# D Day



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Hello...I joined this forum last year when I sensed some problems in my marriage and felt that it was getting a little more serious than the usual ups and downs we all experience. I enjoy trying to help others if and when I can by adding my 2cents on others threads. 

Unfortunately I knew that one of these days I would be posting my own story here, its amazing how you can sense something going on, like they all say, trust your gut. 

To get to the point, I found a secret phone she used for a 6 month long affair. I only got to read two days worth of texts, which showed me plenty enough. She even deleted texts on her burner phone lol. 

The strange thing is, I didn't react the way I thought I would, I remained calm, sad and mad of course, but nothing out of control. I credit all of you at T.A.M. as I believe I was mentally ready for this day, which was a week and a half ago. 

She left for that night, stayed at her families house (confirmed) then came crawling back next day. She said she ended it with him, I scared the little prick off anyway and told him he would have no place to hide if he so much as looked at her again. I exposed her to my and her family. He isn't married so no one to expose him with, he probably headed for the hills anyway.

My question is this, in regards to remorse, she is ashamed, sorry, embarrassed, all the trigger words she should say. 

As of right now I don't know what I will decide, I'm on the fence and told her I can go either way depending on how things unfold. I basically said I need to think about if I still want to stay married or not and I will let her know in time and that I will be fine either way. 

See I've been through this once before in my life and think that made this time a little easier to deal with. This was with ex wife though not current, wanted to add that.

I did say I'm not rug sweeping this and she isn't getting off the hook that easy. 

Two things really bother me, one the love word was used, two it was a long term thing, both things piss me off and I don't think I can forgive her, at least without some help. 

So tell me, in your opinion, what is true remorse other than her kissing my ass and asking me to work things out. Married 23 years but I am willing to end it unless I see true remorse, whatever that consists of.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was the OM? How did she treat you during the affair ? Why does she want to come back to you ? It wasn't a one night stand. A burner phone means that it is calculated deception. She went through with it fully knowing what she is doing.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What is she saying? How is she acting? A week and a half is a little early to tell.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will obviously in time, figure out where all this is going to end up

a 23 yr mge, and she shot it up---WHY WHY WHY---that is what you need to know before anything else

Was it for the excitement, was she looking for something different, what was it about him, that caused her to wreck a good mge---of course then comes the question ---was it a good mge???

But even if there were problems, or problems she perceived, and used as justification for her cheating---WHY WHY WHY

If she claims she doesn't know why---then demand to know what she was thinking, she certainly can tell you her thoughts, as she went to her lover and spread her legs for him, and what was she thinking as she came home to you each night for the last 6 months, looked you right in the eyes, and said everything was fine---and then even gave you sloppy seconds---"wasn't she just great, such a loving wife"

You caught her---had you not, this would have gone on and on, and on-----and now all of a sudden she is remorseful, and wants it to work----why, now does she want her mge to work---she hasn't wanted this mge for the last 6 months---WHY NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN

Before you allow her to come back------you need to know---exactly why she is back---cuz she is not here of her own free will, she is here, cuz she was caught, AND HAS NO OTHER PLACE TO GO, and NO ONE TO GO TO------

Whatever you do, be hard about this--THERE MUST BE ACCOUNTABILITY---she should not be allowed back into her prior cushy lifestyle---if she does come back, it is to a small room, somewhere in the house, and she will have all her clothes and cosmetics, in that small room with her--also no mr nice guy from you---no lovey--dovey----if she doesn't like it---tell her, she has a choice----she can always leave-----for in all actuality---hasn't she in all reality, ALREADY LEFT THIS MGE


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And what kind of burner phone is it ?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Believe it or not I've come to think saying the word love is easier after long marriages. After being with someone so long you may take them so for granted that feeling the excitement and rush of an affair leads to OM being granted higher status.

6 months. A burner phone. The love word. Sex. Deception. Would have probably carried on had she not been caught. So how long would it have gone on for if you had been oblivious. A year, two?

So what is she sorry for? Ashamed of? ONS at a bar you could possibly forgive as a one time discretion *not me for the record*
But 6 months? Three weeks? How many meetings did they have in those 6 months.

I wish you luck whatever decision you decide to take. So sorry you had to come here.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

You must tell her that until she tells you everything and comes clean there is no chance for rconcilliation at all. If she comes complety clean then you will consider it. I agree with the other. There is no way they were together six months and only had a one night stand. How stupid does she think you are? 

Oh and do not let her come home for a long while. Maker her stay at her parents until her fog lifts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the good news is that you have time on your side, even if you were to see a lawyer today and file


I would have her write out a timeline and go from there


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This one hit me hard when I read it. I don't know why. Took everything inside me to keep from crying and i have not cried in a long time.

The advise I am going to give you may not be the best more of a reaction to some raw nerve your story hit. 

If it was me I would tell her "Bye". I don't need nor do I want an explanation. You go live your life and I am going to file for D. All I ask is that you keep quiet, don't bug me, don't ask me to do anything.

Then I would get busy getting my affairs in order and file.

Then just wait to see what happens. Like what was said above you have time to think about it.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

A timeline is a good idea. I would also write down your pro's and con's of staying in the relationship and scale each item. Ex: "I truly love her" equals 5 points, "she cheated" equals 6 points. Total up your "stay" and "go" columns and decide. Do it a couple times. Do it as often as you need.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You joined last year but just now caught her? Please explain.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Since you've been here a while you also know you need to get tested for STDs


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think what I would find most unforgivable is the length of the affair. She is ashamed that she got caught and everyone knows but the time involved suggests she's not ashamed of the affair itself. My perspective on this might be a little different because I left my ex hb for someone else (who i'm now married to and have been with for 8 years) because I didn't have it in me to carry on behind someone's back. That takes a special type of mentality. It's likely that after such a long marriage she didn't want to give up the comfort of knowing you'd be there, but I doubt she'll ever really be trustworthy again. In any case it sounds like you handled it well so whatever you decide to do I wish you luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am at a crossroads with my wife too. As far as I know there is not another person involved however, mine is sneaking around and being dishonest as well. She's planning to move 1500 miles away whether I like it or not and whether I come or not. For years there have been trust issues. I was and continue to be wrapped around her little finger and have allowed her to get away with far too many things that a more healthy partner would never have permitted. Are you two still sharing the same home? Is it possible to put a temporary separation into place? For me continuing to see/interact with her each day is making things a lot worse.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Remorse is:

Telling you the truth. About everything you ask. Now - not in 10 months when she has conveniently forgotten.

Doing what you ask without a peep. No arguments. She has to accept that what you want is what you get, or the marriage is over. 

You've read the boards for a while so I am guessing you know the rest. I keep posting this point, but if she lies by ommission or by admission then it will catch up with you both.

I wish I could give you advice except to hold on for a rough ride. 

Oh, and make sure she understands that she has to tell the truth - did I mention that?

I don't think you should file. It should not require any pressure in any form if she is remorseful. You have plenty of time to divorce her if it doesn't work.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Like you, I was married over 23 years when I discovered my wife's affair. I chose the road to reconciliation.

roostr, here's my two cents:

Reconciliation is hard. I think it's probably harder than divorce. I was an emotional wreck for awhile, and while suffering from such a grave emotional injury, I guess I was willing to accept help from anyone, including the one who inflicted the injury.

Now that my emotions have stabilized, and I've regained control of my reason, I realize I'll never be able to love my wife the way a man should love his wife. I have no respect for her; it's not getting better, but worse.

I live in a hardened state of emotional withdrawal. I do not want to have sex with my wife, refuse to engage her in intimate conversation, and try to avoid being around her unless absolutely necessary.

Is she remorseful? I don't know and I don't care.

Her adultery, especially in the context of the secret second life she structured to faciltate her long-term dalliances with a co-worker, revealed what type person she truly is, deep down, where it counts. I don't think she'll ever do it again, but difficulty in a marriage is only one of life's trials. When things get difficult, she's shown the propensity to aggressively pursue her own self-interests/self-indulgences at the expense of serious injury to those she's most responsible to protect. She can simply never be trusted as a companion.

I should've initiated divorce on D-Day. I think it's inevitable, and it's now going to be much more difficult on everyone involved that we spent so much time and effort on reconciliation, only to ultimately fail.

Others seem to have reconciled to happy marriages. I guess I'm not cut out for that. Maybe you are. Only you can judge.

Anyway, there's one solo from the choir for you to consider . . .


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Long term marriage that ended in an affair here too.

True remorse is going to be really hard to gauge because your wife has become accustomed to lying and deception. Is she answering all of your questions? Is she willing to do the heavy lifting required to reconcile? Do you think you'll ever get back to a level of trust that you can live with? Trust is the key. You can't have a marriage without some level of trust that YOU can live with and that your wife can live with. You'll probably never trust her completely again - can you live with that?

It is really hard to give up on your hopes and dreams - especially after such a long marriage. It IS possible to reconcile - others have done it. It really comes down to what YOU want - and that will take a bit of time to determine. In my case, after thinking constantly about it for the past 8 months (separation) - I finally realized that the past is past and the 25 years of marriage are history with no going back. It's hard to grasp the reality that your long-term marriage is over and that you will need to build a completely new relationship IF you are going to reconcile. And since you need to build a brand new relationship - that opens the door to building a new relationship with somebody completely new. The memories of your marriage may be a good reason to try to reconcile - but just remember that you can't go back - you can only move forward.

In my case, I'm working on moving on - but then my stbxw has never shown any remorse - so maybe that makes my decision easier. Never easy though - and I can honestly say that I still have feelings for my stbxw that probably won't die for a long-time.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Both of you need to get tested for STD's.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I'm curious the circumstances of the affair- how did she know this guy? How did she get the time free to meet him? What has she done to make sure this won't ever happen again? Do you have a timeline of the full affair? Do you have all her passwords? Have you shut off both her burner and her real phone, cancelled her FB, had her quit her job if it was a co-worker? Please give us lots more of the story - it will help give better advice.

Genuine remorse is something only you can gauge. Right now, only 2 weeks out, she is likely treading very lightly and acting apologetically thinking this will be able to be swept under the rug in short order.

Also, my gut is churning thinking she has much more hidden from you than you realize. Having a burner phone is not something an amateur cheater would think about. Mine didn't even think to delete text messages - she was just sucking on the dopamine fix like a crack addict and not even thinking I was on to her. Having a burner phone and being really good at covering her tracks sounds much more like she's an Expert Level Cheater. I suspect you will find this is not her first affair.

So sorry you are here.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

wow, thank you all for your responses, I do appreciate it... I will try to put out more info to answer questions.
First, I always thought we had a good strong marraige and that she would never be the kind to do something like this. I started coming to this site because I was looking for answers regarding why our sex life was diminishing. It still existed but I felt it was basically to shut me up. I have street smarts as well as being educated that far exceeds hers so it didnt take long for me to know something was up. I actually nailed it on the head several times as to what I thought she was up to, but with her being so good at lying I never had the proof I needed. 

As far as the OM, he is some guy that she had contact through her job. I already gave her the choice, the job goes south or I do. She treated me pretty much as par for the course during the affair, nothing out of the ordinary, which pisses me off even more. The fact that it was a 6 month or who knows longer affair and the fact that she had a secret pay as you go phone is wearing on me to the degree that I dont think I want to forgive her, you know, its all the lying, deception, whatever words fit this issue that bothers me a lot. She wants to come back to me because she has it friggen made, mostly everything a woman could possibly want. I've been told by a few other women that know that they think she is absolutely crazy and that there will be a line at my door if I D, lol, I appreciated the compliments though. 

jnj express, what you said is exactly what I need to know, and that is WHY. And I also know that if I didnt catch her who knows how long it would have went on. I understand what you're saying by being remorseful all of the sudden too. I personally think it is because she is suddenly hit with the fact that she may lose EVERYTHING, nice house, car, our daughter is livid with her, my boys are quiet about it. I want accountability, I want to know the details, I told her this has to be done otherwise there will be no chance for R. 

Something tells me she just dont really understand how severe this was. I did get out of her that she pursued him. Man did that bother me, kind of wish it was the other way around. 

lifeistooshort, Im actually thinking the same thing you said about her being ashamed, I too dont think its because of the affair, but rather that she was caught and exposed, Im going to press for this answer. 

InlandTXMM, She got to know him through her work. The free time needed to carry on was'nt much so that leads me to beleive she was most likely leaving work here and there, you know that kind of crap. It wasnt nights or weekends though. But all in all, does it really matter? People WILL find a way to cheat, thats a fact that cannot be argued regardless if it is one hour here and there. 

I do think there is way more than I know, in fact its impossible for there not to be. Was it her fist time, who the hell knows but I think it was, again, doesnt really matter the damage is done. Its really tough, as you all know, to carry on at work, act ok in front of my kids and family while going through this torture. 

But I do feel strong as I know that this had nothing to do with me and I never second guessed that. She started the **** about why she said it happened, you know, blaming me, I stopped her right in her tracks and told her not to even go there as this was a choice she made all by herself, not a mistake either. 

So thank you all for your support, and I will keep you updated. For now Im really just observing her to see how she approaches this. She will either pass or fail, its up to her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

roostr,

It sounds like you have a good understanding from TAM, about the importance of consequences to a CS. That's fortunate for you if you want to R. Unfortunately for me, I really didn't.

Like you and certain others that have posted, I'm trying to R from a two year PA my wife had. We'd been married 24 years when I caught her. In her mind, it was an exit affair. 

I understand your thoughts about thinking your wife has it too easy. I've had and continue to have those thoughts a year and a half since Dday. This despite my wife, reliably demonstrating remorse since then.

I could have helped myself mentally and emotionally, if I had avoided the mistakes I made, so I'll give you some advise - mainly in terms of giving her the proper consequences.

- Make sure that you spend time apart from her. Long enough for her to think about what she's done and to worry about how things will turn out for her.

- Like you've already mentioned that you're doing; take no responsibility for her A. None.

- Make sure you expose far and wide. Not just partially. Make her show you she "owns" what she did by her acceptance of this.

- Make sure you are explicit about your expectations around transparency and all the other requirements. That she agrees to them completely.

- Make sure that she knows that her value to you as a wife has diminished, and that you will not tolerate things that you may have in the past. Ex., lack of interest in affection/sex, male friends, GNO's, unaccounted for time, not talking openly about the A, etc.

- Make her aware that to you, this R is a trial. No guarantees. That even if she displays remorse, she shouldn't blame you for changing your mind; at least not until you had a chance to completely process what she did; however long that takes.

Bottom line - make her EARN her way back. So that you'll have no regrets for not testing her remorse enough. To help give you the best idea of whether she is truly remorseful versus just trying to save her a$$. 

But at the same time, don't be an a-hole. Work on your marriage. Give her some hope. Be amicable with her even when you can't be there emotionally.

Even if you do all this, you're still likely to have continuing doubts and self respect issues. I'm still waiting for mine to dissipate. But IMHO, that's just par for the course when a BS elects the path of R.

Best of luck with R if that's what you want to do. Keep posting.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Roostr, sorry to see you here. I noticed you said that your first wife also cheated on you. Were the circumstances similar to what happened with your 2nd wife? Did you 2nd wife know about the affair from the 1st one? If your wife knew all about the 1st betrayal, I think that shows a lot about her character. But were the reasons for why they both cheated on you similar? I realize that the cheating was not your fault, and that both wives should have confronted you first before they did it. But is there a common theme to both? Were you too giving since you said that your wife "had it made"? Sorry, didn't read your back story.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Telling you the truth. About everything you ask. Now - not in 10 months when she has conveniently forgotten.

Oh, and make sure she understands that she has to tell the truth - did I mention that?_

I don't see how he can verify that she's telling the truth. Burner phone, 6 month affair, and she got caught. File. She needs to feel some fear and consequences. Then observe how she reacts.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Roostr, sorry to see you here. I noticed you said that your first wife also cheated on you. Were the circumstances similar to what happened with your 2nd wife? Did you 2nd wife know about the affair from the 1st one? If your wife knew all about the 1st betrayal, I think that shows a lot about her character. But were the reasons for why they both cheated on you similar? I realize that the cheating was not your fault, and that both wives should have confronted you first before they did it. But is there a common theme to both? Were you too giving since you said that your wife "had it made"? Sorry, didn't read your back story.


The first marriage was to a high school sweetheart, I don't know exactly why it happened to this day, but I think she grew apart from me. In that one, she actually set it up for me to catch her in the act, which worked. I guess she needed complete closure from me, lol. That one was pretty bad as I held a loaded 12-gauge to my face and thought about it, obviously I'm glad I didn't do it. My current wife knows all the facts about the first, yes. This has already crossed my mind in wondering even more so how she could do this knowing my past. I don't know, to me this doesn't even seem real. The common theme is bad luck I think, who knows the answer. But it does make you question the decency of people. What the hell does it take to know a person, know what I mean?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Once you've been cheated on once you are, in my opinion, far more likely to discover infidelity where others would not. 

Being cheated on is fairly common (i.e. not a 1 in 100 event) so to be cheated on twice is not unlikely at all. It's cruddy for sure and it does make you wonder what many people are like.

Having said that, throughout my life it has been a rare occurrence to find a 100% trustworthy person and some people can be trusted as a friend, but not as a spouse and vice versa.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Once you've been cheated on once you are, in my opinion, far more likely to discover infidelity where others would not.
> 
> Being cheated on is fairly common (i.e. not a 1 in 100 event) so to be cheated on twice is not unlikely at all. It's cruddy for sure and it does make you wonder what many people are like.
> 
> Having said that, throughout my life it has been a rare occurrence to find a 100% trustworthy person and some people can be trusted as a friend, but not as a spouse and vice versa.


I just read your story, wow that's a tough one too. The thing that stood out to me is what you said about your brothers in law. Its amazing how people you thought you were close to turn their back in a heart beat, amazing. hope you're doing better, gl.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- I feel for you and your children. Unfortunately, I know how tough the situation is. I chose the path of D. However, I did not have a remorseful wife. She also never told me any truths on her own. Everything I know I found out on my own. She denied even what I knew until I showed her the proof then she got really pissed. Bottom line, the D is over- that process sucked- and life is better without her as a daily part of my life. 

All the best
WD


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Roostr-

My story is similar to yours. Long term PA, that I had to end. I can say after trying R for almost 14 months many days I wish I had just filed. We have small children so I decided to try R for them. It is a tough road to say the least. My fWW shows moments of remorse then not so much. It is its own version of hell. Daily I question myself. After lying for so long I am not sure how much I could ever trust her. I don't worry about her cheating again as much as not telling me everything about the A.

I have just recently demanded a full timeline, but it was more than a year ago it ended and went on for almost 3 years prior- so it will be tough for her. I would re-iterate an earlier post about demanding it now.

Good luck.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Here is an update 2 1/2 weeks after d-day. Its not going good. I cant seem to get any details out of her which I feel a need to. Not even general things like where and when did you two hook up, how often, why, what was missing in our marraige, things like that. 

Now she is like, "I dont want to talk about it as Im trying to forget it ever happened". "You start with me every day" "I know you, you will never let this go". " I dont want to be tortured about this forever". In my opinion, just a bunch of arrogant, cold hearted statements. She told me I need help. I was like, yeah ok maybe I do, what about you, nothing?

When I first caught her, she was all about counselling, she said " I will do anything to save our family" but hasnt taken any action whatsoever since. 

At this point, I do have an appointment for to see a counselor, but to be honest, Im not very sure what direction I want to take. Part of me cant let go and part of me knows I would be fine without her. This sucks. 

I do think she is ashamed to talk about the details. But I am saying what the hell is the difference I already know so much. What is actually is, is that I want to hear it from her mouth, partly to cause her some pain, partly because I want to know. 

I had a family function over the weekend and went alone as my family is too pissed off at her to bring her around. Strange thing is I actually felt ashamed as that was the first time ever I went to a function alone. 

I dont see this turning out good. I would hate to tear my family apart but I dont know, it may happen regardless. 

Should I give it a try to R? What should I be looking for her to do that would tell me she is truly remorseful and want to save our marraige? I dont feel anything good yet.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

You aren't tearing your family apart, man. She is. If she's not willing to give you the transparency you need to get through this, spare yourself the pain, and rip-off the band-aide.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

roostr said:


> What should I be looking for her to do that would tell me she is truly remorseful and want to save our marraige?


To start with she should be answering every one of your questions.Torture for her? What about you? She made this bed!


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

You can't reconcile by yourself -- she doesn't seem like she wants to.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

roostr said:


> Here is an update 2 1/2 weeks after d-day. Its not going good. I cant seem to get any details out of her which I feel a need to. Not even general things like where and when did you two hook up, how often, why, what was missing in our marraige, things like that.
> 
> Now she is like, "I dont want to talk about it as Im trying to forget it ever happened". "You start with me every day" "I know you, you will never let this go". " I dont want to be tortured about this forever". In my opinion, just a bunch of arrogant, cold hearted statements. She told me I need help. I was like, yeah ok maybe I do, what about you, nothing?
> 
> ...


You know what you have to do. Sorry man.. She closed all the doors. Start the 180 and file for divorce.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She is being defiant because he still thinks you want to R and you will not throw her out.

Ask her to pack her bags and leave. File for divorce and have her served. Who knows? That might open up her mouth and get her talking about what she did.

Right now she is not afraid of you. Put some fear in her.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This will not work. I was lucky enough to have a half way house of trickle truth, a remorseful but uncooperative ww and a very good memory.

What this meant was that, although she wouldn't tell me anything, I could figure it out piece by painful piece. Even so it was absolute Hell to go through and is what has made our R a failure in the end.

As it stands, you have only one route available for your sanity and pride: divorce.

Move on, she is not remorseful or willing to help. Move on.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

roostr said:


> Here is an update 2 1/2 weeks after d-day. Its not going good. I cant seem to get any details out of her which I feel a need to. Not even general things like where and when did you two hook up, how often, why, what was missing in our marraige, things like that.
> 
> Now she is like, "I dont want to talk about it as Im trying to forget it ever happened". "You start with me every day" "I know you, you will never let this go". " I dont want to be tortured about this forever". In my opinion, just a bunch of arrogant, cold hearted statements. She told me I need help. I was like, yeah ok maybe I do, what about you, nothing?
> 
> ...


roostr,

Your WW's not giving you answers because you've haven't given her any consequences. You know from her actions that she's a pretty heartless woman and also a calculating one. She's sized you up as all talk and no action which, from what you've told us, seems to be correct.

Do what others have advised, file for divorce and ask her to leave. That will certainly send her a message and, if she really does want to save her marriage, should cause her to be more cooperative and forthcoming (although not really remorseful, IMO).

However, based on everything you've told us about her, she's no prize and the chance of your successfully reconciling and having a happy marriage seems pretty slim.

Best of luck to you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Stop hitting your head against the wall...you'll get a headache.

The wall being your wife's secrets and her unwillingness to tell you what happened. That's not out of shame, that's out of being unrepentant for her deeds. You want to R and move on, she still feels entitled...in fact she's not afraid of stonewalling you because she's trying to move on and hope it blows over. 

She doesn't get the severity of what she's done.

So are you going to keep begging? Keep pleading for her to tell you when where and how. Those private memories she so cherishes and refuses to divulge?

Read Myka's thread on how a betrayed husband dealt with his wayward wife.. abet it was only emotional, but she got the gist of how serious things were by his swift and brutal action. You allow your wife to cake eat, you're the only one to lose. Your choice.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Your wife just doesn't get it roostr. There's only one way for her to get it, if she ever will at all.

Ask her to leave the house, do the 180, and talk to an attorney to get D going. Maybe, she'll come around, maybe not; but if you even want a chance at R, that's what you need to do.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Roostr, please leave. Leave now. The human heart, mind and spirit is not designed to withstand the intense, emotional trauma you're going to be subjected to for the foreseeable future without very real, permanent, negative consequences to your health and psyche.

The only proper response form her is total submission to your demands. Any normal human being who truly cares for anyone besides themselves will know this instinctively.

Get out. She is not worth it, man. No one is.

EDITED TO CLARIFY: Leave the marriage. Now.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> Roostr, please leave. Leave now. The human heart, mind and spirit is not designed to withstand the intense, emotional trauma you're going to be subjected to for the foreseeable future without very real, permanent, negative consequences to your health and psyche.
> 
> The only proper response form her is total submission to your demands. Any normal human being who truly cares for anyone besides themselves will know this instinctively.
> 
> Get out. She is not worth it, man. No one is.


Why should Roostr leave? He's not the one who cheated.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When cheating wives get defiant like she is it often means the affair has continued and gone underground. He's providing her with support and attitude. 

She believes she has options, and you don't.

Her defiance also means she has no remorse. None.

She is right, you do need help. You need a very good shark lawyer, and you need to file. 

She's given you her position clearly: either you just forget it all and let her go back to doing it, with no more complaints for you , or else.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but at least you know why real sex got taken away. She was giving it to another man.

Btw, post the OM on cheaterville.com, AND notify her work if its a professional setting of the OMs identity so they are away of him.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Unfortunately I think shaggy nailed it. Sorry op.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your wife's attitude reminded me of this post from a cheating wife (on a cheater's support website) who posted her advice to another cheater who had just been busted:


> Busted wife:
> I have not posted for a few weeks because I haven't a clue what is going on.
> 
> I am in the exact same situation I got busted and again completely my fault h found a second phone I had for mm he took the number and started to ring and text him before confronting me.
> ...


Be sure you know the truth about the OM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah, don't believe anything you've been told about the OM by your wife.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Roostr,

So sorry bro! Lived a very similar story; 23 years of a good marriage, and it went to hell.

I tried too hard to R. My ex WW sounds exactly like yours. The decision to leave and D for me took 8 months. It sucks.

Nothing to say that the previous posters haven't covered. Time to cut your losses, and move on.

Get your D over, and go find a better woman.

Thanks for sharing your story.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Everything you people said is true, I think I just needed to hear it. I am leaning the way to D anyway. I know I havnt given her any consequences and that bothers me. I really find myself detaching from her emotionally over the past week. If I keeep up this way, it will make it easier for me. She is in a bad spot, I asked he to leave last night, she said, this is my house too. I said no problem, you can have it and the mortgage as well, you're only about 2 grand per month short on income, and it aint coming from me. So I do give her $hit right back to her, Im not the type to back down easilly. But I do pick and choose my battles. In reallity, Im in a decent spot, she would have to move in with family, I will have my kids, house and everything that goes with it, she will have her car payment, insurance bill and all her credit card bills that her income will barely cover. And she knows that the minute she is gone the locks will be changed. Im not asking her to stay in this at all, Im just not sure what I want, but I told her I dont think I can ever forgive her. I think this went against how she thought I would react. She probably thought I would start begging and pleading her to save our marraige, aint happening.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Only problem is, I change my mind about 10 times a day. I feel one way in the morning, another way throughout the day and another way at bed time. Its a real roller coaster ride. Its very confusing.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

roostr said:


> Everything you people said is true, I think I just needed to hear it. I am leaning the way to D anyway. I know I havnt given her any consequences and that bothers me. I really find myself detaching from her emotionally over the past week. If I keeep up this way, it will make it easier for me. She is in a bad spot, I asked he to leave last night, she said, this is my house too. I said no problem, you can have it and the mortgage as well, you're only about 2 grand per month short on income, and it aint coming from me. So I do give her $hit right back to her, Im not the type to back down easilly. But I do pick and choose my battles. In reallity, Im in a decent spot, she would have to move in with family, I will have my kids, house and everything that goes with it, she will have her car payment, insurance bill and all her credit card bills that her income will barely cover. And she knows that the minute she is gone the locks will be changed. Im not asking her to stay in this at all, Im just not sure what I want, but I told her I dont think I can ever forgive her. I think this went against how she thought I would react. She probably thought I would start begging and pleading her to save our marraige, aint happening.


there was probably a small chance that she could have repaired this. but she threw it away because she had little to offer beyond empty words


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

roostr said:


> Now she is like, "*I* dont want to talk about it as *Im* trying to forget it ever happened". "You start with *me* every day" *"I *know you, you will never let this go". " *I* dont want to be tortured about this forever". In my opinion, just a bunch of arrogant, cold hearted statements. She told me I need help. I was like, yeah ok maybe I do, what about you, nothing?.


It is still all about her and what she wants, thinks, and controls.

She controls the details and timeline of the affair and even after you ask time and time again, she gives you little or nothing and then she berates you for not just forgiving her and moving on. How can you forgive someone if you do not know the details of what you are forgiving?

"You start with *me* every day" - No sh*t! she will not give you what you need to move past this.

*I* dont want to be tortured about this forever". Does she think that you want to feel this pain for the rest of your life? She just said she wants you to ignore what she did because SHE is feeling bad about it (probably feeling bad about getting caught). No empathy for the torture you are going through.

*"I *know you, you will never let this go". She entered into a deceptive long term affair knowing what your first wife did to you. So she did not and does not expect to be forgiven for what she has done. She has zero respect for you.

I do not see any remorse here. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I do not see any empathy for your pain here.

All I see is a wife who became an entitled princess, who took her husband for granted, who got a little attention from OM and went for it. Not a second thought for you, your family, or marriage. It was all about her selfish choices. The really sad thing is that her behavior since DDay indicates that it IS STILL ALL ABOUT HER SELFISH CHOICES.

NOW the future for you is your choice - not hers.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

roostr said:


> Everything you people said is true, I think I just needed to hear it. I am leaning the way to D anyway. I know I havnt given her any consequences and that bothers me. I really find myself detaching from her emotionally over the past week. If I keeep up this way, it will make it easier for me. She is in a bad spot, I asked he to leave last night, she said, this is my house too. I said no problem, you can have it and the mortgage as well, you're only about 2 grand per month short on income, and it aint coming from me. So I do give her $hit right back to her, Im not the type to back down easilly. But I do pick and choose my battles. In reallity, Im in a decent spot, she would have to move in with family, I will have my kids, house and everything that goes with it, she will have her car payment, insurance bill and all her credit card bills that her income will barely cover. And she knows that the minute she is gone the locks will be changed. Im not asking her to stay in this at all, Im just not sure what I want, but I told her I dont think I can ever forgive her. I think this went against how she thought I would react. She probably thought I would start begging and pleading her to save our marraige, aint happening.


It is scary how many of us have been in the exact same place.

I ended up leaving her (exWW) behind in the house, because I really didn't know what to do to get her out of it. Tried to get her to sell it. Within months she defaulted, and we had to do a short-sell on it.

The stuff and the money all can go away. My credit took a hit, as most of the divorced crowd probably has had happen.

The roller coaster is a great analogy. The highs and lows will tend to flatten as the ride goes on...the emotional detachement will likely grow.

My heart still hurts when I think back on the events of 2-3 years ago. 

My heart also races with excitement when I think about my wonderful, beautiful, NEW wife.

You are in a deep hole looking up. It will be better when you get out of it.

I hope Heaven smiles on you soon. It will.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, so you need things to keep you busy, here are a few.

1. Find out every thing possible about the OM, phone, employers, shie size. High school etc. everything.

2. Contact her employer and inform them about the OM. Hopefully it's the kind of place where the OM will loose business.

3. Post the OM on cheaterville.com, send a link to your wife and the OMs family. Do not forget his mom.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I will tell you this, you guys are awesome....This site offers endless solid advice. I need to toss all this around, but wanted to say thank you once again.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

roostr said:


> Hello...I joined this forum last year when I sensed some problems in my marriage and felt that it was getting a little more serious than the usual ups and downs we all experience. I enjoy trying to help others if and when I can by adding my 2cents on others threads.
> 
> Unfortunately I knew that one of these days I would be posting my own story here, its amazing how you can sense something going on, like they all say, trust your gut.
> 
> ...


Due to the length of this thread I decided to skip all responses and add my $0.02. 

I think you're being played. Totally played.

She has a 6 month long betrayal and never confesses. You had to bust her. Now THAT has 'I love you' written all over it.

She simply has no where or no one to go to or she'd be out of there. 

To be short and blunt. Throw her out. You deserve so much better.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until she owns her crap she is not going to fix her self.

What I mean you staying or leaving should matter to her, she should be able to stand up and say that she owns her behavior and no matter how unhealthy it was she has to face her behavior as an individual.

She has to face her self head on and be able to say that yes I dropped to my knees for some guy and let him do degrading things cuz I liked it......(sorry for the bad anology, maybe she like to dominate men who knows)

Read on to see my real point here

See brother your old lady isn't being honest with her self, she isn't being honest with you and it all boils down to what she is to ashamed to admit to what she has become and what her needs are.

So how in the hell can you fill those needs?


Why is she hiding her wants?

Both these question will not affair proofing her marriage in the future! maybe years from now she will need to go back for some clown sex..( see my point isn't what her kink is, but that she isn't sharing it with her husband and thats a set up for future failer)


Its clear that she is a shamed, hence the reason not wanting to talk about it....but was she ashamed enough to stop it that one time or go back for more (for 6 months). My point is she liked it and now can't share it with you.

I guess my question is if she did open up and tell you what she enjoyed so much for those 6 month do you think you could handle it? Maybe your chick knows you better then you think and what she has become is not wife material? (but can be behind closed doors)

At the end of the day until she can admit it to her self (own her crap) she will always be hiding her secret...only to be met later on...maybe years from now.

My wife played the good wife for years only to go back to her wants and needs. Only until recent when she was able to face her self and then face me what she has become has she truly been happy....see now I can meet the need and only me...she is no longer a shamed to be that bad girl and is no longer concerned about what I think of her as a wife she wants me to think of her as a women. (reread that last sentence, its important)


But you guys will never get there until she face her self and faces the consequences...again owning her sh1t no matter what happens.

I have to say this kind of thinking makes for an emotionally healthier and happier individual.....even though it might not be with you.

Again until she can be honest with her self and stop running away from her self she will continue to run away from you...to ashamed to have you meet her dark needs. Those needs she feels she has to hide from you and find some strange to share with.

In short she is rug sweeping her identity.

She is taking a big chance if she does open up...but then again she is taking a big chance by not opening up. I think she is in a lose lose sitch and for her self she need to face her self and the consequences. Talking about a bad behavior and facing the consequences is the path to fixing her self....some day she might see this...hopefully soon and you brother can face what your chick has become and she can share it with you and you alone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until she can talk to you she is still hidding....not good for the marriage!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

roostr, I'll start my post with a quote that came from you to another poster:



roostr said:


> I have to be honest, *If I had a smoking gun of my wife having a PA, I would drop what ever I was doing to get to the lawyer to file for divorce. Dont even think twice about it, she made a choice for another man*.
> 1. Its the right thing to do.
> 2. It will put her life into turmoil.
> 3. It will put a big damper on her affair, they will both look at the situation different, it will no longer be the very exciting secretive affair, it will now become the typical man/woman relationship, big difference imo.
> ...


As you now know, it's much easier said than done. Now, you gave her a shot at R, but she wasn't remorseful, not one bit. All she wanted to do is sweep this under the rug. Did she ever quit her job? I remember you saying that she had to quit her job as a requirement for R, because she was with the OM thru her job. From your update, it doesn't look like she ever quit her job, so quite likely, the affair is underground or on hold for now.

Its time the WW faced the consequences, because so far, she hasn't felt any. Have you started the D process yet? I haven't read anything about a lawyer yet.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Thing is bro, it's not what YOU should be doing, it's what SHE SHOULD BE DOING.

If she wanted to R and your forgiveness, she would be on her hands on knees begging you for a second chance..not the other way around.

She would have told you everything, she would have been profound she would have been honest. You get none of that. All you've been doing is taking hammer to pick and trying to chip away at stone to get any sort of answer.

Think about it like this. You have a child, you go shopping and in the grocery store they take a piece of candy from the shelf and pop it in their mouth. You stand there going Do you know what you did was wrong? Why did you do that? Are you sorry for what you did?
Meanwhile they're chewing away enjoying the sweet looking at you, utterly unrepentant. What actions you displayed in that store have showed this child what they did was wrong? They got the sweet, enjoyed it, didn't have to really apologize and when they finally did, they weren't really sorry, they were just saying it.

Do you go home and leave it at that? Knowing your child took something and was utterly unrepentant about their did and you know it's most likely they will do it again. Do you leave it at that?

What are you teaching your wife?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

roostr said:


> Only problem is, I change my mind about 10 times a day. I feel one way in the morning, another way throughout the day and another way at bed time. Its a real roller coaster ride. Its very confusing.


It's also perfectly normal. You seem to be doing well after being too soft on her at first.

You simply cannot reconcile without her in complete remorse and submission to your demands for information and transparency. You cannot forgive what you do not know you are forgiving.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

roostr said:


> Only problem is, I change my mind about 10 times a day. I feel one way in the morning, another way throughout the day and another way at bed time. Its a real roller coaster ride. Its very confusing.


Hey pal, sorry you're here. 
I know what you mean about changing your mind. For me it has a lot to do with my energy level. 
In the morning I'm tired and I just want to take the easy way.
Later, I get wound up and p!ssed off and an ready to roll.
At night I'm tired again and just want the easy way.

Up and down all day.

It all changes with the roller coaster of my rhythms. Predict how you will feel before hand and talk yourself through it.
You know this will chew a hole in your soul to continue with her and not have an unconditional surrender. So when you have energy put it on paper and read it when your tired to remind yourself of how a healthy, energetic you feels about this.

Good luck and stay strong.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> roostr, I'll start my post with a quote that came from you to another poster:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hang in there you will be reading it soon if it keeps going the way it is, you will be reading about the lawyer. I spelled out the conditions tonight, she don't comply, she will have to leave. Even if she does, day by day Im thinking Im better off without her anyway. Im not a hypocrite and I meant what I said. Its just taking me some time to think about what Im doing and how to do it. Part of me is looking forward to the single life and the variety of women.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

roostr said:


> Here is an update 2 1/2 weeks after d-day. Its not going good. I cant seem to get any details out of her which I feel a need to. Not even general things like where and when did you two hook up, how often, why, what was missing in our marraige, things like that.
> 
> Now she is like, "I dont want to talk about it as Im trying to forget it ever happened". "You start with me every day" "I know you, you will never let this go". " I dont want to be tortured about this forever". In my opinion, just a bunch of arrogant, cold hearted statements. She told me I need help. I was like, yeah ok maybe I do, what about you, nothing?
> 
> ...


That's her way of telling you she has no remorse and doesn't love you.

Sorry, but game, set and match.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

roostr said:


> Only problem is, I change my mind about 10 times a day. I feel one way in the morning, another way throughout the day and another way at bed time. Its a real roller coaster ride. Its very confusing.


That's only natural. Sorry, but be strong and KICK HER OUT! Get a restraining order and change the locks. Be a strong man and let her know.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

roostr said:


> Here is an update 2 1/2 weeks after d-day. Its not going good. I cant seem to get any details out of her which I feel a need to. Not even general things like where and when did you two hook up, how often, why, what was missing in our marraige, things like that.
> 
> Now she is like, "I dont want to talk about it as Im trying to forget it ever happened". "You start with me every day" "I know you, you will never let this go". " I dont want to be tortured about this forever". In my opinion, just a bunch of arrogant, cold hearted statements. She told me I need help. I was like, yeah ok maybe I do, what about you, nothing?
> 
> ...


The things your wife is saying are the same ones mine was saying. Swore she'd do counseling but never did. Swore full transparency but never did. I got tired of the half truths. 6 months after the divorce was final, she married her OM who she said she'd never speak to again.

She needs to show true remorse and bend over backwards if you're ever to consider R. If she doesn't..............D. Forever is a long time without trust.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> The things your wife is saying are the same ones mine was saying. Swore she'd do counseling but never did. Swore full transparency but never did. I got tired of the half truths. 6 months after the divorce was final, she married her OM who she said she'd never speak to again.
> 
> She needs to show true remorse and bend over backwards if you're ever to consider R. If she doesn't..............D. Forever is a long time without trust.


The more time goes by, Im reallizing that I really dont like her as a person. This is all going to backfire on her, to me its all about timing. Im pretty confident that when I feel the time is right, I will bail out. Her attitude is pissing me off. Still wont talk about anything, I said fine, you know what the choices are, either tell me everything I want to know or pack your bags. Its a waiting game right now. But she knows Im not budging and its making her frustrated, Im laughing about it inside.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Are you following the 180?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Geeze why is she continuing to hide knowing it is pushing you further away and nor helping you heal.


Everyone has their own ducks to get in a row but it totaly sucks that she is running out of time.


I think she won't budge until the divorce papers are in her hand.

I get a sence that WW thinks "if roostr is still sticking around after the crap I did to him..then he ain't going any were".....


Dude I get sense she is taking this crap to the grave...and that my friend is not going to help you R!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I meant her R....what the hell do you have to reconcile with?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

See a lawyer and file. There is nothing I can see to save here. So sorry!


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