# Is it cheating?



## Confused29 (Aug 31, 2021)

I am struggling. My husband and I have been separated for about 2 months, he has been very open about wanting me to come home, but I recently heard him on the phone talking to someone. It turned out to be his ex girlfriend from about 15 years ago. He lied to me. About a few things.. he said they spoke on the phone the afternoon before. Which explains why he didn’t call me, something he always does. Then he said they spoke that morning (which is when I heard him when I was coming in) and then his phone suddenly doesn’t work….I asked if they had been texting, he said no, I asked if those were the only times they spoke and he said yes, he said they talked about me or me and him. Which made me feel..? Idk how to explain it. I asked if I could see his phone to get it working again he said go ahead, I did a soft reset and there comes up the screen. Oh and a LOT of texts, pictures, and then the phone call, the phone call that lasted 11 HOURS. He talked to her ALL night. I feel so hurt, and confused, he said he’s so sorry and he f*cked up but I feel so betrayed. I don’t know what to think. How are you supposed to trust again after someone lied to you? This is so out of character for him. Would you call this a cheating instance? It doesn’t seem like cheating but it hurts like hell.
This is so long I’m just lost tonight.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

It is an Emotional affair at the very least.


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

So the gorilla in the room…why are you separated?


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## Confused29 (Aug 31, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> It is an Emotional affair at the very least.


I felt that way, but even if it was just the 2 days they were talking?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you have an agreement not to talk to others while you’re separated? Some look at separation as an excuse to date or whatever.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Confused29 said:


> I felt that way, but even if it was just the 2 days they were talking?


All it takes is a few minutes to get emotionally involved and an 11 hour phone conversation would seem to qualify.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Confused29 said:


> I felt that way, but even if it was just the 2 days they were talking?


I suppose it also depends on their conversations in that 11 hours. Maybe it was closure.. maybe it was his past and he was reliving something.. but yes. His attentions were turned to her and the lying and secrecy around it does hurt.

Why are you separated?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Lying about another woman is difficult to deal with no matter what actually happened.


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## Dontknowwheretobegin (Aug 24, 2021)

Absolutely a betrayal. Regardless of what put you physically separated, this needs to be addressed. I’ve never understood the fascination with exes?! With the exception of wanting to look better than you did when you were with them. Clearly there’s something still there. I’d try my best to find as much evidence as possible. You need to have as much info to have the upper hand. I’ve always favored “giving the benefit of the doubt” until I was having my own marital issues, then it was balls to the wall. Being separated can make that difficult. I was able to access everything from personal credit cards to private messages. But being physically removed from the situation can make things much more difficult. Hiring a private investigator might sound intimidating, but they’re far more reliable, accessible and affordable than they sound. It couldn’t hurt. You must do right by yourself and your conscience. If it feels wrong it IS wrong. Always trust your gut.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Confused29 said:


> How are you supposed to trust again after someone lied to you? This is so out of character for him. Would you call this a cheating instance?


Why would you want to trust him after all the lies?

This reminds me of a quote… Zsa Zsa Gabor I think… you never know a man until you have divorced him. 

I think this man is showing you who he is and where you stand. Maybe… believe him.


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## Dontknowwheretobegin (Aug 24, 2021)

Trusting after lying is incredibly difficult, but not impossible. You just can’t blind yourself into thinking about what’s convenient. I’ve found marriage isn’t always easy and takes self reflection and recognition from everyone involved. Your situation is incredibly difficult and you NEED to do what’s right by YOU until ALL feels correct. I don’t think Zsa Zsa Gábor should be marriage inspiration to ANYONE btw 😂


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Vorpal said:


> So the gorilla in the room…why are you separated?


Yes. You are separated. Apparently against his wishes. Why are you separated? When my wife, who had had an affair that I was trying to work through, started insisting on separation because working through the aftermath and my substantial pain and confusion was difficult or something, I was very clear that I saw separation as the end or another deliberate step in that direction and that if we separated as she was insisting I was going to start to move on and would talk to other people. She (and our stupid therapist) were offended (at least feigned) that I would do such a drastic and destructive thing. Ha. Why are you separated? How does he feel about you separating? Did he agree to any ground rules?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well even IF he was talking to her about YOUR relationship ship… that’s betraying you!
How will he heal a relationship ship with you when he is connecting to her?

Why did you separate to begin with? What happened?

He lied on top of that…you can’t trust him at all.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Well even IF he was talking to her about YOUR relationship ship… that’s betraying you!
> How will he heal a relationship ship with you when he is connecting to her?
> 
> Why did you separate to begin with? What happened?
> ...


I don't know. Is it "cheating" if he never agreed to separation? She left. He asked her to come home. She said no. How often does separation "heal" a relationship? How long does he have to wait for her to decide whether or not she is coming back? Are those the rules? She gets to put the marriage on indefinite hold and he is more or less captive and has to sit on his hands whenever and for however long it suits her? Why she left, what he had to say about it, and whether he agreed not to talk to other people if she left are all important to know.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's important as to why you are separated. 
However if he wants you to come home he isn't helping that to happen by having an EA.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Confused29 said:


> I am struggling. My husband and I have been separated for about 2 months, he has been very open about wanting me to come home, but I recently heard him on the phone talking to someone. It turned out to be his ex girlfriend from about 15 years ago. He lied to me. About a few things.. he said they spoke on the phone the afternoon before. Which explains why he didn’t call me, something he always does. Then he said they spoke that morning (which is when I heard him when I was coming in) and then his phone suddenly doesn’t work….I asked if they had been texting, he said no, I asked if those were the only times they spoke and he said yes, he said they talked about me or me and him. Which made me feel..? Idk how to explain it. I asked if I could see his phone to get it working again he said go ahead, I did a soft reset and there comes up the screen. Oh and a LOT of texts, pictures, and then the phone call, the phone call that lasted 11 HOURS. He talked to her ALL night. I feel so hurt, and confused, he said he’s so sorry and he f*cked up but I feel so betrayed. I don’t know what to think. How are you supposed to trust again after someone lied to you? This is so out of character for him. Would you call this a cheating instance? It doesn’t seem like cheating but it hurts like hell.
> This is so long I’m just lost tonight.


When you separated was there any discussion about other relationships, dating, etc. 
Why did you separate, because he was cheating? How old are you both. Are there kids involved?

He is cheating, at least having an emotional affair if not already a physical affair. 

Do a hard 180 on him. no contact, no nothing. Just go silent. Tell your family and friends to not answer his queries, nothing.
Go see a lawyer as to your options. You need to start playing hardball. Do not give him a heads up. He needs to see what he is going to lose. At the moment he has you hanging on a string and he's out talking to the ladies/ in an affair. He is having his cake and eating it. Don't let him. In fact he doesn't sound like he is worth keeping.
Have the lawyer draw up divorce papers, you do not have to go through with a divorce but let your WH know that you mean business.
Tell all your family and friends what he has done, do not cover for him at all, let him deal with the fall out. This is not your burden to carry. let him handle the shame.
The go get STD tested in case it was physical.
Get some counselling or therapy to help you through the dark times as you are struggling.
Go to gym, take care of your body, do things to entertain yourself, go out with friends, etc.
YOU can do this.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

When you left, he was released to seek other women.
What other outcome did you imagine?

He's not cheating, you've already gone.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Dontknowwheretobegin said:


> Trusting after lying is incredibly difficult, but not impossible. You just can’t blind yourself into thinking about what’s convenient. I’ve found marriage isn’t always easy and takes self reflection and recognition from everyone involved. Your situation is incredibly difficult and you NEED to do what’s right by YOU until ALL feels correct. I don’t think Zsa Zsa Gábor should be marriage inspiration to ANYONE btw 😂


No buts she’s divorce inspiration. The woman had a point. Amazing what happens when people get divorced or someone dies. Now Cindi Lauper is singing about True Colors in my head. It’s your fault.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Dontknowwheretobegin said:


> I don’t think Zsa Zsa Gábor should be marriage inspiration to ANYONE btw 😂


An inspiration for all men though as she once said .........
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You left him. He wanted you to come back home and you didn't. Now he's exploring his other options. Quite naturally. Is it cheating? Depends on your point of view. To me, you left and he's free to do as he pleases.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Confused29 said:


> I am struggling. My husband and I have been separated for about 2 months, he has been very open about wanting me to come home, but I recently heard him on the phone talking to someone. It turned out to be his ex girlfriend from about 15 years ago. He lied to me. About a few things.. he said they spoke on the phone the afternoon before. Which explains why he didn’t call me, something he always does. Then he said they spoke that morning (which is when I heard him when I was coming in) and then his phone suddenly doesn’t work….I asked if they had been texting, he said no, I asked if those were the only times they spoke and he said yes, he said they talked about me or me and him. Which made me feel..? Idk how to explain it. I asked if I could see his phone to get it working again he said go ahead, I did a soft reset and there comes up the screen. Oh and a LOT of texts, pictures, and then the phone call, the phone call that lasted 11 HOURS. He talked to her ALL night. I feel so hurt, and confused, he said he’s so sorry and he f*cked up but I feel so betrayed. I don’t know what to think. How are you supposed to trust again after someone lied to you? This is so out of character for him. Would you call this a cheating instance? It doesn’t seem like cheating but it hurts like hell.
> This is so long I’m just lost tonight.


Would you consider this cheating if the other person had been male? Probably not, which shows a bias on your part. Now this doesn't mean that his actions are pure or that he's not lied to you about things or whatever. It just means that the other person being female doesn't instantly put it in the category of cheating. For some reason, people can not get it in their heads, that many people can and do have opposite sex friends that they can pour their heart out to, especially if its about the things they can't talk to their spouse about. Hell, at this point for all you know this woman is aa lesbian and thus not affair potential. Now this does not mean that you should dismiss the possibility of an affair, even an only emotional one. I'm only saying that it is too early and there is too little evidence to jump to conclusions. More marriages fail due to such jumps than rightfully fail due to actual affairs. Then again, if that is the level of mistrust in the marriage then maybe it does rightfully fail.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

This problem is the same one that @VintageRetro is probably going to experience when his wife, again, takes up the company of another man. His decision to not have sex with a woman is not binding on her to decide whether to have sex, again, with a man. Women or men who want to reconcile but who are denied by their spouses eventually give up and move on. The denying spouse needs to accept the reality.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

It would help to know the reason for the separation in order to proceed.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok, I'm gonna take a stab at this.

Lying is not in his normal character.
You wanted a separation.
You replied to the person who said what validated what you felt but ignored the question of why you separated.

I would bet every last dollar in my pocket (which I admit isn't much) that you separated due to your feelings for or dealings with another man. When you chose to separate you chose to allow him to talk to whomever he wants to (unless established otherwise). It really isn't any of your business who he uses to unload his emotional baggage on at this point and this is your choice due to wanting to remain separated. Yes he lied, but he did NOT cheat. Is this by chance an attempt on your part to shoehorn a major screw up on his part just to justify yours?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

uphillbattle said:


> Ok, I'm gonna take a stab at this.
> 
> Lying is not in his normal character.
> You wanted a separation.
> ...


Well, I didn’t even consider this… good points. Not sure we will ever hear the answer to why they are separated but it would make sense.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> Would you consider this cheating if the other person had been male? Probably not, which shows a bias on your part. Now this doesn't mean that his actions are pure or that he's not lied to you about things or whatever. It just means that the other person being female doesn't instantly put it in the category of cheating. For some reason, people can not get it in their heads, that many people can and do have opposite sex friends that they can pour their heart out to, especially if its about the things they can't talk to their spouse about. Hell, at this point for all you know this woman is aa lesbian and thus not affair potential. Now this does not mean that you should dismiss the possibility of an affair, even an only emotional one. I'm only saying that it is too early and there is too little evidence to jump to conclusions. *More marriages fail due to such jumps than rightfully fail due to actual affairs. *Then again, if that is the level of mistrust in the marriage then maybe it does rightfully fail.


I don't think that assertion is backed up by any actually data.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

*Confused29*

you know only about 5% of what he's doing/done

sorry - and he'll lie and manipulate you and try and hide it all and explain it all away ..... trying to cover what he's doing/done


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m confused too. Lol

confused on why we can’t get an answer to why the separation.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m confused too. Lol
> 
> confused on why we can’t get an answer to why the separation.


You got the answer just not from her. Just look at it. I don't think you will see the answer from her.


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