# the aftermath of being cheated on and lied to (i hate myself)



## mrthree (May 2, 2013)

Hello all

Im 31 years old and have just come out a 3 year relationship with a 27 year old. 

My Ex cheated on me i forgave her and caught her again and now i hate my self. We have been spit up for 4 months now and im still hurting / hating myself. Im no longer angry at her, i dont crave her love or want to be with her, i stil miss her slightly but id say the over all feeling is deep deep regret and hate for myself in allowing the bad things to happen that did.

My ex and i had a argument in September 2012, 3 days later she had sex with someone in my social circle and started a relationship with him. I had no idea that she had slept with him and spoke to her after less than a week of no contact, said i missed her and she said she missed me. 

We started to see each other again for about 2 weeks, she told me what she wanted for us, how we'd been together for a while and she wanted a future with me and for it to work we'd have to be more open with each other, she said she wanted kids and to settle down and i agreed i wanted the same.

she started to act strangely during this time and kept freaking out crying saying she couldn't do it anymore. We split up again.

She kept phoning and texting me saying she loved me, i told her she needs to work out how she feels, she suggested a couple of weeks downtime so she could think.

after a couple of weeks of confusion and mixed signals She then told me that she had slept with someone else and she couldn't get passed it, and felt to guilty, said that she loved me but she had messed it all up and couldn't go back.

I was devastated by this and didnt know what to do, i ended up saying that we had split up and if it was as she described a one time thing when she was drunk we can get passed it.

Big mistake...

During the next month i was getting mixed signals, from her saying she loved me, missed me, and needed space and even she didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Very very confusing.

Of course i would later discover at this point she was 'hanging out' aka in a new relationship with the guy she slept with.

I finally found out she was with someone else as a friend who i had been seeking support from was at his girl friends birthday party, and she took her new boy friend along. I wasnt there as i was so confused and messed up about it all. 

She phoned me on the monday after the party telling me she wanted to be together still, then my friend phoned me to say that he had to tell me as she had a new bloke...!

I stopped talking to her at this point, felt like a fool as everyone knew apart from me and i was trying to make things work while she was with another guy.

As hard at it was to not talk to her i forced myself, she kept texting me, phoning me saying again she had only slept with him once and only kissed him at the birthday party and it was a mistake.

She then admitted she had been sleeping with him the entire time and she was a horrible person and that she did it to make sure we could never get back together knowing he was going away and wouldn't be about to complicate things.

after a month of no contact she phoned me begging me to give it another go, said she messed up and missed me, that she kept calling him my name by mistake and she realised she couldnt do it anymore.

i said no, but then stupidly agreed if she ended it we could be together, she agreed, but it was delayed a week or so passed and she was still with him, by this point id been so hurt by it all id started to shift my core moral values and let things i have never let happen to me in a relationship before.

At this point she had me saying i loved her and wated her back and she had him, claiming she was being a coward and not wanting to hurt him and have people think she was a slag for leaving him for me.

She said he was leaving for the USA in 7 days and she had to 'do the right thing' and wait till he'd gone, this really destroyed me, i dont know what i was thinking, i actually begged her to not see him and come to see me one night, not cool!

Anyway, he left, that was that we got back together, all seemed ok again, bit weird after the emotional damage... 

Then on facebook i saw lots of interaction, him clicking like on her photos, posts, i said to her i wasnt ok with it, asked her to delete him but she wouldnt. Big fall out, she said she woud but again this took weeks, didnt happen.

when we were in bed one night she was alseep and a usa number called her phone, my brother called me when he was working so knew the over seas area code... googled it to be sure and it was...

confronted her and she admitted to talking to him a few times, said it was him phoning her..

a few weeks later just before xmas when we agreed to spend it at each others family's together, i was at her flat, she got up to go to the gym and i read her facebook messages.

She had been talking to him the entire time, having cyber sex, telling him how much she liked him, planning to get plain tickets and go stay with him, joking about me and how i keep trying to get her back!

i left her messages open, wrote a note and left it on her laptop saying, thanks! have fun with him then...

she phoned me, was crying at my door, begging me to take her back and said it was a big fantasy and a back up for attention in case me and her didnt work out, claimed it was sods law as she was going to stop talking to him as she saw we were going to be ok. 

i said no, it killed me as i loved her so much. 

its now been 4 months since we broke up, one relapse since xmas where we went out a few times and had sex, but i couldn't deal with what i read on Facebook, it would never be the same, it was horrible....

she still phones me, texts me saying she loves me, but its all irrelevant she is now going traveling, leaves in 3 weeks, Australia for 6 months.

She said to me a few weeks ago she wanted to give it another go when she gets back, hoped the time apart would act as a reset button... 

ive ignored all her calls and texts, but i bumped into her in the city yesterday and she came over when i was sat in a park and she was trying to talk to me, telling me she loved me, trying to find out what id been up to, saying she wants to check in with me and stay in touch while shes in australia.

Saying she misses me, thinks about me all the time and wants to see me before she goes.

i since found out shes having sex with another new guy.

Yes i cant trust her, she's lied to me allot, ive been a fool! but i hate my self, so much... cant believe id let someone treat me so badly. I have no interest in woman or sex, and am pretty messed up.

ive had a series of counseling sessions but i still hate myself, something ive never had trouble with before.

love is blind, but i want to forgive myself some how and move on

help!!!!!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You don't need help---you have known what to do, the whole time----it just took her being "dissing" you so badly---that YOU finally woke up

Guess what---there are thousands, no millions of other women out there---and a whole lot of them---ARE NICE CARING WONDEFUL WOMEN----Did you know that!!!!!!!

Time to delete this lowlife from your life, and move on!!!!!!


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

The problem is that you haven't shut her out of your life. You keep getting reminded of the same pain over and over again. End the contact completely so you can heal and move on with your life.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You have no reason to hate yourself. A man who loves a woman puts his faith and trust in her as you did. That's not hateful. Not at all.

She broke your trust. It happens hundreds of times each week all over the world. It happens to men. It happens to women. In too many cases it happens years after vows have been exchanged and children borne into a seemily secure family. Those are the worst. 

Fall to you knees and thank your favorite diety that you didn't marry this child and start a family. Pray too that the poor devil she weds has the strength to withstand the sh1tstorm that she will vist on him.

There are probably dozens of eligible young women with hearts of gold who live within walking distance. Don't judge merely on looks. Get to know a few of these women. They aren't hard to find. 

40 yrs from now, you'll be lovingly bouncing a grandchild on your knee as your faithful wife looks on. You won't remember this girl, what she looked like, or what she did. Furthermore you won't care because your life turned around.

You'll be okay.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

A betrayer is like an alcoholic in that "once a betrayer, always a betrayer".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The Problem is that she is a lying tramp!

Stop wasting you precious life on trash like her. Let some looser waste his time on her. You my friend need to spend you the chasing quality women, not tramps little girls.

I would post her on cheaterville.com so other blokes can be warned,


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Forget about this dumb b$itch!! Sounds like you gave her chance after chance. She took your kindness for weakness, she does not deserve to be with you. Move on man try the 180. Better yourself. Hit the gym take out your anger there, it makes great fuel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She clearly is getting off screwing other guys and knowing that she could still get you to say you loved her and wanted her back. It is big ego boost for her that no matter how much she ****s on you she can still make you want her.

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes on how little respect she has for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough!!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

dude, you know what you have to do..... why even ask?

the reason she keeps cheating on you is because you ALWAYS take her back. you allow her to cuckold you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As other's have said, don't feel bad about yourself. If gave it a go and it did not work out. You were honorable. She was not.

Now you need to establish NO CONTACT with her. If she comes up to you in public just tell her that you do not want to talk to her. Walk away. 

Do not answer her phone calls. If she calls you from a number that you do not recognize, when you hear her voice say "Do not call me." and hang up.

You need to end all contact with this toxic, abusive woman.

Give yourself some time to heal. Then find a good woman. Be happy.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Act like a [email protected]#ch, get treated like a [email protected]#ch. Move on. She is not the last women on earth.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are her back up plan not OM. She is keeping you in her bait till she find a suitable one for her.

Stop all contact with her, 
Get tested for STDs and send her the copy of the bill.
Expose her to your friends and family.

She is not worthy of your love, someone nice is waiting for that love.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Take heart. You are one of the few good men out there. At one point or another, good-hearted people land themselves into relationships with unscrupulous people. If the lessons are learned the first time, then there usually isn't a repeat. 

It sounds like she has used you recklessly and carelessly. Finding her words about you on FB, is in and of itself a miracle. You saw first-hand the contents of her heart. Her coming back to you over and over is to use you to bolster her own value in the eyes of other men, you are the cheese she dangles before them to keep them interested in her. Herself as a woman, isn't of much value to any man unless they have a perception that they have competition. Bingo, you are it! You cant change that she is THAT broken. 

You are aware of how this relationship has affected your core values. You hate yourself for compromising them. Your compass for love has been affected by lust. You have been tested. This is a test, that's all it is. Your job now is to re-reinforce your core values. Hopefully this relationship has not been a pattern for you but a one time event. You must determine to learn from it. It has forced you to assess your own self worth. Taking an inventory of finer qualities and the ones that aren't, is where you are at. 

The pain is part of the journey my friend. The pain is the crossroad we all travel to being a better "you". You are a good man, made for great things. Ride it out and feel it, it's not going to kill you, it rather strengthens you.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Just be thankful you found out about what she is really like now, rather than 20plus years down with road with children of your own. She made her decision to disrespect you a long time ago. 

Its been four months. Probably long months. Get out and start meeting some other, new, wonderful women that deserve you!! It will do wonders for your ego and self esteem, you will soon forget about her.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

This woman doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like a piece of sh*t. She will continue to play you like she has been. She is toxic and will destroy you. End it permanently, is my advice.

She sounds like a horrible person.


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

Move on, move on to better things, an honest relationship with somebody who values you. You deserve so much better


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Change your number. Remove any other means of contacting you. You'll heal in time. You just need to end contact.


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## mrthree (May 2, 2013)

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone, really appreciate it.

In 21 days she will be on the other side of the world which will make things a damn sight easyer.

I worry the countdown is going to resort in her needing to get attention of me to help the stress, who knows?!?!

Just hoping to forgive myself as this is the only abusive relationship i have ever been in.

My previous GF was a polar opposite and i was with her for 6 years, over correction etc


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mrthree said:


> Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone, really appreciate it.
> 
> In 21 days she will be on the other side of the world which will make things a damn sight easyer.
> 
> ...


It is not your fault. 

Given to a normal woman, your love would be fine. But she's not normal, is she?

Which part of the UK are you in?

BTW if you are renting could you move before she gets back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

What they said....

Anyway, take heart that you found out about this before marriage and kids. I know that may not make you feel any better but at the very least, you don't have to worry about your assets being frittered away or being forced into being a cuckold by the fear of that happening.

The point that everyone here is making is that you have to get this broad out of your life, STAT. But her on permanent ice; ignore the e-mails, texts, and phone calls. If you see her approaching, go in the opposite direction as if she has the ebola virus. If she keeps making unannounced visits to your place, move or put a restraining order to keep her away. The longer you keep this woman around, the chances of you one day knocking her up and having to go to that human minefield known as family court goes up; WAY UP. 

She only wants you around as an ego boost, a time/space filler until she finds a 'real man' she want to latch herself on to. Then, she'll drop you like a lead brick and laugh at your past overtures of getting her back while riding the new guy like a pony 203 times a week.

Get her out of your life permanently and move on. For the love of Pete...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm usually not the type to read something and react as badly to it as when I read your post. You don't need a 2x4, you need a wrecking ball upside your head.

Co-dependent, needy, clingy, little boy.

Do you know what angers me the most? The diseases you might be exposing yourself too. That's the rest of your life in some cases, some disease there are no cures for, just maintenance of the quality of life. I'm not saying she's dirty, but you're playing russian roulette with a woman who sleeps with multiple partners then comes to you.

What do you think she'll be doing in Oz? Screwing around again. Man grow up and stop acting like a little child. Love is not blind, in your case just plain dumb. Plenty of women out there you can get with. If you have no self respect to keep running to a woman, begging her to stop screwing a guy so she can come to see you, she says no and when the guy leaves you still get with her.. then have some respect for the people in your life that will always be there for you, your immediate family, before you caught something.

Dear god man, where's your self respect?


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Men admit their mistakes, own their shjt, move on, and share their life lessons with others (includes your kids oneday). As long as you do this dont beat yourself, welcome to the human race, and being a man.

Remember, unconditional love does not exist in romantic relationships, dont ever put another woman on a pedestal (except your mommy), be the man she needs and insist she is the woman you need or move on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

OK, OK.. Calm down. What would you do if it were me in this situation? What would you advise me? Nearly the same thing happened to me, but I could not trust anyone for the truth. So what would you tell me?

The other thing I think you should do is thank her! A short note.

Thank you so much for showing me what not to do. I have learned a lot from this time with you. Goodbye and NEVER speak to me again.

Just my two cents, keep us posted. David


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