# A sexless marriage - what to do?



## lisa1234 (Nov 3, 2012)

I have been married for nearly 18 years. For the past 10 yrs or so, we rarely are intimate and often go a year or more in between. I have almost always been the one to initiate. When I express frustration about this, my husband often says it's because he doesn't feel close to me because I can be moody. (True, but there are plenty of times when I'm OK) Now he is diabetic an unable to function as he used to. Has tried 2 different medications (over the years) with little success. Now when I bring up sex he tells me it's not fair because it doesn't work the same for him anymore. I told him I need that connection (kissing, touching) and he still ignores me. I have asked him to talk to his dr. about this and he never does.
Otherwise, we get along OK. We have 2 kids - ages 14 & 15 - who would be devestated if dad & I divorced. Not to mention I cannot afford to live on my own . . .
Not sure what -if anything- I should do at this point. I feel very cheated, often angry, about what I'm missing.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not trying to be judgmental ...just trying to help you identify what the problem is, or at least the trigger. That said - when this whole "freeze out" started, had you gained a lot of weight? I ask because some guys have a real aversion to overweight women. 

A friend of mine - Steve, from work - actually eventually left his wife because she had put on 20 pounds and he couldn't stand looking at her, much less being intimate with her. I think Steve was being a shallow, hypocritical jerk, but there it is.

True - if 20 pounds gave him that much trouble, and he ended up leaving her, he obviously had fallen out of love with her and the weight issue was just a symptom of the overall failure of the relationship.

Could this be the issue?


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

learn to live alone in your own home. There is no cure for a selfish spouse believe I know. It's like banging your head into a wall. Hang in there your kids will be grown soon and you have alot more options


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## IamBlue (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm in exactly on the same boat as you are.We have been together for 18 years,married for 16 years.We have not been intimate for almost 7 years.He has a condition like your husband has and he would not do anything about it.Maybe because he's content and he knows that I wouldn't do anything since I don't have the means to do so.First couple of years it didn't bother me,but now it's taking a toll on me to where I feel so depress and lonely all the time.I don't know what to do either.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm guessing there's a lot more to this story.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

lisa1234 said:


> I have been married for nearly 18 years. For the past 10 yrs or so, we rarely are intimate and often go a year or more in between. I have almost always been the one to initiate. When I express frustration about this, my husband often says it's because he doesn't feel close to me because I can be moody. (True, but there are plenty of times when I'm OK) Now he is diabetic an unable to function as he used to. Has tried 2 different medications (over the years) with little success. Now when I bring up sex he tells me it's not fair because it doesn't work the same for him anymore. I told him I need that connection (kissing, touching) and he still ignores me. I have asked him to talk to his dr. about this and he never does.
> Otherwise, we get along OK. We have 2 kids - ages 14 & 15 - who would be devestated if dad & I divorced. Not to mention I cannot afford to live on my own . . .
> Not sure what -if anything- I should do at this point. I feel very cheated, often angry, about what I'm missing.


Try reading my post on Self imposed rejection.
Men don't like moody women. They are afraid to approach them. Excuse the generalization. 

It's also kinda passive aggressive for a man to with hold intimacy when he's pissed about something else. You didn't pay enough attention to him, or show him off in public, or make him feel like a big stud when he wanted you too. The common excuse is they don't feel close to you, yet they are unable to give you reasons why. 

That's because you might have said or did something and he didn't even hardly react. He just stored it up for later.... and added another chunk of resentment to the growing pile of dung.

It's easy to blame yourself, and it's easy for him to blame you.

But keep one important thought in mind.
If you did something that he did not like... he had a responsibility to tell you, to talk to you about it, and offer you the opportunity to correct it.

If he doesn't do that... then it's just an excuse and a way to blame your for HIS problem. 

He has a problem with initmacy. He needs to solve it. 
He knows what his problem is. He just isn't telling you. 
Or there is way more to his problem than you know. Like someone else.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

deejov said:


> Try reading my post on Self imposed rejection.
> Men don't like moody women. They are afraid to approach them. Excuse the generalization.
> 
> It's also kinda passive aggressive for a man to with hold intimacy when he's pissed about something else. You didn't pay enough attention to him, or show him off in public, or make him feel like a big stud when he wanted you too. The common excuse is they don't feel close to you, yet they are unable to give you reasons why.
> ...


I can't really argue with this for the most part. Although I don't need to be shown off in public. Just not disrespected. And what man doesn't want to feel like a stud? So ya, moody and a lukewarm response to me sexually, and disrespect will turn me off pretty efficiently.

And if I have to explain it to her then it feels like any behavior change is an act, so I likely won't say anything.


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

@lisa & Iamblue: I feel for you man. I'm pretty much in the same situation:-( I'm not sure what to suggest although I wish I did. One thing I have done is talk to more friends for the connection, although it's not quite the same connection you want. I also actually try and go out with them more often than I used to. It keeps you company.



WorkingOnMe said:


> I can't really argue with this for the most part. Although I don't need to be shown off in public. Just not disrespected. And what man doesn't want to feel like a stud? So ya, moody and a lukewarm response to me sexually, and disrespect will turn me off pretty efficiently.
> 
> And if I have to explain it to her then it feels like any behavior change is an act, so I likely won't say anything.


So does this in itself kill a mans desire to even want intimacy and sex then? Like the more it happens the more strikes it has against wives??


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm guessing there's a lot more to this story.


Me too!








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

timeforchange said:


> @lisa & Iamblue: I feel for you man. I'm pretty much in the same situation:-( I'm not sure what to suggest although I wish I did. One thing I have done is talk to more friends for the connection, although it's not quite the same connection you want. I also actually try and go out with them more often than I used to. It keeps you company.
> 
> 
> 
> So does this in itself kill a mans desire to even want intimacy and sex then? Like the more it happens the more strikes it has against wives??


It kills desire for her. Not for intimacy and sex in general. Is that what you're asking?

I suppose in some ways it's a cumulative thing. I've felt for a long time, and told my wife, that each time she rejects me (we have a history of this) I will not initiate until she does. So I choose not to be vulnerable to her more than once in order to protect myself. It wasn't always like that. In the beginning we just followed a more natural flow. But a lot of water has gone under that bridge, so now she doesn't get the complete me anymore.


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