# My wife is jealous of my ex and going to extremes



## caltom

I have been married to my wife for 7 ½ years. For the entirety of our marriage she has compared herself and our relationship, to my ex and the relationship I had with her. From day one these insecurities have been present, which I should have paid more attention to. I thought it would get better in time, not worse. To be frank, there was nothing to be jealous of. It’s to the point that she is harming others and I’d be out the door if I wasn’t worried about our kids, her or myself. 

I was in a relationship with my ex for 8 years. We had 3 children together, but never married. She had problems from abuse and trauma, and to be blunt it was more than I could or wanted to handle. She wanted to marry me, but I didn’t want to marry her. I dragged the relationship out until I met someone else. In hindsight I completely regret the choices I made, but most of that is irrelevant here. 

I married my wife 6 months after leaving my ex. At one point my wife said she won because I married her and never married my ex. She won because I married her, when I wouldn’t marry my ex even after having children with her. She won because SHE got the wedding and my ex “never would”. That was a massive red flag and I tried to forget about it and give my wife the benefit of the doubt. The first year of our relationship was very messy. 

My wife has always been a ***** to my ex. She has soured my relationship with my ex to the point that we don’t have any morsel of a friendship. We share a 13 year old and 9 year old twins. For school or sport activities we sit on opposite sides and don’t even make eye contact. We don’t talk about the kids. We have a mailbag that we send back and forth with the kids if there is anything important that needs to be shared. We don’t fight, because we have almost zero contact or opportunity to fight. I would like to be able to have a conversation with her. When our son, and daughters, graduate I would like them to be able to look and see us in the same glance rather than searching all over for us. Our kids have told me that they wish their mom and I would talk and spend time with them as a family. One of their friends has divorced parents who have a very good relationship. They spend holidays and events together, and my children with my ex are jealous of that. It has been 8 years since our relationship ended, and I would like to be able to get along with my ex. 

My wife has overstepped and made sure my ex knew it. If the kids want something that they know they cannot have/do my wife will say yes. She went to parent-teacher conferences one year instead of informing me or my wife about them. She use to come to every pickup/drop off because she wanted my ex to be reminded of who I’m with and didn’t/doesn’t trust me. She use to text my ex updates about the kids after my ex said she wanted no contact. She posts pictures with the kids on social media after being asked not to. My ex hasn’t blocked either of us so I’m sure she sees it. My wife wanted me to go for full custody rather than shared. She has told people information about my ex that is personal and private, that she honestly shouldn’t even know but I told her. My wife has used that information against my ex or to say something to hurt her. Anything that I get mad about she turns around and says that I am sticking up for my ex and shouldn’t be, that I still want her, etc. She wants to go to anything that my ex and I will be at. 

My wife and I have 3 kids together. I didn’t want 3 more kids, in total we have 6 (3 with my ex, 3 with wife). My wife wants a 4th child just so she can trump what I had with my ex. Our 3rd child was “unplanned”, she removed her IUD without telling me (I think, no proof of that). She also bought unprescribed fertility medication online to try and have twins or more, because I have 9 year old twins with my ex. First off, that’s just stupid. You have no idea what medication you will be taking. It’s dangerous for your health and the babies health. Second, I would never wish twins on anyone. They have by far been my hardest children. We are not having a 4th, but she brings it up almost daily. 

My ex was doing renovations on her home earlier this year. When my kids started talking about it my wife wanted to do renovations as well. They had their rooms redone at their mom’s house, so my wife re-did their (perfectly fine) rooms at our house. My ex just had a pool put in her yard. My wife is talking about doing a pool next summer. My kids mentioned their mom is going to take them to Disneyland next year for their first trip, my wife booked a trip for next month so we can take them first. That caused my ex to text me for the first time in years to tell me that I'm an *******. 

I don’t know much about my ex’s romantic life. I know that she hasn’t had a serious relationship that the kids have found out about and hasn’t re-married. Our relationship ended 8 years ago. My wife stalks my ex’s social media. My ex was tagged in a picture with a man. I knew the man and knew that he’s a married friend of hers, my wife started wondering out loud if they were together, if they were going to get married. She doesn’t want my ex to be happy, and has taken steps to prevent her from being happy. 

My wife found my ex’s online dating profile. I still don’t know if she was specifically searching for it, someone else found it and showed her, or if she stumbled upon it by having a profile that she shouldn’t have had. That’s the least of my concern right now. My wife found my ex’s dating profile and created her own profiles. She created multiple profiles of MEN and messaged my ex from them. I don’t know how many she has made, but I found proof of 11. I have found monthly charges on her credit cards, for multiple accounts as it was charged more than once each month. I read the messages sent from one of the accounts, and my wife acted like she was this man and they were going to meet. Set a time and date, then didn’t show. My wife has been using an old phone to text from. She opened a new number and plan just to do this, and I found two phone number changes. There was a conversation to my ex’s number and they were talking about meeting for a date. My wife obviously didn’t show up, and there were texts asking if “he” was still coming followed by one mean text from “him”. 

I read my wife’s text messages and she told a friend of hers that I cheated with my ex recently and admitted to it. I absolutely have not cheated on her. My wife has never told me that she had suspicions, and she doesn’t hold in much. She had that male friend make an online dating profile with his pictures and message my ex. He had dates with my ex at least 4 times and texted my wife screenshots of their texts. I don’t know what the point of that was. What the hell does my wife get out of that? She has been spending a few hundred dollars a month just to screw with my ex. I honestly feel like I need to put her into a psychiatric hospital. 

We have a marriage counseling appointment this week, but will that even help at this point? I’m hoping the marriage counselor will tell her that she needs independent therapy to figure out what the hell is wrong with her. This cannot be normal behaviour. I’ve past my breaking point and I can sit for hours thinking “what the **** is going on”. How can I get her to snap out of it and start acting like a 35 year old woman rather than a 13 year old girl? I’m about 5 minutes from packing bags and leaving. The only thing holding me back is the fear of how badly she would react if this is her reaction to someone who did nothing to her.


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## happyhusband0005

Man, your wife sounds like one very toxic person. She obviously doesn't care about her step children if she would treat their mother this way. I agree with you she needs some serious mental help, she is not healthy. 

If I were you I would confront her on these things and explain that eventually this is going to impact your kids from your ex in a very negative way and probably severely damage your relationship with them. Understanding that, you will not let your kids be hurt even by her under any circumstances full stop. Keep the focus on the kids not the ex and demand she get help, this is just crazy.


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## FieryHairedLady

WOW! That is crazy! 

You jumped from the pan into the fire with this one. Welcome to the forum.

Maybe a mod can move this to the general relationship section where it may be seen better and get more responses?


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## SunCMars

A one word post from this erstwhile wordsmith.

Psycho.


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## SunCMars

Dump this women, move three thousand mile away.

I am very brave, but I would fear for my life with her around.

Tell your EXW that you heard one of her enemies is messing with her on her dating site.
That you heard it from a friend of a friend.

Tell the EXW to keep quiet about who tipped her off. 

Start making plans on how you are going to extricate yourself from this She Devil.


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## caltom

I'm a POS for allowing it to happen and not put a stop to it when it first started. When I was in the process of leaving my ex, my wife was extremely hateful towards my ex. Literally from the first time they met, and she trashed her before meeting her. Honestly I am at the point were I'd love to move and never see her again. Having 3 kids with her makes that damn near impossible. Having kids with my ex also means I cannot just up and move. I barely see my ex and almost never hear from her, but I know my wife wouldn't go for that if we divorce. 

My ex and I never speak, so I haven't talked to her about this. I haven't decided if I am going to or not. I probably won't, because that isn't going to do any good. 

I left my ex because I didn't want to deal with her "issues", then I got this. 10 year ago I'd say that I didn't believe in karma, now it feels like I've been run over 50x by the karma bus. My wife is obviously psychologically unsound. Is this the "for better or worse" and "in sickness and health"? If she is willing to get help do I stick around because I vowed to? My kids need to be my top priority. Divorcing my wife may be better for my 3 children with my ex, but then I put my other 3 children with my wife through a divorce. A divorce that will be messy, to say the least.


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## happyhusband0005

I would also suggest and I think you agree with, you really need to look inside yourself as well. You don't seem to make great choices with relationships. The way you handled the first marriage and how it ended was not good. Would you see yourself as someone who avoids confrontation? I think you seem to be very passive in dealing with bad situations hoping they will sort themselves out on their own isn't a great plan and does not set a great example for the kids. Loving your kids and making them your top priority is great but you should also handle your relationship with their mothers in a way that is in their best interests also.


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## Uptown

> My wife is obviously psychologically unsound.


CalTom, perhaps so. You seem to be describing anger issues, a strong abandonment fear (i.e., irrational jealousy), black-white thinking, and an inability to trust. Because these are several of the traits in a well-known pattern of behaviors, it would be helpful to know if you are seeing most of them. I therefore ask whether most of the following behaviors sound very familiar:

Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
Low self esteem;
Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming, during the first few months of your relationship, that you are the only one who has treated her well;
Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
Having no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends;
Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those behaviors ring bells and raise questions, CalTom, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## caltom

I will be the first to say that I’m not perfect and have my own set of problems. I have definitely been thinking about doing counselling on my own to figure some things out. My first 3 relationships were with women who needed “saving” or “fixing”, then I married the “other woman” who apparently also needs "fixing"
. 

I would say she exhibits about 14 of those 18 behaviours. 



Uptown said:


> CalTom, perhaps so. You seem to be describing anger issues, a strong abandonment fear (i.e., irrational jealousy), black-white thinking, and an inability to trust. Because these are several of the traits in a well-known pattern of behaviors, it would be helpful to know if you are seeing most of them. I therefore ask whether most of the following behaviors sound very familiar:
> 
> Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
> Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
> Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
> A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
> Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
> Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
> Low self esteem;
> Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
> Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
> Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
> Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
> Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming, during the first few months of your relationship, that you are the only one who has treated her well;
> Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
> Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
> Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
> Having no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away) even though she may have many casual friends;
> Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
> Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
> If most of those behaviors ring bells and raise questions, CalTom, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## Uptown

> I would say she exhibits about 14 of those 18 behaviours.


CalTom, the 18 behaviors are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your W has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold. 

Hence, given your inclination to remain married to her, I would recommend you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your 3 children are dealing with. If you have any questions about the warning signs, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Also, if you would like some links to online information about divorcing a BPDer and about sharing child custody with her, I would be glad to provide some.


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## sokillme

Sounds like you cheated on the mother of your kids with your current wife right? If so she is probably worried because she knows your history. Besides that she is a cheater so that means her character is bad, but then again. I agree with the above post sounds like some sort of personality disorder. As for you quit having so many kids with these women you don't want to be with. It's ruining your life. You need to fix your picker.


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## musiclover

I would tell the kids get in the car we're going for a ride and never go back.

She sounds like someone out of a lifetime movie


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## Herschel

Holy S dude. It’s not your wife, it’s you. And I don’t mean that she is normal. She is the result of you being whomever you are. 3 kids with a woman whonyou strung along and then married this chick after 6 months and now you got 3 more kids? You reap what you sow.


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## Decorum

So your Ex is cat fishing your current wife, but do I have it right that your current wife has been trying to set up dates with people she believes to be men?


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## EleGirl

Your wife is stalking your ex and harassing her. From what you say, your ex is probably in danger.

Hopefully you are keeping the evidence you have found of this because you might need it one day. There is something seriously wrong with your wife and you might need to prove it at some point.


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## Oceania

Honestly you and your wife are both toads. Her for persecuting your ex and you for allowing it. You both deserve each other.


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