# Really need help understanding apologies



## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

During what shouldn't have even been a fight, my wife said something to me that was extremely hurtful. Before that happened, I was trying my best to not let it turn into a fight, but she escalated it quickly and then she said it. I finally gave in after she said that and blew up back at her. 

The next morning she apologizes for her actions and what she said. I accepted it and apologized for my reaction and the things I said in response. I went on to say something along the lines that I was still very hurt about what she did and that I wasn't giving into her fits anymore. She just wanted to get off the phone and didn't have anything to say to that. 

So later I sent her a text to make sure she understood where I stand and what to expect from now on. It said:

I'm not going to argue anymore. I'll say my peace. If you want to listen and have a peaceful conversation about it, that would be great. If you'd rather not listen (like getting off the phone instead of giving any sort of feedback), then that's your prerogative, but it won't get us anywhere. What I'm not going to do is waste any time of my life on us arguing or dealing with your moodiness"


Apparently that last part is extremely hurtful to her. She read it as though I said I've wasted my life on her and that I won't waste my life on her anymore. 

Makes no sense to me. I've spent all day trying to clear it up but she just keeps going on about how much I've hurt her. She expects me to apologize for hurting her, even if I didn't mean it the way she understood it.

That seems like nonsense to me. Are you really expected to apologize for hurting someone when what you said should not have hurt them? 

In one of our last counseling sessions, the counselor said something similar. I don't get it. Am I missing something here? 

I finally said "if I hurt you I am sorry, but that was not my intention and I never said I was wasting my life with you"

That pissed her off even more because I used the word 'if'. Am I crazy or does this sound like nonsense?

What she said to me was exponentially more hurtful and it wasn't a misunderstanding. And she barely apologized for it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Just say you did not mean it that way and say you are sorry. After all, you said that you did not think the life with her was 'wasted'.

Know this:

If you divorce, all will certainly be wasted. Do not let it get that far.
At the same time, do not allow her to bully you, make you her punching bag.. 

Ah, yes, a delicate balance.
I live this same balance every day.

Pick your battles, this is not one of them.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

What I don't understand is why she can't realize I didn't mean that and just drop it. She's acting like everything is ruined over what she already knows is a misunderstanding.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

And what's wrong with saying "if I hurt you I am sorry"???


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I get why that hurt her. Emotions were running high and nothing was going to bounce off.

you tried to make good with the "if I hurt you I am sorry, but that was not my intention and I never said I was wasting my life with you"

IMO, she is nitpicking a bit and needs to let it go. Meh, I could say the same about you. 

Make peace - explicitly acknowledge that what you said hurt her, but that it was not said with an ill intent. The truth is that there was no "if" about it. What you said hurt her.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

twtw said:


> And what's wrong with saying "if I hurt you I am sorry"???


Because it implies that you either didn't listen to her (she told you she was hurt, no if about it) or you don't believe her. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

She's not really mad because of what you said. She's mad because when you argue you aren't listening to her and validating her point of view. Try talking with her and using probing questions to get her to open up. Ask her why she feels that way and what else you may have done to hurt her. Keep it up until she lets you know everything. Then try to understand her point of view rather than just give an empty apology. You do that by repeating what it is she conveyed to you to make sure you understand it. After all of that you can apologize because you'll actually understand why she is upset.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sorry i can't help you.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

twtw said:


> During what shouldn't have even been a fight, my wife said something to me that was extremely hurtful. Before that happened, I was trying my best to not let it turn into a fight, but she escalated it quickly and then she said it. I finally gave in after she said that and blew up back at her.
> 
> The next morning she apologizes for her actions and what she said. I accepted it and apologized for my reaction and the things I said in response. I went on to say something along the lines that I was still very hurt about what she did and that I wasn't giving into her fits anymore. She just wanted to get off the phone and didn't have anything to say to that.
> 
> ...


Some people are more sensitive than others. If you want, you can read the book "The Emotionally Sensitive Person" and it will give you a little insight into what it's about.

Your wife seems to be a relatively sensitive person. Things that wouldn't bother a normal person, bother her. You can berate her, or tell her it's a waste of your time for her to let small things bother her, but it will cause her to build a wall between you. She'll emotionally shut you out, and only give you "public" reactions and feelings. Is that what you want?

The alternative is that you can accept that she's sensitive, and that she'll be upset about things that seem trivial sometimes.

Now, I don't know how heated these arguments get, or what she said to you. But name-calling, angry outbursts, and heated arguments aren't acceptable. Period. If she starts yelling, then you need to de-escalate the situation, not respond with something just as provoking. This isn't the third grade, and it doesn't matter if she said something "worse". It doesn't justify you retaliating.

Both of you should read the book "Love Busters". It will guide you through dealing with conflict.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You hurt her. No if about it. Saying "if" is calling her a liar. There is no getting around that.

It does not matter at all if you think what you said should not have hurt her. That is irrelevant. You cannot dismiss or invalidate her feelings just because you don't think she has the right to feel that way.

You just wanted to throw gasoline on the fire.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You did the right thing OP, she crossed a line and you blew up at her and she apologized. But, you could not leave it there and you kept it going and she turned it around on you and now you are in the dog house and she has the high ground. It is all games and no one wins. Stick to what you did originally and try to keep things from escalating and make sure she understands you will not be disrespected in anyway.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

How to apologise, a guide for men


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> Because, you dope, you did hurt her, and you know you hurt here. But the "if" effectively says she had no right to be hurt, no right to that emotion.
> 
> Plus, she didn't want to talk right then, so you fired a text at her, so she would have to listen.
> 
> ...


I didn't want to get into it, but maybe it'll give some context. Also realize she's been dealing with sexual childhood abuse that she's just now remembering and getting treatment for it. But living with her has been terrible. She's impossible to be around at times, and no matter how supportive I am, I've been nothing but a whipping post for her for the last 1-2 years. She's admitted it and has apologized for it time and time again. But she continues to do it. She sees me as the enemy, yet still treats the abuser nicer than she treats me. I'm SICK of it.

So, having said that... this is what started it:

I came into the living room to watch TV and I commented on how the dogs stunk. No attitude. It's something she's said before. But for some reason she took offense to it. I said it's okay I'm not upset with you, the dogs just stink and I was venting about it. Then she got madder and said that she "busted her ass" after she got home and cleaned up for me. (She only vacuumed the area rug when she got home, nothing more. hardly "busting her ass")

So again I said I wasn't upset with her, I was just venting about the dogs (because they drive me crazy, I don't want dogs living in the house).

She just kept escalating and I kept trying to diffuse. Until she started yelling and slamming doors. I said something like "Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm not supposed to ever be upset or have a bad day, only you can do that. Because you don't give a damn about me and take it personally anytime I'm not kissing your ass."

She replied back "If I didn't care about you what do you call that BJ last night"

That set me over the edge. We might have some sort of sex once ever couple months, and now she's acting like she cares so much about me because she gave me head. 

So I asked her if she wanted a cookie for giving me a BJ once in the last 2 months

She screamed that she hates having sex with me and only forces herself to do it for me. 

That's what hurt so bad.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

And now the entire focus is because I said the word "if"

It's BULL****


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

BioFury said:


> Some people are more sensitive than others. If you want, you can read the book "The Emotionally Sensitive Person" and it will give you a little insight into what it's about.
> 
> Your wife seems to be a relatively sensitive person. Things that wouldn't bother a normal person, bother her. You can berate her, or tell her it's a waste of your time for her to let small things bother her, but it will cause her to build a wall between you. She'll emotionally shut you out, and only give you "public" reactions and feelings. Is that what you want?
> 
> ...



I have never, ever, met someone as sensitive as her. Nothing gets past her. Everything sets her off, even if it's nothing. People have witnessed her take something positive I say and twist it into being something negative towards her. She's paranoid that I always have an ulterior motive. I might even just have a weird look on my face while I'm working on something and she'll think I'm mad at her.

I'm so damn trapped. I can't do anything right. I keep trying to learn and be better, but she just continues to get worse.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, your crazy mixed up fight has no bearing on your poor excuse for an apology which was obviously phrased to add insult. 

Just more gasoline on the fire, like I said.

A cookie?

Maybe you two should just call it quits.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

twtw said:


> I didn't want to get into it, but maybe it'll give some context. Also realize she's been dealing with sexual childhood abuse that she's just now remembering and getting treatment for it. But living with her has been terrible. She's impossible to be around at times, and no matter how supportive I am, I've been nothing but a whipping post for her for the last 1-2 years. She's admitted it and has apologized for it time and time again. But she continues to do it. She sees me as the enemy, yet still treats the abuser nicer than she treats me. I'm SICK of it.
> 
> So, having said that... this is what started it:
> 
> ...




You said she’s getting treatment, as in counseling? That’s really good — you would probably benefit from counseling as well. Being the partner of a CSA survivor is rough, especially early on in the healing process. MC would probably help also but first starting IC for yourself would be the priority IMO. I’m so sorry she went through that, the journey to healing is long and painful — for the survivors as well as those who love them. My best wishes for you both!


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

twtw said:


> I have never, ever, met someone as sensitive as her. Nothing gets past her. Everything sets her off, even if it's nothing. People have witnessed her take something positive I say and twist it into being something negative towards her. She's paranoid that I always have an ulterior motive. I might even just have a weird look on my face while I'm working on something and she'll think I'm mad at her.
> 
> I'm so damn trapped. I can't do anything right. I keep trying to learn and be better, but she just continues to get worse.


So, it looks as though there are much bigger problems than your apology. Stick with the couples counselling and hope she makes as much effort as you. Worst case, if your marriage doesn't survive, you'll at least have upped your skills. Good luck.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

KaraBoo0723 said:


> You said she’s getting treatment, as in counseling? That’s really good — you would probably benefit from counseling as well. Being the partner of a CSA survivor is rough, especially early on in the healing process. MC would probably help also but first starting IC for yourself would be the priority IMO. I’m so sorry she went through that, the journey to healing is long and painful — for the survivors as well as those who love them. My best wishes for you both!


We are going to marriage counseling. 

I'm at my wits end. I've been to the end of the world and back for this woman and she treats her enemies better than she treats me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

twtw said:


> She sees me as the enemy, yet still treats the abuser nicer than she treats me. I'm SICK of it.
> 
> So again I said I wasn't upset with her, I was just venting about the dogs (because they drive me crazy, I don't want dogs living in the house).


^^THIS.^^ Here are two issues that get under your skin. Apparently they have not been resolved. Sounds like you resent it. I'm not judging here. It just sounds like something that really bothers you and has not been resolved to your satisfaction.



twtw said:


> "... you don't give a damn about me and take it personally anytime I'm not kissing your ass."
> 
> She replied back "If I didn't care about you what do you call that BJ last night"
> 
> ...


Wow. From what I'm reading, it sounds like you and your wife both have a ton of resentment, and your communication skills suck at finding a mutually desirable resolution. Actually, it sounds like you don't particularly like each other. 

It doesn't sound like there's much apologizing going on from either party. JMO.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS.^^ Here are two issues that get under your skin. Apparently they have not been resolved. Sounds like you resent it. I'm not judging here. It just sounds like something that really bothers you and has not been resolved to your satisfaction.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I can honestly say that I do not like her right now and haven't for a while.

Lots of resentment. 

However, I want to like her. I think she is going through a period that is insanely difficult and I have hope. I still love her and I'm committed to her. But I do not like being around her.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

twtw said:


> We are going to marriage counseling.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm at my wits end. I've been to the end of the world and back for this woman and she treats her enemies better than she treats me.




I am sure this will not help right now but the fact that she feels safe enough with you to let it all out is actually a positive thing. I am not saying her behavior is appropriate AT ALL but she trusts your love enough to show all of her emotions, unfortunately a lot of them are not very healthy right now. 

My H stuck with me when I was sick (hallucinating, paranoid, and at times vicious due to a head injury) and he said the same things you are regarding how much he loves me but he really couldn’t stand to be around me right then. I am thankful that he did, I would not have blamed him at all for throwing in the towel. 

You say that you are in MC now but are YOU receiving IC? I feel that is very important as you try to navigate this ugly and painful part of your marriage. It really will help you to find the healthiest ways to support your wife while also standing up for yourself as well.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if I may, you will get much further in relationships if you accept a few vital truths that seem to currently be escaping you. First, two people may experience a single event/situation very differently, and feel differently about it, without one of them being wrong. Second, your wife's feelings and emotional needs are every bit as valid as your own, even if they are different from yours. And, finally, any "apology" that includes anything resembling a qualifier or dismissive language (like your "if") is not actually an apology - it's a continuation of the argument that you're still trying to win. 

Your use of "if" in you apology indicates that you don't believe her feelings should be hurt. You're invalidating her feelings because you don't respect her right to have feelings you don't agree with or share. But that's not how this works. Her feelings are just as valid as yours, even if they're different than how you would feel. The fact is, that she is hurt. So start from a position of accepting that she is hurt and you hurt her, and go from there. 

Also, keep seeing that counselor together. Perhaps see if a few solo sessions to work on empathy, respect, and the ability to accept perspectives other than your own, might also be in order. But do keep in mind that your wife, your marriage, and your entire relationship dynamic are all very broken, at least right now. Not every couple who loves one another, is compatible for the long term. It may be the you and your wife are simply not compatible any more.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

KaraBoo0723 said:


> twtw said:
> 
> 
> > We are going to marriage counseling.
> ...


I've heard that a million times and it's never helped. I'm tired of being **** on just because she can be comfortable around me. I'm not talking about the difficult times, the crying, the panic attacks, or any of that. I'm talking about striking out at me over every little thing. Meanwhile she treats everyone else like they're perfect. 

I just can't handle that anymore. She knows it. She's told me she thinks she's losing me. But I've felt like I lost her years ago when the panic attacks started and she started acting out at me. 

I don't know what IC is?

I'm going to see the counselor Monday. I don't know if she's coming. 

It blew up again tonight. I approached her and said look I'm really trying to understand why I need to apologize for hurting you when I don't see any justification for it and I'm sorry I hurt you. 

She said Thank you! And then started going on about why it takes me so long to get it. Like I'm stupid. Then she asked me why it takes so long. I said if you want to know it's because I need to know you understand what I meant and acknowledge that it's a misunderstanding. 

Then she blew up because she said I was trying to just twist it back into being all her fault. I said no! I just want to know you hear my side and understand what I really said. What's wrong with that?

She basically said it didn't matter and only her needs matter. 

Then the yelling started and she started being a smartass.

I got mad and said this was all bull**** and that we wouldn't even be in this situation if she could have controlled her emotions from the moment I quickly explained that I wasn't upset with her or directing my complaint towards her. But no, now we're fighting till the bitter end because my apologies aren't good enough. 

I told her she has got to stop letting her emotions control her. She said I need to stop being an *******. 

I had to leave. I'm so damn fed up. She just wants to fight.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

But you are also letting your emotions control you. You don't have to argue with her. When you feel she's trying to start an argument, just tell her that you feel the conversation has gotten too heated and that you would prefer to talk later when both of you are calmer. Then go find something else to do. 

It takes two people to argue. If you stop arguing with her when she's heated, then she'll have no one to argue with. You cannot change her, but you can learn to change yourself and how you engage with her.


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## twtw (Nov 16, 2017)

Rowan said:


> But you are also letting your emotions control you. You don't have to argue with her. When you feel she's trying to start an argument, just tell her that you feel the conversation has gotten too heated and that you would prefer to talk later when both of you are calmer. Then go find something else to do.
> 
> It takes two people to argue. If you stop arguing with her when she's heated, then she'll have no one to argue with. You cannot change her, but you can learn to change yourself and how you engage with her.


That's good advice and it's what I keep telling myself I'm going to do. Sometimes I do it, most of the times I don't. I'm a fighter. I like to get it out and get it over with so we can move on. But our fights drag out for days.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

twtw said:


> I've heard that a million times and it's never helped. I'm tired of being **** on just because she can be comfortable around me. I'm not talking about the difficult times, the crying, the panic attacks, or any of that. I'm talking about striking out at me over every little thing. Meanwhile she treats everyone else like they're perfect.
> 
> I just can't handle that anymore. She knows it. She's told me she thinks she's losing me. But I've felt like I lost her years ago when the panic attacks started and she started acting out at me.
> 
> ...




I understand. IC is individual counseling — therapy just for you, not marriage counseling. 

I am so sorry you’re going through this, being the whipping post gets old quickly. Ultimately, you need to do what is best, safest and healthiest for you — even if that means leaving. The abuse she suffered does not justify any of the abuse that seems to be happening in your marriage. Not all CSA survivors are able to maintain a healthy relationship with a significant other and you do need to ensure your own physical and emotional/mental health and safety.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

OP,

My mom once did something so hurtful to me that our relationship never fully recovered. It forever colored how I viewed her and how close I was willing to be to her. Like your wife I got a "sorry if hurt you apology' which just made it worse.

Objectively she didn't really do anything that bad that's why she couldn't understand why I was hurt and the fact she couldn't understand why is what hurt the most.

If she had a clue what I was feeling or what I was going through at the time...if she understood me...if she really knew me ...then she would have known how what she did would effect me. Even my extreme response didn't give her a clue. She was only defensive about what she did and not concerned with why it hurt me so much.

My point is have you asked your wife what it was about that particular comment that hurt her so much? My guess is she saw your comment as confirmation of what she already thought you believed. That's why it was so easy for her to take it out of context.


Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

twtw said:


> I'm a fighter. I like to get it out and get it over with so we can move on. But our fights drag out for days.


I understand having built-up/pent-up resentment. Trust me, I DO. I was in marriage hell for many years; my late husband was a raging alcoholic. And, yeah, as a fighter myself I can go toe-to-toe with the best of them. 

But it doesn't solve the issues/problems. Both of you fighting is not working. When a fight drags on for DAYS, it means the methods both of you are using to clear the air are just plain wrong.

Detach, detach, detach. You have to own what is yours. Not hers. In order to be responsible for your part of this, you must detach. As soon as she starts to escalate, you get in the car and drive. Go to a movie. Go grab a bite to eat. Whatever. But get the hell outta Dodge. Just. Do. It.

Both you are your wife are behaving poorly. So let her behave like a horse's patoot. She owns that. Pick up your pieces and DO NOT ENGAGE FURTHER. Because the way you're handling this - or should I say, not handling it - isn't working for you are her. Seriously.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And an added P.S. here. I finally had to leave my marriage. I didn't file for divorce, but I made no promises that we would ever reconcile. I left to work on ME. I needed a respite from the insanity, and I needed some peace and solitude. Just something to chew on ...


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

twtw said:


> I have never, ever, met someone as sensitive as her. Nothing gets past her. Everything sets her off, even if it's nothing. People have witnessed her take something positive I say and twist it into being something negative towards her. She's paranoid that I always have an ulterior motive. I might even just have a weird look on my face while I'm working on something and she'll think I'm mad at her.
> 
> I'm so damn trapped. I can't do anything right. I keep trying to learn and be better, but she just continues to get worse.


Being married to her is going to take a lot of patience. You need to decide whether you're going to cultivate it, or not.

On it's face, there's nothing wrong with commenting on the dogs stinking. Except that I suspect she really loves the dogs, and it's because of her that they're inside. You two may even have had some arguments about it in the past. So when you say "The dogs stink", it's not just a passing comment. To her, you're dragging up an old conflict, telling her it's her fault, and perhaps bashing a fur-baby she loves very much.

When things like this happen, you need to take a proactive, peacemaking approach. You need to get up, go over and give her a long hug, and tell her you love her. That's just an example, but you need to identify her most important emotional needs, and start meeting them with enthusiasm. Most women respond to affection, hence the long hug, and verbal affirmation of your love. You need to use positive feelings to defuse the situation.

The outburst about how only she can have a bad day, is not acceptable. Think about it, were you happier after you said it? Did making that comment improve your life in any way? No, but it did make her unhappy, and created a rift between you too. Which just made your situation that much worse. You have to reign that in, and not allow yourself to lose control like that. Thoughtless comments and behavior just makes your life worse, and her life worse.

You need to read both the books in my signature. "His Needs, Her Needs", and "Love Busters". They talk about the principles I've talked about in this post, and will give you much needed guidance on repairing the breach in your relationship with your wife.

*Edited to Add:* I'm not excusing your wife's behavior. She sounds like she has some serious issues of her own. But you won't improve your marriage by telling her everything is her fault. You have plenty to work on yourself. Learn to do what I outlined above, read the books I mentioned, and then you'll be in a position to help address the other part of the problem. Your task right now, is becoming a part of the solution. Rather than a part of the problem.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

A person does not need to understand someone to believe someone.

I seldom understand my wife, but I believe her when she tells me I have hurt her feelings. I never argue with her and say that's ridiculous. I do not need to understand her to accept her.

My wife is damaged goods. Childhood Sexual Assault, Conversion Therapy when she was 12 years old that was carried out violently over a long period of time, she suffered panic attacks nearly daily for about 24 years. She was in intensive therapy for over 8 years, and continued off and on for another 4 years until her panic attacks where finally solved. My wife has a pathological sickness which cannot be cured, which we deal with every day, as a result of the traumas she has suffered.

One thing I never do is add fuel to any fire. I rule her with an iron will, absolutely, but I never insult her, I never say anything that she thinks is an insult. I never say anything that might hurt her feelings.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I see this differently then others here I guess because my step father was verbally abusive every night for the 13 years I lived there. It really didn't matter what or how you treated him. He always had a reason to scream in your face and slam doors. He made living with him hell on earth. He drove me from home at 18 and wasted most of the remaining years of my Mother's youth. This while she continued to try to argue and rationalize with him hoping that just one argument would get him to see the light. Like that was possible. 

If someone punches you in the face every night and one night you eventually hit them back one time it's kind of disingenuous for them to then to be like, I can't believe you hit me and then bring it up every day after, trying to hold that over your head especially if they created the conditions where there were punches being thrown. 

Now I will couch that by saying I am taking what you say at face value. You could be a raging ******* for all I know. So my advice only holds true if it's true that she is really abusing you every night.

There has to be grace in a marriage for it to work, in any relationship really. 

Which brings me to creating the conditions that this could happen. It seems both of you are not capable of getting along right now as she works through her history. As such I suggest you detach. The most extreme would be to move out for a while, but I might start with just sticking with the business of your marriage and doing your own thing for a while. Spend your time in another room or go out and do wholesome activities where she knows where you are but where you are not with her. After a while if want to try again see how she is. If she starts up again don't engage at all just leave the room leave that house. Move out if need be. If that still doesn't work then maybe the writing is on the wall. By the way this doesn't mean move out for months. If you need to move out for more then a few weeks time to call it in my mind. Now you have to be wiling to do this. More on that later. 

Part of doing this is so you can look a little more clearly about your future or at least think clearly about it without the daily emotion. Sometimes drama can be kind of a magnet and get you stuck. You really don't sound healthy to me. I think you care too much, and because of that you have no power in this situation. You operate out of fear and emotion and that is the last thing both of you needs. She needs you to be strong whether she knows it or not. That doesn't mean being a pincushion it means being solid in your boundaries and emotionally unaffected by her abuse. 

Besides that frankly I have grown to believe every spouse should have some fear of losing their partner. I know that sucks and seems counter intuitive but it seems to be the only thing that keeps some people on their toes. Besides that even if she doesn't have the fear, you having the confidence that you could leave at any time will allow you to operate from a position of strength. With less emotion, less fear and less reactionary.

Part of detaching is to cool things down so you can create conditions where you are arguing to solve problem not to win. She has to understand their is a serious problem and fear it enough to want to fix it more then to want to win. It will also help to bring back effective communication despite disagreements. Cool off some of the emotions and resentments you both have. 

To do that you need to learn how to say, I know you are upset but that doesn't give you the right to talk to me that way without emotion, and then detach and walk away. The best way to control the situation is to control yourself. Just shut down the conversation if she starts being disrespectful. Tell her you can pick it up again when she is respectful again. However this requires you being respectful. You have no grounds to do this if you are just as wrong as she is. And again to do this you have to have the power to know that you can leave at any time and you will be OK. Then you don't operate out of fear. It's unfortunate and a little depressing that you have to treat adults like you would teenage children especially when that person is your spouse. However I am no longer surprised that a good deal of spouses seem to have just transferred the parent teenage dynamic from their parents to their spouse. 

Now I am sure my advice here is clouded by my history. But living with an abusive person is pretty much a waste of life. And abuse doesn't just mean violence or even yelling, it can mean consent lack of decency and normal respect. I define a lack of respect as if they don't at least treat you as well as they would a colleague at work. You are their spouse not their punching bag to work out their problems. Now again I understand that sometimes people are struggling emotionally like being sick. That goes back to my grace comment. However years of this is again a waste of life. If they need years to work out emotional problems all the time using their spouse as the test subject then they really are not emotionally equipped to be in a relationship with anyone. Detaching is a good strategy to help you see if this is true one way or another. 

I say all that to say OP I think you need to at least think about the fact that some people are not marriage material. Some can be damaged enough that they just don't have the stuff to be a good spouse. Life is short, too short to get abused over and over. Love is not worth enough for that. Especially when you can love someone else.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The best way to diffuse the argument when she's going on an attack is just to remain calm and act like it doesn't bother you. Then calmly tell her you'd be happy to discuss the issues when she's willing to talk calmly with you. If she pushes more then tell her that arguing like that isn't healthy and you think it's best if one of you leaves until she can regain her composure and then you'll have a mutually respectful conversation. The key to this is to maintain your composure regardless of what she says to you and only engage in a discussion if you can BOTH be calm. This is easier said than done, but once you develop these skills the fights will end because you won't be willing to engage her.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

@twtw

Read this post and report what you think about your wife.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-divorce-pending-please-help.html#post5650737


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@twtw
I’m going to play devils advocate here.
Maybe your wife got defensive regarding your remark about the dogs smelling because she feels you are attacking her.
Have you criticized her for the dogs being stinky before, do you tend to criticize what she does or doesn’t do a lot.

He reaction seemed that of frustration and the feeling of....” nothing I do is ever good enough”...I am surmising that this is what caused her reaction, but it seems plausible as I have lived through the constant criticism....and you feel the need to defend yourself. We are not over sensitive....we are just hyper vigilant to constant put downs.

My H grabbed my legs with his feet ( he was sitting) as I walked by and I fell hard on the wood floor and hurt my wrist.
He denied doing it and said I was making something out of nothing.
His apology of “ if you think I tripped you i’m sorry”....wtf.....IF....it was blatantly obvious he did trip me......but by him saying IF....added insult to injury as he was just trying to placate me and mitigate the seriousness of what he had done.
He might have well said” i know I tripped you but it was no big deal...but I better say sorry even though I don’t think I should have to....or I’ll be in the dog house for my behaviour.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

I guess that others have said it well and it seems like you are adding oil to the fire even if you might not notice it. For example your text might seem ok to you but it sounded like you were pointing fingers and even sounded as if you were inplying that you are done wasting time dealing with her moodiness. Maybe this hurts her deeply because deep down she might know that her “moodiness” has indeed caused a lot of issues to your relationship.

It also feels like you might have a habit of invalidating her feelings. Do you often see yourself as the rational one while she is the emotional moody one? Chances are your arguments might come as invalidating and dismissive of her feelings, posing yourself as superior even if it is not what you intend.

Not that explosive reactions are excusable, but it might help if you notice what you say might trigger and how to improve communication.

You also have the right to feel hurt and of course what she said about sex was hurtful. But how you express it can lead to the other being more defensive or actually lead to remorse and empathy. It’s important that we improve how we communicate to avoid further hurt.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

twtw said:


> I can honestly say that *I do not like her right now and haven't for a while.
> 
> Lots of resentment.*
> 
> However, I want to like her. I think she is going through a period that is insanely difficult and I have hope. I still love her and I'm committed to her. But I do not like being around her.


If you're not being honest and exploring THIS ^^^ in marriage counseling, then you're wasting your time & money.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

twtw said:


> During what shouldn't have even been a fight, my wife said something to me that was extremely hurtful. Before that happened, I was trying my best to not let it turn into a fight, but she escalated it quickly and then she said it. I finally gave in after she said that and blew up back at her.
> 
> The next morning she apologizes for her actions and what she said. I accepted it and apologized for my reaction and the things I said in response. I went on to say something along the lines that I was still very hurt about what she did and that I wasn't giving into her fits anymore. She just wanted to get off the phone and didn't have anything to say to that.
> 
> ...


OP,
If the above represents an accurate quote of what you said then I do not feel an apology is warranted nor should one be expected. This is what is called taking something out of context. If your quote had stopped at the end of the bolded black print then your statement would have a completely different meaning but it did not. The statement must be taken in its entirety to fully relate the message you were trying to convey.

Her not assuming responsibility for taking your words out of context and twisting them to suit her purpose of being hurt, is her issue to deal with and no fault of yours. People of limited intellect seem to think that apologies have mystical powers and can erase history. They cannot. It is much more prudent to weigh carefully your words, and actions for that matter, and to proceed based on that consideration. She seems to think that saying "I'm sorry" magically puts everything right and they use it as a convenient excuse for poor behavior.

The consideration then ultimately becomes do you want to try and see this through. If so, then YOU must make allowances for HER misconceptions and take responsibility for HER feelings. This is a daunting task but if it is what you want then you must acknowledge that it will be this way until she becomes capable of assuming responsibility for her own feelings. And you must accept that the probability is quite low that this will happen. I wish you good fortune.


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## TheOriginalAlphaOmega (Nov 16, 2017)

I have a different take on the original post, and the argument described in that post.

Do you see what she did there? She flipped the focus. And she did it like a master. She took the conversation about 'you' and how your feelings were hurt, and she made it something about "her". Now, she doesn't have to deal with the topic you were discussing; she doesn't have to deal with your feelings. All your energy is now focused on how "she" was hurt.

Does she have an avoidance personality? I used to be an avoider. The last thing i would ever have wanted to do was discuss why I made you feel a certain way and then have to look inwards at a potential flaw in my personality.

Take care, friend. I hope things get resolved for you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TheOriginalAlphaOmega said:


> I have a different take on the original post, and the argument described in that post.
> 
> Do you see what she did there? She flipped the focus. And she did it like a master. She took the conversation about 'you' and how your feelings were hurt, and she made it something about "her". Now, she doesn't have to deal with the topic you were discussing; she doesn't have to deal with your feelings. All your energy is now focused on how "she" was hurt.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with this.


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