# Should I drop a truth bomb on wife before leaving?



## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

My wife and I are breaking up, the thread I started about it is here. 

We are currently still living in the same tiny place, but avoiding each other since my wife's last blowup approx one week ago. She's in the bedroom, I'm in the living room. I get up super early, she stays up all night - bizarrely, it actually kinda works, we've not said 3 words to each other in a week. 

She sent me an email, as she always does after her rages, in which she is ostensibly civil in that 'I've been reasonable so long but I'm just tired of you now' type of way, states we are getting divorced etc, then adds a paragraph at the end about how I am the worst thing that has ever happened to her, she will never forgive me etc. 

This has happened before, and usually I just reply non-committally, like 'ok', or 'see you later', or 'still love you, bye', or such. My wife has some medical/mental health problems, and I don't know much of it is that, and how much is just her personality. Reading things in the other thread, it seems like she might possibly have borderline personality disorder. 

But anyway, I can't see how she and I can carry on, so we'll have to break up. And part of me wants to send a reply email and tell her exactly what I think - that her behaviour has been an absolute disgrace, she is physically and verbally abusive then plays the victim etc. 

Now obviously, partly this is catharsis. It would make me feel better. But also, partly, I can't help feeling that it might actually........help her a bit. Maybe. I have not been the greatest husband in the world, but I'm pretty sure I coddled her way too much. She is also young, beautiful and rather adorable (and the youngest child of 6), which means that everybody tends to coddle her a bit too much. I have no doubt she is sincere in what she says, so I think that maybe (MAYBE), if I give her what for, it might make her sit up and take note. Or it might not. It might just make her go even more bat-s**t. 

Does anyone have any thoughts please? I don't want to do it too much 'in anger'. It's difficult to know what to do that is for the best. I feel like she needs to be told. But also, this could just be my opportunity to slip away from a bad situation as painlessly and quietly as possible. 

Thanks.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do not reply. She doesn't care what you think.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's unlikely that she'll benefit, so mostly this would be for you to vent. However, IF you do this, wait until the divorce is final, to avoid any additional unpleasantness she might dream up in retaliation - because she will see it as an attack, and respond in kind, IMO.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Vauxhall- do your venting here. I just read your other thread and I don't believe she'll be able to "hear" a word you say. 

Your intentions are good but in her mind your good intentions will be an attack.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Your wife doesn't give a damn about you or your opinion.Get the divorce over with and then tell her exactly what you think of her.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

stay amicable play nice knowing you will be rid of her its in everybody's best interest to play nice.

less stress
more fair 
less drama

good luck.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

She'd assume it was completely untrue and coming from a place of pain because you're breaking up and she'd just use it as justification & validation for her opinion of you and the problems you brought to the relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you want to do it for YOU then do it. I am a great believer in catharsis, but don't fool yourself that you'd be doing it for anyone other than yourself. If it was me I would do it. I am planning on leaving my job because my boss is an absolutely selfish prick and a jerk, and when I leave I will not give notice because I intend to tell him exactly why I am leaving. I hold no hope that he will actually get the message though.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont bother. Likely it will just inflame an angry response, then you have to deal with THAT. If she isnt aware that she is batcrap crazy, then it is what it is. Just make your plan and end it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If she's a narcissist, which it seems like she fits the traits of one, she won't care. She doesn't care. And all it likely will do is cause a back and forth where she will zing you way worse than you could ever imagine. Silence is the best thing. But, she will likely continue the BS emails...'you're the worst thing ever.' 

Stay strong, and move forward. You deserve way better than this abusive relationship.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> If you want to do it for YOU then do it. I am a great believer in catharsis, but don't fool yourself that you'd be doing it for anyone other than yourself. If it was me I would do it. I am planning on leaving my job because my boss is an absolutely selfish prick and a jerk, and when I leave I will not give notice because I intend to tell him exactly why I am leaving. I hold no hope that he will actually get the message though.


I would strongly recommend that you DON'T do this. Even though the guy is a prick, he may have influence on any job you may go after in the future. Trust me I have had lots of pricks for bosses and when I finally get an opportunity to leave my current job, I'm not going to say anything at all to my current boss. I'm just going to walk out the door to a new opportunity.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My initial thought was...oh yeah let her have it. The smart play, however, would be to print out all the e-mails she sent you and use them against her as much as you can in divorce court. Don't reply at all!!! Any hostile e-mail you send her, as cathartic as it might be, can be used against you as an attack or hostile action against her. She may just be baiting you to do this. 

Send TAM the letter you would like to send her to get it out of your system.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> My initial thought was...oh yeah let her have it. The smart play, however, would be to print out all the e-mails she sent you and use them against her as much as you can in divorce court. Don't reply at all!!! Any hostile e-mail you send her, as cathartic as it might be, can be used against you as an attack or hostile action against her. She may just be baiting you to do this.
> 
> Send TAM the letter you would like to send her to get it out of your system.


Thanks for all responses, I haven't replied to her, although she will probably attack me for that too (you're too rude to even reply to my messages etc). And don't worry, if I ever needed it, I have reams and reams and reams of emails of her telling me to go *redacted* myself. She is baiting me for a response, but not for any future play, she just wants a response. This is what always happens: she explodes for no reason, I try to talk to her, she violently rebuffs me, she pouts for a week, then she's still mad but wants to engage with me and tell me how awful I am, how I have betrayed her etc. This is the dance we do. 

I very much doubt we'll end up in divorce court, no kids, no assets, no shared accounts or anything (the one shared account we did have, she unilaterally closed after an argument, without consulting me, and, as far as I know, spent all the money). 

Although I might write what I wanted to write, and just paste it here, that's a good idea. No-one has to read it, and I'll feel better. I might do that. Thanks.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> My initial thought was...oh yeah let her have it. The smart play, however, would be to print out all the e-mails she sent you and use them against her as much as you can in divorce court. Don't reply at all!!! Any hostile e-mail you send her, as cathartic as it might be, can be used against you as an attack or hostile action against her. She may just be baiting you to do this.
> 
> Send TAM the letter you would like to send her to get it out of your system.


excellent idea. you may even wish to fuel the fire and respond with non threatening comments to keep the rhetoric going and use against her just be careful with your words.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

The best thing is to just walk away and count your lucky stars. Doing things like you are considering are only prolonging the process and hurting the mother of your children for no more reason than revenge. I always felt that revenge or getting angry was letting the other person control my emotions. Keep in mind that sometimes Karma has a way of catching up with you, if your wife does not somehow.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Do not write the letter, just go completely dark. No communication whatsoever. Take every single email and have it printed and copied. Take them to your solicitor and have questions for court formulated based on those emails. Have each and every defamatory statement read into the official record. Let your lawyer destroy her credibility and shred her contentions. Simultaneously, arrange for copies of all of her emails to go to her family and friends. When she emerges from court, let her know that what she experienced inside was just sent to her entire family and all of her friends and they will know that she is no better than a monster under her skin.

Then go have a nice life. Do not give her one further thought.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I didn't read your other thread. However, usually when people get nasty it's because there is something wrong in THEIR life and there's nothing you are going to be able to do to change that. If it makes you feel better then send her a note, assuming you understand that it could make the divorce fight worse if she gets angrier and more emotional.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

This is what I was going to reply to her.

"Excuse me, but _you_ will never forgive _me _? For what? I’m fairly certain you don’t know, just as I’m fairly certain you don’t actually know why you are "infuriated". This is why when I ask you what it actually is that I’ve done to you, you attack me with generalities. You have singularly failed to come up with anything terrible that I have done to you, the absolute worst you can think of is that 2 years ago I told you that a co-worker had a crush on me. For that, and ‘lesser crimes’, you have maintained an intermittent campaign of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. And then you claim that you are the victim. 

You need help which I cannot provide, even if you wanted me to. I made a mistake by being an enabler for you for as long as I was. I’m sorry sweetie, I really am." 

Sigh. Sorry, I know this is really weird doing this online, but I have no other outlet. I'm very sad.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

That is a good note. However, I'm sure you have told her all that before. Even if you give her that note, she will not get it. You will have to be repeating this over and over, until you stop engaging her.

When you do leave, get ready for her to start self harming as a way to get you to come back out of pity or responsibility (in her mind.)

You will have to steel yourself when you leave, and not look back.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

It is extremely frustrating to not get to tell "them" everything they've done and why they are everything they accused US of being or doing. Extremely. But, in time, it becomes easier and eventually you will be very, very glad ...if you can truly walk away without any words and go completely and totally no contact. It is the best revenge.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I agree with the others here. Do not send a letter to her in which you strike back. When I broke contact with my ex wife who I divorced twice because of her infidelities, I sent her love letter stating how much I love her but lamenting the fact that we could never be together again or even communicate with each other because of her choices. I did not elaborate on her choices at all. I left it general because she knows deep down what those choices are, and she has to live with the consequences of her actions. My judgment of her has no impact in the final analysis, but if it does, my silence is biggest statement I can make. My silence is the best I can give her, and this is enough. 

Seven months later I am glad that I did not let her have it in my final communication with her. I am not giving her my resentment, anger, and hurt. She doesn't own them, and she can't have them. Since that time, I have been able to slowly lighten the baggage. It's a process. It takes time. But when you allow the process to unfold naturally, over time, the reward awaits you.

Stay out of dark places and don't let her take you into hers. That is the best therapy, my friend.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Do not reply. She doesn't care what you think.




BOOM! ******locks blew it up in 9 words and no one else has really said anything different. Another drive-by truth bomb from ******locks 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you saying that through your marriage you have never told her that her violence and abuse are not acceptable?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

vauxhall101 said:


> I feel like she needs to be told. But also, this could just be my opportunity to slip away from a bad situation as painlessly and quietly as possible.


Maybe she "needs to be told", but not by you. Saying those things to her would just lead to another nasty heated exchange.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Threats of divorce are emotional blackmail.

Translation?

"Do what I want, or else."

"Apologize to me so I don't have to, or else."

Your previous replies are not that far off the mark. You may try this one:

"I will miss you, and may not find another I love as much as you. However, I will settle for someone who knows it's not okay to channel rage at their partner."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> This is what I was going to reply to her.
> 
> "Excuse me, but _you_ will never forgive _me _? For what? I’m fairly certain you don’t know, just as I’m fairly certain you don’t actually know why you are "infuriated". This is why when I ask you what it actually is that I’ve done to you, you attack me with generalities. You have singularly failed to come up with anything terrible that I have done to you, the absolute worst you can think of is that 2 years ago I told you that a co-worker had a crush on me. For that, and ‘lesser crimes’, you have maintained an intermittent campaign of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. And then you claim that you are the victim.
> 
> ...


Do not send this, it will hurt far more than it will help you in any way.

If you are divorcing her it will give her ammo and when you move to divorce, she won't care what you say.


If you want to try to fix things, this will not help at all.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that through your marriage you have never told her that her violence and abuse are not acceptable?


Um, kinda. I have tried to tell her that her emotional blackmail is unacceptable, but she just dodges around it, she'll never actually concede the point - it's only when I refer to it as 'emotional blackmail' that she even gets defensive about it, ie that she even considers that telling someone that your self-harming is their fault, might be wrong. This is what gets to me about our relationship. Is that she will expect me to 'make amends' for endless, endless 'infractions' (ie any time I have fallen short of the ridiculously high standards that she has set for me), but when it's her, she's maddeningly belligerent about owning any wrongdoing. If I ever try and talk to her about these things, she just 'drowns me out' with accusations of her own, and that EVERYONE on the planet would know that I should apologise to her for the rest of my life for saying 2 years ago that a co-worker had a crush on me, whereas her kicking me was simply an understandable reaction to someone who has treated her so appallingly, for which she might apologise sometime in the future, if I ever first have the decency to atone for all my despicable crimes. That's just how she is when she's mad. 

She's very smart but also, strangely credulous, and because she's like everyone, and reads things that reinforce what she wants to believe, and I don't think having a therapist helps in this regard (someone who is paid to sympathise with her), and she seems to honestly believe that she (and by extension, women generally) are incapable of doing wrong in a marriage. I don't say that glibly, or as intending to be misogynistic (I'm only talking about my wife here), but that is the way it comes across with her: she acts as if in a marriage, by definition, she can't be in the wrong. 

Example: After a blowup, I compared her to the character in the movie 'The Hangover', who is deliberately an unsympathetic, 'nightmare girlfriend', who the mild-mannered boyfriend states that 'she only hit him twice, and he was out of line both times'. Instead of taking offence at this, my wife kinda smirked when I made the comparison. I don't know if it was because she thought I was being funny, or that she was quite pleased with the comparison (she's nothing like that character really, but she is a little bit of a 'femi-nazi').

I can't follow farsidejunky's suggestion either, even though I liked the note, because I know if I put that, my wife will respond something like "You're already thinking about moving on to someone else? How can you do this to me" etc etc.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Talk, no action = no change


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

If you do email anything to your W do not talk about her faults but talk about how her actions make you feel xyz. Talk about what broke your boundaries and how you wish you were treated.

Generally the less you say the better off you will be. Anything you say, she could use against you or will want to argue about. People come up with counter arguments to any complaint you have about them. It becomes a vicious circle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It appears that you have had limited success in expressing your boundaries to your wife. In future relationships, it will behoove you to make them known up front and address problems as they occur rather than merely getting through the fracas as unharmed as possible. 

Remember, you can't read her mind anymore than she can read yours. Use your words and use them as often as is required. Speculating and conjecturing on attitudes and motives is pointless and gets you to where you are today.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> My wife and I are breaking up, the thread I started about it is here.
> 
> We are currently still living in the same tiny place, but avoiding each other since my wife's last blowup approx one week ago. She's in the bedroom, I'm in the living room. I get up super early, she stays up all night - bizarrely, it actually kinda works, we've not said 3 words to each other in a week.
> 
> ...


*The less that you put in writing or even verbalize, I really believe that the better off that you're going to ultimately be!

As a wise old man once intoned,
"It's awfully hard to misquote 'silence!'"*


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I have just this second had an argument with my wife, and it was horrible. She is impossible. 

She is seriously trying to claim, that because I told her 2 years ago that a co-worker had a crush on me (or rather, she changed it just now to be that I DIDN'T tell her the co-worker had a crush on me - although how she thinks she figured it out, I don't know), means that her physical, verbal and emotional abuse is justified. She said this with absolute conviction, and she is not shy about it either - she is utterly convinced that anybody she told, would side with her too. She threw some things at me, and I'm afraid I did call her a name afterwards. 

She also said that her telling me her self-harming was my fault, is equivalent to me telling her I might start smoking and drinking again if we break up. I smoked and drank long before I met her, and I didn't blame her for it. 

I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know if she is seriously detached from reality, or I am. She seems to be living like a junky, she is staying up all night, the room is a complete mess, there is trash everywhere, pill bottles and bits of garbage. I don't know what's going to happen to her. I suppose I should just be grateful that I have an 'out'.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

1. Don't engage
2. Carry a voice activated recorder with you at all times. She could eventually call the police and blame you for the mess she created.
3. it will get worse the less you engage.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

dubsey said:


> 1. Don't engage
> 2. Carry a voice activated recorder with you at all times. She could eventually call the police and blame you for the mess she created.
> 3. it will get worse the less you engage.


I know I shouldn't engage, but it's so childish, living in the same tiny apartment and not talking to each other. And besides everything else, I do love her, and and I feel responsible for her. I don't know what's going to happen to her - left to her own devices, she stays up all night, she lives in chaos, she gets herself fired from jobs because she's always late etc. 

I do sincerely start to doubt myself. Is she right? Am I an abominable human being because 2 years ago I told her a co-worker had a crush on me, and because I haven't 'resolved' it to her satisfaction? (she says we never talked about it, but we did, many times). Is she right to throw things at me, and become enraged? Sigh. I'm afraid I did call her a '******** scumbag', which wasn't very nice. But I kinda feel like she's behaving like one. It's horrible.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> I know I shouldn't engage, but it's so childish, living in the same tiny apartment and not talking to each other. And besides everything else, I do love her, and and I feel responsible for her. I don't know what's going to happen to her - left to her own devices, she stays up all night, she lives in chaos, she gets herself fired from jobs because she's always late etc.


Well, that is HER problem, stop making yourself responsible for her. She is a grown woman, and if she wants to self destruct, then that is on her. Honestly from what you just described, she probably needs to be committed. The sooner you get out, the better off you'll be. 



vauxhall101 said:


> I do sincerely start to doubt myself. Is she right? Am I an abominable human being because 2 years ago I told her a co-worker had a crush on me, and because I haven't 'resolved' it to her satisfaction? (she says we never talked about it, but we did, many times). Is she right to throw things at me, and become enraged? Sigh. I'm afraid I did call her a '******** scumbag', which wasn't very nice. But I kinda feel like she's behaving like one. It's horrible.


Come on, you KNOW she isnt right on ANY of this. The next time she turns violent during an outburst, I would suggest you get the police involved. Maybe she can be committed then? She has NO RIGHT to treat you like this, this is abuse and you are perfectly within your rights to get law enforcement involved for your safety. And for crying out loud, stop beating yourself up for calling her a name, that is the LEAST she has coming for all she has done, she is lucky you are a good guy.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

vauxhall101 said:


> I have just this second had an argument with my wife, and it was horrible. She is impossible.
> 
> She is seriously trying to claim, that because I told her 2 years ago that a co-worker had a crush on me (or rather, she changed it just now to be that I DIDN'T tell her the co-worker had a crush on me - although how she thinks she figured it out, I don't know), means that her physical, verbal and emotional abuse is justified. She said this with absolute conviction, and she is not shy about it either - she is utterly convinced that anybody she told, would side with her too. She threw some things at me, and I'm afraid I did call her a name afterwards.
> 
> ...


Document everything.

Always, always, always have a VAR on you when she's around.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

looking at it from the outside, if you were the female, and she was the male, what advice would you give that couple?

You'd tell the woman to run from the abusive relationship. Full Stop.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Since she's so convinced she's right nothing you say will make a difference. Don't bother.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop petting the drama llama and move out. You can't make sense out of nonsense.

Next on your agenda is to grow the hell up! Stop calling your wife names.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

vauxhall101 said:


> I know I shouldn't engage, but it's so childish, living in the same tiny apartment and not talking to each other. And besides everything else, I do love her, and and I feel responsible for her. I don't know what's going to happen to her - left to her own devices, she stays up all night, she lives in chaos, she gets herself fired from jobs because she's always late etc.
> 
> I do sincerely start to doubt myself. Is she right? Am I an abominable human being because 2 years ago I told her a co-worker had a crush on me, and because I haven't 'resolved' it to her satisfaction? (she says we never talked about it, but we did, many times). Is she right to throw things at me, and become enraged? Sigh. I'm afraid I did call her a '******** scumbag', which wasn't very nice. But I kinda feel like she's behaving like one. It's horrible.


No, childish is giving someone the silent treatment for manipulations sake and punishment. You are trying to avoid fights and protect your personal safety, these issues are not the same thing.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm not one to comment on much these days but this thread bothered me. I don't mean to go entirely against the grain but in this case, I am. Love is a choice. When someone demonstrates through their actions, behavior or words that they don't love you, the gloves should come off. As you stated, OP, you have no kids and no real assets to split up so there's nothing much to lose.

What you can teach her is that her behavior is not acceptable and that you won't tolerate it and perhaps she will learn that her next potential mate won't either. Sometimes you have to bite someone's head off so they learn what kind of behavior is not acceptable. You can't just do and say whatever you want and most people don't for fear of the consequences. Well, give her some consequences.

It will be great for you to vent and it just may sting her enough to get her attention. I've never been accused of being an overly nice guy and I would not tolerate this behavior from my worst enemy, let alone my wife, even if she's your soon to be ex. Don't be the doormat and just take whatever she says to you. Sounds like you've already done that in your marriage. You don't need to be nice anymore and you shouldn't be. Would you tolerate such behavior from a stranger or from someone you worked with? I don't think so. Then don't tolerate it from her.

She may have mental and emotional issues but that's her problem to correct now and you don't need to coddle her anymore. Give her what for and then go dark. Getting the last word will likely eat her up so that's a plus too. This person has attempted and succeeded in hurting you enough. Time to go on the offensive a little.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Wife and I were getting along for a little while last night, but another blowout just now, because I tried to talk to her about how she behaves. She says I don't listen to her, and maybe she's right. But arguing with her is like trying to herd cats. Even trying to touch on the fact that maybe, maybe she is in the wrong sometimes, she treats as offensive. Obviously it is my fault. If they knew the facts, everybody would know that it is my fault. 

I say if she wants to remain married to me (and I make sure to say "if"), she has to stop with the temper tantrums - I'm not living the rest of my life in perpetual fear of any little thing setting her off. She says it's my fault for inflaming her. I say that she had already inflamed me (true), and I didn't have a temper tantrum. She says that my silence is the problem, that my silence is worse than her yelling, kicking, 'berserker mode'. I don't know anymore. What can you say to that? Except 'no, I really don't agree'. 

I think I will just have to accept that I can't help her, and that I'm on my own again.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> Wife and I were getting along for a little while last night, but another blowout just now, because I tried to talk to her about how she behaves. She says I don't listen to her, and maybe she's right. But arguing with her is like trying to herd cats. Even trying to touch on the fact that maybe, maybe she is in the wrong sometimes, she treats as offensive. Obviously it is my fault. If they knew the facts, everybody would know that it is my fault.
> 
> I say if she wants to remain married to me (and I make sure to say "if"), she has to stop with the temper tantrums - I'm not living the rest of my life in perpetual fear of any little thing setting her off. She says it's my fault for inflaming her. I say that she had already inflamed me (true), and I didn't have a temper tantrum. She says that my silence is the problem, that my silence is worse than her yelling, kicking, 'berserker mode'. I don't know anymore. What can you say to that? Except 'no, I really don't agree'.
> 
> *I think I will just have to accept that I can't help her*, and that I'm on my own again.


Exactly.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

It gets worse, she sent me another horrible email last night, calling me names, telling me to get the hell out etc. She even wrote (exact quote) "You think because my bruises are not physical they are less important than yours". Sigh. I have actually only mentioned my bruises (real ones) to her twice, she has been talking about her "more important" ones for 2 years now. She says (said) that my problem was that I refuse to ever talk about things. Then I try and talk about things, ie how SHE behaves towards me, and she has a tantrum. It's impossible - as far as she is concerned, she can treat me however she likes because of her "emotional hurt from 2 years ago", and I simply have to deal with it. 

I know that I am upset and probably not thinking straight etc, but she is totally impossible. I really do start to feel like I'm losing my mind, my grip on reality - she wants to talk about our problems, but by that what she means is, she expects to have endless roundtable discussions about my 'misdeeds', with quizzes, essays, and multi-choice, then a grovelling apology from me at the end (which she won't accept, and will subsequently forget about). But to me, I literally can't even get her to acknowledge that physical violence has no place in a relationship. That is actually true - and we weren't even arguing then, and she still couldn't bring herself to say it. 

There's a lady on another thread talking about trying to win back her ex after she had been abusive, and I read that thread, and I'm actually envious of that guy, because at least that lady takes some responsibility for how she behaved.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont be envious of that guy, because he may end up getting sucked back in and abused all over again. Your wife is mentally ill, she is not going to take real responsibility for the things she has done, and she isnt going to change. I dont understand why she stays married to you when she seems to have nothing but contempt for you. Maybe to punish you? She doesnt deserve you staying. You dont deserve this abuse. I dont know how you can stand to be in the same room with this woman.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Dont be envious of that guy, because he may end up getting sucked back in and abused all over again. Your wife is mentally ill, she is not going to take real responsibility for the things she has done, and she isnt going to change. I dont understand why she stays married to you when she seems to have nothing but contempt for you. Maybe to punish you? She doesnt deserve you staying. You dont deserve this abuse. I dont know how you can stand to be in the same room with this woman.


I know that's how it sounds, and she does have mental health problems (and will sometimes acknowledge this). It's very difficult to describe, because she will turn that quickly, from loving me completely and saying I'm the kindest, handsomest, most wonderful man that exists, to outright contemptuous hatred, in the space of about a minute. 

It is odd to experience, and sometimes I almost catch her 'arguing herself into it', if you see what I mean - the other day she said 'you do make me tea whenever I want', and I got the distinct feeling that she was saying it to herself rather than to me, in order to get herself back in the 'he's wonderful and makes me feel special' camp. Does that make sense? No? Lol, sound insane? Maybe it is. 

Like I say, I do feel myself become a little detached from reality too, you even wrote earlier in this thread 'come on, you know she isn't right to do this', but the fact is, I _don't_ know. She is very convincing, and I start to doubt myself. I even tried to encourage her the other day to write down all the facts as she sees them, and then post them in a forum like this, and see what responses she gets. Because that would help me, if nothing else.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why do you keep riding this turd merry-go-round?

Jump off already.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Satya said:


> Why do you keep riding this turd merry-go-round?
> 
> Jump off already.


I honestly don't know. I feel a sense of duty to her, I guess. Plus I'm like every human being, and I can't bear injustice when it's me who is suffering it, and I want some kind of acknowledgement of it - but I guess I'll never get it, and should just let it go.


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