# Need Advice



## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Back when our marriage had weak/non existent boundaries, my wife had a friend who confessed an affair and asked my wife to keep it a secret. My wife told me about the incident, and at the time, I didn't think much of it. This "friend" and my wife were attending the same school at the time. It was almost three years ago that all of this happened. Well as life has a particular way of opening peoples eyes, I now see that keeping this persons secret was a mistake. I've discussed it with my wife on a few occasions, she is no longer friends with this person, and has not had any contact with her for over two years, and we have not been able to come to a common viewpoint on the issue.

I think that my wife, or myself, should contact the former friends husband and let him know what happened, but my wife is afraid of the confrontation and the moral implication of breaking a promise, even though she now sees that making a promise to keep that secret was a mistake, and not something she would ever do again.

Again, we've had no contact with this person for over two years, so should I let it drop, or follow up?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Create an anonymous email, send a message and leave the issue.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Several years ago I was in a position with a similar dilemma attached. I wrote 2 anonymous letters on different days in different ways to ensure her husband received the information.

I did my job and the rest was up to him.

A similar approach may work for you here.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Thank you for your advice and support. This seems like a good course of action to take. I will be sending him the email today, and putting this issue behind me.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Paladin said:


> I think that my wife, or myself, should contact the former friends husband and let him know what happened, but my wife is afraid of the confrontation and *the moral implication of breaking a promise, even though she now sees that making a promise to keep that secret was a mistake,* and not something she would ever do again.


The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. As far as your moral implications are concerned, you both kind of blew that 3 years ago with your cover-up of a marital crime. You should both know better than this. What if one of your friend's had knowledge of your wife doing something like this and didn't tell you? Just what kind of friend would he be to you then?

C'mon partner...you know the answer to this.

It's pretty simple. This man deserves to know the truth about his life. And besides his WW (as far as you know), you 2 are the only ones that know that truth.

JMO


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Paladin said:


> Thank you for your advice and support. This seems like a good course of action to take. I will be sending him the email today, and putting this issue behind me.


Also keep in mind that your wife may have told this friend(at the time) some things that she never wanted you to hear.

*I am not suggesting that your wife has had an affair*. I am suggesting that sometimes when a freind devulges something as personal as having an affiar, your wife may have felt compeled to do the same, devulging personal information. Completing a bond between them, so to speak.

I of course do not know that this has happened, just keep it in mind if your wife get overly upset about you exposing the WS's past affair to her husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Paladin said:


> Thank you for your advice and support. This seems like a good course of action to take. I will be sending him the email today, and putting this issue behind me.


And transferring the s**t sandwich to him? :scratchhead:


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Also keep in mind that your wife may have told this friend(at the time) some things that she never wanted you to hear.
> 
> *I am not suggesting that your wife has had an affair*. I am suggesting that sometimes when a freind devulges something as personal as having an affiar, your wife may have felt compeled to do the same, devulging personal information. Completing a bond between them, so to speak.
> 
> I of course do not know that this has happened, just keep it in mind if your wife get overly upset about you exposing the WS's past affair to her husband.


We are about a year and a half into Reconciliation, so safe to say, been there, done that. I was the BS, she is the fWS. I deleted my thread about a year ago because it detailed the day she attempted suicide and I didnt want to constantly relive those particular moments. The process of recovering from infidelity and R in general is what led me to reexamine this issue in the first place.



3putt said:


> The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. As far as your moral implications are concerned, you both kind of blew that 3 years ago with your cover-up of a marital crime. You should both know better than this. What if one of your friend's had knowledge of your wife doing something like this and didn't tell you? Just what kind of friend would he be to you then?
> 
> C'mon partner...you know the answer to this.
> 
> ...


As I mention in the OP, our understanding of boundaries and relationships in general has shifted and evolved since then, we have both been through a significant amount of individual and couples counseling, and have an elevated set of values that we seemed to lack before. We've been together since we were children, I was 15, she 14, when we met. We are both the eldest children in our respective families, and were both born outside the united states. 

I have never met the husband in question, and only met the woman in question on a few occasions, i would not call either of them a friend, or even an acquaintance. I'm just trying to act in a way consistent with my new value set, and asked for some advice about the approach. I would want to know, and even though this guy is a stranger, I would want him to know too.

My wife's additional concern was for the length of time that has passed since she found out, and the impact it could have on their lives. His wife was going to school in CA, and he was practicing law in NY at the time of the incident, so distance may have been a major factor, and they could be living normal happy lives at the moment.



MattMatt said:


> And transferring the s**t sandwich to him? :scratchhead:


Not sure what you mean by that. Is your advice counter to the advice I have received so far? Do you counsel to keep this to myself?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Paladin said:


> We are about a year and a half into Reconciliation, so safe to say, been there, done that. I was the BS, she is the fWS. I deleted my thread about a year ago because it detailed the day she attempted suicide and I didnt want to constantly relive those particular moments. The process of recovering from infidelity and R in general is what led me to reexamine this issue in the first place.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No. But I am just pointing out that whilst there are positive aspects to telling him, there are potentially negative impacts, too.

Telling him will make you feel better, but it will make him feel worse, potentially. Though that needs to be balanced against the fact that he deserves to know that his wife cheated on him.

It's a tough call for you.

I incline toward telling him, but it will hurt him.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I know this site is to help married couple to stay together by building trust, forgiving and move on. However, so far I do not see what you and your wife have as a goal? Why after 3 years you decided to ruin someone else family. It will make you happy?. Are doing this because you know the other woman (you wife’s friend) continues cheating? And you feel sorry for her husband? If they are together and happy why are you doing this? I thing it is mean. Just because you had problems with your wife, you do not have to start the fire in other’s family.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> I know this site is to help married couple to stay together by building trust, forgiving and move on. However, so far I do not see what you and your wife have as a goal? Why after 3 years you decided to ruin someone else family. It will make you happy?. Are doing this because you know the other woman (you wife’s friend) continues cheating? And you feel sorry for her husband? If they are together and happy why are you doing this? I thing it is mean. Just because you had problems with your wife, *you do not have to start the fire in other’s family.*


This is where you're missing it. He's not starting the fire, that guy's wife did by sleeping with another man. Okay, maybe I'm just not right for this site. I've seen this thrown out way too many times before, and it makes me sick. If things had been done right to begin with, this trainwreck of moral epiphanies wouldn't exist today in this situation.

I don't know. I do know that nothing frustrates me more than seeing people having to ask if doing the morally correct thing is the right thing, even if it is some time later. 

Since when does doing the right thing have a statute of limitations?

I guess it's just me. And that's even more frustrating.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: Need Advice*



Fleur de Cactus said:


> I know this site is to help married couple to stay together by building trust, forgiving and move on. However, so far I do not see what you and your wife have as a goal? Why after 3 years you decided to ruin someone else family. It will make you happy?. Are doing this because you know the other woman (you wife’s friend) continues cheating? And you feel sorry for her husband? If they are together and happy why are you doing this? I thing it is mean. Just because you had problems with your wife, you do not have to start the fire in other’s family.


The goal is to do the right thing, regardless of the difficulty in doing so. If I did not care about it, I would not be here seeking advice. As far as problems with my wife, this is actually a result of not having problems with her and openly discussing life issues. I also have no idea if they are happy or not, I do not know them, but I worry if they have children without him ever finding out the truth, and things then go bad for them, it will be infinitely worse.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

3putt said:


> This is where you're missing it. He's not starting the fire, that guy's wife did by sleeping with another man. Okay, maybe I'm just not right for this site. I've seen this thrown out way too many times before, and it makes me sick. If things had been done right to begin with, this trainwreck of moral epiphanies wouldn't exist today in this situation.
> 
> I don't know. I do know that nothing frustrates me more than seeing people having to ask if doing the morally correct thing is the right thing, even if it is some time later.
> 
> ...


You are not alone. That was nicely said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

The bottom line here is, if your husband, or wife had had an affair 3 years ago, WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?

My guess is the majority would and it wouldn't matter who told them about it.

I know I would want to know.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> I know this site is to help married couple to stay together by building trust, forgiving and move on. However, so far I do not see what you and your wife have as a goal? Why after 3 years you decided to ruin someone else family. It will make you happy?. Are doing this because you know the other woman (you wife’s friend) continues cheating? And you feel sorry for her husband? If they are together and happy why are you doing this? I thing it is mean. Just because you had problems with your wife, you do not have to start the fire in other’s family.


So, wait, you're saying he doesn't deserve to know that his wife had, or may even still be having, an affair? Are you saying that if he is "blissfully unaware" that his wife has been wh0ring around, that it's ok, as long as they are happy together? Sorry, I don't think so. He needs to know that his wife may have exposed him to STDs, and that she has lied to him, and cheated. Wow...

Paladin, I have no idea how I would contact the husband, tbh. But, I do agree that he should know about it and decide from there what he wants to do. I think the ideas of HOW to do it are decent, and I would probably try Chris's course of action.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> The bottom line here is, if your husband, or wife had had an affair 3 years ago, WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW?
> 
> My guess is the majority would and it wouldn't matter who told them about it.
> 
> I know I would want to know.


Really? You would? Well, what if your marriage had seemed OK at the time? That the affair was over, that your former WS was now a Faithful Spouse who would never cheat again? Would you still want to know?

Now, I probably would, but would everyone?:scratchhead:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Really? You would? Well, what if your marriage had seemed OK at the time? That the affair was over, that your former WS was now a Faithful Spouse who would never cheat again? Would you still want to know?
> 
> Now, I probably would, but would everyone?:scratchhead:


YES, absolutely! I would want to know the truth. Ignorance might be bliss, but if I don't know where I stood with my wife when the affair happened - How could I really know where I stand with her in the present? Or in the future, for that matter.

I understand your line of thinking, and for some, life would be better not knowing about the affair.

If I never found out and she never cheated again, then of course it would never have effected me. But what if 10, or 20 years had gone by, then I found out? To me, for that 10, or 20 years, I was living a lie. I don't even want to think what that would do to me. The sooner I know, the sooner I can decide what to do about it. 

I not only agree with exposing to the WS's husband, I would have found a way to do it long ago. Sorry, not on my watch.

Maybe I feel so strongly about this, because of what has happened to me, but I've always had a dim view about cheating. Even when I see it happening to someone else. I just feel that the person being wronged has the right to know.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Who wouldn't want to know that their spouse had been unfaithful?

If you think that the truth should not be told because maybe the marriage seemed happy then where do you draw the line?

That attitude directly condones infidelity providing it is kept a secret. It is an outrageously hypocritical stance for anyone with decent morals to take.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Chris989 said:


> Who wouldn't want to know that their spouse had been unfaithful?
> 
> If you think that the truth should not be told because maybe the marriage seemed happy then where do you draw the line?
> 
> That attitude directly condones infidelity providing it is kept a secret. It is an outrageously hypocritical stance for anyone with decent morals to take.


:iagree:

I would want to know how long my marriage has been a lie.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I would want to know how long my marriage has been a lie.


And if there were any more skeletons?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Is there a statute of limitations? 2 years no contact, maybe the WW had an epiphany, stopped her cheating ways, rededicated herself to her husband...heck even told him.

Fact is you don't know do you? Focus and build on your own life, sadly what's in the past is in the past. I'm usually all for the tell WW/WH brigade, but if you've had no contact with this person for that long it's really none of your business anymore is it? Should have told at the time.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: Need Advice*



BobSimmons said:


> Is there a statute of limitations? 2 years no contact, maybe the WW had an epiphany, stopped her cheating ways, rededicated herself to her husband...heck even told him.
> 
> Fact is you don't know do you? Focus and build on your own life, sadly what's in the past is in the past. I'm usually all for the tell WW/WH brigade, but if you've had no contact with this person for that long it's really none of your business anymore is it? Should have told at the time.


Well, you're in the minority in terms of opinions here, but I obviously value all points of view on the matter, even ones I do not agree with in full. As I've repeatedly stated, what I "should" have done in the past is of little consequence as I was operating with a different set of values. I've grown as a person, and my understanding of life and relationships has shifted. I don't think its ever too late to do the right thing. I would go so far as to say that the existence of this forum, and the many examples of successful R stories support that point of view. If there really was a cut off for doing the right thing, people would never be able to learn from their mistakes and do better. In life, or in relationships.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> And if there were any more skeletons?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then there would be even more resentment because the BS could have moved on to a more honest relationship sooner, but instead wasted years of his/her life with such a dishonest person.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

3putt said:


> ...
> 
> Since when does doing the right thing have a statute of limitations?
> 
> I guess it's just me. And that's even more frustrating.


I want to be your mini-me ...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think the only thing you can ask yourself is 'would I like to know if it was me?' Most people would want to know. 

And even though we would, and even though we know what is right, there is still that feeling of meddling, of being the person who is the bringer of bad news, the bringer of Doom, here comes Death! And how do you get away from that feeling? I don't know. That is why most people stay out of it. And that is why, even when one has been betrayed and been enlightened by a forum like this, if it is not your affair or your betrayal or your business, the question and difficulty still arises of whether to tell (yes) but more importantly, how do you tell?! 

I completely understand why you are asking this question, even though you probably already knew the answer.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I suppose the only worry I would have is if this woman had turned herself around. Even then, probably still better to have all out in the open. 

I would have a great moral dilemma on this one I am afraid. A very difficult question. But you/your wife knows this woman, her family. You know the situation. You know the woman's reactions to her affair and her guilt levels and her blasé attitude. If she was trying to stop, if she didn't care, if there is a chance she was continuing her affair....all of those factors would come into my decision to tell. 

And before I get blasted (? or should I say while I get blasted?), though I probably will anyway, if she gave up her affair and experienced great regret and humility while I knew her, that would be a situation in which I wouldn't tell on her 3 years later. 
And can I imagine seeking out her husband now if it were me? I don't know. I am not sure whether I would or not. But it depends on the person. It is a difficult judgement call. I think if she had no remorse at the time, and she was a bit*h, then I would have no hesitation in telling her husband. 

All in between the 2 scenarios are too blurry to say in any definitive what I would do if it were me. 

And for anyone who is going to come down on me like a ton of bricks, of course I would want to know! But I am a good person. And I am loyal, decent, honest and kind. I don't know this couple at all. And I also am not the infidelity police! I do not go shouting to all I know about any and all infidelity that I know of and have ever been aware of through my whole existence. 

Though given an opportunity I would definitely give a heads up to an acquaintence, and absolutely an information giving session to a friend (no opportunity needed because I would make one).


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

@remains

Thank you for your thoughts on the issue, I found them very helpful. From what I remember, and from subsequent conversations with m wife about the issue, her (the disloyal spouse) attitude about the affair was very matter of fact. There were no words of regret or remorse, in fact, there was quite a bit of rationalization and justification going on. I feel that the main reason I've not been able to just forget about the whole thing is the attitude of entitlement that she had about the affair, and her assumption that whatever they did not know about each other could never harm them. I've always felt that the way she reflected on it indicated that should the situation arise in the future, and the opportunity for getting away with it was there, she would most certainly cheat again. Her husband got his JD and served as a public defender for people with mental illness. He was passionate about helping the less fortunate, and did the majority of that work pro bono <sp?>. I just keep coming back to the fact that he is a good person, and deserves to be with a person who will treat him as such. She badmouthed him to my wife on a few occasions to justify her actions, and all of her criticism was outlandish (he only likes to jog for an hour, not two like me, he still eats foods that I disagree with...) and she heavily implied that the affair she was confessing was not her first.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

sounds like he deserves to know then, and she deserves to have it blow up in her face. Yes definitely, let him know. 

I guess the question now is how to let him know? Or are you still undecided? Did you say they had moved away?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

They live out of state, we've had no contact with them in two years or so. Im going to do it anonymously on Monday. I found his name in a business to business directory, and know what firm he works for now. He lists his work email publicly, and because of the whole atty client privilege thing, only he can check the box. I also found his linkedin profile. So I have two methods of contact. What im still not sure about is how available to make myself for followup questions. Its been suggested in this thread to just send a few emails and walk away, but im wondering if I should at least wait for a reply and answer questions he might have? I'll be using the TOR relay network to mask my IP and a throw away free email account.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Paladin said:


> They live out of state, we've had no contact with them in two years or so. Im going to do it anonymously on Monday. I found his name in a business to business directory, and know what firm he works for now. He lists his work email publicly, and because of the whole atty client privilege thing, only he can check the box. I also found his linkedin profile. So I have two methods of contact. What im still not sure about is how available to make myself for followup questions. Its been suggested in this thread to just send a few emails and walk away, but im wondering if I should at least wait for a reply and answer questions he might have? I'll be using the TOR relay network to mask my IP and a throw away free email account.


Paladin, be careful how you answer his questions, if you don't want your wife to know about this. If he starts parroting back to his wife what you've told him, she could possibly think that your wife is the one that contacted her husband and try to contact your wife to verify.

I know some people here don't agree with doing this, but cheaters keep cheating because they think they can get away with it. And often do.

I think if you filled a hall with 100 happy couples. Told them, "We are not suggesting that your SO has cheated on you, but we have a 100% full proof way to tell you if your SO has cheated on you, and all's you have to do is raise your hand and we'll tell you before you leave here.", you'd get big show of hands.

And the majority of the hands that didn't get raise would be attached to a people that has something to hide.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: Need Advice*



GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Paladin, be careful how you answer his questions, if you don't want your wife to know about this. If he starts parroting back to his wife what you've told him, she could possibly think that your wife is the one that contacted her husband and try to contact your wife to verify....


We have a very transparent marriage now, I don't keep things from her, and she doesn't keep things from me. We continue to discuss the issue, and she reads this thread. Her opinion has shifted toward informing him, she favors anonymity, and I would be careful in how I phrased my answers should I choose to make myself available for a followup/reply. 

I do appreciate the words of caution, this is obviously a sensitive issue that will have a significant impact on some individuals. If I can contain that impact to the betrayed husband, his disloyal wife, and my anonymous email address, I will be comfortable with the outcome.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Be prepared to be lashed out by the BS. Then you gracefully bow out of the situation.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am glad you are telling him. Do you have evidence for him? Or a way he can find his own evidence? Because if you don't then this will not be taken seriously. Will you be giving him all the TAM rules so he can discover the truth himself? 

If someone told me this info I would want and need to find the truth for myself. I would HAVE to! It would be awful if someone only gave me half a story and then left me to 'deal with it'.

I definitely believe you should be on hand to answer any questions he has. It is cruel to just inform and disappear. You could even talk him through the process if necessary as if he was posting right here on TAM.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

3putt said:


> This is where you're missing it. He's not starting the fire, that guy's wife did by sleeping with another man. Okay, maybe I'm just not right for this site. I've seen this thrown out way too many times before, and it makes me sick. If things had been done right to begin with, this trainwreck of moral epiphanies wouldn't exist today in this situation.
> 
> I don't know. I do know that nothing frustrates me more than seeing people having to ask if doing the morally correct thing is the right thing, even if it is some time later.
> 
> ...


Truth strikes again.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What FACTS do you have? I think it is important to be sure you convey only facts and make it clear the extent and limitations of what you know.

For example, just saying "your wife was cheating on you with Billy Bob in 2010" might not be true. What his wife said may not be true. Or it may be totally believable and there was substantiating evidence.

I agree with the general sentiments that he should be told about the affair. What would be horrible is to tell him enough to destroy his marriage but not enough to really prove the affair.


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