# Sigh, sex in marriage



## unhappychappy (Oct 26, 2013)

Some of you folks may remember me from a post I made about 6 or 7 weeks ago regarding my marriage. Well thanks to the tips regarding the books to read, i changed my behaviours and as a result my wife has improved her behaviour a lot and is now more connected to me.

The one thing that is still plaguing me is her game, I've mentioned several times that I feel her game has priority over most things including me. She wont text much if she's playing, doesn't watch the kids much which has been almost lethal to our youngest rather recently... she also doesn't engage in conversation whilst she's playing so isolates herself from myself and the kids verbally.

Another effect this is having is that she wont make love until the weekends because she can sleep in and doesn't have to worry. She would rather game until she's tired, come to bed and then asks me to wake her in the middle of the night for sex. I have explained to her that love making is a very important and emotional thing for me and that we have plenty of opportunities once the kids are asleep, she said she prefers to make love before we sleep then we can cuddle naked and drift off to sleep. That never happens unless its 4am and I wake up on a sat/sun morning. She wont pause playing from 7pm-bed time.

I just dont know what to do, im am deeply stressed and upset over the lack of sexual intimacy in our relationship, 4 times we have made love in the last 3 weeks and all 4 have been at the weekend.

Im tired of bringing the same topic up and I've created an environment that fosters love, affection, caring, understanding and I do pretty much everything so she has energy, she even said how she feels more energised now that I do most things.

Im just feel like masturbating often to quell the physical desire and try my best to bury the emotional need. Removing the thoughts of sex from my mind seems like the only option left and id rather her be happy which she is at present....
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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Sounds like the game has got to go. I am not sure if I am misunderstanding, but is this a game she is paying online or? If she is not in tune with anything or anyone (your kids) this is a huge issue. I would love to make love once a week! I am lucky if I get some every month. What don't you like about waking her up to have sex? I would love that! Do you know why she wants this? I know what it feels like to not be wanted this way, H doesn't give a **** about sex, so I feel for you.


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## unhappychappy (Oct 26, 2013)

To be honest I dont mind her playing as long as she is able to not get so involved that she shuts us out, me more than the kids as they get more of her focus when she's not playing. The thing about waking her up is that she only wants that at the weekends, during the week though? Nope. Despite the fact sge sleeps more than me as im the one who tends to the kids if they wake at night.

Earlier we had a talk that turned into an argument that turned back into a talk, I made sure to word things so she didn't feel attacked but she didn't like what she was hearing and got defensive and then offensive... I erupted and stormed off upstairs but came down within a few minutes to talk. Basically she said she likes sex and likes to do it with me but she has no drive to initiate and doesn't think about, she likes it but doesn't need it like I do. The end result was her saying she'll make more of an effort to initiate and make it important for her because it is for me.

I feel bad though because its not how I wanted it to go... I didn't want an argument and hoped she would have been more conscious of its importance to me because we had talked about it several times. Im worried in case it causes resentment in future....
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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

It seems to me that she is so wrapped up in the games that she is neglecting your needs and the kids needs.
Have you checked who she is playing with online?

You are too beta, sit down and talk to her about boundaries. Playing games could be a sign of dependency. 
I would throw out her games/playstation, etc if she does not stop neglecting you all.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

She does sound too tied up in her game. You need to talk to her about this. She needs to ensure that she does not neglect the children or you.

Those games can be very addictive. I suspect she may be escaping in to it, to get away from a life she is having difficulty coping with.

I would be looking to do a deal whereby she agrees to play it less and not at the expense of her key relationships (which includes you).

You may want to ask her if she is having problems she has not shared with you.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

My wife can obsess on a game like Majong or one of the card games for hours. Lately its Facebook.

Look - I would be a hypocrite not to admit that a long time ago I got into one game in particular so bad that it snapped me back to sanity. Remember Sim City? I can't calculate how much time I wasted setting up virtual cities (and people) and ignoring the reality people in my life.

Facebook seems a little like that when its clicking link after link to cute puppies and kitty videos for hours and hours. I have to bite my tongue when she tells me I have to see this one.

Maybe this is a guy thing but there are some really valuable things on the web. Youtube showed me how to fix the home appliances that kacked for near nothing in parts. Cooking? Same thing. How do you do the perfect tenderloin? Some chef told me and more important showed me. Does what you do on the internet benefit you? Watching 10 hours of cats jumping out of shoe boxes? Ahhh not so much. Sending virtual coins to all your friends on Facebook? Ahhh not so much either. 

It might be easier to explain what changed my mind about Sim City. Someone once said that they sure as heck wouldn't be thinking "I wish I played more video games" when they are dieing. Life really is short. Spending all your free time on Facebook, Gaming, or just staring at your cell phone for no apparent reason is just insane.

Have you ever considered couples therapy? I think this may become a common reason to seek help.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If it's one of the massively multiplayer online role-playing games, they are set up in a way that more or less requires complete devotion to a group of people. It's all-consuming after a while, which was the reason I stopped playing. My then-husband continued to play, and it posed a problem for us because he agreed to only play during those critical times, but then he'd go to sleep, wake up early to do the game activities that couldn't be done during critical times, come home for lunch to play, and be on it the moment I was busy... all after agreeing not to. 

It is a form of escapism, and it is a problem. You'll need to ask your wife to identify her priorities, including the game, and ask how much time she thinks should be devoted to each of those priorities in a day/week. Maybe then you two can negotiate how to find an agreeable boundary.

Having said that, though, once a week is a long way from sexless!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unhappychappy said:


> To be honest I dont mind her playing as long as she is able to not get so involved that she shuts us out, me more than the kids as they get more of her focus when she's not playing. The thing about waking her up is that she only wants that at the weekends, during the week though? Nope. Despite the fact sge sleeps more than me as im the one who tends to the kids if they wake at night.
> 
> Earlier we had a talk that turned into an argument that turned back into a talk, I made sure to word things so she didn't feel attacked but she didn't like what she was hearing and got defensive and then offensive... I erupted and stormed off upstairs but came down within a few minutes to talk. Basically she said she likes sex and likes to do it with me but she has no drive to initiate and doesn't think about, she likes it but doesn't need it like I do. The end result was her saying she'll make more of an effort to initiate and make it important for her because it is for me.
> 
> ...


Games:
I am like your wife in the game playing realm. It is usually cyclical. Over the years I've become addicted to various games. I realize it can be a huge problem and we've developed a means of coping with the lure of addicting on line or PC based games. 

My husband used to give very passive signals that he wanted my attention away from the games. Now he is very clear and will tell me to put it away, put it down, come to bed, sit with me... and that is much easier for me to respond to. Also, it makes me feel like I'm wanted by him as opposed to I'm supposed to be available for him. It's a slight distinction that works for us based on my visceral response to passivity from him in general.

Now that he does this, it also makes it easier for me to give him attention on my own without being asked. Win/win for us.

Sex:
This is more delicate because you want her to initiate more AND be less restrictive on when it's okay for you to initiate.

I suggest you work on one at a time. Getting her to initiate more often or getting her to have sex on week nights after the kids are asleep and not at 3:00am. 

The games get in the way of you alone time together. Maybe picking two week nights and agreeing that games are off the menu on those nights? That during those nights you two focus on each other, talking, playing board games, going over vacation ideas, sharing dreams for the future. It'll be hard to at first because her mind will be distracted and pushing her to wanting her games. But she'll get used to it after a few successful evenings. Treat those nights like "inside the house date nights" and make plans ahead of time to keep busy together.

My bet is that once you two start spending quality alone time together during the week, the sex will follow all by itself.


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## unhappychappy (Oct 26, 2013)

I never actually considered the initiation and frequency as two seperate things to work on, after reading that I thought 'holy crap how insensitive did I sound?'. So I talked with my wife and apologised for not seeing it that way and asked her which one does she want to focus on and she said initiation so that's what we're going focus on together 

Yesterday afternoon I was fixing my pc in the living room, doing some maintenance etc and I was talking with her as she played her game, just general stuff about her and what makes her want to escape into the game, she cited a number of things and after she was finished we sat down on the floor and talked through them starting with the easiest to fix. We spent close to 2hrs talking about things and I listened to her and came up with somutions which she readily accepted and was quite happy about.

She never likes to talk about her problems and has always been that way pretty much, she thinks it doesn't help and it will only make me sad. She also thinks that her problems are silly compared to problems others have such as cancer/no house to live in/no hands/arms etc. I just said 'your problems cause you pain, they make you upset and you run away from me, the kids and escape into your games, your problems are important to you no matter how big or small, your problems are important to you which means they are important to me and I am always here to listen and help you if you want/need'.

That's the promise we take and the oath we swear on when we married and I haven't always been the best I can be but ever since I saw the problems in our marriage? I've been more than consciousness to improve things and its worked well so far.

I just need to show her she never needs to escape into anything except me, she's been running for 32 years and I think now its time she stopped 
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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm glad you're making progress, but she can't always escape only into you. There will be times when you simply cannot provide what she needs. If she's angry with you, for instance, and you cannot find ways to agree with her, she will need to find another release. It's important that she have someone or something to turn to, but it's also important for that release to be a healthy one.


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## unhappychappy (Oct 26, 2013)

She has her hobbies and I support her in those  im also doing my best to think things through and if I dont understand her I apologise and ask her to explain further or in another way so even if I can't help, at least she knows I can support her fully and it eases her mind.
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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds like an addiction to me, just like any other addiction, it takes priority.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What are YOUR hobbies, Chappy?


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## NewlyWed2000 (Oct 8, 2013)

Sounds like she needs to work on her priorities and balance.

Do you guys do a weekly date night? Might be a way to start, hire a sitter, get some quality time out of the house together and away from distractions and maybe you'll start finding that intimacy again (and no i'm not just referring to sex)


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## unhappychappy (Oct 26, 2013)

We've been working on the intimacy thing (not sex lol), she's much better at showing affection now through verbal and physical means but also when we text as well. I've been taking the lead with it to sort of show its nice and good to have nice things said, to be kissed and held etc its getting much better.

I suggested the date night thing and sge was quite opposed to a 'set night', she wanted something spontaneous which would be fine as I could arrange it quietly and surprise her but she also made it clear that she wouldnt like to be 'taken away from her game without knowing'. Kinda tricky for me then!
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## NewlyWed2000 (Oct 8, 2013)

unhappychappy said:


> We've been working on the intimacy thing (not sex lol), she's much better at showing affection now through verbal and physical means but also when we text as well. I've been taking the lead with it to sort of show its nice and good to have nice things said, to be kissed and held etc its getting much better.
> 
> I suggested the date night thing and sge was quite opposed to a 'set night', she wanted something spontaneous which would be fine as I could arrange it quietly and surprise her but she also made it clear that she wouldnt like to be 'taken away from her game without knowing'. Kinda tricky for me then!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her priorities are completely screwed up. I play online games myself but that's completely out of hand. You need to take big steps or that game is going to cause major problems for the family (which it's already starting to).

Maybe tell her you don't want to ask her to give it up, but tell her that you guys need to find balance. The spontaneous bit about date night is a cop out, tell her you guys need date night and that if she wants spontaneity you can choose where to go at the last minute but that you are still going out every Friday (or whatever night you choose). She just doesn't want to commit, with it how it stands she can make an excuse to play her game instead.

If she fights you I'd get therapy, this thing is going to turn into a cancer.


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## unhappychappy (Oct 26, 2013)

We talked a bit more about her 'escapist behaviour' earlier, see I also play online games and I was guilty of the same thing until I realised the devastating and number of issues it posed, caused and covered up. Once I realised the consequences of my actions I readily set about changing my routine and priorities, tackling the problems one by one. My wife isn't the sort of person to do that, although slowly she is changing her behaviour.

It seems as though the underlying reason is our children. She thinks she's a bad parent when they misbehave and can really erupt for the smallest thing, we're all human though and I tell her I understand and it is normal for both them to misbehave and her to feel upset. Im currently comforting her through that feeling, sometimes children are good and sometimes they are naughty, same goes for any age group.

She just can't take her mind off of them, can't take off the mummy hat when its their bed time, so she escapes into her game to get away from it. She escapes from me sexually because first I remind her of our children (I helped create them so I understand), secondly she's afraid they'll wake up so she doesn't want us to be in throes of love making in case they wake. Finally and most importantly, she sometimes worries we'll have another child.

Now she is on the depo-provera shot as contraception, is allergic to latex, wont use any type of barrier protection and refuses to allow me to get a vasectomy. I know how successful depo is and so does she actually, she says its a minor worry and doesn't really think about it anymore. 

Im tempted to suggest counselling because of the children, either her alone or both of us together, whichever she prefers and is happy with.
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