# Need guy advice



## search (May 7, 2012)

I have been divorced since '08. My ex is gay. We had two kids together. The fact that he is gay is not as hurtful as the fact that he didn't pay child support, and had to be sent to jail to pay up. He sees the kids once a week.

I now have a wonderful fiance, who moved in with my boys and I in January. 

About once a week, or couple of weeks, he gets really moody and angry. I ask him about it, and he says it is because he cant talk to me about my kids...I get that. If he is upset with them, he doesn't feel like he can tell me, because I get upset. 

Last night, my kid wanted to stay out until 9PM at a friends house. My fiance said he thought that was too late, and proceeded to have a little temper tantrum...saying that he has no say in their lives, and I don't include him in things about the kids. (but I do!) Then, I went to get my kid early, to appease the situation. When I son walked in, he changed the channel on the TV...My fiance didn't seem to be watching it, but then said "oh, don't worry, I wasn't watching anything" (sarcastically) My kid didn't catch the nuance, and said "ok, thanks!) My fiance said to me, "Well, it would have been nice to have him ask first"...

He said we need counselling. I agree. We have it scheduled for next week. 

I don't know how to take all of this. I take it personally. I get really upset, and cry when he is like this. 

Other things he has gotten mad at me about...he thought I was checking out another guy at a school function, he thinks I only cook for the kids, and not him (he is a bodybuilder, so only lean meat and veggies), I didn't have sex with him one night because I came to bed too late, and he was asleep...I just don't know what is going to make him mad next. Do you really think it is about me being too sensitive about issues relating to the kids? 

He helps me a lot. He loves my family, and really likes visiting my mom, dad, brother, etc...He is very thoughtful most of the time. But these little outbursts are very upsetting to me. I have to walk on eggshells when he is like this...

Is this normal? My ex never did this...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you are walking on eggshells, then things aren't good.

First thing, what do you expect from him in regards to discipline and your children? Discuss this with him and come to some agreement now - before you actually get married.

As for the other things you describe, he sounds like a jealous child who throws fits to get attention. Not sure if that's too harsh, but that's what I got out of your post.

I would hope that once you've dealt with the first item (how he should handle the kids), then he can no longer blame you for his tantrums.

Family therapy or couples counseling couldn't hurt.

Good luck!


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## search (May 7, 2012)

Thank you for your replies! We talked the other night, and come to find out, he doesn't think my kids respect him, or me. He pointed out some discipline issues that he saw, and said he would have handled them much differently. He really wants to be involved, and said he has to get used to the fact that he is not an equal parent. I think I am beginning to understand!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Search, it's really hard to be the step-parent -- you constantly get the consequences of behavior, but you don't have a voice in correcting the behavior. I'm glad you guys talked -- cut him some slack.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

It is interesting that sombody would be expected to be a co- head of houshold and yet not have full parenting rights. I can say from a mans perspective that it would be an immediate deal breaker. I have standards and live by standards. My job as a parent is to primarily (raise) the children. It IS your responsiblity. Otherwise you are simply a guest having sex with their mom. And will be treated as such. I have seen this rip families apart or eventually the guy writes the kids off and laughs as the mom basically raises them by herself with him in the house. It is a sad and stupid thing to watch.

That is the primary reason why is is not a good idea to introduce children to people until you know they are the one. The spouse sounds like he is mentally not ready to take over as a parent. Sarcasm (is not appropriate for yourg children). They are not prepared for the (reading into things). Especially given that they hardly know him. I am the most sarcastic person you will EVER meet but it was used sparingly and increased over time as the children get older and it is not used to convey thought of disagreement.

The healthy way to disagree with somebody is to be open and honest (especially with family) taking the time to explain why you do not approve of what just happened and then discussing it. The ability to talk to each other only when we agree is not effective communication.

It sounds like you are on the right track with taking the time to communicate together. That is your most powerful weapon. The other would be deciding what your goals are for the family as a whole and then doing something to live up to those goals each day.


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