# Helping Wife Cope



## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

This post is to ask for comments/suggestions on steps I can take to help my wife cope with my actions prior to our marriage and unfortunately on the day of our wedding.

First when we were dating I had actions that were cold and hurtful. When we were supposed to move in together for the first time I changed my mind and told her that I did not want her to move in. This put her in a bad position as she gave notice at her apartment and also caused trust issues. We stayed apart for a couple of months but managed to get back together however my committment issues remained. We split up again a couple of times before separating for good or so we thought. After my company went bankrupt I was at a position where I needed to decide what I wanted going forward. I decided that she was the most important thing for me and I wanted to be with her. 

So we got back together again. But this time after she moved in I was physically abusive. This needless to say caused her to have more issues with me regarding trust. 

We went through this period and set on marriage. My proposal was lacking in the planning department. I had planned a nice dinner and decided that after dinner we would drive down to the lake and have some wine and then I would propose to her. 
Now I did not prepare what I was going to say, which was a huge error on my part, as my proposal ended with "..so do you want to get married or what?" So even after this she still accepted my proposal. 

As I said earlier during this period I was unemployed so this placed a large constraint on how we could get married. We decided that we would elope at a resort away from the city. A couple of my wife's friends were present. But really my wife did not want this as her wedding. On the night of the wedding after dinner I proceeded to get very drunk and ended up blacking out and passing out on the floor. My wife was left alone by herself on our wedding night.

I will admit that I have issues with self hatred and believed that I was worthless since my early teens and I used alcohol and to a lesser extent drugs as a crutch. But this by no means can diminish my actions. 

We are now going on our second anniversary and I am looking for advice on how I can help my wife, coping with how my actions have caused her to not trust me and the pain she has by not having the wedding se deserved.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

redo your wedding
redo your vows.

And apologize about a hundred times for being a dumb ass.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

Why not ask her what you can do?

Change you act obviously, hide nothing from her, don't give her a reason to distrust you.

Get moving now though, all it's going to take is someone else treating her right and she'll remember all those things and leave.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Hopefully you are no longer abusive, and drinking and drugging.
Actions speak way louder than words.

But perhaps propose again, in the way you initially wanted, and redo your your vows.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Start treating her with respect and love.

Start treating yourself with respect and love -- if not for yourself, then because you are special to her.

Read the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs with her. Talk about them.

Date night once a week and show her that she is loved. And every day, ask yourself how you'd feel about the way you've treated her if you we're leaving the world that night. Learn to recognize what you value in your wife and why -- and how you can be the kind of person you want to be to deserve her.

And if you have not quit your drinking, your abuse, and you anger mismanagement, now would be a good time to do so. And counseling would help.

It would be a good idea for you to tell her why you've had a change if heart and to apologize and explain yourself.

Good luck to you two.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

moxy said:


> Start treating her with respect and love.
> 
> Start treating yourself with respect and love -- if not for yourself, then because you are special to her.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## FrankStJohn (Sep 26, 2012)

I no longer drink or take drugs. I credit my wife with helping me with those issues.

My wife acts like she hates me sometimes. She is often very bitter and angry. It doesn't help that my wife did not have an easy life; she was physically and verbally abused by her mother. My wife has also experienced sexual abuse. 

Because of the things I have done, my wife told me that she views me as just another abuser. She would like to be less bitter but she is too scared to let her guard down again.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. My wife woke up today and told me that she doesn't understand what we are celebrating. Wedding memories make her very sad and this time of year is triggering. 

I have agreed to a vow renewal for our fifth anniversary. I am prepared to give my wife what she didn't have. 

It hurts me that my wife thinks of me this way, but I tolerate her feelings because I know what I did.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

bribrius said:


> redo your wedding
> redo your vows.
> 
> And apologize about a hundred times for being a dumb ass.


This....

...plus devote your time and energy to being the best husband, and the best man you can possibly be.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

FrankStJohn said:


> I have agreed to a vow renewal for our fifth anniversary. I am prepared to give my wife what she didn't have.
> 
> It hurts me that my wife thinks of me this way, but I tolerate her feelings because I know what I did.


Let me rephrase your last statement. _*It hurts me that my wife knows this side of me, but her feelings are 100% JUSTIFIED because of what I did.*_ I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a big difference. She's doing you the favor for not having dropped your butt in the past, you're not doing her any favors.

On the vows, why wait until your 5th. What you do is go out and get her a different kind of ring. One for her right hand that is a re-engagement ring where you plan out what your going to say. Get down on one knee and express all of the things you recognize that you've done and how you're going to do everything you can to be the best man for her you can be. Plan to redo your wedding NOW!!

Also I'd highly recommend counseling for both of you, both IC and then as a couple in MC. There are issues that are still there I'm sure and you coming here shows that you love your wife and that if you both work on it, you could both be very happy long term.


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