# Is part of the appeal of porn the fantasy of power?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm a woman who watches porn on a semi-frequent basis and what's occurred to me lately is that a lot of the porn I see is men not INTERACTING with the woman in the scene but CONQUERING her. It's not rape, exactly, because the woman is, apparently, consenting to it (they are not ENJOYING, just consenting), but there is a definite quality to it where the man gets to do whatever he wants and what he frequently wants to do is something equal to or on the verge of violence and humiliation. It's not just about getting off, it is about having physical power over her. 

Which makes me wonder, when men who have no problem getting sex in their marriage prefer to masturbate to porn, could it be in part because they feel they lack power in their marriage? Is the fantasy of having physical power over a woman part of the appeal?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

There are so many different types of porn that you may just be watching a small percentage of the categories. I actually do not enjoy the so-called 'rape' porn and it doesn't do anything for me. 

Female dom stuff can be cool for a change of pace, too. The opposite end of the spectrum.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh come on, porn just helps us men whack off and that's it


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Most of the porn I see has the woman actively engaged and apparently enjoying herself.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Most of the porn I see has the woman actively engaged and apparently enjoying herself.


Much of the popular porn the female is just taking it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Oh come on, porn just helps us men whack off and that's it



Truer words have never been spoken.:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

I only view porn because my wife is LD vanilla and does nothing about it, so I go crazy and need my release. My occasional viewing of porn will never stop unless she gets a sex drive and makes it fun, like most women here are doing.

Can't deny a man sex, just like you can't deny a woman emotional support and closeness.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm over porn, it's so cliche.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't think it would be possible to say "why" every husband watches porn or what he gets out of it. Neither would it be possible to say "why" every woman watches it, either. Some people do definitely have power play fantasies...but the same people might have furry tastes too.

It is a long rabbit hole to try to figure out why people have which fantasies.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sexual mismatches, simple as that.


HD hubby and a LD wifee = porn on hubby's part

LD hubby and HD wifee = EA, PA and maybe porn on wifee's part


If hubby and wifee were sexual matches and similar with adventurous sex, different stories, like how happy they both are.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm a woman who sometimes watches the same type of porn. I have zero interest in being raped/conquered but for some reason I do enjoy watching porn that has a power-trip slant. But sometimes I also ask H to pull my hair or hold me down strongly. It's just a fantasy. No worries.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I much prefer to watch vintage 80s/90s porn, the more modern glamour porn is rubbish and is basically about women "taking it", some "seem" to be enjoying it but watch the eyes and especially when they penetrate the other hole hard, she aint liking that so much but the drugs and booze and a few dollars tell her she needs to take it.

Turned right off anal glamour porn movies too, it aint about opening her up and pumping her a55 in some pleasurable way it is just about defiling her and in a very unrealistic way too.

One thing I have gotten into though is this whole amateur porn thing, no fake boobs just real people getting their rocks off and being filmed too. Much more realistic and enjoyable. :smthumbup:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

firebelly1 said:


> It's not rape, exactly, because the woman is, apparently, consenting to it (they are not ENJOYING, just consenting),


It might be hard for some to enjoy it, when they are always having to get their rectum and vagina, repaired.


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## ladywillow (Oct 31, 2013)

I watch porn probably 5-6 times a week, sometimes with my H and sometimes without him. I enjoy a LOT of power play when viewing because I fantasize about it. My H was in the military, so I love videos that deal with authority figures conquering the female characters. It might be sad, but I view them just as props in my fantasies. These fantasies frequently spill over to our bedroom too. 

I agree with one of the posters though, it is hard to tell why people do or fantasize about the things they do. For me, I like the feeling of my H "conquering" me. It's like in the movie Titanic, I'd rather be my H's ***** than anyone else's wife. I dunno, that's just my view on it. :smthumbup:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Sexual mismatches, simple as that.
> 
> 
> *HD hubby and a LD wifee = porn on hubby's part
> ...


Can you back this up with any evidence? IME this statement is simply untrue.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Holland said:


> Can you back this up with any evidence? IME this statement is simply untrue.


I think it is just a simplification of a more complex situation with a perceived solution...:scratchhead:

Ok - I hear this a lot from HD men with LD wives. Basically "I want more sex but she won't accommodate me so I will get it through porn."

They say they don't want to cheat ( good choice ) so they will use porn to meet their needs ( bad choice )

Personally I have come to feel that porn gets in the way of a man finding his true sexual nature. Instead of finding out what he is like sexually, he watches other people act out someone else's (the porn director's ) fantasy.

Meanwhile by diverting his attention, his energy, and his tastes to porn he sets up more road blocks to finding his own true sexual nature. But he thinks he is meeting his needs, because he is having regular orgasms, but all he is really doing is wandering down a path which leads nowhere.

He is also not challenging his wife to overcome her disinterest in nourishing the relationship, or perhaps he is allowing himself to stay in a relationship which will never improve.

FaithfulWife has written on her blog about the levels of sexual interest. Personally I think that guys who use porn, rather than have sex, have a falsely elevated sexual interest level, and in fact are naturally at a lower sexual interest level than they think they are. Their level is falsely elevated by their porn use.

This in part is where the confusion starts to multiply. A guy watches porn, he is excited, his sexual energy rises, he feels better about himself, and thus he comes (I know...) to the conclusion that porn must be good.

But has he had real sex? No. Has he done anything to improve his chances of having sex? No, of course not.

All he has done is waste his sexual energy, and wandered a little further away from his own true self.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

To me, the first thing porn has going for is it never rejects me, except when my internet connection is down, and I don't blame porn for that. The second thing is it has a voyeuristic quality many porn watchers enjoy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

ladywillow said:


> I watch porn probably 5-6 times a week, sometimes with my H and sometimes without him. I enjoy a LOT of power play when viewing because I fantasize about it. My H was in the military, so I love videos that deal with authority figures conquering the female characters. It might be sad, but I view them just as props in my fantasies. These fantasies frequently spill over to our bedroom too.
> 
> I agree with one of the posters though, it is hard to tell why people do or fantasize about the things they do. For me, I like the feeling of my H "conquering" me. It's like in the movie Titanic, I'd rather be my H's ***** than anyone else's wife. I dunno, that's just my view on it. :smthumbup:


This isn't the kind of conquering I'm talking about. I mean the kind of porn where the woman is just a body with holes that the man can stick his thing in as hard as he can and then cum all over her face; where the woman is just really of no consequence or thought.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> To me, the first thing porn has going for is it never rejects me, except when my internet connection is down, and I don't blame porn for that. The second thing is it has a voyeuristic quality many porn watchers enjoy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I'm coming at this as a HD wife who was getting rejected on a regular basis when I initiated but knew that he was masturbating to porn several times a week. Why does a man who has a more than willing and able wife choose porn instead of her?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Why does a man who has a more than willing and able wife choose porn instead of her?




Because then he doesn't have to explore his own sexuality - he can vicariously enjoy someone elses sexuality.

Porns biggest appeal is the variety available. You should check out the yourbrainonporn web site. It has a lot of good information.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> The first thing porn has going for is it never rejects me



I am going to start collecting dumb reasons why porn is okay. This will be number one...


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I am going to start collecting dumb reasons why porn is okay. This will be number one...


Dumb maybe but also true. I'd like to hear why OP's hubby turns to porn when she is willing and able, that would be MY dumb excuse numero uno. I've thought about it and can't really come up with anything except massive insecurity or shame preventing intimacy with another human.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Why is it dumb to understand why a person who is constantly shut down and rejected sexually would find free stimulation and release attractive?

Porn provides the sensation of watching people have sex. Its arousing. Its faster than thinking the scenario in your head while masturbating.

The residents of this board are largely those trying to make due in ****ty sexual situations with spouses that do whatever they can to avoid a sexual encounter. I cant place blame on a person for trying to adapt.

(Of course I realize that there is a huge range of porn users and indeed those that choose porn over a willing spouse. I'm not talking about those people.)


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## nicky3791 (Jan 21, 2013)

I went to IC yesterday and we talked a little about my husbands LD and his past/current addiction to porn. She said him watching porn wasnt about sex. I was like, wth?? What is it about then? She said its the same with any addiction, it releases dopamine and endorphins when he watches it.

My thoughts were, he watches it because it is just simpler for him than coming to me. He can have it at 5am when I am out cold, and he doesnt have to exert himself (he is obese), and he doesnt have to try to please me, or feel embarrassed about himself. 

Porn, to a man with issues, is just easier. Simple as that.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> Why does a man who has a more than willing and able wife choose porn instead of her?


 IMO, Its an intimacy issue. They lack the emotions to be able to connect on a emotional intimate basis. Also, porn, drugs, alcohol etc, are objects, No one connects with an object, you don't have too, theres no emotional bond to share. You can use, it, look at it, and be done. Porn, drugs and alcohol will never reject anyone, like a real human being can. Men who truly know how to emotionally connect with their wives, usually don't choose porn, over a real person.


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I guess I'm coming at this as a HD wife who was getting rejected on a regular basis when I initiated but knew that he was masturbating to porn several times a week. Why does a man who has a more than willing and able wife choose porn instead of her?


I've wondered about this as well (I've seen complaints about this on other forums). I'm a high libido guy, and the behavior didn't make sense at all to me. I've seen the term "lazy lover syndrome" used to describe it.

My leading theory is that many of these men may actually have low testosterone. They still have a libido, but the low testosterone makes it very difficult to do anything that requires physical exertion. Also, a high percentage of the complaints from women are also cases were the guy has performance issues. In some of these cases, the woman berated her husband when this happened. Porn offers an emotionally safe, low risk, and low energy sexual outlet. 

For the general phenomenon of domination porn, I suspect that some of that is driven by the common feeling of powerlessness that men can have when dealing with women. There can be a feeling of being at their mercy. When it comes to dating and sexuality, women can seem to be in control much of the time. The domination porn may be a fantasy opportunity of role reversal, and to some extent, revenge. I'm not saying that this is a healthy way to deal with it, but that this may be an explanation.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Revel said:


> I suspect that some of that is driven by the common feeling of powerlessness that men can have when dealing with women.


Then it sounds like they are with the wrong woman. If people feel powerless in a relationship due to the other person, then thats not a healthy or productive relationship.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Oh come on, porn just helps us men whack off and that's it


RD is probably right. Personally, though, nothing compares to what my SO and I create in our own heads, so we have no time nor use for watching that stuff.


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Then it sounds like they are with the wrong woman. If people feel powerless in a relationship due to the other person, then thats not a healthy or productive relationship.


Or lonely men who aren't in a relationship. Maybe they aren't very attractive, or maybe they are socially inept. Whatever the reason, they may feel powerless when it comes to relationships with women, and there may be some resentment.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am not a huge fan of porn but when I do, it is not to fantasize about being in power. It is the simple pleasure of looking at an attractive woman and getting off thinking about her. Nothing all that interesting.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I guess I'm coming at this as a HD wife who was getting rejected on a regular basis when I initiated but knew that he was masturbating to porn several times a week. Why does a man who has a more than willing and able wife choose porn instead of her?


The fantasy flesh looks better than the real flesh feels. My wife is attractive and likely could be HD but I prefer porn. I've seen all she has to offer and over the years it gets very monotonous. Sure I'm betting she feels the same about my looks/moves but really at this point the porn is very fulfilling with a fraction of the work. And it's always evolving with endless beauty. Real sex can't compete. I know it's sad but for me, it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FLman (Nov 6, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Which makes me wonder, when men who have no problem getting sex in their marriage prefer to masturbate to porn, could it be in part because they feel they lack power in their marriage? Is the fantasy of having physical power over a woman part of the appeal?


Not really, I think in general when guys watch porn is out of need, stress, reward or a change of pace. Sometimes men do not want to interact with their wives as in their eye its takes more effort, they have to go through the process as women do not have an on/off switch like me, unfortunately porn is like fastfood, but gives very little satisfaction or bring much into the marriage!

If a woman has all her needs meet and she happens to be high drive and has a husband that can satisfy her then yes perhaps there is excitement in overpowering the wife, but it takes tremendous trust, openness and closeness, so it ends up being a type of role playing or fantasy!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Being in a relationship takes a certain amount of work and effort. Porn takes none of that. If someone does not want to try to connect, work at and put forth effort 
in learning to be close to their partner, then they probably have no business being married or in a serious relationship. Of course this is based on people who prefer porn
to being sexually connected and motivated to want to be with their spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Now that I think about it, some of the porn that I saw made me uncomfortable.

I didn't watch it, but the popups and sidebars showed stuff that was clearly meant to simulate actual rape as best as they could. Total humiliation of the woman with little emphasis on even the man's sex drive or needs. Just as much degradation as possible.

I did go from mild stuff to hardcore over the course of several years. Now I've stopped.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

For me, no, porn has zero to do with power.
The only time I watch it is when the wife is unavailable, but even then I'd much rather be watching her doing something sexy - but she's already said NO to that idea. Which sucks.
Having said that, more often than not, I'm simply watching porn to find out what other people are capable of - MASSIVE insertions etc. I don't find it "erotic" but more "WOW".


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

herblackwings said:


> The fantasy flesh looks better than the real flesh feels. My wife is attractive and likely could be HD but I prefer porn. I've seen all she has to offer and over the years it gets very monotonous. Sure I'm betting she feels the same about my looks/moves but really at this point the porn is very fulfilling with a fraction of the work. And it's always evolving with endless beauty. Real sex can't compete. I know it's sad but for me, it works.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you SERIOUS??? :scratchhead: 

I don't know what to say...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

There are as many reasons people watch porn as there are people who watch porn. 

I personally have a very feminine bent in what I find exciting. No power play, no rape, no pretending to enjoy something you clearly don't like. No cumming on your face, boobs, or other body parts. There's a lot that I personally find mildly to very disturbing about some kinds of pornography, but I certainly won't pretend to speak for the motivations or predilections of others.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> Are you SERIOUS??? :scratchhead:
> 
> I don't know what to say...


Then the best course of action would probably be to say nothing at all.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> There are as many reasons people watch porn as there are people who watch porn.
> 
> I personally have a very feminine bent in what I find exciting. No power play, no rape, no pretending to enjoy something you clearly don't like. No cumming on your face, boobs, or other body parts. There's a lot that I personally find mildly to very disturbing about some kinds of pornography, but I certainly won't pretend to speak for the motivations or predilections of others.


Agreed. Most of my porn watching is women masturbating or webcam stuff where I know they are willing participants.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> Agreed. Most of my porn watching is women masturbating or webcam stuff where I know they are willing participants.


When a male does voluntary withdrawal during missionary he will cum on her belly. Now she's saying that's degrading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Read this somewhere in response to porn...

Access to dreams, fantasies, expectations, beliefs, inexpensively, quickly, and without rejection.

Just want to say. A healthy person engaging in porn has as many reasons as there are fantasies. Some seek power that they are lacking, some seek dominance in fantasy, others are voyeurs and some just plan curious, an even greater few can see art in it creating an illusion to what's going on and how events are playing out...

And flip side, I don't take an 
"anti-porn" stance on here simply because there's enough people on this forum who pump the same reasons for its overall negative effect. But, I will put forth a newer (yet less than circumstantial) example. Look at Japan and it's declining population. In articles and a documentary I've read/seen, users of porn/dating sim technology blames society for its need and ever increasing products.

I still stand to say, nothing is wrong with anyway one person spends their time, as long as it's legal. If it's an addiction, the addict has to decide for themselves to seek help.

Now must I say, porn, right or wrong is a redundant argument on this forum.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> I am not a huge fan of porn but when I do, it is not to fantasize about being in power. It is the simple pleasure of looking at an attractive woman and getting off thinking about her. Nothing all that interesting.


I feel pretty much the same as the above. 

I would choose my wife over porn everyday.

Woman might feel unimpressed with being accessed the way porn is accessed. Well that's my impression anyway.

I think porn might be a way men psychologically fulfill their animal brute desires without crossing modern civilized societies codes of conduct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

WadeWilson said:


> Read this somewhere in response to porn...
> 
> Access to dreams, fantasies, expectations, beliefs, inexpensively, quickly, and without rejection.
> 
> ...


Very good post ^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Everyone has different reasons for watching porn. Personally, I watch it for the fantasy aspect. I'm a pretty big guy and I like small, petite women; my wife is petite. Typically, the only type of porn I watch are those with my favorite adult actresses, which are petite, very active, take charge women in the bedroom. 

During sex, I couldn't care less about assuming a position of power; in fact, I love it when a woman dominates me... and I don't mean whips and chains, just taking charge and doing what feels good for her. There's nothing more hot than a woman jumping on top because she desires you.

With porn, of course, you have to know when to turn it off. Porn is good with moderation, and you have to be able to separate fantasy from reality.


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