# Soft Swap or couples play



## Tourchwood

hello All

I have a general relationship question, what is your take on Soft swap with other couples or four playing on the bed with no full swap? have you done it before? and who did you choose? how did it impact your marriage relation?

I'm talking about soft not full


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## michzz

I'd say it is like drenching the bed with gasoline with a lit candle on the nightstand.

Why risk your marriage like that?


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## Powerbane

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Nothing like a good fire!


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## the guy

We haven't done it, there is alot of bases to cover. 
Some of our rules if we did. Hotels are a most, strangers are a most and no phone numbers exchanged.

Both me and my wife are to inscure to go through with it. we both are afraid that a secret relationship would start up. We would also be so concerned about spending to much attention on the OP that would hurt me or her.

Bottom line there is to much at risk, I'm mean we did the strip club thing and there wasn't any jealous issue with lap dances, but taking it up a notch to soft swap is to dangerous in my opinion. I would have to say were more vior...let folks watch but the whole swap at any degree is getting to close to the edge. Even with a safe word that would get us out of the sitch. there is to many what ifs that you can't take back.

So I have to say its one thing to have sex infront of another couple, but to swap even a soft swap it doesn't make sence if you dont go all the way.


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## Mike188

How could it possibly stop there? Which of the spouses would start to fantasize about the one they were with. There's no way I could handle this. Not only would I be very jealous, but I would be completely obsessed with the other woman. Can you just eat one potato chip? Could you make-out with a person of the opposite sex and just leave it at that? What if you go into it planning to only "soft swap" as you put it and then your spouse or your spouse's partner wanted to take it all the way? What if after that encounter you said you didn't want to do that ever again and your spouse and your spouse's swap partner started texting, meeting, etc? Slippery slope.

Can I ask a question? Whose idea is this? Just from reading your other thread I'm guessing this is your idea because you have negative feelings about your wife. I suspect there are a lot of other issues that wasn't in your thread also. Have you considered going to a marriage counselor?


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## AgentD

I would say whatever kind of risk you are up for in your marriage, go for it.


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## Tourchwood

Mike, it could stop there if you want it to stop, its all up to the couples. I read many posts that it worked for alot people to do soft then in the same room one with his wife. 
Have anyone done that before?


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## loren

michzz said:


> I'd say it is like drenching the bed with gasoline with a lit candle on the nightstand.
> 
> Why risk your marriage like that?


bAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA:lol:

:iagree:


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## Mom6547

Tourchwood said:


> hello All
> 
> I have a general relationship question, what is your take on Soft swap with other couples or four playing on the bed with no full swap? have you done it before? and who did you choose? how did it impact your marriage relation?
> 
> I'm talking about soft not full


Do a BOAT load of reading and talking about it FIRST. I have seen it help engender a greater closeness. And I have seen it completely rip a marriage apart.

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good place to start.

If you search swinging lifestyle on amazon, you will find a ton.

Unless both of you are COMPLETELY devoted to the following two principles, I would not even CONSIDER it.

- My spouse comes first ALWAYS. We cut and run on ANY risk. I NEVER ask my spouse to do anything that s/he is tentative about.

- Full, complete and true HONESTY is the single most important couple skill you need to develop. If you cannot handle that kind of honesty, then you don't belong in the lifestyle.

Good luck!


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## loren

Tourchwood said:


> hello All
> 
> I have a general relationship question, what is your take on Soft swap with other couples or four playing on the bed with no full swap? have you done it before? and who did you choose? how did it impact your marriage relation?
> 
> I'm talking about soft not full


From your other post it sounds like you're not into your wife that much anymore. I quote: "I ask myself, why didnt I marry someone educated and smart, yes my wife is beautiful but I could have done better." Is the potential soft swap partner 'better'?

Perhaps this is just the excuse you want in order to get it on with some strange.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Okay, appears I'm the only one that is actually speaking from experience.

Yes, I have done it with my husband.

And before anyone asks, since you've seen my previous threads, it was AFTER our sex life went into the toilet - it wasn't before and didn't cause it, other issues there that I'm still trying to work out. 

We do have rules:

- Our home only (we live out in the middle of nowhere), we do not go to other people's homes.
- We get to know them, as much as possible via e-mail/photo's first.
- We set up the rules beforehand - what is allowed, with who, what is not allowed, etc., before we even make the date.
- It must be done with the both of us present, even if we're not participating - no solo time.

But we did not limit it to soft, we have done full swap. It did not cause us any lingering issues as we were both on board and had decided what we would/would not allow beforehand.

And surprisingly enough - we both enjoyed it.

Due to some medical and other issues, we have not participated since late fall of last year, but once those issues are resolved, I expect us to continue - it works for us, and lots of other couples, but not for everyone.


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## Mom6547

michzz said:


> I'd say it is like drenching the bed with gasoline with a lit candle on the nightstand.
> 
> Why risk your marriage like that?


People risk it for a number of reasons, many of them good. I would say that greater than 50% of the folk I know had their marriage grow stronger in passion, trust and commitment as a result of the good and bad times. The success or failure seems to depend more on the people doing it than the lifestyle itself. The motives, the maturity, the degree of commitment to the marriage itself. 

There are a bunch of books out there. Netflix has a documentary called "The Lifestyle". All worth a read/watch.


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## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, appears I'm the only one that is actually speaking from experience.


Nope.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

loren said:


> From your other post it sounds like you're not into your wife that much anymore. I quote: "I ask myself, why didnt I marry someone educated and smart, yes my wife is beautiful but I could have done better." Is the potential soft swap partner 'better'?
> 
> Perhaps this is just the excuse you want in order to get it on with some strange.


Or perhaps not.

We didn't enter the lifestyle in order to get it on with some strange...it was actually my idea, not my husband's initially and it was to experiment, try out some fantasies in reality and to spice things up.

And we were able to experiment and we made several fantasies into reality and it did spice up our sex life together (when we have sex - this is another issue entirely).

So while it doesn't work for all, it has worked for us and we will continue in the lifestyle once we get issues worked out at home.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Nope.


Okay, I posted that BEFORE I saw your post.

I knew I liked you for a reason...


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## Tourchwood

MarriedInlove, thank you. 

anyone else can share his experience


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## ArabianKnight

we have tried soft with friends during camping


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## Lon

Why not just be friendly with other couples, meet for intimate (nonsexual) conversation, enjoy the company, share your love in life but don't make it about sex. Sexual problems in your marriage can't be solved from the outside-in, its the other way around, but I think if you can make some good human connections and friendships together as a couple you may start healing that longing feeling you seem to be having in your heart for a connection to something new and exciting.


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## PBear

What is a "soft swap"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Sounds like a bad idea.


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## Lea2407

PBear,

Soft swapping is any sex play outside of intercourse with another couple. Apparently, there are levels that range from over the clothes touching to oral sex. If there's any intercourse, it's considered hard swapping or swinging.


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## sexysally

Hi torchwood
thought I would give you a real answer from someone who has actually done this,
it was incredibly hot and it made us steam for days and weeks and months after, it was like an intense erotic workshop

first, we have been married 13 years and are totally devoted to each other-could not have done this when I was younger and more insecure
second, I the wife, arranged the who - made me feel empowered, made jealousy a non issue.
third,
it was a fantasy we both shared, OK, not so much the watching at first, but I did have the my husband and I sharing a girl together fantasy and he had the watching me with the other girl fantasy,
sounds like you have thought it out, hope your wife was very active in all that planning and fantasy

we were lucky to have a great experience with another long time married couple. 
no secrets, no shame, give yourselves permission to be naughty together. I honestly say that other men might cheat to get thier excitement. my hubby and I are naughty together


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## ArabianKnight

Sally that was a greate post.


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## Riverside MFT

I am wondering if you have considered other ways to spice up the sex life besides soft swapping? Also, how does your wife feel about this?


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## Soccerfan73

I honestly wouldn't be able to handle that. I'd rather chew glass than to watch my woman with another man. More power to those who can I suppose.


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## that_girl

Soccerfan73 said:


> I honestly wouldn't be able to handle that. I'd rather chew glass than to watch my woman with another man. More power to those who can I suppose.


:iagree: I don't share food and I don't share my husband. But I do anything he wants (i love it) so he has no complaints in bed.


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## sprinter

I have a good friend who has "full" swapped a few times over the years. It wasn't a frequent thing. They were very selective, though. That's a must! Their marriage survived it. However, they had a hard time finding the right mix and both being satisfied which probably led to them stopping.


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## Lon

that_girl said:


> :iagree: I don't share food and I don't share my husband. But I do anything he wants (i love it) so he has no complaints in bed.


Funny analogy! I'll share food from the pantry, even my plate, but not once I've committed it to my mouth!


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## Rob774

To each tis own. I'm a very jealous, insecure person. No way i go down this road. I can only speak for myself and my marriage (12 year vet)... if we find ourselves at the doorstop of this... then we have more issues going on than just the bedroom.


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## OKCFunCouple

Hello all, I as searching Google for something different but this post came up and I could not resist posting because my wife and I are very familiar with this situation.

A little about us, we have been married for 22 years (in 2 weeks from today). We are best friends, are are very protective of each other and would do anything for each other AND we are swingers and this has actually made our marriage stronger since we started it a while back.

OMG I know I know HOW can having sex with others make a marriage stronger?? That’s not the first time I have heard that question. Look we all have some sort of fantasy when it comes to our sex life?? Come on you know you do  We trust each other enough to allow each other to have friends and lovers IF we choose to. 

We tried the swap thing with other couples but my wife found see did not like other guys (other than me) she found out she was into girls and now we have an occasional girlfriend over for a night of fun. 

I DO NOT play with our girlfriends unless my wife is present although she is allowed to if she wants.

Look we are not some sort of heathen or anything like that, we just enjoy sex, we enjoy other girls in the mix now and again.

Like I said we have been married for a long time and still enjoy sex with each other 2-3 times a day. GOOD SEX, RESPECT and LOVE is the key to a great marriage. 

To those that think this will ruin a marriage need to look at the statistics on how many people cheat and go behind their spouses backs to get it elsewhere.

This has made my lovely bride and I much closer.

Just my 2 cents.


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