better guidance we can provide.

Welcome to TAM.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

We are used to people starting their threads with a magnus opus of an OP. We don't bore easily.

Give as much or as little info as you are comfortable with. As Sky says though, the more you give, the better advice can be given in return.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> There is much more to it, but didn't want to bore you guys. Lol


Go ahead and fill us in... It always helps to get it out. And the more we know, the better advice we can give. 



Peeps678 said:


> Since he's moved out I feel a lot of my stress is gone and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


Hey, at least he's moved out... My Almost-Ex-Wife checked out a little more than a year ago, but only moved down to the spare bedroom in the basement. Ugh. If anything, it ended up making things worse.

If you need any specifically Illinoisan advice on the divorce process, let me know... I've necessarily done a lot of homework on the subject.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> Go ahead and fill us in... It always helps to get it out. And the more we know, the better advice we can give.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ohh a fellow Illinoisan...lol I might have to take you up on that. Lol

Basically it seems that once we got married he stopped trying with everything. I stopped getting Christmas gifts, bday presents, our anniversary always went forgotten, nothing was done for mother's day, etc. I'm not the kind of person who needs or wants extravagant gifts. All I wanted and needed was to feel cared about. I wanted to feel special, and I never got that from him. He was someone I would to anything for. When he was sick, I gave up my lunchbreak and went to the store and picked up things to help him feel better. A week later, I got what he had. I was throwing up and felt miserable. He was at his parents with the kids and when he got home, he was pissed at me because I didn't do HIS laundry. That same day I had to make the kids dinner because he was too lazy to do it. Anytime I got sick, that is how it was. 

I felt the last few years that all he wanted was sex. Its all he'd ever talk about or try with me. I had to cut him off because I got tired of feeling used. And now because of that, of course my mind is programmed that every guy only wants sex. I'm trying to reprogram in my head that not all guys are like that....at least I hope all guys aren't like that. Lol id like to think there are good guys out there. 

He would tell me he loved me, but never showed that he did. I always told him that actions speak louder than words. He never seemed to understand it.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> I felt the last few years that all he wanted was sex. Its all he'd ever talk about or try with me. I had to cut him off because I got tired of feeling used. And now because of that, of course my mind is programmed that every guy only wants sex. I'm trying to reprogram in my head that not all guys are like that....at least I hope all guys aren't like that. Lol id like to think there are good guys out there.


I feel ya, Peeps. 
Seems like thats all my stbxw wanted from me. 
I felt like a piece of meat, and had to get out.


Snopes.com has poo-pooed the idea that men think about sex every 7 seconds:

snopes.com: Every Seven Seconds Men Think About Sex

I agree, because I think about sex no more than every 30 seconds or so, lol.


Seriously:
How long have you been married?

What precipitated his moving out?

.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

old timer said:


> Sorry, I thought you were the H in the equation.
> 
> Care to share what got you two to this point?
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They say vision is the second thing to go.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> They say vision is the second thing to go.


I thought it was the sense of smell, lol.

(No avatars on mobile)

.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

old timer said:


> I feel ya, Peeps.
> Seems like thats all my stbxw wanted from me.
> I felt like a piece of meat, and had to get out.
> 
> ...


This past april would have been our 9th anniversary. We actually had talked and decided it would be best for him to leave first. This way the kids can finish out the school year at "their" school. He knew the stress wasn't good for anyone.

The final straw for me with leading up to him moving out, was that he went 3 months without paying the mortgage, and he didn't tell me. I found out from a letter through our bank. That pushed me over the edge.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Separated in December... You should be right about at your 6 month mark for an uncontested divorce. Have you talked to any lawyers yet? I presume you haven't filed yet?


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> Separated in December... You should be right about at your 6 month mark for an uncontested divorce. Have you talked to any lawyers yet? I presume you haven't filed yet?


Oh I filed in Jan. LOL We have our first court date next Friday.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Any idea what happened to the mortgage money?


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Any idea what happened to the mortgage money?


He "claims" it was to pay for other bills. I have no idea. Ive looked up bank statements and I never saw anything unusual. To this day I still have NO idea.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Peeps678 said:


> He "claims" it was to pay for other bills. I have no idea. Ive looked up bank statements and I never saw anything unusual. To this day I still have NO idea.


He spent it somewhere - or on someone.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> He spent it somewhere - or on someone.


I really don't think he'd spend it on someone. I can read him like the back of my hand, so I know it wasn't on someone. But on something for him...i can pretty much guarantee that. LOL He's a spender, not a saver.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> Oh I filed in Jan. LOL We have our first court date next Friday.


Right on. Have you got a lawyer yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> Right on. Have you got a lawyer yet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, got one in January as well. They have been awesome.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> Yeah, got one in January as well. They have been awesome.


Well, then, you're pretty much set. A few things to not forget...


Get your finances separated ASAP. Get your own bank account, and eliminate as many joint accounts as you can.
If your county has a court-sponsored class for divorcing parents (in my county it's called "K.I.D.S."), go sign up for it... the sooner, the better. They'll give lots of good advice on how to handle kids during a divorce.
Start keeping a "parenting journal"... A little diary of the time you spend spend with the kids and things you do to take care of them and keep house for them every day. You may or may not need it, but it'll be an extra little push with a judge if you can't agree on custody.
Do your homework... Learn as much as you can about Illinois's divorce laws, the process, the rules, and the timeline. It'll make things a lot easier on your lawyers, and you'll be prepared with a better idea of what to expect.
Don't go crazy, but get out and have a little fun, too, when you can... All work and no play makes Peeps a dull girl. 

How are the settlement negotiations going so far? Is STBXH being reasonable about it?


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> Well, then, you're pretty much set. A few things to not forget...
> 
> 
> Get your finances separated ASAP. Get your own bank account, and eliminate as many joint accounts as you can.
> ...


All accounts except for one are seperate. That was one of the first things we did. 

I have to take that kids first class still. My lawyer told me about an online one that dupage county offers that the judge has been accepting. I just have to pay for it. I'm registered though. 

I never thought of a parenting journal. That's an awesome idea, and its something to look back on years from now. I'll get one started today. 

I try to get out when I can, but unfortunately seem I have the kids 95% of the time and when I don't have them I'm usually working. But the last few times when it was his weekend with them, I didn't work so I actually did get out. Lol The tough part is finding people to hang out with since most of my friends are married, they are usually busy with their husbands.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Moving along quite nicely, Peeps. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> I try to get out when I can, but unfortunately seem I have the kids 95% of the time and when I don't have them I'm usually working. But the last few times when it was his weekend with them, I didn't work so I actually did get out. Lol The tough part is finding people to hang out with since most of my friends are married, they are usually busy with their husbands.


I hear you... I've got teens who can mostly take care of themselves, so it's a bit easier. It's harder to do with the younger kids.

And even so, for those of us residing toward the farther codependent/fixer end of the spectrum, if you leave the kids at home or with a sitter to go out... It's easy to feel _guilty_ and _selfish_ about it.

It took me quite a while to get over that sort of idea... I still feel it a little sometimes.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: New Here *



Peeps678 said:


> Oh I filed in Jan. LOL We have our first court date next Friday.


Lots of luck next Frjday !! One day it'll done and over !


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> I hear you... I've got teens who can mostly take care of themselves, so it's a bit easier. It's harder to do with the younger kids.
> 
> And even so, for those of us residing toward the farther codependent/fixer end of the spectrum, if you leave the kids at home or with a sitter to go out... It's easy to feel _guilty_ and _selfish_ about it.
> 
> It took me quite a while to get over that sort of idea... I still feel it a little sometimes.


Lol..do your teens babysit? Haha


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> Lol..do your teens babysit? Haha


My 13 year old daughter has a thriving babysitting business, as a matter of fact.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> My 13 year old daughter has a thriving babysitting business, as a matter of fact.


Does she travel? Lmao


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Peeps678 said:


> Does she travel?


Not yet... but I could ask. She might.


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