# Ever won a fight?



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Every close personal relationship runs into conflict sooner or later. No two people on earth are exactly alike, and therefore it is unrealistic to expect that you will never have a disagreement with your spouse. 

However, disagreements do not have to be fights.

An argument happens when one person is trying to convince another to believe, see, feel, do, or behave the way that they themselves do, and are refusing to accept that there could be other options. 

When two people argue, they are both attempting to force the other participant to give up their own point of view, and adopt another one. You want your spouse to see things the way you see them and come to the same conclusions. 

My wife and I have been married many years now. I can honestly say that we have had an argument about every possible subject. I am sure that we argued about the same things that most married couples argue about? 

If you think back to arguments that you have had over the course of your married life, how many of them did you walk away from feeling that you had won? How many times did you come away from an argument feeling good? 

Over the course of your marriage, how many times did you successfully win your spouse over? How many times did you actually change their way of thinking, feeling, doing, or behaving? How many times did you feel that something meaningful had been accomplished in this fight? 

I don’t know about you, but I can say in all honesty that for my wife and I both, the answer is NEVER. 

Every single argument we have ever had, ended the same way. 

Nothing was resolved; neither of us was persuaded to change our minds, or our feelings. Nobody won. 

We may have modified our behaviors to avoid the same argument in the future, but the only thing that was actually accomplished in the fight was a buildup of additional anger and resentment. 

The really odd thing about arguments is that most adults know this to be absolutely true. We know that fights do not accomplish anything good, yet we indulge ourselves in them anyway. We do it on principal. 

It feels right in the moment, even if we know that it will not lead anywhere good. 

It seems to me that there is absolutely nothing beneficial to an argument that could not have been otherwise solved through open, honest, communication.

A simple acceptance of another person’s views, and way of doing things, will clearly go a long way in avoiding unnecessary arguments. 

The anger, hurt, mistrust, and resentment that always follows, can be one of the biggest marriage and sex busters that a couple can experience. 

As I said earlier, disagreements are inevitable, but arguments should be avoided. So why is it that men and women so easily fall into the trap and end up fighting over things that are really not worth all the anger? 

Men and women do not approach discussions the same way, and this can cause immense frustration for both husband and wife which causes the discussion to evolve into an argument. 

A while back, while driving to an appointment, I saw a billboard that made me smile. It was posted in front of a church and read “Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.” 

This difference may not seem important at first glance, but it can be very frustrating for both parties.

Husband and wife are disagreeing on an issue. They both lay out their point of view. After about twenty minutes one spouse decides that this discussion is not going anywhere. It is not going to be resolved right now, so they try to end it. They tell their spouse that there is no point discussing this any further. And try to walk away. 

The other spouse is not ready to end the discussion. They feel that their loved one does not really understand their point of view. They have not been listening too. They may be fine with the idea that no decision will be made at this point, but they are not going to let it go until they are certain that their feelings have been acknowledged and understood. When their spouse starts to walk away, they get more upset and follow them. 

They go from room to room with both of them getting increasingly upset. One does not understand why the other will not let it go, and one does not understand why they are not being heard out properly. Eventually someone says something hurtful and the argument escalates until there has been so much damage that it finally comes to a grinding halt. 

It is very frustrating when your spouse cuts off a discussion and walks away. It feels like abandonment and a rejection of your thoughts and feelings. This may not be the case. 

They are not necessarily rejecting you when they walk away. They may just be silently admitting that they cannot win the argument at this time, and want to establish space to think before addressing the subject again. There are many times when it is better for both, to simply allow that space.

The worst thing to do is to go after them and try to force them to continue the discussion. That will just irritate them and make them feel trapped. The longer this goes on, the more likely it is that someone will say or does something hurtful in order you make you go away. They may not even mean what they say, but they really want to be alone to think. 

You have to trust that most people do not walk away from an argument and stop thinking about it. Even if they go to the gym or turn on the TV, they are still thinking about it. If this person is left alone for a while, they should eventually work through the things that were said and come back to address them. 

Of course, there is a limit to how long a person should wait. If the issue has not been brought up within a day or two then go ahead a broach the subject, but don’t do it with your arms crossed, and an angry look on your face. That kind of confrontational approach will put him on the defensive and you are right back into another argument. 

Also keep this in mind. Anger has a way of clouding any situation. 

You get so caught up in being angry that you lose sight of what the argument was about in the first place. Anger does not solve things. It is tempting to want to get angry as a way of showing your spouse how strongly you feel on a subject. However, they will probably just respond to your anger with anger of their own. 

If you find that a discussion is turning into an argument, and your spouse is getting angry, the best thing to do is just stay calm. Keep your voice neutral and stick to the facts. It only takes a couple of minutes for an angry person to feel foolish when the other party is not rising to the bait. If a spouse insists on being upset even though you are calm, just end the discussion for now. Tell them that you wish to discuss it again later, once the emotions have had time to settle.

If you have feelings that you want your spouse to understand, try expressing them instead of just showing them. Tell them that what they are expressing makes you upset and why. They won’t like it, but they may remember it.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You make it sound very simple it rarely is. What if your wife tells you to do something and you dont want to. Any suggestions. You can give reasons forever and she wont understand. The real answer is that a wife has to get used to the idea that she doesnt get or need reasons for all my actions or inactions. One shouldnt have to explain everything. My wife told me to go to someone for something. I had had an argument with him. Must I tell her that. Its always best not to mix your wife in.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

accept said:


> You make it sound very simple it rarely is.


Simple, It is. Easy, it's NOT!

If two people cannot find a way to express their issues without "fighting", then they get what they asked for!




> What if your wife tells you to do something and you dont want to. Any suggestions.


"Honey, you don't appriciate being "told" what to do. In fact, you resent it. I am no different than you. When your ready to "ask" me, I will consider your thoughts and let you know my feelings about it. From there, we can determine what works best for BOTH of us."

I expect nothing more, than I am willing to give.


Again, “Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We've never had a fight. Not in the way most people fight.

We allow each other our own opinion and don't get offended by it or try to change each others minds.

Even when he left for those three months, we never fought. We had a lot of talks, but not fights. I don't think we've ever even yelled at each other. 

There's no point in fighting. Disagreeing is part of being human. We both come into this marriage with different pasts, experiences, etc. We are not so stuck in our ways that we get offended if the other doesn't agree with us. most of the time, if we disagree with the other, our discussions lead to some enlightenment as to WHY the person thinks that way.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

accept said:


> You make it sound very simple it rarely is. What if your wife tells you to do something and you dont want to. Any suggestions. You can give reasons forever and she wont understand. The real answer is that a wife has to get used to the idea that she doesnt get or need reasons for all my actions or inactions. One shouldnt have to explain everything. My wife told me to go to someone for something. I had had an argument with him. Must I tell her that. Its always best not to mix your wife in.


I think the first issue here would be the word tell. I know my husband and I both react better if we're asked to do something rather than told to. 
I do disagree with your feeling that you shouldn't have to give your wife a reason why you don't want to do what she asked you to do. That seems childish to me if it's a reasonable request on her part. In the case of her wanting you to use someone you'd had an argument with I don't think it'd kill you to say "I'd rather not, I don't care for him." and if she pushes just tell her you'd rather not get into it, you just don't like him. 
We try to do what the other asks whenever possible, and when we can't or won't because we disagree we tell each other why. We don't always end up agreeing, but that's part of marriage and we move on.


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

It's like you were on the train with me and my wife today. We had the same discussion about learning to pause and let the emotional level go down. We have not been able to accomplish this in over eight years because she insists on continuing the argument. Today's fvcking stupid argument was about hoovering -- when to and how to in the cleaning process. One guess as to who was doing it incorrectly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

One of the recent examples of a dispute that she gave in MC was much easier for me to see now than it was at the time. I think it is true for us men brought up to hide our emotions, not to admit that what just happened hurt us, and I believe she does not believe a guy like me should have feelings. This is very clear from what she has said.

The question is, as a man, do I hide my true feelings, knowing she will not ackowledge them? I think not, but maybe this is one of those fitness tests I have read about. Should I laugh it off an not be so sensative? Easier said than done, when the issue is a repeating one.

The simple answer seems to me, is that both sides need to validate each other. Most of us know about validating and agree to disagree.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

RDJ,

My husband are very close in personalities and are both very laid back. We easily communicate and compromise. In the last 13 years, we have never been in a real fight or argument. We get along extremely well, even if one of us is in a bad mood.

When we took the 4-5 page marriage test from the church, the pastor put us in separate rooms. When he reviewed the tests, he thought we cheated.LOL. Every single answer we put down was the same. He said in the 20 years of being a pastor, he had never seen this.

We are best of friends literally! We talk to each other through out his workday and take time at night to talk while we snuggle. Even when he's super busy at work, he'll make a quick call to say hi. We are truly very much the same people. I've never in my life seen anyone quite like us. My first marriage was horrid. I married an abusive man and we fought daily. I went from one extreme to the next.

My husband has always put my needs before his, and I now do the same. Our love is growing stronger as time goes on. I do give him all the space he needs. We support each other in everything we do. He makes sure through out the night to see if there is something he can do or get to make me feel more comfortable ever since I broke my neck 3.5 years ago. We tell each other daily that we love each other.

I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have him as my husband. He is a fantastic father! I let him know in letters and in email how much I appreciate all he does for me. I write him corny poems here and there saying how lucky I am to be his wife.

If you ever met us in person, you would know we have a fabulous marriage. We both have 100% transparency. Our communication and comprising skills are very good. We do our best to keep each other happy.

Our children must pick up on it too, they very rarely argue with one another. The two youngest(8 & 10) are the best of friends and always have been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I love this topic. If something is really, really big my W understands and accepts that it upsets me. Otherwise she reacts very badly to me being "sensitive".

I have learned that using humor, teasing her for being mean/unfair works best. Second best is a pure (silent) body language response. Third is a low affect brief comment about her behavior not being ok. 

The more visibly angry I am the higher the risk that she escalates. 

As for the OP, there are plenty of times where we have a fight and one of us realizes we were wrong and come and apologize. It is very rare that we both insist we were right.




=This is me;529887]One of the recent examples of a dispute that she gave in MC was much easier for me to see now than it was at the time. I think it is true for us men brought up to hide our emotions, not to admit that what just happened hurt us, and I believe she does not believe a guy like me should have feelings. This is very clear from what she has said.

The question is, as a man, do I hide my true feelings, knowing she will not ackowledge them? I think not, but maybe this is one of those fitness tests I have read about. Should I laugh it off an not be so sensative? Easier said than done, when the issue is a repeating one.

The simple answer seems to me, is that both sides need to validate each other. Most of us know about validating and agree to disagree.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

In my marriage h always thinks he's right and Im always wrong. That's one reason we are in the situation we are in now. Love the post.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you mean you don't try everything in your power to prove your right and then jump around screamimng I was right I was right you were wrongggggggggg.

just joking your post is spot on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men are defective wives to be corrected or destroyed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We had a ROYAL MOMENT yesterday. I've been unwell for the last few weeks, had my mother staying with us (haven't seen her in a year, love her to bits, but she unintentionally tests the patience), I've had some work issues, and dealing with strained family relationships. All of that combined meant that after she left, I told hubs I was absolutely exhausted. I was completely tapped of energy and falling asleep in the car on the way home. We had some chores to take care of including dinner. He was trying to encourage us to do everything together, so it would be easier on us both. The theory was there but I was just too worn out. I said I'd make dinner while he walked the dog and then see where we were at afterwards. He saw this as me not contributing as much as I could. I wasn't meeting his expectations. I was dumbfounded and upset by this. We don't shout at each other but yesterday I ended up sobbing and completely broken down. 

I told him I couldn't take it, this expectation he had of me. He said a few things that I agreed with, for a normal day, but not in that moment. I told him when I say I'm tapped of energy, he needs to respect it. He apologized for pushing me and I apologized for something I'd said. I explained everything I'd been through the last few weeks - including earlier that day of having an emotional lunch with my mom, funnily enough, whereby I was talking about how our family handles (or rather, my view that we don't healthily handle) conflict. There was more stuff behind the scenes, that he was unaware of. 

It was an awful moment of breaking down. I'm not usually the crying type. This morning he let me sleep in and gave me a "recovering" day lol which I thanked him for. He didn't realize how much emotional stress I've felt over the last few weeks. I'd planned on catching him up with details over dinner. I couldn't in the car because I was too tired and hungry. It's somewhat new to him to express certain things to me too, he's on his own journey of changing his behavior, I get that. I know he felt justified in his expectation and communication to me - but I think he underestimated that I'm only human and if I tell him "I'm tapped of energy" that literally means I am. 

He's used to seeing me stronger than this. I don't seem to have that old strength about me lately. We tried to contain our moment to what was happening but it did expand slightly. As we talked through it, we both felt more sensitive and understanding to each other. Funnily enough, our lessons/behavior are similar just in different ways. 

I'm not sure I even have a point but it was good to read this thread. I'm feeling my way through boundaries and conflict and acceptance and these types of themes lately. And despite this post, it's not so much with my husband, but still ....these are things I need to focus on and learn. Especially with "letting the cards fall" as SA once wrote.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I actually disagree with your perspective on arguments. I think people don't want their spouse to agree with them. I think people want to feel UNDERSTOOD. When a spouse invalidates your reality, that is what causes fighting. My husband doesn't have to agree with me, I just want him to understand where I am coming from. When a spouse has the desire to understand their partner, that strengthens the marriage. 

So we don't win or lose diagreements in our marriage. We focus on understanding what the other person is thinking/feeling. When we fight, it is because our own baggage gets in the way of that....but eventually we come to a place of understanding.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I actually disagree with your perspective on arguments. I think people don't want their spouse to agree with them. I think people want to feel UNDERSTOOD. When a spouse invalidates your reality, that is what causes fighting. My husband doesn't have to agree with me, I just want him to understand where I am coming from. When a spouse has the desire to understand their partner, that strengthens the marriage.
> 
> So we don't win or lose diagreements in our marriage. We focus on understanding what the other person is thinking/feeling. When we fight, it is because our own baggage gets in the way of that....but eventually we come to a place of understanding.


Just to clarify,

Construtive arguements, disagreements, conflict, even heated debate, all good and healthy for a marriage.

They define boundaries.

Fighting is when yelling, name calling, putting each other down on a personal basis, degrading, belittling, and just being a stuborn a$$, is never acceptable.

Not beneficial to anyone. That was the point I was trying to make.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RDJ said:


> I don’t know about you, but I can say in all honesty that for my wife and I both, the answer is NEVER.
> 
> Every single argument we have ever had, ended the same way.
> 
> ...


 I stopped right here, this is NOT true of me & my husband. 

Oh no, in fact, the majority of time we have a fight or argument of some sort, we learn something new, some little insight that helps us on our way, we go very very deep when we talk...and yeah sometimes there is an inital fight -led my yours truly!!  I pick his brain, he doesn't seem to mind - I say this man is my perfect match. We always come away forgiving with a new insight into something. 

I may start an argument over something nagging at me, like once I thought he was loosing his desire for oral sex, he just seemed to be shying away from that, well I had to DRAG it out of him....leave it to me - I could FEEL something was off and I am going to learn why. I had to dig & prod....Well.... I tasted bad down there!! He says how was he going to tell me that !! And I let him know I was THRILLED to hear that --because that was a Hell of a site better than me thinking he is loosing desre for me. Dagone him, why can't he say what is on his mind, I can handle it ! Here I was taking Fish oil every darn day, when I stopped, this went away -problem solved, back enjoying eating at the Y ....if I didn't cause a battle over this, would it have ever been resolved ?! 

There have been other things , I probably have them all written in my journal accually.... but I am dead serious, nearly every fight we have (not many mind you) ends up with a clearer & deeper understanding of something .....for us, for me... even for him at times. 

Geneally these are really funny... a couple weeks ago .... I started a little fight over his not being as Frisky as me (what else is new)....tired of reading about all these men in overdrive on this forum. He said to me " I wish I was still in overdrive, that part of the transmission went out". Ok , that's cute, then Pms a few days later, and that played on my mind -feeling bad his overdrive is gone, done, he is an old man .... so I started a little stink about that, telling him he needs a new Transmission ... after we had a little arguement over him always being so darn tired , he thinks I never sleep. Again, silly stuff. But we avoided each other for about a half an hour -then he comes after me, gets on top of me , pours his living heart out to me, saying he doesn't want to hurt me , I am his everything, then I say "but do you have a sex drive"? and he starts :rofl:, then I am laughing.... 

THen later that night he said to me'..."look at it as a manual transmisson & you shift me into gears "...... Well isn't it amazing how this little analogy of his helped me see this in a better light somehow, that I have the power to take his gearshift and get him into overdrive. He still has overdrive !! So overall, that little fight led to a better undersanding and a darn funny analogy to boot. 

Some of our funnniest moments ever -have been in the midst of a fight. 



> It seems to me that there is absolutely nothing beneficial to an argument that could not have been otherwise solved through open, honest, communication.


Yes there is ...HOT passionate make up sex ! I really do not feel I could be married to someone who excpected me to be calm all the time. THe only GOOD thing about us is ...our fights are generally halarious, they are rarely serious, and even if we THINK they are at the time (which we have, I have broke down in PMS, I have even got him near crying) ... we can still laugh about afterwards and never relive those or hold them against each other. 

My husband has accused me of fighting -just to have make up sex. I'd say this is half true. The other half is generally to get to some understanding that is alluding me , where we are missing each other. The deeper we go -it seems the closer we are, so I do not regret our arguements and silly fights. 

Maybe we sound like we are not healthy, me saying all of this ...but really we are. I guess it needs to be defined what one means by FIGHTING. With our fights, we never leave each other, we talk it out until it is done, we never go to sleep on our anger, and 99.9% of the time there is glorious make up sex, I once recall it being so strong, I needed him like freaking air , I almost wanted to revisit that again. I can only recall once where we didn't, that was a long long night for me and I was very irritated in the morning when he left for work. But we made up totally when he got home, he is dragging, worthless when we are at odds with each other, me also. 





> * Laurae1967 : *I actually disagree with your perspective on arguments. I think people don't want their spouse to agree with them. I think people want to feel UNDERSTOOD. When a spouse invalidates your reality, that is what causes fighting. My husband doesn't have to agree with me, I just want him to understand where I am coming from. When a spouse has the desire to understand their partner, that strengthens the marriage.
> 
> So we don't win or lose diagreements in our marriage. We focus on understanding what the other person is thinking/feeling. When we fight, it is because our own baggage gets in the way of that....but eventually we come to a place of understanding.


 Love this , I so much agree here . 



> The anger, hurt, mistrust, and resentment that always follows, can be one of the biggest marriage and sex busters that a couple can experience.


 See, here is the thing...I agree if it is not truly resolved. Deep abiding honest resolution MUST be had . 



> It is very frustrating when your spouse cuts off a discussion and walks away. It feels like abandonment and a rejection of your thoughts and feelings. This may not be the case.
> 
> They are not necessarily rejecting you when they walk away. They may just be silently admitting that they cannot win the argument at this time, and want to establish space to think before addressing the subject again. There are many times when it is better for both, to simply allow that space.


 I have no doubt this is true in most marraiges, but we are not like this. Me & my husband are totally miserable when something is not resolved, it is so bad, we literally can't stay away from each other. We have both talked about this, he knows I LOVE him coming back to me, if he walks out and I know he loves when I come after him, so the cat is out of the bag anyway, sometimes we fight, then when the other comes back maybe a half an hour later, we can't help but have a smirky smile when the other opens that door, and humbles themselves, generally it is me -cause I start the things. He loves the humilty. 



> The longer this goes on, the more likely it is that someone will say or does something hurtful in order you make you go away. They may not even mean what they say


 And this is the obvious thing, we DO say stupid things in the heat of the moment, but then we apologize for them, and express why we said such stupid things. All in all, this is about the heart and allowing ourselves to have weak moments, even angry moments. Neither of us expect the other to not have such moments, I guess we even want to share these together! 

I have a GF who never says anything bad out of her mouth, she is an avoider, that way she never has to say she is sorry, she has told me this, she doesn't like arguing - well guess what.... she is passive aggressive, her & husband did silent treatments going on a month, she cuts friends off like the plague if they do something to hurt her, she tried this with me once, and I called her out.. ... She was not going to let me go that darn easy.....we were going to talk it out.... she counts ME the best friend she ever had for pushing her to Let it out- and learn to forgive, some of us are worthy of it, even in friendship -when we said/did certain things in a bad moment, cracking open the HEART of why we do what we do -- can never be underestimated in these things, but again, this is about that dreaded vulnerability with another. 




> Of course, there is a limit to how long a person should wait. If the issue has not been brought up within a day or two then go ahead a broach the subject, but don’t do it with your arms crossed, and an angry look on your face. That kind of confrontational approach will put him on the defensive and you are right back into another argument.


 THis is the biggest problem, we are so quick to defend ourselves while not admitting our own faults before the other, a lack of humility .... Me & my husband are both pretty good at this.. being very humble before each other. Some of those defenses may fly in the begining when the anger is a little high cause we are missing something - but neither of us are the type to have a defense mechinism holding us by the throat. I know I can be a Bi**h sometimes- and admit it outright , even hang it on the wall and frame it - he knows he can be too passive, we both try to forgive each other our faults, but to argue once in a while .......we seriously get to the meat of the matter- which is never a bad thing. We KNOW where we stand, we still love, we can near read each others minds. I cherish these things. 



> You get so caught up in being angry that you lose sight of what the argument was about in the first place. Anger does not solve things. It is tempting to want to get angry as a way of showing your spouse how strongly you feel on a subject. However, they will probably just respond to your anger with anger of their own.


 We generally do not loose site, our arguements are very focused , I feel we try to internally focus on understanding instead of hauling off with more anger. 



> If you find that a discussion is turning into an argument, and your spouse is getting angry, the best thing to do is just stay calm. Keep your voice neutral and stick to the facts. It only takes a couple of minutes for an angry person to feel foolish when the other party is not rising to the bait. If a spouse insists on being upset even though you are calm, just end the discussion for now. Tell them that you wish to discuss it again later, once the emotions have had time to settle.


 I am happy my husband does not do this to me, he stays with me when I am "out of sorts, whether just pmsing and very emotional, or downright irritated about something- he listens to me, and just him DOING this allows me to calm down, get perspective and the initial upsetness slowly culminates to thankfulness I have such an understanding man. ANd he is very happy with himself that he is able to have such a calming effect on me. ...... Then I want his body!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Construtive arguements, disagreements, conflict, even heated debate, all good and healthy for a marriage.


Ok RDJ - I see you said this after I posted my monster response, THIS IS WHAT WE DO -- I enjoy it, and I NEED it in a marraige! I guess it is not really fighting, cause we don't do the name calling, although I can be stubborn, if he is not happy, this is no good... so we must work it out , it DRIVES us to work it out cause we both want each others happiness.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Added clarification,

I believe that my wife and I often made a common mistake. We would view a disagreement as a direct assault on our caricature/self-esteem. 

We would immediately become defensive during an opposing statement or behavior.

I think we all know (or we should) that once you start defending your self-esteem, things can start escalating in a pretty short amount of time. 

That’s when hurtful comments can come flying out that should never have been said, most likely weren’t meant, and apologies don’t cover (long term). 

Those hurtful comments/actions are the ones that create feelings of resentment, resent that builds and builds until one day, it explodes.

As I have said before, apologies without change, don’t mean squat.

The point of this post was that it’s better to learn how to defuse an argument before it turns into a “fight”. 

When we learn to take/give constructive criticism without offensive/defensive mode, we learn to communicate in a more positive way.

My wife and I formed this pattern over many years, it was very hard to overcome, but once we did, clearly it made a huge difference in our marriage.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think a lot of people take themselves too seriously. They view themselves superior to others. If they let others win the argument, to them it is like admitting been defeated. 

If you want to get along well with others, view them superior to you. Talk to them respectfully, and listen to their opinion carefully. 

It is a very important skill to learn. Like Laurie said, understand them, find out why they think like this, and respect their opinion. When we know why they think like that, we won't get so offended that they don't want to agree with us. 

Very often what people argue are small things. Very often one of us has to back off in order to avoid battles. In our marriage, I am usually the one who backs off because my husband is more stubborn. I am stubborn too, but he is more stubborn. He is more serious about his opinion. For example, he doesn't like Apple products, I would like to have an Iphone4S, but I won't buy one. It's just not that important. I enjoy our peaceful and sweet life. Keeping our life happy and peaceful is more important than me winning an argument and having an Iphone4S.

But if it's important and vital to our marriage and life, I strongly express my opinion and get it across to him. Very often he backs off and adopts my ideas. For example, I told him that it is not a good idea to invest in the stock market these years, he listened to me. I am glad that we haven't lost any money these years. If his ideas are good, I listen to him and take his advice happily. For example, he doesn't want me to wear high heels, he says wearing high heels can hurt one's back badly. I stopped wearing high heels right away.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Added clarification,
> 
> I believe that my wife and I often made a common mistake. We would view a disagreement as a direct assault on our caricature/self-esteem.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
We would rather be happy than right.


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