# Wife of 23 years wants legal separation in a hurry



## jaybird (Sep 16, 2009)

Background:

My wife of 23 years informed me on the weekend that she wants a legal separation and this week I received a letter from her lawyer. We have two children (9 & 14) and have been through much over the past 7 years. 

I had cancer 7 years ago, and looking back she offered little support through my personal crisis, but did take care of the children.

Six years ago she had an intense "cyber affair" which later developed into an "ill fated" love affair the when bad and had to involve the police. I did "kick" her out at the time for a month, but felt sorry for her as she let her emotions get the better of her without deep thinking of the consequences. At the time she was also not working. She did bring the topic of separation up back then as well. She can be a very "shallow" thinker and believes what she sees on television to be reality. Anyway, I accepted her mistake and viewed the situation as being better to have mom and dad under one roof for the children. Things were testy for about a year and then settled for the past 5.

Now, almost de ja vu, she wants a separation, and claims she is not 'emotionally' into the marriage. Yes, I get it, she is saying she is not in love and/or no longer attracted to me. Yes, it's a very simplistic viewpoint considering we have growing children. Isn't marriage more about building a family not just always "sparkle and excitement". This is something she has never fathomed and has never understood it takes hard work to make a relationship work. Anyway, that's my opinion and we clearly don't agree on that.

So, I am faced with a separation, that to be honest, my wife doesn't understand fully what she is getting into, other than her understanding what she sees on ET tonight or the tabloids. The process is not that simple, can be expensive and will destroy a lot of lives in the process. Yes, everyone has a right to be happy, and yes, I do have accept the reality that the marriage can and may end. The frustration, rage and anger that I feel about the situation is that I am powerless to do much and particularly since I know she just simply is looking at the whole thing on a very superficial level. I suspect there is another man involved, but not enough proof yet. Regardless, I must first off deal with what has been presented to me, a request for legal separation.

So, I have been racking my brain with two thoughts ? 

1. Assuming she is convinced the process of separation move along, how do I protect myself ? How do I protect my children ?

2. IIs it worthwhile trying to convince her that the future she has choosen isn't paved in roses and instead try to put all our energy into rebuilding our relationship ? After all, we have been together for 23 years.

Looking for good advice 
JayB:scratchhead:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

JayB,

Since she's already going the legal route on her own, I would set some ground rules for the separation...living arrangements, finances, visitation, counselling and seeing other people (I'd suggest NOT). 

If she is running off cuz some guy is giving her the butterflies in the stomach feeling, you don't need to continue to be there when that crashes and burns. If she truely wants to separate, she should at minimum for the children, determine whether the relationship is salvagable before starting up another one.


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

I honestly think you would lose your time and energy trying to convince her to work on the marriage.. she's already out of it.. in her mind.. 

My only advice.. get a lawyer and ask him all the questions you need to know.. put them on paper so that you don't forget any..

I know this is a very painful process for you and the kids.. and like you say, she might not understand the full consequences on her actions.. but hey.. there is not much you can do.. she just don't want to live with you anymore.. 

I say.. protect yourself.. I just hope that she is mature enough to be nice with the kids.. you sound well grounded.. 

They should be the priority .. whatever happens between you two... 

Good luck!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with swedish.


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## jaybird (Sep 16, 2009)

Yes, it is a bit of a tough reality check and painful for me. Right now it is becoming more stressful each day to live under the same roof, but the advice I am getting is to stay for (a) the children and (b) leaving will look like desertion and (c) it's the only shot I would have to convince the courts that I can handle full or half custody of the children. 

The other bit of advice I have received so far is to 'stall' and make sure I find the 'right' lawyer (or skilled mediator) that will look out for my interests (not the pay cheque). Interestingly, the 1st couple I visited didn't start out with asking what my goals were ... but went straight down the path of figuring out what was her half, what my rights might be and suggest doing everything to avoid court. Not once was I asked what my expectations are as an outcome.

I do have mixed feelings over the whole thing, I hate the thought that my soon-to-be-X-wife may be doing this only to 'free' herself to be with another man. I heard, but do not know if this is possible, that one can write into the separation agreement a restriction preventing her from having a 'live in partner' for 'X' time period for the sake of the children. Seems extreme, but I can see the logic in terms of confusing the children. Has anyone heard of that ?

Jay


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

Never heard of such a clause.. and I highly doubt it is possible to have that restriction... and I highly doubt it's for the sake of the children.. it sounds more like for the sake of 'revenge' or 'bitterness'...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I've head the clause regarding a live in partner. If you are married it makes complete sense.

If you are divorced and paying alimony or spousal support many times that can "go away" if they have a live in or remarry.


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