# A new path to reconcilliation



## 983468

For those of you that read my posts in the going through divorce or separation forums you will know that my wife was dead set on divorce. Well I don't know what happened to change her mind, but we were already in divorce proceedings and she changed her mind. I thought I would post my story here for others to read.

So I had pretty much accepted that I was getting divorced. I never stopped loving my wife, but she was dead set on divorcing me. I was working on moving on etc. I had stopped contacting her except to talk about our daughter. Just before Thanksgiving she started talking to me more. I didn't really engage her much in this. A couple days before Thanksgiving she asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. I agreed to dinner on that Wednesday. She also asked me to come over early so she could talk to me. I also agreed to this. So I went over there and she did most all of the talking. She told me that she had come to realize that her decisions may not have been made with a clear head. (She has some personal issues that I won't discuss here). I just listened for a while and then we went to dinner. We had a great time at dinner, just talking and catching up on things we have been doing. After dinner I brought her home and we were sitting in the car. She told me what a good time she had and I agreed. I let her know that although I had a great time, that I would not do it again since we were getting divorced. We had already had our first appearance and were scheduled for mediation. She said that she understood that and I left.

Never could I have imagined that she would change her mind. If you knew my wife you would know that once she gets her mind set on something, it takes an act of god to change it. Thanksgiving day I had my daughter and we spent the day with my family. She went to her parents. We were texting a little bit that day but not much. 

A Little history. A few weeks back I had given her my wedding ring. I was tired of looking at it and told her she could do what she wanted with it. If she wanted to give our marriage a shot she could give it back to me or she could just sell it or whatever. So the next morning she came over to pick up Abby and was playing with her a bit when she got there. I was making her a cup of coffee in the kitchen and she came in and held out her hand holding onto my wedding ring. I noticed she was wearing hers as well. Being a little shocked I asked "What's that?". She replied that it was her gesture. I was very happy but at the same time scared that maybe this was just temporary as she had been having second thoughts before but they went away.

So moving forward, that following Monday she withdrew the petition for divorce. We had done a child impact course and we both liked one of the teachers so I called him to see if we could start marriage counseling with him. We had our first session last Saturday. It went very well. We both really like him. We have a long road ahead of us, but we are both in a place where we are wanting and willing to do the work. We are still living separate but are doing a lot of things as a family. I am feeling more in love with my wife each day we spend together and she has expressed the same. I have read in a few books, that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to build back up and I think in our case that was very true.

We have counseling again this Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it. I know that this story is not typical but I thought I might share it with everyone to show that there is always hope. One thing I really tried not to lose was hope. 

I will post more as our journey continues. 

Brian

P.s. I would also just like to say thank you to everyone that posted in my other threads. You all helped me immensely through what I would call the worst time of my life.


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## Amplexor

bhmahler said:


> I have read in a few books, that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to build back up and I think in our case that was very true.


Great update bhmahler, thank you. I too believe in many cased the marriage has to bottom out in order to begin to rise again. Many of the techniques in Love Must be Tough can be seen in your recovery. You accepted she was on her way out and began to move on. She may have finally recognized the finality in it all and many times a spouse will recant. Great for you and your family. Please keep us updated. :smthumbup:


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## Feelingalone

BH,

Gald to hear things are progressing for you. But don't stop working on you!!!! Remember what you've learned.


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## 983468

Thanks, I definitely won't. My wife and I have a pattern of breaking up, working on ourselves and then getting back together and we stop working on ourselves and it ends up messing up the relationship. This happened a few times while we were dating. We both really don't want this to happen again and are working very hard to make sure it doesn't. 

Oh also we had our second counseling yesterday. It went really well. Still a lot of history stuff. Talked about me moving back in the house too and he really feels that we aren't ready and I believe him. We are planning on having me stay at the house Christmas eve so that we can get up as a family on Christmas morning. I am really looking forward to that. Also my wife is going to come with me to a weekend conference in Boston after New Years. I am really excited about that because it is something that in the past she never would have done. I think this whole experience is really bringing my wife and I closer than we have ever been. The counselor also told us that he believes that we can get through this and we both feel that way too. Obviously we have a lot of work to do, but in the end it is all worth it.


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## Amplexor

bhmahler said:


> I think this whole experience is really bringing my wife and I closer than we have ever been.


A mended bone is usually stronger than the original. Good luck!


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## swedish

Brian,

I'm so glad to hear things have made a major turn for the better for you! Thanks for sharing this encouraging update.

~Swedish


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## dumped4another

Hey Brian,
I'm currently going through the worst time of my life right now. My W and I are well into the divorce proceedings and it doesn't look good. She's been with someone for a year or so now, but there's a part of me hoping, praying we can work it out. Your story is awesome and I hope it all works out for you and your family. All the best.


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## ytmuse

your journay should be always happy.i pray to god


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## 983468

Thank you all. It is an interesting journey. My wife and I are spending time together and really enjoying each others company. Our counselor is really good. He doesn't think we are ready to live together again and I believe him. (Although I really want to go home  ). It is tough, we have a lot of things to work on, but we are trying. I am really looking forward to Christmas. I will be staying over the house Christmas Eve and that will be really nice. I haven't slept next to my wife in far too long. We are also taking a trip to Boston for the weekend over new years so I am really excited for that. I am seeing the woman I married coming back and I am falling in love with her all over again. I'll keep you all posted as things progress.

B


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## lost1234

my husband is saying he will never change his mind...

mlc, depression, anger, frustration...so sad!

reading a post like your is so uplifting! he has not filed yet...says he will after the first of the year. im praying he doesnt.

yes we all have issues. i am a believer in my vows, for better or worse...you dont just hit the road.

people can change, its never too late...

best of luck to the 3 of you in the New Year!!!


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## ladyintegrity

God bless you and your family. It is really wonderful to hear a family reconciling and working on things. Keep up the good work in cousneling and my prayers go out to you and everyone in need of support. Happy Holidays!


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## Sun

What a wonderful Christmas present for the whole family. I hope 2010 brings much happiness to you and your newly reconnected family. Please take it slow and continue the couples counciling and I believe you will make this work. I believe when you are given a second chance in life it gives you a whole new outlook on what is important and I believe the desire to make it work is greater than ever. People can change and I feel they deserve a second chance to prove that and make things right. So best wishes and good luck.


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## lastinline

Amplexor said:


> A mended bone is usually stronger than the original. Good luck!


True, but with bone fractures and marriage malunion is typically not an issue if you can approximate the pieces. Putting the "pieces" back together so they can heal; that's the trick. 

LIL


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## PreludeCkN

I am going though this right now. My H asked for a separation 5 weeks ago and I feel like I wont make it. The times that I have talked to him he also tells me that he will not change his mind because there is just too much damage. I was beginning to lose hope or I am beginning to lose hope when I found on our phone bill phone calls to another woman. I dont know if this is an affair or EA or perhaps she is just being there for him. I will not confront him because this is the reason why he left me in the first place because I am jealous and controlling. And I am trying to change. Reading this post sparked a glimpse of hope again. I dont want to lose my H. I have told him that I will take him back no matter what, no questions asked. 

When I asked him if he wanted a divorce he said, "i think I do" but I told him not to, until he knew for sure that this is what he truly wanted. I am scared that he is just delaying the process until I am okay or I accept this situation. 

How have things been for you lately?



lost1234 said:


> my husband is saying he will never change his mind...
> 
> mlc, depression, anger, frustration...so sad!
> 
> reading a post like your is so uplifting! he has not filed yet...says he will after the first of the year. im praying he doesnt.
> 
> yes we all have issues. i am a believer in my vows, for better or worse...you dont just hit the road.
> 
> people can change, its never too late...
> 
> best of luck to the 3 of you in the New Year!!!


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## pacmouse

OP, I read your story with tears in my eyes. I really hope my H does what your wife did. I still love my H and I do not want a divorce, but he is really pushing in that direction and has lost hope in our marriage. I pray everyday for him to come to his senses. 

How is it going now?


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## flowergirl77

Nice to hear your story has ended well-hopefully it has continued on the path you were headed when you originally posted.

I was thinking the other day-it is very hard to find stories where people got the point where one was 99% certain it was over-but somehow things turned round. All the people I know, and all the stories I have read/heard, seem to lead to divorce in the end.

I am the one who is leaning toward divorce-but am stuck in this hell of not being able to make the decision to leave, but can't fully immerse myself into the marriage again either. This has been almost 4 months of this, and my feeling stays the same that I feel we are over. My HB is doing everything under the sun to 'win' me back, and change what has needed changing in him.

I can't do this forever and know the day will come I need to decide.


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## marksaysay

bhmahler said:


> For those of you that read my posts in the going through divorce or separation forums you will know that my wife was dead set on divorce. Well I don't know what happened to change her mind, but we were already in divorce proceedings and she changed her mind. I thought I would post my story here for others to read.
> 
> So I had pretty much accepted that I was getting divorced. I never stopped loving my wife, but she was dead set on divorcing me. I was working on moving on etc. I had stopped contacting her except to talk about our daughter. Just before Thanksgiving she started talking to me more. I didn't really engage her much in this. A couple days before Thanksgiving she asked me if I wanted to grab dinner. I agreed to dinner on that Wednesday. She also asked me to come over early so she could talk to me. I also agreed to this. So I went over there and she did most all of the talking. She told me that she had come to realize that her decisions may not have been made with a clear head. (She has some personal issues that I won't discuss here). I just listened for a while and then we went to dinner. We had a great time at dinner, just talking and catching up on things we have been doing. After dinner I brought her home and we were sitting in the car. She told me what a good time she had and I agreed. I let her know that although I had a great time, that I would not do it again since we were getting divorced. We had already had our first appearance and were scheduled for mediation. She said that she understood that and I left.
> 
> Never could I have imagined that she would change her mind. If you knew my wife you would know that once she gets her mind set on something, it takes an act of god to change it. Thanksgiving day I had my daughter and we spent the day with my family. She went to her parents. We were texting a little bit that day but not much.
> 
> A Little history. A few weeks back I had given her my wedding ring. I was tired of looking at it and told her she could do what she wanted with it. If she wanted to give our marriage a shot she could give it back to me or she could just sell it or whatever. So the next morning she came over to pick up Abby and was playing with her a bit when she got there. I was making her a cup of coffee in the kitchen and she came in and held out her hand holding onto my wedding ring. I noticed she was wearing hers as well. Being a little shocked I asked "What's that?". She replied that it was her gesture. I was very happy but at the same time scared that maybe this was just temporary as she had been having second thoughts before but they went away.
> 
> So moving forward, that following Monday she withdrew the petition for divorce. We had done a child impact course and we both liked one of the teachers so I called him to see if we could start marriage counseling with him. We had our first session last Saturday. It went very well. We both really like him. We have a long road ahead of us, but we are both in a place where we are wanting and willing to do the work. We are still living separate but are doing a lot of things as a family. I am feeling more in love with my wife each day we spend together and she has expressed the same. I have read in a few books, that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to build back up and I think in our case that was very true.
> 
> We have counseling again this Wednesday and I am really looking forward to it. I know that this story is not typical but I thought I might share it with everyone to show that there is always hope. One thing I really tried not to lose was hope.
> 
> I will post more as our journey continues.
> 
> Brian
> 
> P.s. I would also just like to say thank you to everyone that posted in my other threads. You all helped me immensely through what I would call the worst time of my life.


It's so uplifting to hear a story like this. My wife to has filed and I'm hoping we could have a happy ending like this, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KRinOnt

Finally something to hang my hat on. I've been hoping for somethinglike this to happen to us. Not so far, but there's lways hope. Thank-you for sharing this.


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## Shelly29

We all want to be in your shoes.... and hope our other half changes their mind.... I pray....I really do pray!


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## geo

An interesting story, funny how a lot of men think similarly, I too was planning on giving my ring back also. Anyway it was nice to see a reconciliation hope it continues to go well.


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## copperfiend

To the OP, thank you for posting this. I am one of many on here going through a similar situation.


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## remmons

> I have read in a few books, that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to build back up and I think in our case that was very true
> 
> One thing I really tried not to lose was hope.


Brian. Your story gave me strength and hope for my marriage. I realize that I was trying too hard to communicate with my wife, but all I was doing was driving a wedge deeper between us. Your story gave me the strength to back off and to let her have some time to think without my constant presence. I (think that I) was not hounding her, but maybe my once a day or every other day visit was still too much for her. We haven't gotten to the divorce discussion...yet, but I have the feeling that if I did not back off, then this will be her other option.

Thank you for your post. This is good to read if anyone wishes to save their marriage, and most of all, to _*never lose hope!*_


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## troy

Happy for you. My wife also refuses to change her mind once its made. We are still living together but as roomates. I am still hoping she will change her mind soon before its really too late.


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## Rico

My wife is like yours in the aspect that once she has got her mind made up, THAT'S IT! Well we are going through separation and I am trying my damnedest to get her back but she doesn't want to have any of it. Does anyone have suggestions as to any approach i should take. I've already poured my heart out and apologized and told her that I love her still. But she doesn't see how we can ever get back together. She hates it when I say I love you.


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## remmons

Rico said:


> My wife is like yours in the aspect that once she has got her mind made up, THAT'S IT! Well we are going through separation and I am trying my damnedest to get her back but she doesn't want to have any of it. Does anyone have suggestions as to any approach i should take. I've already poured my heart out and apologized and told her that I love her still. But she doesn't see how we can ever get back together. She hates it when I say I love you.


I am going through this as we speak. I don't know tha tthis will help you any or not, but here is what I am currently going through.

I have found, that the harder I tried, the more she resisted. Not good. I have made changes, I have went to counseling, I have went to addiction meetings, and all of this still was not enough. She had told me that she needed her time and her space, so after some time, I gave it to her. Little did I realize that I also needed my time and my space, this was so that I can refocus my energies and get my life back on track. My friends, my Church, and her family, all have told me to just leave her be for the time being and to continue down the path of making changes and improvements on myself. Since this decision, I have been soaring like the wind, while she has remained stuck in her rut.

My in-laws all support me, they have been wonderful to talk to when it came to times where I was feeling down on myself and my heart was sunken. Since they all knew their daughter (sister, niece etc.) they knew that she was not going anywhere fast. Their advice to me was this, to continue doing what I am doing, and in due time, she will see my progress and my improvements. She was afraid that my "change" was only going to be temporary, so that is where she had settled at. Her family had told me that in due time, she will "see" that my intentions are true, that my change, I was in it for the long haul, and that eventually she may come around again. If she doesn't, then it was best for me to move on. Her family have told me that irregardless of the outcome, her family will always be my family.

Hopefully this helps out some. Good luck!


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