# Soon to be married couple having some problems



## Man of Troy (Dec 22, 2014)

I am just looking for some suggestions from folks I hope have a lot more experience than I do. 

We have been together for three years and will be getting married soon. Everything in our relationship is pretty good. We get along damn near perfectly emotionally and spiritually, but the physical/intimate part of our relationship is not as good as it could be. I have the higher sex drive of the two of us, but I have fairly good self control. I would love the be close to her at least once a week, but we are much closer to once every month or two. I have tried being more affectionate, and it makes her happy and better. She just kinda, well, seems to forget. Her life is just too busy she says. Too tired at night, too busy in the day, and she has to get ready in the morning. I try to help when I can, but I normally just get a thanks and its back to whatever she was doing. The part that really confuses me is that it doesn't matter what I want. She will go along with me but make it VERY clear she doesn't want to right now. But if she wants me I am expected to drop everything and do it now. Do I have plans? They don't matter. Am I going to see a friend? Nope, this needs to happen now. I have talked with her, and we have even tried to set up romantic nights and times to be intimate, sometimes weeks in advance, but she always cancels or says no the day of.

I just am at the end of my rope because I love her like the world. We work well together in every other way except in this. I am just hoping maybe someone has some advice to help with our little dilemma.

Thank you in advance


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what are your ages?

what is her sexual history?
Has she always been this way?
Has she had a number of lovers?

What do you think has changed since you've known her or known about her? Or maybe nothing has changed?

Unfortunately, maybe she's just not into sex. does she receive pleasure when you guys are intimate?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If this is such a problem already, and you're not even married yet, then it won't get better, I'm afraid. It sounds like she may be using sex to manipulate you into doing (or not doing) things on her agenda. I would suggest postponing the marriage (or cancelling it) until you can resolve the issues, if that's possible. You probably need couple's counseling, though.

I will also say that love is NOT enough to hold together a relationship long term. Real intimacy, mutual liking and respect are the minimum necessary additional requirements.


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## Man of Troy (Dec 22, 2014)

We are both fairly young, 22 soon to be 23.

She is a little more experienced than I am, but not by much.

She used to be better, but it has been declining for awhile now.

Like I said her number is by no means high

I don't feel like anything has changed, if anything we have been getting better and closer in every way but this. I mean I even get along really well with her parents and family haha.

And she seems to really enjoy sex when she wants it. And sometimes she does try to do things for me to, but its normally distracted and/or forced.

Thanks for the replies by the way.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is the honeymoon stage. It's only going to get worse. Much worse. She's telling you something about how she prioritizes your feelings. She's showing you its all about her. It's not like this is happening when you're 20 years in with a mortgage and 3 kids. If being sexless with a woman who doesn't mind ignoring your feelings is a deal breaker, well, it'll never be easier to put a hold on things than today.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well she needs to understand that marriage requires a lot of commitment, not just two people living together and getting along.

commitment to marriage means commitment to sex life.

once a month especially for so young is not 'normal'.

without trying to sound condescending (i have a lot to learn in my old age too) you two really need to figure out how to please each other, her in committing to more sex, and you on consistently pleasing her. 

Otherwise this will go on forever.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It seems like this happens in a lot of relationships - once the relationship is no longer "new," the hormones settle down a bit and the couple no longer has sex as often as they did in the beginning. 

Basically, what you're experiencing with her now is closer to her natural sex drive than the drive she had during the first year or two of the relationship. 

If you can't see yourself being happy with this level of sexual activity, you really should reconsider getting married. It may be a hard thing to break off an engagement, but think about how you will be feeling for the next 50 years if this is what your sex life will be like. You just may not be compatible as far as your sex drives go.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Man of Troy said:


> I am just looking for some suggestions from folks I hope have a lot more experience than I do. *There are people on TAM whose threads deal with sexless marriages. There are different causes of this blight. However, it would seem that only a minority find a solution. That does not mean there is no hope.
> 
> The worst scenario is married with kids and no sex for years.*
> 
> ...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

RUN!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that what you are seeing now is her normal level of sex drive. You are high drive. This is not going to work.

Both of you are very young. If you are not sure about breaking it off yet, the postpone the marriage to give both of you more time to figure this out.

Remember that love should not be work. Yes marriage is work. But it should not be as hard as it is right now for you. My advice is to not marry someone when there is sexual incompatibility. It will only lead to you being rejected and unloved throughout your entire marriage. Why would you want that? 

There are some books that might help you two if she is willing to read them and work through them with you:

"His Needs, Her Needs" 
"Love Busters"

Other good ones are at this link..

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

As others have said, marriage never fixes anything that is already broken. Since this bothers you now and it should, couples in their 20's should be "doing it" like rabbits, no mortgage, kids etc. Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. I really hate to say it, but hold off getting married or you will be miserable.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I'll agree with what everyone else has said, this isn't going to get better, however I disagree with you on saying that "everything is our relationship is pretty good". It's a long way from good. 

Your needs and priorities should matter to her every bit as much as she expects hers to matter to you. Without that you have nothing to base a marriage on.

First and foremost you need to postpone, or even cancel the wedding plans. Then you two need to sort out what matters to you both, and I mean sort it out. Getting a promise that "it's just the stress of the wedding" isn't a solution. 

This isn't a small relationship issue it's a big one and if you think that talking now and postponing the wedding is tough just wait until you need to have the same discussion after you are married and legally committed when the difficulties you see now will pale into insignificance.

I wish you luck.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Run Forest!!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your needs aren't important at all to her but she expects you to stop, drop and roll to meet her wishes? 

Get out, now. You are not emotionally or "spiritually" connected, not in the slightest. This isn't "working well together", either. You have latched onto a big ol' hairy lump of selfishness and if you think it's something of a problem now, just wait until that ring hits her finger. Nothing will kill a relationship like selfishness. Hit the trail and I mean now. She has no kids or mingled property to dangle over your head and she's already dismissive of your concerns, feels no special obligation to keep her promises to you, expects you to immediately take care of whatever she wants. Just imagine for a second what will become of you when she does have kids with you, when you do own a home together, when you do have $500K in your pension account. You are seeing her at her Sunday go-to-meeting very best behavior and you're already on a marriage forum. Run like hell.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP this is not a little issue, this is a HUGE HUGE issue!!!

You're having sex once every 1-2 months and you're not even married yet??? You two should be all over each other, every day at this stage!

At the very least, postpone the wedding while the two of you decide if this can be fixed. I don't really see how it can though - if she's LD she's LD and that's that. No amount of reading, talking or counselling will change that.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

OP- you should count yourself lucky that she is revealing her true self to you now prior to marriage. I am sure it seems very hard, but as others have said, it will never get easier to move on than right now. 

You are in your early 20s. You do not need to settle for this. 

Get out of this relationship, work on yourself and you will find something much, much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Run, run, run as fast as you can.

Against my better judgment, I married a man with a much lower sex drive than me and assumed it would all "work out." He was LD and I was HD.

We went from low sex to practically no sex. Twenty years later we finally divorced. 

Don't make the same mistake I made. Get out now BEFORE its too late. Sex and intimacy are the glue and the bond that hold a marriage together. Without it, it's almost destined to fail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Man of Troy said:


> Her life is just too busy she says. Too tired at night, too busy in the day, and she has to get ready in the morning. I try to help when I can, but I normally just get a thanks and its back to whatever she was doing.


Sounds like excuses but if they are not, then when is she going to find the time to dedicate to the marriage?



> The part that really confuses me is that it doesn't matter what I want. She will go along with me but make it VERY clear she doesn't want to right now. But if she wants me I am expected to drop everything and do it now. Do I have plans? They don't matter. Am I going to see a friend? Nope, this needs to happen now.


Confusing? Only to you who sees her actions through rose colored glasses. She's an uber taker and you're an uber giver. You're importance to her is dependent on your value to her. Once that is gone, so will she.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

foolscotton3 said:


> http://www.fortybeads.com/method/



I have three dozen beads left that are past their expiration date. Can I still use them?

Seriously, not a good scenario. At that age you should be going thru forty beads in a month or two...


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Man of Troy said:


> She is a little more experienced than I am, but not by much.


When women are asked how many sexual partners they have had they most often lie. The truth on average is between three and seven times higher. The numbers she tells is what she feels is acceptable to you. She is most likely way more experienced than you think. 

Your capable of having sex daily. She is going to have highs and lows with her desire. Once a month in between periods when she is most fertile her sex drive is going to be the highest. Lean the cycle and use it to your advantage. After children when they are young her sex drive is going to be even worst. 

Before we got our society morals and lived in small villages. Women would need help raising children and would band together. A mother with young children would not engage in sex with males. Other women would have to step-up and meet the sexual needs all the males in a village. "Cougars" use to serve a great roll in society by keep young males sexually satisfied. They could have sex for hours with several males, completely enjoying it and not worry about getting pregnant. A sexually frustrated male can a very dangerous animal. How many recent shooting was the male sexually frustrated? Women knew how to use there sexual power for the good of the village. 

Males and female's in todays moral society are sexually missed matched. Divorce and infidelity rates are both above fifth percent. Sexless marriages are normal with female sexual disorder the leading cause. 


Todays society moral values cause women to become sexual dysfunctional at a alarming rate and we all pay a price for that!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)




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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get out now. And read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for GF 2.0.

C


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Man of Troy said:


> We get along damn near perfectly emotionally and spiritually, but the physical/intimate part of our relationship is not as good as it could be. I have the higher sex drive of the two of us, but I have fairly good self control.
> 
> The part that really confuses me is that it doesn't matter what I want.
> 
> I just am at the end of my rope because I love her like the world. We work well together in every other way except in this. I am just hoping maybe someone has some advice to help with our little dilemma.


The overwhelming majority of posters here are going to tell you to walk away while you can. This will sound insensitive to you. You will think something along the lines of... _But you can't possibly understand how I feel about this woman. _

They are giving the correct advice. And they do know. They've been living the situation you've described for years. They have invested the bulk of their adult lives in a relationship like yours and can tell you exactly how this is going to go, and what you should do. Please listen to them. Your fiancee may be a terrific person in many ways. This isn't about putting her down.

*You are in your early 20's. This is not going to improve.* Most of us had much better sex lives and intimacy/communication levels than you do now when we got married. The signs we should have seen were harder to read. The decline did not begin until at least after marriage vows were exchanged; and usually only after finances intertwined, debt accumulated and children were born. 

The frustration you feel right now, before marriage and in your early 20's, is going to slowly consume you. You are going to burn the prime of your life and what's left of your youth in a marriage that is unsatisfying on a deep level. I grant you that walking away now will be painful and difficult. If you do not, however, you will soon realize that your choices are enduring fifty-plus years of this or walking away in a much more painful and difficult fashion some years from now. If children are involved, you can't begin to understand now how torturous a decision you'll face.

You are posting on a forum full of people who are enduring or have ended sexless marriages. You obviously have deep concerns and were hoping that there was some magical advice out there that would soothe them. There isn't. The situation you describe is a giant red flag that we all instantly cringe at reading. 

*Walk away, man*. Please.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

OnAnIsland said:


> *Walk away, man*. Please.


Seconded.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

You probably haven't even told her how important this is to you.

Tell her that it's so important that you're postponing the marriage.

Then, if she changes her ways you can consider marrying her. 

But, do not have children for several years. Make sure the change sticks at least that long.

I'm only suggesting this because you are probably having trouble accepting the best advice, which is to walk away NOW.

What this comes down to, in the BEST case, is that she doesn't care about your needs and your happiness. Why would you want to marry someone like that?


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## Man of Troy (Dec 22, 2014)

This is not at all what I was expecting. I actually thought I would get a lot more negative remarks about how I am some kind of nympho or sex maniac. Many of you are quite right, I really haven't pushed this issue like I should have because I thought I was the crazy one. I have taken some suggestions. I told her after work last night the wedding is postponed indefinably until we figure this out one way or the other.

My description of her really was a little harsh and bred from frustration. She does some really great things, like after I have been out all night at a fire or accident until 0600 she is up and has eggs cooked and waiting for me. She is only selfish when it comes to the physical side of our relationship, but I think alerting her to how very important this is knocked a little sense into her. The lease is up in April and that is our deadline. Either we will work it out or go our separate ways after that.

I truly want to thank everyone for their advice. I was a little shocked how many of you seemed to really care for my situation. God Bless, Merry Christmas, and thanks again for helping me open my eyes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In my experience...if it starts out bad it will continue on that track.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What your getting is a preview of your life with her. If your always putting your plans on hold when she wants something and yet your needs are met with a negative, then what was once a vice is now going to be a habit and until she learns that in a marriage there has to be giving besides taking then your troubles will get bigger. She needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her wants and needs.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Man of Troy said:


> I told her after work last night the wedding is postponed indefinably until we figure this out one way or the other.


What was her reaction?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

OP, even if she improves you have to understand that she is improving with a goal in mind. Once she achieves that goal, how do you know she won't go right back to where she is now?

look around on this site. There are so, so many examples of men who get cut off sexually after marriage and especially after children are born.

There are women out there who want the family lifestyle but have no real interest in having a loving life partner.

Your GF may fit into this category.


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## Man of Troy (Dec 22, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> What was her reaction?


Well about what you would expect. Angry at first, then tears that I was leaving her. Once I explained it though mostly regret at the "Heartless b***h I have been" (her words, not mine)

I am weary of the fact that this could be an act, but I do believe that she cares about us. Guess we will see. Tentative but hopeful. I have made it clear nothing is going to continue if I even have a doubt that this is how the rest of our life together would go, and that it is going to be up to her if we continue or not. Still love her, but I am tired of feeling like the messed up one. Like I said guys, couldn't be more thankful for all of the suggestions. I will probably have stay around this community.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I think you handled it with her almost perfectively.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Follow up with the books mentioned. You have a role in this too.

C


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

unless sex is not that important to you and you truly understand it will be like this for the rest of your marriage (with some ups and downs). IF you're truly ok with that. 

But you wouldn't be here if you were.

Hence, the advise you've gotten from posters here is well worth it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I would be less concerned about the "heartless beach" Mea Culpa part and more concerned about the fact it took you talking to her to have the epiphany.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

foolscotton3 said:


> I felt so bad for my wife, her last 2 LT relationships ended in abandonment or hidden infidelity, respectively. After our first 3 months of marriage I was begging for sex, after the first 6 months she was using sex to manipulate me, after a year I gave up asking. Last night during a heated exchange of our unmet needs. She asked me, "when was the last time you ever vacummed or washed dishes, or cooked, without me having to ask." I replied, "when was the last time we had sex without me begging?" It was dead silent the rest of the night.
> 
> She never initiated once in 3 years, I've heard every excuse every other guy had heard. I'm 32 years old, and all I hear is women complain that their man only gives it to them 2 or 3 times a week. I would settle for 2 or 3 times a month, at least I would stop begging and wouldn't have to endure the refusals followed by excuses.
> 
> ...



You should tell her you now understand why she was dumped 2x before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Melvynman said:


> When women are asked how many sexual partners they have had they most often lie. The truth on average is between three and seven times higher. The numbers she tells is what she feels is acceptable to you. She is most likely way more experienced than you think.


You are, of course, an expert what women do and do not do. :rofl:



Melvynman said:


> Your capable of having sex daily. She is going to have highs and lows with her desire. Once a month in between periods when she is most fertile her sex drive is going to be the highest. Lean the cycle and use it to your advantage. After children when they are young her sex drive is going to be even worst.


:scratchhead:


Melvynman said:


> Before we got our society morals and lived in small villages. Women would need help raising children and would band together. A mother with young children would not engage in sex with males. Other women would have to step-up and meet the sexual needs all the males in a village. "Cougars" use to serve a great roll in society by keep young males sexually satisfied. They could have sex for hours with several males, completely enjoying it and not worry about getting pregnant. A sexually frustrated male can a very dangerous animal. How many recent shooting was the male sexually frustrated? Women knew how to use there sexual power for the good of the village. !


So, we now know the solution to gun violence and violent male behavior… "Cougars". Why don’t you lobby Congress for a grant to implement the "Cougar” brigade, for the good of society of course. 



Melvynman said:


> Males and female's in todays moral society are sexually missed matched. Divorce and infidelity rates are both above fifth percent. Sexless marriages are normal with female sexual disorder the leading cause. !


This is just bunk (like the rest of this thread). Men are as likely to choose to make a marriage sexless as women are. And yes there have been studies done on this.



Melvynman said:


> Todays society moral values cause women to become sexual dysfunctional at a alarming rate and we all pay a price for that!


:rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> I felt so bad for my wife, her last 2 LT relationships ended in abandonment or hidden infidelity, respectively. After our first 3 months of marriage I was begging for sex, after the first 6 months she was using sex to manipulate me, after a year I gave up asking. Last night during a heated exchange of our unmet needs. She asked me, "when was the last time you ever vacummed or washed dishes, or cooked, without me having to ask." I replied, "when was the last time we had sex without me begging?" It was dead silent the rest of the night.
> 
> She never initiated once in 3 years, I've heard every excuse every other guy had heard. *I'm 32 years old, and all I hear is women complain that their man only gives it to them 2 or 3 times a week.* I would settle for 2 or 3 times a month, at least I would stop begging and wouldn't have to endure the refusals followed by excuses.


Where do you hear women complaining about getting sex only 2-3 times a week? I'm just curious.



foolscotton3 said:


> Her latest excuse is she doesn't feel she is as in shape as she wants to be. So, I don't get sex, cause she doesn't like how she looks. I asked her, "have I ever said I didn't like your body?" Her response, "its more important what (she) thinks about her body."
> 
> 1.5 years into this marriage bro, I no longer look at my wife as sexual. I have to take that desire elsewhere, and the pathetic shame is killing me.
> 
> Step back, way back.


Why "Step back, way back"?

You have given yet one more very profound reason why you might want to consider ending your marriage. You deleted your thread so your story is lost on here.


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

Man of Troy said:


> I am weary of the fact that this could be an act, but I do believe that she cares about us. Guess we will see. Tentative but hopeful. I have made it clear nothing is going to continue if I even have a doubt that this is how the rest of our life together would go, and that it is going to be up to her if we continue or not.


I stand by my original advice. It is based on my experiences, though, and not yours. I commend you for voicing your concerns and your expectations, and telling her that the relationship and marriage plans are in serious jeopardy.

This is your life, and this is the woman that you love. Life is about hard choices. I hope that whatever you choose to do, you'll look back in twenty years with confidence that the right decision was made. 

A post like yours makes a lot of us jump up and yell 'leave!' It's probably the advice we'd love to yell at our younger selves sometimes. To be sure, the odds and the situation as you described it do not look good to us. Perhaps some solid communication with her now will change this course and make things right. No one here wants you to fail just to be proven right. Take some time with this. Talk to some people who've been married a while. Look at it from different perspectives. Whatever you do, remember that you're still at a point in life where you can make choices about you. It becomes us. Then it becomes a family. You sound like a good guy. Make sure you choose the right person to become a family with. 

Merry Christmas. Relax a few days and enjoy.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

So what is stopping you from filing for divorce? It's not like the two of you have small children to keep you in the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chaos said:


> So what is stopping you from filing for divorce? It's not like the two of you have small children to keep you in the marriage.


They are not married. It's really hard to get a divorce when not married.. you know


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You asked what others with more experience would say and now you have it. This won't Get better.... it will much likely get worse. You have a mismatched sex drive and this will be your life. Once a month.

I commend you for taking the step of a long courtship to see how this would play out
I commend you for recognizing the issue and not saying "this will magically get better " and seeking advice from those who have lived this
I hope I can commend you from not making this mistake and find someone you are more compatable with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> My wife's friends, TAM, family.
> 
> Why i removed my story...
> My wife saw notifications on my phone from TAM, she checked the profiles of people that responded to anything I post. She found a few females were in the audiance, and now feels betrayed that I talk to females about our marriage problems. So that's her justification for her talking public/privately on fb about our marriage problems, which is also why I am here in the first place... I offered her my entire phone so she could validate any concerns she might have, but she refused the offer, so I guess that means I have no defense.
> ...


Your wife is posting on Facebook to people you both know. She is doing it to paint a story that she can control.

You are posting anonymously to a lot of anonymous people. No one knows you or her. 

there is a HUGE difference.

Perhaps you could invite her here and the two of you can post. It would be great to have both of you and the two sides of the story.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Man of Troy said:


> This is not at all what I was expecting. I actually thought I would get a lot more negative remarks about how I am some kind of nympho or sex maniac. Many of you are quite right, I really haven't pushed this issue like I should have because I thought I was the crazy one. I have taken some suggestions. I told her after work last night the wedding is postponed indefinably until we figure this out one way or the other.
> 
> My description of her really was a little harsh and bred from frustration. She does some really great things, like after I have been out all night at a fire or accident until 0600 she is up and has eggs cooked and waiting for me. She is only selfish when it comes to the physical side of our relationship, but I think alerting her to how very important this is knocked a little sense into her. The lease is up in April and that is our deadline. Either we will work it out or go our separate ways after that.
> 
> I truly want to thank everyone for their advice. I was a little shocked how many of you seemed to really care for my situation. God Bless, Merry Christmas, and thanks again for helping me open my eyes.


You have given yourself and many people here at TAM a magnificent Christmas present. One way or the other, your life will be better now.


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