# Well, it looks like we will be parting ways...



## dennisg1

Hi,

I'm referencing my other post below.

Wife always craves more affection to feel loved & I feel like I can never measure up!

Well, it looks like we will be parting ways...

I was out of the house for a little over a month and based on conversations I've had with her during that time it didn't seem like were trying to rekindle the relationship at all. So I decided that I'm tired of living out of my suit case and moved back into the house so we can work on the next steps.

We were always good together so it's not hard living with her; it's like we are back to our roommate status that we were at before I left.

So the other day I was like, so this is what we are doing then (talking about divorce)? And she comes back with "I don't know what choice is the right one to make"; meaning divorce or staying together and try to rekindle the relationship. This frustrates me because the conversations we have had and what she says, only seems to point towards divorce. Nothing she has said ever comes back to giving us another shot. 

Currently, I've been doing more research on this whole divorce process but we just haven't pulled the trigger yet.

I've been trying to wrap my head around the divorce route so I've been doing things for myself to make me feel better. I've been going to the gym again, eating healthy, which helped me drop a bunch of weight, and I've also been fixing things around the house so it's more presentable when we go sell it.

Lately I've been getting annoyed at her and not really sure how to respond to her because she will say things like "of course you would do these things now and the next girl is going to have the best version of you" / "you are doing all the things that I needed and wanted you to want to do now".

This pisses me off because she basically discounts all the other multitude of things that I do as her husband. I'm not talking about just doing things around the house but how I treat her with respect, the way I show my love towards her, the way I would make her smile/laugh all the time, the way we could be silly around each other, etc. 

She always focuses on what things I don't do, but the funny part is I still end up doing those things around the house; maybe I don't jump off the counch immediatelly when she asks me to do something but I usually get to it over the weekend when I have more time to work on the house.

It has always felt like an "I need this, I need that from YOU in order for ME to be happy" type of relationship. How about appreciating all the good things about me and not trying to change me to the expectations of what you want this relationship to be like. Where is the "I'll do this for my husband, because I know it will make HIM happy" type of thinking?


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## *Deidre*

No one can MAKE someone happy. If that's her thinking of what marriage is about...she'll likely be in the same place with a new guy. Sorry you find yourself here, but doesn't sound like you're both compatible, and it could honestly come down to...she has unrealistic expectations of marriage.  If you've truly done your very best to show love to your wife, and it's never enough, then parting ways might be best. It sucks to be in a relationship where the person is endlessly finding faults with you.


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## KevinZX

Selfish woman, sorry but that is how i read it, a bell struck when i read this post, it sounds a lot like my wife, moaning about the things i don't do instead of concentrating on the stuff i accomplish, like taking her **** for 28 years, no mention of that but the wheelie bins need taking out or some other mundane stuff, funny in retrospect but bloody annoying at the time. You have all my sympathies, your wife doesn't respect you enough to stop pestering you about he little stuff, she never will respect you, time for a change maybe, keep getting fitter, lose the weight, eat the right foods, this will bug her more than you think, DIY the hell out your house also, knock in loads of nails, it is a great stress reliever. 

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## chillymorn69

Whats she doing to make the house more better?


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## aine

dennisg1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm referencing my other post below.
> 
> Wife always craves more affection to feel loved & I feel like I can never measure up!
> 
> Well, it looks like we will be parting ways...
> 
> I was out of the house for a little over a month and based on conversations I've had with her during that time it didn't seem like were trying to rekindle the relationship at all. So I decided that I'm tired of living out of my suit case and moved back into the house so we can work on the next steps.
> 
> We were always good together so it's not hard living with her; it's like we are back to our roommate status that we were at before I left.
> 
> So the other day I was like, so this is what we are doing then (talking about divorce)? And she comes back with "I don't know what choice is the right one to make"; meaning divorce or staying together and try to rekindle the relationship. This frustrates me because the conversations we have had and what she says, only seems to point towards divorce. Nothing she has said ever comes back to giving us another shot.
> 
> Currently, I've been doing more research on this whole divorce process but we just haven't pulled the trigger yet.
> 
> I've been trying to wrap my head around the divorce route so I've been doing things for myself to make me feel better. I've been going to the gym again, eating healthy, which helped me drop a bunch of weight, and I've also been fixing things around the house so it's more presentable when we go sell it.
> 
> Lately I've been getting annoyed at her and not really sure how to respond to her because she will say things like "of course you would do these things now and the next girl is going to have the best version of you" / "you are doing all the things that I needed and wanted you to want to do now".
> 
> This pisses me off because she basically discounts all the other multitude of things that I do as her husband. I'm not talking about just doing things around the house but how I treat her with respect, the way I show my love towards her, the way I would make her smile/laugh all the time, the way we could be silly around each other, etc.
> 
> She always focuses on what things I don't do, but the funny part is I still end up doing those things around the house; maybe I don't jump off the counch immediatelly when she asks me to do something but I usually get to it over the weekend when I have more time to work on the house.
> 
> It has always felt like an "I need this, I need that from YOU in order for ME to be happy" type of relationship. How about appreciating all the good things about me and not trying to change me to the expectations of what you want this relationship to be like. Where is the "I'll do this for my husband, because I know it will make HIM happy" type of thinking?



Your problem is a classic one, he wants more respect and appreciation, she wants more love and affection. You both talk in your different love languages and talk past each other and dig in your heals as you think your SO should be talking to you the way you can hear. So so classic.
It is a pity that so many marriages fall by the way side because of this very thing.

You guys should read this book

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It Pat Love and Steve Stosny.

Read this little summary which gives you an idea of why you are at cross purposes

Women want to talk to get that connection
Men see it as overkill and 'the talk' is to criticism him. He shows his love through working, doing jobs around the house
Her, he doesn't love me, otherwise he would spend time with me, not go tinkering in the garden,etc

http://www.smartmarriage.com/uploaded/handout.Stosny.Love.w.o.talking.501.08.pdf

Also listen to the podcasts Love and Respect by Etheridge


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## arbitrator

*You don't deserve the results of all of this incessant, chaotic game playing! 

If she can't begin to compromise on some happy medium between what your needs and her needs are, then she doesn't really need to have you around!

Fact of the matter is that she probably could never reach any form of workable compromise with any man in her life!

It's always been said that "no man (or woman) is an island!" Apparently she is!*


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## 3Xnocharm

You should stop looking to her for approval/permission for divorce. She isnt making an effort, so just go about your business and get it filed.


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## Taxman

You have an incredibly selfish wife who cannot see that her actions are driving the divorce. She will never see what she is doing is driving you out the door, and when you are successful in your next relationship with a woman who will appreciate you, your ex will despise you for having a better life without her. Please, go have a better life.


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## jb02157

Seems like you are the one that's doing anything to try to rekindle the relationship. She probably knows that she stands to receive half of everything and doesn't mind if she has to sacrifice the marriage to get it. For some making all the money and doing all the household chores isn't enough.


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## 3Xnocharm

I reread your opening post on your previous thread. You have resentment towards her because you dont like that her primary need is affection. You stated:

"It saddens me that I'm not able to make her feel truly loved and I hate that I do the things she likes but then fall back to my normal ways of showing that I love her. However, another part of me resents her for not accepting the way that I show love. When we use to get into fights about this I would say if you are so unhappy with me, this relationship, why are you still with me? She would say because she loves me, but I don't accept that answer anymore if you really love me and want to be with me then you have to stop bringing this discussion up all the time because it's killing our marriage."

My suggestions would be to go through with divorce. Find a woman who's needs match what you are willing to give. It isnt fair to her for you to resent what she needs, and that you refuse to meet those needs beyond a short period to try and placate her. You are being unfair to her. You said that her primary need is affection, what exactly does that entail? Did the two of you do the questionnaires from either His Needs, Her Needs, or the 5 Love Languages together? For example, I have done both and my primary need/love language is physical touch. I know that I cannot be with someone who does not show me physical affection, and I need a partner who either has the same primary need, or is at least willing to accept it from me. When I love someone, I have a great need to touch them, and not everyone can deal with that. I am more than willing to meet their primary need as well, its not like any of the love languages is to assault them daily or anything, lol. You dont sound willing to do what she needs. 

Anyway. If you are unwilling to meet her needs, then she in turn will not meet yours. My advice would be to end things and go your own ways.


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## Satya

You complain about her making you responsible for her happiness when you are making HER responsible for deciding whether the marriage will continue or end in divorce. 

Take control of what YOU want, and act. Her inaction and "I don't know" attitude is not going to provide any forward momentum. The action must begin somewhere, so let it begin with you.


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## dennisg1

Just a little follow up on my sh***y situation...

I ended up finding out that she had an emotional affair that then led to a physical affair for over a year. I never thought my wife was capable of doing something like this, we always valued each other's trust/respect towards one another so finding out was a complete shock to me. 

The worst part is how long she carried this on while still dragging me to therapy. I would say "if you're not 100% checked in anymore then there is no point in me still trying and for us to continue therapy when you have emotionally checked out" and she would say "I don't if this what I want, it's hard to picture you not in my life"; so I was always in the dark, I thought we were working towards getting back together meanwhile she was checked out but still wouldn't give me a clear answer that we were done. 

I found out that she was texting this guy 115 times a day and talking to him 20-50 minutes a day; that's crazy I don't think I ever texted someone that much in a day. The most hurtful / disturbing thing was finding out that this was going on for over a year; when I was celebrating the holidays with her family, when we weren't talking about divorce at that time, and things felt good in our relationship. 

So when we finally decided that divorce was the best thing for us after we tried separating for a month, we were going to do an "amicable divorce" because for the most part we were still good friends; this was before I found out about the year long affair. 

I just don't know how she was able to pull this off for so long and not feel any remorse or guilt about doing this. I would never be able to pull something like this off because it would kill me inside. I always told her that if either one of us was ever unhappy that we should file for divorce and never cheat on one another. She would always say I never want to hurt you, that's the last thing I would ever want to do but in the end those were just empty words.

The part that pisses me off is once we decided to get a divorce, I was doing all the legwork in filling out the paperwork and getting the house ready to be sold. Meanwhile she was talking to this guy behind my back, and only once I found out, is when she felt guilty or remorse because she hurt me. However, she had no problem before me finding out and she would of rode off on her white horse and would have had me constantly thinking if there was more I could have done; that's the part that hurst the most. If she was willing to carry this on for over a year, she should have had the respect/loyalty towards me to come up to me right when she starting talking to this guy and say it's over instead of leading me on to believe we were working to stay together.

I might have not loved her the way she needed to be loved but I was always respectful, loyal, and loved her the way I knew how to show love. I would have never hurt her in this way and I would have never thought she was capable of this but I guess I was wrong.

She has put me through such a emotional roller coaster of always making me feel like I didn't do enough for her that I guess this is a blessing in disguise; especially since we don't have kids.


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## bandit.45

So when did you find out about the affair? Just within the last few days, or was this from prior to moving back in? I'm confused as to the timeline.


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## Lostinthought61

have you exposed her to the family...you need to do that ...she needs to own her crap.


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## dennisg1

bandit.45 said:


> So when did you find out about the affair? Just within the last few days, or was this from prior to moving back in? I'm confused as to the timeline.


I found out about the affair last month because I noticed a weird name text her when she had her phone laying around which sparked my interested. I never had any reason to not trust her so I wouldn't ever check her phone so next time she left her phone out I was compelled to check her texts and saw all these texts from this guy. 

That then made me want to look at our phone bill because we share the same plan and this is when I noticed that she started texting/talking to this guy since a year ago.

When I confronted her about this the first time she just tried to play it off that it was some guy that works with her sometimes but I know that's not true because I believe she was introduced to him by one of her co-workers. And she had the audacity to say to me, "and I'm not even going to bring up that you went through my phone without my permission"! I was like, are you crazy, you are having an affair behind my back, of course I'm going to look at your phone when I feel suspicious of something going on.



Lostinthought61 said:


> have you exposed her to the family...you need to do that ...she needs to own her crap.


When I first found out I wanted to tell her parents / family because she hurt me so bad but I calmed myself down because I wanted to at least have her sign the "uncontested" divorce forms agreeing to the terms we talked about. 

Of course, when I first found out she was crying and saying "you can have all money once the house sells, I don't deserve anything" but that quickly changed when she talked to her brother and her friends because we're in a "no-fault" state so even with an affair she would be entitled to a 50/50 property split even though she doesn't deserve it.

So once she signs the divorce forms, a part of me wants to tell her parents / family because I don't want them to think that she was this perfect wife; "sorry I didn't show love the same way you did or the way you specifically wanted but I never was disloyal to you". But then another part of me wants to just take the high road, get her out of my life / head, and let her just live with this guilt.


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## Lostinthought61

dennisg1 said:


> I found out about the affair last month because I noticed a weird name text her when she had her phone laying around which sparked my interested. I never had any reason to not trust her so I wouldn't ever check her phone so next time she left her phone out I was compelled to check her texts and saw all these texts from this guy.
> 
> That then made me want to look at our phone bill because we share the same plan and this is when I noticed that she started texting/talking to this guy since a year ago.
> 
> When I confronted her about this the first time she just tried to play it off that it was some guy that works with her sometimes but I know that's not true because I believe she was introduced to him by one of her co-workers. And she had the audacity to say to me, "and I'm not even going to bring up that you went through my phone without my permission"! I was like, are you crazy, you are having an affair behind my back, of course I'm going to look at your phone when I feel suspicious of something going on.
> 
> 
> 
> When I first found out I wanted to tell her parents / family because she hurt me so bad but I calmed myself down because I wanted to at least have her sign the "uncontested" divorce forms agreeing to the terms we talked about.
> 
> Of course, when I first found out she was crying and saying "you can have all money once the house sells, I don't deserve anything" but that quickly changed when she talked to her brother and her friends because we're in a "no-fault" state so even with an affair she would be entitled to a 50/50 property split even though she doesn't deserve it.
> 
> So once she signs the divorce forms, a part of me wants to tell her parents / family because I don't want them to think that she was this perfect wife; "sorry I didn't show love the same way you did or the way you specifically wanted but I never was disloyal to you". But then another part of me wants to just take the high road, get her out of my life / head, and let her just live with this guilt.


Bull Crap...on the high road....let tell you what will happen when you are not there...she will tell every one what a lousy husband you were and nothing about her faults...EXPOSE.....otherwise i promise you will take the fall.


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## dennisg1

Lostinthought61 said:


> Bull Crap...on the high road....let tell you what will happen when you are not there...she will tell every one what a lousy husband you were and nothing about her faults...EXPOSE.....otherwise i promise you will take the fall.


Yeah, you're right; I think I will let her family know the whole truth after divorce documents are signed.

She has apologized to death and feels so sorry for hurting me, conveniently all after she got caught, but I feel like a part of her justifies her actions because we were going down the road of divorce. 

She would say to me "you don't know how lonely I was feeling for so long, and it doesn't excuse what I did but it was hard for me for so long". And I would tell her, "if you were so unhappy, why didn't you just file for divorce a year ago? why did you string me a long for another year while having an affair?". Her response to that was she didn't want to give up on us and she knew that I wasn't going to change so she either had to accept me or be unhappy. Then she had the nerve to say that she did want to end it and I didn't allow her to leave; like I had some ball and chain around her ankle stopping her from leaving. 

She had the balls to carry on this affair for over a year, but she couldn't come up to me a year ago and say I'm unhappy and this isn't working I want to file for divorce. I would have had so much more respect for her if she did this, and I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't want to be with me so she could have easily left; I wasn't stopping her so I don't know where she fabricated this from.


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## bandit.45

Expose everything to her family, your family and close friends: including how she gaslighted you and manipulated you into thinking everything was your fault, manipulated you into going through worthless marriage counseling while she was in the midst of her affair, and how she lied, lied, lied and what a lying liar she is. She is going to try to take you for everything. Don't let her take your rep.

Then go see a lawyer and educated yourself as to what your real rights are in a divorce. Right now you are just guessing. In fact, go see three lawyers for free consults and pick one you can work with. 

Many of us have been here a long time, and I can tell you just by the information you have provided, your WW is not going to be a good candidate for reconciliation. She is not remorseful, she is still lying and blame shifting, and is going on a smear campaign behind your back. You cannot make bricks without straw. She can't even offer you the minimum. Save yourself months of heartache and go see a lawyer immediately. Trust me. I'm trying to save you a lot of unnecessary grief.


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## bandit.45

dennisg1 said:


> Yeah, you're right; I think I will let her family know the whole truth after divorce documents are signed.
> 
> No. BEFORE. Before she does more damage.
> 
> She has apologized to death and feels so sorry for hurting me, conveniently all after she got caught, but I feel like a part of her justifies her actions because we were going down the road of divorce.
> 
> Tell her words are cheap. Throw her an encyclopedia. Say "Here. Have some words...all the words you want. Keep the book."
> 
> 
> She would say to me "you don't know how lonely I was feeling for so long, and it doesn't excuse what I did but it was hard for me for so long". And I would tell her, "if you were so unhappy, why didn't you just file for divorce a year ago? why did you string me a long for another year while having an affair?". Her response to that was she didn't want to give up on us and she knew that I wasn't going to change so she either had to accept me or be unhappy. Then she had the nerve to say that she did want to end it and I didn't allow her to leave; like I had some ball and chain around her ankle stopping her from leaving.
> 
> Stop having these conversations with her. It is a moot issue. She cheated and you are divorcing her. That is the only reality.
> 
> She had the balls to carry on this affair for over a year, but she couldn't come up to me a year ago and say I'm unhappy and this isn't working I want to file for divorce. I would have had so much more respect for her if she did this, and I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't want to be with me so she could have easily left; I wasn't stopping her so I don't know where she fabricated this from.
> 
> She needed to keep you around as a safe backup in case her knight decided he didn't want her on the back of his horse. You were her safe landing pad.


I recommend that starting today you start implementing the 180. 


*THE 180 *

*1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes*


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## dennisg1

@bandit.45 thanks for the helpful replies!

I kicked her out of the house when I found out and she's staying at her brother's house now. She gives me this sob story now how she's not comfortable staying there and she wants to get an apartment but then won't have enough money to pay for the rent and also her part of the mortgage. I told her those are not my problems, and you shouldn't leave your brother's house until the house is sold then.

We rarely communicate now unless it's about the progress of the house selling / divorce process.

I've been definitely following a majority of the things on the 180 list. I've been losing weight, working out, going out with friends as much as I can, and even planning some vacations in the near future. But when I'm alone I tend to overthink if there were things I could have done differently to show her more love/affection but I guess I can't Monday morning QB this thing now. I feel like I was a good husband and did a lot for her, so if she collapsed this marriage just because she needed more love/affection, since her love tank never seemed to get filled, than maybe she would have never been happy with me and she would have done this again in the future if I stayed with her; so I'm glad I found all of this out now instead of 10 years down the road when we had kids.


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## bandit.45

dennisg1 said:


> @bandit.45
> I've been definitely following a majority of the things on the 180 list. I've been losing weight, working out, going out with friends as much as I can, and even planning some vacations in the near future. But when I'm alone I tend to overthink if there were things I could have done differently to show her more love/affection but I guess I can't Monday morning QB this thing now. I feel like I was a good husband and did a lot for her, so if she collapsed this marriage just because she needed more love/affection, since her love tank never seemed to get filled, than maybe she would have never been happy with me and she would have done this again in the future if I stayed with her; so I'm glad I found all of this out now instead of 10 years down the road when we had kids.


It takes two to make a marriage work. Ask yourself, objectively, was she always a 100% perfect wife before her affair? Was she always helpful, loving, kind, patient, thoughtful? Did she always put your needs and wants before hers? Sit down and make a list. It helps to write it down. Then once you do, keep that list handy for whenever you get doubts. 

Nothing you did or did not do for her justified her cheating on you. Nothing. She cheated because at her core she is flawed and in many respects broken. It had nothing to do with you.


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## time4achange

Last week I kicked out my husband after I found out that he was texting a girl that we almost separated 4 yrs ago to the date. Then he told me he is just so unhappy with his life and everything in it. We have been together for 22 yrs and married for 18. We have 3 of our kids and I have 1 from a high school boyfriend. 

I thought our marriage was ok and then bam get hit in the face!! 

Needing some advice please!!!


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## lifeistooshort

time4achange said:


> Last week I kicked out my husband after I found out that he was texting a girl that we almost separated 4 yrs ago to the date. Then he told me he is just so unhappy with his life and everything in it. We have been together for 22 yrs and married for 18. We have 3 of our kids and I have 1 from a high school boyfriend.
> 
> I thought our marriage was ok and then bam get hit in the face!!
> 
> Needing some advice please!!!


Please start your own thread..... you will get much more advice that way. 

Also provide as many details as you can, such as the history of your marriage and any issues you may have been having.


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## dennisg1

bandit.45 said:


> It takes two to make a marriage work. Ask yourself, objectively, was she always a 100% perfect wife before her affair? Was she always helpful, loving, kind, patient, thoughtful? Did she always put your needs and wants before hers? Sit down and make a list. It helps to write it down. Then once you do, keep that list handy for whenever you get doubts.
> 
> Nothing you did or did not do for her justified her cheating on you. Nothing. She cheated because at her core she is flawed and in many respects broken. It had nothing to do with you.


Thanks, you're right; I have to stop dwelling and thinking about this so much and realize I was too good to be with someone who would do something like this to a husband she supposedly loved and couldn't image being without. 

She would always say I try to be a good wife to you and would list a bunch of things off and then would follow it up with I know how important intimacy is to you but she would never do anything about it. I would always make a conscious effort to try to meet her affectionate needs but not once would she try to meet my intimate needs. 

So she definitely did not put my needs/wants before hers, but she had no problem telling me over and over what I had to change/do to make herself happy. She should have been asking me what she could have done to make me more happy and vice-a-versa.


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## bandit.45

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks, you're right; I have to stop dwelling and thinking about this so much and realize I was too good to be with someone who would do something like this to a husband she supposedly loved and couldn't image being without.
> 
> She would always say I try to be a good wife to you and would list a bunch of things off and then would follow it up with* I know how important intimacy is to you but she would never do anything about it. I would always make a conscious effort to try to meet her affectionate needs but not once would she try to meet my intimate needs.
> 
> *So she definitely did not put my needs/wants before hers, but she had no problem telling me over and over what I had to change/do to make herself happy. She should have been asking me what she could have done to make me more happy and vice-a-versa.


I hate to say this because I know you are hurting, but at some point early on she lost desire for you. It certainly had nothing to do with her libido, because she was all fired up to have sex with her OM, right? I doubt very highly that a shortage of affection and romance for you had anything to do with her shutting you down and refusing intimacy with you. I guarantee her OM was no more romantic or affectionate than you were. 

My take is she is one of those who "falls in love" easily but is incapable of forming a lasting, deeper committed love for another. We call these type "love addicts". She loves those heady, blissful emotions that accompany the early stages of limerance and falling in love, but once the shine of the romance wears off she is not able to love in an active, long term way. This is a deficiency that is relatable to some kind of personality disorder. Check this out and see if it pertains to her. 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/26/what-is-love-addiction/

Or...she is just a selfish little c--t...


----------



## dennisg1

@bandit.45 thanks for the link!

Yeah, I never heard of the term "love addicts" before but this definitely explains a lot. She definitely has self-esteem issues and likes to play "woe is me", this is one text that she sent me before.



> "Im the worst wife. I'm not excited about children, im scared for my body to be pregnant, im easily stressed, I'm a workaholic, I'm money hungry, I'm a control freak, I'm pessimistic and never satisfied despite all the good things I have."


And me trying to be the good husband, I would have to try to build her up again. I'm very optimistic so I would try to say things to her to hopefully make her see that things are not that bad for her and she has a good life.

She always use to say to me that she only got 1 good year of the honeymoon period with me, which I don't agree with. And I would say if you were so unhappy then why did you stick around for another 9 years. I always felt our life was very similar to other married couples that have been together for 10 years. The honeymoon stage doesn't last forever and I saw us as having a very solid partnership as we grew in our relationship. I'm not saying we weren't affectionate/loving towards each other, but obviously it's never like the very beginning.

Yes, I feel the OM was doing what any other guy would do when you're trying to sleep with a girl; so he was probably saying all the things she wanted to hear.


----------



## Marc878

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. If the guy is married you should inform his wife without any warning.

What you're getting is very typical cheaterspeak. She could care less about you or how you feel. Not believing that just keeps you in denial which won't get you ****.

You helping them hide their affair will just cause you less respect for yourself.


----------



## SunCMars

@dennisg1



> But then another part of me wants to just take the high road, get her out of my life / head, and let her just live with this guilt.


Dennis,

With her there is no high road, her trail leads to the smelly bayou. 
Leads to the the dirty cheating penis that she stuck in her VJ for a year.

She lost her virtue. She had another man's stake in her VJ.
She held another man's manhood in her palm.

The same palm that she secretly slapped you with.

You had a mirage, her Virtue was a figment in your mind.
Reality in the other man's pants.

Once the divorce is final, tell the truth.
She deserves a life of shame. She had none while doing the deed.
She still has none because 'no consequences equals no shame'.


----------



## syhoybenden

Get the free consult from all the top lawyers in your area. In most states if you get a free consult then that lawyer becomes unavailable to your spouse to retain. If you get the good lawyer and she gets the ambulance chaser you are assured of a better result in court, don't ya think?


----------



## Taxman

Once it is all said and done, please be a prick of the first order. Let everyone in her orbit know that she is a lowlife. I have former clients. She was, to be frank, nothing better than a prostitute, except she did not charge for her favors. She got caught. First thing is she tried to blackmail her H into staying in a sham marriage for her appearance sake. She was an executive with a Fortune 500 company. She absolutely had to save face. I counselled him to hold his water. Let the divorce go through. The financial settlement was iron-clad. She had to buy him out of a gigantic home with a steep mortgage. She said that she had to literally drain all of her investments, but she'd make it back in short order. Since everything was signed, sealed and delivered, we did a conference call to her HR department. She was a senior VP who had an affair with a lower level paper pusher, because she could. We identified her, her lover and where in the building they were fuxking. One and one half hours later, my client gets the phone call of all phone calls. YOU KNEW I WAS AGAINST THE WALL FINANCIALLY AND YOU ENDED MY CAREER ?!?!?!

His line, you fuxked me so I fuxked you. Best revenge ever. She, apparently took a sales job, but it will be years if not a decade to rebuild, if she can. Her industry, is very much in the court of younger people, and she is already in her 40's, so a rebuild, while not thoroughly out of the realm of possibilities, can be doubtful. My client has absolutely no guilt over this. Now, I have also set him up with another client who also suffered at the hands of a cheating bastard. She is cute and sweet. Perfect for him. Hope they get together, make children and have a great life together. He deserves it, he went through hell for no good reason.


----------



## dennisg1

Just wanted to give an update on my situation.

Well a couple weeks ago STBXW's friend's husbands inivted me out with them to a bar. At first I was hesitant but then decided to go. We all had a good time but I couldn't hold back and I told them about the cheating. I wasn't surprised that they didn't know anything about it and I truly wonder if my STBXW's friends even knew the whole story or if they decided not to tell their husbands. The day after one of her friend's husbands ended up calling me because he was in the dog house, and his wife owed it to tell STBXW that I opened up to everyone; which she didn't take well and the water works started. 

Anyway a couple days later she asks if there is anyone else in her circle that I told just so she could better prepare her self for a reply, I told her "no, that was it". Then she goes into that it was "inappropriate" that I told her friend's husbands because she hasn't got around to tell all her friends yet; which I responded don't talk to me about what's "inappropriate" or not. She then goes into, "I can't talk to you about anything without you always going back to the cheating and every time I feel like we are in a good place you still continue to want to hurt and punish me". I then said that she doesn't have the right to tell me who I can or can't talk to about this, and I will keep on bringing it up especially if you use words like "inappropriate" on me.

I told her that I consider those guys my friends as well, and they reached out to me; I didn't call them. She said that her friends are to blame as well because they should have ran it by her first. I haven't heard from the husbands since then, but I don't blame them, because I'm sure their wives have told them that they can't contact me anymore.

She goes on to say how I don't see this as an issue hanging out with her circle of friends. I told her that if they invite me to play golf, go to a bar, etc. with just the guys I don't see it as a problem. I told her if she didn't cheat and I hung out with them then there would have been nothing she needed to worry about because there would have been nothing I would have said to them about our relationship. I said it's only because of the cheating that you wanted me not to hang out with anyone in your circle.

The conversation then shifts and she says one of her friends saw my profile on a online dating site, and she goes on to say I can't image how hurt you feel for what I did just the thought of you hooking up with another girl will crush me. I thought this was ridicoulous to say, she's worried about the "thought" of me hooking up with another girl versus how she cheated on me; I just didn't understand it.

So that comes to an end and another week passes or so and she needs to come to the house to pick some things up. At the house we catch up on family, work, etc. She tells me that I look too skinny and then the tears come out again with her saying that she can't stop thinking about what she's doing to me. Which I reply, please don't cry for me, I'm doing just fine; I'm eating healthy and just trying to look better.

We finally get the divorce papers to sign and I tell her what page she needs to sign. Then the part that annoys me is she goes "I know you might hate me for asking, but we are sure about this?" I was thinking to myself WHAT, the house is on the market and you are about to sign a lease to a new apartment. I didn't understand what she was getting at so I simply responded with "Yes".

I ended up sending her family a "good-bye" email saying all nice things about them and the love I had for their daughter. I ended up taking the high road after going back and forth in my head for so long. I feel like I told her friend's husbands so I'm sure that will get spread around town, and I wanted to make the email more about just saying good-bye to her family instead of stirring up more drama; since they were always good to me.

Her mom ends up forwarding her the email and she then ends up calling me and crying saying she doesn't know if she can go through with this. To which I respond, "exactly what do you mean?", I know what she meant but she is just driving me insane because like I said the house is on the market and she's about to sign a new lease; so I don't know why she thinks it's right to say this now.

She goes on to say that she was going to send an email to my family as well but hasn't had a chance yet. She asks me if I think she should acknowledge the cheating, and I said "it's up to you, I really don't care". I told her my parents don't know about the cheating but my sister/brother do know. She finally sends the email and it's all nice things about me and she left out the cheating part. My sister replied just back to her and did a good job indirectly stating the cheating by saying something along the links that I was always committed to her and the relationship and she should have spared me the pain she put me through by letting me go as soon as she knew she was ready to move on.


----------



## sokillme

dennisg1 said:


> Just wanted to give an update on my situation.
> 
> Well a couple weeks ago STBXW's friend's husbands inivted me out with them to a bar. At first I was hesitant but then decided to go. We all had a good time but I couldn't hold back and I told them about the cheating. I wasn't surprised that they didn't know anything about it and I truly wonder if my STBXW's friends even knew the whole story or if they decided not to tell their husbands. The day after one of her friend's husbands ended up calling me because he was in the dog house, and his wife owed it to tell STBXW that I opened up to everyone; which she didn't take well and the water works started.
> 
> Anyway a couple days later she asks if there is anyone else in her circle that I told just so she could better prepare her self for a reply, I told her "no, that was it". Then she goes into that it was "inappropriate" that I told her friend's husbands because she hasn't got around to tell all her friends yet; which I responded don't talk to me about what's "inappropriate" or not. She then goes into, "I can't talk to you about anything without you always going back to the cheating and every time I feel like we are in a good place you still continue to want to hurt and punish me". I then said that she doesn't have the right to tell me who I can or can't talk to about this, and I will keep on bringing it up especially if you use words like "inappropriate" on me.
> 
> I told her that I consider those guys my friends as well, and they reached out to me; I didn't call them. She said that her friends are to blame as well because they should have ran it by her first. I haven't heard from the husbands since then, but I don't blame them, because I'm sure their wives have told them that they can't contact me anymore.
> 
> She goes on to say how I don't see this as an issue hanging out with her circle of friends. I told her that if they invite me to play golf, go to a bar, etc. with just the guys I don't see it as a problem. I told her if she didn't cheat and I hung out with them then there would have been nothing she needed to worry about because there would have been nothing I would have said to them about our relationship. I said it's only because of the cheating that you wanted me not to hang out with anyone in your circle.
> 
> The conversation then shifts and she says one of her friends saw my profile on a online dating site, and she goes on to say I can't image how hurt you feel for what I did just the thought of you hooking up with another girl will crush me. I thought this was ridicoulous to say, she's worried about the "thought" of me hooking up with another girl versus how she cheated on me; I just didn't understand it.
> 
> So that comes to an end and another week passes or so and she needs to come to the house to pick some things up. At the house we catch up on family, work, etc. She tells me that I look too skinny and then the tears come out again with her saying that she can't stop thinking about what she's doing to me. Which I reply, please don't cry for me, I'm doing just fine; I'm eating healthy and just trying to look better.
> 
> We finally get the divorce papers to sign and I tell her what page she needs to sign. Then the part that annoys me is she goes "I know you might hate me for asking, but we are sure about this?" I was thinking to myself WHAT, the house is on the market and you are about to sign a lease to a new apartment. I didn't understand what she was getting at so I simply responded with "Yes".
> 
> I ended up sending her family a "good-bye" email saying all nice things about them and the love I had for their daughter. I ended up taking the high road after going back and forth in my head for so long. I feel like I told her friend's husbands so I'm sure that will get spread around town, and I wanted to make the email more about just saying good-bye to her family instead of stirring up more drama; since they were always good to me.
> 
> Her mom ends up forwarding her the email and she then ends up calling me and crying saying she doesn't know if she can go through with this. To which I respond, "exactly what do you mean?", I know what she meant but she is just driving me insane because like I said the house is on the market and she's about to sign a new lease; so I don't know why she thinks it's right to say this now.
> 
> She goes on to say that she was going to send an email to my family as well but hasn't had a chance yet. She asks me if I think she should acknowledge the cheating, and I said "it's up to you, I really don't care". I told her my parents don't know about the cheating but my sister/brother do know. She finally sends the email and it's all nice things about me and she left out the cheating part. My sister replied just back to her and did a good job indirectly stating the cheating by saying something along the links that I was always committed to her and the relationship and she should have spared me the pain she put me through by letting me go as soon as she knew she was ready to move on.


Toxic people suck. Let her drown in her own guilt. Move on to better things.

I'll leave you with this.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You can tell whoever the hell you want to tell, she can deal or not, since SHE is the one who is in the wrong. If she didn't want anyone to know, she should have kept her pants on. Welcome to reality sweetheart, harsh aint it?? 

You are doing great, keep it up.


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## Slartibartfast

..


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

Get your best deal in a divorce, push it thru as fast as possible, get all the info you can on OM.
Once you walk out the courtroom door, call her parents, call the OM's wife, then go have a nice meal.


----------



## Taxman

Find a good woman. Have a good life. Live long and healthy. Let your ex wallow in the filth she created. Alone and full of regret. A good yiddish curse.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Your poor exwife. Cheated on you for a year. You kick her out and she can't make the rent. She should have asked her lover boy for the tent, Boo hoo. Then she cries because her behavior has been exposed. Then she cries because she sees you on a dating web site. Then she cries because you have zero interest in taking her back. 

Tell anyone you want exactly what happened. Including her family. She torched the relationship. You owe her nothing, Zero. Zilch. 

She actually owes you big time for stringing you along in the dark for a year. Remind of her that next time she starts babbling nonsense. 

As far as friends lost in the divorce because their wives take the cheating wife's side, who cares? Who needs to be around that. And the wives who dropped friendships with her because they don't want their husbands around a cheating women, her problem, not yours. 

Have a great life. I am sure you will now that that this toxic person who used your own emotions of absolute trust in her to betray you in the worst possible way is in the rear view mirror of your life. Like road kill.

Wish you the best.


----------



## Taxman

Dennis
Every time I re-read your last post the epic narcissism that issues forth from your former strumpet, is stupefying. Sir, I urge you to find a new mate. I may be a total arse, and I may be vindictive as sh1t, but I so want you to find happiness, success and peace, and I wish nothing but hell and chaos on your ex. May the story reach everyone she knows and may the friends fall away, as their husbands realize that they were complicit in her affair, and may just step out on them as well. May her new apartment have cockroaches, and toilets that back up regularly. May the sands of time etch a roadmap onto her face. May she, one day awaken to the horrible realization that she threw away the best thing she ever had, and now he is someone else's.

You sir, go have a nice life.


----------



## Nucking Futs

dennisg1 said:


> Just wanted to give an update on my situation.
> 
> Well a couple weeks ago STBXW's friend's husbands inivted me out with them to a bar. At first I was hesitant but then decided to go. We all had a good time but I couldn't hold back and I told them about the cheating. I wasn't surprised that they didn't know anything about it and I truly wonder if my STBXW's friends even knew the whole story or if they decided not to tell their husbands. The day after one of her friend's husbands ended up calling me because he was in the dog house, and his wife owed it to tell STBXW that I opened up to everyone; which she didn't take well and the water works started.
> 
> Anyway a couple days later she asks if there is anyone else in her circle that I told just so she could better prepare her self for a reply, I told her "no, that was it". *Then she goes into that it was "inappropriate" that I told her friend's husbands because she hasn't got around to tell all her friends yet; which I responded don't talk to me about what's "inappropriate" or not.* She then goes into, "I can't talk to you about anything without you always going back to the cheating and every time I feel like we are in a good place you still continue to want to hurt and punish me". *I then said that she doesn't have the right to tell me who I can or can't talk to about this, and I will keep on bringing it up especially if you use words like "inappropriate" on me.*
> 
> I told her that I consider those guys my friends as well, and they reached out to me; I didn't call them. She said that her friends are to blame as well because they should have ran it by her first. I haven't heard from the husbands since then, but I don't blame them, because I'm sure their wives have told them that they can't contact me anymore.
> 
> She goes on to say how I don't see this as an issue hanging out with her circle of friends. I told her that if they invite me to play golf, go to a bar, etc. with just the guys I don't see it as a problem. I told her if she didn't cheat and I hung out with them then there would have been nothing she needed to worry about because there would have been nothing I would have said to them about our relationship. I said it's only because of the cheating that you wanted me not to hang out with anyone in your circle.
> 
> The conversation then shifts and she says one of her friends saw my profile on a online dating site, and she goes on to say I can't image how hurt you feel for what I did just the thought of you hooking up with another girl will crush me. I thought this was ridicoulous to say, she's worried about the "thought" of me hooking up with another girl versus how she cheated on me; I just didn't understand it.
> 
> So that comes to an end and another week passes or so and she needs to come to the house to pick some things up. At the house we catch up on family, work, etc. She tells me that I look too skinny and then the tears come out again with her saying that she can't stop thinking about what she's doing to me. Which I reply, please don't cry for me, I'm doing just fine; I'm eating healthy and just trying to look better.
> 
> *We finally get the divorce papers to sign and I tell her what page she needs to sign. Then the part that annoys me is she goes "I know you might hate me for asking, but we are sure about this?" I was thinking to myself WHAT, the house is on the market and you are about to sign a lease to a new apartment. I didn't understand what she was getting at so I simply responded with "Yes".*
> 
> I ended up sending her family a "good-bye" email saying all nice things about them and the love I had for their daughter. I ended up taking the high road after going back and forth in my head for so long. I feel like I told her friend's husbands so I'm sure that will get spread around town, and I wanted to make the email more about just saying good-bye to her family instead of stirring up more drama; since they were always good to me.
> 
> *Her mom ends up forwarding her the email and she then ends up calling me and crying saying she doesn't know if she can go through with this. To which I respond, "exactly what do you mean?"*, I know what she meant but she is just driving me insane because like I said the house is on the market and she's about to sign a new lease; so I don't know why she thinks it's right to say this now.
> 
> She goes on to say that she was going to send an email to my family as well but hasn't had a chance yet. *She asks me if I think she should acknowledge the cheating, and I said "it's up to you, I really don't care".* I told her my parents don't know about the cheating but my sister/brother do know. She finally sends the email and it's all nice things about me and she left out the cheating part. My sister replied just back to her and did a good job indirectly stating the cheating by saying something along the links that I was always committed to her and the relationship and she should have spared me the pain she put me through by letting me go as soon as she knew she was ready to move on.


Excellent responses in bold. :smthumbup:


----------



## dennisg1

Thanks for all the replies, they are very encouraging and uplifting words! 

Regarding the OM he doesn't have a girlfriend/married, which made him a bigger POS; out of all the single girls out there you had to chase a married one, pathetic! Well, I'm sure she did her own chasing towards him as well; so both are to blame.

She finally moved all her stuff out the house the other day and into her new apartment. Again, I took the high road since she said she told her family she could do it all herself and didn't want their help; which was not true she couldn't do this all herself. So I helped carry heavy boxes into the garage and took all things off the wall that she wasn't capable of doing herself; since the movers weren't going to do this part. I guess I can view it as me just speeding up the process of her officially getting out of the house.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for all the replies, they are very encouraging and uplifting words!
> 
> Regarding the OM he doesn't have a girlfriend/married, which made him a bigger POS; out of all the single girls out there you had to chase a married one, pathetic! Well, I'm sure she did her own chasing towards him as well; so both are to blame.
> 
> She finally moved all her stuff out the house the other day and into her new apartment. Again, I took the high road since she said she told her family she could do it all herself and didn't want their help; which was not true she couldn't do this all herself. So I helped carry heavy boxes into the garage and took all things off the wall that she wasn't capable of doing herself; since the movers weren't going to do this part. * I guess I can view it as me just speeding up the process of her officially getting out of the house.*



Exactly!! The faster you get her crap boxed & loaded, the sooner you can paint the rooms a new color, hang your own pictures on the walls, make the place yours!


----------



## dennisg1

I just want to give an update on my situation.

I'm still at the house but it's under contract and we have our closing in February. I found a townhouse that I'm purchasing so hopefully this is a smooth transaction. She moved out already and is in her own apartment.

I've been boxing things up and I found an old cell phone of hers from towards the beginning of our relationship, where she is talking to her friend saying "_I really shouldn't complain he shows me love in other ways but he just can't say the words. Which is fine sometimes but I also sometimes really need to hear the words_".

I know nothing can excuse the year and half cheating she did behind my back, but lately I feel like I'm falling backwards. I've been feeling like a failure. Was I an idiot for not being able to tell her verbally more often that "I love her"? I feel like she has been expressing this throughout the whole relationship and I just didn't do a good job saying it more, and dismissing it because I though things were good, when I guess she really needs this verbal affirmation in her life to be happy. I don't know why it took me to get tot this point to really figure it out / understand how important his this was to her in feeling happy. Now I just have thoughts that if I would have just said it more, maybe we would be down a different path. And also thoughts like, is not saying "I love you" really grounds for getting a divorce when the rest of our relationship was good and I showed her love other ways? 

I know she is still seeing the OM, but the other day she sent me an email saying how she has been having a hard time sleeping, bad nightmares, is taking anxiety medicine but it's not helping. She apologizes again for what she did and how bad she feels, and hopes I'm doing better and can one day be happy again. She says she misses feeling safe with me and doesn't feel safe anymore. It makes her sick to know what happened to us. She wishes it didn't have to happen this way or end this way and she takes full blame for it. She misses all the good times we use to have, and she wants to kick her/our former selves to knock sense into us because in hindsight it was so easy to repair but at the time was just so hard to do what needed to be done.

I feel her email was more about her releasing the guilt of what she did to me, and less about her actually missing me / losing me. I don't know how she could write/say all these things and then be all fine with the OM. I have a picture in my head of her writing this and then just rolling over and cuddling with the OM, just seems like it's so easy for her to have these different personalities and be able to switch between them.

Sorry confused and just battling my own thoughts against each other, just feeling like I messed up!


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

The only thing that makes her sick is you found out and blew up the affair.

As far as you with the woulda coulda shoulda - She could have talked with you before spreading her legs and lying to your face for 1.5 years. 


I would have ignored her email. All you did was help her forgive herself for being a RAT but it does zero for you,


----------



## WilliamM

Be strong.

I think she is just playing mind games with you because she wants to see if she can get two guys jumping to her tune. 

She has a squeeze. She barely has time to put that email together because they are busy making goo goo eyes at each other. He probably coached her on just what to say to jerk your chain. It's just a damned game.

Do you think she is above that? She lied to you every minute of every day she did not tell you about the affair. She laughed at you behind your back, sharing your stupid ignorance with her lover. You give way too much credence to someone who has lied incessantly.

Stop caring what she says, or does for that matter.


----------



## Marc878

No kids. You can completely block her from your life after D. You’ll get better and move on faster that way.


----------



## sokillme

Stop talking to her!


----------



## dennisg1

Thanks for the replies, it's definitely good to hear this!

Yes, I agree with everyone here! 

I don't know why I keep on playing the nice role, I should just let her feel miserable for everything she has done instead of helping her forgive herself. 

After we close on the house in February, there should be no reason at this point to have to keep on talking to her; so I just can't wait until that day comes this way I can finally close the door on her.

I have to stop beating myself up in trying to oversimplify things and then make myself feel responsible about leading us towards D; not in her cheating because that's a whole other issue. I just have to stop thinking like my lack of verbal affirmation led to our D because if that is truly the case then she has some serious emotional/neediness issues that most likely would have caused even more issues down the road.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

DG1. Consider yourself lucky that you did not have children with this women. So once divorce is finalized there is zero reason to remain in contact with her. 

Remove her from all social media. This also helps you stay away from her when you feel sad or nostalgic. 

She created the divorce, not you. By cheating she rewrote the rules of the marriage. She did not bother asking your permission to change the rules. The infidelity rule is a deal breaker for many people. You have nothing to feel responsible by filing. She left you no choice by cheating, it's on her. 

Yes, stop beating yourself up. If she had issues communicating with you the resolution was to tell you, not invite another man inside her behind your back. That is 100% on her, not you.


----------



## dennisg1

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> DG1. Consider yourself lucky that you did not have children with this women. So once divorce is finalized there is zero reason to remain in contact with her.
> 
> Remove her from all social media. This also helps you stay away from her when you feel sad or nostalgic.
> 
> She created the divorce, not you. By cheating she rewrote the rules of the marriage. She did not bother asking your permission to change the rules. The infidelity rule is a deal breaker for many people. You have nothing to feel responsible by filing. She left you no choice by cheating, it's on her.
> 
> Yes, stop beating yourself up. If she had issues communicating with you the resolution was to tell you, not invite another man inside her behind your back. That is 100% on her, not you.


Thank you...it's good hear this and I just need to get out of this depressing house and into my new place so I can start moving forward with my life again!


----------



## Chaparral

When someone is basically finding excuses to not be intimate the fact they aren’t getting a lot of I love yous is pretty much a given.
Banging another man simply reveals what kind of person they really are. It doesn’t matter what a person says when their actions speak louder than all the words in the world.
Have you not started dating yet?


----------



## dennisg1

Chaparral said:


> When someone is basically finding excuses to not be intimate the fact they aren’t getting a lot of I love yous is pretty much a given.
> Banging another man simply reveals what kind of person they really are. It doesn’t matter what a person says when their actions speak louder than all the words in the world.
> Have you not started dating yet?


Yes, I agree; towards the end it was just a downward spiral where we just kept pulling away from each other and becoming resentful/defensive towards each other's needs. It definitely didn't help us strengthen our marriage because like you said she was finding excuses to not be intimate because she needed more verbal affirmation; which didn't produce a very loving environment for us, but it doesn't matter since she was already checked out with the OM while I was still in the dark about all of this.

I told her that when I caught her, "actions speak louder than words". Her/her family are very verbal with their affection to the point where it felt/sounded fake to me; almost like there was no depth/meaning to it. So when I blew up on her, I told her that I would rather love someone the way I do through sincere/loyal/thoughtful/honest "actions" than love someone "verbally" like her; whose "actions" are to cheat on their spouse. She can take all the "I love you"s she has said to me and just flush them down the toilet because they meant nothing when she is cable of carrying on with the OM for over a year behind my back.

No, I haven't started dating yet. I've been talking to some girls but haven't asked any of them out yet. They're girls that I either met online or through a friend, but I'm not really in to them; so I feel like a d**k if I went out with them and led them on if not really feeling them. However, on the same note; I guess I'm not looking to get into another long term relationship/marriage anytime soon so it would be good to just hang out with them.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Pretty normal to feel gun shy with the opposite sex when your wife lies to you for a year blaming you for the everything 'wrong' in the marriage and it turns out she has been sleeping with someone the whole time. That does a number on the trust meter. 

You will get through it though.


----------



## dennisg1

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Pretty normal to feel gun shy with the opposite sex when your wife lies to you for a year blaming you for the everything 'wrong' in the marriage and it turns out she has been sleeping with someone the whole time. That does a number on the trust meter.
> 
> You will get through it though.


Thanks! I was never a jealous person and have always been confident but she definitely did a number on me; so I guess I need some more time to recoup. 

I hate having thoughts now of not being able to trust future girls because I trusted my XW so much and never thought she was capable of this, but I guess I have to keep on reminding myself that not every girl will be like her and it's not fair to go into a new relationship thinking this.


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## MovingForward

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks! I was never a jealous person and have always been confident but she definitely did a number on me; so I guess I need some more time to recoup.
> 
> I hate having thoughts now of not being able to trust future girls because I trusted my XW so much and never thought she was capable of this, but I guess I have to keep on reminding myself that not every girl will be like her and it's not fair to go into a new relationship thinking this.


Same for me I trusted her unconditionally even when huge red flags were flying in my face.

Trust is something I am working towards still, it is hard I am not going to lie, my girlfriend is actually really honest which is sometimes too much for me as I dont need to know all details of her past but at least I know she is honest so far and does not hide anything as of yet.


----------



## Yeswecan

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks! I was never a jealous person and have always been confident but she definitely did a number on me; so I guess I need some more time to recoup.
> 
> I hate having thoughts now of not being able to trust future girls because I trusted my XW so much and never thought she was capable of this, but I guess I have to keep on reminding myself that not every girl will be like her and it's not fair to go into a new relationship thinking this.


Dennisg1, sorry it came to this. My experience after the fact was similar. Trust level was destroyed(along with some of my faith in humanity) It was several years before I considered anything remotely looking like a relationship. Then one day she walked into my life. She has been there for 24 years coming this April. She has been 100% on point with everything in my life, her life and our marriage. You too will find it. 

The bushel is full of good apples. Sometimes we pick(you and me) the wrong one. Next time we are the wiser giving the shiny apple a squish or two and hope it is not rotten to the core. We return that shiny apple rotten apple and find a solid one. 

Good luck!


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## Yeswecan

MovingForward said:


> Trust is something I am working towards still, it is hard I am not going to lie, my girlfriend is actually really honest which is sometimes too much for me as I dont need to know all details of her past but at least I know she is honest so far and does not hide anything as of yet.


This is a trait you will appreciate over time. Honesty to a fault can never be a bad thing.


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## MovingForward

Yeswecan said:


> This is a trait you will appreciate over time. Honesty to a fault can never be a bad thing.


I agree, I do like that about her to an extent.....sometimes she has opened up a little too much but i guess never need to worry


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## dennisg1

Just wanted to give you an update on my situation, finally closed on the house and recently moved into my condo. I really like the condo, despite the reason I'm here, and I like that I can decorate/set it up the way I want; which makes me feel better.

The last time I saw her, I was done trying to be civil for the sake of the divorce process; since we were finally done selling the house and there would be no reason to talk anymore. I basically told her that the person I thought I knew for 10 years was a stranger to me and I couldn't understand someone that says they love someone so much and never would want to hurt them can then do the complete opposite and cheat on them for over a year. 

I even tried to rationalize with her and say, I can see myself deserving this if I was emotionally/physically abusive towards you, an alchoholic, into drugs, no job, deadbeat husband but I was none of those things to you and always treated you with kindness, love, and respect. She agreed to everything while she was crying and just kept on apologizing and saying how guilty she feels. I told her that her sorries don't mean anything to me because they are after the fact when she got caught. I told her I would have had more respect for her if she was honest with me when this first started and told me she wanted to move forward with the D, but instead she wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

At one point, she started to get defensive because I asked if she is still seeing the OM; she said that our marriage was broken and he is not to blame for this; he wasn't the cause but he was the effect of our broken marriage. She did say that she is still seeing him often because at this point she will take it from any avenue to avoid the way she is constantly feeling. 

I told her if our marriage was broken, then she should have ended it with me a year ago when this A started and not string me a long thinking we were working on the marriage.

I just don't understand how she isn't strong enough to just be by herself and work on herself. The fact that this guy is basically living with her now makes no sense to me in how she can go from me straight into another committed relationship, unless she is just using this guy at this point for support since she is an emotional mess.

=================================================

Fast forward a couple weeks, one night I go to this new bar that opened up that I always wanted to check out and I went with a girl, that's a friend, and of course I end up running into the OM who works there as a bartender. It was one of those moments where I recognized him but couldn't put my finger on it but once I realized who it was, I definitely got angry, and he knew who I was just by the way he was looking at me. 

I ended up not sitting by where he was bartending and I didn't want to leave and make him think that I was scared; which I doubt he would think since I'm a lot bigger than him. I ended up sitting back at the main bar and having a good time with my friend, even though I wanted to grab him by the throat, my friend calmed me down and told me it's not worth it and end up being kicked out and possibly jail because of this loser. At one point he came around the main bar and was laughing with his co-workers, but he didn't once look in my direction as I was staring him down; I think he was doing that to get a rise out of me. I ended up not doing anything, which I'm proud of, because the last thing I need is to go to court because of this idiot.

The weird thing is the next day I get a text in the morning from the EX and I thought it was definitly going to be about running into him, but it was completely off topic and something stupid about the house. I'm not sure if she sent this, hoping I would bring it up, but I ended up not saying anything at all and just answered her question about the house. 

Since that day I haven't heard from her until recently when she sent me a birthday text and said she is sad I'm not a part of it anymore and ending it with "love"; I simply wrote back thank you. Her birthday is in a couple of months but I have no intentions to reach out to her, I don't know why she felt like she needed to send that text especially after all she has done.

That's about it for the update, I'm guessing from this point on I shouldn't hear from her anymore. And I'm not going to let that OM stop me from going to a bar I enjoyed going just because he works there; I'm moving on and now she's his problem!


----------



## Evinrude58

For you to think your wife cheated on you because you didn't "say I love you" enough is laughable.

Think about how your wife has handled cheating on you, blaming you, going to counseling with you while ****ing another dude, using the term "love" in reference to you while at the same time betraying you...........

You have a woman that is totally lacking in any moral fiber whatsoever. A woman who is so ****ed up emotionally that she is incapable of having a pure thought about anything in her life.

You should STOP thinking about your wife. You should be near the point you can force that **** back down and stop wasting a brainwave on her. You should go out with other women and have a great freaking time doing whatever the hell you want to do now that you are single. Learn to ENJOY the single life. There's a lot to enjoy about it! 

I hope you don't give in to the old emotions that you miss, and give her another chance down the road to screw up your world again. I rarely think that a Wayward spouse ever will return. But in this case, I suspect it will darn near be a certainty. If she was happy with the other dude, you would NEVER hear from her. She's a truly screwed up person. You'd be better off going 100% totally dark on her, and going 100% totally dark to the thought of her. Put her in your rearview and never, ever look back. I assure you, if you want to love someone else, it will happen. Probably sooner than you expect. You do NOT have to pine for this disgusting woman forever.

What happened with your wife was TOTALLY on her, from what I've read. "He doesn't say I love you enough?" Geez, she was looking for reasons to be unhappy before the ink was dry on the marriage license. You made a bad choice. Don't let your mind cause you to miss out on being happy WITHOUT your cheating anchor weight.

She is a classic case of "chronic discontent" and that will never change.


----------



## Marc878

Good god man stop the interaction with her.

You'll never move on doing that.

She dumped you for another man. You don't owe her anything now.

Block her and her family on every thing.

Too nice guys get walked on.


----------



## dennisg1

Evinrude58 said:


> For you to think your wife cheated on you because you didn't "say I love you" enough is laughable.
> 
> Think about how your wife has handled cheating on you, blaming you, going to counseling with you while ****ing another dude, using the term "love" in reference to you while at the same time betraying you...........
> 
> You have a woman that is totally lacking in any moral fiber whatsoever. A woman who is so ****ed up emotionally that she is incapable of having a pure thought about anything in her life.
> 
> You should STOP thinking about your wife. You should be near the point you can force that **** back down and stop wasting a brainwave on her. You should go out with other women and have a great freaking time doing whatever the hell you want to do now that you are single. Learn to ENJOY the single life. There's a lot to enjoy about it!
> 
> I hope you don't give in to the old emotions that you miss, and give her another chance down the road to screw up your world again. I rarely think that a Wayward spouse ever will return. But in this case, I suspect it will darn near be a certainty. If she was happy with the other dude, you would NEVER hear from her. She's a truly screwed up person. You'd be better off going 100% totally dark on her, and going 100% totally dark to the thought of her. Put her in your rearview and never, ever look back. I assure you, if you want to love someone else, it will happen. Probably sooner than you expect. You do NOT have to pine for this disgusting woman forever.
> 
> What happened with your wife was TOTALLY on her, from what I've read. "He doesn't say I love you enough?" Geez, she was looking for reasons to be unhappy before the ink was dry on the marriage license. You made a bad choice. Don't let your mind cause you to miss out on being happy WITHOUT your cheating anchor weight.
> 
> She is a classic case of "chronic discontent" and that will never change.


Thank you, great post! I have to keep coming back to this and re-reading it whenever I start coming down on myself. Just reading it gives me the confidence that this is and was the best thing for me!



Marc878 said:


> Good god man stop the interaction with her.
> 
> You'll never move on doing that.
> 
> She dumped you for another man. You don't owe her anything now.
> 
> Block her and her family on every thing.
> 
> Too nice guys get walked on.


Absolutely right, there is no other reason for her to reach out to me anymore but if she does again I will simply ignore her. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction to still have a connection with me when there is no reason to have one. And the audacity she has to think she can still keep in touch when what she's done and still with this OM.


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## Chaparral

She cheated with a bartender? Now that one classy lady. If she does contact you........... thank her. You have dodged a bullet.


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## dennisg1

Quick update:

I went out on a date with this girl to the place where this OM works at, it's new trendy bar and I'm not going to let OM dictate where I take my dates even if he works there. It's funny, every girl I've gone out with so far wants to go to this bar.

Anyway, this last date; we went for dinner and then I see my EX walk in with her friend and they go to the back bar that he works at. I don't think she sees me because we are at a table tucked away in the corner but I can see her clearly and see her laughing it up and having a good time.

My date and I, get the check and move to the main bar to have some more drinks which is by the main entrance, I happen to look up at one point and notice that they are leaving and I notice that her friend definitely sees me and almost pushes my EX out the door which I can see in her face startles her because she doesn't know why her friend is doing that; I'm guessing trying to leave before they think I notice them but I saw her when they initially walked in.

I really wished the EX saw me earlier in the night because I wonder how she would have reacted when seeing me there with another girl who's pretty. I knew I was bound to run into one day but I didn't realize it would be so soon.

We still need to talk about one final pending paperwork, so I sent her an email just giving her an update on the status. At one point, I was going to mention that I saw her in the email but I held back; she replied back thanking me and I thought she would bring it up but no mention of her saying she saw me or maybe she thinks I really didn't see her.

I feel like I took a couples steps backwards after actually running into her and seeing her all happy talking to this OM. I guess a part of me still wants to see that she is mourning the loss of me in some way, but seeing her move on so quickly has to make me see that she will not be happy in the long run because she has never worked on making herself better and has always been good at playing the role of looking happy to the outside world.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

dennisg1 said:


> Quick update:
> 
> I went out on a date with this girl to the place where this OM works at, it's new trendy bar and I'm not going to let OM dictate where I take my dates even if he works there. It's funny, every girl I've gone out with so far wants to go to this bar.
> 
> Anyway, this last date; we went for dinner and then I see my EX walk in with her friend and they go to the back bar that he works at. I don't think she sees me because we are at a table tucked away in the corner but I can see her clearly and see her laughing it up and having a good time.
> 
> My date and I, get the check and move to the main bar to have some more drinks which is by the main entrance, I happen to look up at one point and notice that they are leaving and I notice that her friend definitely sees me and almost pushes my EX out the door which I can see in her face startles her because she doesn't know why her friend is doing that; I'm guessing trying to leave before they think I notice them but I saw her when they initially walked in.
> 
> I really wished the EX saw me earlier in the night because I wonder how she would have reacted when seeing me there with another girl who's pretty. I knew I was bound to run into one day but I didn't realize it would be so soon.
> 
> We still need to talk about one final pending paperwork, so I sent her an email just giving her an update on the status. At one point, I was going to mention that I saw her in the email but I held back; she replied back thanking me and I thought she would bring it up but no mention of her saying she saw me or maybe she thinks I really didn't see her.
> 
> I feel like I took a couples steps backwards after actually running into her and seeing her all happy talking to this OM. I guess a part of me still wants to see that she is mourning the loss of me in some way, but seeing her move on so quickly has to make me see that she will not be happy in the long run because she has never worked on making herself better and has always been good at playing the role of looking happy to the outside world.


Eat and drink somewhere else. Anyone asks why just say you lost that place in the divorce.


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## Smooth1981

I agree with all the posters. You have zero connections to her anymore, in order to move forward try to avoid her at all costs. That’s the only way to move on. Tell her to stop emailing you as well once all the financial obligations are over. You don’t want to become the “friend” she runs too to tell you about the guys she messing around with. Lucky you guys didn’t have kids!!! Love my kids but wish I was in that situation


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## Satya

Stop caring about what she thinks of you with another woman. Hoping for her jealousy? That attitude is disrespectful to your date. She's not a show pony.

Your thinking of and fixation on someone you should be putting squarely behind you will only serve to hinder your healing and success in your future relationships. It's time to focus on the things you can control, like your life and happiness.


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## SentHereForAReason

dennisg1 said:


> Quick update:
> 
> I went out on a date with this girl to the place where this OM works at, it's new trendy bar and I'm not going to let OM dictate where I take my dates even if he works there. It's funny, every girl I've gone out with so far wants to go to this bar.
> 
> Anyway, this last date; we went for dinner and then I see my EX walk in with her friend and they go to the back bar that he works at. I don't think she sees me because we are at a table tucked away in the corner but I can see her clearly and see her laughing it up and having a good time.
> 
> My date and I, get the check and move to the main bar to have some more drinks which is by the main entrance, I happen to look up at one point and notice that they are leaving and I notice that her friend definitely sees me and almost pushes my EX out the door which I can see in her face startles her because she doesn't know why her friend is doing that; I'm guessing trying to leave before they think I notice them but I saw her when they initially walked in.
> 
> *I really wished the EX saw me earlier in the night because I wonder how she would have reacted when seeing me there with another girl who's pretty*. I knew I was bound to run into one day but I didn't realize it would be so soon.
> 
> We still need to talk about one final pending paperwork, so I sent her an email just giving her an update on the status. At one point, I was going to mention that I saw her in the email but I held back; she replied back thanking me and I thought she would bring it up but no mention of her saying she saw me or maybe she thinks I really didn't see her.
> 
> I feel like I took a couples steps backwards after actually running into her and seeing her all happy talking to this OM. I guess a part of me still wants to see that she is mourning the loss of me in some way, but seeing her move on so quickly has to make me see that she will not be happy in the long run because she has never worked on making herself better and has always been good at playing the role of looking happy to the outside world.


I know why you want this and I really don't fault you at all for feeling this way but acting on it is a different story. I always go back to talks I used to have with my dad about this subject. Oddly enough, he would use trashy talk shows as an example. When the girl or guy who was a nerd or fat, or ugly in school had a crush on someone and that person didn't even acknowledge them, they would come back years later and re-invent themselves and bring their crush on Jenny Jones, Maury, whatever and show them how good they looked now. You could still see in their eyes how insecure they really were. The crushes usually were taken back and impressed but you could see the shallowness in their eyes and just the shallowness of the situation, the 'look at me now!".

Don't fabricate or manufacture these look at me now moments out of security or jealousy, etc, it's a quick fix and a lot of times it will end up backfiring. Instead work on yourself to be the best MF'r you can possibly be so in the future when she sees you, it will be by accident and instead of 'look at me now' it will be 'wow, look at him' but even better, you won't care .....


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## dennisg1

All great points, thanks for all the helpful advice!

As time goes on, I'm thinking about her less and less; which is a good thing! 

I'm at the point now where dating is becoming more fun and being in the moment just enjoying the date and those "back of my mind thoughts" that would arise now and then about my EX are fading away.

It's crazy how you can spend so much time with someone for so long and as soon you stop they start becoming just a distant memory; it's a bit sad and liberating at the same time!


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## dennisg1

Just adding to my post with the latest; just found out that my ExW is pregnant with her AP. 

I just don't know how to feel about this; I know I shouldn't care but it's hard not to feel anything when you were with someone for so long. It's just crazy for me to think she transitioned from me to the AP while we were married and they are already having a kid. I know things move quicker the older you get and time is not on her side, but it just makes me feel like sh*t that she could care less about healing from our divorce and already starting a family with this OM. I guess all those times she told me she loved me were just "words" with nothing behind it. I told her in the past after finding out about the A, I would rather show love in my non-verbal way but through actions/loyalty/respect/etc. than in her fake overly used "I love you" words.

I don't feel like she's in any way, shape, or form emotionally ready to have a kid. Just the fact, that she wanted to have a kid with me when we were at our worst point and at the same time having an A with this OM (before I knew about the A); just boggles my mind. Why would you want to suggest bringing a child into an unhealthy marriage while having an A; just crazy to think this was her thought process at that time.

In the end, I know this is the best for me because if we were having this much trouble before kids; I'm sure it would have been a matter of time that we would have gotten divorced if we did have kids. It's just crazy for me to think how much things have changed in a years time. I know I'm just seeing this from the outside and don't know how she's exactly feeling but it does annoy me that she's just moving along with life with such ease and has easily replaced me with this OM. I'm dating but still single and don't want to rush into anything unless it's what I really want. 

Just wanted to get this off my chest; as my life continues to constantly evolve.


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## Marc878

Be very thankfull she's not your problem now.

Two cheaters are perfect for each other. Until .......,


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## Lostinthought61

Consider this, the way the OM and her met means neither of them will have trust for the other, when you add a kid to that, eventually that foundation already loose will implode....get a bag of popcorn because the fireworks will be intense. Be thankful that you knew about the affair and she did not get pregnant by him and you playing child support that is not even yours.


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## sokillme

You will really be healed when you understand that there is no true value in your wife's approval or non-approval.


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## dennisg1

Lostinthought61 said:


> Consider this, the way the OM and her met means neither of them will have trust for the other, when you add a kid to that, eventually that foundation already loose will implode....get a bag of popcorn because the fireworks will be intense. Be thankful that you knew about the affair and she did not get pregnant by him and you playing child support that is not even yours.


Yes, I've thought the same thing; how foolish do you have to be to believe that you are so special that cheating is not a possibility in their new relationship when all of this happened through cheating. 

Besides the fact, what type of single man, if you can even call him a man, cheats with a married woman when there are so many single beautiful women out there to date. I would never have entertained that, if I was interested in a unhappily married woman; I would have told her once you get your life together and are free and clear to date then lets set something up then.

Yes, I agree completely. This relationship was built on a foundation of crap and throwing a kid in the mix now, doesn't make the relationship get any easier. I know she's putting on a show right now and acting like the perfect girl to his family/friends because it's what she did with me and was one of the things that made me fall for her but as the relationship progressed her true colors started to show. So I know adding a kid to the mix now, it's just going to make her drop the perfect girl role faster and let her true colors come out. So yes time to get the popcorn out! 

Yes, thank god I found out about the affair or else I would be raising this OMs kid still sitting in the dark. It's crazy for me to even think about being one of those guys that would need to have a DNA test on their kid but it could have easily went down this route too.


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## Rubix Cubed

I predict your Ex will have her kid and it will drag her into the Mommy role and out of the fun new love interest role. Her AP will get tired of that and hook up with one of his bar patrons (which he is likely already doing anyway)
She will find out and that whole thing will implode in a big cloud of dust, and he'll just walk away owing only child support because they didn't marry. Your Ex will be the single mom struggling to take care of her kid and a career, thinking all the while what she gave up. I'll also bet she'll take another crack at getting you back when all of this does happen.


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## Marc878

IN the land of unicorns and golden rainbows it's all good. She doesn't see a bartender who has what for a future? Now there's a kid in the mix? Holy **** !!!!!! Now life is gonna get real quick.

Block her and her family on everything. You don't need or want any part of what's coming.

Except maybe some morbid curiosity.

You're the prize here. Be thankful her true colors came out now versus later.


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## Decorum

Wow. You have handeled this very well. Good for you.

If you look solely at this bartender's actions, he is an opportunist with no morals. 

Your exwife was low hanging fruit.
That's who she is, you did not make her that way.

They say if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you, (and likely this bartender already has). 

He does not really respect her, he knows she is easy.

She is the kind of girl he gets lucky with.

Dont build even a grain of happiness on her envy, just pity her. If for no other reason she now has to live with the moniker of "cheater". Woman hate having that as part of their history.

You are a freeman, enjoy it!!!


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## dennisg1

Thanks for all the positive replies!

Not defending the OM or giving him credit as to being a good person but I actually think he's a teacher and does the bartending thing on the side; regardless he's still a LOWLIFE to get involved with a married woman.

Anyway, I don't know why but I'm finding myself in a rut again and just thinking about different things lately; I'm sure with it getting darker earlier now and winter on it's way it's not helping the situation. 

The pregnancy really hit me hard and knowing about this and that they're looking for a house now just makes me feel like sh*t and so easily replaced; almost like this OM took the family that should have been mine right from underneath me. While I'm here like a fool, still thinking about her and our relationship; when she could care less. For someone that said they loved me so much, she found it fairly easy to move on with the very next guy. I know I don't know the details of their relationship and the level of her happiness but from the outside in, it looks like things are moving all in the right direction for her and the start of her new family. 

Maybe I would care less and think differently if I found someone that I really wanted to be with long-term but at this point that hasn't happened yet which just makes my mind wander about the past. Don't get me wrong, I do like the new found freedom of being able to do and go wherever I want and the dating scene has been fun; however, I feel torn between this freedom and the passing of time (GoT reference: Nothing f**ks you harder than time). I also wanted a family and was always committed to having it with her but now that's all in the past.

I know I need to not care about her anymore and move forward with my own life but even so there are still some days that are harder than others and it's not helping knowing about how quickly her life has moved on. I'm not one to jump into another LTR unless I really feel something, so a small part of me envies someone like her and her ability to just compartmentalize our whole relationship and feel emotionally ready for another LTR. 

Thanks for lending me your ear!


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## Marc878

IN your situation it's bound to hurt. Time and no contact will help. Good god man he's a bartender. She picked him so what does that say about her?

Bud if you'd had kids you would be in so much worse shape it's not imaginable. You need to wake up a bit and count your blessings.

You'll be fine long term. It just won't be next week.


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## sunsetmist

Please stop letting her live rent-free in your head. You wanted a loving family and you would not have had that with her. So allow your self to think about her 10 minutes a couple of days a week if you must, but slowly cut your time down. Thinking about what might have been will wear you out and create fantasy that is not real.

Best wishes for a fabulous future.


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## sokillme

dennisg1 said:


> While I'm here like a fool, still thinking about her and our relationship; when she could care less. For someone that said they loved me so much, she found it fairly easy to move on with the very next guy


Yep, and that is who you are sad you can't be with anymore. That person is who for some reason you feel like was your best bet to a happy life. Does that make any sense? That an ******* like that would be your path to a happy marriage? Maybe she did you a favor. 

Remember she is not the only women on earth there are plenty of others out there who are better right? Work on healing yourself and then eventually you can find better, but quit thinking of this women as someone who had anything real of value for you. She was able to treat you horrible, she is not a good person and has not worth for you at all.


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## SunCMars

I suspect.......

She said she wanted a kid with you during the lowest point in your marriage...

The point where two men where simultaneiously laying atop her, the other man pushing her very low in the mud, you climbing on later..unaware.

The other man pushing her down, not using a condom. She knew she might get pregnant. What a thought.

The man is a bartender. 
He tends a low bar.

A waist high bar. 
No, a waist low bar.

Your EXW wasted her life on him.

If he continues this occupation, more sad, lonely, inebriated women will fall on his sword, fall on his low bar.
He will talk sweet to these new customers, he will slip them free drinks, later slip them his hot stick and deviled eggs he keeps behind the bar, in his tight apron-ed pants.

Being a bartender is one of those jobs where women come to you. 
They come to you with their woes, with their needs.

A good bartender is flashy, has a good smile, moves with rapid ease.
They dance behind the bar, their hands and arms move rapidly, they are a sight to see for a horny lady.

He is right before their eyes, he dances up and down the bar, the lady customers have no else to look at while facing forward and looking left and right, looking him up and down.

Now that your EXW is pregnant and soon, maybe now unavailable for sex, he will find her replacement quickly.
New ones, old ones come in every night.

Yes, the ladies come to him every night.

All he needs to do is look good, look good dancing up and down that bar, pouring drinks, keeping the ladies happy and bombed.

On the ladies he likes, he overloads their drinks, purposely. 
Women will say he is great, he always makes my drinks strong, never weak.

He likes me, he takes good care of me.
Oh yes he does.

He makes you forget about your problems.
He fills your heart with laughter.
He fills your belly with drinks.

Soon, someday he will fill your fold with his sticky salty suds.
The suds delivered with a gnarly hard pretzel.


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## sunsetmist

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for all the positive replies!
> 
> Not defending the OM or giving him credit as to being a good person but I actually think he's a teacher and does the bartending thing on the side; regardless he's still a LOWLIFE to get involved with a married woman.
> 
> Anyway, I don't know why but I'm finding myself in a rut again and just thinking about different things lately; I'm sure with it getting darker earlier now and winter on it's way it's not helping the situation.
> 
> The pregnancy really hit me hard and knowing about this and that they're looking for a house now just makes me feel like sh*t and so easily replaced; almost like this OM took the family that should have been mine right from underneath me. While I'm here like a fool, still thinking about her and our relationship; when she could care less. * For someone that said they loved me so much, she found it fairly easy to move on with the very next guy. I know I don't know the details of their relationship and the level of her happiness but from the outside in, it looks like things are moving all in the right direction for her and the start of her new family*.
> 
> Maybe I would care less and think differently if I found someone that I really wanted to be with long-term but at this point that hasn't happened yet which just makes my mind wander about the past. Don't get me wrong, I do like the new found freedom of being able to do and go wherever I want and the dating scene has been fun; however, I feel torn between this freedom and the passing of time (GoT reference: Nothing f**ks you harder than time). I also wanted a family and was always committed to having it with her but now that's all in the past.
> 
> I know I need to not care about her anymore and move forward with my own life but even so there are still some days that are harder than others and it's not helping knowing about how quickly her life has moved on. I'm not one to jump into another LTR unless I really feel something, so a small part of me envies someone like her and her ability to just compartmentalize our whole relationship and feel emotionally ready for another LTR.
> 
> Thanks for lending me your ear!


I feel your pain and how hard it is to understand how this happened. Obviously she was lying to you--she didn't move on to the NEXT guy, she moved on while within what should have been a married relationship. Don't focus on how she seems to be living the life you wanted. She did not want that life with you and you are not magic--you can't change who or what she is.

It is normal to have roller coaster emotions. Your timing is your own--your plan has changed, but you will be better in the end.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Your ex is a taker and a narcissist. But the win-win for you is.....That she doesn't "own" you any longer. The new year is close at hand and I have a very good feeling brother...You will be soon looking back upon this nightmare and realizing a new love and new self respect is at hand. I really do! I will pray for you. You are one of the good guys. And the best way to BEAT THEM, is to live your life to the fullest. 


And wait for karma to drop a line soon. Like SUN said....Bar boy will get tired or resentful of the pregnant land whale at home.... And another one will bite the dust. She will be wallowing in misery and section 8 payments along with child welfare! lol


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## Decorum

She is like a puppy dog, loyal to the one who is giving her what she wants.

Puppy dogs are loveable, but they will go home with someone else and happily never give you a second thought.

Maybe try to find a fun girl who is a bit more self-reflective, and independent.

This one seems to just follow her desires.


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## Marc878

^^^^^^

Great analogy


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## sokillme

And she had this great love for the new guy right? So she kept him waiting while she waffled for longer then a year trying to make up her mind. Sounds like a love for the ages. And this guy he cheats with a wishy washy married women, yeah he was real invested. They probably only really committed because she got pregnant.

Yeah they are going to have a great marriage. 

Dude wash your hands, heal and move on to a better life.


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## oldshirt

dennisg1 said:


> Besides the fact, what type of single man, if you can even call him a man, cheats with a married woman when there are so many single beautiful women out there to date. I would never have entertained that, if I was interested in a unhappily married woman; I would have told her once you get your life together and are free and clear to date then lets set something up then.
> 
> Yes, I agree completely. This relationship was built on a foundation of crap and throwing a kid in the mix now, doesn't make the relationship get any easier. I know she's putting on a show right now and acting like the perfect girl to his family/friends because it's what she did with me and was one of the things that made me fall for her but as the relationship progressed her true colors started to show. So I know adding a kid to the mix now, it's just going to make her drop the perfect girl role faster and let her true colors come out. So yes time to get the popcorn out!
> 
> .


I am going to steal a mantra from the 'Chumplady' website and that is - "Trust that they suck." That is very fitting for this situation because it is just a matter of time before their lives are in complete shambles and the best part is you got out of it before it all blows up in a big ball of fire and debris. You just need to have a little faith that they suck and that it will all come crumbling down. 

This all reminds me of a World War II movie, the name of which escapes me at the moment, but the plot is a secret special ops group sneaks into a big dam on a river that the Germans occupy to blow it up. 

The british demolition guy plants the explosives, they all have a shoot out and get back into the woods. In the background the here the explosion but from the outside, the dam looks fine and nothing is happening. 

They find the demolition guy laying comfortably on the ground watching the dam in calm amuzement. The other commandos start chewing him our for bungling the demolitions and not getting the dam blown up. 

The demolition guys just lays there and chuckles at them and gives them crap about Americans always being so inpatient and always a big dramatic show. He tells them to just sit down and be patient and that in time the dam will falter. 

After a while, a thin crack begins to form on the dam and a few drips of water start to appear. Then another crack begins to form and more water begins to leak through. And then another crack and then another and so on and so on. 

After a while jets of water start spraying through the holes and then one chunk of the dam falls off and then another and then another. Pretty soon torrents of water are gushing through and shortly after big chunks of the dam start falling away and falling into the river. In time the entire dam is destroyed and any remnents of it washed away in the rapids. 

This is what is going to happen to your x and the OM. bit by bit, piece by piece, it will all start to crumble and fall apart. They are both a pair of nitwits and will not be able to sustain a stable, functional life together. 

Have faith that they suck and their lives will crumble and be chaos and just be thankful that it is not your problem anymore.


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## oldshirt

Oh, I think I remember the name of the movie. I think it's "Force 10 From Navarone." Maybe check it out on Netflix or something this weekend.


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## oldshirt

double post


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## oldshirt

and to address your question about what kind of man goes for married women; that is an easy one. Guys that do NOT want relationships and do not want domestic duties and do not want babies and families and all that kind of stuff, that is who. 

Guys that go for married women only want the NSA poon and to have fun in bed but leave all that other stuff like rubbing her feet and unclogging her toilet and fixing her flat tires in the rain and changing diapers and cleaning up baby puke etc etc to her chump husband. 

Guys that hook up with married women, WANT the women to remain in their marriages so they don't have to do all that other stuff. 

But you were able to find out about it and get out of it so you aren't the one rubbing her feet while he gets the poon. Not your problem anymore. Now let him deal with the morning sickness and swollen feet and dirty diapers. 

And as a bartender who likes to pick up chicks and not deal with that kind of stuff - I am sure he is going to be a real great partner and father ha ha ha NOT!

Just sit back and watch all the cracks form and watch the pieces crumble away. 

Trust that they suck and have faith that you dodged a major bullet.


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## Chaparral

There is only a three percent chance a couple that got together through infidelity will make it long term. Him being a bartender is probably zero. There is only a ten percent chance they will make it three years.

Google infidelity statistics.


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## BluesPower

Chaparral said:


> There is only a three percent chance a couple that got together through infidelity will make it long term. Him being a bartender is probably zero. There is only a ten percent chance they will make it three years.


Yeah, while it may be comforting that her life will suck soon, I don't think that he ever wants her back anyway. 

I know I would not...


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## jlg07

dennisg, did you ever tell all of your and her family about her cheating? Also, all the friends?

Not that it matters now, but I hope you did at the time.


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## dennisg1

Sorry for the delay writing back but thank you for all your replies! I go back to them when I'm feeling down and read them again, I guess it's another form of therapy for me and helps me get back on the positive thinking path, so for that I say thank you!

-------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, I don't know why I still have moments of putting her on a pedestal. I feel like other people should put you on a pedestal if they feel you are deserving of it, but in her case she would talk herself up and would say I wouldn't find anyone better than her; so I guess she definitely messed with my head into believing this. 

I have to be honest with myself, I feel that I lost the confidence I once had because of her and I'm having a hard time finding it again. I haven't been in a relationship yet, but I just always think that once I'm in one I'm going to have moments of "did I say I love you enough", "am I meeting up to her expectations", "am I meeting all her needs", "am I staying in shape enough", etc. - all these thoughts that would never have consciously crossed my mind is the baggage I carry around now, not saying these things are not important in a relationship but I'm so fixated on them now because of her that it makes me feel like the things I did were never good enough. I don't feel like my previous self, where a relationship would be just enjoying each other, living in the moment, not overthinking everything, and not feeling like I'm walking on egg shells.

I've been on the dating scene and it's been fun but I'm finding myself not really wanting to get to know anyone or let anyone into my life. I hate the fact that I built up 9+ years of memories with my ex-wife and they are basically just wiped clean. I see friends that are still married and how they will always cherish all those years of memories with their wives and it makes me feel like a failure in a way. 

I'm envious of people who are able to date for a year or two and then are already having a baby / getting married. I was never one of those types of people, I was with my ex-wife for 5 years before I proposed but I was also younger and had more time on my side. I know as you get older things tend to accelerate but how do you know you're not making another mistake by being with someone only 1-2 years? 
@oldshirt Interesting movie, I'll need to check it out. A big part of me does want her life to crumble like the dam in the movie but then what does that say about me. I go back and forth on this, some days I wish her the best but just wish she handled it differently, and other days I want her to be the crumbling dam. I know they say "forgive but never forget" but a part of me doesn't want to forgive her, at this moment, the thing that frustrates me the most is her selfishness in getting a head start into a new relationship and keeping me a year plus in the dark about it. It was so selfish on her part to keep me there and make me lose out a year plus in being able to find someone new for my self instead of working on a marriage where her flame died out already. 
@jlg07 At the time, I did tell her friend's husbands but not her immediate family. But her cousin reached out to me not too long ago, she recently got divorced too; so I saw an opportunity to tell her cousin so I'm sure it will make it back to her immediate family eventually. I think her cousin has a thing for me and if she wasn't crazy and if I was attracted to her the thought did cross my mind but that would just cause more issues in the end.


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## turnera

Couple thoughts: First, join a club of something you like to do. Camping, bowling, baseball, I don't care. Just start filling your life looking forward to doing things you love. It makes you happy. And the happier you are, the more attractive you look to women. No healthy woman wants a man who expects her to make him happy. She should just be a bonus on an already great life.

Second, what kind of physical activity are you doing? You should be in tip top shape right now, being single. Pick an activity - gym, running, tennis, surfing, whatever, just make it a big part of your life. A guy in great shape is like manna from heaven to women.

Make these two things a big part of your life, and your self esteem will be back.


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## 3Xnocharm

Dennis, you should never put ANYONE on a pedestal. Number one, no one is truly deserving of that, and two, no one can possibly live up to your expectations when you do that. Also you dont have to forgive her, if you arent feeling that you can, then dont stress about it. Just make sure you arent holding onto resentment that keeps you from moving forward. You are for sure a little gun shy, but that is pretty much the norm for those of us who have been betrayed. If you arent feeling the whole dating scene, then give yourself a break from it for a while, and dont focus on the timeline of other couples. Maybe talking to a therapist may help you get your feelings sorted out.


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## dennisg1

turnera said:


> Couple thoughts: First, join a club of something you like to do. Camping, bowling, baseball, I don't care. Just start filling your life looking forward to doing things you love. It makes you happy. And the happier you are, the more attractive you look to women. No healthy woman wants a man who expects her to make him happy. She should just be a bonus on an already great life.
> 
> Second, what kind of physical activity are you doing? You should be in tip top shape right now, being single. Pick an activity - gym, running, tennis, surfing, whatever, just make it a big part of your life. A guy in great shape is like manna from heaven to women.
> 
> Make these two things a big part of your life, and your self esteem will be back.


Yeah, I need to do join something since most of my close friends are married w/ kids and don't go out that much. I was always interested in learning how to dance Salsa better and play guitar; so these could be options to look into.

Yeah, I've been going to the gym and still eating healthy so I've been keeping this up as best I can.



3Xnocharm said:


> Dennis, you should never put ANYONE on a pedestal. Number one, no one is truly deserving of that, and two, no one can possibly live up to your expectations when you do that. Also you dont have to forgive her, if you arent feeling that you can, then dont stress about it. Just make sure you arent holding onto resentment that keeps you from moving forward. You are for sure a little gun shy, but that is pretty much the norm for those of us who have been betrayed. If you arent feeling the whole dating scene, then give yourself a break from it for a while, and dont focus on the timeline of other couples. Maybe talking to a therapist may help you get your feelings sorted out.


Yeah, you're right; my issue is not forgiving her but learning to let go of the resentment towards her. Sometimes it's hard to let go of the resentment because I just think of the year+ of my life she made me waste and during that time it helped her jump start towards having a new family/life (e.g. baby, buying a home, bf); which just makes me even more resentful towards her! Lol.

Yeah, at this time I kind of put dating to the side now. I still check the apps every once in a while and unless it's someone that really interests me I don't bother dating someone just to date. I know people say it's good to date to get a better picture of what I do or don't like but if it's someone that I'm not very interested in, to begin with, I feel like I'm just wasting both our times.

Yeah, I actually continued to see the marriage counselor we were seeing on my own because I felt comfortable but recently stopped seeing him because it just felt like I was just recapping what I've been up to lately and he wasn't really helpful in getting me back on track. I guess I could give someone else a try that can be more helpful.


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## sokillme

My friend you have to make a decision. Are you going to live in the shadow of your old marriage or are you going to go live your life again. Part of this is you don't have hope that you can feel joy again. That's a lie though. You just need to get out there. Do you have anything that you can truly be passionate about and pursue? 

That is the thing, you have to take agency in your life again, quit feeling like life is something that happened to you and start going out and living your life. Make your life about living. 

It's common to not have hope after this happens, to feel like this loss is something you will never overcome, but that is why you need to have courage. Like I always say on here courage doesn't mean you don't feel the pain, it means you feel the pain but you act like you don't. That is truly what you need to do, you need to make decisions like you don't feel pain and just keep moving forward. Doing that will enable you to meet new people and create new relationships. 

This is really the key to healing, the sooner you do this the sooner you will start to heal.


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## dennisg1

@sokillme Thank you for your post, very insightful! 

You're 100% right on everything you said! 

What holds me back is still reminiscing/missing the life I once had with her, shared friends, shared family, etc. because on my end I was happy with things as they were but I also require less to be happy.

It seems like I was more excited to date right after the divorce because things felt exciting and I was eager to meet new women but that seems to have faded now, maybe because I thought I would meet someone I was more compatible and happier with quicker but dating as proved otherwise. Like you mentioned, sometimes I don't have the hope of feeling joy in a relationship again because the dates I've been on I haven't really clicked with anyone yet in the same capacity I did with my ex-wife.

I feel I'm just in a funk right now but reading your post and everyone else's reply always motivates me to pull out of this. I know there are peaks and valleys with these feelings so hopefully I can avoid the valleys in the future and put this old life behind me and start living my new happy life again!


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## Marc878

Your life is up to you. I think it's normal this early to still be in a bit of turmoil.

What you aren't seeing is how lucky you are for this to have happened now. 

I get it. It sucks.

It would suck a lot more if you had 20 years invested and a couple kids.


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## sokillme

dennisg1 said:


> @sokillme Thank you for your post, very insightful!
> 
> You're 100% right on everything you said!
> 
> What holds me back is still reminiscing/missing the life I once had with her, shared friends, shared family, etc. because on my end I was happy with things as they were but I also require less to be happy.
> 
> It seems like I was more excited to date right after the divorce because things felt exciting and I was eager to meet new women but that seems to have faded now, maybe because I thought I would meet someone I was more compatible and happier with quicker but dating as proved otherwise. Like you mentioned, sometimes I don't have the hope of feeling joy in a relationship again because the dates I've been on I haven't really clicked with anyone yet in the same capacity I did with my ex-wife.
> 
> I feel I'm just in a funk right now but reading your post and everyone else's reply always motivates me to pull out of this. I know there are peaks and valleys with these feelings so hopefully I can avoid the valleys in the future and put this old life behind me and start living my new happy life again!


I wasn't even married but the first year of dealing with my breakup and being cheated on I felt like I was in a shadow. There was really no joy. One particular moment I remember was I had gotten out of school and got a job making more money that I had in my entire life. The day I got hired I actually teared up on my way home because in my mind this was a dream for both of us and I was living it on my own. Now I look back at that and think how silly I was. 

Let me assure you that this is not going to be your reality forever. 

I would say this, instead of trying to meet a women try pursuing things your are interested in even if you never thought to, like cooking for instance. I suspect the more you get yourself out there the better chance you will have of meeting someone who you click with and who has character.

I have been happily married for 15 years now and my wife is 1000 times better then the last women. I think back at how lucky I was not to marry her. If I hadn't found out I would have been one of these guys who found out 10 years later. She was never going to be faithful. 

I met my wife about 2 years after my breakup. I thought I would never love again. I was convinced. 

Just give it time. This too shall pass.


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## dennisg1

sokillme said:


> I wasn't even married but the first year of dealing with my breakup and being cheated on I felt like I was in a shadow. There was really no joy. One particular moment I remember was I had gotten out of school and got a job making more money that I had in my entire life. The day I got hired I actually teared up on my way home because in my mind this was a dream for both of us and I was living it on my own. Now I look back at that and think how silly I was.
> 
> Let me assure you that this is not going to be your reality forever.
> 
> I would say this, instead of trying to meet a women try pursuing things your are interested in even if you never thought to, like cooking for instance. I suspect the more you get yourself out there the better chance you will have of meeting someone who you click with and who has character.
> 
> I have been happily married for 15 years now and my wife is 1000 times better then the last women. I think back at how lucky I was not to marry her. If I hadn't found out I would have been one of these guys who found out 10 years later. She was never going to be faithful.
> 
> I met my wife about 2 years after my breakup. I thought I would never love again. I was convinced.
> 
> Just give it time. This too shall pass.


Just wondering, how long were you guys together? Besides the obvious cheating that led to the breakup, were there other things that made you see you guys weren't compatible in the long run? 

Your story about getting a job and making more money resonates to me because after the divorce I got a big promotion / more money and I too teared up one day because we always talked about going on more vacations but never being able to financially do it at the time.

Yeah, I think getting involved in other activities would be the best way to meet new people and by chance maybe meet someone who makes me want to be in a relationship again. I find the OLD apps are so impersonal and people can be so easily dismissive of each other.

That's a great story to hear, and it definitely keeps me hopeful and excited for the future! I'm glad you are in a much-much happier place with your current wife!


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## Marc878

It may happen when you least expect it.

I met my extremley lucky wife on a blind date set up by a friend of mine.

Don't rush and chase women. That's the worst thing you can do in these situations.


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## turnera

I think men and women should be friends first, before dating. That way, you see the REAL person, not some persona they want you to believe. That's why I advocate joining groups and clubs and activities.


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## jyotisharma2859

It usually happens in every relationship. Most of the people expect too much from their partner that they never notice all those small things that their partner is doing just to make them happy. Both should understand that only one man effort can't run this relationship for long. It's not always about expecting, we should start showing love and care to our partner as well. There's nothing wrong in expecting love and care from your partner but over expecting ruin relationships.


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## Andy1001

dennisg1 said:


> @sokillme Thank you for your post, very insightful!
> 
> You're 100% right on everything you said!
> 
> What holds me back is still reminiscing/missing the life I once had with her, shared friends, shared family, etc. because on my end I was happy with things as they were but I also require less to be happy.
> 
> It seems like I was more excited to date right after the divorce because things felt exciting and I was eager to meet new women but that seems to have faded now, maybe because I thought I would meet someone I was more compatible and happier with quicker but dating as proved otherwise. Like you mentioned, sometimes I don't have the hope of feeling joy in a relationship again because the dates I've been on I haven't really clicked with anyone yet in the same capacity I did with my ex-wife.
> 
> I feel I'm just in a funk right now but reading your post and everyone else's reply always motivates me to pull out of this. I know there are peaks and valleys with these feelings so hopefully I can avoid the valleys in the future and put this old life behind me and start living my new happy life again!


You seem to like movies so here’s a quote from a great one.
“Get busy living or get busy dying”.
You have wasted enough of your life on mourning someone who doesn’t and probably never really existed except in your mind.You had her and still to a certain extent have her on a pedestal.
It’s time to start living buddy because you don’t want to look back in ten years and realize how much of your life you have wasted.
So do what Andy said in the “Shawshank Redemption”.
Get busy living.


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## dennisg1

@Andy1001 Thank you, great quote and movie! Need to keep this in the forefront of my mind!


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