# wants a second chance



## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 20 years, were married 11 years ago, and have been separated for 5 years now. We have a 13-year old daughter.

We got married because we hoped it would save our relationship. Early on, I found him cold and neglectful, and he got very resentful because I lost interest in sex. We were very different in most everything, from how we liked to spend our free time to how we dealt with conflicts. He was one of the most unresponsive people I'd ever met. But we had both had very unhappy childhoods, we were both afraid to be alone, and although we don't live or sleep together any more, we've been afraid to move on and that's why we haven't divorced yet (at least that's what I think). I definitely was always afraid to face life without him in it somehow, and I know that this is unhealthy.

A few weeks ago he came over and told me that he wanted a divorce and that he had met someone serious. He asked me how I felt and I didn't know what to say, so I just said "if that's what you want." He asked again, "will you please tell me how you feel?" And I just couldn't because I really didn't know how I felt other than vaguely insecure. He then took our daughter out for lunch and forgot his jacket. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I went through his pockets and found his phone. What I read there absolutely floored me. It was a man I'd never known before... he wrote her passionate little notes and sent her poems, lovely sonnets and ballades. I tried looking up the poems on Google later and was floored again as I realised that he had written these beautiful, intricate things himself. All I could do was hate him for withholding this from me, for somehow finding me unworthy of his romantic side, for being dishonest about who he really was, but I didn't tell him because I was too ashamed of violating his privacy in this way.

Next time we met, he told me that he was sorry if I felt pressured, but that we needed to move on. He also said that he didn't blame me, but that my reluctance to tell him how I felt about the divorce was a good example of why it never worked out for us... that he never knew me, that I never shared what I was feeling inside or anything about my life. He finally told me about a very painful, traumatic event from my childhood that he had heard about from a friend of mine, and asked, "do you understand what it means to have to hear that from someone else? You never, ever opened up to me. So please don't try to place all the blame on me." And I started crying inside because I suddenly realised how I'd blown it. I had wanted a "husband" - a humorous companion, a supporter, a blues-chaser, someone clearly "significant" in my life but I hadn't wanted him as a best friend and confidant. I had wanted to hold him at arm's length.

I now want to start anew and make amends, to be his soul-mate and really fall in love with him this time, to learn how to communicate and make our family whole. But he is now in a relationship. Some of my friends say that I would still be within my rights if I try for him, because we're still legally married, but some say that it would be an ugly thing to do to the woman who did understand him and I should now accept it, live and learn. I know that he still has a certain amount of "comfort zone" with me and this is what I would be using, so I also feel icky about that because it's not healthy. But I don't think that I have any other chance.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It is time to move on. He has. The messages were not for you.

Let him go, and heal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, let him go. Use this knowledge to grow. Find someone else who you can start with new and be open with. There are so many good men out there looking for good women.

Your breakup is not all your fault. It was unkind of him to try to put all the blame on you, over one incident. He too apparently help back part of himself. You saw that in his messages. Just think of how different you might have been had he started your relationship with those beautiful poems, all that feeling.

I think that what has happened to him is that he has now grown enough to open up that part of him. He was holding back with you as well. In every relationship it takes two... he's not off the hook. Right now you are taking the major part of the blame. Don't do that.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think he was trying to get you to accept the blame so he would feel better about moving on with his current g/f. if you take all the blame then he doesnt have to accept any.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

I am sorry if I gave the impression that he was dumping everything on me. He has never denied his part in the breakdown of our relationship. But it is only lately that I have realised how much I always pushed him away when he wanted to be close. So I also have to blame myself for not trying to connect with his intimate side. I wanted him to make overtures but never tried to make any to him.

Sometimes I think that if I can't get him back, the only alternative would be to cut off contact. This would be hard for our daughter but my heart is truly breaking.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

susan71 said:


> I am sorry if I gave the impression that he was dumping everything on me. He has never denied his part in the breakdown of our relationship. But it is only lately that I have realised how much I always pushed him away when he wanted to be close. So I also have to blame myself for not trying to connect with his intimate side. I wanted him to make overtures but never tried to make any to him.
> 
> Sometimes I think that if I can't get him back, the only alternative would be to cut off contact. This would be hard for our daughter but my heart is truly breaking.


if there is no chance of getting back together your best thing would be to break all contact but on the other hand, you cannot keep him away from your daughter.
that wouldnt be good for her or right to him. it would just be wrong of you.
good luck susan71


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

he would still see her, I would just have to make some arrangement such as dropping her off with friends or relatives where he could pick her up. Even if we did not have joint custody, I would never think of cutting him off from her.

Thank you for your wishes... its a very trying time. Even if I get over him enough to meet someone new, I'm afraid that I will always be comparing and dissatisfied.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

susan71 said:


> he would still see her, I would just have to make some arrangement such as dropping her off with friends or relatives where he could pick her up. Even if we did not have joint custody, I would never think of cutting him off from her.
> 
> Thank you for your wishes... its a very trying time. Even if I get over him enough to meet someone new, I'm afraid that I will always be comparing and dissatisfied.


well thats good.

the second part is true too i think.
i think that is what im doing too. its a terrible thing, but what can you do?
im learning you cant dwell once you figure out the relationship is dead.


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