# don't know what to do



## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

ok, i'm new and this is going to be long

last week my husband sprung it on me that he wasn't happy and hasn't been for a while. i had no clue, he's a good actor. he pointed out reasons why he's not happy, some are we haven't gone out in a really long time, i'm not outgoing anymore, and i don't jump on him anymore. well i tried getting him to go out. we were out for 20 min and went home. i started getting out of my shell and became more outgoing. and i thought i was always jumping on him (not literally) i was always touching and cuddling w/ him, always told him how hot he is. i tried talking to him and all he says is he needs time to think. other than that i'm not getting any response from him, it seems like he's purposely ignoring me. i know it's only been a week, but shouldn't i have gotten a little response?
then for mother's day he messed w/ my mind w/ the type of present he got me. our daughter wanted to get me earrings (earrings don't cost much), but instead he got me an expensive necklace. why would he do that if he's thinking of leaving me?
i don't understand. 
i need some insight, especially from a guy (so i can understand a guy's perspective) please help me


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confusedandhurt said:


> then for mother's day he messed w/ my mind w/ the type of present he got me. our daughter wanted to get me earrings (earrings don't cost much), but instead he got me an expensive necklace. why would he do that if he's thinking of leaving me?


He might not be "in love" with you but respects you as a mother and thinks that you deserve what you got for your role as a mother. Love and respect can be two different things.

draconis


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

we talked a lot last night. according to him, in basically comes down to he's changed. he's not the laid back guy anymore. he wants things done his way and doesn't put up w/ stupidity anymore (i'm not stupid, but other people are). and he just doesn't feel the same as he did 10 yrs ago when we got together. he says he still loves and cares for me, but there's no spark anymore. we've got an appointment next week w/ a marriage counselor. he says he'll be open minded about it, but doesn't see how it'll work since he doesn't like being told what to do.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

I hope he stays open minded and the conselor is a good one because he sounds like something is really bothering him in general. People usually try to control things in their lives when they feel helpless about something else. 

As for the spark. It is hard work to keep it going I work on it everyday.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confusedandhurt said:


> we talked a lot last night. according to him, in basically comes down to he's changed. he's not the laid back guy anymore. he wants things done his way and doesn't put up w/ stupidity anymore (i'm not stupid, but other people are). and he just doesn't feel the same as he did 10 yrs ago when we got together. he says he still loves and cares for me, but there's no spark anymore. we've got an appointment next week w/ a marriage counselor. he says he'll be open minded about it, but doesn't see how it'll work since he doesn't like being told what to do.


For the spark you can try a few things.

1) Evaluate your sex life. Is it normal, 3 times a week?

2) Do you still have a date night, just the two of you?

3) Do you do regular things for each other daily?

All things to consider.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Draconis makes some great points on what to look at and try within the marriage.

I'm not sure how old he is, but could he be at a point in his life where he's re-evaluating where he is at and not happy? Not so much speaking within your marriage but is he unhappy with his job? boss? line of work? If he is like many men and work is his main focus/drive it can do a number on other areas of his life if it's not going well for him. Maybe he is just in a rut and needs to do some soul searching on what makes him happy?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

swedish said:


> Draconis makes some great points on what to look at and try within the marriage.
> 
> I'm not sure how old he is, but could he be at a point in his life where he's re-evaluating where he is at and not happy? Not so much speaking within your marriage but is he unhappy with his job? boss? line of work? If he is like many men and work is his main focus/drive it can do a number on other areas of his life if it's not going well for him. Maybe he is just in a rut and needs to do some soul searching on what makes him happy?


Swedish makes an excellent point

For many men they are forced into the "provider role" and take very unfulfilling jobs because of stability. I did for years a hated every day going to work but it paid well and provided for my family so i did it so my family could have the things they wanted even though I loathed the job.

draconis


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I don't think a week is long enough to see changes. It has obviously taken some time to get to this point - as will it will take time to try to fix/change those feelings. 
Also consider that I am sure your husband may appreciate you trying to work on the things he asked - if it seems to "staged" it doesn't seem natural or may come across that you are "trying too hard". Which may not produce the results intended. 
Try to be more natural but yet still aware. 
maybe the nice gift is something out of guilt - that he feels bad? or maybe just reading into it too much. enjoy the necklace & forget about what given that than earrings.


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## confusedtoo (May 16, 2008)

Hi confusedandhurt.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My husband seems to still care about me but not in the way that I deserve. As wives we are trying to hold down the fort with raising kids, working, and trying to please our spouses as best we can. I feel that I barely have time to myself so going out and other spontaneous acts of love have dwindled. I work full time and commute 2 hours a day so I want to spend the 2 hours at night with my son before he goes to bed. Since my son is sucha great sleeper, we actualyl had time to ourselves in the evening, We would ususlaly just watch movies together but it was hard to go out unless we got a babysitter. I enjoyed that time just being together. 
My husband seems like he is like yours because he sounds stubborn, selfish, and hates being told what to do. My husband actually refuses conseling at he moment. My husband has been a great father to our son and I see no faults in how he interacts with him. 
I had noticed my husband over the past year getting more and more distant and when I asked him about it he just said all was fine..... Now since we have been discussing our feelings over the last month, we are probably going to separate and see what happens. I know as a couple we do not make eachother happy right now. He ignores me and intimacy is gone. And I feel that I need to let go and hope that he sees that we were happy at one time and build on that love we once had.... I honestly think that my husband was not ready to face the change in our relationship after having a child. I think I was and I don't know if I can be with someone who thinks like that..... all the best to you.


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

ok, so it's been a few weeks. we started seeing a councelor and it seems to be getting worse eventhough the councelor says we're making progress. all we do is argue now. some issues came up and i finally said how i really feel about them (i won't get into that so don't ask) and now he says that i'm lying and making excuses coz i never said these things to him before. i know it's my fault for not saying things before so don't even try to blame him for that. he said how he didn't like how i didn't tell him some things and i told him now you know how it feels since for months he didn't tell me how he feels about us and then 1 day just springs it on me.
then i did the stupidest thing. i told him maybe he should go away for a little while to see if he's happier that way. he took that as me completely giving up. i'm in no way giving up. i don't want him to move out and i told him this. i'm just trying to give him space. i tried explaining but he doesn't want to hear it. i just feel like i ruined any chance to salvage us. he thinks the therapist is a quack and doesn't like being there so he doesn't believe her when she said we're making progress. 
i'm just so tired of all of this. i'm tired of being pushed down by life and having to get back up (it's happened a lot. again i won't get into that). if he leaves i know i won't want to get back up, but i will for our daughter. and i won't be living, i'll just be going through the motions for her sake


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would say getting the issues out in the open is making progress but it sounds like you are both having trouble communicating with one another without getting defensive. I think you both need to decide whether being right is more important than being together.

I'd recommend reading Draconis' thesis on communication...V) and down might help you both. Figure out some good ground rules for your next discussion and talk to your husband beforehand so you both have the same goals in mind for talking and listening to one another.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi there - it definitely sounds like there are communication issues - as with most couples. And if you are being completely honest - then yes, there are going to be things that the other persons probably doesn't want to hear. Especially if it involves them having to change - not too many like change. However, many of us are in the "mess" we are in because we ignored our partners signs for help & kept doing what felt comfortable to us. That is where the problem lies. . .
I think you should take it as a good sign that your husband has approached you & said he isn't happy & want to make things better. Because, as I am sure you have read, many of our significant other didn't bother coming to us 1st to discuss - they took it upon themselves to "act" on their unhappiness & had affairs. So if you can put a positive twist to this situation - maybe that is it. 
Even if you husband doesn't want to continue in therapy - it will be good for you to work through what you are going through. And make you stronger. I have read in some of the self help books that sometimes the signficant other may come around, especially if they see that you making strides & moving forward with your life. 
Not sure how long you have been married but in any posts - I usually remind everyone that most likely things didn't get to where they are today over night. That the issues that are arising today have taken time to build & surface and it will take some time to disucss and come up with solutions to resolve those issues. 

Be patient & persistent - things will be get better. stay positive!!


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

ok, so i'm not sure, but i think i may have screwed up yet again. i gave him his father's day present early coz i thought he may want to use it. i got him a new digital camera coz i remembered he said he wasn't too fond of the 1 we have, and he got me something really nice for mother's day so i wanted to get him something just as nice. i asked him if he liked it and non-chalantly he said yeah. later he asked me why i got him the camera. i told him coz i wanted to, i love him, he's a really good father and deserves something nice. so he told me i shoudn't have gotten him it coz of the way he's been treating me lately. what does that mean? did i screw up? should i have not gotten him the camera? i just wanted to get him something nice, that's all


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.
I think that you must be a thoughtful person because you really think about gift for/from others & it seems to mean a lot to you . But I think you might be reading into the gift thing a little too much. . .? Going back to your mothers day gift & why did he get you earring instead of something else, etc. 
I agree you would think he would have been a little more excited about getting a new camera. Maybe he is analyzing why you gave him such a nice gift? not sure what your finacial situation is ( nor is it anyone's business) but maybe he feels your can't afford that right now? Maybe he is hiding something & now feel guilty? Who knows . . .. And you might never know what he is thinking or why he reacted that way. 
If you really want to know, you could maybe try to find a non- threatening way to ask if you really want to find out more. Maybe approach him by saying - " I felt hurt when you reacted to my gift that way" - is there something that is bothering you besides the camera & see what he says. 
I can understand that you are extremely self conscience about everything that you do around your husband after being told the things he told you back in May. I think it is only natural 
How are things going with counseling? Does your husband seem to be opening up & talking about the issues that are making him unhappy? If so, try to be open minded & see if you can come up with solutions together. While you are at it, maybe there are a few things that you would like to see improved in your marriage as well. Don't forget to put yourself & your happiness a priority too.
Have a good weekend & have fun taking lots of pics.


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

the funny thing is, 1 of the issues he has is that i'm never sure on a gift for him and i always (ok not always but more than half the time) ask if he'd like what i thought of. i get him a gift w/out discussing it w/ him and he acts this way. no thank you for trying.


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

so saturday night we went to his brother's birthday party. his step-sisters that he hasn't seen since he was little were there (they didn't recognize him at all. he had to tell them who he was). he talked to 1 of them for a while about his step-mother (her mother) and both agreed she's a terrible person. then the step-sister suggested he should get some type of therapy coz the step-mother really messed him up. the funny thing is 1 of his other brothers suggested the same thing. so know i'm wondering if his problem is really w/ me OR w/ his past issues and he's just taking it out on me. i can handle everything a lot better if he is taking it out on me


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

ok, so i've noticed that in every aspect (other than w/ me) he seems to be a bit happier. we're going away this weekend to where we spent our honeymoon. the downside is my brother and his wife will be there, but my brother knows what's going on between us so hopefully he'll give us some time alone. wish me luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confusedandhurt said:


> ok, so i've noticed that in every aspect (other than w/ me) he seems to be a bit happier. we're going away this weekend to where we spent our honeymoon. the downside is my brother and his wife will be there, but my brother knows what's going on between us so hopefully he'll give us some time alone. wish me luck.


Good luck, I wish you well.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confusedandhurt said:


> so saturday night we went to his brother's birthday party. his step-sisters that he hasn't seen since he was little were there (they didn't recognize him at all. he had to tell them who he was). he talked to 1 of them for a while about his step-mother (her mother) and both agreed she's a terrible person. then the step-sister suggested he should get some type of therapy coz the step-mother really messed him up. the funny thing is 1 of his other brothers suggested the same thing. so know i'm wondering if his problem is really w/ me OR w/ his past issues and he's just taking it out on me. i can handle everything a lot better if he is taking it out on me


Those past issues are only problems if he allows the trama to haunt him. Therapy might very well help him to understand himself.

draconis


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

ok, so this past weekend we went to the beach. although nothing romantic happened i think the weekend was a bit of a success. he didn't give me the cold shoulder at all (he's been doing that in the past), was very concerned about me eating (i lost a lot of weight and w/ drinking all weekend he made sure i ate enough). and 1 night we were at a karoake (sp?) bar and everyone was drunk. i went up to sing (which i do sober also so it wasn't liquid courage) and while i was up ther my sister in-law heard some girls talking bad about me (most likely jealousy coz i was prettier and better at singing than they were). well we left coz she's very protective of her family. when we got out she told us only that the girls were talking bad, but wouldn't tell us what they said. my husband wanted to go back and kick their butts (he was just pissed that people were talking about me). i DO NOT condone guys beating girls up, but it was nice to know he was standing up for me.
it was just an all around good time. no fighting, we laughed and joked. we were good friends again.


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

well i was wrong about our trip. he told me he would've had just as much fun w/out me there and not nearly as much fun if it was just the 2 of us.


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

i tthink i'm starting to lose it


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## confusedandhurt (May 12, 2008)

i keep making things worse. early this morning i was cold so i turned off the air conditioner. he asked if i was still cold and i said yeah. he told me to come closer to him and i said no coz he's the 1 that doesn't want to be close to me. he got mad and went back to sleep. when we got up he said he was just trying to be nice and i told him i didn't want him to feel obligated to do anything. he said despite what i believe he still cares about me. right now just caring about me doesn't mean much. i told him no more sex coz i can't go from being intimate like that to there being no affection afterwards. we're suppose to go to my brother's house tomorrow and spend the night. part of me doesn't want to go coz i know it doesn't matter to him if i'm there or not

i am seriously losing my mind


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

think I have written this before & several others - do not blame yourself for the way your husband is acting. You can not be soley responsible to make him happy.
Can't recall if you are meeting with a therapist but it sounds like you would really benefit from talking to a professional about your feelings & fears. You seems to be on an emotional rollercoaster & that is not health. Also from what you are writing - it sounds like your self esteem could use some boosting ( especially because you keep saying "you messed up, made it worse", etc. You are doing what you thought was right at the time, shouldn't be 2nd guessing yourself. 
If you don't feel like being intimate with your husband - that is your right. But if you want to work this out - you are going to need to open up to your husband how you are feeling & communicate. Just by denying him sex is not going to solve the issues at hand. 
Best wishes - keep us posted


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

confusedandhurt said:


> i tthink i'm starting to lose it


Have you thought about counciling on a personal level?

draconis


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