# I caught my wife on the phone with the OM!



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Hi everyone,
After several month in the fog I finally found out what was going with my wife. She had suddenly changed and I started to ask and seek answers from her. We have a eight year old daughter and have been married for nine years total of eleven years together. So I have been back in forth in hiring a PI to do my dirty work. This weekend I was out and came home to hear a conversation she was having with someone to be OM, I heard enough to finally convince me that she is having an affair. When I approached she hang up the phone and I told her, so you were talking to your boyfriend. She replied no why, I answered because I heard everything and now I know what you have been upto and it is really sad after so many years and so many conversations that you have done this to me.

She went on to say that she was not doing anything wrong and that I did not hear to whom she was talking on the other side. I told her that I did not need to hear who was on the other side because the conversation was obvious that it was with a married man. Reason I say that is becasue she was telling him that she has had to put up with a lot of his shhhit because of his wife. So she is refusing to admit it and left the house mad, she came back I did not say another word. I know now the truth and she never thought that she would get caught. Now I feel like I have hit with a bullet in my heart but I am not showing it because I need to be strong. last night she came home after work and was in a dead fog sitting on the couch and could not look at me straight in the eye. I love my wife, but I do no think I could forgive and forget all that she has put me thru.

I am devestated, everything has come to a complete stop for me and I need to move on for my daughters sake. I am very hurt and very upset at the fact that she has not been honest with me. I told her many times that she can tell me anything that I would accept it and that I would move on if she fell out of love. She never said that she had another man nor that she fell out of love. I want her to leave the house bacuse I can not cope with her infidelity. This will never go away in my mind and will always come up in the future. I copuld never trust her when she says that I am going to the drug store. She tried to talk to me last night about trivial stuff and I told her that she needed to be honest with herself first and to please clean out your issues. She did not reply!


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Very sorry to hear this has happened to you. Do stay strong. You seem to know your issues and mine are very similar in circumstances, so you are not alone. It pains me greatly to see so many people going through this exact same thing word for word, and yet there is solace in knowing its not just happening to me.
I have a daughter too, and I am the primary affection giver in the house, and so i feel forced to have to damage our relationship becuase of what my wife has done and continues to do.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

It is very painful indeed! I never thought that something like this can destroy the core of my body. I feel so much hate that I can`t think straight. I am the primary affection to my daughter too, she relies on my affection every single day.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The affair has to end or your marriage doesn't have a shot.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Be strong, friend. Focus on you and your daughter. Go to the gym, take up a hobby, get buff, get to be that desirable man again in your mind that any woman would be happy to pursure and catch. This is all good stuff for you and your mental state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So, why are you to affection for your daughter. Is your ws distant to both of you while sje is in the fog?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I feel your pain, brother. I had the same thing just last night. I caught her side on tape. 

Did you know it was going on before this? Is he local so there could be a hookup? I don't know your story. I apologize for the questions if you have already posted it. 

The pain is indeed very deep. We have 2 daughters (9 and 10) and a son (7). The saddest thing in our situations is that there are a lot of innocent children at a very fragile point in life that are the ones hurt the most by our spouse's infidelity.

One thing to reflect on is that it takes two to tango. While an affair is never the answer, there must be something on our end that we could have done differently. Look inside yourself and find what you can improve. I have many things (anger issues with angry outbursts, poor listening skills - cutting people off in the middle of what they are saying, etc.) Yes, my spouse has added many other faults when she is spouting out why the affair started. Yours probably will, also. Listen with a grain of salt, but try to pick out what may be real issues. I am working hard on changing, not for her, but for me. If we don't look hard in the mirror and just move on to the next woman without changing, we are likely to have a repeat performance. 

That's just my two cents worth. I am in the same boat. I also heard things coming from my wife's mouth that I wish I had never heard. Can we still reconcile? I don't know. Can I work on my issues to become a better person? Absolutely. So can you. Be strong for your daughter. Try to control angry outbursts (my biggest struggle). Eat. Work out. Do things for you and your daughter. My biggest pain reliever is playing with my kids. I draw the line at listening to Justin Bieber, but other than that I love playing with my kids. Love on that little girl. There's nothing in the world like those little eyes looking at you and hearing the words, "I love you, Daddy."


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Shark,
My wife has always been less than affectionate towards me, which I guess could be attributed to her own raising and how unaffectionate her father was towards her. But yes, she has been this way our entire marriage, and now that the daughter has been born and is almost 9 now, she is the same way with her. So I have had to step in doubletime and be playtime pal, and hugs and kisses daddy, but I still maintain the need to provide guidance in terms of positive growth, i.e. she doesnt get away with bad behavior for instance. Unfortunately, mommy allows about 90% of her interactions with our daughter to be the "taskmaster" type. clean your room, do this do that, and doesnt balance that with signs of love or attention or playtime with her. That child sits on my lap 100% of the time when we are all together just watching t.v. or something, because usually, mommy's lap has a laptop in it, or her cellphone game/texting away the time. Its a real loss for my wife, but I am the last person she will listen to tell her that.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The affair has to end or your marriage doesn't have a shot.


Jellybeans,
I do not know if she will end it or not. I can`t think what she is thinking. However, she was caught and now how to face her issues at hand. I winder what is going thru her mind knowing that now I know she has been having an affair.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Be strong, friend. Focus on you and your daughter. Go to the gym, take up a hobby, get buff, get to be that desirable man again in your mind that any woman would be happy to pursure and catch. This is all good stuff for you and your mental state.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do my friend, I go to the gym almost everyday stay busy doing all the things I can to not stay stuck in a cave. However, this has really hit home! I needt o know how to cope with this to get my mind free from what has happened.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> So, why are you to affection for your daughter. Is your ws distant to both of you while sje is in the fog?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has been distant from me of course. However, I have always been very close to my daughter in every way.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> I feel your pain, brother. I had the same thing just last night. I caught her side on tape.
> 
> Did you know it was going on before this? Is he local so there could be a hookup? I don't know your story. I apologize for the questions if you have already posted it.
> 
> ...


I have had my suspension but did not have any facts to justify an affair. Now I know and it hurts bad, I wish I could turn the clock fast forward to see the light ahead of the tunnel. How do people cope with this, one needs to be under your own skin to see what this is like.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SHARKY said:


> I winder what is going thru her mind knowing that now I know she has been having an affair.



No doubt she doesn't feel great about it like before you found out.


----------



## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No doubt she doesn't feel great about it like before you found out.


Jellybeans I have read a lot of your situation on here. I feel sorry for Sharky big time because this can not be easy for anyone. Jellybeans, so what does her mind focus on now that she has been heard from her husband, from a women stand point. Be strong Sharky you have everything to gain and she has everything to loose.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I feel your pain, brother. I had the same thing just last night. I caught her side on tape.
> 
> Did you know it was going on before this? Is he local so there could be a hookup? I don't know your story. I apologize for the questions if you have already posted it.
> 
> ...


What a great post.I am very impressed Sir!:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> I do my friend, I go to the gym almost everyday stay busy doing all the things I can to not stay stuck in a cave. However, this has really hit home! I needt o know how to cope with this to get my mind free from what has happened.


Sharkey, you will never be free in your mind until you lose the fear of what happens in the future. And lose the fear of losing your wife. Once i realized "Whats done is done, keep moving forward, regardless of what the future holds...", THEN i realized that i lyet my mind go from that pain. After that, it seemed manning up was easy. I know longer feared telling my WS what the hell i thought about her affair, for risk of making her upset. Then, i kicked her out. This seemed to force some reality into her, because se was trying to cake eat with me while justifying continuing her affair...because...well..it WAS all my fault in the first place.....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

peace said:


> Jellybeans I have read a lot of your situation on here. I feel sorry for Sharky big time because this can not be easy for anyone. Jellybeans, so what does her mind focus on now that she has been heard from her husband, from a women stand point. Be strong Sharky you have everything to gain and she has everything to loose.


What will happen is 1 of 2 things: Either she will realize the gravity of what she did and end all contact with OM (and Sharky would have to set a hard boundary and stick to it so she knows he means business, IMO) and commit herself to her marriage OR she won't care and carry on the affair as-is. 

In my situation, we both cheated, confessed and divorced (yesterday, actually). I had already ended all contact with OM, gone no contact but my H to this day is I believe still in touch with OW. If that is the case, he chose the affair over our marriage since the divorce just went through at his decision. I wanted to save the marriage, he didn't.

So again: either she will end it or she won't. But no doubt him discovering it on his own (the worst way to find out, IMO) will change things for her. When an affair is exposed, it's no longer fun/fantasy/exciting. When it gets out, it becomes reality and affairs aren't so neat when they hit the big truth that is Real Life.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Sharkey, you will never be free in your mind until you lose the fear of what happens in the future. And lose the fear of losing your wife. Once i realized "Whats done is done, keep moving forward, regardless of what the future holds...", THEN i realized that i lyet my mind go from that pain. After that, it seemed manning up was easy. I know longer feared telling my WS what the hell i thought about her affair, for risk of making her upset. Then, i kicked her out. This seemed to force some reality into her, because se was trying to cake eat with me while justifying continuing her affair...because...well..it WAS all my fault in the first place.....lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree 100 %
I have to be very assertive because I will not allow her to provoke me, to then make false allegations against me. However, I have and will maintain my boundary and if she crosses that line I will file a restraining order against her. I told her out of respect for me and and our child that she needs to leave out marriage home.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey S----what you must do is hold the line--- you are using a good 180---keep it up

What you now have to tell her is this---she is free to do as she pleases---you can't control her, and would never try---so if she wants to have her A---so be it---BUT you will also tell her you will not SHARE HER WITH ANYONE----so if she does not come clean, tell you what is going on, and go NC immediately---then this mge., is over

Notice of NC is to be by E-Mail with you approving the contents, and you watching it sent out---NO OTHER WAY

Also until she decides she wants to actively participate in an R, with her doing ALL the heavy lifting---she is to leave the home---if she refuses---move her into a small room somewhere in the house, and put all her clothes, and sundries, and make-up in that room with her----let her see that she is not wanted, if she doesn't want to become accountable, she is gone


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What will happen is 1 of 2 things: Either she will realize the gravity of what she did and end all contact with OM (and Sharky would have to set a hard boundary and stick to it so she knows he means business, IMO) and commit herself to her marriage OR she won't care and carry on the affair as-is.
> 
> In my situation, we both cheated, confessed and divorced (yesterday, actually). I had already ended all contact with OM, gone no contact but my H to this day is I believe still in touch with OW. If that is the case, he chose the affair over our marriage since the divorce just went through at his decision. I wanted to save the marriage, he didn't.
> 
> So again: either she will end it or she won't. But no doubt him discovering it on his own (the worst way to find out, IMO) will change things for her. When an affair is exposed, it's no longer fun/fantasy/exciting. When it gets out, it becomes reality and affairs aren't so neat when they hit the big truth that is Real Life.


Jellybeans again thank you for your input here. I am sorry for what happened in your end too. I think that you hit the nail in the head, the fun and the privacy is over, for now on, no matter if she runs to the local market, I will not believe her and she will feel the same way. She has lost my trust for good, it will take a miracle for me to recover from her affair.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Hey S----what you must do is hold the line--- you are using a good 180---keep it up
> 
> What you now have to tell her is this---she is free to do as she pleases---you can't control her, and would never try---so if she wants to have her A---so be it---BUT you will also tell her you will not SHARE HER WITH ANYONE----so if she does not come clean, tell you what is going on, and go NC immediately---then this mge., is over
> 
> ...


Exactly! Now what is NC?
I will not leave my bedroom and she has slept in the family room. I am not the one who had the affair and for which I am intitled to my boundaries. She needs to be accountable for what she has done, not only to me but for our daughter and famliy.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is why it is crucial you tell her right now what your position is on this. That you refuse to live in an open marriage or else...

and you HAVE to stick to it, Sharky!

NC = No Contact.

Is OM married? I think you said he was. Tell his wife. Today.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> That is why it is crucial you tell her right now what your position is on this. That you refuse to live in an open marriage or else...
> 
> and you HAVE to stick to it, Sharky!
> 
> ...


Thank you again,
That I refuse to live in an open marriage or else. I do not understand, remember I am in a fog right now.

I do not know the other man, and she refuse to admit that she was on the phone with another man. Even after I told her everything I heard was enough for me to know it was a married man. If I find out who he is, I have ways to get his address and personal information right away. His wife will know for sure if she doesnt already.


----------



## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

SHARKY said:


> Thank you again,
> That I refuse to live in an open marriage or else. I do not understand, remember I am in a fog right now.
> 
> I do not know the other man, and she refuse to admit that she was on the phone with another man. Even after I told her everything I heard was enough for me to know it was a married man. If I find out who he is, I have ways to get his address and personal information right away. His wife will know for sure if she doesnt already.



She is not stupid! Of course she is going to refuse that she was not on the phone with the OM. However, she knows the truth and that you heard it.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

SHARKY said:


> Even after I told her everything I heard was enough for me to know it was a married man.


What kind of phone was she on? Do you have access to the account? You can check phone records online. If you get the number, you can do a reverse phone lookup. In my case, I paid around $25 for a reverse cell phone lookup only to discover his name was "unlisted". lol Thankfully, a friend had some friends that knew how to find it. I have all of his information. He isn't married, so there is not much pressure I can put on him from his end. His parents do know. I have talked to them a couple of times. I'm sure if your wife's OM is married, he will feel a lot more pressure once his wife knows.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Use the call logs from the phone bill, and gather your intel.

The fact that you called her out on it and she continues to deny it means she is going to start hiding the affair even BETTER now. Start doing some detective work but do not reveal your sources to her.

Sharky, YOU are not in a fog. She is. "Or else" means .. "I refuse to live in an open marriage and if you do not end all contact with OM, I will take any/all appropriate actions including up to and filing for divorce."

Yes, that sounds harsh, but it's GOLDEN because it tells her you wont' put up with her BS. Do this ONLY after you get all evidence of the affair to where it's confirmed 100% via evidence.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The fact that you called her out on it and she continues to deny it means she is going to start hiding the affair even BETTER now. Start doing some detective work but do not reveal your sources to her.


:iagree:

DO NOT show your hand. I screw that up at every step. Every time you find something and reveal that you know, they take it a notch or two deeper "underground". Let it ride as you gather the evidence, if you can. I've not been able to. I think with each new piece of evidence, it is THE thing that will end this affair. The more she knows that you know, the harder she will try to hide things.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Expose the sh*t out of this affair! Go hire a PI and get the hard proof that you can show the world that your wife is doing wrong to both you and your kid.

The convo you heard is not enought to fight this thing. It only reassures you that you are not wasting your money. Once you have hard proof you then make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconveniant as possible. Remember it will take a heavy blow like exposing this affair in order to get your wife to stop contacting the OM.

As far as your emotion go I wish I had found some way to make my pain go away but I haven't so I have nothing to pass on , sorry.

I can tell you that spending more time with my kids and working on my self got me through. Once my W was out of the fog it made a big difference. So I suggest you do what you need to do to end this affair so go to Affaircare they have a plan.

So I suggest you expose this affair and fight for your family. I think you need to to push her away and give her a taste of things to come if she doesn't not stop this affair. Even if you deside to not let your wife back and you move on wtih out her the OMW needs to now. It is only right.

Keep posting and get to a counseler you need to talk, start a journal and write your thought down it will give you some relief.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow! You guys are great. What I do without you all. I can not get the phone records because we both have company phones. So that is out of the question, we already have been talking about a divorce because I got tired of being in the fog. She did not want to seek any therapy with or without me. So that was a huge red flag! Yesterday she said she was going to file and I said it be my pleasure. She said she will bring home the documents for a resolution and I said fine. I told her that I had a lawyer ready to represent me. She got home and never showed or discussed anything for that matter. She used that as a way to swim around the real problem. I will file right away if she is bluffing. I will get her when she leasts expects it. I just got home from the gym and she had dinner done, figure she had not made dinner in months. I said no thanks I ate already. So she looked really puzzled and I went and played with my daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Expose the sh*t out of this affair!


:rofl: Made me almost spit my water out!


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sharky,

In the terms of this site, what we call the fog is the fantasy land that your wife is living in during an EA or PA. During this time, she will vilify you, making you seem evil and the full source of all that is wrong in the marriage. She will talk to the OM like you are the devil, and rewrite entire years of history in her mind about your marriage with respect to how utterly awful it was. Be prepared for words from her like "I dont think I ever loved you", "You were never there for me", or just right out "I've always hated you. DS's rewrite history to justify in their minds what they doing, so that it doesn't make them feel guilty.
Also be prepared for blame-shifting and gas-lighting. Comments like "You know, this wouldn't be a problem if you just respected my privacy", "...stop snooping...", "gave me space.." etc. My wife told me that she "faked" an affair to see if I trusted her or not. And when I saw all the sext messages on her phone and confronted her, she said...."..see! You don't trust me! I was right to set you up!" I mean, wtf! Where is the logic in that, even!
Another part of the fog is that your wife is "high" on PEA chemicals (love chemicals) in her brain from her affair (you know that infatuated feeling you got when you two first met and how wonderful it was...yes, those chemicals). PEA is like heroin in it's addictive properties, and DS's crave this sh&t. Because they crave it, like heroin, they will lie to you, sneak around, and make up all kinds of bullsh*t to your face in order to sidestep your questions so they can continue the affair and get more "fix" without you getting in the way. As an example, my wife even agreed to go to therapy with me to try to fix our marriage, but it was really only a diversion to take me away from snooping and questioning her more...while at the same time continuing with her affair. Your wife's on heroin, friend. Treat her like a junkie. But, like a junkie, you have to realize that this isn't your wife....really. It's a drug addict. You probably noticed she isn't even acting like your wife....because in her mind, she's not really.


Now, you say you are in a "fog". Yes, that's true, but it would be better described as the worst, gut-wrenching, nauseating, fear..laced with moments of both anger and pure panic and confusion. You most likely can't eat very well, concentrate, or down-right focus on much. Your mind is consumed with what ifs, what happeneds, why's, what the fk's, how do I fix this's, and all that other stuff in your panic mode. I'm not sure there is a term for this, but I just called it "feeling like utter sh&t". I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks due to this stress.

Now, your wife made dinner because she's guilty. And if you accepted the dinner and acted like everything was ok, this would have been a green light for her that she still has some security in the marital home while she gets more of her heroin. This is common. Did you get a BJ yet? Serious. There is a good 90% chance that, as a last resort to gain some acceptance from you and keep some of that marital security she needs, she will initiate an out of the blue BJ on you. (I can't rememeber where the fk I read this...but it actually did happen to me..so I guess I'm part of the 90%).

As such, keep up the 180. Keep your boundaries. It will take some time, but eventually, she will realize that this sh*ts for real! Then maybe she will start to feel remorse, which is what is needed for some reconciliation if you decide you want that route taken.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey S---time to step up the pressure---take all your marital assets and put them in a bank acct. with only your name on it---cut off any/all credit cards with her name on them---if she is driving her own car--tell her she needs to make the car payment---tell her you want half of the mortgage payment from her---tell her she pays half of all utilities, all home/car insurance, she pays half of anything to do with providing for your child----figure out what she needs to pay to cover her costs to pay marital expenses, and demand the money up front----
In other words let your wife see what life/reality will be like if she is forced to go out on her own

Let her know also she will work either more hours, or more than one job, and still have a child to tend to when she gets home---she ain't gonna have much time for her skenky lover---as i imagine she will be to pooped to do much more than sleep


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Sharky,
> 
> In the terms of this site, what we call the fog is the fantasy land that your wife is living in during an EA or PA. During this time, she will vilify you, making you seem evil and the full source of all that is wrong in the marriage. She will talk to the OM like you are the devil, and rewrite entire years of history in her mind about your marriage with respect to how utterly awful it was. Be prepared for words from her like "I dont think I ever loved you", "You were never there for me", or just right out "I've always hated you. DS's rewrite history to justify in their minds what they doing, so that it doesn't make them feel guilty.
> Also be prepared for blame-shifting and gas-lighting. Comments like "You know, this wouldn't be a problem if you just respected my privacy", "...stop snooping...", "gave me space.." etc. My wife told me that she "faked" an affair to see if I trusted her or not. And when I saw all the sext messages on her phone and confronted her, she said...."..see! You don't trust me! I was right to set you up!" I mean, wtf! Where is the logic in that, even!
> ...




Thank you for taking the time to write with so many details.

I am keeping my boundaries for sure. I did not accept the dinner because of that reason, also last night she came into our bedroom to sleep at three am. I felt her getting close to me and acting if she was asleep, she finally got real close to me and I moved further away. I will not allow her to sneak in just like that, BJ is out of the question and I will not have any sex with her knowing what I know now. She needs to face the music and realize the harm she has done. All my aco****s have been seized!


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Hey S---time to step up the pressure---take all your marital assets and put them in a bank acct. with only your name on it---cut off any/all credit cards with her name on them---if she is driving her own car--tell her she needs to make the car payment---tell her you want half of the mortgage payment from her---tell her she pays half of all utilities, all home/car insurance, she pays half of anything to do with providing for your child----figure out what she needs to pay to cover her costs to pay marital expenses, and demand the money up front----
> In other words let your wife see what life/reality will be like if she is forced to go out on her own
> 
> Let her know also she will work either more hours, or more than one job, and still have a child to tend to when she gets home---she ain't gonna have much time for her skenky lover---as i imagine she will be to pooped to do much more than sleep


Yes! I have done all of that already, I am preapring myself to live by myself already. Her fun is over, whether or not she admits it or not she knows I heard it and the sneaky , fun , exciting escapes she had are now in the open. No more I am going with my friend to the mall, or I am going to my friends house to help her with the computer. I could never trust her again and now she knows that!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get more proof.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Now, you say you are in a "fog". Yes, that's true, but it would be better described as the worst, gut-wrenching, nauseating, fear..laced with moments of both anger and pure panic and confusion. You most likely can't eat very well, concentrate, or down-right focus on much. Your mind is consumed with what ifs, what happeneds, why's, what the fk's, how do I fix this's, and all that other stuff in your panic mode. I'm not sure there is a term for this, but I just called it "feeling like utter sh&t". I lost 25 lbs in 4 weeks due to this stress.


:iagree: This entire post is spot on. It is a very rough ride. I also lost 25 lbs in about 6 or 7 weeks. Your description of the feelings is excellent. Some say the pain is comparable to losing a child. I could not imagine that. I would say the pain is second only to losing a child.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Get more proof.


Jellybeans,

I hear you, however, I do not need more proof. The proof I have is stored in my brain and in my heart. She is aware of the damage she has done and has to realize that I am not here to play games.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> :iagree: This entire post is spot on. It is a very rough ride. I also lost 25 lbs in about 6 or 7 weeks. Your description of the feelings is excellent. Some say the pain is comparable to losing a child. I could not imagine that. I would say the pain is second only to losing a child.


The pain is terrible! However, god put me there to witness the conversation. If it wasnt for that, I will still be walking on eggshells. I am ready to move on and find my happiness without her. I myself have lost some weight even though I am fitness freak it has affected my body in many ways.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sharky,

Were you a Nice Guy? Is that how all this started? What i mean, is that do you sort of know what maybe you couls have done a bit better in this relationship? Were things missong? Did you portray too many beta qualities, like passive aggressiveness? Did you just let her overstep your boundaries one too many times that respect for you was eventually deteriorated in her mind? The reason im asking is that, while you cant change her, you can change YOU. Use this as a time for self discovery, character building, and Manning Up in your life to become the best you can be. Sometimes, this is needed on a personal level so the same incidents dont replay themselves in the furure...either in this relationship or the next one. 

Your definitely sjowing your N.U.T.S. Now - thats for sure! Stick to your boundaries. Have you read " hold onto your nuts", yet? It explains the difference between a true boundary, and just a condition....keeps you from going overboard too much in one direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I need spell checker....lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Sharky,
> 
> Were you a Nice Guy? Is that how all this started? What i mean, is that do you sort of know what maybe you couls have done a bit better in this relationship? Were things missong? Did you portray too many beta qualities, like passive aggressiveness? Did you just let her overstep your boundaries one too many times that respect for you was eventually deteriorated in her mind? The reason im asking is that, while you cant change her, you can change YOU. Use this as a time for self discovery, character building, and Manning Up in your life to become the best you can be. Sometimes, this is needed on a personal level so the same incidents dont replay themselves in the furure...either in this relationship or the next one.
> 
> ...


I am a nice guy and have been assertive for the sake of my daughter. However, I have been very firm with her and very strict about her roll play in our home. I have told her that either shape up or get out and move on. Now, I have to be very careful because she has no leg to stand on. The last thing I need is an outburst so she can call the cops on me and file false allegations. I know she will loose it soon and I will file a restraining order against her through the courts. I have legal councel already and she is not aware of that. I will not step out of my boundary, last night was freaky when she snuck into bed and got close to me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do you think she'd go as far as to get a PPO against you?? Has she done something like that in the past?

If you have an attorney I would NOT tell her and I would discuss what your options are. Get tested for STDs. If you find out who OM is, tell his WIFE soon! 

At this point treat your wife like you do a colleague at work -- cordial, unemotional and all business. No outbursts!


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Why do you think she'd go as far as to get a PPO against you?? Has she done something like that in the past?
> 
> If you have an attorney I would NOT tell her and I would discuss what your options are. Get tested for STDs. If you find out who OM is, tell his WIFE soon!
> 
> At this point treat your wife like you do a colleague at work -- cordial, unemotional and all business. No outbursts!



Jellybeans, she has never done anything in the past against me. However, I have been told that when one gets caught in something like this they can come up with anything to gain control. I will be cordial with no outburst for sure....Jellybeans she tried last night to get a reaction from me in bed, if this continues what do I tell her out of respect to back off.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

SHARKY said:


> Jellybeans, she has never done anything in the past against me. However, I have been told that when one gets caught in something like this they can come up with anything to gain control. I will be cordial with no outburst for sure....Jellybeans she tried last night to get a reaction from me in bed, if this continues what do I tell her out of respect to back off.


You tell her to sleep in the spare room, or the couch. You will both take turns sleeping in the marriage bed, alone.

For that is exactly what that bed is. Your marriage bed. The symbol of both of you together at the end of each day...loving each other..wrapped in each others arms in comfort and security. You allowing her to sleep with you in the bed while shes having an affair is giving the message..."honey, im a doormat. I knw your having an affair, but come over here and share OUR bed while you are doing it, so you can enjoy some of the marital security of this haven we made in the bedroom. You keep dishing out the disrespect, hon, and you can be sure i will always be here to take your sh$t, like a little puppy."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> You tell her to sleep in the spare room, or the couch. You will both take turns sleeping in the marriage bed, alone.
> 
> For that is exactly what that bed is. Your marriage bed. The symbol of both of you together at the end of each day...loving each other..wrapped in each others arms in comfort and security. You allowing her to sleep with you in the bed while shes having an affair is giving the message..."honey, im a doormat. I knw your having an affair, but come over here and share OUR bed while you are doing it, so you can enjoy some of the marital security of this haven we made in the bedroom. You keep dishing out the disrespect, hon, and you can be sure i will always be here to take your sh$t, like a little puppy."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She had been sleeping in the open bedroom until she snuck in last night. I dont even want to talk to her, however, I will because she can`t try pull of this stunt and get away with it. Her guilt came in real quick, the fun of the affair is over. Now reality sunk in her safe haven will be lost, our daughters happiness, and not to mention the entire family that she has to face for the rest of her life.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You may want to get a voice-activated recorder and keep it in your pocket; any time she gets out of control and starts BSing you, turn it on and record what she says in case she tries to pin something on you.

One thing I haven't seen you do is point blank tell her to stop the affair. Have you? If not, do so today. Flat out "I want you to end your affair." And wait for her answer; if she refuses to answer, say it again, until you DO get an answer. 

IF that answer turns out to be 'No, I will NOT stop seeing him,' then your next step needs to be contacting her important people and telling them that she is cheating on you; tell them that you would like their help saving your marriage (assuming you want to save it - at least for the sake of your daughter). Ask them to talk to her and let her know they will not support her affair partner.

Then step back and see if they take any action. They may not. But one thing you'll have done is tell them the TRUTH before she starts spinning HER version - that you're evil, abusive, you ignore her, she couldn't take it any more and OM is a kind caring friend who's just helping her deal with such an awful husband.


----------



## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

turnera said:


> You may want to get a voice-activated recorder and keep it in your pocket; any time she gets out of control and starts BSing you, turn it on and record what she says in case she tries to pin something on you.
> 
> One thing I haven't seen you do is point blank tell her to stop the affair. Have you? If not, do so today. Flat out "I want you to end your affair." And wait for her answer; if she refuses to answer, say it again, until you DO get an answer.
> 
> ...


Great point Tunera, will do!


----------

