# Male - Female Co-worker boundaries



## vabeachwife (Jan 16, 2013)

Ok so a little background I have been with my husband for 10 years and he is the love of my life. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever met! A little over a year ago we almost separated when I found out he was lying about talking to a female "friend". We went to therapy and he really did understand all of the hurt and pain he caused me with the emotional affair and the lies. It can be a hard road trying to rebuild trust but I have really felt like we came so far! Just the other day we had been having a small argument about not going out and doing much as a couple much these days with our busy schedules. Then I noticed when I looked at his cellphone that he had called a girl he works with that is much younger when he was on his way home... I happened to try calling and he ignored my call. Then I found out the following day he was texting with her but deleted the messages which was a huge huge huge red flag! I confronted him and he was so apologetic and really understood how it looked but he swears that he had just needed to vent and that the girl he works with was going thru relationship issues herself. I explained how boundaries are crossed and that he has the potential to be misleading her without even knowing it (especially if she is not in a good relationship) I asked details of what was said and he explained venting about me and a few of his frustrations but he said he really didnt bad mouth me and then I asked what her advice was... he said she told him he should leave me and that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants (again she is young with no children) I was boiling!!!!!!! I explained that if you surround yourself with people who are trying to destroy us there is no reason to try... he really understood what I meant and was very sincere. 
My question is OBVIOUSLY boundaries need to be explained to this girl but how would you suggest doing this? He needs to do it asap because I cant have another day of him at work and my mind going crazy! Please help


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Get her number from your husband and give her a call. Tell her your husband is incapable of maintaining proper marital boundaries, so it's up to her. Let her know that you don't want him talking to her about your marital problems, so if he starts, she should just change the subject or excuse herself. Tell her you tried to get your husband to stop having inappropriate conversations with younger women, but he just won't listen to you. Ask her if she can talk some sense into him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> Ok so a little background I have been with my husband for 10 years and he is the love of my life. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever met! A little over a year ago we almost separated when I found out he was lying about talking to a female "friend". We went to therapy and he really did understand all of the hurt and pain he caused me with the emotional affair and the lies. It can be a hard road trying to rebuild trust but I have really felt like we came so far! Just the other day we had been having a small argument about not going out and doing much as a couple much these days with our busy schedules. Then I noticed when I looked at his cellphone that he had called a girl he works with that is much younger when he was on his way home... I happened to try calling and he ignored my call. Then I found out the following day he was texting with her but deleted the messages which was a huge huge huge red flag! I confronted him and he was so apologetic and really understood how it looked but he swears that he had just needed to vent and that the girl he works with was going thru relationship issues herself. I explained how boundaries are crossed and that he has the potential to be misleading her without even knowing it (especially if she is not in a good relationship) I asked details of what was said and he explained venting about me and a few of his frustrations but he said he really didnt bad mouth me and then I asked what her advice was... he said she told him he should leave me and that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants (again she is young with no children) I was boiling!!!!!!! I explained that if you surround yourself with people who are trying to destroy us there is no reason to try... he really understood what I meant and was very sincere.
> My question is OBVIOUSLY boundaries need to be explained to this girl but how would you suggest doing this? He needs to do it asap because I cant have another day of him at work and my mind going crazy! Please help


If it's a co-worker he probably needs to find a new situation as far as employment goes. She works with him, appears to want him and, if he's resisted so far, she might be making it a point of personal pride to get him now. Not that she'd keep in the long, or probably even immediate, term. And while that's happening he needs to totally eschew any contact. If they're not in the same building or office, and she isn't directly involved in any of his work, he has to avoid her like the plague.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How will contacting the OW stop her husband from crossing boundaries? 

OP - Obviously he doesn't understand the hurt and pain he caused when only a year later, he is back at crossing the inappropriate line with opposite sex co workers again!

Can you get him to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The boundary problem is with your husband. HE needs to keep up HIS boundaries. His colleague isn't responsible for maintaining your husband's boundaries for him. He needs to be a big boy and do that himself. Should she have said what she said? No. But telling this woman off and giving her a piece of your mind is not going to fix the real problem which is that your husband shouldn't be asking female friends and female colleagues for marital advice. He shouldn't be
venting to them about you. If he had that boundary, this woman wouldn't even have known anything about your marital problems. Start improving your husband's personal boundaries by having him read the book the previous poster mentioned- Not Just Friends written by Dr. Shirley Glass. He needs to never talk about his issues with you with another woman. Doing that opens up the door for all kinds of bad things to happen. Don't give some opposite sex colleague a window into the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband needs to either stop what he is doing or get a new job. This is HIS issue - talking to the OW won't do anything!!

Get the book

Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends"


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh the book "Not Just Friends" is also available as a Kindle edition so can be purchased and downloaded right away to start reading


----------



## vabeachwife (Jan 16, 2013)

I agree that he needs to be the one to handle things with his coworker... Unfortunately he can't just quit his job because of financial responsibilities but he has already said he will start looking.... I just do not want issues while he is still working there and seeking other employment. I don't feel like me talking to her would do any good at all... She obviously doesn't respect our relationship or she would not have said the things she did. All it will do is fuel her fire and he would probably hear how controlling and jealous his wife is and how he has even more reason to leave. So definitely don't wanna go down that road! How do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Get her number from your husband and give her a call. Tell her your husband is incapable of maintaining proper marital boundaries, so it's up to her. Let her know that you don't want him talking to her about your marital problems, so if he starts, she should just change the subject or excuse herself. Tell her you tried to get your husband to stop having inappropriate conversations with younger women, but he just won't listen to you. Ask her if she can talk some sense into him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask her to talk to him..I don't think so...she will probably just laugh when she hangs up..as well you do not know what ulterior motives that she has toward her H.

No, the issue is between the OP and her H.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

This smells like TT. If you can you should install spyware on his phone. Admitting to venting about you makes me wonder what he's not admitting.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

vabeachwife said:


> I agree that he needs to be the one to handle things with his coworker... Unfortunately he can't just quit his job because of financial responsibilities but he has already said he will start looking.... I just do not want issues while he is still working there and seeking other employment. I don't feel like me talking to her would do any good at all... She obviously doesn't respect our relationship or she would not have said the things she did. All it will do is fuel her fire and he would probably hear how controlling and jealous his wife is and how he has even more reason to leave. So definitely don't wanna go down that road! How do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He should talk to her ONLY about work matters. If she brings up his personal life or asks questions about how things are at home with the marriage because she hasn't heard him talking about those things in a while, HE needs to shut her down politely. "That's my personal business and I'm not going to talk about those things at work anymore. I shouldn't have vented to you before..Now if you'll excuse me..I have to (insert some excuse to get away from the conversation)." He needs to be a broken record and repeat that until she gets it. He should be polite, professional and do his job because jeopardizing his own job in this economy isn't smart, but otherwise he should avoid all personal communication (jokes, banter, nonwork related texts and emails) with her. She'll get the message soon enough IF HE is consistent every time it happens.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Another thing I don't like is why is this idiot of a woman telling her husband to leave her....that would raise huge red flags with me.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

vabeachwife said:


> how do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
> _posted via mobile device_


get the book.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> I agree that he needs to be the one to handle things with his coworker... Unfortunately he can't just quit his job because of financial responsibilities but he has already said he will start looking.... I just do not want issues while he is still working there and seeking other employment. *I don't feel like me talking to her would do any good at all... She obviously doesn't respect our relationship or she would not have said the things she did. All it will do is fuel her fire and he would probably hear how controlling and jealous his wife is and how he has even more reason to leave. * So definitely don't wanna go down that road! How do you suggest he explains things to her in a professional but clear manner so that it doesn't blow up and the time he is still at work is miserable? I honestly fear her not being mature enough to respect his wishes and just be vindictive towards him at the job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You hit that one right on the head. And don't worry, you don't even have to talk to her for her to think you are a jealous, overprotective, over reactive wife.

My ex told the OW he was starting an EA with I was being crazy and jealous and "had my eye on her" the day after I calmly talked to him about how I felt their relationship was inappropriate. Instead of ending things with her, he went to her and 'warned' about me!!!

This occurred 5 years after initial infidelity with a completely different co worker. 

So like I say, he has done it once and now not even a year later is doing it again? Are you sure it even stopped a year ago? He could have just taken it more underground.

I agree with Ovid - get some spyare on his phone/computer and a VAR in his car. You have no idea if he is telling the truth or not to you since he is already a liar and works with her.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry, sounds serial. Tell him to get sex addiction counseling or get out! Then start the 180. He knows what he did the last time how much he hurt you and got counseling with you...Sounds like a charade. He goes and does the same thing again. What has he shown? The workplace is his pick-up joint, he's seeking advice about you from young, easy ding-bats to gain their sympathy for them to tell him what he wants to hear and be open to providing him with sexual healing. He has zero respect for you and he won't until you make him. Download divorce papers, put his name in the petitioner line and mark 'x's where his signature should go. I would go to the workplace soon and unexpectedly and directly confront her infront of all so she doesn't make a scene but do not whisper either, and in a composed manner say: "I understand you are inappropriately involved in my marriage. Ask: #1. Did you tell my husband to leave me and do what he wants when he wants? 2. Does doing what he wants when he wants include you?" After she answers walk over to him, drop the divorce papers on his desk and tell him that since he needs to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it rather than honor his marriage vows, you highly recommend that he signs on the dotted lines and btw, you want back every dime spent on counseling, you need new Gucci shades. Then leave there and continue the 180. I wouldn't say a darn thing more to him. All was said already in the last therapy session.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> Ok so a little background I have been with my husband for 10 years and he is the love of my life. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever met! A little over a year ago we almost separated when I found out he was lying about talking to a female "friend". We went to therapy and he really did understand all of the hurt and pain he caused me with the emotional affair and the lies. It can be a hard road trying to rebuild trust but I have really felt like we came so far! Just the other day we had been having a small argument about not going out and doing much as a couple much these days with our busy schedules. Then I noticed when I looked at his cellphone that he had called a girl he works with that is much younger when he was on his way home... I happened to try calling and he ignored my call. Then I found out the following day he was texting with her but deleted the messages which was a huge huge huge red flag! I confronted him and he was so apologetic and really understood how it looked but he swears that he had just needed to vent and that the girl he works with was going thru relationship issues herself. I explained how boundaries are crossed and that he has the potential to be misleading her without even knowing it (especially if she is not in a good relationship) I asked details of what was said and he explained venting about me and a few of his frustrations but he said he really didnt bad mouth me and then I asked what her advice was... he said she told him he should leave me and that he should be able to do what he wants when he wants (again she is young with no children) I was boiling!!!!!!! I explained that if you surround yourself with people who are trying to destroy us there is no reason to try... he really understood what I meant and was very sincere.
> My question is OBVIOUSLY boundaries need to be explained to this girl but how would you suggest doing this? He needs to do it asap because I cant have another day of him at work and my mind going crazy! Please help


You know, any one of us can come up with a list, that, if relayed to a third person right, will get us the advice "leave her/him"

Remember it's what he said that made her tell him to leave. It's also how he said it.

You both need to go to MC but mostly for him and this passive aggressive acting out he's doing. Tell him he's whining and b!tching like a little woman to his coworker who's younger and can't possibly have valid advice. An older woman who's been through some life ..maybe but this woman...not.


----------



## harsosuao (Jan 17, 2013)

he is back at crossing the inappropriate line with opposite sex co workers again!


----------



## vabeachwife (Jan 16, 2013)

I got the book on my nook yesterday and OMG I couldn't put it down! Thank you for telling me about it! 
So here is my update from last night... He came home from work and without me asking a thing he said:
She asked how my night was and I took that as my oppurtunity to set boundaries. He said work is work and home is home so I really dont want to discuss my home life. When you vented about a guy in your life I slipped and vented about a frustration I had with my wife. I failed to tell you all of the amazing things about her and that she has done - and how amazing my children and family time is. She gave him the what the heck look and he said i am sure once you are married and have a little more life experience you will understand. Then she said so basically your wife is pissed and telling you who you can be friends with? He said no I am the one saying this and putting my wife and family first - Plus friends I confide in are friends that help my marriage not encourage throwing it away without even knowing my wife. 
I think he made a step in the right direction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is a step in the right direction..however do not let your guard down. I would still watch/monitor, etc. I remember after DD#1 H told me that his OW when she found out that he was not separated but still married that that she sent him some nasty email telling him basically to **** off.....I believed it only to discover 6 months later that they had kept contact the whole time.

This chick sounds like a fricken idiot to begin with..someone that has no respect for boundaries....just like my H's OW.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Yes- keeep your eyes open. I'd still put that VAR in his car and keep checking his phone bill. No way she said "leave her" the first time they spoke! No way. Also, be careful he's not just gaslighting you to throw you off. My H did that....said what I wanted to hear but did what he wanted. If he's knee deep in an A- HE WILL LIE!


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Yes- keeep your eyes open. I'd still put that VAR in his car and keep checking his phone bill. No way she said "leave her" the first time they spoke! No way. Also, be careful he's not just gaslighting you to throw you off. My H did that....said what I wanted to hear but did what he wanted. If he's knee deep in an A- HE WILL LIE!


...and not saying that he is doing something..maybe everything is on the up and up just saying that for alot of us here we heard some convincing/reassuring things..only to have a DD#2 down the road.

About two months after DD#1, I am embarrassed to admit this but I sent an email to H's OW asking her to send me what she sent him basically telling him where to go because I wanted to see it myself. I look back and think I can imagine their conversation her telling him..just to let you know your wife asked for that email I "supposedly" sent you...I think to myself now, did they have a good laugh because no email like that probably did not exist.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

The bigger point is that he has already strayed and therefore he should be held to a higher standard. His rope shorter. Its only been a freakin year! You still havent fully recovered from that and this isnt a good way to help rebuild your trust AT ALL. Its like he hasnt learned a damned thing!


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Just keep your eyes open and watch him. 

He has already been down this road before. He should have had the boundaries in place before you saying anything. He could just be telling you what you want to hear.

Be cautious. Watch his actions don't listen to his words.


----------



## vabeachwife (Jan 16, 2013)

Oh believe me I should have been a private investigator lol... I have the software to see any and all texts from his phone regardless if he deletes them. I have all passwords to credit card accounts / bank / cellphone... A keystroke program on the computer... I even have her fb and twitter bookmarked because being she is young she posts minute to minute updates. I won't be played for a fool again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> Oh believe me I should have been a private investigator lol... I have the software to see any and all texts from his phone regardless if he deletes them. I have all passwords to credit card accounts / bank / cellphone... A keystroke program on the computer... I even have her fb and twitter bookmarked because being she is young she posts minute to minute updates. I won't be played for a fool again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh you dont have to be young to post minute by minute just a self important b*tch. H's AP ws 35, she didnt got to the bathroom without posting it. Has a pintrest acct, twitter, fb and LinkedIn and my favorite blogs on a "good moms" website.....:rofl:


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> Oh believe me I should have been a private investigator lol... I have the software to see any and all texts from his phone regardless if he deletes them. I have all passwords to credit card accounts / bank / cellphone... A keystroke program on the computer... I even have her fb and twitter bookmarked because being she is young she posts minute to minute updates. I won't be played for a fool again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:

You got this covered! 

Still sucks thinking you might be going down the same road again, doesn't it? 

I just can't believe its happening again after 1 year. My ex didn't relapse until about 5yrs after. If he had done it at 1 year I would have been out the door so fast just b/c R was so fragile at that time. 

Good luck, girl. Hope he truly meant what he said to her and learned his lessons the first time around.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> I got the book on my nook yesterday and OMG I couldn't put it down! Thank you for telling me about it!
> So here is my update from last night... He came home from work and without me asking a thing he said:
> She asked how my night was and I took that as my oppurtunity to set boundaries. He said work is work and home is home so I really dont want to discuss my home life. When you vented about a guy in your life I slipped and vented about a frustration I had with my wife. I failed to tell you all of the amazing things about her and that she has done - and how amazing my children and family time is. She gave him the what the heck look and he said i am sure once you are married and have a little more life experience you will understand. Then she said so basically your wife is pissed and telling you who you can be friends with? He said no I am the one saying this and putting my wife and family first - Plus friends I confide in are friends that help my marriage not encourage throwing it away without even knowing my wife.
> I think he made a step in the right direction
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sorry but it sounds to perfect. I hope that is what he said. It just sounds very confrontational. 
Keep checking on him because I question whether this is actually how the conversation went.


----------



## vabeachwife (Jan 16, 2013)

I had told him the night before he had to make is 100 % clear or I was gonna end up so mad that I snap
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

vabeachwife said:


> I had told him the night before he had to make is 100 % clear or I was gonna end up so mad that I snap
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get that. And like we've said we hope he is telling the truth. But the simple fact is that IF he is having an EA- HE WILL lie straight to your face. What you say or threaten is nothing compared to his drive to get that next "hit". Thats what we're saying. Eyes and ears open and perhaps mouth closed just for now.


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Keep your eyes open and follow what CTU says, this is not the first time he does this so he should know better.

I need a lesson on devices for Iphones to track text messages!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> Keep your eyes open and follow what CTU says, this is not the first time he does this so he should know better.
> 
> I need a lesson on devices for Iphones to track text messages!


You need a lesson GG?


----------



## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I do, remember I kicked him out so I have access to his Iphone now (he wasn't here before) and just being able to read them does not give me peace of mind. I always think he can erase them! jijji

I found out about his EA/PA through his phone only cause he left an old one behind!


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I do, remember I kicked him out so I have access to his Iphone now (he wasn't here before) and just being able to read them does not give me peace of mind. I always think he can erase them! jijji
> 
> I found out about his EA/PA through his phone only cause he left an old one behind!


There ar threads about this or you can make one and ask. My H had a blackberry so I cant help with the iphone thingy. Google it?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Not to Tj- but tell me how its going since he's back- use my thread if you wish.


----------



## vabeachwife (Jan 16, 2013)

Oh I totally understand and know exactly what you mean.... When we went thru this in the past he was very vague and the story constantly changed... So I am just paying attention to every detail and taking my mental notes. If he ends up bs'ing me then I know I put the best effort and will be ok with walking away. Thank you all for the great advice and support!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

