# Don't act on a mid life crisis...



## Obennyl (Sep 3, 2013)

I am choosing to write under this topic because I hope to give insight to someone who is considereing divorce and who has been married many years. I was married for 28 years to a man who called himself a Christian and was well liked in the community and well thought of at our church. He came from a good family whom I had always felt were good people who loved me and accepted me as part of their family. He loved my family as well. Nearly six years ago he walked out of my life. It was obvious to me for quite some time that he was not "in the marriage," but I always thought we would work through whatever he was going through and come out the other side stronger than ever. We had a good life (classic middle class-church, kids band concerts, recitals, ball games and the like) and the community, as well as our families saw us as solid. We had two wonderful children (intelligent, dependable, trustworthy, ambitious) who never gave us a minute's trouble. I felt we had it all and I couldn't understand, not only why he would want to destroy that, but that he could actually be capable of doing that. I always said of him that I would never have to worry about that because he was a Christian. Even now I still can't believe that he actually did what he did to his family. I wish he could have understood exactly what he did, but he is in denial about the damage he caused and the fact that he did not have a valid reason for doing so... only rationalizations. You see, there was this woman...a woman who pretended to be my friend...a woman who was just a little too friendly with him and who I didn't trust from day one. I was naive. I allowed him to take phone calls from her because of the context of the relationship. I questioned him a couple of times and casually expressed my disapproval, but I never voiced my distrust of this person or my desire for him to end contact with her. I just felt that neither one of them would cross that line because they were both married and because I trusted him. In the end, he moved out of our family home the same day that she asked her husband for a divorce. I found out that they were sneaking around during the day and meeting each other before and during work. That angered me for obvious reasons, but also because I knew that I had missed my window of opportunity to get him into counseling. That's one of the difficult things for me to deal with even today because I believe that he came to believe some things about my feelings and our marriage that were not true. He needed to give himself permission to leave the marriage and he did that by convincing himself that I did not love him. I told him that I did repeatedly, but he would deny that. He also said that other people did it and their kids turned out fine. He was one of those folks that was always very good at telling other people what they needed to do, but never looked inside his own heart or took stock of his own motives and selfishness. To this day he believes that his kids have come to terms with his decisions and are okay with the current state of affairs. Oh...by the way...he married that woman. We taught our kids to be respectful and polite. They just don't try to tell him any more how they feel. They have come to realize that he doesn't care about that. He obviously only cared about what he wanted. They understand that if they are to have a relationship with their father, they are the ones that must make concessions. They have just had to learn to accept his marriage to the woman that broke up our happy family as the new status quo. I have no doubt that he is in complete denial about that. I'm sure that he feels they are okay with things as they are now. The fact is that we all have been changed by the "divorce" experience. My son is about to marry a woman that I don't believe he is actually in love with. That worries me because I know he will never leave her because he has said often that his dad set the example of what not to do in life. My daughter now has to compete for the attention of her father with his two step daughters to the point that she even came home from his house recently crying. She hates that situation and longs for time with her father alone. I hate him for that. As for me, I will never be able to come to terms with the betrayal because I know what he threw away. I long for companionship, but don't believe there is a trustworthy man out there and so I spend too much time at home just watching TV and playing phone games. I know that is not healthy, but I don't care enough about myself to try and change that. And finally, the financial situation he left us in was unfair. Although he signed over all of our property to me, he left me with all of the marital debt and not enough income to meet the demand of maintaining two college kids and all of their needs. It is difficult for me to see his step daughters with expensive name brand accessories and know that our kids are living on the bare minimum because I can't afford to give them everything I want to give them. I have no doubt that he feels he had done his duty as a father because he paid me child support and alimony as we agreed, but he never offered to do more just for his kids even though he could see that his step daughters had more. That was not fair to our children, and they knew it. So the point of this thread is to implore you (if you are considering divorce) to do the right thing. We all know that divorce is wrong. The Bible is clear. Therefore, we can't deny that, but please don't rationalize away your family's futures. Have the courage to look inside yourself. Realize that you are a head of the family and you are responsible for the functionality of your family, as well as the well being of all of your family members. You are supposed to be the person to protect your children, not the person who hurts them. Don't be in denial about the truth...just face it. Talk to your spouse and open up. Be willing to take responsibility for your own unhappiness and don't place blame. Seek counseling...do everything you can to fix what is broken. Only if you have done everything you can to save your marriage and only if you have resolved all of your emotional business should you even consider leaving your marriage. It won't turn out the way you envision and then it will be too late.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I suggest you break the above up into paragraphs for people to be able to read.

Seriously I am not being a jerk here. More people will read your post if you break it up. It is very hard to read for many of us.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Thank you for sharing that painful part of your life. You are very correct. In time, i hope my AxW will come to understand what she has done. Not only to herself, but most importantly to her sons. I hope they don't become resentful towards her, as she resents her own mother for the same actions.


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