# I don't enjoy my husband's company anymore



## Hiker

Married 9+ years, no kids, middle aged and pretty set in our ways. We argue on a regular basis about small and large things and never seem to resolve anything. Some chronic issues: his snoring and unwillingness to even try to do anything about it, my lack of interest in house cleaning and home improvement projects, his negativity, my name calling when we fight. We hardly ever do anything fun or relaxing together anymore. Whenever we do attempt to have a real conversation about any of this (always initiated by me), it degenerates into another typical argument. He thinks we have a good marriage. I don't. It's not what I had in mind for being married.

So I do my thing and he does his and we kind of go about our days tolerating each others' presence, even laughing and goofing around sometimes, but on completely different planes. We don't like the same kind of movies, we can't discuss books because he rarely reads, I'm bored by his thinking out loud about chores or projects he's got to do, his eyes glaze over when I start talking about what some friend said about such and such. He rants about politics and taxes. I refuse to debate with him. We just aren't very compatible. I'm in a different place emotionally than I was when we got married, and I've grown away from him. If we weren't married, he wouldn't be someone I choose to hang out with.

I'm not sure what to do--nothing? Counseling? Divorce? I don't want to make a rash decision, but am not happy in my marriage. Any thoughts on next steps?


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## Entropy3000

You have to decide to work on things or you are done.

I suggest doing His Needs Her Needs. try and remember why you fell in love to begin with. You need to be dating each other.

Indeed it may be over. But you can decide to give it a shot. It takes two, but one person usually has to get the ball rolling.


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## AVR1962

Hiker, I could have written your post. My husband too snores and has tried the nose strips and mouth pieces which have not helped. He has a slight sleep apnia issues and tells me that I could not sleep with the noise of the machine and that is why he doesn't get the C-pap, more like he doesn't want to sleep with the mask on his face but of course I am at fault for everything, he is typically passive-aggressive. I have slept in another room for the past year and he doesn't seem to mind.

My husband and I are 50 and 53, been married 21 years, second marriage for both of us. Our friends are all close to the same age, married from 5-27 years and I can tell you all the women are very unhappy with their husbands.....I hear- lazy, doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to do anything but sit on the computer, fat, slob, loud mouth, thinks he' funny, inconsiderate, selfish. 

We are like you.....he likes Sci-Fi, Trekky fan and I like comedy. If he reads at all it is science fiction books, I read self help and improvement. He likes football and sports on TV, I hate it. He likes to do nothing while I am the busy type. We talk about nothing, normally go out with friends to find an evening enjoyable. He doesn't act like he likes me or even cares but yet I think he likes the idea that we are still married. I think he is comfortable with his life and the way things are, I am not. I have no one to talk to and enjoy my time with, he is happy to be by himself and do all his stuff alone.

Do you guys enjoy anything together? Does he initiate anything like asking you if you are interested in going out to dinner or for a walk? I have interests and will ask him to join me and he does but he never asks me to join him. If anyone initiates conversation, it is me, not him. If someone calls and he answers the phone he won't even tell me who called or what the call was about. 

None of this is new for us though, we have lived this way pretty much our whole marriage. He was more attentive, would actually call, before we got married but it seems once I signed that paper he knew he had me and the pursuits stopped.

He will buy a piece of jewelry, or give me a card or flowers but I feel like I am being bought. Things do not replace interest. Anotehr issue I have had is husband can do as the counselors tell him, even though it is what I have told him from years but he is deaf to anything I feel or say. So if the counselor says give her a card from time to time then here comes this card on a regimented basis like he has it programmed into his computer to buy a card on a certain day of the month. I find that very troubling......nothing comes form this man's heart. He is cold, detached, boring, unresponsive. I feel like I am living with a brick, no life and no emotion.


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## tainted

How long have you felt this way? Can you pin point when it started to go downhill? Could this just be the 7 year itch? Talk it out with him and figure out if you both want to work your marriage or get a divorce.


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## accept1

You and the other posters who are a copy of you dont mention your sex life. The problems usually start there.


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## MrK

Just leave him. For HIM, not you.


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## zookeeper

Hiker:

I applaud you for being able to identify some of your responsibility like the name calling andlack of desire to do housekeeping. Most people seem unable to see past what they don't like about their spouse and don't consider their contribution.

Since you do have this self-awareness, you may be able to right the ship. Since you can only control your own actions, start there. You have identified two things you can directly address. Stop the name calling and up your game in the housekeeping area. Don't expect anything in return yet. Make sure he is aware that you are doing these things because you know they are important to him. 

If he acknowledges the improvement, you then can press him to make some compromises for you like the snoring or negativity. We often get so caught up in what we want that as the resentment builds we become less and less willing to budge, insisting that the other person fix his/her problems first. If one party does not swallow their pride and take the first step, no improvement can take place. Both parties have their perspective and many times they both have validity. 

Your husband may or may not join you. You won't know unless you try. It all comes down to whether or not you actually want to save the marriage. Do you? Do you still feel any love for this man?


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## John Lee

Hiker said:


> t's not what I had in mind for being married.


To me, this is the key sentence in your whole post. What kind of marriage did you "have in mind?" Who ever told you that we're supposed to get the life we "have in mind?" It sounds to me like instead of committing to making it work, you're pouting that it's not meeting your expectations.

Because you don't have kids, there is one less incentive to struggling to make it work if you feel like it doesn't, and the harm from ending the marriage would be much less. But at the same time, I wonder where you think happiness is going to come from, if you're not interested in working toward change, and if you just expect things to be what you "have in mind."


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## Mavash.

Hiker said:


> He thinks we have a good marriage. I don't. It's not what I had in mind for being married.


So what's missing? What did you have in mind for marriage?


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## Emerald

People in relationships DO grow apart which it sounds like your relationship has. Everybody stops trying after awhile & things get boring, routine & stuck in a rut. Apathy sets in.

I think you should try counseling. Have you seen the movie "Hope Springs?" The wife sounds like you but decided to give her marriage one last shot before bailing & they were able to reconnect again.

Think of your marriage like a job you dislike. Would you just show up to work miserable day after day or would you try to do something to change the situation?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm pretty sure you checked out of this marriage. 

My h and I have very very different interests, but we still listen to each other in what we have to say. There's not much he can do about his snoring. My dad snores so loud that it shakes the walls literally. He went as far as surgery and nothing worked. It's not something he does on purpose.

Also, the name calling has to stop. It's emotional abuse. Whether its him or you doing it, it's very bad for the marriage.

Maybe it's best you part ways. Your h isn't the problem here, it's you. I'm not saying this to be mean or rude, but it's the truth. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness.

Good luck.


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## Hiker

Thank you for all the feedback. I really appreciate the consideration. I expected marriage to be more fun. Maybe that was naive. I'm not a shallow person at all, but I do think you should surround yourself with people who help bring out the best in you and inspire you. And with people who you just, well, like. I would like for my husband to be a friend and companion, not just someone who does chores and works hard and resents that I want to spend my time doing a wider variety of things at the expense of those chores. I believe in working smarter, not harder so you have more time for the things in life that really matter.

I was pretty desperate to BE married when we got married--I was approaching 40, never been married and felt a stigma attached to that. Not anymore. I have a much better sense of who I am and am so much more confident in myself. I almost divorced him about 2 years in because of his drinking. He was really having problems. I went to counseling alone, and we went once as a couple. I was on the verge, had talked to a lawyer, rented a storage space, etc., and we decided we could repair the damage at the 11th hour. Yet to this day, he still thinks that was just a little blip on the screen, that it wasn't that serious. He rarely drinks now, and that's a non-issue. But his dismissive attitude has stayed.

I'm quite happy in other aspects of my life--work, good friends and family, hobbies, etc. 

Besides the larger issues I mentioned in my original post, there are so many numerous little things that just bug the hell out me that he does or doesn't do and I call him out on it. (Same for him he says.) For example, today I started clearing out a big cupboard with all kinds of junk that's been shoved into it for years by both of us. The plan is to store much of the stuff more organized in the new arctic entry way he and a hired contractor just built. As I was setting a kitchen appliance up onto a new shelf, he told me how to position it. I know this is a small thing if it happens once in a while, but this kind of "instruction" from him crops up all the time. It's the same old complaint plenty of cohabitors have of the other person telling you how to load the dishwasher. I'm nearly 50 years old. Don't f-ing tell me how to set something on a shelf. Angry--that's how I feel after it keeps happening over and over. I call it his "father knows best" attitude. I tried to tell him that here was an example of just what we talked about last night, that micromanaging habit he has, and he got frustrated and didn't want to talk to me at all anymore, that he had work to do. I know that if I try to talk calmly to him about anything I'm unhappy with, he'll say the same thing he always says, that he thinks I'll never be happy about anything where he's concerned. He's so unwilling to change or even look at our marriage and discuss anything.

I've often felt in recent years that I'd be happier living on my own again. I'm working today on making an appt with a counselor. 

@zookeeper, I'm drawn to your suggestion of taking one thing of mine that bugs him and really step it up and try to please him, but then ask him to also do something in exchange for me. Whenever I've tried this tactic before, he accuses me of keeping score. I realize someone has to be the one to make the first move, and it's already been me so many times that I feel unwilling to try anymore. Ugh.

Maybe I'm too much of a feminist to be happily married to such a conservative man. ???


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## John Lee

Hiker said:


> Thank you for all the feedback. I really appreciate the consideration. I expected marriage to be more fun. Maybe that was naive. I'm not a shallow person at all, but I do think you should surround yourself with people who help bring out the best in you and inspire you. And with people who you just, well, like. I would like for my husband to be a friend and companion, not just someone who does chores and works hard and resents that I want to spend my time doing a wider variety of things at the expense of those chores. I believe in working smarter, not harder so you have more time for the things in life that really matter.


Well, it's hard to really say any of this is unreasonable, although some of it sounds like your positive spin on things your husband would see as a negative. But you're entitled to consider "chores" unimportant, just as he is entitled to consider them important. I wonder if he would say something like "my wife is so messy and disorganized, and I feel like she just doesn't care about the state of our house, and that makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. She wants everything to be about fun and inspiration, but that's not what real life is about." Both perspectives are valid, and it's possible that you're just not compatible. 

If you feel like there's not that much in the marriage for you anymore, then what are the lingering doubts that keep you from leaving?


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## Hiker

Good question. I stay partly because it's easier, and because often after we fight we later joke about it and roll our eyes. I know this is a normal part of any relationship, but in the midst of the frustration and anger I always just want to be done with him. It's hard to keep a healthy sense of humor in the moment. It pops up later, usually, and I think I must be crazy to want to leave. So I am conflicted, for sure. Financially we both have it great, because we live simply and don't have debt. We both work seasonally, so do have a lot of free time for other pursuits. We're both very aware of how lucky we are right now in that respect and don't take it for granted. 

Sometimes I think I just need to chill and try a lot harder to keep my sense of humor about marriage in general. But I definitely need to learn some new ways to interact with my husband. I know that my own attitude and responses are the only thing I can control.

Again, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm honestly looking for a solution and am open to suggestions.


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## Hiker

Entropy3000 said:


> You have to decide to work on things or you are done.
> 
> I suggest doing His Needs Her Needs. try and remember why you fell in love to begin with. You need to be dating each other.
> 
> Indeed it may be over. But you can decide to give it a shot. It takes two, but one person usually has to get the ball rolling.


We do agree that we need to go on more dates. We do like going out to dinner together. A movie once in a while, but it's usually one with lots of special effects that justifies paying money to see it on a big screen. I've given up asking him to go on walks, even to take our dog. He just won't go. Guess we need a few new ideas for dates, or even mini-dates.


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## Hiker

AVR1962 said:


> Hiker, I could have written your post. ...


I'm sorry. You sound lonely with your husband. Sounds like he's unhappy with himself. Or maybe he really is a cold fish. Who knows. We are all struggling with something. Some people are just nicer and more attentive than others. Some people really are jerks. I think in all this there's not one right answer, there are only the choices we make and then live with.


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## Blonde

Hiker said:


> Maybe I'm too much of a feminist to be happily married to such a conservative man. ???


A control freak like that NEEDS a feminist who won't let him get away with it.

If it was me (nowadays), I make the experience unpleasant enough for him that he doesn't want a repeat. IOW don't submit to his micromanaging, don't reward it, don't allow it. 

Been married 31yrs and I was formerly a submissive wife now feminist. H has grown up a lot since I grew a backbone.


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## RClawson

It is posts like these that make me wonder why I am banging my head against the wall. I can relate to a great deal of what you say Hiker. My W seems to believe we have a fantastic relationship and why shouldn't we because as far as I am concerned it is all on her terms.

We both snore but I am a light sleeper so I sleep in the spare room most nights. We do not have much of the same interest in books, entertainment, activities etc. She definitely spends more quality time with her friends than with me. We do have the obligatory date night once a week but she really cannot have a conversation with me unless we are talking about her job.

Now we do not argue much and there is an overall peaceful atmosphere at the homestead but I want to scream most of the time because she is so "content". How can this be?

I recently started working in another city and stay with friends during the week. She tells me she does not like it that I am away and wishes I was there. I find this confusing. I ask her to explain to me what is different about me not being there than when I am there. She has no answer. Oh wait she has to take care of the dog and do some extra housework.

I see couples enjoying each other and I both admire them and am envious at the same time. I feel like I am in quicksand. I wish I had some answers for you but honestly if you have the fortitude to leave I would tell you to go for it.


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## MrK

Hiker said:


> Married 9+ years, *no kids*


I'm not reading any further. Freakin' walk-away's. When in gods name are we going to start talking about this?

Look at that bolded part above. Leave him, for him, not you. Print that original post and hand it to him as you walk out the door. It will kill him, but he may be able to fix himself for his next wife. Give him a chance at happiness.

But I've got REALLY bad news for you: your next husband won't be prince charming either. Not many of us are.

Good luck.


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## MrK

AVR1962 said:


> Our friends are all close to the same age, married from 5-27 years and I can tell you all the women are very unhappy with their husbands.


How refreshing to actually hear this. Maybe I'm NOT just paranoid.


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## MrK

MrK said:


> Just leave him. For HIM, not you.


Maybe I should have read a little further.



Sorry for the double post.


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## monti_83

sounds like you both Type A people and that he doesnt care cause you dont care. You said he did slow way down on his drinking so a part of him does care. I agree you cant hold the snoring against him and you cant do things with the intentions of getting something in return cause that takes away the meaning of what you did. you get what you give. you see it as micromanaging maybe thats his way of trying to be involved and help out some people never learn how to. But you have to love him for him and not what you expect him to be and you def cant force him to be. there no reason why your grass cant be greener but it takes effort the grass not goin to cut or fertilize or water itself. you will see my wife and i had our rough patches and that was due to complacency and getting selfish when times have gotten rough i stopped us we talked feelings were hurt and now i do so much for her and she does so much for me and thats without expecting anything in return. we do it cause we love and respect each other!


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## Hiker

monti_83 said:


> you see it as micromanaging maybe thats his way of trying to be involved and help out


Interesting observation. I've never thought of it quite that way before. Thank you for a new perspective.


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## Marbar.8

I am in a similar situation, I come from a family of failed marriages, and I really wanted mine to be different. However, now I feel like I have settled. My husband is trying to start a business, but because of my very demanding job (that supports us, his pursuit is more of a hobby at this point) I find it impossible to support him. To me, he is entitled and takes for granted the life that my stressful job affords us. I work to the point of it affecting me physically, I am working myself to death and he wants the fancy car and the huge house and I just want to live in a tiny house in the woods. But, I can't stand up for myself. I am always bending to his needs to avoid conflict, or because I simply don't have the energy for whatever happens after I decide to really stand up for myself. I know marriage is a partnership, but my selfish husband has always looked after himself, and expects me to do everything. I resent him. But just like you, we have fun some times, although the things that strikes me often is that I would not choose him if I were stranded on a desert island for the next 10 yrs. I would choose someone who inspires me, whom I have more in common with, who I could see as a partner in life. I HAVE told him these feelings, over and over and now that we're in therapy he acts as if it's my problem for not being clear enough. We're 8 years in to our relationship and married for 3. I don't want to waste either of our time. I think he's a good person, but if he asked me to marry him today I would say NO. I truly believe there is someone out there that will appreciate him for who he is, and maybe I'm just dragging him down, while I feel like he's dragging me down. Everything I have achieved I feel like it has been in spite of him, and I have also told him that before. He has said that if we are going to get divorced I will have to end it, and to me this is very manipulative because he knows what a pushover I am. I will put anyone's needs over my own. Which I know I need to change, but the facts are the facts for now. He knows how to manipulate my feelings, and does so often. He tries to help me sometimes and I have noticed that his BAD attitude is improving, but should I bang my head against a brick wall trying to make it work with him just because "its the right thing to do", or should I end it in pursuit of someone I admire for the person they are, who supports me, who pushes me, and who has the same values?

Sorry for all the back story and I don't want to hijack your thread. I guess reading yours got me thinking about mine, and that kinda how I process. I think personally I've already made up my mind, and I think you should pursue someone who makes you happy, and release him so he can find the same. We only have one life.


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## Slartibartfast

..


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## highwood

Hiker said:


> Good question. I stay partly because it's easier, and because often after we fight we later joke about it and roll our eyes. I know this is a normal part of any relationship, but in the midst of the frustration and anger I always just want to be done with him. It's hard to keep a healthy sense of humor in the moment. It pops up later, usually, and I think I must be crazy to want to leave. So I am conflicted, for sure. Financially we both have it great, because we live simply and don't have debt. We both work seasonally, so do have a lot of free time for other pursuits. We're both very aware of how lucky we are right now in that respect and don't take it for granted.
> 
> Sometimes I think I just need to chill and try a lot harder to keep my sense of humor about marriage in general. But I definitely need to learn some new ways to interact with my husband. I know that my own attitude and responses are the only thing I can control.
> 
> Again, I really appreciate the feedback. I'm honestly looking for a solution and am open to suggestions.


Sounds similar to my marriage. Financially we do better together for sure, low debt, etc. but we have no closeness, etc. We have been married for 20 + years. At times I want to leave but then I feel scared, scared of being on my own, scared of what others will think leaving a marriage simply because you are not happy, etc. It is not like we have date nights or love weekends because then we are together. I find it awkward when we are around other couples and you have that one lovey dovey couple holding hands, etc. it then triggers in me how so opposite of that we are. 

I feel jealous sometimes when I hear other women talk about their husbands and how good they have it. I remember one gal I worked with and how her husband put together a big surprise for her and it was something to do with adding something to her wedding ring, but all I can remember thinking at the time was wow my H would never surprise me or put the effort into anything like that, he is just not that type. Or I will hear someone talk about how her husband took her vehicle in and got it detailed for her, whereas my H would say don't waste money on detailing just do it yourself. 

Even Christmas because all our money is basically joint, we don't even bother buying for each other. I tried to for few years but he has no clue what to buy me so his gift to me was a gift card where as I would try and put some effort into buying stuff for him like clothes, etc. He would never surprise me with a gift that he picked up on his own instead he will say well just tell me what you want....so then it is like why bother then. Why should I try and surprise him and buy him gifts and put thought into it when all I would get is a gift card?

It is hard to know what the right thing to do is?? I wish I had a fortune teller who could tell me yes do this and it will all work out.


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