# Sex is painful due to illness. Need advice.



## bank1250 (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi, My wife has an autoimmune illness that flares up from stress and many other things. The illness and all the medication she’s on results her not having a sex drive at all and her lady parts are very sensitive and sex is painful. This has been going on for quite a while... years I don’t want to pressure to have sex in anyway because she’ll try even if she’s not in the mood and even if it is painful. We rarely have sex and when we do, I know it’s probably just for my sake.  I’ve never really masturbated and I don’t do that now. If I did start and she found out, she would probably feel hurt, inadequate etc. I just wait it out but, I’m so horny all the time. I know she feels bad about the situation even though it’s not her fault. She's suggested getting a hooker. Lately, I've started getting turned on by her mother when she's around. I want to tell my wife what’s going. She won’t be mad and will understand, since we’re not having sex very often she'd understand. She's always been BFF's with her mom and might even get a kick out of it. However, just bringing it up will be putting pressure on her to have sex and she would try to do it even if it hurts. The other issue is if I tell her, there’s a high possibility that she’ll suggest that her mom and I help each other out sexually. Her mom is divorced. I believe her mom would say no at first but might rationalize that for her daughters sake and her marriage she should to step in and help out or I might leave for another woman. I wouldn't but that how she might rationalize it. I'm not sure if I should tell her about all this or not. If i'm wrong and she does gets upset the stress could cause a flare up and she'd end up in the hospital which is dangerous for her. If I don't tell her and she finds out later, she'd be upset that I didn't tell her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dont tell her you fantasize about her mother! Ever! Are you nuts?

There are lots of different autoimmune diseases, from allergies to lupus to thyroid...They all cause the body to attack itself in some form or another. I can't imagine how that plays a role in painful sex other then joint pain or lack of adequate lubrication. Joints can be loosened up with soaking in a warm bath followed by deep tissue massage, keeping the body warm is key. Lack of lubrication can be as easy as KY jelly.

What is your wife doing to combat the effects of her particular autoimmune disease other then medication?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

bank1250 said:


> Hi, My wife has an autoimmune illness that flares up from stress and many other things. The illness and all the medication she’s on results her not having a sex drive at all and her lady parts are very sensitive and sex is painful. This has been going on for quite a while... years I don’t want to pressure to have sex in anyway because she’ll try even if she’s not in the mood and even if it is painful. We rarely have sex and when we do, I know it’s probably just for my sake. I’ve never really masturbated and I don’t do that now. If I did start and she found out, she would probably feel hurt, inadequate etc. I just wait it out but, I’m so horny all the time. I know she feels bad about the situation even though it’s not her fault. She's suggested getting a hooker. Lately, I've started getting turned on by her mother when she's around. I want to tell my wife what’s going. She won’t be mad and will understand, since we’re not having sex very often she'd understand. She's always been BFF's with her mom and might even get a kick out of it. However, just bringing it up will be putting pressure on her to have sex and she would try to do it even if it hurts. The other issue is if I tell her, there’s a high possibility that she’ll suggest that her mom and I help each other out sexually. Her mom is divorced. I believe her mom would say no at first but might rationalize that for her daughters sake and her marriage she should to step in and help out or I might leave for another woman. I wouldn't but that how she might rationalize it. I'm not sure if I should tell her about all this or not. If i'm wrong and she does gets upset the stress could cause a flare up and she'd end up in the hospital which is dangerous for her. If I don't tell her and she finds out later, she'd be upset that I didn't tell her.


I don't think telling her, her mother turns you on is a good idea at all. We can love our mums to death...but we can be very competitive with our mothers. I would talk to the doctor, there are topically creams that can help with lowering the sensitivity issues....if not get some adult toys. She may not be able to have intercourse but she can get pleasure from pleasing you. Men tend to think if a women doesn't get physical pleasure than its not pleasurable for her....women are different than men, our brain is a big part of sex to us. Intimacy starts with communication first. Talk to her in a loving manner, let her know you want to explore options to bring intimacy back into your relationship...but you want it with her or no one else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There are vaginal dilators that may help. I had an issue where sex was extremely painful due to female health issues. The dilators worked amazingly for me. I bought mine on amazon for around $50-60. It may take time. I could only use them when no one was home or interrupt me when I had the bedroom door locked.

My husband never once pressured me no matter how long in between it took. I also broken my neck, which took 8 months before we even did anything. I still have a lot of neck issues and pain. He has been so patient, which has really helped me. My husband is my biggest support. Him being so supportive has really increased my own drive by a tenfold.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No don't tell her. Some fantasies should be kept private. it is not unusual for men to have thoughts of sex with woman they see, including relatives. Don't dwell on it. Take some of the really good advice. Above instead 

Look, if she can entertain the idea of you finding sexual release with a prostitute or family member (maybe, I don't know), then why would such a natural act like masturbation upset her? 

I think of masturbation as a private act between you and your body. Can you just tell you wife that instead of the prostitute you will masturbate which is quite normal?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If penetrative sex is painful for her right now, there are many other ways that aren't painful to have sex with her.

She can uses her hands, mouth, breasts and feet on you.

Tough it out with your wifee, relieve yourself in the meantime, lots of talk and try the other forms of sex with her. And don't forget to use the lube on her hands, feet and breasts.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

You think she will be upset about masturbating but cool with you fantasizing about her mom? You gotta be kidding


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This ^^^^^ Yet another one of those posts from a user who has one total post that is just totally ridiculous. Not even sure it can be called a troll...


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## debbysteelefen (May 12, 2013)

I am in a similar boat, unabel to have vaginal sex due to problems.

But been living with it my whole life, been married for 20 years and my husband has had vaginal sex with me maybe 5 times.

I dont have pain every time, but its so much pain when it happens that I don't even want to try or even receive oral.

We both do have a high sex drive, always have. Because of my husbands job we don't see each other somedays until very late but I do give him a blowjob every night when he gets home, if he is home the whole day I likely do 2 blowjobs, one in the morning, one at night.

We also have anal sex when he want to have something more intimate, but he loves blowjobs and this has worked perfect for 20 years.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

My husband and I just got divorced because of my having what sounds like a very similar situation to your wife. I do applaud you for standing by her- I know it is tough and I am crushed my ex did not do the same. However, sleeping with her mom is definitely a no go. That just seems too incestuous and would probably cause issues down the line. 

Masturbation, oral, or anal sex are all good options. I think that you could put masturbation into a more 'positive' light so that it does not make her feel inaadequate


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why are HJs and BJs not a good work around?






bank1250 said:


> Hi, My wife has an autoimmune illness that flares up from stress and many other things. The illness and all the medication she’s on results her not having a sex drive at all and her lady parts are very sensitive and sex is painful. This has been going on for quite a while... years I don’t want to pressure to have sex in anyway because she’ll try even if she’s not in the mood and even if it is painful. We rarely have sex and when we do, I know it’s probably just for my sake. I’ve never really masturbated and I don’t do that now. If I did start and she found out, she would probably feel hurt, inadequate etc. I just wait it out but, I’m so horny all the time. I know she feels bad about the situation even though it’s not her fault. She's suggested getting a hooker. Lately, I've started getting turned on by her mother when she's around. I want to tell my wife what’s going. She won’t be mad and will understand, since we’re not having sex very often she'd understand. She's always been BFF's with her mom and might even get a kick out of it. However, just bringing it up will be putting pressure on her to have sex and she would try to do it even if it hurts. The other issue is if I tell her, there’s a high possibility that she’ll suggest that her mom and I help each other out sexually. Her mom is divorced. I believe her mom would say no at first but might rationalize that for her daughters sake and her marriage she should to step in and help out or I might leave for another woman. I wouldn't but that how she might rationalize it. I'm not sure if I should tell her about all this or not. If i'm wrong and she does gets upset the stress could cause a flare up and she'd end up in the hospital which is dangerous for her. If I don't tell her and she finds out later, she'd be upset that I didn't tell her.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This ^^^^^ Yet another one of those posts from a user who has one total post that is just totally ridiculous. Not even sure it can be called a troll...


Troll post from a year ago as Samyeagar pointed out!
Miche4 you could start your own thread.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> Troll post from a year ago as Samyeagar pointed out!
> Miche4 you could start your own thread.


That is unfortunate to find out

I have thanks


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