# The fWW and the Aftermath of a PA



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

Hi, I'm blackdiamonds and I'm new to the forum. Here's my story. 

Married 10 years to the BH. Long story short, there was a rough patch in the marriage with my BH having issues finding regular work due to his background. But most importantly the lack of excitement and time together (due to me working long hours at my job) a few years ago. I took the chickens**t way of dealing with the issues of my marriage by escaping them and succumbing to weakness and temptation. I had an on and off PA with my co-worker (M)...AP from here on out and it was really more like a "FWB" type of deal. The BH found out after he saw my text and emails to AP. BH and I talked about it for hours on D-Day but for the first couple of months, there were times he'd get distant or paranoid, believing I was still being deceitful. He decided for us to work things out. There are times he still feels like he can't trust me, despite the fact that we did a true R. I even proved to him that I severed all ties with AP. I deleted all of AP's emails, contact info and texts and showed BH the "we're through for good!" email I sent to AP. It's been well over a year ago. Close to a year from now, I'll be (literally) flying solo for a wedding out of town (for one of my girlfriends from high school). BH isn't happy about me going since he's afraid of me deviating (again) despite the fact that I have absolutely no intention nor the interest to do so. I've already managed to prove to BH that he can trust me not to do sneaky emails, chats, calls and texts, but how can I prove to BH that he can trust me travelling alone?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You can't prove any of those things. That you ended contact or won't have future contact. The longer you go without him seeing anything that gives him reason to be suspicious, the more he will trust. But really if you wanted to take it underground and hide it from him you could, and he must know that.

As far as your trip, why do you have to convince your husband that you need to go alone?

Can he not go with you?

If not, then wouldn't everyone understand that you can't go if it will upset him because you cheated on him for years?


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

You fvcked another man, multiple times, behind his back. You were took cowardly to admit it, and were probably laughing at him for being so trusting. So why, on earth, would he trust you now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I like how "new people" know every abbreviation.

As Shadow said, what did you do to earn any trust?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Don't go. Which is more important? Not doing something isn't proof you can be trusted, my WW went 25 years between affairs. If she can go another 25 I'll be dead or senile. If he's uncomfortable with you going there's probably nothing you're going to do to change his mind. Try telling him you're not going to go if he doesn't want you to. Maybe he'll change his mind based on your willingness to to respect his feelings. Either way your friend will live without you, trust me.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't. You trashed his trust in you pretty much forever. See before you chose to cheat he knew instinctively that he could trust you, but your choosing to cheat proved to him that you are fully capable and willing to cheat.

So you may remain a couple, but you will never be blindly trusted again.

Why oh why can't you take him along?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blackdiamonds said:


> Close to a year from now, I'll be (literally) flying solo for a wedding out of town (for one of my girlfriends from high school). BH isn't happy about me going since he's afraid of me deviating (again) despite the fact that I have absolutely no intention nor the interest to do so. I've already managed to prove to BH that he can trust me not to do sneaky emails, chats, calls and texts, but how can I prove to BH that he can trust me travelling alone?


 You not f*cking another man for 12 months does not prove that you can be trusted. Assuming that you did not take it underground, all it proves is that you can go 12 months without cheating, big deal. Add a few more years and then maybe we can have a conversation about trust. Your attitude that he should be over the affair already, and trust you as if nothing happened, shows that you do not understand the magnitude of your betrayal as you have already minimized it in your mind.

Also going alone out of town to a wedding of a HS friend is almost like going out of town to a HS class reunion. Many affairs happen with former classmates that meet again at these type of reunions. Based on your recent record of cheating, I would not trust you to go alone if you were my wife. Your willingness to go even though you know that your husband will suffer with legitimate worry, shows that you do not have adequate empathy for your husband to deserve the gift of reconciliation that he has given you. He forgave you too easily and you do not appreciate it. Prove me wrong by not going. It is one of the cost of you cheating that you should gladly be willing to pay.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Do you still work with the OM ? If so, not true R in my book. And you're going to a wedding solo ? One of the biggest potential hook up events there are ?

If I was him I would tell you that if you go alone, I won't be here when you get back.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yea if I was your husband if you confirm you are going I pack up and you would be coming home to an empty house. Don't tell me you still work with him?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He doesn't trust you and probably never will. 

Even though you might not have any intention of cheating, there are bound to be a few single penises at that wedding and let's face it you have a history.

Does he not want you to go at all? If so, then honor his wishes. 

It's all you can do.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

The reason why he can't go is because of work. I don't know for sure if he wants me to go or not but I said yes to my friend when she asked me to be a BM for her wedding (months ago and I told him about it). I no longer work with OM at all (we moved to be closer to my elderly IL's). Personally, I'd be happy if he wanted and could go with me instead of going solo. As for the deal with OM, there were times I considered ending it but OM managed to reel me back in. I always felt guilty but again, I was too chickens**t to say and do what I should've done. It was the first time in my life I ever went astray in a relationship. It still haunts me to this day what I did and I want to do what I can to prove to him that I won't repeat that horrible mistake again. If he really doesn't want me to go, then I'll have to bow out and tell my friend (the bride) I can't make it. 


ETA: I quit my old job (where I was working with OM) over a year ago. Why I went astray was because of the lack of excitement and the fact that we didn't spend a lot of time together (I worked long hours and took a long commute to my job...since it was the highest paying I could get in my area with my experience at the time).


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You very possibly should back out of the party if he can go.

It would be a good clear demonstration of you choosing him over other offers.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

If you were smart you would not trust youself. You had no intention of having an affair before. You are able to cheat adn step out of your M. If you valued your M and loved your husband you would worry,

It is true once a cheater always a cheater. That does not mean you will cheat. You need to find what caused your cheating and not put yourself in situations where it will be a very easy and tempting to do so.

This will stress out your H so you will be fighting. This is way too predictable.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If it was the other way around would you be p!ssed if he went alone after having an affair? Think about it.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> The reason why he can't go is because of work. I don't know for sure if he wants me to go or not but I said yes to my friend when she asked me to be a BM for her wedding (months ago and I told him about it). I no longer work with OM at all (we moved to be closer to my elderly IL's). Personally, I'd be happy if he wanted and could go with me instead of going solo. As for the deal with OM, there were times I considered ending it but OM managed to reel me back in. I always felt guilty but again, I was too chickens**t to say and do what I should've done. It was the first time in my life I ever went astray in a relationship. It still haunts me to this day what I did and I want to do what I can to prove to him that I won't repeat that horrible mistake again. If he really doesn't want me to go, then I'll have to bow out and tell my friend (the bride) I can't make it.
> 
> 
> ETA: I quit my old job (where I was working with OM) over a year ago. Why I went astray was because of the lack of excitement and the fact that we didn't spend a lot of time together (I worked long hours and took a long commute to my job...since it was the highest paying I could get in my area with my experience at the time).


Ok, so you did quit the job and moved away fron the OM. That is good. So if you are getting along now in R, going to this wedding opens up a Pandora's box of potential problems. 

I would bet that your husband would trust you going forward a lot more if you said to him that you thought it over and realized it was a bad idea to go, and he and your marriage are more important. Send a nice gift and stay home. Maybe even do something nice with your husband instead.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

I do have to admit a few months after D-Day and when we were on the R path, things started to look up. I do have some times where I'm afraid he'll say "screw this, I want a divorce". What caused me to cheat was the fact that I felt like (at the time) he was taking me for granted, the relationship went dull and I barely got to have time with him because of my job. When I met OM, I thought he was a nice guy, maybe a KISA (or so he seemed). I didn't intend on pursuing an affair of any kind, but I got caught up in the fog before I knew it (he was a bit of a charmer/flirt for the male equivalent of a butterface). After some time went on, I started to see OM for what he really was...an @$$hole in tin foil. My problem was that with the "FWB" type of thing we had going on (and me being a damn coward) I wanted to end things but I didn't have the guts to tell him in person. Then next thing I know...s**t hits the fan and it's D-Day. Sure, I had a lot of rough stuff going on at the time but it still doesn't excuse what I did in any way shape or form.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

tom67 said:


> If it was the other way around would you be p!ssed if he went alone after having an affair? Think about it.


Tom, I would bet a $1M that if things were reversed, there is no way in hell he's going solo to that wedding.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

barbados said:


> Tom, I would bet a $1M that if things were reversed, there is no way in hell he's going solo to that wedding.


Black you made the right move by coming here it took guts. Your h is going to trigger that weekend if you talked to your friend I would hope she would understand just sayin.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

barbados said:


> Ok, so you did quit the job and moved away fron the OM. That is good. So if you are getting along now in R, going to this wedding opens up a Pandora's box of potential problems.
> 
> I would bet that your husband would trust you going forward a lot more if you said to him that you thought it over and realized it was a bad idea to go, and he and your marriage are more important. Send a nice gift and stay home. Maybe even do something nice with your husband instead.


I like the idea of doing something with the husband. We've got a few things in mind we'd like to do together. Even if he could, I don't think he'd want to be tortured into sitting through my friend's wedding (he wouldn't know anybody there).


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> I do have to admit a few months after D-Day and when we were on the R path, things started to look up. I do have some times where I'm afraid he'll say "screw this, I want a divorce". What caused me to cheat was the fact that I felt like (at the time) he was taking me for granted, the relationship went dull and I barely got to have time with him because of my job. When I met OM, I thought he was a nice guy, maybe a KISA (or so he seemed). I didn't intend on pursuing an affair of any kind, but I got caught up in the fog before I knew it (he was a bit of a charmer/flirt for the male equivalent of a butterface). After some time went on, I started to see OM for what he really was...an @$$hole in tin foil. My problem was that with the "FWB" type of thing we had going on (and me being a damn coward) I wanted to end things but I didn't have the guts to tell him in person. Then next thing I know...s**t hits the fan and it's D-Day. Sure, I had a lot of rough stuff going on at the time but it still doesn't excuse what I did in any way shape or form.


Since you can have a quite rational look on your affair, I would say, have a quite rational look on the bridesmaid thing.

Tell your H that since he is not able to be confident about this you choose for not going to the wedding if he can't come with you. I would be no consideration to go for him depending on whether he 'likes' it or not. Somethings are obligations in real life you can't escape. Not being able because of work could be a valid reason, but only minimal in my eyes.

You choose for him full, or not at all. No friend can be of more importance than your spouse.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

wow..... just, wow! 

can someone explain to me the logic of having a "FWB situation" while being married?! i'm at a loss here.


<<<<<HEAD SPINNING LIKE LINDA BLAIR TRYING TO GRASP THIS NOTION>>>>>


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Mmmm....


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

You're still being selfish. Your affair or FWB was not the fault of your husband. You both were in the same "lacking excitement" and dull marriage and he didn't cheat. You were selfish and now you continue to be selfish by not taking his feelings into consideration and going "solo" out of town to a wedding. So you promised to go..what's the bigger picture here..keeping a promise to a friend or saving your marriage.
Clearly your BH is in no condition to feel safe at a year out..it takes two to five years to get through the first wave. There are people 10 years out who still feel the pain of the affair after they have fully reconciled.
You don't get it. You may not know how you would behave had it been the other way around and he cheated. Then he wants to go solo out of town.
You would be on pins and needles.
Send a gift
Apologize to your friend for not making it
Spend time with your BH instead.

He may say you could have gone, but I bet he would appreciate you choosing him.
After all..he still isn't sure that you have chosen him because you were able to choose another man to have an affair with.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I like how "new people" know every abbreviation.


I was drifting around here for a few months before I actually signed up, the abbreviations aren't that herd to pick up 

Blackdiamonds, sorry for your poor lack of judgement, I have experience of a dull and dutiful marriage and I never cheated, although for the situation I created I only had to play happy families for 2 days a week.

The question for me is this, do you actually value your marriage?

If so then you need to seriously look at how you are treating your husband, you need to evaluate the reactions and possible consequences on his feelings when you say or do something, the wedding out of town is something you should be doing together or not really at all, and you know that, but why would you think it perfectly normal under these circumstances to go without him?

You need to put some thought in to the priorities you have and put him at the top unless you seriously want to divorce, because after a few more thoughtless notions and creating situations where he may feel he cannot trust you there will be a few more arguments and an eventual outfall from him and most likely you will choose comfort from another man over dealing with him, just as you did before, if it is worth fighting for then fight and think hard about making it work.

or do both of you a favor and divorce, he can move on in time and you can seek the excitement that you are looking for in a man, thing is, exciting guys have a habit of treating you bad and you could well be back telling us of how you are being cheated on and not the other way around!!!


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

How does the OP know all the lingo and abbreviations i.e. fwb, KISA, fWW? And she calls him "the husband?" Hmmm


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

What is KISA? I don't know that one. 

OP are you angry with your husband? I'm trying to figure out the point of your post. What are you looking for? 

I'm assuming you got tested for stds since you put your husbands and your health at risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

KISA = Knight In Shining Armor


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Blackdiamonds - in 1999 my wife cheated and as we were in R, I had to go to Germany serveal times in early 2000 with the Army. Her family thought it was a bad idea that I had to leave just after D-day. None of them ever served in the military (except her father) and they had no clue that I had no choice in the matter. We stayed in contact via phone calls and for me it worked out well. My boys were young and her father and mother were close and kept their eye on my wife. 

I don't see a problem with you going as long as you reassure your husband that he can contact you basically anytime. On those times where you can't be contacted, text him and let him know what you are doing and why you can't be contacted and when you are free again let him know that you are available. For instance, during the wedding ceremony you are not available, let him know that and when you are free let him know.

Frankly I would be uncomfortable like your husband but you can make this work as long as you are accountable. Please don't get involved in any non-sense. If you friend is having a bachelorette party don't go if it will get wild. Come up with an excuse not to go and let your husband know about it, whether you go or don't go. If they go out to a bar, think, before going. And no matter what, don't drink. 

I would talk to your husband about all the things you can do to keep in contact with him and how you will be accountable.

If you do this his anxiety level will be lessened. I will warn you that he may still get angry about it. We (BS) tend to be sensitive and he may be thinking why you agreed to go in the first place. If you were my wife I may be thinking why did she agree to do this? And I would be thinking it would had been nice if she would have declined. But that is me and my last dday was just a little over a month ago.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> Why I went astray was because of the lack of excitement and the fact that we didn't spend a lot of time together (I worked long hours and took a long commute to my job...since it was the highest paying I could get in my area with my experience at the time).


This is wrong. You "went astray" (what a nice little phrase for what you did) because you decided to.

The rest is window dressing. You thought that what you wanted was more important than anything else and you wanted it NOW.

Do not insult your BH and us by selling that line. Maybe you use it in your own mind to justify what you did, but you cheated because you wanted to.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Have you and your husband been checked for STD's? I simply can't get over a wife having a friends with benefits relationship with another man putting her husband at risk for STD's. I think from your post that you have had so little respect for your husband as a man and a spouse to humiliate and disrespect him in such a horrible way.

I am quite surprised that your husband is still with you. Your actions continue to show that your husband is not your top priority. How would you be feeling if the roles had been reversed? You truly have a broken moral compass.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The way to earn his trust it not to go to the wedding.

This shows him that your marriage is very important to you.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Slight t/J


> Originally Posted by *blackdiamonds *
> Why I went astray was because of the lack of excitement and the fact that we didn't spend a lot of time together


I find this level of honesty refreshing, she doesn't make excuses. I can't see how this "explanation" put her in a better light, quite the contrary.
As a matter of fact it explain better than anything BH's worries about the wedding given she did it out of boredom, for the trill...
End of t/j

At the very least I'd refrain of going to the party and I'd be in constant comunication with BH. Pictures, texts, etc wouldn't do any harm neither.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> wow..... just, wow!
> 
> can someone explain to me the logic of having a "FWB situation" while being married?! i'm at a loss here.
> 
> ...


Since when is anything about infidelity logical? If everybody thought through their actions logically, there would be no infidelity.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> wow..... just, wow!
> 
> can someone explain to me the logic of having a "FWB situation" while being married?! i'm at a loss here.
> 
> ...


what is FWB ?


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

barbados said:


> what is FWB ?


FWB= Friends With Benefits - sex (without the tedious relationship stuff)


----------



## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

> What caused me to cheat was the fact that I felt like (at the time) he was taking me for granted, the relationship went dull and I barely got to have time with him because of my job. When I met OM, I thought he was a nice guy, maybe a KISA (or so he seemed). I didn't intend on pursuing an affair of any kind, but I got caught up in the fog before I knew it (he was a bit of a charmer/flirt for the male equivalent of a butterface).


Not trying to be the bad guy here, but please ask some of these tough questions of yourself.

Earlier in the thread, you said that you and your husband have successfully recovered. These words above do not indicate a successful recovery.

You cheated because there was the opportunity, because you thought of only yourself, and because you have poor boundaries around men. You cheated because YOU chose to!

Until you can see things this way, you are not really recovered. And knowing you still don't see things this way, your husband is not trusting and still reliving the hurt you put him through. 

And you think it is his problem that he is threatened by this wedding trip?


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Since when is anything about infidelity logical? If everybody thought through their actions logically, there would be no infidelity.


You can be logical but a selfish, cruel coward at the same time.

That being said, I agree with you.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

blackdiamonds said:


> What caused me to cheat was the fact that I felt like (at the time) he was taking me for granted, the relationship went dull and I barely got to have time with him because of my job.


This was my stbxw's "reason" too. None of that "caused" you too cheat. The only thing that caused you to cheat was your own free will.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Since when is anything about infidelity logical? If everybody thought through their actions logically, there would be no infidelity.


Correct. I mean, be honest BD, what was it about the other man that pulled you in? Physical attraction? Some new man telling you how pretty you are? Did you even think of your husband the first time? Any time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

Before D-day I tested myself for std's and thankfully I'm clean. I do realize that regardless my motives were selfish. I know what I did was inexcusable. Why I say it was more friends with benefits was because there was no lovey dovey boyfriend girlfriend stuff. We never called each other boyfriend or girlfriend. I was not the pursuant in the affair with OM. Even after I told him I was spoken for, he still pursued me. It's still my fault nonetheless because I allowed it to happen when I should've done something. As for my friend's wedding...even if I got the okay to go from BH, I don't plan on drinking (I'm not a drinker to begin with) and I definitely don't wanna go to the bachelorette party. Clubs and strippers are not my thing. The most of do is the bridal shower (if she has one) the wedding itself and going back home. BH knows I don't drink and I'm not about clubs and strippers, but he's afraid of me carrying on a fling while I'm miles away from him. If he says no to me going to my friend's wedding, then so be it. All I'm asking is how to demonstrate and prove to him that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again, especially in a situation where I'm far away from him. 




blackdiamonds said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*All I'm asking is how to demonstrate and prove to him that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again, especially in a situation where I'm far away from him.*

One sure way....DON'T GO!!! Maybe deep down he wants you to not go but doesn't want to be the one to make you not go. Either show loyalty to girlfriend or husband!!! It might hurt the girlfriend but may go a long way to show you husband that you put him above all others!!!


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blackdiamonds said:


> BH knows I don't drink and I'm not about clubs and strippers


 Before Dday he though that you were not about cheating on him and he was wrong. Right now he he does nor really know you, because the person that he thought that he knew died on Dday. 



blackdiamonds said:


> he's afraid of me carrying on a fling while I'm miles away from him. If he says no to me going to my friend's wedding, then so be it.


 With the affair so recent, he would be an idiot not to have this fear, yet here you are trying to pressure him into letting you go. He already told you that he does not want you to go, that should be good enough for you to not want to go. It does not matter if he eventually says yes to you going, you going will make him suffer with legitimate worry, yet you do not seem to care about that. It is still all about what you want. You were able to cheat because you had no regard for your husband's feelings. You still have no regard for his feelings. The fact that you want to go knowing that he will worry, speaks volumes on why you are not trust worthy enough to go. 



blackdiamonds said:


> All I'm asking is how to demonstrate and prove to him that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again, especially in a situation where I'm far away from him.


 For someone that is suppose to be doing the heavy lifting in a multi-year project of reconciliation, this is the wrong question to be asking. I will answer your question anyway. Your husband cannot make believe that the affair did not happen. It will take years of caring by you to earn back much of the trust that was lost and he will never be able to trust anyone 100% ever again. There is no shortcut to this healing process. You cheated. This is one of the consequences.

Know this. If you are able to get him to say yes to this trip. It may be the beginning of the end of your marraige as your husband will begin to reevaluate reconciliation.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> Before D-day I tested myself for std's and thankfully I'm clean. I do realize that regardless my motives were selfish. I know what I did was inexcusable. Why I say it was more friends with benefits was because there was no lovey dovey boyfriend girlfriend stuff. We never called each other boyfriend or girlfriend. I was not the pursuant in the affair with OM. Even after I told him I was spoken for, he still pursued me. It's still my fault nonetheless because I allowed it to happen when I should've done something. As for my friend's wedding...even if I got the okay to go from BH, *I don't plan on drinking *(I'm not a drinker to begin with) and I definitely don't wanna go to the bachelorette party. Clubs and strippers are not my thing. The most of do is the bridal shower (if she has one) the wedding itself and going back home. BH knows I don't drink and I'm not about clubs and strippers, but he's afraid of me carrying on a fling while I'm miles away from him. If he says no to me going to my friend's wedding, then so be it. All I'm asking is how to demonstrate and prove to him that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again, especially in a situation where I'm far away from him.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a good idea to go.
You don't "plan" on drinking. Can you say you didn't "plan" to cheat?

You can say you didn't plan to cheat..but what happened?

In other words..your words have no credibility..you need action.
Your poor husband..does he ever have priority with you?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Show him by making selfless choices without waiting him to ask you too.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

exactly. 

you need to be pro-active. these gestures(_not going_) must come from you..... from your own volition.

there are sacrifices you're gonna have to make to prove to him he's the only one you want to be with. get it?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think this is a no-brainer.

Just beg off. People do this all the time. The world won't stop turning if your friend has to find a fill-in for you.

Just commit to your H and stay home. It's too soon after your betrayal to be testing these waters. If it were a funeral of a very loved one, that would be different, but this is completely voluntary. Just do the mature, responsible thing & stay home.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

blackdiamonds said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He didn't give me a definitive answer yet. I just want to know what to do if he says yes. Keyword here if. Again if he says no, so be it. I'm not pressuring him in anyway. I came here for advice, not to be bashed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

blackdiamonds said:


> He didn't give me a definitive answer yet. I just want to know what to do if he says yes. Keyword here if. Again if he says no, so be it. I'm not pressuring him in anyway. I came here for advice, not to be bashed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the issue many people are having--and many of us understand exactly where your husband is at emotionally--is that it's not enough "to be ok with not going." It can't be your husband that has to step in and enforce a boundary. It needs to be you observing and respecting a boundary.

This probably sounds ridiculous to you, but he shouldn't have to tell you not to go. What would be helpful to him, I think, is if you said, "I'm not going, unless you come." If he wants you to go, and is ok with it, he'll let you know.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

TRy said:


> For someone that is suppose to be doing the heavy lifting in a multi-year project of reconciliation, this is the wrong question to be asking. I will answer your question anyway. Your husband cannot make believe that the affair did not happen. It will take years of caring by you to earn back much of the trust that was lost and he will never be able to trust anyone 100% ever again. There is no shortcut to this healing process. You cheated. This is one of the consequences.
> 
> Know this. If you are able to get him to say yes to this trip. It may be the beginning of the end of your marraige as your husband will begin to reevaluate reconciliation.


:iagree:

I think it's cruel to even put him in the position of having to say yes or no. He should not be having to make decisions like this. You should be the one to know how inappropriate your trip is.

My WH and I are in recovery and he has full knowledge of the fact that I cannot trust him under any circumstances and I don't know yet if I ever will again. He accepts this and for this reason, he gives me total and utter transparency in all areas of his life and I know where he is and with whom, every minute of every day. I will take nothing less and he is so desperate for R that he will do anything that I ask, whenever I ask it. 
Your BS deserves the same IMO.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> Before D-day I tested myself for std's and thankfully I'm clean. I do realize that regardless my motives were selfish. I know what I did was inexcusable. Why I say it was more friends with benefits was because there was no lovey dovey boyfriend girlfriend stuff. We never called each other boyfriend or girlfriend. I was not the pursuant in the affair with OM. Even after I told him I was spoken for, he still pursued me. It's still my fault nonetheless because I allowed it to happen when I should've done something. As for my friend's wedding...even if I got the okay to go from BH, I don't plan on drinking (I'm not a drinker to begin with) and I definitely don't wanna go to the bachelorette party. Clubs and strippers are not my thing. The most of do is the bridal shower (if she has one) the wedding itself and going back home. BH knows I don't drink and I'm not about clubs and strippers, but he's afraid of me carrying on a fling while I'm miles away from him. If he says no to me going to my friend's wedding, then so be it. All I'm asking is how to demonstrate and prove to him that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again, especially in a situation where I'm far away from him.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


BD, there IS no way for you to prove this, except by not going. You see, right now you are a cheater...and cheaters can always find opportunities to cheat. Considering that you have done so , in the past, I'm sure that in your husband's mind , there is a very good chance you will do it again. The only way to regain trust is by putting your husband's feelings first and yourself last. You want to go, don't you? What this thread is all about, is you trying to be a cake eater. You want your husband to trust you again, but you aren't willing to do what it takes to regain that trust. The answer is simple, don't go to the wedding, stay with your husband and work like the devil to be a better person and wife.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> He didn't give me a definitive answer yet. I just want to know what to do if he says yes. Keyword here if. Again if he says no, so be it. I'm not pressuring him in anyway. I came here for advice, not to be bashed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No..he won't give you a definitive answer.
He is looking at what you decide to do.
If you do go, I will tell you this...
He will have less faith in you doing the heavy lifting to fix the mess you created.
Nobody is bashing you..the truth is just that..the truth. Advice works better if it's based on truth.

No one called you names..if anything they are telling you how wrong you may be for deciding to go to a wedding with your BH feeling insecure about you going. It shouldn't be his decision, it should be yours.

I know why..you just want to tell your friend that your BH doesn't want you to go so you don't look like the bad guy.
You can blame it on him.
Otherwise you would have made the decision on your own.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I get the sense that your approach to R is to ask you BS what he needs to get over it, and then if that's nit to unreasonable you pride him with it. 

Sort of a negotiation approach.

What most BS are looking for however is for the WS to put passionate effort into proactively seeking and implementing things to help heal the BS. 

You asked originally about rebuilding trust. Part of helping that trust rebuild is showing through actions that you are deeply invested into the BS and the marriage and are doing everything you can to grow it. That you are trying to exceed expectations, not simply comply with minimum requests.

Trouble is I get the feeling from your posts that your path is to ask him what he wants or will accept and that's the bar you reach for.

And that's not going to be good enough if you want to really fix your marriage and if you want to win him back.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Nobody is bashing you, OP. If you think this is rough, you should ask some of the other FWS's here on TAM, about their threads. 
What we are trying to get you to see, is that this thread shouldn't even be here. You need to radically change your mind-set. If you were a fully remorseful ex-cheater, you should have taken the initiative and begged off from the wedding and never even asked your husband to go. You are an adult, right? Your husband shouldn't have to set your boundaries for you, you should have enough love and respect for your husband to set them , yourself. Until your husband can trust you again, you should not even think about going ANYWHERE,without him. NOR SHOULD YOU WANT TO.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

IMO, Your husband may stop paying attention but he will never fully trust you again, period.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My BIL's SO recently went on a three day trip to an event her son was at, and her exH was there too. My BIL had to work, stay home. Three days with her exH, and he asked her not to go. She did anyway. They are having a real rough patch about that now, even though he doesn't think she cheated on him, ever. however, she's had affairs in her past, so there's plenty of reason for him to think about THAT. 

You need to think about that, too. Just don't go!! It's that simple, really.


----------



## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> He didn't give me a definitive answer yet. I just want to know what to do if he says yes. Keyword here if. Again if he says no, so be it. I'm not pressuring him in anyway. I came here for advice, not to be bashed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently, you didn't come here for advice. If you did, you'd acknowledge that you've already received good advice in spades.

No, it's evident you came here to look for support for your decision to travel alone (which you won't get, because your desire is based on the same selfishness and lack of regard you showed by engaging in an adulterous relationship).

I'm in a similar situation with my wife's travel. I would never tell her what she should or shouldn't do, so selfishly, she takes that as a tacit approval from me. She doesn't realize that every time she erroneously surmises that I "trust" her enough to go on that business trip or travel to see her "girlfriends from high school," it's just another ice pick plunged into the love bucket I carry for her -- and I'm done with patching the bucket.

She's an adult (as are you, presumably). She should know what's right and wrong, and should have developed a strong sense of boundaries by now. 

The very fact that you feel conflicted is a signal that something is wrong; selfish people create conflict by placing their wants and desires above what's best for everyone else.

Your selfishness is creating a conflict you decided to air on a public forum with the hope that other selfish people would back you.

You won't find that here.


----------



## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Please never forget that you chose passing pleasure for yourself and a lifetime of pain, mistrust, doubt, humiliation, mind movies, and a daily struggle to put it behind him, for him.

He will pay a very high price to stay with you.

You seem willing to do what ever it takes and that is good, if you get tired of it, remember this is the life you have chosen for him (and he for himself now).

Have you considered letting him track you on a GPS phone if you go (BTW I hope you don't go). You can send him a pic of where you are and he can call you to see if you are still with your phone.

Communication will be very important if you go. Good luck!


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> I came here for advice, not to be bashed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was thinking as I started reading this thread, as soon as you said you were a wayward, 'oops, here comes the bashing', and as I read on I was surprised and impressed at the responses, no bashing, just answering your posts objectively. It was so refreshing (because often you get a poster or 3 who does just come into a thread only to bash. This hasn't happened for you). And yet you feel bashed! I think this says an awful lot about your thinking and your mindset. 

There has been some great quotes in here, some of the most enlightening I have seen for some time. I have reposted, for I think they deserve to be for the truth they hold. 



Healer said:


> This was my stbxw's "reason" too. None of that "caused" you too cheat. The only thing that caused you to cheat was your own free will.


I think 'free will' is the most pertinent thing I have read as a reason to cheat. And it is so true. It is that, pure and simple. If you have no wish or intention or desire to cheat, it doesn't matter if you have had a few drinks, if you are in a 'situation', you just won't cheat. You will be aware of your boundaries because it is somewhere you don't want to go. You will avoid and remove yourself from a 'situation'. 

And it being purely down to free will is why some do cheat while others don't. 

Those who don't is also down to their free will. Some free will involves care, love, loyalty. While other's is a selfish free will.

And it is your own free will that is at the crux of your problem. The cheating, the wedding issue. 

To cheat on those who have given themselves fully and totally to another, and you bring to them the shattering reality. To find out that it was all one way, and one way only. 



JustGrinding said:


> .....selfish people create conflict by placing their wants and desires above what's best for everyone else.


This is so true. Just as the free will statement. One and the same. Selfish people create their own situation and then moan about the repurcussions. They start with the poor me crap. And we all know people like that don't we.



Madman1 said:


> Please never forget that you chose passing pleasure for yourself..... and a lifetime of pain, mistrust, doubt, humiliation, mind movies, and a daily struggle to put it behind him, for him.
> 
> He will pay a very high price to stay with you.


You chose selfish free will, a passing pleasure, for you. You chose pain (and the rest) for him. 

If you really want to fix your marriage, and make better what you broke, listen to what is actually a very positive thread full of brilliant and spot on advice,


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

That is not easy, you wanted him to go and he couldn't go because of work. You are a bridesmaid to a wedding you can't just opt out if your a bridesmaid and your friend also wants you to be there. The problem is he should have been honest with you if weather or not you should go. And you have done all the right things so far in R. My concern is that is has been a year. I can understand if he doesn't want you to go and it just happened a few months ago, or weeks ago but some time has passed, (although a year is not long). Just expect a lot of back and forth with him and mixed emotions.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If he has not answered yet as to whether he wants you to go or not, it is because he wants to say no and yet feels unreasonable to say so. If he was happy for you to go he would have said so. He wouldn't have to think about it. Accept his silence as the negative it is. And make your decision thus.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If you're so desperate to rebuild trust and forge a new and stronger relationship with your husband why are you even entertaining the possibility of going? What does it say about you that going alone to a wedding away from him is even a possibility for you? I would have ended the reconciliation the moment you asked.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: The fWW and the Aftermath of a PA*



krismimo said:


> That is not easy, you wanted him to go and he couldn't go because of work. You are a bridesmaid to a wedding you can't just opt out if your a bridesmaid and your friend also wants you to be there. The problem is he should have been honest with you if weather or not you should go. And you have done all the right things so far in R. My concern is that is has been a year. I can understand if he doesn't want you to go and it just happened a few months ago, or weeks ago but some time has passed, (although a year is not long). Just expect a lot of back and forth with him and mixed emotions.


2-5 years for a successful R to really take hold. You do realize the second year after D-day is most often the hardest?


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

krismimo said:


> *That is not easy, you wanted him to go and he couldn't go because of work. You are a bridesmaid to a wedding you can't just opt out if your* a bridesmaid and your friend also wants you to be there. *The problem is he should have *been honest with you if weather or not you should go. And you have done all the right things so far in R. My concern is that is has been a year. I can understand if he doesn't want you to go and it just happened a few months ago, or weeks ago but some time has passed, (although a year is not long). Just expect a lot of back and forth with him and mixed emotions.


I disagree entirely. If she genuinely wants recovery then her BS needs and wants are paramount and come first in every facet of her life. Way, way above being the bridesmaid of her best friend.
He shouldn't _have_ to do anything.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Apparently, you didn't come here for advice. If you did, you'd acknowledge that you've already received good advice in spades.
> 
> No, it's evident you came here to look for support for your decision to travel alone (which you won't get, because your desire is based on the same selfishness and lack of regard you showed by engaging in an adulterous relationship).
> 
> ...


Liked, in a big way.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

krismimo said:


> That is not easy, you wanted him to go and he couldn't go because of work. You are a bridesmaid to a wedding you can't just opt out if your a bridesmaid and your friend also wants you to be there. The problem is he should have been honest with you if weather or not you should go. And you have done all the right things so far in R. My concern is that is has been a year. I can understand if he doesn't want you to go and it just happened a few months ago, or weeks ago but some time has passed, (although a year is not long). Just expect a lot of back and forth with him and mixed emotions.


Where's the "I disagree" emoticon?


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

bfree said:


> If you're so desperate to rebuild trust and forge a new and stronger relationship with your husband why are you even entertaining the possibility of going? What does it say about you that going alone to a wedding away from him is even a possibility for you? I would have ended the reconciliation the moment you asked.


:iagree: She really needs to get this point


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

What's the most important relationship in your life?

Is going to the wedding without your husband:
1. A harmful thing to that relationship
2. A neutral thing to that relationship
3. Or a positive thing

If it's not strongly 3, or at least 2 with comfort from him why are you doing it? 

Why are you putting him in the position to look like an ass if he asks you not to go?

20 years from now when you are lying in bed sick, and your husband is taking care of you and wiping up your puke, or you get that scare from the mammogram, or any conceivable scenario you think this friend is going to fly cross country to take care of you?

Yeah it sucks we want to be there for people we care about, but life is largely deciding what is most important to us?

What's most important to you?


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You need to buy him a ticket to go with you on any trip. If he can't go, you can't go. It's that simple. That's now part of the marriage package because you did not know how to adhere to the vows you took with him. He didn't make your marriage a "prison", if you ever feel that way, you did. If you don't like it, divorce him. It's that simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I like how "new people" know every abbreviation.
> 
> As Shadow said, what did you do to earn any trust?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you should give the "new people" a little credit. Maybe they read the "how to use abbreviations" post that is present on almost all the websites dealing with infidelity? TAM is not the only site that uses these abbreviations!


----------



## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> You need to buy him a ticket to go with you on any trip. If he can't go, you can't go. It's that simple. That's now part of the marriage package because you did not know how to adhere to the vows you took with him. He didn't make your marriage a "prison", if you ever feel that way, you did. If you don't like it, divorce him. It's that simple.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

krismimo said:


> *That is not easy, you wanted him to go and he couldn't go because of work. You are a bridesmaid to a wedding you can't just opt out if your a bridesmaid and your friend also wants you to be there.* The problem is he should have been honest with you if weather or not you should go. And you have done all the right things so far in R. My concern is that is has been a year. I can understand if he doesn't want you to go and it just happened a few months ago, or weeks ago but some time has passed, (although a year is not long). *Just expect a lot of back and forth with him and mixed emotions*.


Yes. Thank you! FINALLY somebody that gets where I'm coming from! :smthumbup:

I would love if BH would go with me but part of me thinks that even if he was able to, he still would not be happy going with me. Why I say that? He won't know the people of the wedding except me, the bride and a mutual friend of the bride who is also another bridesmaid at the wedding. BH would be bored, b***h about it and more than likely, make us leave early too because he's unhappy. When I told him about it, he didn't seem too pleased when I said the wedding is (more than likely) going to be held at our hometown (which is several states away). I even told him months ago (to jog his memory) that I agreed to being a BM to my friend's wedding. That still didn't change his attitude towards it. Hell, even long before all that s*** with AP and what not, he never liked the idea of me travelling by myself. After thinking about it, I decided I'll bow out of the wedding and stay home. FYI, he still hasn't given me a definitive answer.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> Yes. Thank you! FINALLY somebody that gets where I'm coming from! :smthumbup:
> 
> I would love if BH would go with me but part of me thinks that even if he was able to, he still would not be happy going with me. Why I say that? He won't know the people of the wedding except me, the bride and a mutual friend of the bride who is also another bridesmaid at the wedding. BH would be bored, b***h about it and more than likely, make us leave early too because he's unhappy. When I told him about it, he didn't seem too pleased when I said the wedding is (more than likely) going to be held at our hometown (which is several states away). I even told him months ago (to jog his memory) that I agreed to being a BM to my friend's wedding. That still didn't change his attitude towards it. Hell, even long before all that s*** with AP and what not, he never liked the idea of me travelling by myself. After thinking about it, I decided I'll bow out of the wedding and stay home. *FYI, he still hasn't given me a definitive answer*.


I wouldn't expect him to and frankly he shouldn't have to. Not going is the correct decision. Tell your H that you thought about it and know that he is uncomfortable with you going. You've decided that he is much more important than your friend's wedding.

BTW, of all posts made why did you grab on to that one. Because it tended to agree with your position? All the other posts including mine told you what you didn't want to hear but you waited until someone posted that supported what YOU wanted. You should think about this for a minute because it really will have a huge bearing on your R going forward.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

bfree said:


> I wouldn't expect him to and frankly he shouldn't have to. Not going is the correct decision. *Tell your H that you thought about it and know that he is uncomfortable with you going. You've decided that he is much more important than your friend's wedding.*
> 
> BTW, of all posts made why did you grab on to that one. Because it tended to agree with your position? All the other posts including mine told you what you didn't want to hear but you waited until someone posted that supported what YOU wanted. You should think about this for a minute because it really will have a huge bearing on your R going forward.


That is what I intend to do. Why I grabbed that one is because that post understood exactly how conflicted I felt about the situation and how to approach it. Why conflicted? Because months ago, I agreed to be a BM in my friend's wedding and at first BH seemed okay with it...until I mentioned that the wedding would be out of town and he couldn't come with me because of work. Along with me wanting to prove that he can trust me and that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again. To me, regardless if he could go or not he wouldn't be happy and it would still be a lose-lose situation between him and me. Which was what made me decided against going to my friend's wedding. It's one thing if I was just a guest at the wedding, I wouldn't feel as conflicted and I would've easily said no. But it's another being that I said yes to being a BM months ago and then suddenly having to reneg and bow out.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

bfree said:


> BTW, of all posts made why did you grab on to that one. Because it tended to agree with your position? All the other posts including mine told you what you didn't want to hear but you waited until someone posted that supported what YOU wanted. You should think about this for a minute because it really will have a huge bearing on your R going forward.


Ya I noticed that too.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> That is what I intend to do. Why I grabbed that one is because that post understood exactly how conflicted I felt about the situation and how to approach it. Why conflicted? Because months ago, I agreed to be a BM in my friend's wedding and at first BH seemed okay with it...until I mentioned that the wedding would be out of town and he couldn't come with me because of work. Along with me wanting to prove that he can trust me and that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again. To me, regardless if he could go or not he wouldn't be happy and it would still be a lose-lose situation between him and me. Which was what made me decided against going to my friend's wedding. It's one thing if I was just a guest at the wedding, I wouldn't feel as conflicted and I would've easily said no. But it's another being that I said yes to being a BM months ago and then suddenly having to reneg and bow out.


Then the lesson you should have learned is to not agree to anything until you have all the details and talk about it with your husband. In this case you should not have agreed to be a BM until you KNEW where the wedding was going to be held AND that your husband could attend with you. Since you say that as soon as you found out it would be out of town he would not be happy whether he went or not THAT should have been the moment you told your friend you wouldn't be able to make it. You need to understand that the status quo in your relationship changed the moment you decided to cheat on your husband. The power balance MUST tip in his favor until he feels 100% comfortable in the relationship again and until his trust level is almost back to where it was pre affair. That process usually takes 2-5 years so keep that in mind before you make any decisions in the future.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> Why conflicted? Because months ago, I agreed to be a BM in my friend's wedding and *at first BH seemed okay with it...until I mentioned that the wedding would be out of town and he couldn't come with me because of work*.


Does this not seem like a bait-and-switch? You agreed to be a bridesmaid without asking him, then he was OK with it but you left out the detail about you having to stay overnight away from him? Given your circumstances, that's a pretty big detail to leave out.

You seem like you're doing what you have to in order to save your marriage. Not that you want to, but you have to. Like duty sex. This whole episode has done nothing to help your reconciliation. He is thinking that you still don't get it. My guess is that in the end you will find a way to go, anyway.

Is there something keeping you in your marriage other than love of your husband? Money, comfortable lifestyle, appearances to family and friends?

Because frankly, if you loved your husband, this whole decision seems like a no-brainer. You live with your husband every day, you took vows with your husband.

Finally, about weddings in general. For the betrayed spouse, they all seem like a joke - watching two other people take essentially the same vows you took while sitting there with the one who broke the vows.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

bfree said:


> Then the lesson you should have learned is to not agree to anything until you have all the details and talk about it with your husband. In this case you should not have agreed to be a BM until you KNEW where the wedding was going to be held AND that your husband could attend with you. Since you say that as soon as you found out it would be out of town he would not be happy whether he went or not THAT should have been the moment you told your friend you wouldn't be able to make it. You need to understand that the status quo in your relationship changed the moment you decided to cheat on your husband. The power balance MUST tip in his favor until he feels 100% comfortable in the relationship again and until his trust level is almost back to where it was pre affair. That process usually takes 2-5 years so keep that in mind before you make any decisions in the future.



I'll admit I was hasty to agree to being a BM in the wedding and that was when I found out she just got engaged too. I'll have to let her down easy that I can't make it. When I first told H, he seemed okay with it until now with these two things: him not being able to go and because it's out of town. I didn't know until recently his work schedule changed and also that around the time she's having the wedding is when his job will be swamped with work.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Does this not seem like a bait-and-switch? You agreed to be a bridesmaid without asking him, then he was OK with it but you left out the detail about you having to stay overnight away from him? Given your circumstances, that's a pretty big detail to leave out.
> 
> You seem like you're doing what you have to in order to save your marriage. Not that you want to, but you have to. Like duty sex. This whole episode has done nothing to help your reconciliation. He is thinking that you still don't get it. My guess is that in the end you will find a way to go, anyway.
> 
> ...


This

After my first wife cheated on me I don't think about weddings the same. Marrying my wife was more for her. Meant very little to me.


----------



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Your old marriage is dead. You blew it up. You now have to rebuild a new marriage. He is never going to trust you fully again. That's the reality. You made the decision to destroy his trust. Earning it back will be ongoing as long as you are together with him. Reality.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blackdiamonds said:


> To me, regardless if he could go or not he wouldn't be happy and it would still be a lose-lose situation between him and me. Which was what made me decided against going to my friend's wedding.


 You did the right thing not going and proved to him that his feelings came before everyone else. He needed to know that.



blackdiamonds said:


> It's one thing if I was just a guest at the wedding, I wouldn't feel as conflicted and I would've easily said no. But it's another being that I said yes to being a BM months ago and then suddenly having to reneg and bow out.


 I understand what you are saying here, and understand that this made it more difficult, but again you did the right thing. The fact that you were not just being asked to be a guest but a BM and still did not go, gave you the opportunity (yes opportunity) to prove to your husband that he is number one in your life. When you look back on this, you will see that missing the wedding was a small thing in your life compared with the benefits gained in helping your husband begin to feel secure in his marriage to you.



blackdiamonds said:


> Along with me wanting to prove that he can trust me and that I won't and don't want to cheat on him again.


 Please stop saying this because on its face it is not true. The reality is that with you being out of state with people that your husband did not know, if you did cheat, the odds of your husband ever finding out would be almost zero, thus him not catching you cheating on this trip would prove nothing to your husband about trusting you. The truth is you have it backwards. By you going, you would not have been proving anything to your husband about you being trustworthy, you were in fact asking him to prove to you that he trusted you enough to let you go. I am not saying this to bash you as I have seen by you not going that you are trying to do the right thing. I am saying this because every time that you say this to your husband, you hurt your efforts to regain your husbands trust, because the statement uses the same false logic that got you into trouble in the first place.

Be well and good luck with your marriage. By not going, without making your husband tell you not to go, you have taken a big step in the right direction.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

blackdiamonds said:


> I'll admit I was hasty to agree to being a BM in the wedding and that was when I found out she just got engaged too. I'll have to let her down easy that I can't make it. When I first told H, he seemed okay with it until now with these two things: him not being able to go and because it's out of town. I didn't know until recently his work schedule changed and also that around the time she's having the wedding is when his job will be swamped with work.


He did tell you no. You know he does not want you to go but you wanted him to be the bad guy and say in no uncertain terms not to go.

What you were doing here is exactly the same process that helped justify the A.

Once he had concerns you need to understand what that means. Do not put him in those situations.

You knew the right thing to do for you H and your M before you even posted.

You need to look into yourself and understand why it was even a question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> Your old marriage is dead. You blew it up. You now have to rebuild a new marriage. He is never going to trust you fully again. That's the reality. You made the decision to destroy his trust. Earning it back will be ongoing as long as you are together with him. Reality.


That is and unfortunately I'm to blame. I have accepted that and I am beyond grateful that he decided for us to go on the path of R.


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

bfree said:


> 2-5 years for a successful R to really take hold. You do realize the second year after D-day is most often the hardest?


Yes I do I have been there, and I do realize what I'm talking about.I never give advice or something I haven't been through myself.


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

jim123 said:


> He did tell you no. You know he does not want you to go but you wanted him to be the bad guy and say in no uncertain terms not to go.
> 
> What you were doing here is exactly the same process that helped justify the A.
> 
> ...


I think if you read her posts and thread, the truth is there. There is a sense of remorse, but also something more. A sense that she regrets the affair, but not too much. Perhaps the chaos it's discovery brought, but a lack of appreciation for the true fallout of it all. 

I think many who read her words and feel a bit of disconnect wrinkle their nose at her comments, like a surgeon in days past smelling a wound that appears to be healing, but detects a scent of rot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I didn't say anything about it is the betrayed spouse fault at all and I'm not saying she should go either all I said was on both parts it is hard if you look at the WHOLE side if the story and not just the parts you pick to talk about I said it is HARD I didn't say to flat out choose because I wasn't sure where her husband stood as far as her going to the wedding... JEEZE!!

Now I'm also not saying that her best friends wedding is more important than her marriage but what I was trying to say was she is a bridesmaid and it is her best friend and she already told her friend that she was not only going to go but also participate. If she was just another guest it might not carry any weight and plus the other thing no one has even asked Black diamonds is if her husband knew ALL this time that she was a bridesmaid and If her bff asked her to be a bridesmaid before the affair or after. 

Last, black diamonds you were wrong for cheating on your husband but the reason why I decide as a person to not jump on you is because you are doing what you needed to do in order to get your marriage back on track and you are here to get advice. I sympathize to a degree sure you made your bed and you have to lie in it but it also sucks that there is a good chance that you can't bet here for your friend either. If your husband doesn't want you to go then don't go.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Stop acting like being a BM in a wedding is such a big deal. You women and the ridiculous importance you put on that crap. So what ? She has what, 5 other women besides you ? You think the guy you were going to walk with gives a crap ?? HE DOESN'T ! 

Have you told tell this woman the REAL reason you have to cancel ?

See, when you've been given a chance for R from a spouse, you don't get to have everything the way it was before you cheated. If you can't understand that, or don't want to deal with that, then do both yourself and your husband a favor and D.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Who's more important right now your friend or your husband?

Who's more important on 5 years?

In 20?

Heck, chances are in 20 you won't even know her anymore.

As for your husband being bored of he went, honestly if say your job would be to make sure he was happy and well taken care of if he went.

You don't seem to naturally see the nonselfish path , only the selfish what you want with no strings attached path. Not a good sign if you want to save your marriage.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You don't seem to naturally see the nonselfish path , only the selfish what you want with no strings attached path. Not a good sign if you want to save your marriage.


:iagree: You cannot R successfully long term with this attitude.


----------



## ianos (Jun 21, 2013)

the quotes are copy paste from you post.

"I'll be (literally) flying solo for a wedding out of town (for one of my girlfriends from high school)"
To me this is a statement not a question.

"He didn't give me a definitive answer yet. I just want to know what to do if he says yes."
"even long before all that s*** with AP and what not, he never liked the idea of me travelling by myself."
Are you even reading what you write?you allready know the answer why you fooling us?
Most likely you want as to help you find an excuse to to convince your H to let you go and i bet 
that if the answers was differnt you might showing him the thread to prove him wrong..

"I went astray was because of the lack of excitement and the fact that we didn't spend a lot of time together "
And flying solo to the wedding will help you to spend more time together with your H? well 
i give up i'm stupid will you be kind enough to explain me how that is going to be?

"I even told him months ago (to jog his memory) that I agreed to being a BM to my friend's wedding"
So you agreed in the first place without asking him first,but you are kind enough at least to let him know
that you are going to be away from home in this specific dates, how nice off you!!!
It's not like you have signed a contract and you going to loose millions if you step back ,your friend will
understand .

"He won't know the people of the wedding except me, the bride and a mutual friend of the bride"
How convenient for you,you can party all night long or even to hook up with someone , after all ,who will tell your H 
about your behavior in the wedding, but then again you just go for the ceremony maybe stay for awhile at the party and then straight to your hotel, you are a good girl now and you don't want to expose yourself in a potential danger or 
create false impressions given your history..
BUT
"BH would be bored, b***h about it and more than likely, make us leave early too because he's unhappy"
So what, you've said "the most of do is the bridal shower (if she has one) the wedding itself and going back home"
looks to me that you have major plans for this evening including party till dawn wich is not bad as long as you stop there,
But as you said 
"was more friends with benefits was because there was no lovey dovey boyfriend girlfriend stuff"
That means you want just sex you don't care with whom as long as he pleases you.
So if a KISA 
"a bit of a charmer/flirt for the male equivalent of a butterface" showing up at the party i think we all know what you'll do
"succumbing to weakness and temptation " and then here we go again
" I didn't intend on pursuing an affair of any kind, but I got caught up in the fog before I knew it "

If you go to the wedding anyway ,your H maybe at last understand a few things about you
in order to deside for his future wich from what i read don't seem to be very bright if he continuous be with you, so my advise is go to the wedding no matter what your H said help him free himshelf from you, after all the things you did to him is the least you can do.
You don't respect your H and don't care about his opinion i thing you are in a wrong path.
That's not the way maried people act ,you should act as couple not as single and you have to ask about and respect the opinion of your H.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

The OP is not going to the wedding. Some that posted to this thread seemed to have missed the fact that starting in post #74 the OP stated that* "After thinking about it, I decided I'll bow out of the wedding and stay home"*.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

This is ridiculous. The OP has taken the advice given and decided to not participate in the wedding. But some posters are here to bash and not to pay attention.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> This is ridiculous. The OP has taken the advice given and decided to not participate in the wedding. But some posters are here to bash and not to pay attention.


I have to admit I've been lazy sometimes and skip some posts resulting in bad advice.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

TRy said:


> The OP is not going to the wedding. Some that posted to this thread seemed to have missed the fact that starting in post #74 the OP stated that* "After thinking about it, I decided I'll bow out of the wedding and stay home"*.


Through the postings of the OP it is pretty obvious the A has been rug sweept and there are still issues.

The OP does not understand what she has done to her H. OP had to be convinced to do what she knew was right.

Only when year from A she was putting her needs first. The justification process she was using is the same a WS uses to justify having an A.

The wedding is the tip of a larger issue. She knew he did not want her to go. That should have been enough if she is remorsefull. It wasn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

jim123 said:


> The justification process she was using is the same a WS uses to justify having an A.


 I addressed this same point to the OP when I stated in part in a previous post that "The truth is you have it backwards. By you going, you would not have been proving anything to your husband about you being trustworthy, you were in fact asking him to prove to you that he trusted you enough to let you go. I am not saying this to bash you as I have seen by you not going that you are trying to do the right thing. I am saying this because every time that you say this to your husband, you hurt your efforts to regain your husbands trust, because the statement uses the same false logic that got you into trouble in the first place." Guess what. The OP liked this post, meaning that she is open to learning from our advice. 

She may still be in the fog, but she is asking us to help her find her way out of it and has proven that she will act on our advice. Please do not drive away someone that is lost and trying to figure our the right thing to do. I am hopeful that if we continue to help instead of bash, that a year from now she will look back on what she first posted here and agree with you.


----------



## ianos (Jun 21, 2013)

TRy said:


> The OP is not going to the wedding. Some that posted to this thread seemed to have missed the fact that starting in post #74 the OP stated that* "After thinking about it, I decided I'll bow out of the wedding and stay home"*.


She knew her H was not ok with that right from the start ,but still she asks to go ,her posts are Conflict and suddenly when she realise that we disagree with her, and only one post was suit her ,she have seen the light , hard to believe it but if it's so i'm happy for her and apologise.
it's not that i don't pay attention but in this one i just find it hard to believe her, maybe i'm incredulous , anyway once again i'm sorry if i've hurt anyone.


----------



## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

I think I might feel a little uncomfortable, too, if I was your husband. Practically, I would want you to go and have a good time. Although I am not tech savvy, I'm sure there is a way with iphones to set tracking on your phone if he wants to see your whereabouts. Perhaps, while your away alone one night, you can shoot a short, enticing video of yourself, just for him.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

ianos said:


> She knew her H was not ok with that right from the start ,but still she asks to go ,her posts are Conflict and suddenly when she realise that we disagree with her, and only one post was suit her ,she have seen the light , hard to believe it but if it's so i'm happy for her and apologise.
> it's not that i don't pay attention but in this one i just find it hard to believe her, maybe i'm incredulous , anyway once again i'm sorry if i've hurt anyone.


Do not be sorry because the underlying issue within her M still exists.

Yes TAM talked her into the right thing. She puts her H and her M second. It will be very easy for her to do this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Legend said:


> I think I might feel a little uncomfortable, too, if I was your husband. Practically, I would want you to go and have a good time. Although I am not tech savvy, I'm sure there is a way with iphones to set tracking on your phone if he wants to see your whereabouts. Perhaps, while your away alone one night, you can shoot a short, enticing video of yourself, just for him.


In post #74 the OP has stated she will not be going to the wedding.

Her betrayed husband may well not want her to "have a good time". I do wonder where you draw your advice from.

iPhones do have tracking, but as the OP's husband would know she was going to the wedding, how would that help matters?

Finally, a "short enticing video" would hardly allay any worries the OP's husband had would it?


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

I already told H that I decided against going to the wedding. From what I gathered, he seemed reassured about it. For those of you that "believe" that I'm not all that remorseful or completely regret my A? Who the hell are you to judge and make assumptions about me?! I am a fWW that came here for advice on a situation I felt conflicted about because I initially agreed (a bit hastily and before DDay) to be a BM to my friend's wedding. H was initially okay about it at first but that changed when he found out he would have to stay home (because of work) and because he didn't seem happy that the wedding would be (more than likely) held out of town. I already know that my PA was wrong, there was no excuse for it and I regret it. If I could, I'd take that back but unfortunately I can't. I can't undo it. But I can still do whatever it takes on my end to make things right with my H and our M.


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

blackdiamonds said:


> I already told H that I decided against going to the wedding. From what I gathered, he seemed reassured about it. For those of you that "believe" that I'm not all that remorseful or completely regret my A? Who the hell are you to judge and make assumptions about me?! I am a fWW that came here for advice on a situation I felt conflicted about because I initially agreed (a bit hastily and before DDay) to be a BM to my friend's wedding. H was initially okay about it at first but that changed when he found out he would have to stay home (because of work) and because he didn't seem happy that the wedding would be (more than likely) held out of town. I already know that my PA was wrong, there was no excuse for it and I regret it. If I could, I'd take that back but unfortunately I can't. I can't undo it. But I can still do whatever it takes on my end to make things right with my H and our M.


BD,

Listen I was cheated on years ago, please don't take it personally your not the first person to get jumped on looking for advice.Cheating is a very touchy subject here and sometimes people cant look at the whole picture you mention cheating and everything else you say goes out the window. This site can offer good advice and not everyone jumps to conclusions or bashes and puts people down because of a choice you made. Although you messed up your doing the right the thing by not only coming here but also asking for advice.There are so many people that have cheated on their spouses and they just leave the other BS to clean up the mess they made. It's not going to easy and your husband has/will go through a lot of different emotions. I wish you and your husband well, it's going to be a very bumpy ride.

Take Care,

Kris.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

krismimo said:


> BD,
> 
> Listen I was cheated on years ago, please don't take it personally your not the first person to get jumped on looking for advice.Cheating is a very touchy subject here and sometimes people cant look at the whole picture you mention cheating and everything else you say goes out the window. This site can offer good advice and not everyone jumps to conclusions or bashes and puts people down because of a choice you made. Although you messed up your doing the right the thing by not only coming here but also asking for advice.There are so many people that have cheated on their spouses and they just leave the other BS to clean up the mess they made. It's not going to easy and your husband has/will go through a lot of different emotions. I wish you and your husband well, it's going to be a very bumpy ride.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

krismimo said:


> BD,
> 
> Listen I was cheated on years ago, please don't take it personally your not the first person to get jumped on looking for advice._*Cheating is a very touchy subject here and sometimes people cant look at the whole picture you mention cheating and everything else you say goes out the window.*_ This site can offer good advice and not everyone jumps to conclusions or bashes and puts people down because of a choice you made. _*Although you messed up your doing the right the thing by not only coming here but also asking for advice.There are so many people that have cheated on their spouses and they just leave the other BS to clean up the mess they made. It's not going to easy and your husband has/will go through a lot of different emotions. I wish you and your husband well, it's going to be a very bumpy ride*_.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Kris! :smthumbup:


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Your are welcome BD, another way to ask questions too is you can PM certain people you feel comfortable with asking questions and talking about certain things with it out being taken out of context. At least your here right? And remember the old saying.... when someone assumes something they make an.......you know the rest.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

BD,
I think the reason that you are getting disbelief about your remorse as regret truthfulness is that you seem to be able to justify things by stating that your H is fine with things and your decisions. What you need to remember is that you need to start thinking about your H first. Not committing to decisions prior to involving and informing him of future plans and dealings. Just because he is saying he is fine with something may not be the total truth. Just as you told him what he wanted to hear when he suspected that you might be cheating and broached the subject to you, he might be telling you what he thinks you want to hear when you ask him things. The truth and bond between you two is gone and will need to be rebuilt before either one can say what the other thinks or believes with any certainty (even if it is just repeating what was just told to them). Think about him first and don't even give a second thought to others in the meantime until the relationship is repaired and healed. Show him you think about him and his concerns/ feelings before considering any one else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> BD,
> I think the reason that you are getting disbelief about your remorse as regret truthfulness is that you seem to be able to justify things by stating that your H is fine with things and your decisions. What you need to remember is that you need to start thinking about your H first. Not committing to decisions prior to involving and informing him of future plans and dealings. Just because he is saying he is fine with something may not be the total truth. Just as you told him what he wanted to hear when he suspected that you might be cheating and broached the subject to you, he might be telling you what he thinks you want to hear when you ask him things. The truth and bond between you two is gone and will need to be rebuilt before either one can say what the other thinks or believes with any certainty (even if it is just repeating what was just told to them). Think about him first and don't even give a second thought to others in the meantime until the relationship is repaired and healed. Show him you think about him and his concerns/ feelings before considering any one else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has stated this already over and over and over and over. She is not going to the wedding all she wanted was some advice and she had every right to go off because it was taken a bit too far.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

krismimo said:


> She has stated this already over and over and over and over. She is not going to the wedding all she wanted was some advice and she had every right to go off because it was taken a bit too far.


She has only recently stated she wasn't going. She has stated several times that she was thinking about not going upon recommendations given here but has never fully committed to that decision until recently. I don't know why you quote my response as I never stated anything about her going or not, but about her making decisions without involving her H before committing, which was the whole point of my post, that she needs to think about her H first and put him first, and that is to include future planning. Without this type of thinking and reacting, it appears to others that she is not remorseful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

It really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks especially if they are assuming don't get me wrong there is a good advice here but it's how you talk to people too. If she knows that she is remorseful and her husband knows that she is remorseful than that itself is enough.


----------

