# Blindsided after 20 years



## Lynn358 (May 10, 2020)

I came home from work on Monday night February 10 and was informed he was leaving. According to him neither one of us was happy and he had decided he wawe s leaving. He wanted his vehicle some money his "stuff" and to see his daughter(we also have a son). I tried to get him to talk about it. His respones was and still is that he doesnt know what to say and can't put it into words. The night before I was informed that I wasn't happy I was planing our 20th anniversary trip. For 2 days I tried to get him to open up. I tried to get him to wait to the end of the school year even offered to work more so I wouldn't be home if he did. His response was that wouldn't be good for the kids to stay when he wasn't happy. even though he was the only one who knew he wasn't happy. I asked him why we couldn't talk about it and try to work on whatever the issues were and he said simply because he didn't want to. I told him then that he was going to be the one to tell our kids which he did the following night Feb 12 while I was at work so I don't exactly what he told them. Feb 12th he told me he found a place and moved out on the 13th. I tried sveral times to get him to talk to me texting him about once a week to ask if he was ready to talk. His response was always that he said everything already and doesnt understand what I want. After about 2 months we finally had an almost conversation in which he decided he couldn't talk to me about stuff because I was always at work. I work 2 jobs and have most of our relationship that was not new or unusual. I pointed out several occasions we had to talk and had about other things including the anniversary trip and our lack of sex life(which was our one recurring issue). To clarify we worked opposite shifts and it was difficult to get together sometimes but when we did have opportunities he never took advantage. Then he said I should have realized there was something wrong with him and called him out on it. Despite what he believes his actions never changed. When we were home together all we did was watch TV. The only difference I ever saw was the day before he informed me. We had gone out for the day and he was quiet. Our relationship was not perfect we went through quiet phases where we didn't talk much. I had no reason to believe this was any different. I can't get over how he changed practically overnight and can't give me a reason why. He still says its not another woman and he can't explain it any better than he already has. I have pointed out the mid life crisis point he is just turned 48 and he admitted he could see the similarities in some other stories I sent him but still wont talk about it. I never saw any of this coming and don't know how to handle it. How do you deal with issues when you don't even know what they are?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well, I would begin a new start by not contacting him. He obviously wants space and distance - the reason will surface as time moves along.

I would never beg any man to love me or stay.

so get busy building a new life with your kids - have the kids also reach out to him directly and get them in a habit of communicating with him regularly. Also have them schedule times/days they spend with him so they can feel they depend on time with him.

Do not chase him. Only answer questions he asks. Get to a point where you feel neutral - that way it hurts less when he disappoints you.

consider filing for divorce - he seems like he decided he was done a while ago.

and I’m really sorry - hugs. Time for you to look after your best Interest.

why not work one job? Your kids are going to need you home.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Lynn358 , sorry but there is definitely another woman and has been for some time. No man leaves a home with his kids if he isn't going to something better (in his view).
You now have to go scorched earth. No begging, pleading, no arrangements with kids, nothing. His relationship with them is not your responsibility.

Go dark. Change the locks on the doors. He has been planning this for some time. What a horrible thing to do to someone.
Get a lawyer immediately and see what your options are.
Then get a good PI and have him followed and collect as much evidence as possible. What are the divorce laws like in your state?
He is now playing a game with you, gas lighting and leaving you in the dark. You go dark on him.
Tell all your family and friends what he has done, leave him no room to manipulate the truth of what he has done. Tell everyone.
Incidentally why were you working 2 jobs, was he pulling his weight finances department.
How old are your kids?
Start taking good care of yourself, go to a gym, join a club, join a support group.
See a therapist for counselling. You can get through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There most likely is someone else in the picture. Cheaters lie. There is no reason to believe he's telling the truth when he says that there is no one else.

I agree with the others that you need to file for divorce and start building a new life for yourself.

From here on out you need to interact with him per the 180 (see link in my signature block below). The idea is that to protect yourself you minimize any contact with him. 

You need to take care of yourself and your children!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t expect him to tell you the truth about another woman. Men very rarely just leave, and give as little information as he has, without the possibility of someone waiting in the wings. But that’s not something they want to admit. What they generally say, later, is they met someone after they moved out. That’s unlikely. 

What should you be doing? Not texting or calling him. He’s not interested now. At some point he may show up on your doorstep again — usually that happens when the other relationship doesn’t work — and then you’ll need to decide the next step. Or you could file now but it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for that yet. The important thing is to focus on you and your children and not on him. He’s going to do what he wants to do. You can’t make him want to be with you. Let him go.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry you're going through this. Sometimes there are no words.

Just know that you'll make it through and come out in a happier state if mind. It may not seem that way now but you'll be ok.

The dates showing his timeline of reporting to you he's unhappy are very much only that; he's saying what happened but that's not what really happened. 

How swiftly this moved through him saying he's unhappy, finding a place, moving out is almost a dead giveaway that he's been seeing someone else already and has been working on the logistics for quite some time.

Whether he is or isn't really doesn't matter. Of course I think he is, but only time will tell.

You have to think what's best for you and kids. Pls don't think for an instant that H has your best interests as his number one priority now.


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## Lynn358 (May 10, 2020)

The kids are 16 and 19. He contacts our duaghter through social media but only reaches out to our son after I mention it. I worked 2 jobs because I feel comfortable with a backup job I once worked for a factory and when it closed we went through finance issues. He always worked I woildn't have put up with a moocher. I also want to say that I never asked him to come back I just wanted to talk thinking it might help me get through if it made sense. Obviously doesn't.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lynn358 said:


> The kids are 16 and 19. He contacts our duaghter through social media but only reaches out to our son after I mention it. I worked 2 jobs because I feel comfortable with a backup job I once worked for a factory and when it closed we went through finance issues. He always worked I woildn't have put up with a moocher. I also want to say that I never asked him to come back I just wanted to talk thinking it might help me get through if it made sense. Obviously doesn't.


So what are you going to do going forward?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Either he has had some form of breakdown, or he is cheating or looking to cheat.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, it never does make sense — not even if you talk for days and weeks and months and years. What most of us really want is to find out it didn’t happen. But that’s not reality.


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## Lynn358 (May 10, 2020)

I like the beakdown opinion. No idea how but just going to keep doing whagoing to Germany t I have to for the kids sake. Am going to Germany next year a trip I was going to skip since we couldn't afford it with that anniversary trip also.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lynn358 said:


> I like the beakdown opinion. No idea how but just going to keep doing whagoing to Germany t I have to for the kids sake. Am going to Germany next year a trip I was going to skip since we couldn't afford it with that anniversary trip also.


Are you saying that you now plan to go to Germany with your children?

What are you doing for yourself these days?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The simplest answer is often the correct one. A breakdown is kind of a stretch IMO. What’s more likely is just general mid-life dissatisfaction. That vague feeling of “is this all my life is”. Difficult to articulate but still there. It can lead to substance abuse. It can lead to cheating. It can lead to divorce. Or all of that or (hopefully) none of that. The only person who knows for sure is him and he’s not talking. But he’s obviously going to do what he wants to do. So focus on making _your_ life better because that’s the only one you control.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

I was in an almost identical situation a year ago. Husband denied OW, posters on here generally felt there was OW. There were red flags but I had brushed them aside believing my H could never be unfaithful. He referred to her as a ‘good friend’. 6 months later he admitted they were dating. I will never believe she wasn’t the reason for his leaving. His OW is 15 years younger.
The initial complete bewilderment and being paralysed by shock slowly wears off. But a year on I’m still struggling and have some very bad days. It’s good to have places to share, get wise words of advise and vent.


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## Lynn358 (May 10, 2020)

If there were signs I never saw them not even now looking back. His behavior never changed until the day before. We didn't argue. There were no fights. I wonder if I would feel better if we had fought sometimes


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Lynn358 said:


> How do you deal with issues when you don't even know what they are?


Indeed. I have learned over the last year all you can do is focus on yourself and your own life. My H may as well be on another planet. I believe it is characteristic of the midlife crisis and possibly flattery and attention from someone else that usually leads to these types of scenarios.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Lynn358 said:


> If there were signs I never saw them not even now looking back. His behavior never changed until the day before. We didn't argue. There were no fights. I wonder if I would feel better if we had fought sometimes


I was in your shoes a little over a year ago. Out of the blue my H said "something was missing" in our relationship. But, he did not move out right away and after some snooping, I confirmed the affair. I also would have said nothing was wrong with our relationship but, over time, I realized that there was. 

My advice: get an attorney and a therapist. Take care of yourself and your kids. 

Hugs.


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## Lynn358 (May 10, 2020)

Now hes gone from he wasn't happy to he was miserable. Just don't know what that says about our life given nothing ever seemed any different.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Lynn358 said:


> Now hes gone from he wasn't happy to he was miserable. Just don't know what that says about our life given nothing ever seemed any different.


it says only about him. Do not take this to mean anything about you. It’s about him.

he’s got an interest in someone else. So he’s unhappy with you because he wants to play with his shiny new toy (OW).
And since he’s a guy who doesn’t know how to HONOR the vows he took - be glad his miserable self is gone! Now you can grow and be happy on your own - without his miserable self dragging you down.

and I think he’s a liar. So know that too. He’s a cheater AND a liar. If you dig around (or show up at his place at night or early morning unexpectedly - you’d likely find his OW there with him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lynn358 said:


> If there were signs I never saw them not even now looking back. His behavior never changed until the day before. We didn't argue. There were no fights. I wonder if I would feel better if we had fought sometimes


You like this option because it is the least painful but not necessarily the truth


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lynn358 said:


> Now hes gone from he wasn't happy to he was miserable. Just don't know what that says about our life given nothing ever seemed any different.


Lynn, this is him re-writing your marital history and very likely is NOT true. He is doing this to justify his actions (which MAY be related to another woman, or may just be to make himself not feel so bad about leaving you in the lurch).
It really says NOTHING about your life, other than perhaps the most recent few months.
He is miserable NOW, and he is projecting that into the past, again to justify things to himself.


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