# Husband and I have not talked in 5 days after a fight about getting pregnant. I need guidance.



## Roth12 (27 d ago)

I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.

The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not. 

I have told him I am not ready to get pregnant again right now. I don't think I can handle our daughter and being pregnant and that I want to wait at least a little while. I do everything around the house and for the baby which is fine with me as I'm not working right now but it would be a lot with two babies and would like our daughter to be a little older before we consider another pregnancy. He wants a big family, wants kids to be close in age, and is older then I am so he really wants to get things going.

It had gotten to the point where every time we lay down for the night he starts talking about getting pregnant and tries.to convince me. It has been exhausting. I have tried to calmly talk to him about everything and he just doesn't care. I have told him that the constant pressure is stressful and it hurts our relationship. I have told him that I am not getting pregnant right now.

We got into a big fight a few days ago. That night he started in pressuring me. I had about 3 hours of sleep and begged him to stop. He didn't so I snapped and told him to shut up and it isn't going to happen. He said his opinion should matter to and they are his kids too. I told him of course that is true but we need to be on the same page and it is a big deal. He told me I don't get to make the decision by myself and I was a selfish f**** b**** and told me it isn't about me then slammed our door. I was really upset, cried for a while and eventually went to sleep. 

We haven't talked since at all. I don't really think I have done anything wrong. I shouldn't have lost it on him but there is only so many ways I can say no. I have a non hormonal birth control appointment coming up but now I'm afraid to go, that it is going to cause round 2 of this fight and I really do not want that. I am close to just apologizing so we can get over this. I can not stand the tension. It is driving me crazy but at the same time I don't want to. Any advice on dealing with this please? All I want is to wait a while before we consider this. I wouldn't say this is the worst fight we have had but we have never not spoken for this long. This is clearly important to him and a part of me does feel guilty.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


Wow, that's a tough read. I'm sorry you're being treated like this. Your husband is an a$$.

You two have GOT to get on the same page here and it starts _outside_ the bedroom. If you can't approach the subject in the light of day then try to get him to a counselor. You need to have an impartial 3rd party to help communicate and to help him come to terms with the _mutal decision_ parts of this issue.

Why is he so hell-bent on another kid right now?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Roth12 said:


> He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.


first of all you need time to heal and you need time to get used to the life changing impact on your life ,
I know some can have baby after baby but most need time for their body to rebuild , 
I have seen in my own family , Mother became pregnant days after her wedding she had a second child just 11 months later and her third child was born 10 months later without skin or very light skin from not having the time to recover , 

now while that is just an example of what can happen , 
you r husband needs to learn how to communicate , 
and it would be interesting to see how he is acting as a daddy and helping you out


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s out of line.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I wouldn't have more kids with this guy, ever. 😔 And I'd be seeking legal advice on your own. Sounds like this is bordering into emotional abuse (calling you names, slamming doors, etc), and the fact that you're walking on eggshells, and becoming afraid of your husband, isn't probably how you envisioned marriage. Don't allow him to pressure you into getting pregnant again so soon. Men like this don't just magically ''get better'' and start learning how to communicate. They get worse.

I do hope things get better, but don't make big life decisions based on what will only make him happy. You both have to be on the same page.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Did you discuss how many children and spacing between children before you got married? If yes, than that’s the starting point of the discussion. 

Since H is acting like a spoiled brat, you need to start by apologizing for loosing your temper, and then clearly explain why you don’t want another child right now. Make a list. What’s the difference between now and waiting a year? Then ask him the same questions? If you can come to any compromis, then suggest some counseling. (I’m willing to bet he won’t go). After this discussion you really need to think is this the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Is this really the type of person you want to be the father of your children? Get some counseling for yourself so you can explore the answers to these questions. 

DO NOT GET PREGNANT NOW. There appears to be many issues with your marriage. It also appears that the main reason you got married is because you were pregnant.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This may be darker and more sinister than a couple not agreeing on when to have the next child.

Let’s go back to the very beginning, why was a 31 year man hustling a 22 year old?

And what were the circumstances surrounding the unexpected pregnancy? Did he slip the condom off while you weren’t looking? Did he pressure or manipulate you to have unprotected sex when you weren’t on birth control? Did he say he would pull out and then didn’t? 

Did he get you drunk or high and have unprotected sex with you when your ability to assert boundaries was compromised?

Does he make lots of promises for which he doesn’t follow through or deliver?

does he use pressure, manipulation, fits of anger, threats and passive aggressiveness (ie the “cold treatment”, not talking etc) to get his way? 

Having a fit and acting like a spoiled child about getting pregnant 4 months after deliver is insane.

I don’t think this is about family planning at all.

i think it is about control and possessiveness and dominance. Keeping women barefoot and pregnant and dependent is a form of control and possessiveness.

this likely goes clear back to a man in his 30s hitting on a 21 or 22 year old.

it’s not because she was skinnier and prettier and sweeter than than age-appropriate woman close to his age, It is because a young woman didn’t have the life-experience and wisdom to see he is manipulative and controlling.

there are the guys that are or that can quickly become abusive and potentially even dangerous.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd be getting ready to exit the marriage.

Life will not be pleasant with this man. 

You are breeding stock to him. It's actually disgusting and disturbing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


Ok so first. Do you two ever talk about this while not in bed?

Second it sounds like you were aware he wanted a big family. Did you two not talk about kids before marrying?

Third, why the heck are you dating someone 9 years older? While there is nothing inherently wrong with it, it is a red flag. Why couldn't he find someone his own age? His age is going to create a urgency about kids.

Fourth, yes both of you should have input into having kids. But neither should be able to 'force' a child. Children deserve to have both parents on board when they are conceived. FWIW if you are going to have a second child now is the time to do it from a timing stand point. IF you get much farther apart they will never be much closeness between them. I only had one child but we almost stair-stepped and looking back I almost wish I would have. You are tired and exhausted being a stay at home mom. Have you discussed with your husband how he could help make it less tiring and exhausting? When he's off can he get up with the child and let you sleep in? Just because you are a stay at home mom this doesn't relieve him of still contributing to the house and childcare. Sure you get the bigger load but you are not on duty 24/7 while he works his 40 hours. Take some time to yourself.

Fifth, all that being said above.... I would recommend you really look at your relationship. I've seen these age gap marriages work out well and also work out very poorly. Usually poorly when the older man has picked a young woman specifically to have a power imbalance. To be the wise one who gets to decide everything and have a wife appliance. Sure they 'love' their wives right up until the wives mature a little and stop being so compliant. I wouldn't have more children until you do a deep introspection. On the other hand you say your marriage is good (is that because you've played your part?). But if it is truly good and you can discuss how to make your life more manageable and you knew he wanted a big family then you owe it to your marriage to consider another child. BOTH ages must be considered. while you have 13 more years to have children. If you waited 13 more years he'd be 65 when his child is graduating high school that's when people are supposed to be having grand children.

If you were the 34 year old you'd be bumping up against the time clock of fertility and I'm sure you'd want your partner to consider that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> you
> Third, why the heck are you dating someone 13 years older? While there is nothing inherently wrong with it, it is a red flag. Why couldn't he find someone his own age? His age is going to create a urgency about kids.


You may want to review your math but yes when men in their 30s hit on women in their teens-early, it’s usually not because those Gil’s are so much prettier and skinnier but rather because they are easier to manipulate and control and pull the wool over their eyes.

And because women their own age have wisened up and can see them for what they really are and can spot their bullcrap a mile away and won’t touch them with a ten foot pole.

men in their 30s also know where babies come from and know how birth control works.

it’s bad enough when a hormonally challenged and impulsion 19 year knocks up his young girlfriend.

But a 33 year old man??? No, that was likely an intentional act to get her dependent on him and so she wouldn’t leave.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Why are all these posts so anti the guy? He wants more kids, she doesn't. It's obviously something he really wants, close to a deal breaker. The name calling is out of line, but if he just up and left would that be more 'acceptable'? 

He's allowed to be upset by this. Maybe he's handling it poorly, but maybe it REALLY upsets him and is something he placed near the top of his list.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

He can want more kids all he wants but that doesn't give him the right to act like a spoiled child when he doesn't get his way. I'm glad you love him & your daughter but somebody has to be the adult in this relationship & it's clearly not going to be him. Talk to him about whatever spacing you need for the next child & then hope he shuts up.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Looks like the cradle robber wants to do all of his breeding before he's too old to chase kids around. Tough spot seeing as how your still pretty much a kid yourself. Tell him to p*ss off and let you heal and bond with your current baby


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn’t accept that he isn’t the one who determines the spacing and he isn’t likely to. He’ll probably continue to pressure you until you give in. Hopefully, the two of you agree on the number because that has the potential to be another big problem. I think you’re in for a very difficult life with him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DamianDamian said:


> Why are all these posts so anti the guy? He wants more kids, she doesn't. It's obviously something he really wants, close to a deal breaker. The name calling is out of line, but if he just up and left would that be more 'acceptable'?
> 
> He's allowed to be upset by this. Maybe he's handling it poorly, but maybe it REALLY upsets him and is something he placed near the top of his list.


I don't think people would be so "anti-guy" if the guy wasn't an old creep who knocked up, married, and now wants to make a younger woman his broodmare.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


Your husband can benefit from understanding the benefits of *birth spacing* and *family planning*.

You should try to convince your husband to seek FAMILY PLANNING COUNSELING with you.

Both of you can also benefit from being nice to each other.

You can schedule appointment for FAMILY PLANNING COUNSELING for the two of you in following link:









Family Planning Counseling: The Incredible Benefits of Planning Your Family - Community Health Network - Blog


Do you want to have children? Do you want the suburban home and an insane minivan? You get this question a lot. There is often a lot of focus on the question, but not the planning. It may be hard to think of children as something to plan for like you plan to buy a house, go on vacation, or...




mychn.org





Push for it and see how it goes.



oldshirt said:


> This may be darker and more sinister than a couple not agreeing on when to have the next child.
> 
> Let’s go back to the very beginning, why was a 31 year man hustling a 22 year old?
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with a woman marrying a man in her early 20s - a woman of this mindset is a keeper in my view.

Although many would settle for less Age Gap in a relationship (Me also), I am aware of couples with 10+ years Age Gap doing fine in my lifetime. Mental Maturity matters much more than Age Gap for sustaining a marriage IMHO.

There is no set age for achieving Mental Maturity for a human being. It comes from good guidance and experience. OP's husband seems to be lacking in Mental Maturity aspect, and is in need of good guidance as suggested above.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

That fight didn't go well.... have you ever provided an estimated timeline of when you will be ready?

Seems like you needed to come to some sort of agreement on that piece to have avoided this.

His behavior was over the top for sure and now likely put the whole thing in jeopardy.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

DamianDamian said:


> Why are all these posts so anti the guy? He wants more kids, she doesn't. It's obviously something he really wants, close to a deal breaker. The name calling is out of line, but if he just up and left would that be more 'acceptable'?
> 
> He's allowed to be upset by this. Maybe he's handling it poorly, but maybe it REALLY upsets him and is something he placed near the top of his list.


I understand the more kid desire and went through something very similiar with my wife. But their 1st kid is only 4 months old, I bet a doctor would even be saying it is too soon.... so way too much pressure on his part too quickly... if he was being reasonable, he would be asking when she thinks would be a good time and then negotiate that piece.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


He sounds like a nut. I'm sorry to hear you're madly in love with him and can't live without him because I don't think he's a good equitable partner. He doesn't care what you want. Get yourself on birth control.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Nothing wrong with a woman marrying a man in her early 20s - a woman of this mindset is a keeper in my view.
> 
> Although many would settle for less Age Gap in a relationship (Me also), I am aware of couples with 10+ years Age Gap doing fine in my lifetime. Mental Maturity matters much more than Age Gap for sustaining a marriage IMHO.
> 
> There is no set age for achieving Mental Maturity for a human being. It comes from good guidance and experience. OP's husband seems to be lacking in Mental Maturity aspect, and is in need of good guidance as suggested above.


The issue is not necessarily about age.

it’s about power dynamics and control. 

you have to look at the bigger picture and read the signs.

A man essentially a decade older in his 30s was hitting on a woman barely out of her teens.

but it doesn’t stop there. Then we have a 32-33 year old man that knows where babies come from and knows how birth control works that knocks her up in an unplanned pregnancy.

she reports relationship has had “ups and downs” which is euphemism for problems in the relationship.

and now he is pressuring her and having rages and emotionally abusive and passive aggressive behavior that she does not want to get knocked up AGAIN AT FOUR MONTHS 😳

add all that up and this is not a healthy, power balanced, collaborative agreement between two people of equal agency who happen to have a 9 year age difference.


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## californiawaverider (2 mo ago)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but your husband is only thinking of what he wants at this moment. He is not considering your feelings and tribulations by recently giving birth. I hope you both talk things cordially (easier said and done). I myself also have problems with my SO with communication. I'm more calm and like to communicate effectively she's opposite she tends to get Nasty, Stonewall, Silent Treatment, Sailor's Mouth, sometimes walks away.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Your husband can benefit from understanding the benefits of *birth spacing* and *family planning*.
> 
> You should try to convince your husband to seek FAMILY PLANNING COUNSELING with you.


That all sounds fine on paper but the issue is the husband’s behavior and his treatment of the OP.

He is not uninformed or unaware of the family planning process.

He is badgering and pressuring and coercing the OP into an unwanted pregnancy and burdening her with a pregnancy while she has a very young infant and that could even threaten her health.

This is coercive and abusive behavior, not lack of information on family planning.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

After 4 months of having my large first child I was barely sitting down again without pain. My advise is to wait at least a year before you start trying again.
My first 2 were 2 1/2 years apart and that worked well.

Like some here I don't see an issue with a 9 year age gap, one of the happiest marriages I know had a 10 years gap and they met in her late teens, he sadly died last year in his mid 70's.

However putting so much pressure on you and calling you that foul name is unacceptable and there is no way you should have to say sorry when it was him who caused the issue.

Has he said how many children he wants and are you ok with that?

I would recommend some marriage counselling.


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

Going to try to respond to everyone and thank you for the responses

I told him I want to wait until baby is at least 1 year. He says I would be pregnant for almost a year and he thinks waiting a year to start trying is too long and I would have 9 months to prepare. From my understanding, one year is recommended to reduce risk. He wants a big family and kids to be close in age. The biggest reason for him pushing so hard is his age. I love kids and want them but I do want time to adjust. This has been a huge change for both of us. 

I know the age gap seems a little weird. It was kind of weird at first. We met through mutual friends and got together. It was a first for both of us and neither of us were seeking it out. The only conversations we had about having a family before I got pregnant is that we both wanted it eventually. I was on the pill since I was 15 and wanted to try something else that didn't mess with my hormones. I wanted to go a few months with no birth control to see how I felt and we used condoms during this time. We both thought it would be fine but here we are.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Roth12 said:


> Going to try to respond to everyone and thank you for the responses
> 
> I told him I want to wait until baby is at least 1 year. He says I would be pregnant for almost a year and he thinks waiting a year to start trying is too long and I would have 9 months to prepare. From my understanding, one year is recommended to reduce risk. He wants a big family and kids to be close in age. The biggest reason for him pushing so hard is his age. I love kids and want them but I do want time to adjust. This has been a huge change for both of us.
> 
> I know the age gap seems a little weird. It was kind of weird at first. We met through mutual friends and got together. It was a first for both of us and neither of us were seeking it out. The only conversations we had about having a family before I got pregnant is that we both wanted it eventually. I was on the pill since I was 15 and wanted to try something else that didn't mess with my hormones. I wanted to go a few months with no birth control to see how I felt and we used condoms during this time. We both thought it would be fine but here we are.


Did you ever have unprotected sex, or did a condom fail?


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you ever have unprotected sex, or did a condom fail?


We always used a condom during this time and no issues with them as far as I know.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you talking now?


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

snowbum said:


> Are you talking now?


No. He is at work so I'm going to try to talk to him when he gets home I guess.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Never get pregnant when you are not ready for another baby. It is unfair for him to demand this without giving you a year or so to adjust to the new baby. Don't allow him to make you into a breeding machine. Once you have enough kids that working outside the home no longer makes sense, he is going to control you in ways that you never thought he would.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Roth12 said:


> We always used a condom during this time and no issues with them as far as I know.


How did you get pregnant then? Condoms are pretty much 100% effective unless they are used improperly. Maybe I'm way off base, but could he have done something to get you pregnant?


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

Openminded said:


> He doesn’t accept that he isn’t the one who determines the spacing and he isn’t likely to. He’ll probably continue to pressure you until you give in. Hopefully, the two of you agree on the number because that has the potential to be another big problem. I think you’re in for a very difficult life with him.


They're married are they not? I would imagine the family planning a would be a mutual thing. As neither can pop out a child asexually

But yeah op I imagine sitting with him and expressing out each other's expectations and laying out a plan is better than harassing and dismissing each other.


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How did you get pregnant then? Condoms are pretty much 100% effective unless they are used improperly. Maybe I'm way off base, but could he have done something to get you pregnant?


All of this has made me kind of wonder but surely to god no I hope


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is such a hard one. When someone wants a kid they are RELENTLESS. My wife was like this in the beginning too - I wanted to wait 3 years after marriage and she wanted a kid immediately. I eventually relented after 1 year, but we had CONSTANT talks about it - like it was all she could think about. 

But I get it, it's super powerful and it's why we survive as a species. Some people just have this need.

In your shoes, you need to figure out some compromise on timing, and then make him agree not to bring it up before then.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Real talk said:


> They're married are they not? I would imagine the family planning a would be a mutual thing. As neither can pop out a child asexually
> 
> But yeah op I imagine sitting with him and expressing out each other's expectations and laying out a plan is better than harassing and dismissing each other.


That assumes compromise and there are lots of people who don’t want to do that.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Would it be correct to say you’ve done whatever he’s asked before this? Ignoring someone for almost a week is abusive


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

snowbum said:


> Would it be correct to say you’ve done whatever he’s asked before this? Ignoring someone for almost a week is abusive


I can be a pushover as I hate conflict but it hasn't been that serious unlike this situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> . The biggest reason for him pushing so hard is his age. I


No it’s not. Age does not cause coercive and abusive behavior - bad character does.

He is not old and has several decades of fertility ahead of him.

i had my first a few weeks before I turned 38 and my second at 40.

I wouldn’t recommend it but men have fathered children into their 70s and even 80s.

being 34 is no excuse for being coercive and badgering and abusive.


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> No it’s not. Age does not cause coercive and abusive behavior - bad character does.
> 
> He is not old and has several decades of fertility ahead of him.
> 
> ...


We were never in a hurry until we had our baby and I think something flipped when we did. I think he realized he wants a big family and wished he would not have waited.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> I can be a pushover as I hate conflict but it hasn't been that serious unlike this situation.


Hence why a man in his 30s Would be getting with a girl in her early 20s, they are more compliant and capitulating than a more mature, confident and experienced woman.

However this is the hill to die on. This is a big deal. This is a life-impacting and life-changing event not only for you but your daughter and potential future child. This could even effect your long term reproductive health.

coercing and pressuring you to conceive another child with a 4 month old is not reasonable or appropriate under any circumstance.

i know you don’t see it now, but in 10 years you will understand completely why mature, experienced women wouldn’t have him and why he went after a 22 year old and you will be one of these mature women urging young 20somethings to run and not have more babies with these guys.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> We were never in a hurry until we had our baby and I think something flipped when we did. I think he realized he wants a big family and wished he would not have waited.


has he been telling you these things or are you guessing or assuming those are his reasons?


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> has he been telling you these things or are you guessing or assuming those are his reasons?


He didn't say he regretted waiting but did say he wished we would have started earlier and wants to have them all before he is forty. I think we still have time and don't need to rush in so soon.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How many does he want?


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

Openminded said:


> How many does he want?


3-4


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Roth12 said:


> 3-4


If he wants that all completed before he turns 40 that’s two/three more in roughly five or six years. Two more in that timeframe is certainly doable. Three more could be doable, depending on spacing. But that’s assuming everything goes well in the process — quick pregnancies, no miscarriages, etc. I had a very easy first pregnancy and then a first trimester miscarriage the next time. You never know.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> All of this has made me kind of wonder but surely to god no I hope


While condoms are not 100% effective I used them exclusively my entire child bearing years and only had 1 planned child. So you get pregnant on an effective form of birth control by a man who wants to pop out lots of babies is suspicious.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The way your husband spoke to you and how he is treating you now is called abuse. He is treating you badly, so he can get his own way, yet, “He told me I don’t get to make the decision by myself and I was a selfish f** b****.” This is illogical. You two should be making these decisions together, but when you say you’re not ready, he tries to coerce you into doing what he wants and then pulling a DARVO on you. (Deny Accuse Reverse Victim and Offender) He is the one trying to make a unilateral decision, not you. This is a manipulation tactic. If you give in, he will always know that all he has to do is abuse you and you’ll cave into his desires. That’s not a healthy marriage by any stretch.

If you two space your children out by two years, he should be able to have four children around when he turns 40. Having children without any rest period can take a toll on your body that you may not be able to recover from. If you are breastfeeding full time and feeding at night, your children will likely be spaced about two years apart, which is good. However, that is not always the case. Are you breastfeeding? (edited to clarify)

Despite this, you are not in a position to get pregnant right now. Your husband is not seeking unity with you. He doesn’t have your back. He is behaving in a controlling and manipulative manner. This is not what marriage is for. Marriage is for two people to have each other’s backs 100% and work to resolve differences as you go. Trying to force your spouse into doing something that they believe is bad for them, or against their conscience, is a form of marital desertion. He is not there with you and for you. He has abandoned you until you give into to his desires.

My recommendation is that you tell him that his horrible behavior isn’t going to convince you of anything good. He needs to get himself together, apologize, and be willing to work together immediately. Do not back down on this. If he escalates, be prepared to flee with your child. If he scares you, call 911.



lmucamac said:


> Since H is acting like a spoiled brat, you need to start by apologizing for loosing your temper, and then clearly explain why you don’t want another child right now.


Are you kidding! He was mistreating her and she finally got angry. From what she’s said, she wasn’t calling him names or trying to fight with him. The person who should be apologizing here is the husband, not the OP. IMO, apologizing will only add fuel to his fire and make him feel justified in his abhorrent behavior.



oldshirt said:


> The issue is not necessarily about age.
> 
> it’s about power dynamics and control.
> 
> ...


I’m not against large age gaps. I’ve known some people in strong marriages where there were large age gaps. However, that does seem to be a factor in this situation and I think that @oldshirt has a point.


BigDaddyNY said:


> How did you get pregnant then? Condoms are pretty much 100% effective unless they are used improperly. Maybe I'm way off base, but could he have done something to get you pregnant?


Condoms are one of the least effective forms of birth control. They are better than nothing, but are only about 82% effective. This means that out of 100 people who use them over a period of a year, 18 women will become pregnant. How Effective Are Condoms? | BirthControl
Sex is designed to cause pregnancy. Any attempt to stop this from happening is fighting against the body's natural function to create another human. I've known people to get pregnant while properly using various forms of birth control, including the pill and IUD. Blaming someone for getting pregnant while using birth control is silly. The only thing that is 100% effective is abstinance. I'm not against birth control. I'm just saying that nothing is 100% effective.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> While condoms are not 100% effective I used them exclusively my entire child bearing years and only had *1 planned* child. So you get pregnant on an effective form of birth control by a man who wants to pop out lots of babies is suspicious.


Do you mean unplanned?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Op I misread. Your child is only 4 months! And he’s been badgering before this. No just no. Also do you want 4 kids? It appears you two didn’t discuss this before marriage.

Do you plan on being a stay at home and dependent on him? That doesn’t sound like a good idea. He would most likely use it to control you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Cynthia said:


> Do you mean unplanned?


Nope. We planned our child. Stopped using condoms and got pregnant when planned. Condoms worked every single time.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> Condoms are one of the least effective forms of birth control. They are better than nothing, but are only about 82% effective. This means that out of 100 people who use them over a period of a year, 18 women will become pregnant. How Effective Are Condoms? | BirthControl
> Sex is designed to cause pregnancy. Any attempt to stop this from happening is fighting against the body's natural function to create another human. I've known people to get pregnant while properly using various forms of birth control, including the pill and IUD. Blaming someone for getting pregnant while using birth control is silly. The only thing that is 100% effective is abstinance. I'm not against birth control. I'm just saying that nothing is 100% effective.


When used properly condoms are better than 98% effective. 82% got pregnant when condoms were their only reported form of birth control. That doesn't mean they used it correctly or even put it on. That was my point. If she has been using them correctly then it is highly unlikely to get pregnant. Unless of course something wasn't right with the condoms.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cynthia said:


> I’m not against large age gaps. I’ve known some people in strong marriages where there were large age gaps. However, that does seem to be a factor in this situation and I think that @oldshirt has a point.



sometimes things are only a factor when they occur in the presence of other factors and within the context of other dysfunctions.

to put it another way, if they had a very collaborative and balanced relationship and he showed consistent respect and compassion and allowed her free agency over her own fertility and treated her with dignity and respect and they had had heart to heart discussions prior to getting married about family and kids etc….. and they had gotten married and planned their first child and he was being respectful of her wishes and recovery etc. - I would agree that the age difference was probably not an issue.

But as more factors and more incidents gets added to the situation, the index of suspicion rises exponentially.

Now we have an UNplanned pregnancy and resultant marriage.

we have her report of problems in the marriage and that she has a history of capitulation to avoid conflict with him typically getting his way.

And we have a completely unreasonable demands that she immediately get pregnant again against her wishes and against conventional medical advice.

And most importantly, when she states her position of want to wait until a safe and reasonable time to get pregnant, he goes into rages (slamming doors) becoming verbally abusive and passive aggressive and giving her the cold shoulder for multiple days.

So in the backdrop of all these other issues and factors, it states to reason that he was probably also predatory and exploitive in getting with a much younger woman.

As I said earlier, this is not about family planning and it is not about age difference.

This is about power dynamics and control and dominance.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Condoms are very effective WHEN USED PROPERLY.

The failure rate is largely due to operator error.

Especially if the operator pokes holes in them or slips it off when the other isn’t looking.

And as I noted in my post above, the index of suspicion rises with each additional indicator of bad behavior.

if he were a good supportive and respectful guy that supports her agency and is collaborative and cooperative in their family planning together, I would give the benefit of doubt and assume that it was part of the failure rate of condoms.

But given all these other factors and indicators of his character and behavior, I am suspect that this pregnancy was not an “accident.”


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

I am breastfeeding. I am not opposed to 3 kids eventually but the minimum I'm going to get pregnant is one year. I'm not going to go against a doctors advice no matter what he says. I know it would most likely be fine but still. I am eventually going to go back to work. I'm not sure when and I am not in a rush. I can't believe we haven't talked in 5 days. I think it is ridiculous. I didn't think it would go that far.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> I am breastfeeding. I am not opposed to 3 kids eventually but the minimum I'm going to get pregnant is one year. I'm not going to go against a doctors advice no matter what he says. I know it would most likely be fine but still. I am eventually going to go back to work. I'm not sure when and I am not in a rush. I can't believe we haven't talked in 5 days. I think it is ridiculous. I didn't think it would go that far.


It is ridiculous that you haven't talked in 5 days. Have you said hello and he refused to answer or are you both playing chicken to see who goes first?


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> It is ridiculous that you haven't talked in 5 days. Have you said hello and he refused to answer or are you both playing chicken to see who goes first?


I have tried to bring up unrelated things about baby or someone we know, things like that but be ignores me or is passive aggressive so I stopped trying.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You are being abused. The fact he won’t talk to you is nuts.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


This isn't that uncommon of an issue especially with age gaps. It is often a good case for marriage counseling to help with the negotiation. 

Things to consider if there are going to be 3+ young kids. 

You will likely be more comfortable with a smaller gap between the 2nd and 3rd because you will feel a bit more comfortable and have more routines in place.

He will need to start helping out with the kids and household a bit if he wants a bunch of kids all close together. 

You don't really want 3 kids in diapers at the same time. 

You need to negotiate not only how soon you have more, but also what his roll in home support he will have. My wife and I both worked, I can fall back to sleep after getting up and out of bed so with our second once we went to bed my wife never got up when our daughter would wake up to feed in the middle of the night I would get up get the baby, bring her to my wife my wife would feed her lying on her side, when done I would take her back to her room and get her back to sleep and go back to bed. Little things like that so during the day when you're home alone with the herd you have more energy. 

Our experience was the first was more stressful and overwhelming than having the second even though our son wasn't 2 yet when our daughter was born. Once you've had one child for a year or so you have enough experience to be able to handle things easier. 

Getting pregnant too soon after giving birth can be risky you are correct there. This would be a good reason to bring your husband to an OBGYN appointment with you. 

How many kids does your husband consider a big family? You could have comfortable but close spacing and be done having 4 kids by the time he's 41. 

There should be a mutually acceptable compromise here that is easy to find. You two are going to have to talk about it to find that compromise.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Now it's becoming clear why he sniffed out someone so much younger. OP, I know you don't think the age gap matters but it absolutely does. I was married to someone much older so I know it matters.

Nine years would be less of an issue if you were in your 30's but at your age its a lot.

A women his age would've already told him to **** himself. You are a baby factory to him and he cares not one iota about your wants or even your well bring. You have 9 months to "prepare"? What an ignorant ****...clearly someone with no idea what's actually involved in having and taking care of a baby. 

He bullies you regularly and called you a ****ing ***** and here you are contemplating apologizing to HIM?

I'd rethink this marriage. You're not working and are married to a nasty bully. If you knock out a couple more you'll be thar much more dependent on him. The fact that he "wants" 3-4 before he's 40 doesn't mean you need to be his brood mare.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are four months post partum and a nursing mom. He deprived you of sleep to manipulate you. Causing sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. It can also cause problems with your ability to produce milk and nurse, along with other factors.
Please do not take responsibility for his anger. It's not your fault. He is angry because he's not getting his own way, not because you did something wrong.



Roth12 said:


> I am breastfeeding. I am not opposed to 3 kids eventually but the minimum I'm going to get pregnant is one year. I'm not going to go against a doctors advice no matter what he says. I know it would most likely be fine but still. I am eventually going to go back to work. I'm not sure when and I am not in a rush. I can't believe we haven't talked in 5 days. I think it is ridiculous. I didn't think it would go that far.


Have you looked into childcare rates? If you have 2-3 more children within the next six years, you will have childcare expenses that will probably eat up your entire paycheck. It's very difficult to have several children and a career. There are many factors to consider when planning a family. These are things that the two of your should be considering together. Think about what it will be like staying home with a demanding, abusive man and many small children to care for without a way to support them. I'm concerned for you. This is coming from a stay at home mother of three. I homeschooled them all the way through and never went back to work. I am happy with my choice, but if you were my daughter, I'd be highly concerned for you, as he seems to be maneuvering you into a trap.


Roth12 said:


> I have tried to bring up unrelated things about baby or someone we know, things like that but be ignores me or is passive aggressive so I stopped trying.


I wouldn't bother with this anymore. I'd confront him and tell him that you are not going to continue to put up with this behavior. Is there anywhere safe you can go to stay until he repents or, if not, you are able to leave him?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Roth12 said:


> I have tried to bring up unrelated things about baby or someone we know, things like that but be ignores me or is passive aggressive so I stopped trying.


Yep you really need to rethink this relationship.

How about you don't make him anything for dinner. Don't do his laundry. Hand him your daughter around 11 am and say thanks for caring for your daughter, I'm going shopping I'll be back in 4 hours.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re getting a good idea of what happens when he’s really angry about not getting his way.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> You’re getting a good idea of what happens when he’s really angry about not getting his way.


Except I expect this actually is him when he's only mildly angry. I think you'll see more name calling, threatening of money and other things when he gets really upset.

Also remember these types normally slowly wrap the prey up so the prey doesn't know they are being bound until it's too late. He's on a few months into marriage. I suspect it will be much worse in 4-5 years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Except I expect this actually is him when he's only mildly angry. I think you'll see more name calling, threatening of money and other things when he gets really upset.
> 
> Also remember these types normally slowly wrap the prey up so the prey doesn't know they are being bound until it's too late. He's on a few months into marriage. I suspect it will be much worse in 4-5 years.


I agree. I wouldn’t want to have several children with someone like him — not to mention not be able to support myself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Roth12, you may think we are overrreacting, but I don't think we are. The behaviors that your husband is exhibiting are serious red flags and things that you need to be aware of before you find yourself in a terrible situaiton.
These are all abusive:
depriving you of sleep
yelling at you
calling you names
demanding that you do what he wants, then calling you controlling (that's what he was saying)
refusing to interact with you or speak to you
planning out your life without your input and agreement

None of these are okay, but this is a lot.

Have your relationships with family and friends deterioriated since you got with him? Do you see your family and friends as much as you'd like, but are hindered by him in some way? Does he control all the money?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm honestly trying to figure out why you'd want to have more children with a man who treats you this way!


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


If it were me, I would cease and terminate all sexual activity immediately. .
(He is not to be trusted)

He also has anger problems.

Control problems..
All which can be underlying red flags to more serious issues, such as escalating abuse.

I personally would divorce him.

That is your body, life, and womb. Your choice only.

Not his.

You probably never should have conceived a child with him in the first place.

His aggressive, abusive, poor treatment towards you isn't nothing new.

It probably was happening while dating, but you ignored that and married him anyways.

He shouldn't have been messing with teenagers anyways.


He picked you because you're easily manipulated and controllable.

He picked you because of your lack of self esteem and your desperation.


Look at you, saying how you can't imagine living without him, even though the entire relationship or most of it he treated you like crap.


The "downs" were probably when you said "no" to him.

The "ups" were probably when you relinquished your power and caved into his demands..which probably made him temporarily "nice for him" to you.

Never should have married or had a child with him.

Definitely shouldn't stay with him.


Bad enough, you intentionally trapped and attached yourself to him for life because of the child.


He has a "thing" for young women.

It's only a matter of time before you are traded in for a "newer" younger impressionable woman..or women.


All these children he wants, but you'll be doing all of not all of the child rearing and upbringing.

That's when he would make himself unavailable and scarce.

That's when he'll start staying out late or not coming home at all...just to avoid the chaos of home.


Then when at home, you'll most likely be begging and pleading for him to pitch in,

And he'll be ignoring and avoiding most of the time..

Then he'll start cheating (if he's not already (hopefully he hasn't been))

Then he'll blame you for it and you being "too" "absorbed" in parenting that he doesn't recieve attention.



Then he'll become more bitter and angry because of the additional expenses..etc...

If you don't have more kids, he'll blame that on the cheating..


You'll be a married single parent.

You need to protect yourself and your body from him.

No means no..it doesn't mean yes.

He will tamper with things, just to get his way, if you continue the sexual activity.


You two sound highly incompatible.

Also, he doesn't respect you and is abusive.


Get out now .

Things will continuously get worse if you stay.


You are in an abusive, controlling, manipulative relationship with someone who wants to rule all over you, who doesn't care about you.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

First of all, your body your choice.

And some other thoughts:

Yes, when someone older dates someone under 25, it's often because they will benefit from the maturity difference and power imbalance. I am also suspicious about how he locked you into marriage upon getting you pregnant.

He doesn't sound like he's being a good husband or father to me. He seems to leave you to do everything around the house and for the baby. He seems to be treating you like a housekeeper/cook/nanny instead of like an equal partner in the marriage. The more kids you have, the more WORK there will be for you, while nothing changes for him. Of course he sees no problem with having many back to back children, since it's not any extra work for him. Never mind the toll that takes on your body! Does he take over anything and look after you when you get sick? Or does he still expect the same amount of work out of you? If he's not a very active and involved father, what's his motivation for all the children he wants to have?

He's not being a loving partner to you by pressuring you to have more children, calling you offensive names, and giving you the silent treatment. That's abusive behaviour right there, and very concerning. You are newlyweds who haven't even been married for a year yet. Baby aside, this is usually as idyllic as a relationship gets. You don't have that; it only gets worse from here.

A supportive, respectful and loving partner would be actively helping with the child you already have and if he still wanted another one right away despite that work, he would be saying something like "I can't wait to have more kids! Let me know when you feel ready."

This husband you've got is not doing either of those things. He's just trying to bulldoze you over to get what he wants.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> The issue is not necessarily about age.
> 
> it’s about power dynamics and control.
> 
> ...


Maybe you are better at reading individuals than me. Maybe you are on the mark.

I tend to be NEUTRAL from the get go. When any individual [irrespective of the gender] comes on this board to describe a conflict situation in a relationship and seek advice for "HOW to navigate through it," I focus on the "HOW to navigate through it" part in line with the information on hand. Just like in this thread.

People might judge the partner of any advice-seeker very harshly based on the LIMITED account of a conflict situation presented by the advise-seeker in a thread, or due to "mindset." I insist on keeping in mind the fact that the other side of the story will be missing in most of the cases. WE might not find out about HOW the advise-seeker behaves in life or handling a conflict situation in person. The advise-seeker could be seeking sympathy from strangers just to get back at his/her partner in a conflict situation? I recall a few cases in which I got the impression that the advise-seeker was equally responsible for the conflict situation if not more based on minor slip-ups when probed. But there are other cases in which I got the impression that the partner of the advise-seeker might be abusive and it might be helpful to involve Police or leave the house. But none of us are personally affected by the consequences of these decisions including the possibility of a family unit falling apart because the tempers could not be kept in check, right? The advise-seeker can be the better judge, therefore.

Coming back to your stance - You suspect that the advise-seeker's husband had an ulterior motive for marrying her in her early 20s. I find your judgement to be "very harsh." He did NOT commit a crime by marrying a 22 year old woman. It could be that he met a 22 year old woman who appealed to him with her sweet personality and the two of them hit it off. It happens.

Since many women in the (20 - 25) age bracket are busy partying and sleeping around, or not committing to a relationship, people might assume that women are typically immature in this age bracket. My take is that this is "cultural issue." I can tell from exposure to young women where I live that a 22 year old woman is absolutely capable of understanding marriage, its responsibilities, and the notion of consent. It comes down to how a woman is raised and possibly where she lives.

The issue of "power dynamics" and "control" can cut both ways in a relationship. This kind of tussle can manifest subconsciously at any point in time subject to unknown factors in a relationship. In this case, it can be helpful to seek perspective from trustworthy people (or professionals) to navigate your way through a conflict situation that you could NOT anticipate earlier.

It takes time to figure out a "abusive" person because people are COMPLEX in reality. Some people will show poor judgement in a conflict situation in comparison to others around the world. In this case, it can be helpful to involve other people to address the problem for you. But too many spoilers in Public unfortunately.

WE have additional update from the advise-seeker in this post. This update and perspective makes sense to me.

Age becomes a factor when it comes to having children. People are very likely to have a different take on this theme in their 20s in comparison to when in their 30s. But I find the advice-seeker's stance MATURE - this woman is thinking logically. The husband is not thinking logically on the other hand - he is behaving like an immature child.

But it is important for the advice-seeker to behave maturely. I advised the advice-seeker to push her husband to seek FAMILY PLANNING COUNSELING with her. He can benefit from professional perspective.

*IF* he does not come around then something else can be suggested. One step at a time.



Roth12 said:


> I am breastfeeding. I am not opposed to 3 kids eventually but the minimum I'm going to get pregnant is one year. I'm not going to go against a doctors advice no matter what he says. I know it would most likely be fine but still. I am eventually going to go back to work. I'm not sure when and I am not in a rush. I can't believe we haven't talked in 5 days. I think it is ridiculous. I didn't think it would go that far.


You are thinking logically - stick to it. Mental clarity is helpful to navigate through a conflict situation.

His behavior is "unreasonable" to put it mildly.

Now do this. Message him that you find his behavior unreasonable and unacceptable on the issue of *family planning* which is supposed to be a MUTUALLY DELIBERATED AND AGREED UPON theme. Caution him that you will be compelled to contemplate "other options" if he continues to behave like this for indefinite period. Convey to him to talk to your doctor to get some "perspective" about the benefits of *birth spacing*. Also, convey to him that you are open to FAMILY PLANNING COUNSELING with him if it comes down to it.

About time you adopt a tough posture to end his charade. There comes a time when your sweetness must not be taken for granted.

Best wishes.



Hopeful Cynic said:


> First of all, your body your choice.


No, this is extreme stance to adopt in a relationship.

Insisting on *family planning* is the right course.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Roth12 said:


> He didn't say he regretted waiting but did say he wished we would have started earlier and wants to have them all before he is forty. I think we still have time and don't need to rush in so soon.


y


Openminded said:


> You’re getting a good idea of what happens when he’s really angry about not getting his way.


Yes he is acting like a spoilt brat..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Coming back to your stance - You suspect that the advise-seeker's husband had an ulterior motive for marrying her in her early 20s. I find your judgement to be "very harsh." He did NOT commit a crime by marrying a 22 year old woman. It could be that he met a 22 year old woman who appealed to him with her sweet personality and the two of them hit it off. It happens.


I am just reading the signs and seeing where it takes us. There are too many things going on here to say that two people met and hit it off and that they just happen to have an age difference. 

When you have a cluster of multiple offenses, it's hard to give the benefit of doubt on any of the individual offenses. 

Let me give an example. Let's say a cop is driving down the street on his way to a meeting at city hall. If he encounters a car driving down the street that is within the speed limit, obeying all posted traffic laws but happens to have a registration sticker that is expired by a week or so, the chances are that cop is going to give that driver the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to the check is in the mail or the driver has the tags at home and just hasn't put on the new stickers or the cop will just pretend he didn't see expired sticker. In short, the cop does not see any threat to the public and he has more pressing things to do than worry about someone with expired tags. 

But now lets say in addition to the expired tages, now the car also has a taillight out. Now we have something that indicates that this driver may not be all that consciensous about maintaining a vehicle in proper order. Now the cop is going to take more notice. But if the driver is within the speed limit, has the vehicle under good control and is following all traffic laws and regulations, the cop may just run the plates for outstanding warrents and if that comes back clean, may still let it go if his meeting at city hall is more pressing. 

However if that driver has expired plates, a taillight out AND he is speeding. Now this person is posing a threat to the general public. He is getting pulled over and ticketed for all three offenses and the cop will be late to his meeting but everyone will understand that he needed to do his job in protecting the public. 

But now lets say that driver had expired tags, a taillight out, was speeding, squeeled his tires going around a corner, crossed the center line of the street several times and he ran a red light infront of the cop. 

Now he is not only getting pulled over, but the cop is going to call for back up, he is going to get removed from the car, detained for further investigation, put in handcuffs and locked in the back of the police until they do a thorough background check, a field sobriety test and stealthily question him in effort to determine if he was possibly fleeing the scene of another crime and his vehicle may get searched for open containers or drugs or weapons etc. 

So where I am going with all of this is with compounding offenses, the chances of one particular questionable thing being an innocent circumstance decreases and the chances of that person being of bad character and potential threat increases. 

When you add up all the things that the H is doing here, you no longer can give the benefit of the doubt that he just happened to hit it off with a 22 year old when he was in his 30s. 

When you see him acting like a spoiled brat that has to have his own way all the time without regard to her health and well being and against her wishes, you can no longer give the benefit of the doubt that her pregnancy was an "accident" or a random failure of a condom. 

When you see his coercive, manipulative and abusive behavior towards something so unreasonable as to pressure her to get pregnant against established medical guidelines thus threatening her health and well being as well as threatening the health of that future child, you have no choice but to realize he is of bad character and is posing risks to her and their family. 

In the context of all of these inappropriate behaviors as a whole, you cannot pick out one offense and chalk it up to circumstance and say that it is ok. 

This whole thing to where they got to today was a process where each link in the chain was connect to and result of the link in the chain before it. 

Because he is acting so controlling and demanding and pressuring now, indicates that sought an inexperienced and naive and pliable prey from the outset and then each intermediate step between lead to the situation at hand now.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I am just reading the signs and seeing where it takes us. There are too many things going on here to say that two people met and hit it off and that they just happen to have an age difference.
> 
> When you have a cluster of multiple offenses, it's hard to give the benefit of doubt on any of the individual offenses.
> 
> ...


I see your point, but I will not jump to a conclusion this early.

For perspective:

_We were never in a hurry until we had our baby and I think something flipped when we did. I think he realized he wants a big family and wished he would not have waited._









Husband and I have not talked in 5 days after a fight...


I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25. The pregnancy was...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





This is something that the couple did not anticipate early on. This is what I alluded to in my previous response:

_The issue of "power dynamics" and "control" can cut both ways in a relationship. This kind of tussle can manifest subconsciously at any point in time subject to unknown factors in a relationship. In this case, it can be helpful to seek perspective from trustworthy people (or professionals) to navigate your way through a conflict situation that you could NOT anticipate earlier._

Recall the thread in which a man was complaining about his wife wanting to have a baby at the age of 40? The wife was judged very harshly in it but I adopted middle ground in my posts.

People can feel very strongly about having children when they are getting older, irrespective of the gender.

Best course of action is to discuss this matter with maturity and reach an understanding on it with professional input. But people can show poor judgement on this matter. This is what I seem to gather from these type of threads.

Let's see.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Roth12 said:


> I could really use some advice on this. Husband and I have been together 3 years, got married when I was 3 months pregnant and now have a 4 month old daughter. Our relationship has always been good mostly. We have had our problems like anyone else of course. He is 34 I am 25.
> 
> The pregnancy was not planned but everything has worked out and I'm so glad I now have my daughter and I love my husband, couldn't imagine life without either of them. The pressure to get pregnant again started almost immediately after we had our daughter and could have sex again. It was mostly jokes or very sweet comments. He really wants to get pregnant again right away while I do not.
> 
> ...


Your husband is handling this all wrong.

I understand his desire but he needs to get a grip on himself because he has allowed it to become unhealthy.

You aren't wrong to draw a line and have a boundary about how he is treating you.

I wanted more children but have only had one biologically.

My wife really wishes she would have given me more but I never treated her poorly at the time or since.

I'm grateful for what I do have and he needs to take a step back and examine himself.

I wouldn't be very proud of myself if I was behaving like him.


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

I was not expecting some of these responses. I am not theoretically opposed to staying home for a few years if we do have more kids but is not something I'm going to be rushed or forced into and this makes me not want to.

He controls the money now but I don't think he has been controlling or abusive with it. Since having baby I see my mother a good bit but that is mostly it. I know the age thing can seem suspect, almost everyone felt the same way at first but they came around. We just happened to meet and I don't think he was actively looking for a younger gf. This fight and his responses surprised me. I always thought we were close to the same page. I never thought he would just stop talking to me for so long.

I text him and told him that we have to talk about this and that I can't live like this. Hopefully we can have a real discussion when he gets home. I'm not sure why it would matter if we waited a little longer, but I'm not doing anything a doctor's wishes no matter what my husband does. I will keep your comments in mind.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Has he talked to you yet at all? 6 days is crazy and not normal


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## Roth12 (27 d ago)

snowbum said:


> Has he talked to you yet at all? 6 days is crazy and not normal


He replied ok to my text telling him we have to talk about it. 
It is crazy. I don't think I have ever been mad for 6 days before.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Roth12 said:


> He replied ok to my text telling him we have to talk about it.
> It is crazy. I don't think I have ever been mad for 6 days before.


This is very probably a symptom of a problem he has had for a long time.

I would suggest he get a full psych work up and determine a good course for mental health.

I suspect something is going on with him that has it's roots from long ago and actually doesn't have anything to do directly with you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Let us know how the talk goes. Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Roth12 said:


> I was not expecting some of these responses. I am not theoretically opposed to staying home for a few years if we do have more kids but is not something I'm going to be rushed or forced into and this makes me not want to.


I loved staying home with my kids. Since I didn't go back to work, I am available to help with my grandchildren and pursue business for self. I have a lot of freedom and appreciate my life very much. However, if my husband was lording it over me, I wouldn't have done this.



Roth12 said:


> *He controls the money now but I don't think he has been controlling or abusive with it.*


If he's controlling it without your input and agreement, that is controlling. I think you mean he isn't tight fisted with you, which is good. Is your name on all the accounts? Do you have access to all the financial information?



Roth12 said:


> Since having baby I see my mother a good bit but that is mostly it.


It's important to keep up healthy relationships. I'm sure your mother is great to have around to help you with the baby. As long as he is not keeping you from enjoying healthy relationships.



Roth12 said:


> This fight and his responses surprised me. I always thought we were close to the same page. I never thought he would just stop talking to me for so long.


 The silent treatment is not part of a healthy marriage. Taking a couple hours, at most, to calm down and think things over is one thing and should be for the purpose of keeping the marriage healthy. Refusing to speak to your spouse, in order to punish him/her, is manipulation. It is rude and weakens the marriage relationship. There are rare circumstances where it is okay for one spouse to stop speaking to another. Punishment should not exist within marriage.



Roth12 said:


> I text him and told him that we have to talk about this and that I can't live like this. Hopefully we can have a real discussion when he gets home. I'm not sure why it would matter if we waited a little longer, but I'm not doing anything a doctor's wishes no matter what my husband does. I will keep your comments in mind.


 Please make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable. It doesn't take two to make things bad. It takes two to make things good. He is making them unhealthy and is behaving badly.
Please check back in with us. I want to know that you are doing okay.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Edited my original reply - post that was offensive that I was replying to, was deleted. 

Hopefully, you both can work it out, and he realizes that how he has been treating you through this disagreement is wrong. Good luck with your talk.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

A few questions, because on one hand, yeah he wants a large family. But there’s something a teeny bit irrational about his persistence… at 4 months. (Holy moly most couples are sleep deprived and still in shock, most people are temporarily thinking, never again!!) 

And he’s not really wanting to compromise, or hear you out. At all. Which leads me to think there’s an element of risk and certainly manipulation. I feel you are considering everything carefully and rationally and responsibly. Something about this doesn’t ring right. 

So back to the questions, what were his relationships like before? Was he ever married? Is he super close to mum/sisters? Good relationships with men and women? 

Just want to eliminate any possibility of any potential sadism here. But I do tend to jump far!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

oldshirt said:


> This may be darker and more sinister than a couple not agreeing on when to have the next child.
> 
> Let’s go back to the very beginning, why was a 31 year man hustling a 22 year old?
> 
> ...


The above comments are along the same lines of thought I had. 

OP you are in a very unhealthy marriage. If you let him bully you into having another child before you are ready you will resent your husband but also may resent the child.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How did the talk go


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Roth12, I hope you're okay.


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