# Husband Feels I am a Burden



## SadnBlu

Hello
I am a new poster and I really am looking for help with my problem.

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, with dating we've been together for 20 years. I know in some ways that I should have known better about him, but I stayed anyway.

We have had many difficulties over the years, such as my husband cheating on me and thinking that he had given me Aids two years ago, he is verbally abusive to me and he continues to cheat on me with call girls to this day. I have no family around me, my parents died when I was a child and my older brother has died as well. All I have are my 2 kids.

My recent problem lies in the fact that we just bought a home and I cannot find a job. I graduated from college back in 2010 and have yet to find full-time work. My husband is stressed about money and so he takes it out on me because I am not working. He tells me how I am so lucky that I stay home, but he screams at me that he is too stressed so I try to help him with his work. I do things for him all of the time and help in anyway I can with the work he takes home. I try to keep things nice in the house and with the kids,but he is always angry. I dread going to sleep because when he wakes up in the morning he wakes me up too because he is screaming f&*k you, you go to work! Just this morning he knocked over a chair screaming at me, "f-you, you don't know what it is like to work." 

He always tells me that everything is his in the house. He refuses to help me, but I always have to help him. I do work things for him constantly, butu I asked him once to read a cover letter that I wrote and he flatly said, NO! 

I did well in college, but I am at a standstill in trying to find a job. I have applied for many jobs to no avail. I have never felt so alone and sad. I feel like everyone is rejecting me and I am worthless. I do not want to be sad infront of my kids, but it is hard to hide it sometimes. Last night, I was cooking dinner and he came up to me and said that I needed to add something to what I was cooking, I said no, don't, I know what to do, but he did it anyway. I got upset and said that I would not walk up to him and add somehting to what he was cooking, and he said, that's because I know what I am doing. That embarassed and upset me because he says this in front of the kids. He says all kinds of things negative about me in front of the kids and when I call him on it he just strorms off and says don't talk like that in front of the kids....when he just did the same thing. After he said what he did last night, I told him that it embarassed me and it hurt me. I asked him if he thinks that I do anything well and he said yes, but couldn't come up with anything specific. 

He screams and yells and makes me feel so bad. Crying doesn't help, he will never talk about anything that bothers me and I know that me must hate me. I have put on a few pounds after my son and it has never come off, so I know that he is less attracted to me. He always was someone who stared at other girls right in front of me and when I was thinner, he would always say, get skinny and hot for me. I look back at pictures of myself from then and I looked good, I wish I had felt better about myself then, but he has always wanted me to be even thinner than I was, so I felt fat and unattractive compared to all the other girls he would see.

I am so upset, not working is killing me and on top of it all is my husband saying how I am lucky to be staying here. It would be so hard to leave as I have no family to lean on and a decent job seems to be hard to find at the moment. How can I survive all of the mental abuse and still keep it together for my kids? Some days I just don't know if things will ever get better. I often thinsk that if I found a job he would find some other way to pick on me. I knw this is a bit much, but is there anyone who can offer any advice to me?
Thanks


----------



## CallaLily

Do NOT make excuses for why you can't leave. 

My suggestion to you is, continue to look for a job like you have been. Get involved in a church or local support group where someone can help you out. Whether its helping you look for a job, helping to find shelter for you and your kids. Or someone that can help provide support for you during this difficult time. There are people out there I'm sure that are willing to help you out some if you let them know your situation. 

Get out some and make friends. Sometimes, Its not always what you know but who you know.


----------



## aston

Sounds like an arrogant inconsiderate jerk. Without making excuses for him.....having an affair is one thing but call girls???


----------



## SadnBlu

Thanks, I need to get myself together a bit and reach out. I think that is good advice. I will admit that it scares me to leave him because I have known this life for so long. But I really don't want the rest of my life to be this way.


----------



## CallaLily

SadnBlu said:


> Thanks, I need to get myself together a bit and reach out. I think that is good advice. I will admit that it scares me to leave him because I have known this life for so long. But I really don't want the rest of my life to be this way.


I am glad you do not want the rest of your life to be this way. You do not deserve for it to be either. You deserve better. Take small steps and you will some progress I'm sure. However, I will tell you until you can get some help job wise and a place to stay, IF there is any kind of physical abuse going on, then I will say take your child and get out now. Go to a women's shelter or something.


----------



## SadnBlu

aston said:


> Sounds like an arrogant inconsiderate jerk. Without making excuses for him.....having an affair is one thing but call girls???


I know, I often catch him on the computer looking up prostitutes. Even after the scare that he had AIDS, he still does this. He acts like he isn't hurting anyone by doing this. This is why talking to him about my problems is pointless.


----------



## Jellybeans

Sounds like you married a real peach. 

He's verbally and mentally abusive, he cheats on you with prostitutes, isn't a sharing kind of guy "this house is mine," and acts as your alarm clock each morning when you wake up by telling you to "F-CK YOU!"

Finding a new job is the least of your worries. Well, it's part of the bigger problem.

I'd find a job and leave his a$$ stat. He is treating you like a rabid animal. You deserve more, are worth more, and he's beaten you down so bad emotionally that you think thi sis prob the norm. Let me tell you, sugar. It's not. 

Damn, so much of this sounds like my exH. He used to tell me everything in the house was his, including my wedding ring "that's mine cause I paid for it." Um, sure. 

Thirteen years is a long time to be dealing with this foolery. You could tell him to shape up or you're gone but...will you? Will he actually commit to making a change? The sad thing is you have kids growing up in that environment who will look at this and think this is a normal/healthy relationship and may go on to have relationships like this later. 

You're going nowhere fast with him.


----------



## trey69

SadnBlu said:


> I know, I often catch him on the computer looking up prostitutes. Even after the scare that he had AIDS, he still does this. He acts like he isn't hurting anyone by doing this. This is why talking to him about my problems is pointless.


Yes, talking to someone who doesn't care about you or himself, is pointless. No more talking, its time for action! I hope you are able to get out of this mess soon! I agree about getting out there and finding some support. Support groups and or churches can sometimes help steer you in the right direction by having connections with certain things and certain people. I would look into that ASAP.


----------



## Jellybeans

SadnBlu said:


> I know, I often catch him on the computer looking up prostitutes. Even after the scare that he had AIDS, he still does this. He acts like he isn't hurting anyone by doing this.


That's because he's had zero consequences for his past actions. And also because by staying with him, you've showed him you don't hurt. Oh sure you may say it, but words are just that. Actions are the only things that matter.

With an abuser, you are dealing iwthth a different kind of person. They are a little bit like sociopaths. They don't give a fck about anyone but themselves. What you say means nothing to him because he's looking out for #1 (himself). 

He sounds like a narcissist. One who knows that no matter what he does, you'll always be there. Because you always have been. No matter what he says/does/he knows you are always going to stick around cause you have showed him that you will thus far. He's got it made (in his mind).


----------



## SadnBlu

Thank you all for responding. I just needed to hear that I am not crazy. When I read through this I realize how much I have to get my act together and leave. He calls me psycho when I get upset or cry because he just cannot understand how hopeless I feel. I need to be stronger and not let my fear overtake me any more and not internalize all the things he says about me. I made it through college with two kids and did well, now I got to believe in myself again and do it!!!


----------



## SadnBlu

Jellybeans said:


> That's because he's had zero consequences for his past actions. And also because by staying with him, you've showed him you don't hurt. Oh sure you may say it, but words are just that. Actions are the only things that matter.
> 
> With an abuser, you are dealing iwthth a different kind of person. They are a little bit like sociopaths. They don't give a fck about anyone but themselves. What you say means nothing to him because he's looking out for #1 (himself).
> 
> He sounds like a narcissist. One who knows that no matter what he does, you'll always be there. Because you always have been. No matter what he says/does/he knows you are always going to stick around cause you have showed him that you will thus far. He's got it made (in his mind).



I definately think he is narcissistic, but then again in his mind he is fine and I am the psycho.


----------



## justme25

SadnBlu said:


> Thank you all for responding. I just needed to hear that I am not crazy. When I read through this I realize how much I have to get my act together and leave. He calls me psycho when I get upset or cry because he just cannot understand how hopeless I feel. I need to be stronger and not let my fear overtake me any more and not internalize all the things he says about me. I made it through college with two kids and did well, now I got to believe in myself again and do it!!!


Oh my God, honey, no wonder your name on here is SadnBlu! I almost cried reading your post. 

Now, I will never tell you to leave your husband, or to stay because only you can make that decision (and I am betting that you know in your heart of hearts what is the right choice anyway) but darling, you have gotta talk to someone about this abuse you're living with. Google free counselling in your state, domestic violence/women's protection groups. They almost always offer confidential counselling and can help you just by listening and validating your feelings, concerns and anxieties and working with you on deciding that you want to do (or not do, as it might be). Babe, you need to do this for you.

I promise you, promise you, promise you that you are a perfect being, a good soul, and no matter what, you do not need to live in these conditions any longer. You honestly don't deserve this, no one does. Wow. Keep us updated, and you did good for reaching out on here in the first place.

HUGS!


----------



## SadnBlu

Thank you. I needed to hear that! I wish I could solve this as easily as I can write it out on here. You are so right that I need to talk to someone....badly. I have isolated myself from everyone and this is not good for me or my children. I am going to look into free counselling. I feel worthless most of the time and I can't feel that way, I have too much to live for. I need some interaction with others and I need to know that what I am feeling is not wrong. 

You know when my husband thought he had contracted AIDS and thought he may have given it to me, we went to see our family doctor. We went in separately, when I went in to see if I needed testing or what ever, the doctor said to me. "Well, he owes you a steak dinner after this, but you should also look at yourself and see what you may have done to lead him into this." My husband cheated on me with a prostitute, what did I do wrong. This kind of feedback on my problems leads me to more stinking thinking. I need to be stronger....I just need to know how! 

I am ashamed to say these things because right-minded people would never put up with this kind of treatment. I am just clinging on right now because I have put myself in a situation in which I have no outside help or friends. I can't talk to my kids about this, so I just bottle it up....I really need to see a counselor.


----------



## justme25

Far out.

I think, maybe, the Dr (who was a jerk!) was trying to suggest that if you'd been a nasty, frigid b!tch to your hubby, or whatever else women do that drives their men away, you might wanna look at that behaviour. I don't know, just throwing out something. In any case, that was lame, rude, and not at all supportive and clearly Dr A-hole doesn't have a clue about anything!

Please, please, please look into counselling. You will hopefully be able to find a domestic violence organization for free (I know monet is often a major consideration). I don't think counselling is actually the savior that many make it out to be, but in your case, you absolutely need someone to help you process and reframe all of these experiences, especially as you are so isolated. You are not psycho or crazy in any case. You're probably just drowning in your own marriage and for the love of God, honey, you need a lifeline.

Please do one really nice thing for yourself today


----------



## Jellybeans

What do your family and friends say about him?

Abuse will make you feel like you've lost your damn mind. Like you are the crazy one, so how you are feeling is totally normal.



SadnBlu said:


> He calls me psycho when I get upset or cry because he just cannot understand how hopeless I fell


That's because he lacks empathy. A hallmark of an abuser. He cannot and will not ever fathom how you feel because it's not possible.



SadnBlu said:


> I definately think he is narcissistic, but then again in his mind he is fine and I am the psycho.


Well yeah. That's because with narcissists, it's never THEIR fault. It's never their problem. They are perfect and everyone else is flawed.

I was married to a very emotionally abusive man. It does not get better. Unless they see what they are doing as wrong, acknowledge it, and actually put forth the effort to stop the abusive behavior. Most of them never do.


----------



## SadnBlu

My family always hated him, but I began dating him when I was 18 and unwilling to listen to reason! My parents died when I was young and so did my only brother years later. My parents never knew him, but my brother did and they (my brother and his wife) were not pleased with my selection of a boyfriend and eventual husband. I know that should have been my first red flag, followed by a virtual parade of flags. I do know that I bear some responsibility in staying so long.

And yes, the Dr. was a jerk...but I do see what you are saying. I hope he meant that and not that I should have been better in bed or something so that my husband would not rely on the services of a prostitute over me.


----------



## Jellybeans

The Dr. was an asshat. Really stupid what he told you...

Why did your parents hate your husband? Curious.


----------



## turnera

Look for a Women's Shelter in your area and go visit it. Ask them for advice and help in preparing to get a job and become financially stable without him. They will help you make plans to leave.


----------



## turnera

If you're in the US, look up United Way and find your local chapter. They will help you too.


----------



## SadieBrown

Your husband shows all the classic signs of a verbal and emotional abuser. You shouldn't allow yourself to be treated this way. You can't change him. You can only change yourself. 

You really need help, do you have a friend you can talk to? How about a domestic violence center in your area. Verbal and emotional abuse are also domestic violence. There are people there that can give you advice. 

Don't take it personally that you can't find a job - lots of people can't find jobs right now. Have you considered a temp agency? I got one of the best jobs I ever had by working for a temp agency. They sent me to a local company and the company hired me full time a few weeks later. You may need to take a lower paying job until something in your field opens up. Hopefully when the economy picks up you will be able to find something better. 

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Your husband sounds terrible. I am worried about you.


----------



## As'laDain

my heart goes out to you SadnBlu. i am worried about you because your husband does indeed show all the classic signs of an emotional and verbal abuser. you need to get out of this situation. verbal and mental abuse often turn into physical abuse when the abuser starts to realise that they are no longer affective at controling through verbal and mental abuse alone. you need to protect yourself and your kids. my wife an i recently helped a friend leave her husband after he became physicaly violent when she stood up to his abuse. in her case, looking back, he had always been manipulative, but in different ways. at first, he would be incredibly affectionate and would often compliment her, while criticizing her for mistakes. she tried to fix "her problems" to get more of the affection, but the criticisms would always just shift to other topics, and no amount of effort on her part truly made any difference. he often made her feel like she was the problem and it was her fault that he was not happy. he used statements like: "if you would just... if you were only... i wouldnt do ____ if you would/wouldnt..." eventually she started to realize that she was not the problem and started to stand up to disrespectful jusdgements and demands. soon after that the relationship ended with my wife and i taking her in and hiding her after he beat her and shoved her head through a window. they are seperated now and to this day he still claims it was all her fault. your husband has already shown that your feelings mean absolutely nothing to him. seek out help, find a way to end this destructive relationship. 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

educate and arm yourself. you are not crazy and you have done nothing wrong.


----------



## teahead

Your husband is a grade-A JACKHOLE!

Instead of sympathizing your plight in not having a job, he instead, crucifies you.

First of all, your full time job is raising your guys' two kids.

If he can't appreciate you for all you have accomplished, and cannot support you for finding a job (which should at most, be a part-time job so you CAN raise your kids), then the hell with him. DIVORCE HIS SORRY BUTT!

This is in addition to cheating on you. For Christ's sake, on hookers? That alone would be grounds to kick him to the curb! And have him pay child support!


----------



## SadnBlu

I truly appreciate everyone who responded to my post. It makes me realize that I am not what he says I am...and that I need to be stronger. This morning I have been wotking on an application package to send out for a job. I am motivated to make a change. Just pray for me that I might find a job, because that is the key to me and the kids leaving.

I am also going to look into support groups because I have literally isolated myself so much that I have no good friends at the moment. I need that to change so that I can really do this...I need some moral support when I get weak and think things are bearable. I am tired of being abused and I cannot let my kids see this any more....so please pray that I can find a job.
Thanks so much everyone...this has made me feel better, getting this out.


----------



## teahead

I hope you find a job so you can be independent enough to leave that bum!


----------



## turnera

Don't forget the United Way. They can help you get counseling to counter the low self esteem from the abuse, as well as ways to help you get a job.


----------

