# We are just too different



## lindy234

My husband & I have been together for seven years now. He is a great father & a husband (he takes care of the kids, run my bath etc) Our main challenge is DRIVE and INITIATIVE. He waits for things to come to him..he is currently unemployed and I am. I make it my business to make sure we have money (work). I am a dreamer, I want to achieve- put kids through school. I am the type that goes to gym- want a certain standard in our lives/ home. While my husband is just ok with everything. He is not much of a talker-that gets to me as well. I don't get much from him when an issue is raised-he just listens and say "I hear u" At the end of the day, I am lecturing him.I am frustrated because I feel alone, I don't know what he thinks- we just seem to come back to "this" place all the time. I have to plan, provide and execute..I feel this is too much. I don't want to divorce him- we have just re-united after a two year separation. The main reason for the separation was this.It feels as if I am a go-getter and he is ok with an "average" life. This is where our conflict is. I don't know what to do. I want to grow with him- how long must I wait? At the same time, I want to realize my dreams, study, travel etc. Is it fair on me? Is there a mid-point to this? This is impacting our intimacy as well now..am I crazy? Someone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Why did you get back together if there were no changes?

I don`t think you should "wait" for anything because it`s unlikely to change.

Many people are perfectly happy with an "average" life and changing them or pressuring them will make them unhappy.

This might be one of those things you just have to learn to live with by deciding that the qualities you do love about him are more than enough to make up for it.

All successful relationships have to do this to one degree or another.

There`s no reason you can`t live out your dreams.

Is it something you can live with?


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## Riverside MFT

tacoma said:


> This might be one of those things you just have to learn to live with by deciding that the qualities you do love about him are more than enough to make up for it.
> 
> All successful relationships have to do this to one degree or another.


:iagree:

I don't think this situation necessarily warrants divorce. I think counseling could be very helpful, but not divorce. You say your husband has always had a lack of drive, maybe it is more that he is satisfied with the way things are. Maybe he "does not like to fix something unless it is broken."


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## Frosty

Maybe he thinks you are too ambitious? I don't want to work anymore than I already do and have no ambitions really. Does that make me a loser? I value every minute I have on this rock. (my dad was a workaholic, worked late every night. He always felt like a stranger in my home. I swore I would never be like him).


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## lindy234

Thank u for your responses. You have made me realize that I should rather be grateful for what he is. For one, I don't have to worry about infidelity, he is definitely not stopping me from my dreams& achieving .You are right, I have to learn to live with what he is than change him. To add,when he is working, he doesn't need pushing-he works. I therefore need to complement him just like he complements me. I have to accept that I am gifted to take on this role of a thinker/planner. It's not like he refuses to do what he has to when required. It's time I learned to be patient and really accept that people are not the same. Thank you to all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frosty

Lindy,

I know it is so hard to do. I have been down on my wife for not being what I want and overlooking what I have. I have crushed her spirit. I am still getting over it but I am getting over it. I have been quite selfish. We have to decide what are dealbreakers and what are not--if something is a dealbreaker and not likely to change you have to face facts and break it off. Otherwise, we have to let go of the things we find are missing.

Remember: positive reinforcement for the good stuff will get you more good stuff (and an increasingly happier relationship).


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## Frosty

Lindy,

You sound like you have a great heart in that you are willing to see things from a different perspective!


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## FirstYearDown

Lindy, you are very insightful. 

My husband is the quiet, easy to please type. I admit it has been a bone of contention in our marriage, but only because it took time for me to remember that I married my husband knowing his personality type. That is why we shacked up while we were engaged, to get to know each other before marriage.

So I take over things that are important to me and accept whatever opinions he has. 

For example, we desperately needed bedroom furniture, especially a larger bed. My husband made no effort to change the situation, so I took charge by researching different sets and mattresses. I politely told my husband that I felt new furniture was needed and asked him to choose from several mattress sets and bedroom ensembles. I wanted Hubby to be aware that while I took matters into my own hands, I wasn't going to leave him out. I saved up for the bedroom furniture and asked my husband to get the new mattress set he liked, as well as buy new bedding.

Now we have enough room in bed at night and a place to put my clothes. He's happy and I am not seething with resentment over my husband's lack of initiative. It's about working with him, not against him. I tried to wait and see if my husband would buy furniture and I waited more than two years! :rofl:

Hubby will always be quiet, yet he became more conversational after I stopped pouting about his lack of social skills. I no longer expect my husband to be a social butterfly; I just lovingly told him that I love his deep sexy voice. :smthumbup: Worked like a charm.


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## MEM2020

RS,
It is one thing to be pro marriage which you clearly are. It is something else entirely to promote "unhappy stability". He is unemployed and you support a "if it isn't broken don't fix it" mindset. 




Riverside MFT said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I don't think this situation necessarily warrants divorce. I think counseling could be very helpful, but not divorce. You say your husband has always had a lack of drive, maybe it is more that he is satisfied with the way things are. Maybe he "does not like to fix something unless it is broken."


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## FirstYearDown

Perhaps the husband is having a hard time finding work? :scratchhead: 

The recession hit us hard a few years ago. My husband is working again, but it took him a long time to find employment, through no fault of his own.


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## ThirdTimeACharm

As we all or should already know, a man's self worth is tied to his job, his career, his ability to provide. If he is on the ropes, he feels like [email protected], and he does not like himself nor feels "worthy" of a wonderful wife, and home. This is just the way most of us dudes are wired. If he lacks being pro-active, then he is paralyzed, and I agree with another poster, in that asking the OP to be happy with false-peace, and false stability is living a lie. I think this husband needs to get some testosteron shoots and man up, and get out there and beat the bushes for a good job. He needs to drive the income in, he needs to be that man, provider, leadership (without lordship), and if ever a woman has the feelings of the OP, then chances are great that her man is in fact a loser. The good news is that it does not have to be permament...he can be a winner if only he gets proactive....some one pack a firecraker in his behind already!!


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