# Hurting, please help



## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

My husband just got back from vacation with his family and we have decided to move into our own places. He is staying in a hotel and doesn't really want to speak to me. He says I am too needy, but I am dying to understand what his intentions are. We start marriage counselling on Tuesday and he is willing to do it but I don't feel he is in. He wants peace and quiet and no fighting as we just don't get along and he thinks I cannot manage my emotions. 

I am in IC and need to work on that for myself. He said he wants to collect his things for the week tonight so I will leave the house so he can come home and collect his stuff for work.

He doesn't even want to see the dog as he said it would be too hard to see our little yorkie. And he said he doesn't want to confuse her.

On the one hand he told me that we were going to see if living separately we can work things out on our own and see if it is going to work in 3 months, and we could see each other and spend time together if we both want to without intimacy.

But he isn't wanting to even see the dog now. I am very confused as he is changing his mind every day if not every minute.

I am hurting so badly that I can't even function today. I went out for dinner with friends and even compliments from other people don't make me feel good. I am so worried I may be going into depression. Can't eat or sleep.


How do I win his time back with me? He says he loves and cares about me but he needs to have his own place free of fighting which I understand.

But he is hurting me a lot by saying he is looking forward to getting his own place and that if I can change my behaviour with him, he would consider working things out.

He says I hurt him by speaking to my friends about our problems but I have no one else to speak with I guess I should be more private like he is but it is difficult.

Any ideas?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes,

Stop airing your laundry to your friends.
Women have no idea how this **** pisses their man off.

Don't allow a seperation, chances are it is the beginning of the end
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would say keep up with your IC, give him the space he needs, keep busy, practise keeping calm (if you can), discuss your relationship with professionals rather than friends (in case it gets back to him) and see how MC goes.

Are you by nature a needy, insecure person? If not, it may well transpire in MC that it is the relationship that is causing these traits...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Remember that he is hurting, too. The kind of pain you're feeling is what he goes through when he knows you're talking to friends about him. It makes him feel shamed and unwanted. He feels powerless about all the fighting, too, and because he cares, he's coping with inner conflict. You're seeing it when he acts in a confusing way.

If you're not compatible, then MC won't help much. He may have already checked out of the relationship and won't want to keep going for long. If you're not eating and sleeping, please talk to your IC about depression. Start doing some affirmations and working on positive thinking and learning to value yourself. 

I can promise you that even though things feel very bad right now, it *is* temporary.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you so much Kathy and everyone. We had our first MC yesterday and the therapist was insinuating that my husband is an abandoner as he has left many relationships and it was a strange session, we spoke after later that evening and he said we will continue with her and speak to her about our issues on session 3.

I have aired the dirty laundry unfortunately because I was desperate and alone but I know that is wrong. I thanked him by email for taking the time to do MC and speaking to me afterwards. He said in his heart he wants it to work but his brain is skeptical. I know I need to commit to these 3 months to being the best me and that's all I can do.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Please remember that lots of people don't feel confident about seeing a counselor, but later come to value what the therapist has to offer. It sounds like he's showing some promise in this regard.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

He is really committing to the MC and he said after 3 months if nothing changes or we still don't know, he said we should end it after that.
He is showing promise with the MC and is committed to going once a week and seeing each other when we feel like it. We have tried so many counsellors but we are giving it a shot again with the best MC place in the UK. He even agreed to pay for it. He told me that if it doesn't work by 3 months then we have tried everything and then we should divorce, he said his brain is skeptical but only time will tell. I feel very pressured to be the best me and don't know how to be. I am going to be authentic understanding and loving to him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

"I am going to be authentic understanding and loving to him."

Can you be both of these at the same time? And if that answer is yes, will that meet his needs, or will you have to change you to meet his needs?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

It could be a good thing for you to be separated for a time. It could serve each of you in different ways that may ultimately benefit the relationship:

For you, it's time to focus on yourself. Learn who you really are and what you need. If there are things you were needing or thought you needed from him, aim to give those things to yourself. 
For him, he will feel an absence of you. He may need this right now. He may stop wanting this after he realizes he doesn't want this absence.

Cherish this time of separation as YOUR time. You will be a better wife for him, when you are a better person for you first. You may feel silly talking to yourself in your mind: "what do YOU want attilia? what do you need? what can I do for you?" but it is possible to actually relate to yourself in this way and carry yourself into a more grounded and peaceful way of living, so that you're not shaken and knocked over by what he does or doesn't do.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

How, how powerful was that? Thanks so much. It makes a lot of sense. Yes it is a good time to be separated. I just I could hear more positive feedback from him because he doesn't trust I am doing this for me too. He thinks I do what I always do is beg plead and ask him back, he would then come back but with ultimatums which were hard to swallow. Now he has said if this doesn't work after 3 months, it will never work. I agree, I am 40 now, no kids and need to move on if after the 3 months it doesn't work, It will be good for me to at least know one way or another. if he really wants it to work, he would at least do what he said by putting the marriage on the front burner. Not even one email, phone call or text today. It is 9 pm now. it hurts. He is occupied by work and he can't do both me and work. So I guess I am on the back burner again.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Atilia said:


> he doesn't trust I am doing this for me too. He thinks I do what I always do is beg plead and ask him back.


And right now is your opportunity to show him otherwise.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Yes, I am trying not to beg him back even though I want to. I just let him be at the moment. If he really wants me back he will be there.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I know it's hard and it hurts, but change is possible. And the first thing you have to start changing is what's inside of you. So far all your posts are about "him." Start with you.

Has anyone directed you to the "180" threads? I think you'll find it in one of the divorce/separation forums. It's intended for people in your exact situation--spouse wants to separate or "maybe" wants to separate. It's helpful.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Atilia said:


> Yes, I am trying not to beg him back even though I want to. I just let him be at the moment. If he really wants me back he will be there.


Why? What are your reasons for wanting to be married to him? Are they good reasons? Was your marriage ever good? What has this marriage brought to your life that is positive?

I ask because a lot of people get caught up in trying to keep their partner without really giving a lot of thought to whether that partner is actually good for them and "worth" fighting to keep. 

From your posts, it sounds like he's calling all the shots and making all the decisions, and you're trying to go with the flow because you are afraid of losing him and are hell-bent on getting him back. Have you really thought about whether you two are good for each other? Maybe what he sees as needy and clingy, another man would not see as a fault but would appreciate the attention, affection and devotion. See what I mean? Your H might not be right for you if you have to change your entire personality in order to please him.

If you just met him, would you want to date and marry him?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quotes of Atila*
> He says I am too needy
> He wants peace and quiet and no fighting as we just don't get along and he thinks I cannot manage my emotions.
> I am in IC and need to work on that for myself
> ...




I am sure that your husband has some things he needs to improve on. But you cannot change him. Besides you are the one here and asking for help and ideas. *You can only change YOU so that is what you should do. ONLY CONSENTRATE ON IMPROVING YOU!*

From what you posted above it seems that you are a bit too needy. What that may mean is that you are not strong enough in your own self and maybe too much for your husband to take. He may not be that strong either but that is not what you need to concentrate on.

I read your posts and I here you say* “I am hurting so badly that I can't even function today.”* You also talk about how you have begged him in the past to come back to you and want to beg him now.

You and your husband have been in counseling several times and you still show signs of falling apart when your husband and you have difficulties. I cannot help but think that you are so needy and weak that you are sucking the life out of him. *If you were not so needy then you would not be in such bad shape that you cannot function and you want to resort to begging again.*

Frankly I think that this maybe your last chance to better yourself to be strong enough to have a decent life with or without your husband. I also think that is you improved yourself in the areas that your counselor recommends then I think you have a good chance of saving your marriage. Your husband is paying for counseling and eagerly going to MC. That tells me that he wants to save the marriage but does not want to go back to the way things have been in the past with you.

*I may be wrong but why not show this post to your MC and see if I made any points that may be of help to you*. If I am wrong then you have lost nothing and can throw my post away. If I am right then the counselor can be much more affective in getting you to help yourself and become a better person for YOU and everyone else in your life. I am blunt and not good with putting things in a much more acceptable way. The counselor is the pro at that.

My response post is quite long but if you want a condensed version then read what creadamdochasgra wrote below.



> *Reply by Creadamdochasgra*
> For you, it's time to focus on yourselfCherish this time of separation as YOUR time. You will be a better wife for him, when you are a better person for you first.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Do look into the 180 as stated above. It will help you learn to detach a bit. Once detached you can see who you are. As you found out, begging won't keep him. It will make you look weak in his eyes. You need to be strong and capable. Work on yourself. Try not to think about him. Don't let his attention define you and your mood.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you, you are totally right. I am going to work on me and be a better person for me and if he sees this then great, if not, I will be a better person. win win


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

What I told myself when we separated in December was:

I do not know how this will end. I do not know if we will end up back together, or splitting up for good.

Whichever it is, EITHER one of those options will be easier to go through, after these months apart. Staying with him at the time was untenable. Divorcing him at the time just didn't feel right. I was not ready for either.

It helped me keep a handle on my anxieties and appreciate being present in each day.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

How are you doing now? Are you still separated?


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