# dealing with a difficult family at christmas



## bluebellwoods (Jul 22, 2013)

REALLY appreciate some advice here. I live with my partner 4 hours drive from my mother, who is on her own. I had a very unhappy childhood. Dad left when I was a baby, mom struggled to bring us up and had a relationship with a man who was violent and abusive to us all, we had no money, couldn't pay bills, moved from house to house, everything was stressful and I had no joy in my life. Then I grew up, and I now have a happy home with a loving partner. The problem is, I have to visit home as often as I can even though I can't say I particularly enjoy it. It's fine, I make the best of it, but my mom is often short-tempered, snappy, insulting to my partner and dismissive of my life. She doesn't seem happy that I'm happy - quite the opposite - she tries to drag me down, pointing out how miserable I'll be in the future, what a mistake marriage is (we're engaged although for financial reasons it's been postponed until work picks up), how motherhood will be a disaster (we're planning a baby too!) and generally negative, negative, negative. So here comes Christmas again....and the inevitable nightmare of my moms place. Last year, for example, I cleaned the house, cooked a Christmas dinner and tried to keep the peace and it was relatively ok, so I thought that this year I would do the same. But now she keeps phoning me and saying that I should "stay with HIM if you want, don't do us a favour by coming to see us, it's obvious who's important to you" to which I suggested why doesn't she come to my house for a change? My place is a bit bigger and she could relax while I do the cooking, etc, but she said "no, I don't feel comfortable there". She's refused to visit me since I moved here which was a year ago. I explained to her that if or when a baby arrives it will be difficult for me to drive to see her all the time, and I would really like it if she could make the effort to at least come to visit me once. But she won't. I'm stuck because if I don't visit her she will be all alone, again, and I'll feel terrible, plus she'll never speak to me again!! If I do go, I feel I'll be subjected to more negativity and insults. I'll leave feeling like my life is worthless and destined for misery. I've tried various approaches: I've explained that she doesn't have to feel in competition with John (my fiance) and that he's a good man and she should be happy for me. I've tried that every time she insults him I leave the room, but she accuses me of being hyper sensitive and "touchy". I've tried ignoring her completely but she has no friends and no family and I feel awful. I've told her that her comments are hurtful and that I'd like her to be more supportive but she, again, says I'm "touchy" and that I must have "hormonal problems". Please help! I need advice...tempted to just forget Christmas this year and hide...


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Sounds like you feel obligated to visit her often and that she tries to load on the guilt so you keep coming back. If it were me, and I've done this to some extent w/ my mom and my H has also distanced himself from his mom due to her manipulative games, I would stop going to visit her so often. You've already told her you'd like her to be more supportive, and she isn't interested. 

I don't think you're "touchy" - I think she is probably lonely and angry [at whatever] and is taking it out on you because she knows you'll keep coming back. Do you really think she'll stop talking to you if you don't visit her? And if she did, would it bother you? What are YOU getting out of your relationship w/ you mother like this? 

I'd set some boundaries - figure out how often you can handle visiting her, be firm if you don't want to go there, and if she picks fights, don't engage. It's not your job to make your mom happy or keep her from being lonely. Guilt should not be part of anyone's relationship!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My parents are passive aggressive, controlling, verbally abusive,and judgmental. When I was in my early twenties I felt a responsibility to go "home". As time went on I got counseling and did a lot of reading about family disfunction. I now only go there about once a year for a weekend and I stay at a hotel.

It took a while but the guilt changed to anger, then indifference, and now I feel sadness for my parents. They refuse to learn relationship skills and drive their family away. I will never let them manipulate me or my children into a stressful and toxic relationship. 

You are not responsible for their happiness and have no obligation to visit them out of guilt. An important person in your life should show you love and acceptance, and you should enjoy spending time with them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bluebellwoods said:


> But now she keeps phoning me and saying that I should "stay with HIM if you want, don't do us a favour by coming to see us, it's obvious who's important to you"


When she calls you again and says this again - and she will - here is your response: "Mom, I love you, but guess what? I am starting on a new path in my life. I no longer respond to passive aggressiveness, in order to save my sanity. And I know you love me and want me to stay sane. Your comment was passive aggressive and, so, I can't respond to it. Let me know if you want to try again later without it. Gotta go, bye bye!"

Here's a secret: The world won't come to an end when you do this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And, fwiw, My DD23 spent most of her childhood with the three of us going to Colorado to go skiing on Christmas week. Just to avoid the families. It was heaven.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Op,

I think you need to let your mother know that her behavior is no longer acceptable.

I would suggest that you write her a letter so that you ensure you get all your points across but do not run the risk of losing your temper whilst doing so. I have found that the whole process of putting your thoughts / desires down on paper in a logical order helps me understand how I fell about difficult issues. Do not be afraid to do a couple of drafts before you settle on a copy you can give to her.

If you do write a letter please make sure to say about the good things in your relationship with her and where necessary accept your share of the blame for thinks getting out of hand.

Best of luck with your mother but do not let her run you or your relationships down / ruin your chance of a happy Christmas not to mention future.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It is probably good to set some boundaries with your mom.

An alternative approach might be to just reflect the feeling with her (active listening). Are you familiar with this? Basically you listen to what someone says and repeat it back to them. They feel listened to and understood, and then they usually are open to listening to you, too. Active listening can really turn around relationships.

It all depends on how much energy you want to put into the relationship. Much easier to just focus on your SO and eventually your family. But you may feel a responsibility to, and compassion for, your mom, too. 

Hard place to be. Good luck deciding what to do.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I understand what you are going through and how hard it is to set those boundaries, especially when you are young. I finally moved 8+ hours away from home. It has been great every since. If they want to make the drive to my house - that is fine.

You do need to set boundaries and this is a perfect time to start. First off, your mothers happiness is not your responsibility. In fact, your mom won't be happy whether you come visit her or not. If you do go, she will complain and complain. If you don't go, she will complain and complain. So why try? Let her know she is welcome to come to your house this year as that is where you will be spending Christmas. 

So - stop trying to fix your mom, you can't. Stop trying to make things better, you can't. Stop taking on all the responsibility and guilt, that is not fair to you or your SO. 

Let go and be free. The first step to this is to give back the responsibility of your moms life and happiness to her. If she stays home alone this Christmas, that is HER choice. If she is unhappy, that is HER choice.


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