# Self Image/esteem



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

So, ladies, my husband and I used to have a great marriage, but not too long ago, our sex life wasn't good (my other posts have more info). Anyway, the current issue is that even though we are doing better now, I still can't seem to get my self esteem/image back to normal.

I was so hurt and felt so rejected and unattractive that I'm still not really over it. I don't know how to feel good about myself again (sexually at least). Now, I notice every flaw, want to cover up more, etc. when before I was much freer despite my imperfections.

I feel self-conscious, and I don't know how to move past it. Anyone else had similar issues?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

When my marriage was going down hill the second slowed down a lot. I looked through his google search history and I came across... “help, I’m bit longer attracted to my wife.” And that messed me up forever. But the thing is, I knew it wasn’t really a physical thing because I had gotten in better shape then I was before the marriage, and I knew I looked physically better. 
I brought it up to his attention and I don’t disagree with what he said, we were always fighting and arguing and I was no longer the carefree confident women I use to be. Still from that point on I felt physically ugly and self conscious and I don’t think anything would make me feel better Except time, lots of praise, and worshiping my body. I divorced him not to long after finding that.

I’m so sorry your young through this. You need to evolve yourself past him. He’s a loser who doesn’t deserve you.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

So Married said:


> So, ladies, my husband and I used to have a great marriage, but not too long ago, our sex life wasn't good (my other posts have more info). Anyway, the current issue is that even though we are doing better now, I still can't seem to get my self esteem/image back to normal.
> 
> I was so hurt and felt so rejected and unattractive that I'm still not really over it. I don't know how to feel good about myself again (sexually at least). Now, I notice every flaw, want to cover up more, etc. when before I was much freer despite my imperfections.
> 
> I feel self-conscious, and I don't know how to move past it. Anyone else had similar issues?


I am having similar issues with my wife also wanting to cover up. I did not do anything to make her feel this way. What steps did you take to make improvements?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi So Married, I truly empathize with your distress, it's a terrible thing to feel unattractive and self-conscious with your husband. I spent a decade in a sexless marriage, my exH was lazy, dismissive and refused to talk about why he preferred to masturbate than have sex with me. It turned out it had nothing to do with me at all, he was having an affair.

Anyway, unless your husband is a flawless Adonis, he'll have things he's sensitive about too. I'm not saying to go look too closely at his hairline, guy or the swing of uhm, other things  , but it's human to feel lacking if something is missing. It's funny how when you feel down about you, other people home into that and get nitpicky, so time to start focusing on what's great about you.

I decided to accept how I am now, and highlight the good, while I work towards a better me. Some things you can do to help boost self-love:
1. make the most of your positives - got mile-long legs? Show a little! Find something you love about yourself and appreciate it
2. don't overthink in the moment - banish any negative thoughts as they pop up
3. faking it until you make it with props - nice hair, a little makeup, a pretty outfit, lingerie, some lovely perfume, just something that makes you feel good and smile.

I know your situation is quite different, but have you spoken to him? Maybe you're a little bit sensitive to unintended criticism. If he's being an asshole and comparing you unfavorably to other women (porn?), then you have other things to think about and the longer you put up with crap, the worse you'll feel.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

You didn't ask for ideas of how to potentially move past it, yet here goes.

My take on moments like this, including when I get stuck in my own head, is a self-acknowledgement that I'm kinda out of balance with my priorities. I'm aware this might be a broader perspective than what you might want for the thread, still it's like a signal to myself to basically 'get over myself' and think more about others. What I mean is, for me at least, to focus on what I can give and how I might divert energy towards something more rewarding. In a way, to reprioritise and nurture the soul.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also, while I do like to 'put myself together' in terms of makeup and such, there's also this underlying sentiment that I grew up with... which might sound strange in type, yet it stems from childhood with my mother basically telling me that nobody was looking at me - haha I need to explain this, as it wasn't to say I was irrelevant - what she was trying to instill was not to focus too much on appearance and vanity; and more about what you can give and who you are as a person. Also, that people have their own stuff going on, so people care less about what you look like than what one might actually think. So that was her take which transfused to me to a degree. Then my brother, who is older, when I was having an 18yo moment about 'what I looked like' basically said, 'Who cares! Don't worry about that crap.'

It's not that I don't care about my appearance, as I certainly do to an extent, as do most of us; it's just kind of underpinned with this sentiment that my appearance did not hold that much importance as the focus was on other aspects. While most of us want to feel desired by our husbands, being in your own head too much can distract from what you can give - and experience - together. And although physical and sexual / sensual attraction is important, that's not the whole sum of desire.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I love women that are uninhibited in these areas....Confidence here is a huge plus...But I do understand how it must be extremely hard....

Let's face it...especially now more than ever....You can't turn on a TV, watch a commercial, log onto practically any site on the internet without seeing some woman with a ridiculously hot body.,,,Even news and traffic and weather women look like they are ready to hit a stripper pole after their shift..The men on the other hand are nothing of the same...Just average shlubs...

It's great for those of us that love to view them, but as a woman, I can't imagine how hard it must be to have that "standard" being shoved down your throat at each turn...While I am understanding of it, its not appealing to have a woman wear clothes and/or have a room so dark you need a bloodhound to find her during sex....Or even the types that if you inadvertently walk in on them while they are changing they cover up as if you are some stranger on the street.....that's nuts...but its pretty common...

I always believed that's a good reason why you see a lot of decent looking women with nice bodies with guys that are frumpy and dumpy...That levels the field for them and takes away that anxiety over body image...

Work with what you have.,,,,Even though it's probably in your head, most guys aren't as picky as the world would make you believe...


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Forget about him for a second. What makes you feel sexy? Nice lingerie? Thigh high stockings? A new hair cut? Waxing? Do whatever it is for yourself. Get your mojo back by being nice to yourself & doing what you gotta do for you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't remember your posts. What makes you insecure and feel rejected?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I think a lot of this sort of thing comes from a desire to find a cause for the things that happen to us in relationships. A husband neglecting sex with his wife could have a thousand causes, none of which are her body, probably none of them are her in any way. I’ve read some of your other posts and commented on them - you obviously love him and want things to be better, you want regular, physical intimacy and his reasons for this lack of intimacy don’t seem authentic (not to me anyway).

Environments like that would make a lot of people look for an easy answer but be careful the answer you arrive at isn’t to your detriment. It’s too damn easy to see yourself as the cause, to see no movement on your spouse’s part, then conclude you haven't done enough. That’s a dead end as you’ll always be working to make improvements that will never result in change, driving you farther into the dirt.

You should go out and do some of the things you love to do, put yourself in a better frame of mind. Get comfortable with yourself, see the whole person. Self-esteem is as much about attitude and outlook. It's easy to reduce yourself to the myriad of tiny flaws that we all have and absolutely nobody else notices - don't do that.

_Apologies for chiming in when you asked the ladies_


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I divorced him not to long after finding that.


I'm sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

He hasn't said anything like that. In fact, he swears the opposite, but I guess it is my fear.



hamadryad said:


> Even though it's probably in your head, most guys aren't as picky as the world would make you believe...


That's what I always thought before, and I was quite comfortable, flaws and all. Thank you for the nice post.



D0nnivain said:


> Get your mojo back by being nice to yourself & doing what you gotta do for you.


I'm trying. Might need to step this up a bit. Thanks!



heartsbeating said:


> You didn't ask for ideas of how to potentially move past it, yet here goes.


Anything people share, I appreciate.



heartsbeating said:


> And although physical and sexual / sensual attraction is important, that's not the whole sum of desire.


Well said. Absolutely. Just tell my confidence that, lol.



TXTrini said:


> f he's being an asshole and comparing you unfavorably to other women (porn?), then you have other things to think about and the longer you put up with crap, the worse you'll feel.


This had been an issue before. He swears he hasn't used it since I told him to choose between porn and me. He seemed sincere. Then later, we weren't having sex much there for a while. We seem to be much better there, but the rejection at the time made me feel low. I should feel sexier than ever right now, having lost weight and being healthier than I have in some time, but I don't.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> _Apologies for chiming in when you asked the ladies_


Not at all, thank you so much for words of wisdom. You have been very helpful since I joined.



FlaviusMaximus said:


> his reasons for this lack of intimacy don’t seem authentic (not to me anyway).


Can you elaborate on this part, please?



pastasauce79 said:


> What makes you insecure and feel rejected?


My husband and I went through a "dry spell" I guess. We weren't having much sex. That's better now, but my esteem isn't.

*Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate each one.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> Can you elaborate on this part, please?


If I remember correctly, you had mentioned him being upset at some miscommunication about talking to his buddy about your situation or something? That this was the rationale for his “distancing.” That didn’t seem (to me anyway) a plausible rationale for his lack of intimacy. When I read it, it seemed like an excuse so that he didn’t have to talk about the real issues (whatever those might be).


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

@hamadryad your post hit the mark. It could be a whole thread of its own. I never felt like he really compared me to all that before, until he got into porn (which he stopped now). Being compared to people you cannot compete with is crushing. He never voiced that, but even if it was only subconsciously, it sucks. I do know that I'm attractive, but I can never be 20 again, you know? Got to get out of my head and let that sh!t go. Work in progress.

So update for all of you who were kind enough to respond: He has been very sweet and affectionate and the sex has been hot too. He noticed my self-consciousness though. Recently, I kept my camisole on while we messing around, but he took it off and said, "Let me see all of you. I love all of you."

I need an emoji for "I melted."

This is how we used to be. I think my man is back or at least on the way, lol. Now, to get be me back too.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think porn damages a man's brain. I really do believe that. I think this damage is going to take hubby a year or two to heal from. I think it rewires a man a bit so that everything sexy has to be visually stimulating while the other senses are forgotten/ignored. With time the other senses will come back.

All that said, hubby is the one who damaged himself. You're the same woman he desired so much that he married you. Even with some years/pounds/wrinkles added- you're still exactly the same lady. In fact, he should find you even more exciting from the fact that you are a mature woman now and you've been through countless good and bad times together. My love for my wife has grown when I think of how much she's always been there for me and suffered the difficulties of life with me- watched our children be born, grow, and become adults... all these things are incredibly sexy to a man- unless said man has been damaging his brain and sexuality with porn. Frankly, learning self control from porn will also grow his esteem for you. A man who doesn't use porn will appreciate a wife and her gifts- _fully_. She won't just be another option for sex- she'll literally _be_ sex and everything else that provides comfort to a man.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

So Married said:


> So update for all of you who were kind enough to respond: He has been very sweet and affectionate and the sex has been hot too. He noticed my self-consciousness though. Recently, I kept my camisole on while we messing around, but he took it off and said, "Let me see all of you. I love all of you."


Good move on his part. Hope things are back on track for you!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Good move on his part. Hope things are back on track for you!


Yes, I needed that!

Thank you. Things have been a _*lot*_ better (and not just sex). We have been talking a lot, getting closer again, and just being happier over all (I just have to shake this confidence thing, but I'll get there).


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I agree with you @CatholicDad. Good post.



CatholicDad said:


> She won't just be another option for sex- she'll literally _be_ sex and everything else that provides comfort to a man.


I love that. Thank you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Literally, if you weren't married and were single, I'd say go out with other guys, which would reinforce that you are attractive to most. But you're married, so I'm saying you need to spend more time with other people who value you, such as friends and family, so you remember who you are and aren't buying into his estimation of you at whatever point he made you feel bad. 

Also, you may need to see a counselor, because who you are isn't what your husband thinks of you. If he has devalued you some way, that's his problem, not yours. But you go spend time with people who really value you and remember who you are hasn't changed and is just fine. You just have to think more of yourself than what a man values, which is usually firstly sexual for them. That shouldn't count for more than a tenth of who you are as a good person. 

Think of time before him and examine if your thinking shifted because of his influence on you. Did you feel this way before him? If so, again, a counselor to build up your core so one person or circumstance can't tear it down. If not, this is some aspect of toxicity between you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you get to a certain age, ah yes, older...


You soon will realize being alive and healthy trumps everything else. 

Beauty is fleeting, so is this life we are blessed with!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> because who you are isn't what your husband thinks of you.


Right. I really can't just blame him. There's been a lot going on. It's been a rough several months overall. 

I appreciate the advice and definitely need more "me time." My creative outlet is lacking as well, which has to change.

I have to get out of my head and pull it together.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> When you get to a certain age, ah yes, older...
> 
> 
> You soon will realize being alive and healthy trumps everything else.
> ...


So true.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So Married said:


> Right. I really can't just blame him. There's been a lot going on. It's been a rough several months overall.
> 
> I appreciate the advice and definitely need more "me time." My creative outlet is lacking as well, which has to change.
> 
> I have to get out of my head and pull it together.


Yes, get out of your head and just get busy doing things that make you feel good and seeing people who make you feel good, and then look at it with a restored perspective.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Should probably clarify a bit, it's more about my self-confidence as far as feeling sexy goes, not so much my esteem as a person altogether. But, yeah, the above is still good advice. Thanks.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So Married said:


> Should probably clarify a bit, it's more about my self-confidence as far as feeling sexy goes, not so much my esteem as a person altogether. But, yeah, the above is still good advice. Thanks.


Right. Again, it's because of that because you probably know that's what your husband most values. So again, that's his problem, not yours. If he only notices that and appreciates that more than all the rest of you, that's still on him. Another man would still be interested in you and probably make you feel more confident sexually at least, but finding one who is really fascinated with you as a person, respects your opinions, and appreciates all you do and have accomplished is the rare gem.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

In all fairness, he isn't like that. He loves the whole package.

I felt compared to others that I cannot compete with due to him using porn (he never said anything like that). Then, we had a dry spell. I felt rejected and un-sexy. Stuff like that hurts and is hard to get over.

He stopped the porn, and we are having regular and good sex again. I just need to get back to feeling like my sexy self (need to work on me for my own sake).

We have had a lot going on (and going wrong) over the past several months. I'm confident that we will work it all out in time.


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