# Do Cheaters often complain about being controlled?



## Yankee99 (Nov 4, 2013)

Title of the thread says it all.

My wife complained that she felt controlled and was in a "prison". Is this a common theme for cheaters?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I just had this conversation today. Their affairs are escapes from reality a lot of time. They get to control their fantasy world, you know the one where they can have lots of sex with no consequences and no one gets hurt.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Yankee99 said:


> Title of the thread says it all.
> 
> My wife complained that she felt controlled and was in a "prison". Is this a common theme for cheaters?


If she "felt" controlled by you, she always...ALWAYS had the option to *leave*

She chose to cheat instead. 

Besides, if she felt like she was "in prison" while married to you, would she want to stay married to her "jailor"? 

It doesn't make sense because it is NONESENSE.

Vega


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Every time my BIL confronted my cheating SIL about her texting the OM or any other inappropriate behavior, she would immediately bring out the "you're trying to control me" card. 

When my BIL told my husband and I that she said this, we laughed because SHE is the most controlling person we've ever met.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yep
Sometimes, I would say to ex "Babe, I don't like that you spent too much time texting so and so ..."

His reply was "Stop being so controlling" or "We are just friends"

I wish I had found TAM 5 years ago!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> ... fantasy world, you know the one where they can have lots of sex with no consequences and no one gets hurt.


Isn't that _supposed to be _what marriage offers?


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## timedoesnothealall (Sep 15, 2013)

I wish that I'd found TAM 29 years ago.

Trouble is, Jobs & Wozniak were busy in the garage back in those days. Still, there's never a day that goes by that I don't think about it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Yankee99 said:


> Title of the thread says it all.
> 
> My wife complained that she felt controlled and was in a "prison". Is this a common theme for cheaters?


Yes, it is pretty common.

Cheaters revert to a teenage mentality.

They are the teenager, who wants to stay out late, party, skip school, etc.

You are the parent.

They hate the questions like, "where were you last night?" "who were you with?" "did you have fun?"

They don't want to lie, but they HAVE to lie, because they know you wouldn't "let" them continue to go out and have fun with their "friends" if you knew the truth.

They know they don't have to follow the "rules of the house," but if they don't, they also know they can't stay there anymore.

Anyway, they feel like they are "in prison" because they want to be able to have the affair but they can't act freely because of YOU.

After the affair is discovered, and they STILL want to CONTINUE with the affair, and you want to check the phone, email, have them be transparent as far as what they are doing and who they are seeing, they feel you are controlling and, let's face it, at that point, you ARE controlling, but NOT without a pretty good reason.

When they realize the damage they have done and are sorry for it and want to improve the marriage and make it up to you, they no longer will feel you are controlling and they will stop saying it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your answer to the cheater yelling control---is that YOU ARE DOING WHAT IS NECESSARY TO SAVE THIS MGE----if they don't like it, they can always file for D

If the betrayed needs to keep a tight reign over the adulterer, the adulterer brought it all on him/herself


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes. I even got 'my facade of non control was a trick through which I exerted control!'


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

It happens like this.

Gaslighting...

H. Where were you, you've been gone for four hours.

WW. I went for a drive, you're so controlling.

H. You worked late? Why didn't you call or text to let me know?

WW. You're so controlling.

H. How come you didn't answer my texts or calls for hours?

WW. Why are you trying to control me?

H. Why did you cheat on me with that other man?

WW. Because you were so controlling.


Basically, when you're being gas-lit, you're being told everything is fine, when deep in your gut you know it's not. You start to question these things, and when you do, you're told you're 'needy' or 'controlling' or 'jealous'. These are all normal behavior for someone that is being tricked into thinking they are in a healthy relationship, when they have strong signs that something is wrong. They try to 'control' things they can control. 

What I said to my WW, and MC, was 'obviously not controlling enough, she cheated on me for years and I had no idea'..

The real 'control' is being dealt by the one who's manipulating with lies and deceit, and usually demonizing the betrayed spouse to others, telling them how controlling and jealous they are. Who's really in 'control' in the relationship, the one that's having cake and eating it too, or the one that has no idea what's really going on?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yep. My super-control freak, everything his way or else, husband said I was "always so controlling". As Will_Kane said very well, it's that rebellious teen mentality. The truth is, he had a vast amount of freedom and 100% of my trust. The issue was not that he had a legitimate need to escape his overly controlling wife, but rather that he took my easy going nature absolutely for granted. He abused the freedom and trust he had. In reality, it wasn't my control, but his _lack of self-control_ that was the problem. I didn't want to control him. But I needed him to control himself and behave in a way that I could accept in my marriage if I were going to stay with him. 

The cheater sees even normal boundaries as "too confining". The BS trying to explain what is and is not acceptable in a marriage is deemed "control" because it's not what the WS wants to be doing. BS's get themselves into trouble, I think, by trying to insist that the WS straighten up and fly right. They don't want to. And you can't change another person. It helps nothing for the BS to become controlling in an attempt to end an affair or prevent a new one. The WS will simply rebel more. What the BS has to do is establish personal boundaries regarding what they will and will not accept in a relationship, and act accordingly, despite what the WS chooses to do.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yep they anything a cheater sees as stopping them have what they want is "controlling"

give me a break!


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Yankee99 said:


> Title of the thread says it all.
> 
> My wife complained that she felt controlled and was in a "prison". Is this a common theme for cheaters?


My WS didn't state controlling behavior on my part contributed to his choice to have an affair. However, I know his perception of me is that I am controlling. He also felt his mother was very controlling while he and his sister were growing up. He seems to have a better understanding of opposite sex friendships now. How for him those tend to go down a slippery slope. Before he thought I was just jealous and insecure. He still feels I am overly controlling with money although he always has plenty of it. I'm not a miser but I don't spend money just for the sake of doing so, despite the fact we both earn good money. Overall I feel he thinks most women are controlling. He sometimes reminds me of a 53yo teenager, yet one who is starting to see the light. His overall behavior and outlook has improved dramatically, particularly in the last 6 months. I only hope it continues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

They all say that. Honestly. Do any NOT?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes they do.

- To gaslight and obfuscate during the A so they can have easier access to the AP.

- To rationalize to themselves and others that they have good reason to cheat on their spouse.

- And after they've gotten caught, to avoid consequences.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

My wife used the term "controlling" on me as well for her justification of cheating. When we discussed the factualness of her statement she admitted it was not true. She said she picked it up in conversations with other females.

I have noticed that it is a common term used by females today. If you pay attention you will be shocked at how often females claim that the men in their lives are controlling. They accuse their husbands, fathers, bosses as controlling like a knee jerk reaction.

I believe they want equality with men but they do not want the responsibility and burdens of that equality. So for example, your wife wants to cheat like men do but she does want to take the heat men do when they cheat. It allows to do the male thing but hold onto the victim mentallity of many women.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

My wife used the term "controlling" on me as well for her justification of cheating. When we discussed the factualness of her statement she admitted it was not true. She said she picked it up in conversations with other females.

I have noticed that it is a common term used by females today. If you pay attention you will be shocked at how often females claim that the men in their lives are controlling. They accuse their husbands, fathers, bosses as controlling like a knee jerk reaction.

I believe they want equality with men but they do not want the responsibility and burdens of that equality. So for example, your wife wants to cheat like men do but she does want to take the heat men do when they cheat. It allows to do the male thing but hold onto the victim mentallity of many women.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Yes they do.
> 
> - To gaslight and obfuscate during the A so they can have easier access to the AP.
> 
> ...


Ding Ding Ding on #3


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife was the classic, "he is controlling". Heard her tell the XOM on the recording, her to the XOM "Don't you hate that our spouses check on us and try to controll us?" Him, yea.

She was telling her family how controlling I was. Really. How about, her saying, "I am going to watch my brother's house in another state and I need space". She would not come home. I had no control. How about her cheating on me and lying about it? I had no control. All the times she said I was controlling, were times I questioined where she was. I had no controll what she did. None.

The controll gig worked on one brother and one sister, the rest of her family saw right through her lies. 

Even my sons told me that their mother tried to convince them how controlling I was, and they did not buy it. They told her, "Dad is'nt around during the day, how can he controll you?" And they said, "dad does not controll you at all, he is pretty chill most of the time".


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

My H always had the attitude of 'f-you, I'm going to do what I want' towards his parents. He was much more passive aggressive about it toward me, but I can see it pretty clearly now. It's interesting since I had no boundaries myself and never wanted to step on his toes. Again, I see now that that's not a part of a healthy relationship.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Yankee99 said:


> Title of the thread says it all.
> 
> My wife complained that she felt controlled and was in a "prison". Is this a common theme for cheaters?


Unless the answer is going to stop the door from closing behind her, who cares?

Man, they say it all after getting caught. These are their little justifications. 
Their life is their responsibility, and if they felt "controlled", it was on them to voice that, instead of opening their legs for OM.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Thou shalt accuse suspicious spouse of being controlling when confronted.

Commandment number one in the Cheater Bible.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MissFroggie said:


> Cheaters make all kinds of excuses to make their affairs everyone's fault but their own. They are spineless self-serving manipulators. Of course it was your fault - you were controlling, you didn't give enough attention, you didn't work enough, you worked too much, you don't understand the way they did, it didn't mean anything anyway...if you'd been better this would never have happened....always excuses that make it your fault. Check out the cheater's script thread on here - makes for a very interesting read!
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/128754-examples-cheaters-script-thread-resource.html


Okay, my ex had an EA years before she had PA. After I found out about EA - we went and discussed what was missing and she said "you do not tell me you love me" "you do not hold my hand when we walk down the street". I made sure I did all of that everyday and guess what my reward was? A Physical Affair....I realize now - she was going to do what she was going to do and it did not matter what I did or did not do.....that's why I do not buy into excuses that people who cheat use.....if you are going to do it be an adult and own up to it! At least afford the BS the dignity of being right.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Great thread. Marriage is a voluntary commitment. The fundamental difference between marriage and all other civil contracts is that you cannot go to court to enforce much of anything, aside from situations like parental kidnapping and access to the family home.

Everything to do with sex, money and family life requires negotiation. The government will not make a spouse remember to take out the garbage. It cannot control a husband's online poker or a wife's Tupperware addiction.

To be sure some spouses feel they are not treated fairly in the negotiations. In some cases their complaints are substantial and legitimate grounds for leaving the marriage. Cheating usually does not address any of the conflicts.

By cheating the adulterers actually increase the need for control to save marriage. The amount of freedom for both WS and BS decreases.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I heard this argument too from my wife. After I found out about her PA in August, we agreed that everything needed to be open. Email, computer, Facebook etc. She gave me all her passwords and access. We were working toward a R for over a month, meeting with our pastor, a marriage counselor. Them I came across an email account she never told me about. She saved the phone number of the OM. I also found emails that indicated that an EA she had had with an old boyfriend several years before, and that I thought I had put a stop to, never really ended until June of this year. Needless to say I was hurt and angry and checked everything, all the time. She said that I was too controlling and felt that it would be best if she moved out so we could work things out. She moved out last week. I have no control over her now. She seems to feel we can work things out. I didn't trust her while she was here, I definitely don't trust her now. I'm feel it's just a matter of time before it's over.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ClairesDad said:


> I heard this argument too from my wife. After I found out about her PA in August, we agreed that everything needed to be open. Email, computer, Facebook etc. She gave me all her passwords and access. We were working toward a R for over a month, meeting with our pastor, a marriage counselor. Them I came across an email account she never told me about. She saved the phone number of the OM. I also found emails that indicated that an EA she had had with an old boyfriend several years before, and that I thought I had put a stop to, never really ended until June of this year. Needless to say I was hurt and angry and checked everything, all the time. She said that I was too controlling and felt that it would be best if she moved out so we could work things out. She moved out last week. I have no control over her now. She seems to feel we can work things out. I didn't trust her while she was here, I definitely don't trust her now. I'm feel it's just a matter of time before it's over.


Prediction: She's having fun with OM while waiting on you to cave because you miss her so much and beg her to come home. She will then want to do so under her terms, which will include full freedom for her and lots and lots of rug sweeping.

I'm sorry to say that you're probably right that your marriage will soon be over. Sadly, it's not possible to make a WS want to do the things it takes to have a true R or a healthy marriage with good boundaries.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My xWW mentioned that as well 

But her primary complaint was money and lifestyle. 

Some time pulling her own weight and she now sings a different tune.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

ClairesDad said:


> I heard this argument too from my wife. After I found out about her PA in August, we agreed that everything needed to be open. Email, computer, Facebook etc. She gave me all her passwords and access. We were working toward a R for over a month, meeting with our pastor, a marriage counselor. Them I came across an email account she never told me about. She saved the phone number of the OM. I also found emails that indicated that an EA she had had with an old boyfriend several years before, and that I thought I had put a stop to, never really ended until June of this year. Needless to say I was hurt and angry and checked everything, all the time. She said that I was too controlling and felt that it would be best if she moved out so we could work things out. She moved out last week. I have no control over her now. She seems to feel we can work things out. I didn't trust her while she was here, I definitely don't trust her now. I'm feel it's just a matter of time before it's over.


I don't get the point of separation. It just seems like an intermediate, unnecessary step on the way to divorce, esp. if it is in the immediate aftermath of an affair. Why bother?


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## Yankee99 (Nov 4, 2013)

So many replies! Thanks all. I feel a lot better right now.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Cheaters revert to a teenage mentality.


My stbxh's mentality never made it to the teenage stage. His way of saying "You are controlling" was by saying "I'm a big boy. I can do what I want." 

Every time he said it, it left me speechless. Does an adult really say that?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> My stbxh's mentality never made it to the teenage stage. His way of saying "You are controlling" was by saying "I'm a big boy. I can do what I want."
> 
> Every time he said it, it left me speechless. Does an adult really say that?


Mine actually said "You can't make me!" one time. I was seriously waiting for the foot stomp.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Mine actually said "You can't make me!" one time. I was seriously waiting for the foot stomp.


With arms folded and a mad pouty face?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Looking back I missed some big red flags. I worked from home a few times and spoiled her day off to play with the boy. I was smothering her and she needed alone time.

One time I came home and she asked me where her car was and I told her the shop needed another day, she worked from home. She went into a rant how that was horrible, un professional and so on. I guess I screwed up another hook up.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Mine actually said "You can't make me!" one time. I was seriously waiting for the foot stomp.


:lol::rofl:


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Every time my BIL confronted my cheating SIL about her texting the OM or any other inappropriate behavior, she would immediately bring out the "you're trying to control me" card.
> 
> When my BIL told my husband and I that she said this, we laughed because SHE is the most controlling person we've ever met.


This was my situation too. I was married to a very very jealous woman who didnt believe in op sex friends, saying hello was inappropriate flirting (even with her female cousin) etc. I got in trouble for watching the tv show "stacked" because Pam Anderson was in it.

Then when she had male friends she was talking to and texting, I was the one who was overly jealous and controlling.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Yes, they and everyone that supports them will cry afoul when it comes to controlling.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

russell28 said:


> With arms folded and a mad pouty face?


Mine still pokes out his lips....at age 50. I'm not joking.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

YES. I thought I was going crazy for a while when my W was in her affair. Here's a couple of good ones.....

I stayed home from work one day to confront her. She was off work that day. When she found out I was staying home she said "What are you doing? You are messing up my day off! I have things to do!" This was after I told her why I was staying home. No concept of shame - she was going to meet OM that day. She said I was trying to control her by staying home to confront her.

During the affair I called my wife from work on my lunch break. I was calling to talk to her about one of the daughters activites that night. I was accused of tracking her every movement.

Her mother got her a burner cell phone. I confronted her mother about it after the heat of the affair. Mother said she didn't give her the phone to continue the affair, she gave it to her because I was spying on her and attempting to control her. She was worried her daughter didn't have any privacy. Wonder where my W gets it from?

Seriously - 2 days ago had a frank discussion with her parents. Her mother told me I should have given her daughter space, all I did was push her away and try to control her.

Funny, now that I think about it, I can see where a lot of this comes from her mother. Interesting....


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> YES. I thought I was going crazy for a while when my W was in her affair. Here's a couple of good ones.....
> 
> I stayed home from work one day to confront her. She was off work that day. When she found out I was staying home she said "What are you doing? You are messing up my day off! I have things to do!" This was after I told her why I was staying home. No concept of shame - she was going to meet OM that day. She said I was trying to control her by staying home to confront her.
> 
> ...


I wonder if the mother cheated. If her mother ever says something like that again, say something like this "privacy to do what, see other men?" remind her that the person cheating is usually the one pushing the other spouse away, not the other way around, to justify the affair. You were trying to control her, because in your gut you knew something wasn't right. Her affair proved that you were correct with your gut, and now in hindsight the control thing was just gas lighting to make you think you were doing something wrong by calling her on a lunch break. She should be thrilled to talk to her husband on lunch break. I bet she wouldn't have felt controlled if her boyfriend called her. Don't let the MIL gas light you either. There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with a mother that helps enable her daughters affair.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I don't get the point of separation. It just seems like an intermediate, unnecessary step on the way to divorce, esp. if it is in the immediate aftermath of an affair. Why bother?


Because its a way for them to test the market (or their new playtoy) to see if they want the new, while keeping the old (current spouse) on the sideline just in case. Its a way to dip their toes in the water.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I wonder if the mother cheated. If her mother ever says something like that again, say something like this "privacy to do what, see other men?" Don't let the MIL gas light you either. There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with a mother that helps enable her daughters affair.


I know right!?!? That's what I thought....it was messed up that her mother got her a burner phone. The MIL said it wasn't for communicating with the OM of course but the end result is MIL's actions helped take the affair underground and perpetuate it. That's CRAZY.

Actually I told the MIL the other night that yeah I had a problem when the affair was going on. My problem was I wasn't going to be in a marriage with a W who had a boyfriend on the side. MIL completely brushed it off. It's like she feels her daughters(my W)'s actions were justified. I was the "bad guy" for snooping to find out. My actions were controlling. Cuz my W was lying over and over and over.

No wonder I felt crazy like I was living in crazy town. You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree.....


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Vega said:


> If she "felt" controlled by you, she always...ALWAYS had the option to *leave*
> 
> She chose to cheat instead.
> 
> ...


Stockholm Syndrome?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Cheaters say all kinds of things to rationalize their affair. The things they say could even be true, but they still don't excuse the affair in any way. Cheaters cheat because they have terrible conflict resolution skills, are immature and selfish, have a need for validation from persons of the opposite sex, have bad boundaries...lots of reasons, but all the issues lie within the cheater making the choice to cheat instead of dealing with their issues.

A spouse could very well be controlling (or neglectful, workaholic, lazy, etc.), but that doesn't mean their spouse had to have an affair. They always have the choice to deal with the marital issues or leave instead.


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## Yankee99 (Nov 4, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> YES. I thought I was going crazy for a while when my W was in her affair. Here's a couple of good ones.....
> 
> I stayed home from work one day to confront her. She was off work that day. When she found out I was staying home she said "What are you doing? You are messing up my day off! I have things to do!" This was after I told her why I was staying home. No concept of shame - she was going to meet OM that day. She said I was trying to control her by staying home to confront her.
> 
> ...


I have great in laws too. Father was a compulsive cheater, left the family for 10 years, had the house foreclosed on to finance his affairs. Mother took him back around the time we got married.

Now during our latest round of marriage turmoil, they told my wife point blank "we won't babysit if you are going to get counseling with him" , but they are coming to babysit Saturday night (I have plans with a friend and apparently my wife wants to go out) So babysit to repair your marriage? no babysit so our married daughter can go out on a date with a married woman? ok.

Yeah, not dysfunctional at all. You should see my wife's siblings, she is considered "the normal one"


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

norajane said:


> Cheaters say all kinds of things to rationalize their affair. The things they say could even be true, but they still don't excuse the affair in any way. Cheaters cheat because they have terrible conflict resolution skills, are immature and selfish, have a need for validation from persons of the opposite sex, have bad boundaries...lots of reasons, but all the issues lie within the cheater making the choice to cheat instead of dealing with their issues.
> 
> A spouse could very well be controlling (or neglectful, workaholic, lazy, etc.), but that doesn't mean their spouse had to have an affair. *They always have the choice* to deal with the marital issues or leave instead.


:iagree:


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