# Can a relationship work if you 2 don't share the same political views?



## JW8614 (Sep 8, 2014)

Where do I start...

So my significant other is a staunch Democrat and I am a Republican. He's a little more loyal to his party than I am to mine. I try to be as unbiased as possible, so I'll criticize a Republican if they're wrong (ie Donald Trump). He however never finds fault on the Democratic side.

So this exchange happened this morning and it left me feeling a little uneasy.

He showed me a compilation video of various Fox News anchors saying, in some variation or another, that President Obama was fake crying when he gave his speech on gun control.

After watching the video I said, "Well I kind of agree, because he was wiping away tears before they even came out..."

He flipped out on me for saying that, he refused to watch the original crying video with me, then he immediately claimed the high ground and told me I was a horrible person for thinking that and that I'm not compassionate.

That kinda upset me, but I didn't want to show that I was upset, so I responded, very calmly, saying "well we're all entitled to our own opinions. We're allowed to look at the same video and have two different opinions of it - that's what makes us individuals. Doesn't make me horrible because I don't share your opinion, and you dont have a monopoly on compassion - I'm compassionate too."

So then he says, "Let's just not have this conversation, because it's not gonna end well."

What do you mean by that? We can't disagree without throwing blows?

But I just didn't say anything and decided to just drop it after that, but I still found his anger at my dissent very childish. It's like you cant have a constructive, non-confrontational discussion with him unless you agree with him on everything or else he goes ballistic.

Personally, I like communicating with people who don't share my opinion on everything. How can you grow if everyone agrees with everything thing you have to say.

But back to my question... can a relationship work if you dont share the same political views? And we've been together 3.5 years if it matters....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Let's trade spouses... PLEASE!

My wife is a staunch Democrat, I lean conservative. I'll sit at the dinner table and she'll be talking about how good Democrats are and what a$$holes Republicans are and I'll make one counterpoint and it's on.

Now we avoid political discussions and if she starts ramping up I tell her she better stop before it gets out of hand.

When we were married we were both liberal hippies. I guess I went bad somewhere along the line.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes, of course it can.

Ours has lasted 26 years so far.

Though oddly enough my political views are now much closer to my wife's than I'd have thought possible!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Let's trade spouses... PLEASE!
> 
> My wife is a staunch Democrat, I lean conservative. I'll sit at the dinner table and she'll be talking about how good Democrats are and what a$$holes Republicans are and I'll make one counterpoint and it's on.
> 
> ...


Yeah. You did something your wife failed to do. You matured.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'll let her know you said that. Listen for the explosion.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Personally, I do not think so.

In my mind politics are an expression of closely held beliefs concerning how you view the world.

Disagreeing on the top marginal tax rate is one thing.

Fundamentally disagreeing about the role of traditional values, the role of religion in the world, or abortion, are going to cause long-term problems.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

In my marriage -in terms of political views -we have totally switched places. 

I started out very conservative -she very liberal....I chalk it up to some VERY different experiences over the last 25 years. 

These differences haven't caused us any problems IMO..We can disagree about things without disparaging the other. I guess we just respect and try to understand the others point of view.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree with you 100%, the tears you seen from Obama were fake tears from a fake president.

Having differing political views is tough but can be overcome. Me and my wife are both Republicans although I have some Democratic leanings that I am constantly criticised for. Our differences on virtually everthing else is why we don't work as a couple.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StilltheStudent said:


> Personally, I do not think so.
> 
> In my mind politics are an expression of closely held beliefs concerning how you view the world.
> 
> ...


Only if you let them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'll let her know you said that. Listen for the explosion.


Ready and waiting!

Hang on, does she still look even a *little* like a hippy? 

In that case, she can do no wrong!


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Its similar to religion...for some people it can work.

For me, no. I need to be with someone who shares my views. Its not that I don't respect other people's views...in fact, most of the time, I refuse to discuss politics or religion to respect other people's space....but in my partner, I need a complete soulmate.

For me, my political views are a function of my moral views though. So I definitely need a partner that shares my humanity and morality.

So it really depends on the couple and maybe its a function of how extreme their views are.

By the way, both my husband and I watched the Obama gun-control speech and our eyes watered the exact same way as the President's did when I watched it. Its really hard for me to even watch any coverage of that shooting without my eyes watering. I always imagine my own children and I can't imagine the horror and sadness those parents must go through everyday. I guess I was faking it too though right?

I'm so sick of the nastiness of people. What ever happened to respecting others?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mr H and I have different political leanings but it is not a problem, he is extremely knowledgeable on all aspects of politics and the history of it, we have many a respectful discussion on the topic. A different stance on religion would be a deal breaker for me though.

Having different political views can work just fine, your issues is more to do with lack of respect and his lack of grace to accept you do have different opinions.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I think differing views can survive a relationship, provided neither one of you are particularly vocal about your politics.
I am beyond progressive in my views, and I think my head would explode if I tried to have a intimate relationship with a staunch conservative (no offense to those who are-honestly).

My parents were of differing views and they made it last for 50 years. But my Mom was of an era where women didn't talk about "such things" So, they cancelled out each others votes their entire marriage.
I think its one of those things most people find out their partner before marriage.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

JW8614 said:


> Where do I start...
> 
> So my significant other is a staunch Democrat and I am a Republican. He's a little more loyal to his party than I am to mine. I try to be as unbiased as possible, so I'll criticize a Republican if they're wrong (ie Donald Trump). He however never finds fault on the Democratic side.
> 
> ...


From the sound of it, the fault lies mainly with him. If he had posted, I would start picking on him and suggesting way he could improve. Instead, you posted, so I will do it with you instead. Please, these are thoughts and not to be taken personally. 

He should have left the subject. On the other hand, you were coming at it from a very Fox news point of view. If MSNBC did a compilation making Cruz look stupid, I imagine your reaction would be that is has been something MSNBC contrived rather than "I kinda agree, Cruz is an idiot".

I had an argument with a girlfriend. She was concerned we were lost and wanted to ask directions. I told her I knew where we were going and I was annoyed. I told her not to be so condescending. On first read, I was on the wrong; the directions might well have confirmed where we were going and reassured her. What changes it is that we were in my home town half a mile from the house I grew up in, the suggestion was idiotic and the idea a stranger would be more trust-worth insulting. The relevance in this example may be that he took you taking Fox News as more reliable than him, which would be insulting. Explaining that you disagree on this would therefore not have calmed the fire anymore than my ex-girlfriend calmly explaining that it was perfectly reasonable for her to want to come up with an alternative solution for us being lost. 

Politics is ridiculously tribal in the US, and wasted on the lot that you have to choose from. It has however, become tribal. That you can probably tell who someone will vote from their hobbies shows how deeply personal it has become.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I grew up in a political environment. My father was an elected official in a small but poor county, and we knew some major politicians who are still active in politics at the moment. My brother is extremely right-wing, I am a moderate and independent and don't adhere to one party or the other, and my sister is a centrist, but slightly to the right. When my father was an elected official, he had to sign an oath to run for office in his party and promise to vote a straight ticket, so my Mom would vote for the opposing candidate if my dad had issues with his party's choice. The place where I work is headed up by a former senator and governor who was on the Senate Intelligence Committee and still has ties to Washington, D. C. 

My h has become more extremely right-wing as he has hung out with the folks in OW's family. They have some features in common with parts of my American family, being blue collar and hard working. But I don't remember growing up in an environment where people blindingly and without thought followed a particular position or party without critique. I grew up reading National Review AND the New Republic, and the reason I ended up an independent and probably a little left of center was because the left remained, for a longer period of time, more open to the possibility that there could be truth in the arguments of both sides of the aisle, and the goal was to get to that point and agree on as much as possible. But by describing that, I'm showing my age. I remember when both sides took that approach, and compromise was seen as the goal and good and not moral weakness or a character defect. 

So people can think that Obama was shedding crocodile tears, but I personally think that we wouldn't be dealing with ISIS right now if it were not for George W. Bush and **** Cheney and PNAC and their lies. Now, back in the day, people would have talked about it differently. People would have said, I am concerned about Bush/Cheney and their drive to assume that the solution to the problem is . . . or people might have said, I don't doubt the sincerity of our President's desire for some relief from gun violence and violence in general, but I'm not sure that crying in front of the cameras was terribly effective . . . 

People have become entrenched on both sides of the aisle, based on loyalty to their parties at all costs. I think that people have lost the ability to critique their own parties and that's why we're in the jam we're in, with a weak and ineffective and constantly-feuding Congress. 

But h told me many times that he missed our conversations on the back porch and how much we may have disagreed on certain points but how we so often came to agreement on others. . . because if you actually start to critique our politicians and their parties, they all have a whole lot in common that could be addressed and repaired and they could all do a lot more for our country if they would change the rhetoric and if they would stop treating us all like theirs, and only theirs, is the position that will cosmically set the universe right.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Only if you let them.


Your 12-year old daughter comes to you and your wife asking if getting an abortion is acceptable if she ever runs into that personal crisis.

You are Pro-Choice but your wife is strictly and Religiously Pro-Life.

Easy to not let that become a problem?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Different political views is not the same as different values.

My wife identifies as a Democrat because her father was a staunch JFK Democrat. JFK was, of course, much closer to Reagan than today's Democrat party in his beliefs and policies, but that doesn't matter to my wife. Since she identifies as Democrat, she immediately sides with most any Democrat position, and she'll believe the Democrat or liberal person before believing the Republican or conservative.

While I am a conservative libertarian. I tend to side with the Republican position on things.

Yet our basic values are fairly close. What differs is our view of how to manage things and solve problems.

If your goals and values are the same as your husband, I think you can have a good marriage. If you both want good public education, safe streets, a vibrant economy, the country secure from foreign threats, etc., then you have a lot in common. Neither one of you is "wrong" or "bad" in your basic value compared to the other if you have these common basic values.

What may be quite different would be your world view of things such as basic human nature. I think this is where the R vs D split may be quite large. This certainly seems to be where many differences in policy seem to stem from.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

StilltheStudent said:


> Your 12-year old daughter comes to you and your wife asking if getting an abortion is acceptable if she ever runs into that personal crisis.
> 
> You are Pro-Choice but your wife is strictly and Religiously Pro-Life.
> 
> Easy to not let that become a problem?


I would think that as long as both parents "Pro-Daughter" they could help her make an informed decision.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

They can both be pro-daughter and still have diametrically opposed views on how she should approach such a major life-decision.

In questions of binary realities, things are not simple. If I am pro-gun and my wife is anti-gun, the question of whether or not at the age of 12 my kid and I are going to the shotgun range for their birthday is going to cause major issues.

It might be possible for people whose political views are ancillary to their views on the world, but for anyone who takes their politics seriously, I do not think a Liberal/Conservative coupling is going to work.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

JW8614 said:


> But back to my question... can a relationship work if you dont share the same political views? And we've been together 3.5 years if it matters....


The problem here is that individuals never see how an opinion was reached. One person's reality becomes THE reality. 

How can you possibly believe that welfare should exist or be so large?
or
How can you possibly believe that welfare should be so small?

When one studies Economics to the degree that I have, they will realize that there is no definitive answer or proof to either of those questions. There are objective and subjective statements that economists, politicians and pundits use to get their point across. I'm not ranting, this is actually to answer your question, :wink2:

The most renowned economists argue over the same exact facts, claiming that the facts prove only their viewpoint.

In a relationship...... one should love the person behind the viewpoint. The viewpoint does not define the person, Democrat, Republican or otherwise. When my partner and I discuss politics, we don't agree on much, and that is perfectly fine. Her viewpoint and how she reached it can be enlightening, at minimum. If she says something that I don't agree with. I simply indicate (possibly) that I don't necessarily agree but understand how she arrived at that point. If there is confusion, I always ask her why or how she feels that way. My response is always accepting, not disapproving or in an argumentative stance.

If your partner can't respect you for your viewpoints, then just shrug your shoulders. That mindset and body language strips individuals of negative power.


Relationship Teacher


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

JW8614 said:


> But back to my question... can a relationship work if you dont share the same political views? And we've been together 3.5 years if it matters....


My wife and I have been married a little over 40 years.

She is a conservative Christian. 

I am a liberal, Jewish agnostic. 

These marriages can work (Look at Jim Carville and Mary Matalin) but both parties need to understand that a different viewpoint does not make the other person evil or even necessarily wrong.

Frankly, I think that's a little tougher in today's political climate than it used to be.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I could not because they are too important to me and we'd just fight all the time. We (Canada) just had our election, a lot of people on FB talking about having different views than their spouse. Me and H agree on pretty much everything and even the parts we don't there is at least middle ground and not complete opposites. 

TBH- I unfriended a few on my FB list that had drastically different views than me (refugees, politics in general, etc) so there's no way I could live with one. I need to respect someone's life views and I don't with a lot of the other side.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

How is a persons view on abortion a political view? Is this how it is in America?

Genuine question as in Aussie it would be seen as a moral/ethical POV not a political one.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Holland said:


> How is a persons view on abortion a political view? Is this how it is in America?
> 
> Genuine question as in Aussie it would be seen as a moral/ethical POV not a political one.


Which is the hub of the matter and says something about political alignment in the USA.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Holland said:


> How is a persons view on abortion a political view? Is this how it is in America?


It's a highly charged political topic here in the U.S. because conservative and liberal viewpoints (As we understand them here) are diametrically opposed on this question.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

StilltheStudent said:


> They can both be pro-daughter and still have diametrically opposed views on how she should approach such a major life-decision.
> 
> In questions of binary realities, things are not simple. If I am pro-gun and my wife is anti-gun, the question of whether or not at the age of 12 my kid and I are going to the shotgun range for their birthday is going to cause major issues.
> 
> It might be possible for people whose political views are ancillary to their views on the world, *but for anyone who takes their politics seriously*, I do not think a Liberal/Conservative coupling is going to work.


Maybe that is the problem.....people take politics more seriously than they should. I get it...it can be way easier to focus on some big picture issue that they, alone, will have little to no effect on. Than it is to focus on real connection with those closest to us. 

Our differences, really, are very small...our similarities, though...are large and deep- maybe to the bone. We, all of us, will tend to exaggerate a difference- no matter how insignificant- instead of focusing on the similarities in our beliefs....and using those similarities as a means of closer connection. 

In terms of the possibly pregnant daughter and opposing view parents...when i wrote "pro-Daughter"...I mean -parents that are willing to explain their own views and then ENCOURAGE their child to make up her own mind...form her own beliefs (with input from the parents as she requests it) as an independent entity capable of critical thinking and aware of the consequence of any action she chooses. In essence as the responsible person she has no choice but to become. 

Then they love her without regard to the choice she makes. That is being "pro-Daughter" IMO


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Difference in politics are ok but I'm a Green Bay Packer fan and if my wife ever rooted for the damn Cowboys I'd divorce her immediately!

There are some things in life that you just don't tolerate.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I could not because they are too important to me and we'd just fight all the time. We (Canada) just had our election, a lot of people on FB talking about having different views than their spouse. Me and H agree on pretty much everything and even the parts we don't there is at least middle ground and not complete opposites.
> 
> TBH- I unfriended a few on my FB list that had drastically different views than me (refugees, politics in general, etc) so there's no way I could live with one. I need to respect someone's life views and I don't with a lot of the other side.


I agree whole heartedly with this, even though I suspect we are on opposite sides of the fence.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Holland said:


> How is a persons view on abortion a political view? Is this how it is in America?
> 
> Genuine question as in Aussie it would be seen as a moral/ethical POV not a political one.


Because in the USA, we have been debating whether or not it should be legal for the last forty years. It's a favorite campaign issue, even more than guns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Holland said:


> How is a persons view on abortion a political view? Is this how it is in America?
> 
> Genuine question as in Aussie it would be seen as a moral/ethical POV not a political one.


 A person's view is not necessarily political it is ethical, moral and/or religious. The discussion about allowing, banning, laws, legislating a woman's body, constitutional amendments and who you elect to enforce your moral/ethical views are what make it political.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> A person's view is not necessarily political it is ethical, moral and/or religious. The discussion about allowing, banning, laws, legislating a woman's body, constitutional amendments and who you elect to enforce your moral/ethical views are what make it political.


OK yes although it comes across from comments online that some people make their political party choice based on this issue, is that how it works?

Here issues such as abortion are bipartisan.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Holland said:


> OK yes although it comes across from comments online that some people make their political party choice based on this issue, is that how it works?


I hope this doesn't come across as too philosophical (--I've had a long, long time to think about it ....)

There are two basic approaches to "fairness" in human relations: Rules based and Outcome based.

Rules based people think things are fair when everybody follows the same rules. Outcome based people think things are fair when everybody experiences the best possible outcome. 

When it comes to abortion, conservatives believe that you made your choice at the moment you decided to have sex. (Rules based) Liberals believe that the quality of life of everyone involved is important and that bringing a child into a life of poverty or even abuse is not necessarily a good thing. (Outcome based.)

The two views are also critical in deciding at what point life begins. Does it begin at conception or does it begin at the point of fetal viability?

People in the U.S. don't pick their political party based on abortion. --It just naturally aligns with the two worldviews.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I hope this doesn't come across as too philosophical (--I've had a long, long time to think about it ....)
> 
> There are two basic approaches to "fairness" in human relations: Rules based and Outcome based.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking time to explain  I think here a lot of people are more fluid in their political alignment and are more policies/ economics/ environmental issues etc based. Issues such as abortion are not as hot topics generally.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think it comes down first to core values and then the outward expression of them. Political views are the outward expression. If your SO was mine that little dig about "better stop now" would have been red meat. I would have stopped them in their tracks and said "oh I think we both regret that little dig right now, the only question is how much YOU will regret it later." You see self respect and mutual respect are also core values and are never political. What he said was out of bounds period. 

The first person I voted for in a presidential election was Jerry Brown. The biggest vote I regret for president was for Jimmy Carter. I have matured into a somewhat conservative person whose biggest problem with many govement programs is the same as I have with open marriages. Neither works, most people involved are in a far worse place then before and the only ones that benefit are the opportunist. 
.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> In terms of the possibly pregnant daughter and opposing view parents...when i wrote "pro-Daughter"...I mean -parents that are willing to explain their own views and then ENCOURAGE their child to make up her own mind...form her own beliefs (with input from the parents as she requests it) as an independent entity capable of critical thinking and aware of the consequence of any action she chooses. In essence as the responsible person she has no choice but to become.
> 
> Then they love her without regard to the choice she makes. That is being "pro-Daughter" IMO


Maybe it's just because I live in the Bible Belt, but I don't know any pro-lifers that would be accepting of their daughter having an abortion. Girls here often get disowned for that.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Holland said:


> How is a persons view on abortion a political view? Is this how it is in America?
> 
> Genuine question as in Aussie it would be seen as a moral/ethical POV not a political one.


Perhaps the Aussie equivalent would be to try to explain to an American why whether you play rugby with 13 or 15 people can be an emotive issue (apologies if you have no interest in sport or are not from NSW or Queensland).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

OpenWindows said:


> Maybe it's just because I live in the Bible Belt, but I don't know any pro-lifers that would be accepting of their daughter having an abortion. Girls here often get disowned for that.


That's just sad.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Perhaps the Aussie equivalent would be to try to explain to an American why whether you play rugby with 13 or 15 people can be an emotive issue (apologies if you have no interest in sport or are not from NSW or Queensland).


Not from NSW or QLD, am a Victorian and have Aussie Rules footy in my blood. Yes here we are born with our team and most would have the same team till death. I would never marry a man that followed certain teams >


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

It depends on what's important to you. I volunteered for the Obama campaign in 2008, a couple years later I started dating a woman who told me she voted for McCain. We stayed together. Generally the worst that would happen was that one of us would go on and on about our individual point of view. A couple years after that I married her. In 2014 I actually voted for a Republican for Congress. She hasn't voted since 2008. As a lowercase d democrat, I wish she would participate but I also support her right not to.

Others have mentioned lifestyle differences that tend to go with the political differences. Some people have those, some don't. I was pretty environmentally conscious, she wasn't. There were arguments I'm not proud of. We moved to the middle. I eventually ceased to be vegetarian, she moved somewhere that allows for lower fossil fuel usage than where she was living before. 

There is no requirement for a couple to discuss politics. However, if he wants to have a discussion with you he should have one instead of picking a fight.

There's an epic thread in Politics and Religion about this, but do you guys disagree about guns? If you like having them for sport or protection while he would prefer strict controls and no guns in the house, I can see how this news event would turn into an argument.

How old are you guys?


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> Let's trade spouses... PLEASE!
> 
> My wife is a staunch Democrat, I * lean conservative*. I'll sit at the dinner table and she'll be talking about how good Democrats are and what a$$holes Republicans are and I'll make one counterpoint and it's on.
> 
> ...


You're in Boston, so I'll take *this* to mean you're somewhere to the right of Barney Frank >


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