# New to this



## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

:smile2:

Hello everyone,
Here is a little story and I need some help.
As we all are, I am human and feel a little insecure sometimes.
My fiancé and I have been together about a year and have had a split up. we just got back together.
because of past issues we decided to not get onto facebook, well... a few days ago I got on behind his back and made sure he didn't have one/ which made me happy.. I didn't tell him & he seen the login facebook page on our mutual computer.. I didn't delete it from the history, but I now see that I was being unfair.

He isn't upset because I got on.. he is upset that I was going behind his back to check up on him. any advice? I really don't want to lose him because I was being deceitful.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Welcome! What past issues have you had? I think it has a bearing on your story and why you felt the need to double check. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

well, thankfully this is anonymous.
we separated in july and he started seeing someone else, he lied about it and was seeing me at the same time.
I stayed single and devoted to him.. she contacted me while they were together and we found out that he was seeing us both.
In January we made it official again & have been doing so good.. I was just trying to watch myself this time & I feel so stupid.
I don't know how to fix it.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

I honestly don't take it as a big deal, but he is very upset & acting different.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So he's lied to you in the past, and now he's upset that you don't believe him and feel the need to check up on him?? Really? Holy crap.

RUN. Far and fast.

You are worth FAR more than this.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow, 3 questions in one. And not easy ones.

First insecurity. You say that all humans are insecure. This is mostly true. One of the very few instincts we are born with is the instinct to reach for something when we fall. We want to be secure, we want to trust and rely on others. It is out reactions to insecurity that get us in trouble. There are relationship healthy reactions to insecurity, and there are relationship unhealthy ways to react to insecurity. Your reaction was reasonable and not very unhealthy. It could have been better.

Second Social media and relationships. Like many people you two have discovered the hard way that social media can lead to relationship problems. I respect your choice to remove it from your life. But it is not that social media is evil, it is what you do with it. Now there are some forms of social media that are evil, but Facebook is just a tool, used properly it doesn't endanger you.

Last Snooping. This is something that has really flared up in your generation. back in my day it was assumed that in a committed relationship (engagement and marriage) there were no secrets. Now the right to privacy has extended to the point that an adulterous spouse is less guilty than a spouse who reads their partners email. I think that we have come the wrong way. 

Your three questions are of course related. The binding principle is TRUST. Trust is the stuff that relationships are made of. You feel insecure because your trust isn't strong enough. You feel more insecure because trust was violated. You have removed Facebook from your lives because you don't trust yourselves or each other to use it safely. You snooped on Facebook because you needed verification for your trust (reaching out for support when you were falling). He is upset because you don't trust him yet. He is not sure he can trust someone that doesn't trust him. 

To him, Trust does not snap back it takes time and Proof to grow back.

To you, it is ok to "trust but verify". There is no reason to do it behind his back. Tell him you are checking. Let him be there when you do. For him this is "heavy lifting" that is required to repair relationships.

Note: I typed this while the previous responses were being posted.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

I honestly tried to move on in the past. He is very hard to read, but loves deep. He deserves a great woman and I feel like I am not giving him a real chance. I am hopelessly devoted! ughh! love sucks!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> well, thankfully this is anonymous.
> we separated in july and he started seeing someone else, he lied about it and was seeing me at the same time.
> I stayed single and devoted to him.. she contacted me while they were together and we found out that he was seeing us both.
> In January we made it official again & have been doing so good.. I was just trying to watch myself this time & I feel so stupid.
> I don't know how to fix it.


Here's how you fix it...

Dump him.

Out of curiosity, why did the two of you separate/break up back in July?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> :smile2:
> 
> Hello everyone,
> Here is a little story and I need some help.
> ...


Easy.

Explain to him everything...

What you felt.
Why you "had to" do it.
Explain that you realize that you made a mistake. 
Ask him about his thoughts and feelings, and listen, listen, listen.

Let him get mad. Let him explain everything back to you. No begging. No pleading. If he says "you shouldn't have done that." Well, you already said as much, so you can nod and/or say I agree. Leave your responses quick and to the point. Don't bring up other issues at this time, either. Your explanation is enough, with you not acting on insecurity, in the future. This can end as soon as you own it and let him own his being upset.

It is not uncommon for an individual to draw out the apology/forgiveness process for as long as one person will keep apologizing, all to manipulate the situation to their advantage. It is a commonly used urge.

Don't assume the role of policeman/woman. Not worth it.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

wow mr. nail!!!! thankyou incredibly!  you give me hope.
do you have any advice on how to fix this and prove it to him?
I will discuss this with him fully tonight, I just want the best approach possible. mr. nail, you hit the nail right on the head I believe.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honestly, checking on him for a while after what he pulled is natural.

He doesn't sound mature enough to own his behavior.

You can do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

thankyou relationship teacher, I am so glad people are actually giving great advice and not just telling me to give up


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How old are you both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Easy.
> 
> Explain to him everything...
> 
> ...


Excuse me, but wtf kind of advice is THIS?!?!

The guy CHEATED on her, and SHE is supposed to ask for forgiveness for checking up on him afterwards? wtf??


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

im 25 he is 30


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> thankyou relationship teacher, I am so glad people are actually giving great advice and not just telling me to give up


Look, if you really want to spend the rest of your life being lied to and cheated on, go ahead and listen to the crappy advice telling you to do so.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> thankyou relationship teacher, I am so glad people are actually giving great advice and not just telling me to give up


Geez.

By choosing to continue in a relationship w/ someone whose commitment to you doesn't match your commitment to him, you're giving up on something far more important...

...your dignity.

You can either end things now or continue to limp along emotionally for the next few months or years until you finally reach your breaking point.

Should you opt for the latter, I hope you'll have learned quite a bit more about your worth between now and then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

Thankyou honestly to everyone. I believe that there is good in everyone and I appreciate every piece of advice on here, truthfully I didn't know where else to turn without judgement. its easier to vent to complete strangers than have judgement and harsh feelings in the family.

I want to know ways to build trust back for us both.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

All I can say is if you don't trust him then is it really worth it? You need to figure that out before you walk down that aisle. Believe me you don't want to end up 35 with kids and never fully trusting him. It's a crappy way to live.


Sent from my iPhone


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> Thankyou honestly to everyone. I believe that there is good in everyone and I appreciate every piece of advice on here, truthfully I didn't know where else to turn without judgement. its easier to vent to complete strangers than have judgement and harsh feelings in the family.
> 
> *I want to know ways to build trust back for us both.*


Well, to start -- complete and total transparency.

As long as both of you are willing to commit to that, you have a shot.

And I have to say... your devotion to him in spite of the fact that he was running around on you seems a bit odd.

Why did you initially break up back in July?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

I have been in many failed relationships, all others were my fault.. I was not a good person before, that is why I know exactly what could be going on but to see that there is absolutely nothing/ made me trust him more. but I didn't think of the fact that it could backfire on me.. I love this man ridiculously, I have never cared about a man before! For some reason, this one has a huge hold on me. he made a mistake in the past and owned up to it. I give him props, he is one hell of a man all around, we just hit a speed bump. I am 25 with 3 children and one of them is his. I will not walk down the aisle until things are proven to be better. thanks citygirl4344


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

hey Gus, I believe that true love can stand in the rain.
We split up because I didn't pull my weight in the relationship. I was a completely different person.. didn't have a job, sat at home all day and all I did was cook and clean. stress overwhelmed us and we fought a lot!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> I have been in many failed relationships, all others were my fault..


Were you in these relationships by yourself? Unless you were, I highly doubt that their failure was all your fault and only your fault. Quit taking the blame for everything for crying out loud!!!



FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> I was not a good person before, that is why I know exactly what could be going on but to see that there is absolutely nothing/ made me trust him more.


So by 'absolutely nothing' you mean the fact he cheated on you and lied to you? Or the fact he now doesn't want you checking up on him? Sure, give him kudos for not doing anything on facebook now, but he has GOT to realize you have a right to this information.



FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> but I didn't think of the fact that it could backfire on me.. I love this man ridiculously, I have never cared about a man before! For some reason, this one has a huge hold on me. he made a mistake in the past and owned up to it.


 But he didn't own up to it - he lied to you about it.



FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> I give him props, he is one hell of a man all around, we just hit a speed bump. I am 25 with 3 children and one of them is his. I will not walk down the aisle until things are proven to be better. thanks citygirl4344


 Well thats good anyway. 

I totally understand you wanting to stay with him, but call it like it is first, and don't pretend that this is all your fault. You need to start believing in yourself and taking your due - and he owes you transparency because of his past indiscretions. If he can't see that then there's a problem.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

Well Hope, you definitely call it like you see it. I have no self worth and rely completely on his happiness. Maybe I should restore some trust back into myself before worrying about him trusting me/ me trusting him. I have always taken the blame for everything as it always seems easier..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> I have no self worth and rely completely on his happiness.


Is this true? :frown2:

You have 3 kids to set an example for. You need to do something about this NOW.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

no joke! I will be settling this tonight. Thankyou for the motivation, I need to stand up for myself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can't settle things in one night, you know. You need to make a plan, preferably with a therapists help, and take baby steps.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Excuse me, but wtf kind of advice is THIS?!?!
> 
> The guy CHEATED on her, and SHE is supposed to ask for forgiveness for checking up on him afterwards? wtf??


Relationships don't live on hate, resentment, and insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Relationships don't live on hate, resentment, and insecurity.


Nor can they be sustained by "You should just trust me."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Nor can they be sustained by "You should just trust me."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she wants to be with him, then it is up to her to forgive him. He shouldn't carry this burden for eternity.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Relationships don't live on hate, resentment, and insecurity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where exactly did I say that they do?

Your advice to people here dealing with unremorseful cheaters is damaging and I think it's very sad - more than sad, actually, I think it's tragic - that you keep telling these people to suck it up and forgive and forget.

Who are you anyway? You call yourself a relationship teacher, but your website (which you conveniently link to in pretty much every post and which has all your fees prominently displayed) doesn't list any credentials whatsoever, or where you're located. Your phone number seems to indicate you're from Los Angeles. Your facebook page just started up at the end of February and also lists nothing of any substance.

You're really jld aren't you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Relationship Teacher said:


> If she wants to be with him, then it is up to her to forgive him. He shouldn't carry this burden for eternity.










OMG.

Did you even read the part where she says she has no self worth and depends completely on this guys happiness?

Never mind


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Where exactly did I say that they do?
> 
> Your advice to people here dealing with unremorseful cheaters is damaging and I think it's very sad - more than sad, actually, I think it's tragic - that you keep telling these people to suck it up and forgive and forget.


I said no such thing. But it is on the person who experienced the pain to forgive and forget. Trying to malign my character with strawmen is not going to work here.



> Did you even read the part where she says she has no self worth and depends completely on this guys happiness?


Self-happiness and self-confidence are easy to build. You don't build it by living out of vengeance and spite.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

You're only a year in and already engaged? Why are you moving so fast? And he's already cheated on you? If you think he's changed and everything will be all peachy now, you're being extremely naive. Do you not feel like you can find a better man who won't cheat on you? Is your self esteem that low?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

My advice is to learn to be happy with yourself and stop depending on a man for your happiness. if you are only 25 years old and already have 3 kids with 2 or 3 different men, you need to stay away from all men for awhile and learn to be happy with yourself Get into therapy to work on your co-dependency issues. Focus on your children


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, I don't know how your talk went last night. I hope you talked about trust. 

You don't need to prove to him as much as you need to prove to yourself. But he is feeling that you have violated his trust so perhaps taking that stance is ok.

Trust takes time and proofs. You prove to him that you are safe around his privacy by telling him you will check before you check. He proves to you he is safe by allowing you to check. Hopefully you will soon be able to just say any temptations to go on social media? and he can reply No, I'm committed totally to you . and you will believe it completely.

As has been pointed out this does make you the policeman. It's not a good role in a relationship. It's not something most would choose. In your insecurity it is a crutch you think you need. Hopefully you will soon tire of it.

The best trust building proofs are solid boundaries that protect the relationship, like your commitments to stay off face book. When you observe him not hiding his passwords, and not closing the computer when you walk into the room, those are the solid proofs you need. When you stop asking to check When you stop borrowing his phone for no reason. he will have the proof you need.

There is something about breakups that is cluttering the issue here. You feel betrayed because he dated someone else while broken up from you. If he initiated the breakup in order to be free to Date her then you have cause for your feelings as he used your faithfulness to keep you back burnered as a plan B while he played. A nasty bit of manipulation. If on the other hand you initiated the break up for time to think. You rejected him and left him hanging in the wind. His insecure position, that you created, led him to grasp for another. But I don't know why the breakup happened.

Note post posting:
I posted that at the end of page one without reading page 2 and 3. The revelations leave me feeling a bit burned but I still stand by my advice about TRUST and I heartily endorse Gus' advice for total transparency, The only way out of this.
Now I have something to say that isn't nice. When you choose a screen name FirstLove and title your Thread New to this people are naturally going to make some assumptions about you that in this case proved totally untrue. The better information you give us, warts and all, the better advice we can give you. 

OK upon reviewing the rest of the information, I have something to add. First you are a young single mother with young children. That is an insecure position. You are likely to feel insecure no matter what the man in your life is doing. You need to own that and not let it affect you actions towards that man. He is not causing ALL of your insecurity.

He did certainly cause a big chunk of it. I don't like the breakup story. I don't like your taking the blame for it. I am making the assumption that at least 2 of your children are preschool. Being a stay at home mom to 2 preschoolers is a full time job. Breaking up with the mother of your Child is different from breaking up with your New Fiance. And While we are at it, Is this his only child? I'm going back to scenario 1, I think he planned the breakup not so you would get a job (which is fine and will build your security) but he planned the break up so he could pursue his existing affair. That scenario makes the most sense. Occam's Razor. 

You are in a heck of a fix. Learning about Trust will help. Being careful about how you place your trust is part of that. I'm worried that you are letting your emotions Cloud your perception. I also see patterns of past abuse. I know that you have a fear of losing him. Remember that if it does come to that, you would be no worse off than you were before you met him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> If she wants to be with him, then it is up to her to forgive him.


I'll agree w/ that. After all, their relationship won't _really_ be able to recover until she's able to do that.

That said...



Relationship Teacher said:


> He shouldn't carry this burden for eternity.


Well, he's certainly earned it in at least the short term.

Either way, for as long as OP is getting that "red flag" feeling, she'd be foolish, IMO, to NOT take steps to verify that her SO's words actually match his intentions and actions.

Well... for as long as she chooses to stay in the relationship, anyway.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

last night we spoke about it and I told him that I can clearly see both sides of insecurity.
we had a great night of laughs and cuddling. thankyou all for your help. one day at a time


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Celes said:


> You're only a year in and already engaged? Why are you moving so fast? And he's already cheated on you? If you think he's changed and everything will be all peachy now, you're being extremely naive. Do you not feel like you can find a better man who won't cheat on you? Is your self esteem that low?


With three children, one of whom is his.

Did you end up together because you got pregnant very soon into the relationship? At 25 you've already had "many" relationships? No doubt they have been relatively short. (ETA - this isn't a put down or saying you get around. It's an observation about your age and lack of experience because those relationships couldn't have been very long.)

Yes, you two were on a break but you had agreed to not see other people and he violated that condition. If you are having this much trouble this early on, I recommend counseling and tubal ligation. 

You sound very codependent - accepting all of the responsibility for the relationship, setting poor boundaries. Maybe a bit depressed as you only cooked and cleaned - no hobbies mentioned. I realize 3 young children are a lot, but getting together with other mothers for play dates gives you some interaction, too.

I agree that you should sit down and say that trust isn't built in a day and that since he'd broken his end of the bargain before, you were just verifying he was keeping his end of the bargain this time. We HE checking up on YOU when looking at your history? I mean, you don't just SEE the history - you have to go looking for it. Sounds like could be guilty deflecting. He felt bad for checking on you; you feel bad for checking on him!

If you want to stay together, though, I think both of you spending quality time together communicating will bring you closer and develop a more trusting bond. You do have all of his passwords, just as you have shared his, right? It's still a very new relationship. Usually it takes more than a year to really know someone, much less decide you want to marry them. Let this be a LONG engagement.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Yes, you two were on a break but you had agreed to not see other people and he violated that condition. If you are having this much trouble this early on, I recommend counseling and *tubal ligation*.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> I'll agree w/ that. After all, their relationship won't _really_ be able to recover until she's able to do that.
> 
> That said...
> 
> ...


Just make the checking out in the open, no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Just make the checking out in the open, no?


That would be a mistake.

After all, we tend to display the truest version of who we really are when we think that no one is watching.


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## FIRSTLOVE1223 (Mar 17, 2016)

TUBAL LIGATION IS ALREADY DONE  LMAO. I DID IT IN JANUARY AFTER I HAD MY DAUGHTER.
EnjoliWoman THANKYOU, VERY INTELLIGENT OBSERVATIONS.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Relationships don't live on hate, resentment, and insecurity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All the more reason to send him packing.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> If she wants to be with him, then it is up to her to forgive him. He shouldn't carry this burden for eternity.


Not for eternity, but perhaps a few months? Or just blind trust as soon as he said he made a mistake?

Trust is earned. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> I said no such thing. But it is on the person who experienced the pain to forgive and forget. Trying to malign my character with strawmen is not going to work here.
> 
> 
> Self-happiness and self-confidence are easy to build. You don't build it by living out of vengeance and spite.


Interesting that you accuse somebody of using a straw man argument while inserting your own straw man argument into the very same post.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

FIRSTLOVE1223 said:


> TUBAL LIGATION IS ALREADY DONE  LMAO. I DID IT IN JANUARY AFTER I HAD MY DAUGHTER.
> EnjoliWoman THANKYOU, VERY INTELLIGENT OBSERVATIONS.


I hope that didn't seem snarky. I was just thinking you are young and fertile and a fourth child might make it more difficult to end a relationship just for financial reasons. You should never stay in a bad relationship because you can't afford to get out of it. Plus dating with more will simply be difficult and you would have to really put that on the back burner.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> All the more reason to send him packing.


She wants to be with him.



> Not for eternity, but perhaps a few months? Or just blind trust as soon as he said he made a mistake?
> 
> Trust is earned.


They have already gotten back together. It is advised to hash out trust issues before getting back together.

The problem is that it sets up a lot of negative externalities.


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