# Preparing for my next financial battle...



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Long story short, I’ve been married for 11 years to a woman I’ve known for 14. We have 2 kids, we both work, and typically we buy what we want (within reason).

We just bought a new house in her hometown. She’s had a dream of moving home ever since we met, but our jobs always kept us near one of the major cities here in Texas. Now I work from home and she found a job at a local school district, so we’re able to live away from the “big city” and be close to her family.

Of course, a new house means she wants upgrades, which means over $8K in kitchen upgrades right away (countertops, appliances, etc). The house is ridiculously nice as-is, but she considers granite, stainless steel, and decorative backsplash to be “essentials” and I’ve basically kept my mouth shut.

Here’s the issue.. I want an ATV that costs around $6K. I know it’s not something I’ll use every day but regardless, it’s something I’ve been wanting for hunting season and just riding around on the land behind us. I just don’t know how to approach my wife about this. She knows I’ve been looking but I think if I actually buy this thing, she’ll be pretty upset. After we pay for her kitchen remodel, she said she wants to use the rest of our “extra” money to pay off a loan that we owe around $6K on (a loan we took out to pay most of her credit card debt 2 years ago). That won’t leave me w/ enough to buy an ATV, but I do understand paying our debts is a good idea before making another large purchase…. Although apparently this doesn’t apply to kitchen upgrades.

IDK what to do here… I’m the primary breadwinner, and although she works full time, I bring home nearly twice as much. I feel like after agreeing to all this remodeling (which only benefits her, I could care less what color the countertops or appliances are), I should have the right to buy my ATV, but I also don’t feel right about spending another huge sum of money when we have debts to pay off. And I don’t want to cause a huge issue by buying this without her consent and asking for forgiveness later.

At the end of the day, I’m just afraid this will build resentment because she’s getting her wants NOW while I’ll probably have to wait months, maybe years, to get what I want. Any advice??


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JMHO

your letting her walk all over you. The kitchen is in fine shape But she think you need to remodel????? Your already paying off her credit card debt. 

Put your foot down and say the kitchen can wait. 

WAIT a minute. cancel all that.

your wife sounds like a spoiled little girl you can't even ask her about what you want because your afraid of her!!!!!!!!

answer me this. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? are you happy with your life and marriage?

Time to man up and take control of your life and happiness. I don't mean to be a a$$ about it but be true to yourself. if she doesn't support you in finding your happiness then she is just a selfish woman and maybe you would be better off without her.


----------



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

She definitely can be selfish and controlling, but most of our problems stem from the fact that I refuse to be controlled. I do stand up for myself all the time, and usually it results in a very heated exchange and maybe a few days of silent treatment. I almost left her a few years ago (moved out for 6 weeks) but I saw how it devastated her and my poor innocent kids, and decided to come home and be the father & husband they need.

Again, I agreed to the kitchen remodel (already paid for), but also knew I was going to buy an ATV sooner or later. I was really just looking for suggestions on HOW to approach her about the ATV, when she already has other plans for our money.


----------



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> Couple of questions:
> 
> 1) Have you already started the kitchen remodel? Downpayments? that sort of thing.
> 
> ...


1) Kitchen remodel is basically paid for already. Too late to reverse the decision now.

2) Interest on the loan is less than we would have paid in credit card interest, but it's still higher that I'd like it to be.

3) I really have no budget for hunting.. My guns were either gifts or I bought them years ago, I have plenty of clothing. I only hunt maybe twice a year so I don't need money for anything besides lodging fees, gas, etc.

4) We usually get along… She does have a very demanding and controlling attitude at times, but I’m far from perfect myself.


----------



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

That's great advice. I won't mention the kitchen upgrades again.. You're right, it's already done and I agreed to it, so I can't use this as "leverage" for my ATV. Also you bring up a good point about the kids having fun w/ it, which could possibly change her opinion a bit.


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

arc31181 said:


> That's great advice. I won't mention the kitchen upgrades again.. You're right, it's already done and I agreed to it, so I can't use this as "leverage" for my ATV. Also you bring up a good point about the kids having fun w/ it, which could possibly change her opinion a bit.


Wow, you two are both financial nutbags.

You do not upgrade a kitchen that works when you have debt...period. That's completely irresponsible.

In addition, healthy married couples don't shop for revenge against each other. Healthy couples have a plan that they agree upon together and figure out based on a number of factors including individual wants.

What do you guys have in emergency savings/contingency funds? What do you have in kids college funds? What do have in long term savings? What debt do you still have outstanding?

Kids do NOT need ATVs. They need parents who aren't financially retarded.

I have a real beef with people who rack up debt because they're shallow and superficial in who they are and how they live and don't bother to protect their lived ones from financial disaster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She got the house and the move she wanted, so it's time to do something nice for yourself, IMO. You should get the ATV and pay off the loan. The kitchen can wait a couple of years - it's certainly functional as is.

Nikita's point about emergency funds is also valid - if you don't have one, that comes before kitchens, ATVs, and even debt payoff (as long as the interest rate isn't high). Besides an emergency fund, how are you set for 401ks and IRAs?

I see that you say it's too late about the kitchen, though. What the hell, get the ATV and then buckle down to ensuring your financial future. Unless you already have savings, a few thousand for an ATV won't make much difference to the outcome if you lose your job, for example.


----------



## arc31181 (Aug 19, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> Wow, you two are both financial nutbags.
> 
> You do not upgrade a kitchen that works when you have debt...period. That's completely irresponsible.
> 
> ...


Financial nutbags? Ha.. I hadn't heard that one before.

I forgive you for jumping to conclusions and judging me. I'm actually quite frugal and don't spend outrageous amounts of money on anything. We have a good amount in savings, we both have 401k's, etc. The "extra" money is simply what we made from the sale of our house, so this wouldn't affect my kids college funds, our savings, retirement, etc. The only major debt we have is her student loans and her $7K in credit card debt, because SHE can't stop buying decorations, furniture, remodeling, refinishing, etc. I blame Pinterest lol. Also there's no "shopping for revenge" here, it's just 2 married people who want different things.. She wants a fancy kitchen, I want an ATV. I don't have many toys so I don't think that's unreasonable. I've worked very hard for many years and deserve to splurge every once in a while.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening:
suggestion: combine money, pay all normal bills / expenses out of the combined pot.

Then put some money aside split equally into your own accounts. You can spend that on whatever you want. Your ATV, her kitchen.


----------



## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Time to be an adult and put off wants to get more financially stable. Put the extra $$ toward the debt. 

You do benefit from the kitchen because those upgrades 'should' be a factor when the time comes to sell the house in the future.

An ATV is a fun toy, but still just a toy. Kids get toys without thought to the consequences. Adults purchase toys when they have no other obligations.

So, you may not like the advice, but put the $$ toward the debt. Build up an emergency fund of 3-6 months of expenses if you don't have it. After that, put 15% of income to retirement funds. Then, after that if you want to save for a toy, then by all means do it.

But, getting that now may not be the best decision you can make.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The kitchen upgrade is a non-issue.

You have a good amount of savings.
You both have 401Ks.

If the loan has higher interest rates than financing the ATV, pay off the loan. Finance the ATV.

If the loan's interest rates are lower then you can get on the ATV, by the, keep the loan and pay cash for the ATV.

There is no reason that you both cannot have what you want.

How do you tell her? You just tell her that you work hard and you want to get something that you and the whole family can enjoy. What's the purpose of buying a home with land if you cannot enjoy playing and doing things on the land?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In a balanced marriage she would of course have already encouraged you to buy the ATV as she knows you've been wanting it. Since she won't look out for your needs look out for your own. It's not a big deal. If she makes it a big deal then that's her problem. She can make more money if your excess of generosity isn't enough for her. If you've already been responsible, then I don't see what the issue is. Sure she can complain to her friends and family about your purchase, but really, they might agree with her to keep the peace, secretly they will be thinking something different about it, and you will have additional respect if not in your family then in your community. If you have kids, also think about what kind of lesson you are teaching them, if your money belongs 100% to another person who is capable of earning and managing money but uses you to finance her irresponsible nature. 

Unlike a kitchen, if you happen to run short of cash you can probably cash out your ATV and get at least 50% of it back in a pinch. So the kitchen...how to dismantle a granite countertop or sell a used appliance, then what will she cook food on or store it in, the replacement will be a hassle and diminish the home equity. So can only get value out of selling the entire house, or, well borrowing home equity, once your wife depletes all other ready financing :-(


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> In a balanced marriage she would of course have already encouraged you to buy the ATV as she knows you've been wanting it. Since she won't look out for your needs look out for your own. It's not a big deal. If she makes it a big deal then that's her problem. She can make more money if your excess of generosity isn't enough for her. If you've already been responsible, then I don't see what the issue is. Sure she can complain to her friends and family about your purchase, but really, they might agree with her to keep the peace, secretly they will be thinking something different about it, and you will have additional respect if not in your family then in your community. If you have kids, also think about what kind of lesson you are teaching them, if your money belongs 100% to another person who is capable of earning and managing money but uses you to finance her irresponsible nature.(


Agree with this. If the money is good now, get what you want as well and enjoy it, then rebalance going forward. I do think you need to rebalance, because the underlying problem here is that she thinks she can do what she wants and you should work around that or do without. If at some point the money situation changes, you'll have issues if your wife still wants to do as she pleases and make the rest your problem.

I think a good idea, even if your money situation is fine, is to tell your wife something like "our spending has been heavily weighted towards your sensibilities. You have the house you wanted and a kitchen you wanted but did not need. Now, you want me to pay off old debt you accumulated before. When do I get what I want? That time is now. I think the right move is for me to get my ride and you pay off the debt by not restricting your shopping to essentials until it's paid off."

I know it's easier said than done. But, if you approach it from any other angle you'll have long, pointless discussions. She can always say that the toy really only benefits you whereas the kitchen benefits everyone, being close to her family is more important, etc. You need to stand up and say your needs matter and she needs to take a back seat sometimes.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I've changed my mindset on this over the years. When I was younger I would have financed things like an ATV or kitchen remodel. That would result in me making monthly payments to repay a loan. 

I decided rather than paying a finance company or bank why not pay myself. Now I have money automatically taken out of my account and put into savings each pay. This is the money I use to buy treats for myself or the kids. It also gives me a cushion should I suffer some kind of financial setback.

My suggestion is carve out some money from the family budget to begin putting aside for the ATV. When you have the $6K saved then go out and buy it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree with the savings account. Tell her that starting this month, you're putting $500 a month into a savings account so you can buy the ATV next summer. In the meantime, you will both also be paying extra on that loan to get it paid off, but only what's left after your $500/month savings. That way, you get it, just not quite yet, and you're still being responsible.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

List the old appliances on Craig's List to recoup some of the kitchen remodel cost. (Which was ridiculous but water under the bridge.)

Now that you have moved if there is anything else you need to get rid of, have a yard sale for more cash.

Do you have a 401k where you or your wife works? If so, pay off the debt and get a loan from your 401k for the ATV. That way you are paying yourself interest.

Win-win. Now stop keeping up with the Jonses.


----------



## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

Sounds like, you want permission to get the ATV. 

Permission granted.

Oh, you want permission from your wife? Sounds like a straightforward "I want this ATV which we can afford just as much as we afforded the kitchen - do you have any problem with that?" [or the same but more diplomatic] and be prepared for the flak. No way to do it without conflict and compromise - and no amount of flinching aforehand or cringing before the blow will help you - so don't do that. Just say what you want, make your case - and hell yes bring in Pinterest and kitchen remodel as things she gets - and get on with it. 

If you were both spendthrifts I'd say get a grip, save money and pay off debt. But life is finite, don't defer gratification forever.


----------

