# I Just Feel Trapped



## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

You know it took me ages to try and think of a title for this thread, I've no idea, I don't know what my problem is? 

I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 28. Now 7yrs on and we've been married for 2.5yrs of that and have two children. We get along fine, no fighting, split housework, share money. On the surface we tick all the boxes for a good marriage. But lately I've just been so unhappy. I'm hoping it's a phase that will pass but I don't know how to get past it.

I've seen so many supportive posts on here I'm hoping people can offer me a little advice, or at least just let me type it out all and vent a little.

Like I said I met my now husband when I was 16. We broke up for a while when I was 18 and I saw other men so he's not been the only man ever. We married when I was 21 and had the kids when I was 19 and 22.

I get along with my husband, but I'd say the spark has definately gone. There's no passion, no desire to sleep together anymore. It had completely stopped until I lost 20lbs of my baby weight, now he's more interested.

I feel like I've gone from being a child to being a parent without ever really just being me. I left home at 17 and moved in with him (and briefly his brother) so I've never even lived alone.

I got pregnant 3mths after I was legally old enough to drink, so while all my friends were out dancing and having fun I was at home.

Both the kids were planned, and with my husband being 12yrs older than me, he didn't want to wait although I didn't want to have kids till 25ish (only 23 now).

Every day my life consists of changing nappies, doing housework over and over and over, walking the dogs, grocery shopping. I'm lucky if I get a brush through my hair nevermind wearing makeup! One of the new friends I made recently thought I was almost 30, have I aged that badly?

I don't know what my problem is, and it's definately my problem not my husband. I'm missing the life I could have had. Spending a little bit of money on myself before I had kids, buying a house, getting a job!! I'm at college now and my prospects are looking okay, but my wages will almost all go on childcare so there's not much of change, just less time with my girls 

Maybe it's not just missing that little blip in life between childhood and adulthood. My husband and I have nothing in common. Not books, tv shows, hobbies, nothing. At night he plays on the xbox and I go on the laptop or read. We used to have "powercut night". We can't do date night with two kids, baby sitting is a nightmare. So we pretended that the tv, xbox, etc (excluding lights) didn't work. We'd normally play monopoly or something but the conversation felt so strained.

Right after we got married I found out he'd been chatting up women online, a lot of women! It had been going on for years but I thought he'd stopped. Then I got caught playing truths via text with a classmate. We both initially thought what we were doing was harmless with it not being physically and of course we were both wrong. I went on a Christmas night out last night and got chatted up at the bar. It lasted 30 seconds at most before I said I was married and sent him packing, but I enjoyed it more than I should have.

If we're both doing that, does that not say something? I'm so confused. How do I get my head back into my marriage, how do I bring back some of the passion? I don't want to spend 70 years married to someone who isn't interested in me at all. I've tried so many things but he's completely oblivious to them.

Sorry this post is a mess, my head is a mess! I don't know what I want to say or what I'm hoping people will reply saying. I'd hoped typing it out would help but I don't think it really has 

Please don't think I'm a terrible person, I know this is me causing problems but I don't know how to change it and we have absolutely no money spare for councelling.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi FutureMP thanks for replying to me.
We're not planning anymore children, I had a really awful last pregnancy and don't think we could financially afford a third child.
The majority of my friends are female, almost all other mum's. So when we meet up it's with the kids and definately not part of the singles scene. As for college I'm one of only two girls in the class so it's hard to avoid guys there.
Husband is on the Xbox again tonight. His brother came round just before lunchtime to spend the day as usual. But they've been on the xbox all day, I've been running around after the kids and making dessert to take to his mum's for dinner tomorrow. It's Christmas Eve and I'm totally left out and on the internet again. 
I still feel so messed up. Part of me feels like I missed out. From age 16 I've been in a very serious relationship, far more serious than a 16 year old should be in. I missed everything. But then I know that I'm lucky to have found a husband and had a family young, I don't have to go through the agony of years dating and going nowhere.
I've contacted a local marriage councellor to ask for an appointment on my own. I need to talk to someone who can help me sort out my head. I can't talk to my husband because I don't know what I'd say.

When I was 18 we broke up for a while. We'd talked about where we were going, I said I wasn't anywhere near ready for kids and he said he was wanting them pretty soon. We split up, we wanted different things. We got back together again and by the end of the year I was pregnant and we were engaged. I really wish I'd just stuck to my guns. I had no job and we had no money. Our car was 13 years old and we rented. Could we have been in a worse position? But I didn't and I need to live with that and accept it. I just don't know how :-( I love my girls more than anything, I just wish I hadn't had them until later in life.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You have missed out on an important part of your developement from the teens until your middle 20s you change a great deal. You got involved with a man who was at a different stage in life and he still is he was ready to have kids before you were because of his age not yours. If you were both at the same stage you would have waited. You missed out and finding the person you want to be because you got involved with a man that was really too old for you. Now you know a little more about life and you tealize what you missed, he had a chance to develope completely but stole that opportunity from you. I place the onus on him because he was the adult and should have known better. Now he is still trating you like a child because he is not doing what he should to help you and is still tacking andvantage of your youth to do as he pleases. 

You are an adult now equal if not more mature than him. It is time to take charge of your life. You are not stuck you have convinced your self you are and you must take what ever he gives you. That is not true you are not an indentured servant you are his wife and you had the kids he wanted it is time to demand changes. I think you need to plan an exit stategy you were too young to make the decision you made.

Do you want to stay with a man that you have out grown for the rest of your life? He sounds immature and selfish wich is maybe why he picked some to young to realize who he was, There is always a way start with telling him how you feel and tell there must be changes. At the same time go to school gain independence so you don't feel trapped and you can give him an ultimatum if things don't change or just leave if you cannot establish a connection. He took your youth from you, so don't feel bad about how you have changed your feeling it's a natural consequence of getting older. The fact that you were influence to get involved before you file make a good decision is his falt not yours. As for your kids, it is better for them to grow up in a loving home with a happy mom, you are young and you can now marry some one that you make the decision to get involved with. Men marry women with children so don't worry. Don't pick some too old neared you age would be better. Date before making a decision don't get involved with the first guy you meet you will get into the same dead end unhappy marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

What is it, exactly, that you think you have missed out on? A lot of the things that people think they missed out on either aren't that great to begin with or can be modified to fit into married parenthood. Going out with friends, you can still do that - granted, you can't go home with some guy, but would you really want to anyway? 

Dating other people is out, sure, but the dating experience, not necessarily. You can go out on dates with your husband. That would also be a good way to find things in common with him. Go play mini golf, go bowling, pick a movie, take a walk around the lake, hit a museum exhibit (my second date with my boyfriend was a painted motorcycle exhibit at our local museum - it was incredible). There's so much you can do with him. 

You also need to look at how you feel about your marriage, without the thoughts of what you think you missed out on. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I cannot imagine having all your responsibilities at your age. You are extremely competent and responsible, so please give yourself credit for that. 

Do you love your husband? Do you want to try to make it work? I could not tell from the things you wrote. But I'm glad you made the appointment with the counselor-that is a great step in the right direction. 

It's possible to spur growth in the both of you and re-connect in new ways, so don't forget that possibility. Nothing is more attractive than a man who can and will grow to accommodate growth in the woman he loves. If he just feels threatened by changes in you, however, and resists even letting you grow, then things may get difficult.

One advantage you have is that you will not be interrupting your career to have kids--you may be delayed in starting yours a couple of years, but because you had yours so very young, you'll actually have fewer issues balancing home/work in your late20s and 30s, when most women are trying to figure that out. 

You have taken a step forward and change will happen if you persist. You don't have to make dramatic change on all fronts (or anywhere); just feel out this process and see where you decide to go. You will gain confidence as you get older and so facing the challenges will be easier than it seems right now. But don't forget how much you have already accomplished, as I said at first; you have a lot to be proud of.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I had the exact scenario only he was only 10 yrs older than I was. Listen to Catherine. I felt EXACTLY the same way you did. I ended up leaving when my second child was only 11 months old. I simply couldn't take it anymore. I had grown into a different person and he had stayed the same. I can't say I made perfect decisions after I left but I am soooo glad I did.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

@Catherine602, thanks for replying. You put it perfectly "You have missed out on an important part of your developement from the teens until your middle 20s you change a great deal." At 16 I was impressed because he had a job and wore a tie to work. I was still going to school disco's and giggling about silly maths classes. I was 16, he was 28, it was worlds apart. There were so many things I wanted to do that I didn't. I wanted to work abroad, I can't do that now, I have responsibilities. I have no hobbies, everything I used to do was after school. I always wanted to try skiing, but we can't afford that, dance classes and things to pay for instead.

@atruckersgirl, things I think I've missed. I mentioned a couple already, working abroad, a holiday abroad with my friends, spending money on myself. Only a couple big things, but even little things like going on a date, I've never done. It's in virtually every film ever made, and I've never done it! I've tried to convince my husband to take me out for dinner or something but we rarely get a babysitter and when we do he wants an early night so we watch a film in bed and he falls asleep to it. When we first met we were like rabbits, there was so muh passion. I know that goes over time, but it seems to have completely vanished now. You asked me "Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?" I do love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him, does that make sense? Sometimes it's like living with my best friend. There's nothing wrong with our marriage on the surface, he's never been threatening, we never fight at all really. We split housework and childcare. It's all just, fine.

@sisters359, thank you so much. Like I said I do love him, and I don't know if I want it to work. I'm hoping speaking to a councellor will help me figure that out. Part of me does, there isn't anything within the marriage that needs fixed though, just me. Part of me thinks I just did all of this too young and I'm still young enough to change my life. I won't do everything I wanted to, I'll never work abroad, not with my girls, I couldn't leave them. You said it's possible to re-connect. How do you do it though? We have very little in common. I tried for ages to find a night class or something we could go to together and we couldn't find a single thing we'd both do. You're right about it being a bonus having kids pre-career though. I have a few friends in their 40's who have had tmie out to have their families (both 3 kids) and they're finding it impossible to go back to work now. I have been talking to a friend the same age as me who left her partner last November. She was a bit older than me when she had her kids, accidentally though. She's been through this and she's been good to talk to. But she said she just knew when it was over, after 6yrs. I don't just know though, so does that mean it's not over, or just that I don't know it is? So confusing 

@tiredspouse0297, how did you know there was no hope? Hope you don't mnd me asking.

I still can't work out if the problem really is just that I was far too young for any of this, or if it's all just in my head and there's no real problem. Maybe it'll pass with time, maybe it won't. I just don't know  How does anyone know? If I stay I might regret it, if I leave I might realise I'm wrong and by then it could be too late. There are so many brave people on these boards, I wish I had just an ounce of their courage.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I always knew something was wrong and for years I blamed myself. If I could just fix what was wrong with me then I would be happy. I had no sexual interest in him from the moment we got married, I had no idea why. I never thought about it being tied to resentment or that the relationship was just wrong. So for years I kept thinking something was wrong with me. Never mind that he wouldn't hold my hand, hug me, hold me when I needed comfort, talk about his feelings for me. He never once told me I was beautiful or how happy he was we were together. Very emotionally distant. I thought I was frigid and just couldn't feel attracted to anyone. Until I went out with some friends one night and one of the guys kissed me. I felt like I was going to explode. So I left, all I knew was I was so unhappy and starved for affection that I would cheat if I didn't leave. It took me months to really figure out how our marriage failed. He wasn't a bad person, just not what I needed once I grew up. He's not at all what I would look for in a partner these days and still drives me to the edge of insanity but he's a good person at heart. I just became a different person and needed much more than he was able to offer me. I also think about the fact that someone who is 26-28 dating a 16 yr old must have some maturity issues to begin with. Of course you don't think about that when you're the 16 yr old.  Hang in there and don't feel like you're a bad person or that something is wrong with you for feeling this way. I wish I had known that all along. 
Don't feel alone either, I'm stuck in a bad second marriage too terrified to make a move at the moment. It's a very hard thing to do, leaving, especially when you have kids.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

And a note: we were together for 12 yrs and married for 8.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

I was in a similar situation as you- I had my first baby at 15, a big oops, and spent a few years thinking in the back of my head, that I made a big mistake, and wishing that I could do things differently. I felt I had missed out on all my 'me' time. From the age of 15, I've been raising children, going to school, managing a household, in a serious relationship, etc, etc. Adult things when I was supposed to be a kid, having fun with my friends. So yeah, I felt for a time that there was a lot that I missed out on. But honestly, being married wasn't the main issue. Having kids changes your life. Puts responsibilities on your plate that preclude going out and having fun all the time, sleeping in, doing what you want. Myself, that feeling of missing out has passed. I'm 31 now, been married since 19, and while I recognize that I did lose out on a big part of my development, and a big part of my life, it doesn't actively bother me anymore. I guess because at my age now, it's not inappropriate for me to be in the situation I'm in. Like, at this point, I'm not still missing out. Having kids, and all that, is sort of what I should be doing at this age. And I can recognize the advantage I have over my peers who are just starting their families now, which is that in just a few years, my kids will be old enough to look after themselves and I will still be young enough to enjoy my life.
I think my feeling is that I disagree that your marriage doesn't need any fixing. I'm getting the feeling that you feel primarily responsible for the kids and the house stuff, and that your dh mainly just sits around with his brother playing video games. If you two truly have no common interests, at the very least, you should each be making an effort to get involved in eachother's activities. He should be helping you make that Christmas dessert, and you should play an hour of Xbox with him after the kids go to bed. I think talking about this stuff with a therapist certainly wouldn't hurt.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Today was a strange one...

Last night I'd tried to talk to him about being upset about having missed out. I got as far as saying that I felt I'd missed out because I'd had kids so young and I got the normal line from him about how could I regret my children. Not what I meant! I don't regret them, I regret when I had them. So I left the room upset and went to bed.

Today when I got up he was a totally different person. Part of my thought he'd been on my laptop and found this post but that's not it. He was really affectionate, told me lots that he loved me, encouraged me to arrange a girls night. He said he'd thought about what I said about missing out. He's even said I cuold do a whole weekend away with the girls, which I don't fancy but it's nice he offered. He's finally agreed after years of hating the thought, that he'll take me on a date. He apologised for spending Christmas Eve playing games with his brother and says he knows it's really unfair. Hundreds on little things today, he's like a new man. In the car he held my hand and kissed the back before he let go. It's lovely.

I'm still going to go speak to a councellor, but there's been such a change in him, I hope it keeps up. He's going to try and sort an overnight break for us for my birthday in February. I've asked him if we can go out dancing, normally we go to a little guest house in the highlands and go to tearooms (like old people!!) Today was a good day. But I'm under no illusion that the problems are all magically fixed.

@tiredspouse, been thinking about what you said about a difference in maturity. Valentines a couple years ago I bought him a male/female set of adult massage creams, and he bought me Disneys Lady and the Tramp on dvd with a cuddly toy. First that came to mind when I read it.

@jrsmrs, a few of my friends made the same point as you. When my friends are starting to have kids and putting careers on hold, fighting with childcare, up to their elbows in nappies, my kids will be older and I'll be getting to the point where they start to leave home and I have my good career and money to spend on us for a change. You're right about doing something together too, we're going to finish losing our weight gain together after new year does that count? We used to go to the gym together but we use different machines so that didn't really work. I'll have a think


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

That sounds really encouraging. I guess at this point, my only additional advice would be to make a point of telling him how much you appreciate all those little things he did for you. Of course we all want to hear when we're on the right track. Good luck!


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

:iagree:

MxRacer965, I know you're right. The things I think I missed can't be as good as I'm thinking. I do regret never getting asked on a proper date. My husband and I never really dated. It was a huge age gap and never meant to be anything serious but we were making excuses to spend so much time together, "just as friends", because of the age gap. Only took a couple months before we couldn't deny we were in love. Meant we never dated though. Every romantic film out there has a date of some sort. Then to ruin the romance further I proposed to him! He was anti-marriage so I asked him, blind hope, and he said yes. Killed every romantic moment I'm going to get though.
The only big thing I guess I can't do is work abroad. Two friends from school are doing it just now, one in Paris the other in Tokyo, can't deny being insanely jealous!
I do still wish I'd lived on my own for a while. I left home and moved into student halls, which terrified me after I got mugged in the laundrette, I instantly moved in with my now husband and his brother. So I almost got there. I never had my own room! I went from sharing with a sibling to sharing with my husband.

jrsMrs, I took your advice. After I read your post earlier I went to tell him how much I appreciated him being more affectionate today. Got another kiss out of it too 

I know what everyone's saying is right. I might have missed out on a lot of things, but I've got something better. Husband, kids, a career about to start with no maternity breaks, kids out the house while I'm young(ish). I just need to get my head to agree!

This really is a fantastic forum. I spoke to one of my friends about it and her advice was to have an affair to get it out my system. Is there be anything worse I could do?  Thank you everyone. :smthumbup:


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I'm not a marriage expert, so not sure I have any good advice, but I thought I could still contribute. I met my first husband when I was 17 and he was 20. We got married when I was 23 and had our daughter a year later. It wasn't until I was approaching 30 that I realized some things. I had "grown up" and changed, and he didn't because when we met, he was ALREADY grown. I had changed a lot, however, and it was that process that contributed to us growing apart and the end of that marriage. To be fair, it was also abusive and he had no desire to change that, but it was my growing up that helped me find my voice and be able to understand that I was truly worth more than I was living. I'm not saying that it's the same in your case (abusive doesn't fit from your description). My point, though, is that I think women change A LOT during the late teens and 20's. I am in no way the same person I was at 17 or even 25 (I'm 40 now).


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

I just wanted to say that whether these missed experiences are good or bad is not the point. The issue, IMO, is having missed out on necessary developmental stages of life, and being able to really KNOW, for yourself, that you had your fun and are now ready to settle down into an 'adult' life. 
Just because she (or I, or anyone who had kids and/or got married young) may have missed out a sum total of 100 violent hangovers, or kissing 50 toads before finding our prince, or whatever, it doesn't mean that these are unnecessary or non-beneficial experiences in life. With the bad, there is also good- having your fill of drunken nights with friends, knowing better what you're looking for in a mate thanks to all those slimy man-*****s, etc. And lest we forget having the opportunity to sleep in on the weekends (and through the night!), cooking nothing but ramen and toast (for ourselves only!) for a week straight, not cleaning your apartment when you don't want to, having the time to dedicate to friendships, etc, etc. There are a lot of responsibilities that come with a family, which fall mainly on the woman in most cases, and being able to have lived a selfish life prior to taking those on has its benefits, not only its pitfalls. 
I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that you wish you hadn't missed out on that stage. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate the benefits of what you do have, or that you're a bad mother or wife. It just means that there's a little part of you that sometimes wishes things had gone in a different direction. We mothers put enough guilt on ourselves without having to hear from someone else, especially if that person HAS had the experiences we missed, 'oh, that stuff is not all it's cracked up to be, you should just appreciate what you have now.' Sometimes we just need to vent, and be supported and understood and encouraged.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been back to post. Thought I'd just see how things went for a while. Something really strange occured to me though. For a while I've wondered if I was still in love with my husband. I do love him, but it feels more like the way you love a family member, not your husband.

I had this horrible thought, he's really like my dad in this relationship. I don't know if it has anything to do with growing up without a dad and meeting him so young. But he makes dinner (hates my cooking which is completely understandable ) I need to ask him for money if I want to buy something. In the morning the alarm goes off and he gets up, then later he wakes me up. If I go out and need to tell him where, with who and when I'll be home. There's just something really parental about it, I can't describe it properly sorry. The sexual spark between us has been gone for years, almost since we started. Now he's finally decided he's interested in me again (almost instantly after I lost 20lbs this summer) but I don't like it. He'll smack my bum or squeeze my boobs and I feel really uncomfortable with it.

Been thinking more about how I had to grow up really fast at a young age and noticing that now I am actually grown up, I definately wasn't when we met and I was 16, despite what I thought then. But my husband isn't grown up. He's responsible, never skips work, does his share of the housework and helps with the kids. But as soon as the kids are in bed he's on the xbox, and he uses baby words all the time which I hate! The remote control is a doofdoof, and the seatbelt is a clunker.

My head is going round in circles. I actually feel ill. I'm dizzy, light headed, constant headache. First of all I put it down to giving blood but that was almost a week ago now. I just keep playing everything over, round and round. I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want to do.


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