# Wife left recently



## iaschneider5

I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me. 

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her. 

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake. 

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault. 

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work. 

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on. 

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me. 

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it. 

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying. 

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me. 

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do? 

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on. 

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll. 

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it. 

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back. 

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that. 
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind. 

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.


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## iaschneider5

Also I think because of everything she is going through I think it adds to the feelings she has towards me. Maybe its not true but between injuries and diseases and just life in general I think maybe it magnifies things and feelings towards me. Maybe Im wrong but I hope Im not. 

Some of her coworkers say horrible things about her and other women there sexual comments and in some cases there is one or 2 of the guys that comments on her medical status. Making fun of her issues and the fact that she has a handicap parking permit because of it. She has talked to many people about it and then it gets better then they start up again. Next step is to go above someone but either way I think that adds to it and that's not something I can control or that I see as my fault. Its something that angers me and something I wanna be there to help her with.


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## EleGirl

Welcome to TAM. But sorry that you are going through a hard time.

It sounds like you do not have a friends or family who you can rely on for emotional support. Is that right?

Have you considered counseling for both of your, or at least for yourself?


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## EleGirl

iaschneider5 said:


> Also I think because of everything she is going through I think it adds to the feelings she has towards me. Maybe its not true but between injuries and diseases and just life in general I think maybe it magnifies things and feelings towards me. Maybe Im wrong but I hope Im not.
> 
> Some of her coworkers say horrible things about her and other women there sexual comments and in some cases there is one or 2 of the guys that comments on her medical status. Making fun of her issues and the fact that she has a handicap parking permit because of it. She has talked to many people about it and then it gets better then they start up again. Next step is to go above someone but either way I think that adds to it and that's not something I can control or that I see as my fault. Its something that angers me and something I wanna be there to help her with.


What sort of work does your wife do? If that's going on at her work, it's completely unacceptable.


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## iaschneider5

EleGirl said:


> Welcome to TAM. But sorry that you are going through a hard time.
> 
> It sounds like you do not have a friends or family who you can rely on for emotional support. Is that right?
> 
> Have you considered counseling for both of your, or at least for yourself?



Thank you. I do know lots of people but due to my injuries i have chosen not to talk to any of them in a long time and I wouldn't know where to start anyway. I do have my mom and dad but I don't think ill go the route either. If you can't tell i I have a hard time opening up to people. My wife is the first person ive opened up to and that hasn't seemed to help.

I have considered reaching out to someone and will be looking into it. I have asked her if she would consider it and she said she doesn't think it would help. I would have at least would have liked to try.


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## aquarius1

While I understand that you are 50% responsible for what has happened in the relationship, she is 100% responsible for cheating.
Cheaters don't cheat because you didn't do something right or perfectly. They cheat because they are cheaters.
Please don't buy that ********. She is trying to blame you for her actions.

Others will give you better advice but you need to stop trying to be perfect. You will never be perfect enough for a cheater. There will always be some excuse. She has no personal boundaries.

What she is experiencing at work is bullying and workplace harassment. She has to report it to a superior at work or the Labour board.


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## iaschneider5

EleGirl said:


> What sort of work does your wife do? If that's going on at her work, it's completely unacceptable.


She works for the post office. And yes its horrible its usually just the same 2 people and they get spoken to and its good for while but then starts up again. She has told me if it happens again she will file something against the 1 guy who does it the most. The other one just kinda joins in or just takes things to far when other people are joking around. I spoke to her for over an hour today on the phone while she was working and she told me he hasn't even said anything to her in over a week. 

I agree its unacceptable and its given me anxiety over it because I can't do anything. I do think that mixed with medical issues take part in all the things she's feeling but i could be wrong.


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## iaschneider5

aquarius1 said:


> While I understand that you are 50% responsible for what has happened in the relationship, she is 100% responsible for cheating.
> Cheaters don't cheat because you didn't do something right or perfectly. They cheat because they are cheaters.
> Please don't buy that bullsh*t. She is trying to blame you for her actions.
> 
> Others will give you better advice but you need to stop trying to be perfect. You will never be perfect enough for a cheater. There will always be some excuse. She has no personal boundaries.
> 
> What she is experiencing at work is bullying and workplace harassment. She has to report it to a superior at work or the Labour board.


She never blamed me for cheating but for how I acted because of it. I can accept some of that blame but she also wasn't very good at talking to me so I don't think that helped. Its my fault that I never tried to talk to her about it right away. I choose to try let it go and I shouldn't have. 

That was years ago and since i found out about the texting relationship we did talk about it. That relationship hurt me given that she was talking to him instead of me but I tried to understand. I thought I was doing better that's for sure. I can't help the fact that If I ask her if she's happy and she says yes but is lying to me, and the feelings that go along with it.


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## iaschneider5

And yes its workplace harassment but she says she is dealing with it. I just can't help but think that is having an effect on her feelings towards me or her feelings overall.


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## Tilted 1

[


iaschneider5 said:


> Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.


Sir, l see your other post about wanting to take some blame. Not a good thing to do. If bad enough she should have divorce you. But above is a possibility if the lack of intimacy, not assertive enough, even here amoug us here already apologizing for writing your hurt. You must change your attitude. To passive and not being yourself.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.
> 
> My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her. I think you see now how big of a mistake it was to accept her and her kids after her cheating, especially since it looks like you rug-swept.
> 
> Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. just to make sure, did you DNA test?This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake. Yup HUGE mistake.
> 
> Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault. After what she did with a co-worker, she NEVER should have gone out with them without you. EVER.
> 
> I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work. Doesn't matter, she should NOT have been going out with them, especially if guys were making comments about her (as you mention below)
> 
> Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on. YOU should be going to counseling to find out why you rug-swept and accepted this so easily.
> You sound a bit like a KISA.
> 
> About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry !!!?? WHY NOT ??? You already knew she cheated on you, and here she was doing it again????? I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Yeah, because you might have realized she was cheating again. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me. BS -- she was cheating -- at LEAST an EA. Age didn't matter, you should never have accepted this.
> 
> My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it. So she won't open up to YOU but is ok opening up to an "elderly gentleman" and her co-worker??? BS again. She is BSing you -- and you need t realize it.
> 
> After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Again, BS -- she remembers EVERYTHING about it, but just doesn't want you to be pissed even more when you find out what she did, how frequently, etc.. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.
> 
> I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me. Are you 100% sure everything is over? I'm guessing she is using the head injury as an excuse and just went further underground.
> 
> I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?
> 
> The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.
> 
> BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. WHY? Because she is still worried about her OM.Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her Oh boo hoo --- SHE is the one who cheated, and just wanted you to accept it and shut up/not talk about it. Tough for her. and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. How could you let it go -- you rug swept and never got details/etc to get past it. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.
> 
> I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.
> 
> For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back. What you did was wrong, but she had a PA with a co-worker, NEVER worked with you to get past that, and NOW she's hurt?
> She is just using this as an excuse to make YOU look like the bad guy for breaking up.
> 
> That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. Document all of the time that you have the kids vs her -- you will need it for custody arrangements. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.
> 
> I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
> And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.
> 
> Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.


I really think that she is manipulating you -- you rug swept the first cheating, and I would not be surprised if she is cheating again -- look at her phone if you can (without her knowing) -- look at your phone records, etc.. I think you are being played here.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> I really think that she is manipulating you -- you rug swept the first cheating, and I would not be surprised if she is cheating again -- look at her phone if you can (without her knowing) -- look at your phone records, etc.. I think you are being played here.


Idk about manipulating me I mean besides the issues i have said here we have had a pretty good life and some good times. Lots of factors here of course. Yes I swept it under the rug which was a mistake that's for sure. She currently doesn't live here anymore so I can't look at her phone if I wanted to and she deletes her messages, we both do discovered a few years back our phones run quicker when not clogged with so many messages. Idk about being played either but i def feel like she is putting all the blame on me and I'm sure talking to her friends and listening to what they say but 
of course with only one side of the story. 

DNA test... Not needed my child without a doubt. But to add I found out she cheated about 1 to 2 months after it happened. She didn't tell me I suspected something and went in her phone. The messages were there and he was trying again and saying lots of things. From what she did tell me and what I saw it happened once and was very quick. Not that makes a difference or anything. 


I do agree with you to some point on going out with coworkers but I am also not trying to be controlling but i did let my thoughts about it be heard. If she did go out it was with a large group of them but I did struggle with it and usually wasn't very nice about it. 
The cheating happened on a lunch break he had met up with her for it and it was just them. 

The comments i mean are from usually the same 2 people and the stuff they say about her is mostly about her disability status and making fun of her. The sexual stuff the say is towards other girls who usually arnt there so I'm sure they say stuff like that about her when she's not there. They are both older one is over 60 and one is nearing and they are just loud mouths but of it shouldn't happen. Of course some of the girls like the attention so that doesn't help things. 

I am considering taking to someone no matter what. In terms of why I accepted it so easily I guess all it love. we wanted to move on together. Is what it is at this point. 


I understand that she was having an emotional relationship with this man and I don't believe it to be sexual and I know she is doing it again now that she has left. It did hurt. I told her it did she doesn't accept the the fact that it is a relationship but she did stop and we tried to move on and at that point I was trying to be more open towards her and she said she wasn't doing the same but I guess I was wrong there. 

The lack of sex was originally because of all the medical issues she was having and we did talk about it. She has back injury, Hip injury which was the major factor at that point, neck injury and then got Diagnosed with RA. It was defiantly a rough time but as time went on I suspected something else was going on and she did try to be a bit more intimate with me but still had no desire for sex. 


I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been. She has sat and listened to me and she has given me some feedback which leads me to believe she still wants us to figure out how to make it work but she has said multiple times said that she's not sure if she wants this and has also said maybe with time. She has never used my injuries as a reason for anything. I have to some extent because I do forget things and when she would come at me with a bunch of stuff built up over time I wouldn't remember some of it and have said to her that I don't believe I said that or maybe it was supposed to be a joke but its tough to communicate that way in general. Told her multiple times needs to happen at the time there is an issue. She acknowledges that she holds things back or ignores them and hopes they go away which is a problem. 

The cheating happened little over 4 years ago now.. The emotional relationship with the older man was about 5 or 6 months ago.


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## MattMatt

She cheats, you're just supposed to suck it up, she has a emotional relationship, and the answer is "So what? Get over it, already!"

You have an emotional relationship and it's...










That's not to say your emotional affair wasn't wrong. It was, but you each need to accept responsibility for what you did as a husband or a wife.

I would suggest counselling. Is any available through work or a trade union? (Obviously keeping the older man out of the equation.)


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## SunCMars

She found it all.

She found love with another man, a co-worker.
She found a friend in an old gent.

She got crushed in the process.
She won nothing but pain and rheumatoid arthritis.
She earned hatred from her co-workers.

Her karma followed her around doing its quick, tit-for-tat.
I suspect (having suspicions) that the Karma came first, her late actions happening after the fact.

All these actions, the reactions and pain come from a common source, a common thread.
One outside both of your combined control....as so witnessed.
Those strings, while not visible, they are present, they do effect motion, thought and action.

You were merely a witness, a bystander to her slow, painful demise,

Fate is, has dismissed her.

I feel sorry for her, and sorrier for you.

This whole marital drama was a smash-hit.
She got smashed, you got hit.

Aw, let her go, it will only get worse. I promise you this.
How, could I not?




QN/KB-


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## iaschneider5

Well to be fair to her i choose to not talk about the cheating given everything that was going on. She didn't ask me to but i just wanted to move on but I see that was a mistake now and i was a jerk about it at times or made comments I shouldn't have about coworkers and such. Sometimes in a joking manner sometimes not but either way should have paid attention that it hurt her. As years went on I did suffer more and try to talk to her but she wanted to move on and I understand that but I needed to talk to her about it. We did eventually do it and it did help. 

When it comes to the emotional affair I highly doubt it was anything sexual i think it was more of someone to talk to (well I hope so anyway since he's almost 70!) and she did say that but she doesn't see it as an emotional affair and I did. I just tried to be understanding since she said she felt she couldn't talk to me. I said things I should have been saying to her not another girl. My wife doesnt like that kinda talk guess I just liked being able to say it without being told to stop idk

We are both going to be looking into counseling. Spoke with her tonight when she brought kids over she said she's not ready to do it together but I'm thinking maybe we should see the same one just separate for now. The therapy is covered under insurance. I did ask her if she still had any thoughts of us working out and she said she didn't know which is the answer I get out of for everything but it wasn't a no. I think our marriage is worth saving. We both made some mistakes of course. Maybe I shouldn't try to idk


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Idk about manipulating me I mean besides the issues i have said here we have had a pretty good life and some good times. Lots of factors here of course. Yes I swept it under the rug which was a mistake that's for sure. She currently doesn't live here anymore so I can't look at her phone if I wanted to and she deletes her messages, we both do discovered a few years back our phones run quicker when not clogged with so many messages. Idk about being played either but i def feel like she is putting all the blame on me and I'm sure talking to her friends and listening to what they say but
> of course with only one side of the story.
> 
> DNA test... Not needed my child without a doubt. But to add I found out she cheated about 1 to 2 months after it happened. She didn't tell me I suspected something and went in her phone. The messages were there and he was trying again and saying lots of things. From what she did tell me and what I saw it happened once and was very quick. Not that makes a difference or anything.
> 
> 
> I do agree with you to some point on going out with coworkers but I am also not trying to be controlling but i did let my thoughts about it be heard. If she did go out it was with a large group of them but I did struggle with it and usually wasn't very nice about it.
> The cheating happened on a lunch break he had met up with her for it and it was just them.
> 
> The comments i mean are from usually the same 2 people and the stuff they say about her is mostly about her disability status and making fun of her. The sexual stuff the say is towards other girls who usually arnt there so I'm sure they say stuff like that about her when she's not there. They are both older one is over 60 and one is nearing and they are just loud mouths but of it shouldn't happen. Of course some of the girls like the attention so that doesn't help things.
> 
> I am considering taking to someone no matter what. In terms of why I accepted it so easily I guess all it love. we wanted to move on together. Is what it is at this point.
> 
> 
> I understand that she was having an emotional relationship with this man and I don't believe it to be sexual and I know she is doing it again now that she has left. It did hurt. I told her it did she doesn't accept the the fact that it is a relationship but she did stop and we tried to move on and at that point I was trying to be more open towards her and she said she wasn't doing the same but I guess I was wrong there.
> 
> The lack of sex was originally because of all the medical issues she was having and we did talk about it. She has back injury, Hip injury which was the major factor at that point, neck injury and then got Diagnosed with RA. It was defiantly a rough time but as time went on I suspected something else was going on and she did try to be a bit more intimate with me but still had no desire for sex.
> 
> 
> I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been. She has sat and listened to me and she has given me some feedback which leads me to believe she still wants us to figure out how to make it work but she has said multiple times said that she's not sure if she wants this and has also said maybe with time. She has never used my injuries as a reason for anything. I have to some extent because I do forget things and when she would come at me with a bunch of stuff built up over time I wouldn't remember some of it and have said to her that I don't believe I said that or maybe it was supposed to be a joke but its tough to communicate that way in general. Told her multiple times needs to happen at the time there is an issue. She acknowledges that she holds things back or ignores them and hopes they go away which is a problem.
> 
> The cheating happened little over 4 years ago now.. _*The emotional relationship with the older man was about 5 or 6 months ago.*_


BUT you just said "I know she is doing it again now that she has left. " She IS STILL having an EA at the very LEAST.
"I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been."
Why are you letting HER drive the story here? YOU need to take control of YOUR life and don't just wait in limbo until she decides something. SHE LEFT -- why, so that she can do WHATEVER with WHOEVER and not have to worry about you finding out. Why don't YOU get a plan together to make sure YOU are protected and see what Divorce will mean to your situation. Not saying you have to get divorced, but you should know all about it before SHE drops a bomb on you.


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## SunCMars

What a nice bloke, you are. 
You deserve better.

Such trouble and strife, this woman.

After she shagged the co-worker, you only got a bit nippy with her.
You should have buggered out.

She's got them loose mumbleys. 

Nah, you stayed.
Which is all good, its the missus' clanger, not your's.

Good luck!


King Brian-


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## iaschneider5

I hear what your saying and yes I know she is talking to him again about us but she never stopped talking to him it just wasn't to the degree that it was before. She said she felt she couldn't open up to me so we tried to work on it. It still hasn't gotten to the degree it was which I do know. They have had a friendship for years and he has been very helpful to her with regards to injuries and whatever else but that is his job since he is part of the union. 

I'm not trying to sit in limbo but yes I would like the relationship to continue but of course need her on board for that. She said she is going to speak to someone by herself at first and then maybe together. I would rather us work through these issues then divorce. We have discussed how it might go if we did and discussed some financial things since everything is so intertwined at the moment. 

We would both try avoid bringing lawyers into it and try to do it has nicely as possible but of course at some point it may be inevitable given that child support will come into play and its most likely her thats gonna have to pay it. 

I won't lay down if it gets to the point but for now I would like to get her back so I'm gonna try to do what i have been even prior to her leaving which is show her I'm there for her and always have been. I suggested she or we go speak to someone a few times just because of everything we have been through and she didn't want to but now she sees it needs to happen. I mean besides anything between us she has suffered a lot for a young age. Not sure if i mentioned she is 29 I am 30.


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## jlg07

Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear -- I wasn't suggesting you GO for a divorce. I was suggesting you see a few different lawyers to see WHAT would happen in a divorce, what you'd need to have together, how child custody/etc. would go in your state.
Get the information. This way YOU can plan how things go for your life, and not just wait for her to "see a therapist" by herself, and then "maybe" together. I am suggesting that you start getting plans together on how to move forward if things don't work out -- this way, you are that much ahead of the game and won't have a lot of uncertainties, because if that does happen, the emotions will be running high and this way you have concrete plans.

I know you want this to continue, but at 29 with kids, she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions. Having had an affair, and now an EA (and STILL IN THAT!!!), there need to be consequences. She has no boundaries, and doesn't respect you if she is doing this. I just want YOU to be prepared for the eventuality that she is gone.


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## iaschneider5

I understand. Thank you for the advice I will reach out to a few see what they say. Never hurts to get as much information as possible.


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## Tex X

Your wife left 3 weeks ago. Where is she living? Has she seen the kids? What is your custody arrangement right now? Does she take them every other week or have you been keeping them full time for the past 3 weeks?

I really don't like where this is going. You married a known cheater and history is repeating itself. Take the advice and seek out a good divorce attorney. And get your balls back. You've been a complete doormat and your wife hasn't had sex with you in over a year. You don't have a wife anymore, you have a roommate. Well that was until she moved out. Listen to what a person says and then watch their actions. Your wife has told you that she is done, and then she moved out. Seems pretty clear to me.


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## sa58

iaschneider5 said:


> I understand. Thank you for the advice I will reach out to a few see what they say. Never hurts to get as much information as possible.


Glad you are finally taking advice. Not trying to be
rude but you need to take care of you first. FIRST!!
Sounds like she is doing whatever she wants when she
wants. Cheating, cheating some more, talking about her
relationship to a total stranger. A stranger you don't know
and doesn't know you. Two sides to every story, that is 
what counselors are for, not strangers!!

You talked to someone and she got upset. You should talk 
to her about this. Maybe with a counselors help. To many
people involved in your marriage. Strangers!! How many people 
are in a marriage? TWO, you and her, and a good counselor could 
help. Just like the blame is not all on you !! Stop accepting it, she
is at fault also. Cheating, EA and leaving is hers alone. She should not 
expect you to just get over it. Nobody does that easily it takes a lot of
time to heal from that. 

Now that she has moved out ( her way again!! ) what about you ? 
You probably don't know who she is really seeing or talking to, or 
cheating with. Just what she is telling you and patiently 
awaiting her return. If she does ? What about the kids, seeing them
or not? You have rights and need to see a lawyer and fight for your 
self. TODAY !!

Sorry if I upset you but it seems to me your taking all of the blame
and responsibility and she is doing what ever she wants. When she wants !!
Stop doing that and take care of yourself, with her or without he in your life.

Take care of yourself, she may already be gone.


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## dadstartingover

Well, that's a lot to digest... 

I wrote a book for guys in your shoes. Give it a read:

*NOW WHAT? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce*


----------



## Casual Observer

iaschneider5 said:


> We are both going to be looking into counseling. Spoke with her tonight when she brought kids over she said she's not ready to do it together but I'm thinking maybe we should see the same one just separate for now. The therapy is covered under insurance. I did ask her if she still had any thoughts of us working out and she said she didn't know which is the answer I get out of for everything but it wasn't a no. I think our marriage is worth saving. We both made some mistakes of course. Maybe I shouldn't try to idk


I get that she was injured, which creates issues for sex. But she's only 29, it's not as if the hormones are gone, and she still seems to crave the attention of men. Just not you. So I'm not really sure what there is to be saved here? When you say it's been a year since you've had "sex" does that cover any and all types of sex? It is not normal for a man or woman your age to go completely without sex for a year and not expect really bad things down the road. You already know that she is a sexual person. She knows that you're able to put sex on the table for a year. How can that add up to anything good?


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## iaschneider5

Tex X said:


> Your wife left 3 weeks ago. Where is she living? Has she seen the kids? What is your custody arrangement right now? Does she take them every other week or have you been keeping them full time for the past 3 weeks?
> 
> I really don't like where this is going. You married a known cheater and history is repeating itself. Take the advice and seek out a good divorce attorney. And get your balls back. You've been a complete doormat and your wife hasn't had sex with you in over a year. You don't have a wife anymore, you have a roommate. Well that was until she moved out. Listen to what a person says and then watch their actions. Your wife has told you that she is done, and then she moved out. Seems pretty clear to me.




Sorry lots of missing information. Just to add in the cheating happened just over 4 years ago. It happened once and it was very quick... I still have the messages burned in my head so I know a lot about it. When I found out she didn't go back to work right away because of injures and then found out she was pregnant. The guy she cheated with left before she went back which to me was a good thing.

The talking with the union guy was about 6 months ago. He's almost 70 so I'm not worried about anything sexual there but still shouldn't have happened.

She is living with her mom for now which is about 10 minutes away. Right now I have the kids most of the week besides the night before her day off. She has also taken then on friday nights and either I pick them up on saturday if she's working or when one day they stayed with their grandmother. and she has them saturday night. Its been 3 weeks still working all that out.

Yes she cheated and I kept the relationship going after talking with her. My choice and I don't regret it besides not talking about the cheating right away. I was an ******* to her at times and made a lot of comments early on about other men and coworkers and she tolerated it and I tired to get better. Not taking blame but just saying. We have worked together to build a nice life but issues don't get talked about so this is where its at. I am not a doormat and never was I just tried to be understanding and yes constant injuries and RA diagnoses didn't help.


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## iaschneider5

One of the issues which she has acknowledged is that she lied to me a bit when I would ask her is everything ok and is she happy is this what she wants etc etc along with holding things back instead of just coming to me. She wasn't talking to me so any issues she had built up inside her. i believe its a circle. She cheated i tried to let it go and it didn't work out very well so I acted in ways towards her i shouldn't have saying stupid things or getting pissed at her for whatever reasons. 

Because of that she didn't talk to me and spoke to someone else. Because any attempts i made to talk to her didn't work I ended up talking to someone else myself and at times it got a bit graphic.... She saw some for those messages. I am pissed she left instead of talking to me after Ive tried to be understanding through a lot but I will say we have talked more lately then we have in a while. I do believe a lot of the other things she has going on are effecting her overall judgement and feelings towards me which I really can't control. 

Im not trying to take the blame for everything she def has a part in this but I shouldn't have spoke to that other girl in the way i did. Im not even interested in her just like saying those things and not being told to stop i guess. My wife doesn't like that kinda talk never did. and there was just some kissing never anything else during that year. We did have some times we were close and I would have liked it to keep going but it didn't. One time we almost had sex but of course like clockwork one of the kids woke up and the was the end of that. 

We are able to see someone through her jobs EAP which is nice and free which is better. Given a few names and we are figuring out who to see. We will start separate and then maybe together. Either to work things out or to help us both move on. Our lives will be more complicated apart of course and what sucks on my end of things I am also injured and I don't make much because I am on workers comp. I got screwed on that end of things. But we do have a good life both drive brand new cars can afford what we need and somethings we don't.. In the end I will try be as civil as I can be for the kids and of course because there is no reason to get nasty but If it does turn nasty I will not hesitate to protect myself and my interests. 

Thank you for all the replies.


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## iaschneider5

And yes I want her back still. Besides some issues we have a pretty good life and get along. But wouldn't most people at this stage? I mean whatever happens happens but right now Im willing to work it out if she's willing to admit her faults and start talking to me.. and working on the intimacy would be nice. I'm admitting my faults anyway. 

She has said before that I could go do what I want with someone else and I thought she was joking but she seemed serious and I responded with you will just leave me when I get back to which she said as long as i don't get them pregnant.... Now I see how big of an issue it would have been if I took her up on it smh


----------



## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Yes she cheated and I kept the relationship going after talking with her. My choice and I don't regret it besides not talking about the cheating right away. I was an ******* to her at times and made a lot of comments early on about other men and coworkers and she tolerated it and I tired to get better.Seems like you r comments were justified since she had an affair with a coworker, no??? EVEN WITH THIS, doesn't make cheating ok EVER, in any way. Cheating is ALL ON HER, not your fault. If it was too bad, she should have left you/Divorced, NOT CHEATED. Not taking blame but just saying. Yes, you ARE trying to take at least SOME of the blame -- STOP THAT.We have worked together to build a nice life but issues don't get talked about so this is where its at. I am not a doormat and never was I just tried to be understanding and yes constant injuries and RA diagnoses didn't help.


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## sokillme

Some people are not meant to be married. Sounds like your wife is one of them. You can't will her to be a good wife. I suspect you are not the first or the last who she will fail with.

Work on you and get to a place where you choose better next time.

I know that is not the advice you wanted, but it may be the advice you needed.


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## MattMatt

The choices you had were not real choices because they were based on the fact that she cheated on you, thus limiting your options.


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## iaschneider5

Yes Yes to a degree comments talking about coworkers and whatever ive said intentionally or not should have been expected to a degree but since I choose to try move onI should have been a bit better better about it. Like I said its a circle but yes a lot of this is caused by cheating if she never cheated most of the issues we are having now would be there. Injuries would still be there, Lack of sex maybe hard to tell. I'm going to be calling today to set up an appt to talk to someone. I should have just left when she cheated but we all make mistakes in life. No regrets now we made a family and I don't regret any of that. 


Yes I have thought many times that maybe she just isn't meant to be in long lasting relationship. Some people arnt. I enjoy it and welcome it, Maybe it's becoming to much and she was just looking for an out and what I wrote that girl was it. 

I choose to continue after the cheating after it came out but I should have never choose to not talk about it. No telling how much different things would be at this point. Maybe the ending would be the same but who knows. I can admit my mistakes and my actions I am an adult I'm not going to ignore them but she has a lot to admit as well and so far only admitting some of it. Maybe therapy will help her see its not just on me and when this marriage is over she will have to live with the mistakes and choices she's made.


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## Mybabysgotit

You need to leave this relationship ASAP. It's easy, just step out the back, jack. make a new plan, stan, no need to be coy, roy. just get yourself free.


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## sa58

iaschneider5 said:


> Yes Yes to a degree comments talking about coworkers and whatever ive said intentionally or not should have been expected to a degree but since I choose to try move onI should have been a bit better better about it. Like I said its a circle but yes a lot of this is caused by cheating if she never cheated most of the issues we are having now would be there. Injuries would still be there, Lack of sex maybe hard to tell. I'm going to be calling today to set up an appt to talk to someone. I should have just left when she cheated but we all make mistakes in life. No regrets now we made a family and I don't regret any of that.
> 
> 
> Yes I have thought many times that maybe she just isn't meant to be in long lasting relationship. Some people arnt. I enjoy it and welcome it, Maybe it's becoming to much and she was just looking for an out and what I wrote that girl was it.
> 
> I choose to continue after the cheating after it came out but I should have never choose to not talk about it. No telling how much different things would be at this point. Maybe the ending would be the same but who knows. I can admit my mistakes and my actions I am an adult I'm not going to ignore them but she has a lot to admit as well and so far only admitting some of it. Maybe therapy will help her see its not just on me and when this marriage is over she will have to live with the mistakes and choices she's made.


I doubt if she will admit she made any mistakes. She will blame you 
as much as possible most likely for everything. Cheaters do that all 
of the time. You have admitted you made mistakes, just don't let her
put everything on you. You met someone, fell in love, married them,
adopted two children, and even stayed and tried to work on things after 
cheating. Still would try if she was or is willing. What more does she expect 
from you ? 

Take care of you from now on.


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## JBTX

She is making you out to be the bad guy.

If you were such a bad guy, why would she leave the children with you a majority of the time?

She knows you have a head injury and she still holds it against you about things you say, then not remember saying them. This is not very accepting on her part of your situation and your injury. And I would question if you actually ever said all those things she says that you said. My brother has brain injuries that do affect his memory, and he can become frustrated at times and have outbursts. I can speculate, given my experience, that you have outbursts too. It’s extremely common with brain injuries and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, my brother remembers the Important things. And to me you seem like a person that is coherent and you can recollect things well from your memory. So in dealing with a loved one that has a head injury, I don’t entirely believe what your wife is saying. 

Furthermore, the fact that she has a isolated herself from her children, because work and can’t be with a person like you who cheats or goes behind her back(when she has done this more than once, regardless of marital time frame), tells me there is something deeply wrong with your wife. Both of these things are excuses. Especially when it comes to children. She’s jacked in the head. Ask me how I know… My ex-wife married the first guy that came along (actually the guy that she was cheating on me with when she left) and moved three states away, leaving the children with me. Before she made the big leap of getting married and moving, the excuses to the children why they weren’t with her more often/why she left the home were “work“ and “your father is bad to me”. And just like your wife, she ran to her mama’s house and hid there AWAY from her children with logical justification for bad choices. Additionally, she was always looking for something to make her feel happy when we were together. Romance novels. Television. Candy crush. And other meaningless fillers for life. Anything that would easily give her happiness that really wasn’t earned. Maybe this sounds familiar?

Now back to my very first question:

If you were such a bad guy, why would she leave the children with you a majority of the time? 

Is she not afraid of how your brain injuries influence your behavior and how that will affect the children(I am still speculating)? She definitely pointed things out about you to make you feel bad about your brain injury. And like I said, I know with observation the frustration that can come from having a brain injury and the outbursts that can happen. 

But here’s the deal. I don’t think you’re a bad guy. If you were really a bad guy like she says you are, those children would be with her and she would be actively keeping them away from you. But that’s not the case. Your wife is selfish. More than likely mentally unstable, seeing how she separated from her children the way that she has. That is not something that a motherly figure does. She doesn’t care about anybody but herself and what makes her feel good. Her mother is probably appalled with her, but doesn’t say anything about it to your wife, because her mom is probably not a strong woman figure. Because women raised by women that are strong don’t runaway and leave their children behinds and then seeing them occasionally. 

You’re not a bad guy, bro. You’re probably a little bit too nice and is the person to sweep things under the rug to keep the peace. But you are definitely not a bad guy if those kids are around you most the time. 

Just to be honest. I would divorce her and I wouldn’t waste time. 

Sending Love!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aquarius1

iaschneider5 said:


> And yes I want her back still. Besides some issues we have a pretty good life and get along. But wouldn't most people at this stage? I mean whatever happens happens but right now Im willing to work it out if she's willing to admit her faults and start talking to me.. and working on the intimacy would be nice. I'm admitting my faults anyway.
> 
> *She has said before that I could go do what I want with someone else and I thought she was joking but she seemed serious *and I responded with you will just leave me when I get back to which she said as long as i don't get them pregnant.... Now I see how big of an issue it would have been if I took her up on it smh


This here sir. LISTEN to her words. 

As a woman let me tell you this. If A woman says this to you it’s because she is setting you free. She herself is in a relationship and wants you to give her a reason for this to end. 

I am sorry that this has happened. But everyone is right. Your wife has left the building. A long time now.

Please stop blaming yourself for getting “pissy” and handling her affair by saying “mean” things about others. 
Goodness man, you were hurting! Men express hurt with ANGER. You had every right to be angry. The person you loved had betrayed you and the pain is HORRIBLE. The self doubt is agonizing. Your reaction was perfectly normal and acceptable.

You blame yourself for how you handled the fact that she wasn’t intimate with you but had no problem sharing herself with someone else?
She is using your head injury against you. Claiming you said or did things that you can’t remember. Cruel.

I’m hoping with the head injury that you have been investigated for depression as a common side effect. Plug into any and all assistance programs, brain rehab, talk therapy.

Your wife has it great. You watch the kids. She plays with whoever she wants and she doesn’t have to pay you a DIME. 
It’s not fair.
You honestly deserve better.


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## iaschneider5

Yes I do believe she is making me out to be the bad guy and not taking into account things that she has done. And when she does its only a little bit. She has stated that I am the issue for her emotionally and mentally. I feel the same way about her but I do think its due to the lack of communication of course. 

Yes ive had outbursts in the past but at that point I quickly apologized and to that degree she is/ was understanding. I am suffering less then I was before but the memory still gets foggy. Things prior to my injury I remember pretty much the same as anyone else but everything after I really have to think on to remember and it could take some time. Most of the time bad headaches and neck pain get in the way of thinking clearly. I have found something that helps my neck pain and that has helped me a lot with everything. 
Sometimes I have a hard time remembering the day my daughter was born or just remembering her when she was younger, It really gets to me. 

I will state while she is defianlty trying to not spend much time with me she's not isolating herself from the kids. I'm not saying that to defend her but given that she is out of the house at 7am and not back until 6pm right now since not living here seeing the kids as often isn't gonna work out. I have offered to just have her come here for dinner or just to hang out so she could see them but so far nothing. The whole situation is an adjustment for everyone of course. For example yesterday she took off of work because she has had a sinus and ear infection for almost 2 weeks and nothing is working to help it. Since she was off she got the kids after school and kept them for dinner and will be taking them tonight overnight. They are off from school today so if she stayed home today Im sure she will take them earlier. 
She loves her children and would never act like that towards them. I know hard to tell about people you don't know and I''m defending her about her leaving and what she has done to me but I don't want you to think she is a bad mother because that is one thing she is not. 

As Ive said before I think a lot of his she's feeling has to do with everything that goes on her in life, injuries, Autoimmune disease, Issues at work and the issues between us but In terms of us I think getting **** on more then I deserve. I do believe she is depressed and have suggested in the past she talk to someone but she refused. Im glad now she is willing to regardless of what happens to us. 

When I said her moms house I should have said parents. They are still together. Her mom does suffer from depression and she just shops a lot because of it. Her dad (like my wife) is passive most of the time and doesn't do much to fix the situation. Even when he does speak up it doesn't matter. They have their own set of issues to deal with. My wife worries about that as well. I try tell her not to worry so much but most people worry about their parents I do the same thing.


----------



## iaschneider5

When she told me I could find someone I was a bit surprised and didn't know what to make of it. Just to explain how it came up .

I dont remembre that exact conversation but I remember that we were talking and I was saying Id like to try get intimate and wished we could work on it. She sid she was trying which to a small degree she was, Kissing more, touching but nothing else. She said she has no desire to have sex right now to which I asked if that was just about me. She said she has no desire to have sex with anyone not just me. Not sure If I believed her or not at the tome or now even. Anyway I stated I stated Id like to keep working on it and she said she would try. I joked around and said Ill go find a girlfriend soI wouldn't have to bother her and she said go ahead whatever makes you happy. I said she makes me happy and she would probably leave if I did that and she said as long as I didn't get whoever it was pregnant. I took it all as a joke between us. 

It has come up other times maybe once or twice where maybeI fit as trying to get close to her she said I should find someone else since she doesn't wanna have sex right now. I never acted on it and never intended to... maybe I should but I had the same thought that If I did she would just use it as a reason to leave and use it to blame me for everything which is what is happening now in terms of some dirty texts. 

Yes I do feel a little upset that now she has more free time and wondering whats she's doing with it but honestly when the kids arnt here I dont know what to do with myself. I'm not as upset as I was thats she's gone of course still am but its not as bad. 

Right no there is no custody agreements or child support in place. I dont make as much money as her which was how we worked. I watched the kids and she got a career since I wasn't able to at the moment. I am wondering how it would work now when Im done with workers comp and try to find work. But I guess we will cross the bridge when we come to it. 

Right now our finances are sorta saying the same but I'm sure that will get interesting as time goes on. 

The other day we were talking on the phone just about kids and some other things and the subject of child support and all that came up if we were to divorce and such. She said that she would end up getting screwed because of child support and said maybe we should just stay together so I can keep my health Insurance ( its really good) and she wouldn't have to pay. It really pissed me off and after hanging up I collected myself and called her back later in the day and let her know. Just let her know how I felt about her saying that and that i see what was on her mind. 

I do wish she would understand that I do forget a lot. She has acknowledged it for alot of things one the course of our relationship until it seems the timing suits her....

I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety years ago due to my head/neck injury. That was prior to finding something that helped me and things have gotten better but given the past few years and current situation Im am going to talk with someone. 

Interesting fact when we first starting hanging out/ dating i was only seeing a neurologist and my pain would be unbearable at some points. I ended up going to see a spine surgeon after her mother suggested it (she had discs replaced from a car accident) and he told me more in 1 hour then the other drs did in 2 years. Led to me having a better life and actually knowing what was wrong with me. So without her that might have never happened who knows. Always gotta look at the silver lining!


----------



## iaschneider5

Sorry I know I wrote a lot just felt I should add something else that she would use against me. And She's probably right if even in the end It was only because I cared. 

So As Ive stated my wife has a few injuries and she has RA. She is a mail carrier. While she does drive she also walks. She has a few different routes. Anyway I have ate strong feeling that why she keeps having flare ups and Issues like infections that won't go away ( like she's having now) is because she over works herself. She has an 8 hour restriction but I believe its not good enough at that job. Its to demanding on her body. 

She has 1 slip and fall walking into work which led to a knee injury. Then because she was out we got into the car accident together. Would have been just me or not at al if she didn't get hurt. another slip and fall where she injured her lower back and hip. and then more recently another slip and fall walking up to someones mailbox. Hurt the same knee again. Add all that with RA and Im not very happy with the situation. I was/am always worried she going to get hurt again and next time more serious. then has been some serious injuries at her office. 

Anyway because of those facts I have tried to convince her to apply for disability retirement which she will qualify for. Means she can get paid a small amount keep her benefits and work someone else if she chooses. or not work at all. I told her she dissent have to because I can make it work given our current situation. She insisted she needs to keep working for us and I know its not true. I have defiantly been aggressive about her doing it a fact that I now regret. I have gotten nasty at some times because I would be thinking it was just because she wanted to stay in her office with the people she like and yes I said maybe your sleeping with someone there. I would say sorry but the words are still there. Just hate watching her push herself like that.

Also She has been unable to get a transfer closer to home and when 1 came up very close about 6 miles away we knew she would get denied but a lot of people on the postal forums and her union said if she calls it might help her get it. Would have been a 15 min commute vs 1 hour. I pushed her very hard to call and try but she refused. and again I said some things in reference to her coworkers and just wanting to stay there and not be close to home. I also call the guys she have lunch with her boyfriends but i dont mean it to be nasty just say it because thats the ones she's close with and they all have lunch together a lot, Women also. She calls the moms I talk to at our kids school my girlfriends its just something we say bit of course now its a bit problem!

Anyway not defending her position just adding in facts they are all out there.


----------



## notmyjamie

I hate these kinds of threads where someone gets cheated on and somehow HE's the bad guy!?!?!? I'm sorry but that's bull****. SHE cheated on you and has the gall to say that your reaction to that is not okay?? Short of actually hitting her I think you're entitled to throw some comments and anger her way. 

And NO, it's not your fault she cheated. It's hers. I have zero sympathy for someone when they cheat and blame their partner. The defect belongs to her and her alone. I lived in a sexless marriage where I knew he was gay for many years...guess what...I never cheated!!!!!!!!!!! Ever. It sucked more than I can accurately describe and I was lonely as hell but I never cheated. Why?? Because it's wrong. End.of.story. 

She's a piece of work.


----------



## JBTX

My ex-wife’s parents are still together as well. And you described her parents exactly how I would describe my ex-wife’s parents. Even down to shopping habits of her mother and passiveness of her father. I’m not kidding. If her father was not passive, but rather gentle and strong, he would not allow her to stay at that home with them and turn her away. He is a pushover and he probably always has been. The example set by her parents is how she has learned to operate in the world. I would speculate and say that her parents have suffered financial ups and downs through the years. Potentially even her mother being upset with her father for decisions that were made without her knowing. 

And what I’m really getting at here is do not be a pushover. Your children need to observe you being gentle and strong. Not passive and weak. It’s OK that you feel that you want to defend her. Eventually you will not want to do that anymore and if you are gentle and strong you will be able to do this gracefully and with dignity. It is your responsibility to be the man that your children need you to be. If you want your children to grow up to be better than you are and their mother is, then you will do this. You want to pass a torch that they can burn brighter than you did. 

I don’t believe she is a bad mother either. I do believe that there is something emotionally wrong with her and her actions from her emotional issues manifest in a way that I see and I have seen before. Until she gets herself worked out, it is your job to become gentle and strong for those kids. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

notmyjamie said:


> I hate these kinds of threads where someone gets cheated on and somehow HE's the bad guy!?!?!? I'm sorry but that's bull****. SHE cheated on you and has the gall to say that your reaction to that is not okay?? Short of actually hitting her I think you're entitled to throw some comments and anger her way.
> 
> And NO, it's not your fault she cheated. It's hers. I have zero sympathy for someone when they cheat and blame their partner. The defect belongs to her and her alone. I lived in a sexless marriage where I knew he was gay for many years...guess what...I never cheated!!!!!!!!!!! Ever. It sucked more than I can accurately describe and I was lonely as hell but I never cheated. Why?? Because it's wrong. End.of.story.
> 
> She's a piece of work.



I get it trust me. Yes the cheating was awhile ago but she never blamed me just blamed me on how acted towards her about it. I should have talked to her right away about it. She should have tried as well. Guess we both tried to move on and it didn't work. I still chose to ask her to marry me and she still said yes. She said I changed after but I dont think I changed too much. Some other things changed, Injures and RA came up. and of course how I started acting towards her about leaving her job. But I still dont deserve most of the blame here. I may have said some things I shouldn't have to someone I shouldn't have but it was a moment of weakness. But I dont think I should take the blame for everything thats for sure. I was lonely as well..... Glad you arnt in that situation anymore and can be happy with yourself.


----------



## notmyjamie

iaschneider5 said:


> I get it trust me. Yes the cheating was awhile ago but she never blamed me just blamed me on how acted towards her about it. I should have talked to her right away about it. She should have tried as well. Guess we both tried to move on and it didn't work. I still chose to ask her to marry me and she still said yes. She said I changed after but I dont think I changed too much. Some other things changed, Injures and RA came up. and of course how I started acting towards her about leaving her job. But I still dont deserve most of the blame here. I may have said some things I shouldn't have to someone I shouldn't have but it was a moment of weakness. But I dont think I should take the blame for everything thats for sure. I was lonely as well..... Glad you arnt in that situation anymore and can be happy with yourself.


Of course you changed after that!!! What the hell is she smoking that she thinks she can betray you and it won't change you in the relationship and then she has the gall to say you're the bad guy for how you're acting?? Again I say, she's a piece of work. 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope if you decide to go for therapy it's made clear to her that's SHE's to blame for the change in your behavior. If not, dump that therapist.


----------



## iaschneider5

JBTX said:


> My ex-wife’s parents are still together as well. And you described her parents exactly how I would describe my ex-wife’s parents. Even down to shopping habits of her mother and passiveness of her father. I’m not kidding. If her father was not passive, but rather gentle and strong, he would not allow her to stay at that home with them and turn her away. He is a pushover and he probably always has been. The example set by her parents is how she has learned to operate in the world. I would speculate and say that her parents have suffered financial ups and downs through the years. Potentially even her mother being upset with her father for decisions that were made without her knowing.
> 
> And what I’m really getting at here is do not be a pushover. Your children need to observe you being gentle and strong. Not passive and weak. It’s OK that you feel that you want to defend her. Eventually you will not want to do that anymore and if you are gentle and strong you will be able to do this gracefully and with dignity. It is your responsibility to be the man that your children need you to be. If you want your children to grow up to be better than you are and their mother is, then you will do this. You want to pass a torch that they can burn brighter than you did.
> 
> I don’t believe she is a bad mother either. I do believe that there is something emotionally wrong with her and her actions from her emotional issues manifest in a way that I see and I have seen before. Until she gets herself worked out, it is your job to become gentle and strong for those kids.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Yea thats pretty much it. Lots of financial issues and he just does whatever she wants basically, But yes I hear what your saying. While Im trying to be as nice as i can be and of course still have feelings for her I won't be pushed around. I'm not gonna get nasty with her either.. I watched that with my parents and won't do that. No matter what happens i just hope we can Maintain being civil as we can be. And as ive stated we are opening up more then we have been which is good no matter what happens. Hopefully can maintain that aswell. 

When she dropped the kids off last night I was very cold to her and kind of ignored her. i did end up saying sorry for it because there was no reason for it. I was just having a rough night. She said thank you and said she felt she didn't do anything at that point for me to be mean to her. Overall maybe but not last night. I was a bit mean when responding to her while she was here. I also told her she should have said something when she got back to her parents to which she said she was just letting it go which she shouldn't do. Well I said she shouldn't do she didn't say that..


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## iaschneider5

notmyjamie said:


> Of course you changed after that!!! What the hell is she smoking that she thinks she can betray you and it won't change you in the relationship and then she has the gall to say you're the bad guy for how you're acting?? Again I say, she's a piece of work.
> 
> I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope if you decide to go for therapy it's made clear to her that's SHE's to blame for the change in your behavior. If not, dump that therapist.


Im sorry to wish it wasn't so but whatever happens in the end hopefully will be good for both of us. I have picked someone out that i think would be good. She is a social worker. The list was given to me from the EAP people. 2 social workers and 1 counselor. She was requested in NYC after 911 to help people and has some other good things listed on her resume. The plan is to go separate then I hope together. No matter what I will continue even if it's alone. Its good to be able to get it out instead of holding it in.


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## JBTX

iaschneider5 said:


> Yea thats pretty much it. Lots of financial issues and he just does whatever she wants basically, But yes I hear what your saying. While Im trying to be as nice as i can be and of course still have feelings for her I won't be pushed around. I'm not gonna get nasty with her either.. I watched that with my parents and won't do that. No matter what happens i just hope we can Maintain being civil as we can be. And as ive stated we are opening up more then we have been which is good no matter what happens. Hopefully can maintain that aswell.
> 
> 
> 
> When she dropped the kids off last night I was very cold to her and kind of ignored her. i did end up saying sorry for it because there was no reason for it. I was just having a rough night. She said thank you and said she felt she didn't do anything at that point for me to be mean to her. Overall maybe but not last night. I was a bit mean when responding to her while she was here. I also told her she should have said something when she got back to her parents to which she said she was just letting it go which she shouldn't do. Well I said she shouldn't do she didn't say that..




Here is the real deal, my friend. This IS what matters.

When you become a gentle and strong father for your children, you will see changes. 

You will have a self respect for yourself that you didn’t know you could have. 

Your children will gravitate towards you and they will look to you for guidance. Because they will trust you.

Their attitude will change and they will become easier to deal with. They will respect you and they will love you more.

You will receive affirmation for your hard work from people that you know and even don’t know. And they will come out to tell you that you are being an amazing parent. 

If and when you are in the dating scene again, women will without a doubt notice what you are doing and they will have a deep admiration and respect for you. Your job at this point will be weeding out the bad eggs that you attracted and separating them from the good ones. (Hard to do)

But above all of that your children will feel safe and they will know that you stood by them. 

You cannot be passive and also operate in a world of chaos like you are in Right Now. You can however be gentle and strong. 

Sending Love!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Also i feel I should add because I'm not sure If I did. I have no social life anymore and that is not because of kids or her. I did it to myself and while sure Id like to go out with some people it really doesn't bother me. Prior to us being together I would go out a bit usually with old coworkers since I was hurt at that point but I was in pain and didn't really do it much. And they just made fun of me for being hurt. Not in a mean way just banter. 

Anyway My wife has very few close friends maybe just 2 and doesn't see the often then has 2 cousins that she may see now and again besides that her coworkers are her closest friends. Which given the past has created some issues here and there. Male and female not just male... So she would go out with them here and there not many times but usually not because of how Was dealing with it. Mind you this is prior to us hashing it out and me finding out about the texting relationship she was having with the older guy. 

The last time she went out was right before we had that big talk and a lot came out. She went out with them mix male and female I think she said there was 20ish and more came and went as time went on. She had texted me to let me know she was there and I didn't see the message right away was messing around with the kids. When I did see it i was not having good thoughts in my head and didn't respond. Figured Id wait to see if she texted me again. She didn't. She was out for 3 hours. And while i have no problem with her going out yes with coworkers brings up some thoughts. 

We talked about it after the other relationship came out and i said I dont care if you go out I just need her to understand that I might still have some thoughts i my head given the past but i doing my best to move on but would be nice if she ould see that. I was a jerk when she came home. I know that and its mostly because she didn't text me again until was leaving. I guess I should or could have texted her too. Doesn't matter now. 

AllI asked for was her to see that i needed some communication and reassurance i guess. She works hard I know she wants some time with friends and thats fine but given the past even though we talked I still needed her to be there for me and I would do my best to be there for her. I said it should be better as tie goes on. Doesn't time heal everything? 

Since then she has chosen to not go out at all saying she didn't wanna deal with me after the fact or how I would be acting. She never gave me the chance. And kinda showed me she wasn't willing to put the work in to deal with issues like I was. Well I was trying anyway. 

So just another thing that has came up in the reasons she's left and something Im getting blamed for. All comes back to communication I think.... 

FYI not sure if Mentioned but the guy she cheated with is gone... Does make things easier but I am a man and my wife is pretty damn cute so I know what they are thinking about her... i said it before when I suspected something about the guy she cheated on me with... she said no he's not we are just friends... Guess I was right!


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## iaschneider5

Also she wanted to start going to union meetings which she did once or twice but of course i made comments... But I also expressed how given the fact that I feel we arnt close and she's already gone most of the day between work and commute and the kids are small how I just didnt think it was the right time. Could be overstepping there and just letting my thoughts get the best of me but just another thing Im wrong about and getting blamed for. 

And yes I poked fun of her a bit and said she just wanted to spend time with her work boyfriends and the union guy. I knew they were friends and he has helped a lot with stuff but this was all before I found out about the texting that was going on.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Also i feel I should add because I'm not sure If I did. I have no social life anymore and that is not because of kids or her. I did it to myself and while sure Id like to go out with some people it really doesn't bother me. Prior to us being together I would go out a bit usually with old coworkers since I was hurt at that point but I was in pain and didn't really do it much. And they just made fun of me for being hurt. Not in a mean way just banter.
> 
> Anyway My wife has very few close friends maybe just 2 and doesn't see the often then has 2 cousins that she may see now and again besides that her coworkers are her closest friends. Which given the past has created some issues here and there. Male and female not just male... So she would go out with them here and there not many times but usually not because of how Was dealing with it. Mind you this is prior to us hashing it out and me finding out about the texting relationship she was having with the older guy.
> 
> The last time she went out was right before we had that big talk and a lot came out. She went out with them mix male and female I think she said there was 20ish and more came and went as time went on. She had texted me to let me know she was there and I didn't see the message right away was messing around with the kids. When I did see it i was not having good thoughts in my head and didn't respond. Figured Id wait to see if she texted me again. She didn't. She was out for 3 hours. And while i have no problem with her going out yes with coworkers brings up some thoughts.
> Look, I know you are trying to be the nice supportive husband, but after she had an affair with a co-worker, what did SHE do to earn back ANY trust about going out with coworkers for drinks?
> Sounds like NOTHING. She just expected you to take it and shut up and not say anything. I throw the BS flag on that. You should NOT trust her -- she hasn't done anything to earn your trust back (quite the opposite). You SHOULD have a problem with her going out with coworkers.
> 
> We talked about it after the other relationship came out and i said I dont care if you go out I just need her to understand that I might still have some thoughts i my head given the past but i doing my best to move on but would be nice if she ould see that. I was a jerk when she came home. I know that and its mostly because she didn't text me again until was leaving. I guess I should or could have texted her too. Doesn't matter now.
> 
> AllI asked for was her to see that i needed some communication and reassurance i guess. She works hard I know she wants some time with friends and thats fine but given the past even though we talked I still needed her to be there for me and I would do my best to be there for her. I said it should be better as tie goes on. Doesn't time heal everything?
> 
> Since then she has chosen to not go out at all saying she didn't wanna deal with me after the fact or how I would be acting. She never gave me the chance. And kinda showed me she wasn't willing to put the work in to deal with issues like I was. Well I was trying anyway.
> 
> Boo hoo -- she doesn't want to deal with you you would be acting -- WHY? Because she KNOWS she deserves it, but hasn't faced any consequences and doesn't want to hear it.
> So just another thing that has came up in the reasons she's left and something Im getting blamed for. All comes back to communication I think....
> 
> FYI not sure if Mentioned but the guy she cheated with is gone... Does make things easier but I am a man and my wife is pretty damn cute so I know what they are thinking about her... i said it before when I suspected something about the guy she cheated on me with... she said no he's not we are just friends... Guess I was right!


So why should you believe what she says about her co-workers now? "oh, I REALLY mean it this time...". You have not had any way to move past her original cheating, and this is going to continue to gnaw away at you until you get it resolved.


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## iaschneider5

I know I know just venting. I'm working on talking to a lawyer but havent gotta the strength to call yet. Harder when my daughter is here because she's quiet until i get on the phone lol My wife hasn't been to work in a week due to illness and having lots of issues at the moment but Is going to take her after a DR appt in a bit. I will try call then. 

I also haven't called the social worker even though I have the info so I will try work on that as well. I tried asking my wife if she had a chance to call the EAP people as well but she has not. I do feel she should have already but she has been sick for the last 2 weeks. I mean very sick. was in the ER the other night. 3 infections, fever even with high dose of ibprophen, isssues with her RA. Her RA medicine causes infections and she choose to take her RA medicine even though she was taking an antibiotic. She was supposed to skip it but didn't. I believe that caused some major issues. She also has been on Steroids for the past 2 weeks and still has 3 to go. 

Anyway Im gonna ask her today about it but I will call for myself and get it done. Been stalling I suppose. Easier to talk on the Internet I guess. 

Yes I would like my wife back if we are able actually talk about our issues and everyone can take blame for their part in everything. But I am past the point of blaming myself for everything. My head is getting clearer now and I can see that yes I have not been perfect, but a lot of it has to do with how I was treated and things that happened. Not all of it because I'm not perfect but a lot of it I think. 

Thank you everyone for your responses.


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## iaschneider5

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the first family gathering after separating. Today is a small party for our kids birthdays since so close together. Just cake and some people over. But of course its all her family and friends who of course only have one side to the story, which is she cheated early on we moved on, and she was having some issues with us and then caught me talking to another girl so she left.

Not that its not true there is just so more to it then that. And yes I've seen her parents and some other people since we separated but never for a longer period of time like it would be today and im not sure how to handle it or if I can. All those judge eyes. I get it they are her family and friends but they only have one side to the story just makes me feel horrible I suppose. 

Just letting it out been on my mind all night.


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## jlg07

So if you get any **** from them, correct the story line that your wife has fed them. You need to get YOUR side out as well, or that whole family may poison your kids minds against you.


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## iaschneider5

I know you right. Ill admit again right now im not doing to well. Its not just because of us I have other things that have came up that are adding to it.

They have been nice to me so far and her uncle said i could talk to him if he needed someone to talk to since he's been through this. He said 1 mistake shouldn't ruin a relationship and he hopes it works out but I just know the looks im gonna get and given the anxiety im having right now its probably going to get to me more then it should. I could share the other crap bringing me down if you wanna hear it just stuff that keeps happening adding to my stress. 

I did call the social worker yesterday. It was late and I left a message. Might of called late on purpose idk. 

I starting to see that I really was a doormat to her call it love or whatever else. I mean she was good to me too dont get me wrong she works hard and we had a better life then most because of that fact but i put up with alot. Helped her through so much to just get **** on now.

I did realize something though which is something Im going to bring up if we ever go to counseling together. She told me that after we got married thats when she noticed a difference in me and started having issues.... we married end of may 2017. In september 2017 she was diagnosed with RA and still dealing with extreme pain from her hip and back injuries. I noticed a change in her as well around that time because of it. 

Just adds to my thought that everything she is going through is having more of an effect on her then she thinks and helps her view of me become more negative.


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## Tilted 1

Excuses excuses excuses, and get this her uncle said 1 mistake shouldn't ruin a relationship, man that whole family is messed up. Caneeaters and rugsweepers, of course you going to feel it your human and the one thing you cherished she screwed up. Hang in there IT WILL GET BETTER!!


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## iaschneider5

Tilted 1 said:


> Excuses excuses excuses, and get this her uncle said 1 mistake shouldn't ruin a relationship, man that whole family is messed up. Caneeaters and rugsweepers, of course you going to feel it your human and the one thing you cherished she screwed up. Hang in there IT WILL GET BETTER!!


Not trying to make excuses just saying i think that her feelings towards me are amplified by everything else she has going on. Doesn't mean I still wanna take the blame for everything I see I shouldn't just saying that no matter how much I was there for her she can't see idk.

In terms if her uncle I do appreciate what he said to me. He's only going by what she said to him so again not much information and mainly just the reason she left which is me messaging another girl. Maybe ill share with him all the details then see what he thinks. 

Im doing what I can to move on. Lots of other stuff coming up and its just adding to my stress making it harder to think.


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## Tilted 1

No sir , not you making excuses her.


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## iaschneider5

Tilted 1 said:


> No sir , not you making excuses her.


Gotcha. Well I will say Im the one saying i think her RA and other issues are causing more issues then she cares to but yes I do agree with you alot of excuses. I'm tired of it. Little bit of communication and I things could have been alot better for us.


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## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Not trying to make excuses just saying i think that her feelings towards me are amplified by everything else she has going on. Doesn't mean I still wanna take the blame for everything I see I shouldn't just saying that no matter how much I was there for her she can't see idk.
> 
> In terms if her uncle I do appreciate what he said to me. He's only going by what she said to him so again not much information and mainly just the reason she left which is me messaging another girl. Maybe ill share with him all the details then see what he thinks.
> 
> Im doing what I can to move on. Lots of other stuff coming up and its just adding to my stress making it harder to think.


Yes you are and you need to realize that you are still stuck in the doormat position. STOP IT, JUST STOP IT. 

You are now, and were your entire marriage being played. YOU JUST ARE, get it? 

And hey, why not have your OWN BD party for the kids. Did you ever think of that?

You need to let go and move one, like yesterday...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> Yes you are and you need to realize that you are still stuck in the doormat position. STOP IT, JUST STOP IT.
> 
> You are now, and were your entire marriage being played. YOU JUST ARE, get it?
> 
> And hey, why not have your OWN BD party for the kids. Did you ever think of that?
> 
> You need to let go and move one, like yesterday...



Yes yes I know I am a bit. I still love her and still want my family back together... Sue me but I'm trying 

I get the being played. But there's still more to it then that but I am feeling that a bit. 

Yes I know I could do my own thing but I don't have anybody to invite they all went to the party that was already thrown and I dont have many family in this country either. 

Im trying to move on. It's not easy.


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## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Yes yes I know I am a bit. I still love her and still want my family back together... Sue me but I'm trying
> 
> I get the being played. But there's still more to it then that but I am feeling that a bit.
> 
> Yes I know I could do my own thing but I don't have anybody to invite they all went to the party that was already thrown and I dont have many family in this country either.
> 
> Im trying to move on. It's not easy.


I am not trying to hurt you. But understand this... Until, whatever country you are from, until you get a pair of balls, your life will be miserable. 

Please understand that. And I don't mean to be a hard, harsh, or abusive guy. I mean be a strong man.

Strong because you understand that you are a good person, you are a good man. You deserve better, you always have. You deserve love and she never loved you. 

OK, so you were stupid once... then learn from it. Detach from her. Over time the feelings that you think are love will fade. You think you love her, but you don't love yourself. So, you really don't know what love is. 

You don't love yourself enough to understand that you deserve to be treated better. 

LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF... and then find a happier life...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> I am not trying to hurt you. But understand this... Until, whatever country you are from, until you get a pair of balls, your life will be miserable.
> 
> Please understand that. And I don't mean to be a hard, harsh, or abusive guy. I mean be a strong man.
> 
> Strong because you understand that you are a good person, you are a good man. You deserve better, you always have. You deserve love and she never loved you.
> 
> OK, so you were stupid once... then learn from it. Detach from her. Over time the feelings that you think are love will fade. You think you love her, but you don't love yourself. So, you really don't know what love is.
> 
> You don't love yourself enough to understand that you deserve to be treated better.
> 
> LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF... and then find a happier life...



Born and Raised in NY. My mom is from Ireland and my dad is from here. All I have in Is my mother, father and grandparents on my fathers side. My mom has a large family but all In Ireland. 

I hear what you're saying. I'm working on it. Still a fresh separation and Im still having trouble with it.


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## Betrayedone

Look at the bright side.....look at all the extra closet space you have now......Extra garage space?


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## SunCMars

What did each get?
What is the outcome, so far?

She got to try out a new man.
She got in a terrible wreck.
She got the beginnings of rheumatoid arthritis.
She cannot work.
She gets to talk to an older man about whatever.

What did you get?
You got no sex for a year.
You got an unhappy wife who cheated and now has left.
You hit your head and cannot remember certain facts.
You got to talk and console with a female co-worker.

She got worse, count your stars.

This ballooning unhappiness for each of you and these bodily injuries are flat-out worrisome. You two are this toxic pair.

I see no upside for this marriage. You need to divorce this woman, your worries will then lessen by 70%.
This dark cloud that seems to hang over you two will make its move....away, when you make your move away, any way but near.

Unhitch your cloud from her rain, pain storm.

Do it.


LMc-
I feel sorry for the children. 
What is their situation?


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## iaschneider5

Betrayedone said:


> Look at the bright side.....look at all the extra closet space you have now......Extra garage space?


Ehh about 750Sqft for 5 people now just 4. Most of her stuff is still here we havent gotten that far yet. No Garage yet... The plan was to move into a house soon but ya know....


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## iaschneider5

SunCMars said:


> What did each get?
> What is the outcome, so far?
> 
> She got to try out a new man.
> She got in a terrible wreck.
> She got the beginnings of rheumatoid arthritis.
> She cannot work.
> She gets to talk to an older man about whatever.
> 
> What did you get?
> You got no sex for a year.
> You got an unhappy wife who cheated and now has left.
> You hit your head and cannot remember certain facts.
> You got to talk and console with a female co-worker.
> 
> She got worse, count your stars.
> 
> This ballooning unhappiness for each of you and these bodily injuries are flat-out worrisome. You two are this toxic pair.
> 
> I see no upside for this marriage. You need to divorce this woman, your worries will then lessen by 70%.
> This dark cloud that seems to hang over you two will make its move....away, when you make your move away, any way but near.
> 
> Unhitch your cloud from her rain, pain storm.
> 
> Do it.
> 
> 
> LMc-
> I feel sorry for the children.
> What is their situation?


So far nothing as changed. I have left Message for the social worker to talk to but she is very busy as her partner explained to me. She's pretty highly regarded from what Ive seen. Trying to decide if I want to try find someone else. 

We are still financially together mainly because she makes more money and our bills aren't low. Im currently thinking about selling my car for something cheaper but that's proving to be easier said then done. She did get a little attitudey with me about money the other day which makes me upset but thats life.

The kids are fine so far don't see a huge difference in them. They like going to grandmothers house so they are happier for now because they get stay over more. I hate the back and forth.


----------



## iaschneider5

Oh and not that it matters at this point but... The girl I said those things to wasn't a coworker. She's just someone I have known for years and I actually haven't seen in probably over 5 years. 90 recent of the time there was nothing bad about the conversation but the few times i did she didn't really say anything back. Just stuff like I bet you do etc etc. I would say im horrible I shouldn't be saying that and she would say Its ok your frustrated and wanted to get out and I need talk to my wife about it. Which I was trying to do..


----------



## iaschneider5

So I saw a social worker yesterday. Not sure what to make of it yet, but since first visit I suppose thats normal. I am still considering meeting with a divorce lawyer but still on the fence of course given that yes I still would like to work things out. 

Is there a point in a separation where its a normal time to talk to a lawyer or consider divorce? Like whats the quickest or longest time separated that it is considered or does it really matter on the people and the individual situation. 

I have some other things going on in my life that are pretty serious and I did have to call her to talk about them... 1 because it was nice to talk have someone to talk about it with and 2 because these things affect us both IMO. 1 sooner then the other but still. The next day I guess I pissed her off and she said she was just being nice but she really doesn't wanna talk to me to which I asked why she even bothers picking up the phone because if she doesn't wanna talk dont pick it up. I get alot of that from her lately. We have things to talk about and then it gets turned around on my that I'm bothering her and she doesn't wanna talk to me. I told her I get that but we still have 3 kids and this other situation or situations actually do impact us both i think. 

I do also think she's already seeing someone or at least starting to get close to someone but of course thats because I did something I should haven't done and found out more information then I should have. So of course that is eating away at me a bit because I think its a little quick and if Im correct on who the person is he's either playing her because he has a GF or she's the side chick smh. Again I could be wrong im just going off my little PI work that i shouldn't have done anyway.... Im a mess smh


Just venting here...Sorry


----------



## Tex X

iaschneider5 said:


> Is there a point in a separation where its a normal time to talk to a lawyer or consider divorce? Like whats the quickest or longest time separated that it is considered or does it really matter on the people and the individual situation.


She moved out almost 2 months ago and told you she didn't want you anymore and didn't want to work it out. There are also kids involved. You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP and find out what your rights are. You should have done that the day after she left. You need to protect yourself and your kids. Stop dragging your heels on this. If she magically comes back then you can pause/stop the divorce process, but you really need to take her words and actions at face value and file for divorce.


----------



## BluesPower

Tex X said:


> She moved out almost 2 months ago and told you she didn't want you anymore and didn't want to work it out. There are also kids involved. You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP and find out what your rights are. You should have done that the day after she left. You need to protect yourself and your kids. Stop dragging your heels on this. If she magically comes back then you can pause/stop the divorce process, but you really need to take her words and actions at face value and file for divorce.


Good grief would you listen to this... 

Dude, she was dating before she left. You need to deal with that. You are setting yourself up to get screwed if you don't talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. 

Please wake up to what is going on, the REALITY of what is going on in your life...


----------



## iaschneider5

I know I know im working on it. As I said I have a few other things going on that gave taken over at the moment. 1 being the potential to go to jail for something I didn't do so im already going to see a lawyer over that. And the apartment I currently live in is in a duplex that is owned by my grandfather, The going to jail thing involves him rather something that happened to him, and on top of that he will be selling this duplex sometime next year. 

That is stressful for many reasons, My workers comp that I receive won't cover me renting a room in this state let alone a 2 bedroom which is what I have right now is one of reasons. We were planning on buying the place from him by taking over the mortgage and giving cash but as of right now that is dead. 

In my eyes the possible jail situation and future loss of a place to live affects myself and my wife maybe im wrong. 

(Grandfathers house was robbed no signs of a break in and i have the code so cops are investigating me and I am the only suspect)

Anyway yes I probably should just file for the divorce but I have hopes it will work out of course.. Maybe im stupid but I can't help it, she has said also that maybe things will change but right now she doesn't wanna come back. Could be just stringing me along idk. She still is supporting me financially. Her check still gets transferred every 2 weeks to the joint account and I pay bills and whatever else, I guess thats better then the alternative of her stopping that and Im left to pay for everything for myself and kids with my comp. My car payment alone would wipe out half of that. Was gonna sell it and get something cheaper but im gonna leave things as they are for now.


----------



## skerzoid

iaschneider5 said:


> Anyway yes I probably should just file for the divorce but I have hopes it will work out of course.. Maybe im stupid but I can't help it, she has said also that maybe things will change but right now she doesn't wanna come back.


I sell hopium by the case at rock bottom prices. Just give me access to your credit card and all will be well.>


----------



## iaschneider5

skerzoid said:


> I sell hopium by the case at rock bottom prices. Just give me access to your credit card and all will be well.>




Very helpful Thanks...


----------



## Marc878

I worked with a guy who married and adopted his wife's kid. Not shortly after the ink was dry on the adoption papers she dumped him. 

You are only a chump if you allow it. 

You've gotten yourself into a long term commitment here and will have to live with it now.

Whether you move forward and hopefully learn from this is up to you.

My advice. Stop seeing what you want to see and deal with actual reality.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> I worked with a guy who married and adopted his wife's kid. Not shortly after the ink was dry on the adoption papers she dumped him.
> 
> You are only a chump if you allow it.
> 
> You've gotten yourself into a long term commitment here and will have to live with it now.
> 
> Whether you move forward and hopefully learn from this is up to you.
> 
> My advice. Stop seeing what you want to see and deal with actual reality.


Believe me those thought crossed my mind.. That she was just using me but given what have been through and the fact that when we met I was already on workers comp I stopped feeling that way but of course that thought pops up here and there. 

It was also something I had brought up first to her... This is when we were engaged but the thought still was/is there. 

I truly believe things changed after her RA diagnoses. To me thats when things went down hill. Not saying Im not responsible for any of this mess but just my thoughts on it. And besides her not talking to me about things i dont think she was prepared for a long term relationship and maybe its to much for her idk. My life was down when I met her and then things were looking up and now they are looking worse then ever before... Just having a hard time dealing with it at the moment.


----------



## Marc878

Walkaways rarley come back from what I've seen. You are already in a compromising position financially if you're wise you'll seek some counsel because at this point you don't need it to get worse.

Good luck. You are going to need all you can get.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Walkaways rarley come back from what I've seen. You are already in a compromising position financially if you're wise you'll seek some counsel because at this point you don't need it to get worse.
> 
> Good luck. You are going to need all you can get.


Thank you


----------



## iaschneider5

Well She unfriended me on facebook but found out from a mutual source that she changed her last name back and put her relationship status as complicated. 

Thats childish to me.


----------



## Openminded

She’s moved on. You need to as well.


----------



## Chaparral

Who is your wife dating? 
Does she know the code to your grandfather’s house?


----------



## iaschneider5

Chaparral said:


> Who is your wife dating?
> Does she know the code to your grandfather’s house?


Idk if she dating or just hooking up with him or maybe nothing at all just going on my assumptions on how she's acting but its a coworker she's worked with for years..

At one point she said about a close "friend" from work that they were close because they relate to each other. 

No she does not but at that point we were together and we both know it wasn't me and I know it wasn't her. I don't think she's ever been in there. Nothing has happened with that so as I suspected her was just fishing to try get me to admit to something I didn't do.


----------



## aquarius1

Her train has left the station.
I understand that the details are needed for closure, but sometimes you don't get closure.
If you are willing, get some IC to help you move on.


----------



## iaschneider5

aquarius1 said:


> Her train has left the station.
> I understand that the details are needed for closure, but sometimes you don't get closure.
> If you are willing, get some IC to help you move on.



I am seeing a social worker every 2 weeks. She says she has no time to see anyone.


Ill share something that happened on Dec 20th. On her way to bring the kids to me my 7 year old decided it would be a good idea to climb up and jump off a playhouse... Monkey see monkey do so my 8 year old followed... He slipped and broke his femer. She was annoyed with them because they weren't listening and also had "plans" that night after she dropped them off. 

Before it was discovered that his leg was broken she proceeded to drop them off. I told her she should bring him to the ER but she insisted he was fine (she was in a mood) I pulled up to my place and she was already there and I could tell right away is wasn't the normal just crying that he would normally do he looked scared.. He was because he knew something was wrong but she was to consumed with being annoyed and wanting to get to her plans that she didn't care to notice. 

I brought him in took his pants off and right away noticed the swollen leg and called her to come back which annoyed her some more. 

Now at that point I was f***ing pissed at her choosing to ignore her sons pain for her plans... She always bring them to at least urgent care for everything!!! I pushed that aside for the benefit of my son because it wasn't going to help anything. He ended up having to go to another hospital and spent 4 days there. 2 rods put in his leg and can't bend his knee for 3 weeks. Wheelchair bound at school for 7. 

I did mention at one point how i felt about that night but she ignored it and I didn't push it but I really need to get it out to her at some point. I'm gonna wait until he's better to do it I think. I will note i can see it in her face still how bad she feels about it but it doesn't change anything for me really. 



A few there things have happened during that time but ill share later if anyone cares to hear about it.



The thing that's killing me the most is that she insists he stays at her house during this time and while I half agree because he has a tad more room then my place its eating away at me a bit. I have went there and spent time with him of course, and have my other babies here.


----------



## iaschneider5

Also yesterday as I was making breakfast for myself and my daughter my son calls me from his grandmothers phone. She was going to the hospital and needed me to come there to sit with him.. I rushed over just after the ambulance got there and sat until his mother got home. 

Today I asked her if she was gonna need help getting our 2 boys from school since the one is in a wheelchair and it requires 2 people and 2 cars to bring everyone home. She said she wasn't sure. I reached out again not to long ago so I could help and she didnt respond so I texted her mom and she said she wasn't sure either but she had suggested me or my wife aunt. When my wife did get back to me she said she didn't need my help and has help... So she as it appears she asked her aunt to leave work to come help her instead of just having me help which would take a total of 20 mins. 

Its really has me pissed off at the moment among all the other things she has been doing. Am I wrong to feel this way?

And I might add everyday the boys take the bus to their grandmothers private school and she would take them home or I would pick them up from the school. Now that my 8 year old needs a wheelchair and has to lay out to be transported home the 2 cars are needed. I was there the first day and asked my wife after if I was needed everyday to get him back to his grandmas house or I just needed to pick up our other son... She said her mom has to covered and has a plan.... When I got there the next day she right away asked me for help and I said I can do this everyday of course to which she said she should have just asked me in the first place since I come there everyday anyway. Her plan to wait until 5 until her husband got off of work to come help. 

When I told her what my wife had said when I offered she got a tad annoyed and just said please ask her next time... Its pretty obvious my wife seems to be just trying to push me out of the picture as much as she can, Reasons im sure include so she can tell me people im not helping, That she can claim she's s single mom or whatever etc etc...


----------



## Casual Observer

iaschneider5 said:


> ...When I told her what my wife had said when I offered she got a tad annoyed and just said please ask her next time... Its pretty obvious my wife seems to be just trying to push me out of the picture as much as she can, Reasons im sure include so she can tell me people im not helping, That she can claim she's s single mom or whatever etc etc...


Is your wife playing both the victim card and having fun on the side too? Or is it just the victim card? I'd think it easier to deal with the victim card than if she's having fun on the side at the expense of taking care of the kids.

For you... the victim card thing... ironically, I'd derail it with kindness. Not kindness towards your ex but kindness towards the situation. Just do what needs to be done to take care of the kids, even though it makes things easier for someone you don't want to make life easier for. Tell Grandma to call you anytime she needs, and you're there to help out. Worst that can happen? Your ex makes Grandma the villain in the story. There really is no need to be seething about the apparent callousness of your ex, because nothing you can do or say will change her thinking. But when the circle of support around her begins to contract because they go through what you've been going through? At some point, she might have an epiphany. Likely not, but maybe. Yelling at her will not create that epiphany.


----------



## BluesPower

Listen, why are you surprised? 

Did you expect different? It sucks, but it will not change. 

You have to understand the THIS is the woman that you married, and I think divorced, right? 

If you keep expecting her to me a normal, caring, responsible human being, you will continue to be disappointed.

And you deep down hoping that she will love you again and want to be with you? Surely not, Right? 

What is you current state of denial about what kind of person you married and divorced getting you right now?


----------



## iaschneider5

Casual Observer said:


> Is your wife playing both the victim card and having fun on the side too? Or is it just the victim card? I'd think it easier to deal with the victim card than if she's having fun on the side at the expense of taking care of the kids.
> 
> For you... the victim card thing... ironically, I'd derail it with kindness. Not kindness towards your ex but kindness towards the situation. Just do what needs to be done to take care of the kids, even though it makes things easier for someone you don't want to make life easier for. Tell Grandma to call you anytime she needs, and you're there to help out. Worst that can happen? Your ex makes Grandma the villain in the story. There really is no need to be seething about the apparent callousness of your ex, because nothing you can do or say will change her thinking. But when the circle of support around her begins to contract because they go through what you've been going through? At some point, she might have an epiphany. Likely not, but maybe. Yelling at her will not create that epiphany.


I believe its both but im not sure. During christmas time she mentioned she had a "coworker friend" picking up a kids smart watch from our son because they were all sold out and she had got the one that was in sick locally. I made some comments and she said they relate to each other and have become close so I assume thats the guy she's with. 

I have been nothing but nice besides some smarts comments when she's being an ass which is most of the time besides in person. 

I also made the mistake of spilling some things to my mother in law during a car ride from the hopistal my son was staying t to the dr office she needed to go too. She rode down with me that day. Its about an hour and half from where we live. Anyway she said something and I just kept going and she kept saying things back like how we both need to go to therapy and when she says it to her she snaps at her nd some details about her marriage and I knew I should have stopped but couldn't. Thankfully it was only a half hour ride and was over quick but my wife was pissed.

I will note she texted me right away after her mom told her ( I told her I was going to tel her but her mom told her the next day anyway) and it was actually the best conversation about something that was bothering her I think we have a ever had the night back to her attitude and general rudeness.


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> Listen, why are you surprised?
> 
> Did you expect different? It sucks, but it will not change.
> 
> You have to understand the THIS is the woman that you married, and I think divorced, right?
> 
> If you keep expecting her to me a normal, caring, responsible human being, you will continue to be disappointed.
> 
> And you deep down hoping that she will love you again and want to be with you? Surely not, Right?
> 
> What is you current state of denial about what kind of person you married and divorced getting you right now?


Not sure if im surprised or not was just pissed and needed to vent I guess. Not divorced yet but I feel I have to stop messing around and just file... Lawyers are exspesive and I dont have a lot of money just credit.... Lots of credit but she won't give me anything out fo savings and I bet same with the quite large tax return thats about to happen so I guess ill just have to figure it out. 

She did agree at one point to trying to figure out the details and make it easier but we are not going to agree and now she doesn't wanna talk about it. Im going to suggest mediation. 

Sure id love to work it out with her because deep down if we got some things out and got past them and had some open comnication things could be good again but she wont do that, to many other people in care telling her she doesn't need me or things about divorce and that she will be better off. On top telling her things that are just not gonna happen in the way she thinks, Like for example Ive spoken to a few lawyers and they all said the same thing the debt and asses will be split 50/50. She seems to think that wont happen based on who she has spoken to about it which mind you are not lawyers according to her. 

Idk if its denial but I sure am upset about how she is acting but after the conversation with her mom some of it makes sense, Her mom said that she believes we need to speak to someone together no matter what to air everything out so nothing gets dragged to the next relationship... Her ex the "father" of the 2 boys cheated on her while pregnant then when she wanted to see his phone and have access he said no etc etc... She did the same thing to me...... Her mom also said she doesn't believe she has ever had someone that wanted to actually work on issues or wanted to talk about things and since its new to her she doesn't know how to handle it which to be honest kinda makes sense.


----------



## iaschneider5

On the night before her mom went to the hospital a song popped up on my pandora while driving which of course happened to from her favorite singer so I sent her a pic of it because I dont listen to that type of music so she laughed over text.. Later that bight I sent her a link to the song just to kinda be an ass and see if I could get a response out of her... She never responded. The next day when I saw her I asked her if she at least smiled a bit and she ignored me I asked her again and she said "I'm ignoring you".... The song was Sam Smith - Stay with me... Couldn't help myself but to send it lol


----------



## Tilted 1

iaschneider5 said:


> On the night before her mom went to the hospital a song popped up on my pandora while driving which of course happened to from her favorite singer so I sent her a pic of it because I dont listen to that type of music so she laughed over text.. Later that bight I sent her a link to the song just to kinda be an ass and see if I could get a response out of her... She never responded. The next day when I saw her I asked her if she at least smiled a bit and she ignored me I asked her again and she said "I'm ignoring you".... The song was Sam Smith - Stay with me... Couldn't help myself but to send it lol
> 
> 
> , Her mom said that she believes we need to speak to someone together no matter what to air everything out so nothing gets dragged to the next relationship


Dude your acting pathetic, it's like the bully who picked on you at school. You try to be his best friend, but what does he do smears crap in your face and when he done. You smile at him lovingly and say when can we play again.

Why are you going to talk to anyone with her you can't change her, nor can anyone she speaks to only she can do that. Send her the memory .... Yak!! and then to send her the song, Just quit! Your not winning zip nada zilch zero feelings for you and barely enough for her own kids. WTH, move on....


----------



## iaschneider5

Tilted 1 said:


> Dude your acting pathetic, it's like the bully who picked on you at school. You try to be his best friend, but what does he do smears crap in your face and when he done. You smile at him lovingly and say when can we play again.
> 
> Why are you going to talk to anyone with her you can't change her, nor can anyone she speaks to only she can do that. Send her the memory .... Yak!! and then to send her the song, Just quit! Your not winning zip nada zilch zero feelings for you and barely enough for her own kids. WTH, move on....



Yes Yes I didn't need to send or have to but couldn't help myself but it doesn't matter was just a little fun. 
And wasn't really a memory it was the fact that it popped up on my music station and its not close to what i was listening to at the time and ive never hear it on there before. We both laughed and moved on. 

I would like to talk with her with someone so we can get to a point where we can be civil without the attitudes and anything since we have 3 kids and will be connected for a long time... Also the suggestion of my social worker...


----------



## Tilted 1

Spin it anyway you like to swallow it, it just doesn't change. And reality is sometimes you just can't be civil when divorcing. Regardless of kids that a lame excuse, but you will do as you will. It will give the appearance of working but she already wants more than you. 

And there you sit and smile while she tells you l am ignoring you, must mean she really doesn't mean it. Really?


----------



## iaschneider5

Tilted 1 said:


> Spin it anyway you like to swallow it, it just doesn't change. And reality is sometimes you just can't be civil when divorcing. Regardless of kids that a lame excuse, but you will do as you will. It will give the appearance of working but she already wants more than you.
> 
> And there you sit and smile while she tells you l am ignoring you, must mean she really doesn't mean it. Really?


Ehh I was just having a bit of fun during an otherwise not fun time and in terms of being civil yes sometimes it just cant happen but does that mean I have to not try? Of course not but when push comes to shove I'm not gonna lay down either. Right now most important thing is being there for my children and yes that also means helping her if needed because our son is in a wheelchair or otherwise immobile. She is nice 50% of the time then others just rude but I call her out on it dont just smile and yessa boss. Like when she said she was ignoring me I said that was childish and moved on... I'm not one to not speak my mind in any situation. Sometimes not on purpose the head injury makes it happen sometimes.


----------



## Casual Observer

iaschneider5 said:


> Idk if its denial but I sure am upset about how she is acting but after the conversation with her mom some of it makes sense, Her mom said that she believes we need to speak to someone together no matter what to air everything out so nothing gets dragged to the next relationship... Her ex the "father" of the 2 boys cheated on her while pregnant then when she wanted to see his phone and have access he said no etc etc... She did the same thing to me...... Her mom also said she doesn't believe she has ever had someone that wanted to actually work on issues or wanted to talk about things and since its new to her she doesn't know how to handle it which to be honest kinda makes sense.


Wait. Your wife cheated on you while you were pregnant? Sorry, couldn't resist...

Your soon-to-be-ex mother in law sounds like a decent person. Her idea that things should be aired so before heading into new relationships makes sense. It's possible that her motives aren't altruistic though; that she's still hoping the two of you would reconcile. But the concept of getting everything out of your system, and hers, before things finish? I see some validity in that, in terms of not carrying things over into future relationships.


----------



## iaschneider5

Casual Observer said:


> Wait. Your wife cheated on you while you were pregnant? Sorry, couldn't resist...
> 
> Your soon-to-be-ex mother in law sounds like a decent person. Her idea that things should be aired so before heading into new relationships makes sense. It's possible that her motives aren't altruistic though; that she's still hoping the two of you would reconcile. But the concept of getting everything out of your system, and hers, before things finish? I see some validity in that, in terms of not carrying things over into future relationships.



Haha I didn't catch that!

I have no idea what her motives are or would be but either way I think its a good idea. Its all thats really needed for us to make things work but either way I think it would be good to just get it all out and try to have a decent relationship for our kids. Have a long way to go... The custody and support still nasty though so either way that will be interesting as time goes on.


----------



## maree

Wait wait wait a minute. Your wife cheated on you physically with another man (get a dna test btw), but then finds a few messages between you and another woman and then leaves you?? All of a sudden she’s going to act like she has morals regarding fidelity.

Your wife is extremely manipulative, I think love is blinding you to this. I wish that you could come out of the fog and read your post and see what she is doing to you. She’s spinning this around to make it look like she’s the victim here and you somehow did her wrong but she’s the one who cheated and probably is still cheating on you.

Admittedly I haven’t gotten though all the responses here to see if anyone else or you have addressed this, but just wanted you to realize she’s manipulating you and changing history to suit herself. Stop taking blame, you will need to do that to heal whether you reconcile with her or not.


----------



## iaschneider5

maree said:


> Wait wait wait a minute. Your wife cheated on you physically with another man (get a dna test btw), but then finds a few messages between you and another woman and then leaves you?? All of a sudden she’s going to act like she has morals regarding fidelity.
> 
> Your wife is extremely manipulative, I think love is blinding you to this. I wish that you could come out of the fog and read your post and see what she is doing to you. She’s spinning this around to make it look like she’s the victim here and you somehow did her wrong but she’s the one who cheated and probably is still cheating on you.
> 
> Admittedly I haven’t gotten though all the responses here to see if anyone else or you have addressed this, but just wanted you to realize she’s manipulating you and changing history to suit herself. Stop taking blame, you will need to do that to heal whether you reconcile with her or not.



She cheated little over 4 years ago prior to marriage. Baby is mine no doubt there. I approached her when I found out and she went through didn't know how to tell me and cried said she didn't wanna loose me. At the time she had just gotten hurt at work and then we ended up getting into a car accident a few days later so she ended up being out of work for while. We decided at the time to talk about the cheating and whatever questions I had after we got through the injuries.

When that time came she just wanted to move on so I tried and it ended badly, Saying things I shouldn't have, comments about coworkers and sleeping with them etc etc. Tried to talk to her multiple times and it didn't work. We finally did talk which helped me alot but I guess the damage to her was done and the fact that anything that ever bothered her she kept in instead of talking to me about it, claiming she felt she couldn't talk to me which I get to a degree since I am very guarded but to me since I was able to come to her with things I thought she would get that I was trying to show her she could too if that makes sense. 

After a year and a half of no Intimacy for various reasons I said some things to someone I shouldn't have and she found out and left the next day...... no she calls me controlling and emotionally abusive and says she doesn't want me anymore... Along with some other things when she's in a bad mood which are simply not true but she spins it in the way she wants to suit her needs and so she can say it that way to her friends i think. 

I have my faults and i will admit them until I cant breath but Alot of what I was going through was caused by cheating and her doing other things that break my trust and hurt me yet I still tried to talk to her and show her she didn't need to do that..

I love her beyond belief but I'm notes blind as i once was.. Right now I'm 50/50 wanting to get back with her. She would have to really admit some of her things as well and being willing to talk with me and be open or at the very least show me a good effort. I think with some good communication things could be just fine for both of us. Besides the normal marriage crap. I tend to just say things sometimes which I understand and its part of my head injury but she knew that before marriage.


----------



## iaschneider5

She also says I manipulated her into staying and am manipulative in general since when the 2 times we did talk about what was going on with her she said i changed for awhile then went back to it.... In my mind she also didn't continue talking to me plus hide things still so its not just on me.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> She also says I manipulated her into staying and am manipulative in general since when the 2 times we did talk about what was going on with her she said i changed for awhile then went back to it.... In my mind she also didn't continue talking to me plus hide things still so its not just on me.


Yeah, this post and the last one, excluding the injuries, says exactly what everyone has been thinking...

You have been played at every level including her and you rug sweeping her affair(s) and her gas lighting you about everything. Do you not realize what you have allowed yourself to be put through?????

One day soon you will wake up I hope...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> Yeah, this post and the last one, excluding the injuries, says exactly what everyone has been thinking...
> 
> You have been played at every level including her and you rug sweeping her affair(s) and her gas lighting you about everything. Do you not realize what you have allowed yourself to be put through?????
> 
> One day soon you will wake up I hope...


I don't think she played me I just think she wasn't ready for a real relationship. Everything before me wasn't long term or very serious. Even her mom said she probably isn't used to someone wanting to work with her and wanting to talk about issues. 

But yes I let myself go through to much which in turn affected me and the way I acted aswell but this isn't all on me, I'm seeing that more and more everyday.


----------



## Marduk

One of the hallmark flags that you’re getting manipulated is that someone claims you’re the one doing the manipulating... when it’s just that you’re not doing what they want you to do.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marduk said:


> One of the hallmark flags that you’re getting manipulated is that someone claims you’re the one doing the manipulating... when it’s just that you’re not doing what they want you to do.



I have heard that before and I get it. I still don't think she meant it to come out that way I think its more like I said she wasn't ready for a long term relationship and having to actually deal with issues instead of just moving on from them. Not ready for the backlash and what it caused. Then of course did other stuff which really sucks..

I mean she makes just about 5 times more then me and we both enjoyed the spoils of that income. I think if the intent was to manipulate me that wouldn't be the case. My car was 40k which of course now is an issue for me and I cant get a loan for something cheaper because I have that loan and the one for her car and because I cant do it joint with her my income is too low. I do get annoyed when she tells me to just sell it like its that easy given the credit/income thing plus I have 3 kids still need a car to drive and has to have some space given the carseat situation!


----------



## iaschneider5

So tonight she asked me if she could come in and get some papers out of the closet to which refused. Im just gonna get them and give them to her, Not that Im trying to keep her out but our daughter doesn't feel good and didn't want her to get steam when she saw her because she of course doesn't understand whats going on. 

Anyway she made the comment that she has to get all her stuff out so I said "I guess therapy is off the table then" Just to see what she would say. She said she will go for herself, which still hasn't happened of course and its been 4 months but anyway a short while after that she said something that really pissed me off so I kinda went of on her a bit which is something I really advent done this whole time. It was mild but still.

I ended up moving to the conversation of Mediation since I was looking into it just to get this done. She doesn't wanna work with me why am I gonna bother trying to hold on but that conversation didn't end well. And of course I know she doesn't wanna give me any of the savings and I'm sure isn't gonna wanna give me any of the tax return since she makes alot more then me.. and I'm not sure how taxes would wrk since once divorced I wont be filing returns until Im off Workers comp and working again. Then there's the debt. I don't think mediation is gonna work.

I'm mixed between wondering why I love her so much and want to work it out when she's gotten so cold after leaving to why am I stalling and just get it over with. 

Just venting my current frustrations.


----------



## Buffer

Brother, nothing to offer other than support.
Buffer


----------



## iaschneider5

Buffer said:


> Brother, nothing to offer other than support.
> Buffer


Thank you, Sorry about the spelling errors I was kinda pissed when typing and wasn't paying attention.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> So tonight she asked me if she could come in and get some papers out of the closet to which refused. Im just gonna get them and give them to her, Not that Im trying to keep her out but our daughter doesn't feel good and didn't want her to get steam when she saw her because she of course doesn't understand whats going on.
> 
> Anyway she made the comment that she has to get all her stuff out so I said "I guess therapy is off the table then" Just to see what she would say. She said she will go for herself, which still hasn't happened of course and its been 4 months but anyway a short while after that she said something that really pissed me off so I kinda went of on her a bit which is something I really advent done this whole time. It was mild but still.
> 
> I ended up moving to the conversation of Mediation since I was looking into it just to get this done. She doesn't wanna work with me why am I gonna bother trying to hold on but that conversation didn't end well. And of course I know she doesn't wanna give me any of the savings and I'm sure isn't gonna wanna give me any of the tax return since she makes alot more then me.. and I'm not sure how taxes would wrk since once divorced I wont be filing returns until Im off Workers comp and working again. Then there's the debt. I don't think mediation is gonna work.
> 
> I'm mixed between wondering why I love her so much and want to work it out when she's gotten so cold after leaving to why am I stalling and just get it over with.
> 
> Just venting my current frustrations.


Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.

You still give her too many outs. You’ll do the same in mediation.


----------



## iaschneider5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Lawyer.
> Lawyer.
> Lawyer.
> 
> You still give her too many outs. You’ll do the same in mediation.


Yup.. Called her to discuss the life insurance and a collection call for a medical bill for our son and I mentioned that it would be smart to figure out the debts before going into divorce and it led to a slightly unpleasant conversation. 

Now I know what she wants which I kinda assumed anyway. Doesn't want joint custody, Doesn't want to pay any child support and will not give me anything else besides towards the car insurance which still goes on my card. I did ask her to switch it before it last month to which she did not, She was going to pay it in full but we both forget our to our sons broken leg. Also wont give me anything out of the savings or tax return yet still tells me I need to list my car for sale but can give me no advice on how I'm suppose to get another one. 

I don't really disagree with the car statement but I cannot afford to buy a new car cash since I have non and she wont give any and even though my credit is pretty decent for the time being I cannot get a loan due to low income since I cant use hers and I have many debts at the moment. She did agree to split the credit card debt but underestimated the amount of course. 

I said we might just need to let a judge figure it out since we wont be able to agree and she said we don't need a judge to decide our lives... She said we can just fill the paperwork out and file it and its done which I think it still needs to get approved by a judge but she insisted it doesn't. 

She said some other things in the phone call and I wasnt very kind at times either but I still believe I kept my composure, didn't yell or anything but she was a tad nasty. Didn't mean for the phone to go that direction especially while she was at work.

Guess I should try to figure out how to get a lawyer.


----------



## father_of_2

Sorry you're going through all this my dude, but you've got some tough choices ahead of you if want to stay afloat financially. 

First, get yourself a lawyer because your wife cannot legally withhold household funds from you and standing orders from a judge when you file will not allow her to cut off the status quo until there's been a hearing and debts and assets are equitably split. At least that's how it is in Texas.

You need to find new gainful employment that not only pays the bills and supports you and the kids but allows you to start paying off debt and saving some money. Don't wait for the marriage to be over and have it be a dire situation where you can't meet your obligations at all. Your STBXW isn't going to make it easy for you!

Get yourself the book The Total Money Makeover. It will give you the tools to set yourself up for life financially.

Sad to say, but if you don't have the income to make the payment on your $40k car, you need to sell it. 

Get on a written zero-based budget! As Dave Ramsey says, give every penny a job on paper, on purpose, at the beginning of every month.

Save up a $1000 baby emergency fund.

Find $3500 - 4000 and buy a reliable but older Honda or Toyota. I'm driving a 2007 Camry that I bought for cash 7 years ago. It runs great and is safe and reliable to drive the kids around in. I'm a Director at my company and have no shame in driving our CEO around in my old beater when he's in town.

Sell the house and get an apartment in a safe area that you can reliably afford.

Then start lining your debts up and pay them off from smallest to largest. The Debt Snowball.

Then follow the rest of the baby steps. Get in control of your money - don't let money control you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> Yup.. Called her to discuss the life insurance and a collection call for a medical bill for our son and I mentioned that it would be smart to figure out the debts before going into divorce and it led to a slightly unpleasant conversation.
> 
> Now I know what she wants which I kinda assumed anyway. Doesn't want joint custody, Doesn't want to pay any child support and will not give me anything else besides towards the car insurance which still goes on my card. I did ask her to switch it before it last month to which she did not, She was going to pay it in full but we both forget our to our sons broken leg. Also wont give me anything out of the savings or tax return yet still tells me I need to list my car for sale but can give me no advice on how I'm suppose to get another one.
> 
> I don't really disagree with the car statement but I cannot afford to buy a new car cash since I have non and she wont give any and even though my credit is pretty decent for the time being I cannot get a loan due to low income since I cant use hers and I have many debts at the moment. She did agree to split the credit card debt but underestimated the amount of course.
> 
> I said we might just need to let a judge figure it out since we wont be able to agree and she said we don't need a judge to decide our lives... She said we can just fill the paperwork out and file it and its done which I think it still needs to get approved by a judge but she insisted it doesn't.
> 
> She said some other things in the phone call and I wasnt very kind at times either but I still believe I kept my composure, didn't yell or anything but she was a tad nasty. Didn't mean for the phone to go that direction especially while she was at work.
> 
> Guess I should try to figure out how to get a lawyer.


Welp, now you know for sure. She wants out, but wants you to have NOTHING including no car. 


Wow......

Let me add don’t White Knight. You fight for everything and get your due.


----------



## iaschneider5

father_of_2 said:


> Sorry you're going through all this my dude, but you've got some tough choices ahead of you if want to stay afloat financially.
> 
> First, get yourself a lawyer because your wife cannot legally withhold household funds from you and standing orders from a judge when you file will not allow her to cut off the status quo until there's been a hearing and debts and assets are equitably split. At least that's how it is in Texas.
> 
> You need to find new gainful employment that not only pays the bills and supports you and the kids but allows you to start paying off debt and saving some money. Don't wait for the marriage to be over and have it be a dire situation where you can't meet your obligations at all. Your STBXW isn't going to make it easy for you!
> 
> Get yourself the book The Total Money Makeover. It will give you the tools to set yourself up for life financially.
> 
> Sad to say, but if you don't have the income to make the payment on your $40k car, you need to sell it.
> 
> Get on a written zero-based budget! As Dave Ramsey says, give every penny a job on paper, on purpose, at the beginning of every month.
> 
> Save up a $1000 baby emergency fund.
> 
> Find $3500 - 4000 and buy a reliable but older Honda or Toyota. I'm driving a 2007 Camry that I bought for cash 7 years ago. It runs great and is safe and reliable to drive the kids around in. I'm a Director at my company and have no shame in driving our CEO around in my old beater when he's in town.
> 
> Sell the house and get an apartment in a safe area that you can reliably afford.
> 
> Then start lining your debts up and pay them off from smallest to largest. The Debt Snowball.
> 
> Then follow the rest of the baby steps. Get in control of your money - don't let money control you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm gonna be looking into a lawyer soon, the job thing is a little tougher considering im on workers comp and such. 

The plan was when I finally settled to invest in some real estate and get back into flipping cars. That plan hasn't changed for me but loots of things going through my head, ideas and such. 

The car while nice I don't care about and I will get rid of it of course. Only issue is I cant do anything until I have some cash to get something new which she wont give up... When she again told me to sell the car I said np give me half the savings and i can do it right away and she went quiet. Just went on that its not her problem routine. I'm 30 was an auto tech before getting hurt and im on car 30 something so not a stranger to getting in something new. Every car I have bought was something I had to fix up which i really enjoy but being injured makes that difficult. I have had 2 new cars and while the warranty is nice the payment isn't! haha 

Only challenge is 3 young kids and carseats for them. Gotta get creative there. 

Luckily the one thing I have going for me is the place where I live. Its a duplex that belongs to my grandfather, I rent the whole building and rent the upstairs. Supplements my rent to about $350 a month and he doesn't have to deal with tenants which never ended well for him. Been doing it 8 years and its going well.

The debts is tricky given my income but I'm working on it. 

Thanks for the advice! I will look into the book.


----------



## iaschneider5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Welp, now you know for sure. She wants out, but wants you to have NOTHING including no car.
> 
> 
> Wow......
> 
> Let me add don’t White Knight. You fight for everything and get your due.


Yeah a few months ago it was she doesn't wanna give me alot to nothing as of today. Gonna be an interesting few months coming up im sure. Cant holdout anymore, Which I'm sorry its come to this.


----------



## iaschneider5

I'm driving a 2007 Camry that I bought for cash 7 years ago. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]

Might I add as a former Toyota tech myself great choice in car! Had 3 Camrys myself ranging from 1998 to 2005.


----------



## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> She also says I manipulated her into staying and am manipulative in general since when the 2 times we did talk about what was going on with her she said i changed for awhile then went back to it.... In my mind she also didn't continue talking to me plus hide things still so its not just on me.


Classic blameshifting and gaslighting

Your W is an emotional vampire


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Chuck71 said:


> Classic blameshifting and gaslighting
> 
> Your W is an emotional vampire


I cheated, you reconciled and you changed it is all your fault.


Man......that is some unrepentant pretzel logic right there.


----------



## iaschneider5

So looks like she filed for divorce on dec 19th. Got served the papers this morning. I may have texted her and called her a hypocrite and she said we can still do out of court If I agree to everything. The paper states she wants full custody and wants me to pay child support. I would be paying her $25 a month vs her $1,115 if it went to me. Life insurance and provide health insurance which makes no sense since we get it through her job. 

Says split the stuff in the house, Furniture stuff like that. When she moved here all she brought was dressers I had all the other stuff we just got newer ones ones over the years so im curious how that works.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> So looks like she filed for divorce on dec 19th. Got served the papers this morning. I may have texted her and called her a hypocrite and she said we can still do out of court If I agree to everything. The paper states she wants full custody and wants me to pay child support. I would be paying her $25 a month vs her $1,115 if it went to me. Life insurance and provide health insurance which makes no sense since we get it through her job.
> 
> Says split the stuff in the house, Furniture stuff like that. When she moved here all she brought was dressers I had all the other stuff we just got newer ones ones over the years so im curious how that works.


She fooled you good. Back in October and up until now, she had you believing no lawyers were necessary. 

You realize, she was already looking for lawyers at this point right?
She filed in December and still led you on.

Get your act together now. 

When you get a lawyer, make sure he knows about your memory issues. She will use that against you.


----------



## iaschneider5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She fooled you good. Back in October and up until now, she had you believing no lawyers were necessary.
> 
> You realize, she was already looking for lawyers at this point right?
> She filed in December and still led you on.
> 
> Get your act together now.
> 
> When you get a lawyer, make sure he knows about your memory issues. She will use that against you.


Last night was the first time we actually spoke about doing the divorce besides me asking about therapy and what not and she said she doesn't think we need to go to court knowing that she already filed because she wants to get it done. 

Yeah im gonna have to but what sucks Is she paid the retainer out of the savings account I have to put it on a credit card which sucks. 

Whats funny is last night when we spoke and she laid out what she wants I said thats not happening so she said I guess we need lawyers or something to that affect. I told her not to go to the lawyer at the end of her street he's just a shark looking for money... Thats who she went with! 

He told me if we went to court I would get the large amount of child support and then recommended that we file for legal separation first at a cost of 3k for him to draw it up then can do divorce later. And if she didn't agree to the separation papers would cost more to change them im sure, as opposed to another lawyer who said its better to just file for divorce and ends up being cheaper for me since I don't have to pay him twice.

Now here's my worry since she just spent 5k out of savings does that get counted towards what would have get split or now its gone so it wont get counted.. That would suck. Example if it was there in the account I would get 2500 but now its not there to split... guess thats a question for my lawyer. Got 20 days answer


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Yup.. Called her to discuss the life insurance and a collection call for a medical bill for our son and I mentioned that it would be smart to figure out the debts before going into divorce and it led to a slightly unpleasant conversation.
> 
> Now I know what she wants which I kinda assumed anyway. Doesn't want joint custody, Doesn't want to pay any child support and will not give me anything else besides towards the car insurance which still goes on my card. I did ask her to switch it before it last month to which she did not, She was going to pay it in full but we both forget our to our sons broken leg. Also wont give me anything out of the savings or tax return yet still tells me I need to list my car for sale but can give me no advice on how I'm suppose to get another one.
> 
> I don't really disagree with the car statement but I cannot afford to buy a new car cash since I have non and she wont give any and even though my credit is pretty decent for the time being I cannot get a loan due to low income since I cant use hers and I have many debts at the moment. She did agree to split the credit card debt but underestimated the amount of course.
> 
> I said we might just need to let a judge figure it out since we wont be able to agree and she said we don't need a judge to decide our lives... She said we can just fill the paperwork out and file it and its done which I think it still needs to get approved by a judge but she insisted it doesn't.
> 
> She said some other things in the phone call and I wasnt very kind at times either but I still believe I kept my composure, didn't yell or anything but she was a tad nasty. Didn't mean for the phone to go that direction especially while she was at work.
> 
> Guess I should try to figure out how to get a lawyer.


You understand that she is trying to screw you, right? I mean, you get that, I am sure. 

You need to hire a lawyer today and you need to file. 

There are rules for dividing assets and spousal and child support. If you don't do this you will put yourself behind the eight ball for a long time to come. 

Please understand that your fear is going to do yourself and your kids a lot of damage if you do not wake up...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> You understand that she is trying to screw you, right? I mean, you get that, I am sure.
> 
> You need to hire a lawyer today and you need to file.
> 
> There are rules for dividing assets and spousal and child support. If you don't do this you will put yourself behind the eight ball for a long time to come.
> 
> Please understand that your fear is going to do yourself and your kids a lot of damage if you do not wake up...


Ive been up i just put the chances of therapy instead of rushing towards divorce first which issn gonna happen now. She has already filed so I just have to find someone to answer it. Just gonna try find the right lawyer make sure I get a good one but thats easier said then done. 

And yes while we both enjoyed the fruits of her labor over the years (which I wanted to change) she is on the path of her having full custody and no support to me is whats best for the kids so thats what she wants. I hate to make it sound like its all about money but thats what it comes down too. I love my kids but Im not gonna back down from her and agree to what she wants just because she says thats what it is


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Ive been up i just put the chances of therapy instead of rushing towards divorce first which issn gonna happen now. She has already filed so I just have to find someone to answer it. Just gonna try find the right lawyer make sure I get a good one but thats easier said then done.
> 
> And yes while we both enjoyed the fruits of her labor over the years (which I wanted to change) she is on the path of her having full custody and no support to me is whats best for the kids so thats what she wants. I hate to make it sound like its all about money but thats what it comes down too. I love my kids but Im not gonna back down from her and agree to what she wants just because she says thats what it is


Unless you are an unfit parent, then there is NO WAY for her to get FULL custody of the children. 

Who told you that, HER? Come on man this is not how divorce works. 

Are you a drug addict? A prostitute? Something like that? 

Because if that is not the case, then the things you are saying ARE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. 

Do you understand that?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> Last night was the first time we actually spoke about doing the divorce besides me asking about therapy and what not and she said she doesn't think we need to go to court knowing that she already filed because she wants to get it done.
> 
> Yeah im gonna have to but what sucks Is she paid the retainer out of the savings account I have to put it on a credit card which sucks.
> 
> Whats funny is last night when we spoke and she laid out what she wants I said thats not happening so she said I guess we need lawyers or something to that affect. I told her not to go to the lawyer at the end of her street he's just a shark looking for money... Thats who she went with!
> 
> He told me if we went to court I would get the large amount of child support and then recommended that we file for legal separation first at a cost of 3k for him to draw it up then can do divorce later. And if she didn't agree to the separation papers would cost more to change them im sure, as opposed to another lawyer who said its better to just file for divorce and ends up being cheaper for me since I don't have to pay him twice.
> 
> Now here's my worry since she just spent 5k out of savings does that get counted towards what would have get split or now its gone so it wont get counted.. That would suck. Example if it was there in the account I would get 2500 but now its not there to split... guess thats a question for my lawyer. Got 20 days answer


She hid this from you. This is why you tell your lawyer every little thing including the cheating. 

See, many states are no fault and adultery doesn’t matter. You hear this a ton. Purely based on semantics this is true. 

What people fail to realize is money spent on the affair partner, trips, presents, purchases, hotels and other things can and have been taken out of marital splitting funds.

https://mensdivorce.com/adultery-no-fault-divorce/

She is not giving you access to mutual fund so, you can actually tell the court to make her pay your court fees.

https://www.lawyers.com/legal-info/...-my-spouse-pay-my-divorce-attorneys-fees.html

What you start doing now is gathering all bills, bank statements, credit card statements, purchases and receipts. Yes, even hers. Sorry, but it is time for you to use manipulation.

Tell her you want this all worked out. Start gathering everything and if she asks, just say you want your fair share before you sign anything. Tell her, like you did us, it is to expensive to fight. Then turn everything over to your attorney.


Do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell her anything. You are even further behind than you realize.


----------



## iaschneider5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She hid this from you. This is why you tell your lawyer every little thing including the cheating.
> 
> See, many states are no fault and adultery doesn’t matter. You hear this a ton. Purely based on semantics this is true.
> 
> What people fail to realize is money spent on the affair partner, trips, presents, purchases, hotels and other things can and have been taken out of marital splitting funds.
> 
> https://mensdivorce.com/adultery-no-fault-divorce/
> 
> She is not giving you access to mutual fund so, you can actually tell the court to make her pay your court fees.
> 
> https://www.lawyers.com/legal-info/...-my-spouse-pay-my-divorce-attorneys-fees.html
> 
> What you start doing now is gathering all bills, bank statements, credit card statements, purchases and receipts. Yes, even hers. Sorry, but it is time for you to use manipulation.
> 
> Tell her you want this all worked out. Start gathering everything and if she asks, just say you want your fair share before you sign anything. Tell her, like you did us, it is to expensive to fight. Then turn everything over to your attorney.
> 
> 
> Do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell her anything. You are even further behind than you realize.


Her cheating was done before marriage and yes i know i should have left but ya know... Love and all.

The savings of course is in her name only. The joint account savings was used for something else so we started putting it in there.

I don't have access to her credit card accounts as a few days ago and she has never had access to mine. I have taken her off mine though but she wasn't using them. 

I said i was willing to talk to her and now she says she's willing to do mediation but I'm not agreeing to full custody there is no reasons for that and as much as she says its about the kids and whats best for them its about money.. Of course that's what she says im after

Yes I need some support my bills are are even without my car and thats due to getting in a relationship with her and 3 kids, but In saying the I've was trying to get her to leave her job for her health which would drastically reduce her income and ours if we were together. then we could make changes but of course all I care about is money.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Find lawyers who give a free consultation, show them this document and see what they say. Tell them she wants mediation, but you will not accept this trash.


See, she is banking on you being stupid. You’ve heard the horror stories so, you were supposed to fold for $25 and no kids. She believes you want to be single so, you’ll jump at her having full custody.

That’s fine, but you did note the link covers bad spending and not sharing funds. If it is a joint savings account she can’t bar you from its use.


----------



## iaschneider5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Find lawyers who give a free consultation, show them this document and see what they say. Tell them she wants mediation, but you will not accept this trash.
> 
> 
> See, she is banking on you being stupid. You’ve heard the horror stories so, you were supposed to fold for $25 and no kids. She believes you want to be single so, you’ll jump at her having full custody.
> 
> That’s fine, but you did note the link covers bad spending and not sharing funds. If it is a joint savings account she can’t bar you from its use.



Yeah Im gonna have to speak to more or pick one from the ones i saw already, Besides the one she hired which seems like a money hungry shark to me which is why I didn't like him. 

Yeah she is delusional if she thinks I'm giving up custody to my baby girl and the boys i fought for. She wont admit it but its about money. for me too I can't be left with nothing I will be in alot of trouble myself. More then I already am and this wouldn't be the case if Inever met her. 

The main 2 credit cards that were used in the following months were both discover cards and mine is quite high now. Last time I was able to see hers it was at 5k out of 9k limit. With mine though all my household bills an expenses are on it every month plus whatever else I buy on hers she has only been paying her car and gas plus whatever she was giving me that has now stopped. 

The joint savings stopped being used at it was being used for a loan against the savings so its still being paid back. We started using her account that is solely in her name so she has denied me access to it. According to the summons even the says it will be marital asset but she's been spending money out of it I know that plus the lawyer retainer.


She wants to come in and get papers and I told her to pick a day and get everything out, I don't wanna just let her in when she feels like it to get things here and there. Am I wrong on that feeling, I mean she's been gone 4 months.


----------



## Marc878

You’re correct. I’d a have a good friend or two around when she shows up at a *scheduled time*


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> You’re correct. I’d a have a good friend or two around when she shows up at a *scheduled time*


Ehh I don't really have any friends, pushed everyone away over time when I got hurt. She's all I got which maybe thats why this has been a tad harder since i don't have many people to talk to besides here!

I told her Id get the paperwork she was looking for but she insisted on coming in and I said just set up a time to get everything which of course wont be everything due to how mixed it is but it will be most of it. 

One thing that keeps getting to me is that she keeps saying she has to get an apartment and I know the besides with me she has never lived on her own. 2 to 3 bedrooms around here are $1400 and up and while she has a good salary after deductions its not gonna be a good mix, Along with I can only imagine how much money is being spent out of the savings account that wont be there to split, Rental deposits, lawyers and whatever else. FML


----------



## Casual Observer

iaschneider5 said:


> Ehh I don't really have any friends, pushed everyone away over time when I got hurt. She's all I got which maybe thats why this has been a tad harder since i don't have many people to talk to besides here!
> 
> I told her Id get the paperwork she was looking for but she insisted on coming in and I said just set up a time to get everything which of course wont be everything due to how mixed it is but it will be most of it.
> 
> One thing that keeps getting to me is that she keeps saying she has to get an apartment and I know the besides with me she has never lived on her own. 2 to 3 bedrooms around here are $1400 and up and while she has a good salary after deductions its not gonna be a good mix, Along with I can only imagine how much money is being spent out of the savings account that wont be there to split, Rental deposits, lawyers and whatever else. FML


You really don't sound like you're going to be able to cut the cord with her. You worry too much about her finances, you talk about her being the only friend you have, and the money going to the lawyers.

She is going to be put in a world of hurt, financially. I don't think she's going to feel much mental anguish at all. You, on the other hand, sound like getting by without her is going to be nearly impossible. And you'll have financial issues too, but you're sharp enough to be able to deal with it.

Are you really ready for this?


----------



## Chuck71

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Find lawyers who give a free consultation, show them this document and see what they say. Tell them she wants mediation, but you will not accept this trash.
> 
> 
> See, she is banking on you being stupid. You’ve heard the horror stories so, you were supposed to fold for $25 and no kids. She believes you want to be single so, you’ll jump at her having full custody.
> 
> That’s fine, but you did note the link covers bad spending and not sharing funds. If it is a joint savings account she can’t bar you from its use.


He will do something.......when he gets sick and tired of being "sick and tired"


----------



## Casual Observer

Chuck71 said:


> He will do something.......when he gets sick and tired of being "sick and tired"


Except that for some people, I might even use myself as an example, being uncomfortable and unhappy about something can settle into a comfort zone of its own. You just get used to it. It may not always be a bad thing, depending upon how the person thinks about him or herself and their place in the world. It might not be what works for you, and it's arguably not a great lifestyle for anyone. But... it seems like a lot of the gets along quite happily being unhappy.


----------



## iaschneider5

In terms of being the only friend I have what I mean really is she's the closest person to me. I do know lots of people but pushed most of them away when I got hurt. I was in extreme amounts of pain until i found the program for my neck. It has improved my life significantly.

Anyway yes I can cut the cord with her because at the end of the sure I will most likely always love and care for her and always worry about how her life is going and the how her medical issues are progressing but I am not just gonna roll over and let her get her way because she says so. I fought for those 2 boys to be mine and Ive raised my little girl and love them all more then anything. If she thinks she's is going to just tell me whats happening and im to accept it she is going to get serious wake up call.

In terms of the whole apartment thing thats kinda the same thing she's gonna get a way up call because she doesn't see that she's not gonna be able to to do or even if she manages to get it and pay for it her life is gonna be extremely tight financially.
She's also banking on not having to pay support. 

Idk if she actually thinks thats whats gonna happen because of what the lawyer told her or what her "friends" that have went through divorce have told her but either way Im not backing down. 

Yes I am concerned about all the savings going to lawyers and be wasted away when there is alot of debt to be paid on both side and yes I would like some of that for myself of course but at the end of the day its just money and just credit it can be spent and rebuilt or paid off. Ive done it before I can do it again.

She is already suffering mentally I can see it in her, she was before this and its not all about me just like any suffering I have isn't all about her but a big portion of it is. I regret not asking her to go to therapy awhile ago but live and learn. She try to hide it and leans on her friends that tell her what she wants to hear. 

I'm looking at layers trying to find one but since ive never had to pick one for something like this I'm looking carefully. 

Yes I still love her and yes I would still go to therapy with her to try fix and work on it if she was willing to commit to it but im not gonna roll over just because she tells me too. F*** that.

Ive never been unhappy really just disappointed in how things are going with either her or my life in general. The injury and workers comp thing is a drag but I have plans for when I settle but its a game and takes time Im sad that we are ending but thats life and it moves on. What really gets to me right now is the kids, non of them understand but the boys are happy to spend more time at grandmas house because duh its grandmas house but my daughter when she is here gets upset alot... Like tonight when we were in bed cuddled up to go to sleep, she started crying and saying she wants mommy to be here and asked why she went there (which I take as why did she move to grandmas house) I will neither infirm nor deny that I cried a bit with her. She's 4 it will take time. It will take time for all of us im sure, just like everyone else that goes through this. 

Maybe one day my wife will wake up and go **** I made a mistake or maybe i should have worked on it with him... Or maybe I hope she does? Anyway im gonna stop typing and go to bed. Such a fun day it was.


----------



## Tilted 1

iaschneider5 said:


> In terms of being the only friend I have what I mean really is she's the closest person to me. I do know lots of people but pushed most of them away when I got hurt. I was in extreme amounts of pain until i found the program for my neck. It has improved my life significantly.
> 
> Anyway yes I can cut the cord with her because at the end of the sure I will most likely always love and care for her and always worry about how her life is going and the how her medical issues are progressing but I am not just gonna roll over and let her get her way because she says so. I fought for those 2 boys to be mine and Ive raised my little girl and love them all more then anything. If she thinks she's is going to just tell me whats happening and im to accept it she is going to get serious wake up call.
> 
> In terms of the whole apartment thing thats kinda the same thing she's gonna get a way up call because she doesn't see that she's not gonna be able to to do or even if she manages to get it and pay for it her life is gonna be extremely tight financially.
> She's also banking on not having to pay support.
> 
> Idk if she actually thinks thats whats gonna happen because of what the lawyer told her or what her "friends" that have went through divorce have told her but either way Im not backing down.
> 
> Yes I am concerned about all the savings going to lawyers and be wasted away when there is alot of debt to be paid on both side and yes I would like some of that for myself of course but at the end of the day its just money and just credit it can be spent and rebuilt or paid off. Ive done it before I can do it again.
> 
> She is already suffering mentally I can see it in her, she was before this and its not all about me just like any suffering I have isn't all about her but a big portion of it is. I regret not asking her to go to therapy awhile ago but live and learn. She try to hide it and leans on her friends that tell her what she wants to hear.
> 
> I'm looking at layers trying to find one but since ive never had to pick one for something like this I'm looking carefully.
> 
> Yes I still love her and yes I would still go to therapy with her to try fix and work on it if she was willing to commit to it but im not gonna roll over just because she tells me too. F*** that.
> 
> Ive never been unhappy really just disappointed in how things are going with either her or my life in general. The injury and workers comp thing is a drag but I have plans for when I settle but its a game and takes time Im sad that we are ending but thats life and it moves on. What really gets to me right now is the kids, non of them understand but the boys are happy to spend more time at grandmas house because duh its grandmas house but my daughter when she is here gets upset alot... Like tonight when we were in bed cuddled up to go to sleep, she started crying and saying she wants mommy to be here and asked why she went there (which I take as why did she move to grandmas house) I will neither infirm nor deny that I cried a bit with her. She's 4 it will take time. It will take time for all of us im sure, just like everyone else that goes through this.
> 
> Maybe one day my wife will wake up and go **** I made a mistake or maybe i should have worked on it with him... Or maybe I hope she does? Anyway im gonna stop typing and go to bed. Such a fun day it was.


Don't count on this, that's why she's getting rid of you.


----------



## iaschneider5

It was all hitting me last night a bit.. Anyway new day and preparing for my fight now since I have no choice. 

So I have a question and not that I'm gonna try be this petty but Im gonna gather as much info as I can just in case it gets real nasty.. So the divorce summons says neither of us should transfer, encumber, assign, remove, withdraw or in any way dispose of without consent of the other party in writing or court order any personal property. There is s long list but in that list is bank account/cash accounts.

Also about no unreasonable debts (further encumbrancing any assets or unreasonably using credit cards)

Anyway would her taking around 3k or more towards renting an apartment be considered doing any of those things listed above? When she has a place to live I mean... Taking money out of savings to move into a new place when she has a place to live.

Also not that it matters but our credit cards that are used on a daily basis have shot up since her leaving. Last time I was able to check hers it was about even with mine BUT I pay all my household bills on mine, Utilities, food, cable, cell phone, storage unit, etc etc she pays no bills on hers and its just whatever she wants to buy/ food for kids/gas. We both bought Christmas gifts on them aswell. I did buy some clearance toys for my kids for next Christmas which is something I always do, A new small stand up freezer at about $145 open box since my deep freezer went out and I had a to buy a new stove. I got a $1400 stove for $500 so I consider that a win. 

Is that something worth mentioning to my lawyer when I find one? Idk what her card is at now but its either still around where it was since she has the cash to put on it or up a bit more like mine is.


----------



## iaschneider5

And I should mention that when she left they were both almost at $0 and have a limit of 9k. Both are over half now.


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## phillybeffandswiss

One thing tends to be true and is backed up by multiple studies. When women are done, they are done. She may wake up, but she will still be done with you regardless of what may come.


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## Affaircare

@iaschneider5,

I can not answer your financial questions absolutely because laws differ from state to state, but here's my suggestion: go to the bank statement online...the credit card statements online...and screenshot them. Save the screeenshot, maybe print it even. Highlight the date the papers WERE FILED. That is roughly where the accounts should stay--their balances on the date the papers were filed. 

If she spends and you can PROVE with evidence that she spent from the bank account and spent on the credit cards, it could be added to your side of the getting more cash. An alternative would be if she withdraws $3k for an apartment AND YOU ARE ALSO WITHDRAWING $3K to do with as you please.

Then show this printed balance to your attorney, who will tell you what you can and can not do. She's likely going to spend a bit between now and Temp Orders, but once Temp Orders are in place a judge will enforce whatever is ordered.


----------



## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> @iaschneider5,
> 
> I can not answer your financial questions absolutely because laws differ from state to state, but here's my suggestion: go to the bank statement online...the credit card statements online...and screenshot them. Save the screeenshot, maybe print it even. Highlight the date the papers WERE FILED. That is roughly where the accounts should stay--their balances on the date the papers were filed.
> 
> If she spends and you can PROVE with evidence that she spent from the bank account and spent on the credit cards, it could be added to your side of the getting more cash. An alternative would be if she withdraws $3k for an apartment AND YOU ARE ALSO WITHDRAWING $3K to do with as you please.
> 
> Then show this printed balance to your attorney, who will tell you what you can and can not do. She's likely going to spend a bit between now and Temp Orders, but once Temp Orders are in place a judge will enforce whatever is ordered.


I cant get into her accounts anymore and all the savings is in her bank of course. She is still on my account but there's nothing in it really. Im trying to decide If I takeover off or just leave her for now.


----------



## iaschneider5

I see it now... Wants to get an apartment to show the judge that she can provide better.. during the phone call she said they are better off being with her and its better for them that she doesn't have to pay me. 

So wants to have full custody, but "allow" me to see them and also be an uber when she needs. Thats what getting the apartment so quick now is about. Interesting timing...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> I see it now... Wants to get an apartment to show the judge that she can provide better.. during the phone call she said they are better off being with her and its better for them that she doesn't have to pay me.
> 
> So wants to have full custody, but "allow" me to see them and also be an uber when she needs. Thats what getting the apartment so quick now is about. Interesting timing...


See, you were supposed to sell the car too.

He has no transportation your honor.
He is injured your honor.
He hasn’t seen his kids your honor.
He sold the car and I don’t know why your honor.
He has memory issues he may forget about kids your honor.





Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.
Lawyer.


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## jlg07

Yeah, she has her plan set with her lawyer and is trying to screw you BIG TIME to get what she wants.
You need to lawyer up ASAP to defend against this.


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Yeah, she has her plan set with her lawyer and is trying to screw you BIG TIME to get what she wants.
> You need to lawyer up ASAP to defend against this.



Yes I'm looking now. I made a few appts but I have t pay them to sit down so im trying to figure out what to do. I like this one women but she doesn't have an appt I can make until the 29th and that doesn't leave much time to file the response. 

She says its all about the kids but I bet if the rolls were reversed she would be coming after me for every dime.

The women making my appt asked if I knew who my wife lawyer is and I told her that I sat down with him for a consult and she didn't seem to like that very much. Said she would leave a note for the lawyer and told me to make sure I mention it because it could be a conflict of interest because I spoke to him. 

Picking a lawyer to me is liking picking a DR for surgery gotta try to get the best you can and not someone out for just money.


----------



## Marc878

You will have enough problems to deal with. Let her deal with her end. That’s Not your problem anymore. She fired you.

She’s planned this out.

I’ve seen many live on hopium that they’ll “get it”. When the reality is you need to get that this is who she is. 

As you reflect back you’ll probably see this has always been there. You probably glossed over or ignored it.


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## iaschneider5

She has always been someone who doesn't wanna talk about issues or ignore them but I think that hs to do with her past... i guess we can call them relationships. Nothing real serious besides me. Easier to walk away then actually work on stuff.

Narrowed it down to 5 lawyers so far, 3 women and 2 men. Spent all morning checking reviews on multiple sites, looking for any misconduct stuff like that. Its funny how one site will have all perfect reviews then checking others there is all kinds of stuff thats not so great. Trying to not make a bad choice. 

I'm pretty sure my wife just went with the first person she sat down with. He's defiantly a slick salesman I can say that much.


----------



## iaschneider5

The one guy that I sat down with months ago made a point to tell me that he lives in a modest house, drives a KIA, and isn't out for just money yet his hourly rate is the highest so far. His AVVO ratings are really good. Read the negatives and it kinda changes the picture. Then on the other sites its a bit more of the same.


----------



## iaschneider5

I asked her why she feels she should have full custody and she said because she is their mother. 

When I said I want joint she said they are with her more anyway and she wants them more... Said she was gonna talk to me about taking them more but now not gonna bother.. I see what the plan is there.

I asked her why she feels she should have them more and she she said because she birthed them. I'm still their dad. I still fought for those 2 boys. What does she think I'm just gonna give them up so easily? and then of course turns it around that all I care about is money... I def need something but thats not why Im fighting for them and thats not why i fought to adopt them or are there every min of my kids lives.

I'm a tad pissed thinking about all this so im venting


----------



## jlg07

Did you ever find out -- if the lawyer that SHE is using is one that YOU paid to interview before her, then that is a conflict of interest and that lawyer would NOT be able to represent her. You should, once you pick your lawyer, look into this right away.


----------



## MJJEAN

iaschneider5 said:


> When I said I want joint she said they are with her more anyway and she wants them more... Said she was gonna talk to me about taking them more but now not gonna bother.. I see what the plan is there.


Judges like status quo. The longer the kids are "with her more" the more status quo is established. You need to file NOW. If you continue dithering she's going to walk away with primary custody and you'll be a Disney Dad.


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Did you ever find out -- if the lawyer that SHE is using is one that YOU paid to interview before her, then that is a conflict of interest and that lawyer would NOT be able to represent her. You should, once you pick your lawyer, look into this right away.



I haven't yet, I have some appts with lawyers next week but I have to pay them so im trying to narrow it down. I licked this one women after looking into her but I cant get to her until the 29th which is very close to the date I have to respond so Idk if thats gonna work. Her partner also seems good maybe I will see If I can sit down with her. 

I did post a question about it on AVVO and a lawyer responded if any personal details were given then yes he should step down from working with her. Shouldn't he know that though?

I will note that I did not pay him it was a free consultation but still lots of details were given.


----------



## iaschneider5

MJJEAN said:


> Judges like status quo. The longer the kids are "with her more" the more status quo is established. You need to file NOW. If you continue dithering she's going to walk away with primary custody and you'll be a Disney Dad.


Yeah now that she's talking about not paying support I see what she's doing there. Said on the phone she has them 4 days and I have them 3.

Heres what it is. When she left she took them the night before her day off. She wasn't happy with it because she wanted to see them more which I get because I'm the same way.

She asked me if I would be willing to try out letting her have them sat night until Tuesday and from there I would get everyone after school. Plus her day off. Her day off rotates so depending on the week she would have them 3 or 4 days depending on if her day off was sat, mon, or tuesday.

Now on the Mon and Tuesday I have to pick up my daughter at 645 in the morning then drop her off at 6pm to her. I Haven't been happy with that since she's always so grumpy from waking up so early. I don't think its fair to her. 

I suggested in the past that I just keep her after monday instead of dropping her off and we never finished the conversation but thats what I would like to do. 

Right now she is insisting that it means she has them more then me even though if she's working mon and tuesday, her mom watches them until she gets home and I have to keep my daughter during that time.

During the phone call when she told me hers plans about no support and full custody at the end she said she was gonna suggest having them more but not now.... I think the lawyer has put a lot of stuff in her head. In Oct/Novemeber when when I was trying to talk to her about it she was putting out support numbers and saying of course joint custody.


----------



## MJJEAN

iaschneider5 said:


> Yeah now that she's talking about not paying support I see what she's doing there. Said on the phone she has them 4 days and I have them 3.
> 
> Right now she is insisting that it means she has them more then me even though if she's working mon and tuesday, her mom watches them until she gets home and I have to keep my daughter during that time.
> 
> During the phone call when she told me hers plans about no support and full custody at the end she said she was gonna suggest having them more but not now.... I think the lawyer has put a lot of stuff in her head. In Oct/Novemeber when when I was trying to talk to her about it she was putting out support numbers and saying of course joint custody.


If she has then 4 days a week, she does have them more than you.

Some judges will allow a clause called "the right of first refusal". It means that she can only leave the kids with a sitter when you've been offered that time and declined.

It doesn't matter where she heard what or who is whispering in her ear. What matters is what a judge says. Temporary orders are often the template for the final decree, so you need to handle this.


----------



## iaschneider5

MJJEAN said:


> If she has then 4 days a week, she does have them more than you.
> 
> Some judges will allow a clause called "the right of first refusal". It means that she can only leave the kids with a sitter when you've been offered that time and declined.
> 
> It doesn't matter where she heard what or who is whispering in her ear. What matters is what a judge says. Temporary orders are often the template for the final decree, so you need to handle this.


How does a 7 day week get split? and it varies to me since her days off change some weeks are 4 days her and some are 4 me. I consider it even.

I would never refuse to have them, but I will look into that. On Monday and Tuesday I would gladly take the boys home with me but they like to spend time with their grandmother so I didn't mind but if its gonna get used against me I will put up a big fight to change the way its been going. I thought we were being civil and trying to figure out a nice way to split them.

Now thats she's telling me she wants them more and she deserves full custody because she is their mom and I don't I'm not too happy. 

Very anxious to sit down with a lawyer to actually hire.


----------



## iaschneider5

During the conversation she said she would just fight to have them all the time and send them to before and after school care instead of me having them... It was a bit heated at that point.


----------



## notmyjamie

iaschneider5 said:


> During the conversation she said she would just fight to have them all the time and send them to before and after school care instead of me having them... It was a bit heated at that point.


She seems to think this is 30 years ago when Dads had no rights. I gave birth to my kids...that does NOT mean I love my kids more or that they don't need their Dad. Please, get a lawyer as fast as possible. 

My STBXH and I split the nights with our kids on a 4/3 rotating schedule. Meaning, he has them 4 nights this week 3 nights the next. True 50/50 custody. Neither of us pays the other a dime for it. He pays for the health insurance so I pay for incidentals, prescriptions, copays, etc until I have paid out the same as him for the year...then we split the rest. It's really the most fair way to do it. 

In reality I probably pay a bit more because my kids hit me up for stuff while we're out and I forget to track it..."Hey Mom...I need sneakers and I like these ones!!" But that's my fault, not my ex's. He'd split it very willingly. He's got issues, but overall he's a good Dad and he loves his kids a lot. And I'm willing to bet the same thing happens to him.


----------



## iaschneider5

notmyjamie said:


> She seems to think this is 30 years ago when Dads had no rights. I gave birth to my kids...that does NOT mean my I love my kids more or that they don't need their Dad. Please, get a lawyer as fast as possible.
> 
> My STBXH and I split the nights with our kids on a 4/3 rotating schedule. Meaning, he has them 4 nights this week 3 nights the next. True 50/50 custody. Neither of us pays the other a dime for it. He pays for the health insurance so I pay for incidentals, prescriptions, copays, etc until I have paid out the same as him for the year...then we split the rest. It's really the most fair way to do it.
> comp cl
> In reality I probably pay a bit more because my kids hit me up for stuff while we're out and I forget to track it..."Hey Mom...I need sneakers and I like these ones!!" But that's my fault, not my ex's. He'd split it very willingly. He's got issues, but overall he's a good Dad and he loves his kids a lot. And I'm willing to bet the same thing happens to him.


I really think its that lawyer that has her thinking like this but I think the point is for him to make as much money as possible by dragging this out. 

I really hate to say this and seem this way but in terms of money I cant do it by myself, without her help. If I was able to settle my comp claim I might just sign off on the support but she's trying to make it seem like thats all I care about when every time she talks it seems to be the only thing on her mind. 

I will getting a lawyer this week. I wanna get a good one but I still wanna be the bigger person during all this and not be petty or aggressive but maybe I won't be able idk


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## jlg07

"I will getting a lawyer this week. I wanna get a good one but I still wanna be the bigger person during all this and not be petty or aggressive but maybe I won't be able idk"

You need to stop thinking like this or you will agree yourself into the poor house. Make sure that things are equitable, and I don't mean you both pay half. If she makes more money, YOU will probably be entitled to alimony. You don't need to be petty, but you SHOULD be aggressive in defense of yourself/kids. Don't let her/her lawyer push you around and make sure the lawyer YOU get knows what they are currently trying to do and make sure that THEY are a shark and will fight for you.


----------



## notmyjamie

jlg07 said:


> "I will getting a lawyer this week. I wanna get a good one but I still wanna be the bigger person during all this and not be petty or aggressive but maybe I won't be able idk"
> 
> You need to stop thinking like this or you will agree yourself into the poor house. Make sure that things are equitable, and I don't mean you both pay half. If she makes more money, YOU will probably be entitled to alimony. You don't need to be petty, but you SHOULD be aggressive in defense of yourself/kids. Don't let her/her lawyer push you around and make sure the lawyer YOU get knows what they are currently trying to do and make sure that THEY are a shark and will fight for you.


Agreed!!!! The saying nice guys finish last applies here...she's trying to screw you over and take your kids away from you. Don't let her!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## iaschneider5

notmyjamie said:


> Agreed!!!! The saying nice guys finish last applies here...she's trying to screw you over and take your kids away from you. Don't let her!!!!!!!!!!



I know! Thats why im trying to make sure I pick the right lawyer before I proceed. She will not be taking my kids and there's no real argument she can use considering she fought with me for them to be adopted by me. I still have all the home study paperwork and things like that. Only thing she has said right now is that she deserves to have them more or in full because she is their mother and birthed them.


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## Marc878

Nope, it’s all about $’s as in child support


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Nope, it’s all about $’s as in child support


Seems like it always come down to that. Its on my mind as well but I would never sit there and say the kids would be better with off with me over her or that I deserve more custody or see them more.


----------



## iaschneider5

Hmm I'm thinking should I tell my wife that I consider getting an apartment spending money that isn't necessary since she has a place to live and could be going against her own divorce petition? Is It?


----------



## Affaircare

@iaschneider5, 

At this point you are doing a lot of "thinking" and not as much acting, and the time for acting is now. She has filed for divorce. Divorce means not living in the same house together any more. Divorce also means that she has fired you from the job of being in her life or being her spouse. It doesn't make any difference "what you think" about her getting an apartment or not. 

Here's the scoop: right now she has filed, she makes the money, she has moved out (to her parents' house if I remember correctly), and she is asking for full custody of all children, CS from you (yes, in the amount of $25/mo but still she's not paying you). In 20 days...or something like 18 now...if you do not ACT you will lose your wife, your kids, your financial support, and most likely your home. 

She is divorcing you. She will be living elsewhere. Spending the money to get a suitable place for her and the three children she intends to have full time would be RESPONSIBLE in a judge's eyes. The only possible leg you have to stand on is that if she takes $5k to rent and furnish and apartment, an equal amount needs to be made available to you (to do with as YOU please). If she does not, when you go to your temporary hearing the judge will do a little slap on the wrists and say "give him $5k." 

So my best advice to you would be to stop worrying about and thinking about your STBXW, and start responding to her filing by hiring a lawyer to protect your interests. Next, find your state's divorce laws, and start reading!! https://www.divorcesource.com/ds/main/state-divorce-laws-656.shtml Knowledge is power. Don't think about "her" and "what she should or shouldn't do" because that ship has sailed. Put all your energy into doing what YOU need to do for YOUR best interests.


----------



## iaschneider5

Spoke to a lawyer today and he said the one she hired will drag it out for over a year because thats what he does. Delays and ignores until the judge makes him do things. 

I have the power to have him recuse himself because I consulted with him which I will do. 

I didn't wanna fight like this but this is what its gonna be. She's pissed at me now because she wanted to come in and get some papers and I said no as before I wanted more warning. I gave her the bin she asked for but took out anything pertaining to me so now she's mad excuse I went through her "things" and saying its illegal to not give her access when she wants it. 

I took out the title to my car, Birth certificate, adoption papers for the kids to which she says she's wants and I need to give it to her. 

I offered to look for what she needed just tell me where to look but she said its non of my business and she wants to get it.


----------



## iaschneider5

Is it wrong of me to pack up her stuff for her? or as much as i can? She says I cant expect her to pack it up and move it out in one day... Its like 4 or 5 boxes at most. Besides the dresser which is large of course. 

I just wanna make some room, make it easier and quicker for her to get her stuff out. I'm sure it would piss her off but oh well. Its mostly clothes, some craft stuff, kids stuff im sure she's gonna wanna take, about 5 fancy purses. The clothes in the dresser I would just leave be. And paperwork, apparently some is hidden since she wont tell me where it is!


----------



## Affaircare

@iaschneider5, 

I am not a lawyer, but I have been through my own divorce, and I did work with people for 20 years regarding infidelity issues, and here's my layman's opinion:

#1 Any paper that is "your birth certicate" or "your title to your car" or "your adoption paper" is yours to keep. It belongs to you, is regarding you, and is your property. However, she'll probably end us asking for a copy of them through a deposition or something, so it would be reasonable to make a PHOTOCOPY of them, keep the original yourself somewhere off premises (such as a security box at the bank), and give her a photocopy. 

#2 It is not illegal for you to keep your important papers. Period.

#3 It is not wrong for you to pack her things (thinking of "right and wrong" vs. "legal and illegal"). At this time, she has left the house, lived somewhere else, and filed for divorce so it is no longer considered her residence. Now she may have some legal claim (to equity) if her name is on the lease, mortgage, deed etc., but you can reasonably state she moved out and thus AT MINIMUM she needs to make arrangements with you. From a "right and wrong" perspective, she has moved out and it is reasonable for you to pack her things and leave them neatly in a box, in your garage...and she can pick them up out of the garage when she makes arrangements with you. Alternatively, you can rent her a storage space for one month, put her things in boxes, put the boxes in the storage unit, and send her the key to the storage unit. After the month is up, it's up to her to either go pick up her stuff or she'll lose it, but no matter what, it is out of YOUR house. 

#4 No matter what that paperwork is, I would DEFINITELY go on the search for it (in YOUR house) and make a photocopy. My guess is that her lawyer told her she needs XYZ and it may or may not prove something so she needs to get it out of YOUR house! 

See, what she still has not quite understood is that anything that is hers is HALF YOURS. She is going to lose HALF of everything she built up with you because the two of you did it together...it is not all hers! Furthermore, your lawyer, and eventually a judge, is going to REQUIRE her to give you a copy of every paper she once had at the house (for things like bills, bank statements, etc.) and copies of her paycheck stub, money she withdrew for herself, etc. ALL THESE THINGS are eventually going to HAVE TO be given to you as equally as it was taken by her. So as an example, your lawyer WILL ask for disclosure and she will have to give the lawyer MONTHS (maybe YEARS) worth of bank statements to show what she earned, what you earned, what she spent, what you spent, etc. ... and based on that, it will be split 50/50! 

So yeah...look for that paperwork. I suspect it will show how much she's actually spent or hidden and she won't give that up easily. Make a photocopy of anything you find, because she may give "just the last few months" and who knows what, where you'll have an actual copy of what actually happened. 

Make sense?


----------



## Marduk

iaschneider5 said:


> Is it wrong of me to pack up her stuff for her? or as much as i can? She says I cant expect her to pack it up and move it out in one day... Its like 4 or 5 boxes at most. Besides the dresser which is large of course.
> 
> I just wanna make some room, make it easier and quicker for her to get her stuff out. I'm sure it would piss her off but oh well. Its mostly clothes, some craft stuff, kids stuff im sure she's gonna wanna take, about 5 fancy purses. The clothes in the dresser I would just leave be. And paperwork, apparently some is hidden since she wont tell me where it is!


What @Affaircare said. 

And just because it’s the way I am, what I would do is pack her stuff up and put it in self storage. Pay the bill for 1 month, and give her the key. 

If she hasn’t packed it up, she can pay the storage costs. If she does neither, they will auction her stuff off. 

Either way it’s not your problem any more.


----------



## iaschneider5

I plan to copy anything I have.. The adoption paperwork is for the 2 boys I adopted which she insisted she gets to keep but to me sinceIm the one that adopted them I would like to keep that paperwork. 

What she was looking for was her birth certificate which she said was in the bin of papers she wanted of course its not so she asked to come over and look.. All I said was pick a time and day and try to get as much as you can. She says she needs it to renew her license so she doesn't lose her job but to me she shouldn't have left it to the last minute!

I'm gonna pack everything up and stick it in my shed for now out of the way. Only financial things im worried about now are after she left. I didn't have much access to it after that. Before that I took care of and had access to everything. I was able to see her credit cards for a bit but not the savings accounts but she did tell me how much was in it so I do have a screenshot of that in case she try to lie. 

She said it was illegal for me to deny her access to her stuff but from my light reading on the subject thats not the case. She's not on the lease here anyway but I'm not gonna deny her access overall I just want more warning. I'm gonna get some boxes and pack up as much as I can and as nicely as I can... And take pics of it so she cant claim I just threw it in there. CYA. 

I know she's gonna be pissed when I make it so she has to find a new lawyer... 

Thank you for the advice. 

As I was typing this I was staring at an ad on this page for her lawyer! His ads are everywhere and me and him actually talked about them and how much he pays for them and whatever else. The guy on the left.


----------



## iaschneider5

Found her birth cert. It was stuck between the kids adoption papers which is why i didn't see it before. I just took the paperclip off so I could take a look at them and there it was. Guess Ill be nice and give it to her tomorrow. 

And then call more lawyers haha


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## Affaircare

Sure, give it to her...after you make a PHOTOCOPY for your own records. Come on man, be smart. Nice is okay don't get me wrong, but don't harm yourself to be "nice"...be WISE.

P.S. Glad you found it.  Now she has no excuse to "have to" come searching through the house. That's a good thing!


----------



## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> Sure, give it to her...after you make a PHOTOCOPY for your own records. Come on man, be smart. Nice is okay don't get me wrong, but don't harm yourself to be "nice"...be WISE.
> 
> P.S. Glad you found it.  Now she has no excuse to "have to" come searching through the house. That's a good thing!


Already scanned it into the computer! and found her SS card by accident. Both scanned! And yes now im curious what she's gonna say. I'm sure she still wants to get her stuff but not as quick now. Guess we will see.


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## iaschneider5

Well of course the birth cert I found is not the official copy so she still wants to come in. Ugh


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## Marduk

iaschneider5 said:


> Well of course the birth cert I found is not the official copy so she still wants to come in. Ugh


"No. I'm fairly sure it's not here. If I find it I will notify you immediately. But you're not coming in here and rummaging through my property looking for something you have lost and probably isn't even here. If the document is not considered official, you may have to request a new one."


----------



## jane jasmine

I believe small steps and going day through day, can provide some optimistic results.
Make yourself a few goals (they don't have to be big), and then make everyday plans of activities to realize those goals.

Make changes in your life, start doing sports, start seeing a community (like sports or some other activity based community) and become a new self.

And most importantly, make friends.


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## Affaircare

Marduk said:


> "No. I'm fairly sure it's not here. If I find it I will notify you immediately. But you're not coming in here and rummaging through my property looking for something you have lost and probably isn't even here. If the document is not considered official, you may have to request a new one."


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

Just QFT (quoting for truth)


----------



## Adelais

The next time she contacts you in an attempt to enter your house on the pretense of finding the original, you can tell her, "You have all the information you need on that unofficial one to request an official one. You'd better get busy applying for a new one before you run out of time. You mean you haven't already??" For being a procrastinator she will sweat bullets, but that is not your fault or your problem to fix.


----------



## Openminded

The answer is “no”.


----------



## iaschneider5

She decided to wait to get her stuff.... I think she is moving in her new place on the 1st so that is why. I did sit with a lawyer on thursday but forgot to ask about packing the stuff up, If there was anything she can do against me If I did so but I'm gonna just do it anyway. Bought boxes the other day. Just waiting until the weekend when my kids are gone. 

So I have a moral dilemma since I'm in a very confused state lately. After sitting with the lawyer I reached out to my wife and asked her where does she realistically stand on things. I am or was still willing to just sit with her and try figure out an amount of support that would work for both of us. Or if she was willing to go to mediation with me still. She said its a waste of time to go if I will not agree to no support. 

She said because she is in the school district that we send them to It makes sense for her to have them more (mind you she works full time I do not).The lawyer I spoke with says we can be joint and set one as the address for school.

"My lawyer said there is no reason to pay child support when I have the kids more". Right now I consider it split and I was trying to change it because I see no reason to bring my daughter back over to her house at 6pm just to pick her back up at 645am. I get she wants to spend time with her but so do I and I think that's an unnecessary back and forth and she now says she wants to keep them from sat night until Wed after school. I would still have to pick up my daughter every morning monday thru wed at 645 and bring her back over at 6pm monody and tuesday night. 

She said its sad I fighting with her on it and has said the stuff about she should have them more because she is their mother and birthed them. Also said It just makes sense that whoever they are with at the time is the one who pays for stuff at that time. I dont think she's wrong but I make 12k on comp she makes 50k... Which not to sound like a **** but she wouldn't have that job if I wasn't in her life. 

Ok enough rambling back to my dilemma. I am going into more debt every second I breath and since she has stopped giving me anything Its getting worse. Every lawyer I spoke to (including hers) said Its not gonna work out the way she thinks it is even If I signed something It wouldn't getting past a judge. I know she just got an apartment and ITs at least $1400 which she can't afford anyway but I know once any child support comes into play S*** will hit the fan with her. And as she's stated which I think is BS that there wont be much left of the savings account by the time we are done considering all the stuff she has to get for her apartment and she's been paying down her debt (along with lawyers, apartment deposits/Rent). I want to get something from her but how do you I do it with out feeling bad and causing more issues. She wont discuss the tax return with me said she was gonna ask her lawyer first.

How should I proceed here? What would you do? How do I not feel bad? Be gentle please....


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Nope, I will tell you right now that split gives her primary custody. You make yourself primary or let the judge decide. That means she will end up with all decision making, you will pay some form of child support and possibly alimony.

Sorry, but she is now an enemy. You cannot talk business with her without a lawyer. Yes, custody is now a business decision.

Debt sucks, but If you fight it will end. If you don’t the debt will continue and you will have even less access to your children. Log everything she spends and doesn’t let you have access to.


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## iaschneider5

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Nope, I will tell you right now that split gives her primary custody. You make yourself primary or let the judge decide. That means she will end up with all decision making, you will pay some form of child support and possibly alimony.
> 
> Sorry, but she is now an enemy. You cannot talk business with her without a lawyer. Yes, custody is now a business decision.
> 
> Debt sucks, but If you fight it will end. If you don’t the debt will continue and you will have even less access to your children. Log everything she spends and doesn’t let you have access to.


I know and I know she is doing it because of money. I know she wants to see them but money i important. Its Always money isn't it?
I dont want her to be my enemy but I know I dont have a choice.

My moral dilemma is that she has just gotten an apartment that she will move into soon. If I fight hard for support she wont be able to have it. If she already moves into before those choices are made it will cause her and the kids alot of issues simply because she will have to move out and back to her moms. I wanna with for what I know I'm entilited too but the other half of me doesn't. I will be so screwed without any support. 

Part of me wants to just tell her she needs to stop this move because Im not backing down and its not gonna go the way she thinks it will, I tried talking to her to try figure something out but she wont budge. Prior to the lawyer getting involved she was talking about how much she would wanna do in support and how it would work. It abruptly stopped.... I should have known what was going on.


----------



## iaschneider5

Ok would like some opinions. My apartment is small 2 bedroom. The kitchen i downstairs and the living area/bedroom upstairs. 
We have 2 tvs. One in the living room and one in my bedroom. Prior to her leaving when I would go and cook they would stay upstairs with her or maybe one would come with me. They get crazy sometimes all together. 

So I picked up a cheap tv for christmas for the kids for the kitchen since bring them down with me now. If I leave them upstairs to whatever they are doing it ends in a wrestling match. So downstairs I have a tv, Legos, coloring supplies for now all on the table.

My wife knows about the new tv of course and today she asked me for one of them. She knows why I have 3 now and she has one but she is asking me for one of them. I told her Ill think it over. I do feel its a bit messed up considering she knows why I got the 3rd one. Maybe Its not messed up Idk

Any thoughts or opinions?


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## iaschneider5

Should I just give her one and get another myself?


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## Marc878

Learn to ignore her. If not you will keep yourself trapped in this. 

You will find not everything requires a response. 

The only one who can keep yourself in this is you.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Learn to ignore her. If not you will keep yourself trapped in this.
> 
> You will find not everything requires a response.
> 
> The only one who can keep yourself in this is you.


Yeah my brain is back and forth right now about the custody and support battle considering I know she is moving into an apartment in 2 weeks and if I get any amount in child support its gonna be impossible for her to keep the place. Its already gonna be hard and I dont think she understands that. 

Today I sat with my son today who's in the wheelchair for awhile at her moms house since I dont spend alot of time with him lately. When she got back with the other 2 kids her car was parked with stuff for her new apartment. It makes me feel bad...I also know i will be in so much trouble financially without some help. FML

When I met her she had to leave the post office and was working at Bed Bath and Beyond. We worked together for her to go back and build a career and now she says it was all her and she did it alone. If I never entered her life or left her after she cheated she wouldn't be working there.


----------



## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Yeah my brain is back and forth right now about the custody and support battle considering I know she is moving into an apartment in 2 weeks and if I get any amount in child support its gonna be impossible for her to keep the place. Its already gonna be hard and I dont think she understands that.
> 
> Today I sat with my son today who's in the wheelchair for awhile at her moms house since I dont spend alot of time with him lately. When she got back with the other 2 kids her car was parked with stuff for her new apartment. It makes me feel bad...I also know i will be in so much trouble financially without some help. FML
> 
> When I met her she had to leave the post office and was working at Bed Bath and Beyond. We worked together for her to go back and build a career and now she says it was all her and she did it alone. If I never entered her life or left her after she cheated she wouldn't be working there.


Now ask yourself what are you getting from these interactions?

Her life is her problem to figure out. You’ve got enough problems of your own.

Better figure out contact gets you nothing. It’s all about her and you don’t matter.

Better go your own way or you’ll be wishing you had.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Now ask yourself what are you getting from these interactions?
> 
> Her life is her problem to figure out. You’ve got enough problems of your own.
> 
> Better figure out contact gets you nothing. It’s all about her and you don’t matter.
> 
> Better go your own way or you’ll be wishing you had.


I know I know. In terms of the apartment my issue is the kids. She is gonna move them in there get everything settled then have to move them back out. I hate to do that to them. I hate to do it to her but Its really about the kids for me at this moment. 

I'm not giving her a tv I dont see a reason. I got the 3rd one to make my life easier while I cook for them in keeping them entertained. Thats all it for nothing else. The 2 upstairs are a mix depending on the day


----------



## Marc878

Like most you’re raised to be nice and polite. I’m not saying to not be civil but this current mentality will work against you in this situation.

No or limited contact is your only good option.

It’s an action you can take. No one can stop you but yourself.

Look after yourself. Only then will you be able to tend to your kids as well.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Like most you’re raised to be nice and polite. I’m not saying to not be civil but this current mentality will work against you in this situation.
> 
> No or limited contact is your only good option.
> 
> It’s an action you can take. No one can stop you but yourself.
> 
> Look after yourself. Only then will you be able to tend to your kids as well.


I'm civil as I can most of the time. She said im being unreasonable in terms of the support... One thing that just popped into my head is that my son has to stay in a wheelchair for at least 4-5 more weeks... Needs 2 people being loaded in the car and out. Same with toilet and bath time. How is she going to move in2 weeks and be able to do all of that? getting him to school in the car and all that. Doesn't make any sense. 

I think she made a big mistake getting an apartment right now. I'm trying to stop. I know I just need to hire a lawyer and let them dowaht they do. She's gonna be pissed when she has to find a new one.


----------



## Marc878

You are worrying about her problems when you’re going to have enough problems handling your own side.

You’re unreasonable to her because she wants it all her way. She’s fine with you homeless bud.

You haven’t fully awakened to this yet.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> You are worrying about her problems when you’re going to have enough problems handling your own side.
> 
> You’re unreasonable to her because she wants it all her way. She’s fine with you homeless bud.
> 
> You haven’t fully awakened to this yet.


I know! Im working on it but I'm still gonna get a lawyer and let them fight. Maybe when I actually get one and have her lawyer recuse himself she will start to see she made a mistake and needs to agree to something. 

She has said in the past that if we go to court I won't get joint custody and anything else. Family court around here does favor the mother but this isn't family court that we are going too...


----------



## Marc878

Don’t bank on her understanding or getting it. Self entitled people rarely do.


----------



## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Don’t bank on her understanding or getting it. Self entitled people rarely do.


I can only hope. She's never acted like this before, guess its either the real her or just listening to a bunch of people and getting the wrong info on ho she's supposed to be idk.


----------



## Chuck71

STOP focusing on her and her damn needs. Worry about YOU and the kids. You are the grass and she is the lawn

mower. But you can change that..... WHEN you are ready to


----------



## Affaircare

@iaschneider5,

Again, this is actually fairly easy but you are complicating it. She is free to move or not move as she sees fit. She can get the new apartment, get new "stuff" (new to her anyway), and move whenever she wants. If she does it at a time that wastes a bunch of money, all that means is that you document the approximate costs/waste and that amount will be added to your 50% of the marital assets. If she has to move back and forth, that is HERS to figure out, not yours. 

In addition, IF YOU GET A LAWYER, your lawyer can talk to her lawyer and either demand amounts of money equal to what she is spending (for you) OR demand that she stop spending! 

What you can NOT DO is "tell her what to do" or "tell her when to do it." When you were married you couldn't control her, because the only person you can control is yourself--and now that she has fired you from the job of being her spouse, you not only can't control her, but you are no longer the person in the job to "care for her" or "take care of her." In other words, she gets to pull up the big girl panties and fall right on her face if that's what she wants to do.

YOUR JOB is to get yourself a lawyer who will defend your best interests. Right now she is acting like she gets all the money--your lawyer will talk to her lawyer who will tell her that nope actually it's going to be $50k + $20K divided by 2 = $35k each household which means she'll owe you about $15K per year. Right now she is acting like she'll get the kids all the time--your lawyer will talk to her lawyer who will explain to her that NOPE she gets them 4-3-3-4 or some other arrangement of 50/50. That means she will be ordered by the court to let them stay at your house and while they are there, she can not interfere with how you raise them or what you choose to do with them. 

So your job is not to tell her when to move or how much to spend. Your job is to defend your best interests, and the way you do that is to get some legal representation! Then you let your lawyer defend your legal rights TO THE FULLEST and part of that will be your lawyer demanding that her lawyer recuse himself. She will get a great big dose of reality and it won't be "YOU" being a meanie--it will be society, through the courts, telling her that no, she is not going to get everything "her way." If you try to tell her that, she'll just ignore you and you will lose the kids and the support you are owed. If you let the courts order her, then the courts have the power to enforce the order. She will not like it but she will have to comply. 

So stop focusing on what is not your business. Focus instead on getting your lawyer, getting the evidence to your lawyer, and then letting your lawyer DO THE DEFENDING FOR YOU.


----------



## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> @iaschneider5,
> 
> Again, this is actually fairly easy but you are complicating it. She is free to move or not move as she sees fit. She can get the new apartment, get new "stuff" (new to her anyway), and move whenever she wants. If she does it at a time that wastes a bunch of money, all that means is that you document the approximate costs/waste and that amount will be added to your 50% of the marital assets. If she has to move back and forth, that is HERS to figure out, not yours.
> 
> In addition, IF YOU GET A LAWYER, your lawyer can talk to her lawyer and either demand amounts of money equal to what she is spending (for you) OR demand that she stop spending!
> 
> What you can NOT DO is "tell her what to do" or "tell her when to do it." When you were married you couldn't control her, because the only person you can control is yourself--and now that she has fired you from the job of being her spouse, you not only can't control her, but you are no longer the person in the job to "care for her" or "take care of her." In other words, she gets to pull up the big girl panties and fall right on her face if that's what she wants to do.
> 
> YOUR JOB is to get yourself a lawyer who will defend your best interests. Right now she is acting like she gets all the money--your lawyer will talk to her lawyer who will tell her that nope actually it's going to be $50k + $20K divided by 2 = $35k each household which means she'll owe you about $15K per year. Right now she is acting like she'll get the kids all the time--your lawyer will talk to her lawyer who will explain to her that NOPE she gets them 4-3-3-4 or some other arrangement of 50/50. That means she will be ordered by the court to let them stay at your house and while they are there, she can not interfere with how you raise them or what you choose to do with them.
> 
> So your job is not to tell her when to move or how much to spend. Your job is to defend your best interests, and the way you do that is to get some legal representation! Then you let your lawyer defend your legal rights TO THE FULLEST and part of that will be your lawyer demanding that her lawyer recuse himself. She will get a great big dose of reality and it won't be "YOU" being a meanie--it will be society, through the courts, telling her that no, she is not going to get everything "her way." If you try to tell her that, she'll just ignore you and you will lose the kids and the support you are owed. If you let the courts order her, then the courts have the power to enforce the order. She will not like it but she will have to comply.
> 
> So stop focusing on what is not your business. Focus instead on getting your lawyer, getting the evidence to your lawyer, and then letting your lawyer DO THE DEFENDING FOR YOU.



I know I know. And yes while I am worried how she is going to be through all this I'm not gonna sit to the side and roll over for her but what I am concerned about is my kids through all this. They will suffer as well and I'm not looking for forward to it. 1 more lawyer and I will pick someone by the end of the week and get this moving.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> I know! Im working on it but I'm still gonna get a lawyer and let them fight. Maybe when I actually get one and have her lawyer recuse himself she will start to see she made a mistake and needs to agree to something.
> 
> She has said in the past that if we go to court I won't get joint custody and anything else. Family court around here does favor the mother but this isn't family court that we are going too...


NO, NO, NO... you don't know. This has been going on how long. 

EVERYONE TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. 

EVEYRONE TOLD YOU WHAT KIND OF WOMAN SHE WAS...

Good grief man, would you please wake the **** up and grow a pair of balls. 

Can't you see that you are hurting yourself and your kids by modeling this type of weak behavior. 

This is how they will think men are supposed to act. 

Is there anything that we can say that will wake you up?????


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> I'm civil as I can most of the time. She said im being unreasonable in terms of the support... One thing that just popped into my head is that my son has to stay in a wheelchair for at least 4-5 more weeks... Needs 2 people being loaded in the car and out. Same with toilet and bath time. How is she going to move in2 weeks and be able to do all of that? getting him to school in the car and all that. Doesn't make any sense.
> 
> I think she made a big mistake getting an apartment right now. I'm trying to stop. I know I just need to hire a lawyer and let them dowaht they do. She's gonna be pissed when she has to find a new one.


Go read No more Mr Nice Guy. She left you, why are you worried about her life? She doesn’t want you, doesn’t care about you and wants you destitute. It’s why she is guilt tripping you into worrying about money and the kids. She should have worried about this before she left.

Hire a lawyer now. I Bet her lawyer is doing this to establish residency to fight for custody.


----------



## Affaircare

Hey @iaschneider5, 

Your first post on this thread was October 5th, and you said your wife moved out "recently" so I'm guessing mid-September. 

On page TWO, post #19, @jlg07 wrote:


> Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear -- I wasn't suggesting you GO for a divorce. I was suggesting you *see a few different lawyers to see WHAT would happen in a divorce, what you'd need to have together, how child custody/etc. would go in your state.*
> 
> Get the information. This way YOU can plan how things go for your life, and not just wait for her to "see a therapist" by herself, and then "maybe" together. I am suggesting that you start getting plans together on how to move forward if things don't work out -- this way, you are that much ahead of the game and won't have a lot of uncertainties, because if that does happen, the emotions will be running high and this way you have concrete plans.
> 
> I know you want this to continue, but at 29 with kids, she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions. Having had an affair, and now an EA (and STILL IN THAT!!!), there need to be consequences. She has no boundaries, and doesn't respect you if she is doing this. I just want YOU to be prepared for the eventuality that she is gone.


Two posts above that one, @jlg07 was suggesting that you: "...get a plan together to make sure YOU are protected and see what Divorce will mean to your situation."

So since October, we have been telling you to get an attorney. I know you didn't want to believe an attorney was necessary back in October, and I know for a fact you didn't want to divorce, but having the knowledge of what the laws are for your state, what your rights are as a father, what your right might be regarding alimony and child support are all important for you so you can look out for yourself and your own best interests, and the best interests of your children. 

In post #113 on page 8, you wrote:


> So looks like she filed for divorce on dec 19th. *Got served the papers this morning*. I may have texted her and called her a hypocrite and she said we can still do out of court If I agree to everything. The paper states she wants full custody and wants me to pay child support. I would be paying her $25 a month vs her $1,115 if it went to me. Life insurance and provide health insurance which makes no sense since we get it through her job.
> 
> Says split the stuff in the house, Furniture stuff like that. When she moved here all she brought was dressers I had all the other stuff we just got newer ones ones over the years so im curious how that works.


I am doing this by memory, but if you were served January 16th, you have 20 days in which to file a legal response to this filing OR you waive your right to receive any future notices regarding the final trial in the matter, including the time and place of the trial, the entry of judgment, and any notification of the court’s decision. This Thursday will be 14 days. Are you fully aware of what this means?

This means that on Febuary 6th or so, your STBXW can claim you have defaulted, and the Court could make orders affecting your family and finances without hearing from you. Judgment is limited by what is requested in the Petition. In layman's terms it means that the judge will sign whatever she proposed in her filing...which is full custody to her, you pay her child support, you provide life insurance and health insurance, and she gets half the furniture and such even though you provided all of it when she moved in. 

If you wait "until the end of the week" to hire an attorney, you are giving your attorney just 7 days to file a response for you in order to avoid default. By Thursday, February 6th, there MUST BE a legal response to your wife's filing, and if you wait until the end of the week to "get this moving" that means you and your attorney will have to have a couple meetings Monday-Wednesday just so they can TYPE the thing in time! 

So for once, I am strongly suggesting that you stop procrastinating and pick you attorney today or tomorrow. Even that is kind of late but you sincerely just can not put it off any longer or you run the risk of putting your own self into the position of not only not defending your best interests, or your children's best interests, but also losing the little bit you do have now. You LITERALLY can not afford to put this off "until later this week." You have had months--please choose one now.


----------



## iaschneider5

She moved out Sep 15th. Yes you are correct I didn't want a divorce and part of me still doesn't but it here and its gonna happen. Yes I have my up and down days of course, mainly when I don't have my kids and I miss them.

Yes everyone said go talk to a lawyer which I hesitated to do of course given that I was hopeful either we would do some therapy and try work it out or at the very least be able to work it out ourselves.. After thanksgiving I notched a difference in her and I should have picked up on it but choose to focus my mind elsewhere. 

The end of october I sat down with 2 lawyers and spoke to 1 on the phone. At that time I wasn't ready to hire one.
Now I am.

The one I am going to see Wed morning seems to be very highly regarded and Im curious whats she's gonna say.. I will either go with her or the women I met with last thursday. Wed will be the day I choose and It will also be the day I try to push the conflicting thoughts out of my head and just let the lawyers go for it all. 

When I made my appt for the one on Wed I explained the situation and the timeframe and they said it wouldn't be an issue. 

My wife again asked me about a tv.. I ignored her, She asked me about packing stuff up on Sunday.. I said Ill think about it... Truth Is I already started packing her things up I just didn't tell her that. She asked me about a hairdryer, I said I need it. Which I do for my daughter and I use it to seal my windows in plastic during the winter... Which reminds me I need to do that!

Yes Im still worried about my kids they are struggling a bit with 2 places and back and forth but I'm trying to be there for them as best I can and I cant worry about the **** she's doing thats gonna affect them just what I can do to be there for them In the end.

Would I still end all this divorce **** and consider getting back with her? Of course but after many many many months of therapy and seeing some real changes and effort from her... And myself. 

I do appreciate everything said on here and having a place to vent.. Sometimes Easier to vent to strangers especially when they arnt going to hold back and just tell it how it is.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> She moved out *Sep 15th*. Yes you are correct I didn't want a divorce and part of me still doesn't but it here and its gonna happen. Yes I have my up and down days of course, mainly when I don't have my kids and I miss them.
> 
> Yes everyone said go talk to a lawyer which I hesitated to do of course given that I was hopeful either we would do some therapy and try work it out or at the very least be able to work it out ourselves.. After thanksgiving I notched a difference in her and I should have picked up on it but choose to focus my mind elsewhere.
> 
> The end of october I sat down with 2 lawyers and spoke to 1 on the phone. At that time I wasn't ready to hire one.
> Now I am.
> 
> The one I am going to see Wed morning seems to be very highly regarded and Im curious whats she's gonna say.. I will either go with her or the women I met with last thursday. Wed will be the day I choose and It *will also be the day I try to push the conflicting thoughts *out of my head and just let the lawyers go for it all.
> 
> When I made my appt for the one on Wed I explained the situation and the timeframe and they said it wouldn't be an issue.
> 
> My wife again asked me about a tv.. I ignored her, She asked me about packing stuff up on Sunday.. I said Ill think about it... Truth Is I already started packing her things up I just didn't tell her that. She asked me about a hairdryer, I said I need it. Which I do for my daughter and I use it to seal my windows in plastic during the winter... Which reminds me I need to do that!
> 
> Yes Im still worried about my kids they are struggling a bit with 2 places and back and forth but I'm trying to be there for them as best I can and I cant worry about the **** she's doing thats gonna affect them just what I can do to be there for them In the end.
> 
> Would I still end all this divorce **** and consider getting back with her? Of course but after many many many months of therapy and seeing some real changes and effort from her... And myself.
> 
> I do appreciate everything said on here and having a place to vent.. Sometimes Easier to vent to strangers especially when they arnt going to hold back and just tell it how it is.


Please vent all your want... 

But honestly, I just want to hit you about the head and neck....

What conflicting thoughts COULD YOU POSSIBLY be having.... WHAT! She freaking left in SEPTEMBER... THAT WAS 5-6 months ago.

What are you thinking? And why are you thinking it? She is DONE she does not love you, you really don't know if she ever loved you.

What the hell is wrong with you...

Do you think that you are such a loser, or such a horrible person that no one will ever like you again??? 

I assure you that is not true, it is completely not true... You have let her beat you down until you are just mush...

Please, for the love of everything holy, get therapy. If you are in therapy, find a new therapist. 

You are suffering for NO REASON over a woman that IS NOT WORTH IT. 

Please wake up, and stop hurting yourself...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> Please vent all your want...
> 
> But honestly, I just want to hit you about the head and neck....
> 
> What conflicting thoughts COULD YOU POSSIBLY be having.... WHAT! She freaking left in SEPTEMBER... THAT WAS 5-6 months ago.
> 
> What are you thinking? And why are you thinking it? She is DONE she does not love you, you really don't know if she ever loved you.
> 
> What the hell is wrong with you...
> 
> Do you think that you are such a loser, or such a horrible person that no one will ever like you again???
> 
> I assure you that is not true, it is completely not true... You have let her beat you down until you are just mush...
> 
> Please, for the love of everything holy, get therapy. If you are in therapy, find a new therapist.
> 
> You are suffering for NO REASON over a woman that IS NOT WORTH IT.
> 
> Please wake up, and stop hurting yourself...


Stay away from my head and neck already got enough issues there! haha

I get what our saying. In terms of conflicting thoughts Its more about my kids and hurting them. Yes I miss her but life goes on and so will I. 

I'm by no means perfect but hey everyone gets emotional from time to time. Im ready for the fight and backlash. She wont be happy but neither will I but thats life.


----------



## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> Stay away from my head and neck already got enough issues there! haha
> 
> I get what our saying. In terms of conflicting thoughts Its more about my kids and hurting them. Yes I miss her but life goes on and so will I.
> 
> I'm by no means perfect but hey everyone gets emotional from time to time. Im ready for the fight and backlash. She wont be happy but neither will I but thats life.


She will never have a chance to miss you while your head is still up her ass.

Go black hole dark with her. All it took me to fully realize I did not ever want to go back to my M

was two weeks away from her. My story is still here....1st two threads.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> She will never have a chance to miss you while your head is still up her ass.
> 
> Go black hole dark with her. All it took me to fully realize I did not ever want to go back to my M
> 
> was two weeks away from her. My story is still here....1st two threads.


I will check your story out. For me I cant just go dark with her, 3 kids makes sure of that. When I reach out to her I only ask about the kids kid related things. Not sure how I can do that since there is constant communication over the kids.


----------



## manwithnoname

iaschneider5 said:


> I will check your story out. For me I cant just go dark with her, 3 kids makes sure of that. When I reach out to her I only ask about the kids kid related things. Not sure how I can do that since there is constant communication over the kids.


Ask the kids about the kid related things, or just wing it. 

If she had died who would you ask?


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## phillybeffandswiss

iaschneider5 said:


> I will check your story out. For me I cant just go dark with her, 3 kids makes sure of that. When I reach out to her I only ask about the kids kid related things. Not sure how I can do that since there is constant communication over the kids.


No, you want constant communication and your wife wants it for control. I had a young DAUGHTER and learned everything on the fly. I didn’t call my ex fiancé for anything except “I am on my way” to pick her up or drop her off. Yes, my first child so, I had zero experience. Yes, there will be variables, but you can go dark.

So, the “constant communication” is a choice.


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## iaschneider5

When I say constant communication what I mean is stuff about the kids in terms of pics or there is an issue... I'm pretty good at taking care of them day to day the only real thing is folding clothes because I used to just leave my clothes in the dryer prior to kids lol But im working on it. 

Lately the communication is her asking me how to they are she expects pictures daily and sends me some but there is nothing more then a thank you at the end.

I texted her this morning to let her know my son lied about doing his homework while with her and she should have checked since the planner needs to be signed.

I haven't texted her unless Ive needed too. My one son is at her moms house daily since he is in the wheelchair so I wanna see how he is but I ask her mom most of the time and I go and help load him in the car and out of the car after school. 

I really dont want the constant communication anymore unless its in front of a therapist. Last night I did ask her where to get the cotton candy grapes that the kids like because I can never find them at any store and later that night she asked me if I had any extra Routers for Verizon since thats what she's getting at her new place because they want $300 for one. My response "No I dont my wife made me throw it out" and that was it.

Only other thing for the day besides her saying OMW for dropping the kids off was I asked her to continue using her moms address for the kids school instead of switching it to her new address since I wont think she will last at that place and I dont wanna rock the boat with the school. 

The lawyer I saw today is my choice and things are moving now. Lots of good information


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## iaschneider5

As soon as I hit send she texted me and asked to bring the kids to a spaghetti dinner this friday after she get out from work..


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## hubbyintrubby

iaschneider5 said:


> As soon as I hit send she texted me and asked to bring the kids to a spaghetti dinner this friday after she get out from work..


Just say no.


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## Ursula

iaschneider5 said:


> As soon as I hit send she texted me and asked to bring the kids to a spaghetti dinner this friday after she get out from work..


To me, it sounds like you guys have too much extra communication, which really in the grand scheme of things, isn’t needed. She can go get her own router, you can google where to buy that candy for your kids; there are other ways around this if you really don’t want all that communication. But, it sounds like you are both OK with all of it since it has continued.


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## Marduk

For being an ex, you're remarkably still functional as a husband to her.


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## iaschneider5

hubbyintrubby said:


> Just say no.


I really don't see a reason to deny my kids a nice time out with their mom just to be mean to her. There might come a time where I want to do something and she wont watch them for me or let me take them out when she has them... I would still like to be civil at the end of all this.



Ursula said:


> To me, it sounds like you guys have too much extra communication, which really in the grand scheme of things, isn’t needed. She can go get her own router, you can google where to buy that candy for your kids; there are other ways around this if you really don’t want all that communication. But, it sounds like you are both OK with all of it since it has continued.


She can def get her own router and even If I had it I wouldn't give it to her... It was cotton candy grapes I asked about because she got them for the kids and after checking 3 places I couldn't find them. Google was no help since it cant tell me which store sells them. Its a hybrid grape which I guess has a different flavor then red or regular green grapes.. I dont think Its a big deal to ask to make my kids happy with the fruit they like. I asked she answered and that was it until she asked about the router and I gave my sarcastic answer. 



Marduk said:


> For being an ex, you're remarkably still functional as a husband to her.


In terms of things for my kids yes. Im not gonna be an a** to her when it comes to things about them but Ive gotten to the point where I dont really wanna talk to her about anything else unless its in therapy. She can ask all the questions she would like (about a TV, coming on Sunday to pack her things, asking if I have an extra router) doesn't mean I will answer her or be nice about it. 

I am a child of divorce and my parents were horrible to each other so I will not be like that but I'm not going to just allow whatever she wants either. Got my lawyer today and things are moving. Forgot some questions but I will send an email tonight.


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## Marc878

It’s not about being nice. It’s about getting yourself out of the mix and the headspace it takes up.

Civil but distant.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> It’s not about being nice. It’s about getting yourself out of the mix and the headspace it takes up.
> 
> Civil but distant.


Doesn't help I constantly have children asking me to send her pics or text her with questions, What am I gonna say to them no? But in terms of everything else im working on it best I can. Got the lawyer and have started my fight. It sucks how's it goes going but nothing I can do about it, I'm upset that I have to do it this way but no other options. 

She said it might beneficial to get us all in a room and try work this out and stay out of court but it all depends on how my wife is going to react and if she's finally going to be willing to budge. Imo since she's already secured an apartment (That she cant afford) I doubt she's gonna wanna do that. 

Right now letting the lawyer take over and do her job, Im trying to figure out my car situation..


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## father_of_2

Set up a shared Google photos album, upload the photos there, and she can see them at her leisure. Tell your kids the photos are in an album their mom can see. 

Ask her to upload pics of the kids to the same album. 

You don't need to waste your time sending them to her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

father_of_2 said:


> Set up a shared Google photos album, upload the photos there, and she can see them at her leisure. Tell your kids the photos are in an album their mom can see.
> 
> Ask her to upload pics of the kids to the same album.
> 
> You don't need to waste your time sending them to her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That could be a good idea. Im still gonna keep in contact about the kids and things but in terms of us and whatever she is asking for I wont be as open as I was. Once she finds out I have lawyer and what is gonna happen im sure she will turn nastier. In terms of kids i will keep that line of communication open as I can.. for example. My 7 year old keeps buying milk at school and we had no idea which has lead to a small fortune being owed to the school. Alot different then my days, when I didn't have any money they wouldn't let me eat let alone get chocoolate milk! 
Also for some reason after i gave him his clothe this morning he decided he didn't wanna change his underwear and hid them under the bathroom sink.. We did have a nice civil conversation about both things this morning and that was the end of it.. Apparently trying to not change them is his new thing and she discovered it the other day and forgot to mention it. 
Idk how im gonna ask him about it without laughing lol


----------



## father_of_2

There's also free apps for co-parenting. Our Family Wizard is one. This keeps a complete record of all communication between the two of you which can be easily shared with your lawyer.

Discuss it with your lawyer first, but inform your STBXW that from now on this is the only means of communication between you and you will only communicate with her about the kids.

And then change your cell phone number.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Ursula

iaschneider5 said:


> I really don't see a reason to deny my kids a nice time out with their mom just to be mean to her. There might come a time where I want to do something and she wont watch them for me or let me take them out when she has them... I would still like to be civil at the end of all this.
> 
> She can def get her own router and even If I had it I wouldn't give it to her... It was cotton candy grapes I asked about because she got them for the kids and after checking 3 places I couldn't find them. Google was no help since it cant tell me which store sells them. Its a hybrid grape which I guess has a different flavor then red or regular green grapes.. I dont think Its a big deal to ask to make my kids happy with the fruit they like. I asked she answered and that was it until she asked about the router and I gave my sarcastic answer.
> 
> In terms of things for my kids yes. Im not gonna be an a** to her when it comes to things about them but Ive gotten to the point where I dont really wanna talk to her about anything else unless its in therapy. She can ask all the questions she would like (about a TV, coming on Sunday to pack her things, asking if I have an extra router) doesn't mean I will answer her or be nice about it.
> 
> I am a child of divorce and my parents were horrible to each other so I will not be like that but I'm not going to just allow whatever she wants either. Got my lawyer today and things are moving. Forgot some questions but I will send an email tonight.


All of this tells me that you're OK with the amount of communication that you have with her. Kudos to you for not wanting to drag your kids through an angry divorce, but I still think you could limit the amount of communication. That's just me, and it would drive me nuts. But, it's your choice, and as long as you're happy, you have enough space from her, and this is working for you, then that's a good thing.


----------



## Affaircare

@iaschneider5, 

My 2nd H, I call him Dear Hubby, was married to his exW for like 20 years, and they had 3 kids together. She cheated on him and wouldn't quit. They filed for divorce and she moved out, assuming she'd be taking the kids, he'd be paying alimony and CS, and she'd replace him with her new lawyer boyfriend (she was a law student and so was he). So she's at HER new house, and she kept calling Dear Hubby for things... "for the kids." 

Could he mow her lawn "so the kids had a yard to play in"?

Could he drive the kids to practice on her days?

Could he pack their lunch, pick them up at her house, and drive them to school?

Could he fix her sink "so the kids had hot water"?

Could he wash the car "so the kids had a clean car to be in"?

On and on like that. Obviously she wanted him to do all the things a husband would do except sleep with her, and she wanted lawyerboy to do that! She wanted to fire him from the job of being her husband--and yet have him do all the things a husband would do and claim that it was "for the kids"!

Finally, one day, the kids were at her house and called us because the trash was going to be picked up that morning and the cans weren't at the end of the driveway. The kids called, and so he went over and discovered exW passed out drunk and the trash can FULL of liquor bottles. FULL! That's when he said* "Enough!"* and started to disentangle from his exW like a divorced person does. 

_Could he mow her lawn "so the kids had a yard to play in"? _ Yep he mowed the lawn over at his own house, and if the kids needed a lawn to play in, they were welcome to stay with him. 

_Could he drive the kids to practice on her days?_ He drove the kids to their practices on HIS days, and it was up to her to figure out some arrangement to get them to practice on HER days. 

_Could he pack their lunch, pick them up at her house, and drive them to school?_ He could do all that when they were at his house, so if they needed all that done, they were welcome to stay with him. 

_Could he fix her sink "so the kids had hot water"? _ Yep he had hot water over at his own house, and if the kids needed a hot water, they were welcome to stay with him. 

_Could he wash the car "so the kids had a clean car to be in"?_ Yep he washed his own car over at his own house, and if the kids needed a clean car to be driven around in, they were welcome to stay with him.

So I don't think we are suggesting that you become an ass toward her for the kids or for any reason. What we ARE suggesting is that continuing this much communication actually extends and maintains a connection. Divorce virtually means that the connection is now severed. Thus part of the path is disentangling yourself emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, and in all the myriad of ways that married people are entangled. You will be delaying that process by pursuing this continued connection via communication. 

My exH and I had children who were in 5th and 3rd grade. We lived 2 miles apart with the school between us. We exchanged the kids by them riding to school in the morning, and at night being picked up by the other parent...so the school was our go-between kind of. Each kid had a backpack, and in their backpack we had something like a Daytimer calendar for any/all of their appointments...and the Daytimer had a section for NOTES. If we had something we had to ask the other, we would write it in the Daytimer. That way, all was recorded in written format (if need be) for a court of law...for both of our protection. Each kid also was completely set up at BOTH parent's houses. So there was no "take these clothes to mom's and take these to dad's" etc. They had a set up at dad's house (room, clothes, toys, etc.) and another one at mom's. I set up their things at my house and did not expect my exH to buy them or build them...and vice versa. 

Make sense?


----------



## iaschneider5

father_of_2 said:


> There's also free apps for co-parenting. Our Family Wizard is one. This keeps a complete record of all communication between the two of you which can be easily shared with your lawyer.
> 
> Discuss it with your lawyer first, but inform your STBXW that from now on this is the only means of communication between you and you will only communicate with her about the kids.
> 
> And then change your cell phone number.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I will check out the apps and talk about it with my lawyer. I changed my number 2 years ago after having the same number for 12 years... Not doing that again. I can always just block her number if it came to it but 99% of our communication is over facebook messager and I've ben pretty good about taking screenshots of most things.. things that seems important anyway.


----------



## iaschneider5

Ursula said:


> All of this tells me that you're OK with the amount of communication that you have with her. Kudos to you for not wanting to drag your kids through an angry divorce, but I still think you could limit the amount of communication. That's just me, and it would drive me nuts. But, it's your choice, and as long as you're happy, you have enough space from her, and this is working for you, then that's a good thing.


I'm trying to keep my distance and not get sucked into anything thats not kids related. With 3 kids there is always something to talk about though but I'm doing my best. 
This morning as a conversation about a book my 7 year old was looking for, Missing water bottles and I asked her for her share of the Cell phone/ car insurance. Oh and $10 for pandora premium since for some reason its on my card and she hasn't cancelled it yet. 

I did remove her from 2 of my cards but when I got served I decide to wait on the last one and have to ask my lawyer if Its an issue since the paper says dont do anything without consent.. I might just ask my wife if I can remove her I guess as long as I have permission what does it matter. I'm sure it will drop her credit score more.


----------



## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> @iaschneider5,
> 
> My 2nd H, I call him Dear Hubby, was married to his exW for like 20 years, and they had 3 kids together. She cheated on him and wouldn't quit. They filed for divorce and she moved out, assuming she'd be taking the kids, he'd be paying alimony and CS, and she'd replace him with her new lawyer boyfriend (she was a law student and so was he). So she's at HER new house, and she kept calling Dear Hubby for things... "for the kids."
> 
> Could he mow her lawn "so the kids had a yard to play in"?
> 
> Could he drive the kids to practice on her days?
> 
> Could he pack their lunch, pick them up at her house, and drive them to school?
> 
> Could he fix her sink "so the kids had hot water"?
> 
> Could he wash the car "so the kids had a clean car to be in"?
> 
> On and on like that. Obviously she wanted him to do all the things a husband would do except sleep with her, and she wanted lawyerboy to do that! She wanted to fire him from the job of being her husband--and yet have him do all the things a husband would do and claim that it was "for the kids"!
> 
> Finally, one day, the kids were at her house and called us because the trash was going to be picked up that morning and the cans weren't at the end of the driveway. The kids called, and so he went over and discovered exW passed out drunk and the trash can FULL of liquor bottles. FULL! That's when he said* "Enough!"* and started to disentangle from his exW like a divorced person does.
> 
> _Could he mow her lawn "so the kids had a yard to play in"? _ Yep he mowed the lawn over at his own house, and if the kids needed a lawn to play in, they were welcome to stay with him.
> 
> _Could he drive the kids to practice on her days?_ He drove the kids to their practices on HIS days, and it was up to her to figure out some arrangement to get them to practice on HER days.
> 
> _Could he pack their lunch, pick them up at her house, and drive them to school?_ He could do all that when they were at his house, so if they needed all that done, they were welcome to stay with him.
> 
> _Could he fix her sink "so the kids had hot water"? _ Yep he had hot water over at his own house, and if the kids needed a hot water, they were welcome to stay with him.
> 
> _Could he wash the car "so the kids had a clean car to be in"?_ Yep he washed his own car over at his own house, and if the kids needed a clean car to be driven around in, they were welcome to stay with him.
> 
> So I don't think we are suggesting that you become an ass toward her for the kids or for any reason. What we ARE suggesting is that continuing this much communication actually extends and maintains a connection. Divorce virtually means that the connection is now severed. Thus part of the path is disentangling yourself emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, and in all the myriad of ways that married people are entangled. You will be delaying that process by pursuing this continued connection via communication.
> 
> My exH and I had children who were in 5th and 3rd grade. We lived 2 miles apart with the school between us. We exchanged the kids by them riding to school in the morning, and at night being picked up by the other parent...so the school was our go-between kind of. Each kid had a backpack, and in their backpack we had something like a Daytimer calendar for any/all of their appointments...and the Daytimer had a section for NOTES. If we had something we had to ask the other, we would write it in the Daytimer. That way, all was recorded in written format (if need be) for a court of law...for both of our protection. Each kid also was completely set up at BOTH parent's houses. So there was no "take these clothes to mom's and take these to dad's" etc. They had a set up at dad's house (room, clothes, toys, etc.) and another one at mom's. I set up their things at my house and did not expect my exH to buy them or build them...and vice versa.
> 
> Make sense?


I can see why he did it and I'm sure alot of men do.. I'm doing my best not to get into a pattern like that. I have been trying to keep the conversations strictly about the kids and only questions I really need to ask.. Ive ignored most other conversations. I did ask her fr some money for bills. 

Physically I'm def detangled which sucks in its own way, financially I am as well besides if she gives her share of the bills I asked for but its currently crippling me, Emotionally and mentally are a little harder but Im working on it best I can. I have my days I dont think about her then sometimes I cant stop, Maybe its because I have so many other things going on that are affecting me in the same ways but I'm doing the best I can right now. I hired the lawyer to handle the fun part of this process and im gonna fight for everything wont be giving in. 

I will look into the planner idea as well. The toys/clothes are becoming a slight issue as she likes to throw it in my face that she has to buy a bunch of stuff and throw the money fight in my face in general. Her parents house had alot of that stuff already and they have alot of clothes so I dont see an issue splitting them or even getting a bit more but they will be growing out of them soon anyway and more will be needed. This issue has what led to her asking me for one of the TVs. She has one that was given to her and she wants another one... I say she wants it she can buy it.. she wont have that apartment long anyway!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You are contacting her about ridiculous things, that needs to stop NOW. No pics back and forth, no questions about a book, etc. This is insanity. When people say communicate about your kids only, THIS is NOT what they mean! What it DOES mean:
- Emergencies, sickness, injury.
- Pickup/drop off time changes
- After school activity schedules/changes
- Scheduled custody time changes (ie, grandma wants them for the weekend, is that cool?) 
- Surprise payment needs (ie, for sport events, uniforms, field trips, etc etc) 

All that other crap needs to STOP. Both of you are grown adult parents, act like it.


----------



## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> You are contacting her about ridiculous things, that needs to stop NOW. No pics back and forth, no questions about a book, etc. This is insanity. When people say communicate about your kids only, THIS is NOT what they mean! What it DOES mean:
> - Emergencies, sickness, injury.
> - Pickup/drop off time changes
> - After school activity schedules/changes
> - Scheduled custody time changes (ie, grandma wants them for the weekend, is that cool?)
> - Surprise payment needs (ie, for sport events, uniforms, field trips, etc etc)
> 
> All that other crap needs to STOP. Both of you are grown adult parents, act like it.


The book in question was a library book that was supposed to be returned today to his school and ended up being at her house. So I asked her if anyway one still home to get it.... That is being a parent and an adult making sure what my child has what he's supposed to for school. 

I dont see the pics as a big deal, If she asks I send them with nothing else being said and she sends them as well. I am looking into another suggestion that was given to me doing them over a google photo account or using a texting app for parenting. I will remain as civil and open as I can for the time being.. Once my wife gets wind that I have a lawyer and things may not go the way she has planned I'm sure most of the civil s*** will go out the window anyway. I think best for me to keep being as nice and civil as I can just case any of it comes up in court I can show she has been the one that been nasty not me. No?

I'm still gonna be fighting in the background and not giving in just because she says so I'm past the point of feeling bad. After reading through some old screenshots of our conversations and what some have said on here I cant really find a reason to feel bad, she Is the one making the choices she's making and she will be the one to suffer if they dont work out not me. At the end of the day the kids will still have 2 parents that love them and will support them anyway they can and thats all that matters. She can be pissed at me all she wants I dont care.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> The book in question was a library book that was supposed to be returned today to his school and ended up being at her house. So I asked her if anyway one still home to get it.... That is being a parent and an adult making sure what my child has what he's supposed to for school.
> 
> I dont see the pics as a big deal, If she asks I send them with nothing else being said and she sends them as well. I am looking into another suggestion that was given to me doing them over a google photo account or using a texting app for parenting. I will remain as civil and open as I can for the time being.. Once my wife gets wind that I have a lawyer and things may not go the way she has planned I'm sure most of the civil s*** will go out the window anyway. I think best for me to keep being as nice and civil as I can just case any of it comes up in court I can show she has been the one that been nasty not me. No?
> 
> I'm still gonna be fighting in the background and not giving in just because she says so I'm past the point of feeling bad. After reading through some old screenshots of our conversations and what some have said on here I cant really find a reason to feel bad, she Is the one making the choices she's making and she will be the one to suffer if they dont work out not me. At the end of the day the kids will still have 2 parents that love them and will support them anyway they can and thats all that matters. She can be pissed at me all she wants I dont care.


Listen please... you have had a hard time. You have asked for advice and you need help getting to a different place. You are getting there in a way, but not very fast. 

You are in fact, taking way longer to get there than you should be. OK, believe it or not, but this is what is happening. 

Now, in the exchange above, 3x is telling you what you are doing wrong and why and you argue with her. And in fact you are so stubborn that you can't see straight, Dude, that is a trait that you have to stop, just learn to stop it. 

Look, lets take the LB book. Who give a **** if it is late, who cares. What it is maybe a 1$ late fee. 

"Oh, but my kid, or ex wife that was a POS, is freaking out. I could not let them be upset"... Yeah helicopter boy you could let them be upset. 

It DOES NOT MATTER. LET HER STEW ABOUT IT. DO NOT FREAKING COMMUNICATE WITH THE WITCH ABOUT IT!!!!!

Get a freaking grip. What do you think you being this great "Nice Guy" is going to win her back, make her love you, put your family back together? 

Really, how is that working out for you???? 

DO YOU SEE how you are continuing to be a chump????

Please say that you see it now and you are going to ****ing stop it!!!!


----------



## iaschneider5

It wasn't about him not being upset he just asked me to ask her so I said sure.. I dont see it as a big deal only thought in my head at the time was just seeing if I could get it. She said no one was home and I didn't even respond. Told him he said oh ok and we moved on..

Anyway anyone have experience with how tax returns and claiming kids works with joint custody?


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## willistrong

I agree with you


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## iaschneider5

Well Packed her things made quite the mess in the process but its done... she wanted to come tomorrow and do it and now she's pissed ... I'm ridiculous, degrading, disrespectful, she never did anything to make me act like this... 

I had spoken to my son about coming over tomorrow just him for a bit so i could spend some time with him here just me and him.. Apparently he's only allowed over when she's here and not alone. The one with the broken leg, she is refusing to let him come here by himself until his leg is healed which to me is ridiculous. I can go there and spend time with him there which I do but when I asked for him to come over after school for a bit and she's telling me he's not allowed here alone until he's healed. After school I carry him into the car and then carry him to his wheelchair at his grandmothers house. 
At my house i would just put him on the couch which reclines I dont see what the issue is!


----------



## iaschneider5

and I dont give a s*** about her feelings..


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Yeah she doesn’t get to decide what’s allowed or not...if you don’t have some kind of legal custody arrangements, get that done NOW. This is bullcrap. You’re not some bad neighbor down the street, you are their father, for chrissake. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Yeah she doesn’t get to decide what’s allowed or not...if you don’t have some kind of legal custody arrangements, get that done NOW. This is bullcrap. You’re not some bad neighbor down the street, you are their father, for chrissake.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Lawyer has been hired I am going to mention this to her next week.


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## iaschneider5

I will also say that my had to be lifted by 2 people up until about a week ago. Given that fact I could understand what she was saying because if he was here and needed to use the bathroom I wouldnt have been able to do it or get him in the car by myself but since his leg is out of the brace and doesn't hurt as much I am able to lift him up by myself from the car the wheelchair so I see no reason that he cant come here. 

I think she's doing this on purpose to sue against me at a later date. One of the many things I need to tell my lawyer about.


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## Marc878

They are your kids too. Why let her control this?


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> They are your kids too. Why let her control this?


Not sure what I can do at the moment to make her bring him here since she is refusing. And he was gonna come today but now she says it was while she packed and that was it. I think she's just doing it to try hurt me. I am allowed to go there and I have but i was looking for a little one on one time just me and him at my house and I didn't think it was that much to ask for. He will be walking in a few weeks but I will talking to my lawyer this week to see whats next and its on the list of things I wanna talk to her about. 

I did spend some time with him at her house while she went shopping with the other 2 and it was nice until her mom came home. That house is small too so once everyone was back it just gets crowded and his wheelchair doesnt help that but I had a good few hours with him.

Not sure whats happening today since I pissed her off and she said she was gonna come get some of her stuff but she wants to look around and I'm not gonna let her and she hasn't messaged me today yet. Guess thats over with.


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## iaschneider5

Guess she wasn't mad for long because now she's asking me to Please bring some boxes to her house because its easier.... Figures 

Until the repo truck comes my suv is bigger has more trunk space.


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## Marc878

Honey, I’m gonna divorce and dump you but in the meantime I have this list of chores I need you to do for me.

Yeah, I’d ignore that.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Honey, I’m gonna divorce and dump you but in the meantime I have this list of chores I need you to do for me.
> 
> Yeah, I’d ignore that.


She can get it on Saturday with the rest of her stuff!


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Honey, I’m gonna divorce and dump you but in the meantime I have this list of chores I need you to do for me.
> 
> Yeah, I’d ignore that.


Actually I packed it myself which was a move towards moving on I think? It was hard I won't deny it.. but maybe actually bringing it to her myself is another step towards moving on. It would be me moving her out not the other way around idk just a thought.


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## Marc878

I’d let her pick it up. You will find that any contact will keep you in the mix when you should be getting out of it.

Boxing it up I get it. I wouldn’t go any further.

The important thing about contact is it messes with your headspace and resets the clock.

Look up/google greyrocking and parallel parenting.

I know 4 of which 3 have younger kids and they say it’s the best thing they’ve done.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> I’d let her pick it up. You will find that any contact will keep you in the mix when you should be getting out of it.
> 
> Boxing it up I get it. I wouldn’t go any further.
> 
> The important thing about contact is it messes with your headspace and resets the clock.
> 
> Look up/google greyrocking and parallel parenting.
> 
> I know 4 of which 3 have younger kids and they say it’s the best thing they’ve done.


The min she told me my son is not allowed to come here alone because she said so is the moment that my headspace became a little more clear. Yes I still have feelings for her and yes im still sad but idk who the f*** she thinks she is saying s*** like that or what gives her the right to make that decision. 

I'm beyond pissed at that


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> The min she told me my son is not allowed to come here alone because she said so is the moment that my headspace became a little more clear. Yes I still have feelings for her and yes im still sad but idk who the f*** she thinks she is saying s*** like that or what gives her the right to make that decision.
> 
> I'm beyond pissed at that


While this is good, there are about 1000 other things that you should feel this way about. She is really a horrible person, I don't know why you stayed with her. You need to get your mad on and move on...

Please learn from this and pick different next time, please...


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## 3Xnocharm

iaschneider5 said:


> The min she told me my son is not allowed to come here alone because she said so is the moment that my headspace became a little more clear. Yes I still have feelings for her and yes im still sad but idk who the f*** she thinks she is saying s*** like that or what gives her the right to make that decision.
> 
> I'm beyond pissed at that


Make sure you are documenting all this bullcrap. She is violating your rights as their parent, and for no reason other than she wants control. (no abuse, etc....) I am sure a judge would not look kindly upon this behavior.


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## Marduk

iaschneider5 said:


> The min she told me my son is not allowed to come here alone because she said so is the moment that my headspace became a little more clear. Yes I still have feelings for her and yes im still sad but idk who the f*** she thinks she is saying s*** like that or what gives her the right to make that decision.
> 
> I'm beyond pissed at that


Take a screenshot of the texts. Hell, take screenshots of all her texts and keep a diary of everything she says.

I have a funny feeling it will become useful to you.


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## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> While this is good, there are about 1000 other things that you should feel this way about. She is really a horrible person, I don't know why you stayed with her. You need to get your mad on and move on...
> 
> Please learn from this and pick different next time, please...


I am trying. Thats the thing though i don't see her as a horrible person. I see her as someone who doesn't understand whats its like to be with someone long term and that certain things that she's sees has fine arnt. Take away the cheating early on and everything related to that she really wasn't a bad person and she worked hard for all of us to have a decent life. I provided the place with cheap rent and she provided the income to have nice things, cars, vacations etc. 
Now for me things changed after her RA diagnoses and her whole attitude changed slowly. It took a long time to find the right meds and she suffered a lot. I wasn't perfect through that time either as much as I tired to be, we both suffered because of it. I don't blame the hidden relationship with the union guy or "friendship" as she calls it on her RA thats 100% her and a few other things but alot of changes were because of it... Its funny how she says I changed after we got married but she kept her mouth shut on things that were bothering her and I see the RA as when the changes started... The ra came 3 months after we got married. 

In the end most of her decisions caused alot of the issues. I wasn't perfect either but at least I actually put an effort in. 



3Xnocharm said:


> Make sure you are documenting all this bullcrap. She is violating your rights as their parent, and for no reason other than she wants control. (no abuse, etc....) I am sure a judge would not look kindly upon this behavior.


I take daily screenshots of everything that seems important and gonna mention most of it to my lawyer. I actually said it to her today when I asked about bringing him here. Rather asking her why its 100% her decision and she just kept trying to ignore it and turn it back on me. Yes I agreed in the beginning that it would be easier for him given that he needed 2 people to help with everything but now that has changed. He wants to come here and I want him to so I wont be backing down on that. 

I feel she is just gonna try use this against me later on.



Marduk said:


> Take a screenshot of the texts. Hell, take screenshots of all her texts and keep a diary of everything she says.
> 
> I have a funny feeling it will become useful to you.


Any negative exchange I screenshot and im gonna get them on my computer into a nice folder so I have them all. 
Some positive ones aswell so when It can show how she flips back and forth while the whole time I maintain being nice with her. 

In the end she started this fight that didn't need to be but she sure as hell isn't prepared for how its gonna go.


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## 3Xnocharm

Don’t just take screen shots of texts. Keep notes of everything she does. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Well she got her stuff today and was very nice to me.. We joked around we laughed and she left. Of course there is more stuff buried in storage but that will be a springtime thing.

It was harder packing it then it was watching it leave. She kept her word and brought my 8 year over, so he's chillin on the reclining couch. We are all excited he's over and if I really think about it the only reason she brought him over today is so she can have some time to herself at her new place. 

The kids are very excited about the new place and oldest said that a friend from school lives there so he cant wait to play with him.... Yes it makes me feel bad since I know she's gonna have to leave at some point and yes it sucks but they kids will get over it and in the end its not their fault or mine. Oh well.

I have figured out what to do about getting another car. I have hoarded every dollar I can and continue to do so instead of putting it all on credit cards so the balance stays low. Gonna buy whatever I can for cash, hopefully before my next payment on this car. 

My lawyer has sent out the response to the complaint. She took a small retainer from me and said if my wife sticks to her guns she will need more but for now she's gonna see what she can do.

On a side note the mediator I had reached out too before called me again to see how things were working out (she was very nice and gave me alot of info) I explained my wife wont do it because I wont agree to no child support. During the conversation she asked me who the lawyers were. My wifes lawyer who has been a lawyer for 27 years in this area she didn't know but mine she quickly said "oh she's very good". I found that interesting and hopefully thats a good sign. 

My wife refuses to talk to me about the tax return and a joint loan we have that has about 2k left on it until she talks to her lawyer. Gonna be an interesting couple weeks.


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## Chuck71

Remember........a D is a war. A true war has zero prisoners.

When it's over, it is over. Do not accept remaining friends with her. She wants this so you will lie down

and run you over in the D. A D is a one-shot deal. Go for the throat.


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## iaschneider5

Nothing new really has of yet besides asking me for stuff still. Vaccum, mixing bowls etc etc complaining that I get to keep the nice pots and pans and all this expensive stuff and she doesn't get any of it.... I haven't given her anything. 

Her stuff is out of the house for the most part and she's moved into her new place which I have one to find out is a 1 bedroom with an extra loft area that she turned into a play area for the kids at a price tag of $1500 a month. 

Today she stated she had some financial documents at her lawyer office and needs me to provide her with the taxes from last year. I will be calling my layer first before I do that. 

On the plus side I did pick up a used Toyota 4runner so I can get rid of my car payment. Needs a little work but its clean and from the original owner plus low miles for the year. Now just gotta figure out how to get rid of the other one! 

My response has been signed and sent to her lawyer so not sure how long it takes once they get it.


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## iaschneider5

Oh and Ill add while she's asking me for all this stuff stilll saying she can't afford to buy new stuff she has a new MK bag, got a $50 piece of wall art off amazon (we share the account) and keeps buying the kids new toys and stuff. They like to tell me about the stuff of course lol

When she saw my other car in the driveway she asked me when I'm getting rid of my Pilot so it can be off her credit report so I asked her to refinance hers so it can be off mine and she said she cant right now because she has a bunch of medical debt from the kids on there and it dropped her credit, so until she clears that up she cant... Since I set up the account on experian for her I checked and she has 2 past due medical bills to the tune of $190 one of which she already paid off. Her credit cards are nearly maxed out which is why the credit took a hit aswell. Went from 715 in august when we were together and barely any debt to 624.


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## iaschneider5

I'm a bit of a nerd for Jurassic park, Back to the future, Ghostbusters etc etc.... Anyway

She's nice when about kids (most of the time) can be nasty about most other things, sorta nice in person but its always quick interactions just hand offs of children really. 

Still asks about things she wants and I ignore her.

Yesterday she texted me out of nowhere she was at walmart with the kids. Sent me a picture of the Ghostbusters car. Its a kit to build it. Was $45 on clearance for half that. She asked if I wanted it ( of course i did lol) So she got it for me and I transferred the money to her.

Of course I said yes for it but just confuses me why she would be nice and do that idk... Just venting something that has been floating around my head.


----------



## Chuck71

Re-writing history, trying to absolve herself of the guilt she feels.

Could be lining you up as Plan B if Plan A falls through. Everything just might be "getting real" for

her and she is scared to death.

As you said she is spending $ like it's going out of style. Was she always that way or was she somewhat

thrifty?


----------



## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Re-writing history, trying to absolve herself of the guilt she feels.
> 
> Could be lining you up as Plan B if Plan A falls through. Everything just might be "getting real" for
> 
> her and she is scared to death.
> 
> As you said she is spending $ like it's going out of style. Was she always that way or was she somewhat
> 
> thrifty?


Funny today my social worker said the same thing (feeling guilty about something)
Yeah it def seems like thats what she's doing of course only the things I hear about and again a new purse which was at least $200-$300 unless it was a gift but idk. 

She's like her mom always a bit of a spender but I made sure it didn't get out of control and bills were always paid and money was put into savings first. It never got crazy but we both def enjoyed the fruits of her labor. I am more on the thrifty end of things... When I buy things I like to get good stuff but I look for deals (open box, clearance etc etc)

I'm nobody plan B. As I said before i would love for our family to work its self back together but a lot needs to be said from both ends and it would take me time. I wouldn't just jump back into it thats for sure.


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## iaschneider5

So if anyone has read this you know that about 6 months prior to my wife leaving I found out she was having what I would call an emotional affair with someone in the union for her job. He's almost 70 and my wife just turned 30 so I didn't think anything was going on sexual but like an idiot I tried to understand but I still let her know how I felt about to which she said its just s friendship and it doesn't matter that she didn't tell me etc etc..

Anyway today I picked my son up from school (broken leg so in a wheelchair currently) and his mom picked up our daughter. I met hers she could take him to a dentist appt and we were chatting while we waited for her..

He was telling me about how they went to the diner and an ice cream place with mommies friend from work (he didn't remember the name) he said it was the second time they went out with him. I called out some names because I was curious who it was and of course it was the guy that she had the EA with. 

I texted her after just to see what she would say and of course got defensive and just said a friend helping her with something. Turns out he drove an hour from his home to meet her other drs office so he could sit with the kids and watch them while she went in then they ate and had the ice cream and according to her the last time he just wanted to join them for ice cream. 

I got kinda heated about this really for many reasons and still am.... Curious what other peoples take on it is


----------



## iaschneider5

Maybe im wrong to feel mad about this


----------



## Lostinthought61

No your are not wrong in your feeling, she is clearly gaslighting you


----------



## Lila

@iaschneider5 you and your wife have been separated for 6 months and have filed for divorce. I know it is difficult to do (trust me, I do) but you need to stop focusing on her and what she's doing/who she is seeing. It will make you crazy if you don't. Instead focus on what you plan on doing with your kids when they are with you. Think about the sorts of activities you want to do to make their time with you special. Teach them what it means to be a strong father. Try (that is a a big ask but try) not to think about your StBXW.


----------



## iaschneider5

Lila said:


> @iaschneider5 you and your wife have been separated for 6 months and have filed for divorce. I know it is difficult to do (trust me, I do) but you need to stop focusing on her and what she's doing/who she is seeing. It will make you crazy if you don't. Instead focus on what you plan on doing with your kids when they are with you. Think about the sorts of activities you want to do to make their time with you special. Teach them what it means to be a strong father. Try (that is a a big ask but try) not to think about your StBXW.



I know and I really haven't given much thought to who's she's seeing or what she's doing with them.. I do see some of the stuff she says online when tagged with mutual friends ( Stuff about divorce and being treated bad etc etc) What got to me yesterday was the fact that she had this hidden relationship with this (married) guy and now he's having dinner with her and my kids... what really got to me was the fact that they were left alone with the strange man... Well strange to them for any length of time. Maybe it shouldn't but I couldn't help it wondering why my kids are being watched by someone they have never met before. 

Top of the night with my daughter crying at bedtime asking why mommy hasn't come home yet and then asking why cant we be a family again like it was before my son broke his leg. Needless to say I was just having a rough night.


----------



## SunCMars

Worry about the pretty child-feathers, in hand, and not the scented mature-one that the ill-wind took away.

Your wife is lost, to you, to herself. 

Any future man who claims her will need a strong back to lug forward, all her baggage.
Her young age is her only saving grace.

With luck and pluck, she can reform her ways and come out stronger.
Alas, with this Lass, luck has never found her, at this, her presently fragile latitude.


----------



## Taxman

Forget her and move on. From experience in matters such as this, she is with a much older man. Now, I had a couple much like you a few years back. She apparently had a daddy fetish, and OM filled the bill. So, consequently, she leaves to shack up with "grandpa". My client is devastated. She left him with the house, the investments and his retirement. There were no children, and she figured that the grass was greener. So we are about six months out. My client found solace with one of his wife's ex girlfriends. This in itself caused the WW to get angry and vindictive. Not so vindictive that she would stop the divorce. One morning, I walk into the office and we are called into the boardroom. No expected appointments for the day, wth is going on? The other side is there. They want to stop the divorce. She demands that her ex reconcile. Something changed. Found out that on Friday night, OM had a massive brain bleed. He is more or less a piece of broccoli. His children hold PA over him. He will be transferred to chronic care after he is completely stable. WW was respectfully requested to leave OM's home by his children. They will likely sell it to pay for his care going forward. She was looking for any port in the storm. Too bad she had already signed off. We, of course, were compelled to bring this information to our client, and receive instructions as to how to proceed. He is a good man. Better than me, however, he passed a note for us to present to his soon to be ex wife. "You hurt me. You betrayed me. You gambled on finding something better over the next fence. You gambled and you lost. I am not disposed toward being your white knight. I am sorry, but I am no longer part of your life, and you will just have to figure this out by yourself." She is now totally defeated. She gambled, lost, and tried to move the goal posts.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Maybe im wrong to feel mad about this


My brother, everyone told you that this is what was going on. 

I guess you had to work it out yourself. 

But no, you need to understand that all the negative crap that WE all said was going on, WAS GOING ON... And you don't need to feel bad. 

But maybe understanding all of this will allow you to see that she is a POS, and she has been for a long time, you just did not realize it. 

So when everyone tells you to use this to grow and learn, then try to do that.

You still don't realize how much better off your are going to be in the long run, but you will. 

THEN you can kick yourself for being so blind, we all did, and you will too...


----------



## iaschneider5

I know I was stupid for letting it go when I found out even if just friendship. One of the issues she has is she doesn't know boundaries and doesn't feel what she was doing is wrong because he's just a friend. She has some boundary issues I think or at the very least doesn't think what she was doing was an issue when being with someone long term.. just like the guy in the beginning she was confiding in him and things went too far. 

Yes yesterday I was pissed off that it was him given what had happened but right now its really about how my kids were left alone with this man they dont know for any length of time. I dont think they should be left alone with someone they dont know like that. Especially since im about 5 to 10 min away from any dr office she would be at so they can be dropped off or **** id even just sit with them in the car vs some strange man watching them. 

Her BS reason he found out she was going to the dr and bringing them so he offered last min to come help her... and then just happened to come get food with them. He lives an hour away there was no last min there. 

When we were together and before that even since I knew her before hand everything was bout her kids her time her money everything she did was about them and all she ever talked about was them... Now it seems she's gearing more towards helping herself and claiming its about the kids. 

Example: Getting a new apartment which is a 1 bedroom(with 3 kids), Racking up her credit card claiming its stuff for the kids mind you she has a new $200+ purse and has ordered all kinds of stuff non kid related (we still share an amazon account). Getting tired of seeing that stuff and then her continue to ask me for petty things and get annoyed that I won't let her have them (because its for the kids after all and she cant afford to buy all this stuff). Only thing I agreed to give was some of the 100s of books that we have but I haven't gotten around to it because I have other things to worry about at the moment. Ill get to it when I get to it..

Haven't heard back from the lawyer yet about any progress but i found out yesterday since she for some reason wanted to inform me that my wifes gmail account somehow got messed up and wouldn't receive any emails, she then informed me that her lawyers office said they sent multiple emails and they got kicked back so im sure it was about my response. Hopefully now things start moving. 

One min she's nice and wants to chat and share things along with asking me if I want certain things from the store and they next I need to watch what im asking her about and im a sociopath for wanting to take her to court over child support and how can I do that to the kids and why would I wanna waste all that money doing so... plus countless other things. Idk what's going on with her lately but I'm fairly certain she has some issues she needs to talk to someone about.... Yes I have some issues, I'm going into more and more debt every day, I miss my kids when they arnt here and on occasion for brief moments at a time I still miss her. Also more recently Im rediscovering why I hated working on cars for a living... Because they suck! trying to get my new used car ready and all cleaned up and while its in good shape and low miles for the year all the parts are original and rusty so having fun trying to replace them. Cant afford to hire anyone to do it so have to do it myself, id be spending 3-4 times as much! 

As I said for brief moments i do miss her and im sure that will continue but when I'm thinking clearly I do see that I may better off in the end just need to get through this as best I can. Easier said than done but Im working on it.


----------



## iaschneider5

I will tell you one thing that really pisses me off and makes me get angry at her...Im on workers comp have been since before we were together.

When things were getting serious I watched the kids so she could go work for the post office and build her career then we had a id together. I was just trying to get through the comp system and be done and i continued to watch the kids while she worked. Once I was done we were gonna take the settlement and invest in property or something to that effect. 

My wife goes to work at 645 and the kids have school at 8 and my daughter is only half day so I bring her then pick everyone up after. I was hoping to change things around once I settled and wasn't under the watchful eye workers comp. I am looking for work but have such severe restrictions and been out so long no one will touch me and with the kids it would be hard anyway. This was what we did i took care of them while I got through this system and she worked. 

Now that she is left she is blasting me and calling me lazy and just saying I dont wanna work and I need get my lazy as up and work because she's not paying me a dime and then lots of other kind words and names. FYI I have applied to over 200 jobs within my restrictions and some a little over at the directions of workers comp and even NYS Access VR who are the people that help people like me find work said they wont help me because i am a liability to myself and employers. I have worked since I was 14 up until I got hurt and If I never got hurt Id be making more then her. I hate being home and not working besides watching the kids grow up and being there for them. 

All these things she has said towards me like that have defiantly helped make me see a little more clearly that I may be better off in the long run.


----------



## Taxman

Please stop taking this from her. If you must, engage a lawyer to take the heat from her. She must know that your long term disability will figure in to the financial calculations once things really get underway. That is why she is telling you to get your ass working. DO NOT COMPLY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY ARE. 

Your injury would be front and center to any financial filing I would make. I, or rather my firm would have you re-evaluated medically. From what you have written your disability is permanent, and restrictive. She knows this. She knows that in court she is not going to look good. Bottom line is that she would rather have pin money than see you living the life that you were and are entitled to. My firm, and likely your representatives will be making this a centerpiece to their filings. All she is doing is the CYA dance. Let the divorce proceed, and let her discomfort with reality drive her bats. So she will not be able to lavish money and time on an AP, as she will be too busy supporting her disabled husband who she betrayed. Exactly what I would be saying to a referee in any discovery. I did have one woman load a paper clip onto a rubber band, and after my comments were made to the referee, she managed to catch me just below the eye. While she was smirking at me, I pressed the intercom button and had security up to my boardroom. I had her charged with assault. Looked damn good in front of a judge the next morning. Cost her five grand in fines.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> I know I was stupid for letting it go when I found out even if just friendship. One of the issues she has is she doesn't know boundaries and doesn't feel what she was doing is wrong because he's just a friend. She has some boundary issues I think or at the very least doesn't think what she was doing was an issue when being with someone long term.. just like the guy in the beginning she was confiding in him and things went too far.


Listen, I am happy to not post on your thread if I piss you off, so just say the word. 

But after that long page look at the bull **** that you are still laying out here. Just in the first part. 

Dude, get a ****ing grip for the love of god...

No, she is not a snowflake or some little princess that you have to protect. She is a viper, and she is a cheater, she is a user, and she is a POS... 

My guess is she has been this way from the start. My other guess is she has been cheating for some time and you were blind. 

Brother, you need to wake up and get your head straight, for goodness sake... 

She is not now, and probably never was a good person, I suspect she had been using you your entire marriage.

Stop making excuses for her like the quote above. You have been doing this the entire thread. 

Please wake up and stop thinking like this, it is not healthy...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> Listen, I am happy to not post on your thread if I piss you off, so just say the word.
> 
> But after that long page look at the bull **** that you are still laying out here. Just in the first part.
> 
> Dude, get a ****ing grip for the love of god...
> 
> No, she is not a snowflake or some little princess that you have to protect. She is a viper, and she is a cheater, she is a user, and she is a POS...
> 
> My guess is she has been this way from the start. My other guess is she has been cheating for some time and you were blind.
> 
> Brother, you need to wake up and get your head straight, for goodness sake...
> 
> She is not now, and probably never was a good person, I suspect she had been using you your entire marriage.
> 
> Stop making excuses for her like the quote above. You have been doing this the entire thread.
> 
> Please wake up and stop thinking like this, it is not healthy...


Sorry for the late response but like with everyone else I'm sure things have been crazy and just haven't thought about it. Hope everyone is doing ok. 

You would never piss me off by what you or anyone says really so don't worry about that. Truthfully the only one pissing me off lately is my ex. 

I have a grip, what i and said there before is me trying to make excuses for her it basically just thinking out loud trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her tbh. I know what your saying and yes there is times I think that too but having experienced it first hand i don't believe all of that to be true. Is she perfect no? Was she very ****ty to me during our relationship at times of course and same with me. It happens in the end though I know not all of this is my fault with more of the blame pushed towards her side. 

About 3 months ago is when I started to move towards not caring about getting her back etc etc. Will I always care or love her sure, do I believe some therapy and better communication would make a lot of our issues better? im sure it could have who knows. 

She has also been assisting in making me want to pull away more from her in terms of not "allowing" me to bring my son to any of his appts for his broken leg ( remember the older union guy guess who she picks up for the appts hour and half away) same for PT which are local and only an hour. My son now fractured his foot falling off his new bike he got for easter on the same side as the broken leg the poor kid. She did let me go to the follow up for that but of course she was there too. 

Lots of other fun stuff since the Covid19 s*** has happened. She had an emergency surgery on march 20th I think it was and I had the kids 90% of the time since she couldn't move. Not her fault of course cyst on her ovaries. But she has gotten increasing nasty about the custody and other issues. Finally got her to switch her car insurance after 2 days of hounding her since all she did was nickel and dime me about it when the payment was due. 

When the stimulus was issued that was another fun fight but I kinda get the last laugh there in the end.

My lawyer is just waiting on her lawyer to send over their agreement to look over but mine says she already thinks its gonna just have to go to court which I kinda figured. 

I also had something interesting happen. I had a random new facebook account send me screenshots from my exes facebook page. Don't know who it was but we had a short conversation and they sent me some stuff... Lots of hypocritical BS (like kinda flirting with the ex she used to sleep on and off with for years but wanted nothing to do with)

Also I made mistake and yes I know it was mistake... She offered to split Disney plus with me since we still split the others and the kids like it and I need to catch on my marvel and star wars so no issues here haha. Anyway she never set up the profiles so I did it. The kids were helping me, They are grumpy kids I'm darth daddy and well we made mommy Evil queen mommy... Yes I know I know shouldn't have done it was just having some fun I deflect with stupid jokes. They went and told her the next day when they went over and she never said anything to me. In the end id rather have the conversations be me being stupid and saying silly things and her being the aggressive and nasty one then the other way around. 

Within the screenshots I was sent she had posted it on facebook which lead to her mom, brother, some cousins and her best friend saying ****. My ex really didn't she just said this is what happens when you let your ex create the profiles and said she just laughed and changed it. But she didn't stop anyone else from saying the negative ****. Thats on me i suppose but still I don't think it needed to be on there along with some other stuff but even my social worker that I see said its not like I was being mean and there's no reason for that kinda stuff to be out there for everyone to see. It puts all of them in a bad light along with other post trying to make her look like she's s good person in terms of that stimulus package and whatnot. 

She was on there saying how she was being nice and splitting it since I was very helpful and accommodating while she was recovering from the surgery... the conversation we had about it was very different. 

Oh and the normal posting about being in a toxic relationship or with a narcissist that type of stuff. 

On another fun note I finished up the suspension work on my new car so I could sell the actual newer car and of course it was just when all this crap started so the company that was gonna buy it dropped their offer by 10k! Which is bs but I'm stuck with it for now. I did get payments deferred for 3 months so that's good, plus the disability insurance paid out $900 on it since she is going back to work friday and was out for over a month.


----------



## EleGirl

It sounds like while there are still issues, you are doing a lot better.

The hard part of infidelity and divorce is that the only way through it is to walk right through middle of the pain and chaos. But when you come out the other side, you will be better off.


----------



## FamilyMan216

iaschneider5 said:


> So tonight she asked me if she could come in and get some papers out of the closet to which refused. Im just gonna get them and give them to her, Not that Im trying to keep her out but our daughter doesn't feel good and didn't want her to get steam when she saw her because she of course doesn't understand whats going on.
> 
> Anyway she made the comment that she has to get all her stuff out so I said "I guess therapy is off the table then" Just to see what she would say. She said she will go for herself, which still hasn't happened of course and its been 4 months but anyway a short while after that she said something that really pissed me off so I kinda went of on her a bit which is something I really advent done this whole time. It was mild but still.
> 
> I ended up moving to the conversation of Mediation since I was looking into it just to get this done. She doesn't wanna work with me why am I gonna bother trying to hold on but that conversation didn't end well. And of course I know she doesn't wanna give me any of the savings and I'm sure isn't gonna wanna give me any of the tax return since she makes alot more then me.. and I'm not sure how taxes would wrk since once divorced I wont be filing returns until Im off Workers comp and working again. Then there's the debt. I don't think mediation is gonna work.
> 
> I'm mixed between wondering why I love her so much and want to work it out when she's gotten so cold after leaving to why am I stalling and just get it over with.
> 
> Just venting my current frustrations.


Nothing wrong with caring. At least you have morals.


----------



## iaschneider5

I'm trying my best that's for sure and as I said she's making it easy do to. To move on from here anyway everything else in my life is a mess. 
I took an offer to settle my comp cased after 7 years almost Im nervous. 

I was checking the amazon accounts browsing history for something I looked at the other day and saw 2 things looked at today.... by her cause it wasn't me........... Pregnancy tests!


----------



## SunCMars

iaschneider5 said:


> I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.


I have been meaning to mention this for some time.

I have suffered the effects of TBI,_ traumatic brain injury_ , while serving in the military, and after suffering injuries in car wrecks and falls!
It is not a fun situation.....

Believe me!

I have since recovered.
Uh, as far as I know?

Huh, what?
.............................................................

I had a high school friend who wrecked his car at ninety miles an hour. He hit a stone wall at an angle, veered off of it and then hit a tree.
The tree invited itself into the car and poked him 'God awful hard' in the head.

He was in a coma and he was, afterwards, never the same. 

He went from being a straight 'A' student to being hot tempered, having a short attention span. He struggled just to get 'C's'

He remembered very little of the accident. 

Jeez, the things that would come out of his mouth. It was as if he had no control of his mind.

Years later, he did get much better.

However, I remembered all of the accident. I ended up in the back seat! 
We both had committed under-age drinking.

The car was a 1957 Buick, it was built like a tank. There were no seat belts used back then.
Anyway, I walked away from the wreck, he did not.

I assume you are aware of some of the published side effects. 

Others reading this may not be.

..................................

*Mild traumatic brain injury*
The signs and symptoms of mild traumatic brain injury may include:

*Physical symptoms*


Loss of consciousness for a few seconds to a few minutes
No loss of consciousness, but a state of being dazed, confused or disoriented
Headache
Nausea or vomiting
Fatigue or drowsiness
Problems with speech
Difficulty sleeping
Sleeping more than usual
Dizziness or loss of balance
*Sensory symptoms*


Sensory problems, such as blurred vision, ringing in the ears, a bad taste in the mouth or changes in the ability to smell
Sensitivity to light or sound
*Cognitive or mental symptoms*


Memory or concentration problems
Mood changes or mood swings
Feeling depressed or anxious
 *Moderate to severe traumatic brain injuries*
Moderate to severe traumatic brain injuries can include any of the signs and symptoms of mild injury, as well as these symptoms that may appear within the first hours to days after a head injury:

*Physical symptoms*


Loss of consciousness from several minutes to hours
Persistent headache or headache that worsens
Repeated vomiting or nausea
Convulsions or seizures
Dilation of one or both pupils of the eyes
Clear fluids draining from the nose or ears
Inability to awaken from sleep
Weakness or numbness in fingers and toes
Loss of coordination
*Cognitive or mental symptoms*


Profound confusion
Agitation, combativeness or other unusual behavior
Slurred speech
Coma and other disorders of consciousness


----------



## iaschneider5

SunCMars said:


> I have been meaning to mention this for some time.
> 
> I have suffered the effects of TBI,_ traumatic brain injury_ , while serving in the military, and after suffering injuries in car wrecks and falls!
> It is not a fun situation.....
> 
> Believe me!
> 
> I have since recovered.
> Uh, as far as I know?
> 
> Huh, what?
> .............................................................
> 
> I had a high school friend who wrecked his car at ninety miles an hour. He hit a stone wall at an angle, veered off of it and then hit a tree.
> The tree invited itself into the car and poked him 'God awful hard' in the head.
> 
> He was in a coma and he was, afterwards, never the same.
> 
> He went from being a straight 'A' student to being hot tempered, having a short attention span. He struggled just to get 'C's'
> 
> He remembered very little of the accident.
> 
> Jeez, the things that would come out of his mouth. It was as if he had no control of his mind.
> 
> Years later, he did get much better.
> 
> However, I remembered all of the accident. I ended up in the back seat!
> We both had committed under-age drinking.
> 
> The car was a 1957 Buick, it was built like a tank. There were no seat belts used back then.
> Anyway, I walked away from the wreck, he did not.
> 
> I assume you are aware of some of the published side effects.
> 
> Others reading this may not be.
> 
> ..................................
> 
> *Mild traumatic brain injury*
> The signs and symptoms of mild traumatic brain injury may include:
> 
> *Physical symptoms*
> 
> 
> Loss of consciousness for a few seconds to a few minutes
> No loss of consciousness, but a state of being dazed, confused or disoriented
> Headache
> Nausea or vomiting
> Fatigue or drowsiness
> Problems with speech
> Difficulty sleeping
> Sleeping more than usual
> Dizziness or loss of balance
> *Sensory symptoms*
> 
> 
> Sensory problems, such as blurred vision, ringing in the ears, a bad taste in the mouth or changes in the ability to smell
> Sensitivity to light or sound
> *Cognitive or mental symptoms*
> 
> 
> Memory or concentration problems
> Mood changes or mood swings
> Feeling depressed or anxious
> *Moderate to severe traumatic brain injuries*
> Moderate to severe traumatic brain injuries can include any of the signs and symptoms of mild injury, as well as these symptoms that may appear within the first hours to days after a head injury:
> 
> *Physical symptoms*
> 
> 
> Loss of consciousness from several minutes to hours
> Persistent headache or headache that worsens
> Repeated vomiting or nausea
> Convulsions or seizures
> Dilation of one or both pupils of the eyes
> Clear fluids draining from the nose or ears
> Inability to awaken from sleep
> Weakness or numbness in fingers and toes
> Loss of coordination
> *Cognitive or mental symptoms*
> 
> 
> Profound confusion
> Agitation, combativeness or other unusual behavior
> Slurred speech
> Coma and other disorders of consciousness


I have had most of those symptoms at one point or another and still have a lot of them on a daily basis. All of the symptoms under the mild TBI section anyway. I have had weakness and numbness in my fingers but I think that has to do more with the 3 herniated discs. It sucks, sorry you have to deal with it aswell. I never had a headache in my life before I hit my head, I could do without them that's for sure. and add on the neck injury and everything else I'm going through its not a fun time. 

For example just today when I got up I went to stretch and my neck froze up as I was doing it and now I can't move. Happens every now and again. Def makes me nervous about settling my comp case but I have no choice. Divorce is fun.. life is fun


----------



## iaschneider5

So both my car and my exes are from 2018, I did get a replacement car that cheaper and was gonna sell mine. The covid19 crap has put a hold on it. It has low miles and right now I found out I can sell it and just have to put out $1700, so I do expect it to go back to its regional number soon. At the original number I would walk away with about 1k plus be able to sell the all the accessories that Ive already taken off.

My exes car on the other hand was 5k in the hole before the virus because she has racked the miles up on it. Now its even more... she said the other day that she wants to take mine and park hers at my house because she cannot stand having the 3 kids next to each other, then sell hers at some point which would require money put out, Alot of money. 

I just put new tires on mine plus took stuff off it to sell and she wants them put back on. 

I gave a little resistance to the idea and she said she's just gonna take them both and sell them because I have another car already. Not gonna let that happen. I have a few ideas on how to make this work and I have no issue giving her the car but I excepted to come out of it with a little cash in my pocket plus I don't want any of the money being put out for her car coming from my pocket or the tax return that is currently being held in a high interest account.

Certainly has annoyed me with this request, she said besides the kids being annoying during car rides she has there things that are issues in her life right now and she's trying to solve one of them... Sounds to me like someone is having issues with her choice of leaving me and the choices shes made since then, maybe I'm wrong


----------



## Affaircare

@iaschneider5 

You have an attorney. She has an attorney. NONE of this should be going from her as a demand to you. When she demands stuff like this, just say "My attorney will let you know our position." 

You see, at this point you two are DIVORCING. That means what is hers is hers, and what is yours is yours. She can't just demand that you give her squat. In fact, most divorce papers are a Divorce and Summons...The Summons is a form of restraining order that tells the Respondent (the person receiving the divorce papers) that they are prohibited from selling any marital assets. Thus, if either one of you trade assets or sell assets you are dissipating marital assets and violating a court order. 

I would STRONGLY recommend just telling her "My attorney will let you (or your attorney) know our position" and everyone just keep what they currently have. 

I don't care if she does get mad. I don't care if she makes threats. A judge has said you can't disspate marital assets. If she wants to do ANYTHING to the marital assets, she has to get court permission first, and that means her attorney petitions, a JUDGE reviews (not you), the judge tells your attorney (and hers) the decision, and then YOUR ATTORNEY would instruct you how to proceed. 

Seriously, brother, you two are a long way down the divorce road. You have got to begin to detach from her. She is no longer your spouse. Another part of the restraining order of divorce papers is a directive to let the other party live in peace (essentially, end all contact). You can have your attorney make a formal request that she stop speaking, writing, emailing, texting, calling and in all other ways, stop contacting you in any form. Further, if she continues to do so after the attorney notifies her and her attorney, a more forceful Protective Order could be filed! 

So please, begin the disentangling. Before you do ANYTHING always run it past your lawyer. SHE is not the boss of this anymore!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Um just say no and be done with it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl

iaschneider5 said:


> So both my car and my exes are from 2018, I did get a replacement car that cheaper and was gonna sell mine. The covid19 crap has put a hold on it. It has low miles and right now I found out I can sell it and just have to put out $1700, so I do expect it to go back to its regional number soon. At the original number I would walk away with about 1k plus be able to sell the all the accessories that Ive already taken off.
> 
> My exes car on the other hand was 5k in the hole before the virus because she has racked the miles up on it. Now its even more... she said the other day that she wants to take mine and park hers at my house because she cannot stand having the 3 kids next to each other, then sell hers at some point which would require money put out, Alot of money.
> 
> I just put new tires on mine plus took stuff off it to sell and she wants them put back on.
> 
> I gave a little resistance to the idea and she said she's just gonna take them both and sell them because I have another car already. Not gonna let that happen. I have a few ideas on how to make this work and I have no issue giving her the car but I excepted to come out of it with a little cash in my pocket plus I don't want any of the money being put out for her car coming from my pocket or the tax return that is currently being held in a high interest account.
> 
> Certainly has annoyed me with this request, she said besides the kids being annoying during car rides she has there things that are issues in her life right now and she's trying to solve one of them... Sounds to me like someone is having issues with her choice of leaving me and the choices shes made since then, maybe I'm wrong


Talk to your attorney. Let him/her handle it. While the children need to be safe when they are in her car, they need to be safe in your car too.

She cannot just take both cars, not with out it all being figured into the divorce settlement.


----------



## iaschneider5

See when she has a question about the kids she just comes out and asks it, Its when she says "I have a question" I know its gonna be interesting. I indulged her but I didn't answer. I will ending an email to my lawyer about it but first I was trying to figure out how I could lt this benefit me. Not necessarily to get anything over on her but just so I don't get screwed in the end. 

No contact at all seems easy but when there is 3 kids involved that's easier said then done. I keep anything from me as civil as possible and from her its either civilish or nasty (although she says I'm the nasty one, my therapist disagrees) She also does like to complain about how the kids are misbehaving a lot and dont listen to her which sucks for her I guess. I will note she informed me that my one son refuses to do school work with her and in one case kicked her to which I said thats something we both need to have a talk with him about it.

I do end up getting stuck with most of the school work for example I got them caught up and she said she would try get them to do it when they came back had 18 assignments each to be done and trying to get that many done within a few days is torture but I'm trying to make sure they done get behind. 

Anyway I also cannot afford to have my lawyer handle every conversation, I was told by her that everything that get said will come back at whoever said it, So when she refuses to let me take our son to the dr thats something that will bite her in the end. 

In terms of her taking my car again it could benefit me in the end and her complaint really isn't about the kids not being safe its the the boys fight when sitting 3 across and ends up making my daughter scream at them and also that she doesn't have enough room for other stuff in the trunk. 

While I understand whats she's saying and im sure she's not wrong about them fighting and it being annoying but she made this choice and knew what she drove, we bought it for her to get to work safely and have enough room to be able to have the kids in the car if needed. My car was the one meant for more room and I have since gotten a new car to replace it and I can only fit the kids 3 across. 

My plan was to sell mine once I had the other one ready but the virus it and slowed everything down, my lawyer didn't seem to have an issue with me selling it when I told her I had too. 

Just in case anyone cares to look it up I have a 8 passenger 2018 Honda pilot and I replaced it with a 5 passenger 2004 Toyota 4runner and my "wife" drives a Hyundai Tuscon which is also 5 passenger. For the exception of the trunk on the Toyota being a bit bigger it and the Tucson fit the same amount of people with about the same amount of room for everyone. Dont see me complaining! 

I think she just wants to take my pilot on my insurance and park her car here so she can say I'm responsible for it since that car requires more money put out to get rid of it.


----------



## jlg07

Don't let her pull ANY crap with her car or yours. SHE is not your problem anymore. If she doesn't LIKE that they fight because they are in a 5 -seater -- TOO BAD.
YOU will have to deal with it in the 4runner, NO? SO she can deal with it in her car.

At this point, I wouldn't give her ANYTHING unless it is mandated by the divorce. Being a "nice" guy here isn't going to benefit you at all...


----------



## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> See when she has a question about the kids she just comes out and asks it, Its when she says "I have a question" I know its gonna be interesting. I indulged her but I didn't answer. I will ending an email to my lawyer about it but first I was trying to figure out how I could lt this benefit me. Not necessarily to get anything over on her but just so I don't get screwed in the end.
> 
> No contact at all seems easy but when there is 3 kids involved that's easier said then done. I keep anything from me as civil as possible and from her its either civilish or nasty (although she says I'm the nasty one, my therapist disagrees) She also does like to complain about how the kids are misbehaving a lot and dont listen to her which sucks for her I guess. I will note she informed me that my one son refuses to do school work with her and in one case kicked her to which I said thats something we both need to have a talk with him about it.
> 
> I do end up getting stuck with most of the school work for example I got them caught up and she said she would try get them to do it when they came back had 18 assignments each to be done and trying to get that many done within a few days is torture but I'm trying to make sure they done get behind.
> 
> Anyway I also cannot afford to have my lawyer handle every conversation, I was told by her that everything that get said will come back at whoever said it, So when she refuses to let me take our son to the dr thats something that will bite her in the end.
> 
> In terms of her taking my car again it could benefit me in the end and her complaint really isn't about the kids not being safe its the the boys fight when sitting 3 across and ends up making my daughter scream at them and also that she doesn't have enough room for other stuff in the trunk.
> 
> While I understand whats she's saying and im sure she's not wrong about them fighting and it being annoying but she made this choice and knew what she drove, we bought it for her to get to work safely and have enough room to be able to have the kids in the car if needed. My car was the one meant for more room and I have since gotten a new car to replace it and I can only fit the kids 3 across.
> 
> My plan was to sell mine once I had the other one ready but the virus it and slowed everything down, my lawyer didn't seem to have an issue with me selling it when I told her I had too.
> 
> Just in case anyone cares to look it up I have a 8 passenger 2018 Honda pilot and I replaced it with a 5 passenger 2004 Toyota 4runner and my "wife" drives a Hyundai Tuscon which is also 5 passenger. For the exception of the trunk on the Toyota being a bit bigger it and the Tucson fit the same amount of people with about the same amount of room for everyone. Dont see me complaining!
> 
> I think she just wants to take my pilot on my insurance and park her car here so she can say I'm responsible for it since that car requires more money put out to get rid of it.


If she wants the Pilot, Quote her full NADA retail book, payable COD.
Otherwise, Hell No!


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Don't let her pull ANY crap with her car or yours. SHE is not your problem anymore. If she doesn't LIKE that they fight because they are in a 5 -seater -- TOO BAD.
> YOU will have to deal with it in the 4runner, NO? SO she can deal with it in her car.
> 
> At this point, I wouldn't give her ANYTHING unless it is mandated by the divorce. Being a "nice" guy here isn't going to benefit you at all...


Oh I'm being nice but only to a point. Im nice in text maybe a little sarcastic but I leave the nasty **** to her, she is still being herself asking for things without asking for example when she would want something she would just say she needs it like a drink or something knowing I would go get it for her, I would playfully call her out on it she would smile i would smile and it was all in cute fun. Now its just annoying and I say that to her aswell.

Example the other day she asked me if she should just take her car somewhere to get her oil changed... I sent a rolling eyes emoji said ill let her know. let her stew for a day and then said I would do it. Why you might ask? Because when I buy oil for my cars I stock up when mobil one has a sale plus the parts stores so I get oil and filter for half price. I have bunch for her car and mine and I'm charging her full price. I'll make $17 on the deal which isn't much but its better then nothing and the slight satisfaction that im getting money from her. Only take less then 30 minutes of my life. 
she thinks she's just getting me to help when really im just making some cash for something that I already have. When I run out of oil I will stop.

I can tell she's is struggling right now, I think the reality of living on her own and the choices she has made since then are becoming an issue. Like the very expensive apartment which takes more then half her monthly income. 




Tdbo said:


> If she wants the Pilot, Quote her full NADA retail book, payable COD.
> Otherwise, Hell No!


I thought about that! 
Right now one of my ideas was she takes it but refinances her car and I have no responsibility for it and are sure the only owed does not come out of the tax return. She can do a voluntary repo and take the hit. Both cars are in both are names and same with the loans. In terms of getting any money for it either gets worked in the negotiation for the tax money or I just cut my losses on it. It would be better then having to put any money out myself since I don't have nay at the moment.


----------



## iaschneider5

Interesting thing happened the other day I guess ill mention. I have been usually cold and quiet when she's around to the point she's notices cause she's gives me attitudes about it. 

Anyway the other day I was in a good mood and I had asked her to bring some shorts for our oldest since she has them all and all I have is old smaller pairs since he's growing like a weed. She nicely told me before that I can buy my own... she did end up bringing me 2 pairs that I promised to return to her tomorrow. In that 30 sec exchange I ended up making her smile/laugh by what I said. Wasn't intentional and I could see she was trying to hold it back but couldn't. I dont think anything of it just first time I've seen her smile around me since she's left so was taken back for a min when it happened.


----------



## iaschneider5

Just an update I guess for anyone that enjoys reading my fun life, Ill try keep it short and sweet.

Lets see so my 8 year old (the one who broke his leg and foot with her) got into the pool at his grandparents pool while it was full of shock treatment. Didn't wanna get out of the pool yada yada yada. She kept upping the punishment because he was laughing and not listening to her and ended at 3 months no electronics which at mostly at my house. 
I disagreed which she didn't seem to care and told me its non of my business how she punishes and same answer when I asked how is she going to make sure that doesn't happen again blah blah blah. 

She also didn't seem concerned when I said I'm glad the other 2 (who are 4,7) didn't get in the pool. She just said they arnt stupid and know they can't swim. 

What else lots of normal back and forth. She does not like it when I give her any tude back. 
I did suggest (and also my therapist did) that we go to therapy for copartenting. First she said that she will never go to mine because Ive already manipulated him into believing she's the scumbag.. Then I suggested finding another one together and she said she doesnt have the freedom I have to do that. So I guess that's a no.

There was another battle over the custody, I want to have it set schedule and equal time she doesn't agree. She said in the past that it would be better for the kids if the time was set so not a lot of back and forth. I agree but so we have equal time, she wants 4 days her and 3 me permanent. Says its better the kids and any other way will just more worse on them and make her spend all her savings paying me or whatever. 

Theres more but ill skip to today. I'm ready to sell my car because the value is up, If I sold to the one company I would walk away with around $750 plus sell the accessories I took off. Not a kings ransom but Im broke. I offered to give it to her for the $750 plus install all the stuff back on and transfer her dash cam which is front and rear and hardwired into the car. She got a bit angry at that. Oh I also offered to continue maintaining the car with free labor she just pays for the parts.

She turned nasty and said that I abused her ( emotionally I take it),I was texting other girls behind her back (it was 1 not that it was right) and that I only care about myself, I will have too split the profit with her and thats its unfair that I'm gonna make her go into more debt over this, if she was gonna do that she would just go buy something else. Oh I did get in writing that she will cover the debt on her current car and im not responsible for it. she will have to put out 6k when it's sold. Not sure if it holds up anywhere but I can try.

I did call her out on the abuse and texting other girl comment since she slept with a coworker then was texting that older union guy and hiding it. She ignored that. I did suggest therapy again and she ignored that also. 

Ok that wasn't short... oops


----------



## Wolfman1968

Dude, just disengage from her about anything except the kids.


----------



## iaschneider5

Ive been trying to do so but it always end up going on other things that she brings up.. I am able to usually turn the conversation back to civil by suggesting we take a break or something like that. She usually gets quiet after I do something like that. 

The car conversation I was just trying to finish up and spoke to my lawyer about it as well. She said if she cant agree then just sell it or suggest it gets done with lawyers. She did say she was gonna call hers tomorrow about it. 

I have been pretty good at not reaching out to her about stuff, she's usually the one to do so. I think once the car thing is done I'm just gonna ignore her or say that I only wanna discuss kids but tbh giving her the car would be easier for me in the end I know I shouldn't but in terms of maintenance at least I know it will be done right. It is my kids in the car after all and I've seen all manner of lazy techs working on cars. One thing I do not do is half ass work on a car.


----------



## Tron

I commend you on your mechanical skills, but when the divorce is done, her car is her responsibility and her problem, regardless of who she is hauling around. Why? Because that is going to include her new beau more often than not. 

Insisting on or even offering to get involved in any manner simply keeps you from moving forward. 

Detach detach detach! 

Where in those three words is there room for "but I can change your oil"?


----------



## iaschneider5

Tron said:


> I commend you on your mechanical skills, but when the divorce is done, her car is her responsibility and her problem, regardless of who she is hauling around. Why? Because that is going to include her new beau more often than not.
> 
> Insisting on or even offering to get involved in any manner simply keeps you from moving forward.
> 
> Detach detach detach!
> 
> Where in those three words is there room for "but I can change your oil"?


Yeah I get it but I figured it would help get it done and as I said its easier for me in the end so I actually wanted to make sure it happens. Giving her the car saves me time and hassle, in terms of maintenance yeah I could tell her to shove it and honestly I could when the time comes what could she actually do? 

Yesterday I made her a cash offer, well she mays me and I reinstall all the stuff I took off the car and transfer her dash camera into it. Did not mention maintenance so to me its left out. I will gladly do the work when the time comes... If Im paid for it. Discounted of course, she will save money and I will make some money and it will be easier for her then going someone since she likes to complain about how much time she doesn't have. I'll make money so thats a win for me! 

I know nobody here can see my conversations but I have been a tad more aggressive while still maintaining a civil conversation (at least on my end). She's not a fan I will say that.


----------



## iaschneider5

My lawyer sent me a copy of her statement of net worth and the agreement she signed with her lawyer. 

She has her income listed at about $3200 a month after taxes( its more like $2500 after all the deductions,paystib was attached) and her monthly expenses listed at about $5200! 

The agreement she signed with her lawyer states its an uncontested divorce and that we already agree on everything and if anything ends up being not agreed upon she will have to sign a new contested divorce agreement. _facepalm_

I did end up throwing gas on the fire today and reached out to my lawyer about a conversation I had about my sons upcoming surgery to have his rods removed from his leg. My son asked me to bring him which Ive already asked about and she doesn't wanna hear any of it. My lawyer is reaching out to hers and said he needs to rein her in after hearing what my ex was saying. I did call her in the past about similar and she offered to get involved, I let it go.
Not this time!


----------



## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> Ive been trying to do so but it always end up going on other things that she brings up.. I am able to usually turn the conversation back to civil by suggesting we take a break or something like that. She usually gets quiet after I do something like that.
> 
> The car conversation I was just trying to finish up and spoke to my lawyer about it as well. She said if she cant agree then just sell it or suggest it gets done with lawyers. She did say she was gonna call hers tomorrow about it.
> 
> I have been pretty good at not reaching out to her about stuff, she's usually the one to do so. I think once the car thing is done I'm just gonna ignore her or say that I only wanna discuss kids but tbh giving her the car would be easier for me in the end I know I shouldn't but in terms of maintenance at least I know it will be done right. It is my kids in the car after all and I've seen all manner of lazy techs working on cars. One thing I do not do is half ass work on a car.


Stop trying to solve her problems. 
It is no longer in your job description, nor is it your plight in life.
Forget about the car. Sell it yourself to someone else.
Do the exact opposite of what she wants. She is self serving.
At this point, it's not about cars or stuff as much as it is about you detaching.
She s**tcanned you as her husband. She wants another car, there are plenty of other places she can pick one up (as long as its not on your dime.) She is a big girl, she made a big girl decision, it is time for her to adjust to the ramifications of it.
The only thing that the two of you need to discuss is your child. Do this via e mail or text. Make sure that there is a paper trail. Let the attorney handle the divorce.
Contact with her should be at a bare minimum. She is no longer your wife, she is the enemy.


----------



## iaschneider5

Giving her the car wasn't really about attachment or detachment but honestly even with having to do all the work I need to do to get it ready for her its just easier on me since sh was gonna fight for half the money anyway but I get what your saying. 

When I took out the dash cam and stuff out of her car today I was near the remote starter and i figured screw it she's leaving it in anyway, so I took the brain from it so I ca have it installed in another car at some point. The dealer s=would take it out anyway. 

First she said oh great it can go in my moms car then when I informed her i took it out for me she flipped. First it was she wanted half the money for it, then put it back in, then I destroyed her car etc etc. Ok maybe I shouldn't have taken it but s*** it was gonna be left in anyway.

Then I asked for the money upfront for my car and boy I set her off about her not being able to trust me and I texted a girl behind her back etc etc etc. Told her I dont start working until I get the money.. She didn't like that and I went off on her for a bit called her out on some of her bs (no response). 

Ok maybe I should have just sold the damn car to the dealer... ah well.

I brought up therapy again.. that went well. 

And then with a flip of a switch she changed her tune sent me a pic of our daughter in bed, told me how she was upset about 2 different things, something about something one of the boys was missing and that was it. 

I will be sticking to no car if no money since I dont trust her enough to give it to me once done.. or as she put it once the title an keys are in hand.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Giving her the car wasn't really about attachment or detachment but honestly even with having to do all the work I need to do to get it ready for her its just easier on me since sh was gonna fight for half the money anyway but I get what your saying.
> 
> When I took out the dash cam and stuff out of her car today I was near the remote starter and i figured screw it she's leaving it in anyway, so I took the brain from it so I ca have it installed in another car at some point. The dealer s=would take it out anyway.
> 
> First she said oh great it can go in my moms car then when I informed her i took it out for me she flipped. First it was she wanted half the money for it, then put it back in, then I destroyed her car etc etc. Ok maybe I shouldn't have taken it but s*** it was gonna be left in anyway.
> 
> Then I asked for the money upfront for my car and boy I set her off about her not being able to trust me and I texted a girl behind her back etc etc etc. Told her I dont start working until I get the money.. She didn't like that and I went off on her for a bit called her out on some of her bs (no response).
> 
> Ok maybe I should have just sold the damn car to the dealer... ah well.
> 
> I brought up therapy again.. that went well.
> 
> And then with a flip of a switch she changed her tune sent me a pic of our daughter in bed, told me how she was upset about 2 different things, something about something one of the boys was missing and that was it.
> 
> I will be sticking to no car if no money since I dont trust her enough to give it to me once done.. or as she put it once the title an keys are in hand.


No, you really DON'T get what everyone has been saying... 

We are saying " do not piss on her even if she is on fire"!!!

Is there any way that we can be more clear. This horrible women has used you since the day that she met you and she still is and always will.

Some small part of you thinks that if you continue to be the "Nice Guy", that she literally HATES, she will see how nice you are and come back to you.

This is and has been a fools errand. 

Don't do anything for her, don't talk to her, don't look at her, don't anything to her.

You are the on keeping your life where it is and you have no one to blame but yourself...


----------



## Tdbo

BluesPower said:


> We are saying " do not piss on her even if she is on fire"!!!


Exactly, that would be a waste of perfectly good piss.
Also, best to let a good dumpster fire burn itself out.


----------



## iaschneider5

No I do I do, Giving her the wasn't about being nice it was actually easier for me. But yes being nice is something I need to stop, prior to the car being handed over she got super nasty and I didn't stand for it. She was not happy with my reaction but idc. She tried to say all kinds of things and I shut her down and then she turned nice and I ended the conversation. 

The car is done and I'm done.

I'm not trying to win her back, I'm not trying to keep my life where it was. Where I am right now is trying to figure out the next move. Tad hard when im completely broke and there's a few other obstacles in the way but im working on it. 

Not sure if id piss on her if she was on fire but maybe call the fire dept?.. on the other hand pissing on her might yield some type of satisfaction LMAO!


----------



## iaschneider5

Oh she asked in her typical fashion for me to bring her car to the dealership for her also.. First it was similar to I still have take my car to the dealership and Ill get screwed over then later on she said "Like are you gonna take the car to the dealership so I don't get screwed just because im a women?"

I asked her if she was seriously asking me that also informed her that I wasn't her husband anymore she fired me and that she's a big girl making big girl decisions she can take care of it.

She didn't like that and said technically its my car too but f*** her right.

Such fun. My lawyer has sent something over to hers to get this moving. She said between catch up and all his criminal cases he's behind.


----------



## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> Oh she asked in her typical fashion for me to bring her car to the dealership for her also.. First it was similar to I still have take my car to the dealership and Ill get screwed over then later on she said "Like are you gonna take the car to the dealership so I don't get screwed just because im a women?"
> 
> I asked her if she was seriously asking me that also informed her that I wasn't her husband anymore she fired me and that she's a big girl making big girl decisions she can take care of it.
> 
> She didn't like that and said technically its my car too but f*** her right.
> 
> Such fun. My lawyer has sent something over to hers to get this moving. She said between catch up and all his criminal cases he's behind.


Tell her she screwed everyone else, she may as well take on the guys at the dealership as well.


----------



## iaschneider5

Tdbo said:


> Tell her she screwed everyone else, she may as well take on the guys at the dealership as well.


STOP! lol I really wanna say that to her next time he asks me to do it lmao


----------



## iaschneider5

So the car is done, Only 2 complaints so far! 

She found a dealer to buy her car and she needs to put out 7k towards it. I again asked her if it was coming from the tax return which was not supposed to be touched and it is of course because he lawyer said its fine as long as its from her portion and he doesn't always get split 50/50 anyway... She needs me to sign the title for the car so I refused until I'm able to speak to my lawyer which will be next week since she's on vacation until monday. 
Needless to say she was pissed and starting going off on how my goal in life is just to f*** her over and she finally had something working out and now its destroyed etc etc.

I'm ticked off because she spent all the savings and now was just gonna spend money out of the taxes just because she has the money in her account. Either way I'm screwed since im on the loan as well and maybe my lawyer will say let her do it but im not just gonna take her lawyers word for it id rather ask mine. 

She also asked me to sign the title for the car she just took and wont be doing the untucks the loan is switched which I will talking to my lawyer about aswell.


----------



## jlg07

Good job making sure that YOU are covered -- I agree, wait for your lawyer to review. If she doesn't like it, then she shouldn't have cheated.


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Good job making sure that YOU are covered -- I agree, wait for your lawyer to review. If she doesn't like it, then she shouldn't have cheated.


Trying to make sure I'm covered as best I can... I cheated digitally and she left but she cheated both ways more then once but at this point it doesn't matter. By some of her statements last night seems her life isn't going as easy as she had hoped.. Maybe it has something to do with her saying she spends $2,000 more month then she makes?


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## Chuck71

I'll sign when $xxxx is in my bank account. Until then you can wish in one hand and shat in the other....

see which hand fills first. She thinks hurting you will make her feel better. It won't.

She hates herself more than she does you. On your way out of this D, make sure she 

owns her POS tendencies.


----------



## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> I'll sign when $xxxx is in my bank account. Until then you can wish in one hand and shat in the other....
> 
> see which hand fills first. She thinks hurting you will make her feel better. It won't.
> 
> She hates herself more than she does you. On your way out of this D, make sure she
> 
> owns her POS tendencies.


It would be nice to just get at least half of the tax return now but she wont do that since "her lawyer says not until its over" and according to my lawyer I should get the whole thing but who the hell knows what's gonna happen but I was under the impression it was not supposed to be touched until the end. 

I think you are right about that, all she does is tell me I'm selfish, hurting the kids, only care about myself etc etc. Like for today for example I went on facebook and saw a post about a narcissist asking do you know one and describes what it is... Her cousin posted it and since Im friends with her still I see it and of course first comment is my ex saying she does. When I did see her facebook page i was all about knowing and being with selfish people and narcissists which I fins amusing since we both used to make fun of her cousin who would do the same thing after a breakup calling her ex one smh

And you may be onto something about hating herself more then she does me idk, She always try to complain to me about how her life is stressful and stuff like that. i typically just ignore her but she does it anyway.


----------



## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> So the car is done, Only 2 complaints so far!
> 
> She found a dealer to buy her car and she needs to put out 7k towards it. I again asked her if it was coming from the tax return which was not supposed to be touched and it is of course because he lawyer said its fine as long as its from her portion and he doesn't always get split 50/50 anyway... She needs me to sign the title for the car so I refused until I'm able to speak to my lawyer which will be next week since she's on vacation until monday.
> Needless to say she was pissed and starting going off on how my goal in life is just to f*** her over and she finally had something working out and now its destroyed etc etc.
> 
> I'm ticked off because she spent all the savings and now was just gonna spend money out of the taxes just because she has the money in her account. Either way I'm screwed since im on the loan as well and maybe my lawyer will say let her do it but im not just gonna take her lawyers word for it id rather ask mine.
> 
> She also asked me to sign the title for the car she just took and wont be doing the untucks the loan is switched which I will talking to my lawyer about aswell.


Let your attorney handle the situation with the cars.
Make sure the outcome is iron clad, and that you can get no blowback from any of it.
You need to get this one out of your life quickly. she is bad news personified.


----------



## Andy1001

When are you going to stop playing her games? 
Stop any contact whatsoever unless it’s about the kids because you give her the impression that she still has a hold over you. And judging by your comments about her life not going as well as she hoped she may be right.
You have a lawyer, use him.


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## Chuck71

When you cut all contact with her....she will explode like a supernova. I guarantee it.

She wanted out, away from you, "to be free" By all means, give her exactly what she wants.

99% of the time, they don't like, what they get. But that's not your problem anymore.

I've been on this board nearly 8 years (damn time flies)..... every time I say the above, it happens.

Clockwork....


----------



## iaschneider5

I have been working on not talking about anything but the kids, 85% of the conversations are kid related. I tried to talk to her about the survey the school put out about returning, masks and all that but she didn't wanna discuss it with me.

I did reach out to her about making a deal, Split tax return and ill sign the title to her car so she can sell it or she refinances and can give it to the bank but she didn't wanna hear any of it. She wont split the tax return because she expects to get most of it. This was after I spoke with my lawyer and I was informed my exes lawyer is going to tell her she should split it now (she has said in the past he told her not until its over) and he also is going to speak to her about how she's acting towards the dr appts and such as he agues with what my lawyer is saying that she is being ridiculous in the way she is acting.
My lawyer oked me reaching out to ask those questions, I generally don't respond at all to most things or have delayed response and yes it really gets to her I can tell. 

My lawyer said she is still waiting on the offer from her lawyer but if any longer she suggests doing a RJI. based on how long I've been hearing he's getting the paperwork ready I think by next week I'm going to have it done soon.


----------



## Lostinthought61

does she realize with every communications she has with her lawyer it is diminishing the size of the tax return she and you will be able to keep. penny wise and pound foolish to the very end.


----------



## iaschneider5

When it comes to money she is not the smartest person and constantly complains to me that she has non... Not sure of anyone saw but according to her statement of net worth she spends 2k more a month then she makes! I try to avoid talking to mine unless I really have to but I do want to move this along and I wanted to get clarification before signing any title. 

What I find most interesting is how she gave a 3k flat fee for an UNCONTESTED divorce to her lawyer and it states that she will have to sign new agreement if non of the items are agreed upon. So she signed an agreement saying we have already agreed on everything yet never discussed any of it with me prior to getting a lawyer. She just expected me to roll over..

Oh wait she called me disgusting and a few other things for not just agreeing since its "what's best for our kids" and because we could both just walk away with what we have but I wont do that which makes me in her eyes all the names she was calling me.


----------



## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> What I find most interesting is how she gave a 3k flat fee for an UNCONTESTED divorce to her lawyer and it states that she will have to sign new agreement if non of the items are agreed upon. So she signed an agreement saying we have already agreed on everything yet never discussed any of it with me prior to getting a lawyer. She just expected me to roll over..


Let your attorney handle this with her attorney and the judge.
Time for your old girl to get a reality enema.


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> When it comes to money she is not the smartest person and constantly complains to me that she has non... Not sure of anyone saw but according to her statement of net worth she spends 2k more a month then she makes! I try to avoid talking to mine unless I really have to but I do want to move this along and I wanted to get clarification before signing any title.
> 
> What I find most interesting is how she gave a 3k flat fee for an UNCONTESTED divorce to her lawyer and it states that she will have to sign new agreement if non of the items are agreed upon. So she signed an agreement saying we have already agreed on everything yet never discussed any of it with me prior to getting a lawyer. She just expected me to roll over..
> 
> Oh wait she called me disgusting and a few other things for not just agreeing since its "what's best for our kids" and because we could both just walk away with what we have but I wont do that which makes me in her eyes all the names she was calling me.


I have gotten the impression that you have really TRIED to continue to be a "nice guy", but does she still not get it that you guys are going to be divorced?

Kind of crazy.

And I hope you are learning to NOT be a nice guy at this level at some point...


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> I have gotten the impression that you have really TRIED to continue to be a "nice guy", but does she still not get it that you guys are going to be divorced?
> 
> Kind of crazy.
> 
> And I hope you are learning to NOT be a nice guy at this level at some point...


Yes I have for a few reasons. 1 for court, if we are there and the judge ends up seeing all the messages between us for whatever reason or just she try to paint me in a negative light I will have proof to prove otherwise. 2 for my own sanity, I cannot go everyday hating her and being angry/ or fighting with her its not good for my mental health which is already suffering and not just because of the divorce. Its also not good for me to be like that around my kids s I try keep civil and nice, now I can totally be a d*** to her and have been on occasion but I generally keep my comments sarcastic or I just ignore her. 
She constantly gets nasty with me and I think she tries to get me to blow up and i do my best not to, In terms of the car giving it to her was easier really but I still shouldn't have. 

I am still kind of... upset maybe is the word to use that she will not consider therapy in terms of bettering our relationship for the sake of the kids, I mean she wouldn't even talk about the school surgery about getting kids back in school this september. She did give me a slight answer which means basically she said she's fine with everything as long as they are back in school because anything different then that she will def have to pay me support because I will have to put my back to work thing on hold. Had nothing to do what was better for the kids...

I did kinda poke the bear today and asked her if she will be splitting any next stimulus 50/50.. she has not responded yet. I figured why not ask now so I know if I need to get my lawyer involved or not. Last time it was a battle for sure.


----------



## BluesPower

I just don't get it. You are going to be nice even after the divorce. 

Does she still see her BF or is he out of the picture right now. 

Why do you ****ing care if you get along with her... She is never going to treat you like you deserve, she never has, and she never will. 

The best you can hope for is not have to talk to her after the D.


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## iaschneider5

She said she doesn't have a bf cause ive made my comments butI'm sure thats bs and I really dont care unless he gets to go to my sons dr appts and i dont... As I said i have a lot going on in my life right now. I could make a list but not like it matters anyway. During the divorce will be nice which doesn't mean im gonna bend to her every need im just not gonna tell her she's a f**** c*** who can go f*** herself... at least for now... I will be as civil as can be which is the recommendation of my therapist and I'm gonna attempt to do for my own well being. I have enough effecting me on a daily basis and I try to not get angry over the s*** with her.

I will have a relationship with her after the divorce since we have 3 kids but it will be for just that and nothing else. I dont wanna hear how difficult her life is or how broke she is etc etc. I want what I'm entilited to, some assistance until I can gt my life together which at this point is gonna be hard or impossible depending on how the school year goes. 

Whats funny is in the past she has said to me she doesn't wanna pay me and I can just go back to work and we can send the kids to daycare during the summer, yet the other day she agreed with me that even if I was working at the moment we still couldn't afford it smh

Her response to splitting the stimulus when approved.... "depends on where we're at"


----------



## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> When it comes to money she is not the smartest person and constantly complains to me that she has non... Not sure of anyone saw but according to her statement of net worth she spends 2k more a month then she makes! I try to avoid talking to mine unless I really have to but I do want to move this along and I wanted to get clarification before signing any title.
> 
> What I find most interesting is how she gave a 3k flat fee for an UNCONTESTED divorce to her lawyer and it states that she will have to sign new agreement if non of the items are agreed upon. So she signed an agreement saying we have already agreed on everything yet never discussed any of it with me prior to getting a lawyer. She just expected me to roll over..
> 
> Oh wait she called me disgusting and a few other things for not just agreeing since its "what's best for our kids" and because we could both just walk away with what we have but I wont do that which makes me in her eyes all the names she was calling me.


She will take.....whatever you give. You think you're up for her BS....then you realize......

Had enough of that yet?

99% of what comes out of her mouth is garbage. But you still listen intently. Why?

Manipulating via children....2nd oldest profession.

When you get sick and tired of being "sick and tired" maybe it will transpire in a positive manner for you.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

I'm confused on why you've even hired a lawyer. You keep keep keep keep keep keep keep contacting her yourself for everything you think needs to be handled. If you hired someone to do a job....why not let them do it?


----------



## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> She will take.....whatever you give. You think you're up for her BS....then you realize......
> 
> Had enough of that yet?
> 
> 99% of what comes out of her mouth is garbage. But you still listen intently. Why?
> 
> Manipulating via children....2nd oldest profession.
> 
> When you get sick and tired of being "sick and tired" maybe it will transpire in a positive manner for you.


I know that its hard to get the whole picture without being involved or seeing all the screenshots that I have taken but i am not as nice and helpful as it seems. Yes I gave her the car and I got it ready for her but as I said that was more for my benefit in the end.
She tries to manipulate using the kids and I do not let it happen and call her out on it. I also keep a record of ay negativity coming from her as my lawyer said to do (and people on here) and at some point will use the program my lawyer know about to try print everything out. 




hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm confused on why you've even hired a lawyer. You keep keep keep keep keep keep keep contacting her yourself for everything you think needs to be handled. If you hired someone to do a job....why not let them do it?


Before I started the car talk with her and during i did speak with my lawyer about it and she said working it out with her is fine. Before I agreed or even spoke to her about signing the title to her car I spoke with my lawyer which pissed her off but ah well. 

In terms of the stimulus, did I need to ask no. I was just curious what she would say and I already know what my lawyer is going say which would be the same as last time but I will now involve her just to let her know what she has said. 

I have involved my lawyer more at this point and told her I would like this to get moving. I'm also pretty broke so If I can keep my costs down by asking her stuff directly or coming to a peaceful resolution without involving the lawyer then I will try ( my lawyer said that for small stuff its ok if we can figure it out) custody, assets, tax return, child support will be handled through the lawyers. I did ask my ex if she would split the tax return and then I would sign the title to her car which I only after i spoke to my lawyer and got the ok. My lawyer had also reached out to her lawyer about it as well and he said he would reach out to her. 

In a perfect world i would like to cut contact with her after the divorce but we have 3 kids and will need to be involved in some way so I would like to have a civil relationship with her if possible. Something my therapist has said should be a goal. He says he sees too many people stay nasty with each other and the kids are the ones that suffer which is also why I constantly talk about therapy with her. I know she will never say yes but when we get to court I would love for her to say that I'm the problem and not cooperative when she's the one denying therapy! 

Today she texted me to ask if she could ask me a question about the pilot (the car I gave her)... I said ill think about it to which she sent a roll eye emoji. and then Ignored her from there. If she does ask me again I'm going to just say IDK which will piss her off. oh well


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## iaschneider5

I couldn't help myself and asked what her question was.... She wanted know if the blacked out grille from a 2020 Honda pilot would fit on the2018 she just took from me cause ya know when your complaining your broke the priorities in life are replacing the grille on your car with a black one! 

No I did not answer the question ( its yes, I know this because I was gonna do it myself!) I just told her she has more important things to worry about right now.. 

and yes I know I shouldn't have even started the conversation but I was curious. I did wanna make sure it wasn't some type of safety question as my kids are in that car.. I know everything is good on it but the way she drives and takes care of things who knows what could have happened!


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## hubbyintrubby

iaschneider5 said:


> I couldn't help myself and asked what her question was.... She wanted know if the blacked out grille from a 2020 Honda pilot would fit on the2018 she just took from me cause ya know when your complaining your broke the priorities in life are replacing the grille on your car with a black one!
> 
> No I did not answer the question ( its yes, I know this because I was gonna do it myself!) I just told her she has more important things to worry about right now..
> 
> and yes I know I shouldn't have even started the conversation but I was curious. I did wanna make sure it wasn't some type of safety question as my kids are in that car.. I know everything is good on it but the way she drives and takes care of things who knows what could have happened!


Apparently she's never heard of Google (?)


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## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> I couldn't help myself and asked what her question was.... She wanted know if the blacked out grille from a 2020 Honda pilot would fit on the2018 she just took from me cause ya know when your complaining your broke the priorities in life are replacing the grille on your car with a black one!
> 
> No I did not answer the question ( its yes, I know this because I was gonna do it myself!) I just told her she has more important things to worry about right now..
> 
> and yes I know I shouldn't have even started the conversation but I was curious. I did wanna make sure it wasn't some type of safety question as my kids are in that car.. I know everything is good on it but the way she drives and takes care of things who knows what could have happened!


No she has never heard of google, but why should she when she has OP here. 

My brother, yeah you talk a great game but you got NO GAME at all. 

I guess you love punishing yourself by talking to your wife. 

Ok, well to each his own. 

But let me ask... What has being Mr nice guy gotten you? Anything. I think you don't believe it, I cannot remember, but your wife, while you were married cheated on you. 

I can't remember if you know, or believe that yet and right now it really does not matter. 

I am betting that you have NEVER been with a woman that loves you. A women that thinks you are the bees knees. A woman that wanted to **** your brains out. 

I bet you have never really had a healthy loving relationship. But you know what, if you stop being a nice guy, learn to love yourself, and learn about people and women...

AND STOP TALKING TO YOUR ****ING STBXW.... One day you may have these things. 

Just imagine being with a woman that actually loved you, that actually had your back, that was there for you... 

Don't you wonder what that would be like????????

STOP TALKING TO HER!!!!!!


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## iaschneider5

hubbyintrubby said:


> Apparently she's never heard of Google (?)


I guess not but as I said I didn't answer the question but my curiosity got the best of me. 



BluesPower said:


> No she has never heard of google, but why should she when she has OP here.
> 
> My brother, yeah you talk a great game but you got NO GAME at all.
> 
> I guess you love punishing yourself by talking to your wife.
> 
> Ok, well to each his own.
> 
> But let me ask... What has being Mr nice guy gotten you? Anything. I think you don't believe it, I cannot remember, but your wife, while you were married cheated on you.
> 
> I can't remember if you know, or believe that yet and right now it really does not matter.
> 
> I am betting that you have NEVER been with a woman that loves you. A women that thinks you are the bees knees. A woman that wanted to **** your brains out.
> 
> I bet you have never really had a healthy loving relationship. But you know what, if you stop being a nice guy, learn to love yourself, and learn about people and women...
> 
> AND STOP TALKING TO YOUR ****ING STBXW.... One day you may have these things.
> 
> Just imagine being with a woman that actually loved you, that actually had your back, that was there for you...
> 
> Don't you wonder what that would be like????????
> 
> STOP TALKING TO HER!!!!!!


Yes yes I know I shouldn't have asked but as I said before the curiosity got to me, and I wanted to make sure nothing was wrong with it. Keep in mind Im not backing down in terms of the divorce in any way. 

When we do speak about most things I do manage to piss her off because I don't take her ****, she generally tries to be nicer now in text since I give it back to her and it just pisses her off. Ive reached out to my lawyer again about the car she is "selling" since she now has it back at her apartment and isn't paying for it. Also to see if she received the paperwork from her lawyer yet.. I was told by 2 other lawyers that he can be very busy and things can tend to drag out with him. Not sure if intentionally or not. He's divorce and criminal lawyer. 

In terms of your love question.. Good question.


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## iaschneider5

Well she yelled at me (in text) about my daughter because she was crying when I dropped her off after spending on day with me because of the messed custody schedule. I gave it back to her and said any discussions about it need be done through lawyers because what she wants isn't gonna happen.

Well next day dropped the kids off I gave her the plates and registration that came in the mail since she renewed it and I'm the primary. She and I were both nice as usual, she tried to make some small talk I only half acknowledged it.
About 45 min later she texts me a pic of the plate installed and telling me how great the new plate frames she got are, where to get them etc etc... Like WTF. One day treating me like garbage the next trying to start a conversation after the kids are dropped off about a license plate frame?

Anyway today our kids school released their plan for bringing kids back to school. 2 groups, 2 half days each in person and 3 half days remote for everyone. We did have a quick conversation about how screwed up it is, did not get into the obvious problems given i have to try get back to work onceI settle my case and get my life in order. Not sure how I will manage that given that schedule. More S*** to add to the pile!


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## iaschneider5

... At 1040 tonight I get a random text from her telling me that they changed her start time at work... When she texted me she said "we got a new start time btw" When I saw it I thought she meant maybe the kids school or something. No she wanted to talk about the new start time at her job... at 1040 at night out of nowhere. All I said was for what to clarify.. and then ok after her long winded message. 

What the actual f*** is wrong with her. I was very tempted to ask her why she felt the need to share this with me but I didn't.. Should I? So I can tell her to stop bothering me about random things like license late frames and her work start times.


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## 3Xnocharm

Just flat out tell her, if it isn’t about the kids, you don’t want to hear from her at all. Period. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Just flat out tell her, if it isn’t about the kids, you don’t want to hear from her at all. Period.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thats what I'm going to do. I'm just planning out how to say it in a way that wont set her off. I would prefer to avoid making her snap..
She did it again yesterday. I guess she belongs to a Honda Pilot owners group now since she has taken mine, she sent me a screenshot of a stupid post from it about a mistake someone made with theirs and said "gotta laugh at some people" I just gave her a thumbs up and didn't say anything else. Its just general confusing for her to try have a random conversation with me given whats happening between us and the things she says when she's angry.


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## Blondilocks

Don't acknowledge those communiques. If she asks why, tell her it didn't involve the kids or finances. No need to try to set a boundary with her. She isn't your problem anymore.


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## iaschneider5

Blondilocks said:


> Don't acknowledge those communiques. If she asks why, tell her it didn't involve the kids or finances. No need to try to set a boundary with her. She isn't your problem anymore.


Nope she isn't, I'm wondering if this has something to do with the fact she keeps mentioning how stressed she is and all this other stuff about having no money etc etc.. Yet she keeps spending a bunch of it smh


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## Lostinthought61

This divorce is hitting in ways she had not anticipated, the quietness of not engaging you in conversations no matter how mundane they are is making her realize how alone she is, how she misses even the arguments with you....people will rather have the carrot than the stick but they would rather have the stick and not being noticed at all....your silence and not reaching unless it’s about the kid has become her torment.....the less communication the it haunts her....this is when you strike over and over that she brought this on herself.


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## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> ... At 1040 tonight I get a random text from her telling me that they changed her start time at work... When she texted me she said "we got a new start time btw" When I saw it I thought she meant maybe the kids school or something. No she wanted to talk about the new start time at her job... at 1040 at night out of nowhere. All I said was for what to clarify.. and then ok after her long winded message.
> 
> What the actual f*** is wrong with her. I was very tempted to ask her why she felt the need to share this with me but I didn't.. Should I? So I can tell her to stop bothering me about random things like license late frames and her work start times.


She is a bad person. She is completely self absorbed, and my guess is she always has been. You were and are a "NICE GUY" with all of the negative connotations that that entails. 

YOU KNOW THE ANSWER. We told you to ****ing stop talking to her. We told you this would happen.

I don't understand why you don't understand??? If is a processing thing. Can you still not believe what you were married to. Can you still believe that you were so stupid, well get over it brother. 

MOST OF US HAVE DONE IT!!!!! I know I did. 

I get that it is hard to realize what we have done to our lives with women like your wife, I GET IT... 

Stop talking to her, stop caring about her, just stop it... Save yourself...


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## hubbyintrubby

I'm not sure what you're not getting here. Everybody is telling you to ignore her, but it seems you do not have it in yourself to do so. Answer her messages all you want, chit-chat all you want. Coming here and giving excuses why you're doing it is fine, but I'm not sure how that can help your situation much.


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## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> Thats what I'm going to do. I'm just planning out how to say it in a way that wont set her off. I would prefer to avoid making her snap..
> She did it again yesterday. I guess she belongs to a Honda Pilot owners group now since she has taken mine, she sent me a screenshot of a stupid post from it about a mistake someone made with theirs and said "gotta laugh at some people" I just gave her a thumbs up and didn't say anything else. Its just general confusing for her to try have a random conversation with me given whats happening between us and the things she says when she's angry.


I certainly hope the one she joined is not the one that I am a member of (wife and I are looking at new Pilots.)
Do you know why she keeps going off on you and setting you off?
*Because she can.*
If you need to see this visually, watch a cartoon featuring the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote.
She is the Road Runner and you are Wile E.
Why does Wile E. always end up on the short end of the stick?
Because he always does things the same way he always does and expects different results. Road Runner knows this and capitalizes on it.
Many here have told you to stop catering to her and let your attorney do his/her job.
All communication to her needs to be through text or electronic mail.
You need to develop an economy in your language with her. Every word and syllable should be designed to have maximum meaning. You should use very few of them. As a mental aid, pretend every word you type to her costs you $5.00.
You need to yank the rug out from under her. If she sends you a message *that is not urgent to the health and welfare of your kids,* you simply answer it *at your leisure (or not at all.)*
You are divorcing. She is no longer your monkey. You no longer belong to the same Circus.


----------



## iaschneider5

BluesPower said:


> She is a bad person. She is completely self absorbed, and my guess is she always has been. You were and are a "NICE GUY" with all of the negative connotations that that entails.
> 
> YOU KNOW THE ANSWER. We told you to ****ing stop talking to her. We told you this would happen.
> 
> I don't understand why you don't understand??? If is a processing thing. Can you still not believe what you were married to. Can you still believe that you were so stupid, well get over it brother.
> 
> MOST OF US HAVE DONE IT!!!!! I know I did.
> 
> I get that it is hard to realize what we have done to our lives with women like your wife, I GET IT...
> 
> Stop talking to her, stop caring about her, just stop it... Save yourself...


I try my best keep any conversations kid focused, Most I do when she tries the random conversations is an ok or a thumbs up.. I'm going to start just not responding. Have I thought about responding? sure but i don't and i wont. I have moved past wanting to have a regular conversation with her believe it or not. The kid conversations right now are centered around picking up and dropping off mostly. I did get into it with her since she decided to text me after dropping my kids off but I truthfully don't get nasty with her (as much as she does anyway) I just stick to my guns and as of late I just say that any custody talk has to be done through lawyers.. she doesn't like that. I sent her a link to a description of divorce counseling after the "conversation" we had. No response. 



hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm not sure what you're not getting here. Everybody is telling you to ignore her, but it seems you do not have it in yourself to do so. Answer her messages all you want, chit-chat all you want. Coming here and giving excuses why you're doing it is fine, but I'm not sure how that can help your situation much.


The only "chit chat" is about kids, I ignore the other stuff. Its just annoying that she tries. Most of the kid conversations are usually quick, the longest one being recently after the school district released the back to school plan. We did not get into anything else just spike about the school and both agreed the plan is F*****. With that plan the custody schedule she wants would never work and she knows that. I have reached out to my lawyer about the agreement, her car and all that stuff. 



Tdbo said:


> I certainly hope the one she joined is not the one that I am a member of (wife and I are looking at new Pilots.)
> Do you know why she keeps going off on you and setting you off?
> *Because she can.*
> If you need to see this visually, watch a cartoon featuring the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote.
> She is the Road Runner and you are Wile E.
> Why does Wile E. always end up on the short end of the stick?
> Because he always does things the same way he always does and expects different results. Road Runner knows this and capitalizes on it.
> Many here have told you to stop catering to her and let your attorney do his/her job.
> All communication to her needs to be through text or electronic mail.
> You need to develop an economy in your language with her. Every word and syllable should be designed to have maximum meaning. You should use very few of them. As a mental aid, pretend every word you type to her costs you $5.00.
> You need to yank the rug out from under her. If she sends you a message *that is not urgent to the health and welfare of your kids,* you simply answer it *at your leisure (or not at all.)*
> You are divorcing. She is no longer your monkey. You no longer belong to the same Circus.


When I come on to vent its more about just getting t off my chest, i know what all of you are saying and I've worked towards being better at it. I am at a point where I don't really want to have a conversation with her which is why I dont respond to her random conversations. I do when its about the kids and when I see she has messaged me (we use facebook messenger) I typcally wait at least 5 minutes before opening it sometimes longer. She sent me some pics last night of our daughter, I thanked her and called her out for my daughter being close with someone without a mask.. They drove 2 hours to meet a famous tiktok person that my daughter likes... She very nicely said that only took it off for pics but otherwise was on. I expected her to get nasty about it.. I said ok and that was it.. No random conversations tonight not involving kids!

On a side note the screenshot she sent me was from a Honda pilot owners group on facebook. Not sure if thats the one you joined or not. Little off topic but if you haven't yet join Piloteers.org its a very good forum about Honda Pilots. Ive been a member since I picked up my 2012. In terms of new pilots mine was a 2018 and while I do like it there are some things to look out for, I'm not sure if they have fixed it yet but one of the biggest complaints of the newer gen pilot is the ride/suspension. Its a very rough suv to drive and there are 2 things that most owners do if it bothers them, rip out the interior and sound deaden the inside(I would use soundskins and Australian company) or replace the struts/shocks. Bilstien now make some for the pilot and it seems to be a popular thing to do. Some people have even gotten Honda to replace them under warranty with enough complaining. 

The next big thing (and more serious really) is the fuel injection problems that they have. They fail early and from what I have seen usually around 40-45k which does NOT get covered under warranty as Honda states its only covered under the 3/36k warranty. Now I will say Idk if things have been remedied on the newer models as I have not been on the forum in awhile but i would defiantly look into it. Its seems to be a $1400 -$2000 job. 
If you don't need the larger 3rd row I would also consider the highlander... I'm a Toyota fan and would have bought that in a heartbeat over the Pilot just because of how much better the ride felt alone but we wanted the extra room in the back.


----------



## Tdbo

> On a side note the screenshot she sent me was from a Honda pilot owners group on facebook. Not sure if thats the one you joined or not. Little off topic but if you haven't yet join Piloteers.org its a very good forum about Honda Pilots. Ive been a member since I picked up my 2012. In terms of new pilots mine was a 2018 and while I do like it there are some things to look out for, I'm not sure if they have fixed it yet but one of the biggest complaints of the newer gen pilot is the ride/suspension. Its a very rough suv to drive and there are 2 things that most owners do if it bothers them, rip out the interior and sound deaden the inside(I would use soundskins and Australian company) or replace the struts/shocks. Bilstien now make some for the pilot and it seems to be a popular thing to do. Some people have even gotten Honda to replace them under warranty with enough complaining.
> 
> The next big thing (and more serious really) is the fuel injection problems that they have. They fail early and from what I have seen usually around 40-45k which does NOT get covered under warranty as Honda states its only covered under the 3/36k warranty. Now I will say Idk if things have been remedied on the newer models as I have not been on the forum in awhile but i would defiantly look into it. Its seems to be a $1400 -$2000 job.
> If you don't need the larger 3rd row I would also consider the highlander... I'm a Toyota fan and would have bought that in a heartbeat over the Pilot just because of how much better the ride felt alone but we wanted the extra room in the back.


Didn't want to pile on, but the justice you have coming will result from you being the person that doesn't need her drama any more. Yes, you are divorcing, but she still wants to keep you in storage as an insurance policy for if things go sideways for her. 
On the other note, thanks for the heads up on the Pilot. Yes, same forum.
I have owned lots of Hondas over the years and they have all been loud. Own a '12 Accord and a '06 Odyssey, and we are looking to replace the latter.
Sounds like we should probably test drive one, we haven't yet. We have looked at the Highlander. They are about 5K apart similarly equipped, and Toyota dealers around here are horrible to deal with. That is why I have generally gone Honda.
Thanks for the heads up on the FI. Will follow up on that on the forum.


----------



## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> What the actual f*** is wrong with her. I was very tempted to ask her why she felt the need to share this with me but I didn't.. Should I? So I can tell her to stop bothering me about random things like license late frames and her work start times.


So, you need to talk with her about school, the kids, your finances, the divorce. This extraneous crap -- just ignore it.
Ignore anything to do with the Pilot now -- you've done the transfer and it's hers, yes? IGNORE that stuff now.
For her work, ingore that unless it directly affects something to do with the kids or custody.

EDIT: Sorry, just got all caught up -- you are already doing this -- keep up the good work!


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## 3Xnocharm

iaschneider5 said:


> Thats what I'm going to do. I'm just planning out how to say it in a way that wont set her off. I would prefer to avoid making her snap..
> She did it again yesterday. I guess she belongs to a Honda Pilot owners group now since she has taken mine, she sent me a screenshot of a stupid post from it about a mistake someone made with theirs and said "gotta laugh at some people" I just gave her a thumbs up and didn't say anything else. Its just general confusing for her to try have a random conversation with me given whats happening between us and the things she says when she's angry.


Who the F cares if it “sets her off”?? Are you not a big boy? Can you not walk away? Hang up the phone? Ignore or block the text? You’re being a complete flake about this and you’re coming off as spineless. Set the damn boundary and enforce it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm not sure what you're not getting here. Everybody is telling you to ignore her, but it seems you do not have it in yourself to do so. Answer her messages all you want, chit-chat all you want. Coming here and giving excuses why you're doing it is fine, but I'm not sure how that can help your situation much.


Hubby, you didn’t listen to all of us telling YOU to get the hell out of your marriage to the horrible shrew... have you done that yet? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower

3Xnocharm said:


> Who the F cares if it “sets her off”?? Are you not a big boy? Can you not walk away? Hang up the phone? Ignore or block the text? You’re being a complete flake about this and you’re coming off as spineless. Set the damn boundary and enforce it.


You know he is not going to get it now or in the future.

Deep down he really hopes she will "wake up" and want to be with him. He is afflicted with terminal Nice Guy Syndrome.

I think we have been wasting our breath from the beginning...


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## hubbyintrubby

3Xnocharm said:


> Hubby, you didn’t listen to all of us telling YOU to get the hell out of your marriage to the horrible shrew... have you done that yet?


No intent to threadjack, but no, still in limboland.


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## iaschneider5

Tdbo said:


> Didn't want to pile on, but the justice you have coming will result from you being the person that doesn't need her drama any more. Yes, you are divorcing, but she still wants to keep you in storage as an insurance policy for if things go sideways for her.
> On the other note, thanks for the heads up on the Pilot. Yes, same forum.
> I have owned lots of Hondas over the years and they have all been loud. Own a '12 Accord and a '06 Odyssey, and we are looking to replace the latter.
> Sounds like we should probably test drive one, we haven't yet. We have looked at the Highlander. They are about 5K apart similarly equipped, and Toyota dealers around here are horrible to deal with. That is why I have generally gone Honda.
> Thanks for the heads up on the FI. Will follow up on that on the forum.


Don't worry about piling on its just words in the end.. I am seeing lately in the past week or so that maybe she is trying to reach out more to try reconnect but she would never actually say anything to me like that. she's too stubborn. Not sure I want that anyway.

Good forum for sure and yes they are very loud, with the newer pilots the dash board will light up and you will have Bigger issues then just loud injectors again not sure if they have fixed it on newer ones but if they don't cover them why bother then they can make money.
Toyota Dealers are always hard to deal with because they dont have too but right now everyone is working deals due to cover. Might be the time to check them out.

They will take you on a nice smooth road make sure you hit some bumps and find a rough road.. If you haven't in the past look into Hondacare.. good investment for a long term car now you and a lot of people are gonna say hey I've had my car a long time and nothing has went wrong, before you think that way sit in a new pilot and look around at all the newest tech that it has and imagine how much it cost to fix it then add in the Injection issues if they are still having them and think if this time around that it may be worth it.. If you dont mind paying cash and do opt for the warranty check online dealers in other states sell then dirt cheap compared to when you sitting in with the best salesman in the building.. the finance manager! Example for me my dealer wanted $2750 for the longest warranty they had, online from saccuci Honda was around $1300 I believe. I didn't get a chance to get it though since the car is gone.. it goes up over time but you can buy it within 3 years or 36k  price goes up a bit but its really not a huge deal to wait.... I have now turned this into the honda pilot forum! ;P




jlg07 said:


> So, you need to talk with her about school, the kids, your finances, the divorce. This extraneous crap -- just ignore it.
> Ignore anything to do with the Pilot now -- you've done the transfer and it's hers, yes? IGNORE that stuff now.
> For her work, ingore that unless it directly affects something to do with the kids or custody.
> 
> EDIT: Sorry, just got all caught up -- you are already doing this -- keep up the good work!


I'm trying! Last night she sent me a pic of our daughter when she fell asleep as she always does, said the other 2 arnt behaving so not in bed yet. I said it happens. Next I will quote the "question" she was asking me... i ignored her which was hard given its for my kids but I did.

"yupp"
"Now I gotta figure out tomorrow which is most likely calling out"
"because he has to have his covid test at the hospital can't be done anywhere else and now my mom isn't willing to take him because they cant behave"

I ignored because I know what she wanted, she wanted me to offer to help. If she had asked straight up maybe I would have but I do have alot to do today before my kids come over but she didn't she left it for me to offer... as Ive stated before when husband and wife its one of those cute little annoying things I dont mind dealing with, when not together It can f***** stop.



3Xnocharm said:


> Who the F cares if it “sets her off”?? Are you not a big boy? Can you not walk away? Hang up the phone? Ignore or block the text? You’re being a complete flake about this and you’re coming off as spineless. Set the damn boundary and enforce it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I really dont but If I dont have to deal with it I wont and yes I will ignore her if need be in this situations. I am trying to remain civil in most situations which is the recommendation of my therapist. when this is all over I want to have a good relationship with her for the benefits of our kids, if she wants to go off and say **** and do whatever she can but I wont.. Also as ive stated I have alot going on with my life already i dont need to be here getting angry at her or getting in fights that aunt needed and stupid. Leave the fighting for the lawyer which is what I'm trying to do.

I would rather focus my energy on the fact that i a am settling my workers comp claim after nearly 7 years.. So the next chapter in my life which its her or not is a scary thing after all this time and given covid and whatever else makes it fun. potential homelessness which is a fun thing to think about, i still have a neck injury here and due to the fact the gym i go to for their neck proem is closed my pain level has increased and I dont help it by doing work on my truck since I cannot afford to pay someone to do it and it has to be done. i do make sure to not push it and take los of breaks but it still sucks.

I have been ignoring her attests to talk and her "question" as I stated above..


BluesPower said:


> You know he is not going to get it now or in the future.
> 
> Deep down he really hopes she will "wake up" and want to be with him. He is afflicted with terminal Nice Guy Syndrome.
> 
> I think we have been wasting our breath from the beginning...


I do get it, If I choose to go about it in my way that's my business, yes have i engaged more then I should have sure no one is perfect but I have been pretty good lately about not doing so. its a work in progress.

I do not hope that she "wakes up" and wants to be with me. I am past that point have been for awhile. Now do I sit here sometimes and go our lives would be better for us and our children if we were together...sure most likely it would be if we could get our **** sorted out and start working together and communicating more but i'm not pushing for it, fighting for it and honestly if she texted me right now and asked me if we could work this out my initial response would be a simple no.
I might change the answer after she would agree to do therapy and continue it even years after getting back together but at this point I have more important things to worry about like getting my own life in order. If I didn't have kids I would be out of this expensive ass state (NY) and be down south and never think about her again but im stuck because I am not leaving my kids. I will never do that.

Now if anyone has some insight on how to handle this upcoming school year (which has become a great stressor for both of us) please offer any assistance or ideas you can.
Our kids school has decided their plan is 2 HALF days a week in person 2 half days distance and 1 full distance.. Given my exes schedule it means I will have to do most if not all of it... how the f*** am I supposed to do that and figure out some type of meaningful job. On the bright side it totally f**** her proposed custody schedule because there is no way she can have them 3 days every school week with her work schedule.

Another fun thing which I have asked her about a few weeks ago is her moms school. She works at a private Christian school and last year i had 3 different schools to go to picking up kids, luckily the 2 boys could be bused to her moms school and I picked them up after getting my daughter. I had asked my ex if her moms school was going be around since most have been closing, as of right now they only have 94 enrolled I think she said vs the 300 last year. I guess her mom is wondering leaving because they are either gonna close or scale down and she will lose her job anyway.
So at 12 I have to be at 2 schools next year to pick up 3 kids. It takes me about 15 to 20 to get to the other school... I'm not sure if they will have after school care or not... Any suggestions or ideas?

dont mind my ranting but this school year is stressful for alot of parents and mix me having to also get back to work in some capacity so i can afford even my basic bills is...


----------



## iaschneider5

I emailed my lawyer about a few things, one of which was did she receive the "agreement" from my exes lawyer and she said not yet... On july 29th during our tiff over custody my ex stated her lawyer sent it over already... I wonder if he's just playing games. 

Another question was about my exes car since she refuses to bring it back to the dealer that made the offer because she's "embarrassed" and when I suggested others she said she doesn't have time (her way of asking me to do it of course) I said I would sign the title so she could sell it for half the tax return she refused. 

Anyway I asked her what the status of the car was today and she said for now its gonna sit on her parents lawn and when I asked why she said and I quote "Bc I can" The only point of all this I can think of is money of course. smh


----------



## Chuck71

When she spews diarrhea from the mouth.....

Response 1-I'm sorry you feel that way

Response 2-I see things otherwise

Response 3-Done yet?

That was Conrad's teaching. I did add a 4th..... Remind me to give a F***

It works....


----------



## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> When she spews diarrhea from the mouth.....
> 
> Response 1-I'm sorry you feel that way
> 
> Response 2-I see things otherwise
> 
> Response 3-Done yet?
> 
> That was Conrad's teaching. I did add a 4th..... Remind me to give a F***
> 
> It works....



I will have to give that a try..and I did misinterpret what she said, she's putting the car on the lawn to sell. They live on a main road so good road frontage. I was already ticked off at other things from my day and it didn't click with me when she said it, and I think the "bc I can" was a tad rude but whatever. Its a waste of time anyway imo. Given Covid and how a lot of dealers are making good deals I don't see her selling it for much more then what she's gonna get from the dealer and it takes longer to sell cars at that price privately. Guess we shall see how it goes.


----------



## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> Don't worry about piling on its just words in the end.. I am seeing lately in the past week or so that maybe she is trying to reach out more to try reconnect but she would never actually say anything to me like that. she's too stubborn. Not sure I want that anyway.
> 
> Good forum for sure and yes they are very loud, with the newer pilots the dash board will light up and you will have Bigger issues then just loud injectors again not sure if they have fixed it on newer ones but if they don't cover them why bother then they can make money.
> Toyota Dealers are always hard to deal with because they dont have too but right now everyone is working deals due to cover. Might be the time to check them out.
> 
> They will take you on a nice smooth road make sure you hit some bumps and find a rough road.. If you haven't in the past look into Hondacare.. good investment for a long term car now you and a lot of people are gonna say hey I've had my car a long time and nothing has went wrong, before you think that way sit in a new pilot and look around at all the newest tech that it has and imagine how much it cost to fix it then add in the Injection issues if they are still having them and think if this time around that it may be worth it.. If you dont mind paying cash and do opt for the warranty check online dealers in other states sell then dirt cheap compared to when you sitting in with the best salesman in the building.. the finance manager! Example for me my dealer wanted $2750 for the longest warranty they had, online from saccuci Honda was around $1300 I believe. I didn't get a chance to get it though since the car is gone.. it goes up over time but you can buy it within 3 years or 36k price goes up a bit but its really not a huge deal to wait.... I have now turned this into the honda pilot forum! ;P


Just thought I would tell you since we got to discussing it.
Bought a new '20 Pilot yesterday.
Details posted on Piloteers.


----------



## Chuck71

You are divorcing her...............you should not give two bird craps about her. It's you and the kids.

Too much interaction.... it shows "your hand."

I know my posts are old and with this new platform, not sure if I can direct you to it but......

When I went through my D in late '12 and early '13, there was a point to where I was getting to be done with her.

Her emails were not important to me anymore. I had a 3 day wait before opening them. When I went silent,

she unraveled. And showed her hand. I was done..... She would still try to contact me today had I not 

blocked her two years ago. It's hard at first but.... usually the harder the road....the better it is


----------



## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> You are divorcing her...............you should not give two bird craps about her. It's you and the kids.
> 
> Too much interaction.... it shows "your hand."
> 
> I know my posts are old and with this new platform, not sure if I can direct you to it but......
> 
> When I went through my D in late '12 and early '13, there was a point to where I was getting to be done with her.
> 
> Her emails were not important to me anymore. I had a 3 day wait before opening them. When I went silent,
> 
> she unraveled. And showed her hand. I was done..... She would still try to contact me today had I not
> 
> blocked her two years ago. It's hard at first but.... usually the harder the road....the better it is



I'm working on making sure I only to talk about things that need to be talked about. Its def tough with 3 kids and with the messed up school year coming I'm sure its gonna be fun. I can tell she's annoyed I have ignored her random conversations.. oh well. 

Yes Its tough either way but im working towards minimizing as much as I can.


----------



## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> I'm working on making sure I only to talk about things that need to be talked about. Its def tough with 3 kids and with the messed up school year coming I'm sure its gonna be fun. I can tell she's annoyed I have ignored her random conversations.. oh well.
> 
> Yes Its tough either way but im working towards minimizing as much as I can.


SO, when she complains about why are you ignoring her random convo's just give her a "I'm sorry you feel this way" and leave it at that.


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> SO, when she complains about why are you ignoring her random convo's just give her a "I'm sorry you feel this way" and leave it at that.


No complaints yet but I will either say something like that or just give her a thumbs up, that would piss her off more I'm sure..


----------



## iaschneider5

EDIT: Its 12:50am I can't sleep and my mind is turning and turning about a lot of things and in the next few weeks one of the most stressful schools begins for probably everyone.. Just needed a place to get it out of my head, feel free to read and provide any constructive ideas that may assist.

EDIT #2: I did email my lawyer and waiting to hear back so I can get her advice and take on all this and to see if she finally got the "agreement" I'm just supposed to sign... I'll try sleep now. Goodnight 


Another fight because I wanted to talk about the school again. They have changed their plan because he PTA gods complained so now there is 2 more plans that might be whats gonna happen. Dived into talking about the divorces we both ended that quickly, but apparently she only hired her lawyer to type up the agreement and I just need to sign it and stop using the kids as something to fight over and she will not go court over this...

Then she said something that I had no choice but to respond with a smart*** comment .. Don't talk to me unless its about the kids ( "I could say the same to you")... 2 days later she texts me asking for the info on how to look up judgements because she doesn't remember where to do so... (county clerks website) Ignored her but really again after telling me not to do that smh

So many details in there and its was all about the kids I as trying to talk about but she doesn't wanna talk about it until the school says whats happening for sure.. she brought up the lawyers and paperwork. Anyway.

So school is most likely gonna do 2 days a week full time 830-2 and then 3 days distance. What days depends on the group they are in. I believe they are doing one extra day a week in school every 3 weeks I think it said. So lets say i get a full time job as soon as school starts since I will be done with comp in the next 2 or so weeks that means the kids will need before and after school care which according to the PTA facebook group is in school at $50 a kid X3 ($150) and then when they don't have school I found a daycare that will take them and she will give me discount at $100 a day for all 3 for 8 hours. So for the sake of argument lets say $100 a day 5 days a week on the low side by some miracle.

Thats $500 a week and at State minimum wage Ill make $472 a week at 40 hours before taxes because I highly doubt that after 7 years on comp I'm gonna find something meaningful that pays even near what my ex makes right out the gate.

Sooo $1000 from me a month and a $1000 from her and that's minimum not to mention the teachers unions want schools closed for 2 weeks if one case pops up and most of the districts around us have decided to postpone in school learning and not open yet.. Am I supposed to get a job then lose it if/when schools close? Will she make that sacrifice?

A friend told me last year she got unemployment because she had to stay home with her kids... I dont wanna sound selfish or maybe this isn't right but wouldn't it be cheaper and better for my ex overall to agree to an amount with me and I try get the unemployment or just try do food deliveries or something at night and ill do everything that needs to be done? I mean she would never wanna agree to it since she's super mom and I'm a POS but doesn't that make sense? Put my life on hold a tad longer for the benefit of being there for my kids and maybe making it over all cheaper and easier for everyone? Am I thinking this the wrong way? She even said in our tiff she's gonna have thousands to pay in daycare depending on the schedules.

Lets not forget after taxes and deductions she makes around $2500 a month, Maybe closer to $2700 now idk but anyway take away $1000 thats $1700- rent $1475 - car $519 = -294.. Thats a negative number, is she gonna blame that on me too? She gonna try expect me to pay more for towards everything out my $2k a month pre tax income? unless I strike gold and get into a good job making something decent like her.

Thats was the cheapest daycare too one wanted $1300 a month just for my daughter.


----------



## iaschneider5

Spoke to my lawyer today, she emailed my exes lawyer as we spoke and is giving him until the end of next week to send over her agreement and start to figure this out or she's file for the RJI.

She said she spoke to him the other day after I emailed her and when she mentioned the last name he didn't even remember my exes name! Maybe he has alot of people with the same last name idk. She did tell me that his law partner left the firm so he's been overworked since then but comon man! 

Guess this may moving soon, Hopefully.


----------



## Beach123

Well make sure your disability settlement is your separate property so she can’t take half!

don’t even speak to her at all! Don’t stress about the kids school until the day before they start - things could easily change 100 times before their school starts.

if you aren’t working right now it’s the perfect time to state right up front you have no money. Petition for her to be responsible for all the kids expenses. She will be mad but legally it gives you breathing room. 

she is crying poor because she wants you to feel responsible to fix all the problems she created. Don’t communicate with her - at all! She can contact your attorney.

She’s been cheating - I don’t know why you don’t see that. Tell her to get money from her boyfriend when she needs funds.

seriously, stop being nice to her - she ruined your life’s d the kids life on purpose - because she is selfish!

it’s time for you to completely stop being so god damn nice. This is war!


----------



## BluesPower

iaschneider5 said:


> Spoke to my lawyer today, she emailed my exes lawyer as we spoke and is giving him until the end of next week to send over her agreement and start to figure this out or she's file for the RJI.
> 
> She said she spoke to him the other day after I emailed her and when she mentioned the last name he didn't even remember my exes name! Maybe he has alot of people with the same last name idk. She did tell me that his law partner left the firm so he's been overworked since then but comon man!
> 
> Guess this may moving soon, Hopefully.


I think you are going to find out that your lawyer is not as good as you think. 

She seems to be stringing this along just like your wife, is. The reason, she wants to bleed you dry. 

It is looking like you may be the poorest judge of human character in the whole world. Your wife, your lawyer, and others I think. 

Your Lawyer should have done that a month ago, and yet all she does is make excuses for your WIFE's Lawyer... 

Do you ever see this stuff when it is happening, ever???


----------



## Dadto2

BluesPower said:


> I think you are going to find out that your lawyer is not as good as you think.
> 
> She seems to be stringing this along just like your wife, is. The reason, she wants to bleed you dry.


Bingo! Lawyers are a necessary evil in a divorce. But they are never, ever your friend, nor do they have your best interests at heart. They have one goal..make money. 

But they work for you and when going through a divorce, they need to be told what to do and how quickly to do it at all times.


----------



## iaschneider5

Beach123 said:


> Well make sure your disability settlement is your separate property so she can’t take half!
> 
> don’t even speak to her at all! Don’t stress about the kids school until the day before they start - things could easily change 100 times before their school starts.
> 
> if you aren’t working right now it’s the perfect time to state right up front you have no money. Petition for her to be responsible for all the kids expenses. She will be mad but legally it gives you breathing room.
> 
> she is crying poor because she wants you to feel responsible to fix all the problems she created. Don’t communicate with her - at all! She can contact your attorney.
> 
> She’s been cheating - I don’t know why you don’t see that. Tell her to get money from her boyfriend when she needs funds.
> 
> seriously, stop being nice to her - she ruined your life’s d the kids life on purpose - because she is selfish!
> 
> it’s time for you to completely stop being so god damn nice. This is war!


Ehh I'm not being nice to her really, I ignore anything that's not kid related for the most part. Yeah should try make sure its completely done with all the extra crap I know. 

The settlement is all mine because I was injured prior to us getting married, I do wish i didn't have to settle right now but I really have no choice and the other option isn't much better. 

In terms of money she has stopped asking me for anything or complaining much about it unless she's mad. The other day she sent me my daughters school list which we both agreed is ridiculous considering they wont be in school much but I was at walmart picking up food when she sent it and I saw one thing there that was on the list I asked her about it. In the end she just asked me to get 2 folders since she got most of it already. 

In terms of it being a war yes it is but it doesn't mean it has to be nasty or treated like I need to win. After doing lots of research and seeing a therapist the only thing I see what will happen if I treat it like I need to win and f*** her over is the lawyers get rich and nothing good happens. Even my mom and dad said the same thing in their divorce, They both got sharks and fought tooth and nail. In the end there was nothing left to split after selling the 7,000sqft house we lived in my dad got to keep his business and his truck and my mom and I got a 800sqft apartment. My dad never paid child support and it ended up backing up to over 100k. 

Just looked up my parents divorce started 12/2000 ended 02/06 id rather have a quicker and cheaper one. 




BluesPower said:


> I think you are going to find out that your lawyer is not as good as you think.
> 
> She seems to be stringing this along just like your wife, is. The reason, she wants to bleed you dry.
> 
> It is looking like you may be the poorest judge of human character in the whole world. Your wife, your lawyer, and others I think.
> 
> Your Lawyer should have done that a month ago, and yet all she does is make excuses for your WIFE's Lawyer...
> 
> Do you ever see this stuff when it is happening, ever???



Yes I made a mistake staying with my gf/wife in the beginning and def should have suggest counseling at some point. I wasn't perfect either.. Love smh live and learn. 

In terms of my lawyer she wasn't making excuses for him just telling me about it, se was laughing that he couldn't remember my wifes name and said maybe he has more then one case with our last name but still. 

whenever we speak about moving this forward she gives me the 2 options which is reach out to her lawyer and try get him moving or just file the RJI and get moving which of course will cost a lot more, She said she believes we can get this done without going to court because my wife really doesn't have a leg to stand on in terms of her "demands" and that her lawyer can be very easy to work with and stay out of court because she knows im broke, and says that to me. She says either of us have the money to push it and that my wife will be informed of this by hers because going to court would be stupid basically and worse for her. 

She has told me about the RJI many times but I have opted to try get this done out of court. She said right now there is one of 2 things going on. 1 my wife is the one playing games and trying to drag this out or given the fact that her lawyer has lost his partner and covid (which as also slowed things down and also created a bunch of new divorces in the process!) that he is not relaying the messages and not doing the paperwork he's supposed to in which case now hes gonna have to explain to my wife why he has ****ed up and not done what he's supposed to do. 

I think I said it before my ex said her agreement was sent over to my lawyer in july... Mine never got it. My lawyer believes he is behind and now she said she's just gonna give him the week then it gets moving court. 

My lawyer only took $1000 from me so far and said as long as we stay out of court thats all it should take. I have about $650 left and has been very generous on the billings based on my record of phone calls and emails with her and the bills she has sent. 

Even she said it would be cheaper for my wife and better for everyone if I just stayed home to be there for the kids vs sending them to daycare and school because I would take enough to pay for half of it and my ex would still have a child support obligation even though she doesn't think she will have to pay. Especially if school closes again. 

I interviewed about 9 lawyers I believe it was before I made my choice (my exes lawyer included) and most of them threw BS at me and wanted 5k up front and a few of them suggested just pay them 2-3k to type up an agreement. 
My exes lawyer wanted 3k to type up the agreement and said if she didn't agree to it I would have to pay more... Guess who fell for that trap! 

Interesting note when I had reached out to a mediator before the lawyers were involved and she was on vacation. She called me back after the lawyers were involved and we spoke at great lengths about the situation and she said the same thing my wife doesn't really have anything to fight and its not really go in her favor. She then asked me who the lawyers were both of whom have been practicing for 27 years. she had no idea who my wifes lawyer was but when I said mine she said i am in very good hands and that she is an excellent attorney.


----------



## iaschneider5

Dadto2 said:


> Bingo! Lawyers are a necessary evil in a divorce. But they are never, ever your friend, nor do they have your best interests at heart. They have one goal..make money.
> 
> But they work for you and when going through a divorce, they need to be told what to do and how quickly to do it at all times.


Yes I know they are! just like car salesman its all about money in the end. As I said in my other response mine has been good so far and the choice to not submit the RJI has mine and Ive been listening to what mine has been saying. Now she says give him a week and file if no response so thats what I'm gonna do. 

She said what would be nice is for us all together either at his office since he has a larger conference room ( he does since he has a giant house all to himself as an office) or I'm at my lawyers and my wife is at hers and we are talking over the phone. Just hash it out and get it over with but if there is any resistance from my ex or he doesn't send her something over but he end of the week to court it goes.


----------



## Beach123

File the RJI if that gets the divorce done. She is never gonna have her lawyer do what’s necessary.


----------



## iaschneider5

Beach123 said:


> File the RJI if that gets the divorce done. She is never gonna have her lawyer do what’s necessary.


Thats the plan by the end of the week. My lawyer already laid out that it will be $95 to file it and shes going to try get my kids a lawyer free of charge since either myself or my wife can really afford to pay for it. It will still take time, she said there is a backlog of cases that had been put on hold but at least it will get moving.


----------



## Chuck71

"Wiggle easy.....until your head is out of the lion's mouth"


----------



## iaschneider5

I take it my ex is the lion.. I think its the lawyers until its over since they make all the money! lol 

Another interesting thing I saw today when I logged into my bank I noticed that my/her car loan she paid 2 months in advance... Interesting. Guess she's putting that tax return good use :/ find it funny for someone who was saying she can't afford to live smh


----------



## iaschneider5

So my lawyer spoke to my exes lawyer last week and he said he was meeting with her this tuesday.. Which has now passed and he would reach out by the end of the week. My lawyer was doubtful but gave him the chance. Today she said she has got nothing from him and she suggests filing the RJI.

It was filed today and a judge has already been assigned. Whats interesting is its a family court judge not a supreme court judge and she also has a bad reputation. Even has a facebook page dedicated to impeach her. Well at least it's moving.


----------



## Beach123

Let your lawyer get it finalized! It will be good to get it behind you.

limit any communication with your ex. It’s pointless to communicate with her.


----------



## iaschneider5

Beach123 said:


> Let your lawyer get it finalized! It will be good to get it behind you.
> 
> limit any communication with your ex. It’s pointless to communicate with her.



Yeah looking forward to it. The communication I have kept limited besides kids which given 3 and this school year is been tough. I won't get into it but its gonna be fun and shes being wonderful. 

I can only imagine how's she gonna be once she finds out its going to court. Gonna be interesting.


----------



## Beach123

IF it goes to court - it’s ONLY her fault that it had to go that way! And be clear with her in that point!

Tell her “YOU didn’t do what needed to be done - so this was the only way out of the marriage!”


----------



## iaschneider5

You are correct Its on her. Either she didn't push her lawyer or was the one delaying it on purpose. Maybe trying to bankrupt me first, Which has happened but I'm ready to fight. 

She had the nerve to say the other night while we were discussing the back to school plans that she was broke because she had to buy school supplies. I almost responded with " Maybe you shouldn't have went to the Bronx zoo twice and a overnight trip to the jersey shore plus every time I see the kids they show me all the new toys they got. 

I will say their grandma who's also broke and has a spending problem im sure bought some of it but I know it wasn't all on her. 

Since the RJI was filed and a judge has been assigned can we still keep it out of court at this point? My lawyer said that we just wait for a court date now.


----------



## iaschneider5

So I'm gonna be moving and at this point it looks like the only options im gonna have is to move farther away then I would like. I mean I do prefer it a bit farther way but given the kids and all that its really gonna complicate things. Most likely 45 to an hour away. 

Now when I move I will have 3 bedrooms and more space for the kids then my ex. She currently has 1 bedroom and has all the kids sharing a loft which is technically illegal. Idk if the courts will care or not but when I move it will create an issue in terms of school and and all that. 

Any advice?


----------



## Casual Observer

iaschneider5 said:


> So I'm gonna be moving and at this point it looks like the only options im gonna have is to move farther away then I would like. I mean I do prefer it a bit farther way but given the kids and all that its really gonna complicate things. Most likely 45 to an hour away.
> 
> Now when I move I will have 3 bedrooms and more space for the kids then my ex. She currently has 1 bedroom and has all the kids sharing a loft which is technically illegal. Idk if the courts will care or not but when I move it will create an issue in terms of school and and all that.
> 
> Any advice?


Talk to your lawyer before making the move. The needs of the kids will be paramount for the court, and unless you can convince the court that the kids are better off uprooted from their current neighborhood and you having sole custody during the school week, you might get screwed. There is no practical way for the kids to do that sort of commute to and from school a few times/week. In the Covid-19 era, with everything on-line, sure, but that will someday end.

What you're proposing is a nuclear option. You do understand this, right?


----------



## iaschneider5

Casual Observer said:


> Talk to your lawyer before making the move. The needs of the kids will be paramount for the court, and unless you can convince the court that the kids are better off uprooted from their current neighborhood and you having sole custody during the school week, you might get screwed. There is no practical way for the kids to do that sort of commute to and from school a few times/week. In the Covid-19 era, with everything on-line, sure, but that will someday end.
> 
> What you're proposing is a nuclear option. You do understand this, right?


No I get it. This is why im so conflicted on what to do.Im gonna have to move at some point andI could explain the whole housing situation if anyone wanted to hear it but bottom line is I may have to move further away then I would like to given 3 young kids and school and all that. I'm not trying to get into that whole fight with my ex but im not sure what to do.

I will discuss it with my lawyer too just to have her take. Ill do a 30 min commute for the kids but anymore then that I think is too much. Right now the schools are only 2 half days a week which are technically "my days" Thursday and friday. The rest is remote.

I live in Dutchess County NY and the home prices have skyrocketed. Homes are selling within hours of being listed above asking sight unseen I s*** you not and rents are nuts. They just built some Brownstone looking things around the corner from me and they are starting at 1595 for a 1 bedroom all the way up to 2650 for 3.


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## iaschneider5

So she sold her car and got 2k less then the dealer offered! dumb***! All because they wanted me to sign the title and I wanted her to give me half the tax return first. So that means she put out 9k to the bank just to sell the car. So she spent 9k of the 14k tax return. This court date can't come fast enough. 

We got into when i asked her about it and the conversation was a tad hostile. O did manage to turn it around and it ended on a good note so that's something but I am pissed what she sold that car for. Whoever bought it got a good deal. 

And she again wont let me son come over on a day he's supposed to be here because of his leg. He can walk with a walker and moves around so I don't see the issue.


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## DownByTheRiver

You started your original post by saying that because you got hurt, you hadn't been talking to anyone, so that tells me you have some problems that need to be addressed. You are also dealing with a head injury which can affect normal thinking. One of my best friend's husband had a couple of head injuries and degenerated over time, so you be sure you understand what part of the brain and how it may affect you. 

I'm hoping you have already seen a neurologist for your head injury. You need to also get to a psychologist or maybe psychiatrist. Whoever it is needs to understand what your head injury amounts to. You need to get you as straightened out as possible. I can see why your wife would have some issues dealing with you. I'm not minimizing whatever she is doing, but you can't fix her. You can at least be sure you have you running as well as possible to give you more ability to handle that situation.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> You started your original post by saying that because you got hurt, you hadn't been talking to anyone, so that tells me you have some problems that need to be addressed. You are also dealing with a head injury which can affect normal thinking. One of my best friend's husband had a couple of head injuries and degenerated over time, so you be sure you understand what part of the brain and how it may affect you.
> 
> I'm hoping you have already seen a neurologist for your head injury. You need to also get to a psychologist or maybe psychiatrist. Whoever it is needs to understand what your head injury amounts to. You need to get you as straightened out as possible. I can see why your wife would have some issues dealing with you. I'm not minimizing whatever she is doing, but you can't fix her. You can at least be sure you have you running as well as possible to give you more ability to handle that situation.



7 years ago I hit my head at work and got a concussion and 3 herniated discs. I pushed my friends away because when I was in so much pain that it was giving me major headaches and causing pain that would radiate down into my arms and all at the base of my neck I just didn't wanna do anything. I slowly and slowly just stopped going out whenever they invited me as the pain got worse. 

During the period of pushing people away I went and helped my ex with her car. I have known her for a few years prior as I stated and she needed help getting an ignition coil off to change it. Very easy thing to do but the screw was stuck. From there we just tarted talking more and well you know the rest. 

In terms of my head injury I get headaches which are also caused by the neck injury according to the dr, in the first couple years i would have some bad short term memory issues, Mix my speech up which could be amusing at times but annoying ( I would out the last word of a stance first and the first last just and it would just flow out. Light sensitivity was bad. I have seen many drs over the years and many neurologists. All part of a concussion and I was told it would clear up. While it hasn't gone as quickly as they said it has gotten better. I still get headaches but that could be because of the neck too. Every now and again ill mix a word up oh and another fun one I would put 2 words together that meant the same thing. That stuff is very few and far between. 
The memory is ehh everything prior to hitting my head is like it happened yesterday down to the color of my power wheels when I was 5 but everything since then while better sometimes I just have to think a bit harder on it. 
For some reason I do have the images burned into my head of what my wife and the guy she cheated on me with said between the 2 of them. 

My major issue now is my neck the head stuff is not really a major concern as it once was. I have since made new friends and oddly enough most of them say they like talking to me and say i give good advice. Even funnier I have been acting as a relationship counselor to a friend of mine and her bf and according to them I've really helped since I call the both out on their bs and just call it like it is (they should totally break up FYI) He's making a lot of the mistakes that young guys make I know because I did alot of the same with my ex as well and she's doing the same my ex did, doesn't wanna talk and hides things which he then finds out about gets mad... Biggest difference when he gets mad he screams and curses at her all I did was collect myself and sit down and talk to her about when I found out she cheated never even raised my voice. and thats what I did each time something came up.

As awkward as it was yes her ex was one of my oldest friends and when they were together he cheated, he lied, and he never wanted to talk about things with her I know this because she told me. She did the same to me. 

I appreciate your concern but in terms of my head its pretty good its just my damn neck and honestly the biggest thing is the workers comp dragging me down and of course 3 kids, divorce, housing issues etc. 

Ironic timing, I was hurt 09/05/2013 and I'm settling the comp case on 09/15/2020 and my wife left me on 09/15/2019... maybe its a year exactly for a fresh start? 

Full disclosure just so anyone think im on here trying to say im perfect because im not and I was young and new to marriage myself and also just not perfect in general. So I told you my ex cheated on me with a coworker when we were just dating and I stayed. I should have never but no point thinking about it now... Anyway prior to finding out about the cheating i though her and this guy at work were becoming close and it was bothering me ( Im a guy I know what they want and what they are trying to do) so anyway when I saw about the time she f***** someone it was a different guy and even in the texts he said he could tell she regretted it buttttt when I confronted her about it which is after I went in her phone and saw ut while she was in the shower she put her head down on the pillow and started crying I then asked her if she slept with the other guy also and she said yes. So one time each with 2 different people. It was 2 or 3 months apart idk now. I got up calmly walked in the living room and put a nice size hole in the wall. 

I was done but after talking and being stupid I stayed. We all have regrets but I have 3 wonderful children and life moves on. 

Def not trying to fix her just trying to get through this as civil as possible and get through all the other **** that I have to get through alone now. I do see someone and I go tomorrow actually.

The other reality is that when you see a dr under comp 8/10 times yogurt treated like someone who is faking and just trying to scam the system. Takes lots of communication to get them to believe and understand. Some just dont care either way. 7 years later Im confidant Ive done everything i could do and its time for me to move on. Half because I want to and the other half because I have no choice. 

I was diagnosed with Adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety by a Psychotherapist after 4 or 5 days of testing. That was the worst of the diagnosis in terms of my head having any lasting damage. MRIs, CT scans, X-rays, Discograms, Epidruals, Medial branch blocks, EEGs. I'm sure there is more I cant remember but I think you get the point. Lots of testing for it all head and neck.


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## DownByTheRiver

Good, I'm glad you've stayed on top of all that. Depending where your brain is damaged, it can cause big behavioral and personality changes. Hope yours continues to mend. 

I'm glad you have made new friends. 

Look, just because you let her go doesn't mean you are letting the kids go. Actually, you'll end up with joint custody and have them 3 and a half days a week in all likelihood. And eventually, you can stop letting what your wife does or doesn't do be the focus and be determining your mood every day. It can be a weight lifted. Problem is if you stay and just keep being the one putting up with things, this is the role model you are providing to your children, and most people will take full advantage of that. And then if she goes reeling off even further, the role model she is providing -- well, that is who your daughters may become and who the sons will look for. It's better to keep two healthy households than one sick one is all I'm saying, for the kids. I know you can bear it. I don't think she wants to anymore. And I don't think the kids need to live under that kind of tension. 

She is going to see other men, whether you're married or not, and all you can control about that is whatever a court might have to say about bringing new people around the kids. They're not going to stop her from dating. But that's why you do joint custody, so that she can date when she doesn't HAVE the kids and you can date when she has the kids. 

Hope you find something to help with those headaches or the thing improves because just being out of the house working instead of being at home most of the time tends to improve things overall. Just having a bigger world and not being focused on one or two things.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good, I'm glad you've stayed on top of all that. Depending where your brain is damaged, it can cause big behavioral and personality changes. Hope yours continues to mend.
> 
> I'm glad you have made new friends.
> 
> Look, just because you let her go doesn't mean you are letting the kids go. Actually, you'll end up with joint custody and have them 3 and a half days a week in all likelihood. And eventually, you can stop letting what your wife does or doesn't do be the focus and be determining your mood every day. It can be a weight lifted. Problem is if you stay and just keep being the one putting up with things, this is the role model you are providing to your children, and most people will take full advantage of that. And then if she goes reeling off even further, the role model she is providing -- well, that is who your daughters may become and who the sons will look for. It's better to keep two healthy households than one sick one is all I'm saying, for the kids. I know you can bear it. I don't think she wants to anymore. And I don't think the kids need to live under that kind of tension.
> 
> She is going to see other men, whether you're married or not, and all you can control about that is whatever a court might have to say about bringing new people around the kids. They're not going to stop her from dating. But that's why you do joint custody, so that she can date when she doesn't HAVE the kids and you can date when she has the kids.
> 
> Hope you find something to help with those headaches or the thing improves because just being out of the house working instead of being at home most of the time tends to improve things overall. Just having a bigger world and not being focused on one or two things.



Again I appreciate it. Please keep in mind that when I come on here and vent whatever **** she's doing or that im focused on its real only for the time im getting it out or sitting with the guy I see. My general mood daily is **** most of the time but I'm doing my best to just get through it. I dont care who she dates or ****s or whatever she's doing unless it effects the kids. Sure it crosses my mind and i let it out but thats why I do it. Get it out then its gone and im not worrying about it.

The car thing ticked me off since she spent a bunch of the money that wasn't supposed to be touched but at the end of the day its just money and if its gone its gone. Lawyer says there will an accounting at the end anyway. I just wanna get it done and move on. Get the custody schedule set, like u said 3 and half days is what im after. She's after more of course.

Not concerned with if she wants me or not. I can tell by how she talks to me sometimes that she's having issues and even the conversation the other day she had said some stuff that makes me think she's wishing it could change. She would never say it though and I think she would wait for me to do it. That will not be happening.

Right now my major concerns are getting ready for remote learning that starts Thursday, My upcoming comp court date for the potential end. Not gonna lie after 7 years the end of it all seems scary and of course not having the women I choose to spend my life with adds to the scariness of it all. I think for most it would.

Oh and the big one, So idk what u or anyone has seen but Live in a duplex owned by my grandfather. I was Considering buying it but it just need way to much work and its very tiny. So they asked me and I said no I dont want it, Now they wanna come in and do work to it to get sold. They also want too much for it and I would not be allowed to get a home inspection which I find to be BS. I dont have another place to go yet and im still trying to figure it out. Also while my credit score is still fairly fair at 670 my cards are maxed and the pilot my ex now has are on my credit so mix that with low income there's no chance of a mortgage for any place including this one.

My mom was just gonna get a mortgage but since she asked away from her house 2 years ago after my step dad died and did a deed in lieu no-one will touch her. We were gonna take the cash she has and my settlement and try get something but given the market the way it is here its pricing to be difficulty without using every dollar and even that isn't enough. Right now im looking into low income housing. Any day now I fully expect to be given a notice to leave here... Not that will will until i actually have a place to leave so that will be fun.

Hard to believe 7 years ago I was making decent money for being 24, Talking to my boss about a promotion plus buying and selling cars on the side. Also i was just dipping my toes into potentially buying an income property for myself to start building a real future. F*** man


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## DownByTheRiver

That's a lot to deal with at once. You'll have to have a big enough place that the kids all have room if you're going to share custody. So will she. 

Stay close to wherever she lands so you don't waste hours commuting to exchange the kids. There is a type of arrangement where you can have one house where they kids always stay and then one small apartment and both of you take turns staying in the house when it's kid time and then both of you have an apartment to go to and that's where you'd see people you're dating. But I mean, sharing stuff like that would probably put you too much into each other's business, honestly. You want to be a close drive, but you don't want to be where you have to see her coming and going at all.


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## Openminded

The option of nesting is great for the kids because they stay put and their parents are the ones switching but both parents need to be able to cooperate really well in order for it to work. And it’s more costly, of course, because each parent pays for their own space plus half of the expenses of the “nest”.


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## DownByTheRiver

Unless they can get a two bedroom apartment on the side. Only one of them is there at a time. But I wouldn't like that arrangement personally. there would be women's stuff there if he was trying to date and that would put everybody's antennae up.


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## Openminded

A big problem with nesting is uncooperative co-parents. Imagine sharing space with someone who doesn’t really like you and deliberately makes a mess of everything during their week. And that’s just in the house where the children are. Sharing an apartment would be even worse. Although I know of a few nesting arrangements, I’ve never heard of sharing an apartment too although I suppose anything is possible. Anyway, this is probably a t/j (sorry OP) since he likely has no interest in an arrangement like that. It only works if both parents work hard at it and not many do. New living arrangements when there are minor children can be a very hard part of divorce.


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## iaschneider5

I'm not sure the nesting would work for many reasons. One of which would be high rents. Right now my ex has an apartment in the kids school district which is $1475 a month. Its only a one bedroom and she has all 3 kids sharing a loft. She was living rent free with her parents in a small house but once she filed for divorce she got the apartment. 

My place is smaller then hers but I have 2 bedrooms but its just out of the school district and I gotta move anyway. I'm gonna try stay within 45 min of here but its getting tougher and tougher. The home prices have went up 10 to 15 percent since june.

She cannot afford her apartment and even admitted it to me not to long ago or rather said she cant afford to live.. Keep in mind after all deductions she makes around 2500 to 2700 a month. I make nothing on comp and idk how long its gonna take me to get my S*** together. 

The only way I would be open to any agreement where we are sharing a house or apartment while living together or in one of those nesting arrangements would be is if we were trying to work on things. That would would require alot from both of us and I dont think I want that anymore. 

I think everyone here by now can say that something like that would work on the civil side of things since im trying to remain as civil as I can throughout this for many reasons but her on the other hand... 

I will say after we had the blow up about the car and I turned the conversation around and we actually had a nice calm conversation she has been a tad different since then. Not sure how long it will last but ill enjoy it while I can. Wait until she finds out about court coming up!


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> You are correct Its on her. Either she didn't push her lawyer or was the one delaying it on purpose. Maybe trying to bankrupt me first, Which has happened but I'm ready to fight.
> 
> She had the nerve to say the other night while we were discussing the back to school plans that she was broke because she had to buy school supplies. I almost responded with " Maybe you shouldn't have went to the Bronx zoo twice and a overnight trip to the jersey shore plus every time I see the kids they show me all the new toys they got.
> *
> I will say their grandma who's also broke and has a spending problem* im sure bought some of it but I know it wasn't all on her.
> 
> Since the RJI was filed and a judge has been assigned can we still keep it out of court at this point? My lawyer said that we just wait for a court date now.


Learned behavior..... like mother, like daughter

With a sharpened picker in the future, you will see things like this a mile away


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## iaschneider5

Oh yeah I saw it early from the mom but honestly my ex wasn't so bad. She enjoyed spending the money she made on mostly the kids and a little bit on her. Mostly shoes and a few fancy purses. She would always try to get me some nice things but I declined most of the time to the point where she told me she gives up trying to get presents for me because its hard to do lol My mother says the same haha. 

Main difference between her mom and my ex is my ex was on board with me when it came to bills and savings first. Everything else got paid, and money got put away before anything was bought. I didn't care if it was left over cash after paying bills or put on a credit card everything else was first. Her mom on the other hand would write a check for something and then before the money cleared had already spent it at the store. Her dad is very passive so rarely stands up to his wife and even when he does she shuts him down. I do like the women and she is very nice 70% of the time but she's def got some issues but I guess we all do. I just feel bad for the dad. He spends his days working just to come home and have to stress about all the bills. He would sit there just vent a bit to me about everything from time to time. 

I see my ex has picked her mothers habits and now she doesn't seem to have the same mentality from before or at the very least doesn't see that she doesn't make enough to cover her bills and all the crap she wants to buy just like her mom doesn't. 

Every time the mom would come home with something new from the store we could all joke that there was a new item for next years yard sale! Or just donate it!


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## iaschneider5

So I am currently trying to solve my housing issues. If it works out I will be buying a house. It will be with my mom but with some separation between the 2 of us otherwise I may commit murder lmao! 

Anyway that will be very good in terms of solving a major issue in my life and I will also have 3 bedrooms vs the 2 I have now and vs the 1 my ex has. For some reason I'm thinking that if that does happen my ex will all of a sudden miss me and wanna work things out.... I could be wrong but if that did happen I would again say no at first and give it some real thought but my biggest issue would be is if she's doing it because she actually wants to work things out or just because I have the house. 

I kinda just wanna text her and ask her if she's having any second thoughts now before all that goes down just to see what she says. If she says no now and then yes after I move and I do get a house she changes her mind I will know its most likely BS. 

Thoughts?

And if she says she's having second thoughts now my answer will still be not interested at this point FYI.


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## 3Xnocharm

If you’re wanting to ask that question, that says to me you want her back. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

3Xnocharm said:


> If you’re wanting to ask that question, that says to me you want her back.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree with that.

You’re still hoping. That will get you nowhere.


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> If you’re wanting to ask that question, that says to me you want her back.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





Openminded said:


> I agree with that.
> 
> You’re still hoping. That will get you nowhere.



And you would be wrong. As Ive said before if she said something I would say no up front and then evaluate if I could do it after that, and it wouldn't be easy.

My reasoning here is I don't want her to actually come to me saying she wants us to to work this out after I have a house. At that point I wouldn't believe it was just because she wanted it and I would feel its just because of the house. 
Now even now If she did say yes or even maybe I would think its because her life isn't going as planned and not actually because she misses or wants me or whatever. 

While Im generally miserable most of the time that's not because of her thats just because of my life in general but I'm slowly trying to figure it all out. I have some friends that I have become close with, some closer then others and im good. 

Its not a hope because I really dont I'm focused on getting my life in order by myself to better my life and the lives of my children not her life. 

But again I dont want it coming up after I go and get into a bigger nicer place I would rather it be out now no matter the answer. Maybe it doesn't make sense but its something that has crossed my mind. 

I am not hoping or trying to get back with her. There would be too many things that I would need and im sure her to make that happen. Would I consider it for the benefit of my kids that are suffering and a potentially better life that we can build together? I would at least give it some thought but she would have to show me she really wants it and isn't just doing it because she's unhappy with her current life choices.


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## iaschneider5

I just don't want it coming up after I get in a house. I think it would bother me then idk. The house Im looking at it a nice place just needs some work and is a foreclosure. I dont wanna get in it and have her say she misses or maybe we should give this a shot or some s***.


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## 3Xnocharm

iaschneider5 said:


> I just don't want it coming up after I get in a house. I think it would bother me then idk. The house Im looking at it a nice place just needs some work and is a foreclosure. I dont wanna get in it and have her say she misses or maybe we should give this a shot or some s***.


Who cares if she does? So what? It doesn’t change your life... all it does is show her true colors. If you ask that question, you are opening yourself up to be manipulated. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Well as I said if she were to be interested i would consider it for the benefit of my kids of course and of course I still care about her a bit. It would probably take just as much time to rebuild as we have been part of not longer but I don't foresee it happening and I'm fine with that. I just dont want it coming up after I get the house that's all. Im still thinking it over and still gonna discuss it with my therapist and see what he thinks. He's blunt and will just say what he thinks. 

Today marks a year separated, I settled my comp claim and the offer I made on a house was accepted. What an interesting day its been. And funny coincidence my realtor was telling me today makes 25 years with his first wife... well if they were still together! haha


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> So I am currently trying to solve my housing issues. If it works out I will be buying a house. It will be with my mom but with some separation between the 2 of us otherwise I may commit murder lmao!
> 
> Anyway that will be very good in terms of solving a major issue in my life and I will also have 3 bedrooms vs the 2 I have now and vs the 1 my ex has. For some reason I'm thinking that if that does happen my ex will all of a sudden miss me and wanna work things out.... I could be wrong but if that did happen I would again say no at first and give it some real thought but my biggest issue would be is if she's doing it because she actually wants to work things out or just because I have the house.
> 
> I kinda just wanna text her and ask her if she's having any second thoughts now before all that goes down just to see what she says. If she says no now and then yes after I move and I do get a house she changes her mind I will know its most likely BS.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> And if she says she's having second thoughts now my answer will still be not interested at this point FYI.


Whatever your thoughts are saying....get D no matter what. If you wish to date her after the D

then go right ahead. At least then..... you won't have to go through all this crap to get rid

of her again. She has showed you who she really is......BELIEVE HER

She has went through a ton of $, has no concept of budgeting, has realized her "empowerment"

didn't exactly go as she had planned. Now she wants you to swoop in and rescue her.

Sad to say but many guys fall into that trap......I hope you're not one of them


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> I just don't want it coming up after I get in a house. I think it would bother me then idk. The house Im looking at it a nice place just needs some work and is a foreclosure. I dont wanna get in it and have her say she misses or maybe we should give this a shot or some s***.


With tons of bills piling up and possible eviction unless she catches up on rent, bet your ass she will throw a line out to you.

In the past.....you always swooped in to save the day. I know you're looking for "happiness," hell everybody does.

But happiness must come from within......it can't come from others. When you base your happiness on what others 

think and feel about you, you are giving up your power to be happy and it is a road to misery. I've been on this board

going on 8 years and I've seen this play out too many times. When you place your happiness in the hands of 

others....your boundaries are shot to crap. This leads to being manipulated. And how do those 

situations turn out? 

Has she started sending you sappy-assed "remember when" texts?


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> Well as I said if she were to be interested i would consider it for the benefit of my kids of course and of course I still care about her a bit. It would probably take just as much time to rebuild as we have been part of not longer but I don't foresee it happening and I'm fine with that. I just dont want it coming up after I get the house that's all. Im still thinking it over and still gonna discuss it with my therapist and see what he thinks. He's blunt and will just say what he thinks.
> 
> Today marks a year separated, I settled my comp claim and the offer I made on a house was accepted. What an interesting day its been. And funny coincidence my realtor was telling me today makes 25 years with his first wife... well if they were still together! haha


Get to 50k feet and observe...... without emotion. Only then can you see with no obstructions


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## iaschneider5

Well I like your idea of dating and maybe waiting until after the divorce but I have moved past any of that now. 

I have had some suspicions over the past couple months but I def noticed a bump on her stomach so I asked again. I did ask before and she said no and of course she lied. 

So she's 6 months pregnant as of right now. And just a recap this month makes 12 months we are separated and also its a coworker of course and he's around 50 she is 30. 

Honeslty it makes everything easy now I won't ask about therapy for us as a couple because f*** that. I honestly feel bad for her. I did tell her my thoughts on it.. She didn't like that but oh well. I think this is why I could see something in her about how down and stressed she has been. Sucks for her. 

Not sure if it matters for the divorce or what effect it would have but either way i'm simply just saying to myself over and over WTF?! One of the things she said it was unplanned but not unwanted...


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## jlg07

REALLY sorry that you found this out how much of a cheater she was, but as long as it helps you get your plans together, and STICK to your plan, there is that as a positive.
At least there is no doubt for friends/family that she cheated, so...


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## iaschneider5

She claims she didn't start up with him until she left but I doubt it or at the very least it was emotianlly then turned into more. I don't really care to be honest but getting pregnant 6 months into a divorce is f**** stupid IMO.

Just to add to the days rollercoaster I got paperwork for court. Its the 19th at 230. I have 3 kids and 3 different remote learning schedules. This should be interesting. Its technically "her" day but I doubt she will wanna take them.

If anyone see a mushroom cloud in any other part of the country that's just part of the east coast being vaporized after my ex explodes when she gets home and sees this paperwork! lol


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## iaschneider5

I know this is stupid but when we were together and things seemed good and we were discussing moving to NC the subject of having another kid came up. Mostly in a joking manner but still came up, if it happened, do we want it etc. 

Well anyway she discussed names and that if girl whatever it was and for boy we discussed a name that had meaning to her and me. the whole name that is but the first was her grandfathers name. I think if she had a boy and she named him that It might get to me since we had talked about it. I'm sure that seems silly and maybe it wont but idk just started thinking about it.


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## jlg07

Ian, stop with the what ifs. You need to look forward at YOUR life, not hers, not what she did, or what she will do. You can't control her, nor should you want to -- you should want to know nothing about her. The only thing you need to deal with her are your kids. Other than that, NOTHING. You will detach and this will become better for you in the long run.


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## iaschneider5

As I said stupid. Just one of those things that crossed my mind while laying there unable to sleep as usual. Got it out here and now idc. As I said I just feel bad for her in a way such a bad choice to make during all this and period I think. The dynamics of how its gonna work will be interesting. 
She already has a tough time controlling the 3 she has and the "BF" lives an hour away. Oh well not my issue, I'm sure It will be in to some degree but not much. 

I'm just gonna focus on what I have to get done at the new place I'm getting since I've figured that out. Anyone know anything about heating systems and have some opinions on what's best LMAO oh and hot water heaters ! haha


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## Blondilocks

iaschneider5 said:


> As I said stupid. Just one of those things that crossed my mind while laying there unable to sleep as usual. Got it out here and now idc. As I said I just feel bad for her in a way such a bad choice to make during all this and period I think. The dynamics of how its gonna work will be interesting.
> She already has a tough time controlling the 3 she has and the "BF" lives an hour away. Oh well not my issue, I'm sure It will be in to some degree but not much.
> 
> I'm just gonna focus on what I have to get done at the new place I'm getting since I've figured that out. *Anyone know anything about heating systems and have some opinions on what's best LMAO oh and hot water heaters* ! haha


Post your home improvement questions in the Social forum. There are members who are knowledgeable.


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## iaschneider5

Blondilocks said:


> Post your home improvement questions in the Social forum. There are members who are knowledgeable.



That was more of a joke lol but I will check it out thank you!


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## Beach123

Who cares what she wants and what she does! Keep your focus on what YOU plan for your future with your kids!

map it out - stick to it. If needed get help from a counselor so that you stop handing HER all YOUR power!

did you get your settlement a few days ago? What’s your plan?


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## iaschneider5

I'm just venting here but I will say when she confirmed the pregnancy it was a bit of a shock. I didn't expect the answer to be yes.. I mean its only been a year and he has 3 already but whatever. Thats what im focusing on my life. Right no its getting ready for the house and all the work I gotta have done. Mostly cosmetic besides the heat and hot water. I got a fantastic price for the area and glad that my housing issues are solved. Its only 5 minutes up the road from me so bringing them to the current school district is not an issue and the school district it is in isn't horrible either. 

I have not got the settlement yet. They by law have 10 days to issue the check and I suspect as per the normal thing with them they will wait until the last day. 

My plan for the future is to not start drinking because I will most likely never stop! haha just kidding. IDK. right now I have 3 kids doing school and 3 different schedules. My daughter has to log on4 to 5 times a day on the computer and my 2 sons 2 to 3 times each and all of them are different times. Next week my youngest has to be brought to the school for a speech class at 1230 twice a week right after one remote class ends and then when we get back another one begins. Trying to get ahold of all this right now and plan what gonna do for the future. Idk how daycare would work with all these different times and stuff they have to do. and I out anyone would bring my youngest to speech at the school... If I got to work full time it will be at least 1100 a month for daycare from me and same from my ex. 

and to add to it my ex decided that since she didn't get to do things as a kid these kids will and she signed the youngest up for dance class at 4pm on mondays. Keep in mind I have her and its technically my exes "day" with her hence why she gets them at 6pm on mondays and drops them off tuesday at 7am which I can't stand. 

I did this weeks class which ended in screams because it was the wrong class and she was dead tired but from now on her grandmother is supposed to take her and since apparently since its not my day with them im told i have no say in the matter. Such fun to deal with.


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## iaschneider5

Quick rundown of monday just for one kid. 

9-920 meeting
1030-11 gym or mindful minutes (whatever the f that is)
1115-1145 Specials 
1145-130 free time/ lunch but speech at 1230 at the school 
130-210 meetings with teachers in smaller groups. 
215-3 whole class full meeting
4pm dance


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## iaschneider5

Second round of good news. I applied for unemployment for now until i can figure out how to get back to work and I was approved in one day. Its about $32 more then I was making a week on comp so not much but I also get the $300 extra a week as long as it continues due to covid. So house and that.. things seem to moving in the right direction for me, I hope it continues. My ex on the other hand looks like things are moving in the other direction. I would say serves her right and f*** her but I dont wanna see her suffer either.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

iaschneider5 said:


> She claims she didn't start up with him until she left but I doubt it or at the very least it was emotianlly then turned into more. I don't really care to be honest but getting pregnant 6 months into a divorce is f**** stupid IMO.
> 
> Just to add to the days rollercoaster I got paperwork for court. Its the 19th at 230. I have 3 kids and 3 different remote learning schedules. This should be interesting. Its technically "her" day but I doubt she will wanna take them.
> 
> If anyone see a mushroom cloud in any other part of the country that's just part of the east coast being vaporized after my ex explodes when she gets home and sees this paperwork! lol


Good for you!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

iaschneider5 said:


> Second round of good news. I applied for unemployment for now until i can figure out how to get back to work and I was approved in one day. Its about $32 more then I was making a week on comp so not much but I also get the $300 extra a week as long as it continues due to covid. So house and that.. things seem to moving in the right direction for me, I hope it continues. My ex on the other hand looks like things are moving in the other direction. I would say serves her right and f*** her but I dont wanna see her suffer either.


You're showing weakness.

Next thing will be you'll start helping her, then she'll get you snared cause you're a solid plan B......

Stop it !!


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## iaschneider5

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're showing weakness.
> didn't
> Next thing will be you'll start helping her, then she'll get you snared cause you're a solid plan B......
> 
> Stop it !!


I have no issue feeling bad for the way her life is going for whatever reasons ( mostly her choices ) but I am still moving forward with court and letting my lawyer pursue whatever needs to be done. I will help in terms of my kids not the new one. I will wish her congrats and good luck with him but thats it. Im gonna focus on my life and this big move coming up. Its a positive and gonna keep it that way.

I might apologize for the things I said to her when she admitted she was... I was very blunt and she didn't like it. She got a bit pissy but to her credit didn't give it back to me as much as I was giving to her. I was straight up telling her she should have just gotten rid of it and she's stupid. I know that first one is something most people consider a horrible thing to say but as I said I was being blunt. I was have shocked and half amused I guess.


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## Openminded

Well, at least her news put “paid” to any thought of R. Now you can completely move on.


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## 3Xnocharm

Don’t apologize to her for one damn thing!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Don’t apologize to her for one damn thing!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I said I might! or I might just tell her some more how stupid she is. I was very blunt. I know that telling someone they should have gotten an abortion is quite insulting but I really dont care. I also not wanna get her all pissy with me to where she takes it out on the kids because she is mad at me. 

I wonder if any of this will matter in court? In terms of how the judge will treat her or i and if it will make her lean towards what she wants more or what I want. idk. 

A friend said she has gone in front of this judge before and to make sure all the Ts are crossed and Is are dotted. She went in to petition to have he ex stop covering their child under his health insurance or something like that and switch it to the mother. The judge starting yelling at her about bringing him back in asking for more from him, once the judge realized that she was actually trying to take over the medical coverage and not ask her ex for anything more she calmed down. She said her and her ex both agreed the judge was acting crazy.


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## Beach123

There’s really not one thing you need to say to her at this point.

if needed have your attorney give her any info you need her to know.

less interaction is better. Read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”


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## iaschneider5

Beach123 said:


> There’s really not one thing you need to say to her at this point.
> 
> if needed have your attorney give her any info you need her to know.
> 
> less interaction is better. Read the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”


I know I know. 
Spoke to my lawyer today. She said the pregnancy thing def complicates things and since the baby daddy lives an hour away we have to make sure she doesn't try move down there with him. Also it is implied that I am the father by law so we both have to fill out paperwork stating that we both acknowledge im not. YAY!!! 

Oh and her lawyer finally sent over an "agreement" what a joke that is. Plus it has a ton of errors for example listing that she has primary custody and lives at my address! Also lists my income as over 3x what it actually is on comp smh. Then says on other parts need husband income. Court date coming up and my lawyer explained some of the things that will happen next and said we if her lawyer starts negotiating we could just deal with the judges lawyer or whatever it was I forgot what she called it.


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## Beach123

Start by showing the facts to the court.

also show she is perfectly capable of earning money herself. Make it known in court papers she isn’t to move more than *_* amount of miles away from you and can’t take the kids out of your county area without your consent.

start getting proactive!


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## iaschneider5

Well she earns more then me for sure and now I've settled comp i got nothing until the unemployment starts. I do feel S**** for needing money from her but until I can figure out how to get to work and make enough to pay for daycare and my bills plus be prepared for if schools close again or go full remote idk what to do. Just trying to get the move over with and go from there. 

The lawyer said she's gonna make sure she can't move an hour away where new baby daddy lives. I cant wait to see how that dynamic works for her, I wonder how involved he's gonna be. Yesterday the subject of their new baby brother came up and I tried talking to them about it. I will not be rude to them about it as it is their sibling and they are excited of course. I tried my best to respond and also ask questions based of their responses as I could which I think I should right?

They are a tad confused just based on this one question alone... " Will he be coming over to play when we come to your house?" of course I said no and then the why's started and some other stuff. I tried to explain I'm not the dad and all that and its mommies"boyfriend" is the dad but they admitted they didn't get it. 

I tried to just tell her what had happened later in the night just as a heads up I wasn't rude or nasty in anyway. The worst I said was " I did my best to answer them without being rude or brushing them off even though id rather not talk about it"
I have to expect him to come up and be ready for it and they are my kids so I will always be there when they have a question. 

Her responses to anything I said

"they have not been confused at all about it to me"
"that's interesting because they instantly knew who his dad was when I talked to them"
"and they told me they understood that you're not his father"
"im just telling you what they said here"
"ill talk to them but they seem to understand pretty well"
"tell them to ask me the questions next time"

I just thought it was important info to relay but I guess not. Keep in mind they have only met this man I think maybe 3 or 4 times. Few times down in the city he lives and I believe they said he was over at her house once. Just annoying.


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## iaschneider5

Well shes def pissed about court but oh well. Blames me of course but in the end its her lawyers fault but mine said we would have gotten there eventually. Few interesting tiffs between us and some drama between the ex MIL and myself but nothing serious. I was looking forward to and nervous about court on monday and now after knowing about it since the beginning of the month suddenly my exes lawyer has a conflict and had it rescheduled. 

Now its gonna be in november :/


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## iaschneider5

Since the court was delayed my lawyer is writing the judge to request a lawyer for my kids ow vs waiting until get to court. 

My ex decided to now take mondays off on top of her normal weekday off and is going to keep the kids since she gets them sat night. She refused to make any changes to the current screwed up custody schedule even though she admitted its hard on the kids unless I agreed to what she wanted but recently said she wouldn't change it unless a judge did it. 

I find it funny how for someone claiming she is broke can go ahead and take an extra day off of work every week especially with a 4th kid on the way. I'm sure that's not about looking good for court or anything smh


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## iaschneider5

Its occurred today as I woke up that our new court date is also on a monday how that's gonna work. Either my ex knows the date and is gonna try put on a show for the courts or she doesn't know and it will be interesting. 

Last time she told me she was going to her lawyers office for it I highly doubt she can or that it would be a good idea to bring the kids to her lawyers office for a court date. 

Just my early morning thoughts rant they wonderful.


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## iaschneider5

Preliminary court date today, My lawyer got the kids a lawyer and I meet with her wed. 

I was given a run down of what will happen which isn't much so wish me luck?


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## jlg07

Best of luck! I really hope everything goes your way!


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## Openminded

Hope it all works out for you.


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## jlg07

Hey @iaschneider5, just checking in to see how you are doing and how it went yesterday!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Hey @iaschneider5, just checking in to see how you are doing and how it went yesterday!


Well it was quick. Another date was set and after I bring kids to their lawyer tomorrow we are gonna work with the judges lawyer and see what happens. Tomorrow I go to my lawyers to sign some papers and I'm gonna ask her what will happen next. 

As far as how I'm doing? Well my fridge went out last thursday right after I went shopping and do you know how hard it is to get a fridge right now? VERY! My new heating system in the house im moving to got delayed but I mean im gonna be moving into a 3 bedroom house so I guess a little delay isn't so bad just annoying. 

Ex likes to lecture me about when I mess up with the kids school which between trying to get ready to move and get the place ready and 3 crazy ass schedules that change every week for one reason or another yet when she messes up (like today) its "I'm dizzy today" "They arnt listening today" "They just run around and won't sit and do their work and they know I can't chase after them" or when she tells me about how bad they are being and not doing what they are supposed to and I ask her to stop lecturing me she just says "its not normally like this just today" Such fun lol

Thanks for asking


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## jlg07

Well at least the process is moving along even if not completed yet.! Good luck with the lawyers. 

As for her complaining about you messing up with the kids schooling, just ignore her (unless she has a valid point -- then just try to correct it ). With covid and schooling AND the divorce AND setting up a new place, it has to be crazy for you to deal with!
I would also just stop listening to her complain about things -- just get the info about the KIDS and what they are doing. If she starts to complain about how hard it is for HER, just bring the convo right back to the KIDS instead.


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## iaschneider5

Yeah its getting there just was hoping sooner but can't help the delays. Still gonna be awesome in the end. I'm from 700sqft to little over 1200 plus a 2 car garage. Cant wait! 

To a degree she has a valid point but im trying to keep on top of it but as you said its def crazy for me right now for sure. 
The schools are constantly changing the schedules for holidays and now my daughters school is closed until after thanksgiving because someone got covid in the school. The full remote schedule is wonderful. :/

I would say 90% is about kids besides her complaints about being broke or whatever issues due to being pregnant. Ive been trying to keep it kid related no matter what it is. When it comes to the schooling crap its just annoying when Ill make a mistake she will lecture me until my ears bleed but when she does it there's always a reason why and how it has never happened. Like when she crashed her car (insert crying emoji for my poor car..well hers) she had to drop it off to the bodyshop so instead of making the appt later or the following week she had the kids skip afternoon classes and dropped it off but when I tried to say something she jumped down my throat of how its not that bad. 

The one that also kills me is the "I'm Broke" yet in the past couple months she has gone to a mall in CT about 45- hour away 3 or 3 times and the Bronx zoo 3 times and also on this friday ( which is my "day" smh) she's driving an hour away to get pictures taken of them all which also needs to be paid for. 
Now last week I told her about batteries at Home depot for 5.88 for a 40 pack because its a good idea and these kids go through them very quickly so I figured id share the info to which she thanked me but said she didn't have the money to buy them yet she does all this other stuff and can afford to take off an extra day every week! 

Here I go ranting again! lol


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## iaschneider5

dont mind the rant up there. Signed the papers I needed to sign today and my lawyer said the next meeting is just for lawyers to try figure this out so I guess we will see what happens after the kids lawyer meets with them today.


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## Openminded

Be grateful every time she complains about her pregnancy. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, you might have decided at some point to take her back. As it is, you get to move on to a better life.


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## 3Xnocharm

You really need to learn to cut her off when she goes off into any subject beside your kids. Hang up the damn phone. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Openminded said:


> Be grateful every time she complains about her pregnancy. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, you might have decided at some point to take her back. As it is, you get to move on to a better life.


Yeah I'm just tired of hearing about it. I want throw up when I see her. Interesting fact her mom hasn't even met the "BF" yet or doesn't know the babies name. He's named after the dad and her mom hates that.... The kids wanna talk about their brother on occasion so I let them of course. We were going through some clothes to get rid of what did fit and I said we should ask their mom if she wants the boys clothes and of course they said oh yeah for our brother etc etc. I asked if they knew the name yet and they did but "Mommy said not to tell you"
She had lectured me on telling the kids to keep secrets (which I didn't) so I called her out on it in a very nice way when they said that which is how I found out about the mom not knowing the name and her not meeting him yet. She didn't comfit that her parents haven't met him but I can tell by how she said it.



3Xnocharm said:


> You really need to learn to cut her off when she goes off into any subject beside your kids. Hang up the damn phone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ive only had maybe 2 phone calls with her in the past 8 months. Its all text, I just do what she does and ignore what I dont wanna answer. 

Kids lawyer went ok I suppose. Spoke to me then oldest to youngest. When she asked me what I wanted for custody I really had no answer since it'd a bit of a mess between me just off comp and not working, my exes schedule, covid and the schools all over the place and all that. In a perfect world 50/50 but this is a less then perfect world for sure. 

She didn't seem to like the fact that my ex is pregnant and also only lives in a one bedroom apartment. 

And yes my lawyer gave us permission to speak to each other.


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## DownByTheRiver

I think you should take her injuries seriously just as she should take your head injury seriously. You have a tough road, both of you. 

She may just feel like she's better off not in a relationship right now and especially if she's got so many injuries that physical relationship isn't going to be appealing to her. 

Counseling might help. I know some people aren't taking her injuries seriously, but they're not doctors. If you know she was injured, there's just no reason not to understand her limitations. And she needs to be more patient with you because you are having a head injury causing you some problems. I am assuming that you have had your head injury treated by a doctor, but if not, you should. 

This is a complex situation and there's no magic wand. Either get in therapy and learn to communicate if she's willing to work on it at all, or you throw in the towel and let her go. You'll still be connected through the children. Good luck.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you should take her injuries seriously just as she should take your head injury seriously. You have a tough road, both of you.
> 
> She may just feel like she's better off not in a relationship right now and especially if she's got so many injuries that physical relationship isn't going to be appealing to her.
> 
> Counseling might help. I know some people aren't taking her injuries seriously, but they're not doctors. If you know she was injured, there's just no reason not to understand her limitations. And she needs to be more patient with you because you are having a head injury causing you some problems. I am assuming that you have had your head injury treated by a doctor, but if not, you should.
> 
> This is a complex situation and there's no magic wand. Either get in therapy and learn to communicate if she's willing to work on it at all, or you throw in the towel and let her go. You'll still be connected through the children. Good luck.


I have always taken her injuries seriously to the point it became a problem. Theres lots there and I feel therapy would have helped us both in the long run. I should have suggested it earlier. She was never patient with me but never spoke up either until it blew up.. She also at times imo would say things about herself then it would come out again weeks or months later and she would say I said them which isnt true. Its complicated. 

I will say that you for th words but I also think you are a bit behind here. There is no saving it, She started "dating" someone right away and is pregnant with the new baby due in jan. I have learned I may be better off and while Im broken in many ways I do think I'm better off while still somewhere in there wishing we went and tried to work it out. Right now I'm just focusing on moving to my new place which is proving to be challenging.


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## iaschneider5

So this week has been the week from hell. Monday she started up and I engaged her out of anger but never got angry just was annoyed at what she was saying. Yes I know that was stupid.. She touched a lot of subjects and said a name or maybe 2. What I really hated is when she said we can still go to mediation after she outright denied it multiple times and said its sad that I won't now smh. 

Then I backed my truck up into a concrete light pole base then I broke one of the windows on my back door at my new place and that was just monday! 

Skipping ahead to friday the kids are with me now and my ex texts me and it turns out her mother tested positive for covid. So her moms coworker got it but she had no contact with her but was covered so went and got tested anyway so what's the logical thing to do? spend time with the kids and still have thanksgiving together... yup seems about right. So now my ex is stuck in her house and im keeping the kids until we know whats going on. Got the kids tested today which was so much fun. 

Now the least important thing of all of it is now I have to delay my move and what I had to do tomorrow and monday but I am really annoyed over the whole thing. To me they should have kept the kids and my ex away until they knew. My ex is even more at risk given the baby and I would never wish harm to her or her unborn child. Her mom is also since she also like my ex has no immune system. 

She got tested monday and found out friday. The kids dr said even if the test taken today is negative I should keep them here for 2 weeks or have them retested next tuesday and see what it says then I have myself tested aswell.

I will say since my ex is freaked out about he whole thing she has calmed down a bit and even let me cal her and her mother irresponsible and a few other small jabs without barking back at me. Guess there's a silver lining lol


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## iaschneider5

oh lets not forget last friday she took them an hour and half drive for "family" photos with her and her bf... ya know the man they have met 5 or 6 times over the past year for about an hour at a time each time. Yeah that's not inappropriate at all.....


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## jlg07

At least you get to spend more time with your kids, which has to be good for you (AND them). 
You shouldn't care what she thinks of it all -- remember you need to detach as much as you can.

I hope you and your kids are all negative!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> At least you get to spend more time with your kids, which has to be good for you (AND them).
> You shouldn't care what she thinks of it all -- remember you need to detach as much as you can.
> 
> I hope you and your kids are all negative!


I could care less what she thinks, Im just pissed how the whole thing went down and now im delayed in moving because I have so much to do. Today was supposed to be moving truck and getting the rest of my storage units empty plus most of my apartment besides the big stuff. Then was gonna build the beds tomorrow for the kids and myself go shopping etc. On the plus side my floors had their final coat yesterday and are looking great. 

My ex annoyed me this morning. She sent a text that I can just bring the kids over to her and of she's dies its her fault anyway (because she knows how annoyed I am about being delayed on my move and the whole thing) I said no they are gonna stay the 2 weeks. Her response was she sees no point if their test comes back negative! The kids dr said they may come up negative on the first one but to keep them away from everyone for 2 weeks or have them retested as I said before so thats whats gonna happen. 

Fun fact I spoke to the states dept of health about it and he said the same about keeping them away and I asked him should I tell anyone we were near recently about it. He said the contact tracers will do it but it would be a good thing to do going back as far as 2 weeks ago since the kids have been around her and she could have had it even a week prior to her test. 
Wasn't many people for me but the interesting one is the kids lawyer. We saw her last wed. I wonder how she would react if she knew my ex and her mom knew she had a test and a positive coworker and still choose to have the kids around? Not that I'm gonna volunteer that info unless asked but could be interesting no?


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## LisaDiane

iaschneider5 said:


> I could care less what she thinks, Im just pissed how the whole thing went down and now im delayed in moving because I have so much to do. Today was supposed to be moving truck and getting the rest of my storage units empty plus most of my apartment besides the big stuff. Then was gonna build the beds tomorrow for the kids and myself go shopping etc. On the plus side my floors had their final coat yesterday and are looking great.
> 
> My ex annoyed me this morning. She sent a text that I can just bring the kids over to her and of she's dies its her fault anyway (because she knows how annoyed I am about being delayed on my move and the whole thing) I said no they are gonna stay the 2 weeks. Her response was she sees no point if their test comes back negative! The kids dr said they may come up negative on the first one but to keep them away from everyone for 2 weeks or have them retested as I said before so thats whats gonna happen.
> 
> Fun fact I spoke to the states dept of health about it and he said the same about keeping them away and I asked him should I tell anyone we were near recently about it. He said the contact tracers will do it but it would be a good thing to do going back as far as 2 weeks ago since the kids have been around her and she could have had it even a week prior to her test.
> Wasn't many people for me but the interesting one is the kids lawyer. We saw her last wed. I wonder how she would react if she knew my ex and her mom knew she had a test and a positive coworker and still choose to have the kids around? Not that I'm gonna volunteer that info unless asked but could be interesting no?


I don't blame you for your annoyance (AT ALL!!), and I've been rooting for you since the beginning of your story!! My STBX can irritate me to the point of wanting to pull my hair out or just throw things around to smash them (and I'm almost never that angry at anything!)!!!

But I think for your own peace of mind, you are going to have to find a way to detach from her more, or you are going to spend a large amount of your future frustrated and annoyed...and that's a sucky way to live!

I'm NOT saying that you don't have every reason to be frustrated and annoyed with her - you definitely DO! But she's made it crystal clear that your needs and wants mean nothing to her (and she might even get some perverse satisfaction from thwarting you), so to continue to expect her to consider you and act like a mature, cooperative co-parent is adding to your frustration.

If you can start simply expecting her to try and complicate any situations you are in with her, and for her to never care about making things easy for you - and you are prepared mentally for that and have a back-up plan for those times when necessary - you will be taking any power she is trying to get over you AWAY from her, and you will be assuring your own mental and emotional PEACE!!

I'm not saying it's easy to do that, or even that it's possible all the time...but if you can get closer to being that way in your interactions with her, you will only feel BETTER!

GOOD LUCK!!!


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## iaschneider5

LisaDiane said:


> I don't blame you for your annoyance (AT ALL!!), and I've been rooting for you since the beginning of your story!! My STBX can irritate me to the point of wanting to pull my hair out or just throw things around to smash them (and I'm almost never that angry at anything!)!!!
> 
> But I think for your own peace of mind, you are going to have to find a way to detach from her more, or you are going to spend a large amount of your future frustrated and annoyed...and that's a sucky way to live!
> 
> I'm NOT saying that you don't have every reason to be frustrated and annoyed with her - you definitely DO! But she's made it crystal clear that your needs and wants mean nothing to her (and she might even get some perverse satisfaction from thwarting you), so to continue to expect her to consider you and act like a mature, cooperative co-parent is adding to your frustration.
> 
> If you can start simply expecting her to try and complicate any situations you are in with her, and for her to never care about making things easy for you - and you are prepared mentally for that and have a back-up plan for those times when necessary - you will be taking any power she is trying to get over you AWAY from her, and you will be assuring your own mental and emotional PEACE!!
> 
> I'm not saying it's easy to do that, or even that it's possible all the time...but if you can get closer to being that way in your interactions with her, you will only feel BETTER!
> 
> GOOD LUCK!!!



Thank you I appreciate it. I'm pretty good as far as being detached. I defiantly messed up at the beginning of last week but I wasn't angry I just kept feeding her and she kept going I was curious what she would say... Its funny how now the stuff she is saying has changed a bit. 

I was madly annoyed with her but the day being bad and week wasn't really on her she just added to it. 

Now this whole being quarantined thing is 1000% her fault and her mothers and I am fuming still but trying to hold it together for the kids. Gonna start putting beds together at the new place and a few other things as well. The biggest complication besides the fact I can't do my full move yet and I only have a small fridge and have to use the curbside pickup options. Making for an interesting 2 weeks with 4 people. and when I say a small fridge I mean i fits on top of my dryer! My favorite part of all this was when she tried complaining to me that she has to fight for her pay for it since they were telling her she had to use FMLA and since she has non she wont qualify for it. She used the rest of her FMLA to take off an extra day every week to keep the kids mondays instead of them coming back to me because "its whats better for the kids" 

Kids took test Saturday and still no results which is annoying.


----------



## iaschneider5

Everyone was negative but between that and snow I've been very delayed in getting my apartment empty.. Anyway I am not allowed to have the kids for Christmas eve even though I made my case since she had them last year..I have no issue doing it since she's off and i always off but its her responses that get to me. 

"well that's what we did last year and it worked. Their lawyer said what we've done continue until the agreement is done"

I did not put up a fight since the kids are already excited about doing something tonight with her family at 530, again not the end of the world but her responses I hate. 

Another incident happened while with her. The 2 boys were playing in the yard at grandmas house and there was a pick axe out there apparently. They were breaking ice in the pool then threw it in the pool. This has me fuming because while I get letting them play outside they need to be at least looked on every few minutes to avoid things like this and what about if one of them swing that axe in the wrong direction?! someone could have gotten seriously hurt or worse!!! 

Not the first time something has happened example when my oldest son went into the pool knowing he was told know but no one was out there to watch him and he went in while it was full of shock treatment. Some might remember when I shared that aswell.

Hope everyone has a safe holiday!


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## jlg07

Hey @iaschneider5 , don't worry so much about the sons -- they DID survive it (boys WILL do stupid crazy stuff -- seems built into our DNA). I DO hope they had some sort of punishment for throwing a pick axe into a pool? They DO need to learn that they have to take responsibility for their actions!

Great that everyone was negative! That must have been an early Christmas present!
As for the holidays, just make sure that this gets worked out in your agreement so that she doesn't ALWAYS get them Christmas eve. I know it's annoying, but you are doing the right thing seeing how they are excited to be there -- you are being a great Dad doing what is best for THEM.

Don't let her snide remarks bother you -- just smile, or if they are really bad, just laugh at her. It will throw her entire game off!
Merry Christmas -- try to relax and enjoy it!


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## Wolfman1968

iaschneider5 said:


> Everyone was negative but between that and snow I've been very delayed in getting my apartment empty.. Anyway I am not allowed to have the kids for Christmas eve even though I made my case since she had them last year..I have no issue doing it since she's off and i always off but its her responses that get to me.
> 
> "well that's what we did last year and it worked. Their lawyer said what we've done continue until the agreement is done"
> 
> I did not put up a fight since the kids are already excited about doing something tonight with her family at 530, again not the end of the world but her responses I hate.


What do you mean "allowed"?? Isn't there a temporary separation agreement addressing this?

Forget her lawyer. Her lawyer doesn't have power over you. Only the judge does.


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## farsidejunky

iaschneider5 said:


> Everyone was negative but between that and snow I've been very delayed in getting my apartment empty.. Anyway I am not allowed to have the kids for Christmas eve even though I made my case since she had them last year..I have no issue doing it since she's off and i always off but its her responses that get to me.
> 
> "well that's what we did last year and it worked. Their lawyer said what we've done continue until the agreement is done"
> 
> I did not put up a fight since the kids are already excited about doing something tonight with her family at 530, again not the end of the world but her responses I hate.
> 
> Another incident happened while with her. The 2 boys were playing in the yard at grandmas house and there was a pick axe out there apparently. They were breaking ice in the pool then threw it in the pool. This has me fuming because while I get letting them play outside they need to be at least looked on every few minutes to avoid things like this and what about if one of them swing that axe in the wrong direction?! someone could have gotten seriously hurt or worse!!!
> 
> Not the first time something has happened example when my oldest son went into the pool knowing he was told know but no one was out there to watch him and he went in while it was full of shock treatment. Some might remember when I shared that aswell.
> 
> Hope everyone has a safe holiday!


Just stop.

Yes, your STBX sucks.

But with this post, you crossed over from legit to petty.

Loosen your grip on the wheel. For your own sanity.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Hey @iaschneider5 , don't worry so much about the sons -- they DID survive it (boys WILL do stupid crazy stuff -- seems built into our DNA). I DO hope they had some sort of punishment for throwing a pick axe into a pool? They DO need to learn that they have to take responsibility for their actions!
> 
> Great that everyone was negative! That must have been an early Christmas present!
> As for the holidays, just make sure that this gets worked out in your agreement so that she doesn't ALWAYS get them Christmas eve. I know it's annoying, but you are doing the right thing seeing how they are excited to be there -- you are being a great Dad doing what is best for THEM.
> 
> Don't let her snide remarks bother you -- just smile, or if they are really bad, just laugh at her. It will throw her entire game off!
> Merry Christmas -- try to relax and enjoy it!


Yes we do! I am a tad concerned at the amount of stuff that happens at her house the pool, pick axe, broke leg from not listening to her and her not stopping him, fractured foot etc but its not something I have brought up to my lawyer or really plan to. They jut simply don't listen to her at all which she reminds every day that they are with her when she's pissed off. Oh well not my issue.
Im always nice or sarcastic... One trick I learned in customer service and sales was sarcasm is the best way to handle anger cause it works as you said throws everyones game off.

One thing I do have to talk to her about is her BF moving in soon. IMO he's not someone who should be disciplining our children in any way. He is not their stepfather they arnt even engaged they are moving in together because she is about to pop in the next few days. Am I wrong in thinking that way?



Wolfman1968 said:


> What do you mean "allowed"?? Isn't there a temporary separation agreement addressing this?
> 
> Forget her lawyer. Her lawyer doesn't have power over you. Only the judge does.


She states the the kids lawyer said to continue the schedule as it's been. I have no confirmation of this and have not reached out yet to confirm but I figured that's what it would be anyway but I dont include holidays in that but as I said sinceIm off anyway I dont mind really just hate her responses to things.

There is no separation agreement she refused to do it. Filed for divorce and this is where we are at, one court date and pretty sure the lawyers just met with the judges lawyer to try reach an agreement. Im gonna send my lawyer an email now actually.



farsidejunky said:


> Just stop.
> 
> Yes, your STBX sucks.
> 
> But with this post, you crossed over from legit to petty.
> 
> Loosen your grip on the wheel. For your own sanity.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Not exactly sure how I crossed to petty, I wasn't bashing her just sharing some details of recent events but take it how you please. Everything that I stated happened within the span of a few weeks not just it all just happened and I'm not on here out of anger just sharing.

95% of my time is focusing on getting my new house in order and now that all my delays are over thankfully I can spend the next couple days that are kid free to empty my old apartment finally. First it was the quarantine (which yes I still see as irresponsible) and then some lovely snow that made it difficult to move anything.


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## jlg07

"One thing I do have to talk to her about is her BF moving in soon. IMO he's not someone who should be disciplining our children in any way. He is not their stepfather they arnt even engaged they are moving in together because she is about to pop in the next few days. Am I wrong in thinking that way? "
THIS I would VERY SPECIFICALLY address with your Lawyer, NOT her -- make sure there are provisions in the divorce agreement that specifically address this.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> "One thing I do have to talk to her about is her BF moving in soon. IMO he's not someone who should be disciplining our children in any way. He is not their stepfather they arnt even engaged they are moving in together because she is about to pop in the next few days. Am I wrong in thinking that way? "
> THIS I would VERY SPECIFICALLY address with your Lawyer, NOT her -- make sure there are provisions in the divorce agreement that specifically address this.


Thats a good idea. I wonder what would happen if it was in the agreement and it happened anyway? By the way she describes he days with them he may run away anyway because they seem to misbehave a lot more with her then with me.


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## Openminded

When terms of an agreement are broken, your option is to go back to court and ask the judge to enforce the agreement. The problem is that your ex will likely continue to break the agreement regardless of what the judge orders because not much — if anything — happens if she doesn’t. Maybe your state is different but most judges don’t like what they consider minor stuff taking up space on their calendar.

Even if the judge rules in your favor, this sort of thing can be difficult to enforce. It’s not something the judge would be likely to send her to jail over and monetary sanctions aren’t imposed lightly (at least not in my state they aren’t). A deterrent to her behavior may be very hard to find.

When you are dealing with uncooperative people who don’t believe in fair play, life as a divorced parent is tough. You can spend a lot of time and money in court but a remedy is not necessarily an easy thing. People can and do spend many years dealing with custody issues with no winners. Your lawyer can tell you what the odds of success are in your state.


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## jlg07

Openminded said:


> When terms of an agreement are broken, your option is to go back to court and ask the judge to enforce the agreement. The problem is that your ex will likely continue to break the agreement regardless of what the judge orders because not much — if anything — happens if she doesn’t. Maybe your state is different but most judges don’t like what they consider minor stuff taking up space on their calendar.
> 
> Even if the judge rules in your favor, this sort of thing can be difficult to enforce. It’s not something the judge would be likely to send her to jail over and monetary sanctions aren’t imposed lightly (at least not in my state they aren’t). A deterrent to her behavior may be very hard to find.
> 
> When you are dealing with uncooperative people who don’t believe in fair play, life as a divorced parent is tough. You can spend a lot of time and money in court but a remedy is not necessarily an easy thing. People can and do spend many years dealing with custody issues with no winners. Your lawyer can tell you what the odds of success are in your state.


An easy deterrent -- if her POSOM moves in, YOU stop paying alimony since HE is living with her and should be providing support for them living together.
It won' STOP him from being there, but it can in fact lighten your monetary burden. You can have the D decree worded that way that if someone else moves in, your alimony ceases or drastically decreases. Talk with your lawyer. I'd be interested to hear their take on this.


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## iaschneider5

Openminded said:


> When terms of an agreement are broken, your option is to go back to court and ask the judge to enforce the agreement. The problem is that your ex will likely continue to break the agreement regardless of what the judge orders because not much — if anything — happens if she doesn’t. Maybe your state is different but most judges don’t like what they consider minor stuff taking up space on their calendar.
> 
> Even if the judge rules in your favor, this sort of thing can be difficult to enforce. It’s not something the judge would be likely to send her to jail over and monetary sanctions aren’t imposed lightly (at least not in my state they aren’t). A deterrent to her behavior may be very hard to find.
> 
> When you are dealing with uncooperative people who don’t believe in fair play, life as a divorced parent is tough. You can spend a lot of time and money in court but a remedy is not necessarily an easy thing. People can and do spend many years dealing with custody issues with no winners. Your lawyer can tell you what the odds of success are in your state.


Yeah I'm gonna mention it to mine not sure how it would go. Part of me still wants to just as her and see what she says. 



jlg07 said:


> An easy deterrent -- if her POSOM moves in, YOU stop paying alimony since HE is living with her and should be providing support for them living together.
> It won' STOP him from being there, but it can in fact lighten your monetary burden. You can have the D decree worded that way that if someone else moves in, your alimony ceases or drastically decreases. Talk with your lawyer. I'd be interested to hear their take on this.


Well its many pages back right now but my citation is reverse monetary wise. I just settled a comp claim after 7 years in september and right now just surviving on the settlement until I can figure out what to do. My ex on the other hand built a career while I was home with the kids on comp and currently makes around 50k and im sure its more now. He BF who works at the same job most likely has a base pay of $64,000 so that sure that plan would work from my end! I just don't want someone they barely know trying to discipline them and im curious how far she would allow him to take it in terms of discipline.


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## iaschneider5

My lawyer said any form of discipline by a significant other married or not is frowned upon by the courts and a big no no. She said we will talk about it at some point. I could have sworn the meeting of the lawyers was in December but its jan 26th. Maybe it got pushed back again. 

I went ahead and asked my ex if we could not fight about the stimulus coming out and just agree to split it now and she was not very receptive to the idea of course. Said I'm ridiculous for wanting money when I just got thousands of dollars in a workers comp settlement smh


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## jlg07

well that's because ALL OF THIS is YOUR Fault, so she deservse the $$$. Just make sure it's handled by the lawyers and don't worry about her.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> well that's because ALL OF THIS is YOUR Fault, so she deservse the $$$. Just make sure it's handled by the lawyers and don't worry about her.


Yup. I had to ask just to see what she would say. its funny how its always a new reason as to why she gets to keep everything like the savings and last years tax which she has sent to the tune off about 25k. This year she mentioned she's gonna file married filing separately not sure if I can put a stop to that or not. Was hoping to get this years tax return since she took last years but I won't hold my breath. 
I sent my lawyer and email but I guess she is out for a few days.

One thing she did start mentioning is the reason she deserved to keep the savings and taxes is because I got to keep 90% of the material stuff in the house. 
Im not sure how that works but I guess its a w=question for my lawyer.. fund thing is when she moved in I had most of it and she just brought her personal belongings which she now has. over time certain things did get changed out, couch, washer dryer stuff like that.


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## 3Xnocharm

You’re not working. Any stimulus or tax refunds should go to you. If she was the one not working, she would be clawing your eyes out to get that money. 


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> You’re not working. Any stimulus or tax refunds should go to you. If she was the one not working, she would be clawing your eyes out to get that money.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


LMAO! ill send you my exes number and you can tell her that the response will wonderful haha. According to her she is the one that works and everything should be split based on income.. meaning who makes more get more. 
At least that's what she said before. Now since I have received my workers comp settlement I shouldn't ask her for anything. 

Your absolutely right though she would expect it all unless u ask her because i have said that before and she said she would never ask me for a dime if the roles were reversed... yeah sure smh


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## iaschneider5

Well she took the kids sat night and I was gonna have until wed alone which while i wasn't happy about its much needed time to get my old apartment finished up. That night she popped of course and wanted me to take the kids sunday night. I stood my ground and she figured it out. Her mom will take her to her school with her where she runs the daycare center and they can do their school work and her dad is switching days off from wed to Tuesday and she should be home by then. I really need to get this stuff done.

Fun facts her mom shared and probably shouldn't have said. They have still never met the new BF, He hasn't moved in yet even though he was before the baby was born (her mom said she doesn't think he's gonna move in at all). He's a year younger then her mom and I believe her mom is 53. Her mom saw one of the "family" photos they took and they first words out of her mouth were "oh he's old" My ex did not like that...LMAO! 
My kids told her the babies name my ex wouldn't tell her.. She hates kids being named after the father. 

I did apologize to her slightly and told her I really need to get my old place done and cleaned up as best I can next couple days and said no offense but its not really my concern to be there for her when she needs me anymore especially for something like this even though they are my kids the new one isn't. She agreed straight away and said thats what she told my ex and said weeks ago she had told her to plan for something like this happening and she said it would be fine. My ex told her mom that her dad can just take off more days which pissed her mom off.


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## iaschneider5

6 days until all the lawyers meet. ugh

Funny story the the other day she texted me randomly and asked me I s*** you not If I would help her finance a new phone as hers is not working right blah blah blah. I mean even when she asked she said she was sure the answer was no but she had to ask. Anyway that was interesting. She's flat broke, spent every penny of last years tax return and the savings and is out of work because of the baby.
She split the stimulus with me and used her half to pay her rent. 

What annoyed me beside that was she said at the end "well if you can't get through to me and the kids you know why" smh

Fyi the phone is a Samsung s10plus that was purchased summer of 2019 so its not that old.


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## jlg07

Just ignore it. Why doesn't her AP help her out (he's the babies father, yes?)


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Just ignore it. Why doesn't her AP help her out (he's the babies father, yes?)


oh yeah I just laughed at her and told her ask her parents, brother or supposed BF. I have a feeling they arnt doing so well but whatever I don't care.. And dont forget she didn't start sleeping with him until after she left me so she says. I'm sure thats true. NOT! haha


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## hubbyintrubby

iaschneider5 said:


> oh yeah I just laughed at her and told her ask her parents, brother or supposed BF. I have a feeling they arnt doing so well but whatever I don't care.. And dont forget she didn't start sleeping with him until after she left me so she says. I'm sure thats true. NOT! haha


What is it about everything that is going on that makes you feel like you HAVE to answer so much when she sends you something like that? Silence is golden, and when you answer her about such stupid crap, you're only fighting yourself now.

I truly don't understand.


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## iaschneider5

hubbyintrubby said:


> What is it about everything that is going on that makes you feel like you HAVE to answer so much when she sends you something like that? Silence is golden, and when you answer her about such stupid crap, you're only fighting yourself now.
> 
> I truly don't understand.


She's a slick one it was in between a conversation about children and the custody and as I said I just laughed and told her to ask other people. I didn't talk about it gayer that and finished what we were talking about. 

Spoke to lawyer today tomorrow at 930am is the conference. She's gonna push for sat night to tuesday night for her and the rest for me at least until fall when school is back to normal. I will have first choice on monday and tuesday to take them if she isn't off which of course i will take. 
She said her lawyer is so out of it right now, every time she talks to him about us he either doesn't know her name or he brings up our house that doesn't exist and whatever else. Should be interesting moving forward. Needless to say I'm nervous but tomorrow things should start to move and I should get at least half the tax return this year which will be nice.


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## jlg07

Best of luck tomorrow! I hope everything gets resolved in your favor.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Best of luck tomorrow! I hope everything gets resolved in your favor.


Thank you! Well not going anywhere yet. Since her baby is born (which her lawyer didn't know) the kids lawyer wants to meet with the kids again to touch base with them now that the baby is here. 

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## jlg07

Ugh -- so this being the case, when is the new date? 
Why does the new baby matter? Do they want to make sure the kids are ok if the babies father comes over? OR does it affect if they want to live with her or you?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Ugh -- so this being the case, when is the new date?
> Why does the new baby matter? Do they want to make sure the kids are ok if the babies father comes over? OR does it affect if they want to live with her or you?


I asked her what it was about and asked of it was just to see how they are reacting to the new baby and she said thats the reason. I have an appt next Wed at 2pm and we will see how it goes. I did ask about if there is another date in another email but no response yet. 

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## iaschneider5

UPDATE! My lawyer called me. Kids met with their lawyer yesterday one at a time and everyone agrees they wanna be with me more. 

Her apartment is small and with new baby even worse and they generally just wanna spend more time with me. 

My lawyer is calling hers now to see if they can write it up and get it over with at least I believe for that aspect of it. 

It will be sat night to Tuesday for her. Tuesday night to sat for me and since im not working which is what helps given the school year if shes working I will have first choice to take them which I will of course. 

I wont have alot of spare time but I dont care about that. 

If she refuses to accept that and we go to court chances are I will be given primary custody and she will just be a visiting parent. 



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## iaschneider5

Oh and the other night I met the new umm "bf" look im not trying to be insulting because im no model or anything but 52, and had a big beer belly smh. I just don't get it. 

He looked very awkward sitting on the couch when the door opened idk if that was because of me or just the whole situation. When the kids came in they didn't even acknowledge him and he just said hi which I did back and he went to put his shoes on. 

Tad bit of awkwardness going on at that point. 

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## jlg07

Congrats -- I DO hope the custody stuff works out for you.
As for the "bf", MANY times they say the cheating spouse affairs "down" -- maybe it makes THEM feel superior? Who knows. 
If he said HI, I would have just ignored him -- I know it's kind of a triggered response to say Hi back when someone does that, but from now on, I wouldn't waste my breath on him.


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## Lostinthought61

Congrats!!! I am curious if this is the way she’s thought her life was going to be after leaving you....I bet she has some serious doubts about her decision.


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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Oh and the other night I met the new umm "bf" look im not trying to be insulting because im no model or anything but 52, and had a big beer belly smh. I just don't get it.
> 
> He looked very awkward sitting on the couch when the door opened idk if that was because of me or just the whole situation. When the kids came in they didn't even acknowledge him and he just said hi which I did back and he went to put his shoes on.
> 
> Tad bit of awkwardness going on at that point.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


No contact is your best friend. Don’t go into her home or allow her into yours. Stop at the door.

it appears your head is still in this.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Congrats -- I DO hope the custody stuff works out for you.
> As for the "bf", MANY times they say the cheating spouse affairs "down" -- maybe it makes THEM feel superior? Who knows.
> If he said HI, I would have just ignored him -- I know it's kind of a triggered response to say Hi back when someone does that, but from now on, I wouldn't waste my breath on him.


Yeah it was a trigged response as you said but I didn't say it super loud so he may not even have heard me and honestly I don't care either wayIw as focusing on hugs with the kids.



Lostinthought61 said:


> Congrats!!! I am curious if this is the way she’s thought her life was going to be after leaving you....I bet she has some serious doubts about her decision.


Who the hell knows. I can tell she's miserable and is it wrong to say it gives me a tad bit of satisfaction? At the end of the day idc anymore I'm focusing on my life could care less about hers. TBH she's looking a little unhealthy at the moment and just for the fact that she's my chickdrens mother that is concerning. If I had to guess she's somewhere around 100 Pounds and looks gross. When we were together she was maybe 140-150 she's taller so it balances out besides her stomach being a bit flabby from the kids everything else was toned. She looks pale and very skinny.. Makes me wonder if there is something else going on there. 


Marc878 said:


> No contact is your best friend. Don’t go into her home or allow her into yours. Stop at the door.
> 
> it appears your head is still in this.



I was at the door and the couch is to the left. when the door is open can see the living room to the left kitchen to the right right back is her bedroom door which when open a little bit can be seen. Ive been inside her apartment 3 times if I recall correctly. first time was soon after she moved almost a year ago I had brought bins to her from my shed and I was gonna put them in her car but then she informed me she was out of work and couldn't lift anything. Something to do with her RA. Second was about 2 or 3 months ago when i bought the bed from her for our son. She had it in the living room leaning against the couch, I wrapped it in a plastic bed wrapped and got out. 3rd was about 2 weeks ago. 
My son was misbehaving and he had called me on the phone. He refused to go on for school or do any school work so i had a chat with him and at the end i said if he does what i asked him to do I will get him and his siblings a treat. I went to NJ the next day to ikea to try get a toy storage thing and grabbed some krispy creme donuts for myself and the kids. When I dropped them off only my daughter was there so she took one and I stepped in while my ex got a container out for the rest then I left. 

I have no interest in spending any time in her apartment or any interest in her being in my house where she has not been, that being said my lawyer said that some sort of open visitation will be brought up so since I will have the kids more if my ex asks to say come over to have dinner with them would I be ok with that idea. I said yes because at the end of the day its about them not me. If know she's coming over il just do my own thing and let her spend time with them but that was brought up prior to what happened yesterday so idk what's gonna happen there and chases are my ex won't wanna do that anyway.


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## iaschneider5

Just in case anyone is interested this is the layout of her apartment. Just looked it up to see if they had a layout for it. 1,000sqft and $1475 a month.









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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> I will have the kids more if my ex asks to say come over to have dinner with them would I be ok with that idea.


The only thing I would have to say about this -- are you sure the BF wouldn't be there for these dinners? You'd also be around her new baby -- not sure if that would trigger you due to the circumstances and you wouldn't want that happening in front of the kids.
I know you want to be with the kids -- NOT sure that being with HER will help YOU at all. 

As for the open visitation, you can always agree to meet someplace else rather than your/her apartments -- sort of neutral ground. Again, just helps with the detachment and reinforces that she is no longer any part of your life other than as mother to the kids.


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## iaschneider5

I've been giving it thought since my lawyer mentioned it and still have thoughts of thinking to do on it. 

I wouldnt want the bf coming and that would be a stipulation. I do like the idea of neutral ground pizza place or something to that effect. 

As far as the baby is concerned hes a cute little kid and its not his fault. Seen him plenty of times so far and its not an issue in my mind and truthfully when I see her I feel nothing. I just want this all over with in terms of the divorce. 
I am able to push personal feelings aside now when it comes to all that. If we did happen to all be around each other and something came up I'd just excuse myself to deal with it. I honestly don't think it will be an issue I doubt she will ever wanna do it anyway but if the time comes ill figure it out. 

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## jlg07

Great attitude and glad the little guy doesn't trigger you (I agree not HIS fault at all).
I'm not sure that going over to have dinner with her and the kids is such a great idea though. Is there a REASON you need/want to do that?
I understand that there will be certain events where you DO have to be around each other, but those are different then actively planning to have dinner together. You can be cordial with her at those special events (like you would be with an acquaintance or someone you just met) -- no need to be rude or have a ton of animosity, BUT I wouldn't go out of my way to deal with her otherwise. Doing that may confuse your kids that maybe you are going to get back together.


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## iaschneider5

Yeah I kinda seem him as a clue that im better off. The kids always wanna talk about him so I let them im not gonna disengage them when it comes to talking about him. 

No reason at all that I want her here as I said I like the idea of neutral ground pizza or diner something like that. I would be more open to that then her coming here. Gonna see how it progresses and if the talk about open visitation comes up ill try keep my mind open to benefit the kids. 
If it reaches the point where its gonna happen ill make sure to have a talk with them before hand about it. If at any point it doesn't seem to be working out or seems harder on them I won't let it continue. 

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## 3Xnocharm

Yeah don’t let her come hang out at your house. Ever. If she wants an impromptu dinner with the kids on one of your nights, she can take them somewhere. 


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## Openminded

It’s possible that if things don’t work out with him you’ll become her Plan B. Letting her in your home is asking for trouble.


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## Personal

iaschneider5 said:


> Just in case anyone is interested this is the layout of her apartment. Just looked it up to see if they had a layout for it. 1,000sqft and $1475 a month.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


Which reminds me of this.


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Yeah don’t let her come hang out at your house. Ever. If she wants an impromptu dinner with the kids on one of your nights, she can take them somewhere.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah the more I'm thinking about it im not keen on the idea.Maybe just once to let her see what she missed out on! lol just kidding. 



Openminded said:


> It’s possible that if things don’t work out with him you’ll become her Plan B. Letting her in your home is asking for trouble.


Yeah she had her chance to fix it I tried and I would have but that door is closed and welded shut. No thanks. 



Personal said:


> Which reminds me of this.


Thats hilarious lmao! Its a decent size place on paper but from what I have seen just feels tight. Worst part being the kids all share the loft well besides the new one.


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## iaschneider5

So yesterday my ex ended up in the ER with her newborn. Some gastro thing but he's fine so no issues there. Ended up dropping the kids off late around 730 when she got home after she stopped for food. 
2 kids went to her house and the middle child went to grandmas. Now he never has stayed there by himself he always gets upset and comes back. I figured the same would happen but I was told to drop him off anyway. 

She will no longer take the 2 boys together since they just mess around not sleep and wake up early and she doesn't wanna deal with it, then my ex has to pick them up early and deal with them.

Anyway he got upset before I left and I said ok ill bring you back on the way he asked me if his brother was gonna go to grandmas instead which is what I was told the plan was. He was not happy (he was also tired since it was late) I asked him if he would be ok being at mommies by himself and he wasn't sure, I then asked him if since his brother was going to grandmas did he want to come back with me for the night.. I didn't think it just came out I was trying to just be there for whatever would help him relax in the situation. 

He said he didn't know so I just said lets just get back to mommies and see what happens I think you will be fine he said ok. His brother ended up staying with him anyway so all was good or so I thought.

When my ex told them time for bed the oldest boy decided to yell at her and say that he should have went to memes (grandma) and that he should have stayed with daddy. Keep in mind he wasn't the one that was staying at grandmas that night in the first place.

So she jumped down my throat and said that it was 100% my fault what was happening since they are way to involved in the adult situation and conversation and its ridiculous and I shouldn't have offered something that was absolutely not an option for him. 

On top of that there is no ore sleep overs allowed at grandmas and I think thats just mean but she doesn't wanna deal with the 2 boys and my ex doesn't wanna deal with them when she has to get them early from her house. 

sure maybe I shouldn't have said that but as I said that it just came out. oops, but I think her response to me is ridiculous and she's reflecting onto me whatever built up feelings she has about everything. Maybe im wrong


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## SunCMars

Luckily, children grow up.

Children are expensive.
Their antics are allows at somebody else's expense.

I cannot tell you which is worse.
Wild boys or wild girls.

Being a male, I would always pick and deal with boys.
Girls get pregnant, and it is ill advised to paddle them.


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## jlg07

She's yelling at you since you are her "easy" target. She was just too stressed out with the baby and the ER, and then the kids got on her last nerve.
Her yelling at YOU about it is BS, but she's human.
I hope YOU didn't take any blame in this. When she starts yelling, just tell her "Sorry you fired me from the job of listening to you complain".


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> She's yelling at you since you are her "easy" target. She was just too stressed out with the baby and the ER, and then the kids got on her last nerve.
> Her yelling at YOU about it is BS, but she's human.
> I hope YOU didn't take any blame in this. When she starts yelling, just tell her "Sorry you fired me from the job of listening to you complain".



Exactly and absolutely not! I told her basically same thing I understand she's tired and upset about her day but turn the s*** around and put it on someone else I'm not gonna deal with it. 

I might use that line next time though!


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## jlg07

Tell her about her complaining: "That's what your BF is for"


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## iaschneider5

Well she spoke to her lawyer yesterday so I was assuming I would know what her answer was to the kids lawyer custody proposal. Nope! 
She still wants the kids tonight until tomorrow night and I asked her if things are gonna be changing and she said "Idk right now" "idk what it even is you want" UGH

I feel like her lawyer is just playing games to make money at this point. The other day we got into it a bit and she was saying things but I will admit I was slightly enjoying it cause she was pissed off. Anyway she said she needs too get a new lawyer because he's F**** her S*** up. Oh and fun fact according to her she starting "dating" her "BF" on 11/01/2019.. Pregnant following month...


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## iaschneider5

I asked my ex what the point of the conversation with her lawyer was and she said idfk honestly and that he really didn't say anything. Unless she's lying to me. My lawyer called me with the same information Feb 4th!! This guy is a joke.

She did say she cant afford another lawyer is she's guesses she's screwed.


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## jlg07

So can't your lawyer force the issue at some point about the custody? I would start abiding by THAT agreement (even if SHE doesn't agree) -- just try to make it a de-facto process.
Hey, this is what the kids lawyer wants, so we need to abide by that. She has been stringing this along too long. As for her joke "start" dating, who cares at this point. Why bother even talking to her about it?


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## Marc878

You’d be better off taking yourself out of the equation. No contact is your best friend. 

Most will make excuses because of hopium, being a Mr Nice Guy or trying to control the situation (which you can only control your end). 

Communication is text or email, short and to the point, no interactions. Limit pickups/drop offs to 2-3 minutes, then LEAVE. Never go into her house or allow her into yours.

If you don’t YOU will keep yourself tied up in this. Self inflicted.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> So can't your lawyer force the issue at some point about the custody? I would start abiding by THAT agreement (even if SHE doesn't agree) -- just try to make it a de-facto process.
> Hey, this is what the kids lawyer wants, so we need to abide by that. She has been stringing this along too long. As for her joke "start" dating, who cares at this point. Why bother even talking to her about it?


I reached out to my lawyer today and we shall see what she says and go from there. Im tempted to just say it to her but I'm gonna wait. My ex doesn't know what it is yet, no one has told her and its been almost a month! 
I put quotations cause I don't think they were actually dating but idc. Idk how ti came up she was being pissy. I told her if she wants to talk about anything like that we can go sit down with someone which we need to anyway in terms of being better and more effective coparents. She "doesn't have the time" 



Marc878 said:


> You’d be better off taking yourself out of the equation. No contact is your best friend.
> 
> Most will make excuses because of hopium, being a Mr Nice Guy or trying to control the situation (which you can only control your end).
> 
> Communication is text or email, short and to the point, no interactions. Limit pickups/drop offs to 2-3 minutes, then LEAVE. Never go into her house or allow her into yours.
> 
> If you don’t YOU will keep yourself tied up in this. Self inflicted.


Ive been trying to keep everything short as I can. every here and there it drags on and now the school for my daughter has decided to open full time while the other 2 arnt yet... been talking back and forth on that because its caused bit of an issue. These schools have def having a hard time with it all. 

Drops offs are just that drops offs never long. I just want this divorce over, and he first step which is the custody which my lawyer should be simple if she just agrees which would be easiest choice but of course her lawyer cant even manage to tell her about it.


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## Marc878

No contact is easier than you think once you get into it. The good thing about text/email is you have a written record in black and white. There’s nothing you can’t email/text. You don’t have to talk about it. You just think you do.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> No contact is easier than you think once you get into it. The good thing about text/email is you have a written record in black and white. There’s nothing you can’t email/text. You don’t have to talk about it. You just think you do.


95% of conversation is facebook messenger or texting. I always snap a screenshot of any name calling or nastiness or just anything I think is important. I just looked out of curiosity and since november there has been just about 30 minutes of phone conversations between her and i but that includes times she has called for me to speak to our sons about their behavior which even on the low end would be 10 to 15 min of that. The majority of the calls are under a minute. Mostly "I'm here" when she's not repining to the texts when dropping kids off or whatever. The 11th there was a phone call for her birthday kids called her too. 

I do tell her to call when the kids arnt doing their work with her, sure I could let her suffer and del with it but then I have to suffer and the kids when they get here by having to double up the work and im trying to put an end to that.


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## Marc878

*This is your life and is totally up to you.*

I’m just giving you examples that I’ve see used successfully.

Under the circumstances I would move to 100%. Perfectly acceptable for the kids when with you to call her for her birthday. I sure wouldn’t especially under the circumstances.


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## iaschneider5

What about the whole not listening doing homework thing. Should I not be involved in that if there is an issue? 

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## iaschneider5

She usually calls and then puts them on the phone I don't really talk to her. 

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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> She usually calls and then puts them on the phone I don't really talk to her.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


Sounds ok for now but I’d have a talk with them. Something on the line of “she is their mom and you’re expected to treat her with respect when you’re with her“. 

Sounds like they are trying to play her off against you to get their way. Stop that!!!! 

You have smart kids. 😂 Never underestimate them.


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## iaschneider5

Oh I've had plenty of talks with them bit no matter what when they are with her they act up. That doesn't happen with me, sure they have their moments and get at each other here and there during the day but they will straight up tell her off. 
Tell her she's stupid and a bad mom, daddy says so etc etc. 

That never happens here and no I would never and haven't talked bad about her in front of them and both of us are always in good spirits when in front of them it's never nasty around drop off time. 

She will on occasion tell me some of the things that they have said or done when in front of me and you can see the reactions which are saying "oh S***)

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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Oh I've had plenty of talks with them bit no matter what when they are with her they act up. That doesn't happen with me, sure they have their moments and get at each other here and there during the day but they will straight up tell her off.
> Tell her she's stupid and a bad mom, daddy says so etc etc.
> 
> *I would inform her by email that is not the case. And she needs to call them on it versus having you fight her battles. It maybe necessary for you to have a meeting to enforce that even with a good therapist. (if you can find one). Short term limited contact to get to your goal of no contact.*
> 
> That never happens here and no I would never and haven't talked bad about her in front of them and both of us are always in good spirits when in front of them it's never nasty around drop off time.
> 
> *I believe you. Nice job on that. Now to figure out how to get them to stop playing you against your x. Sounds like she doesn’t know how to parent properly. And you may need to brush up your skills too.*
> 
> She will on occasion tell me some of the things that they have said or done when in front of me and you can see the reactions which are saying "oh S***)
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


After you’ve reassured her that this is BS from the kids maybe suggest she get some counseling to help her with this problem by email/text 😎. You can draft it in a positive Way. This needs to be her problem to resolve but when they are with you after an altercation like this I’d take away their electronics/TV, etc. Let them know it’s coming if they get out of line and enforce It when they do. Your wife has to do the same.

The goal is to get your kids inline so you live a better life.

With discipline this maybe an easy problem to resolve.


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## Blondilocks

You need to explain to your kids that telling lies on daddy is only going to get them in trouble with you.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> After you’ve reassured her that this is BS from the kids maybe suggest she get some counseling to help her with this problem by email/text 😎. You can draft it in a positive Way. This needs to be her problem to resolve but when they are with you after an altercation like this I’d take away their electronics/TV, etc. Let them know it’s coming if they get out of line and enforce It when they do. Your wife has to do the same.
> 
> The goal is to get your kids inline so you live a better life.
> 
> With discipline this maybe an easy problem to resolve.


She's knows its bs and tbh the last time was a few weeks ago. I did talk with them about it and so far so good. 
I have suggested Counseling to her many times for herself and even for us just to learn to be on the same page for the most part and be better coparents for the road ahead. Also when she starts rambling about other things I tell her if she wants to talk about this stuff I will gladly do so with a professional. I have no issue doing that. She always refuses or comes up with a reason why she cant. 

Discipline is fine at my house. Say my oldest acts up, he will lose Tablet time, tv or while the others are playing he will help me clean.. Load the dishwasher, get garbage out etc. Early on she tried to impose discipline for both places. Once she tried to says 3 weeks no tablets at my house because she tried to discipline them there and they got angry so she kept adding time. I said no way and we fought about it, she called me a bunch of names but lately she has been a bit calmer I will say. 

I could on and on but I think you get the point. 



Blondilocks said:


> You need to explain to your kids that telling lies on daddy is only going to get them in trouble with you.


I did and they get it, she called me on the phone the minute it happened. I think it was twice over the weeks. They just don't listen very well there. 
they have alway been better behaved for me even when together and I do remember reading an article that said kids are always more wale behaved with the father then the mother, IDK how much science is behind that but since the split they are worse for sure. 
i do offer help and suggestions and try to put myself out there to help with that aspect since it has to do with the kids and its just hurting them in the end, she would always end the conversation with "I got it" or "I dont need you help or suggestions" She has been a tad more open lately.


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## iaschneider5

So I asked my ex straight up what her and her lawyer spoke about on monday.. She was forthcoming about it. Not a damn thing! She made the appt to speak with him for a certain time and date and what does he do? Sets up an in person appt with her on another date.

There is a lawyer conference on the 1st and this guy made their meeting for after it! She admitted she is very frustrated with him but said she cant afford to hire a new lawyer.. well yet until she gets the tax return anyway.

I asked her what she wanted custody wise based on the current situations and what she felt was best for the kids. I said once school is back on and things are normal we can go back and reevaluate. All I read when i read her response was ME ME ME ME I I I I.. Maximize her time with them and again with if school was normal they would be in daycare and she's gonna put them in after school care on the days she's supposed to have them, they have been doing fine etc etc. 

I tried. I asked my lawyer if I should just tell her what the kids lawyer said and get this moving so we can know if she agrees or not now and what direction its headed just waiting on the response.


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## Marc878

Sounds like you control your time let her figure hers out but you will get 50/50. That’s an almost certainIndy nowdays.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Sounds like you control your time let her figure hers out but you will get 50/50. That’s an almost certainIndy nowdays.


Oh for the custody? well actually right now it would be a bit different. Ex wants more for her of course but the kids lawyer purposed sat night to tuesday night for her with first choice for me in terms of taking them when she's working monday and tuesday unless she's off. My lawyers added in letting he taking them on the national holidays when she's off. 

Im just off comp and home because of the school thing and she works full time. The kids are upset about being taken more by her and told the lawyer this. She thinks me having them more right now with being open to open visitation is what's best for them given the circumstances. once school is back to normal we can revisit and go from there.

Right now its a messy schedule that get dictated by my ex because its what she wants.. rotating days everyweek when she's off etc. 

Didn't even get into the homework not being done when they are with her and I have to play catch up. With me pestering her she has gotten a bit better but I have to do it each time they are with her everyday or its not done


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## Marc878

Document, document, document.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Document, document, document.


I do my best to screenshot. 
I have a bad habit of not deleting things so in my screenshot folder I have 5,825 pics. I'd say at least 30% are our conversations. 

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## iaschneider5

So my exes lawyer sent over her bank statements and mine set them over today and she's gonna call me later. She has court all day. 

I already knew she spent all the money but seeing it really makes my blood boil and seeing how she spent it.. There are some very large random deposits and withdrawals too but just to give a idea. 

When she left we had about $11,500. That was 09/15/19. Come tax time she had barely anything and she got little over $14k. Come august 2020 it was down to around 12k.

Jan 31st.. $682.00


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## jlg07

Wow -- I would guess some of that expenditure is to outfit a new place, no? But 25K seems like a LOT of spending.
Lucky for you -- not YOUR job to help/monitor her spending.


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## iaschneider5

Not my issue at all, I now see what she spent it on and while I'm not perfect in spending I def dont go as far as she does. 90% of anything I buy I need. 

Sucks though cause that 25k was supposed to be split according to my lawyer. And dont forget thats plus her $2500 a month net pay she gets. 

She did end up selling her car that we bought new after taking my pilot. She had an offer for 15400 and then sold it for 2k less because she was "embarrassed" to go back to the dealer after leaving smh. 

She ended up having to put out 9k to pay it off I believe. 

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## jlg07

Well when the D comes through if she owes you (Because some of that $$$ was joint) guess what -- SHE WILL HAVE to pay. They can dock her paycheck if necessary.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Well when the D comes through if she owes you (Because some of that $$$ was joint) guess what -- SHE WILL HAVE to pay. They can dock her paycheck if necessary.


I sure hope so. about 25k was joint not including this years taxes which will have to be amended since she already filed separately because her lawyer said she could.. Ya know the lawyer who is F***** her S*** up and she wishes she could fire.


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## iaschneider5

So lawyer called. Conference today and we have established how much was in account when she filed and last years taxes etc. She's gonna write up something this week and we are gonna send it to them. Her lawyer is just so out there he's not doing a damn thing. 

Trying to get this moving 
She wants me to read through the bank statements and see if anything pops out at me that shouldn't be there. She said I'm her paralegal now haha. 

Lets see if any news from the conference


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## Affaircare

Looking forward to hearing how it went, @iaschneider5


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## iaschneider5

Thanks,

So back on OCT 2020 I discovered a credit card payment to a discover card for $191. Wasn't me bank investigated and reversed it. 2 days ago I discovered there was another one for $60 to a chase card. I have a chase also so I missed it. Again wasn't mine. 

Today asked for my lawyer to send over the credit card statements for my ex. She used my account and made 2 payments. 

I had asked her about it when it happened for the discover and surprise surprise she lied. So she owes me $60


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## jlg07

At this point, why aren't all of your finances separated? You should see if you have any way of breaking out YOUR cc so that she has no access.

How did the conference go??


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> At this point, why aren't all of your finances separated? You should see if you have any way of breaking out YOUR cc so that she has no access.
> 
> How did the conference go??


This happened last year and the accounts were separate at that time. She entered the account number and routing number on the credit cards website and made payments. Her payments were declined I can see it all now. 

My credit cards are all in my name and she has no access but they are all maxed out anyway so have at it lol

My lawyer said she would call me if there was anything to share but she didn't expect anything to come up since he didn't even tell my e what the deal was. My lawyer is gone type up something tomorrow and she said by the end of the week it will be over to her lawyer. 

I have not contacted my ex about it since technically she owes me $60 and yes its not a lot but F*** it i want it back and Want her to know that I caught her lie about it.


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## iaschneider5

"I didn't know it went through your account obviously" smh.


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## iaschneider5

She always finds a way to annoy me even without contacting me. My lawyer was sent an email requesting documents to a lawsuit and a potential 250k plus settlement I got or that she believes is that much... It was a workers comp settlement that I was forced to do given the situation and believe me I wish it was close to 250k it was not. 

She's admitted she's trying to get half of my settlement but calls me ridiculous and childish for wanting half the tase and savings account. Fun times.


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## jlg07

What does your lawyer say about that?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> What does your lawyer say about that?


Well she asked me for what was asked for.

I provided a copy of my settlement paperwork. 

She has told me before that since I was hurt prior to the marriage she's not entitled to any of it. 

Pretty sure I asked my exes lawyer when I say down with him before she did about it and the said the same. 




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## iaschneider5

So. If anyone remembers around thanksgiving my ex mother in law had a coworker test positive for covid. She went and got tested monday the week of thanksgiving. 

My ex and her mother still decided to bring the kids around her that week. Friday she tested positive. I ended up having to quarantine for 2 weeks with them because of it, que covid scare #1.

Flash forward to yesterday. Kids got dropped off at 7am as usual, oldest complained his back hurt and within 30 mins his head hurt. He explained he slipped down the stairs at his moms apartment coming from the loft part. The place is a prison and made of concrete covered with carpet so it hurt I'm sure. We dropped his sister off at school since she started full days last week. 

We got back and he started up again real bad, he was burning up. called dr made appt. Test came back positive today for covid. His brother and sister burning up by the nights end. 

So turns out my exes new baby daddy lives with one or both of his daughters one of which has a baby who came in contact with someone with covid. According to what I have been told his test was negative, Baby daddy and my ex did not get tested. Again as like thanksgiving time she did not inform me of this. 

That was 2/26 for the negative test for the kid near new baby daddy. Saturday 03/06 my ex started getting cold symptoms did not say anything to me and took the kids anyway, did not get tested assumed it was just a cold. She was wrong. 

I am pissed that again she kept me out of the loop and put my kids and myself at risk at least in my eyes, and now covid is in my house because of it. 

Even better yesterday when I told her about the fever I said I was gonna take him to the dr and she said just give him motrin and send him to school, when he's there if they wanna get him tested then take him. I did not listen to her and got him tested anyway. My daughters class as been told to quarantine now and the kids on her afternoon bus along with what I assume the kids in their classes, bus driver teachers.... 

She kept insisting it was just a cold. was very rude about it until the positive result came back. Now she's super nice, even dropped off extra Motrin gatorade etc.


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## jlg07

Just ignore her -- you KNOW she's not a responsible person and honestly never will be. She's so caught up in HER that she really doesn't seem to be a good mother AT ALL.
Don't bother with her -- do the 180 with her.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Just ignore her -- you KNOW she's not a responsible person and honestly never will be. She's so caught up in HER that she really doesn't seem to be a good mother AT ALL.
> Don't bother with her -- do the 180 with her.


I'm just pissed she put us all at risk even her new baby when she should have just gotten a test and told me she had a cold. All because she cant give up "her time" with them. 

Almost considered telling my lawyer just to get it out there and she sees how irresponsible she is. Fuel on the fire for sure. 

Side note lawyer sent me rough draft of an agreement. Things are moving on my end.


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## jlg07

I would def tell the lawyer -- the problem is you probably do NOT have her recorded (voice or email/text) SAYING just take the kid to school, etc.. Not sure they could do much with all this, but it doesn't hurt to inform them.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> I would def tell the lawyer -- the problem is you probably do NOT have her recorded (voice or email/text) SAYING just take the kid to school, etc.. Not sure they could do much with all this, but it doesn't hurt to inform them.


Yeah its more of a look at this s*** type of deal. No exact words like that but there is this. 

Lots of her saying its just a cold etc.









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## Marc878

You were expecting more out of her?


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> You were expecting more out of her?


Guess I was hopeful she would have learned her lesson from the first time. But as usual she's in control and needed to do her thing. 

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## Beach123

So why haven’t you had sex for a year? What’s her excuse?
That’s unacceptable in any healthy marriage! 

Stop rug sweeping ALL your issues. Start talking about them. Either work out the issues or divorce her. There is SO many unhealthy aspects to your marriage you seriously need counseling help every week for a few years.

Are you both willing to make that commitment to counseling?

Do you work/earn money every month?


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## Beach123

iaschneider5 said:


> Guess I was hopeful she would have learned her lesson from the first time. But as usual she's in control and needed to do her thing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


She didn’t learn anything because there was no consequence - heck - you didn’t even discuss the issue!

You basically rewarded her bad behavior! That means she will cheat again and expect another round of easy forgiveness.
Stop being her doormat.


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## iaschneider5

Beach123 said:


> So why haven’t you had sex for a year? What’s her excuse?
> That’s unacceptable in any healthy marriage!
> 
> Stop rug sweeping ALL your issues. Start talking about them. Either work out the issues or divorce her. There is SO many unhealthy aspects to your marriage you seriously need counseling help every week for a few years.
> 
> Are you both willing to make that commitment to counseling?
> 
> Do you work/earn money every month?


Um I feel like you have read the beginning of this post which started in Oct of 2019 I believe. So much since then. 
Divorce was filed by her, she got pregnant by a coworker Dec 2019, divorce dragged on due to covid and her lawyer being useless. Mine currently is trying to move it along. 

Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

How are the kids feeling today?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> How are the kids feeling today?


Everyone is meh. No fevers today but grumpy and def out of it. Thanks for asking.

Her new baby and her are positive. Im sure I am too.


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## iaschneider5

Well Covid has all but passed for my ex and kids. Some lingering lack of taste effects for my ex. Me on the other hand started with fever on the 12th and here I am on the 23rd with barely any taste and smell which is a small improvement but I have a constant cough and chest tightness/shortness of breath. That will make it day 9 or 10 of these symptoms. Yay me. 

Told my ex that If I die because of her giving me covid I will haunt her for the rest of her life.. At least i haven't lost my sense of humor.. and just like with the last covid issue started by her she has been super nice besides when i asked about the stimulus. She filed taxes separately so she didn't get mine but I asked if she would split the kids portion and she said "Idk".

Heres to hoping I can breath normally again soon or at the very least it doesn't get worse and maybe just maybe I can taste something besides cardboard in my mouth again in the near future. 

I did inform my lawyer of the events and how it started. She said she will document it with my exes lawyer and that it was completely irresponsible on her part.


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## iaschneider5

Small update. She won't split the kids part of stimulus surprise surprise and she didn't get mine. 

Her lawyer wants a deposition so that's setup, my lawyer doesn't know why he's bothering but has some ideas of why. 

Kids lawyer wants to meet with them again, my lawyer says she's completely on my side.

My lawyer has drafted an agreement that I have seen and she's putting the finishing touches on to send over, My ex wont agree but it will get things moving hopefully.


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## iaschneider5

Well for anyone who takes a peak at this, My agreement has been sent. No support but shes pays 100% off medical premiums and clothes. Money towards me and if she doesn't pay within a year its a judgement. Custody 3 days her rest me pretty much and that's the kids lawyer saying that not me or my lawyer. 

My ex and her mother were talking to the kids about different types of schedules since they are complaining they don't like the current one. I dont feel they should have done that but its done now. 

I asked her about it and she confirmed it which started another conversation... Monday and tuesday instead of dropping them off in the mornings she will keep them for the day.. That raised some questions for me then Wed got added in and I didn't get much more but I think shes having an issue with her job. Either medical or something else and I think she may be done. 

Its concerning to me for many reasons, will she try fight me now and try to get support?, If shes done working she will have to move of course. I doubt she can go back to her parents it was tight with just the 4 of them now there's 5th plus 3 other adults. The house is 1100sqft. 
If she moves out of district I doubt we can get away with using the parents address anymore for school they were suspicious before and someone I know told me about his friend who lived out of district in this school district and they hired a PI to follow him. He was using his elderly parents address. 

Although my school district isn't the best id prefer them to go to mine then one thats shes just renting in if she moves out of the one they are in which is the better one in the area.. for high school anyone all the elementary schools are rated low.


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## Chuck71

So everything is done? If so.... how do you feel about how it played out?


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> So everything is done? If so.... how do you feel about how it played out?


Oh sorry for the confusion not done yet! That's just what was in my agreement. My lawyer says this is what it should be and if the tables were turned this is what he would be sending of not more. 

No response yet from her or her lawyer, I doubt she even got it yet. 

I'm just concerned about the her not working now, I don't have all the details but so far 3 days she will not be working anymore. 

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## iaschneider5

UPDATE! 

So she finally responded to the agreement sent over by my lawyer. 

Changes. She added in she wants her wedding ring back. (she did agree to sell and split with me at one point)

Part of the money that was to be given to me it was put that she has 15 days to pay, 1 year for another. For the one that had 15 days she changed it to 180 days. I have a feeling she will just try file for chapter 13 and get it taken away so she doesn't have to pay.

She changed the tax return around on how the kids get claimed 

Most importantly she wants the kids schedule to stay the same which means she will still get them on her floating days off which route every week Mon-sat plus sat through Tuesday would be the normal days. I thought no changes to that could be made because the kids lawyer. 

Called my lawyer she has court but gonna try calm after. Feel free to give any thoughts on it. Thanks


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## iaschneider5

I think in terms of the ring Im gonna ask that I can just sell it and put whatever I get towards what owes me.

Custody I thought couldn't be changed, not sure if her lawyer told her that was what the kids lawyer came up with. 
These kids are suffering and crying to me how much they hate it. Constantly asking me to stay here and not wanting to go back and forth. it hurts me to watch them suffer over it.

Not to mention them crying in my arms telling me how mommy is mean to them etc etc.


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## Sfort

iaschneider5 said:


> Changes. She added in she wants her wedding ring back. (she did agree to sell and split with me at one point)


In most states, the majority view is that the wedding ring is a gift. You are not entitled to get it back. If she chooses to gift or share it with you, that's her decision, not yours. (Disregard if your state is different.)


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## Sfort

iaschneider5 said:


> Not to mention them crying in my arms telling me how mommy is mean to them etc etc.


I don't know what "etc etc" means in your case, but if things are as bad as they seem, after the divorce is final, move for sole custody.


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## iaschneider5

Sfort said:


> In most states, the majority view is that the wedding ring is a gift. You are not entitled to get it back. If she chooses to gift or share it with you, that's her decision, not yours. (Disregard if your state is different.)


In NY I believe it was the same. I was just hoping to get her to agree to it given that I still have it and she owes me a bunch of money. As I said I think shes gonna try file for bankruptcy once the ink is dry to get out of paying me. 
She claims shes broke again though so not sure how she can afford it. 



Sfort said:


> I don't know what "etc etc" means in your case, but if things are as bad as they seem, after the divorce is final, move for sole custody.


Well what I mean is just complaints about being there, they don't have any fun, they are tired of the back and forth, tired of the early morning wake ups. They complain that she pays more attention to the new baby instead of them and to a degree I understand babies need attention but I can give you one example I experienced myself. 
I was there dropping them off, they walked in to the door and said hi to her she said hi back, the baby was on some sort of bean bag looking thing on the couch that keeps him propped up. She walks over to him picks him up and sits with him on the couch. Starts talking to him holding him up and all that. mean while the kids that haven't seen her in a few days are continuously hugging me so don't leave so quickly and when I finally do stop the hugs they all went away from her to play while shes still paying attention to the baby. They notice this stuff and they bring it up to me often.


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## 3Xnocharm

If the kids have a lawyer, they need to make it known what they want. They should do that anyway, they sound very unhappy and this one issue should be everyone’s primary concern. Those kids and their well being is top priority. 


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## Sfort

iaschneider5 said:


> she owes me a bunch of money


Maybe, maybe not. She owes what the court says she owes. You may find out that you owe HER a bunch of money.


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> If the kids have a lawyer, they need to make it known what they want. They should do that anyway, they sound very unhappy and this one issue should be everyone’s primary concern. Those kids and their well being is top priority.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thats the thing the kids lawyer has already made it known what she thinks the schedule should be. Keeping the extra floating day in there goes against it so either they are hoping I agree and it be allowed or my exes lawyer didn't tell her the the schedule purposed was from the kids lawyer not me. 

The kids are very unhappy with it all. They don't even like the early morning drop offs at 7am Monday and Tuesday but that will continue. 

Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Sfort said:


> Maybe, maybe not. She owes with the court says she owes. You may find out that you owe HER a bunch of money.


It's already been determined what she owes me. When she left she took the savings, that years tax return, this years tax return plus didn't split the kids stimulus. 

In the agreement she is to give me $17,600. She didn't try to change that. What she did is try to extend the time she has to pay some of it. 5100 was in 15 days. The rest in a year. She wants 180 days for the 5100. 

I believe she will just try file bankruptcy so she doesn't have to pay. But she is willing to sign the agreement stating she owes me that amount. 

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## Sfort

iaschneider5 said:


> It's already been determined what she owes me.


That's good. I was not aware that you already had an agreement with her. Do you know if her debt is dischargeable under the bankruptcy code?


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## Evinrude58

Courts don’t care about justice. You’re right. She’s going to stiff you and get away with stealing from you by filing bankruptcy. I’m sorry. Your wife has shown her character. Take solace in the fact that you are somewhat free of her now. You can make back the money. You can’t get back the time you wasted on her. My sympathies in what you’re going through.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Thats the thing the kids lawyer has already made it known what she thinks the schedule should be. Keeping the extra floating day in there goes against it so either they are hoping I agree and it be allowed or my exes lawyer didn't tell her the the schedule purposed was from the kids lawyer not me.
> 
> The kids are very unhappy with it all. They don't even like the early morning drop offs at 7am Monday and Tuesday but that will continue.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


Then stick with what YOU and the kids are comfortable with. SHE needs to make the accommodations, not your children. I would just restate that you will stick with the plan that the children's lawyer came up with.

Also, not sure why you would agree with her for changing the schedule she needs to pay you, esp since that was directed by the court, yes? If so, again, no changes. Esp. if this type of debt she owes you could be wiped out by bankruptcy (check with your lawyer on that one..).


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## iaschneider5

Sfort said:


> That's good. I was not aware that you already had an agreement with her. Do you know if her debt is dischargeable under the bankruptcy code?


From what i understand it may be able to be discharged in chapter 13 but from what I understand its quite costly and shimmy still have to repay some of it. According to her shes broke even though she just got around 15-17k this year from taxes and stimulus. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Courts don’t care about justice. You’re right. She’s going to stiff you and get away with stealing from you by filing bankruptcy. I’m sorry. Your wife has shown her character. Take solace in the fact that you are somewhat free of her now. You can make back the money. You can’t get back the time you wasted on her. My sympathies in what you’re going through.


I just want this done at this point but I'm not gonna give into anything do to with the kids. 



jlg07 said:


> Then stick with what YOU and the kids are comfortable with. SHE needs to make the accommodations, not your children. I would just restate that you will stick with the plan that the children's lawyer came up with.
> 
> Also, not sure why you would agree with her for changing the schedule she needs to pay you, esp since that was directed by the court, yes? If so, again, no changes. Esp. if this type of debt she owes you could be wiped out by bankruptcy (check with your lawyer on that one..).


I am going to stick to my guns and if she wants to fight it out then I will spend every dollar I have making sure the kids don't have to deal with that bs schedule. She says its just me that wants it changed but that's not true. 

Nothing has been in court yet, this was an agreement that my lawyer came up with and today i was sent their response. Mostly everything was the same besides her adding in she keeps the floating day off so kids go night before then back the next day, she wants her wedding ring back, and the changes to the repayment schedule which I think is to give her time to file bankruptcy. 

Heres was got me nervous at the moment. I think I mentioned before that she said she will not be working mon, tues, and wed coming up. She wouldn't answer any other questions about it. 

Again I asked her since she just said she still wants her floating days off with the kids. Why still want the floating day if not working? I asked her if it will change the floating day off she said no, Will it change the housing situation for her ($1500 apartment) again no. I asked will she be working at all.. she doesn't want to have this conversation right now..
When I asked.. When the time comes..
I said I didn't think the timing mattered she said she doesn't think her life plans and health issues are 100% of my business right now. Fair enough besides when it effects kids I think anyway. 

Seems like shes not gonna be working coming up. So begs the questions how can she stay in her expensive 1 bedroom apartment? Why keep the kids for a floating day off that your not actually off? Will she come after me for child support now or try? 

Sorry ranting nerves are at me


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## Evinrude58

Typically the answer is YES. Sorry.


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## Chuck71

She will file 13...... bet the farm


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> Typically the answer is YES. Sorry.


I'm wondering we can do a child support waiver to stop her from coming after me but I doubt she would sign it even though I was "disgusting" for wanting any from her When I was going into massive debt. 



Chuck71 said:


> She will file 13...... bet the farm


Yup which blows. but right now I'm more concerned about the schedule. Part of me just wants to take her to court for full custody because I don't see this going well either way. or maybe get this signed then take her to family court then i can get a free lawyer.


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## Sfort

Your state provides free lawyers?


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## Trident

Sfort said:


> Your state provides free lawyers?


Lots of states do. It's called "Legal Aid" here in NY. Of course your income needs to be below the threshold.


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## iaschneider5

Sfort said:


> Your state provides free lawyers?


Yes for family court. Not for the divorce. I see this becoming messier then it already is either way. I am not letting my kids go back and forth on rotating days anymore it drives them insane. me too


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> I'm wondering we can do a child support waiver to stop her from coming after me but I doubt she would sign it even though I was "disgusting" for wanting any from her When I was going into massive debt.
> 
> 
> 
> Yup which blows. but right now I'm more concerned about the schedule. Part of me just wants to take her to court for full custody because I don't see this going well either way. or maybe get this signed then take her to family court then i can get a free lawyer.



Tie up her filing for 13 until you are paid. This will uncover her scheme. You can do this in my state, not sure about NY.

The 15 to 180 days shows her hand. Use the ring as leverage. A D is a war..... act accordingly.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Tie up her filing for 13 until you are paid. This will uncover her scheme. You can do this in my state, not sure about NY.
> 
> The 15 to 180 days shows her hand. Use the ring as leverage. A D is a war..... act accordingly.


How can I do that? 

Yeah and its not even for the larger amount. I know what makes if she doesn't have the money now shes not gonna have it then. The larger amount is a year to be paid back but hey if I get the smaller amount i guess that a win as long as shes pissed off lol. 

Right now I see 2 options after thinking this over. Bring her to court and go for full custody which at the very least would make the schedule better for the kids and then she can't come at me for support which would take most of what income i get. 

Or try have the agreement adjusted. See right now it says no support for either person and a 60/40 split on everything else the 60 being her portion. It states that if there is a 15% change in anyones income we can petition to have it changed. 

If we sign the agreement this week and she goes out on say disability retirement the following week her income will go from 53k to about 15k I believe. I see her taking me to court for the support but If i can have it changed to represent her income that's coming up she cant change it. Trying to play chess here thinking long term. 

I didn't want it to be war but alas its getting there. Very close to the first shot being fired. I can say this if that happens she will be Japan and I will be the U.S.!


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## Evinrude58

Sir, you need to get an attorney that will get you full custody of possible and get the best agreement possible for you. If you Try to do the right thing, you’re going to get pooped on in the worst way. You can always help her however you choose. But don’t let her put you in a bind with the law which already favors her.
This is a war, and if you don’t think so, you are losing it already.


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## iaschneider5

I have an attorney and shes very good. She always said no reason to go to court and the goal has been a good schedule for the kids and 50/50 custody. 

Spoke to her today. She can put wording in about the support that will protect me basically in a few different situations. If my ex files for bankruptcy she said most likely it wouldn't get discharged but maybe reduced at its worse but chapter 13 isn't as easy as she may think to get rid of debt. 

She is passing along what my ex is requesting for schedule to the kids lawyer and we are gonna see what she says.

She did say that maybe it has come to a point where we need to go to court since she doesn't wanna move. 

Asked my ex today if she has inquired about life insurance, she said no and shes not sure she can get it now. Apparently beyond her RA she has been diagnosed with something else but she has yet to tell me what it is. Something that is severely impacting her life and job. All she said is the diagnosis isn't looking good for her.


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## 3Xnocharm

You need to push for full custody. Your kids are miserable. Their mother doesn’t even have proper room for them, what kind of living conditions is a one bedroom apartment when she has two kids and an infant?? It’s ridiculous. Your kids deserve a real home, with a parent who makes them feel wanted. Stop negotiating with her, at this point you are getting nowhere and she isn’t looking out for your kids. 


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## iaschneider5

Well I finally got an answer. The Dr. thinks my ex has MS. She will find out more next week


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> You need to push for full custody. Your kids are miserable. Their mother doesn’t even have proper room for them, what kind of living conditions is a one bedroom apartment when she has two kids and an infant?? It’s ridiculous. Your kids deserve a real home, with a latent who makes them feel wanted. Stop negotiating with her, at this point you are getting nowhere and she isn’t looking out for your kids.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah I'm kind at that point. My lawyer said that's pretty much where it's at. She was trying to save me the costs of having to do it because she said things can always be brought to family court where id get a free lawyer. 
At this point its best to just get it done.


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## 3Xnocharm

iaschneider5 said:


> Well I finally got an answer. The Dr. thinks my ex has MS. She will find out more next week


I’m sorry to hear this. While this is a rough thing to be faced with, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of her life. If they have caught it early, there are meds that can help her live almost normally. I used to work with a lady who had it and other than some tired days, you’d never guess she had anything. Her biggest complaint was that she had to take meds. 


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## iaschneider5

Yeah it sucks for sure, I'm hopeful it's something different just for her sake anyway. I guess she has been dealing with new symptoms for few months and she had a fall at work the other day which I saw her leg after it happened and it was messed up. Guess that's what's leading them to make this diagnosis. 

Guess we shall see how it goes and if this affects anything in terms of the divorce. I know her RA has attacked her fairly quickly so if it is MS I am hopeful that isn't the case this time around. 

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## iaschneider5

Kids lawyer responded to what my ex sent back.. 
"The changes seem to address the concerns of the mother, but will make it more disruptive for my clients as opposed to a set schedule without the "floating day". 

She went on to say all three wanted more time with means wanted to know how frequently the floating day would take time away from me. 

My lawyer is sending my response to her and she also told her to reach out to me directly if she has anymore questions. 
I just explained its the same schedule has it is now and its madness.. didn't use the word madness.


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## iaschneider5

Ex texted me today, she was mad that she will be denied heap for her electric bill because I claim the 3 kids to get food stamps, I hate that I needed them but I do. One day I will change that. 
She was quite pissy about it but not sure she wanted from me besides to complain. Ended up talking about the agreement and she was trying to get me to agree to a schedule and I stuck to my guns and told her I'm sorry for what's shes going through but most of whats happening is because of her choices. Besides the medical issues of course. 

It became clear to me today that she has now reached the bottom of the hole she was digging herself in. Shes pissed her lawyer wants more money now to continue, she claims she has spent every penny she got from the tax return and stimulus ( somewhere around 17 -20k if I had to guess) thats since end of January or whenever she got the taxes back. 

She does not want to agree to the custody agreement set by the kids lawyer and what my lawyer added giving her more the week just no overnights that would change every week. If I could post the screenshots I would, she was not happy with what I was saying since I wasn't giving in. Conference the 17th and we shall see how it goes.. I'm fully prepared and expecting to just bring it to court as much as I wanted to avoid it. 

One positive she finally has her life insurance medical exam next week so that will be good and her MRI isn't showing what the drs were looking for for MS so its not that supposedly, going to see a specialist in NYC this month. I do wish her well medically but I can't worry too much about what's happening with the other stuff unless it has to do with the kids.


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## 3Xnocharm

Stop engaging and “negotiating” with her. Go for full custody. Your arrangement sounds insane and your kids are unhappy. She isn’t your priority, the kids are. I hope the conference is productive but I think you’re going to need court. 


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Stop engaging and “negotiating” with her. Go for full custody. Your arrangement sounds insane and your kids are unhappy. She isn’t your priority, the kids are. I hope the conference is productive but I think you’re going to need court.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I wasn't negotiating but she was trying to. I basically told her off bit nicely, told her the mess she's in is her fault and no one else's stuff like that. Told her I tried to mediate she didn't want to. If she has a suggestion she can talk to her lawyer who will relay it to mine who will then give it to the kids. She accused me of manipulating the kids into saying they wanna be here stuff like that. I shut her down and that was it. After my last message to her basically telling her to **** off without actually saying it she messaged me about an update on the issue my son had at school... oh fun times the school never blocked YouTube and he's been watching lots of videos during class. Clicked on over 70 last Friday everything from diy crafts, hotwheels, legos, killer clowns and girls stripping.. oh to be young and have the internet at your fingertips! 

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## iaschneider5

Her lawyer postponed because all of a sudden he has a court date... Part of me thinks he's just trying to stall and hopes I agree to the change she put forward since he knows shes doesn't have any money. Now its in July ughhhhh!!

Waiting to hear back from my lawyer about what she recommends now.


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## Evinrude58

Good luck. I hope you get the kids fill time


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> Good luck. I hope you get the kids fill time


Thanks! Yeah I think thats my plan now. I did make a counter offer which is her just being able to keep her long weekend but mostly with me but I doubt she will agree. 

Shes pissed I claim the kids benefits and she can't and since shes not working shes "Broke" I think shes trying to get as much time as she can then once its over she will bring me to family court and try make it so she can claim them and maybe even try for full custody.


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## 3Xnocharm

iaschneider5 said:


> Thanks! Yeah I think thats my plan now. I did make a counter offer which is her just being able to keep her long weekend but mostly with me but I doubt she will agree.
> 
> Shes pissed I claim the kids benefits and she can't and since shes not working shes "Broke" I think shes trying to get as much time as she can then once its over she will bring me to family court and try make it so she can claim them and maybe even try for full custody.


Remind us how old your kids are? She could try but I don’t see the courts making that ruling for her to have full custody when this is not what the children want. 


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Remind us how old your kids are? She could try but I don’t see the courts making that ruling for her to have full custody when this is not what the children want.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


They are 5, 8 and 9. The lawyer says all 3 want more time with me. Of course for my daughter it's tougher to gauge as she's younger but that's what they say. I was trying to avoid court because I dont really have the money for it. 
I just feel like if I agreed to what she wants she will take me to court and say "I have them more" she already likes to say that. 
Now with her job thing coming into play she may not even be working idk. 

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## iaschneider5

From what I was told if she tried to make a case for full custody her living situation would come into play along with the new baby. I'm not sure how to living situation is gonna play out, she says she is getting some insurance so she won't be moving but i don't see that ending well.


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## Chuck71

Your XW tries more angles than Tony Hawk.......

Solidify things with attorney, go for full custody.

God knows she will try anything to grab $3.18 from you 

Inform your attorney about her impending Chapter 13.

Don't be shocked if she goes Chapter 7.

She truly has "nothing to lose"


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## Chuck71

A judge can place a hold on things or put in stipulations to make it less likely for the other party to try and

avoid repayment as so ordered by the judge. That's what they are there for.

But.... even if the judge places something in writing, your XW will either go workers comp or file for SSDI.

You could have her at a 9k ft. cliff and she would still refuse to pay.

Get what you can NOW. After it is final, a druglord won't be able to shake four dimes from her.

If the judge places no stipulations....she will go Chapter 13 and you will get $22.15 each month.

If she owns nothing in her name, she will go Chapter 7. You will see nothing.

And she will go workers comp / SSDI even if stipulations are placed......this will also be her path if you

obtain full custody of the children. 

Another reason to seek full custody.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> A judge can place a hold on things or put in stipulations to make it less likely for the other party to try and
> 
> avoid repayment as so ordered by the judge. That's what they are there for.
> 
> But.... even if the judge places something in writing, your XW will either go workers comp or file for SSDI.
> 
> You could have her at a 9k ft. cliff and she would still refuse to pay.
> 
> Get what you can NOW. After it is final, a druglord won't be able to shake four dimes from her.
> 
> If the judge places no stipulations....she will go Chapter 13 and you will get $22.15 each month.
> 
> If she owns nothing in her name, she will go Chapter 7. You will see nothing.
> 
> And she will go workers comp / SSDI even if stipulations are placed......this will also be her path if you
> 
> obtain full custody of the children.
> 
> Another reason to seek full custody.


In terms of her working well not working I believe she will file for disibilty retirement. She will get 40% of her base pay and be able to work somewhere else that won't be so hard on her or whatever she chooses to do.
She told me yesterday that she is gonna get some disability insurance which is why supposedly she wont be moving. 

Shes broke, she has spent all the tax money and stimulus from this year and whatever she made. I kinda yelled at her yesterday to file the disability claim for the car loan since the payment is coming up. Im not paying for that!! 

The only stuff she has are the car which has a loan, If she doesn't go back to work it should be paid off.. Currently loan is around 25k.. Value of it is maybe 27 to 30? Car valves are nuts right now. I don't expect to get a dime from her really its all about the kids right now. 

I made one offer in response to hers. Her Sunday to tuesday night. Me tuesday night until sat night and she keeps her long weekend. So every 4 to 5 weeks she will get Friday to Tuesday when she's off fri and Saturday. If she doesn't agree then its court. 

Im 99% sure the reason she wants to keep it to this schedule is to bring me to court after and try say she has them more. She wants child support and to claim them for benefits. Im not sure if she can do that but I think she would try. 

In NY chapter 7 doesn't erase divorce debt she would have to do 13. Its a 3 to 5 year repayment schedule. Not sure how well it would work for her. My lawyer used to do bankruptcy years ago and she said she will have a very hard time doing it. Still I dont expect to see a dime. Maybe we her large tax returns at some point. Would be nice!


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## Chuck71

WOW..... did not know that about Ch. 7 and debt in NY!!

Okay..... attempt full custody. BUT..... for the x # of years, YOU claim all three kids because you are 99% certain

you will never see a dime from her.

If you are legally separated, and she was using your credit card to pay her bills, 

I would file charges against her for theft and have her ass thrown in jail.

Could be a nice negotiation weapon.


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## Marc878

Poor muffin. Ignore her and let her problems be her problems.


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## iaschneider5

She never used my cards what she used to survive was the last 2 years tax return, our savings that she took when she left and the kids stimulus this year that she didn't split. 

She just keeps digging deeper and deeper. And while I don't have alot I do have a house I bought with my mother and my older truck bought with cash. 

My bankruptcy will clear my debt already spoke to a lawyer about it. 

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## iaschneider5

So... My ex has said she agrees to my custody proposal. She has told her lawyer but they have yet to reach out to mine. Im very surprised she has agreed. I think its a good compromise. 3 days her 4 me with her getting a long 5 day stretch every 5 weeks. It will change anyway. Once her lawyer reaches out this will be done!!! Or if i have mine call hers. 

So her health is not improving, Drs do not know what is wrong, but believe its still MS. Spinal tap will most likely be next. She will most likely not be returning to work. 

Fun fact for the evening, 5 people in the last 2 months have told me they see us getting back together. Main reason being 3 kids together and our lives will be exceedingly difficult apart vs together. I politely told them to go f*** themselves. 

One friend told me she sees her trying attempting to try get back to me based on the way her life is going, health issues and realizing how f***ed she is.. the next day my ex literarily offered to come over and help me sort through clothes and the boxes of toys i currently have in the garage. No I did not take her up on the offer even though I wouldn't mind the help cause I am going a bit crazy given all the things I'm trying to get done. 

I did end up asking her about moving south. Her parents want to, I want to and my ex wants to. I figured it would be a good time to bring it up given her health issues and we are in a very expensive state. It would be a family move I suppose but separate. Only complication is her new ex baby daddy. To her credit she was very open to the conversation and pretty forthcoming with information. Her parents and myself would make a small fortune if we sold our houses now as this market is nuts. House down the street just sold for 50k above asking. Its smaller then mine, needs more work then mine did and was listed for $36,000 more then I got mine for! 

Yes I know it seems silly to make a move like that but its def the right move long term to get out of this expensive state, especially for my ex who its looking more and more likely is gonna end up on disability retirement from her job. 

What a tangled web I am in... fml With a light at the end of the divorce tunnel kinda of showing it does give me a small bit of relief but makes me wonder why it was so easy and what does she have planned... I tend to fear the worst in most situations lately. Should I just be happy or stick to my gut that it isn't gonna be so easy even if the paperwork is signed...?


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## jlg07

Sounds like she was basically forced into "agreeing" to the new plan for the kids -- and I think the kids lawyers had a TON to do with that. I'm sure the health issues weigh on her mind also. She has a baby to care for and more kids added on top of her health? Yeah, probably some self-preservation that finally kicked in to make her agree with it. EITHER way, and for whatever reason, it's better for your kids, so put one in the "good" win pile.

As for a move south -- do you have jobs down there for you? Are you ALL going to move to the same town/city/state? Could complicate things in terms of timing (like all having to move at the same time, or being able to move on your OWN schedule) - either way, as long as it's documented and agreed through the lawyers, you should be covered.

Also, if it is YOUR house you will sell, just make sure it's cleat that SHE gets nothing from that.... (IIRC you are in NY, Dutchess? Yeah the housing market is crazy -- house prices have gone up something like 49% in the past year.)


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Sounds like she was basically forced into "agreeing" to the new plan for the kids -- and I think the kids lawyers had a TON to do with that. I'm sure the health issues weigh on her mind also. She has a baby to care for and more kids added on top of her health? Yeah, probably some self-preservation that finally kicked in to make her agree with it. EITHER way, and for whatever reason, it's better for your kids, so put one in the "good" win pile.
> 
> As for a move south -- do you have jobs down there for you? Are you ALL going to move to the same town/city/state? Could complicate things in terms of timing (like all having to move at the same time, or being able to move on your OWN schedule) - either way, as long as it's documented and agreed through the lawyers, you should be covered.
> 
> Also, if it is YOUR house you will sell, just make sure it's cleat that SHE gets nothing from that.... (IIRC you are in NY, Dutchess? Yeah the housing market is crazy -- house prices have gone up something like 49% in the past year.)


Yeh im def trying to keep it as a win in my head but again I can't help thinking that something will come but I mean im way better off then she is at the moment either way so im not sure what she can do and we have both discussed it that its best to get this done and given how complicated our lives are we should be able to work together. She has her small moments but everyone does but she has done a complete 180 in terms of her attitude towards me which i am happy about for the simple fact we have kids we need to be able to communicate with one another without fighting. I thing in the end its the best outcome vs fighting over everything. 

And sure I could have take her to court and probably get full custody but what does that solve? Nothing at the moment, and if she ends up getting worse it will most likely happen anyway. 

Moving would be complicated either way but I think in order for it to work her and I would have to at least move at the same time, Part of me is willing to assist her if needed just to get it done but again the new ex is an issue. Oh I forgot to mention when we had a conversation the other dat for over an hour for some reason it was mostly about the kids but we touched the subject of moving and she said "If it was me that just bought a house I wouldn't put to much into it if I had plans to move in maybe a year or 2" She knows I have some work to do here and some things I wanna do to it. Shes vague on purpose. Idk if its just a game shes playing or shes trying to say it without saying it about moving. 
her mom said shes vague with her also. I think shes trying to hold onto whatever she can any secrets or whatever.

No jobs lined up but I also don't have anything here either, haven't worked since i got hurt and im currently trying to figure out what to do so moving or not its gotta happen. She will most likely end up on disability retirement so it won't matter her money will just go further down there. 

Yup Dutchess its def crazy around here I got lucky when I got this. jumped on it undertone radar and now the prices are even higher. I got the house after the divorce was filed and its in the paperwork she has no claim so i should be covered. This sounds stupid bit at the end of the day ill help pay for the damn moving truck for her If I have to if it means I get to leave the land of taxes. 
When I bought the place taxes were around $8600 right now not even a year later im looking at $9200!! 
My dad is in SC and he's got more house, about 2.63 acres more and his taxes are $2300!!


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## Chuck71

Yes....moving may be a suitable solution. I once thought of moving to the Pittsburgh area and the homes were OMG

lower priced. Then.... LOL I learned of the taxes. Damn!!! I can't recall but I think you settled on your work injury.

If that is so, moving to SC or another Southern state would be a good choice. Much lower cost of living. But if you are

still receiving monthly from injury, I'm pretty sure they re-calculate it when you move out of state. But again, I think you

settled for lump sum. The reason we pushed for full custody was for several reasons but one was your statement

about how miserable they were while at her place.

You are correct.... even WW or WH every now and then can speak with clarity. Says volumes that her parents think

highly of you. You're a man of character. 

The only drawback to living in the South is much lower wages. But that ties in with cost of living. Many people from NY

and other states surrounding sell their homes for $750k and move to the burbs of a large city in South. Buy same size home for

$250k. Prices vary of course due to housing market rise. But be wary, everyone was in this same situation 20

years ago. The housing collapse would have been bad but Alan Greenspan came along with the ARM in 2003.

It was like trying to put out a forest fire by urinating on it. Then came 2007-08 and we all recall that.

This is a time for selling..... rent something in SC and wait a few years. Then you can grab a home on the cheap.

My W says the market will hemorrhage within a year. I think 24-30 months. The banks want to get their money

from as many sells as possible. Another bail-out? I have my thoughts.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Yes....moving may be a suitable solution. I once thought of moving to the Pittsburgh area and the homes were OMG
> 
> lower priced. Then.... LOL I learned of the taxes. Damn!!! I can't recall but I think you settled on your work injury.
> 
> If that is so, moving to SC or another Southern state would be a good choice. Much lower cost of living. But if you are
> 
> still receiving monthly from injury, I'm pretty sure they re-calculate it when you move out of state. But again, I think you
> 
> settled for lump sum. The reason we pushed for full custody was for several reasons but one was your statement
> 
> about how miserable they were while at her place.
> 
> You are correct.... even WW or WH every now and then can speak with clarity. Says volumes that her parents think
> 
> highly of you. You're a man of character.
> 
> The only drawback to living in the South is much lower wages. But that ties in with cost of living. Many people from NY
> 
> and other states surrounding sell their homes for $750k and move to the burbs of a large city in South. Buy same size home for
> 
> $250k. Prices vary of course due to housing market rise. But be wary, everyone was in this same situation 20
> 
> years ago. The housing collapse would have been bad but Alan Greenspan came along with the ARM in 2003.
> 
> It was like trying to put out a forest fire by urinating on it. Then came 2007-08 and we all recall that.
> 
> This is a time for selling..... rent something in SC and wait a few years. Then you can grab a home on the cheap.
> 
> My W says the market will hemorrhage within a year. I think 24-30 months. The banks want to get their money
> 
> from as many sells as possible. Another bail-out? I have my thoughts.


Yeah the taxes here are killer and I guess were I am is the only town that doesn't go by 100% of the value they use 50% so the rates are higher. Id just like to pay less in taxes and at this point if I sold here id have enough to buy 2 or even 3 houses from what I see! Could rent the other ones out. Just a thought. 

I did settle I had no choice, she tried to get half but it didn't work, she said she I wasn't going to a dime of what she had taken yet she owes me $17,600 and agreed to it. Ill never see it but still. 

Her dad has never had any issues, in fact if he ever catches me alone for even a few minutes like the other day when I dropped off helmets and scooters he will start up talking to me and he basically talks sh** about his wife without talking doing it if that makes sense. Shes a spender and they don't have it to spend. Her mom is 50/50 but she def blabs a bit more then she should when its just me around her. Shes a drama queen though. 

This divorce seems to have an end in sight but Im very curious as to why my ex has done a 180 with her attitude. If it was 80/20 before 80 attitude and 20 nice its now reversed. Makes me wonder if she has a hidden agenda. Half of me wants to ask her why shes being so nice.. Should i? 

I do remember everything in 2008 as I just started selling cars (saturn!) but 20 years ago I was in the 7th grade so didn't really pay attention to such things as the stock market or housing market haha 

I would love to move though ugh. Id pay him off if thats what was needed.. I wonder if he would do it? I probably should get that thought out of my head. I bet if she agreed to not take anyone money from him he would say yes. He's giving her money every month, Idk how much though.


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## Chuck71

Once again.... see her mother....see her daughter. Although there will be moments of clarity, they are moments.

Do not trust her. Just be cautious in any dealings with her. Hers is self-serving....at anyone's cost. Beware of rentals.... that's just from my own

experience. I will never do rental property again. Land....yes. To move.... the whole family somewhat has to go with all the kids. 

Be aware she will always be a thorn in your side. Are you leaning towards SC or any other states?

You're a lot younger than I thought. Run the situation by your dad in SC. With a home paid for and nice $$$ in the bank

you wouldn't be "under the gun" to beat your brains out working 50-60 hours a week.

There will be another bail-out..... the banks always get what they want. This bail-out along with whatever flu

variant they try to scare the hell out of us with will be the nail in the coffin of the US economy. Then the USA will be the USS.

Chuck's crazy ain't he? Y'know.... I pray I'm wrong.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Once again.... see her mother....see her daughter. Although there will be moments of clarity, they are moments.
> 
> Do not trust her. Just be cautious in any dealings with her. Hers is self-serving....at anyone's cost. Beware of rentals.... that's just from my own
> 
> experience. I will never do rental property again. Land....yes. To move.... the whole family somewhat has to go with all the kids.
> 
> Be aware she will always be a thorn in your side. Are you leaning towards SC or any other states?
> 
> You're a lot younger than I thought. Run the situation by your dad in SC. With a home paid for and nice $$$ in the bank
> 
> you wouldn't be "under the gun" to beat your brains out working 50-60 hours a week.
> 
> There will be another bail-out..... the banks always get what they want. This bail-out along with whatever flu
> 
> variant they try to scare the hell out of us with will be the nail in the coffin of the US economy. Then the USA will be the USS.
> 
> Chuck's crazy ain't he? Y'know.... I pray I'm wrong.


Oh trust me im very cautious of why shes being so nice. Someone told me its probably because she sees how bad her live is ending up so shes gonna try get back with me.

It would def be a big move lots to figure out but I think its worth it. And yes always gonna be a turn in my side and always gonna be there. Guess thats why so many people are telling me we are gonna end up back together smh.

I would do very well to sell now and move there! Id jump the opportunity but it would sure be complicated and id bet anything ill be more responsible for her during the move then id want to be but I guess its worth it idk.

I rented a duplex from my grandfather for 10 years and took care of the rating of the other apartment. I had a pretty good track record of choosing people and making sure I got paid with minimal issues, before I got hurt I was approved to buy a rental property. I stopped the sale which I think was one of my biggest mistakes in life.


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## Marc878

Complete no contact is your best option. If you think she’s going to change and be the woman of your dreams I have a bridge for sale.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Complete no contact is your best option. If you think she’s going to change and be the woman of your dreams I have a bridge for sale.


Really?! cool how much? 

Little tough with 3 kids, I'm keeping up the pleasantries until the papers are signed or if some type of moving talk comes into play. 

In the end id rather us have a civil relationship then a nasty one. We have 3 children and will need to be able to hold a conversation at least until they are older. 

Don't care about her being the woman of my dreams or have any hopes of getting back together and find it quite annoying people keep telling me it will happen.


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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Really?! cool how much?
> 
> Little tough with 3 kids, I'm keeping up the pleasantries until the papers are signed or if some type of moving talk comes into play.
> 
> In the end id rather us have a civil relationship then a nasty one. We have 3 children and will need to be able to hold a conversation at least until they are older.
> 
> Don't care about her being the woman of my dreams or have any hopes of getting back together and find it quite annoying people keep telling me it will happen.


I got you. My sister was a wayward.* She never changed! *Its good you have no expectations.

I have 3 friends who employ the strict no contact. Just text or email kids only. It cuts out the drama. Makes life simpler. You just keep it civil. Nothing more. They all seem to try the friend thing on their terms only of course.

From what I’ve seen any good deed you try with some it’ll not go unpunished.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> I got you. My sister was a wayward.* She never changed! *Its good you have no expectations.
> 
> I have 3 friends who employ the strict no contact. Just text or email kids only. It cuts out the drama. Makes life simpler. You just keep it civil. Nothing more. They all seem to try the friend thing on their terms only of course.
> 
> From what I’ve seen any good deed you try with some it’ll not go unpunished.


I'm gonna try keep it civil as long as it can last. If I have to cut it down to simple contact I will. 

See right now im wondering why such the change so call me curious I wanna see how long it continues for. If it continues forever then awesome but either way I'm good. 

I also wanna bring up the topic of moving again so I'd like us to be on good terms for that. If the opportunity is there I wanna take it but in my head I'm always on guard about what will be next. 

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## Marc878

You are on guard because of what you’ve seen. Rightfully so. Once a persons character is set it rarely changes except for short periods of time. Usually for something they want but normally reverts back.

Beware!!! Always protect yourself and kids. You have zero control over her or her time with the kids.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> You are on guard because of what you’ve see. Rightfully so. Once a persons character is set it rarely changes except for short periods of time. Usually for something they want but normally reverts back.
> 
> Beware!!! Always protect yourself and kids. You have zero control over her or her time with the kids.


Thats what it is she probably wants something. Guess ill find out soon enough what it is.


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## iaschneider5

Guess ill update on this weeks drama.

Everyone (not me) going to NC for vacation next week. Little nervous about her driving that distance with her medical issues.

My lawyer is on vacation so next week ill reach out and have her contact my exes lawyer since they arnt doing their job.

Baby daddy #3 has completely left the picture, bedsides paying a small amount in support. shes bringing him to court for full custody. He said he would give it to her. Then she said shes gonna petition to be able to move out of state.

So this has been a busy week for me and very stressful, my moms house about 45 min from here which we thought was foreclosed on we thought auctioned off turns out it wasn't and now I gotta deal with it. Fun times, the auction was supposed to be 2 years ago!

Anyway my son spiked a fever and had to go to the dr she offered to take him so I could go to that house today. When I was just about to leave some dude walks in with 2 coffees... I took a quick look and got the f*** out of there.

She is already banging a new guy 6 months after having a baby. I texted her about it because I wanna know why this guy is around my kids already and yes I know she can do that but I'm sure you understand what I mean. She said they just started talking but I called her out on it cause who the f*** gives their address out and lets someone near their kids if they just started hanging out?

It got heated and she tried to call me some names and I hurt her down but I was not polite about it but in the end she went back to being nice but I still jabbed her one more time before the night ended.

I'm not judging or anything but let me describe him to you... scrawny, black wife beater, all kinds of random tats all over him, and a very thick silver necklace. I did not say a word to him.

For anyone trying to picture what I saw just look up Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad. Took me a while to figure who he reminded me of but when I did I def had some fun with that... she was not a fan of my humor on the subject.

Example: she offered to watch the kid while I run to my moms old house in the morning.
Me: is skinny Pete gonna be there?
Her: no smart ass
Me: a few crying laughing emojis lol then she still asked me to get her mom some pasta sauce since its for the kids if I go to sams club... smh

She has 3 baby daddies but she can still do better then him. oh well
oh and she's gonna be moving back in with her moms house, so 3 adults, 4 kids depending on the day. About 1100sqft 300 of which is unheated which is where she's gonna be with the kids in the upstairs with no central heat.


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## jlg07

You may want to get the new guy checked out if he is around your kids....


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> You may want to get the new guy checked out if he is around your kids....


Oh believe me I want to. After handing an apartment rental for almost 10 years I've become pretty good at finding out details about people. I just need a name which I will get out of her at some point... She will get tired of me calling him skinny pete quickly im sure. 

I'm no model or millionaire or whatever but if you could have seen him your first impression would probably be the same as me... He's no winner

I have the overwhelming urge to call him baby daddy #4 if I run into him again.


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## Chuck71

Your XW reminds me of @honcho 's. She has really tried with all her power to be a F' up.

Would there be any....any way for you to move and take just your three kids? Or would she be a

complete a-hole and say no? I somewhat already know the answer.

Could you ask for supervised visitation? The thought of her driving nearly 1000 miles on meds with your kids

in the car just makes me cringe. She's probably hoping you would volunteer to drive

and she can bring along skinny pete. I wouldn't put anything past her.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Your XW reminds me of @honcho 's. She has really tried with all her power to be a F' up.
> 
> Would there be any....any way for you to move and take just your three kids? Or would she be a
> 
> complete a-hole and say no? I somewhat already know the answer.
> 
> Could you ask for supervised visitation? The thought of her driving nearly 1000 miles on meds with your kids
> 
> in the car just makes me cringe. She's probably hoping you would volunteer to drive
> 
> and she can bring along skinny pete. I wouldn't put anything past her.


I have no clue what is going through her head right now. First it was someone 20 years older who now abandoned her and his kid... Omg imagine if she went back to work that would be awkward.. ok back on track! now scraping the bottom of the barrel I just don't get it. I told her she must be so desperate for attention that she's willing to take whoever first shot interest. 

Yeah the drive to NC I'm concerned about but there's not much I can do about it I dont think? Shes now decided to drive to Virginia beach then stay a night and head to NC.

Right now as it stands she has agreed to what I purposed but im really really having second thoughts. Im gonna run it by my lawyer when shes back from vaca and I need to ge this moving as the creditors are a coming! 

I said that to a friend that I bet she wanted me to drive her and for split second I thought about it because of how concerned I am... Jesus should I consider it for the safety of my kids???

Skinny won't be coming her parents haven't even met new baby daddy and her mom is not happy with her TBH so I can only imagine what she would say meeting the new guy wearing a wife beater and a giant tattoo on his neck... which BTW my ex always hated and would make fun of. 

Today the kids and went to grab something near her house and my son wanted his stuffed animal so I called and she didn't pick up but we have stopped by before and it wasn't an issue.. Turns out he was just leaving sitting in his car smoking a cigg (gross and another thing she claims to hate) and she was in the shower... I may have apologized when she said she was in the shower by saying "sorry I interrupted your booty call" 

He flipped his glasses down and sped off in his rusted chevy sonic with a leaking exhaust... I am overwhelmed at how cool he is... "Insert crying laughing emoji here"...


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## iaschneider5

I have now discovered who the guy is. Skinny pete.

I have spoke with 2 people who know him and he is bad news drugs addict and been in and out of prison since he was 18.

I was trying to do this the right way I was trying to do this so things could remain civil and the kids wouldn't get in the middle of a war but I cannot do this anymore. I'm done

Yes my son only saw him once but she brings him around her baby which is not my concern but it speaks volumes to me about her as a person and a mother. This is not the girl I married. Yes she cheated yes she didn't communicate and we needed some help but since leaving her choices in life just keep going down hill. 

I think the time has come that I have to go for full custody I can't do this anymore. I am very emotional right now but I dont think this choice is made based on emotions. I think it is the right one. 

I have told my kids that at anytime they are uncomfortable when with her they can call me and i will come get them. They said she always asks why they wanna call me and sometimes they cant, I am going to figure out how to get them a cheap cellphone so they can always contact me. they see excited about it becasue they wanna be able to send me pictures and stuff. 

I am not ok right now in any way shape or form.


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## Marc878

Get official info on him. See your attorney on what and how you need to get it. Background checks. Aren’t that expensive I doubt.


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## iaschneider5

I'm gonna be calling her Monday. 
Maybe I'm overreacting but I dont feel I am. She is making more bad choices in her life and I don't this to spill onto the kids. 

We were just talking about how she is gonna file for full custody of her new baby and then file to be able to move now idk if that's bs she's saying. She says she doesn't wanna be in NY anymore. 

I'm concerned over what I'm hearing about this guy. Found his Facebook but can't see much. Trying to figure out where else to look for what I'm trying to find. 

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## iaschneider5

Found a bunch of records... criminal records, child support, Divorce done 06/28/2021. My guess is they weren't together for awhile though. 

Ill just share the latest I found. in 2013 Burglary 2nd degree, Criminal mischief 2nd degree and Grand larceny not auto. 
Minimum 4 years, max 5. Released 08/2017 on parole until 2022. 

Newest criminal file on clerks website is Criminal contempt first degree for violating a protection order, There was no other info besides what happen but it says minimum sentence for repeat felons is 18 months but maybe thats not done yet? not sure. 

She picked a winner folks and this is an issue for me.. It should be shouldn't it? lack of judgment ongoing on her part


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## iaschneider5

I have now spoken to multiple people that know him, hes abusive, does heavy drugs and 3 have told me that he raped someone. No convictions just what people have said. 

Got expelled in 10th grade for breaking window and bringing knives to school. So my ex said she knows him since high school.. does she not care who he is?! Wtf man 

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## Marc878

If there’s no paper on him it’s meaningless


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> If there’s no paper on him it’s meaningless


He has convictions for felonies. Burglary, grand larceny, criminal mischief. 
Court documents on criminal contempt of court. 
Criminal damage many times. 
I've found 10 addresses for him 7 of which are prisons. 

Idk what to do here. At this point between medical issues and her choices I dont feel right letting them go over there but it will start a nasty war. If I let it go I'm concerned about what will happen while they are in her care

Should I just try relax and let it go? 

I told me kids if they ever feel uncomfortable there to call me and i will get them, they said mommy still doesn't let let call me all the time and always wants to know why they wanna call. This has come up before and the kids lawyer doesn't like it nor do I. If they wanna call me I dont see the issue. 

I think im gonna get them a cellphone to bring with them. 

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## iaschneider5

The criminal contempt was for violating a stay away order


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## Casual Observer

I don’t see a judge granting her custody with the kids without supervision if what you say about OM is true. Certainly she won’t be allowed to move away. Your attorney knows of OMs doings and hasn’t said this?


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## iaschneider5

Casual Observer said:


> I don’t see a judge granting her custody with the kids without supervision if what you say about OM is true. Certainly she won’t be allowed to move away. Your attorney knows of OMs doings and hasn’t said this?


I assume that means old man? 
This is a new guy apparently only been around a few weeks at best. 

I only discovered him last Thursday and now have begun my digging. 

Hes 33 first time he was in prison was when he was 18 for burglary. Repeat offender for sure then all the things I heard a out him are wonderful. 

She had told me what she things her medical issues are in terms of the physical things, after reading what she thinks the diagnosis is I learned that if it is that it can cause mental issues as well. Maybe that's what's going on. 

When we got into it and i wanted to know why this man was around my son she said he's just a friend not having sex etc etc which I totally believe not! 

We got into it before I even know what he was all about I was just going based on appearance and whatever else she called me judgemental which is funny cause thats coke up before... she called her mom that when she said her bf was no good and looked like a scumbag... it reference to the first baby daddy. 

I knew she made some mistakes along the way since leaving and new baby and all but it happens but this is making me feel like I can't trust her judgment as a mother and a person. I think there is something wrong with her and I think my only course of action is to go for full custody. 

I am typing this with a clear head and not as emotional as I was yesterday. 

In terms of moving its what we both want. I want it to happen, I fear if I go for full custody it could cause an issue for her getting full custody of her new baby which would make it impossible for us to leave. 

I may have to take risk for the benefit of my kids. I will hate being stuck in NY but I have to do what I have to do

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## Marc878

OM - other man


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## 3Xnocharm

No do not let it go. I’ve been saying for a long time that you need to get sole custody. She isn’t good for your kids and it’s your responsibility to keep them safe and well. Step up and get it done. 


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> OM - other man


gotcha 



3Xnocharm said:


> No do not let it go. I’ve been saying for a long time that you need to get sole custody. She isn’t good for your kids and it’s your responsibility to keep them safe and well. Step up and get it done.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah I cant now, I thought before it was just poor choices other part which it was but this just doesn't make sense. I think there is something wrong with her. I will be reaching out to my lawyer tomorrow, the kids lawyer and that social worker I was seeing just to get his advice as he doesn't make any money off me and he was pretty up front on things I'm curious what he will say.. Could use someone to talk with right now anyway. 

Part of me wants to talk to her family and tell them what's going on, I know they are on her side no matter what but her mom has been very vocal about how she does not like her daughters choices. That would ignite something but maybe it needed idk


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## jlg07

Def talk with the social worker about this OMs past. I'm sure they would be VERY interested in that, and will probably talk with the kids. Your lawyer should be able to discuss any sort of way to keep him away from your kids (at least until after the divorce is completed).


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## Chuck71

Again....your XW is completely self-serving. We mentioned getting full custody for awhile because your

kids have told you, they do not like it there. You said that yourself. Even if you had your attorney 

bring to the courts attention about her "boytoy" and his rap sheet, she would break it off with him and just

find another loser. Loser punks would love free room n board and a POA a few times a week.

Your kids don' need to see that. Nothing like your kids being over there and whatever thug she is 

laid up with.....and a group of police break down the door doing a drug bust. Well that's one sure

way of getting full custody. And it may have to come to that. Hopefully you can get FC the good way.

I wouldn't drive them to NC. What would you do while there?

Now if they'll cover your expenses and give you a separate room (where kids could come over

if they chose), hell.....I'd do it. Maybe chip in on the gas a bit.

Your XW is also eventually going to run across a guy with anger issues. We know what happens then....


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## Chuck71

Apologies for soap boxing on your thread but I really freaking hate the way TAM updates threads.

I wrote above statement thinking the last 7-8 threads were not there. When I posted the one above,

THEN the others appeared. Upgrades TAM...... yeah.... whatever you say LOL

Most definitely share this with attorney, DCS, DHS, and DAS. DAS because she is a threat to her

own well being. If that can be proven, then getting FC would be a breeze. Get FC first.

Then worry about moving. Given her choices of men after you, there may be a great 

chance the baby daddy would sign away right willingly. But that is HER problem to solve.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Def talk with the social worker about this OMs past. I'm sure they would be VERY interested in that, and will probably talk with the kids. Your lawyer should be able to discuss any sort of way to keep him away from your kids (at least until after the divorce is completed).


I'm gonna talk with him and ask considering all the info should I just cut the civil s*** and take her to court, in the end I have a bit of money left to fight her and she has nothing anyway. She claims he will never be around them again but it still speaks volumes about her character and how bad her choices are which i think is helpful in determining if she should continue to have 50% custody. Plus the medical issues. 




Chuck71 said:


> Apologies for soap boxing on your thread but I really freaking hate the way TAM updates threads.
> 
> I wrote above statement thinking the last 7-8 threads were not there. When I posted the one above,
> 
> THEN the others appeared. Upgrades TAM...... yeah.... whatever you say LOL
> 
> Most definitely share this with attorney, DCS, DHS, and DAS. DAS because she is a threat to her
> 
> own well being. If that can be proven, then getting FC would be a breeze. Get FC first.
> 
> Then worry about moving. Given her choices of men after you, there may be a great
> 
> chance the baby daddy would sign away right willingly. But that is HER problem to solve.


I took a nice drive today to NJ well.. Not a fan of driving there but you get the point. Helped cleared up my thoughts a bit and I'm no longer second guessing myself on whether I should do this or not. Im going to do it. 

Im still gonna talk to the social worker and my lawyer see what the best way to go about it is. Maybe we can have a conference and just get her to agree to save everyone the aggravation and expense since she may see she has no hope anyway. 
Baby daddy already told her he would give her full custody so she's taking him to court to make it official. In terms of moving don't mind me my mind is like a chess board so im always planning 3 or 4 moves ahead and usually I can mix everything together and focus just right to figure it all out. Last few nights not so much.. 

We did text a bit today and I said i wanna be able to converse with her about things including things like this that can have an impact on the kids without it becoming an argument. She didnt like some of the things I said.. Still haven't told her I know who he is and what I know bout him, gonna save that info. She started being nice again but funny thing it was after she knew I stopped at Krispy Kreme.... no donuts for her!


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## iaschneider5

I spoke to the social worker today just for a bit over the phone since I couldn't make it into the office because I have the kids. He agrees this is the right move and that every choice she has made since leaving me hasn't really been good. 
Now adding in bringing a felon around her kids or even just being associated with him is really bad news. 
My lawyer will be back from vacation tomorrow i guess and i left a message. I may reach out to the kids lawyer and see what she says or wait and see what mine says. 

My social workers kids went to the same school as my ex and her new "friend" he's gonna ask him if they know him just to see what they say. His son is 3 years older and daughter a year younger.


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## BigDaddyNY

From everything I've read here your wife in no way should be raising kids.

Serial cheater
Walked out on husband and kids
Got pregnant from a 3rd man, 20+ older than her just 6 months after walking out
Got dumped
6 months after new baby she's banging a professional criminal.

I wonder how long till she is pregnant with his kid? You should do everything in your power to get full custody of those kids.


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## iaschneider5

BigDaddyNY said:


> From everything I've read here your wife in no way should be raising kids.
> 
> Serial cheater
> Walked out on husband and kids
> Got pregnant from a 3rd man, 20+ older than her just 6 months after walking out
> Got dumped
> 6 months after new baby she's banging a professional criminal.
> 
> I wonder how long till she is pregnant with his kid? You should do everything in your power to get full custody of those kids.


It's been on the back of my mind since things started picking up with the divorce but I wanted to keep it civil for the kids sake. Now I think for them it's the only choice. 

Currently dead tired but can't sleep. Gonna be calling my lawyer tomorrow trying to figure out what to say, how to word this. 
I hope for everyone's sake I can get this done quickly. Also have the creditors banging at the door, I'd like to get rid of them sooner rather then later. 

I do get a bit peeved when she complains about her life to me and how broke she is, how horrible everyone is to her how everyone wants her to listen to her bs but no one will listen to hers etc etc etc... yet still living in an expensive apartment driving around in a 40k suv that I bought new, going shopping every other day just came back from lake George now going to NC tomorrow. That makes me nervous on top of it I don't think she should be driving for that long but I don't think I can stop it.

Not to mention the new "friend" bringing her "just coffee".. story doesn't add up. 

Don't mind my ramblings im tired guess ill try see if I can sleep now. 

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## BigDaddyNY

iaschneider5 said:


> It's been on the back of my mind since things started picking up with the divorce but I wanted to keep it civil for the kids sake. Now I think for them it's the only choice.
> 
> Currently dead tired but can't sleep. Gonna be calling my lawyer tomorrow trying to figure out what to say, how to word this.
> I hope for everyone's sake I can get this done quickly. Also have the creditors banging at the door, I'd like to get rid of them sooner rather then later.
> 
> I do get a bit peeved when she complains about her life to me and how broke she is, how horrible everyone is to her how everyone wants her to listen to her bs but no one will listen to hers etc etc etc... yet still living in an expensive apartment driving around in a 40k suv that I bought new, going shopping every other day just came back from lake George now going to NC tomorrow. That makes me nervous on top of it I don't think she should be driving for that long but I don't think I can stop it.
> 
> Not to mention the new "friend" bringing her "just coffee".. story doesn't add up.
> 
> Don't mind my ramblings im tired guess ill try see if I can sleep now.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


Is her "friend" going to NC with her? Or is it just her and the kids?

Why in the world would she want to be "friends" with a convicted felon that has done several stretches in prison? Maybe I missed it, but how did she even come to know this guy?


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## iaschneider5

BigDaddyNY said:


> Is her "friend" going to NC with her? Or is it just her and the kids?
> 
> Why in the world would she want to be "friends" with a convicted felon that has done several stretches in prison? Maybe I missed it, but how did she even come to know this guy?


No but he is driving her to her DR appt in CT today. I am having a hard time keeping my shut about him but still haven't let her know I know how he is but I'm she guesses I do. 

Called me today to tell me her car had twice the amount of oil it should, and it also needs to be changed. Got into it a bit and she said "everyone has a past" and people change.... She sure hasn't. 

Its her and her mom now, Since her mom is going im feeling a bit better about it all but still not good. 

They went to high school together so she should know all about him from those days but she claims to not know anything about any criminal things and just said the everyone has a past line. 

I just don't get or understand why she would be interested in this guy, she tried flipping it back on me saying things like well I was interested in you... I've never been to prison. done drugs hell I dont even drink smh. Then she just went on about me being a cheater... 

Id almost post a Pic of her so you can put a face to this story after almost 2 years but im sure thats a bad idea. 

Called my lawyer she told me the ways it can go down. There is a conference next week that would be the nice way and ive called the kids lawyer waiting for a call back. She had a family emergency so is in SC and when I called she was on a court appearance on zoom. 

Talk to her lawyer and tell the details and what we wanna do or file emergency something or other I forgot what she called it. She also asked me to gather any info on him I have...


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## BigDaddyNY

iaschneider5 said:


> No but he is driving her to her DR appt in CT today. I am having a hard time keeping my shut about him but still haven't let her know I know how he is but I'm she guesses I do.
> 
> Called me today to tell me her car had twice the amount of oil it should, and it also needs to be changed. Got into it a bit and she said "everyone has a past" and people change.... She sure hasn't.
> 
> Its her and her mom now, Since her mom is going im feeling a bit better about it all but still not good.
> 
> They went to high school together so she should know all about him from those days but she claims to not know anything about any criminal things and just said the everyone has a past line.
> 
> I just don't get or understand why she would be interested in this guy, she tried flipping it back on me saying things like well I was interested in you... I've never been to prison. done drugs hell I dont even drink smh. Then she just went on about me being a cheater...
> 
> Id almost post a Pic of her so you can put a face to this story after almost 2 years but im sure thats a bad idea.
> 
> Called my lawyer she told me the ways it can go down. There is a conference next week that would be the nice way and ive called the kids lawyer waiting for a call back. She had a family emergency so is in SC and when I called she was on a court appearance on zoom.
> 
> Talk to her lawyer and tell the details and what we wanna do or file emergency something or other I forgot what she called it. She also asked me to gather any info on him I have...


Don't post a pic in the open forum, definitely a bad idea.

Since you seem to have found his full criminal background I suggest giving it to her. No long speech about how bad he is, just the straight fact and are you okay with being around someone like this?


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## jlg07

Even if SHE is ok with being around this guy, you DO NOT want your kids exposed to this -- and get that across to her.


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## iaschneider5

Lawyer was saying something about her having a weekend or every other weekend with maybe 2 days a week every few weeks. Going to talk with the kids lawyer whenever she calls and see what she says. 

I sent the info I can find on him to my lawyer, A cop I once knew said when looking into peoples past look at what they were caught doing and imagine what they didn't get caught doing. Meaning its usually worse then it appears according to him. 

I kept it straight as I could and it being the whole picture of I don't trust her choices as a parent or a person. 

Not sure if I shared this but a week or 2 after she left me and was living at her parents he uncle was living there also. Fresh out of prison upstate. Heavy drug user but supposedly clean now. Anyway there was a video he posted online, It was him his sister ( exes mom) and my 2 boys. He was going on about how trump is there greatest president and he's gonna get rid of all the mexicans and mexicans are horrible people and he's gonna do it to the blacks also.. Id have to rewatch it now to quote it. 

Politiics aside as I dont care about that this is more about the other things that were said to my 2 small children and he was egging them on to agree with him and telling them "trump is the best president right?"to which they looked confused and just said yes to whatever they were told to say yes to because they were about 6 and 7. All while grandma was in the front seat driving laughing. ya know the god fearing go to church on sunday no alcohol allowed in her house type of woman. I had totally forgot about that video.

When I brought it up to my ex I called her and it was an emotional time but wasn't mean or anything I just said its inappropriate. She texted the uncle saying she doesn't have time for my ******** take it down. He stated threatening me but it eventually calmed down. about year later he actually reached out and said good luck with it all and if i need someone to talk to he was there. I guess it was a nice gesture.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Even if SHE is ok with being around this guy, you DO NOT want your kids exposed to this -- and get that across to her.


She said he won't be around them but she lies so why would i believe her or care what she has to say. I take everything she says as a lie. 

I told my lawyer the phone calls think is still an issue to the point the kids take her phone without permission to call me and she questions them on why they want to call. I am looking into getting a cell phone even though she says they dont need one. My lawyer agrees to get one and give it to the oldest. 

I did absolutely give them permission to take her phone in case of an emergency, or if they felt uncomfortable while someone else was there or scared for any reason. Not for silly things like telling me what new toy they got or whatever. 
I said this after I met the new guy.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> I sent the info I can find on him to my lawyer,


Maybe ALSO send it to the KIDS lawyer. They may be able to do an injunction against him (and if he violates it, it puts your wife in a sling also). NOT sure if they can, but worth mentioning to them...


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Maybe ALSO send it to the KIDS lawyer. They may be able to do an injunction against him (and if he violates it, it puts your wife in a sling also). NOT sure if they can, but worth mentioning to them...


Everything I sent to her she is forwarding. She said she might check an email from her a little quicker vs one from me. She told me to call her though vs her reaching out as it will save some money. 

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## iaschneider5

Now I have another concern, She's getting an injection today in her back that may or may not help with her legs giving out. If its an epidural she shouldn't drive after, i asked her she said no but didn't respond after that. 

I called her mom just to say thanks for going with her and please keep an eye on her because I'm worried. She said she was too which is why she decided to go with her instead of in the other car thats already left. She said as far as she knows its not an epidural but shes not sure and said she wishes she changed the appt to another day instead of today.


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## iaschneider5

So it just occurred to me. He's on Parole until next year and he just drove her to CT. Says online 2 weeks notice for trips out of state... Do you think he had it? I don't even think the appt was made more then 2 weeks ago. That seems like an unnecessary risk to me.


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## jlg07

Add it to the info you send to the lawyers...


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Add it to the info you send to the lawyers...


Absolutely. I'm gonna mention it when the kids lawyer calls me. I hope thats tomorrow I wanna get this moving. Get it over and one with. Im not sure how much of a fight she can put up if the kids lawyer is on my side and because of finances.


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## BigDaddyNY

iaschneider5 said:


> So it just occurred to me. He's on Parole until next year and he just drove her to CT. Says online 2 weeks notice for trips out of state... Do you think he had it? I don't even think the appt was made more then 2 weeks ago. That seems like an unnecessary risk to me.


Have you lawyer call his parole officer


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## iaschneider5

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you lawyer call his parole officer


I thought about it but I have no proof. No names mentioned in any texts or anything. Just wanna try get this moving and get it over with. They are on the way to NC now. Not gonna sleep well until I know they are there. 

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## Divinely Favored

iaschneider5 said:


> So it just occurred to me. He's on Parole until next year and he just drove her to CT. Says online 2 weeks notice for trips out of state... Do you think he had it? I don't even think the appt was made more then 2 weeks ago. That seems like an unnecessary risk to me.


I doubt it. I have been a Parole Officer for past 22 yrs. They have to get a permit to leave the state. Texas would not give a permit to take your girlfriend to Dr appt. 

I would be tempted to contact local LEO and notify them if they ever see this guy driving your car they have permission to search it. Or they can call you if they are uncomfortable at the moment and you will grant approval. See if they can hook ole boy up.

Used to tell narcotics task force guys we have warrant on a parolee and use it to your benefit. If they see the parolee enter a house they want to search, the felony warrant gives them approval to raid the house.


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## iaschneider5

Divinely Favored said:


> I doubt it. I have been a Parole Officer for past 22 yrs. They have to get a permit to leave the state. Texas would not give a permit to take your girlfriend to Dr appt.
> 
> I would be tempted to contact local LEO and notify them if they ever see this guy driving your car they have permission to search it. Or they can call you if they are uncomfortable at the moment and you will grant approval. See if they can hook ole boy up.
> 
> Used to tell narcotics task force guys we have warrant on a parolee and use it to your benefit. If they see the parolee enter a house they want to search, the felony warrant gives them approval to raid the house.


Oh believe me I thought about it. Anything to keep him away from my kids in the long term. Right now anxiously waiting for the kids lawyer to call back.

I know this much if I happen to run into him again and my kids are there even in passing its gonna be an issue for me.

If one of your parolees got caught driving out of state what would happen? What would happen to someone with them? anything or the kid/s in the car.


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## Divinely Favored

iaschneider5 said:


> Oh believe me I thought about it. Anything to keep him away from my kids in the long term. Right now anxiously waiting for the kids lawyer to call back.
> 
> I know this much if I happen to run into him again and my kids are there even in passing its gonna be an issue for me.
> 
> If one of your parolees got caught driving out of state what would happen? What would happen to someone with them? anything or the kid/s in the car.


In todays time, no warrant but he would likely get an ankle bracelet/home confinement 60-90 days. Some states are harder. Stares where probation and parole are combined. Texas parole is state and probation is county.


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## iaschneider5

Divinely Favored said:


> In todays time, no warrant but he would likely get an ankle bracelet/home confinement 60-90 days. Some states are harder. Stares where probation and parole are combined. Texas parole is state and probation is county.


Not horrible I guess. Still would look bad on her in my case. 

My mom is bi polar and ended up on probation after a few car accidents. Got her with dwis each time, wasn't drunk she was manic but I wont get into that. This was all around the time my step-dad died suddenly so was a bad time all around. 

They lived in an upper middle class neighborhood and the probation officer would come around at min once a week and toss the house, hassled her over small pocket knives found and a Billy club. My step-dad was a corrections officer and a max security prison and he had all kinds of things. He made her life living hell for a long time. She didn't even know those things were there and he would threaten her with jail time. 

I did end up finding out about what he was doing and a phone call from me to his superior ended it then it was like once a month contact I think. I also called him to check how it went. 
Being mentally ill is a crime to most unfortunately. 

Anyway point being that guy was a **** I can only imagine how being on parole would get him treated. Maybe an anonymous phone call saying he left the state would do him in. 

I dont fault the officer for being the way he was I can only imagine what him and you deal with day to day. I just wanted him to calm down a bit, shes been through enough. 

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## iaschneider5

My lawyer called today few minutes before exes lawyer was suppose to call. She asked me if I wanted her to talk to him about the full custody since he was calling anyway and there is a conference next week. 

He never called her smh. This guy is a mess. 

Kids lawyer hasn't called me back but she's in SC, family emergency. Im gonna try calling again tomorrow.


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## iaschneider5

finally got through to the kids lawyer. When I called she had stepped out for an emergency Dr. appt. When she called back kinda caught me off guard so my anxiety level went up quick but thats just normal right now.

She was kinda poker lipped but made a few comments. I explained about the new "friend" and she asked if it was the babies father and when I said no its soon new plus his details she didn't seem too pleased. 

Tomorrow is a lawyer conference so guess see how it goes. Ive joked with this before but if you see a mushroom cloud on the east coast you will know that things didn't go my exes way and she found out lol

My anxiety will be super high until my lawyer calls me. Its at 1030. Gonna be a long night, on the plus side I didn't forget to put the garbage put tonight like I did last week. I was a little distracted last week. Small win! haha


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## jlg07

Best of luck tomorrow with the lawyers. Just keep on trucking -- you KNOW you are doing the right thing by your kids. Your STBXW has made all of her own problems. Unfortunately YOU got hit in the blast. Just be there for your kids.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Best of luck tomorrow with the lawyers. Just keep on trucking -- you KNOW you are doing the right thing by your kids. Your STBXW has made all of her own problems. Unfortunately YOU got hit in the blast. Just be there for your kids.


Thanks! I'm trying. Well I emailed my lawyer to ask how it went and this was the response. 

"Essentially tell me what you want the schedule to be (as long as you are sharing time with *****), and he will tell her to take it now the he knows she's with a felon. They are still looking for about equal, but its out there shes making poor choices"

As is that wasn't clear enough but I suppose all they see if the baby and not the things I have seen. 
Trying to figure out exactly to do, do I push and go for full or set a schedule of 3/4 her being the 3 and me the 4 and take out the extra long weekend or fight for full. Another fight would be the school, the school district she is currently in is on a paper the best around here mine is not that high but the schools are rated about the same, its the high school that has the high marks in her district but she's gonna have to move back with her parents at some point which while is in the same district is not a big place and I'm wondering if the district will raise issue if i have them more. 

Gonna ask my lawyer to call me as I hate the email back and forth prefer getting it all out in a phone call


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## iaschneider5

If I agree to a 3/4 schedule maybe throw in a full weekend for her and I a month it would get this done. 

My lawyer has said before to get this done as cheap as possible because it can always change and I can take her to family court where I will get a free lawyer anyway. Maybe thats the best choice to get this done and over with. I will have primary since ill have the 4 days and if anything else comes up I can just take her to family court which it may end up being the same judge as the judge we have is a family court judge and she's doing supreme also. 

Maybe this is the best but I wanna clarify her living situation given the school year is coming and she still has chosen to not leave her $1500 apartment yet says she has no income and also about the school and if the district will have an issue with me having primary but being in a different district. 

I want this done, for my kids for myself. Then I get through bankruptcy and finally have a fresh start and start rebuilding my life in anyway I can.


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## Chuck71

As long as she is shacking up with a felon........full custody and full steam ahead.


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> If I agree to a 3/4 schedule maybe throw in a full weekend for her and I a month it would get this done.
> 
> My lawyer has said before to get this done as cheap as possible because it can always change and I can take her to family court where I will get a free lawyer anyway. Maybe thats the best choice to get this done and over with. I will have primary since ill have the 4 days and if anything else comes up I can just take her to family court which it may end up being the same judge as the judge we have is a family court judge and she's doing supreme also.
> 
> Maybe this is the best but I wanna clarify her living situation given the school year is coming and she still has chosen to not leave her $1500 apartment yet says she has no income and also about the school and if the district will have an issue with me having primary but being in a different district.
> 
> I want this done, for my kids for myself. Then I get through bankruptcy and finally have a fresh start and start rebuilding my life in anyway I can.


Just saw this. With you having primary custody.... 4/3, and the bankruptcy...... nail it down. This will be a temporary win.

It leaves you within striking distance for full custody down the road. $1500 and no job.... is she collecting unemployment

with the added stimulus? Or is the "felon 'a dwellin" helping her out? Her keeping him around will aid you

in getting FC. I would take the deal, get the bankruptcy rolling, and in the meantime be speaking to the family

service agencies about the living situation. When the custody decision is done and the bankruptcy is complete...

then go for FC. Don't fret over the school district. Best I recall your long term goal is to sell and move to SC.

Her being with the felon is handing you a trump card.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Just saw this. With you having primary custody.... 4/3, and the bankruptcy...... nail it down. This will be a temporary win.
> 
> It leaves you within striking distance for full custody down the road. $1500 and no job.... is she collecting unemployment
> 
> with the added stimulus? Or is the "felon 'a dwellin" helping her out? Her keeping him around will aid you
> 
> in getting FC. I would take the deal, get the bankruptcy rolling, and in the meantime be speaking to the family
> 
> service agencies about the living situation. When the custody decision is done and the bankruptcy is complete...
> 
> then go for FC. Don't fret over the school district. Best I recall your long term goal is to sell and move to SC.
> 
> Her being with the felon is handing you a trump card.


I think thats what I'm gonna do and just get this done for now anyway. Right now only money i know she's getting is from baby daddy but its not a lot according to her, she said he's paying less then he should be which should be around $900 I believe. She said she was supposed to get some disability insurance but she just confirmed 2 min ago she hasn't gotten it yet and still hasn't figured out her living situation. Had to ask... Shes not receiving any other money and still expects Social services to help her pay for her $1500 apartment.

Once she applies for the disability retirement she will get around 35k for the first year and 21k for the second before all deductions. 

Yes the stimulus has started and she has sent me the first half and will continue to do so as she was already informed she has to.

Yeah I'm not to worried about the school I just don't want her to end up moving to another district besides mine or the current one and her try say they re gonna go to that one, I have been through a divorce and have changed districts multiple times. It sucks. School starts in a month id rather have it out of the way and even though she just said "
its fine im working on it all i am actually an adult believe it or not" and "I can handle adult problems" I don't have faith she will for some reason! you would think someone who is saying she is broke and can't afford her rent but has an offer to move in someone rent free would take it smh

Yes end goal is to move to a state that ends with A and doesn't have much of a winter but first gotta get rid of baby daddy and who knows what that will entail. Not that it matters much to her and she will get nasty again soon I told her im here to help if I can i terms of getting rid of him. Reason being is it will benefit me and my kids in the long run. 100% thinking of myself in that situation and if helping her gets rid of him then ill do it.


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## iaschneider5

The reason I want an answer on school is because if she does go back to her moms they can stay in the school district without issue, well hopefully. If she does get help from social services and gets a low income housing apartment i don't want her to try switch them to that district as I feel like there might be too much jumping around at that point. Id just put them in mine dont care what she says. There is no low income housing in her current district its very small.


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## bobert

iaschneider5 said:


> The reason I want an answer on school is because if she does go back to her moms they can stay in the school district without issue, well hopefully. If she does get help from social services and gets a low income housing apartment i don't want her to try switch them to that district as I feel like there might be too much jumping around at that point. Id just put them in mine dont care what she says. There is no low income housing in her current district its very small.


I would suggest you call the central office of the district, or whoever your district has for contact, and ask them about custody. Block your number or call from a different number and don't give any names or a fake name (say you are new to the area and getting ready to enroll). 

My kids school requires custody agreements to be submitted to the school, but it's only to confirm who can pick up the child and in case of any issues. The children have been in that school district and you could argue that staying there is in their best interest. It's not like you're suddenly trying to get them into a new district. 

If she goes back to her mom's that may qualify for economic hardship proof of residence and shouldn't be an issue. 

Does the school have an out of district exemption? Some schools will do that IF they have room in class and the parent(s) agree to drive them to school (because they'd be too far to walk and off the bus route). The downside is there may be non-resident tuition (my school district has this). 

You can also get school preferences in the custody plan. I'd do that now rather than waiting until/if her location becomes an issue. 

However, with you two wanting to move down south you may not even have to worry about any of this. Can she stay at her moms until then? Or if the kids are already registered the school may not even find out about a move.


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## iaschneider5

bobert said:


> I would suggest you call the central office of the district, or whoever your district has for contact, and ask them about custody. Block your number or call from a different number and don't give any names or a fake name (say you are new to the area and getting ready to enroll).
> 
> My kids school requires custody agreements to be submitted to the school, but it's only to confirm who can pick up the child and in case of any issues. The children have been in that school district and you could argue that staying there is in their best interest. It's not like you're suddenly trying to get them into a new district.
> 
> If she goes back to her mom's that may qualify for economic hardship proof of residence and shouldn't be an issue.
> 
> Does the school have an out of district exemption? Some schools will do that IF they have room in class and the parent(s) agree to drive them to school (because they'd be too far to walk and off the bus route). The downside is there may be non-resident tuition (my school district has this).
> 
> You can also get school preferences in the custody plan. I'd do that now rather than waiting until/if her location becomes an issue.
> 
> However, with you two wanting to move down south you may not even have to worry about any of this. Can she stay at her moms until then? Or if the kids are already registered the school may not even find out about a move.


I don't mind them staying in that district at all besides its a longer trip for me and the kids but its about a 10 to 15 min ride not horrible. 

I'm more concerned she's gonna go to her moms, then try leave again which would put her in a different district and her being her she would demand they go to whatever one she is in but I guess thats a fight for another day. 

I am gonna call the school soon and see what they say, pretty sure my lawyer said we can have it so its her district either way as long as she stays in it. 

The district is small (around 1,700 kids) but they let people buy in at 12k a kid so for us it would be $36,000 a year. 

The moving is a dream, yes we have discussed it as she has said herself she has no love for NY anymore but first she would have to take baby daddy to court for full custody then petition to be able to move, If he puts up any fight the courts will not grant it. The court around here will give anyone the chance to prove they wanna be involved in the kids lives even after many times of proving they don't care. They like to drag it out. In fact my county has been in the news for being one of the slowest family courts in the state. If it happens ill welcome it and if I can assist her in getting it done I will but I won't hold my breath and I'm gonna focus on what's happening now. 

Just wanna make sure everything is covered before i sign the papers.. well at least as much as It can be.


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## bobert

iaschneider5 said:


> The court around here will give anyone the chance to prove they wanna be involved in the kids lives even after many times of proving they don't care. They like to drag it out. In fact my county has been in the news for being one of the slowest family courts in the state.


Yeah, tell me about it. I'm dealing with the same BS right now.

$36k/year is a lot to keep them all in that district. My school district has about 2000 kids and charges around $25k _each_... it's ridiculous. So, I'd ask your lawyer about having something put in the custody agreement like "The children will attend x school. However, if the mother leaves the district the children will attend (the school in YOUR district)". There are better ways to word that but I'm tired! You can have back up plan clauses like that though. Might make you feel better, IF she'd agree to it...


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## iaschneider5

bobert said:


> Yeah, tell me about it. I'm dealing with the same BS right now.
> 
> $36k/year is a lot to keep them all in that district. My school district has about 2000 kids and charges around $25k _each_... it's ridiculous. So, I'd ask your lawyer about having something put in the custody agreement like "The children will attend x school. However, if the mother leaves the district the children will attend (the school in YOUR district)". There are better ways to word that but I'm tired! You can have back up plan clauses like that though. Might make you feel better, IF she'd agree to it...


Yeah it sure is! Def can't afford it. Shoot cant even afford their before and after school care costs! My district is cheaper to begin with for the before and after care and gives discounts for siblings and if qualify for reduced or no cost lunch. 
The after school care at their current schools is $500 a month and in mine it starts at $265 but goes down from there. plus the sibling discounts. and they charge less if you only need until 530. Guess thats the cost of going to a top district. 

Spoke to my lawyer today. Basically I can pick whatever I want for a schedule, It can be just a weekend a month and she's gone have to go for it. She confirmed that even with a 3/4 schedule I'm in a position to just take her back to court if i feel I need to, for the sake of keeping things civil for the time being I will agree to that schedule and my kids still wanna see their mom they don't understand any of the choices shes has been making yet. 

It will be in there that they will continue to go to her district as long as she remains in it and if she leaves they will go to mine along with all the other stuff that was in the agreement. The splitting of kids costs will be a bit tougher as we both have lower incomes at the moment but it will most likely end up with her paying more in the end due to the fact I am primary and shes not gonna give any support. 

Also my lawyer said its best to just let them go to the district and not say anything but if it ever becomes an issue then they would go to mine. Makes sense since I own my house vs her renting wherever she would be. 

Gonna talk with the kids and see how they feel about it, already spoke to the oldest and he likes the idea of being here more which is wha they have told their lawyer. 

Fun situation for the day, so I have 3 kids kindles which have a 2 year worry free warranty. Anyway I had 2 new ones come for replacement and before I could send the other 2 out they charged me for them. $151 a piece. For some reason one hit my card and the other hit Baby daddies card since these were purchased under my exes account when we were together and I guess his card is on the account. I fixed the error today and both are being refunded. They were charged 2 weeks ago but told my ex anyway just in case he says anything. 

She texts me later and says there's a bunch of charges on his card looks like for some reason the one tablet was charging for free time which doesn't make sense but whatever. So she added it up to about $62 but it was also paying for her amazon prime which I'm not gonna pay for.

Now all of sudden "he's not happy" and just transfer the money to her and she will send it to him... I call BS and I think she just gonna take the money for herself. Im gonna tell her give me his number ill talk to him and tale care of it. Its around $35 unless I can get them to reverse it. Not the end of the world but I don't buy her story of him not being happy this goes back to april and he didn't catch it?!


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## iaschneider5

So it has occurred to me that I will not be able to get the before and after school because she is not working. So my options are have them switch schools where the school care would be cheaper, Drop them at their moms in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon, or to eliminate them going back and forth like that have her come here in the morning and bring them back here in the afternoon. 

This is all going by the thought that I will have a full time job as I do need to find something. But I like to plan ahead. She has already agreed to come here and bring them after since "she has nothing else to do" and I laid my case out about not wanting them to go back and forth to her so much, they are tired of it. 

She does not want them to switch schools. friends better district all that. I would have to put up a fight for that.. maybe not i have to ask my lawyer about that. 

Not sure how I feel about her coming here everyday but If its easier on them I will but what if she gets tired of it? I don't expect the to work long term. 
again I have to fid work that first and that would start. 

Sending them to my district would be around $500 a month vs $1500 in hers. around those numbers anyway. 

Actually I think her district they charge the full amount no matter how many days so it would be over 2k


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## 3Xnocharm

Any plan that has her coming into your house should be a no go. Why does she have to be so involved in this? Single people who work and have kids in school do this all the time without the other parent. Your kids are already sick of this crap, figure it out without her being up your ass so much. 


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## iaschneider5

3Xnocharm said:


> Any plan that has her coming into your house should be a no go. Why does she have to be so involved in this? Single people who work and have kids in school do this all the time without the other parent. Your kids are already sick of this crap, figure it out without her being up your ass so much.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Thats the thing I was trying to avoid having to pay for the before and after school care. I def can't afford it in her district mine would be a bit more manageable. 

I would have to change it up since its already been agreed that they stay in hers unless she moves or the district has an issue. Ugh, I will say we did talk about it and she was very open to the conversation but Im gonna have to have it again because I don't see that working out long term. 

Maybe suggest we switch them for this year and see how they do and if any issues we can always switch them back but If Im gonna go to work full time (hopefully) which needs to happen I need to make change that are easier on them and switching schools might be the easiest. 

She hasn't found out about the custody yet just waiting for the final draft from my lawyer for me to approve so I might as well add to the fun! haha


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## bobert

Can you look into different options for before and after school care? There are usually daycares that offer those programs, and transport the kids (or walk them if it's close). There are also usually people with home daycares doing the same thing and it's usually cheaper.

Or even one of their friends? I used to have 4 kids come over every morning and after school, wasn't a big deal.


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## iaschneider5

bobert said:


> Can you look into different options for before and after school care? There are usually daycares that offer those programs, and transport the kids (or walk them if it's close). There are also usually people with home daycares doing the same thing and it's usually cheaper.
> 
> Or even one of their friends? I used to have 4 kids come over every morning and after school, wasn't a big deal.


The before and after school care in their current district is run by an outside daycare. Its cheaper then the normal costs which is $50 a day per kid. 
The issue also being that their mom will be off since she won't be working. It comes down to 2 choices let her come here and see how it goes or fight to have them switch schools. 

Then its same have her come before school and after or pay the smaller fee for before and after school care.. the is all assuming I have a full time job anyway. 

No friends that are willing to do that. I don't know anyone in my district and no connections like that in the current one. Small district mostly stuck up people and again mom won't be working so she wouldn't "allow" that anyway.


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## Chuck71

25,000 EACH kid.....damn @bobert that's $$$ Course where I reside, TN, aftercare is free. With all the thousands 

of dollars people up north pay in taxes, one would think aftercare would be covered. 

With you being primary custody, you have the say on which district if it comes down to it.

Don't pay much heed to what she says....she is like a goose, wakes up in a new world every day.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> 25,000 EACH kid.....damn @bobert that's $$$ Course where I reside, TN, aftercare is free. With all the thousands
> 
> of dollars people up north pay in taxes, one would think aftercare would be covered.
> 
> With you being primary custody, you have the say on which district if it comes down to it.
> 
> Don't pay much heed to what she says....she is like a goose, wakes up in a new world every day.


Yeah I know I could win the fight to have them switched. I figured leave so they can at least have one constant thing but idk, I'm gonna give it more thought. 

Today around 7pm I was leaving my old place as I'm still not done there smh. Finally am though besides a pile of scrap metal im gonna try get .50 cents for as im sure thats all its worth at the moment I got a call from my ex. My oldest fell off some wood him and his brother were using as an obstacle course and not only broke it but shift his wrist. Broke both bones. 

All while outside unattended.


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## Zedd

iaschneider5 said:


> Yeah I know I could win the fight to have them switched. I figured leave so they can at least have one constant thing but idk, I'm gonna give it more thought.
> 
> Today around 7pm I was leaving my old place as I'm still not done there smh. Finally am though besides a pile of scrap metal im gonna try get .50 cents for as im sure thats all its worth at the moment I got a call from my ex. My oldest fell off some wood him and his brother were using as an obstacle course and not only broke it but shift his wrist. Broke both bones.
> 
> All while outside unattended.


Sucks man, and she may be horrible, but this, I don't know if I'd really blame her. Gotta let kids be kids, man. I mean, I was at my brother's house sitting by a fire in the back yard when we could hear my nephew around the side of the house say to my son, "Watch this" and almost immediately thereafter, we could hear his humorous break. You can't watch them all the time.

Hope he's doing all right. Bones heal.


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## iaschneider5

Zedd said:


> Sucks man, and she may be horrible, but this, I don't know if I'd really blame her. Gotta let kids be kids, man. I mean, I was at my brother's house sitting by a fire in the back yard when we could hear my nephew around the side of the house say to my son, "Watch this" and almost immediately thereafter, we could hear his humorous break. You can't watch them all the time.
> 
> Hope he's doing all right. Bones heal.


Yes I know I know. Just a slight pattern here. It's happened before. Her being inside and thing happening. She always says after "guess I can't leave them outside alone anymore" yet it happens again. 

Just upsetting to see him suffering again when it could have been avoided. His hand is shifted at least half an inch from where it should be 

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## iaschneider5

Agreement with new schedule was sent to me to approve. Just clarifying a few things and it will be sent to her lawyer, then the fun will begin.


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## jlg07

So, how does the new schedule look? Are you happy with it???


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> So, how does the new schedule look? Are you happy with it???


It's 3/4. Her 3 me 4. It's not easy either way even my lawyer says that but I think doing this will keep it simple for the kids and in the end I'm not trying to take them away from her. 

If need be since I'll be primary in regards to who they stay with more I will be in line to get full custody if needed. 

Still 50/50 in terms of legal and decision making but im in a position to get more if needed. 

Still not gonna go over well with her 

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## iaschneider5

The biggest thing is the school. As much as I wouldn't mind switching them id like them to just have one constant damn thing so my lawyer added in that they will stay were they are and when I go to work she will come here in the mornings and afternoons as she's agreed to. If she wants to stop doing that then she agrees to split the cost of the before and after school care 60/40 her being the 60. 

Not sure how long school will be open for anyway. The school district still hasn't even released an opening plan yet.


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## bobert

iaschneider5 said:


> The biggest thing is the school. As much as I wouldn't mind switching them id like them to just have one constant damn thing so my lawyer added in that they will stay were they are and when I go to work she will come here in the mornings and afternoons as she's agreed to. If she wants to stop doing that then she agrees to split the cost of the before and after school care 60/40 her being the 60.
> 
> Not sure how long school will be open for anyway. The school district still hasn't even released an opening plan yet.


Do you have a plan in place for if the school doesn't open or does a hybrid style? Might want to, just in case. 

Schools were supposed to get some guidance from the NYS Education Department last week, so maybe your district will update their opening plan soon.


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## iaschneider5

bobert said:


> Do you have a plan in place for if the school doesn't open or does a hybrid style? Might want to, just in case.
> 
> Schools were supposed to get some guidance from the NYS Education Department last week, so maybe your district will update their opening plan soon.


You must be reading my mind. As I'm sitting here not sleeping my mind is going oh S*** what if they don't open or, covid closes it for 2 weeks etc etc. Hmmm

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## iaschneider5

Yes education dept released some guidance but hopefully tomorrow they release their plan. Just saw that there is a meeting tomorrow and hopefully they announce something. So far most around here are doing full 5 days with masks, Distancing etc

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## iaschneider5

How the F*** is anyone dealing with the schools closing of and when it happens. I know some have happened already. 
Saw an article from a former CDC director saying he predicts schools will be closed this year longer then they were last year

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## bobert

My district is releasing their plan on Tuesday... not looking forward to that. They are saying they expect to open fully, no hybrid unless state-mandated, and that things will be like "pre-covid", but we'll see. 

I really don't know how some families deal with all the closures and uncertainty. I pulled my kids out most of last year and they were homeschooled, but I was able to afford that and my wife is home with them. A lot of families can't do that though. How old are the kids? I can't remember the ages right now.


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## iaschneider5

bobert said:


> My district is releasing their plan on Tuesday... not looking forward to that. They are saying they expect to open fully, no hybrid unless state-mandated, and that things will be like "pre-covid", but we'll see.
> 
> I really don't know how some families deal with all the closures and uncertainty. I pulled my kids out most of last year and they were homeschooled, but I was able to afford that and my wife is home with them. A lot of families can't do that though. How old are the kids? I can't remember the ages right now.


This is all a mess because of covid and add in 2 households and divorce. That's potentially alot of back and forth on the kids. It's either she comes here for the day if need be. Or they go to her. Ugh. 
Here they each have their own desk in their room. My daughter's I was gonna take out but im leaving it for now given the state of things just in case. 

Maybe I should start buying some lottery tickets that would solve a fee things lmao. 

5,8 and 9 

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## bobert

iaschneider5 said:


> This is all a mess because of covid and add in 2 households and divorce. That's potentially alot of back and forth on the kids. It's either she comes here for the day if need be. Or they go to her. Ugh.
> Here they each have their own desk in their room. My daughter's I was gonna take out but im leaving it for now given the state of things just in case.
> 
> Maybe I should start buying some lottery tickets that would solve a fee things lmao.
> 
> 5,8 and 9
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


They're a bit younger than I thought. Sucks because they aren't even at an age where they can be left alone for a bit. 

I don't like the idea of your ex being in your house all the time, but I also don't like the idea of the kids always going to her house. That _might_ give her some wiggle room to get more time with the kids and all the back and forth isn't great for the kids. 

If it does become a reality, I'd probably choose her coming over but I wouldn't be thrilled about it.


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## Chuck71

Plan for public schools to be virtual. The DOE do not want to open schools. 

Yes some are opening but....just wait.


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## iaschneider5

bobert said:


> They're a bit younger than I thought. Sucks because they aren't even at an age where they can be left alone for a bit.
> 
> I don't like the idea of your ex being in your house all the time, but I also don't like the idea of the kids always going to her house. That _might_ give her some wiggle room to get more time with the kids and all the back and forth isn't great for the kids.
> 
> If it does become a reality, I'd probably choose her coming over but I wouldn't be thrilled about it.


I really don't like it either but id choose that over them going there mainly because its a lot on them and they are sick of it. They dont listen to her though when it comes to school work, maybe being here with the desks in their rooms would help. 

I made the mistake of asking her today about it. That went well. 
From that conversation I have now learned that she's not gonna move to her moms house, shes trying to stay in her apartment. Ya know the $1500 a month place when she currently has only a small amount of child support coming in from the new baby daddy. Even when she gets approved for the disability retirement from her job the first year will be 31k after that 21k. She says its not gonna be her only income yet 2 weeks ago she told me shes done working completely. Cant keep her stories straight. 

Makes me wonder what she has planned, I'm wondering if shes thinking of trying to file for child support from me? i mean the agreement she has seen says none. Idfk. What other income could she be planning on getting if not working.

She does not want to discuss those plans until they come, she said it was pointless until I have a job which sorta makes since but I wanna plan ahead. She said she would prefer them going to her house since her baby needs a place to nap. 



Chuck71 said:


> Plan for public schools to be virtual. The DOE do not want to open schools.
> 
> Yes some are opening but....just wait.


Oh I know, I expect it to happen. Cant wait.


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## Chuck71

Don't put a thing past her. She will throw you under the bus to benefit herself. That's expected.

I think she would the kids too.... That is TELLING


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## jlg07

I wouldn't be surprised if that now she sees that she may be spending way more time with the kids due to school that she IS planning on hitting you for WAY more CS to support her.


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## iaschneider5

I called my lawyer just waiting for her to call back. Gonna get her take on the if school closes debate.

On paper she still has to agree to me having them 4 days a week. As she used to say to me " them going to you while is work is like daycare I still have them more" so ill just throw that back at her if she tries idk


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## iaschneider5

Ive given the ok for it to be sent. She added in that if one of us is working the other will travel to theater parents house if school is remote to ease the burden on the kids just in different language. 

Also added in that for a year we both keep any new significant others away from the kids. 

Should be sent today


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## Chuck71

And wait for the Parole Punk to be sighted...... document, photo with timestamp if possible.

How'd the vacation go??


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> And wait for the Parole Punk to be sighted...... document, photo with timestamp if possible.
> 
> How'd the vacation go??


Yeah idk what's going on there. It's in there keep people away for a year. 

Vacation went find thankfully. 

Well we were having a chat about health/dental because it's gotten complicated and then she goes "your lawyer sent a new agreement for some reason when we had one" and now radio silence. 
This should be interesting. 

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## iaschneider5

Well we have been discussing the healthcare/dental as she doesn't know if she can maintain it but doesn't like my idea. 

Also she said shes not agreeing to the agreement, but hasn't spoken to her lawyer about she just got sent it without anything being said to her. 

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## Chuck71

She must remain relevant..... 

She must remain relevant..... 

She must remain relevant.....


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> She must remain relevant.....
> 
> She must remain relevant.....
> 
> She must remain relevant.....


Essentially. I tried talking to her last night about school supplies,clothes. 

So when it came to supplies she said her mom was covering one kid she would do one and me. I said fine. She ended up just doing them all, then came more complaints I don't give her any money for anything... in all agreements sent it says discuss and split. She just does what she wants. 

Clothes I asked what she was doing, she said she was getting them one outfit each. She ended up getting a bunch and didn't tell me and after the kids said soemthing I asked her. She said we should just get 7 each and take are of whatever is needed for each others house instead of talking about it and splitting. Sure ok I suppose that works. Just annoying how she agrees to one thing then does another but whatever. 

Begs the question about the her coming here in the mornings and afternoons on my days if I'm working and it would be needed. 
I dont see it working. Anyway I made the mistake of asking her again... she said she has first right of refusal which is not what it would be as per the agreement that was sent. She said if she refuses they would just go to daycare for that day. 

I asked if she understood she would have to pay something towards the care then

"If I refuse to watch them they go I just said I'm watching my children"

"I'm not paying anything I'm taking care of them"

Have I mentioned how much fun this is? 

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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Just annoying how she agrees to one thing then does another but whatever.


Honestly, she seems to be completely flying by the seat of her pants -- no logic, no plan, no keen understanding.
Has she always been flighty like this? Or is this just that she is spinning since she is now by herself?


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## iaschneider5

Its always been there a little bit. Wasn't has bad when we are together. Her mom is the same way, the amount of times her dad has told me he has had to fix her overdrawn account because she will just spend all her money is ridiculous. 
She just spends without thinking and seems her daughter is following in her footsteps. 

My ex always seems to need to keep control hence how she acts i think. Her life is falling apart so she's trying to keep control of whatever she can. She overshares a bit and it seems to be she just does the opposite of what she should do in most situations. 

When the insurance conversation came up the other day I made all the calls, figured out what the options were and I shred with her and told her let me know what's she thinking. She got defensive and said I'm stressing her out and overwhelming her. She has lots of things she needs to figure out and i needed to stop... 

Heres some fun stuff. She was telling me the other day her and her mom got into it because her mom refers to the new baby daddy as sperm donor and she will call the baby her little mexican... All in front of our kids which is why she told me in case they say something. First let me say I think its very messed up for her mom to say that to a baby and just shows that she really does have some issues (not that shes wrong about the sperm donor part) but she shouldn't be saying that stuff in front of kids. one of the reasons she says she can't live back there. 

2 days ago her and her brother ( he lives at the house with his parents ) got into it. He was in her face screaming after my boys had a tiff and were fighting with each other which happens. He called her all kinds of names, says she only comes over when she has the kids, wants a free baby-sitter, grabbed her phone off the table and hid it from her. Few other things were said.. again in from the kids. The parents stayed out of it, her mom left the house. 

Just some fun stories from her side of the fence. She insists she can last living at her apartment. I have no idea how she doesnt even have any income at the moment. Did update my lawyer today on the insurance issues and my ex saying shes not gonna sign that agreement.


----------



## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> He called her all kinds of names, says she only comes over when she has the kids, wants a free baby-sitter, grabbed her phone off the table and hid it from her


Just curious -- how old is her brother -- 12? Hiding her PHONE? Tell him next time to stick out his tongue at her!
She obviously learned a lot of bad traits from her FOO.

I absolutely agree that her mother should NOT be saying things like that in front of your kids. Is there any way you can talk to her about it (or are you not on speaking terms anymore). Tell your KIDS that GM isn't being a nice person when she says things like that. The KIDS could say that to GM -- which should shock her enough (I would hope) to shut her up.


----------



## Chuck71

Your XWs family is a reality show waiting to happen. New Yorksville: Malcontents and Discontents

Season Premier on TLC, September 8, 9:00PM.






ETA-TLC ..... Learning Channel.... really? "This" is what we learn? Yeps.... sad


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Just curious -- how old is her brother -- 12? Hiding her PHONE? Tell him next time to stick out his tongue at her!
> She obviously learned a lot of bad traits from her FOO.
> 
> I absolutely agree that her mother should NOT be saying things like that in front of your kids. Is there any way you can talk to her about it (or are you not on speaking terms anymore). Tell your KIDS that GM isn't being a nice person when she says things like that. The KIDS could say that to GM -- which should shock her enough (I would hope) to shut her up.


Hes a year older than me I believe 33! He has selective mutism so he's mommy's favorite kid can't do anything wrong. Lately he has been talking to them well screaming. Got his school mostly paid for by mommy and daddy down in NYC.
FOO? excuse my lack of knowledge on the acronyms lol 

We are on seeking terms she keeps the fake act going when people are around, now if its just her and her daughter she talks S*** when I was there and her daughter wasn't around she was doing the same towards her daughter and the baby daddy. She has some issues its obvious and then masks it with her church going and " thats not a very Christian thing to say" type quotes. She's just full of S*** mostly and is also an abuser towards her husband verbally and towards their bank account!

I spoke to my ex about it and they had gotten into it already but I'm gonna have a conversation about it with her again, there has been a blow up about it twice already but I will be stepping in next if needed, the kids don't need to hear that crap. Sperm donor or not keep that crap away from them. And in terms of her calling the baby a mexican thats not really anything im gonna get upset about besides it being said in front of my kids and they will eventually understand what she means but it. Its a disgusting thing to say towards a baby though, and the kids father isn't even mexican! 


Chuck71, post: 20364791, member: 47959"]
Your XWs family is a reality show waiting to happen. New Yorksville: Malcontents and Discontents

Season Premier on TLC, September 8, 9:00PM.






ETA-TLC ..... Learning Channel.... really? "This" is what we learn? Yeps.... sad
[/QUOTE]

I can see it now! Her dad is the normal one he's just quiet, his family is wealthy besides him which is mostly his own fault and that of his wife who bleeds every account dry feeding her depression and shopping addiction. The mothers side of the family is a different animal.

Who do I have to call to get he show! lol

Spoke to my lawyer about my ex not wanting to sign the papers and her lawyers lack of giving her information, and the medical insurance issues. She sighed a lot and was annoyed. Exes lawyer is on vacation so I guess we wait now!


----------



## Affaircare

@iaschneider5 ,

Are you aware that after a divorce, that usually people remove their ex from their life and don't really interact with them anymore? 

I realize that your exW is a true PITA (Pain in the "Behind"), and that she keeps trying to make herself relevant. I mean, she's a nut and we all know it. But a portion of this is also on you. You keep engaging her! 

For example, with the whole "her coming to your house and watching the kids cuz she has right of first refusal"... UM HELL NO!! No way Jose I'd let my ex into my house!! But I think there's confusion over what "right of first refusal" means. That is a clause to offer the non-custodial parent more opportunity to be with the children if the custodial parent has an extended time away or an emergency trip. Thus, when the kids are with you, that is YOUR TIME. You, as the dad, are responsible to figure out how you will care for the children during your time. When the kids are with her, that is HER TIME and she would be responsible to figure out how to care for the kids during her time. If you get called away for a 3 day business trip during your time...THEN "right of first refusal" kicks in. But for day-to-day afterschool care? I wouldn't say so. She's already been deemed, by the kid's GAL and the judge, to be needing less time with the kids due to her antics, so won't it look odd if now you give her MORE TIME WITH THE KIDS? On one hand you claim she's not very fit--then on the other hand you give her your time back! 

Honestly my best advice to you is to begin to enforce a very, Very, VERY strict NO CONTACT with her. All exchanges go through a neutral third party (such as drop them off at school at the end of your time--she picks them up at school at the beginning of her time... OR ... exchange at the police station). Coordination of things like doctor appointments goes through a Co-Parenting Calendar. You don't "share" expenses by each trying to pay half of everything: you pay for ABC and she pays for XYZ and they are roughly equal. 

Your lives are still way, WAY too entangled and you keep tangling with her. I know she's nuts and keeps inserting herself, but I would encourage you to act as you would if she had DIED. I mean, how would you do this or that or the other if she literally did not exist on the planet anymore? How would yu provide for the kids after school if she no longer lived? Find a family from school and barter aftercare. Hire a teenage girl to just sit with them from 3-5pm and pay her a couple bucks. Do they have a friends' house they could go to until you come pick them up? And if your exW pitches a fit, tough titties, let her. She's irrelevant now, because you two are DIVORCED.


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## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> @iaschneider5 ,
> 
> Are you aware that after a divorce, that usually people remove their ex from their life and don't really interact with them anymore?
> 
> I realize that your exW is a true PITA (Pain in the "Behind"), and that she keeps trying to make herself relevant. I mean, she's a nut and we all know it. But a portion of this is also on you. You keep engaging her!
> 
> For example, with the whole "her coming to your house and watching the kids cuz she has right of first refusal"... UM HELL NO!! No way Jose I'd let my ex into my house!! But I think there's confusion over what "right of first refusal" means. That is a clause to offer the non-custodial parent more opportunity to be with the children if the custodial parent has an extended time away or an emergency trip. Thus, when the kids are with you, that is YOUR TIME. You, as the dad, are responsible to figure out how you will care for the children during your time. When the kids are with her, that is HER TIME and she would be responsible to figure out how to care for the kids during her time. If you get called away for a 3 day business trip during your time...THEN "right of first refusal" kicks in. But for day-to-day afterschool care? I wouldn't say so. She's already been deemed, by the kid's GAL and the judge, to be needing less time with the kids due to her antics, so won't it look odd if now you give her MORE TIME WITH THE KIDS? On one hand you claim she's not very fit--then on the other hand you give her your time back!
> 
> Honestly my best advice to you is to begin to enforce a very, Very, VERY strict NO CONTACT with her. All exchanges go through a neutral third party (such as drop them off at school at the end of your time--she picks them up at school at the beginning of her time... OR ... exchange at the police station). Coordination of things like doctor appointments goes through a Co-Parenting Calendar. You don't "share" expenses by each trying to pay half of everything: you pay for ABC and she pays for XYZ and they are roughly equal.
> 
> Your lives are still way, WAY too entangled and you keep tangling with her. I know she's nuts and keeps inserting herself, but I would encourage you to act as you would if she had DIED. I mean, how would you do this or that or the other if she literally did not exist on the planet anymore? How would yu provide for the kids after school if she no longer lived? Find a family from school and barter aftercare. Hire a teenage girl to just sit with them from 3-5pm and pay her a couple bucks. Do they have a friends' house they could go to until you come pick them up? And if your exW pitches a fit, tough titties, let her. She's irrelevant now, because you two are DIVORCED.



Ok so I get what your saying, on terms of hearing all her crap going on in her life she just texts away and if it involves my kids I wanna hear it since its potently also ammo if needed. I might enjoy a bit hearing how bad her life is and then I tell her how its her fault anyway. 

Now with school and stuff like that its a difference animal. Everything that is happening has been discussed with my lawyer to which even she says this is a bit of a mess, also adding in Covid which adds another dynamic like it did last year. Now I am going to be going to work after 8 years of not working and I need to figure out the school care issues. 

The goal was to make an agreement that would prevent us from having to end up in court. Now that seems to be irrelevant as she says she's not gonna sign it but we shall see what happens.

In order to completely cut her out I would have to go to court and have the kids switched schools to my district, after discussing it with my lawyer and the kids it was agreed that was would try limit the changes on them as things have been very difficult already. By keeping them in the current district I have to factor in before and after school costs for each kid and how much it would cost. $35 a day times 5 and they do not split it up by days, you pay for all of it no matter what you use. Roughly $2100 a month. 

The idea of her coming here was not my first idea and I'm not super happy about it and honestly I don't think it was gonna work but I went along putting it into the agreement and as long as she signed it then I would do what needs to be done. 

Now she says shes not gonna sign it, I wanna see where her tone is after talking to her lawyer. If we go to court I will just go for it all which i most likely (hopefully) will get. Switch schools probably gonna get full custody etc etc. 

The goal was to keep the back and forth to a minimum on the kids and give them what they had asked for well the older 2 anyway and thats to be here more. Thats all thats been discussed, judge hasn't said anything towards she deserves less time or the kids lawyer all she has said is that the kids wants more time with me and we need to eliminate the back and forth. 

I had proposed the 3/4 with her getting the long weekend every 5 weeks but after running into "friend" and just seeing the downward spiral her life is going even more Ive decided to take that away. I could have made whatever schedule Wanted and her lawyer said he would tell her she has to accept it, I choose to stay on the civil side of things for a small hope she would agree and move on. Shes not so time to switch gears and take full control of it all. 

with the kids going to my district the before and after care costs will be around $500 a month as they do discounts and I can pick and choose how many days I need. Again was just trying to get this done without minimal changes on the kids and to give them act they want which is more time with me. 

Most conversations we have are about the kids, She informed me of the fights she had with family because she figured kids would tell me and she wanted me to hear it fro her. Any other companying she does i try to not engage because even if I do its " I'm an adult" "I can handle it" I'm putting on the face of a friend with a knife behind my back so to speak just to get through this because thats what I need to do. 

In terms of not being fit... I think she has a lot of issues shes needs to work out and she needs to be better about watching them which is hard when there an infant around and I agree with her brother.. Put the phone down once in awhile and focus in them. They see it too (kids). I have mentioned how many injuries and incidents have occurred with he to my lawyer vs me and she says thats something for court if we get to it. She has been trying to get this done with minimal cost to me as she knows I dont have it and there is no reason for it to drag on but alas my ex is dumb and thinks shes in control of everything or is just trying to keep some control and her lawyer is a mess. 

Only thing I will say as a positive with he coming here for the short time in the morning and afternoon if needed is i have cameras inside and out so I can check in at all times and here the kids act differently than with her, not sure if that will change but they know I can watch and check. I'm just trying to do what's best for them and get this over with. Figure be nice and I may get more out of it. She is causing it to edge closer and closer to the knife needing to come out...

with the shared expenses thats what was in the agreement and I was told is standard in NY. Every lawyer I sat down with told me that, the parents discuss are and split. right now its a 60/40 split. Not my main issue here in the end. 

Friends no, only friends they really see outside of school with kids are all her friends and although we are on friendly terms they arnt gonna help me, and with covid there has been less of other interaction with other kids also.
Everything that I have put into or agreed to has been talked over with the kids lawyer and mine main goal to benefit the kids and give them what they want and get this done as easy as possible. I have managed to find a great lawyer who also isn't trying to suck me dry... Id say thats a win! 

If she died... Id have 500k in the bank and the kids would go to me school district anyway. Would almost make things easier.. anyone know a good hitm..... Just kidding! but that really that would almost be the easier storyline but the emotional toll on my kids would be horrendous, I wouldn't wanna watch that  and its horrible to want someone dead which I dont. Just wanna het this done and im gonna know soon which way this is heading. If after speaking to her lawyer she won't agree to sign my lawyer is filing an emergency petition to get to court or whatever she called it awhile back. She had mentioned it before.

Right now trying to figure out what to do for work after 8 year and neck injury that will afford my bills and most likely the school care or babysitter which I have also looked into. Not cheap either but slightly better prices for the afternoon. the mornings would still be an issue. 

Spoke to the bankruptcy lawyer again since im getting tons of letters and supreme court documents he was warning me that my suv may not be able to be protected and I may have to sell it or pay a few thousand to buy it back... buy back my own paid off suv. If I had kept my New car used the money I used to buy my current car to continue monthly payments id still have it bankruptcy wouldn't be able to take it then once my ex gets her disability approved the disability insurance i have on the loan would pay it off. Now she gets it instead. Aint that a B****


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## iaschneider5

Im hopeful that once my kids are a little older and more independent the contact with her can dwindle to nothing especially when my oldest can drive. He can do the shuttling! 6 years to go!


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> FOO? excuse my lack of knowledge on the acronyms lol


Sorry -- Family Of Origin (FOO)......


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Sorry -- Family Of Origin (FOO)......


Ahhh don't be sorry! Thanks haha 

Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Well this whole time for better or worse as you all know I was trying to remain civil and do what I feel is best for the kids regardless of my feelings. 

She crossed a line as I've learned today. 

She brought the kids to their lawyer, claiming I was hitting them and being abusive. 
The lawyer may not be able to be in court tomorrow as she has a dr appt but she has gone on record stating thar after talking with the kids again she believes this is just my ex trying to fabricate issues just to avoid settling the custody matter. 

Happened to be sitting in front of my social worker when I got the email. Perfect timing. 

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## Chuck71

Does what she did really surprise you at all?


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Does what she did really surprise you at all?


Part of me expected her to try something desperate. Still gets the blood boiling either way. 

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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Im hopeful that once my kids are a little older and more independent the contact with her can dwindle to nothing especially when my oldest can drive. He can do the shuttling! 6 years to go!


Contact is up to you.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Well this whole time for better or worse as you all know I was trying to remain civil and do what I feel is best for the kids regardless of my feelings.
> 
> She crossed a line as I've learned today.
> 
> She brought the kids to their lawyer, claiming I was hitting them and being abusive.
> The lawyer may not be able to be in court tomorrow as she has a dr appt but she has gone on record stating thar after talking with the kids again she believes this is just my ex trying to fabricate issues just to avoid settling the custody matter.
> 
> Happened to be sitting in front of my social worker when I got the email. Perfect timing.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


Unleash the lawyers of war!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Unleash the lawyers of war!


Well he lawyer conference date was today, I didn't see the kids lawyer email was from yesterday! I told my lawyer to go for switching schools which is what we agreed to do because having her here is not really something I want anyway let alone now. 

She got pushback which means it would have to be decided by a judge, my lawyer said most likely the judge would not grant a switch right now based on the fact thats where the kids went last year but if my exes home situation was unstable that would cause the judge to make the switch. So right now its looking like ill be pushing for a next year switch as her home life is anything but stable. 

It could happen midyear but Id hate to do that to my kids. 

Right now my lye said trial dates are out until May of 2022!!! Right now we are waiting to see what my exes lawyer says after talking to her. My ex does not know that I'm aware of why the kids went to the lawyer. 

When the kid got home I asked them how everything was and what kinda stuff they did which is what I always do. They said saw the lawyer lady... 

So I asked my ex mixed with anther question how come they went to see the lawyer?
"They wanted to talk to her again"
i asked how come?
"if they wanted to tell you im sure they would have"
I said something along the lines of ok, all they said was mommy brought us
"they asked me to"
The kids lawyer stated in her email the appt was made by the mother who was claiming I was hitting them and being abusive. 

I was curious what she would come up with as a reason for the visit. She couldn't say she was asked to by the lawyer because I would have been made aware also. 

Even my lawyer said she's getting desperate.


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## Kaliber

iaschneider5 said:


> When the kid got home I asked them how everything was and what kinda stuff they did which is what I always do. They said saw the lawyer lady...
> 
> So I asked my ex mixed with anther question how come they went to see the lawyer?
> "They wanted to talk to her again"
> i asked how come?
> "if they wanted to tell you im sure they would have"
> I said something along the lines of ok, all they said was mommy brought us
> "they asked me to"
> The kids lawyer stated in her email the appt was made by the mother who was claiming I was hitting them and being abusive.


You need to be careful and really drop contact with her to minimum, no need to ask her about anything outside the kids stuff


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## iaschneider5

Kaliber said:


> You need to be careful and really drop contact with her to minimum, no need to ask her about anything outside the kids stuff


Yes I know, this I consider talking about kids though. Kids mentioned lawyer so im playing dumb and asking what it was about. 

Curious how she will react when she finds out the kids lawyer is calling her a lair... cause she is 

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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Yes I know, this I consider talking about kids though. Kids mentioned lawyer so im playing dumb and asking what it was about.
> 
> Curious how she will react when she finds out the kids lawyer is calling her a lair... cause she is
> 
> Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


Kind of worried that maybe SHE is trying to coach the kids about you abusing them. Any sort of "remember when Daddy did... tell the lawyer that...." type of crap. Wouldn't put it past her.


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## 3Xnocharm

Kaliber said:


> You need to be careful and really drop contact with her to minimum, no need to ask her about anything outside the kids stuff


He won’t. Ever. I’ve pushed that from the beginning but what do I know. 

OP you better document every move made by you with the kids with this crap she’s pulling. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Kind of worried that maybe SHE is trying to coach the kids about you abusing them. Any sort of "remember when Daddy did... tell the lawyer that...." type of crap. Wouldn't put it past her.


Thats exactly what she did... My oldest told me his mom told him to tell the lawyer that "daddy smashed my tablet in front of me" Thats not what happened. Did I get upset and take it from him cause he's a pita sometimes and doesnt wanna listen sure... Did I take his tablet and smash it in front of of him? no I did not. It had a hairline crack... should have taken a pic before I sent it out but I wasn't aware of the S*** she was gonna try pull.




3Xnocharm said:


> He won’t. Ever. I’ve pushed that from the beginning but what do I know.
> 
> OP you better document every move made by you with the kids with this crap she’s pulling.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I ry my best to keep things as minimum as possible, Im don't see a way for us to cut communication completely we have 3 small kids and there is constantly something that needs to be discussed regardless of who they are with. 
She likes to share her life which i dont really care about but I will admit I enjoy hearing how f**** up things are for her so its whatever on that. 
This line she has crossed has changed things a bit and while i will still remain civil as I can be im done with the back and forth she either agrees or its going to court. The fact im being told there isn't a trial dates until may is concerning and means im gonna have a long winter though. 

being civil isn't for her, its for the kids and its for me so I dont have a damn heart attack. My stress level is off the charts and thats not just because of her but that s major part of it. I have to not let it get to me and go whatever road I think I can accomplish keeping myself calm. That does not mean Im backing down in anyway. 

A favorite pastime of her and grandma is to tell the kids they are doing something fun on saturday (which is my day) maybe a sleepover or whatever. This time its grandma might buy a new car! which isn't gonna happen because grandma spends all her money and can't afford the type of car ive been told it is. Anyway they tell the kids then the kids come tell me they need to leave early... See thats the trick tell the kids first because if I say no ill be the one to disappoint them. A dirty little trick.

I ased her today to stop doing that very nicely and she just went on and on about how she doesnt think the car is evening happening bah bah blah and next time she will just tell me and take them anyway if whatever is planned doesnt happen. yeah thats not happening. I'm done doing early days like that. 

I was curious what she would say so I asked if ew can do the schedule that has been laid out in the agreement that has been backed by the kids lawyer, school is starting and I dont wanna do this back and forth s***. She said no and said the kids lawyer keeps bouncing back and forth on what she's saying (not true) and shes already spoken to her lawyer and shes not agreeing to anything. 

She knows i saw the email from the kids lawyer calling her a liar she has gotten it also yet is still pushing.. Makes me wonder what she has planned next! 

I did email my lawyer and tell her that i believed they were coached on what to say and explained what had actually happened with the tablet.


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## Marc878

Better keep a var on you!!!!!


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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> I ry my best to keep things as minimum as possible, Im don't see a way for us to cut communication completely we have 3 small kids and there is constantly something that needs to be discussed regardless of who they are with.
> She likes to share her life which i dont really care about but I will admit I enjoy hearing how f**** up things are for her so its whatever on that.


A friend of mine has two girls in grade school and he does a hard no contact. Text or email kids or D only.
Pickups and drop offs take him 2 minutes. He says it works great. Kids adjusted to it.
You could do the same if you wanted too. So this is really your problem. You control you and your phone. What’s keeping yourself in this getting you?


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> A friend of mine has two girls in grade school and he does a hard no contact. Text or email kids or D only.
> Pickups and drop offs take him 2 minutes. He says it works great. Kids adjusted to it.
> You could do the same if you wanted too. So this is really your problem. You control you and your phone. What’s keeping yourself in this getting you?



Var?
D only?

My kids dont have phones and she told me if I got them one she would take it away when they got there. Shes trying to remain in control. They also don't have access to a computer there either. I set up kids messenger on their tablets but she doesnt let them bring them. 

Drop offs and pickups are quick only thing I do is walk them up the stairs to her third floor door hug then leave. Thats because they ask me. 

I am a child of divorce and I was the messenger for my parents as they dropped all contact. I will not do that to my kids because as adults they dont see it but its not easy for the kid to do that. I was 11 when my parents split up.


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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Var?
> D only? *Divorce*
> 
> My kids dont have phones and she told me if I got them one she would take it away when they got there. Shes trying to remain in control. *She is in control because you let her.*
> 
> They also don't have access to a computer there either. I set up kids messenger on their tablets but she doesnt let them bring them.
> 
> Drop offs and pickups are quick only thing I do is walk them up the stairs to her third floor door hug then leave. Thats because they ask me.
> 
> I am a child of divorce and I was the messenger for my parents as they dropped all contact. I will not do that to my kids because as adults they dont see it but its not easy for the kid to do that. I was 11 when my parents split up.


Voice activated recorder. False domestic violence claims are filed all the time. We just saw one here last week.

You are making excuses to stay in this. Go ahead it’s your life.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Voice activated recorder. False domestic violence claims are filed all the time. We just saw one here last week.
> 
> You are making excuses to stay in this. Go ahead it’s your life.


ahh. I do have one I can slip on my pocket. My house is wired with cameras my car swell and I keep it running so there is a time stamp of when i leave to bring them up and come back down. I save those videos. 

I'm not letting her control anything, How can I stop her from taking a phone or a tablet? Its already been brought up to her by her alwyer that she needs to let them cll if they want and she still questions them up and down on why they want to and all that. 

Its not excuses its just life, I can deal with the communication as annoying as it is. the kid stuff I dont care about its the other **** thats annoying but i just ignore her most of the time. On certain things ill pry but its good info to have like the brother fighting, mom calling the baby names an saying things in front of my kids. good ammo just in case to show how unstable her home life is, since she can't go to her moms in that setting etc. 

The no contact thing and using kids is something I've talked with at length about with my therapist and he says a lot of people end up doing it but it can do damage to the kids and as adults we need to just suck it up say the hellos, the goodbyes and share any important info that needs to be shared, its not the kids job to do that its there job to be kids and not be dragged into it. 

That being said, yes i allowed it to a certain degree before as I was putting on the face of being a friend not an enemy. trying to make her think I was her friend so she could believe she could just do what she wanted without pushback. Thing had been moving slow besides a few agreements being sent back and forth. now that she has crossed a line I'm not going to be so polite about it. and Im not gonna sit here and pretend anymore. My stress comes from the divorce in general and just the fact its taking so long and yes how she is acting, not communicating about kid stuff. plus bankruptcy, work kids going back to school and what's gonna happen there etc. 

She knows that I know that she tried to pull some sneaky s*** on me and it didn't work and she's pissed about it but still in a delusional state that its gonna work out for her. I'm gonna do what's best for my kids and thats it. I'm trying to find out if we can get a court date before may, my lawyer mentioned trying to get one but idk what the status of that is now given she told me they are all pushed until may and now things are closing back up around here slowly.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> I am a child of divorce and I was the messenger for my parents as they dropped all contact. I will not do that to my kids because as adults they dont see it but its not easy for the kid to do that. I was 11 when my parents split up.


Yeah DO NOT DO THAT. There are parenting apps and any/all communication can go through THAT app for anything that pertains to the kids. It can ALSO be used in court....


----------



## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Yeah DO NOT DO THAT. There are parenting apps and any/all communication can go through THAT app for anything that pertains to the kids. It can ALSO be used in court....


Yeah I tries to get her to use one and again she refused. Its something I gave brought up to my lawyer and will be pursuing in court.

For now my lawyer said screenshot anything that seems important. I have over 6000 screenshots on my phone alot. Memes and messenges. I've been meaning to organize them

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## iaschneider5

I come to vent, it helps and so do the responses. 

I will say this there is also a bit of strategy involved here also. In the communication I mean. Yes everything else I have said is true and I think ive mentioned this before but think about it for a second... 

My divorce is not over going on almost 2 years now. If I was to cut off communication how would that look? Say we get back in front of the judge and my ex says im not doing this not doing that and I have no texts to back it up and the judge goes well wtf? I have messages from anything important on my phone and I can still look back to the day she left and before and search for what I need. Did it the other day with the messages she sent saying i have manipulated her kids into saying they wanna be here more. 

I would rather go in front in front of the judge showing that I did everything I possibly could to remain civil with herald try to do what is needed vs not being able to show anything and her saying i cut off communication. Maybe Im wrong to do that but its what I though was right, ive discussed it with the therapist he agrees its a good thing to do just for that purpose alone besides keeping kids out of it. 

Id love to use a parenting app but she refused when I asked and lawyer said nothing we can do until judge orders it. 

Curious to see what next week brings now that my ex has seen the kids lawyers response to her games.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Id love to use a parenting app but she refused when I asked and lawyer said nothing we can do until judge orders it.


I agree -- you can't force this until it becomes a documented part of your separation or divorce agreement. So, you are doing the best you can -- KEEP all the texts and exchanges. From what you've posted about her, she WILL mess up and you will have documentation of it.

Sucks that you have been going through this for so long...


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> I agree -- you can't force this until it becomes a documented part of your separation or divorce agreement. So, you are doing the best you can -- KEEP all the texts and exchanges. From what you've posted about her, she WILL mess up and you will have documentation of it.
> 
> Sucks that you have been going through this for so long...


I'm just chugging along best I can. This will be an interesting school year that I can say for sure. 

It does suck. Partly covid and noe just my exes lawyer but besides trials dates being so far away I think everything is out that needs to be out. Still worried as to why my ex seems so calm about being called a lair by the lawyer and even says the lawyer is contradicting herself. This should be interesting. 

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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> I come to vent, it helps and so do the responses.
> 
> I will say this there is also a bit of strategy involved here also. In the communication I mean. Yes everything else I have said is true and I think ive mentioned this before but think about it for a second...
> 
> My divorce is not over going on almost 2 years now. If I was to cut off communication how would that look? Say we get back in front of the judge and my ex says im not doing this not doing that and I have no texts to back it up and the judge goes well wtf? I have messages from anything important on my phone and I can still look back to the day she left and before and search for what I need. Did it the other day with the messages she sent saying i have manipulated her kids into saying they wanna be here more.
> 
> I would rather go in front in front of the judge showing that I did everything I possibly could to remain civil with herald try to do what is needed vs not being able to show anything and her saying i cut off communication. Maybe Im wrong to do that but its what I though was right, ive discussed it with the therapist he agrees its a good thing to do just for that purpose alone besides keeping kids out of it.
> 
> Id love to use a parenting app but she refused when I asked and lawyer said nothing we can do until judge orders it.
> 
> Curious to see what next week brings now that my ex has seen the kids lawyers response to her games.


*No one said cut off communication. *Limit it. To kids and D only. Ignore anything else.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> *No one said cut off communication. *Limit it. To kids and D only. Ignore anything else.


Gotcha, Ive had other people say it to me too. 90% is our kids and related things, healthcare, school etc. she starts talking abut her life like I'm her friend.... To a degree as I said I don't mind hearing about her problems as its entertaining I really dont say much back but yes I agree there. 

I agreed to get snacks for her house for the kids for school which really isn't a big deal and again strategy... She knows I know what she did and she still tried to ask me to get her formula if I was going to sams club... I told her to ask baby daddy as thats his job.

Sorry typed hit send to the jumble then when I went to fix it my phone rang..


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## Marc878

From what I’ve seen. A lot like you try and maintain some control. The only control you have is your self and your time with your kids. What you are doing is giving her control over you.

You change nothing then come here venting because nothings changed. Then start the excuses as to why you can’t do this or that.

Limited contact and ignoring anything not related to kids and D works. I’ve seen it on at least three occasions.

You want to live like you’re living go ahead. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> From what I’ve seen. A lot like you try and maintain some control. The only control you have is your self and your time with your kids. What you are doing is giving her control over you.
> 
> You change nothing then come here venting because nothings changed. Then start the excuses as to why you can’t do this or that.
> 
> Limited contact and ignoring anything not related to kids and D works. I’ve seen it on at least three occasions.
> 
> You want to live like you’re living go ahead. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you.


Nothing is gonna change, the communication is mostly about kids but when it gets nasty I try stop it. She doesnt yet me out of a blue and say hey guess what I'm back with baby daddy or whatever she fits the random **** into the conversations about the kids. 

Like when I was talking about the dental care somehow she started talking about the agreement and how she's not gonna do it and then started up about he brother yelling at her. I asked her to keep it i healthcare she did for a min then went back so I ended the conversation. 

My biggest issue right now is the s*** she is trying to pull and then just my own life nothing to do with her. Trying to figure out what I can do for work that will actually hire me and that would limit the amount of time she needs to be her in the mornings and afternoon when im working. 

Only times I try and talk to her is when its important, like the dental issues or asking if we can start the schedule thats in the agreement to which she refused. I don't care if she goes off about her life I just dont respond or I stick to the subject that matters to me. I did respond to her mom talking the way she does in front of my kids and when she had the argument with her brother because it happened in front of my kids and that never Should have happened. 
inside of a conversation about the schedule her living situation came up and I did push a bit to find out what's going on since she says she can't go back to her mom. Ive got enough info that I should be able to prove that her situation isn't very stable and that will benefit me going forward. That was about 3 weeks ago.


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## Marc878

Talk can lead to drama. Email or text limits that.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Talk can lead to drama. Email or text limits that.


Everything is in text and I screenshot promptly. She calls here and there but thats always about when one of the kids is refusing to listen and thinks that I would say something different. Or there's an injury. Been a few of those under her care. 

I make sure to keep the important stuff in text for record keeping. I can still go back over 3 4 years ago in my messages and Facebook messenger prior to her leaving. 

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## iaschneider5

Some updates. Waiting for my lawyer to call back since she's on vacation.. 

Oldest kid called her a B**** again. A few other things also. I mentioned therapy for the kids at least the 2 boys she informed me that she had been looking for a therapist for them for "months" and was currently waiting for a call back to schedule an appt. I asked the name of the person she told me and I said Id like to talk to her also and she snapped back and asked why and didn't seem point. Makes me winder if she peas on trying to you use the therapist to go further on her abuse claims which she has not given up on. She said I was abusive after my son called her a name and said that's why they listen to me.. I let it go. But she's not with the claims. 

Just found out today that the dental insurance while still active according to the insurance company is not actually active per the government website that maintains the enrollment. so we can't use it anymore. She didn't pay it. The health insurance is being paid by from her job for up to a year of being out but they want the money back so far its a $1,000 but she insists it won't get canceled. smh


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## Chuck71

Still......... ALL about HER. Ignore her. She is still trying to spin a ropeless top.

Was she this BSC when you first met her? Document her antics and forward them to attorney.

If you give her enough rope, she will hang herself. Primary custody is looking very promising

for you. Your XW wakes up in a new world, every day.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Still......... ALL about HER. Ignore her. She is still trying to spin a ropeless top.
> 
> Was she this BSC when you first met her? Document her antics and forward them to attorney.
> 
> If you give her enough rope, she will hang herself. Primary custody is looking very promising
> 
> for you. Your XW wakes up in a new world, every day.


She was different idk when this started. And being around her mom more and being influenced by her more seems to make it worse. Her mom and her aunt are the I'm a strong women I don't need a man for anything type. Aunt is single and has a big mouth and her mom is similar just walks all over her husband. 

If she doesnt agree to what was purposed full custody will be it. She really does and i get a small glimpse of it. one min she's trying to share more with me then she needs to which is fine to an extent because I can use some of it if needed the next min its "I dont need to share things with my ex" and in the case she said that she really did it was about the health insurance. When shes not in a bad mood shes not so bad to deal with its when shes stressed and angry she needs to lash out. 

Lawyer reached out today she asked if there is anything she needs to know there is another conference this week. I'm guessing tomorrow since shes reaching out today.


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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> She was different idk when this started. And being around her mom more and being influenced by her more seems to make it worse. *Her mom and her aunt are the I'm a strong women I don't need a man for anything type. Aunt is single and has a big mouth and her mom is similar just walks all over her husband.*
> 
> If she doesnt agree to what was purposed full custody will be it. She really does and i get a small glimpse of it. one min she's trying to share more with me then she needs to which is fine to an extent because I can use some of it if needed the next min its "I dont need to share things with my ex" and in the case she said that she really did it was about the health insurance. When shes not in a bad mood shes not so bad to deal with its when shes stressed and angry she needs to lash out.
> 
> Lawyer reached out today she asked if there is anything she needs to know there is another conference this week. I'm guessing tomorrow since shes reaching out today.


Give it to her. Cut off any and all unnecessary contact.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Give it to her. Cut off any and all unnecessary contact.


only time I contact is about kids and her the same.. It just gets mixed in I largely ignore it unless I wanna get more info to keep away in case needed. Strategy.


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## Chuck71

Nothing like a paragraph about the kids, school, how they're doing..... followed by seven paragraphs about

how you ruined her life, never jumped when she snapped her fingers, how controlling you were, etc etc

She's just upset you aren't her anger dump anymore..... just like she is with her mom / aunt.

Ever feel like you used to live the "Jersey Shores" reality show?


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Nothing like a paragraph about the kids, school, how they're doing..... followed by seven paragraphs about
> 
> how you ruined her life, never jumped when she snapped her fingers, how controlling you were, etc etc
> 
> She's just upset you aren't her anger dump anymore..... just like she is with her mom / aunt.
> 
> Ever feel like you used to live the "Jersey Shores" reality show?


The personal attacks are few and far between its mostly oh my bother started yelling at me, oh my mom called my son this, I hate her, I can't live there, Im broke etc. 

Idk about Jersey shore mostly her mom just verbally attacked her dad but he took it. He would vent to me and still does on occasion if he gets a moment to be alone with me where his wife isn't listening. I don't mind we are still on friendly terms. He's a nice man I feel bad for him. 

So about those personal attacks... I shall create a new post.


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## iaschneider5

So there has been a few things come up recently. She has aloud my boys to see the social worker I see since she was unable to find one in the "months" she was looking. She's already threatened to remove them from it (more on that below)

My oldest is having trouble in school, mixed with his mom not doing what she needs to do on her end to make sure work is done i end up getting the emails from his teacher as I was contacting her about his performance and he has double the work when he gets to my house. He was also doing cello and we spoke about taking it away if he didn't get his act together. I gave him a week to improve. To his credit and hers there was improvement from her and him, He still didn't bring home work that was supposed to be done from the prior week then this week he didn't do mondays homework, Tuesday he was instructed by the teacher to come in at recess to do it and he ignored her. When she questioned him he didn't have an answer. His mom stated that she checked the homework and he must have lied to her about it and showed her the wrong one. I returned the cello yesterday and pulled him from the class. I feel he is overloaded and needs to have it reduced or at the very least see if that helps. The school social worker agreed when I spoke to her about it, all the kids are suffering but add in the constant back and forth on top of it and the stress of divorce that he is feeling I think he needs less to do.
My ex knew I said a week she was on the phone when it happened she heard me say it again but after it was done she raised hell... I get it and maybe I made the wrong choice but I cant sit here and watch him struggle without trying to do something about it. I think its worth a shot anyway and I found him some therapy within a day of her saying she's been looking for months and couldn't find anyone with time. 


On Monday a 5th grader started picking on my 4th grader on the bus. They were all friends the week before. My other son is in his class. He attacked him and threatened to kill him... Anyway spoke to the principal and my ex insisted we call the police. I said wait until we spoke with school but she didn't wanna wait. Yesterday after I picked him up we went to her complex to wait for the police since they wouldn't come to my house as its not the same town. Her mom showed up for it aswell. As soon as I got there she started questioning me on why he lost the cello, She raised her voice then my ex chimed in. They both raised their voices as they do it very quick even though they won't acknowledge it. My ex has said many times she knows her mom does it though... 
Regrettably I raised my voice back because they were trying to gang up on me and the insults came out from them about me being abusive, a bad father etc etc. 

I told the kids to wait downstairs ( I was at her doorway since the kids went up I went to get them and ask them to come downstairs now) once downstairs they started up with me again and again I let them have it. I know I shouldn't have but its done and over. I will tell me lawyer and the kids just so they are aware of the situation. 
I was thinking last night and I think its best that we meet in a neutral location from now on.They just opened a new shop rite around the corner from me and there's a grocery store in front of her complex I think that works. I won't go to her moms anymore either. I think this will help with the issues she is also complaining about (kids giving me many hugs and my youngest crying stuff like that)

Some things that were said by my ex and her mom
I'm abusive and a bad father
They listen to me because they are scared of me and they don't wanna go to my house
She's a good mother and knows how to handle her kids I'm the one that doesn't and I use fear to control them
I'm the reason they are ****ed up and lashing out
She said she will remove them from the therapy since its mine and whatever nonsense she was saying about it. She had already said "im not allowed to influence what they say"

My ex said that shes thinking of firing her lawyer and representing herself because she doesnt need a lawyer to prove im abusive and take them away from me.
And the one that's been sitting with me all night even though It was said in anger to do this to me... I wish I never let you adopt them because you dont deserve them.

Just some highlights. Again it was regrettable and I should have kept my mouth shut. Sometimes its hard to do.
they tried to hurl the insults because I was stating facts they just kept repeating themselves and getting louder and trying to get worse like the whole adoption thing.


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## Chuck71

If it's your idea.... it is a stupid idea.

If it's their idea....simple plan of genius.

BTW... they're the same idea.

They will yell at you as long as you listen.

Popisim-When you argue with a fool, one wonders whom the fool really is

Her wanting to represent herself in court..... LOL speaks volumes

Hopefully your lawyer or social worker can offer tips on how to avoid as much of this crap

because your XW isn't the first, nor the last loud mouth Yankee to talk out both sides of her mouth


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## Marc878

You know better to engage but do it anyway. Why?


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> You know better to engage but do it anyway. Why?


Ive been able to keep my composure up until then.. Her mom asked about the cello I said I'm sure she told you if not you can ask her. She raised her voice and then her child added to it so I reacted. It happens. I tried to get the kids out of there quickly and back down the stairs. 

Regrettable as I said. I reached out to my lawyer waiting for a response, reached out to the kids lawyer also just to make her aware and get ahead of it in case my ex tries some crap. She's gonna get back to me also.


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## Marc878

Bud you cannot be rational with the irrational. Learn and apply.


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## Chuck71

Be wary...... soon after a big argument, for her to rip her top, smack herself a few times, maybe even punch

herself. She will call the police, claiming you did this. She will do this while you have the kids. The police

will come to your place, and sadly arrest you on the spot. Her mom will be right behind the police because

when you are detained, who will be with the kids? This will look BAD on you and you did not do a thing.

Eventually though... this will be cleared up but by then, they will have used this against you in court.

Her family IS the type to try this. And even if....her charges are thrown out, it will severely damage

your chances at FC. See.... her family has one goal in mind every day..... to F with you. And if they're 

lucky, squeeze $ out of you. I'm shocked your FiL hasn't went missing. Course he really wouldn't

be missing; moreso "in hiding" .... to get away from them.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Bud you cannot be rational with the irrational. Learn and apply.


Yeah I know, First time in 2 years that's happened. I got attacked and I responded. Let my stress and anxiety get the better of me which I've been pretty good at not doing. I used facts and they didn't know how to remind so the insults came out. 

What I had almost said to her mom was "At least my life isn't so sad and pathetic that I need to throw racist insults at my own grandchild just to make myself feel better" Maybe I should have! 



Chuck71 said:


> Be wary...... soon after a big argument, for her to rip her top, smack herself a few times, maybe even punch
> 
> herself. She will call the police, claiming you did this. She will do this while you have the kids. The police
> 
> will come to your place, and sadly arrest you on the spot. Her mom will be right behind the police because
> 
> when you are detained, who will be with the kids? This will look BAD on you and you did not do a thing.
> 
> Eventually though... this will be cleared up but by then, they will have used this against you in court.
> 
> Her family IS the type to try this. And even if....her charges are thrown out, it will severely damage
> 
> your chances at FC. See.... her family has one goal in mind every day..... to F with you. And if they're
> 
> lucky, squeeze $ out of you. I'm shocked your FiL hasn't went missing. Course he really wouldn't
> 
> be missing; moreso "in hiding" .... to get away from them.


Oh believe me I have thought about that. Luckily in this case the cops were there shortly after and he had a body cam on so can plainly see that didn't happen. I left while he was still there and he was walking back to his car as I as driving away. 

One of the reasons I was thinking it needs to be neural ground for pick ups and drop offs. My house has cameras alll around though but the complex doesnt. My truck has a front and rear dash camera aswell so when it running I make sure to leave the windows open also to at least pick up sound. I said I was gonna start recording with my phone and i also have a recorder I should do that! Sad that I have to. 

Funny thing is my FIL is in canada for work they offered him a bonus to go up there for a few weeks and he jumped at it. i bet he's enjoying the break lol his wife wouldn't do anything to him she needs him to fix her accounts when she overdraws it. If I died my ex would get 500k... I better watch out.

Still waiting on a response from my lawyer and the kids. Gonna just put it all out there to get ahead of it. Maybe ill get my own body cam for this reason!


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## Marc878

Bud, people use things like this to file false charges all the time. Don’t set yourself up.


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## jlg07

Just make sure that your lawyer and the social worked know all about this. It would have been good if you got all this on a recording, but.....
Don't worry I think you did the right thing with the cello -- let him focus on his schoolwork and getting that together. Once he is a bit more "stable" with dealing with this, he can go back to the cello.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Bud, people use things like this to file false charges all the time. Don’t set yourself up.


Didnt mean for it to happen, I'm gonna take extra steps to make sure it docent happen again because i have a feeling they arnt done.



jlg07 said:


> Just make sure that your lawyer and the social worked know all about this. It would have been good if you got all this on a recording, but.....
> Don't worry I think you did the right thing with the cello -- let him focus on his schoolwork and getting that together. Once he is a bit more "stable" with dealing with this, he can go back to the cello.


I reached out to both, the secretary for the kids lawyer asked me what I wanted to talk to her about and she had me send her an email with a quick rundown of what happened so she could add it to the file. 

Thats how I feel. Ive been talking to him about some other things we can do at home for him to relax and relief stress but don't involve more school work. He even suggested bringing a toy to his moms that's stretches so he can stretch it when he gets mad he doesn't lash out at her. He said he doesn't need it here..

I have hobby grade R/c cars for myself and the boys just been buried in the garage since the move and he was excited to get them going again and i think I'm gonna get him a small punching bag for him also maybe help him get some aggression out.


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## Marc878

VAR on you at all times. False domestic violence charges happen. Zero contact is your best friend. Don’t learn the hard way.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> VAR on you at all times. False domestic violence charges happen. Zero contact is your best friend. Don’t learn the hard way.


Was only there given the bus incident, the police asked to meet there. I should have asked to just come in. Doubt it will ever happen again but next time Ill do that. 

Today they wanna pick them up at the kids request. The kids like their grandmothers new minivan. Gonna meet them somewhere else.


----------



## Sallyx

iaschneider5 said:


> I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.
> 
> My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.
> 
> Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake.
> 
> Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.
> 
> I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work.
> 
> Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on.
> 
> About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.
> 
> My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.
> 
> After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.
> 
> I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.
> 
> I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?
> 
> The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.
> 
> BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.
> 
> I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.
> 
> For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.
> 
> That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.
> 
> I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
> And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.
> 
> Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.


Hey, sorry you are going thru this right now. I'm also going thru the same thing almost, also married in 2017 lol hubby said he wanted a divorce today and I felt my heart sink, I honestly think im the problem tho. Cause like you, I also have no friends or family I can talk to, just him and my 3 boys.. idk where I will live but I'm just scared that if/when we do get divorced. They will give him custody because I have nothing and haven't worked in over 5 years ...I have no way of supporting my kids... I will lose it all... I've been looking for someone to talk to as well, sorry you're going thru this, I really hope it all works out for the best


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## jlg07

Sallyx said:


> Hey, sorry you are going thru this right now. I'm also going thru the same thing almost, also married in 2017 lol hubby said he wanted a divorce today and I felt my heart sink, I honestly think im the problem tho. Cause like you, I also have no friends or family I can talk to, just him and my 3 boys.. idk where I will live but I'm just scared that if/when we do get divorced. They will give him custody because I have nothing and haven't worked in over 5 years ...I have no way of supporting my kids... I will lose it all... I've been looking for someone to talk to as well, sorry you're going thru this, I really hope it all works out for the best


@Sallyx, you should start your own thread (you will get a ton more help if you do that). You need to realize that in a divorce you will more than likely get 50% of the joint assets of the marriage, if you get the children as primary parent, you will get child support, and you will more than likely get alimony. You WILL have money and will be able to support them.
You need to get to a lawyer asap.


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## MattMatt

Sallyx said:


> Hey, sorry you are going thru this right now. I'm also going thru the same thing almost, also married in 2017 lol hubby said he wanted a divorce today and I felt my heart sink, I honestly think im the problem tho. Cause like you, I also have no friends or family I can talk to, just him and my 3 boys.. idk where I will live but I'm just scared that if/when we do get divorced. They will give him custody because I have nothing and haven't worked in over 5 years ...I have no way of supporting my kids... I will lose it all... I've been looking for someone to talk to as well, sorry you're going thru this, I really hope it all works out for the best


*MODERATOR NOTE:- *TAM isn't really a site that encourages this type of interaction.


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## iaschneider5

Well nothing back from the lawyers yet, my lawyers paralegal said she has been very busy but in my most recent bill there was some form of a note. It said the usual breaking down what the charges were for and it said trial was tentatively scheduled for 01/04 and 01/05... I suppose that's a good thing. 

For some reason I see my ex being pregnant again. Other day when she was gonna bring our oldest to the therapist she had her brother do it and she told me she had an emergency. Once she dropped him off she felt the need to tell me her Iud moved and they can't find it. Because i obviously needed to know all that.


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## Marc878

Not your problem. Ignore.


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Not your problem. Ignore.


Of course not. Just a thought I had it about it. I'm more concerned with the court date. I take it by the wording it can change. I do like how it's 2 months away not in May. 

Hopefully we can still work it out other court. Doubt it though 

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## Chuck71

Might be preggo again...... well that's how she verbalizes things. The way she "communicates"


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## Casual Observer

iaschneider5 said:


> Once she dropped him off she felt the need to tell me her *Iud* moved and they can't find it. Because i obviously needed to know all that.


lud Iud (LUD and IUD both appear the same if it's a capital I or small l. So is this IUD? Or am I dense and there's something called an lud that's unrelated? If an IUD it was misplaced? They stay intact unless a doctor removes them, far as I knew. Or is lud an acronym for something else?

So confused!


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## iaschneider5

Casual Observer said:


> lud Iud (LUD and IUD both appear the same if it's a capital I or small l. So is this IUD? Or am I dense and there's something called an lud that's unrelated? If an IUD it was misplaced? They stay intact unless a doctor removes them, far as I knew. Or is lud an acronym for something else?
> 
> So confused!



..... IUD. Forgive my lack of caring of all letters being capital. 

She told me it was lost inside of her and they couldn't find it. Sounds fishy to me, I think she's pregnant and this will be her way if saying why it happened. Her mom talks enough s*** about the first one and the dad... Loves the kid I'm sure but still makes comments.


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## iaschneider5

So confirmed court is beginning of January but only if the judge wins her reelection. If she loses it could delay it months.


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## jlg07

well THAT sucks. Sorry that this is taking so freaking long for you!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> well THAT sucks. Sorry that this is taking so freaking long for you!


It sure does and thanks. I'm a bit of a mess about it all. I'm not sure if getting a new judge would be good or not. 

She has endorsements from the local major of the city where the court is located, state senator few other big names. On the other hand there's a facebook page with lots of horror stories about her and trying to stop her reelection. 
Hard to tell if its just people that are made court didn't go their way or actual bad rulings. No one is ever happy I just want this over and some type of set schedule for my kids. We are going crazy over here with the constant back and forth. 

My lawyer said I could just keep them whenever I wanted and there's not much she could do but on the other hand she would ten lean she could do it too. It would put the kids in the middle of that, that's why Ive tried to maintain this stupid schedule but its really eating away at us. 

I told my lawyer about the adoption comment made by my ex ( that she wishes she never let me adopt the 2 boys) She said stuff like that shouldn't be said of course as we haven't spoken to them about it but the fact she said it in front of them could really bite her. If she was to mention it and it they brought it up after the fact it could really hurt her and the court would favor me custody wise simply because of that. 

Just another thing I gotta deal with my food stamps expire end of December and I need to recertify. If I can't prove on paper that the kids are with me more I will lose them, Im not sure if she will get them or not or we have to wait until court ends and there is a decision to see who would get that benefit. Or maybe they go to her automatically I'm not sure.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> It sure does and thanks. I'm a bit of a mess about it all. I'm not sure if getting a new judge would be good or not.
> 
> She has endorsements from the local major of the city where the court is located, state senator few other big names. On the other hand there's a facebook page with lots of horror stories about her and trying to stop her reelection.
> Hard to tell if its just people that are made court didn't go their way or actual bad rulings. No one is ever happy I just want this over and some type of set schedule for my kids. We are going crazy over here with the constant back and forth.
> 
> My lawyer said I could just keep them whenever I wanted and there's not much she could do but on the other hand she would ten lean she could do it too. It would put the kids in the middle of that, that's why Ive tried to maintain this stupid schedule but its really eating away at us.
> 
> I told my lawyer about the adoption comment made by my ex ( that she wishes she never let me adopt the 2 boys) She said stuff like that shouldn't be said of course as we haven't spoken to them about it but the fact she said it in front of them could really bite her. If she was to mention it and it they brought it up after the fact it could really hurt her and the court would favor me custody wise simply because of that.
> 
> Just another thing I gotta deal with my food stamps expire end of December and I need to recertify. If I can't prove on paper that the kids are with me more I will lose them, Im not sure if she will get them or not or we have to wait until court ends and there is a decision to see who would get that benefit. Or maybe they go to her automatically I'm not sure.


Just make sure you document all the time they spend with you -- just put it in a calendar or online calendar -- go back as far as you can remember NOW...


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## iaschneider5

That's the issue. When she changed the schedule it def makes it so she had them more. But it's all over the place and is constantly changing. 

Kids are tried of it, I'm tired of it, the kids lawyer is tired of it. 

She agrees with the schedule purposed which is 3 days my ex 4 me. 

My ex insists she is confused and for some reason thinks the current schedule is the 3/4. I know for a fact the lawyer knows what the current schedule is. 


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## jlg07

I know there are some online apps (I can try to find out names if you need it) that are used for co-parenting where the schedules are all kept online, the communications is online (and can be used in court), etc.. This may help get you what you need!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> I know there are some online apps (I can try to find out names if you need it) that are used for co-parenting where the schedules are all kept online, the communications is online (and can be used in court), etc.. This may help get you what you need!


I have seen a few and I tried to get her to use an app to talk but she refused. Nothing I can do there. The schedule now would definitely show her having them more. She designed it thar way. It didn't start out like that though. She changed it or rather suggested we try it then when I said it wasn't working and they don't like it She rasied hell because it got her the time on paper. 

Just as a quick run down which I'm sure I have done before idr. 

Her sat night to Tuesday night PLUS her normal day off and that even continues now even though she's not working. Her days off rotated. 

So if she's off Monday I get 4 days a week. If she's off Tuesday 4 days for me. 
If she's off Wed she keeps them from Saturday until Wed night. 
If Thursday she will give back on Tuesday night and I give back Wed night then she gives back Thursday night. 
Then the following week it would be Friday off then Saturday since her work week starts on Saturday. So she would get sat night to Tuesday night then wants them back on Thursday night until the following Tuesday. 

It's not annoying or confusing on me or the kids at all (sarcasm)

They complain to me because they wanna spend more time at my house... or if you ask her I manipulate or threaten them to say it...

As I said I only keep it up because if she figures out she can just keep them without any repacussions until we get to court idk how long she would keep them for. 

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## Chuck71

YOU set the schedule, 4 you, 3 her...........send a copy to your lawyer and the kids lawyer. When she wants to

change it, say no and..... have your lawyer consult my lawyer. That's what they're paid for.

Your BSC XWs revolving schedule is hers to deal with, NOT you and the kids.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> YOU set the schedule, 4 you, 3 her...........send a copy to your lawyer and the kids lawyer. When she wants to
> 
> change it, say no and..... have your lawyer consult my lawyer. That's what they're paid for.
> 
> Your BSC XWs revolving schedule is hers to deal with, NOT you and the kids.


Ph yeah I'm sticking to it. Everyone has already got the agreement and even my exes lawyer told her to agree. He actually did say she just doesn't care. Even he said to mine that he can't make his client agree. She won't agree. 

So we go to court. I guess I'm hopeful the current judge wins her reelection even though her reputation is less then steller. Just don't want this delayed any longer. 

Since she doesn't agree we have to keep the current schedule. 

Now I could change it now and just do what I want because there is no official schedule but then she would do the same. Am I making the right choice is not putting the kids in the middle of that power grab so to speak? Idk. Either way is bad. 

My ex said the only way she will agree to change it now is if it's sat night to Wed night her. And we'd night to sat night me. So 3 me 4 her. 

"Because it's not fair to them to get less time with me then I already have" -ex wife 

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## Chuck71

LOL..... shoots more angles than a geometry professor. All about her. What's new?


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## iaschneider5

Well looking at the unofficial results of the family court judge election it seems my current judge is gonna win. Hopefully that's a good thing.

I was told to tell the law guardian that the kids started therapy and was told i need to switch them because she doesn't like that its the same guy as I see. 9 phone calls later and its either no time or remote only which isn't gonna work fro young kids. The search continues!

I was also asked by the law guardian to send her the schedule written out... That was a lot more words written out then it should be!


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## iaschneider5

Judge won so I guess that's good. She still has a very bad reputation but shall see how it goes. 
Found a new therapist for them started yesterday which is good. She had me come in to get a bit more info on everything, she asked over the phone but wanted a bit more info. 

My oldest as of the beginning of the month now says he wants to spend more time at his moms vs here like he has been saying since a law guardian got involved. I asked him if everything was ok and what's got him changing his mind and he just turned and tilted his head down got quiet and said IDK. That says a lot to me but I left it be. I did tell the therapist how it has changed and explained how he got quiet when I asked him about it.


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## Chuck71

Bribery 101? How do the other kids feel? Have therapist ask him next time.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Bribery 101? How do the other kids feel? Have therapist ask him next time.


Seems like it idk. He did say to me that he likes spending time with his brother. I 100% get that. It's confusing it really is. So maybe it's that but judging on how he reacted it said something different tk me. When I said to the therapist she said the same thing. 

His younger brother is next on Friday. 

Both the other 2 still maintain they wanna be here. Now all thar being said they arnt 14 so the courts don't really need to take what they say into account but still the LG wanted to know 

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## iaschneider5

Well she did it. Had a visit from CPS today. 
I did yell her u wanted to speak to my lawyer first but I heard her out. 

I pulled my oldest kids ear once which it hurt
I pushed my middle child into a bucket of toys to where his back got bruised. 
Hard smacks to the butt
And my mother failing to intervene and protect the kids. 

Right now it's not known if she called them or because of the petition she just filed in family court they did it automatically based on what she said. 

Called my lawyer, she said talk to the woman, which I will. I was told the petition she filed will be thrown out or switched to Supreme. 

My lawyer also said she's sure her lawyer knows nothing about it and that this is more proof how desperate she is. 

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## iaschneider5

Tell her i* don't mind me errors. 

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## jlg07

Yeah, she's desperate. You are gone and not worrying about her and taking care of her, poor princess.
DEF keep in touch with your lawyer, TALK with your kids so that they know (age appropriate) what she is trying to do and that she may want THEM to say certain things about you.


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## pastasauce79

iaschneider5 said:


> I pulled my oldest kids ear once which it hurt
> I pushed my middle child into a bucket of toys to where his back got bruised.
> Hard smacks to the butt
> And my mother failing to intervene and protect the kids.


Did all that really happened or she made it up?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Yeah, she's desperate. You are gone and not worrying about her and taking care of her, poor princess.
> DEF keep in touch with your lawyer, TALK with your kids so that they know (age appropriate) what she is trying to do and that she may want THEM to say certain things about you.


Im just gonna tell the older 2 kids there is a woman coming just to check that they are safe and healthy, no need to scare them for any reason. She's constantly been trying to make it seem as they don't wanna come here for that reason or this reason. Today its they wanna do their homework at her house... Months ago my oldest did wanna do his homework at her house because when they come here I would check it before and after to verify he had everything and check it after to make sure its done. He was having a lot of trouble completing work and would lie to her. He would show her completed work that wasn't even the current homework and she didn't check it enough to confirm what it was. 
He has since gotten better so I have been not checking on him, He gets a folder back at the end of the week fro the teacher that I have to sign and as long as its all good ill continue to just let him do what he's doing. Besides the reading logs he's been fine. 
I wonder what todays excuse will be. They always ask to stay longer here also, she's just trying to flip everything against me in any way she can. 

Ive already gave the lady at CPS a quick rundown of when this all started. Soon after the Felon showed up a new agreement was made on August 16th and approved by everyone but her, August 31st she took them to the lawyer to say I was abusive. Whats funny is in her family court petition she didn't even include in it the reason she had brought them to the lawyer in the first place just a small list of other things. On the phone CPS said everything seems fine but she still needs to come view the house and also come back with he kids here to see how they are around me. 


pastasauce79 said:


> Did all that really happened or she made it up?


I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I'm the perfect parent or person or that i haven't lose my temper with my kids while they are fighting or arguing with me. The most i have done in the past is a smack to the butt but what I usually try do is separate the kids if there's an issue. I can 100% without tell you that Im not sitting here everyday beating them senseless or putting my hands on them in anyway that would that would be consider abuse. 

I love my kids more than anything and everything I do is for them including trying to remain as civil as possible through all this to keep them from the middle of a nasty fight which it seems she is hell bent on making happen. 

Just to repeat myself the abuse claims didn't start until after I changed the agreement because of her life choices and that felon she had around. So either i have become a monster since August 16th or shes just trying to swing things in her way because of how things have changed for her and the fact she hasn't paid rent since the summer and won't get assistance without being able to put them on her Assistance application. 

Either way i am very stressed and my anxiety is through the roof and im dong my best to manage it. Just gonna get ready for Monday and see what happens.


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## iaschneider5

Today the Local police dept showed up at my door. Served me with a "good guy" order of protection against me that was filed yesterday. Lists some of what the CPS woman said an lists what my ex wants. 

That I stay away from the children, her residence, place of employment, schools, all school related events and activities, and that she be granted immediate sole custody. 

right now none of that is in effect until the hearing.

The cops said they see this all the time and even told me to start recording (I have been) and ignore her phone calls and limit talking to about kids. They said all she need to do now is say I threatened her and they will have to come get me. 

Called my lawyer she said she's not even sure my exes lawyer knows about all this and considering the judge made the hearing for after the divorce hearings shes not taking it too seriously. My lawyer has said in the past that they see this a lot and courts know when one side is just trying to say things their way. Hearing for this is Feb. 1st

Texted my ex today which is the 2nd or 3rd time Ive asked for a mutual meeting spot. I have suggested the Police dept in the city between us since its a midway point. My local police are up farther past me and the one for her town is out of the way for both of us considering the shape of the town. 

Her réponse "I don't understand why that's necessary" "but ok"

I also asked for her and her mom to stop coming to the bus stop on the days that are mine to pick up and she just said "no problem" because they will do that often yet If a kid forgot a book or folder or something she doesn't want me dropping them off where the kids can see because my youngest sometimes gets upset and wants to go with me and all of them want to give me a bunch of hugs before I go and she's trying to avoid that.


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## Marc878

It would be in your best internet to communicate only through text or email. Talk will get you nothing. I would keep a VAR on me at all times.

This is the second time your attorney brings up her lawyer may not know? So what does that have to do with anything?


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> It would be in your best internet to communicate only through text or email. Talk will get you nothing. I would keep a VAR on me at all times.
> 
> This is the second time your attorney brings up her lawyer may not know? So what does that have to do with anything?


I have make sure my cameras around my house are rolling 24/7 and I have 30 days cloud storage for all motions and audio recordings which is good. 

Since she agreed to meet at the police station I will have my windows open and make sure my dash camera is recording at all times for video and audio, Also i have been hitting record on my phone whenever I'm near her. I had misplaced my regular audio recorder but have since found it so gonna keep that on me also. 

I think what's shes tryin to say is shes doing all this behind her lawyers back and he's getting blindsided with all of it. Makes it hard for him to know what's going on and be ready for it all and shows how out of control she is. By doing what's shes doing now shes trying to go around Supreme court and get into family court and I know why. She has always said that family court is partial to the mothers ( thats what she believes anyway) so I think thats what she's hoping for here. 

As I said im not perfect but I find the timing funny. Wait almost 2 years for all of this and only do it after the agreement was changed and shes not getting her 5 day weekend which was ridiculous anyway. At the end of the day shes in an apartment she hasn't paid for in months and under her car my oldest has been hospitalized twice with broken bones, and there has been 2 other minor fractures requiring many dr visits.. That hasn't happened here and my taxes are paid so no worry of losing my place of residence.


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## Marc878

Of course. It’s a ploy on her part. You can’t fix that. You can only protect yourself. 
Good luck.


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## Chuck71

She is in complete desperation mode...... STAND STILL..... she will implode


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## iaschneider5

CPS was set to come last monday but over the weekend all three kids passed around the stomach bug than me. So she's coming tomorrow and then again before the holiday. My nerves rant at me at all! 

I now have 5 different forms of recording on me when I'm around her, Dash cam 1 with rear camera, Dash cam 2 facing inside the car, My smart watch with a recording app(sends it to my phone) my phone and a voice recorder. 

Oh another hit today. In my mail today was a letter from the local DFCS. I'm being investigated for my snap eligibility and a meeting has been set for dec 27th. Meaning im being investigated for fraud. Gee I wonder where this is coming from.. Perhaps my wonderful soon to be ex wife trying to say she has them more so she can get the snap and housing benefits? Na im sure that's just my paranoia and im sure this is just a normal thing that happens..... 

Hope all have a good holiday.


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## Marc878

Keep your attorney informed.


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## Chuck71

Keep in mind, this was planned


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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> Keep your attorney informed.


Oh yeah i updated her on all of it. CPS was here today for about 30 minutes. coming back around 430 when she's done with another visit to see the kids here. She has already met with them apparently. 



Chuck71 said:


> Keep in mind, this was planned


Maybe it was to a degree but I'm not sure if shes that smart. If it was me I would have started this earlier not a month before court! Although she did mention while back her and BD were gonna move to Florida when he retires in 5 years and when I asked how because we would both need to agree she said "I know how custody works" Wonder i I should mention that to the CPS worker. I have a few things I wanna mention that I forgot about but away from the kids. 

One would be about in the petition she put my son is acting out at school because of how i treat him( the same son who last night after I was bringing him to his mom after therapy wanted to come home to me and constantly asks for more time here) but today in a text she told me about something that happened last night at her house and I asked where she thinks its coming from and she said the kids on the bus and a bull that's been messing with our son. 

So is it me or the bus...?


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## iaschneider5

Well, I emailed my lawyer last night to see when we can talk before court. She emailed me back and those dates were tentative and the court never scheduled them. I was told as long as she won her election those would be the dates. 

So I'm not sure when it will be scheduled now I just hope it's not months away. 

I don't even know what to say. 

Happy new year everyone. 

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## jlg07

Sorry ia about this --- I know you will have to wait until Monday to find out, but try to firm up those dates. Why hasn't your lawyer done this for you already?
I DO hope that this year is MUCH better for you and your kids and brings the divorce to closure.


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## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> I think she's pregnant and this will be her way if saying why it happened.


As long as you don't get credited for it, not the end of the world.
Shows what her objective(s) are.
I'm sure it will serve as an appropriate garnish to the case your attorney is trying to present, if true.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Sorry ia about this --- I know you will have to wait until Monday to find out, but try to firm up those dates. Why hasn't your lawyer done this for you already?
> I DO hope that this year is MUCH better for you and your kids and brings the divorce to closure.


She believed those dates were set as well she just found out they weren't. The court system where I am is horrible. In fact the family court was rated the slowest in the entire state and this judge is one of those judges too. I'm sure covid isn't helping and now cases up going up again here. 

I just want this to start at least. Haven't heard from the cps worker again she did say she wants to come back again. I did send her the screenshots she asked for yesterday. 

Thanks me too! Guess we shall see what happens. 

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## iaschneider5

Tdbo said:


> As long as you don't get credited for it, not the end of the world.
> Shows what her objective(s) are.
> I'm sure it will serve as an appropriate garnish to the case your attorney is trying to present, if true.


If she is she's hiding it and there's no way she can say it's mine considering she's already had one by someone else. Would just show even more so how irresponsible she is. 

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## Tdbo

iaschneider5 said:


> If she is she's hiding it and there's no way she can say it's mine considering she's already had one by someone else. Would just show even more so how irresponsible she is.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


I wouldn't ever say no way, given the present assault she is perpetrating upon you.
I haven't followed your thread for awhile; however, sounds like she is now approaching the Asylumtown city limits.
You should try to limit any contact with her to e mail and text, whenever possible.
Good to hear that you are utilizing technology (in a redundant manner) when you need to be around her.
Be careful. Sounds like she could be becoming more unraveled over time.
Utilize your attorney for communication whenever possible.


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## iaschneider5

Tdbo said:


> I wouldn't ever say no way, given the present assault she is perpetrating upon you.
> I haven't followed your thread for awhile; however, sounds like she is now approaching the Asylumtown city limits.
> You should try to limit any contact with her to e mail and text, whenever possible.
> Good to hear that you are utilizing technology (in a redundant manner) when you need to be around her.
> Be careful. Sounds like she could be becoming more unraveled over time.
> Utilize your attorney for communication whenever possible.


I'm doing everything I can to keep my distance and record as much as possible when around her. Everything is in text for contact. I insisted we meet at the police station even though she said it was unnecessary. she always brings her mom who always has something smart to say. 

I just keep my mouth shut and leave. 

Given CPS involment and the order of protection I'm not taking any chances. 

Really wish court was this week though. 

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## iaschneider5

Kids came home yesterday and at bedtime my 9 year was upset saying his hand hurt. He said something happened to it as his mom's. I asked if he needed I've he said no. Today he complained about it again. I took a look and he has a small bruise at the joint of his thumb. 

I asked him what happened and he seemed hesitant to share, there was a bit of a... let's call it a kerfuffle at his moms and I have 2 versions. Both versions involve his mom throwing a hotwheels car at him which hit his hand and caused the bruise. 

Not a major injury, nothing broken but WTF?! 

But I'm the monster. 

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## jlg07

Document this, and if possible have the CPS folks talk to him and get THAT documented. She's going off the deep end.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Document this, and if possible have the CPS folks talk to him and get THAT documented. She's going off the deep end.


I emailed my lawyer about it, gonna see what she has to say. Hopefully I hear back tomorrow.


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## jlg07

Take pictures before that bruise fades...


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Take pictures before that bruise fades...


I did. the one pic its hard to see for some reason but you can see scratches its not huge. The second pic I took was fuzzy but could see more of the darker color from the bruise.


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## Chuck71

Let's cut through the BS..... take him to the police station, have them question him on what

happened and let THEM pic it. Plain clothed officer of course. She is planning something, I've

said that awhile. She is predictable as boiling water. Her ways are erratic but observe her past

behavior. It's the best predictor for future behavior. She is using the kids as leverage.

Shows her hand right there. Nothing new.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Let's cut through the BS..... take him to the police station, have them question him on what
> 
> happened and let THEM pic it. Plain clothed officer of course. She is planning something, I've
> 
> said that awhile. She is predictable as boiling water. Her ways are erratic but observe her past
> 
> behavior. It's the best predictor for future behavior. She is using the kids as leverage.
> 
> Shows her hand right there. Nothing new.


I didn't think of that, that would def being playing fire with fire. Only downside is it puts the kids in the middle even more. 
The bruise is all 90% gone at this point but I do have some pics and I did record both boys giving me their side of the story. The one who has the bruise left out the part about how he three something at her of course. 

I did ask her if she knew what happened to his hand and she played dumb.

I did email my lawyer shall see how that goes. No word yet on court. Where I am with the uptick I'm covid cases I'm sure things are gonna slow down again and there's talks about schools going remote again. They are having staffing issues, Delays for transportation issues it's a bit of a mess. 

I was already planning on fighting to have the kids in my district next year but just found out not only will it be 3 different schools for us the oldest has to be in an hour earlier then everyone else. I'm about 15 min away from their schools and it just seems unnecessary to go through all that back and forth in the morning and afternoon. 2 different drop off and pick up times when I can have a bus pick them up on front of my house or at the very worst at the end of my street. 

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## iaschneider5

Well I got an email from my lawyer... Subject line "Oh Boy" her message stated "well this is not helpful"

My exes lawyer filed something with court stating he is owed $4,892.50. Bunch of lawyer talk but what sparked my interest is it says 

"An order of show cause is requested, because CPLR 321 requires such an order for the commencement of this motion. Furthermore movant requests interim relief in the form of a stay of further proceedings during the of this motion, the plaintiff is not in a position to defend this action during this interim period"

Does that mean he's trying to pause the divorce proceedings? waiting for my lawyer to respond i might just call her. 

My ex has paid him 5k so far and owes him 5K... I'm maybe $5600 in with mine.


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## Affaircare

In layman's terms, I think ex's lawyer is asking for the divorce hearing to be put on hold temporarily until this motion is addressed. S/he's making a motion with the court to be paid before s/he proceeds. The divorce hearing is put on hold, because essentially the lawyer is saying "I'm not doing any more until I'm paid, and thus (ex) wouldn't have a lawyer to defend her position. 

So essentially, the Show Cause Order and Motion will be settled first...then the divorce proceedings can continue. While the Show Cause and Motion are proceeding, the divorce will be on hold. Your exW owed money and the lawyer is trying to get the court to order her to pay it. It's gonna delay things.


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## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> In layman's terms, I think ex's lawyer is asking for the divorce hearing to be put on hold temporarily until this motion is addressed. S/he's making a motion with the court to be paid before s/he proceeds. The divorce hearing is put on hold, because essentially the lawyer is saying "I'm not doing any more until I'm paid, and thus (ex) wouldn't have a lawyer to defend her position.
> 
> So essentially, the Show Cause Order and Motion will be settled first...then the divorce proceedings can continue. While the Show Cause and Motion are proceeding, the divorce will be on hold. Your exW owed money and the lawyer is trying to get the court to order her to pay it. It's gonna delay things.


Thats how I viewed it but I just spoke to my lawyer and she said he's asking the court to be able to drop her. She's not listening to him and not paying and he doesn't wanna deal with it anymore. Of course its still gonna delay things again while my children mental health and mine suffers. 

FML


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## Affaircare

Well she's a battleaxe of a woman, doesn't listen to the lawyer, stirs up trouble everywhere, and doesn't even pay her bill!! Of course the lawyer wants to drop her! UGH  What a piece of work.

The wheels of justrice grind slowly.


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## iaschneider5

Affaircare said:


> Well she's a battleaxe of a woman, doesn't listen to the lawyer, stirs up trouble everywhere, and doesn't even pay her bill!! Of course the lawyer wants to drop her! UGH  What a piece of work.
> 
> The wheels of justrice grind slowly.


I don't even know how to respond to this crap TBH. I did ask my lawyer about the emergency petition she had mentioned. She said if needed we can do it. I think its needed! but I know the exes lawyer doing what he's doing complicates things. 

The kids are stressed and I can see it, I'm stressed and they can see it and not just about this and even my ex is stressed its obvious and she's having some serious medical issues from what I gather with the little bit of info I have. And shes still trying to remain in control wherever she can smh


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## Chuck71

Her focus lies where? Push forward for whatever.... she is stalling......trying.....trying to find a 

loophole that isn't there. Tighten the grips..... because she means war


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## iaschneider5

I asked my lawyer about it. She said it's expensive because she has to write an affidavit. She said I can help her by sending her a narrative of what yhe kids are going through. I told her same as Herr I think they are stressed and it could be causing some of their issues. Idk if it is but it could be linked. 
I'm trying to figure out how to write this and what info is Important and what isn't. 

I think the newest lawyer development adds to it as well because it will delay this more and make it so the kids have to endure this ridiculous schedule longer. 

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## iaschneider5

Filed my taxes, Letting her claim all 3 and splitting it apparently makes me greedy or I dont understand the situation shes in im a cheater, I get the snap etc etc. Literally $13,000 if she took them but she didn't wanna do 50/50. Its less for me doing it but I'm tired of these games. 

CPS is coming back tuesday I called a week ago to try get this over with and she got back to me yesterday. It was a 12 minute conversation and she was asking me questions about the therapy for the kids and is there anymore outbursts at her house etc. I think the fact she's asking me those questions says a lot and not about me about my ex. 

Today my boys were telling me about she continues to smack them on the mouth, back of neck, butt, back and legs. My oldest showed me a bit bruise on his leg and that it hurt. I asked him how it got there and he said something to the tune of " I don't remember but I think mommy threw a car at me" I asked is that what really happened and he said I think so. He then said mommy throws stuff at us a lot. 

It was just me and him at that point and I called his brother in and told him what his brother said and he said yea she does that a lot and hits us every time we are there and it hurts.


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## Chuck71

Screw CPS...... police station we go. If you did what she did, you'd be in jail.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Screw CPS...... police station we go. If you did what she did, you'd be in jail.


I thought about that last night and decided to look through the order or protection again because I remembered something. So after the list of things that are in it that I'm told to refrain from doing which is basically everything but but breath since shes kind enough to let me continue doing that it says that she can continue all of those things and will not face punishment or something like that. So If I went to the police would they do anything? Ive been pondering that question all night. 

Now CPS is coming tuesday so If I tell her all these things how would she react and what can she do? As I stated before when she heard about the hotwheels being thrown at my youngest son she said shes gonna have to investigate that and most of her questioning was pertaining to my ex and how the kids are doing there. I think the investigation has turned off me and now at my ex but I could be wrong. 

And yes your right I absolutely would be. i still fully expect her to call and try have me put in jail once we have a court day ya know the day before or day of just because. If we ever get an actual court date.


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## jlg07

I wonder if she is doing this stuff so that they GET bruises and she can blame it all on YOU?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> I wonder if she is doing this stuff so that they GET bruises and she can blame it all on YOU?


That thought has been in my mind aswell. Luckily whenever I talk to the kids about what happened they say it was her doing. I have 2 separate recordings of them saying it. I have the screenshots of me asking her about the bruise on the 9 year kids hand. I didn't bother asking about the 10 years leg, I'm gonna just talk to cps when she is here. 

Tomorrow is therapy for my 10 year old and I bring him. She usually brings me in to ask how he's doing after. I think I'm gonna go in first and talk to her about it. Or maybe cps first idk

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## iaschneider5

Surprise surprise she lied about getting her W2 and filed the taxes already so mine was rejected. Yet I'm the issue and the controlling one!


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## Chuck71




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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Surprise surprise she lied about getting her W2 and filed the taxes already so mine was rejected. Yet I'm the issue and the controlling one!


Seriously, I know you want to keep things civil, but just take the gloves off already in terms of the divorce. Do what YOU want to do and ignore her. She's a real POS -- just make sure your lawyer knows this and will take appropriate actions on the $$$$


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Seriously, I know you want to keep things civil, but just take the gloves off already in terms of the divorce. Do what YOU want to do and ignore her. She's a real POS -- just make sure your lawyer knows this and will take appropriate actions on the $$$$


Yeah I know. What a mess. Hey I tried to file with all 3 she got to it first and lied. I called my lawyer she will be calling me back. 

I will be telling the cps worker about what was said to me from my kids. 

While I expected some of the typical divorce behavior from watching my parents, here goggle etc she seems to have taken a nose dose off the deep end.

Gonna see how this goes. 

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## Ragnar Ragnasson

iaschneider5 said:


> Surprise surprise she lied about getting her W2 and filed the taxes already so mine was rejected. Yet I'm the issue and the controlling one!


This wasn't really a surprise was it?


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## Marc878

At this point you really shouldn’t be surprised at anything.


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## iaschneider5

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This wasn't really a surprise was it?


That was as sarcastic as I could possibly be lol

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## iaschneider5

Marc878 said:


> At this point you really shouldn’t be surprised at anything.


Oh I'm not. Just curious what's next. Maybe we should take bets on what it will be?! 

One thing idk if u mentioned is I did get my kids a cellphone awhile back one of those free ones from lifeline. They were messing around with it in the house and it went poof. Given the state of my life i forgot about it until I found it again. Expired so I reapplied and they are sending me a new one. Cool. 

Same night my kids shared about everything I told them a new phone is coming and we gotta make sure to keep it charged and in a backpack etc. 
My youngest boy without missing a beat as soon as I said it's on the way asked what do we do if mommy tires to take it from us... and they both started asking can they run from her and call me etc. 

The fact that's the first thing that pops into his head when I mention getting them a phone for emergencies says alot to me. He fears his mom will try take it away

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## jlg07

OK, what will happen NEXT? Whatever your stbxw can to do to get MORE $$$$$. I think almost all of this is motivated towards that. If SHE gets the kids (she doesn't WANT them mind you... she just gets pissed off by them) then YOU have to pony up more $$$ for child support....


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## Chuck71

Be nice if the kids taped her screaming and cussing at them....just sayin.

You can think of the darkest, devious thing a human could do and... she would try it.

Those phones are NOT hers, if she takes them away from the kids, threaten to

go to the police (don't but she doesn't know that). She seems sheepish when you

corner her but manipulating as he!! when you're not around and she is with the kids.

It's like she sits on her ass all day thinking how to F you over. 

But her plan is crafty.... yell, scream, beat the kids to get custody and more CS.

Love to ask her how's that working out so far! Collect evidence....present it to police,

CPS. Have them exchange #s. She will end up getting her ass thrown in jail for a 

short time and end up paying you.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> OK, what will happen NEXT? Whatever your stbxw can to do to get MORE $$$$$. I think almost all of this is motivated towards that. If SHE gets the kids (she doesn't WANT them mind you... she just gets pissed off by them) then YOU have to pony up more $$$ for child support....


It absolutely is. When we discussed the taxes and I said 50/50 split she started going off about how I get the snap and she gets nothing etc etc. She has said in the past she needs the kids on her case so she can get the housing benefits. 



Chuck71 said:


> Be nice if the kids taped her screaming and cussing at them....just sayin.
> 
> You can think of the darkest, devious thing a human could do and... she would try it.
> 
> Those phones are NOT hers, if she takes them away from the kids, threaten to
> 
> go to the police (don't but she doesn't know that). She seems sheepish when you
> 
> corner her but manipulating as he!! when you're not around and she is with the kids.
> 
> It's like she sits on her ass all day thinking how to F you over.
> 
> But her plan is crafty.... yell, scream, beat the kids to get custody and more CS.
> 
> Love to ask her how's that working out so far! Collect evidence....present it to police,
> 
> CPS. Have them exchange #s. She will end up getting her ass thrown in jail for a
> 
> short time and end up paying you.



Yeah that would be nice. No parent is perfect but they are telling me it happens almost everyday! Im gonna make sure the phone stays tucked in a backpack and doesn't come out unless its an emergency. Cps was supposed to come today but my ex asked me to switch the days this week so instead of them coming back today and then going back to her house tomorrow night then back to me the following night they just stay there until tomorrow night. Its madness either way.

Anyway the Cps worker told me do whatever is best for the kids and shes gonna go to my exes house today to talk to the kids. I found it interesting shes going back to see them again. I was gonna talk to her in person about what my kids said to me but I'm thinking of calling her back and just telling her over the phone before she meets with them but im not sure if they will talk to her like that with their mom there or if she would even bring it up.


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## iaschneider5

So yesterday Cps called me back before going to her house. I told her what the boys had said to me about what their mom does to them. she said she was going over this evening and would talk to them and her about it. 

Today at 10am I got a call from my daughters school that she was absent. Ok could be an error happened with one of the boys before. Called and confirmed shes not there so I texted my ex.. no reponse. Finally got back to me saying she will be late to school. I asked why and she said she had an appt. 

I called the dr office too no appts set. I have a pit in my stomach about what is going on but either way this is the next stage in her plans I'm sure. 

Unless im over thinking it and worrying for no reason but I always tell her right away if I keep someone home and she has too. Her lack of responses and vagueness are worrisome.


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## iaschneider5

2 texts from her since the phone call from the school which was at 950.

I just called the school and my daughter was dropped off right before the call. Still nothing from my ex.


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## iaschneider5

ok finally I was told she had an appt with the cps worker. So the worker wanted to meet alone with my 6 years old daughter. I wonder why


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## seadoug105

iaschneider5 said:


> ok finally I was told she had an appt with the cps worker. So the worker wanted to meet alone with my 6 years old daughter. I wonder why


you said it was your boys that talked about being hit, so perhaps she was just confirming the stories..

Why is it you just found about this after investigating? Weren‘t you always informed before? Especially with it seemingly being so important to schedule so a last minute, and to keep her out of school.

it could be much worse… just gonna say it…. The dirtiest pool a STBXW can play is to accuse their spouse of being a pedo…. Often these accusations revolve around a daughter…


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## iaschneider5

seadoug105 said:


> you said it was your boys that talked about being hit, so perhaps she was just confirming the stories..
> 
> Why is it you just found about this after investigating? Weren‘t you always informed before? Especially with it seemingly being so important to schedule so a last minute, and to keep her out of school.
> 
> it could be much worse… just gonna say it…. The dirtiest pool a STBXW can play is to accuse their spouse of being a pedo…. Often these accusations revolve around a daughter…


I figure shes up to something and believe me I've already had that thought quite a long time ago. Thats the first thing that came to mind as soon as I found out she wasn't at school. I figured it was a dr, the lawyer or CPS. 

My ex was pissy that I texted her a bunch but idc, she would have done the same thing to me. I found out my daughter wasn't in school "she had an appt" means nothing I wanted to make sure she was ok. Her vagueness says it all. 
Shes def over confidant because when she referred referenced the cps apt she said that my daughter had a meeting with and used her first name. 

Next week is the court for the order of protection I see the dirty tricks coming as quick as she can think them up

To make matters worse all I wanted to do after having this horrible day for many reasons was see my kids for the 3 days I will have them and now about hour an half before pickup time I was informed that my wonderful mother in law has tested positive for covid and everyone was around her yesterday. My ex took a test few minutes ago and came positive. So my kids have stay with her for at least 5 days. 

I just wanna see my kids and now i can't.


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## iaschneider5

Spoke to my lawyer today and she told me to file an order of protection against her because of what the boys told me. Court is tuesday for her order of protection I will do mine today and maybe both will be addressed.


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## Evinrude58

I agree that your wretched ex wife will do anything and dream up any story imaginable to get more custody or full custody of your kids in order to extract every dime she can from you so she doesn’t fade to work in any way. 
I think you need to be more aggressive in getting the law in your side in order to get full custody yourself. I wouldn’t want my daughter around any of the inevitable trash that will come sniffing around your lousy ex, because that’s all she will attract is trash.

Do whatever you can, use whatever means necessary to keep your kids safe.
Expect the worst. Your ex is capable of anything.


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## thunderchad

Yet another example of why you never date or marry a single mother.


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree that your wretched ex wife will do anything and dream up any story imaginable to get more custody or full custody of your kids in order to extract every dime she can from you so she doesn’t fade to work in any way.
> I think you need to be more aggressive in getting the law in your side in order to get full custody yourself. I wouldn’t want my daughter around any of the inevitable trash that will come sniffing around your lousy ex, because that’s all she will attract is trash.
> 
> Do whatever you can, use whatever means necessary to keep your kids safe.
> Expect the worst. Your ex is capable of anything.


Ive done what I think will at least get the point across to her that I'm gonna push back on her claims and what shes doing. im not gonna back down from anything and after the kids the next big fights will be the tax return and car.

In the petition it states about the hotwheels throwing, where shes been hitting them but the neck didn't make it in there and it says joint custody instead of sole. I went back to fix about the next and the custody but they told me it would be ok and the woman at my lawyers office who made a copy said similar. 
The woman who helped me get the petition together also included some other things like how she continues to say that one of my cats is hers, and she also included about how my ex said he regretted letting me adopt her boys. 

In my exes petition she wants me to attend parenting classes, anger management etc. In mine anger management and parenting classes are included but also a psychiatric evaluation... I'm sure that one ticked her off. 
Pretty sure she was served yesterday as when I asked her about the taxes she said something to the tune of " I respectfully ask that you only contact me about the kids etc etc" 

I did get the kids to my house, after talking with Dept of Health they said get them out of her house if they test negative because technically it starts the isolation for them over everyday. My ex was fighting me slightly on it and still insists the kids can go back to school tuesday but after I spoke with the one school nurse she said my version of how they were interacting with her at her house is different then what my ex had told them. They expect her to stay in her room at all times and if needing to share a bathroom wear a mask and wipe it down. My ex was not doing that which in her defense she can't really but not being completely honest is about it is 100% on her. Gonna speak with the head nurse tomorrow to see when they are ok with them going back. 



thunderchad said:


> Yet another example of why you never date or marry a single mother.


Sorry i don't agree with that, Being a single mother doesn't make you a bad person just acting like this does. I'm sure being fed by her mom and all her friends "who have been through this and know how is goes" doesn't help" I have known poeple who would have slit each others throats if given the chance but when it came to the kids they did everything they needed to do and kept it civil for the kids benefit. 

All this is about money and the benefits and a need for control when her life is falling apart around her, trying to maintain any bit of it she can when in reality she has none. And while she has parents that are together and never experienced going through divorce her parents marriage is far from healthy with a mother who has that same need for control and her father who just takes it and suffers in almost silence so she grew up watching all of this behavior first hand.

All of this isn't because she is a single mother and saying something like that is saying all of them are likely this when that simply cant be true.


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## iaschneider5

So the CPS case worker called me back today. She is finishing up her report today and submitting to the court for tomorrows hearing at 4. She told me she did ask my kids about the allegations I have made and another worker has visited the house after I submitted my petition. 

She said my youngest boy claims the hot wheels throwing was an accident and his mom didn't mean to do it. He was questioned at her house with her within earshot. As soon as we hung up I hit record on my phone called him in and asked him what happened " Mommy chased me up the stairs I ran into the corner and she threw the car at me" 
So either he lied to her out of fear of his mom since he was there or she lied. I'm gonna lean towards him makes the most sense. I should have put her on speaker and asked him! Shes gonna come back again next week when they are here. 

So when I was accused of abusing them they were questioned at their mothers apartment when I accuse her of abuse they again get questioned at her apartment. It should have been at a neutral place and I said that from the beginning. or at the very least here when I accused her. 

And the new worker also did it at her apartment.


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## DownByTheRiver

Marc878 said:


> A friend of mine has two girls in grade school and he does a hard no contact. Text or email kids or D only.
> Pickups and drop offs take him 2 minutes. He says it works great. Kids adjusted to it.
> You could do the same if you wanted too. So this is really your problem. You control you and your phone. What’s keeping yourself in this getting you?


Yeah, I think setting it up where you each have full responsibility for the kids 3 1/2 consecutive days of the week (Sun-Wed and Wed - Sunday half days on Wed) will keep you from having to talk except just to drop off twice a week. There will be no asking the other to do something when you have the kids, nothing at all. You can also ask the judge or get an agreement between your attys to use a special email system (Google email for parents sharing custody) that will limit how you communicate and keep copies you can use in court. This will stop the nastiness and a lot of miscommunication and unwanted interruptions and requests. The kids get to see both parents the same amount of time. You both have equal time off from the kids to work and get things done. It's the norm in the US.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, I think setting it up where you each have full responsibility for the kids 3 1/2 consecutive days of the week (Sun-Wed and Wed - Sunday half days on Wed) will keep you from having to talk except just to drop off twice a week. There will be no asking the other to do something when you have the kids, nothing at all. You can also ask the judge or get an agreement between your attys to use a special email system (Google email for parents sharing custody) that will limit how you communicate and keep copies you can use in court. This will stop the nastiness and a lot of miscommunication and unwanted interruptions and requests. The kids get to see both parents the same amount of time. You both have equal time off from the kids to work and get things done. It's the norm in the US.


A lot has changed since that was posted. But in my order of protection petition filed I included contact through a parenting app only. What I'm tryin to figure out now is why the CPS worker told me as much as she did, I feel as she said too much and shouldn't be saying so much. Maybe I'm wrong.


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## DownByTheRiver

iaschneider5 said:


> A lot has changed since that was posted. But in my order of protection petition filed I included contact through a parenting app only. What I'm tryin to figure out now is why the CPS worker told me as much as she did, I feel as she said too much and shouldn't be saying so much. Maybe I'm wrong.


Glad to hear. I'm afraid I don't have any idea what's appropriate with the CPS worker. They are basically investigators.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> Glad to hear. I'm afraid I don't have any idea what's appropriate with the CPS worker. They are basically investigators.


That's what has me confused. Why would she tell me things when technically she became involved to investigate me. Well tomorrow is court guess we shall see how It goes 

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## jlg07

Just make sure your lawyer is aware of the difference in the story from what he said at HER apartment, and what he said at YOUR apartment...


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## DownByTheRiver

iaschneider5 said:


> That's what has me confused. Why would she tell me things when technically she became involved to investigate me. Well tomorrow is court guess we shall see how It goes
> 
> Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


Maybe it's a good sign. Or maybe she was fishing.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Just make sure your lawyer is aware of the difference in the story from what he said at HER apartment, and what he said at YOUR apartment...


Oh I emailed her right away and we are gonna talk tomorrow before court. In terms of CPS im hoping that since my exes apartment hasn't been paid for since the summer and its plainly obvious shes trying to get custody to get the benefits that will come with it vs my house being bigger and im not having the issue of eviction looming will benefit me in terms of the report. but who knows at this point. 



DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe it's a good sign. Or maybe she was fishing.


Yeah could be, trying to see my reaction see if I get mad perhaps.. Which I didn't.


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## DownByTheRiver

iaschneider5 said:


> Oh I emailed her right away and we are gonna talk tomorrow before court. In terms of CPS im hoping that since my exes apartment hasn't been paid for since the summer and its plainly obvious shes trying to get custody to get the benefits that will come with it vs my house being bigger and im not having the issue of eviction looming will benefit me in terms of the report. but who knows at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah could be, trying to see my reaction see if I get mad perhaps.. Which I didn't.


If you don't do 50/50 custody, you will end up paying for part of her expenses. I guess that's not what they're trying to determine but whether the children are safe with both of you or only one of you.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you don't do 50/50 custody, you will end up paying for part of her expenses. I guess that's not what they're trying to determine but whether the children are safe with both of you or only one of you.


Yeah this isn't even divorce court we only have this date because my ex filed a order of protection and called CPS. She has requested sole custody and me do bunch of programs because I'm a monster who must beat my kids daily... or its because shes gonna get evicted so she needs the kids on her snap case and the law guardian said she was fabricating things because she doesn't like how things were playing out. 

I will also be asking for sole custody based on what I've been told and everything else that's happened. Thats why the agreement changed in the first place back in august.


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## DownByTheRiver

iaschneider5 said:


> Yeah this isn't even divorce court we only have this date because my ex filed a order of protection and called CPS. She has requested sole custody and me do bunch of programs because I'm a monster who must beat my kids daily... or its because shes gonna get evicted so she needs the kids on her snap case and the law guardian said she was fabricating things because she doesn't like how things were playing out.
> 
> I will also be asking for sole custody based on what I've been told and everything else that's happened. Thats why the agreement changed in the first place back in august.


You will probably end up sharing custody. Even if they take or limit custody for you they will always give you a set of steps to regain custody and that will apply to each one of you.


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## iaschneider5

DownByTheRiver said:


> You will probably end up sharing custody. Even if they take or limit custody for you they will always give you a set of steps to regain custody and that will apply to each one of you.


Well I'm hopeful that they at least make her do the pysch evaluation. The law guardian is backing me according to my lawyer unless that's changed and I don't know about it. Cps knows my ex lied about what was said to the law guardian I had the proof. 

My lawyer said this could be all done tomorrow or at the very least gets things moving divorce wise overall. She seemed hopeful for my side of things 

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

iaschneider5 said:


> That's what has me confused. Why would she tell me things when technically she became involved to investigate me. Well tomorrow is court guess we shall see how It goes
> 
> Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


I think they see you as a nice guy and a great dad and feel you deserve a good break.

STBXW's castle of cards are about to fall down on her.

There's a paddle for everyone's ass and hers is about to begin.


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## Affaircare




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## Evinrude58

I hope you try for abd are granted full custody.


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## Marc878

Why would you question a kid at his mothers place with her in hearing distance? It seems to me that any child would be coerced into making excuses in that setting. 
I hope it works out for you. The problem is you can’t be assured common sense or unbiased opinions will prevail.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> I think they see you as a nice guy and a great dad and feel you deserve a good break.
> 
> STBXW's castle of cards are about to fall down on her.
> 
> There's a paddle for everyone's ass and hers is about to begin.


Hope so, truthfully I don't expect much to happen maybe make us both attend classes or something idk. Waiting for my lawyer to call.


Evinrude58 said:


> I hope you try for abd are granted full custody.


I think that's something that would only happen in my dreams. 



Marc878 said:


> Why would you question a kid at his mothers place with her in hearing distance? It seems to me that any child would be coerced into making excuses in that setting.
> I hope it works out for you. The problem is you can’t be assured common sense or unbiased opinions will prevail.


I was gonna ask the worker that but I didn't wanna seem combative but I told all this to my lawyer so she knows. They should be questioned at a neutral place for ay questioning. And nope could be other factors at play shoot maybe my ex and the worker know each other who knows. Im hopeful that adding in that shes already coached my oldest on what to say to the law guardian that it will be taken into account.


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## iaschneider5

well 15 minutes and i was over. Main thing CPS says all homes are safe. The story on me is a bit blown up and I will attribute that to them being questioned at her house and they repeated the story about the cars bing thrown as an accident which according to my son is false. 

My ex didn't like when she was called out on the neck and some other things. 

Judge said maybe both need parenting classes which is fine I told my lawyer earlier anything she does I will do either way. I'm not sure if in the next hearing if my lawyer will bring up my concerns with the story. I will be talking to her tomorrow. 

She did say to me today that a Psych eval would be something to bring up in divorce court. As of right now divorce is stopped until the 22nd when my ex and her lawyer go to court over his motion to be relieved. The judge gave my ex a lawyer for the divorce which I didn't think was possible. 

My ex was pissed when the judge was talking about the baby and she tried to say there's paternity paperwork and all that but judge said it doesn't matter right now. 

My ex had had an advocate from a local women's battered shelter which is further proving a point from someone that knows a bit about the situation that my ex is playing the victim and she also said its seems like she has munchausen syndrome by proxy. 

** I once punched a hole in a wall in 2014 I think it was after finding out my gf had cheated on me while at work**** that's the only time I have ever stepped over the line in regards to her on anything physical ill own it and at the same time say f*** it i was mad. I stayed she stayed wtf is she trying to say? smh

The judge mentioned the taxes even though it wasn't a divorce hearing cause my lawyer mentioned she keeps taking them on hers. She didn't really like that, my ex said she doesn't agree because of the earned income credit "which I would get anyway" which is not true for this year at least. So lets see how that goes..... 

As I'm wiring this my ex texted me about the kids going back. Nurse at the high school says next tuesday but I believe dept of health said saturday was the 10 days. I asked about taxes and my ex said what about the food stamps because I also qualify and its hard to feed 5 people on a budget for 2 especially with allergies and baby formula.. Any suggestions?

If she wasnt nasty c*** from the beginning I would have no issue sharing and doing what we need to do for the benefit of our kids... all 4 of them lmao! 

About that first text I couldn't help myself and had to poke the bear. I asked when I could see my infant son... Yes yes i know limit contact I had to cause I saw it pissed her off when the judge was talking about it! Let me have my little bit of fun! haha 

Worst part about all this is the schedule stays intact this stupid schedule that drives us insane and the kids hate. 
Thats what's bothering me the most about all this.


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## iaschneider5

Law guardian emailed my lawyer and asked for me to bring the kids to see her again. Set for next thursday. 

Im really upset at how this cps case was handled in terms of how they and where they questioned the kids. I'm trying to figure out what I can do about it.


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## QuietGuy

the CPS must have standards they have to follow, an appeal process or advocate that can assist you.


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## iaschneider5

QuietGuy said:


> the CPS must have standards they have to follow, an appeal process or advocate that can assist you.


I would assume so but when she filed something against me they questioned her at her house when I filed hey did the same thing. That doesn't make sense to me. In my opinion it should have been done at the school or the case worker office for any of it.


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## Evinrude58

I totally agree. Something is off. And it could be a system that’s slanted against men. Are all the case workers ladies?


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> I totally agree. Something is off. And it could be a system that’s slanted against men. Are all the case workers ladies?


The first one is. Shes around my age if I had to guess. The new one I'm not sure but she has only went and spoke to my ex so far not the kids or me. The first one will be back here next week I believe.


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## Evinrude58

A hot wheels car toss isn’t gonna do it. Sadly, it’s gonna have to be a much worse incident for the court to take them away from their mother.
And honestly, your kids would have to report a horror story before these people would take action against the mother. Usually drugs or broken bones. I’m sorry. 
Just try snd be prepared. When they are a little older, you can revisit if they demand to be with you and are willing to speak up about it to authorities.


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> A hot wheels car toss isn’t gonna do it. Sadly, it’s gonna have to be a much worse incident for the court to take them away from their mother.
> And honestly, your kids would have to report a horror story before these people would take action against the mother. Usually drugs or broken bones. I’m sorry.
> Just try snd be prepared. When they are a little older, you can revisit if they demand to be with you and are willing to speak up about it to authorities.


I didn't expect to get sole custody based on that and I don't expect to get it anyway. I was hopeful that reporting the fact she chased my one son up the stairs and tossed a toy at him along with them both saying it has happened before would lead to some type of evaluation of her. She started this CPS stuff not me. My fight was for the custody schedule and when she didn't like how it was going she started this. 

The reason the agreement was changed in the first place that sparked all this crap from her was because of many factors some of which include injuries and of course what the kids have been saying like the car throwing and back of neck hitting etc. While these injuries may have not been caused by her there was certainly enough in the story to warrant changes in favor of me which is why I changed the agreement in august and the law guardian agreed with it. 

My oldest in the past 2 years has broken his femer, She called me while screaming at him saying he was fine as he was crying in the background. Dropped him at my house and left to go meet up with future baby daddy number 3. I had to call her back to come bring him to the ER. 

He also has broken his wrist after being outside for a long enough period of time alone that him and his brother could use left over building materials and other random objects to make an obstacle course in his grandmothers backyard which led to him falling and moving his hand away from his arm. 

Summer of 2020 I think it was he was outside unattended long enough to be able to bring a chair over to the pool (ladder was locked) and climb in it while it was full of shock treatment which lead to a minor chemical burn all over his body. Mind you there was an "adult" outside watching this happen his uncle who was outside int he she smoking weed and didn't bother to stop him but once he was in the pool went inside and told everyone what happened. 
My ex called me while screaming at him and me about what had just happened and repeated her famous words to me" I dont know he does these things" or " he never listens to me"

2 minor injuries he fell over on his bike while riding it in the backyard at grandmas either barefoot or with crocs on "because he doesn't listen" again alone outside and fracture his foot.

Again alone him and his bother started fighting over a small trampoline which resulted in the older kid falling and fracturing his wrist. 

Lots of phone calls to me about them not listening or " can you talk to them" " I dont understand why they dont listen to me"
Calling her names like B**, As***, bad mom etc

Sure some of these things are kids being kids and injuries happen but none with me and they go outside have fun climb all over the place etc


The list goes on and that's what led me t change the agreement which was gonna be 3 days her 4 me but she got to keep the 5 day weekend which the kids dont want anyway. I changed it to 3 her 4 me. Law guardian agrees with it. 

Im not saying I'm perfect both her and i are human and s*** happens but when looking at the list of things that has happened or choices that are made well thats why things changed and thats why things have been favoring me lately. 

Shoot just tonight my youngest son poked his arm on a nail sticking out of a piece of trim I had laying against the wall. Stupid thing turned around and he didn't see it. cried for about 15 seconds then went about his business. I just finally leveled and screwed in the new bottom cabinets I added to my kitchen and had to remove the trim to get them in and put the piece there. Now i have finally moved it to the garage. Things happen just a larger list with her and more serious things if I might add at least IMO. 

Even her brother has called her a bad mom, little while back I shared they got into in front of all the kids he was calling her names he took her phone said she needs to watch her kids better she never does all this stuff which she shared for some reason and shes gonna most like have to move back into that house which would be fun! Thing that annoyed me the most is I asked how the kids were after that and she said "fine" and then proceeded to tell me how upset the baby was and he doesn't like screaming and he was crying etc.. I ignored her after that. I forget how long ago the was now.


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## jlg07

Can your kids video any of this craziness going on at her place? That way THEY don't have to really say anything. The vids would speak for themselves.


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## Evinrude58

Damn. All I can say.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Can your kids video any of this craziness going on at her place? That way THEY don't have to really say anything. The vids would speak for themselves.


I wish! That would be too obvious and she would put a stop to it. When it comes to the broken bones I mean there is lots of proof there. Shoot for the femur and the wrist he had to be brought to a hospital little over an hour away from us. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Damn. All I can say.


Thats just some of everything that built up that made me change the agreement in august. The last one was that dude she had around who she later called psychotic..

I wonder how CPS would few all those broken bones happening one kid. Abuse? Neglect perhaps. Maybe nothing but anyway that's why I changed it in august and the law guardian backed me up on it.


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## iaschneider5

Picked up the kids from the bus stop roughly 15 min later when I got home the first thing I pulled out of the mailbox was a letter from the CPS worker. Says on 01/27 someone reported me to the statewide central register of child abuse etc. Now at first I didn't see the date so a mild heart attack set in but when I saw the date i remembered the date I filed my order of protection so im gonna assume its because I did that and this is just how it works. I called her to confirm just left a message.


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## iaschneider5

Ok so CPS called me that was because I filed one. Now I'm just back to my normal anxiety haha

Finally got my ex to give me the tax numbers first she tried to just give me the federal but I figured it was a wrong number.. oops forgot 5k extra from the state! So all total $24,879. What a number. She wants to give me 3k! Yet im the greedy one! smdh. $6688 is for the new baby so deduct that and figure it out. Judge told her to talk to me about it so hopefully she just works it out with me and doesn't drag it to court.


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## iaschneider5

Well no wonder its cold outside my ex has agreed to a number to give me from the taxes for this year and for last year. Little bit less then I would get from last year if the numbers were crunched but that's ok. She wants us to sign a paper stating that we agree and have it notarized. I don't think thats an issue but ill confirm with my lawyer. 

My biggest issue is what to do with it since i have either an impending bankruptcy and they take it, or I make a deal to pay off my debts but still pay taxes on the rest which I dont have the money for. Decisions decisions haha

Also shes back to try being nice and having random conversations but since I wanna make sure I get the money from her I need to play along for now to make sure I get it, and shes been slightly less hostile that I dont mind of course.


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## Chuck71

Be wary of anything she does, she is as predictable as paint drying.

The only thing she will willingly give you is....hell.

Take the paperwork to your lawyer before signing anything.

Your BSC WW could tell me my house was on fire

and I wouldn't even raise up a hand to feel the walls


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> View attachment 82958
> 
> 
> 
> Be wary of anything she does, she is as predictable as paint drying.
> 
> The only thing she will willingly give you is....hell.
> 
> Take the paperwork to your lawyer before signing anything.
> 
> Your BSC WW could tell me my house was on fire
> 
> and I wouldn't even raise up a hand to feel the walls


Oh I know. ill be calling my lawyer about it tomorrow as I still need to talk to her anyway. She did agree to let me write it up which I didn't expect. 

Shes reverted back to her semi nice self and back to sharing more. Like today she texted me to inform me that my boys threw their sisters expensive doll down the stairs and broke it for no reason at all besides to just be mean. That stuff has happened in the past and she would always tell me about it, once she filed the order or protection and called cps it stopped. Now its started again. Along with the random conversation just one so far but it was over 3 days. Just about ice and how her complex doesn't take are of it. Started the conversation by sending me a screenshot of an email her complex sent saying be careful salt doesn't work in low temps etc. 

Not sure why she has started that up again but until I receive the money i have to play along as its a decent number and id like to get it.


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## iaschneider5

So this is interesting. One son has to get tonsils removed so has pre op and cover test tomorrow. So she confirms that I can bring him I said of course and she made a comment how about how I was involved in the last one ( because she insisted she did it all) so I made a comment referring to her controlling nature. She misunderstood the meaning but said 
"its medically proven that my brain doesn't function normally" i think she made a mistake sharing that no? I'll be mentioning it to my lawyer when I speak to her. 

And yes I gave her a sarcastic answer back. I said I could have told her that without a medical degree! 

but her admitting that she has medically proven issues with her brain is an interesting fact.


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## Chuck71

Investigate "who" threw the doll.

And if your kids did, investigate why.

All roads will lead to the same place.


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## Chuck71

and her admitting her BSC-ness helps you....in what way?

When you stop treating her as a friend, things will be much more simplified.


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> and her admitting her BSC-ness helps you....in what way?
> 
> When you stop treating her as a friend, things will be much more simplified.


It was both of them messing around but the youngest boy admitted to throwing it down the stairs. Kids will be kids but they not do stuff like that here or at the very least to that extent. Perhaps copying his mom and he throwing stuff at them?

BSC?

I have been but at this moment I have to kinda. She has agreed to give me a large sum of money I gotta play nice for the time being. Id prefer if she went through with it and not changed her mind.


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## iaschneider5

My lawyer is on vacation so she will be back monday and ill call her. 

My ex and I still share some friends on facebook even though I'm not really into it. Saw one of them donated to her birthday fundraiser. Its for the shelter she had that advocate from on the court hearing. Because "Their mission means a lot to me" While I would never knock them as an organization as I know people they have helped I just can't stop trying to figure out what her plan is with all that. Shes only just started with the advocate stuff so im curious how far shes gonna play this victim card in the court. Time will tell while still being nice to me again. 

She tried to have a conversation about the dental benefits which involved signing up for almost $60 a month insurance and wouldn't be effective for what we need for 6 months, I tried to ask about the health insurance overall since in june we will be kicked off unless she gets the disability retirement from her job but as usual she doesn't wanna talk about and be prepared for the future. I had to ask how its gonna be able to be afforded as the health insurance alone is $400 a month and after the first year on disability her income will be 21k before deductions not including dental, vision, deductibles and copays. Her response was " No one said that would be my only income that's where parts of the conversation are none of your business" Fair enough but she told the courts she had no income or resources. Guess thats something else to mention to my lawyer!


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## farsidejunky

BSC = Bat **** Crazy.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

farsidejunky said:


> BSC = Bat **** Crazy.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Ya know I should have got that one. Fell on ice in my driveway Sunday and my head is a bit rattled let's blame it on that lol

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


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## iaschneider5

Theres a court date for my ex tomorrow and her lawyer for him to drop her. I didn't know it but I guess I have to be there not sure why unless something has changed. My lawyer sent me the invite to it but shes off today for the holiday so I can't ask her what's up. Ill try call her in the morning. 

Today my kids have Drs appts apparently when there is a CPS investigation the Dr office wants them to come in for an exam and they did it for the one she filed and now again for mine. My ex is insisting on bringing them in and when I said I wanted to be there to she said that's probably a conflict since I'm the one that called and then I said its probably a conflict that she goes then all of a sudden it was fine if I went. Not sure i can stop her from going but I'm def going.


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## Chuck71

Your STBXW has more angles than a geometry teacher. Just be aware...


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> Your STBXW has more angles than a geometry teacher. Just be aware...


Funny you should mention that. First the dr visit went fine we were fine shes been real friendly for the most part. There was a quick little attitude from her when the dr was asking what the allegations were. This was on my report and I said id prefer to not talk in front of the kids so the dr and I stepped out and I told her and she asked a few more questions but not before my ex said something along the lines of " what does it matter if its said in front of them the allegations were very exaggerated anyway" At one point when she was talking to the dr the door was open to the hallway and her kid ran out since he's walking now. I gave her 15 seconds to react and she didn't even notice so I went and grabbed him and my daughter ran out with me. She had just gotten up when I came back in with him smh!

Anyway back to what you said about angles. 2 weeks ago when I brought my oldest to therapy the therapist and I spoke after like we always do. She said she just wanted to let me know that my other son had told her about how sometimes there's a stinkbug or spider in my house and we had ladybugs a few months ago. I acknowledged because it happens they come in during the winter. The last bugs lasted for about a week and then maybe 1 or 2 here and there but stopped weeks ago and the stinks bugs is maybe 1 or 2 every few weeks. Happened at any place I've ever lived. And spiders i mean same it happens. She she wasn't concerned or it wasn't anything she would report but just wanted to tell me that he said it. I found it odd she told me that but thankful shes open with me. I am not concerned about stinkbugs or ladybugs I take care of them if I see them and its very few and far between.

This was on the 14th I believe. Yesterday the caseworker called me and said she wants to come see the kids again as she tell me she needed to one more time at my house, I made the appt for 5PM and I explained that non of us are feeling good right now and she said she could just see the kids at the door ( 9 year old had tonsils out which I'm not to happy about because it wasn't needed, Daughter was very tired, oldest was sick from the weather changing so sniffles and throat hurts and Im working off a concussion and just had my second covid shot and it was beating me up a bit) but I said ok

Then she said oh but I do need to walk through your house because I got a report that there's bugs in your house.... JFC.
Either it was the therapist but why would she have told me? Even mine said who cares about stink bugs and lady bugs or my ex overheard him talking or him saying it and called. Id ask if shes really that petty but I think we all know the answer. UGH.. I did end up changing the day as when I got the kids nobody was in the mood for it. The caseworker said shes gonna go to their moms house and meet with them since didn't come yesterday. I asked if I could bring them in to her office and she said that's not needed.

After the Dr. appt I took my oldest home with me as he had therapy at 3, As soon as we pulled away from the dr office he started telling me how "mommy took the phone you gave us" and "she smacked all of us on the back of the necks again because the other 2 didn't wanna leave grandmas house" She knows shes not supposed to be doing that but is doing it again anyway!!

Tonight at dinner the kids and I were discussing when they are going to their moms and coming back and they expressed they don't really wanna go, I asked why and they said because mommy keeps smacking us and we are mad at her because she lied to us... What did she lie about? The kids did exactly what I told them to do if she hit them again and called her out on it!! They both told me they talked to her about her smacking them and she said she doesn't do that and never has. What the actual f***. I have all this recorded too ive listened to it a few times and each time I get more upset because they are very upset about it and so am I. And my younger son also mentioned the smacking of the mouth.

My younger son admitted how he lied to the caseworker because he was scared he would get in trouble by his mom for saying what happened. Now my oldest said he told the caseworker that his mom chased his brother up the stairs and threw the car at him but the caseworker never reported this! Either he's lying about saying it or she just didn't feel the need to report it. They both told me they are ready to talk to her again because they are tired of their mom hitting them. Now that they have the phone I have them they can call me if she gets mad at them which they seem happy to have. My youngest son he one who lied out of fear even said " I'm gonna go first this time"

My brain is a bit on fire tonight.


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## jlg07

Record your kids telling you all this, and then have a meeting with the caseworker AND her supervisor and ask why these things were not documented.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Record your kids telling you all this, and then have a meeting with the caseworker AND her supervisor and ask why these things were not documented.


Thats def a good idea. I emailed my lawyer about the whole bug thing and rescheduling just so she's knows but I'm calling her Monday to tell her all this stuff. There is a conference on he 3rd for the lawyers and my ex since she doesn't have one. 

My ex is plainly trying to manipulate the kids onto saying what she wants. Say it enough and they will believe it. Started when she took them to the LG in August. 

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Thats def a good idea. I emailed my lawyer about the whole bug thing and rescheduling just so she's knows but I'm calling her Monday to tell her all this stuff. There is a conference on he 3rd for the lawyers and my ex since she doesn't have one.
> 
> My ex is plainly trying to manipulate the kids onto saying what she wants. Say it enough and they will believe it. Started when she took them to the LG in August.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


You may also want your lawyer to attend the meeting with the social worker and her supervisor -- can't hurt.

"started when she took them to the LG in August."? What is this mean?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> You may also want your lawyer to attend the meeting with the social worker and her supervisor -- can't hurt.
> 
> "started when she took them to the LG in August."? What is this mean?


Yeah I'll see what she says. August 16th 2021 I changed the agreement custody wise. Took out the 5 day weekend that I don't want and neither do the kids. 

August 31st my ex took the kids to the LG and told my son to tell her that I smashed his tablet in front of him. Which did not happen and he even stated when he returned home to me that his mom told him to say it and that he didn't even know it was broken until she told him. Somewhere from when they were here and gone it cracked so I put in for a replacement under warranty which happens to be under the amaz9n account we shared. 

The LG even stated in her email as her official statement on record for the conference shortly after her visit with the kids that she believed my ex fabricated allegations because she does not like how things were going. So to me thats the first official record of her manipulating and coaching the kids. 

And now my kids are telling me their mom is saying to their faces that she never hits them when they have told me on multiple occasions that she does. All 3 kids have said it. 

Sent from my SM-N986U using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

"are telling me their mom is saying to their faces that she never hits them when they have told me on multiple occasions that she does. "

Wow gaslighting her own children --- I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but DAMN.


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## Affaircare

jlg07 said:


> ... "started when she took them to the LG in August."? What is this mean?


LG = Legal Guardian. It's like a Guardian ad litem...a lawyer for the kids.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> "are telling me their mom is saying to their faces that she never hits them when they have told me on multiple occasions that she does. "
> 
> Wow gaslighting her own children --- I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but DAMN.


To me this speaks to some sort of mental illness or just the need to play the victim card as much as she can idk. Even my lawyer said having the advocate from the woman's battered shelter is move some do to try play the victim. 

My oldest who's 10 was upset telling me about his mom lying to him, he begged to stay in my bed tonight which he does do on occasion but he had an accident. That hasn't happened in at least 2 or 3 years. Considering I'm still up and anxious over it vs being in bed already over what he told mw I'm gonna say he's a bit stressed out about it too. 

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## iaschneider5

The kids are gone now until wed night. They will be speaking with the caseworker again at their moms this week. Hopefully their mom doesn't take the phone and they tell the truth which is what they seemed eager to do. 

Youngest son lost a tooth last night which I think his newly developed teeth grinding helped remove aswell. I wonder if thats stressed related too hmm.. As we were getting ready to leave he changed his mind and brought the tooth with him because of course he wants his tooth fairy money sooner haha He said his mom won't let him take any money from her house tooth fairy or earned over to my house but he wants to. And then he told me how his grandmother gave him a dollar for a good grade on a spelling test, He gave it to his mom since he didn't have any pockets at the time and when he asked for it back she said she "lost it" What the hell is going on with her. I thought it was bad enough but now everytime I talk to them its something new. Its not the most serious thing but what the hell give the kid his dollar back! 

I'm gonna either call my lawyer first thing tomorrow or write an email laying out everything that I basically did here of what they told me. See if she has any ideas or advice on what should be next given everything they said to me.


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## iaschneider5

Well wrote my lawyer a long email last night laying everything out from the last few days. She's gonna call tomorrow I think and her response to the email was she thinks we should do make an application for temporary custody at this point.

Today picked up my oldest for therapy and he said he tried to talk to his mom again and she again denied it and even accused them both of lying to me about what's been happening. So not only is she lying to them she's calling them liars.

Also the therapist they see has dropped our insurance. She said she will do $40 per session which is generous but I don't think thats something either of us can maintain for the long term. Just hate to have to switch them again. Trying to talk about it with my ex.


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## iaschneider5

Second draft of the emergency petition was looked over and I gave the ok on it. On the other side of things there is an appearance on the 14th in front of the judge. Not sure what its for ill find out monday when I call my lawyer.


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## Wolfman1968

iaschneider5 said:


> Second draft of the emergency petition was looked over and I gave the ok on it. On the other side of things there is an appearance on the 14th in front of the judge. Not sure what its for ill find out monday when I call my lawyer.


Good luck!


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## iaschneider5

Wolfman1968 said:


> Good luck!


Thanks, everything was filed on the 8th. Court monday is for two things one to dismiss her lawyer and the second I believe is my order of protection. My lawyer said this may also be added. Monday will be an interesting day.

This week was one of those come to my house on Tuesday back to moms next night then back to me on Thursday night deals. When they came back Thursday night I asked them if there was any issues and they said no.. 
My younger son said that his mom didn't hit him but its probably just because she broke her wrist and can't. The fact he believes the only reason his mom didn't hit him while he was there is because she broke her wrist is disturbing.


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## iaschneider5

Oh in a funny story to tell they have that cell phone whenever they go there and they always text me to the point they get in trouble and she it away because they arnt listening (I do back her up on that as they need to listen to her). Anyway I had it plugged it in on the kitchen counter and asked them if they wanted to text her and say hi or for anything and the younger one shrugs and says no and my older boy gave me a dirty as look and so real loud no! I laughed and had to turn away so he didn't ask why haha!

So at moms they basically run away from her and not listen in order to contact me just to say hi or tell me about finding a car they were missing etc but with the phone here accessible at any moment they don't wanna talk to her. Gee I wonder why?! She's constantly taking it away and hiding it according to them mainly when they dont listen


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## iaschneider5

Woke up today from a text from a friend. She sent me a screenshot of a convo between her and her sister. The sister lives at the same complex as my ex. Her bf was getting her kids on the bus today and she said a cranky old lady (my soon to be ex MIL) was getting the kids on the bus there was a few words exchanged between her and the kids but one of my boys said "I don't want you to beat me" There was other words exchanged but only other thing he heard was from the grandma saying "I'm not gonna beat you"

Also my daughter apparently wouldn't get on the bus, she finally let me know why well what it is according to her. Apparently allergies acting up so she's gonna send her tomorrow. If allergies though wouldn't she have noticed and gave her medicine before sending to the bus and why was her mom the one doing it anyway. ugh. What a thing to wake up to!


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## iaschneider5

So big news. The judge made a temporary order in terms of custody. 3 days with their mom and 4 with me! 
There is a trial date set for april 11th maybe because the court is busy. She originally said september! She has ordered my ex to show cause on the petition and assigned the lawyer that was given to her for the family court matter now also for the supreme court matter so he's gonna try work with my lawyer and figure this out but as mine and the kids pointed out we have been trying with no luck. The judge pointed out there has been a lot of conferences and nothing has happened. 

The judge did note that CPS said both homes are safe etc. She mentioned the hot wheels incident and smacking to where the kids said it doesn't happen to the worker. Its the only time I spoke up and said just so it was recorded that the kids were questioned at their mothers house and came and told me they lied because they were worried about about how she might react. 

My ex was quite heated when she was talking. Her new lawyer noted when we couldn't see her that she was shaking her head no when it was pointed out that she was smacking them. 

I m not perfect I know I'm stressed I know there's times where I need to catch myself more so along time ago vs now. I'm stressed, anxious worried about my future I wanna get this divorce done I need to figure out bankruptcy and what im gonna do for my future in terms of work making money supporting my kids etc But I would never deny anything that has happened and I step over a line I always talk with them and we talk I apologize, we discuss what led to it what can be done to prevent it from both sides etc. I do the same just if they are at each others throats which has been happening a lot lately. I'm hopeful the new schedule changes all that. 

But she does not do these things. She accuses them of lying and lies herself and claims she doesn't do these things to them. They came to me asked me to help them and I told them to talk to her and she lies to them. She can't even be an adult take it and admit she was wrong. Maybe now since this order was put in the new lawyer she has can get this done and we can move on. I will again ask her to do therapy with me for the benefits of our kids, Not to get back together but to get our personal things out of the way and work on becoming better coparents and work together for their benefit.


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## marko polo

iaschneider5 said:


> So big news. The judge made a temporary order in terms of custody. 3 days with their mom and 4 with me!
> There is a trial date set for april 11th maybe because the court is busy. She originally said september! She has ordered my ex to show cause on the petition and assigned the lawyer that was given to her for the family court matter now also for the supreme court matter so he's gonna try work with my lawyer and figure this out but as mine and the kids pointed out we have been trying with no luck. The judge pointed out there has been a lot of conferences and nothing has happened.
> 
> The judge did note that CPS said both homes are safe etc. She mentioned the hot wheels incident and smacking to where the kids said it doesn't happen to the worker. Its the only time I spoke up and said just so it was recorded that the kids were questioned at their mothers house and came and told me they lied because they were worried about about how she might react.
> 
> My ex was quite heated when she was talking. Her new lawyer noted when we couldn't see her that she was shaking her head no when it was pointed out that she was smacking them.
> 
> I m not perfect I know I'm stressed I know there's times where I need to catch myself more so along time ago vs now. I'm stressed, anxious worried about my future I wanna get this divorce done I need to figure out bankruptcy and what im gonna do for my future in terms of work making money supporting my kids etc But I would never deny anything that has happened and I step over a line I always talk with them and we talk I apologize, we discuss what led to it what can be done to prevent it from both sides etc. I do the same just if they are at each others throats which has been happening a lot lately. I'm hopeful the new schedule changes all that.
> 
> But she does not do these things. She accuses them of lying and lies herself and claims she doesn't do these things to them. They came to me asked me to help them and I told them to talk to her and she lies to them. She can't even be an adult take it and admit she was wrong. Maybe now since this order was put in the new lawyer she has can get this done and we can move on. I will again ask her to do therapy with me for the benefits of our kids, Not to get back together but to get our personal things out of the way and work on becoming better coparents and work together for their benefit.


She does not want to get better because she doesn't believe she has done anything wrong nor does she believe there is anything wrong with her. She wants to be in control. 

You will be very disappointed if you continue to attempt to reason with her. Distance yourself from her and co parent as best you can.


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## iaschneider5

marko polo said:


> She does not want to get better because she doesn't believe she has done anything wrong nor does she believe there is anything wrong with her. She wants to be in control.
> 
> You will be very disappointed if you continue to attempt to reason with her. Distance yourself from her and co parent as best you can.


Oh I know but no disappointment at all. I fully expect it but I will continue to try because i think it may help. Maybe not but it's worth a shot. What will happen is we will go the therapist will point our flaws and she will disagree with them and state that I have manipulated them. She's already said as much about my current therapist, kidd, my lawyer etc. That's gonna be her defense I'm sure. 

The judge did ask who brought the kids to her so she was insinuating maybe I was telling then what to say. All I ever do is tell them be honest and don't worry about getting in trouble because they won't. 

It will.never happen but the courts will see i tried and that she doesn't care. See her character 

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## iaschneider5

Little dirty trick my ex played this week for anyone interested. AFTER court when the kids came home and she informed them of the schedule change which she made sure to include the words"for the time being" she says they said they wanted to do something fun on Saturday and asked when their next Saturday is with her (which according to them they didn't say) and she then told them that she had a "fun surprise" planned but now can't do it because of the change. When they got in the car I was hoping they would be happy which they were but the first question was can we leave it for this week because mommy has a fun surprise planned for Saturday. Dirty little trick to make me the bad guy if I say no! 

To me saying it after the schedule was already changed and having the kids ask me about it vs her is an attempt to manipulate the situation. My fear is what's next and what she's gonna try do.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> Little dirty trick my ex played this week for anyone interested. AFTER court when the kids came home and she informed them of the schedule change which she made sure to include the words"for the time being" she says they said they wanted to do something fun on Saturday and asked when their next Saturday is with her (which according to them they didn't say) and she then told them that she had a "fun surprise" planned but now can't do it because of the change. When they got in the car I was hoping they would be happy which they were but the first question was can we leave it for this week because mommy has a fun surprise planned for Saturday. Dirty little trick to make me the bad guy if I say no!
> 
> To me saying it after the schedule was already changed and having the kids ask me about it vs her is an attempt to manipulate the situation. My fear is what's next and what she's gonna try do.


Simply tell them that Mommy knew about the schedule change, so she should have taken that into account when she planned your surprise.
Then tell them that all of you can go have fun this weekend instead -- and take them to a park or ice cream or.....


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Simply tell them that Mommy knew about the schedule change, so she should have taken that into account when she planned your surprise.
> Then tell them that all of you can go have fun this weekend instead -- and take them to a park or ice cream or.....


I let them leave 2 hours early after talking with them about it. She knew what she was doing and she got them excited on purpose and had them ask because she "wasn't going to ask". I made it known that it was a dirty trick she played and next time she needs to talk to me about stuff like this first etc. She ignored it of course but its there in text. Ill bring it up to my lawyer just so she has the info and can bring it up if she feels its needed to be mentioned. 

Oh and the "fun surprise" was Chic Fil a. Closed on sunday so of course has to be saturday.


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## iaschneider5

Just to note the closest one to us is about hour away so for the kids they do consider that something out of the ordinary. Still a dirty trick none the less


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## iaschneider5

CPS came and went. Her questioning here was mainly focused on me not her and she didn't ask them again about the hot wheels incident. She called me today and told me the report against my ex was determined to be unfounded. I mostly expected that slightly concerned if it will reflect bad on me but in the end it still seems the LG is on my side. 

Before the worker let she said another report was made against me by my ex surprise surprise. It was a 60 second conversation and could tell she wasn't taking it seriously.

She has yet again tried a dirty trick as I see it anyway. She has told the kids about an easter egg hunt on a saturday during a time they would be with me. She said they wanna go and stated we can meet there if I "don't want to give them to her" Seems innocent enough but I asked her after the last time to talk to me first but this is a game to her. and I'm sure her mom would be there and i really don't want to be around her mother. I don't think its a good idea overall. 

Gonna give this some thought because if I give in it will continue and get worse im sure and its putting her in the position she wants to be in.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> She has yet again tried a dirty trick as I see it anyway. She has told the kids about an easter egg hunt on a saturday during a time they would be with me. She said they wanna go and stated we can meet there if I "don't want to give them to her" Seems innocent enough but I asked her after the last time to talk to me first but this is a game to her. and I'm sure her mom would be there and i really don't want to be around her mother. I don't think its a good idea overall.


So why don't YOU take your kids to the Easter egg hunt and don't tell her or them until you have them. Tell them like Friday night that you have a surprise for them tomorrow....
Ignore her doing this stuff -- turn it around on her -- use HER idea for yourself...


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> So why don't YOU take your kids to the Easter egg hunt and don't tell her or them until you have them. Tell them like Friday night that you have a surprise for them tomorrow....
> Ignore her doing this stuff -- turn it around on her -- use HER idea for yourself...


I found one in my town on the 9th which I will take them too. The one she is talking about is on the 16th. She told me very early and will pester me got a response. I'm gonna think about what to say for a bit before I respond. 

If I ignore her she will figure out some way to get it through to the kids that I'm the bad guy. She may have some screws loose in her head but she seems to know what she's doing to put me in the position that she wants me in. Or maybe she doesn't know she just happens to be so messed up that every move she makes inadvertently puts me in the position to look bad and give her that position of power she craves. 

Apparently they already know about it. I am gonna try find out if they do or not without directly asking them. Lately there has been alot of the kids say one thing but she will say another. If I had to guess it's to try make it seem as though the kids are lying so when we are in court she can bring it up and try say they are Also lying about the hitting etc. 

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## Wolfman1968

marko polo said:


> *You will be very disappointed if you continue to attempt to reason with her.* Distance yourself from her and co parent as best you can.


Or as Robert Heinlein wrote in the book "Time Enough for Love":

"Never attempt to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."


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## iaschneider5

Heres another one. Today my oldest shared something that happened at school. A bit of a continuation of the bullying incident that happened few months back. On of the things that came up was being honest as he was called a snitch for reporting the kid to the teacher. we went through what I always say which is be honest. He had an issue and told the teacher which is what he should do. This was a pretty serious thing that happened. 

Anyway during the part about honesty we just said being honest is the right thong to do etc with whoever and he says " Mommy tells us that you are telling us what to say" She has said it a few times last he remembers is before she took them to the law guardian the last time. She took them again this week at the LGs request this was prior to that. They both expressed that it upsets them when she says these things. 

A few minutes later I apologized to them on behalf of her since I know it upsets them because it does me aswell. I was completely honest and said she's just trying to make me look bad and its nothing you need to worry about just continue to be honest. My oldest then said something like " I think she just does it because she mad we say we wanna be here more and she wants us to want to be there more"

The fact he believes that is disturbing and just shows she's slowly undermining her own relationship with her kids. Makes me wonder again what else she is doing or saying to them. I'm very concerned some of this might start to stick. At minimum with the youngest who is 6. So far she has been very outspoken and loves her mother but wants more time with me which she now has.


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## iaschneider5

So just had court. Didn't last long we have another date coming up. CPS reports both unfounded. BUT Judge said that CPS has different standards and the kids lawyer pointed out that my ex took the kids to see her and they keep saying the same things and have even said that she told them to tell her that she doesn't hit them! Judge told her there's lots of help she can get and a bit more on that. Her face was pretty damn pissed! 

It was mentioned by her lawyer that they are sending some stuff over to go over and see if I agree. She wants to try do a different schedule and her lawyer mentioned a 2-2-3 schedule and I just looked it up that looks horrible and confusing, especially on the kids. One kids maybe but 3 dragging every 2 days back and forth seems too much. Shes trying to make sure she has a full weekend with them. 

Called my lawyer since the email she said confirming the date was wrong so just wanted to confirm and she fixed it and we spoke for a few. She brought up the school change before I did but she agrees it needs to happen.


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## iaschneider5

And another one. Last night kids came back and I noticed some type of scab on my sons leg and he said he noticed it Saturday bur ut didn't know what happened. looks like maybe he scratched something while sleeping IDK. Anyway he then after saying when he noticed it said he showed it to his mom when he got into his grandmothers car when I dropped them and said he didn't know what happened and her immediate response was " daddy did it to you". 
I was not asking him about his mother just what I noticed and he bought it up. He said he doesn't understand why she says these things smh. 

Just something else to share with my layer and add to the war chest against my ex. My lawyer is hopeful we can keep this out of court but I'm not.


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## jlg07

iaschneider5 said:


> And another one. Last night kids came back and I noticed some type of scab on my sons leg and he said he noticed it Saturday bur ut didn't know what happened. looks like maybe he scratched something while sleeping IDK. Anyway he then after saying when he noticed it said he showed it to his mom when he got into his grandmothers car when I dropped them and said he didn't know what happened and her immediate response was " daddy did it to you".
> I was not asking him about his mother just what I noticed and he bought it up. He said he doesn't understand why she says these things smh.
> 
> Just something else to share with my layer and add to the war chest against my ex. My lawyer is hopeful we can keep this out of court but I'm not.


It sucks that she is trying to use the kids against you and also turn them from you. Such vindictive BS -- SHE is the one who cheated!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> It sucks that she is trying to use the kids against you and also turn them from you. Such vindictive BS -- SHE is the one who cheated!


It really is. They see it. She's causing a lot of damage to them the more she does it. They will just grow up hating her at some point. 

I can't help but think if I was the one doing these things and getting called out in court that they would have taken custody away from me.. maybe I'm wrong. Maybe in supreme court they would do more idk


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## jlg07

Well, just you do you. Make sure that YOU do all the right stuff with your kids, love them, play with them, help them.
Let them know they can ALWAYS come to you with anything. One of you needs to be stable for them, and it sure ain't her!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Well, just you do you. Make sure that YOU do all the right stuff with your kids, love them, play with them, help them.
> Let them know they can ALWAYS come to you with anything. One of you needs to be stable for them, and it sure ain't her!


I'm trying my best and I tell them that all the time, I think that's why yheh end uo coming to me to tell me things. I did find another therapist finally for them starts next week. They also do art and play therapy. Should be interesting. 

Something interesting I came across I forgot about. 10 days after she left me September 15th 2019 her uncle who was living at her moms house at the time posted a video yo his Facebook with my kids in it. We were friends on Facebook at the time as he was living therr for a little bit prior to her leaving. 

In the video taken in the grandmothers car while she was driving he talks about trump how he's the greatest etc which I don't really care about that people are entitled to like or dislike whoever they want the part that made me reach out to her at the time was things he said. 

"Trump is going to get rid of all the mexicans" "Shouldn't all the Mexicans be deported?"
"He's gonna make America white again" 

Now of those are your views good for you I don't care either which way but saying these things to young children who at the time were idk 6 or 7 Maybe closer to 7,8 I deemed inappropriate and wanted to make her aware. It was our first real coparenting issue I'd say. I will note my ex doesn't think that way and no one had contact with that uncle anymore. But anyway she ended up messaging him after the phone call saying 
"Take the video down I don't have time for his bulls***" he ended up wanting to fight me smh. 
Later on he ending up saying good luck with divorce etc etc and saying he had dirt on her he could share stuff like that. 

While her mom is middle class super religious he was the opposite drug addict in and out of prison she was trying to help him. 

I took a recording of it and forgot about it!

I have responded to my exes demands for the agreement, of she doesn't agree we continue with court may 11th. My lawyer says she's glad shes not her client as court would not go well for her.
Her new.free lawyer I'd alot quicker to get things done too. 

Well back to my cleanup, we got about 6-7 inches of rain and house flooded slightly. I need a long vacation...

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## iaschneider5

Well court will be or start May 11th if the agreement sent is not accepted.

Big things she has to refinance the SUV within 30 days if she can't/won't/ or doesn't I will have the power to take it back and sell or keep whatever I wanna do with it. Kids will go the school district I live in next year. Has to agree to the current schedule which is 3 her 4 me. Few other things and it will be interesting to see how it turns out.

The kids are telling me she has started slapping them again but still denies it. At my oldest request I sent her a message about it and she denied it. Prior to that she had sent some messages about a week or so prior saying my oldest was gonna "tattle" on her that she hit him. Apparently they were throwing shoes and threatened to throw a water bottle at her. She called so the kids could say goodnight and I was on the phone. I called back and I could hear the anxiety in her voice. She was yelling at them talking about how they respect her and note me, they dont listen to her, she doesn't want the phone there and all they wanna do is text me and its only to be used for emergencies and saying goodnight. She cried at least twice during the phone call then I said goodnight to the kids. The story on how the slap happened to his back was he was on he couch pulling his sisters feet and she told him to stop and he didn't something he eventually admitted to me and she claims he got up and backed up into her hand... Yeah sure. 

She has asked me to allow the 2 boys to get passports so they can go on a cruise with their grandparents for 8 days. First she said just the 4 then her and the other 2 kids too then back to just the 4. Now sure I feel about it yet I'm leaning towards no.

Next week Im gonna be battling my home owners insurance because that's become a mess, my local tax assessor with my tax grievance as the assessments around here are all over the place: example a house with 1100sqft more 1 more bedroom and bit more land with a market value less then mine.. yeah that makes sense and the most nerve wracking of all my sweet wonderful caring (throws up in mouth) almost ex wife. I'm not anxious at all.. Wish me luck!


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## Sfort

iaschneider5 said:


> She has asked me to allow the 2 boys to get passports so they can go on a cruise with their grandparents for 8 days.


Or so she can take them out of the country and not return.


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## iaschneider5

Sfort said:


> Or so she can take them out of the country and not return.


Yeah I thought about that but i don't think she's that crazy. And would still need to get our daughter one. I'm gonna set up alerts on my kids names for passports. It will let me know if an app is filed for them. She said she's not going actually said "she can't go anywhere" 

I think a cruise would be fun for my boys but I think it's best left for when they are older

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## Evinrude58

You’re unwise if you allow that during a contentious divorce. That does not need to happen .


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re unwise if you allow that during a contentious divorce. That does not need to happen .


This wouldn't be happening until July and the divorce should be over by then but I'm not sure I'm feeling it either way. Her mom can barely handle them for one night at her house but she wants to take them on an 8 day cruise?! Insanity. 

My first reaction was no but to be fair I'm giving it some real thought just to make sure I'm not basing my choice of emotion towards my own ex alone but also given everything else I have going on my mind is a pretty busy place. 

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## iaschneider5

So got the response from her lawyer, 
She agrees to the custody schedule... Thats actually a surprise but i think I figured out why she said yes

She does not want to change the schools but her lawyer says maybe they can fight about it later. Which means in family court. Something about issues with bullying etc which this school district is better able to handle. Not sure where the proof is there. 

She knocked $1500 off the amount owed to me saying that's the amount we agreed upon but its not. 

She asked for first right of refusal vs me sending to before and after school care if I need to. This would create the same back and forth we had when she was working and they would come here, I'm not a fan of that but at the end of the day not the worst thing as long as the schedule stays the same but I have to think on it. 

Her plan is to bring this to email court because she knows the family court in our county is very slow and she has the thought that they are always for the mother getting that they want. I'm sure the plan is to get to family court it will drag out so the school thing doesn't get settled and then try some shady things to switch the schedule around. 

The car she wants language that to gets refinanced when able but not now as she has no income ensuring all payments are on time etc. BUT then goes on to say my ex claims the payments have never been late.. 20 min after my lawyer sent me this the second collections notice came through from the bank and they have taken money from me on a few occasions that I had to fight to get back. I would really like to know what fantasy world she's living in.. must be great. 

Instead of me taking 2 kids every year on taxes wants me to alternate 2 and 1 with her so some years 1 for me 3 for her my lawyer says 2 for me 2 for her more fair but I wouldn't hold a divorce up over it but I will for the other things. 

Something about a savings account not being martial and even my lawyer is confused by what he means. 

Waiting for a call from my lawyer now should be any minute.


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## jlg07

Ugh -- sounds like one step forward, three steps back with her all the time. At least the custody (FOR NOW) seems to be ironed out and that should help your kids.
I agree that since she already HAS two other kids (IIRC -- I remember the baby but wasn't sure if she was pregnant again?), you should get your two and she has her two for tax purposes.....
Anyway, at least things seem to be moving along for you!!!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Ugh -- sounds like one step forward, three steps back with her all the time. At least the custody (FOR NOW) seems to be ironed out and that should help your kids.
> I agree that since she already HAS two other kids (IIRC -- I remember the baby but wasn't sure if she was pregnant again?), you should get your two and she has her two for tax purposes.....
> Anyway, at least things seem to be moving along for you!!!


It def seems to be moving along. Yeah it should be that way since currently 4 kids even though one isn't mine but I'm not gonna hold this up over that. My lawyer added in that if one can't claim any the other parents has the right to claim them.

On the whole maybe she's pregnant again front I still have my suspicions but no proof. Could just my paranoia and suspicious mind. 

Just learned that yesterday the bank cleared out my account of $485 to pay towards the car loan... Ya know the car loan my ex claims is never late SMDH!


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## iaschneider5

Ok so she accepted the school change. She stated the kids are unhappy about it. I spoke to them today she only spoke to our daughter about it and she said shes only upset because mommy has to drive farther now to drop her off SMH She never mentioned it to the boys.
schedule, and apparently she's willing to hand over the money she owes me which is confusing since according to her no income because its a decent amount. 

Things to be agreed upon the car situation, my lawyer says give her 90 days to refinance or I can take it back. 
I have to give her the ring back which I currently don't know where that is but I'm sure ill find it. Her lawyer is gonna hold some of the money until I return it. 

Button up the healthcare issue. 

I have a suspicion shes got her disability or maybe she won the lottery or some crap who knows but she has a second bank account and the money hand over is too easy.. Its all too easy. Still claims no income but willing to empty her bank account to me hmmm.
Even my lawyer said shes sure that my exes lawyer told it to her straight and said she has no other choice but still.. too easy. She also said she doesn't trust her nor do i. 

I have a bad feeling but things are moving in the right direction and things are going my way. It all appears to be going my way. I fear what's next.. after its done I dont think it will be done.


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## Evinrude58

iaschneider5 said:


> So got the response from her lawyer,
> She agrees to the custody schedule... Thats actually a surprise but i think I figured out why she said yes
> 
> She does not want to change the schools but her lawyer says maybe they can fight about it later. Which means in family court. Something about issues with bullying etc which this school district is better able to handle. Not sure where the proof is there.
> 
> She knocked $1500 off the amount owed to me saying that's the amount we agreed upon but its not.
> 
> She asked for first right of refusal vs me sending to before and after school care if I need to. This would create the same back and forth we had when she was working and they would come here, I'm not a fan of that but at the end of the day not the worst thing as long as the schedule stays the same but I have to think on it.
> 
> Her plan is to bring this to email court because she knows the family court in our county is very slow and she has the thought that they are always for the mother getting that they want. I'm sure the plan is to get to family court it will drag out so the school thing doesn't get settled and then try some shady things to switch the schedule around.
> 
> The car she wants language that to gets refinanced when able but not now as she has no income ensuring all payments are on time etc. BUT then goes on to say my ex claims the payments have never been late.. 20 min after my lawyer sent me this the second collections notice came through from the bank and they have taken money from me on a few occasions that I had to fight to get back. I would really like to know what fantasy world she's living in.. must be great.
> 
> Instead of me taking 2 kids every year on taxes wants me to alternate 2 and 1 with her so some years 1 for me 3 for her my lawyer says 2 for me 2 for her more fair but I wouldn't hold a divorce up over it but I will for the other things.
> 
> Something about a savings account not being martial and even my lawyer is confused by what he means.
> 
> Waiting for a call from my lawyer now should be any minute.


Do not compromise where you don’t hAve to. You’ll regret it. She’s playing you like a fiddle. Learn how to say no to her.
She owes the 1500. Use that as leverage in the other. You want this over do you can have some peace. She likes drama. Don’t let her abuse you with the drama crap. What’s your lawyer say?


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> Do not compromise where you don’t hAve to. You’ll regret it. She’s playing you like a fiddle. Learn how to say no to her.
> She owes the 1500. Use that as leverage in the other. You want this over do you can have some peace. She likes drama. Don’t let her abuse you with the drama crap. What’s your lawyer say?


Theres no compromising on the schedule, school and the car. Those are the things that matter. I agreed to alternate the use of children on taxes because as my lawyer said thats what the judge would do anyway. Not worth the fight I'm getting what I wanted anyway. Everything that was laid out last august that she dragged on until now. 

Just need to clarify if shes giving me money now which would be awesome because its over 10k. But to my knowledge that would clear out her bank account, makes me believe shes hiding something. 

Im very concerned about what she may try to do to get the schedule changed to what she wants after the papers are signed. As my lawyer stated and I agree with she doesn't trust my ex.

Car will need to be refinanced within 90 days or I have the right to take it back. My lawyer had mentioned adding if its late again I also have the right to take it. I didn't see it added so im gonna read this over and make notes after I drop the kids off at school. 

I will say I enjoy bringing my kids to school and like doing it since I have the time but I sure won't mind letting them get picked up in front of the house either vs the 50-60 minutes it takes me to get them to the schools and get home. 

I love how she just can't stop lying like saying the kids are unhappy with the change when its just my daughter and just because her mom has a longer drive now..I'm sure she wasn't fed that at all! Also after she told her lawyer that the car payment has never been late I sent proof it has he came back with it was automatically deducted "once or twice" which was actually 3 counting the one on the 2nd smh! and it only happens because ITS LATE!!! Happens after 10 days being late. 

She also said it was put back immediately which is false it took many phone calls to the bank for me to get it back and she wouldn't do them or pay me back.. I wish I could live in a world of delusion like her! 3 days later im still waiting for the recent one to be put back. 

I agree with my lawyer who thinks I'll be in family court soon.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

iaschneider5 said:


> Theres no compromising on the schedule, school and the car. Those are the things that matter. I agreed to alternate the use of children on taxes because as my lawyer said thats what the judge would do anyway. Not worth the fight I'm getting what I wanted anyway. Everything that was laid out last august that she dragged on until now.
> 
> Just need to clarify if shes giving me money now which would be awesome because its over 10k. But to my knowledge that would clear out her bank account, makes me believe shes hiding something.
> 
> Im very concerned about what she may try to do to get the schedule changed to what she wants after the papers are signed. As my lawyer stated and I agree with she doesn't trust my ex.
> 
> Car will need to be refinanced within 90 days or I have the right to take it back. My lawyer had mentioned adding if its late again I also have the right to take it. I didn't see it added so im gonna read this over and make notes after I drop the kids off at school.
> 
> I will say I enjoy bringing my kids to school and like doing it since I have the time but I sure won't mind letting them get picked up in front of the house either vs the 50-60 minutes it takes me to get them to the schools and get home.
> 
> I love how she just can't stop lying like saying the kids are unhappy with the change when its just my daughter and just because her mom has a longer drive now..I'm sure she wasn't fed that at all! Also after she told her lawyer that the car payment has never been late I sent proof it has he came back with it was automatically deducted "once or twice" which was actually 3 counting the one on the 2nd smh! and it only happens because ITS LATE!!! Happens after 10 days being late.
> 
> She also said it was put back immediately which is false it took many phone calls to the bank for me to get it back and she wouldn't do them or pay me back.. I wish I could live in a world of delusion like her! 3 days later im still waiting for the recent one to be put back.
> 
> I agree with my lawyer who thinks I'll be in family court soon.


Good to hear an update. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress!


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## iaschneider5

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Good to hear an update. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress!


Sure did! only took almost a year to get wha was proposed back then smh! Should hear back today about a few things and then that's it. Maybe be filed by friday with some luck


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## Chuck71

That's what I was asking you about a month or so back.....I thought she was using your

CC without you knowing. Any action should be met with a police report. She's playing to win.....

Counter that...


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> That's what I was asking you about a month or so back.....I thought she was using your
> 
> CC without you knowing. Any action should be met with a police report. She's playing to win.....
> 
> Counter that...


At some point I think a year ago or so I noticed some charges on it that weren't me. I was looking through the paper copies I think. If I remember correctly I had asked her about it but given it was so long ago idr where it went. All those cards are charged off now so not sure it matters. I mean the debt is still there of course. Maybe I'll try get my hands on copies of everything again just to take another look but I'm not sure it's worth the hassle. It was under 100 total if I'm remembering correctly. 

Might have not even have been her I don't remember how well.i looked into it 

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## iaschneider5

I have signed my divorce agreement. She came back with some changes, My lawyer and I changed them to something else which while not perfect in terms of the car and the money owed but still in my favor. I said that's it no more changes. The important things...
The Schedule favors me
Kids are in my school district next year
She has to refinance the car as soon as possible but if it is 5 days late she then has 25 days to refinance it or on day 31 I take it back. She needs to give me $520 in my account so in the event its late and they take a payment the money is there. 
She has a year to give me the money owed, larger portion up front until her ring is returned then the rest. I will be holding onto it until (once I find it) until that day comes. 

The judge has stated that if the agreement is not signed and submitted to her before court is supposed to be tomorrow we will have to show up at 9am in front of her in person. My end is signed no word on my ex yet.


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## iaschneider5

My lawyer emailed me 15 min ago and said no word from exes lawyer yet to check with her in the am. 
Picked out some nice clothes just in case and since I gotta drop my son off early to school for a trip ill be ready to go! 
Should be an interesting morning.


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## Evinrude58

Good luck getting this anchor off your neck!


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## iaschneider5

Lawyer sent email saying all set. I think it's finally over. 

Slight feeling of dread of what she's gonna do next to try mess with me but the divorce is over. 

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## Evinrude58

Now that the divorce is done, she’s limited on the pain she can inflict, especially if you move on and get your mind elsewhere. Congrats!


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## iaschneider5

Evinrude58 said:


> Now that the divorce is done, she’s limited on the pain she can inflict, especially if you move on and get your mind elsewhere. Congrats!


Thanks! Cant believe its finally done. I wish I could enjoy it but I'm battling State Farm over damage to my home. Hopefully soon I can take a nice deep breath!


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## jlg07

Congrats man -- well done! Long haul, but you got the best deal for you and your kids.
Good luck with the ins company, but get ready to move on in your life!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Congrats man -- well done! Long haul, but you got the best deal for you and your kids.
> Good luck with the ins company, but get ready to move on in your life!


Thank you and yes I did I'm happy with the outcome and either way puts me in a good position if I ever need to go further. My ex has ex to transfer the amount of he car payment to me like supposed to so I guess I will let that play out and see how it goes. 
and thanks again, I had a 30 min convo with a supervisor today and she admitted there was a failing on their part for many things. I have it all recorded which is good. 

Sad note i discovered today that someone who i considered to be probably my closest friend at this point in my life passed away. I was so wrapped up with divorce and house issues that I didn't even notice until today. She passed in her sleep the last day we spoke, I sent messages to her but never followed up because was so wrapped up trying to get things done. Its been a roller coaster of a day for my emotions that's for sure. 

I appreciate everyone's comments and advice over the last however long its been since starting this, It was a good place just to vent my thoughts when needed and helpful. Next chapter is beginning lets hope i can make it a good one or at the very least not as crappy as the last. Still things to figure out but glad this will be behind me


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## jlg07

One thing IA -- please stick around at least every now and again. I think your hard-won experience with this can help a ton of folks!


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> One thing IA -- please stick around at least every now and again. I think your hard-won experience with this can help a ton of folks!


Ill stick around right now just focusing on my house. Mold remediation done. Trying to do what I can myself to cut costs but I gotta get my mom out of the hotel its $800 a week! 

I was talking to my dad tonight and he was telling me how his fiancé showed him a couple of posts ex made recently because they are still friends on facebook. She gets mad at them and shows my dad but doesn't comment. 

Something along the lines of for those who have been following her story she finally has divorced her abusive ex with lots of yesss and yays! 

Another one with the kids at the waterfront and she said don't mind their clothes obviously their father dressed them. 
What a sad life she leads where she needs to continue to make up stories to make herself feel better. 

Not gonna lie it makes me mad but I'm not gonna hold onto it. But im no longer being nice, she's been nice until tonight and I let her have it. Still trying to make up a story to suit her needs smh


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## Chuck71

and this surprises you, how?


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## iaschneider5

Chuck71 said:


> and this surprises you, how?


No surprises shes predictable as day turning into night. Was hopeful it would start to calm down after the divorce, guess someone still needs to feed her story to feel better about herself.


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## jlg07

As long as YOUR friends and family know the real story that she cheated, who cares what her friends think -- I presume that you are no longer friends with any of them anyway, so....


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## Marc878

A tight no contact will be your best friend. Communicate by text or email kids only.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> As long as YOUR friends and family know the real story that she cheated, who cares what her friends think -- I presume that you are no longer friends with any of them anyway, so....


Just a friendly hello in passing if seen. i am always polite in front of the kids to her or parents. Her dad is a victim in his relationship I feb bad for him but he will never leave his wife smh. Maybe ill pass along my lawyers info just in case he changes his mind lol! 



Marc878 said:


> A tight no contact will be your best friend. Communicate by text or email kids only.


Unless its the meeting at the police station or like what just happened our kids strings concert i keep my distance. I always have my voice recorder on me and its always on when I'm around her. The new I picked up catches everything has a better microphone I guess. 

I am concerned if she's still saying stuff to the kids, I may try investigate a bit and see.


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## iaschneider5

Ugh well we were discussing the meeting place as she brought it up. She wants to change it from the police station back to the way it was. Her drop at my house i drop at hers since the "order of protection Bull****" will be over soon. Her words not mine yet she's the one that started it! Anyway my refusal angered her naturally so she went on the attack. I did as well because I'm tired of these but i focused on her stop saying damaging things to the kids and getting some help hers were more personal in an attempt to get me angry. Didn't work. Know I shouldn't have but so tired of that bs I did wanna give her a few licks that I wouldn't have otherwise said prior to papers being signed. Nothing bad just she needs help etc. 

She kept going and then ended with that she wants to talk on a parenting app, I laughed and said I had asked to do that before. She said no I didn't, I showed the proof and she said oh well it was years ago. Guess that makes a difference? then she demanded I do it or she would file another order of protection against me for harassment. So basically a do it or else type of situation. 

I actually want to do it but not gonna be bullied into it. Ill let her stew and calm down for a bit then perhaps do it. 

Lets take some bets, how long do you think it will take for her to bring me to family court once the divorce is been officially finalized? 

My lawyer thinks pretty quickly, I agree but she also said it would be stupid a it would be the same judge that did the orders of protection and the divorce taking care of whatever she brings me back for.


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## D0nnivain

iaschneider5 said:


> She kept going and then ended with that she wants to talk on a parenting app, I laughed and said I had asked to do that before. She said no I didn't, I showed the proof and she said oh well it was years ago. Guess that makes a difference? then she demanded I do it or she would file another order of protection against me for harassment. So basically a do it or else type of situation.
> 
> I actually want to do it but not gonna be bullied into it. Ill let her stew and calm down for a bit then perhaps do it.


I did not read 46 pages of posts but came to read the update because I was intrigued that you were still posting in your thread 3 years later. 

I hope you have the above "in writing". Screen shot her trying to blackmail you by threatening the order of protection & save that little nugget. Electronic & hard copy. Give a copy to your lawyer. If she ever does file another order of protection against you for any reason, you now have evidence that she's engaging in something called malicious abuse of process which tends to incense judges.


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## Marc878

iaschneider5 said:


> Ugh well we were discussing the meeting place as she brought it up. She wants to change it from the police station back to the way it was. Her drop at my house i drop at hers since the "order of protection Bull****" will be over soon. Her words not mine yet she's the one that started it! Anyway my refusal angered her naturally so she went on the attack. I did as well because I'm tired of these but i focused on her stop saying damaging things to the kids and getting some help hers were more personal in an attempt to get me angry. Didn't work. Know I shouldn't have but so tired of that bs I did wanna give her a few licks that I wouldn't have otherwise said prior to papers being signed. Nothing bad just she needs help etc.
> 
> She kept going and then ended with that she wants to talk on a parenting app, I laughed and said I had asked to do that before. She said no I didn't, I showed the proof and she said oh well it was years ago. Guess that makes a difference? then she demanded I do it or she would file another order of protection against me for harassment. So basically a do it or else type of situation.
> 
> I actually want to do it but not gonna be bullied into it. Ill let her stew and calm down for a bit then perhaps do it.
> 
> Lets take some bets, how long do you think it will take for her to bring me to family court once the divorce is been officially finalized?
> 
> My lawyer thinks pretty quickly, I agree but she also said it would be stupid a it would be the same judge that did the orders of protection and the divorce taking care of whatever she brings me back for.


This is why no contact is important. It limits issues. Always have a voice recorder on you.


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## iaschneider5

D0nnivain said:


> I did not read 46 pages of posts but came to read the update because I was intrigued that you were still posting in your thread 3 years later.
> 
> I hope you have the above "in writing". Screen shot her trying to blackmail you by threatening the order of protection & save that little nugget. Electronic & hard copy. Give a copy to your lawyer. If she ever does file another order of protection against you for any reason, you now have evidence that she's engaging in something called malicious abuse of process which tends to incense judges.


Welcome! lol thanks for that, I knew there was a term or word for it. Everything was in text I rarely speak to her for more then a few seconds in person if I can help it. 




Marc878 said:


> This is why no contact is important. It limits issues. Always have a voice recorder on you.


Oh I know, it was another needed conversation which spawned into something else. Something she likes to do. I did engage thats on me but I'm tired of it. I always have my recorder on me and on when I'm around her. Save all the recordings on a hard drive even if useless and nothing was said, just in case she wants to say I did or said something. 

This was all in text which was good I think if it ever does happen.


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## jlg07

@iaschneider5, how are things going?


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## marko polo

iaschneider5 said:


> Ugh well we were discussing the meeting place as she brought it up. She wants to change it from the police station back to the way it was. Her drop at my house i drop at hers since the "order of protection Bull****" will be over soon. Her words not mine yet she's the one that started it! Anyway my refusal angered her naturally so she went on the attack. I did as well because I'm tired of these but i focused on her stop saying damaging things to the kids and getting some help hers were more personal in an attempt to get me angry. Didn't work. Know I shouldn't have but so tired of that bs I did wanna give her a few licks that I wouldn't have otherwise said prior to papers being signed. Nothing bad just she needs help etc.
> 
> She kept going and then ended with that she wants to talk on a parenting app, I laughed and said I had asked to do that before. She said no I didn't, I showed the proof and she said oh well it was years ago. Guess that makes a difference? then she demanded I do it or she would file another order of protection against me for harassment. So basically a do it or else type of situation.
> 
> I actually want to do it but not gonna be bullied into it. Ill let her stew and calm down for a bit then perhaps do it.
> 
> Lets take some bets, how long do you think it will take for her to bring me to family court once the divorce is been officially finalized?
> 
> My lawyer thinks pretty quickly, I agree but she also said it would be stupid a it would be the same judge that did the orders of protection and the divorce taking care of whatever she brings me back for.


If you are tired of the fighting stop dancing to her tune. Stop reacting to all her nonsense. Love and hate are rich sources of fuel. So is conflict. Your ex wife loves to fight with you. Every fight she picks is for this reason. You no longer share a home and are no longer readily available to her. Fighting is her only avenue to engage with you, to prove to herself she can still influence your life.

Start practicing indifference if you want to drive her crazy instead of yourself. If you choose to disagree with her do so calmly. If she continues to be non cooperative then say nothing and walk away completely. Let her play whatever stupid games she will play in silence. Starve her of the attention, control and fuel she still wants from you.

The less direct and personal interaction you can manage with her the better. Communicate by parenting app, email and txt. No voice calls unless there is an emergency with the kids.


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> @iaschneider5, how are things going?



Sorry for the late reply. Its been a long few months. Still dealing with the damage to my home, June 7th I was rear ended pretty bad in my Prius by an older range rover and I've been in constant pain since then. Trying to get through it all but the hits just keep on coming!

Divorce was officially signed on Aug 26th by the judge just waiting for it to hit my mailbox. My ex got her papers because it was shared with me that she's on facebook saying things like "finally divorced from my abusive husband" etc etc. 

She did end up moving the kids from the loft in her apartment to her bedroom which is very small and got them a triple bunkbed, lots of complaints from the kids on that but not much can be done. There reasons she gave them are they are only here 3 days a week so they don't need the larger room and her and her BF need more room when he moves in because he's supposed to move in again... My daughter came home last week and said mommy was mad because he didn't move in yet.. I def laughed inside at that.

Her and her cousin have cut ties as the cousin is tired of her **** so she shared some dirty details. Turns out the new baby daddy or "BF" is married and lives with his wife... Yeah he's not gonna be moving in with her anytime soon smh. 

Some highlights are she has been doing things to the kids that has me teetering on the edge of filing another order of protection against her.

Hitting back of neck still, She put hot sauce and dish soap in their mouths for cursing (has since stopped when I brought it up) kicking them, threw matchbox cars again, pushing them, Apparently stood on my oldest kids stomach while he was on the floor after being pushed down by her she claims she was standing over him not on him. Last week my oldest came back and had a soar spot on the back of his head and said it was from his mom hitting him. I texted her she said she didn't do it, prior to that he asked me to talk to her and I had him do it on the phone I got for the kids and she denied denied denied saying things like " I dont do that despite what all of you claims" then at the end she said "well If I did I apologize" Covering her self there for sure. The list goes on some small things.

She also let all 3 of them 6,9 and 10 ride their scooters around he apartment complex ALONE while she was in her apartment thats 3 flights up. In general I don't consider that safe nowadays considering the crazy people that are out there but add in how fast people drive through that complex (very fast) and how many times my oldest has gotten hurt while left unattended by her I got pretty upset by that. I let her know her know too, she said they weren't supposed to go far blah blah blah. My oldest sent me a pic from basically where the complex starts which is coming down from a very busy highway where people fly down and her apartment is on the other side of that with a giant and in between and another building.

3 weeks ago my oldest asked me to call CPS on his mom. We had a talk about how serious that is and what kinda of things it can lead to. We agreed we would hold off for a bit see how things go. Since that time it's been the hitting back of head and the sore head. Guess we shall see how it goes. 

The 2 boys are absolutely horrible to her and act horrible while there, hitting her, cursing, my oldest peed on the bathroom floor because he was mad at her, peed on his sisters barbies and a barbie plane etc. Every week its something else. Last week the day they got there it was cursing and my oldest whacked his mom with a baseball in his hand many times. The list goes on. Her behavior needs to stop but so does theres. 

Given the balancing act between Home owners insurance claim and trying to get my house fixed, My car being totaled and battling the guys insurance company over the amount they wanna pay me plus extreme pain that makes it hard to even sleep due to it shooting into my arms and fingers all from my neck ive held off making any serious moves. Wanted to wait until the divorce was done also didn't wanna screw it up or make it take longer. I'm still in a good position either way if going back to court.


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## Gregory Chaucery

iaschneider5 said:


> Sorry for the late reply. Its been a long few months. Still dealing with the damage to my home, June 7th I was rear ended pretty bad in my Prius by an older range rover and I've been in constant pain since then. Trying to get through it all but the hits just keep on coming!
> 
> Divorce was officially signed on Aug 26th by the judge just waiting for it to hit my mailbox. My ex got her papers because it was shared with me that she's on facebook saying things like "finally divorced from my abusive husband" etc etc.
> 
> She did end up moving the kids from the loft in her apartment to her bedroom which is very small and got them a triple bunkbed, lots of complaints from the kids on that but not much can be done. There reasons she gave them are they are only here 3 days a week so they don't need the larger room and her and her BF need more room when he moves in because he's supposed to move in again... My daughter came home last week and said mommy was mad because he didn't move in yet.. I def laughed inside at that.
> 
> Her and her cousin have cut ties as the cousin is tired of her **** so she shared some dirty details. Turns out the new baby daddy or "BF" is married and lives with his wife... Yeah he's not gonna be moving in with her anytime soon smh.
> 
> Some highlights are she has been doing things to the kids that has me teetering on the edge of filing another order of protection against her.
> 
> Hitting back of neck still, She put hot sauce and dish soap in their mouths for cursing (has since stopped when I brought it up) kicking them, threw matchbox cars again, pushing them, Apparently stood on my oldest kids stomach while he was on the floor after being pushed down by her she claims she was standing over him not on him. Last week my oldest came back and had a soar spot on the back of his head and said it was from his mom hitting him. I texted her she said she didn't do it, prior to that he asked me to talk to her and I had him do it on the phone I got for the kids and she denied denied denied saying things like " I dont do that despite what all of you claims" then at the end she said "well If I did I apologize" Covering her self there for sure. The list goes on some small things.
> 
> She also let all 3 of them 6,9 and 10 ride their scooters around he apartment complex ALONE while she was in her apartment thats 3 flights up. In general I don't consider that safe nowadays considering the crazy people that are out there but add in how fast people drive through that complex (very fast) and how many times my oldest has gotten hurt while left unattended by her I got pretty upset by that. I let her know her know too, she said they weren't supposed to go far blah blah blah. My oldest sent me a pic from basically where the complex starts which is coming down from a very busy highway where people fly down and her apartment is on the other side of that with a giant and in between and another building.
> 
> 3 weeks ago my oldest asked me to call CPS on his mom. We had a talk about how serious that is and what kinda of things it can lead to. We agreed we would hold off for a bit see how things go. Since that time it's been the hitting back of head and the sore head. Guess we shall see how it goes.
> 
> The 2 boys are absolutely horrible to her and act horrible while there, hitting her, cursing, my oldest peed on the bathroom floor because he was mad at her, peed on his sisters barbies and a barbie plane etc. Every week its something else. Last week the day they got there it was cursing and my oldest whacked his mom with a baseball in his hand many times. The list goes on. Her behavior needs to stop but so does theres.
> 
> Given the balancing act between Home owners insurance claim and trying to get my house fixed, My car being totaled and battling the guys insurance company over the amount they wanna pay me plus extreme pain that makes it hard to even sleep due to it shooting into my arms and fingers all from my neck ive held off making any serious moves. Wanted to wait until the divorce was done also didn't wanna screw it up or make it take longer. I'm still in a good position either way if going back to court.


Let your kids know that they may be able to determine where they live when they become 12 years old.


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## iaschneider5

Gregory Chaucery said:


> Let your kids know that they may be able to determine where they live when they become 12 years old.


It's something that will be brought up in time. Still woukd be worried about the youngest. In NY its 13 and from what I understand they can say it but in the end judge still has final say. I feel going after her for all 3 if the time calls for it is the best best. As I said before I'm teetering on the edge of doing it, just dealing with alot at the moment so not jumping too soon. She did calm down for a bit. I'm hoping with them speaking up and me telling her more of what is being said she gets it and stops it. They also need to stop their crap

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## jlg07

Do your kids have cell phones? Can they get video/audio recordings of what your XW is pulling?


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## iaschneider5

jlg07 said:


> Do your kids have cell phones? Can they get video/audio recordings of what your XW is pulling?


There is one phone. Nothing special old iPhone 6 I get for free. Of course she has an issue with it and all of sudden it doesn't have good device at her apartment  she takes it away alot, they do have an issue listening to her in regards to everything but they are supposed to do what they are told when it comes to the phone and they don't always. But according to them she takes it for no reason at all and hides it. 

She claims they are addicted to electronics(which arnt we all?) And just wanna be on it. Mostly everything is blocked or has a time limit, and I personally have no issues if they ask me to record videos of whatever they are doing. I think it would be cool to look back on it later on. Meanwhile she is always on her phone, Facebook, video chats with the bf etc. 

Verizon offered me a deal for 4 lines at 25 each which would be just about the same as I'm paying now for 2 with tmobile so I'm considering doing it and giving my boys a phone each and I know Verizon service works at her apartment because she has it. The free phone is under t mobile service I believe. I told them of they start being more respectful to her, and more responsible in general maybe they would get their own for Christmas. 

My oldest told his mom what I said and she said she doesn't like that idea. Gee I wonder why?! 

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