# Why we lie about money, and how it hurts our relationships



## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

Lying about money, big or small, is commonplace in relationships. It’s also harmful. Why do we this? Please share your experiences — on either end — and thoughts around this below!

I made a video about this topic. In it, I share a personal experience where I lied about money to my partner. Watch until the end, and you’ll how I resolved it in a way that left us feeling even closer to each other.

https://youtu.be/4zHN08Nlb8g


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

I also put together a free checklist to have healthy money conversations with your significant other every time. You can find it here: http://eepurl.com/gbTPc1

If you’d like to reach out, feel free to DM me or book a complimentary Financial Harmony Consultation here: http://bit.ly/financialharmonyconsultation


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Interesting.

I really appreciate you being open about lying - and your willingness to discuss your thought process. And it's wonderful that you brought it up and worked through it with your girlfriend.

Although I understand why people hide, it's fascinating to learn (mainly from this site) which lies people find more acceptable and which ones they have no tolerance for at all.




Adam Kol said:


> Lying about money, big or small, is commonplace in relationships. It’s also harmful. Why do we this? Please share your experiences — on either end — and thoughts around this below!
> 
> I made a video about this topic. In it, I share a personal experience where I lied about money to my partner. Watch until the end, and you’ll how I resolved it in a way that left us feeling even closer to each other.
> 
> https://youtu.be/4zHN08Nlb8g


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Interesting.
> 
> I really appreciate you being open about lying - and your willingness to discuss your thought process. And it's wonderful that you brought it up and worked through it with your girlfriend.
> 
> Although I understand why people hide, it's fascinating to learn (mainly from this site) which lies people find more acceptable and which ones they have no tolerance for at all.


This is fascinating, isn't it? I cannot imagine that my ex cheating on me could have possibly hurt me more than the systematic neglect, refusal of intimacy, and rejection. And yet neglect, stonewalling, financial infidelity, specific addiction, and even orientation are all to be understood and forgiven and even "helped through."

However, exchange those very hurtful things with "affair," the same same person who gets excused is immediately unredeemable.

Of course, this can sometimes vary depending upon gender


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Spot on! 




personofinterest said:


> This is fascinating, isn't it? I cannot imagine that my ex cheating on me could have possibly hurt me more than the systematic neglect, refusal of intimacy, and rejection. And yet neglect, stonewalling, financial infidelity, specific addiction, and even orientation are all to be understood and forgiven and even "helped through."
> 
> However, exchange those very hurtful things with "affair," the same same person who gets excused is immediately unredeemable.
> 
> Of course, this can sometimes vary depending upon gender


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Financial infidelity.
Hurts.

Maybe not as much as physical infidelity, but it's close (I've experienced both). 

It affects the whole family for years.

A one night stand wouldn't leave your kids af risk of losing their home and without the basic extras for years to come. (Divorce would impact them financially, yes, if you chose that option)

It's not an active topic on here much.
So I'm interested in seeing the responses and how others have dealt with the fall out from it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

In my 1st marriage, while my ex was preparing for it entirely different career, and I was the main breadwinner, I discovered that he had spit tens of thousands of dollars playing games online. I don't mean gambling on line, which would have been badd enough. I mean playing games like dune and other types of games where you use money to buy fake pick axes and things like that! I could not believe he through our money away on make believe!


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm trying to work through this right now. My marriage hasn't been great for a long time. But in April I discovered 10's of thousands in credit card debt my wife built up over the last 20ish years. The last three months have been weekly discovering more and more debt.

Honestly, I think I'd have an easier time accepting a ONS than this. All the money wasted, the size of the pit to dig out of, and all the money wasted digging out. It's possible to put a ONS in the past. But financial issues can carry on month after month for years.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DownButNotOut said:


> I'm trying to work through this right now. My marriage hasn't been great for a long time. But in April I discovered 10's of thousands in credit card debt my wife built up over the last 20ish years. The last three months have been weekly discovering more and more debt.
> 
> Honestly, I think I'd have an easier time accepting a ONS than this. All the money wasted, the size of the pit to dig out of, and all the money wasted digging out. It's possible to put a ONS in the past. But financial issues can carry on month after month for years.


Still trying huh? Man you have some staying power. You got to wonder what she will do next.


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

minimalME said:


> Interesting.
> 
> I really appreciate you being open about lying - and your willingness to discuss your thought process. And it's wonderful that you brought it up and worked through it with your girlfriend.
> 
> Although I understand why people hide, it's fascinating to learn (mainly from this site) which lies people find more acceptable and which ones they have no tolerance for at all.


It's why I'm here -- to share and hopefully support others' growth. Yes, I am glad that we spoke about it, for sure.

Indeed. Humans are funny creatures, eh?


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> This is fascinating, isn't it? I cannot imagine that my ex cheating on me could have possibly hurt me more than the systematic neglect, refusal of intimacy, and rejection. And yet neglect, stonewalling, financial infidelity, specific addiction, and even orientation are all to be understood and forgiven and even "helped through."
> 
> However, exchange those very hurtful things with "affair," the same same person who gets excused is immediately unredeemable.
> 
> Of course, this can sometimes vary depending upon gender


It truly is fascinating how we view different things. Cheating is considered such a cardinal sin, and yet many (most?) long-term relationships have dealt with this in one way or another. Then again, that alone doesn't mean that others should accept it. However, as you mention, those other things also are extremely serious.


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

EveningThoughts said:


> Financial infidelity.
> Hurts.
> 
> Maybe not as much as physical infidelity, but it's close (I've experienced both).
> ...


Yes to so much of this. Financial infidelity has its own impacts, and they can be brutal.


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> In my 1st marriage, while my ex was preparing for it entirely different career, and I was the main breadwinner, I discovered that he had spit tens of thousands of dollars playing games online. I don't mean gambling on line, which would have been badd enough. I mean playing games like dune and other types of games where you use money to buy fake pick axes and things like that! I could not believe he through our money away on make believe!


Whoa.


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

DownButNotOut said:


> I'm trying to work through this right now. My marriage hasn't been great for a long time. But in April I discovered 10's of thousands in credit card debt my wife built up over the last 20ish years. The last three months have been weekly discovering more and more debt.
> 
> Honestly, I think I'd have an easier time accepting a ONS than this. All the money wasted, the size of the pit to dig out of, and all the money wasted digging out. It's possible to put a ONS in the past. But financial issues can carry on month after month for years.


This can be really challenging stuff. It sounds like there's a lot of intimacy to be rebuilt if it's to get back to being a great marriage. Wishing you lots of luck. Let me know if there's any (types of) content you'd like me to share here.


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## Adam Kol (Jul 19, 2019)

laticia1 said:


> A lot of people are lying about money. I even know a person that wanted to look rich, so he took a loan (from https://www.xn--lnemegleren-x8a.no , if i'm not mistaken) and bought an expensive car. He had a lot of problems after that, lol.


It's wild. Lots of people lie about money, at least by omission. When it's with your husband or wife, of course it becomes so much more serious.


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