# How Can I Move Forward after my Husband's Infidelity???



## No...NotMe (Nov 18, 2010)

I am new to this website and found the members and posts to be inspiring/helpful for me...
With that being said, I am looking for advice/encouragement/strength/courage to move forward and repair my marriage.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 6. We began dating at the young age of 15 and have never broke up. We had what many of our friends and family (even I) believed to be a marriage that you could only dream of. I ALWAYS felt like the luckiest woman in the world.
We have two children (31/2 son and 6 month daughter). During my 8th month of pregnancy I noticed that my husband was very distant from our friends and more importantly my son and I. I questioned him and he told me that he was not excited about the new baby (completley planned pregnancy), I thought it was the worst thing I could have ever heard. The following week, I still felt something was not right, so I questioned it further and he told me that in addtion to not being excited for the new baby, he was no longer in love with me, no longer attracted me. I was devistated, and I immediatley contacted our marriage counselor (we had seen her after the birth of our first child). She was very concerned about me falling into a bad depression or having the post partum depression, so we focussed on me until after the baby was born. It was a horrible experience at the hospital, I was so uncomfortable and even though my husband was there the whole time, I felt so alone. It was horrible.
We continued to go to counseling together and separatley with no progress. I asked if there was someone else and he assured me that there was not. 
I continously checked his personal cell phone and his work cell phone and found nothing, but I knew something was terribly wrong. I just kept at it, but nothing. 
Finally, he decided we should try separating so we could better work on things since we were not making any progress. He got his own place and left us. We continued working on our relationship (or so I thought) and it felt like it was getting better. 
He would come and stay at our house a few times a week, basically everything was done on his terms. I continued to go through his phone and found a text finally. He assured me it was nothing, just flirting and it made him feel good. He said he would stop talking to this girl (he met while working out of town). After the next several months of things not getting better and me thinking something is just not right, I continued to search his phones, but kept coming up empty handed. 8 weeks ago, it finally all came out... After 9 months of turmoil and lie after lie, it all came out.
He was talking to 15+ different girls, some at the same time, some he was no longer talking with. He had slept with 9 of the girls. I did not know what to do, but he told me he could not stop, it made him feel so good and he did not want to hurt me anymore, but he did not want me to file for divorce because he could not live with out me. But he was not willing to stop his behavior.
I finally reached a breaking point about 5 weeks ago and met with an attorney and decided filing for divorce would be the only way for me to move forward and close this ugly chapter in my life. 
I brought the divorce paperwork to him and discussed our finances, custody and allocation of everything we had together. He begged me not to file and I fell for it.
He contacted all of the girls and told them not to contact him any more and he moved back home. 
He is making a HUGE effort and I can feel the difference. I have been fighting for this from the moment that I knew something was not right. And now, I don't know how to move forward, to stop thinking about all of the horrible, dishonest things he has done. He has promised me that he is 110% committed to us and making things better, but I still wake up in the middle of the night sick to my stomach and feel such anger and disgust for him. 
I have been praying for the strength to get through this and the courage to be brave, but I can not stop thinking about his actions and I don't know how to close the negativity out so we can move forward.
Is this is ever going to get easier???


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

The first step in all of this is to find out what you need from him to even be able to consider reconciling. Do you need all his passwords and cell records? Do you want him to attend counseling with you? etc, etc. Decide what boundaries you need in place, and then decide if you will forgive him. Not right away, but if you can in time. ( This would also include not being able to throw it in his face for years to come)


----------



## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

Yes, it is going to get easier, if you stand up to the decision of saving your marriage.... 

There are no excuse for cheating, but when you said that you have been dating for 15 years and never broke up. I think that made your husband feel that he was missing a lot in life and was for a while got very curious about what's out there.... but later realized but all he wanted was you, his family... sad that he has to realize this at the expense of hurting your feelings at a tremendous level, but it's over now. focus on what you want in the relationship. It will be a rough road to travel but you can get through it.


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My situation was similar to yours in that there were multiple other women and I completely understand what you mean when you say you can feel a change in him. I also know exactly what you're going through when you lie awake at night next to the man you love and the man who hurt you so deeply. But you have young children and I feel so bad that what should be a happy time in your life is marred by the nightmare of infidelity. 

You've known your husband so long and if you feel that he's really back in the marriage, you can get through this. Transparency is key- no more secrets. My husband gave me all of his passwords and even had his email forwarded to my phone. Has your husband done that for you?

I can tell you that those sleepless nights grow farther apart and as long as you're certain the cheating has stopped, you can get through it. I know it hurts like hell now, but it gets better with time. 
I really hope things work out for you.

I'm curious because you sound so much like I felt in the beginning, do you trust him? I trusted my husband again almost immediately because of the changes I sensed in him. Letting go of the past is the issue I've had to deal with. That and anger toward the other women- grrr! 

Have you been able to identify the problems in your marriage that led to all of this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

marga88 said:


> Yes, it is going to get easier, if you stand up to the decision of saving your marriage....
> 
> There are no excuse for cheating, but when you said that you have been dating for 15 years and never broke up. I think that made your husband feel that he was missing a lot in life and was for a while got very curious about what's out there.... but later realized but all he wanted was you, his family... sad that he has to realize this at the expense of hurting your feelings at a tremendous level, but it's over now. focus on what you want in the relationship. It will be a rough road to travel but you can get through it.



I agree with this. I think the age you two fell in love could be a huge factor. My husband was 22 when we met and I've thought that he felt he missed out on sowing his oats and now it's over and he's settled back down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## No...NotMe (Nov 18, 2010)

I do feel like I am beginning to trust him again, but I have soooo many doubts at the same time. It's weird, I don't blame the girls since he is the one who was lying, they too believed him. I actually have spoken to two of the girls and they believed that we were separated and there was no chance of us working it out. 

It's such a terrible situation to be in. I feel like it has taken over my life, I don't know how to get these thoughts to leave my brain and to be able to just move forward.

I just keep asking for the strength to get through this and to remain positive in this healing process. 

I think I have been fighting so hard for so long to just keep us together that now I am actually dealing with the pain.

One thing I forgot to mention originally is that everything started shortly after he took steroids and physically changed into a "better looking guy". His confidence was insain, and he fed it with the girls chasing him. He told me he could have any girl he wanted, and it was like a drug for him to feel like EVERYONE wanted him.


----------

