# Advice on support?



## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

So here lately, my husband and I have been very brutally honest with each other about everything that is going on and while it is actually getting us somewhere very positive - I think I may have broke him. Yesterday, when i came home - he was in the yard, cutting the grass, cleaning up sticks, had a fire going, drunk of course. He sees me and comes straight up and hugs me and starts balling his eyes out, telling me how sorry he is, that he never wanted to be this way and that he knows that he needs help but he is scared. He's afraid that he will lose his job, lose his weekends with his son. He feels that he needs inpatient treatment for alcohol. I guess my question is this - where do I go from here? Any advice is welcome on how to handle this as a caring, loving wife without enabling him.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

For context, what’s the stuff about losing weekends with his son?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

He's afraid that the mother of his son won't let him see him


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He's afraid that the mother of his son won't let him see him


If he's at inpatient, or if she finds out about his problems? Do they have a court order for visitation?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it’s a great thing if he admittedly wants to get treatment. I’d help him do that and go from there. Not sure what type of arrangement he has with his son? Is he afraid she’ll find out he is going for treatment and prevent your husband from seeing his son?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I think it’s a great thing if he admittedly wants to get treatment. I’d help him do that and go from there. Not sure what type of arrangement he has with his son? Is he afraid she’ll find out he is going for treatment and prevent your husband from seeing his son?


Yes, basically.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes, basically.


Well, if he gets treatment and recovers from what he believes could be an addiction, that will help everyone involved in his life. I’d think she’d be happy he’s getting help but I don’t know the backstory, like how well they get along. What do you think he should do? Like what was your first thought to what he said?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Yes, basically.


But you likely agree that the end result of successful treatment will result in a better relationship with his son, more time with him, in the long run? That it makes sense to help your husband recognize there can be a bottom, this is hopefully it, that it’s going to be a really hard road to recovery and one of the sacrifices might be the sort-term loss of seeing his son?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> But you likely agree that the end result of successful treatment will result in a better relationship with his son, more time with him, in the long run? That it makes sense to help your husband recognize there can be a bottom, this is hopefully it, that it’s going to be a really hard road to recovery and one of the sacrifices might be the sort-term loss of seeing his son?


Absolutely. I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too. I even offered to pour out my tea that I bought on Monday that is still in the fridge. It's really not an issue. I don't drink a lot so it really wouldn't be an issue.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

This is why I get frustrated though. In his moment of I deserve better, he wants to quit drinking and he's so emotionally upset - he makes promises. But now tonight he is going to his friends to get waisted like we're in our early 20s and we have never partied before


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think treatment would help him figure out why he drinks and that is what he needs. But he has to want to do the hard work. I have known people with addictions and it’s difficult. 

For some, they have to hit like really rock bottom to want to change.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> This is why I get frustrated though. In his moment of I deserve better, he wants to quit drinking and he's so emotionally upset - he makes promises. But now tonight he is going to his friends to get waisted like we're in our early 20s and we have never partied before


Then he hasn’t hit bottom. He’s still lying to himself, lying to you. Is that really something you can live with? The stability of his relationship with you, his ability to rationalize that you’ll still be there when he goes back on his word, that enables him.

That’s a choice that’s yours to make. Nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong, for you. But they may be wrong for him. He may benefit from a hard line drawn in the sand, which he will inevitably cross, and you separate until, accepting that he might not do it so it becomes permanent, until he is well on his way to recovery.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> Then he hasn’t hit bottom. He’s still lying to himself, lying to you. Is that really something you can live with? The stability of his relationship with you, his ability to rationalize that you’ll still be there when he goes back on his word, that enables him.
> 
> That’s a choice that’s yours to make. Nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong, for you. But they may be wrong for him. He may benefit from a hard line drawn in the sand, which he will inevitably cross, and you separate until, accepting that he might not do it so it becomes permanent, until he is well on his way to recovery.


I will let you know how tonight goes. I'm going to go with him. I did just tell him that after he was as upset as he was today about how he's so ashamed of how far things have gotten, let's not forget that tonight when we are with the guys. We are both tired and beat up. By the grace of God, we got this!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bobert said:


> _*If he's at inpatient, or if she finds out about his problems? Do they have a court order for visitation?*_


OP, you didn't answer this question. * Does he have court-ordered visitation?*

A woman can't keep a man's kids away from him just because she's angry or doesn't like something he's doing - it doesn't work like that. Unless he's been proven to be unfit or a danger to his kids, she has no legal right to keep him from seeing them; however, if they don't have a court-ordered visitation schedule, then she's pretty much in the driver's seat. 

*



In his moment of I deserve better, he wants to quit drinking and he's so emotionally upset - he makes promises.

Click to expand...

*Do you want to know how to tell when an alcoholic is lying? When his lips are moving.

So he cries those big crocodile tears telling you all about how he _REALLY_ wants to change, and then not even a couple hours later he's out boozing it up with his buddy like a couple of immature frat boys?

You married a drunk. He'll always be a drunk. And he'll always be a drunk as long as YOU enable his **** behavior. Throw his sorry ass into a 30-day in-patient program and stop listening to *lame-ass excuses* about his kids and everything else. He got himself INTO this mess and it's up to him to get himself OUT. The only one who's actually trying to 'fix' this hot mess you married is YOU. He's not your son for God's sake, he's a grown-ass man who needs to clean up his OWN mess - you can't do it for him!

I was married to a recovering alcoholic (sober 5 years when I met him) and HE had gone through in-patient rehab* 3 times* before he finally GOT it.

Yours can't even stay freakin' sober for 24 hours so why on earth would you believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth? Good luck to you.


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## Oneillo77 (Sep 13, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So here lately, my husband and I have been very brutally honest with each other about everything that is going on and while it is actually getting us somewhere very positive - I think I may have broke him. Yesterday, when i came home - he was in the yard, cutting the grass, cleaning up sticks, had a fire going, drunk of course. He sees me and comes straight up and hugs me and starts balling his eyes out, telling me how sorry he is, that he never wanted to be this way and that he knows that he needs help but he is scared. He's afraid that he will lose his job, lose his weekends with his son. He feels that he needs inpatient treatment for alcohol. I guess my question is this - where do I go from here? Any advice is welcome on how to handle this as a caring, loving wife without enabling him.


Go to the Dr and get naltrexone and antibuse. Have him take those every morning. Get a good addiction specialist and AA. Hey will be good to go.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I wish you would begin to grasp that his alcoholism is not a "we" thing. It's solely his responsibility to deal with it. It's your responsibility to work your side of the street. Are you going to Al-Anon? 

Consider going to the Sober Recovery forum and reading the various sub-forums there. One that is particularly relevant to your situation is the sub-forum titled, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Plenty of folks there who have lots of recovery and can offer insight on your situation.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

In the US it's probably illegal under the FMLA to fire him for a medical condition & alcoholism is a medical condition. 

I agree with whoever said that he should not lose custody for getting better but he may lose it if he keeps up the drinking. 

Rock Bottom is different for everyone. Have YOU gone to an Al-Anon meetings yet? If no go. They are a support group & great resource for anyone in love with an addict


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> I wish you would begin to grasp that his alcoholism is not a "we" thing. It's solely his responsibility to deal with it. It's your responsibility to work your side of the street. Are you going to Al-Anon?
> 
> Consider going to the Sober Recovery forum and reading the various sub-forums there. One that is particularly relevant to your situation is the sub-forum titled, "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Plenty of folks there who have lots of recovery and can offer insight on your situation.


Thank you so much for this!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> In the US it's probably illegal under the FMLA to fire him for a medical condition & alcoholism is a medical condition.
> 
> I agree with whoever said that he should not lose custody for getting better but he may lose it if he keeps up the drinking.
> 
> Rock Bottom is different for everyone. Have YOU gone to an Al-Anon meetings yet? If no go. They are a support group & great resource for anyone in love with an addict


I'm considering it. I've talked to him about me going as well.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Don't talk to him about you going. He will talk you out of it. Addicts don't like anybody who challenges their norm. Just go to a few meetings. You may have to try a few before you find the one where you fit. they have the same underlying tenets, but each group has its own dynamic.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Don't talk to him about you going. He will talk you out of it. Addicts don't like anybody who challenges their norm. Just go to a few meetings. You may have to try a few before you find the one where you fit. they have the same underlying tenets, but each group has its own dynamic.


I absolutely have to disagree with this. I'm not about dishonesty in my marriage. I told him that I was thinking about doing it and he said that he felt it would be a very good thing because he knows that he is a pain in the ass


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So here lately, my husband and I have been very brutally honest with each other about everything that is going on and while it is actually getting us somewhere very positive - I think I may have broke him. Yesterday, when i came home - he was in the yard, cutting the grass, cleaning up sticks, had a fire going, drunk of course. He sees me and comes straight up and hugs me and starts balling his eyes out, telling me how sorry he is, that he never wanted to be this way and that he knows that he needs help but he is scared. He's afraid that he will lose his job, lose his weekends with his son. He feels that he needs inpatient treatment for alcohol. I guess my question is this - where do I go from here? Any advice is welcome on how to handle this as a caring, loving wife without enabling him.


Get him into a program. If his employer is worth a crap, they usually also want to get their employees help and operate on the 2 strike rule. Where I work people are always given a 2nd chance if they need help with an addiction, etc. 

If you know someone else who he works with that knows the situation, maybe ask if the employer has a program to get employees the help they need.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> He's afraid that the mother of his son won't let him see him


The mother would have to get a court order. She just can't deny him visitation with his son. And if he gets the help he needs and she tries to keep the son away from him, she could end up losing custody.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Absolutely. I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too.


eh? You will only quit if he quits? This will be the first problem you can rectify. You quit drinking. If he has a problem, then watching you being able to have a drink doesn't help.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I wish you would begin to grasp that his alcoholism is not a "we" thing. It's solely his responsibility to deal with it.


While I agree with this, it isn't helping matters if she is allowed to drink. I get that she doesn't drink much, but I imagine it would be damn difficult to quit drinking while another still gets to imbibe once in a while. Not much different than someone trying to lose weight, yet their partner is eating lasagna right in front of them. She said she'd only quit if he does.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> eh? You will only quit if he quits? This will be the first problem you can rectify. You quit drinking. If he has a problem, then watching you being able to have a drink doesn't help.


You're taking what I said out of context. Or maybe I didn't express myself correctly. I told him that if he quits drinking, I won't have any in support of him. I don't really drink much anyways. I bought a twisted tea last Monday and it is still sitting in the fridge. I was just trying to tell him that I will do whatever I can to support him.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> While I agree with this, it isn't helping matters if she is allowed to drink. I get that she doesn't drink much, but I imagine it would be damn difficult to quit drinking while another still gets to imbibe once in a while. Not much different than someone trying to lose weight, yet their partner is eating lasagna right in front of them. She said she'd only quit if he does.


That is NOT what I said. Read it again.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> That is NOT what I said. Read it again.


My exact words were 'if you don't drink any more, then I will give it up to because I know that it would be hard to do if I have drinks in the house' and his response was that he would appreciate it but I shouldn't have to because I'm not the one with the problem. But yet I reiterated to him, that we are a team and this is going to be a team effort. Not just him.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> You're taking what I said out of context. Or maybe I didn't express myself correctly. I told him that if he quits drinking, I won't have any in support of him. I don't really drink much anyways. I bought a twisted tea last Monday and it is still sitting in the fridge. I was just trying to tell him that I will do whatever I can to support him.


Not taking out of context at all. This is what you said, word for word: "I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too." 

So now you say "I told him that if he quits drinking, I won't have any in support of him".....in other words...."I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too."

You just said the same thing.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not getting down on you about it. Just saying that is one way to help him(even though posters have said it's not your job to do so, even though if you love someone, you will help them)

It's good that you want to do this to help him. But it shouldn't be that you'll only do it if he does. If you really want to support him, stop. Then get him some help. If it's obvious he will refuse help, then you have done what you could and need to decide how to proceed with your future.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> That is NOT what I said. Read it again.


That wasn't a reply to what you said. It was a reply to someone else's idea that it's only his problem to deal with and not anyone elses responsibility to help him.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> My exact words were 'if you don't drink any more, then I will give it up to because I know that it would be hard to do if I have drinks in the house' and his response was that he would appreciate it but I shouldn't have to because I'm not the one with the problem. But yet I reiterated to him, that we are a team and this is going to be a team effort. Not just him.


If those were your exact words to him, that's not what you wrote here.

So not going to repost what you said. If that isn't what you meant, ok. Glad you could clear it up.

So, question is, does his work have a program to get him help and his job will be waiting for him when he gets back? My employer has such a program(no, I never needed the program just in case anyone is wondering). They realize people need help to kick an addiction and don't want them fearful of losing their job to ask for the help.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> If those were your exact words to him, that's not what you wrote here.
> 
> So not going to repost what you said. If that isn't what you meant, ok. Glad you could clear it up.
> 
> So, question is, does his work have a program to get him help and his job will be waiting for him when he gets back? My employer has such a program(no, I never needed the program just in case anyone is wondering). They realize people need help to kick an addiction and don't want them fearful of losing their job to ask for the help.


I don't know and I'm honestly afraid to talk to his boss man to let him know that it's that bad. I'm sorry for being grouchy. I'm in the middle of Covid.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Not taking out of context at all. This is what you said, word for word: "I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too."
> 
> So now you say "I told him that if he quits drinking, I won't have any in support of him".....in other words...."I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too."
> 
> ...


I do disagree with the posters, saying it's not my job to do so - If he fails, I fail and vice versa. 


The reality of it all is that - he knows if he quits drinking - he has to give up his guy time because that's what they all day. They go to the bar and drink.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I don't know and I'm honestly afraid to talk to his boss man to let him know that it's that bad. I'm sorry for being grouchy. I'm in the middle of Covid.


Ohh, hope you come out of it alright. Maybe start a thread when all said and done with your experience with it. Would be interesting to hear.

Do you know anyone he works with that knows if there is an addiction help policy?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I do disagree with the posters, saying it's not my job to do so - If he fails, I fail and vice versa.


The reality of it is he has to want to help himself. The posters are right that it isn't your responsibility, but as someone who loves him, you will want to help him. That's how a marriage/partnership works. You help each other.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Ohh, hope you come out of it alright. Maybe start a thread when all said and done with your experience with it. Would be interesting to hear.
> 
> Do you know anyone he works with that knows if there is an addiction help policy?


I absolutely plan on it because sometimes I feel like a lot of the readers on here feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I disagree with that. We have our crap that goes on, we sit and talk about it - and then we ultimately try our hardest to work through it.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I absolutely have to disagree with this. I'm not about dishonesty in my marriage. I told him that I was thinking about doing it and he said that he felt it would be a very good thing because he knows that he is a pain in the ass


I'm glad he's for it. Disclosure / transparency are great. I was afraid you wouldn't go if he said he was against it. 



BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm honestly afraid to talk to his boss man to let him know that it's that bad. I'm sorry for being grouchy. I'm in the middle of Covid.


I'm sorry you are sick. Hope you feel better soon. 

Do not talk to his boss. You talking to his boss is out of bounds. He is an adult. He needs to talk to his boss. Plus when you go to an Al-Anon meeting they will explain that by you fighting his battles for him you are enabling him & are making yourself co-dependent. 



BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I do disagree with the posters, saying it's not my job to do so - If he fails, I fail and vice versa.
> 
> The reality of it all is that - he knows if he quits drinking - he has to give up his guy time because that's what they all day. They go to the bar and drink.


This is why you both need meetings. Him to change his behavior / patterns. You to understand that you do have to let him make his own way & you can't save him from himself. When you step in you are making things worse. It's incredibly hard but you have to let him fail.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I'm glad he's for it. Disclosure / transparency are great. I was afraid you wouldn't go if he said he was against it.
> 
> 
> I'm sorry you are sick. Hope you feel better soon.
> ...


Thank you for this. The other day, he told me that he's afraid that he's going to have to hit rock bottom and I'm going to have to leave for things to really stick and my response - suck it up and just do it already. I'm over the excuses and the crying.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I absolutely plan on it because sometimes I feel like a lot of the readers on here feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I disagree with that. We have our crap that goes on, we sit and talk about it - and then we ultimately try our hardest to work through it.


There is always light at the end of the tunnel and hope for someone dealing with addiction. But they have to want to kick it and they have to take the step to get the help. I understand his fear with his job, but it is a good possibility that his employer has a program for them. It's despicable if someone just wants to let an employee go when they are asking for help.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> There is always light at the end of the tunnel and hope for someone dealing with addiction. But they have to want to kick it and they have to take the step to get the help. I understand his fear with his job, but it is a good possibility that his employer has a program for them. It's despicable if someone just wants to let an employee go when they are asking for help.


I think he's afraid to admit it to anybody outside of the house that he does actually have a problem. And I know that he can kick it - he's been clean from hard drugs for 4 years now.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he's afraid to admit it to anybody outside of the house that he does actually have a problem. And I know that he can kick it - he's been clean from hard drugs for 4 years now.


Well, if the employer has a program, they are only allowed to discuss it with staff. It gets outside the business, the employer could get in some trouble if found out they are the ones that leaked it if he goes to them for help.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he's afraid to admit it to anybody outside of the house that he does actually have a problem ...


My take on ^^this^^ is he's not ready to stop drinking. A.A. meetings are about honesty. The 12 steps are about honesty. And with that comes the need to admit to ourselves - and OTHERS - that our lives have become unmanageable due to our addiction(s).

Again, go over to Sober Recovery and check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics subforum.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Well, if the employer has a program, they are only allowed to discuss it with staff. It gets outside the business, the employer could get in some trouble if found out they are the ones that leaked it if he goes to them for help.





Prodigal said:


> My take on ^^this^^ is he's not ready to stop drinking. A.A. meetings are about honesty. The 12 steps are about honesty. And with that comes the need to admit to ourselves - and OTHERS - that our lives have become unmanageable due to our addiction(s).
> 
> Again, go over to Sober Recovery and check out the Friends and Family of Alcoholics subforum.


Looking at it now! I think i might send this to him. Thank you!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Absolutely. I have told him many times that if he quits drinking, I will too. I even offered to pour out my tea that I bought on Monday that is still in the fridge. It's really not an issue. I don't drink a lot so it really wouldn't be an issue.


if YOU aren’t the one with the problem, stop suggesting this.

if he wants to quit - there are programs for free he can do.

Alcoholics Anonymous could be a consideration. It’s free. He can get to a meeting today. He can ask someone to help him through the steps - and if he’s honest and does ALL the steps - it should completely change his life for the better.

it takes change, willingness to change and brutal honesty. After that a willingness to be helpful to others.

is he willing? Put the action and change part back onto HIM.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

drencrom said:


> While I agree with this, it isn't helping matters if she is allowed to drink. I get that she doesn't drink much, but I imagine it would be damn difficult to quit drinking while another still gets to imbibe once in a while. Not much different than someone trying to lose weight, yet their partner is eating lasagna right in front of them. She said she'd only quit if he does.


Not true, I’ve been sober 14 years. I knew when I quit it was MY issue, not all the people around me. I also knew my family were drinkers - it was only MY responsibility to control MY actions, not theirs.

if someone is drinking - fine - I don’t drink alcohol now - and just because I don’t doesn’t mean others have to quit… especially when they don’t have a problem with alcohol.

I control me. Others do what they want. That’s called respecting others.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

edit: realized the reply wasn't to me.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Not true, I’ve been sober 14 years. I knew when I quit it was MY issue, not all the people around me. I also knew my family were drinkers - it was only MY responsibility to control MY actions, not theirs.
> 
> if someone is drinking - fine - I don’t drink alcohol now - and just because I don’t doesn’t mean others have to quit… especially when they don’t have a problem with alcohol.
> 
> I control me. Others do what they want. That’s called respecting others.


everyone is different, glad you could do it even in the company of others who don't quit.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@BecauseSheWeeps - Like I said, you can learn a great deal on the Friends and Family forum. Your husband could benefit from the forums that address alcohol addiction - there's one for those in recovery and one for those considering recovery.

Keep us posted on how it goes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Beach123 said:


> I control me. Others do what they want. That’s called respecting others.


This was a difficult concept for me to accept. Ultimately, I had to respect my husband's right to drink himself to death. His life. His choice.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I absolutely plan on it because sometimes I feel like a lot of the readers on here feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I disagree with that. We have our crap that goes on, we sit and talk about it - and then we ultimately try our hardest to work through it.
> [/


@BecauseSheWeeps I am married to a high functioning (for now) alcoholic. He has other issues connected to his childhood and uses alcohol to numb the internal turmoil which he refuses to dig deep and overcome. he has been to a myriad of therapists, the last one said there was nothing more she could do with him (I guess cause he wont do the work needed).
Anyway, let me tell you being married to one is hell on earth unless you detach detach detach, it is not your job to make him feel better, get him help etc. That is his job. He can go to AA (you can go to AlAnon ) because all of the family (including kids) are affected, it is a family disease.
Yes he will cry and make lots of promises and go out at night and break the promises made. You yourself have to ensure you are not co-dependent (covering for him, etc) Read Co-Dependent No more by Malorie Beattie. If something happens due to his drinking let him suffer the consequences. I now refuse to do anything to assist my H if he has got sloshed, I simply walk away, I wont cover for him, make his life easier, clean up his messes, nada. He knows that and sees it and it has helped for him to be more responsible. Recently he was drink driving and in our country, drink/driving laws are strict. i told him if he gets caught i will not be coming to bail him out, he can ask others as i sure wont.
There is a good online site called *SoberRecovery.Com* found here The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com and one of the pages is for family/friends of alcoholics. It has helped me a lot on my journey to detaching. 
Another useful site is based in the UK called *Bottled Up*. Bottled Up – Help for your alcoholic and help for yourself
The cohosts, one an ex alcoholic the other his wife who suffered with her former husbands alcoholism. The blogs, videos, etc. are all very useful practical information.
Just remember your H is an addict. Like all addicts his first love is the bottle. He will make promises which he will believe himself at the time but will break them, the bottle comes first.
He must join a programme such as AA and stop going to bars as temptation is a huge factor. You should not have alcohol in the house either. However, he must want to do it for himself. There is no point in you threatening, etc. In the meantime, work on yourself. You are going through trauma with his behaviour and possibly emotional neglect as an alcoholic is never really present emotionally, they are unable to. It took me years to realise that I just soldiered on much to my own detriment. Now I take care of me and my side of the road. Find out as much as you can about problem drinking/alcoholism. Knowledge is power. The downside is that he can get better or he wont and if the latter, then do you really want to stay with someone who cannot meet your needs. I stayed and did so for other reasons but I wouldn't call what we have a marriage simply a living arrangement.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Thank you so much for the advice, everybody!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

Well, it may not seem like much to you - but it's a huge step for me. I think I only seen my husband drink maybe 3 beers yesterday? And that's huge compared to the 12 that he normally, typically drinks. I asked him what he wanted to drink for dinner, and he said a drink but to bring him a pop instead. I bought him an 18 pack of Mountain Dew on Wednesday and it's already gone. So he is making steps. His biggest worry is that he needs to find something to drink before bed besides alcohol and pop. He's working on changing his habits. One step, one day at a time.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

aine said:


> @BecauseSheWeeps I am married to a high functioning (for now) alcoholic. He has other issues connected to his childhood and uses alcohol to numb the internal turmoil which he refuses to dig deep and overcome. he has been to a myriad of therapists, the last one said there was nothing more she could do with him (I guess cause he wont do the work needed).
> Anyway, let me tell you being married to one is hell on earth unless you detach detach detach, it is not your job to make him feel better, get him help etc. That is his job. He can go to AA (you can go to AlAnon ) because all of the family (including kids) are affected, it is a family disease.
> Yes he will cry and make lots of promises and go out at night and break the promises made. You yourself have to ensure you are not co-dependent (covering for him, etc) Read Co-Dependent No more by Malorie Beattie. If something happens due to his drinking let him suffer the consequences. I now refuse to do anything to assist my H if he has got sloshed, I simply walk away, I wont cover for him, make his life easier, clean up his messes, nada. He knows that and sees it and it has helped for him to be more responsible. Recently he was drink driving and in our country, drink/driving laws are strict. i told him if he gets caught i will not be coming to bail him out, he can ask others as i sure wont.
> There is a good online site called *SoberRecovery.Com* found here The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com and one of the pages is for family/friends of alcoholics. It has helped me a lot on my journey to detaching.
> ...


Thank you for this. I had to bring myself back to this to read it again as I had a very rough night. I'm going to start reading the book TODAY and I'm going to the soberrecovery website right now to get in to that forum because I am at my witts end.


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