# Desperate for male advice on my situation



## Confused_7_7 (Jun 17, 2013)

I could write an essay but I will try and keep this as short as possible.

Me and my OH (not married) have been together for almost five years. We had a child 16 months ago. We have always got along well with the normal disagreements that are part of parcel of relationships, but nothing too major.

Anyway, go back to my pregnancy and due to my sleep problems and inability to sleep with a bump I moved to the spare room (now 19 months back). 

Our child only started to sleep through at night when he was 13 months old (so - only 12 weeks back). It was tough as I was feeding him in the night and we were both tired a lot of the time. My OH provides a lot financially and provides a great standard of living but I don't get much from him emotionally. He jusr isn't really like that.

Getting to the point, our relationship has got worse and worse since our child was born (problems started whilst I was pg actually). We disagreee on a lot and have little relationship other than being like housemates. We tried counselling a few times until my partner decided it wasn't working as he felt they were just a money making scheme and not really bothered about helping us. 

He has told me he sees no future for us but then does nothing to act on it. I live in what is his house and only work part time with now having a child so it isn't easy for me to just up and leave. 

We are 'intimate' around once a month and I always feel that it lightens him up. Last night being one occasion. This morning he was a lot friendlier and actually made eye contact and the anomosity that is prevalent in our relationships seems to dissipate somewhat.

I am sure I have left out a lot of relavant detail but I really don't know what to do. I have been fighting for what seems like a long time to hold our little family together and some days I think it could work but some days I feel it's never going to work and I should just rent a place somewhere and show him I have some self respect.

Any thoughts guys? :scratchhead:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So to sum it up, you 2 are intimate only 1x a month, and you just realised last night that he's happier after sex, so the obvious solution is right in front of you guys. But getting there is a challenge no?

Dedicate time together, just the two of you. "Date nights" so to speak, if you 2 must go out ask someone to take care of your child while you two work on your relationship.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Not to be crude, but are you hot? Do you keep up your appearance? Or are you in total unsexy frumpy mommy mode?

Put your relationship with your husband first. Get yourself in good shape if you're not already. Make sex and intimacy a priority.

If he's a normal man that should improve things.


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## Confused_7_7 (Jun 17, 2013)

Things always seem better afterwards but it is only short lived so am.not sure it is enoigh.

I am attractive and look after myself very much so. He has said on numerous occasions that he still finds me very attractive but we just can not seem to get along.

Our Son is definitely number one in all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused_7_7 (Jun 17, 2013)

Things always seem better afterwards but it is only short lived so am.not sure it is enoigh.

I am attractive and look after myself very much so. He has said on numerous occasions that he still finds me very attractive but we just can not seem to get along.

Our Son is definitely number one in all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Confused_7_7 said:


> Our Son is definitely number one in all of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that is a trap. Of course your son is important, but should he really be number one to the extent that it damages your marriage? I don't think so. I think that people get caught up in raising their kids and devote all of their time and resources to it to the detriment of their marriages. And if the marriage already had problems before kids, the kids become a convenient way to ignore the problems. Like all problems, ignoring them makes them worse.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Confused_7_7 said:


> Our Son is definitely number one in all of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your marriage is the bedrock of your family. Without the marriage the family cannot survive. Your marriage should be your #1 priority.

Yes, your child needs all kinds of time. He needs to be fed, bathed, changed, supervised, etc. The problem is when the child becomes _everything_.

You have to find ways to spend time with your husband alone. Go for walks, to the movies, etc. He needs to feel as if he is still King of your world rather than ATM of your world.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Along with others (and my therapist), marriage is #1, not your son.

1 - Make sure you are sleeping in the bedroom. I don't care if the kid is up every couple of hours... you sleep together.

2 - Sex more frequently than 1x per month. How about 4x per week. WHAT??? 4x per week??? Yes. Eventually you will see where his sexual needs are and how he emotionally responds to intimacy. maybe it's 2x per week. maybe it's 1x per week. But you will never find that point at 1x per month.

3 - Start new. Release any lingering bad feelings about this whole thing and make it a goal to make this work. Marriage is #1... how will you work to make it #1 today?


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## Confused_7_7 (Jun 17, 2013)

Thanks guys. My comment about my LO.was actually something my OH said. Totally agree with everything that has been said. I want to get back into the bedroom with him but he won't let me as he says we shouldn't if we can't even get along. I think it would help but he doesn't see it. It's very frustrating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like he's starting to check out if he doesn't want to let you back in the bedroom. Look I'm going to be frank: once a month is not nearly enough to keep him emotionally attached to you. You should be spending at least 15 hours a week together in quality time and you should be having sex at a minimum of 3 times a week. Now for me, separate bedrooms is a dealbreaker. I don't consider myself "in a relationship" with anyone I don't sleep with. I also equate it with sexlessness. So you're right, you're just roommates at this point.

The way I see it, there is only one way to salvage the relationship. You need to reestablish the connection. And there's only one way to do that. All the talking in the world won't do the trick.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ask your husband what it will take. Remind him that a divorce is a much worse option for the family and what will it take for the TWO of you to make the marriage work better. 

There is a solution out there. The two of you need to find it.

It also may be you need a trial separation to see just what the both of you need. But if you do, be 110% faithful in every way.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

So if he's ambivalent about sleeping together try this.

Let him go to bed, wait for the lights to go out. Put on sexy lingerie, Open the door and raise one arm up on the door jam. with a light on behind you (so you form a silouhette) enter the room and ravage him, in everyway. Wear him out with sex and stay in the bed as you both fall asleep. Then the next day TRY TO GET ALONG. 

Do this a few times in a week and he'll get used to you in bed with him.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Viseral said:


> Not to be crude, but are you hot? Do you keep up your appearance? Or are you in total unsexy frumpy mommy mode?
> 
> Put your relationship with your husband first. Get yourself in good shape if you're not already. Make sex and intimacy a priority.
> 
> If he's a normal man that should improve things.


oh puh-lease. That is your best advice after OPs post? Seriously? Are you frumpy?

"Make sex and intimacy a priority."

well yeah. good call.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"He has told me he sees no future for us but then does nothing to act on it."

This stuck out to me...doesnt sound good, does it?

Think its worth the effort to try and come to some kind of agreement that the both of you are at least going to _try_ to change the current dynamic of dysfunction? Not a fun conversation to have, but really - if you cant at least agree with each other on that much - then I guess your next steps will become more evident pretty quickly?

Dad&Hubbys comment is a good one too. Sometimes just grabbing the bull by the horns and taking action can be a good thing. It certainly shows that you care enough to do something - and that is never a bad thing - even if you feel vulnerable doing so in a case like this.

Just doing duty sex doesnt help either if you feel like the relationship is still broken though. He pretty much gave up on counselling - Did you 2 get anything out of it? What are the unresolved issues? Sex is no fun if your head isnt in the game.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP said they not married but every one seem to answer as if they are. That makes a difference to me. He not committed to her it seems and reserving his right to walk whenever. Just me personally I would be out unless he put a ring on it. Doesn't seem like he has any plans to do that.

Get some child support in place and leave if he wants to play it like that.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> oh puh-lease. That is your best advice after OPs post? Seriously? Are you frumpy?


I saw nothing wrong with it. It is a common trap that women fall into after having a child... life is now all about the kid, less worried about appearance, no thought of dressing sexy as now in 100% mommy mode... it happens and yeah it can turn the partner off. 

I have an in-law who became a total mombie after her 1st kid. Yes of course you love your baby and he comes first, but it got like the husband didn't even exist. She talks, thinks, and does nothing except kid-related things. They used to have a good marriage but since their first child they barely talk to each other and I am guessing they will get divorced eventually.

Not really atypical either, study after study shows that having a baby correlates with much lower levels of marital satisfaction.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

> Not really atypical either, study after study shows that having a baby correlates with much lower levels of *marital satisfaction.*


They're not married.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> They're not married.


Ha right I keep forgetting that. Well I'd imagine it leads to lower satisfaction with the relationship in general, married or not.


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## Air Texas (May 30, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> So to sum it up, you 2 are intimate only 1x a month, and you just realised last night that he's happier after sex, so the obvious solution is right in front of you guys. But getting there is a challenge no?
> 
> Dedicate time together, just the two of you. "Date nights" so to speak, if you 2 must go out ask someone to take care of your child while you two work on your relationship.


Quoted so you'll read this again. Nailed it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Committed

Why do women think that a man who reserves his right to walk away isn't committed to them? :scratchhead:


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By CONFUSED*
> I want to get back into the bedroom with him but he won't let me as he says we shouldn't if we can't even get along. I think it would help but he doesn't see it



*There is a LOT more to this story than you trying to be sexy so your relationship will get a lot better.* Any healthy man under the age of 80 needs/wants sex more than once a month; everyone knows that.



I smell resentment somewhere and someone not feeling loved. That is just a guess. Also, I am not convinced that Confused is confused. You have been to counseling several times so you must have an idea as to what some of the issues are.

*Are you or him resentful? Does one of you or both of you feel that you are loved?*

Once you find the problem there will be a solution. Both of you DOING what you need to do to correct the problem is the most important part and that is where many cop-out!

Talk isn’t going get it! ACTIONS ACTIONS ACTIONS by both!!!!


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## Confused_7_7 (Jun 17, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> *There is a LOT more to this story than you trying to be sexy so your relationship will get a lot better.* Any healthy man under the age of 80 needs/wants sex more than once a month; everyone knows that.
> 
> Oh yes there is resentment there. I feel totally rejected and unloved. I'm getting to a point where I can't carry on waiting for him to perhaps start being nice. It's just not happening. It feels like I'm trying to fight a losing battle.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Confused_7_7 said:


> I am sure I have left out a lot of relavant detail


Yes, most of it other than not sleeping together.

So how about putting in that relevant detail. "We don't get along" is far too vague to work with. The drifting apart while pregnant is unusual - what reason could there be for the need to sleep in a separate room while pregnant? :scratchhead:


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> @Committed
> 
> Why do women think that a man who reserves his right to walk away isn't committed to them? :scratchhead:


Is that a trick question?

But anyway, I was saying in THIS case THIS particular man doesn't seem committed. Hell, he won't even let her back in the bedroom!


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## Confused_7_7 (Jun 17, 2013)

We seem to disagree over a lot. He blows hot and cold. He provides a lot in terms of a fantastic standard of living but notjing emotionally.

His longest relationship was 3 years in his early 20's and since then he has had a series of short term relationships. I am beginning to think that he just can't deal with a serious relationship. We have a laugh together, or at least used to.

He blows hot and cold with me all the time. Last weekend it was the end and I said I would look at places to move out to. He was then nice as pie all week until yesterday when I may as well be invisible. 

I asked him if he wanted me to come to a family event in a few weeks and he said no almost immediately. 

I think he might be trying to push me away until I agree we should split. I don't agree but know I deserve better than this. 

We are all talked out. Talking gets us nowhere anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> We seem to disagree over a lot. He blows hot and cold. He provides a lot in terms of a fantastic standard of living but notjing emotionally.
> 
> His longest relationship was 3 years in his early 20's and since then he has had a series of short term relationships. I am beginning to think that he just can't deal with a serious relationship. We have a laugh together, or at least used to.
> 
> ...


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## konkelvonk (Jul 11, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> OP said they not married but every one seem to answer as if they are. That makes a difference to me. He not committed to her it seems and reserving his right to walk whenever. Just me personally I would be out unless he put a ring on it. Doesn't seem like he has any plans to do that.
> 
> Get some child support in place and leave if he wants to play it like that.


I must say, you are right. She she can go and give him more sex, which will help, I know i love it when my wife gives me more, but freaken hell, if I had a kid in that way first thing I would do is get married! What is up with him.If he is man enought to have sex and get her pregnant, then he should be man enough to marry her.

I have been married for a while, and only one thing works, Talk Talk Talk, even if it hurts or gets messy, keep talking!!! comuication is incredible!


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

It sounds like he is trying to force you to be the one to walk away so that he doesn't look bad. 

I know that move. I use to be that guy. Never in a situation like this but I hated the thought of breaking a girls heart so I would just be a **** until the did the dirty work. 

I could reiterate everything else that has been said but if I were you I would give him a choice. Tell him what you want in the relationship and if you don't get it that you will leave.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

It sounds like he is trying to force you to be the one to walk away so that he doesn't look bad. 

I know that move. I use to be that guy. Never in a situation like this but I hated the thought of breaking a girls heart so I would just be a **** until the did the dirty work. 

I could reiterate everything else that has been said but if I were you I would give him a choice. Tell him what you want in the relationship and if you don't get it that you will leave.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## TheRock (Jul 12, 2013)

He doesn't want to look bad and end the relationship. Trust me I know this move I use to be that guy. You don't want to look bad in other peoples eyes for ending the relationship so you become a horrible person to the other so that they eventually make the decision and in your eyes you did nothing wrong. 

If I were you I would give him a choice. Lay down some very specific things that you want from the relationship and if he doesn't do them right away then you are kicking him out. Don't bluff on this actually do it because if not he is going to continue acting this way I can promise you that. If he flips and changes then great if not then you and your child are much better off.

The sooner you realize that you will be able to survive with out him with your child the better of you will be.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Let me throw one out there...

Get the book "The 5 love languages"...Tell him it is to help you meet his needs better.....

Both of you go through it together over a week end....

Works better if you get a sitter.....

In year 46 of my marriage we did it and it helped a lot.....

the woodchuck


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

there sounds like a lot of issues on both side. ask yourself if you truly want you and the baby in that house with him. 

sometimes folks can fall out of love, it is fine, but a lot of people use it as an easy convenient way to bail out of a relationship. living with poison is bad for all involved. 

He might feel the baby is your number one priority and he is dejected. men have emotions too you know. lol

if you want to stay and love him still, do as another poster mentioned. surprise him with sex, tease him a little through the day, wear something he can see down, wear something when you go in public with him that is a little too tight or a little too thin etc. he will see he is a sexual need to you. Maybe he needs to see you as a sexual creature again, some men get turned off with pregnant women. 

that night dress up super sexy and give him surprise fellatio, no man can resist that.

good luck to you regardless. a relationship can be hard to manage. a baby can be hard to manage. both can be hard as heck.


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