# uncomfortable dating situation



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi guys. I'm currently dating a man long distance (we're in different states a few hours by flight from one another). We met online initially about 5 months back, and have talked on the phone since then. We met up for the first time 6 weeks ago when he flew to see me, and we spent a weekend together in my city. He was very sweet and polite. He stayed in a hotel while he visited me. I just recently went to see him in his city, and he told me that I could stay at his place as he had a spare bedroom (as we are not yet sleeping together). I did that and it was nice. He was sweet as usual, bringing me flowers, planning out a fun weekend for me and I had a great time. We are not yet in a committed relationship (as we've had 2 extended dates), nor have we talked about being exclusive yet. However, there was a good deal of hugging and affection (arm around shoulder, hand on leg etc), mostly initiated by him though we both did. Both of us have been divorced previously, and have only had 1-2 sexual partners each in past. He knows I don't move fast sexually, as was totally okay with this and didn't pressure me at all. We are both in our mid to late 30s. 

There were a few things that bothered me though and I don't know how to address it with him. One of the things that got to me was that he'd leave me alone at his place for extended periods of time without telling me what he was doing. I didn't mind when he had to briefly leave for a business thing (he left me alone less than an hour), and I had a book with me... so it was no big deal. But it bothered me, when he'd text me in the morning (yes, we texted from our own rooms) that he'd just gotten up and would brush his teeth and meet me shortly.... and then didn't come out of his room for over 1.5 hour. Similarly, that night we were watching tv in the living room, and he told me he'd shower and be right back... and then I didn't hear from him for 2.5 hours. I had already given up on him and had just went into my room planning on going to bed. I knocked on his door twice. One of those times it seemed like I might have faintly heard his voice in the background. Don't know if it was him on the phone or if I was just hearing things. When he came out 2.5 hours later, I gave him a slight look (trying to keep my emotions in check) and was like "Wow, did you have a 2 hour shower?" And he was like "Nah, I just fell asleep. But now I want to hang out with you." We did watch a movie together then, but I was really weirded out by his leaving me for extended periods alone in his place without knowing what was up. I felt like a very low priority to him in those moments, and it was embarrassing for me to be knocking on his bedroom door without him opening it (though he claimed he hadn't heard me knocking).

Another issue was that once when we were out together, we almost ran into one of his friends, and he freaked out and was worried about how he'd introduce me if we were to see them. He hasn't introduced me to any of his good friends yet, nor have I done the same... as we were meeting in each other's cities for the first time. However, I have told a few people about him. He told me he wouldn't have any issue introducing me as his date to his work colleagues or casual acquaintances. Although he didn't want to introduce me to anyone in his immediate circle (in our ethnic community) as they tend to be huge gossips and would be asking about me in future, even if things didn't work out between us, and then he'd have to explain to them about why things didn't work out etc.. so he would just prefer them to not know about me until we were official. I was a bit weirded out, though I did say that he could refer to me as a friend if it was such a big issue. 

We haven't talked about these issues since I returned to my city a few days ago. But it bothers me, and I am feeling a bit withdrawn from him as those few instances made me feel like I don't matter all that much to him. I don't know if he was talking to family or another girl or whatever. I know he's not in another committed relationship. However, he did update his online dating profile since he saw me after coming to my city. So I know I'm basically an option for him and not a priority, as I take it. I think I should give someone a break about falling asleep, as it happens to all of us at some point; however, he already forgot to call me once the prior week when he was planning to and stated he had fallen asleep at that time. So I don't think 2 excuses of falling asleep in one week is acceptable. I'm feeling more distant from him, and (even though I really like him as we have a great intellectual connection and shared sense of humor) think I'd also like to spend more time talking to other men since I'm not feeling that important to him right now. He's my favorite guy by far, so it's hard to keep talking to other people, but I will do so until he brings up getting exclusive. He previously has told me that I'm important and that my happiness means a lot to him. But he sees himself as more easy-going, and probably me a bit more high-strung and sensitive. I don't know if am being high-strung on the above issues, or whether others would see this as a problem as well. Any perspective would be great. Thank you!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Toss this one back. The 2.5 shower and "falling asleep" is just plain weird. There's really no excusing that. I think he's just not that into you and regardless of what he was doing in the bedroom, you need someone who wants to take a 2.5 MINUTE shower because they can't wait to get back to see you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's either married, or he's spending all that time texting other women he's met online. People that are really in love crave the other's company and don't want to be apart for a second. 
You're being played, or he's a weirdo.
You are feeling strange because his behavior is strange.
Dump, move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I'm wondering how actively be is dating locally if he was weird about introducing you. Also, probably was on the phone with another woman during his "nap". 
You're not comfortable with him for a reason, don't ignore it, and don't waste anymore of your time.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I wouldn't waste anymore time on this guy. He clearly has other things on his mind and unfortunately it wasn't you, during your visit. I would be willing to bet the brief business meeting was more of an excuse to leave... I would believe that spill, if he hadn't left you alone for a total of 4hrs in one day (one in morning, then later on). There's for sure other women (or a woman of interest) and I'm willing to bet that you aren't at the top of his liking. I would go with your intuition and not address this, just move on.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Forget him.

Do you know this was his apartment? 
My first thoughts: he is married and this was a friend's apartment or something. His absence was talking to his spouse about how his business trip was going.

Move on and don't look back.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, your date was displaying some odd behaviors. However, you had originally planned to meet with another man in the area during the weekend you were going to see this one. Neither of you are behaving as if the other is top priority. Neither of you seems to be consistently acting in such a way as to give the other any reason to imagine there's any exclusivity, or even a genuine wish for exclusivity. 

It honestly just doesn't sound like the two of you are a compatible match. Find another gentleman, perhaps one geographically closer to you. Find a guy whom you are so into you can't imagine scheduling another date during your weekend together, and who can't imagine leaving you alone for hours during a visit with no explanation and wants to introduce you to his friends.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

If this guy is already exhibiting behaviors that "bother" you THIS EARLY, it's time to throw this one back! 

In all honesty, what MORE do you need to know about him other than what you've already told us in order to make a sound decision about him?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Trust your gut on this one. This behaviour IS odd, and like some others here have said, is either just odd, or suspicious, or both. He did not have a shower for 2.5 hours. Sorry. As married folk who have been through some bumps (hence why we are on this forum), trust us when we say, this is not a path you want to go down.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If that’s his best first impression, can you imagine what 6 months of dating this guy will look like? Lol
I say…move on. If you’re already seeing red flags, they will only get redder.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, you have 9 replies saying the same thing, and every subsequent post to this thread will say the same thing. 

He could have a drug habit, and that is why he disappeared. That also would explain him not opening the door when you knocked. 

Are you sure it was HIS apartment you stayed at and not a friend's? He might have been calling his wife because he was supposed to be on a "business trip". That would explain why he freaked out when you thought he might be seen with you. A normal person would just say " John, I would like to you to meet rks1. She is visiting from _____ city., Rks1, John is good friend of mine. We used to work together." Bad example, but you get my point.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like he's married or in a relationship. 

Was the trip his idea or yours?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know he is divorced several years ago. He was in a relationship with a woman 2 years ago who he really loved and wanted to marry... though he told me they haven't been in contact since then, after she left him.

I do know that it is his house, so there isn't any doubt on that one either. I don't think he is on any drugs. He's very bright and high-functioning with a successful career. There isn't any doubt on this part.

I agree with you all that his behavior was odd... as being away from me for so many hours isn't good. I know that he is still active on the dating site, so him talking to another girl is a definite possibility. I've casually talked to other people as well... but I like him more than anyone else by far, and was really previously thinking that we might have had potential. However, when I was at his place I was definitely not talking to any other person, as my full focus was on him... but it seemed like he was diverted in different directions. I guess it may be possible that he likes another girl far more than me.... though it's hard for me to wrap my head around him wanting to hug me over and over, if he likes someone else more than me (though I'm probably being naive). He's only had 2 real romantic relationships in his life, so I don't get the impression of him being a player type... though I know we are not yet exclusive.

As far as the business issue goes - I should clarify. He was actually helping with a friend's business as his buddy is having some problems managing his business and is needing help with setting up this facility. So he really went out to help a friend as opposed to take care of his own personal work stuff. Although I'm glad he helps his buddies, I think it could have waited for one day until I left if I was a priority to him. Especially considering the fact that we've been apart for weeks, and I was really excited about seeing him again.

He was excited about his trip to see me in January, and excited when I booked a flight to see him in early February. I don't know if he met someone else or not in the last few weeks. He was calling more often earlier (a few times a week) but now it has cut down to once a week or so recently with an occasional text here or there. So I definitely don't think he's in love with me. Sometimes when we would be together, he'd make future oriented comments making me think he wanted a future with me. So there is a bit of a discrepancy between his words or actions. In the past when I'd question him about him forgetting to call or whatnot... he told me that I should give him the benefit of the doubt, as he would prove to me that he was sincere. However, I don't see why he keeps putting me in a situation to doubt him again and again.

I really do love the time we share together, as we have a strong intellectual connection and good sense of humor together and love to joke and play around with each other. He has also told me that his time with me has been amazing as well. We are also both affectionate and like to hug each other. But it seems the emotional connection/empathy/understanding/compassion/prioritization of me isn't where it should be. I don't have any further plans to meet up with him at this time.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

A call once a week, a text here and there. That's very minimal contact, I would say his attention is elsewhere. He may like you but the interest hasn't stopped him from updating his profile and continuing to search through options. You are an option and not his choice. There's a difference and you deserve better.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Here's the thing I don't get about this (and I don't mean it in a negative way towards the OP), but each of you has spent good money to fly out for visits, yet there's not even a hint of exclusivity?

I'd get it if it was local, and each person was going out on dates with others here and there, but not this.

I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't particularly want any potential future spouse to be playing the field during our early days of courting, especially if one or both parties are being sexually active with others.

My ex wife and I started out pretty casual, seeing each other here and there for the first month or so, and she was seeing somebody else at the same time. I was okay with it then, because I wasn't thinking LTR or marriage. But as we got more serious (after she and I became exclusive) it always bothered me that she was seeing somebody else at the very beginning of our relationship, even though it was rather casual.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

I'll make this very simple. We men are not mind readers! Freakin tell him all this. I guarantee he has no idea. Problem solved


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