# Little help...



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Ok, here goes...i've posted before...to the point, my wife cheated on me and has been lyiing to our entire family about it for a year. I busted her in Jan. and asked her to leave the house until she figured it out. Since than she asked for a divorce, I said ok if thats what you want lets save some $$ and do this as amicably as possible. We are using my attorney and its transparent so we all know what the expectations are...It took me over two weeks to get her to sign it...she was in another state w/ the OM and waited a week till she got back to sign it. Each time I try to get her to talk about how we are going to separate the assets, which is only the house, she's...like dragging her feet. Ever since she got back from the other state she has changed. She recognizes the damaged she caused and is in full guilt mode. We have another form to sign to have it official and we (she planned it) planned to meet tonight to discuss it. Just got a text from her saying can we reschedule, I said no problem and will wait to hear back from her. Why is she dragging her feet?!?!? She wants this, not me...so why the delay?? Its driving me crazy and my kids are like "she's lost it". My wife is 51 years old, she an RN and now is living above a bar in a town thats less than desirable. She expressed to me that she hates where she lives, not my problem! I have kept everything cool, no mass texting, no mass emails, no mass phone calls. I only contact when the kids are in need or something like that...can anyone help me on this?!?!?...Something happened back in the other state, which I had to imagine the OM put some expectations up that my wife is probably saying..."yea, thats not gonna work". My inlaws have been awesome, her mom and dad both told her she needs to make amends, what that means is up to her interpretation. She doesnt call, only texting now...my MIL thinks is that she feels guity and seeing her, knowing all the hurt she caused you is making this hard on her. My MIL also says she deservers it, but we all have our problems. How the hell can I talk to my STBX is she's too guiit ridden to even talk to me?!?! She says she still wants to be friends, I plan on settting her straight on that...No offense but she's a narc and being friends with someone like that...NOPE...not gonna happen...again I havent had a chance to talk to her about it b/c off all the BS going on right now. Any help on...I guess...how do I get my ex NOT to feel guilty...at least enough to open up...ANY HELP OUT THERE?!?!?!?!?...I dont know what is going on w/ her...she menopausal, going thru midlife crisis and her chaos child is running out of gas...I dont know what to do...I accepted the fact we are getting a divorce, now...I find myself taking steps back...in the wrong direction...I think about here often...first thought when I wake up...first thought when I go to bed...I guess I still care of love her...no, I love her....but I want her to be happy...but more importantly...I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!...any advice


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Should not have agreed to rescheduling. Your W has made you the fall back plan. I appears the fantasyland world in the other state just fell through. You are the back up.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Get the job done.
Dont let her reschedule... Cancel your day and drive the paperwork to her....

GET IT DONE. If you give her an ounce of control she will delay it. Why? who the hell cares..... Get rid of her


----------



## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

It honestly sounds like she's now learning that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and likely the OM has revealed character traits of himself that she was not expecting. She sounds like she's scared but too proud to really do anything about it other than view you as a ledge and safety net that she's become too accustomed to. Now that she's seeing and not just feeling that ledge pull away from her, she's probably experiencing some fight or flight. I wouldn't disagree that she's dealing with massive guilt right now, but it sounds like that guilt is rooted in her own concerns about survival, comfort and happiness than actual guilt about having screwed up so badly. 

Right now what is most important is you taking care of you. She is no longer yours to worry about, she made a choice, and she's going to have to be a big girl and live with those consequences. You can be sympathetic to a degree, but don't fall into a trap of what is sometimes called "idiot compassion" (essentially clinging to the idea of compassion towards another while simultaneously putting your needs, happiness, and self-worth in jeopardy). 

She's right now stuck in a sort of limbo, and really the only thing that's going to help her, you, the family, and the process of healing is to set hard boundaries and work within them. No more rescheduling or giving her extra wiggle room to work in. Keep your eye on getting out and healing for your own sake, and leave her to take care of herself. As harsh as that sounds, it's probably one of the most loving things one can do for an ex who cannot make up their own mind. You can't decide for her, but in showing strength, independence and resilience on your side of things will likely make the process much quicker, and possibly give her the official end to everything and force her to step out into the world she's chosen.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The feet dragging on her part is intentional. W may very well be creating her own plan to exit with much better for her conditions that she can control. (now that she's had more time to plan)

It's hard, but prudence says to proceed quickly. Only you know all the circumstances. It's got to be tough, and will get harder, then will get better.

Best wishes.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

My advice
Proceed with the Divorce. 
Do not become plan B.

Be friendly with her but not her white knight 
riding in on a white horse to save her!!

She made her choice good or bad now she has 
to deal with it herself. She is an adult.Time to take 
responsibility for her own actions.

Take care of yourself first .


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Don't you see, she is still trying to control your relationship all the way to the end and trust me beyond that as well...STOP IT....tell her "No" tell her that you need to move on and she better get used too it.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

I hear ya Yeswecan (<--love the handle btw)...there's other drama in the picture, too much to go into...all I need is for her to sign two forms...I need to be amicable on this one...if not this could cost alot of do ray me if you know what I am saying ($$$)...don't want to spend lots of $$ on a divorce when, if I can handle this, we can both save some money in the long run...meaning have her served, go thru all assets and debts...blah blah blah...my in laws...ALL OF THEM...have been 100% supportive...its funny, there are some silver linings in this...I actually have a loving inlaw family...NEVER would have guessed that but its true...my MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, nieces and nephew have been awesome and supporting during all of this...my kids (4) have been by MY side during all of this...I don't bring my kids into this...I try to protect them from all the BS...I try not to say anything bad about their mom...I dont want to make things worse...

While we were setting up the meeting time to discuss the house (Today, but rescheduled to another time) she starts crying...and saying..."I've been asking you for this for a LONG time and NOW you are changing and doing the things I wanted to do the whole time..." Those things are better relations w/ her family, going out and being adventurous (went to the casino last night, loss a few bucks but was a great time! Next SanFran for a taco at the mission this weekend...just for $hits and giggles and to get out, working out, etc) I expressed to her that people change...she just looked at me and said, "why does it take a mess up like this to get your attention or to make changes I was asking for...for a while"...I expressed again that I was sorry I didnt HEAR her and was just listening to her...everyone by now should understand that you really can't blame the other person 100%...if you do, your wrong...and it will stop you from becoming a better person...from growing in life...so, I did make a list of things I felt added to this mess and expressed those to her...she just looked at me in shock...in my mind while she was looking at me I said, "YEA MCLOVIN I WAS LISTENING..." ...before she left to go see the OM, I expressed to her that I was happy she found true love...true happiness...and we parted with a hug...this BLEW HER AWAY...I was sincere...yes, I was...her reply back to me AFTER she returned..."how can you love me so much..."...which I replied...I just do...and again...she just shakes her head and has no comment back...I sensed the awkwardness and deflected real quick to another topic...

So, in a nutshell YESWECAN...I hear ya about the fall back plan...just want to get her guard down so we can talk amicably about the house...have her sign papers and be done w/ it...if $hit goes south, this is gonna cost us both...and the kids might feel the affect which I dont want them to...they have been thru enough....

Thanks for the advice!!!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

irish925 said:


> I hear ya Yeswecan (<--love the handle btw)...there's other drama in the picture, too much to go into...all I need is for her to sign two forms...I need to be amicable on this one...if not this could cost alot of do ray me if you know what I am saying ($$$)...don't want to spend lots of $$ on a divorce when, if I can handle this, we can both save some money in the long run...meaning have her served, go thru all assets and debts...blah blah blah...my in laws...ALL OF THEM...have been 100% supportive...its funny, there are some silver linings in this...I actually have a loving inlaw family...NEVER would have guessed that but its true...my MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, nieces and nephew have been awesome and supporting during all of this...my kids (4) have been by MY side during all of this...I don't bring my kids into this...I try to protect them from all the BS...I try not to say anything bad about their mom...I dont want to make things worse...
> 
> While we were setting up the meeting time to discuss the house (Today, but rescheduled to another time) she starts crying...and saying..."I've been asking you for this for a LONG time and NOW you are changing and doing the things I wanted to do the whole time..." Those things are better relations w/ her family, going out and being adventurous (went to the casino last night, loss a few bucks but was a great time! Next SanFran for a taco at the mission this weekend...just for $hits and giggles and to get out, working out, etc) I expressed to her that people change...she just looked at me and said, "why does it take a mess up like this to get your attention or to make changes I was asking for...for a while"...I expressed again that I was sorry I didnt HEAR her and was just listening to her...everyone by now should understand that you really can't blame the other person 100%...if you do, your wrong...and it will stop you from becoming a better person...from growing in life...so, I did make a list of things I felt added to this mess and expressed those to her...she just looked at me in shock...in my mind while she was looking at me I said, "YEA MCLOVIN I WAS LISTENING..." ...before she left to go see the OM, I expressed to her that I was happy she found true love...true happiness...and we parted with a hug...this BLEW HER AWAY...I was sincere...yes, I was...her reply back to me AFTER she returned..."*how can you love me so much*..."..*.which I replied...I just do*...and again...she just shakes her head and has no comment back...I sensed the awkwardness and deflected real quick to another topic...
> 
> ...


Sorry bro,

But you are just BEGGING for her to ask you to forgive her and give your "relationship" another chance. She's NOT TAKING THE BAIT. She thinks so little of you that she actually now views her disgusting affair and walking out of your life as ""why does it take a mess up like this to get your attention or to make changes I was asking for..".....

She apparently sees her affair as some ridiculous attempt to give YOU a wake up call.... Geez, that's freaking laughable, but the epitome of narcissistic attitude....

Why you are allowing your ex wife to even speak to you is beyond my comprehension. You are acting like the doormat of the century. Your wife has zero respect for what you are doing. 

Last of all, if you actually are stupid enough to want this crazy, narcissistic woman back in your life, all you have to do is: NOTHING.

Divorce her. LEt her live a little while in squalor without anyone to take care of her or give her emotional ego kibbles. She'll be begging for you to take her back. Why you want her to, I really can't grasp. 

Fond memories of her? I'd have nightmares of her being with that other man and laughing at you as she rode him and talked about what a bad husband you were. Yeah, you are really digging deep in the codependency well to think of her in a positive way.

Please divorce this woman. You are going to majorly screw yourself over if you don't.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

I feel ya EvinRude58, and you make some valid points. It would be easier (RIGHT NOW) for me to handle this Alpha male style...however and this is coming from experience, I dont want any regrets...previous relationships (not marriages) after the breakup, there were things that I said that I later regretted...things I did that I later regretted...either way, we all have regrets in life...I just chose to handle it this way, BY LEARNING FROM MY PAST RELATIONSHIPS, to make certain I am leaving this marriage with "LITTLE" regrets as possible. 

Don't get me wrong, totally see your POV...and appreciate the insight...20 years of marriage is not something you just toss aside...and I want this experience to MAKE me a better person...NOT a bitter person...I want to leave this 20 year marriage with my head held high knowing what exactly I want in my next relationship/marriage...and knowing I did all I could on during my time with her...and leave that $hit behind and look forward to the future!

Hope you can at least see my POV, thanks again for the advice!

Oh, one more thing...I NEVER BEGGED, nor will I...I took the path of N/C and figure your $hit out while I get my life back together...becoming a better person...you know the drill...or at least everyone in here should...the only person who cares about you...is the one you stare at in the mirror every morning...so, exercise...get into counseling...setup a support group...read or get a hobby...do things that make you happy...F' that honeydolist...that $hit just turned into a takecareofme list of things to do...do some things that make you a better person...mind...body...and soul!...so, the next relationship you enter you're NOT taking a crap load of baggage into it...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just me: I have zero feelings whatsoever about my cheating ex wife. 

There's a huge difference between having a reasonable MEMORY of how badly a person that claims to love you treated you, and being BITTER.

I ate an unripe persimmon once. That thing was BITTER!!!! I still remember the taste. 
However, I can still eat a bowl of ice cream and enjoy it. I don't let the bitter taste of one food taint all the others. 

BUT DAMN, I'm not going to bite into a green persimmon again. I'd have to be stupid.

You shouldn't let people make you feel "bitter" because you are unwilling to let a woman that betrayed you in the worst way possible and left you and lived with another man, return to your home and be your WIFE again and act like she did this because of your bad traits as a husband. She did it because she wanted to and had zero love and loyalty for you.

If you have truly improved yourself, you shouldn't be pining away for your cheating narcissist like it appears you are. Just go develop a relationship with a woman that has her **** together and doesn't have a pattern of cheating in her past.

What are you thinking?
Why do you want her back?
Why do you care if the divorce is amicable? Just get a fair deal and go. Screw how she feels. Do you think she cared much about how you felt while she was ****ing another man? Did she feel your pain?

You can't fix your "regrets" by "talking to her". What your faults were in the marriage, you'll have to live with. You can't go back in time. You can't fix her. You can't make her love you again. 

What you are doing, if you ever get your head on right and move on, is going to cause you FAR MORE REGRET than moving on and forgetting your cheating ex wife.


Why are you unwilling to accept that you want her back? Just accept that you do. YOu don't have to act on that. You can still move forward, divorce, and detach. Then, you will be able to have a real relationship with someone else. Anything you start back with this remorseless cheater is going to blow up in your face.

You are letting guilt and your desire for a person that PROVED she wasn't who you thought she was, get you back in a bind. Get away from her and continue detaching so you can finally saw off this anchor around your neck you call a wife.


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

OP, you handled it your way for sure. The others on here who have experienced what you're going through are also giving you solid advice. I don't think she knows, or at least in no uncertain terms, that you will NOT take her back. The only way to fix that is to tell her straight up, and get the papers signed quickly. Drive those papers wherever she is if you have to. Just get them signed so this gets behind you as quickly as possible.

I pray that you get through this quickly, and that your kids will be able to adjust to not having mom around. I also pray that you find a better woman, one who is not narcissistic, and is loyal to the core. There's absolutely NO excuse that can validate her affair.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

irish925 said:


> I hear ya Yeswecan (<--love the handle btw)...there's other drama in the picture, too much to go into...all I need is for her to sign two forms...I need to be amicable on this one...if not this could cost alot of do ray me if you know what I am saying ($$$)...don't want to spend lots of $$ on a divorce when, if I can handle this, we can both save some money in the long run...meaning have her served, go thru all assets and debts...blah blah blah...my in laws...ALL OF THEM...have been 100% supportive...its funny, there are some silver linings in this...I actually have a loving inlaw family...NEVER would have guessed that but its true...my MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, nieces and nephew have been awesome and supporting during all of this...my kids (4) have been by MY side during all of this...I don't bring my kids into this...I try to protect them from all the BS...I try not to say anything bad about their mom...I dont want to make things worse...
> 
> While we were setting up the meeting time to discuss the house (Today, but rescheduled to another time) she starts crying...and saying..."I've been asking you for this for a LONG time and NOW you are changing and doing the things I wanted to do the whole time..." Those things are better relations w/ her family, going out and being adventurous (went to the casino last night, loss a few bucks but was a great time! Next SanFran for a taco at the mission this weekend...just for $hits and giggles and to get out, working out, etc) I expressed to her that people change...she just looked at me and said, "why does it take a mess up like this to get your attention or to make changes I was asking for...for a while"...I expressed again that I was sorry I didnt HEAR her and was just listening to her...everyone by now should understand that you really can't blame the other person 100%...if you do, your wrong...and it will stop you from becoming a better person...from growing in life...so, I did make a list of things I felt added to this mess and expressed those to her...she just looked at me in shock...in my mind while she was looking at me I said, "YEA MCLOVIN I WAS LISTENING..." ...before she left to go see the OM, I expressed to her that I was happy she found true love...true happiness...and we parted with a hug...this BLEW HER AWAY...I was sincere...yes, I was...her reply back to me AFTER she returned..."how can you love me so much..."...which I replied...I just do...and again...she just shakes her head and has no comment back...I sensed the awkwardness and deflected real quick to another topic...
> 
> ...


Your not going to ever get her to talk amicably about the house. Your trying to get a deal done and as cheaply as possible we all understand that but just about every guy on the planet tries this route and rarely does it work out, she will drag her heels, change the subject etc etc.....just about anything to delay and avoid the end even though it's "what she wants".


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Thank you Honcho, Evinrude and LuvHerforlife - You guys are a plethora of wise counsel...

Honcho - I think you can see where I am going with this...and yes its true "rarely" does work out...well, will see only time will tell...

LuvHer4Life - Keep sending me those prayers...I APPRECIATE THEM!!!...seriously...

Evinrude58, thanks for the kick in the a$$...I think I do have my head on straight, however your words around "is going to cause you FAR MORE REGRET than moving on and forgetting"...totally understand your POV on that one...

Guess time will tell huh, anyways keep the faith and thanks for the guidance!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

UPDATE - So, had the conversation w/ the wife around the house. We have come to an agreement that is benefical to the both of us and our kids. So good news there...now the freaking weird news...I asked if she had completed the divorce paperwork for filing. She turned to me and said, "I lost them...I thought I had them in my car after we talked two weeks ago but I can't find them"...yea, it was definitly a WTF moment...I kept my cool and just looked at her while she explained this to me...she con't "I know its not right or fair to put you thru this...while I am trying to figure IT out..." I just looked her in the eyes and said, "Well, I appreciate that...if you could get those to me as soon as possible I would appreciate it"...was not the reply she was looking for...she said she's having a hard time now w/ work and her parents moving", blah blah blah...(Not my problem(s))...all I said was I understand, again if you could get those to either me or the attorney that would be great!...she agreed and then the twilight music came on...I told her I had to go out clothes shopping (trying to wrap this meeting up) and she immediately asked if I wanted her to come..."you know I can dress you right!"...and she can, has done it for the past 20 years...which I replied, well, not going today but may let you know when...told her I was going Kayaking next weekend (again, walking to the door and trying to end this meeting) she again conveyed, "I;ll go kayaking w/ you...if you want..."...now by this time the twilight zone music was hitting an all time high in my head...however, I didnt bite, just said..."well, just doing some basic kayaking but will let you know..."...she just smiled...and asked me to go for a walk tomorrow...I said, sure but after Church...she said just give me a call when church is out...this was the next day...Sunday...Saturday was meeting now I'm going out walking w/ her on Sunday (passed weekend)....So, I agreed and met her after Church...I called it went to VM so I figured she was blowing me off which I was ok with...nope, she called 5 mins later...she was doing laundry...I met her, went for a walk/lunch and the conversation got nutty...to the point, she expressed to me that the kids do not reach out to her and see how she is doing...she has to call them...she has to text them...I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT...thank God I went to Church first...and then...here it comes...the nuttiest comment ever "We raised the kids to be Christian and they should care about me and how I am doing"...NOW, the kids know what she did, has been doing and are pretty upset w/ her...I just looked at her and said, "Well they are upset, just give them some time..." she was totally taken aback by this...After this I took her back to her place and dropped her off...After thinking about this, I really kind of feel sorry for her...she turned her back on our family and thinks that we should just accept her and all her drama/BS...well, I am NOT helping dig her out of this mess...I just want her to sign the papers, wait my 90 days and its done...I pray a lot, and I asked God "just show me she's as miserable as I am going thru this..." and God...well, he granted my prayer...she was a mess...she's worn down, tired, working 90 hour work weeks (YEP) and is down right miserable...Thank you God for showing me this...I truly feel it was a blessing...however, again I kind of feel sorry for her...she's alone 51 year old women living above a bar in a not so nice town...wow, choices are a biaaaatch arent they...but, I should NOT feel happy she is miserable...that would be crapping on an answer prayer IMHO...she had the affair ( w/ Cousin)....she wanted and asked for a divorce back in March (she was happy as hell then)...April comes, she sounds different...May comes and she is acting for like her old self vs.. the Chaos child I have been dealing w/ for the past 18 months...wow, life comes as at you fast...I started taking some steps backward...I was in the acceptance phase and moving on...now, my stupid...STUPID A$$ EMOTIONS are in a bundle of nerves...I start slipping...thoughts of...well, you pretty much can figure those out...I don't want to go back, I want to go forward...so, if there are any ladies out there that can give some guidance on what she is feeling or how she is feeling that would be great...guys are just going to say get that paperwork signed and file that puppy which I will...I am just tired of the BS...so what am I Plan Muther F*KING B...nope!!!...safety net man...nope!!!!....so, been trying to limit those areas but my stupid emotions get in the way...anyways, thats it for now...more to come...


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

irish925 said:


> UPDATE - So, had the conversation w/ the wife around the house. We have come to an agreement that is benefical to the both of us and our kids. So good news there...now the freaking weird news...I asked if she had completed the divorce paperwork for filing. She turned to me and said, "I lost them...I thought I had them in my car after we talked two weeks ago but I can't find them"...yea, it was definitly a WTF moment...I kept my cool and just looked at her while she explained this to me...she con't "I know its not right or fair to put you thru this...while I am trying to figure IT out..." I just looked her in the eyes and said, "Well, I appreciate that...if you could get those to me as soon as possible I would appreciate it"...was not the reply she was looking for...she said she's having a hard time now w/ work and her parents moving", blah blah blah...(Not my problem(s))...all I said was I understand, again if you could get those to either me or the attorney that would be great!...she agreed and then the twilight music came on...I told her I had to go out clothes shopping (trying to wrap this meeting up) and she immediately asked if I wanted her to come..."you know I can dress you right!"...and she can, has done it for the past 20 years...which I replied, well, not going today but may let you know when...told her I was going Kayaking next weekend (again, walking to the door and trying to end this meeting) she again conveyed, "I;ll go kayaking w/ you...if you want..."...now by this time the twilight zone music was hitting an all time high in my head...however, I didnt bite, just said..."well, just doing some basic kayaking but will let you know..."...she just smiled...and asked me to go for a walk tomorrow...I said, sure but after Church...she said just give me a call when church is out...this was the next day...Sunday...Saturday was meeting now I'm going out walking w/ her on Sunday (passed weekend)....So, I agreed and met her after Church...I called it went to VM so I figured she was blowing me off which I was ok with...nope, she called 5 mins later...she was doing laundry...I met her, went for a walk/lunch and the conversation got nutty...to the point, she expressed to me that the kids do not reach out to her and see how she is doing...she has to call them...she has to text them...I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT...thank God I went to Church first...and then...here it comes...the nuttiest comment ever "We raised the kids to be Christian and they should care about me and how I am doing"...NOW, the kids know what she did, has been doing and are pretty upset w/ her...I just looked at her and said, "Well they are upset, just give them some time..." she was totally taken aback by this...After this I took her back to her place and dropped her off...After thinking about this, I really kind of feel sorry for her...she turned her back on our family and thinks that we should just accept her and all her drama/BS...well, I am NOT helping dig her out of this mess...I just want her to sign the papers, wait my 90 days and its done...I pray a lot, and I asked God "just show me she's as miserable as I am going thru this..." and God...well, he granted my prayer...she was a mess...she's worn down, tired, working 90 hour work weeks (YEP) and is down right miserable...Thank you God for showing me this...I truly feel it was a blessing...however, again I kind of feel sorry for her...she's alone 51 year old women living above a bar in a not so nice town...wow, choices are a biaaaatch arent they...but, I should NOT feel happy she is miserable...that would be crapping on an answer prayer IMHO...she had the affair ( w/ Cousin)....she wanted and asked for a divorce back in March (she was happy as hell then)...April comes, she sounds different...May comes and she is acting for like her old self vs.. the Chaos child I have been dealing w/ for the past 18 months...wow, life comes as at you fast...I started taking some steps backward...I was in the acceptance phase and moving on...now, my stupid...STUPID A$$ EMOTIONS are in a bundle of nerves...I start slipping...thoughts of...well, you pretty much can figure those out...I don't want to go back, I want to go forward...so, if there are any ladies out there that can give some guidance on what she is feeling or how she is feeling that would be great...guys are just going to say get that paperwork signed and file that puppy which I will...I am just tired of the BS...so what am I Plan Muther F*KING B...nope!!!...safety net man...nope!!!!....so, been trying to limit those areas but my stupid emotions get in the way...anyways, thats it for now...more to come...


I'm just starting to go through the divorce process after finally catching my wife in an affair, with a friend no less. She's had "inappropriate" relationships that I've found about in the past but those are a story for another day. Since confronting her about the recent affair and telling her we were done we've texted back and forth about things a little bit and she didn't agree to anything I proposed. We try not to talk about it around the house because we don't want our 7 year old to know about it yet. She knows this, so whenever we're home she's constantly with him, even has him sleep in our bed. Any time I text her asking to set a time to talk about how we're going to settle everything, she always has something work related to do. She's told me the same thing how she's wanted to split for a wile now but stayed because of our son. But now here we are finally going through with it and she seems to avoid everything that has to do with it. I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to have her served. If she continue's to ignore it and push it aside I'll just keep having her served and eventually the court will finalize it without her and I'll get everything whether she likes it or not.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

irish925 said:


> .... my wife cheated on me and has been lyiing to our entire family about it for a year. I busted her in Jan. and asked her to leave the house until she figured it out. *Since than she asked for a divorce, I said ok if thats what you want lets save some $$ and do this as amicably as possible. *
> 
> ......so why the delay?? Its driving me crazy and my kids are like "she's lost it". My wife is 51 years old, she an RN and now is living above a bar in a town thats less than desirable. She expressed to me that she hates where she lives, not my problem! *I have kept everything cool, no mass texting, no mass emails, no mass *phone calls.
> 
> ...





irish925 said:


> UPDATE - ...I asked if she had completed the divorce paperwork for filing. She turned to me and said, *"I lost them.*..
> 
> ..I told her I had to go out clothes shopping (trying to wrap this meeting up) and she immediately asked if I wanted her to come..."*you know I can dress you right!".*..and she can, has done it for the past 20 years
> 
> ...


It is clear that you understand the grieving process and you are grieving for your lost marriage and dreams. This is as it should be. You have not yet reached acceptance. To get there you need to get over anger. You really do need to forgive her to move forward. Forgiving her doesn't mean you approve of the horrible things she has done. It just means you recognize that she is human and capable of fault and free will. It doesn't mean you have to accept her back.

Once you do forgive her, and you should, things will move forward. You have children and someday they will get married. They will probably want both their parents to be there at their wedding. If you can forgive her that will be much easier on you and your children. 

You understand that she has done something stupid, it has ruined her life, her relationship with her husband, with her children and with her parents. She is dragging her feet because she wants to undo the hurt she has caused herself. She is probably in the denial and bargaining phase. Get her to sign the papers prior to her reaching the anger phase. You will both be happier.

After she signed the papers and the clock is ticking down on your 90 days, say that you will forgive her *and mean it!. *

If I were you, if your kids are old enough to be on their own for a while or with a grandparent and if you have some extra vacation time and the money......after the 90 days are up do something special to celebrate the new you and your freedom.

One option might be to take a short vacation with your kids to someplace fun.

Another alternative once you are single is to take a short trip to Nevada and a legal brothel. 

You need to look toward the future and that there are more and other women out there than just your ex-wife. You sound like you need an attitude adjustment. Finalize the divorce, forgive her, treat yourself to some special post divorce celebration, move to a new and happy future.

Good luck


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Brother, you just stand fast...

You know what is going on, and frankly while I understand, I am a little disappointed that you are even having these thoughts. 

What is going on is the her BF broke up with her or she know that it will happen soon. 

She realizes that you were not so bad to start with... tough luck butter cup.

Yeah, you are plan be, and don't you even got there. You have made all the right moves, she made her bed, let her lay in it. 

You probably have not started dating, but think of this...

There is a woman out there that will appreciate you for being you. She will love you with her whole heart and you will not be plan B. 

HOLD FAST and get her out of your life... HOLD FAST...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You aren't even close to NC. 

Plus you're doing the infamous "pick me dance" and trying to nice her back. Both of which never work. Try a real NC and stop feeding her cake.

You'll wallow in this awhile. 

Wake up


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

irish925 said:


> So, in a nutshell YESWECAN...I hear ya about the fall back plan...*just want to get her guard down so we can talk amicably about the house...have her sign papers and be done w/ it.*..if $hit goes south, this is gonna cost us both...and the kids might feel the affect which I dont want them to...they have been thru enough....
> 
> Thanks for the advice!!!


Smart fellow, thou art.

And even after she is gone, don't be mean.
Just be....not seen.

Just be....not found, not available.
She no longer exists, having no seat at the table.

Mid-Llife-Crisis took her away....a gust of wind, unveiling new trends.
Poof she's gone.
Gone and ruined her life. All alone, no family, no friends.

Living her new life above a bar in a small room.
Having, holding a strange penis on some common man.
Living in a small room, more like an end-of-life tomb.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"there that can give some guidance on what she is feeling or how she is feeling that would be great"
YOU Shouldn't care why/how she is feeling. She fired you from that job. YOU are no longer her husband, her friend, her confidant, her confessor. Just remember that. Keep on track which is better for YOU and your children.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What’s the situation with her boyfriend? Are they living together?

I’m confused about what she wants. Do you think she is trying to get back with you?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want a woman's perspective? Here it is. You're Plan B. Plain and simple. Life hasn't turned out quite as great as she thought it would and you're the fall-back. You don't want that? Then quit encouraging her because that's what you're doing. Read up on the 180 and implement it.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

irish925,

You asked for a woman's perspective.

As I read your story, I felt like crying. Crying for you and your children, not for your wife. 

Your family is a "Christian" family as is mine. Our faith teaches us to love God above all else and follow His precepts, which He established because He loves us, like Jesus did. When we fail, because we are not perfect like Jesus, we repent and are thankful that we are no longer condemned for our sins, because of the gift and mercy of God, in the form of Jesus, who took our condemnation upon himself. We are not to take that lightly, because when we willfully and hardheartedly sin we are basically thumbing our nose at Jesus and re-crucifying him. We are to treat others as we would like to be treated, to keep our promises, to be faithful, kind, to put others before ourselves.

Your wife knows all this, however she chose to put herself first. She put herself before Jesus, you and her precious, innocent children.

Nothing is unforgivable, if there is true repentance. However your wife has not repented. True repentance is not only in repenting before God, but also includes making amends to the people we have hurt. She has not admitted to you what a horrible thing she did to you and the children the two of you brought into the world. Whether she is too proud is irrelevant. She is not truly repentant.

If she repents, God will forgive her, you might (with the help of the Holy Spirit) forgive her. However forgiveness doesn't mean you are obligated to take her back. She broke your marital covenant.

Your wife is trying to get back into your life, and she is not liking her life. She is only sorry things didn't work out the way she had hoped....her lover has left her, she is not living the high life, and she is paying the price for her own actions.

I would suggest you continue to treat her the way you would want to be treated if you had done such a horrible thing. Continue to be kind, and not be filled with hatred. However do not lower your boundaries or let her back into your life, and please stop meeting with her except to discuss the divorce or the children.

Proceed with the divorce. Pay attention to how she behaves after the divorce. If she truly repents, changes, and you see the changes in her (i.e. she does not date anyone even though she is divorced!! She respects your and the children's boundaries, she begins to learn about the dynamics, selfishness and damage she caused through adultery, and she gets counseling, and she stops blaming you for her choice to cheat) then maybe you might consider having her in your life again.

People do remarry after divorce. But it would be a mistake to do so if she hasn't faced her demons, made amends and never want to be that cheating person who hurt everyone.

Move on with your life. Let time work things out. It would take years for her to prove that she has truly changed, if she ever does.

Don't go to a brothel, as someone suggested. Be true to your God, and don't disrespect yourself or set a bad example for your children. When your divorce is final, date when you meet women that interest you.

You will have to have contact with your wife after the divorce because of your children. You will know if she ever truly repents, and if you think she has, take it very slowly. You don't want to be made a fool of twice by the same woman.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears you are having some thoughts of R. That is ok. Nothing wrong with that. However, recognize R is gift. Your W should see that it is a gift. Now, I have seen some say that their marriage is dead. It was killed on D-day. As such, let that marriage die. Maybe start dating down the road and see were it goes. Or just let it go.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Female, here. 

She is the epitome of a HYPOCRITE. How DARE her come down on your kids about not doing the "Christian" thing as they were raised! Um, hey, how about INFIDELITY NOT being the Christian thing to do?? How the hell was SHE raised? I practice no religion but am pretty damn positive that cheating on your husband is on the DONT DO list for almost all of them! Omg.... the gall...

Yes, you are PLAN B. She is in shock from the reality of the life she chose by being a cheating [email protected], and she doesn't like how it feels, because people in general are not very nice to cheaters. She is realizing that life wasn't that bad and she screwed up. She is blame shifting also, her saying that it took all this to get your attention?? Sorry lady, but cheating is a choice.. no matter what YOU did, it does not justify her cheating. If she wasn't happy then it was on her to make that known so you could work on it, or she should have gotten out. No matter what song and dance she throws at you, DO NOT take her back, DO NOT give this another chance. She needs to get off her pity pot and fix her relationship with your kids. 

STOP engaging her, STOP idle chit chat, STOP listening to her problems. And STOP telling her you'll let her know about doing things together, say NO, say that is not where we are in this relationship any more. Period. Make it known to her that you don't need her cooperation to get a divorce, because you DONT.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I think I just threw up a little bit. 

Man that was hard to read.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If you enjoy being her emotional tampon continue doing what you are doing. 

Moonlight walks, kayaking, shopping together...wow! That is sooooo sweet!










The reality is that she totally ****ed you and your kids around! 

She lives above a bar. She works long hours. Her cheater boyfriend dumped her. She alienated her friends and family. She realizes her life is a total crap show now. 

BFD! 

Not your circus, not your monkeys...any more.

I reiterate, if you enjoy being her emotional tampon continue doing what you are doing. 

IMO, do what you've gotta do to get the paperwork signed and filed ASAP.

When the divorce is done and she comes begging on her hands and knees then you might have something to talk about...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

I just love this forum, sure sometimes you get smacked around for the things you post that others do NOT agree with (MARC878, jlg07, and Openminded) but they are just speaking their truth...and I appreciate the kick in the a$$...I do so thank you guys...sometimes you just need some good ole smack down in your face advice...so, THANK YOU!!!...

Than you have others who make your day or make you think about the WHOLE situation, not just how you feel or what have you (SUnCMars, Chapparel, young at heart, bluespower and yeswecan)...thank you all for your words of wisdom (And Chapparel I dont think she's trying to get me back, just wants to make sure good ole plan B is still in place - YEA RIGHT)...

And than...than there are those who just crack my a$$ up!!!...(buttpunch and Tron)...who just put it out there in a way that just makes me laugh and say, damn their right! (especially Tron - Crazy Mofo but spot on!)

But those that made me look inside (Aruacaria and 3Xnocharm) and have given me the insight and guidance I feel I needed at the time...THANK YOU!!!...you are a blessing!!!

So, with that said...I want to give a shot out to all of you...THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!...this forum has helped me in so many ways...I wish it didnt need to exist, but it does...it has purpose...it speaks truth even though you (me) dont want to hear that...well, truth hurts...again, THANK YOU ALL!!!!....

Divorce gets filed in the AM, starting 6/1 I am on my 90 day countdown...thanks guys and God Bless!...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No Contact is for you and your future. If you don't you'll just stay bound up in this. There's zero future in that for you.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Marc878 and everyone else - NO CONTACT...the only contact I may have w/ her is about divorce or kids...THATS IT...no more...NO MORE...its 6/1 and my paperwork is being filed as we speak...now, the 90 day countdown...and than I am done!!!...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stick to texts or email. No phone calls. Pickups and drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with zero engagement. Anything not kid or business related. Ignore.

You'll be a lot better off as most find out.


----------



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Female, here.
> 
> She is the epitome of a HYPOCRITE. How DARE her come down on your kids about not doing the "Christian" thing as they were raised! Um, hey, how about INFIDELITY NOT being the Christian thing to do?? How the hell was SHE raised? I practice no religion but am pretty damn positive that cheating on your husband is on the DONT DO list for almost all of them! Omg.... the gall...
> 
> ...


This

I agree 100%

Read this a few times!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** Hello all, I just wanted to give an update on the haps in my neck of the woods. So, 6/1 I implemented the dreaded 180 NO CONTACT. No emails, no phone calls no texting, filed my divorce on 6/1 and am currently on my 90 day countdown to DDay (70 days to go). All that is left to accomplish is the signing of the PSA (Property Settlement Agreement), once that is signed then its just a waiting game. So, where to begin, during my 180 NC phase (first week), was when I found out (MIL) that my wife's OM was in my neck of the woods (she's trying to convince him to move), I found out thru my MIL and my daughter, my daughter conveyed to me that her mom said "OM would really like to meet you, do you want to meet him?" Our daughters response "HELL NO, mom what the hell are you doing you are not even divorced yet and you are flaunting him around and rubbing our faces in it?!" My daughter is really upset about her moms behavior, I just listen and say "pray for mom, she's not in a good place right now". After which my MIL called me to convey her feelings (she was pissed) about the OM (her nephew) being up in our neck of the woods. I just conveyed to my MIL that "not my monkey" aka not my problem any more. She conveyed the same old same old all MIL's do, "she is going to regret this big time if a few years...". I love my MIL, we never got along at first but created a strong bond over the next +20 years as well as my FIL (he's more embarrassed than anything else and just conveys to me that life for me will "get a whole lot better"). Now, that was just the first two weeks of my NC and let me tell you something it felt great...to no longer give a flying f&*k about what my STBXW is doing, its a liberating feeling. I feel for my children and do not want them to go thru some of this heartache so I control myself when I am around them so they dont have to bare the whole load, I cannot control my ex so...all her actions are on her.

Now, the next week or last weekend was fathers day. So, I started it off by going to church during my time in church the STBXW calls me (punt to vmail I DO NOT ANSWER), next I head home and low and behold all my children are there to wish me a happys fathers day! The boys were great and took off after breakfast, my daughter made plans for me and her for the rest of the day. NOW, the wierdness creeps in, while I am at home I notice I have a vmail on my machine I listen to it and its my STBXW wishing me a happy fathers day AND she will be swinging by to say HELLO (WTF). SO, while the boys left and it was just me and my daughter my STBXW shows up. She comes to the porch and wishes me a happy fathers day, I said thank you. Now, she proceeds to sit down I am NOT engaging in any convo w/ her, I just spoke to my daughter the whole time. My STBXW brought up some topics which I was cold to and immediately changed to a subject I wanted to talk about...weather, were we (my daughter and I are going today), upcoming trips, etc...my STBXW was engaging but I wasnt...just kept is simple, its not my place to entertain her anymore, not my place to "make her laugh" or feel happy...NOT MY MONKEY...so, after which my STBXW was heading to the inlaws to wish her father a happy fathers day (spoke to them earlier in the AM), told her to wish him a happy fathers day and cya. Now, after she left my and my daughter looked at each other, I said, "that was awkward" which my daughter and I just LOL about it. My STBXW was hoping for the other dude, you know the pick me pick me dude or the plan B guy...nope, I got other plans. My daughter said, "Dad, I think...no wait, I dont know what the hell she is thinking" and we both just LOL. I again expressed to "pray for your mom, she's not in a good place" which she said..and I quote "You always say that..and Dad...I'm so proud of you. During all this you handled yourself like a true man and I hope when I have boys they are exactly like you" (truly made my day!!!). She took me out to lunch than we went and seen the new Marvel movie (freakin awesome flick) and just had fun. It was one the best fathers day I had in a very long time.

Now, more weirdness, less than 24 hours after fathers day I get a text from my STBXW (2 days in a row LOL WOW), asking if it would be ok to stop up some time this week. I DIDNT answer right away, have a 24 hour rule, after which I said sure what day/time? She texts me back (3 days in a row, WOW LOL), with her entire schedule for the week and what day/times work best for me. Now, I went out w/ my daughter yesterday and we have a rule, no mentioning the divorce or mom until we are done w/ our meal...at least halfway...so, I am halfway thru my meal and my daughter looks at my plate, than at me...I knew something was coming...so my daughter says, "dad, I think something happened while mom was up at the house on Sunday (fathers day).." I said to her, give me two more bites...LOL...ok, whats up to my daughter...well, when I get home from our time together mom shows up..."to spend some time w/ you"...which I reply "well thats good to spend time w/ your mom...all good stuff" which my daughter conveys that she only has time when SHE WANTS IT...not me...now that her OM is not around she wants to spend time w/ me NOW?!?!" I look at her and say I hear ya and that sucks...I told her and showed her the texts I have been getting from her mom, we both just LOL'd...shake our heads and say "NOT MY MONKEY"...this has torn up my daughter over the last 6 months. I found out of the affair 1/1/2018 and tried for the next 6 months to reconcile...but she was "in the fog" or "fantasy land"...I tried to my detriment...it hurt me and my children more than I can put into words...silver lining = I have a better and stronger relationship with all of my children than I ever had!!!...sucks you have to go thru this to find out that my inlaws love me, my children love me...and guess what I LOVE ME...I have faults...I'm a sinner like everyone else, but I am a man of integrity and dignity and she aint getting those! I never begged pleaded bribed or whatever, but I did chase for my reasons = I can leave this relationship knowing I tried and did all I could to make amends but it takes two to make a marriage work.... 

Now, I DIDNT answer right away, 24 hour rule in effect, to her last text, I replied Sat. late morning works. She replied back w/ will 11AM work? I HAVENT REPLIED back, will do that later on tonight when I feel like it with no problem. So, I need some guidance and help...I will be seeing my STBXW on Sat. @ 11AM...how do you stay focused and unemotional when speaking to your STBXW?

What are some things that I should be thinking about to keep my mindset in focus? Please remember, I dont want to hold onto anger, which will lead me to say things I may...MAY regret later...I still need her to sign the PSA so, I need to be amicable and need guidance.

Anyone have ideas on how to stay focused when dealing with your STBXW?

THANK YOU TO ALL THE ADVICE...


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So why exactly are you meeting with her? is this something about the divorce? If not, why are you bothering? Tell her that she needs to sign the PSA and that she can do that when she meets you Saturday (if she won't then again, why bother?)


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

jlg07 - I hear ya, I am "assuming" its to talk about her stuff. She left all her crap here and to be honest I want that $hit gone! I dont want to be an a$$hole about it, some of her stuff has sentimental value to her so taking them to the dump would make me look like an a$$hole IMHO. I want to take the high road here...

Yep, I hear ya however I want some answers around her stuff, animals and a few other things <-- all business related, no reconcile BS here by me! She hasn't nor have I asked why she wants to meet? I do NOT want to engage w/ her, she wants to show up and pick up some of her stuff, no problem...she wants to show up and discuss the PSA...ok, however she shows up and wants to discuss anything else, "grab you coat and hat and GTFO b/c I have plans to go kayaking later on today..."

What I want to accomplish - When are you clearing out your stuff from MY house? Are you planning on taking any of the animals (2 dogs 2 cats)? Once the PSA is finalized I would like it signed so we are just waiting for the clock to run out, sound good? 

There are other items like that but its all business related...

I don't want to ask via text, was trying 180 hard core and keeping it limited to any communication. I thought about asking, but again I felt that would be engaging w/ her so I said f NO...


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

And she is just convinced that her and OM are going to ride off into the sunset? 

Still?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you do agree to meet her at eleven am then make it clear that you have to be somewhere else by one.Under no circumstances agree to go to lunch or even for coffee.Be polite but distant and explain that you need to get the PSA sorted out.Maybe even arrange for someone to call for you at a prearranged time.
She is praying that you suggest reconciliation and is clever enough to understand that YOU have to be the one to suggest it.This is going to be her last throw of the dice so she is going to go all out.
This is probably the last thing on your mind but please please do not have sex with her.Depending on which state you live in once you have sex then her cheating is off the table as regards the divorce settlement.You may feel that it would be revenge on the om but the only person really getting screwed would be you.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop the contact. You're still talking and not doing.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How does she know so much about your daily activities and self improvement? Are you trying to make her regret leaving you by showing that you'd the better man (i.e., showing her the new you)? Whatever game you're playing stop it. You're as much to blame for the delay as she is. Now you lost momentum ...she's not signing the papers. Her behavior shows that she clearly does not love you nor is she your friend ... and if she returns to you it's for the wrong reason (financial) so it's time for you to move on. You should carry the papers directly to her and have her sign.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Andy1001 Great idea, have someone call me at a specific time...will definitely put that into play...sex?!?!?!? are you out of your mind?!?!?!?...I wouldn't f'er w/ Marc878 d!ck...

Speaking of...Marc878 WHAT?!?!?!?!...c'mon man, I need the PSA signed, pets and her stuff answered....that's it! I AM doing more...and talking less...c'mon man, where is the love!  I've come so far, thanks to your guidance and others...so, please send positive vibes my way my man...

One thing in all this mess, you got to (or maybe just me) keep your sense of humor in all of this...else it will just drive you crazy...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Robert22205 - I have no idea what you mean about daily activities or self improvement...how she knows it? I have no clue nor do I care...its not about her its about me so, not my monkey. Trying to make her regret???? - um, nope I tried that for 6 months and that ain't happening any more! Delay is on me? Ok, I'll own that one, for the first 6 months you are absolutely correct, I tried to reconcile my relationship to no avail. She did sign the divorce papers, we are in mediation and the last doc to be signed is the PSA so...no momentum lost there...Agree, she is no longer my friend and I am ok w/ that...no she is not returning and yes I am moving on...I dont know if you been thru divorce but in my state there is a 90 day mediation and signing phase...thats the part I am in now...as for games, there are none...just business arrangements...aka house...that is all...


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@irish925, 

Let me make this much, much easier for you. No Contact mean *NO CONTACT of any kind*. Not emails, not phone calls, not letters, not texts...nothing. You keep saying "Not my monkey" but let me put this into perspective for you: exactly how often have you contacted the grocery store clerk this week? How about the bank teller? What? ZERO? That's because they really aren't your monkeys! All these little texts once a day actually ARE a little monkey act.

Now here's another perspective: if you were a drug addict and you said, "Oh i'm drug free now. I only do ONE LITTLE SHOT of heroine a day and I used to do ten!"...are you really clean and sober? Nope. You haven't even gone through withdrawal yet!!

Going true No Contact actually can feel a little bit like withdrawal because part of you misses the contact with someone you used to love (even if the contact now is just negative). Going true No Contact, you will think of 1000 reasons why you "have to" text or email or call...and you know what? You really, honestly DON'T! But in order to really heal and grow through this, you honestly do have to actually go through a fairly significant period of actual NO CONTACT. *NOTHING*. Not a word or a letter or an emoji! 

Soooo...I get it. You have come a long way. Time to really break free. For the next week, no matter what reason, do not contact her or accept any contact. Do not go meet her at 11am on Saturday. If she has stuff in your house, box it up, leave it neatly in the garage, tell her she has until July 30th to remove it or you are donating it, and then change your cell phone number so she can no longer text you. 

*NO contact. * You will suffer for about a week, and then it will get better. You can do this!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

@Affaircare

I hear you about "NO CONTACT of any kind" and I see your POV, I haven't contacted her at all, she reached out after fathers day. I responded, yes (broke no contact in replying to her text), my reasons behind that are about arrangements relating to the divorce, kids, animals and assets, that is all. If this is a "little monkey act" than I will own it, I have my reasons and if you cannot see that...not my monkey  

Understand about the withdrawal, been going thru that since Jan however I see your POV...Going true no contact for me will not be until the PSA is signed and my 90 days are complete/divorce is final. Than, I could give a rats a$$... 

Now, here is where you are going to go nucking futs on my a$$...I will accept contact w/ her to discuss PSA, the kids, her stuff and the animals...that is it!!!...

Unfortunately Affaircare, according to you (and I agree but looking at the bigger picture) I will be suffering a little while longer...for the next 70 days...till this is final...than, hahaha...my life truly begins!!!

NOW, please a little help w/ some guidance...per above...

"I will be seeing my STBXW on Sat. @ 11AM...how do you stay focused and unemotional when speaking to your STBXW? What are some things that I should be thinking about to keep my mindset in focus? Please remember, I dont want to hold onto anger, which will lead me to say things I may...MAY regret later...I still need her to sign the PSA, make arrangements for her stuff, discuss animals... so, I need to be amicable and need guidance."


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

irish925 said:


> I will be seeing my STBXW on Sat. @ 11AM...how do you stay focused and unemotional when speaking to your STBXW? What are some things that I should be thinking about to keep my mindset in focus? Please remember, I dont want to hold onto anger, which will lead me to say things I may...MAY regret later...I still need her to sign the PSA, make arrangements for her stuff, discuss animals... so, I need to be amicable and need guidance.


Okay, if you are choosing to you see your STBXW on Sat. @ 11am, that's your decision, and I would just say be cognizant that you are CHOOSING to engage when you know it will likely result in some heartache for you or manipulation from her. If you know that going into it, you can at least say "Well...I chose this!" LOL

How do you stay focused? Well I would engage as little as possible. She's not going to give you "closure" or "answers" so don't hope for that sort of thing. Just have her stuff packed and out of your home...have it neat and ready for her to pick up...have maybe 2 or 3 business topics you want to address pre-planned out (I want to address A, B and C)...and then no matter what she says, just keep repeating "I want to address A, B and C". 

Here's my guess: she'll either be looking to start a fight with you so she can justify to herself why she "had to" leave you or as a way to blame you for the **** that happening in her life (it couldn't possibly be lover-boy OM or her!)....OR she's going to try to see if you'd be willing to be Plan B and dance the PickMe Dance. 

Having NO contact would not give her what she's looking for...having some contact, she's hoping she can get what she's after. Thus I'd say "I want to address A, B and C" over and over again like a broken record and nothing more. LITERALLY nothing more. Either she'll address those topics or she won't, but at least you won't have given her what she's after. If she starts trying to pick a fight or get physical, just say "I want to address A, B, and C. If you're not willing to address those topics, I'm done here" and turn and walk into the house and lock the door. 

See what I mean? NO engagement is best...choosing 2 or maybe 3 things to address and engaging only on those things is tolerable but not best. 

You may also want to record everything using your cell phone just to make sure she doesn't try a false abuse claim. Yes, I know-- "She would never do that" but you'd be surprised how many men think that. Whether your state is a 1 party or 2 party state, all you have to do is hold your phone out so she sees it and say "I am recording this interaction for both of our safety. If you speak to me, that is agreement to record. If you don't wish to be recorded, no need to speak to me."


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that you need to go more no contact, she needs to stop coming over. You need to let her know that she is not welcome. When she comes over on Saturday, keep it businesslike… Ask her what she wants, tell her you need her to sign the PSA, and to set a date and time to get all of her stuff out of your house. She was out of line coming over and hanging out on Father's Day. You've really made great strides but she needs to learn her place, you need to learn to set boundaries


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"What I want to accomplish - When are you clearing out your stuff from MY house? Are you planning on taking any of the animals (2 dogs 2 cats)? Once the PSA is finalized I would like it signed so we are just waiting for the clock to run out, sound good? 

There are other items like that but its all business related..."

I think this is a good plan -- you sound like you can handle the meeting emotionally- PLEASE just be careful for yourself. She knows you and your weak spots -- don't let her play you. I think the items you are talking about COULD be handled via text, but as long as you keep all of the discussions to just that stuff, I hope it works out for you.
For her stuff, I wouldn't suggest throwing it out. You COULD pack it all up, put it in storage, pay for 1 month, and mail her the key telling her she needs to take care of the costs past that 1 month period. This way, you place it on HER to deal with her stuff. The animals do complicate things, but would you be ok if you kept all of them? I would have thought that they would have been part of the mediation discussions? 

Since you are meeting, maybe you have her sign the PSA FIRST THING -- tell her you need that done, and then you can discuss the other items -- do this before she gets to HER agenda -- use it as leverage to get it done before allowing any other discussion. Not sure if it will work (you know her best)?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree totally with the advice you've been given. 

Just to be clear, your wife is obviously making contact with you regularly now for a reason.

The reasons are:

1 OM is gone and she needs a nest
2 She is needing you to pine for her so she will get some emotional gratification/support, and she wants to check to see if you're still on the hook.
3 She is wanting you back (this is the worst scenario, because you're wanting her to want that)

Any of these reasons are bad for you. They could set you back weeks. They could weaken your resolve. They could cause you to procrastinate.

You really do need to take her crap to a storage center and give her the key. That would stop all the visits and such. She left her stuff there for a reason. And that reason was so she still had the opportunity to see you in person, should she changer her mind.

You also need to get a divorce agreement signed at all costs in order to get a fair divorce while she still may be someone feeling guilty.

You're doing well. Your kids are on your side. So are her own parents. Don't let this woman break you and get you to take her back. Just remember how cold and callous she was toward you.
Get her **** out of your house.
Then no more "visits".
You are about to divorce and don't need this drama in your life anymore. Let her own the drama, don't feed into it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Make sure you give a time limit too... say like 45 minutes and then you "have" to be somewhere, and stick to it, even if all you do is drive to McDonalds lol. If she deviates from the items you want to discuss, then let her know its time for her to go.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Here's my opinion.

Don't tell her as soon as you see her that you have to be somewhere in X minutes. Give her 5 minutes to begin talking, and depending on what she is talking about, you can decide how long you want to talk with her.

If she starts talking about going on walks with you, and that kind of thing, you bring up the question or you tell her by when she needs to come get her stuff, including her pets. Keep going on that. Then tell her you have to be somewhere in (a short amount of time.)

If within the first 5 minutes she begins talking about important things to get the divorce finalized and things settled, you don't have to tell her you have to be anywhere. 

Only use the "I have to be somewhere" tactic if you realize the convo isn't going anywhere productive toward divorce matters.


----------



## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

maybe she had a thought about it and having a second thought now. But I guess you're just both selfish that is a hard problem on marriage...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

manknot said:


> maybe she had a thought about it and having a second thought now. But I guess you're just both selfish that is a hard problem on marriage...


A CHEATING WIFE is pretty damn hard on a marriage! WTF dude??


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

As soon as she walks the door, the first words out of your mouth should be, “please sign this” and have a pen already on the paper. Don’t say another word until she signs

Ask her about the animals. If you don’t want one or all of them, tell her that if she doesn’t taken it/them, they are going to the pound on Monday.

Then walk out the door


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Kamstel said:


> As soon as she walks the door, the first words out of your mouth should be, “please sign this” and have a pen already on the paper. Don’t say another word until she signs
> 
> Ask her about the animals. If you don’t want one or all of them, tell her that if she doesn’t taken it/them, they are going to the pound on Monday.
> 
> Then walk out the door


That's definitely an option, given how she has behaved. OP you need to decide how "nice" you want to keep it, and if you even need to anymore.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Thank you all for your advice, I have a list of topics to address...its short and to the point...will keep you posted...

And MANKNOT, seriously, I AM BEING SELFISH?!?!?...dude, you may be cuckold but not I...I gave her 6 months (to my detriment and being slammed by most on the board for my actions) to figure her $hit out. Think you may want to start reading this thread from the beginning. Right now, she is poison to be around, if I had my choice I wouldn't let me kids (all +20) around her. She is a liar, cheater, hypocrite, phony and full of BS...I dont know where you are coming from to be honest, maybe you see it differently but for me...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...we were married for 20 years and for her to do what she did w/o even talking or discussing what she was having a problem is...is...selfish...self-centered...she tossed, not only me but the entire family aside for an affair she refuses to end...nope, I'm done!


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@irish925, how did the meeting go?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** The meeting - What a freakin mind game, glad I was prepared for it. She came over, WITH MY DAUGHTER in tow. My daughter left for Europe, backpacking thru Europe so i apologize for the late reply but wanted to spend as much time as I could w/ her before she left (she slept over my place till she left, I drove her to the airport). So, I got the Property Settlement Agreement agreed to and delivered to our/my attorney. Now, I am on my 90 day countdown (day 67). Now, during the meeting I got hit w/ the following (amicable people...I am trying to be amicable and had my daughter just inside the house leaving for Europe and I didnt want her to leave on a bad note between me and her mom):

- She conveyed that she isn't moving out of state nor is dip$hit moving to our neck of the woods. - I dont give a rat's a$$ anymore, but I didnt say a word...I didnt bite 
- She conveyed that she NEEDS me in her life. - Talk about a WTF moment, didnt respond at all just listened
- She wants to reconnect with me. - I bit on this one, said "I've been trying to disconnect from you since 6/1...you are poison to be around right now"
- She thinking of "resetting" or reconciling our relationship - Didnt bite on this one
- Wants to keep my last name - Didn't bite on this one

After she was done speaking, I just said "you have given me a lot to think about...hope you have a great day"

Now, that was last week this week I got hit with texts / phone call(s)...she asked to drop some stuff off and pick some stuff up...just yesterday with the following:

- You are worthy - Um, didn't see or hear you say that over the last 6 months, but I again didn't bite...
- She loves me - Another WTF moment, didn't bite on this one
- Owns her mistake(s) - Didn't bite on this one
- Wants to work on making our relationship stronger from this - Bit on this one, I expressed to her..."um, don't I get a say in this?" Which floored her and I went back to listening mode
- Tears (no $hit, tears of sorrow), crying about the lost of the marriage but more importantly her best friend - I bit on this one, I said, "choices are a biaatch aren't they?" 
- Time, she asked me to give her time to straighten herself out - Didn't bite

After she took some stuff, not much at all, she came from behind and gave me a hug. Weird as hell...the last thing she said to me was, "I know I am asking a lot, can you give me some time. I want to work on me, I have neglected myself and my family and pulled back from you all way to far...I was selfish and I own it, I made a big mistake and I'm sorry"...which I replied back with this, classic example guys and picked it off the web...

I grabbed a plate and handed it to her:

Me - "Now, go ahead and throw it on the ground"
Her - "What?"
Me - "Just throw it hard on the ground"
Her - She threw it and the plate shattered into a bunch of pieces
Me - "Now, say you are sorry to the plate"
Her - "What?"
Me - "All will be clear in just a moment, just say you are sorry to the plate"
Her - She says "sorry" to the plate
Me - "Did the plate put itself back together again?"
Her - "No"
Me - "Now do you understand!"

This example left a mark, she was dumbfounded. 

Now, here I am writing to you all with much thanks...I am a better person now!!!...so much better, not saying my old self was a bad person, just boring!!!...I am not done growing by any means and...some of you are going to go nuts but oh well, I still have feelings for my STBXW...after 20 years of marriage, I know her to be a good...no, great person...yea I hear ya...WTF are you talking about she cheated on you you idiot!!...all I can say to you all is this, I own my $hit, I neglected her...so many ways, and I owned it back in March/April time frame...was part of my healing process...I leaned on her too much, too many things I just expected from her...definitely took her for granted...and neglected to speak her love language...my STBXW is menopausal, jacked up on Ritalin (ADD), going or now should I say she was going thru her mid life crisis and her chaos child was out BIG TIME!!!...bad combo, not to mention her upbringing (even thought parents stayed together) was hard, her mom cheated on her dad numerous times and vica versa...

I am going to forgive my STBXW, not going to be friends...told her I am a "all in or all out" dude, she LOL and said she knew that and thats whats eating her up the most...I didnt bite when she said that...wanted to say "well, cheating on me didnt help and maybe that should be biting at you" but WTF is the point...forgiveness is a blessing for both, it allows me to move forward and NOT be a bitter person...I can't stand people who are bitter, f'that...lifes too short...

So, thats my update...LET ME HAVE IT!!...LOL...I know someone's going to say "you freakin idiot...you are just....." but hey, just doing me!

Peace!!!


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

irish925 said:


> ***Update*** The meeting - What a freakin mind game, glad I was prepared for it. She came over, WITH MY DAUGHTER in tow. My daughter left for Europe, backpacking thru Europe so i apologize for the late reply but wanted to spend as much time as I could w/ her before she left (she slept over my place till she left, I drove her to the airport). So, I got the Property Settlement Agreement agreed to and delivered to our/my attorney. Now, I am on my 90 day countdown (day 67). Now, during the meeting I got hit w/ the following (amicable people...I am trying to be amicable and had my daughter just inside the house leaving for Europe and I didnt want her to leave on a bad note between me and her mom):
> 
> - She conveyed that she isn't moving out of state nor is dip$hit moving to our neck of the woods. - I dont give a rat's a$$ anymore, but I didnt say a word...I didnt bite
> - She conveyed that she NEEDS me in her life. - Talk about a WTF moment, didnt respond at all just listened
> ...














irish925 said:


> Now, here I am writing to you all with much thanks...I am a better person now!!!...so much better, not saying my old self was a bad person, just boring!!!...I am not done growing by any means and...some of you are going to go nuts but oh well, I still have feelings for my STBXW...after 20 years of marriage, I know her to be a good...no, great person...yea I hear ya...WTF are you talking about she cheated on you you idiot!!...all I can say to you all is this, I own my $hit, I neglected her...so many ways, and I owned it back in March/April time frame...was part of my healing process...I leaned on her too much, too many things I just expected from her...definitely took her for granted...and neglected to speak her love language...my STBXW is menopausal, jacked up on Ritalin (ADD), going or now should I say she was going thru her mid life crisis and her chaos child was out BIG TIME!!!...bad combo, not to mention her upbringing (even thought parents stayed together) was hard, her mom cheated on her dad numerous times and vica versa...
> 
> I am going to forgive my STBXW, not going to be friends...told her I am a "all in or all out" dude, she LOL and said she knew that and thats whats eating her up the most...I didnt bite when she said that...wanted to say "well, cheating on me didnt help and maybe that should be biting at you" but WTF is the point...forgiveness is a blessing for both, it allows me to move forward and NOT be a bitter person...I can't stand people who are bitter, f'that...lifes too short...
> 
> ...


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Just so I understand, and I don't want to jump the gun...

And be gentle with us, please....

Are you saying that you are entertaining the idea of getting back together with your wife? Is that what you agre saying, it is hard to read you post because my EYES are blurry. Must be the bi drink of whisky that I just took....

Is that what you are saying???????????


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Tron - too funny...figured I was going to catch some $hit for that, but letting go is easier for me to just forgive and let go...you're like a Russian judge during the Olympics...but, appreciate your POV!!!

BluesPower - Nope, I think I have passed thru the Regret phase and have landed in Acceptance. I cannot turn back the clock or just shove this under the rug, I can forgive but I will never forget...if that makes sense to you...

I am just being honest and confessing to you that I'll miss some of the things...memories of times past...but thats just it, past not future...

As for feelings for my STBXW, let me put it to you this way, she's an RN nurse in the ED unit...if I landed in the hospital, I would not want any other person/nurse taking care of me besides her...she's passionate about what she does and loves to help/heal people...its a shame too, she seems like she's coming out of the fog but, too little too late...choices, they are a biaaatch...

Now, my FIL came over and we talked, he's totally in agreement w/ my actions...he said, "well, you know some people who get divorced sometimes they get remarried"...my reply, "some people need a shot of iron into the brain when they think like that..." we just LOL


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

irish925 said:


> BluesPower - Nope, I think I have passed thru the Regret phase and have landed in Acceptance. I cannot turn back the clock or just shove this under the rug, I can forgive but I will never forget...if that makes sense to you...
> 
> I am just being honest and confessing to you that I'll miss some of the things...memories of times past...but thats just it, past not future...
> 
> ...


Ok, that is good, I am not sure that could have dealt with that. LOL. 

Just for the sake of argument, do you think all of the things that she said to you is because she broke up with her BF?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hmm...I really didn't think about it...maybe it was her way to gain some closure on some issues...or maybe alleviate some guilt...I dont know...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> - She conveyed that she isn't moving out of state nor is dip$hit moving to our neck of the woods. - I dont give a rat's a$$ anymore, but I didnt say a word...I didnt bite
> - She conveyed that she NEEDS me in her life. - Talk about a WTF moment, didnt respond at all just listened
> - She wants to reconnect with me. - I bit on this one, said "I've been trying to disconnect from you since 6/1...you are poison to be around right now"
> - She thinking of "resetting" or reconciling our relationship - Didnt bite on this one
> ...


After they destroy everything and **** their brains out they most always want to be friends.

It's for her not you.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Marc878 - Again, spot on! I'm done...57 more days my friend and I am done!!!!....thank you for your guidance!!!!


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> After they destroy everything and **** their brains out they most always want to be friends.
> 
> It's for her not you.


So true.....

And after the POSOM dumps them, because he got what he wanted and the drama is never ending (in OP’s situation there is NEVER going to be acceptance by the kids or other family members, which are OM’s family too).....

THEN it finally hits them that their chances of getting a DECENT guy to ever want to be with them are low and will only shrink as time moves on.....

And that can lead some to a desperation to try to regain what they suddenly realize might be their last chance at a good man in their BH.....if only they can beg their way into forgiveness.

And in OP’s situation, there is probably an added fear that she might also permanently lose her kids if the D goes through.....but if Irish agreed to R, then the relationship with her kids would eventually heal too.....they would be unlikely to cut her off if their dad remains with her.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> - *Tears (no $hit, tears of sorrow), crying about the lost of the marriage but more importantly her best friend *


Sorry man but those tears were for her not you.

She's woken up to the fact she's **** in her nest. It's all self pity. Not remourse

Glad you didn't fall for it. Continue on.

Poor muffin


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree with Marc878 -- she is NOT remorseful here at all. It's all about her -- poor her, SHE made bad choices, HER life sucks, SHE needs you, etc.. Where is her concern for YOU! What about her saying what she can do to help YOU? What about writing a timeline out about the affair? What about her saying she will answer everything truthfully to any questions YOU have? She is NOT remorseful. 

BTW, I loved the imagery about the plate -- I hope it got the point across to her.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

56 and counting


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Man - The drama of it all...before I begin, I get three phone calls from my STBXW yesterday (all went to vmail, don't want the drama). Than I get a call from my In laws home phone (IN laws are moving to AZ on Wednesday, they are awesome folks and have been totally cool with me and everything going on) so I picked it up...only to find it was my STBXW calling (thought she was at work and NEVER used her parents line to call me)...

Now, onto the BS....

She asked if I had a second...and even didn't wait for my reply she just went right into it..."I need you in my life, but I just don't want to be married. I don't want to lose my friend...you...you mean more than I thought"

Me - "Friends?, I cannot nor will I be friends with you...you are poison to me, you are selfish, a liar, a manipulator and deceitful. These are not character traits I want in a friend. Savvy?" Her response, I just need time...ME - "We have 55 days till the divorce is final; the repcructions are that you not only lost or destroyed our family with your affair, you have lost someone who truly loved you. For the good and the bad, we have been thru so much yet you are choose to be selfish and just want your cake and eat it too. You not only lost a husband and family, you have now lost a friend. After the divorce, things will be different...I do not want to see you...I do not want to hang out with you...it hurts too much for me and I need to start taking care of my mental well being and I hope you understand that..." Her reply, why? My response - "You got to be f*&king kidding me, you destroyed our family b/c of a feeling that has now gone away b/c your lover will never change, you don't want to be married b/c of reason that are just selfish and self centered. One day you will look back and regret your actions. I will NOT be in your life". Her response, "I'm sorry, I love you I just don't want to be married anymore." My response back, "wish you told me that 20 years ago, could have saved a lot of time and heartache". Her, Why can't we be friends...Me, "We can't, and I already expressed that to you numeours times, and ya know what - I am NOT sorry, it hurts to be around you...it hurts that you treated me in this fashion...it hurts that you turned your back on our family...and you just want to continue doing so..." Her response, "I need you in my life"...Me, "I don't need you! You should have thought about that before...but, you didn't and STILL you put yourself before everyone, you just want to lean on me until you find another man" Her, "They can never replace you..." Me - I KNOW THAT!!!...you are just realizing it (and yes MARC878 I thought of you before I said) PUDDIN... but since you do not want to be married...you have already made your choice....Good bye, I wish you nothing but the best"...Her response - WHY?!?!?....that's when I let loose..."You forgot about who I am...I am all in or all out...the next person that comes in my life and we fall in love...that person...that women will DESERVE all of my love...I will be all in...b/c that's who I am and that's what that other person derseves...ALL OF MY LOVE..." Her response - Your a great man...Me - I know, Good bye!"



Man, it feels good to let go!!!...THANKS GUYS...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

BRAVO!!

Great job!!!!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Translation: I only ****ed him for 6 months or so. You should be able to get over that.

Why can’t we all just get along. 

I don’t want to be married so I can **** around whenever I want but I want/need you to feed me more cake.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You did great and said everything as well as you could say it. 

Too bad she has a little trouble understanding the severity of what she did. 

I'm gonna pull out my inner Bandit45 and suggest the next time she weasels you onto the phone, tell her you don't associate with lying, cheating, nasty, cun*s like her and hang up. Sometimes you just have to let out all the vulgar nastiness you can muster just to get your point across.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

irish925 said:


> Man - The drama of it all...before I begin, I get three phone calls from my STBXW yesterday (all went to vmail, don't want the drama). Than I get a call from my In laws home phone (IN laws are moving to AZ on Wednesday, they are awesome folks and have been totally cool with me and everything going on) so I picked it up...only to find it was my STBXW calling (thought she was at work and NEVER used her parents line to call me)...
> 
> Now, onto the BS....
> 
> ...


Hold on, let me get this straight....

She actually thinks you are that stupid? I mean she really thinks that after everything? Astounding...


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tron said:


> You did great and said everything as well as you could say it.
> 
> Too bad she has a little trouble understanding the severity of what she did.
> 
> I'm gonna pull out my inner Bandit45 and suggest the next time she weasels you onto the phone, tell her you don't associate with lying, cheating, nasty, cun*s like her and hang up. Sometimes you just have to let out all the vulgar nastiness you can muster just to get your point across.


That’s too many words to waste on the *****.
Just tell her to **** off,then hang up.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Did she leave you alone today?

She is going to be even more lost with her parents moving


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** So, Kamstel you nailed it. When my inlaws left to move down to AZ my cell and home phone had numerous vmails and texts from my stbxw. The texts were "I feel so lost", "I feel so lonely", well suffice to say now she knew how I felt. In a nutshell, I have 46 days till my d day and I am looking forward to ending this part of my life. She still calls/texts asking to be friends, I am avoiding her at all costs. I do not want to rock any boats (the divorce or my mindset), I think I have hit the acceptance phase however I still get angry from time to time. I just want to be "out of sight, out of mind" till its done. To be unseen, not around, always busy...My daughter flies in next week, she is having a blast in Europe and enjoying ever piece of it. We (my daughter and I) have decided that when ever we talk about her mom my stbxw to refer to her as Bob...its too long a story to get into but it helps us both. I have a sneaky feeling my stbxw was trying to use my daughter to get my attention, luckily my daughters got my back and doesnt play into the games. I still have bad days, but they aren't as bad as they once were and have less frequently. The anger is around wasting my life with this woman, but alas can't change the past just focus on the future. I cannot wait till 9/5, I have been bottling the "I dont want to be fu*&ing friends with you""I dont want you in my life" statements. On 9/6, I plan on heading out of town...I dont know where yet, just to relax and focus on having on a good time....I need some space...LOL who would've guessed I would have said that before June. 

One thing - While playing the "nice guy" is detrimental to one self (I can speak from experience), it does have its benefits. I got what I wanted from the divorce, my state is non default and she could've really f*&ked me up financially. However, playing the nice guy is paying out for me...so far...all paper work is good to go, its just a waiting game now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where it leads I have no clue...but at least there is light!!!...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Bob-could it be because all she has left is her Battery Operated Boyfriend??

Sorry, my tent that bad humor

It’s completely fine to have a bad day. But I promise you the number of good days is going to continue to increase in the number of bad days is going to grow in frequent and the time between those bad days will increase

I love your plan to never be around, to never be seen, and always to be busy.

Have a great time seeing your daughter.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

irish925 said:


> ***Update*** So, Kamstel you nailed it. When my inlaws left to move down to AZ my cell and home phone had numerous vmails and texts from my stbxw. The texts were "I feel so lost", "I feel so lonely", well suffice to say now she knew how I felt. In a nutshell, I have 46 days till my d day and I am looking forward to ending this part of my life. She still calls/texts asking to be friends, I am avoiding her at all costs. I do not want to rock any boats (the divorce or my mindset), I think I have hit the acceptance phase however I still get angry from time to time. I just want to be "out of sight, out of mind" till its done. To be unseen, not around, always busy...My daughter flies in next week, she is having a blast in Europe and enjoying ever piece of it. We (my daughter and I) have decided that when ever we talk about her mom my stbxw to refer to her as Bob...its too long a story to get into but it helps us both. I have a sneaky feeling my stbxw was trying to use my daughter to get my attention, luckily my daughters got my back and doesnt play into the games. I still have bad days, but they aren't as bad as they once were and have less frequently. The anger is around wasting my life with this woman, but alas can't change the past just focus on the future. I cannot wait till 9/5, I have been bottling the "I dont want to be fu*&ing friends with you""I dont want you in my life" statements. On 9/6, I plan on heading out of town...I dont know where yet, just to relax and focus on having on a good time....I need some space...LOL who would've guessed I would have said that before June.
> 
> One thing - While playing the "nice guy" is detrimental to one self (I can speak from experience), it does have its benefits. I got what I wanted from the divorce, my state is non default and she could've really f*&ked me up financially. However, playing the nice guy is paying out for me...so far...all paper work is good to go, its just a waiting game now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, where it leads I have no clue...but at least there is light!!!...


Just out of curiosity... if she were to turn this around, how would that look?


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I think he knows that if he EVER took her back, either as just a friend or as a lover/wife, she would be f’ing some other guy 6 months later.

Was the OM really her cousin????? 
WTF????


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You don't want to upset anything, however, now aren't you just in a waiting game? You've done what you thought you must to get the deal you sought.

You say "I am avoiding her at all costs." ?????

But you read her shower of voice mails and texts that are stressful and counter-productive to the end you say you want. 

What am I missing?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Kamstel - Thanks, its nice to be "unavailable" all the time  And yes, the OM was cousin...truly a WTF moment...

ReturntoZero - Honestly, I dont know and frankly I really dont care. Too much BS to R IMHO, I thought about that back in June. You know what that looks like, sure the next 6 months would be a "honeymoon" BS phase. Now, lets look past that, every time I would go to store what would I be thinking she is doing? I am out in the yard doing hardwork, she's on the computer/phone...who's she talking to? I go to be early, she's online...who's she talking to? I would have to put up some boundaries (transparency) access to email, FB, phone...etc. I asked myself could I live with that?!?!? AT some point she would break one of those IMHO and I will be back to step #1 with MARC878 all over my a$$ telling me "You failed to listen...". I deserver better than that...she wouldnt be able to maintain that transparency IMHO...so, got to cut my losses...

Sunsetmist - What you are missing....hmm, how can I put this without sounding like a ****....well, I can't...in some weird ass way it stroking my ego or pride maybe to hear her pain...God knows I did everything I could from Jan-June and its nice (I know sounds like a ****) to hear it...

BTW - She leaving her hospital b/c and using her words back in JUNE - "its just a poisonous environment...and its only a matter of time before they find something to fire me so, better leave now..." She has worked there for +15 years and got numerous awards till 2017...when the EA...than PA stared...choices huh...or maybe karma...or maybe peeps dont like cheaters b/c I know people at her work knew what she was doing and...well, **** happens...

45 days to go till Dday...the light...its getting brighter...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> Kamstel - Thanks, its nice to be "unavailable" all the time  And yes, the OM was cousin...truly a WTF moment...
> 
> ReturntoZero - Honestly, I dont know and frankly I really dont care. Too much BS to R IMHO, I thought about that back in June. You know what that looks like, sure the next 6 months would be a "honeymoon" BS phase. Now, lets look past that, every time I would go to store what would I be thinking she is doing? I am out in the yard doing hardwork, she's on the computer/phone...who's she talking to? I go to be early, she's online...who's she talking to? I would have to put up some boundaries (transparency) access to email, FB, phone...etc. I asked myself could I live with that?!?!? *AT some point she would break one of those IMHO and I will be back to step #1 with MARC878 all over my a$$ telling me "You failed to listen...". I deserver better than that..*.she wouldnt be able to maintain that transparency IMHO...so, got to cut my losses...
> 
> ...


>>>>>>


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

And then there was 43!!!

The light at the end of YOUR tunnel that is getting brighter and bigger is a beautiful blue sky day light.

The light at the end of HER tunnel that is getting bigger and brighter is a freight train!!


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

What is the latest??

Has the poor little lost girl still knocking on your door begging for your attention??

So glad you got her to agree to everything on your terms. Was she still in fantasyland when she agreed


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hey Kamstel - My phone has been busy over the last few days, texting, calls...I am like WTF, now she wants to talk...um where were you from Jan/June?!?!...Yea, I know you dont need to tell me everyone!...

40 days || 8 Hours || 21 minutes to go, DDay is 9/5...but hey, who's counting...

Now that my daughter is home from Europe and my son flew in from his AF base things should be quieting down for me. She has a few other people to talk to now, so here I go again...out of sight...out of mind...

I told my kids I dont want to talk about "Bob", our nickname for her...my Iphone's voice recognition sucks so when I speak to text it hears Mom as Bob...my daughter said, "I like Bob instead  "

One a sick psychotic note - I really feel sorry for the next woman I have sex with, (no offense ladies - but its been a WHILE) she aint going to be walking right afterwards...

Peace all....will keep you posted


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Oh forgot to answer one question Kamstel - "Was she still in fantasyland when she agreed" - At that time yea, but when she broke it off and signed the PSA no...but she was...how shall I say this...shocked...so, f'it...my turn to take advantage of the situation...and I got the house, the car, no alimony, my stock, my 401k, my IRA...she could have hosed me b/c lets face it, guys get screwed in divorce preceding s, especially in my state...sorry ladies, its true IMHO and there are numerous men and facts that back that up. Yea, yea yea..."If you hired a "shark" lawyer maybe not" annnnnddddd....how much money does a shark lawyer cost?!?!?...

F'it, playing the nice guy is detrimental and hurts like a mofo (especially now that I want to tell her to f'off but can't b/c I dont want to rock the boat) but my inlaws love me - WIN, my kids love and RESPECT me - WIN, my family loves me - WIN...its come at a cost to my emotions, feelings, etc...however, in the end...as of right now...I am G-O-L-D-E-N!!!!....

BTW - All the kids will be at MY house for Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!, per my children, ALL OF THEM - Another win!


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Ooooh, poor thing! Maybe she can meet another man at her next family reunion



So happy for you Irish!!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** Approx. 35 days till Dday, things here have kicked up a notch! My daughter is the one most affected by this. She was over last night and expressed how she now feels, "marriage is BS", this hurt. My daughter put a top 5 things she wants to do w/ her life, Europe is now done from her list, the others include the usual. Get married, have kids, etc...Now, she's like an emotional shell. I tried not to bit, but couldn't hold back. I expressed to her that just b/c it didnt work out between her mom and I doesnt mean it wouldnt work out for her (and her current mate, they both want to get married but after all of this they hit the brakes on it). Now, this was a trigger I didn't even know I had, hate those freakin triggers...just as I thought I have identified all of them, one rears its ugly head. My STBXW stopped up to pick her up and my daughter was just balling. Of course, my STBXW had to start right in front of me "what's the matter"? My daughter just looked at her and said "nothing...". My STBXW asked me what was going on and i just couldn't hold back. I expressed your the f'ing problem, you ruined a family, blew off your ethics/morals for a f'ing feeling...hope your happy now". She started to say something and I just stone cold jackson her ass and said, "just leave, I dont want to hear your lies or any of your BS"...she promptly got into the car w/ our daughter and left...another WTF moment and side affects of divorce that blind sided my ass. NOW, I feel like $hit...why the hell should I feel like crap, she's the one who had the affair...she's the one who...well, f'it you know what I mean...

I feel for my daughter, my boys are smart...they distance themselves...they have dinner w/ my STBXW once a month...not even that much...my STBXW now wants to start a new life...more like seaman receptacle...they would have drove me nuts 4-5 months ago, but now...f'it...I thought after the divorce things would settle....seems I was wrong about that...my kids will be up on Thanksgiving and Christmas...thats per their input not mine...they told me its what they are used to...my STBXW, she will probably be down in AZ with her mom and dad...f'it, life sucks some times! Peace....


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

irish925 said:


> ***Update*** Approx. 35 days till Dday, things here have kicked up a notch! My daughter is the one most affected by this. She was over last night and expressed how she now feels, "marriage is BS", this hurt. My daughter put a top 5 things she wants to do w/ her life, Europe is now done from her list, the others include the usual. Get married, have kids, etc...Now, she's like an emotional shell. I tried not to bit, but couldn't hold back. I expressed to her that just b/c it didnt work out between her mom and I doesnt mean it wouldnt work out for her (and her current mate, they both want to get married but after all of this they hit the brakes on it). Now, this was a trigger I didn't even know I had, hate those freakin triggers...just as I thought I have identified all of them, one rears its ugly head. My STBXW stopped up to pick her up and my daughter was just balling. Of course, my STBXW had to start right in front of me "what's the matter"? My daughter just looked at her and said "nothing...". My STBXW asked me what was going on and i just couldn't hold back. I expressed your the f'ing problem, you ruined a family, blew off your ethics/morals for a f'ing feeling...hope your happy now". She started to say something and I just stone cold jackson her ass and said, "just leave, I dont want to hear your lies or any of your BS"...she promptly got into the car w/ our daughter and left...another WTF moment and side affects of divorce that blind sided my ass. NOW, I feel like $hit...why the hell should I feel like crap, she's the one who had the affair...she's the one who...well, f'it you know what I mean...
> 
> I feel for my daughter, my boys are smart...they distance themselves...they have dinner w/ my STBXW once a month...not even that much...my STBXW now wants to start a new life...more like seaman receptacle...they would have drove me nuts 4-5 months ago, but now...f'it...I thought after the divorce things would settle....seems I was wrong about that...my kids will be up on Thanksgiving and Christmas...thats per their input not mine...they told me its what they are used to...my STBXW, she will probably be down in AZ with her mom and dad...f'it, life sucks some times! Peace....


As far as things settling after the divorce, it's just going to take time man, it's still early for us. 

As far as feeling shi$$y for how you acted even though she is the one in the wrong? It's probably because you got pulled out of character and you didn't like that, that's not who you are. It's ok though, forget about it and move on. You can't dwell on that interaction. Just get back to being you, the best version you want to be.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Until you can discipline yourself to no contact all you're doing is keeping yourself in this.

It's a huge waste of time. All you're doing is showing and telling your STBXW that she still matters. Why? What's it getting you?

Nothing!!!!

Your kids are older. There is no reason for any engagement at all nor should you be letting her in your home!!!!

No contact is your only path if you want past this.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Marc878, my daughter was up at my house and I had no clue her mom was coming up till she was here, I would have drove her home if I knew that...my daughter said "sorry, dad I should have known better" but for her habits like this are hard to break FOR MY DAUGHTER. Now that we have gone through this, the later will be taken. So, don't be hard on my daughter, was an innocent mistake...I like you Marc878, you got good advice, and I have tried (and sometimes failed) to take it, this one was NOT my doing and my daughter wasn't being malicious...just hard to learn 180 for daddy, but not for her...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No it wasn't your daughters fault. This has nothing to do with her. She's young, got it.

You need to set boundaries with your STBXW. You don't ever enter her home and she doesn't enter yours.

Change the locks on your door. Doesn't cost that much. Explain the boundaries to your daughter and why. She'll get it. 

It's tough cutting contact after years together but it is your only way out.

How old is your daughter?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better yet put a no contact policy on paper for the X.

No shared holidays, no phone calls, no coming into each other hones, etc.

Make It civil/clinical. Keep your emotions out of it. Very matter of fact.

I'd say it's time for us both to move on and this is the best way. 

I'll become invisible to you and you'll do the same.

Make no mistake nc is up to you. It may seem awkward up front but how awkward was her having a boyfriend?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You want to get your life back on track? This is how you do it.

The other thing is no other woman you may have a relationship is going to want an X in the mix in any way.

Would you?


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If you need to meet a woman, get on Tinder

No more invitations to the wife!!!!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

MARC878 - I appreciate you recognizing that its not my daughters fault, she stopped by and said, "Dad, I'm sorry I forgot we talked before I left to Europe and didn't meant to make things worse. Next time, I will just tell mom that I will drive/ or get dropped off at her place. I forgot what happened on Fathers day...I love you, it won't happen again"...she cried and we hugged each other. I told her, its ok and don't worry I will sent your mom an email so this doesnt happen again". Sorry Marc878, I had to use some form of communication to let my STBXW she is NOT welcome at MY HOUSE. So, thanks for recognizing this was a mistake...

Kamstel, read above...she wasn't invited dude...my daughter just had a FIGMO moment...won't happen again...

And NO I won't be responding back to my STBXW on this matter in the future. The email has addressed the above issue and that no more communication will be followed up on...just a goof moment...but its not my daughters place to put my STBXW in her place! Enough said...

Thanks guys!!!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

FIGMO moment, OMG...meant SNAFU moment...my daughter just stopped by, seems my STBXW conveyed that "mom said she understood and it won't happen again"...now, its time for movie night...oh, my daughter is 28 years old, but seriously...she seems to have regressed to a 17-18 year old...at least around me...so, need to be strong for her and my boys...my STBXW spoke to my daughter...my daughter said, "I hurt your dads feelings, he's not upset at you...I just need to give him his space...weird issint it...I told your dad I needed space but things have switched..." I told my daughter thank you, but enough about Bob, lets watch GOT season 4 tonight...she feel asleep on the couch about an hour ago during episode 5, gonna let her just sleep...

My boys, they are fine b/c they put on boundaries...borders and limited access...so, they are getting through this...its my daughter thats having the hardest time...before all of this my STBXW and her were VERY close...so, my daughter is frazzled to say the least...she's in counseling...like her old man...OMG LOL...but she's moving forward...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just checking in on you. How are you doing? 

Quickly approaching “less than a month”. Hope you are staying “too busy”


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Out of sight, out of mind, no texts, phone calls or emails. 31 days and counting...

Question - There are 5 (basic) stages of divorce, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I have no idea whats up w/ me today, but I woke up w/ a knot in my stomach, I don't want to really hang out w/ anyone or see anyone. I feel anxious for some reason and I don't know why...I thought I would get some sense of relief, but it seems today is just a bad day. Any advice on how to get thru the bad days? When your emotions are all over the place...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Go to the gym or dive deep into a hobby!


Don’t worry about it. These days could happen even without the sh itshow


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Focus on something else. Anything

How about football?

Did you hear what happened at Jets practice yesterday?

There was a unknown white powder discovered. They delayed practice for over two hours while emergency response crews came and investigated it. It was discovered to be nothing. It was actually the goal line!

The resumed practiced when it was realized that it was unlikely that they would see it during the season.

Did his help?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

LMAO, yes it did...THANKS kAM...30 DAYS AND COUNTING...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. 
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. 
"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." 
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ****ing goofy!"


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

“Divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass but when it passes, its freedom from Pain”


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

irish925 said:


> Out of sight, out of mind, no texts, phone calls or emails. 31 days and counting...
> 
> Question - There are 5 (basic) stages of divorce, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I have no idea whats up w/ me today, but I woke up w/ a knot in my stomach, I don't want to really hang out w/ anyone or see anyone. I feel anxious for some reason and I don't know why...I thought I would get some sense of relief, but it seems today is just a bad day. Any advice on how to get thru the bad days? When your emotions are all over the place...


It may seem simple, but not easy.

If you don't want to see anyone, don't.

A huge part of this is not doing things you're not ok with.

Be true to yourself.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The good thing is you can leave the commode seat up now. It's those little things that mean a lot. >


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just checking in on you. How are you?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

25 days to go! I got good days and bad days, but the bad aren't half as bad as they once where so...there's progress. No emails, no texts, no phone calls (she called twice - no reply from yours truly). Just call me Casper the ghost...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** - 17 days and counting, my STBXW texted me to ask "how was your boating class, give me a call and tell me all about it". Yea, I dont think so biatch. I got a list of $hit that I am going to explode on her ass come 9/6, this will be the day after our divorce is finalized and I am waiting and playing the nicey nice game till that date. I plan on raining a WHOLE bunch of **** on her that day, and she will be totally unprepared for it...you know why...b/c I played the nice guy and I got the divorce deal I wanted...yes, it took a toll on me but now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...its not that bad...I plan on going for a walk with her, she won't know this is coming, and when I feel we are 1/2 way done with the walk, time to rain some $hit on her...here is my list, and ITS GOING TO FEEL SO ****ING GOOD!!!...oh yes btw, I NEED to do this for my reasons, call it closure...

Ok, here goes...
1 - You ruined a family based off a feeling
2 - You want to be treated with unconditional love, yet you give none in return
3 - You have damaged the image of marriage in regards to our children
4 - Our children view you as a vile, disgusting and not the trustworthy, transparent they knew
5 - You abused my trust in you
6 - You are a hypocrite, you say you are christian, yet you are having an affair
7 - You say we raised the kids christian like but they aren't treating you that way, SMH
8 - You ruined relationships w/ your mom and dad
9 - You lost your job due to others finding out you were prancing around w/ your OM
10 - You are weak, not the strong woman I fell in love with.
11 - You are a liar
12 - You are decietful
13 - The damage you put our kids through will take years to heal
14 - GET YOUR **** OUT OF STORAGE, I TOOK ALL YOUR **** OUT OF MY HOUSE AND PUT IT IN STORAGE, HERE'S THE ****ING KEY
15 - WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS, YOU ARE POISON TO ME
16 - YOu feel good about yourself? I can sleep at night, how do you sleep?
17 - I don't know how you LIVE with yourself, how do you wake up and say 
I'm a good person, really I am..."
18. This will be the last time I will voluntarily see each other. If by 
some miracles, say you fix your relationship with our kids, and we are at 
one of our future grandchild’s event, do NOT approach me, do not hug me, 
do not start a conversation, Hell, do not look at me. Stay across the room 
and consider me an unknown stranger, because that is certainly how I’m 
going to treat you
19. No one understands, including me and your parents, how you think incest 
is ok
20. Think of what you have done. What do you really think your kids think of you?
21. When you go back to your ****hole apartment, then go downstairs to the bar 
you will try to find comfort with other men, but they are going to treat you 
nothing more as a ****, and as you get older, you will continue to spiral downhill 
and only become more and more pathetic. You had everything and you threw it away 
to be with your cousin, and even that piece of **** threw your well used ass away!
22. Since I will not even go to your funeral, and we know your downward spiral 
will result in you going first, Good bye forever.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Harsh, but well earned. Hopefully it helps you with the closure you seek. 

She has a hell of a lot of nerve faking interest and wanting you to call and chit chat with her...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Good job!

As I’ve said before, the light at the end of the tunnel is getting bigger and brighter!! You are seeing the light of a new day.

FOR HER, the light at the end of tunnel that is getting bigger and brighter is a freight train


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***UPDATE*** Roughly 9 days till my divorce is final, got mixed emotions about the whole deal but I know my life will be better off going in this direction vs. the other way. Like I said, I got the deal I wanted, now I have my STBXW contacting me to pick up her remaining stuff and....get this "I won't close any doors, you know me when I end something I end it but with you I will not close the door on you. I want us to be friends and I understand if thats asking too much but its how I feel". Oh the joy of being lied to, I'm sorting of going to miss it...NOT....this has nothing to do w/ me and only serves her self serving psycho a55...all the words are shallow and superficial...I believe she says these things to feel good about herself...well, f'off lady...ain't happening...I dont know how someone could be a friend w/ their ex, espeially after they cheated on you!!!...its like "oh, you 5hittting on me and pissing in my mouth was all ok...yea, I want a friend like you...someone who lies, cheats, dishonest, disloyal...YEA...those are the friends for m"....I cannot wait to look her dead in her eyes and say "No, We cannot be friends - I cannot nor will I be friends with you. You need to take accountability for your actions. No biggy, you just lost me. Would you want to be friends if you were in my shoes. NO...so, don't ask me for something you wouldn't do yourself...

Seen this and thought it was spot on!!! - "If you’re okay with her after what she did to you, then presumably she can be okay with herself. Right? That would give you another fine reason not to be friends, if you needed one, since letting someone use you to dodge emotional consequences is a favor to neither of you. But you don’t need it; your convictions are more than enough."

As the date gets closer, why the f^%k am I stressing out? Why am I twitchy? Even a little anxiety setting in, seems I am bouncing from anger to acceptance...than depressed, back to happy as hell...than back to anger...WTF is up w/ me...No worries, I'm sure this will pass and I will get back to normal soon...hopefully sooner than later...8 months after discovery and here I sit...9 days till my divorce is final...well, one door shuts another door opens...


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You say you want to do this:
"d say "No, We cannot be friends - I cannot nor will I be friends with you. You need to take accountability for your actions. No biggy, you just lost me. Would you want to be friends if you were in my shoes. NO...so, don't ask me for somethig you wouldn't do yourself.."

I think you should actually add what you WANTED to say to your list of items on 9/6.

Say exactly this:

" f'off lady...ain't happening...I dont know how someone could be a friend w/ their ex, especially after they cheated on you!!!...its like "oh, you 5hittting on me and pissing in my mouth was all ok...yea, I want a friend like you...someone who lies, cheats, dishonest, disloyal...YEA...those are the friends for me"


----------



## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

You don’t have to explain to anyone why you don’t want to be their friend. You can just say “no” and walk away. That’ll probably get to her more than any rage-filled statement because it would show that you’re over her. But I understand the rage, I do.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

irish925 said:


> As the date gets closer, why the f^%k am I stressing out? Why am I twitchy? Even a little anxiety setting in, seems I am bouncing from anger to acceptance...than depressed, back to happy as hell...than back to anger...WTF is up w/ me...No worries, I'm sure this will pass and I will get back to normal soon...hopefully sooner than later...8 months after discovery and here I sit...9 days till my divorce is final...well, one door shuts another door opens...


Because you are human. Because this is not the outcome you wanted for your life, a decision that was pretty much made for you by someone else's actions. Because change is always difficult, even when we know its for the best. 

You may not feel like it, but actually you are doing great. :smile2:


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

[How the hell can I talk to my STBX is she's too guiit ridden to even talk to me?!?! ]

---You can't, you were fired from that job. Let someone else lead that circus.

You are a prime candidate for NC. Yes, it's a chore for those with children. But for heavens sake! You guys are in your 50s. She just got the taste of the greener pastures not being so green. And now she wants the golden parachute for her fragile ego. F-that! Let her parents and family away from yours to deal with this.

Again, she makes her bets, she places her choices.

As famously said by someone here..."Not your circus, not your monkeys." And as for the kids not talking and "helping" her...Tell her to ask them...Wait till she gets the ear full from them! Remember, it's not your job to be referee.

And lastly, DO NOT TAKE her walking, kayaking or clothes shopping...She quit her job on that and she doesn't get a do over! She crapped all over you with another man, then abandoned her family for another town. Oh well, life goes on and you do too.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

azimuth said:


> You don’t have to explain to anyone why you don’t want to be their friend. You can just say “no” and walk away. That’ll probably get to her more than any rage-filled statement because it would show that you’re over her. But I understand the rage, I do.


This exactly.....

When my cheating LTgf begged to get back together 8 months later.....or at least for us to be friends......my response was not loud and angry......it was VERY cold and brutal.....my anger had sorta blown out by that time, but has transformed into a deep and permanent contempt for her as a person.

Heard later from a mutual friend that she had a complete, blubbering meltdown a couple days later (with said friend)......

She could not believe how cold and uncaring I had become towards her......in her words,”It’s like he never loved me at all.” 

Cold and utter rejection hurts them more than angry rage IMO......they expect the anger, but counter-intuitively it also shows them that they still matter to you.

Treating them with icy contempt on the other hand shows them better than anything else that they are forever dead to you.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Silence is your answer. Unless you want to keep yourself in this ****.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Hope you are having a fantastic weekend!

Just keep moving straight ahead!!!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** Just a few more days to go...As for the friends answer, well the answer is a simple "no" and walk away...

More weirdness and BS...So, I went out w/ my daughter and one of my son's to teriyaki dinner. My daughter and son haven't seen each other in a while so it was nice to see them catch up. While at dinner their mom, my STBXW calls my daughter, my daughter didn't answer...we were at dinner...so, went to vmail. Afterwards, we all parted ways having a great meal and good conversation (proud of my daughter, usually when my STBXW calls it would change her mood completely), my son is hanging up at the house w/ me and my daughter went home to watch Big Brother (yea, i'm hooked on that show), I GUESS my daughter called my STBXW back and expressed that we had dinner and my son was staying up at "dad's house". So, weirdness incoming...my son gets a text...from guess who...STBXW...saying she heard we went out to dinner and he was in town but didnt reach out to her. She told him she is feeling ignored. NOW, my son was trying to handle this cool but I noticed a slight change in mood, I asked "whats up bud...?" He told me his mom texted him and told him shes feeling ignored. I asked him how he felt and how is he doing w/ our divorce and we talked for about an hour about it. I was proud of his response back to her, not mean just factual...well, after we talked his good mood returned, watch a movie and just chilled the rest of the night. One thing I told him is this, DO NOT give her the power to change what happens here via a text or phone call...I expressed that the text was IMHO a guilt trip, he agreed. I told him about boundaries and borders he may need to put up. Not to be a ****, but to protect his feelings/emotions and I said that..."Look, I don't want to interfere w/ your relationship but you have to look out for yourself. I know you love your mom but right now, she's not in a good place". He understood and agreed, I told him its up to you what ever you do and i will support you...it just pisses me off that w/ a phone call or a text she can change the kids moods in a instance...Hopefully by identifying this behavior we can nip it in the bud...now that we ALL know what to watch for...the 5hit I never thought about having to deal w/ when going thru a divorce...Her insecurities are REALLY showing IMHO...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** Ok, forgot to post this...I got an email from our attorney (using one attorney, mine via work) with the following text...

"When you are ready though I thought of a woman you might like to just go have fun with..."

Anyone ever get an email from an attorney like this?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** The attorney is a female...


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

irish925 said:


> ***Update*** The attorney is a female...


Is she speaking for herself?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

They will start coming out of the woodwork now. You had better detach ASAP. The fun is about to begin.

Start taking vitamins. NOW!!!!!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Is she speaking for herself?


See what you're missing out on?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

I have no clue who she is referring to, that's why I am asking you?  She sought of looks like a Raquel Welch in her 40's, nice italian babe.

Let's not look to deep into this Marc878, I dont know squat about what she's meaning...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are missing my point I think. 

You will be available soon. I know three pretty well who have went through this and were amazed at how many women were looking for a good man. 

Know what's coming at you.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

You had better detach ASAP. - What do you mean? Detach from what?
Start taking vitamins. NOW!!!!! - Which ones would you recommend?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> You had better detach ASAP. - What do you mean? Detach from what?
> 
> Complete your detachment from the STBXW. You've done well so far. Your kids are older so you can cut her off 100%.
> 
> ...


You aren't ready yet but I think you'll pleasantly find you will be a sought after commodity when you are. >


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

You aren't ready yet <-- Any advice on how to get there quicker?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> You aren't ready yet <-- Any advice on how to get there quicker?


You should be fully detached. Learn to live alone and be happy with that (there are benefits). This will make you a more complete and independent man. It's also an attractive trait. Women can smell the needy/clingy a mile off.

The danger of jumping in to soon is having a rebound relationship. You get a replay with a breakup.

Timing depends on the person. Everyone is different.

I would spend some time on things I never had the chance for while married, etc.

Go out with friends, family and enjoy your independent for awhile


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is also a good time to join a gym, get in great shape, adjust to a healthy diet.

If you haven't redo your wardrobe, buy some good quality cologne.

In other words remake yourself into what you want to be.

These things will also work wonders for your mindset.

Anyone can do it. Get started


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Agree 100%, I am not there yet and have been living alone for the last 9 months. I started doing new things last month, even got my boating license and going out on 9/15. I would have never done that while married, next are a few more fun stuff to do...don't laugh, but I'm going to cooking classes...I like to cook and to the Casinos a few weekends from now...just to branch out...I totally see the benefits of living alone, I got an extra draw, its called the dryer...and wtf do I need a hamper for when I got a washing machine...single life definitely got its perks...watch what I want went I want to, eat what I want when I want to, and the ultimate, I want to go out, when and where I want to go out to...this is bigger than I originally thought it was going to be...Been meeting up w/ old friends and making new friends along the way...its been 9 months since dday, 3 months since I filed...and just a week or so till I get my certificate of divorce...so, I am moving onward...

The funny thing about living alone and having some time to yourself, you have no choice but to look at the person you are...take a real soul searching look at who you...and ya know what, I like who I am and how I handled this whole situation.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> Agree 100%, I am not there yet and have been living alone for the last 9 months. I started doing new things last month, even got my boating license and going out on 9/15. I would have never done that while married, next are a few more fun stuff to do...*don't laugh, but I'm going to cooking classes*...
> 
> I did it. It's a good thing to learn. Anyone can do it
> 
> ...


I think most here would agree overall. Now keep moving forward. Don't look back. There's nothing there anymore.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** So, today 9/5 was "supposed" to be my divorce day...the paperwork is finished and my STBXW has schedule Friday to go in and sign. She has already reviewed and approved the final draft. Now, all that is needed is signatures (especially around the quick release form - notarized - for my house). The firm is in the court tomorrow so I have decided to go in after she signs. Once this is completed the paperwork gets submitted and I receive my certificate in 2-3 weeks. Tomorrow was going to be my release day for all the 5hit I have been dying to say (see previous page) but I am going to hold off until 9/14 Friday. I know I will be back to give more updates as that day approaches however i wanted to thank everyone here who has given their guidance. In the beginning I was a wreck, found out hope is a dangerous thing and learned a lot about myself in the process. Now, I am about to finish this part of the journey...I'm not going to lie, its kind of sad...however, life goes on and so must we all. I'm a lot better off than where I was and where she is now, I don't hate her...I am just indifferent to her...its weird, a woman I would have done anything for a few months ago, is now sounding like Edith Bunker via phone/text/email...I just don't care anymore like I used to...don't want to be around her...thanks all, will keep you posted!


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Bravo!!!!!

BRAVO!!!!!!


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

The cooking classes will pay HUGE DIVIDENDS in many ways as you move forward. Most women will appreciate a wonderfully thought out and prepared home cooked meal more than a restaurant meal. I am the cook in my LTR for the last 5 years. Detachment is the ability to put all the drama into a box, put it on a shelf and seldom if ever re-open that box.......a distant memory.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good luck tomorrow!!!!!


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

irish925 said:


> Out of sight, out of mind, no texts, phone calls or emails. 31 days and counting...
> 
> Question - There are 5 (basic) stages of divorce, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I have no idea whats up w/ me today, but I woke up w/ a knot in my stomach, I don't want to really hang out w/ anyone or see anyone. I feel anxious for some reason and I don't know why...I thought I would get some sense of relief, but it seems today is just a bad day. Any advice on how to get thru the bad days? When your emotions are all over the place...


Here is a link to read up on it a bit.
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

The order of the stages are logical but not locked in. 

They are not linear like the stops along a passenger railway.

Most likely you will bounce between them a bit, may spend more time on this or that one.

Whatever it takes for your brain to process it, to make enough scar tissue to make you functional again, so to speak.

There may always be some "stiffness" that you will have to manage.

That's what makes infidelity so horrendous, the damage is real.

I really wish you well, good luck in court.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

How'd it go?


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** ALL PAPERWORK IS SIGNED, SEALED AND DELIVERED!!!...now, per my/our attorney I just have to wait 2-3 weeks and I should receive my certificate of divorce. I DID IT!!!!!!!!.........it was a biaaatch!!!...but, its done. Man, life comes at you fast! LOL. So, the house is pretty empty...no pictures on my walls...no flowers around...the basic BS that makes a home a home...I yell, yep echo....but its MY echo...mine!!!...I still cannot believe I got the house!...I still cannot believe I got the agreement I wanted!!!...Wow, its mine!!!...my 401k, my RSUs (stock), my IRA's, my Savings...I got it...still in shock but she agreed to all...guess she wasn't kidding when she said she didn't want this to hurt...well, at least she told the truth one time during this...but I'll take it!!!!....

I am not going to lie, I am a little bummed out. I just finished up dinner w/ my daughter and came home to an empty house...I got my animals and stuff, but its not the same. I'm looking at the calendar and thinking, "this time last year she was having an affair and I had no ****ing clue!". I have a "closure" meeting scheduled for this Sunday Sept 16th, she expressed to me via email that she feels I deserve some answers and you bet your ass I agreed! I got some answers for her too...

For all those guys wishing and praying that their wives give them another chance or to reconcile when she cheated on you, I want you to ask yourself a few things that made my decision easier.
1 - Can you REALLY trust her again? - Sure, maybe the next 6-9 months is a honeymoon phase, but what about in 5-7 years? Your outside mowing the lawn, she's on the phone - who is she talking to? You go to the store, she's at home - What is she doing? You go to bed early one night, she's out on the computer - who is she talking to? FORGETABOUTIT!!!
2 - Do you really want this (cheated on you) nagging at you your entire life? - I know I would probably think about it less as time went on, however I would STILL be thinking about it!
3 - Do you really want to give another person SO much power over you? - Think about that one for a second, let it sink in. If you don't understand you haven't recovered fully yet, if you have than you do
4 - Is she really THE ONE? - Again, think about that for a second, are you telling me there is not another woman on this planet BETTER than her?
5 - Where you emasculated during this process? - Again, think about it. Can you put the dogs nuts back on him after you neutered him? Why give ANY women that ability to do that to you again!

Look, I didn't want this...I didn't ask for this...and I sure as **** didn't deserve this...but life happens...forget the hate...forget the revenge...forget all the negativity...my heart is bleeding right now, but its bleeding for all the right reasons...not the wrong ones...I bleed for the damage done to my children/family...holidays will never be the same..I bleed for my in-laws who have been humiliated by her and very supportive to me...but most importantly, I bleed for myself...I KNOW who I am...I KNOW what type of guy I am...I KNOW I like who I am...I KNOW I can look myself in the mirror w/ pride and dignity...my actions proved that...

To all those who have helped me on this journey, thank you! If you wouldn't mind sending some prayers...if thats not your gig...than good vibes...MY WAY...I would appreciate it!!!!...THANK YOU ALL!!!!...#MGTOW


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just remember you will be fine.

Doesn't mean it won't sting but you are extremely lucky to get out of this and be financially sound.

Don't look back there's nothing there now.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Awesome update, congrats!!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***UPDATE*** Well, its official, got my certificate of divorce and its a done deal. Kind of mixed emotions, not for my ex (love not saying STBXW anymore) but for my family. Holidays will never be the same, however that doesn't mean they won't be better!!! It sucks that you have to go thru some "anniversaries" around divorce. For ex. this time last year I thought my life was perfect, all was well w/ the world never realizing my ex was banging her cousin during this time. The one trigger...anniversary...that is sought of nagging at me will be new years eve/new years day. You see, my discovery day was literally during the end of year countdown. While others were enjoying the 10-9-8-7-6 etc...I was looking at FB and realizing my ex had been lying to me and the family for the past 6 months. It was a ****ed up new years eve/day for me, when she got home from work (she worked nightshift at the hospital and got home a 12:37AM) I didn't wait to gather any additional info. I captured everything via FB post/messages and put it in an email to her right before she got home. As soon as she got home, she asks "whats the matter..." I pointed directly at a POS necklace her cousin "made" for her (seriously, looked like a kindergarten project gone bad) and said, "THATS THE ****ING PROBLEM...GO READ YOUR ****ING EMAIL..." Less than 8 hours later (we talked until 4AM, than I kicked her ass right out of the house, told her to pack her **** and GTFO), I forwarded the email to my MIL and she took care of the rest...the entire family knew what happened before 11AM on new years day. I didn't ****ing hesitate to OUT her and his ass. Was the most ****ed up new years day ever...and 2018 kept on going down hill from there!!. I originally gave her 1 year to "figure your **** out", but she kept the affair going, throwing it in my and our family's face, and I filed 6 months later (would have filed earlier but FIL had heart attack and had to hold off till he was settled down, that would have been in March). But now its done!!!!...

I still have a meeting w/ her in the future to talk about somethings, this is for me not her she doesn't know it but this meeting is for me to get some **** off my chest and closure (she thinks its a closure meeting and wants to talk about our relationship for future events and talking to the kids...phhhst...yea right!). I played this to a "T", even when some of the board were saying "don't play the pick me dance...or...don't nice you way back to this woman...". I wasn't, nor was a playing the PLAN B / Safety net dance, I played it to win from a divorce perspective...and I won!!!!!!!!!!...check it...I got the house, my 401k, my rsu's (stock) my IRA's and she kept her stuff...thats it!!! I agree, this was totally detrimental to me, worst 9 months ever! I had to play the nicey nice guy who is doing everything right and she was the HO that was doing everything wrong. My relations w/ my in laws was awesome and still is...they are happy I got the settlement I got...I guess my ex told the truth about ONE thing per her "I didn't want this to hurt you, I hurt you enough..." Well, ****ing A...I WON!!!....now...NOW its time to get some **** off my chest that I have been dying to tell her. See list on previous posts and YES I am going forward with it. I NOW HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!!!!... I had to move fast, b/c I didn't want her "waking up" till it was done, well to bad so sad...its DONE!!!....

To all those out there that gave advice, THANK YOU!!!...a lot of you warned me that I was playing w/ fire by playing this way...however, you get to know a person after 20 years of marriage...and I played on her emotions...her personal life is ****ed - relations w/ her Mom, Dad is ****ed/strained to say the least, her relationships w/ the kids will take years if not decades to heal (while I am out enjoying life!!!), her professional career...is ****ED...she was an RN in the ED at a hospital for 15 years - won numerous awards, promoted to management...well, she was lucky to get out of there without getting fired...people DONT LIKE CHEATERS and some in the ED knew what she was doing and went after her ass (its surprising to find out how many people get cheated on, but also how karma comes around - ladies in the ED didn't like that - some of them were cheated on in the past and...well...they let her have it). She was lucky to get out of there BEFORE they fired her! B/c thats exactly what they were going to do. Now she's nursing doing tummy tucks at a clinic...LMFAO...During one of my convo's w/ my ex she mentioned how the ED was "poisonous", I kept my mouth shut (even though I had an idea what was going on) and just said "thats crazy...". Yep, what a nice guy huh...I played this to my detriment...I wouldn't recommend it for all...you have to know the game and your enemy to win...I knew both...and WON!!!...however the emotional and psychological scars left hurt like a mother ****er!!! But, I am sitting back in MY house watching a game and having a bud...TRUE ..TRUE...and counseling, family and friends will help me heal my wounds.

To all those out there who are struggling to accept the advice from members of the board may I just say - TAKE IT!!!...even though its not what you want to hear, its what you NEED to hear...I am so grateful to all on this board who helped me over this. My journey/struggle is beginning, one chapter is closed, another is just now opening...its scary and awesome at the same time. Sure, having 18 acres and in a 2400 sq ft home gets lonely...but the latter...and the **** I would have to deal w/ in regards to any reconciliation would have been FAR WORSE. I guess some things you can't come back from, for my ex this was one of them. Now all I am to her is shame, its hard for her to see me (per my daughter) knowing all the **** she put me through. She says she loves me and wants me in her life and can we be friends...you guys know the answer to that right!!!!!!!!....**** NO!!!!!!!!!!!! CYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So, whats up next...guess i will be snorting lines off of hookers ass's and banging some young chicks for a while...j/k...than again maybe not!!! LMFAO...but its MY life. 

I will have ONE more update after my meeting w/ my ex to tell you how it went, other than that...put a bow on it b/c its done!!!...much love and peace to you all!!!!!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Now you need to detach. Go your own way. It will dissipate a lot faster that way.

If not you'll just be giving her head space that she doesn't deserve.

Good luck man


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Awesomeness me update! I am glad you’re u are on the road to healing. It’s hard to see someone endur this kind of pain, but nice to see them get out of it. 
Your life is headed in the right direction for sure.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Thanks Evinrude58

Marc878 - I hear you man, this is something I just got to do...thanks for the luck!


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

irish925 said:


> ***UPDATE*** Well, its official, got my certificate of divorce and its a done deal. Kind of mixed emotions, not for my ex (love not saying STBXW anymore) but for my family. Holidays will never be the same, however that doesn't mean they won't be better!!! It sucks that you have to go thru some "anniversaries" around divorce. For ex. this time last year I thought my life was perfect, all was well w/ the world never realizing my ex was banging her cousin during this time. The one trigger...anniversary...that is sought of nagging at me will be new years eve/new years day. You see, my discovery day was literally during the end of year countdown. While others were enjoying the 10-9-8-7-6 etc...I was looking at FB and realizing my ex had been lying to me and the family for the past 6 months. It was a ****ed up new years eve/day for me, when she got home from work (she worked nightshift at the hospital and got home a 12:37AM) I didn't wait to gather any additional info. I captured everything via FB post/messages and put it in an email to her right before she got home. As soon as she got home, she asks "whats the matter..." I pointed directly at a POS necklace her cousin "made" for her (seriously, looked like a kindergarten project gone bad) and said, "THATS THE ****ING PROBLEM...GO READ YOUR ****ING EMAIL..." Less than 8 hours later (we talked until 4AM, than I kicked her ass right out of the house, told her to pack her **** and GTFO), I forwarded the email to my MIL and she took care of the rest...the entire family knew what happened before 11AM on new years day. I didn't ****ing hesitate to OUT her and his ass. Was the most ****ed up new years day ever...and 2018 kept on going down hill from there!!. I originally gave her 1 year to "figure your **** out", but she kept the affair going, throwing it in my and our family's face, and I filed 6 months later (would have filed earlier but FIL had heart attack and had to hold off till he was settled down, that would have been in March). But now its done!!!!...
> 
> I still have a meeting w/ her in the future to talk about somethings, this is for me not her she doesn't know it but this meeting is for me to get some **** off my chest and closure (she thinks its a closure meeting and wants to talk about our relationship for future events and talking to the kids...phhhst...yea right!). I played this to a "T", even when some of the board were saying "don't play the pick me dance...or...don't nice you way back to this woman...". I wasn't, nor was a playing the PLAN B / Safety net dance, I played it to win from a divorce perspective...and I won!!!!!!!!!!...check it...I got the house, my 401k, my rsu's (stock) my IRA's and she kept her stuff...thats it!!! I agree, this was totally detrimental to me, worst 9 months ever! I had to play the nicey nice guy who is doing everything right and she was the HO that was doing everything wrong. My relations w/ my in laws was awesome and still is...they are happy I got the settlement I got...I guess my ex told the truth about ONE thing per her "I didn't want this to hurt you, I hurt you enough..." Well, ****ing A...I WON!!!....now...NOW its time to get some **** off my chest that I have been dying to tell her. See list on previous posts and YES I am going forward with it. I NOW HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!!!!... I had to move fast, b/c I didn't want her "waking up" till it was done, well to bad so sad...its DONE!!!....
> 
> ...


It's truly sad when prostitutes offer you as much connection as your wife.

At least they are up front about what they want.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just wanted to say that you should be admired for the way you handled this. You got it done.
You didn’t wallow in self pity.
You didn’t let her steal your dignity.

You dealt with her fairly, and in a respectful tail manner—although she totally disrespected you.

It’s weird how she seemed to think she could utterly betray you, give herself to another, turn her back on you—- and expect friendship in return!!!!

I hope you are ready. I sense your STBXW will be wanting you to forgive and forget and give her another shot at you. Very soon.

They rarely come back. But since you handled this like a man and she clearly is not pleased how things turned out..... she will likely be wanting to climb back into the nest that made her feel safe enough that she would be able to cheat and still have a husband.

I sense a distinct possibility that you’re going to get lots of begging and pleading.
Be prepared.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***FINAL UPDATE*** - ***Update*** - Well, had the conversation - just ended a few minutes ago. You are NOT going to believe this, she is STILL continuing w/ her affair w/ her OM...aka cousin. I said, "good, wish you nothing but the best" (in my head, I was like you sic*king individual). So, she conveyed so that she loved me and was sorry all this happened. She just needs to follow her heart, guess if he jumped off the Brooklyn bridge her a55 is going right behind her. I expressed to her that I understand she needs to follow her heart, just didn't see that in our marriage vows (her face, priceless - no response). We called each of the kids and told them our divorce was final and if they had any questions just let us know. I told her the kids wanted me to divorce you, so no sweat from me she conveyed that she doesn't "want to make this an issue between us. I am hoping we can work thru this and remain best friends." YEA, someone forgot to take their meds. I started to get a little pissed off at this point, I sat her down and said, I need to tell you something...Then...THEN...the list hit the fan...
1 - You ruined a family based off a feeling (which is now your current boyfriend/cousin....boy family reunions are going to be fun huh?!)
2 - You want to be treated with unconditional love, yet you give none in return
3 - You have damaged the image of marriage in regards to our children
4 - "I dont want the kids to have to choose, I am hoping we can be in the same room amicably, ME - should have thought of that before you f*&ked your cousin...or boyfriend....which is it btw?!?!) Our children view you as not the Untrustworthy, DISHONEST AND DISLOYAL
5 - You abused my trust in you - Oh, she was crying at this point
6 - You are a hypocrite, you say you are christian, yet you are having an affair
7 - You say we raised the kids christian like but they aren't treating you that way, SMH
8 - You ruined relationships w/ your mom and dad
9 - You lost your job due to others finding out you were prancing around w/ your OM
10 - You are weak
11 - You are a liar
12 - You are deceitful
13 - The damage you put our kids through will take years to heal
14 - GET YOUR **** OUT OF MY HOUSE - Its all out NOW!!!!
15 - WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS, YOU ARE POISON TO ME
16 - You feel good about yourself? I can sleep at night, how do you sleep? - "I work a lot..."
17 - I don't know how you LIVE with yourself - "I do the best I can, I am not perfect"
18. Think of what you have done. What do you really think your kids think of you? - "I'll make it up to them. I need to make it up to you. = ME "Just stay the f(*k away from me!
19. Why didn't you go to counseling? - "I need to figure this out for myself"
20. You are NOT invited to any gathering where I will be attendance. The kids will have to juggle the logistics, not my circus not my monkey.
I am more pissed at this than I was when i started, I figured I would get the answers and that would be that...unfortunately, I HAD more questions, but when her cousin called in the middle of our convo/ and she punted him to vmail all my questions we answered. Per her comments, " I NEVER reached out to him, I knew he was on fb but I never reached out. Even when my mom asked me to reach out to him while he was in the hospital I knew this could go very wrong....and it did. For that I am truly sorry. Please forgive me." Me - You are nor worth it to me to hate you, I hate the things YOU have done/doing but thats on you. As far as I am concerned, if you were on fire right now...I wouldn't piss on you...(sorry ladies, but this just came out...). She said again, IM SO SORRY....me - NO REPLY...just went inside and ended the convo. How do i feel now, I feel ok...still a little pissed b/c of all the 5hit that was brought up. I told her to keep him far...FAR away from me or I will "Rick" his a55 (see Rick and Morty for definition on that one). So, was it worth it...yea...YES it was for me and her. Right now, just numb...with a side of very pissed off. Still trying to get a handle on why I am so pissed, I should be happy but...somethings nagging at me. I'll figure it out...well there you go sportsfans!!! ITS OVER COMPLETELY...Now, whats up w/ me...well, I'm going to regroup/rebuild and move forward. There are SO many better woman out there...that I have wasted enough time on her! I am just done w/ it all...guess, I am going to move. I'll be selling the house in the spring of next year and moving out of state. She says is "their" goal to live under one roof" - I was like good...good...let me know how that works for you. NOT....just need to completely rebuild my life, so that's what I am going to do...never looking back, only looking ahead. She even brought up the holidays..."You are NOT invited, if the kids have to choose than thats on you...NOT ME...I do not want to see you...be around you...you disgust me...I am done w/ you...so, no on the holidays...CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE EVEN ASKED...WTF!?!?!?!?...

Well, looking to branch out...so any online dating sites I should know about...  
Much love everyone!!!


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have done well. Proud of you. You will have ups and downs--let us know.

Talk more about moving--do some bucket list things you've always wanted to do.

Expect a 'let-down' over the next week or so--is normal.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> ***FINAL UPDATE*** - ***Update*** - Well, had the conversation - just ended a few minutes ago. You are NOT going to believe this, she is STILL continuing w/ her affair w/ her OM...aka cousin. I said, "good, wish you nothing but the best" (in my head, I was like you sic*king individual).
> 
> The only good thing is you got off pretty good financially. It helped with her having her head up her ass
> 
> ...


You are not ready to date yet. You should make it a priority to block her on everything. It's all done your kids are older. There is no need to contact her for anything now. If you don't you'll just cause yourself more pain and wallow in this. 

She put you in this mess but it is up to you to get yourself out of it. Complete, total hard no contact.

You've had your say now finish it.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Make no mistake. Time and zero contact is you're only path.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Many talk about no contact but have trouble applying it. 

Don't be a talker. Be a doer.

You'll understand if you get there


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Doer...forget that...consider it DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!.....no more BS...I'm done w/ this ****...

She's a POS and I want nothing to do w/ her...may she catch a STD from her cousin and may they BOTH BE MISERABLE...

I'm done...Marc878, trust me....I'm done...thanks for the advice...yep, not ready for dating...but flirting...it helps and I will continue to sharpen my skillz till I m ready...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

When she crashes and burns, and she will crash and burn in a HUGE way, it is NONE OF YOUR CONCERN NOR BUSINESS!!!!


She made her bed....


You handled this entire situation like a a boss. LIKE A BOSS!!!!


Now get you @ss to Vegas or Georgia!!!

And go visit your former in laws!!!


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

irish925 said:


> Per her comments, " I NEVER reached out to him, I knew he was on fb but I never reached out. Even when my mom asked me to reach out to him while he was in the hospital I knew this could go very wrong....and it did.


This is similar to @AkaHantei thread where the MIL pushed them together, neither really meant to destroy their grandchildren's family.

Boy oh boy, she takes NO blame at all, "I knew this could go very wrong....and it did.", UFB.

Irish you handled it like a boss!

If she were my Mom I could not imaging EVER going to the house they end up sharing together, let alone seeing Uncle Bob.

Btw, if they are interested I know someone who is selling a trailer here in Kentucky.

I am sure your last conversation was a letdown, but that is a good thing, you can't live there.

Living well is the best revenge! All the best!


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This.

While I understand that you need to celebrate your victories, it is clear that you are nowhere near indifference.


Marc878 said:


> Now you need to detach. Go your own way. It will dissipate a lot faster that way.
> 
> If not you'll just be giving her head space that she doesn't deserve.
> 
> Good luck man


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This.

All that you've shown her through your actions is that you still care.

Do you know when it really hits home with waywards? When you care so little for who they are that you can't even get angry with them anymore.

When you feel pity without anger, you will be where you need to be.


Marc878 said:


> You are not ready to date yet. You should make it a priority to block her on everything. It's all done your kids are older. There is no need to contact her for anything now. If you don't you'll just cause yourself more pain and wallow in this.
> 
> She put you in this mess but it is up to you to get yourself out of it. Complete, total hard no contact.
> 
> You've had your say now finish it.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Everything she's experiencing she brought on herself. You are not responsible for her affair and you are not responsible for her current pain.
She destroyed your marriage so it's important for your mental health to bury it (divorce). 

Tell her if she signs the papers you two can still be friends and maybe start over/date after the divorce is final.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

irish925 said:


> ***FINAL UPDATE*** - ***Update*** - Well, had the conversation - just ended a few minutes ago. You are NOT going to believe this, she is STILL continuing w/ her affair w/ her OM...aka cousin. I said, "good, wish you nothing but the best" (in my head, I was like you sic*king individual). So, she conveyed so that she loved me and was sorry all this happened. She just needs to follow her heart, guess if he jumped off the Brooklyn bridge her a55 is going right behind her. I expressed to her that I understand she needs to follow her heart, just didn't see that in our marriage vows (her face, priceless - no response). We called each of the kids and told them our divorce was final and if they had any questions just let us know. I told her the kids wanted me to divorce you, so no sweat from me she conveyed that she doesn't "want to make this an issue between us. I am hoping we can work thru this and remain best friends." YEA, someone forgot to take their meds. I started to get a little pissed off at this point, I sat her down and said, I need to tell you something...Then...THEN...the list hit the fan...
> 1 - You ruined a family based off a feeling (which is now your current boyfriend/cousin....boy family reunions are going to be fun huh?!)
> 2 - You want to be treated with unconditional love, yet you give none in return
> 3 - You have damaged the image of marriage in regards to our children
> ...


Moving forward from this point is going to take time and may be difficult. I had/still have the same passionate emotions even 5 years after my divorce. Still can't seem to totally close the book on the emotions. I have been in a very nice relationship for those same 5 years and have been in the moment with the new woman to the best of my ability but still have the feelings of hate and vengeance for my ex. I have never seen or spoken to her since she decided to split and I vow that we never will. Perhaps you will have better luck moving forward than I am having. If you figure it out let me know........


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I’d advise you to cut any and all contact with your ex, lest your vitriol prompts her to re-evaluate the terms of your divorce.

I get that you’re still raw about everything that went down, but compared to the overwhelming majority of guys, you made out like a bandit in terms of holding onto your home, assets, etc, and are therefore in a much better position to rebuilt your life.

Don’t jeopardize that.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> I’d advise you to cut any and all contact with your ex, lest your vitriol prompts her to re-evaluate the terms of your divorce.
> 
> I get that you’re still raw about everything that went down, but compared to the overwhelming majority of guys, you made out like a bandit in terms of holding onto your home, assets, etc, and are therefore in a much better position to rebuilt your life.
> 
> Don’t jeopardize that.


I am not sure that there is anything she can do about it. It is final, all the kids are grown.

I guess she could try, but at this point, it would be a super long shot for her to get any more out of him...


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> I am not sure that there is anything she can do about it. It is final, all the kids are grown.
> 
> I guess she could try, but at this point, it would be a super long shot for her to get any more out of him...


Either way, it’s best to simply leave her be, correct?

Long shot, short shot, no shot — whatever — she could still _try, which would likely have OP back in front of a judge.

And she’ll be all the more likely to do it once her relationship with “cousOM” implodes — if she were ever going to ramp up the blameshifting, it will be then, and all the rage-dumping he’s been doing will make it ever easier to justify on the ol’ hamster wheel.

And because the terms of the divorce were so one-sided, she may be able to claim duress.

Read through @honcho’s thread to see what I’m talking about (in terms of continued attempts to bleed an ex dry)._


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you can't fix stupid - Rod "tater" White


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Thanks everyone, just answering some feedback on this on...

Marc878 - Thanks, you know where I am heading...FORWARD...not backwards, forward...dead...done...next!

Decorum - LMFAO, they are actually from Louisville KY...can't make this 5hit up...thanks for the advice, blame game is coming...but I won't be there...w/ holidays around the corner, not my problem anymore. I'll be celebrating them WITH MY KIDS!!!...all of them confirmed they will be at MY house for the holidays!!! COMMENT - You know, I used to get bummed out about "the family holidays will never be the same..." and ya know what, its true...THEY ARE GOING TO BE F*&KING BETTER! Trust in that...

Farsidejunky - Its not so much pity for her, but for the kids. However, i hear ya and thats where I am going...where I just dont give a 5hit about anything she has going on in her world. NOT my circus, not my monkey...guess I am going for indifference...

Robert22205 - Paperwork has already been signed, got my certificate of divorce the other day. Start over...WTF...no way dude...I'm done. Will not be friends w/ this type of human. That doesnt mean I am her enemy, it just means I no longer exist when it comes to her...out of sight...out of mind...out of my / her life...done..done....done...

Betrayedone - Totally get it, I think I have already figured it out. To hate, takes up to much energy and whats the point really...any actions around vengeance IMHO is stupid and makes you look desperate and uncool. I am moving onward, forgiveness is the key for me. I dont hate her, I just hate what she is/has done...and leave it at that...she is messed up...I think you would agree w/ that statement and so thats where I hang my hat. She just lost it...now is lost...and its all on her. Thanks for the info...

GusPolinski - Totally understand this meeting was for us to clear the air and get some stuff off our chests. The divorce is final, she doenst want to challenge it she understood this meeting would get heated and it did but now its time to bury it and be done w/ it. Thank you...YES, I did make out like a bandit...at least she was honest about ONE thing "I hurt you enough, I dont want this to hurt you too..." BAZZINGA...thats when i knew it was time to hit while the iron was hot. She agreed to all terms and signed just like I did and it was done. Appreciate your guidance and assistance!!!...LMAO...challenge the divorce...wouldn't be good for her...trust me...and YES...its best to just leave her...leave the sleeping dog lie...OH ONE THING...ONLY ONE rage dump...thats it...I rage dump here in the past but I played nicey nice guy remember...so, now that I got that off my chest...I feel better and moving on w/ my life...w/o her a55 in it...its a beautiful world!!!!

BluesPower - Thanks bud, I really appreciate your support during all of this...don't worry about her challenging the decree...our (my) attorney had her sign additional paperwork around challenges...aka...there will be NO CHALLENGE to the decree...and added bonus put in by the attorney...  Its best to go for the throat and end it quickly...the fog is your friend in matters such as these...  

Lostinthought61 - More like "You can't fix psychotic"...but yep...can't fix stupid either...

Well, I feel better today. The suns out...sitting in MY house...relaxing...nothing like having 18 acres and 2400 sq ft home to chill in...LMFAO...if nice guys finish last, then how did I end up here!  Its been a wild ride people but, its over. Now, where to begin.................................................


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Go out with a woman, not necessarily on a “date” this weekend. Just go out as friends. 

His will just be your first baby step in your return to the dating world. And if something just happens to happen, ah well, it’s all good!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Funny you should say that Kamstel...and Kamstel THANK YOU for all your guidance and support...I got a call from a "friend" to go out this Friday...so, will see where this goes...


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

irish925 said:


> Thanks everyone, just answering some feedback on this on...
> 
> Marc878 - Thanks, you know where I am heading...FORWARD...not backwards, forward...dead...done...next!
> 
> ...


I nominate this post as the BEST I have ever read in my time here. CLASS ACT for answering personally to everyone that has tried to help you. TOTAL focus and clarity of mind you possess......Way to go dude. You have truly popped out into the light on the other side. A true success story.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You were a fake nice guy. Huge difference.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

No, now Marc878 I have the scars to prove I wasn't a "fake" nice guy. I actually played the role, I didn't beg, I didn't mass call, limited texting/email, played the safety dance but it was all real. Now, by me doing this did I have ulterior motives? Well, yes...I knew if I played this true to myself and my beliefs I was winning either way. Did I know that if I played it this way, family, friends, etc. go my way...yes. Did it suck a55? YES, remember Marc878 you screaming at me when I used to meet her for walks and other meetups? Yes you do...  That was real, b/c it hurt like a SOB! So, no "fake" nice guy...maybe..."Ulterior Motives Nice Guy" UMNG. Its a path paved w/ heartache and pain, but if played successfully...much reward! Also helps w/ moving on...I don't have to waste time rebuilding or fixing relationships w/ my fam...ex does...I don't have to work on rebuilding relationships w/ our kids, ex does...I dont have to waste time finding a new place to live, ex does...so, I got a lot of time to rebuild and focus on MYSELF...ex doesn't... 

Peace from
UMNG


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Glad it worked out so well for you. It's a rarity.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Update*** - Hello All, just wanted to send a quick update on my status and where I am at in life after divorce. Where to begin, well with the divorce final in September the holidays came up REAL fast. After the divorce I still had the good/bad days but it wasn't the same. It wasn't as bad, the triggers came around the holidays and thanks to guidance from Marc878 (gave me heads up on numerous times triggers would be present) and Kamstel (who encouraged me as time went on...) they weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be...For example, Halloween went off without a hitch for me, can't say for my ex (typical BS drama), I was at my daughter classroom watching her class perform a Halloween pageant, it was awesome! Heard from each of the kids that day and it just made my day all around. As October jetted by November flew in and Thanksgiving was right around the corner. I am going to add some side comments about ex give some perspective. Marc878 and others are ALL CORRECT around going HARDCORE NO CONTACT.

***Please for those reading, listen to that advice...going NC is sometimes the last string to cut before you can heal and move on...even though it may hurt, its for your own good so trust in the advice of other board members***

So, as I was saying October flew by my life was starting to get more busy around THINGS I WANTED TO DO...I too was once like other BS on this site and built my life around my SO...that is NOT a mistake, the only mistake is maybe you/we built it around the wrong one...and one other things, NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY...its ok to mourn the loss...seriously, its ok to say this is f'd up...just don't stay there...do your time, but remember you did no crime so don't stay there...grieve, but remember to move on for yourself...Now, the ex in October...her life, was more drama and BS...her mom and dad went off on her for some 5hit...her brother got mad at her for trying to do some other BS...so, her life in Oct...not so good...remember Betrayed Spouses - BS...Mind, Body and Soul game...get those straight and FOCUS ON YOURSELF...and you will be golden...MIND...BODY....SOUL...feed them all each and every day and you will get thru this...now, onto November...and the 5hit gets crazier...

November comes on I have all the inlaws at my place including my daughter and son (my other 2 son's are out of state - one in service, other in school and couldn't make it back)...it was an awesome Thanksgiving...I had the entire family at my house...now ex...well, she thought it would be a good idea to introduce her cousin...aka OM to our daughter...big...BIG mistake...my daughter said NO...and it created a 5hit storm for the ex...my son's hopped all over my daughter for even thinking of meeting him but that was a misunderstanding...anyways, all got worked out...well for ME...LOL...remember, stay true to yourself...don't use the kids as chess pieces and yes you are going to get pissed off and thats ok, just realize while you are pissed you cannot control anyone but yourself...be the better person by staying out of the bat 5hit craziness that is fast becoming my ex's world!!!....so, November and Thanksgiving went off great...sure we had some bumps...just remember EVERYONE has to get used to the new normal...including your kids so be patient...and when you feel its too much...step away and go for a walk or listen to some music...take a moment to gather yourself and not to let it change your mood...just roll w/ it...so, November ended very well for ME...ex, not so much...now our kids are pissed at her, my daughters upset w/ her....her parents, OMG forget about it...her brother and her were on speaking terms and her professional life is getting 5hitty...Now, onto December and New Years...my dday...

December, wow...where to begin...well at this point its roughly been about 90 days post divorce...starting to get the urge to date but still needed to work on me...again, trust others advice...change wardrobe, volunteer, join a group, get a hobby...etc that makes you FEEL like a better man...this is where I am now...but moving onward quickly....but efficiently...  Ok, so a few things happened during the holidays...for ME...personally I had about 4-5 woman straight up ask me out...no 5hit...one was a college, a few were past "friends ONLY" working relationships...some were friends I NEVER thought...thought of me that way...but hey did...the other two...no 5hit moment, at Safeway - grocery store....the other at Jersey Mike's - sandwich place...I swear, starting second week in Nov leading up right to Christmas...woman were just checking me out...I could feel it...i was an old sense....lost in time...BUT NOW...REMEMBERED!!!...the looks, the moves, the timing of it all...seriously, I think the holidays make woman horny...sorry Ladies but it just IMHO...anyways...I PASSED...just didn't feel right...I had plans for Christmas and New Years and didn't want anything messing with them...but just wanted to say, hey Betrayed Spouses...you need to look into the mirror and start working on you...yes, you will feel like crap and it might even feel a little bit defeating...once you find some things you want to fix or work on yourself....DO IT...FOR YOURSELF...NO ONE ELSE...FOR YOU...if you have cavities, fix em....if you have a tire around your gut...fix it...if your hair is dingy...get a haircut and fix it...if your wardrobe needs an update....do it...these things are expensive and take time but take a step each and every day toward fixing those things you want to fix and YOU WILL START FEELING BETTER...ABOUT YOU!!!...and that's how you get thru this...at least for me....I am no Fabio...but for a 51 year old, I will step up to any one my age and say "no, check me out..."...its a mindset guys...remember...you can work out all you want...but I guarantee you take a man who's confident and has that mindset vs/ someone muscled out....and the man w/ the attitude will win out all the time...seen it don't need anyone to tell me any different...I see some f'ed up ugly dudes with some fine a55 ladies and you know what I have found out...the dude had the attitude...the confidence...not in the woman he was with...BUT WHO HE WAS AS A HUMAN BEING...A CONFIDENT...NOT A D!CK DUDE...those are the ones who win out in the end...So, where was I...Oh yea, December and Christmas come by...well, ME it was GREAT!!!...Had all four kids at my house for Christmas and the BIL/SIL nieces and nephew...just like Thanksgiving...good time had by all...December was a good month, I thought it would 5uck but it didn't it was a good month and a great Holiday...sure, you will miss the old times...you will miss some of the customs you used to do...but...BUT....that doesnt mean it can't be better!!!!....I cooked, had prime rib...everything came out great....football, beers, cards and prime rib....all of it gone before end of the day....was a great time...the only bump was my ex...yep, she tried to throw kibbles my way but I deflected them off of me and back onto her...Christmas had one issue, my ex....we just got off the phone w/ my MIL and FIL in AZ...and all was great until my daughter thought it would be a good idea to bring up "lets call mom..."...BOOM!!...BOYS went off on her...I was outside for all of this...but when i came back in I could tell the mood changed...my daughter was upset...we later realized she was used by the ex....ex asked her to bring her up to call via text...once the boys seen the text they backed off of their sister and we all had a quick heart to heart...never bring up the ex...EVER...NEVER...my boys explained to my daughter that it was her/ moms choice...she (ex wife) choose to have Christmas this way...this is HER normal, not ours...daughter got a quick lesson of being used as a chess piece and we crushed that conversation and went on to play cards against humanity...great game and the night ended GREAT...even w/ the bump put in by my ex...never thought she would do that...she was hovering right up until her OM came to town (cousin)...it was the joke of the day...told BIL/SIL/MIL/FIL that my ex really didn't celebrate the holidays WITHOUT FAMILY...oh man, I couldn't stop laughing at that one...BIL...well, he got a little pissed....said, he got into it again...with his sister...my ex...but this time my niece got bought into it...niece went after ex...BIL was supporting his daughter...my niece...ex...IDK what the fk happened to be honest...and it was at this point that the MEH moment happened...MEH...I just didn't care....even surprised me in a good way...MEH is awesome!!!!....well, ex got into a big fight w/ her family on 12/30....MEH to ME...  

Now, New Years....my dday....some of you may know but I found out reading FB messages last year while watching the countdown...I remember listening to it...10-9-8-7-6-5-4...and i am reading FB messages between my wife and her cousin...or should i say OM...LMFAO...and that's when you know you are more than halfway thru this madness....when you can look back and LOL at it...Well, I spent the night at the casino and I am NO meteorologist but it was raining beautiful ladies on me all night long...I felt like a kid in a candy store...my charisma was high...my confidence was high b/c I didnt give a rats a55 but have a great time...NOW, the countdown, let's just say it was a beautiful night surrounded by friends and acquaintances that wanted to have a great time...and we did...it really was fun!!!....

Its 2019 and I am sitting here remembering all the 5hit I went thru this time last year!...man, I remember feeling all that pain and heartache...I was in shock for like two weeks...I remember losing like 25 pounds in the month of January...Now, I am literally LOL as I write this...I had a great marriage IMHO that my ex decided to throw away...there are some things I miss and will remember with fondness...but I am laughing guys...my exwife cheated on me, I found out this time last year and I am LOL while I write this...when I found out, I told her to GTFO that day and she did and never came back and I am LOL at all of this...As time goes by you get a perspective on things...if you utilize the time to improve yourself...you will gain what i feel is critical to moving forward...Self Worth...when you start to value your own self worth...GAME...SET...MATCH...YOU WIN!!!...at least it was that way for me...NOW, WTF am I LOL...well, here is the deal...you feel rejected...you feel unworthy...you feel abandoned...you feel what ever else you feel...that's all RIGHT NOW...as time...and you hear that mentioned all over the place on TAM..TIME...unfortunately some of us waste THE TIME...we don't want to look at ourselves...we have no self confidence, esteem, etc...and we feel it...if I had to do it all over again, I would have focused on myself a whole lot sooner than staying in LIMBO...LIMBO sucks, but I felt the need to try and reconcile...my ex did me a favor and didn't want to R...she was in the fog...she found her purpose...she found her 1984 fantasy relived...and I waited...I didn't spam her...no texting, no phone calls no emails to her during this time...I originally gave her one year to fix her 5hit...well, she continued her affair...and I moved up my timeline (SMARTEST MOVE EVER!!!)...I went against advice and its ok to do so just remember it comes at a cost...I played nicey nice while she was in the fog...I went for the throat in the divorce deal and ended it real quick...ex wife agreed to all and signed it...I got my 401k, my RSU's/stock, my IRA's and...wait for it....THE HOUSE!!!!....oh yea, she kept her 5hit I kept mine and I got the house...I did pay her 1/10 for it, but...I GOT IT...my mortgage is compared to other peoples rent!!!...I owe half of what the property is worth...yea, lots of equity in the house and thats what I wanted and I got...played nicey nice...took the high road on all issues that came up...yes, its hard to do the right thing and it hurts...but, its got its benefits...you do this right, while they are in the FOG...and you will win...the key is to show them that you are happy...not just for yourself but for them as well...f'ing hard...but the benefits...AWESOME!!!...other benefits thru all of this...if you maintain your integrity, be honest and truthful w/ ALL...everyone...be transparent...let your ACTIONS speak for yourself...be the ROCK for your kids and you will not only get benefits...YOU WILL BE BLESSED BEYOND YOUR DREAMS!!!!...My ex told me she didn't want kids anymore...she wanted to be foot loose and felt tied down...she wanted to travel...well, guess what...my ex doesn't have any kids to take care of she has an old man...literally...she's more tied down now than she has ever been...travel, dont make me LOL...he's a bum and she's the meal ticket...not only that...while I am living life...she's busy repairing relationships with her sons...I'll be in Vegas...her daughter, I'll be taking a trip to Europe...her parents, I'll be kayaking the columbia...her brother, I'll be snorting lines off of hot strippers a55's j/k'ing...maybe...LOL...who knows, all I know is I will be living...in the end and to my original point...

I GOT A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD PAID FOR BY MY EX WIFE, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY...FINANCIALLY!!!!....this is ALL ON HER!!!!....and thats the WIN for me...

Lastly, to all of you going through this right now...I would say this..."its a mind body and soul game to me. Mind, if you can get yourself into counseling, talk and air your 5hit out, it helps, come here often to vent and look for guidance but more importantly TO HELP OTHERS...you will notice unfortunately you will not be the last one to go thru this and helping others will ease some of the emotional stress in your head, try an app called HEADSPACE, first 10 sessions are free. Helps train the mind and cope w/ the emotional roller coaster ride. Make a list (NOW) of things you want to accomplish tomorrow, this will give you mind a break from the constant thinking of your ex. Make a list of 5-10 things you want to get done tomorrow (laundry, groceries, hair cut, etc.) and when you wake up in the AM focus on getting those tasks accomplished - this will help build your self esteem and confidence. When that list is done, guess what...make another...put some bigger tasks on there and start plugging away at accomplishing them, at the end of the week check out your list...it will make you feel better about yourself and give you the power to say, I CAN DO THIS...next, the body, get on that treadmill, go for a walk, clean the hell out of your house/apt, join a gym if you can and just work your a55 off...this will help release hormones to ease the mind and in a month you will look FABULOUS, now the soul...to me and just IMHO...pick up the bible...go to Proverbs and just start reading...finish proverbs, go to Psalms...and just keep on reading, combine that w/ prayer each and every night before you go to bed and you will start feeling better. Sure, you will have good days and bad days, but keep on this schedule and you will come out solid!!!...Hope this helps, lastly...as you can see...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!...we all support one another and we are here to support you! Keep the faith!!!!...oh and try divorcecare.org, its a group that works together to help people going through separation/divorce!"

Well, that's my update for now...sorry it was so long...Thank you all for your support!!!...don't let fear stop you, don't let fear leave you frozen and living in LIMBO, don't let fear guide you, take control of YOU...You can do it, YOU GOT THIS...

Now, for me...what does the future have to offer...well, I'm a little bit nervous...not scared, but excited...what's around the corner...whos' that red head? Man I got to get to the Mens Warehouse and Nordstrom Rack...maybe even swing over to Eddie Bauer...wait, who's that blond over there?...oh, the future...its not looking all that bad, actually its looking brighter and brighter each and every day!!!!...Have faith guys, you will get thru this...remember who you were before you met your ex and the things you wanted to do...remember, now start doing them...start acting the way you used to...remember, YOU GOT THIS!!!!


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

irish925 said:


> ***Update*** - Hello All, just wanted to send a quick update on my status and where I am at in life after divorce. Where to begin, well with the divorce final in September the holidays came up REAL fast. After the divorce I still had the good/bad days but it wasn't the same. It wasn't as bad, the triggers came around the holidays and thanks to guidance from Marc878 (gave me heads up on numerous times triggers would be present) and Kamstel (who encouraged me as time went .
> .
> .
> .
> ...


Wow, dude, you sound so healthy. 

I hope that other BS's find your post, and understand that there is life after infidelity and divorce.

I am so proud of you and your progress. 

What you know by now it that your ExW's life is going to be miserable, and she did it all to herself. While you may not feel good about that, I am sure that you do not feel bad. 

And, like many said, their are a host of women out that that a looking for a healthy, confident man, to be with. 

I hope you got the numbers of those girls so that when you are ready you can sample the field. 

You sound like one of the most successful cases of the **** you went through... 

So proud...


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Did you get your pipes cleaned or not ? 

That is the question >


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Fantastic Update!!!!

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!!!


----------



## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

Exelent work!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

***Advice needed***

I reached out to a member via message but now that I think about it I would like to see what others think as well...to the point...ex showed up at house...all my kids are +21 years old...only one live w/ me...

Ok, so my daughter has been staying w/ me and all has been great! Yesterday, she came home from work and looked sick...she was sick today and stayed home...ex swung by and picked her up for lunch...this is the first time she has been over the house since September, when she finally picked up the rest of her stuff. I live on 18 acres, so its a jaunt to get to the front of the property...so I understand her coming up to the house...what pisses me off is that she actually came into the house...I didnt invite her, I was in there and didn't know they were coming in...figured ex was just dropping her back home after lunch...well, I turn around my daughter is there still a little sick and grabbing her keys asap...and there my ex was...just came right in and starting petting our animals that she left behind...now, this has NEVER happened before...and IT WON'T AGAIN...this is why I am writing you...here is what I plan to do...before I begin...my daughter and ex left at the same time...daughter leading...my daughter looked before she got in the car and said dad...I love you...and then turned to ex and said hurry up you need to move your car so I can go...ex just said bye and left...got a text from my daughter about 30 seconds later saying "I tried to tell her that she shouldn't come in...sorry dad.."...NOW, I have to sit the **** down w/ my daughter and convey that her mom my ex wife is not allowed in my house! However, I need to do it w/o losing my cool...I actually thought this would trigger me more...its not that I am triggered...I am more like who the f*&k does this btch think she is...I wasn't going to get into it in front of my daughter who was heading to the hospital to check on a friend...however, wtf would have happened if I had another woman over? My daughter is the one who is having the hardest time w/ this...however, my ex's actions...like today...are only going to help put up some borders/boundaries one way or the other...I have to explain to my daughter that if she is unable to stop her mother from entering my house w/o my permission...we have problem...I don't want to blow up but I want to make sure my point is crystal clear so this never happens again...

I thought about writing the ex...I thought about calling the ex...I thought about texting the ex...about her actions, but I do not want to break 180NC...even though it was broken by proxy by my daughter....F87K....its not fair for my daughter to have to think this way but my health has to come first...my house...my rules....so, I am not going to contact the ex...UNLESS...and I am going to be really surprised but why should that change...that if you tell me I should....to write down my rules of my house....I mean, WTF would happen if I showed up at her place w/ my daughter and walked in...on her and her cousin/OM....I really want to send that to my ex...but I'm not going to give her the satisfaction....mother f*&king thoughts?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

hey Irish, i would avoid addressing this with your daughter the problem is with your ex and simply tell your ex (text or phone) that she no longer lives there, and it is not her property so treat it as such, thereby knock, ring the bell until someone answers the doors.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree, you are going to have to break your no contact and tell her in no uncertain terms she is not to enter your house, and you will involve the authorities if she ever does so again. I wonder if there is some kind of legal order you can get against her to keep her from entering your home…

Do talk with your daughter but don’t come down on her. Just make sure she is clear on the boundary. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

^^^^^ don't put your daughter in the middle of this.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Understood Lostinthought61, I talked to my daughter last night...told her I was upset, she TOTALLY understands why...she was just as upset...this is bullllllllssssshhhhiitttttttt.....the exwife knows this would hurt both of us, so why? WTF is the point. Thanks Lost...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

3Xnocharm, I did talk w/ my daughter...started to come down and noticed it, back tracked w/her...the ex put her in this spot...and she knows it...she's tired of all of this...the last three months w/ my daughter have been awesome! She has moved back home w/ me and her life has just straighten out for the better...her new BF is actually...I cant believe I am going to say this...AWESOME...finally, a good one and my daughter knows it. We did an exercise last June when all the madness was hitting the fan. Told her to make a top 5 things she wanted to do w/ her life. Marriage was #1, w/ kids next...etc...well, the BF she was with was not matching her list....HMMMM....they broke up amicable in Nov, daughter moved back w/ me after that....and DIDNT MONKEY CLIMB...into another relationship...its been 5 months and no BF...as she said, "i haven't been single since....I was like....16....and it feels good actually... "  Yea, lots of work w/ her...and its paying off...now the ex....the ex is throwing her flying monkey crap all over the place...

Anyways, I really....REALLY don't wan to break NC...but it seems I might have to.......dfkjdalskfafl;kiufahf a;ldkhfna;sf///ffhdklfhalifhidsa dfjkalsfjakl; sf aka....ssssssshhhhhhiiiitttttttttttttttttt..........


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Marc878, I didn't...the ex did......now, wtf would you do?....are you saying I need to contact her Marc878?!?!?!?!.........


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yes but not person to person I laid it out for you. Once done I suspect you'll get some contact, texts and such. *Those should be ignored. No response needed or warranted.* 

It's a statement of your rules boundaries. There is no discussion needed. State them then go back to no contact. 

You'll be fine.

Your daughter is young (put in the middle) and I wouldn't expect her to be able to handle this situation well.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

ssshhhiiitttttttttttttt, I did this back in October, I laid it out perfectly clear............WTF, yes daughter is finally in a good place.....so, leaving her out......I'll figure out how I'll reach out and finalize this......its freakin kibbles, she wants to give the appearance to our daughter that we are "still friends"...I started to express that to my daughter, I said, "would you consider someone a friend that did this to you and your family"...when that came out, its the ONE statement I made thruout this entire BS since 1/1/2018 my dday, that i wish I didn't say...the look on my daughters face said it all...I apologized, back stepped out...she has been thru enough...

Has anyone else experienced their ex's using the kids as chess pieces or a trying to put on an appearance of "see, where still friends..." buuullllsssshhhhiiittttttttt????? Again, I just want everyone to know I am not triggered, when i seen my ex there wasn't that rush that used to be there...there was emptiness...I could care less feeling...I see MEH in my future....


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Anything new on the crazy incestuous ex front?

You did a great job with talking with your daughter. 

Now as for ex, I suggest that you send her a text simply telling her that unless YOU specifically invite her, she is NOT invited to be on YOUR property or in YOUR house.

AND if you do invite her, she is expected to knock on the door just as any other non-resident would be expected to do. 


Then, and this is the most important part of this, DO NOT read any response the cousin-lover might send to you



And in other news.... how is rest of your life going?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

irish925 said:


> ssshhhiiitttttttttttttt, I did this back in October, I laid it out perfectly clear............WTF, yes daughter is finally in a good place.....so, leaving her out......I'll figure out how I'll reach out and finalize this......its freakin kibbles, she wants to give the appearance to our daughter that we are "still friends"...I started to express that to my daughter, I said, "would you consider someone a friend that did this to you and your family"...when that came out, its the ONE statement I made thruout this entire BS since 1/1/2018 my dday, that i wish I didn't say...the look on my daughters face said it all...I apologized, back stepped out...she has been thru enough...
> 
> Has anyone else experienced their ex's using the kids as chess pieces or a trying to put on an appearance of "see, where still friends..." buuullllsssshhhhiiittttttttt????? Again, I just want everyone to know I am not triggered, when i seen my ex there wasn't that rush that used to be there...there was emptiness...I could care less feeling...I see MEH in my future....


It happens. They all want back in at some point. It's all about her. Just a form of cake eating.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Kamstel....my bad missed your reply...let me get you the answers...

Anything new on the crazy incestuous ex front? - Oh yea, they are living together. He moved here, can't let the meal ticket get lost now can we...

Yep, confronted her last week. Had no choice...it was a monologue conversation...just the facts and ended it w/ "you got it..."

Oh man, LIFE IS GOOD BRO!!!!!!!!....I was just thanking Marc878 for his guidance...all I can say is for all those going thru Infidelity - Divorce...you might feel like 5hit now, but things will get better. All I can say is for me, it was actually getting a new and fresh perspective on my SELF WORTH!...Yep, once you measure your self worth things start to turn around. Problem for most folks is they don't want to be honest w/ themselves. I needed to get in shape, drop like 20 lbs, upgrade the wardrobe, etc...takes time...but do one thing at a time to get you there each and every day...and you'll get there...now, the LADIES...OMG...my God the crap I put up with was buuullllsssshhhhiiittttt....ever been w/ a woman that really....REALLY wants to be w/ you....My God...its awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............and I used to think I would...be...LMAO...lonely........only if I chose to be...now, I'm no Fabio...I'm a 51 year old w/ 4 kids (empty nester) but try saying that to a few and you'll get the eye rolls...but that only made the game more...challenging...next.....FIX THY PICKER!!!....thank God for this site...my flags are set and go off on a regular basis keeping things nice and orderly...they doesn't mean I don't still have fun...oh, I do...some woman just would like to go out w/ once in a while....and if you seen some of them you would be like WTF...so, I dont mind taking the hit  

Again, I didn't chose this...this path was chosen for me long ago but its now MINE to decide where to go from here...all i can say, is Lima Peru is looking very....very nice....Oh yea, I'm going opposite traffic


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

But in today's world at 51 you're in your prime. Make good use of that.

Remember cloths make/complete the man. Lots of good sales so you don't have to skimp.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

irish925 said:


> Kamstel....my bad missed your reply...let me get you the answers...
> 
> Anything new on the crazy incestuous ex front? - Oh yea, they are living together. He moved here, can't let the meal ticket get lost now can we...
> 
> ...


What you are just starting to realize is that it gets better and better. 

Even now you think you are old at 51, dude, I was banging 4 different women in causal relationships, when I was that age. 

But the biggest and best part is the freedom and starting to understand how the world works. 

After I settled back down I met the love of my love. Everything is great with that relationship, I did not even know it could be like this, but it is. 

I just wish all these people would listen and get out of this crap from the get go instead of wallowing in it and trying to fix something that is UNFIXABLE...

Good for you...


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Fantastic news!!!! Great job!!

Did you ever make it to Vegas?
How was the Red Rooster??
Lol


----------

