# Dealing with wifes poor self esteem



## Cooper123 (Aug 25, 2011)

Background: mid 20's, married 2 years, dating forever, never been with anyone else.

So basically sex is regular (3-4/week) and usually pretty fulfilling. However, my wife suffers from extremely low self esteem. I try to complement her, but she always responds by telling me how I'm wrong. For example "honey, you look great tonight" "No, I look a lard ass".

This pattern of constantly putting herself down translates in to the bedroom as a lack of any of the self confidence that so defines a "sexy" woman. She hasn't shared a single fantasy, expressed a desire to try something new, or taken the initiative once in the 2 years we have been married. She is "fine" with whatever I want to do but the sexual relationship is one sided. I would like to be more adventurous, but its difficult to think she likes anything when I am the only one proposing it.

At this point, my only fantasy is for my wife to act sexy once. She has tons of lingerie that she has purchased or received as a gift but won't wear any of it (she wore it once for our anniversary, drove me crazy with it, but that's it. Once in 2 years.)

How do I cope? What do I do? What the heck is going on?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she overweight? That can cause this problem.

Women see EVERY PROBLEM on their body. Problems you would never dream are problems. lol.


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## Cooper123 (Aug 25, 2011)

She is over weight but not outrageously so. Size 8. I think she is curvy more than anything.

But if her weight is causing it, does that mean I shouldn't even hope for a wife who will seem confident in bed until she hits a size 4?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, that has to come from her, you're right. How tall is she? Size 8 isn't big!


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## Cooper123 (Aug 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, that has to come from her, you're right. How tall is she? Size 8 isn't big!


She's only 5'2 but she really is curvy. A size 8 is tight in the butt and loose in the waist. I think she is pretty hot just like she is but, speaking from a health perspective, lose a few pounds wouldn't be a bad idea. Buts that's besides the point. What do I do? I don't expect my wife to turn in to a porn star, but I really don't think its too much to ask her to own a skirt or wear something a little scandalous every other month to bed. It's tough when she is extremely open in bed, but won't suggest anything herself. Basically, I get left feeling like the pervert.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, maybe she was raised to be a "good girl". I was once like that-- quiet in the bedroom. But it had to come from inside me that I can be an expressive, sexual being. And you have talked to her about this?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Cooper123 said:


> Background: mid 20's, married 2 years, dating forever, never been with anyone else.
> 
> So basically sex is regular (3-4/week) and usually pretty fulfilling. However, my wife suffers from extremely low self esteem. I try to complement her, but she always responds by telling me how I'm wrong. For example "honey, you look great tonight" "No, I look a lard ass".


How about saying something along the lines of "I don't appreciate being called a liar." (said in a playful tone) or "Are you trying to convince me?" Tone is the key here though. Try to keep it fairly light and playful. It's just meant as something to stop her in her tracks and hopefully get her to recognize she's putting herself down in front of the very man she'd be wanting to attract. Also the less she verbalizes these types of comments about herself, the less likely she is to be thinking them.



Cooper123 said:


> She has tons of lingerie that she has purchased or received as a gift but won't wear any of it (she wore it once for our anniversary, drove me crazy with it, but that's it. Once in 2 years.)


It's interesting that she has tons of lingerie that she has purchased but doesn't then wear it, or wear for you. I wonder if you could tell her randomly or send her a text during the day, "Remember our anniversary night and you wore ____, I still think about that. It drives me crazy thinking about it. You looked insanely sexy." (or however it is that you might communicate but you get the idea lol). See how she responds. Then a few days later, ask if she'd wear a specific outfit for you and you'll make sure it's worth her while. Don't feel like a pervert. It's great that you crave your wife!

At the end of the day, you can't fix her low self-esteem. That's something she needs to deal with herself. Even if she reached size 2 she might still have these issues. If she wants to drop a few pounds though, suggest going to the gym/working out together to help her feel supported with her goal. Best wishes.


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## ArmyFam913 (Aug 25, 2011)

I have the opposite problem, I want to be adventurous but my husband is a to the point and done type of guy. He says he is fine with our sex life, but I could def use something a little more. 

I have low self-esteem to a point and when my husband makes complements, I love them but sometimes joke that he is blind. I agree with the dirty texts. Text messaging.. sexting.. can be really hot. It makes the chick feel like she is desired. I've tried it with my husband sending pictures or phrases and all I get it "nice picture" or "lol" so hopefully you get a better response that I do.

Self- esteem is something she'll have to fix.. it might be nice to treat her to a spa day. She'll come out feeling refreshed and better about herself, so that might help her open up.


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## dearhusband (Aug 22, 2011)

I'm not the one to offer advice on improving sex life, but regarding self esteem:

Just to be perfectly if she isn't self confident at a size 8 than she won't be at a size 2. My wife, who is similar in height, was more confident at a size 8 than a size 4. Better to either solve the confidence problem generally or figure out coping mechanisms than to pursue weight loss.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Too common of a problem, unfortunately. Our society seems to put very unreasonable expectations on women and their bodies and this becomes ingrained into them from a very early age (you will sometimes see preschooler girls talking about how 'fat' they are.)

As a man and a husband, the best thing you can do is simply be supportive. Continue to be complimentary and show her that you find her desirable. Continue to pursue her - let her know you love her, let her know you desire her, that you find her sexy.

Continue to be the captain and set the pace for the sexual relationship if she won't take up the helm. Don't feel like a pervert and don't get impatient at the pace - just continue moving forward, slowly but surely if necessary.

AND, don't be impatient with her and don't act disappointed around her. Your opening post smacks of frustration and disappointment in her. Don't let her see these from you - that will just make her feel more inadequate if she senses this in you and it will make it all worse. Instead, keep yourself positive and glory in her and maybe someday she will come around and believe in herself in the same way you believe in her.

Here's a book you may be interested in reading: Amazon.com: Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together (9781592333011): Tammy Nelson: Books

God Bless.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It is dreary isn't it?


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

How is her self esteem in regards to not physical things, such as her job, or her ability to "do stuff", like sports, or whatever she's into? I find that most people that have poor self confidence in their appearance generally feel inadaquate about themselves in everything. It sucks, and it's really hard to overcome, and all I can offer is to continue to tell her how beautiful she is, smart she is, talented, etc. and try your best to not mention her low self esteem, in my experience at least, that doesn't help.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

One way to combat this is to say "Dear, I think you look beautiful".

Then when she says something negative tell her "Don't tell me what I'm supposed to think".

It is quite important that you are allowed to declare your opinion of you woman without getting pushed back on.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I like Hicks' statement.

I suffered from years of rejection from my STBXW and never hearing from her that she found me attractive. I didn't realize it at the time, and she was never deliberately hurtful about it. But it continued throughout our 18 year marriage.

Now, I'm seeing a beautiful woman, and it's taken a real effort to take a compliment from her gracefully. She basically has done what Hicks said, refusing to let me deflect her compliments. And I've done the same for her. Now, I can simply say "thank you", as I believe her when she says how attractive I am to her. And this change has made a big difference in both of our lives, I think.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

Keep reaffirming to her how beautiful and hot she is to you. Compliment her every day. Support her, encourage her. When she insults herself, give her a hug and tell her she is absolutely perfect for you. Never tire of building her up. Maybe pick out some lingerie you would like her to wear and lay it on her pillow... subtle hints. Her not sharing any fantasies isn't really a big deal. Just try different things with her and be perceptive, you'll discover what her fantasies are ... that's the fun of exploration. Many times it is the husband who is more adventurous and "ingenious" when it comes to sex. You said she is "fine" with whatever you want to do. Hey, that in itself is huge. Concentrate on giving her the most pleasure you are capable of. Focus on giving to her your best unconditionally and your worries of getting something from her will take care of themselves. Just keep loving and complimenting and pleasuring... you guys are going to be fine!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Try saying bad things about other women. 

I always feel good when my husband says bad things about other women. He didn't do it intentionally to make me feel good, but what he does sometimes makes me feel that he is not interested in other women but me. Of course complement directed to me builds me up too. 

Human nature!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

greenpearl ~ I always enjoy reading your posts. 

With this scenario however, although I understand how you might feel with your H only showing interest in you (by putting down other women), I feel this could be slightly risky with her low self esteem. It depends on how the message is delivered to her. If he commented negatively about a woman's appearance who she thought had great [insert physical feature], this could potentially make her feel even more insecure. Kinda with the thought process of, "If he thinks _she's_ unattractive, how would he think _I'm_ attractive?" ....just a different way of thinking about this. For me personally, I wouldn't think very highly of my H if he spoke badly of other women in that way. *shrug* but that's just me. That's not to say I'd want to hear him noticing the good about other women either though 

I do like when my H tells me attraction is a lot more than just the physical. He tells me what he loves about me physically as well as complimenting me for my other non-physical traits too. Of course having him tell me how beautiful and sexy I am randomly through-out the day is great. Like most women, I'm susceptible to my "down" moments. The last one occurred following an incident with harsh fitting room lighting and mirrors of various angles. I came out looking sad. He asked what was wrong. I told him. He pulled me in close and told me how sexy I am. Then on the escalators he gave me a big kiss and told me he couldn't wait to get me home. This had me smiling again. Sometimes women are ridiculous beings. 

I'd say make her feel beautiful through your words and actions, push-back playfully when she tries to negate your compliments, and at the same time recognize that her confidence can only truly come from within herself.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

HB,

My husband wasn't trying to put down other women, he was just giving comments about other women, but tell you honestly, the negative comments he gave about other women made me feel good, secretly!  The comments are not about their appearance, they are usually about other women's personality. Like xxx is a big spender, xxx is whiny and demanding. etc. I never told him that those negative comments made me feel good. But he is very careful about saying good things about other women in front of me. He knows that I get bothered. Hey, I am a jealous woman. I am working on it, now if he tells me that one of my co-workers has a great body, I don't get nasty towards him right away! LOL

And your husband is doing the right thing.  I don't feel much when my husband compliments me about my appearance, I know how I look and I know I am getting older. But when he says I am a wonderful cook, I am a wonderful woman in bed, I am very good with money, all these put big smiles on my face. He knows I like to hear it, he does it often. We are women, we know what that feels. It is never enough!  

For OP's wife, I don't know what will make her feel good. Every woman is different. I shared what makes me feel good and confident, HB, you shared what makes you feel confident. We are all sharing!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> at the same time recognize that her confidence can only truly come from within herself.


This is very important. 

What others can do is very little. We can't expect our spouses to make us feel good about ourselves. And for men and women, it is not your job to make your spouse feel confident. She or he has to work on themselves. 

I do a lot of reading, that has helped me a lot.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I'll tell you what helped me to feel more confident. Pictures. My H had asked to take nude pics of me for years and even though I'm a workoutaholic, I was so critical of my body that I couldn't bring myself to let him until a couple of years ago. I didn't look at them for quite a while, but one day I was about to put a DVD in the Playstation, when I saw that he had uploaded them there. ( we don't have children) We have the PS hooked up to a 55 inch tv and I was mortified that he'd viewed them that big. Well, curiosity go the better of me and I opened the file. I'm glad I did. Now, when I start to criticize something about my body, I remind myself that I look pretty good nude on a big screen tv-lol! I have felt much more confident, sexually, since then. Maybe some nice pictures could help your wife, too.

There used to be a show about this called How to Look Good Naked. Leading up to taking pictures of women, they addressed body image issues. It seemed to do wonders for those women, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> Now, when I start to criticize something about my body, I remind myself that I look pretty good nude on a big screen tv-lol! I have felt much more confident, sexually, since then. Maybe some nice pictures could help your wife, too.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


  

We are usually too critical of ourselves! We never know that we actually look like movie stars! 

In fact, we are just as good looking as those movie stars. Give us professional photographers, pretty clothes, and pretty make up, we will look great. 

And look at those movie stars, without make up or professional lighting, they are just as common as us. 

And beauty fades..........................

Inner beauty is what we should focus on.......................................


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Self esteem has no correlation with performance in bed. The bed part is more about hormones that anything else, and you don't need self esteem to have hormones. Us girls are raised to believe that "Acting sexy" = being a *****. That is the way this society shapes us - with this belief (among others). It is not enjoyable to be a ***** they tell me, and it is not enjoyable to act like one either. Especially if you aren't actually one. So basically what I'm saying is maybe this sort of behaviour is not your wife's piece of cake.

I'm sure you have more than one fantasy. Maybe you guys could latch onto one of the others and focus on that. That way, it can be enjoyable for you both instead of just you.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

damn, word filter. But you get the general idea.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

I don't really think much needs to actually be DONE in this situation. They are so young and new to their marriage. I was shy, too, for a long time. Just keep up what you're doing in reaffirming your love for her and how you think she is beautiful. Continue to encourage her whenever she does put a foot forward in the direction you want. The more experienced you get with each other, the more she will blossom!


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

My wife's low self esteem left her extremely vunerable to predator type men and she had an affair. She is size 0 and beautiful so she is an easy target for these jackel type men. Keep that in mind.

On another front...I would get her into counseling asap. The first session I saw improvement.


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

My husband out right asked me once if I _honestly_ thought he was lying to me about my appearance when he complimented me (I had the same problem as your wife..well, still am struggling with low self esteem, not in the same departments though). Who would go out of their way to make up crap to compliment their spouse about? He also asked me if when I complimented him, was ever I lying or telling a white lie? I thought about it, and I would never come up with something completely random out of my ass to use as a compliment for my husband..everything I say to him is 100% genuine. 

If I wasn't happy with his weight for whatever reason (health/appearance), yet I kept lying to him and giving him compliments about his body, it would have the opposite effect of what I really wanted. I'm using this as an example because my hubby is a little overweight, but working on it and becoming more healthy. I DO let him know constantly how much progress he's making to give him motivation. 

In conclusion...I have never questioned any of his compliments ever again!


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