# My husband is snarky, irritable, critical and disrespectful.



## christmas

I love my husband so, so much, but his negative attitude and mean behavior can be too much for me. Here is a background on things:

My husband and I have been together for nearly five years. We are both in our mid-twenties. We have been inseparable since day one and still have a wonderful, loving connection. We are both very smart and also care about making the relationship better.

He can be very loving and really is always very attuned to my emotions and generally feels very concerned about my happiness. However, he has this unusual nature about him that I can only begin to sum up by listing the following qualities:

*- He is very, very critical and judgemental of others.* While he does focus some of this on me, it seems to come at everyone equally.

Example: He often tells others, including me, how to do "this" and "that" and how we should be a certain way. It seems to come from a know-it-all type of attitude. He often gets into heated arguments with his mother about things as trivial as household electronics and how to use them (she approaches them with caution because she's older, and he approaches them with attitude, because he's a tech junkie)
*
- He can be extremely irritable.*

Example: There was a fly at a restaurant the other day and it buzzed around him a handful of times. He got this look of anger and disgust and didn't seem to be able to get over it. He wanted to leave. I didn't think it was a big deal at all. He gets that irritable scowl very often in similar situations. Honestly, I think it's extremely childish.

*- He is snarky and razor-tongued.* This behavior is particularly hurtful when he turns it on me.

Example: I was working on organizing around the house the other day, mixed with breaks where I was working on work-related stuff for my business. He was aware of my activities and knew I was spending my time on important, legitimate stuff. When I went to see him off in the evening when he left for a work-related engagement that we both would ordinarily attend, I said "sorry I can't join you, I just want to get things done around here" and he replied, "Well just make sure you do", which just seemed really snarky considering that I was working on the stuff all day. He also just makes snide little comments toward me and anyone else that he disagrees with. Often times it has to do with food.

Second example: His parents will ask us to go to dinner at some place that he isn't in the mood for. He will make comments about how unhealthy the food is, but if he had been in the mood for it, of course he wouldn't comment.

*- He is hypocritical and holds double standards.*

Example: He is very, very hard on me for being messy. Admittedly, I am moderately messy, but it's usually only in times of transition where I'm trying to find places for things, like the handful of times we've moved. We have moved four times in the five years we've been together. At the same time he criticizes me about mess, his clothes are strewn about, and if he takes his pants off, they stay right where they landed in the first place.

Example: If I bake cookies, he will eat like 8 of them in a row, in one sitting. He then gives me a hard time if I want to get some Taco Bell late at night if I haven't eaten much during the day. However, of course if he's the one in the mood for Taco Bell, he won't say anything about it.

*- He is disrespectful by default.* He tends to think that others aren't smart or worthy of his respect, so he automatically discounts their opinions, talks over them, preaches to them, etc.

Anyway, he just has kind of a mean-spiritedness about him in these instances. I try to make sure that I'm not just being overly-sensitive, and I think I'm correct. He is very audacious and outspoken as well. Again, I love him so much for all of his good qualities, including intelligence, commitment, loyalty, ethics and values, sense of humor, but the bad qualities are just so glaring and frustrating to deal with. He even has a gentleness about him in that he loves animals and babies and he seems to care abstractly about humanity, but when it comes to people in real life he can be so unforgiving.


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## Runs like Dog

Paranoia?


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## anonymiss

Is this kinda a sudden change or has he always been this way??


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## christmas

Runs like Dog said:


> Paranoia?


While it's true that I tend to take things too personally (and I also have had some experience just expecting bad behavior based on history, and maybe it isn't always as bad as I have just come to expect), I think I'm observing this behavior from a fairly level-headed standpoint.


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## christmas

anonymiss said:


> Is this kinda a sudden change or has he always been this way??


I think it's gotten worse over the years, but to my knowledge he's always had a bit of a problem with being a grump, or easily irritated. His mother says that he's "so much better" now that he's with me, leading me to assume he has always been a bit bratty.


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## shibuya

I recognise some of those characteristics in myself (I joined this forum to try and improve myself and my faltering marriage). 

Do you find his behaviour intolerable, or is it just an irritant in the context of a happy relationship?


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## elph

ill be honest.

this is very close to the list that my wife gave me in terms of what was wrong with me, and how it affected out relationship. and its maybe not that bad, in her eyes it is. she how ever has a tendancy to take everything personally. but its stuff that gets to her none the less. and shes been trying to tell me this for sometime, and it wasnt getting through.


suffice to say, she is currently having an affair, and is moving out at the end of the week.

i have recognized these things, and am working to or have changed these behaviors. 
alot of it was my attitude towards the world and me becoming increasingly bitter. and that got to my wife.

now she not perfect either, but ive taken responsibility for what i can.

ill tell you this. if it really bugs you, or is starting to wear you thin, you have a responsibility to communicate it to your husband. let him know that these things get to you, and that how he does things has to change. 

DONT GET HIM TO CHANGE HIS MIND OR BEHAVIORS ALL AT ONCE!!!!

i cannot stress this enough. if they are behaviors or habits that have been around for a while, it will then take a while for them to change, so baby steps. but also tell him if they dont change, there will be consequences he may not like.

as since your opening the line of communication, ask him if theres anything about you he would like you to consider. 

but dont take it personally, itll show that your commited to making it the best marriage possible. also dont be suprised if it isnt alot. men usually have a shorter list of these kinds things.

I wish i and my wife had this opportunity again. it would help us avoid a lot of bullcrap.

that said, there is the possibility of fixing our situation, but not without alot of work..

best of luck


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