# Things we can do to take our power back. Can you add anything?



## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Hi all,
So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know. I was blindsided. He's an idiot--okay moving on. I thought we could create an action list of things we can do to get our power back. Things WE can decide. I mean I feel like spouse made all the decisions-- decision to cheat (or in my case try to cheat-- one way EA, decided to lie, decided to leave (although I agreed with him and helped him find an apt) So here is a list of things I am doing/trying to take my power back. Things I can decide to do. What can you add to this list??

-As I said helped him find an apartment and agreed with his decision to go
-Don't beg/plead/reason
-Get financials in order
-talk to lawyer
-rearranged my house to make it look different from when we lived here together
-told him I have no interest in being friends when he asked
-Doing no contact (except for business and son-- but keeping it to that topic only and very short)
-Going out with friends/family
-Faking it until I make it (I try to never let him see me sad) I have fallen down and he has seen me MAD. (I prefer mad to sad but he should see nothing)
-Exercise, be strong
-list of things in my life that are still good
-when he comes to pick up son--I am out with friends (busy leading my own life)
-Here's an odd one but I do it (laugh if you will) I remind myself that fabulous beautiful women (like Christie Brinkley) husband cheated on her. So....
-have mantra's (especially right in the beginning) that it will be okay..I will get through this...I will be happy again
-talk to other women who have gotten to the other side of this and thrived

What can you think of? What am I missing?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’re doing great.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Good job!


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## rescueengine (Apr 2, 2021)

Be successful
That means set goals and work towards them. Have detail steps you need to take and a clear definition when you have met that step.

Example:
I want to climb Mt. Washington

Step #1.
Be able to do a a ten mile hike in hilly terrain with a 20 pound pack under X hours.

This will force you to be goal oriented and give you a "can do" attitude. Plus it make you a more attractive person. Who doesn't like people with something interesting going on in their life


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you are 100% awesome and smart !!!

What remains is to get it done quickly and then move forward living your best life. Never give the good years you have remaining away to a cheater. Best life Is the best revenge.

When it’s all said and done find yourself a guy that’s a big bad azz and intimidating to your ex. Nothing like that big man competition to make your ex feel a little smaller 😜


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Forgive, it's very freeing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Be prepared for him to beg to come back, because he likely will at some point.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I think you are 100% awesome and smart !!!
> 
> What remains is to get it done quickly and then move forward living your best life. Never give the good years you have remaining away to a cheater. Best life I’d the best revenge.
> 
> When it’s all said and done find yourself a guy that’s a big bad azz and intimidating to your ex. Nothing like that big man competition to make your ex feel a little smaller 😜


Awe, thanks Mr. Married. I am trying. I like that idea with a big bad ass-- it will be tough though, my H was a 7th degree black belt. I need a man with a black belt in character and sense of humor. I am hoping that if I keep doing the right things the right feelings (or lack thereof) will follow. I hate that I can't get a handle on my feelings.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Forgive, it's very freeing.


True, but so hard. I feel like I am miles away from this at this point.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Be prepared for him to beg to come back, because he likely will at some point.


Cannot agree more. Midlife confusion leading to total destruction of his life. I have been there more times than I can relate. Trying to recapture youth and virility with a younger partner usually makes you look like an old perv. Let me guess; he has traded the SUV for either a motorcycle or convertible. His clothing is now a lot tighter. If he is balding, he has either blown the bank account on hair restoration or is now sporting a chrome dome. (I hate to say this, but guys my age trying to be 21 again are cliches.) 

He is setting himself up for a massive life crisis. He will find himself old and alone faster than one can say Midlife Crisis.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> True, but so hard. I feel like I am miles away from this at this point.


It takes time. It's also a decision not a feeling. But as you say, it's not easy at all. It's worth it though. 
The main thing is to be willing to be willing to forgive.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi all,
> So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know. I was blindsided. He's an idiot--okay moving on. I thought we could create an action list of things we can do to get our power back. Things WE can decide. I mean I feel like spouse made all the decisions-- decision to cheat (or in my case try to cheat-- one way EA, decided to lie, decided to leave (although I agreed with him and helped him find an apt) So here is a list of things I am doing/trying to take my power back. Things I can decide to do. What can you add to this list??
> 
> -As I said helped him find an apartment and agreed with his decision to go
> ...


Be proud of yourself!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi all,
> So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know. I was blindsided. He's an idiot--okay moving on. I thought we could create an action list of things we can do to get our power back. Things WE can decide. I mean I feel like spouse made all the decisions-- decision to cheat (or in my case try to cheat-- one way EA, decided to lie, decided to leave (although I agreed with him and helped him find an apt) So here is a list of things I am doing/trying to take my power back. Things I can decide to do. What can you add to this list??
> 
> -As I said helped him find an apartment and agreed with his decision to go
> ...


How about while he is out trying to bang a 20 year old girl, you actually do bang some younger guys. You probably have a better chance of success.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> Cannot agree more. Midlife confusion leading to total destruction of his life. I have been there more times than I can relate. Trying to recapture youth and virility with a younger partner usually makes you look like an old perv. Let me guess; he has traded the SUV for either a motorcycle or convertible. His clothing is now a lot tighter. If he is balding, he has either blown the bank account on hair restoration or is now sporting a chrome dome. (I hate to say this, but guys my age trying to be 21 again are cliches.)
> 
> He is setting himself up for a massive life crisis. He will find himself old and alone faster than one can say Midlife Crisis.


He does look like a creepy ole perv-- I'm actually a bit embarrassed for him. No new vehicles, but power lifting so (and he literally said this) so she can't resist his muscles (barf emoji here). Yes, doing all he can to preserve the hair. I told him initially (within the first 2 days of finding out) that he will end up alone in his basement apartment with his juice (he green juices) Sad state of affairs.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> How about while he is out trying to bang a 20 year old girl, you actually do bang some younger guys. You probably have a better chance of success.


LOL, Too close to my son's age (15 in a few weeks) but frankly a nice 35-40 year old works (I'm 48- but I look pretty darn good, lol)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Say "no" and nothing else. "No" is a complete sentence and you don't need to explain why.
The only person you can "save" is you...so walk your own path and let them walk their own path.
Associate with people who build you up. People you 'thought' were your friends, you'll find they aren't. People you didn't know were your friends, you'll find they are. Surround yourself with good people.
Let go of blame. You can blame mental illness, his parents, your childhood...whatever. But let that go. If you hold on to figuring out who or what is to blame, it's like clinging to poison. It sucks and it happened. The end.
Trust yourself. In some ways it may feel like "How can I, when the wool was pulled over my eyes and I'm second-guessing everything?" Well actually, YOU had a feeling something was wrong, and even with all the attempts to misdirect you, you were right! When you feel unsure, TRUST YOURSELF.
Be brave enough to walk your path alone. You are strong enough to take the next step...and the next. Just walk.
Think of yourself as smart, funny, and valuable.
Your life is yours to live. Nothing is holding you back--live it.
Make peace with where you are. Instead of thinking " I should be X, Y or Z" just accept that you are where you are. Assess where you are...where you want to be...and steps you can take to get from here to there.
Learn to forgive yourself. A lot of the feelings right now may be anger at your STBX...but mixed right in there is anger at yourself for not seeing it or for allowing yourself to get in this situation. Forgive yourself. Let it go. You did the best you could and lived what you thought was an honest life.
Guard your heart and mind. Your heart is a wellspring of life for those around you, and it is worth guarding! Your mind is the gateway to your actions, so discipline your mind to think of yourself with value.
Put comparisons aside. I am not a 6ft tall, waifer thin ballerina; I'm more like a dwarf in stature and build. But there are places in the world for a sturdy dwarf, and places in the world where that kind of sturdiness is valued. I can't compare to a ballerina because I'm not one. But the ballerina can't compare to me either, because they aren't me. Don't compare yourself to anyone! YOU are YOU.
Learn to be a student. Learn about yourself...study your personality type, your love languages, learn about YOU. Learn about relationships. Learn about mental health. Learn about your chosen spirituality. LEARN!
Every day has sorrows and joys. The sorrow comes and does not last forever. The joy comes and does not last forever. Life keeps turning. So when a sorrow does come, just accept that it's here and it's time to end will come. And when a joy comes, just accept that it's here and it's time to end will also come. Ride it out.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> Say "no" and nothing else. "No" is a complete sentence and you don't need to explain why.
> The only person you can "save" is you...so walk your own path and let them walk their own path.
> Associate with people who build you up. People you 'thought' were your friends, you'll find they aren't. People you didn't know were your friends, you'll find they are. Surround yourself with good people.
> Let go of blame. You can blame mental illness, his parents, your childhood...whatever. But let that go. If you hold on to figuring out who or what is to blame, it's like clinging to poison. It sucks and it happened. The end.
> ...


Love this! Thank you so much-- I will be copying it and re-reading it often. It seems most of my problems are my feelings-not my actions. Thank you.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

thissucks7788 said:


> LOL, Too close to my son's age (15 in a few weeks) but frankly a nice 35-40 year old works (I'm 48- but I look pretty darn good, lol)


Yah just some good looking fit dude. Post lots of pictures on social media. It will be fun. Young guys going for the late 40 year olds is a big thing right now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> LOL, Too close to my son's age (15 in a few weeks) but frankly a nice 35-40 year old works (I'm 48- but I look pretty darn good, lol)


I'll be 48 tomorrow....yay 48!

You are a badass. You've controlled what you can....the feelings will have to work themselves out.

In addition to cutting him off, I'd recommend taking a good hard look at the marriage. You may see that he wasn't as great of a husband as you thought....we overlook a lot of things when we're wearing love goggles. This guy is so desperate to believe he's half his age that he didn't even wait until he had a sure thing.....or he's already banged others. So he's either a moron or a bigger scumbag then you know.

Learn to laugh at how ridiculous he is.....laughter makes everything better. My best friend and I had a text exchange about my ex last night that had us both rolling on the floor 🤣

Now go and find yourself a hot dude in our age bracket that's thrilled to have you!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll be 48 tomorrow....yay 48!
> 
> You are a badass. You've controlled what you can....the feelings will have to work themselves out.
> 
> ...


Love this for so many reasons!!! Even got a good laugh about it. BTW, happy 48th!!!!! xoxoxo

Want to add: I met some of my friends from school over the weekend (who have known both of us for years) She literally asked me and was serious, if I thought he had a brain tumor (I know it isn't funny but we literally laughed b/c he is being that stupid)


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

there a thing called the 180; it's worth a read though








The Pretzel Logic of the 180 - ChumpLady.com


If you’ve spent any time reading the reconciliation literature, you’ll notice a lot of reference to the “180.” She won’t stop seeing her affair partner? “Do the 180!” He still works with his ho-worker? “Do the 180!” What is this powerful 180? It was a concept developed by Michelle Weiner-Davis...




www.chumplady.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> He does look like a creepy ole perv-- I'm actually a bit embarrassed for him. No new vehicles, but power lifting so (and he literally said this) so she can't resist his muscles (barf emoji here). Yes, doing all he can to preserve the hair. I told him initially (within the first 2 days of finding out) that he will end up alone in his basement apartment with his juice (he green juices) Sad state of affairs.


So is he chasing a 20 year old but she isn't interested?


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So is he chasing a 20 year old but she isn't interested?


Yes, do you believe that? She is actually telling him her ex wants her back (I'm not sure if she is just telling him that to keep him at bay or if it is real) He actually sent her a text trying to talk her out of him saying and get this----- he cheated on you and once a cheater always a cheater. I mean...come on dude- have some self awareness (and respect for yourself) I should enjoy his pathetic attempts but somehow I just can't. I did get a momentary chuckle though.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> there a thing called the 180; it's worth a read though
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you--- yes, I like the 180!!! I actually prefer total no contact, but with a son and business together the best I can do is limited contact.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Usually the best thing to in these situations is to NOT act like an idiot as he is, chasing after a partner young enough to be our children. Take the higher path and act with decorum (as I am sure you are right now anyway).Be the better person and the better parent. The one who makes wise decisions. The one who your son can look up to as an example of how to act when painful things happen. 
You seem to be doing well🙂


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes, do you believe that? She is actually telling him her ex wants her back (I'm not sure if she is just telling him that to keep him at bay or if it is real) He actually sent her a text trying to talk her out of him saying and get this----- he cheated on you and once a cheater always a cheater. I mean...come on dude- have some self awareness (and respect for yourself) I should enjoy his pathetic attempts but somehow I just can't. I did get a momentary chuckle though.


You couldn't make it up could you. There is he wanting to cheat and he is warning her about her cheating ex. 
Is she at his work? She could report him for harassment. In fact she should. 😲


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you--- yes, I like the 180!!! I actually prefer total no contact, but with a son and business together the best I can do is limited contact.


Will you be able to get out of that shared business?


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Usually the best thing to in these situations is to NOT act like an idiot as he is, chasing after a partner young enough to be our children. Take the higher path and act with decorum (as I am sure you are right now anyway).Be the better person and the better parent. The one who makes wise decisions. The one who your son can look up to as an example of how to act when painful things happen.
> You seem to be doing well🙂


Thank you-- yes I'm a pretty stable person and comfortable with myself. I have taken good actions but I am pissed that my feelings are not falling into place. I mean, I can see how pathetic this is--my son was like -I could be dating her. He knows this is not the right thing to do. I was lucky that my parents had a good solid marriage so I never thought of such stupidity. I mean if this was a tv show I would laugh at the husband character for being such a chump.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You couldn't make it up could you. There is he wanting to cheat and he is warning her about her cheating ex.
> Is she at his work? She could report him for harassment. In fact she should. 😲


Yes she does some side work (lol) for commission only) He can get himself in big trouble. I warned him about it. I am doing everything I can to protect myself/finances if his house of cards fall.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you-- yes I'm a pretty stable person and comfortable with myself. I have taken good actions but I am pissed that my feelings are not falling into place. I mean, I can see how pathetic this is--my son was like -I could be dating her. He knows this is not the right thing to do. I was lucky that my parents had a good solid marriage so I never thought of such stupidity. I mean if this was a tv show I would laugh at the husband character for being such a chump.


Keep it up😊 Your son needs one parent with common sense and wisdom. It's much better to be the better person rather that start chasing young men just to get back at him. Pretty sure you wouldn't do that anyway, but some people seem to think that's the best thing to do in these situations. It's really not if you want to keep your self respect and be a good example to your son. 😃😁


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes she does some side work (lol) for commission only) He can get himself in big trouble. I warned him about it. I am doing everything I can to protect myself/finances if his house of cards fall.


Good, very wise.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

thissucks7788 said:


> I should enjoy his pathetic attempts but somehow I just can't. I did get a momentary chuckle though.


Because you loved him. Now you see this pathetic shell of a man and it's difficult to only see the humor in it. Give yourself some grace. It's hard to work through a situation like this. There are many layers. It takes time.
It's good that you are working on forgiveness. You will probably have to continue to forgive him for these things for a long time, as they come to mind and your anger rises. The tide of anger will grow less and less powerful as you let it pass through and forgive him again and again. This will help you to see the world from a more positive point of view. Resentment and bitterness make people miserable.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Love this for so many reasons!!! Even got a good laugh about it. BTW, happy 48th!!!!! xoxoxo
> 
> Want to add: I met some of my friends from school over the weekend (who have known both of us for years) She literally asked me and was serious, if I thought he had a brain tumor (I know it isn't funny but we literally laughed b/c he is being that stupid)


Thank you!

So in the spirit of 48 year old sisterhood I'll share some of the exchange with my BFF.

She texts me and asks to verify my address....probably to send me something for my bday and she lives out of town. The address she gives me is my ex's and she wants to know if I'm still there.

Now keep in mind that my ex wears a horrible toupee and everyone knows it....cheap jet black one that doesn't blend while the rest of him is gray. I tell her no....that's ex's address and please don't send anything to him unless it's a new toupee.

So she sends me both of these pictures.

I laughed so hard I cried.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, with him not around, your priorities are way different. AND you will have plenty of free time.

i suggest checking out webistes like Meetup.com to find groups of people with similar interests of you that meet locally. Lets say you liked photography, but for some reason did not do too much of it due to the time commitment of being married. well....time to photograph some stuff.

Or you love to dance, and he hated dancing....sign up at a local dance studio and get back into it.

This has two objectives:
1) you get to accomplish something fun, and expand your skills. that will feel EMPOWERING!

and
2) you get to meet new people. ....and who knows....


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Thank you!
> 
> So in the spirit of 48 year old sisterhood I'll share some of the exchange with my BFF.
> 
> ...


OMG that is the best!!! I literally laughed out loud. I think i am choosing to go with mullet or short and curly black one. (Mullet to pay homage to older age for our "men") Thank you so much for sharing it with me. My Nan used to say "if you can laugh at it, you can live with it". Hilarious!!!xo


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> OMG that is the best!!! I literally laughed out loud. I think i am choosing to go with mullet or short and curly black one. (Mullet to pay homage to older age for our "men") Thank you so much for sharing it with me. My Nan used to say "if you can laugh at it, you can live with it". Hilarious!!!xo


That's fumny....she suggested the mullet while I picked the curly black one. He's 19 years older and that one is from his era.

Please note that I'm that much younger and he still needed an ex gf around our entire relationship. When someone is deeply insecure like my and your ex nothing will truly make them happy.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Thank you!
> 
> So in the spirit of 48 year old sisterhood I'll share some of the exchange with my BFF.
> 
> ...


Mullets are DEF MAKING A COMEBACK!

so do not laugh too hard!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> Mullets are DEF MAKING A COMEBACK!
> 
> so do not laugh too hard!


 Are you saying you have one?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

While I don’t recommend you find some twenty year old the really entertaining part of that is probably how easy you could actually make it happen. The reality is it’s own humor given your husband’s current endeavor. 🤣🤣


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> Are you saying you have one?


We can always hope !!!


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I love the hilarious direction this is going. Considering how absurd this all is-- it is fitting.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know.


I'm really sorry that you found yourself in this situation through the actions of your husband. 



thissucks7788 said:


> -have mantra's (especially right in the beginning) that it will be okay..I will get through this...I will be happy again


Here's one I'd highly suggest. Buy a big bucket of popcorn, get your favorite beverage and enjoy all that while watching the ensuing drama that is about to unfold between your soon-to-be-ex and the 20 year old woman.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

I think you are headed in the right direction. Stay strong and remember to love and value yourself.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

You seem to have a handle on things, I've got nothing to add. I've walked in your shoes, except my ex was actually screwing a teenager who possibly expected to fall into my life. I simply walked away once I got a grip on myself. It's been over 2 yrs since our divorce and his family still sends me gifts and e-cards (for every occasion, including Valentine 🤦‍♂️) telling me how they all still love me. 

One day, your husband will realize how much he screwed up, and what he could have had growing old with you. By then, you'll realize how much of a drag his insecurities and lack of morality weighed you down and you'll be so much happier. You'll wonder what you ever saw in him and why you tolerated his crap for so long. 

I'm blissfully unaware of what's going on in my ex's world, but it no longer matters and I can truly say that I'm not angry anymore. Sure my life changed and I didn't like it at the time, but I just finished my master's degree, I'm looking forward to transitioning to a better career. I no longer have to worry about my ex's ****ty financial habits, I have a clean house, without **** all over. I no longer have to tidy up after a man baby and cook to suit anyone but me. I have a great bf, we're very happy, he's age-appropriate (5yrs older but sexy, meow!). 

You're doing wonderfully now, and it's only been a few weeks. Imagine how much better things will be a year from now. I have to say, it's refreshing reading your perspective, it gets old when people come for advice on how to stay miserable and never actually want to change anything.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Keep a daily journal, write down your feelings. It will be very cathartic and helpful as you see the emotions in your own handwriting. You sound like you're doing well considering the situation. Sorry this happened. 

Someone else mentioned this, but he definitely will try to come back to your relationship. Not because he misses you, but because he blew up his life and now needs a safe landing. Just be prepared emotionally/mentally - no response to things other than absolutely necessary is the way to go.

Some may say that reconciliation is possible, and in some situations, it is...but in my observation, it seems like cheating spouses only come back when they realize the grass wasn't greener on the other side. You deserve way better.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> You seem to have a handle on things, I've got nothing to add. I've walked in your shoes, except my ex was actually screwing a teenager who possibly expected to fall into my life. I simply walked away once I got a grip on myself. It's been over 2 yrs since our divorce and his family still sends me gifts and e-cards (for every occasion, including Valentine 🤦‍♂️) telling me how they all still love me.
> 
> One day, your husband will realize how much he screwed up, and what he could have had growing old with you. By then, you'll realize how much of a drag his insecurities and lack of morality weighed you down and you'll be so much happier. You'll wonder what you ever saw in him and why you tolerated his crap for so long.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I really appreciate your perspective since you are further down the path from me. I love that the family still keeps in touch with you. I got along very well with my husbands parents--- too bad they both passed. I kept telling my mom, that his mother is turning over in her urn watching her son in action. Congrats on all of your progress!! xo


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi all,
> So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know. I was blindsided. He's an idiot--okay moving on. I thought we could create an action list of things we can do to get our power back. Things WE can decide. I mean I feel like spouse made all the decisions-- decision to cheat (or in my case try to cheat-- one way EA, decided to lie, decided to leave (although I agreed with him and helped him find an apt) So here is a list of things I am doing/trying to take my power back. Things I can decide to do. What can you add to this list??
> 
> -As I said helped him find an apartment and agreed with his decision to go
> ...


The ultimate goal is to get where you do not care what he's doing or what he thinks about anything. Just focus on your own path and finding things that bring you happiness. Overwrite as many old memories with new good memories that you can.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you. I really appreciate your perspective since you are further down the path from me. I love that the family still keeps in touch with you. I got along very well with my husbands parents--- too bad they both passed. I kept telling my mom, that his mother is turning over in her urn watching her son in action. Congrats on all of your progress!! xo


My ex's mother had altzheimers when we met and passed away so I never knew her well, but his father was in great health and just passed last year at 93. He always loved me and his wife called me to tell me (I don't speak to ex).

I hadn't heard much from them but she told me he was heartbroken that I divorced his son and knew it was probably his fault. I told her everything and we agreed it was best that he didn't know the details because he would've been even more upset if he'd known his son was a cheating douchebag.

She and I now keep in touch. Thet lived on the opposite coast but I check up on her a couple of times a month....ex and his brothers were always kind of ****ty to her.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> Thank you. I really appreciate your perspective since you are further down the path from me. I love that the family still keeps in touch with you. I got along very well with my husbands parents--- too bad they both passed. I kept telling my mom, that his mother is turning over in her urn watching her son in action. Congrats on all of your progress!! xo


Thank you. It has been quite a journey, and I'm still working on myself. I find it hard to trust anyone and still hold people at arm's length for the most part, but I'm working on it. Many of us have been in your shoes and gone on to bigger, better things. I won't lie and say it doesn't suck, it does sometimes, but you definitely sound strong enough to tackle it head-on.

They try to keep in touch with me, but I don't respond. I didn't just lose my marriage, I lost my entire family and support system in this country (I moved here to marry my ex). They all turned their backs on me and supported him. I get it, blood is thicker than water, but I think they knew. I found out after we were married his parents were cheaters that blew up 2 marriages... So I guess that's where junior learned his tricks. 

It's scary to contemplate moving forward alone, but at least you have your son and he sees how wrong his father is.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Reinvent myself a bit. Find new hobbies to do or new things to enjoy that are entirely my own. In my perspective, the part of me that went into the relationship was destroyed by betrayal, which left a bit of a void. What worked for me was filling that void with self-love, care, and personal interests. It helped me get back in touch with the independence I suppressed for the sake of the relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> My ex's mother had altzheimers when we met and passed away so I never knew her well, but his father was in great health and just passed last year at 93. He always loved me and his wife called me to tell me (I don't speak to ex).
> 
> I hadn't heard much from them but she told me he was heartbroken that I divorced his son and knew it was probably his fault. I told her everything and we agreed it was best that he didn't know the details because he would've been even more upset if he'd known his son was a cheating douchebag.
> 
> She and I now keep in touch. Thet lived on the opposite coast but I check up on her a couple of times a month....ex and his brothers were always kind of ****ty to her.


I am still in regular contact with my former husband's parents and sister and my marriage ended 22 years ago!
After all they are still my children's family and I still see them as mine as well. 
My now husband of 16 years is quite happy with this and comes with me when I see them.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@thissucks7788 ,

On kind of a "practical" level, can I tell you something kind of funny that I did that meant a TON to me? I bought RED pillows for the living room couch. Big, shiny, cranberry red silk throw pillows. Know why? My exH was a beige guy. His idea of being creative was a camel throw on a cream couch. Ugh! Everything was beige or shades of beige, and ask anyone here on TAM--I am a girl with some color! Still, we make compromises to be with our spouses, right, and I don't dislike beige so I lived with it. 

Once I caught him red-handed cheating and I filed, we decided to sell our family home and each move into our own places. In my place, I suddenly realized, I didn't have to be beige anymore. So for the living room I bought big, soft, silky red pillows and tossed them about...some on the couch, and some on chairs, and some on the floor to just lounge! It was so fun!

Now clearly, this was symbolic to me. I couldn't have color and suddenly I just COULD. I would suggest you do something similar. Make your space your own.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> Reinvent myself a bit. Find new hobbies to do or new things to enjoy that are entirely my own. In my perspective, the part of me that went into the relationship was destroyed by betrayal, which left a bit of a void. What worked for me was filling that void with self-love, care, and personal interests. It helped me get back in touch with the independence I suppressed for the sake of the relationship.


Exactly.

there is a temporary void left over.
you can fill that void with bitterness, hate, and fear.
OR fill it with fun, excitement, truthfulness, and love.

jeez i sounds like a hippie now, but i think its true


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @thissucks7788 ,
> 
> On kind of a "practical" level, can I tell you something kind of funny that I did that meant a TON to me? I bought RED pillows for the living room couch. Big, shiny, cranberry red silk throw pillows. Know why? My exH was a beige guy. His idea of being creative was a camel throw on a cream couch. Ugh! Everything was beige or shades of beige, and ask anyone here on TAM--I am a girl with some color! Still, we make compromises to be with our spouses, right, and I don't dislike beige so I lived with it.
> 
> ...


Love this and the red pillow!!! This makes total sense-- I also bought new pillows and "feminized" my house with flowers etc... Something about reclaiming and making the space our own. I also turned his man cave into my office for the new job I got. Good story!!!


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi all,
> So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know. I was blindsided. He's an idiot--okay moving on. I thought we could create an action list of things we can do to get our power back. Things WE can decide. I mean I feel like spouse made all the decisions-- decision to cheat (or in my case try to cheat-- one way EA, decided to lie, decided to leave (although I agreed with him and helped him find an apt) So here is a list of things I am doing/trying to take my power back. Things I can decide to do. What can you add to this list??
> 
> -As I said helped him find an apartment and agreed with his decision to go
> ...


Divorce


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

To the extent possible( and I know there is a child involved here), limit contact with this fool.
I really struggled for a while feeling like I must have been inadequate in some way for me wife to have cheated. I began to regain my confidence once I was able to limit contact.
Most cheaters are abusive in some respect. You may find, with time and distance, that you were subjected to abuse. 
Reconnect with old friends. Stay clear of th his fool.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

@lifeistooshort - just want to wish you a very happy birthday! Welcome to 48!!❤


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> @lifeistooshort - just want to wish you a very happy birthday! Welcome to 48!!❤


Aww....thank you!

I have to say that 48 is starting out pretty good 😀


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Thissucks: Frankly this just saddens me. I am there holding one or the other's hand when the realization hits that they just took the lion's share of their life and thrown it all away. Nothing is sadder than a 60 year old guy who screwed himself with a younger woman, and now watches the wife find someone nice to spend her golden years. Had one just before COVID. Frankly, the guy's wife was literally ageless. Yet he got a whiff of a 39 year old, and tossed her away like used Kleenex. Well, there never was a relationship with the 39 year old. HOWEVER, his former best friend, swooped in and took the ex wife off the market fairly quickly. He watched as the happy couple rode off into the sunset, while he was now alone and with significantly less money.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Yes, do you believe that? She is actually telling him her ex wants her back (I'm not sure if she is just telling him that to keep him at bay or if it is real) He actually sent her a text trying to talk her out of him saying and get this----- he cheated on you and once a cheater always a cheater. I mean...come on dude- have some self awareness (and respect for yourself) I should enjoy his pathetic attempts but somehow I just can't. I did get a momentary chuckle though.


No offense.. I giggled at this too.. 😐


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Taxman said:


> Thissucks: Frankly this just saddens me. I am there holding one or the other's hand when the realization hits that they just took the lion's share of their life and thrown it all away. Nothing is sadder than a 60 year old guy who screwed himself with a younger woman, and now watches the wife find someone nice to spend her golden years. Had one just before COVID. Frankly, the guy's wife was literally ageless. Yet he got a whiff of a 39 year old, and tossed her away like used Kleenex. Well, there never was a relationship with the 39 year old. HOWEVER, his former best friend, swooped in and took the ex wife off the market fairly quickly. He watched as the happy couple rode off into the sunset, while he was now alone and with significantly less money.


Wow, Taxman- that is truly poetic justice for that husband. I have a feeling (except for the guys best friend part) that will happen to my H. It is truly sad b/c I really thought we had a solid great thing going. I have not let myself go at all and still think I look good- so he can't say that is why (I know men are very visual). I truly hope there is a happy ending for me-- I feel like I am doing all of the right actions but my feelings have yet to follow. I really appreciate your perspective as you see a lot of this. Gives me some solace.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Works said:


> No offense.. I giggled at this too.. 😐


None taken-- the whole thing is so ridiculous- it's hard not to laugh.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thissucks7788 said:


> Hi all,
> So this question is going to be a little different. As some of you know, my H left for the "hope" of getting a girl who is 20 years old.(He's 50) Okay, it sucks we all know. I was blindsided. He's an idiot--okay moving on. I thought we could create an action list of things we can do to get our power back. Things WE can decide. I mean I feel like spouse made all the decisions-- decision to cheat (or in my case try to cheat-- one way EA, decided to lie, decided to leave (although I agreed with him and helped him find an apt) So here is a list of things I am doing/trying to take my power back. Things I can decide to do. What can you add to this list??
> 
> -As I said helped him find an apartment and agreed with his decision to go
> ...


Just wanted to pop in as say that I'm proud of you. This is how it's done!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> None taken-- the whole thing is so ridiculous- it's hard not to laugh.


That's how I felt after my exH and the girl he left me for... Apparently it became too volatile so she had to go. 🤔 At the end, all we can do and YOU will do is laugh.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Works said:


> That's how I felt after my exH and the girl he left me for... Apparently it became too volatile so she had to go. 🤔 At the end, all we can do and YOU will do is laugh.


Yeah, b/c his magical manic pixie girl went from fantasy to reality when he actually had more time to spend with her and get to know each other 😂

I have no idea if my ex is still with the girl he cheated with, but his family keeps sending me e-cards saying how much they* ALL* still love me. And yes, they highlighted "all" like that. Many other cryptic messages in others... I don't respond, but curiosity always gets the better of me to read it 😂

I had to contact him last year for some documents (I discovered he's not taken me/himself off joint accounts he was supposed to and I wanted all ties cut), he answered my texts promptly and tried to be friendly. I just got what I needed and ended the conversation. What's the point of being friendly with people who showed you they do not value you?

The cheaters I knew of IRL ended up dying alone. They had relationships, sure, but they never lasted once people saw the real person. It's such a waste of humanity to go through life like that.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> y eyeshadow.
> 
> Yeah, b/c his magical manic pixie girl went from fantasy to reality when he actually had more time to spend with her and get to know each other 😂
> 
> ...


I can’t tell you how often I said… That it’s much easier being a fantasy girl. The reality girl like me and you as their wife have to put up with the every day crap where fantasy girl doesn’t really have to do anything. So as reality girl, you have to deal with the kids, the clogged toilet, bills etc.… in my fools case, the fantasy girl still lives at home with her parents, lol so… She was literally on a vacation with her parents when I found the texts. I mean this thing just gets lamer and lamer.

sounds like your husband’s family really misses you. You should feel good that you left such a good feeling with them… Too bad your husband was also a fool.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

thissucks7788 said:


> I can’t tell you how often I said… That it’s much easier being a fantasy girl. The reality girl like me and you as their wife have to put up with the every day crap where fantasy girl doesn’t really have to do anything. So as reality girl, you have to deal with the kids, the clogged toilet, bills etc.… in my fools case, the fantasy girl still lives at home with her parents, lol so… She was literally on a vacation with her parents when I found the texts. I mean this thing just gets lamer and lamer.
> 
> sounds like your husband’s family really misses you. You should feel good that you left such a good feeling with them… Too bad your husband was also a fool.


So did his AP. She lived at home, was going to college, and worked for him part-time. I never thought she was a threat, b/c girl, I've seen hot college girls, and she wasn't one.

They do, I treated them like my parents, better than their own children. Ironically, I helped my ex mend fences with them, so it came in handy when he needed a place to crash during our divorce 😂. However, I think they knew what was going on before I did, so my feelings for them are still ambivalent. I hope it will mellow out in time. 

You really have to laugh about everything, it's so much better than crying. Why waste more time and grief than necessary on someone who didn't give a second thought about you when they did their shenanigans? onward to bigger, better adventures!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

TXTrini said:


> Yeah, b/c his magical manic pixie girl went from fantasy to reality when he actually had more time to spend with her and get to know each other 😂
> 
> I have no idea if my ex is still with the girl he cheated with, but his family keeps sending me e-cards saying how much they* ALL* still love me. And yes, they highlighted "all" like that. Many other cryptic messages in others... I don't respond, but curiosity always gets the better of me to read it 😂
> 
> ...


That's too funny.. my exHs family added me back on FB after I removed them and wrote to me to see how I was doing (he doesn't talk to them). I have removed them again though.. the only tie I have to my ex now is money he owes me that I got awarded in court. It's quite funny because when he left me homeless basically, and moved her into his new place (I had no idea this was happening, but the more I look back, the more I see it was planned)... When he filed, her and him hired the same lawyer. He filed first (after I discovered her in our house) and the week after she filed. Someone hired the lawyer for me since I was left with no money and no home. My lawyer ended up being ten times better than theirs and only costing me 1k... the other person paid 1k... his/her lawyer charged 7k (each). I never got to go to college, but I still have emails where I was going back and forth with this lady! While my grammar isn't the best, I sounded better than the actual lawyer (his) who was writing to me.. I even told her that, boy was he pissed. He called me stupid..

Well, stupid (me) over here now gets x amount of your retirement for life. So he messages me here and there to let me know how it's going since our ties are only financial... he informed me my payments will be delayed because he lost his job (2 so far since he moved to a new state to start over in his fancy house that is twice the size of the one we used to have). I felt like saying, why don't you reach out to you know who so she can pay me? But I didnt.. I just said, well, that stinks that this is happening to you. I believe this is called Karma for what you did to me. His response, I didn't need a lecture, I just wanted to tell you what was going on. I also felt like saying, and I didn't need what you did to me.. but again, I didn't. 

🎤


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Take back your power? Divorce him. Wait.

when this imbecile comes crawling back, please wield your power properly and send him packing with a nice laugh in his face.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like you’re doing well, all things considered!

What doesn’t make sense to me about your husband OP, is why would he give up his great marriage for a girl who isn’t even into him? That part is really strange to me.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> It sounds like you’re doing well, all things considered!
> 
> What doesn’t make sense to me about your husband OP, is why would he give up his great marriage for a girl who isn’t even into him? That part is really strange to me.


Me too! I seriously thought I woke up in the twilight zone. I mean, who would do this? Even upon reflection of our marriage, I couldn’t come up with another reason or anything obvious. It’s the strangest thing… One of my best friends asked me seriously if I thought he had a brain tumor. That’s how screwed up it is.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> Me too! I seriously thought I woke up in the twilight zone. I mean, who would do this? Even upon reflection of our marriage, I couldn’t come up with another reason or anything obvious. It’s the strangest thing… One of my best friends asked me seriously if I thought he had a brain tumor. That’s how screwed up it is.


Yea, it’s a mystery, except to say he may be leaving just to explore a new life that “seems” exciting and makes him feel like he’s 20 years old again. Not sure but that could be it. Whatever happens, don’t hinge your future on his next steps. He will come back - and he will regret doing this, as it seems the norm from what I’ve read on this site with other similar stories. But, don’t take back a guy who after all these years and investment on your part, treats you like you’re not enough. You’re more than enough - just keep believing that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

thissucks7788 said:


> Me too! I seriously thought I woke up in the twilight zone. I mean, who would do this? Even upon reflection of our marriage, I couldn’t come up with another reason or anything obvious. It’s the strangest thing… One of my best friends asked me seriously if I thought he had a brain tumor. That’s how screwed up it is.


I have heard of people doing very strange things when they have a brain tumor. Do you think he would be willing to get an MRI? Does he have any other symptoms? What if he really does have a physical reason for all of this. I know it's a long shot, but something is seriously wrong with his thinking to do something like this.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> I have heard of people doing very strange things when they have a brain tumor. Do you think he would be willing to get an MRI? Does he have any other symptoms? What if he really does have a physical reason for all of this. I know it's a long shot, but something is seriously wrong with his thinking to do something like this.


My friend was majorly serious. I don't know if I could get him to do anything,,,but the behavior is so bizarre--a check up would be worthwhile. I will say though, people here on Tam say that a mlc will cause some to blow up their whole life and everyone in it. I mean- it seems truly crazy. I agree--a longshot but so weird that it is worthy of mention!


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## rescueengine (Apr 2, 2021)

I've been planning my mid life crisis for a while....no other woman is part of it.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

rescueengine said:


> I've been planning my mid life crisis for a while....no other woman is part of it.


 Better to just buy a sports car lol.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

thissucks7788 said:


> Better to just buy a sports car lol.


Or a Harley.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> Or a Harley.


Fortunately I´ve crossed that thing, "middle life crisis" when I was single (divorced).
It left me a beauty Triumph Bonneville, a decent score in a national Tango contest (a third place is not a bad one for an amateur), a bunch of anecdotes that I now find to be funny and becoming older but not wiser.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey thissucks, how are you doing?


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

thissucks7788 said:


> Love this for so many reasons!!! Even got a good laugh about it. BTW, happy 48th!!!!! xoxoxo
> 
> Want to add: I met some of my friends from school over the weekend (who have known both of us for years) She literally asked me and was serious, if I thought he had a brain tumor (I know it isn't funny but we literally laughed b/c he is being that stupid)


Why are guys so stupid? When I share my story with a few friends they look so puzzled ( a girl from another country, 10 years younger with 3 kids from 2 different guys) . They are like he's a dumb A**! One thing that I did that made me feel good was doing my hair, getting a massage, and doing a facial. Then I may have went on a dating site or 2. Boy did that help my self-esteem. There were guys on there that I would of thought I had no chance with telling me how beautiful I was. There is this dream boat guy I was texting and my Best friend was like if that worked out I would plaster it all over so the idiot can see it and poop in his pants..she made me laugh. Definitely a self-esteem booster. Being married to the idiot and raising my children I may have let myself go. I actually matched with an old high school friend and we have been talking. Anytime he stops by the house I make sure I look good so he sees what he is missing out on. Hes compliment me on my hair and how I smell so good. I keep our conversation short and to the point. But my emotions come and go. One second I'm so happy and the next crying my eyes out. I never let him see the tears though.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

thissucks7788 said:


> True, but so hard. I feel like I am miles away from this at this point.





Diana7 said:


> It takes time. It's also a decision not a feeling. But as you say, it's not easy at all. It's worth it though.
> The main thing is to be willing to be willing to forgive.


Listen. There is some confusion about forgiveness. Forgiveness in itself is the ability to look at the situation without being emotionally invested. It means you can let it go and not feel anger towards him. When you can reach the point in your case you can say " He did what he did. He's not perfect, and apparently not moral/ lacking in proper values. I can see him for what he is miserable. I am not miserable. I am moving on." It does not mean, I will forget what he did to me.

I worked in street ministries (15 years) with the homeless and inmates etc.. Societies untouchables. Sometimes I would give rides. Sometimes they would come to my office. they had opportunities to steal from me. Some did. At first, I was indignant, even angry at these people. I am investing time and money into them, giving them rides, helping them off the streets, groceries. You name it. Why would they steal from me? After some soul searching and talking it out with God. I realized it was my own ego/pride driving my anger. It just wasn't worth the emotional turmoil it caused. Well, I had to come to an understanding that they couldn't help themselves from making bad decisions. I got to a point where I could just forgive them for their actions, but I wouldn't let them back into my car, or in my office. I just wasn't angry at them anymore. I had to adjust my boundaries to fit the relationship to make sure not to put these people in positions they couldn't be responsible for. 

I think when you can recognize where this STBEWH is in his own moral and value makeup. You can let go of harboring anger at him. Obviously, he's not an adult and marriage material. He's not mature enough to be honest and show some integrity as an adult would. You cannot, according to your list, put him in a place in your life where he cannot be shown some responsibility with. YOU do not have to show him mercy. You don't have to forget what he has done or give him and ground in your life that would affect you. By being Angry at him you waste even more time and the emotional investment he does not deserve. It helps you to heal and move on. 

Hope this helps.


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