# i feel lost



## elite (Jul 21, 2011)

me and my wife have been married for 7 years and have been with each other for 8 .. i am 30 she is 28 
a couple of months after we first got together she slept with another guy and i didn't find out about it until months after 
i know things happen and bla bla bla .. so we talked about it 
she told me that she didnt know what she was thinking 
and it wouldn't happen again.

around 4 years ago .. out of the blue she came home from work and told me that there is a guy she works with who likes her and she thinks she likes him as well 
and she wanted to know if i would be fine with hanging around until after Christmas so her family didn't think bad of her lol 
i said not a chance and i left 
a couple of days after that she called me and asked if we could talk 
so i went over to her place and she promised that nothing happened and she told him that nothing ever could happen and that she is married and she wants to make her marriage work and that she was pregnant
so we worked at it .. and as far as i could see we both did out best and we did a whole lot of talking

our daughter came along and i thought we where all happy 
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but now i fear its all going down hill again 
there is a guy that she is working with that she has made a friendship with .. i have hung out with him as well and we both seem to get along but he knows nothing about our past and the trouble we have been through just to stay together 

once again we are not as close as we should be 
we don't talk a whole lot any more ... any problems she has she no longer comes to me with them .. she goes to the other guy 
when i ask and beg her to come play with me and our daughter she always has an answer as to why she cant 
but when he comes over .. she has no problem going out to play if he is playing ball with our daughter 
the other night i told her how i felt .. and she said then we can always set up a date night .. just time for me and you and we can get a sitter for our daughter 
so i said that sounds cool ... and asked if she would like to go to the movies 

she said that she would.... but she does not think we have the extra money right now ... so why dont we start off small .. like a movie at home / cuddle ... so i said sounds good 

the next day she came home from work 
and i could see that something wasn't right .. so i asked her whats wrong and she said nothing ... so i asked again .. and she said well i have something i want to ask but i dont know how your going to react .. so i said well just ask ! 

and she went on to ask me if i would mind if she went out to dinner with the guy from work and then to a movie .. just so they could have alone time and hang out .. but just as friends !! .. so i got p!ssed off .. and told her yes i mind 
and that i don't like the whole thing .. and that i dont understand how we cant go out on a date because we dont have the money ... but she has no problem in spending money to go "" HANG OUT "" with another guy 
she then went on to tell me that i have nothing to worry about 
and they are just friends 

i broke down and un-loaded alot and i told her that i cant keep feeling like this .. me and our daughter cant keep coming second to other people .. and i told her she is a married woman .. with a kid .. and if she feels like she needs alone time to hang out with another guy then things are not working out .... and i am not going to keep putting my self through this [email protected] 

she said that i have a big problem with trust and i should trust her .. nothing is going to happen and i am pushing her away 

i told her that trust isn't just a work and its not something that people can just give .. you have to earn it 

she said that she knows that its not right ..and that she has been pushing me and our daughter away and she is going to try 
well last night she wanted me to put on a movie
not even 10 mins in to the movie her phone started to go off 
i looved over and she was texting the guy at work ( i know because she had no problem telling me ) 
i asked if to turn the f#####g phone off and it would be nice to just spend some time together with out the damn thing going off every 5 mins
she said ok .. and she turned it off 

then she asked me what my problem was and i told her that all i wanted to do was spend some time with her .. just me and her and no carl .. just one night where she didnt feel the need to put our time on hold so she could talk to him 
and again she said i was being silly and there is nothing to worry about .... a few hours ago i got a text from here and this is what it said

-----------------------------------------

hey bbe 
i no you dont want me to hang out with @@@
but he is going to give me a ride home today 
i told him we can hang out so we are going to hit the 
movies and get something to eat i no your going to be upset
but you need to get over the past 
not sure what time i will be home i might just crash at his place 
and he can take me to work tomorrow 
give anne a kiss from me and tell her mom loves here 
gtg xox 

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i have called her / sent her a txt back .. but her cell is off 
i just feel p!ssed off and mad i guess 

does anyone here think i am over reacting .. i have no one else to talk to about this .. so i feel lost and alone in the whole thing


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

She is walking all over you.

You need to set/discover your boundaries, and enforce them.

All those things she is telling you about you having trust issues, are all BS to manipulate you and put you where she wants you.

Even if my W and I were on the best of terms, I would not let her go out to dinner and a movie with another guy. Not in a 'you can't do that', but in 'I am not Ok with that, and you have to respect your husband's wishes'.

In your case, she avoids you and wants to hang out with the other guy? In my book that's totally unacceptable.

You could try marriage counseling. But first you need to earn the respect of your wife. Read the 'Man Up' threads, to get some pointers.

My guess, she is outright cheating on you with this guy. And before you do anything, you have to decide what your actions would be if she were. Find out if she is cheating or not. And then decide if you want to save your marriage.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

It doesn't sound good. It sounds like she has feelings for this guy. However, I do know from experience that a woman can be best friend's with a guy and just enjoy being best friends. If this was her girlfriend would you care?? Sometimes we can't help who our best friends are. I have always been better friends with guys and my current good friend in the town I live in is a guy. We do like to hang out together and get out of the house by going to eat together. My husband doesn't seem to like to do anything, ever....so when I want to get out of the house, my friend and I go together. It has caused some problems, but I think my h needs to learn to trust me. I have never given him any reason not to trust me. Just trying to show you that there are cases where it is not a sexual relationship and it is not cheating.

I think you need to ask her questions without getting angry. Discuss your feelings with her. Maybe counseling. I think the more angry you are, the more you are driving her away. She may be having an affair, or she may just need a friend. But, that could easily turn into an affair if she feels like she is being driven there by you. Then, it's easy to convince yourself that it is the others person's fault for "making" you cheat.

Do you and her go out together??? Without your daughter??? Find a babysitter and get out of the house! Go to supper, go to movies, do the things she is doing with this other guy! Maybe she just wants a break.

Just my opinion

Oh, and I agree that she has to earn your trust back since she has already been in an affair. But has she??? In the 4 years since that affair has she earned your trust???? Or have there been other things like this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your kidding right?

No dude, your under reacting!

Do you really want to live like this? This girl, and I mean girl b/c she is not a women by any mean by the way she treats her family. I suggest you take your kid and divorce this women. You will for sure find another women that will respect you far more then your so called wife.

I don't think you've noticed but there is a pattern here and you will for sure run into this again and again. Once your "wife" and I use the term loosely, breaks up with her boyfriend she will find some one else and years from now you will be going through the same crap.

You are so being managed by her its sick she uses the word like "trust" and "silly" and "controlling" and you submit tring to be a nice guy, but your a door mat.

If you want to fight then stand up and yes be controlling....controlling your marriage to protect it. Ask her if she wants to be married and if the answer is yes then tell her the ground rule, and if she does not except your ground rules then you don't need to be with her and move on.

So please stop being managed and stand up...enough is enough here.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> Your kidding right?
> 
> No dude, your under reacting!
> 
> ...


Exactly this!!

I did the same thing you're doing with my first husband and I accounted that to being young and stupid. You go through the feelings of "She's my wife, I should trust her". Later in life I realized that it was all verbal abuse. She's gently controlling you and manipulating your thoughts. NO it is NOT alright if she "crashes at his place". Are you serious? I hope you locked her out. Sorry but you need to stand up for yourself because no one else will. 

Get mad and take control of your marriage. If she's serious about making this work then if he is JUST a friend, then it shouldn't be a problem with her cutting him out of her life. The moment she fights for him, then it isn't JUST a friend.

I commend you for being there for your daughter... God reading your story gave me flashbacks of my sham of a first marriage. I needed a kick in the azz to wake up and smell the sh!t... think it's time you did too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

elite,
Do not get discouraged here, we are all tring to give you a wake up call, it is our experience that we bring to the table.

Trust me I understand the hurt and emptiness, but nothing will change if you don't take the action needed. You will for sure feel pain but once you find the direct you need you will no longer feel lost.

The feeling of being lost is you have not made a plan to correct your life. You can't control your wife so don't try, but you can control yourself and what you will tolorate, stop empowering your wife by begging for the marriage. Empower your self by making the changes in your self....for your self and not for her. Invite her along but with *your* boundries under your terms

Boundries are the walls we put up to protect us from getting hurt again and again. They are not to control your wife but to protect you.

Please, you will find your way once you make the choice to better your self and and set up the boundries for your life, making these boudries non negotable not only to your wife but in all your relationships.

Once you start working on your self the rest will fall into place being still married to your W or not it wont matter, what will matter is you being a better man for you and your kid.

Work on your self, once you are better then you can work on your marraige. Go work out, start a hobby and spend all the time in the world with you daughter. Make a plan and work the plan. Start a journel...this helped me alot and it will help you find your way.


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## Mildly Lost (Jun 29, 2011)

Sounds a lot to me like you're living the married life, and she's living divorced. If what you say is true, this girl is nuts! She is so obviously dating this other man, it's not even funny. 

Like someone else said above, it's time to take your kid and leave. Your wife is just trying to be divorced without the stigma. Didn't she mention that before? The Christmas thing? To add insult to injury, she feels the need to drag you through the dirt and lead you on. 

If you're not planning on getting a divorce yet, get a girlfriend. Go meet some people. Don't take it too far, but show your wife how it feels, because she doesn't seem to understand otherwise. She sounds like the type of person that would instantly be jealous, and might stop being with her guy for a while, but of course, it would happen again. If you're a passive person, though, you can just skip all the fight-fire-with-fire stuff, and separate.

Your ultimate goal, in my opinion, should be divorce... ASAP. It might be tough to gather the courage at first, but try to think of it as doing it for your daughter's sake. Not to mention, you need to be happy as well. She's having all this fun and making you miserable at the same time. Can you live the rest of your life like this? If the thing about stress reducing your life expectancy is true, then she may literally be shaving years off your life.

You are not in the _slightest_ way overreacting. I would be up in arms if I were in your situation. What she is doing is NOT cool by any stretch of the word. 

I don't know you at all, but just judging by the fact that you care enough about your daughter and marriage to post here, I know you deserve better. Much better.

Good luck, man. Wish you the best.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Please react more. She is cheating on you. She is disrespecting you. If you don't do something, it will continue and you will be way more miserable than you are right now.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

I'm not advising you to do this, but comparing to how I would react, you are not overreacting. 

If I had gotten the text, she (he in my case) would have came home to their stuff boxed and on the front lawn with the locks changed. 

Sorry, but after knowing how you feel about going and then going anyhow. Then having the nerve to say they may just crash at his house. No way! She has a daughter at home to take care of. You don't just crash at a friends house, you aren't single with no responsbilities and in high school anymore.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

You are definitely under- reacting , I'd have hit the f*cking roof.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Hate to say it but it sounds like you're already to late, sounds like she doesn't want to be a wife and mom and has checked out. I tried to let my wife be "friends" with other men, what harm could an occasional lunch or horse ride with a male friend come to? When she asked me if it was OK for her and one of these "friends" to go away for a long weekend trip I finally put my foot down, to late though. She left me and the kids and with in a couple weeks was introducing her "friend" to her family. 

You told her you didn't want her going on a date with this guy (which is what dinner and a movie is) yet she is going anyway, and to even suggest possibly spending the night at his place, seriously? How much more proof do you need? She is spitting in your mouth with disrespect. Pack her stuff for her, save her the trouble. 

Look at her history, do you see a pattern here? At this point could you ever trust her again? If she comes home late are you going to believe she was out shopping? Is this how you want to live your life?


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