# My story of perfect companionship, little intimacy. Advice greatly appreciated.



## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

Hi, I am new here. Thank you in advance for your thoughts and advice....I have always considered myself to be an intelligent woman, but I am so confused lately and really just don't know what to do. Anyway, here's my story:

My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years now. We have a functional relationship that gives a sort of surface happiness to both of us. But the lack of connection, the undercurrent of anxiety and anguish is also there. Until a few months ago, we lived together here in his (European) country. From the beginning, it's been hard for me to find meaningful employment here, despite my experience, education and qualifications. Having left behind family, friends, a good career and my culture to be with him, I spent many years alone in our apartment doing freelance work before finding my current job, which however will also soon end after several years. The situation has made me more and more miserable over the years, as I have felt increasingly as though I were headed towards cliff and would wake up with my heart pounding, wondering how to go on. Once a strong, dynamic and independent person, I slowly became emotionally weak, dependent on him, and depressive. Despite his true anguish over the situation, my husband has not been able to help much & many times I have (unfairly) blamed him for that. He really has done his best, more than most people would in his position. He is extremely caring, sensitive, supportive, genuinely intelligent and thoughtful, a hard worker who loves my family and has grown to respect and love my friends, too. At the same time, over the years I tried support him to the best of my abilities & thanks in part to my help he is now in a very good position with respect to his career. 

But none of this really changed my position, my inability to find a meaningful or even just a stable job, and my growing financial and emotional dependence on him. For years I struggled daily to stay positive and contribute to our relationship and household in the ways available to me, falling into a more traditional female role of keeping house and home together while silently slipping deeper and deeper into the dark waters of despair. For years I cried and cried on and off all day, struggling to overcome my dark feelings of powerlessness, and finally began taking medication. After that, I was able to be functional and cheerful and to support him and he was able to breath a bit easier and we struggled along, trying to love each other. Because both of us are patient and wanted not to give up on each other, and could see the positive aspects of situation, we managed to create a solid, loving relationship that worked well on a day-to-day basis. We had meaningful conversations, kept up the house, cooked for each other, went out with mutual friends and enjoyed ourselves (more or less), worked companionably on independent projects side by side. We rarely argued. It seems like a valuable thing. We had (have) the kind of solid intimacy that very close siblings would have, one based on tenderness and caring, and true understanding of the other. But we don't connect at a spiritual level, in our deepest selves. In fact, I think the reason we get along so well is because our relationship is not deeply emotional, which allows us to be practical. There is a sort of barrier to intimacy that keeps everything light, superficial and well-oiled. In some ways that has been quite comfortable, and has felt freeing, has allowed each of us to stay connected to our passions independently of each other....without really being able to share them with each other. We used to have sex, but rarely do anymore. And the sex is/was never right, somehow...he seems self-conscious, as though he just wanted to please me instead of actually enjoying himself and feeling drawn to me. It's extremely empty and mechanical for me. The "me" that I recognize in him when I look into his eyes is a me that I created consciously by adapting myself to his world, a me that gave up a lot in order to be compatible with him. She now exists, because I patiently created her by pulling out parts of me like weeds, day by day, habit by habit...to some extent, my husband is aware of that. He, also, set aside parts of himself in order to be with me because what he got in return was, he said, more valuable to him than we had was giving up. 

So the relationship works perfectly in some ways, and in other ways doesn't work at all. At some point I just could not continue to live this way. Several months ago, I finally moved out after years of discussing all this. Almost immediately afterwards, I suddenly connected in a very deep, passionate way with a person I'd known for several years but with whom I'd just been friends until then. It's strange how deeply we've connected. When I look in his eyes I recognize something in myself, something long lost, some part of me that I gave up long ago when my husband and I got together. And yet, and yet, I feel somehow confused and am constantly second-guessing myself. Despite this connection, we barely know each other in comparison with how my husband and I know each other. I can't help but be aware of this. Our intimate bond is so strong, so real, but it's based on passion, on how right his body feels next to mine, not on the solid caring that comes from years of co-existence. Everyone tells me how great my husband is, that I will never find another one like him, and it's true- he is really great. I wonder whether I am making a huge mistake. 

I would appreciate any thoughts or reactions to my story--maybe it will help me to see things more clearly. Thank you.


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## imustbenuts (Sep 10, 2011)

I don’t think I have an answer for you, but I can relate. I too feel like I am losing who I am to be compatible with a husband that truly cares for me, but that doesn’t really know me. We don’t have that deep intimate connection that I have had with someone else prior to getting married.

That relationship ended, mainly because that intimacy was not enough. He was my friend and lover and understood me completely, but we couldn’t function together in a household. He was irresponsible, unreliable, lazy and a total slob, our household functioned only because I took care of everything. It broke my heart to leave my “soul mate” but I needed someone I could also count on for the practical things in life. Enter my husband- intimacy somewhat lacking, but our life functions very well and we’re happy. He loves me and I love him, but its not the same passion I had in my other relationship.

Can you have one person fulfill both your practical and intimacy needs? Is this new man the one that can do it? Or are you so blinded by passion that you don’t see his other faults yet and will long for your husband when you do? Are you so attracted to this new man because he is the opposite of your husband? If he doesn’t also have all the great qualities you love in your husband, you will eventually feel lack in it too. Can your husband become your soul mate and give you that passion and intimacy that you need?

Is a good marriage worth giving up parts of yourself? Or do you owe it to yourself to find someone that loves you for exactly who you are? Life is too short too not live and love to the fullest, but you also want someone you can depend on to always be there...

I don’t know what you should, but I applaud you for having the courage to seek out happiness. Many people would stay in the safety of their unhappy marriage just because it had been 15 years. 

The best advice I can give you is to take time to let your head clear. Don’t jump into divorce or into a new relationship. Take time to be alone and let your emotions settle so you can make a decision about the direction you want your life to go and the things that you want.


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