# Help wanted, becoming a better man



## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

Hi there, I need some advice, 

My wife and i sometimes have a dry spell in our sexlife. The causes are work, kids, different routines etc. All very logical. 

But i often feel really rejected, and then i feel depressed en withdraw from her. I tend to be passive aggresive. 

( this comes from my past, bad time growing up etc, really deeply in my system ) 

My behavior does not help, i know. But it's like my fall out system. 

Why can't i change it! Why can't i be the better man and make my wife want me.. 

How can i change ? and dont take thing personal, i dont want te be weak. I know my wife thinks i take thing personaly so she does mention it to me when she tired etc. 

But i find it so hard to grow ! 

I want to be that ;
strong, funny, attractive, husband and not that needy cranky guy, 

Any tips anyone ?! 

Thanks Axler


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Axler,
Tell me the most important thing that you need to change in your view.

Kind Regards

Jacko Jack


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Reattract your wife 

1. Don't hang so much of your happiness on your wife's hook. It is a burden and turn off for her. 
2. Leaders lead with optimism and that is attractive 
3. Followers pout when their leader (your wife) goes in a direction they don't like and are not rewarded by
4. Decide to set a positive direction not follow a negative one
5. Take responsibility for causing the reactions from your wife that you want
6. Realize pouting isn't attractive
7. Examine what she would expect when your wife lets you down and do the exact opposite positive behavior

Example on 6, your wife rejects you. 

You: "I am going to hit the gym for a bit. Did you want to go for a walk (or lunch) when I get back or shall I see if my friend blanket blank wants to go? 

You: Call a friend or family member to catch up or tackle some prject you have been meaning to knock out. 

You: Think about others and making their day instead of what you didn't get. 

You: Do anything psotive for yourself that your wife wont expect

You: Whatever you do, don't be negative

You: Make a list of all things that make you happy (release endorphins) and do them immediately after rejection every time. 

You: Have a plan what positive thing you will do if you are rejected and do it immediately after rejection to lift out of the pouting

Everything you do for and to empower yourself is to reattract your wife. When she is attracted to your strength and positive energy, you will get laid more often and it will continue to increase. 

It takes about two weeks if it's the first time you have done this. If you have done so before and you have backslid it takes about double that each time. 

The best part, everything you do that is positive and empowering for yourself is a double benefit. Your life will be better and your wife will find you more attractive. 

Take the power over your own happiness back from your wife's willingness and interest in putting out for you and take full responsibility to create the feelings of sensual desire for you in your wife. Being pouty wont work. Being your own man will likely do it. 

If she does not respond after a valiant effort by you to be a strong, self-empowered man FOR YOURSELF then you will be in a position to decide if you deserve better and if you ought to move on to a better life with someone else

Google "How to cure passive-aggressive behavior" and read the first ten entries. 

Men are problem solvers and boys pout. Man up and solve the problem. Start with research, then make a plan and get to work.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Great first steps! 

You recognize this is a problem for you/accept that this is your responsibility and not "all her fault." You WANT to change.

Now you learn how the passive aggressive behavior expresses itself within you.

You've a,ready started on the next steps: Is it every time you don't get what you want? Is it when you feel hurt, feel attacked? Is it with everyone or just a few? How do you normally handle minor conflict? How do you handle major conflict?

Honestly, it's best to work with a therapist/counselor on this because they will be more able to recognize patterns than you might. Talking it over with someone will speed up this process and teach you much healthier ways to respond to conflict.

You could use a journal for you eyes only. 
Today I felt hurt/attacked/discounted/marginalized when.... 
This is was how I responded.... 
This is what I wish I had done instead...
There is still time to respond better by....
I can't fix the past but I can recognize and own when I didn't respond the way I wish I had.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

awareness is the first step. you are already there.

then begins the hard work of stopping your passive aggressive self, reminding your self constantly and working at it.

think of it like a couch potato that wants to get in shape. you've got the beer belly, so one day you realize 'i've got to get in shape!' and really mean it. that's the first step. then the hard work comes. hitting the gym. sticking to it. working at it. 

passive aggressive doesn't change in a day. take it from a guy who is. you've got to constantly talk to yourself. every time you want to throw the 'ol AG at her, fight it, resist it and do the opposite (talk is one thing). you won't make it every time. sometimes you will 'sort of'. other times you will fail.
sometimes you will win. little by little you will train yourself to fight it off.

that's how it goes.


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

Thanks for you're advice! This is really helpful! I will get back with the response. But it does require a lot of work from my part! 




YupItsMe said:


> Reattract your wife
> 
> 1. Don't hang so much of your happiness on your wife's hook. It is a burden and turn off for her.
> 2. Leaders lead with optimism and that is attractive
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

First off, I think it's important to start feeling good about yourself. If you need to lose weight or gain muscle, do it. Buy some new clothes. Do what needs to be done at your home. Doing these things will set you up for success. In other words, it will be easier to succeed.
The words I live by are "Speak to ourselves more, listen to ourselves less." When you start feeling slighted or feel angry or needy, leave. Go somewhere and think about what just happened and why it happened. Cool off. Perhaps there is a situation you need to address, but you cannot address it in a needy, passive aggressive state of mind. You need time to reflect. Once you have gotten to a level mind, go back and either address an obvious fault or let it go.
More often than not, there is nothing to address other than your own neediness. 
In this case, simply work on yourself. Try to find happiness in and of yourself. When your wife fell in love with you, she fell in love with just YOU. Become that same independent man she fell in love with. Be confident in and of yourself.

Chicks dig a self confident, self assured, self controlled man with a plan!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

axler said:


> ...Why can't i change it! Why can't i be the better man and make my wife want me..
> 
> How can i change ? and dont take thing personal, i dont want te be weak. I know my wife thinks i take thing personaly so she does mention it to me when she tired etc.
> 
> ...


You have gotten great advice. You also understand your role in your problems and seem motivated to change yourself

May I suggest some reading material and exercises.

First, Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, so that you can learn how to make your wife and children feel loved in THEIR LOVE LANGUAGES, not yours. Also so you can guide and advise your wife into what she needs to go so that you will feel truly loved IN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES.

Second, Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, so you will better understand how you need to grow as a man and some of the things you can do to achieve that, along with what might have held back this development. Stopping being a Nice Guy is not about becoming a jerk, but about becoming an integrated MAN. 

It is about you getting a life that is worth living and being a role model to your wife and children. Traditionally, in "Getting a Life," one exercises, looses weight and does sports things that are truly beyond what one (and one's spouse) things you are capable of. These are sports or hobbies you use to do or always dreamed of doing. Things that make you feel good about yourself and who you have become. 

For me it was loosing weight, running half marathons, bicycling 200 mile rides, rock climbing mountains, lifting weights to develop upper body strength and reading tons of relationship books to better understand and interact with people and my wife.

Another part of my transition was self-hypnosis, visualizations, and affirmations. This helped with the weight-loss, the motivation to exercise regularly, and with my self image and an adult male worthy of love from a good woman. Visualize what you want, tell yourself you are worthy of it and deserve it and it just might happen. 

The adivce you have gotten on not putting the burden of your happiness on your wife was very important. Do things that make you feel good. One of my primary love languages is touch. My wife is not into touching me very much, so because of all my exercising I have been getting weekly 90 minute massages. That makes me feel good on so many levels and helps me in my athletic recovery.

Another suggestion, is to divide up you physical goals into stages, plot your daily/weekly progress, and then reward yourself for meeting goals. For example, after I lost a certain amount of weight, I rewarded myself with stylish new cloothes that fit my body. After I ran my first half marathon, I purchased some specially running outfits and training jackets. After I did a number of long bike rides, I purchased as a reward a new lightweight carbon fiber endurance bike. After I did a 50 mile bike ride, I went in to a physical therapist and got a professional bike fit (far better than the one for the new bike at the bike store) and training program based on my fitness level. 

Good luck.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

When you feel rejected and withdraw, it is a huge turn off for her. It turns the loss of sex into even more loss of sex.

Iv been thru it too. You just gotta fight it and show her it doesn't bother you. Even if it does, and it will. But she can never know.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you in shape? Lean? Strong shoulders?

Read Bagdon and neuklas


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How long are the dry spells? Do you try to initiate sex and then get rejected? How many times in a row does she say no? How often do you try to initiate sex? How often does she?


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## JustHuman (Jan 30, 2015)

I was able to cut 90% of pouting by focusing on myself, exercising, taking better care of how I look, clothes etc.

regarding neuklas, btw, where is neuklas' thread, I was learning a lots from it but can't find it anymore


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

Thanks a lot for al you're responses ! They really help a lot. 

The dry spells last for two weeks or so. 

For me its hard to fight te voices in my mind. I feel hurt so i dont want to connect anymore. But deep down i know that my behavior doesnt help the situation. It only makes things worse. 

My wife is more passive and reactive. That's something i got to accept.. And i'm very HD. 

But how to cope with 'my HD ? How do you Men and Women cope with that. I find it hard to channel my energy


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you could benefit from reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Not to be glib, but wacking off like crazy during the dry spells may be the only good way.


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