# so confused about whether to stay or go



## unhappynewlywed (Nov 3, 2010)

I thought I had finally come to a decision that I was finished... After talking with both my mom and my aunt, they think I need to give my husband time and a chance to change. He is being incredibly nice tonight and it's nights like tonight that I feel terrible for thinking of hurting him. 

He can be a pain. He does make my life miserable some days. He is very controlling. He has isolated me from my friends... Still can he be a good man and do all these things???

Thoughts??


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel first and foremost. It is up to him if he is willing to change or not. I'm at a point in my marriage where I am considering divorce and now my husband realizes the damage that he's done. Now he's willing to make changes - b/c he realizes I am serious.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Never deal with controlling, only you should control yourself.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel first and foremost. It is up to him if he is willing to change or not. I'm at a point in my marriage where I am considering divorce and now my husband realizes the damage that he's done. Now he's willing to make changes - b/c he realizes I am serious.


I was in the same boat, but my wife went straight to divorce, instead of talking to me in a serious, sober manner.


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## thestruggle (Nov 5, 2010)

If you decide to stay and work things out with him, work towards some 'give and take', some cooperation, and meeting partway as a couple. Heck, you could even call it your requirement. 

Maybe with some calm discussion you might come to agreement about what works for both you and him. On the other hand some topics can't really every be talked about much between partners without it getting tense. 

You shouldn't sacrifice yourself and your needs entirely for someone else. You'd likely only grow to resent him / your marriage more and want out again. You need to keep going about your business. Take care of yourself and your needs too.

There should be a balance here between your needs and what's good for both of you. You have a right and a need to have friendships and social interaction outside of your home.

Think about your needs for friendship, what they are and put it down in writing what that looks like. Decide what is your "wants" vs what is "needs". What is nonnegotiable to you?
Decide how often you need to be able to visit with your friends. 

You could try sitting down and talking calmly with him about your needs for social interaction. He might actually 'get' it.
Then calmly move on about your business and see if he shuts up and accepts it eventually. 

Try a simple test run this week. Let him know that you have social plans on a certain day/eve and will be out for an hour or two. Give him advance notice so he is ready for this, and it becomes part of your weeks agenda. Keep it a reasonable outing at a reasonable time (something no good husband should object to). ie. a meeting for people who are learning to knit,
or going for coffee with your best girlfriend from school. Whatever. 

Give it a try and see if you again are faced with the same controlling, tantruming and so on. See if he does start to tantrum when presented with this. Maybe the tantrum will come later when you return. See how it does and at what point his behavior becomes unreasonable.


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## missconfused (Nov 19, 2010)

It's a hard discussion to have and I understand. How do you say you're unhappy when one moment hes being an awesome husband and the next he's not. 
Then-what about the anger you hold against him later. Hard decisions to make. Hard conversation to have, but isn't it kinda bogus to go straight for the divorce and not even mention your feelings? 
I wish the best of luck to you.


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