# Lack of sex- At a loss!!



## 20SomethingGuy (Jun 3, 2013)

I feel guilty already of seeking advice for this issue, but I am at such a loss and need help.
My wife and I have been married a little over a year, together for about 8. We're both in our early 20's, professionals. No kids. 

My wife is a wonderful, loving woman whom I love with all my heart. We get along great, and have built quiet a wonderful, functional relationship. We both greatly enjoy our time together. 

All is perfect except for one area. Sex. We never have sex. More like once every two weeks. Even then it is lacking intimacy and I feel no emotional connection during our sex. I almost feel as if it is pity sex. I make an effort to stay fit, treat her well, and make her happy. 

I just don't know what to do. This has been an issue since about two years into our relationship. We have discussed it more times than I care to count. It used to be that it never happened, now it's infrequent and it leaves me with a void. I feel like I really need to feel that connection as much as I physically need sex. 

I have tried it all. Massages. Nice, upscale dinners with alcohol. Vacations alone. None seem to illicit that spark I feel should be there. Again, if the sex happens I do not feel it is love making. I always initialize. I cannot recall the last time she did; it has probably been longer than 5 years. 

I am willing to give any more info if it will help. I am not okay with an open relationship. I need advice on what to do. I am at such a standtill, but there is no way I can see this continuing for the rest of my life. I understand my sex drive is high now, but I do not think it will ever be that low. I feel often as if I have a room mate and best friend. Sometimes we connect on an emotional level via hugging, embracing, and snuggling. But that is all. I just don't know what to do. No one I know has a functional marriage and my parent have been divorced for 10 years. 

Thank you for your time in reading and your advice on a difficult subject.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why did you marry her when your sex life was lousy for the last 6 years? And now you magically expect her to be different? Good luck with that...

You could read up on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer", but personally, I think the odds of you turning things around are slim to none. Have you talked to her about the problem? What does she say?

C


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

What happened two years ago? Any medication, major life change? Medical issues? Trauma? Loss of job? Things can creep up on you and affect you on different ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You mention talking with her a lot about this. What does she say? 
How does she respond when you touch her in any fashion - from a pat on he shoulder or a kiss or a massage or intimate touching?
Does she ever touch you - hugs or hand holding or snuggling close?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What birth control do you use?

When there is an issue, who typically brings it up and how is it handled?

What does she do with her free time?

How often is uninspired sex happening compared to passionate sex?

How difficult, or easily, does she reach orgasm?

You spend time with her, you are affectionate with her, you help around the house and romance her. Whatdoes she do to show her love for you?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Marriage is a sexual contract. Nothing less. Everyone knows this, some deny themselves this fact, and deny it to their spouses anyway. Read up those books and get started on improving your sex life.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sexual mismatch. You are HD and she is LD.

Her LD could be due to abuse as a child, bad ex bf, medical condition, hurts to have sex.

You guys need marriage counseling. Being in your 20's and no kids and money isn't an issue, you guys should be having sex all the time and not 1 - 2x month and its basically duty sex.

You guys sound just like my wife and I, because we got married in our 20's and the sex was 1 - 2x month.

She may grow out of her LD or she may never. You have to think could I deal with this 10+ years down the road?

She can communicate her desires to you and you do the same. Talking.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Also wondering what she says when you talk about it - what her reasons are for the sex not happening often and for its lack of passion. 

I do know several couples who have had luck negotiating sex per week that is a compromise. Of course this only works if she is going to give it her all during these times. Nobody wants pity sex.

Adding - I'm sorry you are going through this. Ive always had a higher drive than my husband - I see these situations from the side I'm on - it seems so easy to fix and so heartless on the other persons side. Once you get married every sexual experience you will have in life is at the other persons discretion.


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## 20SomethingGuy (Jun 3, 2013)

Thanks for all of the info! I'll try to answer all of the questions:

@Cuddlebug: Yes I have read some on here and I thought that may be the case. I am just not sure if I can live with this in 10 years. Even if I can deal I'm not sure it will be a healthy relationship as it causes alot of resentment on my end, which I hate. We have talked SOO much. It always gets better for a short while, but it's still never passionate. 

@MrBrains: I will look those books up. Thanks for the info.

@Anon Pink: *Usually condoms and timing.
*When there is an issue, I would say she tends to keep it in then bring up, and I may be too quick to bring up potential issues.
*With her free time, she usually reads, watches tube, hangs out with her family. When we are both free we do alot of fun stuff together though. 
*I cannot even remember the last time passionate sex happened. Even the occasional (once every 4-6 months) good sex we have, it is not usually passionate.
*No O. She only has a few times, and that's when we first began having sex. Yeah I know it doesn't sound very good. 
*To show love for me she if very affectionate. She likes to hug, cuddle, hold hands alot. I feel very bad for saying this but because of the sexual rejection alot of my 'affection' has faded, and often I only do these things to appease her, and sometimes she notices. I have made an effort (for about 6-8 months) to be truly more affectionate. She seemed happier, but sex was still the same.

@Maneo: When we talk she says she just doesn't have much of a drive. Like I said things get a little better for a month or so, but then it's the same. That's only when things get really bad though. I have tried to get her to see a doc for years, but she wont (can't completely blame her, as she didn't have insurance until about a year ago). When I try to kiss her or if she even thinks I am getting at sex she withdraws. She doesn't feel like it. Her head hurts. She is too full from dinner. She is too tired. I've got to the point that I dont even get upset, I'm so sick of arguing over it. It makes me feel like less of a man. 

@Mablenc: No, nothing happened at that point. I think she just got more used to me and It wasn't new anymore. She won't admit that, but whatever it was it has really hurt us.

@PBEAR: Yeah I am in love with her. I didn't want to ruin everything we have and my dream girl over sex. But now I am realizing that it is. I will look at that for sure.

Thank you all for your replies. I should probably add that, at this point, my sexual desire for her has dwindled significantly. I don't know if this is repairable or not. I don't really know, but I feel that each time I am rejected and each time I deal with it myself it changes our dynamic alot. Thanks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I see 3 major red flags that could lead to a solution.

1. Her sex drive dwindled very shortly after your emotional connection began to be serious, and has stayed that way.

2. She broods about issues and doesn't seek solutions.

3. She doesn't have orgasms during sex with you.

How open is she about talking about sex and sexuality in general? (try to separate talking about your sex life from talking about sex in general) When you two have sex, does she give you directions or hints about what she wants? Does she enjoy cunillingus? How often does she masturbate? Does she ever read erotic stories or trashy romance? How comfortable is she with her body?

A person who brood about issues or problems is a person who tends to avoid interpersonal challenges. They see this little challenges and squabbles as a conflict to be avoided. Instead of ringing up with you what's on her mind, she leaves you to guess and prompt. Is this passive aggressive behavior? To a certain extent YES! But for now that's not important.

Her sex drive began to dwindle as soon as the early intense love began to wear down. She doesn't know HOW to amp up her passion because she has always focused on keeping things chill.

When you have this conversation with her, about why she doesn't seem to have a passionate sex drive toward you and how this hurts you, what does she say? Is she amendable to working on it?


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## 20SomethingGuy (Jun 3, 2013)

Thanks again for the reply Anon.
We used to talk about sex, before things dwindled. Now she doesn't. If I try to talk to about it she just laughs or avoids the topic. I don't really understand. We don't really talk about sex in general. Or our sex life. We just rented a new house in a new town and things are going so good I just can't seem to bring it up and argue again. I would if I thought it'd help, but it only ever leads to more resentment on my end and her being emotional. 

Those are interesting questions. She does not like cunnigluis, but she used to. I try to do things simply to pleasure her, and she will not allow me. She 'doesn't feel like that'. The masturbation, I have no clue. She always says she doesn't, but I have caught her/ saw porn several times. I say several times because I don't even look anymore. Those times, I have tried to explain to her I wish she'd save her sexual energy for me, and she doesn't seem to think it affects us. She is a very honest person, but she is not always willing to accept things about herself that may be negative, such as masturbation hurting us. Like I said, though, I have no clue how often it is. And nope, no erotic books. I have tried to 'mix things up'. I ask her all the time what she likes, or just try something new. She never gives me any info, but anything new we try she never likes. I believe she is comfortable with her body. She lost about ~15 pounds in the last two years and is in good shape, but before that she said she had self-esteem issues.

When we have conversations, she tells me she just doesn't have much of a drive. She seems to think it is passionate more often than it actually is. She always denies the facts. I just don't know if it's ammendable now. I feel very bad because I haven't even told her recently how bad this is bothering me. She has no idea what level I am on and I feel that she will be blindsided when I tell her. This bothers me tremendously because we have always been very close and had excellent communication. I am just tired of arguing and going through a cycle of arguing which only leads to sex, not the passion that should be there. 
You seem to be very intelligent on the manner so you may see some meaning in this. About once a month or so, she will tell me she wanted to have sex in the middle of the night. She will always say ' I started to wake you up'. In our entire relationship this has never happened. I always tell her I would very much enjoy that, but she says she didnt want to wake me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your wife sounds just like mine and we've been married for over 13 years. Her LD is still the same....

In my situation, it was how she was raised by her parents, she was told she's fat and won't amount to much and her ex bf was a real jerk. So she is shy, insecure and doesn't want sex much and loves to read and talk but does nothing serious about it.

Try surprising your sweetie with flowers and a card before she gets up. Have dinner ready before she gets home if that's possible. Go out for romantic walks holding her hand. Romantic picnics, hikes, etc. Have a final serious talk with her and lay it all out on the table. You want to have a healthy sex life with her. As it stands you are sexually starved. Tell her we need to go to counseling or I want a divorce.

See if that gets her attention.

Many spouses today think that after getting married, sex isn't important and they don't have to change. That can't be more wrong in so many ways. Each spouse is to give of themselves for their other half. It could be more sex, cuddling, talking, going out more, etc. But no spouse is to deny their other half their needs. Then why did they get married? That's selfish of them.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm wondering how she feels sexual in her own right, apart from in her relationship with you? Not saying that your should know this, but I think that a woman's sexuality is (or can be) something that exits outside of her romantic and sexual relationships. If she can develop and nurture her sexual side for herself, there is a better chance that she can express herself sexually to you. 

If she does masturbate and look at porn, then I'd say that is a good thing: it shows that she has sexual urges that she is addressing for herself. I guess the bad news is that she seems to be LD when it comes to you. 

Resentment is a relationship killer. If you are resentful, then I'm betting she is picking up on it and is worried about it. It could be that she is at a loss as to what to do to intensify her desire for you, and avoidance is her go-to coping mechanism. 

Issues with body image are desire killers. You say that you don't think she has any, but I know I hid many, many issues from my husband because I was embarrassed and because I didn't want to call attention to what I considered to be my flaws. I don't think it really matters how hot you (or others) think she is, what matters is how she sees herself. 

It's troubling that she doesn't orgasm with you. Sex should be pleasurable for her, too--otherwise, yeah, I can see how you'd call it duty sex and why she'd not look forward to it. Any chance you could ask her if she can make herself orgasm consistently when masturbating? Any chance she'd let you watch for a "lesson" if you asked?

Although it's frustrating and seems futile to you, I don't think you can give up if you want to be happily married to this woman. You have to find a way to communicate to her what a sex life with her means to you. My husband waited out ten years of my LD until I finally understood and chose to make the effort to address my issues (one of which was resentment.) 

Ask her if she will do some reading about this issue and how it can wreck marriages. It made all the difference to me to come here to TAL and hear the stories of other men with LD wives. If she loves you and wants you and if she is otherwise happy with your marriage, maybe she will come to realize that this is something she can find a way to work on. 

As I mentioned, it might mean that she focuses on feeling more sexual herself first. I know it's asking a lot to tell you to try and be patient, but I can tell you from experience that if my husband had given up on trying to make me understand, we would have been headed for a much more dismal emotional and sexual future than the one we are looking at now. 

Good luck, and good for you for seeing advice and help.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You have to tell her how badly this is hurting you. Until I began to read this forum I really didn't understand that men felt personally rejected when their wives don't want sex. My husband never showed hurt, just anger and distance. Now that we are so many years passed those times, I can look back and see how badly and how frequently I hurt him and it really upsets me.

You have to make her understand that you, as most men, connect via sex and when she doesn't want it, you feel as if she has just told you I don't love you. She can't make you feel love any other way except by having sex with you. Women MUST understand this and men must make themselves understood.

Hang in there, but be firm!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

learn how to give her orgasms.....ask her if she act shy insist that being open about what she and you like sexually is important to the health of a marriage.

if she refuses punt and get a divorce you don't want this for the rest of your life or until neither of you can take it anymore and an affair or kids arrive. and then an affair.

if it were me I'd be out of there knowing what I know now.

hind sight is 20/20


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## 20SomethingGuy (Jun 3, 2013)

Thanks again for the help all.
I suppose a bit of an update is due:

I talked to my wife at length about the issue. about two hours (an hour for two days). I'm really not sure where we are now. These were the conclusions:
She feels that her sexual rejection occurred as a result of my controlling and demeaning attitude. I told her I wont deny that I was like that before (I realized and changed about 2 years ago), but that all I can do is apologize and change. To be more specific, I used to be critical of things she did (not overly, but too her it was too much). I was never physically or emotionally abusive, just inmature I think.

To be fair, she used to be very verbally and emotionally abusive. Moreso than me I think, but who cares. 

Anyway, I told her that I cannot continue to live like this. I told her I am willing to do whatever to help the situation, but the only thing she could think of (to be fair she didn't have time to think like me) is that I am not affectionate enough. I should explain: I am not affectionate enough for her. We cuddle every day, kiss/embrace when we see each other, hold hands almost everywhere, kiss goodnight/ I love you's, and the random hug/ Kiss. However, she likes to hug very often embrace very often, and I am usually just busy. I know it sounds bad and It's something I will work at, but I just don't think that's enough to justify a sexless marriage. 

I don't know if things are better or worse. I didn't console her after the talk like I usually do, even though she was upset. I just can't. I always do that and this time I feel like it's her turn to step up. We didn't embrace when she came home today or talk too awful much like we usually do. I'm just not not very happy. 

The conclusion of our talks were: I'm unhappy, hurt, and don't want sex with her right now. She doesn't know how to want to have passionate sex because she says she has all this resentment that I really didn't know about. I told her I don't want to divorce (I love her so much) but this isin't healthy and I'm holding way too much in. Sure our day to day lives are happy and I hate to be this way over sex. I just can't act like it's okay anymore. Is this normal- what usually happens now? I'm always the one to say okay this is how we'll fix it- but I refused this time. I'll do whatever she asks me to, but I feel she needs to show me she's willing to work and take responsibility. Am I in the wrong?

And about the orgasms thing, she's just not willing to try. I can't make her and I am growing weary of being the only one who cares about sex.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There is a moderator who posted an excellent piece about this very issue, Deejo. I frequently wish he would jump in and repost it. It was excellent and I think the perfect plan for you. I'll try to find it and repost with his permission.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tonight, why don't you ask her the following question

Why would you marry a man with a controlling and demeaning attidude?

Refer to a similar post going on by Aesty http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/83961-what-can-i-do-get-fixed-back-healthy.html .. Pay particular attention to what Airtrus wrote.

Based on everything you have posted, my advice is you start the process of divorce in your mind and then in reality.. Divorce is a process not an event... Decide that you are going to have a sexual marriage and keep going until you have one. 

You have to stop thinking you love her she is great and you are apologetic for your own sexual needs... You have to accept that you are a man, you are proud of your sexuality, and that you will have a sexual marriage. They key to having as sexual marriage is accepting only a sexual marriage... 

DO NOT HAVE KIDS


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## tryingtochange (Jun 4, 2013)

some woman do not understand that sex is more than just intercourse...it so much more its one of the most important things in a marriage. Sit down and honestly tell her that this is a huge problem for you and let her know it cause you to withdrawal from her. You love her dearly but this is a deal breaker so please get some help cause thats the only thing holding your marriage back..Good Luck


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## lunita (Jun 11, 2013)

I had a sexless marriage for 10 months after having my second son. I thought my marriage was over. I finally bumped into this book

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<a href="http://17c69dr6vxhk9u9sva7bxiy44y.hop.clickbank.net/" target="_top">Sexless Marriage Cure!</a>
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 It had helped me tremendously. Now we are back to our normal sex life. On average we have sex 3-4 times/week. Which I think is pretty healthy for a couple who've married for 8 years.


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## 20SomethingGuy (Jun 3, 2013)

Hey all, just an update here.
After a couple of long, serious talks (some of which involved the "D" word  ), I think things are getting better. Not sure what is going on but, objectively speaking this has happened:

We have been having sex much more- I find myself satisfied most of the time. She has been enjoying it much more and it is much more passionate. Not sure what happened to do this, but the whole issue created what may have been some much needed 'space'.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

mazel tov, salamat, congratulations!  good for you


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yay! I hope you "praise" her for the efforts in a way that she will feel good about. Not like "good job" like praising a dog...but something like a really intimate well thought out card or sentiment...or buying her some music you know she loves...or take her out to her fave restaurant for no reason.


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