# Is it my fault?



## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

This is my first post in years. Looking back at my old posts, I notice that they were all filled with anxiety about the financial woes of my marriage. Some years, a master’s degree, a new career with a pay cut, a repossessed car, and bunch of debt later...things have gotten worse. I’m here now to ask if it’s my fault. 

My husband has been fired from 5 jobs within the last 5 years. The last job loss hit us hard because I’ve returned to teaching and the pay is less than desirable. I do not make enough money to cover all of the bills and my husband currently has no income. My credit score is tanking from the missed/late payments as I struggle to make ends meet with a paycheck that is hundreds of dollars less than our total necessary expenses (rent, electricity, cell phones, gas, groceries, etc.). 

I have two degrees from two prestigious universities. I have an amazing network in my sector and have had great success over the years. My husband doesn’t have the connections or drive that I have, which is something that I’ve accepted. I’m now wrestling with my choice to return to teaching (which has given me the chance to be on the same schedule as my kids), knowing that my husband will likely never hold down a good job. I’m thinking about quitting to make some real money since it appears that I will be the breadwinner in my family. Has anyone had to go through this? Any thoughts on my approach? Am I selfish for teaching, knowing that my income needs to be much higher?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Selfish?

No, you are hopelessly foolish.

You are carrying the bulk of the weight in your marriage. 
Why? Because you are willing.

Your husband is not willing.

Your husband is dead weight.

I suggest you tell him to poop or get off the pot.

Pot, too? i hope not.


Lilith-


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Dear Peachy It appears that at the least you are wearing some rose-colored glasses. So do you love him that much? Is being on the same schedule as ur kids worth it that much? If so keep on trucking if not make changes.


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Those are great questions. I think that the love that I have for my children outweighs the inconveniences of my marriage and my job, but I have a tough decision to make either way. What’s happening now isn’t working so instead of focusing on my husband’s shortcomings I’m trying to do what’s best for our kids. 

Thanks for your reply!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

No offense but I think you fundamentally don't understand your husband and how character works in general. Seems you think that you are only in financial danger because you husband can't keep a job. My Mom felt like you when it came to my chronically unemployed step-father. This was until he started to pursue other women and give money away. It was more then not keeping a job, it was his whole nature. 

Character is character, you husband sounds very flawed. This will not just stop with not holding a job, eventually he will do other things until it will get to the point where you will have to address it. 

YOU ARE NOT SAFE even if you end up earning all the money in your marriage. He will blow your money, or cheat on you. The problem isn't his inability to keep a job but it's his nature. It all works together.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A man that can’t hold a job or stay employed has too many m natal problems to stay HAPPILY married to. You must be nearly a saint to put up with him.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Selfish? Maybe.
Irresponsible? Definitely.

If you have debt and the ability to earn more, do it. Your husband is not working, so he ostensibly can look after the kids. Work your butt off to get out of debt. 

I'd also suggest you reevaluate your lifestyle. If you can't afford the life you have, live the life you can afford. Your kids are learning how to handle finances from your example. Do you want them following in your current footsteps?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I will say that I am a career woman myself, so I'll put that bias right up front.

IMO the best thing now you can do for you and your kids is to provide stability- and by stability, I mean decent (not necessarily fancy) housing, clothing, food, and opportunity. As a mom, it gives me peace to know that if anything happened to my husband, I know I can take care of our son. 

If you have the education and skill set, IMO you would be doing your kids a great dis-service to them by willingly putting yourselves in the poorhouse- which is now the case. Stop digging- the deeper you into debt, the fewer options are available and the closer to upheaval and chaos you'll get. Your kids have already been exposed to car repossession, you can't afford your housing, if you can't do that what about school supplies, school activities, etc? 

You know your H is not financially reliable, so don't rely on him. He could/should/blah blah blah. He's NOT, that is the reality that you have to deal with. Be realistic and make your short term (present to 3 years or so) plans, get stable, re-assess as needed but at least a few times a year.

Kids are not harmed by a good day care; they are harmed by instability and chaos. They are stressed when their parents are stressed. If you can, the best thing you can do is show them how to be strong and successful.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Your husband is disrespecting you and the marriage. He is a big part of the problem.

I was wondering what you would do if you found yourself raising your children on your own? Would you stay in this job or find something that is a compromise between something you really like doing and something that utilizes your skills to make a better income? 

I can't see you putting up with him for long. That's got to be miserable. I feel sad for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will have to be the breadwinner so you need to do whatever it takes to make sure your family is financially stable. Teaching, unfortunately, is not it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What is the other job you could be doing besides teaching?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I could not live in financial crisis. Do y'all talk about the future--does he have any plan, possibilities.

Thinking you knew his weakness in job stability when you chose to teach. Will lifestyle changes make finances manageable?

If he lost jobs for the same reasons and he wants to do better, what would that look like? Realize you can't change him, but you can change your acceptance of years of the status quo.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@sokillme is 100% correct, regarding your husband's character / nature.
"
Your husband's character aside, have you looked into Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University in order to learn ways to cut or reduce unnecessary expenses? You might be able to live on way less, and reduce your stress.

Is your husband a good "househusband"? Does he take responsibility for most of the household and child related duties? Does he take the children to their activities, make breakfast, lunch and dinner, clean, do laundry, doing the grocery shopping (and being frugal so as to save $) etc.?

Is he actively looking for employment?

Why was he fired from those jobs?


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> ... Will lifestyle changes make finances manageable? ....


This is such a crucial point. Living within your means is one of the most important concepts to grasp in managing tight finances. First, you must pare down your expenses. If your expenses are bare minimum, then you have to determine if you can cover them with your teaching job. If you can't, then you owe it to your kids to earn more money so they feel secure and stable in their home life. Your husband has madeit clear he won't be of any help in this matter. Don't wait for him to change. The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do what you need to do to provide for your kids. If you have the necessary certifications you could always return to teaching once your situation stabilizes. Your kids are worth the sacrifice.

I feel for you, OP. I'm in a similar situation and it is tough. But numbers don't lie, and changes, however painful, are necessary.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Sokillme is right. Please read her response again and heed her words. You need to re-evaluate because you seem to be accepting of the situation regarding your husband. He's a ne'er-do-well kind of person and a leech. There is nothing to accept about that. And reading between the lines of what you wrote, it seems apparent that you can't depend on him to take care of his children while you are at work. Otherwise, working their school hours wouldn't be a priority for you and the cause of you going into debt. I'm trying hard to see what you find appealing about this man aside from the idealistic view of wanting your marriage to work and wanting your children to have both parents in the same house. But please try to come to terms with that only being idealistic of you because your marriage already is not working if the two of you cannot work together for the sake of the marriage and family. You need to tell him to get a job and keep it or he has to go. And if he doesn't have a job within the month, then pack his bags and say goodbye. The longer you support him, the deeper you get yourself into trouble, and I'm not just talking about the household finances.

Take this advice now so you don't have to pay for it later. And understand that "pay for it" comes in many forms, being the further hurt and pain he is going to undoubtedly cause you, your family, and your finances, and then what follows is the "pay for it" you will have to do when you finally divorce him (or he divorces you) after all the hurt pain he causes you. Being that you are the breadwinner and he's the leech, you will have to pay him child support (google your state's child support calculator to see how much you will be paying him. Whatever state you live in type that into google, such as "Texas child support calculator" or "New York child support calculator." Just substitute your own state name.), and if your state supports alimony, then you will have to pay him spousal support too. So if you think your finances are a shambles now, just wait until you have to lie in this bed you're making for yourself by being complacent rather than proactive. And there will be no doubt of it being your very own fault for not heeding the advice you are given. Being in love and blind, being accepting and idealistic are all tantamount to stupidity and will be very costly in the end.

And in the meanwhile, stop paying for anything that is his. Tell him he has to be responsible for his own phone, car, insurance, etc. And if I were you, I would also tell he will not eat if he can't contribute to the grocery bill, but I don't expect you will go that far. I surely would.

Furthermore, I'm not going to ask you why your husband has lost so many jobs because I don't expect that you know why. I expect you only know what he tells you each time, which is more than likely all lies. I wouldn't doubt that he blames his boss or something like that. Either way, you need to find out for yourself from each former employer. The job probably won't tell you, but you can try to find out in other ways, like talking with former co-workers. It doesn't matter at this point why they fired him, but you do need to do some background checking to see how he has been lying to you. As Sokillme has pointed out in so many words, you are trusting someone who is not worthy of your trust. You should also check his computer browsing history and phone records.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PeachyKeen said:


> Those are great questions. I think that the love that I have for my children outweighs the inconveniences of my marriage and my job, but I have a tough decision to make either way. What’s happening now isn’t working so instead of focusing on my husband’s shortcomings I’m trying to do what’s best for our kids.
> 
> Thanks for your reply!


What's best for your kids, for you......

Is a stable home, no drama.

The bills get paid........ where normal things, necessary things can be purchased and paid for.

Having a 'comfortable' life. 

'Not' no stress, just less stress.

Having a marriage where both partners pull their load, do not add to it. At least not on a regular basis.
Everyone has bad days, bad weeks. 

Where, at the end of the day, both partners fall in bed, then fall into each others arms.
And thank God for life for living.


SunCMars-


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't know your back story. Why has your husband been fired from 5 jobs in 5 years? 

I'm not sure how you manage the dynamics of your marriage, but it seems to me that the only way to survive this is to look at it as being a single parent. Effectively, that is what you are. You cannot depend on him to bring in any income. If he does, that is a bonus, but it shouldn't even factor into your income calculations at all. 

As a single parent, you don't have the luxury of taking a job that you want - you take the job that pays you enough money to survive and pay your bills. You take the highest paying job that you can pull in that also provides the schedule that you need to balance childcare/school for your kids. You sacrifice your own desires and happiness for the good of your children. It sucks, but it is what you have to do. 

Have you looked into debt restructuring or bankruptcy? 

Have you determined whether you are financially eligible for any public assistance programs while you get back on your feet? 



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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Don’t give up teaching to make more money, just don’t. I did just that because I was the only breadwinner and I regret it. And you will too. The time I lost with my kids can’t be made up in any way shape or form. 

Your paycheck is a few hundred dollars short - he can make a few hundred dollars working at McDonalds or a gas station or bagging groceries. Put your foot down. He gets a job, any job, or he gets out. Your bills will be that much less a month if his ass is not part of the deal.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> Don’t give up teaching to make more money, just don’t. I did just that because I was the only breadwinner and I regret it. And you will too. The time I lost with my kids can’t be made up in any way shape or form.
> 
> Your paycheck is a few hundred dollars short - he can make a few hundred dollars working at McDonalds or a gas station or bagging groceries. Put your foot down. He gets a job, any job, or he gets out. Your bills will be that much less a month if his ass is not part of the deal.


I agree with this 100%


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## PeachyKeen (Jan 19, 2014)

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. To answer a few of the questions...

1. If I were not teaching I would pursue a job in HR in the private/corporate sector. I have experience with HR/Org management but in the non-profit sector. The money was great but the travel demand wasn’t ideal for me.

2. I’m not sure why he lost the jobs that he lost. I don’t work with him so I can only go by what he says. It sounds as if he lacks the self-reflection to be honest about what his faults are. It’s everyone else’s fault in his eyes but I know that there must be something deeper. 

3. Although he isn’t currently contributing a great deal financially, he is a great father. He does more than his share of the household work, helps our kids with their homework, gives me time to myself, etc. this is what makes it complicated. What he lacks in money, he makes up for in other areas. But the reality is that we need money to live and being a great parent doesn’t really make up for that.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Reverse the genders and you'd be telling my story. I was a struggling writer and my then wife had a great education, great opportunity, exceptional talent, good skills and no ambition. So, we existed on what I brought in while she diddle-futzed around...no kids, tiny house, and no outside work by the wife. She was happy to watch soap operas and ***** about having to scrimp. 

So, I changed careers, climbed the ladder, made an excellent living doing something I'd have preferred not doing, but was a good dad. And, she *****ed about her plight being relegated to stay at home mom status...as if the hand of God was holding her down. Always someone else's fault.

Honestly, living with her was like taking a daily bath in vinegar.

So, the last kid left for college. The dog died. The cat ran off. And, I divorced her sorry self.

Didn't waste 22 years, but certainly not what I'd have signed up for if I'd known. 

So, now you know.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

PeachyKeen said:


> Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. To answer a few of the questions...
> 
> 1. If I were not teaching I would pursue a job in HR in the private/corporate sector. I have experience with HR/Org management but in the non-profit sector. The money was great but the travel demand wasn’t ideal for me.
> 
> ...


It is fine for him to be a stay at home dad if that works for your family. That means you are the breadwinner though and have to make decisions about your career accordingly. I am not sure what the upward mobility prospects are like where you are now - is your current job something that will give you opportunity for significant raise/promotion in the very near future? 

If you really love your job now, you could always take a second job on nights/weekends to help make ends meet until you get a better salary from your career? (Assuming your husband is handling all of the household and child care.) 

Regarding item no. 2 - it seems odd that he would have such trouble at work, but be a model citizen at home. Do you not see any traits that he exhibits at home that would make it obvious why he can't keep a job? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

PeachyKeen said:


> Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. To answer a few of the questions...
> 
> 1. If I were not teaching I would pursue a job in HR in the private/corporate sector. I have experience with HR/Org management but in the non-profit sector. The money was great but the travel demand wasn’t ideal for me.
> 
> ...


Given that you are not concerned about your husband's contributions in the home, I agree with others that you must find a compromise between having to pay all of the bills and sacrificing your preferred profession and time with your kids. I see no reason why he can't work a job at McDonald's during school hours (while kids are in school and you're teaching) and then be home to contribute in the house when everyone is home - or even working some shifts later in the day too, to bring in whatever money you are short from your paychecks. Just make sure your expenses are at the minimum to support your kids in their schooling and important endeavors.

If your teaching job falls quite short from your bare minimum expenses (and your husband cannot make up the difference with a simple job), then I advocate returning to your previous field in the name of adequately supporting your kids so they don't feel the stress of unmet needs at home - especially if your husband is, as you say, a good father and capable of contributing well in the home. As I said earlier, you can return to teaching when your situation stabilizes, even if that's after your chikdren are supporting themselves.

If you choose to stay married to your husband (despite his inability to support his family), you choose to make some sacrifices yourself, and that includes your career choice if it won't make up for his lack.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

RoseAglow said:


> You know your H is not financially reliable, so don't rely on him. He could/should/blah blah blah. He's NOT, that is the reality that you have to deal with. Be realistic and make your short term (present to 3 years or so) plans, get stable, re-assess as needed but at least a few times a year.


^^^^
Your focus is in the wrong place. You want to know whose fault this is. It's not about fault, it's about responsibility. You are responsible for taking care of yourself and your children. You are not responsible for taking care of your fully functioning husband. If your husband will not keep a job and contribute to the family, you cannot make him. If you want to be able to pay the bills, you need to get a job that will provide that.

Of course we all want to be able to live in the land of unicorns and rainbows, but that's not how life works. We have to face the reality between what we want to do and enjoy doing (teaching in the classroom) or what we need to do to make ends meet (getting a job that pays the bills). You want your husband to contribute to the finances, but he hasn't and clearly you cannot base your life on the fantasy that he is going to contribute financially when he has proven that is not the case.

You can be angry with him, but that's not going to change a thing. Either accept him for who he is (and who he isn't) or divorce him. Living angry and with unfulfilled expectations isn't doing you or anyone else any good.


PeachyKeen said:


> 3. Although he isn’t currently contributing a great deal financially, he is a great father. He does more than his share of the household work, helps our kids with their homework, gives me time to myself, etc. this is what makes it complicated. What he lacks in money, he makes up for in other areas. But the reality is that we need money to live and being a great parent doesn’t really make up for that.


I think you need to recognize that he's not going suddenly start making financial contributions. If you love him and he can be a good sahd, then maybe you should consider going back to HR and your husband can take care of the home front. 

That being said, marriages seldom survive a husband being the stay at home parent. But if you want your marriage to work (it's not right now) and you want to have a financially stable life, it might be your best shot.

What it comes down to is that you can only control yourself. There is no formula for getting your husband to become responsible for keeping a job, but from what you said it looks like he would be fine in managing your home and caring for the children while you work. I'm a sahm and it has worked well for us for over 20 years, but the dynamic is completely different with a woman staying home or a man staying home. Statistics show us that to be the case. It doesn't usually work as well when it's the man at home.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Let's focus on economics for a moment... first identifying the things we can easily touch before we talk about relationship.

Seems money is tight, why is that?

By what means/actions are you spending more than you are bringing in?

Our standards for "comfortable" are an interesting measure these days...


Second... I agree with @CynthiaDe, this is not about fault and is about responsibility/accountability. You are being placed (or placing yourself) in a position of holding your husband accountable for his actions, which you cannot do.

What you can do is hold yourself accountable to your own boundaries.

What are those?

Are they realistic for you?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

...database error message tells me this became a double post.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'd give him an ultimatum. He can get and keep a job or he can look forward to life as a single man. If he doesn't get his act together, divorce him while you are still working as a teacher. Then reassess whether you'd be happier as a single mom on a teacher salary or a single mom earning more money in a more demanding job. Letting him laze around as a leach is just going to make things worse, and worse, and worse until you can't stand it anymore. I have a friend that just finished divorcing a guy like that.


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