# Spouse is very confused



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

As outlined in another post,my spouse had an EA (says absolutely wasn't PA) back in October. She indicated she had come to realization that after 19 years, she and I weren't going to make it. Admittedly rocky road over this time. After EA, we sought (and are still in) MC. Through the holidays she has reiterated over and over how much she loves me. Has indicated multiple times she wants to be with me in our house. However, along the way she says she is still very troubled by feelings of being unsettled with she and I, which she says are leading to feelings that she wants space. I think there is a real battle going on inside her. One part wants to have our family and live happily. Its almost like she knows that is the "right" thing for her to do. Then the other side of her is telling her that the new closeness we are having can't be real, and therefore she doesn't trust it or me. The unsettled feeling led to her EA according to her. Anyone have any comments or advice? We see marriage counselor tomorrow. I am trying to be supportive to her, but on the other hand I feel like she is "playing" me- am I supposed to just wait around until her feelings of "unsettlement and space" dissolve. What if they don't go away- then where are we? Comments welcome!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like there's still fog at play.

Maybe you should ask the MC for a one on one with you.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

1/2 on the fence, 1/2 off doesn't make for a strong relationship.....good luck my friend. What does her actions show? Does she have missing time? Is she doing all she can to help u?
Mouse


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Smackdown said:


> 1/2 on the fence, 1/2 off doesn't make for a strong relationship.....good luck my friend. What does her actions show? Does she have missing time? Is she doing all she can to help u?
> Mouse


Mouse; her actions are that she is texting me everyday from work with things like "I love you so much" etc. Her EA was with a co worker, so who knows how much contact- She insists she is not communicating at all with him as they work on different floors of the building- but truthfully if she wants to see him she can. Please save me the different job thing- if she wants to see someone- anyone and have EA she can - I can't monitor that and it isn't healthy for me to even try. She is going to MC willingly, we are talking a lot, she says she is troubled by her feelings of being unsettled, and she says she feels that her life is a complete wreck right now. She said she keeps thinking that I am going to come home one day after thinking about what she did and tell her to get the hell out of the house. So she is fearful of that although I've told her that is very unlikely even if we do split. So her actions are good EXCEPT for she continues to maintain EA was just a friendship. Comments welcome


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She needs to go completely NO CONTACT. I understand that there may be a need for work related communication, but that is all. 

I don't see any way to make an EA into a friendship only. But that's just me.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Most WS will use marriage counseling to fool you into believing that they have ended their A. Unless you insist on and use complete transparency there is no way for you to know she has broken off contact.

If she had/is having an A with a coworker and you do not insist she leave the job then you are already in a one sided open relationship.

Sorry you are here and dealing with this but unless you are willing to enforce your boundaries and rights as her husband you will not regain the trust she has broken.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm not condoning your wifes actions!!

But you also need to take responsibility for your part in the marriage problems, and the same way she is required to, show through actions that you can and will change your ways. You also need to make sure you are giving her what SHE wants and make darn sure you are giving unconditionally, with no strings attached.

That will get rid of her uneasiness.

That does not deal with her EA, which is an entirely different topic and requires an entirely different healing process.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

even though ou have not insisted she change jobs, you should be doing everything possible to verify no contact. Monitoring her communications, verifying whereabouts, etc. Are you doing this?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It is difficult to get god advice when you start different threads. All your ideas can best be aired in one continuous thread.

Unless I'm mistaken the only verification you have gotten is from questioning your wife. In other words you have no idea what really is /was going on.

If you are not willing to do the leg work and investigate, how can you possiblymake good decisions? 

My apologies if I am missing something but a lot is at stake here. After all, you have already learned from being here that cheaters lie until proof is staring them in the face.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I don't see any way to make an EA into a friendship only. But that's just me.


Nope. Once a relationship has crossed that line it can't ever go back. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

*Question for Board- is it worth it*

Update on my situation: my SO (not legal wife) that had EA last fall quit her job in February which co worker worked. She still INSISTS not an affair!! Says friends only. We're doing pretty good overall despite 3 or 4 huge fights. At one point in January I screamed at her "did you s**k his d**k"!! And on another occasion I challenged her to " go see OM- maybe he can give you some advice"(March) Since then we have spent lots of time together and MC. Anyway, oddly enough our communication is improving. She isn't getting mad when I ask questions, and I'm finding that as she gets less upset I don't have that many questions anymore. However I am stuck right now because even though its been 7 1/2 months that all hell broke loose, I still feel she feels "justified" to a small extent on doing what she did. I want to let this go because her actions don't necessarily reflect this. I feel like I am waiting for this huge "after the dust has settled" apology from her. She has apologized in the past, but not so much now because how many times can you do so? She wants it to be a thing of our past. Anyway, to my title question- for those of you that have reconciled- IS ALL OF THIS WORTH IT??


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

D can be just as hard as R...

So the big thing you need to look at is the huge step in leaving her job, and i think you are seeing some of the benifits.

Its been 2yrs for me and Mrs. the_guy and its tough but and MC keeps us grounded. It is a tough balance between rug sweeping and not rug sweeping...trust me, some times we can be are own worst enemy, but the main thing here is communication.

I also think that until she owns this EA and then I think the both of you can move on. I'm curious, do you have any proof of the EA that you can *show* her that it went past the "friendship level".

Have you checked out the book "Not Just Friends"? My concern is she really needs to be shown that it was an EA and why it validated your pain.

Some how if MC and you and even her family/friends can show her what she is continueing to deny, and she owns it, it will help you heal even more.

Have you talked to her about taking a polygraph test?


Until she faces her sh!t, I see you to continue to struggle. You understand this I think so get the resource I mentioned above and aggresivly work on get your fWW to heal this marriage by admitting her EA.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you haven't read NoMore Mister Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life, you need to read them now. Everyone who reads them swera by it. You need to know how you got where ypu are before you can move forward.

BTW, MMSL is not a sex manual, it explains relationships between husband and wife and how you should be relating to your wife in order to keep her interested in you.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Most WS will use marriage counseling to fool you into believing that they have ended their A. Unless you insist on and use complete transparency there is no way for you to know she has broken off contact.
> 
> If she had/is having an A with a coworker and you do not insist she leave the job then you are already in a one sided open relationship.
> 
> Sorry you are here and dealing with this but unless you are willing to enforce your boundaries and rights as her husband you will not regain the trust she has broken.


Still learning myself... thank you Beowulf, the guy, Chapparal, Staggy, big Liam, and countless others. Transparency is a must.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

chapparal said:


> If you haven't read NoMore Mister Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life, you need to read them now. Everyone who reads them swera by it. You need to know how you got where ypu are before you can move forward.
> 
> BTW, MMSL is not a sex manual, it explains relationships between husband and wife and how you should be relating to your wife in order to keep her interested in you.


I've read both, and while I agree that they offer some decent advice and some meaningful insight, I would certainly stay away from categorizing them as the "end all be all" of relationship wisdom. 

If either of those books were as amazing as some members of this community claim, they would be on the best seller lists of major reviewers, and the world would have far fewer failed relationships. 

For instance, in NMMNG, the concept of external validation is demonized, when in reality, external validation is a normal driving force of every day life. Humans compare and contrast constantly, we require metrics, and some of those metrics include how well we think we are meeting the needs of those we deem important. The problem occurs when external validation becomes the ONLY source of validation that a person seeks to have.

As far as the MMSL goes, Alpha good, Beta bad, only gets you so far. I sometimes wish life was really that black and white, but it is not. In fact, the majority of life seems to fall somewhere in the middle.

Both are still worth a read, as they do contain some useful advice here and there.

back on topic: You got some good advice in this thread. Boundaries, transparency, communication and active relationship building are all necessary steps to move forward. 

As far as the question "is it all worth it?"

No simple answer there. You will both get out of it (the relationship) what you put in. The amount of work you are both willing to do will dictate to a great extent what the outcome will be. Most people on this forum who achieved R are happy with the results, and have stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Individual Counseling and Couples Counseling is a _*must*_, and the perfect place to address the issues of perception. You say "i think she still feels justified," while she may see things completely differently. 

Thanks for the update, best of luck to you, keep us posted.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

@ Paladin

"As far as the MMSL goes, Alpha good, Beta bad, only gets you so far."

You did not get this out of MMSL


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Okay need help again- you can see the history- I kept getting slammed for starting new thread. I continue to obsess about "what really happened" last fall with SO and OM. The hurt I feel is sometimes at fever pitch. She is doing an awful lot to pursue relationship with me- she used to get angry with me about almost everything. She has now become more approachable, and in the past two weeks two times she has said "I'm sorry" to me when we were at the beginning of an argument. In the past she would have gotten angry and it likely would have led to huge blow up. She consistently tells me she loves me as well.  So here is my dilemma: I still feel like I've contributed a lot more to the reconciliation -admitting I could have been more intimate, more attentive, less judgmental, investigating my insecurity issues and mother issues in counseling. I'm also frustrated with counseling- it seems to be helping but when I have brought up her lying the counselor just looks at me. I think he is trying to take approach of "staying in the present" and not dwelling on the past. He appears to think we are very compatible and love each other so wants to move us forward so to speak. Also, since we are not legally married, and finances were one of her issues that she felt I kept control (we never combined money and she always felt she had less than) we opened a joint account and I have helped set up where she can get a lower interest rate on her credit cards (I am ultimately responsible if we separate). So I feel I have put myself on the line. To an extent as described above , so has she. New job etc. And here is the shocker (sarcastic)- she seems to have lost interest in sex and sleeps out on the couch most of the time. In my mind after she said attention was a big reason for her EA, this is hypocritical. She says it is because of her PMS and period and she is uncomfortable a lot of the time and can't sleep, is restless etc. The sex part the fact is that ever since the affair she has not been that "in" to me. No "fun" things like it used to be. She sort of laughs when I ask her if she is attracted to me, as if to say, yeah right is that a joke- of course I'm attracted to you. Just doesn't want sex very much like before affair. In my mind I'm saying it's because she never told me what really happened with OM i.e. sex and that somehow she is using that against me mentally. Anyway thoughts welcome- I am one of those people known to create stories about others motives etc. , but on the other hand is there anything to my thought process? I play the whole affair thing in my head at least a couple of times a week because I still can't believe she did it and that leads to me not believing that there was no PA. But she insists not. I'm driving myself crazy. Counselor says I "find" things to keep myself distant from intimate relationships and don't trust. I say no **** when someone lies to you like she has why should I trust that she loves me. Comments welcome.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

guilt maybe?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> guilt maybe?


New Marriage Counselor maybe?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Has there been any sex at all since the affair?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> Okay need help again- you can see the history- I kept getting slammed for starting new thread. I continue to obsess about "what really happened" last fall with SO and OM. The hurt I feel is sometimes at fever pitch. She is doing an awful lot to pursue relationship with me- she used to get angry with me about almost everything. She has now become more approachable, and in the past two weeks two times she has said "I'm sorry" to me when we were at the beginning of an argument. In the past she would have gotten angry and it likely would have led to huge blow up. She consistently tells me she loves me as well. So here is my dilemma: I still feel like I've contributed a lot more to the reconciliation -admitting I could have been more intimate, more attentive, less judgmental, investigating my insecurity issues and mother issues in counseling. I'm also frustrated with counseling- it seems to be helping but when I have brought up her lying the counselor just looks at me. I think he is trying to take approach of "staying in the present" and not dwelling on the past. He appears to think we are very compatible and love each other so wants to move us forward so to speak. Also, since we are not legally married, and finances were one of her issues that she felt I kept control (we never combined money and she always felt she had less than) we opened a joint account and I have helped set up where she can get a lower interest rate on her credit cards (I am ultimately responsible if we separate). So I feel I have put myself on the line. To an extent as described above , so has she. New job etc. And here is the shocker (sarcastic)- she seems to have lost interest in sex and sleeps out on the couch most of the time. In my mind after she said attention was a big reason for her EA, this is hypocritical. She says it is because of her PMS and period and she is uncomfortable a lot of the time and can't sleep, is restless etc. The sex part the fact is that ever since the affair she has not been that "in" to me. No "fun" things like it used to be. She sort of laughs when I ask her if she is attracted to me, as if to say, yeah right is that a joke- of course I'm attracted to you. Just doesn't want sex very much like before affair. In my mind I'm saying it's because she never told me what really happened with OM i.e. sex and that somehow she is using that against me mentally. Anyway thoughts welcome- I am one of those people known to create stories about others motives etc. , but on the other hand is there anything to my thought process? I play the whole affair thing in my head at least a couple of times a week because I still can't believe she did it and that leads to me not believing that there was no PA. But she insists not. I'm driving myself crazy. Counselor says I "find" things to keep myself distant from intimate relationships and don't trust. I say no **** when someone lies to you like she has why should I trust that she loves me. Comments welcome.


I think you need a new counselor, one who focuses on the affair rather than childhood issues and such. 

The affair is the reason you are in MC. 

I think all your feelings are normal, all your distrust, fear, paranoia, etc. and your MC should understand that. If not, the MC is not experienced with infidelity.

Has the MC focused on her lack of wanting sex?

That sounds odd to me, particularly if she was interested prior to the affair. 

It could be she is still in the EA and it has gone PA or it could mean she is trying to passive aggressively punish you for taking away her candy


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