# It feels like she's losing marbles



## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

I am desperately confused. My wife is 4 months pregnant, we've been married for 10 years. We have two other children. She has a history of depression, and grew up with a crazy mom, and a distant dad. I have no intention of ending the marriage. 

This valentine weekend we had a really great weekend. My folks took the kids and I think its the best time we've had since we were married. On monday (a holiday), I had some work I had to do. She got angry and insisted I lied about how long the work would take (I'd been reminding her about it for 4 days). I told her I was sorry I'd upset her, but that I hadn't tried to deceive her. She said it was all too late to apologize, I should have never deceived her.
When I got back a few hours later, she wanted me to take the kids to the snow. I begged her to come for about two hours, but she said she couldn't be around me or accept my apology unless I admitted I'd intentionally deceived her. I told her I didn't want go without her and she insisted I take the kids because I'd promised them. 
She spent the entire time I was gone wailing in bed because I hadn't made her come. She'd missed our 2-year olds first snow trip, which was now a monumental occassion all because I was so mean, and hadn't wanted her to come.
She refused to talk to me so we texted back and forth for two hours where she said she liked the things I said, but it was all too late, and I should have said them before. I was locked out of the room. She said she would let me in to clean my teeth in the morning. Emotionally drained I fell asleep on the couch. 
She called me around 11:00pm and woke me up, telling me that if I'd wanted to talk to her I would never have fallen asleep and that she wouldn't talk to me now, it was too late. 
Today I went home for lunch to talk to her and she said that if I'd wanted to talk to her, i could have done it last night after she refused to talk to me. It is always too late.

I don't even know what she's upset about any more. I feel as though she is creating little tests for me, with the accuracy of a she-loves-me-not petal picking game. 

She thinks that I hate her, and I haven't raised my voice at her or said a single mean thing. I have just been telling her I love her, and that I'm sorry I made her feels so bad, and that I want to hug her. Now she's asked me to stop talking to her unless its about the kids. 

She is completely inscrutable. I don't know whether she's going to serve me with papers, kill herself, or give me a big kiss when I get home.

I am scared that she is trying to push me away because she is afraid of feeling this close to me. We've had a lot of rocky patches in the marriage. But I am also worried that she's having a psychotic break. She seemed OK today, but yesterday she spent 4 hours wailing in utter defiance of reason. (If it was important to her, she could easily have said "I'm unhappy with you, but that won't keep me from snow day.")

Instead it feels like this is snowballing into increasing amounts of devastation for her and utter confusion for me. Does anyone have suggestions?

Should I back off and give her space and time? Confront her with her insanity? Make a grand gesture of devotion?

Does anyone know what's driving this? She easily falls into depressive funks, but this is just bizarro. Her mom has BPD, is this some sort of manifestation of pre-empting the fear of rejection?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im not proud to admit it, but in a lot of ways your wife reminds me of myself. thats a little embarrassing to admit, but there it is.

one thing my H did was when i asked him to leave me alone, he left me alone. that drove me nuts! i would kick him out of the room and he'd just go fall alseep on the couch. id get so angry. Now i realize i was just playing games. 

There's a lot of things you can do. But one thing you're going to have to get out of your head is trying to change your wife. the only person you have control over is yourself. 

Read about boundaries, codependency, and go to a counselor.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

On the third day, she finally dropped the fight, but I am still worried about her. She has invented this alternate reality of what happened. I think she may honestly believe it. 

While in the real world I was laying next to her petting her head and telling that I was sorry I hurt her feelings, but didn't intentionally deceive her... In her head, I was screaming at her and telling her everything was her fault.

She says she decided that she can't be too nice to me, because if she is, then I'll start treating her like garbage. She says its a pattern. I've noticed my own pattern... every time we get really close, it seems like she starts having psychotic delusions and loses her mind. 

I tried to reason with her a little bit... but when I repeat back to her what she said, or asked me to do. Her face darkens like her brain is stuck, and she starts to mutter. I am fine dropping it, now that she is not intent on hating me for the time being. 

I am just worried about the next time. Should I lie to her and apologize for bizarre things I haven't done in order to snap her out of her funk (I've done this in the past). I just don't know the best way to approach the "psychotic break with reality" fight.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Is she in individual therapy?


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

She doesn't believe in therapy. She's was in it a lot as a kid. Her dad was a psychologist. She used to spend all of her time manipulating her therapists to think she had bizarre syndromes. She's gone to psychiatrists before to get medication, but she usually stops taking it.


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## farrellapparel (Dec 18, 2010)

Broo, I have the same thing going on over here. What the heck happened?
-John


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## hoipolloi (Dec 17, 2010)

There are many similarities described here that are in my situation as well . . . I would love to hear that broo's situation improved for the better! 

Broo, update?


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