# "Hey, we are going out in an hour" backfires



## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

I've been reading Married Man's Sex Life primer (loving it btw), and yesterday I told my wife to be ready to go out in an hour. I told her as I was walking past her, and apparently missed her question "where are we going". 20 minutes later she's _REALLY_ upset because she hates it when I do that- don't tell her were we are going, unannounced detours, ect.

It turned into a pretty big fight, and she absolutely refused to go out the door. Should I continue to work on my delivery, or abandon that particular tactic?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I would want to know only so I would know how to dress. Big difference in going to a Jazz Night Club vs. the circus.

Why not say "hey get ready I plan on taking you to ----."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am your wife! HA! Well, not really, but I know what she's going through.

Be more specific and maybe tell her 2 hours before. Or half day before.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Both the last two posters are missing the point. The idea is that the woman only has an hour and by insisting on this, the man shows his "alphaness" (for want of a better word), which women like.

If he tells you everything ang gives you unlimited time, how is he being decisive and in control?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

She probably thought you were ignoring her when you didn't answer, but she is being OTT.

I love it when my fiance tells me to be ready at a certain time, and would love it even more if he told me to be ready in an hour to take me somewhere as a surprise. 

You should have told her you wanted to surprise her, so get ready and be ready in an hour.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Syrum said:


> She probably thought you were ignoring her when you didn't answer, but she is being OTT.
> 
> I love it when my fiance tells me to be ready at a certain time, and would love it even more if he told me to be ready in an hour to take me somewhere as a surprise.
> 
> You should have told her you wanted to surprise her, so get ready and be ready in an hour.


If I tried this on my wife, she would be somewhat scared and eventually insist on knowing where we are going, a nervous-based insisting. 

The premise of this idea is good but I'd tell her where it is we are going. I'd think I would still meet the objective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Account V2.0 (Jul 8, 2011)

This alpha crap and man-up bull seems like nothing more than ways to put your wife in her "place". Show her love, treat her right, and you will have no problems.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

I agree with V2.0. from what you decribed it sounded bossy and belittling - especially if it was in such qhick passing that you missed her (fair) question. "Where are we going?" I don't see that alpha means being rude or controlling.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

More info please?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You were aware that your wife dislikes surprises, but you withheld that information in your initial statement. I would feel disrespected as well. I think you should continue to work on your delivery. "I'm going to see (exact movie name) in an hour. Be ready if you want to come!"

To me this is more of a boundary issue. Assuming that you don't have children that she's caring for while trying to get ready, an hour should be more than enough time. If she really wants to go she'll be ready. If she's not ready I assume your plan would be to kiss her goodbye and leave, right? Even if you pull this off perfectly she'll likely be mad when you return home. Are you able to react without escalating? Are you able to walk away if she begins using disrespectful language? If not, you should hold off on things like this. It could do more damage than good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Yes, I can see it backfiring if the delivery was abrupt and/or bossy sounding, if you don't say where you're going or at least how to dress, and if the mood of your wife wasn't taken in to consideration (maybe she was tired and felt like staying in).

I think if the request is delivered in such a way that it doesn't sound commanding, but instead enticing, the response would be better. Most people respond well to common courtesy.

I agree with other posters that being 'alpha' is not about being bossy and controlling, because most would not find that attractive (some women might, so it pays to know your wife). 

I'm not sure why you couldn't just ASK her if she would like to go out, and then TELL her where you want to take her and when. This exchange to me would work:

H: Hey, baby, you up to going out tonight?
W: I guess so.
H: Well, then put your dancing shoes on and that new dress you look hot in and be ready to leave at 8.

If she replies 'no' when you ask, I would tell her that you expect to see that dress one day later in the week, wink at her, then walk away. This works on me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Women have their own sense of time and priorities. "5 minutes" could mean anything from 25 minutes to half past never.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It's about being in tune with her. You need to know that she really wanted to go out and do something then being mysterious may have worked better. I tried something similar where I engaged her and said lets just go out and explore the harbour. She didn't want to go out after all because we had been doing alot and she just really just wanted to relax at home. I was disapointed but I could see by her body language that she was just not in the mood.

I think doing a drive by without taking the time to engage and communicate comes off as disrepectful not alpha unless that is exactly what she is in the mood for.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

WorldsApart said:


> Babies make people crazy
> 
> My wife and I had 2 children 22 months apart. 4 months into the first child, my wife discovered the joys of co-sleeping. So with #2 on his way, it was time to move the now 2 year child out of our bed. It was a 6 month long battle to get her to sleep in her own bedroom. Funny enough, after that bedtime was the easiest part of the day for both of them.


How old are your children? If they are still young then where were they when you abruptly announce to your wife that she get ready because the two of you were going out in a hour?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Women have their own sense of time and priorities. "5 minutes" could mean anything from 25 minutes to half past never.


Think of it this way.

5 minutes to a woman is the same 5 minutes a guy tells her is left in the football game.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Think of it this way.
> 
> 5 minutes to a woman is the same 5 minutes a guy tells her is left in the football game.


"But honey, the game clock says 5:00 "


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Both the last two posters are missing the point. The idea is that the woman only has an hour and by insisting on this, the man shows his "alphaness" (for want of a better word), which women like.
> 
> If he tells you everything ang gives you unlimited time, how is he being decisive and in control?


Exactly right.



jayde said:


> I agree with V2.0. from what you decribed it sounded bossy and belittling - especially if it was in such qhick passing that you missed her (fair) question. "Where are we going?" I don't see that alpha means being rude or controlling.


My intention wasn't to be rude, I apparently delivered my message too quickly. She also chose not to come ask me for clarification, but rather sat and got pissed off.



morituri said:


> How old are your children? If they are still young then where were they when you abruptly announce to your wife that she get ready because the two of you were going out in a hour?


Kids are now 8 and 9, and the 9 year old is on vacation with my mom.


Holy crap ladies, You'd think I posted this is the Ladies Lounge. Have any of you actually read Married Man's Sex Life Primer? Please start your own threads to crap on it in the Ladies Lounge, where I won't be reading it 

As far as my situation goes, here's the short story:
Wife and I have been married 13 years, I'm a software architect, she's a stay at home mom. 2 kids, 8 and 9, and our sex life has been in the crapper for 4+ years.
3 years ago she hit size 18 after not loosing the baby fat, and finally hit the gym with a trainer. A year later, she stopped going (size 16), and over the next six months, dropped to a size 4. At the time, I was in the 230 lbs range, (I've got a stocky build, I got out of the Marines in '99 at 205). 
She dropped the weight because she stopped putting on muscle mass, stopped eating, and coasted.

Sex life never really improved through all of this, and after a horrible winter a year 1/2 ago, I pushed MC w/ a woman who specialized in sexual dysfunction. Hormone tests are normal, no physical issues, testosterone levels slightly above normal. We went through all of the "improve communication" crap, and basically agreed that her low desire was in her head, and I just needed to be patient. Well, here we are a year later, and guess what? Still looking for help, because she can't will herself to want sex.

A month ago I really hit bottom. I was at 241, stressed by work and home, and my doc told me to fix my cholesterol levels. Dad's side of the family has a history of heart disease (grandfather and uncle dead at 45 from heart attacks)
The wife's idea of stay at home mom is 10+ hours of reading twilight fan fiction and putting everything else off as long as possible.

So I decided to start working towards a low carb diet, and the first step was getting away from caffene and soda. So far i've lost 15lbs.

A few days ago I really dug into MMSL, and it's really hit a lot of buttons. Sufice to say I've got the Beta stuff down, thanks to 13 years of domestification, and lost most of the Alpha that attracted her in the first place.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have you asked her; "What do you want? From your life, from your marriage?"

I asked my ex this question, in several different forms at what I refer to as 'benchmark' moments during the deterioration of our marriage.

Her consistent answer? "I don't know."

I'm all for trying to change your game-plan. But you need to know whether or not you have a teammate, or an opponent.

Ask her. If she gives the same answer my ex did, start thinking about what your life looks like without her.

It's a lazy, thoughtless answer. It is the answer you give when you think the status quo can't possibly change, meaning, she doesn't believe you are going anywhere, but she isn't engaged enough to possibly want to make things better.

What she doesn't say, is every bit as informative as what she does. Listen closely either way. And if her answer is "I don't know.", that needs to be the end of the conversation. Don't ask her another thing, and calmly remove yourself from the interaction.



WorldsApart said:


> Exactly right.
> 
> Holy crap ladies, You'd think I posted this is the Ladies Lounge. Have any of you actually read Married Man's Sex Life Primer? Please start your own threads to crap on it in the Ladies Lounge, where I won't be reading it


That was pretty funny.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deej,

What's really sad is when you realize you don't have a committed partner. There simply isn't anything you can do about that. Only they can.

Quite often, they don't.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"5 minutes" means STFU I'll get to it when the winged stallion comes to pick me up. 

I consider it a basic point of civility to be punctual. I cannot stand people who are late or who make me late. An appointment is an appointment. Not a quarter hour late, or whatever o'clock. What are we, free wheeling Latins and Jamaicans for God's sake? No mon, YES worries. Now, right the **** now. 

When I tell someone I will be at their house in 7 minutes I am at their house in 7 minutes. This is why I find all this slackerdom infuriating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Conrad said:


> Deej,
> 
> What's really sad is when you realize you don't have a committed partner. There simply isn't anything you can do about that. Only they can.
> 
> Quite often, they don't.


Correct. And it's kind of an important detail to be aware of.

*Caveat* - Do not ask her "What do you want from ME?" That puts you on the hook ... and the question isn't about you. It's about her.




Runs like Dog said:


> "5 minutes" means STFU I'll get to it when the winged stallion comes to pick me up.


Damn, I find your posts funny.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I love it if a man comes up with his own plans & has some enthusiam about them, but if she asks where you are going, unless it is some surprise, why not tell her ? I would also want to know, but be very happy he wants to take me out and came up with his own idea.

At our house, I generelly do pretty near every plan, I am just better at it, but Darn, it would be nice if he did surprise me more often, I don't think he does cause we have too many kids & their schedules to work around and I am the one who is on top of that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It is important to know the terrain upon which you find yourself deployed.

I had a girlfriend that would basically have freaked out, if I were too cryptic.

Make it playful. If she doesn't mirror that playfulness, then adjust accordingly, or, if she escalates, nonchalantly pull the plug on the entire enterprise, go out and enjoy yourself.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I think more the root of this kind of situation is "intent" and "execution". It's all fine for me to say to win at business you must be charming and then explain how to be charming. 

In reality, the different between charming and annoying isn't that far. And the execution is what makes the difference between a guy who people like and guy who's trying too hard. An instruction manual is inadequate to get you there if you lack keep social intelligence and savvy. 

Same with your lady. You're looking at the letter of the rule, not the spirit. The "i'm taking you out" thing is about infusing spontaneity and excitement in your relationship. If you have a high strung wife, who gets anxious about uncertainty, you're just making her MORE anxious. You need to create excitement within her boundaries for it to work. 

So the question is, how do you create more excitement, playfulness, and fun in a way that isn't contrived?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Comedy = Tragedy + timing.


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## fhg1893 (Jun 25, 2011)

WorldsApart said:


> I've been reading Married Man's Sex Life primer (loving it btw), and yesterday I told my wife to be ready to go out in an hour. I told her as I was walking past her, and apparently missed her question "where are we going". 20 minutes later she's _REALLY_ upset because she hates it when I do that- don't tell her were we are going, unannounced detours, ect.
> 
> It turned into a pretty big fight, and she absolutely refused to go out the door. Should I continue to work on my delivery, or abandon that particular tactic?


Erhm. Being alpha without preserving effective communication seems like a really good way to ruin a marriage. There's a difference between being assertive, and turning into a jerk. 

In other words, I think you should keep doing what you're doing, but if she asks, do tell her where you're going. It doesn't make you less decisive, or less alpha to say, "We're going to the restaurant, (or wherever,) be ready to leave in one hour." Clairity helps a lot.


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Have you asked her; "What do you want? From your life, from your marriage?"
> ...
> Her consistent answer? "I don't know."


That's a common response from her, and I'm not amused with it any longer. I've got an idea of what life looks like without her, and i'm prepared to go there. There's no way in hell that I'm going to accept being 34 and not getting laid.



Deejo said:


> That was pretty funny.


I'm sure some of the ladies don't get the humor, but oh well 



Conrad said:


> Deej,
> 
> What's really sad is when you realize you don't have a committed partner. There simply isn't anything you can do about that. Only they can.
> 
> Quite often, they don't.


Can't agree more. I've spent too much time waiting for her to change by herself, so now she can decide to follow or get the hell out of the way, because she won't lead.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I love it if a man comes up with his own plans & has some enthusiam about them, but if she asks where you are going, unless it is some surprise, why not tell her ? I would also want to know, but be very happy he wants to take me out and came up with his own idea.


MMSL goes into a lot of detail on why not to tell her. It's all about producing a specific chemical reaction in her body that produces the results we (the men) want. 
here's a good quote from the book:


> Even though your wife is with you and trusts you, she will experience a few seconds of Isolation Anxiety as you start taking her somewhere unexpected without asking. This triggers her Body Agenda to make an instant decision about either risking a physical fight with you that is likely hopeless or submitting to your intentions without resistance. Usually her Body Agenda takes the safe option and votes for submission, which frames you as dominant. Having created a dominant moment, that sparks a dopamine reaction in her and she will feel greater attraction to you and a little flush of excitement.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you haven't already, take a gander at this thread:

How About Them Apples?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Some of us get the humor just fine. I've read his book, I've reviewed it for Amazon. I adore Athol and he is spot on. He can pull it off effortlessly. Why? Because he earned his respect.
Sadly, many hone in on one or two things in his book and skip over the rest.


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Some of us get the humor just fine. I've read his book, I've reviewed it for Amazon. I adore Athol and he is spot on. He can pull it off effortlessly. Why? Because he earned his respect.


He's also had 6 years to walk the walk 



Therealbrighteyes said:


> Sadly, many hone in on one or two things in his book and skip over the rest.


Well, mere mortal men have to start somewhere. You can either study something for 4 years, and then hope maybe you remember enough to do good enough the first time out, or you can pick something and try it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

WorldsApart said:


> He's also had 6 years to walk the walk
> 
> 
> 
> Well, mere mortal men have to start somewhere. You can either study something for 4 years, and then hope maybe you remember enough to do good enough the first time out, or you can pick something and try it.


Glad you are making the effort! He does have some great advice, despite my initial hatred of the book. 
I think he never got to the point where so many men are regarding their wives resentment, lack of sex, etc. They truly have a fantastic marriage and he loves her dearly. 
His book is awesome, just don't cherry pick your way through. Being tough guy but them skipping crucial chapters about how to make her feel secure is going to be fruitless for you. So keep that in mind and get practicing!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes yes yes to every word of this post. 

My W didn't come with an "operation and maintenance" O&M guide. But like anyone she has one. A few months ago we were hanging out and she said "I love being with you" and I responded with "I am good at you". Just between us lads this is akin to being good at doing 3 dimensional integrals in your head while playing racquetball. It takes a fair amount of aptitude and a lot of practice. 

Anyway she paused for a bit and said "you ARE good at me". And my response to that - which is very true was "and you are good at me". 

Getting good 'at her' was mainly a function of trial and error and paying attention. 





seeking sanity said:


> I think more the root of this kind of situation is "intent" and "execution". It's all fine for me to say to win at business you must be charming and then explain how to be charming.
> 
> In reality, the different between charming and annoying isn't that far. And the execution is what makes the difference between a guy who people like and guy who's trying too hard. An instruction manual is inadequate to get you there if you lack keep social intelligence and savvy.
> 
> ...


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Here are some ways that worked with me:

Early in the day, I told her I was going to a nice restaurant for dinner. I told her I had made reservations for two for dinner at 7pm and I really hoped she'd join me. I told her she'd need to be ready at 6:30. Throughout the day, she kept trying to guess the restaurant but I would only smile at her and I assured her she would like it. She did.

There was a new place that we both wanted to try out that provided quite a list of microbrews. I told her that I was going to check the place out at and if she wanted to come with me, I was leaving at 7pm. Now, I said this all with a smile because I knew she wanted to go but I was still making the decision.

This past saturday, I took complete control of the evening. My wife had had a very stressful week at work. I texted her while she was out doing errands on saturday that I could see how stressed out she was. This is the exact text I sent her:



> I've been thinking...really. You've been really stressed out at work the last couple of weeks and it's clear to me that [Employer] does not appreciate you as they should. It's so obvious to me how much you care about your [clients] and their families and how important it is for you to do a good job. You become so animated at times when you talk about your [clients] after work.
> 
> So tonight, I'm going to take care of you. I've picked out a new restaurant for us to try. Tonight, when we go to bed, I'll start off with giving you a nice (and only minimally sexual) massage. I'm also going to provide you with oral pleasure...you just lay back and enjoy (although I have to admit to enjoying the taste of you and exploring you with my mouth). I have even laid out on the bed what I want you to wear when we go to bed tonight. Tonight, there will be no demands on you and no requests. Tonight will truly be just about you. I love you so very, very much.


I think the latter post has a nice mix of 'alpha' and 'beta' qualities. To put it mildly, my wife enjoyed the evening.

So, I guess I have to agree with the others in that knowing your partner is important, knowing where they are at at the moment is important, and delivery is certainly important.


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