# I'm still not divorced but still confused



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

This is an update to my emotionally draining situation.

So we had sex for the first time in 18 months. I understood that she was under a certain amount of stress with bills (As was I, but she sees it differently)

I told her if there was any chance of saving this marriage that she needed to take action. I was not about to keep trying to pull her closer when she didn't want to be close.

The other weekend I had a rare day off on a Sunday, a day she normally has off as well. I mentioned that if she wanted to try and make amends of any sorts, there was an opportunity. Whether she would take it or not was 50/50. I wasn't expecting anything.

She wanted to go out on a date, have a meal, watch a movie. I was not into the idea. Then she said "I know you're thinking about a lot of things right now. We can try to have sex." It had been 18 MONTHS...I was just going to do it because my body needed it.

After, the words "..try to..." stuck in my head. That, and the fact she wouldn't kiss me (She didn't want to mess up her lipstick was her reason).

Of course, after we went out but my mind was constantly analyzing the sex. My body had released that sexual frustration, for the time being. But there were emotions that weren't there.

I thought 'maybe this is the start to something new. Maybe there will be more next time. Maybe things will be different.'

Almost 2 weeks later, after doing some research on lube and buying some to make things more pleasant, I told her I would be going home early. That day I normally worked late but I mentioned I hoped that since it was her day off and the end of the day, that we could be more passionate about a love making session.

5 hours later (I had already been home for 4 hours) I received email that she was on her way home from work. Although a national holiday, she had to work. She said "I can't do it at this pace. You need to slow things down. I want to be honest."

I'm all for honesty, and if you're not in the mood, then by all means take time off. But 2 weeks earlier we had it for the first time in 18 months. How much slower does it get.

I knew talking about it would turn into a fight. I sent a polite message back telling her how I felt. I was no longer in the mood and no longer interested in having a conversation about sex. Her reply was "Let's go slower, like once a month maybe."

Right there, making it out to be a chore. Not cool. But this is where I have to ask the veterans on the board. How many people think I'm asking too much? How many think she's being selfish?

She said she would see a therapist (That hasn't happened) and a doctor about her hormones (That hasn't happened) and that she wanted a second chance, that has happened but the doors seem to be closing shut real fast.

I honestly think, right now, that if a young handsome man were to approach her, talk about how pretty she was and how nice her smile was, flirted and showed he had a physical attraction to her, that all those wonderful feelings would come back. I know, because that's happened to me. I just haven't acted on them. And it makes me feel like crap (Knowing I could possibly have a chance to get those feelings back but never giving myself the chance.)

Today was my day off and I've kept busy most of the day. I went to the gym, prepared my meals for the weekend, done shopping, kept cleaning (In case I do need to move quickly). Now it's back to feeling like crap. And I'm still sitting here trying to figure out how to make things work.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When does your divorce come through? Have you filed?


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> When does your divorce come through? Have you filed?


Where I live in the world it works like this:

You get divorce papers from city hall.
You both sign them.
You get 2 witnesses (Friends/family) to sign them.
You hand them in and you're done.

There's a box on it that asks 'Are you going to court' which people do when there is money or children disputes etc. However, since we have neither to dispute, the only reason it's not being handed in is because she hasn't signed it yet.

If I hand it in without her signature then we could end up in court where a 3 member council will ask why she hasn't signed and we end up fighting about where to take the relationship IN COURT. Because she's had an affair, it wouldn't take long to get them to approve. 

I don't think it would go that far. I do think she is thinking about money. She would have to move into a much smaller place and pay all her bills on her own. She's a lady in a male dominated society and she worries about her future in the company she works at. This plays on her emotions as to signing or not signing, I'm sure.

I did find out she's been getting advice from a non-professional counselor, a lady, who based on 'experience', calls herself one. This same person is also into network marketing and has my wife signed up. This means her best interests are in keeping my wife happy with HER. A seriously messed up situation since my wife is also being blinded by the possibility of making money through a different means, one I have serious doubts about.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I say quit being scared and just do it. She cheated on you, she acts like a roommate to you... it is obvious she has lost all respect and love for you. 

The only one keeping you in this misery is YOU. She is obviously not going to change or do anything to revive the marriage, so if she is not willing to fight for it why should you? 

If all it takes to divorce is a simple, cheap visit to the clerk of the court, what the hell are you waiting for? Most people would love to have an opportunity to get out of a dead relationship that easily! :scratchhead:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> She would have to move into a much smaller place and pay all her bills on her own. She's a lady in a male dominated society and she worries about her future in the company she works at.


Why is this your problem? Shouldn't she have thought about this before she cheated?


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

She cheated 5 years ago. I moved out. She wanted to reconcile. She moved in with me. At first it seemed like it was going to go well, a scar on the relationship but a relationship nonetheless.

She didn't think at all. But that's the past and I've got to move on from that. If she ever cheated again, it wouldn't even be a question of making arrangements. 

I would, in all honest, like to end this peacefully. Once done I would have nothing to do with her or anything about her. She knows that if it's over, it's over completely. I think she wants to stay a part of my life.

She just walked in the door so I'll see what I have in store for the evening. I hope it's not fighting because I'm done fighting. Right now she's getting the feeling of indifference from me.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> This is an update to my emotionally draining situation.
> 
> So we had sex for the first time in 18 months. I understood that she was under a certain amount of stress with bills (As was I, but she sees it differently)
> 
> ...


She wouldn't kiss you because her lipstick would get messed up, while you guys were being intimate?!

Intimacy once a month?!

Dude. Totally not OK. It's not normal, you should not "settle" for that, you have been separated 18 months and deserve a healthy intimate life with a woman who wants the same things that you do. If you were both still married and living under the same room with an in-tact marital relationship, I'd say go to counselling. But you've been separated for over a year! Do not "settle".

To me, physical intimacy is a big perk of being married and if it's not there...that's a big problem. I've always missed that part of my relationship with my ex, because it was good. Any intimacy we had after our separation, while we were trying to work things out, was amazing. Not a chore! If she wants to work on the marriage, misses you, wants you, then messing up her lipstick will be the last thing on her mind.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Sorry - I re-read some comments and realize you are both still married. But it doesn't change my opinion on the "after 18 months" part. Not cool.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, Too Bad, you are missing a few things.

You lack strong morals. You lack healthy boundaries. You lack self esteem and confidence.

I recommend reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I don't think it will take.

So I also suggest that you look into counseling for yourself. A therapist can help you with self esteem and boundaries. Maybe they can point you towards a path that will allow you to develop some morals.

I know- right now you're reading this and saying, "what the heck? I have good morals! I am nice to my wife, and everybody else!"

Your problem is in tolerating immoral behavior at your expense. If you had strong morals, you wouldn't have tolerated an affair. You let it slide because you were nice, which is not the same as being moral. And you didn't punish your wife with any real consequences for her affair because you have no confidence or self esteem.

And despite what you say, you would let it go again, because although your wife treats you horribly, you're still there. 

Its the same with boundaries. If you had healthy ones, "bad sex every 18 months" and "she had an affair" and "why doesn't she ever put any real effort into the relationship" would be deal-killers. 

Until you put some serious effort into changing yourself, you will remain married and confused. That's a terrible state for a man to be in, given your particulars. You should fix that, dude.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She lost attraction for you a long time ago, it will likely never come back.

In a male dominated society "slow" it down is the best she can hope for. Nice huh?


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