# Husband has fallen out of love



## sadmom302 (Oct 31, 2009)

Since the birth of our son 3 years ago, my husband and I have been fighting about sex. The "spark" is gone. We have very little if any sex, which is my fault because I have had no urge. My husband has wanted sex the whole time but I am either too tired or just not in the mood. We have been together for 10 years. He recently said he is not in love with me anymore and does not want to be married to me anymore. He refuses to get counseling with me or to even try a date night. He said it is too late, it's over. I'm devastated, especially because of our son. He is a great father and I still love him. I don't know what to do! Is it too late? I have recently stopped taking birth control and my libido is back! Is it too late?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is the libido recovery really due to the birth control change or the impending divorce? 

Why didn't you try switching birth control 3 years ago?

Could you really not tell how upset/angry/rejected he felt?

The real issue in these situations is usually not the loss of libido. That happens in many marriages. In a good marriage, the partner with the low drive shows compassion, apologizes for not being there physically as much as they both wish, and ALSO simply has a certain amount of sex even though they don't want to, just to make their partner feel loved. 

In a not so good marriage, the low libido partner says - I don't feel desire for you, leave me alone and stop bugging me about it. That reaction will cause almost any male to withdraw emtionally and then leave over time. 

Too tired is code for not in the mood. It is not an honest reason. Don't get me wrong, of course you were too tired some nights. But I bet you had the energy to do lots of things you enjoyed every week. So if you had liked sex, you would have done it the nights/mornings you weren't feeling tired. Too tired is an attempt to blame circumstances beyond your control - to make it seem like it is somehow not your fault. But the truth is every time you fought about this you were choosing to make YOUR NEEDS more important then his. So now he thinks of you as a selfish, not very compassionate person who ALSO is not attracted to him. So even if your attraction is back it does not change the selfish/lack of compassion pieces. And that means if your libido drops again, you will go right back to treating him like you find him completely unattractive. Why would a decent guy put up with that?

Recommendation: Treat the next guy decently. 



sadmom302 said:


> Since the birth of our son 3 years ago, my husband and I have been fighting about sex. The "spark" is gone. We have very little if any sex, which is my fault because I have had no urge. My husband has wanted sex the whole time but I am either too tired or just not in the mood. We have been together for 10 years. He recently said he is not in love with me anymore and does not want to be married to me anymore. He refuses to get counseling with me or to even try a date night. He said it is too late, it's over. I'm devastated, especially because of our son. He is a great father and I still love him. I don't know what to do! Is it too late? I have recently stopped taking birth control and my libido is back! Is it too late?


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Read: His Needs Her Needs.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

sadmom302, I agree with everything mem11363 said. As a man leaving a marriage for a similar reason, I can undestand how your husband got to where he is at in your relationship. Don't get me wrong, I am sure you are a fantastic person and a great mom, but he married you to be his wife, not his mom, or just another friend. A great wife doesn't withold herself from her husband because she's "not in the mood". I would readily add that the same would be true for husbands, were the roles reversed.
Continual rejection causes incredible pain, especially when it originates from the person who is supposed to love you most. Learn from what mem11363 said. Love is not supposed to be selfish. Love is not supposed to be cruel. I truly wish you the best. I am sorry you had to learn such a difficult lesson, and I hope you can reconcile with your husband. LIL


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sadmom,

I walk the walk in and out of bed. Every sunday I go to mass with my wife. I am not Catholic - I go and I go with a smile and I do so because I love my wife and want her to support her and be a great partner. 

Every once in a while my wife wants sex when I am not in the mood. And when that happens I just step up, I make love to her and make her feel wanted. It is that simple. 

Because I KNOW there have been many, many nights when the shoe has been on the other foot and she has shown ME love when she was not in the mood. 






lastinline said:


> sadmom302, I agree with everything mem11363 said. As a man leaving a marriage for a similar reason, I can undestand how your husband got to where he is at in your relationship. Don't get me wrong, I am sure you are a fantastic person and a great mom, but he married you to be his wife, not his mom, or just another friend. A great wife doesn't withold herself from her husband because she's "not in the mood". I would readily add that the same would be true for husbands, were the roles reversed.
> Continual rejection causes incredible pain, especially when it originates from the person who is supposed to love you most. Learn from what mem11363 said. Love is not supposed to be selfish. Love is not supposed to be cruel. I truly wish you the best. I am sorry you had to learn such a difficult lesson, and I hope you can reconcile with your husband. LIL


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## sadmom302 (Oct 31, 2009)

Ok, well my husband told me he has feelings for another woman at work. She lives about 1 hour away and he spent this weekend with her. He cares for our son on weekends because I work. He told me he was leaving Friday after work and would not be back until Sunday. When I asked him what I was supposed to do about our son he just replied "I don't know, figure it out." I don't know what I should do. Do I ask him to leave? We had discussed separating after the holidays but I don't know how much more I can take. I'm just too upset.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sadmom302-

I've written nearly 3000 posts here telling guys how to make their woman feel more sexually attracted to them. Women love my writing because I am always telling the man what to do to make things improve. For this reason, most of the guys don't like what I have to say - they think I am putting all the blame on them.

But my ultimate advice to men (if she still won't go for it after you've turned yourself inside out and upside down) is to MOVE ON.

Why should a man pledge to stay faithful to one woman for the rest of his life, only to get no sex. I bet your libido is coming back becuase your husband finally stood up for himself...

Of course you could get him back. You just need to be clear first if you really really want him - sex drive and all.

Well if you're still speaking to me after that, you can read my article and you will see how fair I have been: http://www.marriagesatsang.com/articles/sexless_marriage.html


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Mark, loved your article - and would definitely read your book. The things you wrote are spot-on and I actually realised a lot of things about my own "shutdown" by reading your article. I will make my husband read this, but what can be done about childhood without affection and people-pleaser character? Can a man change his "spots" to get more sex?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nikon said:


> Can a man change his "spots" to get more sex?


I always try to work with the men to change their nature in as much as they are the ones complaining about lack of sex. However, it is a dual thing. Just as it is in some men's nature to become unappealing by being a people-pleaser, so it is in these men's wives nature to withhold sex form them. Either the man can try to overcome his nature, or the woman can try to overcome hers, or - ideally - both.

When we are slaves to our nature, we are just reacting like animals. As humans we have the choice to rise above our in-built primal reactions and re-arrange the psychic furniture to our liking. A man who is a doormat should be encouraged to be firmer. A woman who withholds sex should be encouraged to give freely. In marriage, loving often means supplying what's lacking.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree with this. And I also believe that once the man can say - I put 100 percent of my blood, sweat and tears into this marriage. I have a short list of NEEDS and if you are not willing to meet those then my best efforts are clearly not good enough and we had best part. It really is that simple. As for anyone who says it is shallow to leave over sex - my response would be that it is either shallow or lazy or both to let the most important person in your life walk out the door because you can't be bothered to make them feel physically loved. 

Goes for men and women.....





MarkTwain said:


> I always try to work with the men to change their nature in as much as they are the ones complaining about lack of sex. However, it is a dual thing. Just as it is in some men's nature to become unappealing by being a people-pleaser, so it is in these men's wives nature to withhold sex form them. Either the man can try to overcome his nature, or the woman can try to overcome hers, or - ideally - both.
> 
> When we are slaves to our nature, we are just reacting like animals. As humans we have the choice to rise above our in-built primal reactions and re-arrange the psychic furniture to our liking. A man who is a doormat should be encouraged to be firmer. A woman who withholds sex should be encouraged to give freely. In marriage, loving often means supplying what's lacking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> As for anyone who says* it is shallow to leave over sex *- my response would be that it is either shallow or lazy or both to let the most important person in your life walk out the door because you can't be bothered to make them feel physically loved.


Well put. The person who says that is being passive aggressive. The person who falls for such an easy manipulation is being weak or over-religious.


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