# Before I Get Married...



## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

I have recently had this sick feeling in my gut that has not gone away. I have tried to sit on it, think about what actions I can take to feel more secure in myself and it is still there which makes me feel that this isn’t insecurity but intuition. I figured I would ask the stronger TAM intuition on this one especially since currently my work life has me so busy I have difficulty sorting my thoughts before having to go to bed at night.

The long backstory. 

I have been dating a man for almost 4 years. We are planning to get married, hence the title. Part of me wants to write about all the romantic parts of our relationship, how wonderful he is, but that is not what I am here for so I am going to write a really dry run through of what concerns me.

I am his first woman he has ever dated or slept with. I was 22 and he was 23 when we met and we started dating 2 years after that. I have been with other men before him either just as dating or sleeping. Low number, never did anything that crazy. When we first started to date I told him that I was not looking for a fling or even just a long term relationship but I was preparing for marriage. I told him specifically my concern that he was at a different stage of dating which is when you date around and get to understand your needs and the type of person you are looking for-basically short term relationships and flings. He continued to pursue me for almost 2 more years while we supported each other through major life gains and tragedies saying that he also wanted to marry me. I figured that 2 years was more than enough time to prove that he was serious and so we started dating.

Well during these almost 4 years I feel that what I was afraid of is happening.

We are an interracial couple. I am white with dark features. All of a sudden I start hearing comments about blonde women. Just to clarify because I know we all have different levels of comfort in our relationships. I am fine with him watching pornography and I understand that having fleeting desire upon seeing someone beautiful is normal and occasionally having a crush on someone else is normal as long as one understands that that is a fantasy and not something to be pursued. We even have gone to a strip club together and I paid for a private lap dance for the both of us. So these comments about blonde women didn’t bother me, at first. But they kept on coming and then he started to compare me. He started saying that I would be so much more beautiful if I was blonde, that I should dye my hair, that he would want to have so much more sex with me if I was blonde. It hurt, but more than that it made me ANGRY. I know there will always be someone more beautiful than me but I like the way I look and I want him to appreciate me as I am, not compare me and always find me short.

I confronted him, we almost broke up. We obviously didn’t. He apologized. He said that where he grew up blonde women were idolized and he feels “traumatized” by that. I told him that was bull**** and I could come up with any excuse for why I could find him lacking. He had gained 60 pounds by this point and I still found him just as beautiful but I could have decided that that was not good enough and start talking about how attractive I found muscular men. At some point love and attraction is a choice. He stopped talking about blonde women.

I shared a dream with him that we had sex in public. He latched really hard onto that, a lot more than I thought he would. He started asking when we would pay a hooker to watch us have sex, if I was telling my friends about the kind of sex we were having. I don’t mind talking dirty or even being open to trying things like that but it was just so quick and it felt like he was rushing me to it. And I really don’t like involving my friends into my sexual life. I told him and he said he understands that it felt too rushed. He sometimes still brings it up though when we have sex or are talking dirty to one another. It stops me cold at this point.

I shared with him an article from the Atlantic called "Why Happy People Cheat"

Because I have been feeling like I am losing against the fantasy in his head. I constantly desire and dream about him. I feel like there is a constant awkwardness from him about displaying such desire without having sex right after and he doesn’t initiate a lot of the “You are so beautiful” or sexual talk. Of course when we meet up he wants to have sex and it is good….but it still feels like he is desiring the good sex more than desiring to be with ME by having sex. I took the 5 love languages test a while back and for me touch/sex is the #1 way for me to experience love. Being desired and having someone in the moment with me. I feel like we are having good mechanical sex, but being in the moment….he says he is but I still feel that he would be more in the moment with someone else there or with someone else.

He asked if I was thinking of cheating I said no, but that I am afraid that sometimes I lose against the fantasy in his head. He didn’t respond for 5 minutes. I had to ask him to respond. He asked me, “Do you think another woman would ever desire me like that?” I said yes and that is why it is important for us to be aware. I went into how I felt like the original issue with our relationship was coming up, that he hadn’t been able to date around. I said I had gotten that out of my system. The conversation turned to how angry he was that I brought up being with other men which he constantly accuses me of wanting to return to. I have sung love songs to him and while singing it he says that I am thinking of other men. I told him I wasn’t thinking about other men that I was trying to explain my point about experience. He then said that I didn’t have empathy for him as a man that hasn’t had sex with other women. I told him I did but that we were looking to get married. That I had given him plenty of opportunity to not be with me and that he needed to be honest with me if this was something that he needed to do. I told him though that I was not going to wait around for him if that was the case. He told me to stay in the city that I am for another year instead of moving in with him and to really think about if we wanted to get married and that maybe we shouldn’t get married. He just stopped talking to me and hung up. 

I think I know the answer already to all of this but I want to know TAM’s opinion. And while many of you will say just leave, and I may have to do that, I want to know is there any type of counseling or such that anyone has found useful? I want to know that I have given it my all before walking away.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You BOTH are still VERY young. It would be wise to not rush into marriage.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How far apart do you two live from each other? 

Firstly, I don't know if I could get over anyone telling me they'd have sex with me more if I was blonde. 
Or someone who used my past as a way to think he missed out in some way. 

He seems to think sex with someone else would be a completely different experience. For the most part it's basically the same and he'd likely be disappointed. There's more you can do as a couple to make things different than random one night stands. 

He sounds to have a bit of a voyeur kink too. There's certainly things that can be tried to satisfy that but not unless you both feel safe and comfortable with your sex life as it is. 

But if he is in a place of wanting to try other women it's unlikely it'll just disappear. It doesn't sound like he's ready for marriage or even commitment at this stage.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

Spicy said:


> You BOTH are still VERY young. It would be wise to not rush into marriage.


I agree with you and understand about our youth (Both around 28). I honestly feel ready to settle down. I know that I am naive about a lot of aspects of marriage but I want to grow inside of a marriage. I don't find any interest in short term dating or even long term dating with an end goal. If it makes me look silly on these boards, I understand and will continue to accept criticism. 

I also am wondering if that means that you think we shouldn't be together and I should allow him to be free. The issue is not just marriage but him wanting to have sexual experiences with someone else other than me. I do not accept open relationships in marriage or in dating so regardless of whether or not we tie the knot, there is still a difference of desires/boundaries.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> How far apart do you two live from each other?
> 
> Firstly, I don't know if I could get over anyone telling me they'd have sex with me more if I was blonde.
> Or someone who used my past as a way to think he missed out in some way.
> ...


Upon reading your last sentence I both felt a sinking feeling and calm like "Yeah, that's it". I have had a very hard time with the blonde comments. As I said I understand attraction to others will happen, but it was the comparison of it. The message that I wasn't good enough. He consistently brings up my past which is a very normal past (only been with three men before him and they were boyfriend/girlfriend while in high school/college with a gradual degree of sexual comfort and exploration. 

I have talked to him about how I feel that the passion he believes he could have with someone else could be between us. I feel like we could be more creative, explore more, have a deeper level of intimacy and excitement. Not always, but I find it exciting to get to know him and see how he has changed over the years and explore that with him in sex. I actually would be more than ok with the voyeur kink and probably would have been the one setting up the experience he wanted....but he started talking up about blonde woman again, and then talking about being desired by another woman. That brought up the old hurt about comparisons and stopped me cold.

I know the relationship I want and I know I could put in the hard work (and genuine enjoyment) to be the kind of person I want to be in it. I feel like I am with him....I just don't think he can reciprocate and that is what hurts. 

I am kind of using you guys as a source of validation to consolidate my emotions and thoughts/ Has anyone successfully been able to navigate through this? I know a lot of it has to be him wanting to do so as well.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So, are you now 28?

My simple advice would be... you always watch a man's actions. You listen to his words but pay them little heed in comparison to what he does. So, if he says one thing, but acts in a way contrary to what he says, then believe the actions over the words.

This is about you, but personally, if my husband told me that he really wanted me to be a strawberry blonde instead of my current color, then I'd tell him to go be with a strawberry blonde. There are some people in this world who are unhappy with their own nature-given features, and THEY decide to modify themselves. That's different. I accept who I am and what I have and I would expect that my husband would accept these things about me as well, because he married me as I was.

I'm going to be honest here. Your fiance is definitely showing signs of wanting to have more experience. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd be very wary. You may find that years down the line, he is resentful that he married before having more experience under his belt.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You are in a good place mentally and emotionally to know what you want and what you don't want. 
I would just move on. As rough as it sounds you're wasting a lot of these important years with him when you could be spending the time finding someone more in line with what you want in a marriage. 

It's good to see the red flags now and not 10 years from now when it's harder to start over.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WhyHappyPeopleCheat said:


> I agree with you and understand about our youth (Both around 28). I honestly feel ready to settle down. I know that I am naive about a lot of aspects of marriage but I want to grow inside of a marriage. I don't find any interest in short term dating or even long term dating with an end goal. If it makes me look silly on these boards, I understand and will continue to accept criticism.
> 
> I also am wondering if that means that you think we shouldn't be together and I should allow him to be free. The issue is not just marriage but him wanting to have sexual experiences with someone else other than me. I do not accept open relationships in marriage or in dating so regardless of whether or not we tie the knot, there is still a difference of desires/boundaries.


28 is well old enough to get married, but there are so many red flags with this man. Part of the problem is his porn use and you doing things like paying for a woman to give a lap dance. Men who do these things will always be comparing their partners unfavorably. 

This idea that we must all have many partners to 'get it out of our system', is nonsense. My husband has never had sex with anyone except his former wife and myself, and I know many people in that position who are very happily married.

This man isn't marriage material the way he is right now, and clearly has thoughts of cheating.How do you know he isnt cheating right now? The fact that he doesn't want you to move near him is telling.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think you may be running into your first real-world experience with the difference between love and compatibility. It is possible to love someone that you just aren't compatible with and who won't end up being a good spouse for you. And, when you're young, it can be hard to see the difference between the two and what that really means for your relationship. 

You've been together for 4 years. And he wants to sleep with other women, prefers blondes to your own type, and isn't really sure he wants to marry you. The two of you seem to struggle a bit communicating effectively. You two have different boundaries. And do I correctly understand that you're long-distance? None of those are good things. And none of them describe a relationship that should be moving toward marriage. 

My take is that while he does want to date other women, he also wants to keep the security (and the sex) that your relationship provides him. So, essentially, he wants you to wait around for him - providing a safe place to land - just in case his new adventures don't work out. Saying you won't do that probably felt threatening to him. But, he also apparently lacks the honesty and emotional maturity to break up with you directly, so he's trying to get you to end it for him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. 

Do you really want to devote yourself to someone who sees you as an optional Plan B, only good to keep around in case he doesn't find something better? If you do, then I'd say you need to do some positive work on developing better self-esteem. Love yourself, and him, enough to be the mature partner here. Let him go. Find someone who wants all of you as you are, not someone who see's you as a backup plan or fallback position. You should be your husband's "amazingly, wonderfully, great", not his "good enough for now". You're not getting, and won't get, that from your current partner.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

These are all really good comments and I will get back to responding to those I haven't to already after I go out and run some errands. I do appreciate all the insight, tough love and compassion being displayed right now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you want my $0.02, marrying this man would be a mistake. I suspect he's not actually that into you, but is attached to you because you're his first sex and he's afraid he won't be able to find a woman he actually is into that is also into him. You may be nearly the same age, but when it comes to dating and mating he's years behind you in terms of experience and understanding. 

Before I married my exH I ignored my instincts and it turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

At the end of the day, this is your life, OP. There are many people who always want to make the "right" decision. They want to make a decision where they will have no regrets. I think that such a decision is rare. You will always choose "right", because it will always be right *at that time*. There is always the potential to have regrets, because as humans we typically play with the notion of "what if" or "if only" even when we know that things are final and will remain unchanged. Only you can decide if those regrets are going to hinder your personal progress/growth or simply be an accepted part of you that you carry with you on the life journey.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

WhyHappyPeopleCheat said:


> I confronted him, we almost broke up. We obviously didn’t. He apologized. He said that where he grew up blonde women were idolized and he feels “traumatized” by that. I told him that was bull**** and I could come up with any excuse for why I could find him lacking. He had gained 60 pounds by this point and I still found him just as beautiful but I could have decided that that was not good enough and start talking about how attractive I found muscular men. *At some point love and attraction is a choice. *He stopped talking about blonde women.


That's absolutely untrue. You can't control those and they change throughout a relationship. A more realistic goal is to work to keep attractive for each other and keep the love alive by continuously dating and romancing each other so that your feelings mature and grow. 

Instead of being upset by his fantasies, how about discussing them openly with him and in a non-judgmental manner. Obviously, there are some things that are bad ideas (like hiring a hooker), but there are ways to fantasize together without it actually involving going through with those bad ideas. If he feels attacked and forced to repress his feelings, he will be more likely to find someone else that is more open to them than you are. Maybe you aren't compatible, but maybe you just need better communication. I wouldn't throw in the towel at this point but I wouldn't rush to get married either until you have these issues figured out.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I don't see how his preference for you being blonde is any different that say, a spouse who wants their partner to lose weight. Yes, when they met you they were attracted to your look. **** changes. I don't see what's so bad about that? His comment about wanting to have sex with you if you were blonde was a little tart and insensitive, but I don't think it's because he finds you unattractive - it's more about the newness that would come with a different hair colour. What are your thoughts on going blonde? I say, tell him to pay the piper, lol. Going blonde is expensive. If he'd like to see the look on you he can pre pay an appointment somewhere.

I'm taking this issue at face value, however and assuming there are no real underlying issues and this is just a simple case of not feeling as desired as a woman would want. There's not shame in that. 

My husband is a touch sensitive about his height. He's 5'11, but refuses to admit it and says he's 6 feet. I'm 5'10'' so in a decent heel I'm taller than him. I just asked him to buy new boots that have a bit of a heel. One, they're sexy on men; two they give him a few inches and 3 he got new boots. Everyone wins, lol.

We have an issue with my hair colour, too. When we met I was brunette. Now I'm white blonde. He doesn't like it. Never has. Well, it's my hair. I do as I please. I'd like to please him, yes, but I'd like to please me, too. He asked if I'd ever go back to brunette recently and the answer is yes, it's just very exepensive to get a whole new set of extensions so I've been stalling. When I asked him if he wanted to pipe up and pay for my extensions suddenly the blonde is "OK," lol.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I get the feeling that she would be quite open to exploring fantasies if there wasn't the level of doubt of him wanting someone different. 

Fantasies should be meant to enhance a solid sexual relationship. Adding them to something shaky isn't always a good idea.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WhyHappyPeopleCheat said:


> I have recently had this sick feeling in my gut that has not gone away. I have tried to sit on it, think about what actions I can take to feel more secure in myself and it is still there which makes me feel that this isn’t insecurity but intuition. I figured I would ask the stronger TAM intuition on this one especially since currently my work life has me so busy I have difficulty sorting my thoughts before having to go to bed at night.
> 
> The long backstory.
> 
> ...


You already know the answer. YOu are not that young, must be in your late 20"s? If you are both still unsure of your relationship at this juncture after 2 years of knowing one another and another 4 years of being together. I would suggest you take a break for 6 months to a year and see how you feel about each other after that. If you can live without each other then maybe it is not meant to be?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I have to admit that this is EXACTLY why I would never date (or God forbid _marry_) a virgin. And I say this all the time because of what you're dealing with. Because once they get a taste of what they were missing all this time, eventually, most of them will want to branch out and see what it's like with someone else because they never got to experience that before committing to you. No thank you. Virgins are a losing bet in my book.

If a man has gotten to the age of 25 and is *still* a virgin and hasn't even DATED, I highly doubt it's because he's planning on becoming a Monk. No, if he got to be 25 and never even went on a date, then he either looks like The Hunchback of Notre Dame or he's a complete social misfit.

So you get together with him and he finally gets to see what sex is all about. Once he gets over that hurdle and he now knows what he'd been missing because he was too much of chicken**** to have sex all those years, all of a sudden Studly McStud has a sudden hankering for blonds. It's quite amusing that he gained 60 pounds yet he felt he could put YOU down for not being a blond and kept trying to convince you to dye your hair because he'd give you '_so much more sex_.' What a joke. Then the miscreant is looking for all kinds of other crap including hookers and getting off on the thought of you having detailed conversations with your friends about having sex with him (trust me, they *don't* want the mental images of your overweight social misfit having sex - I promise you they don't.)

Your worst mistake was ever giving this guy the time of day. *WORST* mistake. Look, I'm not going to lie to you. You are clearly looking through the eyes of love and think he's 'beautiful' and all that, but that's probably just *your* perception, not everyone else's. But he'll still be able to find a woman who'll have him because there are plenty of women out there who just aren't that particular about looks or physique at closing time, and will have managed to drink him pretty by 1:00 am. So it could happen under the right circumstances.

It sounds to me as though you were really just the one to break the ice for him and now he suddenly thinks he might be able to do better. He's SUCH a freakin douche bag. I'd be only too happy to boot his ass to the curb and let him go fly his freak flag with someone else. Stop wasting your time on this science experiment.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My mistake, I had it in my head that you were both early 20s. I would never accept an open relationship either. I think your fears are well founded, and you should set him free since he so badly wants to experience other flavors. 



WhyHappyPeopleCheat said:


> I agree with you and understand about our youth (Both around 28). I honestly feel ready to settle down. I know that I am naive about a lot of aspects of marriage but I want to grow inside of a marriage. I don't find any interest in short term dating or even long term dating with an end goal. If it makes me look silly on these boards, I understand and will continue to accept criticism.
> 
> I also am wondering if that means that you think we shouldn't be together and I should allow him to be free. The issue is not just marriage but him wanting to have sexual experiences with someone else other than me. I do not accept open relationships in marriage or in dating so regardless of whether or not we tie the knot, there is still a difference of desires/boundaries.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

@MJJEAN ;


MJJEAN said:


> If you want my $0.02, marrying this man would be a mistake. I suspect he's not actually that into you, but is attached to you because you're his first sex and he's afraid he won't be able to find a woman he actually is into that is also into him. You may be nearly the same age, but when it comes to dating and mating he's years behind you in terms of experience and understanding.
> 
> Before I married my exH I ignored my instincts and it turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.


My ONLY regret is that I could only click the "like" button on this post *once*.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*IF* you decide to stay...buy a blonde wig.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

JMO - your fiancé doesn't really know how to express his feelings, because this is his 1st relationship. This makes things awkward, as he is giving you everything in his head at that moment (giving you too much fantasy detail) or not enough (you feeling he wants sex, but not just sex with you). I think this communication issue is making things worse than they really are.

I think that if you consider staying engaged, you may want to consider MC. It may help you both figure out where you should be headed.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

Spicy said:


> *IF* you decide to stay...buy a blonde wig.


Haha I am glad it ended on this post to give me a laugh.



> My simple advice would be... you always watch a man's actions. You listen to his words but pay them little heed in comparison to what he does. So, if he says one thing, but acts in a way contrary to what he says, then believe the actions over the words.
> 
> This is about you, but personally, if my husband told me that he really wanted me to be a strawberry blonde instead of my current color, then I'd tell him to go be with a strawberry blonde. There are some people in this world who are unhappy with their own nature-given features, and THEY decide to modify themselves. That's different. I accept who I am and what I have and I would expect that my husband would accept these things about me as well, because he married me as I was.
> 
> I'm going to be honest here. Your fiance is definitely showing signs of wanting to have more experience. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd be very wary. You may find that years down the line, he is resentful that he married before having more experience under his belt.





> My take is that while he does want to date other women, he also wants to keep the security (and the sex) that your relationship provides him. So, essentially, he wants you to wait around for him - providing a safe place to land - just in case his new adventures don't work out. Saying you won't do that probably felt threatening to him. But, he also apparently lacks the honesty and emotional maturity to break up with you directly, so he's trying to get you to end it for him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy.





> You are in a good place mentally and emotionally to know what you want and what you don't want.
> I would just move on. As rough as it sounds you're wasting a lot of these important years with him when you could be spending the time finding someone more in line with what you want in a marriage.


Before I respond I want to say I read through everyone else's responses and they have all been well thought out and productive. I highlighted these as the main points to summarize all that has been said.

He does want the security. I have thought that many times. I don't want to be the old woman though. I want to be desired. I also do not want to be the source of resentment which is why I talked to him beforehand about him dating other women before pursuing a relationship with me. I didn't quote it but you are right, at a certain point I am now letting him know he can disrespect me and that is being disrespectful to myself. No matter how many conversations we have that doesn't translate to actions or taking responsibility. I have let him off the hook with that. I don't want to modify myself. I like myself. I am not perfect but I keep in good shape, run every day, go to the gym, have a nice butt, thin waist, brush my teeth. Nothing that should be difficult for anyone or give anyone a reason to "overlook" something especially something as silly as having darker hair. 

Also yes, I would be open for sexual experimentation, in fact I crave that desire from him. I crave that want to grow and understand each other more in all ways including sex. But I feel like I am almost friendzoned in my own relationship being the nice girl hearing from the man of her dreams about other people. Doesn't stir up a lot of desire.

I know what I have to do. I already told him that I am going to call him after his work today. I plan to tell him exactly what it is that I need from a relationship. It won't be aggressive. If he honestly needs to explore other relationships that is on him but he can't have his cake and eat it too. He needs to be honest with me that he isn't ready for marriage while I am and if he can't be upfront during the conversation with me that is the same answer but with the added bonus of being less honest. I don't want to waste these years on a no where relationship. Its time to stop trying to fix it with conversations and be more mature and be ready for the consequence of losing him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a African descendant, cultural phenomenon in the West...maybe the world.

When you came into his life you 'awakened' the Rooster in him. You puffed up a fragile man.

The man is extremely insecure. He is ashamed and embarrassed of his color, his race. Do not expect him to admit this.
This is a very common occurrence in Black men....
Black women experience similar feelings. It usually shows up as anger and distaste for anything white.

He does not feel complete, a real man, one universally accepted.
He got over the hump by having you as his lover.

He is still not inflated. He needs a white gal with Blonde Hair. Then he is Home. He is complete.
Not a Wooden Man but a Real Man. 

Being Black in a White/Asian world is tough on Egos.

Pornography is exasperating this tendency for Black guys to have young beautiful blonde women.
Is is a shame. Black women are beautiful and very feminine.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He sounds like a bad choice to me.

Lack of partners isn't the problem. Lack of emotional maturity is.

He needs to kick his own ass into shape as well.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> This is a African descendant, cultural phenomenon in the West...maybe the world.
> 
> When you came into his life you 'awakened' the Rooster in him. You puffed up a fragile man.
> 
> ...


This is something I admit to being niave to. I do hear about his experiences and he was made fun of by people in his own race for having less white features. It is easy for me to say that it doesn't affect his beauty or that it shouldn't but I haven't lived it. I have asked him, what can a blonde woman do for you that I can't? 

But I think you are touching on something deeper here and something he doesn't want to explain to me or doesn't understand it as clearly as you do.

Black/brown women are very beautiful and very feminine. I also do hate the white women are best worship too. Even as a white woman I still am not white enough it seems.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

naiveonedave said:


> JMO - your fiancé doesn't really know how to express his feelings, because this is his 1st relationship. This makes things awkward, as he is giving you everything in his head at that moment (giving you too much fantasy detail) or not enough (you feeling he wants sex, but not just sex with you). I think this communication issue is making things worse than they really are.
> 
> I think that if you consider staying engaged, you may want to consider MC. It may help you both figure out where you should be headed.


I am sorry I skipped over you. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

I think this is a really good point. I have had experiences that have taught me conflict resolution strategies and I have taught my current boyfriend the same but he is still learning a lot of it. He probably doesn't know how to express his feelings appropriately. I told him at some point that he needed to stop talking to me like I was a male friend about his sexual desires and talk to me more like a girlfriend. He did feel that that was a big issue in his communication from before. 

We have talked about the communication error. He tells me that the way I am describing how I feel about how he treats me is not the way he feels about me. I told him that he is right I cannot know what he feels but I can only know from his words and actions. Those have been telling me I am second best for a while now.

I was just telling my sister the other day that I think MC would be the only way to get past all of this at this point. It is hard to be a part of the relationship and be the objecive observer at the same time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You can help a man over a hill.

Your' back is not strong enough to carry him over a mountain.

A mountain that is thousands of years in the making.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

To me, your description paints him as a man who is content enough with the relationship, but not hot for it. He sounds very 'meh' to me & when you want to be desired above all others, meh doesn't make the grade.

If you marry him, you're starting out with serious problems, which doesn't seem like the best recipe for a successful marriage.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> This is a African descendant, cultural phenomenon in the West...maybe the world.
> 
> When you came into his life you 'awakened' the Rooster in him. You puffed up a fragile man.
> 
> ...


Hahaha wonderful generalisations there.

Why not single it out to this particular man not the entire/most race in general.

The man like blondes and hookers, he's a bit immature mentally, a nice guy who ultimately because of those tendencies tries to manipulate and badger when he doesn't get his way. This transcends race, it's mainly a male thing but again not using your sweeping generalisations not all men are like this.

Just saying.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Seems like you have your answer. We are a bitter crowd and can't imagine people encouraging marriage without complete certainty. All I can offer is red flags from my relationship that I ignored.

1) our lives were centered around him. We listened to his music, spent time with his friends. This only became worse through the years. 

2) we had a fight during the engagement and I realized he wasn't too interested in making me happy for the wedding. It was about what would make him happy and if he didn't get his way he became silently offended. Later he would bring this up for years as an example of me not loving him enough. 

3) I had an intuition that I could not explain. I remember talking to a friend because I thought I should break up with him. It was my first relationship and I could not put my finger on what the problem was so I didn't call it off. My H could always manipulate me when we were together into believing we were good and doubts would creep up when I was alone. Those were the red flags before marriage. I was 19 and don't think I was in touch with my own feelings. Lots of red flags continued after marriage. When problems came up he would not cope well. I would feel pressure to fix it for him/protect him from problems like money. Was this from him or something driven by me, who knows? 

4) He needed to buy new stuff to feel happy. If he needs more stuff to be happy, watch out. We spend (I spent) lots of money to buy him "toys" to keep him happy yet this didn't work for long. 


Best of luck!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> Hahaha wonderful generalisations there.
> 
> Why not single it out to this particular man not the entire/most race in general.
> 
> ...


OK.

Fair enough. What I wrote is painful. To write, to read. Life can be cruel.

Over generalized. But common.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> This is a African descendant, cultural phenomenon in the West...maybe the world.
> 
> When you came into his life you 'awakened' the Rooster in him. You puffed up a fragile man.
> 
> ...


Wow....spot on in a lot of ways. Somewhat describes me.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> OK.
> 
> Fair enough. What I wrote is painful. To write, to read. Life can be cruel.
> 
> Over generalized. But common.


Not painful at all and not common. Just factually wrong, that's all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BobSimmons said:


> Not painful at all and not common. Just factually wrong, that's all.


Fair enough.
In your' view, from your' perspective.

Not from my observations, my one-on-one experiences, in the military, in male dominated heavy industry.
I was always the Father Confessor, the confidant, to my co-workers, my subordinates.

And I am very observant, and extremely intuitive. I sense things that go over the heads of most mortals.

And yes, I can be wrong. If I am wrong in this being 'common', I would be happy...happier!

My fear? I have struck a painful chord in you. Or, it is one of those things that is too painful to admit.

Just Sayin'


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WhyHappyPeopleCheat said:


> So these comments about blonde women didn’t bother me, at first. But they kept on coming and then he started to compare me. He started saying that I would be so much more beautiful if I was blonde, that I should dye my hair, that he would want to have so much more sex with me if I was blonde. It hurt, but more than that it made me ANGRY. I know there will always be someone more beautiful than me but I like the way I look and I want him to appreciate me as I am, not compare me and always find me short.
> 
> I confronted him, we almost broke up. We obviously didn’t. He apologized. He said that where he grew up blonde women were idolized and he feels “traumatized” by that. I told him that was bull**** and I could come up with any excuse for why I could find him lacking. He had gained 60 pounds by this point and I still found him just as beautiful but I could have decided that that was not good enough and start talking about how attractive I found muscular men. At some point love and attraction is a choice. He stopped talking about blonde women.


This right here is more than enough for you to ditch his ass... what a jerk. Any man that is going to compare you like this to other women and not appreciate you as you are is NOT a worthy partner. You dont need anything more than this to justify NOT continuing on with this man. (and yes, there IS more as well)


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Couples counseling would be a good way to grow even if your relationship ends. Hopefully he will grow with the therapy too. 

Be prepared to having to take your time to find a good fit though. A good fit will be like and old, comfortable pair of shoes. A good therapist will feel like those comfy shoes you don't toss because they feel so good no matter how worn out. Lol

In all honesty, your relationship is already far from right; and I don't think time or therapy, or anything for that matter, will change that outcome. You will still learn and grow regardless.


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

So I avoided this thread for a bit as I felt it would lead me to ruminate on the conversation I had. Instead I spent most of my time working on things I needed to have done and taking care of myself by going to the gym, seeing friends and mostly being with my sister who knows exactly what I need at this time. 

I told him about all the hurt that has accumulated over the years and that I am now ready to walk away if it doesn't change. His words to me were "I'm listening" "I know I haven't been the best boyfriend" and "what can we do to make it better". I said I am willing to work with him but the basics I can't teach him. It has to come from an orientation to me and to life. I said I know I am not perfect and I don't expect that from him but the way it is going has made me feel numb. I told him I care about him but I don't feel romance anymore.

We had a second conversation later (he is traveling in and out of the country for work right now) It was more in depth and I went through all the grievances I wrote on this forum. He told me he understands why I felt hurt but he did try to wave off the comments about blonde women by saying "I didn't say that". I told him even if I am not getting the exact wording, I am telling you the message and type of comments you were saying to me for months. He then accepted it and said he understands that even if he didn't intend to hurt me it hurt me still. He said he doesn't feel that way anymore and finds me beautiful. I said I don't trust that since so much more time was spent on comparing me. I will just say It is very strange overcoming an EA from a woman who only exists in his head. Things aren't as concrete and a lot of it is just me telling him the messages he was sending to me instead of concrete actions he took that betrayed me. Sometimes a concrete action would be easier to deal with...has anyone else been through an EA and understand what I am talking about?

Right now what do I want to do? I want to make each decision based off of my values and from a strong position. When I groveled to him about being second best compared to other women that came from a place of fear. I don't want to break up with him or make any decision based off of fear right now. To do that I feel like I have to get back to myself back to what I enjoy back to my dreams. Just doing the things I have been enjoying without feeling like a lesser woman or worrying about him already feels better. I know a lot of people on this forum are pushing to break up with him right now and I understand that. But I think there is a step before that which is returning to myself. If I were to act now it would be from a place of lower emotions and I don't think it would last.

In the meantime I can assess if he actually is acting on his word and see how I feel about it not just how I think I should feel or what I think is fair. I want to know how I feel about it. I can have a clearer head about assessing genuine change in this opportunity. Do I want this opportunity? No but here it is.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Just give him this one last chance if you want. Saying the words is far easiler than doing the action. If he's not willing to put in the effort - then you have your answer.

The "blonde" thing is a bit of an oddity. Then again, a lot of guys have lusts for blondes. I actually do not, but I have dated some here and there. I have a thing for Asian women, always have since puberty. I've dated / had Asian GF a few times in my life. I married a white woman with dark features. She knows I still look. We were at an Asian spa (can hold over 1000+ guest easily) and she noticed a young Asian women in a sexy swim suit - yep, I noticed her too. So we talked about it. It doesn't matter, I simply did not fall in love and marry an Asian girl. It was never a requirement. Besides, I thought my wife looked quite hot at the spa as well.

Your BF is immature in many ways. And yeah, its even understandable that he wants to play the field a bit more and yet still have you as others have already stated. So it might be healthy for the two of you to take a 3-6 month break from each other and see if the desire to be a couple is stronger than dating/having sex with other people.

Things to consider.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> This is a African descendant, cultural phenomenon in the West...maybe the world.
> 
> When you came into his life you 'awakened' the Rooster in him. You puffed up a fragile man.
> 
> ...


I seriously disagree. And there really isn't much black culture in someone born in America. The music/gantsta stuff makes money from the white music fans anyway.
The race part is a minimal problem with this situation and the OP isn't bringing that up. He's fragile due to being a virgin for a long time and still immature in many ways.

Really not sure where you get this "embrassament of his color" - that kind of talk seems to come from someone who doesn't know what he's talking about. In the USA, there *IS* white privilage. This includes things like NOT getting killed by cops even when you are holding guns vs a black person without weapons. There is the hundreds of years of suppression of people based off the color of their skin and more. I've not EVER met a black person who was ashamed of their skin. But its harder on life to be attacked and villainized by bigots.

Blonde women? Hell, that is MOST MEN. Interacial porn? Much of those viewers are white men.

I've dated, had sex and relationships with ALL colors of skin. I am friends with all colors and cultures. A jerk in one country is still a jerk in any country or culture.
One of my good friends is a white male and he dates/relationship with black women 9 to 1 (1 being white, hispanic, asian, etc). That's his thing.

As a man who is NOT white. I did not fall in love with my wife and have a child because she was WHITE. She is not my trophy. Hell, she's a bit of a *******/country girl. Weeks before we met, she was assulted by a black guy (ugh) - but it had nothing to do with race. Her niece is in a relationship with a young black man.

We're all human. Only thing in this country - that I know of... is that there are some white people, who are idiot bigots who think I and others should have less rights (not equal rights) for whatever bone-head reason they pull out their rear or read on a MEME on facebook.

I personally don't care for the rap/gangsta industry but in reality, its no worse or better than country music. Its about sex, drinking/drugs, cars (or truck).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TaDor said:


> I seriously disagree. And there really isn't much black culture in someone born in America. The music/gantsta stuff makes money from the white music fans anyway.
> The race part is a minimal problem with this situation and the OP isn't bringing that up. He's fragile due to being a virgin for a long time and still immature in many ways.
> 
> Really not sure where you get this "embrassament of his color" - that kind of talk seems to come from someone who doesn't know what he's talking about.


Hmmm?


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## WhyHappyPeopleCheat (Sep 7, 2017)

TaDor said:


> Just give him this one last chance if you want. Saying the words is far easiler than doing the action. * If he's not willing to put in the effort - then you have your answer.*
> 
> The "blonde" thing is a bit of an oddity. Then again, a lot of guys have lusts for blondes. I actually do not, but I have dated some here and there. I have a thing for Asian women, always have since puberty. I've dated / had Asian GF a few times in my life. I married a white woman with dark features. She knows I still look. We were at an Asian spa (can hold over 1000+ guest easily) and she noticed a young Asian women in a sexy swim suit - yep, I noticed her too. So we talked about it. It doesn't matter, I simply did not fall in love and marry an Asian girl. It was never a requirement. Besides, I thought my wife looked quite hot at the spa as well.
> 
> ...


Wonderful words. I think that is the heart of where we are at right now and to me a break seems the healthiest. As I said earlier, I care for him but I feel numb romantically. He obviously has desires I cannot fulfill but he still wants to be with me which is painful for the both of us. A break may end up becoming permanent but the last thing I want to do force myself or him to be in a relationship that is going nowhere and not allowing either one of us to grow. 

I think that right now I am just returning to myself before I make that decision. I am tired of reacting and want to respond.

I also read your other post about race and a lot of those ideas have been bouncing around in my head and I agree with a lot of them.

To let you all know he isn't black he is Latino. There is a very strong racial degeneration of all things brown and "native" where he is from and the whiter members of society receive better jobs are considered more beautiful. Whiteness is praised especially blonde hair. A lot of what SunCMars resonated for me. But a lot of what you have written as well resonated for me as well. Race is infinitely complex and seen through many prisms and obviously many of those are damaging. He looks more "native" (having the hooded eyes and broader nose) and has always been told and thought of those features as ugly. He has admitted to me that blonde women are talked about in very sexual terms and men who sleep with a blonde women were talked about as being more masculine. That is why he said "trauma" as he himself never felt like a man who could get those type of women due to his "native" looks. And that is why SunCMars comment made sense to me. Your comments make sense to me from an American perspective. 

At the end between us it should not have mattered but it has.

I do appreciate people commenting on this thread. I will be a bit boring and just focus on myself for the next few days and probably not update (I will respond) and then when I am ready to move forward I will return.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My advice is simple. Do not marry someone who you are unsure if they love you above all others. Your boyfriend is not showing himself to be marriage material. Marriage is about being in unity and completely having each other's backs. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has your back.
28 is not "very young." You are wasting your time with him. If you want to get married and have a family, do not spend another minute with this man. Cut him lose to find his blond woman and to have sex in front of other people. His focus isn't on you. His focus is on his penis and who and what he can do with it. He doesn't sound that into you personally, just as a toy.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

That sounds good WhyHappyPeopleCheat .

His issues with his skin and the "blonde hair" women among him and his friends or whatever = imature and superficial. 

A waste of anyone's time.


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