# Emotional roller coster ride.



## mike_ (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi everyone. 

I'm new to the site and I honestly don't know if I'm after advice, a cure, a miracle or just to rant. 

I have known my wife for about 10 years and married nearly 5 now. I honestly do love her more than I can tell you. 
I will shorten the story a bit to bore you less. 

I have never had anyone come onto me. Always been the shy type and spent most of my child hood looking after my ill grandparents so I didn't have a social life neither. 
I met my wife at a party about 11 years ago. Apparently she was coming onto me but I didn't have a clue. 
For 3 years I always knew when she was going to be a ***** due to her cycle. It was like clockwork so I knew when to ask for extra shifts at work to avoid her and let someone else get moaned at instead. I was all about me back then so I was a bit of a **** if I'm honest. We split up and met other people but somehow met each other again and then that lead to marriage which I was over the moon about. 
Our son came along 3 and a half years ago and from when he was about 6 weeks old she started to change. When I say change I mean jeckle and Hyde. She is now 2 people. One is the nicest person ever. My angel. The other who is around most of the time is a total utter...............
I hate this side of her. I have always said I would never hit a women and I'm certain I wouldn't even now but I'm always having out of body experiences where she is telling me what a useless what's it I am and the noise drowns out by my mind taking over and I can see myself chucking her down the stairs or grabbing her by the throat and shouting what is your bloody problem!!! 

But I still love her, some how, and stay with her. Since we got together I have stuck by her And supported her with everything that has happened.
Last year she went out got drunk and brought her friend back to the house. I woke up bout 3 am as they were being noisy and then a little while later heard them playing with each other, her friend is a women. Now every bloke knows what noises their wife makes when they do certain things so I know exactly what was happening. She still lies to this day about it. It took 6 months to suddenly have a day when I didn't think about it and it has taken a lot to stay with her. I'm called all the names under the sun on a daily basis but I'm still here. I now have 2 kids 3 and 9 weeks. The thing that makes this worse is the roller coster ride she sends me on. I never know where I stand. She changes like a flick of a light switch so I never know who she is going to be when I walk back In a room. 

She has accused me of cheating which I can promise I have not done. Funny enough this has happened more since she cheated. What a surprise. 

I think I am just here for the kids but although i do love her I don't think I want to be here any more. But I refuse to lose my kids. They are what keeps me fighting on everyday. 

I have a bad back which really hurts everyday and sometimes slows me down. She is supposed to support me like a wife but constantly tells me how useless I am. This annoys me most of all as she would expect me to be her little ***** if he had a problem. 

As I said I don't know what I want from this forum but maybe your words may help. 

2 friends have told me to have an affair so it takes the pressure off of home life but even if I did do that it took me years to find someone who wanted me so what chance do I have of an affair. 


Mike.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Mike

I hesitated to answer because I'm no expert in what I see in your post. Came back and checked to see you have no replies.

Your wife is not well. Many of us put up with things because they are our normal. We don't see the problem for what it is. You may want to consider that she is not well mentally. The rage, verbal abuse, Jekyl and Hyde...cheating. These may point to something like bipolar disease, BPD or some other thing. She needs help that you can't provide.

Marriage counseling may kick start things for the better and it may guide you quicker to the inevitable end. Start by taking care of you. You may have some issues but her behavior is not your fault.

Hopefully others will be along to assist soon.

~ Passio


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

• Symptoms of PPD include: 
◦ Sadness
◦ Frequent crying
◦ Insomnia
◦ Appetite changes
◦ Difficulty concentrating/making decisions
◦ Feelings of worthlessness
◦ Racing thoughts
◦ Agitation and/or persistent anxiety
◦ Anger, fear, and/or feelings of guilt
◦ Obsessive thoughts of inadequacy as a person/parent
◦ Lack of interest in usual activities
◦ Lack of concern about personal appearance 
◦ Feeling a loss of control
◦ Feeling disconnected from the baby
◦ Possible suicidal thoughts
• Although most symptoms of PPD are similar to those in a Major Depressive Disorder, many symptoms are unique to PPD, including feelings of anger, fear, or extreme feelings of guilt, obsessive thoughts of inadequacy as a parent, extreme exhaustion yet difficulty sleeping, agitation, feelings of disconnection from the baby, and feeling a loss of control over one's life.
• Risk factors for PPD include:* 1) First-time motherhood, 
2) ambivalence about keeping the pregnancy, 3) history of PPD, bipolar, or another mood disorder, 4) lack of social support, 5) lack of stable relationship with partner and/or with parents, 6) woman's dissatisfaction with herself, 7) history of infertility, 8) unrealistic expectations of parenthood, 9) recent stressful event, 10) previous aversive reaction to oral contraceptives or severe PMS.
• Causes of PPD include:* 1) biological/ physiological factors (genetic predisposition, hormone-related, severity of physical damage from labor and delivery), 2) environmental factors (stress, feeling alone, lack of support), 
3) psychological factors (things that affect a woman's self-esteem and the way she copes with stress), or 4) infant-related factors (infants with difficult temperament or colic, infants born with problems).* **Most likely it is a combination of all of these**.


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## mike_ (Nov 25, 2014)

Thanks.

I have thought about bipolar for a while. she has most symtoms apart from 1. 
Today has completely lost the plot and went full guns at me in front of my and told me things that she thinks im doing behind her back. hiding money, sleeping around. she even thinks im drugging her drinks. 
Im really not doing any of that. I mean i would love to drug her and shut her up from time to time but i havent. 

On the verge of walking out. this has happend for years now and i have supported all i can. 
I have taken her to the doctors but they just look at me like i said " my wife is broken, fix her " as if she is my robot slave. 
All they dont last time was chuck anti depressants at her which didnt work. 
i hate to say it but im done. My son is 3 and he is starting to pick up on things. Although i love her so much, my kids will always be first and i dont want them growing up thinking this is normal cos it aint.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is not your job to fix broken people. I think she will need specialist help for that. There is a high probability of a biochemical unbalance in her head. Sad, but it happens. She is no longer the person you fell for, and she may never be that person again. Even if they find the correct meds, her personality, the one you fell for, is likely gone. Then you have to ask yourself, can you love a shadow?


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

Dear Mike
When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind is some sort of mental illness. I have it in my family and know others who have it....and unfortunately my husband is this way. In his case he is a functional alcoholic (meaning he is able to keep a job even though he is a drunk). He goes in cycles of drinking a bit too much to going overboard drinking 28 cans of beer a day in which case he becomes nonfunctioning psycho exhibiting symptoms of someone who is bipolar. Even when he is not drinking so much he can switch from being a super sweet person to exploding over the smallest thing. Sometimes the sudden explosions startles me so much it makes me jump.

I don't know how old you are, but my advice would be to fluff yourself up. Start eating well, go to the gym, read some magazines to learn how to improve the way you dress. This will make you feel more confident. Confidence and a smile attracts women. When you were young, it was probably harder to find a girl because at that point women are in their prime. As women get older, the pool of men dwindles. Men want the younger girls and the older ones get ignored. If you are in your 40s or older and want to find someone around your age you have a better chance now than when you were younger. ....Look, I am 50 and freaking out a bit because I know it will only be a matter of time before men will stop looking. I have to watch my husband (55) ogle after 20something year olds and making me feel like an old car.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mike_ said:


> Our son came along 3 and a half years ago and from when he was about 6 weeks old she started to change. When I say change I mean jeckle and Hyde. She is now 2 people.


Mike, I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the kids are dealing with. I suggest this because you seem to be describing behavior that is emotionally unstable. 

Signficantly, the most common cause of such instability -- when drug abuse is ruled out -- is a strong hormone change (e.g., pregnancy, PPD, or perimenopaus). I therefore agree with Fisty that, if her instability really did begin 6 weeks after the birth of your first child, the most likely cause is PPD. 

You seem to suggest, however, that she was moody and unstable (to a lesser degree) when you first started dating her -- well before she got pregnant. That is, you mention her cycling between moods for 3 years before you two broke up before eventually getting married.

If she does have an earlier history of instability and mood flips, PPD likely is not the cause of the rapid mood changes. In that case, it would be prudent to consider the two remaining common causes of such moodiness. As Idyit suggested, those causes are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest you take a look at my description of the differences between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers and BPDers at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. That description is based on my experience with my bipolar-1 foster son and my BPDer exW. 

When you read that post, I suspect you will find that the behaviors you describe -- e.g., verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, paranoia, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde -- are far closer to the warning signs for BPD than those for bipolar. If that is the case, I suggest you read my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Mike.


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## mike_ (Nov 25, 2014)

Thanks a lot for the advice. 

Uptown, thank you im going to take a look. but after today and yesterdays events i think i have completely given up on trying anymore. it sounds selfish but i have given every ounce of energy i have to support and look after her but the verbal abuse i get daily has pushed me to my limit. its just always about her. she couldnt give a dam about anyone else. she always been stubborn and mouthy but something changed after my son was born. something i dont think i can ever help her with. 

New Life Please, Thank you for you story. your 50 but sound sweeter than any lady i know. so dont ever think its too late. Im very close to 28 and im scared of starting all that dating stuff again. tbh i kinda hated it. too stressful! I would much prefer a film, cuddle and laughs sitting on the sofa than some posh dinner and listening to noisy eaters in a cinema. 
I only have to get my hair cut and im sure the cogs are turning in her head thinking im looking for someone else. so getting tarted up would just give me a headache.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Sounds like a BPD.

How does she behave out of the house? Does she rage in front of others or just rip into you when you get home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mike_ (Nov 25, 2014)

still the same out and about but not as bad. or not as loud should i say


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

It's very difficult to be precise about PD's because they all have different personalities, levels of empathy, narcissism, social perception concerns, etc.

Some BPDs seek help for themselves. Most don't - cuz they think everyone else causes their angst - and without it they don't get better. 

Best treatment is therapy (esp' CBT) and SSRI meds. First, you have to persuade her to get it and she'll most likely fight like a tiger.

Without it, the nightmare will continue and it's a bad environment for the kids - even dangerous in some cases.

Get her to a shrink for an accurate diagnosis, if you can. Probable BPD or a PD plus other factors that amount to the same nightmare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mike_ (Nov 25, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> It's very difficult to be precise about PD's because they all have different personalities, levels of empathy, narcissism, social perception concerns, etc.
> 
> Some BPDs seek help for themselves. Most don't - cuz they think everyone else causes their angst - and without it they don't get better.
> 
> ...


I'm now sure its bpd. After reasearching she ticks everybox.

4am and 7am this morning she is screaming at me for what I can tell is nothing. She's looking for things to moan about. Her mum is winding me up severly by palming it off as "oh she's just tired". For nearly 4 years? Really? I just feel so alone right now. I can't work as she won't let me. I run a small business for pets services which is just about paying the bills. I have a bad back which is getting worse everyweek but I have learnt to work around the pain so I could work but I have quit 2 brilliant jobs in the past cos she caused me so much agro having a go at my manager in one place because she was certain I was having an affair. I wouldn't know how to have an affair. I'm a crap lier because the guilt would haunt me. But if I left I could get work instantly in my engineering field. I'm so scared my son is going to pick up on all this and affect him. 
I'm desperate for a miricle now. I'm also desperate to run away to a different part of the uk. A different country even just to hide from it all. 
No one is listening to me here. I'm hitting a dead end and feel I don't have any options available to me. 

Just want to ball my eyes out but I'm too tired and stressed to even do that right at this momment in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

There's nothing much I can say to help you Mike. (Not sure I want to if you're gonna set her loose in the UK. I figured you were Stateside. lol).

Seriously, if she has family members justifying her behaviour and she rages at you in workplaces,, she's a bad one and you're on your own. With the best will in the world, you won't figure out how to keep her mellow for long or have the energy for it.

She NEEDS treatment. Maybe your GP, council/social services or the Care Quality Commission can advise you how best to ensure she gets it.

If I get a better idea I'll post again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Avva butchers at this. Lists various intervention teams and there's a Contact Us/advice button with pro's to reply.

Glossary of mental health services - NHS services - NHS Choices
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mike_ said:


> If I left I could get work instantly in my engineering field.


So go be an engineer who shares joint custody of your two kids. Give them something to aspire to.



> I'm desperate for a miracle now.


That's just a feeling, Mike. Don't believe it. You already have two healthy children and the power to end this toxic marriage.



> I'm also desperate to run away to a different part of the uk. A different country even just to hide from it all.


Nonsense. You know you want to stay near enough to your kids to help raise them. Try to find that engineering job within a reasonable distance.



> No one is listening to me here.


If your W is a BPDer as you suspect, her emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. It therefore is unrealistic to expect her to be listening to you. Young children are motivated more by consequences and actions than by words.



> I'm hitting a dead end and feel I don't have any options available to me.


Again, that's just a feeling. Don't believe it, Mike.


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