# Ten Surprising Reasons Men Initiate Divorce



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not so surprising really ...

10 Surprising Reasons Men Initiate Divorce


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I've read somewhere that the top three problem areas in marriage and reasons for divorce were money , sex and kids.
This top ten list you posted seems to have all three in varying degrees.

However , #5 jumped at me.

" _He doesn't have a marriage mentor. 
If your husband's pals make Charlie Sheen look like a choir boy, he needs some buddies who'll raise the bar, says relationship coach and minister Don Nations, of Sarasota, FL. "If more men had a friend with a solid marriage to whom they could talk, someone who could listen and offer counsel, they'd be less likely to seek a divorce," he explains. Your house of worship can fill the void: "Many offer marriage workshops and discussion groups," Nations says. Or pursue friendships with other happy couples-their dedication may inspire you both."_

( lol, @ the Charlie Sheen juxtaposition.)

It jumped at me,
Because I've experienced the deleterious effect of not choosing proper mentors early in marriage and the finally getting it right by choosing proper mentors.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think a lot of the blame can be put on the man who doesn't set and inforce his boundries.

with that said I also think it can get exhausting always having to enforce boundries and after awhile they just give up its not worth it to always have to be the enforcer. some women just nibble away at them until one day you wake up and realise that its just not worth it.

factor a poor undesirous sex life and you have a recipe for divorce. 


to top it off many time when either spouce finaly throws in the towel the other spouce starts putting effort in but for many it too little too late. the damage is done.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> with that said I also think it can get exhausting always having to enforce boundries and after awhile they just give up its not worth it to always have to be the enforcer. some women just nibble away at them until one day you wake up and realise that its just not worth it.


I think this is one of the most understated truths on this forum. Boundaries are crucial to a good marriage, but when one spouse is constantly having to play goalie with the boundaries while the other looks for whatever inroad she can to get her way without technically violating the boundary (ie obeying the letter but not the spirit), it's not much of a marriage at that point, more of a parent-child relationship.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> I've read somewhere that the top three problem areas in marriage and reasons for divorce were money , sex and kids.
> This top ten list you posted seems to have all three in varying degrees.
> 
> However , #5 jumped at me.
> ...


I agree here, too. Friends need to be friends of your marriage, as well. I also learned this one the hard way.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm going with #4 as the one I see a lot, and it usually ends marriages

_4. He feels disrespected. Don't follow the husband-bashing humor trend, urges couples' therapist Rosalind Sedacca of West Palm Beach, FL. Resist joking on Facebook about how your favorite basketball fan can't even dribble-and don't rib him in front of friends either. "Your husband will feel belittled," Sedacca warns. "Confidence and security form the foundation of any marriage," she adds. Eventually your man's self-esteem will erode and he'll lose his connection to you. "Meanwhile, there may be other women who are willing to treat him with admiration," Sedacca adds. See where this one's going? Nowhere good! _

I've seen this happen. Over the years the poor guy becomes a shell of a man. Then one day out of the blue he gets tired of it and says enough. Usually no going back either, because the years of verbal abuse that one experiences in a relationship can't be erased so easily. Also, there is usually another woman in the picture. 

Most men don't leave their wife for the OW, but the men that feel disrespected or neglected almost always do. For them the affair isn't about sex.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I've read somewhere that the top three problem areas in marriage and reasons for divorce were money , sex and kids.


If those are the top 3, I'm surprised my husband hasn't filed for divorce yet. Although a counselor told me years ago, my husband would never leave or file for divorce, and that if anybody would have to do it, it would be me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Superman? ....over-rated!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> I think this is one of the most understated truths on this forum. Boundaries are crucial to a good marriage, but when one spouse is constantly having to play goalie with the boundaries while the other looks for whatever inroad she can to get her way without technically violating the boundary (ie obeying the letter but not the spirit), it's not much of a marriage at that point, more of a parent-child relationship.


This was a huge problem in my marriage, so it's something that happens with both genders.

My husband seemed to spend all of his time trying to figure out new, exciting, _creative_ ways to push boundaries. For him, they were fences to rush or a chess match to win. Challenges that he enjoyed figuring out how to get around or over, without ever once looking like the bad guy. Passive-aggressive crazy-making at it's finest. 

And, yes, it's a rebellious teen / exhausted parent dynamic after a while. Over time, it simply eats away the emotional energy and love of the spouse who keeps trying to encourage the rational adult he or she remembers marrying to return. It's ruinous to the marriage as a whole.


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## Onthefenc (Dec 11, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Superman? ....over-rated!


Number 1 is the winner. It cannot be overestimated how much this matters. 

If a man stays in shape or keeps the hedges trimmed, by god the lady had better or she wont be the lady


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Rowan said:


> This was a huge problem in my marriage, so it's something that happens with both genders.
> 
> My husband seemed to spend all of his time trying to figure out new, exciting, _creative_ ways to push boundaries. For him, they were fences to rush or a chess match to win. Challenges that he enjoyed figuring out how to get around or over, without ever once looking like the bad guy. Passive-aggressive crazy-making at it's finest.
> 
> And, yes, it's a rebellious teen / exhausted parent dynamic after a while. Over time, it simply eats away the emotional energy and love of the spouse who keeps trying to encourage the rational adult he or she remembers marrying to return. It's ruinous to the marriage as a whole.


I think with a couple exceptions most of that list can be applied to either spouse, TBH.

Eg #1, I don't know many women that find big ass beer guts sexy, either.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Ten Surprising Reasons Men Initiate Divorce*



Davelli0331 said:


> , it's not much of a marriage at that point, more of a parent-child relationship.


I think this dynamic is absolutely rampant. If you have a woman with princess syndrome, or a man who wants a mother more than a wife, you have recipe for dysfunction and disaster.

This is also the very terrain that will test the boundaries and tolerance of a partner.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

#4 probably kills more marriages than any other and is probably responsible for most affairs and a great number of workaholics. If a guy can't feel respected in his home, he will go where he is treated like a human being.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TAM is a good marriage mentor I found with diverse opinions


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> #4 probably kills more marriages than any other and is probably responsible for most affairs and a great number of workaholics. If a guy can't feel respected in his home, he will go where he is treated like a human being.


The funny thing is a lot of these guys aren't having affairs. I think we all know a guy that stays super late at the office even though he doesn't really have any work to do. He just doesn't want to go home. Its sad when a marriage gets to that point. I can't wait to get home.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ha! I dreaded going home and dreaded arriving late too! In the past darth wifey gets the sh-ts!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Jeezus...other than the blended family, I hit on just about all of this list.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> The funny thing is a lot of these guys aren't having affairs. I think we all know a guy that stays super late at the office even though he doesn't really have any work to do. He just doesn't want to go home. Its sad when a marriage gets to that point. I can't wait to get home.


I was that guy.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I think this dynamic is absolutely rampant. If you have a woman with princess syndrome, or a man who wants a mother more than a wife, you have recipe for dysfunction and disaster.
> 
> This is also the very terrain that will test the boundaries and tolerance of a partner.


Sort of like this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/151186-he-thinks-im-controlling-but-i-think-im-being-reasonable-2.html


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

There's definitely a multitude of dysfunctions going on in that thread. The way the OP paints her H makes him sound like an overgrown manchild. However, the OP has clearly had her head filled with crap that she's fully bought into and who knows how much that has colored her perception of their marriage.

That thread does bring an interesting point to the parent-child marriages that we see a lot of on TAM. Do the "parent" spouses in these marriages consciously or subconsciously seek out partners that they think need that "parenting"? Those situations are always so hard to read because the "parent" spouse always paints the "child" spouse as being such a worthless layabout, but did the "parent" spouse on some level seek out someone he/she thought she could control only to find that marrying an overgrown child is working out about as well as one might think?

And does the controlling nature of the "parent" spouse mean that he/she would paint _any _other reasonably normal person as "childish"?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> Sort of like this thread...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/151186-he-thinks-im-controlling-but-i-think-im-being-reasonable-2.html


Cookie cutter.

As is the outcome if they don't re-prioritize, communicate, and work on some compromise and acceptance.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> That thread does bring an interesting point to the parent-child marriages that we see a lot of on TAM. Do the "parent" spouses in these marriages consciously or subconsciously seek out partners that they think need that "parenting"? Those situations are always so hard to read because the "parent" spouse always paints the "child" spouse as being such a worthless layabout, but did the "parent" spouse on some level seek out someone he/she thought she could control only to find that marrying an overgrown child is working out about as well as one might think?
> 
> And does the controlling nature of the "parent" spouse mean that he/she would paint _any _other reasonably normal person as "childish"?


I'm sure some "parent" spouses do seek out someone who will fill that child role. I'm also sure that some "child" spouses seek out someone who will parent them. 

However, I also know from experience, that either the "parent" or the "child" can have something going on internally that requires that their spouse serve in the opposing role. And it may matter little whether or not that role is one their spouse is suited for, or is even willing to play. It's not just that the controlling nature of the "parent" spouse means he or she would paint any other reasonably normal person as "childish". It's also sometimes that the nature of the "childish" spouse means he or she would paint any other reasonably normal person as the "mean, controlling, parent".


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Ten Surprising Reasons Men Initiate Divorce*



Rowan said:


> It's also sometimes that the nature of the "childish" spouse means he or she would paint any other reasonably normal person as the "mean, controlling, parent".


This was the case with my ex. She consistently cited my need for control during the waning days of our marriage. She had no insight into the fact that every time I tried to hand her control over some aspect of our married life, she rejected it.

She never wanted to be wrong, or be criticized for having made a bad decision, (a carryover issue from growing up in an extra ordinarily dysfunctional home) therefore she avoided decisions like the plague. And the fact remained, somebody had to make them.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Deejo said:


> This was the case with my ex. She consistently cited my need for control during the waning days of our marriage. She had no insight into the fact that every time I tried to hand her control over some aspect of our married life, she rejected it.
> 
> She never wanted to be wrong, or be criticized for having made a bad decision, (a carryover issue from growing up in an extra ordinarily dysfunctional home) therefore she avoided decisions like the plague. And the fact remained, somebody had to make them.


Yep. I had one of them, too. I'm sorry.

It's hard to know what to do when you begin to suspect that no matter what you do, the dynamic of your marriage will continue to revolve around a relationship that your spouse is having with the role you fill in their internal playbook. And has little to do with the reality of you as an individual human being. I feel like I spent 16 years being "the role of The Wife in tonight's performance will be played by Rowan" rather than really being his wife in a functioning, interactive, marriage.


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