# Trust Issues



## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

Hi, this topic interests me. I'm still single or should i say, getting married soon (that's the plan) and dealing with "trust" issues. My fiance (my boyfriend of 8 years) had an "accidental" affair with another woman and impregnated her. I don't want to detail it longer but to sum it all, that's what happened. He didn't want to marry the other because he doesn't love her and didn't want anything to do with her. And the woman giving me a *****y messages. My fiance, asked for my forgiveness and told me what happened. And I believed him, enough for me to stay.To trust once more. But. there's a big "but". What happened still remain on my head and sometimes i still say it to his face. I love him. i really do, but I am thinking of the future anymore. What will happen to our soon to be family, my would be kids. Is staying will make me bad person because I didn't think of the other child? That I still choose to marry him and be with him, not considering the other woman and child? He doesn't love her, he just had the company he's looking for.(because we're worlds apart), and she just grabbed that chance. By the way, the woman knows that, he's getting married. I asked her why then, she just said," i love him" and "I want him". The nerve to tell me that! I'd let him go, but he said asked for another chance , and he wouldn't choose bet me and the other woman, cause in the first place, I'm the one he loves and going to marry. And I love him.Am I doing something wrong? 

Will this cause future separation if ever we get through the wedding plan? Any advice? Badly needed one cause I'm zero knowledge about marriage.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

*Re: Growing up trusting...*

I don't think I could cope with my H cheating and impregnating another woman. That woman will be with you for the rest of your life if you keep your fiance around. He will have contact with her up until the child turns 18 AT LEAST. A lot of closure and deal breakers come from the cheating spouces ability to cut off contact with the OW/OM. To me, my H can't be trusted with that individual and to have constant contact with her after the affair is something I couldn't personally handle.

If she still has feelings and is unable to let him go, you will have a HUGE problem on your hands. You will constantly have to compete with the OW for your man's affection and trust, and she will use the child to get to him. The OW in my situation pretended to be pregnant and told everyone that he abused her and she lost the child when he left her (which is a load of crap).

There are no "accidental" affairs. Please think twice about marrying this man. I don't see it ending well at all.


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## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

*Re: Growing up trusting...*



JazzTango2Step said:


> If she still has feelings and is unable to let him go, you will have a HUGE problem on your hands. You will constantly have to compete with the OW for your man's affection and trust, and she will use the child to get to him.


Thank you. OW and fiance doesn't have contacts anymore and she said he will not see the child. She also stops sending me messages. Since she knew that we're pushing through the wedding. I saw the efforts on his side, taking responsibility and talking to my family. That's why I'm confused, well, aside from the fact that I love him.

Anyway, thanks so much. I appreciated the immediate reply.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This response is from JazzTango2Step from a thread which was split.


JazzTango2Step said:


> M25 - I would ask the OW to get a DNA test if she insists on child support. She may change her mind after the child is born and want the father in her life again. She sounds crazy enough, and then after birth hormones will just make her crazier. Regardless, you will probably have to deal with her for as long as you're married to your fiance. If my H had ever cheated on me before we were married, I would have never married him. There are no accidental affairs. Be careful with your decision, it isn't as simple as you're trying to make it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah,,, being sued for child support 10 years down the line into your own marriage doesnt sound so fun. But then again, neither does marrying a guy that gets a girl preggo from a one nite stand. Sounds very responsible to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

m25 said:


> My fiance (my boyfriend of 8 years) had an "accidental" affair with another woman and impregnated her.


Nope. sorry. It doesn't work that way. His affair wasn't "accidental." Stop making excuses for him. 

I would not marry him if I were you.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Nope. sorry. It doesn't work that way. His affair wasn't "accidental." Stop making excuses for him.
> 
> I would not marry him if I were you.


Exactly. 

I'm not sure how you could believe it was accidental. It certainly doesn't sound like a drunken one night stand (which still isn't accidental). This woman wants and loves him. It sounds like there's history there and she's willing to fight for him. Right now she's doing that by saying, "Fine, you can't see your child!" She's hoping that will force him to come around. 

If you're going to do this, be prepared to have his child and the OW in your life over the next 18 years. If you can't handle that, end it.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

I am sorry your going through this and please take the advice given to you from the men and women on this forum- we have, in one way or another, been in the same boat or are in the boat!

I would not marry this man. There is more to the story. If it was an "accident" then she shouldn't have "love" feelings for him! 

I agree with the other posters, an affair is NOT an accident!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I would love to be able to talk to you one on one--cuz I bet I could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, and anything else----you are one gullible lady

What your boyfriend did WAS NOT ACCIDENTAL----he did not just fall down on top of her, and his thing found its way inside---what they did was planned--AND YOU KNOW IT---I f you choose to ignore his lies, then shame on you---Do not believe for one 2nd that his AP, with child is not gonna be in your life for the next 18 yrs---the minute she needs money---she knows exactly where to go to get it

One thing you are missing, or you don't want to face is---THAT YOUR ROAMING Fiance is that kids father, AND HE HAS A DUTY TO THAT KID--whether you like it or not---that kid SHOULD/NEEDS TO BE IN YOUR bf'S LIFE FOREVER---he is his father

THAT SAID---IF HE SHIRKS THAT DUTY, YOU ARE CONTINUING YOUR RELATIOSHIP WITH ONE OF THE BIGGEST SCUM THERE IS ON THE EARTH, a father that refuses to take care of his own child

Is this how you wanna start your married life---If you do I wish you luck, cuz you are gonna have a lot of misery


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## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

Thank you so much guys for all the advise. and sorry for the word 'accidental affair'. I shouldn't have use that. 

I really do appreciate the answers, nor didn't expect the immediate replies. but it's good. I'm single, a career woman, and pretty enough (i guess  ) to deserve more than this. Anyway, i still have to mend a broken heart and confusions.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

m25 said:


> Hi, this topic interests me. I'm still single or should i say, getting married soon (that's the plan) and dealing with "trust" issues. My fiance (my boyfriend of 8 years) had an "accidental" affair


No such thing as accidental. He deliberately made the choice to be with her. does he show deep remorse and show he can be trusted to never do that again?


> with another woman and impregnated her. I don't want to detail it longer but to sum it all, that's what happened. He didn't want to marry the other because he doesn't love her and didn't want anything to do with her. And the woman giving me a *****y messages. My fiance, asked for my forgiveness and told me what happened. And I believed him, enough for me to stay.To trust once more. But. there's a big "but". What happened still remain on my head and sometimes i still say it to his face. I love him. i really do, but I am thinking of the future anymore. What will happen to our soon to be family, my would be kids. Is staying will make me bad person because I didn't think of the other child? That I still choose to marry him and be with him, not considering the other woman and child? He doesn't love her, he just had the company he's looking for.(because we're worlds apart), and she just grabbed that chance.


So what if the chance comes up in the future with someone else. Do you believe he can be faithful? Is he willing to do what it takes to show you he can be trusted and faithful, and does he take full responsibility for his actions?



> By the way, the woman knows that, he's getting married. I asked her why then, she just said," i love him" and "I want him". The nerve to m the one he loves and going to marry. And I love him.Am I doing somethtell me that! I'd let him go, but he said asked for another chance , and he wouldn't choose bet me and the other woman, cause in the first place, I'ing wrong?
> 
> Will this cause future separation if ever we get through the wedding plan? Any advice? Badly needed one cause I'm zero knowledge about marriage.


It could cause problems for sure, because he has all ready shown you he has poor impulse control and has let you down allready.

like it or not he may have a child on the way and he needs to be a man about that and support his child, because the child is innocent. So you have to decide if you can live with a man who cheated on you and also if you can deal with having the child in your life.

I would also say that if he doesn't step up and be a father to the child, that shows what kind of a man he really is.


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## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

Syrum said:


> like it or not he may have a child on the way and he needs to be a man about that and support his child, because the child is innocent. So you have to decide if you can live with a man who cheated on you and also if you can deal with having the child in your life.
> 
> I would also say that if he doesn't step up and be a father to the child, that shows what kind of a man he really is.


yes, already told him that, he needs to support the child. Actually he was doing it now, and the mother of the child made him paid her $5000 loan on her company which i found it odd. Because, in my opinion, he could support the child( and he is) but the loan?? I don't think so. What is this loan about. But then again, If he will not pay, his family, including me, are at risk because OW threaten us all.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Your so called fiance is NOT marriage material. So sorry to be harsh, my love. It's just that a man who will have the balls to explain an affair as a "mistake" is an irresponsible child! What, she tripped and landed on his d*ck? This baby will be around forever; how would you explain this child to the family you created with this man?!
Give the ring back and dodge this bullet. I would also recommend IC. The fact that you would even entertain staying with such a pig, shows that you do not think highly of yourself. Self esteem is a constant battle for women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Yeah, the loan is fishy. It's just another mark against your boyfriend. So, it makes one wonder what pull this OW really has on your boyfriend. 

Has a paternity test ever been done? I know of another case where a paternity test was never asked for or done back in the 80's. It's a long story, but the 16 year old girl said the baby was by a certain guy. The guy never challenged the accusation. And he paid child support 18 years. But, then something happened when the child turned 18. A paternity test was done. And guess what? The son was not his biological child.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

m25 said:


> yes, already told him that, he needs to support the child. Actually he was doing it now, and the mother of the child made him paid her $5000 loan on her company which i found it odd. Because, in my opinion, he could support the child( and he is) but the loan?? I don't think so. What is this loan about. But then again, If he will not pay, his family, including me, are at risk because OW threaten us all.


She can not make him do a thing. He chose to give her that money. Would you give money to someone you had sex with once and didn't care about? Once the baby is born he should go to court to establish paternity and parental rights. There's no need for him to be in contact with her now. 

How does the OW threaten you? Get a restraining order. If you give in to her threats, do you really think she's going to change her behavior? By marrying this man and giving in to the OW you're asking for a lifetime of stress.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Listen to these posters---they have a ton of experience---you are setting yourself up for a miserable life---is that what you want---mge is very hard work under the best of situations---and here you are, blindly closing your eyes, staying with, either a known cheater, or a doofus, who is too stupid to know what he is doing, but doesn't really care

He seems to give in to whatever this woman wants---so lets say you do marry this guy, which would be unbelievable ---anyway lets say you are married---and she wants something outlandish, that will cost a goodly sum of money---are you just gonna stand by and watch your marital assets fly out the window---I would guess you are gonna work---are you willing to work for that woman and her child---cuz it will also be your money going to his kid-----are you gonna be happy about all of that---I guarnatee you and this guy, if you marry him will have many fights about what he is actually gonna do for his kid by this other woman.

You have a great chance to get away and start over, and find someone else who has enuff smarts not to get strange women pregnant, and will love only you---but then again its your life---you will do what you want, and then guess what, you get to live with the results, good or bad


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

m25 said:


> yes, already told him that, he needs to support the child. Actually he was doing it now, and the mother of the child made him paid her $5000 loan on her company which i found it odd.


Run like hell


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## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Yeah, the loan is fishy. It's just another mark against your boyfriend. So, it makes one wonder what pull this OW really has on your boyfriend.
> 
> Has a paternity test ever been done? I know of another case where a paternity test was never asked for or done back in the 80's. It's a long story, but the 16 year old girl said the baby was by a certain guy. The guy never challenged the accusation. And he paid child support 18 years. But, then something happened when the child turned 18. A paternity test was done. And guess what? The son was not his biological child.


the child is yet to be born. But we're considering that option.


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## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

Thank you all for this. Truth hurts and you're all right. It's been a great help. Never expect more than one advice. 

I'm tired now and need to think of myself more, as what you have told me. 

I appreciated you all and your advice. This is something I need to nail on my head.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Sounds like you are going to marry someone that is capable of cheating on you. You have the unique opportinity to know this about the person before you marry him.

How much self worth do you have?


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## m25 (Apr 6, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Sounds like you are going to marry someone that is capable of cheating on you. You have the unique opportinity to know this about the person before you marry him.
> 
> How much self worth do you have?



I am [still] in a state of shock..and no, we just broke off the engagement. I still love him but it doesn't mean that i have to go on this "marriage" thing.


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## andreiaudrey (Jul 21, 2011)

I really know how you feel. Its the thing between you want to fight for the man whom you expect the loveliest one and whom you trust so much. I had the same experience and I must admit that sometimes it gets hard.

Yeah, the right thing to do is to move on, forget about that man. But me? I did not do that right thing. When I learned of my bf's mistake, we broke up. I tried not to think of him, to get rid of him but its worthless when you know to yourself that you can't. So I decided to bring what we had stopped. Honestly, it hurts but when you see to a person who did a big mistake to you that he is sincere for your forgiveness, that he wanted to bring back all the smiles lost when he hurt you, that he works for your parents approval, and that when you feel that he loves you even without uttering an "i love you so much" phrase, even without promising of being faithful on the next days and for the rest of your lives, then be it. Live that love. Accept the fact if you love him. And if you don't then go on with your life without him. Anyways, ITS ALWAYS YOUR HAPPINESS THAT COUNTS. Not anybody's concern. If you'll gonna be happy and if you're happy with what he's going to do to make you say yes again to him, then spend the rest of your life with that man. 

And if that is wrong or rather if it'll gonna be a sin to God, then say sorry. We all know, above all, God has the largest understanding to his children.


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