# I got Covid, He stopped calling



## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.

We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).

After our last romantic date on Sunday night, we ended on a high positive note...we makeout (he's a gentleman) and plan to meet the next evening. Unfortunately, I got sick that night and tested positive for Covid the next day.

I immediately called him, canceled our plans, and asked to get tested, he panicked, said he wasn't worried because he'd got Covid before, and that's when things started to get weird.

He texted two days later and said he tested negative. Then silence. No checking in on me except when I initiate to say hello. He responds immediately, then silence. I'm really sick, and friends and families check in constantly, but I only get one word texts from the guy.

This week, his teens are still visiting his late wife's family, and my teens are with their dad (thankfully they all tested negative).

We've never had the define the relationship talk, but I'm a little hurt that he pulled back when I needed emotional support. I'm quarantined, but a phone call would mean a lot. He was an avid caller/texter before Covid.

He did mention earlier that he watched his wife suffer and die, and he never wants to go through that ever again. He talks about his wife A LOT, and I don't mind listening to their great love life. I actually find it inspiring.

Is it too early to expect a little Covid empathy from someone I've known for about 2 weeks??

Is this slowly fading out?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Seems he's a Fairweather type of guy. He already showed you who he really is. 2 weeks only? Fantastic, no much emotional involment, NEXT.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sierralyn20 said:


> We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now.





Sierralyn20 said:


> We've never had the define the relationship talk,


Given it's only been two weeks, I'd even wonder why having a define-the-relationship talk would be on anyone's radar. Seriously.



Sierralyn20 said:


> He talks about his wife A LOT, and I don't mind listening to their great love life. I actually find it inspiring.


Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't find a man talking "a lot" about his "love life" with his late wife particularly inspiring. What I would consider it to be is someone who hasn't found closure yet. You may be a great sounding board for him, but other than that, he isn't emotionally invested in YOU. Sorry.

Move on to someone else. This guy isn't it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Is it too early to expect a little Covid empathy from someone I've known for about 2 weeks??
> 
> Is this slowly fading out?


ETA: At two weeks, I think it's unrealistic to expect much of anything.

Slowly fading out? If I was in your shoes, it would be a quick fade to exit stage left. This guy isn't a keeper. Not by a long shot.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.
> 
> We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).
> 
> ...


He's showing you that he's not committed when it requires empathy. 
He viewed you as a good time and not somebody that's prepared to dig trenches with.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

By define the relationship I meant, "what are you looking for" or something of that nature. But I agree it's too soon.

Surely, I wasn't expecting flowers, or a gift basket or doordash. I was hoping for sympathy, i.e when someone you've snogged catches Covid, a potentially dangerous disease killing hundreds of thousands. When did we stop being humane?

But, it's only two weeks.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> By define the relationship I meant, "what are you looking for" or something of that nature. But I agree it's too soon.
> 
> Surely, I wasn't expecting flowers, or a gift basket or doordash. I was hoping for sympathy, i.e when someone you've snogged catches Covid, a potentially dangerous disease killing hundreds of thousands. When did we stop being humane?
> 
> But, it's only two weeks.


Now you know what he would have done if you had gotten something much more serious, like cancer.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was only two weeks ago IIRC that you started a thread about a 57 year old man you were dating who was into swinging. Now you’re thinking exclusivity with someone else?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Openminded said:


> It was only two weeks ago IIRC that you started a thread about a 57 year old man you were dating who was into swinging. Now you’re thinking exclusivity with someone else?


Exclusivity, yes, if I can find someone who isn't sleeping with multiple people. One man at a time, yes. Or maybe I need a break.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

From what you've posted so far, I'd suggest you take a break for awhile. Granted, you would think a little compassion from him regarding your covid diagnosis would be reasonable. But there's a lot of garbage out there. As far as being humane, I think that ended sometime during the Reagan administration.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I‘ll go with maybe you need a break. At least a short one. No. 1 was in the picture as recently as two weeks ago. Now No. 2 is suddenly in the running.

As to him lacking compassion, better to learn that now than figure it out down the road. Or maybe his wife’s death changed him. It’s possible he’s not completely over that yet even though he wants to move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would say it's quickly fading out. Best case scenario here is he's not interested in talking to a sick woman and that's not great. Or like the scenario is he's dating other people and doesn't think this is going to work out and therefore the one word texts. Now once you're all better and if he thinks six might happen soon, he may step up to the plate but I wouldn't expect him to stay there. I think this is the warning you should heed.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

18 years is far too much age gap imo. My sister in law was married to a man 16 years her senior. She was widowed far too young.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The Age gap is very big. He is old enough to be your dad. A man who talks a lot about a former wife shows he isn't over her. Widowed men do tend to idolize their former spouse and talking a lot about their sex life after 2 weeks? Hmmm. 
Personally I wouldn't have dated a widower. 

I do think you are expecting a lot after 2 weeks. I am sure his wifes death has made him shy away from sickness.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.
> 
> We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).
> 
> ...


Maybe you are on to something with the idea that you being sick brought him back to his wife's death. Who knows. Sucks but you are probably better off if this is how he treats you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

with the misinformation, scare mongering, and just crazy b.s. going on about covid....can you blame this guy from being afraid of someone with covid.

get better, THEN text him you are better, and things will be right as rain again.

I myself hate being around sick people. i have empathy for them....just try to stay away and not think that much about them! It would be different if it were my wife sick, as we are married. this guy was only dating you for a very short while....probably does not cross the threshold yet of someone sick he has to force himself to remain close to.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I don’t think it’s fair to expect “emotional support” after two weeks and no sex. Your expectations are way too high, as is his age, but that’s a whole other topic.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Maybe you are on to something with the idea that you being sick brought him back to his wife's death. Who knows. Sucks but you are probably better off if this is how he treats you.


Yeah, I am guessing sickness freaked him out


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

It just strikes me that empathy is such a low expectation at this day and age. My girlfriend had been on just one date with a new guy, when we lost a mutual friend due to Covid...this was pre-vaxx. My girlfriend's date (now boyfriend) learned about the death and was by her side within minutes to offer his support. I was thinking about this.

Of course, I wasn't expecting any visits or a high standard of care in compassion, it's way too soon, I know. Calling or texting is safe and cheap!!! I know that's what I'd do for a new guy in the same situation. Ugh.

Yup, thanks for the different insights, everyone. I'm taking a few months off dating.

He just texted "good morning and happy New Year's eve. I look forward to seeing you when you're out of quarantine. "

Nope.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> It just strikes me that empathy is such a low expectation at this day and age. My girlfriend had been on just one date with a new guy, when we lost a mutual friend due to Covid...this was pre-vaxx. My girlfriend's date (now boyfriend) learned about the death and was by her side within minutes to offer his support. I was thinking about this.
> 
> Of course, I wasn't expecting any visits or a high standard of care in compassion, it's way too soon, I know. Calling or texting is safe and cheap!!! I know that's what I'd do for a new guy in the same situation. Ugh.
> 
> ...


"Nope"...?? Isn't he finally doing what you wanted?

Why not just sit back, relax, and give him more than 2 weeks to show you who he is and how he feels about you?
If I were you, I wouldn't expect anything, I would simply observe his actions throughout all of the life-crap that happens (because there is more than just Covid barreling toward you), and see how much real interest he shows in you.

If you like him, respond that way, but stop trying to draw out solid feelings from a couple weeks of texts. You have no idea if he stopped texting because he doesn't want to bother you if you are sick, or if he is watching for your interest, or if he's dealing with his own life-crap that he doesn't want to burden you with. His lack of contact could be a list of things besides "no empathy". He might be feeling just as confused and uncertain about your feelings as you do about his.

The only way you are going to learn about him and if you like him or not is if you let him be himself over many weeks and see what it shows you about him. Trying to interpret and assume intentions and feelings through texts in TWO WEEKS isn't going to tell you anything REAL at all.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> with the misinformation, scare mongering, and just crazy b.s. going on about covid....can you blame this guy from being afraid of someone with covid.
> 
> get better, THEN text him you are better, and things will be right as rain again.
> 
> I myself hate being around sick people. i have empathy for them....just try to stay away and not think that much about them! It would be different if it were my wife sick, as we are married. this guy was only dating you for a very short while....probably does not cross the threshold yet of someone sick he has to force himself to remain close to.


She didn’t ask him to visit, she did want a phone call.

OP this one isn’t good for long term either. Maybe stop dating old men.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sierralyn20 said:


> It just strikes me that empathy is such a low expectation at this day and age. My girlfriend had been on just one date with a new guy, when we lost a mutual friend due to Covid...this was pre-vaxx. My girlfriend's date (now boyfriend) learned about the death and was by her side within minutes to offer his support. I was thinking about this.
> 
> Of course, I wasn't expecting any visits or a high standard of care in compassion, it's way too soon, I know. Calling or texting is safe and cheap!!! I know that's what I'd do for a new guy in the same situation. Ugh.
> 
> ...


Don’t know how long the no support went on.. here’s my take. He either doesn’t really like you or he’ll be for **** every time something goes wonky. I expect daily contact from my guys. Even in the beginning of dating. I don’t continue dating someone that fails some basic needs.

so you have to ask yourself, is this contact truly enough? If it is then respond accordingly. But if his lack of the ability to even text you and ask about your well being, a 2 minute task, isn’t enough then move on.

if you ignore failures on basic needs then in 1 year you’ll be like we’ve been together for a year and I really like him except…. This is how people end up in unhappy relationships.

on the other hand if you’re ok with it then letting him know that you would have preferred some phone contact is fine.

I don’t think you need months off dating, just don’t expect that every new man is the one. You probably test drove more than one car before buying. Date enjoy, look for character traits only keep the ones that meet the standard. Watch for red flags.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Another point of view is at two weeks you don't really know each other. So for the guy, multiple dates, no sex now she has "covid". He definitely should have been better at communicating but even without the covid thing probably should have been thinking about pulling the plug.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> Another point of view is at two weeks you don't really know each other. So for the guy, multiple dates, no sex now she has "covid". He definitely should have been better at communicating but even without the covid thing probably should have been thinking about pulling the plug.


Yes because men give women **** about multiple past partners but expect sex after the first date.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yes because men give women **** about multiple past partners but expect sex after the first date.


That's a trad-con thing. Never said any of that. What I'm saying is after multiple dates, if the desire isn't there then I'm not wasting my or her time any longer.

As far as not wanting to date someone who isn't having sex with other people, I get that but at the same time that leaves you with mostly guys who don't have a ton of options. In other words, less desirable guys.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> That's a trad-con thing. Never said any of that. What I'm saying is after multiple dates, if the desire isn't there then I'm not wasting my or her time any longer.
> 
> As far as not wanting to date someone who isn't having sex with other people, I get that but at the same time that leaves you with mostly guys who don't have a ton of options. In other words, less desirable guys.


Or passing on guys who want to have sex while multi-dating. Sounds like a win to me. If a guy doesn’t want to date me exclusively I will take the pass. Next.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> I'm taking a few months off dating.
> 
> He just texted "good morning and happy New Year's eve. I look forward to seeing you when you're out of quarantine. "
> 
> Nope.


Really? 

You saw him 5 days ago -- presumably 12/26. You told him you were sick. He got tested at your request & reported back his negative results. Then he left you alone in your illness rather than pester you while you were ill. He probably thought he was doing the right thing, not zapping your depleted strength & giving you time to rest. 

Now that he's reached out you are annoyed because in your opinion it's too little too late. Geeesh. High maintenance much? This is a guy you just stated dating not a long term BF. Yes it would have been nice if he called but you have only known him for 2 weeks. He's not a mind reader. You are punishing him for not knowing what you wanted. That's not fair. Give the guy a freaking break but gently tell him that in the future you would appreciate more TLC when you are sick.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

As far as "taking a break", to do what? I mean specifically, not the usual "work on myself" or "clear my head" nonsense. I see friends take a break only to come back the same, only older.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I typed an entire reply but I'm deleting it now that I see that the old guy had reached back out to the OP but she ain't having none of it.

I say GOOD - she needs to date *younger* men. This guy is just looking for a younger woman to marry so she'll take care of him and eventually become his caretaker when he gets old. The chances of her being able to do it are much better when she's younger than him.

OP, date men your own age and stop wasting time with men who trawl dating sites for younger women to marry because they know she's healthy and strong enough to take care of them into their twilight years. Pfffffft.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.
> 
> We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).
> 
> ...


I read both of your threads. You lived with a physically abusive husband for 20 years, so first you were away from the dating scene for twenty-two years (counting the two post-divorce years), and that's a long time, which means you are learning how to date as a 40-year old woman. Second, your ex-h was physically abusive, which means you need some time to heal from his abuse and recover your self-confidence and realize your self worth. You sound intelligent and it looks like you have a stable career. You have a PhD, and if you work in academia, you expect people to follow some kind of social etiquette that lacks in many. But also as a PhD, you tend to think thoroughly some people's behaviors and interpret them and come to conclusions that reflect your psyche and way of relating to others more than anything else. 

I would repeat the advice that @Anastasia6 gave you. Sit back, relax, and date without having expectations so soon. Let them reveal who they are, and as Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are, believe them, which means don't give them excuses because there was great chemistry or you connected on some level. A person's behavior is way more revealing than their talk. 

Also, as @Al_Bundy advised you, stay away from old guys. 57 and 58 is way too old for a 40 year old woman. Enjoy dating by taking time to know the person (I know, easy to say but very hard to apply at the beginning of the dating process). Let your date reveal who they are and take the time to judge for yourself if you want to keep interacting with this person. 

I lived with an emotionally and verbally abusive man for 22 years. I wrote my dissertation after we separated while working two jobs and taking care of three children, which means I didn't have the time or desire to date for 5 years after the separation. But I always took care of myself and exercised, so without even looking for dates, I got asked out by younger guys all the time. I quickly found out that casual relationships were not for me, but after getting told that I am worthless for 22 years, realizing that guys 14-16 years younger than I wanted to date me gave me the ego boost that helped see my self worth. Then after my children were out of the house, I decided to start OLD. After two years of OLD and an 18-month relationship with a guy my age I decided to take a break from dating, but if I meet someone in real life, I'll be open for a relationship. All in all, dating was a journey of self-discovery and an experience that gave me exposure to different men, what to expect from men my age, and what I want in a man if I want to have a relationship with him. 

As for this guy who went silent after you told him you have covid. I don't agree with those saying he didn't want to pester you. There is a minimum of civility that one has to have. Sending a text asking about you or wishing you well is not pestering someone; it is polite and civil to say the least, especially if you are interested in the person. However, the big red flag is that he talks a lot about his late wife, and he is 17 years older than you. If you want to keep seeing him, why not, especially that you enjoy talking to him, but you need to do it knowing that he is not relationship material. Not at all. Good luck!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You dodged a bullet.

Be thankful.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I don't think age has anything to do with it, nor would I focus on it. Know what type of person you want, the age part will work itself out.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> Another point of view is at two weeks you don't really know each other. So for the guy, multiple dates, no sex now she has "covid". He definitely should have been better at communicating but even without the covid thing probably should have been thinking about pulling the plug.


Two weeks, multiple dates and it appears all they did was kiss. “Covid” was his way out.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This is such an easy one. You have been dating for two weeks and you discovered he wasn't the type of guy you are looking for. Dating is an experiment, your research with this one is done.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> That's a trad-con thing. Never said any of that. What I'm saying is after multiple dates, if the desire isn't there then I'm not wasting my or her time any longer.
> 
> As far as not wanting to date someone who isn't having sex with other people, I get that but at the same time that leaves you with mostly guys who don't have a ton of options. In other words, less desirable guys.


There weren't multiple dates, it was merely 2 weeks. 
You do realise that not having sex after half a dozen dates isn't down to lack of desire. It may well be because some people don't want to have sex when they barely know the person. They may actually want to feel something for that person first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Two weeks, multiple dates and it appears all they did was kiss. “Covid” was his way out.


Not all men are only interested in getting the woman into bed after only half a dozen dates! 
Plus he has actually said he wants to see her in the new year.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> There weren't multiple dates, it was merely 2 weeks.
> You do realise that not having sex after half a dozen dates isn't down to lack of desire. It may well be because some people don't want to have sex when they barely know the person. They may actually want to feel something for that person first.


_averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now._

2 times 3 equals 6. If you don't know whether or not you want the person after 6 dates then there isn't any desire.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> That's a trad-con thing. Never said any of that. What I'm saying is after multiple dates, if the desire isn't there then I'm not wasting my or her time any longer.
> 
> As far as not wanting to date someone who isn't having sex with other people, I get that but at the same time that leaves you with mostly guys who don't have a ton of options. In other words, less desirable guys.


I don't think many of the guys who aren't multi-dating or demanding sex are less desirable. Many are quiet nerds or busy professionals. They make the best partners. They also aren't hound dogs who only think with their ****. She said they were making out. Having desire doesn't preclude having restraint. Get to know you kind of thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> _averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now._
> 
> 2 times 3 equals 6. If you don't know whether or not you want the person after 6 dates then there isn't any desire.


I wanted and desired my husband after one date but that doesn't mean we had sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think many of the guys who aren't multi-dating or demanding sex are less desirable. Many are quiet nerds or busy professionals. They make the best partners. They also aren't hound dogs who only think with their ****. She said they were making out. Having desire doesn't preclude having restraint. Get to know you kind of thing.


People seem to forget restraint and self control.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> with the misinformation, scare mongering, and just crazy b.s. going on about covid....can you blame this guy from being afraid of someone with covid.
> 
> get better, THEN text him you are better, and things will be right as rain again.
> 
> I myself hate being around sick people. i have empathy for them....just try to stay away and not think that much about them! It would be different if it were my wife sick, as we are married. this guy was only dating you for a very short while....probably does not cross the threshold yet of someone sick he has to force himself to remain close to.


You can't catch it over the phone or via emails.

I wonder if he panicked when presented with someone who was ill?

Same thing happened to a friend of mine. His wife's first husband died of cancer. When he also developed cancer she virtually cut him off until he recovered.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> People seem to forget restraint and self control.


People also seem to forget that not everyone is meant for everyone. If she wants contact when she is sick and he doesn't feel the need for a 1 minute text. Hey, how are you? or a call then he isn't for her. It isn't about how many dates you been on or if you've had sex. If your communication patterns are drastically different than your partners expectations it just doesn't bode well for a long term relationship.

When I'm dating a guy I expect daily contact (and since it's been a while since I dated, we are talking back with landlines). If you don't want daily contact you just aren't the person for me. That's ok there is only 1 person on the whole planet for me.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> You can't catch it over the phone or via emails.
> 
> I wonder if he panicked when presented with someone who was ill?
> 
> Same thing happened to a friend of mine. His wife's first husband died of cancer. When he also developed cancer she virtually cut him off until he recovered.


Yep. It can happen to either sex but women are more apt to stick around when someone is long term sick. He probably doesn't have it in him for a second round. 

While I don't think it is the only reason men date younger women when divorced, it does benefit them as usually they end up with home care while dying and she's lucky if her children help her through death.

I couldn't be with someone that I doubted their ability to see me through a serious illness like breast cancer or worse.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> While I don't think it is the only reason men date younger women when divorced, it does benefit them as usually they end up with home care while dying and she's lucky if her children help her through death.


But if statistically women live longer, wouldn't that happen to couples of the same age? Making it a nonfactor. 

It could be a generational thing, I've never heard it come up in any conversations as far as a reason to date someone.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> But if statistically women live longer, wouldn't that happen to couples of the same age? Making it a nonfactor.
> 
> It could be a generational thing, I've never heard it come up in any conversations as far as a reason to date someone.


I agree I don't think it is a conscious choice. However younger women should think about it before getting involved with someone so much older. While we do statistically have that chance from dying being sick happens long before death. Many start in their 50's with diabetes, heart disease, cancer and such. Both spouses are around for that. And the difference in life expectancy is 5 years. 76 for men, 81 for women. So that gives men the edge but there are plenty of women who die before their husbands. But you increase the age difference to 15 years... Well your odds of watching your partner die and being alone for a long time or having to date at 65 just increased. Personally the 5 years difference means if my husband died at 76, I'd just be alone til 81. I wouldn't want to be alone for 20 years.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> with the misinformation, scare mongering, and just crazy b.s. going on about covid....can you blame this guy from being afraid of someone with covid.
> 
> get better, THEN text him you are better, and things will be right as rain again.
> 
> I myself hate being around sick people. i have empathy for them....just try to stay away and not think that much about them! It would be different if it were my wife sick, as we are married. this guy was only dating you for a very short while....probably does not cross the threshold yet of someone sick he has to force himself to remain close to.


misinformation. scare-mongering. huh.

those are ridiculous excuses. I have never heard anywhere that texting someone with Covid can expose you, unless you are with them. He was not with her. No reason not to reach out and say, hey, i am sorry you are not feeling well. Get better.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You have known this man for a little more than two weeks now. You don't need a reason for discontinuing the relationship. Simply tell him you're not interested in dating him further. No explanation necessary. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He just texted "good morning and happy New Year's eve. I look forward to seeing you when you're out of quarantine. "
> 
> Nope.


Definitely sounds like he only wants you in health but not in sickness. A good thing to learn early on!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, stop wasting your time with these 15+ years older men. I divorced a guy that was 19 years older.

Age is not just a number....there are issues that you will only find out about as you spend more time together.

Find a guy <10 years older. I did and it's much better.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.
> 
> We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).
> 
> ...


He may be triggering because you are ill and it has knocked him for a loop with memories of his wife's passing.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> misinformation. scare-mongering. huh.
> 
> those are ridiculous excuses. I have never heard anywhere that texting someone with Covid can expose you, unless you are with them. He was not with her. No reason not to reach out and say, hey, i am sorry you are not feeling well. Get better.


god, over your head, huh?

EVERYONE is scared of covid right now. 
jeez,


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You only dated for two weeks. What was the gap between his texts? How many days?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Texting frequency:
Pre Covid...a few times daily, a quick phone call nightly.
Post Covid...every other day, if I initiated. However, he did initiate a "Merry Christmas" text, and another one today asking to meet when I feel better.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Regarding no sex, are there men who honestly believe that this played a role in what I think was luck of compassion in his part? 
Does no sex means lackluster effort from the men? 
Don't many many guys ghost anyway after sex?
This is a question for the guys that brought up the "no sex yet" issue.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Regarding no sex, are there men who honestly believe that this played a role in what I think was luck of compassion in his part?
> Does no sex means lackluster effort from the men?
> Don't many many guys ghost anyway after sex?
> This is a question for the guys that brought up the "no sex yet" issue.


To me, you sound needy. If he liked you and the sex was good, no, he probably wouldn’t ghost. However, six++ dates, nothing other than kissing? He’s looking for a way out and covid was his parachute. Just my opinion.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He’s gonna be dead soon anyways so who cares ..... unless he’s rich !!! Gotta have a plan !!!

Now that I think about it you could run off to Vegas and get married then lick his face a few times while you still have Covid.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> To me, you sound needy. If he liked you and the sex was good, no, he probably wouldn’t ghost. However, six++ dates, nothing other than kissing? He’s looking for a way out and covid was his parachute. Just my opinion.


Then he wasnt worth having anyway.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Texting frequency:
> Pre Covid...a few times daily, a quick phone call nightly.
> Post Covid...every other day, if I initiated. However, he did initiate a "Merry Christmas" text, and another one today asking to meet when I feel better.


You are far too high maintenance. A man you dated for 2 freaking weeks only texted you every other day over the past week while you were sick with Covid & you are dumping him as not being there for you. Good heavens.

I get it. Your friend got some guy who looks like the White Knight. After 1 date that guy jumped in when your friend had a need & you want that. But this guy was not ghosting you. He was not rude. He did not disappear. He slowed down in the face of your illness during the period between Christmas & New Years. 

You are going to be alone & lonely if you don't stop demanding perfection. 

He sounds like a kind, good, patient guy who is not pressuring you for sex. Yet you are kicking him to the curb for a mistake he didn't even know he made. HE deserves better.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

If the guy wasn't interested he wouldn't have text you to say happy Christmas, or want to meet you when feeling better. It's only been 2 weeks and he was probably giving you some space to get better, and then contact you which he did. If you liked the guy maybe give him a chance because it's only been 2 weeks. When I'm sick I just want to be left alone and usually reply to everyone once feeling better.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Does no sex means lackluster effort from the men?


You say lackluster from him?
I don't understand!
You said in your main post:


Sierralyn20 said:


> We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. *No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that.*


So it's you not him? the lackluster is not from his side. am I correct?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Widowed is tough, you are left with the commitment and memories shared with your spouse, and the love remains but was taken away. From what I've seen it's a lot different from moving on after a breakup where in a breakup you can justify bringing all the negative memories and forget all the good. I don't think you can expect him to not compare or to not think of his late wife. 

He has backed away emotionally and it shows. Not only that, but his reasons are very clear. You triggered his grief, it's not your fault but this is one of several signs that you will be dealing with his ghosts if you want to get involved. You seem to already know why he is acting like this, I understand you may need validation, but still.

Also 2 weeks isn't enough to really give a ****, but I think what adds to his indifference is the fact that you triggered him and for him to show compassion and vulnerability to you right now is going to trigger him even more. If I was in his shoes I may be having flashbacks of my wife dying from her sickness as well. 

But that's just my theory.


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## MC21 (Nov 9, 2012)

Speaking on behalf of myself (a widower of one year)...I try to be conscious of how much I talk about my LW, and in what context she's involved. Simply put, we spent a lot of our lives, in my case 20 years, with a spouse that ended by an unwanted event. I have a lot of stories that she and my children were a part of, and to get to know us (two daughters) I mention her. Don't be afraid if he mentions her in stories from time to time, but if "like her" or "better than" comes up a lot, by no means is he ready for a relationship. 

She passed unexpectedly (it's a year and a day as I'm reply now) and I wasn't a caretaker as this man would've been, but being the one who had to make the decision to order the DNR, and stand by her with our two children as they said goodbye, I know going into a relationship that life can be taken in a second, and it doesn't have to be cancer, covid, diabetes...those things give a couple time to say the things they need to say before the end. While I may have been apprehensive to visit in person, I sure as hell would've been calling/texting/contacting a GF if she were sick (I don't need a reason to say Good Morning, or How's your kid doing today, or Roads are slick, anything I can get for you?). As I said above, if he's afraid that history will repeat itself...he's not ready. Guys in my support group lost our spouse by car, drowning or other accidents, a recent member's wife was murdered in their home...a person must be ready to accept this risk, and I don't get this feeling. 

From the start I mentioned to her that I usually go back to the hospital every 10 years for a maintenance visit (my LW learned this two months before our wedding, I found it only fair to forewarn GF). The day of our first real-date-to-be, I started feeling ill and told her "I think October is coming early", and we'd have to postpone the date. She was so wonderful, we'd only met me for a one-hour date before, offered to come take care of me (and help with whatever my children, whom she'd never met) needed. I told her I appreciated it so much, but I didn't want to scare her away so soon (but if I needed immediate help, I would ask). I'm just saying, even if it's only been weeks since you met, a decent person would care enough to help or comfort you while you're recovering, and a really caring person will go beyond that to make sure you're alright.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

I think his level of care is directly tied to his ability to get laid. When sex is back on the table, he'll be back around. I wouldn't expect this guy for a relationship past fwb. Two weeks is not putting in lot's of time and effort, phfffft, not for people over the age of 30.
Feel better soon!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You have been Vaccinated and got the booster shot. So what is the big deal getting Covid?

Both my boys got it at the end of 2019, our family doctor didn’t know what it was at the time. They had flu symptoms with loss of taste and headache. It lasted about a week with my youngest and a month with J. My wife and I never came down with anything. We were both around them. 

You say he watched his wife suffer and die. Can you not understand why he distanced himself? I think a little understanding could go both ways.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

harperlee said:


> I think his level of care is directly tied to his ability to get laid. When sex is back on the table, he'll be back around. I wouldn't expect this guy for a relationship past fwb. Two weeks is not putting in lot's of time and effort, phfffft, not for people over the age of 30.
> Feel better soon!


is this really surprising?
why would a guy who has been around the block more than a few times hang out with a woman if sex was NOT on the table? You can only play parchisi so many times before it gets boring!

People here are wondering how he could be so callous! 
give me a break, he barely knew this lady, there was not a deep relationship. there was probably a good tv show on or something that distracted him. You want a guy to care about you, you have to put in the heavy lifting to form an actual relationship first


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MC21 said:


> Speaking on behalf of myself (a widower of one year)...I try to be conscious of how much I talk about my LW, and in what context she's involved. Simply put, we spent a lot of our lives, in my case 20 years, with a spouse that ended by an unwanted event. I have a lot of stories that she and my children were a part of, and to get to know us (two daughters) I mention her. Don't be afraid if he mentions her in stories from time to time, but if "like her" or "better than" comes up a lot, by no means is he ready for a relationship.
> 
> She passed unexpectedly (it's a year and a day as I'm reply now) and I wasn't a caretaker as this man would've been, but being the one who had to make the decision to order the DNR, and stand by her with our two children as they said goodbye, I know going into a relationship that life can be taken in a second, and it doesn't have to be cancer, covid, diabetes...those things give a couple time to say the things they need to say before the end. While I may have been apprehensive to visit in person, I sure as hell would've been calling/texting/contacting a GF if she were sick (I don't need a reason to say Good Morning, or How's your kid doing today, or Roads are slick, anything I can get for you?). As I said above, if he's afraid that history will repeat itself...he's not ready. Guys in my support group lost our spouse by car, drowning or other accidents, a recent member's wife was murdered in their home...a person must be ready to accept this risk, and I don't get this feeling.
> 
> From the start I mentioned to her that I usually go back to the hospital every 10 years for a maintenance visit (my LW learned this two months before our wedding, I found it only fair to forewarn GF). The day of our first real-date-to-be, I started feeling ill and told her "I think October is coming early", and we'd have to postpone the date. She was so wonderful, we'd only met me for a one-hour date before, offered to come take care of me (and help with whatever my children, whom she'd never met) needed. I told her I appreciated it so much, but I didn't want to scare her away so soon (but if I needed immediate help, I would ask). I'm just saying, even if it's only been weeks since you met, a decent person would care enough to help or comfort you while you're recovering, and a really caring person will go beyond that to make sure you're alright.


These two had only been dating for two weeks. She's not his girlfriend. 

Not everyone is into an instant relationship after just two weeks.

In fact, many people would be put off by a huge amount of closeness and acting like (or the _expectation_ to act like) boyfriend/girlfriend after two weeks.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

So, I received a plain vanilla "Get well soon" card today by regular snail mail from the guy. It was nice. I couldn't help smiling. It's too little too late (do people still mail these??)
I'm guessing he figures that my quarantine will come to an end soon, and doesn't want to be forgotten.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> So, I received a plain vanilla "Get well soon" card today by regular snail mail from the guy. It was nice. I couldn't help smiling. It's too little too late (do people still mail these??)
> I'm guessing he figures that my quarantine will come to an end soon, and doesn't want to be forgotten.


Yes people do still send get well cards. 
That was a kind thought. 

I think you expected a little too much from a man who you have only known for 2 weeks.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> So, I received a plain vanilla "Get well soon" card today by regular snail mail from the guy. It was nice. I couldn't help smiling. It's too little too late (do people still mail these??)
> I'm guessing he figures that my quarantine will come to an end soon, and doesn't want to be forgotten.


If how he has conducted himself, after only dating for 2 weeks, is "too little too late" for you, you are going to be hard pressed to find an _emotionally healthy_ man to have a relationship with. 

In my opinion it's he who dodged a bullet.


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

It’s a fact that people on dating apps normally have more than one dating friends. Maybe his enthusiasm comes quickly and goes quickly, you must be understand it.

Time will dilute everything, so don't worry about it. Just treat him as one of a past friend. forgot him and forgive him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Elise2022 said:


> It’s a fact that people on dating apps normally have more than one dating friends. Maybe his enthusiasm comes quickly and goes quickly, you must be understand it.
> 
> Time will dilute everything, so don't worry about it. Just treat him as one of a past friend. forgot him and forgive him.


I think he showed a normal amount of care given they only dated two weeks.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's too old anyway. In ten years you'll be 50 and he'll be 68. Believe me, 50 is a far far cry from 68. Be thankful the universe was looking out for you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> He's too old anyway. In ten years you'll be 50 and he'll be 68. Believe me, 50 is a far far cry from 68. Be thankful the universe was looking out for you.


I agree. Change the filters on your dating app so you can meet men closer to your age. 
I am attracted to older men, but even I wouldn't consider more than 13-14 years older.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> He's too old anyway. In ten years you'll be 50 and he'll be 68. Believe me, 50 is a far far cry from 68. Be thankful the universe was looking out for you.


I agree. It doesn't sound like you were super excited to be dating your daddy anyway. Take a break, get better and when you're ready, be proactive about looking for dudes you want instead of waiting for the app to match you.

Feel better soon.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> is this really surprising?
> why would a guy who has been around the block more than a few times hang out with a woman if sex was NOT on the table? You can only play parchisi so many times before it gets boring!
> 
> People here are wondering how he could be so callous!
> give me a break, he barely knew this lady, there was not a deep relationship. there was probably a good tv show on or something that distracted him. You want a guy to care about you, you have to put in the heavy lifting to form an actual relationship first


Actually it helps her weed out just one more asshole for whom her only asset is sex. When you get toward 40 and up if a guy doesn’t care about you or has so little empathy that he can’t text or call you cause you’re sick and he can’t get sex that’s a good way to rule him out.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> So, I received a plain vanilla "Get well soon" card today by regular snail mail from the guy. It was nice. I couldn't help smiling. It's too little too late (do people still mail these??)
> I'm guessing he figures that my quarantine will come to an end soon, and doesn't want to be forgotten.


I can't believe you STILL think this is too little too late. My word. This guy is going above & beyond. Granted it may not be exactly how you envisioned his efforts looking but he bothered to go to the store, buy you are card, & mail it to you. 

You said it yourself. It was nice & made you smile. He's trying. WTH are you doing other than b1tch!ng?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

...and now the barrage of texts are coming in again. Back to back texts all from him... paraphrasing:

"Good morning, are you snowed in, too?" 
"I hope you're better"
"I have to work from home, crazy weather. Are you WFH too?"
"I hope you got my card. The holiday season is usually tough for me. Hope to see you again and explain. Xoxo "

I only responded to weather and WFH text. Is ghosting in order here? Or meetup to listen to his explanation first?

This is hard...the texting used to be so much fun...ugh.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What does he even have to explain?

You dated for _two weeks_. 

You are acting like you two were deep into a relationship and he should have done "more".


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> ...and now the barrage of texts are coming in again. Back to back texts all from him... paraphrasing:
> 
> "Good morning, are you snowed in, too?"
> "I hope you're better"
> ...


So...you aren't even telling him straight out that you aren't interested?? 

WHY would you ghost him? Just TELL him you are moving on.

This is only hard because you are making it hard.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I don’t think OP is even reading the responses. It’s her way or no way. This guy ought to be running for the hills. He will never be able to please OP.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> Actually it helps her weed out just one more asshole for whom her only asset is sex. When you get toward 40 and up if a guy doesn’t care about you or has so little empathy that he can’t text or call you cause you’re sick and he can’t get sex that’s a good way to rule him out.


So he’s an asshole?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Elise2022 said:


> It’s a fact that people on dating apps normally have more than one dating friends. Maybe his enthusiasm comes quickly and goes quickly, you must be understand it.
> 
> Time will dilute everything, so don't worry about it. Just treat him as one of a past friend. forgot him and forgive him.


What did he do that requires her forgiveness?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You dated this man for two weeks, then you got sick. You are dissatisfied with the amount of attention he paid to you when you were sick. You don't know why he wasn't communicating with you much. When he did contact you, it wasn't enough for your liking. He put in the time and effort to find a sweet get well card and to mail it to you, but that's not good enough either.
I think you need to move on from this man. You two are not suited to each other. If you are offended by his behavior, forgive him and move on. I also think that your expectations are rather extreme for someone that you dated for two weeks. I'm not sure you're going to find anyone who meets your expectations.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> So he’s an asshole?


Well I was responding to another poster that said is sex wasn’t in the table why talk. I’m simply pointing out that if that’s the only reason someone is talking with you then it’s good to weed them out.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> ...and now the barrage of texts are coming in again. Back to back texts all from him... paraphrasing:
> 
> "Good morning, are you snowed in, too?"
> "I hope you're better"
> ...


Its seems this drama was all of your own making. The dude slows texting, but continues to talk to you while you are sick, he sent you a get well card and now that he knows you are coming out of quarantine he starts texting more. All from a guy you have been dating for 2 long weeks!? Wow, what a big jerk 

I think your expectations are a little out whack.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t think OP is even reading the responses. It’s her way or no way. This guy ought to be running for the hills. He will never be able to please OP.


is it any surprise that a lot of single men RUN from women trying to date them? 

just what frigin hoops does a guy have to go thru nowadays?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I see red flags here  and not from him, from you. The guy has known you 2 weeks and has given you the space to recover, then messaged to check on you. Then he sent you a get well card and saying he looks forward to your next date when you are recovered and all better. Let the guy go so he can find someone who will make him happy. If you are like this after 2 weeks, what would you be like after 6 months? He hasn't completely ignored you or ghosted you. Did you expect him to come round and wipe your bum lol?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> *I don’t think OP is even reading the responses. It’s her way or no way.* This guy ought to be running for the hills. He will never be able to please OP.


This is exactly what I was thinking too!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sierralyn20 said:


> I'm guessing he figures that my quarantine will come to an end soon,and doesn't want to be forgotten.


First, your expectations aren't particularly realistic, given you'd only dated for two weeks. Also you are reading your own bias into his motives for sending you a get-well card.

You'll never know if he's a jerk or not, because you didn't give him an honest chance.

Like I said, you should take a break from dating. Figure out your criteria for what you want in a man. And get rid of some of your expectations. This man may not have been a keeper. He's got issues too - just like every other human on the planet. But he may have turned out to be a good guy. Sorry, but you're the one reading too much into what he was doing (or not doing).


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would say it's quickly fading out. Best case scenario here is he's not interested in talking to a sick woman and that's not great. Or like the scenario is he's dating other people and doesn't think this is going to work out and therefore the one word texts. Now once you're all better and if he thinks six might happen soon, he may step up to the plate but I wouldn't expect him to stay there. I think this is the warning you should heed.



See the post above. Several posters alluded this would happen. He slow faded when I'm down for the count, he returns when I'm better and getting out of quarantine. That's what was bothering me the most.

I am reading each answer carefully, but leaning towards the "this is what a relationship with him would be like if you got sick again" type responses.

2 weeks...yes, isn't much, I know. It isn't a relationship, I know. I also know I'm not his girlfriend, but we're dating, for Christ's sake.

But when a guy initiates contact frequently (texting and calling), asks me out on dates, we spend 3+ hours on each of 6 the plus dates (and that's a very high frequency), then suddenly goes colder when I get sick, that's hurtful.

Imagine how devastating this might have felt had we had sex (thank God we hadn't).

Maybe I was expecting too much. But seriously, if you're dating someone who gets sick, pick up the bloody phone and call them. Check in! I initiated the texts, he left me on "read" for hours, or didn't respond! Seriously? All because I got sick??

Maybe I'm comparing this guy to the 2 relationships I've had in my life (my ex husband and an ex boyfriend with a swinging lifestyle, both of whom SERIOUSLY love-bombed me from day 1). I married my ex husband within one month of meeting...yikes. But I was 18.

And I know the age difference with this guy is HUGE! 

I dunno...but, I sort of liked this guy. We had the kind of meetup where you get off a dating site, see someone in real life and instantly "like" what you see... I'm told that doesn't happen frequently.

So, I'll see him again on Wednesday, he's asked to have dinner- last day of quarantine. Only because I kinda sorta liked him. He's smart, chill, extremely patient, and NOT pushy at all. Perhaps I've only dated "pushy" type guys.

I'm NOT going to have sex with him, however, until I can trust that he won't run for the hills when I need his emotional support the most. I get very attached easily, and sex will complicate things especially since I already like him.

FWIW, the texting is back on top gear again. The whole afternoon today. And I think it's because he knows I'm bouncing back fast. Go figure.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sierralyn20 said:


> See the post above. Several posters alluded this would happen. He slow faded when I'm down for the count, he returns when I'm better and getting out of quarantine. That's what was bothering me the most.
> 
> I am reading each answer carefully, but leaning towards the "this is what a relationship with him would be like if you got sick again" type responses.
> 
> ...


What you're doing is you're comparing this relationship to the relationship you hoped to have or that you would hope to have with anybody. What you have to wake up about is you are lucky you're finding out who he is early on because this is a big red flag that he is inadequate in relationships and there is just no reason to stay with this guy. You have to start getting rid of them when you know they're not right. When you're too tolerant you end up with people who just take advantage of that and give you the worst treatment ever.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

MC21 said:


> Speaking on behalf of myself (a widower of one year)...I try to be conscious of how much I talk about my LW, and in what context she's involved. Simply put, we spent a lot of our lives, in my case 20 years, with a spouse that ended by an unwanted event. I have a lot of stories that she and my children were a part of, and to get to know us (two daughters) I mention her. Don't be afraid if he mentions her in stories from time to time, but if "like her" or "better than" comes up a lot, by no means is he ready for a relationship.
> 
> She passed unexpectedly (it's a year and a day as I'm reply now) and I wasn't a caretaker as this man would've been, but being the one who had to make the decision to order the DNR, and stand by her with our two children as they said goodbye, I know going into a relationship that life can be taken in a second, and it doesn't have to be cancer, covid, diabetes...those things give a couple time to say the things they need to say before the end. While I may have been apprehensive to visit in person, I sure as hell would've been calling/texting/contacting a GF if she were sick (I don't need a reason to say Good Morning, or How's your kid doing today, or Roads are slick, anything I can get for you?). As I said above, if he's afraid that history will repeat itself...he's not ready. Guys in my support group lost our spouse by car, drowning or other accidents, a recent member's wife was murdered in their home...a person must be ready to accept this risk, and I don't get this feeling.
> 
> From the start I mentioned to her that I usually go back to the hospital every 10 years for a maintenance visit (my LW learned this two months before our wedding, I found it only fair to forewarn GF). The day of our first real-date-to-be, I started feeling ill and told her "I think October is coming early", and we'd have to postpone the date. *She was so wonderful, we'd only met me for a one-hour date before, offered to come take care of me (and help with whatever my children, whom she'd never met) needed. I told her I appreciated it so much, but I didn't want to scare her away so soon (but if I needed immediate help, I would ask). I'm just saying, even if it's only been weeks since you met, a decent person would care enough to help or comfort you while you're recovering, and a really caring person will go beyond that to make sure you're alright.*


Here's another one...this one nailed it.

This guy's girlfriend stepped up after just one date when he had to see a doctor.

How is it that I'm expecting too much with my dude...seriously....???


----------



## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

coquille said:


> *There is a minimum of civility that one has to have. Sending a text asking about you or wishing you well is not pestering someone; it is polite and civil to say the least, especially if you are interested in the person. However, the big red flag is that he talks a lot about his late wife, and he is 17 years older than you. If you want to keep seeing him, why not, especially that you enjoy talking to him, but you need to do it knowing that he is not relationship material. Not at all. Good luck!*


Here is another one... if checking in on me was pestering me, I would have said so. But he cooled way off when I got sick

So, what this poster says makes sense too....and that's exactly what I plan to do. Have fun, don't sleep with him because he isn't ready for a relationship.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sierralyn20 said:


> "I hope you got my card. The holiday season is usually tough for me. Hope to see you again and explain. Xoxo "


So, he might have a reason of his own, not covid related, to explain why he was distant and cold towards you while you were sick. 

If I were you, I'd go out with him and listen to his explanation. 

I don't know about other men, but my husband is a terrible nurse. I'm good if he's taking care of the house and the kids while I'm sick. I used to get mad he didn't know what to do to help. Now, I tell him specifically what I need and things run smoothly. 

Some men want to be left alone when sick, maybe he thought you wanted to be alone? 

Talk to him and see what he has to say!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Here's another one...this one nailed it.
> 
> This guy's girlfriend stepped up after just one date when he had to see a doctor.
> 
> How is it that I'm expecting too much with my dude...seriously....???


You aren't people are different. IN other words you can see that on this forum there are at least 4 people you shouldn't date. It's ok. You don't have to date or be compatible with everyone.

If you want to go on a date with your guy then go. But be aware this is most likely how he'll be when things go wrong. He's up for an every things fine relationship but maybe not you got sick. He may also simply not be ready to date. If his ex-wife still triggers him at Christmas and an illness freaks him out that's ok for him. You have to decide if that's ok for you.

It's perfectly fine to have standards and boundaries. It's the best way to find the one you want and someone who will make you happy. Does it mean it may take time? Or that no one fits that bill. Sure. Chances are there is a guy for you. The only caution is you can't want it all on everything. Such as I'm ok if the guys isn't making more bank than me but I"m not ok with how he left you out to dry. I don't care that it was 2 weeks. The fact that before and after he was texting then stopped would be enough. He may even have a good excuse if you want to listen to it. But for me it would probably be it because I need that feeling of knowing someone cares for me all the time not just sometime.

And while the age doesn't seem to bother you....You really should think about if this works out what does that look like in 10 years?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> *I'm NOT going to have sex with him*, however, until I can trust that he won't run for the hills when I need his emotional support the most. *I get very attached easily*, and sex will complicate things especially since I already like him.


Oh boy...Hey, at least you'll get your needs met. I've come to know there are a lot of selfish people out there. Your dude is like 60, so he should know this, and if he doesn't, he'll be finding out very quickly. I can guess who's paid for these dates also...


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> I initiated the texts, he left me on "read" for hours


Lol - my 20 yr old daughters talk this way. HUGE offense! If you’re Gen-Z that is….


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> Lol - my 20 yr old daughters talk this way. HUGE offense! If you’re Gen-Z that is….


I thought the same thing, but she is a 40 year old woman.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I see red flags here  and not from him, from you. The guy has known you 2 weeks and has given you the space to recover, then messaged to check on you. *Then he sent you a get well card and saying he looks forward to your next date when you are recovered and all better.* Let the guy go so he can find someone who will make him happy. If you are like this after 2 weeks, what would you be like after 6 months? He hasn't completely ignored you or ghosted you. Did you expect him to come round and wipe your bum lol?


BTW, some people have stacks of cards for various occasions rotting in their file cabinets. So, am I supposed to leap with joy because he stuck one in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and walked a few steps outside to his mailbox? What a back-breaking effort.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> BTW, some people have stacks of cards for various occasions rotting in their file cabinets. So, am I supposed to leap with joy because he stuck one in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and walked a few steps outside to his mailbox? What a back-breaking effort.


That is a hell of a lot more effort than sitting on your ass texting. Could you be a little more ungrateful? I know many people that would consider a physical card way up there compared to sending a few texts. This seals it for me, you would be a nightmare of a partner. In this thread, to me, you come off as an entitled and very high maintenance woman that is likely to never be satisfied. Ghosting this guy may be the best thing you could do for him.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> Oh boy...Hey, at least you'll get your needs met. I've come to know there are a lot of selfish people out there. Your dude is like 60, so he should know this, and if he doesn't, he'll be finding out very quickly. I can guess who's paid for these dates also...


Oh please. 

I paid for a couple of those dates, and I offered to do so/split on the other dates too, but he declined. What's that (whoever pays for dates) got to do with this anyway?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> *And while the age doesn't seem to bother you....You really should think about if this works out what does that look like in 10 years?
> *




Honestly, excellent question. I haven't thought that far out yet.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is a hell of a lot more effort than sitting on your ass texting. Could you be a little more ungrateful? I know many people that would consider a physical card way up there compared to sending a few texts. *This seals it for me, you would be a nightmare of a partner. In this thread, to me, you come off as an entitled and very high maintenance woman that is likely to never be satisfied.* Ghosting this guy may be the best thing you could do for him.


Triggered much?

If expecting more communication/care from a man (especially when all the chips are down) makes me high maintenance, then it is what it is.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> Lol - my 20 yr old daughters talk this way. HUGE offense! If you’re Gen-Z that is….


Well, my kids are 18 and 19. Their texting habits must have rubbed off on me.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sierralyn20 said:


> BTW, some people have stacks of cards for various occasions rotting in their file cabinets. So, am I supposed to leap with joy because he stuck one in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and walked a few steps outside to his mailbox? What a back-breaking effort.


Wow!

Yeah, I don't think you are the right person for the guy. Let him know ASAP you are done with him. 

P.S. Other than Christmas cards, I don't remember the last time someone took the time and effort to mail me a card.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Triggered much?
> 
> If expecting more communication/care from a man (especially when all the chips are down) makes me high maintenance, then it is what it is.


Would you be okay with someone complaining about the gift you gave them? Saying you didn't put in enough effort? That doesn't seem a bit ungrateful?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Would you be okay with someone complaining about the gift you gave them? Saying you didn't put in enough effort? That doesn't seem a bit ungrateful?


It depends...under what circumstance is the gift getting offered?

FWIW, my ex husband was the master of cards and gifts (the ladies in the office constantly gushed about how lucky I was) ...usually after beating me black and blue. He would never sit down to have a conversation about anything.

But that's a different story, and I realize I have my own personal demons to slay.

Gifting doesn't make up for nasty behavior. But this guy is new, I feel he was neglectful, but he doesn't know my history. I'll have dinner on Wednesday, hopefully a conversation too, and take it one day at a time.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Glad you kicked Covid-19’s butt. You’d think an experienced man would have played the “dating game” better when you were sick…. something seems a little off with him to be honest…. Maybe just really indifferent about you?


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## Elise2022 (Jan 2, 2022)

RebuildingMe said:


> What did he do that requires her forgiveness?


The point is that women feel that they are in love, and men feel that she is just one of many friends, and the two are not in the same channel, so women better forget it and walk away.

The saddest thing is one's own wishful thinking, we might all did when we was young.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Is ghosting in order here? Or meetup to listen to his explanation first?
> 
> This is hard...the texting used to be so much fun...ugh.


Ghosting is NEVER appropriate!

Look, you have expectations & he didn't meet them. You were offended that he left you on read for 2 hours. You complain that him sending you a card in the mail was low effort because your nose is out of joint that he did not pick up the phone & call you while you were sick & the pace of his texts slowed. While I think that is ridiculous, it's how you feel. 

But here's the thing: Dating entails learning about each other. You had expectations that were not made clear to him. He failed to meet the expectations he did not know about. You are now pissy because he didn't read your mind. That is incredibly unfair. How was he supposed to know what you wanted? You have only been dating 2 freakin' weeks! Communicate & stop expecting people to know what you want if you don't tell them. This is more your fault than his. Don't you think he wants / deserves a partner who talks to him about her expectations? Your poor communication skills are partly to blame. You didn't speak up. Now rather than tell him that his behavior upset you, your plan is to ghost. Gee whiz.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> Glad you kicked Covid-19’s butt. You’d think an experienced man would have played the “dating game” better when you were sick…. something seems a little off with him to be honest…. Maybe just really indifferent about you?


Some sort of aloofness that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I thought of this incident:

On one of our dates, we were discussing Covid and its impacts, and I mentioned the death of one of my friends. She was 38, contracted the virus, texted me complaining that she wasn't feeling well, and was dead within 48 hours. It was a shock to everyone that knew her. After that death, I was hit by a car while out jogging and it landed me in the hospital for a few days.

On sharing the death and the jogging accident with the guy, he simply brushed it off, no reaction, just nonchalance. I believe he asked our server for something and we continued having dinner. 

All I needed to hear from him at that moment was "Oh, wow, that's terrible. I'm so sorry."

It seems like this guy lacks empathy, and that's key for me, along with fidelity.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you still going to see him on Wednesday?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Some sort of aloofness that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I thought of this incident:
> 
> On one of our dates, we were discussing Covid and its impacts, and I mentioned the death of one of my friends. She was 38, contracted the virus, texted me complaining that she wasn't feeling well, and was dead within 48 hours. It was a shock to everyone that knew her. After that death, I was hit by a car while out jogging and it landed me in the hospital for a few days.
> 
> ...


Do you think the fact that he has gone through the whole cancer process and eventual death of his wife could have had an impact on him and how he reacts? I can envision if I were in his place a life altering event like that could harden you to things like this. Just a thought.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you think the fact that he has gone through the whole cancer process and eventual death of his wife could have had an impact on him and how he reacts? *I can envision if I were in his place a life altering event like that could harden you to things like this.* Just a thought.


Yes, if he is so wrapped up in his own pain that anyone else's pales in comparison. Having been in his shoes, I can attest that one has to not lose sight of their humanity. 

This guy really has no business trying to get involved with a new love interest. It is still too soon for him and is not fair to those he dates.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP I truly think you need to move on to someone else. You have posted so many disparaging comments about this guys behavior I don't believe he could ever live up to your needs. The poor guy would walk on eggshells hoping not to break your rules.

So why have dinner with him, I just don't get it. Maybe to convince yourself he's really no good?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cooper said:


> OP I truly think you need to move on to someone else. You have posted so many disparaging comments about this guys behavior I don't believe he could ever live up to your needs. The poor guy would walk on eggshells hoping not to break your rules.
> 
> So why have dinner with him, I just don't get it. Maybe to convince yourself he's really no good?


Even though I don't believe this relationship will work out in the long run, I think it may be healthy for her to hear what he has to say. What really strikes me as odd is I sense immaturity in the OP in spite of her being 40 and having 2 teenage kids. She is talking about ghosting, counting time between getting a text Read receipt and his response. She thinks an actual get well card is somehow less than multiple text message. That sounds like a teen or 20 something, not a 40 year old mother of 2 older teens. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, this is just how it feels to me. They were only dating for 2 weeks, so they have barely scratched the surface of getting to know each other, but she seemed to feel something that clicked with him. In spite of that she has been considering ghosting him without actually understanding what is going on in his head. I think it could be a growth opportunity to see both sides of a situation and find out what was going on with him while she was quarantined.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Some sort of aloofness that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I thought of this incident:
> 
> On one of our dates, we were discussing Covid and its impacts, and I mentioned the death of one of my friends. She was 38, contracted the virus, texted me complaining that she wasn't feeling well, and was dead within 48 hours. It was a shock to everyone that knew her. After that death, I was hit by a car while out jogging and it landed me in the hospital for a few days.
> 
> ...


He didn’t say anything about you getting hit by a car?? I thought maybe he’s a Covid “denier” but this is a whole other ballgame… really odd..


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Elise2022 said:


> The point is that women feel that they are in love, and men feel that she is just one of many friends, and the two are not in the same channel, so women better forget it and walk away.
> 
> The saddest thing is one's own wishful thinking, we might all did when we was young.


So, by your rationale, she she ask HERSELF for forgiveness for falling in love after two weeks.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Cooper said:


> So why have dinner with him, I just don't get it. Maybe to convince yourself he's really no good?


I have another reason, but no one here would want to hear it, lol.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sierralyn20 said:


> BTW, some people have stacks of cards for various occasions rotting in their file cabinets. So, am I supposed to leap with joy because he stuck one in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and walked a few steps outside to his mailbox? What a back-breaking effort.


I was sorta reading along trying to be non-judgmental until this.

What a monumentally entitled and ungrateful person you are.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

My message last night to him;

"_Hi Scooby! It's been a pleasure getting to know you, but I don't think we're a good match. Please cancel dinner tomorrow. All my best to you in your search."_

His response early this morning:

"_Dear Shaggy, I just saw this. Wow is my first reaction.

While I kinda understand, this comes as a total surprise given all the fun we had together and our conversation last evening. What happened? Can't we talk this over dinner?

Seems you need peace with this decision and I'll respect it and you as a true lady.

Will touch base in a few days to let this sink and absorb. Xoxo."_

The end. 

Thanks to everyone for all the insightful comments...I appreciate it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> My message last night to him;
> 
> "_Hi Scooby! It's been a pleasure getting to know you, but I don't think we're a good match. Please cancel dinner tomorrow. All my best to you in your search."_
> 
> ...


OP, you might not have liked or agreed with my comments, but you did the right thing here. I wanted to say that to you. Good luck moving forward. I wish you well.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP you did the correct thing, your message was simple and should close the door on things. I'm not a fan of his parting statement tho, he respects your decision but will touch base in a few days. Why? That's not respecting your wishes, just makes him sound desperate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, he’s not giving up yet.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yeah, he’s not giving up yet.


Why would he. He had fun, skipped the not fun illness and she’s 18 years younger.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Yeah, he’s not giving up yet.


Usually an indication of a lack of options.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> Usually an indication of a lack of options.


Or that he really like her. Or that he’s a stalker . Or that he realizes he flaked at Christmas/ COVID and wants to be patient. Or she the only young woman interested in him. 

there are so many reasons it could be. Not everyone fits into a tidy little pocket.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Or that he really like her. Or that he’s a stalker . Or that he realizes he flaked at Christmas/ COVID and wants to be patient. Or she the only young woman interested in him.
> 
> there are so many reasons it could be. Not everyone fits into a tidy little pocket.


Everything you described comes from scarcity. His actions also point to a lack of experience as far as dating in general. The old fella probably wooed his first wife over a landline.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You did the right thing. I hope you find someone that you connect with and can build a wonderful relationship with.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> BTW, some people have stacks of cards for various occasions rotting in their file cabinets. So, am I supposed to leap with joy because he stuck one in an envelope, put a stamp on it, and walked a few steps outside to his mailbox? What a back-breaking effort.


Men don't usually have stacks of cards, that's usually women.


Sierralyn20 said:


> Oh please.
> 
> I paid for a couple of those dates, and I offered to do so/split on the other dates too, but he declined. What's that (whoever pays for dates) got to do with this anyway?


He probably thinks that if the man paid he should have been able to have sex. Untrue of course. I respect you for not jumping into bed with him after just a few dates.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I think you should have given him more time. Anyway it's too late now probably.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Personally I think you should have given him more time. Anyway it's too late now probably.


I believe it's better for him that she didn't.


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## drift (Jan 5, 2022)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.
> 
> We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).
> 
> ...


He's a weak man. Not worth your time. If he liked you, he'd support you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> I believe it's better for him that she didn't.


You may be right.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

drift said:


> He's a weak man. Not worth your time. If he liked you, he'd support you.


He did support her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drift said:


> He's a weak man. Not worth your time. If he liked you, he'd support you.


After 2 weeks of dating?

I think the world has gone crazy if people expect a 2 week dating situation to play out as though the people are in a loving, established relationship.

2 weeks and people are deciding if they even want continuing dates. Geez.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> god, over your head, huh?
> 
> EVERYONE is scared of covid right now.
> jeez,


I'm not.

If I get it, I'll deal with what is slightly worse than a head cold, and come out of it at the end with natural antibodies.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@Sierralyn20 so Wednesday has come and gone. Just curious did you cave in and go on the date?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Note:- *OK, folks, lets not turn this into a general COVID thread, OK? Thank you.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sierralyn20 said:


> My message last night to him;
> 
> "_Hi Scooby! It's been a pleasure getting to know you, but I don't think we're a good match. Please cancel dinner tomorrow. All my best to you in your search."_
> 
> ...


I know nothing about dating but anyone that “cares about you” and doesn’t ask for details after you get hit by a car- is a stinking weirdo.

Heck, if my UPS man said he was hit by a car I’d be concerned and ask him about it.

Good job and best wishes.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Now would be the time to block the number. You did the right thing. You weren't rude. It's not ghosting anymore to block him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I reported the posts.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> @Sierralyn20 so Wednesday has come and gone. Just curious did you cave in and go on the date?


Update: I caved in and accepted a brunch date on Saturday...he picked me up (cannot recall being so excited for a date in years, trying on different outfits). I was excited to see him, and he had on this broad smile the entire time. Great convo, flirty bantering back and both. Hand holding, etc. Fun times.

1. He's definitely grieving for his wife, and I'm a bona fide empath. After his wife, he lost his brother then his dad to cancer all in a span of a year, and I felt so sorry for him.

2. He is terrified of death..I happen to share a birthday with his wife, and my COVID ordeal brought back bad memories. Apparently, he says I'd joked on the first date that I'd probably die early, and he took that to heart.

The date lasted 5 or 6 hours, he brought me back home, things got a little heated in his car during the kissing, then I said goodnight and skipped indoors. He texted later and said he'd had a good time and enjoyed the kissing.

Oh, and about the jogging accident, I pointed out to him the spot where it happened, and he was like, "yeah, you told me you had an accident already." Then changed the topic.

There are many, many other red flags that indicate he's nowhere near ready to date. He's been dating casually since her death, and insists he's ready to move on.

I feel sorry for him, but his aloofness bothers me. The poor dude is still grieving. We talked a lot about death.

And I'm already emotionally invested for whatever reason. My heart says to give this a shot, my head says hell no. I'm more torn than ever.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well nobody’s perfect. I’d be hesitant to get involved with someone who can’t handle being there when sick without the ability to have empathy. And the age. But you know what you’re getting so if you’re happy enjoy.

I would encourage you to date others and more your age. You’ve just begun to dip your toes in.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Update: I caved in and accepted a brunch date on Saturday...he picked me up (cannot recall being so excited for a date in years, trying on different outfits). I was excited to see him, and he had on this broad smile the entire time. Great convo, flirty bantering back and both. Hand holding, etc. Fun times.
> 
> 1. He's definitely grieving for his wife, and I'm a bona fide empath. After his wife, he lost his brother then his dad to cancer all in a span of a year, and I felt so sorry for him.
> 
> ...


If you can see that he is still grieving and is no where near ready to date then you have your answer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> He's 58 (the dating app keeps matching me with older guys) widowed 5 years (wife died from cancer), I'm 40, divorced for 2 years, shared custody with ex 50/50. We each have 2 kids in their late teens. We averaged 3 dates per week for about 2 weeks now. No sex has happened. I'd like to get to know him better first, and he said he respects that. I'm into monogamy and exclusivity, he says he is, too. He mentioned that he's been dating casually since the wife passed, but is looking to remarry. I'm still on the fence about remarriage at this point.
> 
> We've enjoyed our time together, we are both physically active and fit, great chemistry and connect well emotionally. Politically, we're polar opposites. Although we are both vaxxed and boosted, he's very conservative and doesn't believe in masks (or the vax).
> 
> ...


How sure are you that is wife is actually a "late wife", could be still very much married


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Triggered much?
> 
> If expecting more communication/care from a man (especially when all the chips are down) makes me high maintenance, then it is what it is.


i think you have to take the 18 year age gap into consideration. Men of his generation are not going to be in your face when you are recuperating. In addition the effort to go to a shop, select a card, write it up and post it says alot about this guy. He is old school, thoughtful and kind. As for you, I agree with a few of the other members, your expectations are far too high for a non relationship where u went on a few dates. Let him go.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

aine said:


> How sure are you that is wife is actually a "late wife", could be still very much married


 I saw her obituary when I ran a background check.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well nobody’s perfect. I’d be hesitant to get involved with someone who can’t handle being there when sick without the ability to have empathy. And the age. But you know what you’re getting so if you’re happy enjoy.
> 
> I would encourage you to date others and more your age. You’ve just begun to dip your toes in.


Yeah, deep down I know that empathy is key for me...I don't see myself longterm with someone who lacks it.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

aine said:


> i think you have to take the 18 year age gap into consideration. Men of his generation are not going to be in your face when you are recuperating. In addition the effort to go to a shop, select a card, write it up and post it says alot about this guy. He is old school, thoughtful and kind. As for you, I agree with a few of the other members, your expectations are far too high for a non relationship where u went on a few dates. Let him go.


Sadly, you and many posters are right. We're taking things very slowly and casually. Not sure I feel like jumping ship at the moment (the dates are super fun, he's not pushing for sex at all, which is fabulous for me), but eventually I'll have to face the music.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> You did the right thing. I hope you find someone that you connect with and can build a wonderful relationship with.


Finding someone I connect with? Sounds like searching for a needle in the haystack. And my standards aren't super high...just monogamy, honestly, loyalty, empathy and financial security. How hard can it be???


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> I know nothing about dating but anyone that “cares about you” and doesn’t ask for details after you get hit by a car- is a stinking weirdo.
> 
> Heck, if my UPS man said he was hit by a car I’d be concerned and ask him about it.
> 
> Good job and best wishes.


The lack of empathy is super concerning...it's like whatever, get over it, we all have issues bla bla bla. He's not saying that outright, but it sure feels like he wouldn't care less.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> I saw her obituary when I ran a background check.





Sierralyn20 said:


> Finding someone I connect with? Sounds like searching for a needle in the haystack. And my standards aren't super high...just monogamy, honestly, loyalty, empathy and financial security. How hard can it be???


I think he's on floor 4b

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> The lack of empathy is super concerning...it's like whatever, get over it, we all have issues bla bla bla. He's not saying that outright, but it sure feels like he wouldn't care less.


Is he verbally expressive?
I'm highly empathetic, but it tends to come out in actions than words.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> I think he's on floor 4b
> 
> A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
> You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
> ...


😂😂🤣🤣I'm thinking floor 2 would do it for me at this stage.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> Is he verbally expressive?
> I'm highly empathetic, but it tends to come out in actions than words.


That's just the thing. He says nothing about these misfortunes and changes the topic. We haven't talked about my illness, he only said polio was much worse and there's a lot of hullabaloo concerning Covid which is unnecessary.

His 20yo son is still grieving for his mom. He mentioned that the boy should move on.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> That's just the thing. He says nothing about these misfortunes and changes the topic. We haven't talked about my illness, he only said polio was much worse and there's a lot of hullabaloo concerning Covid which is unnecessary.
> 
> His 20yo son is still grieving for his mom. He mentioned that the boy should move on.


He doesn't sound very empathetic.
Covid is one thing, but to say that about man's mother is not excusable.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Personally I think you should have given him more time. Anyway it's too late now probably.


I've given him more time, but I know what I'm dealing with...lack of empathy. Aloofness. Nonchalance. Ugh. Even typing these words is painful.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> He doesn't sound very empathetic.
> Covid is one thing, but to say that about man's mother is not excusable.


I told him exactly that...he should be more empathetic to his own son. His goal is to get the kids out of the house and downsize...he says that repeatedly. Ugh.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Too many red flags as you can see. But, I'm not ready to pull the plug..misery loves company I guess.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Too many red flags as you can see. But, I'm not ready to pull the plug..misery loves company I guess.


Why not?

If you're delaying the inevitable it's not going to get easier. Suppose he gets overly invited and turns stalked on you? If you know he's not for you, let him go. Are you so hard up for a man's attention, anyone will do?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Do you share the same religious beliefs?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Yeah, deep down I know that empathy is key for me...I don't see myself longterm with someone who lacks it.


You yourself were damn sure lacking empathy when you were pissy about his not texting. I said from the start he was having issue with sickness/death related situations. When you got sick with a virus that kills some, he was probably in flashback mode to wife dying. I can imagine him finding someone he likes and now she may be taken from him too. Fate is sometimes cruel. But what he might be going through emotionally was of no concern to you anyway.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Let it go, let it goooo.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> You yourself were damn sure lacking empathy when you were pissy about his not texting. I said from the start he was having issue with sickness/death related situations. When you got sick with a virus that kills some, he was probably in flashback mode to wife dying. I can imagine him finding someone he likes and now she may be taken from him too. Fate is sometimes cruel. But what he might be going through emotionally was of no concern to you anyway.


It's not a matter of lack of empathy. It's a matter of needing something he can't provide. They simply aren't a match. Why that upsets you, not sure. Just based on their ages they weren't a match. He's way too old, still hung up on his wife and unable to offer support to others.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> It's not a matter of lack of empathy. It's a matter of needing something he can't provide. They simply aren't a match. Why that upsets you, not sure. Just based on their ages they weren't a match. He's way too old, still hung up on his wife and unable to offer support to others.


Then she should stop seeing him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

LisaDiane said:


> Then she should stop seeing him.


I agree and disagree. I think she needs to be honest with him IF she is going to keep seeing him and she has to some extent. She let him know that she was going to stop seeing him due to his inattention. He asked her to reconsider. IF she chooses to keep seeing him she should let him know that while she enjoys his company she doesn't envision a serious relationship. They are both adults which means they can date with not long term plans as long as they both understand where they are in that respect. Since he's looking for a wife this gives him the information to stop seeing her if he chooses. I have a feeling he'll hang around hoping she changes her mind. 

I do agree that OP would be better off moving on. She is already in danger of catching feelings. If empathy is a necessity and you see a partner doesn't have that to give you'd do best to move on. Otherwise you'll spend a lot of time and emotion only to be let down again. Next time it could be a much more serious illness or need. That's a lousy time to remember your partner doesn't have it. On the other hand after years of an abusive husband it's ok to just smell the roses so to speak.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The thing is, this guy WASN'T HER PARTNER YET.

They dated for two weeks!!!!

Some people are evaluating this guy's actions from a perspective that doesn't exist, yet.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> Do you share the same religious beliefs?


Yes, we do. Thank goodness.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Livvie said:


> The thing is, this guy WASN'T HER PARTNER YET.
> 
> They dated for two weeks!!!!
> 
> Some people are evaluating this guy's actions from a perspective that doesn't exist, yet.


Livvie, I get that part, he wasn't a partner yet, and still isn't, and I wasn't expecting him to rise to that level of care or concern.

I've stated several times that I wasn't expecting him to drop everything and tend to my needs while I was sick. It's the apathy that got me concerned, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone. It only gets worse down the road. To me, this doesn't have the potential to grow into the kind of partnership that I want.

I realize that everyone deals with grief differently, and some people are more sensitive to those who don't care when they're sick.

I don't know how else to explain this. But to each his own.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I agree and disagree. I think she needs to be honest with him IF she is going to keep seeing him and she has to some extent. She let him know that she was going to stop seeing him due to his inattention. He asked her to reconsider. IF she chooses to keep seeing him she should let him know that while she enjoys his company she doesn't envision a serious relationship. They are both adults which means they can date with not long term plans as long as they both understand where they are in that respect. Since he's looking for a wife this gives him the information to stop seeing her if he chooses. I have a feeling he'll hang around hoping she changes her mind.
> 
> I do agree that OP would be better off moving on. She is already in danger of catching feelings. If empathy is a necessity and you see a partner doesn't have that to give you'd do best to move on. Otherwise you'll spend a lot of time and emotion only to be let down again. Next time it could be a much more serious illness or need. That's a lousy time to remember your partner doesn't have it. On the other hand after years of an abusive husband it's ok to just smell the roses so to speak.


Agreed. Nobody wants to watch anyone suffer and die, and my heart goes out to him. But that's a fundamental risk we all take in relationships. 

I've encouraged him to back to counseling because it's clear to me that he needs to work some more on his healing in order to be more emotionally open to a potential romantic interest.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Let it go, let it goooo.


But something keeps us hanging on...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Livvie, I get that part, he wasn't a partner yet, and still isn't, and I wasn't expecting him to rise to that level of care or concern.
> 
> I've stated several times that I wasn't expecting him to drop everything and tend to my needs while I was sick. It's the apathy that got me concerned, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone. It only gets worse down the road. To me, this doesn't have the potential to grow into the kind of partnership that I want.
> 
> ...


I don't know if you realize how indecisive and confused you sound. 

You don't like his level of empathy, you acknowledge his grief, but you're continuing anyway. 

Methinks you're a sucker for punishment and need to stay in counseling to deal with your issues before you date anyone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you know he isn't right for you is it fair to him to carry on seeing him?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> If you know he isn't right for you is it fair to him to carry on seeing him?


As long as she is honest with him then it's up to him.

Many adults date without intentions of getting more serious so isn't right isn't correct. Bad idea I agree.

OP at least date someone else you really haven't had much experience after your marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> As long as she is honest with him then it's up to him.
> 
> Many adults date without intentions of getting more serious so isn't right isn't correct. Bad idea I agree.
> 
> OP at least date someone else you really haven't had much experience after your marriage.


Has she been honest with him though?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> It's not a matter of lack of empathy. It's a matter of needing something he can't provide. They simply aren't a match. Why that upsets you, not sure. Just based on their ages they weren't a match. He's way too old, still hung up on his wife and unable to offer support to others.


Not upset at all, I was just heavy sarcasm with the "Pot meet Kettle" scenario she is complaining about.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Update: 

I called it off. Can't do it. Fun dates (usually I make ALL the suggestions on what we should do) aren't enough anymore. There's a huge disconnect. The guy emotionally vacant and not ready to date. For instance, the wail of ambulance siren startles him. Every single time.

The age gap is another factor with him. The previous guy I dated was older too (57) but way easier to connect with it terms of likes and interests.

Geez, I should have listened to you guys. Great guy, yes, but not for me. He'll make another woman happy when he's ready. He's a good guy. 

Thank you all.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Update:
> 
> I called it off. Can't do it. Fun dates (usually I make ALL the suggestions on what we should do) aren't enough anymore. There's a huge disconnect. The guy emotionally vacant and not ready to date. For instance, the wail of ambulance siren startles him. Every single time.
> 
> ...


Well you took your time and now you know.

Don't worry there are plenty of other guys.

You haven't really experienced much in the last 10 years due to being married.

Take your time. Enjoy the process.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Update:
> 
> I called it off. Can't do it. Fun dates (usually I make ALL the suggestions on what we should do) aren't enough anymore. There's a huge disconnect. The guy emotionally vacant and not ready to date. For instance, the wail of ambulance siren startles him. Every single time.
> 
> ...


Just saying, the sudden sound of an ambulance startles me, too. How does that make someone emotionally vacant?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good decision.


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