# I'll be 30 this Saturday -- a rant



## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm so....bitter, so angry, so completely and utterly alone at this moment, I can barely stand the sound of my own typing.

As the title says its my birthday this week. I'll be 30, I have been with my husband 13 years this May.

13 years is long to some, a blink of an eye to others. But for me its almost half of my half......And in this half I have born two sons, forsaken all others and ever grand and miserable thing marriage can offer a couple, we have been through.

You know when you have been with someone so long all, I mean all your memories are somehow superimposed upon your spouse. I mean you cannot remember distinctly a time without or before they were in your lives. THAT IS ******* HEARTBREAKING.

I can't remember properly the touch of the lovers before my husband, I can't remember the last time I had a good time without him there, I can't remember....

And after writing all that I wish the ****er had never been born, I wish I had never met him, I wish I never saw his face, I wish....

I cannot even cry anymore, its like ice or concrete or some impervious shield is around me and I just don't give a ****, except I am sooooo god damn bitter at being disregarded, at being thrown away....like garbage.

Ok tears threatened there for a sec, picturing yourself as garbage isn't pleasant. But then that ache, that poisonous swallow of hate just fills me to point where I am choking.

I cannot fathom the reason or rhyme of why he loves to sabotage, loves to nuclear ****ing bomb our life. The length and breadth of his selfishness takes my breath away.

I cannot go another moment of plastering on that fake ****ing smile on for the world, of laughing that deplorable fake "just please stop talking to me, can't you see I am drowning here" laugh and go about my day. I cannot go another moment of my older son asking me questions, and lying to him. I got to get out of here, I have to fly away, or run and hop and skip or jump the **** away.

Have you ever stared so long in the mirror that everything blurs, first the background, then you? I'm blurry, everything is a blur or washed out.

I fight this overwhelming panic and anxiety, something that threatens to bowl right through and over me.

I'll be 30 in a few days, and it feels like I spent these years....**** it I can't write anymore.


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