# WW not knowing what to do....



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

so many of you know our story about my infidelity. i was on the verge of giving up because BS was not stopping with his drinking but I realized how evil I've been to him from my actions over the past few months. i love him and wanted to do whatever he wanted to try and heal. today we had a really big set back. he went out to run errands and was gone for hours. I figured he needed some time to himself and didn't think anything of it. finally he comes home, very angry. i could tell immediately that he had been drinking heavily. Given our history with alcohol issues, I became very nervous but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. he comes in arguing but rightfully so because of the pain he is going through. then he grabs a knife. i became scared and asked him what was going on. he claimed it was to attack OM and he went outside to watch for OM (he is a neighbor). BS came back in with the knife and was yelling at me and saying I should suffer. I became scared and when he went back outside, I locked the door. Perhaps that was the worst thing I could have done. He immediately became enraged, kicked the door in which fell on me and knocked me to the ground giving me a huge bump on my head. He then hovered over me telling me that I deserve to suffer for all the bad things I've done which I do know is true. When things were not calming down I asked him to leave because he was drunk and the kids were getting scared. He refused and he was becoming belligerent. I let him know that if he didn't stop I'd be forced to call 911 because I was in fear for our safety. He didn't stop so I picked up the phone to call. He immediately grabbed the phone and took out the wires. I reached for my cell phone and he took that from me too. I became scared and ran for the stairs. He ran after me and so did our two oldest kids (4 & 2). He caught me at the stairs and he put his body weight on me so i couldnt move. He was yelling at me and I was trying to wiggle away. The kids at this point were crying and screaming no no no which is freaking horrible for them. I managed to run down the stairs and attempt to plug the phone back in to call for help. He got to me first and broke the phone wire. At this point he was so angry I was terrified. I ran to our neighbors house across the hallway and knocked on her door. Our two oldest kids followed (baby was asleep in his crib) and we sought refuge in my neighbors house while I called 911. The cops came, took one look at the broken door, the welt on my head and they arrested him. I let them know the situation about my infidelity and let them know I caused all these problems but didn't know how to deal with them. I honestly don't know what to do. I hate myself for all the damage I've caused and don't know what I should do. I've ruined all our lives and have no way to make anything better. I'm not sure what my point is for posting on here. You guys are the few ppl who would understand what BS and I are going through. I really hate myself right now.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Yikes!!!

Well, im not surprised he had a fit of rage. I had one myself. But he was drinking and took that wayyyyy too far. Someone could have been seriously injured or killed. No one deserves that, even though you did set this ball in motion, this latest activity is not your fault. Just like you are responsible for what you did, he is responsible for what he did. 

I can only recommend that the two of you not live under the same roof, and that he gets counseling immediately! This is a bad situation and im really at a loss for anything else to say, other than i feel really bad for your children, they are the innocent ones.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Oh sh!t. You did the right thing. There is NO excuse for this...period! You need to go as soon as you can and get a restraining order. This is completely unacceptable on any level, but to do this in front of his kids is just........I don't have the words.

What exactly was he arrested for?

So sorry you're going through this.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Someones going to jail. Wow, you might have cheated but he could have killed you in his rage. He needs serious help with his drinking and anger.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

That is not right for anyone to do. Your husband was in the wrong.

FYI

Did you know that your "crime" was punishable by death through lapidation?


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

he is in jail now on christmas eve and i feel like ****. its all my fault that we were even in this situation in the first place. not sure what to do. i was so scared and he was enraged. the entire situation just sucks. thankfully my neighbor watched the kids while he was taken away and i talked to the cops. as horrible of a person as i am for what i did, i just hate this stuff going on in front of the kids. your right, they are innocent and dont deserve any of this. im trying to pretend things are as normal as possible and planning to wrap presents and do the whole santa thing alone again this year. we were alone last year because of fighting over his drinking before I did my cheating. so its semi-normal for them i suppose. i just dont know what to do. do i get a restraining order. to i let him back in to show him that i love him and i want to help him. i just dont know what is right since i've already f'ed things up to the fullest.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need professional advice. Your H is Cold World, right? I know he's been grappling with the drinking. Has he been sober until now? Have you been going to counseling?

He needs a lawyer for himself. Does he have one? What about family to help?


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

yup...cold world. we have been going to mc and ive been doing ic but bs refused treatment for drinking saying he could stop on his own. our mc actually said he would stop seeing us if bs didnt stop drinking. bs insisted that he could have a few drinks and stop but apparently that wasnt the case today. if he doesnt get help, i dont want to R. i know that sounds evil but i cant let the kids experience that and ive been so unhappy for so long. i honestly dont know what to do. i f'ed up so bad and cant do anything right now. things were bad before but my A took it to a whole new level of bad.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What about family and legal help?


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

neither of us have family around here or legal help at this point. im thinking we will both need to explore those options. the police were just here to let me know that he is most likely posting bail tonight but won't be allowed back here for the night. not sure what to do if he decides to come here tomorrow. when he is sober, he is a totally different person. part of me wants to just leave him for good like i should have done before my A and part of me wants to try and make things better. i just dont know what is the right thing to do.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

The right thing to do FOR now is to keep him away from your children. Until he can demonstrate that he is clean and sober for a given period of time. That is the right thing to do. Protect the children at any cost.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

let's get something straight here. you totally f*cked up by cheating on your husband; but with your neighbor? well..... that's just the sh1tt1est. 


with all that being said, it was obvious from the start your husband wasn't gonna be able to contain his anger/rage for this POS. i mean seriously, the mofo lives next door! this man is a constant trigger for him. his drinking only makes matters worse. 

mind you, i am not condoning his actions, but this situation was gonna come to a head sometime. 


now, to my point..... sometimes the affair is a TOTAL DEALBREAKER! i think this is the case here. he's just not gonna get ovet it.....especially living next door to this d0uchebag.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, first get sober. Then talk, preferably with some professional help. You need a real plan to 1) commit to sobriety, and 2) decide whether you are going to try to reconcile. If you decide to try R, then you must have an agreed upon plan.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> let's get something straight here. you totally f*cked up by cheating on your husband; but with your neighbor? well..... that's just the sh1tt1est.
> 
> 
> with all that being said, it was obvious from the start your husband wasn't gonna be able to contain his anger/rage for this POS. i mean seriously, the mofo lives next door! this man is a constant trigger for him. his drinking only makes matters worse.
> ...


Exactly. Turn it around on yourself and picture your husband getting his jollies off with a woman you know that lives right next door.

I believe the cheating has probably even exacerbated his drinking. Sigh, I feel sorry for your children and your husband.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

your totally right. we had wanted to r and we were preparing for our condo to go on the market for jan 4 to remove the constant trigger. it didnt come soon enough. i feel horrible for all the pain ive caused him. i really do and thats why im on this board looking for any kind of advice.


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## morelouso (Dec 24, 2012)

Just like you are responsible for what you did, he is responsible for what he did.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't press charges that should help with him being arrested.

However, demand that he and you go to couples therapy to work though how your affair broke him as a man. He had drinking problems before, but the cheating has clearly destroyed him inside.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

we have been doing couples therapy since the cheating first came out. we both understood it would take a long time to heal if he ever did fully heal. i ruined him and now dont know how to handle it. plus the counselor said he wouldnt see us if the drinking didnt stop. we felt kind of abandoned and begged for our last appt. the counselor because nervous because of violence issues i guess.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Take the focus off of yourself. This is the sort of behaviour that got you to this point. 

Put the focus on your children and come up with a plan to protect them from anymore scenes like they were witness to tonight. 

Thats all i can offer you.

The rest is up to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Would it be fair to say that your husband was having something of an "affair" for want of a better word, with alcohol before you had an affair with a neighbour?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> plus the counselor said he wouldn't see us if the drinking didnt stop. we felt kind of abandoned and begged for our last appt. the counselor because nervous because of violence issues i guess.


Well, at least _this_ counselor realized that it's futile to even make an attempt at reconciliation when there is alcoholism involved (not many do). It's the same as trying to have marriage counseling when an active affair is involved. It can't be done. The addictions must first end before you can even begin to take that first real step to recovery. 

Alcohol has been a massive player in all this throughout your marriage, and until it stops completely, there is simply no hope.

And this is just step one!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Another family ruined due to infidelity. Christ.

You did the right thing though, as you could be dead this moment if he stabbed you in his drunken rage. 

With holidays its gonna be a while before hes arraigned.

I don't feel sorry for you though, just the children seeing their mother attacked by their father and probably gonna be asking "wheres daddy" tomorrow.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You did right. You are not to blame for this. 
*Ignore every one who tell you otherwise. They are wrong.*
He's an violent drunk, an alcoholic in denial. It's not the first time you had to move away from him (before DDay). He was an alcoholic way before DDay. He's still in denial. He could divorce you last month. 
He commited to sobriety, just the other day was back in denial, I saw it coming. Not because your affair, but becasue he's an alcoholic.

Firm on your boundaires. Contact counselor, get and emergency apointment for you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Live with what you did. It's your shame. 

BUT you must protect yourself and your children. You have to turn your back to him now. It seems exceptionally cruel but it must be done. This aspect of his behavior is due directly to alcohol and will not improve until he commits to sobriety. 

Get an order of protection and move toward divorce.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

i agree that his alcohol abuse has been a problem in the marriage for years before my infidelity and in a sense, he was having an "affair" with alcohol. he neglected and abused the kids and i for years. however i also acknowledge that my affair is on a much higher level of evil, deceit and betrayal. thats why im in a position where im unsure what to do. like someone else said, at this point, i cannot risk the children being witness to anything like this again. they are our first priority so i need to ensure their physical and emotional safety. im really upset that they had to see any of this tonight. im thinking BS and I should have no contact so he can seek treatment and i can continue IC to figure out what is wrong with my head that I was capable of having an affair. it just sucks because i want to help him too and i dont want him to think im totally turning against him. i just am running out of options because we need to protect the kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> i agree that his alcohol abuse has been a problem in the marriage for years before my infidelity and in a sense, he was having an "affair" with alcohol. he neglected and abused the kids and i for years. *however i also acknowledge that my affair is on a much higher level of evil, deceit and betrayal. * thats why im in a position where im unsure what to do. like someone else said, at this point, i cannot risk the children being witness to anything like this again. they are our first priority so i need to ensure their physical and emotional safety. im really upset that they had to see any of this tonight. im thinking BS and I should have no contact so he can seek treatment and i can continue IC to figure out what is wrong with my head that I was capable of having an affair. it just sucks because i want to help him too and i dont want him to think im totally turning against him. i just am running out of options because we need to protect the kids.


To be frank, I do not agree with that assessment. I think both are equally bad.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

i used to see both as equally bad but BS and I have been discussing it nightly and I understand how mine is on a way different level of morally wrong. i do however try to get him to understand that his alcoholism was also destructive to the family but he doesnt agree with me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> i used to see both as equally bad but BS and I have been discussing it nightly and I understand how mine is on a way different level of morally wrong. i do however try to get him to understand that his alcoholism was also destructive to the family but he doesnt agree with me.


Sounds like he is going to have to find his bottom.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...a woman who is trying to do the right thing, who is trying to WORK on her marriage...is assaulted and threatened with death...and it's all her fault.

Huh.

You know her BIG sin? It was being born. If she hadn't been born, she would never have married him and he'd be JUST FINE. 

Rubbish. He's an alcoholic. He wrapped his lips around that bottle and sucked before she cheated...and NOTHING HAS CHANGED except now he has an excuse for assualt and attempted murder.

So...let's rub some salt into the wounds of the SOBER ONE WHO IS TRYING TO FIX THINGS instead of the guy who is NOW the problem.

cledus...shame on you. What a horrible post. If she revealed her cheating and her sober husband shot the neighbor, would THAT be her fault too?

Murder and assault is the fault of the perp.

Cut a deal with the DA and Judge that he gets out with a slap on the wrist as long as he has court mandated counseling and alanon meetings...and let your husband know that you'll drop a dime on him in a second...because you don't want anyone to DIE!

He has totally lost his high moral ground. You two are equal. He could have dealt with this in a responsible way, using this marital tragedy of infidelity to make himself a better man. Instead he did this.

EVERYONE, even BS's have choices. He choose poorly.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let me add I'm sympathetic to the demons he has to face...but he needs to fight them, not welcome them in.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, it is most likely that he will apologize once he becomes sober. But I think you guys should separate and only start the R process once you are convinced that he stops drinking. Or this cycle with repeat with varying frequency.. And the situation is highly abusive to kids. Your faults don't mean he can keep doing what he is doing now.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Get out now... It is bad for both of you. You are not good for each other and obviously need to be apart. 

(advice from a ww in an abusive marriage for 11 yrs)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Right now, your priority should be your and your children's safety. Alcoholics are unpredictable and often violent, as he demonstrated. That you had an affair is of secondary importance now.

Get help. The two of you have too much issues and staying together is just damaging the kids.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

I think you guys are all right. DSS came here last night to ensure the kids were safe and we discussed how the kids are my first priority. As much as I want to help BS, I cannot live in the same house as him until he seeks treatment. DSS will be watching my decisions closely to ensure that I am making the best choices for the health and safety of the kids. I feel horrible about everything that is going on but I there are no other options besides a separation at this point.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> I think you guys are all right. DSS came here last night to ensure the kids were safe and we discussed how the kids are my first priority. As much as I want to help BS, I cannot live in the same house as him until he seeks treatment. DSS will be watching my decisions closely to ensure that I am making the best choices for the health and safety of the kids. I feel horrible about everything that is going on but I there are no other options besides a separation at this point.


It's the right choice. You can't stay in the same house if he is in danger of becoming violent. Get some distance, get a restraining order, then figure out if the two of you can reconcile.


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## likepatton (Dec 25, 2012)

Sorry that you are here. I am new here but I think it is safe to say the your marriage is dead. You need to find a new road to walk on. Your husband needs to find a new road to walk on, one without a lot of drinking. You should help him stay out of jail THIS time but that is it. I do hope you learn from your mistake.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Yeah, Im worried that the marriage is dead too. I think things were too bad that he can never forgive me. I don't know if there is anything I can say or do to fix that. I've been wanting to try but he is having a really hard time with everything and now we've reached the point that we HAVE to separate. I hope he is one day willing to give me another try so I can prove to him how sorry I am. For now, he needs to help himself. If he is willing to get himself help and then take me back one day, I want to help him with his journey to get sober. He is a great person when sober, but now I've ruined that. I really hate myself at this point but don't know what else to do.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Stop hating yourself. Years of abuse cloud judgement. You need to get to woman's groups that will support you and help you and the kids heal.

You could never help him on his journey because he is unwilling to take it. 

Your main problem is not that your are a bd person, because you are not a bad person. You are a good person in a situation most would have walked out. You love your husband and can not leave him and inside you did something else to either cope or provide an exit.

Merry Xmas to you and the kids. Focus on life forward, maybe you will be together with him again.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> Yeah, *Im worried that the marriage is dead too*. I think things were too bad that he can never forgive me. I don't know if there is anything I can say or do to fix that. I've been wanting to try but he is having a really hard time with everything and now we've reached the point that we HAVE to separate. I hope he is one day willing to give me another try so I can prove to him how sorry I am. For now, he needs to help himself. If he is willing to get himself help and then take me back one day, I want to help him with his journey to get sober. He is a great person when sober, but now I've ruined that. I really hate myself at this point but don't know what else to do.


Dear bd,

I agree with the other posters that your first priority should be to protect yourself and your children. Your second should be to do whatever you can to get your BH to accept that he is an alcoholic and needs to become sober. There are probably services in your area (Al-Anon?) that can advise you how best to go about this.

As to your marriage being dead, may I suggest that you consider it to be on life support but not totally dead yet. If your BH were to get treatment and stop drinking permanently, the question is would you want to get back together with him and try to R? If yes, then you should let him know this. Holding out hope that he might someday get his family back if he overcomes his drinking problem may, at some point, be the motivation he needs to get and stay sober.

But you should make it perfectly clear to him that, as long as he is drinking, even if only occasionally, you will not let him come back. The sooner he knows how bad his life has become because of his drinking, the sooner he may be willing seek help.

At the moment, you are both broken people. Your infidelity and his drinking are both responsible for the current mess you and he are in. The difference is that you are sober and can make clear judgments while his mind is clouded by drink. So, if you really love him, the burden falls on you to help him as best you can. Get professional help to develop a plan, stick to it and stay strong. Meanwhile, get help for yourself and your children so that, whatever happens with your BH, you and they can have a decent life.

Praying for you and your family.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> Yeah, Im worried that the marriage is dead too. I think things were too bad that he can never forgive me. I don't know if there is anything I can say or do to fix that. I've been wanting to try but he is having a really hard time with everything and now we've reached the point that we HAVE to separate. I hope he is one day willing to give me another try so I can prove to him how sorry I am. For now, he needs to help himself. If he is willing to get himself help and then take me back one day, I want to help him with his journey to get sober. He is a great person when sober, but now I've ruined that. I really hate myself at this point but don't know what else to do.


There is nothing you can do or say to fix the problems in the marriage. Before any of that can be addressed your husband must seek counseling for his alcoholism. If you go to alanon or any other support group you will hear that an alcoholic must help himself, no one can do it for them. It's very true. Once he gets his alcohol abuse under control then and only then can the issues of the marriage be addressed. You can address your own issues however by seeking help. You have been affected by his alcohol abuse just as much as he has. Please seek to heal yourself so that when and if your husband does get himself under control you will be ready to work on your relationship.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

He is out of jail now and sending me messages on FB. He admits to his issues and admits that he needs real help now. I just hope he does it and its not all talk. I also told him again how sorry i am and how regretful I am. He is aware that we cannot live under the same roof until he gets help. Not sure what is going to happen. I just know that we cannot be together right now and we have to take things day by day. If we ever want to R, we need to help ourselves first and then work on a new relationship. Its going to be a long road.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> He is out of jail now and sending me messages on FB. He admits to his issues and admits that he needs real help now. I just hope he does it and its not all talk. I also told him again how sorry i am and how regretful I am. He is aware that we cannot live under the same roof until he gets help. Not sure what is going to happen. I just know that we cannot be together right now and we have to take things day by day. If we ever want to R, we need to help ourselves first and then work on a new relationship. Its going to be a long road.


Yes his alcoholism has got to go, but you should separate/divorce none the less. 

Fact is your life was in danger, hes too toxic to be around in any shape or form. 

You need to think of children, and I know its probably hard to hear so I won't say it, but you know what can happen if he does something crazy like that again and what it will mean for their futures.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I can say this.. when my WW cheated on me my drinking went through the roof. Then she cheated again, and again and again. Needless to say I would come home drunk everynight and we would fight (verbally). This completely spiraled our marriage right down the toilet.

Thing is if I wasn't a drinker she would have cheated anyway. My wife also had me arrested . That didn't make anything better I can tell you that. 

Your situation seems to have spiraled as well. Don't think this will turn out very good.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

We have agreed to spend time apart and seek the help we both need. We agreed that we love each other and need to take things slowly. I'm hoping he is serious about this but only time will tell. For now, we will be apart. We agreed to think and do what is best for our family long term. The kids come first. I will never ever cheat again. I am disgusted with my actions. We are going to eventually make new vows to each other one day. I hope we get there but for now we are apart and taking things very slowly. It's all we can do. I agree with what someone said, our marriage is not dead, just on life support. Thanks everyone. Your thoughts mean a lot to me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> We have agreed to spend time apart and seek the help we both need. We agreed that we love each other and need to take things slowly. I'm hoping he is serious about this but only time will tell. For now, we will be apart. We agreed to think and do what is best for our family long term. The kids come first. I will never ever cheat again. I am disgusted with my actions. We are going to eventually make new vows to each other one day. I hope we get there but for now we are apart and taking things very slowly. It's all we can do. I agree with what someone said, our marriage is not dead, just on life support. Thanks everyone. Your thoughts mean a lot to me.


Glad to hear this post.
The real deal is respect and personal responsability. With this (whtefver look like) things will improve, regardless the outcome.
Keep working on you, that's what you can control.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

baddecisions said:


> Yeah, Im worried that the marriage is dead too. I think things were too bad that he can never forgive me. I don't know if there is anything I can say or do to fix that. I've been wanting to try but he is having a really hard time with everything and now we've reached the point that we HAVE to separate. I hope he is one day willing to give me another try so I can prove to him how sorry I am. For now, he needs to help himself. If he is willing to get himself help and then take me back one day, I want to help him with his journey to get sober. He is a great person when sober, but now I've ruined that. I really hate myself at this point but don't know what else to do.


Sort yourself out in the time apart during the separation. Stop sleeping with married people. Use this time to fix yourself...maybe some time apart, things will be better.


And to be clear. Both of you hurt the kids. he did it in a more obvious way while what you did will have a longer term impact..


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

So here is an update on our status. BH was charged today with assault and battery with a deadly weapon. His hearing is the end of January. He is currently out of the house for at least the next 3 months while we both seek help. I think the gravity of our situation is starting to hit me. The fact that he could go to jail is very scary for us both. I'm almost in a fog right now and consumed with guilt over what I've done but there is nothing I can do at this point. He needs to seek anger management and help with his addictions. My focus is the kids and ensuring that things stay as healthy and normal as possible for them. After a 15 year turbulent relationship this is where we ended up. It's like we are both living a nightmare. All I can think about now is the kids. This forum is a great place to let some feelings out so I thank you for that.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

baddecisions said:


> He needs to seek anger management and help with his addictions.


Don't know how things work where you're from but the court may mandate it.Truthfully,it will look better in the eyes of the court if he makes an effort ASAP in this area himself.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm not trying to excuse his drinking, but here are the facts.

1) You cheated.
2) He's in jail for Christmas. 

Not a good combination. Divorce him and let him find someone who cares about him. That's my advice.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

There is NO excuse for my cheating. I feel horrible that he was in jail on Christmas Eve, I really do. I did not want to call 911 however I was in fear for my safety and the kids safety because he was not himself due to drinking. We've had problems with drinking long before my crime of A was committed. In fact, we spent last Christmas apart (before my A) due to fights involving alcohol. I really hope he gets help to work on his addiction. I really hope he takes me seriously because for years I said I would leave him and I never did. Instead I made the worst decision of my life by cheating. Now I must face my own demons to figure out what caused me to do those actions and be able to be so deceitful. It's just a sh*tty situation overall.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> And to be clear. Both of you hurt the kids. he did it in a more obvious way while what you did will have a longer term impact..


Not likely.

I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. You *have* to remove yourself and the kids from that environment. Having an affair while being married to this abusive A$$ is nothing compared to the harm he has done and could possibly do,to both you and your children.

To this day (I'm 43) I still can recall vividly the drunken, abusive fits of rage and violence my father perpetrated on my mother and siblings when I was 6 and younger. 

Your affair will have little impact on your young children. Your husband's alcoholic behavior will leave permanent scars. 

Learn from your mistakes, leave him, and don't look back. Both of you are too broken, and you are probably co-dependent if you've dealt with this for so long.

He needs to hit bottom. Be careful in the meantime, because he more than likely will get drunk again after he gets out, and come looking for you. I recommend a RO.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hes most likely going to jail. 

He'll be one of ten plus cases showing up on the judges desk that morning and he won't want to give your husband the benefit of the doubt so he can read in the paper next week about a murder suicide involving a man and his family.

Just the reality of the situation.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not likely.
> 
> I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. You *have* to remove yourself and the kids from that environment. Having an affair while being married to this abusive A$$ is nothing compared to the harm he has done and could possibly do,to both you and your children.
> 
> ...


Hmpf, sounds like you and I could be brothers as that is pretty much my childhood as well.

And, yes, it affects you for a lifetime.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not likely.
> 
> I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. You *have* to remove yourself and the kids from that environment. Having an affair while being married to this abusive A$$ is nothing compared to the harm he has done and could possibly do,to both you and your children.
> 
> ...


RO's are meaningless. If a man or woman is coming to someone to do them harm they're not gonna give a sh!t about some piece of paper. If shes fearful, I'd advice moving in with family, out of state if possible. Child custody shouldn't be hard to achieve.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

WhiteMousse said:


> I'm not trying to excuse his drinking, but here are the facts.
> 
> 1) You cheated.
> 2) He's in jail for Christmas.
> ...


She's cared for him for many years through his alcoholism/anger issues. Yes she cheated and she should have left before cheating.

You can't fix someone who won't help themselves. It seems like she's cared and given more than most people would have in a marriage to someone with an addiction. She made a huge mistake but him going to jail was not her fault, that is all on him and his addiction.

Protect your kids, you're lucky you got out of there alive IMO.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not likely.
> 
> I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. You *have* to remove yourself and the kids from that environment. Having an affair while being married to this abusive A$$ is nothing compared to the harm he has done and could possibly do,to both you and your children.
> 
> ...


"Learn from your mistakes, leave him, and don't look back. Both of you are too broken, and you are probably co-dependent if you've dealt with this for so long.

He needs to hit bottom. Be careful in the meantime, because he more than likely will get drunk again after he gets out, and come looking for you. I recommend a RO."

Agreed. This is just reality.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's a bad situation all around. What's done is done. As someone else mentioned the court would be wise to insist on anger management and substance abuse counseling. It would go a long way to healing him. 

And frankly I think your presence would not be a good thing while he undergoes treatment. 

You had no part of his inexcusable attack on Christmas Eve. That was totally on him.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Your right walkonmars, I think me being around him makes things more difficult emotionally. My guilt wants me to help him get all his treatments in order but I realize that he needs to do it on his own and I need to concentrate on the kids. I've spent many years babying him and taking care of everything. I think that contributed to a lot of our problems. It's time for him to do things on his own and I hope that he makes the right choices. I just keep reminding myself that we need to take this day by day.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> I'm not trying to excuse his drinking, but here are the facts.
> 
> 1) You cheated.
> 2) He's in jail for Christmas.
> ...


If all this gets him the help he needs and he can quit drinking, her cheating has saved his life and maybe marriage. This all depends of course if they realize they have hit rock bottom. Ironic isn't it?

Realistically, the marriage has been a nightmare and hopefully they can both get counselint and save thier family and their kids won't grow up to be just as screwed up as their marriage.

Do either of you attend church, you need counseling too, so do not quit on it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> i used to see both as equally bad but BS and I have been discussing it nightly and I understand how mine is on a way different level of morally wrong. i do however try to get him to understand that his alcoholism was also destructive to the family but he doesnt agree with me.


They never do.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You needed to give your husband space after the cheating episode. He might get his space now that he might go to jail.

Avoid the neighbor. You don't even have to greet him.

Start working on forgiving each other for both of you have your faults.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> I'm not trying to excuse his drinking, but here are the facts.
> 
> 1) You cheated.
> 
> ...


Less Confirmation Bias. More Facts.

You may not intend on excusing his drinking...but it seems like a nice side effect of your fact selection.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Your wordage makes you sound like you enjoy a little bit of this drama...I bet it wasn't the first or last time he's behaved this way and I further bet he had a drinking problem before you married him. I guarantee one of your parents were alcoholic as much as one of his were...It's called co-dependency. Mix in booze with adultery next door and you have a recipe for disaster. You need therapy as much as he does. I am sorry to say this but your counselor should have referred you to ALANON as well and him of course to AA. You both need recovery before reconciliation. What the children are experiencing is worse than what they would in a divorce. You are both creating future alcoholics and codependents. Just like mine, life is a script we inherit from our parents. My father was a cheater so I married a cheater, my mother was faithful, so I am faithful...blah, blah, blah...


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

rightfulrisktaker...your right. drinking was a big thing before we were married. we met in college and at the time, we both drank. i figured over time we would mature together but it never happened. that is why i believe ive created and enabled a lot of the problems we have. many members of his family are alcoholics and they consider it part of their "culture". i was drawn to this when i was younger because it was the polar opposite of the way i grew up. i grew up in a very strict family. my parents were not perfect but neither was an alcoholic. i make the assumption that both of my parents were faithful however im not 100% certain of that fact. i had a very happy and stable childhood. so far, ive not maintained that for my children because of the things ive done and the actions ive enabled. that is why i realize now the drastic measures that need to be taken. im not enjoying this "drama" in the least bit. id give anything to go back in time and make better decisions. this is not an easy situation for either of us. im using this site as a way to deal with my guilt and depression. i have no other outlet for my feelings and trying to act as happy and normal as possible for the kids isn't easy.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Baddecisions, I know this sounds harsh, but I'm glad you feel horrible for all the pain you've caused. I am the victim of infidelity - I did nothing to deserve it. And its clear as day that cheating absolutely ruins, RUINS, a marriage. It's SO DESTRUCTIVE. You made a horrible horrible horrible mistake and I truly hope you will NEVER EVER do it again. 

That being said, you must move the family out of your house immediately. You may not be around your neighbor. You may never ever see your neighbor ever again. As far as your're concerned, he is dead. Go stay with family or friends, and your H should stay with his family or friends. You two should not be in the same household until things settle down. 

In the meantime, I suggest you write him a letter telling him just how awful you feel about hurting him, the family, the marriage, etc. Tell him it was the worst thing you've ever done in your life and you will do ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING to make it up to him. You must swear to him that you will never ever betray or lie to him again. You should be completely transparant, give him all your emails, passwords, phone records, etc. if he wants it. Offer it. He definitely went too far with the drinking but he has to go through the stages of grief before he comes to acceptance. And that takes nothing but time. Give it to him. Give him all the time he wants and tell him you'll be around waiting for him when he's ready. 

Leave him alone for awhile. A few months maybe. Let him see your kids but always have someone there to monitor the exchange. Thereafter, if you guys try to reconcile, you will probably have to endure some verbal abuse for awhile (i.e. him telling you you're scum and the worst thing on earth). Suck it up and take it. It's natural for him to do that. 

Keep in mind, he will go through hell while you're separated. Let him. Do not try to be the one to console him- you're the very one who hurt him! You have to let him hurt on his own one more time before he can begin to heal. If there are any more cats in your bag, you'd better tell him about it (via letter, not in person). This is a ver critical time for you right now and you have to handle it appropriately and let him deal with this however he deals with it. Separate yourself to protect yourself, but do NOT provoke him. This goes without saying, but you have to be an angel from hereon out. Absolutely NO screwups (i.e. NO contact with the OM, NO inappropriate emails, no nothing!).

Also, make sure you're around people at all times (i.e. dont be alone!). If he comes after you again, call the police immediately and TRO him. It will probably mean divorce if you take him to court on a TRO but at least you will have legal protection. Just don't be alone. Utter remorse. This is your time to show it to him. GL.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

victim789...thanks for your post. i agree with every single word you wrote. i will write him a letter to let him know the remorse that im feeling. i had tried to be open and transparent with passwords to all my accounts however i changed them after his previous drinking episode. ill let him know the new passwords again so he knows i still care. im putting this condo on the market for jan 4 because we want to get out of here and never look back no matter what happens between us. as far as the neighbor...in my eyes he is dead. i want nothing to do with him and have no desire to see or contact him ever again. ive also more than learned my lesson about the severity of infidelity. NEVER AGAIN.

i also agree that we need time apart. i need time to work on my issues and continue individual counseling. he needs time to work out his feelings and think about ever forgiving me or not. he also needs time to fight his disease. i think the time apart is good for both of us. 

i honestly have nothing left to tell him about the a. ive told him everything and don't know how to make him realize that is the truth. because ive been so deceitful he doesnt believe what i say. what can i do to show him that ive disclosed everything? ive told him to ask me any questions that he wants and i will answer them honestly. he never really asked me anything. i want to show him that im being honest and dont know how. any suggestions would be very helpful.

lastly, im currently alone with the kids but planning to leave town in the next few days. weather dependent because we are on the east coast and expecting a big storm. my female neighbor across the hall is fully aware of our situation and made herself available to me for assistance. BH is out of state at the moment and he plans to stay there until the new year. again, i really appreciate this forum and all the help you guys give. i deserve the harsh words and i know that. thats why im here, listening.


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## Cold_World (Nov 29, 2012)

So not everything she said is real.
I will not go into detail be cause it would be petty.

but here it goes. We go to counseling Saturday where I ask for more answer ..more truths and she still has that look of lying. lying in MC ..WTF..why even go.

We get home and do a timeline with the help of ATT. and guess what..New shyts start flying...

1. new affair time its now 6 months.

2.she admitted to blowing OM by the stair while the kids watch tv. risking getting caught or being heard.. who does that.. 
WTF.. really WTF..(asking for details has a price)

3.She had contact while I was removed by police (swore for month straight this did not happen.

4.She admitted to blackmailing OM for 'weed' multiple times at her friends request.

5.She admitted to never wanting to tell me... no guilt eating at her .. no I had to tell you because i love you.. none of that the reason it came out was ...

She admits that her and her friend wanted to see him have a panic attack and sent him messages that she was going to tell me. Messages saying she was hurt, so he can freak out and panic for their enjoyment.. and he does . He told his wife out of stress from the joke. 
then the wolf here acting so hurt.. told me it because she was so guilty. and so back in love with me..You can read it in her post.. all a lie.

This new info Plus all the trigger in the house had my green supply really low.(self medication) I needed it more and my guy ask to meet at a bar. I made the huge mistake of walking into a packed bar on X-mas eve. no excuse ,just at a weakest spot in 4 weeks,I failed and so dealing with.
Last counseling session we agreed that i need more help than I am getting now. I am 100% responsible for my action and loosing control. 

Just want to say that in 15 years i have never put a figure on her and the door was already broken causing it to snap on a push. The events where 100% awful for the kids.we all agreed that me moving is best for then and that is why, I am now in diff state.

. 
I have to step back and remember no-matter how hurt i feel the kids come first .. I lost track of that and that is why I am in the mountains with brothers family. To find out if my kids (4,2,and 8 months) and the shell of a person is worth the hurt of reconciliation.
why?
because i know I pushed her away with my drinking. 
because I love my babies more than i am showing lately but they are truly the only thing i have in this world.
But most of all ,because I am in a fog or dumb or alcoholic trance or something but part of me still love her.. I know. I wish there was pill to make me stop.

I don know.MC says that it will be year or so to feel normal again. I can't walk out on my family with out fighting to fix what I did. My fix the my side of the mistakes.

[email protected] my life.


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## Alecto (Sep 16, 2012)

You said in an earlier post that your husband "neglected and abused the kids" before the affair. Exactly what do you mean by that? Just not spending time with them? Yelling (and how much of it?) Hitting?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Cold_World said:


> I don know.MC says that it will be year or so to feel normal again. I can't walk out on my family with out fighting to wrong my side of the mistakes.
> 
> [email protected] my life.


Betrayal changes you forever friend. I hope you can forgive your wife. I cannot even possibly fathom what kind of mind movies go through your head while you sit helpless through the mind torture.

Cheating is disgusting.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Blaming OP's alcoholism is like putting the cart in front of the horse IMO.

I read his thread, and from what I remember he was only into hobby beer brewing, and enjoying beer, but was not a chronic raging violent alcoholic drinking to cope. That came AFTER she destroyed the foundations of his world, and confidence, and left him a ruined man (what with the gaslighting and blameshifting and rewriting of history etc)

I dunno, it just seems everyone is happy to blame everything on this bloke because he is not coping with being destroyed, and is fcuking himself up on alcohol as a consequence.

My father was alcoholic, and I have bad memories of his episodes of rage, but those memories are nothing compared to the destruction I felt when my first long term GF cheated on me. 

To equate alcohol problems as being on par with infidelity, as some posters have done, is breathtakingly sickening IMO.

Her husband needs to detox and get off the bottle, and deserves a punch to the head for threatening her the way he did like a boor, but her retrospectively justifying what she did due to his breakdown post-affair is backwards, dishonest, and just plain fcuking wrong.

The fact they STILL LIVE ON THE SAME STREET as the other man she FCUKED implies to me she is not doing enough heavy lifting. Is it any wonder the husband was triggering every 15 seconds knowing "HE" was just up the road? He is/was a mess due to her infidelity, and non-functional, she could see this, so why didn't they move into her family's house until they could find somewhere else, or even a friend's? Anything to get away from that street and him.

Their marriage is irrevocably fcuked now regardless, clearly, so this whole post is moot really.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Baddecisions, 

You asked what can you do to show him you're being transparant? I know this sounds kind of ridiculous, but you should volunteer to take a polygraph test. I didn't realize it until my H ruined my marriage, but lie detector tests are actually quite common for relationship issues. Why? Because you have ruined the TRUST that the marriage was built on. You telling him the truth means minimal... if not nothing.. to him. You lied to him about everything. He simply does not trust you anymore. You had his complete trust and blew it. You have to do something to give him SOME piece of mind. He can ask you any question he wants and a polygraph may at least give him some kind of comfort... something for him to latch on to to understand that you are, in fact, telling him the truth now. You should even offer to set it up for him and pay for it (I estimate approx. $300+ per test). Make it as easy for him as possible (he will have to write the questions though). 

Another thing, once you and he have got your head on a little bit straighter.. and things settle down, your H has to address his alcohol issues. You and he should quit drinking together. Do it as a couple. Make it a common goal and help each other through it. Rebuild together. But for now.. give him his space and let him accept what you've done. He needs it.


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## ready2run (Dec 8, 2012)

I feel so bad for the children caught up in his mess.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I was about to post that we should listen to Cold_world version of the events just in case she is manipulating the situation to get sympathy from TAM. Looks like she is. If that is what she confessed, I can only think the reality is much worse. 

CW, reveal the new information to OMW. Then confront him to see if he will confess more. You have a very manipulative woman for a wife. Be very careful.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> i had tried to be open and transparent with passwords to all my accounts *however i changed them after his previous drinking episode.* ill let him know the new passwords again so he knows i still care.


Have you changed your passwords to resume your A?

Can you elaborate that a bit?


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

he has always been a raging alcoholic. that never changed. i should have realized that from the beginning. if he doesnt admit that, i cannot change that. he has also always been in denial about his disease and the issues it has caused (not referring to my A).

I had changed my passwords and given them all to BH until two weekends ago when he went out drinking again, ran from the cops and lost his phone. At that point I changed my passwords again because he was not around and we were back to fighting. That was an episode before the Christmas Eve event.

the door was broken from a fight before my affair when BH was beligerent and I locked him out in fear for our safety. I know he mentioned that above. 

all that matters are the kids at this point and their emotional and physical safety. so being apart is the best option for us.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

So we have an adulterous woman married to an alcohol and weed addict.

And we see the results of two toxic people married to each other.

Both need IC. Yesterday.

Stay out of any future relationships until you fix YOU.

Poor kids.

If anything good is going to come out of this, it's the realization that the selfish lives you've been living need to change to selfless lives. You both seem to realize that now.

Good luck. Hopefully life gets better for you both.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

ThreeStrikes...you said it perfectly.


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## Cold_World (Nov 29, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> .
> the door was broken from a fight before my affair when BH was beligerent and I locked him out in fear for our safety. I know he mentioned that above..



Do you not understand that I can read your lies?

The affair started back in June. Door broken in November.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

If you cannot acknowledge the fighting, and issues from before my A, im sorry. We both need help. This is not a game of who hurt each other more. We need to focus on the kids. We both were selfish and deceitful. On different levels, but we both made our mistakes. I'm not denying mine. You know I hate myself for it. If I could change it, I would. It's pointless for me to post on here anymore because you are going to twist things the way you want for you to ignore problems we had for years. That is NOT a justification for my actions. I'm sorry it came down to this. I'm sorry I didn't leave you years ago and that this is what our lives have come down to.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Hmmm,
Changing passwords back is a passive aggressive move. Indicating you either wanted to make him angry or continue on being deceptive.
Either way, what I have been reading indicates that there is so much selfishness going on here. Blame being tossed back and forth like a practice football.

You both need to mature up. Cold World you need to lay off the alcohol and baddecisions you need to stop playing victim to poor alcoholic husband.

You have kids for Christ's sake. Can't you at least get yourselves together for their benefit.

I came from a broken home..I would have given anything for my parents to have been responsible enough to fix their problems so that I as their child could've had an easier childhood.

What you are doing now will damage them..for life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

baddecisions said:


> If you cannot acknowledge the fighting, and issues from before my A, im sorry. We both need help. This is not a game of who hurt each other more. We need to focus on the kids. We both were selfish and deceitful. On different levels, but we both made our mistakes. I'm not denying mine. You know I hate myself for it. If I could change it, I would. It's pointless for me to post on here anymore because you are going to twist things the way you want for you to ignore problems we had for years. That is NOT a justification for my actions. I'm sorry it came down to this. I'm sorry I didn't leave you years ago and that this is what our lives have come down to.


And the facade of R ends..

You say you are very remorseful for what you did. But they are just words if you cannot even confess to what you did You gave up useless passwords but you never gave him the truth. Trickle truth is a killer to most R. There are many many BS(male and female) that lost control after multiple D-days. While wrong, CW need not be a alcoholic to have reacted like that!! That is what emotional trauma does to a person. But you go on spouting cliches without actually meaning them.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

hey Jerry springer called, he'd like you to come on his show. 



FOR PHUCKS SAKE WAKE THE HELL UP! 

B.D. You claim the drinking, abuse and etc drove you to cheat? Now you claim you want to do whats best for the kids? I'm sorry but I don't believe you. What's best for the kids is to wake up on X-mas with morning with huge smiles on their faces, and open presents with BOTH of their parents. That has not happened for the past 2 Xmas's correct? What's best for the kids is leaving an alcoholic, and abuser years ago. 


C.W. Good Gawd man. Fix your self man. Any fool with a **** can create a kid. Only a man can be a father. Are you a fool, or a father? Yea I know she cheated, and you are hurt. So was I. but guess what.. NOT 1 PHUCKING TIME did my son EVER see anything negative from me. NEVER! My son is my world, and will never see anything but positive reinforcement from me. You need to do this for yourself, but if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. THEY NEED THEIR FATHER!

YOU BOTH ARE SCARRING YOUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE! do you not get that? You have innocent kids that see their 2 favorite people in the world being *********s. 

I really hope you 2 fix yourselves, and have a happy life, but neither of you is making good choices right now. 


good luck to both of you.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

JCD said:


> Less Confirmation Bias. More Facts.
> 
> You may not intend on excusing his drinking...but it seems like a nice side effect of your fact selection.


It's not confirmation bias. It's a list of facts that the husband is going to go over in his mind. 

I'm not saying that it's a fair representation of what happened. I'm saying this particular combination of elements is going to make reconciliation difficult. 

And for the record, these kinds of reactions occur without the assistance of alcohol. That tends to happen when people are betrayed by their spouse and (supposedly) best friend.

Chill.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Someone is lying here.

I the only one getting the vibe that something big is being glossed over by one or both of them?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Trickle truth is as referred by shaggy, pulling the bandaid off slowly. Every millimeter, every little pull hurts just as much as the first one.

OP, it seemed as though you did want to R, but R requires full transparency, not changing of passwords when you are angry with your BS.

Now you say you are just "sorry you did not leave him before"....?

Forgive your husband already, everyday, you keep bringing up his problems as if you have not forgiven him and as a justification for your cheating (even though you say you are not justifying). 

Focus on fixing yourself. If you want to change your spouse for the better, than upgrade yourself. 

It is useless to quarrel and just listen to advice without taking action.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Someone is lying here.
> 
> I the only one getting the vibe that something big is being glossed over by one or both of them?


I as well.

The first thought that comes to mind when a WS posts on here knowing that their BS posted on here is to post half truths so that their BS would read and think, "well maybe she was telling the truth".

A boy cannot be taught how to be a father, he must be shown how to be a father.

The father figure is the most important figure in the family.

Without good men, there will be no good marriages, only bad examples for children which they are affected.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> And the facade of R ends..
> 
> You say you are very remorseful for what you did. But they are just words if you cannot even confess to what you did You gave up useless passwords but you never gave him the truth. Trickle truth is a killer to most R. There are many many BS(male and female) that lost control after multiple D-days. While wrong, *CW need not be a alcoholic to have reacted like that!!* That is what emotional trauma does to a person. But you go on spouting cliches without actually meaning them.


/thread


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I'm sorry I didn't leave you years ago and that this is what our lives have come down to.


She could have said this if she accidentally cheated once, maybe when she was drunk, not after what she did. The stuff she did with the OM is f*cked up. They blackmailed him and the guy had to confess to get out from BD and her friend's greedy claws. Considering the nature of relationship between BD(with her friend) and the OM, there is more horrible truth yet to come out.

BD, can you honest for once ? You are destroying CW one more time every time a bit more truth comes out. Let him finally know who he is reconciling with.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

:iagree:


Veritas vos liberabit.

The truth will set you free. I'm sure you've heard of it.

They even use it for AA. Be truthful to yourself. If you really want to be worthy of any redemption, do not in any way minimize both your offenses. Do not overlook or justify the damage you caused your spouse (to both of you) and the collateral damage to those around you, specifically your innocent children who will forever remember.

For both you and your husband, you need the maturity and honesty to admit and accept full responsibility for each of your OWN actions and learn to forgive each other everyday if you wish to R. Loving someone means that you also forgive them everyday even if they do not ask or do not want to be forgiven.

Become transparent knowing that you both struggle with faults and that is why you both must help each other to overcome them daily for the rest of your lives.

Realize that the way you have been living, is NOT working. The way you are "loving" each other is not real love, it is a fabrication of abuse and betrayal with a guise of "love".

Real love can heal the heart after betrayal. Real love can forgive any offense. Real love changes you and it can change your spouse and your lives.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

This might be the most screwed up situation I've read on TAM in a long time. I cannot excuse CW for getting drunk and causing all hell to break loose but as a BS myself I can understand it. He needs to get his alcohol consumption under control so that he can be a good man and especially a good father. My spidey senses are tingling when I read BD's posts. Something just aint right there. CW, get yourself in a better place for your children. If your wife is as manipulative as you say, they will need you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> I had changed my passwords and given them all to BH until two weekends ago when he went out drinking again, ran from the cops and lost his phone. At that point I changed my passwords again because he was not around and we were back to fighting. That was an episode before the Christmas Eve event.


I doesn't make sense, WHy changing the passwords, as a punishment? What was your goal with this? Make him even more paranoid?

And stop lying! Just stop it already! Stop manipulating, it seems you love it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> To equate alcohol problems as being on par with infidelity, as some posters have done, is breathtakingly sickening IMO.


Many alcoholic partners are more than happy of their cheating because this way they can breath for a while. Sickening?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> If you cannot acknowledge the fighting, and issues from before my A, im sorry. We both need help. This is not a game of who hurt each other more. We need to focus on the kids. We both were selfish and deceitful. On different levels, but we both made our mistakes. I'm not denying mine. You know I hate myself for it. If I could change it, I would. It's pointless for me to post on here anymore because you are going to twist things the way you want for you to ignore problems we had for years. That is NOT a justification for my actions. I'm sorry it came down to this. I'm sorry I didn't leave you years ago and that this is what our lives have come down to.


OK MrsMatthias.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i'm sorry, but i don't see any reconciliation here.

you(*baddecisions*) keep on lying and breaking NC, and he's(*Cold World*) seeking therapy in a bottle.


you two need to grow up!


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Well, we probably don’t have the whole story here and it is safe to assume you are both lying (to a degree). 

I would say you both deserve each other. Unfortunately, the children are suffering because both of you fail at behaving like decent human beings. 

It’s a weird world we are living in. You need a license to prove you are capable of driving a car, but not one to prove you are capable of being a parent.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cold_World said:


> 1. new affair time its now 6 months.
> 2.she admitted to blowing OM by the stair while the kids watch tv. risking getting caught or being heard.. who does that..
> WTF.. really WTF..(asking for details has a price)
> 3.She had contact while I was removed by police (swore for month straight this did not happen.
> ...


When I first read you story I suspected she confessed to BW mostly to make them break (she was her friend also!), classic OW's move, instead of out of guilt. But this is really sick. The narrative of neglected wife of an alcoholic, poor victim, who got sucked on it witoug asking for it crashed down. It was all about entertainment and jokes. Blackmail is sick in my book.
I hope you start looking that mirror and think hard what kind of person does those things, then reject that woman entirely. Start owning you stuff.


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