# How am I supposed to feel?



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

My wife of 5 years told me last year that her best sex experiences happens with her ex bf. Their relationship lasted a year. She said that her ex did give her orgasm every time they hit the sack. She described to me one of the most incredible orgasm she had with him, it made her feels like flying and she screamed so loud she feared she will wake the neighboors. She said he was thicker while I was longer. She even told me once how her first bf give her orgasm just from licking her nipples.
Anyway she said her ex bf was a SOB, and she knows he didn't take their relationship serious. She admitted that he wouldn't go down on her, but insisted that she go down on him every time they did it. They break up when she suspected he was cheating.

With me, sex was sometimes good, sometimes so-so, sometimes "I need a release" and very few quickies. So I did a lot of research on the web, and trying new ways to give her more intense orgasm.
She admitted that her orgasms was improving and that she also begin to do kegel exercise.
This have been eating me inside, and when I dished it out to her. She tends to dodge by saying it was not a big deal for her, and that she love me tremendously. She said I have been a good provider (she's a full time housewife), and that I am a nice guy, and I do care for her needs and feelings, and she knows I love her. That's what really count for her.

Last night I consulted her again about that, and she said that I am her best sex partner now. The way she said it make me feel she didn't mean it.
How am I supposed to feel? I feel angry, sad, frustated....


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

What was the purpose of her telling you these things? Did you ask her these specific things?


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

She called you a 'nice guy'? Talk about adding insult to injury. I really hope she didn't volunteer this info, cuz if she did, she wanted to hurt you which means your problems might be worse than you think.


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

jfv said:


> She called you a 'nice guy'? Talk about adding insult to injury. I really hope she didn't volunteer this info, cuz if she did, she wanted to hurt you which means your problems might be worse than you think.


That's what I was thinking... damn, I couldn't imagine just throwing it out there... how insulting and disrespectful


----------



## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

It is because she has been thinking about him. That is a red flag ..You need to get ready because she is not really happy.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She likes the sob bad boy types. They turn her on. They set the rules in bed and tell her what to do. That's why she had the intense sex, because they really got her worked up mentally.

You need to find the dominant bad boy inside you if you want to rock her.


----------



## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

At least she realized it made you feel bad and is now lying to you. It's one of those white lies where the intent is to spare your feelings


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm sorry, Just when did sex become an olympic sport?


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> What was the purpose of her telling you these things? Did you ask her these specific things?


It started a year ago, when sex was dwindling down and her libido was non existence. We did have a few talks about how i could turn her on, and we also try dating again (dinner, dancing, hotel) and some vacations. One day she suggested that we watch porn together and she asked me to try a vibrating **** ring. I asked her how she know about the **** ring, and that's when she begin to tell stories of her and ex bf.

Seems like I did open a Pandora box and I didn't like the outcome. 
Well, sex isn't supposed to be an Olympic sport. But maybe that was just my ego failing me.


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Wow... I just can't imagine rambling on about something like that to my husband.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Read at least a couple of self help books, opinion is divided on their usefulness but as far as I am concerned, for whatever reason they seem to work.
Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and No More Mr Nice Guy
by Robert Glover.

I think sex is very much in the head. So your sexual technique is probably way better than the ex (the bad boy can be very selfish) but her anticipation of sex with her bad boy ex was higher.
The thing is that bad boys like your wifes ex don't make very good relationship material, great sex but piss poor at building a home environment.
What the books do is show you how to maintain the home and relationship vibes of a 'beta' man while adding the right amount of 'alpha' to keep your woman interested in sex with you and only you.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Well, we did have a long conversation just now. She said my intention of trying to be the best did put a lot of pressure on her, and it made she more and more unable to enjoy and perform in bed.
She admitted that my technique was way better than her ex and I always care about how she feels. And I was the first to give her multi orgasms.
She regretted that she told the stories about her ex to me, her real intention was to lift up our sex life, and she was naive. She said she love me so much and she would never told me those stories if she knew the outcome would be like this. She was very sorry that all this happened.
She was crying through the talk, and this time I know she was sincere.
@WyshIknew: I would look for those books and read them. Thanks.
@all: Thanks for the support. I feel a lot better now.


----------



## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Read those books asap. You seem like a good dude. I wish you the best.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Always room to improve, I ask for my wife's stories too. And she does get graphic enough with them too, though guess she's wiser in this regard, she knows she's playing with fire bringing up her past. I enjoy it personally, she doesn't like old memories, but does it for me anyway to turn me on. But that's just me.

Personally though, I would refuse to show insecurity especially when it is me myself who opened pandora's box -> that will just make the problems worse. But I guess it's a little too late for that.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Why not switch your way of thinking and wonder what_ she_ does for _you_ since you are such a good provider and such a 'nice guy'. Do you have conversations about how good she is in bed? How her breasts compare to your ex's? 

Why are you so focussed on pleasing her? The reason why she liked sex with the ex so much is that he was focussed on himself and just took her. 

Unfortunately many women want the security of a 'nice guy' and the sex of a bad-boy. 

You need to force yourself to stop trying to gain her approval and make her try and gain yours by doing what _you_ want sexually.


----------



## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Ok so everyones story is a bit different. These are huge red flags. Search inward TO YOURSELF. Stop caring "outwardly" about how she feels. You need to man up and claim whats yours. The more you ask her to compare the MORE she thinks about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sounds like your wife is attracted to the virility, power, and raw masculine energy of the ex-boyfriend. He might not have been her definition of "husband material", but he damn sure rocked her body out, and rocked it hard. You are the nice guy, husband that she loves, who takes care of her, and makes her feel safe and secure. You are perfect "husband material".

She should have told you this in the beginning. Everyone doesn't need that kind of lover to feel explosive, and alive, in the bedroom, but your wife does.

It's probably not even that you're a bad lover. It's just that she gets off on that kind of sex her ex provided, and not just the act, but the very core of who he was. You can NOT compete with that. Researching all of the ways in which you can drive a woman crazy might help you become a better mechanical lover, but it won't give you the kind of energy that ex was giving her. She wasn't cumming everytime just off his technique; her orgasms were likely fed by HIM, just who he is, and how he made her feel in bed.

She should have married the bad boy, and taken the consequences that come with that. Chances are good that by the end of the marriage she'd be begging for a guy like you.

As it stands the best you can do is work on being the best lover you know how to be, and try and live with it. She obviously is sharing her former hot sex days with you for a reason, but unfortunately for you this isn't a competition you can win. All you can do is become the best, most authentic you. 

The question is, can you live with what you have?


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

please do not tell me that your wife is an Ex Party girl with a wild past who found a nice nerdy guy and settled down with him?

If ^^ that is the case. Than you are in for a long ride and i am sorry but people plan their own lives and futures because of their actions. If you have a problem its between you two and if its a really big problem id advice marriage counseling or divorce. Or you can remain unhappy and bothered by things that should not be an issue. She hurt your feelings but wishes to dodge the question but its all good right? Because she found a man who is a "provider" 

I hope there is more to it than that. 

Until than best of luck.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> please do not tell me that your wife is an Ex Party girl with a wild past who found a nice nerdy guy and settled down with him?


How do you know that? My wife was a party girl before she met me. She has been out of that circle for a year before she met me. 
I do really love her and divorce is not an option for me. We had 2 kids (1 and 4 years old).

@jaquen: I could adept to that, I think I could live with that.

I started reading "No More Nice Guy", and I am sure I am the nice guy as the book describred. I'm trying to change now.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

They like what they like. (women). The smart ones will test the waters before jumping into marriage so they know that they are at least getting what they found pleasing in the past.
There's plenty of women who will settle for any live body just as long as they can get a roof over their heads and the trinkets they feel are important.
If I were ever to have a son or daughter, I would tell them to never consider matrimony unless they try out the sex first.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Well, we did have alot of sex before we married, and she said they were good. We once did it 5 times in a day with 10 for her and 4 for me. I was too numb for the last one.
She remembered as I did recalled that she was never without orgasm everytime we hit the sack until her first pregnancy.
I think I did contributed on the problem in the first place, as a nice guy I did pressed her on more sex while she's busy and tired taking care of a kid and an infant.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

I remembered my wife told me how her SOB ex treated her. He did prey on her insecurities, like making her feels she's not beautiful enough for him by introducing her to his better looking exes (then ask her opinion on how beautiful they are), never went out just the two of them, always there were other friends or couples, (dating, movies, even buying food). When they were in arguments, he would pushed her head back, although he never hit her.
I really don't see how those 'qualities' will rock her body hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Horsa said:


> I really don't see how those 'qualities' will rock her body hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is because women are turned on by bad boys. 

Realize the behaviors and traits that what can produce the most offspring in the long run is what will be reinforced in people. A very effective method for women to use is to find a nice guy to raise kids but set up a sperm war where she has sex with bad boys have a good chance of getting her pregnant. 

Why is this effective? Because those bad boy genes will get her bad boy sons who can procreate with many women. Hence she's going to have more grand kids.

Many have evolved, and this doesn't mean your wife is going to do that to her. What it does mean is that she's turned on by bad boys.

------------------

What should you do?

You still treat her nice outside the bedroom, but dominate her in the bedroom. That doesn't mean you're mean to treat her bad, but you make it clear she's going to do what you tell her to do.


----------



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Horsa said:


> I remembered my wife told me how her SOB ex treated her. He did prey on her insecurities, like making her feels she's not beautiful enough for him by introducing her to his better looking exes (then ask her opinion on how beautiful they are), never went out just the two of them, always there were other friends or couples, (dating, movies, even buying food). When they were in arguments, he would pushed her head back, although he never hit her.
> I really don't see how those 'qualities' will rock her body hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THey don't. But she was competing against all those other women and won, at least for a bit, and THAT is what she was excited about. It wasn't about him, it was about HER catching him and what SHE had accomplished. 

You can follow the MMSL line that you have to change into this person who induces her raw sexual drive by making her pursue you and see how long that lasts. 

Some women get the fantasy in their head of "taming the beast", and then they work for months or years at slapping us men (husbands, specifically) into compliance with their notions of what we should be, and then they're immediately bored and disgusted because it was the 'getting' not the 'having' that they were infatuated with. 

I'm sure the MMSL author has some level of success, by teaching men some self improvement techniques and how to make incidental boundaries that appeal to specific women. I have my doubts as to the long term efficacy of such behavior modification as a real fix. Real relationships are not based on carefully calculated behavior to appeal to a specific woman's sexual whims. Rather, it simply invites the sexual aspects to mask the real issues. 

On the other hand, he appears to perhaps incidentally, perhaps deliberately, teach men to try to unlearn some self destructive behaviors, including some unhealthy pacifism and dependency.


----------



## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Listen, my wife's best sex wasn't with me. But she loves me unconditionally. As long as I am her best husband ever and she loves me more than any other man, I am good with it.


----------



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

There is some great posts and advice above; I would have liked them all. 

I would take a strong positive stance to the situation. Shirk it off and get on with being you. If you dwell on it, then so might she, so steer the relationship back on focus - you and her are all that matter now.

If you fancy it, experiment or be a bit more domineering in the bed, if YOU enjoy it. If not then she still sounds content from what you write.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Horsa said:


> My wife of 5 years told me last year that her best sex experiences happens with her ex bf. Their relationship lasted a year. She said that her ex did give her orgasm every time they hit the sack. She described to me one of the most incredible orgasm she had with him, it made her feels like flying and she screamed so loud she feared she will wake the neighboors. She said he was thicker while I was longer. She even told me once how her first bf give her orgasm just from licking her nipples.
> *Anyway she said her ex bf was a SOB, and she knows he didn't take their relationship serious. She admitted that he wouldn't go down on her, but insisted that she go down on him every time they did it. They break up when she suspected he was cheating.*
> 
> With me, sex was sometimes good, sometimes so-so, sometimes "I need a release" and very few quickies. So I did a lot of research on the web, and trying new ways to give her more intense orgasm.
> ...


The part i highlighted is the key to what she is sexually attracted to.
She is not aroused by a " nice guy."
Whenever you have sex with her , forget the Casanova BS and go hard.
And stop the " nice guy" stuff.
Also stop feeling sorry for yourself. She told you that because she wants you to take a hint , IMO.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> Listen, my wife's best sex wasn't with me. But she loves me unconditionally. As long as I am her best husband ever and she loves me more than any other man, I am good with it.


Sounds like you've found some peace, and a sense of resolution. That's really all that matters. 

:smthumbup:


----------



## Gangland (Aug 3, 2012)

Horsa said:


> I really don't see how those 'qualities' will rock her body hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The reason they turn her on is because he is displaying that he is a higher value mate relative to her, because only someone higher value could dismiss her or dominate her as such. Her body responds to this by telling her it wants to have his babies because he has good genes.

Nice guy stuff puts you below her, you're supplicating, doing things for her, in her interest. like a servant. This doesn't turn her on because it's in woman's nature to want a mate that is higher value than they are. (This is why they get the tingle from high status guys that aren't always very good looking.)

Anyway.. you don't have to be mean.. you just have to invest enough in yourself that she realizes you're higher value (or at least equal) This can be dominance, raising your status, getting in better shape, being a bit better in bed etc. It works, trust me.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gangland said:


> Nice guy stuff puts you below her, you're supplicating, doing things for her, in her interest. like a servant. This doesn't turn her on because it's in woman's nature to want a mate that is higher value than they are. (This is why they get the tingle from high status guys that aren't always very good looking.)
> .


This is a model of femal attraction but it is quite simplistic. After all most women in the end choose 'nice guys' to marry and have kids with. Analysis of Evolutionarily Stable Strategies, which figures out which strategies become dominant over time because they are successful, suggest that you are still better off being a reliable-provider type.

I don't think we all need to panic and start acting like James Dean.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> After all most women in the end choose 'nice guys' to marry and have kids with.


That doesn't really seem accurate. It suggests that "most women" are married to "nice guys", which would make the inverse true that there are hoards of unmarried "James Dean" types running around.

"Nice Guys", "Bad Boys", "Wild Vamps", and "Good Girls" all get married.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> This is a model of femal attraction but it is quite simplistic. After all most women in the end choose 'nice guys' to marry and have kids with. Analysis of Evolutionarily Stable Strategies, which figures out which strategies become dominant over time because they are successful, suggest that you are still better off being a reliable-provider type.
> 
> I don't think we all need to panic and start acting like James Dean.


It's called striking a balance and should never be an "either/or" proposition. Most of these definitions for Alpha, Beta or Omega personalities are more guidelines at best, and a lot of the theories that subscribe to the ideas that "alphas" get all the women while the "betas" are doormats are overly simplistic. Keep in mind that the posts on TAM are likely skewed, and the big reason is simply the fact that a "beta" personality is probably more free with discussing his/her feelings while "alphas" are not. If you don't think that alphas don't lose out to betas then you're crazy.

In reality, the ideal partner is someone that can find the perfect balance where you have BOTH alpha and beta traits. No doubt that alphas probably get the lions share of ONS by stealing a "beta's" wife or GF. However, alphas tend to lose their women if they do not incorporate some beta traits. All of these so called theories really boil down to this little pattern for having fulfilling relationships: 1) Confidence, 2) honesty, 3) Communicate (yes, feelings), 4) Don't take any crap.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

jaquen said:


> That doesn't really seem accurate. It suggests that "most women" are married to "nice guys", which would make the inverse true that there are hoards of unmarried "James Dean" types running around.
> 
> "Nice Guys", "Bad Boys", "Wild Vamps", and "Good Girls" all get married.


I was talking about a book that I read about this, I can't remember the name but I will try and find it, which looked at ESSs and concluded that there are more 'nice guys' out there than there are 'bad boys'. Although bad-boy strategies persist, the dominant strategy is to be a good dad/provider, hence most of us end up getting married and settling down, rather than become tennis pros or personal fitness trainers. 

The accepted optimum 'mixed strategy' for human females is to marry the provider and supplement the genes by occasionally having sex with the personal-trainer type. This strikes fear into the heart of most of us 'nice guys' but we have to remember that the accepted optimum strategy for human males is to maintain a mini-hareem and jump every hot 20 year old that we can. We don't generally do it and neither will they. Seeing things in cold scientific terms can be scary at times.

I will try and find the book.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> It's called striking a balance and should never be an "either/or" proposition. Most of these definitions for Alpha, Beta or Omega personalities are more guidelines at best, and a lot of the theories that subscribe to the ideas that "alphas" get all the women while the "betas" are doormats are overly simplistic. Keep in mind that the posts on TAM are likely skewed, and the big reason is simply the fact that a "beta" personality is probably more free with discussing his/her feelings while "alphas" are not. If you don't think that alphas don't lose out to betas then you're crazy.
> 
> In reality, the ideal partner is someone that can find the perfect balance where you have BOTH alpha and beta traits. No doubt that alphas probably get the lions share of ONS by stealing a "beta's" wife or GF. However, alphas tend to lose their women if they do not incorporate some beta traits. All of these so called theories really boil down to this little pattern for having fulfilling relationships: 1) Confidence, 2) honesty, 3) Communicate (yes, feelings), 4) Don't take any crap.


I agree, these are just models. I also think that Alpha & Beta are bad terms because they imply that Alphas are better than Betas and that Alphas are happy to be Alphas, which often isn't the case.

I met a guy once in a strange, isolated hippy colony on the coast of Spain. He was hyper-male; massive with a huge jutting jaw and sweating pure testosterone. The guy basically was excessively 'Alpha' and couldn't integrate into normal society. Not suprisingly women were wary of him and he was lonely and unhappy. It made me realise that 'Beta' may well be better. 

I for one would not change the relationship I have with my kids and wife for a life of gallivanting around banging hot 20-somethings (maybe just a weekend a year?). My daughter saying 'I love you daddy' is more than enough compensation for the sacrifice.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> The accepted optimum 'mixed strategy' for human females is to marry the provider and supplement the genes by occasionally having sex with the personal-trainer type. This strikes fear into the heart of most of us 'nice guys' but we have to remember that the accepted optimum strategy for human males is to maintain a mini-hareem and jump every hot 20 year old that we can. We don't generally do it and neither will they. Seeing things in cold scientific terms can be scary at times.


40% of women cheat sometimes in their relationship.

It is estimated that 5%-20% of the children have a father other than who they think is the father.

Those statistics are what should scare nice guys.


----------



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Where is the "There are no secrets in marriage" crowd?


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> The part i highlighted is the key to what she is sexually attracted to.
> She is not aroused by a " nice guy."
> Whenever you have sex with her , forget the Casanova BS and go hard.
> And stop the " nice guy" stuff.
> Also stop feeling sorry for yourself. She told you that because she wants you to take a hint , IMO.


Just do what I like with her everytime we had sex? Regardless what her feeling is? Well, I don't think I could do that.
Maybe I should try some domination, soft ones though. Like blindfold and tying her hands to the post.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Horsa said:


> Just do what I like with her everytime we had sex? Regardless what her feeling is? Well, I don't think I could do that.
> Maybe I should try some domination, soft ones though. Like blindfold and tying her hands to the post.


Going through the motions is not going to mean anything, unless it is heartfelt. Tying her up is great, but it is contrived. I would suggest looking at porn, thinking about sex, cranking up your desire without release for a good while, so that you get to the point where you just need to take her. No thinking about her orgasms, no oral before hand, just hair-pulling, ass-grabbing animalistic rutting. My mrs loves it, not every time obviously but every now and again. 

I also think you are too worried about this. She was insensitive, but if she was sitting there yearning for this dude she wouldn't have said anything. I had a great sex-life with my ex, probably better than with my wife, until recently, but that never translated into a desire to be with her or thinking less of my wife.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Thanks for all those responses and advises. I did have some peace now, knowing that I am her best husband as she told me.
As for no Cassanova BS for love making, I will try it once in a while.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Sorry that I had to revisited this topic once again. Last night my DW and I had an argument. I finally get the whole story out of her.
She was beautiful, smart and sexy woman that I love so much.
When I first met her, I had a crush on her instantly. She had those beautiful eyes that I really adore. At first when we had sex, it was mind blowing for me, and she admitted the same for her(later I knew it was because she hadn't had one in six months).
When we were started dating, I just couldn't let my hands off her, so sometimes we just had quickies. She teached me a lot on sex in the beginning (since I was a geek), she show me how to play with her breast and she did told me about how her first BF could get her to climax by licking her breast. I asked her how did he do it? She said she don't know, but she know his tongue was very fast and flexible. After a few quickies where she didn't climax, she began telling me stories about how her first BF would go down on her and made her so horny, she would climax soon after he entered her and make a few pushes, and how she did return the favor by going down on him sometimes. She admitted that he was her first love and she did compare us when she told me those stories. 
After we married, we had to move to another city, where she had no friends or acquintances, and she felt lonely because I was in my new work and had to work mostly 12 hours a day (sometimes 16 hours a day). That when she began to wonder about her wild past life, she remembered her past great sex experiences with her last BF, and that when she told me about her drug induced great orgasms with him, and how he was bigger than me in penis size.
So those stories did haunt me for 5 years now, and although I tried very hard to let it go, sometimes it just bounce back to haunt me. I am trying to be a guy with good self esteem, but my ego sometimes couldn't let it go.
She did told me that she was very sorry and she will do anything for me if I could get over it, but I don't think she really mean it. When after our first child was born, I asked and even begged her to do kegel, and she just didn't. When I finally exploded after our second child was born that she began doing it daily untill now. If I want something from her, I had to exploded first before she taked it seriously. She longed to lose those weight after each pregnancy, but did nothing about it. She complained that she was not sexy, and reject my advances on sex. I was the one making the efforts to get her to exercise but to no avail. I finally found her a diet pill (acaiberry) that works miracle for her. And also those small white lies she told me along the way made me never really believe her now. She did said that I made her feel that I hate her so much now. I don't hate her, I'm sad. I never raised my voice with her anymore. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gangland (Aug 3, 2012)

I hate to say it.. but honestly, I'd say you should'nt have married this woman. She's not over her ex. You know how I know this? Because she still talks about him in a romantic light. Not only that.. but she's thrown it in your face numerous times.

That's blatant disrespect. She doesn't care at all how you feel. You have to blow up before you're even heard. No one and I mean no one deserves to live in such misery.

That's my 2 cents.


----------



## Gangland (Aug 3, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> This is a model of femal attraction but it is quite simplistic. After all most women in the end choose 'nice guys' to marry and have kids with. Analysis of Evolutionarily Stable Strategies, which figures out which strategies become dominant over time because they are successful, suggest that you are still better off being a reliable-provider type.
> 
> I don't think we all need to panic and start acting like James Dean.


Women don't choose nice guys.. they settle for them. If it wasn't the case.. why is the op's wife still pining over the James Dean like guy she's no longer with?

Women want both... the high status gives them the tingles (what the ex is giving her) the provider stuff makes her feel secure. (what the OP is doing for her) 

The problem is that men do the provider thing very easily, we're trained to from birth. It's the Jerk or Alpha that this guy needs more of and that's why I perscribed it for him.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Gangland said:


> Women don't choose nice guys.. they settle for them. If it wasn't the case.. why is the op's wife still pining over the James Dean like guy she's no longer with?
> 
> Women want both... the high status gives them the tingles (what the ex is giving her) the provider stuff makes her feel secure. (what the OP is doing for her)
> 
> The problem is that men do the provider thing very easily, we're trained to from birth. It's the Jerk or Alpha that this guy needs more of and that's why I perscribed it for him.


NO, not a Jerk. Big difference. Women want an Alpha but don't want to marry jerks or to stay with jerks very long even if the sex is hot.

I want a good, loyal, strong, hot Alpha, not a bad boy.

A marriage-material alpha would be a nice, admirable, loyal guy but not a spineless 'pleaser'. He should act very confidently and decisively, and be a leader in the family. I don't care if my guy leads other guys at work or makes lots of money, but I could lose attraction if my H complained about his boss for months and never took any action to find a different job. It would be not be alpha if my guy was lazy, and didn't work hard at something whether it be at work or at home. Be active not passive. He shouldn't sit around too often playing video games or watching TV - get up and make plans for a night out with your wife.

He should be a super-confident, loud, 'wild man' in bed in a fun and flirty way (e.g. pick her up and push her down on the bed), but still usually satisfy his W first. Give her a hard and passionate kiss in the morning before you leave for work. An alpha would expect some sort of oral sex right from the beginning of the relationship but always be willing to reciprocate. Sex shouldn't be one sided unless the woman gives signals that she doesn't want to try for an O that time. A jerk who expects a blow job and doesn't offer to do anything for his W is not attractive at all.

He shouldn't be a liar or cheat - NO woman really wants to be married to a guy like that (even though plenty of women do marry guys like that out of lack of self esteem or naivete but they keep hoping their guy will stop doing it). 

The sexiest thing is a nice guy who acts rough only during sex when both people know it is play. If 'taking her' wasn't part of sexual play and was rape, obviously she would hate it. He should never hurt her physically (except if she asks for it in sex play). He should never lose his temper and yell (or worse), he should express any disapproval or anger by respectfully and calmly (maybe sternly) saying what he will tolerate and by his actions such as spending less time with her or giving her less attention. He shouldn't cave to unreasonable requests from his W or children.

A good alpha has control of his urges and doesn't eat too much and doesn't gain a bunch of weight. He is wise about his health, and keeps fit doing weights and cardio. Smoking is not sexy (since the 1960's anyway). Drinking so much that you are sloppy drunk or doing drugs regularly isn't appealing in a long-term marriage partner, at least to me.

I want my guy to most decisions (about small things) and be the leader, but make the decisions together on anything important, if that makes sense. I'd only like him to act controlling or bossy in bed (as play), since that is hot, but not control me in other ways unless I'm being unreasonable about something. An H should have a strong spine and not take any sh!t, e.g. he should be willing to walk away if not treated with respect. 

The key is her knowing you are willing to leave if things are not to your liking, and you can't just say this, she has to believe it.

I don't understand why (overly beta) guys find it so hard to add a few of these 'good' alpha qualities, or they seem to have the misconception that being alpha means being a jerk.


----------



## Gangland (Aug 3, 2012)

Kari said:


> NO, not a Jerk. Big difference. Women want an Alpha but don't want to marry jerks or to stay with jerks very long even if the sex is hot.
> 
> I want a good, loyal, strong, hot Alpha, not a bad boy.
> 
> ...


Pardon my french.. I only say jerk because to tell a nice guy to simply be more assertive is never enough. 

The problem is that if you lead and are decisive.. a lot of times you come of as a jerk because you make a decision with someone elses input and sometimes it goes againts what they want.

Point blank... being a jerk is better than being nice.. because only a mate of higher value than you can be a jerk to you. This is why women go running back over and over to the guys you would think they shouldn't.

I don't advocate being a complete jerk.. marriage is mutual. But to the OP its obvious that to him, what he did was jerkish (he's punishing himself like he did something brutish).. I'm trying to give him permission do do that. Maybe I worded it wrong. but I felt .. "be more assertive" wasn't the right phrase.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Ok, I think I get it, but it will not be an easy task. Be assertive, be bold, develop "take it or leave it" attitude. Just be happy for myself. It's just that I've been a nice guy for so long, but I will try harder this time. I do love my wife and our family. Hope I stay strong this time, and stop whinning. Thanks all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Horsa said:


> Ok, I think I get it, but it will not be an easy task. Be assertive, be bold, develop "take it or leave it" attitude. Just be happy for myself. It's just that I've been a nice guy for so long, but I will try harder this time. I do love my wife and our family. Hope I stay strong this time, and stop whinning. Thanks all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You also can't get too upset about a sexual experience she had when she was young and the world was a more exciting place. You can't recreate youthful wonder at the world of sex when you have two kids and a mortgage. If you can just relax and try and forget about it your bond will strengthen and your sex life will become deeper and more spiritual.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Are you having trouble reaching orgasm? A guide for women

I used to have them fast in easy in just seconds. Now it takes longer. Doing the same stuff with the same guy. It's different when you're younger and just all around horny.


----------



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Google "Jason Julius". He made a set called the female blueprint. Check it out, lots of great tips and this guy is very very accurate! I mean he believes in having a woman in an "orgasmic state" before doing other things. You can get email for his free videos but if you want the detailed version and diagrams, buy the set.

By the way sex is an olympic sport. Whats the point of being 2nd best? I want my wife to be the best Ive experienced and I want to be the best she has experienced. Dont feel bad, my wife did the same thing with mentioning something similar (said her ex made her orgasm from oral five times in one night but she wont let me do it past twice because she claims its too much for a 3rd or more. Doesnt add up?). At first I was mad but Im trying to see things as the glass half full these days. She told you that for a reason. Honestly, anyone will put up with anything for long periods of time if they are getting what they want 80% of the time. Granted she mentioned you and an ex in the same discussion. + notes, who did she end up with? Who did she break up with? who did she marry? Who did she have not 1, but a 2nd child with? If that guy was really laying the pipe no matter how much bs he was putting her through, that relationship could have gone further, hell she could have married him and ended up divorced. Look at it as maybe she told you that as some kind of motivation. Like hey babe, youve been slacking. You havent been providing consistent A1 like you usually do, heres a reminder to help you put the crown back on that you wear daily (then that spill about he ex). Put the damn crown back on and get back on the throne!

Now you can look at it this way too. I dont know if you have been monitoring the news but recently there was another teacher-student sex scandal in TX. Think it was Ft. Worth/Dallas area? This female teacher was having sex with a bunch of high school kids, they said in one event they had a gang bang on her! Like five of these guys ranging 16-18 in age all doing some group activity with this one teacher. Shes going to prison for it, 5 years. Anyway. This woman was married with three children. You would think these young guys would be the last thing on her mind but apparently not. They said too somewhere in the 1000's of text messages she was passing to this one guy who coordinated this with his buddies to get this teacher she mentioned "you have something I want". Whats that you say? Dominance! I've realized as a single man I could play one role and that was myself. As a married man, I have to play many roles and that includes a stern/loving/caring/right direction father, I have to be a listener/dominant/nice/good/bad/leader/man of many talents/intelligent/sports junky/muscle head/chick flick watching/beering and liquor drinking man. I still have to be everything she wants me to be + myself + the single guy. It's rough sometimes but when you start to reap the benefits you will love being a Dean Malenko, man of 1000 moves.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

OP: I might sound out of place here, but your wife was a b!tch for telling you that. Nothing good could come from boistering about previous sexual encounters that don't involve you.

As a rule I never mention any kind of sexual encounters I've had with ex-girlfriends. All comparisons do is create uneasiness in relationships because someone will ultimately feel like they'll never add up.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> You also can't get too upset about a sexual experience she had when she was young and the world was a more exciting place. You can't recreate youthful wonder at the world of sex when you have two kids and a mortgage. If you can just relax and try and forget about it your bond will strengthen and your sex life will become deeper and more spiritual.


I knew I shouldn't get too upset about her past sex experience, but she was so insensitive when she brought those up to me. And it did hurt me deeply, and forgetting is not easy when she didn't feel sorry and didn't do anything about it. And sometimes when I have anxiety attack when performing, she did criticized me about it. When I asked her if she was in my shoes, she said she will be hurt but she will forget it for the sake of our family, as easily as that. Damn, that nearly drive me mad, that I almost spilled my past. But I didn't do it because first, my past sex life before her was not great, and second, I know if I made something up just to hurt her, our marriage will be almost irreparable.

I love to see the time when I could just relax and forget about it, and I hope that our bond will be strengthen and deeper. I just need to hang in there now, work myself out, be bold and assertive, and be happy with my self.


----------



## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

needguidance said:


> By the way sex is an olympic sport. Whats the point of being 2nd best? I want my wife to be the best Ive experienced and I want to be the best she has experienced. Dont feel bad, my wife did the same thing with mentioning something similar (said her ex made her orgasm from oral five times in one night but she wont let me do it past twice because she claims its too much for a 3rd or more. Doesnt add up?). At first I was mad but Im trying to see things as the glass half full these days. She told you that for a reason. Honestly, anyone will put up with anything for long periods of time if they are getting what they want 80% of the time. Granted she mentioned you and an ex in the same discussion. + notes, who did she end up with? Who did she break up with? who did she marry? Who did she have not 1, but a 2nd child with? If that guy was really laying the pipe no matter how much bs he was putting her through, that relationship could have gone further, hell she could have married him and ended up divorced. Look at it as maybe she told you that as some kind of motivation. Like hey babe, youve been slacking. You havent been providing consistent A1 like you usually do, heres a reminder to help you put the crown back on that you wear daily (then that spill about he ex). Put the damn crown back on and get back on the throne!


Thanks for this new way of seeing. I just hope I could believe it enough to pull it through. I will try, and I really appreciated it.


----------

