# Parents gave me cash for Christmas Dinner wife upset



## Frenchenry (Dec 15, 2021)

Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

If your wife has nixxed it, it is better to refuse. You might be being tested as to whether you respect your wife's wishes. 

I'd refuse it if I were you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do your parents do things like this often?

What's the issue between them and your wife?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I talked to my wife today (I know , unusual) about Christmas for our adult children. She said they all requested cash. Ask your wife if she wants to walk away from a fool and his money. . .


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You'll have to explain what the deal is between your wife and parents. It's an odd thing to get mad about on the surface.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Yes, more information is required. Do your parents and her Mom get along. Is the $100 dollars likely to be brought up in conversation in a way that would embarrass her Mom. Why does she not like your parents. It is Christmas. I would initially say to accept it graciously like any gift, unless there is a reason not to.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Frenchenry ,

My mom gave me $50 for Christmas. Both Beloved Hubby and I are gainfully employed and she's retired with a limited income, so I don't really need it and she kind of does. BUT she enjoys the giving, and I will find some thing that I want/need that brings me joy...as a gift from her. 

So it's important to know WHY your wife is so bent out of shape with this $100. On one hand, it could just be them wanting to contribute "their share" to a family dinner--in which case your wife is "above and beyond." On the other hand, it could be years and years of you invalidating your wife and supporting your parents over her wishes--in which case your wife is right on target! 

So why is your wife so bent out of shape with this $100?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would be grateful and pleased if a family member was thoughtful enough to do this.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I would be grateful and pleased if a family member was thoughtful enough to do this.


Of course, but maybe she views it as a form of allowance from the parents.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

To me, that is ridiculous. My parents and in-laws give us money for Christmas every year. My dad specifically says "this amount is for your Christmas dinner" and we happily accept it. 

She is ok with her mom buying a ham but not ok if your parents buy one? What's going on between your wife and your parents?


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## patriciadelicia (Nov 19, 2014)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


I think your parents were being gracious in offering money when you and your wife refused the offer of ham.
They probably just wanted to show their appreciation for the work involved by both you and your wife in preperation of christmas dinner. instead of bring an inappropiate gift or something useless they gave you cash so both you and your wife could spend as you both see fit.
also you wife mother buying a less expensive ham is not the point either,
it's a gift and in appreciation of the dinner and it may be all she can afford.
regardless if price both of your respective parents are giving gifts.
It;s rude to be so ungracious of a gift given in good spirit and intent
your wife should show some christmas spirit and be gracious.

I also believe a partner should never direct their spouse to be discortious to parents when unwarranted.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

They didn't give the cash as a Christmas gift but as a contribution to the dinner. It doesn't matter if you need the money or not, maybe they just wanted to do their part. Tell your wife she needs to be more gracious, all she needed to do is say "thank you, that's very generous".


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm trying to figure out why your wife would get so angry about your parents' offer. It seems generous and kind to me. 

So why does your wife have a bug up her ass when it comes to your parents?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Offensive, deleted


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I agree, there is something else going on. Food or money, it doesn't matter; it's more like a potluck dinner. Her mom brings ham, your parents furnish the beef roast, you and your wife provide the sides and desserts. She obviously has a burr under her saddle about something imagined or otherwise.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cooper said:


> They didn't give the cash as a Christmas gift but as a contribution to the dinner. It doesn't matter if you need the money or not, maybe they just wanted to do their part. Tell your wife she needs to be more gracious, all she needed to do is say "thank you, that's very generous".


I'm thinking it must have had something to do with the ham....like they wanted to buy a ham but her mother already was and someone took it the wrong way and so gave them money since maybe they viewed her as being picky or something. Who knows? I do know in some circumstances, it's nice to chip in on a big holiday dinner. Got a feeling something else went on there though.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


i really do not see what is wrong with it, they just want to contribute to the festivities but allow you and your wife to select the food. There is much more to this it seems


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


Totally cool. How generous of them.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Nothing wrong with it, it’s not a problem at all.

what does seem to be a problem, is that you are way too worried about your wife’s irrational/misdirected anger. This isn’t the sort of thing you validate, it’s the sort of thing you dismiss and move on.

if she continues to be angry about this, figure out if there’s something else that she’s actually upset about. If not, be charmingly dismissive and move on and don’t worry about it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> Of course, but maybe she views it as a form of allowance from the parents.


But that will happen forever. When I see my son, I always pass him a $20-$100 -- you know, for gas money, or whatever.
Just what parents do in my view (my folks did the same for me also).


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> But that will happen forever. When I see my son, I always pass him a $20-$100 -- you know, for gas money, or whatever.
> Just what parents do in my view (my folks did the same for me also).


For whatever reason it's an issue for her, it's an issue and it should be respected, imo.
Each of us has an issue that seems nothing to others but is a big deal with us. Are we any more reasonable when we make a big deal about our issues?
I can only speculate why it might be important to her, whether it be mother's apron strings or whether she wanted to prepare the entire dinner herself.
I do not know, but she has a right to her own individual culture.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> For whatever reason it's an issue for her, it's an issue and it should be respected, imo.
> Each of us has an issue that seems nothing to others but is a big deal with us. Are we any more reasonable when we make a big deal about our issues?
> I can only speculate why it might be important to her, whether it be mother's apron strings or whether she wanted to prepare the entire dinner herself.
> I do not know, but she has a right to her own individual culture.


I agree, and i think there is WAY more that is going on. If she wanted to do the whole dinner by herself, then why accept her own mother bringing a ham?
I really don't think it's the $100 that his parents offered -- it has to do WITH the parents.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I agree, and i think there is WAY more that is going on. If she wanted to do the whole dinner by herself, then why accept her own mother bringing a ham?
> I really don't think it's the $100 that his parents offered -- it has to do WITH the parents.


She should ante up what the issue is for her so her husband can accommodate her.
Men who love their wives want to accommodate them, but they can't if they don't know what is going on in her head.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Offensive, deleted


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I agree that on the surface it sounds silly to be upset over this, as a woman who has huge issues with in laws, for very good reason, I need more info.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Did your parents offer your wife the money and she refused it, so they went behind her back and gave it to you? That would tick me off.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your wife needs to learn to be more gracious. Your parents contributed to the holiday feast. Your wife took that as an insult, that you & she can't afford the roast. Instead of seeing it as the nice gesture of collaboration -- a family sharing -- she let this push her nose farther out of joint because she doesn't like your parents for some other reason that you alluded to. (We don't need to know what that is as long as you do.) 

Don't take the bait. Say thank you to your parents. Buy the roast. Make a lovely toast at dinner recognizing everyone who contributed to your feast & hope your wife develops more manners & a kinder disposition.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So what's the OP to do about the situation? His folks gave him the money, then his wife thru a fit. Does he return the money? Does he hurt his parents or piss off his wife? Wish we knew more background.

Here's how adults handle it. 

Wife says..."You know I don't get along with your parents, next time please don't take their money"

Husband say..."hey sorry, I didn't realize it was such a sentitive issue with you"

Next time..."mom, dad, thanks, that's a generous offer but we have everything covered. How about you bring some desert?"

Doesn't that seem easy? I don't care what the back story is, if you are spending the time together suck it up and play nice for a few hours.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> Your wife needs to learn to be more gracious. Your parents contributed to the holiday feast. Your wife took that as an insult, that you & she can't afford the roast.


I agree with this. They’re trying to be nice (the parents) and even though it’s misguided, it is probably sincere rather than an attempt to flex.

I sometimes get irritated that my wife’s family sends her money for Xmas and birthdays because we don’t need it and she’a been grown, moved out, and living with me for more than 20 years as my beautiful bride. They don’t know what else to do, so they keep doing what they had been when she was a little girl. If you think about it, it’s kind of cute.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In some cultures, a gift is unwaveringly mandatory.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


Unless there is some past history between your parents and your wife there is no issue here. Why is it that she doesn't care for them? How is it okay for her mother to contribute the dinner, but not your parents? Unless your parents like to use a gift like that as leverage or to poke at your wife and her family I think your wife is not being reasonable. I do agree with @jonty30 that you should go along with your wife's wishes in most cases. Spouses should come before parents in situations like this, IMO. However, without more background we don't know about any aggravating circumstances that may or may not exist.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I would be grateful and pleased if a family member was thoughtful enough to do this.


That's what I was thinking. I would be thrilled.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Cindywife said:


> That's what I was thinking. I would be thrilled.


Exactly! So kind and generous.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

It's Christmas time, if it bothers your wife, there are plenty of places you can donate the money. 

One of my mils (I have 3) give us too much money every Christmas. I once told her it was too much. She said it was her choice to give us that much and we could decide to do with it whatever we wanted to. I don't say anything anymore and just accept the money. I buy stuff to donate to a teens Christmas fund.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The wife sounds like a sour grape.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Livvie said:


> The wife sounds like a sour grape.


Tell your wife she can send the money to me. Christmas dinner is expensive.


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## green_eyed (Nov 16, 2021)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


Your wife is right as that is not a gift. I also would get mad in a similar situation as it seems like you are so close to your parents that you are financially related to them. And what will you gift your parents for Christmas? Their $100 back?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

green_eyed said:


> Your wife is right as that is not a gift. I also would get mad in a similar situation as it seems like you are so close to your parents that you are financially related to them. And what will you gift your parents for Christmas? Their $100 back?


This makes no sense.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Livvie said:


> This makes no sense.


Inflation is up and affects food prices dramatically. I'd be thankful for the help.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

While more information would certainly be useful in regards to the bad blood between the wife and the MIL, I'll take a WAG regarding what the issue might be.
It is the cash.
While it is thoughtful, the issuance of cash as a "Gift" makes the appearance of things being transactional.
Her parents bring a ham. Do they take the time to prepare it, or merely bring it in the house raw and plop it down on the counter?
It could be about the equity of effort. Bringing a prepared main course (even if it is an auxiliary one) is more thoughtful IMO because it helps to lighten your spouses load during a trying time, such as preparing a feast for multiple people. Same thing with people volunteering to bring prepared side dishes.
Coming in and plopping down a hundo, while nice, does not exude the same level of investment and thoughtfulness that "Sweat equity" into the event does.
I'm sure that it all goes deeper that and that there are other issues in conjunction with this.
Another thought: Does your Wife view preparing this meal as a gift to those in attendance? If so, she might be offended by giving a gift and someone paying her for it. It's one thing to offer assistance in ways that augment her efforts, it is another to come across like they are paying the tab at a restaurant.
Just some ideas to gnaw on.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So one thing, nice prime rib from my butcher is $20/lb. For any large family gathering where you’re going several bones in that roast you’re talking what maybe $250 for it? So someone chipping in against an expensive centerpiece like that is very nice. It all depends on what kind of event you’re having.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

frusdil said:


> While I agree that on the surface it sounds silly to be upset over this, as a woman who has huge issues with in laws, for very good reason, I need more info.


Same. There is very likely something else that happened before and after this money thing. The OP's post makes the wife sound petty and immature, BUT he's not sharing the whole story. "My wife has a problem with my parents" seems pretty deliberately vague. I'm not saying the wife isn't at fault, I'm saying we don't know.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Frenchenry said:


> Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


It shouldn't matter to you what the rest of the world think is appropriate. What it should matter here is if you think is appropriate or not, and why. But with almost not background info as to the why's of your statement: 


Frenchenry said:


> My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either.


 We can't really give you an opinion.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Frenchenry, Are you going to give us more information, so we can better understand your situation?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


So troublesome.

My parents gave me a concubine and my wife freaked out too!

What's wrong with wives these days?

If you can't tell, I don't get the conflict at all.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I often wonder why people get so weird about money. My parents want to pay for dinner if we go out, it doesn't matter that I make more or have more money. They want to do it, and I am not bothered by it, no matter how old I am, they are my parents and I am their son.

I am not going to argue if people want to pay for my meal, or give me a gift. If they want to do it, and it is being done in the spirit of kindness, then let people be kind to you!

My mother-in-law insists on giving us birthday and christmas gifts. I have repeatedly told her that it is not needed and she can route that to other members of the family if she wanted to. However, she insists, and in the spirit of kindness, I accept.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If she doesn't want the $100 send it my way!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Y'know, I find it frustrating when people come here, post once, then disappear. I wonder if they're authentic posts, I wonder if they just want to vent, I wonder if they're too afraid to answer questions posed, etc.

There's obviously more to this than the offer of $100 towards the Christmas meal. I'd sure like to know. Ah, well, it may remain one of life's great mysteries ....😏


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My dad and stepmom are up in years, my wife and I do most of the holiday cooking now. My dad will give me or her money to help with buying the food. Like you we don’t need the help but it makes them feel good to help out.I give my dad a hug and say love ya.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I could be off base here, but this doesn't seem to be about a roast, a ham or the $100.

What is it REALLY about?

I mean, if things were great between all of you, this wouldn't be an issue.

To me, this isn't the root cause. Don't worry about this example (roast/ham/$100), worry about what's really going on.

There has to be an underlying issue, an ongoing issue here.

You need to look at and deal with the larger picture, the forest (the relationship between all of you, boundaries) instead of the tree right in front of your face (the roast/ham/$100)


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Frenchenry said:


> Just need some feedback. My parents gave me $100 in cash for a roast that we buy every year for Christmas dinner. We really don’t need the money and are financially stable. My wife is very angry that they did this. She does not really care for them either. They had originally offered to buy a ham which my wife instantly refused. I later found out her mother is bringing a ham but it’s not an expensive one. Just wondering if people think it is inappropriate for my parents to do this and if my wife is rightly upset.


Hello,
It's neither bad nor good. they did a faux-pa. they should of brought wine, or flowers, hostess gift, a home made dish. That would of been the appropriate thing. Realize a holiday dinner takes 12 hours labor time and costs $85.00 or more depending on your number meat dishes and the number of casseroles dishes you make. They know this so they thought you may be appreciativ to defray the cost. It was bad form, buy they could not take the hint; however, both of you should have taken the money and said thank you-graciously- then when ihlaws were not looking put the money back in her purse, or either one's jacket or person with out them knowing. sneak the return back to them.- done, no anger. keep repeating every year. Dont ruin the relationship. If wife dislikes relatives, tell her it hurts your feelings and ask her to stop. It devalues you and makes you not want to love your spouse.-a sore spot for a cat fright later in life. ftyi


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