# Keep Spark and sex alive at lease once a week, build bond no matter what life issues



## Davidmidwest

I am so confused... Please list what you to keep up interest in your partner alive and keep asking for more, however so slight. I would like a long numbered list if you have the time. I am tired of failing and being told by wife I am a failure. I need a good list of things to do? I m divorcing, but I really need a lesson from married people or not.


Hi, We've gotten real lazy due to work, stress, money, step kids, parallel lives, contempt, afraid to initiate love, sex, or compromise a position in need or where we need to go to be a successful couple, plus ad diabetes, and depression, and low libido and sex is boring with no desire to change it although we talked about it. No change, Not every gone on vacation, gave memorable gifts or done activities that build fond memories.

What do you do to show you love each other that keeps love alive and keeps both taking initiative to make love at least once a week, (not wanna do it and just do the mechamics, create memories to build upon. Do you give gifts regularly, who buys whom lingerie, do you like to wear it to seduce and know it doesn't stay on long. How do men and women seduce each other to set up the mood? Is it done regularly. What type of sex, what do you show regularly that makes your partner amacable for making love, work on the honey do repair list, care about putting time in the relationship. Does you name on the title or mortgage make you more invested in the marital home and duties for each oher' life, or is it better to live separately only an come sleep over on the weekends only and be single?



Thanks.


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## SimplyAmorous

Davidmidwest said:


> I am so confused... Please list what you to keep up interest in your partner alive and keep asking for more, however so slight. I would like a long numbered list if you have the time. I am tired of failing and being told by wife I am a failure. I need a good list of things to do? I m divorcing, but I really need a lesson from married people or not.
> 
> Hi, We've gotten real lazy due to work, stress, money, step kids, parallel lives, *contempt*, afraid to initiate love, sex, or compromise a position in need or where we need to go to be a successful couple


 Contempt stood out to me immediately.. if you've never read this write up... these are what to be sure to guard a marriage from: Also it sounds you have been rejected a lot -if you came to be afraid to initiate...

 The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> *** *Defensiveness*- conveys the message, “*The problem is not me. It’s you.*” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.
> 
> Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> *** *Stonewalling* -
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> also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
> 
> Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....
> 
> Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall





> ...* plus ad diabetes, and depression, and low libido and sex is boring with no desire to change it although we talked about it. No change, Not every gone on vacation, gave memorable gifts or done activities that build fond memories.*


You've never taken a vacation, or done activities that build fond memories?? How long were you together, WHAT brought you together? .. it sounds you lived separate lives and had very little in common, beings you didn't gravitate towards each other, both seeking that time - to feel bonded / emotionally connected. 



> *What do you do to show you love each other that keeps love alive and keeps both taking initiative to make love at least once a week, (not wanna do it and just do the mechamics, create memories to build upon*.


 Assuming you will be out there dating soon...be careful to evaluate how *compatible* you are, on a # of levels.. these come back to bite when a couple just can't see eye to eye in areas of great importance.... these are 2 very good write ups :

>> Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage

How do we show each other.. we genuinely enjoy being around each other, I feel wanted.. he feels wanted.. even if we snap at each other on occasion, we know it's not because we hate each other, but more of a bad day or stressed over something.. we are quick to say "sorry" and show our appreciation.. recognizing there is much to be thankful for.. 

I've always been BIG on making memories...ready with my SLR taking family photos, Anniversary memories, planning little vacations for just the 2 of us...I enjoy reading reviews at TripAdvisor.com  to help plan our next adventure.. 

The making love.. I think it's important to save our sexual energy for our partners... I married a man high in "physical touch" (love language wise).. but so am I !.. so it's a Joy to be with someone who wants to be close, touching us.. we do gravitate to each other.. Honesty.. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want that or crave it....but that's a compatibly thing again. 

We enjoy doing simple things like watching movies together, riding bikes, taking walks, going out to eat.. we banter.. make fun of each other.. we are very OPEN, what I call a "willing transparency" there ... both of us feel strongly about, it has built a strong foundation of trust. 



> *Do you give gifts regularly, who buys whom lingerie, do you like to wear it to seduce and know it doesn't stay on long. How do men and women seduce each other to set up the mood? Is it done regularly. What type of sex, what do you show regularly that makes your partner amacable for making love, work on the honey do repair list, care about putting time in the relationship.*


 You mentioned you (or she) had diabetes ...so Low drive was a significant part of the breakdown ? 

Gifts.. not something that matters to either of us, like for an Anniversary.. I'd rather go out for the day.. spend time.. no need to open a present..... we have a # of kids.. we buy for them.. but each other.. Ehh.. not really.. I've told him I'd rather go shopping with him & we just pick out what we want any time of the year.... there are so many ways to GIVE... his giving of his time.. enjoying my company, running his fingers through my hair while we watch movies together snuggled up close.. those are the things I love.. and he loves to give..

I kinda wish he would have bought me some lingerie in the past.. but it's always been me who buys it.. then surprise him .... 

It's important to maintain a smooth running of the home, where one isn't feeling they are carrying the other's weight.. (this alone can cause deep resentment)...if you both work, your wife is going to want more help around the house.. it's very satisfying when both the husband & wife recognizes and shows appreciation , some validation for what the other brings. I think this is a great write up to explain that...

>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

I look upon my husband as my #1 fan, he uplifts me.. if I am down.. he wants me to feel better.. If he had a bad way.. I try to do all I can to soothe him.. we're in this together.. kinda like..













> *Does you name on the title or mortgage make you more invested in the marital home and duties for each oher' life, or is it better to live separately only an come sleep over on the weekends only and be single?*


 Would your ideal ever to be with another who you didn't enjoy spending time with you ? I've always been one who wanted that special someone to hold at night, wake up to in the morning... if a couple just wants to see each other on the weekends... why marry at all? If there is no missing, no craving.. is there any passion ?? .... Just date.. as a couple gets more intimate, surely they want to share more.. this is the natural progression... but again.. be careful with that compatibility.. it has to be so much more than good sex!.... 

When we dated, we shared everything, we loved being together, anticipated marriage... it was never a question whose name was on what.. it was a given.. the "two became one"... in deed.. in bonding.. in ownership.. all of the above...


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## aine

SA, great answer!


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## Davidmidwest

Dear SA,
Thank you,
It is good to hear from a woman's standpoint. You really gave me things to think about and re-clarify my needs. Yes, I want the gold standard with having a good relationship all around. Closeness with life partner there at night, day, and morning. I do love that and I want her to desire that too. You and your husband really have your romantic life first and priorities in the same place. I am definitely be more aware to communication and opportunity moments to make a connection. I don't think I really meant spending money on gifts, although nice, I am sure I would like to receive from her the act of support or a neutral to loving comment more with a smile and the romantic courtesy's displays of affection you have done for your husband. I think I will be more smarter in communicating. 

David.


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## Taxman

Simply Amorous:
Thank you for that post. Even those of us in good marriages need to read that post to ensure that bad habits do not creep into the marriage. We have always taken the approach that WE come first: Before kids, before parents, before family, before work. We had a bad hiccup in the first ten years and learned quickly (7 month separation) how to overcome the outside influences that seemed to want us to be apart. We make sure that we spend quality time with one another for at least one hour a day: We call it the "cokktail hour". Sometimes it involves a cokktail, most often a coffee and lots of talk: plans, events, kids, feelings, dreams, we make a conscious decision to be inside each others' heads. No TV, some music occasionally, I will light up a cigar, lately she wants a cigarillo as well. I look forward to it every day and it keeps the spark alive. We are in our early 60's. We are empty nesters. Many of our friends discovered that over the years they grew apart and when the kids are gone, so was the relationship. We could not and would not take that chance. While others were leaving their long time spouse or living lives of quiet desperation, we are celebrating our "Love nest". First thing we did when the kids were getting ready to go, was that we downsized: We talked about what we wanted in terms of a home; we both wanted a lot less space, we wanted less maintenance, we wanted the ability to just lock up and go away for awhile, so we bought a little townhouse, which we call the love-nest. One other thing, with the kids gone, she turned to me and said, "Thank god we can now go back to how we were before kids. To which I replied, "You mean making love many times a day and hanging out all the time?" She said GAWWDD YESSS, so we are now the oldest 22 year olds. We hang out. We f**k, a lot. We are spending our golden years enjoying the hell out of one another.


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## Vinnydee

What we do was learned from a Psychologist friend of mine. When sex starts to wane we schedule at least one night a week, often two, for together time. Attendance is mandatory if you both want to make it work. You do not have to have full sex. Maybe cuddle, make out or just talk. After awhile you will end up having sex. Might as well since you are both there for the hour. What the problem is that sex produces a hormone named Oxytocin. It is released during sex. Its job is to emotionally bond a couple together and the reason why at least one f buddy falls in love with his or her buddy. It is the same hormone that bonds a child to her mother. So having sex is pretty important to a marriage. Without the bonding of sex, you start to drift apart emotionally and live like friends. Sex is one of those things that the more you have, the more you want. The less you have the less you want.

By agreeing to spend set times together whether tired, stress or whatever, you are slowly but surely emotionally bonding again. My wife and I are married for 44+ years and have gone through times when the sex started to disappear. Twice we used the above method and it worked after a few weeks. The last time we did this was 3 years ago and now as senior citizens we are still frisky and physically and emotionally intimate. Give it a try.


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## CuddleBug

Davidmidwest said:


> I am so confused... Please list what you to keep up interest in your partner alive and keep asking for more, however so slight. I would like a long numbered list if you have the time. I am tired of failing and being told by wife I am a failure. I need a good list of things to do? I m divorcing, but I really need a lesson from married people or not.
> 
> 
> Hi, We've gotten real lazy due to work, stress, money, step kids, parallel lives, contempt, afraid to initiate love, sex, or compromise a position in need or where we need to go to be a successful couple, plus ad diabetes, and depression, and low libido and sex is boring with no desire to change it although we talked about it. No change, Not every gone on vacation, gave memorable gifts or done activities that build fond memories.
> 
> What do you do to show you love each other that keeps love alive and keeps both taking initiative to make love at least once a week, (not wanna do it and just do the mechamics, create memories to build upon. Do you give gifts regularly, who buys whom lingerie, do you like to wear it to seduce and know it doesn't stay on long. How do men and women seduce each other to set up the mood? Is it done regularly. What type of sex, what do you show regularly that makes your partner amacable for making love, work on the honey do repair list, care about putting time in the relationship. Does you name on the title or mortgage make you more invested in the marital home and duties for each oher' life, or is it better to live separately only an come sleep over on the weekends only and be single?
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.



From my life experiences so far, being married 17+ years, I would say find out each others main love languages.

Profiles Archive - The 5 Love Languages®


Find out who is low sex drive LD and who is high sex drive HD.

Both of you should be taking care of your bodies with weights, cardio and healthy eating.

The LD spouse should be taking care of the HD spouses needs regardless and the HD spouse should be taking care of the LD spouses needs regardless.


If the sex isn't there - big trouble

If the cuddling, talking, intimacy isn't there - big trouble


Making excuses not to take care of yourself and having a healthy adventurous sex drive - big trouble


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## Taxman

Taxman said:


> "You mean making love many times a day and hanging out all the time?" She said GAWWDD YESSS, so we are now the oldest 22 year olds. We hang out. We f**k, a lot. We are spending our golden years enjoying the hell out of one another.


As I was reading this today, I reflected on the mad rush to put something on when folks come to the door. I am trying hard not to be the old guy walking around the house in just his underwear, but I will walk around in my bicycle pants and not much else. She, on the other hand, wears this sweater with just panties on underneath. My godddddd! She literally has to peel me off her. Just writing about it, makes me want to junk the computer and the office for the day and run home to her arms. Damn, I'm lucky.

Its Valentines day, and if you read my posts, this day in 1988 was D-day. I leave that day in the dust. It is only a horrible memory. We forged a new marriage out of the ashes of that day.


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## DepressedHusband

Davidmidwest said:


> I am so confused... Please list what you to keep up interest in your partner alive and keep asking for more, however so slight. I would like a long numbered list if you have the time. I am tired of failing and being told by wife I am a failure. I need a good list of things to do? I m divorcing, but I really need a lesson from married people or not.
> 
> 
> Hi, We've gotten real lazy due to work, stress, money, step kids, parallel lives, contempt, afraid to initiate love, sex, or compromise a position in need or where we need to go to be a successful couple, plus ad diabetes, and depression, and low libido and sex is boring with no desire to change it although we talked about it. No change, Not every gone on vacation, gave memorable gifts or done activities that build fond memories.
> 
> What do you do to show you love each other that keeps love alive and keeps both taking initiative to make love at least once a week, (not wanna do it and just do the mechamics, create memories to build upon. Do you give gifts regularly, who buys whom lingerie, do you like to wear it to seduce and know it doesn't stay on long. How do men and women seduce each other to set up the mood? Is it done regularly. What type of sex, what do you show regularly that makes your partner amacable for making love, work on the honey do repair list, care about putting time in the relationship. Does you name on the title or mortgage make you more invested in the marital home and duties for each oher' life, or is it better to live separately only an come sleep over on the weekends only and be single?
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks.


Diabetes is a very serious illness and if she eats the standard hicarb diet her hormones levels are going to be a wreck. Look into Keto and or Low Carb diets, that should help with hormnal function and should improve a few things.


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## ZedZ

aine said:


> SA, great answer!


I agree...hit the nail on the head...


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## Vinnydee

There are two issues. One is being in love but your sex life is disappearing. The other is just not being in love again. I am not about to post masturbation fodder so I will give you a little information.

If you are both in love with each other you can schedule one sex night a week. That is what my wife and I have done successfully a few times. Sex night is mandator even if you had a leg cut off during the day. It is a commitment done out of love and for the sake of the marriage. What you do it not important. You can just cuddle, kiss, make out or have full sex. The hormone Oxytocin which is responsible for emotionally bonding a couple will be released no matter what the sex acts are. It will be released simply by cuddling. In fact it is called the cuddle hormone.\

If your sex life is down the tubes and one of you is not in love, you are basically out of luck. Love is a chemical reaction caused by a few feel good chemicals triggered by genetics. We really do not know why we love some people and not others. Why are we attracted to one person and not another? Something in our genetic code causes us to feel love. Love cannot be willed into or out of existence. It is either there or not, and if not, all the sex in the world will not bring it back. As someone wiser than me said, once you hear or know that your spouse does not love you anymore, get out of there because nothing will bring the love back. I have found this to be true. YMMV. Good luck.


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## WilliamM

I am 63 years old. I am very old fashioned. I was old fashioned when I was 19 and I met my wife. She enjoyed it then, and still does. We are considered oddities.

We compete every day to see who will say "I love you" first.

We hold hands a lot

I open doors for her, all the time

I pull out the chair for her, and push it in while she sits

I make sure she has an orgasm before I do, and I make sure she has many every day.

My wife's happiness matters to me more than my own. I try to find something to make her smile every day.

43 years, and 3 months tomorrow. 

I will grant it has not always been easy, that's for sure. But we made it, and it's been extremely smooth sailing for over 20 years now, and there are no problems which can bother us now.


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## browser

WilliamM said:


> We compete every day to see who will say "I love you" first..


My girlfriend plays that game too. She always wins. But she's the only one playing it so of course she's going to win.


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## WilliamM

My opinion?

Don't let her win all the time. Try to win, yourself.

Every day she wins, and sees you not trying, you put a nail in the coffin of your own failure.

Just my opinion, though.


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## Satya

browser said:


> My girlfriend plays that game too. She always wins. But she's the only one playing it so of course she's going to win.


Hah! I win by muttering it first thing in the morning, crack of dawn, always waking Odo up in the process. 

OP, thanks for infusing some positivity here!


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