# I Feel So Lost



## raybay24 (Jun 25, 2012)

I want to try to make this post as short as possible to spare you all the bore of trudging through it all, but I can't make any promises here. I've kind of turned to the internet because I literally have no one else - I don't want to get my family involved (my sister is my best friend, but bringing this to her attention would only stress her out) and my other close friend is really kind of wishy-washy, if you know what I mean...one of those who tells you what they think you want to hear.
Anyways, my husband and I met back when I was a junior in high school. I thought he was a weirdo, had a boyfriend at the time, it was no big deal. Fast forward to last summer, we got married. I'm currently 20, he will be 21 at the end of July. Our relationship has never been short of drama, but I've never had much of a "normal" relationship example in my life, so it's been hard for me to define the line of what is and isn't acceptable in a marriage, much less a relationship. We are good friends, though - we have been since we met, so it isn't like he is some terrible person. I just think we are both very immature still.
I almost called off the marriage a month or so prior...my husband didn't help with any of the planning and really didn't seem to give a rat's ass about how the stress was effecting me, etc. I also had a major break down the night before the wedding, but for some reason still went through with it...I think it was more the less that I felt I couldn't let everyone down by calling things off.
I just don't feel happy with our overall relationship. I feel like the "happiness" comes in spurts and only when I'm completely blinding myself to the real issues we have. We don't communicate well, mostly due to the fact that every time I attempt confrontation (big deal for me, I am extremely unconfrontational), it ends in a big yelling, screaming, crying disaster. I feel like I'd rather just keep to myself than start a huge fight.
I also feel like my husband doesn't put me first. There was an incident yesterday that really pushed me past my breaking point: We are down in FL, battling through the tropical storm Debby, and my husband decided that it would be a good idea to leave the house and work on his car. As it's storming out. As he sees that there are tornado warnings out. All while he KNOWS I am beyond terrified of tornadoes. I texted him and asked him when/if he was planning on coming home and to tell him that if a tornado hit while he was away I would never forgive him. He then went on to tell me that he was only coming home because he didn't want to hear me "*****" for the next week about how he wasn't there. At that point I honestly would have rather just been by myself through the storms. When he did get home, he thought that joking about seeing a tornado out the back door was a good idea. He is so immature. Other than that, he didn't try to comfort me, he didn't apologize for all of the worry he had caused me by being gone and out in the storm, nothing. But then again, I feel like I have to be part of the problem as well - I feel like I have done something to deserve the lack of respect, emotional neglect, and casual disregard that my husband shows towards me. I can't even tell you the last time he asked me how I was doing, or what I was thinking about, or how I felt about something, or how I was flat out feeling in general. I feel like he still wants to be living the single life, but keeps me around as a fall back. Someone to take care of the "home maker" responsibilities. It's like he wants some fabulous sex life, some perpetual kinky vixen, but just settled for me because it's more practical.
At this point I feel almost disconnected. It breaks my heart to think of leaving him, but I do NOT want to continue living like this. We have been seeing a counselor for the past few weeks, but I feel like my husband is so fake and arrogant when we speak with her.
A month or so ago, I caught my husband Googling his ex, saw that he had messaged her on Facebook after we had a big disagreement, and also saw that he had been watching a lot of porn...all the while he wants nothing to do with me sexually. And if he does, it's got to be on his terms. Can't be on a work night, can't be if he is tired, can't be anything unplanned essentially. Back when we were dating, he left me for the above mentioned ex, just to "piss me off". When I confronted him about contacting her this time, he said he did it, once again, just to "piss me off". Contacting an ex is NEVER okay in my book. It's almost like it's okay for him to do all of these things, but if I ever did he'd crap his pants.
I can honestly say I would be moved back in with my parents at this point, if it were an option. Unfortunately, we are down in FL and my parents are up in South Dakota. We are also in the process of purchasing a home, have all of our belongings in storage, and are staying with friends. I just feel so trapped and like I genuinely don't know what a "good" relationship is supposed to be like. I watch movies like The Vow and A Walk To Remember and The Notebook and bawl my eyes out because that's what I want - to be treated like I'm someone's world! I've always told myself that it's so far fetched and over dramatized, though - that it's not real and may as well be a Disney princess story.
Anyways, if you read all of this, thank you for listening. There are a lot more details, but I just wanted to give you all the gist of things. I just don't know what to do. I have confronted him about how he treats me more than once, things aren't really changing, but I have no where to go if I ever were to leave him. Being by myself down here would not be an option - I would have a complete and utter meltdown.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Sounds like you are in a very crappy situation.

He worked on his car during a tropical storm? Sounds like he STILL IS a weirdo.

Don't continue to commit to anything if you are not ready (your feelings right before the wedding were valid, put off getting a house).

You said the contact with his ex is unacceptable to you, and he knows it. His actions are very telling.

Why can't you tell your sister/family? Would it be HER problem?

Do you or him come from a troubled family/childhood? You mentioned not having an example of a "normal" relationship.


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## raybay24 (Jun 25, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> Sounds like you are in a very crappy situation.
> 
> He worked on his car during a tropical storm? Sounds like he STILL IS a weirdo.
> 
> ...


I just don't feel like telling my family would help the situation any. I feel like all I would do is worry them and taint their view of my husband.
My parents haven't gotten along for as long as I can remember. My mom is an alcoholic and it's pretty much torn our family apart.
His parents act like children. Disrespectful, immature, irresponsible. I don't want to use our parents as an excuse though-either we want the relationship to work and will do everything in our power to do so, or we don't. I keep giving him chances and hoping he comes around but it all just seems like no big deal to him. Either that or it's that I'm "over reacting".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Have you gone to individual counseling regarding your mom?


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## raybay24 (Jun 25, 2012)

No I never have.
The counselor we have been seeing has talked to me about it quite a bit, though. She brought up that she thinks I feel like I almost deserve to be treated with disrespect/neglect because it's how I've been treated by my mom. I try not to talk about the whole situation with her...when I actually would talk about it with my husband, he would always make it out to be "not a big deal" and tell me to not let it get to me. I don't think he realizes how deeply it has effected me as a whole. It's effected every aspect of me, yet he is unsympathetic almost.
We got into a fight a few months back because his mother was bad mouthing me on Facebook and I told him that I thought it was very immature and disrespectful and that I really wasn't a fan of her...his response was "Well you're mom is a drunk. It's not hard to dig up some dirt on you, so maybe you should think twice before you talk bad about my mom." I don't think I can ever be capable of fully forgiving him for that. It was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don't think he comprehends that I am his family now - not mommy and daddy...I come first.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

But its obvious you don't, isn't it?

Why are you protecting this "image" of him? 

He is exploiting some of your deepest pain for his own benefit.

You really need people in your life right now that love you unconditionally. Many times that is family, sometimes friends. The really good ones will understand its not about "sides".

Keep posting here, thats for sure!


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## raybay24 (Jun 25, 2012)

Yes, unfortunately. It's just a matter of figuring out what I want to do next. Things slightly improved with the counseling...I just don't know if I can bare the thought of him being with another woman. Or be able to handle not having him in my life. I keep thinking and hoping he will see how he has been acting and change. I don't know if I am blowing things out of proportion or somehow tilting the picture so that it favors me. I'm so unsure of myself: who I am, what I want. It makes decision making that much more impossible.


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## raybay24 (Jun 25, 2012)

Thank you for responding by the way - I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

While its unrealistic for him to be a Nicholas Sparks character, you shouldn't feel like the only one trying.

Just one of the issues you are dealing with relationship-wise can be considered "deal breakers" Contact with ex, insulting your family, etc.

Individual counseling will help you both process trauma of the past and help you establish a sense of "self". This is not easy at 21, just leaving adolesence. I am struggling with this in IC myself!

Have you read up on codependency? Welcome: CoDA Home Page


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