# What do you mean, you thought I had an Orgasm?



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Ok... my hubby is actually VERY good in bed, when I can get him there. 

BUT, he is clueless as to when I have an O. And I'm not one of those quiet types. You would think nails digging into his shoulders while i moaned and screamed into his neck "YEs!! YES, i'm COMING!" might be a clue. It baffles me. We had sex last night, and it was very good technically, but of course he came within a minute or so of penetration like usual. Usually I just let it go at that, but lately, I've been "making" him give me an O too. 

What perplexes me is that he said he thought he HAD given me an Orgasm. 

Now he usually stays hard for a while after he comes, so I climbed on top for a while and had fun 

After he went soft, i got out my toys to finish myself and said I needed and O or I was gonna go nuts! He seemed hurt and surprised and said he thought I already had one with him. (before he came)

I had him run the toys, and he kissed me when I came, so that was nice - a first for us. At least he was somewhat involved even though I had to suggest everthing he did.

Now guys - I know some of you who have sex ALOT, say your wife is VERY orgasmic etc. Do you think you like sex so much because you are able to please your wife so easily? (or she has convinced you that you can) If a kiss on the neck can elicit an O, is that what makes you want to please her even more? I'm pretty easy to get an orgasm out of, but it usually requires either foreplay (something hubby is not that into unless it's for him) or toys to "prime the pump". 

He really doesn't seem to like sex with me, but I think it is because he feels he can't 'please me' very much. This is NOT nessecarilly true! He might have to work at it a bit tho. you know, some foreplay, a few techniques, actually paying attention to me, that sort of thing.

When we were dating the sex was INCREDIBLE. First time i've ever had an O without toys! But then again, he spent SO much time on foreplay, usually starting that morning and building up to the 'event'. 

Now he considers 'sex' to be his O from my BJ while he watches porn. Yech. This may be HIM having sex, but it's not ME having sex or even US having sex. When he mentioned that we had had sex last week, I said you mean when you were watching porn and said it wasn't going to suck itself?? He laughed and said, yes. Then he said well, I guess I had sex then. But don't tell me you didn't like it. 

Well sure I liked it, I like pleasing him. But how on earth do I get across that I would be so much happier if he spent as much time and attention on me as I do on him? I've told him, i've written letters to him. I don't know what else to do!

Our orgasms are SO out of whack. He comes twice a week, I get to come twice a year. 

Can I retrain him after three years? Is he just selfish or stupid? If you didn't put any foreplay into your sex and considered YOUR O to be 'sex' no matter what your wife thought, would you still want it as much?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Your first mistake is letting him watch porn while you service him. Just my opinion but that is VERY demeaning and its no wonder he has no interest in wanting to make sure you are pleased.

You are taking care of him while he is looking at other naked women, seems totally demeaning and disrespectful to you.

No way that would fly with my wife, period. 

You need to stop that behavior that treats you like a sex object and not a sensual woman.

That would be my first bit of advice.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Snix,

Yeah I If I were you I would make new rules you first then him. And he can't be that great a lay if he doesn't know when you do or don't orgasm. I mean you can feel it for christ sake. My wife always has at least 2 before my one. Her record is 5 before I get to. Problem is 4-5 knock her out of the loop for 3 days so I have to limit her and keep her on an orgasm diet. But i'm a giver, your hubby is a taker. Change the rules change your game is my advice.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

HAve you ever tried marks methods?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11-

It's not so much sex your H has a problem with as intimacy. He does not want anyone in his head, and he does not want to be in your head, although I think he understands you pretty well.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

fredbridg-

You need to read all of snix11's threads first. Her hubby don't give a damn about her pleasure. His idea of good sex is a BJ from her, with nothing in return. He like to assume that sex is all about him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I keep thinking that marks methods would help our sex life. However they require the enthusiastic support and willingness of the husband to work. In effect it's rather like the man sacrificing for the woman. I have come to feel this is an indespesible part of a great marriage. The man pursues the woman sexually and when the woman gives of her charms how willingly and wantonly she gives herself to her pursuer makes her valuable to him. Am I close?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

As long as he is in disconnect mode and doesn't care about us, nowhere. 

But he insists that it's my fault and that only i can change it over time by being like water (whatever that means). He says that he doesn't want a personal relationship with me but cares for me and loves me. He told the counselor he was willing to try and might want a relationship some time in the future. He has been willing to put up with spending time with me in the evenings, but doesn't look forward to it. I always have to mention it. We are supposed to have from 830-10pm in the evenings for undivided attention for each other. Games, affection, talking, sex something like that.

Sometimes he will suggest a game like scattergories. Most of the time he just wants to watch a movie. not touching, not talking, not cuddling. Not undivided attention! 

If I make a Bi*ch of myself, and insist, he will agree to have sex, tho grudgingly. I HATE that! Makes me feel so worthless. Even then the sex is usually all about him. 

Affection, he's fine. Gives as good as he gets. When he gives me affection, it's great. But personal relationship wise? he's not there. Sex is all about him, he wants to only talk about himself and his hopes dreams hobbies etc. hates talking about 'us' or our future. 

So it's like he wants only affection, but nothing too personal. 

Where is this going? I don't know. I'm trying a Mort/love dare kind of thing for Feb. Super nice and sweet, super loving, super kind, etc. 

His best friend is having a birthday party for me at the end of the month. I was so surprised when his friend suggested it! We were over at their house and I asked him if he would make me some of his famous cookies for my birthday. They are addictive enough that they are called "crackies". Peanut butter and coconut. mmmmmm  

He then asked my hubby when my party was and hubby said he hadn't thought about it which as his friends of 20 years know that means he won't do anything about it. They immed offered to throw me a party. Honestly hubby's friends are better to me than he is most times! 

This year he gave me an ipod (two weeks ago - my bday is on the 25th) and even had it engraved. I thought it would be romantic, but the engraving said 'happy birthday, love from your family'. again, nice but not personal. 

I'm trying. but i don't know how much longer i can keep on giving without getting 'enough'.


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