# I know many think the wives have a premium on this...



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

But I *definitely* think my husband "tests" me in small, medium, and big ways when he has a bug up his butt.

"Fitness"? I don't know. But if I respond in a certain way, doowwwn the rabbit hole we go...

5 days ago. His bad attitude.
My wrong response = FAIL, because once I responded the way I did, HE had reason to throw blame 100% on me.
That was a big test.

Tonight, a small test:
I laugh out loud and make fun of that obnoxious Fancy Feast commercial that was aired during the Oscars (I am NOT a fluffy cat person).
My H agrees with me and laughs at it with me.
Then makes a comment. 
I laugh at his comment.

He shoots at me in snotty fashion, "Oh, it's ok if I say that? You're not going to get all mad at me for saying that? I'm not going to *offend* you?"

I channel MEM and stare him down. 
He backs down.

And sorry boys, but wives aren't the only ones who take out their bad days on their spouses. 
The other day when my H was stressed about money and irritated at me about his car, he spent all of MC blame-throwing in my face. That was a medium test (the size mitigated by the presence of the MC who, to be honest, I think could've stepped in more, but whatever).

I failed that test by reacting, defending, and proving his accusations right (in his mind). 
If I had stayed calm and deflected, he would've been left sputtering on his own.

Check out my avatar. SHE'S the alpha who is done taking responsibility for her husband's temper tantrums, done coaxing for understanding, done yelling back when she's yelled at, done chasing him around the house begging him to listen to her, done being knocked off-balance by his mood swings, done whining and looking at him with weepy eyes.

She's "standing up" or "manning up" or hey, "suiting up." Yeah.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And before anyone wants to offer me a detailed definition or link defining "fitness tests," I did NOT call these tests "fitness" tests, and I DONT think they're the same thing women supposedly do when they want to know their men can "be dominant."

But I am CERTAIN that my H says things and carefully watches how I react. 

He's testing me to see if I'll be a neurotic pain in the ass. So he provokes me (sometimes unconsciously, I believe.)

And if I react with emotion.....bad news.

And I definitely feel I'm being tested, on trial, to see if I'll own up to the "changes" I've committed to making, and he's all but TOLD me that if I "fail" at that (not in so many words), he feels entitled to have his own **** fits himself.

End disclaimer here.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Look at the advice in MrNiceGuy's thread vs. "man up". It makes far more sense IMO.

B/c it's one thing to be involved in a power struggle (shifting the burden for who holds the 'stability' in the marriage), or face somebody's childishness, it's another to misinterpret different female signals ("This outfit makes me look fat" vs "Do these pants make my ass look fat")

A lot of the "Man Up" advice is generic, really. Walk away/ignore someone who is angry. If someone did you wrong, don't comfort them b/c she cries (MNG I am looking at you) unless she's crying about "I did such and such wrong I should have done this instead and really needed this and was wrong not to" etc.. Your spouse cheats set OM/OW's house on fire, but calmly (you don't want to leave fingerprints). Etc.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's testing me to see if I'll be a neurotic pain in the ass. So he provokes me (sometimes unconsciously, I believe.)



Self-fulfilling prophecy. *Why* does he do that? Why do you engage? Figure out what is the matter. You wouldn't engage if you didn't have some personal issues there.

You'll never be able to 'make' your husband or anyone else see their role, but find yours, especially if the other person in the dynamic is a smartass about it--that means they've got defenses piled up on top of defenses, you'll never get through to that w/out disengaging whatever the contribution/stimulus from your end is (and even then it may not happen).


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh yeah. I see the difference. I'm just venting because I have been steadily losing my mind for...awhile.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

less_disgruntled said:


> Self-fulfilling prophecy. *Why* does he do that? Why do you engage? Figure out what is the matter. You wouldn't engage if you didn't have some personal issues there.
> 
> You'll never be able to 'make' your husband or anyone else see their role, but find yours, especially if the other person in the dynamic is a smartass about it--that means they've got defenses piled up on top of defenses, you'll never get through to that w/out disengaging whatever the contribution/stimulus from your end is (and even then it may not happen).


Yeeeeup. Hence the advent of my individual counseling. Woohoo!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yeeeeup. Hence the advent of my individual counseling. Woohoo!


I'm not sure on this one. It sounds like he's got some serious resentment issues he needs to let go of. He's blaming for no sole reason to start a fight.

I know you don't want to hear this, but he does have to man up and take responsibilities for his own happiness. He needs to own his problems, not dump them on someone else, if that is the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> I'm not sure on this one. It sounds like he's got some stilts resentment issues he needs to let go of. He's blaming for no sole reason to start a fight.
> 
> I know you don't want to hear this, but he does have to man up and take responsibilities for his own happiness. He needs to own his problems, not dump them on someone else, if that is the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah but *everybody* has to own their own problems and *no one* can make them. They might get that rude awakening and learn that one is next to zero but they may never. Maybe you can shame some dude into it by insulting his shrunken testicles, or maybe not. etc.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

What he's doing doesn't sound like fitness testing, btw. Sounds more like being childish to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> I'm not sure on this one. It sounds like he's got some serious resentment issues he needs to let go of. He's blaming for no sole reason to start a fight.
> 
> I know you don't want to hear this, but he does have to man up and take responsibilities for his own happiness. He needs to own his problems, not dump them on someone else, if that is the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know that.
Which is why I'm going to step back and stop taking responsibility for his emotions.
Counseling will help me do that, among other things.
If I don't proactively take care of myself in that way, I will go insane. 
I'd love for him to do ind counseling too.
But he'll only do it if he chooses to on his own, not if I push.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> What he's doing doesn't sound like fitness testing, btw. Sounds more like being childish to me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's both, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Wait. It's not "fitness" testing.
But he is testing me.
I know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

less_disgruntled said:


> Yeah but *everybody* has to own their own problems and *no one* can make them. They might get that rude awakening and learn that one is next to zero but they may never. Maybe you can shame some dude into it by insulting his shrunken testicles, or maybe not. etc.


On the contrary. Nobody has to shame him into anything. He's going to continue with his temper tantrums, until one day he just found out he drove his wife away into separation because of his poor attitude. Then, he's going to realize how stupid he's been, and come to the idea that maybe if he wasn't being such a baby, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Because, after all of that, he's then going to realize that the resentments he had werent such a really big fkn deal in the first place.

Then, he's going to whine, bed, plead, and cry for his wifes forgiveness. Then, his wife is going to look at his tearing little eyes, and feel even more disgusted with him for being such a little wuss, and lose all respect for him, what little was even left. And he will continue to whine and beg all the way to the divorce signing, after which his ex wife is going to leave the lawyers office with a big "whew! Glad that's over!"

And then because little man can't own his own problems, he'll continue to blame her for the entire situation, alimony, and child support. And blame the fates for taking such a dump on his life.

The shame is actually in realizing that if he just spoke his freaking mind about what was bothering him instead of having little temper tantrums, which is sooo passive aggressive - and a huge love buster- those little problems wouldn't have been such a big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Wow.
Needless to say, I hope YOU'RE not an Oracle.
But I dig your screenname.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Btw, cred,

I wasn't specifically revering to your husband. This is more of a worst case scenario....

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> This is more of a worst case scenario....
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hell yeah it is!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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