# Dealing with loss of physical attraction



## StuckInLove

Hey all, long time lurker, first time poster. 

In short, my wife and I have been together for over a decade, and are very much in love. We are best friends, truly. Unfortunately, over the course of our relationship, she has gained a lot of weight, especially her thighs. It bothers me more than I'd like it to, and I often find myself staring at other women who are simply not out of shape. She's made good diet changes and is starting to work out here and there, and I've decided to start seriously working out as a possible motivation for her to step up her game. I'm not out of shape, so I would be working on toning myself and bulking up, she needs actual weight loss.

Without diving deep into the extremely complicated mess that is "trying to get your wife to lose weight", I'm keeping faith that she will do it. However, I'd like some help with coping with the fact that I'm completely un-attracted to her at the moment. How do you deal? I truly love her with all my heart, but just can't get over how overweight she is. I want to be able to cope with it better while she's in this transitional period..

I am 31 and she is 28.

Suggestions?

Thanks!


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## GuyInColorado

Don't listen to me, I divorced my overweight wife and found a much hotter one to replace her. But I had many other issues and I flat out hated her and prayed to God/Allah to kill her with a heart attack every day.

You definitely should be working out, bulk up. You also need to talk to her. If she fails to shed the weight, then you are ready to find another mate. 

People gain weight because they are using food to cope with an issue. She needs to find the root of the problem and address it.


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## lifeistooshort

How good is your fitness?

Can you offer what you want?


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## StuckInLove

She isn't using food to cope with an issue per se, it's honestly a fact of laziness. She's a very complacent person when it comes to life in general, she hates having to put effort into anything and is the best excuse maker I may have ever met. I am EXTREMELY good to her, so I honestly feel like she has no motivation or urgency to correct the problem because, well, she's getting everything she wants already and assumes I'm happy too because I'm still very affectionate. Even though we've talked, argued, fought, screamed, yelled and cried about the issue for years, the best results I've gotten is she finally improved her diet and start doing a little "work out" video here and there, usually conveniently before I get home from work.  Knowing her, the instant she gets her heart rate up, she stops and says she "worked out". I try to jog with her and she makes it two blocks and basically gives up. Like I said, I'm trying not to focus on these details and am having faith she'll get there, but need help not being so resentful about it.

My fitness is good. I'm in shape, average build, constantly flirted with on the bus (seriously), very healthy in general. I also maintain my appearance too, I stay trimmed, wear nice clothes, I carry myself tall and proud, etc.. One thing that drives me nuts is how often she will be behind me and start going "Mmm you have the nicest man butt I've ever seen." and all I can think of is "Well gee how does that feel to be attracted to your spouse?" as I look at her extremely flabby, wide, tree-trunk legs, wishing I could return the compliment. I never lie, I will not give a compliment her if it's a lie, so I don't give any false sense that she's looking good. I compliment her personality and other features that are attractive, but won't be all like "You too babe" if it's simply not true.


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## Marc878

Start exercising with her. Get a gym membership. Make it her and you time


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## GuyInColorado

How many #s overweight is she? Tree trunk legs? Doesn't look good from here.

Please tell me you don't paint her toe nails for her.


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## StuckInLove

Exercise together: I never, not once ever told her to go work out. I always offer to exercise together, jog together, etc.. She constantly turns me down, comes up with an excuse, or if she does "work out" with me, I run circles around her. I can't even jog as slow as she does, I honestly walk faster. 

#'s overweight: I think last time she revealed her weight it was ~190 and she's 5'5". That was a while ago, but she doesn't look much different.

Toenails: NO.


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## Jessica38

Start working out with her. Find an activity that you both enjoy and make it a daily habit. Try to make it something that includes weight resistant exercises (bodyweight, kettlebells, HIIT, yoga, etc.)- women need strength training too, for many reasons, not least of all, for making it easier to stay lean.

The science behind making something a daily habit is pretty impressive. If you make it enjoyable, and something that can be done at the same time every day, even for a short period, the chances of success are much greater than relying on motivation and willpower. This is a great book that talks about the science behind small daily habits for weight loss:

https://www.amazon.com/Mini-Habits-...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=YVKW9ZC3AA7D02DAHGZ0


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## StuckInLove

Thank you all for your help. I have tried working out WITH her many, many times and it yields nothing but additional frustration because she gives up so easily and/or starts coming up with excuses. It's almost like she's purposefully difficult when I try to work out with her so I give up on it and leave her alone. 

But that is not what I started this thread for. We can talk about that for years. What I want to know is how do I deal with this resentment I feel? I'm trying to have faith that she will do it, and like I said I am starting to do some serious working out in front of her so maybe she will start to feel pressured to do the same, but in the meantime, how do I deal with the fact that I am completely and totally un-attracted to her? I think she's pretty in the face, but I'm hard pressed to find another feature I'm attracted to, and it's really depressing...


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## jld

StuckInLove said:


> Thank you all for your help. I have tried working out WITH her many, many times and it yields nothing but additional frustration because she gives up so easily and/or starts coming up with excuses. It's almost like she's purposefully difficult when I try to work out with her so I give up on it and leave her alone.
> 
> But that is not what I started this thread for. We can talk about that for years. What I want to know is how do I deal with this resentment I feel? I'm trying to have faith that she will do it, and like I said I am starting to do some serious working out in front of her so maybe she will start to feel pressured to do the same, but in the meantime, how do I deal with the fact that I am completely and totally un-attracted to her? I think she's pretty in the face, but I'm hard pressed to find another feature I'm attracted to, and it's really depressing...


I think you are going to have to be honest with her about this, however uncomfortable for both of you. Be transparent.

Are you still able to get erect and have sex with her? Or is she now physically a complete turnoff to you?


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## xMadame

Tell her that she is too large for you and that you want an open marriage so you can **** hotter chicks. 


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## Lostme

Speaking a as a woman, I would appreciate the honesty even if it was hard to take. Because if you thought weight was a marriage deal breaker I would want to redeem myself. 

But there are women who do not care if your bothered or not, because they think you will never leave.

Talk to her get your feelings on the table, before thoughts of divorce hit. You really seems to care about your wife and are trying hard, now it's her turn to try but you need to tell her what you need from her.


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## muiscq

I would also say talk to her opening about it.. I have been in you place as well. we divorced for many another things but this was part of it. And I can tell you more things will come from it. It turned so bad for me that I told her during sex that I could not stand it anymore. And I could only get a hard on if I was me wanting to have sex. And guys you know what I'm talking about; the need!! not want!! So if you find yourself there I would say be honest, hold no punches because its not going to get better. I now for 3 years almost have a girl that I and crazy over and is in shape and it is the best. I don't look at another girls because I know what I have and its good. My ex was pretty in the face and when we meet, but jut like someone just said there are females that think youll never leave and that's what I had. I was honest and she didn't take my thoughts seriously, so I left. But sex is a critical part of a relationship/marriage. I didn't know that until I meant with my girl/wife now.


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## Vinnydee

"Truly in love" and not attracted to your wife due to her weight, seems at odds. If you are having problems now, just wait until you both get to our age. Not too long ago my once hot wife asked me how can I still be sexually attracted to her at the age of 64. I told her that I love her and when I look at her, I see the young girl I married. That my friend, is true love. Basing your attraction to someone you love on their appearance is not unconditional love. much less true love. Your problem is not your wife. Look inward.


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## Spicy

So her BMI is probably around 33, and she is obese.
If she is as lazy as you say, the chances of her having long term success are slim (pun not intended). 
Is SHE at all bothered by her weight? It sounds like she may be not well proportioned and is carrying the bulk of it in her legs?
What did she look like when you married?

She may need medical intervention at some point if she cannot get this under control, she will be morbidly obese in a few more years. 

Weight of a wife has to be one of the touchiest subjects in a marriage. I don't envy the spot you are sitting in.


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## muiscq

I going to have to say that you are wrong here.. we all know age is a factor. but that is something that is supposed to happen. And who are you to say your views are his views. He is saying to us that this is affecting him. You are making his love sound 1 sided or that it's not love. So if your wife got a sex change and said love me? would you. That's love right. I mean if your ok with that then that is your love but not mine. I would be gone faster then you can take a dump. The man is in a place that something is affecting him and he needs to tell her the truth.. Don't beat around the bush with this because it will get worse. Anger turns to hate. Its just the way things are. And if left like it is, because he loves her; it may turn around to hurt her more then telling the truth. I just read that her weight should not affect his love. I'm sorry but if I did this to my wife and gain a great deal of weight and she didn't like it I would lose it. But she would have to say something! He hasn't said how much weight and it really doesn't matter because it could be 5 pounds or 300 pounds. I would hope there is some give and go in there because we do age. If its close to the extreme and she's not doing anything about it then I would say have the talk. Line up like you did when you married... faced to face and let it go! Because more then not, its going to turn into a yelling match. Give it time to correct itself and if not then move on. I just read that it might be or could be medical, which is true, which means the talk needs to happen. I hear to many times that love is the answer.. Love does not keep you married. Respecting your pattern is the key, and that is done by communication. And communication is not just talking but listening as well.


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## muiscq

Spicy said:


> So her BMI is probably around 33, and she is obese.
> If she is as lazy as you say, the chances of her having long term success are slim (pun not intended).
> Is SHE at all bothered by her weight? It sounds like she may be not well proportioned and is carrying the bulk of it in her legs?
> What did she look like when you married?
> 
> She may need medical intervention at some point if she cannot get this under control, she will be morbidly obese in a few more years.
> 
> Weight of a wife has to be one of the touchiest subjects in a marriage. I don't envy the spot you are sitting in.




I too think its a hard place to be in but he has to bring it up for both of them. As you point out it could be medical. and that is something that needs to be addressed. if not then again you are right. What was she when you married because I have a rule/idea.. Stay within 50 pounds of that weight. anything outside of that I would think something is wrong. And that's a pretty big number to work in.. for a female that's huge. A male large but not huge. so its far to say the same for both. if mine got close to that I would say we need to correct this, One because its not healthy and 2 because I don't think I would like having sex with you as much.. Just because we are married doesn't mean I wont to have sex with the blob. I made a sorry movie about it. And I'm sure she wouldn't wan to either.


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## MEM2020

Stuck,

The term 'in love' almost always refers to romantic/sexual love. Even where that part is - lite - for certain 'in love' means loving and respecting the person 'as is'. You clearly don't respect her choices. You also reference numerous fights about the subject over many years. 

Since you self describe as very honest I will be completely unfiltered with you:
- S2 (your wife) has never prioritized fitness
- It is actually quite hard for heavy people to lose and keep weight off
- She doesn't care enough that it bothers you - to make that effort 
- There is no reason for you to expect the outcome (her becoming and staying fit) you desire 

If you don't have children, be careful not to conceive until you resolve this either through acceptance or divorce. 

Normally - the way this works - if she stayed fit until marriage and then gained weight - you would have said so. It would be a valid basis for resentment. Since you didn't, I have some questions for you:
- How long married
- How active was she and how much did she weigh when you got married 
- Do you have children

If she was heavy and sedentary (the standard euphemism for physically lazy) when you got engaged/married - well - why did you expect her to suddenly change? Proposing is a simple message: I love you as is (this is more a behavioral thing than a number on a scale at a point in time - meaning she was physically lazy when you proposed) and want to spend rest of our lives together. 

Getting married to someone who is lazy and already gaining weight - expecting the ring to change their lifestyle - is not realistic. 







StuckInLove said:


> Hey all, long time lurker, first time poster.
> 
> In short, my wife and I have been together for over a decade, and are very much in love. We are best friends, truly. Unfortunately, over the course of our relationship, she has gained a lot of weight, especially her thighs. It bothers me more than I'd like it to, and I often find myself staring at other women who are simply not out of shape. She's made good diet changes and is starting to work out here and there, and I've decided to start seriously working out as a possible motivation for her to step up her game. I'm not out of shape, so I would be working on toning myself and bulking up, she needs actual weight loss.
> 
> Without diving deep into the extremely complicated mess that is "trying to get your wife to lose weight", I'm keeping faith that she will do it. However, I'd like some help with coping with the fact that I'm completely un-attracted to her at the moment. How do you deal? I truly love her with all my heart, but just can't get over how overweight she is. I want to be able to cope with it better while she's in this transitional period..
> 
> I am 31 and she is 28.
> 
> Suggestions?
> 
> Thanks!


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## lifeistooshort

I'm going to add to MEM's comment and say that you need to avoid taking her weight gain personally, which you are if you're fighting about it. 

Fighting is pointless..... when is the last time that one fought or *****ed their partner into losing weight?

The fact is that it is very hard in our current environment to maintain fitness, and not everyone is interested in making that kind of effort. Even if you could ***** her into it she'll just resent you for it. 

Communicate that it bothers you, offer your support, then leave her alone. Nagging introduces the parent dynamic that never ends well.

If you see no effort you accept that this is who she is and decide if you can live with it. Her choices have nothing to do with you..... you might just be incompatible if fitness is a high priority for you. Just make sure that you maintain yours.


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## GuyInColorado

Conditional love is only towards a child and that can be debated too. You don't owe your love/life to anyone, including your wife. If you aren't attractive to her, you can replace her. But you must give her notice and allow her to have a chance in changing herself. You need to give her a timeline and then execute. If she thinks you are bluffing, she'll never change and think you're a chump.


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## MrsAldi

When I was a smoker, my husband used to lecture me every day. I used to be like, if "you don't like it, leave". 

He never did leave, but one day I realised what I was doing to myself, to my health. So I quit. For me, not for anyone else.

You cannot change your wife, you cannot change her habits. 
She has to do it for herself, not just for you. And it doesn't matter if you lecture her every day, hell it won't even matter if you tell her how unattractive you find her. She probably still won't change, it's been years right? 

The only control you have is leaving. 

Accept her or move on because she may never get it. Old habits die hard. Quitting being lazy is probably up there with quitting nicotine. Easier said than done. It's a whole lifestyle change. 

I'm sure that she's a lovely person, and while I am sure it would be very hurtful if you left, she might find someone else who enjoys her body now and finds her attractive the way she is now. She deserves that. As you deserve someone who is attractive to you. 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38

StuckInLove said:


> Thank you all for your help. I have tried working out WITH her many, many times and it yields nothing but additional frustration because she gives up so easily and/or starts coming up with excuses. It's almost like she's purposefully difficult when I try to work out with her so I give up on it and leave her alone.
> 
> But that is not what I started this thread for. We can talk about that for years. What I want to know is how do I deal with this resentment I feel? I'm trying to have faith that she will do it, and like I said I am starting to do some serious working out in front of her so maybe she will start to feel pressured to do the same, but in the meantime, how do I deal with the fact that I am completely and totally un-attracted to her? I think she's pretty in the face, but I'm hard pressed to find another feature I'm attracted to, and it's really depressing...


I don't think you can change your feelings for the need to have an attractive spouse. Dr. Harley in His Needs, Her Needs states that physical attractiveness is a top 10 need by many spouses, and his point is that it is much easier for a spouse to work to meet the need than it is for the spouse with the need to change their feelings. 

So my advice still stands- find an activity you both enjoy and do it together. Recreational companionship is a great way to spend time with your wife. But pick something you both enjoy and can learn to do at the same level- many men find yoga extremely challenging, for example, and many women, even if they are out of shape, can be quite flexible. Start taking her to a regular daily class so she can't quit early. Make it fun for her by taking her out for coffee or dinner afterward at first, until it becomes a habit. You'll see her body change with the combination of strength training, flexibility, and balance required for an hour-long class.


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## NextTimeAround

GuyInColorado said:


> Don't listen to me,* I divorced my overweight wife and found a much hotter one to replace her. But I had many other issues and I flat out hated her and prayed to God/Allah to kill her with a heart attack every day.*
> 
> You definitely should be working out, bulk up. You also need to talk to her. If she fails to shed the weight, then you are ready to find another mate.
> 
> People gain weight because they are using food to cope with an issue. She needs to find the root of the problem and address it.



Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut :scratchhead:?

This is cray cray.


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## Lady1010

I am dealing with this issue with my husband.

When I first met him, he had lost a good chunk and still had about 20something pounds to go. But instead, since then, he has gained weight. At this point, he's about 40lbs overweight bordering on obese.

We have been married for less than a year and I am bothered to the degree of having a drink to bring down my anxiety because of his weight. I dont generally drink, so not being able to control my anxiety is saying something about me.

I have seen looks on friends and acquaintances faces when they see him/his pictures. That breaks my heart. One person made a comment about it too. I shut the person down because no one has the right to make those comments about my husband. But his weight, and peoples responses bother me.

My last conversation with him was very serious about it. I told him this was a very difficult topic to approach, and I didn't intend to hurt his feelings. I told him how his weight does not look good on him and that it would be good for him, me and us if we made it a priority. I offered to pay for personal training sessions, because I know it's not that easy to know exactly what to do, so if you have someone guiding you, it takes the guess work out. He agreed.

It is important enough for me and my mental health to spend that money. I would do the same for myself if I gained a significant amount. 

He did make some guilt inducing comments. But I decided to let it go, because he was willing to act on it. But I will not feel bad for wanting to be with a fit/healthy partner. I do hate how this can hurt his feelings, and I try to show him that I love him nonetheless for everything that he is. I make a point to continue to be sexual so he knows that he's loved and cared for. 

It's a lot of swallowing your feelings for the greater good.


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## Shiksa

You said you would work out with your wife, but then went on to criticize how she did it, that you could walk faster than she could jog. Were you encourage when you went together or did you keep pushing like it wasn't good enough? You have to be encouraging and make it fun or she will give up. Starting out an excercise program when you are out of shape and overweight is really hard. Congratulate her on baby steps. It is much harder for women to lose weight, especially if she is on BC. (At least is was for me!)


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## katiecrna

I think that you should focus on the health aspect of it and be honest with her because it's less offensive than saying your fat and unattractive.

Honey I love you and I want you around for a long time. But I can't help but notice how unhealthy you are and your lazy! It's a very unattractive trait to be lazy. 

Come at her from that perspective. And honestly I am very into health, I couldn't be with someone who didn't value their health so I understand your frustration. She is still very young and shouldn't be that over weight. You need to nip this in the butt asap or else it will get worse. Be blunt with her. Like really blunt. Just don't tell her your not attracted to her.


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## jld

@katiecrna

'Nip in the bud' - the meaning and origin of this phrase


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## WorkingOnMe

What does her mom weigh?


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## Andy1001

If she is as overweight as you are implying then it may actually be painful for her to jog with you.Jogging is very severe,on the knees especially. Also if she is self conscious about her weight then forcing her to go jogging or to go to a gym will not work.
You need to start slowly and get the idea into her head that exercise doesn't have to hurt and can be enjoyable if done correctly.Start by going for a walk each day,don't go to far at first but gradually increase the distance and the pace.Do not be an ******* about this,your wife will not be able to walk as far or as fast as you so do not criticise her either verbally or just by your body language.If you want to exercise harder yourself,carry a rucksack with something heavy inside it.When she sees an improvement in her fitness and maybe some weight loss then this will encourage her to carry on.This is a slow process,she didn't gain the weight overnight and she won't lose it overnight either.Even a one pound weekly weight loss will soon male a difference.
One tip for walking is to take a bus journey a couple of miles and walk home.


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## rockon

WorkingOnMe said:


> What does her mom weigh?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Funny you mention this. My dad told me at a young age that if you want to see what a GF will look like in later years, just look at her mom.

I'm amazed how accurate that is.


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## katiecrna

jld said:


> @katiecrna
> 
> 
> 
> 'Nip in the bud' - the meaning and origin of this phrase




Nip in the bloom is going to be my new saying.


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## Andy1001

jld said:


> @katiecrna
> 
> 'Nip in the bud' - the meaning and origin of this phrase


Mr pedantic here.This saying is actually a slang version of Shakespeare's line from Julius Caesar,spoken by Brutus.They are discussing Caesar,who they thought was likely to be a tyrant even though he hadn't shown any inclination at that stage.
And therefore think of him as a serpents egg
Which hatch'd would as his kind grow mischievous.
And kill him in the shell.


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## StuckInLove

Sorry I haven't been back in a while. There's good reason for it though. I feel like I have started to work this all out on my own. I can't quite describe it, but something clicked and I feel like I'm being bothered by her weight less and less. Don't get me wrong, I still hope and pray that she is able to lose some of it, but the resentful feelings have almost completely vanished. I can't say what actually has changed, but I find myself thinking more about how lucky I am to have such an amazing person as my wife. It not only has lifted my anxieties about this whole thing, but has even increased my physical desire for her. Since I started this thread, we have been having amazing sex almost every day, and it re-fuels the fire every time. I even woke her up for sex this morning before work, something I pretty much never do, and she's usually too tired at that point as well. She woke right up, ready to go, and I'm still glowing on it. 

I think I simply need to continue on this path of positivity and faith. She is an incredible woman and I married her for a reason. She is my best friend in the universe and I know the feeling is mutual. No marriage is perfect, and I'm lucky to be in the one I'm in. 

Thank you again for all your help!


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## jb02157

StuckInLove said:


> Even though we've talked, argued, fought, screamed, yelled and cried about the issue for years, the best results I've gotten is she finally improved her diet and start doing a little "work out" video here and there, usually conveniently before I get home from work.  Knowing her, the instant she gets her heart rate up, she stops and says she "worked out". I try to jog with her and she makes it two blocks and basically gives up. Like I said, I'm trying not to focus on these details and am having faith she'll get there, but need help not being so resentful about it.


So she doesn't work? I think that's part of the problem. Make her get a job where she's required to move around alot and make her contribute to your income together. That will keep her away from junk food she doesn't need at home.


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## Mr. Nail

Well, I'd rather have a fat happy wife than a skinny *****. But here is the thing, we have both been improving our physical fitness at 50. But we take different approaches at it. She is a consistent walker. I've been working a varied workout of distance swimming, HIIT, Weights, and rowing. Hiking season is finally here and all of that endurance we have been working on should be paying off. But I walk too fast, the hills are too steep, The trails too long. In short I'd rather just go alone, risks and all. The real trouble with that is not that she would miss the hikes, but that I don't stop and take pictures, so she can't share the adventure. Other than that she is perfectly happy to walk on the treadmill and read.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Vinnydee said:


> "Truly in love" and not attracted to your wife due to her weight, seems at odds.


That's not necessarily true. They say love is 'blind' but it's really not. Not when you're back down in reality living day to day and no longer have stars in your eyes.


> My dad told me at a young age that if you want to see what a GF will look like in later years, just look at her mom.


I find this advice quite comical because I always say, men DON'T own mirrors. They stupidly think they look exactly the same as they did 30 years ago. LMAO!!

As _*if*_.

I've recently seen a couple of my old flames in the last couple of years, and they look like hell. One was a good looking guy back in the 90's, muscular and not an ounce of fat on his body. I bumped into him at the doctor's office a month ago and it was a horror show. Bald on top, round gut, unattractive as hell. Saw my ex-husband a couple of months ago - he's gray, haggard looking, horribly overweight and very unhealthy.

So MY advice (if I had a daughter) would be to look at the most hideous man out on the street and THAT will be what her boyfriend/husband will look like in 30 years.

Trust me - it goes BOTH ways.

OP, I think you know you're not magically going to instill in her a desire to slim down. If it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to. I know you resent her as you feel she's depriving you of having a mate you want to be attracted to. I get it, I really do. i guess her complacency and pure laziness TRUMPS whatever bad feelings she night have for depriving you of that.

I think you need to let her know how you truly feel.

Stop with the nonsense of being the exercise police or always asking her to work out with you. That's ridiculous and as you can see, it's not working. Just tell her and be done with it.


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## colingrant

I've tried looking the best I can be and have shared my gains in doing so. Lost 10 lbs. going from 203 to as low as 191. I think she's starting to get it as she's starting a diet on Friday. My wife went from 130lbs when I meat her to 200lbs. Maybe 205 even. I always tell her my weight so that she can see she outweighs me and I'm 5 inches taller. I'm in the same boat though. My wife looks pregnant at times. Not good!


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## sokillme

StuckInLove said:


> I am EXTREMELY good to her, so I honestly feel like she has no motivation or urgency to correct the problem because, well, she's getting everything she wants already


This may be part of your problem, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, you're her Husband not her Father. This kind of adult/child relationship leads to all kinds of problems. Loss of respect, the doated on spouse getting entitled. Part of being a good spouse is helping your spouse get the best out of their life, not making sure their every wish is met. 

Besides this, what is the problem that she no longer cares at all about your attraction to her. Is she just taking you for granted? Have you said that? It's not right, this is the same kind of thing as the husbands who expect their wife to slave over them. No one should take anyone for granted in their marriage.


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## Diana7

GuyInColorado said:


> Don't listen to me, I divorced my overweight wife and found a much hotter one to replace her. But I had many other issues and I flat out hated her and prayed to God/Allah to kill her with a heart attack every day.
> 
> You definitely should be working out, bulk up. You also need to talk to her. If she fails to shed the weight, then you are ready to find another mate.
> 
> People gain weight because they are using food to cope with an issue. She needs to find the root of the problem and address it.


That will not work and its very cruel. If we all divorced because our spouses didn't look as they did when we met there would be no marriages left.


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## Diana7

StuckInLove said:


> Sorry I haven't been back in a while. There's good reason for it though. I feel like I have started to work this all out on my own. I can't quite describe it, but something clicked and I feel like I'm being bothered by her weight less and less. Don't get me wrong, I still hope and pray that she is able to lose some of it, but the resentful feelings have almost completely vanished. I can't say what actually has changed, but I find myself thinking more about how lucky I am to have such an amazing person as my wife. It not only has lifted my anxieties about this whole thing, but has even increased my physical desire for her. Since I started this thread, we have been having amazing sex almost every day, and it re-fuels the fire every time. I even woke her up for sex this morning before work, something I pretty much never do, and she's usually too tired at that point as well. She woke right up, ready to go, and I'm still glowing on it.
> 
> I think I simply need to continue on this path of positivity and faith. She is an incredible woman and I married her for a reason. She is my best friend in the universe and I know the feeling is mutual. No marriage is perfect, and I'm lucky to be in the one I'm in.
> 
> Thank you again for all your help!


Brilliant. My advise was going to be that you stop looking at other women, stop comparing her and be thankful for all the many goods thing about her. 
So glad to hear that things are better. Sex does help the emotional bond.


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## Diana7

rockon said:


> Funny you mention this. My dad told me at a young age that if you want to see what a GF will look like in later years, just look at her mom.
> 
> I'm amazed how accurate that is.


Actually its not, many women are more like their dads side of the family. I dont look much like my mum at all.


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## Diana7

Lady1010 said:


> I am dealing with this issue with my husband.
> 
> When I first met him, he had lost a good chunk and still had about 20something pounds to go. But instead, since then, he has gained weight. At this point, he's about 40lbs overweight bordering on obese.
> 
> We have been married for less than a year and I am bothered to the degree of having a drink to bring down my anxiety because of his weight. I dont generally drink, so not being able to control my anxiety is saying something about me.
> 
> I have seen looks on friends and acquaintances faces when they see him/his pictures. That breaks my heart. One person made a comment about it too. I shut the person down because no one has the right to make those comments about my husband. But his weight, and peoples responses bother me.
> 
> My last conversation with him was very serious about it. I told him this was a very difficult topic to approach, and I didn't intend to hurt his feelings. I told him how his weight does not look good on him and that it would be good for him, me and us if we made it a priority. I offered to pay for personal training sessions, because I know it's not that easy to know exactly what to do, so if you have someone guiding you, it takes the guess work out. He agreed.
> 
> It is important enough for me and my mental health to spend that money. I would do the same for myself if I gained a significant amount.
> 
> He did make some guilt inducing comments. But I decided to let it go, because he was willing to act on it. But I will not feel bad for wanting to be with a fit/healthy partner. I do hate how this can hurt his feelings, and I try to show him that I love him nonetheless for everything that he is. I make a point to continue to be sexual so he knows that he's loved and cared for.
> 
> It's a lot of swallowing your feelings for the greater good.


So he is eating too much and you are drinking too much. How is one better or worse than the other? They are both harmful to our bodies.


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## SpinyNorman

StuckInLove said:


> Sorry I haven't been back in a while. There's good reason for it though. I feel like I have started to work this all out on my own. I can't quite describe it, but something clicked and I feel like I'm being bothered by her weight less and less. Don't get me wrong, I still hope and pray that she is able to lose some of it, but the resentful feelings have almost completely vanished. I can't say what actually has changed, but I find myself thinking more about how lucky I am to have such an amazing person as my wife. It not only has lifted my anxieties about this whole thing, but has even increased my physical desire for her. Since I started this thread, we have been having amazing sex almost every day, and it re-fuels the fire every time. I even woke her up for sex this morning before work, something I pretty much never do, and she's usually too tired at that point as well. She woke right up, ready to go, and I'm still glowing on it.
> 
> I think I simply need to continue on this path of positivity and faith. She is an incredible woman and I married her for a reason. She is my best friend in the universe and I know the feeling is mutual. No marriage is perfect, and I'm lucky to be in the one I'm in.
> 
> Thank you again for all your help!


Sorry to have missed this thread the first time around and only noticed it now. 

I am seriously impressed w/ your introspection and honesty, and your ability to look past your own wants. We get married looking forward to things like making our home and taking vacations together, but all all sorts of other things come up and the challenge is to find a way to be a partner through all of it.

No one hopes their spouse becomes less attractive, and most of us don't want our spouse to lose libido. But if you look at some statistics, many (especially women) battle obesity as they age and few of them really beat it. Libido often suffers in long-term relationships and for women menopause can be a big factor. It is easy to look at your spouse as a "service provider" and get mad when this happens, but if you look at her as a person who is struggling w/ real problems it can make you closer. 

I think you knew all of this, just wanted to say, good for you.


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