# Just wandering?



## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Do men really like passive women more than outspoken ones?

My husband has always known me to be a highly ambitious and outspoken type of woman. In fact, because he was more passive, my aggressive nature was attractive to him, and somewhat of a turn on.

However, as we have gotten older, he appears to be irritated by my opinions if they differ with his. As long as I am by his side, agreeing with everything he saids, including the subtle digs he makes at me, then, he's on top of the world. The moment I challenge him, he unravels.

Yet, he does not consider himself a traditional guy. Outside of our relationship, he is agreeable to everyone. It's almost like he has to overcompensate with bravado and egotism when he is home because he is so passive and agreeable outside of home.

Any suggestions or insights?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Men are all different and will like all kinds of different women. I certainly like a woman who has her own mind and thoughts, can accomplish things without me doing them for her, stand on her own two feet and so on. I want a partner in life not a subservient. 

What's interesting though, and stood you out to me, is you said when you "challenge him". What does that mean? Are you meaning you simply disagree with him or are you belittling his opinion on something to feel superior.  This is a tactic of an emotional abuser and both men and women do this. If you are doing the latter then his change in behavior chould be that he has simply had enough of the BS.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

B-you said:


> As long as I am by his side, agreeing with everything he saids, including the subtle digs he makes at me, then, he's on top of the world. The moment I challenge him, he unravels.


I sense an undercurrent of conflict here. What is it about the home relationship that is making him aggressive. It looks like he is trying to prove something. Is he insecure in the relationship?

Let me restate that. He is insecure. He is trying to assert control in unhealthy ways because he doesn't have a better method. There are two things you should be thinking about. 1 Why does he feel insecure in his relationship with you? and 2 Can he find better ways to get security?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I enjoy good discussion in both men and women. There is a fine line though between disagreeing with someone and dismissing their views. Is it possible that he misinterprets your thoughts?


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

No, I wouldn't say my tone is belittling, yet I will admit that I am firm.

My husband can be a very indecisive person. Most of the time, I support his decision, after the grueling hour I spent watching him make it, but after so much time has been wasted, it can be frustrating. For example we decided to get takeout from a new restaurant a couple of weeks ago, so I told him I would go get it because I knew he was tired. I insisted. He politely and emphatically declined my offer and even gave a specific time that he would leave and get it -6p because the place closed at 7.

Well, 5:45 rolls around and I don't say a word; by 6:55, I was livid. I asked him why he just couldn't say that he was too tired to go. I told him I even offered to go and he refused. I was hungry and tired after doing things around the house all day and I was ready for a nice dinner. He could hear frustration in my tone, but not disrespect of any kind. Instead, when I questioned him, he said , you act like I did this on purpose. Really, he continued, I don't even have an appetite anymore, I think I will just get something at the house. He further went on to say that I acted like that was on the only restaurant on the planet and he was offering to go get me something now, so why am I complaining.

What? Are you serious?

To me, that's BS and a total waste of time and energy which we could be usingfor other things.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I like outspoken women and am rapidly bored by passive ones. 

That being said, my wife pisses me off a lot. 

What are you going to do? I'd rather be mad than bored.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

B-you said:


> No, I wouldn't say my tone is belittling, yet I will admit that I am firm.
> 
> My husband can be a very indecisive person. Most of the time, I support his decision, after the grueling hour I spent watching him make it, but after so much time has been wasted, it can be frustrating. For example we decided to get takeout from a new restaurant a couple of weeks ago, so I told him I would go get it because I knew he was tired. I insisted. He politely and emphatically declined my offer and even gave a specific time that he would leave and get it -6p because the place closed at 7.
> 
> ...


You're going to have that kind of a fight over take out?

At 6:01 my wife would have left to get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> I sense an undercurrent of conflict here. What is it about the home relationship that is making him aggressive. It looks like he is trying to prove something. Is he insecure in the relationship?
> 
> Let me restate that. He is insecure. He is trying to assert control in unhealthy ways because he doesn't have a better method. There are two things you should be thinking about. 1 Why does he feel insecure in his relationship with you? and 2 Can he find better ways to get security?


Mr. Nail,

I think you raise some interesting points. However, I think he is insecure because he is a passive person. Outsiders take advantage of his kindness, so he tries to overcompensate in our home. He does things just for the sake of it (controlling remote, throwing things away without asking, taking his time when I ask him yo do things) Meanwhile, he knows I'm not a pushover. However, if I don't agree with everything he does or say, then I'm being difficult or I have to be in control. Why do I have to be in control because I simply have an opinion that might be different from his?


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I enjoy good discussion in both men and women. There is a fine line though between disagreeing with someone and dismissing their views. Is it possible that he misinterprets your thoughts?


He could possibly be misinterpreting my thoughts, but I am usually very clear about my feelings. Because I know how he responds, I usually temper these type of conversations by telling my H that I'm confused or hurt....I try to focus strictly on how and feel and not what he did.

I personally believe his mom spoiled him. She always believed and accepted everything he said and gave him everything he wanted. He now expects me to do the same. 

I will always be willing to please my H, but there is a BIG difference between pleasing and appeasing.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

marduk said:


> I like outspoken women and am rapidly bored by passive ones.
> 
> That being said, my wife pisses me off a lot.
> 
> ...


I agree. 

His passivity is annoying, but I will continue to search for an ideal solution that will help us.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

marduk said:


> You're going to have that kind of a fight over take out?
> 
> At 6:01 my wife would have left to get it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I could have, but if he said he was going to do it - mean what you say and say what you mean.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

But, it is with you that he is trying to get control not with outsiders. You could be right he may be compensating for outside frustration, I think it is more likely that security with you is much more important to him. I''d recommend this book. reconnecting You will get better results if you read it together. Also it is not the insecurity that is the problem, it is the behaviors connected to the insecurity. I'm pretty sure your actions / words aren't helping either.
MN


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

B-you said:


> Do men really like passive women more than outspoken ones?
> 
> My husband has always known me to be a highly ambitious and outspoken type of woman. In fact, because he was more passive, my aggressive nature was attractive to him, and somewhat of a turn on.
> 
> ...


Maybe your strength and assertiveness frighten him or make him doubt himself. Personally I love a strong, opinionated and assertive lady. Keeps me on my toes. That is the first thing that made me notice and then fall in love with my STBX WW.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

B-you said:


> Do men really like passive women more than outspoken ones?
> 
> My husband has always known me to be a highly ambitious and outspoken type of woman. In fact, because he was more passive, my aggressive nature was attractive to him, and somewhat of a turn on.
> 
> ...


I can speak about this from my wife's POV, and we've recently had a discussion about this very subject.

Long story short, my wife likes to be challenged, including (or especially) when it comes to us, and our relationship. This is, apparently, something she's never had before. As she's quite stubborn (and knows it!) she actually really likes that I don't just roll over and say "yes dear". This is something she says she's never had in a relationship before, and a huge reason why other relationships ended.

This translates into other areas of our marriage, as well. She fancies herself a strong, independent woman (which she is) but she doesn't want to dominate her partner. That's not attractive, I suppose. What she wants is a good balance. With other partners, she either completely dominated them, or the exact opposite. The guy would either become a "yes dear" type, or a "do whatever he wants" type. Neither of which work for her.

A great example is sex - on the outside, she wants to control it. The when, the where, the how. But, in actuality, she really DOESN'T want that at all. I've learned to be more dominant than I used to be, and it yields good results.

So, like many women, there's a push/pull dynamic going on. Be assertive, but also enjoy giving up control from time to time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Strong and opinionated partners sound interesting until you have to live with them for a few decades.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
what sort of conversations? I had bee more imagining politics, but this sounds like relationship issues. 

Depending on how you interact, saying you are hurt, can very much hurt him. I can deal with pretty much anything in life except for thinking that my wife is unhappy - especially if I can't figure out how to fix it. 





B-you said:


> He could possibly be misinterpreting my thoughts, but I am usually very clear about my feelings. Because I know how he responds, I usually temper these type of conversations by telling my H that I'm confused or hurt....I try to focus strictly on how and feel and not what he did.
> 
> I personally believe his mom spoiled him. She always believed and accepted everything he said and gave him everything he wanted. He now expects me to do the same.
> 
> I will always be willing to please my H, but there is a BIG difference between pleasing and appeasing.


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