# My wife severely dislikes my daughter...HELP!!!



## At wits end

Ok, this is hard for me to explain but I will try to do my best.
My first marriage started 16 years ago and produced one child whom is currently with me and my new wife. My first marriage was utter hell, she was an abusive alcoholic and I was a complete idiot thinking that some day she may change! Anyway, I came to my senses after 5 years of staying in it for the kids. She had a daughter from a previous relationship. So, I know what it is like to be a step-parent ...Its not easy! So, long story short, it a couple of years later and I have divorced my first wife and the youngest daughter is staying between us ...mostly with me because she wants to be with me. I meet my current wife and we hit it off well and decide to get married...she loves my daughter and my daughter loves her. She gets pregnant and have another girl and everything seems to be going ok. Then,we decide to move back to her hometown in Asia because things are getting tight in the US and I manage to get custody of my daughter so we bring her to Asia as well. All is going well until my wife starts getting jealous of the attention I give my daughter. I think maybe I have not been paying enough attention to her so I try and balance things out a bit between the 3 of them. My wife then starts making off the cuff comments about my daughter and paying more attention to our daughter and paying less attention to the step daughter. By this time I am busy with trying to start a new business and very stressed with living in a new country and try to deal with things the best I can and don't really realize that there is this void forming between wife and daughter one. 
Anyway...to cut to the chase, it is ten years we have been married now and it has come to the point where my wife wants nothing to do with my daughter anymore at all. She has basically dis owned her as a step child. This as you can imagine has been the cause of many fights and disagreements. She will not do anything at all for her. She will still cook the meals for the family but if they are alone for lunch she will only cook for the youngest and let the oldest get her own. She basically has stated that she will take absolutely no responsibility for her at all. My kids go to the same school and if the oldest is even a minute late getting out of class , my wife will leave her there and return home with the youngest. She will do everything for the youngest but nothing for the oldest. She has also stated to me that we could have a very happy marriage if the oldest was not around. and that I should send her back and let her mother take care of her. Like I am stupid enough to do send her back to an abusive drunk. My wife has admitted she has a problem but refuses to do anything about it. She has the attitude that she should just be able to act this way and nobody should say anything.She will talk to my youngest in her native tongue and make comments about her sister to her, she does things like leaving her sister at school and does not even seem to care about what kind of example she is setting for the youngest. we cannot talk about anything to do with this situation without a major argument no matter how hard I try. I have always been the kind of person who tries to TALK things out and get to the heart of the problem rationally, but it is difficult when someone else can only get angry and fight and say nasty things.

I have so many more things I want to write, but my mind is just a mess right now. I am so stressed with this situation that I cannot even think straight anymore. I have an email that was written by my wife to me a while back that may be able to shed some more light on her attitude about this. I will try to post after I edit it first .


PLEASE HELP!!


----------



## Ladybugs

ok,..ok, I read enogh..

I got as far as your wife will only cook for the one daughter is they are alone, but not for the step daughter...that's as far as I need to read...when I got to that part, as a parent myself, I said "that's not happening to MY daughter..no, no..time to leave..."

there are somethings that are just too cruel, too abusive..singling out your daughter and not cooking for her. Really try to think how harmful this is, what kind of effect thats having on her..she's an outsider in her own home, hated by this evil, yes I said evil, woman, who will not feed her but feeds the other daughter

sorry but if i was living w anyone and they treated my duaghter in such a cruel manner it would be time to start packing imo..how can your daughter ever grow into a person who feels loved and valued..yes you love her but if you daily leave her in the care of such a woman, think what message that sends..
sorry, that is just too cruel..


----------



## Ladybugs

i went back and read rest of post...talks to younger daughter in other language in front of stepdaughter, says cruel things about her, leaves her at school, etc.etc


ok, now I am to be honest getting mad at you for letting your precious daughter be in such a cruelly abusive situation. its putting her at risk for a bunch of stuff that teens can fall into- hopelessness, depression, acting out, druguse/ drinking, suicidal thoughts/actions, 


my advice? 
*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
GET DAUGHTER OUT OF THERE*

if you love her, dont let your daughter stay there another minute. your sacrificing her for this woman who goes out of her way to be so cruel...i would be very concerned if she is left in that environment, about the mental effect its having on her and the posibility of serious depression, falling into despair, drug use, stuff that teens are vulnerable to especially if they're abused..even possibility of suicide. I've never said anything like this on these boards, but thats how dangerous it is for her to remain there

it does not matter about the email from your wife and how it might 'shed light' on this...there is no explanation or excuse for her abusing your daughter this way..why do you wonder what to do about this? the only thing you can and need to do is simply take your daughter, and leave...period...


----------



## Syrum

I feel so bad for your daughter an alcoholic mother, and now an abusive step mother.

 Your daughter needs you to step and not allow this to happen to her. She is in a powerless position.

I would do anything to protect my child from this type of abuse.

I really think you should tell your wife is she does not stop the abuse right now and go to counseling that you will leave. and mean it.


----------



## SadieBrown

Ladybugs said:


> ok,..ok, I read enogh..
> 
> I got as far as your wife will only cook for the one daughter is they are alone, but not for the step daughter...that's as far as I need to read...when I got to that part, as a parent myself, I said "that's not happening to MY daughter..no, no..time to leave..."
> 
> there are somethings that are just too cruel, too abusive..singling out your daughter and not cooking for her. Really try to think how harmful this is, what kind of effect thats having on her..she's an outsider in her own home, hated by this evil, yes I said evil, woman, who will not feed her but feeds the other daughter
> 
> sorry but if i was living w anyone and they treated my duaghter in such a cruel manner it would be time to start packing imo..how can your daughter ever grow into a person who feels loved and valued..yes you love her but if you daily leave her in the care of such a woman, think what message that sends..
> sorry, that is just too cruel..


:iagree::iagree:



Ladybugs said:


> i went back and read rest of post...talks to younger daughter in other language in front of stepdaughter, says cruel things about her, leaves her at school, etc.etc
> 
> 
> ok, now I am to be honest getting mad at you for letting your precious daughter be in such a cruelly abusive situation. its putting her at risk for a bunch of stuff that teens can fall into- hopelessness, depression, acting out, druguse/ drinking, suicidal thoughts/actions,
> 
> 
> my advice?
> *
> WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
> GET DAUGHTER OUT OF THERE*
> 
> if you love her, dont let your daughter stay there another minute. your sacrificing her for this woman who goes out of her way to be so cruel...i would be very concerned if she is left in that environment, about the mental effect its having on her and the posibility of serious depression, falling into despair, drug use, stuff that teens are vulnerable to especially if they're abused..even possibility of suicide. I've never said anything like this on these boards, but thats how dangerous it is for her to remain there
> 
> it does not matter about the email from your wife and how it might 'shed light' on this...there is no explanation or excuse for her abusing your daughter this way..why do you wonder what to do about this? the only thing you can and need to do is simply take your daughter, and leave...period...


:iagree::iagree:



Syrum said:


> I feel so bad for your daughter an alcoholic mother, and now an abusive step mother.
> 
> Your daughter needs you to step and not allow this to happen to her. She is in a powerless position.
> 
> I would do anything to protect my child from this type of abuse.
> 
> I really think you should tell your wife is she does not stop the abuse right now and go to counseling that you will leave. and mean it.


:iagree::iagree:


You are allowing your daughter to be abused.

I agree with Ladybugs about the email from your wife. I don't care what it says, nothing can excuse this behavior.

In the last few days I have responded to three different threads (and read more) where a parent was staying with a wife/girlfriend/husband who was abusing their child. Why would any parent stay with a person who is abusing their child??? Will someone please explain it to me because I truly don't understand.


----------



## At wits end

Wow,

Thank you for such quick responses, I know that I should end this as I have made several attempts to try to solve the situation with no luck.

Let me explain a couple of more things to give you a better picture of things....not that you need it, but it might help to understand how stuck I am.

My wife is not working now, she has been trying to find work here where I am but with no luck. I relocated for a job 3 years ago and was in this location for a year alone.. the kids and her stayed back in her hometown. After a year, she quit her job there and moved here with the kids so we could be together. I dont think things were as bad as they are now while I was alone here, but I have to give her the credit for taking care of the kids alone and working too while I was here for the year. Things have only gotten really bad in the last 6 months or so. Not trying to ignore the problems in the past but they were always manageable...but they are really starting to get out of hand now.

So, It has been said that I should just pack up and leave, which I tend to agree but it is not so easy. I am attached here for my work and my housing is provided. So it is not like I can go anywhere! 
I have gotten mad before and told her that she has to leave because of the way she is acting and she refused and got even more mad and told me how dare I throw her out with no money...how is she supposed to support our youngest! She refuses to leave basically...so , other than throwing her out physically how am I supposed to do it. 
She has made plans to go back to her hometown and work, which would get her out of the house, but she will be taking our youngest with her. Which kills me as well. I know eventually I am going to have to face this reality that I may be separated from her, but I cant even bear the thought of it. 
Both my girls are Angels, yes the oldest is a typical teenager and does the things teens do...but not to the extent that some do ...I would say for a teen, she is fantastic...only a few problems here and there... the occasional lie and taking things without asking, but for my wife it is the end of the world if she does not pick up a dish or clean up after herself. 
I have tried to tell her so many times to not sweat the small stuff, it is what it is but she cant or wont do it....she must stress over the tiniest little things and make a big deal out of it. The tension in the house because of her is unbelievable. Everyone is scared of her and I have told her this and she says.... GOOD!
I asked my youngest yesterday how she felt about her mother leaving her sister at school and she said really bad. She said she kept telling her mom that her sister is just held back by her teacher for a few minutes and that she should wait, but my wife just drove away. She said it made her feel really sad. I asked her if she thought that the way mommy was treating her was right and she said no.She said the way mommy is being is not nice at all. I feel so bad for both my kids. The oldest for having to go through so much and the youngest for being a witness and possible future victim.
I know in my heart that ending this relationship is the only way to put a stop to this. I wish this was not happening because I still love her and would love to be with her if all this was not going on, but I cant stand her as a person anymore because of the way she is behaving.

Should I just hold out until she leaves or put my foot down now and get it done. It would all be so much easier if we did not have the youngest to worry about,I would just tell her to hit the road and not think twice about it, but I don't want to hurt her with all of this. 
Is it better to wait and make it seem like they are just moving back because of moms work and just let things happen as they will after that! No big drama and fighting in front of her and whatnot.

I am SOOOOO confused to the point I need professional help myself.


----------



## that_girl

Leave. Your daughter NEEDS you to stand up for her. If you don't, she will be ruined.

I know from experience.


----------



## Ladybugs

it doesnt matter if its easy to leave or not, you just have to do it for your daughters sake...your long explanations just sound like excuses for why you dont want to leave...

please do not wait anymore..if your house is burning down you dont ponder about it, or ask for advice..you simply leave and ask questions later..

leave today for your daughters sake before a worse tragedy happens that already has...and you would also be doing the younger one a favor too...she is being hurt by witnessing the abuse...

thats what it is, child abuse. 

it doesnt matter about your job, her job, what the job market is like, or finding a perfect place to live...just for petes sake get out. You will find another job, but the first step is GET OUT....thats all i can say..frustrating that you seem so unaware of how serious it is


----------



## that_girl

Stop making excuses and grow a pair. I'm sorry to be blunt but your child is worth any discomfort you will go through.


----------



## At wits end

Alright, Thank you for your advice and giving me the courage to make a stand. 

How is the following for "growing a pair"

And yes, I sent an email because I would never be able to finish this in person without being interrupted or berated.



Ok.

Since you cannot even continue a conversation on Skype.
I will do it this way,

I am not going to make this long and drawn out and go on and on.

Bottom line, you are being mentally abusive to me and to my daughter and ****** is witnessing it. You can deny it all you want but it is true. I have not come to this deduction by myself, I have talked to many people about what is going on and they all say the same thing. It does not matter what has happened or what has transpired before. Your actions and your behavior is NOT acceptable. 

I am as I am, with my daughter along for the ride. When you married me, you accepted that fact. IT WILL NOT CHANGE. 

If you cannot accept this fact and start being a mature adult and treat her with respect and stop what you are doing, then we are done. She is my blood and that is for life, I cannot divorce her, but I can divorce you. You may think this is what I want, its not, I still love you and I wish it could be different but you have left me no choice. I can no longer stand by let you do this to the family. You are tearing the family apart with this and you are possibly permanently damaging people mentally. I just hope to God that ***** as well as ***** are strong enough to get over this without much damage.

I know that you are going to be super pissed about what I have said but it is the truth and there is no getting around it anymore.

Either you get help with you problem or I am done. I would rather sacrifice the time I get to spend with ***** than live together with you like this anymore.


----------



## Syrum

Wow, good on you.

I really hope that you can all get counseling and things change for the better, even if you and your oldest are moving forward alone.

keep us posted.


----------



## SadieBrown

I know that is a hard thing to do, but you are doing the right thing for both your daughters.

Please keep us posted.


----------



## that_girl

Good job


----------



## At wits end

Just an update and a further indication of what I am dealing with.

The response to that email was .....Ok.

Ok? WTH is this?


----------



## dojo

OK? Is she serious?

You know what, your daughter IS YOUR PRIORITY and wife dearest knew about her when you met. If she cannot act like a NORMAL mother and woman in the end, then just mind your own business. Your kid has gone through hell and back and you still care about this witch. Sorry, but she is a witch.


----------



## kevint

Your daughter comes first!! The decisions you make now will only effect her later. Nobody would ever abuse my kids in anyway. Her ass would be on the next flight out of Asia! point blank!! It angers me that as a parent you would leave your daughter in this situation. I would not allow my mother to treat my kids any diffrent than I do . You need to stop with the excuses and bargaining with her and get the wife out the picture ot take the daughter and yourself out! No excuses about company housing etc.. Get her out now!!!!


----------



## eagleclaw

OK, to me means she doesn't buy it for a minute. In fact, she would never have gone as far as she has if she thought there was any change of consequences for her.

She doesn't believe you. She's basically saying, yeah right, ok.


----------



## chattycathy

I think she is saying ok cause she is giving you the response that she read the email and isn't sure what it says....she is still figuring it out in her mind.
Obviously you love your wife, she has some good traits but her horrible habit of abusing your older daughter is engrained and she probably has no clue how to stop doing it at this point.
The abuse is unacceptable and you seem to be doing what you need to do.
Certainly, you should consider taking the younger daughter with you at least half the time if not more while her mom works through her issues. The sisters could be of support to each other.


----------

