# Need other people's opinion about what kind of marriage is worth working on



## Sunnydays (Jul 26, 2011)

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm a new member and this is my first post.


I've been married with my husband for the last 4years, we got married after knowing each other for few months. Been through marriage counselings in the past but currently not seeing any therapist. In the past we've been through a really rough patch where I emotionally cheated on my husband. My husband was so wonderful that we were able to put that past us and moved on and since then no infidelity. But we often have fights, which I believe is a normal behavior for couples. Everybody is different and when two get together there will always be disagreements and arguments.


My marriage is not in any disaster compared to those who are mentally stressed from their husband/wife being physically/mentally abusive. I'm not suffering from any major problem. But as my marriage go through series of fights and realizing some of the difference in our values, I'm beginning to question if my marriage is worth working on or if I should just move on before one of us just get "stuck" to the marriage.


I've noticed that when I get into arguments sometimes it happens because I'm sensitive to words that are being used and I feel as though I am personally being attacked. Then I start talking to my husband with bad attitude which starts an argument. I know that when I get upset I say things that sounds mean, but I am capable of preventing myself from saying things that are out of line. I don't start out with any cursing or say inappropriate things. However, I might say things like "you're being immature/selfish" when I don't know what to say while my husband imitate/mock or insult me in a childish manner.


My husband has this bad habit (in my opinion) of getting himself involved in stupid fights with other people. He likes to play computer games and there are many people on internet that likes to provoke others. And my husband likes to put his two cents into these fools that are not even worth talking to. I get really upset when he HAS to talk to these fools provoking people for fun and he gets really excited and start typing really aggressively and avoid anything around him. When I try to talk to him he completely ignores me (in his opinion, he just doesn't hear me) and get's annoyed if I try to make him pay attention to me. 

From this behavior I realized that that's one of the reason why he likes to keep arguing with me even though he could have some fault for any arguments. He also have to be the last one to say something. 


Another time he does things that I just cannot believe... One day when we were out got into a fight, got back to the car and he wanted to sit at the parking spot to try to talk it out. I was in no mood to talk and just wanted to go home so I can have some space. He didn't want to go though the whole not talking to each other for the rest of the night and wanted to get it over with so he locked us in the car. I've kept telling him that not giving me space and forcing me to try to talk to him when I'm upset is not doing any good. He finally got tired of hearing me complain and started the car. He was so upset and drove very aggressively. I've told him I wanted to get out and rather walk home if he was going to keep driving recklessly. He said no and "I don't care, you made me get pissed off" as if I am to blame for his reckless driving. I was holding on to my seat and anything I can grab on...I was so scared, he wouldn't stop at all, kept speeding up really fast and make harsh turns. 


I was so disgusted by his behavior. He didn't care that I was scared for my life.

It seems like once he gets to a certain point of anger he can get really nasty. He doesn't hesitate at all to bad mouth me even though I am the person he loves and cares about. He talks to me like I'm worthless to him. I came to think that he treats me like he treats his mother.


He had a pretty rough childhood. His mother has bipolar disorder, very bad attitude. From what my husband told me she used to physically/verbally abuse my husband. I'm not sure how abusive she was.


What happened to him is horrible but I'm starting to think he might have some similarity. When he get's upset, he easily curse me out and when he gets even more upset he shouts/yell really loud as if to scare me and his behavior get's really crazy. 

The other day we got into argument and I said something that irritated him, as I was in the bathroom to pee he came hunting down and opened the door while I was trying to do my business and started shouting/yelling at me. My pants were down and everything while sitting on the toilet....how embarrassing...he was holding to the door knob so tight I tried to take his hands off so I can close it but he's too strong for me. When I pushed him to let go of the handle he said with such anger and threat to me "do not F*** touch me!!!!"


So here I am wondering with certain things that I just cannot let go, if this marriage is worth holding onto. I don't think I can go on with someone that can potentially hurt me or even just verbally abusive me with no feeling. I've asked him to be more compassionate and he doesn't want to. What do I do?


again thank you for reading such long thread
Any advice is appreciated


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeowch!

You are married to an abuser. Idk know if BPD is hereditary but you said his mom has it so maybe he does too?

The only way this will get better is if he sees what he is doing is wrong and decides to get help and commits to stopping this behavior.

Locking you in the car, yelling obscenities at you, treating you with contempt, driving aggressively while you're scared out of your mind = not cool. 

Listen to your gut. You are only 4 years in. It will get worse, promsie you, if he doesn't stop doing this.

You can sit him down and tell you how he feels and tell him you're not doing this w/ him anymore, that you will not tolerate his bad behavior. Set a boundary. And stick to it. If you waffle, he will see you don't mean what you say and he can keep treating you like this.

I thought your comment here was very telling:

_It seems like once he gets to a certain point of anger he can get really nasty. He doesn't hesitate at all to bad mouth me even though I am the person he loves and cares about. He talks to me like I'm worthless to him. I came to think that* he treats me like he treats his mother*._

Was he always like this?

Get the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?" You can get it at your local library or a bookstore. It has a weath of information on abusive men.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sunnydays said:


> I'm beginning to question if my marriage is worth working on or if I should just move on before one of us just get "stuck" to the marriage.


Everybody gets "stuck" at one time or another in their marriage. The trick is to catch the problems in time, address them (preferably in MC), and also consider IC if one or both of you have issues from the past you have brought into the marriage.

If you leave a troubled marriage because you fear getting stuck in it, there is a chance you could end up in another equally troubled marriage and be back right where you started - feeling "stuck."

Sounds like your husband could benefit from anger management. I'm only hearing your side of the story, but it sounds like you have some issues you need to work on too.

People argue about silly things all the time. Generally, it's more important to get to the root of what is really triggering the arguments: is it the need to be in control? always be right? save face? pride position? 

Ask your H if he is willing to give MC a try. I think it would help both of you - and your marriage.


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## Sunnydays (Jul 26, 2011)

Thank you jellybeans!

I'm not sure if you can call him an abuser, he might have some traits of an abuser which goes the same for me. I had problems with jealousy which led to abusing him by stopping him form doing certain things. Now its gone since I don't get so jealous like I used to.

He has done some things in the past like say things that you would never say to the ones you love. Try to say/do things to scare me. 

I'm gonna look into that book, thank you! It has really good reviews.


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## Sunnydays (Jul 26, 2011)

Thanks for your opinion Prodigal!

Yes, you are right. There are things that I need to work on also like stopping myself from talking to my husband when I'm already upset. This only leads to arguments. And I also need to work on my attitude.

We are thinking about seeing MC again but its hard to know if that really works considering all the previous experiences with the sessions we had.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My opinion is that when it comes to marriage it is your (experiential) opinion that counts.


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sunnydays said:


> Thanks for your opinion Prodigal!
> 
> Yes, you are right. There are things that I need to work on also like stopping myself from talking to my husband when I'm already upset. This only leads to arguments. And I also need to work on my attitude.
> 
> We are thinking about seeing MC again but its hard to know if that really works considering all the previous experiences with the sessions we had.


Wow, your situation is very similar to mine. I too need to work on not talking to him when he is already upset, but he can say some really mean things. I'm still devastated about last night's fight. I also had some jealously issues but have since gotten over that, but he doesn't help when he constantly rubs stuff from a year ago down my throat.

On a good note, we are seeing an MC and it is helping. I chose a man MC so my husband cannot manipulate a man as much as he would a woman. This MC is very good for us.

I think I will get the book that was recommended too. Good luck to you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sunnydays said:


> Thank you jellybeans!
> 
> I'm not sure if you can call him an abuser, he might have some traits of an abuser which goes the same for me. I had problems with jealousy which led to abusing him by stopping him form doing certain things. Now its gone since I don't get so jealous like I used to.
> 
> ...


You know, I didn't want to call my ex-boyfriend an abuser. It wasn't until I finally applied that label that I realized that that was exactly what he was doing to me and got the courage to finally pack up and leave. 

You can pretty it up however you want. I blamed job stress, the kids issues, our living situation, anything and everything. But in the end it was still what it was: abuse. Maybe it was something else that led him to do it, but he did it, and it was wrong. 

Normally, I'm a big proponent of working things out and going to marriage counseling and trying really hard to keep a relationship intact. But, given my new experience with mental abuse, this is not one of those situations where I can sit here and tell you that you should go to counseling and try to work it out. I've now learned that abusers don't change. Well, ok, maybe some do. But for the most part, they don't, because they don't admit they have a problem and if you don't admit to having a problem, you can't have a desire to change. 

While plenty of the things you described stand out as abuse to me, what really stood out was him driving recklessly and scaring you and him yelling at you while you're using the toilet. The second, especially...that's probably one of the most humiliating things I can think of to have to deal with. Think about that. Think about whether you want to live the rest of your life with a man who will drive in ways that could kill you or who will bust into the bathroom to yell at you. 

I know I certainly wouldn't.


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## Sunnydays (Jul 26, 2011)

homemaker- thanks, yes I agree. I will have to decide what I want to do with my life. It gets confusing at times though


tmbirdy-I'm glad there is someone out there that can relate with me. I've told my H that when he swears it's really hurtful (since I didn't grow up with people cursing all the time) he told me he feels the same amount of pain when I say things that are hurtful even when I don't curse at all. I don't agree but I guess I will never know since you can't measure amount of pain.
I think I will want to choose a male MC also.

greeneye-I do think that there are some abuse but the level of it is not as much that I can label him as an abuser. But I understand where you're coming from. 
In my past relationship my ex always found it easier to leave for a drive or just not say anything when in an argument and I used to be the one to work so hard on talking about making relationship better and trying to fix things. But in this marriage I've became the one that NEEDS to leave the house to get some space. My H pushes my buttons so much that I feel like I would suffocate if I stay home.
The scariest part for me is that once my H gets to a certain point of anger (and he can get there pretty quickly) he does this thing where he start to say things slow and real loud as if to scare me.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would not necessarily say you are married to an abuser. I think he has some anger issues that need to be addressed, though. 

The fact that you cheated on him may still be a sore subject for him. And you may have some commitment issues because you cheated on him.

I would find a psychologist (not just a general therapist) who can work with you and your husband on your marriage. Not all counselors are the same and many are not effective. But when you find a good person, they can help you navigate the issues you describe (which were some of the issues my husband and I faced.)

Thanks to our wonderful therapist (psychologist) we have a very happy marriage now. But we had to go through 4 therapists (who were not psychologists) before we found her. 

If you divorce, you will still have the same issues. Fix them now, in this marriage, so you can live a happier life.


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## Sunnydays (Jul 26, 2011)

So yesterday we got to talk about the situation of the toilet incident.

He comes and tells me "we both said and done things that were inexcusable, hurtful and wrong"

I've told him that I've said things that were mean and shouldn't have been upset with him but did not make any action that was wrong and wanted him to explain what I did specifically that he thought was wrong. He said that me pushing him was wrong and inexcusable.

I guess??? I told him I don't agree because I didn't just go and push him for fun/threat/harass or to be mean to him. I simply pushed him so he would let go of the door knob to the bathroom because 1.) I verbally asked him to let the door go 2.)I tried to take his hand off of the knob but he was holding it so hard. What would have been the next wonderful action that I could have taken?? Am I crazy to think that maybe me pushing him was not inexcusable?? I wouldn't say I did the right thing but I know what I was feeling and I was scared/embarrassed, I wanted him to leave me alone. I'm confused.... and shocked at the same time that he brought this up.

Then he went on about how "pushing" is an assault and I could go to jail for that blah blah blah. And as a side note my H's BPD mother has a history of some suicidal incident where police was involved so many years ago. If he ever try to make me go to jail for something like this I wonder if that would help at all...

As I kept listening to the crazy talk, he asked "if someone slapped you don't you want to slap them right back?"......I didn't know if I should start laughing or seriously answer. Sure I've been slapped or hit by my parents before or some stupid fights with my sibling, but that NEVER led me to think I wanted to hurt them in revenge. That's just crazy to me. So from what he said I realized that he's only telling me "you will never lay a hand on me ever again" because HE is the one that's scared of not being able to control his anger one day if I ever "touch" him again. Wow....all this is making me concerned about being in this relationship. Seems like I just confirmed myself of the possibility of getting hurt in the future.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What I can offer is to let go of your ego. When you feel offended, stop and try to treat your husband how you want to be treated...he will most likely reciprocate.

This is something I am working on now...so far it's been great.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> I've now learned that abusers don't change. Well, ok, maybe some do. But for the most part, they don't, because they don't admit they have a problem and if you don't admit to having a problem, you can't have a desire to change.


Yes, I was an emotional abuser from my past hurts. i saw this and am rectifying it.

The transformation this month within myself has been incredible. I have never been at so much peace DESPITE the crap falling down around me. I am in therapy and it is my goal to work through the reasons why I lash out....mostly major abandonment issues and previous abuse from other partners.

People can change, like you said, if they want it. We can't assume her husband wouldn't want to self reflect and work on things. 

My husband complimented me last night on my behavior and calmness lately.  I can only control myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. The OP's husband may not be aware of the abuse, as people get in ruts, or maybe he was brought in a home like that (I was). The OP also says things back to her husband so it's a vicious cycle that they both need to stop.

People can change. Once an abuser doesn't mean they will always be an abuser, if they let down their ego and self-reflect.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Your husband is right. You were both wrong. You BOTH have to take responsibility for the marriage, not just your husband. If you are so focused on always being "right" instead of trying to make peace, you won't have a lasting marriage with anyone.

When you don't take responsiblity for YOUR part in things, how can you expect your partner to feel? Pissed off. That's how I would feel. He was big enough to apologize and you need to own your own crap as well. Nobody is perfect. Maybe saying sorry is difficult for you. If this is the case, work on it. Find a better therapist.


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## nishi_25 (Jun 30, 2013)

Every marriage is worth working on, right? Because he said yes, and you said yes. There must be something there


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