# Discussing topics I don't care about



## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

So my wife is quite passionate about some things. Stuff like minute details about how organisations should operate. 

I really don't care much about these and really struggle to be interested when she want to talk about them... Which is all the time because she is running an organization. I'm happy to hear about them but don't really need the details. 

Where it all goes wrong is when I try to make conversation by saying how I feel about something. If she disagrees with me then it be ones her mission to persuade me that I'm wrong. This leads to in depth discussions which bores me intensely. 

Is the only way to avoid these just agreeing with her all the time? Surely not.

How can I get her to just agree to disagree and move on. Like I say she is very passionate about these and she does love debating..


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah she's a right fighter. I used to be one and those can kill intimacy. Nobody wants to debate with their spouse all the time. It's annoying.

Would your wife go to marriage counseling to work on improving communication? That's where I learned to stop this awful habit.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There is nothing wrong with telling your wife that you are not as invested in this subject as she. Suggest a time limit or a particular day of the week when she can expound - keep your opinions to yourself if you want to get out of class early.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm interested in many topics that my SO isn't interested in, and he loves to talk about his work in minute detail (programming) which I'm not terribly interested in either. However, we both try to listen to one another and then move on to a topic of mutual interest. Any chance of you doing this with your W? 

I agree with Mavash, though, if she wants to debate and thrash to death every topic that comes up, perhaps communication counseling is the answer. Nothing worse for romance than continually being at loggerheads...


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Ah she's a right fighter. I used to be one and those can kill intimacy. Nobody wants to debate with their spouse all the time. It's annoying.
> 
> Would your wife go to marriage counseling to work on improving communication? That's where I learned to stop this awful habit.


Now you just do it on TAM instead!

(Says the pot calling the kettle black... )


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

Well there are probably all sorts of issues we should go to counselling about and we talk about it but never get round to it. Plus it can get quite expensive and we are seriously skint..

Interestingly she would say that I'm the argumentative one, always disagreeing with her point of view, but then not wanting to talk about it fully to resolve it. It is probably a bit of both, but the core issue is that I just have better things to do than talk about the same subjects over and over. 

I am happy to talk about stuff obviously, but I do like a bit of variety in my conversation. I am coincidentally also a programmer and I do enjoy talking about programming. But I just wouldn't even bother bringing it up with her in any detail because she just glazes over. Then she quickly moves back to talking about herself and the same old issues again.


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

*Re: Re: Discussing topics I don't care about*



Blondilocks said:


> There is nothing wrong with telling your wife that you are not as invested in this subject as she. Suggest a time limit or a particular day of the week when she can expound - keep your opinions to yourself if you want to get out of class early.


This is one of the problems. She gets very offended that I am not fascinated with every small aspect of her life.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

My husband is the talker and I am the listener in our relationship, and he loves going into excruciating (to me) detail about subjects that interest him. We also support opposite political parties, so there is plenty of opportunity to annoy each other and to stop communicating, which eventually kills intimacy in a marriage.

What we learned to do was to pick our battles carefully, and to use humor to defuse anger with each other. When he starts to bore me with his detailed explanations, I say, "You know, honey, you are losing me. Can we change the subject?" Sometimes I will say in my best Foghorn Leghorn voice, "Ain't no use 'splaining that to me, boy!" 

You both have to give each other space to be yourselves, and you have to recognize that there are some things you have to let go because you will never convince your spouse of the righteousness of your beliefs. If humor does not stop her, give her a hug and leave the room when she gets overbearing in her rants.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

*Re: Re: Discussing topics I don't care about*



Cosmos said:


> I'm interested in many topics that my SO isn't interested in, and he loves to talk about his work in minute detail (programming) which I'm not terribly interested in either. However, we both try to listen to one another and then move on to a topic of mutual interest. Any chance of you doing this with your W?
> 
> I agree with Mavash, though, if she wants to debate and thrash to death every topic that comes up, perhaps communication counseling is the answer. Nothing worse for romance than continually being at loggerheads...


:agree:


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

ook said:


> So my wife is quite passionate about some things. Stuff like minute details about how organisations should operate.
> 
> I really don't care much about these and really struggle to be interested when she want to talk about them... Which is all the time because she is running an organization. I'm happy to hear about them but don't really need the details.
> 
> ...


So she just wants to hear her opinion repeated back to her in your voice? 

I think that passionate debates have their place but there should be a "don't bring your work to the home" rule as long as it's about day to day. If it affects the marriage/family then yes it should be dicussed in depth, but I would not be so presumptuous as to bore my spouse with minute details that really have no bearing on the family. If I have a burning desire to debate/discuss a work topic then I would talk to my boss and/or co-workers.


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

*Re: Re: Discussing topics I don't care about*



Sanity said:


> So she just wants to hear her opinion repeated back to her in your voice?


The way she phrases it is, she would like my support.

I can see where she is coming from. Quite often a lot of people disagree with her, bit because she is passionate about what she believes in she refuses to back down. So after a day of being disagreed with she just want someone to make her feel like she is doing the right thing.

I am sure she is doing the right thing in general, and she is a lot better at her job than I am..


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

As I see it, it goes both ways. H talks about things I am not interested in and I am sure at times I bore him too. So I just listen and smile and say "that's nice honey". And try to change the subject


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

There's really nothing to do in this situation. If you stop listening, she will be upset. If you answer, she will keep talking.

You have to set some kind of compromise up but don't think because it worked for some people here, it will work with your wife. This is a touchy subject because it could go either way if you bring it up. Some women will start to feel a 'distance' if they don't get to have these conversations with you when they desire.

Just listen.. at the end of the day, she is your wife. I really wouldn't touch this subject unless you are completely fed up. If it's just annoying.. don't try to cause more conflict.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Sometimes we do take advantage of our partners as a sounding board for our ideas or a audience for our venting. 

I have no interest in the detail of the latest child protection legislation but the extra paperwork it generates causes my wife a headache so she "has" to tell me all about it. In the same way I am aware that she does not know the difference between an alternator and a dynamo but I do find myself trying to explain the benefits of each.

As with most thinks in marriage it is about balance, by all means let your partner have a "vent" but do not let it take over the evening.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The other possibility is to help her find a message board that discusses those issues. It is hard to find someone in real life who can give useful feedback AND be discreet with your conversations.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I understand your dilemma but really I find the whole thing very sad. 

She has clearly got things going on in her life that take up a lot of her time...both mental and physical. It is quite alienating in a marraige to feel that there is a very large part of your life that you cannot share with your spouse. If she's sharing things with you it's because they are important to her and weighing heavy on her mind and clearly she values your support. In my opinion it would be a shame to completely cut yourself out as an outlet for her. 

Of course I am posting my opinions here based on my own lens, which is biased due to my own situation. In my marraige I have a career that is very consuming. I practice the "leave it at the door" technique and try to keep a separate home life from my work life. However there are times...for example, when the kids are in bed and we talk about our respective day...that I would really like to share with my H what I am actually going through. 

I have made the mistake of doing what your wife does in the beginning of our marraige. My H was very obvious in his disinterest...playing on his phone, turning on the tv, getting up to do something that def didnt need to be done at that moment. I took the hint and shut up. Now when asked how my day was I simply reply "ok, how about yours?" He replies "ok". No further detail is mentioned and he is happy. 

Meanwhile I feel like my H doesnt even know me at all. He doesn't have a clue what I do on a daily basis, the big things that are on my mind, why I make the choices I make, and so on. I internalize it for the moment and choose not to share most of my deeper thoughts with him because I do not want to be boring to him or feel like I am a drag to be around. As someone else mentioned "keep your opinions to yourself if you want to get out of class early" - seriously I would rather never speak about a subject than be made to feel that my H was gritting his teeth and waiting for me to shut up the whole time. 

I think the dilemma I face in my own marraige, and maybe your wife faces too, is that I always believed that my husband was my best friend. To me best friend = confidant, knows me inside and out, there to listen to my deepest thoughts and mutually share their own. I believe my husbands view of best friend = watch a tv show together a few nights a week, eat dinner together, have sex when he wants and mostly be left alone. I dont think either of us are "right" but there is a huge disappointment on my end coming to grips with the reality that I had a huge misunderstanding of what I should have expected out of marraige. Now it feels like I have to reconcile my own needs against what is a reasonable expectation...ferret out all the things that I am clearly not going to get from the marraige...and figure out a new way to meet those needs while keeping the marraige as my top priority and simultaneously not putting any of my hurt onto my H because it's not his fault that I had messed up fairytale ideas that I am just now realizing were naive. 

Anyway! Very sorry for hijacking. I just felt it was semi relevant to your topic. Of course I am only guessing at how your wife must feel and could have totally missed the boat. So take my perspective with a grain of salt.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I understand your dilemma but really I find the whole thing very sad.
> 
> She has clearly got things going on in her life that take up a lot of her time...both mental and physical. It is quite alienating in a marraige to feel that there is a very large part of your life that you cannot share with your spouse. If she's sharing things with you it's because they are important to her and weighing heavy on her mind and clearly she values your support. In my opinion it would be a shame to completely cut yourself out as an outlet for her.
> 
> ...


Yup, encountered the same situation in my failed marriage. This is why I cringe when people say that (verbal) communication is so important in a marriage. 

These days, I self edit all the time and know not to disclose every thought in my head. 

Perhaps this is one way to keep the mystery up which is useful for keeping the marriage exciting.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

She needs to grow up and you need to stop engaging into the conversation. 

Change your pattern. 

Listen for a bit and grunt and then grab her ass and flirt with her. Change the subject. Throw a pillow at her. 

Definition of insanity. Doing same thing over and over and expecting a different result.


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

*Re: Re: Discussing topics I don't care about*



NextTimeAround said:


> The other possibility is to help her find a message board that discusses those issues. It is hard to find someone in real life who can give useful feedback AND be discreet with your conversations.


She does have other friends, I'm not her only outlet. Sometimes she will be on the phone to a friend for 3 hours talking about the subject and then she'll turn around and say the same things to me..


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## ook (Jan 1, 2013)

Kag123, yes I can imagine you are going through what she is going through. Its good to hear it from her perspective.

The thing is I don't want to not communicate with her. I want to know her and how she feels about things and what is going on for her. 

I'm interested in her, just not in the minute details of how an organization should be run and how government policy affects it.. etc.. somehow she think I can't know her unless I have a detailed knowledge of everything she also knows.


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

Just turn the volume up on the TV ... works for me!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Throw the empty bottle of beer at her as a demand to fetch you another once you realize she's gone on long enough....

J/K


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ook said:


> Kag123, yes I can imagine you are going through what she is going through. Its good to hear it from her perspective.
> 
> The thing is I don't want to not communicate with her. I want to know her and how she feels about things and what is going on for her.
> 
> I'm interested in her, just not in the minute details of how an organization should be run and how government policy affects it.. etc.. somehow she think I can't know her unless I have a detailed knowledge of everything she also knows.


I'm glad you see the difference.

I used to be just like Kag123. Talked incessantly about every minute detail of my day, ignored his clues that he was bored out of his ever lovin mind, the whole nine.

Then I did the same as Kag did I shut up and quit talking completely. He seemed happy with that for a while (a long while actually) and then a funny thing happened he began to miss me.

Now I know it's about balance. Even if your spouse IS your best friend they still don't want to be talked to death. Conversation is a 2 way street. You talk, they talk, you talk, there is an art to a a good conversation and it doesn't involve monopolizing the conversation or completely shutting up. Balance is key.


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