# During the fight.



## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Do you ladies ever feel during the fight that you will never be able to love him as much as you did before? Then air cools off and you are back feeling the love for him and you promise yourself that you will from now on prevent that kind of fights from happening. That of course isn't happening, couple of months later there we are fighting again. 

Is it possible to stop it- turn the corner so to speak and find harmony OR we will just keep fighting till we have enough and split up. 

Question, how often do you fight, I mean, big fight, neighbors can hear kind of fight? (my H has some Scotch Irish in him) I am from north and never raise my voice. 

Are we just not compatible or everyone fights now and then? 

How often in fights does break-up cross your mind? Right after the last fight the D word actually came up. 

How often do you mention the D word if ever. I once read that it is wrong to mention it if you are not serious. I considered to get my seasonal job back where I would have my own housing and I would see him once every other week. I thought that he would realize that he needs me and misses me. I know, that is totally childish way of thinking. 

He has said that he is not going to change and that I have to make up my mind once and for all. Have you ever been in a relationship where one party thinks he or she has no blame in conflicts? 

Basically I asked him if he had some regrets how that fight went down and he said - no regrets. I had some and there were plenty to be regretful on his part, the yelling for instance. 

I don't know, I thought this is going to be a small thread with couple of questions, sorry, I can't sum it up really short. 

When enough is enough? How can you see it if you keep lying to yourself.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Are both of you fighting to prove you're right?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> Question, how often do you fight, I mean, big fight, neighbors can hear kind of fight? (my H has some Scotch Irish in him) I am from north and never raise my voice.
> 
> Are we just not compatible or everyone fights now and then?


It is always surprising when a thread like this comes up, it is as if fighting is the norm for some people. TBH I find it shocking that people would choose to live like this.

I have never in my life, in any relationship had a fight that the neighbours could hear. That is so way out of control it is scary.

My ex and I did not fight but we did not communicate, we were a mismatch.
My partner and I do not fight, we communicate brilliantly and we are an excellent match.

Not everyone fights but that is no measure of the solidity of the relationship. But IMHO those that have these horrendous fights on even an occasional basis should seek help and learn how to communicate effectively.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

No, it starts with some minor reason, but then it is about a philosophy differences. I had sex and the city on during the fight and he said that I am influenced and bring this bs cosmopolitan culture in his house, then he threw the dvd out of the window and said that there will be no more trash magazines, dvds or websites like that, this one included. 

My issue is that many times when we fight it really, really hurts and then the next few days latter I feel ok again. Can this continue forever or is my heart going to break at some point. 

Any experiences with bumpy relationships, can it last or is there going to be major disappointment in the end.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

My grandma once said that couple is like two rocks that rub against each other till they are smooth like the ones you find by the sea side. I guess she fought a lot too at the beginning. By a lot I mean every other month, maybe every third month.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think the biggest issue out of your entire thread, is that he has you backed into a corner and refuses to meet you anywhere in the middle. Having come from an abusive marriage, I know what one looks like. He may never put his hands on your, but yelling at you to the point neighbors can hear, throwing things, etc. is abusive IMO. 

I don't think your idea of getting yourself some space by way of a seasonal job is childish at all - that separation and space may do you both good. You have needs that be is obviously not meeting, and has said that he will not try to either. I personally could never accept that as an answer.

ETA: I posted before reading your post about him throwing stuff... take that into consideration. Authorities in many states suggest that destruction of property is physical abuse, as they use articles to show you what they can to do you. OP... Please, be careful. 

How long have you been married... did I miss that?


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

I have been married 5 years. My friend came to visit and she said: "I know it is not my business, but your H is an emotional abuser. And you are obviously lying to yourself". She didn't experience the yelling but the laughing about me. 

I don't like that term - emotional abuser- because I think a lot of women take advantage of that and use it loosely. 

When I visited my family they said that I am under a shoe and that I repeated many times how happy I was, to the point where it seemed like I am trying to convince them and myself.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

If I really really want to believe that everything is OK no one can convince me otherwise, maybe therapist can. I will start with reading some books. 

When it is good it is really good, you know what I mean? It is like having a nightmare once in a while and forgetting it as soon as possible.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I can agree that abuse is a term that is sometimes used a bit too loosely.... But with that said...

If you really want to know if what you are going through fits, find your local YWCA chapter and get into their group counseling class. Agree to go once or twice before deciding if it is or is not for you. One of the things that they discuss in regards to abuse is how it occurs in a cycle. Re-read your post... that is exactly what you are talking about. 

FWIW, my ex threatened to kill me and choked me until I blacked out, but he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. Studies show emotional and verbal abuse does more long term damage than physical. Please take my suggestion to heart from someone that both understands, and has been there.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> I can agree that abuse is a term that is sometimes used a bit too loosely.... But with that said...
> 
> If you really want to know if what you are going through fits, find your local YWCA chapter and get into their group counseling class. Agree to go once or twice before deciding if it is or is not for you. One of the things that they discuss in regards to abuse is how it occurs in a cycle. Re-read your post... that is exactly what you are talking about.
> 
> FWIW, my ex threatened to kill me and choked me until I blacked out, but he was also verbally and emotionally abusive. Studies show emotional and verbal abuse does more long term damage than physical. Please take my suggestion to heart from someone that both understands, and has been there.


Omg, you really know what you are talking about. 
SO he was emotionally abusive but you stayed till it got so bad and physically dangerous, you probably lied to yourself too. 

He has said that he wants to slap my face, he also makes that sound and hand movement like imitating slapping. I have said that I would leave if he hit me, so far it hasn't happened.

I am the one who have had physical reaction, he fallowed me and I wanted to close the door behind me so I pushed him away. I know it is wrong under any circumstances, there is no excuse. 

I once threw keys at his general location. I admit, I am not perfect, I feel emotionally backed in the corner so push back physically has been the only way I can impact him, it has happened when he laughs at me. 

I have promised myself not to do that ever again, hasn't happened yet. Last time we fought I felt like taking a crowbar and smashing a window, but I kept calm.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

However I don't think one person is at fault. It takes two to fight. The difference is if both partners are willing to work it out, in my case the answer is no. 

Also if abuse is a pattern for someone then it really is their fault, their choice.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Arguing is not necessarily a bad aspect of marriage, especially in the early stages. I've read that couples who have conflict in the early stages are more likely to have settle into a happy marriage in time. Couples who don't have conflict D more frequently. Seems counterintuitive. 

Throwing things is never ok. You both have anger problems that may escalate. 

You have to set boundaries that if crossed you must separate. I don't think you have that now. He cannot dictate to you or throw things in any direction and neither can you. Do you have children? 

I found an article about long term marital success in the link below. 

My husband and I had many arguments when we first married. They were about little things too. But he never did anything like throw things nor did he dictate what I could do or not do. 

We kind of cleared the air and settled on how we were going to merge to be able to live in the same house. We still ague but not as much and we get over the fight more rapidly now. The passion means that you care. 

You have to fight fair though. See if you can get some help on how to resolve conflict. You won't ever agree about everything. You can decide on where you compromise, or agree to disagree. 

MARRIAGE - RESEARCH REVEALS INGREDIENTS OF HAPPINESS - NYTimes.com


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> Omg, you really know what you are talking about.
> SO he was emotionally abusive but you stayed till it got so bad and physically dangerous, you probably lied to yourself too.


Not exactly, but the physical abuse came first, someone called the cops following the fight, and he was arrested and prosecuted by the DA. Not wanting further criminal record, he moved towards other types of abuse - which are harder to prove legally. Then when I left the crazy came back and he was legally removed from the home. 

To further touch on Catherine's points, he and I never fought in the beginning. He also said he could never lay a hand on a woman. Obviously wrong. Separation is not always a bad thing. Sometimes getting out of the crap helps you clear your head and come up with ideas. Regardless of your decision, you both need to figure out a better way to communicate your issues. Would he be receptive to suggestions for MC?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Whether or not you've had a fight the neighbors can hear is likely an unbalanced statement if you live in an apartment versus a house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Very occasionally we'll have a serious fight, usually it's a build up of stress from outside problems at work or with in-laws for example that are the root cause though. I think the last time we had a huge fight was shortly after my MIL did something terrible to me, though the fight was unrelated to that, I have noticed a correlation between these blow ups and stressful periods in our lives.

At the time of these sort of fights I know I feel like I don't love him as much anymore, but I get over that. Sometimes it can take a few weeks, possibly a month or two to completely crawl out of that head space. As we get older we fight less and less and I feel we are improving our communication skills.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> He has said that he is not going to change and that I have to make up my mind once and for all. Have you ever been in a relationship where one party thinks he or she has no blame in conflicts?
> 
> Basically I asked him if he had some regrets how that fight went down and he said - no regrets.


This is not acceptable at all. Sounds like he was the one in the wrong, so he needs to apologize and not continue to repeat the same behavior.

If he's throwing DVDs out of the window and screaming about some TV shows and magazines, you are being abused and abuse leads to scars. It's time for you to make some rules and stick to them (ie, if you throw anything again, I'm done.)

Sorry, but there is no reason to be taken for granted or disrespected. Ever. I think you should listen to what he is saying and act accordingly. He's basically saying take it or leave it. I can only advise one thing: Leave it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> No, it starts with some minor reason, but then it is about a philosophy differences. I had sex and the city on during the fight and he said that I am influenced and bring this bs cosmopolitan culture in his house, then he threw the dvd out of the window and said that there will be no more trash magazines, dvds or websites like that, this one included.
> 
> My issue is that many times when we fight it really, really hurts and then the next few days latter I feel ok again. Can this continue forever or is my heart going to break at some point.
> 
> Any experiences with bumpy relationships, can it last or is there going to be major disappointment in the end.


When ever I hear about this type of behavior on either side, it just boggles my mind that people can actually act like this. It is just so completely foreign to me.


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## Island hopper (Apr 15, 2014)

I too am in an argument with my husband that has lasted about 6 weeks now. It all started when I booked a trip to go away with my girlfriend. He has not been physically abusive and I don't think he ever would. The emotional and verbal abuse is really way too over the top for me. He has threatened to leave and threatened divorce and even told me to leave. I will not back down on the trip. He has said that he would like to go to but there is no way that he could.
I am having a very hard time in my own mind as to how our marriage will survive this. There have been a lot of very bad things both said and done. Right now I am so exhausted from the arguing that I am ready to pack it in anyway. Life would be a lot more peaceful being on my own.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Island hopper said:


> I too am in an argument with my husband that has lasted about 6 weeks now. It all started when I booked a trip to go away with my girlfriend. He has not been physically abusive and I don't think he ever would. The emotional and verbal abuse is really way too over the top for me. He has threatened to leave and threatened divorce and even told me to leave. *I will not back down on the trip.* He has said that he would like to go to but there is no way that he could.
> I am having a very hard time in my own mind as to how our marriage will survive this. There have been a lot of very bad things both said and done. Right now I am so exhausted from the arguing that I am ready to pack it in anyway. Life would be a lot more peaceful being on my own.


It seems like there are deeper issues in your marriage than just this, but I would like to touch on it a bit and ask a question...What is it about this trip that is more important to you than your marriage?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> When ever I hear about this type of behavior on either side, it just boggles my mind that people can actually act like this. It is just so completely foreign to me.


Sure, but the OP is in the situation and needs advice. I don't want to pick on you but you kind of sound like my mother or my former neighbor!  As an example, my former neighbor had a perfect family. Her sons were perfect, her husband was perfect, no one ever fought, the kids never raised their voices, it was paradise.

Well, I have great kids too but my son is a bit volatile and I've had to tell him off a few times (ie. don't raise your voice, watch the tone, etc.). It didn't help me when she'd say "MY sons NEVER acted like that. HOW can this be?". It just made me feel worse....


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Holland said:


> It is always surprising when a thread like this comes up, it is as if fighting is the norm for some people. TBH I find it shocking that people would choose to live like this.
> 
> I have never in my life, in any relationship had a fight that the neighbours could hear. That is so way out of control it is scary.
> 
> ...



I have the same trouble understanding why and how people do this. 

My dad used to scream and yell and cuss at me and mom. It would scare me, and I would cry for hours. 

I would NEVER tolerate that behavior from my husband. The first time he screamed at me I would be packing my bags, and he would be getting some serious help. I don't ever see the need to scream, yell, throw things, etc.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Omego said:


> Sure, but the OP is in the situation and needs advice. I don't want to pick on you but you kind of sound like my mother or my former neighbor!  As an example, my former neighbor had a perfect family. Her sons were perfect, her husband was perfect, no one ever fought, the kids never raised their voices, it was paradise.
> 
> Well, I have great kids too but my son is a bit volatile and I've had to tell him off a few times (ie. don't raise your voice, watch the tone, etc.). It didn't help me when she'd say "MY sons NEVER acted like that. HOW can this be?". It just made me feel worse....


I find that when people preface something by saying they don't mean to do it, it is often followed by exactly what it is they say they don't mean to do. This indicates acute self awareness followed immediately by equally acute lack of self control...

That said, point taken  But as you can see, others here have expressed an equal level of bewilderment at this behavior. The value in expressing such bewilderment is to show that such behavior is not necessarily normal, and that if one wants something different, that there certainly are alternatives out there.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I find that when people preface something by saying they don't mean to do it, it is often followed by exactly what it is they say they don't mean to do. This indicates acute self awareness followed immediately by equally acute lack of self control...
> 
> That said, point taken  But as you can see, others here have expressed an equal level of bewilderment at this behavior. The value in expressing such bewilderment is to show that such behavior is not necessarily normal, and that if one wants something different, that there certainly are alternatives out there.


I know and I totally agree with you about this behavior. And I do indeed think the OP should no longer allow herself to be disrespected.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

At the time my marriage was breaking down I participated in individual counselling. The one issue about myself that came up that the counsellor told me was a potential deal breaker (as far as the marriage was concerned) was my angry outbursts. 

I never hit anyone or even threatened to hit anyone but I would yell very loudly, slam things, punch walls etc. Of course this would leave the now ex and kids crying. 

In hindsight it seems stupid I couldn't figure it out before but it was only when the counsellor said that to me that I realized the gravity of my actions. 

The really stupid thing was that my anger was never really at the people I was expressing it to. My anger was pent up stress related to outside situations where I didn't dare show how I felt. I was getting angry at the people who were closest to me and least deserved it.

If you have any hope of a happy marriage your husband needs a wakeup call...and quick.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> *Are we just not compatible or everyone fights now and then? *


This was a recent thread here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/181898-how-often-do-you-guys-fight.html...

....I am one of those people who feel a little Conflict is never a bad thing... it helps us dig deep, where we were missing each other.. how to please each other better (if we are listening)...we haggle out our motivations, where we feel hurt, slighted, taken for granted, etc....and we resolve together....that's what is the most important.. to get back to "peace" and harmony...... I've never been one to stuff how I feel.. I NEED to talk it out....sometimes I get a little intense...raise the voice...never throwing things, never the D word..we both are able to acknowledge where we missed it with each other...this is tremendously important...

This is an excellent article on how healthy communication is meant to be....with each acknowledging their shortcomings /owning their own hand.... 

 PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE -communication...

5 very important points...(just snippets of the article)



> *1*. Interdependent couples accept the need for them to change and take ownership of their own issues. They do not blame their partner or others for their problems, nor do they assume the role of a victim.
> 
> *2*. Interdependent couples don’t give up their own identity. They recognize the importance of having and maintaining their own identity outside of the marriage, in addition to their identity as a couple. I view interdependent relationships as having a “me”, “you”, and “us”.
> 
> ...


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## baedono (Apr 19, 2014)

Oh this reminds me of my husband and I. When we first got married, we had nasty fights almost every week. Some ended up having one of us slam the door behind us while we left our apartment for awhile. Sometimes it ended up with us sleeping on opposite ends of the bed as far away from each other as possible or one of us sleeping on the floor. Our fights were horrendous and I'm sure our neighbors could hear once in awhile. Most of these fights were about a number of things like money, why someone didn't do something, who was working harder, who was doing more/providing more, etc. Just very petty, stupid things.

We are much better now, but we tend to bicker a lot more than having major fights. 

I understand that feeling, though. After fighting, you feel the love kind of disperse but then after a few days, it comes back and you feel content/happy again. 

But to tell you the truth, after fighting SO much, the love really does change a bit. My love for my husband doesn't flourish as much as it used to, and he can feel it sometimes, but whenever we discuss divorce, I get very sad and doubtful of leaving him and it makes me think that that means we are not ready for a divorce and there is still love there; we just need to make it work.

Days get better and better, as long as you communicate effectively exactly how you are feeling. When you let your partner know that you don't like what they are doing/saying, that you were thinking about divorce, etc, then you can see if they really want to make it work.

But I honestly can't tell you if this is an issue of compatibility or not. Sometimes my friends will talk about their fights in their relationships and it is similar to my husband and I. It makes me wonder if it is normal or if it's compatibility problems, too.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband and I rarely ever fought in the first 13 years of marriage, now we fight at least once a week and everything is my fault according to him, he does no wrong. Anyway I can go on and on, but I wont. 

Fighting in a relationship is normal, but fighting all the time is not normal


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> *Arguing is not necessarily a bad aspect of marriage, especially in the early stages. I've read that couples who have conflict in the early stages are more likely to have settle into a happy marriage in time. *Couples who don't have conflict D more frequently. Seems counterintuitive.
> 
> Throwing things is never ok. You both have anger problems that may escalate.
> 
> ...



My W and I had a very similar experience. We definitely argued much more frequently in the first year or two of our marriage. I think this is the time that most of the compromising takes place and both sides are trying to determine the best course for the married relationship.

How the household will be run, who will be responsible for what, determining preferences and dislikes, etc.. All of that has to be settled before there can be any real harmony.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, I would leave your dh if I were you. I just could not put up with what he has done. 

Honestly, I could not put up with my dh swearing at me or calling me names. Even that would be too much for me. Everyone's marriage is different, I know.

Dh and I fight whenever we feel the need to. He is not scared of my emotions. He can handle them. And that is good, because he certainly sees all of them.

He told me once that I am easy to live with, because he never has to guess what I am thinking or feeling. 

That is the kind of man you want to be with, OP. One who is secure and in control of himself, and has love, real love, to give to you.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

jld said:


> OP, I would leave your dh if I were you. I just could not put up with what he has done.
> 
> Honestly, I could not put up with my dh swearing at me or calling me names. Even that would be too much for me. Everyone's marriage is different, I know.
> 
> ...


Ah, jld, I sooo agree with you that toxic tantrums like in OP's case are NOT OK... and OP should not put up with them. Not the same as fighting fair. At all.

From SA's article: "Interdependent couples are not enablers, and set good boundaries and limits in their relationships. They do not enable nor do they invite hurtful, dysfunctional, and unhealthy behavior to continue in their partner or relationship."

Exactly.

And that goes for both genders.

Like I already posted, GF used to do stuff like that too (in regard to issues concerning my kids and the way my ex-wife handled things)... she is now my ex-GF


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