# Ladies, what is the truth about dating a man with kids?



## Agast84

I am currently separated and about to file since things have not changed in my situation(very stagnant). I am wondering what the various opinions on dating a very involved father. What are your positive and negative experiences if you have(this can be short term or long term dating). I ask because I have heard from many women my age and older say they would never or that it is difficult for this type of man to find women to date. 
I am not too worried seeing as I am not quite ready, even if D was tomorrow.
Some women have been positive when me dating someone came up. Stbx acted like it would be no problem for me to do so, but I don't exactly value her opinions any more. Especially since her's concerning me were very low, then seemed to turn positive within a week of leaving me(or maybe that was due to the two pursuers that were around her weeks on end she hasn't dated, to my knowledge).


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## Hope1964

I've never dated a guy with kids, but it wouldn't bother me or make much difference. 

My only advice is to be up front about the fact you have kids when you do start dating, because there are some women it will be a dealbreaker for, unfortunately.


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## that_girl

I dated a man with kids and I loved his little girl. She was a sweetie!

His ex wife was a psychopath and MAN did she have him around her little finger. It was such a turn off listening to him cower to her when she called, dropped off the little girl, etc.

I didn't want her in my life. Too much drama. So I broke up with him.


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## Lon

Hope1964 said:


> I've never dated a guy with kids, but it wouldn't bother me or make much difference.


Just to barge in on the ladies lounge for a minute - I am I very involved dad and have my son 2 days/nights a week and every other weekend (fri-sun) and am learning that it makes a BIG difference.

I have no intentions of introducing my son to any of my romance interests until it turns into something more serious... that means for the first few months of dating me I will only be available less than half the time because I have no intention of losing more time with my son than I already do - it also means that my free time is scarce so planning a date on a weekend is at best only every other week, and with other chores, tasks, regular activities etc it means sometimes having to go a long stretches between dates. It's not that I can't make time for a woman I am interested in, hire a sitter once in awhile etc., I can still be spontaneous sometimes, but only on my terms - my time is more costly than a single childless man's.

With the limited time and periods between, it is challenging maintaining a connection and getting to know someone well enough to decide if this is worth a LRT and introduction to my child. On the other hand, if you dating an involved father realize that the time he is spending with you is valuable to him which means he probably thinks a lot of you.


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## that_girl

I think that's fine, Lon. I mean, when you have kids you gotta take it slow. Dating a woman 1/2 the time is good. I had Th, F and T without my daughter and those were date nights. Oh well  It worked!


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## FirstYearDown

I will never again date someone with children, if my marriage doesn't work out.

I have had two bad experiences with that. One man kept cancelling dates because of his son and though I understood that fatherhood came first, it became apparent that how I felt didn't matter at all.

Another man I was with constantly gave EVERYTHING to this child that he was a father figure to. I got nothing and was always told "She comes first! Don't make me choose because I will choose." The last straw was Christmas-the little girl received a bag of gifts and I got a PAPERBACK BOOK FROM THE DRUGSTORE. He expected me to be happy with that.

I don't want to be second place all the time and I don't want to babysit either. So I would never date a man who had children ever again.


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## Cherry

I've dated men with children, but I had my own child too ever since I was 20. Usually, it was me that guys would not date because of my child. 

I think you have to take into consideration your age, what age are you? Approaching my 40's, a good bit of individuals at this stage of life, have been married/divorced, have kids, etc. It's a different atmosphere as opposed to dating with children in my 20's. 

Any way you slice it, I think it takes a special individual to take on the responsibilities of another person's child. And not everyone can do that, that's a pretty solid reason in my book to take it slow.


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## sisters359

Remember that you are filtering people simply by having kids--and those who don't want to date a guy with kids should be filtered out anyway. 

Most people want the relationship to rush forward (I'm on other forums where you see that, and of course I remember high school and college dating!). They will think "something is wrong" if you are not calling every single day, blah, blah, blah. A mature, busy, happy person--male or female--will understand that you have a life too, and that you--like they--are not going to "drop everything" just because you met someone new. Warning: the type of person who actually "gets" this may be few and far between, and if you tell people (which you should not have to), they will be offended!

So, having a busy life yourself, you will know you have found someone happy with their own life and mature about relationships if they aren't complaining in 3 weeks that "we don't see enough of each other." 

Remember, though, to pay attention when you start to want to see a bit more of them. Some leeway here is necessary, but if their pace continues to lag greatly behind yours (months out from first date), then they *might* not be all that into you. But 6 months is really essential before you introduce kids to new partners, to protect kids from starting their own relationships with people who won't last more than a few weeks or months.


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## Hope1964

Lon said:


> Just to barge in on the ladies lounge for a minute - I am I very involved dad and have my son 2 days/nights a week and every other weekend (fri-sun) and am learning that it makes a BIG difference.
> 
> I have no intentions of introducing my son to any of my romance interests until it turns into something more serious... that means for the first few months of dating me I will only be available less than half the time because I have no intention of losing more time with my son than I already do - it also means that my free time is scarce so planning a date on a weekend is at best only every other week, and with other chores, tasks, regular activities etc it means sometimes having to go a long stretches between dates. It's not that I can't make time for a woman I am interested in, hire a sitter once in awhile etc., I can still be spontaneous sometimes, but only on my terms - my time is more costly than a single childless man's.
> 
> With the limited time and periods between, it is challenging maintaining a connection and getting to know someone well enough to decide if this is worth a LRT and introduction to my child. On the other hand, if you dating an involved father realize that the time he is spending with you is valuable to him which means he probably thinks a lot of you.


I totally agree with you. I meant it wouldn't make much difference to _me_. If I was dating a guy with kids I would expect everything you wrote above and would accept it as all part of the package.


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## Lon

that_girl said:


> I think that's fine, Lon. I mean, when you have kids you gotta take it slow. Dating a woman 1/2 the time is good. I had Th, F and T without my daughter and those were date nights. Oh well  It worked!


Personally, I don't think its good - nothing wrong with slow, but with half-time its all-on/all-off so it not only takes twice as long to get there it much more emotionally gruelling. It can work if the woman understands the single dad's schedule and doesn't take those unavailable periods (non date nights) as personal rejection. If a woman is expecting much availablity with an involved dad it won't work.


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## In_The_Wind

I really never had an issue about dating women with kids and did a couple of times as I had full custody of my now 21 yoa daughter, 

the deal killer for me would be like octomom or kate I mean good grief 8 kids


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## althea

I would say to anyone, man or woman, about to embark on this to be very wary...

I belong to another forum for step-parents. I do recognize that people with rosy situations probably aren’t out there looking for advice online, so that forum over represents the difficulties of having a partner with a previously enjoyed family. But while the details vary, there are some universal problems many of us share. I could probably fill a book with my feelings and experiences, but here are some things to watch out for (it’s easier for me to talk about this in terms of men; the problems can be applicable to either gender though):


Boundaries with other birth parent- A notorious problem is the Dad not wanting to “rock the boat” with his ex, the birth mother. This is all well and good, sounds good in theory at first. The reality can mean allowing the ex to dictate what goes on in his life, allowing intrusive behavior (constant phone calls or texts), or allowing all kinds of craziness in the name of “keeping the peace”. 

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Look this one up. It’s one birth parent mentally poisoning the child(ren) against the other birth parent and/or his new spouse.

Guilty Parenting (“Disneyland Dad”)- This goes beyond simple material spoiling of children, although that can be part of it. It can mean being overly permissive or allowing unacceptable behavior. Usually their rationalization is along these lines: I only see my child(ren) XX amount of time and don’t want any of it to be negative, it’s their mom’s fault, I can’t undo what their mother teaches them in the amount of time I spend with them, they are victims of divorce and need special treatment. The Guilty Parent will perform all kinds of mental acrobatics to justify the behavior of the child(ren).

Child(ren) resent new girlfriend/boyfriend- self-explanatory, but permissive or indulgent birth parent might allow antagonistic behavior to continue or escalate.

Mistaking making children a priority with catering to children- When I got together with my SO, he declared that his children were his number one priority. I thought that was great…the well-being of my children is my number one priority as well. However, where my priority was the health, safety, and well-being of my kids, his turned into catering to every whim of one of his children because of his need to make her number one. This is hard to briefly explain here, but once he realized he wasn’t doing her any favors allowing her to act however she wanted, things improved. Many people, especially those who have not been in this dynamic, will claim unequivocally that it is nature’s intention for children to be #1. Others will claim the bible says a spouse is #1. My opinion is that neither is correct. The two types of love and relationships don’t even belong on the same list. Apples and oranges. Each is a priority in its own way. What can harm either the parental or spousal relationship is the parent wearing blinders and putting either one ahead of the other. There needs to be a healthy amount of priority for both the children and the spouse.

There are more red flags, I’m sure…but these hit the main points. I’m not sure I did them justice, but hopefully you’ll get the gist of what I’m talking about.

Mainly, just keep your eyes open and try not to get too involved until you feel comfortable there are not huge warning signs. Even then, you can never be sure. I had known my SO and his kids for years before we got together. Still, I had no way to be prepared for what it was like when we actually lived together. The beginning was very problematic, but mainly due to research and talking on my part, things have improved. I am also here to say that some of the most poisonous words you can hear are “you knew s/he had kids when you got together” and “you’re the adult, so just suck it up”. You will get very trite advice from people who have not been in this scenario. There are some good books out there if you find you really are on the edge of this kind of relationship. There are also bad books that place all responsibility on the (future) step-parent. I guess it all comes down to how the person treats his/her kids and ex, or more notably, how he/she allows them to treat him/her.


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## southern wife

IF I were single, and since I do have one child, I would date someone that is a father - he'd have to be a good father though. If he's bad to his kids, he'll be bad to mine. I won't have that. 

I understand the needs kids have, the time it takes for them, so I don't think it would be an issue for me. 

But it also depends on the ex-wife and her role in HIS life. If she was a nut-case.....no way!

So, it just depends on the man and his overall situation really.


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## LaxUF

I'm a single mom and my son will be leaving the nest in 3 short years (although I tease him that I'm just going to enroll in whichever college/university he attends so we can still be "roommates") LOL!

In all seriousness & honesty though... I was "young'ish" when I had him so I am looking forward to my own independence & freedom while I am still "young'ish" enough to enjoy it. The thought of having another child(ren) would prevent me from being able to do that... or at least hinder it significantly. HOWEVER...

If I met a guy that was absolutely perfect for me (and me for him) I would not write him off completely just because he has kids. There would have to be a balance though (as in time for just us through shared custody and their mother would have to be a reasonable person i.e.; NOT Bat Sh!t Crazy).

If my son was younger I suppose it would be far easier to incorporate other children into our life. Don't worry... there are plenty of nice, available, not BSC single women with and without children out there. 

Try looking for single parent Meet Ups (google your area) - not as a means of meeting a new romantic interest. You can broaden your social network and possibly meet someone through their mutual friends, etc... It will also provide your kids a way to meet other kids that are adapting to their new way of life.


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## Pinkheels

My Husband has an 11 year old. We started dating when his son was 5. There are certainly pros and cons to dating a man with children. 
I was very open minded to it and it ended up working out. Understand that at first the man you date may not want you to meet his child for a while. And ALWAYS know that his child will always come first. Especially if he has full custody like we do with my stepson. 
If the relationship progresses to a more serious level the child will start to test your limits to see how much they can get away with when you are in charge. Stay strong and firm. Also at some point the child might feel you are trying to replace there mother. Let the child know that you are not there to replace anyone. 
And lastly and very important if marriage is discussed like with me. Make sure you of course not only love the man but you love his child. My stepson I love dearly and consider him my own. I tell people all the time I have two kids and sometimes to others he calls me his mom. I hope this was helpful and not just a ramble.


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## that_girl

Lon said:


> Personally, I don't think its good - nothing wrong with slow, but with half-time its all-on/all-off so it not only takes twice as long to get there it much more emotionally gruelling. It can work if the woman understands the single dad's schedule and doesn't take those unavailable periods (non date nights) as personal rejection. If a woman is expecting much availablity with an involved dad it won't work.


Then she's not the one for you. She would be immature and needy.


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## Agast84

Thank you, everyone. 
W, thinks we can just stay married. She is in this "I don't need anyone mode, but I still will use you for emotional support and call if friendship, but you get nothing unless you ask, like always." I am simply tired of how draining she is to me,I do however wish she still loved me. I am not going to settle for being alone, nor will I settle for someone so I am not alone. I am tired of being alone.


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## Lon

that_girl said:


> Then she's not the one for you. She would be immature and needy.


Yes, I know this, it's why I posted, since OP was asking the truth about dating a man with a child.


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## Jeff74

Lon said:


> Just to barge in on the ladies lounge for a minute - I am I very involved dad and have my son 2 days/nights a week and every other weekend (fri-sun) and am learning that it makes a BIG difference.
> 
> I have no intentions of introducing my son to any of my romance interests until it turns into something more serious... that means for the first few months of dating me I will only be available less than half the time because I have no intention of losing more time with my son than I already do - it also means that my free time is scarce so planning a date on a weekend is at best only every other week, and with other chores, tasks, regular activities etc it means sometimes having to go a long stretches between dates. It's not that I can't make time for a woman I am interested in, hire a sitter once in awhile etc., I can still be spontaneous sometimes, but only on my terms - my time is more costly than a single childless man's.
> 
> With the limited time and periods between, it is challenging maintaining a connection and getting to know someone well enough to decide if this is worth a LRT and introduction to my child. On the other hand, if you dating an involved father realize that the time he is spending with you is valuable to him which means he probably thinks a lot of you.


Very well written. I agree with this entirely. For me personally there is nothing more important than the relationship with my child. Funny because I never even planned to have a kid and now that I do I could not imagine life without him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I had the child. My husband stepped up to the plate and was the best role model for my daughter.

Her biological father shut her out of their lives for good a few years back. I've never seen such hatred towards your own blood. Anyways, it's for the best.

My daughter is a very good young lady! She turned out fabulous and my husband and I are very proud of her!


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## TwoDogs

In all honesty, I'm 48 and childless, so I couldn't see myself dating a man with kids as I've never had to adjust my life to accommodate children and I'd likely find that too restrictive now.

Having said that, a lot of men my age would likely have children that are older teens or grown, which would be less of a problem.


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## sisters359

TwoDogs said:


> In all honesty, I'm 48 and childless, so I couldn't see myself dating a man with kids as I've never had to adjust my life to accommodate children and I'd likely find that too restrictive now.
> 
> Having said that, a lot of men my age would likely have children that are older teens or grown, which would be less of a problem.


And that is perfectly ok--I think most parents appreciate that others have chosen not to parent and that they are not going to be familiar with all the sacrifice and occasional (frequent?) chaos that can come with having kids. I would *never* want to force my kids on someone who didn't want 'em, nor force such a person on my kids! 

I think it only gets ugly when people insist there is something "wrong" with not wanting to date a father/mother. That's crazy talk. There are many reasons not to want to get involved with a single parent--and just as many reasons for others to want to date someone who is a parent. 

Single dads are sexy--but the idea of a blended family scares the heck out of me, I'll admit! Not looking to go that route anytime soon.


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## Agast84

sisters359 said:


> And that is perfectly ok--I think most parents appreciate that others have chosen not to parent and that they are not going to be familiar with all the sacrifice and occasional (frequent?) chaos that can come with having kids. I would *never* want to force my kids on someone who didn't want 'em, nor force such a person on my kids!
> 
> I think it only gets ugly when people insist there is something "wrong" with not wanting to date a father/mother. That's crazy talk. There are many reasons not to want to get involved with a single parent--and just as many reasons for others to want to date someone who is a parent.
> 
> Single dads are sexy--but the idea of a blended family scares the heck out of me, I'll admit! Not looking to go that route anytime soon.


I agree with everything you say. The bottom one makes me feel really good. I hope to find someone that has that opinion of me in the future 

Also, like many things people need to be honest about likes and dislikes. You should never mislead someone that wants to spend a good portion of your life with you and they should have the same respect and courtesy to you as a human being.


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## FirstYearDown

I felt terrible when I finally left the first father I dated, because his son and I were buddies. The last day I saw the little boy, he looked at me and whispered: "Does that mean we can't play video games anymore?" All I could do was give him a hug.

Before I dated that single dad, he warned me that women left him before because he was too busy. I did not realize that being busy meant constantly making plans and bailing at the last minute. I never expected to spend every day with him or talk on the phone all the time. I also felt very used, because this man introduced me to his son yet would not tell his child we were dating. He also expected me to babysit, which was unfair since his son could not know we were a couple. 

Blended families can certainly work out very well; it does take a lot of work and patience though. The spouse with children needs to make sure that the kids show respect to their stepparent. It is a balancing act because the children have the right to grieve the loss of their birth parents marriage and having to accept a new parental figure.


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## CLucas976

I would be apprehensive to it, merely because of the kids. 

I know that right now, I'm having issues after my friend and her son moved out because I miss the little guy something terrible. I love the kid to death, every time I go out I see something I think he needs, or want him to have, or a movie he'd love to go see etc.

I know it would be hell on me to have an even further attachment than just a few months of mom duty like I had, and it would be hard to deal with the separation, or the angry resentful biological mother. (because let's face it, no one likes the spouse their ex picked out, and no one wants anyone else helping to raise their kids)

That is litterally the only hang up I would have, because if something were to go wrong, I'd be mourning the loss of a family and missing the kids on top of just mourning a relationship gone sour.


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## SimplyAmorous

If I was single and looking again, kids generally don't bother me.... I have enough, that men would avoid me like the plague ... but I am not tied to my children. I'm just here to help them get their own wings- to leave the nest. Us adults still need some love & companionship with the opposite sex. 

I wouldn't want a man who was so into his kids, I was always on the back burner, that would get old for me, I wouldn't even do that as a Mother. So I wouldn't want a BF to do that to me....once he was into me, that is. I wouldn't care if his kids was always with us - so long as we got some enjoyable alone time too....that can easily be had in some creative ways. 

I find kids very managable , easy to keep happy for the most part. I know with mine.... they'd choose their friends over hanging with me & dad all the time... it is not like they need all of our attention. 

But sometimes little girls are very jealous.... I see this 1st hand with a GF of mine....her BF is a very involved single Dad with his 2 girls & when they come over her house, the youngest is always pushing to go home early, hanging all over dad....and I know this bugs her a little bit, she tells me about it ....and like a good father....he leaves early .....Thankfully... she is an awesome Mom who would do the same if one of her 2 boys wanted to leave...... so she understands him pretty well, even though she longs for more time with him.

If it was me, I'd be trying to win that little girl over somehow, bending over backwards creatively - so she enjoyed my house & was jumping to come back- getting the dad to bring a friend with her so she was pre-occupied...cause after a while, I'd likely get annoyed by that.

Blended families would never bother me either, so long as I could win the kids respect and the man could win my kids respect, it would be very doable. I accually enjoy a little chaos. My husband would say I manage it very well.


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## bubbly girl

My husband has a child with his exW. Well he is pretty much grown now (and he is a pretty great kid). For me, seeing what a good dad he was to his son made me feel he'd be a good dad to our children when we had them.

The biggest issues with dating a single dad is having to deal with his ex. The ex is usually much harder to deal with than the kid(s).


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## bubbly girl

Pinkheels said:


> My Husband has an 11 year old. We started dating when his son was 5. There are certainly pros and cons to dating a man with children.
> I was very open minded to it and it ended up working out. Understand that at first the man you date may not want you to meet his child for a while. And ALWAYS know that his child will always come first. Especially if he has full custody like we do with my stepson.
> If the relationship progresses to a more serious level the child will start to test your limits to see how much they can get away with when you are in charge. Stay strong and firm. Also at some point the child might feel you are trying to replace there mother. Let the child know that you are not there to replace anyone.
> And lastly and very important if marriage is discussed like with me. Make sure you of course not only love the man but you love his child. My stepson I love dearly and consider him my own. I tell people all the time I have two kids and sometimes to others he calls me his mom. I hope this was helpful and not just a ramble.


I always say I have 3 kids, and when he was little I used to tell my stepson he was special because he was the only one of my kids that didn't make me fat. LOL. 

I think we have a good relationship and it is much nicer to have him live with us than back when he lived with his mother. I never tried to take his mother's place either. I've been with his father since he was a baby (which I think makes it easier) and I think we have our own special relationship.


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## PartlyCloudy

Lon said:


> Just to barge in on the ladies lounge for a minute - I am I very involved dad and have my son 2 days/nights a week and every other weekend (fri-sun) and am learning that it makes a BIG difference.
> 
> I have no intentions of introducing my son to any of my romance interests until it turns into something more serious... that means for the first few months of dating me I will only be available less than half the time because I have no intention of losing more time with my son than I already do - it also means that my free time is scarce so planning a date on a weekend is at best only every other week, and with other chores, tasks, regular activities etc it means sometimes having to go a long stretches between dates. It's not that I can't make time for a woman I am interested in, hire a sitter once in awhile etc., I can still be spontaneous sometimes, but only on my terms - my time is more costly than a single childless man's.
> 
> With the limited time and periods between, it is challenging maintaining a connection and getting to know someone well enough to decide if this is worth a LRT and introduction to my child. On the other hand, if you dating an involved father realize that the time he is spending with you is valuable to him which means he probably thinks a lot of you.


Maybe it's a tad inappropriate to say, but I found this post wicked sexy. I suppose something about devoted dads makes my heart go pitter-patter. 

Seriously, though, this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. My son is thirteen, & I don't want more kids. I'm in my early thirties, & I'm starting to look forward to having my life to myself when he goes to college. That being said, I would totally be ok w/dating a guy w/kids, even young ones. It would be an adjustment &, if it became long-term, would require changing some plans I have for my childless future, but I couldn't write off a great guy (& possibly great kids) just b/c they're a package deal I hadn't planned on.


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## Lon

PartlyCloudy said:


> Maybe it's a tad inappropriate to say, but I found this post wicked sexy. I suppose something about devoted dads makes my heart go pitter-patter.


It honestly lifts my spirits to read your reply, feels really [email protected] good to be the target of such a compliment... Thank you so much dear lady!


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## Suemolly

It also depends on the kids and their age etc. I've had 3 long-term relationships with men who have 2 kids each (yeah, seems to be a pattern there). No problems at all wt 2 of them, the kids were so cute! But one of the bf had a teenage daughter who was really nasty to me, and he made no effort to tell her off. She was rude, obnoxious, jealous and truly irritating. Her dad of course did not see it that way. Obviously it became a problem for me, and I ended the relationship partly because I disliked her so much. 

A friend of mine ended a relationship with a divorced man for similar reason, his teenage son. The boy had absolutely no manners and his father allowed him to disrespect my friend. So she dumped him, as much as she loved him.


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## arbitrator

In my case, I dated the woman(who would become wife #2) and she had 3 teenagers from a divorced family, her XH being a wealthy but chronic alcoholic. With me being the clean-cut socially conservative type and my two sons the same way, she thought that her kids would come to emulate us.

Think again! Her kids had absolutely no use for us or would give me the time of day. Mine were structured, ambitious in school, athletic, neat and organized, just very well-rounded. Hers would not help clean up at home, shirked responsibility, all quit school, refused to work, associated with a very seedy gothic element, refused to go to church, got into alcohol, drugs, tattoo parlors, ultimately ran afoul of the law, all being arrested and convicted, with one of them actually doing jail time for illegal possession. And then I was richly blamed by her for not being a model stepfather to them.

Had I known that that was going to be the scenario that would ultimately play itself out, I never would have said "I do" to her, much less going out on that second date with her! Let's just say that the next time around, that I'll be quite a bit more discerning!


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## sanjana4dosti

dating a married and father of kids is no wrong.. just there should be a great understanding built with the kids so that they also adopt you in the same manner as u to them..


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## donewithit

well...i married a very involved father with two sons..they were 9 and 14 at the time. I love these boys with all my heart..they could not be more mine if I had endured pregnancy and labour..they call me mom. the youngest now lives with his bio mom..and that is fine..didnt like our rules..rules means you love them and care about them..but whatever..

eldest has moved home again with us..and honestly I dread the day he leaves (he is 23 now..and looking at moving quite a distance away) 

My husband adopted my (our) daughter...she is now 24

it can work. is is sunshine and roses..nope NOT AT ALL..sometimes more like dog crap and thunderstorms..

I would do it again in a heartbeat..but only because I have a wonderful husband who is a fantastic dad..AND most importantly..he puts me first..if the kids disrespect me..he puts and end to it!!!


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## seesah

I would say that the first priority is to have all your ducks in a row before you look into dating someone if you have kids. My ex before H had two kids that I had grown very attached to. He only had custody of them every other weekend but I was with him for 3.5 years before I left. He was addicted to pain medication and, although he could hold off while he had custody of his children, he ended up losing custody towards the end of our relationship. I was not able to say goodbye to them and I still wonder if they think about me or wonder where I went. I think they were too young to realize what was happening with their father. It's been a few years now and I still think about them.

I understand that this is an extreme example but even making sure that you're okay with being on your own before you date is important. Putting your children first also means that once they become attached to someone, it's important to think about them and their feelings before ending a relationship over what might be petty reasons. It's hard to explain where I'm coming from with this. 

When I met my husband I knew that he had two kids, one was living with his mother (H's high-school sweetheart) full-time about an hour away (he was 17) and he had joint custody of his daughter (who was 6 at the time). My husband and I aren't the typical couple. We're 14 years apart in age and I have no children as of yet. I would say that I'm mature for my age and though I have hiccups of immaturity, I never expected my husband to put me before his kids. He is invested in his children's lives and that is so amazing to me because it shows what I have to look forward to when we have children together. 

I say also look for signs that your children are needing more attention from you. My step-daughter was very good about telling her dad when she wanted time alone with him but I can imagine that there are children that are not able to be as open about how they feel. She has loved me from the get-go but missed having that time with daddy. I was very respectful of that and I would disappear during those times. Other times, she was very vocal about wanting me to spend time with both of them. 

I'm sure finding the right woman is going to be difficult if you have kids. It'll take some patience and very open communication about expectations. I'm in my mid-twenties and women who are even older than I am have some anticipation about dating a man who has children because they want to be everything to the man they're with. A lot of women don't like to feel as though they have to compete for affections and attention. After my parents divorce, my father met a woman online who lived in Alabama, she had children of her own so he thought she would understand the commitment of having children. She and her 12 y/o daughter moved to Michigan to live with my dad, my brother, my baby sister, and I. Her other children were either adults or close to adults so they stayed in Alabama. My dad had full custody of my youngest sister, who was no more than a toddler at the time, and my brother and I had decided to live with my dad. They lived together for quite some time before getting married and she never stopped competing for attention from my father. She made up lies to make herself appear more interesting and talked badly about me (the eldest daughter and my father's "first baby") and my siblings. The relationship ended up in divorce and we found out a lot more about her than we originally knew (for one, she was still married to another man from Alabama).

It'll take a lot of work to find the right woman that is not only compatible with you but is also compatible with your kids but it's not impossible. My marriage is proof of that.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I love children. I wish we would of had one more. I have 3, which one was with my first husband. My husband took her in as his own. I'd do the same for him if he brought children into our marriage. I'd definitely date a man with children. My husband was previously married, but no children came from his previous marriage.


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## CandieGirl

The truth about dating a man with kids? You've got to deal with their mother! LMAO!


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## FirstYearDown

althea said:


> I would say to anyone, man or woman, about to embark on this to be very wary...
> 
> I belong to another forum for step-parents. I do recognize that people with rosy situations probably aren’t out there looking for advice online, so that forum over represents the difficulties of having a partner with a previously enjoyed family. But while the details vary, there are some universal problems many of us share. I could probably fill a book with my feelings and experiences, but here are some things to watch out for (it’s easier for me to talk about this in terms of men; the problems can be applicable to either gender though):
> 
> 
> Boundaries with other birth parent- A notorious problem is the Dad not wanting to “rock the boat” with his ex, the birth mother. This is all well and good, sounds good in theory at first. The reality can mean allowing the ex to dictate what goes on in his life, allowing intrusive behavior (constant phone calls or texts), or allowing all kinds of craziness in the name of “keeping the peace”.
> 
> Parental Alienation Syndrome- Look this one up. It’s one birth parent mentally poisoning the child(ren) against the other birth parent and/or his new spouse.
> 
> Guilty Parenting (“Disneyland Dad”)- This goes beyond simple material spoiling of children, although that can be part of it. It can mean being overly permissive or allowing unacceptable behavior. Usually their rationalization is along these lines: I only see my child(ren) XX amount of time and don’t want any of it to be negative, it’s their mom’s fault, I can’t undo what their mother teaches them in the amount of time I spend with them, they are victims of divorce and need special treatment. The Guilty Parent will perform all kinds of mental acrobatics to justify the behavior of the child(ren).
> 
> Child(ren) resent new girlfriend/boyfriend- self-explanatory, but permissive or indulgent birth parent might allow antagonistic behavior to continue or escalate.
> 
> Mistaking making children a priority with catering to children- When I got together with my SO, he declared that his children were his number one priority. I thought that was great…the well-being of my children is my number one priority as well. However, where my priority was the health, safety, and well-being of my kids, his turned into catering to every whim of one of his children because of his need to make her number one. This is hard to briefly explain here, but once he realized he wasn’t doing her any favors allowing her to act however she wanted, things improved. Many people, especially those who have not been in this dynamic, will claim unequivocally that it is nature’s intention for children to be #1. Others will claim the bible says a spouse is #1. My opinion is that neither is correct. The two types of love and relationships don’t even belong on the same list. Apples and oranges. Each is a priority in its own way. What can harm either the parental or spousal relationship is the parent wearing blinders and putting either one ahead of the other. There needs to be a healthy amount of priority for both the children and the spouse.
> 
> There are more red flags, I’m sure…but these hit the main points. I’m not sure I did them justice, but hopefully you’ll get the gist of what I’m talking about.
> 
> Mainly, just keep your eyes open and try not to get too involved until you feel comfortable there are not huge warning signs. Even then, you can never be sure. I had known my SO and his kids for years before we got together. Still, I had no way to be prepared for what it was like when we actually lived together. The beginning was very problematic, but mainly due to research and talking on my part, things have improved. I am also here to say that some of the most poisonous words you can hear are “you knew s/he had kids when you got together” and “you’re the adult, so just suck it up”. You will get very trite advice from people who have not been in this scenario. There are some good books out there if you find you really are on the edge of this kind of relationship. There are also bad books that place all responsibility on the (future) step-parent. I guess it all comes down to how the person treats his/her kids and ex, or more notably, how he/she allows them to treat him/her.


:iagree::iagree: Very well written and true.

I briefly dated a single dad who dumped me only because his children thought I was too young. I told him that letting his kids decide who he dates is giving them way too much power. 

I have a lot of respect for those who choose to be step-parents. It is not an easy road to travel at all and I could never do it.


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## cloudwithleggs

I have yet to date a man with children, but i feel i really need too, as i feel they would understand better as i have young children, so my time is limited. 

I must have something that attracts men that don't have children 

I am very guarded about info on my children and i doubt any man that i dated would be meeting them any time soon, i feel like this is the right way to behave.

So i actually would prefer a man with children already, that and already had a vasectomy  :smthumbup:


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## Lon

cloud, why the vasectomy already?

I almost got mine done in march - last thing I need is one drunken night of poor decisions to end up fathering another child. (not like that is even in my nature, lol)

And at nearly 36 I don't want to raise any more kids, however I decided to hold off on the V because I am in transition, who knows I may meet a young traditional woman and fall in love and she may want to have kids together - as long as she is the kind that I know is going to be a spectacular mother I would gladly provide my genetic material... and would be honored she wanted to have my child. But I am not going to be sacrificing my sleep and health, performance in my career, and sex life for kids ever again, and I will be clear on that. So I'm not sure how realistic that is in the modern era.

I figured I'll be using "protection" as long as I haven't found a quality woman worth keeping anyways so it is probably not necessary quite yet to get permanent birth control. If I meet that keeper and she doesn't want to sacrifice for kids either then I will go see the doc.


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## cloudwithleggs

I can't use the pill, so it's condoms and i do dislike the feel.

It seems if a man looks at me wrong i will get pregnant  

And i just don't want any more children less they are someone else's.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

cloudwithleggs said:


> I can't use the pill, so it's condoms and i do dislike the feel.
> 
> It seems if a man looks at me wrong i will get pregnant
> 
> And i just don't want any more children less they are someone else's.


There are other options for birth control like the Norplant or IUD. I'm allergic to latex and that includes condoms. Luckily, they make a brand latex free. My hubby and I frequently used them for the last 9 years without one ever failing. I'm in no shape to raise another baby with my neck injury. Finally hubby got his vasectomy done a few months back, so we no longer need to worry.

Using a condom is much better then getting pregnant by far. Plus, if your single, it helps prevent STD's.


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## ladybird

I think dating a man who is very involved with his children's lives would be great. I would see red flags if he wasn't involved in their lives.


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## heartsbeating

One of my friends is in her early 40's, spent most of her life traveling the globe as a model and having children wasn't part of that life-style. She met her (now) husband who has two children. They have been through a lot together already but it's made them stronger. And for the record, he's a short dude. Height seems to crop up in these forums so I'm putting it out there. Short dude with two kids snagged a tall and gorgeous (inside and out, she really is lovely) model. 

He's a great guy too. So, of course I can reverse that sentiment with the kind of man she snagged! He's a very actively involved father. 

Another friend, in her early 30's is due to marry a man with two kids. He's about 10 years older. She hasn't had her own children (although I believe that's on the cards for them - he's reversing his V) and they are great together. It's certainly been an adjustment for all involved but for the positive.


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## heartsbeating

Me on the other hand? I'd have to give the kids a pop-quiz. If they're into Justin Bieber, forget it. If they dig Led Zeppelin, they're in. Bonus points if they know who Bruce Wayne is.


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## working_together

I'm dating someone who has his kids one week on, one week off, I guess it's what they call joint custody. We don't usually hang out much when he has them, but it really doesn't make much of a difference because we don't see each other during the week at all. My kids are with me during the week, so I'll see him on the weekends. When he has his girls, I won't see him much at all. He still wants me to come over, but I feel weird about it, and only go over once they're asleep. I have met them though. He's fairly balanced about his kids, and having a personal life I think. So, yes I would date someone with kids, maybe not teenagers...man they can be mean to their parents dates...so I've heard..lol


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## Southern belles

Ladies I need help. What's your opinion on dating a guy that has 3 kids? He's 45 and has a 1 and 5 year old, 17 year old. 2 have mental issues and take a lot of mess, don't listen at all, baby momma drama, he's got loads of back child support coming, so much money he owes people, would you date him? What would you think of the situation?


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