# Help, how to get the fire back.



## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

I have been married to my husband (We will call him Bill)for 2 and half years and we have been together for 4 and half years. My husband I both have been married before this is our second time around. We both married our high school sweet hearts. He was with his ex for 8 years and then it was about 8 years after they broke up until he was ready for another relationship which was me. I married my high school boyfriend a year after graduation and our son was born 3 months later. My husband does not have kids from his first marriage. My first husband was abusive and neglectful. The only thing that was good in our marriage was when he had sex. We had the hot take your breath away 90% of the time sex 5 to 6 times a week. That was the only thing that was right in our marriage. We didn't talk to each other or spend any time together. I worked 2 jobs and he went to school and watched our son. The month of our 2 year wedding anniversary my ex husband and I went out bowling with some of our friends. I went home early (since I had to work in the morning)and he said he would be home soon and I told him to wake me up for sex. Anyways he brought back the people we went bowling with to our apartment. They started drinking. I am a very light sleeper and heard everything. At about 5 in the morning my ex husband still hadn't come to bed and I was horny so I went downstairs to get him. As I was heading down there I heard my exhusband and this girl making out on our couch. When I saw them he was making out and fingering her. They were not having sex but to me it was still cheating. I kicked everyone out of my apartment and told my ex husband to sleep it off and we would talk when I got home from work. Fast forward he didn't remember any of it and he was really sorry blah blah blah. By the time I went to my second job that day I was just a wreck. At this job I worked with Bill and he saw that I was upset and asked what was wrong. I explained what had happened. Over time I tried to forgive my ex husband and I just couldn't. 
Over the next few months I had an emotional affair with Bill and kind of just swept what happened with my ex husband out of my mind. Bill is 14 years older than me. Something I felt as only a minor obstical.
The emotional affair turned into a physical affair and Bill and I started seeing each other. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and were doing it any chance we could. I month into our affair I filed for divorce from my ex husband. 
Fast forward 3 years, Bill and I were married we were having sex almost every day still. We did so much together spent time together. We fought just as any other couple fights and then we would make up. We have a son of our own and my son and his half brother are great. We did have a little hippocough with him watching porn, and it brought on fights because I felt like he was cheating by pleasuring himself watch other women and I got over it. He says he is a man he is going to watch porn, its what guys do. But were were still having sex.
Now here is where I would like to call the flip switch. I can pinpoint it to this event where our relationship changed. My best friend from high school got really sick and was in ICU for 3 weeks. To say I wasn't in the mood for sex or intamacy is an understatement. I would visit her as much as I could in the hospital. I became depressed and cried a lot. After 3 weeks she lost her battle and passed away. I was absolutely devestated. I am not sure if I leaned on bill too much or that he saw me really vulernerable. I couldn't talk to him about my feelings and what I feeling about losing my best friend it hurt too much. Finally after grieving I supressed my feelings and was ready to be intimate with my husband again. Our sex life changed and has never been the same. We hardly ever kiss anymore, we have sex 3 times a week which sometimes seems to be a struggle. He works 5 out of the 7 nights till 11 at night and I work first shift so we barely get to spend anytime together. I ask him if he is in the mood and he says he is too exhausted from work but will stay up until 5 in the morning playing video games, looking at porn on his phone or you tube videos. If I try to give him a deeper kiss than a peck on the lips he says ok ok ok. His idea of fore play is "ok honey play with my penis." He used to touch me and caress me even once in a while do oral. A few months ago to spice things up he had asked me to do anal for years and I finally gave into him and that was the last time he had foreplay before he entered from behind. We don't look at each other during sex, we don't kiss, he will occasionally feel my breast if I am on top, but there is no passion no flame anymore. I feel like sex has become a chore for him a chore he does not want to do very often. 
Since my friend has passed away I have also turned to masterbating to porn on nights he works till 11 but my vibrator can only do so much and even I still want sex after I am finished masterbating. 
When he finally does come to bed in the wee hours of the morning, he will snuggle me and feel my breast but if I try to grind on him he says stop he just wants to snuggle. I sleep in a night with no panties very easy for him to wake me up and get into the mood fast. 
I often have sex dreams and fantasies about having sex with my ex-husband but thwart the idea because I want to be faithful to my husband. We took vows and this time I want to get it right. I don't want to have hot passionate sex with anyone but my husband. I told him I was pretty much up for anything except bringing in someone to the bedroom. I am adventourrous I don't mind having sex in places other than the bed, but that is where he is restricted. He says honey I am 40 years old, what do you want I am too old to do stuff like that anymore. I just don't want sex that much anymore. I tell him I am horny all the time. I am only 25 years old. I haven't even hit my prime yet. His solution was he bought me rechargable batteries. 
I want to get the fire back in our marriage. I want him to be interested. I stopped charging up my Victoria secret card because He doesn't even look at me anymore or say I am sexy or beautiful to him anymore. I feel like we got married we had our honey moon face he is complacent and lazy with our sex life. He feels he is getting older and his sex drive isn't as crazy as mine. What should he expect when he married a younger woman that I wouldn't want to have sex as much. I don't get it. Any advice would be helpful. Sorry for the back story but I wanted to get the whole story out.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

40? That's no excuse! I've dated men who were 48 and he still
had a lot of desire and was great.
I'd suggest counseling. There was something about you going through your grieving that changed him. I think you can get it back but you 
need to talk about it. He is just making excuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

I feel horrible with the rejection that I get I much rather have sex than use the vibrator. When he states I want sex too much. I said what did you expect, I am 25 years old. How much sex were you having when you were 25. He always go straight to if you don't like it we can get divorced and you can f*** someone your own age. Been there, done that and yeah I had great sex. But I need more than just great sex to make our marriage work. I want to feel the connection we used to have. I have told him I don't want anyone else. I want my husband back because he changed so dramatically when my friend passed away. Which he says that has nothing to do with us but that is exactly when I can pinpoint our marriage changing.


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

How much sex is average for a man of 40?


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

We have sex on average 3 times a week. He has said that if we had sex less the sex would be better and he would be into it. There have been times when we waited 5 days to have sex and I still had to initiate it. I can't even remember the last time he has initated sex at all.


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

For example Last month (february) 
We had sex a total of 13 times
I used a vibrator 10 times (Some times used after to finish) 
I gave him a bj 2 times.


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

We used to have this great sex all the time with decent foreplay. I just feel like he is complacent and lazy the past year.


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> I had a problem with initiating as well...ie. I was also always doing it. Got to the point that I started to get a complex about it and thought I was no longer attractive, etc. Turns out he was just "getting lazy"...he knew I'd eventually come to him for sex, so he just waited for it. Once I told him how it made me feel, he started making more of an effort. I still initiate more though, and have just accepted that this is our dynamic...took me a while to get to that point. If I were getting turned down it would bother me more.
> 
> Sounds like you need to have a good heart to heart...was the sex better after a break? (even though you initiated it?)


Even after we have a break and don't have sex for a few days. The sex is just okay. I see fireworks maybe once or twice a month, if you get what I mean. We are both home tomorrow night and Saturday is date night for us. That's one thing we have kept since we got married is a date night for us at least once a month. I will try to bring it up, that is if I can get him away from his WOW game for more than 20 minutes. Every time I try to bring up how I am not happy with our sex life he says lets just get a divorce and you can f*** someone your own age then. I try to tell him it would be better if he gave just a little bit of attention. He complained he wasn't getting BJ's enough. So one night we had sex and a few hours later he was horny again and was like you should give me a bj and I did. After he asked why I did it. I said because we had sex and I was satisfied and I would do things like that more often. I try to be spontaneous with him. He is not spontatenous with me any more.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

hnp said:


> Every time I try to bring up how I am not happy with our sex life he says lets just get a divorce and you can f*** someone your own age then.


And your response should be, "ok fine.....go pack your bags and leave! I'll have the divorce papers drawn up ASAP!" 

I'll bet you get a reaction out of him then!


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## hnp (Mar 8, 2012)

southern wife said:


> And your response should be, "ok fine.....go pack your bags and leave! I'll have the divorce papers drawn up ASAP!"
> 
> I'll bet you get a reaction out of him then!


I can try that. I'll have to catch him before he turns the computer on.


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