# Newlywed Horror



## sky (Nov 19, 2010)

*Newlywed Horror : Life's at halt as spouse gets addicted to video games*

Hi everyone. I accidentally found this website as I was desperately seeking marital counsel over the internet. 

I got married 4 months ago to a man I felt deeply in love with. Ours is a story worth a thousand telling. An interracial couple who battled a lot of hardships together, we met as foreign expatriates abroad. A time when we both had stable jobs and were earning a reasonable amountt of money, we decided to live together and that lasted for 3 years until we finally decided to tie the knot. 

As much as I dread to admit, I feel that our relationship is starting to fall apart as soon as we got hitched. There have been 5 usual issues that surface every time we fight : 1) planned immigration to USA; 2) my joblessness at the moment; 3) my husband's addiction to video games; 4) my passive aggressive behaviour; and 5) my alleged "lack of communication skills". I know that our issues can be pretty overwhelming but believe me that everything is interconnected.

My husband is living in Asia to be with me for almost 2 yrs now. U.S. immigration is a painfully long process and we are stuck in here until the documents get through. And because I had to personally follow-up my application at the embassy, I had to give up my job making my husband the sole provider in the family.

I have never been unemployed in my entire life and I am a very hardworking, driven person. My joblessness became my initial source of depression and it has been consuming me for half a year now. I began feeling worthless and unappreciated.I started talking to my husband about my insecurities but idk if it really did stick on him. He said, he has no problem supporting us and that killed the conversation.

I tried to talk to him again about us opening a joint account and start saving up as a couple. He said that he has his own bank where his pay is being deposited and that should be fine for now. I don't know if I am just being too kind or naive, but I guess I am one of the very few wives who do not know my husband's bank acct no. and pin. I couldn't even check his online banking because I don't know his username or password! 

My husband has not applied any change of status in any of his government insurances in the States yet and there is no piece of paper (except our marriage certificate) that declares me as the wife. I asked him if we can invest on any property while we are in Asia and he said no.

I am not a luxurious person and i am really good with budgeting money. I never want money to be an issue in our relationship but I'm not gonna lie that it hurts me sooo bad feeling like there is really no 'us' in this marriage, like I don't really exist as the wife, especially when it comes to finances. 

My husband is doing telecommuting work since he moved with me in Asia. 
He had more free time given the time difference and needless to say, he's been slacking most of his days. He's being paid ok and we are surviving because we are in Asia where the living cost is way too low. But his pay will def. not go a long way once we move back to the States. I have been talking to my husband about finding a new job but of course, he's giving me the same ol reason - things need to wait til we move permanently back to the States. He's happy where he's at right now (paid at $10/hr for 3 yrs!), that's what he said.

Aside from my husband's lack of professional ambition, I also noticed his worsening grooming habits.. I only saw my husband tidy - head to toe - on our wedding day. Everyday, he's too lazy to even comb his hair, brush his teeth or gargle.. He just seats in front of his computer, playing online games or in front of the TV still playing video games or watching TV. Believe me when I say that he plays 10 - 12 hours non-stop every given day!  He doesn't help around the house. He only stands up when he has to eat, pee and smoke.

I on the other hand, is feeling frustrated as I see my feelings fade away watching my husband do the same thing every breathing day. As I worry about immigration and starting a new life together, my husband is busy with his video games. We talked about his gaming addiction for more than 100 times already. He changes for a while but eventually goes back to his old habits.

My frustrations kept piling up til I reached a point of not wanting to talk and just keep my mouth shut. Everytime I say something about his gaming habit, he would be very defensive and we end up having a huge argument. One day, I just snapped and decided to live a life like my husband. No worries No plans. Like him, I just waited for everyday to start and end. I lost track of time, days, months. I didn't bother to groom myself or exercise. I stopped talking to my friends because I feel embarrassed everytime they ask me how's my married life doing. Nothing is going on and I feel stuck! All I ever wanted was to marry the man i love, hold hands everyday, start building dreams together - a small cozy house, with 2 kids and a dog. That's all I want! I don't know what the hell just happened. 

2 days ago, I wanted to end my life and disappear. This is how depressed I am at the moment. I just needed to vent out and type and talk my feelings out, hoping that this would all go away or that there'll be someone out there willing to listen and provide me with useful, realistic advice. I am losing all my reasons and for an intelligent, successful woman to feel like i made the silliest mistake of jumping into marriage, that just doesn't make much sense?!

I am losing my battle against depression. I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I am wasting away and I seriously need help. This marriage is becoming too toxic.


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

First off ending your life will not help you reach your goals of a loving marriage, kids etc. You need to get out of this house! Stay with a friend or family. Being with him is depressing you more than no job. Finish up your stuff to come to the States and make a new life, possibly without him if necessary. He is probably going through a depressive cycle too which has led to his addiction in which he needs help. My first concern is with you to get out and find yourself and dream of goals again.


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## sky (Nov 19, 2010)

RJHT said:


> First off ending your life will not help you reach your goals of a loving marriage, kids etc. You need to get out of this house! Stay with a friend or family. Being with him is depressing you more than no job. Finish up your stuff to come to the States and make a new life, possibly without him if necessary. He is probably going through a depressive cycle too which has led to his addiction in which he needs help. My first concern is with you to get out and find yourself and dream of goals again.


Thank you RJHT.

I do recognize the fact that I need to be surrounded with positive people as I go thru this destructive phase of depression. But it's a real struggle for me to come out and socialize. Everytime I think about reconnecting with old friends and family, embarrassment overpowers me, so I turn around and go back to live in isolation. 

Being in Asia, it is very difficult for me to find a reliable marriage counselor and/or a clinical psychologist to consult. I live in a catholic country were woman are actually advised to become submissive to the husband, I don't know how much of that mentality actually affects psychological practitioners and/or marital counselors in this side of the world. 

Regarding my husband's addiction to video games, I did some research and it sucks that most of those who suffer from this are kids! My husband is almost 30 and there's a part of me that feels hopeless if he can ever recover from it. I know that he is also bored and depressed and he finds refuge in playing video games. But isn't it more logical if we sit down and spend our days planning about the future instead of him killing zombies everyday? 

Anyhow, I will try to follow your advice, go out today and stroll at the mall. I am not yet ready to meet and hang out with people but at the very least, I would like to see the world outside this box and breathe some fresh air. I will update again shortly. Thanks again.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i completely understand where you are comming from. tec rules our house. when we first lived together i underestimated how much he played video games, when he wasnt working he would stay rooted in the same spot or days. it used to make me so mad like, why are these dishes still in the sink, why are these clothes still on the floor, as so on.

we dont have any rules except, new game 3 days to play, still work, but other than that dosent bother me. i always find other things to do, dishes, or washing clothes, i got to color my hair in peace and i get to read.

i guess we have one rule be considerate of my you cant hog the only tv if i have nothing else to do. you cant play some game from a year ago for 5 hours straight and not talk to me and interact with the kids, if i say ok time to leave thats it we are going.


but sadly i dont care how much he plays because that "new" game will lose its shine and i will be right there waiting. no different that oh say i gotta wash the dishes or i gotts sweep, mop, tell the kids to clean up their mess. he dosent see me that much after 6 dinner, kids bath, yelling, cleanups, then finnaly bed, so whos it hurting the kids dont care their just happy to be out if school and are running around in circles, and screaming. i never get to read when their up or in the house. so if he wants to play, fine by me i have something else to do.


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## crazyinlove (Nov 20, 2010)

I say this to you as a mum, LEAVE THIS TOXIC SITUATION.
you will, after a very short time, find out just how lovely, capable and strong tha you truly are. You are just with the wrong man . Very simple to the outsider looking in.
Take precious care of your great self dear and heal .

No relationship is worth killing yourself over, although it may feel like it at the time. Take care.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Find a job, plan your exit, then leave.

Getting to the USA is secondary.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

try to comprmise together, maybe new games, he can get a 2/3 day unlimited access pass. old games only a few hours on weekdays, up to 5 hours on saturday or sunday.

if you feel he likes the games more than you tell him, he probally wont get it, be prepared with only a coouple exanples 2!!!.

keep it simple dont talk when he is playing, or you two are in gamestop. barter for two player games, buy your owm controller

get him outside or alone in the car or just hanging watching tv or a movie. not finger pointing nobody likes that. keep it mello, and just bring it up once a week and dont spend hours raggin on him over it. he will only run to it.

i believe games are not you issue but you will not talk to him about it. if you are pushing him away then he will run into the willing and open arms of video games.

start talking about wharever it is. after all isnt it why we married our best friends to talk without a filter and to over share?????


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## sky (Nov 19, 2010)

Hi everyone, thank you for all the wise advice and support.

I finally had the guts to confront my husband yesterday regarding the critical marital issues presented above and like I expected it turned out to be an epic fight. 

I was correct in assuming that he will become too defensive when I mention about his gaming addiction. He shouted to me like mad for all the world to hear giving all the lamest reasons possible : 1) He's bored. 2) There's nothing else to do. 3) He's just killing time. 4) Me being depressed, depresses him so he plays video games. 5) It's not true that he's not planning about the future - he's got it all in his head. 6) I married a gamer and I should live with that.

I dated my husband for 3 years and I do know that he likes his video games. The thing that was holding our relationship before was the fact that we both get out of the house and go to our respective jobs and that my husband used to compromise that he plays his games 4 hrs a day as we spend the rest of our time planning about our wedding and other stuffs. Now, it's not the same anymore.

Yesterday, I just let it all out. I told him that his gaming addiction has created a huge damage in our relationship and it's got to stop. I made him realize that there are other useful things to do like exercising, reading, going to the mall, helping in household chores, finding a hobby or a craft etc at the very least, we can spend time talking and dreaming about the future?!? I told him firmly, that if he would not take some initiative to cut down his gaming time or improve his lifestyle, hygiene and life's outlook in general - he would lose me. That's when his yelling stopped.

After a couple of hours, when we've both cooled down, he approached me and said that he is very much willing to compromise and make our marriage work. He promised that he will only play an hour a day, be more helpful in the house and start being busy with other crafts or activities we can do together. For the first time, he acknowledges his addiction to video games and said it was a silly mistake to trade the love of his life for online games and he apologized for hurting my feelings. He asked me not to give up on him and he thanked me for wanting to change him for the better.

I want to think that our's gonna be a happy ending but it's too early to say. As of today though, my husband's transition has begun. He woke up at 7:30am, took a shower, brushed his teeth, combed his hair. Went down to have his coffee, did some stretches. We are planning on going out later to watch movies together and finally get out of the house. I pray and hope that this positive changes continues and I will definitely keep y'all posted on how our progress goes.. Thanks again everyone!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

yaaaa!!!! good for you. he heard you and has responded. we wives of gamers gotta stick together just eep talking, try 2 player raceing games or any mario bros., game. he will still want solo time, but now he will be more agreeable to spend time together with you.

my and i both have seperate nintendo ds, we have a few solo games, but we have 1 game we couldnt live without. mario cart and will team up in two player mode and will play for hours. we talk and laugh, sometimes we have real talks and still keep it light, and if i dont like his answers, i will red shell the crap out of him:lol:

i am sooo very happy for you, and i wish you all the best.


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