# So confused and feeling guilty....



## Liz888888 (Oct 11, 2011)

My story has a lot of different sides to it. Since the moment we said "I do", there were things that hurt me but I talked to him about it. I tried to understand and stay commited. He seemed to listen and that would make me feel better. However, 2 years into our marriage, he seemed to had lost interest on sex with me. It would happen once a month and he had to start it. If I did, he would reject me. He would spend hours locked in his office watching porn. That changed to chatting with other women on yahoo messenger and looking at them on webcam. I found out he was flirting with a woman at work. He would come from work, straight to his computer and chat with her until late at night. I started checking his email and found one saying "Your birthday is coming soon. I can't wait to make out with you". I was going to leave him that day but he cried and begged me to stay. I had never seen him like that. I stayed. He promised to stop talking to her. Two months later, I found more emails. He was annoyed when I got mad but eventually, she was history. The following 6 years were a roller coaster. He became parents. We seemed to be in a good place. Still, sex would only happen once a month under his terms. He would avoid kissing me and would never tell me why. I knew he was still watching porn but there weren't any signs of infidelity. He was home on time, no money missing, no jumpy reactions, you get the picture. Still, his communication efforts declined. We seemed to have fallen into a comfortable routine but he wasn't my best friend anymore. I had to follow him around the house to make him listen to anything I had to say. He had no interest on my job or my friends. We didn't even had a date in years... he would always find a reason to wait "until next week".... Then 3 years ago, after losing his job, he got one out of state. I felt so bad for him spending all that time alone but was proud of his efforts to provide to his family until I sat at his computer simply to don't go to the other room just to check the weather on mine... his email account was open and dozens of emails to craigslists personal ads.... so many, I lost count. He was telling women in the other state that he was married but away from home and wanted female company. He said he didn't have time for b.s. so was looking for someone serious about a one time thing. Then he would go on to describe the things he would do to them sexually. He sent his picture. I went through at least 20 emails and felt sick. I was about to pass out. I stopped reading. My children were awake and I didn't want them to see me like that. After confronting him that night, I wanted him to leave. He didn't have an explanation. He just said he knew it was wrong and would stop. As I put the kids to bed, he went to our room and took out his gun. I told him to put it away and he did. I wasn't scared. I was mad. He didn't cry this time but seemed seriously affected. He promised many things. I told him that I would never see him the same way again. I told him he had hurt me in a way that if it happened again, I wouldn't ask questions, I would just leave. He kept his promises for only a few months. After that, he would be working all the time, always in a bad mood, always yelling and being rude. I was still in love but hurt and very sad. I felt that my dreams had vanished and I would never feel happy again. Still, he is awesome with our children. They love him so much and seeing their smile everytime he would walk in, that stopped me from leaving..... About a year after the craigslist women, he grew more and more impossible to be with. He was angry all the time. He would yell at me for no reason at all. Never got violent or called me names but he was rude and always looking at me in a hurtful way. Sex was still once a month. It was the only time he would be affectionate. After doing it, he would go back to his rude self. It was so clear why he would be affectionate that I started feeling disgusted. Sometimes, I would agree to have sex just he would stop his fake affection and leave me alone for a month. I tried talking to him about all this but he would just sit there, mumble short answers and leave the room as soon as he could. After the holidays that year, I told myself it was over. I didn't deserve that life... but I was unemployed, we had spent all our savings. I had no money at all. It was the worst of the recession and I felt trapped.... that's when I met someone online. I wasn't looking for that. I was playing a kind of boring game that had a chat room. I found a group of players about my age who were very nice and friendly. No sex talk or things like that. We would chat like a group of old friends. It was refreshing and had such good laughs that I needed so badly. However, one by one started leaving the game. When it was only 2 or 3 left, I said I would leave also. That's when one of them told me he would miss me. I guess I hadn't heard that in a long time. I stayed. We both eventually stopped playing that game but we had become friends by then. Months went by, I can say that he is my best friend now. He has been respectful, kind, listens to me no matter what. We both have shared a lot about our lives.... but it turned into an emotional affair. I know that. He knows I've wanted to get divorced for a long time. I have asked my husband for divorce at least 5 times over the past 10 years. He refuses. I haven't had the courage to leave. My friend isn't pushing me into divorce. He isn't brainwashing me to his advantage. I respect him for that. I know that I have a friend for life.... Then, a shock.... Once again, I used my husband's computer for some unrelated thing and his facebook page was open on the messages section. I saw messages to a woman I hadn't know about. One of them said "I love you. I wish I were with you"... it was from a year earlier. From the time when he got at his worst on the way the treated me. Several other messages were among the same lines... it had been going on for months... I confronted him. He told me she was his first girlfriend from HS. He said it was over and I should forget about it. He hardly said "I'm sorry" and showed no emotion. He was annoyed I kept insisting. So, I asked him for divorce. He said it would never happen. No matter what, he would never divorce me. I felt so lonely and so depressed. I wanted time away but I was affraid to be alone. I was too sad. He agreed to my trip. I guess he felt he had no option. I didn't tell him that I had decided to visit a friend. Yes, my online friend. I spent 2 days in his hometown. He was so nice, caring, respectful. I was able to relax and felt safe for the first time in years. We didn't have sex or even discussed it. We were honest about being attracted to each other but he says he doesn't want to be involved in an affair and I agree.... It's been a year since that trip. I desperately looked for a job. My husband doesn't make enough to pay the bills as they are. I know child support wouldn't be enough. I finally found a job and was looking for a divorce lawyer when my husband found a texts to my friend. He looked at our cel phone records (never cared about it before) and noticed how much I have been in touch with him over the past year. That's when he asked if I saw him during that trip. I said yes. He accused me of having an affair and he is sure I had sex. All the things he has done to me don't matter. He tells me that's the past and I should forgive and forget. He wants me to stop this friendship and stay married to him forever. Marriage counseling wouldn't work. Anytime I tried to talk about anything, he gets angry and says I'm lying. He says he never did any of those things or that he did but I should be a good wife and forget about it. Now, he makes comments all the time about my friend and makes me feel guilty. He says I'll make our children suffer and lose their family because I'm too selfish. He checks everything I do and uses any opportunity to make me feel bad about myself. Then, 10 min later, he hugs me, tries to kiss me and says he loves me..... I'm going crazy. I need to get out of here. Am I right? He has such power over me.... I feel like I'm such an awful person....


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Yes, you are right.

He is holding you hostage in your marriage.

Make an exit plan. And stick to it. Ignore everything he says. Save money, get a job, plan your steps, see a lawyer, and get out. All of this without letting your H know.


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