# Why is he not married?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

reading through the "What makes a man attractive and unattractive to a woman" thread, I want to look at the same question in a specific situation.

Do any of the women here know a guy, a friend or relative perhaps, who never seemed to have a lot of luck with relationships? He probably wanted to get married, but has remained single. In your opinion, what was it about the guy that made him unsuccessful in relationships while everyone else was finding someone?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I just thought this would bring it down to specifics rather than a general list about a general man. This can be anything that you believe is true about the person, and i feel, would make it real.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He needs to take initiative with women, southbound.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Not all men or women want to get married. I know a few men who are happily single. There is nothing "wrong" with any of them, they are happy as they are with the freedom to date of be in a relationship but not needing marriage. It isn't the be all and end all it used to be,


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

kristin2349 said:


> Not all men or women want to get married. I know a few men who are happily single. There is nothing "wrong" with any of them, they are happy as they are with the freedom to date of be in a relationship but not needing marriage. It isn't the be all and end all it used to be,


I agree 100%, but I'm talking about the ones who seem open to a relationship, and there is nothing terrible about them, but they just don't seem to have any luck. Everyone usually has their ideas about why people like this never marry. 




jld said:


> He needs to take initiative with women, southbound.


Please give me a brief description of what this looks like.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Most of the men who I know would like to be married but aren't are socially inept. They lack style, confidence, the ability to connect with people who don't share their interests. 

I have a cousin who complains all the time. He goes on and on about how easy going and low maintenance he is. Bah, what he means is he makes no effort to improve his appearance and makes no effort to enjoy other people's interests.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You need to talk to get out and talk to some gals, southbound. Try a variety of groups where you have some interests. Ele has mentioned meetup.com many times for finding social groups in the local area.

You are a fine man and there is a lady out there for you. But you have to go looking for her.

Remember that line from that Beatles song, "you were made to go out and get her"? 

They were talking to _you,_ young man.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

jld said:


> You need to talk to get out and talk to some gals, southbound. Try a variety of groups where you have some interests. Ele has mentioned meetup.com many times for finding social groups in the local area.
> 
> You are a fine man and there is a lady out there for you. But you have to go looking for her.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I'm not referring to myself as much as the situation in general. I do have a brother and cousin who have never married, and I know some other people as well.

It has just always fascinated me that there are certain guys who seem normal in every other way, but they just seem to lack that "something" that attracts a long term relationship. On the other hand, I know guys who I look at and think, "what is so special about them above those guys," and it's puzzling.

I know one guy who is average looking, and he has a very quiet personality to the point that everyone notices, and he seems a little strange. His niece mentions to my daughter sometimes that when she goes over to his house, "he's just weird." 

Yet, he has a stunning wife. Things like that puzzle me. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a stunning wife, but I wonder, what little ingredient did he have over other guys. I can't imagine him being full of conversation on a date.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

southbound said:


> Thanks. I'm not referring to myself as much as the situation in general. I do have a brother and cousin who have never married, and I know some other people as well.
> 
> It has just always fascinated me that there are certain guys who seem normal in every other way, but they just seem to lack that "something" that attracts a long term relationship. On the other hand, I know guys who I look at and think, "what is so special about them above those guys," and it's puzzling.
> 
> ...


I bet he makes her feel emotionally safe.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

southbound said:


> Yet, he has a stunning wife. Things like that puzzle me. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a stunning wife, but I wonder, what little ingredient did he have over other guys. I can't imagine him being full of conversation on a date.


Perhaps we can assume that she is not just a collection of body parts, but actually has a personality? Maybe she too is "weird"? Or maybe she fancies his particular brand of "weirdness"? Or maybe she enjoys his quiet personality and doesn't find it weird at all?

All of the guys I know who are single are so for fairly obvious reasons. One, for example, doesn't take any time to date or be with women because he is "too busy". He once had a LTR with a wonderful woman many years ago, but he threw it away to chase after a "hottie" who manipulated him, used him, and never had any interest whatsoever in dating him. Since then, he doesn't really bother himself; women are never "hot" enough for him or not sufficiently doting.

Another guy I know was a virgin until he was 28. There were a couple of things going on there: one, he only wanted to be with someone who was sufficiently special, and had no interest in ONS or casual. The other was that he is quite depressive, and mopes a lot. Great guy when you get to know him, but he didn't really let you get to know him.

A third has some very set ideas about what love is and how women should act and be around him. If they fail to show sufficient adoration of him (and he required quite a lot), he would dump them. He too had an LTR with a sweet woman a few years back, but he emotionally abused her until she couldn't take it anymore.

I'd say that there are probably as many reasons foe a guy being single are there are single guys.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

In my experience, shyness and/or self esteem are big factors, along with how picky he is.

A guy who is shy will not make the first move usually and might not show his interest as obviously, therefor a woman has to be quite aggressive to approach him.

A guy with low self esteem can't handle an aggressive girl specially if she is good looking nor will even attempt to approach.

And then you got the overly picky who expect their dream woman falls magically on his lap and will not settle for less but doesn't want to make an effort to find her.

Combine any of these and it gets nearly impossible to find someone, it's almost like self sabotage IF they truly want to find someone, sometimes they don't but don't want to admit it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

southbound said:


> reading through the "What makes a man attractive and unattractive to a woman" thread, I want to look at the same question in a specific situation.
> 
> Do any of the women here know a guy, a friend or relative perhaps, who never seemed to have a lot of luck with relationships? He probably wanted to get married, but has remained single. In your opinion, what was it about the guy that made him unsuccessful in relationships while everyone else was finding someone?


If a crowd is plodding off to the gallows while some lone soul is walking in a different direction, why would we assume the crowd's destination would be the intelligent course and there's something wrong with the one headed for safety?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

For the men I personally know who seem like great guys but have never had much luck with long term relationships, the "issue" usually seems to be a sort of oblivious self-centeredness. Many of them are perfectly nice, kind, interesting, attractive men who date well and seem great at first blush. And things usually are really good in the beginning - as long as times are good, their partners are sharing their interests, and they aren't being asked to give or do anything beyond their personal comfort level. When things get hard, or boring, or it's time to show some reciprocal interest in their partner's stuff, things start to fall apart. It's not a malicious thing. It's just that they have no interest, and apparently not much ability, to really participate in a true give and take on an ongoing basis. 

In short, the guys are emotionally unavailable.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Thinking of the few I know about....

1. He has zero self esteem because of struggling with his weight since about age 20. Hasn't had a girlfriend since 1994/95. Probably no dates, either. Sad .

2. He's just asexual. Says he has no need for relationships/sex. 

3. He's just kinda dorky and perhaps in the closet??? (Don't know him well enough to really know.)

4. Had a bad picker. Got involved with a lot of loony tunes who took advantage. He is also quite feminine and most people probably think he's gay when first meeting him.

5. Was engaged once, got heart broken. Never had another relationship. Probably also became asexual.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My brother is 46 and has never been married. It's weird, we are close but he never talks to be about his love life with me. Maybe that's normal for a brother-sister relationship? 

I don't think he has ever had a serious relationship. He certainly hasn't brought anyone home for my parents to meet. I'm almost 100% sure that he's not gay. I asked him once and he said no. He wouldn't be shamed for it, we have so many gay people in our family, at this point it's like, "Oh, you're gay too? Okay." 

One thing I can pin point is that he's kind of lazy and selfish. Not lazy like not holding a job and such but lazy that he just doesn't want to put in the time of a relationship. He has his work, friends, hobbies and tennis. He wants to do them when he wants to do them. Having a wife or girlfriend would cut into all of that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> My brother is 46 and has never been married. It's weird, we are close but he never talks to be about his love life with me. Maybe that's normal for a brother-sister relationship?
> 
> I don't think he has ever had a serious relationship. He certainly hasn't brought anyone home for my parents to meet. I'm almost 100% sure that he's not gay. I asked him once and he said no. He wouldn't be shamed for it, we have so many gay people in our family, at this point it's like, "Oh, you're gay too? Okay."
> 
> One thing I can pin point is that he's kind of lazy and selfish. Not lazy like not holding a job and such but lazy that he just doesn't want to put in the time of a relationship. He has his work, friends, hobbies and tennis. He wants to do them when he wants to do them. Having a wife or girlfriend would cut into all of that.


Does he seem to desire sex at all? I mean, maybe that is a weird question for you to answer about your brother, but if he's not dating, wonder where/how he gets that need met.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Amorous said:


> And then you got the overly picky who expect their dream woman falls magically on his lap and will not settle for less but doesn't want to make an effort to find her.


THIS ^^ is our oldest son.. he admits it too.. he doesn't think magical.. his excuse is.. he is trusting God they will meet when they are meant to.... I feel he needs to be more Pro-active.. and he DOES want to marry someday.. have a family... I tell him God helps those who help themselves...that he is not helping himself too much. 

He refuses to do a dating profile.... I guess he is hoping to still get back into the life of a girl from our church.. he was set on her for a time-but she was TOO young -parents didnt allow her to date... then she got a BF.. she is single again.. but now he lives in another town... he tells me this summer.. he is going to make a move.. hmmm if she doesn't have another BF by then!! He seems to have "oneitis" , keeps busy as to not really mind being single.. and being a "good guy".. this too often gets him friend zoned.. 

I so want him to find that special woman..I will be so happy for him when it happens... *IF* It happens !


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Does he seem to desire sex at all? I mean, maybe that is a weird question for you to answer about your brother, but if he's not dating, wonder where/how he gets that need met.


I have no idea. It's possible he's asexual or it's possible that there have been women and we just don't know about it. Years and years ago his best friend told me that there were girls that my brother liked but nothing came of it or the girls weren't interested in him in a romantic way. Maybe that effected him in some way.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Does everyone feel that the positive things a guy must do just comes natural to most men, but there are a few that it seems to escape?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I have no idea. It's possible he's asexual or it's possible that there have been women and we just don't know about it. Years and years ago his best friend told me that there were girls that my brother liked but nothing came of it or the girls weren't interested in him in a romantic way. Maybe that effected him in some way.


Your brother sounds like a friend i have had since grade school. No girlfriends, no prospects. When I was single he went out partying all the time. The few times he approached a woman he got shot down and he just stopped trying. Now he is 43, still living with his mom. I think he has become asexual.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

southbound said:


> Does everyone feel that the positive things a guy must do just comes natural to most men, but there are a few that it seems to escape?


Yes.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Your brother sounds like a friend i have had since grade school. No girlfriends, no prospects. When I was single he went out partying all the time. The few times he approached a woman he got shot down and he just stopped trying. Now he is 43, still living with his mom. I think he has become asexual.


Yes, this sounds like my brother except he lives in his own home. Maybe he's been disappointed too many times. I know my mom worries that he's lonely but he has lots of friends and hobbies so he keeps busy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My cousin is 46 and I think asexual. We talk all the time and these days he's very sick, but he's never really shown sexual interest in anyone of either gender. Perfectly great guy.

Most of the men I've known that were single but didn't want to be fell into 3 camps: they were lazy and didn't want to make effort, they were self centered and while they were happy to take giving was a problem, or they had an inflated sense of what they had to offer and thus what caliber of woman they were entitled to.

One guy I know is divorced and keeps complaining about how he can't keep a relationship together, but he has a huge harem of female "friends" that he sees nothing wrong with and his dates have to suck up. Like going to concerts with a so called friend and holding hands, and if his gf doesn't like it that's her problem. Which is why he can't keep one. 

Even said friends have told him that if they were interested in dating him that sh!t wouldn't fly but he doesn't want to hear it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yes.


If true, that one word answer may explain more than everything else. As I mentioned, this subject has always fascinated me, but I've never heard an explanation or read a list that was a total "ah ha" moment for me.

It may just be that simple. Regardless of how shy or off the mark some guys may appear to be, they may still have a natural ability to have relationships, while a select few just seem to have been out of the room when this ability was being passed out.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The guy I'm thinking of has actually found someone now, however, my theories on why he stayed single so long while wanting to settle down are that he wasn't giving off the right vibe.

He was all about going out and drinking and buying new things. He wasn't thinking about his future. He wasn't making any plans.

So what type of woman do you think he attracted? Ones who weren't going to stick around basically.

I think he started to take his life a little more seriously, and all of a sudden he finds a lady who takes him seriously.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

This was me about 15 years ago. Was in my mid 30s and had only serious relationship that lasted about 6 months. Before that never dated much (literally no more than 10 dates total at age 28) and after the relationship ended didn't go on a date for about five years. Had a good job, owned my own house, at least average looking, but spent my spare time playing ball, going to sporting events, and just hanging with my friends (one in particular). Once he met his wife, I started internet dating. 

For me, the thing was I wasn't confident approaching women. If a woman started talking to me, I was fine. A few times I've admired someone and was too chicken to say something. One time, went out with my cousin and a few of her friends. Her one friend and I seemed to hit it off, but I never called her. Many years later, after I was married, my cousin told my mom that her friend was interested in me and wanted me to call her. Looking back I wish I would have done so.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

I have a cousin that he just can't get a relantionship to last. He wants so badly to get married , to have kids but he is incapable for some reason to have a relantionship .

He sucks with communication, he sense of style is not there, and he plays his Xbox almost all his spare time , oh and he is unhappy that he is overweight but chooses not to do anything about it.

He is somehow social awkward . He is by the way 27 , has a good job, his own house but for some very strange reason he can't make a relantionship to stick. Which always baffled me and I feel bad for him but I don't know how to help him...


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

southbound said:


> If true, that one word answer may explain more than everything else. As I mentioned, this subject has always fascinated me, but I've never heard an explanation or read a list that was a total "ah ha" moment for me.
> 
> It may just be that simple. Regardless of how shy or off the mark some guys may appear to be, they may still have a natural ability to have relationships, while a select few just seem to have been out of the room when this ability was being passed out.


That ability is adaptability and a general joy for life. If people, men or women, can't adapt to another person's needs/wants/hopes/dreams or feel happiness without constant approval from others, they probably won't succeed in having a successful relationship. JMHO.


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