# What's the best approach.



## bs193

Been married 10 years. After both of us being unhappy, but still loving each other, for about 4-5 years, we have both agreed that counseling may be the only chance of making this work, which both of us seem to want. In those 4-5 years, my wife's depression and anxiety has worsen, and lead to problems with alcohol and recently an incident of infidelity. I have not been the perfect husband either. My feelings towards her drinking and never being happy with herself, which I chalk up to the depression, have caused me to "shut down" around her.

Point being, we start counseling this week. The counselor informed us up front that she will only see us as a couple, and never as an individual. I have spoken to others who are in marriage counseling and they meet as a couple and individually. I would like opinions on what people who have been through either, or both, styles think. What is the best approach? 

Our counselor made it clear that the marriage is the client, not us. If we want individual counseling she requires we go elsewhere. If she ever sees us individually, she will never see us again as a couple. I see good points and bad points about this. I want us to be open and honest with each other, and the counselor - something that would be guaranteed when only seen as a couple; however, I think we both, but mostly my wife, has issues, related to the success of our marriage, that may be better dealt with during periods of individual counseling - primarily the depression, as I feel it is directly related to her inability to "like" herself and lead to the alcohol abuse and infidelity. I asked her to consider counseling for the depression but she would now need to see a separate counselor. Neither of us are really comfortable with this since it seems tied to the marriage and dealing with both issues separately may be more than she can handle at once. At the moment, she feels she needs to deal with the issues of her marriage, alcohol use, and depression/anxiety. We both agree we can't deal with them all at once if she needs to see three separate counselors to do it.

Sorry for the long post.


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## Mom6547

I have no experience with marital counseling. I do have experience with individual. YOU are the purchaser of the services. If the services don't suit you, but your services elsewhere. In my opinion.


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## credamdóchasgra

I don't understand the rationale of not seeing you as a couple if she sees you individually.

I have heard of counselors meeting first with individuals in a couple, making sure each is comfortable being vulnerable and open with the other, and then transitioning into a couples' counseling.

My H and I go to an "imago" therapist.
I highly recommend and like this approach a lot for couple work.
He has us sit across from each other and talk to each other instead of on a couch side by side, talking to him about each other.
--just an example of one reason I like this approach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra

I just reread your post more carefully.

If there is a counselor who WILL meet with you each individually and ALSO as a couple, I would definitely go to that person instead of this one.
You don't want to start out with such restrictions.
You feel that you need both ind. and c.
It's possible to find one counselor who will meet that need.
It's worth it to be picky about this. 
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

It is absolutely unacceptable for any therapist worth their salt to refuse to see you individually. Each particular couple is different. They have different needs. What happens if the wife doesn't love herself? Therefore, can't love the spouse? Who helps her through that?
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## bs193

Dedicated2Her said:


> What happens if the wife doesn't love herself? Therefore, can't love the spouse? Who helps her through that?



There in lies my concern. I guess we will just see how things go but I already expressed my concerns with my wife. I am trying not to walk in to this with a glass half empty mindset from the beginning but think we both may have underlying issues best dealt with individually, but with the ability to bring the issues into the marriage counseling session....something that could be difficult if we saw different counselors for individual sessions.

Tomorrow is out first session. We will give it the benefit of the doubt but I have already been in contact with another therapist who has no problem seeing us individually if we prefer it....just in case.

I will keep this thread updated as the sessions progress.


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## credamdóchasgra

You can definitely find someone who'll do both ind and couple work with you.
I wish you luck on your first session and hope you find what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bingofuel

I think that most marriage counselors will not see you as individuals because it is a conflict of interest. Talking about what essentially is ANOTHER patient to me is a violation of doctor/patient confidentiallity. Part of their job as a counselor is to remain impartial, and if they are seeing you on a one-to-one basis, I don't see how they can be. (Much like the same attorney prosecuting and defending a case) Our counselors will set up joint sessions (all 4 of us) if we feel we need to address problems together. It just makes sense to me. I myself would see a problem with it if it were not that way.


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## Corpuswife

bingofuel is right....plus it gets difficult trying to keep things "seperate" in the group counseling session.


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## bs193

Well my wife and I have been to our third session and we both feel we struck gold with our therapist. I was a bit apprehensive going in due to the stricked rule of couples only and never individually, but now see it as the best approach, and individual sessions would have only pulled us apart. We quickly learned that nothing is a "separate" issue. The depression/anxiety, substance abuse, and infidelity were all related and should be explored together - no secrets. We are very comfortable with our therapist and couldn't be happier with they way she listens and interacts with us. There is no blaming, no confrontation, and no feeling from either of us that we are being "ganged up on" like I hear from so many others in counseling.

I should also point out that my wife and I never went into this relying on counseling to save our marriage. We have been talking frequently, making a point to set time aside every evening for that purpose. We have also been reading self-help books and listening to self-help audio programs which specifically address the problems we have been having. We read and listen to the same material and discuss what we have learned about each other and ourselves. We both feel we are really putting in the work needed to make our marriage what we always wanted it to be, and counseling was meant to only supplement what we were already doing. From the start, we knew we wanted to make the marriage work, we knew blame was counter productive, and we accepted that both of us contributed to the problems in our marriage. We are happy walking into the sessions and have been happy walking out. Our therapist has commented several times how refreshing it is for her to see us smiling and laughing during the sessions, listening to one another without getting defensive, speaking to each other without blame, and acknowledging that we both contributed to the problems - no finger pointing.


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## Jaded Heart

I don't see how couples counseling will help your marriage if your wife has issues within her self that she needs to deal with. I go to MC by myself right now until H is willing to go. I would for sure look for someone else to see.


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## bs193

Jaded Heart said:


> I don't see how couples counseling will help your marriage if your wife has issues within her self that she needs to deal with. I go to MC by myself right now until H is willing to go. I would for sure look for someone else to see.


Sorry. I am not sure if you didn't read my post carefully or if I just did a poor job at writing it. The MC is going great for both of us and my wife feels she can deal with her issues there. We are both going. Where did you read that one of us isn't willing? Confused.


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