# Not sure I want her home



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My wife and I have been having troubles for a while. After much talking we decided to take a break from each other so we could catch our breath and think about what we need to do. She went to stay with her folks in another state, she has been gone for seven days today. The first couple of days was a little lonely for me but then I got over it. We have two teenage kids who are active doing their own things so they never missed a beat. Today she called and wanted to come home. I told her she could but in truth I don't think I want her to come back. This past week has been one of the best weeks I have had in a long time. The kids and I have simply enjoyed each others company when they were home. The house has stayed clean instead of looking like a tornado touched down(my wife is like a storm as she moves from room to room leaving everything in disaray) Things have just been so calm and relaxed. She will be back home tomorrow and I am stressed to the max thinking about it. She says we need to work on things but I really don't know if I have the energy to keep trying. Not looking for any answers I just needed to put my thoughts into words. Good luck to me. Cooper


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

Perhaps you need to have a heart-to-heart with her as son as she gets home, and explain to her what the days without her were like.

This will give her a chance to either correct a few things, or leave.


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

If you come to the conclusion that an official separation or a divorce is what is best for you, then consider talking to your children about it. You don't have to go into details and paint their mother as the bad guy, but simply that you two have incompatibilities that have grown over the years. Teenagers are very perceptive and may have already sensed this for some time now. Sooner or later they will know that the marriage is ending.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

the fact that you aren't looking forward to her return probably tells you what you separated to find out. Until she's home, you don't really know what's gone through her mind so perhaps it's too early to be making any decisions. 

I suggest the pair of you have an honest conversation when she's back, and take it from there.


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## Delphi (Nov 28, 2007)

I think your feelings are telling you what you really want and need. If you are dreading your wife's return it's a good bet that she is not a positive and longed for part of your life. Your children are grown up so perhaps it's time you thought about your future, what you want and what makes you happy. Life's too short to be needlessly miserable.


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

I agree with Delphi. If you dreading your wife's return, maybe you should not let her. Let her know how you feel about the situation, maybe some good could come of it. Life is definitely to short to be miserable.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here, been busy and havn't been able to check in. Thanks for your words of wisdom everyone, I know this is something we need to talk out. Just so you have some history I have become concerned she is having an affair. I had talked about this issue in another thread I have posted. We have talked alot but just keep plowing ahead never really coming to a solution. I thought the time apart would be helpful. The first couple of days she was back went pretty well. She actually helped around the house and seemed to want to be involved as a family again. Then yesterday it was back to the same old same old. I tried to reach her several times over the day and she didn't answer my calls(home and cell phone) When I got home from work she was very stand offish. When I asked what was up all day she said she had gone to lunch with her friends and they were just hanging out and talking. She said she had left her phone in the car, this from a women who never ever lets that phone out of her sight. I let it go at that. The whole evening she was very quiet and didn't come to bed until I had already gone to sleep. Tonight when I got home from work she said she had some running around to do. Five hours and still no sign of her. I made dinner, cut the grass, did a load of laundry and cleaned the floors. Same old stuff. I may be the only single married person I know! This is not how I thought my life would be. I wanted a partner, I feel I'm being cheated and taken advantage of. Cooper


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

I'm sorry things did not improve for the better but it really doesn't come as a great surprise considering what you've told us about your situation. Perhaps you should consider trying to convey in a letter, that your trust in her has diminished considerably and that you have no hope in the future for the marriage. If she refuses to engage you in a constructive dialog, then you will have your answer as to what your life will continue to be as long as you are married to her. The point is that she should be made aware where you stand so that she will harbor no illusions that you are her reliable backup in case her relationship with the other person does not pan out.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Cooper - I have sympathy for you & your situation. It is enough to drive someone batty when your significant other is out & you have no idea what he/she is up to. A part of you wants to trust that it is "nothing" & you are just reading into it. But yet another part of you, is going crazy thinking of all the possible scenarios that could be playing out with out your knowledge. 
As you mentioned the thing about the phone not leaving her sight usually - unless it is convenient to say when you are trying to reach her. That seems suspicious. ..
Have you asked her straight out if she is involved with anyone else? Don't recall from your previous posts . . Not that she will probably come forward with the truth when asked but at least you let her know what you are thinking. You have nothing to loose by asking at this point.
The only other thing that you might want to consider & I know it seems a bit extreme but maybe hiring a private investigator to find out for sure what is going on. At least it will give you piece of mind what is really going on with her & not leave your constantly wondering whenever she is out. 
I think depending on what state you live in, if you proceed with a divorce, not sure if any evidence will help your case? 
Have you consulted with a lawyer at all to know your rights, etc? I know it seems like a big step but might be something to do - so you are more informed if it comes to that step. Some companies have employee assistance program & provide free legal consultations - I took advantage of that through my husbands employer. ( I actually met with several to get several points of view & find the personality I liked working with).
I filed legally for "support without dissolution of marriage" from my husband until I decide what to do with my situation. The reason I did this was to protect myself from the other woman (who mothered their child) - in case she decided to file something formally with the court. This way my case has priority if she would ever file her case legally in court. 
I can see how you want more from your marriage & don't want to be the bread winner, then come home & cook, clean, take care of the kids - while she is out who knows where & with who. It is not fair to you & of course, not what you thought marriage is all about. 
Like the "cant think of a user name" said - if she doesn't seem to make any effort to communicate with you to make improvements in your relationship then you may have no choice to move on with out her. Have you spoke to a counselor at all? That might help to to get this all off your chest & get some professional guidance.
I feel for you & hope things get better at home.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks for all your thoughts. Yes we have had several talks in the last couple of months about our future. She wants to stay married but wants her freedom as well. Yes I have asked her if she is involved with someone else, I have laid out point after point as to why I have come to conclusion and she tells me I'm nuts. Swears there is no one else. Always has a story to explain things. There is just to much to often to believe. If anything she has become way more careful. I have a friend that is a bail bondsman and a PI. I am afraid to talk to him about this because we have a lot of the same friends. I am embarassed to be in this situation. I can put up with a lot of crap but I am getting very tired of always being the one to turn the other cheek. I'm afraid we just don't have any common ground any more. It just seems like to much work without any rewards. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

You mentioned being embarrassed to ask regarding the P.I. then maybe look one up in the yellow pages that doesn't know you . If you do hire a friend, if they are a professional, they would keep this confidential & I am sure that you are not the 1st person who he has investigated. 
I think that maybe if you have the proof in no uncertain terms - you can confront your wife or maybe not even give her that benefit once you have the information & make a decision on what you feel is best for you. And as you mentioned, she has tried to "explain" things away one to many times that it doesn't seem right anymore. Trust your instinct - it is usually right. 
You mentioned being embarrassed, I realize it is not a desirable topic to have to discuss. I know it is an uncomfortable situation but surprisingly enough there are more people out there with similar situation than we realize. And it is not something usually someone brings up but people might be more supportive than you think. 
I think you owe it to yourself to know the truth & if you wife isn;t going to be forthcoming about it, then you need to use whatever means to get that information. But also, you need to prepare yourself for what information might come to light. 
But at least you can make an educated decision based on fact & not lies being told to you by your wife.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Part of me wants to know the truth for sure but the other part is afraid of the answers. If what I suspect is true things will be over, no turning back. There was I time when we were happy. I keep thinking that we can get back to that place. Sometimes I think the problem is with me. My wife is a beautiful woman, everyone loves her. She is the best type of friend a person can have, but she is a terrible wife and a distracted mother. Her goal is to always have fun and to leave all the dirty little jobs of taking care of our life up to me. At the end of the day we have very different goals, we simply do not compliment each others styles. If we were to meet today I don't think we would fall in love. Hard choices ahead. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

The ball ins in your court so it seems. I understand about being afraid what you might find out- but like I mentioned before. I think you have the right to know the truth & at least confirm your suspicions so you are not constantly wondering where she is, who she is with when she is not with you. It is not a healthy way to live your life. 
Your wife seems content to continue to lead her life like this - she's having fun & you are miserable, worried & doing all the work. You need to be honest with yourself - is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? 
It certainly does not seem so. You can not make her change - she has to want to change for herself. And the harder you try - the more frustrated you become. Please do NOT blame yourself for this. If indeed your wife is having an affair, it is SHE that is married & went outside the boundaries of marriage at this point. If she was really that unhappy - she should have come to you & told you. And at least given you the courtesy to be upfront with you. She had some choices & being "unfaithful" should not have been one of them. 
Even if you decide not to leave or ask her to leave, if you are not ready for that yet. Start working on YOU - demand some time of your own to pursue what you like to do. Make her be responsible for picking up the kids & cooking one night. Maybe you join a gym, take tennis/golf lessons, take a foreign language class, going out for beers with the guys? Maybe when she realizes what she is about to loose - she'll shape up?? ( we can be hopeful - right?)

I see myself in you - in that I am the one that take care of things around the house(cooking, cleaning, laundry), all kid related duties, paying bills, etc. I am the organizer & put a lot of pressure on myself to do this. And used to NEVER ask for help but be resentful when my husband wouldn't offer to help. But yet I would never ask him too. I have learned that I can't be "superwoman" & do everything because if I do, I become stressed & am not a fun person to be around. That is part of the problem between my husband & I. I always felt I had soo much to do relating to the family & didn't pay as much attention to him. Just kept myself busy doing everything - that we started to grow apart. We would rarely ever go on a "date' night but in the long run it hurt us. We have found out that we need to make time for ourselves & make us a priority. 
Not sure if you think that could be what happened with you & your wife? I am sure there are some underlying issues that have brought your relationship to this point. At least if you can identify - hopefully you can either fix them or at least we aware of them for future relationships. 
I do not envy you - but trust yourself to make the right decision.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

There are several reasons we have not taken the step to divorce. The kids are the number one reason. Our daughter is 17 and our son is 15. Both of us agree we don't want to ruin things for them, I really don't know if that is sound logic. How have others children reacted to divorce? Both the kids are pretty good people, both active, good bunch of friends as well as good students. Another reason is the comfort of being able to hold on to what we have built. My wife did conceed that if we divorced I could keep the house because I am the one who has put all the work into it. Another reason is we don't hate each other. (Probably because I always let her have her way) I will say we resent each other but not hate. When we argue there is no screaming, no name calling, no threats. Maybe no passion left? Cooper


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

hey Coop... have you tried following her in someone elses car? Make sure you have a nice camera with you too. Seems fishy to me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

No I have not followed her but I have thought about it many times. Russ I would like to congradulate you on your sobriety. I come from a family of drinkers and even though I started down that road myself I was able to break the cycle. Not one drink in 24 years. As long as you stay away from the next drink you to can do it. Day by day and year by year just keep adding time to your sobriety. I'm not going to wish you luck because that isn't what it takes to stop drinking. It takes absolute strength!! Be strong ! Drinking has been an issue between my wife and myself. I am to the point that I do not like being around people that drink. My wife and her friends like to go have some drinks, I no longer go along because I got tired of pretending I was having a good time. She use to respect the fact that I didn't drink now she says I'm boring. I stated above she spent a week at her parents. She told me a few of those nights she and her brother and her dad went out and had drinks. My wife is great at down playing the truth. Her brothers a major drinker and her dad is 65 going on 21. My guess is was party every night. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

If you stay together for the kids - don't you think they see what is going on? And if they do ( know what is going on with Mom) - don't you think they are wondering why you are letting her treat you this way? My 2 are 7 & 2 so I can't relate to having teenagers - I am sure they would be much more outspoken and have many more questions than my little ones. 
But it is often said that children ( maybe not teenagers??) are more resilent then we think. I think a lot of how you the parent present it to them, are open & not "pit" each other against each other have a huge impact on how the kids cope & adjust. 

About the getting along & not fighting - As I mentioned in previous thread - I can relate to your situation now in another way. My husband & I too get along fine, no fighting & very amicable - I think it would be an easier decision to divorce if it was the yelling, screaming - I hate you situation but it's not. So could we continue to live like this & get along? - probably yes & we have been for the past 3 years - trying to figure out what went wrong & if we can work things out between us. 

The "comfort" thing - yes, you have been together a long time & it would be difficult to have to start all over again. And many things in both your lives would change - not too many are eager for change when they are comfortable - most people are scared of the unknown. However, you just don't seem happy living your life the way it is - working your butt off around the house & keeping the family together while on the other hand your wife is out doing her own thing & having fun. 
At least if you were on your own, all the work you are doing would be appreciated by yourself. It would be less cooking cleaning,etc ( for 1 less).
You mention hold onto what you have built - what do you mean? Are you happy with what you currently have together - besides 2 wonderful kids? If you decide to stay- I think you & your wife need to identify what in your relationship got so off track that your wife felt the need to seek companionship elsewhere? However, if your wife is not going to come clean about her speculated affair - it is going to be very hard to communicate & determine what is the underlying problem & if she doesn't see or think there is aproblem then she is not going to be probably be very receptive to any changes that need to be made. 
You can stay & always wonder why did I stay? What if I didn't stay - what would have happened? But either way right now, it sounds like you are living a "lie" ( the wife lying to you or you & she lying to yourselves that you 'pretending" to be the happy family that you are not).
If you stay because of the kids, I think they will ultimately see your unhappiness & resentment - if they don't already. 
Guess we can wait & hear from others about how their kids handled the situation. 
Best of luck- take your time making a decision you feel right about.


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Thanks Coop. I appreciate the vote of confidence.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Believer your are right in saying I am not happy the way things are. I know my wife has lied to me many times and I confront her when I have proof, but I always forgive and move on. We are not living a lie though, we both admit to not being happy with our marriage. If she is cheating on me then yes that is unforgivable, but overall she isn't a bad person and I'm not a bad guy. We have just developed to many differences. We have become opposites who resent each other. She belongs in an apartment, I belong on the farm. She likes a hot car, I like an old truck. I like hiking in the mountains and she likes laying on the beach for a week. The list goes on and on. We both realize that once the kids are gone we will have very little in common, it's just a matter of ending it then or now. Cooper


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

While this may not be a permanent solution to the problem, you may want to consider a divorce but still live together until the kids are grown. I've known a few couples who tried it and it seemed to help them but their children were already teenagers when they divorced so I don't know how effective it would have been if their kids had been much younger. Nevertheless, agreed upon rules had to be put in place in order for it to work such as no boyfriend or girlfriend coming over or staying over at the house (the home is 'sacred ground'). Also, there must be no more traces of love left over for jealousy will rear its ugly head once one or both become emotionally and sexually involved with others. Can it work for you? Maybe or maybe not but it is something that should at least be given some thought.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I can't imagine how living together unmarried would work for me. I think my wife would love it though! I am already resentful of the liberties she takes and I know she would only become less involved. 
I would like to go off topic for a moment and wish all you mothers out there a Happy Mothers Day. I know any mother on this site probably has marriage issues so today may be a difficult day for you. And please if you folks havn't called your mom yet get to it! A five minute conversation can change her day for the better. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Cooper - haven't been on line in awhile & wanted to check in & see how things are going. 
Things on my end are not so good as of Sunday. My husband & I are currently seperated but he was over for mothers day. His wallet was on the counter so I was tempted to snoop. I found a receipt for $100++ dinner a few weeks ago & it wasn't with me. He is always telling me how much he misses me & wants to be home again (he's been out only a month so far). But obviously - he's getting some other company. My heart sank when I found this receipt. As you mentioned before, a part of you doesn't want to know the truth but another doesn't want to continue to live a lie. 
I have considered confronting him about it to see what he says but hardly expect a truthful answer. 
I am thinking that was the last straw for me, that he can't even give our 6 month trial seperation time to see what happens. I had been having hope all along that he had changed & really wanted to make this work. But finding that receipt was yet another sign to me that I don't know him & find it so hard to think he is capable of hurting me again. Of course, he figures I won't find out about it - so in his mind it makes it OK. 
Anyways - wanted to see how you were doing -will keep you posted what happens with me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi Believer, Sorry to here things aren't working out for you. You would think a seperation would be a time to reflect on whats wrong with a relationship and maybe come up with ways to save it. It sounds like your husband decided to let you do the thinking while he plays around. I think you and I are on the same sinking ship. I for one am very tired of trying to keep this boat afloat. Does your husband want to work on the marriage or does he think you are the one who has the issues? I think the question we both need to answer is are we better off with or without our spouses. I will try and check back tomorrow, please keep your head up. You deserve better than second place in your husbands life! Cooper


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Hi Cooper...(great name - which happens to be the same as my one year old!)

My heart goes out to you. I always talk to my clients about 1) learning to trust their instincts and 2) what healthy boundaries look like. You're clearly very uncomfortable in your situation and it sounds like her behavior over time has a lot to do with it. Infidelity is one of the hardest things a couple can experience but it can be worked through - with a helluva lot of work. However, if there's no admission of an affair in the first place - yet your heart and gut tells you it's happening - there's little chance of moving forward and healing. 

This type of behavior is not only clearly damaging to you - but the entire family. I'd wonder what other experiences you've had throughout your life where "turning the other cheek" has brought you pain. Something to chew on. Good luck to you...Lisa


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks for your thoughts Lisa. To answer your question about turning the other cheek I have been doing that my whole life. Not because I fear confrontation but because I know I can take more than others. I became a care giver at a young age and I am still giving to much to always make others happy. When my wife and I talk of divorce her main concern is how would she make it on her own financially. Even though I am unhappy I can't bring myself to change her life that dramatically. Sometimes I hope she will tell me she is going to move out just so the guilt won't be on me. We just keep moving through the days without resolving anything. If we hated each other things would be much eaiser. I think she could get to the point of hating me but I don't think I have it in me to hate her, even if she is having an affair. How sad is that. Cooper


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

CantThinkOfAJUserName said:


> While this may not be a permanent solution to the problem, you may want to consider a divorce but still live together until the kids are grown. I've known a few couples who tried it and it seemed to help them but their children were already teenagers when they divorced so I don't know how effective it would have been if their kids had been much younger. Nevertheless, agreed upon rules had to be put in place in order for it to work such as no boyfriend or girlfriend coming over or staying over at the house (the home is 'sacred ground'). Also, there must be no more traces of love left over for jealousy will rear its ugly head once one or both become emotionally and sexually involved with others. Can it work for you? Maybe or maybe not but it is something that should at least be given some thought.


They would end up married again under common law.


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

Russell said:


> They would end up married again under common law.


Not necessarily for only a few states (Alabama, Colorado, Kansas, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, and Texas) and the District of Columbia ecognize common-law marriages as described in Common Law Marriage



> Common law marriage is permitted in a minority of states. To be defined as a common law marriage within the states listed below, the two parties must: agree that they are married, live together, and hold themselves out as husband and wife. Common-law marriage is generally a non-ceremonial relationship that requires "a positive mutual agreement, permanent and exclusive of all others, to enter into a marriage relationship, cohabitation sufficient to warrant a fulfillment of necessary relationship of man and wife, and an assumption of marital duties and obligations." Black's Law Dictionary 277 (6th ed. 1990).
> 
> Before modern domestic relations statutes, couples became married by a variety of means that developed from custom. These became the elements of a "common-law marriage," or a marriage that arose by operation of law through the parties' conduct, instead of through a ceremony. In many ways, the theory of common-law marriage is one of estoppel - meaning that parties who have told the world they are married should not be allowed to claim that they are not married in a dispute between the parties themselves.
> 
> Currently, only 9 states (Alabama, Colorado, Kansas, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, and Texas) and the District of Columbia recognize common-law marriages contracted within their borders. In addition, five states have "grandfathered" common law marriage (Georgia, Idaho, Ohio, Oklahoma and Pennsylvania) allowing those established before a certain date to be recognized. New Hampshire recognizes common law marriage only for purposes of probate, and Utah recognizes common law marriages only if they have been validated by a court or administrative order.


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## maybesoon (May 22, 2008)

hi cooper. i was looking over the discussions about your relationship and i can reach out and say i feel you...although i am young, and have only been married for 2 years, i too have been feeling like a single married person. 
my husband works minimally bc he is in higher education, and the money he does bring in is minimal and spent on wine, and dinners out, etc. i am in my 20s and work 60 hours a week to keep our financial needs afloat and when i come home the house is a disaster and he has been watching tv, looking on the computer, and lying on the couch all day eating fast food. it's truly depressing. i dont even want to kiss him anymore much less have sex and i am scared to end up like so many before me with children added on top of the problem.
i have spent much time researching the problem, looking for therapists, and even taking a college class to learn more about our issues. when i ask him to find a therapist (just show an inkling of wanting to keep our marriage afloat) he looks at one website on the day i kicked him out of the house and then gave up, saying that we need to look together. i.e. i need to look and schedule the appointment. i am married to a child and i am 25. ahhhhh. 
i dont even know what to do anymore. i am so unhappy and done with it, i dont even know if it can be saved. shouldn't we still be in some honeymoon phase? 
p.s. the only time he ever shows sexual interest in me is when he's drunk. never when he's sober, and its been so long it's just insulting. i told him this a week ago and true to form this week he got drunk and tried to have sex with me and when i denied him he got mad and said he was trying, am i? 
sorry to go off on a tangant. i just really feel like i relate to you after reading your stories. i am sorry you have to go through that with children as well. i am sure that makes the situation even harder. but we should both consider that life is too short to be unhappy. and you can never get it back.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here, Well today was a real joy in my marriage. Our son is sick with the flu, 103 fever, the hole nasty mess. We were suppose to go to a baseball game tonight with some other families. I told my wife last night if our son wasn't any better one of us needs to stay home with him because he is to sick to leave alone. This morning I call home around ten to check on him, wife isn't home. I call her cell and she says she is out getting gas and going to the store and a couple other stops. I told her I didn't want our son to be left alone. Of course that started a fight about how I treat her like a kid and she knows he's sick but she will only be gone an hour or so. Typical lack of respondsibility. I get home from work and tell her to go to the game I will stay home with our son. I knew she had cashed an insurance check for almost three hundred dollars so I told her to make sure she takes that money out of her purse so it doesn't get lost or stolen at the ball park. Wow did she get pissed!! She again reminded me she is 46 years old and is not stupid and is sick of being treated like a child. There was pure hate in the way she spoke those words. All I was doing was trying to get her to be careful, if I had that kind of money in my wallet and she told me to leave it at home I would of thanked her for reminding me! Then she yelled at me again because I interrupted her while she was on her cell to tell her that her dad had called on the home line and wanted her to call him back. I don't know who she was talking to but I doubt that they enjoyed the yelling in their ear. She left without even saying goodbye. Boy this is a great way to live! NOT!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

sorry to hear what you are going through.

draconis


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Cooper - that flu bug is going around - not fun at all. Hopefully you stay healthy because I am sure your defenses are down with all the stress in your life. 
Not what else to say about how your wife is acting towards you. Sounds like she is resentful of you telling her what to do ( but sounds like she has earned that treatment from some of your stories) As you are resentful of her not pitching in around the house & putting time in with the family. I am guessing it always wasn't that way but as you both grew apart - these issues intensified.
Wish I could recommend that you work things out but again, from what you have written in past, it doesn't sound like your wife has shown any interest in doing that. Nor do you have strong feeling about working it out any more. 
Do what makes you happy - don't worry about her anymore. Think about you & your kids - you've spent too much time & energy worrying & caring for others. do something for you - it feels great.
Have a super day - will check in with you again soon


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think our marriage was good until we had kids. I always wanted kids but she had never given it much thought. When my daughter was born I saw how hard it was for my wife to be a mother, she just didn't have the care giver instinct. We decided not to have any other children. Then on my birthday in 1992 she surprised me by announcing she was pregnant, in front of her whole family. I was so upset I could hardly speak. This was something she planned, not an accident . Don't get me wrong my son is a blessing in my life and we are lucky to have him, but we had decided no more children. I felt tricked and deceived and she has continued this kind of stuff for the last 15 years. Every lie or half truth takes another little piece out of our marriage, and there just aren't many pieces left. Cooper


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Cooper here, just checking in to see whats new. Believer how are things going for you? I know you had a very upsetting mothers day after finding that dinner receipt in your husbands wallet. You
said that may have been the last straw and I'm just wondering how things worked out. You sound like a very well grounded person but that had to be an emotionally upsetting day for you. Please let me know how you are. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Cooper - thanks for checking in. Regarding your most previous thread about your wife surprising you about your son on your birthday. guess that will be a bday you'll never forget. Once you heard the news, did you ever ask her/remind her about your previuos conversation about not having any more kids? If so, what did she say? Or did you let it go & be the supportive "new" dad? 

Do you feel that "deceit/trick" was a turning point in your marriage? Sometimes it is easier to look back in hind sight & see where we went wrong or when things started to change. But sometimes we may not be able to see it until we are out of a relationship ( or I can even relate this to my previuos job situation too. Until I was pretty much forced out _ I was going to prove to my boss that I could do it & prove him wrong - guess what I lost. But was sooo relieved when I finally left but couldn't see it at the time. Then we can look back & say "why" did we stay in it for so long?
I look at my parents relationship & wonder why are they together still. They are a still married but that is about it. Neither of my parents are happy being together & just about everyone knows it. The next time my mom comes to visit I plan to ask her why they/she stayed together? And does she regret it? 

Then I look at my situation, and wonder, do I want to end up like my parents - living in a lovesless marriage & not truely being happy for the rest of my life? And the answer is no - I have plenty of good years ahead & want & originally hoped I would be spending them with my husband. I now need to decide do I stay & live unhapplily but married or leave & risk the "comfort" of marriage but be able to live a happy & full life. And God willing I meet someone down the road that I can trust ( which won't be easy for me or you) in the future & share my life with. 
I know in my head what I should do - if anyone read our stories in black & white it is pretty straightforward what we should do. But there are emotions involved which are not as black & white. Also, it is taking action that is harder to do then just thinking or talking about it.
I need to meet with my therapist to help guide me on my next move. In my "hope" that this might work out differently, I have only told 2 family members. So don't have super strong support system in place at the moment. 
As I mentioned in one of my responses - about the "found receipt" - I haven't even asked hime about it. Partly because I don't expect an honest answer & even if he did give me one, I would have a hard time believing. And 2nd, I have to be ready to take action on it, or otherwise, I am allowing him to disrespect me & our marriage again. And I not quite ready to end yet but ever sooo close. 
I had mentioned to Swedish -that the only last resort I can possibly think of - is to ask my husband to go to therapy & find out why he lies, why does he seek out these other relationships, etc. Because if he doesn't figure it out , we will have problems again if we stay or in his next relationship. But I am not really sure if I want to or am willing to wait around for him to figure those things out. Plus, not even sure if he would go talk to anyone.

So same as before, still in limbo regarding making any final decisions, but leaning more towards ending it at this point. 
What about you Cooper - are you ready to take any more actions at this point or are you still sorting through all the emotions & weighing the pros & cons of each scenario? 
As usual - hope you are doing well, thanks for you concern & I'll keep you posted, as I hope you will do the same on your situation. 
good nite.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi Believer, 
Thanks for responding. Things have been fairly quiet here at home. The wife has really backed off on her cell phone and internet use, at least when I'm around. I'm not sure what that means, either she is being much more careful or has decided to try and be a better wife and mother. There still is a great deal of tension between us but we are going through the motions of a couple. It's upsetting to think that if things don't change we may end up like your parents. I don't know how old you are but for me at the age of 47 I hope to have a lot of years left and I would like for them to be happy!
To answer your question about her decision to get pregnant, looking back one of the reasons I was so upset was the deceit. As part of a couple how can you make such a major decision on your own. 
I am a lot like you when it comes to a emotional support, I only have one friend to talk to about this. He is the only one I trust not to spread the word. It's funny, my wife has talked to several of her friends about our problems and some of them have talked to me about what "I" need to do. My wife has a nack for snowballing people into believing she is super wife and mother. But some friends and family see the truth and tell her so. Her Dad and sister have had many arguments with her over how she treats our marriage. 
I could write all night about different events that have gotten us to this point in our marriage and Believer I think a lot of the events and resulting emotions would be similiar to yours. We both have some very difficult decisions to make and being able to talk about them with someone going through the same thing helps. Thanks for the electronic shoulder to lean on. Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi Cooper - just checking in before calling it a night. Glad you at least have someone to lean on besides us in the forum. I recently joined a support group that I found online but we meet weekly in a face to face setting, watch vidoes on various topics & share our experiences. It is for seperated & divorced people, however, I am the only one seperated, all others are divorced or going through with one. Not sure if joining a group like that might help you sort out your feelings & help guide you in your decision making process. The group is called " Divorce Care" - just a thought. 
You mentioned your wife seems to be getting better but looking from the outside in, I would have a hard time believing that she just decided to "change one day". I am usually a pretty positive person, and maybe she did, but I am a bit doubtful ( sorry).

I'm trying to get up my courage & find the right time to ask my husband to see his recent bank statements & to check his work emails. If I were to continue in this marriage & put forth any more effort - I would need to see this information to "prove" to me that there is not something going on with someone else. Any suggestions on how to approach this topic?. . .

I will direct you to ask yourself - are you happy now? is this how you want to live your life? do you think you will have regrets when you look back in 5, 10 years - if you decide to stay? If you do decide to stay - what can you do to make yourself more happy ( date nights, time for yourself, etc.). 
take care & hang in there til next time


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hi Beliver,

Well your questions are direct and easy to answer. Yes if my marriage continues as is I will regret every day I stay in it. No I am not happy with my marriage but am happy in the other areas of my life. 

My wife claims my expectations are to high for anyone to live up to, yet I feel I have lowered my expectations in order to keep some sort of piece in our marriage. I ask nothing more of her than I expect of myself. Maybe that is what creates the conflict between us, she just doesn't have it in her nature to be as commited and giving as I am. 
How's this for timing and an example of what I deal with. My wife has been making a big deal that we need alone time. So tonight both kids are gone and she said it's our chance to be together. As I'm setting here typing she comes in and ask if it's OK to go to dinner with a couple of her friends. Right now it's 8:41PM. I said well it's pretty late for dinner so I'm guessing you just want to go out and have drinks. She replies that yes they want to have some drinks but she would be back early. As is typical with her she tries to hide what is really going on as well as putting her friends first. I guess our together time isn't so important. So now it's "fine , if your going to be pissy about it I wont go". Another nail in the coffin of my marriage. 
Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I think you & I need to face the fact - that we are not ever going to have the marriage we had imagined, with a fairy tale ending. At least not with our current spouses. 

And as hopeful as I have been in the past, and holding onto any possible shread of hope/faith. I need to come to term with myself, that this is 95% not going to work out. I don't want to live my life with regrets and I am really to the point that I feel I have done whatever I could to save my marriage & given sooo many chances for my husband to be forthcoming & even leave if he was not happy. But he continues in his same patterns of lying. I just need to psych myself up to take the next step & take action. But being the practical person & always being prepared, I still need to do some work on my end before I let him know what I am feeling. I have a lawyer on retainer from a previous legal issue relating to my husband & I already - so it's about time I check in with her & give her the update. I also want to consult with a real estate attorney about our condo ( title, refinancing, buying out my husband, etc.) - I have no clue how that all works. 
I have found from being seperated these last few months, that I am actually enjoying the time on my own & taking care of "me" again. I get things done that I need to, so when I have my kids, I can spend more quality time with them. Initially, I was scared about being on my own but it is actually liberating to know I can do it on my own & still be happy. With any change, I think anyone feels uneasy at 1st, but we adjust & move on. It helps for me to see that my children appear to be adjusting to the new family/living situation very well. ( both my husband & I were concerned about how it would affect the kids). 
Cooper - you mentioned you are happy with the other aspects of your life. But why not be happy in your personal life too? Why are you sacraficing your happiness? Who knows - you might be soo relieved to not have to deal with your wife ( her lying, carelessness, selfishness, etc). You can still be happy in those other areas in your life that you are now, but also you can be happy for you!
I never thought I would be encouraging someone to seperate or get away from their spouse. I don't even know you, except from what you shared here on the forum. But you do not sound fulfilled, happy or appreciated and you deserve to have those feelings. And if you stay, I don't think you will. 
Maybe this comes down to self respect? That both you & I have put other before us for so long that if feels natural to do this. I saw my mom do this throughout her life, and that is how I thought it should be. 
But in our cases, it is not healthly & WE are suffering due to our choice to put others needs before our.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your correct on several points Believer, but the main one is the fact that we are used to putting others first. There has only been a couple very shot periods in my life where someone wasn't depending on me. I don't believe that we have a lack of self respect for ourselves though. I believe we both realize we are more capable of handling burdens than others, be it physical or emotional. So we just keep on keeping on.
One of the difficulties I have coming to terms with a divorce is the pain I would inflict on others, including my wife. My kids would come from a broken home. My sisters daughter loves my wife I think more than she loves her own mother. My sister-in-law goes through men like socks, but I have always been a constant in her kids lives. I know this is wrong for me to state this but; am I willing to remain in this marriage at the price of my own happines so as not to cause unhappiness to others? Yes. Right or wrong I will keep trying to make things work for the sake of others. 
Beliver I think you are a lot like me. The decision for you to separate must have been agonizing. Maybe your husband has caused you more pain than you could bare, I guess I'm just not there yet.
Please stay in touch, Cooper


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

HI Cooper - just checking in - haven't seen anything from you in awhile - hope things are going better for you at home. Especially as it sounds like you are not going anywhere despite your circumstances. 
I'm figuring out how I am going to break it to my husband, that I don't think I can ever trust him again & that this seperation has made me more sure of my decision. Not a fun conversation to have - not looking forward to it. But if I am going to ask him to be honest with me ( even though I won't get it) - I need to practice what I preach & not lead him to believe there is a future for our marriage in my eyes. ( I think he is the hopeful one right now & makes comments like - when I move back in, etc) 
Guess I might need to write him a letter & then read it to him, like I did when I asked for the seperation. That way I don't forget any important parts & can word it appropriately to explain my decision. 
Wish me luck


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