# Do I have a story for you...



## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

I am sure this isn't even the correct group to get in with, but I enjoy reading what everyone is going through.

Here's the scoop: Last April, my husband started an EA. If found out 1 month later. Looking back, I regret not telling him to leave and never return, that we were over. Again, key words....looking back. He waited a week to tell me honesty, no holding back, what was going on. So honest, so painful. He said he didn't know why it happened- even how, but this woman had some sort of "something" he couldn't explain. He said "it" was like looking in the mirror (scary thought) He said he didn't love me any less than the day he first texted her ( big fat lie?)

He told me he wanted to share his life with me and our S15, and with her. He wanted us both, because no one should be condemned just because they love more than one. The s*** about "poly" then was his reason.

I've been living in H*## since. We've been married 14 years, together 17. I really thought he was going through a mid life crisis or something. I really thought "they" wouldn't last. I now know I've "allowed" my heartache.... by even still being here, for even thinking I could live my life.... sharing my husband.

I know we love each other, but it will never be the same. It's just way too much drama. My problem is how to let him go. How do you just "un love" some one? Or do you just love from a distance. 

I've been working in the 180, and some key phrases from ReGroup's thread, and all the advice he's gotten there. Problem is... it's hard. I'm very angry, hurt from all that's been done, and yet... here I am, alone. We had so many dreams and plans for the future ( that he says would just have to modified because of OW)- who's going through a divorce and has D12, S8.

Does she really think this doesn't hurt her children? I know how it's hurting our son. I wasn't raised, nor told when I got married that 16 years later I would have to share my spouse. And I don't... all I have to do is say... I'm done, he's not forcing me to stay and he says he won't leave his home, because that's not how HE wants it. He wants us, and he wants her (doesn't want anything serious with the kids there) - and he lives there now 50% of the time. Believe it or not, HE is on a "custody" schedule.

It's horrible How do you let go of the fear of letting go? He knows I'm not happy. He knows I can never see his vision, yet he will not leave. I will not leave my S15 behind. 

I feel like I was punched in the stomach a year ago, so hard that it's taken until - my god- a year, to realize I just can't live this way. What is wrong with ME??

I'm ready for you all to "hit" me with: how weak I am, crazy, stupid, ... all of it.... "hit" me.... I hope something that someone says helps me to get a move on ... so I can start living a happy and healthy life ( without sooo much pain ).

Ask any question you want... I will answer anything and everything. Or tell me - wrong forum to be at


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

I'm so sorry OP, I know the whole sharing thing all too well. Your WH is cake-eating by wanting you both. My WH tried this too and I told him there's the door, me or her, and I mean it. Again sorry you joined the club no one wants to be in  Definitely won't hit you with anything. You have to decide what can you live with. I know personally I couldn't live with sharing my WH. I would start doing the 180 on him and start detaching , not fully, but enough to where he may notice. My WH tried the I love you both, 'til I said see ya! and I really meant it, and he came around really quick. He still has his feelings for her to work through, but chose us over her. It's so hard to know what to do, but do some soul searching and decide what you want. I decided I will NOT share my spouse, if he wants both of us, too BAD, then he only gets crazy mc-crazerson, because I'm gone. Continue sharing with us, we are here for you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No nice way dealing with narcissists like your H. Tell him that you are going to share him too...Start your new life infront of him. You have an open marriage anyway. As long as you come off as you are waiting for him, nothing will change. 

Is this OW a coworker ? 

Do you work or are you a SAHM?

Are you still having sex with him?


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Thank you NeverMore - thank you!

I am getting tired of the phrase, " If I had to decided on only one of the people I love, that person will only get half of me anyway... I'm not whole without either of you in my life".

I'm just so tired, so - so - so tired.

Thanks again


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He feels he is entitled to do as he pleases. According to his "take it or else" attitude you have little value. 

Apparently he has worn you down and brow-beat you into submission to the point you have no self-respect left. This is a very bad lesson he is teaching his son. If you do nothing for yourself, then do it for the future of your son. 

Ask yourself what your son is learning from his behavior and your acceptance. It isn't very pretty. He is leaning that real commitment is unnecessary in any relationship. He is either going to be taken advantage of and be docile or he will abuse a future mate. You will then ask yourself how he can behave in such a manner. 

The answer is "by watching his parents". 

Go see a lawyer. Let him know what's going on. Prepare divorce papers and have him served. But first, secure your finances. 

Do you work? Do you make a decent wage? Do you have relatives nearby you can lean on for temporary support. 

Your future is in your own hands. Have a little respect for yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You don't just "unlove" someone, you make the conscious decision to tell them to leave. Or you could just find another man and enjoy your half of the open marriage. Fwiw, I actually knew someone whose husband asked for an open marriage because he wanted to [email protected]#$ someone else with permission. The wife agreed and in the end got a lot more action than him (because it's easy for women to get sex). Hubby wasn't prepared for that and demanded she stop but by then she didn't want him anymore. They're now divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Warlock07,

Narcissist - HUGE!!

Not a co-worker, but met her on a job ( with her husband -soon to be ex)

We have a business together. Very hard, as he can't focus - EVER!!

Sex? LMAO!! He's having a lot of problems there. The stress of 2 women.... you'd think he'd be having a ton, and being happy. He does try though.... I'd say no he's not getting it from me, but that would be a lie, as it's rare when performance is up to par. I'm still thinking I have to be "faithful" to him. ( he doesn't want either of us to have anyone else in our lives, just him .. go figure ) he's quite the control freak, and jealous.

I'm keeping my mind open to forming a relationship with some one though... why shouldn't I? Right?

Thanks!


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Walkonmars - I am getting some of my "respect" back- just slow. My son is very open about how he disapproves of this "lifestyle" - and in no way shape or form, would ever disrespect his girlfriend or a wife in this manner. He's got a better head on his shoulders than we do.

Lawyer - oh, yeah... already done that. Have a lot of paperwork (evidence, shall we say) gathered. I'm may be "dumb" with my love life, but... not about money. I work, make way under his salary (part of mine was combined in his... when I became part owner... until all the "formalities" could be taken care of (that's done, but never have gotten my "share" back ("it's all going to the same place babe, no big deal") - that was before I found out. 

No family (or friends) here. But they would help.

Lifeistooshort - hmmmmm, very interesting.
I've asked him to leave. He doesn't want to be with her "full time" - that's not what he EVER wanted. Another... hmmmmm. (OW has issues, believe me. He's in a lot of denial about her. One day he'll hear from my lips... "I told you so"


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I recommend you start working out. Join a gym. Take dance lessons. Learn to samba and mambo. Get some new threads and treat yourself to a spa day. 

Volunteer at the animal shelter or the children's ward at a hospital. Teach a literacy class. Occupy your time with worthwhile endeavors. 

As you start to feel better physically and emotionally you'll find you rely less and less on the cake-eater. You will feel more independent and self-reliant. Be sure you see your doctor for a physical too.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I recommend you start working out. Join a gym. Take dance lessons. Learn to samba and mambo. Get some new threads and treat yourself to a spa day.
> 
> Volunteer at the animal shelter or the children's ward at a hospital. Teach a literacy class. Occupy your time with worthwhile endeavors.
> 
> As you start to feel better physically and emotionally you'll find you rely less and less on the cake-eater. You will feel more independent and self-reliant. Be sure you see your doctor for a physical too.


Very good advice! :smthumbup:


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I recommend you start working out. Join a gym. Take dance lessons. Learn to samba and mambo. Get some new threads and treat yourself to a spa day.
> 
> Volunteer at the animal shelter or the children's ward at a hospital. Teach a literacy class. Occupy your time with worthwhile endeavors.
> 
> As you start to feel better physically and emotionally you'll find you rely less and less on the cake-eater. You will feel more independent and self-reliant. Be sure you see your doctor for a physical too.


Forgot to add - you should schedule dance classes or fitness classes on nights you are fairly certain he's going to show up at your place. Just tell him "sorry, I'm busy tonight" and go out.


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

I've lost 60 pounds in this ordeal. I've never looked, or felt better!! I've been trying to lose weight for years. So new duds were a must!

I know I have to get involved with something... just hard, taking that first step alone. I have no one here.

I WANT my independence back... believe me. I have gone too many years without me. I want to find her again, and I know she's waiting. Too many years of being the wife he wanted - made me become someone I really wasn't in a way. When I started to find me again, he didn't like it... and found a new "victim".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> I've lost 60 pounds in this ordeal. I've never looked, or felt better!! I've been trying to lose weight for years. So new duds were a must!
> 
> I know I have to get involved with something... just hard, taking that first step alone. I have no one here.
> 
> I WANT my independence back... believe me. I have gone too many years without me. I want to find her again, and I know she's waiting. Too many years of being the wife he wanted - made me become someone I really wasn't in a way. When I started to find me again, he didn't like it... and found a new "victim".


Was yours, by some chance, even mildly, an abusive relationship, with him the abuser?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I honestly didn't read all the responses above but the thing that stood out in your post is S15.

PLEASE think of your child who is hurting. 

Your son needs an adult to take charge and show him the right way. His father is not acting like an adult so you must.

It is hard because you are in the middle but once you cross over to the other side, it will get easier. 

I don't know where you live but go get a lawyer NOW. This is not love, it's fear.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I am sorry you are here but you among good people. I saw something the other day in a book that say There are some people who you can keep in your heart but you do need them in your life. I think this might the case with your WS. I would try to think what is best for your son. I do not think it is easy to just unlove someone who you were married to. Detaching is one hard thing to do. Wishing you the best in the future.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You had a full time husband for all those years. Now he wants to withdraw at least 50% of his commitment to you and your son, but have you keep giving 100% to the marriage.

Honestly, his offer is ridiculous and insulting and demeaning. You gave him a chance to see the right from the wrong and he failed the test.

My strong advice: file for D, and extract every dime you can from him. He might find the OW dumping him when he is penniless and living off of her.

Definitely stop having sex with him.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

This sounds gut wrenching. So, how does staying make you feel? What does leaving look like? Who can help you do what you NEED to do for you? When can your decision feel final and right? I think walkonmars has it nailed: your self-esteem/respect needs a boost. 
Be safe with your moves. You said he wants it his way, he's jealous and obviously manipulative. If you mess up his plan, he could become a little dangerous. Think your plans through well and have someone check in with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What an egotistical putz! He's built a real mystique around himself that TWO women have bought into. He's just one of billions of people on this planet, however. Who died and left him Adonis? Before you know it he won't be having trouble getting it up because he's so busy 'servicing' his two loves, he'll be having trouble hoisting the flag because he's old and decrepit.

In other words, he's not special. Why do you let him jerk you around as if he's the Lord's gift to womanhood?

It sounds like you may be coming out of your shocked state. Go with it bigtime. Divorce this lug. I realize for him that it's SO painful to have to split his wonderfulness between two ladies, so when you tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out, he can focus all of his splendor on the OW.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'm coming in late and will probably repeat when others are telling you...

The fact is he does not love you. He simply wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's using you. So "un-loving" a person like that shouldn't be too hard. He's betrayed you and stabbed you in the heart thru the back. Some guy.

He has to go. Now. And divorce papers need to be made ASAP. 

It is always hard, so very hard, to lose a long term relationship but ahead is less pain and better days.


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Thank you to all.. for your advice.

I know D is the best thing to do. Everyone involved is absolutely miserable. 

OW can have him. What goes around - comes around!

He's only worried about how he will look like a monster....so time for him to "own" his own demons and issues.

I and my S15, will be better off. I know this in my heart.

I'll come back again to TAM, and let everyone know how things progress. 

Many thanks again!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> he's quite the control freak, and jealous.


Surprise!! 
....
....


No, not really


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sorry, *BetterLifeAhead*: Buffet style sex certainly seems to compliment him! You really don't need that ~ 180 him, get with an attorney, get out of there or throw his bones out, and get a good STD checkup from your MD to insure that he hasn't passed along an undeserved "parting gift" off to you!

Sorry that you're here at TAM, but you've definitely come to the right place, m'dear! You're in a safe haven where you will not be made fun of!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

One other thing to consider is how you will react if he agrees to dump ow, which he might if you file for divorce, or what you'll do when ow finally dumps him and he tries to come back. I'd be very careful with that as he's now shown you his true nature. There's a very good chance that the reason he's claiming he doesn't want ow full time is because ow doesn't want HIM full time and probably has other men herself. He will be in for a rude awakening and you will look good, so be prepared for him to beg for another chance. I wouldn't give it to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd divorce him and pillage him financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I'd divorce him and pillage him financially.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutly. To the yugular.
I'd also destroy his publoic image after that.


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Hi Everyone...

I've asked him to leave several times within the last year, he just won't do it. He says he's not going to lose his house ( my name isn't on it, but I know he can't force me to leave). It wasn't in his plan. I've looked for places for my S15 and I, not much within my budget.

I am so glad I am in a "safe haven" here, where no one makes fun of me, or lashes out to harshly That's why I joined TAM.

My S15 doesn't want him here, hates what his father is doing. I'm glad for that, and don't want him to be damaged mentally, more than he is.

He won't dump OW, although because he wouldn't leave me, OW has said he already has broken up with her, but she is too weak to leave. That was before she decided to "share" him. All the demands for equal time came after that. Demanded that she be considered his second wife, and once her divorce is final will take our last name. OW husband was a deadbeat, married for 20 years (teen sweethearts) - so all my WH has been able to do is supply her with food (with our money) - which has caused a great deal of drama. OW doesn't cook, has OCD, multiple issues. When WH asked me to start cooking enough for the "other house" - because it was too hard for him to work all day and go there and cook on his nights there. I told him "no, I'm not good with that". 

OW believes in order for it to be fair, a paycheck of his should be deposited to her account, since she is basically supporting WH 50% of the time, and OW is having money issues. The day a paycheck of WH goes to OW... is the day OW gets half our debt:smthumbup: I've already put some of that in motion for them, they'll catch on soon enough. Was getting tired of ALL the responsibility being taken care of by me (us).

He did stab me in the heart, betrayed me. Says he doesn't plan on breaking any other promises he made to me and S15. Too bad WH is in so much denial, about the consequences of some of his actions.

OW doesn't have any other men.... totally not the looker, not that it matters. Certainly not WH "type" - but I assume that was part of the attraction... WH husband knows deep down he would have no need for his extremely jealous tendencies. No worries there.

I spent the day making copies of important paperwork, printing off statements, and some other documents I need yet for the lawyer. Thank goodness they didn't think I was totally crazy, but they sure think WH is.

I'm off to the store... going to cook a wonderful meal and have a few drinks and plan on being with anyone on TAM tonight. S15 is out with friends. I'm too exhausted physically and mentally to go anywhere tonight.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't ask him to leave anymore, he's made his position clear. Ignore him completely; don't have sex with him, don't talk to him, don't even cook enough dinner for him. His demands are so outragious that any discussion you have about it makes you look like a doormat. Get your lawyer's advice and have him served, then let the court decide what he has to do. He can't legally spend marital money on ow so keep track of all of that. You're going to have to play hardball with this scumbag. Sorry about that, but one day you may look back and thank her for taking him off your hands. Let him be her problem; in the mean time enjoy your wonderful meal, you deserve it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Surprise!!
> ....
> ....
> 
> ...


Yes, I wondered about that, too, hence my question about the abusive personality. And, yes, control freak + jealousy often = abusive.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

File for divorce.

Your H gives new meaning to the word 'cake-eater.'

Entitled much?

File and force an agreement on the living situation. And don't say you can't afford an attorney. If there's enough to be considered too little for a second place for you, there's enough for a lawyer.

Just file. Like yesterday. No more excuses.

ETA: I see that you're getting ready for a lawyer. I hope you make that priority #1 so that you can legally get him out of the house.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You really do need some legal advice. More then likely you will end up with the home anyways because of your son. 

You know if you had an order of protection against him it would be just about impossible to get back into the home. 

As far as not "cheating on him" I would get a neighbor or close friend to come over and pretend to fvck you. Basically come out of the bedroom when he comes in the house. That might get the ball rolling on the order of protection once he gets pissed off good enough. A simple threat to life should suffice. 

Just make no one ends up killing each other. But then that might fix your problem also. 

Give him the cold shoulder, that will drive him nuts.. Go out on a date. Just tell your son the game plan so he doesn't think his mother is also abandoning him as well when he see's both parents now going out.

If you need lessons in being cold and mean I can just ask my wife to give you a hand, because she is a A-1 b1tch. :rofl:

You need to mess up his little world.. Just remember this is chess not checkers.. Think 20 to 30 steps ahead, weeks in advance.


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

MattMatt -

Physically abusive no. Verbally and mentally abusive = yes.

Because of his extreme jealousy, he watched his mother get beat as a child. Now that I think of it... he has grabbed me in such manners that have left bruises... so yes, physically too. Wow.. that hit me on the head! I think he felt so guilty about his "cheating ways" - that's why I was always accused. In hindsight.... should have been a huge flag.

He used to drink a lot. Now he buys a bottle every other weekend.... when he goes and stays with OW. :scratchhead:
Says it calms him, but I can only assume.. OW gives him a whole other set of problems to deal with.

Scumbag, Monster, MthrFr, adulterer, liar... self proclaimed know it all..... I have more choice words.

S15 also agrees that I shouldn't cook what he likes, only cook what we like. He does his own laundry over there - because of OW ocd issues and because he doesn't pay for utilities there - he's on a schedule for when he can do his laundry. He's not used to having to do his own things ie; cooking, cleaning, shopping.... he knows it's always been done for him. 

Do you know how horrible it is to hear on almost a daily basis..
" I don't have a lunch " "OW doesn't cook but 5 things" " I feel guilty if I spend any money" " OW is allergic to everything I'm used to using (soap, shaving cream, laundry detergent, shell fish, perfume, cologne, make up.... etc.) 

I block it out now, and then he'll question why I don't have anything to say or comment about. I tell him it's not my problem.. then I get the "everything is all on me" "I have to fix everything" " you women, act like little girls " " I need help with this sh**" - "not only are you my wife, but you and I are best friends" . Oh... you have no idea how pathetic he sounds... or maybe you do:rofl:


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Hardtohandle,

Wow... brilliant idea! What... you want WWIII to start?

I know how to push his buttons ( I've been with him 17 years )!!!
(and I do push them well ;-) )

He often says " I should just shoot myself " - we are both "licensed to carry" - he would shoot first, then ask questions. I'd not want to see anyone hurt because he's ... crazy???!!!!

I do not inform him anymore of my activities, which maddens him to no end. He always wants to know who I'm doing things with, etc. I don't respond.. figure it's really none of his business. But he has an argument about everything.

alte Dame - yes, he's special, he does give new meaning to "cake-eater" -


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So he's spending money on the OW when he should be contributing to your household. BTW, how's S15's college fund? 

What time does he come home for dinner? 6? why don't you and your son eat at 5 and have the kitchen cleaned up by 6?

Make plans to be out of the house as often as you can if he's going to be home. IOW, don't be there when he is. 

Get that lawyer working. As H2H said, you'll probably end up with the house for at least 3 more years. And if he bought it during your marriage it doesn't matter whose name is on the deed. Ask your lawyer. Get a shark - not just someone who wants you to fill out papers and collect a fee.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Please be sure your lawyer makes the maths about how much money he spent on OW. Ask it back.
Tape him with this sharing nonsense, try to make him put it into writing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Look, we all seem to be responding to this as if it's somehow in the realm of normal human behavior. But it really isn't. You're living in a truly delusional world. DELUSIONAL.

Tell your son tonight that his parents are splitting up. Tell your fake-H that you are divorcing him. Do it now and start taking the concrete steps to separate your lives. He is not playing with a full deck on this. You need to save your son from him - he is worse than a negative role model. Your son is 15 years old and very impressionable. You have to protect him from this trauma as much as you can. Get the both of you out of that situation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer, mention that he has hit guns.

You husband has abandoned his child and wife. No money should be going to the OW. None, in fact you can likely claim back any and all he as spent on her.

Btw, if she owns a house and your husband used your family money on her mortgage or property taxes, you just might a have a claim against her house!

See, you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP and tell him the delusional life your husband is pursuing, heck you might even get him under polygamy laws. I don't know, but a lawyer will. Go see one ASAP.

You can't force him out, but if he pulls anything do not hesitate to cll the cops and then see about an RO.

Frankly, the OW is a nut job leech who has grabbed onto your husband. If you can cut off his money flow through a D process you just may find she moves onto the next mark.

Oh, btw post the OW on cheaterville.com.


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

H comes home, between 6-7pm (according to phone records, he's talking with OW for .. hours.. before stepping in the house)
Matter of fact, he's on the phone for hours with OW and texting.. all day while he's supposed to be working.

I try not to be so available around here, but am here for S15, who can't stand it when he's here. I know... we need to get out of this situation. 

He will be out of state next week, due to a death in the family.
His Dad (step- but raised him) and I have been dealing with all the details... so I know OW has nothing to do with it. FACT

No one in his family knows ( because they will think he's crazy, and a monster ) - I on the other hand, regret it now, but have told my parents and one sibling. They have been most supportive, but yet... still in shock.

My S15 has said he wants to move, he hates this "home" - and doesn't like to be around his father. I'm trying to do the best I can... and I know, it's time to do more.

I will tell H it's time to divorce... as I, I ... want to move on from this delusional lifestyle. I can't believe I've let this go on for so long. TAM people...... I can't even tell you all how much your advice and support is appreciated here. I've really felt so alone. Not one of you has said something that hasn't hit home with me, nor has it been hurtful or demeaning .. for what I've been going through. Thank you, you have no idea how your messages to me have helped. I'm counting on all your support as I take the next steps in my life.:smnotworthy:

I know I'm not the :crazy: one here. Just that I've allowed him to "control" my life so much... that now I find myself in a situation that I'm so mad at myself.. for allowing all of it happen in the first place.


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Shaggy,

What is cheaterville??

I have been trying to find out how to get contact OW - soon to be ex, as "they" have him snookered into thinking he has no rights to marital property and their children.

thank you in advance


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Remember that you have rights in all of this. Make talking to a lawyer your priority for Monday and get that squared away. Do not use the house ownership as an excuse to waver or procrastinate. You will not be out on the street just because his name is on the title. You have rights.

Tell your H tonight that you are divorcing him. Take the step. Stop being afraid. It will liberate you.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

It's good to get mad, you should be. Get really mad, he's taking you for a ride on the crazy train and you need to get off at the nearest stop!!! Keep feeling that and it will help you in moving on from this ..er ..."guy".


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

alte Dame, 
Is this something I do by text? Telling him via text that I'm divorcing him? It's not my turn, lol!! (sorry- had to put that in)

I know I have rights. I AM afraid, but know it will be liberating just to get out of this!!

He stopped by here today to pick up coffee and food ( because he didn't have any ) * leftover food mind you, stuff I would have been tossing ( I made it with bad meat anyway )... I know, I'm pretty awful.

After he left, he sends me a text: youtube video: The Very Thought of You - Tony Bennett w/ Paul McCartney.

We relate to music... a lot - does anyone have a good one for me to send back? I've listed to Meg and Dia, The One... but a phrase there says.."i'm holding you back" - when really it is HE that has/is holding me back. Justin Timberlake, What Goes Around... was a thought, but... then I get to the ones...like : One Last Cry... Thank you for the broken heart.... crap like that. I need a good one, one that really says it all. Help? Anyone??


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Nevermore -

I am MAD... really mad!

That's why I came here to TAM... I so desperately needed help from real people.... people that have gone through this stuff, albeit not like this "crazy train". Or, maybe... so I've read...well, not like this.

Like I said in the beginning.... I probably should have been on some "poly" site... but, they would have told me the same thing, as he's not really "poly" - and he's not that at all. He's just a cheater and cake-eater!

I know... that site... ripped me a new a**, and then some. I should have listened then. I've been such a fool! What did some of you call me.... doormat? yeah, (here comes the pity party) .. that too. WTF happened to me?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> Nevermore -
> 
> I am MAD... really mad!
> 
> ...


Don't get down on yourself. You were run over by a bulldozer so yeah, you were overwhelmed and shocked. Who wouldn't be. 

The good news is you are finding your bearings. If I were you I'd get the divorce paperwork rolling and not even tell him. I'd just have him served. Then I'd wait at home with a VAR (voice activated recorder) and if he came home in a rage I'd call the police and have him removed. Then served with a TRO. 

You are holding a bunch of trump cards. Play them!


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> alte Dame,
> Is this something I do by text? Telling him via text that I'm divorcing him? It's not my turn, lol!! (sorry- had to put that in)
> 
> I know I have rights. I AM afraid, but know it will be liberating just to get out of this!!
> ...


I've always liked this one !!!

~I'll pray for you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA

Also Justin Timberlake~cry me a river
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DksSPZTZES0


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Any domestic violence shelter would help you. They are not easy to find, but you can always ask a police officer to help you get to one in a pinch. Your son would be welcome, too. They would help you with food, clothing, finding work, learning how to budget, therapy, transportation, etc. Consider this. They also help with the divorce process!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Don't get down on yourself. You were run over by a bulldozer so yeah, you were overwhelmed and shocked. Who wouldn't be.
> 
> The good news is you are finding your bearings. If I were you I'd get the divorce paperwork rolling and not even tell him. I'd just have him served. Then I'd wait at home with a VAR (voice activated recorder) and if he came home in a rage I'd call the police and have him removed. Then served with a TRO.
> 
> You are holding a bunch of trump cards. Play them!


I agree, don't get down on yourself. You were doing what you felt was the right thing to do in trying to salvage your marriage. I don't think you are a doormat, he obviously has been abusing you mentally at the very least and got you to this point, abuse makes us put up with things we never imagined we would.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheaterville is cheaterville.com a place to post people who either a charters or are people who go after married people to cheat with.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> alte Dame,
> Is this something I do by text? Telling him via text that I'm divorcing him? It's not my turn, lol!! (sorry- had to put that in)


I know this was a joke (and it made me both cringe and laugh), but.....wait for it......why NOT text him with your news of filing for a divorce? 

He's made a complete mockery of your marriage. Why not rock his world tonight while he's with the looney-tunes OW?

I'm serious.

Thank him for the song, send him a song back and say, 'btw, I'm filing for divorce.'

Through With You - Maroon 5 with lyrics - YouTube


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> I will tell H it's time to divorce... as I, I ... want to move on from this delusional lifestyle.


*Don't tell him a thing*. Completely blinside him.
Gather evidence and financial papers, fish for a few lawyers, choose the pittbull, meanwhile play dumb or implement a modifided/convenient 180 and serve his sorry a$$. 
Also, purchase a goof VAR (Voice activated recorder) and carry it with you every moment.
Be smart. You own him noting, nothing. Not even a note about what's your plan life are.
Also expose this to his family and mutual friends (if any). Destroy him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> serve his sorry a$$.


Yes.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BLA

Make your plans carefully to get out of this marriage.



> *Thank goodness they didn't think I was totally crazy, but they sure think WH is.*


Because when your WH is served you and your son should not be anywhere near him.

Especially since he has been physical with you and owns a gun.

Take care of yourself and keep posting here.

ANd by the way none of this nonsense is your fault. There is no manual for dealing with infidelity......


Good Luck to you and your boy.

HM64


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## BetterLifeAhead (Apr 12, 2013)

Thanks everyone!

I actually slept very well for the first time in a year! Support and advice, was what I needed!!

He, in retrospect... has always been a know it all... or thought he knew it all. He is a very good manipulator! The best! I think he's forgotten that in our 17 years together... he also was teaching me. Guess time to use the knowledge.

H leaves for a funeral this week, and upon his return, I will have my ducks in a row ( he thinks he was the only one who thought about everything ) .... 

I'm glad to have all of you for support! I will keep posting, I am stronger! I can ( and will ) move forward!

Liked Cheaterville, found he has already been looked up several times.... LMAO!

Hope all of you are having a great day!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> Thank you NeverMore - thank you!
> 
> I am getting tired of the phrase, " If I had to decided on only one of the people I love, that person will only get half of me anyway... I'm not whole without either of you in my life".
> 
> ...


Sorry you are here . Make him understand this is not a choice he has made for both of you. You put simply are with that program.Stop all interaction with him ALL no sex no idle chit chat just the business of running the home.

Go out have fun just tell him you are going out watch the kids you will be home when you get home.Stay faithful file papers show him your not in this with a third party .You can even say how about this sounds like fun You can do the same thing and are out looking too.

He will not respect you or even respect you less than he has already shown you.


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## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

BetterLifeAhead said:


> .............................
> 
> We relate to music... a lot - does anyone have a good one for me to send back? I've listed to Meg and Dia, The One... but a phrase there says.."i'm holding you back" - when really it is HE that has/is holding me back. Justin Timberlake, What Goes Around... was a thought, but... then I get to the ones...like : One Last Cry... Thank you for the broken heart.... crap like that. I need a good one, one that really says it all. Help? Anyone??


How about this old warhorse of a song ?? :smthumbup:

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking how I could ever live without you by my side
Then I spent so many nites
Thinking how you did me wrong
Then I grew strong
And I made the decision to move on

So now you're back, from the b*tch'es place
You just walk in to find me throw the divorce papers at your face
I have indeed changed the stupid lock
I don't intend to give you the key
If I've known for just one second
You'll be back to bother me ...........

----------------------------------

A poor attempt at rewriting, I know .....

But you're getting there, OP ... Stand tall ... Don't be that b**stard's Plan B anymore !!


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