# Is it cheating if I have permission?



## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months. we are working on our marriage but it has been rocky. She cut me off from all sex and snuggling for 12 months. I finally got her to agree to have sex with me and she wold usually allow me to have sex with her about 1 time a week to 1 time a month. This was usually following a fight we would have because I would initiate, she would have an excuse as to why it was not a good time, and promise me that she would "soon".

Finally I got sick of her "soon" meaning 1-2 weeks later. There have been 2 incidents of me feeling really rejected in the last few weeks.

1. I had car problems so I crashed at her house over night. I fell asleep in her bed while she was out with friends. I woke up at 4am alone. Wondering where my wife was, I got up and looked for her. She was sleeping in the garage. 

2. She had last Sunday off (this is a rarity she usually has a days off in the middle of the week). I go to drop the kids off at her house at 6:30 at night and I find out that she had the whole day off.

Both of these examples above, along with no sex or snuggling for weeks at a time tell me that she does not really want to be with me, she just likes the security I provide by doing things for her and being a parent. We have 3 children 4, 11, and 12

I finally tell my wife last Sunday that I am done and I want a divorce. She tells me that we should not rush into a divorce but if I want to see other people and see if they can make me happy that I can. I asked her if that was considered immoral or cheating. she said that since she gave me permission that it was not cheating. 

My wife also tells me that she has no desire to date other men and when I am ready that I know where to find her.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Divorce first, do not cheat. 

Marriage is tough with 2 people trying hard to make it work.

Marriage does not work with 3 or 1 or any other number than 2.

How would you feel if she had a FWB? When she was out with friends, she could be with a FWB. My wife would not offer what your wife offered, if she was not cheating already. 

If you can not make it work, get divorced before cheating. Cheating is like throwing an atom bomb on the relationship. Too much pain and destruction.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like divorce is where you're headed, and I don't see why she'd want to delay it under the circumstances. You are separated in fact, so just file!

Unless you really expect a meaningful reconciliation, the fact of your separation and actually living apart, your declaration of desire for a divorce, and her explicit permission to see others is more than enough to do as you wish. Besides, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she's already doing this.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months. we are working on our marriage but it has been rocky. She cut me off from all sex and snuggling for 12 months. I finally got her to agree to have sex with me and she wold usually allow me to have sex with her about 1 time a week to 1 time a month. This was usually following a fight we would have because I would initiate, she would have an excuse as to why it was not a good time, and promise me that she would "soon".
> 
> Finally I got sick of her "soon" meaning 1-2 weeks later. There have been 2 incidents of me feeling really rejected in the last few weeks.
> 
> ...


Divorce her. She is getting it elsewhere
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Any "wife" who would give their husband permission to cheat, needs to be punted, pronto. It's obvious she doesn't love you.

Whether she says this because she's cheating herself, is less important than the fact she said it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yes it is cheating and also transference. Your wife is dating other men and trying to keep you as the Plan B backup, just in case she can not find someone better. All her late nights are not just spent with "friends" unless a "friend" is defined as her current lover.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

dude this seems really weird, are you sure there is noone else in her side?, maybe she is already having an affair.

think about it, she is not fullfiling your emotional and physicals needs, you are living apart, and she has no problem you having sex with other women, that does no even sound like a marriage.

you should investigate if there is other man in the picture and she is just giving you Green light to easy her guilt.

to answer you questions, if your partner honestly give you permission is not cheating, but many times people just blab things in the heat of the moment, and your case is suspicious, at this point I don't understand why you wanto to continue in that kind of marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Of course she won't rush into a divorce. She's got you right where she wants you.

File today.

As for whether it would be cheating, well, that's really up to you. Some people think it's cheating if you date before the divorce is final, whether it's an agreed upon decision or not. Personally, I think that if you know in your heart the marriage is over, and divorce proceedings are underway, and you have no intention of ever being with her again, it isn't cheating. It really depends on your own moral compass, and not whether she's given you permission, because this 'permission' may just be a way to test you, or like others have said, ease her own guilt.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What advantage do you gain from staying married while banging chicks on the side?

Your wife is already out of the marriage, she is there for convenience.

So what advantage is there for you to stay married? Why not just get divorced and live your life without having to worry about it? What's keeping you married?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

There's probably a reason she doesn't care if you sleep around--she beat you to the punch months ago...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months. we are working on our marriage but it has been rocky. She cut me off from all sex and snuggling for 12 months. I finally got her to agree to have sex with me and she wold usually allow me to have sex with her about 1 time a week to 1 time a month. This was usually following a fight we would have because I would initiate, she would have an excuse as to why it was not a good time, and promise me that she would "soon".
> 
> Finally I got sick of her "soon" meaning 1-2 weeks later. There have been 2 incidents of me feeling really rejected in the last few weeks.
> 
> ...


Cheating implies nefarious intent to elude notice or evade consequences for behavior deemed unacceptable. So, no, I don't think you'd be "cheating" if you had sex with other women considering your wife has given permission.

The trouble is, what about these other women? Are they okay with no strings attached sex?

Get your wife to put it in writing so it can't come back to bite you later.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I don't' think if you would be cheating is the question you want to be asking.

Why on earth would you ask that question given the background you posted? Is your cheating on her really what's important right now?

Why on earth do so many people get so hung up on this "cheating" business rather than assessing the actual impact of what's being done?

What you want to ask is how will acting on her suggestions for an open marriage affect things : 

a. assess the impact your life
b. assess the impact your marriage
c. assess the impact your children
d. assess the impact on the stability of your home/custody arrangement

there are a lot of people out there that open up the "open marriage" can of worms and regret it.

I don't think she's thinking this through and focus on what the likely impact will be, stop getting hung up on the word "cheating".. assess the impact instead.

And I urge you to think it through.

Your marriage is falling apart, this is not the time to be worried about getting some. Grow a pair and be the adult here. In my opinion you acting on her suggestions just escalates the toxicity brewing here. You ought to be the adult and grow a pair, not cater to her nonsense.

File and get your children out of the toxic environment she's creating by her waywardness, probable deception, and most likely cheating... the toxic environment she's creating is what you should be asking about, not about getting some for yourself.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

The amount of red flags in your thread is damning. You're wife is already banging someone else. She's way too checked out not to be. It's obviously someone else is filling those needs for her. No one is that indifferent for any other reason. She's moved on but I agree she still wants to use you for security and/or stability. Don't be her doormat. All you can do is move on too. Salvage any dignity you have left from the situation. File for D.


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> I don't' think if you would be cheating is the question you want to be asking.
> 
> Why on earth would you ask that question given the background you posted? Is your cheating on her really what's important right now?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post. I am not concerned with "getting some" as much as I am concerned with finding someone who really wants to be with me. my love language is physical touch, and I have been deprived from love and affection for so long I just really want to feel that again. 

Even when my wife did give me sex in the last 6 months, she would say hurry up and get it over with. She would close her eyes, turn her head and pretend that she is somewhere else. When I brought up how this bothers me and I want more from the experience she say " Not only do I have to have sex with you but I have to like it as well?'

I just want a connection. I think the only thing stopping me from filing is the hope that she will come around. Married life was amazing at one point and time and I just want that back.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months. we are working on our marriage but it has been rocky. She cut me off from all sex and snuggling for 12 months. I finally got her to agree to have sex with me and she wold usually allow me to have sex with her about 1 time a week to 1 time a month. This was usually following a fight we would have because I would initiate, she would have an excuse as to why it was not a good time, and promise me that she would "soon".
> 
> Finally I got sick of her "soon" meaning 1-2 weeks later. There have been 2 incidents of me feeling really rejected in the last few weeks.
> 
> ...


The fact that you're asking other people's opinions means you feel it's not right, but are really tempted by the idea so you're hoping you're given the green light. 

Don't allow anyone else, including your *cough* "wife" *cough* to dictate your moral compass. You set it and you follow it. One of the most common problems "doormats" have is they allow someone else (their spouse) to dictate their terms of existence.

She's not your wife. You two are co-parents. Divorce. Finalize it. Get over her and then move on and find someone who WANTS to have sex with you because they ACTUALLY DESIRE YOU!!!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> Thank you for your post. I am not concerned with "getting some" as much as I am concerned with finding someone who really wants to be with me. my love language is physical touch, and I have been deprived from love and affection for so long I just really want to feel that again.
> 
> Even when my wife did give me sex in the last 6 months, she would say hurry up and get it over with. *She would close her eyes, turn her head and pretend that she is somewhere else. *When I brought up how this bothers me and I want more from the experience she say " Not only do I have to have sex with you but I have to like it as well?'
> 
> I just want a connection. I think the only thing stopping me from filing is the hope that she will come around. Married life was amazing at one point and time and I just want that back.


More general question. How can a guy finish with THIS being the response from his partner. If I was having sex with a woman and got "Hurry up and finish" or anything like that...I'd be done on the spot. I don't have sex to "release", I could masturbate if that was the case, I have sex for my connection with my partner.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

My wife did pretty much the same thing. She was already checked out and starting an EA which lead to a PA and that was the end of the story. 
I knew she was cheating but I had no proof at all. My story is almost cookie cutter to yours. I got a girlfriend after I filed for divorce, then I was the bad guy cause the proof of me cheating was out in plain sight. Oh man I got sent through the ringer for months it even drove my GF off because of the mass of crazy happening. 
Then I found out she had been having an affair for a long time already before I filed for divorce.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> Thank you for your post. I am not concerned with "getting some" as much as I am concerned with finding someone who really wants to be with me. my love language is physical touch, and I have been deprived from love and affection for so long I just really want to feel that again.


In my opinion you need to stop worrying about your love language right now and assess the impact her suggestion will have on your situation. Which I don't think is a good one.

Why on earth would you listen to advice coming from her? She obviously has no idea how to repair this situation. She's just spitballing here and hoping for a hit.

Do the right thing for yourself, her and your children. Negotiate with your wife to repair your fractured marriage or end the marriage by getting a divorce.

Pressuring your wife for sex will not resolve this situation - in my opinion sex naturally happens when everything else is working well. In your marriage there is an entire laundry list of things to fix before your sex life falls into place. Attend to that laundry list first or, should you so choose, get a divorce. Take some time for yourself to heal, and then slowly and carefully find a mate that will negotiate and respect you as an adult.



EuphoricConfessions said:


> Even when my wife did give me sex in the last 6 months, she would say hurry up and get it over with. She would close her eyes, turn her head and pretend that she is somewhere else. When I brought up how this bothers me and I want more from the experience she say " Not only do I have to have sex with you but I have to like it as well?'


There is a long laundry list of problems in your marriage more important than sex. You need to stop worrying about your libido and attend to that laundry list of issues first.

Do you honestly think you are gonna sex this marriage into a better place? Or do you think pressuring her to have sex she clearly is not interested in is just going to make this situation more toxic than it already is?



EuphoricConfessions said:


> I just want a connection. I think the only thing stopping me from filing is the hope that she will come around. Married life was amazing at one point and time and I just want that back.


You sound like a wayward.

You need to fix your marriage, put sex on the backburner until the marriage is fixed, OR you file for a divorce. Pressuring your wife to have sex with you while neglecting the more important issues in your marriage (not just you, your wife is neglecting them as well) is not going to take this anywhere but to a more toxic place than it already is.

Put your marriage first.

_Put your libido on hold until the marriage is fixed or ended.
_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months.


I couldn't past this line. 19 months? What the F are you two waiting for? What could possibly change for the better at this point? Get back together, or D...now.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> Even when my wife did give me sex in the last 6 months, she would say hurry up and get it over with. She would close her eyes, turn her head and pretend that she is somewhere else. When I brought up how this bothers me and I want more from the experience she say " Not only do I have to have sex with you but I have to like it as well?'


this is cruel and degrading, she obviously have to know the impact of that actions and words during the act, indiference and duty sex is one thing, but this words are mean to hurth you.

file for divorce, and look for some one else your relationship is dead, she maybe just want to reamain married for the benefits (financial, social, etc) that she have with you, but nobody deserves this kind of treatment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manticore said:


> dude this seems really weird, are you sure there is noone else in her side?, maybe she is already having an affair.
> 
> think about it, she is not fullfiling your emotional and physicals needs, you are living apart, and she has no problem you having sex with other women, that does no even sound like a marriage.
> 
> ...


Too dangerous! So many complications. Are you a fault free area for divorces? If not, taking a lover is a bad idea.

Is your wife depressed in some way?:scratchhead:


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Cheating means violating whatever understanding exists between spouses regarding exclusivity, so in OP's scenario it is not literally cheating. It is, however, probably ill-advised before the marital situation is resolved.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

No, it's not cheating. Philat is correct. However, there is deception going on in your marriage. Your wife is not being honest about what is going on, keeping your hopes alive while she fishes for a new husband. She is probably sleeping with other men and she feels guilty about leaving your stranded. At the same time she doesn't want to let you go beause her lovers may not be LRT material.

Therefore, avoid allowing her to muddy the waters by sanctioning extramartial sex.

Since you are separated your marriage can be deemed over. If you inform her that you will seek divorce, you don't have to wait for it to be formal before dating.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"My wife also tells me that she has no desire to date other men and when I am ready that I know where to find her."

One does not need a lie detecting device here.

If I have the faintest idea about womenfolk, you've been cheated on and continue to be so for quite some time now.

She doesn't have sex with you.. Says she has no desire to date other men.

Where does she get sex then? Is she a nun in some Nepalese monastery? I won't take "she is asexual" for an answer by the way, my very own opinion of "there is no such thing as "asexual"" is for an entirely different thread.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> Even when my wife did give me sex in the last 6 months, she would say hurry up and get it over with. She would close her eyes, turn her head and pretend that she is somewhere else. When I brought up how this bothers me and I want more from the experience she say " Not only do I have to have sex with you but I have to like it as well?'


 And that's why your in the situation your in. You accept pity sex and while your huffing and puffing banging away, she's turns her head pretending that she's someplace else, tells you to hurry up but then tells she you has to like it?

I hope I don;t get into trouble for this but what the hell kind of a man are you that would allow your wife treat you like a pile of garbage and then you accept it?

Your getting excatly what you deserve friend. You want to be treated that way then fine. I'm glad it isn't me.

You better get some spine real quick and hire an attorney and get this woman out of your life. She isn't human and you keep going back for more. Boot her out of your life and move on. There isn't any excuse for her behavior but it's your behavior that's really bad for accepting it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> .... I think the only thing stopping me from filing is *the hope that she will come around. Married life was amazing at one point and time and I just want that back*.



Sorry EC, 

You won't "get that back" until she's had her fill of the other guy(s)..... and then only until she tires of you. Now that she's taken a bite of that apple there's little hope of having your past life with her reappear and stay. 

Move on. There's another chapter in your life to come.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> I finally tell my wife last Sunday that I am done and I want a divorce. She tells me that we should not rush into a divorce but if I want to see other people and see if they can make me happy that I can. I asked her if that was considered immoral or cheating. she said that since she gave me permission that it was not cheating.
> 
> My wife also tells me that she has no desire to date other men and when I am ready that I know where to find her.


In an ethical sense I do not think you would be doing anything wrong. My standard is really informed consent. If everyone knows what's going on and agrees to it, then no ethical lines are being crossed in my opinion.

The real question is what you want. 

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will settle for a married man? If you are just trying to meet your physical needs and otherwise maintain the status quo then this might work. But it sounds like you want genuine love and affection. If so, I would proceed with D and pursue a relationship with someone who can meet your needs.


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

_*"My wife also tells me that she has no desire to date other men and when I am ready that I know where to find her"*_

:scratchhead:

I would guess this means that when you are ready to accept her and the situation as it is today, you know where to find her.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Dollars to donuts she is cheating on you and has been for some time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

If you both agree to an open marriage, then it is not cheating. 

Def: 1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.
2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.
3. *To mislead;* fool: illusions that cheat the eye.
4. To elude; escape: cheat death.

If she "gives" permission, then you are not misleading her. 

However, for many it is not as easy to just shut those feelings off. Sounds good in theory, but doesn't everything "in theory"? Practice is a whole other ball game.

While I agree that it sounds like your wife has "checked out", at least sexually, that doesn't necessarily mean she is cheating. 
I checked out years ago and have NEVER been unfaithful. For me, it was a defense mechanism to protect myself from the hurt of being married to someone who was an addict in every way. Porn, gambling, spending, drinking, you name it. Then last year I discovered that my WH had at least two long-term EAs (I believe went PA but no proof), so I pretty much did what your wife is doing. My attitude was "Go do what and whomever you like, leave me alone and provide for the family". Like I said above, easy in theory, not so in practice.

Are there other issues that may be causing this shutdown? Physical, mental, emotional, hormonal, financial?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> If you both agree to an open marriage, then it is not cheating.
> 
> Def: 1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.
> 2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.
> ...


It does not matter whether or not it's cheating.. him going out with other women/having sex with other women is not going to improve this situation.

Why is everyone getting so hung up on if this is cheating or not.. it doesn't' matter.. him going out with other women is not going to resolve the problems here.

He needs to repair his marriage, or end the marriage, playing around with other women to feel good in the moment is not a resolution.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> It does not matter whether or not it's cheating.. him going out with other women/having sex with other women is not going to improve this situation.
> 
> *Why is everyone getting so hung up on if this is cheating or not.. it doesn't' matter.. him going out with other women is not going to resolve the problems here.
> *
> He needs to repair his marriage, or end the marriage, playing around with other women to feel good in the moment is not a resolution.


Considering that the thread title is "Is it CHEATING if I have permission?", why would we NOT answer that question directly?

If you have other advice to give, great, but don't denigrate others for responding to the question at hand, which is SPECIFICALLY about CHEATING!


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

Not really cheating but it's still dishonest, cause she's not talking about how she's cheating on you, and she is if she told you to go on out and cheat. If you are fine in an open marriage or one where you don't care who she's sleeping with, then go for it. 

But who are you really gonna find that will be okay with this arrangement?? How many women are out there that would be okay with you being married but using them for sex? And you sound like someone who wants more than that anyway. 

Anyone who likes being an OW isn't gonna like this because the thrill of being a secret and a mystery and one-upping a wife isn't there. Booorrring!! (to this type of woman)

Anyone who at all wants a deep relationship with you other than f***buddy isn't gonna like this either. And that's called a prostitute anyway. I guess that's always an option. 

Your healthiest choice then would be someone who is fine with an open marriage type situation. I think those type of women are few and far between, but it's is a possibility. 

For the love of god though, do not start sleeping with or courting women without telling them you are married and in this situation. You don't need to be dragging women into your marriage unbeknownst to them. 

I would think you'd still be lonely though, in any of these scenarios.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Considering that the thread title is "Is it CHEATING if I have permission?", why would we NOT answer that question directly?
> 
> If you have other advice to give, great, but don't denigrate others for responding to the question at hand, which is SPECIFICALLY about CHEATING!


Why would you answer the question when the question is senseless to begin with?

The best answer is that it doesnt' matter if it's cheating. Cheating or open marriage.. it's not constructive!

I am not denigrating, I am challenging people to think twice about just answering questions flat out without putting some thought into them.

You tell the guy it isn't cheating, he goes out and does it, then he has an even bigger mess on his hands!


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

*sigh* 

The guy asked a question. I gave him an answer. There ARE people who function quite well in an open marriage situation. Is it my cup of tea? No. Do I morally agree with it? No. Did I "try" that tactic in my own marriage to create some sort of buffer zone? Yes. Did it work? No. Because deep in my heart, I don't believe in it.

HOWEVER everyone is not me. 

If the OP decides to take advantage of his wife's offer, then that's on him. There is NOTHING anyone can do or say to him to make him do, or not do, what he is going to do. 

We can give him all the advice and opinions in the world, but at the end of the day, the choice is his alone to make. 

It may work out just fine for him. It may be a colossal disaster. Ultimately HE is going to make the decision either way. If you wish to discourage him, fine, go ahead.

I just chose to answer his question directly. I don't understand why you are so pissy about it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read Poster BFF the whole story and Vanguards first and latest threads and imagine yourself there.

You D. The kids cry a while but they sure as **** know what is going on.

You are D, You meet a woman who has possibilities and she is totally into you. You ask her to be your exclusive girl and she screams yes and jumps into your arms. You initiate and instead of a cold shoulder you are greeted by a warm wet willing vagina with the enthusiastic owner of said vagina giving you a tonsilectomy with her tongue.

Technically its not called cheating its called open relationship.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I will chime, her behavior and indifference to you is not wife material. I find it difficult to believe any woman who was involved in the marriage with kids, would give their husband the go ahead for debauchery. She doesn't care what you do and it sounds like her going out with friends is more than that. The part about her sleeping in the garage is strange. On the whole very bizarre behavior. 19 months is a long time for separation, 6-12 months maybe, but not that long. Plan B all the way. If your language is what you describe then you should have gone nuts after the first month. What person in their right mind would go through that. I don't know your age or what you do for a living, but how much more time do you have on the books, to find peace and happiness. Go find it brother, go file, that should get her off the fence. Enough with crap life. Take this with a grain of salt with humble intentions. Good luck. BTW, I divorced at 40, found my girl, my life partner, the mother of my children, my lover and my happiness, when I dropped what people here mentioned to do, because of experience. Probably should listen.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Divorce first, do not cheat. Don't put that blood on your hands. Even though she gave you permission, it may have been a dare, and she WILL throw that in your face afterwards. Not to mention, she will tell people and make you out to be the bad guy/cause of the divorce.

You two don't even live together, and she won't be intimate with you either, how insane is that to stay married?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She was either to drunk to get out of the garage, was hiding something, or couldn't stand the thought of sleepnig in the same bed with you. She probably smelled like sex.

Any way, being married to a woman who is disgusted by you being between her legs is absurd.

When did that start? How was your sex life in the past?

I would guess she is getting it with someone who has no intention of leaving his family.

You should var her car to find out one way or he other.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> Divorce first, do not cheat. Don't put that blood on your hands. Even though she gave you permission, it may have been a dare, and she WILL throw that in your face afterwards. Not to mention, she will tell people and make you out to be the bad guy/cause of the divorce.
> 
> You two don't even live together, and she won't be intimate with you either, how insane is that to stay married?


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

This is a cagey trick if I ever saw one.. do not let her trap you into that scenario.

She's baiting you for a finger pointing game.

Heck there's another thread on this forum of a female that got permission to flirt and now she's dealing with the aftermath of an EA and a anxiety ridden husband.

Just because she said it does not mean it's a good idea to do it.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

While you could argue that it is not cheating since she is allowing you to have sex with others, it is always best to end one relationship before you start another. It is particularly not far to another individual that would want to have a serious relationship with you when you have feeling for your wife. 

The description you give is not one of a woman with a low libido that wants to have sex less frequent, she does not ever want to have sex with you. You do no say whether she show affection in other ways, but I get the feeling that answer is no as well. This seems to be the case of her wanting to eat her cake and have it too. I would not be surprised if her GNO includes extra curricular activities as well, regardless of what she says. 

I think you have to have a serious conversation and map a way forward. She needs to make a command decision where her role lies.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months. we are working on our marriage but it has been rocky. She cut me off from all sex and snuggling for 12 months.


Have you filed for divorce, yet?



EuphoricConfessions said:


> I finally got her to agree to have sex with me and she wold usually allow me to have sex with her about 1 time a week to 1 time a month. This was usually following a fight we would have because I would initiate, she would have an excuse as to why it was not a good time, and promise me that she would "soon".


Some women don't like to "cheat" with their husband when they're getting plowed by their outside man. Your wife is just staying faithful to her boyfriend.



EuphoricConfessions said:


> Finally I got sick of her "soon" meaning 1-2 weeks later. There have been 2 incidents of me feeling really rejected in the last few weeks.
> 
> 1. I had car problems so I crashed at her house over night. I fell asleep in her bed while she was out with friends. I woke up at 4am alone. Wondering where my wife was, I got up and looked for her. She was sleeping in the garage.


She's a loyal one; at least to your replacement.



EuphoricConfessions said:


> 2. She had last Sunday off (this is a rarity she usually has a days off in the middle of the week). I go to drop the kids off at her house at 6:30 at night and I find out that she had the whole day off.
> 
> Both of these examples above, along with no sex or snuggling for weeks at a time tell me that she does not really want to be with me, she just likes the security I provide by doing things for her and being a parent. We have 3 children 4, 11, and 12


You are correct in deductions.



EuphoricConfessions said:


> I finally tell my wife last Sunday that I am done and I want a divorce.


About time.



EuphoricConfessions said:


> She tells me that we should not rush into a divorce but if I want to see other people and see if they can make me happy that I can. I asked her if that was considered immoral or cheating. she said that since she gave me permission that it was not cheating.


She is correct, it is not "cheating." But, and it's a big one, she may still be able to nail you with adultery in the divorce, depending on your jurisdiction. Now as to immoral, it all depends on your belief system and your state. Some states use the traditional definition where it's only adultery if the woman is married and others have the modernist version whereby you would be an adulterer, no matter whether your GF is married.

Most likely, your wife is setting up an (Y) shaped ambush for you.




EuphoricConfessions said:


> *My wife also tells me that she has no desire to date other men* and when I am ready that I know where to find her.


This is usually known as "lying."


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Have you filed for divorce, yet?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL. In college, Did you major in sarcasm? True Mach epicness.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You mentioned that you had a good marriage at one time and seem to want that back. How long are you willing to wait? Seriously, as you describe your wife's actions right now, why stay?

There is more to this then you realize and your wife's actions, remarks, etc do point to her having someone else in her life and it does not include you.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, really? All these people telling you what's going on and all you can say is that you're looking for a connection with someone? REALLY?!?!?!

DUDE!!! Your wife is cheating on you! And, of course, you want to believe her when she says she doesn't want to date. Well, she isn't lying to you. She isn't dating them, SHE'S SCREWING THEM!!! I mean, seriously?!?! What the hell do you think she's doing at 4AM?!?! Knitting a quilt?!?!

I mean, what woman, basically states "Go out a and get you some! Sleep with whoever you want!" Translation- " Go out and screw whoever you want, BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE!" Actually, she would LOVE for you to start getting some on the side, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty ABOUT WHAT SHE'S DOING!!!

Guilt is what kept her sleeping in the garage. She would rather sleep there than come in the house and be with you!

Dude, time to WAKE UP!!!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Why are you staying with this iceberg EC? Nobody here is going to be able to tell you what to do or say that's gonna turn her into a loving wife. The romance part of you marriage is over Dawg. All that's left you underwriting the financial and upkeep end of the deal.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife and I have been living separately for 19 months. we are working on our marriage but it has been rocky. She cut me off from all sex and snuggling for 12 months. I finally got her to agree to have sex with me and she wold usually allow me to have sex with her about 1 time a week to 1 time a month. This was usually following a fight we would have because I would initiate, she would have an excuse as to why it was not a good time, and promise me that she would "soon".
> 
> Finally I got sick of her "soon" meaning 1-2 weeks later. There have been 2 incidents of me feeling really rejected in the last few weeks.
> 
> ...


Euphoric

Your wife is so full of crap she smells like a sewer backup.

What woman sleeps in the garage when she could sleep in her bed? A woman that does not want to sleep or have sex with her husband.

What kind of woman declares that she has no desire to date other men as well as let her husband date other a women?

A woman that does not love her husband but loves what he provides......
A woman that lies about their future being together when she has not done one thing, action or word about fixing their marriage in 19 months.

When will it stop?

When you truly let her go so you can both be happy.

HM


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Euphoric? You still with us?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Where did the OP go? I hope is ok and not stuck under a bridge or something.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Elvis has left the building.


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