# Unsure who to talk to



## anon1219 (Jan 21, 2018)

After struggling over this the last few months I finally found this forum. 

This will most likely be rather long and don't really know what to expect but I can at least get it out I suppose.

I have been married for 7 years, me and my wife meet when we were still in High School and were friends for years before we started dating. After a few hiccups we got married at 23 and 22. We have been happily married with no issues for years. We both came from families without much and from the beginning have supported ourselves since we have been together. We went from minimum wage jobs living with hardly anything in a 500 square foot apartment to having no debt minus our mortgage and making six figures with a nice savings. We did this through teamwork, lots of living below our means and dedication.

We did still go out and have nice date nights and traveled whenever work would allow but lots of hunkering down with spending. A year ago my company was sold to a corporation and I stayed on with the new company. I hated every minute of it. My wife was also increasingly unhappy with her job during this time as well and was also worried her company was going to be sold. 

We just *****ed about it and kept going through the motions because we were making so much money its hard to walk away. Of course like everyone we would dream of getting a new job of something we really wanted to do or open our own business. Well last March I was given an opportunity to go back and work for my original company in a wonderful city not too far from where we currently were living. We talked it over for a bit and were able to keep our house by renting it to my mother. We visited and scoped it out and rented an apartment within 24 hours of being there. We were both nervous but very excited for the change. 

To note my wife grew up where we were living, her family was all close and all the people she grew up with were still around. We are still close enough that friends and family can come visit or we can swing back there. One of the reasons we moved is because I was offered a very generous salary, my wife would not need to work. The idea was she could finally find something she wanted to do and it was great town for her to find that.

Another side note, my wife has never really had any friends in the time we have been together. My best friend is her best friend as well because he has always been around. Outside of that she was friendly with her coworkers but rarely did anything with them or really make an effort to do something with anyone really. 

My life has always been dedicated to being the best husband I could be and she always wanted to be with me. That meant that we would coordinate work schedules around each other so we could have the same days off. I would wake up go to work, come home and be with her. Almost every day off I would spend with her, I rarely went out without her or would not be with her unless I was working or our work schedules didn't match. This has been the case for ten years. Well we moved and have a wonderful apartment walking distance to downtown which we always wanted.

We aren't saving but have plenty of money for the time being to have fun. Which was the other point of coming here, finally start having fun instead of just playing grown up for awhile. She spent the first few months unpacking and getting the place set up and looking a bit for what she wanted to do. I was very supportive and even took her to meet someone with a lot of network connections to help get her feet off the ground. She started working very part time a few days a week at small boutique that she was very excited about with that being something to do while she figured out what she really wanted to do. Well it has now been seven months and she is still not doing anything else. For the the first five months I was super supportive talked to her about what she wanted to do, listened to her ideas, updated her resume and helped find opportunities that she was interested in. 

She does nothing with her time when I am not with her. Yes she cleans the house and does laundry, runs to the store when needed and makes dinner sometimes. She hasn't started any new hobbies or went to explore the area when I am at work. She has meet lots of people but in her always fashion has made no effort to meet with them and do anything. She waits for me to go out with people I know and meet and tags along because we do nothing without each other. She still doesn't know what she wants to do. She originally thought she wanted to volunteer and did that a few times but never stuck with anything.

About our relationship. We never have really fought because we really never had anything to fight about. Our sex life is healthy and the sex is great. We have always been seen as the perfect couple by anyone that knows us and I guess we have been, what more in life could you complain about? We have it all. I'm tired of it all, we are growing distant, I want to go out with people without her to have my own friends and if I do she feels like I should be spending that time with her. 

Because if I am not she is doing nothing at home...alone and I guess that's not fair. We don't really have much to talk about since she really doesn't do anything but read, clean and watch T.V. Even things she is "passionate" about like baking which she has talked years about owning her own bakery she doesn't really practice or actively do. She gets jealous? that people know me and recognize me when we go out. I can't talk to anyone because no one here would understand. 

I can't talk to my mother because of lots of reasons. I love her mother and she adores me and thinks its great that we moved here and where we live. I asked her a few weeks ago what she was doing and wanted to do which ended up in this big fight. I don't know what to do but I can't keep doing this.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I do try to understand. I am not being sarcastic. 

I get the feeling you are upset because your wife isn't earning enough money?

Or are you worried she is up to no good while you are at work?

Or perhaps both?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You won't know what you have until its gone.


I'm not saying you should't eek some time out for yourself. But I get a different feeling about what your trying to say. That your bored with her! That she should be trying to earn more money.

Maybe she nesting and is thinking about having children?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is happy so why are you upset? She wants too do things with you and be with you when you aren't at work, you are her husband so that's normal. If you don't like being with her then why did you marry her? She works part time, she enjoys looking after the home, she is content and happy it seems, not sure what your problem is. 
You have ideas of what she 'should' be doing, or how she 'should' be acting, but you are not her. She is her own self. How about you both take up a hobby, interest or a sport together so that you can both make friends as a couple? What is it that you are so desperate to do that you don't want her there? 

I think you are very blessed to have such a good wife and marriage, many would give a lot to have what you do.

BTW discontentment is deadly for a marriage. Be thankful for what you have.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

So what you’re saying is... she’s starting to feel like a lead anchor tied around your waist because you can’t do anything without her tagging along? You’re bored because conversation with her is not intellectually stimulating, she’s not interesting or interested in anything, she’s not progressing? She’s not “dynamic” enough (in your eyes)?

Seven months is not all that long to adjust to a big move, become a mostly stay at home wife, and figure out what she wants to do next. Perhaps she’s enjoying (for the first time) not having to work to the bone to sock away money. 

Are you comparing her to someone else? Is there an interesting, go-getter, female coworker at your new job?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

anon1219 said:


> We have been happily married with no issues for years.
> 
> One of the reasons we moved is because I was offered a very generous salary, my wife would not need to work. The idea was she could finally find something she wanted to do and it was great town for her to find that.
> 
> ...


From what you wrote, you were happy with your wife for years. Nothing has changed, except that she is not working/earning money....and that you are bored with her.

It sounds like you are in a bad place in your head. People in your place become open to affairs. If you don't want to blow up your marriage, you had better not make or have any new female friends. Do not confide your feelings to women, but talk with a trusted guy friend, or to us here at TAM.

Have you told your wife how important her having a career means to you with regards to your attraction to her? You need to tell her everything that you have written here. If you are to remain married, communication is key.

People change, and it is better for a marriage if they communicate about their new desires/ideas. If your wife is changing, it would behoove you to get her to talk about her new feelings and ideas to determine if the two of you can find common ground.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think moving and then being presented with the opportunity to explore what you really want to do would be overwhelming. I know it would be for me, at least. Maybe she should consider going back to school, maybe that would help her find her way a little bit. 

You do sound like you are tired of her. She wants to spend time with you, which honestly is a gift within a longer term marriage, and you should look at it that way. Unless of course, some other female has sparked your interest?


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Wow. You and her and happy for YEARS being together all the time, but now all of a sudden you draw this imaginary line and decide that she’s too clingy? You’ve known from the beginning what she wanted but for some random reason and you were happy with the same, now what you’ve been doing for years is not enough?

My husband started feeling like you did about 3 years ago. He didn’t tell me any of it until one day he blew up at me and said he doesn’t want to spend so much time with me. I had no idea he felt the way he did. So I gave him what he wanted, I left and he could have all the time he ever wanted to himself. He regretted what he did pretty damn quick. And after we reconciled like 3 days later, he showed me the convos he was having with his work buddies. Co workers telling him how much fun it was to be single, that I’m crazy for always wanting to spend our off time together. (Even tho most days we worked opposite shifts so barely saw each other PLUS I was a full time university student) The what if’s of a free life without a wife a child started playing around his head until he was convinced he would be happier without us. 

Oh was he wrong. 

Go down this path my friend and WATCH how quickly your wife does exactly what you want and gets a new life separate from you. You should be honoured she loves you so damn much, you aren’t in her life because your supposed to be, she chose you to be there. And she can just as fast choose someone who doesn’t harbor negative feelings about her presence and how her life ‘should’ be going.

We women don’t NEED our men to survive, we SHARE our life because we want to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You felt before that the two of you were working toward common goals and now you aren't. You feel she's lost her direction and has no drive while you're still focused. That she no longer is the person you married. Some people take longer to adjust to a major move than others -- maybe she's one or maybe this just is who she is now. And if she really has changed so much that you no longer like who she is then you have a decision to make.


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## anon1219 (Jan 21, 2018)

Openminded said:


> You felt before that the two of you were working toward common goals and now you aren't. You feel she's lost her direction and has no drive while you're still focused. That she no longer is the person you married. Some people take longer to adjust to a major move than others -- maybe she's one or maybe this just is who she is now. And if she really has changed so much that you no longer like who she is then you have a decision to make.


I think this is it to some degree at least? Her making money means nothing, we have more then enough. She never went to college and doesn't want to even now, we did talk about that a few months ago. We decided years ago that we were not going to have children and unless she is lying we are still on the same page about that. I understand it is a big move and people take time to adjust but the lack of motivation to do something....I hear you if she's happy doing what she is now I should be happy that she is content. I don't know if I can accept that, does that make me a bad person?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You better stick around here and read what most couples are going through. If you did, you would drop your iPad so fast and run and hug your wonderful wife like you are afraid of losing her. Keep this up, and you will. Lose her that is. 

Somewhere out in this in this big old earth there might be a man looking for a woman with this description:

A lady with a great background, that is ready to settle down and be a wife and a mom. She keeps the home clean, cooks dinner, prize win bakes, and is awesome in the sack. She also loves doting on her husband when he is home and spending as much time together as possible. She is so devoted to him, she will even follow his dreams, and move for the betterment of his life. She isn’t a party girl, and won’t be begging to go clubbing with her wild girlfriends at least once a month. She enjoys spending her time at home or out with her man.

Think any men out there would reply to that dating ad? Also, what are the chances you will meet someone else as great as your wife? The truth is very, very low, if ever.

She can feel your vibes and annoyance at her. How she might feel: “He thinks I’m a b*tch, because I want our free time together...oh the horror!!! He thinks I can’t make my own friends, or at least he doesn’t want to share his! I’m taking some time off work, after he TOLD ME I COULD, and we can clearly afford to me stay home. So I guess he thinks I’m a lazy ass. Great....”



If you would like to keep her, wake up NOW.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

anon1219 said:


> .I hear you if she's happy doing what she is now I should be happy that she is content. I don't know if I can accept that, does that make me a bad person?


Not necessarily, it will though probably make you a single person.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Spicy said:


> You better stick around here and read what most couples are going through. If you did, you would drop your iPad so fast and run and hug your wonderful wife like you are afraid of losing her. Keep this up, and you will. Lose her that is.
> 
> Somewhere out in this in this big old earth there might be a man looking for a woman with this description:
> 
> ...


They aren't going to have kids. She cooks, sometimes. 

I think responses have been a little harsh. The OPs wife is a stay at home wife now, that aren't going to have children, she doesn't seem to have any interests, no career, and contributes nothing socially to the marriage. Sure, a lot of people have it worse, that doesn't mean this isn't an issue for the OP.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

They both used to travel, work, have friends and dreams. Then he got a better paying job and told her to stop working. So now she has nothing to do, is in a new place, is board and maybe depressed. I think OP feels she has lost that "spark" and drive she used to have. Well tell her to get a job then! Even if you don't need the money, if she's not raising kids or going to school FT then she needs something positive to do with her time. A job/career will give her a sense of purpose, her own money, and social interactions apart from you. You can both talk about your workday/projects over dinner. 

You encouraged this change in her.


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## anon1219 (Jan 21, 2018)

Livvie said:


> They aren't going to have kids. She cooks, sometimes.
> 
> I think responses have been a little harsh. The OPs wife is a stay at home wife now, that aren't going to have children, she doesn't seem to have any interests, no career, and contributes nothing socially to the marriage. Sure, a lot of people have it worse, that doesn't mean this isn't an issue for the OP.


Thanks for that. I am not discounting or writing off what a great wife I have or that I don't realize how lucky I am that my wife is so in love with me. That doesn't mean however that if I just change my point of view and go oh man what I a moron I am that things just magically get better. 

"she will even follow his dreams, and move for the betterment of his life. She isn’t a party girl, and won’t be begging to go clubbing with her wild girlfriends at least once a month." Not his dreams or betterment of my life. This isn't my dream or done for me. We did it for us. How you can turn such an unselfish act of working longer and harder hours for your spouse to find and do something she is passionate about/follow her dreams is pretty amazing. And whats wrong with a girl going out with her friends once a month?

I have only supported and encouraged her from the beginning and haven't stopped no matter my feelings on the matter of our relationship. I am not going to tell her to do anything or force her to do something.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

anon1219 said:


> I think this is it to some degree at least? Her making money means nothing, we have more then enough. She never went to college and doesn't want to even now, we did talk about that a few months ago. We decided years ago that we were not going to have children and unless she is lying we are still on the same page about that. I understand it is a big move and people take time to adjust but the lack of motivation to do something....I hear you if she's happy doing what she is now I should be happy that she is content. I don't know if I can accept that, does that make me a bad person?


No, that doesn't make you a bad person but it does mean the two of you are no longer aligned in the way that you were -- and that you wanted to continue to be. Resentment begins this way and contempt often follows. You don't want that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I don’t even vaguely understand.

My wife worked for about 5 years since 1991. Just enough so she could have some SS. Empty nest is not different than not having children. The last year my wife worked was the year after our youngest got married and moved away. Ever since then she just takes care of me and the home.

Am I supposed to think she was supposed to want more than that?

I can see how your discontent over your wife’s contentment could easily lead to divorce.

Why do you think she should want more than being a wife and homemaker? 

Sure, nowadays girls are taught they can work, but they are also taught a reasonable goal is that fairytale of just being a wife and homemaker.

And without an education you are just blowing smoke if you expect anyone to believe her income would matter, even from a full time job. My wife worked full time at a pretty good job in my industry and still made almost nothing after taxes. 

Figured out taxes on how much I made, then our taxes on our joint income, and took the difference away from her income and all she had left hardly paid gas money. She just wanted to get out of the house when the children were teenagers.

You must just be bored with your wife.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm still confused -- exactly WHAT about her is pissing you off -- that she is doing nothing while you are working? I thought she was working part-time?

That she wants to do everything with you and doesn't give you any space? If that is the case, you need to start doing things that you would do alone -- like go to the gym. 

My wife and I do almost everything together, but she goes to a gym in the morning, and I go after work (different gym). Small things like that can help.

If you want to catch a beer with the guys after work, just tell her that (as long as it's not every night and you stay out until she's asleep). Sounds like YOU are reluctant to do that as it's "unfair" in your eyes. However, I do agree with most here --- you should WANT to do things with her and enjoy being with her.


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## anon1219 (Jan 21, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> I don’t even vaguely understand.
> 
> My wife worked for about 5 years since 1991. Just enough so she could have some SS. Empty nest is not different than not having children. The last year my wife worked was the year after our youngest got married and moved away. Ever since then she just takes care of me and the home.
> 
> ...


No offense but it may be due to generation gap. I never even got a two year degree and make plenty. She worked her way up just as I did and she was making close to $60k before we moved. Having to go to college to make good money is a myth in this day and age. Half the people that I know who went to college are still in heavy debt and working entry level jobs. 

It also seems like having a stay at home wife was the original plan for your relationship. Two people in a fast paced life then unexpectedly having/becoming a stay at home wife very suddenly is a big change. She has never once in 15 years of knowing me ever once said that she wanted to be a stay at home mom or wife. If she straight up told me today that she didn't want to work and just wanted to keep doing what she was doing now, fine. I don't think it will happen. If I asked her if that is what she wanted she would almost positively say no. She doesn't know what she wants. Nothing I can do seems to help that fact. So I am caught sitting by the wayside watching someone who I love dearly become a person I've never known before. And yes I am probably a crappy person for it but it does cause you to become distant after a time. I blame myself for moving to give her open opportunity that just lead her to being completely lost with her life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> They aren't going to have kids. She cooks, sometimes.
> 
> I think responses have been a little harsh. The OPs wife is a stay at home wife now, that aren't going to have children, she doesn't seem to have any interests, no career, and contributes nothing socially to the marriage. Sure, a lot of people have it worse, that doesn't mean this isn't an issue for the OP.


She works part time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

anon1219 said:


> No offense but it may be due to generation gap. I never even got a two year degree and make plenty. She worked her way up just as I did and she was making close to $60k before we moved. Having to go to college to make good money is a myth in this day and age. Half the people that I know who went to college are still in heavy debt and working entry level jobs.
> 
> It also seems like having a stay at home wife was the original plan for your relationship. Two people in a fast paced life then unexpectedly having/becoming a stay at home wife very suddenly is a big change. She has never once in 15 years of knowing me ever once said that she wanted to be a stay at home mom or wife. If she straight up told me today that she didn't want to work and just wanted to keep doing what she was doing now, fine. I don't think it will happen. If I asked her if that is what she wanted she would almost positively say no. She doesn't know what she wants. Nothing I can do seems to help that fact. So I am caught sitting by the wayside watching someone who I love dearly become a person I've never known before. And yes I am probably a crappy person for it but it does cause you to become distant after a time. I blame myself for moving to give her open opportunity that just lead her to being completely lost with her life.


I thought you said she worked part time?


You need to focus on the 95% that you do have rather than the 5% that you think you dont.


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## anon1219 (Jan 21, 2018)

Extremely part time is correct. Two days a week for 5 hours a day both days while I am at work at a job is she is no longer happy at and will be quitting when they find someone to replace her.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Expectations. Ugh.

Did you discuss any sort of timeframe for her "finding herself?" Seven months in the grand scheme of things is not very long. Did you have an idea of a timeframe that you might have assumed she shared?

Some people are doers and others are thinkers. I can talk for ages about all the things I would like to do, but I don't do them because the idea is far more fun than the reality. My ex was a doer and I learned the hard way not to think out loud because to my ex these were "plans" or "promises" to do these things, rather than ideas and fantasies. 

I don't get the idea that your wife is depressed based on what you have written, so there is that. Perhaps she is a true introvert and is very much enjoying this life right now. It doesn't mean it will stay that way forever, but she might not have ever thought she would enjoy being a housewife and now she does. In time, she may get bored with it and really begin seeking out new opportunities, but again it's only been 7 months. She may be recharging her batteries after working so hard for so long and coming to enjoy the downtime.

This may be a good opportunity to seek a bit of counseling to get over this hump. I wouldn't frame the idea of counseling to her as "marriage issues OH NOES!" but more about gaining some perspective so that each of you can find your own way in life while maintaining your otherwise great marriage. Make it about the issue, not the marriage or her. I think it is very important that each of you has your own social time and time apart that isn't just at work/home, as well as plenty of time together. This is something that should be addressed in counseling. She may be a deep introvert, but she needs to allow you to have time with friends and alone, whether she works or not.

I don't think the problem is as bad as it sounds or probably feels right now. There have been changes and you both have changed over the years. This new time in your life can be an opportunity to grow ...either together or apart ....so be careful in how you proceed. Get some outside counseling.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

anon1219 said:


> One of the reasons we moved is because I was offered a very generous salary, my wife would not need to work.





anon1219 said:


> Two people in a fast paced life then unexpectedly having/becoming a stay at home wife very suddenly is a big change. She has never once in 15 years of knowing me ever once said that she wanted to be a stay at home mom or wife.


So you followed _your_ dream, and she followed _you_. And now she's depressed, and that's a real drag on you. Poor you.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

As pointed out, she quit that job to follow you. You got a great job, and you even said so she would not need to work. Now she is not working, and you find you are upset she is not working.

As for your claim about degrees, I totally disagree. In this day and age it takes a Bachelors to even begin to get a good job. If you are going to stick to that nonsense I am going to exit this thread.

If your job is good then your wife possibly working her way up to a whole 60k would be trivial to you, and you would encourage her to not waste her time on such peanuts. If my wife made 60k a year she would bring home about 20k for working 2080 hours. The government takes all the rest. Why bother?

I think you are exaggerating the value of the raise you got, and you really did not mean it when you said your wife would not need to work. 

Be honest. You want her to pull her own weight, and get out there and work hard. You're sick of supporting her, aren't you?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

WilliamM said:


> If your job is good then your wife possibly working her way up to a whole 60k would be trivial to you, and you would encourage her to not waste her time on such peanuts. If my wife made 60k a year she would bring home about 20k for working 2080 hours. The government takes all the rest. Why bother?


How far a salary $60K a year goes, is _highly_ dependent on where you live. In my area, that's a very nice middle-management level salary. The city manager here makes just over $85K, local attorneys are mostly making in the $90K-120K range, and PE licensed engineers are making $60K-100K. I actually live pretty well on my $38K a year salary. Nothing extravagant, but I live a comfortably middle-class lifestyle on that. So, there are places in this country where $60K a year is in no way "peanuts" or "trivial" or a waste of anyone's time.  


But, I do agree that the OP is clearly not happy with a situation that was his idea in the first place. I honestly wonder if there's not someone, or even a few someones, he's encountering at work that are peaking his interest and making his wife seem to pale in comparison. Whatever the actual issue is, though, he needs to talk to his wife directly about what's going on. It may be that she honestly doesn't know what she wants to do. She may simply be the type of person who needs the structure of a steady day-job in order to keep herself motivated and moving forward. Perhaps she's just overwhelmed and needs more time, or feels under-utilized and under-valued as a SAHW and would be happier with a regular job. Perhaps they've just grown apart and are no longer working as a couple. In any case, the status quo doesn't really seem to be working, for either of them. But in order for anything to change, the OP has to have an honest conversation with his wife, without blame or criticism.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Rowan said:


> How far a salary $60K a year goes, is _highly_ dependent on where you live. In my area, that's a very nice middle-management level salary. The city manager here makes just over $85K, local attorneys are mostly making in the $90K-120K range, and PE licensed engineers are making $60K-100K. I actually live pretty well on my $38K a year salary. Nothing extravagant, but I live a comfortably middle-class lifestyle on that. So, there are places in this country where $60K a year is in no way "peanuts" or "trivial" or a waste of anyone's time.
> 
> 
> But, I do agree that the OP is clearly not happy with a situation that was his idea in the first place. I honestly wonder if there's not someone, or even a few someones, he's encountering at work that are peaking his interest and making his wife seem to pale in comparison. Whatever the actual issue is, though, he needs to talk to his wife directly about what's going on. It may be that she honestly doesn't know what she wants to do. She may simply be the type of person who needs the structure of a steady day-job in order to keep herself motivated and moving forward. Perhaps she's just overwhelmed and needs more time, or feels under-utilized and under-valued as a SAHW and would be happier with a regular job. Perhaps they've just grown apart and are no longer working as a couple. In any case, the status quo doesn't really seem to be working, for either of them. But in order for anything to change, the OP has to have an honest conversation with his wife, without blame or criticism.




Yes. In most places 60k would matter. After taxes and SS and all the other government grabs she might get to keep half of it. I should not be so crass.

My statements are predicated on the OP saying he got a lucrative raise which made it possible for him to have his wife not work.

To the OP: Had you admitted you actually knew you would need your wife to get out and work, and your job couldn’t support you both, and now you don’t know how to break that news to your wife the advice here would be different.

I live just north of The City, and while prices are high so are salaries, so I don’t see how normal people live. I am highly educated and have not had a problem supporting my family on just my income, but we all have our own burdens.

Still, if it’s a hardship to live without your wife making minimum wage full time, you need to be honest with her about it.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

anon1219 said:


> Extremely part time is correct. Two days a week for 5 hours a day both days while I am at work at a job is she is no longer happy at and will be quitting when they find someone to replace her.


Anon, I think the board has been entirely too tough on you. I think you have valid reason for concern and - unfortunately - find yourself in a no-win situation.

In life, inertia is a powerful force. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. Without a job or career path, your wife is on a trajectory that will make her both socially and financially more dependent upon you. It can be disconcerting to be doing the things you need to do to move ahead while you notice a partner's sustained lack of effort to find something that engages them. Yet, you feel guilty because it's your move that put her into this predicament in the first place. Hence, you have no standing to criticize her efforts in this new environment.

Ultimately, this is a corrosive situation. You start to feel responsible not only for finding your way but for finding a way for your partner as well. You have to remember, though, is that she is the only one who can discover the path best for her. 

If money is not really an issue, that is good. But there are some subtle steps that you can take to help her kickstart activity:

1. Try to find activity out of the house each evening for you and her. Anything that gets her in the community. Walk the mall. Find a group on meetup.com. Attend a political rall. Find a church event. She is more likely to find positive things to do in the community if she is out in the community on a regular basis. 
2. Encourage her to find a volunteer outlet. Does she love dogs? Have her volunteer for the pet shelter. Is she religious? Have her visit sick people in the hospital on behalf of your church. Something that gets her out and involved in community groups.
3. Even if all the above are beyond scope of what you can do, simply try to go on walks every evening. Get out of the habit of sitting around the house. Help her re-establish a bias towards activity. Get that static lump back into motion again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I've never said a harsh word here, and I apologize in advance if this is too blunt. OP, kindly think of all the positive choices you can have in your marriage if you communicate with W in an earnest, loving conversation or several. Are you narcissistic? (the harsh word, again I apologize).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Or are you getting a seven year itch?


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