# Divorce Anger



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am posting this for anyone to read and maybe they can apply my personal epiphany to your own situation.

I have had a lot of anger building up the last month when I found out my stb-x had effectively replaced me and is ready to move on and get remarried (I call him her "fiancee" even though we are married).

Of course, all the usual "7 Deadly Sin" emotions reared but it wasn't envy (that came and went) as much as Anger and yes, I suppose Pride. Pride is such a basic one.

Finally, the other day I just asked myself what I was so angry about - it couldn't be that she moved on so fast or even maybe had an emotional affair with him for many years (a distinct possibility, maybe probability).

I figured out that I am angry at myself for letting this go on for wayyyyyyyyy too long. When she didn't return the "I love yous", Anniversary Cards, Valentines Cards, affection and sexual advances and flirts, I should have said, "WTF?" and confronted her and left her eariler. Like 2 children ago.

But I thought dedication and loyality would be rewarded with love and if I changed certain core things about myself, she would love me. Only it doesn't work that way as you all know.

So. . .I am slowly letting the anger go (what am I going to do? Be angry at her the rest of my life?) at her and letting it go at myself.

I suppose someone else (many others here) may have done the same thing in my place - stayed loyal to the marriage. Harder to let it go at myself - the wasted years. . .still struggling with that. I mean, I'm only 41. . .but it would have been better to be 32 when this happened.

Oh well.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> I am posting this for anyone to read and maybe they can apply my personal epiphany to your own situation.
> 
> I have had a lot of anger building up the last month when I found out my stb-x had effectively replaced me and is ready to move on and get remarried (I call him her "fiancee" even though we are married).
> 
> ...


Nah...you're much smarter now.

Nice post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Wiser maybe. . .smarter. . .probably not.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

> Harder to let it go at myself - the wasted years. . .


In my case I would like to think there were not too many wasted years, but......... my anger stems from the difference in _value_ we each held in those years.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

SG, I've spent the last two months in grieving mode. After sitting down with my STB ex-w and the attorneys in very tense meetings, I am angry. I am angry for the same thing you are -thnking "dedication and loyalty would be rewarded with love". 

I am angry because she is stealing my investments and retirement and admits she has been planning this for years. I am angry because she is lying to our daughter. I am angry because she betrayed me. And now I am even angry because we are still married. 

I told her the other night I want this divorce now more than her and can't wait to dissolve our relationship for good - after her lies and betrayal I never want to see her again. How's that for being seriously p****d off.

Anger is a phase that we go through and I'm sure at some point I'll let it go also. But I need anger now to survive.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*Of course, all the usual "7 Deadly Sin" emotions reared but it wasn't envy (that came and went) as much as Anger and yes, I suppose Pride. Pride is such a basic one.*

Cheer up, you completely didn't max out on the deadly sin thing. Let's see...lust? What is the chance you are lusting after this woman? I'd say slim to grim. Avarice? Don't think so. That one definitely belongs to her. She is the one craving your stuff. Gluttony? You're probably to upset to eat. Another miss. 

Let us continue. Sloth? You seem like a motivated fellow. Pride? I honestly don't think so. Yes, your ego is hurt, but that's normal when someone who is supposed to love you screws you over. 

Envy? Again a no. In the back of your mind I know you realize he didn't get a "deal" when he got someone who would "blow off" their marital vows.

Sir, I find you guilty of wrath. That's the one I am struggling with as well. To the writer above, you do not need anger to survive. In fact it will do just the opposite; it will consume you if you let it. 

Maybe TAM needs some kind of anger post. We can form a support group or something. You know T-shirts, a club house, secret hand shakes; it'll be great.

LIL


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Well put LIL, :iagree:


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Sir, I find you guilty of wrath.


Guilty as charged.

Bad fight the other day. I basically feel like I kinda got strongarmed into a temporary custody agreement I don't like and I told her I would be spending 1 on 1 time with them each separate because they were craving that (my 3 sons). my place is too small for all 3 of them and i end up just catering the baby the older 2 boys are ignored, bored, and unhappy.

I'm not doing it anymore that way.

She said it doesn't work that way - I ahve to take all 3 or none of them (I am consulting with my atty. this Thursday regarding the truth of that assertion).

I argued with her and taunted her. I knew her fiancee's birthday was next weekend and I bailed on watchign the kids (all 3 of them) and I taunted,

"Tell XXXX 'Happy Birthday'"

I suppose no good can come of taunting. however, the anger has really dissipated some. . .I was more angry at her that day because she just stranded me without asking with my middle child for a snow day. There was always a bad history of her career taking precedence over mine and there is years of resentment.

Again, I am more angry at myself now with moments of "pent-up rage" that come to boil.

She wants to go to the mat now - court.

My attorney tells me she is playing chicken with me and I'm driving a mack truck and she's driving a little VW. She has more to lose, esp. with the house equity. So, I suppose she's angry too.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well my friend it sounds like your ready to get your half of everything. I agree you should be able to spend time with each of your children equally. I wish you the best bud. Though I am angry and at seldom times fully enraged, I just look at her and what she is and has become and I am thankful it is happening now. I am still 27 and if I can ever stop smoking I will have a much longer life ahead of me. But for now with all the changes in my life that one is on hold. If you have some free time on your hands go to the gym or do some kind of at home excercise.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Anger is one of Kubler Ross's five emotions in dealing with death and applys to divorce also. 

You need to express your anger to get it out and over with. If you don't you will internalize it and thats not a good thing. You also need to find a way to channel it while you are trying to survive this difficult time. 

Here is a good link to read:

Dealing With the Grief of Loss


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