# What was the hardest part...



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

...of your divorce?

I'd imagine, many will say money. If there are children, maybe it was the effect on them. Still, some might worry that it's not the "right" thing to do, or that they will be judged.

So, what was the worst thing for you? Did you have regrets or feel relief of finally being done with it?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

2 things for me, firstly doing 50/50 shared care. We started off with full week on/off but I could not cope so we now still do 50/50 but break the week up so it is not so long without seeing the kids.

The other thing was having to tell people and hearing "oh I am so sorry" time after time. No one expected it, we were the dream couple and all around us were shocked. I hated feeling like I needed to console people when I told them.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

hardest things about it for me was(is):

1)the hit to my self esteem - it wasn't very good to begin with, it is crippling now - I'm working through it but it is fricken hard (for me)

2) the intimacy - I don't mean the sex, that part I miss a whole lot, but just having a whole other person that is a part of you whom you share every event with. In its place I now have severe loneliness, the feeling of going to bed alone every night is overwhelming sometimes.

3) losing the cohesive family with strong bonds, co-parenting is going as good as it can, but still it is two single parents raising a child alone half the time, not even close to the same dynamic that happens in one family, like Holland said it is so long to go days without seeing your children, and then it is tough to be the lone parent for the days with the children. my child's mother and I have actually split the week and alternated weekends like Holland is doing now, but we just switched to full week each and tomorrow evening will be six days without my son (will be the longest I've ever gone without seeing him).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The co-parenting and custody dispute which continued off and on for 6 years.

Losing my in-laws. My BIL/SIL (his brother and wife) saw the abuse and encouraged me to leave. My ex actually sent his own brother a C&D letter prohibiting them from contacting us. These are the only cousins my daughter will ever have and he poisoned her against them because they sided with me. Now my daughter dislikes them all. It's really sad to me.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Losing my best friend to a woman 20 years younger than me.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Worst:
1. Losing friend of 25 years...
2. Missing our 20th Wedding Anniversary by ONE year....
3. The separation after 25 years from her family and the support therein...
4. Losing almost all my friends....hearing, " I will let you know..." and never hearing back.....
5. Dragging my partners and my own family through this episode in my life and watching them see my pain...
6. Realizing that I should have done something a long Freakin Time ago about my EX and her BS
7. Trying to get the dent out of my finger where the wedding band sat without removal for 19 years
8. Explaining to my new love the mistakes I made in that marriage
9. Trying to be a single Dad for the first time and keep everyone else happy at the same time
10. Losing out on my Sister-In-Laws baking, her cakes and her pastries, the cookies....sigghhhhhhhh


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

The first couple of weeks and having to tell everyone - people genuinely thought we were bombproof, I cried every time I told someone new

Having to hand over a considerable amount of cash and watch him just drop everything and walk away with it

Realising I wasted my 20's and most of my 30's on such a loser


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> The first couple of weeks and having to tell everyone - people genuinely thought we were bombproof, I cried every time I told someone new
> 
> Having to hand over a considerable amount of cash and watch him just drop everything and walk away with it
> 
> Realising I wasted my 20's and most of my 30's on such a loser


It's funny you said that: we were the "Married Couple" too! I used to brag to people about how rock-solid we were, how Divorce wasn't an option in our world...LOL
So yah...people were shocked and you're right, it was hard that part for sure, having to tell and explain...ripped me apart inside everytime...now it's, Good Riddance!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He's a mean-a** manipulative liar, a real Loki, a pro at it. So the worst part is having people he knows look at me funny, and I can see on their faces they are trying hard to reconcile what they've been told by their 'trusted' friend, and what they see/feel on their own. I feel sorry for them, but it's useless to try to clear things up. I live in a small town and so it will only be a matter of time, maybe a lot of time, before I am known for who I am and not who he tries to make me out to be. I figure quality people would ask me directly if what he says is true...but then again they probably don't want to upset me by having to repeat what it is he says about me. 

It's a 2-edged sword, really. The other issue is carrying the ickiness of having been married to someone who ended up raping me and also took pictures of me against my specific request when I was skyping with him to be a good wife when he was deployed even though I had already found out about his cheating and lying, so that the marriage wouldn't fail because of my lack of participation in it.

The whole thing is now a part of my history, and I will have to explain it to anyone I marry and want a family life with. Being a rape victim sucks.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dumpedandhappy said:


> It's funny you said that: we were the "Married Couple" too! I used to brag to people about how rock-solid we were, how Divorce wasn't an option in our world...LOL
> So yah...people were shocked and you're right, it was hard that part for sure, having to tell and explain...ripped me apart inside everytime...now it's, Good Riddance!!


Oh yeah... I also have the distinction of being the first person on both sides of my entire family history of divorcing - though I guess I do live up to my namesake great-grandfather whom had two families - one in England and one in Canada where he escaped to from his first one after the war and wed my great-grandmother - married twice but never divorced, so even though he has the distinction of being a polygamist I have the honors of being the first divorcee. I ended the perfect streak that all my relatives were so proud of.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Lon, I was hoping that our marriage would set a better trend for all the young kids, since every marriage now for me and my brothers has ended in divorce. 

It has sent a message though to them: divorce is just as much a part of life as anything else. 

I am sure none of them will try getting married without first vetting the potential candidates with myself and the Uncles.

LOL


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Coming back from the brink 5yrs ago after infidelity...me telling my friends and people who didn't think I should R with him "Oh things are so much better. Our marriage is so much stronger. We learned so much and are growing together"

Only to now be divorcing b/c he decided to stray again...

So I guess the hardest part of my divorce is realizing I should have left 5yrs ago instead of just prolonging the inevitable. My gut is laughing at me b/c it knew all along....


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## Snookums (Nov 6, 2012)

My biggest issue was actually approaching my parents to let them know what I wanted to do. I was more worried about letting them down then actually wanting the divorce. They took the news well and weren't surprised at all and were very encouraging as they ended up telling me they could tell I was unhappy. 

After breaking the news to them the rest was just a huge relief. Life continued to get much better from that point on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

vi_bride, that would be a humbling experience forsure - but you would never have known unless you tried, and there is always risks in life so don't regret those 5 years instead take your hard earned lesson and realize it will save you from more wasted years if your stbxh was trying to feign remorse yet again. Now use the opportunity to reconcile your relationship with your gut


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Lon said:


> vi_bride, that would be a humbling experience forsure - but you would never have known unless you tried, and there is always risks in life so don't regret those 5 years instead take your hard earned lesson and realize it will save you from more wasted years if your stbxh was trying to feign remorse yet again. Now use the opportunity to reconcile your relationship with your gut


I totally agree with these points and don't regret anything I learned about marriage, cheaters, and myself during those 5yrs.

I would like to say, R is going pretty good with my gut right now. There was been full disclosure on my part, as well as accountability. It's taken a few months but I think my gut is finally breaking down some walls to allow me back in. My actions back up my words and that helps


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Initially the hardest issue for me was trying to understand how the woman I was married to could lay with another man and then come home and kiss the kids and I good night. 

Once I got over that my biggest regret at the divorce was the loss of our future family unit and how now everything was divided, graduations, vacations, weddings, grandkids and so forth, that family core of husband, wife and the kids is gone forever, to me that is incredibly sad.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Mine was paying for an $17k engagement ring, $5,000 honeymoon, paying off $6,000 in car loan and credit card debt of hers and spending money like it was going out of style, taking out the entire balance of our joint checking account to the tune of $4,900, etc., etc., for only 14 months marriage.

She wanted to upgrade the 2.25ct center stone to at least a 3ct one for our 5 year anniversary and said I had to "compensate" her for being married to her and wanted a divorce due to her controlling and non-compromising nature. 

And yet she still felt she was "wronged". I simply saw her for who she was, put down my boundaries to which she later called the police and placed false charges on me in order to try and further control me. I left the next morning and protected my assets. Even though I could pursue $6,000 or so that is legally joint property that she won't return, I'm willing to take the hit just to be done with her.

I know not all women are like this, but damn, now that my eyes are open, I've met several female neighbors that are similar to her. All divorced.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

......seeing my kids pain.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I agree with Cooper, although there was no cheating I am aware of, its the future I miss the most. I had the past, and it was good, could have used some improvement but not worth throwing it all away for. We will share grandkids and daughter in laws, but not together. I miss just coming home and having company, I miss the person who knows my history without me having to tell the story.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Losing the person who always tried weird,crazy foods and restaurants with me. Losing the person who never hesitated to watch any movie,all genres,and even teared up at the sappy parts.Losing my gossip buddy,losing my friend.

But looking back,he wasn't really a good friend to me for more reasons than I care to dredge up from the past.

So did I really lose anything worth mourning? Probably not.

I do miss my home and am trying to find peace with the purchase of my new fixer upper home. If I had to pinpoint THE HARDEST THING it would be losing my home to him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The worst thing was the emotional trauma and roller coaster. Knowing that you can be so close to someone and then not. Seeing a public declaration of your relationship (wedding) all fade away. This entire LIFE you had disentegrating before your very eyes. Knowing that vows are just some words and don't mean jack to some people. Just words that you look back on and think, "Was any of it real?"

Emotionally, it was so fvcked up for me. Everything that I knew as my day to day life was simply gone. I used to wake up thinking "Omg is this really happening?"

A lot of people say money was the hardest thing, and I get that. But to me, you can't put a price on your heart and emotions and the absolute psychological mindfvck that a divorce causes. 

They say you haven't lived until you've been through a divorce and I think it's true.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The worst thing was the emotional trauma and roller coaster. Knowing that you can be so close to someone and then not. Seeing a public declaration of your relationship (wedding) all fade away. This entire LIFE you had disentegrating before your very eyes. Knowing that vows are just some words and don't mean jack to some people. Just words that you look back on and think, "Was any of it real?"
> 
> Emotionally, it was so fvcked up for me. Everything that I knew as my day to day life was simply gone. I used to wake up thinking "Omg is this really happening?"
> 
> ...


That seems so true at the moment. I don't think any other situation could have taught me so much about myself and love in general...


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

I totally agree with that comment,"They say you haven't lived until you've been through a divorce and I think it's true. "

I have learned a lot about my strengths and my weaknesses. I have learned a lot about family and friends. 

I have learned that nothing in life is "for-sure". 

I have grown-up.... a little...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> ......................
> 
> A lot of people say money was the hardest thing, and I get that. But to me, you can't put a price on your heart and emotions and the absolute psychological mindfvck that a divorce causes.
> 
> *They say you haven't lived until you've been through a divorce and I think it's true*.


Oh I so get this, didn't at the time but I do now. I consider myself to be very happily divorced. It was going through this major life changing experience that has put me on the path to living life how I want to. I finally know what I want in a relationship and out of life. I really am living now, not just existing


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