# No one to turn to



## Bradley (Mar 21, 2020)

Never posted here or on such a personal subject but I literally have no one to turn to and just need to vent and maybe hear how others have dealt with this. I am about 2 months into a separation which is going to last 2 - 4 years. I am in the military and the reason for the long separation instead of going straight for a divorce is purely financial and will allow me to support our 6 year old daughter better and with less of a financial strain. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. after a big blow up at the beginning of the year she came out to me at told me that she has been talking to some sort of life coach about how she has felt about herself and our relationship since about the 2nd year we were married. According to her, she has basically been faking it for the last 11 years. On top of that, she feels like I forced her into having our daughter (although she does love her and wouldn't give her up for the world). She also had and IUD at the time so it's not like I removed it or anything. We tried counseling for about 4 weeks and then she tells me she is just going because I wanted her to go. It was at this point that I really started to feel like she had made her decision to leave long ago. Now, I am in the military and in June I will be heading to Okinawa for 2 years. She told me that she was waiting for me to leave so that she could see if a little time apart helped. I didn't tell her but I think that's stupid. Anyway, we have now filed for a legal separation which will likely end in a divorce when I return. Her family can't believe that she is doing this. Basically she is tired of me nagging her (according to her). I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last couple of months. I suppose there are some things I can or could have done differently. But hearing her say that she never really wanted kids, although we waited 5 years into our marriage to have our daughter and talked about kids many times, a lot of how she acts... has always acted... makes perfect sense in the way that the things she wants to do are severely hindered by having kids; at least for a while. She wants to party late at night several times a week. She spends indiscriminately. We bring home collectively 130k and it takes every ounce of fiscal responsibility and self control I have on my part to make the ends meet. Hell, there's people with 2 or 3 kids that make it on less than half of what we make. Not to mention all the benefits we have from the military. She can't clean up after herself or do any housework to save her life. If it weren't for me, we would never have clean laundry or dishes. She want's to hire someone to do everything around the house. The list goes on an on. Maybe I do nag her about these things but I am so tired of being the only responsible adult in the house. I honestly feel like I am the single parent of 2 children. On top of it all, there's no thanks for anything I do.

She has now moved out as we prepare to sell our home. We have a dissolution agreement being drafted with the lawyers and we are amicable and have agreed upon everything that's important at this point. The worst part of it all is that I find myself so lonely right now. I have spent 17 years in the military. I only have a few close friends and they spread out across the world. I am close with her parents but every time I talk to them they call her and remind her how dumb she is so I have quit talking to them. I am just really missing the companionship right now, just someone to be here with me instead of being in this house alone. When does this get easier?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

The military is a meat-grinder on marriages in the best of conditions, if she has been faking it for all that time and wants to walk, hire a lawyer now and allow the process of divorce to proceed.

If you drag this out until your 20 you will be giving her 50% of your retirement without any negotiation.

Your daughter is still your dependent, what state do you declare your domicile in?

You need to understand both of your rights in a divorce...

https://www.americanbar.org/groups/...vocate/2019/summer/divorcing-military-spouse/

https://www.militaryonesource.mil/f...-benefits-of-divorced-spouses-in-the-military


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## Bradley (Mar 21, 2020)

Unfortunately, she already rates 50% of my pension. We hit that mark once we were married 10 years. Luckily she wants, and is for the most part, keeping this amicable. our separation agreement addresses the issue of my pension. I told her that if we couldn't work a deal on my pension I would walk at the end of this contract and she would get nothing. I would be at 19 years but I could easily get another government job and buy my time back. It would take a little longer but I'd still have a pension. Luckily for me we have agreed on her getting 75% of the profit from the sale of our home and I have agreed to pay a little more that what California will mandate for child support in exchange for her releasing interest in my pension. Our agreement is in the process of being drafted by my lawyer. I am a resident of Washington state. As far as custody goes, she will get it for the time being since I am on my way to Japan. We intend to share custody when I return/retire. Looks like I will be tied to the not so great state of California for a while longer.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Seems to me that she’s rewriting the history of your relationship/marriage. 
This is par for the course when cheating is occurring. 
Just saying.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would file my divorce in WA if possible, lawyers may be more reasonable (I am a WA resident as well and divorced here a couple years ago).

Sounds as you are in a good place to play the "non-reinlistment" card if needed, we'll see how reasonable she may be.

As for easier... it all depends on how you look at your suffering.

If you take the time to see it for what is is, you will see that sometimes actions lead the way over words and she was probably true to those actions more than you wished to see. The truth is sometimes we choose to love the wrong person, but that she perhaps cannot see the value you brought to the relationship is not yours to own, if you look at loneliness as a bad thing it will be a bad thing, but loneliness can be a described as a good thing too... it is called solitude, and it means you have the time to prioritize the things in life that are necessary while weeding out the frivolous.

Before you leave for Japan, get your daughter an iPad (parental controls and simplicity) and spend the time training her how to use it so you can see another weekly and catch up with another's life (it moves way too fast these days). Get yourself one too and film your leisure adventures in Okinawa for her to see and share... it will keep you in a healthy place and give you the interaction you both need so she knows you are there for her even if so far away.

I do wish you the best...


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