# Sex less than 1/month & married less than 2.5 years



## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

This is going to be long, so if you don't want to read it all here is the tl;dr - Married for less than 2.5 years and there's already almost no intimacy in my marriage.

I was here over a year ago and things don't seem to be changing.

Here's my post from last year:
Less than 1.5 years and almost no sex

Not too long after that post I did talk to a counselor. However, my wife refused to go with me for the visits saying that she didn't have time or think the counselor could help so she said she felt I was just wasting my money.

I have been married to my wife for almost 2.5 years. We have sex less than once a month from September to June. With her job she has summers off, and the sex seems to increase to about 3 times per a month on average. So even during the summer when she isn't working much we don't have sex a ton, but it does occur more frequently so I can't complain too much. I do try to see the positives in things, and I'm trying to be understanding of the fact that I likely have a high sex drive and she does not.

She says we do not have sex much from Sept. to June is because she is stressed and busy with work. There's also so no passion in our relationship. It is as if sex happens just because I want it, and it doesn't really feel like she is into it. She says she enjoys it and that it is good, but I'm not sure I believe her. I try my best to make sure she enjoys it. And I have tried to get her to open up about making it more enjoyable, but she says it is fine.

As far as passion goes outside of sex, almost every kiss is a peck. It's quick, brief, passionless. There's not much embracing either.

I have tried everything that I can think of and find.

Honestly, really the only problem I've had with us is the intimacy. Without that, I feel like we are just best friends who cuddle sometimes and live together. But besides that I feel like the sexual attraction, that desire, is non-existent.

At one point last year, I finally convinced her to talk to her doctor, who put her on some type of medication, but my wife ended up not liking it or the way it made her feel and so stopped taking it. She never went back to the doctors to talk about it. I also don't think the medicine was doing a whole lot anyways. I think that what hurts the most is that no matter how I try to explain to her how much is the hurting me and our relationship, she doesn't care to put in effort or even talk about potential solutions and things that we could work on it together.

Something else that I think is part of the problem is that we have been together almost continuously since 2007 so about 7+ years now, but somewhere in the middle we broke up for a little more than a year. We both ended up seeing other people during that time. That break up happened because one day we had a big fight, she told me she hated me and we were done. I ended up going to a friends, drinking a bit and fooling around with a girl we were friends with, but didn't have sex with her. I know this was stupid and I screwed up. I don't think she ever got over this.

After over a year of being apart we got back together, and I moved back into the downstairs of her parents house with her. About 4-5 months later I proposed. I knew I loved and wanted to marry her. 

Now one thing I should mention is that when my wife and I were dating the sex was great. It was awesome. It was nothing like it is now. It was frequent and spontaneous and passionate.

I'm in my late 20s and want a family, but I will not introduce kids into a broken relationship. I know that won't be good.

I'm just not sure what to do...

Any and all advice is GREATLY appreciated, thanked, and welcomed


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your post is too long.
If your wife works too much to be sexual, then she and you need to make a choice between how important her career is to your marriage vs how important sex is to your marriage.

You have to meet her needs and ensure that her life is happy and safe and not overly stressful.. And she needs to know that you cannot tolerate a non sexual marriage.

I assume that as covered in the 9 pages of your prior post.


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your post is too long.
> If your wife works too much to be sexual, then she and you need to make a choice between how important her career is to your marriage vs how important sex is to your marriage.
> 
> You have to meet her needs and ensure that her life is happy and safe and not overly stressful.. And she needs to know that you cannot tolerate a non sexual marriage.
> ...


Hey Hicks,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I know the post is too long, but I'd rather cover as much as I can at once than have to do it as people ask. Just hoping it helps speed up the discussion. But I could and maybe should condense it.

As for trying to help meet her needs, I try to talk to her all the time about what I can do to help take some stress off of her, but she says nothing. And she refuses to reduce her work load. And I've tried so many times to explain to her that no sex is not working for me.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

You know what to do, once a month is not normal, i was in your boat. Tried whatever you want it's not gonna change. 

I was stoopid for 19 years.


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Dude, you got on lot on your plate to discuss, but it sound like you are being open and trying to be honest with her about everything which is great. I'll be succinct here to try and help get two things across that will likely help you:
> 
> 1. Find things outside your marriage that make you happy (e.g. going back to school for a class related to your career, spending time with plutonic friends) and make it a point to share that happiness with your wife.
> *
> 2. Do NOT force her to have an orgasm!!!!!*


Thanks for the advice Bad. I will definitely try this. And as far as forcing her to orgasm, I definitely don't do that, but I do just like to make sure she enjoys it.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I agree with Hicks- you need to edit this post, you can cut most of the guts out as you already posted a link to your previous post that has plenty of info.
You have the right idea with not introducing kids into this, if you have talked to her and tried various things and she won't help the relationship then things aren't going to improve.
Like you say- you can only do so much. If I were you I would get D papers drawn up and have them in front of you the next time you sit down with her to chat. She needs to see you are SERIOUS with how important this is to you.
She needs to realize that men are different to women- Men NEED sex to show women love them, it is not just sex. And there has to be passion, you know if someone isn't really into it anymore and its a turn off if you feel the other person doesn't really want to be having sex with you in that moment.
Get those papers ready, and get yourself ready- she really sounds like she doesn't care much for you right now.


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Try and let *her* be the one to show you how and what she enjoys. It is NOT easy as us guys are so eager to please and we also get excited seeing our spouse orgasm. Ask her what she likes, and if she does not know (which could be likely), odds are that she mostly enjoys seeing you happy. If you have sex and she sees you frustrated because of something she feels you are blaming on her, the mood is going to get cold quick! Instead *if you are enjoying something just simply tell her she is AMAZING! *


Oh definitely. I don't get aggravated during sex or accuse her of not enjoying it. I have before, long ago, not really aggravated, but just brought stuff up like that and I have definitely learned it does not make the mood better lol

But during sex I usually do just try to let her know that I like it, that I love her, that it feels great, etc. But doesn't seem to help.

I've also tried to talk to her outside of sex about what she likes, and like you said, she doesn't really know. However, when I ask her if we can figure it out or what we could do to try and make things more enjoyable she doesn't want to figure it out and says that things are fine. But I know they could be better for her because she definitely used to enjoy our sex more.


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

Kylie84 said:


> I agree with Hicks- you need to edit this post, you can cut most of the guts out as you already posted a link to your previous post that has plenty of info.
> You have the right idea with not introducing kids into this, if you have talked to her and tried various things and she won't help the relationship then things aren't going to improve.
> Like you say- you can only do so much. If I were you I would get D papers drawn up and have them in front of you the next time you sit down with her to chat. She needs to see you are SERIOUS with how important this is to you.
> She needs to realize that men are different to women- Men NEED sex to show women love them, it is not just sex. And there has to be passion, you know if someone isn't really into it anymore and its a turn off if you feel the other person doesn't really want to be having sex with you in that moment.
> Get those papers ready, and get yourself ready- she really sounds like she doesn't care much for you right now.


Sounds good. I've been debating the papers. It just sucks big time.

And you two are right about the post. I'm going to trim it down right now.

Thanks for the advice, it sounds like this might be the solution to use quite soon. But it's just tough.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

You already have one thread at the 1.5 year mark and now this one at the 2.5 year mark. Will there be a 3.5? 4.5? 12.5? 

Talk to her until you are hoarse, it isn't going to work. *You cannot negotiate desire.*

Here is the bucket list of "typical" issues.
Communication: Sounds like you are trying, what else can you do here?
Decent physical shape: Assuming you aren't the twin of Fat Albert, is there anything you can improve here? Would it matter to her?
Repulsive habits: Skid marks on your underwear? Body odor like a rotten onion?
Neglectful or abusive: Doesn't sound like it, at least not on your end.

If none of the above is the cause, then the issue is with her. She has to fix it. If she isn't willing too, then you have to be ready to ditch her. Anything less and nothing will change. Don't believe me? Check out the posts in this sub forum or check out the deadbedrooms section at Reddit.

Be thankful these issues have developed now and not after kids or 10 years of marriage. If it comes to divorce, much easier right now than later. Good luck.


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

Ripper said:


> You already have one thread at the 1.5 year mark and now this one at the 2.5 year mark. Will there be a 3.5? 4.5? 12.5?
> 
> Talk to her until you are hoarse, it isn't going to work. *You cannot negotiate desire.*
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice man. It really sounds like a lot of the advice is heading where I thought it would.

And to answer your questions:

Communication: Sounds like you are trying, what else can you do here? 
_Yup I'm trying very hard_

Decent physical shape: Assuming you aren't the twin of Fat Albert, is there anything you can improve here? Would it matter to her?
_If I wasn't in good shape then it would probably matter a little bit. But I'm in really good shape. It's something that has always been important to me because I love being active and playing sports._
Repulsive habits: Skid marks on your underwear? Body odor like a rotten onion?
_I don't think I have any issues like. I try to not be gross lol_
Neglectful or abusive: Doesn't sound like it, at least not on your end.
_Definitely not neglectful or abusive._


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your situation hasn't gotten better since last year when you posted and odds are they aren't going to be better next year. She has a lower sex drive than you and that's just the way it is. You are smart to not have children with her until this situation is fixed but odds are it isn't going to be fixed. You have talked to her about this and she knows how you feel and she still doesn't try to increase the amount of sex you two have to make you happy and to keep you in this marriage.

I think you have two choices, accept the sex as it is and be happy with the other aspects of your marriage or divorce and find someone you are more sexually compatable with to have a family. 

You knew what you were getting your self into when you married her. Sex usually declines when a couple gets married so if you aren't having a lot of sex when you are dating or engaged than getting married is not going to help the situation, neither is buying a house and having a baby will further reduce her desire. She will be more tired and stressed. She doesn't seem to handle stress well. I really don't think this has anything to do with a stressful job because she doesn't work during the Summer and she still doesn't want sex often.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand said:


> I'm just not sure what to do...
> 
> Any and all advice is GREATLY appreciated, thanked, and welcomed


It's time to file.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

DON'T HAVE KIDS. Nip It in the bud now. 
I think it's hard to make someone be happy to do something they aren't interested in doing anyway. You're not too old to start over, I am. 
I wish I had known 33 years ago what I/you know now, I'd have bailed. I hate to see young couples having problems.
Now's the time to fix it. Although, for me, if I were to confront my wife, anything I got from her afterwards would just seem like pity or duty sex. I just wouldn't feel like she was into it, so it probably wouldn't be that much fun for me. I haven't sex with my wife (or anyone else's for that matter) in 1 1/2 years. I finally just gave up. BUT, I live my life to make ME happy now. Find yourself some hobbies to enjoy. I don't hardly even talk to my wife or invite her to go anywhere with me. I started this "180" about 6 months ago, and seems to be working pretty good. 
As I said though, the ball's really in your court at this point. Depending on your finances & such, what have you got to loose?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand said:


> And she refuses to reduce her work load. And I've tried so many times to explain to her that no sex is not working for me.


IF work is more important to her than her marriage, then you should not stay married to her. Would she put up with you prioritizing something or someone over your marriage?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It is not the workload, it is the job. Teaching sucks the life out of those trying to do a good job at it.


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

flyer said:


> DON'T HAVE KIDS. Nip It in the bud now.
> I think it's hard to make someone be happy to do something they aren't interested in doing anyway. You're not too old to start over, I am.
> I wish I had known 33 years ago what I/you know now, I'd have bailed. I hate to see young couples having problems.
> Now's the time to fix it. Although, for me, if I were to confront my wife, anything I got from her afterwards would just seem like pity or duty sex. I just wouldn't feel like she was into it, so it probably wouldn't be that much fun for me. I haven't sex with my wife (or anyone else's for that matter) in 1 1/2 years. I finally just gave up. BUT, I live my life to make ME happy now. Find yourself some hobbies to enjoy. I don't hardly even talk to my wife or invite her to go anywhere with me. I started this "180" about 6 months ago, and seems to be working pretty good.
> As I said though, the ball's really in your court at this point. Depending on your finances & such, what have you got to loose?


Thanks Flyer. I appreciate the response, and to be honest, when I do have sex with my wife I feel exactly as you described above because it feels passionless and forced. It can be quite awkward at times.

As much of a bummer as it is, the solution is starting to become pretty clear :/ and ya, as for finances, I don't really have much to lose lol


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

badsanta said:


> *So true!*
> 
> One day Pfizer will look at what may be close to a billion dollars spent at a futile attempt to create a pill that will ramp up a women's desire and think, if only we would have hired the "Ripper" to work in our lab! They could have saved so much money!!!
> 
> ...


Is the wisdom to watch porn as a couple? lol Or just that if the woman actually appreciates the husbands effort she will have sex with him, but in my case, my efforts go unappreciated...


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## Mr.JustDoesntUnderstand (Sep 16, 2013)

Hicks said:


> IF work is more important to her than her marriage, then you should not stay married to her. Would she put up with you prioritizing something or someone over your marriage?


No, she wouldn't. This actually just came up recently because I am trying to start my own company with a friend while still working a full time job. So that past couple months I have been spending a lot of time away from home during the week. So she asked if I could be home more often. The next day, I talked to my business partner and told him I was going to start working from home more often to spend time with her. However, I also told her that if I was home more often then it would be nice if some of the time could be quality time with the two of us not working, and preferably not watching TV. We've watched TV every time....

So ya... when this happens in reverse, I work to accommodate her requests.


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