# Is he doing anything wrong? Am I?



## kaysee (Jan 24, 2014)

My hubby and I have been married for 30 years. Before he met me he had been engaged to another girl, they broke up, 2 years later he met me, we started off just friends, after about 18 months we started to hold hands, kiss sometimes. We slowly grew to love each other. I knew about the previous relationship but I always thought it was completely finished before he met me. I thought we were mostly happy in our relationship. Now, just a few days after our 30th wedding anniversary he started acting weird. He has never been a lovey-dovey kind of man. Not affectionate unless he wants sex. He isn't interested in being friends, doesn't talk much, comes home from work, plays a game with our youngest child for maybe half an hour, then goes on the computer and stays there until bed time. Suddenly he's affectionate, telling me all that time that he loves me, I'm special to him, he'd be lost without me, complimenting me, praising my cooking - he's never done any of that before. I made jokes about him having an affair and he didn't say anything. He leaves his computer on all the time so after a few weeks of this odd behaviour I looked at what was on the screen. I found out that he had been looking for his first love for nearly 2 years. And he found her. And she's very willing to have a relationship with him again. She's married, has grown children. He's married, has grown children and a 7 year old. They don't bother to hide their relationship. The computer is in the main living area of the house, and it's still on all the time. They speak of their love for each other, how they'll never be apart again. They call and text each other a lot too. Every day. So far it's only a phone and internet relationship, on Face Book, but I feel betrayed. When I told him I knew what he was doing he got really angry, told me I shouldn't have looked at his computer, broke some furniture, blamed me for ruining a good thing. I told him I won't be anyone's second choice. He told me that if people hadn't interfered when they broke up years ago he would never have married me. He says he doesn't see what the problem is because he's willing to stay here and support us. But all that does is give him 2 wives. I do all the normal wife stuff and she provides the fun and entertainment. I want to leave him but I can't yet, have to sell the house, but while we're waiting I said I wanted an in-house separation. We agreed on rules. Separate bed-rooms, no physical touching of any kind, I cook, clean, run the house and do the books as usual, he brings in the money. My problem is he wont stick to the rules. He is in my personal space all the time, touching, stroking, hugging, kissing, wanting to hold my hand. I can't even use the toilet without him waiting for me to get out so he can hug etc. I don't hug him back, I refuse to hold his hand, I move away from him as much as possible. If we drive anywhere together he has his hand on my thigh the whole time. If I remove it he does this whole hurt act, like I'm the one doing the wrong thing. It's driving me crazy!! I feel suffocated. He comes into my room at night and wants to get into bed with me. I tell him no. So he sits beside my bed because he wants to be with me. And it's always in the middle of the night, so he's disturbing my sleep almost every night. He refuses to give up the other woman, they're going to spend a week together next month. He wants to keep both of us. He tells me she's a really nice, caring person. Neither of them want to hurt anyone. Am I being unreasonable? Is an internet relationship the same as an affair? He complains a lot that he's confused. I don't agree, I think he just wants to have it all his own way. Our adult kids are disgusted with his behaviour and generally avoid him. Our little one is confused because Daddy wont play games with her any more, he's too busy on the computer. I can't stop checking his Face Book account now to see what they're up to. He knows I do it and he doesn't care. I feel really hurt but I would consider staying together if I knew he had given her up, but I don't see how I can trust him anymore.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Wow.
Your husband is walking all over you!
He is completely lost within the fog of his affair.
He has both of you , so he's doing some serious cake eating.
Problem is that you are facilitating and enabling him.
Only one thing could snap him out of that state of mind.
File for divorce.
Also if you can contact the other woman's husband, if she's still married , then expose the gory details of the affair to him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You're being too nice to him.

It doesn't seem like he really thinks he is going to lose you. Like he can keep this up, and you still will be there anyway.

It's not just online if he is going to spend a week with her.

There may be absolutely nothing you can do to stop this, but I definitely don't think it will stop while he feels he can have his old lover and his wife.

The title of your thread has me puzzled- "is he doing anything wrong?" Surely you see how wrong he is.

"am I?" I would guess being married a long time that you both got settled into a routine, but his conduct with the other woman is all his fault.

Did he reach out for her or did she contact him first?

What do your children know?

It seems odd to me that you are discussing with him about selling the house and splitting up the assets and divorcing and NOW he is choosing to show you some affection AND he still wants to continue his affair.

Have you asked him what he wants? Has he been bold enough to tell you that he wants to maintain a sexual relationship with both of you? Does he expect you to remain faithful to him while he carries on his affair?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Get to a lawyer, as fast as you can get an appointment. If you don't know where to start I'm sure you know some divorced people. Ask them who they used. 

He doesn't respect or take you seriously. Read up on the 180 and going dark and more importantly do it! 

Kick his but to the curb tell him he can have the other woman. She's not cooking his meals and picking his underwear up off of the floor...when those realities set in their little "romance" won't be so wonderful. 

Have you saved proof of this? If not do so right away and keep it in two locations. Find out what his obligations would be (alimony/child support) temporary spousal support during the separation and divorce if you choose that.

Show him you mean business or he'll keep walking on you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Talk t a lawyer yesterday. See if you can get a restraining order to keep him out of your bedroom. Get a locksmith to put a lock on your door.

*CALL HER HUSBAND, HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THIS*

Quit feeding him, if you have to go somewhere drive your self.

Do the 180,click on this link and print it off The Healing Heart: The 180

Tell his family, your friends and your family what he is doing.

If you do all this there is a good chance you will wake him up and he will come back to you........................assuming you can stand the site of him.

Btw, see your doctor for some temporary medical help, you will be glad you did. Unfortunately, they see this often.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, I would tell him when he gets back from "vacation" his stuff would be in a storage locker. You can't make him leave but you can make him wish he did.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like he is using you as an outlet for his attraction to this other woman. His interaction with her has given him a "rise" so to speak and he wants to use you as his relief? Call him out on it and tell him there are limits to what a marriage requires from each partner...you are not a sex surrogate. He needs to shove off and you need to lock the bedroom door.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's making a desperate attempt to keep his comfortable life with you while he has her on the side. She's married, he can't really have a life with her, but make no mistake that if he could he'd be gone. Stop going anywhere with him and start enforcing boundaries; when he touches you do not respond except to tell him to stop. Do not let him think it has any effect; in fact, let him know that he disgusts you. Start locking your bedroom door and if his harassment continues file for divorce now and ask for sole use of the home during the proceedings. He can only continue this if you allow it. It's clear you are and have always been his second choice. And make sure her husband knows what's going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, I would tell him when he gets back from "vacation" his stuff would be in a storage locker. You can't make him leave but you can make him wish he did.


Why tell him? Let him come back to locks changed his crap in a storage locker and a server waiting to hand him papers.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Why tell him? Let him come back to locks changed his crap in a storage locker and a server waiting to hand him papers.



:iagree: Exactly! Why tell him? Why ruin such a perfect opportunity for creating one of these timeless Kodak moments?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Talk about cake eating, this link can help you 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Well, Kaysee (same name as my granddaughter, different spelling  ) I read your story and I'm just blown away by his actions. I've never heard anything quite like this before. The guy is totally clueless. You sound very down to earth and intelligent. Why did he ever think you'd be willing to live the way he would like...sort of a second wife while he's giving his best to the OW? Hope you can hurry up and get out of this terrible situation. You deserve a hell of a lot better! Here's to better times in the future!!! :toast: You'll be able to find someone much better for you than this mixed-up clown.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

He is such a mess. I am sorry you are going thru this rotten experience. 

How would he feel if you had an affair?

I agree, tell her husband, and file for divorce.

He wants to cheat in your face and stay with you?

Show him the door.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

adriana said:


> :iagree: Exactly! Why tell him? Why ruin such a perfect opportunity for creating one of these timeless Kodak moments?



There really needs to be a squad that you can call like on the show "Hoarders" or "Intervention" (yes it's very cold and snowing here so I'm all caught up on movies and TV). Where they get you counseling and deconstruct and rid you of the problem. Then most importantly do follow ups.

I'm sure there would be lawyers, shrinks and moving/storage companies lined up for that action.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Expose to her husband.


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