# I've been coping so long I don't know what to do anymore



## Saturn (Aug 16, 2011)

Brand new to this forum, hope I can find some good advice...

My wife and I have been married 18+ years, have kids 12, 14, & 16. She has been depressed for years, tried meds and counseling but nothing changes. She is a stay at home mom and bottom line feels she has sacrificed for me and our kids and never gotten anything for herself to show for it. Most days she is depressed and as a result complains about EVERYTHING. The kids never do enough or do a poor job (and as a result they feel she wants them to be perfect). When I try to help by making a suggestion she always counters with "Don't try to fix me" or "That's obvious." Makes me feel like a fool.

She talks about suicide at least once a month, saying she hates the way people live and destroy the earth and animals through their selfishness. Says she wishes god would take her away - but won't ever kill herself because she does not want to set that example for her kids. She feels abandoned by family, friends, and god. 

Topping it off was my nearly 2 years of being unemployed from 2008 to 2010. Our savings were wiped out but we did not go bankrupt. We had to move out of state for the job I landed, so now we live where we don't know anyone and she feels totally alone. Finances are very tight with the new job (pays 30% less than previous job) so I can't do things like buy gifts, send her to a spa retreat, or fly her somewhere for R&R.

She has physical issues with her neck, back, and hands. In the past we have done all the work on our homes in order to be able to afford it (we have no debt) and now she is depressed by being too old and in too much pain to be able to do even simple work on our new house, like painting. 

She seems to be frustrated by something everyday, calling me at work about the computer not working or email not responding or kids fighting. Its always something. Yesterday it was our kid's email sending viruses out to all their contacts. She could not delete the account. I started to say how that problem might be fixed and she interrupted me mid-sentence with "Don't you think I already thought of that? But it takes too long and I don't have time to do that...." followed by a long dialog about how she has sacrificed for everyone and she will never get what she wants and this is just another example of how she spends her time helping everyone else. I was stunned and held my tongue. 

She's the type who says "I'll be happy when...." Happy when our house sells (it did), happy when I get a job (I did), happy when we get the move done (it is), happy when school starts so the kids are gone (3 weeks away), etc. I tell her happiness comes from inside and she says no it does not, it comes from having what you want and she has never had what she wants. 

She says she has made choices to make her kids happy and as a result has no life and its now too late for her to have one, plus she can never do what she wants to do since she chose to have kids instead. She knows this was her choice, and hates herself for it. She saw a doctor the other day and he said she is depressed and needs counseling.

I am numb and have no idea what to do. I know I have not done a good job explaining the situation, but any help or advice would be most welcome. Thanks!


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## Saturn (Aug 16, 2011)

Update - Last night my wife announced she is done with being a mother to our kids, they are old enough to take care of themselves. She is going to concentrate on herself and only do things that benefit her. She will shop for her own food and have a separate space in the fridge for her food. As of today I am to do the shopping for the family. Once the kids start school in a few weeks, she will be available after school to pick them up but not during school, so if someone gets sick then they stay at school all day or I have to leave work to pick them up.

I get up to go to work hours before she gets up. This morning just before I left she came out of the bedroom convinced that she had heard me leave and then heard footsteps on the stairs, so that meant someone had broken into the house. Behind her back she held our semi-auto pistol, loaded and ready to shoot. I walked the entire house and convinced her no one was there. I then told her she probably imagined the noise as part of a dream. She got very mad at that and said she does not make things up and she heard the sounds. When I pointed out that no one had used the stairs or driven in our driveway, she made up far-fetched explanations rather than consider that she was half asleep and her imagination took over when she heard some distant sound.

My oldest daughter told me she thinks mommy's lost it. So do I. She has called me at work three times today, angry at one thing or another. When I tell her that maybe she should take a break and have some time to chill out, she gets even madder and has all sorts of reasons why she has to do what she's doing.

I tried to tell her last night that when she cuts herself off from the family in one way (shopping), it will inevitably spill over into other areas, particularly in regards to emotions. In other words, she will end up being cut off emotionally to some extent from the rest of the family and me. She did not seem to get this point, probably because I didn't make it very clearly.

She then went into details of how our kids don't do what they are supposed to do and that's the big reason why she is so upset. My oldest heard her, came in the room, and calmly refuted every one of her points. Turns out our daughter did what she was asked to do but my wife remembered it wrong and used the false memories to justify being angry and cutting herself off from the family. When I pointed this out, she became very angry, yelled at me and my daughter, and stormed out of the room.

I'm really hoping someone out there can help me out.

THANKS!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Sounds a lot like my spouse, except mine cycles through this several times a week. She seems to calm down when I listen and empathize with her (and when one of the kids does something). It will often turn verbally abusive in some form (false memories - check) and if I don't call her on it - will continue in some form - hence just "being there" for her to vent, seems to help most.

My condolences to you, Saturn. No one (especially the kids) deserve to live with this kind of crap. Wish I had answers for you (and me!)


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I have seen depression in many differnt forms and it really seems as if that depression is not her only problem. Have you tried maybe a second counseler? I am sorry but you may also want to think about removing the firearms from the house for a little bit.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I feel for you and the situation you find yourself.
I hope you've talked to your children about their mother's mental illness. I've been dealing with my H recurrent major depression for some time and I've had to tell the children more than once "Dad doesn't mean that." They know what depression is and that it impacts the way he reacts to certain things.
Take care or yourself and your children.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

You really, really need to get the guns out of the house NOW. Have you thought about doing that? If not, why?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Saturn, I agree with UpHillBattle and Dazed that you should remove the guns immediately. I also agree with UpHillBattle that the behavior you describe seems to go well beyond that of depression. It thus could be the result of a personality disorder (PD) that causes depression as a side effect. Yet, if that is the case, you would have seen red flags throughout the 18 years of marriage, starting soon after the marriage if not earlier. PDs typically start showing themselves in the teens and, thereafter, do not lie hidden for years. I therefore ask how long your W has been exhibiting this dysfunctional behavior? Also, did she experience abuse or abandonment in childhood? Finally, does she complain of having fribromyalgia (i.e., pains that move from area to area in her body)?


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