# A little help for a vet.



## ruga2402 (Sep 22, 2012)

(I posted this in the Infidelity forum first and thought I might be able to get some insight here to) Looking for some advice here. First off this is very hard for me to do, I have great difficulty asking for help but not sure what my next course of action should be. I'm sure it should be individual counseling, again the trouble asking for help thig bites me in the a**. Ok, for anyone willing... This started in AUG 11 when I was MEDEVAC'ed from Afganistan. My wife (30) and I (34) have always endured a better than average sexual life. We have two girls (6, 2) and plan on another. We were drinking and had a wrong number phone call and became talkative with this person. My wife under my playful direction became flirty and eventually a pic of her breasts were sent with my knowledge. It was just a fun wild moment right? We never heard from this person again. Then about two weeks later she mentioned how much fun that was and asked about us doing something like it again. I said ok and we got online and tried Yahoo chat and some one mentioned that she should go on Sexchat.com. We did and had some fun and then it became a little uncomfortable for me and I told my wife that we should stop. She asked why but stopped all the same. Now fast forward three months...Her 18y/o brother was fatally shot and killed by accident by a close friend and we have just returned from the funeral. She has started heavilly drinking and has begun to "black out". She has become so pre-occupied with music and her phone that I write it off to grief. Well about a week after the funeral I am coming to bed and grab her phone to bring it up when it beeps in my hand and I look at it. It is a very suggestive text from some guy I have never heard of and I am floored. So I stop and go outside for three hours and comb through the phone. Only to find pictures, voice recordings, texts, emails, everything except any videos. Of not only them but my very naked beautiful wife of nine years. So I confront her but of course she is passed out drunk (I knew the timing was bad but didn't care), her response are lies that I made it up and then she starts hitting me. Never hit her back but wow did I see red. There was a total of about 12 guys then. I contacted everyone and threatened them and for those that I could find that had girls, I told them about it as well. She promised after the whole they are just friends stuff that she would stop. Then a month later it happened again, then two months lated again. Then four months later again. Never to the same guy twice after I caught her. The most recent being a month ago being a actual old school friend of hers. She has stopped with the violence only after she was arrested and was made to go to a Domestic Violence class. But, I am not sure after the solid year of lies that I can ever trust her the way I should as my wife and the mother of my children. I have exposed her to her family, I have threatened leaving her. I can't because I would have to leave the military and I have only five years til I retire. I have suggested repeatedily that she recieves counseling for drinking and that we both go to Marriage Counseling. But she refuses to belive that either are needed. One other thing that is relevant, she was witness to her mother being forceably raped by her father and was then raped herself at 4 years of age. What do I do??? I love her to death and want her better. Please any advice.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

ruga...first of all thank you for your service, only admiration for you there. So sorry for your marital problems.

Second, if you can be in Afghanistan, you can seek out some professional help with this problem...getting help when you need it IMO is a sign of strength and character...you are doing what needs to be done etc.

Your wife needs help too, she is just refusing to accept that fact. You probably made a lot of allowances in the beginning because of her grief...but it sounds like its been happening over about 8 months? Out of hand now...her brothers death has probably triggered a lot of bad memories about herself and her parents etc. Did she ever receive counseling for all that before? Does she have memories of her own rape? She really really needs to be in IC. She may also needs some meds.

Please find an I.C. for yourself initially, just to get everything out. They may help you deal with your wife.

Can anyone in her own family talk to her, who would be on your side? Perhaps a close girlfriend? She may need to hear it from someone else before she will agree to counseling.

I hear you about not leaving her in relation to you leaving the military...if this continues perhaps you need to make her live elsewhere? This may be temporary but she doesn't need to know that...the threat of your marriage ending may be enough for her to seek help. Sadly you cannot force her.

So sorry she has been violent with you. Not pretty...perhaps you could set up a 'nanny cam' and record her being drunk/violent/billigerent etc. Seeing herself (while sober) could shock her into changing things.

And what about cutting off her phone and only returning it when she stops all the sexting etc?


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

And look at the bottom of your post...you can talk with a live online counselor...that could be a start?


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