# It hurts so bad!! and the images......



## atcdug (Oct 24, 2012)

Ok, Ive never posted to a forum before but everyone here seems so real and I really don't know what else to do! So here it goes...

Two years ago I got a divorce and I ended up starting to date a girl at work. After about 3 months we started having sex and the relationship grew to commitment. About 5 months into it, I started falling for her! Looking back on it now I don't know that she was as committed as I was but I didn't feel that way at the time. Things were going really well except the whole having to deal with the people at work who didnt like us together but thats beside the point. She tells me one day that she has to go back to Chicago (thats where she is from and all her family is there). She told me that she was going back for a baptism that her mom was insisting she be there for. About a week prior to that I felt like she was pulling away but I thought it was due to all the stress of job and I didn't think much of it. By this time we were practically living together. I didn't want her to go back but she said she had too. She had a pretty promiscuous past and I didnt want her seeing any of her old boyfriends. She promised me nothing was going to happen, that she was with me! So she left for the weekend.

For the whole weekend she wouldn't return calls or texts. She literally fell off the grid. Finally on the 3rd day she calls me and tells her to stop calling her. She wouldnt give me any reason and I was going crazy. I told her I Loved her and why she was doing this. She just wanted time alone. When she got back in town she took me to a resturant and dumped me. She told me that an old boyfriend was in "the picture". I asked her if they had sex and she said no! My heart was crushed!! Over the course of the next week, she would call me and dumb me, I kept going back. We started having sex again and I told her that she had to make a decision. She wasn't going to be with him and me. She kept saying that she was. After another week, she kept going back and forth. She wanted to be with me. She was waiting to see with him. Back and forth. 

Long story longer she called me after 2 1/2 weeks from dumping me and told me, the OM called and was interested in another girl. She called me and was crying and telling me she felt like a fool trusting him and allowing him back in her life. So we started seeing each other again. I told her that I would do it only if she told me the truth about everything and called him in my presence and terminated it forever. Never call her again. She did that and she changed cell phone numbers!

She was really in to me and eventually we moved in together about a month later. I couldn't let that weekend go and I wanted to know what happenend and she kept saying nothing until we had really bad fight and she finally told me that she did run into the OM that weekend and they had sex twice. I went crazy, got drunk, threw alot of things and left for a while. Then the images hit.. I had to know all the details.. It was crazy! It hurt so bad!! Never felt that before. After a little bit, I decided I wanted to be with her cause I loved her so much but she had to be totally truthful with me and completely transperant! Passwords, access to everything! She agreed. She was very remorseful!! She cried alot! So things kind of smoothed out. 

About a month later, I decided to check on her. So I went on her old phones website to look at her bills. She asked me what I was doing and I said I was checking up on her. She said that that phone was canceled and the bills are gone but I started checking anyway. When she saw that the old phone bills were still there she freaked out and said I have to tell you something and started crying. This is when I got my first taste of what you guys refer to as the trickle truth. She confessed that this OM texted her 2 weeks before that weekend and they started into I guess an EA. This guy dumped her a year before this and he just texted her out of the blue!! Phone sex, sexting, pics (eventhough she says no nude), the whole thing. They even set up that weekend! She stayed the whole weekend with him, every night! She told me all the details, I thought and said she only had sex with him 3 of the 4 nights. She said he used condoms and he even pulled out. I asked if she wanted a relationship with him and she said no. She said she never cared for him. She knew it wasnt going anywhere! on and on and on! As if I didn't think my heart could hurt any worse! She actually planned the whole thing kept it from me, I didn't even see it happening! I was so blind!! I was such a fool! She said she was confused about me because I had some baggage and was going through a D but she still wanted me and then he just popped into pic. 

After 3 weeks of detailed questioning. I decided I loved her to much to leave! and I insisted she get tested! About 6 weeks later, she comes to me crying and says she has to tell me something. She has Chlamydia!!! WTF!! After a huge fight she finally admits that he didnt use a condom and she actually ASKED him to cum in her! Her Rule is always use a condom, she even made me use one eventhough I hate them. She never laxed on that rule but with OM she asked him to cum in her with no condom!! OMG! I was crazed with hurt!! Talk about feeling betrayal, second choice and all that! Now I had to get tested! I made her call him, on speaker, and tell him to get tested! He ended up being positive also (he called me to tell me, I wouldn't let them talk). I loved her so we kept working on it, she was and is very remorseful!! 

She promised to answer all my questions. I couldn't get the images out of my head and I couldn't stop asking questions! Her answers kept changing though. They never where the same. It was totally frustrating. She always says she can't remember! She was always contradicting herself. Nothing ever made since. She would keep telling me an answer and after fighting about it she would fianally admit she remembered and was telling me a lie and confess to what really happened. (Appearantly the trickle truth)!! 

We have been doing this now for two years!! There would be days and even weeks when the "demons", thats what her and I refer to the images as, would not be so intense but everytime they got intense we would go through that process. Ask questions, her contradict what she told me previously and after fighting, her finally admitting to the truth!! She says she cant stop lying cause she is so afraid I am going to leave and I told her if she doesn't tell me the truth I will leave! 

In July I finally decided I cant live like this and I wanted a fresh start! So I asked her to marry me believing this would give me the strength to get images out of my head and her a reason to stop lying to me!! She accepted without me even getting it out of my mouth! But I just fooled my self! 

Here recently she has confessed to several things that she lied about and they keep getting bigger and bigger until just recently the TRUTH about why the cheating happened in the first place! The reason she never could figure out! She didn't know why! The reason I've been looking for and asking for! Up until now she has always relentlessly and without contradiction said she always wanted me and not him! That she believed she was looking for approval from him becuase he dumped her before that! The OM was just a confusion and homesick thing (because she missed Chicago)! There was never anything there and it was just a fling!! She always wanted me thats why she called me within a week of dumping me and kept calling me!

However, now she confessed that she actually had fallen for this OM the year previously and when he came back she wanted to give it another shot! She wanted to have a relationship with him and decided to go with him instead of me!! She even told him she loved him!!
My life just went to &%$*!! My heart hurts so bad that I can't stop crying!! I can't work! I haven't slept or eaten since she told me! With her lying, she took a strong, confident, secure man and over a period of two years turned him into an insecure, weak piece of crap!! Its not even about the affair anymore, its about trust and lying!! I don't know that I can trust her to tell me the truth at all!! If she would have told me the whole truth from the very beginning, we would have been able to deal with everything and hell maybe my demons would have been going away!! But just when I am excepting the lie as truth, she blows me out of the water with the truth and I have to deal with it all over again!! and then I don't trust her that the next thing she tells me is the truth!! She says she is sorry and is remorseful but she is so scared of losing me by telling me the truth!! 

Does this trickle truth ever stop??? Will she ever be able to tell me the truth??? I dont want to leave cause I'm madly in love but it maybe my only out of this madness!! Does the images ever go away?? Does it ever stop hurting?? She has my engagment ring! What do I do know?? I'm sorry this is so long and I sound like such a wimp!!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

You're not a "wimp". It takes some balls to post here and ask for help for a start.

Trickle truth is a sign of lack of remorse.

It is when the cheater decides that their feelings are more important than yours.

It is very common.

It is also difficult to show how important The Truth is without consequences.

Show her that her continued lying has consequences. Withdraw from her. Do "the 180". Tell her; it's The Truth or it's over.

I'm sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You sound like a really nice guy. And I think that's the problem.

I didn't read the whole thing (sorry, the wall of text is hard to read - maybe break it into paragraphs??) but it sounds to me like she is just using you whenever you're convenient. And she sounds like a total skank.

My advice is to drop her once and for all and don't look back. Work on becoming more assertive - the guys on here should have a few book recommendations about that. Something called No More Mr Nice Guy if I am not mistaken. Then in your next relationship (which WILL happen- she is NOT the love of your life, believe me!) you'll have a much better time and not feel like 'such a wimp'.

Some IC might be in order to, to work on your self esteem that this.......woman, and I use the term loosely, destroyed.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The only way to get rid of gangrene is to cut it off.
This woman is toxic and will end up consuming you and anything you have.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I am so sorry to read this. This girl.. She is not worth your time. You can vent to us as much as you need, because we're here to help. Just wanna let you know that.

Agreed with the other posters. Drop this chick. She's one of those chicks who goes after *******s and doesn't recognize a catch. How old are you guys?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

hookares said:


> The only way to get rid of gangrene is to cut it off.
> This woman is toxic and will end up consuming you and anything you have.


I hope you didn't actually get married and that she just accepted. This one is not a keeper move on!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How much pain are you willing to take?

If the love is real it will endure a separation. My advice is for you to separate from her for at least six months. Work on yourself only. Have no contact or very limited contact with her during that time.

Dont even think about her during that time See what happens.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> How much pain are you willing to take?
> 
> If the love is real it will endure a separation. My advice is for you to separate from her for at least six months. Work on yourself only. Have no contact or very limited contact with her during that time.
> 
> Dont even think about her during that time See what happens.


If it's your place give her a month to find some place else.


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## atcdug (Oct 24, 2012)

kipani said:


> I am so sorry to read this. This girl.. She is not worth your time. You can vent to us as much as you need, because we're here to help. Just wanna let you know that.
> 
> Agreed with the other posters. Drop this chick. She's one of those chicks who goes after *******s and doesn't recognize a catch. How old are you guys?


We have a pretty good gap between us! I am 46 and she is 32.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you know the answer but you too codependent on her. Get into some counseling.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

hookares said:


> The only way to get rid of gangrene is to cut it off.
> This woman is toxic and will end up consuming you and anything you have.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

atcdug said:


> We have a pretty good gap between us! I am 46 and she is 32.


She can not be honest with you and she justifies it with the standard cheaters script. 

"Didn't want to loose you so I lied" 
"Didn't want to hurt you"
"I was so ashamed"
"I was confused"
"I thought I loved him - but now I don't"

She still has not told you the entire truth.

The list goes on and on. 

The REAL reason is that she is a selfish, self entitled, dishonest, narcissistic, immature, manipulative person who has no empathy for you or the pain you feel. People like this do not change over night.

Truthfully (you are not going to like this) she is about 10 years too young for you. And that age gap is going to be more and more evident when you hit 50. I am betting that the Ex is close to her age. 

Not only did they not use a condom - it was her idea. But you never got that opportunity. That says a lot.

I am afraid if you marry her, she will destroy you all over again.


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## atcdug (Oct 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> you know the answer but you too codependent on her. Get into some counseling.


This is what I am worried about!! Im going to a counselor tomorrow!
Im hurting so bad right now, that when I read some of your stories like chris989, it makes me cry. I can relate so much to all of the hurt on this forum. This really sucks!!
I want to leave so bad but the thought of it makes me hurt worse!


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## atcdug (Oct 24, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> She can not be honest with you and she justifies it with the standard cheaters script.
> 
> "Didn't want to loose you so I lied"
> "Didn't want to hurt you"
> ...


I also believe there is more to the story or I am fully paranoid and not trusting. I dont know anymore! Funny you know all her statements.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

atcdug said:


> In July I finally decided I cant live like this and I wanted a fresh start! *So I asked her to marry me believing this would give me the strength to get images out of my head and her a reason to stop lying to me!! She accepted without me even getting it out of my mouth! But I just fooled my self! *


Sorry to read about your problem.
But this woman will NEVER CHANGE.

You made a huge mistake in marrying her, she cannot be fixed because she_ doesn't want to be fixed._

You think you are in love with her, but you are in hooked on the sex she gives you after every lie and act of betrayal.
She does not care for you because,
She has brought you to your knees.

So how much ore of her lies and cheating are you prepared to take?
Yes, she will cheat again.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You got played by a player. You seem like a good guy. Move the hell on and find a good woman and be happy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you with a person who so obviously cares so little about you and your emotions?

She cheated, lied, lied , exposed you to an STD.

You are nothing but the sound prize to this woman. Why why would you let yourself settle for someone who has no love and no respect for you?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

atcdug said:


> I also believe there is more to the story or I am fully paranoid and not trusting. I dont know anymore! *Funny you know all her statements*.


It's all been said before.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

atcdug said:


> Does this trickle truth ever stop??? Will she ever be able to tell me the truth??? I dont want to leave cause I'm madly in love but it maybe my only out of this madness!! Does the images ever go away?? Does it ever stop hurting?? *She has my engagment ring! What do I do know*?? I'm sorry this is so long and I sound like such a wimp!!




Take it out and put it in the closet and flush it.Tell her she also went along with the ring to the septic tank. Kick her out and find someone who is trust worthy, caring and loving.


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

Just joined and I never thought I'd say this twice in a day. But you aren't married to her, no kids, she lied over and over again, what's there to think about? Remove the title of gf over her, and analyze what she did. Is that the mother of your kids? (I know many people disagree with that rhetorical question)


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