# Did you marry young?



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

And do you regret it?

I married at just turned 22. In the 90's it was fairly unfashionable to marry young as simply living together had become completely acceptable. 

I remember being given a lot of flack from people, particularly in-laws saying we were 'too young'. 

22 years later we are still together though we have had our moments where we came close to separating (who hasn't?), but on the whole I am glad we married young.

My friend has told me that her son is getting married next year (age 22) and whereas I think its an exciting time for them she is very angry and is doing her best to try and stop the wedding plans because 'they are too young'. 

I think she should back off and leave them be....(and be really, really nice to the future DIL :smile2. What do you guys think of marrying young?


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

When we got married I was 26 and my wife was 22. We sure thought we were ready. But looking back the past 9 years since we got married, we both had a lot of growing up to do. Not to point fingers, but my wife was really not in a good place at that time. She was kind of directionless, didn't have any kind of career or goals in mind, she would just kind of bounce from one low paying job to another. A small reason why we got married when we did was just so that she could stop living in poverty. I was only 26, but I at least had my career somewhat underway making decent money, owned a house, was able to co-sign so she could buy a vehicle, etc. Looking back now, I realize that wasn't probably the right decision, and I'd probably be horrified if my son or daughter were in the same situation someday. I really think we would've benefitted from just dating for another year before getting engaged. It's hard when your girlfriend is struggling to pay rent and has her electric shut off, has a piece of crap vehicle than needs more work than it's even worth. At one point she fell and broke her leg (at work), and had to be on crutches for a month. She got fired because she couldn't ever come to work, and I ended up having to pay her rent because she was living paycheck to paycheck. Eventually, I said "**** it, just move in with me." Then we got engaged, got married, etc. 

Eventually, my wife decided she was ready to go to college and become and English teacher (an early attempt at college before we met ended after 1 semester because of financial difficulties, and after that she just started working jobs and eventually met me). Going to college was the best thing for her, it gave her the confidence and sense of purpose she was lacking in her life, and she only got better from there. I can honestly say now that I'm very happy to be with her, and we've built a great life and have a great family, but the road to this point was not easy.

My advice to anybody would be to not get married until you're 28, or maybe even 30. Get your **** together first. Become the person you want to be BEFORE you get married. Have as many experiences as you can while you're young and unattached. Find out who you are, what you like, what YOUR goals are, and go for it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I was 24. At the time I thought I was young, 25 years later I know I was young  But more seriously it wasn't so much I was young or not, I was inexperienced relationship wise. It took me probably 5 years to begin to "get" being a husband. Worked out OK.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When we married at barely 21, that was the norm for our time. And I knew a number of people our age who married two or three years before we did so, if anything, at the time I felt we were later than many. Looking back now, that was obviously much too young. I don't recommend it. For every young marriage that goes the distance to the natural end, very many more fail.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Married at 25, dating for 3 years before that. Totally in love and totally not prepared for what married life. I think it is a good idea to wait until one is older and has a sense of oneself and the expectations in marriage.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I did. I married 3.5 months after my 18th birthday. I married a man 10 years older than me, who, when I was 16 and we were dating, had been accused by almost everyone I knew (except my parents) of being a pedophile. 

Almost 6 years later, I regret nothing.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

My ex-wife and I were young at 18 & 19 years old respectively, yet we only got married because she was pregnant and I foolishly thought we could work it out as an alternative to her having an abortion. She then cheated on me around 11 months after we got married which saw me quickly end that relationship.

If I were to do it all over again knowing what I know after the fact, there is no way I would marry young.

For my second go round, my wife and I got married when we were close to 29 & 28 years old respectively. Which I think is a more practicable age to get married in modern Western society.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I was 26 and she was 21. We've been married for over 21 years now, so she has been married for over half of her life.  

We are still very much in love and happily married.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I was 22, she was 21. Not uncommon for the time period. 

T-44, M-42. It was 12 years before we had a child. We used that time to explore life, mature and bond together in the process. 

Worked for us... YMMV


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I married the first time in 1994. I was 19 and he was 21. Oddly, @peacem, no one said we were too young and most people I knew were first married somewhere between 18 and 25. Some people did just live together for a bit, but they lived together as a trial for marriage, not as an open-ended thing.

I met my exH at 16, started dating him casually, became pregnant (birth control pill fail) at 17, gave birth at 18, and married him at 19 to "do the right thing". I could write for days about how that marriage was a catastrophic fail. All of my peers who married young also divorced. There was a rash of marriages among my social group in a couple year span, then a rash of divorces about 6-8 years later.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Married at 21. Wife was 23 in the late 80's

We were together 25 years before she traded me in on an older man. As time went on I was compared more and more to the men in her peers marriages who were significantly older. They had more things, were more stable and less driven than me. I think in the end she felt that I would never offer the life she wanted. 
I have been with my current girlfriend who is 10 years younger for 3 years. Now I am the older man. She likes that I really give zero fcks about many things that I did 10 years ago. 

i did not think we were too young but I think I was too young for her.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

22&23 we were.

Just celebrated our 30th

Worked like a charm for us.

Neither of us was truly "settled" or had "found ourselves," but we were fully committed to our union and each other. We found growing together to be rewarding, satisfying, and most importantly, bonding.

I won't make any blanket statements about whether or not it's best to wait--that's entirely up to each individual and the couple they might form.

However, I have no reservation about recommending waiting until the union has established a track record of stability before having kids.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

30 years next Tuesday. We were both 21. All of our kids were born before we were 32. As a practical matter had we waited for marriage until we were 28 - 30 we would probably have married some one else, or not at all. Our kids would still be in public school. We probably wouldn't have had the health to have the youngest. I can't imagine having 10 more years to go before empty nest. Perhaps I'm just too greedy But life expectancy for Diabetics is about 70. So 10 less years of empty nest, that I could have spent waiting to get married. 

Honestly most men are no where near ready to live together with a woman at 22. I spent the years between 18 and 21 living with various male roommates. The experience taught me a lot about getting along with different people. It is much harder to get along when there is no emotional connection to soften things. 

A 28 year old who is still living in mom's basement, and is just starting his first "real job" would be much less ready for marriage than I was at 21. All I would have gained in the 7 years was money.


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## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

We married at 17 and 19...45 years ago.

I have absolutely no regrets in marrying that young. My parents were 14 and 17 when they married...they have been married 63 years.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hell, no I didn't marry young!

First marriage had me @ 35, wife 29. Lasted 12-1/2 years, with two boys.

Second marriage had me @ 52, RSXW @ 46. Lasted 7-1/2 years.

Wifely cheating ended them both!*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Met my wife on a train and three weeks later we were engaged. Married 8 months after that. We have been very happily married for 45 years. I was 21 and my wife was 20. We did not have a traditional marriage though, which we both say is the reason we never got divorced.  It was the second time I got engaged. I got engaged to my ex fiance when I was 18 and going off to war for a year. She cheated on me because she was looking for something that I could not give her, a vagina. She is married to a woman. My wife says that after sex with me, she turned gay.  So I was ready to settle down after I left the Army. I had a very good job that allowed me to buy a new house, the first of 9 homes we have both and sold. My wife was a virgin when we married and wanted to remedy that. She also lived at home with alcoholic parents and a dad who used to beat up his own kinds. He put two into the hospital. So she was ready to get married too. It all worked out and we have had a great life. We got to move whenever we were bored and indulged ourselves since we never had kids. Turns out we are both sterile so no resentment or regret from either of us. All of our friends who waited to get married are divorced.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hell no, I was not young. I was 40 (3 months off 41). My parents were young, 21 & 22, conversely neither set of grandparents were what would be considered young. Mum's parents were both 30 and dads were 26 & 28.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

1st husband and I met when we were 17 (few months age difference between us). We married at 23. Divorced pretty much immediately after 30. 

I remarried to Odo when I was 36 and he 51.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Really interesting responses thank you!

There are many reasons why I am glad we married young. Looking back we were fairly naive and immature and there was definitely an awkward stage at the beginning. However, I think marriage 'settled' me and helped me to grow up and learn coping skills for when things did not go right. i.e You can't just walk away from a marriage and mortgage because you have had a fight over something...you have to work it through and come up with strategies to compromise and respect each other (swallow your pride). Many of my friends were flitting from drama to drama, job to job, relationship to relationship, sofa surfing etc - where I had a sense of security which I think is what I needed. 

Being married young also meant we had a mortgage young. This has given us time to build up a large equity and hopefully a comfortable early retirement. 

We began our family 3 years after we married. This means at 44 our children are pretty much grown up whilst we are still young. If we are lucky enough to have grandchildren we will be young enough to fully enjoy them. 

Regrets would be....not moving further away from our home town (because we didn't have the confidence). Not knowing how to handle difficult in-laws, being in the mindset of respecting a friends parents. My BILs were in their 40's when they married into the family and they really know how to deal with battle-axe MIL. Where I was running around trying to make her accept me, they put their boundaries up and kept her at arms length. I regret not making a career for myself, mainly because I felt so secure and loved spending time at home with my husband - work was just an inconvenience. I definitely regret not having lots of sex before marriage because this has always been an issue with us. Getting married just to have sex is really a bad idea.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

26 and 27 after living together for 3 years, waited to have children. No contribution to success or failure. We were both working when we married fresh out of college, money was no issue, but we still did not do quite as well as I would have expected.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I married at 23, after dating her 2+ years. I don't think it was the age at which we married that was the problem, but an inadequate understanding of compatibility. Statistically, young marriages have a higher failure rate, but we both had compensating factors that mitigated that (statistically, anyway). It turned out to be a huge mistake, but we tried for 24 years to make it work. Stupid.

Second time got it right!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I was 24 and she was 20. After we married, it seemed like smooth sailing. Everything was great. We had kids later with no added stress;?we built a house with no issue. Nothing seemed to dampen our bliss. Then, after 18 years of marriage, she decided she wasn't happy anymore and got divorced.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Met at age 19, he is seven years older...had son at age 21, got married a few years after. HOnestly I wish I had not gotten so serious with someone so quickly but at the sametime I realize those were choices I made back then. Often wished I had travelled, explored the world more, dated more, etc. etc.

My inlaws did not have a lot of money and I look back and think about being 22 or 23 with a toddler and hardly no money and utility companies phoning us because FIL had skipped out on some place he was staying out and did not pay the power bill...I do not wish that on any young person...I should have been out having fun not dealing with that crap...now at age 49 I still wonder what might have been had I taken a different path.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree about living close to family. My family all live in South Carolina and my wife's family all live in California. My wife and I moved to Texas not long after getting married. Our children were born here and we raised them with no real outside influence. Yes, sometimes it would have been nice to have free babysitters, but I am very happy with how it has all turned out for us.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I was 20 and he was 24. He was my first everything, just the opposite for him, he had had enough of sleeping around. It should have been a disaster but after 12 years and a few rough spots, overall we have had and continue to have a loving and passionate relationship. The only thing I wish would have been different is I wish we had been able to have kids when we first starting trying. But it took 5 years, and then the floodgates open and we have 3 kids ages 10 months, 19 months and 3 years. We're 32 and 36 now so we're definitely going to have to stay in the gym to keep in shape for our grandkids!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We married in our early 20's but I met my husband at age 15... he was 18... like @peacem 's post... there was a sense of security there.. I loved having him in my life.. we were inseparable then, just wanting to be together... I know it's not the norm... but we still feel this way today...35 yrs later...

I am one of those who desired to marry young... start a family in our 20's, grow together share every memory.....it's not that my husband had the same dreams before we met.. I don't think guys are wired quite like that... but that all changed ....I remember thinking ...How in the world did I find someone like him.. it just all fell into place.. everything we talked about while dating... has come to pass.. it's been a wonderful life ....

We've had some struggles along the way.. near all of them have been "external" in nature.. like trying to conceive for over 6 yrs...he supported me through my moods, my worry, his sperm on demand, he was always my strong tower...or when we had the neighbors from hell living next door...when I had a sex drive increase & he couldn't keep up...some frustration there, I caused him performance pressure but like anything else.. we worked through it together...and boy was that a lot of FUN!

There are some things I would go back and change.. but never who I married or how young we were... I've always been thankful we met when we did...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marriage itself doesn't keep us committed to one another. But being committed does. That theory makes sense to me, if only me. We met young, lived together from age 18/19. We were there because we chose to be - not because we felt we had to be. 

I don't think there's any right or wrong with such things. It's just different experiences. 

I know at that age I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. It just so happened I fell in love and dug his company so much. And that was reciprocated. I do feel blessed that we met young though. Not because of age, but because I've had so much time on this planet sharing with this man. If I'd had more maturity, our relationship would have different stories, perhaps grown quicker... but that's the paradox... being in the relationship is part of what helped me to mature and grow; helped each other.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Married at 22, wife was 19, way too young. I really wish I waited or didn't marry at all.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I married at 26. We dated for 4 years beforehand and also lived together. I don’t ever remember anyone telling me that we were too young though. There have been times that I regretted it and have said that I wouldn’t do it again. I definitely think we weren’t emotionally mature enough and that played a part in how we handled conflict or rather, avoided conflict. It has gradually gotten better with time and experience. I still have a little bit of uncertainty on whether it works long term or not. I’m trying. He’s trying. We’re trying to make the best of this. It’s going good at the moment and that’s all I can ask for.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Got married at 23 (almost 24). My W was same age. Not a single regret. Keep in mind though, we had been together since the end of Freshman year in college, so we had been a couple for nearly 6 years prior to marriage. That to me is more important, and we both knew exactly the person we were marrying.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

My wife and I were both 22. 9 years ago. We are now both 31. I was(still am) in the army, combat arms. She had sworn she would never date a military man again. The last one beat her hard enough to shatter bones in her face. 

Neither of us regret getting married so young.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> We dated for 4 years beforehand





EllisRedding said:


> we had been a couple for nearly 6 years prior to marriage


Forget actual age, this reminded me we decided to get married after dating for only about 6 months,  It worked out, and I'd like to think "we knew", but wow, that could have gone very wrong.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Forget actual age, this reminded me we decided to get married after dating for only about 6 months,  It worked out, and I'd like to think "we knew", but wow, that could have gone very wrong.


6 months is a very short time! Did you live together at all beforehand? I pretty much insisted that we live together. That, to me, helped determine our compatibility.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> 6 months is a very short time! Did you live together at all beforehand? I pretty much insisted that we live together. That, to me, helped determine our compatibility.


Ya know, now that I think of it, my W and I didn't really live with each per se prior to marriage. When we were dating in college we did sort of live with each other for a time. After college we lived in different states so never lived together then. In my mind, I wasn't going to ask her to pick up and move from where she had been living her whole life without there being a commitment behind it. Glad it worked out


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> 6 months is a very short time! Did you live together at all beforehand? I pretty much insisted that we live together. That, to me, helped determine our compatibility.


We always had separate places but I kinda slowly, bit by bit, moved in.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I had a friend named T, a Vietnam vet, who met, proposed to, and married his wife in a proper Church (Catholic) wedding all within 6 months. They were in their very early 20's. They raised four children, had a few grandkids, and remained married until death did part them.

T's daughters are S and C.

S, the eldest daughter, became engaged to her best friends brother after less than a year knowing him. She was in her early 20's, iirc she was 21 or 22. They now have 9 children, have survived the loss of their 10th child, and are happily married nearly 18 years later.

C, the youngest daughter and 19 or 20 at the time, started a correspondence with S's husbands cousin, who was in the military living in Alaska. After a few months emailing and occasionally calling each other, she flew to Alaska to meet him. While she was there they decided to marry. They've got two kids and have been married for around 16 years now.

It's like their family has genetically inherited perfect mate pickers or something.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I met my wife on Yahoo Personals. I got drunk with a buddy who just went through a breakup and we both decided to make profiles and send out some messages. Then we left the next day for training for a month and a half. 

I came back and saw a response. Messaged her back and we met for coffee after a few exchanges. Then out to the field I went for several months of more training, no contact with the outside world. I came back and we went on four more dates. Then I married her. 

Five dates, constricted down to a few weeks. 

Funny thing is that we both knew that we didn't really like each other much. Not compatible sexually, nor did we have much in common. Took us two years to figure out how to fall in love. 

Absolutely no regrets.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

We were about 24 when we married but we met at 17. I don't think marriage as the issue so much as when you are in a committed relationship. 

I recommend waiting longer than I did for that.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Married at me 22 H 27. Been married for 33 years in December.
Had all 4 sons by the time I was 29.
Marriage has been a roller coaster ride of Love, resentment, bitterness and incompatibility.
Why have we stayed together.....kids, habit, fear of the future, better the devil you do know than the devil you don't.
There have been some great times.....but unfortunately the not so great have impacted all of us, kids included.

My advice to my boys has been......" The best thing you can do for you future children is to make sure you pick the right spouse"
"Marry for love but you damned well better make sure that compatibility trumps love" .... because when the dust settles " Love does not conquer all"


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> Forget actual age, this reminded me we decided to get married after dating for only about 6 months,  It worked out, and I'd like to think "we knew", but wow, that could have gone very wrong.




We knew at 6 months we wanted to move in together. We were guided to consider saving, slowing down... we listened to the advice for a few months, at least. 6 months later we were living together. When we were approved for the place, we realized we didn't have our own plates, towels, the usual basics of daily living. We hit the shops in one afternoon and loaded up with inexpensive but workable basics to get started. And second-hand furniture shop.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I am surprised by all the success stories!

Met my ex wife when I was just 19 and her almost 17. Dated for 6+ years, then married. We only moved in with each other a month before the wedding.

Things went downhill almost immediately. I tried to make it work, she never really did. Married for just over 7 years before she found somebody else.

My mistake wasn't getting married young, it was not living with her before we did. Even though we spent every waking moment with each other prior to marriage (we only went home to sleep), it was not like actually sharing a home with someone. Lesson learned.

This time around, my wife and I moved in with one another about 3 years after we started dating, and married 2 years after that.

My ex wife was immature, and I wasn't. I didn't see that until we lived together, and as I said, that took 6 years.

Ironically, the guy she left me for was in another country, and they had really only dated (in person...) for a few months before she packed up and moved there to be with him. AFAIK they're still together some 9 years later.


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## Penny905 (Mar 28, 2014)

Together since I was 16 he was 17. Got married 4 1/2 years later when we were both 21. Got a house a year later. Our first child arrived when we were in our house 2years. We have had a lot of good times and bad. Our bad never consisted of any type of abuse or infidelity, it was mainly outside sources and stress. We had 2 biological children. A few years after our second was born we took in my sisters 2 boys and raised them. Baby born addicted to cocaine is now 18. A couple years later we took in his sister's son and raised him. She passed away of an auto-immune disease and father was abusing and neglecting him. 9 years ago I lost both of my siblings a year apart due to drugs. I think the past 2 years, have been the worst. Almost 2 years ago our oldest was in a horrific accident and is still recovering. Last year his mom got very ill and we took care of her, she came to our home on hospice and passed right after the new year. Our great-nephew (like grandson) passed away of SIDS last month at 4 1/2 months. I have questioned myself many times, but we ALWAYS treat each other with respect. We will be married 30 years in a couple of weeks.

All that being said, I can't even imagine my 21yo getting married.....


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