# Is my husband answering me by his actions?



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

Hello. Can I please get a couple opinions on what my husbands behavior means? Let me preface this by saying that we have both hurt each other in the past, so trust, though dealt with as best as possible, I feel is probably an invisible undercurrent that is always there. So, here is the problem. He is a wonderful man, treats me nice, wonderful father and provider. The problem is I need more "oneness" more "closeness" than I'm getting from him. He goes about "his" life and seems to always be happy. My problem is, I'm not included in his life. No matter how many times we have talked (and its been many) and I've told him how I feel, nothing seems to change. He stays the same no matter what, carrying on with "his" life. When he gets off of work, he is busy outside until dark. Doing things sometimes that we could do together but he does it all by himself. He always takes the time to sit down and listen to me when I ask him if we can "talk" but it is "always" me initiating the talk. I suspect he subconsciously, or maybe consciously, won't let himself get close again because of the past. So I guess my actual question is, if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

mem4625 said:


> if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.



I don't think that's the message.

I'm a very independent person. I like my alone time. I like listening to music, playing my guitar, working out, etc., all by myself. I still desire to feel close to my SO; but my idea of close doesn't entail being around her X number of hours a day. 

I suppose I may bring this attitude towards relationships because of my father; he spent months overseas, away from my mother, at times. He built an office, complete with a workout facility, on our property about an acre behind our house and spent hours there. 

My parents are still married after 30 years. They seem very happy together.

Some people are more independent. It's not a message, IMO.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with Dean completely, he probably wants some space.

Enjoy yourself for a while and focus your energies on something constructive with friends (or make new friends).

Give this some time to fix itself. He might just open up and start talking to you again before too long.

If not you'll have found something fun to do with your time rather than be frustrated with the lack of change between you two.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies. So even though he may not be trying to purposely send me a message, by default that IS what he is telling me. I agree with your suggestions and sadly that is my plan, though I'm afraid we will grow even further apart. I just don't understand men and why they don't want to be close. The closeness I'm talking about can only come from your spouse. Thanks.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

mem4625 said:


> Thank you all for your replies. So even though he may not be trying to purposely send me a message, by default that IS what he is telling me. I agree with your suggestions and sadly that is my plan, though I'm afraid we will grow even further apart. I just don't understand men and why they don't want to be close. The closeness I'm talking about can only come from your spouse. Thanks.


Unfortunately it's not just men who have a monopoly on not wanting to be close. Sometimes it's the man who wants to be closer to a wife who wants more space. 

Now I don't mean to cause you unnecessary alarm, but is there a chance he's being unfaithful to you?


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

Life has taught me there is always that chance, but no, I don't think so. Can you tell me why would a man not ask what is wrong or try to make things better when clearly, his wife is unhappy and pulling away? Because he doesn't care?


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I suspect his resentment is very deeply embedded into him, and now while he is respectful he might be emotionally divorced from you.

Again just a theory, but he may just be going on with his life.

He may feel that working things out with you may be: pointless, too painful, and/or not worth the effort. It could be many many other things too.

Unfortunately w/o more to go on it's hard to say.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Maybe he thinks you are not going to change your behavior.
> He knows you. Your not going to do what we are suggesting.
> 
> By doing what we are suggesting, you will pull away from him and get stronger. He most likely will notice.




So.....he wants me to move further away from him which will make me stronger (without him) THEN he will want to be close to me? The thing is, if I get stronger in myself, without him, I'm afraid I won't want to be close to him. I want him and I to be stronger! I do think I get your point though. We ALL need to be as strong as possible in ourselves to have the best relationship possible, but am I wrong for wanting that "soul mate" feeling? Thanks


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> I suspect his resentment is very deeply embedded into him, and now while he is respectful he might be emotionally divorced from you.
> 
> Again just a theory, but he may just be going on with his life.
> 
> ...


Your words are exactly what I fear. Do you think its harder for a man than a woman, to see where that behavior ultimately ends up? You drift further and further apart until one of you is so vulnerable you fall. I think thats what I'm trying to figure out. Does he just not care if that happens and doesn't believe it can happen? Do you think men are kind of blinded to what distance does to a woman? Thanks for you input.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Your not wrong but you are not strong either.
> 
> You are also over thinking this whole reaction thing.
> 
> ...


Can I ask you something Dean? What exactly makes you say that I am not strong? I agree with what you have said but since you don't know me, what have I said that tells you that I'm not strong? Do all men perceive wanting to be close to their husband as being weak?


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Unfortunately there's no universal answer to any of your questions.

I will say though that I agree with Dean that you need to get a bit more focus on developing a life/friendships for yourself. He probably feels that you are being clingy, and you trying to be more "clingy" (close) will only drive him further away.

I will say that men are every bit as capable of working through resentment as women. Though the speed at which that happens (or if it will ever happen), is completely up to the individual.

I tend to be a person who is eager to forgive. So for me resentment melts away faster than for some. For some other (male) friends of mine... well resentment is like this black cloud that will hang over everything in their life. It just depends on the individual.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I just don't think it's anything beyond the fact that he's just more independent-minded than you. 

Let's say he *literally* wanted to be next to you every minute of every day. Literally. He wanted to be with you when you went to the bathroom, when you sit by yourself to read a book, when you go out with your friends to have a drink, etc. 

I can't imagine you'd be comfortable with this. No one would be.

And he said "I just don't understand why you don't need to be close to me!" 

You'd think to yourself: "I don't need you around me literally EVERY minute of EVERY day to feel close!" 

That's how he feels. He doesn't need to spend X amount of hours around you a day to feel close. He loves you and feels close to you if he's with you only Y hours a day.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> In your example: If I did that to my wife, she would do nothing for me.
> 
> No talking to me, no watching TV with me, No cooking for me, wouldn't be in same room,
> no doing my clothes. I would get the cold shoulder from her.
> ...


Dean, I appreciate your input, (everyone's input) and I am going to take you all's advice and start doing things with friends. Your reaction to your wife Dean, is exactly what I would expect. Believe it or not, I don't smother my husband. I say very little to him. Ask very little of him. It's like I have tried both ways and no matter what he stays on his road doing his own thing. I think if I did everything you mentioned your wife would do, I still would not get a reaction out of him. He might ask what's wrong but regardless of my answer he would turn and get right back on his road. Either way, I thank you all for your input because you have convinced me what I already knew I have to do.......you just really clarified things for me. Now I just have to figure out what I want to do Thanks!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mem4625 said:


> if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.


Yes, he is sending you a message but you are probably not translating it correctly. His message is that he feels unable to honor your request. For whatever reason. Do you two go out on dates together? I bet you did before you were married. If there have been some bumps that is all the more reason you should be dating each other now. At least once a month, preferably once a week. This should get you some quality time along with some fun and entertainment. Maybe you could develop a passionate interest in professional sports?


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Is your husband the product of a broken family? If so, perhaps he has lived his life prior to marrying you being alone with no real family experience to learn from. A guy growing up without a father present in his life will often seclude himself from others unless he is asked to do some particular task.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In some ways he seems to be doing what folks on here would advise if he was not getting what he needed from you. Kind of a 180. Was he a doormat before? Do you put out? Have you always in the past?


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yes, he is sending you a message but you are probably not translating it correctly. His message is that he feels unable to honor your request. For whatever reason. Do you two go out on dates together? I bet you did before you were married. If there have been some bumps that is all the more reason you should be dating each other now. At least once a month, preferably once a week. This should get you some quality time along with some fun and entertainment. Maybe you could develop a passionate interest in professional sports?


You say his message is that he feels unable to honor my request.....I can agree with that. Ok, so why doesn't he just say that instead of not saying anything? Why doesn't he want to figure out "why" he isn't able to honor it? And I definitely agree with the date idea but it would have to be me initiating again. And I'm sure he would go though. Its just that that is the very type of thing I am wanting him to initiate because that would say to me that HE wants to spend time with me. 
And yes, he did come from a very broken, dysfunctional family. Which leads to the other question....was he a door matt before? Yes he use to be...... but he definitely isn't now though. And the last question....do I put out? I will whenever asked....but I must admit, I don't initiate.
After re-reading all the reply posts to my question, I can see that the problem more than likely is me and that I need to pursue my own interests and back off from him. So I am going to talk to him tonight and explain what I'm doing so he doesn't think I am just trying to avoid him. Hopefully things will get better. Thanks everyone.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mem4625 said:


> You say his message is that he feels unable to honor my request.....I can agree with that. Ok, so why doesn't he just say that instead of not saying anything? Why doesn't he want to figure out "why" he isn't able to honor it? And I definitely agree with the date idea but it would have to be me initiating again. And I'm sure he would go though. Its just that that is the very type of thing I am wanting him to initiate because that would say to me that HE wants to spend time with me.
> And yes, he did come from a very broken, dysfunctional family. Which leads to the other question....was he a door matt before? Yes he use to be...... but he definitely isn't now though. And the last question....do I put out? I will whenever asked....but I must admit, I don't initiate.
> After re-reading all the reply posts to my question, I can see that the problem more than likely is me and that I need to pursue my own interests and back off from him. So I am going to talk to him tonight and explain what I'm doing so he doesn't think I am just trying to avoid him. Hopefully things will get better. Thanks everyone.


Many men's communications style can leave a lot to be desired by most women. Consider proposing that half the time he does his own thing and the other half he does couple stuff. Tell him you expect him to make arrangements and take you out as part of the couple time. Find your own interests and do your own thing during the half where he does his. Obviously intimacy is a couple event


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

mem4625 said:


> Hello. Can I please get a couple opinions on what my husbands behavior means? Let me preface this by saying that we have both hurt each other in the past, so trust, though dealt with as best as possible, I feel is probably an invisible undercurrent that is always there. So, here is the problem. He is a wonderful man, treats me nice, wonderful father and provider. The problem is I need more "oneness" more "closeness" than I'm getting from him. He goes about "his" life and seems to always be happy. My problem is, I'm not included in his life. No matter how many times we have talked (and its been many) and I've told him how I feel, nothing seems to change. He stays the same no matter what, carrying on with "his" life. When he gets off of work, he is busy outside until dark. Doing things sometimes that we could do together but he does it all by himself. He always takes the time to sit down and listen to me when I ask him if we can "talk" but it is "always" me initiating the talk. I suspect he subconsciously, or maybe consciously, won't let himself get close again because of the past. So I guess my actual question is, if he knows I want to spend more time with him, that I want to be closer, but no matter what, he never has time for me, he is sending me a silent message.....right? For whatever his reason is, he simply does not want to be closer to me.....right? Thanks for any opinions I get.


I could have thought my wife wrote this post - just some details are different!

She feels the same about me. The answer is quite simple: yes, I don't get too close because I don't think I can fully trust her she won't hurt me again.

If you hurt him plenty in the past, especially if you were attacking his personality, family etc, he might feel he can't trust you and really share with you. By me, if I share too much, the next time my wife would get upset she would use it as ammunition against me. For example, if I tell her some of my past and how my father did something wrong, the next time would be "and you are exactly like your father blah blah blah".

Do you do the same?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mem4625 said:


> Thank you all for your replies. So even though he may not be trying to purposely send me a message, by default that IS what he is telling me. I agree with your suggestions and sadly that is my plan, though I'm afraid we will grow even further apart. I just don't understand men and why they don't want to be close. The closeness I'm talking about can only come from your spouse. Thanks.


Let me put it this way.

You get your ass handed to you often enough, you grow to distrust "closeness" and "vulnerability".

It's extraordinarily difficult for people to change. And... once you've made the necessary changes to protect yourself from put downs and bratty entitled behavior, opening up again take real work.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> I could have thought my wife wrote this post - just some details are different!
> 
> She feels the same about me. The answer is quite simple: yes, I don't get too close because I don't think I can fully trust her she won't hurt me again.
> 
> ...


Do I do the same? I don't think I do that but I would love to know how my husband would answer that. Maybe I will ask him. 

You say that you won't get too close again because you can't trust that she won't hurt you again. So have you just accepted that this is how the rest of your marriage will be or are you trying to "fix" things to make it better? Just curious how you see your marriage.

I gave my husband a letter I had written last thursday, (I do better if I can put my thoughts on paper) and told him we can talk later if he wants. It simply said that I am starting to see that our problems are more than likely me and something I'm doing that keeps him from wanting to be close. Since it seems that he is ok with the distance between us and I am not, that the problem is mine. So I'm going to try to be more independent and start doing things on my own or with some girlfriends and that I might have to stay away from home and him a little bit because this is going to be hard for me to do since I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and I am sure I am going to want to lean on him for support. My point was just that I'm not angry about anything just that I recognize the problem is mine and I'm trying to do something about it. Anyway, that was last thursday and on Friday during a car drive to another town, I said, "I take it that you don't want to talk about that letter I gave you?". He said, "yes I do". And that was it.....he said no more and hasn't said anymore, though he had a perfect opportunity during the hour drive with just the two of us in the car. So what does that mean?? Obviously one thing it means is that he doesn't want to talk about us.


----------



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

"So.....he wants me to move further away from him which will make me stronger (without him) THEN he will want to be close to me? The thing is, if I get stronger in myself, without him, I'm afraid I won't want to be close to him. I want him and I to be stronger! I do think I get your point though. We ALL need to be as strong as possible in ourselves to have the best relationship possible, but am I wrong for wanting that "soul mate" feeling? Thanks"

This is exactly what happened to me. For years I was trying to be closer to DH, and then on the advice of many,I did just what is stated above, my own hobbies, friends, etc. Now I am posting here on this site because I no longer am attracted to, or in love with my husband.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> "So.....he wants me to move further away from him which will make me stronger (without him) THEN he will want to be close to me? The thing is, if I get stronger in myself, without him, I'm afraid I won't want to be close to him. I want him and I to be stronger! I do think I get your point though. We ALL need to be as strong as possible in ourselves to have the best relationship possible, but am I wrong for wanting that "soul mate" feeling? Thanks"
> 
> This is exactly what happened to me. For years I was trying to be closer to DH, and then on the advice of many,I did just what is stated above, my own hobbies, friends, etc. Now I am posting here on this site because I no longer am attracted to, or in love with my husband.


But are you happier now then you were then? Does your husband seem to be content? Does he even notice? I think I am willing to stay married as is, if I can become independent and happy married but alone. Like I said my husband is a very good man.....just doesn't seem to want me.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

In my relationship, I'm the one that "needs my space". He's usually the one that initiates conversation or comes to find me and spend time with me.

But, BELIEVE ME when I tell you, I love him dearly and am not trying to send him a message. As one poster wrote: it's just the way he's wired.

As long as the time you DO spend together is quality time (not arguing, pouting, etc.), then it really is good.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

Peachy Cat said:


> In my relationship, I'm the one that "needs my space". He's usually the one that initiates conversation or comes to find me and spend time with me.
> 
> But, BELIEVE ME when I tell you, I love him dearly and am not trying to send him a message. As one poster wrote: it's just the way he's wired.
> 
> As long as the time you DO spend together is quality time (not arguing, pouting, etc.), then it really is good.


So what would you do if he got tired of always being the one to have to come to you to initiate conversation or him having to be the one to come to you to spend time together? Would you then come to him or would you still be content not talking or spending any time together? 

I hear you when you say that you dearly love him.....but are you maybe being a little self-centered by you never initiating conversation or spending time with him? Please forgive me if I sound harsh because I don't mean to be....I'm trying to play the devil's advocate for the sake of understanding things. 

And I agree.....that if the time you do spend together is quality time....that would help. And that would be nice if I was getting that.....but I'm not. Thanks for your reply.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think it does go both ways. Out of the two of us, I'm more likely to be content in my own company, playing guitar or something. While he enjoys hearing me play, it's also really a solitary experience for me. 

He admits he's more needy for my time that I of his ...and it's something I am aware of. Don't get me wrong, he's not neglected or anything, we spend a lot of time together but there will be moments where he might nudge me out of that 'solitary zone' when it starts creeping in. It's not my way of sending him a message or anything sinister when I do get that way. I like to be creative and am more inclined to have a tendency to be alone. I've reassured him it's just a personality trait... and I'm also aware of coming out of that zone and including him too. 

He's actually one of few people I love to be around consistently because I enjoy his company so much. Yet I still need that time to listen to music or play guitar or whatever it is. I have that need for myself and I try to be aware of his needs too. We talked about it once in detail and I became acutely aware of his need for inclusion. So as the one with the more 'loner' tendency (for lack of better word), I do feel it's partly my responsibility to ensure I don't lose sight of his needs either.

Okay, now, saying that ...when we met I had a lot of interests and a highly independent attitude. It was part of the attraction for him. He has said himself that while he wants me to be engaged with him in things, he also loves when I have my own interests. It's almost like the traits that he was attracted to, became a double-edged sword. And his needs changed along the way too, with age and maturity. So when I realized this, I was aware of the changes I needed to make. We do both want to be around each other and we are both interested in one another.

As far as having your own interests, I know he finds me more interesting when I follow my passions and become involved with life and various experiences. Your train of thought of what if you get "out there" and find you no longer need your husband - then it would make me wonder why you need him now? My husband's view of me was if he held on too tightly, I'd resist and struggle from that. If he let me free to be myself (obviously with respect for the relationship) and was with him, that was the delicate balance he wanted to have with me. He would rather I be all that I can be for myself, regardless whether that meant with him or not. The balance lies in being all that I can be for myself and still be with him. And obviously vice verse too!

Just as he finds it attractive when I "do stuff", I find it attractive that he encourages and supports me to "do stuff" too. 

I hope some of this makes sense and gives you something, not sure what, to think about? How did you feel reading the thread in the Ladies Lounge that you posted about hobbies?


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I think it does go both ways. Out of the two of us, I'm more likely to be content in my own company, playing guitar or something. While he enjoys hearing me play, it's also really a solitary experience for me.
> 
> He admits he's more needy for my time that I of his ...and it's something I am aware of. Don't get me wrong, he's not neglected or anything, we spend a lot of time together but there will be moments where he might nudge me out of that 'solitary zone' when it starts creeping in. It's not my way of sending him a message or anything sinister when I do get that way. I like to be creative and am more inclined to have a tendency to be alone. I've reassured him it's just a personality trait... and I'm also aware of coming out of that zone and including him too.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. How do I feel after reading the ladies posts? Got some really good ideas from them that I'm trying to use in my own life now.

After reading your post and actually everyone's posts, I'm starting to realize that my problem is coming from me being insecure about whether or not my husband actually loves me or not. That is the root of my whole problem. Not sure what to do about that but it makes me understand things better now. 
Thanks again for everyone's replies.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mem4625 said:


> I'm starting to realize that my problem is coming from me being insecure about whether or not my husband actually loves me or not. That is the root of my whole problem. Not sure what to do about that but it makes me understand things better now.


If you are still looking for advice, my first suggestion would be to make sure you are not holding on to any personal perception of yourself as being unlovable or undeserving of love. Next, you would want to make sure your husband understands your need for affirmation


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

mem4625 said:


> Do I do the same? I don't think I do that but I would love to know how my husband would answer that. Maybe I will ask him.
> 
> You say that you won't get too close again because you can't trust that she won't hurt you again. So have you just accepted that this is how the rest of your marriage will be or are you trying to "fix" things to make it better? Just curious how you see your marriage.
> 
> I gave my husband a letter I had written last thursday, (I do better if I can put my thoughts on paper) and told him we can talk later if he wants. It simply said that I am starting to see that our problems are more than likely me and something I'm doing that keeps him from wanting to be close. Since it seems that he is ok with the distance between us and I am not, that the problem is mine. So I'm going to try to be more independent and start doing things on my own or with some girlfriends and that I might have to stay away from home and him a little bit because this is going to be hard for me to do since I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and I am sure I am going to want to lean on him for support. My point was just that I'm not angry about anything just that I recognize the problem is mine and I'm trying to do something about it. Anyway, that was last thursday and on Friday during a car drive to another town, I said, "I take it that you don't want to talk about that letter I gave you?". He said, "yes I do". And that was it.....he said no more and hasn't said anymore, though he had a perfect opportunity during the hour drive with just the two of us in the car. So what does that mean?? Obviously one thing it means is that he doesn't want to talk about us.


Just seeing this.

Well, your husband sound like a nice guy. Won't get too complicated here, but try to read the book the surrendered wife and see if you fit the describton. If yes - you found the issue right there. 

As per your questions to me, no - I would like not to accept it for the rest of my life, but no one can do anything about it but my wife. I cannot change her, nor is it my task. If she wants, she would work on herself not to hurt me again. When I see it happening I'd be more than happy to get so close and really share with her.

If you are where my wife is, just know that the ball is only in your field right now.


----------



## mem4625 (Mar 2, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Just seeing this.
> 
> Well, your husband sound like a nice guy. Won't get too complicated here, but try to read the book the surrendered wife and see if you fit the describton. If yes - you found the issue right there.
> 
> ...


To anyone still interested, my husband and I did spend about an hour talking a few days ago. I will update soon on that.

JoshBJoshB, Thank you for suggesting the book. I am always willing to read anything that might help. And by the way, I just spent the last hour reading your past posts and I know you don't want sympathy but my heart goes out to you because you are in a tuff position. I admire your conviction to stick to it to the end. You mentioned how things got better when you stopped being mr. nice guy. Maybe deep down, this is what your wife was needing to see in you? I have a feeling your wife NEEDS your strength and leadership though it sounds like at times she might rebel against it. For yourself, I think you are on the right track......almost like you have to really define the boundaries for your wife on what you will tolerate and what you will not. No one however, can make her happy but herself. You remind me of my husband in the sense that you seem to be a very happy, carefree, approachable man that probably "knows" someone wherever he goes. I wish you well and if I can ever help you with a wifes' perspective feel free to ask.


----------

