# Saying I love you



## Romance1234 (Jul 24, 2016)

I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best. 

Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. I know she loves me


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Romance1234 said:


> I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best.
> 
> Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. I know she loves me


I'm a bit like that too, I guess it is a matter of love languages. I have been hurt enough by my H to know that words mean little, for me it's all about behaviour.
He has a tendency to 'talk big' so I take some of what he says with a pinch of salt. Recently he has started saying it at the end of telephone conversations, I am sceptical so don't say it back or just say 'you too.' At this stage in our married life, I don't say words needlessly.
I guess you should find out what her love language is


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Saying 'I love you' is just one of the many things we need to do to reinforce the marital relationship. The real test is can we say it even when we're not in the mood or feeling it?

one day we may wake up finding our marriage has gone stale. I doubt it would've gotten that way had we constantly reminded ourselves and our spouses why we are married.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yep. Me. Exactly the same. I have made a commitment -to myself- to tell my wife I love her at least once a day.

She rarely says she loves me, but well, she does sometimes.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

She's not feeling it. I did the same with my second wife. She didn't say it unless I said it first. Rarely did she say it without a prompt from me. She really doesn't love you.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Romance1234 said:


> I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best.
> 
> Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. I know she loves me


It's all context...for example. 

I have NEVER...not one time in my entire life been told by either my father or my mother (totally long story there) that they loved me. Not once. Never a good job, way to go, i'm proud, nothing. That's what I learned. 

My wife, on the other hand comes from a family that says I love you, I'm proud, Way to go, I miss You, etc...CONSTANTLY. It was strange. It took time...but now I do the same. With her, with my sons, with my extended family....and even with my dad (though he never responds and it makes him visibly uncomfortable...which is fun). 

You say, you know she loves you. Then you know. If you want to say it...than say it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm so glad that I came from a family where the verbal and physical expressions of love was never a problem!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

See what I mean, MarriedDude? You love them, and changed because it felt good to hear it from them. Either she has a real emotional issue from childhood or some other traumatic event, or she just doesn't love him.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> See what I mean, MarriedDude? You love them, and changed because it felt good to hear it from them. Either she has a real emotional issue from childhood or some other traumatic event, or she just doesn't love him.


It took about 10 years. She really worked at....I don't think OP has been at it that long


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> It took about 10 years. She really worked at....I don't think OP has been at it that long


It took you ten years to figure out that saying, "I love you", is a nice thing to do? 

sheesh...sorry


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> It took you ten years to figure out that saying, "I love you", is a nice thing to do?
> 
> sheesh...sorry


Slow learner I guess. I did spend the vast majority of that time oppressing foreign peoples for money...so, yeah, nice wasn't really my thing


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Romance1234 said:


> I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best.
> 
> Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. * I know she loves me*


If you KNOW she loves you then I don't see a big problem here. Beyond the obvious that it is nice to hear now and then.

Have you asked her why she never initiates "I love you's"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jorgegene said:


> Saying 'I love you' is just one of the many things we need to do to reinforce the marital relationship. *The real test is can we say it even when we're not in the mood or feeling it?
> *
> one day we may wake up finding our marriage has gone stale. I doubt it would've gotten that way had we constantly reminded ourselves and our spouses why we are married.


The 1st time I seen this ... I laughed.. this IS my husband...








he will even tell me he loves me in the midst of a fight.. it's never just words to him... never really thought about it -till reading this thread...

I came from a family that really didn't say these things.. I would be petrified to say this to my father.. I can't see him saying it to me either... (we've never been real close).. but when I got together with my husband in my teens.. I don't know.. he was very forthright in expressing his feelings to me.. I DID give back though.. always... so this sure helped !!

I don't think I would be satisfied with a partner that wasn't "free flowing" here.. I would question how they really felt.. I realize people have different "primary" Love languages.. like "Acts of service" , "gifts", "spending time", etc..

With a username like @Romance1234 ...you must be a real Romantic...sometimes opposites attract.. is she not this type ? Question for you... HOW does she show she cares about you...does she love spending time with you.. does she do little things for you (acts of service)...does she love to cuddle, hold your hand, be close/ sex ?? (Physical touch)?? If all of these are in short supply... or you aren't feeling it... I'd be concerned... but it's possible she is off put by saying it for some deep seated reason in childhood/ or ex BF's... or words of affirmation is just at the very bottom of her love language list... but still... I can understand why this would bother anyone...

I'd want to know the basis of WHY she wont' go there... Did she in the past ? DId something change in your relationship?


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

I suggest you stop saying it. She's not into it, it's just a word, and you come across as needy if you're the one always saying it, especially since you're the guy. 

We're supposed to be strong and independent not all emo.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Whirlpool said:


> I suggest you stop saying it. She's not into it, it's just a word, and you come across as needy if you're the one always saying it, especially since you're the guy.
> 
> We're supposed to be strong and independent not all emo.


ELD.

_Emotional_ Low Drive.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I'm thinking of King Lear.  

There are cultures where verbal expression of love isn't common. Love is chiefly expressed through act and deed. I'm Western and if married I'd like to hear it now and then, and I would say it, but I would show it mostly through my actions. Words are important, but our actions are our truest words.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Whirlpool said:


> I suggest you stop saying it. She's not into it, it's just a word, and you come across as needy if you're the one always saying it, especially since you're the guy.
> 
> We're supposed to be strong and independent not all emo.


I could not disagree with this more! I am not generally a " hugger" or an iniator of the I love you, never have been. My husband was always very expressive in his shows of affection and hugs and I love you's. Along the way, I picked it up from him, we hug each other all the time and I love you's are free flowing from both of us. This has extended to our kids who are now grown. Lots of hugs and I love you's with our grown sons. It is awesome. I don't think it would have been this way without my husband from the beginning, expressing his affection so freely to us. I would hate it had I missed out on all that thru the years.
If you love someone show and tell them, what do you have to lose? A loving man is VERY attractive, much more so than some cold fish.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

NWCooper said:


> I could not disagree with this more! I am not generally a " hugger" or an iniator of the I love you, never have been. My husband was always very expressive in his shows of affection and hugs and I love you's. Along the way, I picked it up from him, we hug each other all the time and I love you's are free flowing from both of us. This has extended to our kids who are now grown. Lots of hugs and I love you's with our grown sons. It is awesome. I don't think it would have been this way without my husband from the beginning, expressing his affection so freely to us. I would hate it had I missed out on all that thru the years.
> If you love someone show and tell them, what do you have to lose? A loving man is VERY attractive, much more so than some cold fish.


I sooo agree with this @NWCooper. We are like you guys. When we first got married my H was just out of the marines. He was very loving but not very touchy and affectionate outside of sex. I was also very inside of myself and was not showing too much affection. Because this is how you were brought up. 

I read a book and it spoke of mirroring. I then started to pratice it, do something long enough and others will start doing it around you. I was trying to see if what the author said was truth. It worked.

We are huggers, kissers and loves yous are flowing constantly. We are constanly touching. Our kids are like this too. My DD would walk from the front of the house to the back and give you a kiss because she feels like it. When her dad is relaxing she sits with him and rubs his head or ears. Our son is going thru his teenage phase but he still rubs his head on my face or kisses my shoulders. Or calls me his girl. 

I love that we are able to express our feelings for each other. That our kids are learning that it's ok to express their feelings. We show our feeling when we are upset too. And that is ok too.

I cannot imagine how things would have been if we were in a cold marriage. I am a believer that you have to give and show affection in order to recieve it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> *I have NEVER...not one time in my entire life been told by either my father or my mother* . . . . *that they loved me*. Not once. Never a good job, way to go, i'm proud, nothing. That's what I learned.


I sure hope they communicated their love to you in some other way; ie. hugging, positive attention, being tucked in at night and read a bedtime story, mom fixing you your favorite snack, dad spending time building model airplanes with you---something??

Or, they provided for you to the best of their ability, so that you knew that you were cared for; especially doing something like helping you buy your first car, or assisting you with getting higher education.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Romance1234 said:


> I say it all the time. My gal will say it if I say it first but never is the first to say it. And if I say it in text she doesn't say it back. This has been true even when we are at our best.
> 
> Anyone have similar situation? Is it just her and no big deal. I know she loves me


I dealt with this as well. My husband rarely would say that he loved me first, but he would always say it back when I said it. This ate at me for a long time. I decided to stop saying it to see how long it would be before he would say it. I think I lasted about 6 months. Finally, I just told him that I wanted him to tell me that he loved me without me having to say it first. You know what? It worked. A little communication goes a long way.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I dealt with this as well. My husband rarely would say that he loved me first, but he would always say it back when I said it. This ate at me for a long time. I decided to stop saying it to see how long it would be before he would say it. I think I lasted about 6 months. Finally, I just told him that I wanted him to tell me that he loved me without me having to say it first. You know what? It worked. A little communication goes a long way.


It lasted six months? My God, you must be really good at playing poker. 

I did the same thing but it lasted three days. I could not take it anymore after that and before we went to sleep, I told him that he has not said, "I love you" in 3 days. He was surprised. Now he says it all the time.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> It lasted six months? My God, you must be really good at playing poker.


LOL 

I don't play poker but maybe I should start!


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

My wife and I both came from families where we very rarely heard those words, not to mention physical affection wasn't the norm for either of us in our families. I know for me this carried well into my adult life. I was very careful to ever say the words even when I felt them. This hampered my emotional growth quite a bit, in my opinion.

It comforts me to know that the last words I said to my Daddy before he died were, "I love you, Daddy." His last words to me were, "I love you, too, son." I don't remember us ever saying those words before then, even though they may have been said. We knew how we felt, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to say the words. Why?

It was only after my Daddy's death when I finally found the courage to say those words when I felt them about somebody, especially family members. After a while they became much easier to say.

Fast forward to a couple of LTRs where I said those words, and the reciprocated words were hollow, meaning I ended up with a broken heart. Needless to say, I learned a little about emotional maturity, and to use those words only AFTER I knew how my SO felt, whom, it turns out became my wife. I won't say the words without meaning them, so if I say them, I mean them.

After losing my Daddy, my Moma (two years later), and two of my brothers, I make it a point to tell my family members that are left that I love them. I also very freely use these words to my wife and two DDs, and they are reciprocated always. I am happy to say that my family is extremely close and affectionate, something my wife and I didn't grow up with. We leave NO doubt now.

It doesn't come from a point of "weakness", either. Being "weak" is not in my vocabulary. It comes from a point of courage, in my opinion. Anybody who knows me knows that there is nothing "weak" about me, and most admire my courage to say, "I love you", despite whomever may be listening. At least that's been my experience.

It reminds me of the Garth Brooks song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes". Why not have the courage to say those words to the ones you love? Will they ever truly know how you felt about them if you don't? Actions speak louder than words, but if the actions are backed up by the affirmation of the words, there wouldn't be any room for doubt.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Luvher4life said:


> My wife and I both came from families where we very rarely heard those words, not to mention physical affection wasn't the norm for either of us in our families. I know for me this carried well into my adult life. I was very careful to ever say the words even when I felt them. This hampered my emotional growth quite a bit, in my opinion.
> 
> It comforts me to know that the last words I said to my Daddy before he died were, "I love you, Daddy." His last words to me were, "I love you, too, son." I don't remember us ever saying those words before then, even though they may have been said. We knew how we felt, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to say the words. Why?
> 
> ...


Amen brother.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I sure hope they communicated their love to you in some other way; ie. hugging, positive attention, being tucked in at night and read a bedtime story, mom fixing you your favorite snack, dad spending time building model airplanes with you---something??
> 
> Or, they provided for you to the best of their ability, so that you knew that you were cared for; especially doing something like helping you buy your first car, or assisting you with getting higher education.


Don't really know my mother...She was not around. 

My Dad was/is not a hugger...nope. BUT...He taught me many different trades...insisting that I learn them all and be able to practice them in such a way that I could always support myself and a family-should I have one. I spent at least 2 months a year hunting/fishing/diving in various places around the world...A great time really. I never wanted for anything....Always had a nice home, money in my pocket, my first car was a brand new IROC Z at age 15 (I loved that car). I lacked supervision...pretty much all the time -which resulted in a whole lot of trouble -which he always got me out of...when i finally finished College...he gave me the house I grew up in...which I promptly sold. 

I never felt unloved, per se...just wasn't accustomed to hearing it or saying it. I had to learn -and it is a valuable lesson -that things are not love. Things will not replace words. A car, A house, a stack of cash....are not valid replacements for a simple "I am proud". 

I harbor no ill will to my dad, he did the best he could, hampered by his own demons and limitations.


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