# Am I Blind?



## Am_I_Blind (Jun 28, 2011)

I know my wife is having an affair. I'm not 100% certain yet, but given some recent facts that have presented themselves it is hard to believe that she isn't.

My wife and I live in Baltimore and she has a friend from a previous job that lives in DC. A couple months back my wife would go to DC on a Friday or Saturday night and go out with her friend and come home usually around 1:30 or 2am. That didn't bother me, and I didn't have any questions at that time about her faithfulness. However, about 2 months the trips to DC started happening a bit more frequently (every weekend instead of once a month), and she began spending the night at her friends house because she would be drinking and didn't want to drive home. I encouraged that because the last thing I need is a wife in jail or even worse (I won't mention the possibilities.) 

Eventually I started noticing behavioral changes in her. She would be upset with me over little things. For example, we put the dog in a pet hotel when we went out of town for one night and she told me it was $30 a night, and I told her I paid $50, and she got all upset that I forgot that I paid to have the dogs nails clipped, and teeth brushed, and a couple other grooming things. That is not something that a normal person would get upset over I wouldn't think. Also, her trips to DC became 2 night stays a couple of weekends. She is also always buried in her phone texting, which isn't exactly a red flag with her, but it was still drawing my attention to the fact that something didn't seem right. 

This past Thursday her and I went to the gym together, which we often do, and when we got home around 10pm she received a phone call. The ring tone on her phone actually announces the person that is calling her, so when it announced a name that I did not recognize, and she answered it quickly and ran upstairs and talking in the back room in hushed tones that was the ultimate straw for me. I felt terrible doing it, but I knew I had to to get answers that she wouldn't provide, but I went into her Facebook to investigate. The first thing I saw was a conversation between her and the friend that she was initially going to DC to visit from work. My wife told her that she was pissed off that some guy (not the same one that called) said he would take her out to dinner, but never actually did it. She said "all men are like that" and that the guy is too "immature" anyway. A weeks later in their conversation the guy that called her pops up. My wife is asking her friend to find out about some girl that is in this guys Facebook profile picture. Also, at one point her friend asked her about who was over "his" house when you went there? I can only assume that "his" is referring to the same person that called my wife the other day. To top it all off, I also see in my wife's Facebook a couple messages to this guy. The first one says "Thanks for friend requesting me. Just so know, my husbands checks my Facebook profile from his profile so don't post anything on my wall or any pictures of just the 2 of us. If it is a picture of us in a group that is fine, just not only us. Thanks." Then was a message from him that said "I'm out of town this weekend, but will be in DC next weekend." She replies that has to do "hubby stuff this weekend." Then the last message was from her to him and all it said was "Hiya, whatcha doin this weekend?" 

Upon reading these messages I went upstairs and asked her who was it that called her and she said a friend of mine. He is sick and wants to know what medicine to take. (She is an ex pharmacist). I didn't believe that for a second, but that is irrelevant. I very calmly told her that I have been having issues trusting her lately with her going to DC all the time but she insisted she isn't being unfaithful. After trying to pry the info out of her as gently as possible she got upset and told me she wanted to separate for 2-3 months. I asked her who would move out, she said her. I asked where would she live, she said DC. Well that was not the right answer I wanted to hear. So I told her I looked at her Facebook messages and saw what I saw. She got upset that I did that, but I said that I felt bad about it, but I couldn't go another second without answers and I knew she wouldn't give me any answers, so I took matters into my own hands.

Here is where it gets interesting....

The next day she asks me if it is ok if she goes out to dinner with another girl from work and she will be home by 10pm. I told her that was fine, but I would like to be able to hang out with her the next day. She then TELLS me that she is going to DC and that she can't hang out with me. So, I ask her why she asks if she can hang out with one person but tells me she is hanging out with another. We had agreed the other night that we want to work things out and get our marriage back on track, so I told her that going to DC is not the best way for that to happen. She was upset and was accusing me of controlling her life, but she didn't go and we had an excellent evening together in our city until right before we left the restaurant. Earlier in the evening she posted on Facebook something about her attire, and I commented on her post saying that she looked nice in said attire. When I head to bathroom to freshen up she texts me that I "CANNOT post on her Facebook. We are getting separated and people think I'm lying and I have to explain myself. You are not taking this seriously. I'm so embarrassed." Well, supposedly the only people that know about this whole episode is her girlfriend in DC and my cousin (and my boss because we are friends and I thought it was good for him to know why I am not myself at work). But I question her because she said "people" think she is lying. I think the "people" she is referring to is this guy. Long story short, that night didn't end too well for us. Sunday was a good day. We spent the whole day together without episode. Today (Monday), is a whole new ball game. This morning she is getting ready for work and asks me to zip up her dress for her. This isn't any work friendly type dress either. This is a tight, white, short, show off the figure type dress. I say "Isn't this a little elegant for a work dress." She says that it isn't because she put a cardigan over it. She was supposed to go to DC after work today to look at a potential apartment. Now it is almost 11:30pm and she is just now on her way home. She said she got a drink with another of her friends from down there and didn't like the place. I am having trouble believing that. 

Am I reading too much into the situation? Am I blind and not seeing what is clearly right in front of me? I'm scared, confused, hurt, and sad. What should I do with this situation? How do I find out the truth? Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Sorry, but it seems as if your wife is defiantly hiding something. We all have been your shoes, we so bad want to believe that we are only over-reacting and that we are not really seeing what we are seeing but she is displaying the classic signs of disloyalty. Yes, there are classic signs. Not a single cheater is ever original.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife is most likely having an affair. No married woman who loves her husband would behave the way that your wife has been behaving.

You know what that 2-3 months separation bid of hers is? time to be with the OM.

I would recommend that you read marduk's thread - click the link below in my signature - as well as the manup articles posted in the Men's clubhouse.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. Yes your blind. What part of that Facebook message "...taking me out for dinner..". Sounded normal. And that part about being at his place, alone.

You need to grow a pair! What more information do you need? Even I can see your wife is shlepping some other guy, and it's not you.

First off, why are you being nice to her? Taking her out. Doing stuff with her? You are rewarding her bad behavior. Rewarding her for treating you like a doormat and running around with another man. You need to do the 180, and fast. Tell her to leave, now. She can go spend her time at the other man's house. Plus, you need to call all her friends and family and explain exactly why your separating. She needs to u derstand the consequences of her actions, and you are so scared of standing up for yourself and showing some self respect, you take any little bit of affection your wife is giving you and lapping it up like a little puppy.

Tell her that separation is the best idea she ever had. Then do the 180. Stop spending time with her. Stop rewarding her.

Me. I'd also call up the OM and tell him in no uncertain terms that he's messing around with a married woman. And to remove himself from your marriage.

Unless of course, you want a divorce. If that's the case. Just let her go. No one will blame you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Granting her a 2-month separation is like sending her to sex camp in DC. If you're OK with her having sex with other men, then by all means, keep allowing her to have her cake and eat it too.

If you want her to remain faithful to you, you can't give her the option of playing in DC and then coming home to you. Tell her that if she goes to DC, not to bother coming home. While she's gone, see a divorce attorney.

If she decides to stay with you, tell her she is not allowed to see her DC friend (who is facilitating her affair) anymore. Tell her she is not allowed any drinking, late, girls' night outs anymore. She also has to mail a no-contact letter to the other man and allow you complete transparency.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Granting her a 2-month separation is like sending her to sex camp in DC. If you're OK with her having sex with other men, then by all means, keep allowing her to have her cake and eat it too.
> 
> If you want her to remain faithful to you, you can't give her the option of playing in DC and then coming home to you. Tell her that if she goes to DC, not to bother coming home. While she's gone, see a divorce attorney.
> 
> If she decides to stay with you, tell her she is not allowed to see her DC friend (who is facilitating her affair) anymore. Tell her she is not allowed any drinking, late, girls' night outs anymore. She also has to mail a no-contact letter to the other man and allow you complete transparency.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What marriages do you know of---where the H., allows the wife to go out of town weekend, after weekend.------

Whatever friends she has in D C, are enabling her activities, and from your posts, it sounds like she is seeing lots of different guys

I think you need to draw your line in the sand---tell your wife, if she wants to seperate, to keep right on going, and see a D., atty. while she is at it

You need to start D., proceedings, as she needs a wake up call---you can always stop them, if she returns to reality

You need to also put all marital finances, in your name only, and you need to cancel her CC's.

You need to call her bluff, and MAKE her face reality!!!!!!

Right now you DO NOT have a mge., what you have is a wife, who thinks she is single, and is acting accordingly, so you have nothing to lose.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Ok. Yes your blind. What part of that Facebook message "...taking me out for dinner..". Sounded normal. And that part about being at his place, alone.
> 
> You need to grow a pair! What more information do you need? Even I can see your wife is shlepping some other guy, and it's not you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Just want to add: Find out if OM has a wife or GF, then expose the A to the other BW.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sex camp it is. Its how they assuage their conscience. That is if she still has one. Doubtful.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

alphaomega said:


> Ok. Yes your blind. What part of that Facebook message "...taking me out for dinner..". Sounded normal. And that part about being at his place, alone.
> 
> You need to grow a pair! What more information do you need? Even I can see your wife is shlepping some other guy, and it's not you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:100%


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For many cheating spouses separation is the best of both worlds. They get to have all the fun of being single without their bothersome conscience intruding every so often to spoil things for them. And they have the luxury of having an instant spouse waiting for them just in case things don't work out with their lover.

Let her go and file for divorce. Your wife and my ex-wife need to learn that if they cheat, they're history.


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

I am so sick of reading these posts and hearing Facebook, Facebook, Facebook!!! ..........doesn't any one else see that it has opened the proverbial Pandora's Box of infidelity and makes it so much easier for people to start affairs??? Something that started out so innocently to allow people to stay in touch with friends has increased the infidelity rate three-fold!

Am I Blind? ~ I am sorry to agree with the other posters, your wife is cheating on you. Get tough and let her know how it will be from now on ...... either with you or without you. Best wishes for your strength to get through it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_*The first one says "Thanks for friend requesting me. Just so know, my husbands checks my Facebook profile from his profile so don't post anything on my wall or any pictures of just the 2 of us. If it is a picture of us in a group that is fine, just not only us. Thanks."*_

Says it all. I'm 99% sure she is cheating on you. She wants the separation, give it to her. Stop talking to her and checking up on her on FB.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes. Listen to your instincts. In situations like this, your instincts are usually right. Your instincts told you she was up to something, so you looked on facebook. Confirmed. You think her actions are indicative of an affair, and you come to TAM to get other opinions of people who have been through the same thing. Confirmed.

Don't let her walk all over you like this. Tell her that you want to work on the marriage and that her leaving is going in the wrong direction.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

You're blind honey. she's cheating. and as a native baltimore girl myself...why the f**k does she need to haul her hiney to DC to party?? what is wrong with the local watering holes in bmore???? 

she is sooooo hiding and trying to do it far enough away that you won't run into her and her boytoys...

I'm sorry


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:



morituri said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:





PHTlump said:


> Granting her a 2-month separation is like sending her to sex camp in DC. If you're OK with her having sex with other men, then by all means, keep allowing her to have her cake and eat it too.
> 
> If you want her to remain faithful to you, you can't give her the option of playing in DC and then coming home to you. Tell her that if she goes to DC, not to bother coming home. While she's gone, see a divorce attorney.
> 
> If she decides to stay with you, tell her she is not allowed to see her DC friend (who is facilitating her affair) anymore. Tell her she is not allowed any drinking, late, girls' night outs anymore. She also has to mail a no-contact letter to the other man and allow you complete transparency.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

AIB, sorry to say, even you know that she is having a PA (or several). She is also in the fog and will do anything to try rationalizing things including blaming you for all the problems.

First thing you do is stop enabling her to do this, do whatever it takes to make it impossible for her to carry on her secret affair. When I found out mine was cheating I found out she was also getting excitement by sneaking around behind my back... don't let yourself be used like this.

If you want to save the marriage then be clear and be firm that she needs to stop all contact with any OM and her DC friend. No more travel, no more secrets, you are entitled to check her phone, FB whatever. If she refuses any of this or says she doesn't want R then its time for you to move on and leave her in the dust, there is only room for two in a marriage.

If you are like most betrayed spouses on here you are about to go through a huge shock, a grieving process, the rug is being pulled from your feet - now that you know this is happening its time to be strong and take control of this before she does. Come here often and seek IC, you will need all the help you can get and you need to remember you are not to blame for her affair it was her choice to put her energy outside of your marriage.

I wish you the best through this and my thoughts are with you, it sucks that you've been betrayed like this but it is what you've been dealt so do the best you can. For me, as devastating and painful as I've found this process, it has actually given me a level of confidence I haven't had for a long time, hopefully you can find that confidence in yourself necessary to fix your life no matter what the outcome of this.


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