# Vulnerable WITH boundaries - the Final Frontier



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

A bit more about me - and a concept that I think will be helpful.

Waking up is painful. Eliminating #3's DOES restore your personal power.

Once it's restored, what should be done?

Think of it this way. Caterpillars tend to get squished. Think of caterpillars as codependents - with no boundaries. Constantly pleasing, seeking approval, and getting stomped on.

At the larval stage, the caterpillar goes into a cocoon. He's finally able to put walls around himself and cuts himself off largely from the outside world to work on himself.

To emerge from the cocoon, he needs to take his new wings and beat himself senseless against the walls he's erected until they crack open.

What emerges?

An airworthy butterfly - replete with amazing power to fly through the air and bring beauty to the world.

Is the butterfly as vulnerable as the caterpillar?

Not really - because the butterfly has the instinct and courage to fly away from danger, he actually has boundaries. Yes, the world can get to the butterfly and hurt it, but the inner beauty of the butterfly transcends those encounters and it has a new ability, which provides able protection against predators.

Think of it this way:

Stop paying her to leave you!

Are you in therapy?

You aren't going to nice anyone out of this.

All of these are encouragement to enter the cocoon and do the hard work of growth.

Stand up to them

Get to 50,000 feet and observe

Get the #3's out of your life!

All of these are invitations to do the hard work while in the cocoon and grow the new wings necessary to fly

The next stage is a bit more fluid, as the butterfly tests its new wings in the world. This can be with the STBX - or in a new relationship.

Yes, some of this testimony is personal, as I realize it's ok to risk being hurt - because a cool, firm, dispassionate course correction is now so easy to administer.

In a climate of mutual respect, we realize the hurts we so feared when we were codependent are not so nearly as debilitating as our childlike fears felt.

And, we know what to do to address them.

Yes, a few tears may flow.

But, you give your partner the space and perspective to address them. I believe this is called trust.

Vulnerable - with boundaries - the goal.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Conrad, where do us newbies find the numerical list that #3s is a part of? Interesting post. I've been a fat catepillar.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Helo, doing stuff without expectations... The opposite of giving to get. 

Live life without giving up #3's, anything else, you are setting yourself up for hell - the life of a co dependent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks, ReG, 

I'm working on that now. It's been a month of doing this and my personal life has improved remarkably. I'm working it.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

You are basically reprogramming yourself... Not an easy task. Don't underestimate it - its natural to you... Its going to be a tough fight. First step is I identifying it and then you'll go on from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is where I'm at. I can do it and it's a beautiful, magical, empowering, sometimes painful (in a good way) experience when I do BUT getting it to stick is a whole other issue. It's so much easier to self medicate, distract, avoid, do anything BUT show my vulnerability. And its in those times when I know its most important that I do so.

It's as if my body is screaming out to live an authentic life and the more I fight it the more it turns on me. Let it out and peace fills me. It's a great feeling. Light and airy as if I have no baggage whatsoever. 

I'm free.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What's a #3?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> What's a #3?


In Anthony DeMello's book "Awareness", he talks about the 3 ways we give pleasure in life:

1) Giving pleasure to ourselves. Spending money on something we want. Pursuing an activity we enjoy. Just for us. We're pleased and satisfied with the result.

2) Giving pleasure to others in a way that satisfies us and/or makes us feel good about ourselves. There's always been a debate regarding Mother Theresa - as some have called her "selfish". She engaged in a lifestyle I would not want, but it worked for her. She gave with no expectation of getting love back or even a thank you. By all reports, she was an extraordinarily serene soul and a happy person. She gave that way for herself - and it made her feel good.

3) (or... #3's) - Giving pleasure to others in a way that makes us feel BAD about ourselves. We usually talk ourselves into allowing someone to cross our boundaries to "keep the peace" or we do something in anticipation of being loved. When the expected result doesn't materialize... or when they don't appreciate us? BOOM... massive anger.

Sound familiar?

Get rid of #3's and increase your personal power and happiness.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> What's a #3?


Follow this link. 

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf

To understand #3s start reading at page 12. 

Then read the whole thing.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Very cool 
Thanks


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