# now what - year and a half dry



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Well now a year and a half in of nothing my wife doesn't even want to even hug ay night. Even the mention of snuggling now results in the good ole 'hmmmmf ok just give me minute' - which means I need a minute to suddenly be snoring and asleep. What a joke my life is - I am literally a ****old - as in by definition. Unreal. I vet I deserve it - last thread I posted I got skewered and now it just more about validation how pathetic I am ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

I've read your threads. Ever heard the definition of "insanity" is to keep doing the same things but expect different results?
You must actually change in order to "fix" your sexless marriage (as in resume a regular sexlife or divorce, either way fixes that problem).
Are you ready to change? Or do you just want to come back here every 6 months to update us on your sexless status?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Are you just venting here, or are you this whiny and pathetic with your wife too? Have you considered that her attitude may be because you come across as incredibly unattractive? I would guess that she doesn't even want to snuggle because it just automatically leads into more whining about lack of sex from you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The real question is what are you willing to do about it. If you are unwilling to do anything, such as leave then nothing will change I can promise you that


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you continue doing the same you get the same results.

Either change it or live with it and quit whining. No one is going to do it for you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

KendalMintcake said:


> I vet I deserve it - last thread I posted I got skewered and now *it just more about validation how pathetic I am ...*


What good does it do to whine about how pathetic you think you are? Why not make an _actual change_ so that you can change your lousy lot? Lots of folks have been in your shoes in a sexless marriage (myself included) but we made an actual change and got the h*ll out.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

tommyr said:


> I've read your threads. Ever heard the definition of "insanity" is to keep doing the same things but expect different results?
> *You must actually change* in order to *"fix"* your sexless marriage (as in resume a regular sexlife or divorce, either way fixes that problem).
> Are you ready to change? Or do you just want to come back here every 6 months to update us on your sexless status?


*THIS* can generally be an ingredient that actually does more harm than good. Yes "something needs to change" but at the same time we also have to realize as individuals that we are deserving of love and that those around us must learn to love and accept us "just as we are!" 

In a sexless marriage it is easy to conclude that something is WRONG with one or both people in the relationship and that it needs to be *fixed*. This is NOT TRUE! The vast majority of the time (well over 90%) both people are perfectly healthy.

The source of the problem is the following:

• Not understanding and accepting the other person's sexuality may be different (as in responsive and slow to arouse).
• A lack of self confidence and feeling unworthy of being loved.
• Miscommunications to a spouse regarding how arousal is attributed (did it come from porn or from desiring your spouse). 

Most wives in relationships use the model of their husband's sexuality as a model for what is expected of their own female sexuality. When PIV does not lead to immediate arousal and orgasm for women, females and their husbands begin to think something is wrong and accuse each other of being broken. Then it all goes downhill from there.

The husband then tries infinite techniques to make "her sexuality" match his and will not stop until she starts wanting it. Then it goes downhill faster. 

Eventually she becomes so frustrated and he throws so many passive aggressive temper tantrums that it can become almost unfixable. And it was not even broken to begin with!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

badsanta said:


> *THIS* can generally be an ingredient that actually does more harm than good. Yes "something needs to change" but at the same time we also have to realize as individuals that we are deserving of love and that those around us must learn to love and accept us "just as we are!"
> 
> In a sexless marriage it is easy to conclude that something is WRONG with one or both people in the relationship and that it needs to be *fixed*. This is NOT TRUE! The vast majority of the time (well over 90%) both people are perfectly healthy.
> 
> ...


You started by saying that 90% of the time, both people are perfectly healthy, and then went on to name 3 problems that are examples of how one or both of them are unhealthy. Did you mean sexually healthy, as in nothing is physically wrong with either of them that would prevent enjoying sex?


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

badsanta said:


> *THIS*
> The husband then tries infinite techniques to make "her sexuality" match his and will not stop until she starts wanting it.


If one of those techniques is dressing up as Caesar Millan then he'll probably be successful.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> You started by saying that 90% of the time, both people are perfectly healthy, and then went on to name 3 problems that are examples of how one or both of them are unhealthy. Did you mean *sexually healthy, as in nothing is physically wrong with either of them that would prevent enjoying sex?*


Correct.

Many people are quick to label HD/LD when in fact the LD is likely physically healthy enough to enjoy sex just as much as the HD partner. 

What "prevents" a couple like this from enjoying sex is a misunderstanding of each other's sexuality, particularly when it is different from what society teaches us. As we all know in a consumer society, "sex sells" and as consumers we are taught to appreciate:

• instant gratification (anything otherwise is _inefficient_)
• unlimited access (if access becomes interrupted, it is _unreliable_)
• high definition (when fine details are obscured, it is _poor quality_)
• high speed (when performance is sluggish, it is _in need of an update_)

Most people in sexually gratifying relationships (beyond the first few years) would agree that all the things above actually diminish enjoyment. Things are way much better when:

• Better things come to those that wait (building desire)
• Anticipation and limited access (teasing)
• More than meets the eye (some details left to the imagination)
• Very slow and sensual (gradual build up is more pleasurable)

...and applying those details in such a way that enhances sex requires a great deal of trust and respect. This also takes time, a clear understanding, and loving acceptance of each how each other's sexuality is indeed different from each other to accomplish.

Badsanta


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Well now a year and a half in of nothing my wife doesn't even want to even hug ay night. Even the mention of snuggling now results in the good ole 'hmmmmf ok just give me minute' - which means I need a minute to suddenly be snoring and asleep. What a joke my life is - I am literally a ****old - as in by definition. Unreal. I vet I deserve it - last thread I posted I got skewered and now it just more about validation how pathetic I am ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Plus last response from your "Asexual" thread


> Yeah I think you are right. I guess if I was not attracted to my wife and thought she was a looser I'd be labeled asexual as well since I steer clear all the time (and probably have a fling on the side). Thinking about it from that perspective gotta feel bad for her being stuck with a pos for an H :/ I really should look in the mirror more ...


Is this thread just a vent thread? If so, no biggie because we all need an outlet like that from time to time. 

Are you looking for people to share in your pity party? No doubt you'll find that here...but what good does that do for you in the end?

Do you want to ultimately fix this thing? Then change your approach. From what I read, you haven't really tried to change your approach.

Based on some of these recent exchanges, I get the feeling that this regularly bleeds over with your wife - where you use the sarcastic and whiny tone/phrases to get back at her. Huge, huge turnoff. You should not take that approach.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Heatherknows said:


> If one of those techniques is dressing up as Caesar Millan then he'll probably be successful.


Did Kendall's wife admit to him that she found him irresistable or is that a play on the "Kendall got replaced by a dog thread"? No offense intended Kendall, just trying to see where heather was coming from.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Just missed this in the OP, but Kendall you wrote that you were literally a ****old - which I assume is a name that rhymes with 'duckold'. Why are you saying that??? Does your wife have a lover?


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Did Kendall's wife admit to him that she found him irresistable or is that a play on the "Kendall got replaced by a dog thread"? No offense intended Kendall, just trying to see where heather was coming from.


I think that if Kendall began watching Caesar Milan and copied his "alpha male" style he'd get what he wants.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0m22Dt_uQuQ

(BTW I don't agree with all of his dog training techniques.)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The answer is the same as it was a year ago. This is the life you choose, and you're getting exactly what you chose to get. Congratulations.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Read married mans sexlife primer and report back in a year. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

90%
?????????? You know what they say about stats!

When resentment replaces love there's not much chance of saving a marriage!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

Some of the comments are a little harsh, but they are to try to stir you to action. 

You problem is not uncommon. MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage addresses both the issue and ways the YOU can change the dynamic in your relationship with your wife, without trying to force her to change.

I agree with Bad Santa in that this is not about one or both people being broken for needing to be fixed. It is about reconnecting and stopping negative feeling from feeding each other in a downward spiral. To stop that one of you needs to stop, forgive the other person, change themself and offer their spouse love. 

That is why MW Davis in her Book Sex Starved Marriage and Glover in his book NMMNG, stress getting a life, changing yourself, loosing anger, stop pushing your spouse so hard for something they aren't ready to give, but work on getting joy back in your life without co-dependence.

If you follow the advice of MW Davis or Glover, there where come a point when you are emotionally healed. At that point you will come to the realization that you deserve a good sex life with a woman that you can love and loves you. When that happens, you will know that you are either going to save your marriage or that you are going to move on, end it and then find someone who you can love and can love you.

I am a strong advocate for marriage and trying to make it work, but there came a point in my sex starved marriage where I mad e promise to myself that by a certain date I would be in a loving relationship with a woman, either my wife or someone new after I had divorced my wife.

That establishes the ultimate boundary condition and marriage is all about negotiations and boundaries.

Good luck to you and without action, things will stay the same.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think I remember that your wife is a child sex abuse victim. If that is correct, nothing is going to change until she gets qualified trauma therapy and does some hard work to overcome her past.

Being allergic to physical touch, e.g. hugs, is common in CSA survivors. No, it doesn't make you need touch any less, but it does inform you why she is the way she is.

If your wife isn't a CSA survivor, ignore my comments.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's why I've been advocating to first figure out what you're dealing with. Otherwise you run the risk of wasting your time trying to unsink the Titanic...

Start by using the well known five why technique . Thinking and being honest with yourself is a lot easier than pumping iron. You may need that for later of course but not now. 

Once you have some theories or options you can work out the rest of the why puzzle. But if you dive in with a backpack full of DIY pop psych books its not going to go well. 

Once you figure out plausible why explanations you can see how involved mitigation can be and decide...


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