# Chronic lying. Gonna be a long one.



## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and have three kids. Our relationship has been rocky at times, but we also get along as friends quite well. I haven’t worked in several years; I have physical disabilities that prevent that. Luckily he makes good money. 

Several years ago, I almost left him. He had gotten too close to a female coworker, wasn’t helping around the house at all, constantly criticized me, lied about everything, and had started staying home from activities- which I discovered was so he could look at porn. He apologized profusely, swore he never cheated, said he’d stop the porn, and begged me to stay. I was pregnant and had no way to support myself. I decided to forgive him and do everything I could to make our marriage work.

The years since have been up and down. Every time he lied to me I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I read the Five Love Languages. I read the Bible. I watched Fireproof and tried several different times to work through the companion book. He had no interest. I doubled down my efforts to make everything go smoothly.

Then, a little over a year ago, things changed. It started out pretty small. It was a Saturday, and my birthday. He had a male coworker that he would go get coffee with on Saturday mornings, and they would always FaceTime me to say hi. But I never got a call that morning at all. At lunch he called and said he was going to go look at a car he found. I asked why he didn’t call earlier, and he said he was busy and didn’t go for coffee. My radar was going off, so I checked his phone tracking history, and he HAD gone for coffee as well as already been to look at the car. 

He said I was just paranoid and that he simply didn’t want to admit that he forgot it was my birthday.

About a month later, we were laying in bed and I started fooling around. When I pulled down his pants, I discovered a dried flaky substance all over the base of his genitals. He flipped out. Said he had no idea what it was. That maybe it was salt from sweating when he went running. He hadn’t showered after his run, but he had gone swimming. 

That winter he began having trouble performing in bed. He blamed me the first time, saying I didn’t excite him. He later started doing new things. My radar was screaming at me. I started paying attention to his tracking in real time, and discovered he was going outside and to the other side of his building pretty frequently. He wasn’t going to the gym like he said, either (which I already suspected because he was losing muscle). When I asked him, he insisted that the tracker just wasn’t accurate.

During all this time, he’s lying. Lying about whether he took out the trash. Whether he called the doctor. Whether he had to work overtime. Stupid stuff. He’s also begun stalking me. With our security cameras, calling me instantly if someone shows up or I step out. Getting in the car and going looking for me if I’m more than a couple minutes longer on my walk. He accused me several times of having an affair with the 25-yr. old construction guy working on our house (we are in our 40s). My medication would randomly be missing, and he insisted I was taking too much. When my oldest lived at home he insisted my son must be stealing it. 

Then something changed. It was like I’d eaten the forbidden fruit and now I can’t unsee the lies, cheating, stealing, controlling, manipulation. I don’t know how I buried my head in the sand for so long. I had no friends, no life, no security, no hobbies. I started working on changing what I could. He railed against it. He has accused me of being anxious, bipolar, cheating, an alcoholic, having a mid-life crisis, being in too much pain, being just plain paranoid. I’ve realized he lies to me about 3 times per day that I know of. He’s not safe to me. He’s constantly going through all my drawers and closet. He’s locked me out of my computer twice now trying to get in. He still follows me when I go to a neighbors house or on a walk. He’s doing things like using my toothbrush (a massive pet peeve of mine), cranking things closed so I can’t open them, parking my car in ways it’s a headache to get out of the garage...all stupid little things but altogether it has added up.

He keeps insisting I am the problem. And I’ve really struggled with this. After all, I’m the one that stopped letting him treat me this way. I insisted he get some counseling to get his lying and controlling under control and that if he did that then I would go to joint counseling with him. From what I can gather (and at this point everything that comes out of his mouth is suspect) he told his counselor that I was paranoid and he needed ways to prove to me I was wrong. He is now changing counselors, and I suspect it’s because he doesn’t want to admit he lied to him. 

I’ve missed a lot of details. And I know this telling is slightly convoluted. In a nutshell.. I’m afraid my husband doesn’t know how to be truthful. I’ve locked up my money, I’ve taken myself off my medication so there’s nothing to steal, I’ve unplugged our cameras, removed his ability to track me, started making friends and going to the grocery store by myself. But I can’t fix him. He claims he will learn to be honest, but in the next breath tells a lie. 

Is it even possible for him to learn to tell the truth? To not steal, cheat, etc., and then lie about it? Am I wrong for being so unsteady and feeling like I have no foundation to my life? We have a nice house, cars, vacations, etc. he doesn’t physically abuse me. But I’m absolutely miserable.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You should be focusing on ALL of these crappy behaviors. He is very clearly cheating on you, and is projecting all the insecurity from doing so onto you. Your radar is spot on. You are in a pretty serious situation, he sounds very unstable from what you describe here. I think you need to start looking at a plan to remove yourself from this marriage, because I have a strong feeling he is too far gone to try and save it. He is abusing you!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Openeyes said:


> Is it even possible for him to learn to tell the truth?


I don't think so. Someone who is ingrained in lying will find it extremely difficult to become honest and truthful. I think that it is possible only through God's intervention. And, as a person gets older, the likelihood of that experience becomes lower and lower.



Openeyes said:


> We have a nice house, cars, vacations, etc. he doesn’t physically abuse me. But I’m absolutely miserable.


You're in a tough spot, if you can't earn your own living. Consult an attorney. A consultation does not mean you have to take any legal action, you can simply get the attorney's advice about "where you stand" should you decide to leave. Then, you can make your decision based upon facts, and not just "feelings".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This is chronic abuse and you need to free yourself from it!

I feel that it may well have reached beyond the threshold of him being a pathological liar, which with rare exception, is hard to ever recover from! *


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

https://pairedlife.com/problems/So-whats-the-deal-with-Cheaters


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Look for his wig....

He flipped it some time ago.

He sounds like someone on meds, meds not working or needing meds. 
He is not on AD drugs or steroids, is he?

If he is progressively getting worse, you need to write down his symptoms.
What you have written is illustrative of the next sentence.

He is starting to become paranoid. Paranoid schizophrenic?
His brain is starting to loose its grip on reality.


Has he had any head injury recently?
Maybe, a tumor in his head?


I am a layman, not an MD or a psychologist. I am very merry educated.
I am concerned.

So should you.....more than you are.
He needs help, serious help.
You need to get away from him.

Is he violent, is he capable of violence?
Has he threatened violence.

Just Sayin'


KB-


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## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

Thank you for the responses. I dreamed last night (I certainly hope it was a dream!) that he came into the bedroom and tried to suffocate me. He has never been violent but obviously some part of me is concerned. He has shown an amazing amount of contempt at times lately when we argue. He has lied to me about how much alcohol he’s put in my drinks (I’m not a heavy drinker nor very big so it makes a big difference) so I don’t allow him to make me drinks anymore. I’ve had a significant increase in allergic reactions (I have a food allergy) lately, and I’ve joked that he was trying to kill me but I have a hard time thinking he’d do it on purpose. 
He has no mental health diagnosis’s. No head injuries. Not on any medications. He does fake injuries or illnesses when he knows I’m upset with him. 
The world thinks he’s amazing and I’m so lucky to have him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Openeyes said:


> Thank you for the responses. I dreamed last night (I certainly hope it was a dream!) that he came into the bedroom and tried to suffocate me. He has never been violent but obviously some part of me is concerned. He has shown an amazing amount of contempt at times lately when we argue. He has lied to me about how much alcohol he’s put in my drinks (I’m not a heavy drinker nor very big so it makes a big difference) so I don’t allow him to make me drinks anymore. I’ve had a significant increase in allergic reactions (I have a food allergy) lately, and I’ve joked that he was trying to kill me but I have a hard time thinking he’d do it on purpose.
> He has no mental health diagnosis’s. No head injuries. Not on any medications. He does fake injuries or illnesses when he knows I’m upset with him.
> *The world thinks he’s amazing and I’m so lucky to have him*.


Pretty typical for a narcissistic abuser that everyone thinks he is the greatest. They put on an amazing show for the rest of the world, while everyone at home living with them suffers. 

I don't blame you at all for these fears, he sounds a bit unhinged. Seems he is full of resentment towards you, after all, if you weren't around, he would be free to be with his other woman. If you ever feel in danger, please seek help!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

@Openeyes, you might think you dreamt it but it actually happen. So, be careful. My cousin ex did this to her, he tried to suffocate her and claimed it was a dream. Did it more than once, my grandmother went to stay with her for a week and guess who she was coming from the room....him. So, he could not claim that she was dreaming. The next day he left.

Another one relative her husband put an open propane tank under the kitchen. Which is near to the stove. When she came in and smelled gas and the stove was fine. She called 911, that called helped in the divorce. 

Both men wanted the house and money.

So, becareful. Don't eat what you have not prepared.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

what's interesting is i know someone who could make these acccusations and they would be false. and even if they weren't, most people wouldn't believe her. it does seem you two need an intervention, an objective observer. counseling?

though it's unclear to me what is really happening, you should definitely listen to yourself. you do not feel safe. you need help. whether that's you getting help for you, for him or a combination - get help. if you're supposed to be taking meds, chat with the doctor about all this before just quitting them. and/or get a safe or put them somewhere no one can touch them.

a round of counseling couldn't hurt. he could very well be the amazing man the world thinks he is - he just might need some training.


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## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

KrisAmiss said:


> what's interesting is i know someone who could make these acccusations and they would be false. and even if they weren't, most people wouldn't believe her. it does seem you two need an intervention, an objective observer. counseling?
> 
> though it's unclear to me what is really happening, you should definitely listen to yourself. you do not feel safe. you need help. whether that's you getting help for you, for him or a combination - get help. if you're supposed to be taking meds, chat with the doctor about all this before just quitting them. and/or get a safe or put them somewhere no one can touch them.
> 
> a round of counseling couldn't hurt. he could very well be the amazing man the world thinks he is - he just might need some training.


When I said he claimed it was me and I struggled, i in no way meant that maybe he wasn’t behaving this way or that maybe I was just paranoid. I meant that he feels that it’s my fault we are struggling because I’ve stopped accepting his behavior. 
Can you explain what you mean by training?

My doctor is aware of my choice to not use medication. It was muscle relaxers and narcotics, not anything that would harm me to not have (except increased pain and spasms, of course). 

He is already in counseling. I will be starting.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Color me confused.

You begin your post by saying:


Openeyes said:


> *I haven’t worked in several years; I have physical disabilities that prevent that.*



But _then_ you say:


> I was pregnant and had no way to support myself. I decided to forgive him and do everything I could to make our marriage work.


I'm confused - if you* weren't* capable of working at a desk job or in some other capacity due to 'physical disabilities,' then how on earth were you able to carry a pregnancy full term, put your body through the trauma of delivering the baby, then tend to a newborn/toddler these last few years? That's a HELL of a lot more demanding on your body than sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day or standing on an assembly line in a factory.

My point is that you're likely more than capable of *supporting* yourself if you can carry a pregnancy to term, deliver, then tend to screaming infants and toddlers 24 hours a day. When you choose to be financially dependent on someone, then you choose to give up all your *options*. And that's what you did when you chose to stop working (although I suspect long-term Disability benefits come into play here).

If I'm being honest, it looks like you've let *a lot* of **** go by under the bridge with this guy because he's a good provider. So, you continually choose financial security over being respected and cherished by your lying husband.

He sounds like a paranoid Schizophrenic with his stalking and all that bullcrap. He's abusive, dangerous, a cheater, and a compulsive liar on top of everything else.

So once again, you'll have to decide what's more important to you - his paycheck or your dignity and self worth.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openeyes said:


> Thank you for the responses. I dreamed last night (I certainly hope it was a dream!) that he came into the bedroom and tried to suffocate me. He has never been violent but obviously some part of me is concerned. He has shown an amazing amount of contempt at times lately when we argue. He has lied to me about how much alcohol he’s put in my drinks (I’m not a heavy drinker nor very big so it makes a big difference) so I don’t allow him to make me drinks anymore. I’ve had a significant increase in allergic reactions (I have a food allergy) lately, and I’ve joked that he was trying to kill me but I have a hard time thinking he’d do it on purpose.
> He has no mental health diagnosis’s. No head injuries. Not on any medications. He does fake injuries or illnesses when he knows I’m upset with him.
> The world thinks he’s amazing and I’m so lucky to have him.


He could well be cheating and you are in the way of his happiness. I would suggest you get a PI, put a voice recorder in his car and go and see a lawyer. How old are your kids?


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Openeyes said:


> Can you explain what you mean by training?
> 
> My doctor is aware of my choice to not use medication. It was muscle relaxers and narcotics, not anything that would harm me to not have (except increased pain and spasms, of course).
> 
> He is already in counseling. I will be starting.


Glad to hear the counseling. It helps to go together. Even if he's totally wrong, a counselor may help you see his point of view and vice versa.

What I meant is even if you're completely deranged in your thinking (and I'm not saying you are), he's clearly not handling things well. Whatever he's trying to achieve, he's not succeeding. If he's used to pushing you around, yes, there will be push back. He needs training (like most husbands) on how to better interact with you. Maybe he needs medication.

Taking drugs (or not taking drugs for some people) can skew perceptions and thoughts. In my experience I could just imagine someone thinking things that aren't necessarily true. I realize this is not most people though. This guy needs help it seems. I'm not one to jump on him and blame him. He may be doing the best he can. You've been with him this long. Find that objective voice that can help both of you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

KrisAmiss said:


> Glad to hear the counseling. It helps to go together. Even if he's totally wrong, a counselor may help you see his point of view and vice versa.
> 
> What I meant is even if you're completely deranged in your thinking (and I'm not saying you are), he's clearly not handling things well. Whatever he's trying to achieve, he's not succeeding. If he's used to pushing you around, yes, there will be push back. He needs training (like most husbands) on how to better interact with you. Maybe he needs medication.
> 
> Taking drugs (or not taking drugs for some people) can skew perceptions and thoughts. In my experience I could just imagine someone thinking things that aren't necessarily true. I realize this is not most people though. This guy needs help it seems. I'm not one to jump on him and blame him. He may be doing the best he can. You've been with him this long. Find that objective voice that can help both of you.


This is the most contrarian point of view I have ever seen on TAM.

And maybe this is the vial holding the real truth. 
And not the [truth?] that is 'said' to be vile.

Congratulations, on being the first constructive Auntie Matter.

You have an insight, maybe foresight, maybe are right.

Keep intuit.



King Brian- The Red Queen may try to contact you. To employ you as a Diagnostician. Deploy from her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My two posts to Openeyes were contrary.

Contrary to what you think, I am not perfect.

I can be short sighted.

I have an excuse. I am barely four foot tall.


King Brian- back to chasing Tales.


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## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

Because it’s my hands and shoulders that affect me the most. And it was hell. I had family to help and an environment arranged to keep me as independent as possible. I can not bring my family to my job nor are employers required to accommodate me to the point I need. 
And, yes, I let a lot of poor behavior go unchecked and I allowed myself to slowly get isolated. It does not mean, however, that I have to continue this way. Like I told my husband, I don’t know that our marriage is over. What I do know is that I will not have another 20 years of the same marriage we had.


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## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

A little update, anyone?
For him it is not possible to stop lying. 
We agreed to divorce once finances were straightened around a couple months ago. His behavior has become more erratic since.
Today I asked if he had found an apartment. He flipped his lid, came home early from work, and after hashing out assets/custody/etc (which he was relieved and agreed with what I proposed) he then an hour later announced he was going on an 18-hour trip for a week or so because he didn’t want to see the kids and needed to clear his head. He told the kids he was going on a business trip and walked out. 
I guess time will tell if he comes back. 
And a Psa- Bluetooth has a pretty long range. Turn off Bluetooth or your smart watch if you don’t want your texts from random women coming through in the bedroom where your wife is.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow, I just read your story and update.

Do you have any resources for dealing with all of this? Support, friends, sisters? How old are your kids? Do they have any access to support or counseling or guidance? You all need that kind of support. He sounds looney toons. And dangerous.

He definitely has a mental illness or disorder or possibly drug addiction (or all of these).

You sound amazing for what you’ve been through. Yikes, I’m so sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. I know this is not easy. I hope things work out for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ending this marriage is the best thing to do, but to be honest I would not be happy for my children to spend much time with him, at least unsupervised.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Ending this marriage is the best thing to do, but to be honest I would not be happy for my children to spend much time with him, at least unsupervised.




I had this same thought. The man is not at all stable and needs help and medication. At least he is gone for a bit now so you get a break. Be on high alert though when he is back around again, for sure. I am glad you came back to update and that you are indeed getting out of the marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

He is back. I’ve put a camera in my room so I know he’ll leave me alone. My youngest is 12 so I have no young kids to worry about. He has always said he doesn’t want custody of the kids and hasn’t changed his mind so that’s good. 
I am lucky to have neighbors and friends keeping an eye out on me. Unfortunately I cannot force him to get the help he needs, so I will focus on doing what is best for me and the kids.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I hope you are still moving forward with the divorce plans.... maybe more than one camera would be in order, too.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Openeyes said:


> He is back. I’ve put a camera in my room so I know he’ll leave me alone. My youngest is 12 so I have no young kids to worry about. He has always said he doesn’t want custody of the kids and hasn’t changed his mind so that’s good.
> I am lucky to have neighbors and friends keeping an eye out on me. Unfortunately I cannot force him to get the help he needs, so I will focus on doing what is best for me and the kids.


Is there someone, a relative or a close friend that can camp out in the house for awhile when he's there?


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## Openeyes (Aug 22, 2018)

My oldest son is helping keep an eye on things, but no I don’t. Absolutely the divorce is happening. He lost it the other night and ripped the camera and it’s cord out of the wall and threw it a few times while screaming at me. He left the room when I threatened to call 911 but then followed me outside and started screaming at me when he tried to hand me a coat and I flinched. Apparently later that night he texted my son and told him what he did and said he was having fits of rage and couldn’t control it. All guns have been removed from the house and the sherriff’s department is aware of what is going on. They called it spiraling and said to call even if it wasn’t “911-worthy” and they can make sure he leaves.
He came home yesterday and said he needs to move out because he can’t handle this. I’m hoping he figures out a place to stay soon. I feel like I’m constantly on guard and it’s wearing on me.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Openeyes said:


> My oldest son is helping keep an eye on things, but no I don’t. Absolutely the divorce is happening. He lost it the other night and ripped the camera and it’s cord out of the wall and threw it a few times while screaming at me. He left the room when I threatened to call 911 but then followed me outside and started screaming at me when he tried to hand me a coat and I flinched. Apparently later that night he texted my son and told him what he did and said he was having fits of rage and couldn’t control it. All guns have been removed from the house and the sherriff’s department is aware of what is going on. They called it spiraling and said to call even if it wasn’t “911-worthy” and they can make sure he leaves.
> He came home yesterday and said he needs to move out because he can’t handle this. I’m hoping he figures out a place to stay soon. I feel like I’m constantly on guard and it’s wearing on me.


Can you change the locks so that he cannot come in when you don't want him to?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm scared, really scared for you. Glad the sheriff is on high alert. Can they do periodic drive bys? How old is your oldest son?

When is he leaving for good? I realize the last time you asked him that question he flipped out. Can you call a domestic abuse hotline to provide you with resources to help make a plan? What about the sheriff?

Edited to add: Are you in a position to consult with a lawyer? I'm thinking about a temporary restraining order maybe? I'm afraid it might not be lawful to change the locks if it's your marital home? Hence, the lawyer suggestion.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You should get a concealed carry permit and put it to use. It's just a matter of time until he snaps on you.


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