# Hearing from an ex



## lj123 (Jan 12, 2013)

If you are happily married and 100% happy with your relationship, would respond to any communication you received from an ex (esp. if they know you are married)?

What reason would you have for responding to the contact, esp. if you no longer want any type of relationship with the person?

My husband heard from an ex who still (clearly) has feelings for him, and I don't know if I really understand why he would if he is happy and not interested in her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Thiis can most likely lead to problems

Have you told him it makes you uncomfortable?0
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

lj123, I wrote this some time ago for someone whose wife had reconnected with an exBF:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be innocent "catching up", but soon, it may morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little bit taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she sometimes feels like you're "not there" for her
How... okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way 
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you haven't been giving her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never REALLY loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jackass like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him get away
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately wants to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's secretly talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's hard to say what the motivation is at this point but as some have mentioned this exact thing has been the beginning of many unhappy endings. 

If he simply wants to catch up he should do so in your presence. You should hear/read every communication between them and she should be aware of that. Her intentions will quickly become clear if this is the case.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

If you give him a pass on responding to the initial contact, which isn't too unreasonable, then everything should be transparent to you and it should end after a quick "nice to hear from you....best of luck."


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

If an ex of mine contacted me with one of those "hey how ya doin" kind of things. I'd respond in a way that didn't promote more communication, if it turned a barrage, that's when there's an issue.

You can't be mad or have issues with an ex contacting, but you can have issue (or pride) in how your spouse responds. Protecting a marriage doesn't equal being rude to a certain group of people. My wife still gets christmas cards from an ex, I could care less because it's not more than that.


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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

In my case if an ex contacted me it would not be a big deal on my end. With that said if the roles were reversed it would probably bother me to some extent b/c then the thoughts of what if, what is going on, doubt, and not knowing the entire situation creeps in creating problems.

With that said it is one thing to say hello but another to continue to communicate with an ex knowing that it can only lead to trouble.

Obviously you don't want him to do things behind your back and start lying to you so taking a more casual approach but being very firm that you don't quite understand why this would go on is a possible approach.

I agree with many others above. This can lead from an innocent situation to a very dangerous one quickly.

Joe


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

lj123 said:


> If you are happily married and 100% happy with your relationship, would respond to any communication you received from an ex (esp. if they know you are married)?
> 
> What reason would you have for responding to the contact, esp. if you no longer want any type of relationship with the person?
> 
> My husband heard from an ex who still (clearly) has feelings for him, and I don't know if I really understand why he would if he is happy and not interested in her.


"Clearly?"

He married you. I'd say no problem as long as both understand everything is out in the open. No 'heart-to-heart' talks.. this is just friends talking right?

Well just friends talking that have had crazy animal sex together. BUT... I say dont let insecurity get the better of you here. This needn't be an emotional trial or call for hand wringing and wondering about trust and limits - but thats for you to decide. If it really bothers you.. you need to be able to say that too.

Your call. Not his.

If my wife laid down te law on something like this - I have to say I would be a little disappointed - but I could definitely understand. Who wouldnt.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

I have occasional and random contact with a number of “ex’s”, I’m “friends” with several on Facebook and LinkedIn and I’ve reached out to a number – generally “networking” e.g., trying to help a co-worker or classmate or looking after someone getting treatment in an ex’s medical specialty.

Even though romantic interests didn’t work out, it wouldn’t mean that I don’t care about my ex’s as people and wouldn’t hope the best for them – so of course it’s occasionally nice to hear from them.

I never had a truly “ugly’ breakup with any of those I’ve remained in contact with so I’d consider each to be a friend and I don’t see a problem with that type of contact. In-fact, with a few it’s unavoidable for greater extended family reasons.

However, what F-102 has listed is inappropriate and I’d put the kibosh on anything that even began to go down that road. I’d expect the same of Ms. Spin.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I had an ex request me on facebook along with a private message. My page is private but my marital status is public. I did politely respond back in with general conversation (i.e., good to see you're doing well, I'm married w kids now etc)m but I did not accept his friend request.

I also told my husband about it out of respect for him and our marriage.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I've had a few ex's contact me since I've been married. One I ignored as it was via text, several times, and I knew the number. Have no reason or need to talk to her, not when I'm married. One I got a call from, from an unfamiliar number, and answered that call. Had a nice conversation...while the W was there. No contact since, and I certainly did not encourage further contact. The third, is my ex-W. We talk fairly often, are facebook friends, etc. But it's more or less "business" as we have (a now grown) son together. 

Personally, I see nothing good coming from contact from an ex. They're an ex for a reason. Less having children together, ex's are best left in the past. ESPECIALLY when one is in a committed relationship with someone else.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

The first couple of times my ex contacted me after the break up, I did reply because he was asking to meet (I said no). Since then, he texted every few months, now every two months. I haven't been replying but if he sends any more crap to my phone in the middle of the night he's getting blocked.
Also I tell my current SO when I recieve anything, I have nothing to hide. Bottom line is, if he doesn't give a damn about that woman he wouldn't be responding. I have got the strength now to delete messages before reading them - I just don't need the mental mess!


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

I accidentally accepted a friend request on FB from an ex-boyfriend (I say 'accidentally', because after 26 years, I'd forgotten his last name, and it's a pretty generic name). It wasn't until he sent a message that I realized who he was; what he wrote sounded like if certain things hadn't happened, we'd still be together (!!!). I showed it to my H., then wrote him back with some niceties like how I was happy to hear he was doing well and wished him well, but that my H. and I have a "no exes as friends" policy. He wrote back with "SO BE IT!", and I defriended him.

We do have that policy. My H's affair was with an ex. For us, there's no place for that kind of communication at all in our marriage, even if every bit of it is transparent.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Absolutely no good will come from reconnecting from an X. It's a festering sore just waiting to spread. I have an X from a LTR that tries to connect with me every few years. The first time was about 15 years ago and we did correspond (With my wife's knowledge) She professed her love for me after a couple of weeks. I ended it immediately. Not just because of that but because when she did it, it sure made me feel good and that was my warning to end it. It's dangerous even in a solid marriage and mine was pretty good at that time. Now when she tries to contact me I just ignore the PM, email or phone call. No sensed in tempting fate.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I guess if an ex contacted me and her spouse knew and we spoke once to catch up that would be ok. Beyond that it would be way out of line in my mind. I was never sexual with any of my ex's so I think I could get away with that and be safe.

If my wife ever connected with her ex (who I know she pines for) it would be 100% over that day.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Absolutely no good will come from reconnecting from an X. It's a festering sore just waiting to spread.


For you, OK. Shrug. I think you are overstating it. I do know people that have 'fine' relationships with X's - especially when kids are involved. But it is what it is I suppose.

Again - This board is over-represented by people that see nothing but potential disaster and problems. Best thing to do is to simply be frank and open about it. People do, in fact, behave like adults, grow up, and move on with their lives - without the need to torch bridges.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Yeah, well, my stbxh very first betrayal was with an old high school sweetheart that he found on facebook. Innocent at first. Just catching up. Then the lies and betrayal began....


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

anotherguy said:


> For you, OK. Shrug. I think you are overstating it. I do know people that have 'fine' relationships with X's - especially when kids are involved. But it is what it is I suppose.


I am speaking of former lovers or someone who we've had a deep emotional tie with. A former spouse, if there are kids involved is another matter indeed. Parents will always have their lives tethered to some extent and I know many who handle it quite well. But my opinion, as stated above, is that the risks outweigh the benefits when in comes to reconnecting with an X, which is the question posed in the thread. "Hearing from an ex"


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> For you, OK. Shrug. I think you are overstating it. I do know people that have 'fine' relationships with X's - especially when kids are involved. But it is what it is I suppose.
> 
> Again - This board is over-represented by people that see nothing but potential disaster and problems. Best thing to do is to simply be frank and open about it. People do, in fact, behave like adults, grow up, and move on with their lives - without the need to torch bridges.


Unless you have kids with an ex....frankly I see no reason to keep contact out of the blue. What the heck for? I don't give a rat's a$$ about any of my ex's. I don't wish them ill either, but could care less what they're up to. So if someone contacted me, I'd tell my H, sure, but either not respond to the contact or give a brief "I'm fine, thanks" and move on. It's not necessarily about torching bridges, but more along the lines of I have no interest in that person at all, so why encourage contact.


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

If she still has feeling for him then squash it, now. Sooner or later she'll take him talking to her as "maybe I stand a chance" and there's a good chance she will try something.

On the other hand, I wouldn't condemn all relationships with ex's. I am still friends with several of my ex's who keep boundaries and really enjoy the company of both myself and my husband. Granted, none of these are ex's I was serious with. I've had sexual relations with one of four that I keep contact with and she's both the only woman and happily married.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I've had two ex's contact me on FB. One of the break-ups were civil, but the other was quite messy (she went out with another guy on a date, but claimed she didn't cheat on me). She still clings to that, but whatever... In addition, she abused me emotionally (believe it or not). 

Regarding both ladies contacting me, we had pleasant, catch-up conversations which lasted for a few hours. I told me wife about both, and even accepted their friend requests. Nothing ever came of this as I don't care to live in the past.


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