# What do I do?



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years. 5years dating and 3 1/2 married. We got married I thought because we were in love. So how I ended up here. On June 4 of this year my father passed. We decided to move back in with my mother so we could help her. After we got moved back in my mother decided her health was poor and she went to live with her brother for a while. After two weeks after I got home from work on Fathers day she was sitting on the couch with a concerned look. She said she had something to tell me. So I told her to fire away. Well, she said that she's not sure if we can be together anymore and that she thinks that there is a better person out there for me. I asked her why and then she went into detail how she felt like she has no value, no possessions, and she feels like hes half way in and half way out of our marriage. I was floored. We have had problems before. Most of them were caused by me. I had a porn addiction that really bothered her. It took a lot of fighting for me to stop but by the time I did she said that it doesn't bother her anymore. She said that she feels like I have never shown her any affection or romance in the 9 years together. Romance has also been a problem for us too. I never knew how to romance a woman. I thought if I was a good husband and father then everything would be ok. I know I helped put us here. But she also told me she has been chatting online with people and she is torn by the fact she has emotional connections with strangers rather than me. I told her I am not going to keep doing the things that bother her. I have also told her I can learn to show her my true passion for her. These are all things she has heard before and understandably she doesn't believe me. She also feels like there are things she missing by being married. Like opportunity to go live life. We are both hurting right now and have no idea if we will get back together or not. She's afraid that my changes will only be temporary and that after 6 months I'll go back to leaving her emotionally empty. I have gotten a marriage counselor for us and today is the first session. I know it's going to be tough but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lose the mother of my child. I really love her and it kills me that she doesn't feel that love anymore. So what do I do now? I've been reading on this forum for a week and I see a lot of people mention the 180. Is that something I need to do? She's willing to try to work things out but said that they might not work. She's also been staying with her best friend the past couple of nights so she can have her space. I try not to contact her while she is out doing whatever. That is really hard. I want to write until my fingers bleed of how much I love her but I know it won't make a difference, will it? I am going to continue reading and posting here so I have some kind of outlet. Thanks for this forum.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, do the 180.
It's great that you are going to MC. 
It sounds like she may be having an affair. 
Don't push too hard for her or you could lose her.
When someone wants out, the worst thing you can do is try to pin them down against their will. 
You need to listen to her and validate her and empathize with her at MC today. Acknowledge where you know you have done wrong and tell her you are very willing to fix it.


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Thank you Jellybeans! It hurts so damn much that I just want to cry and I am. I just need a little encouragement and guidance as I head down this dark rough road. Thank you!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The thing here is you have a history of making promises to her and not following through. So she is used to that. You need to make her see you are committed to breaking the pattern and owning your behaviors.

In the end, the ball is in her court.

Don't chase her.


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

What if then she wants to come home for a evening? Do I deny her or let her come over? I know I would love for her to come over but I don't think it will help any.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Wow your story sounds so much like mine did about 2 years ago... I wish I knew then what I know now, the big thing for me would really have been to man up, take charge of my life put up my boundaries and be the kind of man my W wanted to stand behind. They (married women) say they want to loving devoted husband and responsible man who does the providing, but in reality they want a man to just take charge of things - and IMO if you get bogged down with the day to day stuff, like I did, you just burn out.

Make time for yourself, make her accounantable for her responsibilities in the relationship (for me this is a big failure on my part I just gave her all the freedom in the world, and she thought she'd be able to "live life" better, still does now she's left me but economic reality of it hasn't quite hit her yet), find your strengths again and stick with them, don't be a doormat and realize that at some unconscious level this is a game. My wife was telling me she needed me to fulfill more of her needs (more romance, more planning, more disciplining of the child, more cleaning around the house). I realize now that I already was doing all that and burning out from it, it was her that was not doing her part and successfully shifting the blame because I let her, when after counselling I found some motivation and tried even harder she just gave up and said it wasn't me, she just is not into sexual activity, she started to look to a sexual abuse issue she possibly faced as a child (I say that because at this point I'm not really sure if I believe there really was any or if it was something her mind convinced her of).

Man up bro before she seeks a full fledged affair to either validate her sexual desires or else just to exit the relationship. Part of manning up means willing to let her go if she doesn't respect your boundaries, but note that it will take some time for you to build confidence. Whatever you do, if you go to IC or MC make sure you do not find a touchy feely counselor that wants you to find ways to do more or be better at doing her bidding, make sure you get one that understands the basic primitive role of men and women in a relationship... navigating this will be difficult but if you both want a wonderful marriage then you will both have to let go of some stubborn ideas and you in particular have your work cut out - if I could give you an ounce of the pain my W's infidelity caused as a motivator I would, I guarantee you it would shock you back to life.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants to come over, let her. Don't fall down though crying in front of her. 

DO say you know you have done wrong and are willing to commit to your marriage and work at things in a way you never have before.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Whatever you do Wanna, don't beg and grovel in front of her. You are at this stage now. MC is great. Yes, let her come over for dinner. On the other side, for yourself, start doing the 180. Show by example that you will change. Either way it goes, it will be good for you and will make you a better partner in the future whether it's with her or someone else. I know my comment about "someone else" doesn't make you feel better about your situation, but as JB said, "the ball is in her court." And if she is having an EA online, her mind is closed off to you anyway. So do for yourself so that she can see the changes and become attracted to you again - if she can get past the resentment - mine couldn't and is walking out on me! But that is OK because I feel like I have learned a great deal from my experience. Hang in there.


----------



## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

@TS - Don't you just hate it when things happen without a warning? I've in a similar state you are in now, less the affection and porn, but regardless of what the reason is, we have neglected our wife, lets accept that fact. Its hard for men to see that we have made a mistake, that we have FAILED. But with that acceptance, comes humility to change... 

The only thing we can do now is to make sure she sees the concrete and consistent change in you. You are luckier than me since she told you what was missing, at least you have a headstart on what you need to change, unlike me, I was left cold and wondering what the heck happened. 

She sees that she is able to get what she needs from you elsewhere (Emotional connection with strangers). 

I think that the 180 isn't applicable to you now. What you need to focus on is HER. Show her that you are capable of loving. But that will only happen if you can guarantee yourself that you CAN and WANT to change. 

Instead of focusing on the 180, I would suggest you rent/buy the Fireproof movie. This should hit the spot. Best to do the Love Dare too. She isn't angry at you or anything, which is a good thing (I wish I had that). Heal yourself... Pray... Change... and win her back.

A friend who was separated and reconciled once told me... Focus on your 3 M's (Master... Mission... Mate)

Fix your relationship with your Master, then he will direct you to accomplishing your Mission (Work, Kid) then sure enough He will fix your relationship with your Mate...


Good luck buddy! Cheers to all of us who are steadfast in wanting to win back our "lost" wives... 

Feel free to read my thread on the Reconciliation Stories thread...


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

cisco7931 said:


> @TS - Don't you just hate it when things happen without a warning? I've in a similar state you are in now, less the affection and porn, but regardless of what the reason is, we have neglected our wife, lets accept that fact. Its hard for men to see that we have made a mistake, that we have FAILED. But with that acceptance, comes humility to change...
> 
> The only thing we can do now is to make sure she sees the concrete and consistent change in you. You are luckier than me since she told you what was missing, at least you have a headstart on what you need to change, unlike me, I was left cold and wondering what the heck happened.
> 
> ...


You can try this but you need to make sure she hasn't COMPLETELY checked out of your relationship. If she is long gone and showing apathy, either she won't even notice your changes, OR, she will certainly notice your changes and be even more pissed off because you didn't do them sooner when she asked you, or she just won't care.

On the other hand, if you feel like she is waffling in her emotion to leave the marriage than, the Love Dare might work.

Just my .02 cents worth.


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> You can try this but you need to make sure she hasn't COMPLETELY checked out of your relationship. If she is long gone and showing apathy, either she won't even notice your changes, OR, she will certainly notice your changes and be even more pissed off because you didn't do them sooner when she asked you, or she just won't care.
> 
> On the other hand, if you feel like she is waffling in her emotion to leave the marriage than, the Love Dare might work.
> 
> Just my .02 cents worth.


What is the love dare?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Well we went to MC yesterday. I don't think that this is the right one. He was focused on me making things better. While we were there I found out that my wife wants to be able to support herself and buy things like a car. After the session she said the way she feels is that one person cannot give her all she wants. She thinks she needs to be able to love whom ever whe wants and that she doesn't want to have to worry about the family anymore. She thinks that living together and doing thing s separately will help he figure out what she wants. I told her that I know if she gave me the chance she would see that I am changing and I won't stop changing for the better. I am going to find a new councilor who thinks of her as a person beyond a wife. I don't know if living together is really going to work. I am more convinced she needs to move out and get her s**t straight. That way she doesn't get to see me but only for our child. What do you guys think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks for the update WMIB, man you are in a tough spot... just keep doing the very best you can for you, she needs to see you in a different light fast because the longer she finds you unnatractive the sooner she will start making new connections - to me based on my failed relationship, I saw how primal my wife acted through this especially as soon as she let someone in and went into the fog... Do everything you can to keep her out of the fog, which is hard because you are also trying to give her space. Now is not the time to slack, spend the next month straight taking care of business, and then at the end of the month do it again, everything you've wanted to get done find time to get done, eat healthy, workout, fix some things, let her smell your sweat. Lay down some separation ground rules, don't talk about your relationship with her because it will just remind her that it is all bad - talk about yourself and be willing to pay a compliment... You can't afford to appear weak at all (I went soft and sad and it just solidified her choice to walk, even though it was something I needed to do - I wish I'd found a way to not be weak just when she was around). If you can plant seeds to show her the grass is not greener on the other side, do it, just be subtle and discrete. Good luck I hope you come out stronger because of all of this...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> After the session she said the way she feels is that one person cannot give her all she wants. She thinks she needs to be able to love whom ever whe wants and that she doesn't want to have to worry about the family anymore. She thinks that living together and doing thing s separately will help he figure out what she wants.


Cool. Cut her loose. 
Stop supporting her if she wants to support herself.
If you don't like the MC, get a new one. 
Re: separation--you are still fighting her on her decision (when you said "I told her that I know if she gave me the chance she would see that I am changing and I won't stop changing for the better."

Don't fight her on this. It will make it worse. it's considered "chasing."


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Cool. Cut her loose.
> Stop supporting her if she wants to support herself.
> If you don't like the MC, get a new one.
> Re: separation--you are still fighting her on her decision (when you said "I told her that I know if she gave me the chance she would see that I am changing and I won't stop changing for the better."
> ...


Ok. I am not talking to her about my work on myself. I have contacted another councilor who I hope will be less of a womanizer. I mean how could I take the prior councilor seriously when he made us feel like that my wife should be satisfied as a housewife only. When she said she was looking for a job he told her, " Good luck" in a demeaning tone. Well we can't always find what we need on the first try now can we? So I have been doing all the house chores that need to get done while shes gone with her friends and I've been doing all the cleaning at our house that we need to put up for sale. I have never been so stressed on so many levels. Between not working enough, going flat broke, and having to take care of our house I am mentally spent. I haven't asked for her help at all yet she insists that she will help me if I need it. I need the help but won't ask her for it. She is staying with me because I won't put her on the streets, she's still the mother of my beautiful child after all. Our son has been missing his mom and his cycle is all screwed up. He's used to seeing his mom everyday when he wakes up and goes to sleep and in the past week he's lucky if she's here for either. Should I contact her if our son is missing mom a lot? I dont want to because it makes me look like I can't handle him but I don't want our son to be upset either. I have been running everyday to relieve some stress. Some days it works better than others. I wish I could go out and have a drink but we have no babysitter and my mom has been acting weird ever since dad passed this month. So basically I have noone to watch him if I want to go out. But if she wants to go out I already have our son so she doesn't have to ask anyone to watch him. Should I have her watch our son when I go out? What when she says he cannot be watched where she is staying? When she is home should I fulfill her physical desires? Such as sex and bed time cuddling? I have been sleeping on my recliner whenever she stays over which is every other day or so. Do I need to tell her its either in or out of the house or just let her come and go as she pleases? Thank you everyone for sharing your experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

And what is the "Love Dare" I can't seem to find anything here on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Yesterday I finished cleaning up our old place. We moved back in with my mother after my father passed and didn't finish cleaning. After we got done with that we began the tedious task of organizing and sorting through my mothers stuff. My wife keeps saying, " You should find yourself a nice girlfriend." Man am I tired of hearing that. My W also noticed that I haven't been telling her I love her and she asked me why. The only thing I could think of is, "I just don't feel like saying it." She doesn't think that is a valid excuse. I have stopped all talks about the future and she asked me what I wanted to do. My answer was a single word, therapy. I got a hold of a new therapist and we go see them on Tuesday. This weekend the W made plans to take our son to the zoo and she invited me. I told her I wasn't sure if I could go due to work but that was just an excuse. Should I go with them? Do I continue the cold shoulder at home? I can tell she's been thinking a lot since I started working on myself, having fun without her, taking care of things that need to be done. Am I on the right path? I don't know but it seems to have grabbed her attention. When do I begin showing affection once more? Do I wait until she starts by saying she loves me? I will keep on this path and continue improving myself. I've even considered going to therapy for myself since I have a lot of emotions building up and I don't want to tell friends becaue I don't wan them to judge her although some already have. Any input is always appreciated. Thanks and have a good day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

So she helped with the yard sale and it was pretty successful. I am not giving her any of it because all of it needs to go to bills. She thinks I am being unfair. Now she's chatting with whomever while I am in the room which was the only request I asked for her not to do. Whenever I am feeling distant from her I read stories from here and most of them tell me to move on without her. I am trying to not get mad and argue which lately I have been doing well. I don't ask what she does on the phone or what her plans are. She has all these ambitions that involve her living with me while she gets on her feet. Right now I am so mad I don't want her to stay here and don't want to help her. On the other side I don't want to push her away or let her get hurt. I try to maintain a positive attitude but it gets very hard and even harder that my birthday is coming up. I mean with all that's been going on in my life this is just one giant turd on top of a giant turd. I'm neck deep in the stuff and am spinning wildly in my head. What do I do now? Tell her whats bothering me or let it slide? Let her stay or tell her to leave? I just don't know right now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Also I was wondering about cyber spying? Is that something I should stop or should I do it to gather evidence, just in case?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

I will start a new thread tomorrow as it seems this one has died.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yzcajunman (Jul 3, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> And what is the "Love Dare" I can't seem to find anything here on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The Love Dare is a book that is a companion to the movie Fireproof. its a wonderful tool to make you realize a lot of things for your relationship and your life! its a 40 day guide to bettering your relationship and your life. this book has been instrumental in helping me to understand myself and my spouse.
I bought the book yesterday at Walmart for about 13.00. this is the second copy and is for my wife as she bought me the first copy and stated she wanted to read it after i was done. The movie Fireproof is a movie that kind of shows a man doing the book, you should definetly watch it! ( warning Kleenex required)
my wife is also having an EA while i sit around the house and hurt but, you have to keep that hurt to yourself or run the risk of pushing her further away.we are seperated living in the same house right now but, I will not give up even though she has already done so. please do yourself a favor and read the book and watch the movie , you will not regret it...


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Arrgh! Another day of being separated. It's true from all I've read that it is a rollercoaster ride! I can be feeling ok or even good then I do something that's routine and it gets me down all over again. I haven't ran in two days and I really need it to release some stress. Today our son is getting to go to a family friends house for a cookout and swim. I am going so I can have fun with my boy. She's going to be there too of course since it's really her friend In the first place. I will try to make it apper as if nothing is wrong for our friends sake. They are great supportive friends but they will only do so much for her. I have tried to get her to move in with her friend but she feels like a 5th wheel overthere and she wanted to come home and I let her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Well the party got rained out and I am stuck indoors watching her msg her buddy. She found my phone on with my spy account on. Now she has stopped the msg save that I was using to spy on her. I will try to do some recon on it later. I think until then I am going to ask her friend if she can go stay with her because I can't cover my anger. Is that a good thing to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Well I got the message working again. Of course I don like what I see. Of course it shows on my beet red ears. Tonight I am going to go find Fireproof and the book Love Dare. I don't have the cash on me now so I have to wait until I get home for cash. I know we still have a couple of hours before we leave the party. The messages I read were to the point of traveling to meet this guy. And of course sex was involved. I feel like saving these messages could prove useful if the D gets nasty. I don't understand how she can tell me she wants to work on our marriage and keep talking to this guy. It's too bad for me because I read them and have to keep cool all the while we live together. How can anyone handle this? It makes me very angry that she thinks that I cannot provide for her needs. I have worked so hard to keep us afloat and now she wants to get a job so she can get away from me? She wants me to start her a savings account!?!? No way! I have told her all of my money is going to the same place it has always gone to the damn bills!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Well me and my W had an intense discussion after the party yesterday. She discovered I have been spying on her. She was pretty upset. She said she thinks she might be ready to throw in the towel. In our discussion she told me she was goin to go meet this guy in a few months. Of course I wanted to lose my head and plead and beg but I did not. I told her that sh has already made a decision that hurts me greatly and that I still want to go back to a councilor. She said she had to sleep on it. I said that was fair. She also mentioned that since she told me how she felt that I haven't changed at all. I told her that change won't happen overnight and that it's going to take time. She said she was done trying, that she has been doing all of the work in our relationship for the last 9 years and there was no more to give. I asked if there was nothing left in our relationship worth saving, she surprised me when she said there was. I am getting a new MC tomorrow. My damn heart is broken and I am hurting really ba today. I know if I can do what needs to be done I have a chance of saving our marriage. Do you think the 180 still applies to my separation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

I checked out Fireproof and The love Dare I do not feel it is the right approach. Hell right now I don't know if the 180 is the right approach. She asked me how I feel and I tell her good and she seems surprised. A few of those times I was faking it. Ever since this EA arose in our marriage, mine not hers, she said she felt like it was all different after that. Plus when I broke up with her it put her back into an emotionally abusive home. I feel she holds resentment against me for that too. She says nothing I do anymore has any affect on her whatsoever. Indifference is how I see it. 
Now that I have written some of this out I do feel like the 180 is my last chance. Meanwhile I am reading a book that I feel applies more to me than others I skimmed. I am ordering "Love Busters and He Needs/ She Needs. I feel like if I don't do some action now all will be lost forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

So if my W is having an EA in our home I should tell her how it upsets me and set boundaries such as, "When you are talking to the other guy it is disrespectful to me, our child and our marriage?" or, "As long as you are talking to him you cannot live with me?" You know I love her and don't want her to leave but I am at the end of a rope here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated living together since Fathers Day. I feel the same way sometimes and when I do I get on here and find something to inspire me. The Men's Clubhouse is a great place to read about being a man going through these tough times. I am currently watching my wife have an EA less then 5 feet away! After reading some threads in the Men's Clubhouse I have decided to "man up" and be honest about how she makes me feel when she is doing that in front of me. I cannot lie to her anymore even though I think it will keep her around. Today when I get home from work I am going to give her a choice, either she does not chat with this guy when I am around or she can move out. My damn birthday is this weekend and I am dreading it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> And what is the "Love Dare" I can't seem to find anything here on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a movie out called "Fireproof." It has to do with re-kindling love in a marriage. The Love Dare is the book that is mentioned in the movie, it is a book about trying to get your marriage back on track. You can look it up online.

I will warn you though, if she has completely checked out of the relationship, this may noy help but your marriage is worth trying everything to save it. Keep in mind also, that you also need to be happy with whatever choice you make.


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

I checked out both Fireproof and The Love Dare and afterwards I still don't think it is the right approach. The book I got instead is "Good Husband, Good Marriage" I feel like it relates to me better. A lot of things in the book are pointers on all the little things that have gotten me to this point in my marriage and how to change those habits. I never was romantic but I have a good starting point with this book. I am still doin the 180 as much as applies to me. I have a new MC setup for later this week. If I don't like them the first time I will go back at least one more time. No matter what I need someone to talk to and try to help me sort my feelings out. I feel like a robot with all of my wires hanging out and tangled. Work has reprimanded me for calling in sick. Can't be screwing up there anymore or I will be looking for a new job. Today I continue reading my book until I go to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Well the wifey was upset at OM (other man) because they set a time and he was not there. I told her "That's too bad.", in a plain tone voice. Yea it made me feel a little better. Does that mean they are not talking? I'm not holding my breath on that one. She still plans to take her "affair trip", as I am calling it now. She thinks that it will give her the time and space she needs to decide what she wants. I know what I want, and that is to move forward with myself and continue improving my relationship with my son. This Thursday we go to the new MC and I hope this one really listens and asks the right questions. There are a lot of things to discuss and I know 90% is due to me. Either I was lacking or I just was wrong I now know the great amount of suffering I have put her through. You know I first thought it was a few things like 5 or 6 items. But now I know that was a dreamed up number, I have realized that it is as high as 25-30 issues. From not listening, not talking, not connecting, not being respectful, not caring, lying, cheating,being sneaky because I knew what I was doing was wrong. All of these things I am ready to own up to. It's tuff, I know she told me a million times that I don't listen enough or I never show her appreciation. I know that I cannot change any of the past, now I must become better not for her, but for myself. To be a better person in life, to actually live again. I want her to be a part of it. But I realize that when she figures out what she's doing she might not want me. It hurts like hell but I have to accept that my own actions have led me here. The only thing I can do now is change.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

nickiblue said:


> its great you can be so honest about yourself
> im sure its 5-6 big things followed by 20 smaller things, but i imagine if you make a list of things she did to you, big and small you may end up with a similar number.


This is what I keep trying to tell myself.


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Really right now I can only see the EA (emotional affair) and that's it. Other than that I do see everything I did wrong. I know there is nothing I can do but not make the same mistakes again. I don't know if I have a chance with my W still but am going to make the changes for myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Wow! Came home from work and W had a melt down. She's mad at me for making these positive changes now rather than years ago. I told her I am going to continue to change wether we stay together or not. She asked me for money. I told her no and she got mad at me saying everything she has done in this marriage was for free. That she didn't get paid to do the dishes, wash laundry, or take care of our son. I told her I truly appreciate everything she has contributed to our home. Then she went on to say that it's not fair! That I am doing these things after she told me she thought there was someone better out there for me. She then tells me that I have been against her trip when before I would have said it's ok. Hell yes I am against a trip where my W is going to test her fidelity with a man who has swooned her over the web. I mean what did she expect? "Here's some money honey. Have a great trip. And BTW don't cheat on me!" I just told het if she wanted to take the trip that bad she would figure out a way to do it. Then she's mad at me for not going out to the bar, when I have to get up early the next day. I don't know what to do except to try and remain silent until MC tomorrow. I never thought in my life I would be happy to go see a therapist!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

So before I went back to work W and I had a deep conversation. It was about passion and romance. She told me that passion was #1 of things our marriage lacks. I know I haven't been the romantic husband. As a matter of fact I was a flat line in that area. So now I want to show her my love and be more romantic. Won't that just piss her off even more? She told me if a guy was just nice enough to her she'd go home with him! What the hell do I do now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

How do you deal breaking down at work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> So before I went back to work W and I had a deep conversation. It was about passion and romance. She told me that passion was #1 of things our marriage lacks. I know I haven't been the romantic husband. As a matter of fact I was a flat line in that area. So now I want to show her my love and be more romantic. Won't that just piss her off even more? She told me if a guy was just nice enough to her she'd go home with him! What the hell do I do now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And she said she doesn't think we can find the passion between us. I think it's because she in that EA with the OG. Does that make sense to anyone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> How do you deal breaking down at work?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im probably one out of 3 people on here that aren't employed at the moment. I lost my job when I had to move back home. Im not working for the rest of the summer, and am a student for the rest of the year.

Back to the question. Before I moved and still had a job I would go to the ladies room and totally breakdown for a couple minutes then head back out. Not sure what kind of job you have but I let my boss know what was going on and they were okay with my many ladies room breaks. If I couldn't make it to the ladies room I had a water bottle or drink handy and would gulp until the tears stopped swelling in my eyes. 

Oh, and another trick I have is wearing a hair tie/elastic around my wrist and pinging it against my wrist when I get the urge to cry. Its supposed to encourage your mind to think of the pain you just caused instead of what you were originally thinking of.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> And she said she doesn't think we can find the passion between us. I think it's because she in that EA with the OG. Does that make sense to anyone else?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she is in an EA at the moment, then yes it makes total sense. She could be in the fog. 

Judging from your other posts your W has no idea what she really wants though. 

Just to make this clear, are you guys going to MC while she is still having an EA??? Is she in affair mode w/OM while still going to counseling with you?


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Okay I just re-read some of your posts. 

This is NOT cool. 
Did you set boundaries with her? 
Did you tell her that she darn well can't be having an affair in front of your face and get away with it?! 
This is sooo disrespectful.

Ahh this makes me so angry! She might have a right to say you should have started making positive changes in your relationship a long time ago, but you are now. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Shes the one choosing to have a freaking affair right in your face! She's the one saying that she wants to "work" on the marriage but is flaunting this OM right in front of you and trying to decide what she "wants". 

The MC is not going to work if she is still conversing with OM!

I know you still love her and want your marriage to work out but man if she is still talking with OM you need to either tell her to hit the road until she ditches him and is serious about working on your marriage, or set some boundaries of your own that help YOU not her.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> So before I went back to work W and I had a deep conversation. It was about passion and romance. She told me that passion was #1 of things our marriage lacks. I know I haven't been the romantic husband. As a matter of fact I was a flat line in that area. So now I want to show her my love and be more romantic. Won't that just piss her off even more? She told me if a guy was just nice enough to her she'd go home with him! What the hell do I do now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay. Missed this one. 

Holy frig. Your wife must think she is one entitled person. 
It's like shes trying to make you compete with another man. 
If she wanted romance why didn't she say so 8 years ago! 
If I were you I would tell her ditch the OM and Id show you all the romance you can handle. 
Do not degrade yourself to trying to romance your W while she is having an EA with OM and flaunting it in your face. Please.

You cannot do anything until she ditches OM completely.


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

@caughtdreaming, I read your posts and you have hit the nail on it's head. She is confused, she doesn't know what she wants, she wants to talk about our relationship but she doesn't want to stop talking to OM. She's also afraid to talk about all of her feelings to a stranger. I told her that for us to be able to work on us she would have to be completely true. She thinks that since she has always been tempted by other men that it cannot change. She doesn't think the therapist will understand either. Today at therapy I am going to talk a lot more than she would probably want. She thinks that going to therapy that they are going to make her do things she doesn't want to, like not talking with OM, or not taking her "space vacation." She said that she can't share all of her feelings with me because her feelings would hurt mine. And you are right today I set boundaries that are good for me and will probably upset her. I cannot take this pain lying down anymore! I am going to lay down 1 ground rule, that as long as I am present she cannot chat with OM. I really want to tell her to just stop but I know it will not work. Today I am retracting all and any romantic advances. I will not give her anymore affection. I will not continue talking about our relationship until she is not talking with OM. I am going to sign up for individual therapy today. That way I can tell someone face to face how I have been feeling. She still wants space but has nowhere to go. What can she do about that? She doesn't have a job and we are flat broke living paycheck to paycheck. So neither of us have any savings right now. The only money we have saved is for our son and I will be damned if we take his money away from him. How does she have the balls to ask me to help her raise money for her "trip"!!!!! I told her there wasn't anything I could do to help her. Thanks everyone for reading about my mess and for all of your advice. This forum has helped a lot. I just wish I wouldn't have been in this bad of shape before coming here. I am going to have a great day at work. Then it's off to MC this afternoon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wannamakeitbetter (Jun 27, 2011)

@caughtdreaming, yes she has told me over the years that I wasn't romantic enough. I know it's true I did very minimal things, most were to get me out of trouble. I am learning how to be more romantic. She thinks that either you got it or you don't. Same with passion she thinks either you got it or you don't. She thinks that love just happens and when it's "real" or "true" love that everything will be ok no matter what. She compared true love to "Married With Children", saying "they act like they hate eachother but they are all better by the end of the episode." I don't think it's that easy but she thinks it is. I know I need to rebuild the love in our marriage. I know that she has been emotionally starved and that is the biggest reason why I think she is having an EA w/OM. But yea I cannot continue to try to show her my romantic loving side while she continues to hurt me. Should I share some of the pain I am in? Should I tell her, in a calm controlled voice, that as long as she is talking to OM that we cannot work on our relationship? I don't want to drive her away but I think the train left yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> Should I tell her, in a calm controlled voice, that as long as she is talking to OM that we cannot work on our relationship? I don't want to drive her away but I think the train left yesterday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES.
She is putting a half arsed effort into working on your marriage if she is still talking to OM.


----------



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Wannamakeitbetter said:


> How does she have the balls to ask me to help her raise money for her "trip"!!!!! I told her there wasn't anything I could do to help her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't know but do not cave in and give her money for the affair "trip". 

Is she not able to work? 
If she wants money and independence tell her to get a job.


----------

