# Wife insults penis size (some questions)



## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

Background:
We've been together for 7 years, married for 4. 

The first time she ever said this was in December, and for the 2nd time in 2 months, my wife chose to go there again a few days ago. Of course I didn't like it the first time but for some reason it was easy to get over, because I thought it was a fluke. However, this second time it really infuriated me and I lashed out by sharing this info with her family via facebook (including her mother, sister, and grandparents) to get back at her. In turn, her mother called her and told her to get out of the house because she said it sounded like I had snapped. She has stayed with her mother for the last few days.

What happened: 

Specifically, she said I was smaller than her last partner (her BF from 7 years ago). The first time, she said she could get off more easily and in a lot more positions. She said I wasn't wide enough to fill her completely. The second time she said "I guess it's true, big egoes make for small penises. Oh, and not only is it too small, but it's too soft. No girl is going to feel satisfied".

To be honest, both times were during really big fights during which I told her I wanted a divorce (which by the way, she has said in fights a lot more than I have). I think she was antagonizing me into saying it, but that's a question for another thread.

Questions:
Anyway, I guess my first question is whether that *kind of deliberate attempt to hurt someone's masculinity is OK when you're at the end of the ropes?* I mean, I know it's not OK - but how far is it on the spectrum? Divorce worthy?

My second question is *whether women just say this sort of thing for effect?* I ask because my research says I'm average to above average, and unless her last BF was significantly wider, I don't see why average is bad. To be perfectly frank about it - I'm 6.75" long and about 4.8" in girth around the base, 4.3" at the top and 4.5" at the midpoint. I had been getting somewhat more soft than before, but I think it's mostly the result of her going off birth control and me having to wear a condom. *Did she mean what she said? *I mean she said it twice now, so I guess it's gotta be something that she's been thinking about.

I guess my next question is about size and softness in general. I mean, I'm not giant girthwise which is what it is, but now *I'm concerned that she's got a legitimate beef in complaining that I hit her cervix sometimes but don't fill her.* Also, the softness thing bothers me... it didn't used to be like that. Condoms are one factor, but maybe age is another. I feel like I have been more soft even when masturbating.

Lastly, she has no contact with her ex-BF and I'm certain he's not a threat of any sort but I confronted her about a coworker via email and this is what she wrote: 



> I'll just tell you how I feel as honestly as I can. I don't want you to feel hurt though, or to think that it's more than it is. I won't deny that I kind of have feelings for him, and that I have even thought about him in a sexual way (though not fantasizing about him while we were having sex, or anything like that) I will also be honest and say that I have kind of imagined what a life with him would be like (maybe in sort of the same way you did with that girl XYZ), because I kind of see him as being someone trustworthy, someone who would be a good partner and father maybe.


Now, that's a bit alarming. But I also want to be up front and say that I've had an emotional affair of sorts via e-mail with a former coworker that we've gone to counseling about. In short, I told her personal secrets, spent a lot of time talking to her, told her I was attracted to her, and wrote her a poem once detailing how this attraction was negatively affecting my relationship with my wife, who i love. I NEVER told this woman I loved her, that I was going to leave my wife, or that I even preferred her company to my wife's. I was wrong, and crossed the line for sure, but did I cheat? I'm not sure. Anyway, I know this is all getting messy but what I'm getting at is that I've done WORSE than she in respect for what she feels for this man.

*I guess what I'm concerned about is her feelings for this very tall, well-physiqued coworker(you know big feet, big hands, broad shoulders, plays hockey - it might make her think ....) and her sudden interest in penis size for the first time in our marriage. Am I reaching here?*

I know it's a lot. But I think it's worthy of discussion even if it doesn't help me decide what to do. Thanks to everyone in advance.
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Additional Info:

Since there has been a lot of speculation and a few posters saying there's not enough info to sort it out, here's some more background.

Finances: Someone implied it was because of money, but it's not. I have never made more money than her except for during college when I worked part time to pay both of our most basic bills (car insurance, gas money, phone bills, food, etc.). Since then, she's outearned me by a ton. However, I've never stayed with her because of cash. When I asked for separation, I was unemployed and had to leave the country to find work - but I did it because I felt I had to. Since getting back together, she's had a salary about 30-35% higher than me. 

I will admit that we got married partly because of finances. I don't really believe in marriage (and she agreed with me on this when we met), though I do believe in monogamy and lifelong relationships that are supportive, secure, and nurturing. I just don't believe you achieve that by signing a paper and wearing a ring. Anyway, we got married because we wanted a long-term relationship and marriage had a lot of financial benefits and made us a legitimate couple to our families.

Separation: I initiated separation 2 years ago, and it lasted 10 months. At that point, there had never been any infidelity of any sort but I was being questioned about every close female acquaintance. She said it was because our relationship was unstable. One day, after she questioned my sole relationship with a friend of mine in a foreign country where I was unemployed, I told her I couldn't take it anymore and left. During that time, I did some small dating (which we had established was OK) but never told her about because I knew it would hurt her. It never went beyond a short kiss, but she later found out and has been holding it against me since. After about 5 months of being together again, is when the emotional affair happened and we have been doing counseling for 6 months since then. We never made any progress. The counselor said I need to be more understanding and patient, and told her she needed to decide whether she trusted me or not, and if she chose to trust me that we should look forward and not back. Since the emotional affair, she has once again started questioning my female acquaintances. Just a week ago, during a night out dancing with people from our dance classes she accused me of having inappropriate feelings with 3 different women from the class. I handled that well, but when she asked me what I would do if I had liked them better than her... a question with no right answer, I kind of snapped. This is a typical dynamic for us - she gets insecure, I try to ignore it or placate her, it continues and she escalates the questions, I tell her we're getting into argument territory, she accuses me of withholding and I get angry, she says some nasty things and I finally snap. With the negative energy finally out, we make up and the cycle begins again.

Our relationship: We both love each, and I think the fact that we've tolerated so much from each other shows that. We have a fairly decent sex life, but we have communications issues (which sometimes lead me to feel distant physically for short periods of times. Even when things are going well though, I feel like any slightly negative thing I say begins an escalation war or begins an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes even innocent topics begin this roller coaster and so I've mostly tried to avoid any serious topics because I'm afraid of a fight starting from something like disagreeing on what's a good book or saying that her friends act inappropriately. That's really the core of the problem, but every time I've tried to be honest it's turned out backfiring because she reacts so negatively and emotionally that it just creates more conflict. Aside from that, we get along great. We're playful, interested in what the other has to say, supportive and don't compete in our relationship. However, this single dynamic has ruined our relationship and this last time it sort of pushed so far that it's hard to make up the way we usually do.

Umm, so... a lot of info now - but I'm not sure if it helps.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Go ahead and get that divorce you've been thinking of. This woman has absolutely NO RESPECT for you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No Respect = No Marriage


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

The fact that she's at the point of insulting you like this while also comparing you to a prior BF and that you're both tossing around the word "divorce" pretty freely... I think paints the picture on wall pretty clearly. 

Your relationship is in some serious trouble, and I don't know if it's even worth fighting for only to stay with such a verbally-abusive, demeaning woman.

Divorce is a serious step and needs serious consideration... but having your manhood reduced in comparison to another man is downright cold-blooded and might very well be the final blow in helping you make a decision here. I think if I were in your shoes that would be the final straw for me anyway.


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## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

Thanks for the replies, I truly do appreciate anyone who takes the time to answer. However, it seems to me like you guys are awfully quick to come to that conclusion. This is a relationship of 7 years, and you're willing to say that this is bad enough to warrant a divorce. It seems that this is awfully harsh and without any explanation. Did you guys read the part about the emotional affair?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

You are looking elsewhere and she doesn't respect you. What is left?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Sounds like both of you were looking outside the marriage at various points. Add to that that she was being deliberately cruel and disrespectful to you. She is testing you and daring you. Was it you or her that posted to facebook? Sounds like you. Ya'll are on a runaway train. Unless you can find the brakes fast, jump. You at least need an honest broker (e.g., an MC) to get to a point where you can have an honest conversation without crazy jacked emotions.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm sorry that our answers were not to your liking but in order for a marriage to be viable it needs *love, respect and trust*. Remove just one and the marriage begins to die. So unless the two of you get on the ball to save your marriage, its days are numbered.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

> My second question is whether women just say this sort of thing for effect?


This has nothing to do with 'women'. Your wife is ONE woman and only she is responsible for what she says. 

Her saying that is rude and obviously meant to hurt you. And you buy into it. So I guess it worked for her.

If it's gotten to this point your marriage is over. She does not respect you and has found a trigger to make you feel bad.. it's working.

Why are you staying around and letting yourself be mistreated this way?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Any woman who would say such a cruel thing to her husband is one sorry a*s wife, and your even sorrier for putting up with it. 

Show her de door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

RUN!!!!!!!!!!

i would not even call her that word "wife" 

yeah you should not use that word 

Leave


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you are both screwed imo this is a unhealthy relationship man it is you are both in a terrible relationship. It should not come to this i just think you two are terrible from each other just by what you have told me. This does not happen to this degree in actual good marriages that are HEALTHY.

You best leave man


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she talking to her ex again?

Rather strange behaviour. Rude and disrespectful.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

marriedguy2 said:


> This is a relationship of 7 years, and you're willing to say that this is bad enough to warrant a divorce. It seems that this is awfully harsh and without any explanation.


You asked us if this was enough to warrant a divorce. Based on whatever details you're giving us to draw analysis from, we're pretty much in agreement that it does warrant it.

I understand 7 years is a lot to throw away, but some key points in your post indicate that your relationship has eroded to the point where it is in most cases beyond repair. You and your wife use the "divorce" threat on each other frequently. That is so toxic to your relationship. And now she's attacking your manhood trying to make you feel insignificant by saying you're not big enough or hard enough to please her sexually. And she's adding insult to injury by comparing your penis to a man she was previously intimate with, just to make sure she seals the deal on squashing your manhood like a grape.

You want to stick around with this woman why??? I don't care if this was a 30 year relationship... I'd tell you the same thing. This doesn't sound like a loving, caring person who will be forever looking out for you and your needs for the rest of your lives together. She sounds like a vindictive person looking to piss you off to the point of driving you away.

People who are having trouble in their relationships but still have respect for each would never stoop to such abusive levels like she has done to you. These comments are designed to hurt you beyond repair.

Imagine how she would feel if you told her that she doesn't please you because her vagina is dry and she's a bad lay, and your ex GF was so much better in bed. Think she'd still be sticking around with you???


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## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

I do appreciate all the responses, even if most weren't the type I wanted or expected. I guess it is what it is, and I guess what started as a divorce threat of mine will become a reality. I know I'm not the only one at fault here, but it still sucks.

One thing though that I want to be clear about is that I haven't been perfect - I've called her insane before, which is a trigger for her (though I didn't do it on purpose) and I've initiated a separation in the past that lasted 10 months. In in addition to what she calls an "emotional affair" and what I would call inappropriate behavior at the LEAST.

Also, I'm 100% sure she's never cheated or even thought about it. I know some people are overly trusting, I know because it's beyond obvious. So, those who are claiming she's cheating with the ex-BF are way off, especially because of the fact that it doesn't work out geographically. She was saying that to hurt me, not because she's cheating.

Anyway, if anyone has anything else to say, I'm still listening and thanks to those who have been helpful so far.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Specifically, she said I was smaller than her last partner (her BF from 7 years ago). The first time, she said she could get off more easily and in a lot more positions.


Its is not your fault that she has piled on 50 pounds since then, and how hard it is stimulate over her fat rolls. Also how your ex had a much tighter boobs.




> She said I wasn't wide enough to fill her completely. The second time she said "I guess it's true, big egoes make for small penises. Oh, and not only is it too small, but it's too soft. No girl is going to feel satisfied".


Some insult about being the town's toll booth before marriage and how loose it had gotten over the years that you can barely feel anything either. No wonder it is going soft. A reference to your ex's tighter genital area.

Irresponsible but should give her some perspective.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

That was a really low blow from her. In one sense it's almost like a one-sided EA, because she's saying she'd rather have sex with someone else and not with you. Ouch. As others have identified, your relationship is pretty broken up right now. However, I think that your relationship can potentially be fixed. It will take time and effort from both of you. 

I think if some of the advice given at TAM were given by doctors at hospitals, they'd euthanize you if you broke your legs.  Of course, I think there is also a great deal of wisdom on these forums, especially from the school of hard knocks. But a little more hope would be good.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is not a matter of being perfect, no one is, but from what you've written, it seems that you are the only one with self awareness of his negative contributions to the marriage. But one thing is a fact and that is if a person allows him/herself to be treated like a doormat, the disrespect not only will continue but it will increase. And many times it will only stop when the choice is made in earnest to divorce. Your life, your choice.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If "together 7years" means you were having intercourse from the start, then she should have already been aware of your dimensions.
Not sure where you would have fallen on my ex's requirements, since she was such a accomplished liar that she wouldn't have been a reliable source. But, I do know you would have quite an improvement over what I could provide her.
I'm left to assume that she stayed with you for the financial benefits and was planning on getting anything else she wanted, elsewhere.
It's on you to decide how you wish to address it, but I can offer you my perspective. If you think seven years is a long time to be in a bad relationship, just let it last for thirteen more and I can assure you your consideration for others will change dramatically.
The only thing that won't change is the size of your equipment.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

How immature to begin with..... And then you going to FB.... And finally measuring it for all of TAM (and others you have shared it with). 

What i it with men usually all above (or well above) average all asking questions.

Unless you are under 4" you should have no issues with 90%+ of women.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

marriedguy2 said:


> Anyway, if anyone has anything else to say, I'm still listening and thanks to those who have been helpful so far.


marriedguy2, for the record, I agree with the consensus that your marriage is in bad shape and that the simplest thing to do would be to end it and start fresh with somebody new.

But it seems like you don't want to just pitch 7 years away. So if you want to stay married and try to make things better, there are a couple of resources available to you, and I think some other posters might also be able to recommend additional information.

Go read the Married Man Sex Life website. You might want to go ahead and buy his book, too. No More Mr. Nice Guy might also provide some food-for-thought for you in the relationship. 

Morituri has chimed in on your thread- go back to his post, and click on the link at the bottom of his post. Every single article he links to will improve you for having read it, regardless of whether you want to stay or go.

Independent of all this stuff, I suggest that you work on reining yourself in. Work on keeping your emotions and anger under control during those fights you two have. Threatening divorce and calling your wife crazy are not effective strategies for resolving problems. Try listening more than you talk!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi marriedguy2 ~

You mentioned that you and your wife have had some ups and downs in your marital relationship - both having EAs, separation, both being disrespectful of the other, some manipulative and passive aggressive behaviours.

You also mention that you had previously done marital counseling. I would again suggest counseling - except that I would suggest individual counseling on your own. So that you can understand why you have this kind of dynamic, what contribution you make to that dynamic, how to break it, and ultimately get to the point where you can look with a clearer view at what is most important in your life so that you can decide whether to work on the marriage or not.

Best wishes.


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## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

Tell her you're not to small, she's just way to big, and up til now you havent had any complaints.

She wants to hurt you or get you pissed. Just dont give her the satisfaction, dont give her a target.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

marriedguy2 said:


> Thanks for the replies, I truly do appreciate anyone who takes the time to answer. However, it seems to me like you guys are awfully quick to come to that conclusion. This is a relationship of 7 years, and you're willing to say that this is bad enough to warrant a divorce. It seems that this is awfully harsh and without any explanation. Did you guys read the part about the emotional affair?


All people have to go on is the information provided. Based on the information that has been given, by you, there is not much of a marriage there. 

The quality of a marriage is not proportional to the number of years married and in the grand scheme of things 7 years is not that much. 

The bit about the emotional affair just adds to the feeling that there is not a whole lot positive there.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Next time you two are in an argument tell her this:

I am of average size. It's not my fault that you are so loose that having sex with you is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.


Then ask her how she feels about having the most personal of personal areas evaluated.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I cannot believe how many men are on this board and think the best way to demean a woman comparably to her insulting size is a response on looseness. Yes that is mean. Not quite as mean as saying that hers has an aweful smell. That will stick with her for years.

I do not recommend this, I am just saying . . .


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> I cannot believe how many men are on this board and think the best way to demean a woman comparably to her insulting size is a response on looseness. Yes that is mean. Not quite as mean as saying that hers has an aweful smell. That will stick with her for years.
> 
> I do not recommend this, I am just saying . . .





> She said I wasn't wide enough to fill her completely.


I cannot believe how many people post responses without actually reading the OP's original post. My comment was in reference to EXACTLY what she said to him. She said that he was not "wide" enough to fill her. I said nothing about demeaning her. It is putting the responsibility for her displeasure back on her. Maybe she needs to do some Kegel exercises?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think you both sound incredibly immature and neither of you fight fair.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

In short, I told her personal secrets, spent a lot of time talking to her, told her I was attracted to her, and wrote her a poem once detailing how this attraction was negatively affecting my relationship with my wife, who i love. I NEVER told this woman I loved her, that I was going to leave my wife, or that I even preferred her company to my wife's. I was wrong, and crossed the line for sure, but did I cheat? I'm not sure. Anyway, I know this is all getting messy but what I'm getting at is that I've done WORSE than she in respect for what she feels for this man.

what your right above is insightful. 

I think people telling you to dump your wife are ignoring what you have put your wife through and she may not be mean and rotten but, may be getting back at you. This is not an excuse for bad behavior but, if my wife did/wrote/said what you did with another man and hurt me bad i may try to hurt her back until i came to grips with my anger. 

That said the past is behind you. You should ask her calmly if she thinks she can get past this and treat you with respect (at the very least).

For the sake of people who are taking the time out of their day to give you advise you could summarize your history by editing your post. I am not sure protocal/procedure but this may save everyone from going through pages of other people's responses to get to your history which is germane to your situation.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What a very disrespectful thing to say. It does not matter what size you are, you could be hung like a horse and she throws this cheap shot at you.

Those were some really hurtful words. Maybe it's time to show her where the door is. I know you both were arguing, but this is plain wrong. 

I would not take these hurtful words personally. Move on. Find someone your more compatible with, especially if she's truly having an affair on you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And this is directed at you or anybody else who reads this.

NEVER EVER EVER threaten divorce unless you mean it and it should only be used as a last resort when absolutely nothing else worked.

Harsh words cannot be taken back. Ever.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I'm seeing this in a different light than most. I agree that she should not be insulting your manhood, but it seems pretty obvious why she's doing it. You had an emotional affair and it's clear from your post that you're not taking the steps necessary to make her feel safe. (The first step would be to actually admit it was an EA, btw.) Her self esteem is in the gutter after being betrayed by the person she loved most. She is scared to death of losing you and confused about what she's done to cause you to cheat. ( the answer is nothing, but it will be a while before she understands that) Instead of reacting in an emotionally healthy way she's trying to make you fear being with another woman so you won't leave. THAT is why she said you could never satisfy another woman.

What she said is rude, but I won't condemn her. She needs IC to help her find better ways to communicate her fear and hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Coddle an abuser. How enlightening.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

tbh, the abuse seems to have gone both ways. They both have a very broken dynamic. They both engaged in EAs, they both lash out at each other.

@OP ~ I will re-iterate. Go seek some IC on your own. Encourage your wife to do the same, but even if she won't, that's no reason why you can't work to improve yourself and your lot in life.

Best wishes.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> tbh, the abuse seems to have gone both ways. They both have a very broken dynamic. They both engaged in EAs, they both lash out at each other.


You're right and MC was tried without success. Since he can't force her to change then he has two basic choices:

1. Stay and pray that she changes for the better - unlikely without her admitting her abusive behavior.

2. Divorce and seek IC for himself to address and resolve HIS issues so that he won't carry them from this failed marriage on to the next committed relationship.

If he chooses option 2, it may become the catalyst for her to take a good look at herself and hopefully begin to recognize that her behavior contributed greatly to the demise of her marriage.

It's his life and his choice to do with it as he pleases. Here's hoping he chooses wisely.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

tell your wife, her sister never complained


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Its is not your fault that she has piled on 50 pounds since then, and how hard it is stimulate over her fat rolls. Also how your ex had a much tighter boobs.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :smthumbup:


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lol, there is some GOOD comedy in this thread I have to say. Some have caught me by surprise. lol


About the serious issues, there is so much **** going on between BOTH, the fights, the insults, the revenges, the cheating, etc. I think there is entirely WAY too much to sort. We'll never find who started it, who started the low-blows, etc. at this point. Both are very much abusers, AND very much abused... Crazy dysfunctional.

Condemnation > Renovation for this building I'm afraid, IMO.


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## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

I posted more details for those interested - the new stuff is below the dotted line.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hmm..Why did she go off birth control and start using a condom?


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## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Hmm..Why did she go off birth control and start using a condom?


She felt it was affecting her hormone levels in a negative way and because we decided this form of contraception wasn't nearly as safe for her health as had been previously claimed in medical studies.

But perhaps the bigger issue now that you mention stopping taking medication is that she went off Prozac 3 years ago.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marriedguy2 said:


> She felt it was affecting her hormone levels in a negative way and because we decided this form of contraception wasn't nearly as safe for her health as had been previously claimed in medical studies.


Whose initial idea was going off of birth control and how is the timing of her going off BC compared to when her habit of insulting you began?

Any possible correlation?


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## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Whose initial idea was going off of birth control and how is the timing of her going off BC compared to when her habit of insulting you began?
> 
> Any possible correlation?


She went of birth control 2 years ago, the insults started 2 months ago so there's no relation. In a side note, we've had unprotected sex a ton of times I've always pulled out in time. No way were we ready for a kid, but I we didn't care in the heat of the moment.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marriedguy2 said:


> She went of birth control 2 years ago, the insults started 2 months ago so there's no relation. In a side note, we've had unprotected sex a ton of times I've always pulled out in time. No way were we ready for a kid, but I we didn't care in the heat of the moment.


Ok, sorry for the derail.

Many times I`ve heard of a walk away wife who recently started using condoms with her husband after going off birth control for "medical reasons" only to find out later she was having an affair and there were std worries with it.

The timing is off for you though.


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## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

1. You shared her penis insults w family members?! That's ****ing crazy. Maybe you two deserve each other.

2. She's bad and your marriage is worse..

3. Please don't make any kids w this woman.

4. You might need Viagra, but try it w a better woman.

5. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I see things a little differently. She is taking her revenge on you. Reading between the lines, you are not as benign as you try to make yourself out to be. You have done a number of things to keep her off balance as a woman for 7 yrs and now that your performence is waining, she is returning the favor. Why do you expect her to reassure you about you plumbing when you don't reassure her that she is woman enough for you? 

You may be insecure because she is more successful than you. You found her waek point and I think you have been milking it for some time. Is that why you let her know you find other woman more attractive than her? Having as EA, comparing her unfavorably to OW, leaving her when she expressed insecurity your female friends and not reassuring her that you found her attractive and loved her when she clearly needed your reassurance. This is what R is all about. You caused her insecurity with your cheating and now she needs your reassurance and patience. 

The councilor was wrong she needs to move ahead when she is ready, when you have atoned enough to make her feel secure in your love. You don't appear to have done that. 

Let see - You cheated on her within the last 6 months? You left her because you were hanging out with women and you did not care to reassure her, dated thus decieved her while separated, and carried on a EA after you got back together that you really don't think is cheating. This last fight ensued when you again chose not to reassure her of your committment to her. This all happened in the recent past and is quite a blow to her. 

I agree that you should divorce. If she wrote in asking, I would advise her to find a man who has a secure attachment style and loved and cared about her enough to assure her of his love and attraction. I cannot see why you want to stay. You seem to find any number of women more attractive, why not get one and let your wife go to find a man who will cherish her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't have time to read all the responses but she sounds like she's just trying to hurt you. I would never ever ever say anything like that to my husband. I can't imagine saying that.
My husband isn't as big as some of the men I've been with but he turns me on more than a lot of people I've been with. She sounds like she's just trying to hurt you. I think most women are more emotionally connected when it comes to sex, and unless you are like three inches long and the width of a pencil I don't think there's an issue. This just seems very cruel to me. But even if a man is that small, why on earth would you want to hurt someone like that? I can't imagine a more cruel thing to say to someone. This is all just so cruel, I just don't know how you say something like that to someone you love. 
Even if a man were that small, if you love someone you make it work. There are other things you can do and I don't see why if she knew what size you were before you got married she would complain about it. This seems more to me about her trying to make you feel horrible.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I am sorry, but if I were your wife I might say the same thing, and let me translate it for you so you can get PEACE now. It is not your tool's size. But she is saying you have NOT satisfied her needs. 

REPEAT: it's not the tool's size. If you guys had a wonderful loving relationship, it would work out perfectly ok. And yes, your size is normal. 

BUT: she has NOT been satisfied. Because your relasionship is already stuck in a negative cycle. She is insecure. And she has all the reasons. If my husband has had all the EA and feelings you have towards other women and initiated separation, blah, blah, I would already be out of the door. 

And for all the people calling the wife rude, disrespectiful: yes, because she doesn't CARE anymore. I would not say what she said to my husband, but in my lifetime I was pissed off enough to almost say equivalent things (esp comparing him to another man). If your feelings have been hurt repeatedly, you FEEL you have the right to say anything. 

Also, I do not know your ages, but since you retaliated by putting it on FB, it seems you are probably in your 20's, if not teens (that would mean you guys got married in grade school). It's not too late to move on with your life and find new people.


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## marriedguy2 (Jun 2, 2011)

Umm, this thread has gotten pretty long in a relatively short period of time. Unfortunately, I can't say the quality of the advice has been that great. There are definitely a few gems here and there, but it seems like what has come out more than anything is the tendency for people to see things black and white, rather than shades of Gray.

Those of you who have said I haven't met her needs are right in a way, as those of you who said I'm responsible for her feeling unwanted. However, those with the exactly opposite opinions are also partially right.

More than anything, this thread has resulted in speculation about who is to blame and then basing a recommendation on that assumption. However, I'm going to stick to my guns and say that we have both contributed and ignore most of the advice here.

That's not to say I don't appreciate people attempting to help, but I think what this shows is our society's tendency towards judgement and I'm really disappointed in this. I don't stand to gain anything from this, but I hope those of you who have said harsh things about my wife or me think about it for a little bit, because I think this may relate to how you treat people in your personal relationships as well.

Goodbye for now!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I just read through all the posts - I think what people need to understand who post questions here on TAM is that you are going to get different opinions and different advice. Some come across rude, some indifferent, some supportive. If you want sugar and fairies, don't post here. It's up to you to weed out what you want to take on, and unfortunately for some people they only latch on to what they want to hear so end up no better off.

I think alot of good advice has been given here. From an outsiders perspective, you are both toxic for each other and have committed hurtful acts that can't be reversed. Neither of you seems particulary sorry. Can your marriage be worked out? Of course. It's only up to you and your wife. But I think you both need to work on how you communicate with each other. I think you both just have a bit of emotional maturing to do.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Oh look a penis only smaller.

one of my friends always jokes about his wife saying that to him.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Since when was it ONLY the husband's requirement to satisfy his wife's "needs"? Perhaps it became that way once women got out in the workplace to help provide financially for the family? But if this is so, where does that leave the women who earn nothing and yet find cause to cheat "emotionally"?


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