# Husband left. Time to give up hope?



## Bellablue (Jun 5, 2010)

Apologies in advance for the very long post - it is something of a relief to put it all down in words.

Where to start? My husband of 4 years (together for 12) left me last night.

A couple of weeks ago he told me that he didn't know if he loved me anymore and needed to get away for a couple of days to think. He went to his brother's house for a few days, but when he returned things were not improved. Over the last 2 weeks, things have gotten steadily worse with him telling me that after having the space to think, he knew he did not love me anymore and there was just "nothing there". 

This has not come as a surprise to me. Even before we were married our relationship had difficulties. These were mostly caused by my clinginess and lack of a life independent from him. I always knew I was wrong but couldn't put my finger on why I wasn't happy for us to do things separately from each other, even though I know that this is the key to any successful relationship. I promised him that when we were married, things would be different as with a stronger commitment I would no longer have the fear...(of what exactly I'm not sure)

Once we got married, life was not easy. We started out living with my parents as we had no house yet and once we finally got our own space, the problems started. My husband was ill and unable to drive for a year which seriously knocked his self confidence and independence. It also meant he needed to hire someone to help keep his business going as he could not drive himself. This put him into financial difficulties and meant he ended up in a large amount of debt. We came to the decision that the only way out was to sell our house and downsize but this was just before property prices crashed and so we were stuck with it and the constant pressure of trying to make ends meet.

About 6 months after we moved into our house my father was diagnosed with cancer. He died 4 months later. My mother fell to pieces, and I pretty much had to snap into calm mode and deal with everything from the moment he was diagnosed. When he died she was devastated and ended up spending every night in our house - sort of partially moving in. This progressed to her moving in completely at the start of the year. I was not keen for this to happen, as my mother is not the easiest person to live with. My husband was the one who encouraged her to move in with us, even though I knew it would not have a good effect on me. I only have one sibling, who lives overseas and so had noone to help me deal with my mother.

To add to the problems, I have been struggling with OCD for at least 5 years. It got worse and worse to the point where I couldn't even carry out simple everyday tasks without "help" from my husband. I've been miserable with my career and my husband told me how there were nights he used to delay in the driveway before coming home because he couldn't face the dark atmosphere in the house.

I am so ashamed of how I have behaved towards my husband - it's eating me up inside. Ironically, a couple of weeks before my husband told me this I had made a decision to get more independent and snap out of my dark moods. I had just started a new job which gave me great confidence and was beginning to win small battles against my OCD.

Friends of his have recently gone through a marriage breakup (for the second time) and he maintains this was the catalyst for him to speak up. He is still good friends with the female in this relationship and so of course the first thing everyone is asking me is if he is having an affair with her. I have asked him straight out many times and he has said no - saying no to any sort of emotional affair as well. I know that every wronged wife says this but I believe him. This woman is not in a good place emotionally right now and I can't see him going straight from one emotional crisis to another!

I asked my husband for another try and a chance to prove that we could have the marriage we should have had since the start. He agreed to this verbally, but there was always this huge barrier between us. He wouldn't look at me when I talked to him, wouldn't reach out to me in anyway and was just completely closed off. He says he is still physically attracted to me and that he cares about me and knows I am a good person but just knows he would not be able to fall in love with me again. I say that it would take more than a week of "another try" but he maintains that he knows nothing will change.

Initially he had mentioned marriage counseling and I was very scared of this - having to go and admit out loud how awful I'd been over the years. However I thought it might be the only way to save things and so offered to arrange an appointment. However, now he does not even seem to want to do this.

He says he just "wants to be single" and does not want to feel responsible for anyone else. I totally understand this as he has been far too responsible for picking me up for years. My dependance on him must have been suffocating. He also said he needed to see if he'd miss me. Before he left I asked him if this was the end or if he could ever see us working on things in the future. He said "maybe in time" but I think this was more of an attempt to soften the blow of him leaving for me. 

I feel totally lost. I am left here in this house that we built together and shared for the last 3 years surrounded by all his possessions and memories of our marriage. I am terrified that all that is left for me for the rest of my life is just struggling through work each day and looking after my mother. I feel very alone, and have only a couple of close friends who are all happily married with families. 

My only anger with him is that he let this get to the point where our marriage was over before he spoke up. He said he was afraid to tell me - a combination of worrying about all the other stuff that was going on in my life and the fear that I'd try to talk him out of leaving, I guess.

I am devastated that through my own selfish and awful behaviour I have broken him to the point where he no longer will give us another try.

I dont know what to do.


----------



## dan_o (Jun 18, 2010)

wow, your story is very similar to mine and I totally understand what you are feelng. My wife and I seperated 1 year ago (my decision), she moved back home to washington state and I stayed in ontario canada where I am from. We have alwayshad problems mostly because of me not being happy with anything in my life and I guess blaming it on her as she was the main person in my life. we have spent most of the last year trying to get back together and getting me a visa to move to the states. Everything finally fell into place a few weeks ago and i moved out here. 2 days before I left she told me she was having doubts and wasn't sure i should come. I had quit my job and figured she was just gettting nervous. so I came out and here I am, she still says she doesn't want to let me in again. I have only been here a couple days so I'm still holding out hope she will change her mind. But like you the thought of being alone terrifies me, like you I only have a couple good friends who are married with kids, I now have no job and whats worse is that its all my fault because of the way i acted over the years. I feel like I have changed and things will be different this time if she would just let me in, but i also don't blame her for feeling this way. I'm completely lost and don't know what I will do if it doesn't work out. I guess my advice to you is give your husband his space for now and just do your best to stay positive (atleast around him) and show him your commited to change. If it takes a couple weeks or a couple months its only a small time in comparison to the rest of your life. try not to get frustrated and just give up. just stay strong around him and give it your best shot, you don't want to look back and say you didn't give it your best shot. I wish you the best and if you want to talk send me a messege, as I think we can probably relate. take care.


----------



## howdoidothis (Aug 17, 2010)

My husband left me yesterday. 29 Aug 2010 because he couldn't cope seeing my hurt and all the statements i made about his affair. He felt so bad about what he has done to me and he felt that he is an awful person. At the same time he cannot let the other woman go. He left his phone with me because he just does not want to be contacted by me or by the other woman. I am scared and I dunno how I can manage my 2 kids missing him because they are really close to him compared to me. I AM SCARED. He loves his children to bits, will he come back at least for the kids?


----------

