# So what is your custody/visitation schedule?



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

So what do you all your parents do as far as custody and visitation is concerned? :scratchhead:

In a few days I will be sitting down with my STBXH to discuss custody and visitation. We are attempting to work out an uncontested agreement. That means no lawyers (we can't afford them anyway). We have no real assets. He has all the debt and has agreed that it will remain his. 

Once the agreement is made out it is then filed with the court and a hearing date is set. Then we go before a judge, he looks things over and I assume if we all agree we are then getting divorced. At least that's how it's supposed to work. 

My STBXH and I have had problems but right now we are cordial enough and both of us agree that our primary goal is to remain friendly and cooperate with each other so as to effectively coparent our son. 

That said, I've put up with a LOT of crap and held my tongue and temper in order to attain that goal. I have no intention of using our son as a weapon against him. Quite the opposite, I despise when that is done and want my son to see his father and for his father to be active in our son's life. 

So we are discussing custody and visitation for our 15 year old son. My 18 year old daughter wants nothing to do with her father. She is putting herself through college, pays for her own car and I'm paying for any expenses she can't cover. 

So that leaves our son, who sees his father regularly (now that he's sober and going to AA). He spends a day here and there on the weekends. His father isn't paying a dime towards support right but keeps saying it will change if he's "given time".

I don't know what his game is but any money he does have is inherited money and that's not marital so I'm out of the loop and have no claim anyway. I've been singing THAT tune for the past 2 years. Now he says he's out of money but it willing to pay support. 

Ok, so here's what's what:

He wants 50/50 custody. Ok, sounds good. I have no problem with my son seeing him regularly, even half the time. assuming he stays sober, but his primary residence will be with me. He wants to make visitation "flexible". In other words, whenever we or our son feels like it. I want it to be scheduled in advance so I can know what to expect. 

Going back and forth every other day is just too confusing, so I'm thinking 2 weeks with me, 2 weeks with his father. His father lives 3 miles from here in the next town and my son's school is literally in between our two residences. 

My STBXH wants to come up with a fixed, average amount for my son's food/living expenses and says that I should pay him when my son is with him and he'll pay me when our son is with me. :wtf:

So how do you determine just how much he's going to eat in a given week? :scratchhead: Then we are going to trade off what we pay each other? That all sounds rather confusing. 

I don't think that's going to work. I do NOT want to be in a position to have to ask my husband for money every time my son goes to visit his father. That puts me in a bad position and could create conflict. 

So MY idea is that we EACH pay for whatever food/expenses that are incurred when our son is with us and we split expenses like medical expenses/insurance, clothes, orthodontist, allowance, etc. 

I'm hoping now that my STBXH is sober and in AA he CAN take my son 50% of the time. I guess we'll have to wait and see. It's all very confusing, especially since there aren't any lawyers involved and it's all on us.

Another potential fly in the ointment is that my STBXH wants me to pay support for our son until he is 21. He hasn't done ANYTHING to support our daughter since she has turned 18. He even took back the car he bought for her when she was 16 and I had to go out and co-sign a loan to get her another car and pay the insurance for it. 

Right now I am paying whatever my daughter can't pay for herself. I pay all my daughter's medical and living expenses when she is home from college. I am glad to continue supporting my daughter's needs until she's 21 without my husband's support provided he does the same for our son from age 18-21. 

So what are your situations? How should this be handled?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> So what do you all your parents do as far as custody and visitation is concerned? :scratchhead:
> 
> In a few days I will be sitting down with my STBXH to discuss custody and visitation. We are attempting to work out an uncontested agreement. That means no lawyers (we can't afford them anyway). We have no real assets. He has all the debt and has agreed that it will remain his.
> 
> ...


What does your son want? At 15 it's more so his call. His child support plan is crazy. I would figure out what child support you each would pay if the other parent has full custody and the difference goes to lower income earner. Come up with average for medical etc. As fair as people want to be you can't split a kid in two - one has to have the control over medical. And why not you pay daughter's college to 21 and he pay sons.
My ex got every second weekend and Wednesdays til 9. Unless he had better things to do. Played that game until kids got older. Neither have spent a night at their dad's in over 4 years. He did it to himself.
I feel anxiety just thinking of that battle. I know you sound reasonable, but doesn't sound like he is!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> What does your son want? At 15 it's more so his call. His child support plan is crazy. I would figure out what child support you each would pay if the other parent has full custody and the difference goes to lower income earner


You might want to read up on my history....it's a real doozie..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html

I think my son would like to be with his father as much as possible. He'd rather live with him but my husband's alcoholic antics prevented that.  Now my son is a bit gun shy and is taking it one step at a time. Who can blame him?

Problem is, I'm the only one working right now. My husband is claiming he's impoverished. That's his new excuse. I'm not convinced but I have no way of finding out if he has money and if he does, it's inherited money and not community property. He's been very smart about never telling me exactly what he had or still has. 

So I do NOT want to be the one paying him anything. I don't mind splitting things up but I won't pay HIM anything because he doesn't want to get his lazy a*ss to work and I care enough TO work. I'm tired of seeing him get away with everything by doing absolutely nothing. 

He often threatens to contest the divorce but I wonder how a judge will see his antics? He keeps bringing up the fact that he paid for health insurance, bought my daughter a car, took care of my son these past 6 months..but now he isn't doing ANY of that. I'M doing it all. 

So if he want to contest it then he's free to do so...but he'd be a fool to do it. 

As far as medical insurance goes. We might be getting that free through the state. I'm still waiting on that. OR we might have to pay his insurance through a private company, as I'm doing and as my daughter is doing through her college. THEN we'd have to split the premium. 

Same with the orthodontist/dentist bills. Same with clothes, medication, doctors bills, haircuts, allowance, birthday presents, etc... All this can be split. 

But my son eats like a horse. My food bills have tripled since he came to live with me. Fine, I can pay that when he lives with me and my husband can pay for him when he lives with him, provided he lives with him half the time. He wants 50/50 custody? Ok..then he should live with him half the time and pay half the food. That's how I see it. 



> And why not you pay daughter's college to 21 and he pay sons.


Why not indeed? And he should help by our son a car and pay for his car insurance too, like I am with our daughter. After all, he already promised he would. But he promises a lot of things..



> I know you sound reasonable, but doesn't sound like he is!


He can be. Depends on which way the wind is blowing. And if he stays sober.  I just want to get it all nice and legal so I have something to take him to court for if he decides to play games with me.

One good thing is that my STBXH seems to really care and love our son. He wants to be a part of his life and I want him to be. So that's a good thing and I give him credit for that. I hope it continues because our son needs him. Unfortunately my son and I don't have the best relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm going to share with you part of the custody/time-sharing plan I had with my son's father. Our son was in 2nd grade when this started. He's 24 now. We kept this plan until my son and his father had a fight when son was 11th grade. His father started throwing things at him. His father was abusive so my son had enough. He's never spend another night at his dad's.

The below plan is a 40/60 plan for the weekly visists. Holidays, vacations and special days are 50/50. 

(Names are changed)


Here is the time sharing plan that my ex and I lived with for 20 years… once we got the hang of it, it was easy. Our son got lots of time with each of us and there is NO ambiguity… That is what made it work so well. 
1.	The Mother shall have primary physical custody of Mike.

2.	Child should spend frequent time with each parent and he should have a stable and predictable time sharing schedule.

3.	Father’s Period of Responsibility with the parties’ son, Mike, shall be as followings: On Thursdays at the beginning of the school day (8:00 am), September, 4, 1997 through Sunday at 5:00 p.m. on September 7, 1997. On alternating weeks father’s period of responsibility shall begin at the beginning of the school day (8:00 am) starting Wednesday, September 10, 1997 until Friday, September 12, 1997 until 7:00 pm. Such timesharing schedule shall continue on alternating weeks.

4.	Mother’s Period of Responsibility with the parties’ son Mike shall be as follows: On Sunday, September 7, 1997 at 5:00 pm until Wednesday, September 10, 1997 when school starts (8:00 a.m.) . On alternating weeks mother shall have periods of responsibility with Mike starting Friday at 7:00 p.m. starting September 12, 1997 and continuing until Thursday morning when school starts on September 18, 1997. Such time sharing schedule shall continue on alternating weeks. (verbiage her about who will be the child care provider… did not type that in)

5.	Holidays: Regardless of the day of the week, Mike shall be with his father on the following holidays on odd numbered years and with his mother on the following holidays on even numbered years:

	President’s day -10:00 am to 7:00 pm
	Mike’s birthday – March 21 11:00 a.m. to 6:00 pm
	Good Friday at 10:00 am until Saturday at 2:00 pm
	Mike’s Spring Break – commencing on Monday at 8:00 am and continuing until Friday at 7:00 pm
	Halloween – after school until 8:00 pm
	Thanksgiving Day – 10:00 am to 7:00 pm
	Christmas Even and the four days prior – 11:00 am on December 20th until 10:00 am December 25th
	New Years Eve – December 31t at 10:00 am until January 1st at 10:00 am
Mike shall be with his mother on the following holidays on odd number years and with his father on the following holidays on even numbered years.
	Martin Luther King Day – 11:00 am to 6:00 pm
	Memorial Day weekend – Friday after school until Monday at 6:00 pm
	July 4th – 10:00 a to 6:00 pm
	Easter Sunday – 2:00 p.m. until Sunday at 6:00 pm
	Labor Day Weekend – Friday after school until Monday at 6:00 pm
	Christmas Day and the four days after – 10:00 am on December 25th until 10:00 am on December 29th
	New Years Day – 10:00 am until 7:00 PM

6.	Mike will spend Father’s day, the second Sunday in June every year, from 10:00 am until 7:00 pm, with his father. Mike will spend the father’s birth day, January 2 every year from 10:00 am until 7:00 pm with his father. 


7.	Mike will spend Mothers’ day, the second Sunday in May every year, from 10:00 am until 7:00 pm, with his Mother. Mike will spend the mother’s birthday, July 12th every year from 10:00 am until 7:00 pm with his mother. 

8.	Each parent shall have two (2) uninterrupted, non-consecutive summer vacation periods. One that is fourteen (14) days in duration and on that is seven (7) days in duration.


9.	If one parent is scheduled to have Mike for two consecutive weeks or weekends (for example because of holidays or vacations) we will adjust the schedule and trade weeks with one another so Mike is not away from either of us for an extended length of time.

10.	Failure to exercise visitation does not waive the right to future visitation.

11.	Notice of Cancellation and Scheduling: Both parties agree that notice and predictability of periods of time share are important to Mike’s welfare and well-being. The parties further agree that should either party be unable to exercise his or her regularly scheduled biweekly time-sharing or any portion thereof, he or she will give a minimum of forty-eight (48) hours notice to the other party. Cancellation of holiday and summer visitation shall require a minimum of one (1) week’s notice. Cancellation of time sharing or visitation shall not be construed as a waiver of further visitation: However, the missed time sharing or visitation shall not be made up unless by mutual agreement of the parties.


12.	Flexibility: We agree to be flexible with each other and to accommodate each other’s work schedules to every extent possible. We acknowledge that from time to time the parent who is supposed to pick up Mike may be unable to timely do so as a result of work. IN this even, the other parent agrees to pick up Mike if at all possible and to keep him until the other parent finishes working.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Freak -- does your state have it's child support formulae online? Many states do. You can plug in incomes and figure out how much it would be. 

Also, does your state or county have a self-help law clinic? You might want to look if they have any information on how to draw up a parenting plan. 

I would think that part of the divorce would be a financial affidavit that your H will have to fill out. He'll have to, under penalty of perjury, list all of his assets, including the inheritance. And many states don't just look at whether a spouse is currently employed, but if they can get a job, and that's used to help calculate, too.

NearlyEx and I have 50/50 custody, week on, week off, with the 'off' parent taking DS on Saturday. We've done it for over a year and it's worked out well. (our son is 10) His health insurance is through the state, and we split copays and things not covered by insurance. We each pay for the food he eats when he's with us. Somehow, I've ended up buying most of his clothes, but NearlyEx also tends to go to take DS to more expensive places. So the money spent probably evens out. When he joined band this year, we split the cost of his instrument. During the summer, we pay for his camps when we have him.

We alternate who is the primary parent every other year, to alternate the tax deduction and child credit. 

We didn't cover paying for college in our parenting plan.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Problem is, I'm the only one working right now. My husband is claiming he's impoverished. That's his new excuse. I'm not convinced but I have no way of finding out if he has money and if he does, it's inherited money and not community property. He's been very smart about never telling me exactly what he had or still has.


New Jersey is an "equitable property" state. The following discusses how inheritance is handled in regards to child support.

NJ Family Law & Divorce Mediation: How is an Inheritance Treated in a Divorce

If you use the courts to figure out child support, they will find out how much money he has. An attorney can subpoena a bank to find out. 

While the two of you have little in assets, you might do well to hire an attorney to just look at this one issue.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

My STBXH and I are going to a DIY Divorce Seminar this Thursday. I have a class on March 15 about child support/custody that's mandatory. My husband will be getting his date soon now that the paperwork is all filed. 

Ele, I got so confused reading that agreement I can't imagine actually doing that! :rofl: I'd like to keep it simple. 2 weeks on/2 weeks off sounds good. Or alternating weeks. Angels agreement is more of what I have in mind. 

I guess we'll have to work out holidays. My son really wants us all to be together but I've had quite enough of that and my daughter does NOT want to see her father at all. I've told my STBXH that he can't be at my apartment when my daughter is home from college. When she's away I don't have a problem with him being here with my son, coming in to pick him up, etc. 

Considering all the crap he's pulled I'm pretty friendly towards him, most for my son's benefit but he comes in handy. He's helping me do my taxes this Thursday after the seminar. 

He is considered the "low (as in NO) wage earner" so I don't want to be giving him money. I'd just as soon let him keep his and just split expenses and let him pay for whatever our son needs when he's with him an vice versa. 

If the divorce is contested then a lot of things come into play about wages, assets, etc. It can be very messy. However, if we sit and do an agreement ourselves then none of this comes into play so I'm hoping we can just sit and figure it out ourselves.

I am curious about what it is that others have done. Gives me something to go on so I really appreciate the feedback.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> New Jersey is an "equitable property" state. The following discusses how inheritance is handled in regards to child support.
> 
> NJ Family Law & Divorce Mediation: How is an Inheritance Treated in a Divorce
> 
> ...


I put it in my favorites and will look it over tomorrow. It looks like it confirms what I already know. 

Who will pay for the attorney? I can't afford it. Neither can he (says him). 

He says the money is ALL gone. I guess if he is unreasonable and we contest it then we'll find out because a discovery will be done to find out who has what. 

I don't have much. I'm certain he has more than he's letting on. How else would he be paying for his $1300/month rent and his $500/mo boat payment and the insurance on 3 cars? 

But he can't afford a cell phone. Right. 

Should be interesting.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, I talked to my 15 year old son today and he informed me that he doesn't WANT to spend 50% of the time with his father.

He said: "I should choose when I go to see dad. I don't want 50/50". 

That complicates things. I don't want to him to be someplace he doesn't want to be. I thought he'd WANT to be with his father half the time. Oops. His father says he'd LOVE for our son to stay with him but doesn't want to force him to do anything. 

So now I'm totally confused.  :scratchhead:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Due to ex's attempts to alienate my daughter from me, things have steadily moved more in my direction over the years. But as it is now:

He sees her alternating weekends from Friday after school until Sunday evening at 6pm.

We alternate Thanksgiving/Christmas (2012 he got Christmas, I got Thanksgiving; this year will reverse). We also alternate Labor Day weekend and Memorial Day weekend, 4th of July, her birthday and spring break.

He gets 2 non-consecutive weeks of vacation with her in the summer (as do I - it sometimes messes up his weekend) and has to notify me which weeks he wants by May 1st so I can plan my vacation weeks. Odd years I have rights to override his weeks if I want the same one(s); even years he has precedence.

Once she's 18 there is nothing either is forced to do, be it cars, college, etc. His mother is well off and will be 96 this year. Maybe he can afford to send her to college in 4 years - I sure can't. The legal bills have wiped me out. I can help with stuff like clothing, books, dorm supplies, etc. but I have to think about retirement so unless he can help with tuition, she's going to have to find a way to make it happen.

Edited to add - he is allowed to visit her at school functions, after school activities to cheer her on, and I'm to keep him informed of any doctor appointments as he has the right to attend those should he wish. I provide health insurance and that is calculated into child support. I absorb the first $250 out of pocket medical expenses then we split 57/43 (based on our incomes). I pay in advance and bill him the difference to be reimbursed.

Nothing about cars, clothing, etc. is included except it is noted each handles daily expenses. I buy all of her clothing, he provides toothbrush, shampoo, etc. that she leaves at his place and only takes clothing and makeup when she visits.

Also, we have to notify the other prior to taking her out of state overnight and provide an itinerary and a way to reach her.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

This is a schedule included in the first draft of a Joint Parenting Agreement that I gave to my STBXW about a month ago.



> 3. *Parenting Time and Living Arrangements of the Children.*
> 
> A. The parties’ shall have parenting time with the children as follows:
> 
> ...


Alternating weeks was actually my DD13's idea.

What my attorney came up with, while standard fare, seems needlessly complex to me... I'd be tempted to plot it out on a Calendar a year ahead at a time.

STBXW isn't sold on it, though...


Pb.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Glad I found this thread. I'm starting this now with my XH. 
I don't really have anything to add as I'm just at the beginning. But right now, I have D fulltime, he visits with her on Tuesday evenings each week and takes her Saturday night at supper time til sunday morning around 1030am every second week. This arrangement only started 3 weeks ago, for 5 months prior I have had her full time with him visiting her only about once a week (his choice). 

He's now asking for Fridays 530-Sunday 530 every second weekend and a tuesday night visit each. Which seems reasonable except my sitch is not reasonable. D is only 5 so she cannot make any decision herself. I'm open to Saturday 10am- Sunday 4pm every second week and a weekly Tuesday night visit but now it will be left up to the lawyers to work out the details.

If your son is 15 then he should be able to give some feedback on what he wants?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> I'm going to share with you part of the custody/time-sharing plan I had with my son's father. Our son was in 2nd grade when this started. He's 24 now. We kept this plan until my son and his father had a fight when son was 11th grade. His father started throwing things at him. His father was abusive so my son had enough. He's never spend another night at his dad's.
> 
> The below plan is a 40/60 plan for the weekly visists. Holidays, vacations and special days are 50/50.
> 
> ...


Damn... this makes it all too real, doesn't it. Thank you for posting this. This is so helpful, and has me thinking in ways I had not before. I'm glad to hear you made this work. I'm wading into unknown waters.....


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I think a lot of parents might be taking the whole 50/50 thing too far. I don't know how changing houses every 3.5 days or EOW would produce a happy, stable, self confident child. But then again I've never spoken to anyone who was raised that way. So who knows??

I was always a believer that kids should have a "Home Base" and that any lost time can be made up during a longer summer visit with the parent who gets less time throughout the year.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

We tried it for a while. I think if you do an actual 50/50 it helps to have similar work schedules, similar parenting styles, similar housing with the child having their own room and own stuff at both places. I've even heard it recommended that it have similar furniture and decorations. I also thing one week with each parent makes more sense than splitting weeks.

We tried him 4/me 3, him 3, me 4 days. But our schedules were very different (he would get up 2 hours later, bed 2 hours later - big problem for a child) and notes from the preK teacher didn't always make it from one parent to the other, reading log misplaced, etc.

I would have been happy using ex as after-school care except his schedule was so crazy (self employed; on call) that I couldn't rely on that.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

LdyVenus said:


> I was always a believer that kids should have a "Home Base" and that any lost time can be made up during a longer summer visit with the parent who gets less time throughout the year.


That's what I'm leaning toward. My son doesn't want the 50/50 situation and it would make for a problem during the school year. I don't trust my STBXH to actually get my son to school on a regular basis, especially since my son wouldn't have bus service from his home. Even though his father lives almost the same distance away as I do he's in a different town so he would have to actually take my son to and from school. 

So it makes sense for my son to be here with me during the week when he's in school so that things are stable and structured. Occasionaly my son can go to his father's house. For example this Wednesday I'm going for a skiing overnight and asked my STBXH to take my son overnight and we've worked it out so he will put him on the bus and pick him up at my apartment and have him overnight at his place. 

My husband isn't sure what his work schedule is going to be so that's a factor. Fortunately my son is able to look after himself most of the time. He does need to be with someone overnight and be put on the school bus in the mornings. Other than that he's pretty independent. 

So it seems to be working out that he'll be with me most weekdays and spend some weekends with his father during the school year. 

I'd like to see the situation be the opposite during the summer, with him being with his father most of the time and spending time at my home occasionally. My son likes living at my husband's house more due to him being right in the middle of town.

He has access to a lot more things when he's with his father than he does at my place. I'm about a mile or so from the center of my town so it's not like he can just walk down the stairs and be able to go to the store or deli, like it is at his father's house. 

My H is still crying poverty so if he can take my son for the summer that would help me a lot. We are trying to work out compromises. Another sticky situation is what to do with my son after 18. Since I'm the one supporting my daughter now I want him to do the same for my son. 

Fortunately my STBXH and I are on cordial enough terms so we are keeping this civil and agreeing on a number of things. 

Holidays may be a problem. Not stuff like MLK Day or Father's Day (we don't do anything on these days at all anyway) but Thanksgiving, Christmas and my son's birthday are issues because my daughter and I don't want to spend these holidays with my STBXH and my son does want to be with his father so we might have to figure out a way to divide things up. Maybe do Christmas Eve with us an spend the day with his father so his father isn't alone, etc. We'll see. 

I can afford to carry the expenses for my son until my STBXH gets a job but I'm feeling the stress of being the sole parent and being tied down when it comes to taking trips. I love to travel, even for a long weekend. I crave freedom and time for myself so if his father can take him from me at times that would help me tremendously.

For example this weekend my daughter is home for the weekend and my son is at his father's. That works out very well because having 3 people in my apartment is a bit much. It's so quiet now..very nice. 

So some flexibility is in order and we'll working on that.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

familyfirst09 said:


> If your son is 15 then he should be able to give some feedback on what he wants?


Exactly. I count myself lucky because of this. If I had young children I'd be pulling my hair out. I think that's one reason I didn't divorce my H years ago. I certainly wanted to and came close about 10 years ago but then I would've had an 8 and 5 year old and the situation would've been a lot worse for me. 

However my son definitely wants a say in where he goes and when. We have to take his opinions and desires into account. But there will be times when he will be told "You are doing this". I did that this weekend when my daughter came home. My son was throwing a fit about something and stressing us all out so I said "You are going to your father's tonight. This is NOT an option". I called his father and had him pick him up. 

Unfortunately I can't be doing that all the time for a lot of reasons. It's not fair to my son or to my STBXH. We need a schedule and we will be working on that. We might need to be flexible on the schedule but there has to be one laid out so we are working on that.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Our divorce agreement just states "with reasonable notice, agreeable by both parties." At that time, he was a fulltime OTR truck driver.. Our almost 13yo daughter lives with me fulltime. He has since been on disability. First he was living another state away. During that time, he would see her when he drove up here, longest visit was 3 hrs. He has since moved back up here and lives in the next town with his brother, brother's wife and OW. He still only sees her max 4 hrs, maybe once a week. He's been picking her up from School on Fridays and keeping her til she goes rollerskating at 7. I pick her up from skating. He doesn't have a place yet for her to sleep overnight. 

I would like to see a more structured schedule - every other weekend fri night to Sunday afternoon or something...so I make plans. The way it is now, I don't like leaving her alone, so its pretty much work and home.


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