# Men! How do I hobby myself into happiness?



## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

Men, I have been told in order to get my wife's respect and love (sex) I must not be needy or too available. Also, in oder to block her nagging of me out I should take on hobbies. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I have a few talents I can get into and a few things I like.

How do you men think I should go about with my life to block out the lack of sex and respect I get from my wife? How should I go about living my life to become the best I should be on my own?

Thanks


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

A hobby or activity that takes you out of the house is a good one. Bike riding for instance would have multiple benefits. 

1. Gets you away from home which is probably where your resentment gets triggered the most. 
2. Will get you in better shape. 
3. Is enjoyable
4. Exercise calms the mind. 
5. Meet new people. In my area there is a biking organization that meets every week for organized rides together. You just show up at the appointed time and set off. They know all the best roads and have maps for them on their website.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Pump iron..gets you ripped, builds self confidence, makes you feel like a man, good stress relief


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> A hobby or activity that takes you out of the house is a good one. Bike riding for instance would have multiple benefits.
> 
> 1. Gets you away from home which is probably where your resentment gets triggered the most.
> 2. Will get you in better shape.
> ...


*Excellent advice! Thank you! But also, I have skills that would mean I have to do them at home. I guess I should lock myself in a man cave?*


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> Men, I have been told in order to get my wife's respect and love (sex) I must not be needy or too available. Also, in oder to block her nagging of me out I should take on hobbies. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I have a few talents I can get into and a few things I like.
> 
> How do you men think I should go about with my life to block out the lack of sex and respect I get from my wife? How should I go about living my life to become the best I should be on my own?
> 
> Thanks


Ok.
You are partially correct, but you should understand that the things you are about to do has absolutely no bearing on your wife's disposition.
Do not expect any miracle from her, she is responsible for HER attitude towards you, not you.

These things are for your own good. It's about making yourself into a better person and doing things that brings YOU happiness.

So whether its working out in the gym, meeting new people , joining some group , going dancing or whatever, its about you working to get your self esteem back up to a level you are satisfied with.

Somewhere along your journey you will have to decide how much longer you will accept disrespectful treatment , and the lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage from her.

It's about working on yourself so that if your marriage comes to an end, you would be in a good spot to cope , and move on with your life.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> *Excellent advice! Thank you! But also, I have skills that would mean I have to do them at home. I guess I should lock myself in a man cave?*


Not sure what you mean by skills. Like home improvement, carpentry, etc.?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

If it is home improvement skills I have a suggestion for that. Habitat for Humanity. Don't laugh. It gets you out of the house, meeting new people, and being useful. 

In my area (small metropolitan area of 200,000) they are building two houses at any given time. A licensed contractor acts as the foremen and volunteers of various skill levels show up to work. Of course you can't do any electrical work, but there's plenty to do for any skill level. 

The last time I went, I worked with my brother and an architecture student from the local university to cut and install fiber-cement siding on a two story house. We were climbing scaffolding and all of that fun stuff. 

A bunch of people there only had painting skills, but if you can measure and cut to a sixteenth you can get in on nearly everything.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> *Excellent advice! Thank you! But also, I have skills that would mean I have to do them at home. I guess I should lock myself in a man cave?*


No, don't make yourself totally inaccessible to her. That's not right. But do take some control over the situation by doing things for you to make you happier. At the same time, try to get some help for her and the both of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> *Excellent advice! Thank you! But also, I have skills that would mean I have to do them at home. I guess I should lock myself in a man cave?*


A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours doing date like things together that they both enjoy. So make sure you get that time with her.

Then yes take up things that you enjoy. Look for volunteer activities that use your skills. 

Find people who do the things you enjoy. Try Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup and see if there are things listed in your area that you would like to do.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours doing date like things together that they both enjoy. So make sure you get that time with her.
> 
> Then yes take up things that you enjoy. Look for volunteer activities that use your skills.
> 
> Find people who do the things you enjoy. Try Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup and see if there are things listed in your area that you would like to do.


From the sounds of it, the wife doesn't want to spend 15 hours a week with him.

What then?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

JCD said:


> From the sounds of it, the wife doesn't want to spend 15 hours a week with him.
> 
> What then?


Then they spend less than 15 hours together, ya think?

For some couples quality of time is more important than quantity of time, and for others visa-versa. 

I think she was speaking in general terms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JCD said:


> From the sounds of it, the wife doesn't want to spend 15 hours a week with him.
> 
> What then?


That's why I also suggest that he start doing things and work on himself.

The book "Divorce Busting" (another good one to read) talks about doing a 180. Not the 180 for cheating spouses we see here.. it's about a 180 that is designed to fix the situation at hand.

Here we have a man whose wife is treating him as a nusance underfoot. He reads "His Needs, Her Needs" to know his goal.

Then he gets busy, does things that interest him. She will most likely become more and more curious about what he's doing, where he's going and want to be part of it. 

He has to make himself a more interesting person, a better person and hopefully she will take note.

If she does not and still does not want to spend time with him then he will have spent his time well by improving himself. He's more likely to find an emotionally healthy woman the next time by being more emotionally fit himself.

You gotta read "Divorce Busting" to understand how and why this works and how to make a customized 180.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Then they spend less than 15 hours together, ya think?
> 
> For some couples quality of time is more important than quantity of time, and for others visa-versa.
> 
> I think she was speaking in general terms.


Of course it's general terms. Generally a couple need to spend at least 15 hours a week together. Some couples can get by with less, some with more.

It's a rule of thumb, a measure to start with.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> Men, I have been told in order to get my wife's respect and love (sex) I must not be needy or too available. Also, in oder to block her nagging of me out I should take on hobbies. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I have a few talents I can get into and a few things I like.
> 
> How do you men think I should go about with my life to block out the lack of sex and respect I get from my wife? How should I go about living my life to become the best I should be on my own?
> 
> Thanks


So are you doing this to earn her respect or for yourself?

I take it sex is lacking, you cannot change her and she will always find something wrong. That is a completely different issue from you growing as a person. You need do things that you enjoy. I started playing the cello 2+ years ago for me, not my wife. She enjoys it when I play but I don't do it for her. Her lack of desire is her issue not mine. I spent way too many thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours in counseling learning that. 

A bonus to what others have said about going to the gym is if you get ripped, attractive you might find a woman who really appreciates you for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to understand about being a beta male first, which is the real reason she's lost respect for you. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer, to figure out what we've been talking about.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Or maybe she's just emotionally cold and uncaring. Alpha/Beta is BS. 



turnera said:


> You need to understand about being a beta male first, which is the real reason she's lost respect for you. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer, to figure out what we've been talking about.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Weight lifting + motorcycle combo should crank up the manly factor. 

Setup a workshop/man cave in the garage so you can work on the art of manliness while also being around the house.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jd08 said:


> Alpha/Beta is BS.


Men who let women walk all over them is not BS.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

turnera said:


> You need to understand about being a beta male first, which is the real reason she's lost respect for you. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer, to figure out what we've been talking about.


No, she needs to love him because he is her husband and she promised to. This business that we need to be a different type of person for our spouse in order for them to love us is bunk! You figure that stuff out during the dating process. 

It's what we do for our spouses that show them our love, not who we are.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

ManOhMan2013 said:


> Men, I have been told in order to get my wife's respect and love (sex) I must not be needy or too available. Also, in oder to block her nagging of me out I should take on hobbies. This makes a whole lot of sense to me. I have a few talents I can get into and a few things I like.


I coped with a sexless marriage through hobbies and academic pursuits. I built custom rifles. I studied ancient languages. It made me a hulluva lot happier, but it left little time for her and in retrospect, probably didn't help the relationship at all.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

turnera said:


> Men who let women walk all over them is not BS.


People who walk all over other people are effed up.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

turnera said:


> You need to understand about being a beta male first, which is the real reason she's lost respect for you. Read Married Man Sex Life Primer, to figure out what we've been talking about.


This doesn't work at all for the truly LD woman. It had the opposite affect. Now we are totally sexless.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I coped with a sexless marriage through hobbies and academic pursuits. I built custom rifles. I studied ancient languages. It made me a hulluva lot happier, but it left little time for her and in retrospect, probably didn't help the relationship at all.


I am doing more things away from my wife. At the samr time, it takes away from time with my daughter. Being that my wife doesn't have a life away from our daughter, I don't do a whole lot with just my daughter. 

So Now that I work a little more and have other interest, it does little to repair our marriage. I am becoming a little happier away from my wife. I am getting more confident.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Viseral said:


> Weight lifting + motorcycle combo should crank up the manly factor.
> 
> Setup a workshop/man cave in the garage so you can work on the art of manliness while also being around the house.


I am solid muscle now from working out which increased my libido. My LD wife didn't like that one bit. The OP still more than likely talking about a LD wife. All the alpha manliness things anybody could do wouldn't increase to desire of a truly LD woman.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Turning to a hobby to "block" a nagging wife is just running. The solution to a nagging wife is to make it clear you aren't putting up with her disrespect. It also follows that you need to be doing the things you know you are supposed to do without being nagged. I do agree with not begging for sex and not rewarding a hateful or indifferent bat with your presence, but don't leave the house as a means of escape. That keeps her in charge. Leave confidently because that's what rational people do when exposed to a serially disrespectful, hateful person. Most sane people learn to behave as human beings or risk being alone. Giving a hateful, unpleasant, bat a little space reinforces that lesson. I would pick an activity I enjoyed and that would put me in the vicinity of women my wife envied. If a wife is tardy with the sex and serially disrespectful, it doesn't hurt for her to see a few hotties on the perimeter. Women are naturally competitive and nothing makes a man sexually interesting quite like having other women finding him sexually interesting. You don't have to flirt, don't have to rub it in your wife's nose. It's sufficient that she knows you have contact with attractive, pleasant, successful women and that you seem happy and content, whether she puts out or not, whether she tries to bust your testicles or not.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think you should buy a good camera setup and do bedouir photography.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is clearly tired of being the sole support of the family for 5 years. She may become totally ticked if you start devoting time to hobbies rather than pursuing a job. If anything, take up a hobby that will provide a little income. That will ease the situation.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> * I built custom rifles. I studied ancient languages.* .


I like the sound of that.
007 kinda stuff!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The approach is putting a band aid on a migraine.

Having and enforcing boundaries on disrespectful treatment is what ends disrespectful treatment.

At the same time of course, respect is earned in the first place by giving them something to respect. Am I to understand from an above post that there has been no employment for five years? 

If that is the source of a resentment and our intreped OP goes to a gym to flex in front of some hotties, it's just going to amplify that resentment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trickster said:


> This doesn't work at all for the truly LD woman. It had the opposite affect. Now we are totally sexless.


what I described is a lot different than just being macho or pushy or whatever. Being an alpha male means knowing what you want and believe in and not letting needing to please her (or anyone else) reduce that. that's what being an alpha male is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wiserforit said:


> Having and enforcing boundaries on disrespectful treatment is what ends disrespectful treatment.


 = Alpha Male


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is clearly tired of being the sole support of the family for 5 years. She may become totally ticked if you start devoting time to hobbies rather than pursuing a job. If anything, take up a hobby that will provide a little income. That will ease the situation.


Maybe i missed something but i dont recall him saying anything about being unemployed or needing a job.

To me it seems like he needs to focus on making himself happy, not relying on her to do it for him. You cant make other people happy until you yourself are happy, once hes is happy then he can work on the marriage. Either she will work towards a positive marriage or he will take his new happiness, confidence, friends and everything else with him and walk away from the marriage.

He has some work to do but at some point he will have done everything he can reasonably be expected to do to save the marriage at that point its his wife who will decide the final fate of the marriage. As others have stated, it doesnt matter how manly, how confident or how many times he pulls a 180 if she is a LD wife there is little to nothing he can do besides move on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/104650-i-dont-know-what-do-anymore.html


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...73-help-wife-continues-nag-spite-my-pain.html


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

jd08 said:


> Or maybe she's just emotionally cold and uncaring. Alpha/Beta is BS.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell that to a family unit of gorillas! Of which we are not that far genetically removed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

My main hobby is bicycling. I do it to get away from the house. I find that it has multiple benefits. First, I get in better shape. Two, it gets me away from the wife and the incessant planning. Three, it gives me sanity and something to talk about. This hobby has helped my marriage in that it gives me an outlet for my restlessness and makes our time together more of a precious commodity.


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