# Appropriate action to take?



## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

WW and I are separated, she got an apartment, I'm with my parents while finishing school. She had an EA for aa few months and then we tried to R. I wanted the R, probably too much, and did everything I could, but never felt real remorse from stbxw. The disconnect between her words and actions drove me crazy, I allowed it to interfere with school and it ended up costing me an additional year.

This attempted R went on for approx 2 years. I made every mistake you can make, I'm sure. I did what I did, but everything was in an effort to improve the marriage. She decided she'd had enough, we separated, told the kids (ages 5, 7, 10) we are living separately from now on and paperwork is being worked on. It took two weeks after we split for her to have the POSOM fly in for their first actual meeting. Her EA was entirely online.

What I have a question about is, my kids have not met the OM and don't know that there is even an OM involved. OM lives 1200 miles away. He is single, no kids. Should this little people be told that their mother have up on being a family because she fell in love with a guy she met online? Another issue is that my daughters, while they have not met mommy's computer friend, have talked to him online via skype. They have told me about mommy's friend, that he is funny and this or that. But they don't know that he is a big part of why their family is not together anymore. Also, online POSOM goes by an online name and has a real name, but my girls have also been told to call him a differ name altogether. I don't know if that's to keep things from her parents if the kids start talking about him when visiting grandparents
I don't like them talking to this person very much, but don't like giving my stbx the satisfaction of telling her to knock it off. I have less faith in my judgement than I once did so don't trust myself to make the right decision on this. 

What should I do? Talk to kids about mothers actions (they're too young? They'll figure it out on their own?). Ttyl them that this person is not a good person for them to be talking to? Tell the ex to stop allowing kids to talk to him? 

Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Do you think it would be a stand up thing for your ex to sit the kids down and list out your flaws and blame the marriage's failure on you because of them?

Of course not.

So, don't be that guy. Set a good example for your kids, enjoy your time with them, and don't get sucked into the drama of your ex's life. She's going to live her life the way she's going to live it. Have your revenge by living well.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I disagree. They deserve the truth. Tell them.

Edit to add: if the official paperwork hasn't been signed, move back into your home immediately. If your wife wants to continue her affair, let her move out.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

We sold our house and live completely separate lives now except for where the kids are concerned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

No I dont believe they need the whole truth, I honestly cant see what telling them about this OM would achieve other than causing them a hell of a lot more upset and confusion. If they are ok with how things are and you've been as honest as you can about the situation then i'd leave it at that - be available for their questions and to support them and when they're older maybe they can know but at their ages I dont think its appropriate but thats my personal opinion.

I would also speak to W and express your concern about them speaking to this guy if you feel uncomfortable with it, you have a right to express your concerns where your children are concerned.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I think you should consider the age of the kids and their best interest. Is it in their best interest to know their mother is a cheater and is breaking up the family? In my option it's not right. Kids need to be protected even if that means from the truth sometimes. 

In the end they will find out and when they realize that you knew all along what was happening but didn't tell them for the sake of protecting them/their option of their mom they will likely appreciate you that much more.

Really can you imagine sitting down with your 5 year old and saying mommy is with another man that's why you are divorcing? That child won't even be able to fully grasp what that means. 

I believe as adults, with kids, we should put our own feelings aside and always do what is right for our kids.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Read this.

Should You Tell Your Child About The Affair?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Read this.
> 
> Should You Tell Your Child About The Affair?



Wow that's a tough one. According to the author it's better to be honest right off.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I know if I was a kid and not given the truth, when I got older I'd be pissed that my parents lied to me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> Read this.
> 
> Should You Tell Your Child About The Affair?


Also read this.

My Husband Cheated and I'm Telling the Kids!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Honesty is your best bet. Don't shield them from pain just comfort them. You don't have to be explicit and you need to be age appropriate. I asked my IC counselor this very question and this was the answer she gave me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TimesLikeThese said:


> WW and I are separated, she got an apartment, I'm with my parents while finishing school. She had an EA for aa few months and then we tried to R. I wanted the R, probably too much, and did everything I could, but never felt real remorse from stbxw. The disconnect between her words and actions drove me crazy, I allowed it to interfere with school and it ended up costing me an additional year.
> 
> This attempted R went on for approx 2 years. I made every mistake you can make, I'm sure. I did what I did, but everything was in an effort to improve the marriage. She decided she'd had enough, we separated, told the kids (ages 5, 7, 10) we are living separately from now on and paperwork is being worked on. It took two weeks after we split for her to have the POSOM fly in for their first actual meeting. Her EA was entirely online.
> 
> ...


You've given up on the relationship?


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

Yes, I've given up on the relationship. It's funny, her father asked me that same question last week. Really, I put up with more than a person should in trying to find things and only made things worse. Too nice, lack of consequences. I failed my daughters in how I attempted reconciliation. And I did a lot of damage to my own self worth in that process. I'm better the days and I do not want her in my life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TimesLikeThese said:


> Yes, I've given up on the relationship. It's funny, her father asked me that same question last week. Really, I put up with more than a person should in trying to find things and only made things worse. Too nice, lack of consequences. I failed my daughters in how I attempted reconciliation. And I did a lot of damage to my own self worth in that process. I'm better the days and I do not want her in my life.


Are you certain he's single?

I'd wager he isn't.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

I am not certain. I have no idea how I'd go about finding out or what I'd do with the information.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TimesLikeThese said:


> I am not certain. I have no idea how I'd go about finding out or what I'd do with the information.


Wouldn't his wife deserve to know?

Do you still have access to her car?

How about her cell records, email, IM chat logs, Facebook, etc.?


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

If there was wife on his end she would definitely deserve to know what's going on. I really don't believe there is though. As for your other questions, I can occasionally access her car, but I don't need a VAR to know she is still in contact with him. Facebook, email, cell records, etc. I don't have access to nor do I want access.

I do already know the OM name, city. I know what he looks like and could probably find a picture. I considered a PI once upon a time just to get info to show her that SURPRISE! this isn't a terrific person or even a decent human being. Didn't end up finding a pi though.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

TimesLikeThese said:


> If there was wife on his end she would definitely deserve to know what's going on. I really don't believe there is though. As for your other questions, I can occasionally access her car, but I don't need a VAR to know she is still in contact with him. Facebook, email, cell records, etc. I don't have access to nor do I want access.
> 
> I do already know the OM name, city. I know what he looks like and could probably find a picture. I considered a PI once upon a time just to get info to show her that SURPRISE! this isn't a terrific person or even a decent human being. Didn't end up finding a pi though.



Showing her what kind of person he is won't do any good. 

She's in a fog and will see him the way she wants to. 

Getting OMW involved, however, will completely change the dynamic.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Why, if you have given up on the relationship, would you even care about your ex at this point?

If you tell the kids, it would seem that it would be only natural that ex would spill all the dirt on you as well (and possibly make stuff up), and all that would seem to do is make the kids aware that both their parents are slimeballs...

If you keep tracking people down and trying to make your ex's and POSOM's life miserable, not only are you not going to heal but there is a real chance she will try to make your life miserable too...

I always thought that the VARs and all those other stalker-ish strategies were done to try to defend against the OM... but in this case there is no marriage to defend. All that is left is the kids' wellbeing, no?

And taking an aggressive stance as you draw up paperwork seems like it'd be a sure-fire method to make sure your ex is sufficiently motivated to take you to the cleaners, would it not?

I'm asking these questions genuinely trying to understand what the point of it all would be other than a sense of revenge.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

I do not believe he has a wife, so there isn't anyone to out him to. But since I was originally posting to get advice on talking to the kids I think this thread has gotten a little off track.

Thinking strictly about the kids, I'd say they are doing as well as they can in the situation. We've been living in separate houses for about 8 months now and they're happy when they're with me. I don't enjoy hearing about "mommy's online friend" from my daughters, but I don't want to discourage them from talking about stuff going on in their lives.

As for the reason our marriage ended, I'm sure it will be a question down the road and I'll deal with it at that time. The truth can be told without slinging mud if that's what I decide to tell them. I do think they will need more than "it didn't work out" or "we grew apart".

Acorn - There isn't any dirt for my ex to spill. Could she make things up, I suppose. I'm not saying I was perfect, I make mistakes and bad decisions like everyone else, but there isn't anything I'm ashamed of or wouldn't be able to discuss with my kids. As for OM, I'm not a fan of my kids thinking well of someone who was such a large part of a huge disruption in their lives. I already know he is of low moral character, I just don't know how low and I do have concerns about my kids. I also know how I would feel, being friendly with someone and then learning later how little disregard they had for my well being.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I just can't help but think that your ex would disagree that OM was the cause of your marital breakup, especially if she's in the fog. Not asking you to get into it, but I think it's pretty unlikely.

So, you tell the kids that OM broke up your marriage, and she tells them something like you neglected her with your schooling and she tried to make it work with you for 2 years but you made every mistake in the book so she gave up, separated, and started hanging with OM. 

Now, you're the bad guy. Or maybe she is. Or maybe you both are. But why would you want the kids thinking at least one of their parents is a bad guy, and a liar?

I know I'm usually in the minority on this topic but I don't understand how it helps the kids at all. If the OM (unfortunately) is going to be part of your kids lives, and the kids think he is funny and a good guy and are relatively happy with him, why would you change that? Especially if the kids are doing relatively well right now. Would you prefer that they spend that time unhappy?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your priority is your kids. Be the Dad your supposed to be. If you concerned that you only see them on weekends or how ever you have it set up, then you make sure that the time with them is quality time.

I know of parents both men and women who could be in the same house with their kids 24/7 and not spend on New York minuet of quality time with them.

As far as your wife goes. An on line affair with a guy is IMO really stupid. Like the old saying, your buying a pig in a poke. You can't do anything about her, so take care of yourself and be the best Dad you can be for the kids. 

I have been married twice. Two daughters, one from each marriage. One in their late 30's, the other in her late 20's and neither on has ever asked me what the reason was for the divorce. If it ever comes up, I won't tell them that in both cases Mom committed adultery. I'll tell them it just didn't work out and let the Moms tell them if they want, the real truth.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

6301 said:


> Your priority is your kids. Be the Dad your supposed to be. If you concerned that you only see them on weekends or how ever you have it set up, then you make sure that the time with them is quality time.


I agree. Step up an be there for your kids.

What is to be gained by telling the kids the truth? They are to young to fully grasp the significance of what has happened anyway.

My ex and I sat our kids down and told them that we loved them more than anything but were no longer in love with each other. Even thought she had cheated, why burden them with that knowledge? I know why we divorced and that is all that is important to me. 

Look around and see some of the divorced people around yourself. Usually the most bitter are the ones who decided to sling the mud at their ex. They are never satisfied that they really got revenge and it just seems to ruin them.


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