# anger and verbal abuse



## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi just need to talk about my incrediable amount of anger. I have been married to a man who is a sex addict and has been cheating on line for four years. Now he wants to put the marriage back to happy times. I feel it's to late and the amount of destruction for me is unbearable. I have turned my pain into major anger at him. He also lies smooth as silk. 22 years and I see so many things wrong with this person. He shuts down time and time again and blames it on my anger!. I'm I crazy to feel so angry and want to vent to him. I told him he acts like let's move on and blames my anger at not being able to. He says he has all this guilt and shame. There are so many other factors in this marriage to many to go into. One being I have been here for 4 years helping him with a major illness while he cheated. I have only to say I have been a loving faithful spouse and I really can not get over this without some support, all our money goes to his counseling. Who the hell wouldnt be inraged? Am I crazy?? I cant stop venting my anger at him. Thanks Toby


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## par4 (Mar 8, 2012)

Are you in healthy relationship? Sometimes a see why people go in a different direction. You have put up with alot
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry to hear your story Toby.
Can you honourably exit?


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Been where you are, minus the anger problem; I'm the opposite of you, I can't get angry and instead, I get sad -- neither is a good way of dealing with pain, frustration, disappointment, or betrayal. It looks like you have a problem with your husband's sex addiction and cheating -- and, well, you should because it's putting you at risk for STDs and is destroying the basis of your relationship with each other. You're angry about this because you're trying to make him change his behavior and are unable to do so. He's manipulative and using your anger as an excuse to keep doing what he's doing and not move past it. This is what I'm gathering from your post. 

You need to calm down and behave rationally. Anger is not going to solve this problem and you'll need to get yours under control -- go read some books or get some counseling for yourself to figure out how to keep it in check. Also, since his behavior is unacceptable to you, you have two choices: 1) accept it, or, 2) walk away if he refuses to get help. I think you should make it clear to him that you want him to get help for this problem and not continue cheating on you. If he doesn't respect your wishes, you should leave him. This way, he will know that you are serious. After all, you do not want to remain in this situation, right? Hopefully, he will do right by you and get help and change. If he doesn't, then you are sparing yourself the risk and pain that comes along with being partnered to a sex addict. 

Of course, this is all easier said than done because emotions make things messier than they might otherwise be. If you guys have never been to marriage counseling, try it. If you can't talk about this without anger, you're at risk this turning into domestic violence and do you really want to be an abuser? Probably not. Take a step back and breathe. Sort yourself out. Then, try and deal with the problem in front of you without getting lost in the feelings that it raises. But....find an outlet for the feelings, instead of repressing them, like posting here.

Also, If you think this relationship is beyond repair, then just leave him. You don't hae to stay with someone who is treating you badly and exposing you to disease and emotional pain through his disloyalty. It is possible that he doesn't want to change and you have to recognize that you can't force him to change if he doesn't want to.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Stay strong and positive. Try reading through other posts, which might help you. It may feel like you're all alone, but others have been where you are. Hang in there!


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for the fast replys, yes I have put up with so much, almost PSTD I constantly have flash backs to his on line adventures. They are extreme sexual fetisishes. I dont feel normal anymore. So far it has only been on line dating sites and looking for escorts. He even told me he thinks he does it to be vindictive!. I am now trying to sort through and dig deep to see what I want. The trust is gone for good, he minimizes all this. I have some tough decissions to make. For god sakes we have grandkids 22 years of history. Thanks everyone, Toby


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Toby, I know it will be hard for you to be normal now. Salvage what is possible. Salvage your self-respect first. I can see pain...
Sorry. It is terrible. Sorry again. Tears.

Try learning to deal with anger, and pain.

Stay very composed.


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## Toby (Jan 13, 2011)

Thank you,means alot . I need to read your story because of you name I see you have been in my shoes. Toby


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