# Saying "I LOVE YOU" after reconcil.



## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Hi!
First off I just want to say how helpful these boards have been and I only wish I found you guys sooner. 
I'm about 2 yrs post d-day. We seperated for 1 year and this past August was 1 year that H has been back home. We went through MC which was EXTREMELY helpful. I truly trust my husband as the OW has totally been out of the picture. 

He is truly a new/changed man, and would do anything to make me happy. Our marriage is probably the best it has ever been.

However....we are yet to exchange the words "I LOVE YOU". our actions speak that we love one another, but is it odd that we dont verbally say it? Pre-d-day we would always say it before we went to sleep. 
I know for me, there still feels like I have a little bit of my wall up and that I dont 100% forgive him for his betrayal. I will never look at him the same way, and that saddens me. I want to be able to tell him that I love him, but there is something holding me back....or blocking it.
Has anyone experience this after they have R?


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

There's no rush because you have your whole lives  Are you waiting on him saying it?

In my opinion, there's too much emphasis put on "I love you". Actions speak louder.

Congrats on your reconciliation and progress.


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## bossesgirl26 (Jun 19, 2011)

I don't have any comment for the I love you part. But I just want to thank you for sharing this story. I am newly in R and feeling overwhelmed. I am very happy to hear a positive story. Can you offer any advice for a couple just beginning the process of R? Thank you and best wishes to you and your family.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

My H and I said it fairly soon after d-day, but our R has gone well, no separation. He had 7 week EA, but he told me everything and she is now out of our lives. It has been a little over a year now. The best tip I can give anyone is to talk about everything; make time for yourselves and explore what you both need. We both thought we had the perfect marriage, but we lacked the spark we now have back. It is a painful process, but it can be a positive outcome. Your old marriage is over, but you can have a better one. I still have triggers, but he is always willing to talk about all of it to help me. These boards are so helpful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

You are right, what is the rush...when I feel ready I will say it. And yes, actions to speak louder than words and in the end that is what matters. 
*
better than before:* We also thought we had the perfect marriage and so did everyone around us. Guess we learn in life that nothing is ever truly perfect. Our old marriage is over, and that is probably a GOOD thing!! 

My advice is just to be honest with each other, speak up when you need too, make time for yourselves and respect each other as individuals who have your own interest, needs and goals. We now realize that even though we are parents to our 6yr old son, our personal life does not have to completely end. 

I'm hoping the triggers get less and less as time passes....they have too, right!!?? or perhaps this is just a ghost that will be lurking forever...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

better than before said:


> My H and I said it fairly soon after d-day, but our R has gone well, no separation. He had 7 week EA, but he told me everything and she is now out of our lives. It has been a little over a year now. The best tip I can give anyone is to talk about everything; make time for yourselves and explore what you both need. We both thought we had the perfect marriage, but we lacked the spark we now have back. It is a painful process, but it can be a positive outcome. Your old marriage is over, but you can have a better one. I still have triggers, but he is always willing to talk about all of it to help me. These boards are so helpful!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This post gives me so much hope. I'm 4 months into R after my husbands 2 month EA and we are well on the way to recovery. Posts like this reinforce my belief that we can get through it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Glad to be able to give some hope! Some very dark times occurred, but his EA is turning out to be a gift to our marriage. One with a price, but still a gift. We have known and loved each other or 21 years(met on a blind date when I was only 16), and we have learned so much about each other in the last year. It is so easy to let life take over and neglect your time together as a couple. I do believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

better than before said:


> Glad to be able to give some hope! Some very dark times occurred, but his EA is turning out to be a gift to our marriage. One with a price, but still a gift. We have known and loved each other or 21 years(met on a blind date when I was only 16), and we have learned so much about each other in the last year. It is so easy to let life take over and neglect your time together as a couple. I do believe that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband and I also met on a blind date! What a coincidence.
Our R is coming on well (4 Months now) and i feel like things a progressing well. I just wanted to ask you how you dealt with your own insecurities and what helped you to stay positive on your dark days?

I am having more good days than bad now an the EA isnt all consuming. He is telling me he loves me again and has done for about 8 weeks now, but i find myself becoming incredibly "needy" of his attention and looking at what hes not saying rather than all the good things he is. Im so worried about loosing him again, but we are working together to put things right but i just feel so damn insecure at times!

Sory Tullip, didnt mean to sabotage your thread x


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> My husband and I also met on a blind date! What a coincidence.
> Our R is coming on well (4 Months now) and i feel like things a progressing well. I just wanted to ask you how you dealt with your own insecurities and what helped you to stay positive on your dark days? x


I decided that I needed to focus on myself and what I wasn't happy with. To be strong and know I could handle whatever happened between us, I needed confidence. I wanted to like who and what I saw in the mirror. I am becoming a different person, and confidence in myself has done that. I started training for a half marathon; lost all baby weight (had had a 2nd baby a few weeks before his EA began). I lost 17 lbs and feel good about myself. I also took satisfaction in the belief that we are soul mates; he could have run off with her, but he chose me again. I know this is a crazy way to look at the situation, but I told him to go if that is what he wanted. I didn't/don't want to ever be 2nd place. That was the hardest thing I have ever said, but I said it because I meant it. If he had gone, I would have been devastated! All of these things gave me confidence. He also now treats me as an equal(used to treat me like a child); we spend more time together focusing on us. It took an A to make my H young and fun again. Our marriage is different and better. I still get mad and wonder how he could do that, but so does he. We all make mistakes; it is how we handle them that makes the difference. I hope this rant helps you. Stay positive and know it had to do with his self confidence issues. I always thought confident people were the ones to have A's- crazy how much I have learned through this process. Good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't remember when we started saying I Love You again, but we say it all the time now whereas we didn't before. We are almost a year past Dday#2 and were separated for just under 6 months. I agree that thinking about your old marriage as being over is helpful.


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