# Too long single - Red flag?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's a big red flag for me, but should it be? 

Let's say for example... * jaw drop * a *decade*.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> It's a big red flag for me, but should it be?
> 
> Let's say for example... * jaw drop * a *decade*.


Why is this a red flag? I thought you didn't want to ever get remarried? So this seems like the girl for you. She isn't in a rush now is she?

I'd be more worried about other red flags than this supposed one.

How long since your divorce?

Seems more like you are the one single for 10 years....
that might be red flag to a girl looking to get into a long term relationship/marriage.

So I guess I don't understand is it you (the guy) or some girl that is 10 years single? And what kind of red flag are you worried about? It seems the major flag here is inability to commit. I guess one could assume that anyone single for 10 years had something wrong with them.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Because that is single longer than I've had one marriage and several relationships.

It's like another world to me.

I'm not talking about marital status, I'm talking breaks between relationships, anything even FWBs.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Hey, I don't think it's a red flag by itself. Maybe through getting to know her or by directly asking, you'll know the reason why and then you can decide if it is indeed a red flag.

It can also be looked at in a more positive light -- that she isn't one to jump into a long-term relationship or marriage just for the sake of being in one because that's what might be expected.

Or, she could have been in prison. LOL. I'm joking.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anastasia6 said:


> Seems more like you are the one single for 10 years....
> that might be red flag to a girl looking to get into a long term relationship/marriage.


Its eight months for me. The woman in question said my breakup was 'recent' which was a red flag for her. 🤷‍♂️

Like ok... it's almost a year!



> So I guess I don't understand is it you (the guy) or some girl that is 10 years single? And what kind of red flag are you worried about? *It seems the major flag here is inability to commit. I guess one could assume that anyone single for 10 years had something wrong with them.*


That's the thing, because she's quite attractive too I assume something is wrong with her.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, I don't think it's a red flag by itself. Maybe through getting to know her or by directly asking, you'll know the reason why and then you can decide if it is indeed a red flag.
> 
> It can also be looked at in a more positive light -- that she isn't one to jump into a long-term relationship or marriage just for the sake of being in one because that's what might be expected.
> 
> Or, she could have been in prison. LOL. I'm joking.


I googled it and read a story on reddit about a woman who was single 10 years to get an idea what it could be like, anyway basically she took 4 years to even recover from an abusive relationship. Then 6 more years just nothing.

It's just out of this world (for me)


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I didnt date for several years after my marriage ended by choice. I didn't think I was emotionally ready. 
Others jump in far too soon. 
Has she said why she hasn't dated for 10 years?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I didnt date for several years after my marriage ended by choice. I didn't think I was emotionally ready.
> Others jump in far too soon.
> Has she said why she hasn't dated for 10 years?


Nope, not yet, and maybe she'll ghost me as I may have been insensitive by asking her why.
Two of them actually, another one just said 'a very long time' before dropping off the radar.

Maybe it was a bad question to ask


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Let's say for example... * jaw drop * a *decade*.


These aren't the droids you're looking for........... move along.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personal said:


> These aren't the droids you're looking for........... move along.


Being as picky as it is, I want to re-evaluate at least some things I consider red flags lol

So why aren't these the droids I'm looking for?


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I googled it and read a story on reddit about a woman who was single 10 years to get an idea what it could be like, anyway basically she took 4 years to even recover from an abusive relationship. Then 6 more years just nothing.
> 
> It's just out of this world (for me)


Yep, I think I know what story you're talking about.  I think what she said made a lot of sense and it was pretty insightful.

A number of times on here I've mentioned that my first marriage ended due to abuse and I'm now married for a second time. I didn't date for a while after my first marriage ended. If I didn't meet my current husband, I might still be single.

If you're interested in this woman, then maybe it's worth it to get to know the reason(s) why she's been single for this long?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Yep, I think I know what story you're talking about.  I think what she said made a lot of sense and it was pretty insightful.
> 
> A number of times on here I've mentioned that my first marriage ended due to abuse and I'm now married for a second time. I didn't date for a while after my first marriage ended. If I didn't meet my now husband, I might still be single.
> 
> If you're interested in this woman, then maybe it's worth it to get to know the reason(s) why she's been single for this long?


If either of them answers, it's probably not the best question to ask but I am having a 'closing down sale' on my online dating shop so I really don't give a F lol

Another thing I noticed was when I met someone months ago we clicked because we were in the same emotional wavelength as we both broke up with our partners during last year's lockdown. Then when I encounter women who have been single for so long it's like - maybe there is too much dissonance?


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Nope, not yet, and maybe she'll ghost me as I may have been insensitive by asking her why.
> Two of them actually, another one just said 'a very long time' before dropping off the radar.
> 
> Maybe it was a bad question to ask


I don't think it's an insensitive question to ask. This post just reminded me that my husband asked me too. I think what he said was something like, "How are you still single? I would think some guy would've snatched you up by now!" So I guess he put it more like a compliment but it was still a question. Sneaky! LOL


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> I don't think it's an insensitive question to ask. This post just reminded me that my husband asked me too. I think what he said was something like, *"How are you still single? I would think some guy would've snatched you up by now!"* So I guess he put it more like a compliment but it was still a question. Sneaky! LOL


Oops, maybe that's how I should have responded/asked. Complimentary not so blunt


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> So why aren't these the droids I'm looking for?


Does single for a decade mean, she's been growing cobwebs inside? Or does it mean she's been enjoying herself with others, just not wanting an ongoing relationship?


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> If either of them answers, it's probably not the best question to ask but I am having a 'closing down sale' on my online dating shop so I really don't give a F lol
> 
> Another thing I noticed was when I met someone months ago we clicked because we were in the same emotional wavelength as we both broke up with our partners during last year's lockdown. Then when I encounter women who have been single for so long it's like - maybe there is too much dissonance?


Well, do you think you having been single for a lesser amount of time really decides if you're unsuitable with someone who's been single longer? If you click, you click, you know? But I can see how you might click easier with someone who has been single for a similar amount of time.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Oops, maybe that's how I should have responded/asked. Complimentary not so blunt


LOL! Well, at least if there's a next time, you're prepared!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personal said:


> Does single for a decade mean, she's been growing cobwebs inside? Or does it mean she's been enjoying herself with others, just not wanting an ongoing relationship?


 Hahaha

Well what would you think of either? lol


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Its eight months for me. The woman in question said my breakup was 'recent' which was a red flag for her. 🤷‍♂️
> 
> Like ok... it's almost a year!
> 
> ...


I’ve been single an extended period by choice. If I met someone interesting enough then I would date them.
I’m happy, happy by myself, happy when with others.
I don’t consider it a red flag - I do what I want when I want. I was married a long long time - I intend to live life having fun - alone or with someone. I don’t rule anything out.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Well, do you think you having been single for a lesser amount of time really decides if you're unsuitable with someone who's been single longer? If you click, you click, you know? But I can see how you might click easier with someone who has been single for a similar amount of time.


8 months vs 10 years is a bit of a gap  
It's lifestyle too, I noticed the longer they have been single the less room they have for someone in their lives. I was like that as well after divorce many years ago.



so_sweet said:


> LOL! Well, at least if there's a next time, you're prepared!


Heh to be honest I just stole your husband's line and shoehorned it into both their chats and see if I can make a smooth recovery 
Let's see if it works lol


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Well what would you think of either? lol


Since I value, really high quality sex, with variety and plenty of wanton enthusiasm. I would sensibly avoid those with cobwebs.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personal said:


> Since I value, really high quality sex, with variety and plenty of wanton enthusiasm. I would sensibly avoid those with cobwebs.


I don't, not for that reason at least lol - it's more lifestyle / availability / mindset for me.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> 8 months vs 10 years is a bit of a gap
> It's lifestyle too, I noticed the longer they have been single the less room they have for someone in their lives. I was like that as well after divorce many years ago.
> Heh to be honest I just stole your husband's line and shoehorned it into both their chats and see if I can make a smooth recovery
> Let's see if it works lol


The lifestyle thing -- you're right, I hadn't thought about that!
Oh, and let me know if his line works!!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> *The lifestyle thing* -- you're right, I hadn't thought about that!
> Oh, and let me know if his line works!!


Aye, so notable red flag?


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


RandomDude said:


> Aye, so notable red flag?


If someone doesn't have room in their life for someone, then yes.

I can see someone being single for sooo long that they get set in their ways in a way and might not want to make room for someone new. But I wouldn't assume that everyone who's been single for a long time would be like that.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> If someone doesn't have room in their life for someone, then yes.
> 
> I can see someone being single for sooo long that* they get set in their ways in a way and might not want to make room for someone new*. But I wouldn't assume that everyone who's been single for a long time would be like that.


 Or if they can.

I dated one who was single quite a while, I forgot how long, it was months ago (last year) but I do remember getting put off by it and had the feeling she's too far gone. She was in her 30s. Maybe I just can never be bothered dealing with the 'readjustment' phase? Hell that one wasn't 10 years either...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Nope, not yet, and maybe she'll ghost me as I may have been insensitive by asking her why.
> Two of them actually, another one just said 'a very long time' before dropping off the radar.
> 
> Maybe it was a bad question to ask


Probably best not to ask early on.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Probably best not to ask early on.


This is why OLD is so sucky, in real life there's tone of voice / body language, but in text everyone is left to their assumptions.

It's an important thing to know though!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Or if they can.
> 
> I dated one who was single quite a while, I forgot how long, it was months ago (last year) but I do remember getting put off by it and had the feeling she's too far gone. She was in her 30s. Maybe I just can never be bothered dealing with the 'readjustment' phase? Hell that one wasn't 10 years either...


I guess it's a wait and see thing? Well, if one wants to wait and see, that is.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> This is why OLD is so sucky, in real life there's tone of voice / body language, but in text everyone is left to their assumptions.
> 
> It's an important thing to know though!


Would a coffee date work better to ask certain questions? Just a thought.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> I guess it's a wait and see thing? Well, if one wants to wait and see, that is.


Sometimes I wonder if I have too many red flags, I swipe left to dog lovers too with the assumption dog lovers want partners who shower them with lots of love constantly, and cat lovers would understand more a partner who needs space 😅



so_sweet said:


> Would a coffee date work better to ask certain questions? Just a thought.



True, but if a coffee date and that gets dropped on me a decade single I doubt I would have been able to hide my jawdrop lol


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with the lifestyle thing. My bf has never been married and I'm fine with that, but with someone like that it's a concern as to whether they can incorporate a partner into their life.

There were a couple of bumps early on but it's been a few years and he's doing really well now. So unless she has deep, dark train wreck secrets give it a shot and see how it goes.

We all have potential red flags anyway, but it's important to see where people are now, not last year.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Personal said:


> Does single for a decade mean, she's been growing cobwebs inside? Or does it mean she's been enjoying herself with others, just not wanting an ongoing relationship?


Could be as it is said, she was having fun riding the 🐓 🎠 and her #s may be on up there.

Or depending on age...they could be buckling down on education and didn't have time for partying or relationship and get high marks in college/post graduate/doctorate.

I can work with the later, but the prior is a no go.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Its eight months for me. The woman in question said my breakup was 'recent' which was a red flag for her. 🤷‍♂️
> 
> Like ok... it's almost a year!
> 
> ...


The only thing to do is go for it, and decide during the testing out experience.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

My super helpful answer is: it depends. IMHO, it completely depends on the individual person. I mean, if someone is divorced, you want to know why, not because you assume there's something wrong with them but because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If someone has had multiple long term relationships but never married, it would be a good idea to figure out where they are with marriage. These are all things you find out when you're dating someone. 😋 I'm very much in the "trust your gut" camp with people: if something feels off or you get an overwhelming sense of ickiness, trust that feeling and proceed with caution.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I noticed the longer they have been single the less room they have for someone in their lives.


Yeah, there's some truth in that. To me, 8 months seems like a very short time. I've been single a few years. If the right person was to turn up, I'd be interested, but like you say, I'm kind of busy with this and that.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, got a few replies, 'very long time' gal must have fled lol, only 3 active contacts left to wrap up business with

Looks like the @so_sweet 's line worked with 'decade' girl as she replied back, "guess just haven't found the one" was her answer... that's a red flag in itself 
Another has her favorite movie genre as my ex 😒 ... red flag!
Another has only one photo so probably a scammer toying with that one... red flag!

I like 'decade' girl though and I respect her answer. Yeah think I'll take her out.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think whether it’s a red flag or not depends on YOUR intentions. 

If your intention is traditional marriage and home and family etc, Then yes I would consider anyone that is physically attractive over 30 years old that has not been in any kind of relationship for 10 years as a red flag. 

One of my core beliefs is that people typically do what they want to do. 

If an attractive adult woman has gone 10 years with no relationships whatsoever, then either she doesn’t want to (in which case you have to ask what is so special about you that she wants to be with you that none of the other 3.5 billion men on earth have had)

Or there is something so fundamentally flawed with her that the other 3.5 billion men have stayed clear of her. 

.....or she was in prison for 10 years and isn’t counting the sisterly jailhouse love. 

So pick your poison - either she didn’t want to have any kind of relationship so you need to at least ask why now. 

Or no one has wanted to be with her and it would behoove you to find out why on that as well.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lemme put it this way. It shouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker in and of itself.

But it should trigger a higher index of suspicion and motivate you to look a little deeper and ask some questions before taking any kind of plunge.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

oldshirt said:


> I think whether it’s a red flag or not depends on YOUR intentions.
> 
> If your intention is traditional marriage and home and family etc, Then yes I would consider anyone that is physically attractive over 30 years old that has not been in any kind of relationship for 10 years as a red flag.
> 
> ...


Yes I also want to ask so much more but maybe I should take her out first and find out?
But if I ask her now it's so much easier and can save myself another awkward date 

Hmmm


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't think there's any one answer. It's going to vary from person to person. I stayed single my whole life. After a certain point I just realized I wouldn't be happy married under the same roof with somebody, at least not anyone I had met yet. But that's me. 

It used to take me about 3 years to get over either a breakup or unrequited love, but that did not necessarily mean I shut sex down during that time if there were attractive men around. But when young I definitely went through what any man would consider a long period without seeing a man I wanted to even have sex with. 

People have different recovery time and what they do during those times varies widely. 

I do however think that if a real attractive prospect comes along even at a bad time or an imprudent time, it will overcome a whole lot of that for better or for worse. 

I flipped like a switch after agonizing for 3 years over a guy I was in love with and then another one walked into my life that just overcame that because of how fast the bond was forming. 

Take your time.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Personal said:


> Since I value, really high quality sex, with variety and plenty of wanton enthusiasm. I would sensibly avoid those with cobwebs.


Just because someone isn't in a relationship doesn't mean they're not having sex necessarily.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I do however think that if a real attractive prospect comes along even at a bad time or an imprudent time, it will overcome a whole lot of that for better or for worse.


 True, a 2 month crush pretty much kicked my ex outta my mind, then got booted out lol

Hell I dunno



> I flipped like a switch after agonizing for 3 years over a guy I was in love with and then another one walked into my life that *just overcame that because of how fast the bond was forming.*


Maybe that's the thing, if chemistry doesn't overcome it then forget it. One date...


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Well, got a few replies, 'very long time' gal must have fled lol, only 3 active contacts left to wrap up business with
> 
> Looks like the @so_sweet 's line worked with 'decade' girl as she replied back, "guess just haven't found the one" was her answer... that's a red flag in itself
> Another has her favorite movie genre as my ex 😒 ... red flag!
> ...


Hope you have a really great time on the date! 
Oh, and glad the line worked!


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> True, a 2 month crush pretty much kicked my ex outta my mind, then got booted out lol
> 
> Hell I dunno
> 
> ...


That's how I operate but it's not how everyone operates. 

Some people are more pragmatic.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Yes I also want to ask so much more but maybe I should take her out first and find out?
> But if I ask her now it's so much easier and can save myself another awkward date
> 
> Hmmm


But again, that depends on your objectives.

If your intention is traditional marriage and home and family etc, you’ll want
To ask some questions. 

But to be fair, you need to ask questions and do some serious vetting no matter what if that is your intent. 

But just like an employer interviewing a job candidate, any big gaps in employment history should prompt some focused questions about those gaps. 

But if your intentions are to just get out of the house and have some dinner and movie dates or even some hook ups, then it’s not really that much of an issue.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Since I value, really high quality sex, with variety and plenty of wanton enthusiasm. I would sensibly avoid those with cobwebs.


Some of the hottest and most high-octane love’n I have ever had was with someone after a long dry spell.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> But again, that depends on your objectives.
> 
> If your intention is traditional marriage and home and family etc, you’ll want
> To ask some questions.
> ...


When single, visually I checked grooming consistency, did they have a car, and do they live with a female roommate. The car and roommate were really the only real questions. 

I had specifically no intention of getting M or ltr, so that was moot.

Then, I met the W. At a hot club, dancing, etc.
And here we are almost 40yrs M.

Moral to the story - don't get too hung up on things. If anything serious is going to happen naturally it will.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> When single, visually I checked grooming consistency, did they have a car, and do they live with a female roommate. The car and roommate were really the only real questions.
> 
> I had specifically no intention of getting M or ltr, so that was moot.
> 
> ...


40 years ago there was such a societal expectation for marriage that for many people, having a pulse and available and willing were the critical criteria. 

For some people it worked out fine because there was a societal and cultural template in place that supported marrying young and supported the marriage.

It’s different now. Men especially need to be more mindful and need to vet for far more than just someone being pretty and smelling nice. 

A guy can spend months or even years researching which car to buy or which set of golf clubs to get,, but in determining who’s name will share their mortgage, credit rating and who will be the mother of their children of comes down to how she looks in high heels and whether she sucks their winkie or not. 

A wrong choice in a mate can financially cripple a man for decades today and even wrongly send him to jail and deny any contact with his children (while still paying for them)

Marriage is a very high risk proposition for men today and they need to view it in terms of rational risk management and risk mitigation rather than who is pretty and is a good dancer at the club.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> But again, that depends on your objectives.
> 
> If your intention is traditional marriage and home and family etc, you’ll want
> To ask some questions.
> ...


I think with women, gaps just mean they're picky and don't need to be with anyone bad enough to be with someone they're not impressed with. Not everyone has to be coupled up all the time and honestly this is the first I'm hearing that that's any kind of a red flag, right here on good ol TAM.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think with women, gaps just mean they're picky and don't need to be with anyone bad enough to be with someone they're not impressed with. Not everyone has to be coupled up all the time and honestly this is the first I'm hearing that that's any kind of a red flag, right here on good ol TAM.


For 10 years though??? 

If someone has not had a relationship for 10 years, there is a reason. 

Like I said it may not need to be a deal breaker. 

But there is a reason behind someone not being in a relationship for 10 years.

And if you are wanting a relationship with that person, it would behoove you to know what that reason is.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think with women, gaps just mean they're picky and don't need to be with anyone bad enough to be with someone they're not impressed with. Not everyone has to be coupled up all the time and honestly this is the first I'm hearing that that's any kind of a red flag, right here on good ol TAM.


Yep. Any time a woman is alone, she's probably a witch. 😋 😂 😉 BURN HER! (I'm doing a whole Monty Python thing in my head)


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> For 10 years though???
> 
> If someone has not had a relationship for 10 years, there is a reason.
> 
> ...


Likely the reason is because they haven't met someone that suits them.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think with women, gaps just mean they're picky and don't need to be with anyone bad enough to be with someone they're not impressed with. Not everyone has to be coupled up all the time and honestly this is the first I'm hearing that that's any kind of a red flag, right here on good ol TAM.





TexasMom1216 said:


> Yep. Any time a woman is alone, she's probably a witch. 😋 😂 😉 BURN HER! (I'm doing a whole Monty Python thing in my head)


No one has said anything about people being witches or needing to burn anyone at the stake.

Let’s flip this around as I do not see this as a gender specific issue. I think after a certain age, single adult men come under just as much scrutiny.

If you met a tall, handsome, successful professional, adult man and then found out he had not had any kind of relationship or hook ups or anything AT ALL for 10 years, what would your initial thoughts be?

Would you think he was picky?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Likely the reason is because they haven't met someone that suits them.


Out of 3 1/2 billion men???


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> No one has said anything about people being witches or needing to burn anyone at the stake.
> 
> Let’s flip this around as I do not see this as a gender specific issue. I think after a certain age, single adult men come under just as much scrutiny.
> 
> ...


You would never know if he had hookups or not, but I would assume he did. And I would assume he didn't mind being single. Many men are very reluctant to commit. These days more and more women have not made finding the man their main mission either.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Out of 3 1/2 billion men???


That's right.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> No one has said anything about people being witches or needing to burn anyone at the stake.


I'm going to challenge you on this and say that is it never a bad time for a Monty Python joke. I know you weren't implying that, no one was, I was making a joke. I mean, come on, she turned him into a newt! (I hope you've seen the movie. If you haven't that makes ZERO sense. If you have it is HILARIOUS)



oldshirt said:


> Out of 3 1/2 billion men???


I doubt any single woman has met all 3.5 billion men. She hasn't found a suitable one among the tiny percentage of the men on earth with whom she has had contact.

You said it very well on another thread: Until less than 100 years ago, a "good husband" was a man who "wasn't a fall down drunk and didn't beat her." Now that women don't have to become prostitutes for room and board in order to survive, they have a choice. The "chads" are still marrying, having children, and living the way they always have. The men affected by women having a choice are men women don't choose. When given a choice, women would rather support themselves and be alone than be with these men. 

I do not feel that the solution is remove the choice from the women and return to the standard that being able to keep a job and not send your wife to the hospital a few times a month qualifies as being a "good husband." Ideally, there should be a balance: there should be advantages to men AND women in marriage. Many people (many, many people) find those advantages but it does require some effort on BOTH sides.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Would you think he was picky?


I prefer the term "discerning."


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> I’ve been single an extended period by choice. If I met someone interesting enough then I would date them.
> I’m happy, happy by myself, happy when with others.
> I don’t consider it a red flag - I do what I want when I want. I was married a long long time - I intend to live life having fun - alone or with someone. I don’t rule anything out.


That describes me too. I took my time rebuilding myself after my marriage imploded, and was also extremely busy with my career and single parenting the kids my ex abandoned. Dating took a backburner, and I discovered I enjoy my independence. I also have high standards, having learned from my experience. Next thing I know, a decade has gone by. I just have better things to do with my time than scroll OLD endlessly. If I meet someone organically who met my stringent requirements, though, I'd be open to dating.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Like an Indiana Jones movie, there's treasure to be found in women who haven't had any visitors in a while. 

As long as you're willing to have a few giant boulders thrown at you and aren't intimidated by all the corpses of the unworthy laying around.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> It's a big red flag for me, but should it be?
> 
> Let's say for example... * jaw drop * a *decade*.


Is this the woman in her early 20's? If it is then I wouldn't worry about her being single for 10 years. She's not not long out of her teens. She obviously must have had more important priorities like building her career, future etc. Maybe now she feels ready to date. I'd be more concerned if she slept with every Tom, **** and Harry or had 2 heads lol. Maybe arrange an evening out with her. You seemed to really like her. If 100% not interested then let her know ASAP or things could become more awkward at work. If not the woman in her 20's then ignore all above lol.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Is this the woman in her early 20's? If it is then I wouldn't worry about her being single for 10 years. She's not not long out of her teens. She obviously must have had more important priorities like building her career, future etc. Maybe now she feels ready to date. I'd be more concerned if she slept with every Tom, **** and Harry or had 2 heads lol. Maybe arrange an evening out with her. You seemed to really like her. If 100% not interested then let her know ASAP or things could become more awkward at work. If not the woman in her 20's then ignore all above lol.


Huh? Woman in her 20s has/had her own dedicated thread 😅 already dated her and no longer interested


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yep. Any time a woman is alone, she's probably a witch. 😋 😂 😉 BURN HER! (I'm doing a whole Monty Python thing in my head)





gaius said:


> Like an Indiana Jones movie, there's treasure to be found in women who haven't had any visitors in a while.
> 
> As long as you're willing to have a few giant boulders thrown at you and aren't intimidated by all the corpses of the unworthy laying around.


Hahahahahah  



TexasMom1216 said:


> I prefer the term "discerning."


Hey I'm picky too! Picky and proud! 😅

But despite that I still found rather amazing women in my life within up to years sure but not a decade lol


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’m more suspicious of someone who doesn’t know how to be happy on their own… and chooses bad partners just to NOT be alone.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

'Very long time' gal decided not to ghost after all, @so_sweet guess ur husbands line worked on both now lol except her response was that she doesn't like to talk about history only moving forward...

So she didn't even ended up answering me 😑 I'm going to assume a decade as well 🙄


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Huh? Woman in her 20s has/had her own dedicated thread  already dated her and no longer interested


Sorry lol. I need to keep up. If she (the woman your post is about haha) is giving you red flags then trust your instincts. Good luck with your dating


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Hahahahahah


Whenever you want to date someone, the perfect litmus test is: does she weigh more than a duck?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Whenever you want to date someone, the perfect litmus test is: does she weigh more than a duck?


Sadly weighing is taboo on a first date 😖


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


RandomDude said:


> 'Very long time' gal decided not to ghost after all, @so_sweet guess ur husbands line worked on both now lol except her response was that she doesn't like to talk about history only moving forward...
> 
> So she didn't even ended up answering me 😑 I'm going to assume a decade as well 🙄


Does not wanting to speak about her past sound like a red flag to you? I think it kinda does. But doesn't matter what I think, are you going to continue talking to her?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> Does not wanting to speak about her past sound like a red flag to you? I think it kinda does. But doesn't matter what I think, are you going to continue talking to her?


Yes it is, and I'm not so sure with that one, she's the most beautiful of the 4 I've shortlisted, at 37, an artist and a writer, her works are impressive and creative flair is something I look for as I want someone with at least a bit of imagination.

But, she won't answer me 😑 so I'm going to have to assume. We're almost 40 who cares about the taboo stuff we aren't 'supposed' to talk about bah!


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


RandomDude said:


> Yes it is, and I'm not so sure with that one, she's the most beautiful of the 4 I've shortlisted, at 37, an artist and a writer, her works are impressive and creative flair is something I look for as I want someone with at least a bit of imagination.
> 
> But, she won't answer me 😑 so I'm going to have to assume. We're almost 40 who cares about the taboo stuff we aren't 'supposed' to talk about bah!


Well, she won't answer you right now, it doesn't necessarily mean she'll never. And I say that now knowing she's a creative person. Creative people often think a little differently than people who are not.

She sounds interesting, btw!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That describes me too. I took my time rebuilding myself after my marriage imploded, and was also extremely busy with my career and single parenting the kids my ex abandoned. Dating took a backburner, and I discovered I enjoy my independence. I also have high standards, having learned from my experience. Next thing I know, a decade has gone by. I just have better things to do with my time than scroll OLD endlessly. If I meet someone organically who met my stringent requirements, though, I'd be open to dating.





Beach123 said:


> I’m more suspicious of someone who doesn’t know how to be happy on their own… and chooses bad partners just to NOT be alone.


I'm going to lower my periscope and submerge soon too, it's weird because I'm judging them at the same time I'm planning to possibly do the same thing. I guess I just never had that long a dry spell though, that's why it's another world for me. Also they are beautiful women! I'm a dude! 

My ex was a stunner and had so many guys no matter where she goes salivating after her I ended up giving up on the fly swat and got used to it. So I put 2 and 2 together and it's like... WTF how does one so pretty stay single a decade ya know.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Well, she won't answer you right now, it doesn't necessarily mean she'll never. And I say that now knowing she's a creative person. Creative people often think a little differently than people who are not.
> She sounds interesting, btw!


Thanks for calling us them weirdos 🤪 lol
On her profile page she mentioned something about vulnerability so this morning moving on from the question she refuses to answer (😑) I asked her about how she feels about vulnerability with a future partner, and she mentions it's always difficult for her (of course it is - that's why I asked because I suspected as much).

When two people have their walls up I don't know. By comparison I was 'besieged' and intrigued by someone who wore her heart on her sleeve and had no fear (my ex). It was she who taught me how to get over devastation too, you simply face it again and again no matter how much it hurts. I guess I shouldn't keep comparing but it is what it is.

Speaking of which - I'm a red flag too! I'm always comparing people!


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Sadly weighing is taboo on a first date 😖


Yes dear, it certainly is. In the interest of your safety, you must never, ever discuss weight. 

😂😂😂😂😂😉


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Yes dear, it certainly is. In the interest of your safety, you must never, ever discuss weight.
> 
> 😂😂😂😂😂😉


Unless one wants to be turned into a newt!


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Unless one wants to be turned into a newt!


You won’t get better that time, I promise you. 👿


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You won’t get better that time, I promise you. 👿


Hahahaha


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just because someone isn't in a relationship doesn't mean they're not having sex necessarily.


Yep I got that, which is why I noted that distinction in the first place. With the "cobwebs inside" reference, referring to a woman who is (metaphorically growing cobwebs inside her vagina through lack of sharing sexual intercourse with anyone.



Personal said:


> Does single for a decade mean, she's been growing cobwebs inside? Or does it mean she's been enjoying herself with others, just not wanting an ongoing relationship?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Some of the hottest and most high-octane love’n I have ever had was with someone after a long dry spell.


So you're telling me that a woman who will go 10 years or more without sharing sex with anyone, has a high sexual drive? 'Cause if you are, I don't believe you.

Now sure they can go off in the moment, and or for a little while going forward. Yet a man is on a fools errand, if he thinks a woman who can go without sex for a decade or more, has a high sex drive, and will swing from the chandeliers with him frequently and consistently going forward.

One thing for sure on the probabilities, your chances of having an ongoing sexual relationship devolve into a sexless one. Is magnitudes higher with a woman who doesn't want sex that much, that she can avoid it like the plague for a decade or more.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks for calling us them weirdos 🤪 lol
> On her profile page she mentioned something about vulnerability so this morning moving on from the question she refuses to answer (😑) I asked her about how she feels about vulnerability with a future partner, and she mentions it's always difficult for her (of course it is - that's why I asked because I suspected as much).
> 
> When two people have their walls up I don't know. By comparison I was 'besieged' and intrigued by someone who wore her heart on her sleeve and had no fear (my ex). It was she who taught me how to get over devastation too, you simply face it again and again no matter how much it hurts. I guess I shouldn't keep comparing but it is what it is.
> ...


Oh, I'm sure there's a bit of a red flag in all of us!

Not being vulnerable, or at least right away, is different than having walls up?

I view vulnerability as a positive thing, a strength that allows you to open up and helps create an intimate relationship. Having a wall up I view more as a negative thing where you don't allow anyone in no matter what. I literally picture a stone wall that's impossible to get through.

In my experience being able to be vulnerable with another comes with time and it doesn't always come so easily, perhaps especially so with deep thinkers (I think many creative people fall into this category). I would actually be wary of someone new who deeply opened up to me right away. I'd be weirded out.

Also, being repeatedly devastated sounds awful to say the least and sorry you went through that.



RandomDude said:


> Thanks for calling us them weirdos 🤪 lol


Haha!  Now I'm curious what your line of work is! I write non-fiction for a living, which can sometimes be a bit boring (example: written materials for a business) but sometimes super fun, like when I researched and wrote about the possibility of time travel! I also write fiction for fun. I'm beginning to sound like quite the geek!


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Personal said:


> So you're telling me that a woman who will go 10 years or more without sharing sex with anyone, has a high sexual drive? 'Cause if you are, I don't believe you.
> 
> Now sure they can go off in the moment, and or for a little while going forward. Yet a man is on a fools errand, if he thinks a woman who can go without sex for a decade or more, has a high sex drive, and will swing from the chandeliers with him frequently and consistently going forward.
> 
> One thing for sure on the probabilities, your chances of having an ongoing sexual relationship devolve into a sexless one. Is magnitudes higher with a woman who doesn't want sex that much, that she can avoid it like the plague for a decade or more.


It does seem likely, although you can't rule out frequent use of marital aids.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Oh, I'm sure there's a bit of a red flag in all of us!
> 
> Vulnerability is different than having walls up?
> 
> ...


I was too, yet she led the way with her heart and I fell in love. I know I can't expect everyone to be like that and it takes time to open up sure, but it's one thing to be wise about your choices, letting trust build itself up and another to be fearful. Fear is what makes it difficult.



> Also, being repeatedly devastated sounds awful to say the least and sorry you went through that.


Huh? I'm not lol
I hated the fact that ex was stronger/more mature than me emotionally so I learnt from her and well, don't fear it anymore. Just can't find someone worth another shot so far.



> Haha!  Now I'm curious what your line of work is! I write non-fiction for a living, which can sometimes be a bit boring (example: written materials for a business) but sometimes super fun, like when I researched and wrote about the possibility of time travel! I also write fiction for fun. I'm beginning to sound like quite the geek!


I'm happy with just an imagination, I enjoy creative work from time to time but my art / video / animations all suck and mostly sent to friends and family for a good laugh as I'm far from talented enough to publish them lol. When I see talent I see what I don't have so I get intrigued, especially when it means someone with an imagination too 😊


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personal said:


> So you're telling me that a woman who will go 10 years or more without sharing sex with anyone, has a high sexual drive? 'Cause if you are, I don't believe you.


To be honest a part of me is tempted to see for myself if I can open pandora's box...


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> To be honest a part of me is tempted to see for myself if I can open pandora's box...


It's your funeral.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personal said:


> It's your funeral.


Tempted only lol


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When women put things on hold for a long time, besides all the other reasons we've heard on here such as being busy with children or career, sometimes it's because they're carrying a serious torch for someone who they are holding out for. I've done that before myself. I did finally learn that I couldn't put myself on hold for that even though that's where my emotions were.

And this person may be someone they do have contact with but the person just is lukewarm and keeps them on the back burner or dangling or. They just keep hoping the timing will be right and they'll have a shot at them. That would be if the guy was in another relationship or something like that.

This woman is very forward so she's not afraid to make the approach so it's really hard for me to believe that she is on hold. If she's on a hold for some reason she should stop flirting with people and getting their pants on fire.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When women put things on hold for a long time, besides all the other reasons we've heard on here such as being busy with children or career, sometimes it's because they're carrying a serious torch for someone who they are holding out for. I've done that before myself. I did finally learn that I couldn't put myself on hold for that even though that's where my emotions were.
> 
> And this person may be someone they do have contact with but the person just is lukewarm and keeps them on the back burner or dangling or. They just keep hoping the timing will be right and they'll have a shot at them. That would be if the guy was in another relationship or something like that.


That's what ms crutch ended up doing (woman who I FZed because she reminded me too much of my ex), I thought she was a friend and I lost her as a friend when she got jealous over work crush and went all bonkers on me. Why do people do that?! 

Reminds me of a few male friends/orbiters too with my ex, you'd think they get the message then suddenly my ex showed me their messages and !!!!!



> This woman is very forward so she's not afraid to make the approach so it's really hard for me to believe that she is on hold. If she's on a cold for some reason she should stop flirting with people and getting their pants on fire.


Huh? Only work crush has been very forward (she was single 2+ yrs) , 'very long time' gal (who won't tell me how long) and 'decade' girl (who is well, decade girl) might have ghosted me if I didn't steal @so_sweet 's husband's line


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> she led the way with her heart and I fell in love. I know I can't expect everyone to be like that


I think wanting someone who leads with their heart is more than a reasonable thing to want. Maybe this should be listed in your OLD profile?


RandomDude said:


> Huh? I'm not lol
> I hated the fact that ex was stronger/more mature than me emotionally so I learnt from her and well, don't fear it anymore. Just can't find someone worth another shot so far.


Oops, sorry about that, I totally misunderstood. 
You just haven't found someone YET.  It'll happen, and probably when you least expecit as that's how these things often happen.


RandomDude said:


> I'm happy with just an imagination, I enjoy creative work from time to time but my art / video / animations all suck and mostly sent to friends and family for a good laugh as I'm far from talented enough to publish them lol.


I bet you give yourself less credit than you deserve. As they say, we're our own worst critic! 

Anyway, if you do end up going out on a date with any of these women, I hope you have a great time!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> I think wanting someone who leads with their heart is more than a reasonable thing to want. Maybe this should be listed in your OLD profile?


My OLD profile is a few jokes and assorted random photos and it's already paused. 

I'm only chatting to the contacts I have left to see if there's anything to pursue before I go dark and focus on myself again. I want to extend my single time a little bit too since 8 months is also a red flag lol!  Only reason I started this online dating last week was to check out the market so I ain't blindly sold on my work crush after all



> Oops, sorry about that, I totally misunderstood.
> You just haven't found someone YET.  It'll happen, and probably when you least expecit as that's how these things often happen.


Yes, like someone chasing me at work 😓


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> That's what ms crutch ended up doing (woman who I FZed because she reminded me too much of my ex), I thought she was a friend and I lost her as a friend when she got jealous over work crush and went all bonkers on me. Why do people do that?!
> 
> Reminds me of a few male friends/orbiters too with my ex, you'd think they get the message then suddenly my ex showed me their messages and !!!!!
> 
> ...


I'm talking about the one you like at work that you said calls you darling.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, like someone chasing me at work 😓


If you like her too, why don't you two go out? 
Does company policy not allow it or would you rather not date someone from work?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm talking about the one you like at work that you said calls you darling.


Like*d *- we already dated 2 days ago and she's old news except for me trying to avoid drama right now.
Right now I'm only checking out 4 other contacts from OLD that I've shortlisted, two of which have been single a long time hence this thread.



so_sweet said:


> If you like her too, why don't you two go out?
> Does company policy not allow it or would you rather not date someone from work?


Whole story is on the private members forum, it has been going on for months.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Like*d *- we already dated 2 days ago and she's old news except for me trying to avoid drama right now.
> Right now I'm only checking out 4 other contacts from OLD that I've shortlisted, two of which have been single a long time hence this thread.
> 
> 
> ...





RandomDude said:


> Like*d *- we already dated 2 days ago and she's old news except for me trying to avoid drama right now.
> Right now I'm only checking out 4 other contacts from OLD that I've shortlisted, two of which have been single a long time hence this thread.
> 
> 
> ...


Did the date not go well? I missed all that some way.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Did the date not go well? I missed all that some way.


Have a read, page 7, hope you're ready to be as disappointed as I was 

Anyway back on topic, still wary about the 10 year thing and unsure how someone can be holding a torch for someone that long. Nor is it even moral for anyone including the torchbearer - like what's the point of pursuing someone who simply isn't interested? Hell I never ever make a move until I can see that glint in their eye that they are interested.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

This stuff kills me! Why not just have a phone conversation or preferably meet for coffee? Get more of a proper sense of the person. 😊


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

My now wife had been single for a few years, since her previous husband died, when I met her. She was extremely hurt and defensive from a few not so great experiences with guys.

The first few years of courtship were rocky for a variety of reasons, due to both of us, and I had to put in probably 15x as much effort as I would have usually. But it was all worth it 

So many women have been dragged through the ringer I wouldn't assume she's some frigid, non sexual woman even with 10 years single.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> This stuff kills me! Why not just have a phone conversation or preferably meet for coffee? Get more of a proper sense of the person. 😊


You must not have read my contributions to the introvert memes thread.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> You must not have read my contributions to the introvert memes thread.


Hahah… right. Still, where does one-on-one for coffee sit with that?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> My now wife had been single for a few years, since her previous husband died, when I met her. She was extremely hurt and defensive from a few not so great experiences with guys.
> 
> The first few years of courtship were rocky for a variety of reasons, due to both of us, and *I had to put in probably 15x as much effort as I would have usually*. But it was all worth it
> 
> So many women have been dragged through the ringer I wouldn't assume she's some frigid, non sexual woman even with 10 years single.


 Yeah... not going to happen. I can play ball but never been one to pursue. If that's what it takes I'm sending those two fish back in the pond, they require a better man than I.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> Hahah… right. Still, where does one-on-one for coffee sit with that?


If they can open up the first lid of my can. But so far they have just presented me red flags (hence the thread)


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think you and I come from quite different views about this topic. And given I’ve been with my guy for more time than not across my life, I also give the disclaimer that I may be unqualified to give suggestions about dating these days.

Yet… introversion aside, wouldn’t it be better to meet and discover quickly whether there’s potential from in-person connection and as you have done before, rather than the somersaults you put your mind through until then? Case in point the ‘crush’. I mean, maybe the lead-up and not establishing whether she was a potential fit or not was fun and exciting and intriguing for you. For me it just feels like wasted mental energy. Still, you and I may be very different in that regard.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As for your original question in this thread, I’m with others who have suggested ‘it depends’ and could also connect with their discernment.

A friend has been single an extended time. She’s physically beautiful. She has dabbled in online dating from time to time, however knowing what’s occurred in her life, she has prioritised other things as a single mother - and which has included raising her daughter, establishing her career and to a decent salary, and financial stability. While she loves sex and is getting ready for finding a partner, she’s really been focused on those other things. Plus add in some toxic prior relationships and taking time for therapy. When she’s ready though, I think she’d make a heck of a partner… albeit adjustment will be needed. Yet I think she’s learned a lot about herself during the time, personal growth, and really set herself and her daughter up.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> I think you and I come from quite different views about this topic. And given I’ve been with my guy for more time than not across my life, I also give the disclaimer that I may be unqualified to give suggestions about dating these days.
> 
> Yet… introversion aside, wouldn’t it be better to meet and discover quickly whether there’s potential from in-person connection and as you have done before, rather than the somersaults you put your mind through until then? Case in point the ‘crush’. I mean, maybe the lead-up and not establishing whether she was a potential fit or not was fun and exciting and intriguing for you. For me it just feels like wasted mental energy. Still, you and I may be very different in that regard.


The crush was great for 2 months and also why after this I'm going radio silent and removing the OLD apps and waiting for the next organic encounter. I can easily tell when a woman is attracted within 2-7 seconds so it's no problem for me, the problem is MASKS 😑

Well if someone drops the bomb on me during the date that they have been single a decade I probably also would have been consumed with that red flag in my mind and unable to have further fun with her until it's processed lol - so it's great I sort this red flag out here and now


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> As for your original question in this thread, I’m with others who have suggested ‘it depends’ and could also connect with their discernment.
> 
> A friend has been single an extended time. She’s physically beautiful. She has dabbled in online dating from time to time, however knowing what’s occurred in her life, she has prioritised other things as a single mother - and which has included raising her daughter, establishing her career and to a decent salary, and financial stability. While she loves sex and is getting ready for finding a partner, she’s really been focused on those other things. Plus add in some toxic prior relationships and taking time for therapy. When she’s ready though, I think she’d make a heck of a partner… albeit adjustment will be needed. Yet I think she’s learned a lot about herself during the time, personal growth, and really set herself and her daughter up.


I understand career sure, but 10 years? If she's a doctor I get it, but the two with the red flags aren't, they also don't have kids.
Maybe it's something I probably may never understand until I go through it myself but even as a dude opportunities just present themselves.

For physically attractive women everyone knows they get hit up way more than guys ever would.

So 🤷‍♂️


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Yeah okay, especially without kids, I likely would feel hesitant too. There’s a lot one can learn through being in a relationship. Although the flip-side is there’s people in unhealthy relationships too or not willing to learn about themselves. Hmm it’s a quandary!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Granted, it depends what kind of connection you’re seeking.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> Yeah okay, especially without kids, I likely would feel hesitant too. There’s a lot one can learn through being in a relationship. A*lthough the flip-side is there’s people in unhealthy relationships too or not willing to learn about themselves.* Hmm it’s a quandary!


Very true...  hmmm


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I understand career sure, but 10 years? If she's a doctor I get it, but the two with the red flags aren't, they also don't have kids.
> Maybe it's something I probably may never understand until I go through it myself but even as a dude opportunities just present themselves.
> 
> For physically attractive women everyone knows they get hit up way more than guys ever would.
> ...


If I was single, I think I could go 10 years without being in a relationship if I didn't find the right guy.

As for physically attractive women getting approached a lot more than men would, well just 'cause a guy is interested in a woman doesn't mean she's interested in him, it doesn't mean he's her type. 

If every time a woman was approached by a man, he was the man of her dreams, a lot of women likely wouldn't be single for very long, never mind 10 years.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> If I was single, I think I could go 10 years without being in a relationship if I didn't find the right guy.
> 
> As for physically attractive women getting approached a lot more than men would, well just 'cause a guy is interested in a woman doesn't mean she's interested in him, it doesn't mean he's her type.
> 
> If every time a woman was approached by a man, he was the man of her dreams, a lot of women likely wouldn't be single for very long, never mind 10 years.


Sure of course but that's still ALOT of nos over 10 years, the law of averages just doesn't agree with not having someone decent show up within that time.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Sure of course but that's still ALOT of nos over 10 years, the law of averages just doesn't agree with not having someone decent show up within that time.


Well, maybe you're the decent one that has finally showed up in her life? 

Are there other red flags? Does she seem nice in every other way? If so, maybe get to know her to find out if the 10 year thing is truly an issue?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Well, maybe you're the decent one that has finally showed up in her life?
> 
> Are there other red flags? Does she seem nice in every other way? If so, maybe get to know her to find out if the 10 year thing is truly an issue?


Hahahahha  

Nah, only those two have that red flag. I'll keep chatting with them for now and see...


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Nah, only those two have that red flag. I'll keep chatting with them for now and see...


Sounds like a good plan!

Btw:


so_sweet said:


> Well, maybe you're the decent one that has finally showed up in her life?


I meant that sincerely!


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Tempted only lol


My wife just brought up another perspective worth considering. There could be a myriad of other reasons why someone may not have been with another.

They could have been a carer or had a serious illness like anorexia and have now recovered from it, and may make a fine partner moving forward.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Sounds like a good plan!
> 
> Btw:
> 
> I meant that sincerely!


My laugh was also sincere


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personal said:


> My wife just brought up another perspective worth considering. There could be a myriad of other reasons why someone may not have been with another.
> 
> They could have been a carer or had a serious illness like anorexia and have now recovered from it, and may make a fine partner moving forward.


Well, I am hitting it off with 'very long time' gal who still hasn't answered me about how long 😒, but we went on and on about a whole bunch of other stuff and it was really nice to talk to someone with deep thought and deep imagination, really sank into the conversation, one whole hour passed on active chat. Still unsure about her on the romantic side, but would be privileged to make an acquaintance with someone this accomplished - she has made a few publishings.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Well, I am hitting it off with 'very long time' gal who still hasn't answered me about how long 😒, but we went on and on about a whole bunch of other stuff and it was really nice to talk to someone with deep thought and deep imagination, really sank into the conversation, one whole hour passed on active chat. Still unsure about her on the romantic side, but would be privileged to make an acquaintance with someone this accomplished - she has made a few publishings.


Aw, this is so nice. 😊 It's always good to have a new friend, whether it becomes romantic or not.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> It's a big red flag for me, but should it be?
> 
> Let's say for example... * jaw drop * a *decade*.


You sure know how to poke the kangaroo!

One issue in this, for example, would be the habits of a long time bachelor. 

He has a set routine, and moving in with another person is sure to upset that routine.

Overly independent people need to find another mate, just like them.

It just _adds to_ the difficulty of finding someone compatible.

Most people are codependent to one degree or another.
Married people should be _somewhat_ codependent on each other, why else would you marry?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Aw, this is so nice. 😊 It's always good to have a new friend, whether it becomes romantic or not.


Only if the new friend is interesting enough to have, which she is  I'm gonna buy her book and see how deep can she build her worlds


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> You sure know how to poke the kangaroo!
> 
> One issue in this, for example, would be the habits of a long time bachelor.
> 
> ...


Exactly! Hence I am still wary...


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Have a read, page 7, hope you're ready to be as disappointed as I was
> 
> Anyway back on topic, still wary about the 10 year thing and unsure how someone can be holding a torch for someone that long. Nor is it even moral for anyone including the torchbearer - like what's the point of pursuing someone who simply isn't interested? Hell I never ever make a move until I can see that glint in their eye that they are interested.


Page 7 of what thread?

I carried a torch for a guy my entire life. He had a glint in his eye at different times. I forgot about him for years at a time, but he did sort of become the yardstick by which I measured other men. He never broke my heart at least which is more than I can say for other ones. He was out of the country for years at a time. What made him take on a woman on any sort of extended basis was if he had to save her, and I was not that woman, but he and I had a good rapport.

You can't let something like that take over your whole life, and I kept it moving, but if he had appeared in the middle of my more serious relationships, it would have rocked the boat. I met him in about 1971 and last had a rendezvous with him in 2001. Then he moved back out of the country after 9/11 and is old and ill, if he is even still alive.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

There are no better men than you Random Dude. But you usually get what you work for. Or less than what you work for. Some men work hard and get a real pile of dung in return. But I've never met any guy who had a really great woman pursue him and ended up living happily ever after.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Page 7 of what thread?
> 
> I carried a torch for a guy my entire life. He had a glint in his eye at different times. I forgot about him for years at a time, but he did sort of become the yardstick by which I measured other men. He never broke my heart at least which is more than I can say for other ones. He was out of the country for years at a time. What made him take on a woman on any sort of extended basis was if he had to save her, and I was not that woman, but he and I had a good rapport.
> 
> You can't let something like that take over your whole life, and I kept it moving, but if he had appeared in the middle of my more serious relationships, it would have rocked the boat. I met him in about 1971 and last had a rendezvous with him in 2001. Then he moved back out of the country after 9/11 and is old and ill, if he is even still alive.


Yeah, I can never do that, holding out for someone like that. I would see if there can be any future and if not then I take my interest elsewhere.



gaius said:


> There are no better men than you Random Dude. But you usually get what you work for. Or less than what you work for. Some men work hard and get a real pile of dung in return. But I've never met any guy who had a really great woman pursue him and ended up living happily ever after.


Of course there are, I wouldn't even call myself a good man  

That's the thing though, I play ball but never pursue. Maybe that's why I never ended up living happily ever after? 
From time to time sure, I can take an additional step forward, but I will NEVER take the 3rd step. Let alone the 15th. That's just me and my problem.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, I can never do that, holding out for someone like that. I would see if there can be any future and if not then I take my interest elsewhere.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, and it's not like I joined a nunnery while waiting. It _was_ the '70s. 
You are who you are. Changing some things can make people react differently, but if it's out of your comfort zone, then who knows how long that would hold.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, and it's not like I joined a nunnery while waiting. It _was_ the '70s.
> You are who you are. Changing some things can make people react differently, but if it's out of your comfort zone, then who knows how long that would hold.


Yeah, never going to happen I guess.

If I take any of these two out, max two steps, no ball then I'm out.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Good heavens... if work crush was like diving into a baby pool, this new girl is like diving into the Mariana trench... 

Impossible to class her as 'very long time' gal now I don't even care, she's too interesting.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Good heavens... if work crush was like diving into a baby pool, this new girl is like diving into the Mariana trench...
> 
> Impossible to class her as 'very long time' gal now I don't even care, she's too interesting.


Hey, that's awesome! Happy for you. Any plans for a first date yet?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, that's awesome! Happy for you. Any plans for a first date yet?


Was going to take her out if I didn't wake up with a bad foot, rather not make a bad first impression. I'm also quite busy this week so next weekend hopefully.

We are sending voice messages now and stalking each other lol, as an accomplished writer she's easy to stalk as there's photos / videos / the works  lol
Also found it funny reading her book and flirting with her at the same time! I'm actually quite surprised how we opened up so naturally recently, stars are aligning so far and we are way past the small talk. There's just so much here, been talking about topics that would fly straight past the head of most people. Kinda forgotten about the other three, because like, how can they compete with someone who literally can create worlds?

This would be the first introvert/introvert coupling in my life though, no idea how it would work and it seems I'm more extro than her (which is so weird, because I'm total intro too!)
But hey, don't want to get my hopes up too soon but I feel so privileged to even be making her acquaintance.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Was going to take her out if I didn't wake up with a bad foot, rather not make a bad first impression. I'm also quite busy this week so next weekend hopefully.
> 
> We are sending voice messages now and stalking each other lol, as an accomplished writer she's easy to stalk as there's photos / videos / the works  lol
> Also found it funny reading her book and flirting with her at the same time! I'm actually quite surprised how we opened up so naturally recently, stars are aligning so far and we are way past the small talk. There's just so much here, been talking about topics that would fly straight past the head of most people. Kinda forgotten about the other three, because like, how can they compete with someone who literally can create worlds?
> ...


Hey, it sounds like a REALLY good connection!!! You sound smitten, as I'm sure she is as well. I think the introvert/introvert thing isn't a big deal - you've never experienced this coupling before, so see how it goes, you could be pleasantly surprised. I agree not to get hopes up too soon, but it's fun to be excited it. Looks like the two of you are off to a really good start! Yay!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> Hey, it sounds like a REALLY good connection!!! You sound smitten, as I'm sure she is as well. I think the introvert/introvert thing isn't a big deal - you've never experienced this coupling before, so see how it goes, you could be pleasantly surprised. I agree not to get hopes up too soon, but it's fun to be excited it. Looks like the two of you are off to a really good start! Yay!


One thing for sure is that we both understand the need for space lol
I am reading her book now too and if we go out next weekend I'm going to tease her about dating a fan 😅


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> One thing for sure is that we both understand the need for space lol
> I am reading her book now too and if we go out next weekend I'm going to tease her about dating a fan 😅


That's so funny in a really cute way! Where do you think you will go for the first date? Any ideas yet?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> That's so funny in a really cute way! Where do you think you will go for the first date? Any ideas yet?


Not yet, but I would prefer somewhere quiet and I'm sure as a fellow introvert she would appreciate that too.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Not yet, but I would prefer somewhere quiet and I'm sure as a fellow introvert she would appreciate that too.


Sounds like a good plan. I'm excited for the two of you!


----------



## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

Never a red flag. It is not your fault if someone does not meet your expectations. Simply put, don't settle for the bare minimum.


----------

