# Seriously Need Advice



## KB84 (May 12, 2017)

I'll start from the beginning. I met my husband at 16, had a kid and got married at 19. He has never treated me good but I was infatuated with him when we were younger. When I say he hasn't treated me good, I mean he degrades me and has been physically violent before, not to mention he drinks heavily. I have stayed time and time again because of my children and not wanting to have them grow up in a broken home. I have been unhappy for a long time, it's almost like I die a little inside every time he calls me a name or is awful to me. I was always very independent before I met him. I feel like he has held me back in many aspects of my life. I feel trapped because I don't make a ton of money to survive after a divorce, plus I really do feel like he'd go crazy and possibly hurt me. Anyway, I recently went to a conference for work out of town. I had no intentions on meeting anyone because I'm married. I ended up in great company and had good meaningful conversation with a man that was genuinely interested in me as a person. He wanted to get to know me. He didn't try to get in my pants, he just liked hanging out with me. He respected my situation. Nothing physical ever happened. We went to lunch before I left and he got my number. I had the most amazing time with him. He made me feel like I was good enough again. We've been texting back and forth having great conversation about ourselves and life. But, he kind of made the decision we should stop before it goes too far because he doesn't want to be the reason a family breaks up, which makes him an even greater guy. It sucks because I can't quit thinking about him. I feel like I'm going to miss out on an amazing guy because I'm stuck in a miserable marriage. I also feel guilty because I have strong feelings for this guy that isn't my husband, and actually feelings I've never had for my husband. I have thought about divorce MANY times but have never gotten up the guts to do it, partially because I'm afraid of my husband. I'm driving myself crazy not knowing what to do. This guy I just met managed to make me feel good about myself again and gave me more confidence in myself. He's made me feel like I can do better and be better. I need help and I need to make a decision for once. I don't know if my personal happiness is worth breaking up my family. My kids mean everything to me. HELP!


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

My advice is that if your husband is physically and emotionally abusive to you, then you need to leave for your own safety and the safety of your kids. Staying with an abuser for your children's sake does not help anyone because whether you want to believe it or not, your kids are learning this behavior and will repeat it, ending up either as abusers or victims themselves if the cycle is not broken.

I come from an abusive upbringing, so I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself but you must for your sake and theirs. If you are afraid he will hurt you contact a woman's shelter or domestic violence hotline and they will help you get you and your children to safety. I'm sure @EleGirl will be along with appropriate phone numbers and links where you can get help.

As for the man who sparked your recent self-worth, be grateful if he has helped you see that you deserve better, because you do deserve better. But you are in no position to start a new relationship until you figure out why you have stayed with an abuser, and this will most likely require lots of therapy before you are ready for a new relationship. Plus infidelity, even an emotional affair via text could certainly trigger your husband to violence with his history, should he discover your attachment.

Please be safe and get out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK...you pinned a "good guy" label on a guy who treated you like gold. You say he did not want to get in your pants.

I call bull on this or possibly a maybe. I think because you made it clear to him that you were not a cheater, that you would find it hard to have an affair, he broke it off with you. Broke it off with you to get you to relent....open your heart more...maybe open your pocket squirrel. 

I think he is playing the long game, hoping to get your guard down, even further. He could be just a patient man. He is not in a hurry. He could be "working" more than one women.

That is the worst case scenario. 
.....................................................................................................................

You do have value. You do have qualities that other men want. I am sure that you could find another man to replace your screwball husband. 

That is what I would do. Get a divorce, then date and explore this man, or many other good men who are available.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

KB84 said:


> He has never treated me good.... he degrades me and has been physically violent before, not to mention he drinks heavily.... I really do feel like he'd go crazy and possibly hurt me.


KB, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, verbal and physical abuse, and black-white thinking -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong traits of it.



> I'm driving myself crazy not knowing what to do.


I suggest you immediately consult with a divorce attorney who is very experienced in dealing with highly contentious divorces and child custody issues. If your H is as emotionally unstable as you describe here, the divorce likely will get very ugly very quickly. I also suggest you read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_.

Further, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your children are dealing with. If the psych says that you seem to be describing strong traits of BPD, NPD, or another PD, it is important to ask the psych about what the risk is to your children of developing strong PD traits due to a bad home environment or due to an inherited predisposition to such traits.

Finally, while you're while you're looking for a good psych, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join @*farsidejunky*, @*EleGirl,* and other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, KB.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KB84,

I'm glad that you are feeling better about yourself. Take that and use it to fuel yourself to leave your abusive husband. You say that you don't know if your happiness is important enough to break up your children's family. This is not just about your happiness, it is also about the wellbeing of your children. If your husband is abusive of your, your children witness it. It's harmful to your children to see their father abuse their mother. Look at what you are learning. If you have a daughter, she is learning that what she sees is the most she can hope for in marriage. She will grow up to have a marriage just like yours. If you have a son, he is watching his father abuse you. So he will grow up to abuse any woman he marries. Is this the lesson that you want your children to learn? 

Or do you want to teach your children what a strong woman does? That they don't have to put up with abuse. That they can leave an abusive situation and have a better life. Do you want them to learn that if a person is abused, they can leave? 

My son's father was abusive and I did leave him. About the time I left him, my son who was 7 was starting to do things that his father did, like hit me, order me around, yell at him. So one day after my son hit me I told him to never do that again. "I'm divorcing your father because he abuses me. If you abuse me, I'll leave you too." That was the last time my son tried that nonsense. What my son learned was that no one needs to stay in an abusive situation. 

Your children will be better off spending as much time as possible away from their abusive father.

Please do not pursue this other guy right now. You do not want to cheat. Believe me, as good as you feel right now, you will end up hating yourself even more. Don't be the bad guy. Leave now with dignity. Then you can pursue another relationship. If that guy is meant to be with you, he will be there for you once you are divorce. Or you just might find another really good guy. 

But right now concentrate on getting our of this marriage and into a better life. I don't know what state you live in, but you will most likely get interim alimony until the divorce is final. You will also get child support. Then once the divorce is final , you will get child support. And you might be able to get temporary/rehabilitative alimony for a period of about half the time you have been married. Plus if the two of you have any assets, cash, etc., you will get 50% of that.

There are books available on Amazon about divorce in every state. You might want to get one of those. Keep it somewhere that your husband cannot see it.

Next I'm going to post an exit plan and info on how to get counseling and help in your situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf
Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.
* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to We are what we do | Meetup Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.



*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

If you have access to a computer that he uses, put a key stroke monitor on his computer. A very good one is Webwatcher. It captures every keystroke and takes screen shots. Then it sends the information to your account on their website. So you don’t even need to get on his computer after the software is installed. You will be able to get passwords, account numbers, etc. this way.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.

Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

KB84 said:


> I'll start from the beginning. I met my husband at 16, had a kid and got married at 19. He has never treated me good but I was infatuated with him when we were younger. When I say he hasn't treated me good, I mean he degrades me and has been physically violent before, not to mention he drinks heavily. I have stayed time and time again because of my children and not wanting to have them grow up in a broken home. I have been unhappy for a long time, it's almost like I die a little inside every time he calls me a name or is awful to me. I was always very independent before I met him. I feel like he has held me back in many aspects of my life. I feel trapped because I don't make a ton of money to survive after a divorce, plus I really do feel like he'd go crazy and possibly hurt me. Anyway, I recently went to a conference for work out of town*. I had no intentions on meeting anyone because I'm married*Do any cheaters go out looking to cheat? I don't think most do.. I ended up in great company and had good meaningful conversation with a man that was *genuinely interested in me as a person*. and how have you gleaned this? Just because he talked to you and was nice and fed your ego by saying what a great lady u are? Does he have to pay any of your bills or deal with your bad moods or other everyday stuff that married couples deal with?He wanted to get to know me. He didn't try to get in my pants, YET, but it's coming, don't worry)he just liked hanging out with me. He respected my situation. how has he respected your situation? I have to hear this....Nothing physical ever happened. We went to lunch before I left and he got my number. I had the most amazing time with him. He made me feel like I was good enough again. We've been texting back and forth having great conversation about ourselves and life.its called an affair.... But, he kind of made the decision we should stop before it goes too far because he doesn't want to be the reason a family breaks up, which makes him an even greater guy. It sucks because I can't quit thinking about him.
> kinda sounds like he already went too far to me
> I feel like I'm going to miss out on an amazing guy because I'm stuck in a miserable marriage. how are you "stuck" again? I also feel guilty because I have strong feelings for this guy that isn't my husband, and actually feelings I've never had for my husband. uh huh, heard that before... but yet you married himI have thought about divorce MANY times but have never gotten up the guts to do it, partially because I'm afraid of my husband. I'm driving myself crazy not knowing what to do. This guy I just met managed to make me feel good about myself again and gave me more confidence in myself. He's made me feel like I can do better and be better. I need help and I need to make a decision for once. I don't know if my personal happiness is worth breaking up my family. My kids mean everything to me. HELP!


What I got from this:

Your husband is good enough to stay with until one man--- one, who is this "great guy" comes along.
Suddenly he's abusive, he's not good to you, you've never loved him, etc, etc. This is classic cheater script. Now you want us to jump on your bandwagon, particularly at the "violently abusive" stuff, and tell you what a great lady you are and you deserve better. All so you can feel good about yourself when you divorce your husband and run off with this "great guy" who is having alone time and lengthy conversations with a married woman, and asks for her number. But he doesn't want to get in your pants and appreciates you as a person. Eye roll.
lol, total bs. He is more than likely a smooth operator that knows how to get married women to lower their guard. He's already got you thinking he's the best thing since sliced bread.
If he's such a great guy, why hasn't some other single woman swiped him up? I assure you they are looking for a good guy.

My opinion:
This guy is NOT a good guy. He's had an emotional affair with a married woman and has her interested in divorcing her husband.

If you don't love your husband and he is such a bad guy, why don't you show a little character and divorce him before starting a relationship with another man? And make no mistake--- you have started a relationship with him!

Your husband may be a total jerk, a drunk, an abuser, etc etc. If he's so bad, why are you still with him. The kids? That's so cliche. You wouldn't leave him because he was a bad guy, but you'll leave him when the first guy that gives you any attention and makes you "feel good about yourself" comes along. 

Please. Just divorce.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

KB84 said:


> I'll start from the beginning. I met my husband at 16, had a kid and got married at 19. He has never treated me good but I was infatuated with him when we were younger. When I say he hasn't treated me good, I mean he degrades me and has been physically violent before, not to mention he drinks heavily. I have stayed time and time again because of my children and not wanting to have them grow up in a broken home. I have been unhappy for a long time, it's almost like I die a little inside every time he calls me a name or is awful to me. I was always very independent before I met him. I feel like he has held me back in many aspects of my life. I feel trapped because I don't make a ton of money to survive after a divorce, plus I really do feel like he'd go crazy and possibly hurt me. Anyway, I recently went to a conference for work out of town. I had no intentions on meeting anyone because I'm married. I ended up in great company and had good meaningful conversation with a man that was genuinely interested in me as a person. He wanted to get to know me. He didn't try to get in my pants, he just liked hanging out with me. He respected my situation. Nothing physical ever happened. We went to lunch before I left and he got my number. I had the most amazing time with him. He made me feel like I was good enough again. We've been texting back and forth having great conversation about ourselves and life. But, he kind of made the decision we should stop before it goes too far because he doesn't want to be the reason a family breaks up, which makes him an even greater guy. It sucks because I can't quit thinking about him. I feel like I'm going to miss out on an amazing guy because I'm stuck in a miserable marriage. I also feel guilty because I have strong feelings for this guy that isn't my husband, and actually feelings I've never had for my husband. I have thought about divorce MANY times but have never gotten up the guts to do it, partially because I'm afraid of my husband. I'm driving myself crazy not knowing what to do. This guy I just met managed to make me feel good about myself again and gave me more confidence in myself. He's made me feel like I can do better and be better. I need help and I need to make a decision for once. I don't know if my personal happiness is worth breaking up my family. My kids mean everything to me. HELP!


Lots of excuses ... and if your husband is violet then leave! 

You do relise you were having an emotional affair!

Have you ever tried to work on your marriage?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

A thing to remember about this "great guy". He is willing to cheat with a married woman. 
Guess what he will still be willing to do once YOU become his woman?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Spicy said:


> A thing to remember about this "great guy". He is willing to cheat with a married woman.
> Guess what he will still be willing to do once YOU become his woman?


OP,

Let's start out with your first erroneous conclusion, and that is he did not want to get in your pants. Men do not start relationships with married women when their husbands are not around because he is thrilled with your great mind. You can believe that illusion if you want to, but you are fooling yourself. That does NOT mean he was not interested in what you had to say but you already know this would have wound up sexual if more opportunity arose.

You are craving kind male attention, which is understandable. No problem with that. So if you are that miserable you see an attorney, find out your rights, and you file for divorce. If you think he is abusive now, wait until he finds out you are meeting other men, and most do get caught.

And as "Spicy" just told you, read some literature and see what the percentage of relationships are that work out when founded and started by adultery. It's pretty low.

Now my guess is you are already communicating and emotionally cheating secretly with this OM. And you are like a schoolgirl with first real boyfriend. The problem is you are MARRIED so you fix that and then see how interested your dream. Boat is once he can have you and not just as a side piece.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I like my @straightshooter toast with sweet @Spicy relish on it. Especially on a @chillymorn69

I like it better when I am eating it out on the lake when its my @Evinrude58 motor pushing me along and not a sultry Northwest Gale... Storm. I am lying. Gail Storm. OMG





.................................................................................................................................................................. @KB84

We are giving you the tough love version of TAM. All of us know that marriage can be hard, very hard or terrible....only sometimes perfect....great.

We just don't want to condone infidelity. 

It is OK to seek out love, compassion, intimacy from a man. It is wonderful to have these in life. Oh, hell yes!
But, if you are married, seek them from your husband, not a side lover.

If that is impossible, and it "may be", then divorce your husband and find new love "then" and not now.

Good luck! We want the best for all here. All who post here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I should say that perhaps my 2 x 4 was a little rough, but I think necessary in order for the OP to see what HER END is in this marriage that may be dissolving like a sugar cube in hot water, very soon.

She really should divorce this guy if he's truly as bad as she describes. But don't start looking for other "great guys" until after the divorce.

EVERY husband seems like a real piece of trash when his wife starts comparing him to her exciting new affair partner in her mind. And EVERY husband's worst traits seem to be multiplied by an exponential factor as well.

"Violently abusive" could be getting mad and throwing a plate of food on the floor, or decking one's wife with a right cross. One is awful, one is not as bad. Let's hear specifics on how bad this guy is before we give this woman the play book for siphoning family funds into a secret account and making him look horrible as a husband and father to a court. Or is that what TAM is for? 

And let me say, OP, that this "great guy" that you are so interested in------ YOU BARELY KNOW HIM!!!!!!! Don't be so quick to decide how great he is until you give it a couple of years. It may turn out that you're jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
At a convention, met a "great guy" and changed your life. Do you suppose his wife may feel differently? Do not assume that because he told you he was single that he truly is. Your "changed life" could be the result of a smooth talking married man on the prowl for a vulnerable woman. Great guys DO NOT ask for the number of married women, period. What he has done is put the idea of a "great guy" into your head and now your ordinary, boring H must try to top "great guy" in your mind. Do not misunderstand, if your H is as you describe then it would behoove you to break away from him but do so not because of this "great guy" but rather because you know it is the right thing for you and your children.

Query, why is this great guy not attached to someone? Has he been waiting for a married woman with children to complete his life? Try to look at this objectively and be sure that your husband's faults are not being exaggerated by comparison to the "great guy" from the convention. He has communicated with you behind your husband's back but now wants to stop before you go too far... May I ask what you have been thinking about since he said that? Perhaps going too far? Is the seed he planted sprouting and growing? This man sounds experienced and quite adept at what he does. And now he knows your number and, with reverse number lookup, your address and other information.

I advise caution in this instance. Do not elevate this man too high and lower your H so low that the can never measure up. Look at your situation clearly and in the light of truth and then decide if you truly need to leave and if you do then by all means leave. Just be sure you do not leave for Mr. "great guy" or you may find yourself in a worse situation than you currently do.


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## KB84 (May 12, 2017)

I appreciate the tough love! I need it. I assure you all that I don't exaggerate when I say my husband isn't the nicest man. And I promise you it's not just a plate thrown on the floor. I have been dealing with verbal and occasional physical abuse for 13 years. I think maybe it took this guy being nice to me for me to see that I deserve better and can do better. I think I've decided to take it slow on divorce because it's something I need to contemplate longer. I will not divorce my husband for this man, but for me if I do it. I have already decided that. It's not something I can jump into so fast without considering the repercussions though. Let me know any thoughts on this note/letter I have written for my husband that I will be keeping for the right time:

H,

I've decided you need to be aware of the feelings I'm having because they directly affect you. I am unhappy with our marriage. I am unhappy for many reasons, but you should already know most of them. If you don't, I will tell you.

1. I cannot talk to you if I have a difference in opinion, yours is the only one that matters because you are close minded. There is such a lack of communication between us because you don't want to hear what I have to say if you don't agree with me.

2. You are cruel. You call names. You have a complete lack of respect for me. A piece of me dies inside every time I hear you talk to me or about me nastily. You don't respect me around friends or even our children. 

3. That brings me to this: You are teaching your children how women should be treated. You're teaching your daughter it is okay to be disrespected. You're teaching your son it is okay to treat women disrespectfully. I can't stand this. Another piece of me dies inside when you are disrespectful to me in front of my children. I want my kids to think I'm a strong woman and you make that very difficult. Because I am a strong woman. No matter how many times you've told me I'm not and tried to make me feel small, I know I am strong. And somehow I still have confidence. You also don't respect my job, which angers me. I still work hard, just in a different way than you.

4. You're an alcoholic and can't admit it. You couldn't go a whole month without drinking if you tried. It's your crutch. I've told you time and time again that I hate you when you drink because you become even more of an *******, but you don't care. You'd rather drown your sorrows than make our marriage work. This is definitely a clue that you are unhappy too. Either way, you always have an excuse to do it. That being said, I hate that you make me want to drink because I'm unhappy.

5. Empty promises. So many empty promises. I'll do this, I'll do that. If you do this, I'll do that. 

6. You're lazy when it comes to doing stuff with us (other than sporting events). Not lazy when it comes to work, etc.

7. You have a totally different outlook on how you want to live your life after retirement.

8. You're mean to other people. Sometimes unforgivably so. I'm not a mean person. It's hard for me to be mean to people. I cringe when you're mean to someone around me, your family, my family, our kids. It pains me because it reflects on me. 

9. You're a racist and I don't like it. You're teaching our children it's okay when they're going to have to deal with all sorts of people as they grow up. You've already taught them to be bias. It's sad.

10. Not only are you mentally abusive, you get physical. You say this is in your past, but it's not. It's happened since we've lived here. It's only been a year and a short time since we moved here. This especially is so hard for me to forget or get past. I get so angry every time I think about it. I was such an independent person before I became involved with you. I hate abuse. I hate myself for letting it happen. I also love myself because I know if it happens again that it will be the last time. 

In reality I should leave from the verbal abuse alone, but I've stayed because of the kids. I'm starting to think that's the wrong decision since the way we treat each other directly affects how they view the world.

If you think our marriage is worth saving I need you to work together with me or it won't last. I feel like we need counseling. I think another person's perspective could be worth something. I think you're just afraid of what will be brought to light even though it's all confidential. I do want it to work for the sake of our family, but I can't sit idly by waiting for our situation to change when I feel it won't. At least not without a little push from me. I love you, you're my children's father and that will never change, but something has to.

Sincerely,

W


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## KB84 (May 12, 2017)

And for clarification the guy is single. Also, we've both decided to stop talking until I do become available, if that happens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you in counseling? YOu need to be. Call that number that I posted and let them find you a counselor near you that specializes in helping victims of domestic abuse.

My advise is to not give him that letter just yet. Let a counselor look it over. Go through it with a counselor and see what he/she says. There are some things that I think need to be said differently, but someone who knows how to talk to people like your husband would do a better job of helping you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Give it to him soon.

Write out in bold letters, that if he does not change in a meaningful and permanent way, the marriage is at serious risk, to include divorce.

Give him one year. If he makes no serious long lasting changes, then start Elegirl's exit plan. 

Good luck..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and if you are going to try to fix things with him.. get the books "Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Tell him that in order for you to stay in the marriage, he has to read the books with you and do the work with you that they say to do.

Then there si a book for you to read: *Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men *by Lundy Bancroft


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would strongly suggest that you get him into counseling with you and let the counselor give him the letter in an environment that would offer you some protection. If he is a violent as you suggest, then it may be safer with a trained professional there to assuage his anger.


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