# Yep, Sex life still sucks !



## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Well, it has been a long while since I posted here. Sorry to say that things are not better. I know why I'm posting, I have no one to talk to about this. Posting my problems makes me feel a little better so might as well right.

My wife has almost zero sex drive. Once every month or so. I'm not fat, ugly, selfish in bed, etc. We don't work too hard, we have time to be with each other. We have kids but they are not a problem. She admits to having no sex drive. She went to therapy for depression and was promptly cleared even though her therapist never talked to me despite my offer to attend a session. 

She is just not interested in physical affection or in putting fourth the effort to have sex. She even admits to not being affectionate and almost robot like. 

I recently met a woman 10 years younger than me. We worked together on a project for a week or so. I'm blind to most things (or have chosen to become blind) but even I could see the crush she had on me. Others noticed it as well. It was not a messed up or weird thing. She just likes me and had a hard time not showing it. She figured out quick I was married and tried to keep her crush as respectable as possible and I appreciated that. I was so flattered that it actually hurt. This woman is probably thinking how lucky my wife is to have me, wow, if she only knew. 

I think my wife looks to me like a best friend, the father of her children, life partner, and the guy she doesn't have to have sex with. I truly love her but the lack of attention is killing me. This has been going on for close to 5 years...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Marriage counseling? Sex therapy? Keep trying....


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I have been in your shoes. Thankfully when I finally was able to communicate to my wife that I was lonely even when she was right next to me, we made a commitment to try together. Things slowly got better and we've gone from desperation to a vibrant sex life. I only say that to let you know that there is hope.

I tried looking through your old posts to see what you've already shared, but let me just ask instead ... Have you spoken to her OBGYN? My wife and I discovered that hormonal birth control really shut down her sex drive, and were shocked to learn that many women experience the same thing. After trying different brands, we finally just went back to condoms and discovered that her sex drive was much better. Her Dr can also check her hormone levels and determine if she's out of balance.


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## catloverd (Jun 15, 2012)

Is she on birth control? Birth control actually lowers sex drive. So you might want to switch to condoms or some other form.

It seems you asked her about, but I think you need to communicate your feelings or find a way to get her in the "mood," Giver her a massage. Try surprise kissing her. Go away for a weekend, if you can, and take time to relax and enjoy to the two of you. 

Try going to a therapist together if nothing works out. It seems the problem might be solvable on it's own if you tell her how you feel.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

She had her tubes tied which can kill sex drive and can not be fixed. We talked about the hormone levels and she prefers not to take hormones due to her high cancer risk. She is on Prozac which can kill sex drive. We have talked countless times about it and nothing changes. She is actually very happy with the way things are and is not affected by the lack of sex or affection.

The weird thing about my wife is that when she wants to change something in her life it does not take her a few weeks or months to do it. It takes her a few years. She is extremely slow to change and prefers static routine even if it is destructive. We have tried a get away for the weekend recently. It was her idea. She does enjoy getting away on little vacations. Like usual we talked, had fun, had sex. That was 4 weeks ago and it also happened to be the last time we had sex. I can't exactly set up a vacation every time I want to have sex with my wife.

She knows I am a very sexual person. I was this way when she married me and when we were dating it was no problem. She even had her own mother tell her "If you don't start Fing' your husband someone else will." PS: My mother in law has a crush on me, great. 

I am of the belief that you do something cause you want to. I want to make love to my wife. She is not interested 90% of the time. I don't want her to pretend to be interested just to make me happy. That would make me feel like a pathetic looser. So, I'm stuck.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OMG Prozac? I am very HD and on Prozac I went for two years without masturbating once (I was single at the time). If nothing else she should explore an anti-depressant with fewer sexual side effects.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Yep. The deck is truly stacked against me. 

Question ladies: How long did it take you to figure out how to please you man? How long did it take before you knew exactly what to do to drive him crazy and you could make him orgasm in no time flat if you wanted to ? This is something I have been trying not to think about for some time now but I just have to know. I can make my wife orgasm once or twice orally before "sex". She, on the other hand, seems to barely have a clue when it comes to pleasuring me. It is like she forgets everything about me or really does not have a desire to figure out what I enjoy. I even tell her I like something when she does it and it just doesn't click with her ? This goes back to my theory that if you really don't want to do something you are not going to try very hard to get better at it. Keep in mind, 10 years we have been together.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, if you want to learn, it doesn't take long at all.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> Marriage counseling? Sex therapy? Keep trying....


Keep trying....quiting is the worst option.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's not always the worst option.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You have taught her how to treat you. And you have done that by reinforcing her behavior toward you with mostly unconditional love. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your response pattern to her.




Just1Man said:


> Yep. The deck is truly stacked against me.
> 
> Question ladies: How long did it take you to figure out how to please you man? How long did it take before you knew exactly what to do to drive him crazy and you could make him orgasm in no time flat if you wanted to ? This is something I have been trying not to think about for some time now but I just have to know. I can make my wife orgasm once or twice orally before "sex". She, on the other hand, seems to barely have a clue when it comes to pleasuring me. It is like she forgets everything about me or really does not have a desire to figure out what I enjoy. I even tell her I like something when she does it and it just doesn't click with her ? This goes back to my theory that if you really don't want to do something you are not going to try very hard to get better at it. Keep in mind, 10 years we have been together.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> She had her tubes tied which can kill sex drive and can not be fixed.


I`ve never heard of this.
Did she tell you this or did a doctor?

My wife had a tubal 11 years ago and it never affected her sex life.
As long as womans ovaries are intact and functioning the hormones that control her drive should be working just fine.



> We talked about the hormone levels and she prefers not to take hormones due to her high cancer risk. She is on Prozac which can kill sex drive.


The Prozac is a likely candidate.



> We have talked countless times about it and nothing changes. She is actually very happy with the way things are and is not affected by the lack of sex or affection.


Stop talking and do something.
5 years is unacceptable.



> I am of the belief that you do something cause you want to. I want to make love to my wife. She is not interested 90% of the time. I don't want her to pretend to be interested just to make me happy. That would make me feel like a pathetic looser. So, I'm stuck.


You`re only stuck because you allow yourself to be stuck.

You do not fulfill your own needs for the sake of your wife`s.
This will cause her to disregard and disrespect yours.
You`re being a doormat for taking this for 5 years.

I`d divorce but I would have tried to fix it before it got to this point.

Read this,

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

buy the book, run the MAP, set a time limit and if nothings changed even after this effort divorce your wife.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

wiigirl said:


> Keep trying....quiting is the worst option.


After 5 years it`s his best option if he wants a satisfying sex life.

Changing this dynamic he`s founded is going to be difficult and is going to take drastic measures.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What pisses me off about situations like this is that the woman CAN have sex, but because SHE doesn't want it/desire it, she doesn't have it....EVEN THOUGH she knows her husband wants/desires it.

Selfish much? Godam. I wouldn't stand for that shet.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> Yep. The deck is truly stacked against me.
> 
> Question ladies: How long did it take you to figure out how to please you man? How long did it take before you knew exactly what to do to drive him crazy and you could make him orgasm in no time flat if you wanted to ?


Think about it: how long did it take YOU to figure out how to get yourself off in no time flat, when you were (eg) a teen? Not very bleedin' long, I'd guess.



> It is like she forgets everything about me or really does not have a desire to figure out what I enjoy. I even tell her I like something when she does it and it just doesn't click with her.


What skills take the longest to master? 
1) Really technically difficult ones;
2) Ones you're not the remotest bit interested in acquiring.

This isn't brain surgery. It didn't take Mrs Beane more than a couple of *weeks* to _really_ work out how to push my buttons. If after ten years she hasn't worked out how to push yours, is suggests a fundamental lack of interest in figuring this out. WHY she isn't interested in learning is a more important question than how long it will take her.

I suggest that you read what MEM wrote very carefully. She isn't interested in learning because she knows she doesn't have to. You accept her lack of application as an occupational hazard.

Beware, though, there might be more to it. She works this way because
a) she can (see MEM's comment);
b) because it suits her.

You can address a). You CAN not put up with it. The question is WHY it suits her to act like this. That's the key, the answer you need to find.

It may be that there isn't a solution (as opposed to an answer / a reason), but at least you'll know.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Yep. Divorce won't work. I've been told in a playful manner that she would financially destroy me. Yep, screwed but not getting screwed. 

Tried giving her the cold shoulder, tried playing it her way and not even hinting that I wanted sex in any way, tried telling her that this has to change cause it is killing me and our marriage. Nothing works. She is not a mean or evil person, just clueless to my needs. She has other things to do so I get put so far on the back burner that I'm not even in the kitchen anymore. 

Weird thing is that the rest of our relationship is fine. We totally see eye to eye on money, how to raise the kids, politics, etc. Sex is truly our only problem. Yes, I have looked at this from multiple angles. We get along perfectly in every way, except sex.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> What pisses me off about situations like this is that the woman CAN have sex, but because SHE doesn't want it/desire it, she doesn't have it....EVEN THOUGH she knows her husband wants/desires it.
> 
> Selfish much? Godam. I wouldn't stand for that shet.


For some people, it's like when they feed young children. The kids say "I want a burger". The adult says "You'll have what you're given, and you'll like it, because there's nothing else on offer".


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

We all know this is deeper than can be covered in a few posts. I know some of the reasons my wife does not want to have sex. Prozac is one, she is not happy with her body (who is), she puts things off till the perfect time (no such thing as a perfect time), she gets occupied with everything else and ignores the glaring problems, etc. We all do a little of this in our lives but it sucks when you are the one getting hurt by it. 

I know her really well, much better than she knows me. She is stuck in her ways and totally clueless to a majority of my needs. Life, the kids, etc. takes up too much time. Sex is not necessary so do the other stuff and once a month or so we might have time for sex if the moon is just right and the stars are in alignment, etc. 

I'm not like that, I would rather make time to have a healthy sex life. I want to spend time with her. I want us to enjoy each other. That reminds me, she even complains that sex with me lasts too long. Yes, a woman complaining to a man that he lasts too long. It's not like it lasts 2 or 3 hours or anything. 45 min to an hour at the most. I had some girl friends that we just stayed in bed all weekend together stopping just long enough to take a shower, go out for dinner and get right back to it starting on the ride home. 

Uggg... I'll try to talk to her again this weekend.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So sorry, Just.

One more thing...remind her that when sex is good, it's about 15% of a marriage. And when it's not, it's about 95% of a marriage.

I wish you well.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Getting your tubes tied doesn't kill the sex drive... if that is one of her reasons, then it's mental. I was going to say that getting my tubes tied made my drive skyrocket... no more fear of pregnancy (duh, 5 kids later....). 

And no use talking about hormone levels unless you have them checked. There are natural things you can take, or do to improve those levels. 

I'm thinking a guy who rarely "gets lucky" would be pretty easy to please.... but someone would have to TRY. 

So why are you still with someone who doesn't show affection and doesn't care about your needs or pleasures? I don't get that... either side. I really don't see how she can justify it, or how you accept her justifications. 

Read up on tantric sex... its not about intercourse, its about intimacy and pleasure. Might be one way to get thru to her? I mean, if you are not getting any anyway it is worth a shot.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LOL, SunnyT -- I normally agree with everything you say, but if she complains about regular sex taking too long, I don't think she's gonna go for tantric


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I was thinking of that after I hit post. 

But... what if he could plan a date nite, get rid of the kids, keep it a surprize, do the whole candle light thing, and let her know that she doesn't have to do anything except show up and allow him to pleasure her. Tell her its not about intercourse, but about romance and togetherness.... and hope for the best! 

 Still seems like alot of "ifs", doesn't it? 

There wasn't anything I could do to make it more frequent, let alone better, with my ex. He wouldn't go for tantric, he acted immune to my ideas or attempts (lingerie, toys, locations), he wouldn't admit he was LD, he didn't talk about sex, just acted all macho but didn't deliver. I just convinced myself that "it is what it is".... for ALOT of years. 

Divorce was the best thing that happened to me in a loooooooooooong time. It wasn't the depressing end that some people fear.... it was a new beginning...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Same here! I don't agree with the general mantra here that all marriages are sacred and must be preserved at all costs. Some marriages are soul-killing.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Read this,
> 
> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
> 
> buy the book, run the MAP, set a time limit and if nothings changed even after this effort divorce your wife.


Was going to post the same thing.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Just1Man said:


> Yep. Divorce won't work. I've been told in a playful manner that she would financially destroy me. Yep, screwed but not getting screwed.


If you kowtowed to this crap, even delivered in a humorous way you really need to go read Athol Kay's book and No More Mr. Nice Guy badly. Even in my nice guy phase, if my wife had threatened something like to me, I would have shown her the door.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> She had her tubes tied which can kill sex drive and can not be fixed. We talked about the hormone levels and she prefers not to take hormones due to her high cancer risk. She is on Prozac which can kill sex drive. We have talked countless times about it and nothing changes. She is actually very happy with the way things are and is not affected by the lack of sex or affection.


See if she can switch to wellbutrin. It increases sex drive in a lot of people, my husband and myself included.

As for hormones, there are creams with progesterone in them available in health food stores. They work wonders to increase the feeling of wellbeing and sex drive in women.


Just1Man said:


> I am of the belief that you do something cause you want to. I want to make love to my wife. She is not interested 90% of the time. I don't want her to pretend to be interested just to make me happy. That would make me feel like a pathetic looser. So, I'm stuck.


So what you need to look at is why your wife does not want to. Are there other things in her life that are good for her that she does not do because she does not want to? Or is this the one thing? If so, there is a very good chance that some underlying anger/resentment from not having some need(s) met is the issue. And most likely she is not in tune with herself enough to know it, verbalize it and tell you what she needs from you.

Take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They might be able to lead you through the process of finding out what is missing for her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> Yep. Divorce won't work. I've been told in a playful manner that she would financially destroy me. Yep, screwed but not getting screwed.


Oh really?

Have you asked her if she is really ok with forcing you to stay with her by threatening you?

Have you check out your rights with a lawyer? She cannot screw you of her own design. There are laws ya'know.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> Yep. Divorce won't work. I've been told in a playful manner that she would financially destroy me.


I missed this before.

Dude, this is why you`re not getting laid.

You`re wife has your balls in her purse and she KNOWS IT!
That`s not something that builds respect/desire, it builds disrespect/revulsion.

Don`t "tell" her anything.

Go run the MAP.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

So. I did some soul searching and came to the conclusion that I am mostly to blame for this. Time to man up.

Yesterday I kissed on her, hugged her, brushed her as I walked by, etc...

I jumped in the shower with her before bed and told her not to bother getting dressed cause she was having sex with me tonight. She was all smiles. I was dominant and basically F-ed her brains out. While still on top of her (she was recovering from her 3 rd orgasm) I told her that we WILL to do this much more often. It is necessary for our marriage, keeps us connected, and makes us happy. She was dizzy but totally agreed.

This morning we talked over coffee, she was much more "into" me than normal. Not falling all over me like a puppy but looking to me as her husband and man of the house. I told her again how much I enjoyed our time together last night and I will take control of our sex life and make sure we stay connected. She totally agreed and was all smiles again. 

My wife is like butterfly fluttering around getting into all kinds of stuff. That is one of the things I really love about her, she is a very strong willed woman. The bad thing is that she looses track of basic things cause she always puts so much on her plate. It is my job as her husband to catch that butterfly from time to time and help her figure things out, stay on track, and F her brains out !

So. I'm done *****ing. The last 5 years have not been horrible but could have been much better if I would have taken much more control and not given her a choice. Sounds harsh but she wants and needs that. She has many qualities of a strong Alpha male and can really get things done but, she is still a woman. She needs a man stronger than her to love her, kiss her, pull her hair and make her feel like a woman.

I know how to do this. She didn't marry me cause I was weak. I got lazy in our relationship. If she made threats toward me it was a cry for help that she didn't even understand. I am going to stay on path with this and things are going to continue to get much better. 

It is my job to make sure of it.

Comments ?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

No comments other than to repeat what I've said.

It seems you see the benefits of manning up so go get that book I recommended as it delves into the details of it very well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Marriage counseling? Sex therapy? Keep trying....


Marriage counseling for sure. And, a different therapist for her. This therapist seems to have dismissed her really quickly by your account of the situation.

Have you told your wife that her performance is so bad you find yourself contemplating "what if"? Maybe knowing you are stugging with temptation (and have options) will break her out of her complacency.

Ultimately, she has to see this as (1) her problem and (2) an issue that needs to be resolved. If, for example, she goes to the therapist and says "life is good" or "my husband complains about sex, but I don't see it as a problem", then nothing will be accomplished.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Just1Man said:


> So. I did some soul searching and came to the conclusion that I am mostly to blame for this. Time to man up.
> 
> Yesterday I kissed on her, hugged her, brushed her as I walked by, etc...
> 
> ...


Well, I'm glad that you have been able to see your contributions to the issues. But, since a marriage is like this living thing between two people, your wife will also have to shoulder the burden of her contribution to the issues as well. 

It may be that you haven't provided effective leadership within the marriage, and you can work to rectify that.

But, it doesn't sound like your wife was forthcoming about working on the issues either, and it sounds like there may be things that she should look into that could help her physically.

She should be encouraged to go to her doctor for a check-up, discussion about possible complications due to her tubal, and discussion about the possibility of changing her Prozac (what a killer to libido that one can be). Why continue to have potential physical roadblocks if there is the possibility of removing them?

Keep on keeping on and working to improve you...it all starts with just one man... you. 

Best wishes.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Drover said:


> If you kowtowed to this crap, even delivered in a humorous way you really need to go read Athol Kay's book and No More Mr. Nice Guy badly. Even in my nice guy phase, if my wife had threatened something like to me, I would have shown her the door.


Yep. Not only that, but it might not even be true.

My ex tried to claim that I might as well tow the line because she would crush me financially as a woman is legally entitled to the same lifestyle she had during the marriage (which is a gross misinterpretation of the law).

Turns out that the truth is much more complex. If you get 50% custody (which means you need a place for you and the kids too) you might be surprised at how little you owe.

Further, that "marital standard of living" is more a cap than a floor (at least in CA). If you were earning XYZ during the marriage but your income goes up afterwards, XYZ is the basis for support. If you earn less, support goes down.

See a lawyer and get the real story.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dto,
This is so true. Friend of mine recently got divorced - he makes excellent money - and his wife tried to pull this maintenance of lifestyle thing and the judge shot her and her lawyer down immediately on that point. Judge said "this is divorce court, everybody loses here, the idea you think you deserve not to be impacted financially is simply wishful thinking and has no basis in law.

My bet: 90 percent of the men here who say "I can't divorce because I can't afford it" haven't ever done the research, talked to a lawyer.




DTO said:


> Yep. Not only that, but it might not even be true.
> 
> My ex tried to claim that I might as well tow the line because she would crush me financially as a woman is legally entitled to the same lifestyle she had during the marriage (which is a gross misinterpretation of the law).
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just,
I read your post about taking control. As for the comments your w made about financial destruction (yawn) she sounds like she is full of mischief. Women like that seem to respond very well to male sexual dominance. Clearly your wife does. My only suggestion is to keep the long term planning discussions to a bare minimum. She likes it when you "take" her, that much is very obvious.



Just1Man said:


> Yep. Divorce won't work. I've been told in a playful manner that she would financially destroy me. Yep, screwed but not getting screwed.
> 
> Tried giving her the cold shoulder, tried playing it her way and not even hinting that I wanted sex in any way, tried telling her that this has to change cause it is killing me and our marriage. Nothing works. She is not a mean or evil person, just clueless to my needs. She has other things to do so I get put so far on the back burner that I'm not even in the kitchen anymore.
> 
> Weird thing is that the rest of our relationship is fine. We totally see eye to eye on money, how to raise the kids, politics, etc. Sex is truly our only problem. Yes, I have looked at this from multiple angles. We get along perfectly in every way, except sex.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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