# FB



## Moe1234 (Aug 31, 2011)

hello all, 1st post,
(sorry if this is a bit long)
well, just a few hours ago I found a thread on facebk which my wife of almost 3 yrs (no kids) has been having a pretty long sexual conversation with some miscellaneous guy that she plays one of those fb games with (mafia wars, etc etc)

She had just gone to bed but left the computer on, and didn't log out of her fb. I just refreshed the computer, and the thread just popped up, so I wasn't snooping or sneaking into her acct to catch anything.....

So I got the gist of the conversation, and immediately went to the bdrm & confronted her about it. she said he was a stalker & she de-friended him. Wait, but she just talked with him appx 45 mins prior. So she gets mad takes the pillow & goes downstairs & onto the porch and acts like she's going to sleep out there. So eventually I go outside and say come in I wanna talk about it..........
She says she was just playing around or having fun, it wasn't serious etc etc...she "was going to" de-friend him.

To my knowledge this is the first (and only) time that she's done anything like this. We're both in our mid-30's and neither one of us has been in a serious relationship before our marriage. We've known each other for appx 9 years, started going out a few months after we met, and been married since '08.

?Is this a big deal? Should I make a big deal out of it? I'm really confused right now as she's been really wanting to have kids lately and been seeing doctors for it. Myself, I've been having medical issues lately, and had surgery just last week and not working for the time being (cause of the medical issues) and am just a bit confused & don't want to make out of it....

Thanks for any replies,
"Moe"


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## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

Moe1234 said:


> To my knowledge this is the first (and only) time that she's done anything like this. We're both in our mid-30's and neither one of us has been in a serious relationship before our marriage.


It's the only time you've caught her, but she's done this before, probably a lot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is this a big deal? Yes...its a big deal. Your wife cheated on you. You need to set some consequences. 45 minutes says the guy isn't a stalker like she says. You should've printed the conversations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start monitoring her activities online, get a keylogger on her computer, would also be good to look at cell phone records as they may have been chatting or texting as well


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

There's no such thing as "harmless flirting." In Dr. John Gottman's research, 8 out of 10 married partners report sexual infidelity. 

Flirting can lead quickly lead to emotional affairs which can explode into full blown cheating.

Not enough married couples realize that flirting simply can't be a part of a healthy long term relationship, let alone the danger of online interaction with the opposite sex. 

Don't do, say or type anything that you wouldn't say do or type, in front of your spouse. 

In stead of seeing online flirting (let alone at work or in real life anywhere) as harmless, start to see it as a high-risk situation that can harm your marriage. It's all about setting up those protective-boundaries.

An earlier poster in a similar thread argued it wasn't about technology, but people and their choices. I agree. But people need the right information to make the right choices. 

This can actually be a great opportunity for you guys to learn from this error as a way of really strengthening your marriage, your emotional connection and, as a result, your effectiveness as future parents.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes huge deal. Just read about the men here who are getting divorced because their wives met some guy on games on the Internet and started testing them, and then left them for the guy. 

The fact that she participated like she did shows they have been at this for awhile. If the OM started right off sexting her she would have cut him off right away. Instead it's obvious she has been chatting long enough to firm a relationship with him and to allow him to engage her sexually.

Do not believe her if/when she tells you that she will unfriendly him and have no more contact. More likely they will try to continue but hide it from you. She already has lied even when you confronted her.

Get a key logger onto the computer now but don't tell her about it.

Have her unfriendl him in front of you, and go back yourself and check it jteo days and a week later

Watch her phone, and if she has a password on it, demand to have it.

Do not accept her minimizing this or sweeping under the carpet. If she uses phrases like "you are bring controlling" or " she needs her space/privacy" explain that she has essentially cheated and you are not going to negotiate or accept her attempts to hide stuff from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and just FYI: "Stalker dude" didn't just materialize out of thin air. So she had met him before. It's highly doubtful she just randomly start sex chatting with a stranger she just "friended" on FB for 45 minutes. There was prob a history there between the two. The nature of the history is anyone's guess, but she prob knew him or had chatted w/ him enough to feel comfy to be vulnerable enough to sex chat with him for nearly an hour.

And I will repeat the others' sentiments--this is prob only the tip of the iceberg. There is prob much more you don't know about. 

How you handle this will determine the rest of your relationship. If you roll over, you become a doormat, her fallback guy, the guy she can do/say anything to who will take it lying down w/ zero consequences for her actions.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh and just FYI: "Stalker dude" didn't just materialize out of thin air. So she had met him before. It's highly doubtful she just randomly start sex chatting with a stranger she just "friended" on FB for 45 minutes. There was prob a history there between the two. The nature of the history is anyone's guess, but she prob knew him or had chatted w/ him enough to feel comfy to be vulnerable enough to sex chat with him for nearly an hour.
> 
> And I will repeat the others' sentiments--this is prob only the tip of the iceberg. There is prob much more you don't know about.
> 
> How you handle this will determine the rest of your relationship. If you roll over, you become a doormat, her fallback guy, the guy she can do/say anything to who will take it lying down w/ zero consequences for her actions.


^ this :iagree: ^


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

You busted her... she deflected.

Now its up to her to prove her innocense by turning over all log ins and passwords to you without hesitation. If she fights you on this, then you have your answer on how deep it goes. She crossed a boundary in regards to marriage etiquete. Don't let her off easy, keep her on the ropes...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> You busted her... she deflected.
> 
> Now its up to her to prove her innocense by turning over all log ins and passwords to you without hesitation. If she fights you on this, then you have your answer on how deep it goes.


Not only will it show "how deep it goes" but also what her willingness if to commit to the marriage and end all contact with the OM/men.


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## Moe1234 (Aug 31, 2011)

Thanks all for the replies!

Bit of an update/clarification:

It seems this "om" after looking at the profile is someone from the middle east, not anywhere around here, so I think 99.9% now its just an online thing. Also I was able to copy/paste the whole conversation (at least what I think is the whole thing) and put it into a file on my own fb, so if she tries to delete it or anything I'll have it.

Also, this conversation was going on for 2-3 weeks, that I could tell, and she was definitely texting with him that night (~45min prior to my getting on the computer)

What also doesn't make sense is that we have each others pw's for everything, phone, fb, computers, etc... 
She also hasn't talked/texted me at all since last night....and i'm in no mood to contact her....Also looking this morning the om was de-friended on her fb. 

?Should I tell her to delete her fb acct and when her friends/family ask why tell her to tell them why? But then I don't want her to setup an acct in secret just @ work, that I wouldn't know about, at least with an acct I know of, now I can keep track somewhat I guess....

Also i just don't know where to go from here....or what to do/not do....keylogger programs are ok, but she could always just do the same stuff @ work, and I don't have access to her computer there... Also considering outing her to her friends/family anyways...

Just really confused.....and upset.....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

youd be surprised how sloppy some WS will get when it comes to affairs so still do the keylogger 

as far as facebook- it's your call but I think if you can get her to remove all of the stupid games and game friends would be a good start


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