# Help!! Wife Just blew up! Divorce. Out of blue!



## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

I'm new, can't sleep, and found this place.

I have been out of work for three weeks, but still have our family farm for a modest income.

My wife works full time at the same place I used to, but in another capacity.

We had been having problems, one of which was my drinking that was driven by stress on the job and time stress on the farm. 60-70 hours a week on the job, and then at least 3-4 hours a day on the farm.

She gave me an ultimatum a month ago about drinking, and I quit. It's been hard! Sometimes I don't sleep, sometimes it's all I can think about, but I havn't touched a drop.

One of her issues was me not doing things around the house and putting things off, untill she does them.
Part of it was me taking any time not at work or on the farm to have a few, or a few too many.

The other part is she would find tasks that weren't pressing, when Farm work was pressing on the one day I would get off and not raining.

Since I have been off work, I have been trying to get caught up on her wants first and the farm has suffered, and I don't have enough wood cut and split for winter yet.

Today she came home from work to meet her Mom and take her to the doc, I was just home from running an errand(Returning all the Beer cans I had piled up) and asked if Had finished the Mud work on the porch(Sheetrock finishing) I replied "No, just got home, started cleaning up a bit and stopped to eat".

She said "I'll finish it when I get home" and I replied "Great, I'll get the Rotovator on the tractor and get it set up before it rains and is too muddy to get in the field".

So then she comes back home 2 hours later after I am closing up the barn and have finished a portion of the field, and asks "Did you get the mud up?" I answer "No I was in the field..." and she cut me off upon opening the credit card bill.

From there she exploded..

"I have treated her like a slave, and shes tired of it, I am lazy and just do what I want to do or she has to do it, I am an idiot for spending 125 dollars at the hardware(New Bar and chain for the Saw needed to cut heating wood) store when I don't have a job, she should have left me years ago when we started building this house(Our dream house that I agreed to everything on, and she designed/decorated) because she knew I would get fired or quit to farm full time, I am using her as a meal ticket and I wont anymore because in the morning she will be going to the Divorce Lawyer alone if I don't get out of bed in time....and went on and on.

I was shocked, hurt deeply, and had no way to reply to her traps as she laid them out, and then she told me she dosn't trust me because I lie to her about not drinking, and it's divorce now.

Then started talking about her living in the house untill it sells, because I don't have a job to pay for it, and we can be friends after we split everything evenly , because it would be nice to be my friend as I always put them first, and she has never been first..... and on and on untill I had to vomit from nerves, and an athsma attack that set in.

Then she tried to make me leave and I refused, and told her I would sleep upstairs in a spare room untill she calms down and we can talk. That set her off again. No talk, no counseling, just a lawyer in the morning, and I had better get used to not spending money because she wont be around to pay bills.

Then I went for a walk to clear my head, as she called the MIL and was laughing about it to her, almost bragging.

At this point I had said next to nothing other than try to explain why I didn't finish the room and to plead for counseling or something..

I love my wife, I know I havn't been the greatest, or paid enough attention, but I never saw this coming like this.

I vomited for 20 Min. and walked the whole farm trying to get my head straight. I then called her mom to see if she could be any help, or explain. Nope. She's been married 6 times, and flat out told me maybe my wife had had enough, and she was tired of bieng "The Rock".. but she would pray for me.

When I came back in she went upstairs.
She was packing, to stay at a Hotel for the night, then a knock on the door. BIL/SIL were here. They went with her to the Hotel I guess, but don't know.

On the way out, I asked her if she would please consider counseling or a time out, or living apart in the house, and she just sneered at me and said "Maybe" in a sarcastic tone.

I'm a mess!!! I want to drink bad but wont. I keep having Athsma attacks, and keep vomiting.

I need to sleep, so I can be up when she comes back or calls, because I sleep untill I get up unless someone wakes me and that is one of her biggest complaints about me.

I Can't lose my wife!!!!!!!
I am trying hard to come around to where she wants me to be, but have only stopped drinking for a Month, and am trying the best I can....

I didn't finish the porch because she told me to, and have been busting my hump where I can.

She says I have been drinking but havn't, and can't make her believe or trust me on that and the whole thing is flying apart in my head!!

I do NOT want a divorce and she told me I don't have to, she can get one without me, and that's what she will do...

I don't even know where to begin.

One of my friends offered me a temporary place to stay, but I don't want to leave the house, I love this place we built, and the Farm we have put so much into.

How can I ask, convince her to go to counseling and keep on giving me a chance?

Part of the problem was her bieng angry all the time at me, and me just wanting to get away untill she settled down...That led to me avoiding her....I wanted that to change and have been tolerating her bieng really Mean to me lately.

Man..I'm sorry to dump this all on you guys...folks I have never met. 

I need help and need it fast, and don't have a clue, and my friends are telling me to hurry up and pack, close out the accounts ASAP....

I don't, and wont give up though.

I just need to know how and where to try harder, if I can get her to wait a bit.

Thanks...
Dinger


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are not dumping but venting and that is what we are here for. Maybe in a couple of days she will come around. 

Why did you have beer cans in the house if you had been sober for a month?

Can you get a part time job? Or do more around the house? Would you be able to keep the farm/house if your wife leaves?

Do you two have kids?

How long have you been married?

draconis


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Draconis,

Thanks!!!!

No kids. Married 18+ years. Farm and house are on same Ag loan. Cans in trash bags in Garage get behind over months, as I hate taking them back, and so does she. Pile in the Barn is the problem. I started bagging them and taking them back which led to the bottom of the pile. I was drinking a 30 pack per week back then. The bottom of the pile had several oddball bottles from a small party I held for my harvest crew. She took it as I was drinking again...

I have a occaisional gig writing for a trade publication, and waiting on part time work for min. Wage. Nobody is hiring here, the area is depressed badly.

I have a good job waiting locally, but not untill mid Deember to after the new year.

Unemployment hasn't come in yet, and my former employer makes it a point to contest all claims...I know, I was a supervisor and sat in on the meetings when others got the axe, or were "Phased out".

I have sold off some stuff I didn't need, and have put a few "toys" on the market to help ease the stress on her income, but she keeps only seeing "Next month, and then what do we do".

Our savings are good, as is the account for next seasons farm inputs and operating costs. My working the field myself instead of hiring it out saves us on operating costs to the tune of half of my old income, and more because I don't tear things up like hired hands do.

She has target lock on income, me bieng a leech, and drinking while bieng lazy it seems.

I dunno where Lazy comes from, I was working 60-70 hours per week and still kept this farm in the black with enough revenues to cover successive seasons operationg costs for several years now.

I keep old hardware running by constant Main.t and rebuilding it instead of buying new and going into debt.

Our only debt is one tractor, the house/Farm, her new Jeep and our CC's that get paid off monthly.

We heat with wood. Last year total fuel bill was $375.00 and includes the stove and water heater. 

Half the wood we cut two years before and seasoned,went to the MIL. so she could have heat on a fixed income, and I figured I would just have to double up on the cutting/splitting.

Yeah I'm venting..Thanks!!
I can't sleep, my fingers are tingling, and I keep getting light headed.

I hope you are right about her calming down and looking to some counseling with me.

I have been trying, but apparently not enough, and not soon enough, and should have looked for help sooner.

Thanks!!!
dinger


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You will get others on here that have had similiar issues as you. The best thing you can do right now is to start work on yourself. 

You stopped drinking which is a plus, how about AA?

Are you in good shape? SIlly question I know because most farmers are in great shape, but have to ask if there is something like jogging that will help you look better, AND releases chemicals in the brain to make you feel better.

Normally I would ask about hobbies, but you can always include fixing up the house as a hobby. Try to make it a point to do atleast an hour a day cleaning/fixing the house.

She abandoned the property so if you do head for divorce chances are you can retain the property. Call your state bar association. Most have some sort of free legal. In Maine we have pine tree legal. Lawyers who have yet to pass the bar have to give xxx hours of free service at the local courthouses every third thursday. Atleast someone like that could help.

If you can get counciling for yourself. trust me it has helped so many people.

draconis


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Draconus,

Thanks...

I refused to leave. Though because of the way the property is legally owned and financed(Ag is vastly different) the debt burden is shared, as well as revenues and holdings.

I cannot afford to make payments on the farm alone untill the new job starts, and any savings will likely be frozen as soon as a lawyer is involved.

The hour per day on the house sounds good, but we just built it.

It's upgrades like a three season room into a 4 season room. 
Finishing the stairwell with better trim and teadles.

I'll keep exercise in mind while cutting and splitting wood, I don't do much aerobic stuff anymore and it might help keep me from thinking about Beer. Icecream and Skoal aren't helping much anymore...

I appreciate it!!

I'm going to try and get a nap if I can, so I will be awake if she calls or comes back before going to a lawyer.
I would be hosed if she did and I was asleep..again.

Thanks!
Dinger


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

We will be here when you need us.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Wow read all of this and what is going on.

Sounds like she is a "alpha female" she wants control and anything you do is not good enough.

Cograts on getting Sober, you should get some AA counseling and maybe some personal counseling as well.

Why did you get laid off from your job? Did she have a better job with the company? was she the big earner in the family?

If so, she will have to pay alimony to you, if she divorces you.

She sounds very head strong, don't take this the wrong way, but you seem like a follower not a leader, your a good hard worker, but not a take charge kind of guy.

Apparently this has been brewing for a long time and something has pushed her over the edge, probably the loss of the job.

Doesn't like she wants to work at the marriage, sorry buddy. 

Get some legal advice, get bank records tomorrow so she does not drain your account, Tell your lawyer her income helps support the arm so when they decide how much alimony you will get it will eb covered.

She may call you all kinds of names when it comes to finances, but think of it as a Stay at home mom in a divorcce, they do all that house work and take care of the kids, hard to put that in $$ figure, same for farm work.

Frankly, I think you may be better off, she does not appreciate your hard work.

Get AA help, your in a bad position right now.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

GaSoccerman,

Generally she is not alpha female, and I am far from subordinate normally. Since I lost the Job(Numbers reduction at my level) I have been trying to keep her happy.

She worked for the parent company, and I as a contractor at the same facility. She's on the technical side, I was on the Management side of my company, but her income was about 1/3 higher than mine.

Havn't looked into AA yet, but will as soon as I get my wits back.

The accounts records is a very helpfull suggestion.

It keeps me from having to move things around and create hostility. I don't want that if she decides to try and keep things together.

Still havn't heard from her since she left last night, so I'm off to vote, hit the credit union, and start calling around for a Lawyer just in case.

Goofy thing is, I don't have anywhere to go and can't imagine not living here or farming this place...

Thanks!!
dinger


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dinger-

First of all congratulations on the drink stopping! How many people can just go cold turkey? Don't ever look back you are a star!

Your wife is just going through a crazy patch - who knows what triggered it. But the best thing you can do when other people around you start loosing their heads is to be super cool. Ice baby, ice.

You sound very hard working to me, perhaps you did not quite prioritize correctly in the past, but you sound like a very worthwhile guy.

This is my advice: Play for time.

Do everything you need to do, as if things were normal. When your wife realizes that she is the only one that is running around like a headless chicken, she might just look at herself. Do not attempt to talk to her about the relationship. Point blank refuse to discuss divorce or lawyers. Wait until her mood has normalized, or she apologizes.

Unless there is something you are not telling us, she sounds like she is having an affair - or thinking of it. Just watch and wait. But be super cool. All things are revealed to he who waits.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Congratulations of stopping drinking. It takes a big and brave person to do something like that without any outside help, and regardless of all else stay sober for your own sake. Others have suggested going to AA, and I would think the support you will find there will be beneficial. 

Start making what changes you are comfortable with making - because it has to be something you want to do for your own sake and not just to appease or win back your wife. Seek some individual counselling to help you deal with your current situation, and ask your wife if she will consider marriage counselling, because you do love her and that although you ultimately want the marriage to work, you want her to be happy.

Sigh...I don't know if any of this helps and considering my current situation, I'm not sure I'm best placed to be offering advice anyway...but just my current pennies worth.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

the drinking thing is huge...don't go back...you will be tempted...it's amazing the clarity that comes with sobriety...things start to make so much sense...and follow mark twain's advice...play for time...she's really in a rush, for what??? be patient...

oh, and say a prayer. He listens.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Drinking never helps your problems, or make them go away. It adds to the ones you already have. Hell, if drinking will help solve my problems, and don't cause me other problems, I would be drinking like a fish. LOL


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

dinger said:


> GaSoccerman,
> 
> Generally she is not alpha female, and I am far from subordinate normally. Since I lost the Job(Numbers reduction at my level) I have been trying to keep her happy.
> 
> ...


you are a good guy dinger, a very good man.
You have been working all your life have been married 18 years, you have been working incredible hours everyday and your wife got no reasons to lash at you as she did.
she is stressed because of the economical situation and its only at you she could lash
she got tobecome aware that her alone reason to feel as she does are frustrations that she needs to come out with but she must stop to do so by lashing at you and founding failures on you. She msut learn to do so by talking to you about the things that got to her but nowt being mad nor mean at you. thats very wrong of her to do so.
and you ahve been very strogn and kind ot keep up with that for so long.
No surprised you neded up drinking..
tell her that there is lot of men that drink for no reasons at all or for far less.
its very good that you could summon the courage to stop on your own and keep at it sdhe should be more thnakfull to you.
Tell her that too.
You 2 should stand together. she shouldnt work agaisnt you thats stupid of her and mean.
I cant beleive that she kept at it thus you were vomitting and havign an asthma crisis.
she got to stop and to cool down.
you two need to talk more often and in other terms shtis is eating you both up.
tell her " do you know that there si couples out there where the wife work all day long and the man is at home doing nothing, playing on a computer watching porno and chatting with ladies all day long?
I am sure that you can make it work but she has to respect you better.
Know that hse is wrong and that she shouldnt treat you so badly.
I am very sorry for what is happening to you.
Ask her if she is mad cause you dont have kids.
She dont want couceling becasue she needs it badly, real bad..
tell her that and even invite her in here cause she needs to see things from another angle.
That she doesnt beleive that you dont drink is a problem of trust and thats not good, she got to trust you specialy when you have been working so much and have always been there for her.
form what you said she cant do that to younow tell her about the loan and all and that she got at elast to wait.
I found shocking that she come with it klike that and wants to call lawyers imediatly.out of th eblue. oyu never cheated on ehr or did wrong and look at her! she dont like you odnt do soemthing that she had just told you not to do!
put her back on it.
She is going too far too fast and she isnt very clever nor kind to do so to you when you always have been nice to her, and one dont ask for divorce like that out of a bad day.
What she needs is a vacation. 
Too much work + economical problems looks like being too much for her and you both in the long run.
You both need a break. Not form each others but form life hardship.

I am sorry for you, really.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Ashley,

Thank you.

I have earned her distrust in the past when asked to do things for her and either forgot, or figured to do them later.

She keeps going back to this, and She has given me 18 years of chances. Then states I will make some other woman happy, now that I am dry and working on my faults....as I will be "Broken in".

She's cold now, and never was like that before.

I'll keep trying as long as I can, but I don't think I can change her mind to give me a tiny chance before divorce.

I asked again tonight after I cooked dinner and we worked on the porch a bit, and she is almost sarcastic about counseling.

Thanks.
I appreciate the vote of confidence.
Dinger


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dinger said:


> She keeps going back to this, and She has given me 18 years of chances.


if we had a dollar....seriously...for every time the words were uttered "i've been giving you chances for xxx years" we'd be relatively rich men. women know what hurts, okay. and that phrase hurts, but it should reflect back at them. as in, "is that right honey? i don't remember having that conversation with you."




dinger said:


> She's cold now, and never was like that before.


defense mechanism, pure and simple...act happy around her, regardless



dinger said:


> I'll keep trying as long as I can, but I don't think I can change her mind to give me a tiny chance before divorce.


buy time...every day that your name doesn't appear in the legal pages of the paper is a SECOND CHANCE



dinger said:


> I asked again tonight after I cooked dinner and we worked on the porch a bit, and she is almost sarcastic about counseling.


you're working on the porch together. that's a great time to NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING SERIOUS. let her take a breath! she just vomited a bunch of crap on you, she needs to breath!!!

draconis has a phrase for winners who don't give up.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

dinger said:


> Ashley,
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> ...



Next time she laugh at you about counceling tell her that she is just as her mum and will end like that with 6 divorces, cause her mum didnt took any advices and here is what happen.
Tell her that you are not superman nor perfect and that you never said so, nor does she made a vow of marriage to only stay if you were perfect, and that she isnt perfect either and is a real harsh piece of women to live with, and that she dont even realise that so arrogant she is!
tell her to stop a minute and listen to what she is saying and complaining about: that you work too much!
tell her "did you look around and see what other couples do? most men dont do 1/10th of what i do to make this marriage work, so the least you could do will be to help me in it and the last thing you have crave to can do is to critisise me that way and hurt me for no reason. I am no angel, but you aint either, and right now you tlak like a devil, so give us both a break and try to have more common sense and see how unfair what you are doing is. After 18 years, i deserve to can have a counsler and you too you need that, even you cant see it. You beleive that life will be rosy when i will be gone, but reality isnt so. The problems is not me nor comes from me, the problem is in you too. its not what i do who is so wrong, it is how hard life is on us both." She act like she decide everythign and like if you work for her and she can fire you, cause she think you are not effective enough. 
tell her that you could also do nothign when you come home. its not cause you are married to her that you have to do dobble work, but ýou did so for 18 years. So all her complains are unjustified,. She wants to control you far to much.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

voivod said:


> draconis has a phrase for winners who don't give up.


Winners are losers that got up to give it one more try.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I was thinking along with Void, maybe she is having an affair, oftent hey throw their spouse under the bus to make themselves feel better of justify their own guilt, but we have no evidence to support such claims.

I agree, give it time, Be strong.

Best of luck, and keep the farm.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I am convinced she is having an affair.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Affair?

I don't know. She works afternoons, and if it was with someone at work, someone else would have let me know by know.

The folks I used to work with see and hear everything.

Her mom is going through breast cancer treatment right now, and she really dosn't have time for an affair, at least I wouldn't think so.

I hope not. I would forgive her, but it would be another Mule kick to the chest.

I just want my wife back.
This is 

Thanks gang!
Dinger


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi dinger,

I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through with your marriage. I can see from her perspective where over the years she has built resentment due to your drinking and maybe the financial pressures of late put her over the edge (the last straw type of thing) but I am still perplexed that she would classify you as a leech :scratchhead: Working up until a short time ago, tending to a farm and doing projects on your house and I just wonder how she brushes that off like it's nothing and zones in on the negative. Laughing about the situation with your MIL is another sign that her anger is over-ruling her emotions and it will be difficult for you to get through to her, especially if her mother is encouraging/supporting her thoughts.

I should add that her mom having breast cancer is likely very stressful for her and if you were not there for her emotionally, it may have added to her anger or feeling she is done.

At this point, stay your course with staying sober and do what you can to better yourself. Hopefully when you start the new job you will find some financial relief. In the meantime, if you do have the opportunity for a calm talk with her, I would suggest really thinking about what has made her get to this point of anger...does she feel too much stress with her job/finances and resents you? does she feel she needs to deal with her mom's cancer on her own? does she feel you care more about the farm than her happiness? If you can focus on those things, maybe there is some compromise...if she sees you are being understanding and want her to be happy...it might be sell of the farm or let a neighboring farmer farm it for you, etc. (I have no idea what your options are but you get where I'm going)

I hope you are able to reach her at some point soon. Hang in there.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Swedish,

Thanks. We had a talk last night after dinner( I made her favorite) and after I ended up breaking down pretty bad and taking a walk.

She feels I am a leech because she is working and I am not, and the other day I slept in untill 1000 on sunday, almost like when I was drinking and had a day off. 

That set her to distrust again.

I have in the past not been there for her, for example she asks me to cut up some logs and said she would split them, and I told her I was busy running irrigation on the one day I was going to get for another week. She said her saw (Smaller saw) wasn't cutting well, so I offered to sharpen her chains real quick before I got back to the irrigation.
I was drinking as well as repairing and running lines....
I never even gave it a second thought.
I was bieng a terd and a half.

I have offered to help her with her mom and was told "My Mom dosn't want you helping her, because you wont even take me to the doctor".

Stemming from a day not so long ago when she had a minor cellulitis infection, and after I nagged for days for her to go to the doctor, she waits untill my day off and the only day within a week to harvest, and has to go to the afterhours clinic and wait for several hours to get in.....
I asked her if she was OK to drive, she said yes, and then told her that if for some reason they admit her to the hospital let me know, and give me a call if she needs a ride back.
Granted. It's a low class move.

$20,000 worth of ripe fruit ready to fall in the next rain or wind storm, and my next day I could harvest was six days off.
I'd let a million dollars worth of fruit fall today...
I didn't realize it would hurt her like this.

I can change my way of thinking, of things if I know I need to change... Now that I am dry, I am seeing things and remembering, I can't blame her for bieng angry, and hurt.
I never wanted to hurt her with my stupidity.

Now I just need a chance to show I CAN go back to bieng who I was, before the Beer and time pressure made me an ass.

She's gun shy right now, and in a hurry for the divorce.

As for leasing out the farm, that is a losing proposition.
The revenues lost would put more stress on the primary jobs, and the time spent on the farm now that it is under control is minimal compared to what it was several years ago.

I can only keep trying to prove to her I CAN change, not ignore her if she will let me be around her, and pray she takes another chance.

A divorce will cost both of us a life together, and everything we have worked for and dreamed about.

It's a life really, not a financial agreement, and it feels like I have lost my own soul when she pulls away from me if I reach for her hand.

Thanks again.
Yakking about it helps.

I'm just going to keep trying even if she says she is done.
I am going to try to get the farm in the agreement if it goes that far, that way if she changes her mind later, we still have the dream we built together.
Don't know how long I could hang onto it, but I gotta try.

Thanks!
dinger


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dinger said:


> Swedish,
> 
> Stemming from a day not so long ago when she had a minor cellulitis infection, and after I nagged for days for her to go to the doctor, she waits untill my day off and the only day within a week to harvest, and has to go to the afterhours clinic and wait for several hours to get in.....


there's no such thing as a MINOR cellulitis infection



dinger said:


> $20,000 worth of ripe fruit ready to fall in the next rain or wind storm, and my next day I could harvest was six days off.
> I'd let a million dollars worth of fruit fall today...
> I didn't realize it would hurt her like this.


amazing how our mind thinks when we're up against it.



dinger said:


> She's gun shy right now, and in a hurry for the divorce.


she's worn out, whether it's your fault or not.



dinger said:


> I'm just going to keep trying even if she says she is done.


exactly...identify the things that are driving her away, and adjust. oh, and continue to pray. He listens.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Voivod,

Yep.

Tonight she came home, and I was hoping that after last nights talks, she had done some thinking.

Apparently she had. I tried to be upbeat, and supportive of her training at work that has had her a bit stressed out.

Then she flatly dropped a question...
"Are you going to drag this divorce out?"
"I don't want to drag it out and lose all our money to lawyer fees, so if you are I'm going to find my own lawyer and get the ball rolling instead of sharing one."

Then we talked a bit after I got the lump out of my throat.
I thought she had understood I did not want a divorce, and would do everything I could to return her trust along the way.
Nope.

So again I explained that I have an appointment with the VA for the Booze issue, and broke the news that I have a strong possibility of bieng hired on at a better job, that payed better, and had fewer hours, and was working to change my patterns and way of thinking now that my brain isn't addled half the time, and looking to get addled the rest of the time... 
Made plans to help her Mother out this Sat. and even asked if she would consider a movie with me.


I thought we had a good evening of it considering, but every time I would mention work on the farm for next season she would roll her eyes, or shake her head...

That just rips me apart.

I screwed up, and it will take time for her to let the hurt I put on her fade, but I gotta keep trying.

Thanks!
dinger


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dinger said:


> Voivod,
> 
> Yep.
> 
> Tonight she came home, and I was hoping that after last nights talks, she had done some thinking.


i'll guarantee you, she has done some thinking

here's the hail mary...ask her:

okay...with all our issues i'll bet you wish you could do this, so listen close...if you could wave a magic wand over us and wake up tomorrow morning and everything is perfect, our relationship would be healed...what would you see tomorrow? what would be different?and remember it's a magic wand, you can wish for ANYTHING and it's done...

this will give you a general idea of what you can do to get back togerther...

like i said, it's a hail mary (like the last second pass down the field...but i'm sure you know the reference)...



dinger said:


> Then she flatly dropped a question...
> "Are you going to drag this divorce out?"



honey, i agree with you decision and i think you made the right one for you at this time. thank you for loving me as you have for all these years. i don't know how it is that this hasn't happened before. you deserve a medal for making it this far. that's why, out of respect to you i have committed to become everything for you that i should have been. i know this won't be easy for you because of all the resentment that must've built up, but i want you to know that i believe in our vows so much that throwing xx years away is just not what i'm made of. i sincerely apologize for what i did to put you in this situation. i've made it my life's work to honor you.




dinger said:


> even asked if she would consider a movie with me.


good...but wait til you find her in a positive place to ask her out.



dinger said:


> I thought we had a good evening of it considering, but every time I would mention work on the farm for next season she would roll her eyes, or shake her head...
> 
> That just rips me apart.



next season is forever, very abstract to her...she's been living day to day on you...don't push her that far into the future...



dinger said:


> I screwed up, and it will take time for her to let the hurt I put on her fade, but I gotta keep trying.


exactly...you GOTTA keep trying.

oh, pray...He listens.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Voivod,

Thanks!!

The advice is appreciated! I'm trying to think of things myself, and know my own emotional state creates a less than successfull situation.. Have never been this freaked/scrambled out about anything.

I actually tried a bit of the hail Mary, and was told "Even if you could change(She dosn't understand the difference between drinking and dry thinking and behavior...she's only known drinking for the last several years) you would slip back like you always do, and I have too many scars, I can't forget"

But just a few minuites later, she gives in slightly and says, "I want to go back to when we were happy too, but I just can't trust you, you'll slip back slowly like always". referencing the last time we had a blow up, and me sleeping in because of drinking.

The whole sleeping late thing just seems to be a sticking point with her, because She works afternoons, and I worked 0700-1900 with 1-2 days off in a rolling 72 hours, few weekends off for 8 years. If I slept in on my day off, I was "Ignoring her".
Granted, some of the sleeping late was becasue of the drinking, most of it was because of lack of sleep.
I also don't just get up without an alarm or someone waking me up and that just drives her nuts. 
She dosn't need an alarm clock, she can make a mental note to get up at 0530 and she gets up at 0520, even after a time change, or in a different time zone.

Like a doofus, I never even thought about it bugging her that much, just figured she would accept the fact after 18 years and wake me up!!!
She says she "Shouldn't have to wake me up if I had wanted to spend time with her".
Now that I am not thnking about drinking all the time, the thought occured to me, "Goofy...they make alarm clocks, set one on your days off.."

Now that I am not working the old Job, I can reprogram my sleep patterns to normal. I wish she would just give me time to see this.

The other things that came up:

One is in the bedroom, and is off the table for now. She wont even let me touch her hand right now. When things seemed positive and light last night, out of habit, and without thinking I was walking by and leaned in a bit for a smooch, and caught myself as my stomach knotted up..she laughed about it.
If we get to the point I address the matter, it will be easy now that I am not drinking and avoiding her in order to drink...I was an ass..

Another is easy...just show her I love her.
Been trying like mad with that as well. But the time pressure is killing me our appointment with the lawyer is for Tuesday, and I can't even hug her, kiss her, or hold her hand.

She finishes her two week training cycle at work today with a final exam, and I am already up and working on Baking a cake for her, have a couple of really nice steaks marinating, and put together insalata Mare's, with some Faggioli e' Pancetta for a side. I like to cook for her, and she likes it when I go nuts with the Italian stuff. Or she did.. I dunno anymore.
I gotta get a handle on Baking from a mix though..

The last thing she mentioned was me spending time with her.
I AM TRYING!! One problem though. It's hard right now.
The air is pregnant with the obvious topic at hand, and I can't talk about Divorce or who gets what, and all that without my gut knotting up, getting quesy and light headed...
She wont talk about the future, as there is none according to her.
And I have untill Tuesday at 1100.






As for the movie.
We had a few light moments, and I asked.
Her answer. "I wanted to go to the movies last sunday, but you slept in" (I slept untill 1000).

Good advice on my comments about the future!!! Thanks!

Unfortunately, that's where I dwell, and cling to it.
My reality is what I do now on the farm, dictates what sort of yield we have next August, and affects the health of the bushes(Blueberrys) for years to come. I think ahead one season in the immediate sense, and 3-7 years as the near future.

And to be honest, right now I am trying to bust my hump on the house and field to prove to her I am not lazy, and at the same time it is wrenching my gut to the point of tears, that I am doing this work for us, and she is going to just flush it all away and give the results to someone else. 
We took a scraggly uncared for field and woodlot, and created a working farm and built her dream house together.
We cleared the trees and stumps for the house by hand and Tractor. I have bled all over this place, and so has she, getting it where it is. 
I can't just stop, flick a switch, and start thinking about something else without her in the future. I have never lived any other way since I got out of the USMC and we got Married, and fer cripes sakes I was farming growing up.

Her living day to day with me... I never even considered that.
Dang....

That is the sort of thing that likely would come up in counseling, and help us both. I wish she would go with me, and I keep asking. 

Thank you!!! That's the sort of stuff I needed to hear.

I do keep praying, and several friends are praying as well.

The closest thing we have to a Pastor is my Buddy, who is a Pastor, and my wife resents, though she has a religious base.
He has been helping me a bit here and there.

Time.... I am praying for time, I can bust my hump for 5 days straight and no sleep. It's all I have.

Thank you again!!
Dinger


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

draconis said:


> Winners are losers that got up to give it one more try.
> 
> draconis


:iagree:

I like your attitude.. :smthumbup:

I get knock down..but I get up again .. nothing going to keep me down.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

Dinger my firend sounds like you pulled a page right out of the storybook of my life let me give you some advice my friend im a stubborn SOB and it took me awhile to learn this stay positive around her no matter how much it hurts dont push the issues you have with her right now just back off act happy and she will slowly come around i promise you that and learn this phrase im about to type........ learn it.... love it .... live it.... "I WILL SAVE MY MARRIAGE" everyday when things are tough utter this phrase it will put you in a positive state of mind work on yourself my friend women are attracted to the man they fell in love with dont let her see your pain its a sign of weakness and it will turn her off trust me on that been there done that stay positive my friend do good things for yourself things will change!


CPT


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Capt.

Thanks!!!

Am waiting on the scond layer of the cake to get done.

I figured out another thing I could do...

Part of the problem is in the bedroom.
She has been after me for years to get fixed/Snipped.

I have been putting it off for the obvious reasons between a guys ears, and the fact that you have to take some time off of any heavy work for a week or so.

Well, I just made an appointment with the doc. to get snipped.

Problem is it's the day after we are supposed to meet with the lawyer, and couldn't get in sooner.

Either way, It's gotta get done if she's gonna change her mind, even if it's after she starts the divorce, and I don't want (Long story, got some damage issues.)kids anyway.

I know she's gonna be looking for weakness, but dang it's hard when she's bieng so cold, and hurtfull at times.

No quit, but trying to undo years of hurt in a few days without her help and no ideas is killing me!!!

Thanks!!
Dinger


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I sense that the farm itself may have caused some resentment on your wife's end. The time you spend on it, the way it exhausts you to a point you have no energy for much else, and also having to hold down a job outside of that to keep things going financially I'm guessing has a lot to do with her feeling neglected. You may be able to give her what she needs and still keep the farm, but from her perspective she may not think it's possible and might be looking to see whether you'd give it up for the sake of your marriage. It might be worth talking about if you would seriously consider that option.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ok then...too late for cake pointers but for next time if you didn't already...

use a paper towel to rub margarine inside the pan bottom and sides and then put some flour in...shake it around to coat and empty the excess...cakes need to be cooled well before taking them out or they break easily.

Cool on a wire rack before you frost them or the cake will crumble into the frosting an create a big mess!


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Swedish,

You may be right about that.

But now that I am not on that 50-70hr a week job with call ins and last min. schedule changes I have time. Now that I am not drinking I WANT to spend time with her.... badly.

She is convinced I cannot change for long, and will just go back to the way I swear I will never be again.

That, and she says she cannot get past the hurt I have caused for years, and dosn't want to just delay the inevitable.

She dosn't believe, or want to believe I can change now that I am dry. 

I just gotta try...

Thanks!!!
dinger


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I know you don't want to rock the boat with her, but I noticed in one of your posts you mention she talked of sharing a lawyer. Be careful here. Whoever retains this lawyer is the one the lawyer represents to my knowledge. Even if you agree on things the wording and details will lean in that person's direction. If you do get to that point, it might be best to work with a mediator to talk through the agreement and then use separate lawyers to review it to be sure to look out for you. I did this with my ex and we didn't pay much for the lawyers, in fact our mediator gave us some low cost ones but it is worth it to have someone look out for your best interests. I hope it doesn't come to that, but wanted to let you know so you have your ducks in a row just in case.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

the life you describe is insane busy. you ARE NOT LAZY BRO, and she's got a huge awakening coming in the next life.



dinger said:


> "I have treated her like a slave, and shes tired of it, I am lazy and just do what I want to do or she has to do it, I am an idiot for spending 125 dollars at the hardware(New Bar and chain for the Saw needed to cut heating wood) store when I don't have a job, she should have left me years ago when we started building this house(Our dream house that I agreed to everything on, and she designed/decorated) because she knew I would get fired or quit to farm full time, I am using her as a meal ticket and I wont anymore because in the morning she will be going to the Divorce Lawyer alone if I don't get out of bed in time....and went on and on.


you're being abused as i read it. verbally abused. two sides to every story? i'd be intrigued to hear hers!



dinger said:


> then she told me she dosn't trust me because I lie to her about not drinking, and it's divorce now.



okay, it's gonna take awhile to earn back trust for that one. but is that really an issue for her, or an excuse to rage???



dinger said:


> Then she tried to make me leave and I refused, and told her I would sleep upstairs in a spare room untill she calms down and we can talk. That set her off again. No talk, no counseling, just a lawyer in the morning, and I had better get used to not spending money because she wont be around to pay bills.


no counseling, no talking? ok, sign right here acknowledging that i left due to your request. i AM NOT abandoning my marriage. here, sign here honey



dinger said:


> On the way out, I asked her if she would please consider counseling or a time out, or living apart in the house, and she just sneered at me and said "Maybe" in a sarcastic tone.


okay, i'll take that maybe as a possibly. and since i don't see myself giving up XX years without a fight...you "maybe" hearing from me within the next 24 hours, with all due respect. i "maybe" asking you to go to "my" counselors appointment to discuss what "may be" a possibility at saving this marriage. otherwise, expect that i will fight as hard as i can for what i believe to be right.



dinger said:


> I'm a mess!!! I want to drink bad but wont. I keep having Athsma attacks, and keep vomiting.


nahhhh...i have 4 coors lights in my refrigerator left over from last saturdays BSU game. my wife will have two of em tomorrow. they're just takin up space. (sober since may 19th, 2008.)



dinger said:


> I need to sleep, so I can be up when she comes back or calls, because I sleep untill I get up unless someone wakes me and that is one of her biggest complaints about me.


you have some major anxiety about pleasing her. the problem is, as i read it, she can't be pleased. take care of YOURSELF dude.



dinger said:


> I Can't lose my wife!!!!!!!
> I am trying hard to come around to where she wants me to be, but have only stopped drinking for a Month, and am trying the best I can....


check out tw jackson on the internet, might help.



dinger said:


> She says I have been drinking but havn't, and can't make her believe or trust me on that and the whole thing is flying apart in my head!!


you aren't drinking, she can't take that away from you



dinger said:


> I don't, and wont give up though.


never, never, never give up.


I just need to know how and where to try harder, if I can get her to wait a bit.

[/QUOTE]

again, a winner is a loser that...

draconis?


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Swedish,

The cake came out OK. I forgot about chilling it before Icing, but muddled through.

She was surprised, and thanked me, then went right to Divorce details...just what I didn't wish to hear.

I asked again if she would just wait a little while, and see that people can and do change..her reply was that she can't take the chance on hurting anymore, which led back to the night of the blow up, and the details of my "Sloth", which she has been baffling me with all along.

Later on she admitted that she overreacted on the initial blow up and said "If I had known that we could have saved all this mess(Meaning she thought I had sat around all day, and she missed the details of winterizing a couple impliments and then tilling untill dark.) and not be going to a Lawyer.

I figured it was my window and told her yes, but now I know exactly how much it has hurt you, and I feel the same, I have to keep working on this.

Now a guy would figure at this point, she was admitting she blew up erroniously, was making false accusations, and would back pedal a bit, at least make a little nice, and start talking about trying to fix things up. Nope.

That's when she started talking about annual finance on the farm, so that I could keep it, and the fact that the annual crop will pay the Mortgage(She still dosn't understand Ag- business and cash flow) so I should try for that.

OH!!! Almost forgot... I told her I was gonna get snipped with or without the divorce, and she told me not to, so I could have a Family with the next gal...:scratchhead: She knows dadgum well I don't want kids of my own.Then she told me that if I wasn't so selfish I might want kids...
Earlier she mentioned that she is too old for Kids and I am not, and the next gal will likely be younger...

I'm beginning to think she wanted Kids all along and lied to me, or the MIL is beating the Granchild Guilt drum again.
Hell of a time for that Cat to get outta the bag!


Tomorrow should be entertaining to say the least.
She works OT (She volunteered in order to pay bills that are already covered, out of pure panic mode) untill 1100,and then will visit her Mom. 

I mentioned seeing a Movie (Madagascar II is out!!! Whoot!) and asked if she would like to come along, and left it open.



I started out today making the Cake and prepping Dinner, and wanted to get 3-4 hours of field work done this morning.

Ended up Cutting and splitting half a Cord of wood, to burn off the constant adrenalin dump.
It's a good thing. I'm too tired to be as wound up as I should be, and I am making headway on the wood supply deficeit.

One issue is resolved, the lazy thing. Half a dozen more to go, plus this thing about Kids...

I guess it is progress. Just wish she would go to counseling with me, as I suspect the real issues are veiled by her stress and our wonky communications.

On the Lawyer thing. I'm covered I think. 
I have a Lawyer Buddy who is keeping me in line, and will step in if needed as my own. I didn't call him for both of us, because the Wife knows Jarheads stick together and wouldn't trust him to be impartial.


I appreciate you guys and gals yakking with me on this.

Like I said, My family have all passed, and all my friends just keep saying "Eject".

Logical advice and encouragement from strangers is rare, and it's really nice to have.

However this thing ends, you folks have been a great help in keeping my Marbles in the bag.

I can't thank you folks enough!
Dinger


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Voivod,

Thanks!!

Her side of things past, I will agree to, to a point.

The slave thing bugs me.

I have never asked her to cut or split wood, she does it and expects me to feel guilty if I don't join her at that moment.
Granted the incident she is still boiling over was two years ago and I was sleeping in due to drinking hard on the previous day, but with 16 Cords cut already..

I miss "Clues" for some reason.

It's one of the things I gotta work on, and I wish she would go to counseling with me so someone else could explain the concept of just saying things, instead of laying verbal traps and hints.

"I should know" ?????

That one kills me. 

The drinking and the muddy head that goes with it is most of it.
Taking her for granted , and her me, seems to be the rest.

We both have enough blame to paint Texas.

Just wish she would to to counseling with me.

Thanks!!!
Dinger


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

16 cords??? that's several seasons of wood!

the counselor would give her a "safe haven" to vent in a healthy, constructive manner. at least a decent one would.


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Voivod,

Yep, at least one season plus a bit.
Remember me mentioning we cleared for the house?
Also had to clear for the Barns and 8 acres to open up the field.
We had a nice supply, and were ahead of the game so we could cut at our leasure.

We burn wood exclusively, and in a Hybrid High efficiency/ low emission fireplace that has two remote zones to heat the whole house.

Last year we went through 9 face cords, and only used Propane for the water heater and stove. $300 bucks for heat for the year.

The wife however saw fit to truck over 5 Cords to the MIL. and leave us nothing fully seasoned for this year.

All she had to say was we would be cutting and splitting for her mom as well.

If we patch this up, I'll be wearing out another Husky catching up LOL!!!
She is NEVER getting near a saw or the splitter again if we do.
She tears stuff up bad, and I can't deal with the other issues.

If she wants to get crazy and cut things, she can murder the Grape vines that are trying to take over the Field.

dinger


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

Gang,

Just an update. Busted my butt around here again today, and when the wife got home, she halfheartedly agreed a Movie would take her mind off of things for a bit.

The movie (Madagascar II) had a couple scenes where the Girraffe who is madly in love with the Hippo, goes on a rant about making sure his gal deserves to be treated like a queen, and made to laugh often, etc. and I got punched in the arm HARD by the wife..

Long story short, for some reason, and no explanation yet...
she is planning on me cooking for thanksgiving.:scratchhead:

I asked if it wasn't just a bit awkward having her soon to be Ex husband cooking for her Family that (It's become obvious one of the in laws has already made an offer to the wife on the farm...I have friends who have big ears) has been urging her towards divorce?

She just shook her head and said she knows better, is still angry with me, but will give me a chance not to slip back into old ways.

I didn't ask any questions, just let it go, and stole a kiss.
She just looked at me and said, don't push it, I'm still mad at you.

This is a good sign. Nothing about cancelling the Divorce, or anything in particular really. Just an obvious opening for some reason.

Somehow, somewhere today, she settled down enough to think logicly, but as usual, is going about things in her own way.
I just have to give her her head, and let her have the time to explain exactly what is going on between her ears.

She's still very upset, but thinking, and talking about the future a bit.

Thank you!!!!
You folks have been a godsend in all this!!

I'll update again when I know more, but for now, it's looking better, and Possibly we can patch things up.

I appreciate the encouragement, and advice!

Stay safe!
dinger


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

so, i don't care what you say , this is a victory. just stay on the straight and narrow, keep doing what is right with NO DRINKING and no behavior that would lead her to believe you are drinking.

when she settles in to the familiar, do yourselves a favor and invest in a little couples counseling so maybe she can put a finger on what makes her so hostile at you. because there's no need for that.

enjoy your life man. congrats!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dinger-

You need a short term plan and a long term plan.

The short term plan is to play for time. You may have to kiss a bit of ass  - But don't be a lap dawg.

But all of this is inside the long term plan. The long term plan is to "firm up" as a man. A real man does not need to drown himself in alcohol - you're already dealing with that - but beware thanksgiving/Christmas - it can suck you in. Once you have your wife back on track, you must not allow the fact that she appears to have given you an ultimatum, as a way of her always (and forever more), calling the shots. This is where you have to be firm. You will know when.

You have not been lazy, but it may be that you worked hard very hard, but on the wrong things. Your drinking proves that something was going on.

The kiddy thing will have to be addressed at some point, but do not get her pregnant by accident.

One thing you have to watch out for is that she may not have your best wishes at heart. If this proves to be the case - and you have no kids, or none on the way - you may be better off dropping her. You come across as one of those "pure in heart" types. Don't get yourself crucified for no good reason.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like you have your chance. I hope the best for you. Don't push your limits but keep doing what you ae doing.

draconis


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## dinger (Nov 4, 2008)

MarkTwain,

I appreciate the advice. It makes sense.
I'm not rolling over on who I am, just reorganizing prioritys I had badly skewed previously towards myself and the Beer.

I still have "My time" projects that I also have ignored in the past, and will be catching up.

Short term, mend the fences, and keep them up.

Long term, I am working on. I'm still gathering info on where this all is going and how solid it is.

The wife seems genuine about things, and still hurt.

We will see what happens. I am keeping my eyes and ears open, as I can see this as a possible tactic in the divorce.

She may have the council of a Lawyer, who filled her in that now is a very bad time for her to file for divorce, because it is.
She would lose badly.

There are a few loose ends on the business side of the farm I am going to shore up just in case. I needed to do it anyway for other reasons(Labor Liabilitys etc.) and not just this one.

On the drinking....
I'm done. It is tempting, sometimes overwhelming, but I am done. 
Which kind of really stinks because we had planned to venture into wine production as a diversification of our fruit crop market.

Thanksiving and Christmas will be a challenge at a few Partys, but I will not stay long at those, and my friends will understand.

I hear ya on the wife taking the reins and running me.
One of the reasons I love her is that she never has been controlling. I'll look for it, so it dosn't just show up unexpected someday. I can see how that could easily happen after a row like this one. Her trying to protect her gains, me trying to keep the good will that has been re-established.

"Pure hearted"? Thanks!
That is a compliment. I am glad I can maintain that, considering my employment history. Most of my peers are easily tagged as jaded, and somewhat justifiably paranoid of human nature.

I will take that into deep consideration, as my wife is one of the few people I know, that I trust. Right now, that might not be the best thing, even if things are looking up.

Thank you!!
The advice is appreciated.

Stay safe!
And BTW, Happy belated Guy Fawkes day!!

Dinger


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

dinger said:


> I miss "Clues" for some reason.
> 
> It's one of the things I gotta work on, and I wish she would go to counseling with me so someone else could explain the concept of just saying things, instead of laying verbal traps and hints.
> 
> ...


I have been guilty of this myself and after reading some about women vs. men I saw over and over that men are much more direct in their communication whereas women tend to be more elusive and yes sometimes expect you just to know...Not that it's a good thing but not so unusual. 

Maybe it's the farytale dreams of having our spouse so in love with us that they just know the right things to say/do all the time...in any event, what works for me is in the last year or so my husband has really stepped up to show me every day that he loves me & if he sees me looking stressed or sad always asks if I'm okay and if there's anything he can do...just knowing he cares about me has made a world of difference...I don't expect him to know why I'm upset anymore. I have learned I need to tell him, but the fact that he is so close to me now that he easily recognizes my mood makes it much easier to open up.

In your situation since you have so many things to tend to, it may just be a matter of planning more as a team so she is part of your life in that sense. Your situation is different than most because your work is not predictable...leaves at 7 home at 6 and is based on weather, daylight and will continue to interfere with things she might have planned in her head and then is disappointed...if she agrees the farm is her dream too then just be mindful to keep her in the loop of all that needs to be done and prioritize together what other things will happen and when so she doesn't feel like second fiddle.


dinger said:


> Gang,
> She just shook her head and said she knows better, is still angry with me, but will give me a chance not to slip back into old ways.
> 
> I didn't ask any questions, just let it go, and stole a kiss.
> ...


This is a great sign! It probably took her a long time to get to the point of asking for a divorce and once she pulled that trigger her emotions were at a state of not looking back, especially when her family has encouraged her to go this route. At this point she risks you slipping back and her family there with the 'I told you so' and then feeling horrible and alone in her decision to stay. She will definitely need time and patience from you right now so that she gets comfortable changing gears.

'She just looked at me and said, don't push it, I'm still mad at you.' speaks volumes to me. I believe she is saying I can't be mad at this version of you I see right now, but at this point I am way past just ignoring the past and letting it go and giving us a shot going forward. I think what might help her at this point is a third party to talk to and put your situation into perspective for her...a place where she can give this a fair shot and have boundaries in place so she doesn't feel so vulnerable in the process. If the moment presents itself in the near future, you may want to bring up counseling again...if things continue on a good path.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dinger-

I'm glad things are settling down. Just remember what a certain person said: "Be ye as harmless as doves and as wise as serpents".

I must say, I am still mystified at how she called you lazy. From what you say, you work non stop.


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## PlantsThings (Dec 8, 2008)

(Quote
>>Ashley,

Thank you.

I have earned her distrust in the past when asked to do things for her and either forgot, or figured to do them later.

She keeps going back to this, and She has given me 18 years of chances. Then states I will make some other woman happy, now that I am dry and working on my faults....as I will be "Broken in".

She's cold now, and never was like that before.

I'll keep trying as long as I can, but I don't think I can change her mind to give me a tiny chance before divorce.

I asked again tonight after I cooked dinner and we worked on the porch a bit, and she is almost sarcastic about counseling.

Thanks.
I appreciate the vote of confidence.
Dinger<<
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I think I know exactly how your wife feels right now. I just started feeling that same way. There have been over 12 years of promises and no changes for the better (there also is some verbal abuse with name calling etc., so this is a bit different this put more on my shoulders than just those broken promises, I also have hardly any items left that I brought into this marriage as he shattered/broke/destroyed them in his fits).
Today he was SAYING he was fine with helping me hold a flashlight to try and get an ingrown nail out, but as usual, what he said is not what he thought, so all of the sudden there is a slew of accusations on his part (I forced out a deep breath due to the pain of trying to get that nail dug out, he accused me of doing it because I am upset over how he holds his flashlight). It's been like that all these years, constant belitteling, accusations, I've even been accused of starting a fight (and seeing he was very upset didn't even dare open my mouth during his one hour rage)...
I've reached a point today where I feel completely dead inside, an erie calm inside, I see with total clarity that this will never work no matter what the next promise would be (i.e. promised counseling appointment multiple times, last one about 5 years ago ended with me being in the counselor's office alone at the second appointment, with the counselor assuring me that at least 5 messages where left for him at his work and a letter sent). All I want is to no longer walk on egg shells, not longer have this feeling of "dread" when it's the time for him to come home from work. I'd rather be alone in a little old shack without enough to eat than go on like this any longer.
I don't care what comes next, I just no longer believe the promises, no longer believe he ever truly loved me (but my housekeeping and cooking skills which are limited at this time).
(And for those who feel pitty next: don't, I can manage pretty well as I have had to this last year since there is no help on his part, either because he is working the first half of the day or not willing or angry the second part of the day)
I have been in a wheelchair for over a year now (I have a bad knee due to someone's hit and run when bicycling to work in the 90s) and, on top of this, I "had to" tear my ligaments in my other foot last year (my husband insisted he really wanted to spend some time with me and since he never really has, I actually went to meet him and during the first nights stay I took a mistep and tried to "catch up with the forward momentum" - bad mistake) and I wish I could get out of this thing faster (after just 7 sessions of phys. therapy there was a 4 month delay due to an move out of state which resulted in further muscle loss and a fight with the health insurance co. to resume treatment), but things are moving very slow. 
(I wish I could blame his behavior on the current state of things, but like I said: it's been like this for years)
I am just burned out (and I bet so is she). Most of us can take only so much until we no longer believe the promises, then we start hoping against all hope, then we hang on to the last thread of that and when it goes, we grow cold inside. 
Our value systems come from our inside (family, friends, etc.), men's from the outside (cars, "toys", etc.). We see things with emotions and need emotional stimulation to feel close to a person, guys only need the "word" sex to be ready for more...(sorry, but we do function differently, so it had to be said). If a man truly loves his woman, the thing he needs to give her most is respect and understanding (yes, guys, this means swallowing your ego for a few moments and actually acknowleging her feelings are valid, not "crap" not "blackmail" if she tears up and so on). Remember how you first felt and reacted when you first started dating! Try to draw on that feeling (don't let her feel lost and alone in this relationship that's supposed to be a partnership)! And most of all: don't even tell me that women don't say what they want! (I can ask for a bologna sandwhich and he brings me a salami sandwhich because HE thinks it's better or because that is what he decided to have!) I think if we spend just a few more minutes REALLY listening to each other, REALLY talking to each other (instead of being glued to front of the TV of PC), many relationships would go to the point of "doomed"/divorce in the first place.
I've read somewhere that in most cases once you reach that state (feeling cold and disconnected), there is no return, it certainly is how I feel. But if there is just one glimmer of hope in her, you can do only one thing: make an effort to get a job (any job, even a walmart greeter will do! Even if only until your other job is available), do not ever pick up another drink - 30 drinks/day is not normal, it's "AA-stuff"! - do not push or beg or plead with her (actions speak much louder than words). Give 200%, be consistent, do not break another promise (unless you have a reason like you were hospitalized, you were run over by a car, or such)! Do not try to be a husband if she shows any interest, be a date, be a friend (most of all a friend!). Be patient, be kind...
If all of it fails, keep doing what you where anyhow, some marriages reconcile even during divorce court or even after IF they are ment to be. Keep going, go to work, do your work, keep a tight routine and let God work out the rest!


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