# Not sure what to do about destructive, angry and explosive wife



## scarby

When i married my wife 2 years ago after dating and living together for around 2 years. I believed she was almost perfect, like everything just fell into place when we were together, in 2 years of living together we never had more than a minor snapping at each other. However shortly after the marriage this began to change, while my wife has always had a somewhat explosive temper and she would always snap at me, or others then usually calm down quickly and apologise. However gradually over the past 2 years this ability to calm down has disappeared and her temper seems to continue to escalate to the point where every little thing is her shouting at me and often not calming down for minutes. Usually if i don't answer the question in the exact semantic way she will understand she will yell at me as if i've intentionally failed to give her any kind of answer. This has become too much of a pattern for a while now. This however is not the entire problem, in each of these cases i have to calm her down and apologise (even if i did nothing wrong). in most cases if i fail to do this and in some cases stick to my guns the situation generally escalates pretty quickly.

To take last nights situation for an example (there is a pattern of similar incidents) after a hard day at work (my wife does not work) i came home and was somewhat withdrawn for the evening, partially due to extreme stress and i just wanted to play some games to de-stress. Instead of my wife coming to me and asking if anything was wrong as she would expect me to do to her she stormed into the room and asked "why are you being such an arsehole to me?"

"i'm not" i replied "i've been a little withdrawn because i'm rather stressed and needed some time to myself, we've both spoken today, i'm not ignoring you, we've spoken today and i even volunteered to cook you dinner" (she had already eaten and declined). 

This apparently was not an acceptable answer and resulted in her yelling at me about how i was ignoring her and various other things. I then got up and said "i'll be in the other room and will be happy to talk about this once you've stopped shouting at me and are prepared to talk" at which point i left the room. 

A few seconds later i heard a loud crashing noise and returned to the room, it turned out she had thrown a large plastic box full of clothes at my computer (a bit deal as she has already broken one LCD monitor and the screen on my laptop through similar things and i work in IT and these things are not easy to replace given the financial situation). I removed the box and checked for damage, upon seeing there was none i put the box in the other room and came back in to confront her. at which point she had my combat boots in her hands and threw one at the computer screen (missing by about a foot). I rushed over and grabbed hold of her and pulled her down onto the bed (office/sparebedroom). 

It is worth noting at this point that my wife is not a weak woman, and is actually stronger than me. While i managed to hold her for a minute or two and told her to calm down she eventually threw me into the narrow gap between the wall and the bed. i hurt myself quite badly by hitting my head on the bedside table and hurt my head + neck so at this point i was in pain and did not get up. I hoped this was the end of this, not so sat on the end of the bed and proceeded to kick me in the genitals repeatedly. and as i started to get up began to hit me in the head. 

At this point i could no longer keep my calm while being attacked in the process of trying to stand up and lashed out at her (not my finest hour however i'm still not sure how else i could react). This connected with her head and knocked her back onto the bed. At this point as i finally got to my feet completely she grabbed my hair and pulled hard so i could not get away. It took me some time of having my hair pulled to get free and remove myself to the other side of the room at this point it became clear that my blow had done more damage than i expected as she was crying hard on the bed. As i was unsure what would happen if i went close to her (as much as all i wanted to do was go over there and hold and comfort her) i simply grabbed my laptop, got out of he house and went to my mothers. I have only messaged her since to say that i did not mean to hurt her and am sorry if i caused her any pain. (i have had no reply - i know she is ok as she is actively posting things on facebook). I am not entirely sure what to do. I'm not sure i can go back to the house or if i want to. I don't think i can continue to live in fear of setting off my wife's temper and if i don't acquiesce the fear of her breaking my expensive and specialist computer equipment.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to begin a dialogue?

Should i even be considering going back or if i do under what condition? I'm in love with her but the last time something like this happened i promised myself i would not put myself in the situation again and went back on condition that she did not continue to attack and break my things! This has clearly been blown out of the water.

I simply have no idea what to do... any suggestions would be appreciated.


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## 67flh

first off you guys relationship is crazy,and in my humble opinion it should end..i can understand you tring to protect yourself,but damn dude you dont punch her in the head,just as she should not of tried to use your testies as a punching bag....oh and quit using texts to apoligies(sp) to her,any and all texts can and will be used against you in court.


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## scarby

67flh said:


> first off you guys relationship is crazy,and in my humble opinion it should end..i can understand you tring to protect yourself,but damn dude you dont punch her in the head,just as she should not of tried to use your testies as a punching bag....oh and quit using texts to apoligies(sp) to her,any and all texts can and will be used against you in court.


I agree that i shouldn't have hit her. It was not a good thing to do. And its not an excuse but i simply lashed out in a random direction, i'm pretty certain i didn't even have my eyes open. Also the conclusion that the relationship should simply end is one i'm not sure i can come to


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## janesmith

wow. dude. Im going to tell you like I would tell any chick. You are being abused and the only way to "tolerate" this situation is to end it. I hope you guys dont have children because they are going to think this is how you deal with anger and conflict. I understand you arent willing to end it. Okay. But you can not go on like this another day. She needs a wakeup call and if that means you move out for your own safety, then thats what it means. Maybe you need some distance to get some perspective, because what you are going through is not okay on any level. The next time you defend yourself, you may get arrested for domestic violence,have a restraining order put on you, and can no longer come and go freely in the home YOU pay for.


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## ExiledBayStater

For your safety and hers, get out. The punch you threw today may not be your fault, but it's your responsibility to leave so you don't find yourself in the position of having to hit her again. She's threatened your livelihood. You really don't want her in the position to get you in legal trouble. It's tough being a man.


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## MrHappy

Eject! Eject!


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## tom67

Get a friend to help you move out. What if she comes after you with a knife!


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## All of a sudden

She sounds pyscho, stay away from her( i read you said thats not an option) how can you change such extreme violence from her. She will probably be that way with anyone shes with. If you want to live a life of physical violence( which i went through) then start therapy tommorow. How sad you must feel to live this way.


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## terrence4159

i say never go back unless to get your stuff with a cop present and file for divorce and never look back.


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## *LittleDeer*

She is extremely abusive. I know you think. You love her but like most people in abusive relationships you are in love with the her she misrepresented herself to be.

It can be so hard to leave, when you have had so many hopes and dreams for the future. But you are worth more then this. 

Please leave.

Be careful as she may become extremely violent when you do, so please get someone to help you and bare witness in case she tries anything. 

In future if you are in a relationship where your GF or spouse behaves poorly yelling and or smashing things, refuse to engage with them and do not apologise for things that are not your fault.

I think you should have some counseling and learn of healthy ways to resolve dispute, so you don't end up in the same place with someone else abusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown

Scarby, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with the other respondents that it is not safe for you to return to such a toxic relationship. You are describing several of the symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, physical abuse, temper tantrums, rapid flips between loving you and hating you, always being "The Victim," blame-shifting, and inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD. 

Moreover, the physical abuse you describe is known to be strongly associated with BPD. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that half of the spouse batterers (i.e., those hitting their spouses) had full-blown BPD. Roger Melton summarizes the results of that study at http://www.sott.net/article/149774-Romeo-s-Bleeding-When-Mr-Right-Turns-Out-To-Be-Mr-Wrong.

Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your W's issues. You have insufficient training to determine whether her BPD traits are so strong as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take time to learn what warning signs to look for.  There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, and temper tantrums. I therefore suggest you read the following list of 18 behaviors to see if most sound very familiar:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you,;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
Scarby, if most of those traits have been very strong, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. Importantly, I don't know whether your W has most BPD traits at a strong level. I've never even met her. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any and all strong BPD traits (i.e., red flags) that are present. 

An easy place to start reading is my description of these traits in my post in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to good online resources. Moreover, there are many other TAM members here who have much experience with typical BPDer behavior. Take care, Scarby.


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## soulpotato

I agree with Uptown that it sounds like it might be BPD. Many people with BPD are not monsters, however, even though they can leave pain and destruction in their wake. She needs therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notperfectanymore

Uptown knows of what he speaks. Please protect yourself....she needs help you cannot provide for her.


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## JillsJourney

Have the two of you tried marriage counseling? It sounds like you have an unhealthy marriage. If you both love each other, you should both being willing to work together to make necessary improvements. Destroying stuff is not cool. It is a sign of a lack of good communication and a lack of respect. People typically destroy things when upset because they feel misunderstood and want others to "see" what they feel like. Encourage her to seek help to handle her feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I can't help but wonder if during your arguments/fights, a common complaint by her is that you don't understand or care about her feelings?


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## Cosmos

> It is worth noting at this point that my wife is not a weak woman, and is actually stronger than me. While i managed to hold her for a minute or two and told her to calm down she eventually threw me into the narrow gap between the wall and the bed. i hurt myself quite badly by hitting my head on the bedside table and hurt my head + neck so at this point i was in pain and did not get up. I hoped this was the end of this, not so sat on the end of the bed and proceeded to kick me in the genitals repeatedly. and as i started to get up began to hit me in the head.


Your wife is a dangerously abusive woman, both emotionally and physically. Next time she decides to get physical with you, she might kill you - or vice versa. Your W needs help, and I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you cannot live under the same roof as her until gets it.

Believe me, OP, if you return to her at this stage things will only get worse. 

Your W needs urgent professional help.


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## swetecynamome

Cosmos said:


> Next time she decides to get physical with you, she might kill you - or vice versa...
> 
> Believe me, OP, if you return to her at this stage things will only get worse.
> 
> Your W needs urgent professional help.


I couldn't have said it better.


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## diwali123

BPDs are really good at keeping their true selves hidden until the wedding. Then the abuse starts. I'm really sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. This is a dangerous situation to say the least. You are being abused and at risk for being accused of abusing her. I would get out ASAP. You might want to get a VAR too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato

diwali123 said:


> BPDs are really good at keeping their true selves hidden until the wedding. Then the abuse starts. I'm really sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. This is a dangerous situation to say the least. You are being abused and at risk for being accused of abusing her. I would get out ASAP. You might want to get a VAR too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People with BPD don't know their true selves or have a solid concept of self to begin with. But that's not something that is planned out or used to deliberately hurt others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64

Sorry, but this is easy. Only 4 years invested? No kids? And she turns psycho as soon as the ring is on her finger? TAKE THE RING OFF HER FINGER permanently. Divorce. Things have gone so downhill on you guys so fast, that it sounds like it is unrecoverable. Once the hitting starts, things rarely get better.

I had a similar situation, but I was more firmly "stuck" due to a child. I walked. And never looked back. Her problems were not mine to solve, especially when she was unwilling. She fooled me for 1.5 years, and after that, it was a long, continuous down hill. I bailed before she hit bottom taking me with her. You may want to seriously consider the same.


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## josepe

yo holmes ,,, a woman comes at me like that she better get ready for a throw down. she wants to treat me like a man then she can damned well get treated like man. 
i know there are going to be folks who say it's wrong to hit a woman, they are the ones found throat slit and knife sticking out of chest.
RUN,,,,,,LIKE ,,,,,,,, HELL.
i posted in mens club about how something is not related to this at any rate. after having guns pulled on me my perception is way different than those who have never been there, and this is one thing i changed. 
if she wants to get violent ,,, ok fine with me, but i don't want to hear her complain when i whack her upside the head with a closed fist. you know the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. kind a falls right on in there don't it.
your chic is bi polar and needs meds, thats an opinion.
RUN,,,,,LIKE ,,,,,HELL!!!!


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## techmom

To the OP, GET OUT NOW!!! The abuse is just going to get worse, BPD is no joke to deal with. She kicked you repeatedly in your genitals? That is extreme.

Domestic violence laws NEED to cover men being abused, and the women need to be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I have a son and I would hate for him to go through what you are going through. Please, take care of yourself, don't listen to her "I'm sorry's", abusers are never sorry. They will always abuse.

I'm a feminist, but I do sign petitions to toughen laws against female abusers. Men need protection too.


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## techmom

diwali123 said:


> You might want to get a VAR too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a good idea, please do this to protect yourself.


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## Racer2787

I would like to start by saying I understand the comments and responses given the OP. I did not read all of them. However there is always two sides to every story. I being the destructive angry and explosive wife, would like to give my side. I also would like to apologize for how long this is. (this turned out a lot longer then I thought, just trying to explain my self and also get hep and feed back. I hate not having both sides to a story. That's why I posted here and didn't make my own thread.)

First off we got married 8 months after dating being 11 months after we met. It was 1/3 because we loved each other, 1/3 because my visa was running up, and 1/3 a lie. I was told we had several options by the OP and I was opting for every other option OTHER then getting married. I thought it was too soon and we still barely knew each other, I loved him and wanted to be with him, but marriage was too soon. After 3 months of asking and even at times demanding more information about these other options, the only choice we had to stay together was to get married. Not because the other options were not available, but because finding out 2-3 months after the fact that the other options were a lie and marriage WAS the only choice. He never told me this before hand and I felt coherced and forced into marriage. He told me that he lied because he couldn't stand the thought of losing me and so I wouldn't feel forced. Telling someone you can choose 1,2,3,4,5, or 6 then at the last minute saying you can only have 6 is wrong. 

Also one week after getting married and getting back home I found some highly questionable things on a joint computer account that scared me and would have been deal breakers and he knew it. He told me after I confronted him that he didn't tell me out of fear of losing me. Over all I felt bamboozled, horrified and taken advantage of. 

When ever we have a problem he becomes withdrawn and silent. This frustrates me because most problems can be avoided by kindness and conversation. I will admit that after being told he doesn't care repetitively, being ignored, and him being overly unemotional in most situations, I do tend to get upset. If I push any conversation weather it is nice or mean, he will get upset and sometimes have temper tantrums. It is usually after a long period of time dealing with this before I get indignant and become hostel, mostly after he has and or threatend me. He is almost always on some kind of device no matter what. I ask him to pay attention to me sometimes because I don't get that much. Even when we are sat together watching TV he is on his phone playing games or reading something. I have now resorted to playing my own games durring this and giving up on actual stimulating conversation. 

To the problem: He is always withdrawn emotionally and always has been. That night he came home and went straight to his room to play games, I was trying to talk to him about something important to me but he was mostly unresponsive. I sat down on the bed trying to continue to talk, asking for him to stop his game for a moment and respond. After a bit of him not really responding to anything and telling me he didn't care, I did say why are you being an *******. He did say I'm not and continued to play his game. I did get frustrated and and became more talkative. He didn't like this and stormed out of the room. I did push the box down, Childish of me I know, and he came in screaming about me trying to hurt his computer, which he has said before that he cares about it more and that I should be more like it. I told him I wasn't aiming for the computer and for him to talk to me. He yelled and stormed out again. I did throw his shoe at the wall and it fell on the computer desk. He rushed in, pushed me and held me down on the bed. I was trying to get him off of me while he was hitting me in the back and in the head. I hit him back and grabbed his hair to manipulate him off of me and off the bed. He went between the wall and bed. While trying to get away I pushed off the wall with my foot to get further on the bed when my foot slipped and onto his genitals. I brought my foot up and started to say I didn't mean to when he sat up and punched me straight in the temple and eye. I immediately pulled back writhing in pain screaming and crying. I started to freak out because of the pain. He started to get up using the bed, I thought he might be coming for me so I lashed out. He tryed to hold me down again and I again pulled his hair. At this point I started to heave and cough and he got up and . He stood back staring at me. While crying and heaving I started to throw up and leaned over the edge of the bed. He placed his hand on me but my eyes were closed and I was scared so I swatted it away. He then grabbed a dirty bowl off the desk and offered it to help with the throwing up, I also batted that out of his hand. He said fine and stormed off. I got up to throw up in the toilet and while doing so he got the tower to his computer and walked out the door. I wiped my mouth and latched the door behind him. I did not want him back in the house. He tryed getting in and I asked him to leave while still crying and trying to not hyperventilate. He asked to come in and I asked why. He said to try and work this out. I said I don't think that is a good idea and he left. When he leaves no matter who started it, I usually call him to talk and get him to come back. I did not this time, put on my favorite movie, and tryed to go to sleep. About 1 in the morning he called saying he loved me and he was so sorry he hurt me and that maybe tomorrow we could get a drink and talk about it. I barely responded but said fine call me tomorrow. Then next day While at work I messaged him about something that came in the post and he pretty much responded with he is not coming but to get his things. I then preceded to pack some clothes and the rest of his computer things, put them in a air tight tub with a lid and set them on the porch awaiting his arrival. He came after work and wanted in, I reluctantly let him in. We had a conversation, went out for a drink, he was supposed to drop me off but instead came in, cuddled with me and we went to bed together. I didn't want him there but didn't want another argument. 

Just to say, He does not have specialist computer equipment, just a standard computer. I did break a monitor once, after a long argument similar to this one were I was told repetitively that I was useless and no good and he had physically hurt me. I threw something and it hit the monitor. No I shouldn't throw things, I know. 

There was also another time were we were arguing, He made it clear the computers were more important, and to prove a point I held his phone, was not hurting it, but held it. When I wouldn't give it to him he beat on me, I then held his laptop and he flipped out nad beat on me again, 

Another thing to note is that I don't work mainly because I have a back disability. When ever things get hostel, no matter who started it, weather I touch him first or yell at him, when he hits me he goes straight for my back every time. Then he goes for my head. 

One time he slugged me so hard in the head and I had yet to touch him, I fell to the floor and passed out. He had to care for me all day because I had a sever concussion. I couldn't think or talk straight. 

When we do get violent is is 7/10 me talking, us arguing, us yelling, him getting emotional violent and hostel. And usually ends with him hitting me so hard I fall and give. 

I am not saying I am a saint. I do have a bit of a temper. I do burst occasionally. I apologize quickly after if it wasn't warranted. But most of our problems stem from me just trying to have a conversation with him, he gets agitated and shuts off, I try to continue the conversation sometimes getting frustrated, and then he becomes hostel regardless. 

When things are my fault I have to beg and scrape. When things are his fault he ignores me, "sticks to his guns" and when I try to communicate with him he gets more indignant. No matter how I try to approach a situation, no time is a good time to talk with him. So yes, sometimes I get angry. We all get angry. I am not saying I never hit first, just rarely. I have hurt him, But if we want to talk abuse, He has knocked one of my teeth out, punched me to the floor several times, knocked me out, Has told me in every way possible that I am just a burden worthless and I do nothing for him, and has deliberately targeted exactly where me back is fudged up. I have said horrible things to him and have pulled his hair alot. But I have not hit him half as much and not even a quarter as hard. 

You guys can can me what you will, or you can switch sides and bash him, either way, what ever you do, I just wanted to get my side of it on here as well. Not that it really matters, this is the internet. 

And I really do appreciate finding this because I too have now read the signs of BPD post by UPTOWN and this enlightens me. 

1, Yes he does go from one extreme to another. Like one minute we are cuddling in bed to the next he is jumping out of bed because I said the wrong thing.
2, I do say You always alot. And he says You never alot.
3, Neither one of us keep the other away from friends. 
4, He does work and support us, but when it come to sacrifices I left my whole family friends and life behind because I did thing he was special, pertaining to 13 below. He goes on about his sacrifice. But I am the one with actual sacrifices. All he gave up was a little money over all. I gave up my entire life, stupid I know. 
5, we both do that at times
6, We both do this but we both think our issues are not so minor. He bottles everything up until he cant take it and I try to talk everything out. 
7, I do have a low self esteem. I can't find a job, I'm in a country that's holding me back, I haven't seen may family and friends and child in 3 years, and I am constantly told by him that I am worthless in one way or another. 
8, Yes this is what usually happens. I talk, he gets upset, i try to stay calm but eventually get upset, it snow balls into stupid arguing. 
9, I don;t like abrupt change in plans, who does?
10, Weather it is his fault or not, I am usually the sole one to blame for everything. I have to stand there apologizing over and over getting no where and he refuses to have any involvement in what had happened, say it was all my fault and he did this or that because of me. 
11, Yeah, that's him.
12, No, neither one of us did that.
13, He loved going out, drinking, clubbing, seeing friends. We met at a club. Yet when I moved with him back to his country, that all changed and all we do is sit in the house. We used to like alot of the same things, but now he pays no attention to my interests. 
14, Wow, that's really him. Every other day it seems he wants to move somewhere different and work some other job. .
15, I only want him to sooth me if he hurt me. 
16, He has maybe 5 'friends' that he only occasional goes to the pub with. I have Many many friends that I consider close. He had admitted that he only keeps some people around because he may need to use them later. 
17, HAHAHA, When we are in an argument, I bring up times and dates, word for word accounts of conversations etc. But most of what he says just comes out and when I ask him to back it up he says, I don't know, It just is, etc. There have been times I have has to bring up old messages between us or ask people to clarify a situation before he will beleave me. 

I have been asking for counseling for awhile but he says only if it is free. I will defiantly keep this BPD in mind and read up on it. 

So yes, long winded I know, but there is the other half of the story. I am not an angel. I have many faults. And I want us to get better and stronger. Since this OP, things have actually been amazing. until tonight when I was a bit agitated trying to go to sleep and he started pestering me a bit. I tried to ask him to quit but he wouldn't, later admitting that he wanted attention. I woke and asked why he is doing this and tried to have a conversation about it, he increasingly got annoyed and unresponsive and then left the room. Being half awake and upset I continued and got upset my self. Then he suddenly got up and left the house. We were in separate rooms talking to each other and he would not respond at all, I asked him to come to bed several times and continued to ask why he was pestering me and he just up and left. 0_o He came back finally and when I tried to very calmly talk to him he at times started to get very frustrated having mini tantrums whining and starting to cry for no reason curled up in a blanket. There has been so many times where a simple conversation turns into a stomping crying screaming 3 year old. 

We both have our problems and need help. It's not all me, it's not all him, But I am not the abusive horrible person he makes me out to be and I for one want some help for us. He is also a very loving sweet person, but mainly on his terms. The moment I have a problem with anything or talk too much about something, he has a problem. 

Maybe we should just call it quits. I keep suggesting this but he always comes back loving and sweet until the next time I have something to say, about anything. And the ball starts rolling again.


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## Sanity

Racer2787 said:


> I would like to start by saying I understand the comments and responses given the OP. I did not read all of them. However there is always two sides to every story. I being the destructive angry and explosive wife, would like to give my side.



First of all thanks for taking the time to give us the other side of the story. Rarely do we get to hear both sides but unfortunately your post did little to change my recommendation to leave you. Your post seems to be all about blaming and full of victimization. Seems like one of your many triggers is disagreement or being ignored. None of us enjoy being ignored or disagreement, but how we handle it is very telling. Your husband perhaps does not engage with you because he knows you have a bad temper. Maybe he is just tired of your **** to be blunt. Men shut down when enough poop has been shoveled down our throat, especially petty poop.

In order to have meaningful, open and honest dialogue, there needs to be a minimum of respect and trust in each other. He looks like he doesn't trust you to NOT throw a temper tantrum when you hear something you don't like. He is also in IT(I am as well) which tends to attract folks that expect specificity over "dancing around the topic". Its not to say we don't like "small talk", but it should not be overly petty or insignificant. 

Ultimately, I firmly believe from reading both your posts again that both of you should really consider separating and even divorcing especially since no children are involved. One person here recommended MC but MC won't address this violence and possible mental stability issues. Again, judging from what you and the OP wrote, BOTH of you are in a toxic relationship and fundamentally incompatible. PLEASE DO NOT bring any babies into this warzone.


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## Enginerd

To racer: Divorce is the only option. Neither one of you has the skills to create a health marriage. You admit that you were not fully in love with him and that you had some CC debt. That is all you need to think about. This guy was not your ideal mate and you allowed yourself to be talked into marriage. You are trapped now and hate him. You need leave ASAP and get some therapy.


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## Racer2787

Sanity: Yes one of my triggers is disagreement and being ignored, Because it is so often. But I do not go mental when that happens. I may get frustrated. And the more he is the more I am and vice versa. 

I did take responsibility several times in my post and tried to the best of my ability to tell the whole story. It is however from my view just like his was from his. He acted like an angel in his post, and in mine I said we both had involvement. odd?

I understand that we need trust and communication, and that's what I push for. We don't have open and honest dialogue. When I try he shuts down, ignores me, or lies to get the conversation over - telling me what I want to hear to get me to shut up. Like I said if I try to have a conversation that he does not want to have, things get messy quickly unless I shut up and leave it. Thus there is barely any communication. Yes I get upset sometimes. I am told I am not important and to not speak. 

I feel like I am constantly in a cage unable to speak my opinions. 

Enginerd: I loved him very much and still do, Since, I love him even more, and yes at times I love him less. But what I was trying to say is that I was not ready at the time and still am not. Marriage is a big deal and we rushed, mainly dew to time restraints and a few lies on his part. Everyone, every relationship is not perfect and there are ups and downs. No there should never be violence and that's what I try for.

I don't hate him. I do resent him for the lies. And there is more to the story.

If I posted first, I would be favored in this. I can't change minds that are already made up. I only posted to give my side. But it looks like it doesn't matter at all. I have tried to leave or have him leave several times but he always comes back. There is always more to any story. And I hate on these websites that no matter what the situation the first comment out of every mouth is LEAVE. If that's so then why is anyone here. Don't post questions, just leave. Well sorry folks but I do love this man and I would like to make it work because it is salvageable. But at the same time he has full freedom to walk out the door at any time and I wont stop him. 

We both need some counseling, I have asked and he has said no. He thinks if a problem is ignored, that it will go away. And that just about every problem I have is minor and insignificant. I know I get frustrated easily at times. I am not hiding that.


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## Racer2787

josepe said:


> yo holmes ,,, a woman comes at me like that she better get ready for a throw down. she wants to treat me like a man then she can damned well get treated like man.
> i know there are going to be folks who say it's wrong to hit a woman, they are the ones found throat slit and knife sticking out of chest.
> RUN,,,,,,LIKE ,,,,,,,, HELL.
> i posted in mens club about how something is not related to this at any rate. after having guns pulled on me my perception is way different than those who have never been there, and this is one thing i changed.
> if she wants to get violent ,,, ok fine with me, but i don't want to hear her complain when i whack her upside the head with a closed fist. you know the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. kind a falls right on in there don't it.
> your chic is bi polar and needs meds, thats an opinion.
> RUN,,,,,LIKE ,,,,,HELL!!!!


This is also my opinion. There is too much female violence that is over looked because people don't think most girls can over power most guys. But that is wrong. 
Most of the times that a physical altercation has happened, he has touched pushed or hit me first and then I have at times retaliated. If I in anyway come at him first, If I push him or smack him, he will come at me and start punching me over and over. Durring an argument where at one point he said that the computer was more important then me, I tapped on the computer screen a couple times and he got up and punched me. The OP started and got violent because I threw a shoe, it fell near his computer, so he jumped on me, held me down, and started hitting me. 
Again I agree with your post, but my view is that it doesn't matter if you are a guy or a girl, one hit or smack does not allow the other to beat you. Smack or hit back, restrain the other if you have to. But that does not give him the right to beat on me when a lot of the time I have not even touched him at all. I have hit first and so has he. But when he hits me I hold him down or try to get him away. When I hit him he wales on me until I submit.


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## PBear

You two are toxic to each other, and someone is going to end up seriously hurt. You "love" each other, but you act in a way that a loving couple never should. You both need individual counselling before you worry about your relationship.

Just my humble opinion.

C


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## Sanity

Racer2787 said:


> I understand that we need trust and communication, and that's what I push for. We don't have open and honest dialogue. When I try he shuts down, ignores me, or lies to get the conversation over - telling me what I want to hear to get me to shut up. Like I said if I try to have a conversation that he does not want to have, things get messy quickly unless I shut up and leave it. Thus there is barely any communication. Yes I get upset sometimes. I am told I am not important and to not speak.
> 
> I feel like I am constantly in a cage unable to speak my opinions.


Have you ever taken an emotional intelligence test and see how you do? 

Take this test and honestly answer the questions. You might learn some things about yourself. It's a good place to start. 

What's Your EQ? - Emotional Intelligence Test

At this point I can not stress enough to not get pregnant until this is sorted out or you find a more compatible partner. Its not fair. While I'm not trying to tell you what to do you with your reproductive organs, I have seen too many threads here with toxic relationships involving kids myself included.


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