# Seeking advice on strengthening self-confidence with relationships.



## Captiosus (May 25, 2009)

Hi all. This is my first post here and I apologize in advance if it's long. One of my long time problems with forums is I tend to get quite verbose. 

I've been grappling with insecurities and problems with confidence in relationships for a number of years and I've never really discussed them. I have, on several occasions, discussed them with my wife, but when she repeatedly assures me that they don't bother her, it's hard for me to believe it when she says it.

Allow me to digress some and explain some of our background and current situation (this is the long part!).

My wife and I have been together since 1996 and married since 2001. We knew each other before then, thanks to the world of Computer BBS boards, and were friends, but only saw each other rarely (once a month or so, at best, at big social gatherings). In both of our cases, our previous relationships ended due to infidelity. In my case, it was a long time girlfriend and when my previous relationship came to an end, it shook my confidence in relationships to the core. 

When, a year later, I found out that my friend - the woman who later became my wife - was being packed up and shipped home by her husband who "no longer wanted her", I rushed to her side because I knew how that felt and I wanted to be there for her. Not in a romantic or sexual way, but as a trusted friend. That act of compassion essentially spring-boarded our relationship. She didn't immediately start dating me -- in fact it was about 6 months later when we started seeing each other, but we were in frequent contact while she was away and trying to get life sorted out.

When my wife and I got together, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Typical new couple behavior, I suppose. But over the years, I've gotten a much different mindset about sex: It's simply not as important to me now as it used to be when I was younger, and I never married her just because of it. Due to this, and a back injury in 1999 which left me with bowel (and, subsequently, anxiety) problems, it's not uncommon for us to go months without sex. It's not that I don't have the desire, but rather it's just not as important (she has echoed this sentiment, as well) and sometimes it's hard to get our bodily schedules on the same page.

Two years after my back injury, the complications of it started causing severe problems, which I won't get into as they're not pleasant. It's caused me to lose two jobs, and, ultimately, has turned me into an agoraphobe. This means she is the sole earner in the family, a fact I'm personally not happy with but without insurance we're stuck. She says she understands the situation but in the last couple of years she's started complaining more about wishing we had a house, or wishing we had a better car, or wishing she didn't have to work.

All the insecurities I've tried to get over for the last 13 years have started to creep back in. I worry she's unhappy (even though she says she isn't). I worry she'll find someone else and leave me (again, even though she says she won't). I do believe her when she says she'd never sexually cheat on me because we've both been hurt in that regard and I don't think either of us want to cause that kind of pain to anyone.

I love her now far more than I did in 1996 but I just cannot seem to shake 13 year old problems with my confidence. Frankly, I feel like I'm at my wits end and am clueless on how to feel more secure with myself in the relationship.

Any advice on what I can do is greatly appreciated.

Oddly enough, relationships are the only place I suffer confidence issues. When it comes to work related things (well, when I was employed) or hobbies, my confidence pendulum tends to swing far the other way to almost TOO confident. Go figure.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

It sounds to me that since your injury you have become prone to depression and some other symptoms of depression such as agoraphobia and other anxiety issues. 

Perhaps some counseling, for yourself, and couples couseling will help. I too, suffer from depression and anxiety. It does take its toll on a relationship, and is extremely hard on the person not suffering, as well as on yourself.

See your family doctor and explain what is going on with you. They can perscribe antidepressents or antianxiety medications, and point you in the direction of a therapist/counselour that can help you.

I'm so sorry you are having these issues. And I hope you can find the courage in yourself to get help. It's a difficult step but a necessary and very rewarding one.


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## Captiosus (May 25, 2009)

Sufficiently Breathless said:


> It sounds to me that since your injury you have become prone to depression and some other symptoms of depression such as agoraphobia and other anxiety issues.
> 
> Perhaps some counseling, for yourself, and couples couseling will help. I too, suffer from depression and anxiety. It does take its toll on a relationship, and is extremely hard on the person not suffering, as well as on yourself.
> 
> ...


This may be going off on a tangent, but I just wanted to talk more about this to kind of put some more light on the topic.

To be honest, I don't think I suffer from depression. I have never lost interest in things, I just can't go do them when/if I want to. I have never felt like things are hopeless nor have I struggled to get out of bed or felt like the only solution to anything was to just go sleep and forget the world.

Anxiety, however, is a whole other ball of wax. I know, for a fact, that I suffer from anxiety problems and had, at one point when we could afford it, seen help for it. However, the anxiety issues are a byproduct of the bowel problems (to digress further, the bowel issues I've had since the accident were diagnosed as severe IBS with no set C or D). Treating anxiety alone doesn't fix the anxiety issue because it doesn't treat the bowel issue. 

Even when I was insured, years ago, we couldn't afford for me to see a GI specialist, so the problem has only gotten progressively worse, especially now that I'm uninsured. That, ultimately, is where the agoraphobia comes from: An irrational fear that I'm going to be out somewhere and have a severe IBS episode. The mere thought of walking outside my door _can_, but doesn't always, send me into an anxiety attack so severe I feel like I'm dying. Thankfully, since making some dietary changes (ixnay on the affeinecay) I have reduced the need for my lorazepam tablets considerably.

My wife and I have both tried to find low cost alternatives in the area, but even "low cost" is very cost prohibitive ($300 a month to see a therapist and psychiatrist (that's at the 80% reduced rate), and $250 a month for 4 visits, per month, to a community GP who admitted he could only refer me to a GI specialist not on a reduced payment plan).

It's not that I don't want to do things because I _really_ do. The fact that I cannot doesn't make me sad or feel like things are hopeless. It does, however, make me angry that despite our best efforts over a number of years people like my wife and I are left twisting in the wind.

Sorry for going off on a tangent.


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