# Question - best way to tell her I will divorce her



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

This is a quiet rant, hope it works to let anger out of me via my fingertips, if you read far enough there is a question at the end.

I've had enough, life is too short, to stay married to my w. I need to restart my life, will be moving to SF in mid November. The questions are 

1. how and when should I tell w I want to meditate the divorce process I am starting,

2. Should I tell w to not go on the trip I planned. I've paid for all of it, thought we might have fun, but as you read you'll find why I ask this.

I've been with my wife since 1984, we married in 89, I have adult children from my first marriage. She's 58, I'm 61. Up until the last few years we had an excellent sex life, despite working many hours. These days she can easily stay at work till 10 or 11 PM every day.

We live in a very pleasant house, in a "nice" town 65 miles NE of Times Square, a great place if you are working or raising kids. I'm retired and on disability, money not a problem as long as I don't buy a red 911 and chase fast women, my W is a social worker, she's narcissitic and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) - her calendar a beautiful mix of colors, fonts and whatnots, she is not at all effective in managing her time, and loves her job.

She is a hoarder - she uses our large guestroom to store stuff, every square inch filled with suitcases, backpacks, and clothes that are too small or out of style. Another bedroom is used by her as a dressing room, also filled to the gills. I won't talk about her office at work, or the large corner of the dining room she uses as an office other than to say they are full.

She has been acting more like a child than an adult for quite a while, doesn't pay her bills on time, doesn't do her household tasks, when she was feeding the cats they could be fed at any hour, frequently stays up all night, when she goes to bed it usually isn't until 3 or 4 AM, then she will wake around noon. I'm a morning person, an engineer, a problem solver. I get asked to solve her problems, don't ask her inputs, her answers rapidly become complex and internally contradicting.

Because I will use a wheelchair in the house, I've had the kitchen and large bathroom completely renovated, they are accessible and beautiful. I also renovated the exterior, aside from normal cleanup this is a maintenance free house for a decade or more. 

Our marriage has not been consummated in at least two years, she has been depressed for much of this time, slowly coming out of it, *but* within the last few months she goes from emotionally intimate and affectionate, to distant at a rapid rate - she is on a pendulum, pleased with her self while I get dizzy. I continue to remember the good years, because that woman sometimes shows up.

I enjoy contact, I need to be touched and held, enjoy having a conversation. She will sit down to dinner a few times a week and immediately turn the TV on. BTW I do the shopping and am a good cook. Look for me on PlentyofFish.com  Yes, I'm there under a very different but accurate name.

I've gone back and forth on divorce since August, Wednesday night she comes home two hours late, spends 45 minutes on the phone with her mom talking about nothing, and when I asked if she'd be getting in bed at our agreed upon time, the answer was "no". I said fine, left the kitchen, went to my favorite chair and watched the Yankees win, then read until 11:30 and went to bed.

I had planned a trip to the west coast some time back, we'd see my oldest son and his family, then go to SF where I've rented a furnished apartment for 30 days. S would head back to NY the Sunday after TG, I'd stay till mid December.

Two or more years ago after 6 to 10 months of her telling me that intercourse with her wouldn't happen because it is too painful, she told me that I should find a girl friend, this said more than once. She has a variety of physical issues, refuses to find a dr. willing to treat her as a single entity, so she sees one for this, one for that, one for another, with no dr. getting a complete view. She refuses to see a counselor (I've been talking to one since August).

As a result of a few serious talks she knows how unhappy I am with her failure to be a wife in some of the most basic ways. We've spoken about divorce, discussed my moving to SF because of cultural opportunities, weather, food, wine, etc.

In August I saw a lawyer, a very bright, kind woman, who is happy to mediate our divorce.

We have a pre-nup, written when my financial prospects were dim, explicitly protecting her assets and her likely inheritance of a share of a small house on a beach on Long Island Sound, in Fairfield County's Gold Coast. It also protects my assets, were any to ever arrive - fair is fair. Even w/o the preNup, I have no interest or need of her assets - against all expectations I made some money along the way and invested it well enough.

I think I don't want to travel with her, I'd prefer to move out until my flight takes off, but since I'm home during the day and she doesn't show up till late will probably stay in the house.

The $64 question - what is the best way to let w know I will be filing and don't want her traveling with me? A letter I can carefully write and hand her to read, a talk? a ??


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I guess if it were me I would prefer to be told in person. Letters, emails, texts all leave too much room for interpretation where if you are told in person you know the tone, mood and any questions can be answered immediately. Nothing is left unsaid or unopened. 

I am sorry to hear of the trouble in the marriage and hope for the best for the both of you. Let us know what you decide and how everything works out in the end.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

A talk. If you are really done, talk to her calmly. When she says why, don't bite. Been there, done that. Only the facts.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> A talk. If you are really done, talk to her calmly. When she says why, don't bite. Been there, done that. Only the facts.


A big thanks to you -

I really like your suggestion to avoid why, she knows the why by now, and although she wants me to stay married, she certainly doesn't want to change.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Due to her mental conditions I would definitely do so in person but have someone supportive available to come over for her after the bomb is dropped and you've said your peace. 
Keep the information simple and final but as compassionate as possible. If you leave any portion open ended and give her a false sense of hope it will only make matters worse. For the fact she is a hoarder then I ward against "picking up and clearing out" while she is away or doing anything drastic like that. DO take some of your valuable and sentimental posessions from the house and put them some place safe so they don't become the victims of hasty retaliation should she lose it. You've been together a long time and she keeps your companionship high on her list (since she was willing to allow u to have a side interest). The divorce will indeed be very hard for her so prepare your words wisely. Allow her to feel its a mismatch and that you still care about her well being but know its not fair to continue since you've fallen out of love. Express you want her to find happiness again and don't believe it can be with you (shes clearly not happy if shes hoarding). 
Once you have said your case then allow a close family member to be there for support and comfort as you leave to give her time to let it sink in. Staying will probably only make her emotions worse and leaving her alone is dangerous. I highly doubt she will want to go on the trip after the bomb is dropped. Be sure she has support while you're away by asking friends or family of the favor of taking care of her since you cannot be that person. once the tides calm then try conversing with her respecfully about how & when to transition the belongings. You may need a counselor present if she's a true hoarder in order to get her to let go of your belongings. She may cling even harder when confronted with the issue of divorce. 
Hope this helps! choose your words ever wisely & recruit close trusting family to help you. Shes too fragile to handle it alone but sounds like its good you're finally doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Lovelieswithin,

My ignorance is showing, you say her mental conditions - OCD, narcissism, hoarding and depression are problematic. Please say a bit more, I'm confused.

W has no close family members of her age, I know she talks to her mom a great deal and listen's extensively to mom's complaints about her dad, he is OCD/narcissistic in the extreme, her mom hoards newspapers and magazines such that the place will be knocked down by the eventual buyer. As soon as s/he opens the front door, s/he'll call for a demolition team. The property is on a nice beach right on LI sound and will sell for a small fortune.

W has some good friends, I had one drink with her best friend's H last month, asking him to keep his mouth shut, but he didn't, so her friend knows what is going on. Said friend knows all the answers, is pretty p****d at me. Not my problem, no longer my friends.

I will pack up some of my valuables and ask a good friend to keep them safe, they are small. There are also some paintings and a Picasso lithograph I will keep.

I'm waiting to hear back from my attorney. I'll keep you folks posted as my world goes into reboot.




lovelieswithin said:


> Due to her mental conditions I would definitely do so in person but have someone supportive available to come over for her after the bomb is dropped and you've said your peace.
> Keep the information simple and final but as compassionate as possible. If you leave any portion open ended and give her a false sense of hope it will only make matters worse. For the fact she is a hoarder then I ward against "picking up and clearing out" while she is away or doing anything drastic like that. DO take some of your valuable and sentimental posessions from the house and put them some place safe so they don't become the victims of hasty retaliation should she lose it. You've been together a long time and she keeps your companionship high on her list (since she was willing to allow u to have a side interest). The divorce will indeed be very hard for her so prepare your words wisely. Allow her to feel its a mismatch and that you still care about her well being but know its not fair to continue since you've fallen out of love. Express you want her to find happiness again and don't believe it can be with you (shes clearly not happy if shes hoarding).
> Once you have said your case then allow a close family member to be there for support and comfort as you leave to give her time to let it sink in. Staying will probably only make her emotions worse and leaving her alone is dangerous. I highly doubt she will want to go on the trip after the bomb is dropped. Be sure she has support while you're away by asking friends or family of the favor of taking care of her since you cannot be that person. once the tides calm then try conversing with her respecfully about how & when to transition the belongings. You may need a counselor present if she's a true hoarder in order to get her to let go of your belongings. She may cling even harder when confronted with the issue of divorce.
> Hope this helps! choose your words ever wisely & recruit close trusting family to help you. Shes too fragile to handle it alone but sounds like its good you're finally doing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Just a calm, face to face conversation in which you tell her you've made your final decision and you want a divorce. If she asks why, you tell her you've told her why numerous times, and you're no longer going to repeat yourself.

I agree with getting valuables out of there. I also think you should have somewhere else you can go after, to give her some time and space. Even though I don't feel you should have to leave your home, I also think it'd be kind of cruel to expect her to do so. "I want a divorce, and gee, could you go somewhere else to deal with your feelings so I don't have to see it?"

Just be gentle, but firm. She'll be upset and hurt, but you can't keep putting your life on hold forever to spare her feelings.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

The leaving the house business has implications wrt to later division of assets, I understand. It might be a good idea to speak with an attorney about the best position from an asset standpoint before the big talk.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Good point, I've called my attorney and asked her to call me to discuss the process. Neither of us has any thing to gain by bringing a suit, I don't want to hurt her, just get on with my life. I'm not going to say anything to W until I hear back.

Back in August my atty said because W is employed and I'm on SSDI, I might end up getting alimony, which I found amusing, I'd be happy with W keeping the house and paying expenses including mortgage and taxes. W could swing it until she was 62 when she could take out a reverse mortgage if necessary. 

I'm being so rational it is clear I've used my tears.




vthomeschoolmom said:


> The leaving the house business has implications wrt to later division of assets, I understand. It might be a good idea to speak with an attorney about the best position from an asset standpoint before the big talk.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I have heard of cases of people leaving the family home for emotional reasons only to find that counts as abandoning the home. The spouse winds up with the home. That's the only reason I mention checking with the lawyer. What things can you do NOW that wind up impacting you in ways you don't know LATER.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Thanks for pointing this out, I will be very cautious, won't file a change of address until I know a lot more, let alone discuss filing unless W raises the question.

Regrettably my atty must be in court today. Haven't heard from her and she is another emailholic.



vthomeschoolmom said:


> I have heard of cases of people leaving the family home for emotional reasons only to find that counts as abandoning the home. The spouse winds up with the home. That's the only reason I mention checking with the lawyer. What things can you do NOW that wind up impacting you in ways you don't know LATER.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Note I did not say file a change of address. I said leave the family home.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Note I did not say file a change of address. I said leave the family home.


That's just it, that physical presence or lack of it is what causes the risk. It is not just a matter of not updating the driver's license and keeping up with the bills.

Definitely check with the lawyer first.


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