# Need advice on husband with a Grindr account



## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

Hi all. Just looking for some other point of views on something. Just a little history—

10 years ago I logged into hubby’s computer and found that he had been emailing men on Craigslist and asking them to come over for blow jobs. He would do this when I was out of town. He swore up and down it was all talk and nothing physical ever happened. So we did not split up. However he knew this was really upsetting to me and I took a long time to heal from it.
Fast forward to present time and I was on his computer again. In his google app purchase history it shows that he has been downloading Grindr while I am at work and kids are in school. He then deletes the app before we get home. I can see that he has the app installed for a few hours during the day. I don’t know much about Grindr and have not actually seen the messages. However I have heard it is mostly an app for gay men to find each other. Can someone tell me how this app works and what he is probably doing on there? Should this be a big deal or do I ignore it?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

This may not end well at all...

It is a big deal because it is affair fodder, gender doesn't matter... do not ignore it and think seriously about STD testing.

I would not be engaging in any sex with him until this is settled, and by settled I mean full trust in his fidelity.


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> This may not end well at all...
> 
> It is a big deal because it is affair fodder, gender doesn't matter... do not ignore it and think seriously about STD testing.
> 
> I would not be engaging in any sex with him until this is settled, and by settled I mean full trust in his fidelity.


Thank you! Ugh!!! I didn’t even think of that because I am such a trusting person. I appreciate the reply.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Ten years. He would not be hiding this if it weren't a BIG no no!!! This is not an area to minimize--it can be life or death these days. If that is his predilection, he needs to move on . You deserve better!! Don't see him as trustworthy.


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Ten years. He would not be hiding this if it weren't a BIG no no!!! This is not an area to minimize--it can be life or death these days. If that is his predilection, he needs to move on . You deserve better!! Don't see him as trustworthy.





sunsetmist said:


> Ten years. He would not be hiding this if it weren't a BIG no no!!! This is not an area to minimize--it can be life or death these days. If that is his predilection, he needs to move on . You deserve better!! Don't see him as trustworthy.


Thank you for the advice. I appreciate the help.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m not even the type of person to bad mouth porn but he is WAY out of line and a proven repeat offender. No way in hell do I believe you can trust him. Broken trust once .... let’s try to work it out..... Broken trust twice .... see you later !!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@jillmarie131 , your WH is definitely continuing his activities if he is opening a Grindr account and then deleted it. He is not doing this for nothing. He has already cheated on you, you may believe nothing happened 10 yrs ago, but I bet it did. Maybe he is bisexual or actually gay. How is your sex life?
I would suggest you set up a spy cam in the house. Nowadays you can buy them easy of Amazon, place in a strategic location. Also put a key logger on the computer, can buy online. This is your marriage and your life we are talking about. It seems you are the one working more, are you the main bread winner? How come he has so much free time? Get to the bottom of this now and do not wait another 10 years to find out something even worse.
With the info gathered you can then decided what to do next.


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m not even the type of person to bad mouth porn but he is WAY out of line and a proven repeat offender. No way in hell do I believe you can trust him. Broken trust once .... let’s try to work it out..... Broken trust twice .... see you later !!!!


I agree exactly!! Thank you.


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m not even the type of person to bad mouth porn but he is WAY out of line and a proven repeat offender. No way in hell do I believe you can trust him. Broken trust once .... let’s try to work it out..... Broken trust twice .... see you later !!!!


I agree exactly!! 


aine said:


> @jillmarie131 , your WH is definitely continuing his activities if he is opening a Grindr account and then deleted it. He is not doing this for nothing. He has already cheated on you, you may believe nothing happened 10 yrs ago, but I bet it did. Maybe he is bisexual or actually gay. How is your sex life?
> I would suggest you set up a spy cam in the house. Nowadays you can buy them easy of Amazon, place in a strategic location. Also put a key logger on the computer, can buy online. This is your marriage and your life we are talking about. It seems you are the one working more, are you the main bread winner? How come he has so much free time? Get to the bottom of this now and do not wait another 10 years to find out something even worse.
> With the info gathered you can then decided what to do next.


Just to clarify he does work a lot of hours. He works a 48 hr on 48 hr off schedule which is why is he home some days during the week when we are gone. And thank you for all the other suggestions. It’s appreciated.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Your husband is gay and uses the app to find other gay men to have sex with. It’s Craigslist on steroids. There is no other reason for the app. There was probably no cessation of activity ten years ago. He has/is putting your health at great risk. He’s an adulterer.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You absolutely do not ignore this! To be honest... that is what you have done for the last decade and look where that got you. It's time to stop ignoring this. 

Even your husband knows this is wrong, if not, why is he doing so much work to hide it? 

The only reason your husband would have a Grindr account is to find men to have sex with. It's possible he is "just looking" and hasn't met up with anyone yet but that's unlikely given his past of hitting up men. Chances are your husband has been having sex with other men for the last decade, and beyond.

You REALLY need to go to your doctor and get tested because this would put your health at risk. 

If you are thinking about reconciliation, you will need to figure out if your husband is bisexual or gay. You cannot reconcile with a gay man.


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Your husband is gay and uses the app to find other gay men to have sex with. It’s Craigslist on steroids. There is no other reason for the app. There was probably no cessation of activity ten years ago. He has/is putting your health at great risk. He’s an adulterer.





bobert said:


> You absolutely do not ignore this! To be honest... that is what you have done for the last decade and look where that got you. It's time to stop ignoring this.
> 
> Even your husband knows this is wrong, if not, why is he doing so much work to hide it?
> 
> ...


Thank you all for the responses. He is now telling me that he downloads the app to get points for gaming? I have never seen Grindr as an option for that.
I feel like he is trying to make an excuse for it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

jillmarie131 said:


> Thank you all for the responses. He is now telling me that he downloads the app to get points for gaming? I have never seen Grindr as an option for that.
> I feel like he is trying to make an excuse for it.


That is a big, fat lie. Do not believe that for one second. 

Also, you need to stop showing him your cards. It lets him know you're onto him and lets him take it underground so that you cannot catch him.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

jillmarie131 said:


> Thank you all for the responses. He is now telling me that he downloads the app to get points for gaming? I have never seen Grindr as an option for that.
> I feel like he is trying to make an excuse for it.


He’s lying.

Tell him you’re getting an STD test.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jillmarie131 said:


> Thank you all for the responses. He is now telling me that he downloads the app to get points for gaming? I have never seen Grindr as an option for that.
> I feel like he is trying to make an excuse for it.


He is telling you a bald-faced lie. He is getting sex on the side. Has been for 10 years. I'm so sorry. Do NOT have sex with him until both of you have had a full battery of STD tests. Or, you could do one better--divorce.

Quit tipping your hand. Cheaters lie. What makes you think he would tell you the truth?


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> He is telling you a bald-faced lie. He is getting sex on the side. Has been for 10 years. I'm so sorry. Do NOT have sex with him until both of you have had a full battery of STD tests. Or, you could do one better--divorce.
> 
> Quit tipping your hand. Cheaters lie. What makes you think he would tell you the truth?


I think you are spot on. Thanks for validating what I was thinking.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

If he is simply there to get points for gaming, it shouldn't be a problem for him to let you access his account and have a look around!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Do not have sex with him. Get tested. 

He is definitely gay or bisexual. And he's cheating on you.

Emailing Craigslist to get blow jobs from men? And you stayed with him? Something smells very funny here.....


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

I know I feel like a COMPLETE idiot for trying to put things back together after that. I wanted to keep my family intact. I was hoping for change and 10 years later find the same crap. 😞😢


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

jillmarie131 said:


> I know I feel like a COMPLETE idiot for trying to put things back together after that. I wanted to keep my family intact. I was hoping for change and 10 years later find the same crap. 😞😢


There is another poster here, @notmyjamie, whose story is very similar to yours. You may find that, or some familiarity at least, if you go back to her earlier threads. Granted, they are hard to find with the new forum.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

jillmarie131 said:


> I know I feel like a COMPLETE idiot for trying to put things back together after that. I wanted to keep my family intact. I was hoping for change and 10 years later find the same crap. 😞😢


Please don't beat yourself up. Lots of us here have been down the infidelity road. We've all made decisions that we thought were in our and our family's best interests.

Now you know for sure what he's been doing. Strike 2. Act accordingly.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Well this all sounds very familiar. I will tell you what I told my husband when I found him online looking for hookups with men. Straight men don’t do that. There where other clues as well and I said it over and over “straight men don’t do that.”

My exH insisted for years that he wasn’t gay. After 14 years he finally admitted that being attracted to men was 10% of who he was...after I left him he finally went to therapy and came out fully about 6 months before our divorce was final. It was about 14 years from when I found him online to the day I finally left him.

It was a gut wrenching experience but I not only survived it, I’m much happier now. Please don’t waste any more time with someone who can’t love you the right way. I know my ExH loved me...he still loves me and would love it if I came back to him even though he knows that can’t happen. But you need someone who will love you like a real partner.

I met my boyfriend before my divorce was final. I can’t explain the difference in being with someone who loves me the right way...in all ways. Life is good!!!!

You can get more support at straightspouse.org at their forums. Feel free to private message me as well. I know all the stuff that you’re worrying about right now.

_hugs_


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would post more but I’m at work. I’ll come back later though!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jillmarie131 said:


> Hi all. Just looking for some other point of views on something. Just a little history—
> 
> 10 years ago I logged into hubby’s computer and found that he had been emailing men on Craigslist and asking them to come over for blow jobs. He would do this when I was out of town. He swore up and down it was all talk and nothing physical ever happened. So we did not split up. However he knew this was really upsetting to me and I took a long time to heal from it.
> Fast forward to present time and I was on his computer again. In his google app purchase history it shows that he has been downloading Grindr while I am at work and kids are in school. He then deletes the app before we get home. I can see that he has the app installed for a few hours during the day. I don’t know much about Grindr and have not actually seen the messages. However I have heard it is mostly an app for gay men to find each other. Can someone tell me how this app works and what he is probably doing on there? Should this be a big deal or do I ignore it?


@jillmarie131 You need to do THIS and then deal with him:-


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jillmarie131 said:


> Can someone tell me how this app works and what he is probably doing on there? Should this be a big deal or do I ignore it?



You are not this naïve. You know what grindr is and you know what it means. 

You are just fishing for someone to say it is ok and not to worry about it so you can delude yourself into thinking everything is unicorns and rainbows. 

The question to ask yourself here is is there any good reason that a faithful, heterosexual husband would be on any kind of gay hook up app at all?


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You are not this naïve. You know what grindr is and you know what it means.
> 
> You are just fishing for someone to say it is ok and not to worry about it so you can delude yourself into thinking everything is unicorns and rainbows.
> 
> The question to ask yourself here is is there any good reason that a faithful, heterosexual husband would be on any kind of gay hook up app at all?


You are absolutely right. I did want to see if there could be any other ways to look at this situation. But you are right there are not.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It’s so easy for someone not living it to think “just walk away” but it’s so hard when you’re the one in it. I stayed for 14 more years after I found my exH online looking for hookups for a bunch of different reasons. I still remember the guy had written for him to “tell your wife you’re going to a baseball game.” Puke.

But when it happens to you want to believe there are other reasons than he’s gay. Because admitting your husband is gay is admitting to yourself that he never really wanted you. It’s realizing that every intimate moment of your marriage was a lie. You worry that your kids will not be able to handle having a gay father. You worry about how to divorce and manage two households on the same amount of money. You worry that everyone will think you’re an idiot for not knowing. At least I worried about those things.

But, a lot if that stuff works itself out. My kids, which was my biggest worry, have handled everything beautifully. When my exH finally came out to them they were almost relieved because it meant there was a real reason why I had left their Dad. The money is tight but it’s working. I’ve grown to accept that my ex loved me. In fact, he still loves me. He was devastated by our divorce. So even though I wasn’t what he truly wanted sexually, he did want me. I’ve come to realize that him not being able to accept himself and marrying me wasn’t something he did maliciously. I was very angry for a while but knowing this helped me a lot.

I moved on and found someone new. I’m really happy now. I could wish that I had not wasted those 14 years but I don’t want to look back, only forward.

After I posted the other day I realized that I should have warned you that some of the people of straightspouse.org are very angry and they have every right to be so. But at some point you have to move on from that if you’re going to enjoy your new life.


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## jillmarie131 (Jul 7, 2020)

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me! 
it is very hard right now, however just putting this out there and having people reply helps so much.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

one does not download a Grindr app unless one wants to have sex with men. It means he is either gay or bisexual. 

Since Grindr is a relatively anonymous website, it means he is picking up total strangers for sex...which has STD AND Coronavirus implications too. 

So there a number of things to consider. IF he is bisexual, do you mind him also having sex with others (those others being men).

Do you mind the risk of STD or Coronavirus, because he COULD limit his male sex interactions with former partners, who could have been previously tested.

It is all in your court now....if you can live with that, sit down and talk thru the ground rules going forward. IF not, kick him to the curb. In either case, this is not a passy fancy or curious moment....he has been doing this for over a decade


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> one does not download a Grindr app unless one wants to have sex with men. It means he is either gay or bisexual.
> 
> Since Grindr is a relatively anonymous website, it means he is picking up total strangers for sex...which has STD AND Coronavirus implications too.
> 
> ...


Being bisexual does NOT mean you need both male and female partners simultaneously... It means you're attracted to both men and women. That's it.

You're asking her to live in an open marriage, NOT a marriage with a bisexual husband. Those are two totally different things.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bobert said:


> Being bisexual does NOT mean you need both male and female partners simultaneously... It means you're attracted to both men and women. That's it.
> 
> You're asking her to live in an open marriage, NOT a marriage with a bisexual husband. Those are two totally different things.


I read his post as being "Here are your options. What do you want to do?" rather than asking her to live in an open marriage.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jillmarie131 said:


> Hi all. Just looking for some other point of views on something. Just a little history—
> 
> 10 years ago I logged into hubby’s computer and found that he had been emailing men on Craigslist and asking them to come over for blow jobs. He would do this when I was out of town. He swore up and down it was all talk and nothing physical ever happened. So we did not split up. However he knew this was really upsetting to me and I took a long time to heal from it.
> Fast forward to present time and I was on his computer again. In his google app purchase history it shows that he has been downloading Grindr while I am at work and kids are in school. He then deletes the app before we get home. I can see that he has the app installed for a few hours during the day. I don’t know much about Grindr and have not actually seen the messages. However I have heard it is mostly an app for gay men to find each other. Can someone tell me how this app works and what he is probably doing on there? Should this be a big deal or do I ignore it?


He’s gay. Unless you’re ok going through life with a secretly gay husband, just D and find a straight man to live your life with. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.


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