# miracle?



## hurt and cofused

My wife left me 6 weeks ago for a alot of reasons such as drug and alcohol abuse,neglecting her emotions and a huge falling out with my parents.
We still talk but she made really clear through a letter and talking that she is going to go through with the divource although the whole time she has said that she still loves me and cares for me.I have been an absoulute mess and she seems fine,she has moved 2 hours away and we have 2 young children also.I plan on moving where she lives in 3 months time after i told her this she said awesome maybe when you move here we can start rebuilding our realtionship if you are prepared to change,this blew me away and im going to take the bull by the horns but im confused as to why she has had this sudden change of heart,anyone have an idea?


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## noas55

She was giving you a last shot at a wake up call. My wife did the same 2 months ago.
She said she still loved you. It is your personal problems that she disliked and could not live with. She misses you and loves you, not your bad habits.
Stay in contact, but work on yourself and get rid of those demons. You need to work on romancing and not neglecting her.
This is my situation too. Since I have been doing it, my relationship has turned around as well.
hang tough cause if you don't change, you will probably lose her and the family until you get straight. GOOD LUCK!


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## moxy

You should start seeing a counselor for some of those issues. Your wife says she loves you and would consider rebuilding if you changed for good. I bet you that she meant it. It's the same thing I told my stbxh and I meant it (so I understand where your ex-w is coming from); unfortunately, I don't know if he's truly changing his ways or not, and if he doesn't, then there's no second chance. I suspect that in your ex-wife's case, real change of your problems might actually help you. So, now is the time for you to figure out what you want to commit to -- the life you promised her and that you say you want, or, the shenanigans that made her divorce you; you can't have both and she won't wait forever for you to choose.


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## hurt and cofused

Its just difficult cause of the distance between us,cause she cant see the progress i am making.I am afraid she might change her mind in the 3 months before i move to where she is staying.


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## TBT

Can't you drive up there on occasion over the next three months?


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## hurt and cofused

I just got off the phone and she said its a big maybe and that i would have to prove myself over a course of years,i know i can do it but im afraid she will meet someone or just change her mind in that time.


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## hurt and cofused

TBT said:


> Can't you drive up there on occasion over the next three months?


I will do that but i need to be closer so that she can witness change,


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## noas55

My wife pretty much said the same thing to me. She wanted me to change my bad habits that ruined our 24 year marriage.
She will wait because she loves you. You begin the changes. You see her in person and if possible use web cam or SKYPE so she can see you on camera. She knows how you are when you are IN your habits. She will be able to tell your are faking, or using.
This is all part of her IT COULD TAKE YEARS. You do what you need to do and I believe that the length of time in that phrase will come down.
My wife was telling me years, now it is a year or less. As we grow closer she changes the rules on things I COULD NOT DO with her, length of time and such. She has doubts but those are even coming down as the trust and feelings grow. 
DO NOT GIVE UP!!! If you want her.....FIGHT for your marriage & your life.


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## hurt and cofused

noas55 said:


> My wife pretty much said the same thing to me. She wanted me to change my bad habits that ruined our 24 year marriage.
> She will wait because she loves you. You begin the changes. You see her in person and if possible use web cam or SKYPE so she can see you on camera. She knows how you are when you are IN your habits. She will be able to tell your are faking, or using.
> This is all part of her IT COULD TAKE YEARS. You do what you need to do and I believe that the length of time in that phrase will come down.
> My wife was telling me years, now it is a year or less. As we grow closer she changes the rules on things I COULD NOT DO with her, length of time and such. She has doubts but those are even coming down as the trust and feelings grow.
> DO NOT GIVE UP!!! If you want her.....FIGHT for your marriage & your life.


I will never give up on her,hopefully her heart softens i know her friends dislike me so i hope they dont change her mind.


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## noas55

I will not lie, but they can. I pray you have same result as me. All the naysayers but 2 in her friends have converted and are now telling her to rethink on her desire of separation. They have told her she could lose me and that is not worth it.

Her heart will soften. Words matter, but ACTION & RESULTS are what she wants to see. You must build trust again. It can be done since she loves you and wants to work it out.
At some point you must forgive yourself, ask her for forgiveness, and she must forgive you too. If she does not, the bitterness can fester for years as my wife's did.
Stay strong and focused!

Are you two using facebook? if so remember that her friends can see what you put on your FB as well as to her. Keep all posts loving and nothing promoting your habits. Eventually your old habits will die in you and you will posts will become natural. This will help sway the friends. This is what I did.


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## cdbaker

hurt and cofused said:


> Its just difficult cause of the distance between us,cause she cant see the progress i am making.I am afraid she might change her mind in the 3 months before i move to where she is staying.


Dude you are missing the point. This statement makes it sound like you are more concerned that she won't see your efforts when your real concern should be whether or not you will be able to actually correct the very serious issues you are facing in yourself. Drug and alcohol abuse are incredibly serious challenges that will require your 100% focus and commitment to resolving, not allowing yourself to slip up even once.

You need to consider yourself one insanely lucky SOB because it sounds like she is openly willing to give you another chance, but she doesn't want you to just make her *think* that you have changed, she wants actual change. If all you do is translate the hurt and lonliness you are experiencing now into some surface level changes and an inflated belief that it'll lead to a unyielding commitment to new screw up again, you'll inevitably slide back into old ways and she will not be willing to go through this again with you. It's very common for guys in your situation, feeling desperate and afraid you are about to lose her any day if another guy tips his hat to her, to scramble about trying to just convince her that you've suddenly figured it all out and "will be good" from now on. I know what it's like because I did it myself. We can convince ourselves that it is genuine change too, because we believe that the misery we're in is so painful that we'll never allow ourselves to screw up this badly again.

Again, start counseling, join a local AA group, find one or more accountability partners, read some books, go to church, etc. Even if she has a change of heart and offers to let you move back in with her soon, say NO and let her know that you need time to work through these problems, "Because the last few months and years have been bad enough because of my behaviors, and I'll never forgive myself if I hurt you again like this after the incredible forgiveness and support you've shown me."

Just my two cents...


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## hurt and cofused

cdbaker said:


> Dude you are missing the point. This statement makes it sound like you are more concerned that she won't see your efforts when your real concern should be whether or not you will be able to actually correct the very serious issues you are facing in yourself. Drug and alcohol abuse are incredibly serious challenges that will require your 100% focus and commitment to resolving, not allowing yourself to slip up even once.
> 
> You need to consider yourself one insanely lucky SOB because it sounds like she is openly willing to give you another chance, but she doesn't want you to just make her *think* that you have changed, she wants actual change. If all you do is translate the hurt and lonliness you are experiencing now into some surface level changes and an inflated belief that it'll lead to a unyielding commitment to new screw up again, you'll inevitably slide back into old ways and she will not be willing to go through this again with you. It's very common for guys in your situation, feeling desperate and afraid you are about to lose her any day if another guy tips his hat to her, to scramble about trying to just convince her that you've suddenly figured it all out and "will be good" from now on. I know what it's like because I did it myself. We can convince ourselves that it is genuine change too, because we believe that the misery we're in is so painful that we'll never allow ourselves to screw up this badly again.
> 
> Again, start counseling, join a local AA group, find one or more accountability partners, read some books, go to church, etc. Even if she has a change of heart and offers to let you move back in with her soon, say NO and let her know that you need time to work through these problems, "Because the last few months and years have been bad enough because of my behaviors, and I'll never forgive myself if I hurt you again like this after the incredible forgiveness and support you've shown me."
> 
> Just my two cents...


Thank you that is very good advice,i truly believe this is a turning point in my life even if she decides not to come back.The lifestyle i was living was shocking,its like i was in a fog but now its all crystal clear.


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## hurt and cofused

Update,She rang me last nite saying she wants to sleep with me and that she misses being intamite with me.This really odd cause she was never really a sexual person before but ill take it.She has txted me alot more guess i need to sit down and talk to her to figure this out.


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## cdbaker

That seems like really strange behavior from her... is there any other context she provided to explain this? Why do you think she suddenly wants to sleep with you? Generally speaking I think it's a bad idea to be intimate with a partner when so much is still up in the air. It's a lot of pressure on you to perform and can really set you up for heartache if she is just horny and knows you won't turn her down.

So yes, you need to sit her down and figure out where she stands on everything. Preferably BEFORE the sexy time.


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## hurt and cofused

She wants me to prove myself to her before she decides to move in with me,prove myself as stay sober,get a job,basically be a better person.She is so angry at my parents over money issues its very hurtful some of the things she is saying.


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## cdbaker

All of those things make a lot of sense, I'm guessing they aren't surprising to you either. I would consider asking for some timeframes though so that it isn't all just left up in the air. Times to get together to discuss progress, make decisions, etc. Otherwise you might feel like you are nagging her over when she will come home, when you've been "good enough" to warrant that, etc. and she might feel the same.


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## hurt and cofused

update:Shes coming to visit me this weekend and we are staying in a hotel,i guess if i play my cards right things are looking good.She was so sure she wanted a divorce 3 weeks ago now this,its very confusing.


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## Tron

hurt and cofused said:


> update:Shes coming to visit me this weekend and we are staying in a hotel,i guess if i play my cards right things are looking good.She was so sure she wanted a divorce 3 weeks ago now this,its very confusing.


Even if it puts pressure on you, this is good news IMO. 

It means she misses you and likely isn't out looking for love with someone else. Also sounds like she is giving you time to get your act together. 

Pretend it's a first date, and try to put the hurt and confusion aside for one night. Be romantic. Have a plan. 

Enjoy her company and take advantage of the opportunity.


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## cdbaker

Did she explain why she is coming to visit? And why staying in a hotel instead of your home?

Are you still pretty confident that she isn't cheating? How have you started your process of changing so far?

My concern here is that she might come back too soon and you won't realize how serious of a situation this is, and take for granted how lucky you appear to be for getting a second chance (maybe). You really need to be focused on yourself and the things you need to change, not on winning her back as fast as humanly possible.


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## Tron

cdbaker said:


> My concern here is that she might come back too soon and you won't realize how serious of a situation this is, and take for granted how lucky you appear to be for getting a second chance (maybe). You really need to be focused on yourself and the things you need to change, not on winning her back as fast as humanly possible.


:iagree:

While the weekend may be a nice escape from your loneliness, and you have an opportunity to woo her a bit, the issues you have to tackle are monumental. 

What are doing about your addiction(s)?


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## hurt and cofused

I just finished our weekend,went really well,we talked and laughed made passionate love,she even stayed an extra night at my parents even though they dislike each other.Ive been attending AA for my addiction and am 8 weeks clean.


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## noas55

She has a right to want you to prove yourself to her, BUT it is more important to prove yourself to yourself. You make the changes to your satisfaction, she will follow.
Sex with her: Many frowned because I still had sex with my W. This is why I did it. 
We both were horny and we did not want any other partner. We knew exactly what it was about after talking. Sometimes the stress was too much and my ED issue kicked in. She was pleased so she took time out to make sure I was too.
Talk to your W and both of you need honest communication NOW.
If you both are staying exclusive then I say have sex. If you think that playing the filed is an option for you or her...NO sex.
One big reason if she wants to play field....what if she gets pregnant? You will know it isn't yours. Another is sexual diseases.
I believe she wants you and only you. I pray this is so and you can make the changes in your life that you need. Your relationship can be saved. Good luck!


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## noas55

Congrats on your 8 weeks clean status! I know it is hard, but this separation may have been what you needed. Grab it and never let go. Proud of you!


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## cdbaker

Have you made the commitment to yourself to stay clean forever? Have you made a list of the things you gain from that, and what you risk by slipping up?


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## hurt and cofused

i know ill lose everything if i use,i feel very commited to remaining sober.The funny thing is that shes been keeping us seeing each other again quiet to everyone,she told me it was a pride thing well now shes late and thinking shes pregnant.


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## Tron

I am not trying to stir things up, but is it yours?


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## hurt and cofused

Yeah,well it would make sense that its mine.I know alot of people say this but she is not that type of girl,hardcore christian.


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## Tron

OK. Good news there. Back to it then.

One day at a time

And no backsliding...


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## cdbaker

Why do you think she's keeping it a secret that she has been seeing you?

I mean, I can imagine possible reasons, but why do YOU think she is being secretive about it?

A pregnancy right now while you both are figuring this out would NOT be a good thing. I mean yeah, babies are blessings and all that, yada yada yada... but this would be BAD timing as it would only make existing problems worse, existing temptations more tempting, and add a whole mess of stress to an already volatile and stressful situation.


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## movealong

h and c, first and foremost, congratulations on 8 weeks! 

I am 6 months sober now, and while my W and I did not split, it is still up in the air. Each person's sobriety and emotional needs are different, but I would say this to you: Do not base your sobriety on anything but YOUR need to be sober.

It seems like you are on the right track. Keep fighting the good fight.


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## hurt and cofused

cdbaker said:


> Why do you think she's keeping it a secret that she has been seeing you?
> 
> I mean, I can imagine possible reasons, but why do YOU think she is being secretive about it?
> 
> A pregnancy right now while you both are figuring this out would NOT be a good thing. I mean yeah, babies are blessings and all that, yada yada yada... but this would be BAD timing as it would only make existing problems worse, existing temptations more tempting, and add a whole mess of stress to an already volatile and stressful situation.


I think she is keeping it secret cause she told everyone how sure she was that she was going to divorce me and she feels kinda embrassed now that she wants it to work.


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## noas55

My wife felt I would not make the changes that were needed for her to love me again. I would not put the time and fight into our relationship. It sounds like your Lady is feeling the same things.
If that is the case and you do whatever you MUST do to save your marriage, it increases your success chances. Keep striving for success


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## hurt and cofused

Now the games begin,ive moved closer to where she lives and now shes giving me the im not sure.I just sent her a txt saying im not going to keep coming and going and she txted back we should go to mc.Im kinda sick of feeling like this but dont know what to do.


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## cdbaker

She doesn't know what she wants, and I think by moving closer to her, it has been made that much more "REAL" for her. It makes her uncomfortable. I'm just catching up here, but it might be a good time to consider the 180. She has to make up her mind, does she want you or not.


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## hurt and cofused

She says her head is fighting with her heart?


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## Tron

hurt and cofused said:


> She says her head is fighting with her heart?


Which one has you in her life? Her head or her heart?


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## hurt and cofused

Tron said:


> Which one has you in her life? Her head or her heart?


I dont know,very confused.


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