# there's always been another woman...



## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

i just found out my husband of 8 months has been having an affair with a married woman the entire time we've been together - which is 18 months or so. from the moment we met, he's been texting, calling and meeting her for sex. it's my second marriage and his third. he has two sons, and i have one. we met and moved in together pretty quickly because we were so sure it was perfect. i believed that until just before New Years when I discovered they were texting thousands of times a month with each other. 

i had to break into our cellphone account to figure it out and they both denied it was more than friends, but then I checked his old cell phone and found out he's been with her in a sexual way and even considered her his soulmate. he told her he would wait for her until her husband died of cancer...when i found out he said she was a friend who had leukemia and needed him because her husband had cancer and was dying. all her friends left her and he was her only friend. 

over the course of the next week i found out they had been having sex every few months and as recently as a couple of months ago...he "doesn't remember" when exactly...he works in the restaurant world and is off during the week while i'm working, so this was easy to do after dropping our kids off at school since he was free and i was 45 minutes away at my job.

so now he swears the "truth" is all out there...he wanted to break it off, she threatened to tell me...he loves me, wants to work on our marriage...i'm his soulmate...

i don't believe him...found out from his ex that he cheated on her too, went to hotels with the woman which is what he did in this case. he has been sleeping with her and talking to her daily since we started dating. why move in with me? why date me? why marry me? it makes me sick. on the day i lost our baby and was hospitalized he couldn't get off work to be there, but he had plenty of time to text and talk to her on the phone...while i was heartbroken over losing a baby i wanted very much. 

i don't know that i can ever forgive him...i also don't know how i will ever trust him. he's saying all the right things, he put a gps locator on his phone, she's not texting or calling on our phone logs...but i still worry. it's so soon, i can't decide what to do. my gut says to take my son and leave, that we don't have children together, that he did this, i didn't push him to an affair, he never gave US a chance alone at all, she's always been there...but my heart says to try to work it out, because i love him...but i can't even trust he loves me when it was saying it to someone else a few weeks ago, texting her "good morning beautiful" and arranging to meet in a hotel for sex....

what do i do??? how do i go on?? i can't take my share of the blame for a marriage gone wrong when this was going on from the beginning...how do i fix this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters expose his OW to her husband now, do not tell your husband you are doing this. Get your proof together and contact him. He deserves to know just as much as you do. 

secondly, this is not a case of having years of faithfulness and then having your husband cheat and then stop and show remorse, etc. This is deception from day one. I usually don't recommend straight out saying to divorce to many but in this case I will. You never had anything true with him. I know the 2 years or so youve had with him is a lot of time but it is relatively short and you can move on and find someone better.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

i'm beginning to realize that it was all a lie from the start. my biggest concern is our children and what another divorce will do to them. i know i can't stay in this marriage for the kids - my stepsons will be heartbroken and will never forgive their father and my son will be hurt as well. 

why expose the OWH to this? if he is sick, if he is dying, then why should i make him suffer more? his wife by her own admission in texts to my husband admits to being nothing better than a common *****...she told my husband she was dating other men, and my husband said he knew the OWH suspects something. my husband wants to tell him though, feels like her life should be ruined like his, but he's just the one that got caught.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the OM because the OM deserves to know. He is a man who's wife is running around, not giving him the attention or love he deserves, and who knows what she's doing with their joint money.

So him some respect as another human being and share the truth with him. 

If someone had shared it with you - you could have avoided wasting a marriage and 18 months with your husband.

As for your marriage, your married to a serial cheater. Not a guy who found his soul mate after he married you, not a guy who got too drunk and had a ONS after being egged on by his buddies.

No, this is a guy who already trashed his previous marriage(s) by cheating, was cheating from the very start of you dating him, was cheating when he asked you to marry, was cheating when you got married, was cheating when you were pregnant, and would continue to cheat if you didn't catch him.

Cheating is a way of life for him.

You do not want a guy with those morals in your life or especially in the lives of your children.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> why expose the OWH to this? if he is sick, if he is dying, then why should i make him suffer more?


An he may not be sick or even that sick. Cheaters lie, to their SO, to themselves, and to their partners.

You aren't going to hurt him - she has. You are only going to share the truth.

Perhaps she's just hanging around to get his money - perhaps if he dumps her he'll give it all to his kids instead of her?

The point is you don't know what he'll do - but he is an adult man who has the right to know the truth and do with it what he decides to do.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

you're right. if i knew how to contact him, I would consider doing so, but to be honest, I don't. i only learned of the OW 2 weeks ago and while i have the basics for her, I am not 100% sure of who he is. I would say I know with 95% certainty that the man I located on facebook is him, but what if I'm wrong? and as for proof, what do I give him? i texted with his wife who confirmed her affair with my husband? i deleted those texts. i could tell him to check their phone logs but she would probably explain it away with the "friends" thing...besides, he's met my husband supposedly as "good friends" with the wife. do i send him pictures of the texts from 2009 - before i came into the picture - wherein his wife is texting that she's going to meet him when he gets off work? what kind of proof is required in this situation? i'm being serious, i mean, even when i found 300-400 texts a day between them, i was almost swayed by the "friends bc she needs me" speech.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's slime.

You don't deserve this.

File divorce and leave him with his slime-ball behavior.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You don't have to prove anything. Just tell him. tell him you are separating from the husband too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are telling him what you know. you're not there to prove it to him, or anything other than tell him what you know to be the truth.

you aren't even out to convince him that you're right.

you are only sharing you knowledge and telling him what he does next is entirely up to him.

give him your cell # or contact info if he wants to ask anything else later.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

what if he isn't the right guy? i mean, granted, it's highly likely that he is the right X married to Y when their names are so unique and in the right city, but what if he isn't? i've never met either of them... what if i tell the wrong man his wife is cheating on him with my husband and it causes them problems?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> what if he isn't the right guy? i mean, granted, it's highly likely that he is the right X married to Y when their names are so unique and in the right city, but what if he isn't? i've never met either of them... what if i tell the wrong man his wife is cheating on him with my husband and it causes them problems?


Ask him. Are you X married to Y. Have you met my husband Z.

btw - sometimes these things are best done in person and not by msg over FB.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

if this is the guy, then he's a performer, i could probably arrange to attend one of his performances. they live well over an hour from me, so it's not a quick drive that i could hide, but i could probably figure it out to arrange a chance meet up somewhere. 

can't believe i'm considering being the bearer of bad news for this guy. however, a glance through his facebook page clearly shows a man in love with his wife - and that breaks my heart for him. he doesn't deserve this.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Do your husband and OW know you deleted the texts? If OW still believes you have evidence, her husband may be able to bluff a confession out of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> if this is the guy, then he's a performer, i could probably arrange to attend one of his performances. they live well over an hour from me, so it's not a quick drive that i could hide, but i could probably figure it out to arrange a chance meet up somewhere.
> 
> can't believe i'm considering being the bearer of bad news for this guy. however, a glance through his facebook page clearly shows a man in love with his wife - and that breaks my heart for him. he doesn't deserve this.


No, don't do it at his work.

If her's a performer that means he has time free during the day perhaps? If so have a "doctor's" appointment and go see him and talk to him


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

I have the old cellphone of my husband's wherein they exchanged texts of a sexual nature including pictures and discussions about how she was cheating on her husband. That's how I found out it was more than friends. I read 429 texts he sent her and her responses from 2 years ago, that coupled with the current text log from last month wherein there were 3350 texts between the two of them would be pretty hard proof to refute. 

My husband didn't get rid of the phone, it's sitting beside our bed on his nightstand. He didn't delete the texts either. I'm not sure if he's so stupid or what his reasoning is for keeping the phone with the proof of his sexual relationship with her out in the open.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

from his FB profile he has a full-time job and is a country performer in the area. it will be difficult to catch up with him but i'll see if i can make it work. i know you're right, he has a right to know, but I have to plan my exit strategy carefully, I have three kids to consider, even if two of them aren't biologically mine. I still have been their mother and caregive for a over a year and I need them to be taken care of when I leave. Their mother is getting them ready for a counselor and mine, well, we'll be moving to Grandma's to finish out the school year and get financially back in good standing. 

that's the other thing he's done...messed up the financials so bad, things don't get paid on time, they're late, i had not idea as I gave him so much each month so he could pay the bills and then i paid for certain things, like food, out of my checking account. Now we have to get certified checks to pay the rent and i have to hand deliver them so i know it's actually been sent. i hate having to do that and i hate that i didn't know about it until it was too late, that he hid it from me until i had to sell jewelry to come up with the back rent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did he cheat on his ex-wife with this OW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> i just found out my husband of 8 months has been having an affair with a married woman the entire time we've been together - which is 18 months or so. from the moment we met, he's been texting, calling and meeting her for sex. it's my second marriage and his third. he has two sons, and i have one. we met and moved in together pretty quickly because we were so sure it was perfect. i believed that until just before New Years when I discovered they were texting thousands of times a month with each other.
> 
> i had to break into our cellphone account to figure it out and they both denied it was more than friends, but then I checked his old cell phone and found out he's been with her in a sexual way and even considered her his soulmate. he told her he would wait for her until her husband died of cancer...when i found out he said she was a friend who had leukemia and needed him because her husband had cancer and was dying. all her friends left her and he was her only friend.
> 
> ...


Not being there when you lost your baby would have been a deal breaker for me. And he was texting her at the time? wow.

Is love enough?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

You're doing the right thing, way to go. You seem like a strong woman. It takes a lot of strength to leave, and you're smart to understand that staying for the kids is a poor decision.


good luck with the exposure. Maybe if he's terminally ill, he'll change his Will and leave his wife nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. He never gave you a chance. Leaving him is the best thing you can do. 

If you are concerned about your children and his losing each other, could you children and his get together when they are with their mother? Maybe you and their mother could exchange sitting to give each other time to do things. Don't know if you would be comfortable with this. But thought I'd put the idea out there.

One thing you can do is to text her husband via facebook. If it's home tell him you have something that he needs to know. That you want to meet. Then meet him half way between wherever he is and where you are. That way neither of you drives a long distance.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

my stepsons' mother knows the situation and has agreed to continue to allow me to see the children if I decide to leave. The boys have been apart of my entire extended family for over 18 months and it's not fair that they should lose all of us because of their father. of course, she could always change her mind. my husband is notoriously difficult with her and i imagine he could cause a stink, but until that happens, I'll continue to get my time with the boys. Especially since I'm their sole caregiver 90% of the time they are with us. 

OW wasn't the cause of his breakup with the boys' mother, but she's been in his life for about 6 years. Their mother knows about her and thought he'd given her up when he met me, she said he told her he had. 

i'm far from strong, i'm so drained and worn out right now with all of this. to top it all off, i could be pregnant. we'd been trying in earnest just as all this was blowing up and i won't know for another week. it's driving me nuts! i won't stay with him for a child's sake, but it sure will make things more complicated.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

as far as losing the baby goes, he is the general manager of a restaurant in a chain. we found out on a thursday i lost the baby and had to schedule a d&c for Friday, his bosses were in the restaurant and he never asked them if he could be with me on Friday. My parents went with me. I'm 39 years old and married and my parents had to be there. That was tough.

on top of that, i had the procedure done at a catholic hospital and signed some paperwork without reading it, i ended up giving them permission to dispose of the fetus "respectfully"...a month later i got a funeral notice for my child in the mail and had to sit through a memorial service and a gravesite service - without my husband. i would never have chosen to participate but once i knew they were burying my child I couldn't not be there. my mother went and we were the only two people there for all 13 babies they were burying. burying that child, being asked if i wanted to hold that unborn childrens' urn, was the hardest day of my life. 

but you're right, i've known for a while how self-centered he is and it's bothered me, but i figured everyone handled grief differently. now i know he was texting and talking to her the night i lost the baby and the day of the funeral, while i was at the funeral he was texting his girlfriend.

it looks so black and white when you read this. how could i have ever thought i could let him prove his love to me? how could i even think about giving him a second chance?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like he was having An affair w the OW when married to his ex wife. You also said he is very difficult when dealing with his ex. That speaks volumes about him. He was busy texting women while you were grieving. 18 months isn't that long for all this drama so my advice is to cut your losses and move on. What did he say the reason for his divorce was? How long ago was his divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

he told me his first wife cheated on him with his best man - this was a marriage in his early 20s, then with his 2nd wife, the boys' mother, he said they just shouldn't have gotten married and they were too different to be together, so they divorced. i only found out these past two weeks that he cheated on her with two other women and that he had been going to hotels. His ex didn't mean to tell me, she thought i knew. she was upset with him over something else and when i picked up the kids she mentioned the name of the OW. i asked what she knew of her and it all came out. the ex said he met the OW shortly after they separated. 

two kittens he came into this relationship with were from the OW - her cat had kittens and he took two for the boys, so i now have to look at the cats and think of the OW...i have never liked those cats...and now i like them less...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Are you willing to accept a life with a serial cheater. You know he will never stop. Think about it, he cares only about himself and his needs. He couldn`t care less that you lost a fetus, and went through a burial. Where was he? texting OW. He brought home `gifts`` from OW that are still in the home, they will be constant triggers for you for as long as they`re their.

Are you thinking of staying???


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## mai (Jan 16, 2012)

move on no point in staying in this relationsip









BrknHearted said:


> i just found out my husband of 8 months has been having an affair with a married woman the entire time we've been together - which is 18 months or so. from the moment we met, he's been texting, calling and meeting her for sex. it's my second marriage and his third. he has two sons, and i have one. we met and moved in together pretty quickly because we were so sure it was perfect. i believed that until just before New Years when I discovered they were texting thousands of times a month with each other.
> 
> i had to break into our cellphone account to figure it out and they both denied it was more than friends, but then I checked his old cell phone and found out he's been with her in a sexual way and even considered her his soulmate. he told her he would wait for her until her husband died of cancer...when i found out he said she was a friend who had leukemia and needed him because her husband had cancer and was dying. all her friends left her and he was her only friend.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> as far as losing the baby goes, he is the general manager of a restaurant in a chain. we found out on a thursday i lost the baby and had to schedule a d&c for Friday, his bosses were in the restaurant and he never asked them if he could be with me on Friday. My parents went with me. I'm 39 years old and married and my parents had to be there. That was tough.
> 
> on top of that, i had the procedure done at a catholic hospital and signed some paperwork without reading it, i ended up giving them permission to dispose of the fetus "respectfully"...a month later i got a funeral notice for my child in the mail and had to sit through a memorial service and a gravesite service - without my husband. i would never have chosen to participate but once i knew they were burying my child I couldn't not be there. my mother went and we were the only two people there for all 13 babies they were burying. burying that child, being asked if i wanted to hold that unborn childrens' urn, was the hardest day of my life.
> 
> ...


The bit about losing your loss is a hard one to forgive. That he did not want to go to the funeral, not even to support you is not a good thing.

I gave birth to still born twins years ago. I did get to hold them right after they died. But I could not get a funeral for them... it was the strangest thing. While holding the urn might have been hard. I'm glad you had a funeral for your child.

When I lost the twins I was in the hospital for a week due to complications. My husband hardly came around. We'd only been married a bit over a year. It went down hill from there. He cheated for the entire marriage, though I did not really find this out until later. We were married 14 years.

I think I understand a lot of what you are going through and how him not being there for you with your loss has hurt. And now it probably hurts more when you realize what he was up to.


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