# The latest from the wife - need input please?



## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Just heard from my wife. We've been separated two months and she says it will likely be several months before she is ready to reconcile.

What does that mean?

From a woman's point of view does reconciliation mean we are back together?

Or does it mean it will be several months before she is even ready to begin talking with me?

The last two months have been the hardest of my life, hands-down.

How do I survive going forward knowing that this process is likely just STARTING?

When a couple divorces, the pain is greater... no question about it. But there is a finality to it.

In the case of this separation, there is the carrot on the stick that we will reconcile. So with that hope in mind I don't know how to separate my heart from hers and move forward with my life.

I would appreciate any useful input regarding these questions.

Thanks!

PJ


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Phil - what caused her to go? Look deep and ask questions. If she can offer any insight, maybe it's her - maybe it's you. Could be a lot of little somethings that finally built up and caused a lot of resentment. Women hang onto these things sometimes until it blows. 

Take a chance and work on yourself anyway, because that's the only person you can control or change. 

Go to the gym if you don't already - or walk. Get out - meet other people - hang out with guy friends. Go to counseling. Go to church - be the best YOU you can be. 

Work on increasing the Love Kindlers and decreasing the Love Extinguishers. Don't beg or plead or cry in her presence. Man up - regardless of the outcome. BE confident in yourself and all that you do - even if you're shaking in your boots with fear. Fear won't kill you. Have the courage to wait that few months. Build her faith in you with your consistent actions. 

Good luck and if you need a friend PM me.


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> Phil - what caused her to go? Look deep and ask questions. If she can offer any insight, maybe it's her - maybe it's you. Could be a lot of little somethings that finally built up and caused a lot of resentment. Women hang onto these things sometimes until it blows.


She left because I was a selfish jerk. My life was all about me. That's the short version, anyhow. It's my fault, not hers.



> Take a chance and work on yourself anyway, because that's the only person you can control or change.
> 
> Go to the gym if you don't already - or walk. Get out - meet other people - hang out with guy friends. Go to counseling. Go to church - be the best YOU you can be.
> 
> ...


I'm doing ALL of the above. Taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Not begging, pleading or crying in her presence. I'm doing all the right things.

I guess I just need to get used to the loneliness and brokenness that comes with the territory. I have faith that all will be well in 6-9 months. I just hate the dailyness of life and wonder if I can hang on...

PJ


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

The thing I don't really like about it is that she is taking away all of your control in this situation. Even if the problems originated with you, it's a tough thing to accept just sitting idly by while your spouse decides whether or not to let you back into her life. I understand the concept of time and space if there are difficult issues involved, but waiting several months before she even gets ready to do something to try to fix it only allows her to drift further away and increases the possibility that another person will come walking into her life while she is in this fragile state. It also forces you to be in a constant state of anxiety. I've recently experienced that and I can tell you that it's pure torture. You may want to see a family therapist for individual sessions to work on yourself and to also figure out how best to handle the situation. As my counselor always said, if you're trying to reconcile but your emotions get the best of you and you "point the gun" at the other person, you will cause her to either run or fire back. 

Good luck!


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Thanks, I am seeing a counselor. The same one she is. He says she is very focused on healing and it would be completely out of character for her to do something stupid. She's that level-headed.

I don't like that she has control either, but I have been controlling her for 22 years. So its fair that she find a safe place to find her "center".

Sure, there is always the chance that things won't turn out the way I hope, but its not likely. We have too much history and I believe deep down that she loves me.

As for my emotions, I am dealing with them in a healthy way. I have not "pointed the gun" at her at all. I think she may be beginning to see that and probably wonder if something is going on with me.

Lots of prayer and wise counsel needed, but I think I am on the right track.

Thanks for your support!

PJ


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

PJ - sounds like you're on track. I know it's hard man. It's hard to give up that control and let someone else drive for awhile. 

Put out your best, especially when around her. 

Have you approached her with just dating yet? I would start slow. 

Goodluck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Powerbane said:


> PJ
> Have you approached her with just dating yet? I would start slow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish!

No, she will let me know when...

Until then, prayer and patience...

PJ


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