# stuck in the middle, not divorced not together



## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

I posted here a couple of times a few months ago. I got helpful advice. I appreciate even the comments that seemed fairly rotten at the time. 

Last year I found out my wife had an affair. We went to counseling. After a little while (and a suggestion from someone here) I realized our counselor was toxic. Long story short, she was my wife's individual therapist not our marriage counselor. Our counseling went through several phases. First we talked about all of my shortcomings. Then we talked about all of her mother's abuses to her. Then we both did individual counseling where my wife and her became best friends while the counselor told me to be patient and forgive. Eventually, I told the counselor to get lost. My wife continues to get individual counseling from her. I chose a new counselor who I respect more. 

Since I stopped counseling in January we agreed to split. She asked me to wait until June to separate as it would be easier on the kids to move. We live on a small island in the Pacific with very little resources or social support. Waiting until June for the kids was totally appropriate. We don't fight and are not hostile. We even vacationed in New Zealand very well together. The vacation was semi planned and promised to the kids before I found out about the affair.

But they are gone now, back to the states. I plan on moving back in August or September. I finish my contract here in August. I do not want to live with her, though financially it would make sense since I have no new job lined up. 

Ever since I found out about the affair my life has been a roller coaster. It has been more than 6 months but I am still feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I am resentful toward my wife, I feel rage against her lover, I miss her, I miss the kids, I am lonely but so glad she is not here. I want to date but really just don't care enough to ask someone to go on a date (BTW there is no tinder or dating apps available here. It is a small island. I tried. There were three women on. One superliked me right away. She lived on a different island and she seemed nice but I am not going to fly that far for a date. Social networking just does not work unless you have a crowd of people who don't know each other.) I have been spending time with friends. There is a pretty fun crowd of ex-pat types that I get together with once or twice a week. 

What do other people do in this phase? I really don't know what to do with myself. My life for the last 15 years has been work, help kids with homework, spend time with wife and/or kids. I really don't know what to do with myself. I am taking a martial arts class. Meh. It is cool for an hour but not that great. Are there other guys out there who have made the most of their time apart from their families?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Everyone is different, but you are doing some of the right things. Get yourself back out there and socialize. I don't mean date, just have a group of friends you can count on for some fun and support. Start to work on you, reflect on how your marriage got to the point it did, what you could have done better, and try to make yourself a better person. Will not change your current marriage but may put you in a better place for the future.

First thing I did was buy a new bed that I liked, oh that thing is great (My ex loved water beds and they just hurt my back). I also started back on old hobbies, learned to cook different things, and I worked out a lot. I can't tell you how many miles I logged in that first year after my ex left. Read a bunch of self help books and did a little IC to find my faults and how to work on them.

It takes a while to get into a new routine being single, but I think eventually you will find it pretty enjoyable.


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## drabolski (Jun 21, 2017)

I was a kid from a family with similar problem of yours. Dad moved to another city without anything on him and started a new life. He did not called me or my mother for a half year or so, but I understoon that he needed time. Mom couldn't stop talking about him tho. Now he is happy with his life and I visit him often. If you can't move, C3156 said good advice, buy new bed, wardrobe. Get involved in something you always wanted to do.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did you expose the A? 

Did your wife go N/C and get tested for stds?

use this time to figure out what you want.

Is she remoreseful? Sometimes when the A murders the marriage, the marriage is dead and can't be renewed.

sorry - all A's murder the marriage, not sometimes. That is why R is so hard. you have to try to start a new marriage with the dead corpse of the old marriage chained to your leg.

That counselor should have started the counseling on the A. not the other things. Does your wife want the marriage?

if she dos not, do not go home. Go to some other relative. Are you still paying her bills? How do you know she is not having another A while you are gone?


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

Roller coaster is a apt description. You don't have to give up on your marriage just yet if you're not ready. Talk to her. See if she is remorseful and willing to work on why she had an affair. You can also be done completely. You make that decision. If you are done completely, stay close to be with your kids at least. You will need them and they will need you. Good luck!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

What you need are some hobbies and exercise to help pass the time.


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