# New here - Not sure what I'm seeking



## MWF (May 21, 2021)

I would say it is "nice" to meet you all, but I must admit I'm not happy to be here.

Short version of my story: My husband and I have been together 20 years, married 16. We have always been great friends. In the past few years, our intimacy has really declined. Both of us are in middle age; both of us dealing with the mental and emotional distress of changing bodies, lowering hormones, self-esteem issues. Rather than talk with each other about what we have been going through, it was easier for us to bottle it up inside and not communicate. About two months ago, my husband blindsided me about why we no longer have the sex we used to (we used to be that couple that went like rabbits all night long). Rather than discuss this with him, I got angry, and a fight ensued. We rarely fight (we rarely communicate, I guess). We gave it some space, then a few days later we talked again and decided we would work on increasing intimacy. I thought we were making strides, but...

Two weeks ago, following dinner, he looked at me and told me he wanted a divorce. I was pretty gut-punched by this. A few days later it came out that he has been engaged in affair with someone he met at his office building. The affair started shortly after our discussion about our intimacy.

Our current situation - he says we are now "roommates" and he comes and goes as he pleases. He goes out with her as he pleases, and then comes back home. Originally he was going to sleep in one of the guest rooms, but rather he sleeps in our marriage bed. We have had sex at least three times since he told me he wants a divorce.

There have been tears, anger, confusion, repulsion, despair. I KNOW I'm crazy for allowing him back into our bed. I KNOW I am insane for having sex with him while he's also having sex with her. There's so much to unpack and so much to deal with.

I love my husband very much. I always have. I see I am losing myself in this process, and I'm so scared to proceed.

The divorce is going to cause us both financial ruin. I'm not sure we will recover from that damage. We will lose family and friends developed over the past two decades. We will lose the house we both love.

I'm not looking for answers. I know there are no "one size fits all" for this situation. I just hope to find some support and perhaps advice. I know I need help. I know I need to work on myself. But knowing and doing are two very different things.

Other information: We have no children by choice; we worked together for several years (no longer do) and were together 24/7 during that time. 
We have each lost our individuality over the years. A majority of our friends are mutual ones. We shared most of our hobbies and activities with each other a few, close couple friends. We rarely went out with friends outside of each other (we used to, but stopped doing this over the past five years).

Peace to all.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

is this a double post?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aine said:


> is this a double post?


Yes...









Separated but Still in House


2 weeks ago my husband of 16 years (together 20), informed me that we he wanted us to separate (After many emotionally-charged conversations, countless tears, and some yelling and screaming). I felt pretty blindsided by this request, more so when it was revealed that he has been engaged in an...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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