# My husband thinks I'm being childish for being upset about a lap dance



## Question33! (3 mo ago)

My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You told him to hang out and drink with his friends. Be careful what you wish for. Yes, many men are interested in younger, better looking women. However, I wouldn’t classify strippers in that category. They are skanks. Your husband should not be feeding the meter with these girls. They are not an ego boost for normal men.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

He’s acting very selfish. I would wonder if he’s into porn too and has started viewing women as mere objects. That would explain his indifference to your feelings.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Skookaroo said:


> He’s acting very selfish. I would wonder if he’s into porn too and has started viewing women as mere objects. That would explain his indifference to your feelings.


Where in the world did porn come from? Your imagination?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Very few women would accept this behavior. In my opinion, this is full on cheating. He is selfish and entitled. You are not his priority. The way he is treating you since he quit going to the strip club is despicable. If you tolerate this treatment, he will know that in the future, he can treat you as he wants. You should consider ending this relationship.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

I have to agree on the cheating aspect here. Example. A few years back one of my nephews was getting married and his cousins and friends had a bachelor party set up that entailed 3 different strip clubs. His dad and I were also included in the entourage. I was, still am, married with a young daughter. It's not the type of thing I do, but I went along for fun and visiting everyone. They even set up a stretch limo for the event. By the 3 Rd club, my nephew and a cousin and a friend were getting "private" lap dances in the back rooms. Discreet inquires by myself and his dad revealed they were actually getting oral also piv sex from the "ladies". They hit the ATM multiple times during the stay. It really disgusted me that they were doing this, especially the fact that in 2 weeks the nephew would be marrying.
You have every right to be outraged and concerned with the h's behavior! He's married and this is not what a married man's behavior should be under any circumstances. Deceit and lying are real denial of his actions that violate your trust and marriage vows to each other. Time to toss his ass in the dog house till he comes clean period. Be ready to accept that you may be ending a marriage after this long. So sad to hear this.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company.


Very few men would be comfortable, much less make the suggestion, of their wives going to a bar without them. For very good reason. Drinking is a "disinhibitor" and it is, or should be, and that's why it's a pretty obvious violation of normal boundaries. Making that suggestion is a version of a hall pass. 

He is acting irresponsibly, but it's not entirely on him. You need to own up to the mistake you made, and go about repairing things from there.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Very few men would be comfortable, much less make the suggestion, of their wives going to a bar without them. For very good reason. Drinking is a "disinhibitor" and it is, or should be, and that's why it's a pretty obvious violation of normal boundaries. Making that suggestion is a version of a hall pass.
> 
> He is acting irresponsibly, but it's not entirely on him. You need to own up to the mistake you made, and go about repairing things from there.


That's one hell of a leap you're making. Suggesting he go to a bar clears the way for a "hall pass"?? Really??

OP, you have every reason to be upset. My smell test is this. Would I be ok with my wife going to a strip club and having practically male nude dancers giving her lap dances? Not just no but HELL NO!!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

The pressure from your husband to accept all of his bad behavior is on.

He may even believe you have little or no choice but to accept whatever he does now as he wears you down little by little.

He has lost all respect for you. You need to get your ducks in a row because there are other issues at play here in addition to the cheating. He may even be setting you up because he believes he has nothing to lose if you leave. He may even be considering you to be excess weight and over your prime.

Some men are content to be single and to pay for the kind of sex they desire.


Question33! said:


> After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out.


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## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Your husband has zero respect for you. If he was down on his knees apologizing to me, saying how stupid he was, vowing never to do something like that again, and begging for forgiveness, I don't know if I could stay in the marriage. I would forever be insecure about his attraction to me versus other women and wondering what he was up to now. 

He may not have had sex and maybe he didn't even touch the women (but he probably did). Still he was choosing to have physical, sexual contact with other women. That's CHEATING!

Now his reaction to you being upset is baffling. He doesn't give a d*mn about your feelings. All he cares about is his "fun" has been stopped. The fact that he refuses to apologize and even says he's never going to be honest with you about things again... What an a*s! Is he trying to make you leave him? I think I'd be out the door (or he'd be kicked out the door!).


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Tell him no more strip clubs. Period. I would probably say no bars either. Neither are places married men should be frequenting.

If he stops like he should, then forgive and forget. But if he continues to go or deflects and tries to blame you again, then you need to take a serious look at your marriags. A man that loves and respects his wife wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sideways said:


> That's one hell of a leap you're making. Suggesting he go to a bar clears the way for a "hall pass"?? Really??
> 
> OP, you have every reason to be upset. My smell test is this. Would I be ok with my wife going to a strip club and having practically male nude dancers giving her lap dances? Not just no but HELL NO!!


Yeah, I'd be inclined to tell him that I'm curious now so I'll be going to get some young penis in my face at a club.

And he wouldn't have much of a relationship with me when he got home.

If he wants his life to be paying a skank to pretend he's not disgusting let him do it without you. Because make no mistake....they do think he's disgusting 

What a sad life.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Question33! said:


> He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching.












And if you keep asking this is how the conversation is going to go: "Well, there was touching, but it was minor" --> "well, I did put my hands on her butt and breasts, but it didn't go anywhere" --> "well, I did fondle her, but she did not resist" --> "Well, we did go to the Talking Room, but nothing went on" --> "Well, we did go to the Talking Room, but she just zipped up my zipper with her mouth" --> "well, we did have sex, but it was entirely consensual" --> "well, we did have sex and I had to pay her $1000, but I'm all relaxed and ready for you Baby!".

See, you've entered the realm of cheater logic, where lying, minimizing, deflecting, trickle-truthing and outright absurdity are put on the same parallel as conventional communication protocols.

What I am 863% sure of is that the outcome of this "situation" is going to be put squarely on your suggestion that he go out to the bar with his friends.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

“It’s only cheating if I say it’s cheating.” Next comes “I didn’t know how much I loved you until I started having sex with other women. I did it for US. For YOU.” 🙄


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Your mistake was to allow strip clubs. He didn’t make a mistake. He knowingly cheated and didn’t care. If you aren’t ok with it,leave. If you accept it, you’ll be here talking about hooker or OW. The guys he’s with are bad news.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Question33!

At the very least, *get tested for STDs today*!


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> Where in the world did porn come from? Your imagination?


Nope. I know that most people find porn perfectly acceptable, and that many people can watch it without it harming their relationships. However, porn can become addictive and twist some people’s brains and legitimately change their brain and behavior, including becoming a self-centered jerk to wifey. My dad did it to my mom many years ago. They’ve worked it all out, but he had to be honest with himself and make a choice if he wanted to stay married. Just thought I’d bring it up in case it might ring true for OP.


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## Question33! (3 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> You told him to hang out and drink with his friends. Be careful what you wish for. Yes, many men are interested in younger, better looking women. However, I wouldn’t classify strippers in that category. They are skanks. Your husband should not be feeding the meter with these girls. They are not an ego boost for normal men.


I told him to go to a bar and play pool or poker. My husband doesn't drink. I feel that way too but he put himself in that position.


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## Question33! (3 mo ago)

Skookaroo said:


> Nope. I know that most people find porn perfectly acceptable, and that many people can watch it without it harming their relationships. However, porn can become addictive and twist some people’s brains and legitimately change their brain and behavior, including becoming a self-centered jerk to wifey. My dad did it to my mom many years ago. They’ve worked it all out, but he had to be honest with himself and make a choice if he wanted to stay married. Just thought I’d bring it up in case it might ring true for OP.


He doesn't watch porn. I'm at home with him so I know what happens when he's here.


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## Question33! (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Tell him no more strip clubs. Period. I would probably say no bars either. Neither are places married men should be frequenting.
> 
> If he stops like he should, then forgive and forget. But if he continues to go or deflects and tries to blame you again, then you need to take a serious look at your marriags. A man that loves and respects his wife wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt her.


Oh I did! As soon as he let it slip that he had been having lap dances I went totally off. I then went off again after finding out he lied to me about the girls being topless and the fact that he could touch them. I guess he thought I was too dumb to figure out where he had been going to call and verify that story. But before I figured that out I tried to figure out what I could do to make him want me more. I bought sexy lingerie, massage oils and started asking him to do more things with me. He told me he hated the lingerie and oils. He didn't want to do things I suggested and if we went out to a restaurant he would always complain. I told him I was thinking about getting a boob job and instead of saying "No" like in the past he was all for it. It wasn't until I told him our adult son saw me researching it online and said I was perfect and shouldn't do it that he even changed his reaction but than he quickly went back to I should do it. I've also started working out like crazy trying to loose weight. Once I found out about him touching the girls and that they were topless. I lost it on him. He's still acting like he did noting wrong. I gave him an example of what he had done. I told him image that I went to a club with 2 friends and some hot guy comes up to me and ask for a dance and I go out on the dance floor and the guy starts touching my boobs and p**** along with my ass and than I start touching his ass and chest would he be okay with it and he said no but that's not the same thing at all. I told him it was and it hurts! We were both virgins when we got together so now I feel like he wants some one new. He did stop going to the club but he makes these comments about I told him not go which makes me feel he resents me for stopping his fun especially after his comment of I will never tell you anything else. Even though he can clearly see how much he hurt me he also refuses to apologize for doing this.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Question33! said:


> Oh I did! As soon as he let it slip that he had been having lap dances I went totally off. I then went off again after finding out he lied to me about the girls being topless and the fact that he could touch them. I guess he thought I was too dumb to figure out where he had been going to call and verify that story. But before I figured that out I tried to figure out what I could do to make him want me more. I bought sexy lingerie, massage oils and started asking him to do more things with me. He told me he hated the lingerie and oils. He didn't want to do things I suggested and if we went out to a restaurant he would always complain. I told him I was thinking about getting a boob job and instead of saying "No" like in the past he was all for it. It wasn't until I told him our adult son saw me researching it online and said I was perfect and shouldn't do it that he even changed his reaction but than he quickly went back to I should do it. I've also started working out like crazy trying to loose weight. Once I found out about him touching the girls and that they were topless. I lost it on him. He's still acting like he did noting wrong. I gave him an example of what he had done. I told him image that I went to a club with 2 friends and some hot guy comes up to me and ask for a dance and I go out on the dance floor and the guy starts touching my boobs and p**** along with my ass and than I start touching his ass and chest would he be okay with it and he said no but that's not the same thing at all. I told him it was and it hurts! We were both virgins when we got together so now I feel like he wants some one new. He did stop going to the club but he makes these comments about I told him not go which makes me feel he resents me for stopping his fun especially after his comment of I will never tell you anything else. Even though he can clearly see how much he hurt me he also refuses to apologize for doing this.


You’re blaming yourself for his actions and need to stop. Him going to a strip club and rubbing on girls has nothing to do with your appearance or you not being sexual enough.

You told him not to go to club and apparently he stopped. Now you need to tell him enough with the childish pouting and finger pointing. If he’s that miserable being married, then tell him to leave. Know your worth and don’t be a doormat. MC might be a good idea. I doubt your H will go for it, but I would still mention it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm going to break this up into two separate posts. One about my thoughts on strippers and the other on what I see as the more destructive issue(s) taking place here (not that I agree with strippers at all) 

What I see as the more critical and destructive issues here is his lack of respect and basic human dignity towards your feelings and his almost complete dismissal of your upset. 

And your lack of positive conflict resolution skills as a couple. 

I see those two things as more concerning than some dude watching some gal shake her boobies around with his buddies. 

If you have good mutual respect and compassion for each other's feelings and well beings, and you have good communication and conflict resolution skills, a couple can survive and get through just about anything and have a good happy healthy partnership. 

If there is a lack of basic respect and compassion and they are unable to manage conflict in a positive manner, then leaving the cap off of the toothpaste can become a marriage-breaker. 

The destructive issue here is his lack of respect and concern for your feelings and his unwillingness to deal with this in a constructive manner. The current conflict is the strippers, but with an attitude like this, it could be just as destructive if he wasn't picking up his dirty socks properly.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Question33! said:


> his fun especially after his comment of I will never tell you anything else.


he is heading down the wrong street with this idea ,
time for you to put on your big girl boots and start showing him what he is going to have if he goes down that street , 

ack your self what you need to be in a marriage then look at what you will have in a few years if there is nothing but lies and secrets between you , 

ask his how he would feel if you go to a male stripper club


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now let's talk about strippers for a moment. It's one thing if a new crop of 19 year old college freshman make their way into the strip club and oooohh and aaauuugh over seeing some boobies on adult women for the first time. It's juvenile and boarish and total waste of Daddy's money and time that they could spend doing something constructive, but we're talking about the hormonally challenged here and their testosterone is choking off their higher brain functions on a good day. 

But for married adult men to still be ooooohhing and aaaughing over boobies is IMHO a public display if their immaturity and patheticness and stupidity. 

But it's not cheating. Here's why - 

Unless they are paying them hundreds of dollars for a BJ in the parking lot, those gals are completely repulsed by those guys and would not touch them with a ten foot pole if they were not stuffing money down their g-strings to gyrate around infront of them. 

The guys sitting their drowning in their beer watching chicks spin around on poles could not get laid in a whorehouse. 

They are not there because they are trying to get with some young, firm chick. They are there because they are pathetic, sad sacks that can't get girlfriends on their own. 

And if you were to search your feelings, you would soon realize that your actual feelings here are not you are afraid he is going to run off with some young, hardbody that looks good in high heels or that he is going to fall for some young sexy thing. 
Your actual feelings here is that of disgust and disdain and your total loss of respect and admiration for him as a man. 

You aren't seeing him as some hunky stud that has his choice of young, nubile women like some kind of suburban Leonardo DeCaprio. 

You are seeing him as pathetic, old loser that has to pay a cover charge with a bunch of other pathetic losers that can't get girlfriends and spend their money surrounded by a bunch of other pathetic losers drowning in cheap beer so they can watch some gal strut around in a g-string and then pay her out of their own pockets for the privilege of her climbing in their laps while they sit there fully dressed with a sht eating grin on their face and blue balls in their pants. 

You're not actually jealous or insecure of his love for you - What's actually distressing you is you have lost a major portion of your love and respect and admiration and desire for HIM for being one of 'those guys' and he thinks he can still carry on as normal as your husband and lover.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> You are seeing him as pathetic, old loser that has to pay a cover charge with a bunch of other pathetic losers that can't get girlfriends and spend their money surrounded by a bunch of other pathetic losers drowning in cheap beer so they can watch some gal strut around in a g-string and then pay her out of their own pockets for the privilege of her climbing in their laps while they sit there fully dressed with a sht eating grin on their face and blue balls in their pants.
> 
> You're not actually jealous or insecure of his love for you - What's actually distressing you is you have lost a major portion of your love and respect and admiration and desire for HIM for being one of 'those guys' and he thinks he can still carry on as normal as your husband and lover.


And if you decide you want to remain married to him and continue to have a functional marriage and be close to him , this above is what you need to inform him and how you need to frame it. 

Read this closely here as this is important. What husbands yearn for most from their wives is their wife's respect, admiration and desire. A woman cannot desire a man she does not respect and she cannot respect a man that acts like a brain damaged 19 year old pathetic simp that can't get a girlfriend. If he wants your respect, admiration and desire, he needs to act like a grown man with a wife and family and not some pathetic loser. 

If you go acting all jealous and insecure and act like he is hooking up with young chicks, that's actually going to fuel his ego that he is some kind of hunk or something. 

But if you are honest with him that his behavior is making him look like a pathetic loser that get laid in a whorehouse with his loser buddies and that he is not worth your time and not laying a finger on you until he acts like successful adult that has something going for him - that might turn him around. 

IMHO you need to approach this from a position or reality that you find this behavior pathetic and that he is a loser for having to pay money to see boobies and walking away at the end of the night with nothing but an empty wallet and blue balls to show for it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Question33! said:


> Oh I did! As soon as he let it slip that he had been having lap dances I went totally off. I then went off again after finding out he lied to me about the girls being topless and the fact that he could touch them. I guess he thought I was too dumb to figure out where he had been going to call and verify that story. But before I figured that out I tried to figure out what I could do to make him want me more. I bought sexy lingerie, massage oils and started asking him to do more things with me. He told me he hated the lingerie and oils. He didn't want to do things I suggested and if we went out to a restaurant he would always complain. I told him I was thinking about getting a boob job and instead of saying "No" like in the past he was all for it. It wasn't until I told him our adult son saw me researching it online and said I was perfect and shouldn't do it that he even changed his reaction but than he quickly went back to I should do it. I've also started working out like crazy trying to loose weight. Once I found out about him touching the girls and that they were topless. I lost it on him. He's still acting like he did noting wrong. I gave him an example of what he had done. I told him image that I went to a club with 2 friends and some hot guy comes up to me and ask for a dance and I go out on the dance floor and the guy starts touching my boobs and p**** along with my ass and than I start touching his ass and chest would he be okay with it and he said no but that's not the same thing at all. I told him it was and it hurts! We were both virgins when we got together so now I feel like he wants some one new. He did stop going to the club but he makes these comments about I told him not go which makes me feel he resents me for stopping his fun especially after his comment of I will never tell you anything else. Even though he can clearly see how much he hurt me he also refuses to apologize for doing this.


This above is what I was talking about in my earlier post - you are chasing him and making him feel like Big John Stud. 

You are doing the Pick Me! Dance and acting like you are competing against 20 year old hard bodies. 

Is he a tall, buff, handsome, tan Hollywood movie executive or something???? 

No, he's middle aged, Work-A-Day, average joe with receding hairline and pot belly and hangs out with a bunch of loser buddies that can't get girlfriends that are paying their hard earned money to gals that are utterly repulsed by them to see their boobies. 

Don't treat him like a prize stud and stoke his ego into thinking he's some kind of hunk. 

Let him know in no uncertain terms that you find him pathetic and sad and unattractive for this kind of behavior.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Question33! said:


> Oh I did! As soon as he let it slip that he had been having lap dances I went totally off. I then went off again after finding out he lied to me about the girls being topless and the fact that he could touch them. I guess he thought I was too dumb to figure out where he had been going to call and verify that story. But before I figured that out I tried to figure out what I could do to make him want me more. I bought sexy lingerie, massage oils and started asking him to do more things with me. He told me he hated the lingerie and oils. He didn't want to do things I suggested and if we went out to a restaurant he would always complain. I told him I was thinking about getting a boob job and instead of saying "No" like in the past he was all for it. It wasn't until I told him our adult son saw me researching it online and said I was perfect and shouldn't do it that he even changed his reaction but than he quickly went back to I should do it. I've also started working out like crazy trying to loose weight. Once I found out about him touching the girls and that they were topless. I lost it on him. He's still acting like he did noting wrong. I gave him an example of what he had done. I told him image that I went to a club with 2 friends and some hot guy comes up to me and ask for a dance and I go out on the dance floor and the guy starts touching my boobs and p**** along with my ass and than I start touching his ass and chest would he be okay with it and he said no but that's not the same thing at all. I told him it was and it hurts! We were both virgins when we got together so now I feel like he wants some one new. He did stop going to the club but he makes these comments about I told him not go which makes me feel he resents me for stopping his fun especially after his comment of *I will never tell you anything else*. Even though he can clearly see how much he hurt me he also refuses to apologize for doing this.


He now has given himself permission to do whatever he likes and lie to you, because the problem isn’t that he’s unfaithful, the problem is your REACTION to his cheating. 🙄 This is honestly pointless. You can’t compete with these strippers. Nothing against you, but they’re 19 year old sex professionals with perfect bodies. He won’t stop, he sees no reason to. You have to decide is this is how you want to live. There is no porn star pretzel you can twist yourself into to make him stop, you’ll make yourself miserable trying. 

Please get tested for STDs, they’re dangerous when they go untreated.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP. Your dance theory is off. Because in that scenario you'd have to be paying the young stud to touch your lady bits.

Have you looked at the credit card statements or ATM withdraws? How much marital money is he spending to cheat on you?

Yes it is cheating for the most part unless you had agreed it isn't. This is some weird once in a lifetime situation like a bachelors party or something. This is day in day out he's actively seeking females and paying them to touch him. 

He's in a better mood cause he's ejaculating multiple times a week.

Sadly while you could lose weight, get bigger more firm boobs, dress sexy... this isn't going to fix anything because your husband has broken morals.

Since he seems to be a complete loser if he stopped going to strip clubs MAYBE you could ensure his faithfulness. And the porn.... Most men watch on their phone and watch anywhere like the bathroom at work or their car. But you husband doesn't need porn because he's going multiple times a week to live porn.

If it were me... I'd probably just divorce him. But should you chose not to... I'd set up boundaries. Phone locator always on and no more strip clubs. But do you really want to be your husbands jailor? He'll just start looking for prostitutes or cam girls.

Frankly you need to look at expenditures cause it doesn't sound like he can get a girl without money so it should be pretty easy to tell how much and how long he's been doing this.

And for this or any other relationship. Never leave the money up to one person. Always have access and accountability.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

S


BoSlander said:


> At the very least, *get tested for STDs today*!





TexasMom1216 said:


> Please get tested for STDs, they’re dangerous when they go untreated.


Those of you talking about STDs,,, you know you get STDs from actual sexual contact right?

You don't get STDs through jeans and underwear from some gal in a g-string grinding on your lap while you hand her cash. You don't get STDs from copping a feel with your hands. 

Unless he is shelling out hundreds of dollars to go out to the parking lot for a bang in the back seat of the car, this is not an STD issue. 

Now this is assuming this is all a garden variety boyz night out at the legal stripper establishment and he is not actually hiring prostitutes for actual sex. 

In an actual legal strip joint, those guys are going home with nothing but empty wallets and blue balls.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> S
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There are plenty of guys that don't walk home with blue balls.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> There are plenty of guys that don't walk home with blue balls.


If you are saying that they are actually having sex, that puts it into a completely different realm. Now you are talking about actual prostitution. 

Is the OP's H engaging in prostitution?? He could be, but nothing has been presented about that thus far. 

I'm assuming the OP is in the US and the only place where prostitution is legal in America are the licensed brothels in Nevada. 

Most garden variety strip joints in the US carry liquor licenses and make most of their money off of drink sales. Things like exposed genitalia, actual sex acts etc etc are expressly illegal and if violations are caught, the establishment is at risk of heft fines and losing their liquor license and even criminal charges. Most at least make an attempt to appear to follow the laws. 

Now is there corruption and things that go on in the shadows and are there strippers making extra tips out behind the dumpster and in the parking lot etc? Yeah sure. 

But by and large, in actual legal establishments, the vast majority of the guys are going home with a full tank and empty wallet unless someone was so desperate and pathetic that he spewed in his pants as some gal was grinding on him. 

If the OP's H is engaging in prostitution, then that bumps this whole thing up to another level.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> The pressure from your husband to accept all of his bad behavior is on.
> 
> He may even believe you have little or no choice but to accept whatever he does now as he wears you down little by little.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree with this. I think he’s just a first rate a-hole who takes his wife for granted, disrespects her, and probably needs tossing. 
I think you’re over complicating a simple and low character man that has few brain cells.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I have to disagree with this. I think he’s just a first rate a-hole who takes his wife for granted, disrespects her, and probably needs tossing.
> I think you’re over complicating a simple and low character man that has few brain cells.


This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

sideways said:


> That's one hell of a leap you're making. Suggesting he go to a bar clears the way for a "hall pass"?? Really??
> 
> OP, you have every reason to be upset. My smell test is this. Would I be ok with my wife going to a strip club and having practically male nude dancers giving her lap dances? Not just no but HELL NO!!


You’re right, I should have worded that a bit differently. For someone depressed and bored, it might be mistakenly taken as a suggestion he get a bit looser, howl at the moon or whatever. Yet she says he doesn’t drink. It’s an odd suggestion. Maybe she watches Cheers and thinks that’s what bars are like? Her husband is a version of Norm?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

You are not being childish.
He is not being loyal.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Kick the 51 year old loser to the curb. A man who would reject his wife that wears lingerie and loses weight isn’t worth keeping. Sorry. If he’s sniffing around strippers and calling you ridiculous, honor His wishes and let him be single.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Gong to a strip club while married isn’t cheating. But it is disrespectful. And that’s a line you don’t cross either.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


So your husband is paying for sex and is in a better mood. Great. Just great. And I bet he's trying to make you the villain for not signing off on this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s mad at you for interfering with his fun. His resentment may be permanent so be prepared for that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's having sexual contact with a stripper and yes that is cheating. Not only that but he's paying her for it. Wasting big money on it. She's grinding on him until he ejaculates.

If either you or he has any doubts about that, go offer the bartender at a neighborhood bar $30 to go in the back room and dry hump you with most of his clothes off and see if your husband is immature about that.

Oh don't worry I'm sure he's cool with it since that's exactly what he's doing except he's probably paying more for it.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


Perhaps letting your husband visit a strip club once is OK but several times is a no, no, that is crossing the boundaries in a marriage.
I am a man of the world and been around the block a few times and can tell you, strip clubs are not cheap.
Drink prices are well hyped up including they are expected to buy lady drinks, the guys have to pay money to enter a club, pay money when girls lap dance for them and pay more money to touch the girls.
They do have VIP rooms where male customers can receive a more personal service.
Simply not on, you need to ensure your husband doesn`t visit these type of clubs any more and explain to him there will be consequences of you leaving him if he does.
Let him know you`re serious.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think it's pretty normal for people when they're young and single to want to visit a strip club and see what it's about, but I can just tell you that if I was married I wouldn't be going any place and letting someone dry hump me, not even Morgan, my favorite dry humper of all time.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's pretty normal for people when they're young and single to want to visit a strip club and see what it's about, but I can just tell you that if I was married I wouldn't be going any place and letting someone dry hump me, not even Morgan, my favorite dry humper of all time.


I don’t know that I have a favorite dry humper.

I’m guessing that the men who say it’s not cheating would lose their minds if their wives/girlfriends were half naked rubbing off some guy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t know that I have a favorite dry humper.
> 
> I’m guessing that the men who say it’s not cheating would lose their minds if their wives/girlfriends were half naked rubbing off some guy.


Without a doubt.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t know that I have a favorite dry humper.
> 
> I’m guessing that the men who say it’s not cheating would lose their minds if their wives/girlfriends were half naked rubbing off some guy.


If hands or lips are touching body parts, it is cheating. I think the more appropriate comparison would be my wife rubbing some half naked guy. Not that her wearing clothes would really change anything, lol. Its the rubbing of the guy I have issue with.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

With all my respect to whom say it / think it different...
Is it cheating? It´s not? "It's a Bird... It's a Plane?... (It's Superman)"
Well, with few well defined exceptions I don´t use to try to make fit facts into word based "concepts".
I don´t know and I don´t care too much about them.
In my view (_*and only valid for the kind of relationship*_ _*I personally*_ _*would get in and stay in*_) all activities and expressions that have sexual (and or romantic) charge belong to the committed couple.
Sooo......
All what is or seems to be in said spectrum, from casually ("harmless") flirting (to others) to a lifetime affair and what may be between is not compatible at all with a loyal exclusive partnership.
Each one is free to call it as they wish (be it cheating or astronomy).
Whatever the name, I wouldn´t do it and wouldn´t accept it.
A lapdance, for my personal standards falls in said factual based category.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I definitely see it as cheating, very much so. If Mr D had an attitude like your husband after doing what he did, he would be out of the door immediately. Then again strip clubs are a no no as well for both of us.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


Is there anyway you would consider having some fun out with the girls at a racy male review?

You know, good for the goose and all.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Is there anyway you would consider having some fun out with the girls at a racy male review?
> 
> You know, good for the goose and all.


That makes it even? This makes her feel better how?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's grinding on him until he ejaculates.


Wow that's a big assumption to leap to!!!

I had strippers grinding on me when I was a horny hormone fuelled 19 year old and never even sprouted wood. To think that a 50 year old man is spewing in his pants because some skanky chick in a g-string and heels is grinding on him means he either has the shortest hair trigger in the world or he hasn't had the tank drained in the last ten years and has a decade's worth of sperm build up going on LOL 

If he is having sex with these chicks, that means he is engaging in prostitution and that is a whole other realm than going to some nasty strip joint for over priced beers with the guys after work.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Wow that's a big assumption to leap to!!!
> 
> I had strippers grinding on me when I was a horny hormone fuelled 19 year old and never even sprouted wood. To think that a 50 year old man is spewing in his pants because some skanky chick in a g-string and heels is grinding on him means he either has the shortest hair trigger in the world or he hasn't had the tank drained in the last ten years and has a decade's worth of sperm build up going on LOL
> 
> If he is having sex with these chicks, that means he is engaging in prostitution and that is a whole other realm than going to some nasty strip joint for over priced beers with the guys after work.


Well I don't know what else they'd be paying all that money for! Whether they get there or not in their allotted time is another matter.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

snowbum said:


> That makes it even? This makes her feel better how?


If someone is equipped mentally to give as good as they get, it often resolves the situation remarkably fast, exposes hypocrisy if any exists and/or exposes if the relationship is even salvageable.

I'm advising conflict resolution. I'm not trying to make her feel better about the shyt sandwich her husband is trying to feed her.

I'm actually disgusted with people who would try to help someone feel better about being treated poorly.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> If someone is equipped mentally to give as good as they get, it often resolves the situation remarkably fast, exposes hypocrisy if any exists and/or exposes if the relationship is even salvageable.
> 
> I'm advising conflict resolution. I'm not trying to make her feel better about the shyt sandwich her husband is trying to feed her.
> 
> I'm actually disgusted with people would try to help someone feel better about being treated poorly.


Just saying she probably doesn’t get anything out of scantily dressed pathetic male dancers. He’s not going to care unless she pays for something. He’d care if she went out with a coworker or a guy that meant something.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

snowbum said:


> Just saying she probably doesn’t get anything out of scantily dressed pathetic male dancers. He’s not going to care unless she pays for something. He’d care if she went out with a coworker or a guy that meant something.


Well, that's your assumption and placing your likes onto OP.

If he was dating other women, your example would be sauce for the gander but he isn't doing that.

I've found using the same tools on an opponent that they have crafted for use on you works wonders in revealing, exposing and correcting.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Just saying she probably doesn’t get anything out of scantily dressed pathetic male dancers. He’s not going to care unless she pays for something. He’d care if she went out with a coworker or a guy that meant something.


Good point. That’s why I always compare it to her dancing for another man, cause that’s the only way it’s even vaguely close to the same degree of infidelity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Good point. That’s why I always compare it to her dancing for another man, cause that’s the only way it’s even vaguely close to the same degree of infidelity.


I considered that but it wouldn't work unless OP was of an age to compete with strippers.

I think the most hilarious scenario in the world would be having husbands, that justify and excuse getting lap dances from strippers, showing up to a club to see their wives performing the same "service" for other men.

That would knock it out of the ballpark.

Tit for tat in this situation would be OP getting attention, paid for or not, from a much younger and attractive man than her boob of a husband.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, your husband is spending money on other women to arouse him. That’s what it is. Spending money that you and he share together on other women. You said in your OP, that you know he loves you. From what I’m reading, that doesn’t seem all that true. He has you, doesn’t think you’re going anywhere, wants his lifestyle with you and also wants to spend money on women to arouse him. I don’t know how or why some of y’all stay with men who treat you like this. 😓


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I considered that but it wouldn't work unless* OP was of an age to compete with strippers*.
> 
> I think the most hilarious scenario in the world would be having husbands, that justify and excuse getting lap dances from strippers, showing up to a club to see their wives performing the same "service" for other men.
> 
> ...


And there it is. She cannot compete. So she either accepts and gets regular STD tests (if he’s still expecting her to service him in between strip club visits) or end the marriage. Because he will not stop.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Tit for tat is childish and immature. He’s disrespectful. Looking at a man’s butt isn’t going to even the score. He’s a disrespectful pig. Lie in manure or leave


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> And there it is. She cannot compete. So she either accepts and gets regular STD tests (if he’s still expecting her to service him in between strip club visits) or end the marriage. Because he will not stop.


He did stop but is being belligerent about it. I think he needs knocked over his head.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

snowbum said:


> Tit for tat is childish and immature. He’s disrespectful. Looking at a man’s butt isn’t going to even the score. He’s a disrespectful pig. Lie in manure or leave


LoL! When someone is behaving like a child, treating them like one isn't a bad thing.

Anyway, my advice stands. OP can consider all angles and I hope she gets the best she can out of this situation.

Her husband needs a sharp wake up call regardless.

A nice divorce would also let him spend his dwindling resources and years on strippers.🙄

I'm interested in what's best for her though and he might wake up if someone smacks him with the proverbial 2x4.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well I don't know what else they'd be paying all that money for! Whether they get there or not in their allotted time is another matter.


That was kind of my point to my earlier posts. I see strippers as huge time and money waste and is the product of losers and immature, pathetic creepers that can't get a girl on their own. 

Heck in some ways I even have a bit more respect for hookers and jons because they are least providing and receiving a service for the money. 

IMHO strippers are a complete waste and just a public declaration of a guy's lack of value and ineptitude. 

Hookers are providing a real service for a hefty sum of money. 

Strippers dance around like they will provide a service for dollars bills and then 90% of them don't actually provide anything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> That was kind of my point to my earlier posts. I see strippers as huge time and money waste and is the product of losers and immature, pathetic creepers that can't get a girl on their own.
> 
> Heck in some ways I even have a bit more respect for hookers and jons because they are least providing and receiving a service for the money.
> 
> ...


A lot of them are hookers on their own time. It's possible they just pick and choose since they have so many people wanting to bang them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A lot of them are hookers on their own time. It's possible they just pick and choose since they have so many people wanting to bang them.


Yes, some are. 

So that's why I asked if the OP's H was some kind of hot hunk or has a lot of money etc 

If there are a few gals turning trucks on the side, they have dozens and dozens of creepy guys to choose from there. The OP's H has to either be really hunky or be flashing a lot of green cash to catch their eye.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Good point. That’s why I always compare it to her dancing for another man, cause that’s the only way it’s even vaguely close to the same degree of infidelity.





ConanHub said:


> I considered that but it wouldn't work unless OP was of an age to compete with strippers.


The "can´t compete" regardles age wouldn´t apply to the woman I loved (and we were both in our mature years).
So, for personal reasons (may be reasons shared by others) I stand for @TexasMom1216 "analogy".


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Yes, some are.
> 
> So that's why I asked if the OP's H was some kind of hot hunk or has a lot of money etc
> 
> If there are a few gals turning trucks on the side, they have dozens and dozens of creepy guys to choose from there. The OP's H has to either be really hunky or be flashing a lot of green cash to catch their eye.


But it was a lap dance and they don't get to pick and choose for lap dances although I'm sure there's some people they try to eliminate.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ElOtro said:


> The "can´t compete" regardles age wouldn´t apply to the woman I loved (and we were both in our mature years).
> So, for personal reasons (may be reasons shared by others) I stand for @TexasMom1216 "analogy".


Well, if she could wrangle a private party with a couple of men, who wouldn't be betraying an SO, from somewhere near their social circle, that could work.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But it was a lap dance and they don't get to pick and choose for lap dances although I'm sure there's some people they try to eliminate.


i don’t know how they do things with sex trafficked victims in clubs in Bangkok, but in legal clubs in America, the strippers are free consenting adults than can climb into the laps of whoever they want and and can walk on by whoever they refuse to touch.

but if they want to pay their way through nursing school, they’re gonna hafta climb into a few laps.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Well, if she could wrangle a private party with a couple of men, who wouldn't be betraying an SO, from somewhere near their social circle, that could work.


Sorry if I was not clear enough, my fault.
I´m not promoting said revenge thing. 
Not mainly cos a moral thing about revenge but for the sake of her own dignity and not for the one he lacks of.
Divorcing would be my answer instead.
I was agreeing with @TexasMom1216 on that her dancing for another man would make a nearer emotional comparison.
And not agreeing with the "can´t compete" view.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


Your husband is a d1ck! So he would not mind you going out to a strip club yourself and grinding on some hot bodied guys junk? Start going out and when he says something, tell him to see 25 yr old male dancers. You give them lap dances but it is ok, you keep your panties on!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ElOtro said:


> Sorry if I was not clear enough, my fault.
> I´m not promoting said revenge thing.
> Not mainly cos a moral thing about revenge but for the sake of her own dignity and not for the one he lacks of.
> Divorcing would be my answer instead.
> ...


Well I agree with you about her dignity for sure but I'm a devil about retribution and have found it very effective.

A person has to be equipped mentally to do it though and OP might be better off divorcing but maybe not.

If there was some way to make her idiot husband pay what he owes, he might snap out of his bullshyt justification fog he's created for himself.

Also, you do not understand part of what OP is feeling if you don't comprehend the insecurities she has over her husband paying younger women to service him in any sexual fashion.

I am endorsing a course of action that would cause her pos husband similar angst.

Perhaps dating someone else would work?

Regardless, he obviously is bent on behaving like a sex starved goat in heat and blaming his wife for taking away his fun.

She does need to correct him harshly. She needs to require a respect for her dignity that he certainly isn't willing to give right now.

He needs to hurt a bit here.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ElOtro said:


> The "can´t compete" regardles age wouldn´t apply to the woman I loved (and we were both in our mature years).


You are a rare gem. 😌


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Question33! said:


> *My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years*.
> 
> .......* I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company*. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and *he said he was going to a strip club with the guys* instead of a bar to which *I told him I didn't like it*. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. *So I let it go since* I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that *he had been getting lap dances* according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which *I freaked out*. I let it go about going to a strip club *but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance*. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. *So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it* even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. *He decided to stop going out with the guys *but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. *He also refuses to apologize* to me. *I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me* and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


You need to figure out what you want. Do you want to put in the time and effort to rebuild the love in your marriage? Does your H feel he is willing to put the time and effort into rebuilding the love in your marriage? I am sure he understands that he has hurt you deeply, even if he does not admit it nor feel he should apologize.

Before we get into some details. Going out with some guys from work to a strip club after work is an absolutely horrible idea. Most companies have women employees and such activity on the part of men only would be likely considered part of a hostile work environment to the women employees. It would be even worse if they invited the women along. It is good he doesn't go out with those guys any more. 

You might ask him why. It might be that they got a little too close to some of the strippers and it made your H uncomfortable. Or, he may have realized that the strippers and the attention he was getting from them was just an illusion. The strippers make their living by manipulating men to give them money. In their profession they quickly learn how to manipulate men and that those men mean nothing to them, except for the money they give them.

A lap dance is a stripper providing a guy with simulated intercourse. In this day an age, you can go to a dance club, watch a music video and see women twerking against guys or providing simulated intercourse just about any day of the week. When you H was telling you that they had clothes on, he was probably trying to tell you that "he kept his penis in his pants" and based on what he can watch on music videos, he didn't cheat (his perspective) on you. Depending on the club, the difference between simulation and actual intercourse can get quite close. Too close and the strip club may be shut down by the police and the strippers arrested for prostitution. Yes strippers are sex workers, but most are not prostitutes. The one's I met when I was in college as my house social chairman who hired strippers for keg parties (not one of my proudest moments) were mostly financially desperate single moms and felt the men that they "danced" for were losers.

In your marriage you have every right to set boundaries. A husband going out to a strip club and spending his family's money on lap dances is not appropriate behavior for a husband. You have every right to set boundaries in such a situation. You acknowledge that you were guilty of some enabling behaviors, such as telling him to go out drinking at a bar with coworkers and when he told you they were going to a strip club, not setting boundaries.

The past is the past, you both messed up, he more than you. However, if you want to move forward you are going to have to forgive both him and yourself. He is going to have to realize how deeply he hurt you. Then the two of you should agree to behavioral boundaries in each others behavior and what each of you considered cheating. Then you can move forward and try to rebuild trust.

What he did was not your fault, he made the choice. Luckily he isn't doing that any more. Your body or how you look is not the issue. Again, the strippers are professionals at what they do. If they weren't any good in providing men with an illusion of being sexually desired, they wouldn't be able to get money out of them. You have a huge advantage over them, even if you don't feel your body is a hot as it once was. You know what your H likes, you know how to please him and you have had years of practice in making him feel sexually desired. In your setting of boundary discussion also talk about how important it will be to be honest with each other and to make each other feel sexually desired.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Those of you talking about STDs,,, you know you get STDs from actual sexual contact right?
> 
> You don't get STDs through jeans and underwear from some gal in a g-string grinding on your lap while you hand her cash. You don't get STDs from copping a feel with your hands.
> 
> ...


*As Chris Rock said in his comedy routine, There is No Sex In the Champagne Room.*


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> You need to figure out what you want. Do you want to put in the time and effort to rebuild the love in your marriage? Does your H feel he is willing to put the time and effort into rebuilding the love in your marriage? I am sure he understands that he has hurt you deeply, even if he does not admit it nor feel he should apologize.
> 
> Before we get into some details. Going out with some guys from work to a strip club after work is an absolutely horrible idea. Most companies have women employees and such activity on the part of men only would be likely considered part of a hostile work environment to the women employees. It would be even worse if they invited the women along. It is good he doesn't go out with those guys any more.
> 
> ...


If a guy feels sexually desired AND thinks his wife is hot. Why blow it up? Is spouse is beautiful, why act like a ****?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> *As Chris Rock said in his comedy routine, There is No Sex In the Champagne Room.*


Because there is sex in the room. No one pays $$$$$ for no sex


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> Because there is sex in the room. No one pays $$$$$ for no sex





DownByTheRiver said:


> Well I don't know what else they'd be paying all that money for! Whether they get there or not in their allotted time is another matter.





DownByTheRiver said:


> A lot of them are hookers on their own time. It's possible they just pick and choose since they have so many people wanting to bang them.


Actually, lots of guys do. You would be amazed at what lonely men will pay good money for.

You can look up interviews with real prostitutes who will tell you about how there are men who just pay them to talk to them and listen to their problems, because they have no one else. I am not staying that prostitutes don't have sex for money.

Strippers are sex workers. They absolutely are. However, most do stripping and not prostitution, because they don't have to have sex with the men. As sex workers they make their living by getting money from men. They are professionals at extracting money from a man. They will flirt, they will make him feel sexually desired, they will praise him, they will have simulated sex with him all to empty his walled. In college, I saw some guys who "fell in love" with strippers and after they got their wallets drained they were dumped. Up until that day, they knew that the stripper cared about them. Again, these women are skilled professionals at what they do, or at least they were many decades ago.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

My husband was the actual boyfriend of several strippers. They had “regulars” that they told they really liked and were dating but could only see them at the club and had to give dances to so they “wouldn’t get in trouble with the manager.” 

The strippers and their boyfriends do laugh at those sad men. Then they spend their money.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Well I agree with you about her dignity for sure but I'm a devil about retribution and have found it very effective.
> 
> A person has to be equipped mentally to do it though and OP might be better off divorcing but maybe not.
> 
> ...


Once more it seems I failed to explain myself.

In a more wider sense I´m not opposed to retaliation when and where it haves some merit.
My differences with your posts about have another source.
Even if the proposed tactics were useful to keep the marriage, given what happened I don´t see it a desirable goal.
I would break my back working to keep a relationship worth of it. Not otherwise.
Of course, divorcing is not something I´m advising her. It´s just what I would do.
So, to retaliate.....becomes abstract of a purpose that I would wish.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> Actually, lots of guys do. You would be amazed at what lonely men will pay good money for.
> 
> You can look up interviews with real prostitutes who will tell you about how there are men who just pay them to talk to them and listen to their problems, because they have no one else. I am not staying that prostitutes don't have sex for money.
> 
> Strippers are sex workers. They absolutely are. However, most do stripping and not prostitution, because they don't have to have sex with the men. As sex workers they make their living by getting money from men. They are professionals at extracting money from a man. They will flirt, they will make him feel sexually desired, they will praise him, they will have simulated sex with him all to empty his walled. In college, I saw some guys who "fell in love" with strippers and after they got their wallets drained they were dumped. Up until that day, they knew that the stripper cared about them. Again, these women are skilled professionals at what they do, or at least they were many decades ago.


Believe me, I've encountered more than my share, and a lot of them are straight-up hookers. I do know they are groomed to tell the men how attractive they are and how their wives don't deserve them. The psychological part is definitely a huge part of prostitution. I used to be on some tour buses, and strippers were absolutely doing paid prostitution on some of them and backstage. I'm sure which ones are and aren't depends mostly on what their employer at the strip club expects of them, but lap dances are a given and that's sex. It's just dry sex. The other thing is they all have "the story" that is designed to make them look like an unlucky hapless girl who just had a lot of bad luck or she wouldn't be doing sex work. They all have that story. That's all part of their training, as I understand it. That's why some of these guys feel sorry for them and give them all their money, because they're idiots who want to believe that crap as well as the crap she's flattering them about. It's pathetic.

I actually knew quite well one old stripper then in her 50s who was so well groomed, she didn't even realize she was a sex worker, even though she had paying clients. It's a whole way of brainwashing them to "empower" them and make them keep doing it.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You are a rare gem. 😌


Thank you so, so much.
Even so, I don´t deserve it.
I´m a man that found what love was when near to reach his sixties.
Since then and tilI I lost her, we lived the best years of my life with THE woman.
She was the rare gem. Not me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband was the actual boyfriend of several strippers. They had “regulars” that they told they really liked and were dating but could only see them at the club and had to give dances to so they “wouldn’t get in trouble with the manager.”
> 
> The strippers and their boyfriends do laugh at those sad men. Then they spend their money.


I'm sure the ones who aren't too drugged up to have their wits about them probably pick the guys who they hope are the least likely to turn into stalkers. They pump these guys up and then can't get rid of them. 

Was your husband an athlete? Is that why he ended up meeting and dating strippers, by any chance? Or did he just frequent the strip clubs?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure the ones who aren't too drugged up to have their wits about them probably pick the guys who they hope are the least likely to turn into stalkers. They pump these guys up and then can't get rid of them.
> 
> Was your husband an athlete? Is that why he ended up meeting and dating strippers, by any chance? Or did he just frequent the strip clubs?


He was an athlete and a DJ. He was friends with a lot of athletes after college too, he hung out with them and that’s how he met the women he used to date. I’m not like any of them. Hence my trepidation. 😉

Even the drugged up strippers are able to see which men are going to be easy marks. They’re not hard to spot.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He was an athlete and a DJ. He was friends with a lot of athletes after college too, he hung out with them and that’s how he met the women he used to date. I’m not like any of them. Hence my trepidation. 😉


Was he DJing at strip clubs? Usually they just put on AC/DC and call it a day. The only thing good about strip clubs is the music. Yes, I would find it worrisome. Did he get his fill of them? Did he get entangled with some golddiggers?

The reason I asked that is athletes and touring musicians, same thing. They get provided a lot of strippers and prostitutes by people.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ElOtro said:


> Once more it seems I failed to explain myself.
> 
> In a more wider sense I´m not opposed to retaliation when and where it haves some merit.
> My differences with your posts about have another source.
> ...


Yeah and I'm an entirely different creature altogether but can empathize with the OP while giving what advice my spin on life offers. I don't misread you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Was he DJing at strip clubs? Usually they just put on AC/DC and call it a day. The only thing good about strip clubs is the music. Yes, I would find it worrisome. Did he get his fill of them? Did he get entangled with some golddiggers?
> 
> The reason I asked that is athletes and touring musicians, same thing. They get provided a lot of strippers and prostitutes by people.


No, he DJed at regular clubs. He was really good, or so his friends tell me. I have no idea, he rarely talks about it. He doesn’t go to strip clubs (not that I’m aware of, I don’t police him). He wouldn’t have been prey for gold diggers then, but he for sure would now.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

They have male strip shows now where they get women up on stage and rub their cocks all over them, encourage the women to give them a few strokes. Go to one of these and see his thoughts on it then.

I think it's a good reason to be upset - but even if I didn't I'd still respect that I'd upset my partner and talk it through with her and agree to never do it again. I mean are lap dances really more important than a marriage?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DamianDamian said:


> They have male strip shows now where they get women up on stage and rub their cocks all over them, encourage the women to give them a few strokes. Go to one of these and see his thoughts on it then.


The difference is that she doesn't want to do something like that. He does.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

DamianDamian said:


> I mean are lap dances really more important than a marriage?


As they shoudn´t coexist with marriage, they IMO are a reason to end it and yet it happens, yes they are.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


Well, I can see why you are angry. But, you should have laid the boundary down. Once you found out the first time, you should have nixed it then. But you said you were ok with it, because you know he loves you, but you were not okay with it. 

I think you need to lay down that boundary now, because he violated your trust and empathy, in regards to you being considerate of him being down and suggesting he go out. He took advantage of you in that sense, and you have every right to be upset and stop him from going to strip clubs, since he didn't tell you the truth about where he was going and that they were topless and can be touched.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Just because this woman mistakenly (and regrettably) 'gave her consent' for her husband to do something, doesn't mean his conduct is/was okay - or that his choices are her fault.

People seem to use this left and right as an excuse to get away with poor behavior. Like a 'hall pass'. 🙄


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> If a guy feels sexually desired AND thinks his wife is hot. *Why blow it up?* Is spouse is beautiful, *why act like a ****?*


We are human. That means we all make mistakes at times. We have free will.

Why do people blow up marriages? So many reasons, but mostly because of so many mistakes.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

For the record, I would not divorce over a lap dance, especially if he stopped going and engaging with strippers.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure the ones who aren't too drugged up to have their wits about them probably pick the guys who they hope are the least likely to turn into stalkers. They pump these guys up and then can't get rid of them.
> 
> Was your husband an athlete? Is that why he ended up meeting and dating strippers, by any chance? Or did he just frequent the strip clubs?


I used to have a stripper that would come find me to dance at the club. she was a hot blond with green eyes. Stage name Jade. She wanted to 2-step on her off nights. She wanted me to meet a co worker, Shawnee, who she had been telling her she needed to find a tall good looking cowboy that will treat her right.

Went and met Shawnee, she was very attractive, but I am too jealous of a man to have an alcoholic GF "mingling" with the crowd and being cozied up to when off set. Took a buddy with me to the SC and he goes to put money in Jades g-string, she grabs his cowboy hat and pulled him in to smother him with her tits before finishing her set with his CB hat on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How's your sex life and your relationship in general, @Question33!? I'm trying to understand why he feels the need to go to a strip club, apart from being stressed out at work.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> How's your sex life and your relationship in general, @Question33!? I'm trying to understand why he feels the need to go to a strip club, apart from being stressed out at work.


I was waiting for someone to say that. XH went to strip clubs secretly all while not feeling like sex with me. It's not necessarily cause and effect and the level of disrespect his responses suggest is worrying.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> I was waiting for someone to say that. XH went to strip clubs secretly all while not feeling like sex with me. It's not necessarily cause and effect and the level of disrespect his responses suggest is worrying.


I just don't believe he can be so obnoxious... who says stuff like that?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

If guys are not getting enough sex at home with their wives or want to get down with younger women, I can tell you the sex industry is all fake.
To sex workers what they do and who with is strictly a business transaction and having been with prostitutes myself in the past and visited beerbars here in Thailand, every experience I had with a sex worker was one big anti climax also with the added concern of worrying if I`d caught something although I always used protection.
Guys who use these services will eventually learn none of it is value for money or emotionally stimulating, better off to go for a good meal, a few drinks and then home to the wife. 
BTW, since being married I have never cheated or go astray, this all happened during my single days.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband was the actual boyfriend of several strippers. They had “regulars” that they told they really liked and were dating but could only see them at the club and had to give dances to so they “wouldn’t get in trouble with the manager.”
> 
> The strippers and their boyfriends do laugh at those sad men. Then they spend their money.


I think an important distinction to make here is strippers most likely HATE and are disgusted by and have nothing but disdain and disgust for the nerds, the creepers, frat boys and dirty old men that make up the clientele of the strip club. 

They may hook up with the DJs and the bouncers and bartenders on their own time and I imagine many have to give BJs and what not to the managers and owners of the clubs,, but to the sad sacks sitting down on Sniffers Row, they have nothing but disdain and disgust. 

And yes they will pump them and manipulate them and work them for every red cent they can out of them and laugh their way to bank and ridicule them to their BFs and use their money to buy their BF a new shirt or whatever. 

The thing we need to keep in mind here is the OP's husband is one of nerds/creepers/dirty old men that the strippers hate and exploit. He is not the hunk that they are going for on their own time. 

The OP feels like she is in competition with these gals. But she is not. They are not even in the game. They are taking his money and mocking him in disgust behind his back. 

He's a fool and a chump. 

Instead of jealousy and competition, she needs to view him with the same disgust and contempt as the strippers taking his money.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Instead of jealousy and competition, she needs to view him with the same disgust and contempt as the strippers taking his money.


You may be right on the look he deserves.
If you are, next consistent step should be get rid of him.


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## Question33! (3 mo ago)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I actually talked it out with my husband. I understand that he was not serious about the comment of "No longer telling me things" and he told me how much he loves me and would never think about being with another woman. He even told me he planned on meeting with a therapist soon to help him with the stress he was going through with work. I will let the lap dance go and forgive him. Now that he knows how much I was hurt by it I don't see him ever doing it again.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DamianDamian said:


> They have male strip shows now where they get women up on stage and rub their cocks all over them, encourage the women to give them a few strokes. Go to one of these and see his thoughts on it then.
> 
> I think it's a good reason to be upset - but even if I didn't I'd still respect that I'd upset my partner and talk it through with her and agree to never do it again. *I mean are lap dances really more important than a marriage?*


Seems the answer is yes. 🥺


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What about him not wanting sex with you and thinking your lingerie is ridiculous? Hex rug sweeping and telling you what you want to hear.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> What about him not wanting sex with you and thinking your lingerie is ridiculous? Hex rug sweeping and telling you what you want to hear.


I hope this poor girl has other people in her life that will tell her she doesn’t deserve to be cheated on.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Because there is sex in the room. No one pays $$$$$ for no sex


Rock was making a joke about what men tell their wives after they have sex in the Champagne Room.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Question33! said:


> Thanks everyone for the replies. I actually talked it out with my husband. I understand that he was not serious about the comment of "No longer telling me things" and *he told me how much he loves me and would never think about being with another woman. *He even told me he planned on meeting with a therapist soon to help him with the stress he was going through with work. I will let the lap dance go and forgive him. Now that he knows how much I was hurt by it I don't see him ever doing it again.


surely you realize that’s a lie and he was most definitely at the strip club—- thinking about being with another woman. It’s easy to say this or that. Don’t be naive. Your husband pulled disrespectful bs on you and that alone is reason for you to start expecting actions yo match words. I hope you do that. 

I think communication is good, but you should be more concerned with his actions..
If he’s feeling distant, not wanting you sexually, etc............. there’s a reason. Could be the same reason as feeling the need to go hang out in strip joints.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

Question33! said:


> My husband and I met in high school and have been together for 33 years. During that time we have always been each other's best friends and would do things together as well as tell each other everything. My husband has recently been going through a lot of stress due to his job so I suggested that he go to a bar with a couple of guys that recently started working at his company. After going out a couple of times a week I noticed he seemed to be in a better mood so I asked him and he said he was going to a strip club with the guys instead of a bar to which I told him I didn't like it. He said he was having fun and was going to continue to go. So I let it go since I know he loves me and he seemed to be feeling better. One day he and I were talking and he mentioned that he had been getting lap dances according to him it's been about 6 in a couple month to which I freaked out. I let it go about going to a strip club but I NEVER agreed to any lap dance. He than tried to tell me that the girls wear lingerie and there's no touching. But since he wouldn't tell me the name of the club I had to sneak his phone and figure out the club's name based on his text messages with the guys. I got the club's number and called them and was told the girls are topless and the guys can touch them. So now I'm really angry. I started to feel horrible about how I look and why he would do this to me. He says I'm being childish and should get over it even though I explained how upset I am and hurt about it. He decided to stop going out with the guys but has reminded me on several occasions that he was having fun and now that's over. He has also mentioned that he will never tell me anything else. He also refuses to apologize to me. I now feel like I'm no longer enough for him. I'm older and maybe he wants someone younger than me and that's why he has a little of resentment for walking away from the lap dancing.


He’s behaving like a child. Ask him how he would feel if you went to see male strippers and got hands on?


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## E902090 (7 mo ago)

Question33! said:


> Oh I did! As soon as he let it slip that he had been having lap dances I went totally off. I then went off again after finding out he lied to me about the girls being topless and the fact that he could touch them. I guess he thought I was too dumb to figure out where he had been going to call and verify that story. But before I figured that out I tried to figure out what I could do to make him want me more. I bought sexy lingerie, massage oils and started asking him to do more things with me. He told me he hated the lingerie and oils. He didn't want to do things I suggested and if we went out to a restaurant he would always complain. I told him I was thinking about getting a boob job and instead of saying "No" like in the past he was all for it. It wasn't until I told him our adult son saw me researching it online and said I was perfect and shouldn't do it that he even changed his reaction but than he quickly went back to I should do it. I've also started working out like crazy trying to loose weight. Once I found out about him touching the girls and that they were topless. I lost it on him. He's still acting like he did noting wrong. I gave him an example of what he had done. I told him image that I went to a club with 2 friends and some hot guy comes up to me and ask for a dance and I go out on the dance floor and the guy starts touching my boobs and p**** along with my ass and than I start touching his ass and chest would he be okay with it and he said no but that's not the same thing at all. I told him it was and it hurts! We were both virgins when we got together so now I feel like he wants some one new. He did stop going to the club but he makes these comments about I told him not go which makes me feel he resents me for stopping his fun especially after his comment of I will never tell you anything else. Even though he can clearly see how much he hurt me he also refuses to apologize for doing this.


This opinion is from a happily married 65-year-old guy. I think your analogy is spot on. It is the same thing. A married man going to a strip club is bad but what's so much worse is lying to you about everything and trying to justify it when you found out. The other thing that really disturbs me is him saying he won't tell you anything anymore. If you don't have honest open communication in a marriage, I don't know how the relationship can survive. Please don't beat yourself up over this, you not only didn't do anything wrong, but you were trying to put a spark back in your marriage. As far as getting older, I think most of us become our worst critics about our appearance because we compare ourselves to younger people. I still try to keep myself in shape but I'm no longer the guy with the six pack abs but I'm still me inside, which I think means so much more. I don't know you but if I had to bet, I would say you probably are a Great wife and partner. You are too good for him. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you will get beyond this and be happy again. Take care


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