# How to have a real talk?



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Ok,when i try to talk to him about anything real - this is what happens

he starts saying things like "you are just playing games, you don't mean anything, you always manipulate me. All you want to do is control me."

He will start getting himself worked up to see everything in our relationship as bad and wrong and my fault. He just keeps getting worse and worse, saying more and more hurtful things about how I feel, what i'm doing etc. All untrue!

I'll say something like "whoa - hold on, I understand you feel these things but can you please not say them as if they are absolutes? Honey I love you but it really hurts me when you think so poorly of me, and I have trouble listening when you use words like that. I can appreciate that you may be misunderstanding what i'm doing, but i NEVER mean to play games, I do mean what I say and I don't want to manipulate you or make you angry or frustrated. Can we please talk about this without attacking each other? I really feel attacked when you do that"

He will answer with "FU*K IT! If you aren't going to let me express myself why should I talk to you?!" Then he looks off into the distance, angrilly flicking his ciggerette, his jaw muscles jumping in anger and wont talk. and won't talk. and won't talk. 10 minutes can go by with him doing this. me not daring to move. 

If I say, "I'm sorry I made you frustrated, I guess we should pick this up later?" 

He will answer with "Did I SAY I was Fu*king FRUSTRATED? Did I say that? HUH?" ( no you didn't, but you are acting really angry honey) DON'T TELL ME HOW I"M ACTING!! THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO LIE TO YOU. THIS IS WHY I NEVER TALK TO YOU. LOOK WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! (sweetie, I dont understand, what do you think I'm doing? I'm just trying to talk to you.) YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING THESE GAMES!

and then things go nowhere. help!

If I let him finish by being quiet then try to say something like "ok, i hear you think I'm manipulating you. I don't understand that, can you explain it please"

He will say "FU*K IT. You KNOW what you are doing, I TOLD you what you were doing, why should I have to explain it? My answers are never good enough for you, are they? You always want more. You just want to pick everything apart. You are just playing GAMES with me asking me to explain what you know full well" 

-- Honey, I want to understand. But I don't feel I'm playing games with you. I just want us to talk and be real. Can you help me out here? 

-- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING! I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE PLAYING THESE GAMES!

I have NO idea what he's talking about. How on earth can we get to a real and decent conversation when he's like this? 

I don't know what to do 

He says if he yells it's because I push his buttons
If I yell it's because I'm mentally unstable 
If He loses his temper and thows things it's just because I have made him defend himself by playing games and manipulating him
If I get angry (I don't throw stuff) it's because I have a serious anger problem. 

If He says he is sorry (something that hasn't happened in the last year) It's because he's sincere and means it (and i'd better accept!)
If I apologize i'm just 'playing games' and 'don't mean it'

HELP!?!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

There are books on theraputic communication, you could try reading one and at least get your part right. Maybe he will follow through and start to talk like you.
That blaming communication gets people no where.

At present from the jest of the connversations, your having control issues.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

snix, I had a very controlling father. 
After many years of futile arguements, I saw a counselor who told me how to handle him and it worked like a charm....... so much that it changed our relationship.

I had to start talking to him differently and give him the control and ego strokes before we could talk about anything.
I would start by naming all his good traits... I'd say he was a good man who was very handsome, wise and kind ( even though he wasn't all those things)
and know what?
he started to be kind !

blew me away !
and he changed... and began to be very good to me.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

wow. i'm all for it. yes he is very controlling. I don't mind when it's not directed AT me. But he's gone over the top and I feel stuck. 

He does NOT like me to compliment him, he smells a rat, even when I'm sincere due to his own self esteem issues. How can I utlitze your method? Book suggestions? 

How am I not handling my side of it? what did i do wrong? How can I fix it?

Thanks very much by the way.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

There is no book...
lol
I had ind counseling while in college from the psychology professor since I had no answers how to deal with my father and no one else did either and did not want to spend years in therapy with it.

so I asked the psyche professor to help me with the most stubborn man in the world.
and............... he did........... it worked so well, it amazed me as I was able to add to it and make him do anything for me.

I would tell him he was thoughftful and generous after awhile
and he became that. 
In your case you will have to use the adjectives that are in your situation

perhaps...
You have always been a good listener and fair...
( yes you will have to choke that out at first)... but you have to get him thinking about being those things before you can really talk....
and keep in mind, talk to a man is not like talk with your girlfriends.
Just get to the point.
No dwelling or girl talk....

It fills his ego and validates him and when that happens, you can get your ideas across to him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Ok I'll try it. 

I decided if he's going to stay here, lay in my bed, and not leave - I'm going to talk to him. 

If it makes him leave, so be it. 
If it gets us talking, so much the better. 

But I'm sick of backing off. It's not helping.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

communication requires listening too, don't foget that... just talking and talking do no good. Your going to have to do active listening
maybe until he winds down.

Then you can throw it at him.

lol


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## Mog (Jul 31, 2009)

Kick him. :2gunsfiring_v1:

Just kidding. Although.... both of my grandparents had long and happy (most of the time) marriages and each of my grandmothers had thier own really good frying pan story. 


Other than that I would have to agree with Preso. We men do enjoy having our ego stroked.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

_*Kick him. :2gunsfiring_v1:*_

In the balls! Ugh! Men! 

LOL ok,

/end rant


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if it is truly as you described (and i have no reson to doubt you), then he surly lacks good communication skills. sometimes, the role you are playing in these discussions could be construed by him as pandering or talking down to him. there isnt really any excuse for him blowing up all the time unless your timing sucks or he is hiding something. some people truly lack face to face conflict negotiation skills


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Gosh DARN I am so nice. 

DH's son got a ticket for driving without a lic and an expired inspection sticker and DH didn't take care of it for the last several weeks, and court was tomorrow. The son finally asked me and I took him to court, talked to the judge for him, got it dismissed (if he just would have paid the fine it would have gone on his record and he wouldn't be able to get his lic when he was 18) and loaned him the money to pay the fine. Now all he has to do is stay good for 30 days and it will all come off his record. 

When I was first dating DH, DH got arrested for driving without a lic - his was suspended for not having insurance. I made bail for him and paid the fine then too. I showed up at the jail with all the kids (all six) wearing "Acme Bail Bonds" Tshirts! lol... Needless to say, he hasn't been in jail since. 

Told DH about taking care of his son's ticket today, he said 'good'. Not even a thank you. Sigh. God, please bring me a good man who will appreciate me? Thanks. Amen.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

okie dokie - (i like typing that!) 

When he is feeling positive or neutral towards me (last year and before, occasionally now) we have no problems at all talking about anything and everything. It's now that he sees me as some evil daemon that everything I say or do is wrong, bad, ulterior motives etc. I don't know how to get thru to him that I love him, and are just trying to talk like we always do. did? whatever


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He's said he's finished. 

Like you said...might as well quit backing off if he's refusing to leave. If he leaves so be it. I think that's a good philosphy.

I would keep your talks short and expressions short. You speak well through your posts but he isn't in the mood to hear much. Short and sweet. 

Ask him questions. Perhaps a little at a time, when he seems like he's in a good mood. Do this for your information. You can't fix him or get thru. He's not ready and perhaps may never be.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Yeah... wonder what my first question should be?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

snix11 said:


> Yeah... wonder what my first question should be?


"When are you leaving?"


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

:iagree:

He has made it miserably clear he is done, and soon gone.

I don't understand the point of having deep and indepth talks with him...?

Other than day-to-day, schedules and kids, what is left to say?

Except of course...."Get The Hell Out Of My Bed!".


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

MsStacy has a point.

I think the couch or the floor would work for him!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> "When are you leaving?"


Oh I asked him that one - the response

"I Don't know" (pass the china please)


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

What is my justification for him being on the floor? 

He will just claim i'm "punishing him" and he is being punished enough


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Justification:

You really need one?

Hmmm. He wants you out of his life. He doesn't want to have sex with you. He treats you like crap. Who cares what he says. He is emotionally out of the relationship and doesn't care who he hurts.

Punish the crap out of him until he leaves! The floor is a good place to start. Afterall, you have to do what is right for you. If you feel uncomfortable with him in your bed, then tell him that this is something for you. He can take it however he wants!

You no longer need to be his victim.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

snix11 said:


> Yeah... wonder what my first question should be?


How are you feeling today?
thats a good first question............


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Justification:
> 
> You really need one?
> 
> ...


is this true? if so.... you should not try to talk to him but be doing everything to get away from him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

How are you feeling today? 
I ask him this all the time
I get "hot. tired."
nothing useful

I don't know how to get away from him. If we were just renting an apt, I would have been out of here a year ago. But the mortgage is in my name only. He said he's not leaving. I can't afford to move. I feel stuck.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Can you put the house up for sale? When it sells, you move, and he is forced to move too.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

No I can't put the house up for sale. My Ex of 10 years ago has a court order saying I can't sell it. He has put his case against me on hold (can keep it there for up to two years) because he has no evidence against me and I have no money for him to take.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

He's being LAZY... that's why he's flying off the handle for no reason. It keeps you being accommodating and contrite and gives him a way to avoid actually talking. He's done.

He's a waste of time. It isn't you... I highly doubt he would make an effort with anyone else. That's just where he is/who he is now. 

Can't you kick him out?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Yes, she can kick him out. She doesn't _want_ to.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

nightshade said:


> He's being LAZY... that's why he's flying off the handle for no reason. It keeps you being accommodating and contrite and gives him a way to avoid actually talking. He's done.
> 
> He's a waste of time. It isn't you... I highly doubt he would make an effort with anyone else. That's just where he is/who he is now.
> 
> Can't you kick him out?


No, I can't kick him out for various reasons. Not the least of which is that I gave him my word. I value that and hope he will eventually value his promises also. 

Whether or not he keeps his, does not release me from my obligations. Two wrongs do not make a right.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

snix11 said:


> No, I can't kick him out for various reasons. Not the least of which is that I gave him my word. I value that and hope he will eventually value his promises also.
> 
> Whether or not he keeps his, does not release me from my obligations. Two wrongs do not make a right.


It is not wrong for someone to want out of a relationship. It is wrong for you to keep sacrificing your own happiness hoping he will change. You may have promised him that you would never kick him out and you want to play the martyr and keep your promises, but listen! You are sacrificing your happiness! You deserve much more and should not keep doing what works for him. Start doing what works for you! Enough with the excuses. Make a plan and take action.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

snix11 said:


> No, I can't kick him out for various reasons. Not the least of which is that I gave him my word. I value that and hope he will eventually value his promises also.
> 
> Whether or not he keeps his, does not release me from my obligations. Two wrongs do not make a right.



Do you have a house where he can live in a portion and you live in a portion? something like a basement?
It would be better to set up house in the basement than live with him in the house.
Maybe you can even have him move down there?

some people have nice basements.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Preso, I wish. Not many basements in Texas  

Right now we have a three bedroom house with eight people living in it. we are strapped for room as it is. the only thing we have open is the beanbag in the office right off my bedroom. He did that for a week.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Well we've been getting along ok. but NOT talking

i have people on line i talk with online
so he has become kind of a 'side' person in my life

he seems quite content not being close


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I'm not sure how to turn off my feelings for him. 

Wish there was a switch. 

So i could be just as unfeeling and cold as he is

and just as happy about it


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

He said you are playing games with him.

I agree with him. You are.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Ok Sandy. 

That has such a negative connotation to it. Playing games? Toying with his heart? Trying to hurt him? Out to get him? 

How? How am I trying to hurt him? Manipulate him? Control him? 

And why is he still HERE? he likes it?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

yay. Sandy's back (ok, so I've missed a lot recently).

I disagree...I think it's HIM that's playing the games...trying to see just how far, how long he can string her for whatever stupid sadistic reasons. Snix needs to go cold turkey, IMHO. 

Snix has done more than most would consider humanly possible to salvage this. He doesn't want it.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

He tells her she is playing mind games with him because he KNOWS no woman in her right mind would take such crap. 

He has no _RESPECT_ for Snix because SHE is willing to be a doormat for him to clean his nasty self on. He knows himself what HE is, and therefore HE has not a ounce of love or respect for her. 

He lives with Snix because he can USE her for whatever he wants whenever he wants. Any little scrap of attention he gives her, good or bad, she just laps up.

Snix needs balls.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

yeah, agreed! (see? still light.  )


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I got rid of men in my life before....

wasn't very hard. You jusdt make them feel unwelcome as hell,
stop buying any food for them, remove all the sheets, towels, unplug the washing machine, make life in your home as unappealing as can be.
Before you do all that go to home depot and get new door locks and a few 2x4's...
cut the 2x4's to prop up against the locked door in case he tries to kick it in later.

Box up all the dishes and pots and pans and put them in the shed...
same with all the soap and towels.
Put a box of laundry soap in the bathroom for him...
turn off the hot water heater at the main switch....

tell him where all the single female neighbors live and suggest he go visit them, as maybe he can find a new place, with hot water, soap, dishes, pots, pans and towels.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

sorry but LOL LOL LOL ohhhh, bad of me....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

preso said:


> I got rid of men in my life before....
> 
> wasn't very hard. You jusdt make them feel unwelcome as hell,
> stop buying any food for them, remove all the sheets, towels, unplug the washing machine, make life in your home as unappealing as can be.
> ...


AWESOME, P. :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::smthumbup::smthumbup:
You should write a book: 

_HOW to LOSE LOSERS and OTHER UNSAVORY DEBRIS_


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

geeebuz preso. while i'm in "camping at stalag 4 mode" - i'm assuming also running about with loaded weapons and a stern look, what do i tell my kids about no food, water or soap?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I'd be working two jobs flipping burgers, and a third one throwing newspapers in yards at 5am OR tell him there is a spot on the carpet, you sleep _there_ and MEAN it if he wanted to pay the bills for me.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Like I haven't already applied for those jobs. sigh. 

Sandy, do realize I can't even get a burger flipping job???


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I tried those, too. was told I'm over qualified!  huh? WTF? It's part time!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

How to have a REAL talk. 

never ever ever ever quit. try whatever it takes. don't be afraid to argue, but try to diffuse where ever you can. 

ask them about what people say in the forums and what he thinks about it. 

and lookie there... it happened. a real talk!


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

and he said........?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Hey Snix~

Never PM me again.


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## justjay (Aug 21, 2009)

Snix posted for some time on another marriage forum. When she didn't like what she was told, (basically that living with someone is not the same as being married) she returned under another userid and said that she was married.

But the details of her story were so similar to that of her original userid that she was soon caught out. It's apparent that she believes that the people around her will be easily taken in by her lies. I am betting that it's a way of life for her.

She has lied about a lot of other things as well, some of which have been covered by euphoria and came to light on the other site. I'm not a stalker and I don't know euphoria, but I am glad she posted. I believe that the posters here deserve to know exactly what they are dealing with in snix.

Snix, get help for your compulsive lying, if only for your childrens' sake.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

OH MY GOSH! I just finished posting about this on her other thread. Not sure what forum you are referring to, but I read through almost 3 years of her BS. Yes, she is a LIAR. Has many kids by many men, is currently still married to one, while living with the next and has a toddler by him as well. Will not leave because she needs him to testify in the lawsuit about the money she extorted that is coming up in February? Go figure...

Anyway, there is so much more. If you don't care, keep posting how good she is and patting her on the back. If you are sincerely trying to help..stop wasting your time. I tried very hard to help her as well as others. And whatever you do, do not give her a personal email address or you will regret it!! I know because she tried to get a friend of mine in trouble at her work and all kinds of craziness...

Jay, what forum are you from? MB? Send me a PM. And Jay you may want to be careful posting about her because she will try to get you thrown off of here, it happenned to a few people already..


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Poor communication? Yeah, I'll say--he's being verbally abusive and his goal is to shut down any communication because he has no interest in it. Why keep trying, snix? I like the "When are you leaving" suggestion but would change it a bit, "Would you like me to call you a cab or drive you somewhere? Because you are getting out of this house and not coming back." Have you gotten a temporary court order requiring maintenance? Don't fall for the "it's too expensive to separate now" bull****. That's an attempt to eat his cake and have it to. Let him live in a friend's moldy basement; it's what he has chosen by refusing to be a husband and not earning enough to have a separate place. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Yes sisters I know... we worked it out, no worries  

Yes, we had a real talk. Yes we worked everything out to everybody's satisfaction - so it's all good. 

you want specifics, PM me... I'm actually getting a hoot out of all the 'not stalking' from my most recent admirers  

I can't wait to see what else i've done... LOL

Recent, Pass the popcorn


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

well everyone has your previous names on mb, so they know how long this has been going on

Oh wait, you talked...everythings better now..cool

Your stalkers also pointed some people in the direction of some very interesting reports and articles

Yeah, were the crazy ones...um..ok


Now why don't you run along and have another talk with your Husband-oh thats right he doesn't live with you!

Your babysdaddy-which one to choose from there are SOOO many!

Well, you know the toothless, porn addicted, meth addict that you live with. Run along and have another little talk. When you have time tomorrow be sure to create another username and story!!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

wow euphoria... are you that upset about being banned from the other forums? 

and you are actually stating you DIDN't Follow me here from other forums? 

yeah.... ok 

interesting to me that the minute I say every thing is fine, you just HAPPEN to show up and spout this... 

you got a reason for all this or what?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

P.S. Hello? ya'll know me, right?

I tried. This is true. I was probably nicer than I should have been, but that's me  

And I like me nice. And I will love whom I please. Thank you everybody that genuinely helped, Esp Mr. Z  

Love you honey


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Looks like you are bowing out now?

On to the next fairytale...

BTW, I doubt Mr. Z is here, if I remember correctly he prefers young redheads on porn sites. Unless you bought him some drugs tonight. That must be it..now that explains why he finally spoke to you again.

And you have NEVER had me BANNED FROM ANYWHERE. 

You should be on a parenting site for the many, many children you have..not a marriage site. YOU ARENT MARRIED!! At least not to Mr. Z
I am asking you to stop referring to me now. I will not respond


Carry on with the LUNACY....


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