# Is this normal in marriage?



## CMinIowa (Aug 24, 2018)

Hello everyone!

I'm a new member, and in the interest of getting some solid feedback/advice, I'm going to be completely honest in this post - not only about my wife, but about myself. 

My wife and I met in 2014. She had a 7-year old daughter from a previous relationship, but the kid's father has never been (and will never be) in the picture; the daughter has never even been in the same room with her father. 

Prior to meeting my wife, I had been in a pretty toxic relationship with a woman who also had a child. But she was a terrible person, and I would venture to say (without wanting to fall into the internet tradition of armchair psychology) a complete sociopath. Her lack of parenting turned her child, who was already autistic, into a complete nightmare. When I finally broke free of that relationship after 4 years, I promised myself that I would never again get involved with a woman who had children. As unfair as that may sound, I was basing that decision on the suffocating experience I'd just endured.

But, when I met my wife's 7-year old, she was the polar opposite of my ex's child. She seemed polite, not overly clingy, and mature for her age. If it was possible for me to ever get involved with a parent again, I believed that this was the perfect situation. At first, my stepdaughter and I got along as well as can be expected. But in the beginning, I was also visiting and then leaving to go home. When I became more of a _permanent fixture_ by moving in, I saw a subtle change in my stepdaughter's behavior. She became more distant, which I attribute to her resentment over the fact that she no longer had her mother to herself.

By the time my wife and I got married, she suggested (didn't really ask, just kind of implied) that, in addition to my vows to her, I should add in vows to my stepdaughter. At this point, my stepdaughter and I were basically just tolerating each other's existence but there was no closeness at all. My wife's suggestion about the vows kind of backed me into a corner, because I'd look like a real jerk if I refused. What kind of person would tell a woman they're about to marry that they don't want to say vows to their kid? I really thought it was unfair for my wife to put me in such a position - but more than that, I thought it was odd that she didn't consider the scenario from my perspective. I _always_ consider how my words/actions affect other people. Nevertheless, I let it go and said the vows to my stepdaughter. I'm paraphrasing, but they were general sentiments about accepting her as my own, etc. In all honesty, I didn't mean any of it. I didn't (and still don't) have any feelings toward my stepdaughter at all. I don't think that feelings are something you can just assume out of obligation; they either exist or they don't. In this case, they don't.

One of the things my wife and I first discussed was moving. We were supposed to move back to my hometown (which I had planned to do anyway before meeting my wife). My wife visited the area several times and loved it; she said it reminded her of her own hometown. 

A quick sidebar: When my wife was 14, her parents moved her to where we currently live. She was moved away from her grandparents (to whom she was very close) and all of her friends, and she was miserable for years as a result.

But, when I asked how my stepdaughter would react to moving away from her grandparents and school friends, my wife said that "she would adapt and get used to it." The only request my wife had was that we wait until my stepdaughter finished elementary school (a wait of 3 years). I agreed.

Fast forward. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, and in that time, I have come to feel like the least important person in the house. I work full time, then come home every day and make dinner. My wife had a stroke in 2016 (and made a full recovery with no residual damage) and I began making dinner all the time after that. I also make my stepdaughter's dinner every night, pack her lunch for school every day, and drive her to school every morning. She finished elementary school this past June, and we were supposed to move. But when it came time to talk about moving, my wife had a full blown panic attack and we got in a huge fight.

The bottom line is that she doesn't want to uproot her daughter (because my wife was uprooted herself). So, I'm being made to live somewhere I don't want to live because of my stepdaughter, who, at this point in time, basically ignores me. It seems like if something upsets my wife, we make changes to accommodate that. If something upsets my stepdaughter, we make changes to accommodate that. But if something upset me, it's too bad and I'm expected to just deal with it. Again, I feel like the least important person, like my feelings don't matter, even though I work FT and essentially pay for everything (my wife works PT).

My wife is pregnant and due in January. It's my first (and will be my only) biological child. Concessions are ALREADY being made for my stepdaughter. Everything is always about her and I'm frankly tired of it. My child is going to get genuine attention from me, whether she likes it or not. I can't help that I don't have any feelings towards my stepdaughter; she isn't an easy child to like. She's lazy, doesn't finish anything she starts, and is basically a hedonist. My wife allows that behavior because she's afraid to reprimand her. My wife's parents spoil my stepdaughter to death; they've given her everything she's always wanted, she's never had to face disappointment - not even once. As a result, she has no coping skills. 

So, rather than try to reverse the damage from all the coddling, everyone continues to coddle her. It feels like my wife and her side of the family are all that matters. I understand that I'm the man, but I don't think it's right that I have no say in anything that happens. Whenever I've tried to talk to my wife about these things, she just shuts down. I can't have an open/honest conversation with her because in the end, any resolution would require her and/or her child to change their behaviors, which is the same as her having to admit that her anxiety, her parents, and her daughter's lack of growth are causing all the problems.

I just don't know what to do and I'm hoping for some constructive advice.

Thanks for reading!


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I can count at least four points in your story where you failed to put your foot down...and you are reaping the consequences.

Here is the thing about acquiescence...it only gets harder to put boundaries in place with time. It is almost like a fish in a net...they start out slightly tangled, then a little bit more, and more, and more, until they find themselves completely immobilized. This is exactly where you are.

What led to this? Your inability to say no, which is exactly how you were in a 4 year toxic relationship (rather than 1 or 2 years).

If you change nothing, nothing will change. Are you prepared put your marriage at risk to draw your line in the sand?

You need to read two books ASAP.

1. No More Mister Nice Guy by Robert Glover
2. Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine

The first teaches you how to have boundaries and to stand for them. The second teaches you how to lead a principled life.

Here is the rub, though, brother...this may lead to you losing your marriage. At a minimum, it will be tense for a year or so as you work on resetting your roles and boundaries.

If you don't have that fight in you, don't bother and just roll over.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

That's a tough situation. As far as moving goes.....She needs to honor her original commitment to you and agree to move, assuming that's still important to you. It almost sounds as if she had a personality change after her stroke. Is this accurate? It sounds as though your stepdaughter is running the show. That has got to stop. Your wife is not working, I assume and she can't make dinner and the lunches for her own kid? Unacceptable. The salt in the wound in this story is that your wife is now expecting. Ugh..........I think it's ultimatum time. You may not like the answer but to continue to live as your are will eat you alive over time. Keep us posted.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I have one word: counseling. The situation doesn't sound healthy at all, and not just for you. The new baby will not be safe in this situation. Also your stepdaughter is being taught that she will always get her way and it sounds like she rules the roost. No child should ever rule the home until they move out on their own and are no longer a child. 

I'm going through my own issues being married and having two step children. My stepdaughter's mother will not discipline her at all and gives her everything she wants. It's to the point where every time she comes to her father and me we have to start from scratch. Her mother refuses to tell her no when she wants something, feeds her all kinds of junk food and not real food. It's tough. If I could get all three of us in counseling to fix it I definitely would. Hopefully counseling can help with your situation before it gets worse. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## CMinIowa (Aug 24, 2018)

The problem, in summary, is that my wife, her child, and her parents, cannot deal with any level of change. Being asked to change anything about their lives or routine makes them crumble and fall over. So because I have better life skills, I'm expected to deal with more, and I think it's just unfair. I do not want to raise my child where we currently live - and I may not have any say over my stepdaughter, but I do over my actual child.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Unfortunately, somebody in that house has to be an adult. My suggestion, let the kid be disobedient, or do something to get into trouble, then LOWER THE BOOM. Give the kid consequences up the wazoo. Tell your wife that time has come for discipline, and if the kid don't like it, she can go live with her grandparents. I had a "salad" family. I do not say blended, as that connotes an even mix. I have yet to see anything even. In this case, Mom was new to this universe and Dad had two girls who were given the keys to the kingdom after Mom fell off the edge of the world. The girls were out of control. Everything that Mom warned against, the girls just went ahead and did. She kept saying one or both were going to turn up pregnant. Well, eldest girl, smart, got the world on a string, has college coming up. Has her pick of schools and full ride scholarships. Then, as my client predicted, summer before college, and she turns up pregnant. Dad finally becomes a dad. She is made to refuse all of her scholarships. She is made to go out and get a job. She is given the opportunity to either carry to term and give the child up, or terminate the pregnancy. She opts to terminate. Thinks that Dad will just let her take her scholarships and blow town. NOPE. New Mom and Dad have already told each school that his daughter is taking a year to "check out every possibility". He makes her keep the job, and stay virtually grounded for a year and apply to colleges the next year. Girl smartened up PDQ. The little sister got an eye and earful. New mom was ready willing and able to tell the girls what was what. The eldest was dealt a lesson, and youngest learned by watching big sister screw up.


----------



## CMinIowa (Aug 24, 2018)

My plan has kind of been to allow my stepdaughter to self-destruct based on how she's been raised. And when I say self-destruct, I don't mean drugs, etc. I mean, I'm going to allow her laziness and lack of ambition to become a burden on my wife...while simultaneously making sure my child is completely different by comparison.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

CMinIowa said:


> My plan has kind of been to allow my stepdaughter to self-destruct based on how she's been raised. And when I say self-destruct, I don't mean drugs, etc. I mean, I'm going to allow her laziness and lack of ambition to become a burden on my wife...while simultaneously making sure my child is completely different by comparison.




The problem with this method is your child is going to see this and be just like her. If you're going to be married to this woman her child comes with her. They are a package. You not feeling anything for her child is on you. It's up to you to make the effort, not the child. You treating these two children differently is going to lead or favoritism and mayhem like you've never seen. If the foot goes down for one it goes down for both. You should not have agreed to say vows to her child if you didn't mean them. A child can feel when they're not wanted or loved and that could be part of her acting out. Her mother isn't the only one responsible for her upbringing now, you are too. 

I apologize if I come off harsh but it really irks me hearing how you don't care for your stepdaughter. You can't pick and choose. If you want her mother you have to want her too and she needs to see it. You're acting no better than a spoiled child by not showing her any affection. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just be sure to have a family lawyer verify that any verbal "vows" made about the daughter do not legally compel him to look after her in the event of a potential divorce action with her mother!*


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez, I was all set to tell you to run hard and fast like the wind, and then I see your wife is pregnant. Why on earth you'd choose to bring a kid into this miserable situation is beyond me. Actually, I'd still run but that's just me.

I'm not going to give you Hell for not liking your stepdaughter. I know plenty of people with over-indulged princesses who have NO problem making *everyone* else miserable with their nasty attitudes and self-entitled actions because their mother or father refused to actually discipline them and continually over-indulged them their whole lives.

Know what you get when you raise your kid the way your wife is raising her kid? Women in their 60's or 70's STILL supporting their loser 30 or 40-something year old daughters and STILL cleaning up their messes for them, over and over and over again. I watched my brother do it for years with his daughter who he didn't discipline and I've watched my boss do it for years, going broke dishing out money and cleaning up the messes her 38 year old daughter continues to make. It's a never-ending cycle.

*That's *what you get when you suck at parenting, like your wife. The worst part is that she probably thinks she's Super Mom. She's not. She's a fool.


----------



## CMinIowa (Aug 24, 2018)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> CMinIowa said:
> 
> 
> > The problem with this method is your child is going to see this and be just like her. If you're going to be married to this woman her child comes with her. They are a package. You not feeling anything for her child is on you. It's up to you to make the effort, not the child. You treating these two children differently is going to lead or favoritism and mayhem like you've never seen. If the foot goes down for one it goes down for both. You should not have agreed to say vows to her child if you didn't mean them. A child can feel when they're not wanted or loved and that could be part of her acting out. Her mother isn't the only one responsible for her upbringing now, you are too.
> ...


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Sorry, but the way you are treating your stepdaughter is wrong.
You have basically given up on her and are trying to start a new family with her mother...and are pushing her aside. How do you think she is going to react?
She is a child. You are the adult. Grow up. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will discover that your child's mother and half-sister will end up having a lot more influence on your child than you think they will.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

CMinIowa said:


> Akfranklin2014 said:
> 
> 
> > Well, to be fair, my child is going to have the benefit of my parenting, and my stepdaughter has basically given me a blueprint of everything to teach my child not to be. There will of course be rules for my child as well, but my stepdaughter will be 12 years old by the time my child is born...so when my child is old enough to have rules to follow, my stepdaughter will be well into her teen years and the same level of rules won't even apply.
> ...


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

CMinIowa said:


> The problem, in summary, is that my wife, her child, and her parents, cannot deal with any level of change. Being asked to change anything about their lives or routine makes them crumble and fall over. So because I have better life skills, I'm expected to deal with more, and I think it's just unfair. I do not want to raise my child where we currently live - and I may not have any say over my stepdaughter, but I do over my actual child.


Listen brother, the problem is exactly what @farsidejunky said in almost the first post. 

You are a pushover. You don't know how to stand up for yourself. Frankly, your current wife saw you coming from a mile away.

She saw an easy patsy that she and her daughter could use and take advantage of FROM THE VERY START. 

You need to man up, read those books and take charge of your family. If you don't, not one else will...


----------



## CMinIowa (Aug 24, 2018)

xMadame said:


> Sorry, but the way you are treating your stepdaughter is wrong.
> You have basically given up on her and are trying to start a new family with her mother...and are pushing her aside. How do you think she is going to react?
> She is a child. You are the adult. Grow up.
> 
> ...


I resent the implication that I'm having a child of my own with some kind of ulterior motive in mind. Both my wife and I wanted this child and tried hard for 3 years to have it. My stepdaughter is excited about the new child too, so nobody is leaving her out or "giving up on her" as you put it.

In fact, my wife is tripping over herself making sure that my stepdaughter will get the same level of attention as an infant...since 12-year olds obviously need the same level of attention as an infant. 

I think you're failing to grasp just how much I have tried to bond with my stepdaughter. SHE is the one who consistently pushes the attempts away. We went to visit my side of the family a few months ago, and my mother offered to take my stepdaughter out for the day. My stepdaughter just said "no."

I'm sorry, in what version of reality does that translate to me "giving up on her"?

What am I supposed to do? Never have a child of my own because I can't get somebody else's child to like me? Two weeks ago, I asked her if she'd like to go see a movie.

"No."

I'm just done trying. I'm over it. I guess keeping a roof over her head, keeping her fed, taking her to school, making her lunch, etc. just isn't enough. 

What else am I supposed to be do? Just shut up, keep working full time, keep paying for everything, and have no feelings? That's the equivalent of me telling a woman to shut up and get in the kitchen.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You've set the tone by bending over backwards doing to much and requiring very little. Now you will reap what you've sewn.

Better wake up. 

However, from your posts I doubt you'll listen.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So this is her fault?


CMinIowa said:


> The problem, in summary, is that my wife, her child, and her parents, cannot deal with any level of change. Being asked to change anything about their lives or routine makes them crumble and fall over. So because I have better life skills, I'm expected to deal with more, and I think it's just unfair. I do not want to raise my child where we currently live - and I may not have any say over my stepdaughter, but I do over my actual child.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No, the point is not moot. Raising a child with your current marital dynamic is going to be like setting sail with your anchor down.

Additionally, you are projecting your disappointment in yourself onto your wife. I'm not suggesting she shares no blame in this...far from it...but you need to pull your head from your ass and recognize this situation for what it is.


CMinIowa said:


> Akfranklin2014 said:
> 
> 
> > Well, to be fair, my child is going to have the benefit of my parenting, and my stepdaughter has basically given me a blueprint of everything to teach my child not to be. There will of course be rules for my child as well, but my stepdaughter will be 12 years old by the time my child is born...so when my child is old enough to have rules to follow, my stepdaughter will be well into her teen years and the same level of rules won't even apply.
> ...


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What a passive aggressive manner to see this. She didn't suggest you had an ulterior motive. She said just it exactly what you said you were doing...giving up on your stepdaughter, and hoping for a fresh start with your new daughter.

This isn't a malicious implication, rather the methodology of someone who hopes things will get better rather than actually influencing them to get better.

You either take the ship's wheel, or you focus on the navigation while you allow your wife to pilot the ship aground. The choice is yours.


CMinIowa said:


> I resent the implication that I'm having a child of my own with some kind of ulterior motive in mind. Both my wife and I wanted this child and tried hard for 3 years to have it. My stepdaughter is excited about the new child too, so nobody is leaving her out or "giving up on her" as you put it.
> 
> In fact, my wife is tripping over herself making sure that my stepdaughter will get the same level of attention as an infant...since 12-year olds obviously need the same level of attention as an infant.
> 
> ...


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You are being given good advice here.......it is in your best interest to stop fighting it and get on board. It is almost too late.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

if your wife has as much difficulty with change as you say she does, why would you expect to come to a message board full of strangers hoping for a Magic Bullet to get her to do exactly that which she fears?

People here can teach you to be a better man. That in turn may... MAY... influence her to be a better wife.

So...the choice is yours. Figure out how to be a better man now, or continue to allow life to happen to you, which will likely lead to you jumping ship, just like you did on your last relationship...cue the next woman who you allowed to run roughshod over your lack of boundaries...

Lather...rinse...repeat.

Or, make a decision to be a better man. Learn how to live a principled life. Make all decisions based on those principles, and the right people will naturally find their way into your life, while the wrong ones will naturally find their way out of it.

Or keep blaming your wife and hope she changes.

The choice is yours

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

CMinIowa said:


> I resent the implication that I'm having a child of my own with some kind of ulterior motive in mind. Both my wife and I wanted this child and tried hard for 3 years to have it. My stepdaughter is excited about the new child too, so nobody is leaving her out or "giving up on her" as you put it.
> 
> In fact, my wife is tripping over herself making sure that my stepdaughter will get the same level of attention as an infant...since 12-year olds obviously need the same level of attention as an infant.
> 
> ...




You’ve been together since 2014...and have been trying for 3 years for a child? So you got started right away after getting married? I understand the want to have a child. I don’t have any of my own and would very much like to. However, it seems to me the child already here is getting lost. Between you marrying her mother (which I’m guessing no one discussed with her...yes, even at 7 it’s important that she be involved. My son was 7 when I married his father and my daughter was 3. They were both very much involved.) and trying to start having a child immediately, it doesn’t sound like her wants have been addressed. The books aren’t going to help if you believe you’ve done nothing wrong here. Both you and your wife are in the wrong for giving the child her way. You are in the wrong for having this hands-off approach you seem to have now. If you allow her to become a burden on your wife with her behavior guess what? It will be your burden too. Your wife will be very unhappy and with both of them unhappy your life will be miserable. And if you really think you can have that child in the same house as her and her behavior NOT rub off on him, you are sadly mistaken. Also, given that your wife does not discipline her daughter, she most likely will not discipline the new child either when the time comes. This will make you the bad guy when you discipline him or her, making him or her run straight to mommy because mommy doesn’t say no. Do you see where this is going? Downhill slop and it’s a steep angle. Rather than getting advice from us, you should be on Google looking for a good counselor for the three of you. You don’t seem as if you will listen to us, hopefully you will listen to one of them. If you don’t want to go the counseling route, your options are most likely going to be a divorce or to just keep letting things go the way they are now. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## [email protected] (Jul 29, 2018)

I agree! You not wanting to take those bows to your stepdaughter seriously was the first red flag from the start. It’s a package deal from the get go. You are a father , you say ACTUAL child in a recent post... you became a father when you moved in together. I think you are more focused on becoming her friend then her father.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hate this place...….
The fine folks here that are 50,000 feet above the emotional drama can see the trees through the forest.

When a group of complete strangers can come to a collective agreement with out knowing one another or the OP (original poster) and through experience alone give a perspective that is accurate but yet ignored!

The Nile run deep and long! Trust your gut....and stop being played!


----------



## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Things are going to go from bad to worse for you rather quickly once your baby is born. 

Why did you read vows to your step-daughter that you didn't mean? Do you honestly think she is so dumb not to know how you really feel about her?

YOU are the adult here. YOU are the one who made the decision to marry her mother. Her child comes along with the package. Your first clue should have been that you lied during your vows to this child.

Do you really think that asking her to go to the movies (or that type of thing) is enough, especially when you give up when she says no? Why would she say yes? You are clearly just going through the motions, and she knows it. I would say no too.

Put your foot down, grow some cojones, and act like a parent -- instead of someone who is just trying to get along with her because you have to.

You and your wife need to get on the same page regarding discipline and everyone's role in it. Your step-daughter may not like it at first, but she will know that you both care enough about her to be concerned about what she does. 

Sorry, but you need to grow up.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Things are going to go from bad to worse for you rather quickly once your baby is born.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This...so much this...especially the part about going through the motions. OP, have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? If not, here's a short synopsis:
Kirk Cameron plays a guy whose marriage is falling apart. He's given a book by his father called the Love Dare, which requires him to do something everyday to show his wife how much she means to him. However, for the first half of the book he only does the minimum necessary to get by. His wife isn't sure what's going on but she's not receptive because she sees pitiful efforts. Once he realizes this and puts effort in, his wife is more receptive and accepts the things he's doing. 

My point is going through the motions is very obvious to someone, even a child. Unless you show a genuine interest in getting to know her and bonding with her, it will never happen and your marriage could very well go up in flames.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

CMinIowa said:


> Well, to be fair, my child is going to have the benefit of my parenting, and my stepdaughter has basically given me a blueprint of everything to teach my child not to be. There will of course be rules for my child as well, but my stepdaughter will be 12 years old by the time my child is born...so when my child is old enough to have rules to follow, my stepdaughter will be well into her teen years and the same level of rules won't even apply.
> 
> So, that point is moot.


Ahahaha.

Pass your magical parenting wand over here when you are done with it, I would like to also feel assured that all I need to do is a good job parenting and my child will be President one day.


----------



## CMinIowa (Aug 24, 2018)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I sure hope you went to the movie without your stepdaughter and told her how great it was when you got back home....


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> The problem with this method is your child is going to see this and be just like her. If you're going to be married to this woman her child comes with her. They are a package. You not feeling anything for her child is on you. It's up to you to make the effort, not the child. You treating these two children differently is going to lead or favoritism and mayhem like you've never seen. If the foot goes down for one it goes down for both. You should not have agreed to say vows to her child if you didn't mean them. A child can feel when they're not wanted or loved and that could be part of her acting out. Her mother isn't the only one responsible for her upbringing now, you are too.
> 
> I apologize if I come off harsh but it really irks me hearing how you don't care for your stepdaughter. You can't pick and choose. If you want her mother you have to want her too and she needs to see it. You're acting no better than a spoiled child by not showing her any affection.
> 
> ...


I'm going to have to violently agree with this. First understand no parent would chose anyone over their child you lose that battle every time. And I have to double down on the point that your stepdaughter knows you don't like her and that fact is likely making her behavior worse. When your child comes they will be living in a very toxic environment of your creation. 

It is traumatic to uproot an 11 year old and should only be done if absolutely necessary not because you want to be closer to mommy and daddy. 

Based on what I read from you I would say you are a solid 75% of the problem here.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

CMinIowa said:


> I resent the implication that I'm having a child of my own with some kind of ulterior motive in mind. Both my wife and I wanted this child and tried hard for 3 years to have it. My stepdaughter is excited about the new child too, so nobody is leaving her out or "giving up on her" as you put it.
> 
> In fact, my wife is tripping over herself making sure that my stepdaughter will get the same level of attention as an infant...since 12-year olds obviously need the same level of attention as an infant.
> 
> ...


Here's the deal your step daughter is old enough to have a real conversation with you. Have a family sit down, tell your step daughter you are sorry for not trying harder to have a great relationship with her tell her you really really want for things to be better between you, tell her you would like to do more fun stuff with her and so on. If you want this situation to improve you are going to have to fix it not a 12 year old. This conversation would be very good to have with a family therapist. 

Work on doing the simple things religiously, ask her about her day, show her affection as her what she thinks about things that come up. She needs to feel you value and care about here, based on everything you say she for sure in her mind is 100% certain you hate her. If you think it's bad now wait 2 years when you have a full blown teenager on your hands all this will seem like a walk in the park when those hormones are kicked in full strength. 

Again it's up to you.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You should never marry a lady with a young child unless you are prepared to be as committed to her as to you own child. 
It will get worse with the baby because she will see that the new child has far more attention and that will make her feel rejected. 
Do you ever make an effort to do things with the child? Just you and her? Are you any sort of decent father or do you just feel bitter and resentful? She will KNOW that, poor kid. 

When we married my husband was always as fully committed with my children as he was his own. Not easy at the beginning but now they have a great relationship with him. He was their dad basically as they never see their own dad and he knew that if we married, my children would be his as well. 

I feel for this little girl. No dad of her own and the father figure she has cares nothing for her. No wonder she feels unhappy. 

As for moving why cant you stay where you are? Presumably you all have work and friends and the child has her family and school. I think its important for a child with no dad to speak of to be near extended family.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'm going to have to violently agree with this. First understand no parent would chose anyone over their child you lose that battle every time. And I have to double down on the point that your stepdaughter knows you don't like her and that fact is likely making her behavior worse. When your child comes they will be living in a very toxic environment of your creation.
> 
> It is traumatic to uproot an 11 year old and should only be done if absolutely necessary not because you want to be closer to mommy and daddy.
> 
> Based on what I read from you I would say you are a solid 75% of the problem here.


Absolutely agree. The task of the op is to do what is best for his wife and step daughter not his parents. 
The poor child clearly knows that she is just tolerated. That must feel so hurtful. How about you make an effort to win her over. Take her out. Do hobbies with her. Take her bowling or to the movies. Make an EFFORT for once, you are supposed to be the adult here.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Why does your wife, who only works PT, not do more chores/errands? Is this a high risk pregnancy?

It brought me to near tears to read your account of how you are tossing your stepdaughter aside and plan to focus your energies on your own child when s/he is born. You sound flat out boastful.

Surely you understand that your stepdaughter can see perfectly well that you are not her biggest fan? Why would she want to be in your presence? Have you ever stopped to think that she might view you as taking her mother away and taking over their life? Have you thought of getting her some therapy to see if she needs to talk it out with a professional who is unbiased? There are so many things you can do for this child but sadly, your focus is elsewhere. 

Know this. There is going to be such a palpable divide in your household once your child is born, you haven't seen anything yet. To think otherwise is simply naivete.

Lastly, your wife needs to hold up her end of the bargain regarding moving. She is breaking her promise to you.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This isn't an equal marriage, by any means. You may never be worth much to your step daughter. It isn't your fault unless you completely give up and stay in the marriage, nor is it the child's or mother's. It just is. She never saw her father, and since she is older, she may never feel like her step dad is doing anything right. She probably won't listen to you at all. It will be a constant battle. She may attempt to sabotage everything along the way, so she, her mother and possibly the step sibling will be alone again. 

He can make some headway with treating your step daughter like a little person who needs to be raised by you and your wife, but you may never feel as you will for your own. You will not have much say in your step daughter's upbringing. 

Why is it the step father's responsibility to see to it his wife's daughter gets to a counselor? Her mother should be doing that. Everyone wants you to lead a family that isn't yours. You will struggle all your life and the step daughter will likely teach her step sister or brother that fathers are not reliable and prove it by nefarious means and over embellishment of anything that happens.

Yes, it is possible to make it work, but it damn sure will be difficult all your life. You need to really listen and attempt to do as folks here are telling you, or you will have no chance of making it. You must decide what you want. 


The alternative is to get a divorce, pay child support or somehow get permission to be the custodial parent, and have her pay you or charge her nothing. You'd have to make a life for yourself and your bio child and not resent him/her for the greater responsibility you will have.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> Why is it the step father's responsibility to see to it his wife's daughter gets to a counselor? Her mother should be doing that. Everyone wants you to lead a family that isn't yours. You will struggle all your life and the step daughter will likely teach her step sister or brother that fathers are not reliable and prove it by nefarious means and over embellishment of anything that happens.




Lead a family that isn't his??? When he married her he became the man of the house. This is his family and to say otherwise is to not understand the dynamic of a blended family. As the man of the family, he should at least bring it up. If this isn't his family, why is he cooking and packing a lunch for her and taking her to school? The whole family needs to be in counseling, not just his stepdaughter. 

You cannot pick and choose what parts of a "family" you're going to handle when you marry someone with a child already. You have to accept the entire package and take the family as it comes, making adjustments along the way so it runs as smooth as can be. No one said it was going to easy. Yes, being a stepparent is a thankless job. I am one. You have to take the bad with the good. If you do not want to be that then perhaps you should have kept your original thinking and not gotten involved with someone with kids. It is too late for that at this point, but you should evaluate yourself and whether you want to be a stepparent because if not you should end this before it gets worse. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> Lead a family that isn't his??? When he married her he became the man of the house. This is his family and to say otherwise is to not understand the dynamic of a blended family. As the man of the family, he should at least bring it up. If this isn't his family, why is he cooking and packing a lunch for her and taking her to school? The whole family needs to be in counseling, not just his stepdaughter.
> 
> You cannot pick and choose what parts of a "family" you're going to handle when you marry someone with a child already. You have to accept the entire package and take the family as it comes, making adjustments along the way so it runs as smooth as can be. No one said it was going to easy. Yes, being a stepparent is a thankless job. I am one. You have to take the bad with the good. If you do not want to be that then perhaps you should have kept your original thinking and not gotten involved with someone with kids. It is too late for that at this point, but you should evaluate yourself and whether you want to be a stepparent because if not you should end this before it gets worse.
> 
> ...


I meant the existing family he married, biologically, isn't his. If they met when the child was younger, like before preschool aged, it could have worked much more easily. Sure, the contract makes them his family, but only biology and the desire to have and raise children together, makes a family. He's already said they've left him out. He can work to change himself and hopefully, they will come around, but I think it's less likely for them to accept him trying to take charge(bahahaha, in today's world with her family in control and helping her since she has ben on her own?! Must have been a sale on mj.), than others. 

Sure, many step families are out there. Many of them have the same issues. 

Yes, it would be better for him to choose what he really wants and go with that.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> I meant the existing family he married, biologically, isn't his. If they met when the child was younger, like before preschool aged, it could have worked much more easily. Sure, the contract makes them his family, but only biology and the desire to have and raise children together, makes a family. He's already said they've left him out. He can work to change himself and hopefully, they will come around, but I think it's less likely for them to accept him trying to take charge(bahahaha, in today's world with her family in control and helping her since she has ben on her own?! Must have been a sale on mj.), than others.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




They've not only left him out, he's left them out. Seems he wants to move them away from the only family they have and I can understand that. I've moved twice for men in my life only to be disappointed and left in an area where I didn't know anyone. A child should not be uprooted while they're in school. It's the worst thing for a child to try to make new friends at a new school. If he didn't want to be there he should have moved before he found a reason to stay (his wife).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> Lead a family that isn't his??? When he married her he became the man of the house. This is his family and to say otherwise is to not understand the dynamic of a blended family. As the man of the family, he should at least bring it up. If this isn't his family, why is he cooking and packing a lunch for her and taking her to school? The whole family needs to be in counseling, not just his stepdaughter.
> 
> You cannot pick and choose what parts of a "family" you're going to handle when you marry someone with a child already. You have to accept the entire package and take the family as it comes, making adjustments along the way so it runs as smooth as can be. No one said it was going to easy. Yes, being a stepparent is a thankless job. I am one. You have to take the bad with the good. If you do not want to be that then perhaps you should have kept your original thinking and not gotten involved with someone with kids. It is too late for that at this point, but you should evaluate yourself and whether you want to be a stepparent because if not you should end this before it gets worse.
> 
> ...


I swear I replied to this. Don't know what happened to it. Let's see if I can remember what I posted. 

Legally, they are his family. I meant, biologically, they are not, nor ever will be his family(step daughter, wife and him). You see, his wife's parents probably have been a big part of raising her daughter, his step daughter. He will have a very difficult time being her father. 

In regards to his taking charge, I think that's pretty much an impossibility in this situation. I think it is an impossibility... today, in the west. He would be foolish to attempt that. He would have a better chance changing himself without trying to take charge of anyone or anything, except himself. 

His step daughter may well sabotage their marriage. 

His step daughter may well sabotage his relationship with his new son or daughter, as well. Why would it not be possible? I say, it's likely. She has grown up without a father figure who lives directly with the family. At best, her grand father might be closest to her father figure. He doesn't live with them. 

Never think you will tell your wife, a woman who already is raising, and has raised a child on her own(with the help of her parents), what to do or take charge in any way. Why should she listen to even the point of view of her husband, the step father? Just getting that far, having a discussion on methods of handling a family and raising a child will be difficult. The best possible outcome would be simply having a say in what goes on within the family, his "family". 

If he wants to try that, it is his prerogative and his best chance is, like I said, to attempt to follow what many have said here. Good luck trying to take charge of anything, even if you find yourself. Never think you will take charge. It is not a good idea or necessary. It is only necessary to learn to be strong, gentle with your wife and children, and willing to compromise at every turn without losing yourself. 

Now, that's what you might learn, if you do as folks here have suggested. You will not be in charge. You will be able to take action when needed, or speak your mind when the situation necessitates. That, is what you need to make your goal. 

Anything else is just your wife and child wanting to work with you. There are no guarantees. This can take a long time, or might not work at all. It will either break you or make you. 

The other option is divorce. Maybe then you try to get your bio daughter and raise her yourself, but that wouldn't be easy. 

It's your choice.

If the step daughter was younger, like before preschool age, she would more readily look up to you for advice as a father. The trouble is, you weren't even a small part of her upbringing. 

As far as the whole family needing counseling, that may or may not be true. I have no clue what it is really like there. I only see one side... his. I'd imagine she was well adjusted and okay, or she would not have caught and held his interest. That likely wasn't all her doing, yet she was the responsible parent. So, it was mainly her doing whatever she needed to raise a child on her own. She doesn't need him to help her do that.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

,


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Akfranklin2014 said:


> They've not only left him out, he's left them out. Seems he wants to move them away from the only family they have and I can understand that. I've moved twice for men in my life only to be disappointed and left in an area where I didn't know anyone. A child should not be uprooted while they're in school. It's the worst thing for a child to try to make new friends at a new school. If he didn't want to be there he should have moved before he found a reason to stay (his wife).
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't disagree with this. It does seem he wants to move them away. I imagine it's because he, and op, you will have to answer this yourself because I'm guessing, wants to be the father and that is not going to happen. He will rip them away from the only family thye have known. His wife even said his step daughter would get over it and be fine. I don't think it's a good idea to move away, just yet. Maybe, in a few years, after she is out of school. 

I don't think I even commented on that part of his situation. Maybe you thought I was for ripping the family apart? I'm not. I'm actually for him learning to be his own man, and then he will be ready to work with them, or be strong enough to decide it isn't for him and move on gracefully, I would hope.


----------



## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> I don't disagree with this. It does seem he wants to move them away. I imagine it's because he, and op, you will have to answer this yourself because I'm guessing, wants to be the father and that is not going to happen. He will rip them away from the only family thye have known. His wife even said his step daughter would get over it and be fine. I don't think it's a good idea to move away, just yet. Maybe, in a few years, after she is out of school.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think I even commented on that part of his situation. Maybe you thought I was for ripping the family apart? I'm not. I'm actually for him learning to be his own man, and then he will be ready to work with them, or be strong enough to decide it isn't for him and move on gracefully, I would hope.




Oh no, I didn't think so. Sometimes my posts are a bit spacey because when I think of something I just write it lol


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

Reading what you wrote was awful. I don't have kids but I did have a stepfather. Luckily, he wasn't like you! Jeez. Similarly to your stepdaughter, my own father couldn't give a crap about me. Your stepdaughter realizes this and it bothers her, although she will likely never admit it.

Then YOU come along and ALSO don't give a crap about her! Rejected by not ONE, but TWO father figures. That poor girl. She is not stupid. She knows you don't love her. You are messing up this poor girl's psyche in a big way. Not that you seem to care about that, seeing as you seem to be very focused on you, you, you. In fact, you sound almost jealous of the attention her family shows her, which is messed up. You're jealous of a 12 year old girl? Seriously?! That poor child. Hello, future self-esteem issues and dating men that treat her like crap. I think you should definitely advocate for her to try IC, because she likely needs it after this mess.

My first advice is you never should have married this girl's mother if you were not prepared to be a man, step up, and parent this girl like she was your own. In fact, you are doing further harm to this poor child by acting as a 'placeholder' 'dad' (ha, you really shouldn't call yourself a stepdad, you haven't earned it) who doesn't care about her - perhaps if you'd walked away when you realized you couldn't handle being a dad to someone who didn't have 50% of your DNA, then her mom could have married a man who would actually love and care about her like a stepfather should. So she can be difficult - are you going to just give up on your child when they are difficult? Or have you decided they will be a perfect angel and never have difficult issues?

I don't even know what to tell you. Hopefully you were just frustrated when you wrote this and didn't mean all of it. Anyway, if you hope for anything to work out at all, you need to get on your stepdaughter's level. Yes, you asked her to go with you to the movies and she said no. Did you suggest anything else? Did you ask her what she would like to do? It sounds like you got rejected by her and took offense. Seriously? She's 12! She's going to reject you. She doesn't trust you. She shouldn't trust you. You kind've sound like an awful, self-absorbed person. I wouldn't want to hang out with you either. But since you're an adult, hopefully you can work through your issues and find a way to spend meaningful time with your stepdaughter.

And trying to parent your child differently from her while in the same household is just a recipe for disaster. I can't even believe an adult man would think that is somehow going to work out. What a mess. I feel so sorry for both your kids, including the unborn baby. If you don't get your crap together, they are both going to have messed up lives. And it will be mostly your fault, not theirs. Act like an adult before it's too late.


----------



## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

And just to give you some perspective, my stepfather married my mother when I was 12. I was honestly a nightmare and had a lot of issues due to my past that had nothing to do with him. I did resent him - not just for taking my mother away, more for just intruding on our space. I don't know if I ever fully got used to him being around. But he was a great man - he wasn't a big talker, so he would write me letters to tell me about himself and how proud he was of me. Positive reinforcement goes a longgggg way. Try to find something, anything that you think is good about your stepdaughter and tell her about it. He wasn't big on electronics, so I thought of the letters as his way of texting. For I don't know how many years (several) it never occurred to me to write him back. But nevertheless, he kept up the one sided conversation until I realized he would probably really appreciate a response. He would bring me small gifts - nothing big or expensive, literally like my favorite drink or snack and leave it for me. Just to show me that he was thinking about me and cared. He would talk to me about my future and try to give me advice, not that I ever listened (although I didn't listen to my mother, either, to be fair). 

Basically, he acted like an adult even though I acted like a child a lot of the time (and I was a child!). And I am forever grateful and I'm sure a better person for it. And he didn't have it easy either - my mother was always very aggressively the final decision maker on any and all things to do with me because she'd raised me on her own up until then. I'm sure it made it difficult for him. Didn't keep him from trying.

Being around him and his family always felt uncomfortable because it made me nervous and I always felt like they were judging me (I was shy and had issues anyway). And yes I'm talking over the span of years I still felt uncomfortable around his family and him at times. Likely your daughter feels very comfortable around her family and uncomfortable around yours. She tries to avoid feeling uncomfortable and awkward. It's human nature. But the more she avoids you and your family, the more uncomfortable she will feel around you. Let her know it's important to you for her to get to know you and your family because she is important to you (I mean, if you can say that without lying, I guess).

I wish the best for your family. I hope you take time for some serious introspection about what it is to be a father. And hopefully you realize you can't pick and choose who you want to be a father to. You signed up for this. She didn't. Good luck.


----------



## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

My heart is breaking for your stepdaughter. I understand the situation is frustrating for you, and probably your wife also, but you are adults and your stepdaughter is a child without the option to leave. She was already rejected by her bio-dad and is now rejected by you. And...she is your "actual child". Biology does not make a family. Plenty of adoptive parents would be at your throat for daring to suggest that a child you did not give create is worth less than a child you did create and that only one can be your "actual child". Your daughter had none of the control and all of the consequence of your decision to marry her mother. 

Kids know when someone doesn't like them, even if you make vague offers to go to the movies. My guess is that she was never thrilled with you and you got more serious with her mom, she got very unhappy. 

12-year-olds are moody. And most kids are not going to be tripping over themselves to thank their parents/stepparents for a house or other things. Most are ungrateful and selfish because that is the developmental stage they are in. There is a reason there are so many jokes about how awful teens are. Their brains are growing and changing and nearly every parent will tell you the teen and preteen years are HARD. 

If you just can't bring yourself to care about this girl at all, you need to be honest and tell her mom that you are done and don't love or care for her daughter. Then let mom decide if she really wants to keep her daughter in a house with a man who clearly does not care about her. The girl is being set up for a lifetime of issues. 
If you want to make this work and are willing to put in the effort, I strongly recommend counseling. Ideally for you individually and also as a couple. If you can, maybe even a few sessions with your stepdaughter.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jimeni said:


> Reading what you wrote was awful. I don't have kids but I did have a stepfather. Luckily, he wasn't like you! Jeez. Similarly to your stepdaughter, my own father couldn't give a crap about me. Your stepdaughter realizes this and it bothers her, although she will likely never admit it.
> 
> Then YOU come along and ALSO don't give a crap about her! Rejected by not ONE, but TWO father figures. That poor girl. She is not stupid. She knows you don't love her. You are messing up this poor girl's psyche in a big way. Not that you seem to care about that, seeing as you seem to be very focused on you, you, you. In fact, you sound almost jealous of the attention her family shows her, which is messed up. You're jealous of a 12 year old girl? Seriously?! That poor child. Hello, future self-esteem issues and dating men that treat her like crap. I think you should definitely advocate for her to try IC, because she likely needs it after this mess.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Taxman said:


> Unfortunately, somebody in that house has to be an adult. My suggestion, let the kid be disobedient, or do something to get into trouble, then LOWER THE BOOM. Give the kid consequences up the wazoo. Tell your wife that time has come for discipline, and if the kid don't like it, she can go live with her grandparents. I had a "salad" family. I do not say blended, as that connotes an even mix. I have yet to see anything even. In this case, Mom was new to this universe and Dad had two girls who were given the keys to the kingdom after Mom fell off the edge of the world. The girls were out of control. Everything that Mom warned against, the girls just went ahead and did. She kept saying one or both were going to turn up pregnant. Well, eldest girl, smart, got the world on a string, has college coming up. Has her pick of schools and full ride scholarships. Then, as my client predicted, summer before college, and she turns up pregnant. Dad finally becomes a dad. She is made to refuse all of her scholarships. She is made to go out and get a job. She is given the opportunity to either carry to term and give the child up, or terminate the pregnancy. She opts to terminate. Thinks that Dad will just let her take her scholarships and blow town. NOPE. New Mom and Dad have already told each school that his daughter is taking a year to "check out every possibility". He makes her keep the job, and stay virtually grounded for a year and apply to colleges the next year. Girl smartened up PDQ. The little sister got an eye and earful. New mom was ready willing and able to tell the girls what was what. The eldest was dealt a lesson, and youngest learned by watching big sister screw up.


So just to make sure I understand this story, a young woman gets pregnant and her father forces her to have an abortion and to forfeit all college scholarships which she had already been awarded. And this is good parenting?

Um, ok.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I did question the wisdom of doing what they did, but, I was told that allowing her to pick up her life, as if nothing had occurred, sent their daughter the wrong message. They presented their daughter with a united front and drew a severe line in the sand. Golden child notwithstanding, they could not have her waltzing off to adulthood without having paid the price, and understanding that she had a responsibility to herself and her future. Good parenting? Maybe, or maybe not. All I know is that she did pick up the scholarship a year later, she kept her nose clean and had done well. I cannot help but think that her parents needed to lay down the law, and did so.


----------

