# Eaten Alive by Stress



## mattmurdock84 (Mar 28, 2014)

Hello everyone. My name is Matt, and recently my wife decided to move in with her friend. We've been having problems for years (financial, emotional, etc.) and this was supposed to be an attempt to either figure it out or end it. It's been two weeks now, and I've had my ups and downs, but these past couple of days have been horrible. I'll lay out the basics: The main reason she left is because my brother (our roommate) moved his girlfriend into our house and I didn't say anything. Admittedly, that was stupid on my part. But I probably wouldn't have felt so obligated to let him do it if we weren't borrowing money from him all the time to get by. That's the whole crux. I wish I could just say "I won't let my family come between us again if you promise to be more responsible with our money." But it doesn't seem as simple as that. We're still seeing each other every other day or so, but I have these incredible feelings of insecurity and jealousy--last night I got the distinct feeling that she was with someone else while I was talking to her, because she wouldn't tell me she loved me when I got off the phone--I waited a minute for her to fill it in, but eventually I said it and she said it back. She's not wanted to talk or hang out the past couple of days, even though she's not acting upset. She says she needs some time to herself because work has been hard. I've noticed she wears her wedding ring about half the time I see her, and I swear I think she puts it on when she's expecting me and has it off the rest of the time. She wouldn't kiss me when I came to her workplace to see her (not an issue in the past, ever), and I'm afraid there's someone there she's involved with. I know that I'm being kind of insane about all this, but it's seriously eating me alive. I don't know how much more of this uncertainty and pain that I can stand. Please, does anyone have any advice?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

mattmurdock84 said:


> Hello everyone. My name is Matt, and recently my wife decided to move in with her friend. We've been having problems for years (financial, emotional, etc.) and this was supposed to be an attempt to either figure it out or end it. It's been two weeks now, and I've had my ups and downs, but these past couple of days have been horrible. I'll lay out the basics: The main reason she left is because my brother (our roommate) moved his girlfriend into our house and I didn't say anything. Admittedly, that was stupid on my part. But I probably wouldn't have felt so obligated to let him do it if we weren't borrowing money from him all the time to get by. That's the whole crux. I wish I could just say "I won't let my family come between us again if you promise to be more responsible with our money." But it doesn't seem as simple as that. We're still seeing each other every other day or so, but I have these incredible feelings of insecurity and jealousy--last night I got the distinct feeling that she was with someone else while I was talking to her, because she wouldn't tell me she loved me when I got off the phone--I waited a minute for her to fill it in, but eventually I said it and she said it back. She's not wanted to talk or hang out the past couple of days, even though she's not acting upset. She says she needs some time to herself because work has been hard. I've noticed she wears her wedding ring about half the time I see her, and I swear I think she puts it on when she's expecting me and has it off the rest of the time. She wouldn't kiss me when I came to her workplace to see her (not an issue in the past, ever), and I'm afraid there's someone there she's involved with. I know that I'm being kind of insane about all this, but it's seriously eating me alive. I don't know how much more of this uncertainty and pain that I can stand. Please, does anyone have any advice?


If I were you, I would find out for sure. Your method for doing that might be different then mine (I would spy). I'm not going to sugar coat it, but if its true that she is seeing someone else then it will absolutely destroy you. But at the very least you can pick up the pieces and move on with your life and not live in limbo like you are doing now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't know if your wife is seeing someone else or not, obviously. First thing I'd do is check cell phone records, if you can. Or even bank statements. 

But more importantly, you need to do some serious figuring out of what changes you need to do to be a better husband. If not for her, for wife 2.0. Btw, I'm not trying to imply all the issues were on your side. You should also be thinking of what changes you need to see to make reconciling worthwhile. But you can really only change your actions. And you're the one here looking for advice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

She is either using the separation to facilitate an affair or she is actively looking for an affair while keeping you on the back burner. She is not sure what she wants and you are enough of a pushover for her to abuse you in this way. You could just go right out and ask if you she is having an affair? Is she a good liar? 

Spying is also an option but it takes an enormous amount of energy and some money to do well and the fact that she is now living apart gives you a huge disadvantage and to do so would probably significantly break the law.

Here is what has worked for me in past relationships.

1. Take a hard look at yourself and where you might be screwing up your marriage. Are you working? Are you very needy? A pushover for whatever she wants? Play video games all day long and do not shower, drug habit ect... These are all your problems to fix. Fix them now. Don't apologize for them but show her you can be different.

2. Give her a end point for the separation such that if she is still undecided, you will be decisive for both of you. Tell her that you love her, but that every week you spend apart in this way damages your feelings for her in a way that is slow to recover. Tell her, "Their will be permanent consequences to my feelings if this continues, and I don't see this going on past x Date." Important point: Since you have been such a pushover, she won't believe you and this won't change her but this statement is for you. 

3. Spend the time between now and your appointed dooms day doing two things: One, being the best husband you can be and working on the marriage. Two, internalizing every ****ty thing she does to you and let yourself emotionally hold her accountable for these things as a reflection of how much she really cares about you. By the time you reach your doomsday date, you will either have become closer, or she will have damaged your affection for her such that making the right choice for the both of you will be well in hand, dry eyes and a stern but optimistic view for your own future.

Also, You might need NMMNG.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

NMMNG and do the 180.....quit talking to her, let her come to you....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hit the gym hard. Do the 180. Don't call her. When she calls let her talk. Listen. Repeat what she says back to her to show that you get it. Do not argue or discuss.

You need to show that your life will go on. No neediness or begging. Don't say I love you unless she does. 

Get your phone records so you can see if she is text or calling some other guy.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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