# separated from depressed/emotionally abusive husband



## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

i made a few posts back in may and haven't been on here much since then; mostly i've just been lurking here and then.

my situation is now that i'm separated from my husband. have been since the middle of october. mostly this is just going to be a post to sort of some of my frustrations and maybe call on anybody else who's going through/has gone through something similar.

my H used to be a wonderfully sweet and caring guy. very calm, rarely angry and when he did get angry he was still pretty level-headed about it. we never had any big conflicts or huge fights until a month before we got married, and that was the first time i ever saw any kind of abusive behavior from him; it was incredibly shocking and it caught me off guard to say the least.

ever since then it's just been downhill. he is ex-military and has officially been diagnosed with moderate depression. no official diagnosis of PTSD but i often wonder about it. it took him quite some time to find a job after separating from the military, and he is currently out of work and has been since may, because he has no drive or motivation to get a job, i guess due to the depression.

i've known for almost a year now that he has depression and it's taken just about this long for him to actually admit that and seek some help for it. he was diagnosed about 2 weeks ago and was put on 10 mg of lexapro daily. i'm living with my parents currently and he is at our old apartment, so i really don't know if he's been taking the meds responsibly but i haven't interacted with him enough to notice a difference.

it's gotten to the point where although we interact and see each other every other day or so, it feels very hollow and fake and just weird. i'm still walking on eggshells because there are certain topics i can't bring up lest i be A. screamed at, B. insulted and called names, C. ignored completely, or D. all of the above. i suppose i would have to bring up one of the forbidden subjects and see how he reacts to actually see if the meds were working. but i don't believe his issues are something that can be fixed with meds alone anyway. i'm sure some of it may be exacerbated by the depression, but for the most part i believe he is simply habitually emotionally abusive.

mostly i just find myself confused because he doesn't necessarily fit the classic abuser type or pattern. there isn't much of a cycle of abuse because there has never been a honeymoon period. i believe this is because he genuinely doesn't feel that anything he does is wrong. every malicious word is completely justified and if he said it then i must have done something to warrant it. as such, he has never felt the need to apologize or placate me with flowers or love letters or anything like that.

he's also never really tried to isolate me from friends or family. we lived with my family for a short period of time after we got married when we were in between apartments and trying to find one we could afford. even now, our (his) apartment is a 30 second drive from my parents' house.

he is not really the controlling type either. if anything i'm the more controlling one in the relationship, and i control the money because he can't be responsible with it. he's never tried to control my friendships, where i go, what i wear, etc.

mostly he's just mean. really, really mean. and it's so incredibly confusing because i can't ever tell if he's being truthful when he's angry, or being truthful afterwards when he says he didn't really mean any of what he said. he is so quick to bring up divorce in almost every argument, and then the next day when he realizes i've taken him seriously he acts as though i'm ridiculous for believing it.

i guess i just don't know if i should expect the depression meds to even do any good or not. and i know i need to sit him down and have a talk about where this relationship is going, because at the moment we're not working towards any sort of common goal; just living separate lives that intersect sometimes. normally the minute he senses any kind of serious talk coming, he'll shut down. and i guess if he does that, then i have my answer about ever being able to work anything out.

sorry for the long post. i don't have a lot of outlets for this stuff and when i find one it tends to just all pour out.


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## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Your story is similar to mine. I don't have any advice, but to say hang in there and each day dotes get easier if you stay focused and positive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

Hi there Smorga,

I hope you are well, I read your story and have a couple of questions for you if you don't mind.

1. Has there been any infidelity on your husbands part? 
2. Has he ever physically hurt you?
3.When things were good in the relationship where you happy? Content?
4. Are there any children involved? 

Make a choice , are you willing to support your husband through his treatment? Unfortunately military guys are prone to depression after serving, this is common. I can't imagine what you must be going through and honestly there is no right or wrong answer if you decided to leave the marriage. 

Take my situation , I have been with my STBXH for 6 years married for 2, there has never been a moment in my relationship in which I ever felt happy, loved , content or satisfied. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was always on empty. I decided to leave the marriage not on a mere "grass is greener" notion, but because I know deep down inside that I would be a lot happier by myself and with my daughter. 

Ask yourself the same question.

Hope this helps


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

1. not any physical infidelity, or any kind of long-term emotional affairs, but he is prone to cyber-cheating. if he gets "bored" or too annoyed with me, he will go and make profiles on dating websites and flirt with girls and insist it's just harmless talking.

2. no, he has never physically harmed me and if he had we would be divorced already, no separation needed.

3. before he started becoming emotionally abusive, i was really happy. i thought we both were, but the event that brought about his first angry explosion/outburst was that i found his profile on a dating site a month before we got married. i managed to find a way to forgive him for that and i was fairy happy with him until after our daughter was born in january.

4. yes, we have an almost 1 year old.

i am definitely willing to support him through treatment and he never would have gotten any had it not been for my constant pushing to get it. if he takes his meds responsibly and keeps his appointments i have no issues with it.


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## Married27 (Jul 30, 2013)

1. not any physical infidelity, or any kind of long-term emotional affairs, but he is prone to cyber-cheating. if he gets "bored" or too annoyed with me, he will go and make profiles on dating websites and flirt with girls and insist it's just harmless talking.

Smog, this is cheating. If it was "harmless" why this?

i found his profile on a dating site a month before we got married. i managed to find a way to forgive him for that and i was fairy happy with him until after our daughter was born in january.

It seems to me you are in pure denial, you need to accept the fact that A. He cheated and B. You forgave him for it. Creating dating profiles online and flirting with other women is cheating. Whether you want to accept that or not. If you are willing to forgive him then that's on you. Your husband is already showing some really bad tendencies. These are major red flags, you should not ignore , if you want the relationship to work. He needs help not just anti-depression medication but intensive counseling. It's very obvious that you love him and are willing to work with him, just don't lie to yourself.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

oh i know that it's cheating. i have always considered it as such. he thinks it's harmless is what i'm saying. he gets pissed when i call it cheating, but that's what it is.

nowhere in there did i say it wasn't cheating, i believe i even called it "cyber-cheating." i may be in denial about some things, but that is not one of them. i actually don't really appreciate the implication that i am that heavily in denial about my husband's behavior or that i am lying to myself. i feel like i've been pretty honest about things.

i don't think it's obvious that i love him at all. i'm actually pretty on the fence about that. i'm not so sure what i feel right now. and i do believe i said he needed more than just medication as well. these are bad habits he learned from his parents growing up in an abusive household; medication does not fix that.

i have not ignored any red flags. why do you think i finally moved out? it may have taken me a while, but that doesn't mean i was ignoring anything. i needed to build up the self-confidence to do it and i needed to get my ducks in a row. things are not as easy as i think you think they are.


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