# Awkward statement from daughter-in-law



## Convection

So, now that I am back together with my wife in AZ on a permanent basis, I am getting to spend a lot more time with my step-son, his wife, and our granddaughter. She is just shy of 4 years old, and is absolutely adorable. 

Anyway, last Friday, we were sitting around having a BS session about something or the other. We drifted onto the topic of finances, and then life insurance. I made some joke to the effect that if my W passed away first, I'd be doomed to a life of old-age loneliness. My DIL looked at me and said, deadpan, "Oh, no, you are quite a catch. You'd do fine."

Moment of awkward silence, then conversation resumed.

It made me a little uncomfortable. This is not the first time DIL has made this kind of statement; she referred to me not-too-long ago as a "good-looking guy." I asked Lady Convection about it later and she shared in my mild discomfort at the situation. The worst thing is both times, it was said right in front of my step-son. DIL has complimented our son in front of us but has never directly praised his appearance or called him a catch.

I don't think DIL was hitting on me directly. Lady C is not so sure. Even putting our marriages aside, I would not be interested in my DIL; she's opinionated, loud, and I am not physically attracted to her. I've never given her any indication otherwise. Lady C told me DIL is very interested, though not enough to try anything ... yet. Lady C is better judge of people than I am, so I am unsure what to think. My DIL is actually closer to my age than my son's (Lady C is early 50s, I am early 40s, DIL is 40-ish, son 30-ish)

Kinda curious about what I should do. At the time, I let the conversation smooth over the uneasy feeling. I don't want to go back and address is now. I really don't want to bring it up with my son; he's pretty much a "manly" man and doesn't discuss feelings often or easily.

My going-in plan is to not mention it and keep future conversation away from potential mine fields. If DIL makes another comment, I will have to say something direct. I will try the easy ("Okay, enough of that, you'll make your H jealous.") approach first, and go from there. Things between DIL and the W are a little sketchy to begin with (W doesn't think DIL is right for son) so I am trying to avoid more trouble. I know damn well that I do not want to be alone with DIL for any extended period.

Any thoughts or suggestions?


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## EleGirl

The comment is hard to judge. She could have just been trying to bolster you up after your making a comment that sounded like you could never get another women.

Or there could be more to it.
Instead of a comment like "Okay, enough of that, you'll make your H jealous." I would suggest something else. 

If she is going it as a come-on to you, the best thing to do is to turn it into a complement of your wife. 

“That aside, whatever the reason was I’m blessed because Mrs. Convection marriage.” And then give you wife a peck on the cheek.

If she's trying to put the make on your in front of your wife and son, the last thing she will want is for what she said to be turned into a complement of your wife.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Next time just say awwwwwk-ward. And then move on to some other topic of conversation. There are probably things you should not discuss with her present, if she doesn't have good boundaries, you need to steer the conversation away from those kinds of comments. No biggie, really, but if you don't communicate to her and she's not picking up on it, you need to call it as it is.

I don't really think it's cool to talk about the demise of your spouse in mixed company. That alone has its own awkwardness.

Like attracts like. You opened a can of worms with a comment like that. Take a spoon and dig in?


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## unbelievable

Your comment about spending a life of loneliness kinda begged from a disagreeing response from anything female that just happened to be in your vicinity. I'd politely say, "thanks" or otherwise shrug her response off and I'd make a point to not cast my line in waters I didn't wish to fish in. As far as kids and grandkids are concerned, you are head-over-heels in love with your old lady, you're both going to live till you're 100 and croak on the same day. You don't think about or even notice other women. If your wife gets run over by a cement truck and you eventually meet someone else, it will be a surprise to you and any family members concerned. My sexual and/or romantic business doesn't concern family members so I make a point to not mention either around them.


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## SimplyAmorous

Convection said:


> I don't think DIL was hitting on me directly. Lady C is not so sure. Even putting our marriages aside, I would not be interested in my DIL; she's opinionated, loud, and I am not physically attracted to her. I've never given her any indication otherwise. Lady C told me DIL is very interested, though not enough to try anything ... yet. Lady C is better judge of people than I am, so I am unsure what to think.


I think you can chalk this up to a woman who is rather Unfiltered in her personality ... and doesn't realize that not everyone cares for HER personality....it is always helpful for the loud and obnoxious types to be self aware enough to know they shouldn't let it all hang out ....it causes raised eye brows....

Hopefully with the awkward silence, she will get a HINT she said a little too much... & needs to be more careful in the future.. 

I wouldn't jump to think she is after you.. as nothing you have said in this post points to that.. She's just mouthy ...a "speaks before she thinks" type....and well..now you know she thinks you're a catch...


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## Coffee Amore

My first thought is that she just says what comes to her head. I don't think I would assume she's hitting on you. The fact she says it while her husband is there in some ways makes me think she's NOT doing it to hit on you but rather to give you some moral support or boost you up (not sure whether you need it) but it might be her way of being supportive. If she said things like that to you privately and suggestively when it was just the two of you, I'd be more inclined to think there was more than just an unfiltered brain at work. Nothing you've written here so far sounds like someone making a pass at her step-FIL.


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## Thundarr

Take the complement and say thanks. But stop fishing for complements around her.


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## soccermom2three

I think what you said first was more awkward than what she said. She probably felt like she needed to respond in some way.


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## happy as a clam

unbelievable said:


> I'd politely say, "thanks" or otherwise shrug her response off and I'd make a point to not cast my line in waters I didn't wish to fish in.


Agree. Stop making "fishing" comments that she can respond to in an inappropriate way.

Always touch your wife, hold her hand, rub her shoulder, neck, kiss her cheek, when you are in the presence of DIL. The comments will stop.

But I really think you are misreading the whole situation. Your comments are drawing her responses. She feels she needs to bolster what she perceives as your low self-esteem. Stop making those kinds of comments, problem solved.


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## Convection

As to fishing for compliments, fair point. I wasn't intentionally looking for it. It was a lighthearted statement made after the rest of the adults present agreeing, while chuckling, that I am not the easiest person to live with. I didn't intend it as a compliment-fishing statement but maybe DIL read it as such. But foot-in-mouth-disease is a frequent ailment in my brain so the perspective that I did it to myself ... yes, very possible.

Then again, her previous comment was unsolicited (said when she entered the house, not seeing my wife nearby) and W saw DIL's comment the same way I did. So I am still torn. 

But what do say around here? You can only control yourself, right? Modification of my original thoughts: watch what I'm saying, keep conversation on up and up.

Thanks, guys, I appreciate the thoughts.


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## heartsbeating

Convection said:


> If DIL makes another comment, I will have to say something direct. I will try the easy ("Okay, enough of that, you'll make your H jealous.") approach first, and go from there.


I think that would make an awkward situation potentially even more awkward. I'd agree with those who viewed this as her boosting you up following your statement that could be perceived as low self esteem.

I'd imagine it may also be more charming for your wife to hear a compliment about what she brings to your life, could still even be light-hearted, rather than your perceived inability to hook anyone else. Even in jest.


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## heartsbeating

Convection said:


> But what do say around here? You can only control yourself, right? Modification of my original thoughts: watch what I'm saying, keep conversation on up and up.
> 
> Thanks, guys, I appreciate the thoughts.


I started typing before seeing your response.


You're welcome for my incredible wisdom.


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## jld

I think she was just trying to be nice, Convection. What did you really expect everyone to say? Maybe just laugh?

If she had any other intentions, I doubt she would have said anything in front of your wife and stepson.

When we read a lot here on TAM, I think we can become extra sensitive to infidelity. But I really don't think there is danger lurking around every corner. 

And it's not like you could not just say No, and defend yourself. I am sure you have good boundaries.


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## Fenix

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Next time just say awwwwwk-ward. And then move on to some other topic of conversation. There are probably things you should not discuss with her present, if she doesn't have good boundaries, you need to steer the conversation away from those kinds of comments. No biggie, really, but if you don't communicate to her and she's not picking up on it, you need to call it as it is.
> 
> I don't really think it's cool to talk about the demise of your spouse in mixed company. That alone has its own awkwardness.
> 
> Like attracts like. You opened a can of worms with a comment like that. Take a spoon and dig in?


Especially with the age difference.


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## Fenix

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think you can chalk this up to a woman who is rather Unfiltered in her personality ... and doesn't realize that not everyone cares for HER personality....it is always helpful for the loud and obnoxious types to be self aware enough t*o know they shouldn't let it all hang out ....it causes raised eye brows....*


Why?

Why should she not let it hang out with family? Why should she have to be overly concerned about this in front of what should be safe people. Maybe she isn't a good fit...but I am not so sure the problem is her.

My gut reaction when a guy says he doesn't care for opinionated and loud women is that the guy has issues. I understand that this is not always the case, but it is often enough to give me pause.


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## Jellybeans

This makes me wonder if anytime I have told a man he is attractive/will do well with the ladies/will find someone, if he thinks I am hitting on him.


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## Miss Taken

Jellybeans said:


> This makes me wonder if anytime I have told a man he is attractive/will do well with the ladies/will find someone, if he thinks I am hitting on him.


It reminds me of this:










I have no comment on the first time she said something that made you think she was flirting with you. But I can't say that I think she was flirting this time. Anytime I'm around someone who seems to be putting themselves down, I tend to try to pick them back up. So if I heard you say that if you were widowed you'd be destined to die lonely, I would probably have said something similar as DIL did. Not because I'd be flirting but because I don't like it when people beat themselves up.


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## Philat

I can't see anything here other than a family member saying something positive about another family member.


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## jld

Jellybeans said:


> This makes me wonder if anytime I have told a man he is attractive/will do well with the ladies/will find someone, if he thinks I am hitting on him.


No kidding. I have said many kind things to many people. Does that mean they think I want to jump in bed with them?

Some people are oriented towards words of affirmation. We like to get them, we like to give them. It is our way of showing love.

And really, what is wrong with showing love?


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## Convection

So the consensus seems to be that I made more of this than I should have. Okay, that's fair.



Miss Taken said:


> Anytime I'm around someone who seems to be putting themselves down, I tend to try to pick them back up. So if I heard you say that if you were widowed you'd be destined to die lonely, I would probably have said something similar as DIL did. Not because I'd be flirting but because I don't like it when people beat themselves up.


I wasn't really beating myself up; it was, at worst, self-deprecating humor. Re-reading it, I very much failed to convey the tone of the conversation in my original post. It wasn't self-pitying. If my wife left me or passed away, I do not truly believe I would end up alone unless I wanted to. But maybe DIL didn't see it that way and reacted as you said you would. Good viewpoint.



Coffee Amore said:


> The fact she says it while her husband is there in some ways makes me think she's NOT doing it to hit on you but rather to give you some moral support or boost you up (*not sure whether you need it*)


I don't. If anything, I probably need to be reined in a little. Again, it's a true statement that DIL might not have seen it that way.



Fenix said:


> Why?
> 
> Why should she not let it hang out with family? Why should she have to be overly concerned about this in front of what should be safe people. Maybe she isn't a good fit...but I am not so sure the problem is her.
> 
> My gut reaction when a guy says he doesn't care for opinionated and loud women is that the guy has issues. I understand that this is not always the case, but it is often enough to give me pause.


Just in the interest of full disclosure, I don't care for men who are that way either. My friends tend to be quiet, calm, confident types. I never thought DIL should not be who she is, especially with family. But who she is, is not someone I would opt to befriend in other circumstances.



jld said:


> And really, what is wrong with showing love?


Nothing. And maybe that's what she was trying to do. DIL and I are not particularly close but since I am around more, maybe she was trying to be supportive. Very possible.

Again, I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. All good food for thought.


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## Omego

What is the step-son like? Is he attractive? 

I don't have much to add to all of the good comments already given. However, I can see why you feel awkward.

You and the step-son are both with women 10 years-older, so as you said, technically, you and the step-daughter are more compatible in terms of age range... which of course could lead to unwanted ambiguity.

If you were 50 and she were 25 it would be an entirely different story.


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