# Is there a way to make this easier for my wife?



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's been in denial since I told her I wanted a separation back in December. First it was wait till after Christmas... No problem, wasn't planning on moving out before then. Then it was wait till after my daughter's birthday. Ok, no problem on that too. Then it was wait till my wife had some "minor" surgery. That was last week, and she's pretty recovered from it. 

So this weekend, when I told her I wasn't moving back into the bedroom (I'd moved to the office couch to let her recover better), now it's a big shock to her. 2 and a half months after I told her, in no uncertain terms, that this is where I was going. 6 weeks after I told her that Christmas didn't solve anything, and I was going to find a place. A month after I told her I had a place for February 1. She never wants to talk about it, so I've just been making my own plans and moving forward.

At the same time, I feel really bad about doing this to her and the kids. Any suggestions on how to do help her? To get her to face the oncoming reality? She won't talk to her friends and family about this either... So she doesn't have any support network. It just feels like I might as well have snuck my stuff out during the day when everyone is gone and left a note, for all the good talking has done. 

Obviously, this is not her idea or desire. At the same time, she's not wanting to talk and try to work anything out, perhaps because I don't think there's anything really to work out and she realizes that. The only thing she's done to negotiate is to request that I delay things, which I've agreed to without any debate or counter-offer. Perhaps I should have just given her a date awhile ago, and said "I'm moving out on Feb 19". Little late for that now, though.

As it is, unless something drastic happens, I plan on moving out this weekend. My wife has suggested we talk on Friday evening (I'm assuming to get our talk straightened out), and then talk to the kids on the weekend (long weekend up here). Really not looking forward to the talk with the kids (10 and 12); our (well, my counselor now) suggested telling them a day or two in advance of moving out, and right or wrong, that's what I'm going with. Which, assuming that she's expecting me to move out this weekend, is basically what I was thinking of anyway.

C


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

sounds like you have already done everything you can, short of dragging her to a councilor


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

PBear~

You know what I did? I went back to your very first post: 'Introduction" and looked at what you said way back then. This was in November, before Christmas, and at that time you were clear that you wanted to at minimum move out and separate, and for the most part it sounded like you were about 90% of the way to ending the marriage. 

But what's telling is that throughout the rest of that thread you discuss a few of the "other" issues in your wife's life that have come up and how she dealt with them. She has celiac's and as a result if she avoids gluten she could be pretty health; yet rather than face the fact that she needs to live without gluten, she has chosen to ignore it, avoid it, pretend it's not happening. 

Next, she put on a little weight, like we all do as we age. You didn't mention it was an outrageous amount (like 200+ pounds or something) so my guesstimate is something like 10 pounds every 10 years or so...ish.  She uses this weight gain as a reason for having low self-esteem and body-image, and thus for her excuse why she doesn't have sex...yet she has chosen to ignore it, avoid it, pretend it's not happening. 

Due to some depression about the celiac's and weight gain, she has begun to numb herself by drinking too much. Now it's not like she's a drunk or unable to care for herself or the kids...but as a measure to continue to avoid feeling some of her pain, she drinks, the pain doesn't go away, she drinks more and it's a downward cycle. She has chosen to ignore it, avoid it, pretend it's not happening. 

Due to all this and probably many other reasons you have reached the decision to separate and probably divorce. You indicated this to her in November, and rather than face it and deal with it, she asked you to wait until after Christmas--which in some ways is reasonable due to the children but in no way confronted her part in the issues, not addressed YOUR part either really. In fact, throughout December, January and now half-way through this month she has chosen to ignore it, avoid it, pretend it's not happening. 

Are you seeing a pattern maybe? You can not help her if she is unwilling to help HERSELF. Thus, my advice to you would be to continue to see your counselor on a steady basis, give her the option to see a counselor when/if she decides to do so, and probably make room in your life to care for your children more than 50% of the time. My guess would be that if you do move out, she won't deal with it...she *MAY* continue to take care of the kids but to be honest I've seen plenty of times when a person was in denial and in order to continue that numbing and avoiding of the truth, they pretty much shut down. Thus, if you "move out" and your kids are home, mom may very well drink herself into a stupor every night leaving the kids to try to cook for themselves or do their own homework etc. 

At this moment you seem like the more stable, mentally healthy parent so you may want to consider adjusting so that YOU have the kids during the week and she has them weekends and every other Wednesday (or whatever).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

AC, you flatter me too much, I think, and don't give enough credit to my wife. At least, I hope that's the case... Although I have considered some of the things you mention, with regards to the drinking. I don't know how I'm going to monitor that, besides keeping involved with the kids lives on a regular basis. 

I don't know how I could make things work for me to be the primary care-giver... I guess if things go wrong, I'll have to find that out. But I would think the only way that can work is if I get HER to leave the house, and I don't know how I'd even start doing that... That would just feel so wrong, and it would take away her remaining anchors (home and children).

Right now, I'll go with the thought that the kids are the most important thing to her (and I believe that), and she'll do what's right for them. And I'll just have to keep my eyes and ears open to any issues, without using the kids as spies.

Thanks to both of you for your comments. And AC, for going back through my old posts! 

C


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

PB,
You seem balanced, fair and humble. Nice combo. 

You should "expect" in this final conversation that she will attempt to push all your "rescuer" buttons. I think it is fair to say you will commit to continue to be her co-parent and friend "remotely" and will be glad to support any constructive action SHE takes to improve her quality of life. 

If she plays the "it is impossible" cared vis a vis caring for the kids I think you need to be ready to offer that she could leave and you would take on the primary caregiver role. Just offer it as an option. If she takes it, the kids will likely be better off. The alcohol worries me a bit. 




PBear said:


> AC, you flatter me too much, I think, and don't give enough credit to my wife. At least, I hope that's the case... Although I have considered some of the things you mention, with regards to the drinking. I don't know how I'm going to monitor that, besides keeping involved with the kids lives on a regular basis.
> 
> I don't know how I could make things work for me to be the primary care-giver... I guess if things go wrong, I'll have to find that out. But I would think the only way that can work is if I get HER to leave the house, and I don't know how I'd even start doing that... That would just feel so wrong, and it would take away her remaining anchors (home and children).
> 
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Thanks for the kind words. You guys are making me question the drinking thing more... Not what I needed right now.  I had thought earlier about making her taking some form of counseling for her drinking as a condition for her having the kids...

C


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Sticking around, making things nice for her is just enabling her...I know, I've done been doing that to my wife for years...we've had conversations, I promised to get better, to stop drinking...when I finally stopped, she was to blind to see it...she could have moved out five years ago and saved us a lot of pain, but i convinced her with lies to stay...

after she left, I fell into a tail spin, but I'm doing better now, one day at a time...but you don't want to be an enabler...make a decision now, and stick with it...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DjF, that's kind of what I figured, without the enabling... That she's at least willing to continue with things the way they are; they're better (in her mind) than me leaving, so she will do whatever she can to delay things. 

Two things I think I should have done differently, in case anyone reads this later... When she asked for a delay, worked out a new date. I have no problems staying till after her surgery, but we apparently had differing thoughts on what "after" meant. And second, I should have moved out of our marriage bed earlier, even if the couch wasn't as comfortable. But it has had the effect of making the separation more concrete for both of us.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So tonight's the night to talk to her, and figure out the exit plan. This week has been pretty rough in some ways... I don't know if we've said more than one or two sentences to each other per night. She's also made a point of having supper early 3 of the 4 nights for a variety of reasons, so I've been eating alone. Feels like I might as well have moved out last weekend.

On the other hand, sleeping on the couch hasn't been too bad.  It actually feels less stressful than sleeping in our bed. I've only been into the bedroom to go through to the shower (gonna miss that) and to grab clothes for the next day.

The new place is still in disarray... It's the basement of a friend's condo, so more like a hotel room/large master bedroom suite. I share the main floor with him (kitchen, living room), but have my own bathroom and entertainment area (and private entrance, if I shovel the snow out of the way). Not sure how long it will last, but it's cheap, the landlord is pretty relaxed about when I move in or out, and it's a 10 minute walk to my office, instead of a hour long commute. Right off the city's biggest river valley park and running trails, and I'm a reasonably hard-core runner. So a lot of things to look forward to, once I make this next step.

So far, I've got a futon, a desk, and a home entertainment system (typical guy, right?). Need to get a real bed, bedroom furniture, etc... But without being there to arrange delivery, I haven't bothered. Figured I can live on the futon for a bit, and keep my clothes in boxes or hanging in the closet.

Is it wrong to be looking forward to this next step being completed? The actual "moving out"? I keep reading in here from the other side... From the spouse who didn't want the separation to happen. But how did the leaving spouses feel about this? Are you hit with guilt/remorse/second thoughts as soon as you hit the highway? How did you handle the first days/weeks on your own? 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Had the talk with her last night, and we told the kids this morning. NOT a good morning. And even more ironic is this is the "Family Day" long weekend. Yay families! 

But moving day is Sunday evening, after the kids are in bed. 

C


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

pbear, 

My wife just moved back recently from a 2 month separation and things have been going really well.

I was devastated the entire time.

From what she said, it was mostly ok for her. She had the time and space she needed to figure everything out. Moving and living in a new place was pretty inconvenient for her, but not being stressed all the time was good for her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First night in my new place... Aside from the guilt of leaving everyone behind, so far, so good. The kids seemed ok last night when saying goodnight/goodbye, but I'm still concerned about my daughter. She still not saying much, and when I try to talk to her, she just puts on her "it's ok" smile. But she took over my old spot in bed. Not sure if that was her idea or my wife's...

C


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Any more updates on this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Updates... Well, it's now Wednesday, so 3 days post-moveout... I'm feeling less stressed and more positive than I have for a long time. Might even get rid of some work-based stress this week too, and be able to cut my hours back to normal for the first time in 3 months.

My daughter's been having some trouble sleeping the last few days, part of it due to pre-teen friend issues, and I'm guessing part of it due to my moving out.  But we've been talking every night, and she's initiated a couple of FB chat sessions with me, so maybe she's coming around. My son doesn't seem to be as affected by this. My wife... Don't know yet how she's doing, but I've heard through the grapevine that she's talked to her sisters and at least one of our close friends. I'm glad to hear that. It would be an awful thing to try to hold in.

Slowly getting my new place set up... Still waiting for a mattress on my bed.  Should be here later this week. Managed to get things set up enough to work from there yesterday, which was nice. Will probably do that tomorrow. Still need to do up menu plans and grocery lists though... Eating out all the time isn't good.  And I need to get back to my running again... I am NOT gaining all my weight back again! 

C


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