# Beginning of the end



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well my wife and I decided to separate today, and ironically enough it happened on the way home from a funeral. I suppose this is the part where I should write that my heart is broken and I'll never be able to go on...but I don't feel that way. I feel as though a heavy clamp has been removed from my soul. I feel lighter and at ease. I feel at peace for once in the longest while. I truly regret what this will do to my kids, and I am the first to admit I am a selfish bastard for doing this. No, there is no other woman. No, I am not an addict. I am just someone who was trapped in a relationship with a woman who was like a black hole to joy in my life. Today in the car as we were driving home, she began to talk about her concerns that our son couldn't make it in the army. She said we would have to support him if/when he washes out because he was not "designed" to be in the army. I said that even though I think he should have researched the decision more, it is his decision to make and we need to prepare him to be successful now that it has been made. So started the final fight that lead to the dissolution of 17 years and 359 days of marriage. During our "verbal escalation" she suggested that a separation "might do us good." Well, let's just say that I couldn't have been more vocal in my agreement, and I met her bet and raised the ante with divorce. She is at her mom's house tonight, as her mom is currently on vacation. On Monday, I will contact a Realtor that I know and have our house placed on the market. I feel bad for our kids. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for me, but I know this is the right decision for my life. I hate who I have become in the 21 years we have been together. I cannot begin to describe the weight that has been lifted from my heart. I no longer feel bitter or angry inside. I feel hope. Maybe tomorrow it will hit me and I'll feel different, maybe tomorrow I'll grieve for a marriage that once brought me so much happiness, but I don't think so. Is this reaction normal? I feel like a very dear friend has died after years of being sick and suffering. I feel loss, but to a much greater extent I feel relief that the pain is finally over. I can't be the only one like this...am I?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

What else should I began to do now? Do I close out joint credit cards? Do I tell immediate friends and family members? There are no violence issues in our marriage, so I am planning to stay with her and the kids until the house sells. Is this unrealistic? She was supposed to "go out with the girls tonight", but she is understandably upset about what transpired. I feel as though I have been given some time to prepare, and I am beginning to look through financial records. With the market the way it is, when our house sells, we will be about 70 thousand dollars south, so our net worth is actually net debt. However, she will have a stake in my clinics. Will I have to "buy her out", or will I be allowed to essentially keep these "free", as it is from my work there that she will derive her alimony? I don't want a friggin lawyer, and I am more than willing to provide for her and especially any of our kids that may choose to live with her. However, knowing my kids, I think they will split evenly between us. Please any thought?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sorry to hear that you two have come to this. I know you have struggled a long time, I know how that feels.

You are going to have to find a lawyer, especially with your income level and possible future income. What state are you in?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So much said, so much to do! Sorry that things didn't work out as you had hoped.

Yep. A lawyer can help give you a breakdown regarding the requirement of your divorce. Although, I'd prefer to do as much dividing up as possible pre-lawyer...with your businesses it may be more difficult.

My H and I have already decided before we met with a an attorney...custody/visiting arrangement and division of assets. We slowed down on the divorce, at present, and are now separated. However, our divorce will be uncontested if it comes to that. If you can agree upon some of the things without an attorney...that would be money saved. However, it doesn't always work out that way.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

If you can work it out between you, that is great. But men in your position rarely feel so generous once their wife hires an attorney. I truly pray you two can be able to keep the kids in mind, so divisions don't happen in both the kids and your money. However, since she has been a SAHM for five kids, for nearly 20 years she will have a huge financial cut. Huge.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

You are right Sandy, I don't feel generous even now, in the pre-lawyer stage. I do feel a responsibility to my family, especially my smaller two, as I know they will stay with their mother. I will provide for them the best I can. Is it advisable to make an issue about her alleged affair, or do I try to set a calmer tone and take the high road? I know a thing or two about a thing or two, and I was able to "peek back across the sands of time", and look at her last three days or so of computer traffic. I have found a few items that are shall we say very awkward for her, specifically chat conversations with a high school friend that are a bit too friendly..."anything for you hot red head, and I have always had a crush on you" sort of stuff. I have saved them as a file in a records folder. Do I try to collect more of these as it supports my grounds for divorce? Do I contact the ex-wife of the OM for those records she once offered to me on a rainy fall day? I always knew in my gut she cheated, there was a change in her demeanor that was as palpable as a tumor. Sadly, that is what it was, a tumor. It spread through our friendship, metastasized to trust, and finally 
consumed our love. I would like to tell you that this was a sin that I was big enough to forgive her of in marriage, but no I am not. Ironically enough though, I am no longer angry like I was. I have let go. I know this is healthier for me. Even reading their conversation, I felt no rage, only a sad sense of how far my wife has fallen. No kick bags, no late night trip to the gym...only acceptance. At some point after this is over, I would like to archive these last few weeks of posts so my wife/ex-wife (never wrote that before) can see my true mind set and know what exactly lead me up to today. So Kar, when you read these posts know that I loved you, and that a part of me will always love you. Also know that we make decisions, and based on these for good or bad, we are left to deal with the consequences as is everyone around us. I wish you well. I just no longer wish to remain your husband. I have told her I would like to have a quiet dinner tomorrow with her to discuss a basic time line towards our divorce, and she seemed noncommittal. I am not sure why, other than she is completely floored that I said this, and a bit shaken as what to do now that we have gotten here. I can't imagine a situation in which I will change my mind from its present course. The sad irony is that I know I am going to get "f'd" financially for doing this, especially if I file. My advice to anyone who is out there and struggling to know what to do with a troubled relationship is attend a funeral. It will remind you of just how fleeting life is. So please people love if you can, but leave and live if you must. Tomorrow holds no guarantees.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

The plot thickens...my wife claims that the jpegs I intercepted were just "jokes between old friends." I stated, "I don't joke that way". To which she truthfully replied, "you don't joke at all". Never the less, she claims that the person "M.B" is just an "old friend". She offered to "pull him up on facebook". She said he's "like 350 pounds and on oxygen", and that in no way could I actually think that this could be a legitimate conversation. She apologized if my feelings were hurt, and reiterated that she has always "been faithful". Is this too coincidental? Am I a sucker to believe her? She invited me to do what ever I thought was necessary to "regain my trust", and then began to ask for a few consessions in return. I aquiesced, and agreed to a timetable for counseling. She said she could "go either way", but stated basically that if we go to divorce court "I would pretty much die a fiery death finacially, and she would see to it that I didn't get any of the kids." That is my biggest fear, and I still do love her. What now brown cow?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Gee whiz! In your post it sounded like she was willing to humble herself a bit...Then, she said that you could die a fiery death and take the kids!" Wow! To go from one statement to the other....

I still think a separation would benefit your relationship, if you still think there is a glimmer of hope. I know not financially feasible, however a divorce is definitely NOT any better. Just an opinion.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I guess I'm a little naive, but exactly how would a separation help? We already see very little of one another with our respective schedules. It's the distance that we already have that's killing us. I think we need a together-ation, some "she and me time" to reconnect. We have had only one weekend alone in nearly 18 years of marriage, and even that was cut a day short because of an emergency. If that is not twisted than I don't know what is.
Thoughts?


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

RUN FAST....OMG...I think you know what you need to do and you want someone to push you a little...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lastinline said:


> I guess I'm a little naive, but exactly how would a separation help? We already see very little of one another with our respective schedules. It's the distance that we already have that's killing us. I think we need a together-ation, some "she and me time" to reconnect. We have had only one weekend alone in nearly 18 years of marriage, and even that was cut a day short because of an emergency. If that is not twisted than I don't know what is.
> Thoughts?


Of course, you know your situation better. Yes, it does sound like you need to reconnect as a couple. How would that look to you? If you ask her away for a weekend, do you think she would be willing? I think, at this point, it would be very difficult to reconnect for a weekend. The resentment and anger are there on both sides. It's going to take more than a weekend trip or many weekend trips! I know, in my relationship, we tried reconnecting over a weekend or so. It ended up highlighting our problems as we were alone and disconnected still. 

Even though you don't see each other much as is...you are still functioning as a family unit. Your providing financially; she is taking care of kids/house etc. When you are together, even briefly, is more of the same. Nothing has changed. This is how we had been functioning. You are in the middle of the storm and can't see your way clear. This is how I felt at least.

Separation...with boundaries, will allow you and your wife to step back. You wife can find herself and reevaluate her life. You can do the same. You can map the separation as you want. I am doing no contact, as my H wanted a divorce and had the "grass is greener" attitude. A separation can be used as a tool toward reconciliation. You can have the separation as you like; date nights; no contact; limited contact; marriage counseling included; marriage seminars/workshops. I know you can do these things under the same roof, but believe me...it is different when you are separated. When you come home to an empty house for just (2) hours a night and you sleep alone and your dog isn't there to greet you and your kids are gone......it is different! It slaps you in the face. You no longer are focusing about how long your wife is on the computer today or what she said. You no longer are dealing with the daily things....it allows a better perspective on your relationship.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Thank you Corpuswife you have made several compelling points. I do not want to "come home to an empty house." I just did that for a week or so when they were in Chicago and I hated it. I know people talk about "staying together for the kids", but I want to stay together so I don't loose any of my kids. My wife and I may have issues, but I love all of my kids dearly, and the thought of not seeing any of them is unbearable. She has made it "very clear" that with my schedule it would be impossible in her opinion to have custody of any but the oldest. I realize that where my kids would live isn't her decision for the most part to make, but I am not ready for a drag out, dog eat dog legal battle either. She has been a lot nicer to me since Saturday, and I can see glimpses of my old wife there. She says she still loves me very much, and would like to continue with our marriage. I would like the same. Since then we have each agreed to make one change that the other needs. My request was for affection, not necessarily sex, but just touch in general. Hers was for security. She says she needs us to start aggresively saving for retirement and paying down debt. It seems a reasonable exchange as both better my overall position. Thoughts?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That is a wonderful start....the beginning of communication and compromise! I'd start these things right away. Add a date night where you both choose the date. Do something different that you haven't done. Take it one step at a time. Try not to bring up the relationship issues all of the time-rehashing get old.

Sounds positive.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well so much for change. Last night it was pick one kid up from jazz workshop and another from her mom's house after work, feed them, and get them ready for bed, while she goes out for some "girl time." She got home around 10:30, but I just rolled over and feigned sleep. This morning was a 4:15 workout with my ranger wanna-be son, clinic, and practice. I imagine she is up now and will probably go shopping. I'm ranting, but there is a thought behind my "rant" and that thought is parody. How many people out there feel their spouse commits as much to the family as they do or more? If not do you feel resentment or bitterness? Finally, if not how have you managed this from becoming caustic or detrimental to your relationship?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lastinline said:


> Well so much for change. Last night it was pick one kid up from jazz workshop and another from her mom's house after work, feed them, and get them ready for bed, while she goes out for some "girl time." She got home around 10:30, but I just rolled over and feigned sleep. This morning was a 4:15 workout with my ranger wanna-be son, clinic, and practice. I imagine she is up now and will probably go shopping. I'm ranting, but there is a thought behind my "rant" and that thought is parody. How many people out there feel their spouse commits as much to the family as they do or more? If not do you feel resentment or bitterness? Finally, if not how have you managed this from becoming caustic or detrimental to your relationship?


Same ole Same ole! That is what I hear. You have to carve our your relationship time. Set a date and arrange for a sitter. You said in 18 years you have been on (1) weekend away. That tells me alot. Your kids will be much happier with happier parents. Force yourself to spend time together. Your relationship has been on the back burner enough. 

I feel that my H commits to family as much as I do. We are both full in. In retrospect, I think we should have been full in our relationship. It would have been so much healthier. We've had a wonderful time with our kids and rearing them. We both have been excellent parents. However, our relationship has suffered. I remember, when the kids were young that I wouldn't get a sitter unless I absolutely had to (funeral, etc). I would not dare leave my kids, if I didn't have to. We stopped everything, if our kids needed/wanted us. Yep...full in. 

Arrange for something together. Ask her out and if she has any ideas what she'd like to do. You have many children and there will always be something. You already know that...


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

This really resonated with me, I'm such a similiar situation and I joined today to tell you how much I "totally" get what you are saying and your situation. I've been married 17 yrs, together 20 (OMG) and have a 14 y/o dtr. The last 5 have been miserable for me but I kept thinking I just needed to try harder to somehow find a way to make this work. We've been in marriage counseling now for the last year and its NOT working. This is the 4th time we've gone to counseling, that should have been a clue a long time ago. But that weight on my chest, the sick feeling in my stomach, now that I've come closer to making a VERY difficult decision the "unraveling" feeling is subsiding. He's not making this easy but I feel like I have to save myself for my sake and that of my dtr. But I too have many questions, a LOT of confusion. I've put this off a long time as I knew this was going to cause so much devastation; anyway now I feel like there is no way around it.


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

One thing I realized about the decline of my marriage is over the years my H and I forgot how to be "friends". We were both so wrapped up in our "roles" and responsibilities that we let that rule our lives. That's probably what I miss most. I have that endless cavern of resentment myself and am only now recognizing how much anger I really have and its ugly. It surprises even me. I'm past the sad part, the desperation and all those horribly painful emotions. But, I can see where your wife is coming from. She's as lonely as you are and has been for a LONG time. It's more important for a woman to feel that you are listening to them and HEARING what she's saying. I've been talking to a wall for so long and now just cannot do it anymore. I nearly had an affair myself, more of an emotional affair if anything, old high school love all of that. I never spent any time with him in person but had many conversations and emails. It walked that line and I knew it. It's just that when you feel that you really don't exist even in your own home you its easy to have that "high" to fill the void. Someone who acknowledges your views and actually seems to care about your perspective and not just, guess how my day went. That's what leads to emptyness. Too bad the two of you didn't enjoy the gardening together, the TWD together anything that you both look forward to sharing. It's got to be more than the kids, the practice and social outlets. That's all too superficial. The few times my H helped me with outside chores is when we really communicated the best and we both left feeling satisfied. My view, possibly quite naive, is that a separation will help me to look at what we had and if that can be resurrected, if I can even take the steps necessary to even try. But, if he's not willing to walk this path with me, to me that says more than any words he could use. I wish he could just see the value in "I loved her even when, she was going through a really hard time". Maybe it could be "I loved her even when, she hurt me at my core". You know as the rest of us, if you don't find a way to let go of this resentment it will have a VERY negative effect on YOU physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you don't do it for her and the kids you have to do it for yourself as it will take its toll in more ways than a divorce. Easier said than done, I get that. Just a thought in my mind that made its way to my fingers.


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

I was thinking about this as I was watering my flowers. You know I work with physicians all day that act, behave and complain in just the same way you shared. (most divorced and spent years rebuilding their lives and not one thing changed for them because of it). Not that you don't have legitimate right to your feelings. But my point is you've got to get over what a catch you percieve yourself. (fit, attractive,educated, disciplined etc) It seems that maybe you see yourself in a way that she should be lucky to have someone of your caliber, education, sophistication, you know what I'm saying and she doesn't appreciate what any OTHER woman would if given the opportunity. I might enjoy working with physicians/surgeons but I DAMN SURE WOULDN'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ONE... And that's the truth. 
I can relate in a way to your views on this to a certain degree, I'm given compliments everyday on my appearance. But ultimately for me that works against me. I always feel compelled to be the best "person" I can be so beauty isn't what represents me. Basically, physicians are put through hell in training, residency and building their practices. Following that there seems to be a sense of entitlement that follows. There's such a drive to achieve that anything left in the quake behind them gets swollowed up in the "mission to achieve". It takes an amazing woman with a very strong sense of self to balance that and with (what 5 kids) she'd have to be pretty extrodinary. If I'm way off base, could be, and if you're an orthopedist, forget it, just humble thyself.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

If my post came off as arrogant I apologize. What you are sensing is frustration more than hubris. The difficulty I am having is that I am trying with all of my core and fiber to be a good husband, a good father, a good Dr. etc. However, it is sort of like being an alchemist, and I am starting to suspect that this formula doesn't exist. Women often lament about being torn between career and family, well welcome to a professional man's world. I understand your struggle well, and it is a b*tch. My wife's solution when she is pressed by life is simply to cut back on the wife portion of the recipe, as I am a "full grown, tough, black belt, ex-miltary man", I should certainly be able to handle it. Well my response is "no I cannot handle it" when my wife who is supposed to love and nurture me, decides that she is too tired to even talk or snuggle with me at night for 5 minutes. My problem is one of parody. Latest example, our 6 year old wasn't feeling well last night so she spent the night with us in bed. My wife had previously stated she was going to get up "early" at 6:00 am this morning for her workout as she had a lot to take care of today with the kid's schools. Well, I slept in the same bed she did, and my sleep number is a 65 not a 100, so the kid rolls down hill towards me. God does she have boney little knees. Anyway, 4:15 this morning I am up getting my ranger wanna-be son ready for his morning workout. I return home at 7:00am and she's still in bed. She said she'll go later. Well who do you suppose will be having pizza tonight for dinner...me. Why because she will shave the time it would have taken her to make a decent and healthy dinner off my side, and well what kid doesn't love pizza anyway she'll rationalize. I know this is petty, but it illustrates a difference. My sleep sucked too, but I gutted up and still did everything that was expected of me, and everything I had commited to. I trained my son, saw patient's all day, and at best had 5 minutes to myself, just enough time to pee, quaff down a couple of protein bars, and a cup or three of coffee. In short, I have not eaten anything that any person would actually recognize as food. Dinner, is really the only true meal I eat in a day, but if she is busy what will she cut...dinner. She'll bring home fast food, and I don't eat junk, so I am sort of like that "Fox and Stork" in the kid's book, left with nothing to eat. Can I make food for myself? Sure. Would I rather not after pulling a 10 hour straight shift? Yah. She will then make a production about how difficult and impossible her day was. Well guess what gang, my day was long too, and I had absolutely no "downtime" either. However, who will be frowned down upon tomorrow morning when he decides to go to practice for 90 minutes? Me. There is no parody. She places herself under different operational rules than me, and frankly I resent it. I sacrafice for the team/family constantly. She only sacrifices for the kids, and it pisses me off if you know what I mean.
Sincerely, a Husband that deserves more.


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## ifonly (Aug 21, 2009)

My first thought after reading your reply was "is it all worth it". You must be EXHAUSTED with that schedule. Do you ever cut yourself some slack not to mention your loved ones. Your expectations are through the roof of yourself and I'm convinced of her, even IF you don't see it that way. Do you get to enjoy your YOUNG children in the moments you don't expect, when they're being silly, just goofing around, moments unrelated to schedules, practices, appts, meals, bedtime, bathtime, the ones you get when you are all just hanging out. 
It seems reasonable to be disappointed when what matters most to you gets ignored or unappreciated. It's hard to admit but I'm the guilty party on the other side. AND I have the same resentments as you just on the flip side. My H has great expectation of me but its somewhat unconscious on his part. He might not voice his dissatisfaction if A,B,C doesn't get done but the point is definately driven home. Then he feels abolished of any participation b/c he didn't say anything or complain. He didn't have to it was all over him. Its hard to live with someone you feel you always have to push yourself to just survive in the same house with. I literally fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, Saturday, after being busy all morning then felt terribly guilty as if I'd done something wrong. My H had indicated he needed help in the barn in the afternoon and when I woke up and realized how long I'd slept I felt a sense of worry that somehow I'd pay a price for not being more available earlier. That pressure builds and destroys loving connections. I don't want to spend time with him and do couple things, because I'm pissed. Do you think she might feel like just wants to have a more simple life? One that allows you to decide what you want to do that day and not one that was planned out for you the week prior? Life starts to feel robotic as its just a matter of completing the check off list. OR this could just be my issues and hers very different. I suspect we're close to the same age so it may be she's doing the life reflection as I've been doing lately. And in doing so I am sadly aware of how I've been spinning my wheels. I absolutley want the next 5-10 years to be ones that have a whole lot more HAPPINESS.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

ifonly has a point regarding the overscheduling of our lives.

As a kid I joined one activity. Sometimes, my mom would make the games (well..probably most). We were allowed freedom to hang out with friends and do nothing. My mom never drove me to my friends house. If I didn't walk or ride my bike, then I couldn't go.

Somehow, my generation (I'm 43) got into the drive kids to friends, practice, school activities, extra activities, birthday parties (everyone has one for every year), etc. It's exhausting to be a parent.

My grandparents had a simpler approach to living. We'd go visit them. They planned lunch and nothing else. We'd hang at the house and visit and play cards and sit on the patio and do a chore together. We got to build our relationship that way and learned alot about life. Yes. There were parts that were dysfuctional. Our family had it's problems. I learned many things regarding how to work out family issues.

There is something to be said for an unscheduled personal life. This is food for thought.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, I stand corrected. Friday night she had a wonderful dinner ready when I got home. She did say that she was "running behind" all Friday morning, so she decided to "cut out her gym time" as she had slept in. I was impressed as this hasn't exactly been the norm and complemented her warmly for both dinner and being selfless. Saturday morning was "very nice", but I am not going to write about any of that. I then went to practice with her blessing. We spent the afternoon together shopping for this and that and it was pleasant. No shopping always sucks, but I enjoyed her company. This evening, she had a "girl party" to attend at a friend's house as an old acquaintance of hers had flown in from Peru, or some other ungodly place. She invited me, but I told her as no one's husband was going to be there except for the hostess's, that she should just enjoy herself with her lady friends. All in all a complete 360 from my post last Saturday when our entire world fell apart following a funeral. The moral...there is always hope. Here is to one day at a time. Hmm, I sound like an addict. I guess I am, a love addict.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I am glad to hear things are better. My sister in laws tragic death was a real catalyst to a better marriage for my husband and me. Not only did I have the common "life is fleeting" feelings, but I also realized my husband had deep emotional problems that he needed me for.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Another positive day. We seem to be gaining momentum. I think/hope this will be my last post on this particular forum.


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