# Advice with his Family



## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

So here's some background on my situation, I moved away from my family to vegas 3 years ago to be with my husband. His mom was a single mom growing up so he's very close with his sister and mom. Every time we to to his sisters house I feel like the odd one out. I figured it was because We needed time to get to know each other. I always go above and beyond to help her with baby sitting her kids And taking care of her animals for free see how I'm a Vet. On several occasions she invites us over for dinner (I don't eat meat because of health issues) every time she serves food that I can't eat. I'm not a picky person and I don't need her to feed me but this makes me feel unwelcome since she know about what I can't eat but yet she only serves food that I can't consume. So this leaves me sitting at a dinner table watching them eat and not being spoken to. I think it's nice they can laugh, joke and enjoy each others company telling stories about 15 years ago that I can't be involved in. This leaves me feeling very awkward and unwanted there. She has made zero effort to get to know me and doesn't show any interest in my life. I've never done anything for her to not like me. I always end up sitting in the other room watching tv or playing with the kids because I don't know how to react to this situation time after time. I'm finding it harder and harder to want to go over to her house. The last thing I would ever want is to create distance or problems between them. I've told my husband about how this makes me feel but he doesn't care. He's right along with her acting like I don't exist when we go over there. What do I do?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your husband reacting the way he did is a little alarming. Is he possibly a momma's boy? What I mean is some men do not detach emotionally from their boyhood state to effectively connect with their wives.
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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

He definitely is a mom as boy but the issue is with his sister. I feel like he should care if I'm feeling uncomfortable around her and he said before, "I have to deal with it" he's a nice man and never talks back or negatively to me so this response set me back


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem isn't her, it's your husband. Focus on that. Until he recognizes it as an issue, it will stay as it is. 

C


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TrishaC. said:


> He definitely is a mom as boy but the issue is with his sister. I feel like he should care if I'm feeling uncomfortable around her and he said before, "I have to deal with it" he's a nice man and never talks back or negatively to me so this response set me back


The issue is his "boy" emotional state. He is still a boy emotionally. He is still seeking comfort and validation from the women he grew up with. Men in these circumstances are usually helped to stay where they are by their mothers or in your case also his sister.

The biggest problem is your husband. The sister is not helping anything. She may well view you as an unwanted intrusion between her and her brother. He is more than likely seeing you in the same light.

He may need therapy to "grow" up emotionally. If you don't have kids then make sure you keep it that way. Unless you want an unhappy life being treated second best to his mom and sister, you may need to be willing to walk away if he won't get help and change.

I have seen this situation a lot and it never ends well if the man won't grow up. I have also seen that most Will not change.
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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also, stop being nice to that b1tch of a sister in law. You owe her nothing. Is she a single mom too? Where is her husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Also, stop being nice to that b1tch of a sister in law. You owe her nothing. Is she a single mom too? Where is her husband?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Wow you nailed it with "unwanted intrusion" that's exactly how It seems. Even at our wedding she did a speech and NON of it had anything to do with him and I, it was only about they're relationship. 

She's not a single mom, her husband works a lot. He's not home very often but when he is he's very nice to me. She's a stay at home mom


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TrishaC. said:


> Wow you nailed it with "unwanted intrusion" that's exactly how It seems. Even at our wedding she did a speech and NON of it had anything to do with him and I, it was only about they're relationship.
> 
> She's not a single mom, her husband works a lot. He's not home very often but when he is he's very nice to me. She's a stay at home mom


Yup. That confirms my thoughts. They have an unhealthy emotional attachment. The ball is going to be in your court. Your H has functioned this way his whole life and probably never had too much of an outside force to come in conflict with him.

How much are you willing to put up with?

Your H has not responded to you so the next step is to establish your own boundaries and be willing to enforce them. Do you have kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrishaC. (Aug 8, 2014)

We don't have kids. I'm not willing to put up with it anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like that. What boundaries should I set? Say I'm going over there anymore? I dread it so much every time I have to go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The boundaries are totally up to you. I would let him know that how he disregards your feelings about how you are treated is unacceptable. That you need more from him. At the very least, detach from the toxic sister. Anyone who does not love you two as a couple is an enemy of your marriage.

A true friend to either of you will love and support your marriage as well.

Prepare for some heat and blowback from your H when you arrange time for yourself when he goes to his sisters.

Only go if it suits you. Maybe if your brother in law is there you could have someone to visit with. Right now your H is letting you be used to serve his sister.

I would stop everything concerning her unless she changes, unlikely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TrishaC. said:


> We don't have kids. I'm not willing to put up with it anymore. I don't deserve to be treated like that. What boundaries should I set? Say I'm going over there anymore? I dread it so much every time I have to go.


If you don't want to go anymore than don't. your husband will go without you as he does not seem to be supportive of you. So find something else to do and enjoy yourself. 


If you continue to go over there... 

You will need to stand up for yourself.

I'd bring one or two dishes of food that you can eat and just put them on the table with the other food. 

Make at least one of the dishes something that everyone will LOVE.

My exMIL acted a lot like your SIL with a mean mouth on her towards me. 

I'd bring something to dinner and she'd say "Oh YUCK I hate that." So I'd just smile back as sweetly as I could at her and way "Oh good! That leaves more for the rest of use."

It took me years of feeling as you do before I woke up and started to do this. It helped me. And everyone else there loved the things I'd bring so


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I always go above and beyond to help her with baby sitting her kids And taking care of her animals for free see how I'm a Vet.


I'd be tempted to become really busy sitting on my couch when she wants me to baby sit or take care of her animals. I would feel like she was taking advantage of me while being rude to me at the same time and I wouldn't want to do it.

I'd also be really busy and wouldn't always go to her house for dinner. If your H wants to go there alone and doesn't care about how his sister treats you AND about how he treats you when he is there, then you are under no obligation to be there to be treated rudely by both of them.

That's probably not the right answer, but I am not good at "turning the other cheek" especially if my spouse were contributing to the problem.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

The short of it is he is putting his family of origin before your marriage. He is not creating the marital foundation with you. If he continues to fail to put you first, then the marriage will fail. You should NOT have to go visit their family and be ignored. It is hurtful to you and your H should care. If he refuses to value your marriage, then you don't really have a marriage at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you make your own dish when you go over there to eat? Make something up in the kitchen? 

Also, you should address with your husband and his mom how you feel/


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Trisha from what I have read of your previous posts on top of this one, your most serious issue is your husband. 
He really sounds like an immature 18 year old.
I'd be sitting down with him and telling him that in no uncertain terms you will be leaving him if he refuses to acknowledge your feelings any longer. You deserve some respect and he can show that by acting like a real man should- by supporting you, and confronting his mother and sister when they ignore you or cut you out of any conversations.
You are his wife and therefore you should be his number 1 priority. The fact that he acts like he doesn't give a crap about you should be enough to send you filing for D.
As a matter of fact I would have the papers drawn up and in front of you when you sit him down for a discussion. He needs to SEE how serious you are. And you say you don't have kids yet- PERFECT. You have no excuse to stay if you have had enough.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Since he says you have to deal with it,, next time he's going over there, deal with it by arranging a night out for yourself with a girlfriend.

See how he deals with you following his instruction.

It shouldn't be a problem. He'll be doing something he enjoys and so will you.

If he complains, he gives himself away,, cuz he doesn't so much expect you to deal with it as put up with it.

An ideal opportunity to see if he chokes on his own words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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