# Ever feel like this site isn't for you?



## Anastasia6

Those of us in true long term happy relationships. Especially 1st time marriages?
I don't think this is a rare thing but maybe it is. I've seen some of the long term people here who talk about a 'rough' patch where all kinds of bad happened. But is it truly rare to just be happy with one person for the whole 27 years or what have you?

I have lots of things in my life that are wrong or bad or not up to societal norms.

But I truly have the best marriage I've ever seen in my life. We accept each other. We don't argue. We have sex. We are each others best friends. We are happy. I've never been yelled at. We don't sleep apart because of arguements cause we don't have them. We want the other person to be happy and we are willing to do our part so try to make that happen.
Neither is in control of the other but we love each other enough that we consider that other person in our decision making, not just the big decisions but the small ones too.

I feel that sometimes dispersions are cast my way (not often) because of this 'perfect' marriage. Either people not believing me or thinking it's a one in a million thing and others can't have it. Or that any advise I might have is useless because I've never been married to.... That part actually has merit. I have never been married to someone who was emotionally abusive. I was in a LTR with one I was supposed to marry but was smart enough not to marry him and leave.

The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other. 

I don't know just a rambling thought.


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## Evinrude58

Everyone can’t have a good marriage because the majority of the population have major mental problems that will prevent maintaining a relationship with ANYONE long term.
And it only takes one person to have these problems and the relationship tanks.

Most people aren’t all that great to be with and most don’t act in a reasonable way. Treasure your own guy, but realize that yours is the exception, not the rule. We all wish it were.


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## Anastasia6

Evinrude58 said:


> Everyone can’t have a good marriage because the majority of the population have major mental problems that will prevent maintaining a relationship with ANYONE long term.
> And it only takes one person to have these problems and the relationship tanks.
> 
> Most people aren’t all that great to be with and most don’t act in a reasonable way. Treasure your own guy, but realize that yours is the exception, not the rule. We all wish it were.


Here's the thing neither him now me are missing problems especially when we got married.

I truly believe that what you are looking for or should be looking for is the person who's faults are acceptable and whose core you agree with so that you can accept them for their faults they for yours and that actually helps build a healthy person / relationship.


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## ccpowerslave

I think one big component is probably search engines and google. When you have an issue and you’re searching for solutions you will bump into this site.

Probably less likely if you’re looking for “fun date ideas with my husband/wife” or content like that. There is content like that here but it’s definitely a small part of it.

I never encountered this site despite a lot of research until I bumped into a post on “Desire Maps” as it had shown up in a search for them.

So if the bulk of people making their way here have issues then that is what you will find.


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## Anastasia6

ccpowerslave said:


> I think one big component is probably search engines and google. When you have an issue and you’re searching for solutions you will bump into this site.
> 
> Probably less likely if you’re looking for “fun date ideas with my husband/wife” or content like that.
> 
> I never encountered this site despite a lot of research until I bumped into a post on “Desire Maps” as it had shown up in a search for them.
> 
> So if the bulk of people making their way here have issues then that is what you will find.


yes and I bumped into it trying to figure out if anyone had used and like a sex swing. I think that's the one. It was basically trying to figure out as you age and have physical limitations what solutions have people had for lots of sex.

But does that mean that those of us who are happy don't have good advice to offer?

I mean you went through a sexual imbalance and willingness to divorce. 

I have weathered many storms but it's always been me and my husband against the rest of the world. The closest we had to an arguement was when buying our first house his credit gave us some trouble and I set a meeting at the bank. He said oh I don't know if I can make it cause of work (he worked a lot at a software development company). I said well hell hath no fury like a woman without a house. He made it. We got the loan. But I didn't yell at him and if he hadn't made it I would have been disappointed but I would have accepted it.


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## ccpowerslave

Anastasia6 said:


> But does that mean that those of us who are happy don't have good advice to offer?


Of course not. If nothing else you have a pattern that worked for you and that by itself may help others.

Every marriage has conflicts, how do they stay as a small thing like they have for you and not blow up into a big deal? Obviously it depends on the people but I think there are probably common threads in how successful couples navigate these challenges.

I think the folks who have suffered infidelity do have a unique insight that I only have a cursory understanding about. Time and again there will be a thread about something like a toilet seat left up and inevitably it turns into a terrible case as the thread progresses. Many who have walked or who are walking the path see these things immediately. I don’t. To me it looks like a toilet seat. I’m lucky I don’t see it the other way.


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## Diana7

I am fortunate to know quite a few couples in very happy marriages of many years. You are not too rare!
Some are each others one and only who met in their teens. Most now in their 6O's and still happy. I love to see marriages like that. 


Although I am in my second marriage we are very happy. One poster the other day said, 'you have a good marriage, or so you say,' as if I was making it up which I thought was a very odd thing to say. Why would I make it up?


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## sokillme

So I think it depends what you mean by happy marriage.

First off I don't think happy is the default human condition. I think you have times in your life when you are happy and times, not so much. I think if you are are striving to always be happy you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I would use the word good marriage. In good marriages sometimes you are not happy, hopefully it's short lived. You work on it and fix it, and both people operate out of good faith. Good faith in my mind means putting the marriage first, love and respect. I think if any of that changes by any party you are in a bad marriage.

That is the trick, I don't believe a lot of people today operate or even understand what "good faith" is as I describe it. What is required hasn't been what our western culture has preached for decades. Me first, do what makes you feel good, get yours doesn't work in a marriage if you are thinking me and not us.

That is why it doesn't seem to be an easy thing to succeed at. And frankly It think when a lot of people are succeeding but might not be happy because they are thinking me first. If they are not happy they think something is wrong because as far as they have been told the goal is to always be happy.

I think contentment, in your life, and your marriage is what you should strive for, but you can be very content and not be happy for a period of time. You just have to work stuff to help you to be happy and that may take some time, or your situation changing. Contentment is a feeling that comes from within and really has to do with your actions, not anyone else's.


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## Diana7

sokillme said:


> So I think it depends what you mean by happy marriage.
> 
> First off I don't think happy is the default human condition. I think you have times in your life when you are happy and times, not so much. I think you are are striving to always be happy you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
> 
> I would use the word good marriage. In good marriages sometimes you are not happy, hopefully it's short lived. You work on it and fix it, and both people operate out of good faith. Good faith in my mind means putting the marriage first, love and respect. I think if any of that changes by any party you are in a bad marriage.
> 
> That is the trick, I don't believe a lot of people today operate or even understand what "good faith" is as I describe it. What is required hasn't been what our western culture has preached for decades. Me first, do what makes you feel good, get yours doesn't work in a marriage if you are thinking me and not us.
> 
> That is why it doesn't seem to be an easy thing to succeed at. And frankly It think when a lot of people are succeeding if they are still thinking me first, they might not be happy. If they are not happy they think something is wrong because as far as they know they are always supposed to be happy.
> 
> I think contentment, in your life, and your marriage is what you should strive for, but you can be very content and not be happy for a period of time. You just have to work stuff to help you to be happy and that may take some time, or your situation changing. Contentment is a feeling that comes from within and really has to do with your actions, not anyone else's.


By happy I mean in love, strong, committed, faithful, respectful, in tune with each other, walking the same path etc etc


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## Blondilocks

Your marriage is an example that is good for people to see and aspire to.

Remember, those casting aspersions need to make it sound like a fairy tale in order to feel better about themselves and their situations. They need you to be the odd man out because they certainly don't want to be.

It's good that this site has some functional marriages for reference. In most cases on this site, misery loves company.


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## Chaotic

I enjoy reading advice from people in long, happy marriages, so I'm glad you folks are here. I hope to be one of you someday.


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## Anastasia6

ElenaArabey said:


> It seems to me that all problems can be solved simply by finding out the truth Self-help Program heals Stress, Burnout, Anxiety or Depression in 15 minutes a day


Well Self awareness certainly can help. But I don't think it's going to solve drunkedness or abuse and other stuff. But many relationships simply suffer from self centeredness and also not clearly communicating what you desire. Don't hint do wish.


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## Luckylucky

It’s a pleasure to hear of a happy marriage, I do believe you! I think it’s especially important for people going through difficulties to hear your story and advice. During difficult times in my life, I didn’t like bonding with people who had similar problems (that stuff was told to a paid professional 😁) and I made sure I sought out people with stories like yours, because it made me feel good things were possible! So I believe you have a lot to offer.


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## Anastasia6

mike93081 said:


> I know I have an excellent marriage. This site has taught me that I really really have an excellent marriage. This site is fun to participate in, but it's comical as well in many areas. It feels like it's filled with a lot of bitter divorced women who feel like nothing is their fault 🤣🤣. Some of the advice is like they are trying to break up someone else's marriage because theirs failed.


With all due respect. You have made your comical view well known. These are people's lives. Nothing comical about it.


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## Diana7

mike93081 said:


> I know I have an excellent marriage. This site has taught me that I really really have an excellent marriage. This site is fun to participate in, but it's comical as well in many areas. It feels like it's filled with a lot of bitter divorced women who feel like nothing is their fault 🤣🤣. Some of the advice is like they are trying to break up someone else's marriage because theirs failed.


I actually see far more bitter divorced men like that here than women.


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## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> Your marriage is an example that is good for people to see and aspire to.
> 
> Remember, those casting aspersions need to make it sound like a fairy tale in order to feel better about themselves and their situations. They need you to be the odd man out because they certainly don't want to be.
> 
> It's good that this site has some functional marriages for reference. In most cases on this site, misery loves company.


I agree that it’s good to read and share about functional and healthy relationships.

Ya know though, particularly recently, I have really wondered about being here. Typically I enjoy reading a range of views but there have been some that I’ve found, well, kinda disgusting. Other posts have just about provided the balance though, usually in the social section. What I’m trying to say is that for me, it’s not just about someone’s relationship status, whether strong, hitting some speed bumps, single, etc …but moreso the attitudes represented. If there weren’t certain individuals providing a balanced view to some others (and doesn’t mean it has to align with my own), then I wouldn’t stick around. Although I have really been questioning why I’m here, especially of late.


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## ccpowerslave

heartsbeating said:


> Although I have really been questioning why I’m here, especially of late.


Nooo! You have to help me pick a plate!


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## ElOtro

Anastasia6 said:


> The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other.


Of course this is totally true within the scope of your definition of a hapy marriage.
There may be other ones, includding mine.
I trully celebrate the happiness that you both have in your terms.
Please, don´t ever wish the same for me. 
As I find it not enough, so much that I would rather be lifetime single than calling it happines.

Best wishes.


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## Anastasia6

ElOtro said:


> Of course this is totally true within the scope of your definition of a hapy marriage.
> There may be other ones, includding mine.
> I trully celebrate the happiness that you both have in your terms.
> Please, don´t ever wish the same for me.
> As I find it not enough, so much that I would rather be lifetime single than calling it happines.
> 
> Best wishes.


LOL it isn't the only thing we share. But having true acceptance of who you are. Not having to hide any flaws that is a gift. But we have shared interests, passion, desire to please each other and a sense of humor that's in sync.


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## CatholicDad

Never argue... how many kids do you have?

my wife and I would have gotten along fabulously but kids rocked our world 😆


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## Anastasia6

CatholicDad said:


> Never argue... how many kids do you have?
> 
> my wife and I would have gotten along fabulously but kids rocked our world 😆


We have one. We made the concious decision to make sure we didn't let our child split us. In the end our child will leave and we hope to still be together.


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## LATERILUS79

I would say you got supremely lucky that you ran into someone that shared every last one of your thought processes to the point that you don't argue about anything and that everything has always worked out. I have no reason to believe that isn't possible. I think it is, but I also think people are complex and have some many little differences that it is impossible to know if you are going to match up perfectly with someone. Sometimes, you just get lucky. I'm pretty sure I know some couples that are in your situation. Sometimes it just happens. At the end of the day, someone has the winning lottery ticket in their hand. 
I've been with my wife for 20 years and married for 14. Plenty of ups and downs, but I stayed for the ups and I would assume she would say the same. Not a lot of arguing, but other pretty big problems that were unknown to the other. Doesn't change the fact that I want to work and continually improve my marriage. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I love my wife and want to be with her. I'd say there is a 99% chance of that happening the rest of my life. I find it interesting that I love my wife more than what I did when we first were married. Took a lot of work to get to this point. Had some serious downs, but that is life, and life isn't fair. I think everyone should go into marriage knowing that every day is not going to be unicorns and rainbows. You push through, move on and try to improve upon the marriage.


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## CharlieParker

heartsbeating said:


> Although I have really been questioning why I’m here, especially of late.


Little bowls?

Stay on Social. "The good ones all float to the bottom" - TAM elders


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## Anastasia6

LATERILUS79 said:


> I would say you got supremely lucky that you ran into someone that shared every last one of your thought processes to the point that you don't argue about anything and that everything has always worked out. I have no reason to believe that isn't possible. I think it is, but I also think people are complex and have some many little differences that it is impossible to know if you are going to match up perfectly with someone. Sometimes, you just get lucky. I'm pretty sure I know some couples that are in your situation. Sometimes it just happens. At the end of the day, someone has the winning lottery ticket in their hand.
> I've been with my wife for 20 years and married for 14. Plenty of ups and downs, but I stayed for the ups and I would assume she would say the same. Not a lot of arguing, but other pretty big problems that were unknown to the other. *Doesn't change the fact that I want to work and continually improve my marriage*. I can't imagine being with anyone else. *I love my wife and want to be with her*. I'd say there is a 99% chance of that happening the rest of my life. I find it interesting that I love my wife more than what I did when we first were married. Took a lot of work to get to this point. Had some serious downs, but that is life, and life isn't fair. I think everyone should go into marriage knowing that every day is not going to be unicorns and rainbows. You push through, move on and try to improve upon the marriage.


And I think those are the most important sentences. I can't say we agree on every single thing. 

But we don't argue we respect each other. I think we both take the long view on a lot of things. So where to go on vacation? Maybe we have different ideas. I think both of us more than anything want to be where the other person is so we are both apt to say let's go to your destination. Because in the end what does it matter? Why argue?

The closest we got to an arguement was when my daughter became of age to leave the house. Except she didn't leave, she didn't work and she ended up taking a break from school. I wanted to put her in an apartment with a few months rent and let her figure out food. He wasn't so keen on that. He didn't like my sink or swim. I caved as his was the less extreme view but I really felt she need to get out into the world. We didn't argue we did disagree. We didn't turn on each other. And dispite the fact I now have a 23 year old sitting in the room next to me still.... I am not resentful. I don't blame him that she's still there. We have worked together to encourage her to grow. She is in school now and her last report card landed her on the deans list. So baby steps but we take them together. 

I do thank god daily for my husband. But I dont' consider it lucky. It's a combination of recognizing the things you consider to be core values and making sure those things match and then asking yourself, is this decision putting love in the bank or taking it out? I never think of winning an arguement or losing. Because we aren't on opposite sides.

I agree I work to improve my marriage regularly. I ask myself can I do better? Should we do ....? If you keep your love and marriage in the forefront of your thoughts it makes being a good partner easier.


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## In Absentia

I don't feel this site is for me for the opposite reason.


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## CountryMike

heartsbeating said:


> I agree that it’s good to read and share about functional and healthy relationships.
> 
> Ya know though, particularly recently, I have really wondered about being here. Typically I enjoy reading a range of views but there have been some that I’ve found, well, kinda disgusting. Other posts have just about provided the balance though, usually in the social section. What I’m trying to say is that for me, it’s not just about someone’s relationship status, whether strong, hitting some speed bumps, single, etc …but moreso the attitudes represented. If there weren’t certain individuals providing a balanced view to some others (and doesn’t mean it has to align with my own), then I wouldn’t stick around. Although I have really been questioning why I’m here, especially of late.


Yeah, same here. I stumbled across this site googling variety in marriage sex, as I'm always thinking about the W and mine next sexual encounter and how I can pleasantly surprise her, engage her, and stretch the next levels of our sexual relationship.

We have great sex very frequently, and over a very long M. No great issues.

I've stayed to read about marriage problems, solutions, and commonalities, just as self education although all here needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

I've found there are times I can offer first hand advice, if helpful to some. And I'm amazed at how far off a good path so many seem to find themselves and I learn a bit.

But time for me here may be on the wane. There are some obvious unreal posters, and those that want to just work the words sex, big busts, hot butts, and bikinis in their threads that are obvious folks getting their kicks where they can, even if falsely in this forum.

I've read some banned posters threads and see some erratically acting mods, and that chokes many responses that should be made.

So my time here is likely to drop off.

Some good long time folks here too, those I've appreciated and enjoy their comments.


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## Gabriel

As a long time user of this site, I can offer my perspective. I came on here when looking in a panic about how I should handle discovering my wife's love for her long time platonic guy friend. I got a ton of responses and got hooked on the interaction.

After about 2-3 years, my need for the site faded, but I felt like giving back, because it was very helpful, and well, I have a little bit of an internet addiction.

Then I took a few years mostly off, where I would just very rarely come back. 

I think at that point, I came back and perused and there were two stories that hooked me in so deep that I've been back ever since. That was Bobert and 20yr. These were very long sagas where I got very involved and sucked back into this site - where now I'm on here pretty much every weekday several times a day (but rarely at all on weekends/holidays).

Probably should take another break.


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## CountryMike

Yeah, in all honesty its posters like @In Absentia that appear to passive aggressively ask questions just to turn the boil up, that are a turn off.


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## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> I don't feel this site is for me for the opposite reason.


You remind me of the saying 'endeavor to persevere'. Yeah, the Indians didn't understand it either [ref: The Outlaw Josey Wales].


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## CountryMike

@Personal , @Torninhalf , @farsidejunky , @LisaDiane , @Blondilocks are just a few posters I like.


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## Rus47

Anastasia6 said:


> Those of us in true long term happy relationships. Especially 1st time marriages?
> I don't think this is a rare thing but maybe it is. I've seen some of the long term people here who talk about a 'rough' patch where all kinds of bad happened. But is it truly rare to just be happy with one person for the whole 27 years or what have you?
> 
> I have lots of things in my life that are wrong or bad or not up to societal norms.
> 
> But I truly have the best marriage I've ever seen in my life. We accept each other. We don't argue. We have sex. We are each others best friends. We are happy. I've never been yelled at. We don't sleep apart because of arguements cause we don't have them. We want the other person to be happy and we are willing to do our part so try to make that happen.
> Neither is in control of the other but we love each other enough that we consider that other person in our decision making, not just the big decisions but the small ones too.
> 
> I feel that sometimes dispersions are cast my way (not often) because of this 'perfect' marriage. Either people not believing me or thinking it's a one in a million thing and others can't have it. Or that any advise I might have is useless because I've never been married to.... That part actually has merit. I have never been married to someone who was emotionally abusive. I was in a LTR with one I was supposed to marry but was smart enough not to marry him and leave.
> 
> The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other.
> 
> I don't know just a rambling thought.


We have been blessed to be happily married for more than five decades and I came to TAM originally for help dealing with low T. Got interested in all of the drama posted on the site. Most of our friends are our age or older and dont know many with evident issues. Of course who really knows? I would think TAM attracts the desperate people and most married people would likely not come here until they ran out of options.


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## ElOtro

Anastasia6 said:


> LOL it isn't the only thing we share. But having true acceptance of who you are. Not having to hide any flaws that is a gift. But we have shared interests, passion, desire to please each other and a sense of humor that's in sync.


Applauses! I´m happy to read happy people.

Of course, we have own frames for what we find desirable.
I just reacted to your assertions saying that "everyone could have a happy marriage" and "I think arranged marriages could work". Both valid for your standards (which is gooooooood!) and not at all for mine.
Just as an example, some words (like "acceptance") from a certain worldview and jargon give me some kind of alergic rush 😊 
Anyhow, I find them useful for all the ones that find them useful.


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## CatholicDad

Anastasia6 said:


> We have one. We made the concious decision to make sure we didn't let our child split us. In the end our child will leave and we hope to still be together.


You’d probably have argued more if you’d had more kids. Kids can really ratchet up the marital stress- especially as they age and their troubles become more complex. You never wanted more children or perhaps couldn’t?


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## Anastasia6

CatholicDad said:


> You’d probably have argued more if you’d had more kids. Kids can really ratchet up the marital stress- especially as they age and their troubles become more complex. You never wanted more children or perhaps couldn’t?


One was enough. More than that and you are contributing to the population issues the world has.
Now much later sometimes I wish we would have had a 2nd.


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> You remind me of the saying 'endeavor to persevere'. Yeah, the Indians didn't understand it either [ref: The Outlaw Josey Wales].


lol... it's not the case, anymore. What I meant is the most long-standing members here seem to have very successful relationships and are not shy to remind you of that, very often...


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## In Absentia

CountryMike said:


> Yeah, in all honesty its posters like @In Absentia that appear to passive aggressively ask questions just to turn the boil up, that are a turn off.


Your answer is in "appear"... but if you think I'm passive-aggressive, fair enough, sometimes I am. If I annoy you, just put me on "ignore". I won't do that with you, although you are not passive-aggressive, just aggressive...


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## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> Your marriage is an example that is good for people to see and aspire to.
> 
> Remember, those casting aspersions need to make it sound like a fairy tale in order to feel better about themselves and their situations. They need you to be the odd man out because they certainly don't want to be.
> 
> It's good that this site has some functional marriages for reference. In most cases on this site, misery loves company.


I like hearing those stories. Deep down, I believe in marriage provided 2 people that are right for each other find each other and don't go straying for strange, etc.

But at the same time, while I would prefer to be in a loving, committed, faithful marriage, I'll never be married again. Ever.


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## TXTrini

Anastasia6 said:


> Those of us in true long term happy relationships. Especially 1st time marriages?
> I don't think this is a rare thing but maybe it is. I've seen some of the long term people here who talk about a 'rough' patch where all kinds of bad happened. But is it truly rare to just be happy with one person for the whole 27 years or what have you?
> 
> I have lots of things in my life that are wrong or bad or not up to societal norms.
> 
> But I truly have the best marriage I've ever seen in my life. We accept each other. We don't argue. We have sex. We are each others best friends. We are happy. I've never been yelled at. We don't sleep apart because of arguements cause we don't have them. We want the other person to be happy and we are willing to do our part so try to make that happen.
> Neither is in control of the other but we love each other enough that we consider that other person in our decision making, not just the big decisions but the small ones too.
> 
> I feel that sometimes dispersions are cast my way (not often) because of this 'perfect' marriage. Either people not believing me or thinking it's a one in a million thing and others can't have it. Or that any advise I might have is useless because I've never been married to.... That part actually has merit. I have never been married to someone who was emotionally abusive. I was in a LTR with one I was supposed to marry but was smart enough not to marry him and leave.
> 
> The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other.
> 
> I don't know just a rambling thought.


My experience tells me it is rare for the modern age, but I am happy to see positive examples. I never believed marriage would be a bed of roses, I truly believed in for better or worse. I stood by exH through sickness, death, job loss, I tried to live my vows, but he couldn't keep "forsake all others".

I don't think everyone can have a happy marriage, I think your experience makes you think so. You hit the nail with "if both spouses were honest with themselves and willing to accept the other". I learned the hard way some people are such good liars because they can't be honest with themselves.

Anyway, I have been thinking this site is becoming less relevant for me, personally with time because like @CountryMike said, I am seeing people who really need help or I love to read posts from being banned, while those who provide excitement and scandal for the thirsty masses encouraged. It's like a slow corruption that in itself makes a mockery of marriage, even for someone like myself. It's hard to remain positive about marriage seeing that decline, maybe I simply need a break.


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## Anastasia6

TXTrini said:


> My experience tells me it is rare for the modern age, but I am happy to see positive examples. I never believed marriage would be a bed of roses, I truly believed in for better or worse. I stood by exH through sickness, death, job loss, I tried to live my vows, but he couldn't keep "forsake all others".
> 
> I don't think everyone can have a happy marriage, I think your experience makes you think so. You hit the nail with "if both spouses were honest with themselves and willing to accept the other". I learned the hard way some people are such good liars because they can't be honest with themselves.
> 
> Anyway, I have been thinking this site is becoming less relevant for me, personally with time because like @CountryMike said, I am seeing people who really need help or I love to read posts from being banned, while those who provide excitement and scandal for the thirsty masses encouraged. It's like a slow corruption that in itself makes a mockery of marriage, even for someone like myself. It's hard to remain positive about marriage seeing that decline, maybe I simply need a break.


Yes when I said pick someone whose values align. That would include not cheating. I know that part can be hard and many are deceptive. I also know some of my friends ignored huge red flags because they just knew they could change said partner. Of course that rarely happens.

I do agree breaks from here is wise.


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## manwithnoname

Anastasia6 said:


> yes and I bumped into it trying to figure out *if anyone had used and like a sex swing*. I think that's the one. It was basically trying to figure out as you age and have physical limitations what solutions have people had for lots of sex.


I used a sex swing for a few hours once. Didn't like the awkwardness caused by the little kids in the sandbox and on the teeter totter, and all their parents watching.


----------



## Enigma32

If anything, given you are actually in a happy marriage, this site is more for you than it is many others. We can't have a site full of bitter, lifelong single people and have them as the only ones giving advice to married folks.


----------



## Blondilocks

Enigma32 said:


> If anything, given you are actually in a happy marriage, this site is more for you than it is many others. *We can't have a site full of bitter, lifelong single people and have them as the only ones giving advice to married folks.*


It would also be helpful if those people refrained from advising others to not marry because they do not know whereof they speak.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> It would also be helpful if those people refrained from advising others to not marry because they do not know whereof they speak.


I never seen anybody advising that? Surely, "I would never marry again", but not "don't get married"...


----------



## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> It would also be helpful if those people refrained from advising others to not marry because they do not know whereof they speak.


Absolutely. One reason why I hang around here is to promote marriage and also to show others that there is life after divorce and that there are many good and strong second marriages. Plus that forgiveness is a far better way that anger, bitterness and resentment.


----------



## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> I never seen anybody advising that? Surely, "I would never marry again", but not "don't get married"...


You haven't seen the thread on MGTOW? Some are on a mission to save the poor bastards who might fall into the well-laid trap of gold diggers.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> You haven't seen the thread on MGTOW? Some are on a mission to save the poor bastards who might fall into the well-laid trap of gold diggers.


Uuhhhhh no, I haven't... because I thought it might be full of misogyny and stuff like that... _dashes to read_ 

EDIT: I stopped at this:

_I can only speak for myself in which I don't hate women at all, but I'd compare them to a Leopard. They are pretty, really nice fur, can be sweet, but when those claws come out, you better have an exit strategy!!! It's not just her, it's her, the government, and society that tends to default blame towards the man.

 _


----------



## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> You haven't seen the thread on MGTOW? Some are on a mission to save the poor bastards who might fall into the well-laid trap of gold diggers.


I remember one member even telling his sons to never get married. I thought that was appalling and I hope they do despite their bitter father.


----------



## Quad73

I'm a mutt here; 20+yr marriage is going pretty well, but I had a string of bad relationships before marriage. Some of them terrible, traumatic and life changing. 

I'm here to learn about how things go sideways, and try to improve my own communication. The differing points of view are particularly educational.

Sometimes when someone comes here with (evidently) red flags from here to Timbuktu, I see nothing. That's always an enlightening and frightening read for me.

Sometimes when someone comes here with seemingly minor or hidden issues, I get a full panel of warning lights by the second sentence. I'm particularly good at sniffing out SOME issues.

So TAM has been educational and sometimes entertaining. I hope I can contribute some rational insights occasionally when my experiences in dating, ltrs and marriage tell me there's maybe something missing in the conversation.


----------



## Rus47

Gabriel said:


> As a long time user of this site, I can offer my perspective. I came on here when looking in a panic about how I should handle discovering my wife's love for her long time platonic guy friend. I got a ton of responses and got hooked on the interaction.
> 
> After about 2-3 years, my need for the site faded, but I felt like giving back, because it was very helpful, and well, I have a little bit of an internet addiction.
> 
> Then I took a few years mostly off, where I would just very rarely come back.
> 
> I think at that point, I came back and perused and there were two stories that hooked me in so deep that I've been back ever since. That was Bobert and 20yr. *These were very long sagas where I got very involved and sucked back into this site - where now I'm on here pretty much every weekday several times a day *(but rarely at all on weekends/holidays).
> 
> Probably should take another break.


Yes, the long and articulate threads certainly are a hook for me too. My original reason for joining TAM has been solved thanks partially to advice received here. And, having been married a long time to one woman and we still enjoy one another, believe can offer a useful perspective to others.


----------



## PieceOfSky

@Anastasia6,

Regarding the opening question, I’d say it depends on what you’re looking to get out of your time spent here, and where “here” you tend to hang out.

In case you’re wondering, those of us in relatively broken situations benefit, or can benefit, from having even a tiny bit of visibility into healthy successful relationships. My favorite movie title is “Leaving Normal”, because the double meaning of “Normal” there underscores how we can be trapped by the limits of our experience. Your normal is different than mine, but not so different from what I aspired to and thought reachable way back when. I value your presence, and that of several others here, for keeping possibilities from being completely buried and forgotten.

There are always going to be actors here that provide only noise. But, fwiw, signals get through to those who need it, and sometimes have a positive effect. It’s unfortunate such actors get in the way of anyone gleaning some value from being here.

I do feel like a stranger in a strange land here sometimes. I won’t burden this response with details, but it’s often the case I feel like posters are discussing different problems than what I have, even though on the surface there are similarities. Occasionally, there are those with situations or past experience very close to mine. It’s all useful.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Anastasia6 said:


> Those of us in true long term happy relationships. Especially 1st time marriages?
> I don't think this is a rare thing but maybe it is. I've seen some of the long term people here who talk about a 'rough' patch where all kinds of bad happened. But is it truly rare to just be happy with one person for the whole 27 years or what have you?
> 
> I have lots of things in my life that are wrong or bad or not up to societal norms.
> 
> But I truly have the best marriage I've ever seen in my life. We accept each other. We don't argue. We have sex. We are each others best friends. We are happy. I've never been yelled at. We don't sleep apart because of arguements cause we don't have them. We want the other person to be happy and we are willing to do our part so try to make that happen.
> Neither is in control of the other but we love each other enough that we consider that other person in our decision making, not just the big decisions but the small ones too.
> 
> I feel that sometimes dispersions are cast my way (not often) because of this 'perfect' marriage. Either people not believing me or thinking it's a one in a million thing and others can't have it. Or that any advise I might have is useless because I've never been married to.... That part actually has merit. I have never been married to someone who was emotionally abusive. I was in a LTR with one I was supposed to marry but was smart enough not to marry him and leave.
> 
> The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other.
> 
> I don't know just a rambling thought.


I often wish their were more happy marriage stories here, but sadly problems are what usually send people here. 

I can't remember exactly what brought me here. I think it was searching for date night ideas or ideas to spice up sex. I've been happily married since I was 18 to my first true love. She had just one LTR before me. We have been together 34 years and married over 31 years. We have certainly had our share of arguments, but in the grand scheme of things they were quite minor. And as you mentioned, we never sleep apart because of an argument. That was a rule we had before we were even married. Every disagreement had to be resolved to some degree before bedtime. We have been through so much together. We moved away from home as soon as we were married and had just us to make life work. I really grew up into a man with my wife. 

Don't feel bad for having a good marriage and your input is still quite valid even when it comes to marital issues. You have to know what good looks like too.


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> You haven't seen the thread on MGTOW? Some are on a mission to save the poor bastards who might fall into the well-laid trap of gold diggers.


I will only ever express my own personal preference to never get married again. I still believe 2 people right for each other can find each other and be perfectly happy.

But for me, its just not worth the risk anymore and I like being single.


----------



## CountryMike

In Absentia said:


> lol... it's not the case, anymore. What I meant is the most long-standing members here seem to have very successful relationships and are not shy to remind you of that, very often...


I would say, that those here that have happy successful long term Ms here are a critical part of the various members groups that contribute to the yes there is hope things can work out.

If you want to keep on harping on the perspective that good marriage members are only negative contributors then you have a skewed perspective of the various tools those with troubles can come and use in the forum.

Plus, if you continue to negatively stigmatize those members with happy marriages, said members are going to eventually say enough is enough and take their toys and leave the forum en mass.


----------



## Blondilocks

CountryMike said:


> I would say, that those here that have happy successful long term Ms here are a critical part of the various members groups that contribute to the yes there is hope things can work out.
> 
> If you want to keep on harping on the perspective that good marriage members are only negative contributors then you have a skewed perspective of the various tools those with troubles can come and use in the forum.
> 
> Plus, if you continue to negatively stigmatize those members with happy marriages, said members are going to eventually say enough is enough and take their toys and leave the forum en mass.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I believe @In Absentia is diplomatically referring to some members' practice of stating their opinion ten thousand (  ) times in the same thread.


----------



## Diana7

CountryMike said:


> I would say, that those here that have happy successful long term Ms here are a critical part of the various members groups that contribute to the yes there is hope things can work out.
> 
> If you want to keep on harping on the perspective that good marriage members are only negative contributors then you have a skewed perspective of the various tools those with troubles can come and use in the forum.
> 
> Plus, if you continue to negatively stigmatize those members with happy marriages, said members are going to eventually say enough is enough and take their toys and leave the forum en mass.


I think that for some here the fact that there actually are countless very good marriages in society doesn't fit with their narrative that all women in particular are evil money grabbing b*****s.


----------



## CountryMike

Blondilocks said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I believe @In Absentia is diplomatically referring to some members' practice of stating their opinion ten thousand (  ) times in the same thread.


I disagree. That's a limb too far. There is too much between the lines in this thread from too many posters that get the same vibe.

Just my opinion but there are signs this forum will solely be a cooking class with trial and error cooks - there will be no persons remaining that are good cooks to show some success stories of meals cooked well and tasty, and how those meals were prepared.

And that's being diplomatic. 

How many good folks have left, are taking (long) breaks?
Shoot, I'm not sure this post won't be deleted by a mod.


----------



## CountryMike

Interesting meme


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I believe @In Absentia is diplomatically referring to some members' practice of stating their opinion ten thousand (  ) times in the same thread.


Exactly that... and, yes, I'm always very diplomatic... 😀


----------



## Enigma32

Blondilocks said:


> It would also be helpful if those people refrained from advising others to not marry because they do not know whereof they speak.


I disagree. I think a well balanced approach with all different perspectives is best for everyone. Just because you do not like their message doesn't mean their perspective cannot be valuable to someone. My own marriage and subsequent divorce was RP/MGTOW 101. I wish I had known more about that stuff at the time because it would have spared me from a lot of headaches.


----------



## Blondilocks

CountryMike said:


> I disagree. That's a limb too far. There is too much between the lines in this thread from too many posters that get the same vibe.
> 
> Just my opinion but there are signs this forum will solely be a cooking class with trial and error cooks - there will be no persons remaining that are good cooks to show some success stories of meals cooked well and tasty, and how those meals were prepared.
> 
> And that's being diplomatic.
> 
> How many good folks have left, are taking (long) breaks?
> Shoot, I'm not sure this post won't be deleted by a mod.


You may be right about this forum turning into a cooking class (lol); but, it won't be because of @In Absentia . IMO, it will be because of the hateful, bitter posts of disenchanted guys who spout misogyny and declare they are just making it real. They don't want to be married - so why are they on a marriage forum? The answer is simple: to spew and foment hatred for the institution. Just a bunch of woodland creatures frolicking through the picnic grounds and crapping on everything.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> You may be right about this forum turning into a cooking class (lol); but, it won't be because of @In Absentia . IMO, it will be because of the hateful, bitter posts of disenchanted guys who spout misogyny and declare they are just making it real. They don't want to be married - so why are they on a marriage forum? The answer is simple: to spew and foment hatred for the institution. Just a bunch of woodland creatures frolicking through the picnic grounds and crapping on everything.


But posters in good marriages can be a PITA too, telling you you are doing it all wrong, pestering and berating you without actually knowing much about your situation. Look at me, look at me, I turned it all around. I'm perfect. Well, good for you! My opinion is that if you can turn a marriage around, it wasn't really in trouble in the first place. Of course, there are cases where the poster needed a kick in the butt, but the successful stories are very limited. People come here when their marriage is in deep ****.


----------



## ElOtro

Blondilocks said:


> IMO, it will be because of the hateful, bitter posts of disenchanted guys who spout misogyny and declare they are just making it real. They don't want to be married - so why are they on a marriage forum? The answer is simple: to spew and foment hatred for the institution. Just a bunch of woodland creatures frolicking through the picnic grounds and crapping on everything.


With all my respect for your right to have your own view about, some comments on your post.

"...bitter posts..." 
Some people had not so happy experiences, and being marriage such an important part of adult life, they have enough reasons to feel bitter. They are not all of us, but neither an extravagant few.

"...who spout misogyny..." 
I don´t see it as a gender biased thing. A significative amount of divorces are being initiated by women, whithin their rights.

"They don't want to be married"
Not untill they may hope that marriage may be quite different to the ones they once had or the one they are still in .

"The answer is simple: to spew and foment hatred for the institution"
Well.......
If the core of being married is the institutional frame, I can see why people gets rightfully disenchanted.
There are, hopefully other conceptions on how should it be.


----------



## Rus47

In Absentia said:


> But posters in good marriages can be a PITA too, telling you you are doing it all wrong, pestering and berating you without actually knowing much about your situation. Look at me, look at me, I turned it all around. I'm perfect. Well, good for you! My opinion is that if you can turn a marriage around, it wasn't really in trouble in the first place. Of course, there are cases where the poster needed a kick in the butt, but the successful stories are very limited. People come here when their marriage is in deep ****.


So ideally the only people who should post in a forum are those who had problems covered in that forum and solved them. People who never experienced problems posted in that forum should stay away. 

People with successful long term marriages should confine themselves to forums that dont discuss problems. For example If person hasnt experienced infidelity they shouldnt post to that forum. What if the thread OP explicitly requests posts from everyone?

Seems fair to me. So will adjust postings accordingly.


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> You may be right about this forum turning into a cooking class (lol); but, it won't be because of @In Absentia . IMO, it will be because of the hateful, bitter posts of disenchanted guys who spout misogyny and declare they are just making it real. They don't want to be married - so why are they on a marriage forum? The answer is simple: to spew and foment hatred for the institution. Just a bunch of woodland creatures frolicking through the picnic grounds and crapping on everything.


Oh please, spare us the hypocrisy. You are one of the biggest man bashers here.

And in case you haven't noticed, the forum has sections such as dealing with infidelity and going through divorce.


----------



## In Absentia

Rus47 said:


> So ideally the only people who should post in a forum are those who had problems covered in that forum and solved them. People who never experienced problems posted in that forum should stay away.
> 
> People with successful long term marriages should confine themselves to forums that dont discuss problems. For example If person hasnt experienced infidelity they shouldnt post to that forum. What if the thread OP explicitly requests posts from everyone?
> 
> Seems fair to me. So will adjust postings accordingly.


Not quite. I'm advocating balance. If you have a successful marriage, please give advice but don't post with an air of superiority. Don't be condescendent or patronising. If you've had a negative experience, then try and help giving your own perspective, but without being destructive, negative, or sarcastic. It doesn't help. I have been guilty of all these things myself, because, yes, I was bitter and also angry. I'm better now, and I try not to go over the top. It's tough, especially when you feel you are permanently attacked.


----------



## Diana7

In Absentia said:


> Not quite. I'm advocating balance. If you have a successful marriage, please give advice but don't post with an air of superiority. Don't be condescendent or patronising. If you've had a negative experience, then try and help giving your own perspective, but without being destructive, negative, or sarcastic. It doesn't help. I have been guilty of all these things myself, because, yes, I was bitter and also angry. I'm better now, and I try not to go over the top. It's tough, especially when you feel you are permanently attacked.


I haven't actually seen anyone post with an air of superioty or been patronising.


----------



## Sfort

Diana7 said:


> I haven't actually seen anyone post with an air of superiority or been patronising.


So you've stopped reading my posts? Ok, then.


----------



## Diana7

Sfort said:


> So you've stopped reading my posts? Ok, then.


No why?


----------



## Sfort

Diana7 said:


> No why?


Levity. Read your quote above my comment.


----------



## Diana7

Sfort said:


> Levity. Read your quote above my comment.


 Oh I get you.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Diana7 said:


> I remember one member even telling his sons to never get married. I thought that was appalling and I hope they do despite their bitter father.


If I had a son, I would strongly caution him against getting married. The juice ain't worth the squeeze.


----------



## Diana7

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> If I had a son, I would strongly caution him against getting married. The juice ain't worth the squeeze.


I would do the opposite but hope that the way I bought him up made him a good moral man of integrity who would choose a woman with similar qualities.


----------



## CountryMike

Rus47 said:


> So ideally the only people who should post in a forum are those who had problems covered in that forum and solved them. People who never experienced problems posted in that forum should stay away.
> 
> People with successful long term marriages should confine themselves to forums that dont discuss problems. For example If person hasnt experienced infidelity they shouldnt post to that forum. What if the thread OP explicitly requests posts from everyone?
> 
> Seems fair to me. So will adjust postings accordingly.


Good answer.


----------



## In Absentia

Diana7 said:


> I haven't actually seen anyone post with an air of superioty or been patronising.


Then I don't understand English, which is not my first language, I guess. Fair enough... 🙂


----------



## Blondilocks

drencrom said:


> Oh please, spare us the hypocrisy. You are one of the biggest man bashers here.
> 
> And in case you haven't noticed, the forum has sections such as dealing with infidelity and going through divorce.


In case you haven't noticed, I don't usually respond to your drivel. I am well aware of what this site features - you might want to acquaint yourself with the rules for this site.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Blondilocks said:


> You may be right about this forum turning into a cooking class (lol); but, it won't be because of @In Absentia . IMO, it will be because of the hateful, bitter posts of disenchanted guys who spout misogyny and declare they are just making it real. They don't want to be married - so why are they on a marriage forum? The answer is simple: to spew and foment hatred for the institution. Just a bunch of woodland creatures frolicking through the picnic grounds and crapping on everything.


Blondi, like I said a few weeks back, you are one of my favorite assholes. 😂

I appreciate your candor, even when I don’t agree with it. Are there some people that take things here too far? Yep. I try to find as much middle ground as possible.

I am in favor of the institution of marriage, but I also recognize that today’s man needs to be careful with whom he dates and considers marriage material. Both sexes (yes, all 2 of them) can equally be amazing and sh1tty. Still, the law favors one, and as such men, are more in the predicament of needing to protect themselves. This isn’t a knock against women. It is a knock against that Justice system.

some men get quite bitter and do the MGTOW thing. Some of those guys are bad, some are fine and just want to be left alone. Of course, the bad ones will be centered on and be used as the poster boys for the movement. I saw the thread you referred to. Got through a few posts then ignored it. It really has no use on a forum where marriage is theme.

where you lose me is using the buzz words like misogyny. I despise that word with every fiber in my being. It is tossed around like candy these days. Got a problem? Blame men. Should that word be used in that fashion? Nope. Does it get used that way? Yep.

I’d call my marriage semi traditional. My wife and I are equals. We get things done as we see fit. We raise our kids, and in general, everything is pretty honkeydory. My wife is quite on the side of the left persuasion, but at the end of the day, men are men and women are women. We have our strengths and weaknesses. We don’t force traditional roles, and yet, we kinda Fall into them. As such, I get annoyed when I’m called a misogynist by people out and about because I don’t subscribe to today’s popular thought process.

I personally don’t think you were using that word in the craptastic way that it is used in today’s society nor do I think you are a man-basher here, but we still do have those types here. I just ignore. They don’t speak for the general population of women here - just the same as the few bad apple men here don’t speak for the rest of us.


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> In case you haven't noticed, I don't usually respond to your drivel. I am well aware of what this site features - you might want to acquaint yourself with the rules for this site.


What rules? Is there one prohibiting calling out hypocrisy? Call it drivel all you want. But you're posts reek of misandry.


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> In case you haven't noticed, I don't usually respond to your drivel. I am well aware of what this site features - you might want to acquaint yourself with the rules for this site.


By the way, if you would be so kind as to unblock me so I can get on your profile and click the Ignore link. I'd appreciate it.


----------



## Blondilocks

drencrom said:


> By the way, if you would be so kind as to unblock me so I can get on your profile and click the Ignore link. I'd appreciate it.


LOL I don't have you blocked. It is a good idea, though. Thank you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

One thing I’ve learned from this site is there is a crap ton of gender bashing. The women just do it subtly. So I guess you can add this one to the list and call me a bitter incel. 

Yes, my son is about to turn 10 and he has seen the way some women (his mother) works. Denying me access. Calling the police six times in two weeks. False dv. His dad leaving his own house. Yeah, there’s not too much more I need to tell him about the risks of getting married. I think he has a full handle on it now. The best lesson he could have learned. I wish someone had taught me that 30 years ago.

I’ll await the responses calling me a woman hating pig, but, of course, in the subtle way that only they can do it and feel okay with themselves.


----------



## Blondilocks

drencrom said:


> By the way, if you would be so kind as to unblock me so I can get on your profile and click the Ignore link. I'd appreciate it.


I took pity on you:


bobert said:


> Either hover over their username or tap it, and use the three dots on the right.
> 
> View attachment 77549


Don't say I never gave you anything.


----------



## Blondilocks

RebuildingMe said:


> One thing I’ve learned from this site is there is a crap ton of gender bashing. The women just do it subtly. So I guess you can add this one to the list and call me a bitter incel.
> 
> Yes, my son is about to turn 10 and he has seen the way some women (his mother) works. Denying me access. Calling the police six times in two weeks. False dv. His dad leaving his own house. Yeah, there’s not too much more I need to tell him about the risks of getting married. I think he has a full handle on it now. The best lesson he could have learned. I wish someone had taught me that 30 years ago.
> 
> I’ll await the responses calling me a woman hating pig, but, of course, in the subtle way that only they can do it and feel okay with themselves.


Oh, stop. No one is going to call you a woman hating pig. You're not even RP. In a year or two, I doubt you'll be as bitter as you are now. You've even mellowed in the past year. I have to hand it to your girlfriend for sticking through that ******** divorce with you. But, I doubt she'll make the cut now that you're free to pursue women without the baggage of not being divorced.


----------



## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> One thing I’ve learned from this site is there is a crap ton of gender bashing. The women just do it subtly. So I guess you can add this one to the list and call me a bitter incel.
> 
> Yes, my son is about to turn 10 and he has seen the way some women (his mother) works. Denying me access. Calling the police six times in two weeks. False dv. His dad leaving his own house. Yeah, there’s not too much more I need to tell him about the risks of getting married. I think he has a full handle on it now. The best lesson he could have learned. I wish someone had taught me that 30 years ago.
> 
> I’ll await the responses calling me a woman hating pig, but, of course, in the subtle way that only they can do it and feel okay with themselves.


This is where things get difficult. Your situation is beyond awful. How you’ve managed… man, I don’t know. You are an inspiration as are many of the other betrayeds on this site. It gives me hope that any sort of challenge can be overcome when there are people like yourself out there meeting these horrible things head on.

emotions get to people and allow them to cloud their judgement. It becomes easier to blame the gender over blaming the system - because you actually see the horrible person go after you while it usually is forgotten that it was the system that ALLOWED the horrible person to do horrible things. Let’s all (men and women) be honest here - do we ever suggest to betrayed women to look out for a revenge false DV charge from their wayward husband? No, of course not. That would be ridiculous. Everyone knows there is no chance in hell that would hold up in court. It would be laughed out of the room before a judge ever sees it. 

if we could ever get the justice system straightened out, then I think a lot of gender bias would go out the door. We would look at a victim as a victim and an offender as an offender. Not their gender first.


----------



## RebuildingMe

By the way, by subtle I mean you will often find these words in a female post (especially on SI):
Narcissist, abuse, victim, violated, bully, sex addict, and of course, crappy father that does nothing with the kids and doesn’t help around the house. Then, they will be flocked by other women to leave this “unhealthy” situation but make sure you get a great lawyer and get everything you’re entitled to while you kick him out of the house.


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> This is where things get difficult. Your situation is beyond awful. How you’ve managed… man, I don’t know. You are an inspiration as are many of the other betrayeds on this site. It gives me hope that any sort of challenge can be overcome when there are people like yourself out there meeting these horrible things head on.
> 
> emotions get to people and allow them to cloud their judgement. It becomes easier to blame the gender over blaming the system - because you actually see the horrible person go after you while it usually is forgotten that it was the system that ALLOWED the horrible person to do horrible things. Let’s all (men and women) be honest here - do we ever suggest to betrayed women to look out for a revenge false DV charge from their wayward husband? No, of course not. That would be ridiculous. Everyone knows there is no chance in hell that would hold up in court. It would be laughed out of the room before a judge ever sees it.
> 
> if we could ever get the justice system straightened out, then I think a lot of gender bias would go out the door. We would look at a victim as a victim and an offender as an offender. Not their gender first.


Thank you and I agree 100%. The advice to men to sit on the marriage sidelines until the weather clears up and it’s safe to come out of the house is taken a misogynistic.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

RebuildingMe said:


> One thing I’ve learned from this site is there is a crap ton of gender bashing. The women just do it subtly. So I guess you can add this one to the list and call me a bitter incel.
> 
> Yes, my son is about to turn 10 and he has seen the way some women (his mother) works. Denying me access. Calling the police six times in two weeks. False dv. His dad leaving his own house. Yeah, there’s not too much more I need to tell him about the risks of getting married. I think he has a full handle on it now. The best lesson he could have learned. I wish someone had taught me that 30 years ago.
> 
> I’ll await the responses calling me a woman hating pig, but, of course, in the subtle way that only they can do it and feel okay with themselves.


I've read your story, and you literally went through hell and back. I can completely sympathize with your personal outlook on marriage after what you went through. I guess I am more optimistic on the institution of marriage. I've seen my share that failed, but I've also seen so many that resulted in a lifetime of happiness, including my own. I have to hope that my son will find a great partner in life and be willing to put his faith in marriage. I actually think it is going to be his current girlfriend of 2 years.

As for your son, I hope your experience doesn't totally sour him to women in general. Not all women are like your ex wife.


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## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you and I agree 100%. The advice to men to sit on the marriage sidelines until the weather clears up and it’s safe to come out of the house is taken a misogynistic.


Yes, it unfortunately is. 

This is what I was trying to get at in Blondi's post. I despise that word with a passion. It is not allowed to be spoken in my house - This is meant as a sign of respect to me and my son. Like I said, this word is thrown around like candy. It is out of control for the current time being. Thinking like a traditional man who accepts biologically what it means to be male human (all of our strengths and our weaknesses) is considered misogynistic in today's popular culture. This is absurd and I'll fight against this insane ideology for the remainder of my life.

I also want to make something clear with my previous post: The horrible women that bring up false DV charges do it because they KNOW that it works. Horrible PEOPLE will do horrible things that they know they can get away with. *Let's not beat around the bush here - horrible cheating men would do the EXACT same thing if they knew they could get away with it.* No question. Some people just suck really, really bad and I know at least in my house, I'll be doing everything I can to teach this to my son and daughter. I will also teach them that currently, the justice system will favor my daughter over my son. There is no reason to sugar coat this or act like it isn't happening. That's absurd. That is how we run into these gender fights. People not wanting to look at the truth of what is going on. 

I completely understand your standpoint of wanting men to sit on the sidelines during the marriage game for the time being. I'm positive I would be in the same position as you if I had dealt with your situation. I am still an advocate for marriage - but you have to be very careful. I know for sure I would have gone through a lengthy prenup procedure had I known about these problems 15 years ago. I didn't pay attention to popular culture at the time, but assuming the legal system has not changed by the time my children are of marrying age, I will suggest they need to do this once they consider marriage.


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## drencrom

Edit, nevermind, I got it to work


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## RebuildingMe

RebuildingMe said:


> By the way, by subtle I mean you will often find these words in a female post (especially on SI):
> Narcissist, abuse, victim, violated, bully, sex addict, and of course, *crappy father that does nothing with the kids and doesn’t help around the house. *Then, they will be flocked by other women to leave this “unhealthy” situation but make sure you get a great lawyer and get everything you’re entitled to while you kick him out of the house.


Amazing, right on queue. Read the second sentence of a brand new post in the GRD board. It's out there if you look hard enough for it. It's the female playbook to get sympathy from other females. Got to laugh...


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## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> I took pity on you:
> 
> Don't say I never gave you anything.


Sweet, there it is. Thanks.

Ignored.


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## RebuildingMe

Blondilocks said:


> Oh, stop. No one is going to call you a woman hating pig. You're not even RP. In a year or two, I doubt you'll be as bitter as you are now. You've even mellowed in the past year. I have to hand it to your girlfriend for sticking through that ****** divorce with you. But, I doubt she'll make the cut now that you're free to pursue women without the baggage of not being divorced.


She will make the cut as long as she continues to act like a girlfriend and not a wife. Yes, I agree with you that she put up with a lot in the last year and I never wanted that to happen nor did I ever expect it to be that bad.


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## bobert

drencrom said:


> Edit, nevermind, I got it to work


You couldn't view @Blondilocks profile because of the privacy settings she has.

Account Settings > Privacy > "Allow Users To..." > "view your details on your profile page".


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## drencrom

bobert said:


> You couldn't view @Blondilocks profile because of the privacy settings she has.
> 
> Account Settings > Privacy > "Allow Users To..." > "view your details on your profile page".


All good now though, mission accomplished. I just thought that was the only way to access the Ignore feature.


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## Divinely Favored

Anastasia6 said:


> We have one. We made the concious decision to make sure we didn't let our child split us. In the end our child will leave and we hope to still be together.


Exactly...if your spouse is not a seriously messed up individual...the spouse relationship is most important. If you do not make your spouse a priority during child rearing, your spouse may leave when the kids do, if not before. 

Many women push the hubby to 4th on the list behind kids, work and personal time. Ignoring the fact they were a wife before a mom. After kids leave they are soo far away from their hubby that there is only a marriage on paper. Its like they just exchanged their marriage for being a mom.


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## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> I haven't actually seen anyone post with an air of superioty or been patronising.


There is one i can think of. She seems to think men are the root of all evil.


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## Divinely Favored

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> If I had a son, I would strongly caution him against getting married. The juice ain't worth the squeeze.


We told our sons who they marry is the 2nd most important decision of their lives so they better be sure it is the right one. 

My 16yr old has had girls after him since grade school. He says he is not interrested in a GF right now and will find his wife when he is in Seminary in St. Louis after HS graduation


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## Divinely Favored

In Absentia said:


> Then I don't understand English, which is not my first language, I guess. Fair enough... 🙂


Had my HS English teacher visit London. When cad driver ask her what she did, he had issue with her job description. He said No..You are an American Teacher. You do not teach English you teach American.


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## Anastasia6

Divinely Favored said:


> Exactly...if your spouse is not a seriously messed up individual...the spouse relationship is most important. If you do not make your spouse a priority during child rearing, your spouse may leave when the kids do, if not before.
> 
> Many women push the hubby to 4th on the list behind kids, work and personal time. Ignoring the fact they were a wife before a mom. After kids leave they are soo far away from their hubby that there is only a marriage on paper. Its like they just exchanged their marriage for being a mom.


This isn't limited to women. Men often times leave the wife to shoulder the majority of kid work especially the social emotional issues or school issues or what have you. Leaving the wife to feel like she is doing 80 to 90% of the raising kids work. This leads to huge resentment and space in the marriage.

Most marital problems go both ways.


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## Divinely Favored

My wife and my marriage is one that embarrases the kids and make others sick with the PDA sweetness. Married 24+. However during the 1st half i followed after dad's example. Passive hubby. Wife pushed and prodded as she was trying to get me to stand up to her and be the man she knew was there on the inside. 

Im 6'05" and she is 5'04" and can have an attitude of a pit bull. I could tell when she was pissed as i crap you not...her pupils would be different sizes! I was trained by my dad's actions to hold things in so you dont upset your momma. He created a monster in her.

Raising kids and wife's prodding, lack of me being on the priority list pushed me to a breaking point. I came here and several other places, read all kinds of books trying to figure out why being the beta perfect hubby was not working and i was miserable. Nothing i did was done right or to her level. 

I felt unwanted and as last ditch to try to get attention from wife i started dropping weight fast and hitting weights. I was emotionally checked out to protect myself from the hurt. She noticed and freaked. Her 1st hubby was a serial cheater and she just knew i was already on my way out the door. I was not far from it. I had to deal with her suspicious mind from her 1st marriage for 10-12 yrs until she got past it. She had the mindset that guys could not withstand womens advances so i was always at risk of straying. More than once i had to say "I am not your damned ex-husband!"

Finally got to breaking point and she finally got me to open up. The dam broke and over 2 days dumped years of pent up resentments in her lap from things she has done. She was blown away and it took about a week to get over it. She felt like i had lied to her as i had withheld anger for years, as detriment to my health. I remember that day clearly. Blood pressure through the roof trying to hold everything in and trying not to let the tears flow in front of her. I remember feeling like i was betraying my dad when i looked at her with 😢 and said, "I don't want to be like my dad" and broke down. My dad never said a word and despised being around my mom. She treated him bad but he always acted loving towards her.

I became the man of tge home, leader of my family, example for my sons to follow. By stepping up my wifes attitude did a 180. Key to the happiness is communication... Communication...Communication. If i have issue with her, it is made known. I dont hold things in to fester. Sex went fron 3x month to 4-5x week. We do everything together and want to spend all or time together. Cant wait for retirement to be together more.

Communication is what keeps a relationship running smoothly. Good or bad.


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## pastasauce79

I've been married for almost 19 years. We have two kids. We have a bi cultural, bilingual home. We've been lost in translation many times. We've had our ups and downs. We've dealt with many obstacles, but at the end, we are still happily married. 

I found this site about 10 years ago, when I felt something wasn't right in my marriage. After reading so many heartbreaking stories, I realized my marriage was fine. I was lucky! I just needed to change a few things. I joined a few years ago when I couldn't keep reading a thread without being a TAM member! 

After reading so many sad stories, I'm scared for my children. I hope the knowledge I have gathered from this site can help me guiding them through the crazy world of dating and I hope one day they find someone special and get married. I love being married and they know it.

Sometimes I feel like it's a waste of time posting in here, but then I read something interesting and I'm posting again. It's a vicious cycle! LoL! I'll be here for a while, unless someone pushes me away.


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## Diana7

RebuildingMe said:


> One thing I’ve learned from this site is there is a crap ton of gender bashing. The women just do it subtly. So I guess you can add this one to the list and call me a bitter incel.
> 
> Yes, my son is about to turn 10 and he has seen the way some women (his mother) works. Denying me access. Calling the police six times in two weeks. False dv. His dad leaving his own house. Yeah, there’s not too much more I need to tell him about the risks of getting married. I think he has a full handle on it now. The best lesson he could have learned. I wish someone had taught me that 30 years ago.
> 
> I’ll await the responses calling me a woman hating pig, but, of course, in the subtle way that only they can do it and feel okay with themselves.


You do realize that few women are like your wife don't you? She is the extreme. 
I have a family member who is twice divorced. Both his wives cheated. His three lovely kids are all very happily married, one with 2 children now. They have great partners as well. Hopefully you can teach him what a good marriage should be like. If you act decently it will all help.


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## Divinely Favored

Anastasia6 said:


> This isn't limited to women. Men often times leave the wife to shoulder the majority of kid work especially the social emotional issues or school issues or what have you. Leaving the wife to feel like she is doing 80 to 90% of the raising kids work. This leads to huge resentment and space in the marriage.
> 
> Most marital problems go both ways.


Yeah she would pop off that she does everything....until i start listing off all the things i was doing and her argument was shot to hell. She did laundry because she did not like how i did it. She was a perfectionist and had horrible childhood so she put soo much into the house and kids there was little left over for the marriage.

We both bathed the boys, i had no issue with diapers, both cooked/dishes. I vaccumed house, she mopped kitchen/baths. I clean toilets, she cleans showers. I did yard/vehicle maintenance. She just did not deal with stress well.


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## LATERILUS79

Divinely Favored said:


> Exactly...if your spouse is not a seriously messed up individual...the spouse relationship is most important. If you do not make your spouse a priority during child rearing, your spouse may leave when the kids do, if not before.
> 
> Many women push the hubby to 4th on the list behind kids, work and personal time. Ignoring the fact they were a wife before a mom. After kids leave they are soo far away from their hubby that there is only a marriage on paper. Its like they just exchanged their marriage for being a mom.


DF, you make some good points here. I do think it is a bit more nuanced.

I no longer “need” to be #1 in my wife’s life after children. I feel like we are all on equal footing. The children should never be neglected for me and I should never be neglected for the children. Same goes for my wife. It is a balancing act many of us play.

That doesn’t mean that it is easy. It takes more work than it used to. More scheduling and planning. Children require A LOT of time and there are unfortunately parents or new parents that are not willing to give it. It’s a shame. In order to give that time though, the parents need to recharge the battery. They need their alone time to constantly rekindle their love for each other. They need to remind themselves WHY they are so willing to forgo a lot of their personal lives to give of themselves to their children. It’s Tough, no question. My only hope is that one day when my kids are older they’ll appreciate why mom and dad needed time to themselves every so often. My kids are still young. They don’t understand why they are only 85% of our universe instead of 100%. 😂

either way, I think you and I are in agreement. The marriage is extremely important. The couple needs to continue to work on themselves and their relationship so that they are more of a United front when it comes to parenting the kids. It makes for a more stable, loving arrangement instead of one parent giving 100% of their time to the children and the other parent resenting their partner.


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## Anastasia6

Divinely Favored said:


> Yeah she would pop off that she does everything....until i start listing off all the things i was doing and her argument was shot to hell. She did laundry because she did not like how i did it. She was a perfectionist and had horrible childhood so she put soo much into the house and kids there was little left over for the marriage.
> 
> We both bathed the boys, i had no issue with diapers, both cooked/dishes. I vaccumed house, she mopped kitchen/baths. I clean toilets, she cleans showers. I did yard/vehicle maintenance. She just did not deal with stress well.


Don't take it so personal. I talking about your generic statements that women put men last and that creates problems.

Besides this whole thing is a giant thread jack from my original question.


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## gaius

Your marriage sounds great Anastasia. For you. And I'm sure some others. For me it would be my worst nightmare to never have an argument with my partner. I would feel they either weren't being fully honest with me or were a pushover. 

I don't post here with the expectation that everyone needs what I have or that people will always find what I have to say useful or entertaining. But my life experience and what I have to say adds to the diversity of the site, so I don't feel out of place.


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## Anastasia6

gaius said:


> Your marriage sounds great Anastasia. For you. And I'm sure some others. For me it would be my worst nightmare to never have an argument with my partner. I would feel they either weren't being fully honest with me or were a pushover.
> 
> I don't post here with the expectation that everyone needs what I have or that people will always find what I have to say useful or entertaining. But my life experience and what I have to say adds to the diversity of the site, so I don't feel out of place.


On the contrary I feel we are more honest because we aren't afraid the other person is going to get offended and start a fight. Just because we don't fight doesn't mean we don't discuss things from different perspectives. Many times the discussion is hypothetical anyway because we do naturally agree on lots of items. 

I like to bring situations from TAM to my husband to say hypothetically what do you think if .....

I don't post to hope that everyone one needs what I have but it is interesting the dismissive attitude some have on this site. Or the sheer authoritian ideas like their opinion is the only one. 

I too myself find myself sometimes unable to see what some of the posters are talking about but I never claimed to be above the fray.

I just happen to have a very successful long term marriage.


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## uphillbattle

Divinely Favored said:


> There is one i can think of. She seems to think men are the root of all evil.


I don't know if it is sad or funny that I know exactly of whom you speak.


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## uphillbattle

Anastasia6 said:


> Those of us in true long term happy relationships. Especially 1st time marriages?
> I don't think this is a rare thing but maybe it is. I've seen some of the long term people here who talk about a 'rough' patch where all kinds of bad happened. But is it truly rare to just be happy with one person for the whole 27 years or what have you?
> 
> I have lots of things in my life that are wrong or bad or not up to societal norms.
> 
> But I truly have the best marriage I've ever seen in my life. We accept each other. We don't argue. We have sex. We are each others best friends. We are happy. I've never been yelled at. We don't sleep apart because of arguements cause we don't have them. We want the other person to be happy and we are willing to do our part so try to make that happen.
> Neither is in control of the other but we love each other enough that we consider that other person in our decision making, not just the big decisions but the small ones too.
> 
> I feel that sometimes dispersions are cast my way (not often) because of this 'perfect' marriage. Either people not believing me or thinking it's a one in a million thing and others can't have it. Or that any advise I might have is useless because I've never been married to.... That part actually has merit. I have never been married to someone who was emotionally abusive. I was in a LTR with one I was supposed to marry but was smart enough not to marry him and leave.
> 
> The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other.
> 
> I don't know just a rambling thought.


This site is for all sorts. The more diverse the situations and experiences the better.

There are a couple of people on here that I suspect I couldn't agree with on the color of grass. That being said, hearing their point of view is more fruitful to get than someone who is in lockstep with how I think.

People on here are better off having someone with the perspective of a good marriage. It adds to the mix of multiple perspectives.


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## HappilyMarried1

Anastasia6 said:


> Those of us in true long term happy relationships. Especially 1st time marriages?
> I don't think this is a rare thing but maybe it is. I've seen some of the long term people here who talk about a 'rough' patch where all kinds of bad happened. But is it truly rare to just be happy with one person for the whole 27 years or what have you?
> 
> I have lots of things in my life that are wrong or bad or not up to societal norms.
> 
> But I truly have the best marriage I've ever seen in my life. We accept each other. We don't argue. We have sex. We are each others best friends. We are happy. I've never been yelled at. We don't sleep apart because of arguements cause we don't have them. We want the other person to be happy and we are willing to do our part so try to make that happen.
> Neither is in control of the other but we love each other enough that we consider that other person in our decision making, not just the big decisions but the small ones too.
> 
> I feel that sometimes dispersions are cast my way (not often) because of this 'perfect' marriage. Either people not believing me or thinking it's a one in a million thing and others can't have it. Or that any advise I might have is useless because I've never been married to.... That part actually has merit. I have never been married to someone who was emotionally abusive. I was in a LTR with one I was supposed to marry but was smart enough not to marry him and leave.
> 
> The sad part is I think everyone could have a happy marriage. I think arranged marriages could work. If both spouse were honest with themselves and if both were willing to accept the other.
> 
> I don't know just a rambling thought.


Great post after reading several of your threads I wanted to post seem to have a lot in common. My wife and I have now been married 34+ years we are both retired teachers who experienced a lot of success in our profession as you have. We both worked in the same elementary school for our last 8 years. She taught kindergarten and I 3rd grade in 2013 our school was a National Blue Ribbon School. My wife had to retire early due to health issues and I stopped in March of 2020 due to concern for her safety. I am going back to teaching as a invention teacher in a week or so due to a severe teacher shortage in our state. My wife's health issues has affected us in the bedroom but we still love each other very much and spend all our time together enjoying other activities and still make love when health allows. However even through that part of our life is not what it was 20 years ago I feel our love is stronger and even deeper now and I think she feels the same way as well. I found this and some other sites during Covid as kind of a hobby and try to help people in their marriages. I enjoyed your story and just wanted to say as much. For what is worth in your thread about possibly retiring and becoming a SAHM it took my wife about 15 months to get use to staying at home (I worked one more year after she retired and that was tough at first for her) I have been doing some substitute teaching in the past 6 years since I retired am a little anxious about going back full time, but I think about the money (I get to draw my teaching salary plus still draw my full retirement benefits as well) so that helps. lol

My wife really loves being retired and would never consider going back even if health allowed it . We are in our mid 50's we are empty nesters. Our son lives in the same town and finishing up his last year of dental school and is turning 31. So good luck on your retirement. I sure hope your husband can keep up with you and the sexual energy you will now have without being a tired he had better start getting some B-12 shots. lol Best of continued luck! Stay safe.


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## Anastasia6

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Great post after reading several of your threads I wanted to post seem to have a lot in common. My wife and I have now been married 34+ years we are both retired teachers who experienced a lot of success in our profession as you have. We both worked in the same elementary school for our last 8 years. She taught kindergarten and I 3rd grade in 2013 our school was a National Blue Ribbon School. My wife had to retire early due to health issues and I stopped in March of 2020 due to concern for her safety. I am going back to teaching as a invention teacher in a week or so due to a severe teacher shortage in our state. My wife's health issues has affected us in the bedroom but we still love each other very much and spend all our time together enjoying other activities and still make love when health allows. However even through that part of our life is not what it was 20 years ago I feel our love is stronger and even deeper now and I think she feels the same way as well. I found this and some other sites during Covid as kind of a hobby and try to help people in their marriages. I enjoyed your story and just wanted to say as much. For what is worth in your thread about possibly retiring and becoming a SAHM it took my wife about 15 months to get use to staying at home (I worked one more year after she retired and that was tough at first for her) I have been doing some substitute teaching in the past 6 years since I retired am a little anxious about going back full time, but I think about the money (I get to draw my teaching salary plus still draw my full retirement benefits as well) so that helps. lol
> 
> My wife really loves being retired and would never consider going back even if health allowed it . We are in our mid 50's we are empty nesters. Our son lives in the same town and finishing up his last year of dental school and is turning 31. So good luck on your retirement. I sure hope your husband can keep up with you and the sexual energy you will now have without being a tired he had better start getting some B-12 shots. lol Best of continued luck! Stay safe.


Thank you. I am know I would never go back. I used to love teaching and I put a lot of time and effort into doing it well. The sheer disrespect that has been unleashed in the pandemic has me questioning why I bother. I have a degree in Engineering and left a lucrative career to teach to help students and to have more time with my own daughter. While she isn't out of the house she is an adult, (well maybe). 

He has back problems that will keep him from keeping up with me. But who knows after menapause maybe I'll slow down


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