# Is something wrong with me?



## medzi (Mar 3, 2010)

Here's my story:

My husband and I have been together almost 5 years and married for 6 months. Even before marriage, we didn't have the greatest sex life. We don't have sex as often as I would like, and I feel totally undesired by him. He would say he is too busy, can't be bothered, feeling stressed, feeling depressed and I have tried so hard to be patient, but that is hard when I feel like I am getting turned down all the time and now I am afraid to ask for it becuase I don't want to be rejected. And if he does want it, I do it, even if I am not in the mood because I have just gotten to the point of taking what I can get. I even tried all the tricks, like walking into his office in my underwear, but he told me that it doesn't do anything and it isn't attractive. I have been totally open about his fantasies. He wants another woman involved (I know that isn't uncommon) and I try to describe things like that to turn him on and have made out with a girl in front of him. I am not just doing that for him, I was curious too. What I mean is, I an so open, give myself to him when he wants, but still feel unwanted. Does it even make sense? He said to me the other night, also, that sometimes sex just isn't worth it because he feels he does all the work. But I have asked him over and over about what he wants and what would feel good. I know he likes me on top, but I have herniated discs and sometimes it hurts too much. I do it when I can though. I know most of the time when he have sex he is doing a lot, but it's not like I am just laying there or doing nothing back...
We have talked about it numerous times and it has gotten a little better recently, I guess.
But he has also admitted to me of almost having sex with a girl while he was in Europe (we were not married at the time), and I know he had fantasies of having sex with our old roommate and is very attracted to her. He then told me about a dream he had where they were having sex together (I wasn't in the dream). Her and I had a huge fallout last year and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. He told me today that he has been thinking of her a lot since he had that dream and emailed her asking how she was. I told him I wasn't mad and I'm not really, just feeling pretty inadequate...

I am really starting to feel like I am not good enough. Maybe he just didn't have as many sexual experiences as he wanted before he was with me. Sex is such an issue between us and it seems like I always want it and he never does (sometimes we go for weeks and weeks without) but yet he is obviously a sexual person. Does he just not want me? 

Any outside perspectives are appreciated. I am out of ideas and don't want to start another fight talking to him about it...


----------



## ducky (Feb 17, 2010)

I hope you don't have any children until you feel like your marriage is meeting your needs. 

It sounds like he doesn't really have a high sex drive. I would imagine that this will only do down as he ages, yours will go up and peak around 40. This is such an important part of marriage and unless he is really spectacular in many other areas the next 30 or 40 years can look really bleak. I think that an honest conversation with him is in order and simply tell him what you need and see if he can help you. If not you may want to find another guy that is better matched to you, it is not about how desirable you are but about him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

medzi said:


> I know he had fantasies of having sex with our old roommate and is very attracted to her. He then told me about a dream he had where they were having sex together (I wasn't in the dream). Her and I had a huge fallout last year and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. He told me today that he has been thinking of her a lot since he had that dream and emailed her asking how she was. I told him I wasn't mad and I'm not really, just feeling pretty inadequate...


 I am not sure how this can NOT bother you? He is not respectful of your feelings at all. It is one thing to be OPEN with your spouse, but this is OVER KILL and totally hurtful. It is NO wonder you are feeling the way you do. 

If he is not having sex with you but he IS having all these fantasies & freely shares them- the Drive must BE there. 

I am guessing he is using Porn when you are not aware. This is faster & easier and less work than having sex with the wife but sooo terribly damaging to intimacy.  

I hope you can work this out, you deserve better.


----------



## Mo Simpson (Jun 3, 2009)

He sounds very abrupt and thoughtless in the way he handles and talks to you. If he has a problem with your sex life, then he needs to talk to you about it and show you some respect.

Telling you about his fantasies is one thing, but giving you accounts of his fantasies about real people you both know is not going to do anything but make you feel inadequate and question yourself.

If you have physical problems with having sex the way he enjoys, then together, both of you can find different positions and different techniques that work for both of you - go Google that.

Furthermore, he needs to realise just how painful and frustrating this state of affairs is for you and he needs to step up and talk and be supportive.

It's really no wonder you're sounding low and your confidence is in the toilet, you don't feel valued.


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I don't understand your husband. He tells you every time he has dreams for another girl? Why? He thinks is normal to think about other girls in a relationship? Does these helps your relationship? You are his wife for God's sake, not his roommate! What he cares is only his own sex life, and he doesn't care if your feelings are hurt.


----------



## medzi (Mar 3, 2010)

Thank you for all of your replies. 

Him and I talked last night. I told him how I felt and that I feel I am not giving him something and maybe he is looking for it somewhere else. He said "then why do I tell you about it?" I said I think it is because then he won't feel so guilty about it.

Anyways, the talk ended up confirming what I thought. I'm not desirable to him. He told me I am not an exciting person. And when I asked him what that meant he said it seems I have no drive or ambition. Apparently, having a part time job, attending University full time for the past 4 1/2 years (I just finished in December), getting a Bachelor's degree, being an executive in my faculty's student club, means I have no ambition. I don't understand that. Sure, since I have finished I haven't really done anything and have been feeling quite unsure of myself because I don't really know what to do next but that has only been for the past 2 months. Our problems have been going on for 2 years. 

He pretty much told me he has been dishonest about not knowing why we have these problems. It has just been me. He feels I am not contributing as much in our relationship and how he is always the one taking care of things (which is true right now. I have no money coming in and he is supporting me) but sometimes that's how it is, right? I mean, if it was the other way around, I would do it too. 

But then he goes on and on saying how much he loves me and how he just never ever wants to hurt me. I told him that being dishonest with me for all this time and putting me through what I have has been a lot worse. 

All I see around me is people who are so head over heels in love and I am so jealous. I don't feel that at all in this marriage. 

But I am so scared to do anything about it. I do love him and he says he loves me and he has done soo much to be with me (we lived apart for a looong time and he left his whole life behind to be with me here). So that must mean he does love me, right?

I am so confused. I am so tired of feel this way. He is also very introverted and a work-a-holic. He says he was just raised to work hard. I think he is addicted to it or something. I have told him how much it bothers me that he is in his office all the time and he says he will work on it but nothing changes. Last night during our talk he started saying on how he just wants to be alone. How can you expect to be alone when you are in a marriage!?

We have no kids, thank goodness. I am only 26 and he is 27. I don't see kids in our future right now, for all these reasons, even though I would like them. 

I don't know what to do. I am never going to feel like I am good enough and I am never going to feel like he really wants me. But I am so scared to have this marriage fail.


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

What youre going through sounds terrible. He sounds like he want to put all the blame on you and focus on your so he doesnt have to deal with what HE'S doing wrong in the relationship. I would venture to say that I dont believe your husband has a low sex drive, he is probably using a different outlet to satisfy his needs, such as porn or something like that. 
I would DEFINITELY be mad though if my husband told me he had a dream about screwingmy friends and then tried to email her to get ahold of her. That IS somthing you shouldnt take so lightly, becuase it sounds like he doesnt care about your feelings as much as you do about his........ Keep us updated and BE STRONG!!!!!


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Why is everyone being so nice to you?

You are married to a complete pig who openly fantasizes about other women. You have repeatedly humiliated yourself to gain his approval and he reacted with even greater disdain.

You need to face the hard reality that this relationship has no future. 

Respect yourself enough to leave this swine for a husband who will treat you as a man is meant to treat a woman. Relationships are not perfect and people make mistakes and have shortcomings, but the one thing that no woman should ever have to deal with is a dog who cannot even say *"you are my eternal one and only."*

Leave him. You deserve better. So many women set unreasonable standards for accomplishment and confidence in a man... but fail to demand their one inalienable right: to be the sole occupant of a husband's heart.

Good luck.


----------



## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Medzi, however this works out for you in the long term, I reckon a degree of independence right now could make you feel a lot better. Are you able to develop some other interests or friendships outside the home? 

I wonder if one of your husband's problems might be that he feels a little overwhelmed by your attentions - some people do need more space than most of us. 

From what you've written I also think he needs to have a good long think about what he ought to bring to your relationship and what he's entitled to expect from you. It sounds to me as if he's got some growing up to do.


----------



## medzi (Mar 3, 2010)

I know he does look at porn, or did anyways. I tried to not let it bug me and just be open and accepting of things, but eventually told him that it actually did bother me. Since then (that was awhile ago), I am pretty positive he doesn't look at it anymore and has been more open about doing it together (which I have done).

As for friendships and interests, I am actually away from the house a lot. Which is why I don't understand him wanting to be alone all the time! In the past week I have been out 3 times and will be going to an engagement party tomorrow and am gone Saturday morning and early afternoon to a career event. I just don't what he means by space and wanting to be alone? Is it just the face that sometimes I am home, even if we are not spending any time together? I feel already like we spend most of our time apart...but you are right Steve, maybe what I am feeling as time apart, he isn't, or he needs more.

We leave to go to Vancouver for a week on Sunday. I am really dreading the 10 hour drive there and the whole week  I thought it would be nice to get away for awhile, but of couse, he is still working half days. Who goes on a vacation and still works? At least I have some friends that have moved out there and I have made plans with them while he is working... 

Thanks again for everyone's advice. I agree he doesn't respect me and his actions have caused me to feel very unwanted. I think he needs to grow up too, I just don't know how much time I have left to give him before I just give up on it. I know maybe I should face reality and see the relationship isn't going to work - but I am stuborn and I do love him and that is easier said than done. I just feel like maybe there are more things to try. I am not ready to give up yet, but I don't know how much more I can take.


----------

