# Why can't some CS's talk about their affairs?



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I am looking for insight from CS's but I will listen any thoughts you may have.

The main obstacle in my marriage recovery still seems to be my wife's inability to talk about her affair. I feel the rest of our recovery is going OK. We seem to be able to talk about everything else but this. I feel it is important for me to hear it from her…in her words, what happened and why it happened.

The vast majority of what I know about her affair I learned from my detective work and the OM's wife. Over the last 6 months she has gave me bits and pieces...like a puzzle that I have to put together. She still seems to shut down whenever I bring it up and I will get very little. Her mood completely changes and suddenly she can't seem to look me in the eyes. She has said "Why do you want to know" and "Why can't you just forget it".

My story aside, here are some general questions I have:

Is this common for some CS's not to want to discuss their affair after the BS already knows most of the story?

Why is this so hard for them to talk about?

Are they afraid of making things worse if they talk about it?

Could it be shame or embarrassment that prevents her from talking about it?

Is this a compartmentalization of the affair?

Could they be trying to forget what they did…suppressing it or some type of personal denial?

Should they be given an ultimatum/time limit, to discuss this?

Does a BS really need to hear this from the CS or is it possible to move forward in marriage recovery without it?

Should we let this get in the way of our recovery?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you mean DS. Maybe she feels ashamed. If you want her to be more open about it tell her how important it is for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Convey to her that in order for you to begin to trust her, NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING has to be hidden between the two of you. Let her know that without knowing why it happened in the first place, you cannot feel safe that it can happen again.

But be warned, if you ask for graphic details you may end up regretting it. Many LS (loyal spouses) have suffered from greatly enhanced mental movies because of them. So unless you are ready to handle them, do not go there.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

CS...Cheating Spouse?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

She is a classic conflict avoider. She internalizes her feelings…that is what got us into this mess to begin with. She can also be stubborn and selfish.

I'm not sure if she actually understands her own reluctance to talk about it.

I have many months of messages between her and the OM from during their affair. The OM's wife sent them to me…painful stuff all in chronological order. It does give me a window into their affair with perhaps too much detail…certainly more than I wanted to know. My point is that I already know a lot. All I am asking her for is the 1000 foot view and why she did it. She knows I already have all of the ammo would need if my goal was recrimination.

She has told me that she feels ashamed for who she became during her affair. She even said that she was one of those people who hated cheating. She is afraid that our children or relatives or will find out. I am speculating that shame and even embarrassment has a lot to do with it. She cannot look at me when it I try to talk about it…no eye contact. It is very noticeable…like flipping a switch. She just stares at the floor sometimes she looks agitated. I think she wants to just forget it ever happened or at least wants me to forget it ever happened…compartmentalization? She has asked "why I want to know" and also "why can't I just forget it". I have also noticed that when I try to talk about it she becomes distant until the next day. It seems to drive her away emotionally. Usually the next day she is back to normal but she hold back and waits for me to make the first move in terms of conversation and affection.

I need to hear, in her words, what happened and why. This will help me to trust her again. Maybe it will help me to understand. She is doing a lot of things right to regain my trust but I feel this is very important. I think hearing herself tell the story maybe she will realize something about herself and take ownership for her actions in some way. It could be like stripping down and looking in a mirror. You can't hide and you are forced to see all of your flaws and acknowledge them. Also, not hearing this from her is causing me to be reluctant to give 100% to our recovery because I feel, with her lack of admission, she is not as well.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Worst case - the affair is continuing.

fyi...we often use "WS" - for "Wayward Spouse."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She needs to realize that this A has to be blown wide open with a full blown discussion #1 help you heal, #2 learn from it.

In my case I worked with only asking one question an day and gave her the day to think about, knowing very wel that I was going to want it addressed that evening.

She is shamed and embarressed so it hard for her to talk about the evil she did. But along with that there are consequences that she needs to face and one of them is facing this sh~t head on.

Be careful, can you validate her recommitment to the marriage by doing your own investigation quitely? Often the R is fake with continued contact with MC.

As far as your list of questions I say yes to all of them, having been there and having a very open dialog with my WW..............she also agrees.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

To me a reluctance to talk about it indicates a lack of having taken true ownership of what you've done. Like if I don't talk about it it didn't happen. Post D Day I wanted to talk to my wife about my EA - I wanted her to know that I was willing to and I wanted to know that she was working through it and dealing with it. 

Once you've taken full ownership of something what's not to talk about? Especially if you know it will help your spouse who you supposedly love and have recommitted to? I'm not saying she should take out a billboard or volunteer to talk about infidelity at a church group, but if she owns it she should be able to discuss it with you. 

My only advice to you would be to make it as non confrontational as you can. Seek only to understand, not to judge or to punish as much as possible. I can imagine that the urge to scream, condemn, and berate when discussing an affair with a wayward spouse is overwhelming, but other than venting it doesn't accomplish much towards working through things together.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Maybe you can tell her the "worst" of what you know, so that she's not fearful of letting out further details?... of course she feels shame and embarassment. YES, the WS can often totally and fully compatrtmentalize their affair... I'gve had this discussion dozens and dozens of times with my WW, that I just cannot comprehend how she put her "good real life" aside so willingly to do what she did when she was with the OM... she explains repeatedly that it was this totally separate experience where her real life practically didn' exist. It was never a replacement for her real life, just a separate thing that happened from time to time, totally removed from her real life. And she is ashamed of it.

I'd be concerned about her lacking willingness to talk about it indepth, as I dont feel you can really recover until she owns it and can discuss it in real terms. I am guessing she is most ashamed to admit how deeply "in love" she felt (maybe still feels?) with her AP....perhaps even cant come to grips that she never felt that way about you, and desn't want to admit to it? Whatever it is, there is something she is uncomfortable discussing or revealing, and she is missing a golden opportunity that many WS wish they got from the BS.........perhaps she should know this, too.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Do not let up on the issue if it is important to you for reconciliation. If she cannot communicate clearly her actions; please assume she is still lying to you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sigma1299 said:


> To me a reluctance to talk about it indicates a lack of having taken true ownership of what you've done. Like if I don't talk about it it didn't happen. Post D Day I wanted to talk to my wife about my EA - I wanted her to know that I was willing to and I wanted to know that she was working through it and dealing with it.
> 
> Once you've taken full ownership of something what's not to talk about? Especially if you know it will help your spouse who you supposedly love and have recommitted to? I'm not saying she should take out a billboard or volunteer to talk about infidelity at a church group, but if she owns it she should be able to discuss it with you.
> 
> My only advice to you would be to make it as non confrontational as you can. Seek only to understand, not to judge or to punish as much as possible. I can imagine that the urge to scream, condemn, and berate when discussing an affair with a wayward spouse is overwhelming, but other than venting it doesn't accomplish much towards working through things together.


I agree...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for clearing up the CS thing. Usually everyone says DS *disloyal spouse*.

Anyway I agree with CJ--if this is ijportant to you, let her know what you need in order to get THROUGH this and feel you are satisfied with her helpin gprovide the info you need in order to restor eyour marriage.

I did not go into nitty gritty details with my exH cause he didn't ask but I did answer the things he asked. I asked for a lot of detail from when he cheated and deeply regret knowing everything. In the moment, I just *had* to know. But hindsight is 20/20. If I could go back I would have just asked basic questions: who/how/why/when and not details. Because the details are now burned into my brain for all times.

But I digress--tell her it will help you.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I agree on the details. I am only asking her for the outline of the affair and why it happened although I do have a short list of questions that I need answered. 

The messages that the OM's wife sent me were excruciating to read…so much detail. The OM's wife had hacked into OM's computer and saved many months of messages between them…all in chronological order in PDF files. So I have very complete conversations and day to day exchanges….not just random messages. I only read them through once. It took a long time to read them all…days. I could only handle so much at a time and I would have to walk away from the screen and recompose myself.

Now that I know too much detail…I can't forget it. One of the problems I am having is that it is obvious that she treated him differently them me. She seemed to be much more uninhibited in their conversations. They would also discuss what they had done together and set up dates. It seems that she was also more uninhibited with him physically as well. This is ironic because she seems to have become, during her affair, more like she was early in our relationship. This especially hurts because I never lost desire for her. She was the one who started to disconnect after she met him.

What do you do with this much detail now that it is part of you and their affair? 

I can't help but use this knowledge to compare and contrast her affair with our marriage and post affair recovery. Am I wrong to do this? 

I become frustrated and sometimes feel that I am not getting the same attention, passion and effort that he got. I don't feel that I deserve anything less…I certainly deserve much more. I realize that she was in the fog at the time and her brain was riding the Dopamine wave. The problem for me is I know what she is capable of now and I expect that in our relationship. I feel like she is fine to just go back to the marriage we had before he came along.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Decimated said:


> I become frustrated and sometimes feel that I am not getting the same attention, passion and effort that he got. I don't feel that I deserve anything less…I certainly deserve much more. I realize that she was in the fog at the time and her brain was riding the Dopamine wave. The problem for me is I know what she is capable of now and I expect that in our relationship. I feel like she is fine to just go back to the marriage we had before he came along.


man u deserve better u r the good guy here u didn't cheat she did 

sit her down and tell her everything in ur mind and if she get mad remind her she is the WS and she have to win u back and she isn't make good job right now and this affects u and ur reconciliation 

man put the rules for this u deserve it


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Why do you feel you need her to do this? And why now?

I've been exactly where you are and I still find myself there from time to time. But I can tell you that when I do find myself there it's because I want some sort of validation from her. It's because I'm feeling weak and I want her to prop me up by showing me that she thinks I am worthy of her. But in reality, I've been through Hell. She put me through it. I survived. I don't need her support. I am strong. Far stronger than I would have thought.

If our wives were strong people they would not have taken the paths that they did. That weakness also shows up in avoiding the past. While I see my wife making progress in that area (and that's the important part), I realize it is not an easy thing to do. Nor is a quick transformation. Until then, at least for me, I've set my boundaries as to what I will and will not accept and I stand on my own two feet. Ultimately, yes, I think the continuation of our marriage requires my wife to face her past because, like you, I don't think our old relationship is enough. I want a stronger, more open, healthier marriage than we had. But it does it have to be today or tomorrow? I'm willing to invest time in it.

I'm not saying that this is the way it should be for you. But I do think you need to understand why you feel the need for her to do this. And what you're willing to accept for now.


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