# Too far gone, checked out....can that truly happen?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I have felt this and seen a few post the same. It is real? Can someone be mentally, emotionally exhausted and checked out to not have the strenght to try?

I go back to 8yrs ago. More and more I self talk, read, try to educate, the more my H distances, due to saying he is trying to give me space, the more I resent. I find myself resenting the little things. I feel possibly I'm just full of anger, wether at self, H, life in general. I see my dd full of anger and lashing out. I'm stuck in failure mode. Depression, yes. Wanting to be alone A LOT. Feel better when it's just me and my daughter. No other feelings, worries, expectations to worry about. 

Any thoughts on an IC who is a LISW, MSW? I'm told that means licensed independent social worker? Financially I cannot just go around finding one here or there. I want someone for me and for me and my dd. I can't meet the expectations or needs of my H. I have for many, many years and all his suggestions, advice, and what not...I literally find reason into what he says of why I 'don't' like it. I've turned into a horrible person depressed person.


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## porter23 (Apr 28, 2011)

I am totally in the same place. Of course, my husband had a lot to do with where I am today. But, I feel the same way...checked out, too far gone, he's been making changes but it makes me even more angry because I had been asking for these changes years ago. Not only that, but I feel like he's only changing those things he can control. Other changes he just can't make. 

I feel your need to be alone. I feel it everyday. I just want to be alone with my kids. I feel trapped! I'm seeing an IC and we are seeing a MC together.


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

If you have insurance you should check through there first for an approved therapist or doctor. I visit one personally and we just started couples therapy.

My Dr. helped me realize I probably have had a form of ADHD all my life and this has really open up my eyes to many of my communication and relationship challenges (that's putting it mildly).

I did want to continue the marriage, but my wife said she just didn't want to work on it. After awhile I realized that maybe by separating we could have a better relationship and be better parents (the ultimate goal for me)

Its still too early to tell if this is going to work, but we're hopeful.


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

porter23 said:


> ... but I feel like he's only changing those things he can control. Other changes he just can't make...


Not sure if I understand what you mean, but people can only change what they can control.


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## porter23 (Apr 28, 2011)

rebootingnow said:


> Not sure if I understand what you mean, but people can only change what they can control.


I know its doesn't make a lot of sense. Let me try to explain. One of our problems is the fact that he exaggerates everything to either convince me of something or sway me in one direction or another. This is something everyone knows, his family, his friends, everyone. And as much as he tries to control this, he can't. He sees things, remembers things, and hears things differently then everyone else. Eight years of this has pushed me to the point where I don't trust anything he says. And I can never trust his motivation behind these statements. Because he's doing it, unconsciously, to get what he wants.

Another thing is comments that he makes because of his background and upbringing. I grew up in a household where we valued each other and didn't dwell so much on what we didn't have. His family has money so he didn't have to worry about it. So, he often makes comments about what I didn't have. His views on life come from this background and he often questions my views because they are not like his. And although he says he's working on this, he can't help how he was raised or the views he has from his upbringing. I try hard to be patient and understanding about this, but after eight years I have started to feel like we are very different in our views on life and where we both want to be in the future. I have lived in his world for a long time and I know I'm not comfortable in it. And he can say that he wants what I want, but I don't think he will feel totally fulfilled. I know there might be a compromise, but I'm doubtful.

Ugh, I know a lot of our current problems are internal in me. I'm working on it. I'm seeing an IC, but its also very hard to get back from "Too far gone, checked out."


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

P23 - From what you're saying, its more like he's being manipulative than anything. 

I think seeing an IC is great. I have been seeing one for about six months and it's really helped me. This person was the first to think I really wasn't depressed, but had some other issues, which brought on the depression. This has been a huge eye-opener for me. 

I know this sounds cheesy, but I'd check out the 7 habits book by Stephen Covey. He's got some really good insight about letting toxic comments or behavior from other people roll right off you and not hurt. I have the full book on my iPod and its great to revisit once and awhile.


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## porter23 (Apr 28, 2011)

RB - maybe it is manipulating, but the therapists that I have seen have said that he is unaware of a lot of the stuff he tends to do. I intend to bring up this exaggerating at our next couples therapy.

Thank you for the book suggestion, but should I let those toxic comments roll off my back when they are made by my husband? And maybe they are not toxic, maybe I'm just over sensitive to those comments?


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

P23 - The book talks a lot about this and much better I can do in a quick reply. It's more about empowering you and changing your view vs. waiting for your H to change. The bottom line is if you've expressed your displeasure for these toxic remarks, but he continues to do it. What can you really do about it? You have to decide how this affects you, and how you allow it to affect you. Its not about him. You have the control to ignore it, or let it roll of you. For example, If you don't respond to the toxic comments, he'll probably stop because he's not getting the reaction from you he wanted. So, you changing the way you perceive and react to him, will get him to change. 

I'd go see if your library has the CDs or tapes and play them on the way to work. Or when you're working out. Won't cost you thing but a little time.


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