# Just decided to separate and now a divorce



## R.J. (Dec 7, 2011)

I feel like it's all surreal. I just decided to finally separate from my husband and get my own place. I haven't even moved out of our current place and now I've filed for a divorce. I feel happy because I'll finally have peace, but I'm sad all at the same time.

It's all happening so fast. I woke up one day and decided I couldn't stand living in the same house as him. Then I woke up a few days later and decided I couldn't stand even being married to him.

I informed him that I filed for divorce and he really didn't show any reaction which confirms my belief that he doesn't care.

I just want the sadness to go away. Perhaps once I officially move into my own place in a couple of weeks and have him served with the papers, my heart will begin to heal. Until then, I just don't know.

-R.J.


----------



## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

No matter the circumstances, it still hurts and it is very sad. Lots of decisions to be made.


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Hi RJ...I was and still is in the same position as you are now. I separated from my husband a year ago, because I was feeling deep resentment for him, and I think he feels the same way as well. I got my own apartment, and for the first few months, I was busy trying to set up the apartment. I had deep bouts of depression, but my friends and my wonderful daughter helped me get through it. I travelled any chance I get just so I could get away. All this time, I was generous and kind to my husband hoping that he will realize what an outstanding catch I am.
A year later, instead of trying to reconcile, my STBXH decided that we should finally get a divorce. He said this to me through text ( which is the favorite medium of cowards like him). I asked him why, and he simply texted, "because it's time."
I am sad most of the time, not for losing my husband, which I know now will never be good enough for anybody. But for losing the dreams, hopes, and contentment that comes with knowing that you are with somebody who will possibly be with you forever, and that you will not feel lonely again.
And now you feel like you're back to square one..
You will still have loneliness, sadness, and anger. It's all normal.
I am starting to feel hopeful, it's frustrating sometimes because the sadness just won't go away.
If you are one of those people who's a hopeless romantic like I am, there will be times when you look around and you check for potentials..but it takes your mind away from the horrible feeling that divorce brings anybody.
It's interesting to get it from the "filer's" point of view, I always thought it was the "filed on" who feels like we're such undesirable losers. I call me the "dumpee," and my husband as the "dumper" since he was the one who filed on me, and it makes me angry that he would just give up on our marriage like that.
Think very very well if this is what you want, and if you've exhausted everything before you pull the trigger.

Best of luck!


----------



## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

I myself just separated just over a couple weeks ago. The strains of the marriage was actually making my body sick. I literally thought I would have a heart attack. I love my wife, but I didn't love my life. When I met my wife it came with allot of baggage. She had to be very special to me to look past all of it and follow that now breaking heart. She has 3 kids. One at the time was pregnant at 16. Now that kid is 22 and has 2 children. The first one we ended up raising and I grew such an affection like she was my own. My wife's 2nd daughter is now 20 and had to follow suit with her sister and have her own child because all the attention my wife gave to the 1st daughters children. It was sick and a horrible game. Both my wife's daughters have done nothing more than to break me down in sinister ways and manipulate their mother with guilt etc. I believe I may have stayed in the marriage for the love of the 1st granddaughter we raised for over 3 years! We even for a time were raising the 2nd one as well. I just never let my heart get into that one because I knew it was all killing me inside, although I cared for her very much. My heart just knew that I couldn't take much more. My wife and I could never have a life of our own. Her closet enabling killed it for me, but I do still love her. A counselor I went to thinks the kids share a sociopath lifestyle and suggested I find ways to let it all go in fear of me losing myself in it all. The drama was overwhelming and I know my wife is stuck in a trap herself, but doesn't have the tools she needs to find to deal with it.

It's not a celebration of the escape from it. Just like others here the thought of finding a new partner seems overwhelming right now. I was just exhausted. Although the partner that I had when we were allowed to have it i miss dearly. So, I do grieve. I miss my granddaughter horribly.


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

nick15 said:


> I myself just separated just over a couple weeks ago. The strains of the marriage was actually making my body sick. I literally thought I would have a heart attack. I love my wife, but I didn't love my life. When I met my wife it came with allot of baggage. She had to be very special to me to look past all of it and follow that now breaking heart. She has 3 kids. One at the time was pregnant at 16. Now that kid is 22 and has 2 children. The first one we ended up raising and I grew such an affection like she was my own. My wife's 2nd daughter is now 20 and had to follow suit with her sister and have her own child because all the attention my wife gave to the 1st daughters children. It was sick and a horrible game. Both my wife's daughters have done nothing more than to break me down in sinister ways and manipulate their mother with guilt etc. I believe I may have stayed in the marriage for the love of the 1st granddaughter we raised for over 3 years! We even for a time were raising the 2nd one as well. I just never let my heart get into that one because I knew it was all killing me inside, although I cared for her very much. My heart just knew that I couldn't take much more. My wife and I could never have a life of our own. Her closet enabling killed it for me, but I do still love her. A counselor I went to thinks the kids share a sociopath lifestyle and suggested I find ways to let it all go in fear of me losing myself in it all. The drama was overwhelming and I know my wife is stuck in a trap herself, but doesn't have the tools she needs to find to deal with it.
> 
> It's not a celebration of the escape from it. Just like others here the thought of finding a new partner seems overwhelming right now. I was just exhausted. Although the partner that I had when we were allowed to have it i miss dearly. So, I do grieve. I miss my granddaughter horribly.


Nick15, If I didn't know any better, I would have said you are the male counterpart of me. I have a daughter from a previous marriage which I raised on my own to be a responsible and respectful child. I waited for her to be all grown up before I gave anybody a chance to be close to me. When I married my STBX, I knew he had a lot of baggage, 4 teenage girls (go figure!) These girls even then, did nothing but made him feel like a failure because of the divorce. They were guilting him all the time, and he fell into that trap. But I loved my husband, and my daughter looked to him like her real dad. My daughter once told me that she will do anything not to be the cause of my relationship failure because she wants me to be happy. And by Golly, she did. Obeyed every rules and regulations my husband imposed on her just so there will be peace in the house. But once my husband's daughter moved in with us, all rules went out the window, I was feeling deep, deep resentment and anger for that because I felt like my child was bullied for doing the right thing for the sake of his horrible bratty children. The first one got pregnant at 17, and is now on welfare with two kids. The second one called me all sorts of name because I'm foreign. And through all this, his family keeps egging his children that they have the right to act out because of the divorce. I cannot handle the drama anymore to the point that when my daughter reached 18, she moved out and started supporting herself, she wouldn't go to the any occassion with my husband's family because they make her feel like crap. This is a child who gave up her friends, family, country and culture in order to give me a chance at happiness. My husband continued to be a vapid cowardly enabler because he has 4 children plus relatives hitting him on all sides to do the wrong thing.
Now..i've vented, thank you!!!


----------



## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

Yes, it does sound very familiar to my situation. It's ashame because I knew what a sacrifice
it was on my part. I have no children of my own. I knew right from wrong and tried to make moral, ethical decisions and act also as a parent to my grandchild. On some levels I find relief that there are others that understand and can relate to what I have been through. I thought I had hand picked the most drama laiden family on the planet. Almost, backwards to a fault. For a short time my wife tried to be the tuff parent, but it didn't last long. Her kids knew that by having children she would be forced to chose a side and I was never going to be the person that was going to be a priority. I was a good husband. I sacrificed so much to be a helpful roll model and I was torn down because of my ethics. I know that my wife will live a life of misery trying to cover their tracks and I dispise that for her, but she made her choice. In the end I felt I was being punished instead of the kids. I feel no sense of accomplishment for my efforts. My wife had noticed for a long time now that my romantic envolvement with her was getting more distant all the time. She had pointed out to me that in the past year we had sex maybe 5 times. It was true. I had lost my desire to be intimate to the point we hardly even held hands. Lived more like roomates. I hope I left a mark in some way, but I feel denial will get the best of this family. It's ashame because I thought this family might have a chance.

ProfJ, I hope your daughter will rise above the situation yall were in and do what is right for her. I hope that you found peace in your situation as well as I don't know exactly if you got away from it or not. I want to express my deep felt empathy for what you and your daughter had to go through. It hardly seems fair that some people can take so much without the regard as to the harm it does to those that had no fault in the choices others chose to make.


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks Nick15...When we migrated here, my daughter and I were totally dependent on my husband. I knew then that if I didn't find a job good enough to support myself and my child, my husband and his family will continue to treat us like we were less of a person.
I thought that if I get a good job, I will finally get the respect that I am looking for, this only angered them because who am I to out earn them?
My daughter is hurting...she wants to talk to my STBX because she wants to tell him how she loved him and how he disappointed her by breaking all the promises he made to us before we got married. I didn't think it was a good idea, but it's a battle that my daughter wants to face, and I can only pray that her heart doesn't break any further. This divorce process is harder on her than on me. She's young, idealistic, and a hopeless romantic, and she couldn't figure out why we can't make it work. (I hate myself for putting her through this hell when she didn't do anything to deserve it)
But she's a wonderful child...kind, generous and loving. I used to think then that she will be a gift to the man I will finally choose to marry, and my coward of a husband threw me away along with that gift away.She's a dean's lister at the University and works with disabled children, but oh boy...she's in a world of hurt right now.
Nick15, Dramas are not needed in order to have a relationship. You and I, we can't compete with the children. I am a mother too, and I know sometimes what my husband is thinking. I will never sacrifice my daughter for anything that is unreasonable. But that's the problem with my STBXH and your STBXW, they don't know how to discern between reasonable and unreasonable, and for that...they will regret it someday, while we have moved on and recovered from this horrible situation they've put us in.


----------



## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

ProfJ, it does sound like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and has to investigate her own resolve on her own time how to move on from this situation as well. I think it is wise on your part to allow her to figure that out. I would like to believe it will set a pattern for her to understand how future relationships work. I know when I went to my counselor on how to deal with this situation her main statement that stood out the most was that I was in a crisis situation that caused her concern. By the end of the session she handed me a simple piece of paper that had several sentences outlining one main course of action. HOW TO LET GO. It scared me. It was too simple. Something that crosses your mind everyday in this crisis situation. Letting go meant that a daughter figure I had as a granddaughter had to be let go as well. While loving on my granddaughter and playing with her and reading to her and everything else a loving person in my position gave to her had to at the same time while doing all these things train my brain and body to LET IT GO! I would tear up during this process. I still tear up even writting this thinking about her. But, it's part of the process and I must go through it so I don't mind talking about it. I can only hope that your husband or ex will not manipulate the situation. And if so, she will be the wiser to read though it. Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulder. So do you. I know it was a brave and difficult process to move beyond this place in your life. He chose his course of action to alienate you and to control you like his kids are doing to him. My wife was doing the same thing. Control is a sign of weakness. Confidence is a desire to lead with honor. That very thing I tried to do was taken from me and it sounds like from you. I know you feel bad for your daughters sake. She didn't ask for this it was presented to her. You didn't want that for her and it was his and his families choice to hurt you and your daughter. In the end, it's just all very sad for both our sakes. I still don't wish ill will towards my wife because that is my nature. I even still love her and miss her. Her world will always be one of kaos and crisis as her kids will make sure of that. I see forward to great misery and pain and I find no comfort in all this. I just know that I need to reclaim my life and see what doors open for me... 

Where did you migrate from?


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Let's just say I'm Asian...I had to fight every stereotype about mail order brides when I migrated here, barring my education and my corporate and academic background, people in rural America are quite unforgiving to those who look, act, and talk differently than what they are used to.
I'm sorry about your grandchild, I would've thought that by being loving to your wife's daughter's child , your stepdaughter will be grateful for the kindness and love that you have shown her child. Heck, I'm bending over backwards anytime my STBXH shows any consideration and kindness towards my daughter.
But it's their loss, and they will realize these losses in the long run.
We're hurting right now, I cry at the drop of a hat still. I miss my husband as well, and I still love him despite everything that's happened. It's been a year, and I still find myself in a dark and twisted place, wondering how it has all come to this. According to my husband, I brought this all to myself (with all the smug narcissistic arrogance he could muster).
There are good moments though, when I could go out with friends and have a few glass of wine which I was never allowed to do when we were together (since some Baptist think alcohol is evil and demonic).
But there are moments when I'm ok, not happy, don't know when that will happen again. But the ok moments, are what we can aim for at this time.


----------



## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

Oh, I'm sure my stepdaughter when it suited her thought it was wonderful that I was there to be a part of the raising of her daughter. After all, it gave her the freedom to have her fun and bring more children in the world to fatherless kids. Common sense didn't apply here. The stepdaughter new what she was doing. She says all the right things to your face and does an about face behind your back. Feed her kids candy and a little love charm and she thinks she is the wonderful parent that raised her kid. made me sick. She plays people. Total user. The victim card was played constantly. It's how she got her mom into her good graces again. I wanted to turn her into the Army she got thrown out of for having an affair that produced a baby. Army didn't have the balls to give her a dishonorable discharge and instead just wanted to wash their hands of her and gave her a general discharge. After a 6 month appeal process she was able to now get benefits and now disability. Mostly using resources we all pay for under false pretense. I myself after all this feel the same way as the army. Because of the kids, I just wash my hands of her. If she crosses my path in a bad way, I won't hesitate for a moment to turn her in for fraud or at least make someone take note of her behavior. I suppose I'm still a little bitter.


----------



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

It's weird that are stories are so much alike...I have a stepdaughter too who can be the devil's spawn as far as I'm concerned. Called me a scammer and a third world opportunist. 
Are you sure you're not me in male form?  I imagine sometimes of ways to make her life miserable, but hey, what will it accomplish, so I just let it go.
It's understandable to be bitter. I am very very bitter towards my stepdaughter as well, but if you think closely, they won't be able to act that way if they knew they can't get away with it.
And who's the enabler..? our spouse, that's right!


----------

