# How did I end up here



## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

I am very sad that there is a forum like this but at the same time thankful there is an outlet.

About 2yrs ago I found out my husband cheated on me. Hard work etc.. went into rebuilding trust etc.. to continue on in the marriage. The first time he said things had not been the same and gave me the something was missing blah blah blah response. A few days ago I found out that he slept with someone else about 4months ago. I feel like I have been blindsided and I am like what the ****. We don't have any kids together and his reason again was something was missing and he does not know why he sabotages this part of his life. He cannot even give me any real answers or talk about it like he was the one hit by a mac truck and I think really.. The thing that is making this so frustrating right now is my job is out of town so we had to get a small studio apt in that town to avoid me commuting back and forth daily because the distance was too far (kind of like the new york in week for work and home in the suburbs during the weekend). Plus he works 3rd shift so even when I was working in the same city we did not see eachother a lot. We see eachother every weekend etc..even if one of us had to work we would go where the other person was just to be with one another. So we decided to take some time apart and a part of me is  because we already have time apart. I found out on Thur I was looking for lawyers in the phn book the next day. But he insist that we not react fast. There is apart of me that knows I deserve better than this..I said if it ever happened again I was gone..etc..and I am like why am I going through this emotional rollercoaster while he is on the sidelines trying to figure stuff out. What is to figure out he consiously made a choice to do this again..that is the thing just saying that "again" is like what the hell life has to be more than this life is more than this. We were going on 9yrs of being married I keep trying to have spiritual comfort and the other side of me says this love is too painful and toxic....what let him call the shots...sit around waiting for a few more years to get the bombshell dropped on me again. Yes, I love and value myself and in my heart I truly think he does not want to talk about it because he does not have any answers right now. I am going to take the next couple of days to work out my "in shock" emotions because I need peace, closure and control in this situation to take my life back. He said he needs to talk to someone to work out the things in his mind etc... but I cannot see how that will benefit me at all..


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

D: I'm sorry that you are here. Infidelity is a horrible thing, and I think something that the disloyal spouse never really understands in terms of the level of pain it brings to us.

I would say that, in this situation, you need to follow your heart and your gut. Don't make a hasty decision to leave just because it's what you said in the past, i.e., that if it happens again you're gone. It's hard to know exactly what you would do in this situation until it comes upon you.

With that said, if it's a true deal breaker, then start making plans to get out. Looking for an attorney is the best start.

If you're not sure where you want it to go, see what he's willing to do in order to try to fix it. You obviously cannot be the only one working toward the repair. If he wants to get himself into IC, that could be a very good thing since, it's clear that people who have affairs, especially knowing that it will put their entire lives in jeopardy, are broken. It has nothing to do with you - he's right in that something was missing, but it wasn't missing because of you - something is missing inside of him. If he wants to try to figure that out and get to the core reason of why he does this, it could help tremendously. If he's willing, MC is probably also a necessity. It's going to take a lot of work and you'll see very quickly how much he's really willing to do and how much he's going to give lip service to. 

You sound strong - stay that way and just trudge through this mess until you can come to a solid decision.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm on the opposite side of your story, but haven't gotten the confession. Also, 9 years together. I wonder if it would hurt less if we hadn't been together for so long. It's been almost 1 month since finding this out, and I still feel like ****.

It might take a bit longer than 2 days to find peace and control. Your husband is not communicating and it's causing you this kind of hell. My wife is just now starting to communicate, after the horrifying fact.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

D,

Sorry for the mess your husband has put you in. Remember that the final decision is yours and yours alone. Do not be "bullied" by anyone, that includes family, counselors, and most important your husbands.

Something to consider... Serial cheaters are a different type. They get addicted to the "thrill" of the affair. My wife continued to cheat for 6 years straight with 3 different men until I finally "figured" it out. She admitted that she was out of control and could not stop. She craved the illicit attention more than the stability of marriage. 

You state that your husband cheated 2 years ago and again 4 months ago. The probable reality is he has been cheating for a lot longer but just hasn't been caught. Did you give him an ultimatum 2 years ago?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Serial cheater...

Missing something?

"Hey honey, we are out of ketchup... going to the neighbor's"

Jesus really?

Make a decision, stick to it.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Get rid of him. Kick him to the kerb. He's a liar, a cheater and all he offers you is treachery. He doesn't value, respect or care for your feelings or your sexual health. He's treating you like trash. You deserve better. Let him know he's history, that should firm up his mind pretty quickly. 

If you ever want to give him another chance that's your decision but make him crawl real hard and treat him with the same lack of respect. To gain any respect he'd have to pull out all the stops because he's violated your trust not once, but twice and maybe more. How would you know? 

This man has no morals and to do this to you again and put you through the terrible pain of infidelity is really quite unforgiveable in anyone's book. He's a serial cheater. If you had kids.....perish the thought. Time to get tough and get rid of him. 

Start looking after YOU. Let him destroy himself and play roulette with his sexual health but at least protect yourself from his utterly selfish streak.

He probably thinks you will take him back just as you did first time round. What he has done to you again is unforgiveable in any decent woman's mind.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Get rid of him. Kick him to the kerb. He's a liar, a cheater and all he offers you is treachery. He doesn't value, respect or care for your feelings or your sexual health. He's treating you like trash. You deserve better. Let him know he's history, that should firm up his mind pretty quickly.
> 
> If you ever want to give him another chance that's your decision but make him crawl real hard and treat him with the same lack of respect. To gain any respect he'd have to pull out all the stops because he's violated your trust not once, but twice and maybe more. How would you know?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I am really trying to focus on my emotional and mental health. 

I still am surviving on water & crackers because my stomach is is knots. Right now yes, still in shock and trying to break myself of regular daily routines..texting or talking throughout the day etc.. just trying to consume myself with positive thoughts and refocus so I can get better.

As life goes on around you as it should....at some points throughout the day I feel as though I am just going through the motions...physically here but mentally and emotionally elsewhere. 

This should be one of the best times in my life I am finishing up my PhD but going through an emotional turmoil.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

D,

I remember those exact feelings you are experiencing. It's like being a Zombie. You wander in and out of the day mentally, but in the corner is the reality of what has transpired, gnawing at your heart. 

My brother gave me some good advice when I was so far down. He just ask me to consider just the major requirements of life. I felt like I was limbo, stuck in neutral, and nothing was getting done. He told me to focus on my health and my children first. Next, just get up and go to work, pay the bills. And that was it, nothing more. I just went through the motions for months, productive - not really, but I didn't hole up.

At this terrible point in your life, just concentrate on finishing one task a day.


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