# I love being single



## southbound

I’ve probably had a similar post before, but I’ve been divorced for over 5 years after having been married for 18 years. I must say, once the shock and sorrow wore off, I’m happy as a lark being single, and when I say single, I don’t just mean not married, I mean that having a relationship is at the bottom of my list; it’s like I have no desire.

I know it’s a personality thing. I know some people can’t spend 10 minutes alone, and some people would rather die than have to come home to an empty house, but I love it. I really don’t feel an emptiness or void. There is give and take in a relationship, and I really don’t know what I would want to give up now to have a relationship. I do what I want, when I want, and I love it.

I believe one thing that helped is that I didn’t try to jump into the dating field while the wounds were still open and hope a new partner would help. Once I returned to normal mentally, I discovered that I love being single. 

Anyone else discover that they enjoy being single, or am I the Lone Ranger?


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## BlueWoman

Me too! I love it.


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## bandit.45

Me three!


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## Nomorebeans

I felt very lonely in my marriage. I suspected for many years that my ex-husband didn't really love me, and possibly never had. He routinely made me feel small - like what I had to say and felt didn't matter, to the point that his own family noticed it, and told me after he left me that they were surprised I stayed with him for as long as I did.

I'm glad I didn't rush out to date after we divorced. I had to first stop missing him, and then come to a point where I was glad that he's gone. Now that I'm there, I have no desire to date, still. A few of my recently divorced friends have jumped into the dating pool hip-deep and have regretted it. I just don't want any more drama in my life. The last year has given me more of that than all the 25 years I was married combined. 

I think if I ever end up dating again, it will be someone I've known for a long time, or a friend of a trusted friend. It will certainly be someone who comes pre-vetted. My ex has shattered my ability to blindly trust anyone. Really, I just don't care to deal with all the crap that comes with any relationship - even a good one.

I've always felt less lonely when I was alone than I felt when I was with my husband. That carries over into all my relationships. I was invited out to two different get-togethers with women friends I like tonight, and I turned them both down. I'm really not anti-social - but I find I'm most comfortable when I'm alone. Having my dog here sleeping at my feet is all the company I want.


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## Cooper

For much of my life I have been responsible for other people in one way or another. The last two years I have been coming home to an empty house, and I absolutely love it! The freedom I have right now in my life is something I have never experienced before, there's always some peripheral stuff going on with kids and family and employees but for the most part when I'm home I have no one to deal with but myself, and I get along with me very well thank you. 

I have become very protective of my freedom, I honestly couldn't imagine inviting someone new into my life. I get to do what I want when I want, and the most important part is I don't have to do anything I don't want to do! Yeah for me!!


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## southbound

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm glad I didn't rush out to date after we divorced. I had to first stop missing him, and then come to a point where I was glad that he's gone. Now that I'm there, I have no desire to date, still. A few of my recently divorced friends have jumped into the dating pool hip-deep and have regretted it. I just don't want any more drama in my life. The last year has given me more of that than all the 25 years I was married combined.


Sounds like me. It seems that with some, once they get a divorce, one of their major concerns is getting into another relationship. I just want to tell them to take it easy for a while. Allow the craziness going on in the brain to die down, and then evaluate where you are. One might discover they enjoy being single. I'm like you too, I don't want drama, but I guess I'm so laid back, it doesn't take much for me to label it as drama. I like serenity and maturity. 

I also have this feeling of "been there-done that." It's not like I'm starting to build a life at age 20. 




Nomorebeans said:


> I think if I ever end up dating again, it will be someone I've known for a long time, or a friend of a trusted friend. It will certainly be someone who comes pre-vetted. My ex has shattered my ability to blindly trust anyone. Really, I just don't care to deal with all the crap that comes with any relationship - even a good one.


Again, sounds like me. Even good relationships have crap, and I'm just not interested. I can't think of anything that beats no drama and just getting to do everything like I want to do it. i also think that if I have one source of stress, it's the only one. For example, if I suddenly have to get a 10 page report prepared for work in 2 days, that's the only issue I have. I don't have to come home to additional issues and wonder why somebody is in a mood or have my papers on my desk ready to begin and then be informed that we have other plans that originated 30 minutes ago. 



Nomorebeans said:


> I've always felt less lonely when I was alone than I felt when I was with my husband. That carries over into all my relationships. I was invited out to two different get-togethers with women friends I like tonight, and I turned them both down. I'm really not anti-social - but I find I'm most comfortable when I'm alone. Having my dog here sleeping at my feet is all the company I want.


Same here. I understand what you mean by not being anti-social, but being most comfortable alone. That's difficult to explain to those who don't feel that way. I actually perform on stage from time to time, so I certainly don't have a problem with being around people, but I don't crave it.


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## SimplyAmorous

I don't belong on this thread.. Southbound well knows it.. I'm one of those who would hate hate hate being single.. I love having someone to come home to, to share everything with, to wake up to and I will shut up now. 

I feel if I didn't have that.. life would loose it's color and "oommph' for me... I'd be jealous of those in love, who had someone to joke with, take walks in the woods with, etc etc.... 

But I don't have a career, like many others.. and it's always kinda sad when you see single parents throw themselves too much into their kids.. not that any of you do this (not saying that).. but it sometimes happen.. then you have the over bearing Mother in law who has no life. 

I have always felt that deep down, everyone wanted to find significant lasting Union with another.. 

Southbound is the sole poster on TAM that has convinced me,* it just isn't always so [email protected]#*

I was wrong.. Good for you Southbound ! Excuse my post.


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## Ynot

I have been rapidly coming to terms with being alone. I love the idea of being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I am self employed and have way more control over my time than most people. I can work at 10 AM or 10 PM, 2 AM or 2 PM. The same goes for naps, eating, playing and anything else. I work as much or as little as I want.
But then the issue for me is still - What do I want? I am still discovering this part of who I am.


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## ChargingCharlie

Have to admit that I miss being single. Been married over 15 years now, together around 18, and it's at the point that we're just roommates sharing a bed, house, and kids. Both of our faults, really - I know that I'm at the point where I don't even like being around her most of the time. She complains that I never communicate with her (fair complaint, I just don't have a whole lot to say and I'm burned out). 

I sound a lot like Southbound - have a major deadline for work, then when I get home have to wonder why she's in a pissy mood. I like being alone and not having to deal with moods and her laziness. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd get a divorce (issue for me is that she's immature and lazy, and I shudder to think what they would see/hear if I wasn't involved as much as I am now).


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## southbound

SA, I’m glad I was able to show you a different side in a convincing way. I think we all tend to think that everyone is like us with a little variation. It seems like the standard belief is that if one is single and alone, they must be a little sadder or their life must be less exciting than someone who is married or in a relationship, but that is just not the case. You have convinced me that there are some people who have great marriages and are as happy as can be with it. That’s not a totally weird concept to me anyway, but I have discovered a lot about relationships as I have aged. 
There are those whose marriages do not work and they get divorce, but those aren’t the only people who aren’t waking up in a pool of joy every day. I know so many people who are married that have this look of blah on their face, and I know many who give up things to be with someone, and I often wonder if that is truly what makes them happy. Am I really worse off than them simply because I'm single? I realize a lot of it is my personality. SA, I believe you and your husband like to spend a lot of time together, and that works for you two; nothing wrong with that. For me, I don’t want to be given attention all the time, I love the alone time.

I work with a guy in his 40s who got married for the first time. He is giving up doing a youth summer camp after 17 years because of his wife’s schedule. He doesn’t complain, but I know it’s a biggie for him. I spoke with another guy recently in his 40s who just got married for the second time. He said his wife didn’t like his retirement plans, so he had to redo some things.

I don’t have to deal with all that. I can do what I want when I want. Like Ynot, I can eat, nap, play, work, and whatever I want on my terms, and that has a feeling of freedom about it that is almost indescribable.


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## sisters359

OMG, I absolutely LOVE being single and even recently found myself looking forward to having an empty nest (which may never happen, haha, but I can dream, can't I?) I am happy alone--I love my kids to death, and I love my time with them and don't resent it (despite the empty nest fantasy), but I also want to see them as happy adults who are able to manage their own lives--and I do look forward to not having to clean up after them  

But I have also realized that I would rather be alone than compromise--unless the deepest love (like a mother's love) is involved. People talk about "lowering your standards" to find a good partner, and I think, NO!! Don't do it!! It's hard enough to live with someone you love passionately and completely; why trap yourself with someone you just "really, really like" or maybe love in some ways but not all? 

I enjoy being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I also enjoy having friends, doing things with them, even doing things for them if need be. I'm not a total recluse (yet). But daily compromise on all the little things that go with a full-time life partner? Pfffft. I can happily live without that! And, unless I meet someone so unexpectedly "perfect" for me, I cannot see changing my status.


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## ChargingCharlie

southbound said:


> SA, I’m glad I was able to show you a different side in a convincing way. I think we all tend to think that everyone is like us with a little variation. It seems like the standard belief is that if one is single and alone, they must be a little sadder or their life must be less exciting than someone who is married or in a relationship, but that is just not the case. You have convinced me that there are some people who have great marriages and are as happy as can be with it. That’s not a totally weird concept to me anyway, but I have discovered a lot about relationships as I have aged.
> There are those whose marriages do not work and they get divorce, but those aren’t the only people who aren’t waking up in a pool of joy every day. I know so many people who are married that have this look of blah on their face, and I know many who give up things to be with someone, and I often wonder if that is truly what makes them happy. Am I really worse off than them simply because I'm single? I realize a lot of it is my personality. SA, I believe you and your husband like to spend a lot of time together, and that works for you two; nothing wrong with that. For me, I don’t want to be given attention all the time, I love the alone time.
> 
> I work with a guy in his 40s who got married for the first time. He is giving up doing a youth summer camp after 17 years because of his wife’s schedule. He doesn’t complain, but I know it’s a biggie for him. I spoke with another guy recently in his 40s who just got married for the second time. He said his wife didn’t like his retirement plans, so he had to redo some things.
> 
> I don’t have to deal with all that. I can do what I want when I want. Like Ynot, I can eat, nap, play, work, and whatever I want on my terms, and that has a feeling of freedom about it that is almost indescribable.


Your friends sound like me - I got married in my mid 30's, and before that I only had one real relationship that lasted six months. Actually went almost five years without a date in my late 20's-early 30's. Was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and no drama. Now the only alone time that I really have it when I go to bed (although I do love doing things with the kids), and things that my wife does that most might deem trivial drive me nuts. Unlike SA, I don't like spending time with my wife, and I hate that I feel that way. When you're single for so long, you can get entrenched in your way, and it's hard to get from doing whatever you want/whenever you want to having to consider someone else. I think that's the toughest thing that I've had to deal with.


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## staarz21

I know I'm not divorced, but if my H and I end up in divorce...I will remain single for the rest of my days, and I will LOVE it.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> SA, I’m glad I was able to show you a different side in a convincing way. I think we all tend to think that everyone is like us with a little variation.


 I've always found you very honest in your posts.. warts & all, so there was no reason to think you were over inflating anything or under speaking it.. 



> It seems like the standard belief is that if one is single and alone, they must be a little sadder or their life must be less exciting than someone who is married or in a relationship, but that is just not the case.


 Yes.. I am so guilty!! ...even as a 5th grader...I remember feeling this way...had a Great Aunt, we moved down the road from her, she never had a boyfriend... she had a full time Job though, so she was busy enough, she was very close with my Grandma (her sister) & a couple nieces.. that seemed to fulfill her...I don't remember her being sad.. but I do remember thinking.. if I was her.. I would be ! 

She would throw large Italian parties Christmas Eve for 2 sides of the family.. smelts, and all these things, going all out... that was "her thing". 

And I bet she looked at my Grandma & wondered why she wanted to put up with all my Grandpa's crap.. this being the more difficult Grandfather I had.. they surely had their issues over the years.. but Grandma loved him.. 

The fact that YOU are happier than you've ever been.. I can't help but feel your EX did you a favor by leaving..I understand all this can be rough on the kids.. I was a casualty of divorce myself..but I am honestly very happy my father found happiness with my step Mom even though, back then I hated the woman. Today we get along great & I thank God for her, they were meant to be, so I feel. 

Also listening to the experiences of children whose parents stayed together.. they didn't feel it was worth it...feeling the walls up every day / the tension in the air, it can sour them to the idea of marriage .. 



> Am I really worse off than them simply because I'm single? I realize a lot of it is my personality. SA, I believe you and your husband like to spend a lot of time together, and that works for you two; nothing wrong with that. For me*, I don’t want to be given attention all the time, I love the alone time.*


 but what if it's looked upon as "GIVING"...not so much in the negative- as in "needy"...the connotation of ..."I don't need to be given attention all the time".. but as more as a longing to give & share with another.. this being a part of us too, in what makes us happy in Doing.. not just "expecting"... 

I think in comparing these differences in personality, what brings us happiness...on the higher & lower end.. I see those romantically inclined as GIVERS where those who don't need it see US as "Needy", attention seeking...

No one wants to be looked upon as "needy".....but then neither would you want to be looked upon as sad & lonely with someone like me trying to fix you up & asking about your love life..you'd want to smack me !

Not sure how to shake these notions other than realizing ..yes.. not everyone who is single is lonely.. but not everyone who is romantic is needy in a negative way.. at least not with their spouse if they are happy, anyway.. but that's why compatibility is so darn important too. 



> I work with a guy in his 40s who got married for the first time. He is giving up doing a youth summer camp after 17 years because of his wife’s schedule. He doesn’t complain, but I know it’s a biggie for him. I spoke with another guy recently in his 40s who just got married for the second time. He said his wife didn’t like his retirement plans, so he had to redo some things.


 One has to feel the gains of love, companionship, bonding, intimacy, affection.. all of it.. outweigh the losses or it's not worth it..if the changes would cause any amount of resentment.. one probably shouldn't marry.. ]

I wonder if you felt this in the beginning - that she cramped your lifestyle in any way? 

I can't say I've ever felt I gave anything up.. he wouldn't even say that.. I really mean that!...we're both homebodies though, others may find that boring....I went to a Coin show this am with him.. he takes a day off work once a year for this.. it's not my thing.. but I want to be there with him.. he appreciates that.. If I wanted to drag him to a rock concert he'd go with me..outside of these 2 activities... we're both "all in"...just enjoy being together. 



> I don’t have to deal with all that. I can do what I want when I want. Like Ynot, I can eat, nap, play, work, and whatever I want on my terms, and that has a feeling of freedom about it that is almost indescribable.


 When I read this.. I interpret it like this: 

You probably didn't like her cooking (since you don't miss it) or she was strict ..expected you at the dinner table at 5 pm sharp, for example, or you'd be in the dog house ... She kept you from sleeping, or frowned on an occasional nap during the day...??

"Play".. you & her didn't enjoy similar things.. her "play" was burdensome to you (the board games).. and your play - she wasn't much interested in either (sex)... a great disconnect...


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> No one wants to be looked upon as "needy".....but then neither would you want to be looked upon as sad & lonely with someone like me trying to fix you up & asking about your love life.


No, I don't look at it as needy, especially in your case, because that is what you both enjoy. I'm just saying it's not always for me, and if i had a wife that enjoyed everything being done together all the time, I'd probably feel a little smothered after a while. Depending on their personality, it could be really bad. I had a guy tell me once that even when his wife did give him space and he might relax in his recliner, for example, he still felt like her eyes were upon him just waiting for his alone time to be over. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> One has to feel the gains of love, companionship, bonding, intimacy, affection.. all of it.. outweigh the losses or it's not worth it..if the changes would cause any amount of resentment.. one probably shouldn't marry.. ]


True, and as I said, I can't think of a single thing I'd like to change or give up right now, nor do I feel a void that needs to be filled. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> I wonder if you felt this in the beginning - that she cramped your lifestyle in any way?


No, I didn't. I never felt cramped with her, at least not how it appears that a lot of men feel cramped, but now I realize that may have been a bad thing in a sense. the fact that i didn't feel cramped may have meant I wasn't giving her everything she needed. Who knows.



SimplyAmorous said:


> When I read this.. I interpret it like this:
> 
> You probably didn't like her cooking (since you don't miss it) or she was strict ..expected you at the dinner table at 5 pm sharp, for example, or you'd be in the dog house ... She kept you from sleeping, or frowned on an occasional nap during the day...??


Nope. Again, I never felt cramped with her. She wasn't strict. This probably sounds different, but most of my negative feelings about relationships comes from talking with other people about their marriage, both men and women, and observing how the wives act in public combined with the discovery that I really enjoy doing my own thing. 

I see wives and think that I can barely manage hearing about the lifestyle of which they speak, and I'm not even married to them; there is no way I would be happy actually living it. I don't mean that makes them bad people, but they just don't have a lifestyle that I would care to join. As someone else mentioned, I'm not even interested in a "good" relationship. My past marriage is in the past and I have to look to the present and future; I don't see a thing I want in the relationship department that would make me happier than being single.


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## SimplyAmorous

southbound said:


> No, I don't look at it as needy, especially in your case, because that is what you both enjoy.


 I think if anyone was with someone who felt they were "needy".. I would tell them to break up...they are not a good match... 

I see this some with our 3rd son.. he gets frustrated sometimes feeling his GF wants too much attention.. she gets a bad attitude if he is hanging too much with the guys when she is around.. And I really LOVE this girl.. even her friends try to get her to calm it a bit as it can turn him away.... then I hear how he feels.. I am honestly torn [email protected]# I can see how much they "get" each other too... but this could be a potential issue -if they marry.. he will get tired of that.. or she won't feel fulfilled. 

I'm not as bad as I may make myself sound...for instance.. we never text ... if he goes away for a week.. we only talk on the phone approx 5 minutes in the am .. then do some face book pming later that night just to catch up...and we're good.. obviously I spend a great deal of time on the net .. so he has plenty of free time after work, his own computer time, he enjoys it too... in our past.. we spent an awful lot of our "together time" working on house projects ... not exactly fun.. but if we needed to get something done.. we were on it. Saving money was important to both of us.. 

But if we go out.. we prefer to be together and if a movie is on.. we're watching it together !



> I'm just saying it's not always for me, and if i had a wife that enjoyed everything being done together all the time, I'd probably feel a little smothered after a while. Depending on their personality, it could be really bad. * I had a guy tell me once that even when his wife did give him space and he might relax in his recliner, for example, he still felt like her eyes were upon him just waiting for his alone time to be over. *


 Yes... it could be bad.. maybe she has a "honey to do list" in her hands too !! 



> No, I didn't. I never felt cramped with her, at least not how it appears that a lot of men feel cramped, but now I realize that may have been a bad thing in a sense. the fact that i didn't feel cramped may have meant I wasn't giving her everything she needed. Who knows.


...or you just grew apart.. for whatever reason..



> Nope. Again, I never felt cramped with her. She wasn't strict. This probably sounds different, but most of my negative feelings about relationships comes from talking with other people about their marriage, both men and women, and observing how the wives act in public combined with the discovery that I really enjoy doing my own thing.


 Ok.. listening to others stories then.... That's good it wasn't how you felt about her then anyway...

See I had it all wrong even..



> I see wives and think that I can barely manage hearing about the lifestyle of which they speak, and I'm not even married to them; there is no way I would be happy actually living it. I don't mean that makes them bad people, but they just don't have a lifestyle that I would care to join. As someone else mentioned, I'm not even interested in a "good" relationship. My past marriage is in the past and I have to look to the present and future; I don't see a thing I want in the relationship department that would make me happier than being single.


 Yes.. I know the hurried "fast lane" lifestyle.. always needing a vacation.. I've followed so many of your posts ! 

Personally I am BIG on Happiness.. we should strive for our own brand of happiness.. whatever that may look like.. I was looking up some "single & loving it quotes" and came across this one.. thought it was funny...


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## Wolf1974

While I have not sworn off dating, just love women to much, I admit I love being single. This is probably one of the greater shocks of my life. I loved being married and committed don't get me wrong and I dreaded going back to the single scene at first. But man having complete control over my life and money is awesome. Dating and having fun is awesome. Truely enjoying every minute of it. Sometimes you don't know a good thing till it's thrust upon you.


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## Bananapeel

I enjoyed being married but I am enjoying being single too. Each had their own set of positives and negatives. The positives in single life for me are I get to what I want and when I want to do it. I get to parent exactly the way I want and I think I'm doing a better job out of necessity because I don't have a partner to lean on and pick up the slack if I'm having a bad day. I really love having complete financial control and have more money now than ever before. I also sleep better since I no longer have a wife waking up in the middle of the night to go pee. The major disadvantage was the breakup of the family unit, the loss of the traditional family dynamic which I really valued, and not seeing my kids everyday. I was happy either way, but I'm generally a happy person so that isn't a surprise.


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## jorgegene

i was single for about 25 years. and when i say single, i mean single, no dating anybody. too much trouble, not worth it. too much drama.
my friends thought i was eccentric. i didn't pay that much mind, i was happier than a lot of them.

more people i think should try it and they might be surprised how happy they can be. society, culture put too much pressure on us to 'have someone'.

well, i'm not in that club anymore. 
suddenly, in my old age for the first time in my life, and after rediscovering women i realized what it is to be lonely.
i'm married now and happy, but a different kind of happy.

like bananapeel says, you trade one kind of happiness for another.


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## bandit.45

If I had my druthers, I would live the rest of my life single. But it would be great if I could find a really good, solid female friend who shares some interests with me but who also wants to stay single, and who would not mind the occasional romp in the bedroom with me when we both are feeling frisky. I hate the term FWB, but if I had my wish such an "arrangement" would be ideal. Problem is, most women I have tried to have this kind of arrangement with eventually want to be either all-in or nothing at all. Women seem to have a harder time not attaching when sex is involved.


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## Ynot

bandit.45 said:


> If I had my druthers, I would live the rest of my life single. But it would be great if I could find a really good, solid female friend who shares some interests with me but who also wants to stay single, and who would not mind the occasional romp in the bedroom with me when we both are feeling frisky. I hate the term FWB, but if I had my wish such an "arrangement" would be ideal. Problem is, most women I have tried to have this kind of arrangement with eventually want to be either all-in or nothing at all. Women seem to have a harder time not attaching when sex is involved.


When I was going through the worst part of my divorce, I had a friend who became my go to guy whenever I was feeling exceptionally freaked out about my life. He constantly referred to is own experiences including his current situation which is just as you described. They both have their own places, if they get sick of each other, they just go back to their place to cool off for a while. But in the meantime they enjoy each others company, occasionally travel together, have each other back when needed, go out to eat, and enjoy the occasional romp in the hay. The more I think about stuff moving forward, the more I think I wouldn't mind the same thing myself. I have been dating a woman who told me early on that the best I could expect was a part time girl friend. So far it has been working out that way and I am coming to enjoy it. Unfortunately I sometimes feel as though she may be looking for more. I am not willing to give any more at this point partly because of where I am and also partly because of where she is.


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## bandit.45

Ynot said:


> When I was going through the worst part of my divorce, I had a friend who became my go to guy whenever I was feeling exceptionally freaked out about my life. He constantly referred to is own experiences including his current situation which is just as you described. They both have their own places, if they get sick of each other, they just go back to their place to cool off for a while. But in the meantime they enjoy each others company, occasionally travel together, have each other back when needed, go out to eat, and enjoy the occasional romp in the hay. The more I think about stuff moving forward, the more I think I wouldn't mind the same thing myself. I have been dating a woman who told me early on that the best I could expect was a part time girl friend. So far it has been working out that way and I am coming to enjoy it. Unfortunately I sometimes feel as though she may be looking for more. I am not willing to give any more at this point partly because of where I am and also partly because of where she is.


Yeah, and a full-time GF is not what I need or want. My feeling is that most women would not go for that kind of arrangement, unless they feel exceptionally comfortable with you, lust for your body, and are not expecting anything more than a platonic relationship. 

And in turn, you have to be willing to accept that she is free to sleep with other guys, since by default you are not exclusive with her.


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## Ynot

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah, and a full-time GF is not what I need or want. My feeling is that most women would not go for that kind of arrangement, unless they feel exceptionally comfortable with you, lust for your body, and are not expecting anything more than a platonic relationship.
> 
> *And in turn, you have to be willing to accept that she is free to sleep with other guys, since by default you are not exclusive with her.*


And vice versa!


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## bandit.45

Ynot said:


> And vice versa!


Easier said than done. 

Maybe if she was a California chick....


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## Hoosier

I guess I am finding it interesting to date (married 30 years, divorced now 4) and find exactly the same situations as bandit and Y. I recently met a woman for coffee, nice woman, 10 years older than me, reasonably attractive (I like her type of build). Anyway she was appalled that a guy she went out with (she liked him initially) had tried to "really" kiss her goodnight, not a peck on the cheek. She was under the plan of dating like she was 16, maybe letting the guy get to 2nd base after a dozen or so dates, then slowly moving on from there. I don't get it, maybe I'm a pig. But at my age (56) why would a woman not want to do something that feels good? Not like they are saving it for the guy they are going to marry. I get the whole attachment thing that can happen, but I have had some great times and great sex with a person I wasn't "In Love" with. Seems like people missing out. 
(beginning to duck thrown objects)


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## Hoosier

I love being single!


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## Ynot

Hoosier said:


> I guess I am finding it interesting to date (married 30 years, divorced now 4) and find exactly the same situations as bandit and Y. I recently met a woman for coffee, nice woman, 10 years older than me, reasonably attractive (I like her type of build). Anyway she was appalled that a guy she went out with (she liked him initially) had tried to "really" kiss her goodnight, not a peck on the cheek. She was under the plan of dating like she was 16, maybe letting the guy get to 2nd base after a dozen or so dates, then slowly moving on from there. I don't get it, maybe I'm a pig. But at my age (56) why would a woman not want to do something that feels good? Not like they are saving it for the guy they are going to marry. I get the whole attachment thing that can happen, but I have had some great times and great sex with a person I wasn't "In Love" with. Seems like people missing out.
> (beginning to duck thrown objects)


I've met similar women. I don't understand it. I can understand wanting to get to know someone - two three dates - but saving themselves for marriage! Really? For God's sake, how many more days do we have left on earth? Why not make the most of them and enjoy some of the time doing something that feels good?
If anything this is the time of our lives when we should be going for it and having fun. The reality is that by this point in our lives we (men) are beyond thinking with the little head, so the element of desire is just that and not an itch that needs to be scratched like when we were 18 y/o. I would think many women would feel the same way. I know the two I have been with post divorce certainly are.


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## ChargingCharlie

bandit.45 said:


> If I had my druthers, I would live the rest of my life single. But it would be great if I could find a really good, solid female friend who shares some interests with me but who also wants to stay single, and who would not mind the occasional romp in the bedroom with me when we both are feeling frisky. I hate the term FWB, but if I had my wish such an "arrangement" would be ideal. Problem is, most women I have tried to have this kind of arrangement with eventually want to be either all-in or nothing at all. Women seem to have a harder time not attaching when sex is involved.


That's a great idea - my wife has a friend (sadly, she's married) who would be a good fit for this. She's smart, not bad looking, has some of the same interests as me, and is very HD. She'd be one woman that if we were both single I'd try to hook up with. Like you, don't need constant sex but the occasional "play date" would be very nice.


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## bandit.45

Hoosier said:


> I guess I am finding it interesting to date (married 30 years, divorced now 4) and find exactly the same situations as bandit and Y. I recently met a woman for coffee, nice woman, 10 years older than me, reasonably attractive (I like her type of build). Anyway she was appalled that a guy she went out with (she liked him initially) had tried to "really" kiss her goodnight, not a peck on the cheek. She was under the plan of dating like she was 16, maybe letting the guy get to 2nd base after a dozen or so dates, then slowly moving on from there. I don't get it, maybe I'm a pig. But at my age (56) why would a woman not want to do something that feels good? Not like they are saving it for the guy they are going to marry. I get the whole attachment thing that can happen, but I have had some great times and great sex with a person I wasn't "In Love" with. Seems like people missing out.
> (beginning to duck thrown objects)



Some people, men and women, are just old fashioned. She has her principals and won't budge on them. That's a great thing as far as I'm concerned. 

Look elsewhere friend. You'll find a more sexually modernized woman, but with that comes the expectation that you will not be her only FWB.


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## 3Xnocharm

I want to be in love and have a one and only, but I REALLY like living on my own! I have no desire at this point to cohabit with anyone. Maybe if I actually HAD a one and only I'd feel differently, but for now, I really enjoy being able to do things on my own and in my own way.


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## Openminded

I was married 45.5 years to the day on that late spring morning that I went before the judge and heard the words "You are now divorced". I never expected to hear those words when as a very young bride I said "I do". But then again I imagine few people getting married think they'll ever get divorced. 

I had fully expected my marriage to continue to its natural end. I had never lived alone and had no real desire to. But suddenly I was there. And I discovered, to my surprise, that I love living alone and not having to consider anyone else's wishes but mine. I am -- three years later -- still giddy with all that freedom. 

This wasn't the path I would have chosen all those decades ago when I got married but it's how my life has played out and I have no regrets.


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## Cooper

Yesterday as I was leaving home for work I realized I needed to wash all my workout clothes. So as a reminder to myself I pulled a dirty pair of boxers out of the hamper and tossed them in the middle of the kitchen floor so when I got home from work that would be the first thing I saw and it would remind me to do the laundry. 

You can only get away with things like that when you live alone!


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## Wolf1974

bandit.45 said:


> If I had my druthers, I would live the rest of my life single. But it would be great if I could find a really good, solid female friend who shares some interests with me but who also wants to stay single, and who would not mind the occasional romp in the bedroom with me when we both are feeling frisky. I hate the term FWB, but if I had my wish such an "arrangement" would be ideal. Problem is, most women I have tried to have this kind of arrangement with eventually want to be either all-in or nothing at all. Women seem to have a harder time not attaching when sex is involved.


You may be a bit suprised. I have had girlfriends who have pressured for marriage sure. But my current has never brought it up. She is content with what we are doing now. Living together but doing our own thing. I think as long as you are able to commit to a level of exclusive then you can easily find a woman who is willing to bypass marriage for a great relationship. I do agree with you that a straight FWB realtionship would be hard to maintain long term.


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## Red Sonja

bandit.45 said:


> Easier said than done.
> 
> Maybe if she was a California chick....


Funny you should say that ... what you (and some others) have described is exactly what I want.

A man with some level of compatibility, maybe some shared interests and of course lust/sex ... nothing beyond that because I am happy living on my own.


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## Satya

I know that I could have very happily remained single for life after my divorce. 

I did want to give myself a fair chance at finding a mate after I'd healed completely. If I'd been older I may not have had the same priorities. I'm glad with the choice I made, but it could have easily gone either way for me.


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## joannacroc

Was thinking a lot about this recently. Had a free weekend coming up as my little one was spending it with his father. Current BF asked me to a movie on Sunday, then I asked if he wanted to do something on Saturday too, but he said he needed some alone time. At first I have to admit I was really hurt. Then I realized, he was working 2 part-time jobs, while studying, and had 9am-midnight days some days. Of COURSE he needed a little time alone. 

Maybe that's something I was missing. I had slipped into a new relationship and had dropped focus on developing new friendships. As time has worn on, I'm taking more time to do social events I enjoy alone again, like book clubs, which I had taken a hiatus from, and I'm much happier for it. It's nice occasionally to have a night in by myself with a movie, some popcorn and my cats. But I need to use some of my rare, kid-free nights to socialize with other human beings hehe.


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## bandit.45

Red Sonja said:


> Funny you should say that ... what you (and some others) have described is exactly what I want.
> 
> A man with some level of compatibility, maybe some shared interests and of course lust/sex ... nothing beyond that because I am happy living on my own.


I wasn't being facetious. I have worked with Cali women and they are a lot more "flexible" when it comes to expectations in a relationships. Most of them I knew had really solid careers and were happy not bogging their lives down with marriage and husbands.


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## memorylanee12ln

southbound, thank you so much for starting this thread. I am living single and liking it. I thought I was weird. After i've read everybody's posts, i was enlightened that i am normal in choosing to live alone. 
Thank you so much! Thank you all for your unselfish posts. Reading your posts made me feel a lot stronger. Thank you.


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## NoMoreTears4me

Newly divorced here but thought I would add my 2 cents.

My biggest fear is dying alone. I don't want to spend the end of my life without someone to share it with.

However I am enjoying being single. I have a girlfriend now and we do a lot together but for the most part I do what I want. Having 2 kids every other week still keeps me busy but even that time I plan things with my kids that I want to do.

Would I ever get married again? I don't know. I really don't know. I enjoy sharing my life with someone and I do not want to be alone. But not sure I want the commitment. I mean I failed the first time what makes me think I will succeed on the second.

Ask me again in a few years.


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## Ynot

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Newly divorced here but thought I would add my 2 cents.
> 
> My biggest fear is dying alone. I don't want to spend the end of my life without someone to share it with.
> 
> However I am enjoying being single. I have a girlfriend now and we do a lot together but for the most part I do what I want. Having 2 kids every other week still keeps me busy but even that time I plan things with my kids that I want to do.
> 
> Would I ever get married again? I don't know. I really don't know. I enjoy sharing my life with someone and I do not want to be alone. But not sure I want the commitment. * I mean I failed the first time what makes me think I will succeed on the second.*
> 
> Ask me again in a few years.


You didn't fail. The relationship failed. Always remember that.


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## Red Sonja

bandit.45 said:


> I wasn't being facetious.


I know, I was being facetious ... look where I'm from. :smile2:


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## musiclover

I LOVE it!!!! I come and go as I please, I don't need to check in with anyone, I can eat a candy bar for dinner if I desire, I can go out without feeling guilty, etc. I no longer have that invisible leash on me, and it's a great feeling. 

I honestly haven't been this happy in years. No joke, I walk around all day grinning from ear to ear 😀.


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