# Husband has been good lately so why is it so hard for me to trust him?



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Earlier this year and for the past several years my husband kept contacting his ex girlfriend from 15 years ago on Facebook, via text, and even calling her when I wasn't with him or out of town. These contacts would happen like once every 3 months and they never ended in him meeting up with her and she would never initiate contact. He'd call and it would show as a 1 minute call meaning that she didn't pick up. I would also see via Facebook messages that he told her he called or stopped by but the either didn't answer or wasn't home. Then there was this other girl on Facebook who he barely knows and he'd make comments about how hot she looked in her bikini and even offered to take her to this video game convention downtown because she was into it and I'm not and the day before came to his senses and told her he couldn't because he wasn't going (which was a lie). He however said to her in a message "I'll make it up to you though."

I went out of town for a week to visit my mom last month and the entire time all I think is that he's contacting these women and meeting up with them. To my surprise he did not contact either one of them. I covered all my bases to make sure. I checked phone records and text records and I knew who all the numbers were. There were no private messages on his Facebook to either of them. Not even a "like" on any of their posts. No emails sent. To say the least, I was shocked! Shocked in a good way but still I am trying to dig and find SOMETHING because it is so hard for me to believe him!

How can I get myself to trust him and stop checking texts and phone records? He also had an issue with going to work and I would be able to look at his timesheet online (unbeknownst to him) and see if he even clocked into work. Some days he just wasted time at breakfast somewhere for a few hours until I left for work and then came home and when I got home that afternoon he acted like he had been at work. However for the past month he has gone in every day...even when I was gone for a week which used to be prime time for him to not go to work. Everything points to him turning into a trusting and faithful husband, but I just can't get myself to believe it.


----------



## stunned (May 6, 2013)

So he's been lying to you about going to work and disrespecting you by contacting women and flirting. You've gotten to the point of monitoring him, but you haven't mentioned if you've ever talked to him about all of this. If so, what does he say? What does he do all day instead of make money for the family? What are his excuses for flirting with women and trying to meet them?

To answer your question, it's hard for you to trust him because although he's maybe cleaned up his act for the past couple of days, he's been a lying, probable cheater for years. Of course you don't (and shouldn't) trust him. Have you thought about the possibility that he's caught on to the fact that you're monitoring him, and now he's taken it deeper underground (burner phone, etc...), so that you won't know about it?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah, that was my question too. Have you confronted him about these contacts he's been making? If you have, he might just be a lot better about covering his tracks.

But if you haven't indicated that you've caught him in any way, then, it's possible he's given up the chase. Either way though, this is shady behavior and it should be dealt with.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

It's hard for you to trust him because he lied to you for no reason. If he lied for no reason once, he will do it again. It's hard to trust someone that lies when it benefits them or for no reason other than he wanted to come home and do his own thing all day without you knowing.

The longer he is "good," the closer to him finally lying again rises, which is what you are waiting for.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yeah, that was my question too. Have you confronted him about these contacts he's been making? If you have, he might just be a lot better about covering his tracks.
> 
> But if you haven't indicated that you've caught him in any way, then, it's possible he's given up the chase. Either way though, this is shady behavior and it should be dealt with.


No I have not confronted him on anything about the women or work. I hate confrontation and just keep it to myself while I obsessively check everything I can to see what he's been up to. I mean I know his password to his email and his bank account (although he doesn't know I know). I don't know his Facebook password, but he never logs out of Facebook on the laptop so I simply just go there and look at any private messages he's sent. We share our phone account so there's no problem looking up his calls and texts there. He gave me his password and login to his work account a few years ago so I could peruse the sight for benefits and apparently he didn't realize I could also see his clock in/clock out times, paycheck, etc. There's no way he's got a "secret" phone because he's too damn lazy to do that and I'd find it anyways.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mapper my girl, you don't trust him because you know if he did it once, he's liable to do it twice. You know that whatever part of his brain told him to go after the other chicks is still there and he has yet to build a track record sufficient to convince you he can resist that type behavior. Remember, the people who lose the quickest in any kind of scam are the one who trust the quickest.
Don't make your skepticism a bad trait. What's that they say, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It appears that you don't trust him because he has a long proven track record of being....untrustworthy. 

I think a better question is why would you even begin to trust him? Oh, and why aren't you in IC to help you figure out why you're so conflict avoidant that you'd put up with this sort of thing for years on end?


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

You can't trust him because he hasn't been trustworthy. So you shouldn't trust him. He has been deceitful. And he has been cheating on you, when you use this test: "doing something inappropriate with someone of the opposite sex that you wouldn't do right in front of your spouse."

You two have a major problem in your marriage. He's been keeping secrets from you, and you've felt the need to spy on him, which is a secret you're keeping from him.

Not being able to confront difficult issues is a recipe for disaster. If you want stop just existing in your marriage and see if your marriage is worth saving and making healthy, you need to deal with difficult issues, you need some new tools, you need to learn how to confront in a constructive way.

I think you need marriage counseling, but not all marriage counselors are the same. Some are too quick to propose separating or even divorce as a quick fix for unhappy people - they are not "marriage friendly" marriage counselors. I recommend counselors who subscribe to the standards of this group:

Marriage Friendly Therapists

Best of luck.


----------



## stunned (May 6, 2013)

Mapper said:


> There's no way he's got a "secret" phone because he's too damn lazy to do that and I'd find it anyways.


Do not EVER underestimate a cheater. I made that mistake too. Once. Do not learn the hard way like I did.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why? Because he abused your trust and broke it.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Mapper said:


> Earlier this year and for the past several years my husband kept contacting his ex girlfriend
> 
> Some days he just wasted time at breakfast somewhere for a few hours until I left for work and then came home and when I got home that afternoon he acted like he had been at work.
> 
> but I just can't get myself to believe it.


And for good reason you can't believe it!

He has a history of dishonesty and cheating for YEARS.

Do you really think someone reverses that behavior pattern in MONTHS? 

Betrayed spouses who are experienced in dealing with your type of situation take years or even a lifetime to get the trust back because cheaters are so notorious for repeating that behavior. 

It could very well be that the reason he left no electronic evidence was because he was FACE TO FACE with her. 

Beware.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I know I will never trust my h again, even when he tells me he's going to home depot, will be back in an hour and comes back w a home depot bag. I can no longer even trust what my gut may be saying is true or not anymore when it comes to my h. 

Once trust so deep is broken by someone we loved so much, I dont think it ever is easily given back, we are always on guard. 

~sammy


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your other threads. As I recall he's never exactly been trustworthy and yet you said you would never divorce him. Now he's not been untrustworthy that you know of for a month or less and you are wondering why you don't trust him? Because it's too soon. Maybe after a year you could ask that question but not now.


----------

