# She doesn't want to "O"? ??



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Quick question for you folks here... my wife is ND/LD - she'll never initiate. I'm HD. We are both each others first sexual partners. In the beginning, and still to some degree, she thinks that some acts in sex is gross... me going down on her for one. because of this, i never spent time down there, as it was against her wishes. Until recently, it really started to bother me that she didn't enjoy sex, and that she's never orgasmed. 

I've asked her before, that she doesn't want to. She thinks she doesn't need it, and I get the feeling that if she did have it, just once, that her drive would change. Who doesn't want to orgasm? 

How do i get her to open up, to be comfortable with this? I got her close once, a few years back, and she stopped me assumably close to when she was going to go. 

She finds pleasure to some degree, she says it feels nice, but I don't think she's letting herself be completely comfortable and open sexually. 

How do I fix this? It's really important to me, not for my enjoyment, but for hers.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Get her tipsy.... drunk enough to loosen up and go a bit crazy.. but not so drunk that she is. gone mentally... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think you can fix this. Maybe other women are different but for me an O is mental. So either I want it enough to work for it, let it happen or I don't. So when you say you got her close and she stopped that's exactly what I'm saying. I have to LET IT GO or it doesn't happen.

I've had more than my share of nights where I've lost it mentally and it's all over.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

^ but you've at least had it... she hasn't even once. there has got to be a way... i was considering sex therapy once we get some other issues figured out, but i think that might be a bit forward for her. insulting maybe... so it's something i'd like to handle in the bedroom. 

i was thinking hitachi wand... but you are right, she has to want it. so how does that mental thought process start for someone that's never had it before?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can't make her but can you sell her on the idea? Does she have any idea what she's missing?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol well for me I used to be that way due to anxiety and overthinking things. I was only able to experience it after having a few drinks to help relax me. Of course like mavash said... its something she has to want so maybe discuss ideas with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DiegoQuin (Aug 14, 2012)

Maybe other women are different but for me an O is mental.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

If she feels that she is being pressured to have an orgasm, she never will. And if she has never had one, she may fear that she unable to. I guarantee you she is feeling a lot of anxiety about this, and nothing crushes one's sexual confidence more than anxiety in the bedroom.

The best advice I can offer is that she first needs to grant herself the freedom and privacy to explore herself alone. Without you. Time and time again. If she can bring herself to orgasm consistently by herself, and learn what works for her and that she will survive the loss of control, she will gain confidence.

Try to give her gentle encouragement to self-explore in a non-anxious way. And please DO NOT hover, asking "how did it go?" when she emerges from the bathtub or wherever she has been. Her time alone must be utterly private and respected by you. No pressure, or she might not be able to do it.

If she can gain confidence, she will gradually be able to bring that confidence to the marital bed.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I suspect she is afraid of losing control. She is choosing not to orgasm so she can stay in control. I think she needs to somehow get over her fear. I can't imagine she's not missing out on something.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I suspect she is afraid of losing control. She is choosing not to orgasm so she can stay in control. I think she needs to somehow get over her fear. I can't imagine she's not missing out on something.


This could be the case. My wife likes to be in control of stuff, and to have an orgasm requires her to "let go." When we make love, if she wants to have an orgasm, she will do it herself as we make love. I have TRIED to help her, or to give her an O by hand or by mouth, and she seems to get impatient or frustrated if I don't do it just right, and doesn't like to provide any tips or talk about sex at all. She's not really inhibited in terms of what she does, she does does't like to talk about it. I wish she would. I have noticed that when she has had a few drinks she becomes very sexually uninhibited, passionate -- it seems she IS able to let her guard down, but she then kind of denies it later as if she is ashamed of what she did. 

All I know about her is that she is Catholic, and comes from a 
fairly puritanical mother and grandmother. I suspect the notion of enjoying sex was NOT discussed very often. She says she didn't have an orgasm until well into her first marriage, and lack of sexual satisfaction drove her to an affair that ended the marriage. She remarried and divorced because the guy was a cheater (surprise!).

We met years later; aside from her somewhat odd approach to the O and some occaisional HD/LD differences, we have a fulfilling sex life. I just wish, sincerely, that she would let ME help her enjoy herself. Ironically, I came out of a marriage where my ex essentially made me reluctant to come, especially orally. 

My wife was able to mostly undo the damage brought on by my ex … and has had to teach me how to "let go" to allow me to come and really enjoy myself without feeling obligated to do a 1:1 afterwards. I just want to reciprocate.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Get her tipsy.... drunk enough to loosen up and go a bit crazy.. but not so drunk that she is. gone mentally... lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol....that usually works..








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> ^ but you've at least had it... she hasn't even once. there has got to be a way... i was considering sex therapy once we get some other issues figured out, but i think that might be a bit forward for her. insulting maybe... so it's something i'd like to handle in the bedroom.
> 
> i was thinking hitachi wand... but you are right, she has to want it. so how does that mental thought process start for someone that's never had it before?


Never had an "O" until I used a "wand" - some women need a jackhammer


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