# Strained relationship with our daughter.



## Katiex

Our daughter is 21 and engaged to a man she only knew for a few months. They have now been engaged for a year and have their own home. Since the engagement he has done everything possible to stop us seeing her unless he is present. It’s her birthday this weekend and we may not even see her. She called tonight asking for the paperwork for the laptop we bought her as it may need repairs. Since being with him she barely has any contact with her brother or sister. We need an appointment or invitation to be able to see her. I can’t believe this has happened to our once close family. 


Any helpful advice would be much appreciated.


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## badsanta

Katiex said:


> Our daughter is 21 and engaged to a man she only knew for a few months. They have now been engaged for a year and have their own home. Since the engagement he has done everything possible to stop us seeing her unless he is present. It’s her birthday this weekend and we may not even see her. She called tonight asking for the paperwork for the laptop we bought her as it may need repairs. Since being with him she barely has any contact with her brother or sister. We need an appointment or invitation to be able to see her. I can’t believe this has happened to our once close family.
> 
> 
> Any helpful advice would be much appreciated.


The topic of inlaws can get really complex. My parents used to come over unannounced to my house as if they owned the place which made my wife feel like she could not wear pajamas in her own house. At one point they were no longer allowed to come over as I had to set some boundaries. It is an awkward part of becoming an adult and becoming independent from parents. 

If you have voiced strong disapproval of your daughter's significant other and put your daughter in a situation to choose sides... umm yes he is going to establish his presence and authority for his new family. Not saying that happened.

If it has happened how would you like it if your mother inlaw voiced disapproval of you and wanted to establish herself as having more authority over her own son than you have as his wife? 

Now having said that, your daughter's situation does raise a few red flags if they treat everyone this way. Do other family members have the same problem?


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## SunCMars

Assuming you and your husband are 'normal' (not annoying) parents this is really painful.

I caution you, do not over react. Take your daughter aside and tell her your feelings, just once. 
Tell her you that both of you love her very much and are hurt that there are restrictions about visiting. Tell her that you will honor these restrictions, that you do not want to hurt the deep relationship you had in the past.

Apologize for bringing it up, but mentioned that it is important that she knows both you and your husbands feelings.

Then drop it.
Then go 'low key'.

Do not bring it up again.

From then on, be friendly, but cool. Offer absolutely no advice 'unless' one of them asks for it. When around them be non political, non religious, non controversial. Don't wait for their invite, invite them for barbecues that other people (that they like or tolerate) attend. Encourage them to invite their own friends.

The fiancee may get better as he matures.

Note: People act this way for reasons of insecurity, for snobby reasons, for anti-social reasons. The fiancee is young, and he sounds controlling. He may sense that you and your husband and family do not like him.
Is he of a different ethnicity, a different culture or race?

Did he have a sad upbringing?

KB-

This worst thing you can do is try to get between them.


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## StillSearching

Katiex said:


> Our daughter is 21 and engaged to a man she only knew for a few months. They have now been engaged for a year and have their own home. Since the engagement he has done everything possible to stop us seeing her unless he is present. It’s her birthday this weekend and we may not even see her. She called tonight asking for the paperwork for the laptop we bought her as it may need repairs. Since being with him she barely has any contact with her brother or sister. We need an appointment or invitation to be able to see her. I can’t believe this has happened to our once close family.
> 
> 
> Any helpful advice would be much appreciated.


Tell her if she ever decides to leave him, she better wait til he's off at work or somewhere else.


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## 3Xnocharm

How else does he control her? What is his reasoning for being such an ass?


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## personofinterest

Honestly, this is the classic first step of an abuser. I would be worried.


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## leon2100

She's 21! its time that she be allowed to make her own mistakes! Move on!


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## Katiex

badsanta said:


> The topic of inlaws can get really complex. My parents used to come over unannounced to my house as if they owned the place which made my wife feel like she could not wear pajamas in her own house. At one point they were no longer allowed to come over as I had to set some boundaries. It is an awkward part of becoming an adult and becoming independent from parents.
> 
> If you have voiced strong disapproval of your daughter's significant other and put your daughter in a situation to choose sides... umm yes he is going to establish his presence and authority for his new family. Not saying that happened.
> 
> If it has happened how would you like it if your mother inlaw voiced disapproval of you and wanted to establish herself as having more authority over her own son than you have as his wife?
> 
> Now having said that, your daughter's situation does raise a few red flags if they treat everyone this way. Do other family members have the same problem?


We only visit when invited to do so. The other times we see them is at a Cafe or restaurant. 
He is not the type of person you would drop in on. Our son’s girlfriend is always around.us. 
My husband did suggest he go back to study as he was unemployed and had no qualifications. He did that and now works two days a week. He still follows our daughter around though. She goes to a different university and he goes and waits for her while she is in class.


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## Ms. Hawaii

katiex said:


> . She goes to a different university and he goes and waits for her while she is in class.




weird


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## Katiex

personofinterest said:


> Honestly, this is the classic first step of an abuser. I would be worried.


I know which is the scariest part of this whole situation. He has isolated her from her family.
She no longer has contact with her cousins.


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## blazer prophet

I suggest a love approach.

Ensure, at all times, she understands how much you both love her and that while you want to see her more, you're going to give her as much space as necessary. Your door will forever be open. 

When you do see her/them, be supportive and helpful. 

Look carefully for signs of abuse or otherwise. If you do see them, journal it and maybe seek help with respect to what to do. In my time I have seen a few situations like this and the best approach is to be caring and open.


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## Katiex

Thank you for your advice and insights. I have not been able to use the multi quote. It won’t work. I am on an iPad not a computer. I will respond to the other posts when I work this out when I get back from work today.


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## frusdil

Katiex said:


> *He still follows our daughter around though. She goes to a different university and he goes and waits for her while she is in class*.


Oh wow...nope that's creepy af and you have good reason to be concerned. The fact that he only works two days a week is also very worrying - that leaves him 5 days a week to follow and control her every move.

The big problem here is that there's absolutely nothing you can do. Without a complaint from your daughter or a call to the police, there's zilch anyone can do in regards to taking action against him.

The best thing for your daughter, is to maintain a strong relationship with her because trust me (been there), one day she's going to need you and your husbands support. I don't know what she does for a living, but are you able to call her at work? Or email on her work email? Even if she doesn't respond to your contact, keep reaching out, reassure her that she will always have you there no matter what, and no matter how much time may have passed, you will always want to hear from her or see her. Any emails you send to her private address, I would cc him into, and address to both of them, keep everything light, invite them over for dinner etc. share jokes. That way she won't have to be interrogated by him because he has the email too, it may make him back off a bit.

Your daughter is a victim here, she's got herself into an abusive relationship with a controlling man. She likely realises something isn't right but either doesn't know what to do, or is too frightened to do anything about it.


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## badsanta

Katiex said:


> I know which is the scariest part of this whole situation. He has isolated her from her family.
> She no longer has contact with her cousins.


If he has cut off contact with her other family members that is a problem. If he waits around for her at a university for her to finish class it also seems like some kind of codependent situation. Healthy relationships maintain independence that is complementary as opposed to a dependence that is disruptive. 

What can you do about it? Well if it is codependent, it may not last much longer. You might be able to freak him out by going ahead and making plans for assisted living later in life and ask if they can add a room to their house. Hypothetically mention giving them a lot of money to help make it happen and try to use real life examples of previous generations that needed assisted living. 

Badsanta


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## 3Xnocharm

Everyone seems to be taking the tiptoe approach here. If this were MY daughter, I would be telling her straight up that the man is a controlling abuser and that she needs to get rid of him before she ends up in a really bad situation where she gets hurt and has a life full of regret. She may not listen at first, but it plants a subconscious seed that will hopefully make her more aware of what is going on, and maybe she will realize the severity of this sooner than later. 

I have told my daughter before that if I ever approach her with concerns regarding how her guy is treating her, that she needs to pay attention to what I say. Because love is not only blind but stupid as well.


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## Spicy

It could be concerning or it could be no big deal.

Personally, I don’t like it when people stop by unannounced, our parents included. A few years ago I asked our family to please just give us a quick call or text to make sure it is a good time if they want to come over for a visit. 

This came up during a big transitional move time in our lives, and people were stopping by constantly unannounced, and staying forever, when we have a very finite amount of time to finish a tremendous amount of projects. Subtle hints weren’t working. We simply didn’t always have the time to play unexpected host. Rather than seem rude by continuing to work when they showed up, it seemed logical to ask them to call or text first.

My MIL was totally offended by this and acted like it was a crime against humanity and still makes digs about her not being welcome to this day. My mom was like, “no problem”. 

Keep an open dialogue with her so she can always be ready to confide in you, but also be balanced in knowing that she is starting her own “family” and they are stretching their wings after leaving the nest. IF your FSIL is a decent guy, he may just need to mature.


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## WorkingWife

Katiex said:


> Our daughter is 21 and engaged to a man she only knew for a few months. They have now been engaged for a year and have their own home. Since the engagement he has done everything possible to stop us seeing her unless he is present. It’s her birthday this weekend and we may not even see her. She called tonight asking for the paperwork for the laptop we bought her as it may need repairs. Since being with him she barely has any contact with her brother or sister. We need an appointment or invitation to be able to see her. I can’t believe this has happened to our once close family.


It sounds like he is very insecure and controlling and trying to isolate her (consciously or unconsciously) from her family. I'm guessing he has no use for her friends from before she met him either. He doesn't want her alone with others because he is afraid they will say something negative about their relationship.


My ex husband did this. He would never say I couldn't see my family or friends, but he made sure I was miserable due to his bad moods any time I did. To my great shame and regret, I let him manipulate me out of seeing my family and being there for them, thinking I was just being a "considerate wife."

If he WILL let her see you when he is around, I would take the lead and just keep pushing her for visits, and be friendly to him and behave completely oblivious if he is unwelcoming. Invite her and the fiance your other children around as much as possible (assuming he'll come visit with her.) No matter how much she turns you down, just keep coming up with get together ideas and invites. Maybe try to do some "family reunion" type thing where her presence is important/expected and she would not want to miss out. 

And when you are around him, behave graciously no matter what kind of ass he may or may not be. Try not to give him anything to complain to her about you, as his excuse for not wanting to be around you.

Your daughter is about to marry a control freak and he will make her life a living hell, but you can't just say that to her because she is under his thumb right now. If you can have a private conversation on the phone with her, you might ask her if something is wrong and tell her (nicely not guilt-trippily) how much you miss the great family times you used to have and how you'd love to get to know Mr. Control freak better as he is going to be family.

BTW - needing an appointment or invitation to see her is not unusual. Some people are very comfortable with just dropping by when it's family and close friends but many are not. But this definitely sounds off and I would not wait for invitations. I would be calling "I'm going to be in the area, are you busy..." as frequently as possible. Or find things you need her/their help with at your home. Things you want to swing by and show them. Just act oblivious to his cold shoulder.


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