# Should I sleep with someone else on her birthday?



## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

My wife and I have been living separately since July because we were not getting along. We have talked about divorce quite a few times. 2 weeks ago I told her I don't want to see her ever again. We got back together 2-3 days later, at least that's what I felt. We told we loved each other and would not divorce. Then a few days later I called her to make plans for her birthday. Her birthday is today Sunday Sept 6. She told me she already made plans with her aunt and cousin, who were coming from out of town. She was going to spend the whole weekend with them. She will not have them meet me. She refused to give me details about what they were going to do. I felt sad she left me out. On Wednesday we had sex and I asked her if she could meet me for dinner on her birthday. She agreed. So on Thursday I bought a cake. We messaged on Friday just to say hi and then she stopped responding completely. 

Yesterday (Saturday) I texted her "I did not hear from you all day yesterday. Is your aunt in town? Tell her & Laurie I said hi and wish them my best. You must be very excited to see them. Hope all is well. I'm sending you my love. Hope to hear from you soon."

Six hours later she responded
"Thanks love. Hope your day is going well"

I responded back and I have not heard anything. 

She calls me love and at the same time has avoided me all weekend. She is sending mixed signals. Should I even make an effort to call her today to say happy birthday? Should I sleep with someone else today to make things even?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not sure how sleeping with someone else will make things even. But I do know that doing things out of revenge to get even is pretty childish.

The two of you are not living together. Neither of you seem to know what you want to do about the relationship. You left. Sometimes you don't ever want to see her again. Sometimes you want her to act like your wife. 

A marriage cannot be fixed by living separately. You have to live together to fix things. How can you fix things when you are not there to fix them?

Your wife now clearly considers herself a free agent. She told you that she's busy this weekend. That's her prerogative. But you keep trying to interject yourself into the weekend. She does not want you there. It's her right to do so.

Do you want to fix your marriage? If you do, then see if you can get her to agree with you moving back in and the two of you going to counseling and fix things.

Or if that falls through, or you decided that you do not want a marriage with her.. then start interacting with her according to the 180 and get a divorce.

Are you dating anyone else? Since you seem to think you can get someone to have sex with today, it sounds like you might be.


.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you realistically think you'll get back together, no. Otherwise, do whatever you want.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

dc366 said:


> My wife and I have been living separately since July because we were not getting along. We have talked about divorce quite a few times.


So your relationship is already on the rocks and you've threatened each other with divorce multiple times. Very good start....



dc366 said:


> 2 weeks ago I told her I don't want to see her ever again. We got back together 2-3 days later, at least that's what I felt.


So you can't make up your mind and neither can she. You didn't want to see her, then you did. When you "got back together" I'm assuming that means you had sex? You both flip-flop.



dc366 said:


> We told we loved each other and would not divorce.


Even though you said earlier that you threatened to divorce multiple times... so it sounds like you once again took it back... for realz this time I guess!



dc366 said:


> Then a few days later I called her to make plans for her birthday. Her birthday is today Sunday Sept 6. She told me she already made plans with her aunt and cousin, who were coming from out of town. She was going to spend the whole weekend with them. She will not have them meet me. She refused to give me details about what they were going to do. I felt sad she left me out. On Wednesday we had sex and I asked her if she could meet me for dinner on her birthday. She agreed. So on Thursday I bought a cake. We messaged on Friday just to say hi and then she stopped responding completely.
> 
> Yesterday (Saturday) I texted her "I did not hear from you all day yesterday. Is your aunt in town? Tell her & Laurie I said hi and wish them my best. You must be very excited to see them. Hope all is well. I'm sending you my love. Hope to hear from you soon."
> 
> ...


Yeah, you should go sleep with someone else to make it even. Is that what you want to hear?

She is not the only one sending mixed signals. You are also sending mixed signals. Your relationship is not stable and you're upset that she doesn't want to do anything with you on her birthday. While it would be nice for you two to do something, it's her birthday, so she can choose what she wants to do. She was probably out having fun. I am guilty of occasionally taking a while to answer my SO via text because I am busy or I'm enjoying myself. It happens.

Do you have any proof that she's cheated on you? Are you doing anything currently to repair your relationship, such as MC?


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

I was hoping that doing something fun with her on her birthday would recreate happy experiences and would help our marriage. . Her lack of communication with me has really hurt me. I'm not dating anyone else right now. My self confidence is very low because of the way she has been treating me.
Should I contact her today to tell her happy birthday, or should I ignore it? I'm wondering why should I call her with the way she is treating me. If I call her will I be losing value or respect? 
I feel like I need to attack back with the way she is treating me. I cannot let her run all over me like this. I need to do something.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is there already a woman in your sights who has shown an interest in sleeping with you? Or are you such a delectable stud you can enter any pub and snap your fingers and three women are instantly on their knees in front of you? 

Please. Grow the fvck up dude...


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Is there already a woman in your sights who has shown an interest in sleeping with you? Or are you such a delectable stud you can enter any pub and snap your fingers and three women are instantly on their knees in front of you?
> 
> Please. Grow the fvck up dude...


You are not helping. You are a waste.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please clarify the ground rules of your separation, and the issues. To be blunt your post left the impression of two people engaging in HS drama bullshyt 101- not my fault, it is all her. I went to your individual page in an attempt to see if any background info was available to get a better sense of you and your wife. I noted: 
You joined in 2911 - four years ago.
Yet you have only two treads (one from 2011 and your current one.) 
You gave a total of 17 posts, most of which were comments on other members threads. Mostly in 2011 and 2013.

I have always thought a persons advice to others is more revealing, then what they claim about themselves. I, reading only the headers, was stuck by "what you allow is what you get". Your advise to dumb dude to sleep with ten other women including her, You advised confused that if she did not shallow, she didn't completely accept him, Your advise to souyherngreenyes, your comment liking Elegirl's advise to teebler 

I really don't have the time to read all your comments in full. Please provide the historical info on yourself, your wife, and your relationship if you want help, because it appears right now you do only what you think is nice, and appears you do so to keep yourself "limp". You seem to want justification for your actions, and are currently really trying to decide if the sexual rewards are worth the effort to fix the relationship. 

Fairly or unfairly is this how your wife see you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dc366 said:


> I was hoping that doing something fun with her on her birthday would recreate happy experiences and would help our marriage. . Her lack of communication with me has really hurt me.


Well, she’s made it very clear that she has her own plans this weekend. 
Why did you tell her a while back that you did not ever want to see her again? What was gong on?



dc366 said:


> I'm not dating anyone else right now.


When was the last time you did date someone else? Did you cheat when you were living with your wife? Have you dated women other than your wife while you have been separated?


dc366 said:


> My self confidence is very low because of the way she has been treating me.


She is not responsible for your self confidence. If you do not like being married to her, then start doing the 180 and divorce her. Move on with your life. Take charge of your own wellbeing.


dc366 said:


> Should I contact her today to tell her happy birthday, or should I ignore it? I'm wondering why should I call her with the way she is treating me.


No, do not call her to tell her happy birthday. She has made it clear that she does not want to hear from you this weekend. She was very clear that she has other plans. So leave her alone.


dc366 said:


> If I call her will I be losing value or respect?


She will most likely be pretty annoyed with you if you contact her. Out visit someone you know…. Get busy today. Stop obsessing about her.


dc366 said:


> I feel like I need to attack back with the way she is treating me. I cannot let her run all over me like this. I need to do something.


She’s not running over you. She’s doing something with her family for the weekend. You moved out. You left her. She’s living her life. Is this part of the problem with your relationship with her? Do you have a need to attack back?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

dc366 said:


> You are not helping. You are a waste.


Answer the question. 

You are in a fantasy if you think you can just go out and sleep with a random woman on your wife's birthday. Or, you already have been stroking some gal and getting her ready. That's cheating.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

dc366 said:


> My self confidence is very low because of the way she has been treating me.


No, your self confidence is low because your self confidence is low. She did not make you anything. You have allowed her actions to hurt you. You should learn how to take responsibility for your own state of being instead of blaming her. How she acts is her problem. How you act is yours. How you react to her actions is not her problem. How she reacts to your actions is not your problem. 



dc366 said:


> Should I contact her today to tell her happy birthday, or should I ignore it? I'm wondering why should I call her with the way she is treating me. If I call her will I be losing value or respect?
> I feel like I need to attack back with the way she is treating me. I cannot let her run all over me like this. I need to do something.


You answered your own question. 

If you must attack, then your relationship is done. Revenge is to cause hurt, not heal. If you're feeling disrespected, then you stop getting drawn back in to her games. I suggest you get some help to learn methods for building confidence and resilience.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

EleGirl, a lot of things you are writing make a lot of sense. I gave up on this forum half hour ago when people were accusing me of stuff. Before I saw your latest post, I had already tried to contact her.
I called her and she did not answer so I texted I was calling her to say happy birthday. I didn't hear back for 30 minutes so I texted her again telling her she was ignoring me for no reason. I messaged her that I felt sad that she will not even answer my texts/calls. 
I am obsessing over this. I feel really sad and can't even get out of my bed.

We both are poor students. We started having problems because she felt that I was 1) not sexually interested in her 2) completely convinced that I was cheating on her 3) took advantage of her. She accused me of eating her food. (I'm poor and paid a small portion for food. She knew how much I made before getting married because I'm a student.) 4) Did not get along with her son (Her son is a teenager and started smoking cigarettes, pot and hung out with bad crowd. I had her confiscate his iPhone which made me his enemy). 5) Fed her a lot of food and made her fat. 

I have never cheated on my wife ever. I have never, asked out, kissed or had sex with any other girl since the day we met. Girls smile at me when we are out and about and she feels that I am cheating on her. I never smile back at those girls.

I was forced to move out because we were fighting and her landlord did not like it. I was not on the lease. She also felt that the apt was too small for 3 people (herself, her son and me).


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

This sounds more improbable by each post. Now there is a kid in the mix. One minute she's being told he never wants to see her again. Then it's back to having relations. Now contemplating having sex with someone else because she is too busy with relatives to see him. Oh but never has there been even so much as a kiss with another woman. 

I conclude the OP is 15 or acting with the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. I predict more heretofore unmentioned details will continue to spill out if this thread continues. 

Grow up. Start behaving like a responsible adult.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well, she’s made it very clear that she has her own plans this weekend.
> Why did you tell her a while back that you did not ever want to see her again? What was gong on?


His wife seems to be schooling him that he's more expendable than he figured.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dc366,

How old are you and your wife?

Thanks for additional info, it does help some. Were you a student when you married her? Surely she knew that you did not have a lot of income.

How are you progressing in school? Will you be graduating any time soon and able to get a job that would support you?

The part of your list of her complaints about you that made me laugh is #5) Fed her a lot of food and made her fat. Has she really said that? What do you do? Tie her down and funnel the food in? Surely not and surely she has control over what goes in her mouth.

It sounds to me like she's unhappy that you do not earn whatever she thinks you should be earning, so she's just piling on the complaints. I can see why you moved out. 

My opinion is that it's time for you to move on. Surely you can find a woman who does not emotionally beat you down.

Just start the 180. You will be surprised how quickly your self esteem goes up. Start working out. Start doing things that you enjoy and meet people. And file for divorce.

I know it's not my place to tell people to get a divorce. So that's just a suggestion. But it sounds like the two of you just do not get along. And you really should not let anyone treat you like this.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

EleGirl, I'm 27 and she is 45. There is a big age difference. I have generally liked older women. I've always liked being in a relationship. I should be graduating from school within a year. I agree getting a divorce is the way to go. She has just treated me very unfairly since her son and I stopped getting along. I just hate the thought of being alone right now. I really need to build self confidence, have a nice group of friends and be financially stable. 
The last time we had sex was on Wednesday and she asked me to give her oral sex next time. I don't understand why she didn't contact me all this time. At the very least she could have messaged and said "I will be with my aunt the whole weekend. We are going to ___. I will not be able to contact you. I will see you next week." instead never said anything like that, she gave me the silent treatment. This has never happened before.
I don't want to be treated as third class or inferior by any other woman ever again. I hope I can do something.


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