# Is this the beginning of the end?



## eva8686 (Mar 12, 2017)

I am falling out of love with my husband. We have only been together for a total of 4 years, got married when our son was 10 months old (who we got pregnant with only after dating for 6 months) We just had our second child. 
I feel like he was exactly who I wanted as a spouse when we first started dating. He was fun, we'd go out with friends, he would do really nice things for me, he wasn't angry or negative...almost like he was pretending to be this wonderful person because now he is the exact opposite. We have nothing in common. I resent him for the financial situation we find ourselves in, and now I feel trapped. We indebted ourselves to buy a house which at the end we couldn't afford and now we are stuck paying a substantial amount of debt for the next 5 years. He is constantly complaining about the fact that we can't do much because of our money situation and he thinks we are poor ( we are not, he just wishes I made more money) he once even said, oh my coworkers wife makes alot of money that ge doesnt even to work 5 days a week. He also plays video games everyday for at least 5-6 hrs, while I watch the kids, clean and cook. This has been an issue that has come up many times in the last year, he eventually said that he didn't care anymore. I also have issues with his family. His stepmother and brother are untrustworthy, gossipy 2-faced people. 
I love my babies but worry about their well-being if we did ever split up...he barely pays attention to my son. 
I am on maternity leave until January and I have decided to give him until then to show me why we should be married and what to fight for..I will tell him to leave this home if my love has completely died by then and we can start the separation. I have alot of family support and although this will come as a surprise to many it is what it is and I will prevail. So how do I tell him all this? Should I? He would be devastated...what do you guys think of all this? Has anyone gone through something like this and what was the outcome? 

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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

eva8686 said:


> ...almost like he was pretending to be this wonderful person because now he is the exact opposite.


How old are you and your husband? People do tend to change in their 20's. Heck, I'm nothing like the person I was when I was 25. However, keep in mind that when a relationship is new and everyone is in the "honeymoon" phase, you'll generally see each partner putting their best foot forward.




eva8686 said:


> I resent him for the financial situation we find ourselves in, and now I feel trapped. We indebted ourselves to buy a house which at the end we couldn't afford and now we are stuck paying a substantial amount of debt for the next 5 years.


Did you agree to the house you live in? Are you on the mortgage? You are saying "we" indebted ourselves, which makes me assume you had some say in what price house to buy. It can't entirely be his fault, right? 



eva8686 said:


> He also plays video games everyday for at least 5-6 hrs, while I watch the kids, clean and cook. This has been an issue that has come up many times in the last year, he eventually said that *he didn't care anymore*....he barely pays attention to my son.


Maybe he felt trapped and too young to take on so much responsibility. If he says he doesn't care anymore, unless he said that in anger during a fight, I'd take him at his word. I'd suggest you start planning on a Plan B. Your marriage doesn't sound good at all.



eva8686 said:


> I am on maternity leave until January and I have decided to give him until then to show me why we should be married and what to fight for..I will tell him to leave this home if my love has completely died by then and we can start the separation.


I think he's already showing you his level of participation in the marriage. OTOH, it sounds like you are expecting him to man up and show you he's suitable for you. Where are you falling short in the marriage? After all, it DOES take two people to trash a marriage. He's on the mortgage. You can't force him to go anywhere. 

I'd like to hear how you think he feels about being married to you. Seriously.


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## eva8686 (Mar 12, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> How old are you and your husband? People do tend to change in their 20's. Heck, I'm nothing like the person I was when I was 25. However, keep in mind that when a relationship is new and everyone is in the "honeymoon" phase, you'll generally see each partner putting their best foot forward.
> 
> He is 29 and I am 31...I feel he is putting in minimal effort, just enough to where he thinks Im happy.
> 
> ...


When I get to these points of unhappiness I ask him if he is happy and he is... again he seems content with his minimal effort..he pressures me for sex (ive told him he does this and he responds with "what do you want from me?) I mostly gice i because he complains and I just want to shut him up...so I really don't know what to do...

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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

eva8686 said:


> I mostly gice i because he complains and I just want to shut him up...so I really don't know what to do...
> Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk


Not this. 

It's time to let him know that what he's doing (and what he's not doing) is terribly unattractive. When he deliberately does things that you find unattractive you will not have sex with him. 

I've never been a video game guy, but I have, at times, done things my wife found unattractive, and she told me so in exactly those terms. Maybe he doesn't care as much as I, but if my wife told me I was doing something unattractive (even without the overt threat to not have sex), that was the most motivational thing I've ever experienced to get me to change my behavior. 

Most guys will not be happy with sex when they know their partner isn't enjoying it. Sharing that with him may help. If not, it's time to turn off the spigot entirely. "You want sex? You better start behaving in a way that's worthy of me; ring or no ring, I don't sleep with people I find attractive."


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you are doing things you don't want to do to shut him up, right? What if you quit listening to him whine, don't give in, and just set some boundaries.

As it stands, you are making yourself a victim. Only you are responsible for that, not him. What you are saying here is on par with a parent pacifying a child who is throwing a tantrum in the middle of a store. Kid is screaming like a maniac, mom picks up something to pacify said kid, and kid realizes mom is easy to manipulate.

PEOPLE MANIPULATE US WHEN WE ALLOW THEM TO DO IT.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

eva8686 said:


> I am falling out of love with my husband. We have only been together for a total of 4 years, got married when our son was 10 months old (who *we got pregnant with only after dating for 6 months*)


And as a p.s. - Here is your answer. You only dated for six months. Nobody I've ever known has shown who they really are after only six months. The romance is new, sex is great, everybody is having a good time. Sorry, but you are just as responsible for this mess as him. Doesn't sound like either one of you were ready for marriage, kids, house, and all the other crap that comes with it.

You got married too fast/too soon. Sorry to say, I think your husband is showing his true colors.  Tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms. But if he still comes back with the I-don't-care response, you have your answer as to whether you stay or go.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

eva8686 said:


> He also plays video games everyday for at least 5-6 hrs, while I watch the kids, clean and cook. This has been an issue that has come up many times in the last year, he eventually said that he didn't care anymore.


Yet ANOTHER loser who expects his wife to work outside the home AND do everything inside it as well - while HIS lazy ass sits on the couch for 5 or 6 hours playing his childish video games. 

Gee OP, Since busting your ass 24 hours a day working inside AND outside the home *still *isn't enough for him, perhaps you could get a SECOND job and earn *more *money so this lazy, self-entitled loser can be happier. How do you keep yourself from throat punching this ass-clown? How about HE gets a 2nd job since he has 5 and 6 hours every day free to sit on his ass while you scurry around him doing everything?



> I love my babies but worry about their well-being if we did ever split up...he barely pays attention to my son.
> I am on maternity leave until January and I have decided to give him until then to show me why we should be married and what to fight for..I will tell him to leave this home if my love has completely died by then and we can start the separation. I have alot of family support and although this will come as a surprise to many it is what it is and I will prevail. So how do I tell him all this? Should I? He would be devastated...


Are you_* sure*_ he'd be devastated? It definitely doesn't sound like he'd be devastated. It sounds like he's got himself a good deal - he's got a second paycheck, a nanny, a wet nurse, a cook, a maid and a laundress who does EVERYTHING for his lazy ass while he does nothing. Father of the Year can't even be bothered to spend time with his kids because his video games are such a priority. So yes, he'll be 'devastated' if he has to live on his *own* and wipe his own ass and actually have to PARENT the 2 children he brought into this world during his visitation times - without YOU there to do it all for him.

Whatever you do, DON'T have anymore kids with this guy.

How do you *tell* him? Do you mean because you'll actually have to cut into his precious gaming time in order to do it? 

I have the feeling your mounting resentment toward him _and_ his continued laziness and complete disengagement from his family will make it VERY easy for you to do that when the time comes.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you're giving him until the end of your maternity leave to get his act together, have you expressly told him this?

Then, if he doesn't meet your needs by then, I hope you're preparing (as you should be doing anyway) to leave him? Don't threaten something you don't fully intend to carry out.

Sorry for your situation.


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## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

Here is my bit of advise about your situation. Don't do anything in anger or make a quick decision because someone tells you to. 

Take one night and sit down with your husband, turn off the tv and make sure the two of you are free to talk. Then tell him exactly how you feel. When I say this I mean make sure your feelings are being understood and not just suggested. Tell him that if he won't make changes you are done and listen to what he has to say. 

My wife for years hinted around at things she didn't like in our relationship, but really didn't communicate her feelings to me. It was this that caused her to find an affair and leave me and the kids for this new man. 

My family is devastated, I tried to understand what went wrong and I wish I just had that one night to rally talk to my wife before all of this happened. 

Before yours is to late, look at the good and not just the bad. See the man you feel in love with, if only for one more night. 

If after this it doesn't work out then at least you know you gave the relationship one last try.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Talk to your husband, make sure your feelings are being understood!!


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Are you_* sure*_ he'd be devastated? It definitely doesn't sound like he'd be devastated.


Oh, I can GUARANTEE you he'll be devastated. He has NO CLUE what's about to hit his life. It's too bad. Because that will make him change as soon as he realizes she's serious (I literally think my DNA changed once I had my moment of "clarity"). Unfortunately, most women have to be serious to be able to sell it. IE; 100% gone. IE; the man changes after it's too late. 

It might not be too late right now. But you have to really sell it. And LONG before January. 

Good luck. Unfortunately, history is not on your side. It rarely works out the way you want it to. Because, you know what? Even if it's not too late? And he does actually change? You'll never trust him to not be that person again. In other words, even if you COULD sell it, you're already gone.

We don't teach men the basics of how to be good husbands. I have no problem saying we need it. I have no problem saying I failed at it miserably and lost my wife. What I have a problem with is that after SO many decades of seriously dealing with marriages, we're still shocked that these types of situations occur.

OP: He knows every little (and big) thing that bothers you about him. But you love him, right? For better or worse, right? It can't be that bad for her, right? She's still here right? And 95% of the time, things are great, right? As soon as I get to Defcon 4 I'll go give her a hug and a pat on the a$$ and everything will be good, right?

Wrong. And by the time he REALLY figures it out, it's too late. 

I see it time and time and time again. This is TEXTBOOK. 

Oh, he WILL be devastated. Trust me on that. After his big moment, he'd agree to live in a shack in the woods with no electricity to win you back. But it'll be too late.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

emmasmith said:


> Talk to your husband, make sure your feelings are being understood!!


She's done that. He knows. Now she has to make him know she's serious. 

Next up: Why leaving him will be the greatest thing you can do. For HIM.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow @eva8686 your post really struck a nerve here and triggered a lot of emotional responses.

First, be aware that a lot of TAM members have gone through difficulties and tend to talk to new posters in absolute terms - leave now - he'll never change, etc.

I also get tired of the same stories and come on strong at times.

But I urge calm and I urge you to avoid overreacting or making decisions in an emotional state.

You seem young, financially stressed, stressed about work, and pressured to marry.

Your H may not be nearly as content as he seems; people can seethe on the inside and appear calm on the outside.

Realize you may not be communicating what you think you are and this is probably true for him. As evidence I cite the varied TAM members who were blind sided by their spouses affairs, falling out of love, etc. So a failure to really communicate is very common.

I didn't trigger because I'm in a LTR - 30+ years - still going strong. But I've also had ups and downs, and the key is to figure out how to weather the storm and come to understandings and compromises while learning to respect differences.

Most don't know how to be in a relationship - I know I didn't.

So with that said, I recommend you get a copy of His Needs Her Needs and read through it. It's a very easy read. Ask your H to read it as well - tell him you are seriously upset with the marriage and this is needed to have any chance of staying together. The book seems to talk in a way that allows men and women to better see the other's POV. Use it as a means to start a better dialog

I suspect you both have resentment and it colors all your communication with each other. You need to break that style of communication and learn to put aside your issues long enough to hear each other and be heard.

You may be doing s lot of this but I still think it's good advice before throwing in the towel. You both need to learn how to deal with stress as a team as opposed to being on opposing teams.

Good luck


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw I'm not judging either of you, nor saying that his views are correct or you are correct (or wrong). It's just clear that you are early in relationship that neither anticipated. That doesn't mean it can't turn into something you both want once you better understand your new responsibilities and fully accept them (for example he can't be gaming all the time). But I don't think it's helpful to pick on one bad trait right now - it's more important to find common communication issues and work from something positive IMO


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## eva8686 (Mar 12, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw I'm not judging either of you, nor saying that his views are correct or you are correct (or wrong). It's just clear that you are early in relationship that neither anticipated. That doesn't mean it can't turn into something you both want once you better understand your new responsibilities and fully accept them (for example he can't be gaming all the time). But I don't think it's helpful to pick on one bad trait right now - it's more important to find common communication issues and work from something positive IMO
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you...this is just what I needed to hear...I did talk to him yesterday and he did say why did you let it escalate to this? I should have just talked to him. I guess I got tired of talking and feeling unheard. I do not want to just end things, although I think a part of me wants to feel certain that IF it did come to that I would be alright so in a sense confirm with myself that I am not dependent on him. Maybe he needs to know that..I did feel taken granted for and he now knows that. We have decided to make time for just the 2 of us pnce a month. I reminded him that this family's foundation is our relationship so we need to take care of "us" or the whole family structure will suffer. Thanks again...

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

eva8686 said:


> Thank you...this is just what I needed to hear...I did talk to him yesterday and he did say why did you let it escalate to this? I should have just talked to him. I guess I got tired of talking and feeling unheard. I do not want to just end things, although I think a part of me wants to feel certain that IF it did come to that I would be alright so in a sense confirm with myself that I am not dependent on him. Maybe he needs to know that..I did feel taken granted for and he now knows that. We have decided to make time for just the 2 of us pnce a month. I reminded him that this family's foundation is our relationship so we need to take care of "us" or the whole family structure will suffer. Thanks again...
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk




Great start. So it sounds like he's genuinely concerned about you and wants to work on this.

Maybe each of you should try to make one unsolicited nice comment about the other each day. Make that commitment and then at least some of your communication will be positive with no conditions, disappointments, demands, etc. Plus it feels nice.


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## eva8686 (Mar 12, 2017)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Oh, I can GUARANTEE you he'll be devastated. He has NO CLUE what's about to hit his life. It's too bad. Because that will make him change as soon as he realizes she's serious (I literally think my DNA changed once I had my moment of "clarity"). Unfortunately, most women have to be serious to be able to sell it. IE; 100% gone. IE; the man changes after it's too late.
> 
> It might not be too late right now. But you have to really sell it. And LONG before January.
> 
> ...


After our talk and my "threat" to leave him if he doesnt change I think he really realized the point that ive reached. I have seen a change so we'll see if its consistent. There is love here but a relationship is more than love and I have asked him if there is anything he would like me to change to improve and he says there's nothing. So I told him it has been one sided to where his needs are being met but clearly mine are not. 

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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

eva8686 said:


> AI have seen a change so we'll see if its consistent.


He's human. He will slip up. That will count as "inconsistent" to you. You won't be able to help it. It's not your fault. It's not his. We just don't teach couples how to do this right.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

eva8686 said:


> I did talk to him yesterday and he did say why did you let it escalate to this? I should have just talked to him. I guess I got tired of talking and feeling unheard.



Why do you feel he heard it this time and not before when you talked? That's significant. That can help people. It would help me articulate my argument that men CAN'T hear until it's too late. Please clarify, if you don't mind.


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