# Sex after Infidelity



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I wasn't sure if I should post this in the Infidelity forum or the sex forum, but I assume that a lot of those in the Sex forum haven't experienced the infidelity angle. 

My continual issue is thinking about the cheating while we are having sex at some point. It has never gone away, though it has lightened up. I do my best to tuck the thoughts and images away in the back of my head, but they don't completely stay there. I have made the conscious choice to stay in my marriage and to move past what my W did, but sex has continued to trigger the images and thoughts of what she did. She reacts to my touch or kisses, and I wonder if that is how she reacted to him. Her touching me, it's wondering if that is how she touched him. Will this ever go away? I tend to think it won't. It might hurt less, as it does hurt less now than it did 6-9 months ago, but I don't think I will ever forget about it or not think about it. It's almost like sex with her will forever remind me of what she did with the OM. 

Has anyone experienced the same and been able to push it out of their head, or have any advice as to ways I can try to not be triggered when we are intimate?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That still happens to me sometimes. It does get better with time, and we have lots of sex and it doesn't happen every time, so when it does I try to concentrate on memories of the times that it didn't, if that makes sense.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

7 monthe into R and this is a problem that I have as well - although we we do get intimate my H calls it making love and not having sex . When I asked him what he thought the difference is he said he s making love to me cos he loves me where he had sex with her because there was no emotional attachment , that said I have banned a few positions that I know he likes just because i m pretty sure he would have done them with her and I can t face that at the moment . I ve explained to him that I sometimes gets the images as you do and he let s me take the lead at my own pace - maybe if you explained to your wife how you feel that might help?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Took me five years or so to get the mind movies out of my head and have a normal sex life with my wife. But then she did it again four weeks ago.

I tried reconciliation and for eighteen years it worked, but not for the long haul. I no longer advocate R. I hope it works out better for you. 

At the expense of being a bit graphic, there is one thing that helped me get over the mind movies, and that occured one night about two months into our first reconcilliation. We were "making love" and she said something offhand that reminded me of the OM and sent me into a rage. I ended up getting really dominate and rough with her. I didn't rape her, but I threw her around the bed some, pinned her down, held her hands down, grabbed her firmly with my right hand around her throat (not enough to choke, just to restrain) and laid into her like she was a Tijuana wh0re. She let me, and later she told me it was the best sex we ever had: much beter than what she experienced with the OM. After that is was no-holds barred, and no position or sexual activity was off-limits. That's the way our sex life was until DD2 and I kicked her out a few weeks back. 

Only you know if you could pull this off with your wife, but engaging in a little physical competition with the OM's mental image might just work. It doesn't do away with the mind movies completely, but it does take the edge off. Anyway, its just a suggestion.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me I have this ego that will prevent me from being less then the OM's. I know I'm better and know the buttons to push. I'm just better.
Its not on the run like it was with the OM, thers no awkwardness to it like there was with OM"s. I'm just better period.

My deal was the complete oppisite of Bandits, I was always rough and laid into my fWW. Now I mix it up these days. I often take it slow and I'm softer. I find my self a little more romantic these days. 

The big thing for me and Mrs. the-guy is we face this cheating crap head on and blow it out of the water. I mean she told me what I need to know and now I have the information that gives me an edge if you will in what turns her on and off.

On a side note I know one thing....I will never peirce my junk, that for sure. 

I'm just wired a little different then must. I do suggest you look at your self and face the fact that you are better lover then OM and do the work to be that. 

I've seen enough porno to know what the OM did with my wife and frankly it was a joke. The touching and the response you mention really don't mean any thing to me b/c at the end of the day the OM was just a joke. If he was that bad @ss then why isn't he with her now? 

Enjoy the sex, its fun, don't let the crap our W did take that away from you. Have the mind set and the confidence that you are better. This will come out the next time you do your wife.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Sad, it's been almost 3 years since DDay for me and the MM still continue. Less than before but they are still there. I find myself getting in the mood, imaganing removing her clothes then I think about him removing her clothes. I think of it during sex when she shows pleasure and I think of him pleasuring her. It's hard to put out of your head and it's an instant "deflator".

She told me sex with him was a fix when she was drinking becuase she wouldn't allow herself to drink at work so they'd meet fur lunch quickies. 

I find sex with her is just that, sex. The love making we had in the past is gone. I think of the times we made love, possibly even the same day she had sex with him and I can't get it out of my mind. 

She tells me I please her more than he ever did but there is always the doubt about why she went back to him for her fix when I could have been her fix. Her reply was he kept telling her she wasn't a drunk and I told her she was. He gave her that extra emotional fix she needed that couldn't. 

Maybe some day sex with her will be MM free. I hope so, I love her and these reminders keep me thinking about how I can stay married to someone I can't trust with my heart and if that will be the death of our marriage...


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> She let me, and later she told me it was the best sex we ever had: much beter than what she experienced with the OM.


Geez talk about a back handed compliment.

You screw her in an angry rage and she compares you to the OM, as if you needed the reminder.

I read posts like this, and having never been the victim of a deceitful spouse or girlfriend, I wonder how a betrayed person can ever fully get past something like this no matter how remorseful the cheater might be.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

At some point before during or after we have sex the thought of my wife having sex with that POS runs through my head. It is not abour performance, or size it is just that she allowed him to have her. She tells me that she wonders what I am thinking during sex.

At this point I am not waking up at 2:00 in the morning and staring at the ceiling until 5:00 AM, so I guess I am making progress.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Geez talk about a back handed compliment.
> 
> You screw her in an angry rage and she compares you to the OM, as if you needed the reminder.
> 
> I read posts like this, and having never been the victim of a deceitful spouse or girlfriend, I wonder how a betrayed person can ever fully get past something like this no matter how remorseful the cheater might be.


When you've had your whole world blown out from under you, and your ego is in the toilet, you'll take any compliment from your WS you can get.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> When you've had your whole world blown out from under you, and your ego is in the toilet, you'll take any compliment from your WS you can get.


It's hard to relate to that because I've never been there and on the face of it it just seems so sad and full of despair but I sort of get it.

It's like asking the shark who has got your legs in it's mouth to please spare the upper half of your body and be happy with just a snack.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> It's like asking the shark who has got your legs in it's mouth to please spare the upper half of your body and be happy with just a snack.


Good analogy. And my wife did not volunteer that statement by the way. She said that a couple of days later when we were coming out of MC and had been talking about the sexual aspects of her affair. Our counselor was really, really good and did not let her rugsweep anything about the affair. Everything was laid out in the open and dissected. I had asked her why she felt it was necessary to have sex with another man. Was I not enough for her? That's when she told how much she had enjoyed the previous night's sex and she told me that I was more than enough for her. 

She claimed that she had the affair with the old boyfriend because he pursued her and she enjoyed his attentions and that it had little to do with sex (even though I was pursuing her too at the same time). I was too young and dumb to understand the implications of that statement. Looking back it was a harbinger of what happened a month ago. 

Ick!


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