# My friend's SO of 12 years cheated left, and it's straining my marriage too



## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

Straining is probably a stretch. My husband is unphased by my anxiety. Here's the story:
My dearest friend's significant other of 12 years cheated on her with a much younger woman. When MILDY cornered on odd behavior, he very easily confessed. After some discussion, he promised to stop seeing the woman and work on repairing their relationship. The next day, while at his daughter's ball game, my dear friend checked his phone records. He texted and called this woman relentlessly from the time he left the house until the time he was back in my friend's presence. She confronted him. He basically said, "Yep. I'm out." He has been staying with this woman now for weeks and had ended this 12 year relationship without hesitation. My friend claims she saw few warning signs and that, the ones she did see, didn't seem to indicate and overall unhappiness. She says she feels completed blindsided and she is in shock. (The man has always been standoffish in my book, so I don't know him at all really, and cannot therefore sign off on nor point to any warning signals.) Anyhow, I have been her primary shoulder through this. It is beginning to consume me. Her s/o is a flat broke, unattractive older man. The woman he cheated with/left for is very young and attractive. My husband is a workhorse and wildly attractive. We've been married 10 years (as of 2 weeks ago) and have struggled with intimacy periodically throughout our marriage. I've been CONVINCED that it is due to a lack of attraction to me. My thyroid jumped ship a couple of years ago and it took a while to tweak medication to get it back in line, and during that time period I packed on some pounds that linger. I'm aging... things are changing.... and when we go 2 or 3 weeks without being intimate I start to panic anyway-- even before this. NOW, as I provide a shoulder for my devasted friend, I'm filled with a heaviness regarding my own marriage. What IF I'm right and he is no longer attracted to me... what if I AM too fat, too old... too much of the same old thing. What IF it's not a lack of drive on his part, but a lack of inspiration? God knows, if my friend's guy could land what he did, my husband has much more draw than that guy.... 

Couple of devils in the details:

Yep, we've discussed this stuff. Periodically throughout the marriage when intimacy would disappear and this week, in particular, as my anxiety has climbed from supporting my good friend. My husband dismisses my concerns entirely. Mostly with something like, "Oh whatever. You know better." 

My husband is generally a team player and habitually looks after my daily needs... he gets up first and makes my coffee, scrapes my car windows, makes my breakfast and lunch sometimes... things like that. He is very present and accounted for in these regards. It's really strictly and intimacy issue. The thrill is gone, sex is once or twice a month and it's over with very quickly. 

We have been going to marriage counseling for 6 or 8 months. I'm not sure it has helped at all. We spend very little time talking about us, and spend most of our time talking about our young adult children and their drama (and how it affects us). In fact, our last session got so derailed that our therapist and my husband spent about 40 minutes of the time discussing the inter workings of my husband's field of work. Just interesting details and facts about different aspects of it. I was literally sitting there dumbfounded. 

No, I cannot pull back from the friend for the sake of my sanity. She's really got no one else to lean on and I'm very concerned for her mental health. 

There's my novel, which, with regards to details, still feels wildly inadequate.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You knew pulling back from your friend was necessary, but you nixed that. 

She is more important than your marriage and YOUR mental health? She can lean on her priest, counselor (do you have a mental health degree), community support (YWCA, etc.).

I'm seriously thinking your anxiety and insecurity may be your downfall. Why do you have a need to save her to your detriment (female knight in shining armor)? Perhaps, your husband has more integrity than hers.

Start working on yourself and you will be too busy to worry about others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to do something so that your friend's problems do not overwhelm you as they are. It would be a good idea for you to suggest to her that she get into counseling to help her handle her problems. Maybe she could even join a group session so that she can meet more people.

Another think that you can do if you want to keep giving her support is to start moving her away from this topic. For example, she would benefit from getting active doing things that move her mind away from her problems. Meeting new people would help as well. It would help you as well. For example you two could start going to the gym and working out. Physical exercise does wonders to help alleviate anxiety and depression. Also, you two could find things to do together that include other people. Go to meetup.com and find things that the two of you would like to do. If you do activities like this with your friend, make it a rule that during these times, there is no discussion of her relationship issues. Talk about things that uplift and are fun.

Also encourage her to build her support system, to let others that she's close to know what she is going through so that she get support form others as well.

You getting more active, working out, etc would help your marriage as well. When you go to meetup.com, you might also find things that both you and your husband would enjoy. Start getting active with him as well. That way the two of your would start to build interests outside of your children.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Right now from what you describe all of this is on you. It's about you feeling insecure and really that's it. You should talk about this, with your husband. I am not even saying this is unusual considering you found out such a traumatic thing happened to your friend, but you have to choose how you deal with this. Instead of feeling defeated why not use this to help make your marriage better. To motivate you. 

You are worried about your weight yes? How about exercising, if it's a thyroid issue see your doctor. I say that for you as much as for him, exercise will help with your self confidence and make you feel better. Besides that the good news is most Guys especially ones who are older and have some life experience in them are not all about having the most in shape young women. Your husband sounds like a stand up guy so he is going to be fine with you aging. Assuming you are not morbidly obese his is what reasonable people expect in marriage and life. 

However it should be said that man or women we all have a responsibility to be the best we can be for our spouse to a reasonable degree. This includes appearance. It is not right to just let yourself go. If you do your spouse is rightfully going to question why his or her attraction to you is important to you anymore. It sends a signal that you no longer care to be attractive to your spouse, that their having desire for you is not important. That is why it's a turn off. That is different then I am sick or old and have put on the typical weight that happens with age that we have no control over. 

Besides that what men DO like is enthusiastic lovers, and that has nothing to do with your weight or age. That is were you can do despite the fear that causes you to perceive these failing you think you have. Find your enthusiasm to explore your sexual relationship with him. That will make him feel young and attractive and I am convinced that that is the feeling most people are looking for when they have affairs. The desire is not wrong, it's braking their promise and the disregard and destruction the wreak with that that is. But you don't have to be young or even new to create that excitement you just have to want it with him, and let him know you do. Maybe spice it up a little. Even if you are nervous and insecure, you can even tell him you are at first, but try. Try to really explore your sexual nature with him. Most men will appreciate that and it will bond him to you more then he is already. Try to enjoy him sexually, emotionally, physically and stop worrying. Get out of your own head and put the focus on the man you married. 

Besides the sexual part of this there is also the emotional. But you are not going to have success with most men if your take with them is. "Do you still love me, do you think I am fat, I don't feel close to you anymore." Any smart guy is going to know not to touch that with a 10 foot poll. We know there is no wining with that. Anything you say will probably be taking the wrong way because those questions are born out of a deep insecurity that we can't fix. 

A better take is. "Let's go do something so we can be closer. I don't want all our talks to be about our kids." In other words less fear and more pro-action. 

Finally you should talk to someone about your insecurities (not in a joint marriage counseling setting), sometimes it just good to talk about it.

You need to have the courage to trust your husband though, from what you say he is a good and attentive man, sounds like he has earned the right to be trusted. We don't all cheat. A good portion of us believe that keeping our word is more important then our ego's or orgasm.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I agree with others.
Your friend needs you as PART of her support system, not her whole world. It’s unhealthy for her, you and your marriage
Not to be rude but are you a certified therapist? A trained support worker? A divorce lawyer? A qualified professional? 
If not, then advising her may do more harm than good. Stop thinking that you are her only hope. Thats on YOU, not her.
You are a good friend for keeping an eye on her mental health, but you cant own it and you cant fix it.

If you are paying for MC, why are you not demanding higher calibre? Suggest another MC.
You should also go to IC to help work through your stress and issues.

You have NO concept of how very important intimacy is for men. It is NOT sex, and is As important to them as emotional intimacy is for you.
Get over your body issues. Trust me when I tell you that they neither notice nor care. They love YOU, want YOU.
It’s other women that make women body insecure.

Walking or yoga would help your stress levels. Don’t go with your friend. You need time to recharge to be your best you.

There is something else going on in this affair that is NOT about looks. You say its not money but trust me, the issues will come out.

Stop giving of yourself until you lose yourself, your sanity and your marriage. My bet is if you don’t take control of this, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your husband will switch off in your marriage.

Adult kids are as much work as youngsters.
The key is NOT to get dragged into their drama. The hard part is letting them go enough to solve their own problems. That’s how they grow and get stronger. Enabling them by allowing it to impact your marriage is not a good idea.

Trust me. Been there. Done that. No trophy was awarded.

You sound like a fixer. Trying to fix everyone else but yourself. Fix kids, fix friends. Afraid to put yourself first. 
Don't do that. They will all fix themselves and move on without you. 
Be there for support, but steer them towards their own answers.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think you need a different MC, for starters.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you considered finding another counselor, preferably one that specializes in intimacy issues?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MLK22 said:


> No, I cannot pull back from the friend for the sake of my sanity.


You must.

Breakups/divorces are contagious.


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

It's great that you take care of your friend. What was the reason that you started little therapy or were there any other problems? Was he angry with you or did you think you didn't care about his opinions?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

As many have said you are looking to destroy your own marriage, is this the drama you seek? You must have issues of abandonment and are willing to lose your marriage because of it. Full stop and get ahold of yourself, you don't let friends control your life. Do stop before it is too late.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Everything you described was about your fears.

If you have anxiety, try to start exercising everyday, it will naturally relieve stress and might make you feel better about yourself by being in better shape.

Be careful with your current train of thought.... creating problems that are not actually there can drive a man to change the way he thinks about someone, and then you would be turning your own fears into reality.


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## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

temet nostre said:


> It's great that you take care of your friend. What was the reason that you started little therapy or were there any other problems? Was he angry with you or did you think you didn't care about his opinions?


We were already having intimacy issues and had been, intermittently, for a few years. I'm overwhelmingly attracted to my husband and cannot get enough of him. He seems as though he could take it or leave it most of the time and, if I'm being honest, mostly leave it. It seems like a burden 75% of the time. When he IS interested, it is kind of a "wanna do it?" Kind of thing, and it's over as quick as it started. This is the original basis of my fears here, and the reason we sought counseling. He either has no drive, or he has no desire for me - and for years I've been unsure which it is.


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## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

Tilted 1 said:


> As many have said you are looking to destroy your own marriage, is this the drama you seek? You must have issues of abandonment and are willing to lose your marriage because of it. Full stop and get ahold of yourself, you don't let friends control your life. Do stop before it is too late.


I will be the first to admit I have issues with abandonment. Both of my parents were mostly absent and completely unpredictable. I was raised partially in foster care and mostly by my grandmother. I recognize I bring issues to the table. 

That being said, there are existing and long standing intimacy issues between us that have contributed to my insecurities. He would be the first to tell you that. There's no lack of ownership there. He just says he doesn't really know why. Swears it's not me. It's hard for me to reconcile and even harder to live with a man who drives you wild and has no desire. 

To clarify, my friend is, by no stretch, controlling my life. In fact, she is historically one to hide away when she has problems than to seek out support. I've encouraged her to do so, not just from me - but from her family and other friends too. And she's doing that, and I'm so proud of her for it. We talk on the phone once or twice a day, at least one, good hour long talk, and I stayed over with her about a week ago. My husband has been completely supportive and loves this woman too. She is not imposing on me. My mind is what is imposing on me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MLK22 said:


> We were already having intimacy issues and had been, intermittently, for a few years. I'm overwhelmingly attracted to my husband and cannot get enough of him. He seems as though he could take it or leave it most of the time and, if I'm being honest, mostly leave it. It seems like a burden 75% of the time. When he IS interested, it is kind of a "wanna do it?" Kind of thing, and it's over as quick as it started. This is the original basis of my fears here, and the reason we sought counseling. He either has no drive, or he has no desire for me - and for years I've been unsure which it is.


We are led to believe that men just want to have sex all the time. So when a man does not seem all that interested in sex with his wife, it's often assume that it's because of her. But it's an unfair laying of blame. Men are as likely as women to not want sex, and to even chose to make their marriage sexless. 

Here's a link to a thread that has some info that you might find helpful. It's a long thread so read at least the first few pages that contain info about resources: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a link to a book that you might find helpful....

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner Davis 


.


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## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> MLK22 said:
> 
> 
> > We were already having intimacy issues and had been, intermittently, for a few years. I'm overwhelmingly attracted to my husband and cannot get enough of him. He seems as though he could take it or leave it most of the time and, if I'm being honest, mostly leave it. It seems like a burden 75% of the time. When he IS interested, it is kind of a "wanna do it?" Kind of thing, and it's over as quick as it started. This is the original basis of my fears here, and the reason we sought counseling. He either has no drive, or he has no desire for me - and for years I've been unsure which it is.
> ...


You've made a lot of good points.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MLK22 said:


> We were already having intimacy issues and had been, intermittently, for a few years. I'm overwhelmingly attracted to my husband and cannot get enough of him. He seems as though he could take it or leave it most of the time and, if I'm being honest, mostly leave it. It seems like a burden 75% of the time. When he IS interested, it is kind of a "wanna do it?" Kind of thing, and it's over as quick as it started. This is the original basis of my fears here, and the reason we sought counseling. He either has no drive, or he has no desire for me - and for years I've been unsure which it is.


A standard counselor is unlikely to be able to help you with the intimacy issues. You really do need to think about finding s sex therapist.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

So a question then, is your friend only concern at this time about herself? Or does she care for you enough to tell you and show you to take care of your marriage? If she does do you let her grieve her loss or are you so involved that you must stay at her place to comfort her? I give you credit on seeing this, but possibly in the wrong way of seeing your husband. Sokillme has said another way to change or to make more interesting, what are your views on his advice?


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

“ sure it has helped at all. We spend very little time talking about us, and spend most of our time talking about our young adult children and their drama (and how it affects us).“


Is there a chance you are thriving on the drama and stress? Only asking due to the lines of discussing your adult childrens drama and its impact on your relationship. Followed by ended with cutting ties is not an option. 

Secondly. My husband has low sex drive he could be happy with once a month I’m still learning that its NOT the weight, its not the body changes, its not my anxiety. It really is not me and he shows that to me every single day by being affectionate outside of sex. 


Like starting my truck and making the coffee then walking me up or running me a bath, a massage, makes a point of holding my hand or what ever. We have been married for 10 years as well come July.

It does not always come back to having an affair. Perhaps spending some time together without everyone else’s problems would be very beneficial for you two to connect!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> You must.
> 
> Breakups/divorces are contagious.


Ding, ding, ding....Bingo!

What you fear the most you should avoid. 

Is it that bad things happen to people who are close to bad happenings?

Can we call it bleed over? That bad Fate seems to bleed over into _your Fate._

No! It is much more than this, oft times it is this _joint Fate._

Fate made by choice, by happenstance, by a bigger pictured Fate.

None of us are this island, separate from the bigger Fate. We are all these supporting actors.

Yes.

Step away from this women, share not in her woes, lest they be yours.

Drive not, your husband away with your worries. 

Your fears, your doubts will bleed into your husbands mind and he just might 'unknowingly' seek to own them as his own. 

Again, I say, with, you too, unwittingly doing so, with him not knowing you transferred these (your thoughts) into his sphere.
"Don't give him any ideas", as they say in the States. :surprise:

Forget not, your own marital bound with this man, your husband is a _Fait Accompli._
Ah, but!

While your fates are mingled....
Know that they can be un-mingled, if you allow yourself to be used/abused to your disadvantage by the ever-present unfavorable forces about.



Gwendolyn-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many a chubby lady is taken to bed and ravished.

Not so, for her extra pounds, but for the full bodied pleasure she delivers back to her lover.

She is a delight, both in and out of bed.


The Typist I-


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MLK22 said:


> We were already having intimacy issues and had been, intermittently, for a few years. I'm overwhelmingly attracted to my husband and cannot get enough of him. He seems as though he could take it or leave it most of the time and, if I'm being honest, mostly leave it. It seems like a burden 75% of the time. When he IS interested, it is kind of a "wanna do it?" Kind of thing, and it's over as quick as it started. This is the original basis of my fears here, and the reason we sought counseling. He either has no drive, or he has no desire for me - and for years I've been unsure which it is.


From what you have said I would say that he has a fairly low sex drive. You have only been married 10 years and you say he has been this way for years. He wouldn't have married you if he didn't love and fancy you, and his actions show that he thinks of you and loves you and cares. 
Not all men are obsessed with sex and want it mega frequently. I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about, but I agree with others that you need to step back a bit from this lady. Surely she has other friends and family members who can help? If not suggest a counsellor.


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