# H + Me + Mind games = Happily N'ever After



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So, been trying to reconcile for a while now and my H is back to his old mind games. Perhaps its time I let go of him completely. I tried, I love him so much, but I refuse to be hurt anymore. Its hard to admit that perhaps I made a mistake, especially with something as big as marriage.

He is back to being sneaky and unresponsive (we still live apart). If I say or ask him anything that he finds unfavorable he'll just not communicate with me for days. And then he'll call or something out of the blue and act like everythings just fine. I normally don't attempt to call him or contact him in any way, unless its important, then I'll send a simple text or email that says, "Hey call, msg, or txt if you have a chance. It's regarding . . . " So he has a heads up as to what Im contacting him for. That's just me trying to stick to the 180 whenever possible. To try and not dwell on anything but my kids and myself. There's also a lot of trust issues. When talking to him, about a different issue, he had said "I WILL lie in order to get what I want." I just wondered if he just realized what he said to me. If he can make up stuff then, Im sure he can lie to me too about ALL kinds of stuff. My trust in him was already low, now its near non-existent. We've already discussed the trust issues and he puts everything on me. He'll try to play psychological games with me, saying **** like, "it's your interpretation of things, thats your perception, I can't control what your mind thinks." Its never anything like, "I'm sorry, I'll be more aware of your feelings"or something. I have found that my H does NOT take any 
responsibility for his actions, does not CARE how he affects people as long as he gets what he wants, and is really just a selfish bastard with whom I wish I wasn't having a baby. He always says the baby is HIS son.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

Boy I wish that my wife would just talk to me and try to workout what has happen to us. I am to the point that I would kiss the ground that she walks on to prove to her that I have changed and I want her back more then anything in the world. Im sorry for you are going through it most be hard. I hate to hear that you wish that you werent having his baby. Although I do understand. Try not talking to him at all or as little as possable maybe he will pull his head out of his butt and see what he has. That is what it took for me!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Never says our, always says "My Son". Im like excuse me! 

Our most recent issue was my friends. All of my friends are 5+ years older than I am. I have one friend in particular that he ALWAYS goes too far about when we're talking. He'll make cracks about the both of us being lesbians, or if I say I went to visit her or just a mention of her at all, he'll make odd comments. Ex. I went to her house to check on some really bad cuts she had on her feet and so I couldn't take his call. Told him I was at her place and why. He insisted I take a pic. of her feet and send it to him. I was like um ew no. So I get home later and call him, first of all he sounds startled that its me. Like he was expecting someone else to call and then it was me, his forced "Oh Hey!" was a little over the top. Mind you Im calling because Ill be giving birth soon so Im making plans to go to be where he is and await the arrival of the baby. So he starts talking about my friends feet. Going OFF on why didn't I take a photo and what did it look like and even after I told him he kept going on and on about her feet. Needless to say I hung up on him. Pri*ck. So I text him later after Ive calmed down, to ask why he gets weird every single time I mention her. Thats when he starts texting that he's not in control of how I interpret and percieve things and he does it to all my friends (Which he sure as hell doesn't!!) Etc. At that point I wasn't angry and I told him I wasn't. But of course, too late. No matter what he's going to be super defensive. So I told my friend about it because she sort of knows already of his strange responses. Her perception of it is that he's possibly jealous of my friends or my friendships and has a need to work me up over it because I neglect him or don't communicate with him as much as her. Idk. Its bizarre.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> He is back to being sneaky and unresponsive (we still live apart). If I say or ask him anything that he finds unfavorable he'll just not communicate with me for days. And then he'll call or something out of the blue and act like everythings just fine.


Been there, done that. It gets old. 

If he won't work with you, let him go, Sak.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds very insecure.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He sounds very insecure.


Sometimes I think so too, and sometimes I'm not so sure, because he puts on his Mr. Super Confident act all the time. And I think this is where I feel perhaps, that I am disposable. He never says he wants or needs me in his life, and the way he continues to shut me out, I'm just like wth does that mean? I just have no clue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> Sometimes I think so too, and sometimes I'm not so sure, because he puts on his Mr. Super Confident act all the time. And I think this is where I feel perhaps, that I am disposable. He never says he wants or needs me in his life, and the way he continues to shut me out, I'm just like wth does that mean? I just have no clue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People who put on the "Mr. Super Confident" all the time are overcompensating cause they're actually super insecure. That is why he feels he has to put you and your friends down. Cause he feels threatend so he tries to control you.

Again, if he acts like the wya he does and doesn't show affection--move on, chick!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

attmay13 said:


> I hate to hear that you wish that you werent having his baby. Although I do understand. Try not talking to him at all or as little as possable maybe he will pull his head out of his butt and see what he has. That is what it took for me!


Don't mistake my words. I love this baby, I would never change my mind about having him. I only regret that his father is the way he is, and that I did not give enough time to get to truly know him before having his baby. I worry for my son, I want him to have a good life, not be around fighting parents, or have a father that will drop off the face of the earth when he can't deal with things. How will that affect my son? I'm the one who's going to be dealing with my sons grief and my own. A child crying for their often non-existent father is painful. I've been through it years ago with my older daughters. And thats why I wish I wasn't having his baby.

As far as not communicating with him, I mainly respond to him if he sends something. Right now, he's having a "drop off the face of the earth" moment. So the leaving him alone won't really work like how it does on most people. My husband will turn it into a game, and be like, well I can ignore you longer. His response to it? If you don't want to contact me, then I won't contact you. Trust me, I did it before and it was WEEKS before anything was said between us. And he was happy to talk etc, after that long while, but, the novelty wears off. 

I'm afraid my husbands head is stuck so far up his @ss he'll never get it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Again, if he acts like the way he does and doesn't show affection--move on, chick!


I think I have no choice Jellybeans. At this point I feel defeated. It will always be the same issues. I'm sure gonna try and move forward, this time, without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Its so hard right now not to contact him. I just want to msg him to tell him that his retraction now is exactly why we're not going to work out. Idiot. I don't want to go quietly, but its the only choice I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know how hard it is. Because going "no contact" goes against every fiber of what you feel for him. But the sooner you detach, the better your chances are for reconciliation and if that doesn't happen, FOR YOU.

"Going quietly" shouldn't be underestimated. It's the graceful thing to do. It's dignified. It's self-respect.

You cannot make him anything, just as he can't make you anything.

So if he wants out, open the door and let him go. It's the kindest thing you can ever do for someone. I know that sounds crazy but it's true. Nothing makes a person feel trapped more than them saying they want out and the other person fighting them on it.

You deserve more. And to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. 100%. But you know that already


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> Never says our, always says "My Son". Im like excuse me!


I make a conscious point of *always* saying 'our sons' I always want W to remember that our boys have a father who loves them, not just a mother !


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I know how hard it is. Because going "no contact" goes against every fiber of what you feel for him. But the sooner you detach, the better your chances are for reconciliation and if that doesn't happen, FOR YOU.
> 
> "Going quietly" shouldn't be underestimated. It's the graceful thing to do. It's dignified. It's self-respect.
> 
> ...


one of the best responses I have read on here, and oh so true !


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> one of the best responses I have read on here, and oh so true !


Why thank you. ::Takes a bow::


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

I don't want to contact him because I want to keep him. He's the one who started the reconciliation process in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I know it would take a miracle to change things. The need to contact him comes from the want to tell him off. But yeah, dignity is all I will have left after all of this. So, better to just silently say alright, go . . . 
I'm way beyond the tears and breakdowns. I just thought we could and would make it work. But this yo-yo effect is too exhausting and I have more important things to worry about. I really am so tired of the bi-polar-ness of our ongoing relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye...honey,i'm so sorry he's acting up again.I just feel for you and your baby.Gosh...going through this while pregnant must be the worst of all. I would have ended up in a Hospital for sure,you''re such a strong woman,I can tell.
I do also think it's time for a good bye .If he is still in high school and wants to play games,well there is nothing you can do about.Focus on your precious baby now.
((((hugs)))


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> I don't want to contact him because I want to keep him.


You can't keep something that does not want to be kept, can't hold something that doesn't want to be held, can't make someone do anything.

I have a good friend that has an awesome saying:

"Let go or be dragged."

It takes two to make a marriage work. If he isn't up for it, you have to accept that.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You can't keep something that does not want to be kept, can't hold something that doesn't want to be held, can't make someone do anything.
> 
> I have a good friend that has an awesome saying:
> 
> ...


No no, maybe I made myself sound clingy here. I DON'T want him to stay. I have come to terms with that. The issue is how weird he gets when I tell him that I finally agree with him and am willing to let go. Then its like, he doesn't want me to let go, he says things like he loves me and misses me. But honestly, I can't put him first. I have to put my kids and I first. You're definitely right JB, you just can't make someone change how they are, but you can change yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

vivea said:


> Sakaye...honey,i'm so sorry he's acting up again.I just feel for you and your baby.Gosh...going through this while pregnant must be the worst of all. I would have ended up in a Hospital for sure,you''re such a strong woman,I can tell.
> I do also think it's time for a good bye .If he is still in high school and wants to play games,well there is nothing you can do about.Focus on your precious baby now.
> ((((hugs)))


Thank you Vivea! Its friends like you and so many others on TAM (like JB) who help me make sense of things and heed the warning signs. So often its so easy to see the issues clearer when reading others threads, but when it comes to my own, I'm an emotional mess. Everyone going through any kind of separation or divorce is strong. You are too!! 
As far as the baby, he may be here earlier than expected  I have started to have contractions and experiencing a lot of pressure. I have no idea if this is normal. I've had 3 children, but they've all been induced and real early. So, I've not gone this far on my own. I have no idea how a normal labor is. Weird huh? lol Im trying to focus on being prepared for the arrival of my little munchkin.
Thank you for the well wishes! Hope all is well with you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Good luck with the birth  I had 3 c-sections and never laboured so I can't even give advice! But keep us updated and I wanna see a pic!  xxx


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When are you due w/ your little munchkin? How exciting! 



Sakaye said:


> The issue is how weird he gets when I tell him that I finally agree with him and am willing to let go.


It will be weird. For you, too. 
See, waywards think that you will never agree with them. And when you finally do, they see you've gotten your dignity in check. You can't argue with someone who agrees with you


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

So right again JB. 
The last couple days I've been blowing him off. Since telling him lets get the divorce he has been none stop texting me. This is what he texted yesterday morning, I kept my responses short:

H: Morning baby. How are you feeling today?
Me: The baby seems to be just fine.
H: Ha ha ha - funny. You know I'm talking to you N. So really, I want to know how you're feeling honey. Please tell me.
Me: I feel okay. 
H: That's it just okay? 
Me: So far A, yes. Sorry, but I really have to go.
H: Wait. When are you coming to Oahu? And where are you staying? I want to be with you when you're here. Email me your flight info etc so we can plan.
Me: I've already planned, I shipped my car out. I gotta go kids will be late.
H: Okay. You know I want to be with you right? I love you N. I'll call you later.
Me: Alright, bye.

And he did call, but I honestly had a crazy busy day so I didn't call him back. All this "I wanna be with you" crap from the same guy who said in an older email "I can't be emotionally available for you. I hope you've made your plans for Oahu because I probably won't be able to be around. The hospital has my number in case anything happens." 
I was WOW-ing on that one. Even now, as Im typing Im getting some msgs from my H. Every single one w/endearing words like "my love" "sweetheart" "baby" "sweety". I mean seriously? Im trying hard not to get sucked into it because I know within a week or so, he'll be the complete opposite yet again. We are having a baby together. I keep him updated on the pregnancy and I allow him to be there for appts. But now he wants to stay with me when Im there? Talk about one confused guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah sakaye he has got to be diagnosable,he really seems bipolar. 
My H. is at least persistent with his feelings,he was confused as to should he get back with me but never said " i love you "and next day to say "i don't want to be with you".It' really hard to deal with like that.

Gosh how can you detach if he changes his mine every 5 min.
You're doing really well showing him that you don't play that game.

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I know what you mean not knowing what real labor is.Mine were both also induced and I had the epidural.I did feel a few contractions and that was enough form me lol,so i have an idea how the contractions feel but have no idea how it is to deliver the baby with no pain meds.Don't need to know though lol,i'm fine.lol
Good luck again,having him early might not be a bad idea.Mine were both induced 2-3 days before due date...the last 2 weeks are always hard.
Hang in there honey!


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Thanks Vivea!
Yeah, everytime he contacts me I am more and more positive that he has something like bipolar or some form of anxiety disorder.
--------------------------
My due date is not until May 4th but Im showing signs of hypertension and in the past have had preeclampsia. The first child resorted with me being hospitalized after birth with toxemia. Thats why they were all induced. Idk, inducing labor pains (so I've heard) come faster and harder! I did have epidural for all 3. My last child who is about 2, I had ran out of epidural right towards the end. It was horrific! Talk about pain! Yikes. Amazing how awesome it feels once the baby's born. Im excited though. There's a lot of pressure so I am hoping my little man will make an appearance. My kids keep me strong because they need me to be. If it weren't for them, I'd be a hopeless case!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You handled that text convo very well! I'm glad you've decided to make your own plans on the island. There's no telling why he's being nice now. Maybe because he wants to see the baby, maybe he realized he was being a d-bag, maybe he doesn't want to be "the guy who didn't see his child's birth." No matter his reasoning, analyzing this man's actions would be a waste of time right now. Take care of yourself, preeclampsia is scary stuff !


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

WhereAmI - Thats how I feel right now! That me trying to figure him out is a waste of time because really, he is like a light switch at this point. Although I've never threatened him, there was a time that I contemplated having him in the hospital rm during labor. That was when he initially walked out, with no warning and contact for weeks. Idk, do you think he could still be afraid that might happen? We have since discussed the situation numerous times and I've decided that his being in the room is very important and I will allow him to be there. But yes, got plans all done, car is waiting for me there, its just now all this packing! Ugh, I can't even pack for a weekend trip, I am having issues getting ready to be gone for possibly a month!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Update:

So now I'm with my husband. No choice. I'm finally on Oahu to await the arrival of my little bundle of joy and get to the place that I'm supposed to be staying, only to find that I can't stay there because my doctor's nurse didn't send the paperwork needed for me to stay. 
I'm staying at a special place near the hospital because I have a tendency to fall into the 'high risk' category of prego's. So called the nurse, and she's grumbling about it being 10 pages long. Um, she had a month to do it. WTH? Anyways, I had to call my husband because I had no other place to stay. 
Now he's acting super in love. I mean, his words are off the top. I don't know WHAT to make of it anymore. 
Seriously, he's saying things like, 
"I am so in love with you". 
"I'm completely yours, you know." 
"I love you baby, my heart is yours".
Its so random to me. I asked him why he's being all mushy gushy like that now, when on the phone he says nothing like that at all. Barely lets out an "I love you" and now here he is pouring it on thick. He says "why?" "I can't have the real thing, and it hurts to think about that cause you're always away. Keeping it simple is the only way I can get through being here without you." 
I didn't know what to say. In my mind I was sarcastically saying, "Wow, good one". Because, I just don't know what to say or think anymore. I needed space away from him to do the 180 and then now I'm totally thrown into a situation where I can't escape him. I'm so glad he's being called in to work because honestly, he's smothering me. And he's back to his old self like how he was when we first got married. The over loving, mushy, I need you stuff. 

I'm just taken by his actions, and don't know what to say or do anymore. 
*sigh*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear you are safe and sound w/ baby too.

What is this guy's deal? Does he want to be with you or not? Have you asked him? I can see how that would be confusing as hell for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sakaye said:


> I just thought we could and would make it work.


The deepest grief we will ever endure is the death of our dreams. I wanted things to work with my husband, but he was emotionally unavailable, not to mention a RAGING alcoholic.

Sure, I still have moments when I mourn what could-have-been, but the reality of the situation was that what I had on my hands wasn't going to change in the forseeable future.

You are dealing with an abusive man. He refuses to take responsibility for his own faults and issues. Your child deserves to live in a tranquil home, not a war zone.

I'll tell you what is frequently suggested in Al-Anon: GO NO CONTACT. Don't respond. Remain quiet. Responding to any of his nonsense is a certain downward spiral into insanity and losing your own peace of mind.

You know what he's like, and he hasn't shown any inclination to change. Get together with friends and pull your family close. Get support. But do whatever it takes to go no-contact for awhile. You don't deserve to keep getting sucked down into his problems.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

P.S. - Manipulation. That is what he is doing, plain and simple. He wants to keep you with him ... for now. This guy sounds so much like an alcoholic, I just have to ask - does he have a problem with binge drinking or drinking too much too often?


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Glad to hear you are safe and sound w/ baby too.
> 
> What is this guy's deal? Does he want to be with you or not? Have you asked him? I can see how that would be confusing as hell for you.


JB I have no clue. Seriously when he sees me like in the flesh, he's all over me and over loving, then as soon as he's away, doesn't matter where, same island or not, then he's all cold and distant. What gives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Well, thanks everyone for your help and support on here. Unfortunately there will not be any reconciliation for me. Been going through some things with my husband now that Im here with him. I posted my thread about his heinousness in the "Sex in Marriage" threads. Checkit out called "The porn perception" and "Recently found - sex vids, and guess who's the star." I've never been more violated in my life. Argh!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

@Jellybeans--Could you please send me a dose of that "graceful and dignified" please? LOL. I get it, just can't do it every single day. I have MAJOR slip-ups! Some days are a little more "graceful" than others, and the "no contact days" feel the best to me, but are few and far between. I am chasing after a man who DOES NOT WANT ME! Truth is, I DON'T WANT HIM EITHER! WTHeck is wrong with me? UGH You always sound as if you have it all together." HELP????? LOL


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