# Problems with grandmother-in-law please help



## julnie12 (Sep 29, 2013)

I'm having some problems with my mother-in-law and don't know how to approach or resolve these issues. My husband and I had our first child, a boy, almost a year ago. Ever since he has been born my mother in law has crossed boundaries countless times and I just bite my tongue so we all get along and I'm to the point where I can't do it anymore.

From the time he's been born she behaves as if she is the mother figure and always knows what is best. She not only gave constant advice when it was not necessarily wanted, but enforced these things when she would visit even when I didn't want her to. She would let him cry it out when I didn't believe in that, when I would want to breastfeed she would say "but it's not time" and try to prevent me from doing it. She tried to talk me into stopping breastfeeding at 7 months because my back went out and "I might need surgery". It was clear that I was going to get better and didn't need surgery. It's as if she's jealous of the bond I have with my son and she tries to prevent me from doing it while I'm there. There are countless other examples like not letting me hold or interact with him, passing him to others when he's crying out for mama, making sure she and my son are the center of attention at get togethers. The last straw was when we were at the fair and she asked to hold him and when she started walking away with him she said "you're too attached to your mom". Whenever I do get to hold him she walks right beside me, uncomfortably close, sticking her neck out and baby talking to my son. I can't take her controlling behavior anymore. I don't understand where her possessiveness is coming from. We live about an hour south of her but I come visit at least once a week, and I've let her have free reign when I visit because I want my son to be close with his grandmother but she's making me not want to even visit anymore. And just to make it clear, I feel I'm a pretty normal mother. I'm close with my son but I love him more than anything, and I don't feel it's in an abnormal way. This whole situation and the things she has said are making me second guess everything and feel insecure. I can't take it anymore and I would love advice on how to deal with this situation. Thanks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ugh, this was how my own mother was! But, since I was her daughter, I very easily told her to back the F off! I held my baby too much, I nursed her too long and too frequently, I never let her cry it out... ARGH! Even had arguments about car seats, my baby is now 27, my mother felt they were horrible!

You MUST assert yourself or this will only get so much worse.

You have to assure her how invaluable her support is, how lucky your son is to have such a doting grandmother...bla bla bla... Then you tell her it's very important she respect your choices and decisions as the mother of the child. Admit that there may be times when, like all new parents, you may go overboard in caring and loving your son, but those remain your choices. Then you tell her going forward, you expect her to back off with undermining comments designed to make you feel like she is second guessing your parenting skills.

Furthermore, I suggest you do this with your husband and her husband, if she's married, present. Then when you leave and she bad mouths you, her husband can calm her down and your husband can also act as buffer for when she tries to insinuate she's been cut out of her own grandson's life! Oh yeah, had that happen too!

Get your husband on board first. Agree what to say, then make plans to have the talk. This will get worse and worse as your son gets older.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I'll never understand this ongoing "keep the peace" mentality. It's not starting war by demanding respect! Had my mother or mil had said that to my son about me and my wife, I would have flipped!!!! My mom used to think she knew it all about parenting (she was NOT a good mother IMO) I made the comment "just because your four kids survived doesn't make you the parenting expert" she now keeps her opinion to herself. 

Why would you want your child around someone that has no problem attacking you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

My Mil tied this crap. No way no how. 

H refused to say anything. I finally did. So I was the B1tch. It was my child. 

Needless to say H is stbxh and his refusal to ever stand up for me is one of the reasons I am grateful to move on. 

If it helps make things clear she is being passive aggressive and undermining your parenting. You need to have your H do something about it because when your back is turned she will do whatever she wants regardless of your choices. Like you don't want him to have ice cream or nuts till 2. Back is turned "don't tell your mom" and then you discover your son has a nut allergy. Protect your son.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is why I don't talk to my mother. Lol

Seriously tell her to put a sock in it. This is your baby not hers.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

This needs to be stopped NOW! It will only get worse. 

My SMIL (who never had any children of her own and only came into my H's life when he was 18) once cut our daughter's hair. We politely asked her not to do it again. A few months later, she did it again. She was told that if she could not respect our wishes, as her parents, we would not allow our daughter to visit at their house anymore. She yelled "You're lucky I didn't give her a pixie cut!" and stormed off.
Then she started calling CPS on us. The first time she claimed we were neglectful and didn't feed our daughter. She (our daughter) is extremely petite but very healthy. So CPS showed up and asked to see our kitchen, etc. We were happy to show them and while they were there, went ahead and showed them the paperwork from the nutritionist that we had met with the day before as my daughter met with one every 6 months. The report was unfounded and dropped. 
A few months later, they show up again. I had had a mental/medical issue that landed me in the hospital for a few hours one night. My husband had been drinking so we had called his parents to take the baby since I was going to the hospital and we weren't leaving her alone with an inebriated daddy. 2 days later, my daughter fell and hit her head, I took her to the ER. Well, CPS was given the story that I tried to commit suicide in front of my daughter and she hit her head because daddy was drunk. Huh?? I was able to show them medical reports that the hospitalizations were days apart. Case was unfounded and CPS said they would be more skeptical of calls coming in from that person. Normally, CPS doesn't give out info about who made the report but my SIL worked there and confirmed my suspicions. Then when I confronted my in-laws, they admitted it. 
Anyway, after those tactics failed, she just outright started saying she was going to hire a lawyer and get custody. She had an entire bedroom set up for our daughter and was just horrible. My FIL would talk crap about me to my H, SMIL would call and start talking crap to me about my H. When they realized they weren't splitting us up and had no chance at getting custody even if we did split, they showed up at our doorstep with bags full of clothes and toys for our daughter, dropped them next to the trashcan and started screaming at me that I was a bipolar liar, a *****, etc., and that they never wanted to hear from me again but if we ever wanted them to adopt our daughter, they would. I was in TEARS because I had no clue what was going on and my H never said a word. Later when I asked him why he stayed silent, all he said was "You can't argue with crazy." Simple as that. 
We haven't had anything to do with them in almost a year now. 
At some point, you have to decide whether your sanity is worth your child having a relationship with their grandparents. 

Hopefully, OP, you can talk to your husband and get on the same page with him first. Then together, as a united front, talk to grandma and tell her where she stands. She had her turn raising children, and now it's yours! She needs to back off and if she can't respect YOU, she needs to be removed from the equation. Good luck!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MyHappyPlace said:


> This needs to be stopped NOW! It will only get worse.
> 
> My SMIL (who never had any children of her own and only came into my H's life when he was 18) once cut our daughter's hair. We politely asked her not to do it again. A few months later, she did it again. She was told that if she could not respect our wishes, as her parents, we would not allow our daughter to visit at their house anymore. She yelled "You're lucky I didn't give her a pixie cut!" and stormed off.
> Then she started calling CPS on us. The first time she claimed we were neglectful and didn't feed our daughter. She (our daughter) is extremely petite but very healthy. So CPS showed up and asked to see our kitchen, etc. We were happy to show them and while they were there, went ahead and showed them the paperwork from the nutritionist that we had met with the day before as my daughter met with one every 6 months. The report was unfounded and dropped.
> ...


Good GOD! and I thought my mother was crazy!

Hats off to you for surviving that! 

The one good thing about my mother is she taught me the importance of allowing my kids to make their own mistakes, the importance of being a supportive and loving mother without trying to run their lives. She taught me all that by doing the exact opposit!


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## songbird123 (Sep 30, 2013)

Her behavior is totally unacceptable and IMO, your H should put a stop to it. My MIL is bat crap crazy and my husband puts up with none of it. I agree with everyone who says enforce the boundaries now because it will only get worse.


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