# Not sure what to do....



## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

Married 16 years, 2 kids. Husband extremely jealous and has always been. Checks up on me, accuses me of affairs constantly, is jealous that I have friends, looks at home phone and cell phone records to see who I am talking and texting with, insists on having all my passwords, forbids me to wear "workout" clothes to the gym because they are too "revealing." (even though everyone wears the same stuff). Is jealous if my family wants to spend time with me.

I do nothing for many years, while the kids are small. I sit home and take care of him and the kids. Kids are older now, and In the past two years, I get involved with new friends, and my circle widens. Husband is supportive of this, and things are good. Husband then gets jealous and says "you get asked to do more things than I ever do." 

Now, he uses lack of money and "family time" as an excuse for me not to do anything with anyone but him. He can go do what he wants when he wants to, until 2 or 3am. If I go to dinner with a friend and am home by 10, he is asking 20 questions, has gone through all my personal belongings at home, and practically gives me a lie detector test.

He is starting to keep me in again, saying we need to save money and the kids are growing up so we need to go out less. I ask if I can go work out, and he says I work out too much. I work out at 6am, so he cannot argue that this is taking family time. He is happy that I am home more now, but I am sad. I am again, losing friends because of how he is. Calls to ask me to do stuff has stopped. Everyone can see that he will not let me do anything.

I asked about counseling, and he says we don't have money for counseling. He is happy that he is making us hermits again. I am becoming increasingly depressed. I don't want to end this marriage but I don't know what to do anymore.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

Also, I feel like we don't have a marriage anyway. He criticizes me, is always negative when I am happy, and he never wants to have sex with me, even though I initiate 99% of the time. Not sure why I am even in this marriage at this point.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

A lot of the things you say make me wonder if your husband has some depression or other problems. Is this recent or has it always been like that? 

I think counseling, starting with MC, and leading to IC if necessary would be best. If you are becoming depressed everything is going to become negative and the situation will get worse.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pleasebehonest said:


> Married 16 years, 2 kids. Husband extremely jealous and has always been. Checks up on me, accuses me of affairs constantly, is jealous that I have friends, looks at home phone and cell phone records to see who I am talking and texting with, insists on having all my passwords, forbids me to wear "workout" clothes to the gym because they are too "revealing." (even though everyone wears the same stuff). Is jealous if my family wants to spend time with me.
> 
> I do nothing for many years, while the kids are small. I sit home and take care of him and the kids. Kids are older now, and In the past two years, I get involved with new friends, and my circle widens. Husband is supportive of this, and things are good. Husband then gets jealous and says "you get asked to do more things than I ever do."
> 
> ...


This is abuse. Only you can put a stop to his controlling your life. Stand up for yourself, because he thinks that this is okay. Are you sure he isnt having an affair himself?


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I know, deep in my heart, that this is abuse. Not sure how to get out of this though. Can't really support these kids on my own at this point, but I am surviving and working on becoming more financially independent. I have thought that maybe he is having an affair. Thanks for your advice.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You do NOT have to support the children alone; the courts will ORDER him to pay money to feed, clothe, shelter your children.


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

I just feel like something is wrong with me. I know I can't stay like this any longer. He wants me to work so I get a job, so I get one, then he is texting and calling me all day. He accuses me of cheating on him if I don't answer my phone on the first couple of rings. When I don't make enough money, he will give me a 2 hour lecture. When I am working hard, he will complain the house is a mess. He expects me to be at his disposal, yet he expects me to be successful at my job. He says I work out too much, and I only work out because I am too focused on superficial things, like looking good. He is happiest when I am home doing nothing, not talking to anyone, not associating with anyone. I feel so stressed everyday like he is watching me, and everyday I am waiting for him to blow up at me about something. I'm a nervous wreck!

He can never say anything nice. Today I'm an "ass" because I got snippy when he called me while I was working, and I was irritated getting interrupted. All my friends are bad and he doesn't want me hanging around with them. I feel sick to my stomach everyday.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

Dubya said:


> A lot of the things you say make me wonder if your husband has some depression or other problems. Is this recent or has it always been like that?
> 
> I think counseling, starting with MC, and leading to IC if necessary would be best. If you are becoming depressed everything is going to become negative and the situation will get worse.


Just read your last post and really just have to repeat what i said the first time. This, or you can let it get worse.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Do you have famioly that will take you in for a short time?


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

Ready to laugh your behinds off. Guess what H told me last night? (while we were out for dinner, no less) He told me he just doesn't have sex drive anymore and sex is the last thing he wants to do. I have always had the higher sex drive, and he very low, and i have been always supportive and loving, no matter what. 

Last few years he tells me "I can feel myself getting old." If we ever did have sex, which was once every two to three months or so, he wasn't into it, and lots of times had to stop because it wasn't "doing it for him." He is in his late 40s. 

So basically, I have a H who criticizes me, holds me back from being friends with people, who is always unhappy and not nice to me, who isn't warm (thinks hand holding is for 16 year olds). Never kisses me, accuses me of cheating and checks up on me, and no, he tells me he pretty much can do without sex, and he refuses therapy.

Cried myself to sleep last night. My marriage is a joke.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

pleasebehonest said:


> I asked about counseling, and he says we don't have money for counseling. .


Ask him if he has the money for a divorce. That might change his tune.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is hubby having an affair?


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

pleasebehonest said:


> Ready to laugh your behinds off. Guess what H told me last night? (while we were out for dinner, no less) He told me he just doesn't have sex drive anymore and sex is the last thing he wants to do. I have always had the higher sex drive, and he very low, and i have been always supportive and loving, no matter what.
> 
> Last few years he tells me "I can feel myself getting old." If we ever did have sex, which was once every two to three months or so, he wasn't into it, and lots of times had to stop because it wasn't "doing it for him." He is in his late 40s.
> 
> ...


Get ready for him to lay the guilt trip big time and resent you for wanting out.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

So, you started off saying you are not sure what to do. Do you know now?


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## pleasebehonest (Oct 11, 2012)

Yes. It has taken me awhile, but I believe I know what I have to do. He needs to change, or I need to leave. Either way, I can't go on like this. He doesn't show signs of changing, of trying to change, and he doesn't even think he is doing anything wrong. In the meantime, my head has been messed with long enough. I am going to spend time working on myself, gaining the self-esteem that I need, and putting the pieces in place for myself and my children. Then, I have to leave. 

Thanks for your help.


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