# "You didn't do anything wrong." Why have an A then...?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am utterly confused. I feel we have a major problem and don't see how we can get past this without an answer but the thing is, I don't *have* that answer.

I have asked my H numerous times about why he felt he needed the attention of anotherwoman. Thinking constructively, that is, if we knew why he sought this elsewhere, we could work on that aspect of the relationship, strengthen things and also help prevent it from happening again.

Here's the thing... He says:

it was not because of anything about me
it is nothing I have done
it is nothing I haven't done
I am perfect
I am great
etc
etc

I am having *real* trouble wrapping my head around this. My logic tells me that surely there MUST have been something lacking/wrong for him to seek attention elsewhere but he swears that is not the case. He does say the attention was a massive boost for his ego. Am I looking for a connection that isn't there?

I have pressed him on this but the answer continues to be the same. I think it really worries me in the sense of moving forward: that is, if we arenot working on mending what was wrong within the relationship, then are we supposed to be working on him learning the art of howto handle these situations in the future? Because he had been in situations like this prior to the A, and handled them correctly, I don't know what makes THIS one different...

What do I do?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Why does it have to be something about YOU that was wrong? Could it not be something inside of HIM that is flawed or needs attending to that is at the root cause? 

The need for constant ego-stroking and build-up, craving attention and approval all of the time, sounds like the core... if it was what got him, as it was with my wife who told me the same things, as she never had or got these growing up, and as soon as I was way traveling for work too much, it became an issue she needed to fulfill outside the marriage. Ugh.

Nevertheless, keep pressing. There's always something that can be improved about anyone in any relationship.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Are you seeing a MC? Pretty sure a good one will be able to weed out what made your H susceptible to an affair.

My H's affair was also a huge ego boost, but his logic and rationalization at the time was actually financial. He's always been insecure, but with a "typical" mid-life crisis kind of thing he started to feel badly about where he was in life. Unhappy in his career and not feeling successful. He also was feeling resentful that I wasn't working, although we had agreed I would go back this fall. 

Too impatient I guess. A young attractive co-worker came on to him and all he saw was a woman who wanted him and had a career. Perhaps with her he'd feel more successful. Took him months to realize a) They had very little in common b) She had questionable morals...d'uh. c) Divorce would be financially devastating. Totally irrational thinking during the affair, but he enjoyed the fantasy and didn't spend a lot of time thinking about reality. Just giving you insight into my H's ego boost and mind set during his affair.

I should add that during the entire affair he never thought hard about actually leaving me. Said whenever he tried to think about it seriously it hurt too much and stopped thinking about it. Cake eating to the T.


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

I was told "I gave up on the marriage". I listed the things that I did that I felt ruined things, but "I gave up" is his excuse. That is a little un-specific for me. 
We are seeing a council. When we were seeing her together we were getting no where. So now we see her seperately and she told me last week "He has a lot to say". So I guess that's good, but He isn't telling me, and I feel I need to know. In fact it is KILLING ME not knowing what he is telling. Maybe this would help me understand things better. But of course it's confidential. ARRRRRR. 
I do know that the things he is saying will hurt me, so that is why he wouldn't say them in couple council. 

Hurting you and not really knowing why himself is where he is at. A long amount of time will have to pass till he feels comfortable enough again to tell you. Then it is possible that he will never tell you because he finds the reasons silly and doesn't want to admit that fact. 

Keep being there, but be a bit less questioning him and more looking into you and talking about what you could do to change. This does help when I talk about my down falls. He will talk about things he feels he did bad with.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife asked me those very same things and I told her those very same things. I repeatedly told her it wasn't about her and it wasn't. She also had a very hard time with this. My EA was an ego boost and that part of it is mine no doubt, however, as part of our reconciliation we both realized that the flirting part of our marriage had waned. It wasn't gone, but it certainly wasn't what it used to be and we were both equally guilty of it. We both still loved each other very much and were both happily married, I think we had just collectively taken our relationship a little for granted. Post A we have both realized that we missed that part of each other and it is now back in our daily lives. Are we "working on it" I don't think I'd say that but it is a definate improvement in our marriage that it not something "she" did or "I" did.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People rob banks and liquor stores. They commit rapes. That doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the bank, the store, or the woman. It means bad people or people with weak characters do bad things.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

WW,
One possibility could be that he is consumed with guilt and if the two of you are reconnecting, he may not be seeing things as they truly were yet. I think sometimes the wakeup call of infidelity causes that falling in love feeling. When the WS is truly repentant and the BS is forgiving and both realize they love each other, it can distort your view of the history of the marriage. Similar to the way a WS rewrites it- only opposite. Each spouse may place all of the blame on their self.

That happened in my case in the beginning. I knew I had dropped the ball in some areas of our marriage and I didn't blame him for what happened. But when I tried to apologize for my part in the breakdown of our relationship, he would adamantly shake his head and say ,"No! I was an a******. You didn't deserve that." along with the things your husband is telling you. It took a while before things calmed down enough that he would even acknowledge that I hadn't exactly been a great wife to him.

I just worked on bettering myself and making our home feel like a happy place to be. It took a while before I saw things clearly, too. In my mind, everything was my fault until I started to remember that we both made so many mistakes. I didn't just turn into a b**** for no reason and he didn't just turn into an a****** for no reason. We both contributed. 

If your H has been really sorry for his behavior and realizes he does love you, it may take a while for him to relinquish some of the blame and admit there are things for both of you to work on together. Are there things you see for yourself that leave room for improvement? If so, maybe just deal with those for now. 

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

LovemyH When does that stage of the cheating spouse happen. I've seen nothing but him blaming me for even his failures. He's not a great father to the kids, because..... I badmouthed about him behind his back to the kids. Never happened. What did happen was a conversation with the kids why Dad was such an ass just then. We are talking about kids who were over the age of 17. My now 12 yr old is starved for Dad's attention, It's so bad that now I have to find him couselling because he is failing in school. He cares about nothing. His dad hid his MP3 player, because he left it outside unattended. The kid hasn't even asked or looked for it. He lived with that in his ears. He just figures he is not going to give Dad the reaction. 
Now this is my fault? no I said nothing to the kid or Hubby. Not my business. Hubby's punishment, I'm not to get involved. 

I wish H would take blame for his part of the marriage falling apart.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Heartbroken,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately, not all people are capable of looking inside themselves and finding fault. I hope your H comes around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> Heartbroken,
> I'm sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately, not all people are capable of looking inside themselves and finding fault. I hope your H comes around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's definitely it most guys I know that cheat its just a piece of tail, something fun, some strange its never meant to replace the wife. It's not you its him that's the problem you have to decide if its worth the risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Rationalizations I heard from H:

H: I've felt "disconnected" from you for a while now.
Me: WTH does that mean? Why didn't you say something to me? 
No attempt to "reconnect"?

H: Thought that you felt trapped.
Me: Of course I feel trapped, I'm recovering from brain surgery and my body isn't cooperating with me. Give me some time and help me recover.

H: You've changed, you're not the girl I married 25 years ago.
Me: It's called menopause, brain surgery, raising kids, GROWING UP!

And the list goes on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I am utterly confused. I feel we have a major problem and don't see how we can get past this without an answer but the thing is, I don't *have* that answer.
> 
> I have asked my H numerous times about why he felt he needed the attention of anotherwoman. Thinking constructively, that is, if we knew why he sought this elsewhere, we could work on that aspect of the relationship, strengthen things and also help prevent it from happening again.
> 
> ...


I would believe your H. And accept “people are different”. I had an affair early on in my marriage. It had absolutely nothing, nada, zilch, zero to do with my wife. It was all to do with me.

That’s one of the reasons why I keep telling people they are not responsible for their partner’s behaviour in these things.

But. But if you have a gut feeling or your intuition is telling you your relationship could be very much better than it currently is then I strongly recommend going on a marriage enrichment program. This is different to marriage counselling.

Bob


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The good news is: This was nothing to do with you.

The bad news is: This was nothing to do with you.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

It has to do with what is lacking on the inside of him. Lack of character is good place to start.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Its difficult to survey people having secret affairs. But this site had some interesting information. Most of the reasons given for women's affairs had nothing to do with their husbands.



Improves self-esteem She enjoys the attention and compliments about her abilities as well as her body.​
New and varied sexual experience She feels freer to experiment and explore with a lover than with her husband​
Emotional connection she desires emotional closeness and intimacy​
Loneliness she needs someone to talk with who will listen to her​
Deeper understanding of self she learns from exploring her feelings and thoughts with someone who cares for her​
Feel younger and sexier her lover's desire for her sexually makes her feel playful and free​
fear of aging she is afraid getting older will eliminate her attractiveness to men​

Source


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