# They say don't stay for the kids but they will be heartbroken I'm sure :(



## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Looking for some advice on how to talk to my 6 year old about us splitting? I have been considering it for quite some time and I'm sure it will be better in the end but my kids are only 6 and 2.5. My 6 year old is sooooo sensitive and I'm having a hard time leaving because I don't want to let them down. What did you say to your young kiddos?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find a counselor who sees children. Get your 6 year old into counseling and have the counselor help you figure out how to tell your child. None of us know your child so we cannot tell you how to handle this with your very sensitive child.

When I left my son's father, my son, 6 years old, told me that I had to leave his father. At 6 years old he knew that what his father was doing was profoundly wrong. The divorce still was hard on my son in some ways. But he worked through it and is doing fine.. he's 29 now. It all just seems to long ago now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Kids need love,support, attention, guidence, fun and play, nutritious food, physical safety, security, a reliable means to go to and from school, access to friends and family members, medical care etc

Is there any realistic reason to believe he won't get those things following a divorce?

It's we adults that worry about the "devastation to the children."

But when kids continue to get those needs met following the divorce - then where is all this harm and devastation coming from???

The devil is in the details. If the sole breadwinning spouse takes off without a trace and provides no financial support, the child will be impacted by the loss of financial support.

If one parent is seriously neglectful or abusive or addicted and is for some reason awarded custody, that would obviously be deleterious to their well being.

But if both parents are loving, supportive, involved and not a drunk/druggie, not abusive etc - then where is the harm???

Yes it is inconvenient and a pain to be shuffled off between two houses and dealing with separate holiday meals etc.

But they aren't harmed or damaged.

Harm comes from abuse, addiction, gross neglect, abandonment and being in an environment of chronic hostility.

Many children of divorce in retrospect wish the divorce had happened sooner.

The church ladies and religious right want people to believe that children will invariably be harmed and damaged because they want people to come to church and pray (and pay).

There are studies that show harmful effects in children from divorced families. But how many of those problems are from the result of the abuse, violence, hostility, addiction etc etc that came from the home environment prior to the divorce while both warring parents were still together??

Getting kids out of a high-conflict hostile environment benefits then vs remaining in the hostile environment.

It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes he will be hurt and very upset, but if you are sure that it cant be saved then you cant avoid that. Make sure that he knows that its NOT something he has done that has caused it and that he knows exactly when and where he will be seeing his mum and dad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Kids need love,support, attention, guidence, fun and play, nutritious food, physical safety, security, a reliable means to go to and from school, access to friends and family members, medical care etc
> 
> Is there any realistic reason to believe he won't get those things following a divorce?
> 
> ...


Sorry but I know many children of divorced parents(several in my own family), and they were all harmed and hurt and the effects do last well into adulthood and can affect future relationships and marriages. 
That's why ending a marriage must be as a very last resort after all other avenues have been tried.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Sorry but I know many children of divorced parents(several in my own family), and they were all harmed and hurt and the effects do last well into adulthood and can affect future relationships and marriages.
> That's why ending a marriage must be as a very last resort after all other avenues have been tried.


Did the harm come from going between two loving, supportive and involved parent's two homes and going to two different Christmas dinners?

Or did the harm come from abuse, neglect, addiction etc or from living in a hostile environment prior to the divorce or from some kind of abuse or addiction, abandonment etc from one or the other of the parents after the divorce?

In other words was the fact that two parents separated and are living in two separate houses causing this 'damage' or is there some kind of associated abuse, addiction, neglect, environment of hostility etc etc that has caused it? 

If these kids grew up in an environment of hostility, violence, chemical addiction etc etc, then yes, I can believe they have some issues. 

And if that is the case, the question could also be asked is would the damage and effects be even worse today had the divorce(s) not occurred and they were still all under the same roof with the hostility and abuse etc? So instead of the divorce(s) causing the harm, did it actually head off further harm that may have occurred had the divorce not happened at all?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You'll be surprised how resilient and adaptable they are. Well I know mine was anyway, still is. Still strong.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

My parents divorced when I was 7.

I disagree that it was a terrible trauma - it was MUCH better than living in a home where your parents can't stand each other any more. 

My older siblings and I all agree that it was the best. For us and them. And I am not sure that it negatively impacted our future relationships. All of us are on our first marriages, me 16 years, my sister 20, my brother 25.

But I will say my parents did a lot of things right.

We had family and individual counseling through the process. Yes! My parents were adult enough to go to counseling together even while they were getting divorced.

They had a written agreement that neither parent could move more than 25 miles apart until the youngest (me) was 18. In reality, they lived .5 miles apart till I was 15, I could walk from one house to the other.

They co-parented well. Most days my mom picked me up from school, I spent the afternoon and homework time with her, then my dad would pick me up after work, and I would spend the evening and night with him - he would then take me to school the next morning.

They would both attend school meetings, sporting events etc. We even all had Thanksgiving etc together (at my maternal grad parents). Christmas Eve at Mom's, day at dads etc.

In short - having two HAPPY parents, who weren't fighting, and who could be civil enough to come together for the interest of their children was SO MUCH BETTER than living in a house full of tension.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> That's why ending a marriage must be as a very last resort after all other avenues have been tried.


In instances involving any kind of abuse, addiction/alcoholism, gross neglect/abandonment, chronic hostility or violence of any kind, I disagree pretty strongly and believe in those instances that the best course of action is to get the kids out of that environment and get the marriage dissolved and the players away from each other as quickly, efficiently and painlessly as possible. 

Divorce is often not a dark force and in many instances is the salvation and saving grace.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Did the harm come from going between two loving, supportive and involved parent's two homes and going to two different Christmas dinners?
> 
> Or did the harm come from abuse, neglect, addiction etc or from living in a hostile environment prior to the divorce or from some kind of abuse or addiction, abandonment etc from one or the other of the parents after the divorce?
> 
> ...


These were all children who had 2 non abusive/addicted parents who both still saw the children regularly. I used to baby sit for one of the families. The 4 year old in one started bedwetting after the dad left and eventually had to see someone for child therapy as his life was so upset. It took ages for him to be himself again. 
I can remember in my late teens that my parents were very close to breaking up. I can still remember how devastated I was even at that age.My niece was 15 when her parents broke up, she went through a very bad time, was withdrawn and very unhappy for ages. 

People say, well children are resilient, they want to think that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> In instances involving any kind of abuse, addiction/alcoholism, gross neglect/abandonment, chronic hostility or violence of any kind, I disagree pretty strongly and believe in those instances that the best course of action is to get the kids out of that environment and get the marriage dissolved and the players away from each other as quickly, efficiently and painlessly as possible.
> 
> Divorce is often not a dark force and in many instances is the salvation and saving grace.


In the small number of divorces caused by serious issues such as severe abuse and drug addiction I agree. Nearly all of the many divorces that I know of were not caused by such issues.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You are correct in that it will be better for your kids in the long run. Some fail to realize that their children's idea of love and marriage will be learned from their parents. Growing up with loveless parents who fight a lot is not going to give the kids a proper idea of what marriage and love is all about. Plus the odds are that one or both of you will cheat. We know three couples who tried to stay together for the children and failed. In all cases trying to live together in the same house, but in separate bedrooms did not work out. In theory it was easy. In practice it was not since one or both ended up wanting to live with someone else that they met.

As to what to tell them, I really do not know since I have not been in your situation. You may wish to do so under the guidance of a child Psychologist. Older kids have friends from divorced parents so they understand better than very young kids. There may even be books on the subject. What works for someone else may not work for you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In lockstep with those who advocate getting advice from a good counselor on how to properly convey this "split" to the child!

Staying simply for the sake of the child is the most counterproductive thing that could ever be done for them, as well as the parents! 

No one, more especially the children, deserves to live in the midst of some self-inflicted hellhole!*


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *In lockstep with those who advocate getting advice from a good counselor on how to properly convey this "split" to the child!
> 
> Staying simply for the sake of the child is the most counterproductive thing that could ever be done for them, as well as the parents!
> 
> No one, more especially the children, deserves to live in the midst of some self-inflicted hellhole!*


I stayed much longer than I should have because I worried about what divorce would do to my kids. None of them ever want to get married. Ever. Because what they saw was miserable and lonely and....like to bad roommates who...ugh, I still can't even talk about how staying in my marriage hurt my kids without tearing up. They'd have been very hurt and would have needed counseling if I had left when I knew it would never change. But they'd probably be more functional adults with less disdain for relationships. Two of them are university age and have never even been on a date. And they don't want to.

It is the thing that makes me feel most guilty. Sometimes, bitterly, I think "I hope Pastor ____ is happy. I stayed till I couldn't bear it and only left as a last resort. Yay me."


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I will add. My father remarried when I was 13.

And to this day, he and his wife have a beautiful relationship. It's really the kind of stuff people strive for. It was, and is to this very day a great modle.

And I love my step mom, she is a wonderful, smart, successful woman who is a good influence on me. And I love the way she loves my dad, and the amazing life they have together (currently retired, full of horse back riding, car racing, traveling, and living in a gorgeous place - I am so jealous!).

The bio parent's do not need to be the only option when it comes to creating an example relationship for children.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

The conversation about the separation or divorce, could be made easier if the 2 of you remain amicable. It took 3 years for my X and I to reach a point where there was no reason to fight. We decided on 50/50 custody and all the bills were split. Once finances were removed from the equation, reasonable request for modifications were made on the basis of availability and you scratch my back I will scratch yours.(not literally)

Work on the term of separation before talking to the kids.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There are several books about how to talk to kids about divorce. Just google the topic at Barnes and Nobles or Amazon and you'll find them.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

MamaLew said:


> Looking for some advice on how to talk to my 6 year old about us splitting? I have been considering it for quite some time and I'm sure it will be better in the end but my kids are only 6 and 2.5. My 6 year old is sooooo sensitive and I'm having a hard time leaving because I don't want to let them down. What did you say to your young kiddos?


We sat them down and explained we would be living separate but they would still see us both and talk to us both as much as they wanted, we told them we loved them very much and sometimes these things happen and we are still their family etc.

Unfortunately its how you act after which affects the kids as they see actions and forget words. for the first few weeks there was some upset going between houses, i would often go see them to give a hug or say hi and I made sure to always be available by phone if they called. But as conflict grew between me and my XW things got worse, the worst thing you can do is involve the children in the Divorce emotions or use them as pawns, my XW has not figured this part out yet. When they are with me they NEVER call her or very very rarely, when they are with the Mum my D6 calls me 3 times a day and more on weekends and always seems very lonely, it is heart breaking and nothing I can do about it.

Basically what I am saying is kids will be fine if the adults continue to act as parents and provide them security and shelter them from the hurt emotions and parental conflict and work together at least in regards to parenting the kids and being on the same page, they are hurt and damaged by being exposed to things they shouldn't see or hear.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> In the small number of divorces caused by serious issues such as severe abuse and drug addiction I agree. Nearly all of the many divorces that I know of were not caused by such issues.


Then you come from a completely different world than I because almost every divorced couple that I know in person involved adultery, addiction/alcoholism, complete abandonment or some form of abuse.

I do not personally know a single couple personally that divorced because a faithful,kind, loving and supportive spouse was squeezing the tube of toothpaste from the wrong end. 

I've never know anyone personally that divorced for no valid reason. 

And IMHO those valid reasons are the cause of harm and damage in children and that is why it is important to get the kids out of toxic environments as promptly and efficiently as possible before more harm is caused.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Personally, I think a lot of parents trepidation about children and divorce are due more to our own heartache, anger, baggage and projection rather than any direct harm the divorce itself causes children.

In other words we have our own baggage and misgivings about it and so we use "...for the children.." As our own excuse for inaction and for enduring an insufferable situation and toxic environment.

It's our baggage as adults and we project that onto the children. 

Divorce doesn't harm kids. 

(Sometimes it saves kids, but that's for another discussion)

It's the toxic environment causing and leading to the divorce that harms kids. 

Some times divorce is the cure.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Sorry but I know many children of divorced parents(several in my own family), and they were all harmed and hurt and the effects do last well into adulthood and can affect future relationships and marriages.
> That's why ending a marriage must be as a very last resort after all other avenues have been tried.


And as Oldshirt has stated, you have no idea if they would have been worse off without the divorce. So once again, complete projection on your part with no basis in fact.


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## lilianagrace (Mar 2, 2018)

I divorced when my daughter was 6 and I really wasn't prepared for the impact it would have on her. I knew it would be hard but wow.. on the drive home from her weekend with her Dad it was an hour and a half of bawling and asking me why I did this in a horrible distraught voice. This happened for a few years. It's better now but so hard on her. It didn't help that he's made a few poor decisions like moving farther and farther away. She's 10 now. Therapy is a must! Getting her into therapy was the turning point for us and it helped her cope with the things she could not change. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I stayed for my child because I believed that was the better path. It wasn't. 

Yes, divorce is a huge adjustment and it can be a long one. But worse is what a child lives with when their parents stay together and shouldn't.


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