# Why does my husband NOT like intercourse?



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

I am very perplexed by the fact that my husband always prefers oral sex over intercourse. (And even that's not very often!) He claims he has had issues with erectile dysfunction; however, he has now lost quite a bit of weight and everything seems to be "working" properly.

This issue, however, goes way back, and I honestly wonder if he ever really enjoyed that form of sex. He, of course, denies it, but then why aren't we engaging in it? What guy doesn't like intercourse??!!

Your opinions would be greatly appreciated! Thank you, in advance!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I suppose there are as many possible 'answers' to this as there are people.

What does 'way back' mean? You have never had a steady diet of vanilla (or any other) form of intercourse? Steady meaning.... Oh I dont know.. once a month? (just setting the bar low here...)


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I think you'll find that a great number of men don't appear to like intercourse...my man is one of them and I feel your pain.

I'll be following this post for tips...


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I think you'll find that a great number of men don't appear to like intercourse...my man is one of them and I feel your pain.
> 
> I'll be following this post for tips...


yikes. 'great number'? Gads - I dont think *I* know any! But then again - its not like I ask them I guess. Sort of a given in my book.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Weren't we just talking about this. At last you won't hear how it's your fault and that you need to get in tune with him and all that jazz. Watch the empathy and sympathy roll in. Not trying to hijack your post, it's just that there was a debate about what you're experiencing in a recent thread. Hope you sort it out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he likes the tightness of your mouth compared to your vagina.

Maybe he likes BJs because he doesn't have to work that much.

If your sex life consists SOLELY of BJs, I'd nip that quickly. It's a selfish sex life on his part. You have a body with needs too.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Weren't we just talking about this. At last you won't hear how it's your fault and that you need to get in tune with him and all that jazz. Watch the empathy and sympathy roll in. Not trying to hijack your post, it's just that there was a debate about what you're experiencing in a recent thread. Hope you sort it out.


Yes, our marriage has been going through a lot of issues as of lately (or, I should say, certain issues have finally forced us to examine our very unhealthy marriage), but this is where it all started .... the intimacy pretty much stopped seven years ago (no intercourse, and minimal oral), and we're trying to get it back. 

The fact is, I honestly don't think he cares for intercourse, and so I felt that by asking this particular question, I may get some helpful feedback.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i dont know how he couldnt like it unless there is some type of problem.

myself, i like intercourse first, giving oral, then third would be receiving
oral.
getting oral is a great thing but for me its 3rd place.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I suppose there are as many possible 'answers' to this as there are people.
> 
> What does 'way back' mean? You have never had a steady diet of vanilla (or any other) form of intercourse? Steady meaning.... Oh I dont know.. once a month? (just setting the bar low here...)


We're going on almost seven years without intercourse. This may seem unbelievable, but sadly, it's absolutely true.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> We're going on almost seven years without intercourse. This may seem unbelievable, but sadly, it's absolutely true.


What have you done to fix it? What started it?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Weren't we just talking about this. At last you won't hear how it's your fault and that you need to get in tune with him and all that jazz. Watch the empathy and sympathy roll in. Not trying to hijack your post, it's just that there was a debate about what you're experiencing in a recent thread. Hope you sort it out.


Actually, she does need to realize what needs of his she's not meeting. Stop being so bitter lol. 

Seeing that it's been 7 years, I honestly don't know if it's a needs thing or just a libido/hormonal thing or...cheating?

Not sure. But, even men whose wives hate sex get empathy from me...still doesn't change the fact that they have to figure out the problem and not just sit there and complain about it.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> We're going on almost seven years without intercourse. This may seem unbelievable, but sadly, it's absolutely true.


Well now.

I must say, that's quite a situation you have there.

How do the 2 of you get along otherwise? Are you close? Comfortable? Simply room mates? Do you do anything together or share common interests? How are things besides sex? 

Has your sex life changed much since when you were dating... how long ago was that? Medications? How old-ish are you folks?

You are going to have to flesh out some details here before I think anyone might be able to give you any meaningful feedback I suspect. Probably a long story, and there may be no easy quick answers... but hashing it out may point you towards some places to start?


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Well now.
> 
> I must say, that's quite a situation you have there.
> 
> ...


He's a wonderful, wonderful man and we have a fabulous relationship, but that's exactly how it feels .... more of a "roommate" type of marriage. It's hard to remember back 19 years (2 years dating and 17 years married), but our sex life seemed to be normal. Not super, but normal. It's been the last seven years, though, that have concerned me, and the last three have been the most difficult/lonely for me.

This is where I just find things rather odd. He's 47 and I'm 39, and the two things that he continues to say are, "I peeked 30 years ago, and this is what happens when you've been married 17 years."

He's not having nor has ever had an affair. Pornography, however, has been an issue since day one, but he claims that has nothing to do with it. The porn is an entirely different problem in our marriage, but let's pretend he's right in saying it has nothing to do with our lack of intimacy. The question remains, then .... is it abnormal for him to not be interested in intercourse? Like I said, we are intimate in other ways. It doesn't happen often enough, though, and when it does, it's always oral.

My quest for answers is driven by the counseling sessions that I am now partaking in. As we continue to discuss my marriage and its survival, I wonder if I should simply appreciate (because I really, really do!!!) what I have in my husband (a wonderful friend, a wonderful provider) and learn to live in our contented "roommate" type of marriage, or is the loneliness that I'm feeling legitimate? Am I right in needing/wanting more, or is this what happens the longer a couple is married? I guess I just feel that a physical relationship is so crucial; that "connection" so important. That part of a relationship, I feel, needs to be nurtured throughout the marriage, and this is where the problem lies within my marriage. My husband is very content with how things are, but I very much miss the physical aspects.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Is there any chance he's gay?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

tigger01;556109
Pornography said:


> yep, pretend it has nothing to do with the lack of intimacy.
> 
> if he is watching that but not engaging with you, it is a very big problem and probably has very much to do with the problem.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

We've been married for 19, and we lived together for 5 years before that. I'm 47, she 45. My hunch is that your situation it not all that typical, but I could be wrong. We have sex about 3-4 times a week - I don't say that to make you feel bad you should NOT think the grass is greener - but simply to say that yeah, 49 or so isnt automatically the end of sex. We are all different though.

The problem, I think, with lack of regular, fulfilling sex is that it sort of feeds off itself and pretty soon you have your 'new normal' - and maybe thinking 'how the hell did we wind up here' when suddenly you blink and 5 years have gone by and you don't even know how to find your way back. Sex accumulates bonding too - you know this - its more than a physical release ... again, your brain gets used to it... and it slowly changes your connection to your spouse. Without it - you drift.

Have you tried a vibrator or something to at least take the edge off while you figure this out?

I'm wondering what I would feel like if my wife said something like 'this isn't working for me. I need more than just giving you oral.". I would feel like a total loser. I bet he is well aware of how you feel and maybe unable - either physically or emotionally to get there. Sounds like you have a reasonably stable relationship and I'd be inclined to take his repeated comments largely at face value.. Does it sound like resignation to you or bitterness, anger or defeat, acceptance?

I think that you both have traded even some dialogue over it Is good. Is it only you on counseling or is it both of you?

Also.. A constant diet of porn, I believe, can foster something like an oral fixation into an actual fetish, where you would have a hard time getting aroused without reliving that particular situation... But that's just me. I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on the Internet. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I used to prefer oral - but by prefer I mean we did it 50% of the time.

No intercourse for that long is a problem (as you seem to already know!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> yep, pretend it has nothing to do with the lack of intimacy.
> 
> if he is watching that but not engaging with you, it is a very big problem and probably has very much to do with the problem.


Thank you!! That's what I have said all along! We've argued over this topic time and time again, and frankly, I'm tired of it! His comeback is always, "What do you think I do .... watch porn every chance I get?" And he always seems to throw this one is as well, "I may have accumulated a lot (of DVDs), but they just sit there."

Yes, I know that many guys watch porn, but when it's robbing your marriage of the intimacy it deserves, there is a serious problem. That "problem" has been present in our marriage for far too long. I see it/feel yet, yet he doesn't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have no sex life. He has a sex life, but sadly, you don't. You are just there to pleasure him. You deserve better. You deserve to be pleasured as well. 

You must feel used. I know I would.

And not all guys watch or even like porn. My husband doesn't.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You have no sex life. He has a sex life, but sadly, you don't. You are just there to pleasure him. You deserve better. You deserve to be pleasured as well.
> 
> You must feel used. I know I would.
> 
> And not all guys watch or even like porn. My husband doesn't.


this is true.
me neither, well kinda.
the only porn ive used in the last few years is pics given to me by my ex.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

tigger,

This also happened in my marriage.

We were almost the same as you guys in that we were married for a long time and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. 
Thought it was his age and that he wasn't interested in sex anymore.

Well, I didn't know about the porn he was viewing or how damaging it was. 

There is a long story here, but I won't go into it. One thing that I can almost guarantee will help with your situation is -

Ask your husband to abstain from porn completely, he'll be wanting anything anytime after about a week or so.

The "no porn allowed" has changed our lives completely. Gone from a couple times a year to 3 times a week.

My husband says that it takes a while to get the porn images out of your head, but by about 2 months, he was getting better and I could really tell the difference.

The problem is that the porn is all about men's pleasure, not women's, and they get their brains on that track and away they go.

I think if your husband truly can stay away from the porn, you and he will see a huge improvement.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Is there any chance he's gay?


I would say no. I would think that over the years there would have been some subtle indicators, wouldn't you agree? Also, wouldn't the porn be gay if that were the case?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> I would say no. I would think that over the years there would have been some subtle indicators, wouldn't you agree? Also, wouldn't the porn be gay if that were the case?


not necessarily if he is trying to hide it.
he may look at regular porn but concentrate on the [email protected]


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