# Caught my wife cheating me on Valentines day.



## Laryking (Feb 19, 2012)

I am not from English speaking country and my apology for any grammar mistakes. 

I have been in a happy marriage with my loving wife for more than 10 years. We have two beautiful children, and my wife has been always my best friend. On Valentines day , late night before I go to bed, I wanted to shutdown the PC which my wife was using. Her e-mail was still opened, as it most of the time happens. But this time one e-mail address and subject caught my eyes. I opened one which was already read by my wife and couldn't believe my eyes that she is in a deep affair with some one whom I also know . I read lots of e-mails b/n them while shivering out of a shock. Then on the next tab the facebook was opened and saw all private messages b/n my wife and the man. Very hard to believe to see her saying to him all those sweet words I always hear from her. He is not living in the same country where we are , therefore she was arranging time and reasons to go and meet him for next month. I forwarded some of the e-mails and messages from the FB to my e-mail address, then by 3 AM wanted to go out from my house leaving the PC running but turning off the monitor. She woke up and asked me where I was going. This time I took off my wedding ring and in front of her I flashed it to the toilet and left the house.

While she was at work, I came home In the afternoon and saw that the facebook page is still running. They have been talking since morning, telling him that I read her e-mails. Both sounded very shocked and he was advising her to change the password of her e-mail and deactivate the FB account...

She was asking him how then they would continue to communicate. Then they have agreed to communicate with text or office e-mail.

The following morning I confronted her that she is in love with somebody but she tried to deny until I saw her some of the e-mails I forwarded to my e-mail address. She said it' just fantasy, I am not in love with him. I did this b/se you don't give me enough attention. That is it. 

Since this is her second time trying to cheat on me, I told her that we need to separate now. Even though I love her, it is very shocking to see her cheating on me . I am responsible, loving and caring person for my family. We both are working with decent income. 

She ,without telling the detail, said she will stop the affair and would like to continue our marriage by saying simply sorry which sounds like a casual sorry word when one pushes a person inside a crowded elevator. 

For me, those last six days were very painful and can not stop thinking about it for a minute. I may post some of the contents of those e-mails of Valentines day. Kisses ...closing eyes....b/n them.

I have already lost trust on her and I don't think I can live with a cheater the same life I used to live . I also don't believe she will stop this behavior therefore I am now seriously considering divorce. Even though we are still in the same house, she text me inviting for a talk, but I am refusing until I make up my mind. One thing for sure , in these recent days I noticed lots of changes in her character specially lack of respect for me. Now I know for sure it's because of her new affair.
I don't want to continue living with this woman who doesn't have respect for me just for the sake of my children. She is bi-polar and being treated and in stable condition for the last two years. I hope I will have full custody of my children if I go for divorce.

I haven't exposed this to any one so far. Just fearing the pain of divorcee shouldn't stop me from taking off a cheater wife from my life. I need your advises please.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

So sad to hear you are going through this. It is such a shock to the heart. My beloved also lies right to my face and acts like it was all an innocent misunderstanding or something.

They don't know that your heart is caved in, they think you can just move on and start again.....

Who cares if "nothing happened" -- it would have if you would not have found out! And who knows? There are so many lies who knows what is real?

Just try not to make any decisions without a clear mind. This is so hard for me to do, but I know it is the right thing if it can be done.

And start taking care of yourself. This won't last forever, even if it seems that way. It's best that you know the truth now (a truth she has known all along). Peace to you.


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## Laryking (Feb 19, 2012)

Thank you LWC. Yes she thinks that I just move on and start again. After controlling my emotions , I was driving to work together with her as we have only one car to drop the kids to school and then we go to work. She was talking to me as if nothing has happened. She sends e-mail from her office asking me to go for lunch which I refused telling her I am not yet comfortable to go out for lunch with her. Thanks again, I have to take care of myself for me and for my children as specially she is bi-polar, any thing can happen.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

this is one thing that is a deal breaker for me.
i will never try and work things out after an affair.
my exw cheated on me several times over a 14 year period.
every time i heard the same things from her how she would not do it again.
i gave her every chance.
it never stopped, up until the day i walked out for good.

i guess a few people have made things work out after an affair.
i will never give that chance again.

since she has done this before and got caught, i dont see it stopping.

good luck to you in whatever you decide.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If the the other man is married or has a girlfriend then expose it to her. She diserves to know, just don't tell your wife your doing this. In fact start exposing this affair to her family. Then you will see how sorry she really is. 

Start exposing the affair, your wife will get mad and it will make it easier for you to distance your self. Right now she is sorry that you caught her and is managing you so that you keep her little secret. Once you bring this affair out in the open you will be left alone...she will be so mad that she won't confuse the issue and will show you what she really is. As long as you keep silent, she will do what it takes to "make it work"

I hope this makes sence b/c right now she is doing damage control and as long as she still believe she has her doormat of a husband she will tell you anything.

So please pull this affair out of the darkness and then you will see how sorry your wife really is.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce her. Through her blatant disregard for your feelings she has shown that she has no love or regard for you. You are her meal ticket, nothing more. The affair is still going on, they have just found a different method to communicate with each other.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

install a keylogger in your home PC immediately


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> install a keylogger in your home PC immediately


with the e-mails and fb chats, he already has 10x the info i would need to make an informed decision.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She is a serial cheater whom you'll never be able to trust. Without trust, there can be no marriage.


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## Laryking (Feb 19, 2012)

Since they have agreed to communicate using her office e-mail, I don't need to have keylogger at home PC. I have contacted her affair and he said he is deeply sorry and that he is out of my life. He sounds genuine. She stayed most of the time in this weekend at home without touching a PC, but this won't last and I have a feeling she will continue either with him or with anther I don't know. Since I have access to her office I can walk in to her office without telling her and may ask her to show me her e-mail and I may know if they are still communicating or not, good idea ?

She said she would prefer living together with me selflessly for the sake of our children. But if I decided to separate, she asked me not to expose this affair to her family. I already told my daughter and she cried a river and begged me to forgive my wife and live together, my heart was bleeding. The news will be devastating to her family as they know her mental health problem (bi-polar) and how I am taking care of her. She very well know that if we separate her life would be in danger b/se of this sickness. But, since she is I think blindly in love with her affair , she really doesn't look that she felt that bad. 

For now, I really can not expose this to every one as she is sick person and may go back to depression to extent of commuting suicide, which I don't want it to happen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't feel like my wife is paying enough attention to me. Can I go cheat now? I mean seriously, doesn't matter that she works too, helps cook, clean, helps with the laundry, helps with the kids, etc. But I'm not getting enough attention. I need her to wait on me hand and foot and constantly tell me how good looking and attractive I am. That's not even mentioning the sex. I'm not getting it enough to satisfy my needs. Maybe I should go cheat too.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

"My husband doesn't pay attention to me, I think I'll have sex with another man and then blackmail my husband in to staying with me by threatening to go off my meds and committ suicide."

Blah blah blah.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Laryking said:


> Since they have agreed to communicate using her office e-mail, I don't need to have keylogger at home PC. I have contacted her affair and he said he is deeply sorry and that he is out of my life. He sounds genuine. She stayed most of the time in this weekend at home without touching a PC, but this won't last and I have a feeling she will continue either with him or with anther I don't know. Since I have access to her office I can walk in to her office without telling her and may ask her to show me her e-mail and I may know if they are still communicating or not, good idea ?
> 
> She said she would prefer living together with me selflessly for the sake of our children. But if I decided to separate, she asked me not to expose this affair to her family. I already told my daughter and she cried a river and begged me to forgive my wife and live together, my heart was bleeding. The news will be devastating to her family as they know her mental health problem (bi-polar) and how I am taking care of her. She very well know that if we separate her life would be in danger b/se of this sickness. But, since she is I think blindly in love with her affair , she really doesn't look that she felt that bad.
> 
> For now, I really can not expose this to every one as she is sick person and may go back to depression to extent of commuting suicide, which I don't want it to happen.


And if she continues to carry on an affair what kind of role model is that for your children? If you allow her to continue to cheat on you what are you telling your children? If she does not face the consequences of her affair what message does that send to your children? She doesn't want you to tell her family because it will embarrass her. I think she already sacrificed that privilege when she had sex with another man. It sounds like her family would be able to influence her behavior. Expose it to them now. Maybe they can snap her out of her affair fog.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She is and you are sweeping this under the carpet. This will for sure happen again b/c she is not going to own her sh!t and I may not understand BPD I do know that lessons aren't learne with out consequences. 
Sorry man but you have to show her that there are consequences in life and and if she need to be put on suicide watch for making these kinds of threats, well then welcome to the ward.

Bottom line is cheating is addictive. She will do it again so please prepare your self. Even if she faced the consequences, you still may have a better chance of not having a repeat offender.

If it was me I would clearly tell her what your new boundries are and write them down..... a prenup if you will that she could sign. Granted it won't be a legal document . but a statement that you have had enough and this is the line that she can choose to stay behind or cross and lose you for ever.


Sure a prenup won't mean much to her but at the end of the day when you deside to walk away from your marriage, you can look at this piece of paper and say to your self that you couldn't have made it any clearer for her, when you are packing her things up and changing the locks.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two totally different animals. You should always strive to forgive - exorcise anger and bitterness from your heart and soul - so you can move on with your life. But as far as reconciliation is concerned after a second betrayal? That is simply unhealthy and unacceptably forced to endure being in a one sided open marriage.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

If you are not giving her enough attention she should have communicated it to you and not go about cheating.......you'll never be truly happy in this marriage. How old are your kids?


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## justausername (May 11, 2011)

Thewife said:


> If you are not giving her enough attention she should have communicated it to you and not go about cheating.......you'll never be truly happy in this marriage. How old are your kids?


Respectfully, I'll guess that the "not enough attention" is her lame excuse.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Laryking said:


> Since this is her second time trying to cheat on me


This is the second time that you have caught her, but she has probably been cheating regularly.



Laryking said:


> I already told my daughter and she cried a river and begged me to forgive my wife and live together, my heart was bleeding.


Cheating is terrible on the whole family. Of course your daughter wants you family to stay together, but remember, it is your wife who has made the decision to divide the family. You lost her when she had sex with another man.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Since they have agreed to communicate using her office e-mail, I don't need to have keylogger at home PC. I have contacted her affair and he said he is deeply sorry and that he is out of my life. He sounds genuine. She stayed most of the time in this weekend at home without touching a PC, but this won't last and I have a feeling she will continue either with him or with anther I don't know. Since I have access to her office I can walk in to her office without telling her and may ask her to show me her e-mail and I may know if they are still communicating or not, good idea ?


She can delete mails immediately after reading them. 




> She said she would prefer living together with me selflessly for the sake of our children.


nothing that says she loves you



> But if I decided to separate, she asked me not to expose this affair to her family.


ok, she is worried about her image, that explains her selfless sacrifice. threatens you with suicide.

Call the affair guy and tell him that he can take of your suicidal wife and that you are dumping her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

This is the second time she has been caught cheating. She was making plans to meet Affair Partner #2 when she was caught. She is a serial cheater. Addicted to the feeling of being pursued by men other than her husband. She is not remorseful, she does not care about the pain she is causing you and the kids. Her only concern is that you do not tell her family why you want to separate.

She does not deserve another chance. Divorce her. Tell her you will not lie to protect her adultery and will tell the truth if asked.

They have already worked out a secret method to communicate. Other man lied to you as well when he said he would be out of her life. But you already know what you need to know - she has no respect for you or the marriage and can not be trusted. Her medical problems are not to blame for her cheating. Now that she has cheated twice you should not feel guilty about showing her the door.

She is trying to calm you down now. Trying to get back the stable home life then continue her affair(s). Don't fall for it. 

She offered to stay in your house for the sake of the kids - but she has not offered to stop having affairs. Your kids will be much better off with a divorced father who is secure, happy and fun to be around. Not sure how old your kids are, but do you want to teach them they can be this heartless, lying, betraying, self-centered person and not expect to have consequences for their own actions?


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## Laryking (Feb 19, 2012)

I have to put some facts. First since I am new to this forum, I don't know those abbreviations like OP, BPD, EA... 
Her first affair (emotional affair) was with a married man six years ago. She started that affair during her unstable condition of her health (bi-polar mood swing). They were writing each other until one morning his wife called her while we both are at home. She yelled at my wife to get out of her life. Then I took away the phone and talk to his wife and him. I met his wife and she told me that her husband takes my wife as his soul mate. .... They were exposed in the beginning of the affair and didn't have sex and it was stopped there. Considering her sickness, I forgave her and she continued treatment and became very stable in the last two years.

The second one is a much younger to her and single. He said their 95% of affair is on facebook. Since they are living in different countries, they didn’t have a chance to have sex, but as I said earlier she was arranging time to see him. If they were not caught, it would be inevitable that they would have sex. He also said, " she loves her children and her husband more than any thing on earth and you should know this." She also said during confrontation that she loves me 100%. Can I believe this ? Me and her very often communicate by email during office hours and her sentences always end up with love you phrase, but recently I don't see "love you" as often as it used to be before.

Her family are very conservative and don't influence her in any way to cheat. Solely it is her decision. 

On the other hand, She is known for talking how good husband she has. We are working in the same building complex and she always want us to be seen together, to kiss her in public, she doesn't allow me to go for coffee or lunch with any female colleagues at work. Was this all just drama of 10plus years? But that always makes me to believe her that she is only mine. From her action and as she is considered as loving wife , I tell you no one would believe me that she is a cheater. 


My kids are Seven and ten years old, and when I am thinking of separating from their mother, my heart is broken. They are my life and I really don't want them to see suffering from this. I want only me to suffer not those innocent creatures. They are the ones who are making me a bit weak to take swift action to tell her to go. I also need one year to clear out financial commitment and arrangements since I hope that I will have full custody of the kids, therefore I can not just tell her to go right now. I think many of are saying sooner or later she has to go.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are in a fog yourself. You are giving her a pass on cheating on you twice because of her BPD. You are blaming the disease. That is BS. She is doing it because she enjoys it - plain and simple. The only reason she has not had sex with another man is that she was caught early in the first affair and the second guy was not local (but she was trying to find a way to get together with him).

Start protecting your finances. Establish a Trust and start funding it a little each month. She will do this again and if the guy is local she will jump in the sack with him. If you stay with her - it will happen - 1, 5, 10 years from now - but it will happen.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

OneMan said:


> She's not in some fog nor is her family influencing her. She made the choice to cheat on her own and she continues to do it on her own free will.
> 
> Question is, how long will OP put up with someone who doesn't care about him?


I agree with you...once you *MIGHT* forgive, twice you dump her. However the OP has pretty much said he doesn't want to divorce her. In that case the only hope he has is that the influence of her family will stop her from cheating on him. If she knows that there are many watching her behavior the likelihood of her having a secret affair is less.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Dude she is not worth it...she is not the woman you think she is. 

Drop her like a hot rock. She did this twice. She's a repeat offender. Kick her out of your house, send her to her parents with a nice email explaining why she is coming home to live with them... Sounds harsh, and it is, but she deserves it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Any new info?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You already know the real first thing she did upon discovery is to find a way to carry on the affair and how to lie to you.

So you know that they are. Still talking and therefor the affair is still strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> On the other hand, She is known for talking how good husband she has. We are working in the same building complex and she always want us to be seen together, to kiss her in public, she doesn't allow me to go for coffee or lunch with any female colleagues at work. Was this all just drama of 10plus years? But that always makes me to believe her that she is only mine.


That and cheating twice don't sit well.something seems off. I think there are more secrets.


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## Laryking (Feb 19, 2012)

Warlock07: There is no secret. She always likes me even at home to hug her, massage her head, thigh etc . She needs very much attention more than one can imagine. She wants to hear I love you, love you again and again. Probably her affair is calling her baby , my love, millions times a day ? 
During our second talk, she was denying this is her first and should not be considered as second because the previous was not an affair. Then as sricky990 said I told her this will be her last chance. But the next days I couldn't take it away from my mind while she is taking it easy. I rather stopped talking to her now even though she was texting me like : "Are you enjoying your evening alone ?" on the evening where we used to go together. " How many times should I forgive ? 49x7 a day ", "Aren't you ready for a talk ?" like that. But I don't see any regret on her face and even from her voice. She does not understand how deeply I was hurt.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She feels no remorse.

She is still playing you.

She is continuing the affair.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What I can't understand about "serial cheaters" and their victims is that if they know why they feel compelled to cheat, why doesn't the cheater just say why they are doing it? And the victim? If he or she is unable to provide the solution, why stay in the relationship if they know things won't get any better?
Anybody who thinks that staying in the relationship to be the other spouse's doormat is preferable to leaving it and moving, is delusional.
You really aren't Living" until you get rid of the excess baggage that has made your life miserable.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pack her bags and have them waiting for the door when she gets home. Tell her you are not going to live in a three-person marriage and that if she wants the other man she can go and ask him if he'll take her in. 

Oh, and if she brings up that "forgive 7x49" Bible malarky, why not aske her to pull her Bible out and read the story about Hosea and his wh0re wife. That'll shut down her preachafying. 

Man you married a real piece of work. Don't give an inch to this harpie or she'll continue exploiting your good nature.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

EXPOSE already and divorce her. she is still in the affair and playing you.

hire a PI and find all the details of the OM and expose him too.

until you are ready to stand up to her lies and games you will just be digging yourself deeper into emotional agony.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think there is some hope t0 the marriage. Have you considered counselling?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

No Remorse = No Reconciliation

If you think kicking your wife out is the worst thing that could happen wait until you are dealing with her fourth or fifth or tenth affair. 

Tell her family immediately. Shut her games down everywhere you can especially at work.


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## Laryking (Feb 19, 2012)

Thank you all for your supportive ideas.

I talked to one of her girl friends to whom she also already talked to immediately after I found out her secret. As her friend said, she was told the whole story as just Facebook affair. This lady seems understood me as she already knew about the first affair six years ago.

I sent the story to the second friend of hers by e-mail as I know her as a matured family person. Her response was as below. I leave it for your judgment.

Dear ....
I am touched deeply by your message. Please know that I am sure that she loves you beyond everything. I can imagine that the weeks and months worrying about her dad's and the deep grief resulting from her grand mother( who raised her) illness and then death have made her not only incredibly sad, but also in great need to extra love and understanding. This is totally understandable. These months are a time during which anyone would need extra attention and demonstrations of love. Thus, email exchanges with another may have helped her very heavy heart to regain a semblance of well-being. 

Obviously, though, the only way you can find our about the real situation and - most importantly - her thoughts and feelings on this matter, are by talking together with her and having both of you give each other the respect you both need. I know that the love you two share is great and deep and it would be a irreversible shame to jeopardize it due to misunderstandings. Especially without giving yourselves a chance to talk and work out the differences. You have both of your lives and - very importantly - those of your children to consider. Contemplation of separation or even divorce does not solve the problem. PLEASE, PLEASE do talk with her and realize how much you mean to her and the whole family.

I believe it is very important for you and her to TALK TOGETHER - in a kind and respectful way - before this issue becomes even more serious. So, PLEASE do your best to be there for a good and long talk with her. I am sure - if this is done now - instead of communicating with others - many of them on the Internet, who are strangers - and family about the situation, GIVE YOURSELF and HER the time together first to solve this problem. I really believe you owe it to yourselves, your children and your families.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Laryking--what do you want? 

Figure that out and work from there.

Like you, Valentines day was the day I discovered my exH's dirt. I sympathize.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So her friends are telling you to talk to her and turn a blind eye - to ignore what she said and wrote and how she set up a secondary channel to continue the affair.

Take her to a polygraph test and see how she does proving her fidelity with it - then begin thinking about what you're going to do, but right now you don't have the truth from her, and the friends advice will do nothing but enable her to run sweep and continue the affair.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What has she done lately to prove to you that you can trust her?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Larry, 
You said it yourself.. She needs to constantly hear "I love you, I need you, baby, I need you". This is a person who needs constant reassurance and no matter how much you do for her, love her and turn your life into pleasing her it's never going to be enough. When she needs more, she is going to go looking for it and it's not going to be from you. She will do this again, mark my words. So the question is, is this what you want. I don't think so, or else you wouldn't be here looking for help...

Her friends email is all wrong.. This person has probably never dealt with this. Her heart is in the right place but you are getting bum advice from her. 

From where I stand, you have an easy choice to make. The hard part is having the stones to do it. Can you look yourself in the mirror and respect yourself as a man if you give her a pass on this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It doesn't hurt to talk with her. Trust but verify. Put the keylogger on your computer. She can still access her office email at home when you are not around. Just never give up your sources of information. If you can afford it use a private investigator. If you need instructions of what a wayward wife needs to do let me know.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

And tell her if you have to separate or divorce, you will let the whole universe know what she has done.


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