# 28 years of marriage to a lovable cheater



## Committed (Jul 9, 2010)

I'd love some feedback. I'm married to a very complex man but we have a good relationship on the whole; we laugh a lot, have similar interests, but also allow each other space (obviously too much space!) and all our friends think we're very much in love after all this time and he convinces me that we really are in love and that I mean everything to him. He's goofy, fit and attractive and would be hard to replace.

The email below just came late last night, a day after he arrived home from a 3 week overseas work trip. It was like taking a punch in the stomach to read it. Am I being paranoid or does it sound as though he's become intimate very quickly with this lady he met (and didn't mention on his return)? He hasn't read the email himself and after I drilled him about what went on with her, he told me some half baked story about meeting her family and having a drink with them all one night, but absolutely nothing else. 
_Hello friend,
Hope you made it home safe without any complications and have had a couple of days to sleep and recover. Tough tour...(very emotional...hehe). I missed you as soon as you were off the boat and have missed you ever since. I am loving Prague (wish you were here) and we are leaving tomorrow for Munich and then Oberammergau. Home on Monday. Be well and "don't lose me" . Talk to you soon and thanks for a very memorable boat ride_

I'm still getting over an "emotional affair" (he won't admit to anything more) he had for six months with an old flame and ended last year after I told him I wanted to leave because of the affair. He won't hear of separation and claims I'm looking for an out from the marriage. I really don't want to be a 45 year old divorcee, and I love being married to him 90% of the time but I don't know if I can take the physical pain I feel when there's someone else involved! 

I won't get straight answers from him if he's had a fling because he's terrified of the marriage ending, but maybe I'm reading stuff into this that isn't there due to my lack of trust? (I know I'm not but would love another perspective).


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Hello there, I am in a similar situation to you and would be interested in hearing what others have to say.

My hubby secretly chats online to other women. I have a few male (online) friends that I don't tell him about. I wont admit that I have met any of mine, but I suspect he has met his over the years. 

We both choose NOT to talk about it. I hate this element of secrecy. But we try to overlook it due to the fact that pretty much the rest of our marriage, our kids, our lives are brilliant.

Difficult to know what to do isnt it?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds to me that the email was a deep flirtation. Did it go further than that? Who knows. The fact is that you aren't comfortable with the situation and he has just recently admitted to having an emotional affair for six months which I doubt you've fully recovered from. Of course your trust is shaken. It would be irrational to believe that it wouldn't be.

Have you considered counseling? It would certainly help work through the previous affair, and help clarify what the boundaries are and how to rebuild trust with each other too.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Why would your husband flirt with other women, he seems to have a need to have someone else in his life. He already knew you were recovering from the EA 6 months ago, He has a problem with his respect for you.....he wouldn't hurt you like this if he respected you......
I would take some steps, serious ones to let him know that this is all you are going to take and then maybe he will wake up and know if he continues this behavior then he has chosen it over you.
My guess is he will jump through hoops to not have you end your marriage.....right now he knows he can keep doing this and you won't do anything about it except hurt......
He needs to know you are finished hurting and that if this is what he needs to do, he can do it living alone......he will soon learn it's not that important in the big picture of life...
sorry you have to go through this, he is being selfish and unloving right now......


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## Committed (Jul 9, 2010)

Thanks for your feedback jessi & HappyHer, (and DameEdna, but I feel that our situations are quite different!) 

We did try counceling, both times with a male counceller, one of whom suggested the EA was H being a naughty boy who made a mistake - very dismissive of the anguish I was going through at the time - and the next who questioned why I had a problem with his "friendship" with another woman (hidden from me for 6 months and only discovered accidentally) and wanted to have individual councelling sessions with me. My own therapist (a woman) told me to leave him, which wasn't the immediate solution I was looking for! 

I guess I just have to think long and hard about what I need from my relationship, but I just feel as though my self respect and respect for him is eroding. Although I am so happy being married and in this long term relationship - for the record, in 28 years I've never even contemplated crossing ANY lines, including having secret chat room "friends", my life is fulfilled (and complicated it seems) enough without adding that element of mistrust - I won't stay if I'm being lied and cheated to, even by the sweet, funloving, crazy, gorgeous father of my two beautiful boys (21 & 23, not living at home).

Thanks again, I need someone to shake me and tell me not to take this lack of respect. How come it can't be easy?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome. Consider yourself shaken! Of course it's not easy, you have a lot of years invested.

It sounds like the counselors you picked weren't very helpful. I would say try a couple more. Your husband isn't seem to be grasping that he is harming you, perhaps he feels if he doesn't sleep with someone then he hasn't cheated. But there are other forms of cheating that are just as painful as a physical affair.

I don't think it's time to give up, but it is time to set some firm boundaries and really clarify what your stance is on relationships outside of your marriage and get some negotiating between the two of you in regard to how you will respond to others or not. Make sure you let him know how much you value honesty first, then, don't ask him questions, but do be very clear about your feelings and what you expect.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, I hope you are doing better today, glad to give you a little shot of not going to take this anymore....
28 years is a long time, I'm 26 years myself, I think we realize by now that none of us is going to be a perfect partner but having friendships with other women is just not right......just tell him it's not something you want him to do and if you are important to him that he needs to respect you.......
I think in time if he continues he will cross the line with a PA....he needs to not put himself in a position of hurting your marriage.....
Spell it out for him with the Boundaries you can live with. If it isn't something he can do then I think you need to think about what your next step will be........


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Committed - you just described my life. I've been living in limbo for the last two years since finding out about my H's affairSSS - both physical & emotional. 
I say that I was married to the "nice guy" that really treated me like an a-hole. Now I'm married to a guy who's officially an a-hole, but he treats me very very nicely. What do you do with that? 
I have young children and feel much less 'free' to make an independent decision about my path. You have the freedom more so with your children all grown up. But it still isn't easy.

Best advice I'd received with H's like this... "Keep them out of the cafe." Meaning: give him NO time alone. Be with him at all times, on all trips, etc. Otherwise it will happen again - at some point it will happen again. Its just who they are. If we choose to stay with guys like that - to protect ourselves - we mush keep them out of the cafe. If that only creates ugliness - then its time to break the relationship... no matter how fabulous they are.

Not sure I'm being helpful. But I hear you...


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## Committed (Jul 9, 2010)

Wow, I can't believe how supportive you are. I don't want to create the issue between friends and H by talking to my girlfriends, family etc about this, and I also don't think that many people can comprehend the pain involved in loving someone who has different ideas on acceptable boundaries, so it's amazing to have this forum to turn to. Thank you all so much.

I have to say, I'm so happy for my husband to have female friends, my girlfriends all love him because he's such a fun guy, and I don't have any problem with him spending time with them, with or without me. It's just the ones I don't know about and the ex flames from the past that I have a problem with.

I don't know where we're going to end up with this but either way, I can only see a hard road ahead for me. It's either leave him - I can see he's not going to change - or stay and enjoy the 80% good times and deal with the pain each time it happens or turn a blind eye. I don't think that will work for me to be honest, because every time we argue about something else I just think to myself, I don't have to put up with this crap when your a cheating, lying s.o.b! Besides, how can I be true to myself and respect myself when I live that way?

I can't spend my life glued to my husband. I have always encouraged him to enjoy the things which fulfill him, even if he needs to do them without me and I love my time alone - I just spend it differently to my silly boy. He has a big ego which needs stroking and hates to be alone so I guess the marriage works perfectly for him now. I keep threatening, he keeps denying and must think I believe him because I never leave. 

So, he gets to do all the great things he loves, traveling the world with work, surfing and motor cycling holidays with mates, camping trips with his siblings and I enjoy holidays abroad with my girl friends, retreats on my own and working holidays around the world also. We work together, and travel together much of the time, so although it sounds as though we live separate lives, it's not like that at all - we live and work happily together 85% of the time and we're very social when we're home. We have lots of great friends and they all think we're the perfect couple! That's what kills me - our lives are amazing and he risks it all for the rush he must get when someone pays him too much attention!

Thank you all again. Good luck with your marriage _stillINshock_, I'm feeling your pain. Jessi & HappyHer, you both sound as though you've been through this and have come out wonderfully wise people on the other side, so there's hope for us. You've really helped me see a bit more clearly and I am quite at peace right now (until it happens again). I'm not going to rush into anything, but I know things are going to change.

Warm and heartfelt thanks. xx


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome dear. It sounds as if you are resigning yourself. I hope you don't give up. I've worked with many couples over the years and I can tell you that often times the "offending party" just doesn't realize the pain they are causing. It's not that they don't care, it's just that it hasn't been presented in a way that they understand or can wrap their heads around why they should probably refrain from the offending actions.

Keep talking to him as you do seem to have a pretty solid relationship for that "85%" of the time. He doesn't have to agree to your boundaries, but he does need to respect them and it doesn't sound as if you are getting the amount of respect that you deserve.

Whenever there is a "deal breaker" situation, meaning that this situation could quite possibly ruin your marriage, I suggest some sort of counseling. You may think that's extreme as you do get along so well for most of the time. But this is not a little thing, it's a big thing that is eating away at your happiness with him to the point that you are considering leaving the relationship.


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