# flirting through facebook and text



## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't really know where to begin here so I am just going to go for it and hope I don't babble too much...

I have been suspicious of my husband since I found out he was texting one of my co-workers friends (weird I know). They had come over during a summer party and he almost instantly "friended" her on facebook... which eventually led to them exchanging numbers and texting. I become more suspicious and jealous always asking what he's doing on his phone, who he is talking to... we fight, we argue, I stay out later after work (I work nights at a resturaunt) he gets mad, I get mad that he's mad because I'm just hanging out with the girls at work. 

So we start talking a little more calmly to each other and agree to set one day for us to do something together alone, no kids. Oh and sex because I don't give it up enough and that is an issue too. He wants it like when we met when we were 19...maybe I'm not as sexual as he is. Anyway I'm getting sidetracked. We have our 1st date March 20. It was an awesome night. We flirted, we held hands. we smiled, talked. It was great! So he was on his phone and I was watching him, he has a lock on his phone and you KNOW I wanted that dang code!! Well he actually gave it to me. I was shocked. Maybe he really doesn't have anything to hide, I'm thinking. So we get home (kids are at his parents for a sleepover during spring break--even the 2 year old!) and have some of the most fun sex we've had in a long time! I was great, but grew uncomfortable for me so he suggested we grab a beer and go to the bed... Some how we started arguing and he got mad because we stopped, but he suggested going to the bed!! I was so confused and he stormed upstairs and went to bed. I went to find out what the hell just happened and he snapped that he had to get up in the morning and it was late. Ok so I'm so mad now and in tears, I go smoke and grab his phone...hey he gave me the code. no texts to look at if there were any (which I know now that there had to have been) but I read several facebook messges to MULTIPLE girls, not just the one I was suspicious of. not all of them were recent some last year, some the year before. I was so shocked! 

So here I am. 

Basically the messages were him making comments to these girls 'when we go for a run make sure you wear your thong' 'clothing optional when you come over' you clearly have the features of a runner. Suggestive talk, flirting. I couldn't believe it! One message said 'the warden is here ttyl.' Oh mygoodnesss so many things its crazy. So I ask him about these messages. It's just talk. They don't even reply. You're never home with me always staying at work. about the warden comment he says I meant it in a good way, you know because you take care of everything around here or something like that!
WOW!
So I contact on of the girls and she says she'll send me the texts (all of them?who knows she could have edited) and one of those is "you wanna know whats funny right now...she's looking over my shoulder asking who you talking to over there...geez it's like jail" What the heck?
Why is he bashing me to this chick??!! I feel its bashing, he says its not...I'M SO LOST and CONFUSED!!
okay so now this is a zillion miles long. and all I'm looking for is someone to tell me I'm not crazy to want to leave this guy. I am so messed up right now. 3 kids. 11,10, and 2. the 2 year old came about after we split up because of similiar happenings but decided to work things out. Happenings that have been happening in one form or another our whole relationship it seems. 
Oh my kid are going to be so confused!!
Thank you for any thoughts


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

So sorry you are here, but you are not crazy and he is gas-lighting you. No, the things he said were not just talk.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

It's is a reflection of poor judgement and poor boundaries. You aren't crazy and that isn't appropriate.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Unfortunately, your husband is cheating.

Secret texting is bad enough - but badmouthing you to another woman is a betrayal. He'll tell you it was a joke, but his actions show that it wasn't.

Even if it hasn't escalated into a physical affair, he is cheating. 

Don't sweep it under the rug. Sorry you're here.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

I would suggest that the bad mouthing, and the failure to defend you can further weaken the boundaries and allow him to cheat.

By objectifying you as a character "the warden" it's a lot easier to slip off for some fun, then if he was cheating on "the wife".


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

He's clearly dipping his big toe in the pool. You need to nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Also a need here for you both to address each others needs.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

carolinadreams said:


> It's is a reflection of poor judgement and poor boundaries. You aren't crazy and that isn't appropriate.


And total disrespect.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Update?


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

Not much to update yet. Yesterday morning we were arguing via text. He was telling me my work f*@ks are no doubt making this worse for him and I (I've only spoken to one person at work about this mess). that is doesn't matter what he says because my mind is made up, all I do is say that I am right and he is wrong. I don't actually say this, but from my comments I guess thats the way he feels. It's exhausting.
So later in the afternoon his texts are much calmer and nice, in fact I even asked why he was being nice to me now. He replies do you want me to be an a22hole, I was trying to be civil. I said ok good we have a lot of talking to do so nice will be good. To which he says lots of talkin but I never get to talk... I said ok well you will be able to talk I will listen. Did he talk to me when we had time, after the kids were not in ear shot or after they went to bed? No. well not about anything, he did ask for a kiss, he did ask for sexual favors.. did he bring anything up? no besides saying I know I was wrong
I was waiting for him to talk about it, maybe I should have just started talking. But when I do that all he says is that I keep making jabs at him... JABS??! This is what happened I'm telling you what I know these are not jabs!! I don't know.
Also what is gas-lighting exactly? Where instead of talking he brings up all my millions of flaws?
Thanks again for listening....


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Gas lighting is when they deny the obvious.

Example:
You come home and he has his d!ck in another woman. Then he gets mad at you for accusing him of cheating.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

From what I'm seeing in your posts I think your husband feels neglected.

I also see that he is doing some things he really shouldn't be doing. You staying out late isn't good either.

MC is a good idea. You guys are on a fast track to a bad place.


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

Won't open up facebook for me to look at after multiple times asking. says he doesn't know why he said those comments but I'm taking them the wrong way, but has no other excuse. This is insane!
Help!


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

and my husband totally feels neglected but what the heck.... so do I??!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How did you "work things out" the last time? Stuff them in the closet and agree not to talk about them? Or go to counselling, read some relationship help books together, etc... 

Look for "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Both of you should read it.

C


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're not crazy. He's cheating and getting bolder by the minute. He's getting off on getting one over on you, using his deception of you, the smugness over way he's fooled you to bond with these other girls. They pity him because he has evoked thoughts of him being trapped and fill in negative ideas about you to justify thumbing their noses at you in secret so that they don't have to face that what they are doing is cheating. If he makes it seem like he's escaping a ball and chain, then no one has to feel like the bad guy.

Kick his sorry behind to the curb and don't you look back at him until he changes his ways. He is the sort that needs to fall flat on his face on public TV in order to acknowledge that his sketchy behavior is disrespectful to you. Exposing might work, but he'll get angry. My stbxh was a bit like this, sneaking around and getting off on fooling me but also sending mixed signals because he felt guilty, using this to bond with his gutter trash and cake eat, while trying to make me believe that there was an innocent explanation to the proof of his cheating that I found or that I was crazy for thinking it at all. Trust your perception and not his because he will try to manipulate you to get his way. 

In all honesty, do you want to be a prison warden to him? Show him otherwise and make him face his actions. Gather intelligence. Confront. Expose. Kick him out to fall on his own behavior. And then 180. If he's got any decency, he'll get his act together. If not, you escaped a pit of stds and pain.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Sorry also to be blunt. You can't nice him out of this; you gotta stand up for yourself. You deserve better.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If he were not being unfaithful, why does he prevent you from viewing and discussing posts that you have already told him bother you? He is attempting to negate your feelings. He's saying that from his point of view there is nothing to them so if you are hurt, you are wrong. Well, no. If he has said or done something that offends you, hurts you, or crosses the line of fidelity, a remorseful loving spouse will apologize and make it right.
He is pusing you away by his actions, then blaming you because he feels neglected. It must be nice for him to act like a spoiled child, who takes no responsibility for his actions.


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