# Unsure



## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

Ok I am new here, and mostly went looking for forums like this because I am at a total loss on what to do. Here's my problem.

I am 26. When I was 19 I gave birth to my son. His father stepped out of the picture when my son was 19 months old. Not long after I met my current husband. During this entire time I have tried to make contact with (Sperm Donor) as I call him. I had no idea where he was living, or what he was doing. Every time we managed to get contact he claimed that I was a ***** and that our son was not in fact his. My husband took over full role as dad. At some point in time he even told me he wanted to adopt my son. I was thrilled. I couldn't have been happier. We talked and suggested to try and find a way to get in contact with SD to see if he would sign his rights away. After a long drawn out exhausting process SD claims that he would NOT sign his rights away until a DNA test was conducted to make sure the child was his. My son and I were ordered by court to have a DNA test done....SD was not. So after another few months of SD not taking his test my husband and I tried another way around the situation to just have rights taken away since all in all SD abandoned my son. We did not have the money to pursue this so we dropped the case. Not long after my husband decided he did not want to adopt my son after all. I was heartbroken. Mostly because we went through all of this because he was the one that wanted this. So anyways, speed it up until last month. SD gets in contact with me and wants to be a father to my son. I discussed this with my husband and he is livid. I cannot by any means say I blame him. But my problem is, what do I do? My son already know that my husband isn't his father, and asks to see SD, but I just feel like ripping my hair out. I am totally unsure if SD has changed. I am not by any means saying he has, but what do I do? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt and try and wipe the slate clean for my sons sake? Or do I just flat out tell him no? I am in this for my sons sake. He (in my opinion) deserves to have his real father in his life, but then again I am scared that SD will scar him emotionally because he has been absent thus far. My husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs because he feels I am "catering" to SD. I don't feel I am. I feel I am catering to my son. Im seriously at my wits end. Im so tired from all of this stress. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent....and granted I am by far from perfect. But, I just want some feedback. Especially from someone other than family.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ugg what a mess. I think it were me I'd probably let his bio dad back in his life if for no other reason than for closure. It's win win either way. Either he will see that this guy is an ass and will no longer want to see him. It will be HIS choice to make not yours. Or the guy will step up and do the right thing.

Overall I think I'm more mad at your husband. What a wishy washy person. He wanted to adopt your son but now he doesn't. Now he's livid? Really? From everything you've said here it sounds like you have your son's best interest at heart. And he's unfortunately not mature enough to see that.


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## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

See and I feel the same way. We spent hours just last night arguing about his side. And you hit the nail right on the head. If bio turns out to be a total looser then perhaps my son will grow up seeing that. I love my son dearly and want the best for him. But it's like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. By all means my son WILL come before my husband, but you can't make them all happy.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Has the SD had the DNA test?

The SD doesn't sound like a quality person. 

If I was you, I would tell your SD to go fly a kite. He had his chance. Just make sure your SD knows how much he owes in child support and what he will be paying. My guess is he will leave again once he thinks it will cost him.

I would never have told my son that the father that he has always known is not his real father. Not while he is only 7 years old! A 7 year old can't comprehend this and this only hurts his relationship with your husband.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to explain why your husband decided not to adopt the son. My guess is that it has nothing to do with your son. 

It is either because you guys were having difficulty in your marriage, or he thinks the actual adoption doesn't matter, because he has always been the father (just not sperm donor).


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## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

Sadly, I was not the one that told my son. My meddling family did. And no SD never took the DNA test. He wasn't ordered by the court like I was, even though he was the one that requested it. And as far as child support, yea I am pretty sure if I mention all the back child support he probably would run.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Confused_11 said:


> Sadly, I was not the one that told my son. My meddling family did. And no SD never took the DNA test. He wasn't ordered by the court like I was, even though he was the one that requested it. And as far as child support, yea I am pretty sure if I mention all the back child support he probably would run.


I know if someone in my family took it upon theirself to tell my child something that was my place to tell them when I was ready, that meddling family member(s) wouldn't be seeing me or my child again anytime soon. That is unexcusable! 

So if SD wanted the test then why did he never take on himself? Sounds like he was trying to be difficult. 

If I were you I would send him something in writting (either email or letter) telling him you need to discuss his DNA test and also point out that you and your husband have been supporting the child and there is back child support to be discussed. 

Something just doesn't seem right about this, after dennying the child is even his for so long why did he all of a sudden pop up and want to see the child? I hope their visitation is supervised.

Don't be to hard on your husband, put yourself in his place. What if he had a daughter that you had been the mother to for years and then out of the blue the "real" mother showed up. I assume your husband has been a good father since you didn't say otherwise. I would like to know why he decided not to adopt your son however? Was it because of the hoops the SD was making you jump though or was there another reason?


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## sosei (Aug 9, 2011)

I do agree with most here too. I think you need him to put up or shut up, prove he is the father via the DNA testing and in the mean time check with a lawyer with regards to any rights he has from basic abandonment, custody rights which should be established, past due child support (if any). These are not things to try and force the father away but for you to get on solid ground what the rights are after all these years. Complacency will come back to haunt you later on I expect if you do not find out these things now and understand what rules and grounds you are allowed to set being the parent who raised the child. A lawyer though I expect is the only one who can do that.


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## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

@Sadie. Actually I have a 16 year old step daughter. The ex is an alcoholic that allows her to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. (Including smoking pot) AND buying alcohol for her. Husband knows but basically claims "If I take her away from her mother she will hate me." I have been a "mother" to her more than her own! Her mom treats her like a best friend. Im the one buying school clothes and female products. Everything down to freaking chapstick. BUT the fact that ex has been there since day 1 (physically I assume) then her actions are acceptable. This gurl has ran away twice, snuck out of the house...etc. And no form of punishment has been granted. (But I suppose that can be for another form later.) As far as the meddling family, they are OUT! I was angry and upset because it was MY job to tell him. But sadly, the damage is done. As far as the wishy washy about the adoption, I am unsure. I try to ask and it's always a silent treatment. He tells me he loves my son like he was his. And in some form I do not doubt that in the least bit.
@Sosei I agree as well. I am seriously debating doing this process all over again. He has not seen him since he has come back. And honestly, I will not allow him to be alone with my son for a very long time. We have discussed public meetings (mall, fast food place etc) but nothing has been done yet. I am very sketchy.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

H wanted to adopt the child when SD was around. After SD didn't want nothing to do with the child then H decides to not adopt. Now that SD has come around and wants to see the child H is upset, and you two are fighting.

Could it be that H doesn't want YOU around the SD.


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## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

I asked H if that was the problem. H claimed no. I told him if it was then I could work something else out. H still sticks to his idea that I am "catering" to SD.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I would want the DNA test, so get him to agree to that first as a condition of being involved in his life.

THEN bring in the small matter of support. Even if he bolts, you now have proof he owes it to you. Shweet. 

Little guy needs mom to do some quick thinking to protect him from duds and help him get his fair share. Sweet as they are, they are not inexpensive. Go mommy!


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

Not mean to jack your thread, just a little background

I have son who's birth father stepped out of the picture when he was 3. My H came into the picture when he was 16 months and is his "Real Dad". The birth father, my son's term, was something we didn't hide from our son, but left enough evidence around for him to put the pieces together himself, and 3 years ago (11 now) he did and asked to get in touch - it has been a back and forth battle, but I try to leave it up to my son as much as possible......

I would suggest this to H, and see what he says

We did one monitored phone call and it went badly and I told the birth father, email only until I could feel I could trust him. I have the email pw and my son only checks it with me present. It is very controlled. Maybe if you gave the reins to H, then he would feel more comfortable with there being contact.


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