# Husband Texts Other Women



## Lizzie1 (Mar 3, 2015)

Hi All,

First time telling my story, but I've been lurking around posts for a while. A little about my relationship:

I'm 33 and my husband is 29 soon to be 30. We have been married for four years. We have a three year old and a newborn. We met through mutual friends and we were always together after we met. When I met him, I was going through a nasty divorce from an abusive ex husband who had put me through a two year divorce ordeal. I had totally reinvented myself through those two years by focusing on self care, getting therapy, and getting fit. My husband really supported me emotionally through my recovery about a year into this process. He is so funny and always found a way to cheer me up when I was feeling down. He encouraged me to continue my therapy and when we became romantically involved, said we should take it slow so I had time to focus on myself. 

Anyway, a year after my divorce was finalized we got married. We have no issues with extended family (both sets of parents very supportive) and we generally got along well with each other's friend groups. We both work, and while I do the majority of house work, that was agreed to (I have standards that he just doesn't meet so it's only fair I do those tasks myself!)

So I entered this marriage thinking it was perfect. Granted, we did fight the first few months about silly things that are easily negotiated, and because of my therapy, I had learned some useful techniques for talking through issues. However, three months in a learned a dark secret my husband had.

My husband has a very boring job in an office that pays well, but he has lots of free time on his hands during certain times he works (other times he goes non stop). Before my husband met me, he would text and chat online to lots of women, and whoever was online they would chat. He had many of what I will call emotional relationships with these women. When we married, my husband said nothing of all this. He had said he had relationships with other women, but that nothing had worked out. I'm a trusting person and I like to see the best in people, so nothing he said made me suspicious. 

Once we had been married three months, I noticed that he was texting on his phone a lot when he would get home. We would be watching a movie and he would still text. We would be sitting a cafe and unlike before, he would text and not listen to me. I did ask, what is so important? He would apologize and say it was work and stop texting. After a few weeks of this same behavior, I was starting to feel like maybe he was withholding information from me. And then one night I woke up and he wasn't in bed. I got up and walked into the living room. He was sitting with his laptop in the dark. I asked what was wrong. He said he couldn't sleep so he came out to play a card game. He was playing so I thought maybe he is telling the truth, but there was this gut feeling something is off. So the next day while he was at work I got out his laptop. It didn't have a password so I thought I will just see the browser history. 

What I found devastated me. Not only was he texting on chat platform that night before, he had been doing it every night while I slept! He had at least 50 other women he was talking to, some about sex, but mostly he was talking to them about themselves, their day, but somewhat flirty. 

I immediately confronted him when he got home. He told me yes, he had a problem with it and it was an old habit. He said he needed to stop and that he would do whatever he could to fix it. So I was happy he hadn't blamed me (learned that is a bad sign in therapy) and that he had acknowledged his problem. So we set up a system of accountability where I had access to his laptop and phone and because a close friend of mine from college is tech savvy, I knew if he was erasing or not (this part he didn't know because I wanted to see if he would try).

Anyway, around this time 2 big life events, unplanned, happened. I got pregnant, and my husbands job moved him away by three hours flight. I could not move with him at that time because we had made some extended family commitments in caring for an elderly relative and one of us needed to stay. He was away for only 9 months and then able to transfer back. During the 9 months, my entire pregnancy plus the birth of our son (he was there, but only for the delivery and the next day) we kept our system going. However, when you aren't living with someone, you don't see what they are doing or where they are going. 

While I was pregnant with our first child my husband started an emotional affair with a woman. I'm calling this an affair and not the others because of a few key differences. They spoke everyday for hours. They didn't text chat, they called and video chatted. After knowing each other two months, he started telling her how he felt trapped in a loveless marriage, that he loved her and not me, and that he wanted to ask me for a divorce but he was scared. 

I found this out after I visited him one weekend and discovered he had another laptop. I didn't confront him while pregnant. Why? Because I didn't know if I could handle it and I didn't want the stress getting to my baby. So I refocused on myself and my baby until after my son was about 6 months old. Why did I let the affair continue. Because a part of me knew that our relationship, if salvageable would never be the same regardless of when that affair ended, and I thought my son was more important. To this day I do not regret waiting.

When I did tell my husband that I knew about this woman, he did not deny it. In fact, he told me that it was true he didn't love me, that he had been mistaken in marrying me, and that he was scared to hurt me because I'm such a good person. This statement made me furious. If I'm so good, why did you cheat like this?

I told my husband that if he wanted a divorce, he should get one, but that I was willing to work it out if he genuinely wanted to. At first, he said he was leaving me. This lasted all of a month. I had already consulted an attorney and started making plans. I had entered therapy again because I was starting to blame myself even though I hadn't done anything wrong. Then out of the blue my husband contacts me and begs me to stop. He wanted to try to make it better. I asked about his girlfriend. He said they had ended it and sent me screen shots to prove it. I didn't trust him, so I told him he would have to earn back my trust again. 

He did a complete 180. And folks, I am not kidding. He was really good to me. He has always been a good and loving father, but he really started to show that he felt he had made a mistake by taking me for granted. I was impressed and genuinely wanted it to work out, so I let him move back home.

After our son turned two, things were going so well that I asked him if we should have another child. He was happy about it and we had some really great sex and a general romantic awakening. We were happy and I was forgetting about the past, building trust and moving forward.

During my recent pregnancy, I was feeling unattractive and that little voice in my head said I should check his electronics. So I looked through his phone. I wasn't expecting to find anything and at first I was pleased. Then I noticed a nude pic of a woman that definitely wasn't me. So I checked where the photo originated. He had erased the history of his whatsapp. So now my alarm bells are going off. I asked him about it. He fessed up that he was lonely and not attracted to me while I'm pregnant. Ok, I get that, but you don't have any self control. Any. At all?! I was so angry. It was happening all over again. And what's worse, I was regretting believing him, the trust was destroyed, regretting my pregnancy. Generally infuriated.

So I saw my therapist this last week. Now that my newborn is here, I've been sleep deprived and a little depressed, but trying to keep a smile for my older son. My therapist said that I should bring my husband to a session. However, I don't want to. My therapy sessions are my only safe place. I don't want my husbands energy in the room. Right now, I'm so angry and so hurt from him that I can't stand him. He has continued talking with women now like before, and I stopped confronting him. Any time I bring up being upset about it, he says it's no big deal now. He carries on as if it's ok. As if I should just ignore this and be happy with what we have. I love my kids, and I loved my husband, but I'm so hurt and angry that I think I've reached my breaking point. He clearly had no desire to change this, and I'm not willing to accept it. But as I told my therapist, I am so ashamed. I'm ashamed to get divorced again. I feel like it must be me because I've failed twice. I'm too embarrassed to even share any of this with my friends. And I feel selfish that my children won't grow up with both parents in one household. I grew up in a divorced home and always wanted it to be different for my kids.

But on the flip side, I won't be happy when my spouse isn't capable of faithfulness. I know the right thing in the end, for my peace of mind, is to move on, but I just need others to say this is ok. My therapist said using this forum might help, so just if anybody has an opinion or questions about my situation, joule appreciate the thoughts and support. Thank you. and sorry it's so lengthy!!!!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

gtfo


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You husband needs his ass kicked to the curb.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Lizzie, this totally sucks. I am so sorry. Sometimes people do turn things around but it sounds like your husband failed again.

For what it's worth, as disgusting as it is, I've read that pregnancy is a time when many men cheat. This is one of those times when it really isn't you, it IS him. 

It is OK to move on. You've already forgiven him once and he has screwed up. Not only has he screwed up- again!- but he doesn't care about it. He is just to going to keep on doing whatever he wants.

When a person is willing to continually hurt you, it is time to leave. It will eat at you and it will cause you increasingly more mental and emotional harm, which is likely to cause physical illness. Staying in that situation will lessen your ability to be a good Mom to your kids. 

I am so sorry. Please do reach out to your friends. It is not your fault that your husband has made these decisions, especially when you're pregnant! He has been unfaithful during BOTH of your pregnancies. 

Hang in there. It's not your fault. Do what you need to do to keep yourself OK. Your kids need you to be clear and healthy and functioning. It is better to leave now, when they are young, before your kids have years of family traditions to lose. It sucks no matter what, but it sucks less this way.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It's okay to move on. 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not your fault.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to be done. Period. You were good enough to give him another chance and he betrayed you again. Dont give him the chance to do it again, because as Im sure you know, he WILL keep doing this. I am so sorry you are dealing with this!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry you're here. You really have your head on straight. You're doing the hard work in therapy, you're listening to the red flags (ok, they're not red flags, they're huge sirens screaming NO NO NO). Don't let your cheater H undo all of your hard work. 

DTMFA.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your situation that caused you to have to divorce your second husband is in no way shape, or form your fault at all. It's a shame that sometimes people aren't honest with each other and end up having dark secrets they keep from each other. My wife did somewhat the same thing where she kept from me how she wanted things to be until after we got married. Then I found out things about her that would have caused me to break it off with her. Since then I have felt I really can't trust her. You really can't have a marriage under those circumstances.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He is a serial cheater. His mind is constantly on whichever attractive woman he can lure in next.

This behavior of his is addictive and an addiction is hard enough to break when one actually WANTS the break it. He doesn't. He will cheat on every woman he has a relationship with.
It has nothing to do with you/-- it's hus crazy addiction to women and attention.

I honestly don't think you have a choice other than divorce him. He said he didn't love you once. He's shown you twice.

He's not gonna change. Cheaters never do.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Some cheaters might change, depends on circumstance maybe. Stupid things can happen.

But your husband is making stupid things happen, and wants it to happen. I sure don't think he is ever going to change. You certainly do deserve better.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

First of all, I like your angry emotie, because you should be mad!

Second, you are right and all the posters are right. He's got a big problem.
kudos to you also for delaying dealing with this for the sake of the baby.

you cannot, should not, and hopefully will not tolerate his immature back and forth behavior.

he's not ready for marriage.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Does he provide well for the family?

If yes, I suggest you stay with him. At least until your youngest child is around 3 years old. It is easier for you later when you're a single mum.

In the mean time, save money, prepare forghe future: earn money, make good friends, reach out to family and relatives, and take care of yourself...make it easier for you to find new love in the future.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Personally, I can't see how she can stand to spend one more day with that sniveling monster who says he can get online with other women and tough on her.

Her happiness is too important to put on the back burner for one more day. Screw financial security. That's the excuse so many women used to stay in bad marriages for so long it was pathetic. 3 years? Why not another year, then? Or another?

If it was me, it wouldn't be another damned minute, if my wife told me she was online with other guys and she didn't care about me. I would hope ever woman would be respectful enough to herself to walk out right then, and end it.

Oh well.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Happykat said:


> It is easier for you later when you're a single mum.
> 
> In the mean time, save money, prepare forghe future: earn money, make good friends, reach out to family and relatives, and take care of yourself...make it easier for you to find new love in the future.


You can do all of this and divorce him. This is the second time, don't give him a third fourth fifth etc. time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lizzie1,

I'm sorry you are going through this and am sure that it is very hard to deal with.

You say that you are embarrassed so you won't talk to friends and family. Please know that they love you enough and so this won't matter to them. What will matter is that they want you be whole and have a good life. You cannot have a good life with someone who is doing what your husband is doing.

Please find one person, just one right now--be it family or friend who you trust and you know will support you. And tell that person what is going on. Ask them for help. It will be a lot easier to reach out if it's only one person right now. Once you feel stronger you can reach out to others. You do need to build a support system, so start with one.

There is no shame in divorce. The same would be if you stayed with him just to save face with the people who know you. You are clearly a strong woman, you will be fine. Your children will be fine too because they have you.

My bet is that your husband probably feels like he now has you trapped and so you cannot leave. He probably thinks that he can now do whatever he want. He'll find out his miscalculation on that soon enough when you do leave.

Do you have a job?

You need to see a lawyer as soon as possible to get the ball rolling on a divorce. Were I you, I would not tell him in advance. Just have him served while he's at work. That way you won't have to deal with it. Talk to your lawyer to see if there is any way to get a court order not allowing him to live in the home you live in during the divorce. Perhaps his cheating can be used to justify it.

Have you considered that there is a chance that he has being meeting women in person for sex? You probably should get an STD test and then refuse any further sex with him. In some states, where infidelity can be used for an at fault divorce, having sex with cheating spouse is considered you forgiving them. So then the cheating cannot be used as fault for the divorce. (I don't know about your state.)


ETA: the idea that you should stay with a cheating husband for 3 years is just not bad advice. You can get the support your need during the divorce and be rid of his cheating behind.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Thank you. Excellent.

Yes, don't let him have sex with you again. That's for sure.

He does not deserve it! Besides other issues.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How are you doing financially? Has he been a good provider and a good father to your children? If he has, he will probably continue to take care of his kids if you divorce him. If he isn't good about taking care of you guys financially, then you need to get to a place where you can take care of yourself and your kids on your own. 

The answers to the above issues will help you figure out if you need to stay there living with him until you are ready to leave him or file ASAP. Hopefully he is just not marriage material but is indeed a good father and provider. If he is a good dad, then divorce and co parent your kids. They deserve a relationship with a loving, giving and responsible dad.

Do not stay married to this man by giving him another chance. He is not husband material and this is in no way your fault. He is who he is and will not change.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I hope she comes back..!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lizzie1 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> First time telling my story, but I've been lurking around posts for a while. A little about my relationship:
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but your WH is a serial cheater who doesn't give a **** about you as his wife or mother of his kids. Do not tie yourself to this man any longer, go see the lawyer and proceed with the papers as before. There is nothing to salvage here, in the past he acted like it was wrong, now he is expecting you to put up and shut up because he thinks you are tied with two kids, show him he is wrong. 
You made a grave mistake in hiding this from your family and friends the last time, this time tell them and expose him for what he is, this is not your shame but his. Then give him the divorce papers.

he may or may not have a come to Jesus moment, sounds like he is addicted to cheating. He has to sort himself out that is not on you. Dont bring your kids up in a home with a miserable mother.


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## Lizzie1 (Mar 3, 2015)

Hi All,

Thank you for all the kind replies. 

I have a good job and I can support my children without him. My mom made sure that I went to college because like me, she had a string of bad marriages and she wanted me to be able to support myself and not be tied to the wrong man.

I agree with you all that I shouldn't be ashamed. I know that it's not my fault, but how do you cope with these thoughts of inadequacy? Like I'm not perfect. I am not a very good cook, and it's something I plan on improving but I haven't had time because of my children and my job balance. I'm trying to remember that I haven't changed since I met him and I didn't lie about who I was, but still I keep blaming myself. I think I will need to talk more about this in therapy next week, as it makes me consider staying some days.

I also struggle because like today, he got home from work and took us out to shop and eat and we all had a great time. We were so happy, and then we get home and he goes into the office and sits on his computer while I am feeding the baby and getting the toddler ready for bed. I just got infuriated again. It's like he is half committed. He is in for the good time, but not willing to give up what he likes for us. Like I'm not worth it. 

Uh, I'm going in circles again. Thanks for all the advice and kind words. I think I will talk to one of my close friends this week. She has been a good support in the past and always keeps an open mind.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Lizzie1 said:


> I also struggle because like today, he got home from work and took us out to shop and eat and we all had a great time. We were so happy, and then we get home and he goes into the office and sits on his computer while I am feeding the baby and getting the toddler ready for bed. I just got infuriated again. It's like he is half committed. He is in for the good time, but not willing to give up what he likes for us. Like I'm not worth it.
> 
> Uh, I'm going in circles again. Thanks for all the advice and kind words. I think I will talk to one of my close friends this week. She has been a good support in the past and always keeps an open mind.


Like many wayward spouses, your husband is "cake eating". He enjoys it and sees no reason to change. It really is no big deal to him. He has everything he needs- he is married to a good woman, has two kids, gets the societal respect of being a married man with a family, and meanwhile he gets the attention and whatever else he needs on the side. This is a perfect set up for him.

It really has nothing to do with your worth. It is all about him. He cares about himself and isn't concerned about you. That is a major character defect in him, it does not say anything about you at all! Who does this? If you were so bad, he would actually leave! But you aren't bad- you're great, and that is why he is staying. That is why he begged to have you back, and why he is making no moves to leave now. 

He doesn't care that his actions hurt you. He wouldn't care even if you were like Julia Childs in the kitchen! You meet the needs he wants you to meet just fine and that is why he wants to keep you and the family. He likes to get outside attention as well because that is what is what he likes. He is a man who just cares about his own needs. 

I'm so glad to hear that you have a good job and can support yourself and your kids! This will make it so much easier for you. It will kill you emotionally and very likely lead to physical ailments if you stay there and see him cheating night after night. People can't do it for the long-term without serious consequences to their health. 

Sending hugs!


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