# Being civil with the ex!



## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

So my fiance came home at the end of August and is now away for three more weeks. I was at the local market by myself when I ran into his 3 kids with his ex (his kids don't live with him full time). I was civil and polite and she asked me out for coffee sometime, which would not be the first time I went out with her (she insisted on meeting me when my fiance and I started dating). Does anyone think this is strange?

My mom doesn't think so, but she said to be prepared that the ex may put my fiance down. Thoughts?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Nah - she probably wants to get better acquainted with the woman who will be in her kids lives.
I'd go and be really pleasant and nice with her. Facilitate open communication and YOUR care of her kids. Ease her fears about this other woman playing mommy to her kids. You aren't trying to replace her in any way, but wish the very best for them.
It's rare, but you could forge a relationship that could be beneficial to the kids.

Yeah -she MIGHT very well have unpleasant things to share about her ex-husband. 

Now - if you were the affair partner of his that ended their marriage then.......


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Nah - she probably wants to get better acquainted with the woman who will be in her kids lives.
> I'd go and be really pleasant and nice with her. Facilitate open communication and YOUR care of her kids. Ease her fears about this other woman playing mommy to her kids. You aren't trying to replace her in any way, but wish the very best for them.
> It's rare, but you could forge a relationship that could be beneficial to the kids.
> 
> ...


Nope, ex left him for another man!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I would be interested in her take on why the marriage failed. I don't care what she did, she's goimg to have some legitimate grievances with him and you could learn from that. Of course it will blend into your own experiences with him but it could give you a heads up on some of the issues you'll face. I love my hb but I can tell you that some of the things I deal with his ex dealt with too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Honestly, my feeling, is NO.. My STBXH's ex wife wanted to "meet with me" I said only if STBX could be there too.. She had a fit.. 

I said, I have no problem talking to her, but if she wants to trash talk him to me, that's not happening.. She still had a fit.. Finally, one of his family members said to her, "I don't know what you want to meet with Browneyes about, but I will tell you that she is 100% loyal to D.. And she will stick up for him.. She has no problem meeting with you, but if you just want to bash him, it isn't going to work" Oddly enough, she dropped the subject completely.. 

I think a cordial, professional and civil relationship should be had by ALL parents involved.. I've seen things get messy in both ways.. when the ex and the new wife become friends, when the exes can't get along, etc..


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

Your story is a lot like mine (I'm the guy of course). My ex left me for someone else and is now married to him.

i am recently engaged again after 3+ years of rebuilding. 

Do I think this is bad? No - it will be important for all of you to work together when kids are involved.

Will it work? That is up to you two. My fiance and I sat down with my ex and her husband to talk about my son last weekend and rules at both houses. Then it turned into more of a bashing of me and that my ex and I can't communicate well (one reason our marriage crumbled).

Anyhow it was productive but it has come to a point where my fiance and my ex communicate better so we're moving to that point a little.

If you do it just watch what you say, listen to what she says carefully, and proceed with caution - b/c yes it can get ugly but you will all have to at some point work together for the kids sake.

Good luck

Joe


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

I met the ex for the first time before going on a month long vacation with him and his kids. 

I am definitely interested in her side of why the marriage failed, but he told me that they just grew apart and spent a lot of time away from each other - too much involved in separate activities. She was not passionate about the same things he is etc. 

I agree with you Clark G that it is important to be professional when kids are involved and thats all I plan on being! My fiance thinks his ex is jealous of me, thats why she wants to meet, because I am a lot younger than her, more fit then her, etc. B


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I think that it would be great if all separated couples who have children together would make an effort to build and maintain cordial relationships with their "ex's" and new long term partners.

I would have thought that good communication and clear rules across the two households would be a better environment for children that the chaos that can ensue when conflict is evident.

If you and your partners “ex” can build a friendship based on your mutual desire to do what is right for the children then that could be a great benefit to you all.


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

If the ex's is really interested in bonding what's best for the kids this is a great idea.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

My husband's ex can't stand me, and has told their daughter that many times. She's also demonized my husband and has been trying to drive a wedge between the daughter and him ever since she remarried: withholding phone calls, planning events on our weekends and general badmouthing. Her perfect world would be not having us in the daughter's life, which isn't ever going to happen.


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