# I feel so alone.



## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

well, this is the first time that I have ever done anything like this, but at this point, after weeks of reading posts on here, I feel like this would be better than just sitting in my own self misery. Backstory:
My husband and I have been together for 7 years now, married for 4. We have a 4 year old son, who is nothing short of perfect. We have always had some issues, one being that he came from a very bad childhood, and we both, for lack of a better word, have "daddy issues." His father basically abandoned him from the time he was 4, till he was a teenager. He is the youngest of a handful of children, I am an only child. He grew up in a poverty stricken home with drug addictions, I grew up with my mom and gma as my sole providers. 

7 years ago when we met, it was like meeting my other half. Everything that I was not, he was, and visa versa. We fell in love almost immediatly and to be seperated was almost breathtaking. Skip ahead about 2 years later, we were strugging financially, and his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We moved to be closer to his mother, whereas we both had been living far away from home. Upon the move, his whole family was close, and yet mine still was 1500 miles away. I was okay with this however. It was hard, but we had each other. He began having issues with drinking, keeping a job, and hanging out with some less than good influences. 

We found about we were pregnant about 5 years ago, and it was like the light had been found again. He began making goals for himself, for our family. I got a wonderful job and was moving forward in my career, and we had an amazing little boy to show off to the world. Shortly after, his mom unfortunatly passed away. It was as if the world had come to an end. The drinking came back, he quit his job, began fighting with family members, cutting people out, and having new substance abuse as well as mental health issues. It all went down hill pretty fast, but through it all, I stood by his side. I always felt that if I was good enough, strong enough, loved him enough, in the end, this too shall pass, and we hold strong. 

Skip now to the September. He had an episode if you call it where his mental health issues were at an all time high. At this point he was hearing voices, locking himself in rooms, and threatening acts of self harm. I took my son and left, and called his friend to come help before the cops were called. He woke up about 4 hours later on the floor, not remembering what had happened, or what he had done. We talked a lot about that incident, and decided he needed to get help, however when we went to the treatment center, they evaluated him and said he would only qualify at this point for outpatient services 2 times a week. Well, needless to say that went in one ear and out the other. In about October, his behavior continued to be off. He began hanging out with another female at his work A LOT, (yay for alcholics and drug addicts working in A BAR!) and needless to say, one thing lead to another, and now, he in a matter of weeks, he has up and moved out, moved in with her, and gave me the "i just have fallen out of love with you" speech. She is now posting things on websites about them and it just makes me want to throw up. THe other reason I want to throw up, is as of this week, I have discovered that I am 8 weeks pregnant. 

We are at this point barely speaking other than drop off/pick up of my son. And I know at this point, all of you are probably thinking, why on Gods green earth would this woman want him back?!?! Well, to make it simple, I am a Christian woman, I believe in my vows, and when I see him, at this point, all I see is a lost man stuck in the claws of infidelity, the substance abuse, the mental health issues, and and grief and loss of his mom, (and now dad because they are no longer speaking). I have asked if he would be willing to consider counseling several times, as has his true friends and family. He just says he fell out of love a long time ago, and he is not sure how counseling would help. I have been reading a lot of these posts and it definatly appears he is reading from the typical script of a DS, and is completely wrapped up in this fog. I see the real him come out every now and again, but at this point, am seeing that less and less. I know he will at this point have to hit rock bottom, but just am terrified at how far that really is?!

I am not sure what I am wanting to hear from others, but I just wanted to at least get it out and off my chest. By the way, in regards to the pregnancy, the extent of converstation we have had about it is me telling him, and him saying "sigh, we'll talk about it later."


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## Ithinkitsover (Nov 9, 2010)

I can understand where you are coming from. I too am a Christian man. I have struggled because my wife is still in the middle of an affair. I continue to love her and do what I can for her, but I also realize she needs to make the choice to end the affair and rejoin in our marriage. There are times when she makes no contact with the OM. At those times she begins to make progress and we begin to have normal times together again. Then she breaks down, calls him, sees him, and begins to regress again.

At these times I pray to the Lord. I ask him to give me the strength to give it to him. I love her like Christ loved those who crucified him and I have been reading like nothing else. There are a few books I can recommend if you want to PM me.

There are others on this forum that will offer more sage advice and are rockstar posters on this forum. This is my first post because I have been afraid to post. Just know that I will be praying for you. 

"When you dowhat is right and suffer for it...this finds favor with God" 1 Peter 2:20
"A righteous man falls seven times, and rises again" Proverbs 24:16.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

Thank you so much for your response. I know I am not alone, but boy, it sure does feel like it. Its so hard because they work together and now he has moved in with her and takes my son around her (even though I have asked him not to) and its like he packed up his whole life, forgot about the 7 years I stuck by his side, and decided to start a whole new life. I just pray every day and night that this will pass eventually and God will help me find the light in the darkness. My focus now is trying to force myself to keep food down because of the new baby. Just so lost. Did I mention that the "other woman" is married too?! She's trying to get a divorce asap. I just dont understand women sometimes. Or men for that matter. Humans should have some sense of respect for others. Doesnt help I am sure that he has no responsibility now. No nagging, no restrictions, hes acting like he doesnt have a worry in the world, while I feel like I am drowning in a sea of it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I am also praying for the strength to get through a very similar situation. My wife has been in the "fog" for atleast a couple of months now. I pray several times daily but I know that in time God will work it out. I see signs quite often that contradict her words and actions about being done with me and our relationship. I have days that are awful and days that are not. I have days where I want to throw in the towel and give up but I don't feel the time has come for that. I feel like I owe it to myself, my daughter, my family, and my wife to fight til there is no fight left. At this point, fighting is simply waiting on God to move. Hold on and don't give up.
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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

Do you have your daughter Mark? At this point I have my son except during the day when he is with him (and apparently her). I have no idea how he can just walk away from us, from his son, and now, a new baby. I am almost positive that he is using pain killers...I am just so sad. Pray, stay strong, and never give up hope. Thats what I am hanging on to right now.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Right now, we split time with her a week at a time. What bothers me the most is that she is so unreceptive to anyone who has a sense of moral. Her father's side of the family are supportive becaus many of them are guilty of doing the same things. Most of them don't go to church so this explains their stance. What helps me keep hanging on, aside from my faith, is her saying she doesn't want anything to do with me and that she doesn't care for me but she texted me today concerning a major car issue. She also texted stating she would rejoin our bowling team after staying away for a month. She also refuses to leave the church we both attended as a couple nor does she want me to leave. Maybe I just have blind optimism and am in denial. I'd like to know what you think coming from a womans perspective.
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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

I think that we are both perhaps having some blind optimism, but at the same time, this is a situation that only those that are going through it, or have gone through it, seem to understand. Dont think that people who care about me, or even us for that matter havent told me to give up/RUN! But even before I knew I was pregnant, I knew that is not what I am meant to do at this point. I dont know if he'll ever come back (although interestingly enough, everyone says they think he will once the fog lifts), but I know that for now, I just need to focus on my self, and my children. I actually have the full support of all "our friends" and his family. I completely agree with the unreceptiveness to anyone with morals. He has basically shut out everyone that ACTUALLY cares about him, and isnt just his wayward friend, the second I exposed the affair. The other thing that keeps me hanging on with him is that we rarely EVER fight. We see each other daily and text during the day about our son, or random things. I know everyone thinks I am crazy, but I just always feel like if "SHE" would just go away, this would solve a lot. But at this point, he is totally wrapped up with her, as it appears your spouse is too. He works with her, lives with her, and I am pretty sure at this point, they are both enabling each other to justify using. Also pretty sure that both my spouse and yours are getting their ego stroked a bit at this point by the other person.


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## Ithinkitsover (Nov 9, 2010)

I deal with the same issues with my wife. What has actually worked for me is when I point out that she has changed as a person. When I tell her that the woman she is now is not the woman she was even six months ago, nor the woman I married she actually looks inside and realizes what she is doing. Then she changes a bit, becomes apologetic, and begins to work on things. That is until she breaks down and sees the OM again.

I hold optimism and hope that each time will get better. The first time she last one day. The second time she lasted three days. The third time she last two weeks. Right now we are on our fourth time. That isn't fourth affair, just the fourth time she has turned back to me to say she is willing to work on it.

When she shows care for me and shows the wife she once was it gives me a ton of hope. When I felt a little under the weather she was willing to drive way out of her way to bring me medicine and soup. It definitely gave me hope that there is something deep inside of her that still cares and wants to continue to care.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

well, when I point out that he has changed, his response is yes, I have, we are not the same people, which is why we have grown apart.
how long did it take till she came back that first time. I am just in the new stages of this charade, but it seems like this is never going to happen, even though everyone says it will.


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## Ithinkitsover (Nov 9, 2010)

It took three weeks the first time. It finally came to a head where I just gave her some honest, tough love that I told her it didn't matter if she wanted to be with me anymore, it was more important that she realize what kind of person she has become. I told her that she had become a woman who was willing to lie not only to me, but also to her family, her friends, and even to herself. I pointed out to her that is not the person she wanted to become and not the person she was when I married her. 

I can't say that this works perfectly. I am actually waiting for Affaircare or Tanera, or F105 to drop in on this and tell me everything I am doing wrong. I can tell you that prayer works, following the Lord's will, and loving unconditionally. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. 

I also cannot recommend that you stay or leave your husband. That is between you and the Lord, ultimately. I tried to walk away from my marriage. I was all set and done with it. I had been abused too many times (emotionally). I was leaving the boxing ring to grab my stuff and go. At that point God grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, tossed me back in the ring, and told me I was not done with this marriage. Needless to say I have accepted the Lord's will is much stronger than the ideas I have.

He is amazing.

I will be praying for you.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

at this point he is not lying about the other person. He text me yesterday saying he just wanted me to know that I have done nothing wrong, that I am a wonderful woman and the most amazing mother he has ever known. But then he goes to work or to her house and poof, its like I dont exhist. The weekends are the hardest because I dont hear from him for days...he is not even calling/texting to check on our son, which has NEVER been like him until this other person came into the picture. Before her, no matter what troubles we had, our son was the most important thing in the world to him. He is so selfish. I had a rough night last night. Cant sleep, cant eat. My head says I need to be strong, keep going and be there for my son and my own mental sanity for right now. My heart, however, is shattered. His close friends and family have all been confronting him lately telling him they will not accept this other person.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

well, I am a mess...not sure whos reading these anymore...see a lot of reads, but no responses. Anyway, so I went to the doctor on MOnday. They said that my hormone levels were really low, and to come back wednesday because if they are even lower than, this could mean bad news...oh, and their advise "dont stress." riiiight. So I go home, and my husband, who is now barely speaking to me, comes home to drop off our son. My friend was over so she took my son so we could finally "talk" about whats been going on, the seperation, my pregnancy, etc. He proceeds to tell me that he thinks that he is sorry that I am upset, but that he is no longer in love with me. HE says I am a wonderful woman, I've done nothing wrong, He would never want to have his child with anyone but me, but he doesnt want any more children, and I should "consider all my options while its still early." I just stared. We are both so against abortion...who is this man I am talking to? I told him that I wish he would consider counseling...he said counseling wont fix anything..."all they will do is try and trick me into feeling something I do not. At one point he even said he has doubts the child is his since we;ve only had sex 1 time in two months. I just stared at him. I think he knew that was just nonesense. I know what it feels love to be in love...and I am no longer in love with you." I told him that I had given him everything...every part of me....for years....thinking it would be enough, and now, I've just been replaced. I told him that we have never tried counseling before, and I cant believe he is just walking away from everyone and everything he has ever considered important. (this is not just him cutting out me....hes cut out his family, his friends....all but this *****, and her family.) He would start getting emotional, eyes filling up, then would get up and walk around, and get all serious again. My heart has never felt so empty. I have lost my soul mate. He left last night, while I sobbed in tears, saying that he wanted to take our son for a few hours on christmas eve, and I could have him christmas day. Just a few hours later, I started spotting, and at about 6:30 this AM, I began to miscarry. I text him and told him he got his wish. He didnt answer. 2 hours later he text me and asked if I wanted him to watch our son for a few hours while I rested. I told him no. I am so sad, so lost, so alone. I feel like my whole family has been ripped away from me just in time for Christmas. I feel like I put 7 years of dedication into this man, and some other woman is now enjoying it. All his family and close friends said this wont last, this is going to blow up in his face, and he is going to either end up 1. hurting himself, 2. hurting someone else (he has a temper towards other males when he drinks) or getting arrested. They say for me not to wait on him....and I know I need to just focus on myself and my son right now. I am just so sad. I have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my family....and now am looking into the eyes of a stranger.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

why do I still love him said:


> well, I am a mess...not sure whos reading these anymore...see a lot of reads, but no responses. Anyway, so I went to the doctor on MOnday. They said that my hormone levels were really low, and to come back wednesday because if they are even lower than, this could mean bad news...oh, and their advise "dont stress." riiiight. So I go home, and my husband, who is now barely speaking to me, comes home to drop off our son. My friend was over so she took my son so we could finally "talk" about whats been going on, the seperation, my pregnancy, etc. He proceeds to tell me that he thinks that he is sorry that I am upset, but that he is no longer in love with me. HE says I am a wonderful woman, I've done nothing wrong, He would never want to have his child with anyone but me, but he doesnt want any more children, and I should "consider all my options while its still early." I just stared. We are both so against abortion...who is this man I am talking to? I told him that I wish he would consider counseling...he said counseling wont fix anything..."all they will do is try and trick me into feeling something I do not. At one point he even said he has doubts the child is his since we;ve only had sex 1 time in two months. I just stared at him. I think he knew that was just nonesense. I know what it feels love to be in love...and I am no longer in love with you." I told him that I had given him everything...every part of me....for years....thinking it would be enough, and now, I've just been replaced. I told him that we have never tried counseling before, and I cant believe he is just walking away from everyone and everything he has ever considered important. (this is not just him cutting out me....hes cut out his family, his friends....all but this *****, and her family.) He would start getting emotional, eyes filling up, then would get up and walk around, and get all serious again. My heart has never felt so empty. I have lost my soul mate. He left last night, while I sobbed in tears, saying that he wanted to take our son for a few hours on christmas eve, and I could have him christmas day. Just a few hours later, I started spotting, and at about 6:30 this AM, I began to miscarry. I text him and told him he got his wish. He didnt answer. 2 hours later he text me and asked if I wanted him to watch our son for a few hours while I rested. I told him no. I am so sad, so lost, so alone. I feel like my whole family has been ripped away from me just in time for Christmas. I feel like I put 7 years of dedication into this man, and some other woman is now enjoying it. All his family and close friends said this wont last, this is going to blow up in his face, and he is going to either end up 1. hurting himself, 2. hurting someone else (he has a temper towards other males when he drinks) or getting arrested. They say for me not to wait on him....and I know I need to just focus on myself and my son right now. I am just so sad. I have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my family....and now am looking into the eyes of a stranger.


I'm so incredibly sorry for this hoRrible experience that you are going through as I'm still in this hell my self I post under "broken and alone" I'm not sure if I have any advise but your story has brought me to tears. I will pray for you and your son they keep saying that time heals all wounds I'm not sure if I believe that but I hope for the two of us that it is true.if you want to speak privately just pm me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ithinkitsover (Nov 9, 2010)

All I can say is that I will be praying for you. You need it more now than ever.


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