# Can't Even Think of a Title



## devastatedbeyondrepair (Apr 22, 2010)

My husband has committed the unthinkable. He was employed as a police officer for a period of seven years. In one day, my life changed completely. We were at church and he got a call stating that he was being arrested for an alleged rape. I asked him if he raped someone and he said no. He went in and met with detectives and the next thing I know he was going to jail. From there, I was told (by someone other than him) that he had slept with a prostitute while on duty. He paid her 12 dollars! The prostitute screamed rape and he was being investigated!

The next week was a nightmare because this story was publicized on every news channel each time the news came on. How humiliating! 

After a week in jail, he was released on bond and rape was not a charge. (I mean come on you can't rape the willing) His story was that he had slept with this prostitute while on duty but guess what, he didn't even use a condom! NASTY!!!!!!!!!!! He said that it was consensual which I believe because she accepted payment. 

From here, he has since lost his job and is now facing felony charges. My position on infidelity is that this in itself is not a deal breaker. Everyone makes mistakes. However, I was faced with infidelity, his loss of income, possible felony conviction and found it all out on the Channel 8 news!

We have a 2 year old son together, which just breaks my heart in two. He is still in the residence because he has to stay at the address that the courts have. To add insult to injury his parents are expecting me to forget about it and stand by their son but I feel that this is a bit much considering all he jeopardized. How can you move on in a marriage that has caused so much pain?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

You don't have to make a decision today, take as long as you like. It's so painful when you first find out but as time passes you will start to see things differently....
Right now all your trust and beliefs have been blown out of the water this will take some time to process..
Right now your husband looks like he needs some professional help to see why he would risk everything for that moment....
You can't and shouldn't help him with that, you take care of yourself and your child for right now....
You are not responsible for anything he has said or done, that is his problem.....
Hold your head up high and stand your ground, what he did was very wrong and I think he will need to learn the hard way that what he chose to do hurt you, his family and his career.
He will have to deal with himself and what kind of man he is.
You will have to decide if he is someone worth staying with..that might not happen right away.......
Good Luck


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

All i can say is WOW what a horrible situation talk about getting it from all sides to have the public know about everything would be horrible the trust issue for me was the hardest to deal with and my wife kept lying wich made it worse trust me time has a way of panning everything out the pain gets less and less but you and your husband need some serious councelling i hope he is showing alot of remorse that is very important he made the mistake i beleive he needs to step up and make it right that is one thing my wife never did even after we seperated well my best wishes go out to you and your child in this very painfull situation


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

To be perhaps painfully direct...what was going on in your marriage that your husband needed a cheap physical thrill that badly? Is this a problem that has to do primarily with him (i.e. sex addiction, impulse control issues, etc.) or was there a dynamic in the relationship that contributed? I ask this because while affairs can evolve "organically" (i.e. friend turned confidant turned love interest), paying a prostitute is very goal directed behavior. There's no way to call it an "accident" or say that feelings "just grew over time" like with EAs or PAs. Figuring out the root of the problem will guide the therapeutic process. I think you both need to be in therapy, both separately and together, to even THINK about whether you're reconciling or working it out. 

The one situation I know of where a couple dealt with infidelity via prostitution involved a wife withholding sex from her husband, for years. He got fed up with it and started threatening to cheat and she didn't take it seriously because she was so used to having the upper hand. They went to therapy and are still together, but honestly, she is still domineering and controlling and her spouse is still obviously resentful. I think they turned down the volume on their issues, but they are still there. If you do decide to reconcile, commit to really working *past* whatever issues led to this, don't just put a band aid on it and say "good enough."


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## devastatedbeyondrepair (Apr 22, 2010)

*NightOwl*

NightOwl, 

I can appreciate your bluntness. To be honest, the sex in our marriage was starving. I didn't enjoy it and I didn't want to sleep with my husband. I did sleep with him because I knew it was my biblical duty, but I didn't enjoy it. He said he felt rejected. 

I understand that you should not deny your husband sex, but I had real needs also. I am a very intellectual person and I need to communicate. He never communicated with me. He would come home and he would sit in the back room and I would take care of the baby and there wasn't a lot of talking going on between us. 

He worked from 7PM to 4AM and I work from 10AM-7PM. We didn't have much interaction. When he was off, he was asleep. We grew apart way before this incident happened. Also, his family has been so involved from the beginning. I despised this. He used to let them mistreat me and he did nothing. I believe that I lost respect at this point in the marriage. Therefore, if he wasn't pleasing me, why should I please him. I know this may not be the right thinking but I am human. 

I still do not care what the problems were, if he felt like paying a prostitute, this is something we should have discussed. He needed help if he felt that deprived. He never gave me the option to work it out with him. Many people have told me that I ignored his cry for help, but I'm sorry, when you are thinking of doing something like this, I feel like he should have been blunt and just told me. I can't read in between the lines. 

Because I am an honest person, I can say that I contributed to the problem in my marriage, but I still do not think that any man or woman is justified in cheating no matter the situation. If someone is this unhappy and willing to break a covenant then get out of the marriage.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

*Re: NightOwl*



devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> NightOwl,
> 
> To be honest, the sex in our marriage was starving.
> 
> ...


First all, no, cheating is never justifiable but sometimes it's understandable. I don't think your problem is not reading between the lines; you seem to be aware of exactly what the problems are in the relationship. 

One thing I've learned is that if you know there are issues in your relationship, it is unreasonable to expect them to get better on their own. The other side of the coin is that you have to expect it will get worse. I am sorry that this had to happen for you in such a painful and messy way. 

The thing is that if your husband really wanted to leave he could have. Affairs often happen in part because the cheating spouse still wants to keep certain parts of the relationship, but has needs that aren't being met and seeks fulfillment of those elsewhere. So there is some implied desire there to stay in the relationship, but there is also a whole lot of maladaptive coping, fear of confrontation, etc. that leads to cheating being the "answer" to the problems.

The question is really, do you want to work on all the issues you named, and does he? Is he willing to learn to communicate, to set boundaries with his family, and to be more active in your family? And are you open to reconnecting with him, to giving him a chance to change, and to working on your intimate life together?

Like someone else said, answering "yes" to the above doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship forever. You can try reconciling and be aware it may not work. Even those of us committed to staying with our partner have moments of intense doubt, that is normal.

My therapist told me that my ability to admit the role I played in the downward spiral of our relationship was rare and very helpful in the therapeutic process. You seem to also have that awareness which suggests you already have some important tools for relationship mending. It's really just up to you if you want to give him another chance, and then it's up to him to embrace that opportunity to work on things together.


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## devastatedbeyondrepair (Apr 22, 2010)

NightOwl, 

You are very wise. I appreciate your feedback. 

I don't know if it is worth working on. Working on my marriage involves going back to when the problems first started and then working forward to the traumatic situation we are encountering at this time. I don't know if I have it in me. Additionally, I think that is a lot of work and if I put the work in, what suggests that he will not cheat again. I mean, this is a tough decision to make. I will say that I was willing to try for the sake of my child, but I am so unhappy and miserable right now. I don't think this is fair to my child because he needs me as well. 

My husband says he wants to stay and work on the marriage, however, how can I tell if it is sincere? Especially since now the only thing you have left is me and my son. It just sort of seems like a natural reaction because at least he will be able to say that he didn't lose us. Also, how will he be able to provide for my son? If he ends up with a felony as a result of this, how is this going to affect his ability to provide for us. Don't get me wrong, I'm a team player and I make decent money. I am handling everything now alone so I am not putting him down, I am just saying this is not something I want to do long-term. I deserve to be happy too. Right now, I'm afraid to trust him with my heart again.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> NightOwl,
> 
> You are very wise. I appreciate your feedback.


I have to laugh at being called wise; it's more like life has beaten a few lessons into me whether I liked it or not!




devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> I don't know if it is worth working on. Working on my marriage involves going back to when the problems first started and then working forward to the traumatic situation we are encountering at this time. I don't know if I have it in me. Additionally, I think that is a lot of work and if I put the work in, what suggests that he will not cheat again.


It is a lot of work, I won't lie. MANY times I didn't think I had it in me but I'm still here. And there is never a guarantee that they won't cheat again, or that they won't get hit by a bus tomorrow for that matter. But you will be able to gauge his commitment to the relationship by the amount of work he puts in and that can at least mitigate the likeliness of another incident. 

The question I asked myself was, would it be more painful to leave and move on, or to stay and work on it? Leaving sounded worse, so I stayed.



devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> My husband says he wants to stay and work on the marriage, however, how can I tell if it is sincere?


By his effort. If he is being 100% transparent with you (full access to text messages, email, whereabouts, etc.) and is going to therapy and doing the work the therapist assigns, that is all he *can* do. He can't change the past, he can only make different choices going forward.

I will warn you, there will always be stumbles where there is something that will seem like a "relapse" - him flirting with the checkout girl without thinking, that sort of thing - so you can't expect 100% compliance, just 100% effort, if that makes sense.



devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> Also, how will he be able to provide for my son? If he ends up with a felony as a result of this, how is this going to affect his ability to provide for us.


Well, in the case of the couple I know, it didn't end up being a felony charge, he did no jail time, and actually kept his job. It made the local media as well so his employer had access to the information. Your husband will have to change careers (private security maybe?) but it is possible to have a life after this sort of thing.



devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> I deserve to be happy too. Right now, I'm afraid to trust him with my heart again.


It may feel like happiness is impossible right now, and it will be hard for perhaps a long time, but not impossible. I am still a sadder person than I was before all this but I have lots of happiness as well, the ratio becomes more favorable to happiness over time as I heal.

And you don't have to trust or forgive him right now. That comes later. Even if you can't imagine ever trusting or forgiving him, the point is being open to the possibility.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

*Re: NightOwl*



devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> To be honest, the sex in our marriage was starving. I didn't enjoy it and I didn't want to sleep with my husband. I did sleep with him because I knew it was my biblical duty, but I didn't enjoy it. He said he felt rejected.


Surely, this was a large contributing factor. And, it's sad it got this bad.



devastatedbeyondrepair said:


> Many people have told me that I ignored his cry for help, but I'm sorry, when you are thinking of doing something like this, I feel like he should have been blunt and just told me.


I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. I don't think he was thinking of doing something like this, the opportunity presented itself and he chose to do it. I think many men would choose to do it if it's that easy. Especially if they're not satisfied at home.

I wonder if it's happened before? Your husband is in a position of power over prostitutes. He may feel powerless at home. I'm sure temptation is extreme. 

No condom? I'd insist on STD testing, at the very least. 

The publicity sucks, but is almost irrelevant compared to the most important issue - do you want to save the marriage? There is much damage and large issues that need to be dealt with. Is it worth it?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

One more thing - 'biblical duty' is probably the equivalent of saltpeter for men. There has to be more to it for a man to be satisfied. Examine your own sexuality and try to get in touch with it. Even if you choose to end this marriage.


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Your husband is under considerable stress at the moment with all the stress of publicity and job loss. Your in-laws have asked you to support him. You have his baby.

Stand by him for two years unconditionally, to allow him time to cope with this huge turmoil and find other employment. He stuffed up badly, but you must also understand his parents are finding things tough and humiliating also. Show them respect by letting the media attention fade away over time.

Divorce is not a good thing, with a child pulled back and forth between two seperated parents.

There is no point in debating the rights and wrongs of the marriage, just work on the good things about the marriage and the bad things can fade away in time if you don't focus on them.

Once the media attention has faded, you and your husband can begin talking quietly about "where to go from here on".

"Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone".

Don't make any statements about your marriage fraility to the media, or they will use it as "fodder to distort things further".


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## devastatedbeyondrepair (Apr 22, 2010)

Keely, you actually just gave me confirmation. Believe it or not, this is the way I was handling the situation before my emotions got the best of me. I have been supporting him. I didn't cast any judgment and when someone would come to me about my husband, my response was "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". 

The only problem I have in all this is when are people going to acknowledge my feelings? All I keep hearing is support him or understanding why he did what he did. At what point does the fact that me and my son have been violated become as important as his woes? I am stressed out too.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Yes, you will have to go back to the time when the needs werent being met and work forward... or simply state a forgiveness to one another... bc YOU are NOT blameless at all, even though you may feel less at fault bc you didnt go "cheat" you were cheating him out of sexual needs many more times than his incident. Once you state forgiveness, you start having sex with your husband and he starts talking to you... you both start doing what the other wants... any less and dont stay together... it will continue on as the same old ways.

Best of luck!


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Imagine how bad things are for Tiger Wood's wife at the moment with women coming out of the woodwork to "tell the media what they did with him". 

Mrs Woods is keeping quiet, so she can leave her options open for the future. Marriage is "for better or for worse" and her feelings are not being considered. But one day she will wake up and know what she wants to do with her marriage.

It maybe that Tiger has to wear a chasity device with a padlock for several years, with Elin holding the key around her neck - to keep women away from him.

Amazing how all these women are feeling hurt and are willing to spill their story - I guess there is a message here for men: 'women can't keep secrets'.


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## devastatedbeyondrepair (Apr 22, 2010)

Keely, I'm not sure I understand your post. Are you saying that the media is not considering Elin's feelings?


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## devastatedbeyondrepair (Apr 22, 2010)

Too Late, 

I am certainly not saying that I am blameless. I take full responsibility for how I contributed. However, I will never justify cheating. I appreciate your comments as this opens my eyes. It's good to have someone that doesn't know you that will tell you the truth. As painful as it is, I needed to hear this.


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