# Years later and still depressed



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

It has been 4 years since my breakup with the only man I ever loved. We would speak sporadically over the past years. I know many don't agree with this and I know that I probably need to just let go. I am not trying for reconciliation, but I still have a need to be heard and kept hoping that he would talk to me so that we could at least be friends in time. I am realizing this is unrealistic. Anyway, I have good and bad days; right now I am in a dark place and I don't know what to do. I have been to the doctor and counseling and all accounts say that I am depressed; however, because I am able to talk things out rationally etc. that I am mildly depressed. I have been given antidepressants, but got of them because people were telling me I had gotten to a point where I just didn't care about anything. Apparently that was true, as I almost got fired from my job for coming in late if at all, not responding to people, telling people exactly what I thought of them etc.

I know this is too long to grieve a loss, especially since he has moved on with his life and is engaged and doing well; without a care in the world about me. I just don't know what to do. I totally lost myself in him/in us for so long I don't even have a personality etc. without him; I feel. I want to go out and find things and groups to be with to find things to do etc.; but I work 2 jobs and have no interest in anything.

I have been on and got off of Paxil, Lexapro and one other one that I can not think of the name of right now. I am sick of going into the doctor office to tell them something is not right and it is not working...but I know I need to continue to do so in order to get my meds right; I just don't know what to do...I am really at a loss of everything right now.

I do know I suffer from anxiety and depression...to the point that I wake up feeling nauseous. I often am afraid of my future and recently been trying to figure out what I am going to do at the next milestone in life. I wish I could see better days ahead, but my mind is so fogged, I can not right now. I don't even feel I have anything to offer anyone; including myself. I know that sounds extremely dismal and dark, and again, I am depressed; but I do not believe I am to the point that I would hurt myself-other than the constant emotional struggle I put myself through.

Anything to help?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I am so sorry for your pain. You seem very lost right now. When we feel lost, we tend to grab onto something solid, but the solid you grabbed onto, your ex, is an illusion and your fooling yourself into thinking you just want to remain friends. 

(This next part is going to be hard to take so deep breaths and say out loud, I wont take this as a personal insult.)

The reality is, you want him in your life, you want him to care about you and be concerned for your health and well being, you want him to show that concern to you. So you reach out to him, but this only makes you feel worse, because when you reach out to him you are confronted with the reality, that he has moved on and you have not.

How do you move on? How do you cope with depression that prevents you from moving on?

Studies shwo that people with pets are significantly less affected by depression than those without pets. I recommend a dog, NOT a puppy. Go to the local shelter and get yourself on older senior dog who just needs a nice home where he can lazy around the sofa most of the day, get outside to poop and pee when he needs it, and someone who will take care of him and go on walks with him just for the pleasure of seeing what interesting smells can be found. If a dog is out of the question, get a cat or kitten. Kitten would work well because they tend to be much more interactive than a cat.

Stop trying to fix yourself with meds. UGH a pox of docs who prescribe meds without insisting on therapy! Meds alone does NOTHING for depression. You must find a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. During therapy, you learn to see your thinking and perception errors, how this depression is keeping you from enjoying life, you will learn to recognize the things you can change and you will gather strength to then go about changing them!

So...
1. Get a Pet
2. Get therapy

Good Luck my dear!


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## Martian (May 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> So...
> 1. Get a Pet
> 2. Get therapy
> 
> Good Luck my dear!


Just don't get confused and pet a therapist. For some reason they don't like that.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Anon Pink,
Thank you. And you are on point with what you say. I don't take it as a personal insult; I appreciate your feedback and it is all very accurate. I have spoken these things out (to myself and therapists); but I have not been able to break the pattern. I was unaware of a "Cognitive Behavioral Therapist" so I will definitely look for that specific therapist.

Ironically, my friend asked me to dog sit his dog (2 years ago...I still have the dog) and he mentioned it would help me as well...I find at times it does, but I think I have gotten the dog depressed too. He is on my schedule; but because I work 2 jobs, he only gets out for a short time during the day (I don't have a fence nor do we have any dog parks around my area).

I will take your suggestions though; I don't like the meds either, so I think I will go with the counseling (this is why I stopped the meds before..because it was making me different and I would rather learn to work through these type of things vs. medicating; which is random and temporary etc. anyway.

Noel


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Depression is hard. It can get better - but you'll need to change things.

Anon is absolutely correct...please also start exercising. Exercise is usually more effective than meds. Seriously. Just pretend you'll die if you stay in all day. The dog will thank you.  The 7-minute workout is good for cardio. Long walks in sunlight are good for everything else.

Meds aren't bad...and do have measurable effects even without therapy...but finding a set of meds that work is a long and painful process because they take a month to take effect and people tend to acclimate to them. Therapy is good too.

Meds basically give your mind a bit more endurance, or dull your sensitivity. Therapy helps you be nicer to your brain.

Two jobs? That sounds tiring.

Lastly, socialization is important. Solitary confinement will break anyone eventually. Maybe join a local hiking club and kill 2 birds with one stone? Failing that - there are support groups for depressed people.

Best Wishes, Argyle


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

Thank you Argyle. I know what you are saying is true and I know that it will make me feel better; but it seems that I need to get the motivation to get started-that seems to be the hardest part. Between that and finding time to make it count. 

Anyway, after posting the other day, I found a counselor that actually sponsors a womans support group..I made my first appointment for a couple of weeks from now. It was funny because when she called me to establish a rapport and discuss fees and scheduling, we didn't even introduce ourselves, I just started talking to her like she was an old friend. I think then is when I realized, I really need to get out and socialize more...just to have someone to listen and talk to; even if it is about nothing. I have secluded myself for so long; almost as if I had the feeling I was supposed to be punished for something I did but didn't recognize. I know I need to stop punishing myself for something I had no control over and the control that I did have that I took the initiative on was the same any strong woman with nothing to lose would have done (kicking him out of the house for lying and being deceitful if nothing more). 

I seem to be having a good/strong day today; unlike past few days, when I have been replaying moments, comments etc. and reliving the pain in my head and my heart; with no explainable reason.

I think I am realizing that I truly feel that my last comments to my ex may have been my last comments to him for life...and I think that makes things easier for me. I love him but respect that we are not good for one another and the only way I can deal with the emotional disaster that was created is to not communicate with him. I have done well so far and hopefully will continue on that path; cause once either of us make contact again, it is going to go horribly wrong and/or I am going to fall back into the same patterns which are unhealthy (also horribly wrong). 

I have started walking the stairs at work (vs the elevator) and I have gotten up a little bit earlier the past couple of days and let the dog walk around a little longer. My home is dark when I get home and I think that drains me of energy; so I have gone out and gotten some more timers for my lights and my stereo...I hope I don't scare myself with the stereo;0)

Anyway, enough rambling, thanks for listening and your thoughts/guidance. Very much appreciated...


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