# Trying not to regret my agreement on summer settlement of kids



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm happy with all of the outcomes in the mediation settlement for the exception of one thing: the amount of time my spouse has the kids in the summer. The standard in Texas says the out of state spouse has the kids for 42 days while the managing conservator gets to see them for 1 weekend during that time. My STBXW asked for 60 days. I countered at first that I want to see the kids for 1 week during that time. It was ultimately agreed she sees them for 30 days, then I have them for 7, then she gets them for 30 more days. She has to pay airfare for flying the kids at all times except for when I visit or fly them down for that one week. The things is, I received my return time back to school as an educator. Based on my work schedule, my STBXW has asked for the kids to fly up the first day I have off for the summer(around June 11) and wants to return the kids 8 days before school starts. I return 2 weeks before school starts. So I only get one week of vacation with them. Before mediation she was suggesting the kids come up around June 22. Looks like she changed her tune. I am hoping to see if she could move the day she wants them to visit back 4-5 days and have them return 4-5 days later than originally planned. The whole time the kids are up there she is working and will have them in camps and at daycare. And she still has to pay me child support near the some of 1K during this time too. Yet, I'm still kicking myself for not reducing the time. I guess I was just thinking about the kids. It just seems she has picked the dates to really sock it to me. What do you guys think? I keep telling myself I still get a week in the middle and that the time off will allow me to recharge. But it would have been nice to get another week with the kids during our time off.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I'm happy with all of the outcomes in the mediation settlement for the exception of one thing: the amount of time my spouse has the kids in the summer. The standard in Texas says the out of state spouse has the kids for 42 days while the managing conservator gets to see them for 1 weekend during that time. My STBXW asked for 60 days. I countered at first that I want to see the kids for 1 week during that time. It was ultimately agreed she sees them for 30 days, then I have them for 7, then she gets them for 30 more days. She has to pay airfare for flying the kids at all times except for when I visit or fly them down for that one week. The things is, I received my return time back to school as an educator. Based on my work schedule, my STBXW has asked for the kids to fly up the first day I have off for the summer(around June 11) and wants to return the kids 8 days before school starts. I return 2 weeks before school starts. So I only get one week of vacation with them. Before mediation she was suggesting the kids come up around June 22. Looks like she changed her tune. I am hoping to see if she could move the day she wants them to visit back 4-5 days and have them return 4-5 days later than originally planned. The whole time the kids are up there she is working and will have them in camps and at daycare. And she still has to pay me child support near the some of 1K during this time too. Yet, I'm still kicking myself for not reducing the time. I guess I was just thinking about the kids. It just seems she has picked the dates to really sock it to me. What do you guys think? I keep telling myself I still get a week in the middle and that the time off will allow me to recharge. But it would have been nice to get another week with the kids during our time off.


Guaranteed if she must provide bf's DL number, her time will be greatly reduced through her choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So much can change over time. You may have to spend one summer like this and mom may decide something else.

Hang in there...you're doing a great job..very strong.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Requiring the DL was a part of the agreement in mediation. And if they say no, you better believe I don't have to send them.
And I've heard ex-spouses change their tune over time. It's gonna be a huge financial crunch on my ex to take care of the kids (camps, daycare, plus paying child support). 
In regards to the rest of the settlement, this is what we agreed upon:
1. House- I received the house.
2. Assets- I kept all assets except some of her personal belongings.
3. Retirement- we kept our own retirement.
4. Savings- we split 50/50.
5.. Credit card debt- we split 50/50 from the moment she stopped contributing $$ to the family months ago.
6. She keeps her own cc debt that she has acquired since moving out and she is responsible for her car loan debt.
7. She pays for kids health insurance and 50% co-pays.
8. She pays for ALL flight costs for her or kids.

I know most men won't pity me because as a father, I'm in a rare position, especially to be awarded the kids. I hope I received a good settlement. Divorce still sucks though.
Aside from this, I know anything can be mutually negotiable after divorce. Does anyone here find themselves mutually changing things up after divorce? Just curious.


----------



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

HDad,

I am a teacher too, and I understand how you are disappointed that you won't have your kids in the summer. But, I guess we all have to compromise...the rest of your settlement seems pretty good for you. I have 75% custody of my 15 month old son. ...and I have had to give up a few things, but overall, I think I have a pretty good settlement. I try to look at the big picture.

If things aren't setting well with you though, ask your lawyer--ask him/her if the settlement is fair or if there was a way that you could get more time with the kids in the summer. The lawyers have seen a lot of cases, and they can usually give pretty good advice and help answer your questions.

This does suck, though--to have to give up time with our kids...especially when none of this was our choice.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree especially when it was your Exs choice to move out of state. So selfish. At her only family counseling the counselors told her bluntly that she needed to be closer home to her kids. She came up with every lane excuse in the book. My kids suffer for her selfish actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...your exwife is selfish and really shouldn't get to call the shots about the kids. She left.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I agree especially when it was your Exs choice to move out of state. So selfish. At her only family counseling the counselors told her bluntly that she needed to be closer home to her kids. She came up with every lane excuse in the book. My kids suffer for her selfish actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She only cares about herself - and probably not even that.

HDad,

Now that you see this, is it possible to treat her in the way she deserves?

For you see, for her "wrong is right". Her premise is that the world revolves around her. There isn't room in it for anyone else... you, kids, nobody. Not even OM - believe me.

You try to be a nice guy. You try to compromise and reach mutual win-win agreements.

How's that workin' for ya?

She only plays win-lose.

It's all she knows.

Burn this into your head.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

When she gets the kids in the summer, does she have finally say when they come and go, do I? Or should we compromise/agree?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> When she gets the kids in the summer, does she have finally say when they come and go, do I? Or should we compromise/agree?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her what you are ok - and not ok - with.

And stick with it.

No amount of appeasement will work with dictators.

It's been tried for centuries.

The results are always the same.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Looked at our mediation agreement and it's not clear who has the final say of exactly when the kids come and go with my ex during the summer. I might have some pull here. But as of now, she still wants to exercise all of the 60 days.
Unfortunately, I realized that my ex not only wants to have the kids come up to visit right when I'm off for the summer(June 11), but that the kids will miss time with me that weekend (Father's Day June 15). I sent my STBXW an email explaining this and that I and the kids would like one week together before they go up and that if needed they could stay a week longer. I really feel like I earned that day. But I doubt she'll understand.
The only problem with requesting the week with the kids before going up is that it would mean the kids returning a day or two before school starts if mom uses all 60 days. She hasn't responded, so I'm not sure what her plan is. I strongly believe that she's so co-dependent, so depressed that she must have her kids to make her feel better. How easily she forgets spending almost everyday locked in her room avoiding the kids while she was on her computer and months when she chatted with the OM instead of hanging out with us. Grrr. Sorry. Just venting.
She could try to make me use my week with the kids during that time which means I wouldn't get to see them in the middle of that long visitation. I just hope she'll understand and that if she spends 53 days with the kids that she could always use that week another time during the year if she likes. I've never kept the kids from her, always let the kids visit during our seperation, I've always been accomodating. Will she return the favor? Looks like I'll find out when she responds today. Today is the day in our agreement that says she must submit her time spent with the kids in the summer, so I don't know if that has to be agreed on by us, or just something that she needs to send me?


----------



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

HDad, 

I think that your request is more than reasonable. None of this is fair for you though--none of it. 

My heart aches for you. It just doesn't seem right that you have to sacrifice your summer with your kids because she choose to move out of state. She seems like a selfish, self-centered piece of poop! (....I should know, because my stbxh exhibits very similar behavior..he spent the night of our son's birth with his affair partner....and he wasn't around much for our son's first 6 months because he was constantly out fooling around with his affair partner)

grrrrrr...she makes me mad!

I hope she shows some compassion today.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Looked at our mediation agreement and it's not clear who has the final say of exactly when the kids come and go with my ex during the summer. I might have some pull here. But as of now, she still wants to exercise all of the 60 days.
> Unfortunately, I realized that my ex not only wants to have the kids come up to visit right when I'm off for the summer(June 11), but that the kids will miss time with me that weekend (Father's Day June 15). I sent my STBXW an email explaining this and that I and the kids would like one week together before they go up and that if needed they could stay a week longer. I really feel like I earned that day. But I doubt she'll understand.
> The only problem with requesting the week with the kids before going up is that it would mean the kids returning a day or two before school starts if mom uses all 60 days. She hasn't responded, so I'm not sure what her plan is. I strongly believe that she's so co-dependent, so depressed that she must have her kids to make her feel better. How easily she forgets spending almost everyday locked in her room avoiding the kids while she was on her computer and months when she chatted with the OM instead of hanging out with us. Grrr. Sorry. Just venting.
> She could try to make me use my week with the kids during that time which means I wouldn't get to see them in the middle of that long visitation. I just hope she'll understand and that if she spends 53 days with the kids that she could always use that week another time during the year if she likes. I've never kept the kids from her, always let the kids visit during our seperation, I've always been accomodating. Will she return the favor? Looks like I'll find out when she responds today. Today is the day in our agreement that says she must submit her time spent with the kids in the summer, so I don't know if that has to be agreed on by us, or just something that she needs to send me?


Until she hands over DL number and name of her man, kids are going nowhere. Make that clear to her. You are talking to her like it's a done deal. It isn't. Most agreements say Father's Day with dad, Mother's Day with mom. I realize that's hard with her being so far away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Until she hands over DL number and name of her man, kids are going nowhere. Make that clear to her. You are talking to her like it's a done deal. It isn't. Most agreements say Father's Day with dad, Mother's Day with mom. I realize that's hard with her being so far away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First, thank you for y'alls replies and support. (Sorry for the Texas lingo,haha). But I thought that whatever was agreed in mediation means it's pretty set in stone. If I tried to fight the 60 days, a judge would probably rule in her favor and ask why I agreed. In the mediation, it didn't say anything about Mother's Day or Father's Day, but maybe that's what my lawyer needs to write up in the divorce decree. But if I get Father's Day, it might mean me flying up for the weekend or flying them down for just the weekend. Ouch. Looking back on it, I should have held my ground for the 42 days. Still kicking myself.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Until she hands over DL number and name of her man, kids are going nowhere. Make that clear to her. You are talking to her like it's a done deal. It isn't. Most agreements say Father's Day with dad, Mother's Day with mom. I realize that's hard with her being so far away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Quoted for Truth

HoustonDad - please tell us you will remain firm on this.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

houston, as you said in one of your previous posts, that this is going to be a HUGE financial hit for her. i know right now your fretting over not seeing the kids for so much of the summer,but it won't last long as she can't afford it. expect shortly to hear her tring to change things up. do you really think a new om is going to dish out alot of HIS money to supplement kids that aren't his?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I serious doubt she will be able to take the kids for those many days.

they will seriously interfere with her ability to live her single lifestyle that she craves so much.

She's obviously doing this to play act that she actually cares about them. Her actually actions shows that she doesn't. She also no doubt sees this as a way to hurt you.

They'll get there and one week later she'll be dumping on someone else to watch while she goes out with her OM, or possibly others since let's face it she's a cheat. So in time she will be cheating on him too.

So if she does pull stuff like that, or wants to return them but keep the time to use in the future - what's the plan? You should accept them back - but she should loose the time she gives up.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

As for summer visitation she had to send me her dates by today(which she already has). Do I have to respond if I have a different set of dates no later than today also? I have till April 30 to send her when I plan to have the kids for a week in re summer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I hope one day I can look back on this and laugh a little. I need to focus on the positives of summer visitation by myself and not so much the negative.
As for Father's Day, it nor Mother's Day was ever written up in the mediation settlement. So I'm not sure how that'll work out because if I try to have the kids stay through Father's Day weekend, my EX told me the kids would be coming back the day before school starts since she intends to use all 60 days. 
I won't put my kids in that position of returning so late before school starting. So I intend to use part of the week leading up to Father's Day to celebrate with my kids. I've discussed this with her already and it seems like we can be two rational adults and reach an agreement on this.
Besides, I don't need one day of the year to tell me I'm a good Father. EVERY freakin' day with my family is like Father's Day to me because I was always there for my kids when my EX wasn't and was off doing things just for herself in another state. She hasn't said a thing about Mother's Day, and why should she? 
Sorry for the little rant at the end there. Just needed to get that off my chest.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I hope one day I can look back on this and laugh a little. I need to focus on the positives of summer visitation by myself and not so much the negative.
> As for Father's Day, it nor Mother's Day was ever written up in the mediation settlement. So I'm not sure how that'll work out because if I try to have the kids stay through Father's Day weekend, my EX told me the kids would be coming back the day before school starts since she intends to use all 60 days.
> I won't put my kids in that position of returning so late before school starting. So I intend to use part of the week leading up to Father's Day to celebrate with my kids. I've discussed this with her already and it seems like we can be two rational adults and reach an agreement on this.
> Besides, I don't need one day of the year to tell me I'm a good Father. EVERY freakin' day with my family is like Father's Day to me because I was always there for my kids when my EX wasn't and was off doing things just for herself in another state. She hasn't said a thing about Mother's Day, and why should she?
> Sorry for the little rant at the end there. Just needed to get that off my chest.


You refuse to answer - has she provided DL of her man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

This is a tricky one. It was written in the decree that my EX has 3 days prior to notify me if they plan to sleep in the same house as the BF. The problem I'm seeing now is that she may say the kids won't be spending the night until say Week 3 of their stay. How will I know if the kids haven't spent the night already. I am going to call my lawyer about this, because it should be 3 days before going up there if she has a current BF. However, I might be still screwed if she doesn't have a current BF (or so she says) and then it takes away any power I have of keeping the kids with me.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> You refuse to answer - has she provided DL of her man?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To not answer IS to answer.

Dude... GET A GRIP.

These are your children.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> To not answer IS to answer.
> 
> Dude... GET A GRIP.
> 
> These are your children.


I'll update you guys once my lawyer calls me back today. I would much rather have it in writing that if she's in a relationship the days leading up to the kids departure, that she must send me the info.


----------



## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> So much can change over time. You may have to spend one summer like this and mom may decide something else.
> 
> Hang in there...you're doing a great job..very strong.






:iagree:


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I appreciate everyone's encouragement. I keep telling myself that the kids going up to be with their mom for 60 days is the right thing. I did it for the kids because they miss her so much. I know I could have fought for fewer days and won. Receiving encouragement from so many of you helps my confidence. I know it's just a matter of seeing things differently.


----------

