# Please help bad break-up (need any advice)



## icebeam (Feb 9, 2012)

I will keep this as short as possible. I and my ex-girlfriend were going out for a little over two years. Things started out very well and we had everything in common. The first year was pretty good expect for a minor lies or forgetfulness on my part. Then I stopped doing the small things to show her I cared, spent more time with my friends, and would not work on the little things she asked me to. Such as spending more time with her, going on more dates, being more direct with her etc. Then she would break up with me to try to get me to realize these things but we would always get back together in less than 48 hours with me saying I’ll work on them (this happened 15+ times). I never did, I just didn’t think she would ever leave. She treated me beyond perfect and I did not appreciate this until after the final break-up. 

The last time we broke up was around 10 days ago and she went no contact with me. Deleted me form everything first time she ever did this. I called her she said she needed space and time. I said lets be friends and she said I can’t be friends with you. Four days later I drove 3 hours to see her and brought her flowers, candy, and a 3 page letter detailing everything I’m going to work on. (I was going to drop it at her door but she ditched college class so she was there) we went to dinner and I paid and she told me she does not know if she needs to date other people or not. She also said she can’t see me b/c it makes her want more with me. We went to her room and she said one last time and not to think anything of what she was going to do. She cuddled me and kissed me then made me go on my way home. She told me I could contact her once a week on my way out (casual text)

I then broke casual and did not stop bugging her, she then said I never want to be friends, I don’t love you etc. I wrote her a song and she declined it on Skype she then texted me Back off, I need space you need to respect that. 3 days later with no contact she texted me letting me know she had her period and I just said thanks for letting me know. Did not try to start a conversation. She then called me later that night asking me how I was and if she could use my papa john’s account. (Which she could have just made her own) I told her yes and then she said “I really want to be friends with you but you need to respect my space. I would like you to text me every little while and we can talk but no coming up here or abusing it (IE contacting her every day) I said I understood and had to go to bed. Call was only 8 mins.

I really love her and want her back and have been working professional help on the matter and I am working to make myself better and really make the changes she wants. She always said if I made the little changes I would be the best guy for her in the world. I want her back so should I play by this or just say I can’t handle friends at this point. (I can do friends if people think it will give me a chance to show her I’m changing but if you think this will leave me with nothing but friends until she finds someone new I need to know.

Thanks for all your help and advice.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well you did what a lot of people do, disrespected the one who loves you the most. And now you see the outcome.

All you can do now is to respect that she wants space and work on yourself. Either she will come back or she will not.

It will be good either way. If she comes back hopefully you will be a better partner and you will have a good relationship. If she does not come back you will a better person for the changes you make. So you will be a better partner to the next person you are with.


----------



## icebeam (Feb 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well you did what a lot of people do, disrespected the one who loves you the most. And now you see the outcome.
> 
> All you can do now is to respect that she wants space and work on yourself. Either she will come back or she will not.
> 
> It will be good either way. If she comes back hopefully you will be a better partner and you will have a good relationship. If she does not come back you will a better person for the changes you make. So you will be a better partner to the next person you are with.


Well should I talk to her once in a while through text like she asked or go no contact?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well you are the one who did wrong here, right? So you are the one who has some work to do. You want her to know that you are indeed changing. If you have no contact how would she know this?


So yes text her as she as asked. Anytime you can get a chance to text, talk or see her do it. YOu might want to put a time limit on this. For example if in 6 months she is not more receptive to you.

Then evaluate it in 6 months? Can you go forward some more with her? Is she allowing you more contact? If so give it some more time... if not go no contact. 

But this would mean you not seeing anyone else for the 6 months, no secret little hookups, etc that could get her really mad once you are back together.

I would also suggest that you read the books linked to in my signature block below under building a passionate marriage. The author, Dr. Harley also has a book for engaged couples. His advice is very good.


----------



## icebeam (Feb 9, 2012)

That is great advice give it a time limit and then if it does not make it then think about moving on.


I will look into that book. But one last question for you. What should I do about v-day? 

Ps. She did tell me on the phone with regards to texting once a week that there is no driving up here (IE. going 3 hours to her place)


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not one book, it's 3 books. Read them in the order that I have them listed. They are pretty quick reads. 

On V-day keep it simple but do something sweet. I would send her flowers, on the note say something like.. "I just could not help myself... wanted to let you know that I care. Love Always, IceBeam."

Stick to texting for a while. Then after a about 3 weeks ask if you can come see her and take her out for coffee (or something else casual) ... don't do a full dinner yet. If she say ok, then after the casual date, if things are going ok ask her if she wants to go for a walk, or something where the two of you can be together and talk. 

If she will agree to seeing you then you can talk about things you are learning.

YOu need to figure out how to use the texts to let her see the ever improving you as well.


----------



## icebeam (Feb 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It's not one book, it's 3 books. Read them in the order that I have them listed. They are pretty quick reads.
> 
> On V-day keep it simple but do something sweet. I would send her flowers, on the note say something like.. "I just could not help myself... wanted to let you know that I care. Love Always, IceBeam."
> 
> ...


I have ordered the books and I also herd form a friend that they are good reads. My only other question is what can I do to not want to rush the time she needs? I work on myself 6 hours a day because I am not working yet just graduated. So I feel my changes are happening faster then someone-else in my shoes. I'm just so worried that in 3-weeks she will find someone else. She is the best girl you could ever meet and I really feel so stupid about all of this. It's just SO HARD everyday to not pick-up the phone and call her to try to make amends. I feel like I lost my better half.


----------

