# Wife had an affair and divorced me



## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

Hi all.

English is not my native language so please excuse my poor writing.

During 2016 my wife had an affair with a work collegue and she decided to divorce me for the OM in December. She did not even thought about our 12 years old son.

It was not the first time she was unfaithful to me, in 2007 I discovered her cheating (sexting) with a friend (or not so) of mine. I forgave her at that time and never thought she would do it again.

This could be posted under Divorce and Separation but the truth is that is not divorce what really hurts but her cheating. 

I feel devastated and I can't do anything to feel better. Although I was not the perfect husband I've been always faithful and a good provider. She blamed everything on me, as is usual in these cases.

I'm having personal counceling since december and I'm not that depressed anymore. But I still feel betrayed and abandoned.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Fill your free time. Join a group, take up a hobby, volunteer to help the less fortunate. You'll feel better.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Fill your free time. Join a group, take up a hobby, volunteer to help the less fortunate. You'll feel better.


MJ, 

Thank you for your reply, I'm lucky I have little free time and I already have a hobby, I play the guitar and I have improved my playing a lot in the past months. Volunteer to help others seems a bit difficult since my lack of free time but it's something I would like.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

pantriste said:


> MJ,
> 
> Thank you for your reply, I'm lucky I have little free time and I already have a hobby, I play the guitar and I have improved my playing a lot in the past months. Volunteer to help others seems a bit difficult since my lack of free time but it's something I would like.


Playing guitar is a lovely hobby, but can be solitary. Have you thought of occasionally going to places like children's wards at hospitals or homes for the elderly and infirm and playing for the people there?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She's just one broken woman in a sea of good women. At some point, it's likely that she'll cheat on her new boyfriend and destroy that relationship as well. It's just who she is. In time, you'll find the love of a good woman who will be devoted to you and only you.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

This is a horrible place to be in, I can't say to much as I'm in a pretty grim place myself. However I believe it's just a season you are in and it will pass. As painful as it is, it sounds da like you are in a better place then her new bf. He will forever be looking over his shoulder. You've been set free from her wayward ways. In time you'll be confident to recognise your worth and love will visit again. Best wishes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Sleeping with a younger, hotter woman really helps.  

And, your written English is considerably better than many if not most native speakers IMO.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

Tatsuhiko and Youngwife1000, I'm supposed to find some consolation knowing I will be better off without her but it's been 22 years (been married for 15) 

After I forgave her the first time we conceibed out second son. He died one month after he was born. We went through so much because of her that I can't understand how could she do it twice. If I hadn't forgave her I wouldn't have buryed a son (and my first child a brother) nor my son would have to suffer a painful death.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

OnTheRocks said:


> Sleeping with a younger, hotter woman really helps.
> 
> And, your written English is considerably better than many if not most native speakers IMO.


I've done it but I was so proud of being able to make love only to the woman I trully loved and I no longer have that!

Every time a friend was showing off about a woman he had been with I always thought "What a fool! I make love to the one I love, that's the real deal not sleeping with any woman no matter how appealing she is".

I've been with my second woman at 38 and I was terrified.

Thank you for your kind compliments.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

pantriste said:


> MJ,
> 
> Thank you for your reply, I'm lucky I have little free time and I already have a hobby, I play the guitar and I have improved my playing a lot in the past months. Volunteer to help others seems a bit difficult since my lack of free time but it's something I would like.


Also, Pantriste, give yourself more time to recover. It's normal to still be strongly affected by something this traumatic for more than a year. Eventually you'll get there.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

There is no such thing as a soul mate. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet, without a woman. After you do that, female companionship will be a bonus, but not a need.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pantriste said:


> Hi all.
> 
> English is not my native language so please excuse my poor writing.
> 
> ...


*So sorry to see you going through this, but now you should start looking out for the welfare of that precious child of yours and immediately employ "the 180" and also get to a "piranha" family attorney who will foremostly look after your and your child's primary interests!

Welcome to TAM! Hate to see you here, but you've come to the right place for help and erstwhile advise!*


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

pantriste said:


> MJ,
> 
> I play the guitar and I have improved my playing a lot in the past months.


Find you some folks to jam with.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> There is no such thing as a soul mate. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet, without a woman. After you do that, female companionship will be a bonus, but not a need.


Not only is this the truth, but it will drive good women in your direction.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

pantriste said:


> Hi all.
> 
> English is not my native language so please excuse my poor writing.
> 
> ...


 the trash took itself out. be glad she is gone.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

KaggyBear said:


> the trash took itself out. be glad she is gone.


Kaggy,

Thank you for your comment. What you said is so true. 

I'm glad I'm not with a person with such a lack of character and values but sadly she took my family from me and she is trying to took away a lot a of money from me too.

I want to start again, to get to know someone and to enjoy my son but she obviously wants me economically broken even if that affects our son.

I don't understand why, even with my flaws I was always true to her and gave her everything a man could give. Sex was never a problem and we used to go out as a couple or as a family. I don't buy the "rutine" excuse.

So how can a middle age, short and overweight man find happiness again in his life?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Work on yourself.
Protect your money. Block her from your accounts. Lawyer.

Never trust her or anything she says. Document her actions, especially abusive ones. You should purchase as VAR for your protection for every time you have to interact with her - remember, she is your enemy, and thus - may accuse you of assault.

What is middle age? Guys in their 50s and 60s met new women and have sexual relationships.
Go to the gym, work out... working out that fat will help YOU feel better about yourself.
Get the app called LOSE IT! It is a calorie counter and work-out log tool. So if you are 70lbs overweight - time to work that off. Lose up to 2lb~3lbs a week.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

pantriste said:


> Kaggy,
> 
> Thank you for your comment. What you said is so true.
> 
> ...


Find new hobbies and start working out start eating clean. Take care of yourself. Trust me. Exercise is excellent for gaining back your confidence and good for depression. Explore new social circles where there are single women that you like. Try not to spend too much time sitting around trapped with your thoughts. Keep busy.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Block her from everything financial. Do not ever write her cheques, give her cash and make her sign a receipt. 
One of my clients did something that officially I had to discourage, however, my client was not impressed that his ex was attempting to overturn their financial agreement. They were sitting in my office, her solicitor was running late and his appeared to be drifting off, when he dropped this bombshell on her; He basically said, "You know, I can walk into a good number of bars in this town, and give a guy a g-note, and he will "take you out" and make it look like an accident. This was said with a straight face and chillingly unemotional. For a g and a half, he can torture you too. His lawyer and I both jumped to our feet. Hey, I exclaimed, just so you know, privilege does not attach in your accountant's office. He/She can be compelled in a court of law to testify against you. The ex-wife on the other hand, knew her ex and awaited her solicitor. They quietly dropped the action. I dropped the client. I need that like a hole in the head. I like winning cases. Not that way.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

@TaDor, @KaggyBear and @Taxman,

Thank you all for your kind comments. 

Financially speaking she wants more and more from me. She will get something since laws overprotect women these days no matter what they did or do but she wont get everything she wants.

No fault divorces condone everything a wayward spouse did to a the other. So we take the blame, we should accept the loss and the betrayal and yet get no justice.

Since I'm the one feeling really bad I'm not funny nor happy any more and my son doesn't want to stay around me. 

I know that even if he gets to know what his mother did he will justify her actions somehow just because she is his mother and he loves her. I don't want him to lose that, every child should love his mother but it is unfair to be the one that made everything right and be treated like I should be the one to blame.

So my loss is complete.

I will try to work out, it's just I'm not in the mood for anything. I might be wrong but I feel my physic won't let me meet other nice women, so this is a must but I currently can't.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Read this, OP.

Losing everything has the smell of a self fulfilling prophecy. 

That means it only happens if you allow it.

Resilience begins with you.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I hate my long-dead father for being the serial cheater he always was.

Pretty much ALL kids grow up to hate or not respect the parent that destroys the family.

Take the high ground. Don't lie to your kids.

"Why did you and mommy break up?"

"Because she wanted more penises in her - so she lied and cheated behind our back. That is what was important to her".


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Well, now that she has managed to turn your son against you, I then advise you to take a powder for now. For your own well being, and because the 180 is difficult to achieve with a harpy on your shoulder. If you possibly can, get out of town for a few months. Give her the financing that you CAN AFFORD, then go. Do not tell anyone other than your closest confidants where you are going. This is a little radical, but you need to heal from this. Yes, she is likely to rack up court request after court request, but sooner, rather than later, she will tire of running, and give up. You, OTOH, will have sufficient distance and peace so that you may do some introspection, get some psychiatric help and heal from the wounds she inflicted.

Be well sir.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

@farsidejunky, Thank you for the link. I definitely idenfy myself as a Rescuer. That's who I am, it seems I've been trained to be one.

@TaDor, I've been reading several of your comments, thank you for your time and good advices. Yesterday I was tempted to tell my son the truth. He hates seeing me sad or angry almost everyday and I thought if he knew the reason of my mood he would understand me but friend of mine adviced me not to. So I keep carrying my burden alone.

@Taxman, your idea is quite tempting but I can't do it. I don't think my son was turned against me but he is no longer enjoying when we are together. I know he sees his mother happy, he has told me so and that depresses me more because I cannot understand how could she so easily turn her back to me and her family and be happy. 

I've been dating a couple of women and it was not that bad. First I was terrified, sexually I've only knew my wife. To be with another woman at my age was not easy but everything went fine. I feel a bit better because of that. Now I know I can date women and I'm sure it could be much better if I work on myself. 

Those women helped me to keep my mind away from my ex and situation for a moment but I'm not anywhere near to be able to date seriously someone yet.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

pantriste said:


> @farsidejunky, Thank you for the link. I definitely idenfy myself as a Rescuer. That's who I am, it seems I've been trained to be one.
> 
> @TaDor, I've been reading several of your comments, thank you for your time and good advices. Yesterday I was tempted to tell my son the truth. He hates seeing me sad or angry almost everyday and I thought if he knew the reason of my mood he would understand me but friend of mine adviced me not to. So I keep carrying my burden alone.
> 
> ...


 Tell your son. Martyring yourself to your son for the sake of your cheating wife is ridiculous. Your son deserves the truth and your wife doesn't deserve you deceiving your son for her..


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

pantriste, 

I believe that your friend might be right about keeping some of your emotions to yourself. But there can be nothing wrong with simply telling your son the facts about your situation. You should not be trying to turn your son against his mother. But it seems very fair for you to simply share the facts as objectively as you can with him. 

When you are with your son, try to focus more on your relationship with him and let other things go for that time. You don't have to pretend to be in a good mood if that isn't how you feel. But you can try and make the time you spend with him about him, not about you or how down you are feeling. 

I'm sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Tell your son the truth. What is the point of lying? It was lying from your wife that started the mess. He asked...

Tell him in a way that works for his age.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

you will be better off in the long run.

best wishes


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

TaDor said:


> Tell your son the truth. What is the point of lying? It was lying from your wife that started the mess. He asked...
> 
> Tell him in a way that works for his age.


I think I will but his mom will say I'm lying so it will be up to him to believe me or not.

Last week I saw her passing by, she looked so happy. I cannot understand how anyone can make a thing like this and don't feel any guilt nor remorse. Some say karma is a b!tch and it is because it's not shown up. In fact I don't believe in karma since it's just a fairy tale invented by wronged people who invented it as a consolation tool.

But what bothers me more is that some people here when they realize they are being betrayed they just stand their ground and say "enough is enough" how can I still love a women that cheated twice (as far as I know) and left me for OM? Why don't I have any seft esteem or respect?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

That is why you record a conversation about the affair... her cheating... make it a rehash.... Then when he's even older - you can always play it back for him. Then he can her the words of his own mom talking about her affair and how it lead up to your break up.

He will hate or dislike her even more so because she ALSO spent years LYING TO HIM.

You don't owe her any favors.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

@TaDor I have evidence enough to back up the story.

It's so sad a spouse permits him/herself to speak with another person what it should be spoken with their husband or wife.

They seem to believe they fall I love with the other person because something is wrongwith their marriage. I don't subscribe to that point of view. They play a game they think they can handle and obviously they can't. Same as with drug addicts.

Enviado desde mi HTC U11 mediante Tapatalk


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

A little update.

Today I'm meeting my son's therapist and I will ask her how telling the truth will affect him.

I think we both deserve him to know the truth but I don't want to give him more reasons to be stressed.

One of the things she took from me was my honor telling everybody she was getting a divorce because I mistreated her. That was not true and even if I can't get my good name back to some people I want to regain my honor in my son's eyes.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

Well, my last post was a month ago. And what a month it was!

An update is needed (at least for me to rant a little)

I told my son the truth about his mother's affair. He understood everything inmediately and he even apologized for the way he treated me during these months. Our relationship is getting better and better, we are much closer now and I am much better too, happier.

She asked for an alimony raise and I rejected it, so there's gonna be a trial. Nothing new under the sun.

She is angry at me. I think she is angry because I discovered her affair and we have no contact because of her deceipt and betrayal. She wanted us to be friends but lost the oportunity being unfaithful, the only thing she has left is the AP and she knows it has little chances to last. I'm pretty sure she has what she wanted but she is not better nor happier than before. 

In her made up fantasy world she expected all to be moonlight and roses, little she knew about the real life of a divorced woman.

In the other hand I'm doing quite well. I have dated some women, some of them were really nice. I still have to improve myself in several ways but it seems to be desirable but not a must for meeting beautiful women.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You should demand a alimony reduction. Let her stay mad. Friends don't stab friends in the back and demand to get paid for It. The sense of entitlement never ceases to amaze me. Good riddance she is in the. rear view mirror. Concentrate on son and moving on with your life. You are doing great!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Alimony raise? I would be fighting to have no alimony.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Alimony raise? I would be fighting to have no alimony.


Here in Argentina al divorces are no-fault and alimony is obligatory (if there are children to take care of) for the man no matter if he earns less than his ex wife (no my case) or they share children custody equally

So the man keeps being the provider. Gender equality is a myth here.

But something interesting is happening because of this. Every time I speak to a divorced woman everyone of them complains about the lack of commitment most men in their forties have. Most divorced men were abandoned by their ex-wifes and many of them are being kept economically hostages by the mother of their children. They don't want to repeat the story so they don't want to get into serious relationships.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

So does this alimony/child support end when the children reach 18?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

pantriste said:


> Here in Argentina al divorces are no-fault and alimony is obligatory (if there are children to take care of) for the man no matter if he earns less than his ex wife (no my case) or they share children custody equally
> 
> So the man keeps being the provider. Gender equality is a myth here.
> 
> But something interesting is happening because of this. Every time I speak to a divorced woman everyone of them complains about the lack of commitment most men in their forties have. Most divorced men were abandoned by their ex-wifes and many of them are being kept economically hostages by the mother of their children. They don't want to repeat the story so they don't want to get into serious relationships.


Interstesting byproduct of the system. 

I am glad you told your son. He deserved to know the truth and it has freed both of you. You have integrity and there is a good woman out there who will be lucky to have you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

pantriste said:


> Here in Argentina al divorces are no-fault and alimony is obligatory (if there are children to take care of) for the man no matter if he earns less than his ex wife (no my case) or they share children custody equally
> 
> So the man keeps being the provider. Gender equality is a myth here
> 
> But something interesting is happening because of this. Every time I speak to a divorced woman everyone of them complains about the lack of commitment most men in their forties have. Most divorced men were abandoned by their ex-wifes and many of them are being kept economically hostages by the mother of their children. They don't want to repeat the story so they don't want to get into serious relationships.


Damn! Argentina is worse than some places in the USA.
The welfare of the children are the primary motive in the US.

I had thoughts of retiring to Argentina years ago primarily because one of my favorite authors live there and he makes it sound like a no stop party. But screw that. No way I am going there now. Obligatory alimony for a cheater who abandons her child? No way!


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> So does this alimony/child support end when the children reach 18?


Not 18 but 21.

And if the "children" go to the university they can sue the parents to have child support until they are 25.

The main difference is that until he is 18 I have to pay to the mother, after that hdirectly to him.


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## pantriste (Jul 21, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> Interstesting byproduct of the system.
> 
> I am glad you told your son. He deserved to know the truth and it has freed both of you. You have integrity and there is a good woman out there who will be lucky to have you.


Yes, it has freed both of us. That's so true!

Thank you for your kind words!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

pantriste said:


> Here in Argentina al divorces are no-fault and alimony is obligatory (if there are children to take care of) for the man no matter if he earns less than his ex wife (no my case) or they share children custody equally
> 
> So the man keeps being the provider. Gender equality is a myth here.
> 
> But something interesting is happening because of this. Every time I speak to a divorced woman everyone of them complains about the lack of commitment most men in their forties have. Most divorced men were abandoned by their ex-wifes and many of them are being kept economically hostages by the mother of their children. They don't want to repeat the story so they don't want to get into serious relationships.


In other words..... one would be encouraged to cheat rather than stay M. All the incentive is to

D.... you can thank the church for a lot of that. Why would a middle aged guy in your country 

want an LTR..... last one he was in cost him his living standard. Reason younger men are staying away

from M all together. Course.... we all thought the best way to defeat a country is by force....

not anymore..... just destroy the foundation, the family, and the rest will follow.

Takes a lot longer than all out war but you lose no soldiers.

Anytime I hear equal rights in the US... I just chuckle.


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