# Vaginal soreness after sex...



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Obviously, some folks are very rough and how rough your sex is is very subjective... But, I think it would be difficult for someone to describe me as rough. I think I am the opposite of rough, and my wife never suggested that I was. But, after sex the last few times, my wife has said the next day that she is very sore. Too sore for sex. I certainly want to respect that, but in light of all the made up excuses to avoid sex in the past, it's hard for me to accept another unprovable excuse when I was not rough at all and we didn't have any injuries at the time. Lots of couples have sex every day and even multiple times a day. And once she was riding me for 5 minutes before I climaxed and she said she was sore the next evening after that. That made me suspicious as to whether she was exaggerating to avoid sex. Is this typical? Is there something I may be doing wrong? When you have sex more frequently, do women build up some endurance? We have had sex VERY infrequently the last year (still under 10 for the year). And, I don't think lack of lubrication is the problem. We use lube when necessary, but usually, nature takes care of it. Also, she can have, what look like mind-blowingly amazing orgasms where it looks like every muscle in her body is forcefully contracting. I was thinking maybe this is making her sore? If so, that is probably muscle soreness and gets better with more frequency, right? Just like exercising more?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Not always. How old is your wife? Where is she sore, exactly. Is it muscular or is it a burning sensation in and around her vagina?

Friction burns: 
-I always thought using lube was like using water wings in the pool. But then I started to need lube and I went through a LOT of different brands, they all burned afterward, until I found coconut oil. So my suggestion is to buy a jar of coconut oil and use it every single time. You may not think it's needed, but it will help with friction burns.
- does she shave her entire pubic area? Sometimes as the hair grows out it can cause friction burns.
- do you shave your pubic area? 
-my H can only go down on me if we are both freshly shaved. Other wise one of us will end up with friction burns...although he doesn't mind the one around his lips as much as I mind the one around my labia.

Muscle spasms: you suggest that like exercise... well not exactly. At certain times during a cycle, an orgasm could trigger cramps. But if she were having muscle spasms they would begin during or shortly after penetration. So feeling sore the next day doesn't sound like muscle spasms.

The bottom line is your wife is avoiding sex. Does she want to have sex? If so she will see a doctor about cramps or muscle spasms. If so, she will be happy to make sure coconut oil is close by to avoid soreness the next day. If she isn't interested in seeing a doctor or using lube, she is simply avoiding sex and avoiding being honest with you about why.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yes it's common and many possible causes. Such infrequent sex could be an issue. Add a little anxiety and that could cause more issues. Inadequate foreplay or arrousal for other reasons (anxiety) might cause her not to adequately expand to acomodate you. Lubes and all the things AP said.

My W doesn't enjoy PIV for many reasons but it's gotten better through all kinds of little things. But still it is not comfortable much of the time. She has avoided dealing with it because it's embarrassing perhaps or she is hoping it goes away. But we have frequent sex so she is emotionally there. It's just difficult and you have to work together to deal with it.

Why only 10 times this year? I think that's the bigger question. If it's discomfort then take the pressure off by saying you'll limit PIV for a while and instead focus on much more frequent intimacy via HJ, BJ, toys, etc. Focus on the connection and remove the pressure, then you can start to explore the PIV issue as a team once your sex life has improved 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> But, after sex the last few times, my wife has said the next day that she is very sore. Too sore for sex.


There are a great deal of things that can be going on, and it is best you take your wife at her word instead of trying to accuse her of lying just to avoid sex. 

Ask her if she would be interested in just oral or manual stimulation just to see if that helps?

If so and she really enjoys that without any soreness here are some possible culprits:


Fibroid tumors around, near, or in her cervical area
Prolapsed Uterus from recent child birth
Hernia
Chronic issues with infection (yeast or other natural flora out of balance)
Reaction to your semen (if she is still has inflammation related to her cycle or an infection)

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If I was that sore after non rough sex, I'd be making an appt with Dr as soon as possible to find the cause. Has she made an appointment???


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Not always. How old is your wife?


40



Anon Pink said:


> Where is she sore, exactly. Is it muscular or is it a burning sensation in and around her vagina?


Thanks Anon, you always have great advice and ask probing questions  So, I actually asked her!  She surprised me and said this time it's her legs that are sore. It's always been the vagina before, so I apologize if I misled you and others here. She said she was sore and suggested no sex that night, so I assumed the vagina again. Honestly, we still don't talk about sex very openly. Here is what she told me, "remember when you started out doing that thing you like and I was on my knees for a while doing the other thing? That's when it happened..." That is literally how her side of the conversation goes... so, I am embarrassed to say that I was definitely wrong about it being in the vagina again. If I understand her correctly now, I think she is saying that she was sore in her legs after being on her knees giving me a blow job. She wanted me to have an orgasm on my birthday, but it didn't work because of my sexual dysfunction. 



Anon Pink said:


> Friction burns:
> -I always thought using lube was like using water wings in the pool. But then I started to need lube and I went through a LOT of different brands, they all burned afterward, until I found coconut oil. So my suggestion is to buy a jar of coconut oil and use it every single time. You may not think it's needed, but it will help with friction burns.


Great advice. She has very sensitive skin. We have some coconut oil and we use it sometimes. But, ours is a liquid. You mention a "jar". Is yours a paste? 



Anon Pink said:


> - does she shave her entire pubic area? Sometimes as the hair grows out it can cause friction burns.


No, she does not shave or wax the pubic area. Trims to about 1/2"



Anon Pink said:


> - do you shave your pubic area?


Yes, daily, but when she gave me a BJ a month ago, she said it was stubbly and suggested I stop shaving it. I think there was like a pubic 5 o'clock shadow... I guess it was stubbly, but I don't know that I understood her on this because her lips never got that close to the base of my penis where the stubble might be. Again, we are not effectively communicating... sorry. 



Anon Pink said:


> -my H can only go down on me if we are both freshly shaved.


I asked her once if she would shave her pubic area. She responded by saying "that's what a pedophile would want, why would you want that?" It pissed me off and I have never mentioned it since. I now believe that this was one of her hangups that she is working through. 



Anon Pink said:


> The bottom line is your wife is avoiding sex. Does she want to have sex? If so she will see a doctor about cramps or muscle spasms. If so, she will be happy to make sure coconut oil is close by to avoid soreness the next day. If she isn't interested in seeing a doctor or using lube, she is simply avoiding sex and avoiding being honest with you about why.


She would never see a doctor and discuss anything about sex. She is incapable of that. She gets mad when I ask her to talk to her doctor about anything related to sex. But, I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt, given that it's a new area of soreness, but I do agree that both of us need to be aware of friction and pain and address it right when it happens. Sometimes I think she doesn't want to lose momentum to get more lube.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Why only 10 times this year? I think that's the bigger question. Focus on the connection and remove the pressure, then you can start to explore the PIV issue as a team once your sex life has improved


You're right. Our lost connection is definitely at the core of our problems...


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> If I was that sore after non rough sex, I'd be making an appt with Dr as soon as possible to find the cause. Has she made an appointment???


Thanks Livvie! It's helpful to know that recurring vaginal soreness 1 or 2 days after sex is not normal.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> 40
> 
> Thanks Anon, you always have great advice and ask probing questions  So, I actually asked her!  She surprised me and said this time it's her legs that are sore. It's always been the vagina before, so I apologize if I misled you and others here. She said she was sore and suggested no sex that night, so I assumed the vagina again. Honestly, we still don't talk about sex very openly. Here is what she told me, "remember when you started out doing that thing you like and I was on my knees for a while doing the other thing? That's when it happened..." That is literally how her side of the conversation goes... so, I am embarrassed to say that I was definitely wrong about it being in the vagina again. If I understand her correctly now, I think she is saying that she was sore in her legs after being on her knees giving me a blow job. She wanted me to have an orgasm on my birthday, but it didn't work because of my sexual dysfunction.
> 
> ...


Before my awakening, I was horribly uncomfortable talking about sex and would not ever say I liked this or didn't like that. I know I frustrated the hell out of my husband, so I kinda feel your pain but in the reverse way.:grin2:

Trying to come up with some way..back before my awakening if my husband had...
1 gently talked to me about how important it was to talk about sex. Not talk about sex, but talk about how important it is for couples to clearly communicate to each other, and that includes cleaning communicating about sex. "Honey, baby, sugar pie.." cause you have to do this gently "I know you're uncomfortable talking about sex but I think it's really important we communicate clearly. I want us to have a great sex life" (and be prepared for her to be upset because you don't think the current sex life is great and this it is all her fault) "but that won't happen unless we can easily talk about sex with each other."

2. Ask her how she feels a day or so after she says she is sore. With a sexy smile tell her to go lay down so you can massage the soreness away. And massage the soreness away but don't press for sex, not at this point. Using pure unrefined coconut oil, which is solid like crisco or margarine has a melting point of 77^ Massage her gently and then go take care of your erection alone. Don't hide it, but don't do it right in front of her. Tell her your reaction is normal and healthy (.because women like your wife think men are sex fiends) but you won't have sex with her if she's not feeling it.

Don't do these things once or twice do them once or twice a week. Don't get mad or pout. Keep a confident air about you and insist she get used to talk about talking about sex.
"How did your family discuss sex?" 
"Have you felt ashamed of your sexuality?"
"Do you sometimes wish you had a stronger desire to have sex more frequently or do you generally think my desire is too strong?"

This is talking about talking about sex. Once she can do this relatively painlessly, move on to actual sex discussions.
"When I asked you to shave you reacted pretty negatively and it felt like you were trying to shame me about a bare vulva. Pubic hair is the only hair you can do all kinds of wacky things and no one ever knows.... how about an arrow?"

Damn book already. Just because your wife is silent doesn't mean it's healthy or okay. Do not allow her or anyone to shame you about desiring sex or desiring discussions about sexually.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Honestly? My guess is it could be a hormonal problem. That's what I think is wrong with me anyway and I'm having the same problem. The pain I have begins immediately after sex and lasts 1-2 days. It feels muscular in nature...not a skin thing. It's a sore feeling similar to how your body feels when you have the flu. Very uncomfortable. But only in the pelvic region. 

She does need to tell her doctor, but they may not be of much help. I've told two different doctors about it and both have told me (after testing me for basic issues like std or infection) that it's normal as you get older and has to do with the vaginal walls thinning as you age. 

I also struggle mentally with the pain and now the anticipation of the pain, and that makes me want to avoid sex entirely. When you know it's going to hurt you for a day or two afterward, it's not fun.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

kag123 said:


> Honestly? My guess is it could be a hormonal problem. That's what I think is wrong with me anyway and I'm having the same problem. The pain I have begins immediately after sex and lasts 1-2 days. It feels muscular in nature...not a skin thing. It's a sore feeling similar to how your body feels when you have the flu. Very uncomfortable. But only in the pelvic region.
> 
> She does need to tell her doctor, but they may not be of much help. I've told two different doctors about it and both have told me (after testing me for basic issues like std or infection) that it's normal as you get older and has to do with the vaginal walls thinning as you age.
> 
> I also struggle mentally with the pain and now the anticipation of the pain, and that makes me want to avoid sex entirely. When you know it's going to hurt you for a day or two afterward, it's not fun.


See a physical therapist and get an rx from your doctor for estrogen cream.

OMG it SO pisses me off when doctors act as if the aging process and the subsequent sex problems are something we should just accept! No! What is the point of extending our life span if we have to give up on healthy joints, healthy movement, and healthy sex life! No! Pain and aging are NOT synonymous!

Do not go gently...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> See a physical therapist and get an rx from your doctor for estrogen cream.
> 
> OMG it SO pisses me off when doctors act as if the aging process and the subsequent sex problems are something we should just accept! No! What is the point of extending our life span if we have to give up on healthy joints, healthy movement, and healthy sex life! No! Pain and aging are NOT synonymous!
> 
> Do not go gently...


I agree. My grandparents were having sex well into their 80's. 

I recommend you get some arnica. It's a homopathic remedy that works surprisingly well for muscle soreness. You can't eat anything for 30 before or 15 minutes after taking it. Buy tablets that you put under the tongue. Amazing stuff. It also works for skin abrasions. It reduces swelling, bruising, and helps speed healing.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

We still don't even know for sure if the pain is fact, or if it is an excuse..


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Multiple orgasms can leave me sore the next day with my fiance, tbh. More like an inner dull ache/muscle soreness. It's not excruciating or anything, but annoying because it's a dull pain that is just ''there'' for most of the next day. If you feel that she is using this as an excuse to not have sex, maybe just have a sincere conversation with her, and ask her why she avoids sex if she seems to enjoy it when you do have it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. My grandparents were having sex well into their 80's.
> 
> 
> 
> I recommend you get some arnica. It's a homopathic remedy that works surprisingly well for muscle soreness. You can't eat anything for 30 before or 15 minutes after taking it. Buy tablets that you put under the tongue. Amazing stuff. It also works for skin abrasions. It reduces swelling, bruising, and helps speed healing.




Sadly I asked my parents about their sex like and my dads erections since he had some limited radiation treatment for prostate cancer (radioactive "seeds" implanted specifically to minimize disruption of function) and they said a heart Med my dad went on 10-15 years ago messed that up (don't know the exact words). He's 86 and I know was sexually active prior to that. But the way they talked they have dealt with it so I didn't pursue it further.

Anyway I'm glad I was forward -i want to be able to talk openly with my kids about sex so why not start with your parents?

And here we have a young OP still just starting the dialog. But I'm not being critical or dismissive OP - your situation is, unfortunately, normal.

I wish more folks were like Ms Holland or Anon Pink (if you could file off the obtuse outer layer  ). Sorry to poke AP but your militancy is trying at times with us older folks who accept that we are who we are and let the younger kids be freer with these things


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Livvie said:


> We still don't even know for sure if the pain is fact, or if it is an excuse..


You're right, but I want to believe that there is some nugget of truth. Like, maybe it is a little sore, but she exaggerates it to use as an excuse to avoid sex that I believe she is not interested in anyway. She has said in therapy that she likes sex. I believed her for most of our marriage despite many conflicting signs. Now, I draw my conclusions based on her actions primarily and now I don't believe her when she says she wants sex. She has to SHOW ME she wants it. But, I just feel like she avoids me constantly. That's the opposite of what I wanted in marriage. I wanted someone I could tell anything to without judgement. I wanted a partner that would support me completely like I do with her. Everything changed when she told me to stop seeking doctors to try to overcome my sexual dysfunction. She called me obsessive. At that moment, I felt alone and everything changed for me. I knew I had to do this myself and that I could not count on her support. I tried to avoid the assumption that my having a sexual dysfunction, in her mind, solves all her problems. That she thinks-- now he won't bug me for affection all the time -- great! But I can't escape it. It makes the most sense to me. She seems to be trying to change and help now, but I can't get past what she said and did. 

One thing I still don't understand is orgasms and her sex drive. Orgasms are the greatest experience I have ever had. So, I thought giving my wife amazing orgasms would make her want to initiate more. So, I read books, blogs, and bought toys. I definitely figured it out for her. I can give her orgasms every time she wants. But that leading to her initiation of sex seems to be my projection because she still never initiates (with the exception of my birthday). That is what I would do if the roles were reversed, initiate more and reciprocate. Since it doesn't work, I wonder whether I'm missing something with her. 


Sorry, sometimes, I think my situation is just too complicated to post on TAM. And I don't have much information to offer. But, I do appreciate all the advice. I have certainly tried much of it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Many of your problems are commonly discussed here so don't hesitate to post.

You dumped a lot on the last post.

Re sexual disfunction - how long and how bad? Unfortunately I think it's common for men to not get the support they need from their spouse as many women don't really realize that sex is integral to many men's sense of self and masculinity. And that lack of support can translate into a lack of support for the person and therefore a lack of feelings or love

But many women really don't get the role sex plays for many / most men. I'd suggest His Needs Her Needs - it's a very easy to read book and might enlighten you about how your W thinks. Sex hardly ranks as an important need for many women but is at the top of the list for many men. Financial security and talking / communicating are at the top of the list for women but not men.

The book helped my W see my view of sex differently and she became very supportive. It simply isn't a need for her - probably like your W. It helped me understand that texting back quickly, ducking out of meetings when she calls, little emoji texts - all make her feel connected to be in a way that it doesn't for me. So check out the book and see if that doesn't help.

My W also turns down Os all the time if she doesn't want to get to aroused to sleep (women's arousal time period can last up to an hour). So that too took me a long time to accept and I still don't fully understand it. She never initiates - says she will but doesn't. But that's ok - now I understand it is stressful for her but it doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy sex. 

For years I didn't initiate all that much because she never showed signs of wanting sex. Now I understand she has responsive desire, so I initiate and we try to do something every day and she has learned that she really enjoys it so we are past that hurdle. Lots of NSA sex for me during the week when she may not want an O but it works and my high needs are lovingly met.

So don't lose hope -there is a lot you can do over time to fix this. And as I said above, a lot of your assumptions may be wrong if she has responsive desire. She can still pleasure you many ways with ED and might come to find she enjoys that.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Re sexual disfunction - how long and how bad? Unfortunately I think it's common for men to not get the support they need from their spouse as many women don't really realize that sex is integral to many men's sense of self and masculinity. And that lack of support can translate into a lack of support for the person and therefore a lack of feelings or love


That sums it up well. Particularly the sense of self and masculinity. It's been 2 years now. My dysfunction is a bit different than most and I believe far worse and better. I usually avoid the details to avoid possibly being identified. But as time wears on, I open up more. I had a routine procedure go very badly and it damaged the nerves to my genitals, so I can't feel them. It's like they are not even there. I call it a neurological emasculation, because I don't think PDOD fully describes what my injury is. So, I lost the ability to feel anything on the genitals during sex. When I have sex with my wife, it's like I am watching someone else having sex with her, because I feel nothing. Since the damaged nerve does not control erection and ejaculation, those still work all on their own. When I ejaculate, I can feel the muscles contracting, so I know it's happening, but there is no pleasurable feeling from orgasm. Imagine it like having your penis cut off and trying to have an orgasm with a strap on dildo. With ED, men can still have orgasms while flaccid, and can still pleasure their partner effectively with toys and devices. And with ED, there are medications and even surgery. You could easily make the case that penis implants are an upgrade because you can maintain an erection for as long as you want. I have no such options. The only positive I have over ED is that I can still pleasure my wife through PIV. I can still enjoy seeing her have an orgasm with me inside her. That helps me feel more masculine. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> ... I'd suggest His Needs Her Needs - it's a very easy to read book... So check out the book and see if that doesn't help.


Done, it arrives Saturday. I'll sit down with her and we'll talk about both of us reading it. If she won't read it, I will and I'm sure our therapist will help me convince her. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> So don't lose hope -there is a lot you can do over time to fix this.


Too late... I've already lost hope. To top it all off, we'd started marriage counseling 3 months before my injury because I was tired of living in a sexless marriage and didn't want to waste more of my life not enjoying it fully with a partner. So I have an f---ing Mount Everest of resentment toward her... I've been told by a lot of folks that it was not her fault that I got injured. That's true, but it was her fault that our marriage was sexless. She has since apologized for that, but I can't ever get it back. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> And as I said above, a lot of your assumptions may be wrong if she has responsive desire.


I agree. I am constantly questioning my assumptions. I think she does have responsive desire. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> She can still pleasure you many ways with ED and might come to find she enjoys that.


You're right about ED. Unfortunately, the pleasure of an orgasm is the one thing I may never have again, no matter how hard I try. Whether I can live with that is still TBD. Thanks for the support.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> I agree. My grandparents were having sex well into their 80's.
> 
> I recommend you get some arnica. It's a homopathic remedy that works surprisingly well for muscle soreness. You can't eat anything for 30 before or 15 minutes after taking it. Buy tablets that you put under the tongue. Amazing stuff. It also works for skin abrasions. It reduces swelling, bruising, and helps speed healing.


Arnica is great for sore muscles. 

You can also get it as a topical cream in any health food store or on amazon. The cream would (obviously) not work vaginally, but if the problem was sore muscles in the thighs and sore knees then it would work great for those areas.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

sixty-eight said:


> Arnica is great for sore muscles.


Done. Arrives Monday. Sounds good. I might use it myself too.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> Obviously, some folks are very rough and how rough your sex is is very subjective... But, I think it would be difficult for someone to describe me as rough. I think I am the opposite of rough, and my wife never suggested that I was. But, after sex the last few times, my wife has said the next day that she is very sore. Too sore for sex.


Why are you expecting sex the very next day from her when you clearly state in your post that you hardly had sex more than 10 times last year? What makes you think she'd want sex every day?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@wantshelp I checked out of TAM for a few days and didn't see your post. I'm sorry to hear about your plight - I really have nothing to offer that might help. I understand the resentment you have and I don't know how you get past that. I hope HNHN helps your W better understand and support you. Keep posting as you work through this. Maybe start a new thread about the relationship if that discussion continues.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why are you expecting sex the very next day from her when you clearly state in your post that you hardly had sex more than 10 times last year? What makes you think she'd want sex every day?


Why? Because she told me she has changed. Although I am hopeful, I am not delusional. We have not had sex 2 days in a row in probably a decade. I'm not expecting that to change, but I am hoping. 

After years of counseling, my wife (and therapist) asked me to give her another chance and that counseling has changed her. She says that she sees now that her hang-ups were unfairly projected onto me. She did months of EMDR and IC to get past it. And after 7 months of complete self-imposed abstinence, they convinced me to make a new effort to make our marriage work. So, yes, I was expecting things to be different. I told her that after rejecting me thousands of times through our marriage and me RARELY rejecting her, I will literally file for divorce if she does it again. I am totally past my breaking point on this. I would have been thrilled with sex 3 times a week. I probably would have been OK with once a week, if it was good. But now she has to prove to me that she has changed. She said in therapy that she loves having sex and really enjoys it. I think she is a liar. During therapy, when she says that 'she likes having sex', it looks completely forced. Like she thinks she has to say that or else it's over for us, which it would be true. I think she is only interested in my support. I no longer believe anything she says and only make judgements based on her actions now. I don't believe someone that loves you would treat their partner the way she has treated me. So, after years of neglect, and the more recent failure to support me through my injury, I have fallen out of love. I don't see her the same way at all. I am no longer attracted to her at all. I look at her and all I think about is that she is a cold, heartless, selfish person that pretends to be kind. I don't feel like "I am my beloved and my beloved is mine" like we said to each other when we got married 15 years ago. So, at this point she needs to show me that she truly loves me and wants to be affectionate. I am hoping that she's having an awakening of her own. If she can make me believe it, maybe there is hope for us to get past this, but she is skating on very thin ice. At this point, we're at the holidays, and I don't want to move to divorce during the holidays, so I am trying not to think about it and continuing to try... 

I absolutely hate my life with her. When she left me alone with the kids for a week, we had a blast. They did their chores and homework, and we played video games and watched movies. I was hoping she would never come back. I certainly didn't miss her. And the kids wouldn't answer when she came home and asked if they missed her. Why? Because they too felt a huge relief. My wife's anxiety brings down the whole house and they feel it. Keeping up with the house was actually easier without her. So, what's there to miss? Sometimes I think she is more of a roommate sapping the life out of me. If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would be relieved that it's all over. 

Sorry for all that. I am in a bad place and I really could use the support of a caring, loving wife. Too bad I don't have that.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @wantshelpI'm sorry to hear about your plight - I really have nothing to offer that might help. I understand the resentment you have and I don't know how you get past that. I hope HNHN helps your W better understand and support you. Keep posting as you work through this. Maybe start a new thread about the relationship if that discussion continues.


Thanks. Yeah, I really need to find a new purpose in life. I am pessimistic about having sexual fulfillment in this (or any) marriage. I am broken and I really need a partner that will help me tape myself together and help me get back up to live life in a new way. 

Also, there were two HNHN books. I got the one with the subtitle about building an affair proof marriage. There was another that was for parents but it had one less star on Amazon.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> I am no longer attracted to her at all. I look at her and all I think about is that she is a cold, heartless, selfish person that pretends to be kind...
> 
> ...I absolutely hate my life with her.


Believe it or not, vaginas are extremely sensitive and often pick up on stuff like this. While men often can not see a correlation between negative emotional baggage and physical soreness in the vagina that may occur during or after sex, there is definitely a correlation. 

This also tends to give credence to the idea that many women have about male sexuality: That the male urge for sex is spontaneous and attributed to nothing. After a period of time it continues building and a man will even be willing to have sex with a woman that he is no longer attracted to her because she is a cold, heartless, selfish and he absolutely hates his life with her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like she needs to pick out a good quality lubricant and use it every time. A lot of women hessitate to use lubricant, even if they really need it.


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