# we are done...



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Wife just left after me telling her we are done. Im nervous but strangely excited as well. We'll see how everything goes... she says shell keep this amenable, so we'll see. Totally nervous about getting back into the dating scene again... its been a while. Wish me luck 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You might want to consider a break in between your wife telling you that she's done, and you going out dating again.

You don't need luck, you need time.

Otherwise you're just going to set yourself and your future dating partners up for a whole bunch of heartbreak.

They say that the first relationship failure following the demise of a a long term relationship can actually be a harder hit than the failure of that first long term relationship.

Don't ask me who "they" are but they're right. I can speak from experience when I say that it tends to be true. Rebound relationships have a high failure rate, and when that rebound relationship hits the skids it's bad news all around.

Slow it down.

Give yourself at least a week before posting that dating profile.

You need time to heal


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree with Kindi. Don't do that to yourself or to the person you might date. It wouldn't be fair. Take this in-between time for yourself so that when you do date, you are sure you are the best you can be and that you aren't dragging the old relationship into the new one.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Oh yes... im nervous about dating again... but its not going to happen right awqy for sure ... i need some me time to do more exploration and understanding of myself. Ive never been without someone, so i think sone alone time will give me some much needed opportunities to explore who i am WITHOUT someone else by my side.

I know this will sound a little weird, but what guidelines do you guys have for moving past/on quickly? I do ntmean getting back in a relationship, but things that you do or should do to "normalize" you after a long term relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> Oh yes... im nervous about dating again... but its not going to happen right awqy for sure ... i need some me time to do more exploration and understanding of myself. Ive never been without someone, so i think sone alone time will give me some much needed opportunities to explore who i am WITHOUT someone else by my side.
> 
> I know this will sound a little weird, but what guidelines do you guys have for moving past/on quickly? I do ntmean getting back in a relationship, but things that you do or should do to "normalize" you after a long term relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't know that I can really answer that. When school was in, going to work helped keep things somewhat normal. Now that's out for the summer, catching up on stuff around the house helps, but not as much. Seeing friends helps although I don't do enough of that. I started doing a hobby I enjoy that I hadn't done for years. That helps while I'm doing it. 

I think the only thing that will really help is time. And I think that eventually 'normal' will look different than it did before.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> I know this will sound a little weird, but what guidelines do you guys have for moving past/on quickly? I do ntmean getting back in a relationship, but things that you do or should do to "normalize" you after a long term relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why move on quickly? -- There is nothing "normal" after a long term relationship. You're gonna learn things about yourself and that is going to take time. If you ignore this part of the process by trying to move on to quickly, you may find yourself in a worse place.

Don't rush things.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ move on in terms of dealing with grief, pain of loss, etc... even though i'm pushing for divorce (well, it's mutual i guess) I am under no illusions that i will have a time where i miss her, want her back, etc... me head says this is a good decision, but my heart doesn't quite agree. so moving past that point... this is what i anticipate my struggle being..

i'm in no hurry to get shacked up again... not at all. so in terms of "moving on" in my question, it's not what you are suggesting.


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

After I divorced my kids father, I started going to an amazing class. It was taught by a team of psychologists about this very thing. 

Anyway, we learned that one of the steps people go through after a divorce is called, "come close but go away". Basically, you want to be close to someone, and push really hard for that intimacy and familiarity....then all of a sudden BAM...from out of nowhere you pull back. You start making excuses why its a bad idea, etc...kind of a self sabotage. It happens when you push too hard too soon to get into a relationship. Supposedly the relationships that follow a significant one need to be REALLY REALLY slow to develop- ease into things.

Dont know if this helps any....


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

What was the reason for the break-up.. how old are you.. how long were you married, do you have any kids?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ no kids, we just can't come together on goals and we are virtually incompatible in pretty much every way, and been married for 6 years - I'll be 29 in a few weeks.


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