# Moving to fast emotionally?



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Is there such a thing as moving to fast emotionally? I know I should be keeping all my post under one thread so people can read whats going on.

I thought I was doing pretty good for almost a week. I had few trigger moments, and I was able to throw some depressing and horrible thoughts out of my head fast. but this last week I have been just stupid bad at it. I have cried, felt like an asshat, been way to angry for myself to feel comfortable with (family has some anger problems, with me being the only one to ever control it), depressed, and without even thinking have thrown comments towards DW that are not helping one bit. I have not gone more then 2 or 3 hours with out thinking about going up to the OP and decking him, or calling all the friends to do it for me. I have had so many doubts as of late it worries me. I know I have not posted in a while, but that is because I thought I was doing alright. I mean, how (or even should I) slow things down? 
An example would be, I lost my wedding ring about a month before the Affair, and she asked if I wanted to replace it. I said sure, but as we went to the jewelry section I said, "Lets not look, I don't think I am ready", then when we got home I thought, "well maybe I should". so when looking online, she found one she really liked but a tad pricey. So I told her, "I don't want to spend a lot of money on it in case things don't work out"....I know that is not the type of things to say, but I can't seem to help it at times right now.

My DW has hit rock bottom twice now. I really feel remorse, regret, shame, and all that. The fog is 100% gone. She admitted that our marriage was no were near bad enough to do what she did, and that she was just being a selfish ***** thinking of "me, me, me", that she needs help (IMO, her family background is not helping her, Dad and Mom always either divorced or cheated when there relationships got bad....always), and wants me to help her. She said she hates that I always double think about touching her, that I am not (as friends put it) jolly anymore, and that I always look like someone killed my dog. 

I know this post was long, sorry about that. I only get small chances to truly be alone (with no kids or wife) to post so I want to get it all out there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hang in there, you are not alone and I wish I could give some great advise on this crap but i can't. I go thourgh and push the bad thoughts out just like you. I say these snide remarks just like you. I have anger just like you.

I can tell you as long as you keep tring and put forth the effort it will get easier but they will not go away. I depend alot on my wife, she is so understanding that her mistake has changed me for ever, how ever I never use that as an excuss to act angry or treat her lit sh*t. Ive done enough of that to last a life time.
So stay strong, sh*t happens and stay positive that some one loves you and look forward to better time. PTS is a tough pill to swollow so yes you will be fighting and you will have these emotions. I except them and sometimes I just say"what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"
What are we to do curl up and die? No we cut through the jungle of life and hope for the best...happiness


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Wayne!!!

You need to change your mental state on a more long term basis. Ya can't look at everything as a chance to achieve temporary happiness, You need to make those things little steps in a collectively happier life brother!! And that has nothing to do with your marriage, just you. 

You can not keep tossing those thoughts aside man, they have to pile up somewhere... right? So refocus your attention to positive stuff. If you read my posts you know what comes next... Tony Robbins man.. get some of his stuff and listen to it.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

The Guy-Yep, Its the one reason I come to the site on a daily bases. Just to read up on every one else and remember there are others. I probably read 1000% times more then I post. It helps reading the advice others get so I don't have to re-ask.

twotimeloser- I thought about something like Tony Robbins. I was going to wait till we start MC and IC before I did that. I know I am need to read "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Glover. I am way to nice, my wife has told me that for years, but I never really noticed until this **** hit. So that is one thing I need to work on. Also, I am confused by what you mean as "temporary happiness, you need to make those things little steps in a collectively happier life". Do you mean just try to thing forward instead of now? or am I missing it? I read most of your posts already BTW.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Bigwayneo said:


> Also, I am confused by what you mean as "temporary happiness, you need to make those things little steps in a collectively happier life". Do you mean just try to thing forward instead of now? or am I missing it? I read most of your posts already BTW.


I am speaking about the problem in using those moments of success and small victories as bandaids that get you through until the next small victory. That is not consistant enough to invoke true internal change.

For some effective changes to take place inside of you, set your goals higher. 

This is about your whole perspective on life and relationships. How you view yourself. It is about taking all the good things that you know are on the inside and putting them on the outside. 

People always find what they are looking for, You need to change your focus from looking for what is wrong with you, to what is great about you. 

It gets difficult to do after an affair, I know Wayne... After all, we were CERTAIN that this would never happen to us, if we can not be certain about that, what the heck can we be certain about? It kills our ability to be decisive. This is why it is so important to change your mental state. 

Take a good look in the mirror, Wayne. You are a good guy, a guy who has something to offer the world. There are far worse people out there, and There is nothing that you can not achieve. I know it, why dont you? 

If you think i am completely crazy, and never heed a word I say, just remember this... 

*Your happiness is not an issue of ability, it is an issue of motivation.* 

If i gave you $10,000,000 you would be motivated to find happiness. Now go out there and do it for free. Do it for Wayne.

-You got this dude.. Change your state.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Bigwayneo said:


> I am way to nice, my wife has told me that for years, but I never really noticed until this **** hit. So that is one thing I need to work on.


Too nice? Does that give her free reign to do something like this? I don't get that, why does stuff like this happen to nice people? Why has nice gotten to be some sort of stigma in relationships? Would she have preferred if you were abusive or something like that or just an all around jackass? Now you're the one that's left to try and fix things while the real jackass seems to have gotten away Scott free. By the way, I wouldn't be above whuppin his ass but, at this point, you've had time to think and anything you do would be premeditated so leave it alone, his time will come either in this life or the next. Sorry, this is your thread and here I am venting. 

Anyway, this is a very heavy on you, that's for certain. It sounds like she's hit bottom and is ready to come back up but not you. You need to find some way to let this all out so you can let go and start over. The old marriage is done with, it's time to start fresh and she wants to with you, do you with her? If not, there's no reason to pretend but, if you do, do it 100%. You could start by communicating your feelings in other ways than cutting remarks that only serve to push her away and make her feel worse than she already does right now.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> I am speaking about the problem in using those moments of success and small victories as bandaids that get you through until the next small victory. That is not consistant enough to invoke true internal change.
> 
> For some effective changes to take place inside of you, set your goals higher.
> 
> ...


Okay, that makes sense. I agree, and I heed ever bit of it. I just need to figure out how in my own way. It will become a lot easier when we move out of the house with all the triggers. Just stop thinking about it all the time will help. I know for starters, whether I am ready or not I will get a ring, if it helps her in the long run to see it on my finger...why not. You make amazing points, I just need to find the right way to do it. I think MM got it right, that I need to find a way to let it all out, just a way to vent it all in the air, let it all go..... then look in the mirror and just start doing it. I have 2 baby girls that need a dad not always in a depressed **** mood.


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