# Need unbias opinions, please read....



## Confused71 (Mar 7, 2010)

This is my first time posting ... I need to get some unbias opinions on my situation as it is weird. I have been married for 10 years, with 4 kids ranging from 9years old to 4yrs. My H has always had a temper, with a few "incidents" of pushing and shoving (not me, but his mother). Two years ago we went out to a happy hour and came home around 10:30, all of the kids were up, new bbsitter and testing her. He had a fit and started to go after the kids, well I jumped in the middle and he choked me for a good 10 seconds in front of my oldest two girls (leaving bruises on my neck) he proceeded to rant and rave alot of profanity that I had never heard him say before that hurt me deeply. The next day I had to go to work and he asked me if I was leaving him and to please understand he had been drinking. We had drank before in the past 8 years and nothing like that happened. I forgave him...but said if he ever touches me or the kids again, we are done.
I had issues with this mentally and felt my love for him dwindle, I didn't know what to do and tried to talk to him but got nowhere. This past Halloween we went out again and he hit me in the face while I was driving us home, giving me a bloody lip and proceeded to pull my hair and scream at me.
Now he is telling me that it will never happen again and he was under emotional stress and recognizes his problem. I am not totally detached emotionally from him and resent and soemtimes hate him.
What do I do, I have 4 children that I do not want to put in harms way but at the same time I know that their father loves them. I am so confused as he is telling me that he loves me and will change.
Please comment....thank you so much


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

This is unacceptable behavior, but you already know that. The only thing I am confused about, Confused71 is why you're still staying with him?

Your post describes a classic pattern of escaltion of abuse. How bad do you suppose he'll hurt you next time? Black eye, broken bone, body neatly deposited in a shallow grave? Do you truly care to find out? Can you afford to find out? For the love of God, run woman.

p.s. who the hell pushes and shoves their own mom? Talk about scary, and the mother of all red flags. Yikes!!!

LIL


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Tell him that you require him to go to mental health therapy or you will leave him. If you want, you can get a copy of _How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You_ and read it with him. You might also like _Emotional Intelligence_. But him being in therapy is not up for discussion: he goes to a professional counsellor or you leave him, that's it.

You can't let this situation continue; if he can't get control of himself, it's only going to get worse. Next time it might be one of the children. It won't be good for the kids if he hurts one of them, or if you're in the hospital and he's under arrest.

You might also look in your yellow pages under "Martial Arts", and go take classes in Krav Maga or Aikido or something.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Confused71 said:


> ...What do I do, I have 4 children that I do not want to put in harms way but at the same time I know that their father loves them. I am so confused as he is telling me that he loves me and will change.
> Please comment....thank you so much


Here's what you can do. Ask him TODAY what he is willing to do in order to keep you and the children safe from his physical abuse. Ask what he is willing to do TODAY to address and change his physical abuse issue. If his answer is anything less than that he's willing to move away from you to keep you safe and immediately start specialized therapy for anger management, if I were you I'd begin working on a Safety Plan tonight. 

Confused, you need to be real here. If he had done that to me or some other "stranger" he would be under arrest and in jail for assault right now. So do not minimize it or say it's not what it is: You are married to an abuser. If this ever happens again for any reason (I don't care if he has been drinking or the kids "made him mad" or you did something), call the police immediately because it is assault. 

Next, I would point you to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website. This page is where I always have people start: "Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse." Now in this instance confused, he's also physically abusive but you can learn a lot about abuse in general and the cycle of abuse there. You can read the pages for "The Victim" and if he is sincere he could read the pages for "The Abuser." 

But here's the thing confused. He has to recognize that he has an issue, and he has to be willing to do the work to fix it. Here's what that would look like:

1) He would say that his actions traumatized you and that he was wrong. 

2) He would ask you what you need to heal.

3) He would admit that the issue is HIM (not blame you or the kids) and take personal responsibility.

4) He would look up the therapists on his own. 

5) He would find a way to get to counseling without a reminder or nagging.

6) He would do the homework the counselor gives him willingly--even if it's a little scary. 

So until it looks like *THAT* you are still in the cycle where he will try to win you over with promises ( I call that the "hearts and flowers" part of the cycle of violence). Please protect yourself and start tonight.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

2rr said:


> he should never drink again ( if that was the real reason ). every story has two sides. did you or anybody did *give him a reason for such behavior*? Does he acts like this when no drinks are involved. you should know that words hurt more then physical abuse?
> Maybe he is abusive and you should leave, but for benefits of the doubts you should question yourself first. am i abusive to him ( like not watching my tongue ). *I know that if i do ever get to squeeze her neck one day this will be the reason.*


2rr, you are so completely wrong here. *NO ONE EVER "MAKES" US BEHAVE IN ANY GIVEN WAY* Our behavior is 100% under our own control. When we choose to drink, we are CHOOSING to disinhibit (by knowingly ingesting a substance that will remove some or all of our impulse control). When we touch another person in violence, we are CHOOSING to do so. It is literally impossible to make another person's body do something--no one can "make" your hands go around her neck and squeeze. Every step toward violence is 100% the choice of the abuser, and _it does not matter what the other person has done or said_. 

OP, except for this very wrong response by 2rr, you've gotten great advice. His words mean nothing--it is 100% his action that will tell you if there is any future. Do not continue sharing space with this person or leaving your kids with him. Find your way to safety, FIRST, then have a discussion with him (through a mediator, in a safe setting, whatever, not just the two of you!) about what will happen or needs to happen. You need professional advice and help. The abuser is always sooooooooooo convincing with his promises that it won't happen again--and at that moment, he is sincerely sorry (of course he is; he's gonna lose you and that makes him sorry--for himself, not for you!). 

There are good resources for women in your position. Look for them; use them. He needs help, but you cannot risk your safety and your kids' safety in the meantime. God bless and good luck.


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