# Should partners past sex life affect you as a husband or wife?



## Davie (May 4, 2020)

Hi my name is David. Before I start let me say I never saw myself falling in love with my wife she was with one of my close friends then over a year later after they split up somehow we connected. Now, he recorded a sex tape of them back In the day and now we have been married 10 years since then. I think about it and it hurts me now all though it probably shouldn’t. She’s a great woman. But I saw what I saw and she turns me down a lot when I want to make love to her she makes excuses. Too sensitive or whatever. And I’m like thinking in my head I saw what you did to my friend and you can’t love me? Am I wrong???


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Davie said:


> Am I wrong???


Yes.


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## Davie (May 4, 2020)

Please explain I don’t understand forgive me I want to..


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

What sex she has shared with others recorded or otherwise in the past, isn't about you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you knew about the sex tape before you got together with your wife then you can’t really complain about it now. Other than a time machine there’s nothing she can do about it. 
If she’s claiming health reasons are preventing her from having sex then she needs to see a medical professional and find out what the problem is.
However if she just doesn’t want to have sex then you need to find out is it just you she doesn’t want to have it with. 
A woman that was comfortable enough with herself to allow herself to be filmed having sex doesn’t suddenly stop wanting it unless there’s something else happening and you need to get to the bottom of this. Has there been any big changes physically with either of you, weight gain etc. Do you shower regularly, does she?
You say she’s on her phone for hours at a time. With who?


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

How did you come to see this recording?


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## Davie (May 4, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> If you knew about the sex tape before you got together with your wife then you can’t really complain about it now. Other than a time machine there’s nothing she can do about it.
> If she’s claiming health reasons are preventing her from having sex then she needs to see a medical professional and find out what the problem is.
> However if she just doesn’t want to have sex then you need to find out is it just you she doesn’t want to have it with.
> A woman that was comfortable enough with herself to allow herself to be filmed having sex doesn’t suddenly stop wanting it unless there’s something else happening and you need to get to the bottom of this. Has there been any big changes physically with either of you, weight gain etc. Do you shower regularly, does she?
> You say she’s on her phone for hours at a time. With who?


She’s had a tummy tuck I paid for and she’s super hot now.,, the sex tape idk it was with one of my friends and I honestly didn’t see us falling in love. It it happened now I’m lost because she’s less intimidate with me then she was before so I’m confused


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is kind of a red flag. She’s “super hot” you say but isn’t intimate with you. Who is she looking hot for then? 
It’s time to start investigating and start by trying to figure out who’s she messaging all night.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> ...
> *A woman that was comfortable enough with herself to allow herself to be filmed having sex doesn’t suddenly stop wanting it unless there’s something else happening and you need to get to the bottom of this. *


The implications of what you're saying are pretty disturbing. What a woman has done in the past with other men in no way indicates what she should be "allowing" with you. If you extend that mindset, you could say that if a guy knows that a woman has had sex with some other guys on the first date, she "should" be doing the same with you. And if she doesn't meet that expectation, there is something wrong that "you need to get to the bottom of". I think that mindset is responsible for a lot of date rapes --- "what's the matter baby? you let Tommy do it?" Ick..just Ick. This kind of thinking is a good way to turn a woman off.

I know in this case it's different because this couple is married but the way of thinking is no different and no less icky.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

That's a loaded question. There are some things that your partner does need to know before they sleep with you imo. Such as - have you ever had same sex, sex? I would want to know that because I would not sleep with, nor continue a relationship with a man who'd been with another man. I have nothing against gays, I have a gay brother but I want my husband to be straight, and a man who sleeps with another man, be it once or a hundred times, is not straight.

In this situation though, the tape is the least of your problems. It was over a decade ago. What's happening now should concern you much more. Be on your guard.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Why has your wife had a tummy tuck? Have you got young kids?

You say she looks hot, but does she have low self esteem at the moment, and this is why she had the tummy tuck? Does she feel sexy in her own eyes?
Is she depressed, feeling low or overwhelmed?

Hormones change over the years and especially after children, for many women.
What I did in my 20s with my husband or a previous partner, was not what I was doing in my 30s after children. No more sex tapes, or equivalent. I just didn't have the libido, energy or self love for it, for quite some years. That was nothing to do with how much I loved my husband.

Does your wife know that you have seen this sex tape of her? If so, what was her reaction?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> The implications of what you're saying are pretty disturbing. What a woman has done in the past with other men in no way indicates what she should be "allowing" with you. If you extend that mindset, you could say that if a guy knows that a woman has had sex with some other guys on the first date, she "should" be doing the same with you. And if she doesn't meet that expectation, there is something wrong that "you need to get to the bottom of". I think that mindset is responsible for a lot of date rapes --- "what's the matter baby? you let Tommy do it?" Ick..just Ick. This kind of thinking is a good way to turn a woman off.
> 
> I know in this case it's different because this couple is married but the way of thinking is no different and no less icky.


What I meant in my post and what you decided to take from it are about as far apart as possible. 
Here we have a woman, comfortable with her sexuality and her appearance who suddenly decides she doesn’t want sex with her husband except occasionally. 
I asked him about BOTH of them in regards to cleanliness, weight etc and it seems other than her having what is basically cosmetic surgery nothing else has changed. 
So we’re back to either a medical issue or something else that’s causing a either a lack of attraction or discomfort. 
And from this you bring up date rape?


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

frusdil said:


> In this situation though, the tape is the least of your problems. It was over a decade ago. What's happening now should concern you much more.


I agree, don't get so bogged down dwelling on this that you don't look at the real issues.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You have so many concerns about your wife that they're all jumbled up in your head and boiling over. You feel like she's slipping away from you, but you need to separate these things instead of driving yourself nuts in thinking they are all related.

That she ever had sex with another man, whether or not it was recorded, has nothing to do with her or you 10 years later. So stop trying that lame analogy. She's driving you crazy by not having sex, and you're driving yourself crazier with that kind of reasoning. She does not owe you sex just because she made a sex tape 10 years ago.

And be honest with yourself. How bothered by the sex tape were you when you were getting sex frequently?

Now I'm going to say something that just might sting a little bit, but I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. It's just something you may want to think about and improve if it applies. But keep in mind that I'm being general, so it might not apply.

You stated in one of your other threads that she orgasms every 3 times, but I have to wonder why that is. Don't you cum every time or mostly every time? So, I wonder why it doesn't happen every time for her? What is it that you do every 3rd time that you don't do every single time? Why is it that you don't see to her needs every time? But here you are complaining about her not seeing to your needs.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

The last thing a woman wants to be bothered with is a selfish and neglectful lover. It grates on her nerves and wears her down until she doesn't want sex with him anymore because she knows what to expect and that it isn't much to look forward to. Not to mention how much it makes her feel used.

If there is nothing you do to make her orgasm and she makes herself orgasm, that's a selfish and neglectful lover. If you do something every 3rd time to bring her to orgasm but not every time, that's still a selfish and neglectful lover.

So what has been going on here:
Sometimes you take care of her?
Sometimes you don't bother?
Sometimes she just can't?
She does it herself?
Has she been faking orgasms all the while?

This site is a great place for complaining, but it seems you need to figure out your own stuff because, without enough information, no one here can possibly know why your wife suddenly doesn't want to have sex with you.

She had some work done and now she feels good about herself and showing herself off to everyone. That could be a clue into what is going on in her head. Maybe she discovered she doesn't have to settle anymore.

Did you know that somewhere around the 75-80% of couples divorce after weight loss surgery? The bariatric surgery patient discovering their new self and new confidence is one of the reasons. This is a similar situation, and I'm not saying that to scare you. I'm saying it to make you think of whether or not you've been on your job or if you've been down on your job because it's kind of skewed and lopsided to be so concerned about your sudden lack of frequency when your wife's sex life has been about lack of frequency for somewhere in the area of 10 years.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

THis is why its so important to make sure you are on the same page before you marry. If you saw the tape back then but married her anyway, then that was your decision and you now have to live with it. I can understand that you feel hurt, after all she did these things with him that she wont now do with you, so you both need to have a good talk and maybe some marriage counselling.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Davie said:


> Am I wrong???


I would say the answer is both no and yes. Like others have already said, what she did 10 years ago and what she is doing now......is likely unrelated from the "Joe Friday" standpoint (" just the facts"). But for you, I clearly say "no" because your emotional reaction is quite understandable.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> What I meant in my post and what you decided to take from it are about as far apart as possible.
> Here we have a woman, comfortable with her sexuality and her appearance who suddenly decides she doesn’t want sex with her husband except occasionally.
> I asked him about BOTH of them in regards to cleanliness, weight etc and it seems other than her having what is basically cosmetic surgery nothing else has changed.
> So we’re back to either a medical issue or something else that’s causing a either a lack of attraction or discomfort.
> And from this you bring up date rape?


MAYBE she was comfortable with it and with this guy and at that moment 10 YEARS ago. Maybe she wasn't. The fact that someone recorded her having sex 10 years ago does not mean anything about her wants and needs today or how comfortable or uncomfortable she is with anything. Even back then, how does being recorded having sex tell the story of her wants and needs, her sexuality, etc back at that time? Simple answer is that it doesn't.

It's not clear how this exactly unfolded but it sounds like the OP's buddy may have shown him a recording of himself doing his girlfriend which is now the OP's wife. Or however he saw it, it doesn't matter. Maybe the buddy left out all the mundane aspects of their sex life like when she has her "headaches". Or she wasn't in the mood. Or that half the time he couldnt' get hard. Or when she didn't feel like doing oral or whatever. Who knows how it happened but my point is that you can't draw conclusions about her sexuality 10 years ago, nevermind how she should be acting or feeling today. And any thinking that she should be doing something today because some guy recorded her 10 years ago is a very troubling way to think.

You don't need to spend much time on this forum to see how it's very common for both males and females to have less sex drive after years of marriage, maybe kids, etc. Having been recorded having sex 10 years ago has nothing to do with anything.

Good example of why it's best for women to keep their secrets to themselves. Clearly it was not possible in this case due to a recording being shared but it does show that the less said and known about her past the better as it can be thrown in your face at any point in the future when your husband thinks you're not horny enough like you were that one time with that other guy or whatever. Not worth it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I couldn't have done it. I could not get in a relationship with some girl my buddy had been giving me play by plays and showing me videos of them going at it. If i could get past it, I could not remain friends with some guy that used to plow my wife's garden.

The way my buddy was with all the girls that jumped in the sack with him. I would not even let my dog have sex with one of them after them being with him.

There was one girl, single young mother with baby that i liked and we all were friends. I told her how he was and what he does to girls. Told her she could date me or go on with him. 

She decided she wanted the wild boy....he hit it and quit it. She was upset and later tried to back track to me....nope that boat sailed. I was willing to step up, buddy had no intention to. She made her choice.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Davie said:


> Hi my name is David. Before I start let me say I never saw myself falling in love with my wife she was with one of my close friends then over a year later after they split up somehow we connected. Now, he recorded a sex tape of them back In the day and now we have been married 10 years since then. I think about it and it hurts me now all though it probably shouldn’t. She’s a great woman. But I saw what I saw and she turns me down a lot when I want to make love to her she makes excuses. Too sensitive or whatever. And I’m like thinking in my head I saw what you did to my friend and you can’t love me? Am I wrong???


Well it can.
There are no fast rules.
Are you wanting to make a tape and she won't?
It sounds like you have viewed the tape. Bad idea...now you have watched your wife screwing another man. You shouldn't have watched it.
Why is it around still where you could view it?
Anyway, is she not acting with you the way she did with him? Wild and super passionate with him but bored with you? Is she doing stuff to him she is refusing you? What is happening exactly? What is the issue?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The sex tape appears to be a smoke screen. The tummy tuck...looking hot now. Certainly others(men) are noticing and your W is noticing as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have experience with sex tapes with my wife 20+ years ago and “action” pictures from our swinging days 10+ years ago.

Now these vids and pics involve me as well and we are still together now.

However I came across some of the pics a few weeks ago and while it brought back fond memories, I have to admit it also brought some pangs of lament and sadness.

That hot, sexy, adventurous and sexually powerful woman no longer exists. That was a former self. 

Age, menopause, some health issues and a host of medications have turned her into a completely different person today ten years later. 

Now to be fair, I am also not the same man I was 10+ years ago. 

Time changes and transforms us all. We just don’t see the subtle change from day to day. 

I looked at those pictures and wish she was still that woman with me. But she’s not. The woman with me today is nothing like the one in the pictures. 

I imagine your pain is magnified many times over since you have a graphic depiction of her with another man in a manner that she is not with you. That would hurt.

But please understand that the ravages if time spare no man or woman. She is not the same woman in the video. 

She isn’t even with that guy anymore, she has moved on. She moved on with you. Appreciate that.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Personal said:


> What sex she has shared with others recorded or otherwise in the past, isn't about you.


You know that is not true... 

Op, how did you see the tape, your friend showed you... 

Let me guess, she is never like that with you, she does not seem into it very much. And of course she turns you down all the time for sex. 

How often do you guys even have sex...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Davie said:


> She’s had a tummy tuck I paid for and she’s super hot now.,, the sex tape idk it was with one of my friends and I honestly didn’t see us falling in love. It it happened now I’m lost because she’s less intimidate with me then she was before so I’m confused


Yeah there is not much to be confused about... She is not into you, and probably never was... 

Wow... You really don't get this????


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> You know that is not true...


Of course it's true.

To think otherwise would be having your fiancé believe that all of the people you have had sex with before you were with her, is about her. Which is ridiculous by the way.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Personal said:


> Of course it's true.
> 
> To think otherwise would be having your fiancé believe that all of the people you have had sex with before you were with her, is about her. Which is ridiculous by the way.


Read his other thread, and I don't know why he started two... 

His wife is cheating, she had a tummy tuck, this is all typical. 

She married him because he was the "Nice Guy" and was never into him. It was wrong for her to do that, but he married her and has put up with it. 

If you ask him she was never into sex with him like she was in the video. 

I am not saying what you are saying, but it is about him and his willingness to accent this in his life... And it probably has to do with his inexperience with women and relationships as a whole... 

Yeah it has to do with him... 

And, my F does have a bit of a problem with my past, much to my chagrin. If she has a big enough problem with it she can leave if she wants to. 

However, I am not cheating, so that is different as well...


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

When did you become aware of the tape's existence?
When did you watch it?
Does she know you watched the tape? If she knows, how did she find out? If you told her, what did you say? How did she react?

I don't believe anybody is obligated to blind themselves to their partner's previous sex life. People have their feelings about what acceptable sexual behavior is, and it's possible to be incompatible with somebody's past. But if you accept the person with full knowledge of their past and later change your mind, you need to take responsibility for the breakup.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> Read his other thread,


Sigh.



> and I don't know why he started two...


Yep.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

vincent3 said:


> When did you become aware of the tape's existence?
> When did you watch it?
> Does she know you watched the tape? If she knows, how did she find out? If you told her, what did you say? How did she react?
> 
> I don't believe anybody is obligated to blind themselves to their partner's previous sex life. People have their feelings about what acceptable sexual behavior is, and it's possible to be incompatible with somebody's past. But if you accept the person with full knowledge of their past and later change your mind, you need to take responsibility for the breakup.


Unless I am mistaken, an maybe I am... 

1) the tape would be ok, if she was like that with him... She is not... Never was... 
2) Now we know that she is cheating on him and has been playing him for a fool the whole time. Maybe his will take his head out of the sand. 

We will see... But in reality now, the tape is the least of his problems...


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

In most cases people don't come into relationships virgins so let it go. Unless the tape is a prized possession of hers who cares? She should absolutely burn it though. She should have no desire to keep something like that from a past relationship. As far as her lowered sex drive, that could be a million things. Are you doing your part? Making sure she feels loved and wanted and safe?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Potentially relevant thread from @Girl_power Why I did it with him and not you.

I can see both sides of some of the discussion here. What someone has decided to do with someone else in the past doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what they are willing to do with you. On the other hand the answer to the question of "Why?" could be very relevant.

If it is because he's not doing his part to make the experience good for her, that is likely a fixable problem.

If it is because she doesn't find him as attractive, that may or may not be a fixable problem.

If she doesn't feel safe or secure in the relationship or during the sexual experience, that _might_ be addressable.

If there have been health / hormone changes that have killed her desire, that may or may not be treatable.

If her feelings for him are gone and she's just waiting for the right time to tell him that she loves him but she's not in love with him, he should know sooner rather than later.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP has started multiple threads and each gives but one aspect of the whole picture. Knowing the whole picture would probably change some of the advice given here.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Unless I am mistaken, an maybe I am...
> 
> 1) the tape would be ok, if she was like that with him... She is not... Never was...
> 2) Now we know that she is cheating on him and has been playing him for a fool the whole time. Maybe his will take his head out of the sand.
> ...


She is cheating?
Where was that info revealed, I missed it?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> A woman that was comfortable enough with herself to allow herself to be filmed having sex doesn’t suddenly stop wanting it unless there’s something else happening and you need to get to the bottom of this.


Desire and even willingness to push boundaries are dynamic, not static. Being a bit risque could have been part of her personality at the time; she might have outgrown/become more conservative later. Or it could be something that, with that particular person, was necessary for the relationship. When OP came along, he encountered a different version of her than his friend did. She may have even become a bit reactionary to her former self and was looking for something more conservative.

And yes, sometimes, it sucks to be you when you're the more-conservative, safer choice. Been there, living that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Davie I would suggest individual counselling for you and marital counselling.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

JustTheWife said:


> MAYBE she was comfortable with it and with this guy and at that moment 10 YEARS ago. Maybe she wasn't. The fact that someone recorded her having sex 10 years ago does not mean anything about her wants and needs today or how comfortable or uncomfortable she is with anything. Even back then, how does being recorded having sex tell the story of her wants and needs, her sexuality, etc back at that time? Simple answer is that it doesn't.
> 
> It's not clear how this exactly unfolded but it sounds like the OP's buddy may have shown him a recording of himself doing his girlfriend which is now the OP's wife. Or however he saw it, it doesn't matter. Maybe the buddy left out all the mundane aspects of their sex life like when she has her "headaches". Or she wasn't in the mood. Or that half the time he couldnt' get hard. Or when she didn't feel like doing oral or whatever. Who knows how it happened but my point is that you can't draw conclusions about her sexuality 10 years ago, nevermind how she should be acting or feeling today. And any thinking that she should be doing something today because some guy recorded her 10 years ago is a very troubling way to think.
> 
> ...


You know I respect your viewpoint and life experiences, but this is one area in which we will continue to disagree. If a "secret" is something that you don't think your partner should know about because he or she would be greatly troubled by it and leave, I believe that is exactly what should be brought into the open. _Or_ consider that this person is not the right match for you. _Or_ have the conversation about privacy regarding the past, and make she he or she understands there are things in your past you won't disclose, and if they go along with that, fine.

But if any of those is a fail... its wrong. It is not being fair to the other person in the relationship. Besides, your partner may surprise you! If so, that's kind of the ultimate litmus test isn't it?

There are plenty of people who won't care about the past. It takes very little exploration to figure out if the person in question would care, if it could become an issue. If you're planning a lifetime journey with someone, have the privacy conversation, have the boundary conversation, before marriage.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> sometimes, it sucks to be you when you're the more-conservative, safer choice.


Yep, it sure does. Someone else got all the benefit, you're stuck with all the responsibility and sacrifice, which must be given for no perceptible reward.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Why the hell did you watch the tape? And why did a "friend" of yours show it to you? Both are twisted. 

But her past is her past. She's with you now and that's all that matters.


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> Why the hell did you watch the tape? And why did a "friend" of yours show it to you? Both are twisted.


I can't help feeling a bit like this part of the story is a prime example of reaping what you sow.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> There are plenty of people who won't care about the past.* It takes very little exploration to figure out if the person in question would care, if it could become an issue.* If you're planning a lifetime journey with someone, have the privacy conversation, have the boundary conversation, before marriage.





hinterdir said:


> *But when this is an important matter for a dating partner and you basically defraud them by lying to get them into the marriage the "I'm keeping my secrets" is pretty disgusting* and shows you really love yourself and you don't really care that deeply for the other person....just about getting married to someone.


What you're failing to see is that it seems that the OP was OK with what his wife did back when she was (presumably) doing the same thing with the OP and was more willing to have sex.

Now, many years later the OP is using it against her -- in his head, at least.

So why is it not also "defrauding" when a women tells a guy her secrets (or he somehow finds out about them like in this case) and he's all cool about it when they're young and she's fun in bed and then years later he's no longer cool with it when her sex drive decreases and she's no longer as fun as she was with those other guys. Why isn't he defrauding her? Looks like a bait and switch to me.

The lesson in this is that even if a guy says he's cool with your past or doesn't make an issue of it or appears not to care, that can change at any time and he can throw it in your face when he's mad at you, you don't want to have sex (or do a sex act that he knows you did with someone else), or maybe he's having confidence problems and your past starts to make him jealous. Best for a woman to keep her secrets if at all possible.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tummy tuck is big surgery and takes about a year to recover from. 

But the answer to your question is what she did before you met her isn't your business and you are making things up in your head and actually jealous what she did with someone a long time ago before you dated her. Also, it doesn't reflect well on you that you would expect her to do MORE with you than with other lovers. Maybe she didn't LIKE what they expected of her and that's why she's not with them!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This thread proves to me that its a bad idea to tape sex with a partner who you may well break up with. IT can have all sort of consequences.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tummy tuck is big surgery and takes about a year to recover from.
> 
> But the answer to your question is what she did before you met her isn't your business and you are making things up in your head and actually jealous what she did with someone a long time ago before you dated her. Also, it doesn't reflect well on you that you would expect her to do MORE with you than with other lovers. Maybe she didn't LIKE what they expected of her and that's why she's not with them!


Well it is his business, but if he married her knowing about it then that was his decision.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP has a few threads.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tummy tuck is big surgery and takes about a year to recover from.
> 
> But the answer to your question is what she did before you met her isn't your business and you are making things up in your head and actually jealous what she did with someone a long time ago before you dated her. Also, it doesn't reflect well on you that you would expect her to do MORE with you than with other lovers. Maybe she didn't LIKE what they expected of her and that's why she's not with them!


That's a blanket statement. It does matter to a lot of people. Should it? Maybe not, but it's up to each individual. Some people have certain qualities they want in a spouse and that can include sexual history. Now if you know about it and still go into the marriage, then no whining.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

hinterdir said:


> If you are responding to me about "secrets", *I was speaking directly about you and your keeping the "keeping my secrets" code of life*.
> 
> OP really hasn't even given enough details for me to even zero in on what he is saying he is upset about.
> *You committed the defraud I spoke of.*
> If he had broken up because of it, well that was his free right.


Oh I get it... you were just trying to take personal swipes at me and criticize what you think is my "code of life" when the thread or my comments were in no way about me. I was just stating my opinion on this topic. If the thread or my comment was about my own situation then fair game but making personal comments about me out of the blue is probably not consistent with the rules.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

JustTheWife said:


> What you're failing to see is that it seems that the OP was OK with what his wife did back when she was (presumably) doing the same thing with the OP and was more willing to have sex.
> 
> Now, many years later the OP is using it against her -- in his head, at least.
> 
> ...


I don't think so. That's an argument for keeping secrets about anything and everything, not just sex. Since you don't know how your partner is going to evolve in terms of sharing wealth, should you keep a private bank account known only to you?

This stuff should be discussed prior to marriage. And maybe it's not an issue. If she/he doesn't want to know, great, and if it becomes an issue down the road, then IT IS ON THEM (the person who claimed she/he didn't need to know). It's that simple.

You can't get around this one by claiming it's for the good of the partner or even the marriage. You can't know how things will play out down the road, whether you "tell" or not. The only thing you can do is build a relationship based upon honesty and trust, without one partner getting an advantage because they're witholding information.

As you know, this hits both you and I squarely in the genitals. In my case, my wife's choice of not disclosing meant that I went 42 years wondering WTF is wrong with me, why did sex become this very bad thing once we engaged in it, years of guilt thinking I'd "broken" her. Has she told me, about a past that, in her case, she regretted intensely, I might have had a clue that it had affected her view of sex (as it did). And we could have dealt with it.

Failure to disclose means it can't be dealt with, if there's something to deal with. 

Is it worth dealing with after the fact? Many here would say no. I get that. That I've been torturing my wife, that if it was too much for me to just keep going on with her resenting sex until I die, that I shouldn't try to get to the root cause and have it dealt with, but just divorce her. 

Nothing here is easy. But I can guarantee you that very few would look back, several decades down the road of despair, and be thankful their spouse didn't tell them. In the rare event the spouse was able to take the secret to their grave, nobody knowing anything about it, AND it had no bad effects on the marriage? Maybe. But what are the odds?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

where there is smoke there is fire
tummy tuck looking hot now
op never got the effort with his wife that she showed in the video
level of sex has dropped off from his wife


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> Oh I get it... you were just trying to take personal swipes at me and criticize what you think is my "code of life" when the thread or my comments were in no way about me. I was just stating my opinion on this topic. If the thread or my comment was about my own situation then fair game but making personal comments about me out of the blue is probably not consistent with the rules.


Well, you did chime in with sort of a "see, this is why women should just keep their secrets".
So, you brought it up, keeping secrets from your spouse. You state the negative response to truth to be evidence keeping secrets is the best way to go.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Davie said:


> She’s had a tummy tuck I paid for and she’s super hot now.,, the sex tape idk it was with one of my friends and I honestly didn’t see us falling in love. It it happened now I’m lost because she’s less intimidate with me then she was before so I’m confused


LOL...so she looked like the Bride of Frankenstein before and then, through the magic of ONLY a tummy tuck, she suddenly became "hot?" Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? A flat stomach ALONE doesn't make one "hot." Sheesh.

You guys and your retroactive jealousy. Only men seem to have this issue and having had to DEAL with it up close and personal, I have the right to say it's a royal pain in the ass having to deal with men who can't get the hell over it..

There are a lot of things I did 10 or 15 years ago that I have no desire - or the ability - to do now (just general stuff, not sexual). That's LIFE. People become complacent as they get older. When she's 80, are you still going to be whining to her about how you're not getting the porn-star treatment your buddy got in his video so many years ago? Are you going to tell her you want her to put down her cane, remove her oxygen hose and jump around like a trained sex kitten *just *so you feel better?

Find something* worthy* of obsessing over. I'm sure I speak for her when I say, this AIN'T it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> Well, you did chime in with sort of a "see, this is why women should just keep their secrets".
> So, you brought it up, keeping secrets from your spouse. You state the negative response to truth to be evidence keeping secrets is the best way to go.


I know this post wasn't addressed to me but you know what?

JustTheWife is completely correct - this crap is EXACTLY why some women should keep their secrets. NOT because they want to be sneaky or deceitful, but because certain men act like 3 year olds and can't control their childish jealousy and make a woman's life freakin' miserable.

Been there done that, *NEVER AGAIN.*


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I know this post wasn't addressed to me but you know what?
> 
> JustTheWife is completely correct - this crap is EXACTLY why some women should keep their secrets. NOT because they want to be sneaky or deceitful, but because certain men act like 3 year olds and can't control their childish jealousy and make a woman's life freakin' miserable.
> 
> Been there done that, *NEVER AGAIN.*


Just means you two should never have been together in the first place.
Bad reactions to truths coming out...just shows that stuff should have been cleared up at the beginning so no one wastes each others time.
If they do not like your secrets and respond in a negative way towards you is just proof you two should have never even been together in the first place. They need someone who doesn't have those skeletons in the closet and you need someone who doesn't care about the skeletons or has the same skeletons himself.
You aren't convincing me of anything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Op. I didn't sift through everything or all your threads.

Does your wife know her old boyfriend taped her and, if so, that he shared her video out like an electronic pimp?

Does she know you watched it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I know this post wasn't addressed to me but you know what?
> 
> JustTheWife is completely correct - this crap is EXACTLY why some women should keep their secrets. NOT because they want to be sneaky or deceitful, but because certain men act like 3 year olds and can't control their childish jealousy and make a woman's life freakin' miserable.
> 
> Been there done that, *NEVER AGAIN.*


Do you honesly think that lies and deception are a good foundation to begin a marriage?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I know this post wasn't addressed to me but you know what?
> 
> JustTheWife is completely correct - this crap is EXACTLY why some women should keep their secrets. NOT because they want to be sneaky or deceitful,* but because certain men act like 3 year olds and can't control their childish jealousy and make a woman's life freakin' miserable.*
> 
> Been there done that, *NEVER AGAIN.*


Why in the world would you want to be with someone who would act like that? I can't believe someone that insecure about intimacy wouldn't have other massively-insecure areas that would make you miserable. Wouldn't you want to know that ahead of time?

Obviously I don't buy into the idea that a guy... or woman... would be great in every other area except this, so all you have to do is keep them in the dark and all will be well. It feels like there's a sense of power that comes with manipulating what someone's allowed to know about you.

Again, I have no problem at all with someone saying sorry, that's none of your business. If you believe it isn't any of their business, and it makes them uncomfortable, run. Find somebody else who _is_ comfortable with your privacy requirements.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Do you honesly think that lies and deception are a good foundation to begin a marriage?


There might be a big difference between what matters to someone getting married in their 20s vs someone older and *presumed *to have had more sexual experiences. The biggest differences likely happen when you go from his or her "number" being 0 vs 1, which is what we've seen quite a bit of here. And unfortunately, I think some TAMers aren't looking at this as objectively as they might, because the numbers being discussed here aren't something they can relate to and, without intention, they may feel like their values are being attacked. I mean, here some of us are, talking about 0, 1, maybe 3 if we're wild  while others are orders of magnitude higher and really can't relate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please stop the threadjack. This thread is not about all of you who are arguing and in some cases being rather rude and attacking. If you have some help to provide to the OP, please post to HIM. And stop the threadjack.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Davie So do you think your biggest issue is that she rejects sex with you, or that you didn't understand the nature of her prior relationship(s)? If she hadn't been rejecting you, would the past be as much an issue?

As you can see from the replies, and the deserved admonition from @EleGirl (moderator), this has hit a lot of us personally and you've gotten to see a lot of other examples of things gone wrong but not so much useful advice. 

If rejection is a big issue, do a google search for the Ted Talk "Sex Starved Marriage." See if it feels familiar, and maybe have your wife watch it with you. From that you might get a feel for her desire to improve your relationship. The tape stuff, I think that points to a need for individual therapy, perhaps a higher priority than marriage counseling.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"and she turns me down a lot when I want to make love to her"

that really does seem to be the issue in a lot of these cases. She did things for other men, such as anal sex, that the current husband can not get. It makes him feel like 2nd fiddle. 

Logically i can see a partner deciding to settle down and stop certain activity. but emotionally, the spouse is not going to buy that. there are going to feel denied


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

In other words, your wife only married you for your last name and your pay check. 

She had all her wild sex days before she meet you and put all that behind her. You should know your place and never bring sex up again unless she gives you permission. 

The last paragraph is part sarcasm and part truth.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ABHale said:


> your wife only married you for your last name and your pay check



I don't think she cared about your last name. Only the paycheck.

You have to face the facts. She had a guy who she wanted for sex, in the past. She did not want you for sex, in the past, or in the present. You were the "safe" and "stable" guy, the "marriage material", and someone else was the object of sexual desire.

If you stay with her, you'll never be sexually, or emotionally, fulfilled.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TJW said:


> I don't think she cared about your last name. Only the paycheck.
> 
> You have to face the facts. She had a guy who she wanted for sex, in the past. She did not want you for sex, in the past, or in the present. You were the "safe" and "stable" guy, the "marriage material", and someone else was the object of sexual desire.
> 
> If you stay with her, you'll never be sexually, or emotionally, fulfilled.


Last name gives her legal rights to receive support after the divorce.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Last name gives her legal rights to receive support after the divorce.


Ok.....but only because it entitles her to a continuing paycheck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> Ok.....but only because it entitles her to a continuing paycheck.


Interesting debate - which came first the surname or the paycheck?

Or even ... why did the surname cross the road ? To get to the paycheck!


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

Davie said:


> She’s had a tummy tuck I paid for and she’s super hot now.,, the sex tape idk it was with one of my friends and I honestly didn’t see us falling in love. It it happened now I’m lost because she’s less intimidate with me then she was before so I’m confused


No you did not pay for it and you left out how you haven’t worked for the past 10 years when we have been married for now almost 11 and I supported you and your kids. While I was at work you would leave the kids home alone to go meet up with your ex’s. And while I was working and going to school you had a 4 year relationship behind my back. Also while not working. And at that time you wouldn’t even touch me when I tried to get intimate with you cause you were getting it somewhere else. Let’s also add how you are emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive to me. Let’s feel sorry for you now.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

hinterdir said:


> Well it can.
> There are no fast rules.
> Are you wanting to make a tape and she won't?
> It sounds like you have viewed the tape. Bad idea...now you have watched your wife screwing another man. You shouldn't have watched it.
> ...


To answer your question, I did not know there was a recording until after my husband told me years later. Second, he has abused me so much, it’s a huge turn off. I work at a very professional office and all I get at home is how I suck everyone up and how I’m a *****. Not really my love language. So yes, I am turned off not to mention all the cheating on his part.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...so she looked like the Bride of Frankenstein before and then, through the magic of ONLY a tummy tuck, she suddenly became "hot?" Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? A flat stomach ALONE doesn't make one "hot." Sheesh.
> 
> You guys and your retroactive jealousy. Only men seem to have this issue and having had to DEAL with it up close and personal, I have the right to say it's a royal pain in the ass having to deal with men who can't get the hell over it..
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. He honestly makes me feel like he only wants me for sex. Every other aspect of me he can care less about. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough with him and he told me in a text that I was right, I wasn’t good enough when I’m not having sex with him.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> This thread proves to me that its a bad idea to tape sex with a partner who you may well break up with. IT can have all sort of consequences.





Imagirl said:


> In most cases people don't come into relationships virgins so let it go. Unless the tape is a prized possession of hers who cares? She should absolutely burn it though. She should have no desire to keep something like that from a past relationship. As far as her lowered sex drive, that could be a million things. Are you doing your part? Making sure she feels loved and wanted and safe?


great response. I am actually the wife and had no idea my ex taped me. I didn’t know until my now husband Davie told me. I am not cheating, I have been begging him to be good to me, to make me feel loved, but instead he is so abusive, physically, emotionally, and mentally. He makes me feel worthless and has told me I am. I’m heart broken and feel gross. He makes me feel this way all the time. Not once do I feel loved my him or that he wants anything more than just sex. He can’t even stand sitting next to me watching tv. I really gross him out with my clothes on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes you are wrong. Nobody has sex the way they did 10 years ago when life was simple, there weren’t responsibilities and kids thrown into the mix, bills to pay, health issues etc. 

Yes you are wrong, and you won’t always be rejected just like you won’t always have a yes to electrifying sex.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

how did your now husband get his hands on the sex tape? , how do you recover from this and relax and ever have sex trusting any man again? I do find it interesting on these forums that when men post about sexless marriage or women that don't do what they used to and even when there is no hint of cheating in the posters opening post we get so many saying things like " open your eyes man she is sleeping with another and some go so far the tell a guy to get a dna test on the kids and hire a PI to spy on her and then they give advice on how to get all types of revenge to the other half like i see one post where some say tell her boss as if it has something to do with work .but when we come on a poster that has found the cheater posting half truths no one has a word to offer , it is like in law or police often it is the reporters word that is taking THIS IS WHY I WOULD TELL YOU TO FILE FOR DIVORCE first do it today you have taken too much ,


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jewelz03 said:


> great response. I am actually the wife and had no idea my ex taped me. I didn’t know until my now husband Davie told me. I am not cheating, I have been begging him to be good to me, to make me feel loved, but instead he is so abusive, physically, emotionally, and mentally. He makes me feel worthless and has told me I am. I’m heart broken and feel gross. He makes me feel this way all the time. Not once do I feel loved my him or that he wants anything more than just sex. He can’t even stand sitting next to me watching tv. I really gross him out with my clothes on.


So you *financially supported* this abusive loser AND his kids for 11 years, you've put up with his obnoxious and disrespectful treatment and his cheating for many years - such as Father of the Year sneaking out of the house and leaving his kids alone to go screw around with his ex, all while _you_ were at work supporting him. Yeah, he's quite the "catch," ain't he?

My only question is, what took you so LONG to finally open your eyes and SEE what a loser he is?

*Run* - don't walk - to your divorce attorney as soon as possible. Do it while Diamond Jim is working so he doesn't try to squeeze you for freakin' alimony. He's got no pride at all and will happily do that.

I'm amazed you've managed to stay this long.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Jewelz03 said:


> great response. I am actually the wife and had no idea my ex taped me. I didn’t know until my now husband Davie told me. I am not cheating, I have been begging him to be good to me, to make me feel loved, but instead he is so abusive, physically, emotionally, and mentally. He makes me feel worthless and has told me I am. I’m heart broken and feel gross. He makes me feel this way all the time. Not once do I feel loved my him or that he wants anything more than just sex. He can’t even stand sitting next to me watching tv. I really gross him out with my clothes on.


Two questions:
1. How did you find out about his posting on this forum?
2. Why are you still married to him?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Jewelz03 said:


> great response. I am actually the wife and had no idea my ex taped me. I didn’t know until my now husband Davie told me. I am not cheating, I have been begging him to be good to me, to make me feel loved, but instead he is so abusive, physically, emotionally, and mentally. He makes me feel worthless and has told me I am. I’m heart broken and feel gross. He makes me feel this way all the time. Not once do I feel loved my him or that he wants anything more than just sex. He can’t even stand sitting next to me watching tv. I really gross him out with my clothes on.


If he's physically abused you that should be the last straw. I'd think the last straw would have been earlier with all the other grief of course.

Are you leaving him soon? It sounds as it will only get worse.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It is baffling to me that someone who apparently abused his wife has trouble understanding why his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. Hint: It's not because of a video apparently taken without her knowledge or consent 10 years ago. BTW, that in and of itself is messed up and I'm fairly certain, criminal.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

different history but about 20 years ago I and my wife became friends with a local family from school our kids were the same age as theirs , after a while we started to see things like wifes black eye which she said she bumped into a post out in the garden at night , ended up that the husband had a super good job but used to go on drinking binges drinking 2 bottles of burbon in a night then he raped his wife and other times hit her , i used to have to baby sit the 2 of them when he was drunk , and after his drinking was over he would become the best lover ever , a case of gentle and hide , I have a very hard time getting her to go to the womans shelter for help , the she did was the last time i have seen her and she does not talk to me now , as far as i know she is still living in the same house but she did put up with a lot , 
when I spoke to the womans help people experts they told me a woman like this often runes away 6 times before they go for good 


joannacroc said:


> It is baffling to me that someone who apparently abused his wife has trouble understanding why his wife doesn't want to have sex with him. Hint: It's not because of a video apparently taken without her knowledge or consent 10 years ago. BTW, that in and of itself is messed up and I'm fairly certain, criminal.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> If he's physically abused you that should be the last straw. I'd think the last straw would have been earlier with all the other grief of course.
> 
> Are you leaving him soon? It sounds as it will only get worse.


I agree it should be the last straw. And any advise I would give a friend would be to run. And honestly that’s what I have been told. I don’t know why it’s been so hard for me to leave. But I do think about it everyday. I thought counseling would help me finally go through with it.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Two questions:
> 1. How did you find out about his posting on this forum?
> 2. Why are you still married to him?


I help was helping him with some stuff in his email on my computer. It froze so I started scrolling though it because it wasn’t doing anything. Finally when it did work again since I had been scrolling it started going and an email from this website caught my attention. I don’t know why I’m still married to him, truth is I do love him, and he’s always told me things would change. They don’t and only seem to get worse. I guess it’s time though.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Jewelz03 said:


> I do love him


I know that's what you think, but how can you love a guy who treats you like that? Would you be with him if you'd known how he would be at this stage of the game? No. Consider that you are confusing habit with love.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> how did your now husband get his hands on the sex tape? , how do you recover from this and relax and ever have sex trusting any man again? I do find it interesting on these forums that when men post about sexless marriage or women that don't do what they used to and even when there is no hint of cheating in the posters opening post we get so many saying things like " open your eyes man she is sleeping with another and some go so far the tell a guy to get a dna test on the kids and hire a PI to spy on her and then they give advice on how to get all types of revenge to the other half like i see one post where some say tell her boss as if it has something to do with work .but when we come on a poster that has found the cheater posting half truths no one has a word to offer , it is like in law or police often it is the reporters word that is taking THIS IS WHY I WOULD TELL YOU TO FILE FOR DIVORCE first do it today you have taken too much ,


It wasn’t a sex tape, my ex recorded me on his phone. I didn’t know he had done that. That ex was a friend of my husband and apparently showed him and I’m sure others. I really pay attention now. I’ve never been one to even send nudes because of what could happen, and I guess it did without my knowledge.


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I know that's what you think, but how can you love a guy who treats you like that? Would you be with him if you'd known how he would be at this stage of the game? No. Consider that you are confusing habit with love.


That might be true. Like I texted him yesterday when he texted me that he loved me, I said how can you hurt someone that you love. 
to me it doesn’t make sense. He even has admired that he wouldn’t be surprised if I was planning to leave him because of the way he treats me. I honestly don’t think anyone would’ve stayed. I don’t know what keeps me here.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jewelz03 said:


> That might be true. Like I texted him yesterday when he texted me that he loved me, I said how can you hurt someone that you love.
> to me it doesn’t make sense. He even has admired that he wouldn’t be surprised if I was planning to leave him because of the way he treats me. I honestly don’t think anyone would’ve stayed. I don’t know what keeps me here.


Please do yourself a favor and find the strength to leave. It is hard to imagine that leaving could be worse than what you are living with right now.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Jewelz03 said:


> I don’t know what keeps me here.


Let me help: Habit


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## Jewelz03 (Jun 2, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Let me help: Habit


I don’t even know how to get out of this habit. I love him and have always prayed he would change his ways.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Jewelz03 said:


> I don’t even know how to get out of this habit. I love him and have always prayed he would change his ways.


What's love got to do with it? The guy abuses you and exposes you to life threatening STIs. Love yourself more and dump him.

Hey, @Davie , what say you? How are you going to support yourself?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So much for she married him for a paycheck. lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to stop relying on hope to save this dumpster fire because it won’t.


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## hankreynolds297 (Oct 15, 2021)

Affair: what a woman does during an affair sexually with affair partner allows him to perform anal sex on her but she always refused her husband to perform Anal sex with her this makes the affair all the more worse. 
Relationship: If you have tried anal sex withyour wife and she says no because she tried it (ONCE) and didn’t like it that would be okay don’t pressure her anymore however if she said I did Anal with an Ex boyfriend multiple times like over 25 times and I didn’t like it I only did itto please my boyfriend I would have serious problems with this. 

The implications of what you're saying are pretty disturbing. What a woman has done in the past with other men in no way indicates what she should be "allowing" with you. If you extend that mindset, you "should" be doing the same with you. And if she doesn't meet that expectation, there is something wrong that "you need to get to the bottom of". I think that mindset is responsible for a lot of date rapes --- "what's the matter baby? you let Tommy do it?" Ick..just Ick. This kind of thinking is a good way to turn a woman off.

I know in this case it's different because this couple is married but the way of thinking is no different and no less icky.
[/QUOTE]


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