# I beg him for sex. Even offer to forgo foreplay...but he still doesn't want to :(



## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

IDK what it is. He says I'm sexy. He says I'm beautiful. I know that he wants more frequent sex. I've recently lost 45lbs and have learned to love my body and be proud of my body. So I'm more sexually aroused. But he always says he's too tired. When I try to stimulate him he's never interested. It takes a long time to get him fully aroused. He usually ends up falling asleep!
In the past I've been against taking pictures and making home movies. But to get him more interested in me I've encouraged it. When we tried to make a movie, he got so wound up in getting the camera in the right non-blurry angle that he lost his interest and it took forever to get him back. (Maybe cause I'm thinking like a women) but I thought that by sitting mostly naked in a provocative pose would keep him interested, and it didn't. I've even attempted to increase the frequency of oral sex on him but still!
I've tried to talk about potential health reasons for his lack of gusto (diet, age, even ED!), but he refuses to open up to me. He blames it all on just being tired. 
I've tried coming on to him in the morning after he sleeps in. I've even begged for him to cut back on work so that hes not so tired. But he refuses. 
Our 9yr first date anniversary was yesterday. He took me out to dinner, but spent the majority of the dinner on his iphone texting his boss. Then when we got home I put on crotchless panties and had a blind fold in one hand and massage oil in the other hand. With candle lit I laid on the bed for 2&1/2hrs before he joined me after leaving his computer. He ended up falling asleep!
I'm only 27 and I didn't think my sex drive would be so crazy as it is at this age. I can't imagine what I will be like when I hit my 30's!
Is it me?!


We've been together for 9 years.
Married for 5 years.
No kids just dogs. 
I work three jobs. He works one.

Please help me brainstorm some ideas or thoughts.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Stop begging, and stop acting so needy. Also, how frequent are you looking at? Have you ever forced him into sex before? Have you learnt what turns him on? Do you know how to tease? Do you know how to play the jealousy game? What kind of man is he -> does he like to be taken or does he like to conquer?

The missus and I has had this problem for years


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's your problem because he's not concerned but make no mistake it's NOT your fault. HE has to fix this. There is no reason why an otherwise healthy man would be too "tired" to be with his wife. Men don't work that way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with your sex drive. Mine has always been out of control...luckily my husband's is too.

I don't have any advice, but...maybe just back off a bit. Let him chase you.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

check his computer history to see if he's viewing porn. Sometimes people divert their erotic interest to a subject and that causes them to subvert their interest in everything else, even their spouse. I'm apathetic on porn, but it can become an issue in relationships because of this. He might be getting mentally wound up by certain porn, and your physical advances are playing second fiddle to the fantasy of the porn.

Displacement is a good word for it. It's not only porn that can get in the way, but porn is a common obstacle.

Other than that, perhaps you should just masturbate for a while, dress provacatively for him, but NEVER try to initiate sex. It could just be a classic case of him needing to have what he can't have, and since you're on top of him there is no challenge to it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I am kind of in the same situation... I am 33 my husband is 43.. Our sex life has dropped dramatically in the last 3 years.. In my experience since i have stopped perusing my husband our sex life has gotten worse.. once every 2 months if i am lucky.

You can back off for a little while and see what happens, but i think it will not get any better if you do back off.. I could be wrong though.. 

Also piqued mentioned to check the internet history on the computer.. If is is totally clean you know there is something he doesn't want you to know about. Rather it be porn or something else.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Did he know you were in crotchless panties and all dolled up for sex?

And are you so sure it was his boss he was texting?

And further, do you feel as though he outwaited you on the computer to avoid sex?

Not typical for a guy to ignore such a scenario, something is wrong. 

Find out what it is.


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Stop begging, and stop acting so needy. Also, how frequent are you looking at? Have you ever forced him into sex before? Have you learnt what turns him on? Do you know how to tease? Do you know how to play the jealousy game? What kind of man is he -> does he like to be taken or does he like to conquer?
> 
> The missus and I has had this problem for years


Well to address your points, yes I've begged. Both sarsacticly and not sarcastically. I don't mean for my "begging" to come off as needy. My frequency would ideally be two to three times a week. But we're currently at once a month or every other month. 
No I've never forced him into sex. However he's defiantly "forced" me (but that's a whole other not important topic at the moment). And yes I know what turns him on. He's he likes to be conquered which unfortunately I don't enjoy doing but I'm DOING it because I want the intimatcy. I want the sex. I want him. So I'm doing it. Hence the reason why I'm even being opened to try things we haven't done before. 

But this is all still not working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> There's nothing wrong with your sex drive. Mine has always been out of control...luckily my husband's is too.
> 
> I don't have any advice, but...maybe just back off a bit. Let him chase you.


I've tried backing off. But that resulted in two months of no sex. 
I can't handle that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

piqued said:


> check his computer history to see if he's viewing porn. Sometimes people divert their erotic interest to a subject and that causes them to subvert their interest in everything else, even their spouse. I'm apathetic on porn, but it can become an issue in relationships because of this. He might be getting mentally wound up by certain porn, and your physical advances are playing second fiddle to the fantasy of the porn.
> 
> Displacement is a good word for it. It's not only porn that can get in the way, but porn is a common obstacle.
> 
> Other than that, perhaps you should just masturbate for a while, dress provacatively for him, but NEVER try to initiate sex. It could just be a classic case of him needing to have what he can't have, and since you're on top of him there is no challenge to it.


I have checked his computer and his iPhone. There's nothing on their that shouldn't be. I honestly do not think he's doing anything sneaky. I really don't. 

Yes I've resorted to closet masturbation  it's just not the same 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

michzz said:


> Did he know you were in crotchless panties and all dolled up for sex?
> 
> And are you so sure it was his boss he was texting?
> 
> ...


He knew I was in the crotchless panties when he finally made it to the bedroom. He called me beautiful, brushed his teeth, then went to bed. 
Yes I'm positive it was his boss he was texting. And I don't think he was or is TRYING to avoid sex. 

What I feel is that he just doesn't find me to be important anymore. 
Idk, but I can't help to think it's my fault. 

I'm just so lonely. It kills :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Is his boss a man or a woman? If it's a woman, his texting might be more of a problem than you think. 

Have you considered a technology curfew? No phones, internet, etc after a certain time? 8:00 pm? Can you simply make a rule that you go to bed together at a somewhat consistent time?

Is his job so important that he has to work all day and text about it all night? Will he lose his job if he doesn't text his boss all night? What does his boss's spouse think of the behavior?

Simply put, among a what is likely a lot of other things, he's having an affair with his phone and whoever he is communicating with. He is emotionally attached to whatever he is doing on the phone. Lack of sex is the manifestation of his not making you a priority because his phone is more important. Take sex out of the equation. Would he choose to spend time with you instead? 

He needs to turn his phone off and pay attention to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mymooser said:


> I have checked his computer and his iPhone. There's nothing on their that shouldn't be. I honestly do not think he's doing anything sneaky. I really don't.
> 
> Yes I've resorted to closet masturbation  it's just not the same
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just curious, but why "closet masturbation"? Are you concerned about letting him know how much this is really affecting you? And as an FYI, watching a woman so horned up that she has to take things into her own hands is a real turn on...

Unfortunately, some people will refuse to change unless their world is truly shaken up. That may mean drawing a line in the sand, and being willing to stick to it. As in, he gets his butt into his doctor to get checked out physically, or you'll... What are you willing to sacrifice at this point? You may have to make the same push for counseling, if nothing physical comes up. Pun intended...

The really bad news is that his sex drive is likely to decline as he gets older, and yours is likely to rise. That doesn't bode well for things to improve on their own.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Chronic fatigue is a real problem and there are many reasons for it. It should be treated medically. Your husband needs a good physical work up and a chat with his Doc. I know you want to think that on some level it must be your fault because then you can fix it, but if he has a medical problem you are going to have to be patient. If he won't go to the doctor and doesn't want any help then you have some decisions to make.


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

rfAlaska said:


> Is his boss a man or a woman? If it's a woman, his texting might be more of a problem than you think.
> 
> Have you considered a technology curfew? No phones, internet, etc after a certain time? 8:00 pm? Can you simply make a rule that you go to bed together at a somewhat consistent time?
> 
> ...



Hi boss is a man. I won't dare insist on a curfew cause last thing I want is to be pinned as the wife that puts a curfew on her husband (or de-balling him by controlling him with rules). I'm sure as you can tell this lack of sex if an extension of a whole butt load of problems in our marriage. But I've already been in fights with him because he views me as controlling. So I definitely don't want to push him over the edge by insisting on a curfew. I know that rules like that won't work with this man. 
Like for example, (this was in counseling) his video games was taking away from our quality time together. So he promised the counselor that he would only play when I'm not home or maybe asleep or busy doing my own thing. Later at another session she asked him why he agreed to make that promise and he replied "cause she'll get mad at me if I play video games". I was so utterly hurt because I WANT his answer to be 'because playing video games means less time with the women I love', but I can't get what I want. So I told him I didn't care when or if he plays. Yes this topic was discussed and dissecting in our counseling sessions. But as you can see it was never resolved. At least not on his end. He's clearly choosing appliances over time with me. 

As for his job. He's the head of sales for a local craft brewery. His account is the entire state. So no matter where we go, he sells. No matter which bar, restaurant, or store we go to, it's a business expense because it's an account or potential account. The constant working has always been a complaint of mine. Yes it was discusses and dissected in counseling. But the issue still persists. No he will not loose his job if he doesn't text his boss all night. But I don't know what to say...he doesn't feel the same way. And no I don't know what his bosses wife feels about it. I've never met her. 

And yes I agree! Work, his phone, the video games, everything always take priority over me. He did it again last night. I asked him to join me in bed for a movie. I asked nicely to stop what he's doing on the computer and join me. He says he will, then I set the timer on my phone. Two and a half hours later he gets off the computer and gets ready for bed. 

Whenever we talk about it he always says I'm priority. He works so much for me. He does is all for me. But what he says is different than how he acts. I just don't know what to do. 






PBear said:


> Just curious, but why "closet masturbation"? Are you concerned about letting him know how much this is really affecting you? And as an FYI, watching a woman so horned up that she has to take things into her own hands is a real turn on...
> 
> Unfortunately, some people will refuse to change unless their world is truly shaken up. That may mean drawing a line in the sand, and being willing to stick to it. As in, he gets his butt into his doctor to get checked out physically, or you'll... What are you willing to sacrifice at this point? You may have to make the same push for counseling, if nothing physical comes up. Pun intended...
> 
> ...


Definitely closet masturbation because he gets mad. Something about he should be able to make me happy...I should be happy with him...blah blah blah. It's totally backwards, I know! But he gets mad. So I've just always always always! Kept it from him.
I wouldn't care if he watched. And I've done it before. Wouldn't mind doing it again. Its just a matter of getting him to join me right now....

I know that his drive is likely to go down as mine increases. He's nine years older than me, so that definitely has crossed my mind. But whenever I try to bring that up he takes it personally can gets mad. 

And no to counseling. We've seen FOUR and had NOOOOOOOOOOOO success! 




grizabella said:


> Chronic fatigue is a real problem and there are many reasons for it. It should be treated medically. Your husband needs a good physical work up and a chat with his Doc. I know you want to think that on some level it must be your fault because then you can fix it, but if he has a medical problem you are going to have to be patient. If he won't go to the doctor and doesn't want any help then you have some decisions to make.



He does complain of getting tired. In the past he's blamed it on me cause 'I don't help out with chores around the house'. However he's admitted to the fact that I've stepped up a lot in both financial and household responsibilities to help relieve the burden that he carries. But he still fills his life with things and not me. 

I've asked him to see the doctor but he refuses. Again, he takes it personally. Never thought of it before, but I guess he's got quite the ego! haha


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

He says you are a priority but does not act like it. What was he doing on the computer, work? He is only in his 30's if he does not have a medical condition... I cant imagine being too tired more than once in a blue moon an I am older than your husband and work all the time.


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Heartbrkn said:


> He says you are a priority but does not act like it. What was he doing on the computer, work? He is only in his 30's if he does not have a medical condition... I cant imagine being too tired more than once in a blue moon an I am older than your husband and work all the time.


Usually it's geek stuff. And depends on the day. Yesterday he was converting all the movie files from the Netflix copies he made into a format that can be read on the Xbox. Stupid stuff that I don't care about. Yet it take hours at a time to work on crap like this. It doesn't matter what he's doing. The fact is, it isn't important. And by all means, it's not priority. But he chooses to get fixated on perfecting his movie collection, instead of me. 
It's so insulting


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Have you tried to interrupt what ever he is doing that is not you? do he get aroused if you do that?


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Heartbrkn said:


> Have you tried to interrupt what ever he is doing that is not you? do he get aroused if you do that?


I've been as in the face as getting in between him and the screen bent over naked (mind you I'm flexible) or as sly as texting him a description of how I envision the rest of our night should be while he plays on his iphone. 
Still I'm left waiting...


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## mymooser (Aug 27, 2011)

Pandakiss said:


> omg---that is scary, i think i know exactly what you are talking about...
> 
> my husband is a gamer, and does spend HOURS on the computer doing boring things...
> 
> ...


I may not have the strongest self esteem I ideally should have. But I do know that I could find other fish in the sea who would be so happy to spend time with me. And he knows it. He tells me all the time when a guy is checking me out. He's not unaware of what he has to loose. He just doesn't treat me as something valuable. He says I'm valuable, he says he's lucky to have me, he says he loves me. But he get drowned with other things and I don't know?....forgets?...

I don't need to threat. He knows. 
And quite frankly, its getting to the point where I'd rather get the attention I deserve ELSEWHERE because I can't continue to be treated like this.

That's what scares me the most. The fact that I'd rather look elsewhere, then wait for me man is the scariest **** ever!!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

mymooser said:


> Well to address your points, yes I've begged. Both sarsacticly and not sarcastically. I don't mean for my "begging" to come off as needy. My frequency would ideally be two to three times a week. But we're currently at once a month or every other month.
> No I've never forced him into sex. However he's defiantly "forced" me (but that's a whole other not important topic at the moment). And yes I know what turns him on. He's he likes to be conquered which unfortunately I don't enjoy doing but I'm DOING it because I want the intimatcy. I want the sex. I want him. So I'm doing it. Hence the reason why I'm even being opened to try things we haven't done before.
> 
> But this is all still not working.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Begging is being needy =/

As for him wanting to be conquered what turns him on exactly? For me to be conquered the dynamics are more like "I want her to conquer a conqueror... aka seduced"

If standard seduction procedures do not work; aka, walk around with nothing but a t-shirt (or whatever turns him on)... Tease him and play a bit of hard to get, and give him signs that you are attractive and can get other men to do his job if he's not going to perform. It sounds cruel... but in practice it's actually quite fun and it works and I love it. The missus refuses to play this game with me however, she's TOO loyal, and no challenge.

But if he actually wants to be conquered and not seduced, you may need to try being a bit more forceful and aggressive. Play the amazon woman and throw your man-slave on the bed. But of course, this requires a ton of confidence to pull off successful.

But in either case - NO BEGGING!


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

This seems like a troll thread.


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