# Are we supposed to want to be good sexual partners?



## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

I was wondering.

Are we supposed to want to be good sexual partners with our spouses?

I hear a lot of men complaining that the sex is not where they would like it at, that it was before marriage, but after marriage it was shut down.

It sounds like many of them would try almost anything to help restore it. Like they want to learn to better please there mate.

There was another thread on the website, and a lady said "why would any woman with 1/4 brain want to become a queen at giving her husband bj?".

I mean, the whole point is to pleasure each other right? Is this a common opinion that everyone just wants to think about their own needs and screw the others?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Only men have to worry about pleasuring their mate.
Women have to worry about how to say no and why their mate needs to try harder.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Yes.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sometimes it comes down to that. When people fall into a routine and forget to date each other. When people take each other for granted. When they don't realise that a relationship takes work to stay in a phase of wanting to please each other.

It happens a lot, it happens in cycles, some people can get it back and some don't want to (resentment and other issues)

When you do finally ask questions, what's the most likely answers a guy might get on TAM? If she's with-holding from you, don't continue to be a doormat. 

Don't get me wrong... it's a good idea. But yeah it comes down to you, not your spouse.

Dont' give more than you are getting. Emotionally and physically. 
People don't always keep count in the same manner, either. 
Whether they are aware of it or not, people judge whether their needs are being met, and they react accordingly. In some way or another. 

It's called boundaries. We should all have some. But personally I'm trying to measure whether my authenticity (my sense of self worth) is being tipped by giving someone pleasure.

By all means do what you can to please your spouse. If it costs you your sense of self worth, the balance is out of whack.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Absolutely. Sex, and pleasing in general, is an integral part of a relationship. People have different love languages but sex is extremely important. I know that I want to please my wife, and that if she doesn't get "one," I get upset. It's definitely easier for a dude to be "pleased" in the actual act. I notice here, though, that a lot of women seem to have problems getting their husbands interested in sex/romance. That blows my mind.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It would be great if people had to take a required sexual compatibility test (administered by a Certified Sex Therapist) as a part of getting the marriage license. For couples who are not compatible, but who insist on still getting married, they would then be required to complete a 40 hour class on the problems that occur when sex in marriage is not satisfactory for one or both spouses, plus part of the class would be understanding the real costs of divorce.

It is THAT important.

Hopefully a CST could also sort out the difference between the new, fun, bonding chemicals, versus long term sexual compatibility.

But to answer the question Daddy...if two LD people marry each other and sex isn't that important to either of them, then no, I don't see why either partner should want to be a good sexual partner. For some people it isn't that important.

Those people shouldn't marry people for whom sex IS important.

But few people know this until they are already married.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> It would be great if people had to take a required sexual compatibility test (administered by a Certified Sex Therapist) as a part of getting the marriage license. For couples who are not compatible, but who insist on still getting married, they would then be required to complete a 40 hour class on the problems that occur when sex in marriage is not satisfactory for one or both spouses, plus part of the class would be understanding the real costs of divorce.
> 
> It is THAT important.
> 
> ...


Excellent answer.

I agree on the 40 hrs of marriage and couples counseling before being allowed to marry. It should perhaps be insisted that there is occasional counseling throughout the marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If folks, especially women, would put half as much attention into being married as they do in getting married, these problems would work themselves out very quickly. Seems like lots of people leave the ceremony and then act like the race is over.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> Only men have to worry about pleasuring their mate.
> Women have to worry about how to say no and why their mate needs to try harder.


Wow I disagree COMPLETELY. It is hugely important to me to be pleasing and attractive to my husband. If I don't, how can I expect him to WANT to have sex with me. 

I don't worry about how to say no. On the rare occasions when it is a hard no, he knows it is because I am in physical pain.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If folks, especially women, would put half as much attention into being married as they do in getting married, these problems would work themselves out very quickly. Seems like lots of people leave the ceremony and then act like the race is over.


It's work and a conscious decision no matter if your male or female.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's work and a conscious decision no matter if your male or female.

Absolutely, but guys don't have shows like "say yes to the suit" and you don't find a lot of guys browsing for months through "Groom Weekly". My daughters were talking about their weddings when they were 12. A wedding didn't cross my son's mind until he was 30 and the thought only flashed in there just long enough for him to stand in front of the minister. He spends more time planning a deer hunt or a fishing trip.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> It's work and a conscious decision no matter if your male or female.
> 
> Absolutely, but guys don't have shows like "say yes to the suit" and you don't find a lot of guys browsing for months through "Groom Weekly". My daughters were talking about their weddings when they were 12. A wedding didn't cross my son's mind until he was 30 and the thought only flashed in there just long enough for him to stand in front of the minister. He spends more time planning a deer hunt or a fishing trip.


Not all women dream about weddings and dresses and that junk. My eyes rolled so hard they practically fell out of my head. 

A great many of us don't even think about it until a man proposes to us and we think "oh [email protected]! I have to plan a WEDDING now?!"


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

AnnieAsh said:


> Wow I disagree COMPLETELY. It is hugely important to me to be pleasing and attractive to my husband. If I don't, how can I expect him to WANT to have sex with me.
> 
> I don't worry about how to say no. On the rare occasions when it is a hard no, he knows it is because I am in physical pain.


your move of and exception rather than a rule and your husband better know he is a very very lucky man


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"He spends more time planning a deer hunt or a fishing trip."

If men spent less time planning hunting and fishing trips and spent more time understanding the dynamics of romantic love and male-female attraction, perhaps their wives would be happier to have more sex.

(I don't actually care about fishing trips....I am just pointing out that you are trying to show this as a woman's problem, but men do the equivalent in their own way. The bigger picture: let the romance, attraction and love die and the sex will be gone right after).


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

I tried and gave my best, apparently it wasn't enough.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

It is all about giving to your spouse. Most say that a marriage needs to be 50/50. I say each person needs to be 100/100 to a successfull marriage. I give myself to my wife 100 percent and my body is her body to do as she desires. Sometimes she desires my body to wash dishes or to mow the grass or vacuum. I try to do as much as I can to please her.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Yes and anyone that disagrees is missing out on a better life and a better marriage. 

If it was great and isnt now, there is another serious marriage destroying issue at play and its likely complacency, laziness, selfishness or resentment.

If it never was great, you might be with the wrong person because they have blocks that keep them from where you want them to be.

You deserve better comes to mind


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Doesn't it seem rather odd, though? We work hard, set goals, and plan in most other areas of our lives. We devote years in study so we'll have a career, we carefully shop for cars, homes, etc. When it comes to marriage, lots of folks seem to just coast and think things are supposed to magically be perfect or there must be something wrong with their partner. Mate selection is the most important decision any of us are going to ever make. For the religious among us, I'll concede it's the 2nd most important.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Happyquest said:


> your move of and exception rather than a rule and your husband better know he is a very very lucky man


Thanks...I think I am just an average lady but I am gonna tell him he's lucky!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have a huge desire to be the best possible sexual partner to him. Many reasons: I enjoy sex and want the best experience for both of us.
I love him and want to contribute all I can to his happiness.
It isn't all about sex, it is about love, bonding, feeling good, being intimate and being part of a secret club of two.

Without it then all else outside the bedroom falls apart and that I know from first hand experience with my LD ex husband.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Holland said:


> I have a huge desire to be the best possible sexual partner to him. Many reasons: I enjoy sex and want the best experience for both of us.
> I love him and want to contribute all I can to his happiness.
> It isn't all about sex, it is about love, bonding, feeling good, being intimate and being part of a secret club of two.
> 
> Without it then all else outside the bedroom falls apart and that I know from first hand experience with my LD ex husband.


You are so right. I love the "secret club of two". I really wanted to be the best partner I could, but he just doesn't like to be touched and doesn't like to waste time doing unproductive stuff. In the end if all you can do to please a partner is PIV sex or a BJ it gets old pretty quickly.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Oh HELL YES....When I was in high school, my major was SEX I wasn't getting any, but when I did, I wanted her to say WOW....

I became a student of the sexual female...I read every book I could find on the subject...When I masterbated (A LOT) I did it with the goal of increasing my staying power....I wanted to be able to make love to a woman in the most arousing, sensual orgasmic way possible.....

When I got to the real deal, I was anything but clinical...I had already found that I loved the closeness and excitement of foreplay...(of course we just called it making out)...I can't begin to tell you how many car batteries we ran down, listening to the radio and making out in my "58" belair...fogged up window glass still gets me hard.....

I can honestly say the first time I made love to a woman, she achieved a PIV orgasm...I was in my element. I had developed the mental control to the point that I could last long enough to get the job done, and it was a job I loved. Even though the primary birth control in those days was condoms, I thought it was great...

I ran into a wonderful HD girl, and we became insepperable, within 6 months we were married....Our sex life was epic...We went through all the positions and places possible for a willing couple to have sex...Our first appartment had a huge claw foot cast iron tub....nice....

For the past 47 years I have done everything possible (and mutually agreeable) to enhance our sex life....toys, erotica, etc. But I think the most surprising thing I have discovered is that for us the best sex has always been what most would call VANILLA......When two lovers are really aroused, and fired up, the best position is the quickest to achieve....Just plain old hot and horney missionary...

Within a month of getting married, I introduced my wife to oral...Due to the limited interior room of a 58 Chevy, she was the first and only woman I have ever given oral to...She was put off at first, but soon learned to relax and enjoy it. She on the other hand was not in to giving oral.....And it took 40 years for her to come around to willingly and effectively giving me oral sex. It had been my vision quest, and now she is both willing, and accomplished at performing a really nice BJ...

Should we want to be a good sex partner? It should be a subject of lifelong study and practice....It is the ONLY thing I do better than trout fishing....:rofl:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

It’s the preconceived notions that we all have disabuse ourselves of


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Oh HELL YES....When I was in high school, my major was SEX I wasn't getting any, but when I did, I wanted her to say WOW....
> 
> I became a student of the sexual female...I read every book I could find on the subject...When I masterbated (A LOT) I did it with the goal of increasing my staying power....I wanted to be able to make love to a woman in the most arousing, sensual orgasmic way possible.....
> 
> ...


40 years?


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> My daughters were talking about their weddings when they were 12. A wedding didn't cross my son's mind until he was 30 and the thought only flashed in there just long enough for him to stand in front of the minister. He spends more time planning a deer hunt or a fishing trip.


I thought about marriage and weddings before 12. I have been happily married 20 years and the happy is not because of sex.


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