# Still Lurking.. Questions.. As Always.. SEX



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Im still here guys lurking. I know it has been awhile since a post. But I am no better of a situation than I was before. Yes the affair ended but other than that the relationship between us is No where near ok. Why am I still in it.. I honestly cant answer that! Here is the issue its been well over a year since the affair ended. NO CONTACT at all.. I am pretty sure about this... we have been through a lot with in this time. But once I got comfortable and wanted the intimacy back, which I felt was a big factor in repairing or distance. To reconnect us emotionally.. To feel the bond.. Well you get the point.. He doesn't want to AT ALL. Nothing.. He has NO desire... And this is really putting me in a bad way of thinking, Like he doesn't desire me? was it the affair? Is because he doesn't think I am as good as her? I know I am.. shoot BETTER than her. But I don't get it.. As long as he doesn't desire to be with me his wife.. well how am I supposed to feel special and wanted by this man?? Rejection is not doing any good for us at all.or me And WHY? Is lost sexual desire toward the faithful spouse normal?


----------



## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

Hello,
Two things come to mind;
1. He is feeling so much guilt that he can't get his focus shifted to the intimacy in your life. Do you hold hands, etc - just not sex? He may be afraid of what you may think because of him being with the other woman. 

2. He may be afraid of not performing and does not want to fail - links back to guilt or other issues emotionally. 

Is he afraid of your commitment to stay so he is not fully committed himself? A bit of self protection and holding back just in case so he does not get hurt?

In my world, after Dday I initiated quickly. I needed to know if I could stand it without feeling ill. The second night I was able to start reconnecting and find a starting point. We have had more frequency post affair than during the other 16 years of marriage. 

Hope you are able to find the missing part and re-establish the intimate parts of your life. Maybe he needs you to initiate if you have not tried that yet. Then he will know you accept him.


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

No there isn't really any intimacy. He will give me a fast peck on the lips before leaving to work. very fast peck. And that's it. No holding hand, no hugging, no sex, no comfy cozy time curled up on the coach together. Nothing. Its all gone. I have tried. But a person can only take so many rejections till they give up. Yes if I say come over to the coach he will but not always.. but then its just sitting there like nothing special.. He really seems like he has Lost all desire for me.. He admits he has no sexual needs. But to tell my why.. he just don't. He says he loves me all the sweet words. SOMETIMES.. still have moments that its not that great. But that's me feeling rejection and unwanted as a women should feel..


----------



## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

The "standard" idea of IC and CC - is that an option. It sounds like his head and heart have not gotten on the same track and in results, his body is not awake. 
Can you two talk about how you are both feeling and the needs each of you has for intimacy and maybe find some happy medium to help you both find the comfort with each other. Was your previous love life good?


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

How old is you husband? He may need to get checked for depression, and testosterone. 

There may be some underlying medical issues.


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

He is 40 and I am yonger than him. So its like none of my needs are being meet top that with the feeling of rejection not to pleasant.. And I would like cc but he refuses. Ic yes I have been in it. Maybe time for me to return. Him no IC he refuses that as well. Claims he doesn't need it. I don't know about medical issues. To me if he can bang a young women for what 2 years stop all that return to a faithful marriage and not want his wife I really could not think that it is underlying condition.. Maybe I am wrong. But aside from the non-sex what about the other emotional aspects. Hugging, kissing, holding hands. snuggling..ANYTHING.....


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

And yes our previous love life was awesome. And no happy medium he just shut down... so if it was great before why is so no existent now! He just lost all desire after the affair.. I understand why I did for awhile but its not me now its him. Poof its just gone!


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> And yes our previous love life was awesome. And no happy medium he just shut down... so if it was great before why is so no existent now! He just lost all desire after the affair.. I understand why I did for awhile but its not me now its him. Poof its just gone!


What is gone now can be rekindled... Your husband probably is still hurting. He can pretty much just be afraid you will hurt him again and he is not ready. You aren't close, no holding hands etc... Hold his hand. In public, make very affectionate displays for him. Build his trust and confidence back. Rub his shoulders, hold his hand, sit on his lap, shower him with more attention.

Tell him that you still love him but you are at a loss for his lack of desire for you. If he doesn't come around then you haven't R. Ask him why he is holding back. He may tell you. You may not want to here it though. I am truly sorry you are here.


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> What is gone now can be rekindled... Your husband probably is still hurting. He can pretty much just be afraid you will hurt him again and he is not ready. You aren't close, no holding hands etc... Hold his hand. In public, make very affectionate displays for him. Build his trust and confidence back. Rub his shoulders, hold his hand, sit on his lap, shower him with more attention.
> 
> Tell him that you still love him but you are at a loss for his lack of desire for you. If he doesn't come around then you haven't R. Ask him why he is holding back. He may tell you. You may not want to here it though. I am truly sorry you are here.


This is really good advice. But I am not the one who cheated . This is Everything I would Love him to do. Make me feel loved wanted, show me affection. Build my trust back !! If I was the WS this is what I should be doing. But being the BS well I have tried to reach for him.. But there is no go. He just shut down toward me..


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Ok so I went back to some of my older threads. And here is the pathtic part. I was wondering about this over a year ago.. And yet here I am still wondering!! Here is the link to that http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43824-ok-i-am-just-going-ask-censored-2.html And yet after reading thru this thread, it seems that the hugs kisses and things like that has dropped, instead of improving!!


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

He just does not care.


----------



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Just Tired Of It All I just wanted to tell you I know exactly how you feel. D day for me was 11 months ago and we are still struggling to reconnect. I also feel H has little or no desire for sex and I can't help but think he not attracted to me or that he is cheating again. In fact we fight about this issue all the time. He swears he is attracted to me and desires sex but his actions don't match is words. I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through and it is VERY frustrating.


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Well hell this thread pretty much has no answer. If you used to have a great sex life and now after you have exposed the affair you are getting nothing, then he just does not feel that for you anymore maybe he just has not really confessed to himself that his affair was a symptom of the fact that he just does not want to be with you any longer. 

Lets talk about the important thing tho and that is that you are in a relationship where you are sexually and emotionally unsatisfied. Because frankly your husband is not here but you are so he has refused counseling and has made no moves to improve this VERY important part of your relationship. So what would you like to do? If this what you want to do with the rest of your life? As the saying goes "been a long time since I have had anything in my nethers that did not run on batteries" that is no way to go through life. You deserve better and he is unwilling to make any changes it seems. That leaves you with few options you can keep begging for him to change or realize you deserve better and he either steps up or you need to make some hard decisions. Sorry you are here but begging for sex and getting rejected yeah been there and done that it fvcking destroys you self esteem and I really really feel for you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like he doesn't really want to be with you. Why is he reconciling if this is his behavior? It sounds like this has been going on for a long time. Why are YOU reconciling if this is his behavior?


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

bluerunner said:


> Just Tired Of It All I just wanted to tell you I know exactly how you feel. D day for me was 11 months ago and we are still struggling to reconnect. I also feel H has little or no desire for sex and I can't help but think he not attracted to me or that he is cheating again. In fact we fight about this issue all the time. He swears he is attracted to me and desires sex but his actions don't match is words. I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through and it is VERY frustrating.


Thanks for your post. Thanks to everyone. I am sorry you know what I mean and how I feel. Seems like most everyones replies are that he just not into me anymore. Yeah it hurts to hear this. As far as we have come or rather me to get past this. It brings up alot of feelings in me when I think about it. Its like ok sex was great all the way up to the moment I caught him. Then bottomed out.. Of course I get the reason why during and right after the affair but this far along after the ending of the affair and still rejected. Kinda makes me think he got some hot steamy sex from her and I just dont compare. What else could it be? So why is he here? To put me thru more he**? I can not just try to move on when all that comes to my mind is he doesnt want sex with me because he screwed someone else and now its me he dont want it with....


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> What else could it be? ....


He could still be in the affair. What you have is not a true reconciliation. His behavior indicates either that he simply does not want to be with you, or he still has his OW and is staying in the marriage for reasons other than physical satisfaction.


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> He could still be in the affair. What you have is not a true reconciliation. His behavior indicates either that he simply does not want to be with you, or he still has his OW and is staying in the marriage for reasons other than physical satisfaction.


The affair is for sure over! But you could be right about the rest of it. He may be here for other reasons. It does seem like he wants to be "here" but maybe not "with" me. He says I mean the world to him. But his actions doesnt meet the words. So I guess what everyone is trying to get me to understand (which I think I am) is that his here but not in the way he should be as my husband. I think he cares for me but to love me and want me as a husband should love/want/desire it just isnt there. I can not just live the rest of my life with a man who cares for me but not in a husband/wife way. So there isnt any options I guess. Or if so I dont know what they would be. Either live like I am.. (I am way to young for that, just end all the emotional/sexual parts of my life) or figure away to walk away! It still hurts knowing that this is the only options I have after all we have been through! What I dont get is why would he be OK with just living like this?


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Is lost sexual desire toward the faithful spouse normal?


Ok.....waining sexual desire is normal for couples who have been together along time......lost sexual desire can have many factors for a man...

In your circumstance.....its not you...its him....hes a selfish dude....I have never cheated...but my ex sex drive changed afterwards...the whole thing changed...and I asked myself the same questions as you....re sex...

Hes guilty...he might know sex is an issue on your mind...and its ackward...and this compounds the pressure....

I mean bottom line...cheating has to do with sex and the mind.....and loving sex relations have to do with sex and the mind......his mind is messed up....and so is the sex.....no amount of lingerie will fix it....its not you physically....its what's in his head....guilt...


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

imsohurt said:


> Ok.....waining sexual desire is normal for couples who have been together along time......lost sexual desire can have many factors for a man...
> 
> In your circumstance.....its not you...its him....hes a selfish dude....I have never cheated...but my ex sex drive changed afterwards...the whole thing changed...and I asked myself the same questions as you....re sex...
> 
> ...


Make since if we look at it for the perspective you just gave. So now what? Is this a common issue for cheaters when they do try to R with the spouse! Or is it just part of the healing and it gets better with MORE time. Or is this it for the remander of the marriage?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Maybe his guilt or depression is too strong for him to overcome and is affecting his emotions?


----------



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

aug said:


> Maybe his guilt or depression is too strong for him to overcome and is affecting his emotions?


Well this is a possiablity too. When the A finally ended it ended at the time that somthing drastic happened in the family. As soon as it did he just stopped the A. Nothing has been right since right before I caught him. He has grieved for awhile now. But to just cut all emotions off toward me is hard for me to cope with! Im just very confused and hurt!! I mean does he not have any needs or maybe he doesnt if he filled with grief, guilt and depression. I really have no idea what to do or the think or feel for this matter


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Make since if we look at it for the perspective you just gave. So now what? Is this a common issue for cheaters when they do try to R with the spouse! Or is it just part of the healing and it gets better with MORE time. Or is this it for the remander of the marriage?



Ill share my thoughts with you.....unless there is some real spiritual cleaning of this man....it will never be the same.....and I mean a coming to Jesus type of moment.....I say this metaphorically.....

time can heal wounds...but scars remain......if hes not actively working on himself in a serious way....its doomed.....

Until there is real remorse and forgiveness you cannot turn back the hands of time.....bit hes going to have to forgive himself in his heart...
and purge this...that is the only hope I believe...

I'm not a cheater...but I actually studied my ex past behavior when she cheated....I recalled over very small issues she was not quit to admit wrong doing and was quick to justify....she rarely apologized...and was irate upon most confrontation......

These cheating folks...are most likely upset that they got caught....and they later may feel guilt as only something they are supposed to feel....they don't feel it like non cheaters....

My mother has suggested there may be a gene for this.....I may tend to agree.....

I wouldn't focus on the sec if I were you....id focus on true remorse and forgiveness....and some sort of spiritual awakening.....if you don't see that...all is futile.....mark these words


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Well this is a possiablity too. When the A finally ended it ended at the time that somthing drastic happened in the family. As soon as it did he just stopped the A. *Nothing has been right since right before I caught him. He has grieved for awhile now. But to just cut all emotions off toward me is hard for me to cope with! Im just very confused and hurt!! I mean does he not have any needs or maybe he doesnt if he filled with grief, guilt and depression.* I really have no idea what to do or the think or feel for this matter


Sounds like he could be depressed. It seems that you have brought up the subject, asked for therapy, but he refused to come out of his shell. Did he apologize for the affair? What did you ask him about that relationship? Was it a long term thing?

Has he replaced OW with porn and masturbation?


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

sounds like his mojo went south after the affair. it also seems like he's put you in a "love you like family" category. 

he's content to live this way. are you?


----------

