# Being nice to get nice - won't it backfire?



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

Okay, so I've had some therapy and have learned that I need to do better at accepting some responsibility for some of the problems with my marriage -- and, generally, my marriage is a bit better. He occasionally makes efforts too, but they extend to just being "nice." That's not nearly enough to make this marriage last, in my opinion, but it's a start.

One of the things that I keep reading is that "nagging" will not help. Has not helped, will not in the future. Being NICE / kind / loving to my husband, supposedly, no matter how mad I am at him or how badly he has messed up, is supposed to bring about a change in him (so they say) - that he will respond positively if shown that I love him no matter what.

I'm having a hard time with that. This is a low-level example, but I good one: I am frugal. I am glad that I am, because I am the sole wage earner in the marriage. We have most of what we have because of my money management (not that we have a lot, but we're comfortable). And I was raised during the energy crisis of the 70's so shutting lights, unused appliances, lowering thermostats, etc is ingrained in me. It is NOT his habit, but he admits that it makes sense. He has lived with me for over 20+ years, so he's had time for this frugality/energy-consciousness to become ingrained in him, as well.

Tonight - AGAIN, as he's done so many times, he left an appliance on without realizing it. Rather than taking care of it for him, which I think will not teach him a damned thing but that I will take care of things for him, I TOLD him that he'd left it on, again, and handed it to him to shut off. He got mad -- said that I could've just done it for him.

And yes, I could've. The kind, "wifey" me surely could have. It would have avoided a conflict.

But so would him taking it, shutting it off, promising to remember -- AND ACTUALLY REMEMBERING to do this, in the future.

I am so resistant to giving in to his irresponsibility this way. I don't want to be his mommy. I already take care of SO MUCH for him. I want him to start growing up and taking care of things FOR ME. FOR US.

So -- how do I reconcile this "concession" towards being nicer/more loving with my need to not absolve him of all responsibility to those things that are important to us, as a team, to keep us financially stable?

This is a really long post to ask, I guess: how do I stop pointing out his mistakes and broken promises (energy savings is NOT the only thing involved, here) when I'm afraid that NOT pointing them out will simply allow those broken promises to continue?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I take it there must be more important issues. 

For this example, I would say, "don't sweat the small stuff". 

You have had 20 years to realize the way he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

He knows how you are, ok. But you know how HE is as well. The old "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" comes to mind. You can't FORCE him to be more like you. Sounds like you're wanting something he just isn't going to give. Which would put the ball right back in your court. What changes can YOU make? Letting the consequences fall where they may? Allowing the appliance to remain on and mentioning it without GIVING it to him to turn off? 

If you stop taking care of things for him, he's going to HAVE to take care of them himself. And if he doesn't, then so be it. That's where consequences come in. Unfortunately sometimes they're going to affect you as well. That's just what happens when we share space with another person.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

I think that nagging is ineffective in most situations. Many women will nag their husbands to do a specific chore (like take out the trash), and then cave and do it for them anyway. This is pointless because that woman just wasted however much energy nagging, on top of the energy it took to do the chore. Whereas, if she had left the trash sitting there for a few days, asked politely once, and then just left it sitting there...Her husband probably would eventually figure out that he was supposed to take out the trash.

These situations can be avoided by assigning clear responsibilities (as in, one person ALWAYS takes out the trash, or always does it on certain days, etc.)

Your situation is slightly different because it's a result of your husband simply forgetting. It was an _accident_. I feel strongly against punishing someone for an accident, whether they are a child or an adult. You mentioned that you grew up learning these habits, but your husband didn't; it's harder for him to learn and remember. In this case, I think you should be encouraging and, yes, nice, but you should also make sure he is the one learning to turn them off. So yes, be nice, but no, don't do it for him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you'll have to do is accept what he won't change about, and focus on what he CAN change about. For example, why is he not working? THAT is something he could be doing something about that could have a much bigger impact on your happiness.

That said, if you really want to work on such things as the appliance, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster questionnaire - one's for wives, one's for husbands. Hand his to him and ask him to fill it out; tell him you are filling yours out, and it is important - vitally important - to you that the two of you address the issues you find in these questionnaires. Tell him that, while you are going to write down in yours what he does that bothers you, you want him to fill out in his what YOU do - because you want to stop being the person who keeps him from caring enough to want to make you happy; and you need the knowledge from the questionnaire to do that. 

After they are filled out, sit down without distractions, and discuss what's on them. Do NOT get touchy about what he says, thank him for being honest, and discuss the things that you can and can't do anything about.

For example, he'll most likely say 'nagging' is one of his top LBs that you do to him. Acknowledge his feelings. Then ask him for specifics. When he gives you one, delve deeper into WHY that becomes a nagging experience, and ask him to help you realize a different way of handling that particular occurrence (such as the appliance).

Instead of just resenting back and forth (and I promise you, he resents YOU, too), find SOLUTIONS.

It will be a VERY intense discussion; be prepared; no one likes to be told what they're doing wrong. But if you approach it as 'let's find a way to both be happy with each other so we look forward to seeing each other each day, instead of finding ways to avoid each other' - he'll be more engaged.

Remember, LBs are VERY personal and we each have a RIGHT to own our own LBs; you can't 'tell' him he doesn't get the right to call your ABC behavior an LB; it just is. One of my DH's biggest ones is that he makes a sandwich every day and leaves the knife on the counter. He could step two steps forward and put it in the sink, or even one more step and put it in the dishwasher, but he doesn't. He KNOWS it bothers me. It's a HUGE LB to me because he so consistently refuses to CARE that it's bothering me. 

Plus, at 20 years of marriage, you likely aren't doing much to rekindle your romance, I'll bet. Dr Harley at MB promotes spending 10-15 hours a week together doing things that DO rekindle romance. Could be hugging, could be walks, could be doing a jigsaw puzzle together. But you have to WORK on your marriage to keep feeling like you're glad you're together. How can you work on that?


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## k.m (May 18, 2009)

Suffice it to say that YES, there are bigger issues in the marriage. This "forgetting" (which I believe is way more NOT CARING than it is forgetting) is a minor symptom of a lack of sense of responsibility that I've been dealing with. I carry the load, in all senses, in the marriage. Even when he knows there are problems with the situation, his solution is to smile and act "nice," but to make no changes at all to behaviors.

Regardless - you have all given me things that I may still be able to incorporate. I just have to hope that my fatigue doesn't win out over my desire to have a good marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband will be unmotivated to improve if you nag him and your life will stay the same. The benefit of nagging him is you save 50 cents in electricity. Which is better?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Tell us what you appreciate about your husband? What are his good qualities?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you ever read The Dance of Anger? It's an awesome little book that teaches you how to let go, to stop making up for what you lack from others. 

fwiw, you carry the load because you CHOOSE to, because getting things done is a better payoff for you than digging your heels in and waiting him out. Women are the Supreme Beings when it comes to self-sacrifice (and then resenting our partner because of it).

THIS, you can stop. Whether he participates or not.


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