# Jut curious......



## Mike lowery (Mar 4, 2014)

About 6 months ago I moved to a new city. I'm married and have two lovely children. I'm 30 and my wife is 28. We have been married for 7 years. For the last 2 1/2 years I have stayed at home with the kids while my wife has worked. Our daughter is 7 and son is 2. 

I just want to know how married couples feel about their spouse going out without them? My wife has probably been out 10 times since we moved. She has established relationships stemming from work and so forth. Me on the other hand, not so such. All of my time is concentrated on the children and or my wife. My kids have never had a babysitter. My mother probably has watched my daughter a handful of times and never a sleep over. Now that I moved 3000 miles away that option is no longer available.

I want to say something to my wife but I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. I have no friends now that I moved. I have nobody to go out with. I don't even have anybody that I can really talk to. It doesn't make it any easier not having income of some sort. Don't get me wrong, taking care of my children is as rewarding as it gets. I feel very lucky and blessed to do so. I trust my wife completely, that's not the issue. I feel like she doesn't trust me. Even though we have been together for over 10 years and I have never even chased another woman. Sorry I'm all over the place. I just want equality, lol. If there is such a thing in marriage.


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## Mike lowery (Mar 4, 2014)

I guess I'm just a pushover


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My suggestion would be simply find your courage and talk to your wife. 

Your lack of communication can easily be taken for a lack of caring or interest or even worse love... tell her how you feel and what you want and expect from your marriage...you're entitled to that.

What is ok is any of 'our' marriages is meaningless.... what is OK for you and your marriage is the issue for you.

PS: I'm not a big lover of regular girls/boys/work nights out. They come up every now and then...but I don't personally believe they are a good thing for a marriage...especially not when it's a regular occurrence and not when the other spouse is unhappy with the situation....JMHO.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When you say 'go out' what exactly do you mean? My husband curls, plays ball, attends a group and such things without me. I have no problem with that. But if he was regularly just going to the bar with friends or coworkers I would be pissed.

Have you talked with your wife about how you feel?


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

IMO, going out 10 times in 6 months (roughly 180 days) is not a big deal. I have a feeling that you have a deeper, more emotional conflict with it, and I encourage you to really analyse why you don't like your wife going out without you. 

It will also help for you to develop your own hobbies and interests so you can take the opportunity to go out with friends and unwind, too. 

My husband and I are in our late 20s and we both go out alone at times. He has a regular "boys night in" every two weeks and I will hang out with my best friend for hours and hours every so often. 

We also make time to go out together. We don't have kids yet, but maybe you should consider hiring a babysitter and enjoying a date night with your wife. That might also help you to feel closer to her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Start by reading "no more mr. Nice guy" and "married mans sex life primer". You do NOT want to get in a situation where your wife loses respect for you, especially as a stay at home dad. 

Second... Work at developing some hobbies. Go to the gym, take up wood-working, start running... Something. Do not focus 100% on your family. 

Third. Develop a support network. Find babysitters for the kids, so you and your wife can continue to date each other. The majority of your "night's out" should be with each other, not other people. 

Aside from the recommended reading, I'd give the same advise to a stay at home mom, btw... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

PBear said:


> My thoughts... Start by reading "no more mr. Nice guy" and "married mans sex life primer". You do NOT want to get in a situation where your wife loses respect for you, especially as a stay at home dad.


I have never read these books, so I cannot say about this, but....



> Second... Work at developing some hobbies. Go to the gym, take up wood-working, start running... Something. Do not focus 100% on your family.
> 
> Third. Develop a support network. Find babysitters for the kids, so you and your wife can continue to date each other. The majority of your "night's out" should be with each other, not other people.
> 
> ...



This is good advice. Also, in your support network or hobbies, make your OWN friends.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

start looking for a job.

if you can find one making as much as your wife then start getting some training or going back to school.

I don't care what anybody says women despise men who can't suport their family......yes yes yes this is a different world and the line of genders roles have been blurred. but i can tell you every friend or guy I know who doesn't make the grade and suport his family is misserable and soon after hes divorce and left scratching his head.

What happened?

I though she wanted me to be a stay at home dad. we discussed it and thought it was what was best for our kids.

I would never in a million years be a stay at home dad. 

do you feel good about staying home with the children?

Listen I'm not saying that its not admirable but the sacrifice to your earning power,retiremnet income,and the huge toll on your selfesteam is not worth it you might as well turn in your man card.

nope nope nope I think its a poor choice


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

^^ I don't agree with chillymorn. A manly man can be a manly man wielding a machete, a brief case or a diaper. (But DO sport your toolbelt sometimes, because that is just hot.) IF the guy is a pushover, then that is a nonstarter. But getting out in the work force won't change that.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> start looking for a job.
> 
> if you can find one making as much as your wife then start getting some training or going back to school.
> 
> ...




I would have to agree. I think your wife has lost all respect for you. My guess is a lot has to do with you being stay at home dad even if she says otherwise


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

The SAHD thing would not really work for us at all, unless it is for health reasons. Even when my H had lost his job temporarily, he went out and got THREE part time minimum wage jobs just to bring some money in. He had a lot of family making fun of him badly (to his face so all in jest), but he delivered papers in the morning, worked at a restaurant, and cleaned offices in the evening/night. He would just laugh too and say "man's got to do what a man's got to do".

On the other hand, both men and woman on TAM don't think too much of SAHM's either. I love being one myself but know it's not for everybody.

Is there some reason why you can't get a job?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> The SAHD thing would not really work for us at all, unless it is for health reasons. Even when my H had lost his job temporarily, he went out and got THREE part time minimum wage jobs just to bring some money in. He had a lot of family making fun of him badly (to his face so all in jest), but he delivered papers in the morning, worked at a restaurant, and cleaned offices in the evening/night. He would just laugh too and say "man's got to do what a man's got to do".
> 
> On the other hand, both men and woman on TAM don't think too much of SAHM's either. I love being one myself but know it's not for everybody.
> 
> Is there some reason why you can't get a job?


One easy guess is the best interest of the children.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> ^^ I don't agree with chillymorn. A manly man can be a manly man wielding a machete, a brief case or a diaper. (But DO sport your toolbelt sometimes, because that is just hot.) IF the guy is a pushover, then that is a nonstarter. But getting out in the work force won't change that.


Feel free to disagree all you want my friend but you need to dig a tiny bit deeper on this site and you will find endless stories about guys just like yourself who are baffled by the predicament they are in. Oh and that predicament is the one you are describing.

Oh by the way OP, after spending 17 years in the corporate world and being highly successful at it I started a home based business so I could be the SAHD while my wife pursued her career. It was great (i thought) until about three years ago when it dawned on me that I was my wife's doormat. 

It dawned on me because I came here and had my eyes opened. I have been working hard at changing that dynamic. Sometimes I fee like we are making progress but most of the time it seems like 1 step forward and 2 back. 

Unless you begin to communicate your concerns and demand some respect please do not expect much of anything to change except your frustration turning into depression and anger.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Everyone is different.
What is the nature of the "going out"... Does it include men, women, married, single, married with spouses, married without spouses? Is it drinking? Dancing? Having the type of fun couples are supposed to have? More information needed.

But, my general advice is as a SAHD you have to work 2x harder to keep your wife respecting you and attracted to you... So thse seem to be Yellow Flags at this time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

praise Okolo said:


> well i dont think or see any problem with that,since you or if you both trust each other very well,and please try to get this out of your mind because if you keep on thinking about it or having it in your mind one day it will come to play,because its what we fear the most that comes to us after.THANKS


Wha......?????? So the best solution is that he stick his head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening? Seriously??


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I am a sahm. I had to work very hard to make sure I was still living my life not just revolving around my husband and kids. Go to the gym, join groups, take a class. 

It was a huge adjustment staying home everyday. All of my friends were working, I had no family around, and then we moved to a new neighborhood. I started to almost smother my husband with need when he got home from work. Once I made my own support network and found things to do that made me happy then we were better at being happy together. 

I guess it depends on what kind of "going out" your wife is doing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

RClawson said:


> Feel free to disagree all you want my friend but you need to dig a tiny bit deeper on this site and you will find endless stories about guys just like yourself who are baffled by the predicament they are in. Oh and that predicament is the one you are describing.


I wonder how many of those guys are whiny, pushover, betas. The notion of man as provider may be important to the minds of many MEN. And certainly women. By no means all.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read the threads of Jerry123 and Bagdon. 

What sports are you into?

Your eldest already goes to school. The younger will in three years? Should you have a plan to reenter the workforce then?

How is your sex life?

Do you lift weights? Have you gained weight?

Is your wife in a stressful job that alpha type personalities dominate? Do you think she has begun to compare you to the high performers there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mike lowery said:


> About 6 months ago I moved to a new city. I'm married and have two lovely children. I'm 30 and my wife is 28. We have been married for 7 years. For the last 2 1/2 years I have stayed at home with the kids while my wife has worked. Our daughter is 7 and son is 2.
> 
> I just want to know how married couples feel about their spouse going out without them? My wife has probably been out 10 times since we moved. She has established relationships stemming from work and so forth. Me on the other hand, not so such. All of my time is concentrated on the children and or my wife. My kids have never had a babysitter. My mother probably has watched my daughter a handful of times and never a sleep over. Now that I moved 3000 miles away that option is no longer available.
> 
> I want to say something to my wife but I feel like I'm in a lose lose situation. I have no friends now that I moved. I have nobody to go out with. I don't even have anybody that I can really talk to. It doesn't make it any easier not having income of some sort. Don't get me wrong, taking care of my children is as rewarding as it gets. I feel very lucky and blessed to do so. I trust my wife completely, that's not the issue. I feel like she doesn't trust me. Even though we have been together for over 10 years and I have never even chased another woman. Sorry I'm all over the place. I just want equality, lol. If there is such a thing in marriage.


You need to speak up. If you dont, then how is she supposed to know how you are feeling about things? You need and deserve to get out and do some things for yourself. Find someone to babysit if you need to, dont be a helicopter parent who cannot leave their kids with someone else! Just because you are not bringing in income does not make you less than her. You are doing a very important job and you deserve to have your needs met too.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> I wonder how many of those guys are whiny, pushover, betas. The notion of man as provider may be important to the minds of many MEN. And certainly women. By no means all.


Funny you mention it NS. I was the Master of my Domain for the greater portion of our marriage. My wife had told me for years she was excited for the day when she could work and I could pursue my dream of owning a business and ending the mind numbing commute that ate up 3 hours of every day.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up one day and realized that the woman I loved with all my heart, and supported 100% in her career endeavors, basically thought I was a big pu$$y. 

It really was not fair I mean after all I turned out to be a better cook than her, I keep the house a hell of a great deal cleaner than she ever did, and by the way I still take care of the outside chores and manage the money (something she has no concept of). I also was the main emotional support to my two kids. They will never let her know this but they are not subtle about it with me. 

I guess in the end a husband being a maid, chef and nanny is just not that sexy and I would say that is the case for most working wives and I would wager to say over a longer period of time 90% of them at least. Equal Schmequal.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Is your wife in a stressful job that alpha type personalities dominate? Do you think she has begun to compare you to the high performers there?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This could easily be a key issue. You being a house husband, and her working with high performing alpha types....how do you think you measure up? Her actions (going out with them while you stay home with the kids) seem to show what she's decided.


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