# Emotional support for yourself



## calldormant (Nov 17, 2013)

I want to know what the dudes here (I am man, mid 30s) use for emotional support internally without relying on any external support. I find sometimes I have been deeply affected by something emotionally, then get into negative behaviors that harden into habit to avoid mental anguish and I will only realise this when these habits take up all my energy which I could have put to use towards progressing in my life or to actually be happy instead of being in a constant state of anxiety. Habits have been - porn addiction (now over and has been for a while), obsessing about a hobby, surfing the net endlessly. Anything to use a distraction without getting stuck into doing something constructive.

Examples are:
- being rejected at work for a training course -> become mildly passive aggressive but only realising 6 months down the line that I am stuck and take some action about it.
- Being rejected in dating (yrs and yrs ago) and thinking many bad things about myself, my self worth and how I will never find the love I want. Again this took many years to overcome and I held views about women that were not true (although in some cases they are).
- Failing at studies and never having the gumption to start something difficult again.
- I had a bad injury when working when I was young and never took the effort to become as fit as I was pre-injury bc of the pain the injury caused. When I know physically I could have been a lot more active.
etc etc

I have many things (issues?) that I want to work on in my life. Some concern my marriage (such as sexlessness, communication, happiness of my wife) and others are not (my career, fitness, studies, seeking spiritual satisfaction - or at least working on it).

I am want to know myself:
- When to support yourself intrinsically without outside guidance.
- When to push yourself internally so that you can achieve a goal. Sometimes I only know that I should have put more effort into something when it is close to failing.

Basically I want to manage my emotional well being so that I will be:
- Happier
- More productive
- I can focus on doing things that will be more connected to my wife

I want to know how do this internally without relying on anyone, because I genuinely feel I can't talk about these things with other people. I don't feel men in general have the emotional support they require (or at least would them more happy). Men are looked down upon if they seek help within their own circle. For me this includes my wife, my best friend or other close friends. If I were to talk to my wife it would just end up in arguments.

I know I can actually talk to my best friend or a small grp of other close male friends about this but I would rather not. And anyway I want to be able to work on this myself and be able to rely on myself.

I have been to counselling re studies, but it really didn't help much in the long term. I didn't ask the questions then that I have now.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I have two things.... I have two totally anonymous friends who've never met me in real life, and I talk to them COMPLETELY honestly... it helps to no have a mask that you hide behind.

the second, is that things won't change until you decide they will. once you actually decide, what's happened in the past doesn't matter. it sounds ridiculous, but every big thing I've survived or done started with me telling myself internally "I'm going to____"
if I'm having problems with something, my coping strategy is what I call "one foot in front of the other" 
don't focus on more than the immediate thing you need to do next, and then do it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Interesting question.

I think you are on the right path , one of self discovery.

I've never really given any serious thought to the question until I read your post.
Interestingly enough, All the disappointments you've listed , I've gone through them and even much more, in my personal life..
Basically I tend not to take things personally.
I know my intrinsic value, what I think of myself and there's absolutely noting anyone can do to make me feel differently.
Many have tried , lol, even here on TAM , but I just ignore.
The only things that can reach me are those which I allow in / accept as truth.
Maybe part of your dilemma is defining exact what is real from what is projected towards you from people with negative energy.

One of my personal man code of conduct is that I _NEVER_ fraternise with negative people , or people with dark energy.
By negative , I don't mean people who piss me off or people who may have some bad habits or have been dealt a bad experience that shape their outlook.
But there are people who are deceitful and wicked, they love mischief and are unable to keep honest friends, because by nature, they are dishonest.
They are like a black hole , venture too close to them and they suck you into their world of darkness. They are like an emotional vortex , draining all of your positive energy. They are only capable of seeing bad things. But what they are actually doing is projecting their negativity and self hatred to you.
They are selfish and only take, take, take.
Avoid such people , _be very careful of the people whom you allow into your inner sanctum. _They can affect your self worth.
You might not always have someone whom you can talk to and who understands you the way you want to be understood. It is imperative that you know yourself, talk to yourself, validate yourself when you do good, and above all, again, KNOW YOURSELF.

Whenever I face disappointments and failure , I just dust myself off analyze what happened and go again, maybe try a different approach, whatever. 
But a failure on my part is _never_ a reflection of my self worth.
And it doesn't matter how many times I've failed.


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## calldormant (Nov 17, 2013)

Thanks soulsearch. Focusing on what is at hand and breaking it down helps. 

I am concerned long term about how to rectify this pattern I am seeing in myself.



Caribbean Man said:


> You might not always have someone whom you can talk to and who understands you the way you want to be understood. It is imperative that you know yourself, talk to yourself, validate yourself when you do good, and above all, again, KNOW YOURSELF.
> 
> Whenever I face disappointments and failure , I just dust myself off analyze what happened and go again, maybe try a different approach, whatever.
> But a failure on my part is _never_ a reflection of my self worth.
> And it doesn't matter how many times I've failed.


I always had trouble fitting in. I came from another country when I was young and had heaps of trouble fitting in, so I think I have this tendency to take negative sentiments to heart too much.

I can relate to negativity at work. There are some people who are truly not happy and give back lots of negativity.

Thanks for your input, I appreciate and am digesting what you are explaining. Particularly the point about self worth and failure.

This is some other stuff I found useful.

Men and emotions; men and feelings. Your Q's answered by emotional intelligence coach, Rachel Green - YouTube

Men—Stop Going to Women for All of your Emotional Support. ~ Owen Marcus | elephant journal


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interesting question.
> 
> I think you are on the right path , one of self discovery.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 1000% Caribbean Man. Very well said. I believe this in my heart and follow all of what you listed above. It is always better to be positive, happy, and fill my life with positive people. I too stay away from the negative ones. I always try to learn from my mistakes and keep looking forward instead of looking back over my shoulder. Yesterday is gone. We have today to live for and focus on, and we can smartly plan for tomorrow with some effort. I am teaching my son the same thing. :smthumbup:


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## calldormant (Nov 17, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> You might not always have someone whom you can talk to and who understands you the way you want to be understood. It is imperative that you know yourself, talk to yourself, validate yourself when you do good, and above all, again, KNOW YOURSELF.
> 
> Whenever I face disappointments and failure , I just dust myself off analyze what happened and go again, maybe try a different approach, whatever.
> But a failure on my part is _never_ a reflection of my self worth.
> And it doesn't matter how many times I've failed.


This is odd because I typed along reply yesterday but it's gone missing. 

Anyways, thanks for the replies soulseeker and Caribean Man. I have take things to heart since I was young because I tried to fit in very hard as my family migrated from another country and I was adapting to a new culture.

Recognizing and keeping away from negative ppl is vital. I can handle it now at work, but was not so aware when I was young - kind of like peer pressure, I just knew to keep away from the heavy stuff like gangs and drugs. And bc of naivety I took some negative ppls comments and actions to heart, particularly some of the "cool" girls in high school. To think back on how moronic some of those girls were and how it affected is sad, bc some of those girls were idiots to begin with. I have got sidetracked here.

I'm still surprised at work when negative manipulating ppl try to control others, because amongst adults particularly functioning adults would see the cynical actions of such ppl easily.

I think more importantly self worth and failure is very important to separate. I feel for a lot of dudes this is not something they even know about. It can really affect you emotionally when you least expect it because you have been unaware of it. I know it has certainly affected me and only now, years later I can I see its effects.

Some other stuff I found helpful. The video is cheesy to begin with but gets better.

Men and emotions; men and feelings. Your Q's answered by emotional intelligence coach, Rachel Green - YouTube

At points this seems like a plug for a male counselor but it has some good points.
Men—Stop Going to Women for All of your Emotional Support. ~ Owen Marcus | elephant journal


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