# random thoughts at 2 years out...



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Its been just over 2 years since I found out about my H's betrayal. Today I feel this...

1. 
HE lost "The Wife" - and gained the love of his life (both me.) He's more in love with me then ever. Really. He no longer treats me like "the wife." He's stopped the sarcasm and clearly the anger and resentment he felt toward me - basically for becoming a mom that didn't put him first anymore - now he is head over heels in love with me and shows it everyday.

I lost my soul mate, but I have gained a wonderful husband. I don't think I will ever be able to place him in soul mate status again. That ship has sailed and I just don't know if I'll ever be able to give that gift to a person that hurt and betrayed me so terribly. However, this person I'm now married to... truly an amazing husband - supportive, in love, and kind. He's the husband I never had before.

2. I still feel anxiety. The memories still hit me like a brick sometimes. Out of the blue... well, no, not out of the blue. There are triggers everywhere. There always will be. And every time, my stomach turns, my breathing thins away, and my heart hurts. But it passes. I want it to pass, and it does. I accept these bricks when they hit me. I go through the feelings. I honor them as being part of my ongoing recovery. But then I let them pass and I move forward. 

3. I still don't know what the future holds. No one does. I consider my marriage to be on a month to month lease. It might be the good marriage it is today, forever. Or, it might be over tomorrow. One just doesn't know.

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone. But I felt the need to post. Its where I am after over 2 years.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi stillInshock, Sunday I will "acknowlege" the 1 year anniversary of the day that my wife's 11 month EA became a PA.

Your description is right on as to where I am at almost a year. I used to be triggered 24/7. Then it progressed to hourly. Then a few times a day. Now it's less but still hits me hard.

I've read that it takes at least 2 years for most people but it really continues in some form forever.

Thanks for putting it into words so well. Wishing you success in your recovery.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

You say he is head over heels in love with you. Do you feel the same about him? A wonderful husband is great but it sounds like you're missing something. 

How do you think you would fell if your marriage had ended and you moved on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm 14 months out, I can relate as well, things are good, but those triggers and moments bring me right back to the D-Day feelings, hate it, wish it would stop, but I wouldn't wish things to be like the way they were before the affair, 
We have grown and learned and our marriage is a great place to be now, my husband is now the husband I always wanted him to be.............I hope I'm the woman he has always dreamed of as well..............
I listen to stories of others like you that are farther along in the process and it gives me hope and makes me look forward to the future with my husband........
I hear what you say about things not ever being the same again, it's like a part of us dies when an affair happens............
I myself have a bit of a problem with the anniversary, how do you celebrate the vows you took when they really aren't in tact anymore. For now, we just use the date we chose to stay together as a day to celebrate.............maybe it's just me.......


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Indy - 
Yes, I'm missing something. I'm missing that absolutely 100% everything that I felt before about the man I thought was my soul mate. My guard is up. There is a chance I won't every feel that again. Then again, maybe I will. I'm not going to force it either way. Its sad. Kind of like finding our you're diabetic and have to avoid chocolate. The thought of never having chocolate again. Ouch.

I'm glad I didn't walk away before. He instantly (well over time, but pretty quickly) repented. He's worked on his bad habits so much that they do not need to be worked on anymore in most cases, are simply replaced with good habits. If this didn't happen, I would have to have walked. 

When I hit a bad flashback, I am able to move past it by appreciating what I have now... with my "2nd" husband. I guess I just feel wiser - less innocent now. Some people get to live in innocence forever.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

I'm almost 6 months out (so I know I've got a long way to go)...but I already sense that I'll never feel that 100% place of trust, comfort and closeness...and this is what troubles me the most! I often find myself wondering A.) if I cant get to 100%, why do I want to stay and work it out? What's my motivation? and B.) can I live with less than 100%? Should I be willing to settle for less than 100%? The answers to all of these are simply that, I just don't know...and I hate feeling like that.

Just keep pushing forward I guess...

SinS - glad to hear that things are working out for you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

SinS,

Your thoughts are far from random. Most pro-marriage counselors will tell you that after an affair, it really does take years to "work" thru and process the reality of an affair to a marriage. Being cheated on by someone that you have given your life's trust is just plain hard. The only real advice I have... Show mercy, Look forward not behind, stand your guard.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I am 15 months from DD. I think of the cheating every day. I still have triggers and the last 6-7 weeks have been better. I very much understand the loss of that pure, true, special feeling that is no longer. We will never have what we could have. That pureness is gone. We only talked once at 1 month from DD about what happened. She didn't tell the whole truth. I know there were other men. I feel she is still lying because she never came clean. I hate to bring it up anymore. I want to move on but feel that not knowing and still being lied to I haven't had the chance to move on. 
Yes month to month is how I now live and my (2nd wife) is how I think of her. Its like I am married to a different person. I can never have what I did. I still do lover her and will forever but now it is different. I hope for good days, weeks, months, and years to come.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

I am 6 weeks out from finding out about my husbans affair, and I just want to say thank you for giving me hope. My husband is very remorseful, and is doing everything he can to help me through this. I honestly think if we survive it, I could be writing a post like yours someday. I am glad your marriage has made it this far. Congrats on the hard work it took from both of you.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

Thank you for the hope that your posts reflects. As others have said, my hope is to one day be in your shoes and able to feel as you are. 

Never will we be the same people we were when we married, but my hope is that what we will be is something better and healthier emotionally.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been 11months, 15 days, 6hours, and 9 minutes since I confronted my wife. I have to say it will never be the same but we are much better off since we brought the issues out in the open.

Sometime I think if I should have never confronted her, but then other time I'm glad I did. Wierd!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

How2Believe...
I have asked myself the same questions... is it good enough to not have 100%? Then, I stopped asking. I took the pressure of finding an answer off of my plate. Its too much to handle. It only brings stress and anxiety. And there is no right answer. 

I have friends who for a similar or different reason left their marriage and never found another that came close to the 100% they hoped for... Others have. And still some others report to have re-found that 100%.

Who knows. All I can say is the pressure of finding that answer is not worth the stress and anxiety that I would need to bring back into my life again.

And again, HE is a much better life partner now then he was... by far. That 'soul mate' I had... he actually was a bit of a figment of my imagination anyway as it turns out. Obviously, since he had betrayed me multiple times over the years. It was just my realization of that fact that took away the soul mate part. When I look at our communication now and his new found kindness, it truly is better then what we had. Different, not 100%, but at least kinder.

When you're ready... remove the stress of needing to find the answer. Its so freeing. You're not a dolt if you allow this of yourself.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

SinS,

Life is messy sometimes. I guess we just have to wake up everyday and be thankful for what we have (blessed) and let go of what is lost or never will be.

I'm so done with yesterday. In 50+ years, I have never altered 1 sec of what happened in the review mirror. As far as tomorrow... now that's another story!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

After an affair, you know what you lose? That naive image you have in your mind that "you two are special" and "that could never happen to us." You lose the false image that you have a "happy marriage and happy family" and "oh sure we have problems but we'll be okay, we're different." Those images I call naive not to be insulting but because those kinds of images are a fairly unrealistic and a more immature way of viewing an intimate, long-term, committed, covenant relationship with one person. 

In a way it is a HUGE loss. That feeling of "being the only one" or being special is lost, but what you GAIN is just as huge. You GAIN an understanding that both of you need to meet each other's needs, and avoid the things that destroy love. You GAIN true intimacy with another person (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically). You GAIN a more mature, realistic view of what a relationship is and what it requires. You get to know YOU better, and your partner gets to know themselves better, and then you two can both share yourselves! So there are some pretty painful losses but the Gains can be enormous. 

It really is like a second marriage. And I think the sooner you can embrace that it will not be "like it was" because it has changed...the sooner you can start to heal.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> After an affair, you know what you lose? That naive image you have in your mind that "you two are special" and "that could never happen to us." You lose the false image that you have a "happy marriage and happy family" and "oh sure we have problems but we'll be okay, we're different." Those images I call naive not to be insulting but because those kinds of images are a fairly unrealistic and a more immature way of viewing an intimate, long-term, committed, covenant relationship with one person.
> 
> In a way it is a HUGE loss. That feeling of "being the only one" or being special is lost, but what you GAIN is just as huge. You GAIN an understanding that both of you need to meet each other's needs, and avoid the things that destroy love. You GAIN true intimacy with another person (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically). You GAIN a more mature, realistic view of what a relationship is and what it requires. You get to know YOU better, and your partner gets to know themselves better, and then you two can both share yourselves! So there are some pretty painful losses but the Gains can be enormous.
> 
> It really is like a second marriage. And I think the sooner you can embrace that it will not be "like it was" because it has changed...the sooner you can start to heal.


Affaircare, You always have the "perfect" words to explain it! Thanks. I too, struggle with this "loss of innocense" but what you explain is certainly the tradeoff. I lost that innocense but gained so much more! Our therapist suggested that has she not had the affair, our marriage would probably have come apart at some point anyways. Now she's reasonably certain that we will make it! Go figure!


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## Fidelias (Jan 17, 2011)

Im very new here and only 1 day out from d-day. I know it's a long road ahead and honestly I can't even be certain where it's headed. I've been searching for stories to read and help me grasp what's happening and that led me here.

I read so much negative and disheartening stuff about infidelity but this thread really gives me a dose of positivity and hope that I need right now.

Thank you so much.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> After an affair, you know what you lose? That naive image you have in your mind that "you two are special" and "that could never happen to us." You lose the false image that you have a "happy marriage and happy family" and "oh sure we have problems but we'll be okay, we're different." Those images I call naive not to be insulting but because those kinds of images are a fairly unrealistic and a more immature way of viewing an intimate, long-term, committed, covenant relationship with one person.
> 
> In a way it is a HUGE loss. That feeling of "being the only one" or being special is lost, but what you GAIN is just as huge. You GAIN an understanding that both of you need to meet each other's needs, and avoid the things that destroy love. You GAIN true intimacy with another person (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically). You GAIN a more mature, realistic view of what a relationship is and what it requires. You get to know YOU better, and your partner gets to know themselves better, and then you two can both share yourselves! So there are some pretty painful losses but the Gains can be enormous.
> 
> It really is like a second marriage. And I think the sooner you can embrace that it will not be "like it was" because it has changed...the sooner you can start to heal.


I love this


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> After an affair, you know what you lose? That naive image you have in your mind that "you two are special" and "that could never happen to us." You lose the false image that you have a "happy marriage and happy family" and "oh sure we have problems but we'll be okay, we're different." Those images I call naive not to be insulting but because those kinds of images are a fairly unrealistic and a more immature way of viewing an intimate, long-term, committed, covenant relationship with one person.
> 
> In a way it is a HUGE loss. That feeling of "being the only one" or being special is lost, but what you GAIN is just as huge. You GAIN an understanding that both of you need to meet each other's needs, and avoid the things that destroy love. You GAIN true intimacy with another person (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically). You GAIN a more mature, realistic view of what a relationship is and what it requires. You get to know YOU better, and your partner gets to know themselves better, and then you two can both share yourselves! So there are some pretty painful losses but the Gains can be enormous.
> 
> It really is like a second marriage. And I think the sooner you can embrace that it will not be "like it was" because it has changed...the sooner you can start to heal.


You nailed it with the "feeling special" part. It has only been roughly 2 or 3 weeks since I found out and that is probably the part that hit me the hardest. before the DS had the Affair we each have only been with each other. So now her list has 2 on it and myn is still just her.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

i am so glad you posted this. at one year out, i had a huge flashback of all the pain and stress. but now it is another month later, and i feel our relationship starting to stand again. it is great to know that in another year, there is a real person who has really risen above most of the junk.

the way i think of the loss is that our marrage lost its innocence. and it's gone, never to be regained. but, that would never be replaced by someone else either. 

i too thik of this as a whole new marrage. i've even told him--i want another wedding. we can run to vegas and be low-key and laugh at the rediculous the whole way through. after a big formal wedding the first time, that would be nice. but it has to be on the same day. i do not want a new wedding anniversary.

i am learning to love this new man in my life, and he is learning to love this new wife. all in all, it's the best i could ask for.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Keep it up MyHope. Triggers are always there... but you've got the right mindset. Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

myhope said:


> i too thik of this as a whole new marrage. i've even told him--i want another wedding. we can run to vegas and be low-key and laugh at the rediculous the whole way through. after a big formal wedding the first time, that would be nice. but it has to be on the same day. i do not want a new wedding anniversary.


May I make a suggestion? We also renewed our vows--on a different day--and the way we do it is that our original anniversary is our "public" or "family" anniversary (we do things together as a family or invite friends to dinner to celebrate) and our renewal is our "private" anniversary. We are the only two in the world who know about it, we almost always "sneak away", and that anniversary is all about romance and only US...and no I don't just mean sex. I mean roses, poems, dressy up, cologne, lingerie, satin sheets, whip cream ... the whole nine yards! It is a WONDERFUL way to have two anniversaries. 

Personally, I wouldn't want to have to renew vows on the same day as the original wedding. Then I'd forever tie the two memories together, which would lead to triggers on my "anniversary." Then again, that's just me. Differences may apply.


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## Rightpath (Jan 24, 2011)

Wow great idea affaircare, a different day! 
We are one year and four months out from the my husbands affair. It was for the most part a emotional one, but also his second (the first was when we were first married.)
We are def. in the second marriage stage, acknowledging God first, then us. Its like we finally are living just to make each other happy. 
We are planning a trip to for outr 30th anniversary and we talked of renewing our vows. I want to, but your right the same day just doesnt seem right. (We renewed them at 20 years with just our kids there- it was more of a 'year type' thing- and obv. didnt stick. lol- not really)
Renewing them now feels like it would be - a real second wedding/new beginning- this time- just between us and God. 
Well def. something to consider,a different day....thanks for the idea.
and yes the triggers are the worse- and feeling lingers for days- yuck! I read someone describe living after an affair is like walking on ice and hoping not to fall.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Lot's of anniversaries going on. This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my discovery of my wife's very leangthy betrayal. I can relate to so many I have seen here. 

1. We not only survived but have thrived. Yes the first 3 months were heart-rending, but today we are doing unbelievably well and are both head over heals in love again. 

2. There are moments of anxiety that I have (though rare). We love country music, and in particular there are two songs that get played alot that glorify affairs from the perspective of the OW and I can't even listen to them, they bring up real bad thoughts. The other day I had a really bad dream related to all of this. 

But those moments are the rare exceptions. By and large I have great trust built back in my wife, and we are doing far, far better than I ever thought possible at this point. 

On top of dealing with all of htis, my company went through layoffs last year and I was out of work for a several months. The entire time I had a standing offer of work from my wife's company, but it meant out of town 5-6 days a week. I finally had to accept it, and so for the 6 weeks we have been living that way. I will come home on the weekends or the family will come to me. Still my trust is high and our love is pure. 

This weekend she is leaving the kids with the grandparents and coming to visit me. I have a nice hotel reserved here in town and reservations for a couples' spa treatment. I can't wait for her to get here, it's going to be a great weekend. Last year this marked the worst day of my life (and what will always remain the worst day of my life until or unless I have to experience the death of one of my children or my wife, God forbid). This year we are going to endeavor to make it one of the best of either of our lives. 

I know many of you out there are still struggling with it, but it is possible to make it through, keep pushing, keep working, and most importantly keep praying.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Well we are just over 4 months since D Day and i wonder if we wil reach transparency and real recovery or if she is still lying. So these posts are encouraging. I at this point am the one telling her my WW that it must be rebuilt completly new, she wants to forget and seems to be trying to just go back to how it was. Time will tell
Good luck to us all.


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## Rightpath (Jan 24, 2011)

"On top of dealing with all of this, my company went through layoffs last year" 


hopeinhoustan...Major layoffs at my place of employment, also played a huge role in our marriage struggling. I avoided the layoff, but the stress of seeing co-workers go through it was damaging enough. Im glad you found a way to work through it.

Also after thinking on the renewal on a different day idea, I am feeling that, even though the marriage feels new, it is actually renewed. So I think a renewal on the our actual anniversary is more appropriate. It was God that Saved our marriage- that he joined in the first place.


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