# Can she learn to be romantic?



## Introubledeep (Mar 22, 2012)

My marriage was/perhaps still is, in a bad way.

We are going to marriage Counselling, and we have made huge improvements in our relationship very quickly in the last few weeks, although I certainly am not prepared to say that our marriage will definately survive. We still have a lot of issues to work through, but at least we are both trying sincerely to fix things up and make a fresh start. If this marriage is going to survive the next chapter, we have to make a lot of changes. 

One issue that has always been a passion killer for me is my wifes ruthlessly utilitarian approach to life. If I buy chocolates or flowers, I am just as likely to get chipped for wasting money as be thanked. 

I try to buy her presents that she will like for her birthday, christmas, or sometimes just for no particular reason, but these rarely work out. For example, once I bought her a nice garden swing seat, I knew she loved being in the garden, and I hoped that we could sit together out in the garden together sometimes and just talk and relax. She told me to take it back and swap it for a lawn trimmer...she wasn't trying to be rude or offensive or make any sort of point, she genuinely saw my gift as a waste of money. 

One time, knowing that she was the practical type, early in our marriage I bought her a bicycle for her birthday to make it easier for her to go to the shops which were about a quarter mile down the road. She used it about 4 times, and then sold it in a garage sale without the slightest bit of hesitation. 

I have bought her perfume a few times with mixed results, sometimes she seems to appreciate it, other times she simply tells me that she doesn't like the perfume and it ends up being used like very expensive air freshener in the toilet. 

Probably the most successful present was a garden cart (similar to a wheelbarrow). Yes I know it is a strange and unromantic present, but I was trying to buy her something that she would like; she was very happy with that because it was useful. 

There is no point paying for a massage, getting fingernails painted, a fancy hair do, a makeup session, and these sorts of things, she just sees it as a waste of money. 

OK, so one might conclude that I am not very good at understanding my wife or buying her presents, this is probably true to some extent, but seriously, I have never come across such a hard nosed ruthlessly utilitarian woman. This shuts down one avenue of trying to be creative, imaginative, spontaneous, romantic and fun. 

I have tried cooking meals for her, she did appreciate the effort but not the result, and she genuinely would prefer that she does the cooking. This idea was not a great success.

I have tried taking her out for dinner, she does appreciate it sometimes if the meal is not expensive, but slurping down some noodles in a crowded noodle retaurant doesn't really do it for me in the romance area. She outright rejects going to a more expensive restaurant because "it is a waste of money" and she can cook a better meal at home (which is probably true...she is a fine cook!)

I try to just accept her as she is, but sometimes it is a little bit painful, and it makes it very hard to do small practical things to show my love, affection, romance towards her. Has anyone got any insights into this personality characteristic to help me understand it? Has anyone else got a ruthlessly utilitarian woman? Any ideas on how else I might try to show her my appreciation and that I care about her?

Better yet, is there any hope for her learning to be just a tiny bit romantic?


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## seekinghelpnow (Apr 8, 2012)

I believe if one wants to they can learn anything to make their partner happy within reasonable expectations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Are you sure that this is one area where she is really trying? Without knowing more, her responses can easily soung passive aggressive.

This, to me, is one area that can be changed because a person can show appreciation for the love you put into your actions, even if they don't especially like the way you do it. If she is trying, you could possibly find a subtle way to let her know that you are doing this/buying this out of your love for her, to help her make the connection in the areas that are not as obvious, like making dinner. Or, you could go for a more obvious route, by using some common reminders for her, to let her know, like candles. If she is as practical as it seems, she might sometimes need a reminder that this is "one of those romantic occasions for you".


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## seekinghelpnow (Apr 8, 2012)

Another thought, maybe gifts isn't the way she feels love.....look into the 5 love languages
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

seekinghelpnow said:


> Another thought, maybe gifts isn't the way she feels love.....look into the 5 love languages
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE. I'm more concerned about practicality and frugality than I am gifts. Gifts is at the BOTTOM of my love languages list. However I'm married to a gift guy just like you. It has taken therapy, books, TAM, and a lot of insight to understand that my husband communicates love via gifts so I've learned to appreciate what he's trying to do even if it's not my thing. I don't like flowers, don't eat chocolate, HATE cards, most of his gifts aren't really what I want anyway so what's the point?

The point is I love HIM and it's important to HIM so I say thank you and have learned to let money worries go. And yes I've learned to be more romantic because he is that important to me. He wants it and therefore I want to give it to HIM.

So can she learn? Yes but only if she's truly aware of the problem AND has a strong willingness to fix it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, the advice here is spot on. Your love language is gifts, so you believe that by showering your wife with tokens of love, she will melt in your arms. I'll bet her love language is acts of service. Try fixing something around the house, and see if she isn't more loving toward you.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I bet if you built her (or bought it) a small bench to sit on while gardending, she will love it. I saw one that has wheels on it, so she could scoot along the garden, rather than having to be on bended knee.

I don't really see anything in your examples that are romantic. You bought her things she didn't like or thought were a waste of money. Very considerate on your part, but hardly romantic. You bought her things that YOU like, but she didn't. How was that for her?

I don't think the problem is her needing to learn to be romantic. She needs to learn how to say "thank you" and you need to learn how to tune into her and get out of your own head. If she cooked you spinach when you don't like spinach, how would you feel? If she bought you a table saw just because you own a hammer, how would you feel if building things is not your forte? If she bought you a vacuum cleaner for your birthday with the idea it is something she could use, how would you feel about receiving a gift on your birthday that she bought for herself?

Yes, I conclude you don't understand your wife. You might try asking what she wants in the future. I also conclude she doesn't understand you. The Five Love Languages should be good for both of you.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

seekinghelpnow said:


> Another thought, maybe gifts isn't the way she feels love.....look into the 5 love languages
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Gifts are your love language, not hers. Find out her love language, and focus on that.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Mine is never been very romantic and certainly not as of the last year of issues. We are in MC and I brought it up this past session. I explained that I have a vision of a great marriage and the Counselor asked what it looked like which allowed me to give some ideas. 

This weekend she actually did become a little of my vision. 

Best of luck to you!


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Wait a minute...is this what is really bothering you? 

You started out by saying your marriage is in a bad way and then you told us about trouble with gift giving and that your wife is a miser...

Is the real problem in the intimacy/bedroom department here?

If my wife was making me happy in every way except that she was really frugal....well it might be annoying...but it would not be something that would break up the marriage unless I personally had to have things and she would not let me get them...

If you are trying to regain intimacy by buying her things and taking her out to dinner...its not the way to go obviously.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

dymo said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Gifts are your love language, not hers. Find out her love language, and focus on that.


:iagree:

Ditto to what everyone is saying about love languages.


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## Introubledeep (Mar 22, 2012)

Thanks for everyones feedback.

To explain a few things discussed by others, obviously there are much deeper issues here, that is why we have come to the verge of a divorce and are now going through Marriage Counselling. Not for a moment did I think that the gift thing was going to buy love or fix things, we have MUCH bigger problems than this. Someone raised the intimacy thing, well it virtually didn't happen for the best part of 10 years (both emotional and sexual intimacy...actually I view them as part of one and the same thing), our marriage was virtually dead. Our relationship has dramatically turned around in recent weeks (THANK GOD) and things are improving a lot, and I hope that we continue in this direction. 

I am not really much of a gift giver, any tendancy to that got well and truelly beaten out of me very early in our marriage, and after having read the advice given here, I will leave this option off the menu. Best to leave things as they are, keep gift giving to purely practical things that she can use.

I am now thinking about and looking at ways I can improve things in the next chapter of our marriage, assuming that it survives. The being a bit romantic thing was just a thought about one possibility of improving our relationship...based on the advice I have received here it is a dead end street by the sounds of things. Great to have the feedback, I won't waste my time beating my head against a brick wall, I will explore other things I can try and improve our relationship. 

Many thanks to everyone.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I 100% agree that for men in a real relationship or who want one or want to continue one...like you (and me too) emotional and sexual intimacy are the same thing. Im not sure all women experience this quite like we men do though....

My older woman psychiatrist once told me that many perhaps most women just dont look at sex the way us guys do...I mean they think its ok and all...but they can actually take it or leave it.

I think for many women the emotional intimacy connection is not so dependent upon the sexual relationship.

For us guys (certainly for me and it sounds like you too) its identical..so no good sex = no good intimacy = no good emotional connection.

If you really want to try with this woman...I know you say 10 years...but I assume there were some good times in there too....you have to appeal to her frugality by doing thinks like walks or hikes, perhaps sports you can share together, projects (women love projects), even cleaning around the house...but together.

On the other hand....although its great that you are trying and perhaps getting somewhere...wow 10 years is a long time to have a bad relationship.

I can barely manage 10 minutes let alone 2 weeks like my current "fight" with my wife have been going on...


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Oh and by the way....that private jet trip to Las Vegas with Dom and a hotel suite at the Bellagio with full time limo service...well I would not recommend that for your woman...

Sorry could not resist....


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Introubledeep said:


> Better yet, is there any hope for her learning to be just a tiny bit romantic?


Maybe, maybe not. The real question here is "Why do you let this bother you?". I can answer that question for myself and it has do with my age, my family life growing up along the geographic, cultural and socioeconomic environment I grew up in. But my wife does not share most if any of this background and she is very anti-romantic. Fix yourself, understand your wife and your marriage will follow


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Introubledeep said:


> The being a bit romantic thing was just a thought about one possibility of improving our relationship...based on the advice I have received here it is a dead end street by the sounds of things.


I don't think that's necessarily true. I think the two of you may instead have different ideas of what romance is. What is romantic to you is not necessarily romantic to her, and vice versa.

P.S. We've all been plugging that book for a reason.


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## Introubledeep (Mar 22, 2012)

Lots of people saying to read the 5 languages of love. Yep, I got the book, I read the book, I learned alot. This is one of those rare books about relationships that has a lot of truth in it. My wife is reading it too, and I think it is a great tool.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

Introubledeep said:


> Thanks for everyones feedback.
> 
> To explain a few things discussed by others, obviously there are much deeper issues here, that is why we have come to the verge of a divorce and are now going through Marriage Counselling. Not for a moment did I think that the gift thing was going to buy love or fix things, we have MUCH bigger problems than this. Someone raised the intimacy thing, well it virtually didn't happen for the best part of *10 years *(both emotional and sexual intimacy...actually I view them as part of one and the same thing), our marriage was virtually dead. Our relationship has dramatically turned around in recent weeks (THANK GOD) and things are improving a lot, and I hope that we continue in this direction.
> 
> ...


Romance isn't about hallmark cards and Disney movies. It's about doing actions that your partner likes, and doing them out of love and thoughtfulness in order to enhance a connection. 

The first thing that jumps out to me is this 10 year period - Why do you think you were OK with going 10 years in your relationship without any intimacy?


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