# Men Only Respond Please



## mystruggle (Feb 13, 2012)

Ok men, I will keep this short. I need your honest feed back. I feel my husband is stringing me along. We have been married over 10 years. He has cheated on me in the past i saw the signs and ignored them. Then i called the woman of the affair so i thought it ended. He said he wanted to be home with me and at that time we only had 2 kids. I didn't make him sleep in the guest room nothing just forgave. 


Years later i didn't ingore the signs i still took it for a while i got tired of the not coming home for days. (he was only home 3 days out of the week) When he came home wanted to have sex and i would not. I packed up me and our 3 girls and left. This time he apologized again but i needed to give it time this time to make sure he wanted to be home. 

He then moved in with other woman and has been with her for 8 months now. I did give in to emtions and acted out of character to get him to come home. He in returned said i caused this on myself for leaving. I later found out it was the same woman as before they kept in contact with each other.

Our relationship since has gone through alot of turns he claims he is in love with this woman and we should have never gotten married. He said she takes care of all his needs. For what i can see she buys him what ever he wants and doesn't deny him anything. Nor does he have to pay any bills. I know the kind of man my husband is so i know he is paying something. 

He does tell me when they go out of town, makes remarks about what they do. He said he is not trying to hurt me but i feel that he is slapping me in the face. We were still sleeping together i will not sleep with someone else while i am married. We can file in 4 month. When i question him about filling he claims he hasn't thought about but he has told her that he is processing with the divorce because he wants to be with her. He just will not tell me that. They have from what he says discussed them having the girls over the what he calls their home. That was one of my issue at the very beginning of this realtion they were already making plans with our kids. 


I do love my husband and didn't want to leave but didn't want the disrespect to continure. He still comes over and spends time with the girls and to them we are still a family and we act like it when we are together. 

He won't spend the night for he said it would disrepect the woman he is with-that p****ied me off because he had no problem disrespecting me. He tells me he is still hurting over what happend and what he is doing is not easy for him.


He has a woman that he lives with not ties no kids but also the a family at another home. 


What do you think , Am I on point? Do you have any questions?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You should be happy to see the last of this guy in your rearview.Get everything you can get for you and your kids.The guy is a cake-eater.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may still love him but her certainly doesn't love you. Let him go so that you can heal and rebuild your life. You certainly deserve a lot better than this and you know it.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Don't know what to tell you other than that you deserve better. We all do.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

You've put up with it long enough. He's immature, not a man. Just feel sorry for the OW that she now has to deal with his bulls***
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

Get the paperwork filed sooner, rather than later. What questions do you have? Are you looking for confirmation that he's a two-timing looser and a jerk? He is. You deserve better.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Cake eater BIG TIME! and sounds like your giving him seconds, woman up on his ass, do a 180, pay no attention to him, act like you dont care and discuss nothing with him except your kids, maybe you should start the divorce paper work, make sure you go for child support etc, he told you he his hurting over this, make his wallet hurt...

He is slapping you in the face and you are letting him do it over and over....sorry to be blunt.

You can do way better!!!!!!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Move on and quickly. He is not a good role model for your kids and you deserve better. Stand up straight, get resolved to get things done. You do the filing do not count on him for anything. Get yourself into IC if you are not already. 

Show your kids what a strong an moral woman you area and move on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Don't know what to tell you other than that you deserve better. We all do.


You are married to a selfish little boy, and in no way is he a man. A man stays true to his family and wife.

It is tme for you to show him the hard reality that he needs to be supporting his children emotionally and financially.

Get yourself a very good shark lawyer and go after this little boy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mystruggle (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks for all you whom have responded. I have been feeding into the you caused this speak that he has been given. That and the fact of how long we have been together. Trying to find something worth fight for.


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Time to move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Good men don't put their wives through hell. Good men don't harm their children by embarrassing them like this. Your husband isn't a good man. You probably thought he was. You were wrong.

So file for divorce ASAP. Run the 180 and emotionally detach from him. By the time the papers are filed, you should feel nothing but relief.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

This is awful. Dean makes a good point about teaching your kids what this is all supposed to look like.

None of us know you but we all know you deserve better.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You are providing him Emotional support and he is not having to live up to his actions. He has acted as that he is not married to you but is using you for emotional support.

Need to break it off. He does not want the duties therefore he does not get the support.

File the Divorce Papers and do the 180.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

mystruggle said:


> Thanks for all you whom have responded. I have been feeding into the you caused this speak that he has been given.
> 
> Bull. He is 100% responsible for his affair.
> 
> ...


Kick him to the curb. There are 3.2 billion men out there. You can find one out of that sizeable population who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your husband in name only is not someone who will do that, as proven repeatedly by his actions.

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go see a lawyer. Ditch the loser as fast as you can so he doesn't steal any more of your life than necessary.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

This guy reminds me of the story of Pinnochio on Donkey Island; he wants to have his fun at no cost. But like Pinnochio, he's a jackass. By the time he realizes that, if he ever does, he should be just a speck in your rearview mirror.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Stop calling him your husband.

He's not. He's the other woman's husband now.

And stop sleeping with him if you haven't already.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Go see an attorney.
3. Get into counseling. You need to heal and find ways to move on and detach yourself from this guy.

I am typically pro-marriage and pro-R but in your case you need to move on.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

The only way this man would be happy is if you relented and joined his harem. He is not capable of being monogamous. Move on and find someone who will love you and stay committed to you.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Its amazing how much our emotions cloud our judgment.

OP if you could, it's hard, but try to imagine and take yourself out of the picture for a minute and imagine reading your post as if you were a third person.

Imagine if it was your sister or a good friend coming to you with this dilemma, what advice would you give them? Take the kids, emotions, and history out of it. Ask yourself are you proud to be someone's door mat? or their second choice?

He is a slime ball, and you're empowering him to keep going.

Right now you have no self respect, so how can you expect him to respect you?

Start respecting yourself and others will too.

You have to end it, make him take his stuff and move in with the OW, file now and don't delay. KICK HIM OUT!

The sooner you start moving on the faster you'll heal, it may not be today or tomorrow but you will get over it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I see no hope at all. He is stringing you along. Do not believe anything he says.

Get yourself the best lawyer you can find - NOW.

Most states are no fault now. BUT judges tend to take into account the abandonment of children by a spouse when it comes to the final settlement. If he is spending time out of the home for days at a time you need to document everything.

LAWYER, LAWYER, AND LAWYER.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Explain to me how it is that you LOVE your H.

Do you have one OUNCE of self respect for YOURSELF

With what this H. of yours that you love so much, has done,----how do you do that---I ain't understanding------Do you love him cuz you still live off of his paycheck, you certainly can't love him for what he has done/is continuing to do to you, and what he will now put his own flesh and blood kids thru!!

So splain to me how do you love this H. of yours----then try looking in the mirror----what do you actually see?????


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Oh geez I don't know where to start. This man has no morals or honor. Your husband is taking advantage of you because you're way too nice. He sounds like a classic manipulator who uses blame shifting to guilt you into taking him back whenever it suits him. He's stringing you along for financial reasons because divorces are expensive and a divorce will cramp his style. You should never allow anyone to treat you this way. You need to begin protecting yourself and your children. Be strong and remember that you deserve better.


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## mystruggle (Feb 13, 2012)

Thanks for all your comments. I loved my husband unconditionally never asked him to change who he was. Not to say I love the things he has done or making excues for him. I know what all of you are saying is true. I have stopped sleeping with him but only did because he is my husband and I will not sleep with another man while I am still married. I will just do without til it's done. He has had me in a fog to say the least because he knows how guilty I feel for leaving. I felt like I tore down my family and should have tried something or forced him to come home. One of our arguments have been the fact that I didn't. He feels me not saying anything and letting it go showed him that I didn't love him and didn't care. I told him you knew where home was and I should not hv had to tell you to come home or force you. 

Despite everything I was home I could hv done the same thing but chose to stay I told him you chose what you wanted to do. And then of course I started think well did my not responding actions really make him feel that way. So you see he has an answer for everything but everything is on me. One of our daughters always ask him when he is coming home and he tells her not to ask him that. All of our girls love there father I feel like by leaving I kept them for having there mother and father in same house. My husbands knows I am not a cheater so I will not do anything. I don't go out never did i am a home body person just go to work , go to school and spend time with my girls. He pops in and out of where me and girls moved to anytime he wants. He see the girls mostly twice a week he spends time with them while I am at school. His Saturday's and Sunday's he spends with the other woman for he feels because of their work schedules that is their time together. For the most part my mind plays the what if I had have done this is or that this I am trying to gain control of. My grades hv fallen and when i get home i just want to sleep but my girls keep me busy. Once they are out i normally can't get my focus on homework so i turn in myself.Thanks again guys,your responses are much appreciated.
,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been making it far too easy for your husband. Why would he make a choice when he can keep two women on a string and his children? He has not filed for divorce because there is no need for him to file for divorce. He has what he wants, both you and the OW.

Look at the 180 in my signature block below. This is how you need to be treating him from now on. He does not deserve anything from you. The 180 will also allow you to start to heal and feel stronger. It sounds like you desperately need this.

Have you exposed his affair to anyone? Do his parents know? Your parents? The other woman’s family? IF there I anyone who does not know tell them. This is an essential part of breaking up an affair. Affairs do not survive the exposure. There is almost no chance that this affair will survive long once she has to meet all of your husband’s emotional needs. Right now you are still meeting some portion of them. Once the pressure is put on her, she will feel smothered by him and the affair will most likely end. 

Right now the affair is mostly a weekend thing. Well you husband needs to step up to the plate as a father and start taking the children every other weekend and a day or so during each week. The OW will not like it much when he has children to care for and you are no longer his week-end long babysitter.

As many others have said, you should file for divorce now. He does not expect it. But once you file his world will change. He will not be able to see the children when it’s convenient for him. He will have a schedule and he will only be able to see them during his scheduled time. You will have your own life and he will not be able to use you for all the things he uses you for. He will have to pay you child support. Depending on how much each of you earn he might also have to pay you interim spousal support… that’s the support he pays until your divorce is final.

If you feel you do not have the money for a divorce either apply for legal aid or ask the attorney to ask the judge to order that your legal fees are paid out of community assets.

I realize that you love him and do not want to be the one who files. But by not filing you continue to enable the affair. Remember that a divorce can be stopped any time before it is final.
Do the two of you have a joint account or are your finances all separate now?


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

I am a man and a marriage counselor for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO I have to say this sounds pretty typical where there's an affair and the spouse is quick to forgive without requiring any consequences from the other spouse. Sure enough, after a while an affair happens again. Don't blame yourself. He's the one having the affair. 

IT seems that your husband is dragging you a long, but that's not his intent. He simply is only thinking about himself. He gets the sex, excitement, etc. from the OW but also gets to feel the deeper joy, happiness, etc. from having a family. He likes it this way. Can you blame him? And the double bonus for him is that he gets to have no responsibility in either relationship. Like I said before, he is dragging you a long but he doesn't do it to be a jerk to you. He isn't even thinking of you. He's only thinking of himself. 

Do what you should have done when the affair first started and hold him responsible for the affair. You can do this by limiting his time with you, making him pay his share of the bills, etc. and demanding complete transparency. Without doing this, you are enabling him by keeping him from feeling the consequences of his actions.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry to say he is disrespecting you. And that too for a long time.

It would be better for you to get rid of him. Why should you contonue inthe relaionship that is hurting you?

You say you know him that he pays for some bills. He is also behaving well with your children. How is he behaving badly with you? Did you make efforts to find out?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to live your life-----No one is saying to go out and date---and you may not want to be a 3rd wheel with friends---but you can't just stop your life----school and home, school and home---stay in bed----that is not a life

Take your girls out, do things with them, do things for yourself----there are things you must be interested in---pursue them

You can't control your H., you can't force him to do anything---but you do control what you do, and it is time you got yourself up, and faced the world, and stood tall, showing your H., you DO NOT NEED HIM, if that is what it is gonna come down to,


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mystruggle said:


> Thanks for all your comments. I loved my husband unconditionally never asked him to change who he was. Not to say I love the things he has done or making excues for him. I know what all of you are saying is true. I have stopped sleeping with him but only did because he is my husband and I will not sleep with another man while I am still married. I will just do without til it's done. He has had me in a fog to say the least because he knows how guilty I feel for leaving. I felt like I tore down my family and should have tried something or forced him to come home. One of our arguments have been the fact that I didn't. He feels me not saying anything and letting it go showed him that I didn't love him and didn't care. I told him you knew where home was and I should not hv had to tell you to come home or force you.
> 
> Despite everything I was home I could hv done the same thing but chose to stay I told him you chose what you wanted to do. And then of course I started think well did my not responding actions really make him feel that way. So you see he has an answer for everything but everything is on me. One of our daughters always ask him when he is coming home and he tells her not to ask him that. All of our girls love there father I feel like by leaving I kept them for having there mother and father in same house. My husbands knows I am not a cheater so I will not do anything. I don't go out never did i am a home body person just go to work , go to school and spend time with my girls. He pops in and out of where me and girls moved to anytime he wants. He see the girls mostly twice a week he spends time with them while I am at school. His Saturday's and Sunday's he spends with the other woman for he feels because of their work schedules that is their time together. For the most part my mind plays the what if I had have done this is or that this I am trying to gain control of. My grades hv fallen and when i get home i just want to sleep but my girls keep me busy. Once they are out i normally can't get my focus on homework so i turn in myself.Thanks again guys,your responses are much appreciated.
> ,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bless you. These things are never easy and believe it or not we all start out almost totally naïve and ignorant of these things. We learn as we go along and the good folks here are excellent teachers, guides and coaches. Most importantly their hearts and motivations are in exactly the right places.



When your H blames you for his behaviour what he is doing is scapegoating, take a look at Scapegoating - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.


It’s the ego defence mechanism of a five year old child who hasn’t as yet been taught personal responsibility with a good set of moralities and a healthy conscience. At his age now, he’ll never get those things unless he suffers an enormous calamity and trauma caused by his own behaviour. Even then there is no guarantee. Some people just never become self aware and wake-up.


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## mystruggle (Feb 13, 2012)

Have you exposed his affair to anyone? Do his parents know? Your parents? The other woman’s family? 

Do the two of you have a joint account or are your finances all separate now?[/QUOTE]

His family and friends know of this affair he and the OW hv been living together for 8 months now. His family believes that since i left he was in the right to find someone to make him happy. They felt like i abandon him. They feel i should have stayed. This is funny to me because two of his family members were married now divorced because there husbands cheat and it hurt them like hell. However the case maybe they feel he should move on with his life and be happy with this woman. Because of me leaving and my abandment she took him in and took care of him. This told him and them (from what i was told her showing him unconditional love-while asking him for nothing in return) They don't get he was not home most of the time because he was at her house. When i packed up me and the girls most of his cloths where not there so he was planning to leave anyway i think i just done it before he was able. But because i done it first he feel justifed because he claimed i left him. We don't have joint anything. joint accounts didn't work well for us. 


i have the girls all time like i said before he only comes to the place i have for me and the girls to spend time with them on the nights i have school. His makes sure he is spending as much time with the OW as possible.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Ditto


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## mystruggle (Feb 13, 2012)

river rat said:


> Ditto


Hey river rat what do u mean my ditto. Do u feel I abandon my husband as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mystruggle (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Have you exposed his affair to anyone? Do his parents know? Your parents?
> 
> Elegirl I don't know any of the ow family but he has gone on a family trip with her entire family already and I am sure they didn't say he was married. To her family she has a good man in her life and the ow just thinks he married the wrong woman. She feels their love is true love and she will never leave him the way I did. Of course he made me out to be the worse wife ever. As I stated beforeout of my hurt and pain I acted out of character so I also probably came across off that I was not a good women for him. Per him she made the comment that she would never act the way I did under no circumstances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

mystruggle said:


> Per him she made the comment that she would never act the way I did under no circumstances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's revisit that question when she is the one he is cheating on, rather than with. She may feel differently.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

mystruggle said:


> He won't spend the night for he said it would disrepect the woman he is with-that p****ied me off because he had no problem disrespecting me. He tells me he is still hurting over what happend and what he is doing is not easy for him.


What else really needs to be said?

His priorities are:

1. him (his poor feelings!)
2. the other woman
3-27.
28. you

at least you can make an informed decision based on the truth about where he stands.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Mystruggle, please excuse my vague reference. By "Ditto" I meant to mirror the previous posters, who all believe that you have suffered enough abuse from this man. I wish you well.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

MyStruggle - this is very hard, I know you are hurting.

Try your best to step back and detach your personal feelings from this situation. What would advise your little girls to do if they were facing this situation?

Children learn from the behavior of their parents. Right now, you are modeling a woman who is like the Timex watch of abused spouses. As hard as it is, you MUST stop the insanity. 

Call in your support system. "Out" your husband, but don't make a big production of it - it is a waste of time and you have more important things to do. 

You need to fix yourself and take care of your girls. Be cordial but tough in the divorce - he needs to take responsibility for the family he created. Get a therapist and work thru your issues, starting with why you would allow anyone to treat you this way.


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