# Lost, Confused, Hurt, Considering Divorce



## Lonley&confused (Jul 25, 2012)

My story is the opposite of a fairy tale although it started off as a great love my husband and I had it all. We have been married for 10 years now and in those 10 years faced a lot of bumps that could've ended our marriage but we were strong because we had eachother and that was enough. One one the biggest miletones we achieved was having a baby, we tried for almost 9 years with failed IVF and IUI attempts and 2 miscarriages we now have a healthy beautiful baby girl that has filled our lives with so much I cannot even put into words. 
The sad thing is now after we have gotten everything that we could have ever wanted, first and foremost our daughter, great job stability and income, happy friends and family, strong faith he has drifted so far emotionally away from me that I contemplate divorce on a daily basis. I left the house for almost a month at his request because he felt like our marriage was over. I came home knowing that I would probably have to put in more than he is in order to "win" him back and salvage what we once had. But I keep getting to that point where I feel like he is just a different man now and that he is never going to the same again. He barely spends time with me, he is ALWAYS on his phone texting or playing games and although I have never been the snoop wife now that he has his phone locked and doesnt allow me near it makes my mind wonder in a million different scenerios. I guess I can try to make it work by becoming the woman that he wants me to be, all he wants is for me to be "happy" and smile more and not be mad all the time. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so that is very hard for me to suck up and try and change about myself. There are so many reasons to make it work because I do love him, I want to spend my life with him and he says the same to me but I just dont feel it. I just needed to get this out and hear what some of you think. Thanks for taking the time to read this....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Curious.

Why are you mad all the time? During your baby making process, how in tune were you to your husband's needs? Sex especially? Did he want a child?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think some women get so focused when it comes to having and caring for a child they forget all about their spouse. They deprioritize their marriage... put it on a shelf so to speak. Then one day they realize their husband is gone emotionally. He's had to take care of his own needs while she tended to the baby. Shut down really and involve himself in other things, sometimes even go as far as to have an affair.

I wonder OP, how long your husband may have felt the way you do now before he just gave up?


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## Lonley&confused (Jul 25, 2012)

Curious.

Why are you mad all the time? During your baby making process, how in tune were you to your husband's needs? Sex especially? Did he want a child?

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I dont know why I am always mad to be honest with you. During the baby making process I got diagnosed with PCOS and my hormones are always all out of whack but I dont want to use that as an excuse. Sexually, I always tried to be there for him in every way possible, I have never in 10 years turned him down, I always out his needs ahead of my own. As far as him wanting a baby I think he wanted it just as much as I did. He is not the best with showing his emotions but he is a very stubborn man, basically if he doesnt want it he would have never gave the effort as well. I know the process of fertility doctors and years of ups and downs and shots and pills took its toll on our relationship, I guess I would have figured it would have mad us stronger (


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> As far as him wanting a baby *I think he wanted it just as much as I did*. He is not the best with showing his emotions but he is a very stubborn man, *basically if he doesnt want it he would have never gave the effort as well*.


Not so fast. He'd do it to make his wife happy. A lot of men do it to please their wives, not necessarily for their own desire.



> I know the process of fertility doctors and years of ups and downs and shots and pills took its toll on our relationship


With you having PCOS AND this, I'm sure it was all very overwhelming, for you in one way and for him in others.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What are you mad about? Maybe that should be explored in detail. It's hard to solve a problem when you don't tackle the source.


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## Lonley&confused (Jul 25, 2012)

"Not so fast. He'd do it to make his wife happy. A lot of men do it to please their wives, not necessarily for their own desire."

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I would have thought the same thing but I knew how he felt about having kids from a young age. Plus his older brother also had issues with his wife trying to get pregnant and I could see how that affected him as well as his whole family. I guess I am so lost and confused I try to be a good mother and I dont want to loose my husband over this but what can I do. I know its not the baby because when we talk he tells me that what motivates him to try and salvage our marriage and that she is the best thing that ever happened to us.


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## Lonley&confused (Jul 25, 2012)

I dont know what I am always mad about. I am not "always" mad but I am more of a serious person where as he is a jokester and loves being around large groups of people. I am very opposite, I like being alone most of the time because I see people for the damaging hurtful souls that they can be and I'd rather just not deal with it. I do go out with him all the time in large groups to make him happy but honestly dont remember the last time it was just me and him eating dinner or watching a movie. I am 30 years old and he is the only man I know, the only man I have ever been with sexually, emotionally, and the only man I have ever loved. Do I try to become a better more appreciative outgoing person to try and make it work?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lonley&confused said:


> I dont know what I am always mad about. I am not "always" mad but I am more of a serious person where as he is a jokester and loves being around large groups of people. I am very opposite, I like being alone most of the time because I see people for the damaging hurtful souls that they can be and I'd rather just not deal with it. I do go out with him all the time in large groups to make him happy but honestly dont remember the last time it was just me and him eating dinner or watching a movie. I am 30 years old and he is the only man I know, the only man I have ever been with sexually, emotionally, and the only man I have ever loved. Do I try to become a better more appreciative outgoing person to try and make it work?


I think you need to meet him in the middle. Most guys I know can't stand overly serious and sober women. They like to have fun. Keep things light... do fun things with their spouse. If you don't have a bubbly personality, and he does, yes that can be tedious. Kind of the debbie downer. Nobody likes a debbie downer.

Have you asked him about going out on a date with you? I mean what things did you used to do together before the baby? How did you meet... what was dating like before you got married?


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## Lonley&confused (Jul 25, 2012)

Have you asked him about going out on a date with you? I mean what things did you used to do together before the baby? How did you meet... what was dating like before you got married?

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I have tried telling him lets do date nights but he never seems to have the time or tries to make an effort so I just put my daughter to bed and hang out alone while he goes to his aunts house or cousins house. I understand this time is still fragile and I do see him try from time to time so I guess it is salvageable but I guess I still have so much resentment towards him that I have to learn to let go. I wish I can change my personality to become more bubbly and lovable its just when you have been a certain way for the majority of your life how do u change??


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Trust me----having a grouchy, angry wife truly takes a toll on a relationship (same as if the husband is/was angry). You need to get to the bottom of this and truly be happy. Faking it might work as a start but it will not last. And to keep your eyes open that he does have a Happy EA going. Good luck!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lonley&confused said:


> Have you asked him about going out on a date with you? I mean what things did you used to do together before the baby? How did you meet... what was dating like before you got married?
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> I have tried telling him lets do date nights but he never seems to have the time or tries to make an effort so I just put my daughter to bed and hang out alone while he goes to his aunts house or cousins house. I understand this time is still fragile and I do see him try from time to time so I guess it is salvageable but I guess I still have so much resentment towards him that I have to learn to let go. I wish I can change my personality to become more bubbly and lovable its just when you have been a certain way for the majority of your life how do u change??


Resentment won't fix itself. It can't be masked or hidden either. How long have you felt this way about him? Maybe he picks up on it and would rather avoid you because of it? Where does the resentment come from? His distance? 

These things are vicious circles... you're angry and being angry pushes him away, but you really want him closer. Round and round it goes. The only thing you have control of is yourself. You change what's going on within you, he'll notice and maybe make some changes too. It has to start with you.

Be assertive about dates. Make a dinner reservation and tell him 'Honey we're going out, I made us some reservations at .....' This Friday night, set it up. Get him right after work. You two can't keep dodging one another like you are.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Lonley&confused said:


> My story is the opposite of a fairy tale although it started off as a great love my husband and I had it all. We have been married for 10 years now and in those 10 years faced a lot of bumps that could've ended our marriage but we were strong because we had eachother and that was enough. One one the biggest miletones we achieved was having a baby, we tried for almost 9 years with failed IVF and IUI attempts and 2 miscarriages we now have a healthy beautiful baby girl that has filled our lives with so much I cannot even put into words.
> The sad thing is now after we have gotten everything that we could have ever wanted, first and foremost our daughter, great job stability and income, happy friends and family, strong faith he has drifted so far emotionally away from me that I contemplate divorce on a daily basis. I left the house for almost a month at his request because he felt like our marriage was over. I came home knowing that I would probably have to put in more than he is in order to "win" him back and salvage what we once had. But I keep getting to that point where I feel like he is just a different man now and that he is never going to the same again. He barely spends time with me, he is ALWAYS on his phone texting or playing games and although I have never been the snoop wife now that he has his phone locked and doesnt allow me near it makes my mind wonder in a million different scenerios. I guess I can try to make it work by becoming the woman that he wants me to be, all he wants is for me to be "happy" and smile more and not be mad all the time. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so that is very hard for me to suck up and try and change about myself. There are so many reasons to make it work because I do love him, I want to spend my life with him and he says the same to me but I just dont feel it. I just needed to get this out and hear what some of you think. Thanks for taking the time to read this....


I'm confused also... *HE* felt that the marriage was over so *HE* kicked you out of the house for awhile. I'm assuming the baby came with you? If so, then he kicked his wife AND child out of the house for awhile.... for what? To think things over? He is ALWAYS on the phone texting... to who? Do you know? And he keeps his phone locked now AND won't allow you near it... something he didn't do before. Why? What does he have to hide? I can definitely understand why your mind is fantasizing all kinds of bad images. I agree with what the others said... maybe trying to have a baby and now taking care of one has consumed you and unintentionally you've put your marriage on the back burner and no one wants to spend time with a "Debby Downer" but there just seems to be more than that going on regarding his side.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*"I feel like he is just a different man now and that he is never going to the same again. He barely spends time with me, he is ALWAYS on his phone texting or playing games and although I have never been the snoop wife now that he has his phone locked and doesnt allow me near it makes my mind wonder in a million different scenerios.:*

Keeping the phone locked and not allowing you near it is a sign of infidelity.

What do you think he is trying to hide from you?

Can you look at the bill and see who he is texting/calling? If there are a lot of calls/texts to one number? Or calls/texts late at night?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Lonley&confused said:


> I have tried telling him lets do date nights but he never seems to have the time or tries to make an effort so *I just put my daughter to bed and hang out alone while he goes to his aunts house or cousins house*. I understand this time is still fragile and I do see him try from time to time so I guess it is salvageable but I guess I still have so much resentment towards him that I have to learn to let go. I wish I can change my personality to become more bubbly and lovable its just when you have been a certain way for the majority of your life how do u change??


Another sign of infidelity. Are you sure he is going to his aunt's or cousin's house so much? He tried for 10 years to have a baby, now he doesn't want to be with her?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Phone games often have separate messaging. People meet that way. I know it sounds insane but it happens plenty, unfortunately. There will be people chiming in any minute to back me up.

Verifying that your husband isn't inappropriately communicating with someone he shouldn't isn't "snooping." You show me someone who keeps large amounts of their life "private" from their spouse and I'll show you someone who is hiding their true selves from the marriage. That isn't marriage. That's roommates.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Both of you have built up resentment and have or are contemplating divorce. Both of you have emotionally disconnected. Your husband may be having an EA or PA (too many red flags).

Ok, that sums it up, now what do you both want to do about it. If you want to work on your marriage you both need to be on board. If you want to stay married work on a plan. We'll go see a marriage counselor, we'll read marriage building books.We'll spend x amount of time doing things together (even at home)(no phone).

If you or he want a divorce then make an exit plan. First I'd find out if he is cheating. That is not snooping. You are married.


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