# dont know how to handle this separation/divorce



## lh44 (Aug 6, 2011)

married 18 years-2 kids girl 11 boy 15 im 51 wife almost 51

9 yrs ago my wife found me doing the online relationship thing-explicit emails-pictures about fantasies with others-women-couples-

she was very hurt-and i was very sorry-i love her deeply even to this day-she forgave me but never forgot-

then again 4 yrs ago i repeated this mistake- again she was devestated-rejected etc and she did stay but its never been the same since-i was never physically with another person

i never wanted those other people i dont know why i did it and i went to therapy for help

i know i caused the main problem in the relationship i screwed up her love and trust towards me i know that and she fell out of love with me

3 ys ago my actions drove her to someone else-a friend we know from a dance club we go to regularly-she fell for him-however it was platonic with them.in my wifes eyes were planning to be together in a few years because at the time he was going thru a divorce and had a young daughter as well-but he did not want my wifes romantic advances -just friends-and then when i confronted him-he stepped aside so my wife and i could work it out and keep the family together-my wife was not happy but she came back to me

we did not see him for a year-now he is going back to the club that last couple of weeks-he has his divorce and when my wife saw him again and found out a couple of weeks ago-her attitude toward me changed- she got nasty again to me and a week ago said she wants out

3 weeks ago she is talking about our future-now she wants out-and its only because of him- it coincided with his return and he hasnt even said he wants something with her-they havent spoken yet-

but now she wants a divorce and it will break up our family-my wife is unemployed right now and our home is underwater and i could and was going to save it but not now.she is going to have to find an apartment-and her mother lives with us
the kids may also have to change schools

what is she thinking-she is being selfish right now-maybe we werent going to last forever but dont do this now-wait til the kids get older-wait til shes working

i tried to make this marrige work-but she never wanted to go to counseling of any kind-thats just her personality-i still want to make it work-she justs keep living in the past-i know what i did was wrong and i will never repeat it-i want to keep the family together-for now anyway-for the kids

what makes this even harder for me-she keeps verbally blaming me everyday making me feel guilty-which i do-she really loved me and i know i screwed it up-she has so much anger

i am still in the house-she started divorce

its my house but should i leave-should i get out of her face-a friend of hers said give her a chance to miss you-get lost-let her handle the kids and house by herself-i dont know-other people tell me to stay-but sometimes i dont want to see her getting all sexed up to go out

even more-all her friends were mine all our relationship so now she has them for support and i have no friends-just an old mom and dad-i have my kids-but you know-she goes out multiple times a week now

it hard for me- how should i handle it-but she seems so happy-although i know shes not-i probably left out some things but any advice would be appreciated


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't know what to tell you. You cheated once, and said sorry...then did it again.

That blows most trust out of the water. Did you think she would forgive and forgive? People can only take so much.

I saw to let her do what she does...maybe even leave. But then again, it's not my marriage.

Sorry if I sound harsh or rude, but it seems I've been reading a TON of posts lately written by people who keep cheating and then wonder what they should do. It's ridiculous. STOP CHEATING!


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## jason29927 (Aug 1, 2011)

Step 1 is for you to go to counseling. Immediately. Not saying you're crazy or anything, but getting all of this out with a counselor will help you understand yourself and the situation much better and then you can make a GOOD decision.


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## Freedom50 (Aug 25, 2011)

So from someone who is at the other end of the same thing, meaning my wife was the one doing the online dating thing and cheating, I'll tell you this: you are fooling yourself and lying to yourself. You do not want her for who she is, you want her for what she can give you. Stop torturing everyone; make a peaceful divorce and let both of you get on with your lives.


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

I honestly dont know what to really say. Me being on the end where I've been cheated on and lied too and hes the one who wants out. 

She forgave you once for cheating and then did it a second time. I have to think shes strong for doing that. But who knows how she really felt. 

I think staying for the kids is not a good enough reason to stay together. Your children are old enough and more then likely know whats going on. 

My 3 year old has felt that something is different in my situation. 

I would probably move out if that was me or even make her leave and you keep the house with the kids. 

Counseling right now is a great thing to do. Even if she wont you need to think for you. If she's not willing to help herself and her marriage then you need to help you. Work on making you better. There were reason as to why you cheated (even if it didnt go all the way- the cheating you did im assuming was more an emotional cheating- emails, letters and such). To work on yourself you need to figure out why you did that in the first place. 

Someone wanting a divorce and the other spouse not wanting one is pretty hard to swallow thats for sure- I know first hand.


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