# Is it too late to repair our marriage



## Jarod (Oct 24, 2013)

Thanks in advance for any time you take reading or replying.

I need to talk about this with someone but I don't have anyone I'm close enough with to talk to, and we don't have enough money to pay for professional help right now.

We have been married for 2.5 years and dated for 4.5 years. We both had a rough home life growing up, but her parents divorced and mine stayed together. I'm 28 and she is almost 3 years younger.

We have had a hard time since we were engaged. All the insecurities she had amplified during the engagement and it freaked me out a lot and I was unsure if we were making the right decision. I ended up telling her how I was feeling and my concerns, and it really hurt her. That hurt stayed with her for the next year. I did everything I could to make her feel safe, loved, secure, beautiful, and be there to encourage growth in life, but it didn't really seem to work. Also I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship, and I felt like she really didn't like me at all, and she was faking liking me. I eventually became resentful and stopped doing things as often to make her feel safe, loved, etc... and did things that were hurtful to her (these were not intentional... more like reactions out of negative emotion) and eventually she would do something that was like the last pin prick in a balloon and I would blow up and say something hurtful to her. Any progress that was made was gone at that point. We lived in that cycle for a year. It happened once every month or two. We read books, I tried talking with my brother who is in a good marriage, but nothing really helped. But it seemed to get better after one of the last times we had the cyclical "blow up" she was honest about how she was holding on to that hurt from our engagement. She told me she hasn't really liked me since but she likes the idea of being with me and loves me.

That really hurt me and it still does. After that; the cycle of our first year kind of just stopped. We had a time where things were good, and times where things were not good. But they weren't bad like before. That was the majority of the second year. good bad good bad etc. Then things got really good and stayed like that for a little bit (1-2 months). she seemed to have grown and some of her insecurities were no longer an issue for her. She started recognizing things that would make her feel loved. The only problem was, they were things I used to do that seemed to have no positive effect on her previously. All that resentment came back for me at that point. It was like I got no credit for doing those things in the past, and I was skeptical that they would work now. For me it was like a year of hard work for nothing, with no recognition. I still have some resentment about it I'm trying to get over.

Most recently, we have emotionally grown apart a lot more and don't have that much of an emotional connection. And we haven't had sex in maybe 2 months. Our sex life before that was 1-4 times a month. Nothing special. and sometimes there was no intimacy in it. This is where we're at now. Lack of intimacy emotionally and physically. But the emotional part is especially hard for me. I'm more emotional and she is more physical. So now we are both not getting the things we most need. We still hug, and kiss occasionally and cuddle a little if we are watching a show, but that's it. And the kissing feels empty.

In the past there would be emotional separation, but we would always come back together and feel connected, but now, it's not coming back, and every time something happens it causes more separation for me.

I don't want to divorce and neither does she, but I also don't want us to be miserable. I really don't know what to do. If someone has advice, or could bounce ideas back that might be helpful. Maybe some perspective...


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## Guy Noir (Oct 25, 2013)

Well, I have no advice for you. My situation is similar to yours. The cycle of your first year is where we've been at for the past year. Our first year was the most miserable year of my life. I don't know how I got through it. She's really under the influence of her father and her family and I do not get along. 

Anyway, more to your point, I've lived with emotional separation and a sexless existence for 4 years. It's been soul crushingly awful. Our couples therapist doesn't understand why we still try. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...here's what happens if you stay together. You will know a loneliness you've never known before. It's going to cut to the very core of your heart. 

I don't know how the communication is with your wife, but if she listens to you, then you guys need to have a heart to heart. Like, tell her everything you said here. 

Even though I've seen no change in our marriage after therapy, I still recommend it if you can afford it. If you're aware your wife has physical needs and you have emotional needs, then you have something to build on. My wife seems to have all her emotional needs met by friends and family and doesn't have physical needs.


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## sadallot (Nov 3, 2013)

I wish you could be more open as to the things that you did or said to her earlier in the relationship that made her put up a wall to you.
As a woman I see this different.... you feel resentment that the things you started doing again made a difference to her but they didn't in the past.... the reason for that was SHE WAS STILL HURT !!!!!! and when a woman is still hurt and that hurt has not been fixed she can not respond the way you hope she will .

As I see this you have said and done some cruel things also and I don't know if you actually fixed them with her...
After a while a woman will just close herself off and shut you out !

I think you need to take a hard look at your actions in this marriage and stop thinking you wasted a year trying to make things right... 
If you REALLY love her then fight for her !!! That's what she needs to see. 
Once she feels loved and safe in this marriage she may also let down her guard and you might see some real emotional bonding during sex from her.... JMO...


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I believe it is never too late to work on building a marriage.

Yes, if you really love her, fight for your relationship
ALso do not ever view that year as a wasted year. That alone would tell me you really do not cared about the time together.

Can you afford counseling? Try reading threads in the "Long Term success in Marriage"

Remember that a marriage is 50/50 you both have to equally participate to make your marriage work.
Maybe you should introduce her to this website?


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