# does anyone else ever feel like this?



## SimplyTrying (Jun 29, 2012)

i recently found out i am manic depressive bipolar. In may my husband hit me with the I love you but not IN LOVE with you, speech... well we spent a week apart before deciding that we wanted to try to work it out. Well a month of celexa and trazadone and i dont feel depressed anymore but i am pissed off all the time my mood swings are HORRIFIC and i just feel aggravated and frustrated all the time. Along with that i am sexually frustrated, he only wants to heve sex when HE wants it and me being more sexual i want it as much as i can get it. NOT an addict i just like the pleasure and the intimacy because HE NEVER NEVER NEVER pays me any attention. along with this we have a 3 yr old little girl whom i take care of all day long while he sits in the bedroom and plays video games. while i am in the living room all day dealing with the household as a whole. sometimes i feel frustrated that I am the one doing everything all the time and i dont feel like my marriage is rewarding because i dont get anything from it.i dont know if it is the medications making me feel this way, or if this is actually just NOT working but sometimes i feel like i dont want him here. like why should i even bother anymore. so basically now i feel like the tables have turned. i am exhausted with my life and just feel like i love him, but dont feel in love because i have so much anger frustration and resentment all aimed at him. Is this me? or can this be fixed?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

First of all talk to your doctor about the meds you are taking and ask if its possible they are making you feel the way you do. What was the reason he gave you for not being IN love with you anymore?


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## SimplyTrying (Jun 29, 2012)

he did not specify a reason he simply says he didnt know why. we are back together now, and i went to the psychiatrist today and he took me off trazadone and gave me amtriptoline 50Mg at night to help with insomnia...which obviously still isnt wroking since i took it around 9pm and it is now 2am. :/ i also talked to him about the aggravations and frustrations and he said we have to regulate my sleeping pattern before we can fix those symptoms because they could be from sleep deprivation due to anxiety. sooooo, it may be that but it may not be that either, i am just worried because i feed off of my husbands emotions alot. if he is treating me badly or mad or sad about something. it throws my emotions for a loop and it makes me feel low. His reactions to my emotions are not what you would call normal or supportive, (ie. i get angry, so he gets angry at me, or i cry, and he gets angry at me,) but every time he shows me anger or indifference it sends me spiraling or bottling my emotions until the cork pops off and i cant take it anymore. which leads to self mutilation (cutting) or suicidal thoughts ( "i am pathetic and dont deserve love, so i should kill myself and be done with it") are just a few of my thoughts.**I AM NOT SUICIDAL NOW** i am just giving examples of how his emotions affect me. But like i said in my original post, i dont feel like this anymore, instead i am a little ticked or and resentful of him. almost disgusted at times, however, tomight i dont feel that way. tonight i am fine, just feel indifferent like nothing could bother me. so this is my dilemma, sometimes i feel like i hate my spouse and just want him gone and sometimes i feel alright and it doesnt bother me either way, then other times i feel like i would die of a broken heart if anything happened. so thats why i was asking if anyone else was going through something similar with depression and anxiety disorders. because i dont have a clear view on "normal" anymore, and it scares me a little bit.


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## Molly777 (Jun 26, 2012)

I've never heard of anyone having so many of the same feelings 
as myself! I feel like, I'm exploding from the inside--out, sometimes. Done--Dr's, medicine's--finally--menopause, for 20 years. The mind games,it makes you think & think--some women go crazy. I've been married for 37 years--it takes two people who are totally in love with each other to make it. You both try your hardest--if it works, great--if not, you don't have to wonder.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like you both may have some anger issues. I'm not sure why he gets mad at you or makes you cry. However, it seems your emotions are in his hands. Never let another person control how you feel or react. I hope that while you're on these medications you are also in some kind of therapy, medications alone never just help, because once you take those meds away or stop them you are still left with not knowing how to deal with or handle your emotions. You to learn some good coping skills through therapy, and stay on your meds as long as your doctor tells you too.


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## SimplyTrying (Jun 29, 2012)

i am counceling with medications. so i am hoping to take some of the best out of that. i would do anything to have my emotions level out. it is so confusing having so many feelings going in a cyle. love and hate are both very powerful emotions and it really sucks going back and forth between the two all the time.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Well both of you sound very much in love wether you believe it or not. 

Your frustrations (individually) may be caused by not reaching what you expected so far. So they may be goal oriented

Stress comes from the usual issues
1. Not getting what you expect from a partner
2. One is pulling more weight than the other
3. Money issues
4. Work around the house not equal
5. Friends (even though I don't think this is in your case).

Do either of you work? You stated that you work around the house all day while he plays video games all day?

Well yeah you would get burnt out from this wouldn't you

Both of you need to make changes in the positive way or it will never work . 

Hobbies . Positive hobbies like gardening, drawing, writing, sowing, reading, etc will help relieve stress and lead you to feel better about yourself

Work- if either of you work, give an honest effort. Feel proud of what you do

Exercise- stay healthy, relieves stress and you'll look and feel better

Make small changes. There many that you will want to change if you stay focused and really look

Such as cleaning habits, self grooming, cooking, attitude towards something , 

There is no miracle cure but if you try, everyday you will get better 

I think the problem is the love within you. The love for yourself that's the problem not your husband. Once you fix that you'll see more clearly.

Another thing. He may not want to change. He may think he is doing everything right.

But playing video games all day doesn't sound to attractive to women. At least that's my point of view. 

I'm a man so not sure ladies am I right?
Maybe he needs to grow up Iike I'm doing.

When my wife left I learned the hard way. I saw my faults and decided to work on them.

About to graduate school, have two jobs, paying bills exercising, getting closer to my family

Etc. those are good changes that you can never go wrong with.

Hope this helps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyTrying (Jun 29, 2012)

just an update as of this moment. i appreciate all the input, but sometimes i just dont know at all.. like i said sometimes i just feel like i would probably be better without him. I think its sad that i depend on him for happiness and alot of his moods determine mine. ie he is angry and i get angry etc etc. we go no where with areguments and he has said himself alot of times he looks for reasons to be mad at me or looks for faults. i dont know why he does this because in our 4 years of marriage he is the one who has been unfaithful, not me. and it is always him that says he is unsure of wanting to be with me. and now i am just drained emotionally to the point that i am starting to wish he would just go, but i know it would hurt like hell if he really did. i just wish he would be remorseful or act like i mattered to him in one way or another. why act like if i were to go it would be no big deal at all? its hurtful to not feel valued.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

SimplyTrying said:


> just an update as of this moment. i appreciate all the input, but sometimes i just dont know at all.. like i said sometimes i just feel like i would probably be better without him. I think its sad that i depend on him for happiness and alot of his moods determine mine. ie he is angry and i get angry etc etc. we go no where with areguments and he has said himself alot of times he looks for reasons to be mad at me or looks for faults. i dont know why he does this because in our 4 years of marriage he is the one who has been unfaithful, not me. and it is always him that says he is unsure of wanting to be with me. and now i am just drained emotionally to the point that i am starting to wish he would just go, but i know it would hurt like hell if he really did. i just wish he would be remorseful or act like i mattered to him in one way or another. why act like if i were to go it would be no big deal at all? its hurtful to not feel valued.


Ther is no magical dust that will fix your issues.

Read the last post I put up. That post will help you. You may want an easy way out. Sorry there isn't any. 

Time, focus and dedication. 
Positive changes
Like hobbies. Exercise, work, etc

Start doing things you enjoy. 
If he loves you, then he will change. But if you do not force change, well then your both going to be stuck on misery lane for a very very very very long time. Read other posts. Read other advice. Read other sites. Research expert opinions etc. 

It will all say the same thing. You must focus and love yourself. And intern he should do the same. 

You are afraid because you are living on past memories and experiences with him (lovey dubbie stage) but now you have this and you are unhappy.

If and when you (yes you and only you) decide to be strong enough to love yourself. It's when things will change.

It's just weird how women are so attached to what their partner feels. (if he's angry then your angry. If he's happy so are you. Etc). 

You don't know it yet but if you force him to look at himself and demand change or you'll leave. 

You will win.

Wether he does or doesn't, it does not matter because you chose happiness over misery. The choice is yours. 

He needs to (do this list and check what applies to him)

Get a job
Help around the house
Help with kids
Do productive things with his time. (video games are not productive but maybe 30 min a day is not bad) weekends maybe 2 hours a day. Or so it depends on your plans etc
Spend quality time with you
Less time with friends
Less drinking
More communication about feelings

A relationship is about being the best you can be to offer the person you love the best YOU possible. Anything less is selfish.

My wife left me 10 months ago. And everyday In my prayers I thank her because I was blind to see how I was neglecting her.
And myself.

Now I'm productive and focus on building myself more each and everyday. 

I love her with all my heart and if one day I can be with her again then I will show her my love . How? Easy be the best partner possible (financially, physically,emotionally, best listener etc)

And if she never comes back, well at least I changed and will be able to offer all this to someone else. But the love has to come from you first.

You want to be a victim? (oh I love him but he treats me bad and doesn't help and doesn't this and that).
Then you'll never progress

If you one day realize that your life is slipping away then that's when you'll start becoming happy again

I'm sorry but this is the truth

Show tough love and if he loves you he will change
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyTrying (Jun 29, 2012)

thanks ferndog alot of your input has helped me more than you know. I am i guess the point that i was trying to make is that i feel like i am a yo-yo of emotions and i know its not ALL him. I am not goint to be a victim because i stay because i do love him and our daughter very much and loving him like i do i want to believe that he can change or i can help him in some way or another. but he is not the kind of person that can be forced. tough love only works on certain types of people. and he is not that guy. he is not the man that would try to fight for me or worry if i said i was going to leave. he is the kind of guy that would let me go, never show me one emotion, and find comfort in screwing anything that moves. but my only point was to find out if anyone else ever felt like i am feeling because like i said i could list my many many many problems in my marriage, but that would be too much to try to deal with right now. right now my main concern is me, and the medicine that i am on and how i an cycling through all these different emotions and how one minute i am so completely taken by him and in love with him then the next minute i am sickened and filled with rage towards him. This alone is putting my marriage through alot, and it makes me sad that my little girl is in the middle of an emotional battle field. I want to make me better so that all of my marriage problems will become clearer. because right now, I know that i am causing some of them then the main issue is me going back and forth between love and hate. what do i really want and why do i look at him one second and love him so deeply that my bones ache, then the next minute i am so hateful that i could wish i never met him. i am trying different meds and hoping that i level out sometime soon, and i am still working on my sleeping.. but its been 2 months so far since my treatment plant has started, and still am up and down. so i was just wondering if there were any coping methods that could be shared. thats all...


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

True everyone is different and everyone reacts different to certain things.

One really good thing you are doing is accepting your part in this and trying to fix yourself. You know your husband I don't so you would know better.

I have son's questions and comments that may help you.

Write a list of what you like/ love about yourself and husband(try to list small details also that you like)
Example "I like my smile, I love that I'm honest" etc

Then write things you want to change about yourself and husband
"I need to exercise more, I need to be a better listener" etc

Each day try to focus and really change
Then talk to your husband about your concerns and consider therapy

Do you love yourself?
Can you see yourself happy the way your relationship is?
Do you believe your husband loves you?
What can you do to improve as a person. Mother, wife?
What don't you like about your husband?
Why is he worth fighting for?
What does he do to trigger your hate?
How does he show you he cares and loves you?

There are many more questions but by exploring these is a good start.

Im pretty sure your feeling helpless.

He is distant doesn't show you he cares or loves you. He doesn't help much. He is needy. He does not tell you what he is thinking. He doesn't include you in conversations as much (not engaging)
He doesn't show emotions and he doesn't want to talk much.

You love him but yet you feel alone. Like you are stuck and he doesn't want to try.

Men usually shut down and try to solve problems without bothering their partner. And woman are true and want to help but they want their men to be supportive and show affection.

Not sure what to tell you but if he doesn't want to fix the issues then how can you ever truly be happy? 
Truth is you need communication.

You have to talk to him tell him what you feel. That you love him but you feel like both of you can do more. Do it. 

You want happiness then you must talk to him.

No matter what happens. Always love yourself. If he doesn't want to improve well don't let that stop your progress.

I'm proud of you accepting your faults and you'll do great fixing them. Just remain focused
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## burgh_mom (Jul 9, 2012)

ferndog said:


> A relationship is about being the best you can be to offer the person you love the best YOU possible. Anything less is selfish.
> 
> My wife left me 10 months ago. And everyday In my prayers I thank her because I was blind to see how I was neglecting her.
> And myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fabulous encouragement from an insightful mind. I love where you are now, and hope to get there too. Thanks ferndog! You will certainly be a blessing to your mate and she will be lucky to have you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SimplyTrying said:


> i was asking if anyone else was going through something similar with depression and anxiety disorders. because i don't have a clear view on "normal" anymore, and it scares me a little bit.


ST, you mention nothing about getting therapy to supplement the medication the psychiatrist is prescribing for you. Are you also seeing a good clinical psychologist who can teach you skills such as self calming, living "in the present," and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings? I ask because, if your issues include strong BPD traits in addition to bipolar, the medication will not make a dent in those BPD traits. 

Significantly, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD. Moreover, another recent study (pub 2004) found that most people who do cutting -- as you've done -- are women suffering from BPD. I therefore encourage you to speak with a psychologist about therapy that would address any issues you may have in addition to the bipolar disorder.

I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found ten clear differences between the two disorders.

*One difference* is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _hating you_. This flipping between loving and hating (called "black-white thinking") may answer your question, "Why do i look at him one second and love him so deeply that my bones ache, then the next minute i am so hateful that i could wish i never met him?

*A second difference* is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums.

*A third difference* is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

*A fourth difference* is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.

*A fifth difference* is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry. This may explain, then, why you still have so many issues even after taking the meds (alternatively, you may not have found the right med or the correct dosage yet).

*A sixth difference* is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior.

*A seventh difference* is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which seems consistent with your description.

*An eight difference* is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push the spouse away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that BPD sufferers tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together. You do not comment on this.

*A ninth difference* is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting the spouse's intentions and motivations. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings. You do not make this distinction but it is something worth considering.

*Finally, a tenth difference* is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust the spouse. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves.


> I want to make me better so that all of my marriage problems will become clearer.


Again, I suggest you obtain treatment from a psychologist who can teach you the necessary coping skills. If my description of BPD traits rings a bell and you want more information, I recommend you start participating (or at least lurking) at _BPDrecovery.com_. It is targeted to folks having strong BPD traits (regardless of whether those traits are strong enough to meet the diagnostic threshold for "having full blown BPD"). 

Finally, I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits _all nine_ of the BPD traits. These traits become a problem only when they are strong enough to distort one's perception of other peoples' intentions -- thereby undermining close LTRs. Take care, ST. I wish the very best for you and your H.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

burgh_mom said:


> Fabulous encouragement from an insightful mind. I love where you are now, and hope to get there too. Thanks ferndog! You will certainly be a blessing to your mate and she will be lucky to have you.


Yes the road is hard but a focused and determined person can change. It takes time dedication and work and a genuine look at what one is not happy with. I have come along way with steady but constant work. I'm not who I aspire to be but I continue to work on me. 

I believe some don't change because it's easier to blame others and suppress the real problems. I was a mess but I wanted change for myself and Im getting there.

People do not change over night. But yes it can be done.

Just remain true and remember you can only control your actions so try to be the best you can and you will never dissapoint yourself or your shadow. 



I have to play water balloons with my nieces now. Have a good one and stay focused
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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