# How to lift the "fog"



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Well - H and I met last night. For the last month and a half we've been trying to get together once a week. We really end up hanging out and (seem) to just enjoy each other's company...we have "small talk" conversations, and each time he seems to be more engaged in the conversation, with the exeption of when he was sick. So last week I brought up the idea of me moving back home and us working things out.

(If you haven't read my prev. posts, H and I just didn't cimmunicate well and I was not happy with myself thus causing strain on the relationship -- no affairs, abuse, addictions or anything like that)

Well we talked about me moving back home last night -- and he said "Ill think about it"....which has be slightly discouraged. He seems to be so fixated on the stuff that's gone wrong that he cannot see all the good. I told him flat out that I believe he would have filed for divorce it that is what he wanted.....

I mentioned to him that I believe a big part of our downfall was communication based, along with stuff that I did (picked fights, was crabby, etc). I have been diligently working on myself and feel better than I have in YEARS.....so now I sit and wonder how to I get my H out of his fog. Any ideas??


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Have you both gone to marriage counseling? Individual counseling might help as well. You both have plenty to say, but you aren't saying it to each other.

Ask him what he wants from the marriage. Ask for a list of the good things about it, and the things that must change. See if he's interested in the same type of list from you.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

The only way to "help" someone out of their "fog" is to improve yourself so that you are an attractive option to him again. You cannot force someone out of a fog...

Basically those of us with bad behavior who have pushed our loved ones away have a HUGE uphill battle to climb. Me included. Trust is a big thing with our spouses. They need to trust we will not treat them the same way as before. Until this happens we are not getting back into our homes unless it's a financial reason.

If you really want to get back in, don't ask if you can go home again until you know for sure and be honest with yourself that you will not repeat the same mistakes. Even then it's not a sure thing. I hate to say it but when some people are done they are done. It sounds like your H is not done just yet.... good for you. Keep at it Sister.... improve yourself.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Have you both gone to marriage counseling? Individual counseling might help as well. You both have plenty to say, but you aren't saying it to each other.
> 
> Ask him what he wants from the marriage. Ask for a list of the good things about it, and the things that must change. See if he's interested in the same type of list from you.


Her Too -- the list thing was done and boy did that backfire....it made him tense and irritable and actually made things worse -- that was the done about 3 weeks before the "S" hit the fan. 

As for MC - H is not interested, he is very against counseling from his prev. experiences as a kid....and me being honest means me saying I'm really not gung ho for it either -- from most of what I've read on here, and in other research it just exacerbates the situation and becomes a big game of who to blame. I am not intersted in that. I want to make good on what I've done, and I feel that by me being more patient, loving, etc with him, he will begin to give me the things that I've needed. 

What's hard here is that I know my H well enough to say that he just prefer not to deal -- which means fog forever....this is what I am having a hard time with. I love him. I want things to work. I believe they can work. There are no other people involved (other than his shady brother) - so it's not a pick me over her situation. 

It's a matter of him saying yep - we're going to work on this, we're worth it....or if he's done, then file for divorce. I will not do this for him. I do not want a divorce - and this is what is so difficult for my support system to understand.

Sorry - venting....


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

PS - I left, I was not asked to leave - basically brother got involved and spoke FOR H.....and so it snowballed....


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