# It keeps coming up. I can't get past it. Help!



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

My H had an EA almost 5 years ago. I've tried getting past it, and at times I am. My problem is that he keeps doing things that I see as red flags and they take me right back to "that place". I am almost positive he is being faithful, but he tries to cover up innocent things that he think would upset me because he doesn't "want to deal with it". He feels like his mistake is going to be brought up and used against him forever. Whenever I bring up the fact that I'm insecure, he just reassures me that I have no reason to be. Then he talks about how he can't win, and he can't live under a microscope. He messed up and he won't ever live it down, is what he says. 

Question is, and I'm looking for viewpoints from the loyal spouse and the wayward spouse, how do you get past this? Am I doing something wrong by logging into his facebook account once a week and looking around? Or checking his e-mail? Or looking at his phone after I found him out in his truck at 2am talking to a "friend" and then find that it was an ex girlfriend he was talking to? Am I wrong to be upset that I find out he has another e-mail address? And I made the mistake of telling him to delete the ex girlfriend as a facebook friend, and he says I can't tell him who to be friends with. 

I keep using my signature quote to try not to torment myself. But it's all so scary. It's just so frustrating. We try to move forward, and then keep getting pulled back to this place. I want to move forward. I want to forgive and forget. I want to trust him 100%. But his "little white lies" discourage me. How should I act towards him? He understands how I feel and he really is a good person and wants me to be happy, but he feels like I'll never be happy because of what he's done. Any suggestions?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> My H had an EA almost 5 years ago. I've tried getting past it, and at times I am. My problem is that he keeps doing things that I see as red flags and they take me right back to "that place". I am almost positive he is being faithful, but he tries to cover up innocent things that he think would upset me because he doesn't "want to deal with it". He feels like his mistake is going to be brought up and used against him forever. Whenever I bring up the fact that I'm insecure, he just reassures me that I have no reason to be. Then he talks about how he can't win, and he can't live under a microscope. He messed up and he won't ever live it down, is what he says.
> 
> Question is, and I'm looking for viewpoints from the loyal spouse and the wayward spouse, how do you get past this? Am I doing something wrong by logging into his facebook account once a week and looking around? Or checking his e-mail? Or looking at his phone after I found him out in his truck at 2am talking to a "friend" and then find that it was an ex girlfriend he was talking to? Am I wrong to be upset that I find out he has another e-mail address? And I made the mistake of telling him to delete the ex girlfriend as a facebook friend, and he says I can't tell him who to be friends with.
> 
> I keep using my signature quote to try not to torment myself. But it's all so scary. It's just so frustrating. We try to move forward, and then keep getting pulled back to this place. I want to move forward. I want to forgive and forget. I want to trust him 100%. But his "little white lies" discourage me. How should I act towards him? He understands how I feel and he really is a good person and wants me to be happy, but he feels like I'll never be happy because of what he's done. Any suggestions?


I am kinda in the same boat myself. I wish I knew something that could help. I keep getting told that if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't yet I am still paranoid that he is still in contact with the OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would think that by now your H would just be up front and deal with it. 5 years ago he betrayed you.

Me and you, the both of us will continue to investigate our spouse activities. For me my wife understands that she will be found out sooner or later so when she does something stupid she does it front of me. I laugh it off and then she has to deal with the interigation of why she is doing soemthing so stupid. 

When its all said in done there is some small reason she needs to call a girl friend that I don't approve of or something to that effect.

The issue I see is your spouse has not come to the conclusion that my wife has, that we will find every thing and thats just how thing are going to be. Bottom line she screwed up and the deal is if she wants me she has to deal with my " investigative behavior". 

The good thing is both our spouse have lower IQ's then us and they do stupid things and get caught. Yours just hasn't excepted this fact.

He is way out of line and has crossed your boundries so what will be the consequences for his actions?

A fellow member of the cheating police told me he locks his wife cell phone up in the safe at night along with his daughters car keys. Funny thing is his wife except that and deals with it. His daughter on the other hand has some issues.

I quess when your young the controlling thing can be a sore spot.

I don't believe you get past it you either except the routine of protecting your family or someone decides they want to break the family up and live there life in terms of "me" instead of "we"

Boundries and consequences, my kids know them, as does my wife.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think you just have to drop the weighs. let it go, its hurting you to carry it around, and your husband is being forced to have the affair everyday, and you are stuck in the moment of catching hi in the act.

just let it go. everyday make a point to not remember it at all. if you are angry wwith him dont say it out loud. you must stop tortureing your selves and put the past in the past...

it is hard i get it, but how is this any better. you throw it up in his face day after day. im not tring to come off mean or anything. i do understand, if you forgave him..forgive him....


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## Taylor (Jan 15, 2011)

Some of those things would raise flags to me such as the email account, the phone calls, ect. Those don't seem like things to overlook to me personally. I think he should be understanding at what you need done (deleting certain ppl for instance) in order to feel more at ease. That's a fine line he is walking. I think he should be more understanding of where you're coming from.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

are the phone call to the ex and the private email accounts things you've found recently? In my opinion, I agree that those are red flags. Although he may think that he's protecting you from having to "deal" with these issues, it's actually working against him. I would tell him that you'd rather "deal" with the truth than have to find out after the fact that he is being secretive. I don't know that you will get past it if his attitude and behavior doesn't change. I get that he is thinking he'll never live it down, but part of living it down is being completely transparent and truthful. It is true that he wants to be with you, but that does not mean that he wouldn't have someone else on the side.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

hi LnL, I just found out about my H's ea last year, and found out that it's been 3 years he's cheated on me. I also experienced bad dreams almost everyday...cried at every 'silent' time, kept saying how stupid I was to take so long to notice his deception. 
What helps me through those bad times was meditation. I don't know whether it'll work for you, but meditation helps to calm you, give u inner peace, and later will help u to set goals of what you want to be, what kind of family you want to have. Slowly it will change how you behave from outside too. When you change, you will notice that people around you will change too.

Also for me I give myself a limit for myself. Let say, if he doesn't change until certain time, then I'll promised myself I'd take action n leave. In the meantime, keep yourself busy, find new things to explore, if you're a housewife, find a way to make money from home. Try to be make a new life for yourself as if he's not in it.
just don't be so hard on yourself, ask yourself, if he does leave, will it matter that much? think hard, maybe it's not.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I tried to forgive my ex-husband for cheating, and get past it. Here are the things I learned (for us, it didn't work):

1. You get past it by being shown you can trust him again. Complete openness on his part, showing you his e-mail, facebook, phone, etc. Whatever you need to see in order to know you can trust him, he should let you see. If he won't, red flag. 

2. There comes a point, *when you don't find anything to cause doubt*, that you have to stop checking up on him and simply trust him again. After a certain amount of time has passed during which you find nothing to make you think you can't trust him, you have to stop looking at his facebook, email, phone, etc. 

3. If he resists being open, or if you find things (such as secret emails, phone conversations with another woman that you were not present to hear his end of the conversation and it wasn't work related), this is a sign that you cannot and should not trust him. Whether he's actually doing anything *wrong* or just being secretive, it's deception, and that does not contribute to trust. 

Basically, based on the lessons I learned, I'd say that you are not getting past this because he's not letting you. He's doing things that give you cause to doubt, and acting as though you are the problem. That makes it difficult to get past an affair. 

Have you guys had any counseling after the affair? If not, I would consider doing it now. Hearing from a third party that he needs to stop being secretive and start being open with you, and having that neutral third party who can help each of you express your feelings clearly could really help you.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My thoughts:
1) Fu*Kbook is a dating service for married people! Find me one single person (just one) that hasn't looked up an "ex" and I might think differently! Until then, Fu*kbook should NOT be used by married people. "Nothing good can come of it". All it takes is a bit of weakness on one partner's part. Fu*kbook makes it easy to stray.

2) One of the consequences of cheating is that it drastically alters the future course of the marriage. If the cheating partner wants to remain married, they need total transparency! There is no more "privacy". NONE! The wayward spouse needs to get this! It can take years of checking before the loyal spouse feels comfortable enough to stop looking. I secretly installed software on my wife's phone to show me who she calls, all of her texts, etc. She discovered it a few days later. Rather than get mad at me, she said "I don't blame you. I don't deserve privacy anylonger!" As an aside, I removed the software because I didn't feel comfortable with it. Also, my wife had a secret cellphone to have her EA anyways! Which leads me to my next point....

3) With all of the investigating and checking, you may just be outwitted by a partner who wants to cheat! As I said above, my wife had a prepaid cell phone that she bought at Target. I never discovered it. It wasn't until she came clean, did I know about the phone. Looking back on things, I think the biggest clue to the EA was the fact that we were growing apart. We went out together every Friday and Saturday nights, made love often, but were lacking true intimacy and communication that we have now. I have to believe that should I feel that intimacy discipating, then my "radar" will be fine tuned to look for infidelity. Until that point, I need to continue to spend my time and efforts improving my marriage and myself.

4) No secret phone calls. When my wife checks her voicemail, she puts it on speaker phone. She calls me throughout the day to let me know where she is. She recounts the activities of her day. Again, while there are no guarantees, it's better than the alternative of secrecy and no accountability.

5) Marriages need clearly communicated boundaries. Talking to ex-girlfriends shouldn't be acceptable (nor necessary), especially in private and at 2am! If it's required because of shared kids, then it should be done in company of your spouse. Regarding him saying that you can't tell him who to be friends with, this is a form of control on both sides. You want to control him, he is controling you by having inappropriate contact and then telling you that you can't do anything about it. There is no place in a marriage for this. If it makes you uncomfortable, he needs to understand this and make concessions to accomodate you.

Read the books on infidelity to understand more. "His Needs, Her Needs...How to Affairproof your Marriage" is a good one. "Just Friends" is another.

Goodluck.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks everyone. This blew up even further.  My point is that I want to trust him, and I truly believe that he wants to move forward together. However, these things he does are red flags and he does them anyway, trying to not upset me. I have his passwords, that's his excuse when I tell him I'm uncomfortable with the phone calls and such. But why does he get angry when I actually use them? I have a laptop from work I use, and he uses our laptop as his. Last night I grabbed it to download an e-mail for him of a conversation I had with a friend online (so he could see my view and an outsiders view on it all) and I just hit "paste" to see what he had done while we were at a friends house. It was a girl's e-mail address.  I went in and asked him who it was and it was a girl from work that he had talked to about her personal problems for awhile. I was crushed that he was now using his secret e-mail account to contact these people instead of facebook. And he was upset I was still doing the paste thing. I started doing that after I hit paste one time and it said something about "you don't know how much I love you" which he said was an email he was sending to me but never sent. ANOTHER RED FLAG! I can't handle it. I don't think he gets that if he stops raising red flags and starts being open, I can move forward. He is keeping me from moving forward. And he feels like I treat him like a child and it's an attack on him if I check up on him. He's being attacked. He blames himself for everything, for putting us where we are due to the EA. But he says he can't live like this and it isn't fair for me to live like this. Then it makes me wonder if I am enough for him.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

Taylor said:


> Some of those things would raise flags to me such as the email account, the phone calls, ect. Those don't seem like things to overlook to me personally. I think he should be understanding at what you need done (deleting certain ppl for instance) in order to feel more at ease. That's a fine line he is walking. I think he should be more understanding of where you're coming from.


I agree!!!! He is not doing what he is suppose to be doing. He is continuing the behavior that got him in the EA five years ago! How can you be expected to move on, when you are experiencing the SAME behavior!!! I hope I am wrong when I say this...But, I think he is having another EA or PA!!! NO ONE needs a secret email account or talk in their car at 2am!!!! 

I have heard the whole Facebook argument/excuses for having a certain woman friend, I found a secret email account and I caught my H talking and texting secretly in the wee hours of the night...and guess what? He was having a full blown affair!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sucks!!! But this guy needs to go if he is not going to stop ALL this behavior!!!

In fact, since this is not his first time, I would seriously consider kicking this jerk to the curb!!!

Good luck!


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

LonelyNLost said:


> Thanks everyone. This blew up even further.  My point is that I want to trust him, and I truly believe that he wants to move forward together. However, these things he does are red flags and he does them anyway, trying to not upset me. I have his passwords, that's his excuse when I tell him I'm uncomfortable with the phone calls and such. *But why does he get angry when I actually use them? *I have a laptop from work I use, and he uses our laptop as his. Last night I grabbed it to download an e-mail for him of a conversation I had with a friend online (so he could see my view and an outsiders view on it all) and I just hit "paste" to see what he had done while we were at a friends house. It was a girl's e-mail address.  I went in and asked him who it was and it was a girl from work that he had talked to about her personal problems for awhile. I was crushed that he was now using his secret e-mail account to contact these people instead of facebook. And he was upset I was still doing the paste thing. I started doing that after I hit paste one time and it said something about "you don't know how much I love you" which he said was an email he was sending to me but never sent. ANOTHER RED FLAG! I can't handle it. I don't think he gets that if he stops raising red flags and starts being open, I can move forward. He is keeping me from moving forward. And he feels like I treat him like a child and it's an attack on him if I check up on him. He's being attacked. He blames himself for everything, for putting us where we are due to the EA. But he says he can't live like this and it isn't fair for me to live like this. Then it makes me wonder if I am enough for him.


Because you are catching him doing things he shouldn't be doing!!!! If he knows enough to hide his behavior, he knows he shouldn't be doing it!!!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I showed him these responses. He didn't have much to say. I think I've come to the realization that I've got to get past this, but he's keeping me in an unfair cycle by bringing me back to that place with his suspicious behavior, even if it IS innocent. 

The girl he was talking to lives 2,000 miles away. She's an ex. A whole other issue. But he won't deleter her off his FB. He could solve a lot for the time being by doing that, but to him it's the principle. 

I think at this point, my choice is to get over it or eventually lose him because he can't handle the guilt. I have been a little unfair in throwing it in his face, but I have also tried the, "your actions make me insecure" approach. But if the past gets brought up, he's immediately "done. can't keep doing this." It hurts. He's a great guy and I don't think he's up to anything. He really does love me, but he's stubborn. It's a respect thing I think. I just don't know at this point. I need a counselor for my own good. I don't think he'll come anyhow. We tried a counselor after the EA and she focused on him and why he did what he did. Never helped me or focused on what was missing in our marriage. It was what was missing in his life (job satisfaction, jealous of my success, feeling neglected). He won't acknowledge my role, either. I know I neglected him, and my beef is with the fact that he never brought it up. It weakened our marriage enough for that to happen.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I kinda think that if you keep pushing him and not trusting him then he will cheat on you... I would back up honestly have a EA is nothing compaired to a physical cheat. if you think about it we all one point in our life have a EA because we want to be reassured by someone that we still have it. Then when it crosses that line its done... Dont get on him about it its been five years I would move forward life is WAY TO SHORT..


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Sunflower, I disagree. An EA is just as painful as a PA. If not more so. An affair is an affain, whether there is physical contact or an emotional connection. They will both cut you just as fast and just as deep.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

An EA is extremely painful. Especially since you have to sit and wonder if it went PA, even though your spouse promises you it didn't. 

This really sucks. I think I need to see a counselor just to deal with this myself. I am the only one positive and wanting to move forward. We were in such a great place just a week ago, and now my insecurities have erased all of that. And it just makes me miss "us" more because it felt soooo good a week ago.  

Thanks for your comments. I agree with some and disagree with some. But that's what I like about TAM.


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## MayfairJaz (Jan 17, 2011)

It's not easy to forgive but it is possible to move on if you are re-assured that your H is committed to you now. Trust is something that you MUST give your husband now please don't do this to yourself. http://howtohaveahappymarriage.info/inf_report1.pdf read this hopefully it will help and also http://howtohaveahappymarriage.info/mar_report1.pdf - best of luck in clearing your mind


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need professional counseling to get past this. He most likely IS cheating on you, based on what you've described. But the way you two are handling it will never improve.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

MayfairJaz said:


> It's not easy to forgive but it is possible to move on if you are re-assured that your H is committed to you now. Trust is something that you MUST give your husband now please don't do this to yourself. http://howtohaveahappymarriage.info/inf_report1.pdf read this hopefully it will help and also http://howtohaveahappymarriage.info/mar_report1.pdf - best of luck in clearing your mind


Thank you for the pdf's. They look helpful. I will print them out and read them. We just need guidance at this point. He needs reassurance that this won't haunt him forever. And I need reassurance that I can get over it!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I got insecure again and found things I didn't like on his facebook page.  His ex gf wrote a "25 things about me" that included the place she wanted to go most in the world being my hometown, which is obscure. I get upset, we fight, and he says all he cares about is the kids. FML.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LonelyNLost said:


> I got insecure again and found things I didn't like on his facebook page.  His ex gf wrote a "25 things about me" that included the place she wanted to go most in the world being my hometown, which is obscure. I get upset, we fight, and he says all he cares about is the kids. FML.


Do you want to be with him if all he cares about are the kids? I wouldn't think that would be enough for you. I want my kids to have their father, but I also want a man to be my husband and to love me regardless of the kids. Is that what you want too?? Can you remind me if you guys hav already done counseling or not??


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Do you want to be with him if all he cares about are the kids? I wouldn't think that would be enough for you. I want my kids to have their father, but I also want a man to be my husband and to love me regardless of the kids. Is that what you want too?? Can you remind me if you guys hav already done counseling or not??


This is the first time he's said that. I got upset because I saw that on her page and got insecure. He had the EA years ago, and we did some counseling right after that was unhelpful. I think it helped him, but she never dealt with the cheating and how to move forward. We did okay, but then we're here. He is sick of being under suspicion, but his actions aren't transparent. He was all in a few weeks ago, he went to visit friends for a week, came back, and it all fell apart. He was all sweet and telling me he couldn't live without me. Now this.  It's like I have a choice...get over it or lose him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you looked at the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com? If you two filled them out, it would help you get on the same page. Also, I have to ask...how much do you do to satisfy him in the bedroom? Sex is usually most men's #1 need; if you're not paying attention to that, he WILL get dissatisfied with you.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> Have you looked at the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com? If you two filled them out, it would help you get on the same page. Also, I have to ask...how much do you do to satisfy him in the bedroom? Sex is usually most men's #1 need; if you're not paying attention to that, he WILL get dissatisfied with you.


We're good in the bedroom. About the only thing that's good. He won't fill out any questionnaires. He's over my insecurity. I understand I have to get over it, but am I wrong to feel like he's being shady?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why does he get to demand what is acceptable in your marriage? Because you're willing to take him at any cost? Don't doubt he doesn't know that.


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