# EA will it ever stop???



## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

My SO has been involved in an emotional affair sence january of this year. We have gone through many things sence the end of June when I found out about it. She doesn't want to be with him but she played so many mind games with him that he thought she did then fell in love with her. He has been saying sence June "It's over, she doesn't want me. I just need to get over my feelings for her and you and I can work out where we stand". 

Everytime I turn around he has a "reason" to communicate with her (he works with her also). She was rude to me, I was rude to her, I don't want to be the a**hole. This will be the last phone call ever. And on and on and on!!! Well my life with him has been on hold for months due to this. I have tryed to be patient and let him do this his way and it's just getting to be to much for me to listen to him. 


Well 2 weeks ago "we" decided it was best to have a trial separation. He was gonna rent a room from a friend well this friend all of a sudden rented the room out to someone else! WTF??? So now he "has nowhere to go".

Last Saturday I went to see and old friend (female) and somethings happened that upset me. I was coming home and he told me he would be at one of the neighbors houses (I assumed that ment come over when I get there). So I stood around walked around I sent text msg's, called him and came home, for about 1 1/2 hours I looked for him until someone said "he's walking around talking on the phone" 

So I continue my search and eventually find him standing under the neighbors deck in the dark talking on the phone. I asked who he was talking to and he of course said her name. I went a little nuts. I yelled for him to get off the phone and he didn't, I called her a bunch of not nice names (she has known about me and our kids this whole time) I yelled and the whole time he stayed on the phone with her. We had a very long nasty fight because I feel like he chose her over me again by not answering my texts or my calls.

In his defence he did not know that I was upset and needed to talk to him but he avoided me... He says that his phone is set to not interrupt when he is using it (why when we have kids that could need him). He was standing in the dark and his phone light was blinking red. He keeps saying that he didn't intentionally avoid me. Does anyone think that is possible? I mean I drove back from my friends and that took about 40 mins plus he was "missing" for 1 1/2 hours. He would have know that I'd be back by then. He said they weren't talking about anything that had to do with Them it was just BSing. 

I feel like this has gone on so long that I can't see the obvious things that are in front of me. We have been together for about 20 years and we have 2 young kids I don't want to disrupt that but I am finding it so hard to have a reason to fight for him. He seems to leave me hanging and go to her every chance he gets yet he won't leave our home.

Help! Thanks


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> My SO has been involved in an emotional affair sence january of this year. We have gone through many things sence the end of June when I found out about it. She doesn't want to be with him but she played so many mind games with him that he thought she did then fell in love with her. He has been saying sence June "It's over, she doesn't want me. I just need to get over my feelings for her and you and I can work out where we stand".
> 
> Everytime I turn around he has a "reason" to communicate with her (he works with her also). She was rude to me, I was rude to her, I don't want to be the a**hole. This will be the last phone call ever. And on and on and on!!! Well my life with him has been on hold for months due to this. I have tryed to be patient and let him do this his way and it's just getting to be to much for me to listen to him.
> 
> ...


If you were to believe the "no interrupt thing" etc....that is still no reason why he didnt get off the phone with her once you were in his face. I would put my foot down and tell him either all communication stops with her or he needs to leave. 
Its not fair to you or your family for him to not make a decision.


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

I did tell him it was over and he needed to leave but he just doesn't go. Hearing me say those words gives me the chills. I really don't want him to go, but he doesn't stay away from her. 

I keep hearing the "he has to miss you" to want you back. But how can I do this???


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

you need to find your strength from down deep! dig honey! you have to demand that he cut all contact if he wants to stay! if he won't quit her, tell him again that he needs to leave. if he won't leave, do you have somewhere you & the kids can go? i know it sounds drastic, but what would you tell a friend in this situation? if you don't stand up for yourself now, how will you feel if things do work out someday? it may hurt & you may not actually want to do it but you have to ask yourself if you can continue to live the way things are right now. he is married to you & he owes you respect & honesty. he is not respecting you or being honest. therefore, you have to give him a reason to respect you! life may not be fair, but he owes it to you to respect not only you but the sanctity of your marriage. stay strong & keep posting! it really helps to give you strength! good luck!


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## daycaremom (Sep 8, 2008)

Thank you bluebutterfly!

The thing is that I currently own my own daycare that is run from our home. So you see I can't just pick up and go. There are a lot of families that rely on me to be here. 

When I say you have to go then he says "OK" but then he will say things like "there goes 20 years down the drain" or I want to be happy, I want a wife and a family and *the* house I worked so hard on. What??? Am I suppose to read between the lines? I'm getting mixed messages. The girl is 13 years younger then us and he had a vasectomy. So he isn't gonna have a family with anyone else. 

How do I get him to actually leave? he agreed to it and is now dragging his feet. I don't want him unless I can have all of him.
That is actually a good sentence, I should tell him that. 

He just called and said he has a lot of work to do (again) and that if I want to fight or talk about things tonight that he is gonna stay at work cause he doesn't need any distractions. I wanted to talk last night but he went to the bar instead.

We don't seem to have a chance in the world.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

daycaremom said:


> I keep hearing the "he has to miss you" to want you back. But how can I do this???


I do think there is some truth to this whether it's missing you or truly seeing what he will be giving up if he really decides to leave. I think the best thing you can do is firmly state your ground and then back off. 

I do believe his continued contact with this woman is total crap & honestly don't understand for someone that has rejected him what is attractive about chasing her around. When you start yelling, though, it will only push him further away and validate for her that there are problems (she won't clue in that the main problem is her & neither will he) 

I do believe you have every right to yell and be livid with his behavior but I don't think it will help to open his eyes and come back to the marriage.


daycaremom said:


> I don't want him unless I can have all of him.
> That is actually a good sentence, I should tell him that.


This is a great line and you should tell him that. If he refuses to leave, live as though he is gone...don't do his laundry, cook his meals, etc. & if and when he's ready to act married again and work through the issues which needs to begin with him ending his affair he can see where you stand at that time. 

Vent here or wherever you need to when he blatantly disregards your feelings but don't respond directly to him either way...give him the space and distance to decide for himself to either fully come back to the marriage or leave.


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