# Divorce - Long read sorry



## M&M (Jun 15, 2011)

Long read sorry but it gives the background.

Ok so my H and I have been together for a little over 6 yrs. I found out about 2 years ago he was abusing drugs. He was smoking a lot of weed and taking a lot of pain meds. One day while cleaing I found a huge stash of pain meds in our entry way at which I confronted hima nd of course he denied it all. 

For the last 2 yrs (maybe a little longer) our relationship has been very distance. He was never interested in me and was just always angry. About a year ago I gave him teh ultimatum-either he gets clean or I am taking our daughter and leaving. Needless to say he just began to resent me. I think he was resenting me for hindering his ability to get high.

So in Jan this year I began looking for jobs and a place to live. I informed him of this, his response was a hmm. With the economy as bad as it is the only job I could find that would support me and my daughter was 8 hrs away (luckly i ahve a few friends in that area). I began traveling back and forth to set things up get a place to live and do the job interview process and training.

In March I left. At which time my H said it was out of the blue and that I must be having an affair. He also at this point decided to go to rehab. But for me it was a little to late. I have spent 2 yrs coming to terms with the fact our marriage was over.

Now I am living 8 hrs away and he says he is getting help, also that he was diagnosed being bi-polar. I have not disclosed our new address with him because he is so all over the place I honestly do not know what he would do if he just showed up here.

I feel terrible that our daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. But after years of being neglected herself I guess she doesnt see him as daddy (she is 5).

He is now interested in marriage couseling but I am not. What should I do? Am I wrong for givnig up on our marriage? I feel I deserve tobe happy and I honestly dont think he can ever make me happy again.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

If there is any shred of love left for your H, I would try going to counseling. Give it a few sessions. At least you'll know you gave it absolutely everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

It seems like you would be going to counseling for you, not him at this point. Since you have already made so many decisions and moves to make a life for you and your daughter I would think there would be a very slim chance of you changing your mind. With that said, I would agree with DG, if there is any shred of love for you left in him AND you have any thoughts of having a chance with him; I would give counseling a chance. At least you can leave with a clear conscience that you tried everything you could. And when your daughter is old enough to understand, she may ask you why and at least you can tell her that you did everything possible. On the other hand, if you are absolutely sure that you have moved on, then it may not be worth it.

Just my .02 worth.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

I say give counseling a try, ONLY IF you still have some love left for him so you can say you gave it your all. His drug addiction was his self-medicating for the bipolar disorder so he needs medical attention and counseling. If he begins individual counseling and a treatment regimine for his bipolar would you consider giving the relationship another chance? But as a word of caution, those with biploar may not always stay on their meds because they feel they have it "under control" and when they stop, they spiral out of control again and it becomes a rollercoaster of being off and on meds. If the relationship doesn't work between you and him, he needs to work to establish a good relationship with your daughter and that means remaining on his meds and seeking couseling.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Ok, I kinda agree but also kinda disagree with everyone else... Sorry guys...


But here's why. If you're only going to counseling so that you can say "well, I gave it everthing I could..." Then I don't see the point. It would be a lie. Giving it everything would require a willingness on your part to actually try saving your marriage. That would require opening your heart up to the possibility that your husband might really be trying and maintaining hope for the future of your marriage. But if you're doing it with the sole purpose that someday you can tell your daughter you gave it your all... Then don't. You'd just be lying to your daughter.

I'm not saying not to do it. I am ALL for seeing marriages saved. But know that even though you probably don't feel LOVE in your heart for him right now, that doesn't mean much. love is action not feeling. Feelings come and go. With what he's put you through I'm not surprised you don't "feel" the love. Its way harder to love someone when you don't feel it. And yet, its the right thing to do since he is your husband and all. If he's admitting he has a problem and is trying to get help, help him. He probably needs you more than you know. That would be love...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It's going to be a LOOONG journey for someone who is into drugs as much as you claim your husband is, to leave that behind. If it were me, I'd stay separated (you don't have to file for divorce) until long term behavior changes proved he was a new man.


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## M&M (Jun 15, 2011)

Thanks for all the input. I had been really considering talking to him about going to couseling. However the last 2 days have been really bad. I am assuming it is mainly due to the bipolar. He is back to being very hateful.. To the point that he is now telling me that he knows I never loved him and that he is positive that I was having an affair and that is why I left because he did nothing wrong. I am a nurse so I do understand that it is an illiness but to the same point he should still have enough of a filter to not hit the send button on an email.

With all of this going on how do I handle helping him maintain a realationshiop with his daughter? HOw could I ever trust him enough to take care of her for a weekend and know that he isnt going to have a mental break?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm not sure you can. How about supervised visits?


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