# home for the holidays



## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

My wife walked out two weeks ago. I wouldn't be surprised if she's bipolar or something. She's also very very self centred and thinks she can pretty much just use me. 

What happened was she wanted me to do a favor for her and I said no because she'd been such a jerk the night before. And so she said she's moving out, packed a bag and left. I figure it's an attempt to try and make me feel guilty and to 'punish' me ('he'll be sorry for this'). 

A few days go by and she says nothing, and for the first time in all the years we've been married, this time I don't go after her and make everything better. She's done the whole "I'm leaving" thing many times before, each time it gets bigger like she's been trying it on for size. I've always gone after her in the past. This time I've not, first time in 10 years. 

So then a few days later she messaged me hostile blaming messages to tell me how it's all my fault. I notice that all the hostile things she says she herself is doing; ie you're such a victim, you're so mean and so on. I just return it back but she can dish it, but not take it. Then I don't bother anymore after a few days of this because it goes no where. Nothing she says makes sense. 

A few days later she messages that she wants to talk. I respond that I'm willing to message for a bit. The blaming starts up again and I tell her I'm going.. she says wait. I say that I require to go forward we will meet with a MC again. She agrees and acts like she's surprised I'm willing to, which is BS because I've been saying for months it's necessary. So we agree to go for more MC and don't talk for a few more days.

Then a few more days go by and she messages about wanting her stuff. I ignore it and suddenly I get more and more messages and she starts phoning for the first time. She has almost nothing to say to me for weeks, but big suprise when she needs/wants something she's desperate to communicate with me suddenly. I've just ignored it because no better response comes to mind right now. It's so dumb... because she could have just come home at any point but she hasn't. 


Now I know she's already made plans to be with her family for christmas. And I'm trying to make mine to travel to be with family over the holidays. 

I'm worried that while I'm gone she might get movers and try to clear out the house. 

Should I change front door lock? If I change the lock could she just call a locksmith to open it? 

And if she asks to or tries to come back, she's most likely going to try to avoid being responsible for any of the damage she's caused. She'll call it a 'misunderstanding' and have absolutely no remorse. I can't just let her renter the home and continue on acting like everything is back to normal. 

Other than the MC, what should I do? Require her to stay separated (ie. you chose this now stick with it). Allow her home but have separate rooms? 

Any thoughts or suggestions?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

outNabout said:


> My wife walked out two weeks ago. I wouldn't be surprised if she's bipolar or something. She's also very very self centred and thinks she can pretty much just use me.


Where did she ever get that idea?


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Where did she ever get that idea?


Not sure what you're getting at, but she often acts like she thinks that way. Too often our relationship is about her getting what she wants, when she wants, how she wants. Sometimes it seems like each day is a struggle to keep her in balance and make the relationship fair to both of us.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

outNabout said:


> Not sure what you're getting at, but she often acts like she thinks that way. Too often our relationship is about her getting what she wants, when she wants, how she wants. Sometimes it seems like each day is a struggle to keep her from steam rolling over me.


If you want to know who taught her to treat you that way, you don't have to look very far.

She's done nothing to you that you did not permit.

Read this...

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

Going forward I can't let her be coming and going 'at her convenience' and when it works for her. What kind of boundaries can I/ should I establish if she tries to return?


She's a classic WAW where actions speak louder than words. People often say, I'll believe it when I see it", because all too often the words coming from an unreliable spouse are just hot air. 

Its sure interesting is how often the WAW pattern is consistent. Yes you can say it's true of anyone so self-centred they say or do whatever they want at the moment to fulfil their immediate needs regardless of how it makes others feel. It can be applied to liars, manipulators and narcissists. But I keep reading the same characteristics of the classic WAW. 

- Inherently untrustworthy. And looking back she "checked out" of the marriage long ago. Had little interest for repairing it. She's just not committed to making the marriage work. This makes it very hard to ever trust her. At any moment she continues to not be honest about her intentions in the marriage and is thinking about leaving (again), or she's saying shes "done", and walking out (again). She uses the threat of ending the relationship as a tactic. She abandons the relationship as a 'punishment'.

- Yet she keeps claiming much "she'd give everything" and "tried so hard to make it work". But she can't even be bothered to take the initiative to set aside some quality time together, make an appointment for us to see the MC or try to show any affection. She's plays the victim. 

- She remains in the relationship for a time, but you can see the signs she has little desire to invest in the relationship she is abandoning. She keeps revisiting the idea that the relationship is failed, and then remaking the decision to abandon the marriage. 


- She leaves as soon as she thinks she can find a good enough reason to emotionally justify blaming me for the failed marriage. She's been saving and hiding money, shes now got her new career. But she just sticks around long enough to get her needs fulfilled and supported through school.

- She "sweeps under the rug" any concerns I raise, and returns to her own. If she crosses the line she tries to avoid admitting it, no matter how much of jerk she's been. No acknowledgement, remorse or apology offered for anything she does. No effort to make right, only hostility showing her feelings matter most of all. She has little apparent interest in repairing the relationship issues. 


- She'll stick around only if she's convinced enough that I'll work for plan B while she's out there working on plan A. 
Day to day she just keeps moving onto her next personal fun thing of interest, that increasingly doesn't involve you as a couple.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like your focus is completely on her.


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