# My husband moved out, I feel devastated.



## Kaya (Sep 14, 2011)

Hi, sorry if my English is a little weird, it's not my first language.


So, 
we've been married for 6 years now /me - 31, he - 38/, but the last years was a tough one. 
There is our story:


We have a beautiful son, who is turning 4 this September. When he was born, I got into depression that lasted 2 years. At that time I didn't feel supported from my husband, even that he was doing everything he could to make me feel better. 
He was working 10-12 hours a day, and we were only seeing each other on Sundays. We talked about it many times, that I feel lonely, and need support until our kid grows a little, and I get my social life back, but he was saying that he is doing the best he can, and somebody has to work. 

So I waited for this to pass. I lost my desire for sex. I lost my ability to have fun and to be happy that I am alive. I even told him that I feel that our relationship is feeling like we're brother and sister now // I was so overwhelmed and helpless, that I had to do something just to get me out of this.

I got this offer to work on cruise ship for a couple of 2 month contracts. I took it, he was supportive. Then I met this guy on the cruise, and I cheated to my husband. It was my revenge for the years of not meeting my needs, when I was at home with the baby.  I never meant to tell him, but he found out. 

He was devastated, but I, the stupid cow, was feeling so good of the attention of the other guy, that I told him that I want a divorce. I must have been out of my mind. 
I just didn't want to go back to my 2 years prison, and depression, and not feeling my needs met, and everything. He was reminding me of all this. So we separated. 

Two months later I told him that I made a huge mistake, an if he can forgive me I'll be happy to try to rebuild the relationship. 
He didn't say anything. Later I found out that he is sleeping with two women, and seeing other people too. We agreed to each other to stop seeing other people and start over. 


Now, 9 months after our "start over" he is saying that the last couple of months are the best, and are "what he was ever wanted out of a relationship", that I've changed so much, and he is so surprised that a person can change like this. I am doing my best to show him that I made a HUGE mistake, and it wont happen again. I've grown a lot, and feel very sorry for what I've done. But then he got this problem that he couldn’t have sex with me for awhile, but he was saying that he will be all right, and he will cope with this problem. I was verry supportive and never said anything to let him down. Loved him and made clear that he's my man, no matter what. 
The last week we had amazing sex, amazing date out in the city, and had the best time ever.

Then 3 days ago we was fighting for smthng and he said that he needs a break of this marriage and he will move out.
I asked him if he want to divorce, or separate. He said that he doesn't want to divorce, or separate, but he needs time alone. Than he just moved out, didn't even said where is going.
Said that he can't live like that, that he is sick of fighting, and want a peaceful live. 


What should I do? I know, I've been making huge mistakes, but I've realized them, and going on psychotherapy to change myself. I see great results, and love myself again.
I don't want to loose him, and try to save this marriage, but he is not saying anything clear. Is he testing other possibilities but want to keep me around, just in case?
Or he really need some time alone, to sort things out, and then he is coming back?
Should I make clear one more time that I want to be with him, and I will fight for this marriage? Or should I just let him go and do whatever takes to make him feel better? /not sure if I can handle this/

Thank you for reading this…


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am sorry for your situation.

There's no way to now if he's "testing other possibilities" right now unless you ask him or have concrete proof.

If he told you he needs alone time and moved out--believe him. Actions speak louder than words. 

Are you guy scommunicating at all? If so, you can tell him that you respect the fact that he wants his space right now and that you are committeed to the marriage and committed to doing any/everything you can to restore it. 

Dont pressure him. Don't yell at him. Don't cry or beg or plead with him.

Protect yourself and your baby and stay strong.


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## Kaya (Sep 14, 2011)

Jellybeans, thank you for your response !

I feel much better now.

Yes, usually we're communicating a lot, that's why it freaked me out, when he just went out, without explanation. 


Yesterday we had to meet, because of some documents he needed. He was very considerate and kind to me, acting casually. But it was too much pressure for me, just to be with him as nothing happened, so I refused his invite for lunch, told him that situation is kind of hard for me, because he is still the most important person in my life, but I'm not going to ask him to come back, because this is his decision.
Before I left, I told him not to worry about me, I'll be fine. He said that I'm always recovering faster than him from anything, and he doesn't know how I'm doing it, and he feels jealous of that fact.

At the night he called and told me that he doesn't want to ruin his family, and he respects me, he loves our son, and want the things between us to work. He said we will talk on sunday, when we get our son back from his holiday with grandparents.


I feel so tired of these conversations already, it started to feel like all we do is talking about problems... and after those couple of days, since he moved out without telling me where he is going - I am feeling that is the time to take care of myself.

I signed myself for acting classes, which I wanted to do for ages, and started to exercise everyday. I'm gonna get myself busy, besides the care of my son, and my work from home, and will try to find a way to work outside of the house. Im not waiting around for him to do stuff together anymore. It's gonna be all about me, so no matter what happens with this marriage - I'll be fine.
I need to be very strong to do this, but I can handle it.
If he wants to talk to me or go to date with me - he will have to ask me days before, so I can make my schedule. I'll be no more available to him. But when we are both at home - I’ll be very sweet, king, smiling and supporting and if he wants to talk to me about our relationship – I would listen what he has to say, and do my best to understand his feelings.


That’s my plan so far. I feel this is the right thing to do at this moment. We'll see what will happen.


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