# Why won't he just get it.



## movingon (May 30, 2010)

I have been married for 8.5 years, and together for 11. We have 3 young children. My husband is an addict. 4 years ago I sent him to rehab for drug abuse. Now he is drinking. I feel our marriage is done. I have worked so very hard at keeping it together. With Rehab, relapsing, and has admitted to cheating on my twice during his drug filled days. He works away and always seems to be screwing up. My final straw I feel is we had a weekend planned away, no kids, I had to fly where we were meeting and he had a couple hour drive. He showed up a day late. So obviosly the weekend was ruined. Now he is in major suck up mode, but I feel just disgusted when I look at him. I just feel so scared to leave. We have 3 children, and well really I raise them on my own anyways due to him working away, so that part doesn't worry me. I know life isn't about what you have, but we have a beautiful house, and my business is out of our home, and unless I some how got a house in the same area I would loose all my clients, which means my income. But I am so angry. I have no one to talk too, my friends and family went through so much with me with his addiction, I just hate to ask them for help again. I just really want the chance to be one of those people who is proud of the person they are married too. I just wish he could be that guy.


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## hawaii (Jun 13, 2010)

i feel it too. just don't know how i can afford to move out. been dealing with it for 26 yrs. youngest is 16 yr old son. expecting our 1st grandbaby @ christmas. can't do this any more but can't afford to be out on my own. hate the message its sending our kids specially our son. he is much more of a man than his dad is when he is drinking. idk what i did to disserve the great kids i have. i am so proud of them. really good kids. just hate the husband when he is drinking. HATE IT! he has spent hours and hours holding me and our kids hostage by telling us all he is quitting but needs help. he has asked me to keep iced tea etc so he isn't tempted....ive had glass after glass made for him when he gets home and he jsut ignores it and goes to the beer. ive asked! threatened! pleaded! begged! bugged! been pushed around too many times! my family is loosing respect for me too cause i never do anything about it. if i had the $ i be gone long ago. hate this! too tired!


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## Alwaysconfused (Feb 18, 2010)

I can understand on both sides. I am an addict and I was married to an addict whose addiction finally took her life. I am still dealing with being an addict and have re-married which gives me both perspectives.

I would first like to say that addiction is a hard one to beat. I deal with alcohol and marijuana addiction everyday. I have been able to beat the alcohol but the marijuana is a little harder. I just want to say that the only thing that will help is support and love. Be prepared to learn which one you need to choose in difficult times. 

Here are a few things to consider. "Do not enable them!" If you are enabling them you must stop being a resource whether financial or in other ways. 

"Get support for yourself!" - Find a support group such as Al-Anon, an Alcoholic Anonymous sub group that helps the spouses of the addicted. I attended this group when I was battling with my first wifes addiction problems and it helped me cope and a gain strength in times of need.

Do not "Draw the line in the sand." It may validate your reason to leave when you come to them with the "Choose Me or your addiction" ultimatium. Addicts hear is "Choose You or go and get high without your *****in!" When someone is addicted they are being selfish and don't recognize what is at stake. I suggest that you find counseling and a support group for the two of you.

"Work on trust." I have lied before and it has cost me alot with my current wife...even taking a "Piss Test" when doubt is present. Us Addicts are great liars so be prepared to be disappointed but know that we love our spouses and family more than anything.

Take care of yourself, pray and believe in yourself and if your marriage means everything to you and your spouse it will work out. Prepare yourself for a hard uphill battle but victory can be accomplished.


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## MissBhaven (Mar 18, 2010)

I too have been married to an addict for almost 17 years. I have an 18 year old son from a previous marriage and we have a 14 year old daughter together. I don't know that I've had an honest "good" year in all the years we've been together. From birth of our child it has always been me taking care of the children, paying bills and making decisions - his only responsibility was sitting in a bar until closing then coming home and demanding his food be done. 
As Hawaii has stated you get tired asking, threatening, pleading, begging and bugging them to let up, be more comforting & supportive or asking what you can do to help. The answer will always be the same...."NOTHING".
I too have lost respect for my husband and though I've been determined for many many years that one day my husband was going to see the light it has never come.
I know excatly how you feel moving on, but unfortunately through my experience there is no yes or no answer out there. Living with an addict is like a continuous emotional rollercoaster that leaves you not knowing if you will be going up or coming down from day to day.
I have gotten to the point where I need meds for anxiety and depression to get through each day. I am hoping you are not at that point or ever will be. I've known in my heart that things would probably never change since he believes he has no problem but in my mind I've always hoped it was wrong. Like you I am unable to afford to be on my own with my daughter still in school and the other in college, but the thought crosses my mind often that if working two jobs is what I need to do, then my happiness would be worth it!
I hope everything works out for you and that you find the true happiness you deserve!


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