# DH FINALLY Confessed After a Decade



## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

I'm sure some of the TAM members will remember me from a decade ago when I first posted on TAM. My posts are still here so if you do a search on my username you will see the threads.

My DH finally confessed after a decade only because I found out with my sisters that our dad was cheating on our mom a day after my 40th birthday. It took my DH a few weeks after that day to confess to me.

He has not confessed about other things after I asked him questions to get more details. I told him that I needed time because it was a lot to digest and a relief that I finally got the answers. Yes, I was angry. I cried. I stayed the distance from him. He keeps apologizing to me and I'm still staying away, even in our bed since we do not have any spare beds for me to move to for now.

I'm currently talking with the now ex roommate since there are some things that he will not discuss with me. She gave me more details after I assured her that I wasn't mad at her. It turns out that it wasn't an EA but a PA with our ex roommate before we moved to Texas. They had planned it out way before she moved in with us. She also admitted that she was crushing on me during that time too and I was clueless until DH told me in the confession.

So, if you guys ever suspect something is up with your significant others - it is very likely that there is something happening and it's always more than "just a kiss".

Thank you to the TAM members who has helped me. You guys are really awesome. I did get a job and focused on getting my Masters. Now I'm close to graduating, I have a more lucrative job lined up and thinking of doing a separation trial. DH is very scared that I will leave him. He should have thought about that when he decided to do the PA in the first place and lying about it when I asked him. As I said along with other TAM members to me - it's always more than what is being said. A trickle here and there and there is always a leak somewhere that's soon going to be a torrent.

I just wanted to follow up since I know it's been a long while and I wanted to bring some closure to the members who have helped me out.

Yes, I got tested and it is negative so far, thankfully. We still have no kids. Our rabbits and our dog passed away so there is nothing for me here.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry. That must have been devastating to hear. At least you know for sure now. Part of what drove me nuts when I was with XH and he was cheating was him making me feel like I was crazy or imagining things. It was awful knowing for sure, but also a huge relief. Is there a friend you can stay with while you're digesting all this new information? It is a lot to process. Cut yourself some slack. It takes time to really understand what happened, how you feel about it and what you want to do. Maybe just let the information sit for a bit. You have been through a big shock to the system and probably need some time to let it marinate a bit so you really are able to comprehend what just happened. Take care of yourself, OP. And if you want to get another dog, nobody is stopping you!!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry it took so long for you to find the truth. There are some great ladies here that can help you through this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, just because it was 10 years ago doesn't make his UNACCEPTABLE behavior any less egregious. And the fact that this lying POS *still* refused to give you full honesty and you had to degrade yourself by going to his affair partner just to get the truth should be a *clear indicator to you* exactly how low this guy is willing to sink in order to save his own worthless ass. Personally, I'd kick his lying ass out the door so damned hard his mother would feel it in Oshkosh.

Think about it. It wasn't bad *enough* that he couldn't respect you enough not to cheat on you and continually lie to your face while he was doing it, oh no. He had to sink even LOWER and continued lying to your face every single day for the next 10 YEARS. He planned on taking this dirty little secret - and God knows what *other* dirty little secrets he no doubt has - to the grave with him. THAT'S how "remorseful" this lying fool is. 

And then, when some of the truth finally came out, he *still* refused to show you a SHRED of respect and tell you what you needed to know - you had to get the truth from someone ELSE. Unforgivable.

I'm assuming the begging has begun. Don't forget, OP - cheaters don't cheat to LOSE their wives and families or to change what they have at home - they cheat to ADD to what they already have (because they're _*so *_much more deserving than the rest of us). I'm sure the poor hapless victim is sad and scared that you're going to leave him (and split half his assets and stop cooking and cleaning and doing his laundry) and he's crying those big crocodile tears for you, isn't he? Maybe he's screaming his 'undying love' for you from the rooftops and suddenly doing his share around the house and asking you out to dinner or suggesting weekends away and bringing home flowers and promising you that he's become a "new man" and telling you how he'll "never cheat on you again," etc. etc. Basically, he's suddenly become this very attentive and loving human being that he never was BEFORE you knew the truth about his affair. LOL, most cheaters do this when they know they're skating on very thin ice. He's not unique or different or any of those things. He's actually a walking cliche.

But NONE of that 11th-hour posturing he's doing or all his phony promises of fidelity and love don't *erase* everything that he's done or the depths to which he'll sink in order to save his own pitiful ass. NONE of it. No therapist on this planet can magically make this low-life behavior acceptable to you because it's NOT.

Maya Angelou said it best: *when someone shows you who they ARE, believe them - the first time. *He's shown you EXACTLY who he is, OP. All his begging and crying ain't gonna change who he _really_ is, so don't let him try to delude you into thinking that he's anything more than what he's already shown you he is, because he's not. 

Good for you getting your degree and a job - you're in a perfect position to support yourself comfortably. You don't NEED a "trial" separation from Mr. Wonderful. You just need a good divorce attorney. You're a smart lady. Welcome to the rest of your life. 

PS - go read the Chump Lady - she's on Reddit and Facebook and she also has a website. She'll make sure to keep you on the right path. 😃😃


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You get what you tolerate and you've been tolerating crap for 10 year or more. I couldn't get through the entirety of you original post on TAM. You let him talk you into having his "lesbian" ex-GF room with you, you picked up her birth control at his request (why would a lesbian ne BC?) and he suggested 3-somes on more than one occasion. And all that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm glad you seem to be coming to your senses, at least I think you are. If you aren't already scheduled with a lawyer to start divorce then I have no sympathy for you. Please have enough self respect to get out now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don’t see the benefit of staying at this point.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I didn’t know your story but wow, this has been quite a reveal but sounds like you knew something was amiss all along. I hope you get a lawyer and get away from this jerk. Of course he’s afraid you’ll leave him, because now he’ll have to face the consequences of his actions. Praying for you to stay strong and wishing you the best on your journey forward.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Wishing you and your mom lots of strength.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Thank you. I agree, it is still unacceptable for him.

I just have to point out in case if more people did not read my initial thread 10 years ago. I am deaf and I've had difficulty gaining a full-time job despite easily getting interviews over the years. I can easily pick up part time jobs that pay nearly the minimum wage but not enough to live on with my student loans and that is why I decided to go the Masters route with my BA degrees. That is what I have been doing the past 10 years while relying on my husband's insurance benefits. I simply survived while using my PT job money to pay down my student loans.

Getting a lawyer is out of the question right now since I only have enough money squirreled away with my PT jobs to get my things in my own storage and to get a hotel room. There is no one near me that I can ask to stay with in the meantime. As it has been in Ohio, it is the same here in Texas. My family are all in different states more than ten hours away so I have myself to rely on.

As for some people pointing out birth control. I reread and with what the ex roommate told me, it makes sense. I suffer from PCOS and I use only birth control to control the cysts and to avoid cysts growing too big. I've gone to the hospital to get surgery because of that occurrence so it didn't raise a red flag with me then.

It is far easier to say to get out than being able to do it as a deaf woman who makes too much to be able to get back on SSI due to joint marriage. Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what to do then using my perspective and not yours. I appreciate all of your honesty and I thank you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Regina007 said:


> Thank you. I agree, it is still unacceptable for him.
> 
> I just have to point out in case if more people did not read my initial thread 10 years ago. I am deaf and I've had difficulty gaining a full-time job despite easily getting interviews over the years. I can easily pick up part time jobs that pay nearly the minimum wage but not enough to live on with my student loans and that is why I decided to go the Masters route with my BA degrees. That is what I have been doing the past 10 years while relying on my husband's insurance benefits. I simply survived while using my PT job money to pay down my student loans.
> 
> ...


You should get spousal support.

I can appreciate that it wouldn't be easy, but in the end these are all just excuses. A d I'll say it again, you get what you tolerate. Stay with him and you can expect things to continue as they are today.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Thank you. There is more to this other than what happened since I last posted in 2015 and my tolerance has now reached its limit, especially after what happened with my mother.

How would I get spousal support before getting divorced? I believed that is for after.

Thanks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

See an attorney. There is often spousal support ordered during separation I believe


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Regina007 said:


> How would I get spousal support before getting divorced? I believed that is for after.
> 
> Thanks.


These are questions for a divorce attorney. 

As a general concept, you are entitled to approximately half of the marital assets. This would include monies in bank accounts, investments, properties, equity in the house and potentially retirement accounts depending on how they are set up and what the laws in your state are written. 

So it's not just the money in your own account from your own job that you may have access to. 

But again, these are questions for an attorney and not strangers on the internet.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Regina007 said:


> Thank you. I agree, it is still unacceptable for him.
> 
> I just have to point out in case if more people did not read my initial thread 10 years ago. I am deaf and I've had difficulty gaining a full-time job despite easily getting interviews over the years. I can easily pick up part time jobs that pay nearly the minimum wage but not enough to live on with my student loans and that is why I decided to go the Masters route with my BA degrees. That is what I have been doing the past 10 years while relying on my husband's insurance benefits. I simply survived while using my PT job money to pay down my student loans.
> 
> ...


No matter what limitations or advantages someone has, breaking apart your marriage is a painful and challenging process. You are right that it's far easier to say it than to do it, but that's true for anything. You just need to decide what you want for YOUR life, and then you take the steps to make that happen, then deal with and overcome the challenges that come up.

You have a physical limitation that causes certain things to be more challenging for you, that's true...however, you haven't allowed that to stop you from living your life and going after what you want so far. Leaving your husband will be NO different.

What are your options with your family? Can you move back to where they are? Have you looked into the resources available to you where you live? Are there social services that can give you support as you start a new life on your own? What about your college...is there anything you can find through them that would at least let you know what help they offer (or can find) for people who are dealing with major life changes...like free legal aid...?

You need to sit and think about what you need in order to separate from him and live on your own, and write down what those needs are and the steps you have to take to get things in order to fulfill those needs for yourself. The more you do, the closer you will get to your GOAL -- a life that is all your own!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Regina007 said:


> ...My DH finally confessed after a decade only because I found out with my sisters that our dad was cheating on our mom a day after my 40th birthday. It took my DH a few weeks after that day to confess to me.
> 
> He has not confessed about other things after I asked him questions to get more details. I* told him that I needed time because it was a lot to digest and a relief that I finally got the answers.* Yes, I was angry. I cried. I stayed the distance from him. He keeps apologizing to me and I'm still staying away, even in our bed since we do not have any spare beds for me to move to for now.
> 
> ...


Now you know. It sounds like your life is pulling together, finish college Masters, got a good job lined up, 

Your post indicates you are not sure about if you want to divorce or not. "...*thinking of doing a separation trial.*...." doesn't sound like you have made up your mind on ending the marriage or not.

What it does should like is that you know know you have been betrayed not only by your H, but by a close friend. Your anger seems to be focused on your H, which is your choice. It sounds like you are trying to make up your mind. You did stick with him for a decade (10 years) after you suspected he was cheating on you. You have now had your suspicions confirmed. So why did you stay with him? Was he a good husband during those ten years? Does that make any difference to you? Not having children certainly makes the decision to leave a lot less traumatic. 

No matter what you choose, good luck.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Regina007 said:


> It is far easier to say to get out than being able to do it as a deaf woman who makes too much to be able to get back on SSI due to joint marriage. Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what to do then using my perspective and not yours. I appreciate all of your honesty and I thank you.


I worked with a deaf woman. She held a full-time job, raised two kids, and took care of her house. Being deaf is no excuse whatsoever for not getting full-time employment. In fact, local, state, and federal government agencies are more than happy to accommodate people with all sorts of disabilities. 



Regina007 said:


> Please put yourself in my shoes and tell me what to do then using my perspective and not yours. I appreciate all of your honesty and I thank you.


It is impossible for me to give you advice from YOUR perspective. Why? Because I'm not YOU. But I'll tell you how I walked away from a dysfunctional, toxic, downright crazy marriage. And, yes, I had some huge challenges to face.

I left my husband in September 2009. The economy had tanked. Jobs were scarce. I was living in the middle of nowhere - and I mean pretty much NOWHERE - with no family or friends nearby. My husband had just drunk himself out of another high-paying federal government job. I had a treatable, but incurable form of cancer - or, so I was told. I had some meagre assets. I had no job. I had no health insurance.

I left. I packed up my belongings, cashed in a few assets (and it wasn't much), and headed back east to stay with a family member. 

Now, over 13 years later, I have a very nice home in southern Arizona. I held a challenging job as a certified elections official. I underwent six months of grueling chemo in 2011. I even had decent health insurance, which enabled me to get treatment for the cancer that supposedly was going to kill me sooner rather than later. And, as of today, I am completely cancer-free, feeling great, and enjoy my life just because I HAVE PEACE.

Oh, and the husband I left? He drank himself to death and was found dead in Omaha in 2015. While I still grieve the loss of a once-wonderful man, I'm also AT PEACE with the fact that he made his choices to live his life his way. I chose to no longer be a part of it.

As I often say here: YOUR life. YOUR choice.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

How is it that learning that your dad was cheating on your mom caused him to confess? I cannot see a cheater who lied for a decade suddenly having some guilt caused epiphany. I bet he was trying to get ahead of someone outing him.

This man robbed you of a decade of your life. And, you can bet dollars to doughnuts he has done a lot more cheating than you are aware of.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

All valid questions are being asked. I loved reading the stories of your challenges and overcoming them. Thank you for sharing.

I do know that my trust in my husband is broken. 

Today I went to see my doctor and did the STD testing. After that, I went to a storage place and opened a storage unit that I could afford. Finally, I contacted a counselor so I can figure out what the heck to do with my emotions being all over the place and the counselor also deals with divorce as well so that's a good thing. 

This weekend is going to be busy with packing my things.

My family lives over 700 miles away and they are currently dealing with the fallout of my dad's cheating.

I'm taking it one step at a time.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

@Regina007 Congrats on separating from the animal.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Regina007 said:


> Thank you. I agree, it is still unacceptable for him.
> 
> I just have to point out in case if more people did not read my initial thread 10 years ago. I am deaf and I've had difficulty gaining a full-time job despite easily getting interviews over the years. I can easily pick up part time jobs that pay nearly the minimum wage but not enough to live on with my student loans and that is why I decided to go the Masters route with my BA degrees. That is what I have been doing the past 10 years while relying on my husband's insurance benefits. I simply survived while using my PT job money to pay down my student loans.
> 
> ...


Could your family help you out with money for now? Its not cheap staying in hotels, renting a small place would be cheaper in the long run. Once you have finished your course could you go and stay with a family member?


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