# How do newlyweds get past infidelity to build strong marriage?



## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

My wife cheated on me 2 months before we were married and I found out about it after the wedding. How do I get past the infidelity, and it's more than just her cheating, to be able to trust and love her again to build a strong, close and loving marriage? At this point I'm still very stuck mentally on her infidelity with the OM, I can not seem to get it out of my head. She denied for 5 months, threatened to leave me, called me a bad person for questioning her faithfulness, then admitted to it. I'm more upset that she lied to me about it than the cheating. How can I get past this, what are some techniques that you all have used to get over this road block. We have been married 4 months and she is pregnant, there is a good chance the baby is the result of the affair. How do I approach a possible divorce/paternity test to validate the marriage?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Biscuits said:


> My wife cheated on me 2 months before we were married and I found out about it after the wedding. How do I get past the infidelity, and it's more than just her cheating, to be able to trust and love her again to build a strong, close and loving marriage? At this point I'm still very stuck mentally on her infidelity with the OM, I can not seem to get it out of my head. She denied for 5 months, threatened to leave me, called me a bad person for questioning her faithfulness, then admitted to it. I'm more upset that she lied to me about it than the cheating. How can I get past this, what are some techniques that you all have used to get over this road block. We have been married 4 months and she is pregnant, there is a good chance the baby is the result of the affair. How do I approach a possible divorce/paternity test to validate the marriage?


Call me jaded but why that early in your marriage would you want to work on it or get past it? You've been given a gift dude. No kids, just married. Run before you waste more of your life.

Marriage doesn't fix problems, it amplifies them. Whatever crazy sh*t she did before will only happen again or get worse after a few years.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

I think if she will cheat on you two months before the wedding, she will have absolutely no problem cheating on you again, and again, and again. You both should have been in the "Just about Married/Honeymoon" stage.

As much as it hurts, COguy is right. Why would you want to work on it if she can't even get through the wedding before jumping in bed with someone else.

There are millions of great women out there, don't settle for one who has such little respect for you.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> My wife cheated on me 2 months before we were married and I found out about it after the wedding. How do I get past the infidelity, and it's more than just her cheating, to be able to trust and love her again to build a strong, close and loving marriage? At this point I'm still very stuck mentally on her infidelity with the OM, I can not seem to get it out of my head. She denied for 5 months, threatened to leave me, called me a bad person for questioning her faithfulness, then admitted to it. I'm more upset that she lied to me about it than the cheating. How can I get past this, what are some techniques that you all have used to get over this road block. We have been married 4 months and she is pregnant, there is a good chance the baby is the result of the affair. How do I approach a possible divorce/paternity test to validate the marriage?


Ask for a paternity test. Get one. If it comes back that the child is yours then go from there. One hurdle at a time.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dang I missed there was a baby in the picture. OH yeah a paternity test is definately a must.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

My first wife did the same thing to me. I found out about it and started cheating with every woman I could find. It didn't help the problems at all. We ended up divorcing because I couldn't get over these issues. I was 23 at the time. I am now 42 and married for a second time.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...

While she was wearing your engagement ring, she jumped into bed with a stud and he planted his own little sapling in her belly.

And you want to know how to make things BETTER?

They aren't going to be better. They are going to be bitter.

Do you really want the rest of your life to be like that?


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Really, dude? Your wife was banging someone else while engaged to you, is now pregnant and you're still there trying to see if things can work itself out? Take a get ready pill because she will be doing this again and again if you fail to act now; can you say cuckhold? 

Get a paternity test, then get a lawyer. There are plenty of women out there who won't look for other guys to sleep with two months before marrying them.

Do not walk; run. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.00.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

As others have stated, I do not believe that this marriage can be saved, should be saved or is even worth saving.

I would immediately get a lawyer and start working on getting the order in place for a paternity test.

I am so sorry you are in this position but she doesn't deserve a loving husband and you certainly do not deserve this. Move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Annulment, perhaps?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

OP has not come back to his own post. But if he does...

He should find a way to annul the marriage immediately. Or, failing that, start the divorce action now.

Have a paternity test done in vitro or after the baby is born.

He should not get stuck with raising another man's child for the next 18 to 23 years.

And why continue with a marriage that started with an affair at the very beginning? He'll have decades of sh!t to deal with just from the affair of his wife.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> My wife cheated on me 2 months before we were married and I found out about it after the wedding. How do I get past the infidelity, and it's more than just her cheating, to be able to trust and love her again to build a strong, close and loving marriage? At this point I'm still very stuck mentally on her infidelity with the OM, I can not seem to get it out of my head. She denied for 5 months, threatened to leave me, called me a bad person for questioning her faithfulness, then admitted to it. I'm more upset that she lied to me about it than the cheating. How can I get past this, what are some techniques that you all have used to get over this road block. We have been married 4 months and she is pregnant, there is a good chance the baby is the result of the affair. How do I approach a possible divorce/paternity test to validate the marriage?


I was married for only 14 months before we separated. I felt like the biggest failure and loser even though I knew she was not meant to be married to me. Too many compromises on my part to make the marriage work and she was WAY too controlling. Essentially she was not a partner that I had come to hope for in a spouse.

Some of it was my fault and looking back I wish I had handled things differently. But in talking with my therapist and hearing from other people, I'm thankful that it ended when it did. There's no way I could have kept her happy long term and speaks volumes that her longest relationship was less than a year. It cost me a bundle of money for that short duration but to live a life of what I was living (walking on egg shells), it's worth knowing that I can move on, be single and smile again. 

Given what time you have invested, I would agree with others that you can try the 180 and see what happens or simply move on. I believe given her lack of remorse and denial, she's not likely to change. Having been married to a woman who would deny everything and then when cornered, turned it around on me, it's not your battle to make her change. Only she can do that. And unfortunately it doesn't sound like she wants to.

Prayers to you as I know it's a difficult time to be going through. But it does get better and now you have time to work on yourself and not focus in on her. But it does get better...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

If the pregnancy is the result of the affair,she must have already known when she was saying her vows to you.How does she explain that away? Are you her fall back because the OM knows and doesn't want any part of parenthood?Would you have married her had you have known? You don't have any moral marital obligations to her imo as she married you under false pretenses.What else is she capable of doing? Sorry you're here,but I'd get the test done asap.As far as saving your marriage....what are you prepared to accept? Good luck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Biscuits said:


> what are some techniques that you all have used to get over this road block.


Running.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Running.


Sorry but I had to laugh at this comment. Brace yourself.

It only gets worse. You live like a detective for a long time, checking to see whether or not she is where she says she is or she has done what she said she has gone to do. You live in fear, constantly trying to find evidence, enough evidence to give you enough for a confrontation.
You become worried because since you have no kids, she will have luncheons with coworkers, have GNO with friends, go over for sleep overs and you finally get your evidence 5 years, 10 years, 20 years later. Then what? Then it gets worse, you have to get her to realize her erroneous actions throughout all those years and work on her withdrawal from this habit and corruptible lifestyle to kill this long lived addiction.

What may happen in your case is, she lied, she gas lit you, she denied, and then she finally admitted. Now, who is to say that she meets someone from her past (OM) and starts an innocent conversation on FB (facebook), catching up, then it is directed to how much you suck as a hubby and how you ruined her fun before marriage and she never felt like she had fun. Then she starts noticing more on all your faults and brings an ability to meet the other man and justifies it with innocent friendly chat because she is entitled to having her own set of friends, even those of the opposite sex to chat away freely into any topic.
Typical EA, your spouse is deep in the fog at this point. Your spouse hides her phone, deletes texts/emails/chat logs to cover tracks, why do so if it is so innocent? Well obviously because they are "entitled" to privacy, they don't want full transparency because they need their private time and space.

Then it creeps further, slowly, and yes surely. Compliments become more frequent, hypothetical questions arise in the chat, flirting, the OM or your spouse starts testing the waters to see how far this could go. The next thing you know your spouse has made out with the OM, a little back track for a day or two, both realizing that they might have made a mistake but then realize that its not a mistake because they are truly attracted and probably in love with each other.

Since most men generally like sex, she will think they are in love, but in reality that man probably has other sources for sex, and is using your spouse. Every BS is almost always behind, they find out after the fact that it becomes physical, rarely does it end in the EA stages. 

So now that you have your evidence, months, years, decades later you confront. You are blamed, you are a horrible husband, neglectful, full of faults. She needs space, and you try to beg her to stay, beg her to stop, and buy her gifts, and tell her you love her and you rush to trust her, you want and need her. Completely opposite of what you need to be doing, yet you come on here to get advice to help you cope expecting for a magic solution while you still remain in your OWN fog unable to think clearly because you are still having sexual relations with your wife, getting the crumbs from the OM she is with.

You post your thread here and are given the cheaters script and manual, which states what will most LIKELY happen, and what you need in order for D (divorce) or R (reconciliation). When you remove yourself from the emotion and start using your BRAIN to judge and think logically, with your "gut", you decide. You have the evidence, you have the history, you have the present situation that her actions do not portray her words, and her actions are not of love but of deceit and indifference. Don't look back, DECIDE, if you can always change your mind once you have moved on when she is on her knees begging for you and changing from one day to the next ready to battle and rebuild the love she decided to give to OM and rebuild the trust she once had from you in order to fully rebuild the marriage because you CANNOT rug sweep this. You can always take her back but you must do so with the proper PREREQUISITES for R, rebuilding trust and marriage after infidelity is much more difficult than leaving and moving on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Annulment, perhaps?


Just the first word - no perhaps about it. Especially if the way you described her initial reaction was accurate. WOW - the gall - threatened to leave you? You shoulda gone for it immediately!


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Wait a minute, Biscuits. Yours is the wife that deliberately created a fight with you, to use as an excuse to run to a hotel with her ex, right? I remember your threads.

The only way _any_ couple gets over a betrayal is if the cheater (your *wife* in this case), does the heavy lifting and fixes the marriage she broke. She needs to be completely transparent with you, she needs to be completely honest with you, she needs to restore your trust in her, and _most importantly_, she needs to show remorse for what she's done. More than just saying "I'm sorry," she needs to show genuine regret and shame for what she did and what she put you through.

Has she done this? _Any_ of this? I suspect she hasn't. I suspect she hasn't even _tried_, based on what I remember from your earlier posts.

To be honest, I don't understand what you want, Biscuits. You've made several threads about your situation, and it seems that in every one you start from square one. You literally start from the beginning all over again. I don't know if it's because you haven't moved past this point, or if it's because you are trying to get a different audience with each new thread, in hopes of getting different advice. 

Do you want us to tell you to stick around and endure the emotional abuse and humiliation your wife will torment you with _now_ and _throughout_ your marriage? To raise the potential bastard as your own and be a "good man?" Maybe let bygones be bygones, 'cuz your wife "[email protected] it up" is in the past?

Do you want advice? Or do you want us to justify your excuses and blatant _refusal_ to dump this unloving slattern?

How a newlywed gets past infidelity, you ask? Well, you don't _reward_ a cheater with _marriage_, first of all. But failing that, you run the hell away. They clearly aren't marriage material. Find someone who is.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey, biscuits. We're all going to give you the same advice, because we're on the outside looking in, and can see that this is some toxic sh*t. Any even though we're strangers on the Internet, as a fellow betrayed spouse, we care about you. We've lived this pain. Please listen to what folks are telling you -- LEAVE HER. Lawyer up and get out. There's no putting lipstick on this pig and calling it reconciliation. Not. Gonna. Happen.

I found out 6 months after my marriage to a cheater. And yeah, found out later, he'd been unfaithful from Day One and I had NO IDEA. 

I'm years out -- I'm telling you because I lived it, this is a gift htat you found out now. Save yourself. Get a paternity test, and if the kid is yours, figure out custody, but do not stay married to this woman. Your love won't make her a good person. 

Check out my blog, what not to do, might help. But please realize that you are GRIEVING what you thought your life would be -- marriage, fatherhood, all of it. You're not in your right mind when grieving. So while you might be in the bargaining stage of grief (can I save this?!) it's going to pass, you need to think with your head and be kind to yourself.

It's especially horrific because you're grieving what just began. I know that pain. But please get out before you invest any more of yourself.

Big (((hugs)).


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with Pit & MattMatt

Run/anullment.

Good luck
WD


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> How do I approach a possible divorce/paternity test to validate the marriage?


Not sure what a paternity test will do to validate your marriage, it's about as much of a farce as you can possibly get.

As far as approaching the subject? She cheated on you and it's likely the kid ain't yours.

Demand she get a paternity test. If she refuses, you've got no other option but to play the D card and refuse to accept the child as yours until and unless a court decides you're responsible for it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Biscuit, please see below for the advice that I gave you several weeks ago. (BTW, I thought you were through with this woman.)



Count of Monte Cristo said:


> You can divorce her. Whether or not the baby's yours should not be a factor in getting rid of your cake eating wife. Here are your options:
> 
> 1) Divorce her and the baby is yours. You will still be a part of the child's life.
> 
> ...


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## michelle1121 (Sep 21, 2012)

I found out that my fiance cheated on me just a couple months before our wedding with his ex-fiance. I followed through witht he wedding, but it has been the hardest thing to get over. I'm not sure if I'll ever really trust him again. We were planning a wedding, and he was lying and cheating. I've thought about therapy.. maybe that could help you if you love her enough to work it out.

Definitely find out if the child is yours...


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