# Boy was I rejected tonight!!



## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Brief explanation of our marriage - I'm 27f, been married to hubby for 3 years now - throughout our marriage we've probably had .. 10? Exciting sex sessions. I've tried to be patient as we had an amazing sex life before marriage. Lately its been very bland. And it's cause resentment on my side. I feel like I'm the one with the HD and him LD. Then when I remember our hot sex life before marriage, and how he was the HD, I think he might not be attracted to me anymore. I then thought maybe he wants me to come on to him. Initiate things. We have been under lots of pressure and stress lately but that's no mean for sex to be once every 1-2 mths. If I could have it my way I'd have it everyday and numerous times a day too. But .. I always waited for him to make the first move. Because of my frustration I figured I at least owe him the benefit of the doubt and will try to initiate. 
So here goes, I showered tonight, as I do every night before bed, shaved, lotioned up, got into something sexy and went into our bedroom where he'd already been in bed, on his phone, like every night. I went over to him, asked him if I can borrow his phone for a bit, he handed it to me, I put it aside and told him to let it go for a while as I want to have fun with him. I started with a massage, full body, undressed him completely, (only boxers on) got on top of him and massaged him for nearly an hr. I then started to take off his boxers. He pulled them back on, said he was tired. I felt like I was slapped so effing hard. I couldn't believed he rejected me flat out. No reason. Everything was fine beforehand. It really really hurt me. He then went on to say "pls dont be mad, I just wanna relax in bed tonight, no pressure, no stress" I said and that's why I'm coming on to u, cause I want to relieve you of your stress and have fun for a bit. He said no thnx and rolled over. I'm so so hurt by this. It took all the guts in the world to come off as a bad girl for him and try to turn him on. I had butterflies in my stomach. And he so easily rejected me. I'm so hurt and can't help but think that he really is no longer attracted to me... Im just lying in bed (as he sleeps) with tears in my eyes ... What now?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Don't give up... You got hurt once like this but this is a nightly occurrence to many men here that haven't given up...

Sounds like it's time for the 180... Wake his butt up maybe? What's he stressed about?

Why do you never initiate? A sexual relationship should have efforts made toward it equally by both partners...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Are there ANY signs of an affair?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You think that's bad...try going 10 months without... reach over to your spouse touching their arm and get "You've got to be kidding!"

Um no I wasn't kidding.

We are working on that now together. I won't give up.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Is it possible he took care of himself while you were in the shower and was too embarrased to tell you?

Does he masterbate and look at porn?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I wish that my wife would do stuff like that for me except that the massage wouldn't last 10 minutes before I attacked her sexually. She's been great lately but initiating is still all on me. 

Maybe your H did rub one out while you were in the shower. Don't assume it's an affair. Tough night; I hope you took matters into you own hands while he was sleeping.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

I agree with Topher and 40.

This happened to me once.

I had an on-and-off girlfriend when I was a young man and one night she just showed up at my apartment wanting sex. This would have been really good, except that I had just finished masturbating about a half-hour before she showed-up.

We were both young and she wouldn't have understood about my having masterbated. I didn't say anything. I just refused to have sex with her. She felt rejected. It really hurt her.

Keep in mind that this idea was built-up in your mind to have great meaning. This came out of the blue for him. So this hurt you more than he might understand.

Try this again but do this instead:

On Monday, tell him what you and he are going to do this coming Friday night together. Talk about it all week. If he knows about it, he'll put a hold on the masterbation so he'll be all charged up for you.

I highly recommend that you pick a date three or more days in advance and tell him that you'll both be making love. Let the foreplay last the whole week. 

For a guy that only does it once every month or two, I'm sure you can get the frequency up to once-per-week if you pick a date a few days in advance and build it up all week with flirting. If you can get the frequency up to one-per-week, then he and you will have momentum and the frequency may increase to twice per week on its own without and special effort. Beyond twice per week in my opinion starts requiring effort in terms of scheduling when you both have other things going on in your life. Once-per-week, if it is quality sex, is enough to keep that loving bond strong, in my opinion.

I bet he's jerking off daily. If he knows there's going to be a big sex session, he'll take a couple of days off to store-up some stamina for when he's with you.

Also, I know he hurt you yesterday, but remember it came out-of-the-blue for him. The way he worded the rejection to you was in a pretty loving way. I don't think he's up to anything wrong.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't get this refusing sex because you masturbated!

Masturbating does not replace sex. Not even close. In fact I get very little from masturbating. Have a hard time getting an erection to masturbate and rarely do it.

I am 48 years old. If I masturbated and then my wife came on to me, I would have no problem. I would be so busy making my wife feel good, I would forget that I masturbated. Give me 15 or 20 minutes and I will be hard and ready to go.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My goodness.
Just reading the preparation was titillating!
shower,shave , lotion [ sounds like my wife at bedtime ] and still rejected?:scratchhead:

Seriously though,
I think he's probably into a lot of porn and masturbation on the side.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i think porn and masturbation also.or an affair but i hate to throw that word around just bc he rejected you
are there any signs that maybe his testosterone is low??


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't get this refusing sex because you masturbated!
> 
> Masturbating does not replace sex. Not even close. In fact I get very little from masturbating. Have a hard time getting an erection to masturbate and rarely do it.
> 
> I am 48 years old. If I masturbated and then my wife came on to me, I would have no problem. I would be so busy making my wife feel good, I would forget that I masturbated. Give me 15 or 20 minutes and I will be hard and ready to go.


Good for you, but I think you're the exception. 

I'm curious if he is reacting to previous rejections, is frustrated that he has to masturbate to get relief and that night he did, and she comes on to him and he feels a slap himself.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Can't believe I am saing this, but - do you think he could have just been tired? A massage for an hour - that would put me to sleep - I would enjoy it, but it would relax me so much....I fell alseep on hubbys chest the other night - he said I was snoring. I showered and was ready to get my freak on, but had little sleep the night before and he pulled me in and that was it. We made up for it last night though in betwee NCIS and SOA and then when we went to bed...just start earlier, and get sexy and freaky someplace other than the bedroom if you can.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

I appreciate all the replies. Woke up today in a bad mood, obviously, as I'd been rejected by him last night and it really hurt. He's been trying to make up for it all morning (non sexually) and quite frankly I don't think I want anything sexual between us right now as I am still feeling a little sting from last night's rejection. 
To those that inquired that it might have something to do with low testosterone, I really do doubt that's the issue. Like I mentioned - our sex life before marriage was on fire. We couldn't keep out hands off one another. And we were going at it 2-3 times a day, daily. We were together for three years before marriage, never saw any sign of ED or low testosterone. In fact there were times I'd beg for a chance to take a break as he was going at it any chance he could. It was lots of fun. 
Even after marriage, we've gone thru several wild and crazy phases that were toe curling, mind blowing. Last year he went thru it, just out of the blue, and we'd go at it everyday 2-3 times a day, each session lasting more than an hr. toys, candles, whips, lotions, oils, blindfolds etc. I miss those days :/ 
I don't know if it's a loss of attraction, I don't know if it's resent, or maybe he is being truthful when he said he's tired an stressed out. He's jobless and has been trying to get back into the job market for a few months now and that has taken a toll on him. However, I don't pressure him into rushing back and earning the dough, I don't say hurtful things towards him because he's not working, in fact I try to help him out in any way possible (job searching, phone calls etc) and when all doors seem to close I reassure him and try to make him feel better about hisself. 
I've never denied him sex. Ever. No matter how exhausted I am. I let him do it in any way and every way that he pleases. Let him finish where he wants. And when we are at a good point in our sex lives we are quite adventurous. But lately (6 mths) it's very dry and boring, so I figured I'd take matters into my own hands, get him really worked up, and go at it like there's no tomorrow, big disappointment. 
And I do initiate just not take on the entire lead like I was going to last night. I initiate with a kiss, a rub, a tease, see how he reacts, if the kiss becomes passionate, hot, I go on. Sometimes the kiss gets hot and heavy and I start getting turned on, and could swear he would be hard as a rock by now, but then he'll withdraw, end the entire thing with a peck on the cheek, and that's that. 
@ the possibility of taking care of hisself, or porn, we are open about that, I don't doubt that there are times he rather take care of hisself then get into a sweaty mess, but I know for a fact he didn't do so last night. 
As for other parts of our relationship- aside from sex, he's extremely affectionate, very caring and loving, and I see no signs of an affair, everything is exposed between us, but I'm just getting lonely. It hurts to shower and put effort into looking good and sleep untouched. I take care of myself when I have to, but it's just not the same as feeling wanted. It gets lonely. And I honestly rather be single.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I appreciate all the replies. Woke up today in a bad mood, obviously, as I'd been rejected by him last night and it really hurt. He's been trying to make up for it all morning (non sexually) and quite frankly I don't think I want anything sexual between us right now as I am still feeling a little sting from last night's rejection.
> To those that inquired that it might have something to do with low testosterone, I really do doubt that's the issue. Like I mentioned - our sex life before marriage was on fire. We couldn't keep out hands off one another. And we were going at it 2-3 times a day, daily. We were together for three years before marriage, never saw any sign of ED or low testosterone. In fact there were times I'd beg for a chance to take a break as he was going at it any chance he could. It was lots of fun.
> Even after marriage, we've gone thru several wild and crazy phases that were toe curling, mind blowing. Last year he went thru it, just out of the blue, and we'd go at it everyday 2-3 times a day, each session lasting more than an hr. toys, candles, whips, lotions, oils, blindfolds etc. I miss those days :/
> I don't know if it's a loss of attraction, I don't know if it's resent, or maybe he is being truthful when he said he's tired an stressed out. He's jobless and has been trying to get back into the job market for a few months now and that has taken a toll on him. However, I don't pressure him into rushing back and earning the dough, I don't say hurtful things towards him because he's not working, in fact I try to help him out in any way possible (job searching, phone calls etc) and when all doors seem to close I reassure him and try to make him feel better about hisself.
> ...


Makes you think though, some men get this night after night, after night - for years 
Where does the confidence come from to keep trying.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Massages can make some guys sleepy. Makes me kinda sleepy. 

Was he in the military out of curiosity? Could it be a psychological issue? 
Are his test levels ok? 
Is he watching obsessive amounts of porn?
As for his phone...I mean, are there any other signs of him cheating?
Because, well, he had his phone. He did give it to you, so it isn't as likely, but still...


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> He's jobless and has been trying to get back into the job market for a few months now and that has taken a toll on him. However, I don't pressure him into rushing back and earning the dough, I don't say hurtful things towards him because he's not working, in fact I try to help him out in any way possible (job searching, phone calls etc) and when all doors seem to close I reassure him and try to make him feel better about hisself.


This may be the source of the problem. Men in his situation will often feel like a complete failure and that alone can play hell on the libido. I must add it sounds like you are very supportive, but he may still feel like he's failed. Are you seeing any other signs of depression? Has he lost interest in other things he used to like? Changes in sleep pattern or appetite?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I smell something fishy.

porn addiction,lover on the side, or health problem.


you don't go from 2-3 times a day to rejecting a beautiful woman who puts that kind of effort into arousing you.

somethings up.

I would start a conversation with him and get this figured out the longer you wait the harder it will be to rectify


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I am willing to bet it is the job loss. That will take a toll on a guy, knowing he is no longer providing for his family. 

Also, I feel like if he was cheating, he would've been 10x more protective of his phone. You said he just gave it to you? If he didn't want you to see it, he would've said no, or asked why. 
But he didn't. So I doubt it is cheating.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Probably being out of work has made him depressed, and that can kill anyone's, especially a man's sex drive. Even if you are considerate of that it's very likely he's just feeling very down about not being able to find a job.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

@ Juicer- I'm 100% certain he's not cheating. Everything is exposed between us. All accts, our phones, everything. I know he's been through a lot lately, with looking for a job. But damn, I never thought I'd go as far as I did to seduce him and be rejected. It was more of a shocker. Otherwise, he's very sweet, very affectionate and very caring. But in the sex department - its dead.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Massages can make some guys sleepy. Makes me kinda sleepy.
> 
> Was he in the military out of curiosity? Could it be a psychological issue?
> Are his test levels ok?
> ...


He did fall asleep as soon as I let him go. He offered for me to sleep in his arms but I was too hurt. Told him to go ahead and sleep and that I'm ok. He was snoring in less than a minute.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Massages can make some guys sleepy. Makes me kinda sleepy.
> 
> Was he in the military out of curiosity? Could it be a psychological issue?
> Are his test levels ok?
> ...


No military, no health issues. Obsessive porn - used to be, don't know if he still is. He doesn't get much of alone time at home, so if he does look at anything might be while I'm asleep at nights. :/


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Have you suggested counseling?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

missmolly said:


> Makes you think though, some men get this night after night, after night - for years
> Where does the confidence come from to keep trying.


 Sucks! I feel for those men! Honestly, it's a blow in the gut. And I have big ego issues so I cannot possibly imagine what it does to a mans ego.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

smilinatu said:


> This may be the source of the problem. Men in his situation will often feel like a complete failure and that alone can play hell on the libido. I must add it sounds like you are very supportive, but he may still feel like he's failed. Are you seeing any other signs of depression? Has he lost interest in other things he used to like? Changes in sleep pattern or appetite?


Yes, his weight fluctuates back and forth. His sleep, not so good. Cpl hrs a night. Even when he does say he's tired and needs sleep, he'll knock out for only a few hrs and back up again. I'd think he's refreshed and energetic and could go for some love making, but nope. No moves.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Probably being out of work has made him depressed, and that can kill anyone's, especially a man's sex drive. Even if you are considerate of that it's very likely he's just feeling very down about not being able to find a job.


I completely understand that. But I'd also think that as a man he would get in the mood somewhere along the line - nope, nothing. And we've discussed it. A while back we had very dry sex, afterwards he asked me why I'd been so dry, if I'd no longer been attracted to him...and I cupped his face, kissed him, told him I never want him to think that I'd lose attraction towards him, that he's sexy as hell in my eyes but that our sex life has been boring and doesn't excite me anymore. He said he knew and understood. Apologized. Promised things would get better, so when he rejected I was like OUCH ...


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> Have you suggested counseling?


No, I haven't. He's so set on finding a job, then fixing everything after he's employed (his words) so I know if I suggested it he wouldn't even think of going until he's working.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Only sleeps a few hours a night, then he's up....used to be obsessive about porn....

I'm guessing when he's up, he's stressed, and it's easier to whack off to porn than having to "perform"....so he does it quickly while you're sleeping. He's been heavily into it before, so it's familiar. Likely he's pretty depressed about looking for work for so long...and when you're depressed it's hard to get motivated about anything. I doubt it's personal....more than likely he's just very down and a quick release is just easier, esp if he knows he hasn't been up to snuff with you. But it's not fair on you. So I'd gently get him to talk about it.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

1. You told him your love life has been dry and boring.

2. You said you would almost rather be single.

Thoughts - maybe you are giving him the vibe that you are not that into him any more without knowing it. Tha coupled with his job loss....

Maybe you really hurt his feelings when you told him sex was dry and boring and now he is uninterested in even tring anymore.

I would say it is a red flag that you might even consider being single rather than staying married to this man you say you are attracted to, is a great man and someone you love, minus the lack of sex lately. Work with him, tell him how you are feeling and how you were hurt the other night and asked if that was his intent or if there is something else. Sounds like he is depressed.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> 1. You told him your love life has been dry and boring.
> 
> 2. You said you would almost rather be single.
> 
> ...


Yes, I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that makes me feel unwanted and lonely. It hurts. Wouldn't we all prefer that? Atleast when I'm single, I have a valid reason for taking care of myself, whereas when I do take care of myself now, it only makes me feel lonelier afterwards. Besides, I didn't tell it to his face that I'd rather be single. And I haven't been anything less than supportive in everything he does. I'm this mans right arm. I'm not bragging but this man couldn't survive without my love and support. He's said so hisself and I've seen it firsthand.
And when I explained that our sex life was boring I did it in a caring, comforting way. And I only did it because he asked if I had lost attraction towards him. I never just bring up our sex life randomly and show him how much it hurts me that he's not having sex with me. Because i do understand that he's stressed. But when he addressed my dryness I explained why. I'm not going to lie to him.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> Only sleeps a few hours a night, then he's up....used to be obsessive about porn....
> 
> I'm guessing when he's up, he's stressed, and it's easier to whack off to porn than having to "perform"....so he does it quickly while you're sleeping. He's been heavily into it before, so it's familiar. Likely he's pretty depressed about looking for work for so long...and when you're depressed it's hard to get motivated about anything. I doubt it's personal....more than likely he's just very down and a quick release is just easier, esp if he knows he hasn't been up to snuff with you. But it's not fair on you. So I'd gently get him to talk about it.


I agree :/ I do think he takes care of hisself while I'm asleep sometimes, but last night wasn't one of those nights.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

As long as you didn't put it that bluntly - that just seemed harsh - honest, but too harsh to someone you love.

It sounds like he is depressed. I get that you need affection too...it IS VERY IMPORTANT. However, if you love this man, consider counseling or something soon. Did his lack of interest start when he lost his job, or was it before? It is not normal for a man not to have an interest in sex, so you just need to figure out what it is. Ask first - tell him that it is becoming an issue for you...that you need more than he is giviing you but you need it from him and want to know what you can do to help. Tell him to be brutally honest - maybe you will get your answer without having to g to counseling. 

Still - your comment thatyou would rather be single -seems like you might have already put some thought into it....help him figure it out first. You both deserve to know. It might be an easy fix.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A massage doesn't turn me on it puts me in a relaxed sleepy mood so I personally don't think that was a good idea.

An EROTIC massage however, different story, should have stuck with that to begin with in my opinion. Requires a bit of roleplay and alot of teasing however to get the required effect.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Yes, his weight fluctuates back and forth. His sleep, not so good. Cpl hrs a night. Even when he does say he's tired and needs sleep, he'll knock out for only a few hrs and back up again. I'd think he's refreshed and energetic and could go for some love making, but nope. No moves.


As several have said here, he sounds depressed. He has a number of symptoms that are consistent with a reactive depression. He should see a therapist for this issue individually. Many people react very well to the current anti-depressants, and there is no need for him, and you, to suffer without trying them. 

It sounds like you think he will resist therapy. You must separate this issue of depression from the sexual issues to increase the chance that he will accept seeing a therapist. Don't compound his problem by letting him think that he is failing you as a lover, too. 

Try finding an article on the web that outlines some of the causes and symptoms of depression. You will certainly find articles associating loss of a job followed by long unemployment with depression. It is very common. I bet you will also recognize that he has a significant number of other symptoms of depression, too. Tell him "your" theory that he might be suffering from depression and show him the article(s) you found. Get this man to a doctor for what may be depression and you may find that this solves the libido issue, too.

Best of luck.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Yes, I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that makes me feel unwanted and lonely. It hurts. Wouldn't we all prefer that? Atleast when I'm single, I have a valid reason for taking care of myself, whereas when I do take care of myself now, it only makes me feel lonelier afterwards. Besides, I didn't tell it to his face that I'd rather be single. *And I haven't been anything less than supportive in everything he does. I'm this mans right arm. I'm not bragging but this man couldn't survive without my love and support. He's said so hisself and I've seen it firsthand.*
> And when I explained that our sex life was boring I did it in a caring, comforting way. And I only did it because he asked if I had lost attraction towards him. I never just bring up our sex life randomly and show him how much it hurts me that he's not having sex with me. Because i do understand that he's stressed. But when he addressed my dryness I explained why. I'm not going to lie to him.


There is something right here you need to look at.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> Brief explanation of our marriage - I'm 27f, been married to hubby for 3 years now - throughout our marriage we've probably had .. 10? Exciting sex sessions. I've tried to be patient as we had an amazing sex life before marriage. Lately its been very bland. And it's cause resentment on my side. I feel like I'm the one with the HD and him LD. Then when I remember our hot sex life before marriage, and how he was the HD, I think he might not be attracted to me anymore. I then thought maybe he wants me to come on to him. Initiate things. We have been under lots of pressure and stress lately but that's no mean for sex to be once every 1-2 mths. If I could have it my way I'd have it everyday and numerous times a day too. But .. I always waited for him to make the first move. Because of my frustration I figured I at least owe him the benefit of the doubt and will try to initiate.
> So here goes, I showered tonight, as I do every night before bed, shaved, lotioned up, got into something sexy and went into our bedroom where he'd already been in bed, on his phone, like every night. I went over to him, asked him if I can borrow his phone for a bit, he handed it to me, I put it aside and told him to let it go for a while as I want to have fun with him. I started with a massage, full body, undressed him completely, (only boxers on) got on top of him and massaged him for nearly an hr. I then started to take off his boxers. He pulled them back on, said he was tired. I felt like I was slapped so effing hard. I couldn't believed he rejected me flat out. No reason. Everything was fine beforehand. It really really hurt me. He then went on to say "pls dont be mad, I just wanna relax in bed tonight, no pressure, no stress" I said and that's why I'm coming on to u, cause I want to relieve you of your stress and have fun for a bit. He said no thnx and rolled over. I'm so so hurt by this. It took all the guts in the world to come off as a bad girl for him and try to turn him on. I had butterflies in my stomach. And he so easily rejected me. I'm so hurt and can't help but think that he really is no longer attracted to me... Im just lying in bed (as he sleeps) with tears in my eyes ... What now?


Fun, aint it? It's really fun after getting this treatment 99.9% of the time for 10-11 years.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm not one to tell you to give up. Its at your discretion, just follow your heart and not your thoughts, negative thoughts atleast. Trust I do know the feeling and I experienced it last night and this morning! I didn't get the "you gotta be kidding me" phrase. Lol when I read that I really did laugh pretty hard. I got the " is your penis hard" phrase in the are you serious tone. The sad part is this the only place I can talk about it! If I bring it up to my wife not only will she thinking I'm complaining (we did have sex a few days ago) or I'm just looking for something new to b*#$+ about. I can't show weakness but its hard when you know the source of the problem. So I said hey, it was kind of late and maybe she was tired so I tried this morning. She says you ready to get up now? I'm thinking hell yes! I want to start my day off with some morning drilling! Oh no.... We had more important things to do. I just get frustrated thinking about it. Makes you wonder two things. Would she be like this with someone in her past or someone new? Would some new treat me the same way.....? Nobody knows. I just get tired of playing the game of I want sex but I can't let you know I want it badly or in general for you to want to be more sexual with me. I don't operate that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> As long as you didn't put it that bluntly - that just seemed harsh - honest, but too harsh to someone you love.
> 
> It sounds like he is depressed. I get that you need affection too...it IS VERY IMPORTANT. However, if you love this man, consider counseling or something soon. Did his lack of interest start when he lost his job, or was it before? It is not normal for a man not to have an interest in sex, so you just need to figure out what it is. Ask first - tell him that it is becoming an issue for you...that you need more than he is giviing you but you need it from him and want to know what you can do to help. Tell him to be brutally honest - maybe you will get your answer without having to g to counseling.
> 
> Still - your comment thatyou would rather be single -seems like you might have already put some thought into it....help him figure it out first. You both deserve to know. It might be an easy fix.


Maybe it was harsh, but it was honest and we are used to that level of honesty in our relationship. Lack of interest started about a month or two into our marriage. He's only been unemployed for about 4 mths now. That's why I'm assuming it's him being unattracted to me. At the beginning of our marriage we were at it, 2-3 times/day, everyday. I still could've continued at this pace and wouldn't have been bored but then he stopped initiating as much. And its been like that ever since. 
I know it seems harsh to say I'd rather be single, but this isn't a one time thing. This has happened and occurred over and over in the span of three years. It's starting to become too much for me, too many lonely nights. 
I've asked him to be completely honest before, asked if it has anything to do with my weight - I'm 5'2 120 lbs, very petite, but very curvy - I stay in shape, go to the gym, take good care of myself - he's reassured me that it has nothing to do with me - that he thinks I'm very sexy, but he's just tired and stressed. 3 years of stress? I'm starting to think its lack of attraction. 
Or maybe it is depression. I've also talked about that with him before. We've been to therapists together, and he's had his own private sessions - I wait in the lobby for him - he's been on meds. The entire package, but that was at the beginning of our relationship and I thought we were over that bump road. Maybe not? A lot has happened since we got married, he lost his mother, we've relocated twice, he's lost his job, so maybe it is that again? Even if that's what it is, I'm sure he won't go to any docs right now as he's so set on finding a job. He's told me leave all things aside until he finds a job then we work on everything step by step. Not a multitasker. 

To everyone who's giving input, I really do appreciate it. Kind of feel relieved now. Still hurt but somewhat relieved. :/


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> A massage doesn't turn me on it puts me in a relaxed sleepy mood so I personally don't think that was a good idea.
> 
> An EROTIC massage however, different story, should have stuck with that to begin with in my opinion. Requires a bit of roleplay and alot of teasing however to get the required effect.


But a massage has always turned him on. And I didn't do it in a sensual, go to sleep baby, kind of way, I let him no from the get go what was on my mind. I dressed provocatively. Got on top of him. Was rubbing against him. And whispered naughty things in his ear. Then wham bam, "I'm sleepy" ... *slams on brakes reallllly hard*


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

smilinatu said:


> As several have said here, he sounds depressed. He has a number of symptoms that are consistent with a reactive depression. He should see a therapist for this issue individually. Many people react very well to the current anti-depressants, and there is no need for him, and you, to suffer without trying them.
> 
> It sounds like you think he will resist therapy. You must separate this issue of depression from the sexual issues to increase the chance that he will accept seeing a therapist. Don't compound his problem by letting him think that he is failing you as a lover, too.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your input!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Fun, aint it? It's really fun after getting this treatment 99.9% of the time for 10-11 years.


It's sad. I don't think I can ever bare 10-11 years of this kind of treatment. I feel for men that go through this. I can't imagine how heartless any wife would be to put her husband through such loneliness.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

Please refer back to my first post in this thread.

I can definitely masterbate once-per-day indefinitely if I am not having sex.

But if I know I'm going to be making love to my wife, I want at least an extra day-or-two without an ejaculation so I can perform better with my wife.

That is why I suggested in my first post here that you try again, but start on Monday telling him what you're both going to be doing with each other on Friday, instead of springing the shaved legs, lotion, and massage on him when he jerked-off 5 / 30 / 120 minutes / one day earlier and give him a chance to build-up some cum so he can feel confident that he can perform.

He may be depressed. But so is everybody. Depressed people jerk off daily, too, I'd bet. And if they didn't they would probably have sex with their spouses more often. 

Try again. Don't give up. And remember to communicate. You and your husband seem to have had some pretty unihibited phases in your sex life. That can't happen without good communication. Well, I think you need to have a heart-to-heart about masterbation and a base acceptable bottom line in terms of frequency of intercourse. If he is depressed and unemployed, then settle for 3 to 5 times per month - for now.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

needguidance said:


> I'm sorry for your situation. I'm not one to tell you to give up. Its at your discretion, just follow your heart and not your thoughts, negative thoughts atleast. Trust I do know the feeling and I experienced it last night and this morning! I didn't get the "you gotta be kidding me" phrase. Lol when I read that I really did laugh pretty hard. I got the " is your penis hard" phrase in the are you serious tone. The sad part is this the only place I can talk about it! If I bring it up to my wife not only will she thinking I'm complaining (we did have sex a few days ago) or I'm just looking for something new to b*#$+ about. I can't show weakness but its hard when you know the source of the problem. So I said hey, it was kind of late and maybe she was tired so I tried this morning. She says you ready to get up now? I'm thinking hell yes! I want to start my day off with some morning drilling! Oh no.... We had more important things to do. I just get frustrated thinking about it. Makes you wonder two things. Would she be like this with someone in her past or someone new? Would some new treat me the same way.....? Nobody knows. I just get tired of playing the game of I want sex but I can't let you know I want it badly or in general for you to want to be more sexual with me. I don't operate that way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ouch, I feel for you man. Thanks for the advice ... Because of my hubby's lack of interest in sex, I'm trying to understand the male species as best I could, so I def appreciate your (and all the other males') input.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Relic said:


> Please refer back to my first post in this thread.
> 
> I can definitely masterbate once-per-day indefinitely if I am not having sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I actually took note of your first post and do plan on acting on it, I hope I'm not rejected once more. That would be a low blow lol. :/


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Let the man relax. When he wants it he will come get it. He told you he just wanted to relax, dont add more pressure for him perfom sexually. Let him enjoy playing wordfued or word with friends on his phone. Thus is life


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

I'm cheering for you.

He's screwing something good up. It sounds like you're a real keeper.

This is no time for getting pregnant. So don't let that happen. 

Try a bit more to get your guy to shape-up. But if he doesn't improve, then you may have to give him an ultimatum.

Without children, you have many more options open to you to consider.

You seem too young to be having to deal with this type of problem.

Report back.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Relic said:


> I'm cheering for you.
> 
> He's screwing something good up. It sounds like you're a real keeper.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! I most def will stay around. Have gotten lots of love and advice from this place so its impossible to stay away. 
No kids happening anytime soon. We've both come to a mutual agreement about that, and I'm glad it's mutual as I need no more resent or hard feelings in this relationship. We are on a rocky boat right now and I've got my fingers crossed.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

fortheloveofit2 said:


> Let the man relax. When he wants it he will come get it. He told you he just wanted to relax, dont add more pressure for him perfom sexually. Let him enjoy playing wordfued or word with friends on his phone. Thus is life


Is that your perspective on things in life? When he wants it he'll come get it? And what am I? His sex machine? What happens when I want it and I go for it? 
I did let it go and I did let him relax and sleep. I'm not looking at what happened once, I'm looking at what's been happening for three years. I want a healthy, happy relationship with the man I fell in love with, so, NO, I will not just let it go. I want to solve our issues. "thus is life"


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## reader27 (Apr 26, 2011)

fallensoldier said:


> he's been on meds. The entire package, but that was at the beginning of our relationship and I thought we were over that bump road.


Is he on meds right now? A lot of antidepressants have low libido as a side effect. It sound like he is also experiencing insomnia, fatigue, and anxiety, which are also common side effects of antidepressants. Although psychiatric medications can help some people, they often cause as many problems as they solve.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> @ Juicer- I'm 100% certain he's not cheating. Everything is exposed between us. All accts, our phones, everything. I know he's been through a lot lately, with looking for a job. But damn, I never thought I'd go as far as I did to seduce him and be rejected. It was more of a shocker. Otherwise, he's very sweet, very affectionate and very caring. But in the sex department - its dead.


^^ if the above is true. Than his confidence is gone do to lack of a job. 

The fact he feels like to begin with probably makes him feel even worse. What i mean is guys know or try not to ever be down and show feelings so much but it may just be too much for him. If he feels like he failed you and himself and the family than that can make perfect sense on why he is withdrawn from sex. He is depressed, unhappy and lacking his confidence. 

Do everything you can to talk to him and to cheer him up do not see him as weak (even though he may view it as that). Tell him how great of a man he is work together on a plan of how to find him a job.


Best of luck


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

wow i just read your comment "id rather be single"

that shocks me. 

If that is the case and he knows you'd rather be single as in NOT with him over a lack of sex even though he has major depression it seems is not good. It just seems sort of harsh the way you said it. I realize the lack of sex must be incredibly frustrating. Heck i suggest all people in sexless marriages leave 9/10 times. However in your case its different it seems he genuinely loves you and cares for you he just has no confidence because he feels he failed you.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> wow i just read your comment "id rather be single"
> 
> that shocks me.
> 
> If that is the case and he knows you'd rather be single as in NOT with him over a lack of sex even though he has major depression it seems is not good. It just seems sort of harsh the way you said it. I realize the lack of sex must be incredibly frustrating. Heck i suggest all people in sexless marriages leave 9/10 times. However in your case its different it seems he genuinely loves you and cares for you he just has no confidence because he feels he failed you.


I say it out of frustration. Out of feeling lonely. And unwanted. I need affection. It doesn't mean I'll act up on my word. I know he loves me, and believe me, i love him too, i really do. I'm just so darn sexually frustrated. 
I've been patient for 3 years and will continue to be patient for another 30 if that's the case. That's what forever and "till death do us part" is all about. I was just emphasizing how painful it is for me if he really has lost interest or isn't attracted to me anymore. Which is why I appreciate men's point of view because I am trying to figure out why a 32 year old, healthy man would be uninterested in sex. It really makes me wonder if it's me or not. Or think how it would be if he has a chance with another girl right now. Would he still be like this? I honestly don't think so. Thus, again, my conclusion of him not being attracted to me anymore.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

sorry if i have not read through entire thread

but have you suggested or tried marriage counseling?. I typically oppose counseling unless its a psychologist/psychiatrist for an individual or group members. But sometimes i think those "love doctor marriage counselors" can help in cases like your own.

I do think it would serve him better to see a psychologist though and get evaluated,tested, and see what is up and how to tackle this issue.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> sorry if i have not read through entire thread
> 
> but have you suggested or tried marriage counseling?. I typically oppose counseling unless its a psychologist/psychiatrist for an individual or group members. But sometimes i think those "love doctor marriage counselors" can help in cases like your own.
> 
> I do think it would serve him better to see a psychologist though and get evaluated,tested, and see what is up and how to tackle this issue.


He refuses to address anything now outside the "job zone". He's unemployed (4 mths now) and wants to focus on getting a job before anything else. He's on a mission. And I'm very understanding. I help him in any and every way possible. I make phone calls for him, set appointments, go to interviews with him when I can. I do whatever I possibly can to make him feel appreciated and loved, although I do admit I've been kind of less affectionate towards him because of the resent thats growing in me. I can't help it. It hurts. I love him dearly and want no other way to express my love for him except for jumping him any chance I can, yet he doesn't feel the same (sexually ONLY) otherwise our relationship is perfect (to me atleast).


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

reader27 said:


> Is he on meds right now? A lot of antidepressants have low libido as a side effect. It sound like he is also experiencing insomnia, fatigue, and anxiety, which are also common side effects of antidepressants. Although psychiatric medications can help some people, they often cause as many problems as they solve.


Nope. Hasn't been on meds in more than two years now.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Have you made it clear what is at stake here? You have a right to a reasonable sex life. Does he understand how important this is to you?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Have you made it clear what is at stake here? You have a right to a reasonable sex life. Does he understand how important this is to you?


Honestly, no. I have spoken about it before, but not in regards to myself in particular. Just mentioned how important it is for partners sex life to be in sync with one another. He always agrees :/
Also, there was a time where we went 5 mths without sex - same "stressed out" excuse, that's when I discovered his porn addiction. It really hurt me. That I was so understanding and supportive for 5 mths yet he was getting his release elsewhere. So when I discovered it we did speak about everything then, I did clarify that I needed affection and needed to be taken care of. He understood that well. That's mainly a part of the reason I haven't discussed it again. I don't want to force him to have sex with me. I want him to want it as much as I do. But it's not happening. If I'm not all over him he's not initiating and I don't want to feel like I have to show him that I wanna be f*cked day and night. I want him to attack me and go for it, damn it! Ugh!


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> Honestly, no. I have spoken about it before, but not in regards to myself in particular. Just mentioned how important it is for partners sex life to be in sync with one another. He always agrees :/
> Also, there was a time where we went 5 mths without sex - same "stressed out" excuse, that's when I discovered his porn addiction. It really hurt me. That I was so understanding and supportive for 5 mths yet he was getting his release elsewhere. So when I discovered it we did speak about everything then, I did clarify that I needed affection and needed to be taken care of. He understood that well. That's mainly a part of the reason I haven't discussed it again. I don't want to force him to have sex with me. I want him to want it as much as I do. But it's not happening. If I'm not all over him he's not initiating and I don't want to feel like I have to show him that I wanna be f*cked day and night. I want him to attack me and go for it, damn it! Ugh!


Of course you don't want to force him to have sex, but you have to make him understand that he has a duty to resolve whatever problem he has. He needs to have medical checks and if it is not physical he has to get counseling. It is not fair to condemn your partner to a passionless marriage. 

Make sure he understands the gravity of the situation. Too often the LD partner is dismissive of sex and refuses to see the damage done to other partner. If you continue down that path your marriage is in grave danger.


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Or maybe it is depression. I've also talked about that with him before. We've been to therapists together, and he's had his own private sessions - I wait in the lobby for him - he's been on meds. The entire package, but that was at the beginning of our relationship and I thought we were over that bump road. Maybe not?


OK, first of all depression is not like some viruses. You do not develop an immunity to it just because you had it once. If anything, if you have reacted to stress with depression once, you are more likely to have that reaction again. You said, "he's been on meds." Some questions:
1. Did they help him?
2. That sounds like he is not on them anymore. Is he still on them?
3. What were they?
4. What doctor prescribed them? A psychiatrist? Family doctor?
5. Any reason not to return to that doctor?

The individual portion of marriage counseling is not the same as therapy for depression. Depending on who did the MC, that person may have no training in depression at all. Even if the meds worked in the past and he is still on the meds, he may need a different dosage to handle the current stressors.

If he is suffering from depression that could be hurting his efforts to find a job. Convince him of that and he may be willing to see a doctor.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Of course you don't want to force him to have sex, but you have to make him understand that he has a duty to resolve whatever problem he has. He needs to have medical checks and if it is not physical he has to get counseling. It is not fair to condemn your partner to a passionless marriage.
> 
> Make sure he understands the gravity of the situation. Too often the LD partner is dismissive of sex and refuses to see the damage done to other partner. If you continue down that path your marriage is in grave danger.


I understand that. And I agree. But the timing is just wrong. He's repeatedly asked me to leave all issues aside for the time being, just until he finds a job, and then we can solve things step by step. 
It's not a health issue, that I know for sure. Depression? Im starting to believe so, and have hinted it at him. Have even went as far as telling him we both might be depressed because of the many changes we've been through in so little time; too much stress and pressure, and have suggested for both of us to go and get evaluated together. He's confident that it's something he can cure on his own. That he just needs to find a job, feel settled once more, then he'll start to feel better about hisself, and things will improve. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

smilinatu said:


> OK, first of all depression is not like some viruses. You do not develop an immunity to it just because you had it once. If anything, if you have reacted to stress with depression once, you are more likely to have that reaction again. You said, "he's been on meds." Some questions:
> 1. Did they help him?
> 2. That sounds like he is not on them anymore. Is he still on them?
> 3. What were they?
> ...


I never said he's now immune to depression due to the fact that he's been diagnosed with it before. In fact, I stated that depression might be the case because he has been on depression meds before and has taken therapy for depression. 

1. The meds helped him knock out of this world, that's what they did. I never enjoyed witnessing what they did to him. He completed his cycles, took several kinds of meds too, then eventually was told to "lay off of them slowly" ... 
2. He's not on them no, hasn't been on them in more than two years. 
3. The one that I'm absolute sure of is Zoloft. Others I don't remember their names. 
4. Psychiatrist. Foreign country. 
5. Yes, first off we've moved. Second, I don't believe that doc did him any good. Matter of fact, when I discovered his porn addiction and confronted him, he broke down, told me he'd confessed his addiction to his psych, said he used porn and live cam chats as a way to forget about his depression, the wacko psychiatrist actually encouraged him to go on and do whatever it is that needed to be done in order to just "forget about his issues". I confronted the doc, gave him a piece of my mind, never want back to him again.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I never said he's now immune to depression due to the fact that he's been diagnosed with it before. In fact, I stated that depression might be the case because he has been on depression meds before and has taken therapy for depression.
> 
> 1. The meds helped him knock out of this world, that's what they did. I never enjoyed witnessing what they did to him. He completed his cycles, took several kinds of meds too, then eventually was told to "lay off of them slowly" ...
> 2. He's not on them no, hasn't been on them in more than two years.
> ...


As a recovering P addict, I can tell you that it's a long ride to recovery. Just "not looking" isn't enough. He is going to have to rewire his brain. If he is like me, he brought that world into your bedroom. 
I can tell you that I had problems performing sometimes for days after using it. And unless you have gone through it, you can't understand it. My wife left me 4 years ago when she caught me, and I'm still in the recovery phases. I have some references if you would like to read up on it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> He refuses to address anything now outside the "job zone". He's unemployed (4 mths now) and wants to focus on getting a job before anything else. He's on a mission. And I'm very understanding. I help him in any and every way possible. I make phone calls for him, set appointments, go to interviews with him when I can. I do whatever I possibly can to make him feel appreciated and loved, although I do admit I've been kind of less affectionate towards him because of the resent thats growing in me. I can't help it. It hurts. I love him dearly and want no other way to express my love for him except for jumping him any chance I can, yet he doesn't feel the same (sexually ONLY) otherwise our relationship is perfect (to me atleast).


WHOA. WHAT???

You make calls for him, set up his appointments and go with him? No wonder he isn't interested in sex. Who would want to have sex with their mother???

Seriously, your husband is depressed because he can't do anything on his own, whether he has problems (which he will have to straighten out) or because you are hovering over him like a helicopter parent.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> WHOA. WHAT???
> 
> You make calls for him, set up his appointments and go with him? No wonder he isn't interested in sex. Who would want to have sex with their mother???
> 
> Seriously, your husband is depressed because he can't do anything on his own, whether he has problems (which he will have to straighten out) or because you are hovering over him like a helicopter parent.


Of all the posts I've made you seriously chose this particular one to point your finger at for our lack of sex life??? Hmmmm ... 

Well, I do those things for him yes, it's because he asks me to help him out. It's because he's jobless and his self esteem is down the drain. He needs motivation. If I didn't do these things for him he would just sleep for days. I have to encourage him, stand with him best I could, until we cross this hard phase. It's what spouses do, they stand together, in goodness and in bad.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> As a recovering P addict, I can tell you that it's a long ride to recovery. Just "not looking" isn't enough. He is going to have to rewire his brain. If he is like me, he brought that world into your bedroom.
> I can tell you that I had problems performing sometimes for days after using it. And unless you have gone through it, you can't understand it. My wife left me 4 years ago when she caught me, and I'm still in the recovery phases. I have some references if you would like to read up on it.


Well, I don't know if he's like you .. But I do know that at that point when he was addicted, span of 4-5 mths, we weren't having sex at all. He might still be an addict - I do suspect it at times, as I do feel he'd rather sit on porn for hrs then have sex with me. I don't know how often he watches porn now, or even of he does, not that I'm in denial, but I dont snoop around anymore, kinda numb to the whole porn addiction thing. 

I'd be more than happy to look at whatever links or info you have. I don't mind reading and understanding what could quite possibly be his problem.

Thank you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No no no no, please stop with the sleepy massages! An HOUR?! Nah nah you've put him to sleep! >.<! Darn it lol!

EROTIC massage is a different thing, let me explain; you're not rubbing his shoulders or back, you're teasing the fk outta him. Start as far away from his willy as possible, then work your way to it, massaging everything in your path:

Make him less tense with his shoulders, flirt with him, whisper in his ear, once he's relaxed, move your hands lower and lower, tell him to turn around and TEASE him with your hands down on his groin. ARGH... don't want to get into the deep details...

EDIT: "fallen soldier" eh? Try roleplay with your hubby


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> No no no no, please stop with the sleepy massages! An HOUR?! Nah nah you've put him to sleep! >.<! Darn it lol!
> 
> EROTIC massage is a different thing, let me explain; you're not rubbing his shoulders or back, you're teasing the fk outta him. Start as far away from his willy as possible, then work your way to it, massaging everything in your path:
> 
> ...


^^ this here is exactly what I did RandomDude. Then when I got to
his boxers he held on to them, said his body is too tired and wants to sleep.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

And I have tried role playing. I've about tried everything with him. But only when he wants, only when he's feeling adventurous .. 
So, I might get that he was too tired and wanted to sleep, that my massage "knocked him out", but it's been three nights. Still nothing. My massage couldn't have been that powerful :/


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> And I have tried role playing. I've about tried everything with him. But only when he wants, only when he's feeling adventurous ..
> So, I might get that he was too tired and wanted to sleep, that my massage "knocked him out", but it's been three nights. Still nothing. My massage couldn't have been that powerful :/


The problem is his and only he can deal with it.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

I feel for you, I am in the same boat...complete reversal. I keep myself up pretty well...dress nice, clean, keep fit, etc, and I get nothing in return. It is a real shame that people who are good at all areas of a marriage, except for sex, like our spouses, can't all find each other. While people like you and I, who are good marriage partners, who also crave sex and sensual passion, get together and live the lives they want to live.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kev23 said:


> I feel for you, I am in the same boat...complete reversal. I keep myself up pretty well...dress nice, clean, keep fit, etc, and I get nothing in return. It is a real shame that people who are good at all areas of a marriage, except for sex, like our spouses, can't all find each other. While people like you and I, who are good marriage partners, who also crave sex and sensual passion, get together and live the lives they want to live.


I agree. And I'm sorry you're in the situation that you are. I know from experience it's a true heartbreak. It has taken a huge toll on my self esteem levels. I'm starting to doubt my beauty and my body from every aspect possible. I haven't gained weight since we got married, in fact, I've been told I look 10 x's better than when I was single. I take pride in taking care of myself, I workout, and the whole nine yards, but it just seems like its not enough. I wonder if I'm just not his type anymore. I really am starting to believe its lack of attraction towards me. Its been four nights since his "my body is tired and I just wanna sleep" excuse, he saw how hurt I was, and hasn't initiated anything since. My resent is only growing deeper and I'm only starting to think that whenever the next time he tries to initiate, I will turn him down to give him a taste of his own medicine.

I've even gone as far as taking the blame, because I simply cannot understand how a MAN can go so long without any sex. I'm starting to have self image issues and thinking .. Well, maybe my @$$ is too big, maybe my thighs aren't in shape, maybe my stomach flops while I'm on top, lmao, but to be truthful I have a bangin body, no flabby stomach, tiny small waist, mid sized boobs, curvy, smaller version of Kim Kardashian's body type, and I'm telling the mofo use it in any way you please ... But to no avail


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I agree. And I'm sorry you're in the situation that you are. I know from experience it's a true heartbreak. It has taken a huge toll on my self esteem levels. I'm starting to doubt my beauty and my body from every aspect possible. I haven't gained weight since we got married, in fact, I've been told I look 10 x's better than when I was single. I take pride in taking care of myself, I workout, and the whole nine yards, but it just seems like its not enough. I wonder if I'm just not his type anymore. I really am starting to believe its lack of attraction towards me. Its been four nights since his "my body is tired and I just wanna sleep" excuse, he saw how hurt I was, and hasn't initiated anything since. My resent is only growing deeper and I'm only starting to think that whenever the next time he tries to initiate, I will turn him down to give him a taste of his own medicine.
> 
> I've even gone as far as taking the blame, because I simply cannot understand how a MAN can go so long without any sex. I'm starting to have self image issues and thinking .. Well, maybe my @$$ is too big, maybe my thighs aren't in shape, maybe my stomach flops while I'm on top, lmao, but to be truthful I have a bangin body, no flabby stomach, tiny small waist, mid sized boobs, curvy, smaller version of Kim Kardashian's body type, and I'm telling the mofo use it in any way you please ... But to no avail


My God...that is a tragedy. I could not nor would not turn that down, ever. He's crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kev23 said:


> My God...that is a tragedy. I could not nor would not turn that down, ever. He's crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh  I just hope I don't do anything stupid soon. I'm so tired of giving, giving and giving and getting nothing in return.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

if it continues just divorce.

better you divorce than engage in an affair that tends to be the case with those who cannot put their foot down, they like the comfort of marriage and will engage in an affair because they do not want to end it when that is the right thing to do.

Nobody deserves this and he seems unwilling to let it change. Stick it out a little longer if no change occurs i do not see why you should stay. Divorce, 

most married people honestly should not be married

You need to realize that life is short, you can find love anywhere, and that happiness can happen at a moment its a way of thinking. In addition your desire for sex and a truly loving relationship can occur elsewhere. I do not advice cheating EVER i am opposed to that but i do think you should prepare yourself for maybe giving the ultimatum of divorce or he works on his problem. Think of it like this and its so true "you do not need another person to make you happy" and you can easily find a better relationship with love elsewhere. NEVER be afraid of the unknown,

afraid people are the ones who are so willing to stick in sexless marriages and they suffer and remain unhappy for long periods of time. When the truth is its so avoidable if only they could realize this!





Love is NOT destined its a feeling that can be replaced

You are NOT trapped.


Best of luck


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> if it continues just divorce.
> 
> better you divorce than engage in an affair that tends to be the case with those who cannot put their foot down, they like the comfort of marriage and will engage in an affair because they do not want to end it when that is the right thing to do.
> 
> ...


Thank you goldmember. I will definitely keep your words in mind. I absolutely agree with everything you said. Thank you.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Ugh  I just hope I don't do anything stupid soon. I'm so tired of giving, giving and giving and getting nothing in return.


I am with you loud and clear on that. Its hard to go on and on being horny with no release...with another person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

kev23 said:


> I am with you loud and clear on that. Its hard to go on and on being horny with no release...with another person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Its not even about being h*rny ... For being h*rny there's an easy solution - a hand, a toy, porn, etc ... Release. 
It's the lack of intimacy, it's feeling unwanted that hurts, it's sleeping next to a complete brick wall that starts to cause resent ... 
I'm only 27 ... I was 21 when I met him. Was a virgin too, saving myself for marriage. Ohhh, the irony :/


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> Its not even about being h*rny ... For being h*rny there's an easy solution - a hand, a toy, porn, etc ... Release.
> It's the lack of intimacy, it's feeling unwanted that hurts, it's sleeping next to a complete brick wall that starts to cause resent :/


This is what a lot of sexual rejectors try and ignore. Sex is not just a pleasure it is vital for pair-bonding.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> Its not even about being h*rny ... For being h*rny there's an easy solution - a hand, a toy, porn, etc ... Release.
> It's the lack of intimacy, it's feeling unwanted that hurts, it's sleeping next to a complete brick wall that starts to cause resent ...
> I'm only 27 ... I was 21 when I met him. Was a virgin too, saving myself for marriage. Ohhh, the irony :/


 I know what you mean...it makes everything else better, because it does strengthen those bonds. Just the fact that the release isn't nearly as satisfying alone. That all goes back to what you said, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## controlledchaos (Oct 14, 2012)

What is he doing on his phone (that you say he's always on)? 

I hate to say it but it's not normal for a guy to not WANT his wife, especially at your age. 

If this happens fairly often, I don't think its that he's not attracted to you, it's that he's found some other form of stimulation. That could be another person, or it could just be porn, but either way, you can't go on like that.


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## juicecondensation (Oct 11, 2012)

Alot of men go through what you are describing all the time with their wives.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> Of all the posts I've made you seriously chose this particular one to point your finger at for our lack of sex life??? Hmmmm ...
> 
> Well, I do those things for him yes, it's because he asks me to help him out. It's because he's jobless and his self esteem is down the drain. He needs motivation. If I didn't do these things for him he would just sleep for days. I have to encourage him, stand with him best I could, until we cross this hard phase. It's what spouses do, they stand together, in goodness and in bad.


Absolutely!!

It's indicative of being very depressed. I'm not saying that it's bad to do these things for someone who is depressed, it's bad that he's in that situation.

And his self esteem isn't going to improve with you helping him, even though that is the normal reaction for a spouse.

He needs to go for professional help and don't take no for an answer. When he starts doing better and can function on his own (find and hold a job) I'm sure things will get better.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I am a huge supporter of the sanctity of marriage - until all other options have been explored, unless there is a danger of staying.
Before a divorce, have you considered separation? Do you have a place to go for a while?
The 180 seems like a plan to consider.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> ^^ this here is exactly what I did RandomDude. Then when I got to
> his boxers he held on to them, said his body is too tired and wants to sleep.


Well that wouldn't stop my wife, she would insist that I need a full body and get those boxers off and start teasing/playing with my willy lol, and if I hold on to them she'll just wait until my hands are relaxed then she pulls them off before I can react.

However... starting to think though that you've done everything you can on your own. I'm lower drive myself than my wife but even I can't say no to good a tease (whenever she can actually be bothered *sigh*) - I have my buttons. There may be bigger problems at play between your husband and yourself


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what you don't say in this thread that you say in another thread is that your husband is out "looking for a job" from 9 pm to 3 am. And that he had all sorts of questionable websites in his browser history, if I recall. These are important details for people to see the big picture and give you proper advice.

C


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

What's the update here? I just read this while thread - it is interesting to me as I am a husband in this situation - meaning the rejectee. I came here wondering how to cope with constant rejection. What fallensoldier says is so true about self image. I feel repulsive as my wife never ever ever wants sex. I asked her point blank, if I didn't initiate would we never have sex again ... The answer 'probably'.

THAT HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING SHE HAS EVER SAID TO ME.

I think spouses who don't have sex drive don't want to think about how destructive it is to their partner - it is such an easy think to sweep under the rug. It doesn't stare you in the face, there are so many ways to rationalize it - but the receiving end is hell, pure and simple.

With that said some input about this guy. Some off-the-wall thing to consider. First thought is that maybe there is something on or around his penis he is hiding? Perhaps he shaves his balls - I wouldn't put it past a porn addict to do such a thing - who knows as it sounds like the disrobing part was cut short to possibly hide something.

About depression, I think that is a totally acceptable explanation and don't think this one occurrence warrants so much concern at least for now. It is a bit of an over reaction - of course, I think he is mad for rejecting - I feel so %]^{*ing jealous that his spouse did all that, especially now for me it's 4 months of nothing. More investigation is warranted if this happens 3 times I think. Twice is enough but three is a definite. Then you need to begin wondering. I have been to that place of depression before and it really is something that consumes you - take sadness and multiply it by 100 then add the same amount of fear. That is how debilitating real depression is. 

What is so great here is that this woman is willing to work on it, so please think about maybe suggesting that more regular sex is good for endorphines and mood and confidence and maybe do what other suggest which is to not take him by surprise. Maybe a small adjustment to the approach is all that's needed. Keep positive and don't worry about your body. I know I am not repulsive despite feeling I am so you too are not physically undesirable - I especially feel for women with the while body image thing. 

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> What's the update here? I just read this while thread - it is interesting to me as I am a husband in this situation - meaning the rejectee. I came here wondering how to cope with constant rejection. What fallensoldier says is so true about self image. I feel repulsive as my wife never ever ever wants sex. I asked her point blank, if I didn't initiate would we never have sex again ... The answer 'probably'.
> 
> THAT HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING SHE HAS EVER SAID TO ME.
> 
> ...


Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this too. I am in the process of filing for divorce. Updates are available on my other thread topic. I hope things get better for you. I know exactly how painful this is. I've endured it for almost 4 years now, but enough is enough. I deserve better. You deserve better. I wish you the best. And good luck to you as well!


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## Anon157 (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi there I've actually joined in order to post this so I hope you get it! 
I had to reply because your replies seemed so similar to my own with questions about my relationship. It can really leave you hurt and feeling confused especially when in my case that had continued on for many nights over almost a year. I've read over all the posts and feel there's one thing maybe above all other's that you need to consider; that your husband is no doubt not dealing quite as well with being unemploed as you might think. To men their masculinity and independence comes from earning their own way in the world, it makes them feel like a 'real man'; one who can support his woman, do nice things with her, be worth her so to speak (which I think ridiculous but after years of having male friends and close relationships this are my thoughts on it). And you sound like a woman worth supporting. Your husband may be feeling inadequate. Maybe he wouldn't want to make it known to you that something you see as not really that important (having a job) is intrinsic to who he is and his self image and maybe he's depressed about it.
So I suppose it comes down to you as a woman; will you keep on at it trying to be supportive or give up? We all have limits; let him know if you near yours. But I personally choose to wait for my man, I put up with the hurt and rejection because I know how wonderful it can be and I don't want anyone else. These phases happen in relationships, it is the strength of your foundations that gets you through your shakier patches. I hope you haven't replied since because you worked your problems out; if not I hope this reply helps.


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## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

Constant rejection would be a difficult thing for me to handle, and would be symptomatic of other problems in the marriage.

In my marriage my wife and I try to be as upfront as possible with occasions where we know we are likely to reject one another. We are both busy people with active careers so there will always be times when we are out of sync for sex.

On refusing, the hardest thing I find is the 'silent treatment' usually for an hour or so where she is disappointed. I never really know what to say that will help matters, but we get over it, as refusal is generally a rare thing.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't get this refusing sex because you masturbated!



Exactly. There is some other issue here. I could have just finished seconds before and if my wife walked out and did what you did it would be on again.

Now if I just finished masturbating, I obviously wouldnt pursue sex, but if my wife comes out naked, lotioned up, and aggressive....I would never say no to that.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

This happens to me more often then I'd like to admit. 

It's hard not to let it bother you. Keep your chin up girl! Who knows why men aren't in the mood sometimes. Don't let him drag you down, be confident in yourself. It's his problem, not yours.


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

Your story hits home in so many ways, except that it's my wife rejecting me and in your case it's your husband. I literally related to every single thing you've mentioned. I could add a ton more but generally, you've hit the nail on the head. I wish I had a new suggestion for you to try but I know that seeing that you're here on TAM, you've more than likely exhausted all avenues, some of them over and over. 
I feel sad that you haven't replied here in such a long time. This means that either things turned around drastically and you guys are so happy now that you don't need TAM any more or it means that things are so bad that you've given up hope and no longer want to wallow in the pain that is TAM. 
I'll post my story someday, but for now, I'm just really sad for you and the fact that you're no longer posting to your thread. When I startedrreading it, I got all excited coz I thought for sure: "Here's a happy ending". 
All the best to you fallensoldier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

No happy ending, wannabe. I have been reading and lurking around for almost a year now. Haven't updated, but have been thinking of rejoining the tam community for the past week. The drama here has pushed me away tho. The trolls, Rosie, and just too many disappointments lately has had me put off my post. Will update very soon.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

Possibly low t?


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

Question fallensoldier: How's his job search going?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Well, I promised everyone an update, and so here I am ...

Don't know if anyone has read my other thread, a little over a year ago I walked out on WS, left his state, came home to my homestate. Alot of angry texts and phone calls were exchanged between both of us. I had caught him on dating websites and exchanging pics w many girls online. Dirty texts, the whole nine yards ...

After coming home I landed an amazing job, amazing pay, and started working on building myself, all over again. Things started looking up for me, i was travelling for work, saving tons of money, and promoted twice in a 3 month span. During those 3 months there was no communication between WS and I at all. The pain was lessening, thoughts of him were subsiding, and I was finally at a happy place in my life. Just waiting for divorce procedures to go through. In which I later learned he had never signed the papers that he was served ...

One work day during my lunch break I had a lunch date w a friend, was sitting eating at a restaurant, all smiles, when I got a text from him. I immediately dropped everything that I was doing, ran to my car, and cried like never before. I don't know where that reaction came from, I hadn't even read his text yet, but it had been 4 months since I'd heard from him, and I was becoming used to life without him now ...

Long story short, we started exchanging texts, texts became phone calls, phone calls became easier, funner, we shared our secrets, our life details, what I had been doing, what he was doing. He had gotten a job, was barely making it paycheck to paycheck, and me ... Well, my bank account was growing more and more by the day. 

He told me he was having trouble making it, I made the stupidest mistake of my life, by offering to help get him a job in my home state, he was a bit hesitant in the beginning and then he gave in.

Phone calls and texts went on for another 3 months before he finally decided he would move to where I am, and by then we were already lovey dovey again, he had promised that I would see the changes in him, that he was a changed man, he knew what he "almost lost", and was going to "make it up to me" ...

In June of this year, I picked him up from the airport, I hadnt seen him in 7 months, and life couldn't get any better. I took him to my apt, which then became our apt., I helped him land a good job, both of us started working, saving money, and finally our life was becoming what I had hoped and dreamed of for years. 

We never again spoke of the dating sites, which was probably the mistake I had made, I didn't want to talk about the past, just think of the future. He was a changed man, and seemed to be doing everything to make me happy. He would agree to anything and everything that I wanted, we had date nights, met up for lunch dates during our work week, it felt like I was a teenager and falling in love all over again for the very first time ... 

We decided it was time to start a family, and I got pregnant as soon as I was off the pill. I was elated. Life was perfect.

Then came the gut feeling, the horrible, disgusting, nasty gut feeling. Locked phone, secret phone calls, etc etc. I was in denial. I was pregnant, living on cloud 9 for several months, and did not want to go down that scary road once more. And so I pretended not to see a thing. The more I pretended the more things were becoming obvious. I started crying myself to sleep again, becoming moody, losing focus at work, depressed, and triggers started hitting me one after the other. 

He started noticing my attitude had changed, I was pulling away from him, drawing lines between us, preparing for another heartbreak. And so at times he would try to cover up his footsteps, put away his phone when he'd hear me approaching, hang up on whomever he was speaking to, and so forth.The more obvious he became the more uncomfortable I felt in my own home. I started sleeping on the couch, yes I .. not him ... but, i would give excuses that bed wasn't comfortable enough now that I was pregnant, or that he moved around too much, or snored too loud, our work hrs were different, I woke earlier, and so I would say that I needed the extra hrs to myself, so I can get enough rest.

Sex became ... dead, non existant. Whereas when he first came we couldn't keep our hands off one another. I just didnt want him near me. And for the first time since we got married, I viewed him differently. I didn't care for him as much as I used to. I wasn't going to put any effort into fixing things this time. I thought to myself if my pregnancy, and our starting a new family together had not changed him, then what will ever change him? 

I started looking for evidence, because I knew if I were to just confront him he would make me to be the psycho, crazy wife. I had looked at his yahoo messenger profile and had discovered that he had a pic of another woman as his profile pic. He was online constantly, while I was "sleeping" in the living room. My sleeping alone was a convenience to him, and since I couldn't get to his locked phone, that was constantly glued to his side, all I could do was save that one pic of this new girl and try to gather any other evidence possible.

I put a VAR in his car, and tried to stay quiet and as nonchalant as possible until something came up. I did not just want to confront him w that one pic, I needed something more.

Nothing came up on his VAR, and I was growing non patient, so one night while I was "asleep" on the couch, and he was online w his many flings I approached him.

I calmly asked if he would come to the living room, that I had needed to speak to him. He was glued to his phone, but did tell me that Yes, he would come, and we could talk, but asked that I give him just a few minutes. When he finally came, I asked what is it that was so important on his phone that he could not leave to come talk to me right away. He looked away and said nothing, he was just finishing up something. I said, finishing up what? I had never been so strong in my life and I was ready to have this bvllcrap over w. Even he was surprised at my approach w him. 

I asked him if he remembers why I had walked out on him last year, and he actually said no! I said oh, so I just walked off for the heck of it? Because I wanted to separate for 7 months? For no damn reason? He said, I really dont know. I said fair enough, so what were you doing on your phone? He said nothing important. I said, define "nothing important", what is "nothing important", he was not making eye contact w me, and just tried to brush off every q I asked. 

I asked, are you doing something wrong on your phone? He said, no. I asked no girls? No dating sites? No chats? Nothing? He said no. I said and so if there's nothing to hide, you can easily unlock your phone right now and just prove that to me, can't you? He said, no. I told him thanks, that's the answer I was looking for. Now I know what I need to do, and what should have been done long ago. 


I asked him what his e-mail address was. Because I knew had I just shown him that pic of the girl, he would make up some silly, stupid lie, about how his email was hacked into, his messenger was stolen, and he had no clue who this girl is. He's come up w that lie before. He told me what his e-mail address was and I immediately showed him the pic of the girl that was associated w that email profile. I asked who she was, and he just remained quiet. No answer. 

I demanded he get out and thats when the screaming and shouting back and forth began. I couldn't take it anymore, I had a nervous breakdown, shaking and crying and couldn't stand on my feet anymore. He tried to console me and I asked that he back the fvck off. I then gave him an ultimatum. Told him he had two choices, either to open his phone immediately and prove there was nothing wrong on there, or I walk out again, and this time I would walk out and he would never see me again. I told him if I walked out the door, do not bother contacting me because I will not respond at all. I would fight for full custody once our child was born and there would never again be me taking him back. Prove to me there is nothing on that phone. He refused. And I walked out. 

I have now been gone for a week. My phone has been on blast since I walked off. He has been texting and begging that I answer. Promising "a new beginning", saying he "made a mistake of not showing me there was nothing on his phone", that he is "ready to show me now" , on and on and on. I woke up the next morning to 121 texts and 100 missed calls. Threats of him killing hisself. Not being able to live without me. Without our little family. 

I have not responded to anything. I have no desire to respond to anything either. I feel numb when I read his texts. I don't care for his explanations like I once did. I am numb to everything that has to do with him. The one thing I wanted most in life, a child, is the one thing that I already regret most. I do not want to bring a child into this world under these circumstances. No child deserves to live in such misery. Every child should be born into a loving, caring, providing environment, w both parents available. I feel like I have already betrayed my unborn child and it kills me. I hate to say it, but I sometimes wish that something would happen and I would lose this child before it is born. Call it selfish, call it heartless, but I want this for the child more than anything else. I would never forgive myself if I willingly aborted it, but if it were anything else I would feel relief. There are times that I feel it move inside me, and I just hold on to it and cry until I cannot breathe anymore. 

I do know I am done with him. There is no way I will take him back, ever again. I want to be done with this marriage asap. I know I have to make contact w him in order for that to happen and so I am prolonging that. I just don't know from where to begin ... I'm just trying to stay as calm as possible for now. Don't want the stress to kill or affect my unborn baby ... 

Crazy, I know ...


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

All I can say is how very sorry I am. You sound like a great woman who has tried very hard to make this work and again, I am so sorry.

Do you have family or friends close by who can help you through this?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

GTdad, no need to be sorry, not your fault. Yes, my family and friends are all around me and all supporting me. I thank you for your support as well. Means a lot to me ...


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

Wow!!! Things really escalated very fast. Felt like I was watching a movie while reading your update.

Tell me fallensoldier, was it just on-line chatting; dirty texts withs strange women; emails; etc. or did he actually cheat on you sexually with these women?

Even though you say you're done with him, I'm still kind of rooting for the two (three) of you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I read your other thread, not all of this one, and this last page has broken my heart for you. I couldn't believe I was reading you let him back in. I understand how the heart is, not logical, but you did seem so sure of what you wanted, and so sure of yourself. 

Well, live and learn. I know your child will have a very loving mother, and a very loving family around it. So that part's good. Too bad Dad can't see beyond the end of his d!ck, or he could share in that joy. 

<<<BIG hugs>>>


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Another text just now. No begging, pleading, explaining or anything. Just a plain and simple "I miss you " 

I will not reply. I told him what would happen once I walk out the door. His loss. 

Gotta sleep, have an early docs appt tmw morning, will be finding out the gender of my baby ...


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

wannabe said:


> Wow!!! Things really escalated very fast. Felt like I was watching a movie while reading your update.
> 
> Tell me fallensoldier, was it just on-line chatting; dirty texts withs strange women; emails; etc. or did he actually cheat on you sexually with these women?
> 
> Even though you say you're done with him, I'm still kind of rooting for the two (three) of you.


No, there have been no signs or proof of any physical affairs. Everything he has ever done has been online. 

I cannot speak for the time we were separated though. I suspect that might be what he's hiding.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Well, another update. Mom came over to my place today, we were sitting having coffee when WS's car approached. I went into my room and she sat w him. He tried to talk to me through the door, I ignored. Then mom came to the door and tried to convince me to come out and just "hear him out". I told her all talk bw us is done, and like I told him when I walked out, the moment I walk out there's nothing he can say or do afterwards that will change my mind. 

I was listening through the door as they sat together. Not that i care for his explanations or excuses, but I just wanted to see what kind of bvllcrap story he would come up w. In the beginning his tone was friendly and calm w mom but as he realized that I wasn't coming out he became more aggressive and his tone completely waned down into something ... Sad or depressed, I would say. Then he left.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Well just read your post. Its so crazy to hear a guy not wanting sex. I was married for ten years to my xW and it was allways a fight to have sex. I swear that woman invented the handbook for how to tell a guy "NO". It does kill a guy. Its so demeaning and demoralizing. It put me right into a depression and having kids with her only made it worse. My story is not quite like yours. My xW did cheat on me many times so it was clear to me I was the person she did not want. You situation is unique. I would have begged to had that kind of attention with my xW. I know you are probably feeling bad about having a kid with him but think of the good things. You sound like a really decent person and will be a good mother for your child. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything but I would sure pay to have my xW hauled to another country.

Clay


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Clay,

So sorry to hear about your situation. I know just how much rejection can kill your self esteem. I've walked out and still have self esteem issues, I just don't think I'm attractive enough for a man to desire. 

I've never rejected him, always dressed nicely and took good care of myself for him. Especially in the evenings. The past 2-3 years have been sexless battles. I feel like I must throw myself at him in order to get any loving. And then I feel disgust afterwards and swear on my life that I'll never do it again, just for dignity's sake. 

It's almost like him being able to get off watching the animal planet and I can lay seductively in front of him, dressed promiscuously, and not an inch of him would budge. 

I have a q though, other TAMers please feel free to chime in :

Is there something other ppl can detect about a sexless marriage? Last night I was surprised to learn that my family was shocked when I became pregnant. The first q they asked one another was "they have sex?!!" ... I've never told anyone about our sexless marriage and was thrown off to hear this last night.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> We made up for it last night though in betwee NCIS and SOA and then when we went to bed...


:rofl:

This quote is full of awesome.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I have no doubt that people can sense when someone is not happy in respect. My brother ( I worked with the whole time) teased me about it. I never really told him but some how he picked right up on it. Its like a two fold problem. The initial shock of being rejected. Your first thoughts are Why???? The trying to answer this question leads to the insecure feeling. I can tell you this Its his problem not yours. It has nothing to really do with you. My relationship with my xW was great the first couple of years. Two times every day and sometimes more. If your husband can't communicate or get passed its his issue. You have done everything you were expected too. I tried everything. I read things online. I spent more time doing things she liked. I encouraged her to do things to make herself happy. I planned really romantic evenings. I bought her flowers like no one has ever seen lol. I showered her with love and attention. None of it worked I spent years wondering what in the world I was doing so wrong. The more as time passed on I became resentful and we wouldn't have sex for months. I know its hard to let go of how you feel in some way its your fault but its not. Trying to answer the question why is something not worth spending any real time over. I am 43 and not the greatest looking guy. I had custody of my four kids. Let me tell you finding a woman to be intimate with me was really difficult. I started to see my own insecurity really killed my chances. The more I let go of it the more I realized women did like me. You will see the same. Go out and date. Have fun. forget about him and move forward with you. 

Clay


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

I can completely understand being able to detect an unhappy couple, but I was completely stunned when I found out what my family's reaction was. These are my brothers, my sisters, my mom and dad. People that I never spoke of my sex life with, we just don't go there, and the first thing that comes out of their mouths is "they have sex?!?" ... Im baffled ...

Well short update : 

I went to our apartment when I knew he wouldnt be there today and took everything that I was able to in 2 hrs, cause I knew he'd be coming home. He comes home to most of my stuff being gone, and my phone starts going off like crazy ... 

Apologies, promises, crocodile tears, phone calls, begging, pleading ... etc ...

I did not pick up any his calls and I have not replied to any of his texts, but here's what is irritating me ... 

I feel like he has a slight hint of hope that him and I will reconcile, whereas I can never see myself with him once more. 

So, how do I explain that to him without sounding like the same person that did the same thing many many times? 

I don't mind replying to his texts, but I cannot word what would be effective enough for him to get through his thick skull that we really are over and he really does need to leave me alone and he really does need to move on. 

Please advise ...


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

fallensoldier said:


> I can completely understand being able to detect an unhappy couple, but I was completely stunned when I found out what my family's reaction was. These are my brothers, my sisters, my mom and dad. People that I never spoke of my sex life with, we just don't go there, and the first thing that comes out of their mouths is "they have sex?!?" ... Im baffled ...
> 
> Well short update :
> 
> ...



This is the difficult part. I would suggest you send him a letter explaining to him there is no chance of R. I would follow it with if he wont stop this calling you and begging that you will block him. You can do this without being mean. My xW moved in with the other man but for some reason she felt she should still have the right to call me and have access to discuss things like we were always friends. I changed my number. I threw out ever letter she sent over through the kids right in front of them. I told her she has to write a letter in snail mail and only if it pertains to the kids. She of course wrote me a letter a month bashing me for all I had ever done to her. I would only respond to questions about the kids. It took six months. She finally stopped. I also had to have a no trespass order put on her for the house because she decided to force her way in while the kids were home and start taking things. During this time I am sure even through you feel you are done you will have some times of weakness. You just have to stay strong. As long as your descent and straight forward you will probably come out of this clean. 

Clay


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't reply to anything he says unless it's kids related. If you engage him at all he will see it as an opening, regardless of what you actually say. Tell him to stop contacting you and then ignore him. Involve the cops if you have to. I would tell you to remember that this guy is full of sh!t, but sounds like you're on top of that.
_Posted via Mobil_


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

fallensoldier said:


> I can completely understand being able to detect an unhappy couple, but I was completely stunned when I found out what my family's reaction was. These are my brothers, my sisters, my mom and dad. People that I never spoke of my sex life with, we just don't go there, and the first thing that comes out of their mouths is "they have sex?!?" ... Im baffled ...
> Please advise ...


People in a sexless marriage (at least imo) have a haunted look to them. There is a bit of sadness in their voice that's pretty easy to pick up as well




fallensoldier said:


> Well short update :
> 
> I went to our apartment when I knew he wouldnt be there today and took everything that I was able to in 2 hrs, cause I knew he'd be coming home. He comes home to most of my stuff being gone, and my phone starts going off like crazy ...


This confuses me. Whose apartment is it? I thought it was yours and you let him move in (thus becoming ours)? Tell him apartment is going away and he needs to get his own place




fallensoldier said:


> I don't mind replying to his texts, but I cannot word what would be effective enough for him to get through his thick skull that we really are over and he really does need to leave me alone and he really does need to move on.
> 
> Please advise ...


Apartment is going away - get out. That sends a pretty clear picture. You don't need anything other than that. After the baby is born, the only communication the you will need to talk to him about is the kid and that's it.


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## wannabe (Sep 29, 2013)

I've just read through your other thread (somethings up and it's not his d!ck) - and I'm sorry to say but it seems he was cheating on you for a long time already. I was always rooting for you two before I read the other thread. No more though. You're better off without him. Be strong and get those divorce papers signed ASAP. Raise your kid as best you can. You'll definitely meet someone who'll knock your socks off. Just take your time. It will happen when it happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Well, I had to reply because eventually I do have to reply, I cannot just ignore his texts and calls and think that somehow my divorce papers will fall from the sky. 

Here's what happened. Up until late last night he was texting and calling, keep in mind that I've been gone for 10 days now and haven't responded to any of his calls/texts. The texts were begs and pleads, and same empty promises. Nothing I haven't heard before. It was starting to aggravate me. And in my last post I was asking how can I let him know there's no hope for R without sounding like I always do. 

Well, I let him have it. In a text. I poured my heart out and said what has been bottled inside me for years now. And he was shocked. He replied and said that he has "woken up" and that I have "slapped him" and "brought him back to reality". He begged that I allow him the chance to make it up to me, because he thinks I atleast deserve that. Yadda, yadda, yadda. 

Stop holding your breaths, I did not give in. 

So up until last night I had no confession from him, remember I walked out because he wouldn't unlock his phone and just denied he had any relationship going on. Just "private" stuff on his phone that I don't have to see. 

After "bringing him back to reality" w my text last night, I stopped replying to everything else he was saying. I told him I was done, it's over, and told him this time I hope you understand, bc this time I understood. You're sick, you need help; and we are done. 

Well the texts went on throughout the night and started again during mid morning. He kept texting (begging and pleading) up until 4 pm. Was begging me to reply. To answer. Anything. Just to give him any hint of hope, to tell him we can R, he just wanted a sigh of relief. 

And again, I let him have it. Not as harsh as last night just honest. And I led him to believe that I know a lot more than he thinks. That I spoke to a few ppl he knows, and they spilled stuff. And he finally gave in and admitted everything. 

He's been chatting, pics, calls, sex talk, dating sites, everything, from since he returned. That was all I needed to hear. I just needed to be certain that I wasn't going nuts or paranoid and accusing him of something he hasn't really done. 

Again, I let him know it was over, told him I have no mercy or love left in me for him, I want nothing to do with him anymore, my main concern is my baby and its health and nothing else. Asked him to respect that and to end this peacefully and nothing will ever change my mind again, I was done dealing with him. I've grown up, obviously he hasn't, 

He started getting irritated, told me to plz let everything go, he will make it up to me, he will mend my broken heart, blah blah blah, told him not happening, impossible. And so he became "suicidal" and said there was no reason for him to continue living. Usually I would have reacted to something like that, but I told him that's his decision to make, can't help him, either check into a hospital or call a helpline. Gnight. 

And that was it. Haven't heard from him since. 

I think reality, as he says, might have really hit him. 

And me, I'm happy. I'm not at my happiest, but I'm at my peace. I went all in inthis relationship. I bent over backwards for this man. And he knows it. I did not lose anything. He lost everything. 

Had a docs appt today and saw my baby sucking his thumb, made me the happiest person on this planet. I don't need anyone or anything else.


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## golf4ever (Oct 30, 2013)

good too hear you are in a good place. very important for you and your baby. hang in there, keep your head up always. all you can do in life is your best.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're a strong person. I'm sure you know the suicidal thing is a desperate attempt at manipulation, it's good you didn't fall for it. I don't think you should let him have it any more, that just engages in drama and lets him think there's an opening. As long as you are upset it suggests some feelings, that's why the opposite of love is indifference. Your baby will be fine with your strength as a mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Stay strong, fallensoldier. Your H is a liar, a cheater, and he is not going to change. One of my exes used to pull the same crap he is pulling with the threats of suicide. That is emotional abuse. If he ever pulls it again, call the cops and have them take him to a psychiatric unit. This man is toxic. Get rid of him, and draw on the support of your family to get through your pregnancy. You don't need him.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

fallensoldier said:


> Stop holding your breaths, I did not give in.


I think I actually was holding my breath while reading your post. lol 

I am glad you stayed strong in this. Its very hard to do with having your heart tied into knots. 

I am amazed you actually was able to get more info out of him.

That is awesome you will have to pass along this torture technique. "Just Kidding" 

I never heard anything but it was my fault lol So good for you in getting it. It will help with closure.

Clay


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Thank you all for the love and support, it really means a great deal to me during this difficult time. 


As Satya stated, only time will penetrate my message into his thick skull. He might have gotten my point, or he might be putting on a facade right now. But from what I know of this guy, I really think he's putting on his own show and he really has come to believe that he's victim now ... funny 

A couple days ago I went to our apartment to collect the rest of my belongings. Went and saw our landlord, as our lease expires this month, I let her know that I am moving out, to remove my name from any new leases that are to be done.

When he got home he saw that there was nothing left of my belongings, and so he texted to ask "if i had collected my stuff", not the brightest tool in the shed, I said yes, I did, let him know what I had discussed with the landlord and told him I have nothing else left in apartment so I will not be "sneaking in" anymore. Again, he tried to pull out the victim card, told him to save it. He tried apologizing, he tried everything. I told him it was useless and he should have thought of these things when he saw his pregnant wife laying sad and hurt beside him in bed, he shouldn't have waited until I walked out to prove "his love to me".

He said well then, now I can sleep better at night knowing I have done my all, I tried everything in my power to get you back, I cannot force you, and well there's nothing left for me in this state. I will book a flight and leave next week, no one will know where I am, you can have our child, I want nothing to do with him, just tell him his father has died, he has no father ... blah blah blah, the entire narcissistic act ...

I told him I could not force anything on him. Told him I'd never prevent him from his child or vice versa, not for his sake, but for our child's sake because no child should ever be prevented of any parent. But, if he felt this was best for him then I respect it, like I am expecting him to respect what's best for me too.

I then sent a video of my last sonogram, baby sucking his thumb in my stomach. He said it brought him to tears. I replied and said, yes it should, what could have been more important than something this beautiful? He mistook my convo for me trying to play nice, or maybe R, and so he started his sweet talk. He then asked if he could pick me up to have lunch together, he didn't want anything, just to hang out as friends and have a friendly meal together lol. I said absoluletely not. 

I told him, I only sent that video to you for one reason. I want you to know that this time you did not only betray me. You betrayed our child as well. I said, I want you to know, If i am ever in another man's home. another man's wife, and have another man's child, if our child feels out of place, or god forbid, should be treated unequally by other man, I want you to know that is your fault, and with that; I really do hope you sleep well at night. 

Haven't heard from him since that last text. Its been two days and this is the longest he has gone without texting me since I left. My phone usually has 100+ texts from him throughout the day.

I am not anticipating his texts, I am only hoping he really did get the message.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Well it is good you are being strong. Its probably the hardest thing to do I am sure. It will get better with time. It sure did kill me to let go after I was cheated on and she ran straight to him as soon as I threw her out. That is a sting I don't think I will ever forget. 

Time has passed and I am much better. Sure there are times I would like to knock some sense into her head but I just tell my kids that is your mom and you will have to decide what you want about her. You STBxH will come to his sense about your child. I never walked away from mine. I have custody of mine. 

I am glad you are doing well. Keep up the good work and smile because it does get better. 

Clay


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Clay,

It is hard. Sometimes I find myself just waiting next to my phone waiting on a text/call from him. I know there's nothing he can possibly say that will change my mind, but we all like to think that our spouses would fight just a little bit more for us. 

When I first started discovering his affairs many years ago I would be devastated. I would lie in bed for days, unable to eat, move, think .. Etc. Now, I just want it all over with, and I regret having waited this long to get out. I told him I wasted the best years of my life waiting on you to grow up, us becoming a family didn't change you, nothing ever will. 

A few days ago my family sat me down; tried to understand the situation. The males (bros and dad) were all actually hoping we would R. They never knew the extent of our problems because I was never the type of wife that just talks to anyone or everyone about my marital issues. They started asking me qs, intimate qs, if we cuddle, how often he hugs me, how often we have sex, if he's sweet towards me, on and on, and well let's just say they were really stunned by my answers. One of my brothers actually started crying. He said I was one of the last humans on earth to deserve such treatment and they just wish I would be done with him so that someone worthy of me could make me happy someday. 

So far, I'm not thinking that far ahead. I am 28 and this man has been a part of my life for 8 years. Having a baby with him, now means he will forever be a part of my life, so I am taking this all in step by step. 

I've also been offered an amazing promotion, but if I accepted I would have had to move states for the position. Had to turn it down, with baby coming and all that I am going through, I just need to be near family and friends and at home. Can't imagine being lonely in a new state, that would make this all just way too much to handle.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Fallen,

You may not realize this but I can tell you that you are a lot stronger woman that most. Going through these things and standing tall in the midst of all this is a clear sign of how strong you are. 

Betrayal is so hard to get over with and having the rejection you went through prior to that will haunt you for a while until you rebuild you. This is your time to shine. You are now getting a chance to know you as an adult and as a mother. 

It is so nice to hear you have family and it sounds like they really care about you. Spend lots of time with them. They will help you heal like nothing else can. I was never really that close to my family to share those details was something I could not do. Maybe it has something to do with being a man and admitting you are less than a man for this. I know it sounds stupid but I had a lot of pride and It just killed me to even tell anyone. I am glad you have a good connection with your family. 

Yes sadly you will be stuck with your stbxh for a long time but as time goes on you will heal and it will be easier. Look at the bright side you walked away to better you and your baby. My mom walked away from my father when I was six months old. She had found he was cheating on her while out of town and one of his Tool Pushers came in town ahead of him and told my mom. I have always been really proud of my mom for this. I wished 

You were right not to make any really serious changes. You need this time for you and your baby. You need this time for you and your family. 

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. 

Clay


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Thank you Clay, and thank you to those that have private messaged me and are standing by me through this. 

The past two days have not been the very best for me, trying to remain strong and trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. 

One q that I might never get the answer to is "why?", I keep trying to break it down in my head, analyze his personality, and I, for the life of me, cannot come up with any answers. 

This just keeps taking a bigger toll on my self esteem, I feel inadequate, I feel like I'm less of a woman than my friends, they're always bragging about their husbands not getting enough of them, and I couldn't get him to touch me, not even hug or cuddle. Yet, with his online flings this man had the libido of a rabbit. So again, why?  

He's back to texting me, few days ago he texted to let me know that in two days (yesterday) he will be leaving my state and returning to his. Then last night he texted and said he postponed his departure for one more week, and said "your answer would be good" ... Haven't replied to any of his texts and don't intend to. Clearest thing for me through all this mayhem is that I am done with him, this time for good and nothing in the world could combine us under one roof again. 

So, just a simple rant for now. Thanks for listening. I think this thread should be moved to CWI section, no?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Posted above pic to "post a new pic of yourself" thread, thought I should at least include it in my thread too.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

fallensoldier said:


> Thank you Clay, and thank you to those that have private messaged me and are standing by me through this.
> 
> The past two days have not been the very best for me, trying to remain strong and trying not to let my emotions get the best of me.
> 
> ...



You are asking the same question we all do. Love is never easy to start with. It feels like it is at first but we put so much on the line when we open our hearts. To have that love rejected is really difficult to understand. The rejection in the bedroom for a mans stand point is really hard to understand. 

I honestly would not focus on that to much. It sound really like he had problems that you will never really understand. When I would ask my xW she would give me like 10 things of why. Then when I felt I met all the conditions it was still no. It went on for weeks at a time. I don't think I will ever really understand. The thing that I keep coming to is she had no problems being with someone else so It had to be that she just simply did not want me. 

If you are planing to stick with your guns on ending your marriage I would keep it here. If you are thinking of trying to work it out I would move it to the other section. 

Clay


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

fallensoldier said:


> View attachment 11697
> 
> 
> Posted above pic to "post a new pic of yourself" thread, thought I should at least include it in my thread too.


You are really beautiful woman. I think that clears a lot of things up. Your stbxh is the issue. Not you. 



Keep Smiling. 



Clay


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Fallen, I don't recall if I've posted much in this thread, but I've read the whole thing, sollowing along. At first I was stunned with your strngth and wondered if you were a troll. Really! (Sorry!) But as things went along, I realized this is real life unfolding, again, in front of us from your heart, and frankly I gotta say you are probably the strongest, most dead-set, sure of yourself BS I've seen here. There are a few who come close, but their situations are way more obvious while you had to take time to discover what was going on, then take decisive action. Your continuing strength is quite admirable, and as a previous poster said, you are going to be a remarkable mother. I hope you can teach that child all that you know, and that it will sink in. It gives this old guy hope for the world that there are moral, intelligent, and strong, willing people who still exist. 

God bless you and your child. And even your ex, because he needs God's blessings too.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Will update tonight and reply to everyone ... right now too anxious to think of anything, going in an hr to old apartment to plant two VARS in there. I need hard physical proof for divorce ... 

Wish me luck ... Talk later


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Boy was I rejected tonight!!*



fallensoldier said:


> Will update tonight and reply to everyone ... right now too anxious to think of anything, going in an hr to old apartment to plant two VARS in there. I need hard physical proof for divorce ...
> 
> Wish me luck ... Talk later


Hope it goes well. Be safe.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Nerves are getting the best of me and I'm still unable to get my thoughts together for replies. Woke up very anxious, w bile rising in my throat ... Going to pick up VARS in 2 hrs, as that's when he leaves for his work. 

I actually don't even know why it is that I'm nervous. I know I'm done with this relationship, so I don't know why I'm such a mess. Maybe cause this time around I never got any actual evidence, just tricked him into confessing, and I am scared of what I might actually end up hearing on that thing. Ugh. 

Again, wish me luck. Will def update once I've heard them.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Also, thanks a million everyone for the kind words and support. It means the world to me right now.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

When do you think you'll go back and pick up those VARs, Fallen? Scary thing, I imagine.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Just picked up the vars. Will update soon. 

Confused, thank you so much for your kind words. I am trying to remain as strong as possible. Off to hear the vars now ...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I hope you hear what you want to hear on those VARs... It's like opening a letter from an attorney or something. You know you have to, you just know you don't want to. But you do. Ugh.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Don't know what to say right now. At a very low point. Pray for me. Talk later.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm praying for you, young lady. Stay strong. This tests your strength; stay strong and know that this will pass. And your life will get better. It's inevitable. I know because I've been there too.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Good morning TAMers ---

Very sleepless night last night. I'm in shock and in pain. Shock because after four days of planting VARS I finally got the physical proof I've been looking for ... And in pain because I'm not the only one going through this tough time. I want to be stronger for my baby, I want to be a happy, healthy mom so that it'll reflect on my baby, but this is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me -- during what should be the happiest time of my life, and it hurts like a b!tch. 

It's also killing me to see my family going through this pain with me. My brothers are miserable, my mom is a mess, and my sisters keep crying for me. Surprisingly enough, I'm the one shedding the least tears, in front of them at least, not letting them see the extent of my pain and hurt. 

First three days of recordings nothing suspicious came up, just the norm, watching tv, listening to music, eating, drinking, talking to his fam ... 

Then the last two hrs of the recordings everything came ... He muted the tv, lit a cigarette and called his long distant "baby". She's a college student, which is sick because he's 33 years old, and from the looks of it they've been having their fling for a while now because he was very comfortable w her. Telling her he misses her, cannot wait to see her face, when they get married this and that ... Promises and lies. And then things got weird, he started asking her about what she owns, what she has, what is in her bank account, in an indirect, sick way of trying to scheme this poor, naive girl. He was telling her of the "house he found for them" that he plans to put a down payment on it this week, he "showed her pics of the place" and was asking that she helps him w the down payment so that things can be done sooner rather than later. He would pay her back, he has the money to do it all on his own but cannot withdraw such large funds from his bank acct without looking suspicious. 

Then he started asking for "more" nude pics and asking if she saw his pics. She didn't want to send nude pics and so he asked her for pics in her bra and underwear. At first she refused then he guilt tripped her into just a cute sexy pic, "nothing more". And when he got that he proceeded to have phone sex with her. 

Have more to say, a little weak now, will update the rest later ...


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

FS, I am so extremely sorry for all the pain you are in now, but, one day, in the not too distant future, you are going to be so thankful you got rid of this jerk!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Oh good Lord... what a mess he is. And she is too, or soon will be once he works his way into HER life. 
At least you know what the cure for this cancer of your heart is -- *remove it. *


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Ugh! What a horrible discovery. You are well rid of him. I feel sorry for the kid he is leading down the garden path.

Try not to bottle up your tears - your family is there for you and if you need to let it all out with them to hold you then do so. You and the baby need support and comfort right now.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Never reveal your sources. Just say "I know..." and that's it.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Have a lot of details to update still, but main info is divorce is done differently in our (WS and I's) religion. Cried a lot last night, meeting w WS, bro, dad, mom and uncle @ priests place in two hrs to start divorce procedures. So far WS is complying w everything we ask and is ready to give divorce willingly, but went to uncle n cried his @$$ off for some peacemaking last night. Uncle heard the sugar and honey of his words and was convinced this is a changed man. He came over to my place afterwards and tried to convince me to wait my decision out, especially since there's a kid between us now, and I refused. 

Now, "priest" will need to hear all details of our marriage from day 1 to see if there's any chance of R, and if not then who has wronged the other. I'm already having trouble coming out w everything to my immediate family so this is going to be he!l for me trying to explain everything in front of a sh!t load of ppl and especially w WS's presence.

Please continue praying for me, this is so, so much harder than I thought.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

My stomach is in knots and I can't stop crying, I really really don't want to see him today ...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Oh God bless you young lady, this is a difficult time. Keep your faith, keep your head, and stay true to yourself. You'll be guided by the Spirit, which will never lead you down the wrong path. This isn't a series of events of your choosing, but it has to be done. Forget about WS being there, as much as you can, and focus on how he dismantled the marriage, piece by piece. He's not remorseful; he's only recently started to see the effect on his stature with other people. Some will be snowed for a while, but springtime always comes, and snow melts.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

This is by far the most degrading, painful experience I have ever gone through. WS has turned the tables -- while at our first session of divorce procedures today, he asked for DNA testing to prove that the child is his. Shocked everyone around. I feel like I'm watching a movie. So weak and numb right now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think it's about time for the MoT (men of TAM) crew to go have a little chat with him...


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

@confused -- Yes, everyone was shocked at his crazy request. Took a lot to hold my brother back from beating the [email protected] out of him ... I just didn't know how to react, my jaw dropped and I had to leave the room for a few mins ...


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

How he can think this will help his case is beyond me. 
Go ahead, have the test done. Then sue him for defamation. 
OK that may not be good advice. But damn, I want to give him back that pain he just visited on you. 
Grrrrrr

Raise your head high, sister, and don't EVER let him see you even flinch. 
You can cry and lose it in private, but in front of him, never let him see you even get a hair out of place. 
Expect more crappy tricks. Anticipate. Don't react. Just tell him if he wants these things done, he can pay for them, and for the delays in the process that come from it. 

What an asshat.


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

I know how you feel. I feel bad for you, but try not to take it personally. You should try to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel and why he said no. After a few days, when you calm down, have a rational and calm talk to him about this.


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## sunhunter (Sep 4, 2013)

He didn't had a clue how much he was hurting you when he was doing his selfish thing. When you left - he was hurt. Then he tried everything to convince you that he could be the man you deserve (but his talk is/was cheap). 

So now he's just trying to get even and hurt you (again) and make you weak. If someone's weak, they give in much easier and make bad decisions ... that's his strategy.

So keep your focus because his side will make this an ugly, emotional battle. Stay strong, calm, powerfull and don't lower yourself to his level. See his game and be on top of it. 

My thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your baby.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Should be further evidence that everything is all about him. Try not to let it bother you; it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Well, to sum it up yesterday just sucked. I hate going through these emotions while pregnant, this should be a happy time for me ...

Yesterday at the priests place, priest first met w me, heard my story in private and then asked a lot of qs. How long this has been going on, do I still love him, has there been any PA, any revenge affairs .. Etc etc. and then he sat w him in private. Heard everything he had to say and after that was over priest asked if I would be able to sit with all together in a private room. I immediately started crying at the thought of being in the same room as him, and nearly had an anxiety attack. Priest, uncle and family asked that I hold it together, stay strong, the sooner I sit w him the sooner this will all be done and I'll have my divorce. 

So after I calmed a bit they brought him in and priest started preaching about infidelity and the consequences infidelity has not only on WS and BS, but everyone that relates to both of us as well; and unborn baby.

Priest called my name, ask if there's any chance for R, I said none. And then asked WS if he had anything to say. WS basically let down his wall and expressed his feelings for me. How much of an a$$ he has been, how much he loves me, he cannot live without me, can't imagine life without us as a family, the whole nine yards. 

Priest then again asked what I thought of his words; how I felt, and I told him as sweet as it sounds to your virgin ears and as remorseful as he seems, I've heard this joke a million times and never again. Priest tried to fix things bw us because of the baby we will now have together and my family all stood aside and said that was my decision to make, whatever I decide they are behind me 100% of the way. I decided no, but then priest proposed the idea of giving him 4 mths to show he's a changed man. If I am not happy during those four months, I shall return to him and he will continue w divorce procedures. He then asked WS to write a check to me, in the amount that he deemed fair, for all the pain that he has put me through. WS did it on the spot. Priest then went on to bash him for what he has done to me. Told him he salutes me for the kind of wife I have been for 5 years. That no wife would put up with this crap, and by requesting divorce I have not failed in my marriage, I have succeeded as one of the best wives he's ever come to know, and only husband has failed. 

Priest then asked WS to get up, walk to me, and make up for what he's done, call it truce and see what happens for the next 4 mths. I then refused. Told him not to come near me and I will not ever be his wife again. 

Took everyone by surprise, even the priest, and it was a beautiful slap in the face for WS. That's when he realized I was serious and basically broke down and walked out. He came back inside and asked for DNA and that was just the cherry on top. 

Last night at about 12 am WS started texting me. He first started by assuring me I will get my divorce, he feels me, doesn't blame me, respects me for all that I have put up w. After I didn't reply he then proceeded to beg me to forgive him. I continued to ignore and his pleas became even more eager. For the next hr all he did was profess his love and how much he fvcked up and begged me for a chance to allow him to make up for what he's done. 

Well, I finally replied and this is what I said : 

Me: I will forgive and forget under one condition only. 

Him: anything you want, I just don't want to lose you or my baby. 

Me: We will stay separated for one more month, during that month I have the right to any online affairs that I want. W no limits to married men or unmarried men. Just Like you have been involved with single and married women. I will record everything for you. I will stop no where at their requests, pics, cams, emails, phone calls, phone sex, whatever they request from me. You've been looking for something to hold against me for 5 years. You've even questioned the DNA of our child in front of the whole world. Youve claimed that you have proof of infidelity on me. Pics, voice recordings, texts, emails and chats. Where you think that helps your case is beyond me. 

I have been able to handle 5 years of seeing this stuff from you, you should be able to handle it just once. I will use words and have convos that I would normally have with you only. So in the future if we are back together and I say that word or use that phrase or convo with you, it will trigger fire in your head that I once used those terms with another man beside you. You will have all the evidence you've ever hoped to find and I will have my peace. I want you to lose sleep like I have lost sleep for 5 years. I want you to be suspicious of me even if I am drinking water. I want you to die a little on the inside everyday. I want you to FEEL because you have never felt. Afterwards if you can look at me and forgive me then we call it truce/peace. Think of the three of us and how much of a happy family we should be together. Or did you think you can justify what you have done because you are a MAN? Real men don't do what you did. Eye for eye and tooth for tooth. This is a very small request in comparison to what you have done to me. 



Well, let's just say I haven't heard from him since  

PS: to those wondering, no I would have never gone through w the above. Just wanted to give him a very small taste of his own medicine.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, doesn't want to lose you or "his" baby, the one he just asked for a DNA test on? Now that i've said that I want to say that I tip my hat to your strength and composure, esp in the face of pressure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope that you and your baby will have a wonderful future.

Will he at least provide child support, I hope?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Well done, FS. In light of the conditions and the pressure etc., I would say you were masterful. Bravo.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Yes, he has agreed to pay child support. 

Thank you everyone for the support and kind words and prayers


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

You have so much hate and resentment for him that I do not think you will ever forgive or trust him. Call the priest and get divorced. He has been a jerk, but there are always two sides to the story. But it is clear he no longer has a place in your heart. It is done and over with, very sad.

I think you got what you wanted by putting down the conditions. But he must have concerns about you or why else would he ask for a DNA test? As I said there are always 2 sides to the story and your side puts him in extremely bad light. It would be very interesting to here his side of the story, but it really is not needed. You will never forgive him for what he has done, and it takes a person who will try to do that to even have a hope that you can remain a family. He wants to, you flat out say no unless you can screw around on him and even if you did you would still not forgive him. You would just get the satisfaction of inflicting pain upon him. 

I know when my DW who is departed and I had issues like this, both of us were not faithful. We both wanted to work it out and it it took a lot of hard work on both of our parts to stay married. But after we got over the ruff spot we had a good marriage for 20 years after that, but I doubt that is a option for you two. Not after reading your last post. 

I expect once you split this will not be a happy thing and I just hope you both keep the child as a priority and do not try to use the baby as a ploy or put into the middle of what you two are going through. That would not be fair to the baby, him or you. Good luck you are going to need it. This will take you much longer to get over than just splitting up. You and he are now forever bonded by this child married or not.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

CW she said she never intended to do that stuff, and based on what little I have gleaned from her personality here, I believe her. Is there some reason you can identify why you don't?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

CW - I have been with WS for 8 years, married for 4 and a half. In all my years of knowing him I have never so much as looked at another man. Everyone that knew us knew you could put me bw a million men and I wouldn't flinch. He truly was my world and I adored and loved him with all my being. 

Ive already notified WS that there's no need for any custody battles. I told him I will never allow him to feel any less of a father than any father in this world. He will have visitation rights as often as he pleases and I would never prevent him from his child. I have said this in front of witnesses and have signed off on it. My child is not a joke and he was not made for "tit for tat" or to be in the middle of a rage battle. I love my child with all that I am and want him to know his father, no matter who his father is. 

Yes, there is a lot of resent in me towards WS. Because he tore our dreams apart and neglected and betrayed me in a way i never thought possible. I did nothing to deserve this and he admits that. But, I have no hate in me whatsoever. None. No matter the pain I am in I will never hate him and truth be told I pity him. If I had 1% hate in me towards him, I would have never truly loved him to begin with.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> CW she said she never intended to do that stuff, and based on what little I have gleaned from her personality here, I believe her. Is there some reason you can identify why you don't?


I understand that, but he did not and may not know that now. The desire was to inflict pain, and it seems he deserved it. I have no doubt she has been a good wife. I am not going to get into a debate on this, I do not know him or her. Men cheat women cheat and both will profess in depth with all their heart they have not. My DW wife looked me in the eye and I her and said the same thing, we both were lying. 

It is a mute point, this marriage is lost. It is sad for everyone evolved.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Fallen: I just went through this thread from the first post to the last one... Heartbreaking stuff just to read, but surely a sure hell to live. I admire your strength and resolve, and can tell that you're going to come out of this just fine.

Your little baby has one seriously tough mother. Good luck to you.

SH


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Sorry. Double post for some reason. Would be much appreciated if a mod could remove. Thanks.

SH


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

How are you doing, FS?


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Hi all,

First off a big thank you for all the love and support. I will be answering to posts and private messages soon, just need to clear my head and try to remain as positive as possible. 

Divorce went through yesterday, finally. Took a lot of effort, but it happened. Will fill you all in on details later, but right now I'm just in a daze. Celebrating and mourning all at the same time.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Through the pain and disappointment, you certainly had something on Thanksgiving to give thanks for. You have a child on the way, and I, for one, am thankful to know he or she has such an intelligent, loving, wise and mature mother. That is a rarity today, from my perspective, and that raises you well above average. 

So thank *you*, FS, for being the woman that you are, and the mother you will become. 

DT


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Through the pain and disappointment, you certainly had something on Thanksgiving to give thanks for. You have a child on the way, and I, for one, am thankful to know he or she has such an intelligent, loving, wise and mature mother. That is a rarity today, from my perspective, and that raises you well above average.
> 
> So thank *you*, FS, for being the woman that you are, and the mother you will become.
> 
> DT


Thank you so much for the support DT. It really means a great deal to me. My unborn baby is making things so much easier on me. I love feeling him/her moving and swimming inside, makes me feel like I have the world in my hands.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Wow. Read this from beginning to end. 

I don't know what to say. He's an idiot and is lying to himself. 

You, are a beautiful person inside and out. Someday some man will find you and your passion irresistible.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

U.E. McGill said:


> Wow. Read this from beginning to end.
> 
> I don't know what to say. He's an idiot and is lying to himself.
> 
> You, are a beautiful person inside and out. Someday some man will find you and your passion irresistible.


Thank you. I am humbled by the amount of support and love I have been getting from all of you. Thanks again


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

It hurts now but just wait....the pain will end


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Happy day today, had my sonogram done, having a baby boy ... Can't wait until he's finally here )


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Great news! I have two boys and if there's one bit of advice I'd offer it's to keep in mind what you want in a man yourself when you're raising him. That and change the diaper quickly because he will pee in your face; I had to learn that the hard way 
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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

fallensoldier said:


> Happy day today, had my sonogram done, having a baby boy ... Can't wait until he's finally here )


That's so cool! I'm happy for you. Stay healthy and find your happiness in yourSELF so you can help him find his own. You're going to be a great mom, I'm sure of it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Glad to hear all is well with you Fallen. You have done well and come a long way since you first were posting here, and it sounds like you have moved your life in a positive and vibrant direction. Continue to take care, I'm pleased to see such a success story here. Some guy is going to be a very lucky man, which is a credit to you not holding what your ex did against all men like some who have been burnt (men and women) do to their new loves. 

Keep up the struggle!


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