# Spouse's confusing comments on the way I look...



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

_I know that this is more likely part of my H being totally BPD - or whatever it is that makes him act like he's possessed, but this is particularly something that puzzles me...

Sometimes, when he sees me dressed up nicely, with make up, nice outfit... done up hair... he comment.. WHY ARE YOU SO DRESSED UP? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 

On the flip side, I dress down... and he says things like WHY DO YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LOOK AWFUL! (makes faces like YUKK)

Its very confusing AND hurtful all at the same time. I try to let it go, but he's been doing it so often, It really is bothering me. I tell him that he is becoming so rude and its getting irritating, but he shrugs my comments like nothing.

Is he just trying to get under my skin for a reaction??? :scratchhead:

What should I say to really let him know it really bothers me now!_


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## Batman64 (Nov 25, 2011)

He does that because when you get all "dolled up", he sees your sex rank (SR) above his which makes him insecure. Tell him to get over it.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

that is kind of odd and mean.

next time you dress up very nice and he makes that comment, tell him its for him.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Uh, even at my worst, hubby never said I look awful. Not nice at all. 

I rarely dress up. Only if I'm going out. When my husband comes home from work, he changes into comfortable clothes. I wear comfortable clothes as well. I do put on jeans though. I'm usually wearing jeans and a t-shirt. If its cold, I put on a long sleeve sweatshirt.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

YES it's very hurtful- On top of the nasty facial expression, it makes me feel really UGLY!
Perhaps it is him trying to push me down. I am usually the stronger one, and confident one. I consider myself a strong - sometimes over opinionated woman. 
He caught me off guard, and really made me feel stupid. Almost a childish attempt to be little me.


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## Skylar (Oct 3, 2011)

Perhaps he feels insecure about himself. There's nothing wrong about dressing up once in awhile, even if you're not going out. Many men would love to see their wives dressing up just for them. Why not tell him that you're doing it for him?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell him you dress down so you feel more at his level.

What a jerk.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I can't hear his voice tone when he asks where you're going. Where I came from this was a joking remark that was used as a kind of compliment ... but I'll admit that in the culture where I grew up, people were not over-complimentary. 

Have you let him know that it hurts you when he says this? Does he know this has this effect on you when he asks you where you're going. IMO, even if you don't see it as a compliment, it isn't really disparaging ... but again, I can't hear his voice tone. I can see how it could be made to sound like that.

When you dress down, I don't know how to take that other than to say it's not a polite comment. I think it is the dressed down comment you are speaking of in your second post. Am I right.

If you don't want to go with the approach of letting him know it hurts your feelings, a couple of responses that would really shock me into realizing what I sounded like might be:

When you dress up and he asks you where you're going:

Nowhere. I really just wanted to dress up a little bit for you. I'd like for you to see me at my best sometimes. Do I not look good to you?

I was hoping we could go (insert name of place you'd like to go with him). I like to look nice when we go out. Do you think I look nice? 

Don't you like to be seen with a woman who tries to look nice for you?

Honey, I just wanted to look nice for you. I was hoping you would like to see me dressed up a bit.

(Any of those would shame me in a good way. If they were said sarcastically or defensively, I can see they might bring about a defensive answer, but if they were said sincerely, I know they really have an effect on me. How do you think he would react if you responded like that.)

For the dressed down comment:

Honey, how do you think that sounds to me?

Honey, I couldn't dress up today. I did yesterday (or whenever you did). Can you allow me today to not dress up? I'll dress up more tomorrow (or whenever you will). 

Can you help me pick out something you would like to see me wear?

I'm not sure what you would like to see me wear. Would you help me pick out something I can wear out with you? Then, can you go with me to Macy's and help me pick out clothes that both of us can agree on me wearing? And how would you like to see my hair done?

Those are just some suggestions I have. I just know the effect they would have on me. I'll let you decide how your husband would react to them.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

savannah said:


> _I know that this is more likely part of my H being totally BPD - or whatever it is that makes him act like he's possessed, but this is particularly something that puzzles me...
> 
> Sometimes, when he sees me dressed up nicely, with make up, nice outfit... done up hair... he comment.. WHY ARE YOU SO DRESSED UP? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
> 
> ...


Does you H actually have BPD? If he does then that is your answer.

If not then it simply might be that he feels hurt if you are dressing up for others but dress down for him. It may be that he just doesn't have very good communication skills and that is how he is expressing his pain. And before you question my choice of words it can be pain. My wife is a very beautiful woman. Of course all spouses believe that right? She would dress up when we went out or to social engagements even when I wouldn't be going with her. But around me she would dress way down. I understand that some spouses feel its ok to dress comfortably around the house and around your partner but think about it. They're the ones that should be attracted to you. They're the ones you should be dressing up for. But all too often they're the ones that never get that attention from you. When I expressed my feelings to my wife she and I had a very good conversation about the list of needs in His Needs Her Needs. Turns out my wife places physical attractiveness pretty high up on her list as well. While I have kept myself in pretty good shape my wardrobe has fallen off as I've become more settled. So we both made a concerted effort to dress better for each other. Problem solved.

If you are already dressing up for your husband (i.e. when you are home and not planning on going out) then you should sit down and talk to him and see what is really bothering him. Its an opportunity to connect and you shouldn't let it pass. Oh and by the way regardless of what he is feeling he should have come up with a better way of expressing himself than "you look awful." When you talk let him know how hurtful that comment is and suggest he work on his manner a little.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If your husband is in fact BPD, then expect him to have confusing comments sometimes. He needs to get some help, but regardless if he does or not, you will have to decide what you can and can not live with. With him getting no help at all or not even at least trying, this is how things will probably be for you.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I just learned this year that hubby hates me in my "old lady jeans" -he calls them. (elastic waist, pull on, like sweats, but denim material).

I now try to make sure I look "presentable" (in his mind) when we go out together. I didn't realize my "comfy" clothes - i call them- made him embarrassed of me.

And yet, when I try to look "better" for work, he asks what meeting I have at work that day. (He knows I don't usually care to put extra effort in appearance, unless there is a reason.)

I would have really liked to know, over the years that he actually had an opinion, instead of just his shrugs & "wear what you want". Or am I delusional & there might be a reason, he cares what I look like all the sudden this past year?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> I just learned this year that hubby hates me in my "old lady jeans" -he calls them. (elastic waist, pull on, like sweats, but denim material).
> 
> I now try to make sure I look "presentable" (in his mind) when we go out together. I didn't realize my "comfy" clothes - i call them- made him embarrassed of me.
> 
> ...


In general men are not the best of communicators. It may be that he didn't want to hurt your feelings so he bit his tongue for many years. One day he may have decided he was tired of biting his tongue and said something. Unfortunately it often happens that when a man finally does speak up they've been holding it in for so long that it comes out as a bitter harsh statement. Its really not fair to the wife if he didn't say something before but that's often how it plays out.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

I don't know if it's where I'm from...I feel like I'm reading a thread from another planet. I cannot imagine a husband commenting negatively on his wife's appearance this way! That is just mean. Plain MEAN. 

I can recall being cheated on, hit and emotionally berated but one thing even my POS ex did do - he did not tell me I looked bad! 

How rude!! That is just mean, and I really don't care if I *do* look bad...there's no excuse for that. It's just terrible, rude and hurtful.

Even if you're wearing mom jeans! I expect a man to be a gentleman. 

I love my husband. He is dead sexy. But if he goes out with me looking grungy, I would never be so mean as to tell him he looks like crap. He is my husband. That would be awful of me. 

I don't care if men are "more visual creatures" -- that doesn't give them a pass to be jerks.

Do NOT tolerate such behavior from a man who should be protective of your feelings. You don't deserve that.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Some men just don't realize how much it hurts for people to say negative things about our appearance. I have no job at the moment, am depressed and gained some weight. When I am home, I want to be comfortable, yoga pants and a baggy (albeit see-through) white t-shirt. 

He has often complained in the past that I should dress sexy for HIM every day. Hey, I don't want to walk around in garter belts and thongs at home! Oh, but he walks around in boxers and no shirt and that is just fine. SO SEXY INDEED!!!! haha

It seems to that when you do what he wants, that won't be enough and he will ask for more. You need to shut him down now before he gets out of hand.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh jeez, it's not a warning, it's an insult.

A warning would be buying her cute things to wear. Or asking if she's ok because she looks tired or warn down.

Putting down her looks and making faces is an INSULT. I'm sorry if you can't see it like that...maybe you tolerate too much in your own marriage.

My husband isn't rude like this to me. If I ask his opinion, he's honest, but just to comment on my looks without my asking? Never. Nor I him.

Yes, look good for each other, but you don't need to be his barbie doll. This is life. Some days you just feel like crap and don't want to doll up. Though crap for him. I promise he doesn't always look like a GQ man...if ever.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I didn't read all the responses.

He's doing it because he's insecure. When you dress up he feels like you are too beautiful and is fearful that you will find someone else and leave him. So he gets frustrated and insults you. It is a method of controlling a spouse. By making you feel ugly about yourself you will think less of yourself and feel more "stuck" with your current husband.

Likewise the comments when you don't dress up is another method of control. This is something controlling spouses do, he will make you never feel good enough so that you think less of yourself and then start believing you have to be with him because he's doing you a big favor by sticking around and "putting up with you."

He has insecurity issues. He needs counselling. You need counselling. It will not get better, it will continue for the rest of your life, and probably get worse. He needs to work through his issues. You need to get IC to both treat the damage he's done to you as well as find out why you accept to live in a relationship where you are emotionally abused.

I could be overexaggerating what is going on, but I would bet a good chunk of money that this is not the only issue that comes up in regards to this. He is probably overly critical of many areas in your life correct? Very controlling and overbearing? Micro-managing everything you do? Making you feel like crap regularly?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

All I gotta say is yoga pants and a tight tank top. Problem solved. Everyone is happy. 

I wear cute lounge clothes. I look nice when we go out. I do my hair and makeup daily--- even right now as I recover from surgery 

I just think if your mate says, "hey that hurts" and you still want to tell them, then you need to change your approach instead of building more pain and resentment.

We don't insult each other in this family. We just don't.

People who do tend to lack in compassion from my experience.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Yes! Yoga pants are fun to wear around without looking too dumpy.

You know I don't even really dress that badly at home. I just have very little make up because, IM HOME, I want to relax and have no need to wear high heels while making pot roast! I can't be a 50's mom all dolled up while vacuuming, you know. 

But yes, the snide comments are the worse. I have told him straight out that that was rude, before I start really balling my eyes out, I just walk away.

Actually I used to dress up a lot more when we were younger, but as you get older, it is a bit of an extra chore to dress up- We also don't go out the way we used to , no more dinners unless its with the kids, no nights out on the town... 

I recently even joined a gym to try and loose some extra pounds I gained that make me feel even worse. He never comments about the wieght I put on, which isn't major, but significant for me.

But I want to look good for ME, not him-- OK HIM is part of it, but I want to dress up or down according to MY mood-- why the hell does he want to suddently judge me for this?

He is insecure. I mean he always have been. Counselling we've tried, with no luck. He's not one to go to those and REALLY understand why. Actualy our conunselling made matters worse becasue our counselor opened up things he didn't necessarily want to discuss and left him hanging for another week thinking about it-- It was a nightmare! 

At the risk of living that way, we quit counselling. For the most part I'm on the "ignoring" mode.... he says crap I don't like I just look away and TRY my best not to let it get to me.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Certainly a respectful approach but you won't have a breakthrough "putting up with it".

If you can live the rest of your life like that then continue on, but don't expect a change if you don't demand one.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Absolutely right ! He is quite controlling and insecure. He tries to hide it, but he is always afraid people will "see" me dressed up... yet is acceptable to be dressed up if I am with HIM. Yes, that is insecurity right there!

Often times this yo-yo he gives me of why are you dressed nicely vs. why arent you dressed nicely , drives me insane! Sometimes I just dont bother... and it wasn't until lately that I said to myself.. why the hell not??! 

I am letting this person dictate how I should dress?
Not like me at all! but I suppose the constant badgering got to my confidence... I try to ignore it and think he's just a complete moron- But sometimes it still does affect me in a bad way...


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