# Is there ever a good time to ask?



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The holidays are here, and I'm still dealing with the consequences of my affair. I'm finally tired of being stuck and worrying about the future, and I need to make a clear and sound decision as to whether I really do love my wife, or am I doing it out of obligation and guilt only. I refuse to have her worrying about my status much longer. It's nor fair to her, and I'm tired of it. While I work on this issue, I have a question.

In the event that I end up deciding that I want to divorce, and given the time of year, is there a better time to ask for a divorce? I don't want to ruin the holidays, or any other special days. But it seems like every month there is something "special" occurring. 

What's the best way to ask? She has forgiven me, and is in love with me. She is begging me to not leave. I don't hate her. I care for her, but the passion is gone. And "NO!", I would not be leaving her for the OW. That's over!

I'm asking so that I can use the information in the making of a decision. I need to understand the full impact it will have upon my wife and adult kids. I clearly understand that there is no "good" ways or days to ask, but there are "better" ways and days to ask. 

Again, I have not made a decision. I have more soul searching to do, and information gathering about my options and the consequences.


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## Anonymoose24 (Nov 28, 2011)

I don't think there is a good time. I'm planning on asking a week or two after the holidays. We're going to be spending time with both of our families and I don't want to have to force him to either a) tell his parents or b) pretend that everything is okay. I would wait longer after the hols just to make sure that he doesn't immediately associate Christmas with "when his ex-wife broke up with him" but he's in grad school now and I want to do it over the break with a week or two before he needs his full concentration for classes again. Also, my birthday is Jan. 15th and I want to do it before then... I don't know if I could survive through how nice he'll be on that day. I feel guilty enough, ya know? I don't want to be selfish and do it after my birthday.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry to confuse you with me post name of Hertoo, I'm a male. I used that name when I learned that my wife had a brief PA (kissing only) some years past.

I agree that after the holidays would be best. I would feel bad regardless. You should avoid your birthday. Hopefully he isn't already planning something.

If you were on the receiving end after 30 years of marriage, how would you prefer to be asked? I know, stupid question. But I had to ask. She said that she would die if I left her. I don't believe that at all. She's a strong woman.


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## emotionless (Oct 25, 2011)

I had an EA/PA earlier this year. We have spent the past several months in a situation very similar to yours (I have been following these boards since September, my D-day. 

My H has professed his love and forgivenss many times, I have maintained NC, and fully disclosed everything, but struggle daily with whether or not I can be the person he wants me to be.

We have been married over 20 years and have 2 children, youngest is a senior in high school. The kids and most of our family are aware of what we're working through.

I finally decided that I would wait until the holidays, move out and ask for a divorce. Did not want to disrupt anyone's life any more than necessary at this time of year. 

Thanksgiving was uncomfortable for everyone - trying to pretend things are ok, chosing words carefully so as not to offend anyone or have something misinterpreted, the normal interaction among all family members was slightly strained. Overall the day was good, but the underlying tension was always there. I couldn't bare to pretend, or go through the motions, for the rest of the holiday season. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone.

Last night I asked for a divorce and left the house. 

Today, taking things one day at a time has taken on a whole new meaning, but I think it was the best choice for me and my family.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@emotionless: 

How did you ask?

How are your kids taking it?

Who else knows of your EA/PA?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is never a "good time" to ask for a divorce. Those words cut like a knife, no matter what day/month/time of the year.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Jelly: If I remember correctly, you kicked your H out after his EA. Did you still have to ask for a divorce?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I didn't kick him out. I moved out. He filed for divorce.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm sorry.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Its ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## emotionless (Oct 25, 2011)

HerToo said:


> @emotionless:
> 
> How did you ask?
> 
> ...



We had a very long talk on Saturday where I expressed all of the doubt I had about myself and being able to commit fully to the relationship. That night, I left the house and stayed with a friend. 
Sunday night, we had another long talk - this one honestly didn't go very well - but in the end, we agreed that it was time for both of us to move on.

The kids are taking it pretty well. They have told both of us that they love us, will not take sides, and will support us as individuals. I expect this will have it's ups and downs, especially over the next couple of months, but they have lived through a lot before the A and they were both already quite aware that things were headed this way - I think they knew it long before either of us did.

My parents, both of our siblings, our kids and most of our closest friends know of the EA/PA - all have been supportive to both of us so far - and claim that they will continue to be regardless of whether we reconcile or not.

I tried to get my H to this site a while ago - spent so much time reading and wishing he could/would go something similar to 180 - he was so quick to jump to forgiveness - and didn't really want to tell anyone at first - really just wanted to sweep it under the rug and go on as if nothing ever happened. 

I was so worried about him and his feelings that I couldn't even begin to think about what I wanted. It was some very harsh comments to an original thread that I posted here (since deleted) that really made me realize I would have to make him "let me go" 

Today he is very angry - emotions are catching up to him and he's letting it all out, but I believe this is best for both of us in the long run.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thank you for the reply. Did you two go to MC at all?

Your "jump to forgiveness" hits home with me. I feel it was way too easy, and almost a "I don't care" type of move in a twisted way. I also wish for the 180 - for my wife and me to recover in some way no matter where this ends up.

Do you have any "love life" plans or ideas as of yet?

Will the divorce be amicable?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

HT, do you think that your wife's reaction is due to her own affair? How did you handle her affair?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HT-- No divorce is "amicable." Also, what do you mean "do you have any love life plans/ideas?" 

Generally, it's not wise to be making future love life plans/ideas when you are going through the trauma that is a divorce.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Karole: Her brief encounter occurred when a guy was flirting with her while she was out of town for a special event for a best friend. Naturally, she liked the attention. When she didn't ask him to stop flirting, he took it as a sign to make a move to kiss her. He then proposed sex. She states that she rejected him firmly. I can't say for sure if she did or not. So I decided to believe her. I asked her for details. She repeats the same story each time.

@Jelly: By "amicable", I mean that lawyers were not used. For example, there are web sites where you can get a divorce for a few hundred dollars if the two parties agree on everything. As for "love life plan/ideas", does she think she will seek a new partner after a period of time has passed. I agree that it's not a good idea to plan anything. But some do think about it as a long-term need to be fulfilled at a later date.


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## emotionless (Oct 25, 2011)

@HT 

We did not do any MC - H does NOT believe in counselors. I have looked into IC, but will wait until after the first of the year due to insurance coverage issues.

I have no love life plans for the future - right now, I look at the future and am OK with the idea of being alone. I have a good support system of family and friends and do not fear being lonely.

Will the divorce be amicable? I'm certain it will not. I am the "breadwinner" in our family, so to speak, he is extremely hurt, and he will take me for everything that he can. 

I am OK with that, too, as the A was my doing. Regardless of any other issues we had, he deserved better and I didn't give it to him. I know that I can't give him what he needs in the form of reconciliation, so in the divorce, I will give him just about anything if it will help him move forward.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are in a similar situation. 

I also believe that what happens because of my A was my doing. I strongly believe my wife deserves better. I am also the majority "breadwinner". She is afraid that if I leave, she will be broke and homeless. There is no way I would let that happen. 

As far a support system for me, I have a family member who "might" let me stay with them for a few days. I'd still need to find a place on my own. My two friends are in different states. It would be rough. But I'd make it.

Would it be okay if I sent you a private message?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

There is never a good time to ask for a divorce. 

But at least the betrayed party can finally start to move on with their lives in both of the cases mentioned on here.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm aware that there never is a "good" time. But there are some "better" times to ask.


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## emotionless (Oct 25, 2011)

@HT yes, feel free to PM me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you need out do it now. Don't string your wife along with false hopes thinking the both of you are gonna work on it. It's cruel and that's even worse than just D from her.

Just plainly state that your mind just isn't into the marriage anymore and that it's probably best the 2 of you separate and divorce instead of you pretending to go along for the ride until you get the balls to do it.

IMO, I think you have wanted out of your marriage for a while, the EA happened and you were hoping she would kick you to the curb. She didn't and now you're stuck in this self pity mode.

It's never easy but if you truly love her then you'll either get off your ass and get back into repairing the marriage or have the balls to tell her it's over and you both need to move on your own way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with CH. It sounds like you have wanted out for awhile. Do not string someone along who loves ypu. Worst possible thing ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm out of the self pity mode, finally. Now I'm on to learn more about me, and "us". Perhaps I have been wanting out of the marriage, but why? I can't answer that clearly. 

And do I really want out, or do I want changes for the better in our marriage? I don't know that answer either. But at this point, I am assuming that I want to stay married.

I'm not intentionally stringing anyone along. As long as I'm working on this issues, I'm staying with my wife by my decision and her desire as well. We have discussed this. Yes, she does feel like she's walking on egg shells. And I want that to stop. But I don't know how to stop it yet. In the meantime, I'm working on it. 

In the CWI forum, I posted that I'm an anal planner for everything. So I'm exploring every possibility to learn about every possible road I could end up on. The more information I have about what could happen and the consequences, the better prepared we are. 

Emotionless took a possible step that I might end up doing. So I need to learn as much as I can about that process. I'm also learning so much form others on this board about reconciliation. 

My final decision will be made based on facts and reality. Of course, this all assumes my wife doesn't change my address to "The Curb" before I get there. She has options too.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

HerToo said:


> My final decision will be made based on facts and reality.


This is marriage - not a science experiment! Facts? Twelve inches in a foot. Does that help? Didn't think it would...

Reality? Yours - hers - or someone else's?

You say that she loves you...but how do you really feel about her?

I still love the notion that Love is a VERB. If you "Want" to Love your wife - then go and Love her. Do kind things for her - hold her hand - make her smile.

If you've done all of these things and more - and you still don't feel it - then let her know everything you are feeling and start making preparations to leave. The two of you can - together - decide how to handle the holidays. 

She's an adult. It will hurt - but she'll be fine.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

the next time you're at the mall, get in the car first. lock the doors, open the window a crack and say "where da f^ck you goin? we're done and I want a divorce." then drive off.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm still to confused about what I did and why. Those are the facts I'm looking for. I will not give up on my marriage with thoughts of "what if I did this or that?". 

Yes, my head is still up my rear. I'm looking to pull it out and do the right thing, whatever that is.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

HerToo said:


> I'm still to confused about what I did and why. Those are the facts I'm looking for. I will not give up on my marriage with thoughts of "what if I did this or that?".
> 
> Yes, my head is still up my rear. I'm looking to pull it out and do the right thing, whatever that is.


I think the right thing is to try to treat her lovingly. Spend time with her. Do the right things. Try to be a better husband.

Fake it til you make it...but maybe have a deadline in mind.

If - after 6 months or a year - you're still unhappy - call it quits.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have nothing in mind. I am being nice, doing the right things, and I spend lots of time with her. But the passion isn't there. I don't know why. When did it leave and why?

I hate faking it. It's like telling another lie.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

HerToo said:


> I have nothing in mind. I am being nice, doing the right things, and I spend lots of time with her. But the passion isn't there. I don't know why. When did it leave and why?
> 
> I hate faking it. It's like telling another lie.


I guess I just see it as trying a little harder for just a little longer.

At some point if the passion doesn't come back, I guess you head for the door...

Sorry.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I have nothing in mind. I am being nice, doing the right things, and I spend lots of time with her. But the passion isn't there. I don't know why. When did it leave and why?
> 
> I hate faking it. It's like telling another lie.


HT, I am in the exact same position you are (pretty much, except that I have started the D process). I had an A, H wanted to work on us, I wanted him to do the 180 and he never would. Now, I am trying to see if there IS anything left on my end. We spend quite a bit of time together again, but it just doesn't feel good enough to stay. Maybe that will change??? Maybe the romance will come back?? I don't know. All I can do is try - at least thru this holiday season. Then see where I am from there.......


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@NotSoSureYet:

I hope things work out the best for you. The holidays are going to be tough. I went out last last with my wife to celebrate a friend's birthday. I found myself ignoring my wife the whole night, and it was unintended. I feel nothing for her romantically. She said earlier in the day that I was being distant for the past day. It's true, I was. I'm starting to not want to be around her much. I know it sounds cruel. 

I'm leaning more towards divorce every day as I learn more about myself, while I'm always trying to not be selfish about my wants and needs. The feeling of "I'm staying because I have to and she wants me to" is taking it's toll on me.

I don't want to propose separation because I think it will lead to divorce. So why do that when the end is clear.


I don't hate her. I just don't have a love for her to be her husband anymore.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I wonder sometimes if people are so into Disney type of romances that they don't realize what they have isn't bad at all. 

Eh, regardless of what I think you have to do what is best for both of you. Maybe it's time to plan the exit so both of you can move on with your lives and out of limbo land.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What would you call a romance where one partner has no feelings for the other? 

Limbo land sucks for both parties involved. but giving up without even trying is just wrong.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

There is a quote that I read, it really makes me think about whether I should stay or not......"If you ever love two people at once, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second".

I don't know if this really pertains to you HT, since you said the OW is out of the picture. But, there was a reason you strayed (just like so many other people do).

I also don't believe that most people think the Disney romance is real. But when someone comes along and it feels "right" - especially when they make you feel better than the person you thought was right, it makes you think twice. It's not that your H or W is a bad person, they just aren't the best match for you anymore. Does that make sense?? It does to me, but I'm living it right now. Anyone that hasn't been on the "bad" side of this situation, will not get it. I've already discovered that. 

I love that we get both sides from this forum.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@NotSoSure: I sent a PM.

I also enjoy seeing all perspectives of the issues discussed in these forums. It truly helps.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> This is marriage - not a science experiment! Facts? Twelve inches in a foot. Does that help? Didn't think it would...
> 
> Reality? Yours - hers - or someone else's?
> 
> ...


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

I'm in the same position my husband for some reason changed when i entered to a university to finish my bachelor's. He wants to know where i am all the time, text him when i get there, when i am out of class, when i am going to the next one...It's like he doesn't trust me, when i give him my complete trust, i am never calling him to know where he is at, or if he doesn't text me when he goes to lunch with friends even female colleagues because i understand, but for some reason he is not the same way with me. I don't know why and it has been a year since i started thinking about a separation or divorce. I missed a semester this year because i got so stressed and did bad in my classes. Next year i'm going back but i am scared that he is not going to change. His mom has talked to him i have talked to him, but deep down i know he is not going to change. He says he loves me but i'm not sure i love him back no more.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

firetiger said:


> I'm in the same position my husband for some reason changed when i entered to a university to finish my bachelor's. He wants to know where i am all the time, text him when i get there, when i am out of class, when i am going to the next one...It's like he doesn't trust me, when i give him my complete trust, i am never calling him to know where he is at, or if he doesn't text me when he goes to lunch with friends even female colleagues because i understand, but for some reason he is not the same way with me. I don't know why and it has been a year since i started thinking about a separation or divorce. I missed a semester this year because i got so stressed and did bad in my classes. Next year i'm going back but i am scared that he is not going to change. His mom has talked to him i have talked to him, but deep down i know he is not going to change. He says he loves me but i'm not sure i love him back no more.


be warned that this can be a sign of "projection" (where a cheater thinks their spouse also cheats since they figure if they do it so can others)

not definitive of course, but the fact he goes out socially with female coworkers is another red flag


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

Well he tells me most of the time when they go out and he tells me its male and female coworkers. hmm shoud i be worried then?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Worried, no. 

Pay attention to details, yes.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

well i found out that he thinks i'm a cheater because of something stupid that happened like 6 years ago. We both opened an account on this website called mocospace. Everything was good until some guy supposedly sent me a marriage proposal over the website and somehow it got accepted. My husband saw this and he thought i was fooling with that guy when nothing ever happened. I closed the account because i just thought it was stupid and nothing was going on, he never closed his though hmm...and he has two account because supposedly he didn't remember his password and to this day he has both of them...Then we decided to open an account on myspace. Long story short some guy posted on one of my pics that i looked very sexy, husband saw this thought the same thing, i closed my account and until this day he hasn't closed his...hmm. Now we both have facebook and he does get mad for certain things that i post but i'm not deleting this one because i use it to communicate to family members that don't live near.


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