# Porn is Killing Me



## SKitteh2090

I hesitate putting this in the addiction thread but that might be what it is. 
Hi my name is Lea and I have been married for two years (with my husband for 3) we have had a health relationship most of the times accept for some small mistakes that most people make. However our sex life is currently dead.
About 7 months into our relationship I noticed my hubby (boy friend at the time) watched A LOT of porn. At first it didn’t bother me I have always been a sexual person and the porn didn’t seem to get in the way. I finally however got fed up. We were living together and he started wanting me to go out by myself all the time for food or bills or groceries so he could stay home and wack off. He denied watching porn most of the time till I started snooping on his computer, then he even tried to deny it to my face. He got better our sex life got back up to par. Then we got married. He would sneak around and watch it on his phone and computer any chance he got.. He would even make me go to bed alone (and still does) so he can watch porn. I confronted him yet again and told him how it made me feel. I am 5’5” 135 pounds brown hair I know I am not ugly but I am certainly no bronzed over bleached porn star. I feel insecure now and gross. Instead of bothering him for sex (because I know he probably used on his man juices on porn) I just take care of myself and it makes me feel really sad and lonely. This has been a constant battle for the last 2 years with him. Recently he told me I met him when he was hitting his masturbation binge (he is now 23). Then he told me that he is always too tired to have sex but needs a release so he watches porn. Apparently the 5 min of sex he gives me is really taxing (sarcasm) He says his anti depressants take down his sex drive (but he cleans out his phone and computer history nightly)
Our sex life used to be great two or three times a week passionate kinky hot hot hot… Now I get 5 min 15 tops and that’s it. No foreplay. No kinky. No passion. Just ****ing for a bit then maybe some cuddling. I don’t want to be so unhappy but no matter how much I cry or tell him that this porn deal hurts me he makes me feel like I am overreacting and that it isn’t a problem..
Is it a problem? What do I do now? How do I make him want me again?


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## Blanca

It probably goes without saying but it does not sound like he's serious about quitting. There are free programs he can put on his computer and phone that will block porn- one is called K9 web protection. I have it on all my computers and its on my H's phone.

Even if you do convince your H to put these things on his computer it probably wont help. It sounds like he might even do something more extreme to meet his need if those avenues were blocked. My H also has a porn problem and he put those programs on his computer. I never suggested my H put those programs on his computer only that if he didnt stop looking at porn i was going to leave. He looked it up himself and installed it himself. If your H is not the one to initiate then its just going to be a game of how to get around you. 

You cant stay in a relationship where you are continually being rejected and isolated yourself. It will eat you alive. If you wanted to leave, could you? do you have a way to support yourself?


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## SKitteh2090

Blanca said:


> It probably goes without saying but it does not sound like he's serious about quitting. There are free programs he can put on his computer and phone that will block porn- one is called K9 web protection. I have it on all my computers and its on my H's phone.
> 
> Even if you do convince your H to put these things on his computer it probably wont help. It sounds like he might even do something more extreme to meet his need if those avenues were blocked. My H also has a porn problem and he put those programs on his computer. I never suggested my H put those programs on his computer only that if he didnt stop looking at porn i was going to leave. He looked it up himself and installed it himself. If your H is not the one to initiate then its just going to be a game of how to get around you.
> 
> You cant stay in a relationship where you are continually being rejected and isolated yourself. It will eat you alive. If you wanted to leave, could you? do you have a way to support yourself?



I could I suppose but I have no way to support myself. If I had to leave I would end up across the country with my mother and then we would never be able to work this out. 
I just find it so unbearably sad that some pixilated bimbo makes me even consider these things. I don't even want to but I have this horrible fear building that I might someday figure out I cant live like this. I feel so petty "I might have to leave my husband because he wont make love to me". My parents were in a sexless marriage for years and though it wasn't always the best they did love each other.. Why does this have to revolve around sex but then I remember how it feels to be replaced by something and to know he is aware of how it hurts me. 

I installed K9 on his computer a while ago and when I thought he was getting better I took it off. I had no idea he was using his phone to look at porn. I knew he kept his logs clear but that was because of a phone error (so he told me when he had an old cruddy phone) With this new phone same **** and I know its not a phone error. I cant even begin to tell you how much the lies hurt. Or how much it hurts to even know and he wont admit it and dances around it.

I don't know how often he browses (he claims that if he does look at porn its only a few times a week) but our sex life is still dead. I am so afraid some day he will just realize i am not what he wants it already seems true. I am going through so much crap outside of our marriage and I really need him. But how can i really talk to him if he can lie to me?

Sorry for the ranting and the questions I am kinda really hurting


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## Syrum

I think you have to be straight down the line with him and give him an ultimatum. Either he gives up the porn, and goes to Marriage counseling and it's ongoing counseling. Plus he puts in a massive effort with your relationship or you walk. this might mean giving up having a mobile phone with internet access, and just getting a cheap pre paid one etc.

You don't have to live like this. Porn is very very harmful and obviously bad for many relationships.

Here is an old thread about porn and throughout there are some good articles you might like to share with him.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/22158-what-porn-did-marriage-interesting-read.html


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## less_disgruntled

SKitteh2090 said:


> We were living together and he started wanting me to go out by myself all the time for food or bills or groceries so he could stay home and wack off.


This is totally not helpful, but one thing about this forum is I usually feel better about myself after reading something like this.

Sorry. To get serious, if he was being dishonest about the porn, sending you out of the house so he could watch it, that's bad, because he was able to manipulate you without you even knowing. If he's doing that, it's going to take a long time to get him to own up to **** for real.


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## SKitteh2090

less_disgruntled said:


> This is totally not helpful, but one thing about this forum is I usually feel better about myself after reading something like this.
> 
> Sorry. To get serious, if he was being dishonest about the porn, sending you out of the house so he could watch it, that's bad, because he was able to manipulate you without you even knowing. If he's doing that, it's going to take a long time to get him to own up to **** for real.


This thread was not helpful because of its basis in the christian belief. Christianity tends to be to sexually restricting and that in itself can ruin a person. That is my opinion however Christianity is great for some just not me.


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## Blanca

SKitteh2090 said:


> I cant even begin to tell you how much the lies hurt. Or how much it hurts to even know and he wont admit it and dances around it.


I know how much it hurts. My H lied to me so much in the beginning after I had given up so much for him. I couldnt believe it because I thought he would never hurt me that way. It was some of the darkest days for me. I completely lost myself and became incredibly depressed. Four years later and Im just starting to emerge from the depression. My H lied to me again about it a few months ago. It still hurts and I dont understand why he'd trade what we could have for something so hollow, but I've given up trying to understand it. I've refocused on simply understanding what I need and figuring out how to meet my own needs again.



SKitteh2090 said:


> II am so afraid some day he will just realize i am not what he wants it already seems true. I am going through so much crap outside of our marriage and I really need him. But how can i really talk to him if he can lie to me?


Me too! I have this same fear. I really think my H is going to wake up and realize he's not actually attracted to me. I think he's going to leave me. But having that fear might create a self-fulling prophecy. 

You really cannot turn to your H for comfort right now. That is the hardest part of this battle. He's the one person that is supposed to love you and be there for you but he cannot be. Not only because he is deceiving you and therefore not completely emotionally in the relationship, but also because you hate him. You cannot be completely open and vulnerable with someone you have so much anger and resentment towards. Maybe you're wondering who you can turn to then? Im not a religious person so god is not in the equation for me, but success is. I turned to academics and made some goals for myself. After enrolling in school I started seeing a counselor. I think that helped a lot. 

Hang in there! It does get better.


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## marksaysay

Coming from someone who dealt with a porn problem since about 14, there may be some deep rooted issues that contributed to his issue as did mine. This does present an issue because he seems resistant to counseling. I know now why I even started and it was extremely helpful to make that discovery. I will admit that it's been an uphill battle but I've made some incredible progress. I also was deceptive about my activity but I think a lot of mine had to do with the shame of doing something I wanted to stop but couldn't. It can really get a hold of you. 

I said all that because your husband is not by himself. Many others have and are dealing with the same thing but he has to want to stop just like with anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hethybee85

OMG, this is my life too!! my husband does the same thing. I feel good about my body and am in good shape as well. Brown hair, green eyes, 5'2, and 145 lbs when I wasn't prego....and we have the same problem. You are not alone, but I am not sure what to tell you because I don't know what to do. I want to tell him to get help, but it's never worked. Honestly, my background is in social work and I truly think the only thing that will help them work through it is the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy....but they have to WANT to do it. If they don't want to do it for your marital happiness, then do you want that life? I guess that's just where I stand right now. And the thing is if you think it's a problem and it hurts you, it should mean the world to him. Otherwise, maybe he's too selfish to be married. It's funny, I feel like i'm talking to myself right now. No but seriously, any guy who can spend an hour looking at porn and can't bother to have 15 minutes of sex with their significant other has some serious issues that they need to resolve....but only if they WANT to. Can you tell i'm dealing with this as well? I'm talking in circles.....I wish you the best and you are not alone. Google "women whose husbands don't find them attractive anymore" because my husband had the balls to tell me that the other day (when i'm 5 months pregnant at that!). You will find in almost every woman's story that she is moderately attractive and the problem is porn and the unrealistic standards in that. That's it! I'm moving to Europe....they're not as obsessed with it there. lol


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## ScaredGuy

Anyone who reads my other post can easily quip 'What makes YOUR marriage so GREAT?!?' but hear me out.

Being a young couple, we're also pretty sexually active. We experiment a little, we know what we like, and generally when she isn't in a fog because of her other problems (numerous...sadly) we have an awesome sex life. It has never been a problem and I've always been open from the start about my porn. Never even tried to hide it, and she would even get into it if it's more than just T and A, which doesn't bother me.

But it's never a substitute for the real thing. Pardon the TMI, but often I'll let her 'catch' me which really turns her on. The whole thing just works, and well, for us. No unrealistic standards...I hate a lot of the pro stuff because it's completely fake. I like to watch real people having sex, she likes to look at my body as I watch, we both get ready and go have fun. My point is that not everyone who uses porn is obsessed, or even willing to forgo real sex for it. And guess what...all guys look at porn. Even if it is porn in their mind, they still do.

And if you think European's aren't obsessed with porn you've obviously never been there. You can buy it everywhere and they don't usually black out the covers. They just don't treat sex like it's something they can use to deprive their lovers with...cuz guess what? When you do that you're both getting ripped off.


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## trey69

ScaredGuy said:


> Anyone who reads my other post can easily quip 'What makes YOUR marriage so GREAT?!?' but hear me out.
> 
> Being a young couple, we're also pretty sexually active. We experiment a little, we know what we like, and generally when she isn't in a fog because of her other problems (numerous...sadly) we have an awesome sex life. It has never been a problem and I've always been open from the start about my porn. Never even tried to hide it, and she would even get into it if it's more than just T and A, which doesn't bother me.
> 
> But it's never a substitute for the real thing. Pardon the TMI, but often I'll let her 'catch' me which really turns her on. The whole thing just works, and well, for us. No unrealistic standards...I hate a lot of the pro stuff because it's completely fake. I like to watch real people having sex, she likes to look at my body as I watch, we both get ready and go have fun. My point is that not everyone who uses porn is obsessed, or even willing to forgo real sex for it. And guess what...all guys look at porn. Even if it is porn in their mind, they still do.
> 
> And if you think European's aren't obsessed with porn you've obviously never been there. You can buy it everywhere and they don't usually black out the covers. They just don't treat sex like it's something they can use to deprive their lovers with...cuz guess what? When you do that you're both getting ripped off.


So what is your advice then to someone who feels porn isn't a good thing in their marriage? Just because this works for you and you like porn doesn't mean all people do.


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## ScaredGuy

OK, my advice: stop picking a fight over porn and embrace your sexuality rather than repressing it because some authority said it should be repressed. Lots of women here seem to think their man is addicted to porn...have those women tried being less judgmental and frigid? All guys look at porn, but all guys would also rather be having real sex.


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## Amplexor

ScaredGuy said:


> OK, my advice: stop picking a fight over porn and embrace your sexuality rather than repressing it because some authority said it should be repressed. Lots of women here seem to think their man is addicted to porn...have those women tried being less judgmental and frigid? All guys look at porn, but all guys would also rather be having real sex.


Oh my yes, she should certainly stop standing up for herself in setting her boundaries for the marriage, for what makes her happy and feel loved. To continue to allow her husband to manipulate her by misleading, lying to and doing things behind her back even though he knows how it makes her feel. Yes she should certainly turn her back on her self esteem, her moral code or beliefs because it's what all people do. Yes it would be better to feel rejected, defeated and resentful of her husband. 

If this works in your marriage fine, great but don't assume it works in all. I tire of the threads that make the person who is being hurt by their spouse, feel they are at fault for not accepting porn as the norm. That they should just "embrace" it and get over their problem with it.

Porn was one of the issues in my marriage but I elected to respect my wife's wishes instead of trying to bend her around my own. We found common ground in respecting each others boundaries and the marriage recovered then flourished. If he can't then he'll have to accept the consequences. Probably divorce and the OP would be perfectly justified in that decision. 



Just my two!


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## AgentD

ScaredGuy said:


> OK, my advice: stop picking a fight over porn and embrace your sexuality rather than repressing it because some authority said it should be repressed. Lots of women here seem to think their man is addicted to porn...have those women tried being less judgmental and frigid? All guys look at porn, but all guys would also rather be having real sex.


Basically, you're saying she should just accept it and things will be fine, No one should accept something they are not comfortable with.


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## Jamison

ScaredGuy said:


> OK, my advice: stop picking a fight over porn and embrace your sexuality rather than repressing it because some authority said it should be repressed. Lots of women here seem to think their man is addicted to porn...have those women tried being less judgmental and frigid? All guys look at porn, but all guys would also rather be having real sex.


You do NOT speak for ALL men though, sorry. Its one thing to view porn on occasion but when it starts to take over your sex life with your partner or they prefer to watch it over being with their partner, then there is a deeper problem.

And yes, there are some people who have porn addictions just like alcohol addictions or any other addiction.


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## ScaredGuy

I never intended to speak for all men, I was just trying to tell the women to be a little less polarized against it is all. It seems like it is fanatical right wing craziness, frankly. If porn causes you problems, yeah, STOP, of course. But if it doesn't can we stop vilifying it and its occaisional users?

Because those with a problem don't speak for all men either!

Amplexor - insecure women are just as annoying as insecure men.


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## Amplexor

ScaredGuy said:


> Amplexor - insecure women are just as annoying as insecure men.


An insecure woman would just bow to her husband's vices and accept it, a secure woman would stand her ground. I hope the OP is the latter.


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## Jamison

ScaredGuy said:


> I never intended to speak for all men, I was just trying to tell the women to be a little less polarized against it is all. It seems like it is fanatical right wing craziness, frankly. If porn causes you problems, yeah, STOP, of course. But if it doesn't can we stop vilifying it and its occaisional users?
> 
> Because those with a problem don't speak for all men either!
> 
> Amplexor - insecure women are just as annoying as insecure men.


Porn is or can be a REAL problem for some people. Just as alcohol is for your wife. 

And even though you may not have intended to speak for all men, you did say "ALL men look at porn." So it did come across like that.


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## CallaLily

I can understand why some women would feel insecure about their men looking at porn instead of spending time with them. I guess those men are insecure too, because they feel the need to look at a screen than be with their woman. They are missing out.


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## Amplexor

SKitteh2090 said:


> I don’t want to be so unhappy but no matter how much I cry or tell him that this porn deal hurts me he makes me feel like I am overreacting and that it isn’t a problem..
> Is it a problem? What do I do now? How do I make him want me again?


To bring this thread back on track and not turn into another porn good, porn bad never ending eddy I wold like to address the OP's plight.

Breaking it down to problem/solutions, you have stated you've tracked his history and proven him to be a liar. He has manipulated you and in so many words told you you have the problem not him. You get no real sexual intimacy with him and it sounds like very little physical intimacy. You have stated that you do not want to live like this and he is not making any effort to change. Any reins you have put on the behavior have been circumvented without regards to your feelings. 

You will need to carefully think out the question you have already asked yourself. Can you live like this forever? Can you accept this as part of your marriage? Is it workable for you? If not, unless you lay down for him that this is a deal breaker for you, he will not change the habit. He will continue on. As suggested, if you can't live this way you will need to lay down the ultimatum and be ready to walk away if he refuses. This is not just about your husband's porn issues and from the sounds of it, they are very significant, it is about him respecting you and your wishes. If he is ready to do that then by all means help him in whatever means are necessary. And be prepared that he may have a misstep or two as any addict does. But if he is not, it is time to walk away from the marriage and find someone who does. This is an issue that will not go away without some firm actions either way. Good luck.


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## ScaredGuy

You're right, it could be interpreted as speaking for all men, but the reality is that sex sells for a reason. Also, it's like saying "all women want a diamond ring when they wed." OK, so maybe it isn't 100% the case, but I bet the actual percentage has a whole lot of nines in it.


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## Runs like Dog

Addictions are bad. It doesn't really matter what one is addicted to. Compulsive behavior is toxic and destructive.


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## Syrum

Amplexor said:


> An insecure woman would just bow to her husband's vices and accept it, a secure woman would stand her ground. I hope the OP is the latter.


Absolutely.

As for what's wrong with occasional use of porn, well so many things really. Even occasional use of porn changes the way men view women, how attractive they find their partners even subconsciously, and reduces their empathy for women. It involves real women and therefore to me is like introducing a third person into the equation which is cheating. It is very disrespectful and commodifies and devalues women. It does not bring people closer together IMO.


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## friendly

Think about what your husband needs and how to make him happy instead. When he likes it and enjoys it, he comes for more. When he doesn't like it, he prefers doing it himself.

The more you complain, pointing your finger at him about his being insufficent in bed for you, unfortunately, the more he's been pushing away by you.

You've created a impression that having sex with you is all about what you want and how you want to do it, which gave him a misunderstanding that when it's time to have sex, it's all about you. 

Thus, in his understainding, sex with you means nothing but a tiring task only to be kinky, passionate in some certain ways in order to please you. Sex with you is no longer a relaxing pleasure that meets his needs.

Therefore, sex is not ask what you want but also to give what he needs without complaints.


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## AgentD

friendly said:


> Think about what your husband needs and how to make him happy instead. When he likes it and enjoys it, he comes for more. When he doesn't like it, he prefers doing it himself.
> 
> The more you complain, pointing your finger at him about his being insufficent in bed for you, unfortunately, the more he's been pushing away by you.
> 
> You've created a impression that having sex with you is all about what you want and how you want to do it, which gave him a misunderstanding that when it's time to have sex, it's all about you.
> 
> Thus, in his understainding, sex with you means nothing but a tiring task only to be kinky, passionate in some certain ways in order to please you. Sex with you is no longer a relaxing pleasure that meets his needs.
> 
> Therefore, sex is not ask what you want but also to give what he needs without complaints.


Everything you have stated to the OP implies SHE is the problem here. The words YOU, YOUR and YOU'VE have been used in just about every sentence in your post to her. The whole post seems to be about how she is the problem for the way she feels. Thats not productive.


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## trey69

AgentD said:


> Everything you have stated to the OP implies SHE is the problem here. The words YOU, YOUR and YOU'VE have been used in just about every sentence in your post to her. The whole post seems to be about how she is the problem for the way she feels. Thats not productive.


:iagree:


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## Amplexor

friendly said:


> Think about what your husband needs and how to make him happy instead. When he likes it and enjoys it, he comes for more. When he doesn't like it, he prefers doing it himself.
> 
> The more you complain, pointing your finger at him about his being insufficent in bed for you, unfortunately, the more he's been pushing away by you.
> 
> You've created a impression that having sex with you is all about what you want and how you want to do it, which gave him a misunderstanding that when it's time to have sex, it's all about you.
> 
> Thus, in his understainding, sex with you means nothing but a tiring task only to be kinky, passionate in some certain ways in order to please you. Sex with you is no longer a relaxing pleasure that meets his needs.
> 
> Therefore, sex is not ask what you want but also to give what he needs without complaints.


And once again the one who is lied to, the one who is deceived, the one reaching out to her husband to express her feelings her pain and try and improve the sex life is the one at fault. 
Wow!


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## LGSL

I think my post disappeared, but there are a lot of angles you can come from with this. People are giving blanket advice. 

I found out my BF is using porn and we are not having sex. I'm trying to get to the root of it with him. Rather than apply blanket advice to the issue. Is it me he's unsatisfied with? Something else? Is he scared? He has intimacy issues, so that's part of it - etc.

And for me? It's made me really respect myself more. Look nice all the time. Etc. Rather than beat myself up in an "I'm not good enough" way - I am working out, saving money and making myself EXCELLENT all around. That's the only thing anyone can do.


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## trey69

LGSL said:


> I think my post disappeared, but there are a lot of angles you can come from with this. People are giving blanket advice.
> 
> I found out my BF is using porn and we are not having sex. I'm trying to get to the root of it with him. Rather than apply blanket advice to the issue. Is it me he's unsatisfied with? Something else? Is he scared? He has intimacy issues, so that's part of it - etc.
> 
> And for me? It's made me really respect myself more. Look nice all the time. Etc. Rather than beat myself up in an "I'm not good enough" way - I am working out, saving money and making myself EXCELLENT all around. That's the only thing anyone can do.


Thats great, but lets say you make yourself into the person you feel you should be, whether its for yourself or for your b/f. You have done everything, tried everything, you look great, your attitude is great etc, but still no sex and he is still on the porn, then what?


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## LGSL

Trey, my point is that it can be an opportunity for you to look at yourself. After that, I'd say if there is no change, then it is probably time to leave. My BF was willing to change immediately. He said he won't do it anymore, and I have to believe him - for now. I actually care less about him doing that and more about the quality of our relationship - which sucks right now. So if he were doing it, but we were great, and I felt loved, and we were having sex, well then it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But that's not the case for us.


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## niceGuybutAddicted

How can everybody not understand WHY guys watch porn.............................?????????????????
Sorry if I sound aggrivated but no matter what you say what I say is the truth because I am a guy and I have watched a LOT of porn. So let it be known to everyone that we men watch porn because
1) Most important reason: VARIATY. In porn you can have virtual sex with such a variaty of women! Blond, brunette, teen, mature, slender, plump, naughty-looking, shy-looking, sweet-looking, innocent-looking, *****y-looking, asian (all types of asian ), white (all kinds of white), latina, ebony.. Sex styles: oral, anal, dominant, submissive... and list goes on.
2) Variaty creates excitement and the sense of completeness. Excitement comes from constant change in internet porn -- of models, videos, pictures, etc. You are guaranteed to see something new every day and experience new sensations or relieve good old ones. New is what we crave and porn provides that. There is also a special (call it perverted, doesn't change things) sense of completeness that comes from having this sex variaty. At the moment of watching porn you have access to all this variaty of girls. This makes you feel like a king really. (Solomon had 700 concubines, right? You get even more on the net) The access to variaty produces sense of completeness.

Should I give more reasons than these 2? So here you go, hope it explains why one woman will lose a battle against her guy's porn addiction. Mind me, even the hottest woman will eventually lose, however hot she may be, she cannot stand against her guy's desire for .. get ready to hear this again -- PORN VARIATY.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Kitteh, my dear, 

You are me 20 years ago. And I have been through it and back. Well, actually, I'm still going through it. It seems to never end. I would like to give you this advice, if you want it, and then I wish you every success.

My marriage had issues with porn, that began as (I admit it) a mutual interest, which soon deteriorated into more of what you describe, with a myriad of other problems thrown in. In hindsight, I wish I had bailed before I was thrown overboard at 18 years of marriage, but it's not too late for you.

First of all, the only problem here that YOU have is that you need someone to help you build your self esteem and self respect, so that you can really own that *you do not have to accept his standard if you don't like it*, and *you are worthy of a relationship that fulfills your needs, too.* Please read Co-Dependent No More by Beattie, and substitute "Porn" for "alcohol." It has helped me a lot. I wish I had read it when I was your age.

Secondly, go to a cognitive behavioral therapist. His porn and lying problems are not your fault at all, but the fact that you are not sure if they are problems, tells me that you, like me, doubt yourself and don't put yourself first enough. Share the thread with your counselor. They will know what to do, and you will be transformed. Then it will be clear to you what you want to do about your marriage, and you will be strong enough to do it. 

I want you to do this very soon. Tomorrow. You don't have children; you aren't pregnant. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms, that that makes a mighty, mighty difference in the scope of your marital problems and their potential for devastation, whatever they may be. You need to do this before you decide if you want to have kids with this guy. And keep it to yourself. Do this for you. He certainly doesn't have any problem with keeping things from you. Keep this one close to your vest, at least until you have made your choice. If you decide you deserve better, and you might, read the divorce threads so you don't get nailed to the wall like I did. Get on the pill. The pill is your friend right now.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Oh, also, Al-Anon groups help people who live with someone who has ANY kind of addiction. It's all the same in some ways. Check into that, too. 

Now, I know there are groups for the addicted, such as Sexaholics Anonymous (not making that up.) But my brother thought he had a problem with porn, and went to one of those meetings, and he said it was more like a place to find dates.."gave him the skeevies," he said. Perhaps not all are like that, but just telling you what he told me.


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## blondie5

niceGuybutAddicted said:


> How can everybody not understand WHY guys watch porn.............................?????????????????
> Sorry if I sound aggrivated but no matter what you say what I say is the truth because I am a guy and I have watched a LOT of porn. So let it be known to everyone that we men watch porn because
> 1) Most important reason: VARIATY. In porn you can have virtual sex with such a variaty of women! Blond, brunette, teen, mature, slender, plump, naughty-looking, shy-looking, sweet-looking, innocent-looking, *****y-looking, asian (all types of asian ), white (all kinds of white), latina, ebony.. Sex styles: oral, anal, dominant, submissive... and list goes on.
> 2) Variaty creates excitement and the sense of completeness. Excitement comes from constant change in internet porn -- of models, videos, pictures, etc. You are guaranteed to see something new every day and experience new sensations or relieve good old ones. New is what we crave and porn provides that. There is also a special (call it perverted, doesn't change things) sense of completeness that comes from having this sex variaty. At the moment of watching porn you have access to all this variaty of girls. This makes you feel like a king really. (Solomon had 700 concubines, right? You get even more on the net) The access to variaty produces sense of completeness.
> 
> Should I give more reasons than these 2? So here you go, hope it explains why one woman will lose a battle against her guy's porn addiction. Mind me, even the hottest woman will eventually lose, however hot she may be, she cannot stand against her guy's desire for .. get ready to hear this again -- PORN VARIATY.


NiceGuybutAddicted is correct. My husband told me just about the same thing. The last time I found his "stash" I asked him why so many? He said it was because he gets bored looking at the same girl/girls. Now can you imagine how that made ME feel? I am only ONE person. I will always be only ONE person. That can never compare to all the variety men crave. So, to sum things up for the women out there dealing with this.... (as I still am I'm sure, even though he denys it and I have not found proof to say otherwise in a while....) Make yourself happy. Do whatever it takes. Life is too short. If they want to jack off to images in mags, on line videos etc.... let them. There is nothing you can do about it. Men do what they want. Bottom line. Eventually, he will want something from you.... for you to cook dinner, do his laundry, heaven forbid.... have actual REAL sex with him.... Don't do it! Reject him. If the OP doesn't have any children with this man, that is the best thing ever. It's so much easier to move on and start over. He has made it clear as to what is important to him by his actions. He chooses to jack off alone with his porn. What a lonely, empty life! Pathetic!


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## fedupwife

i am having the same problem with my husband! I want to say I am not sexually opressive and I have even brought movies home for us to watch together. He wants to do it by himself. i have tried everything to make him interested in me but he isn't we have had sex 2 in three months and he doesn't care at all. He still looks at his **** daily. I don't think it is a problem to look at porn every once in a while but when you no longer want to be with your significant other and the porn is more appealing then there is a problem. i am tired of taking care of myself too. i am an attractive woman. I am 5'7 blonde and 136lbs. i also have a 36D breast size! To me there is no reason why my husband should prefer porn over me. He says part of it is because I want it all the time and it isn't a challenge. I am trying the 180 someone on here recommended. You basically do the opposite of whatever they are used to. i am being cold and indifferent to him. i no longer wait up for him to get home from work and i stay on my own side of the bed. I rarely talk to him...it has made a small difference but he still isn't interested in me at all. It is making me Feel insecure and ugly!!


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## Syrum

Fed up wife, it isn't about what you are doing, it isn't about you at all. 

If my husband was addicted to porn, I can say without a doubt I'd just walk away.

They are addicted, and regardless, they are willingly placing other women on a screen above your real life relationship and connection. In short they do not care enough for you, so why stay with a man like that?

How sad that any man would put fake sex over his real life relationship.

I honestly just think LOSER


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## LadyLove8675309

"accepting it" doesn't work

if it is an issue now, it will only get worse

if it isn't an issue, good for you...but you're not the only who posted the problem then, are you?

I too tire of those implying you are either a prude or a bible-banger to oppose porn. It's simply NOT THAT SIMPLE!!

I want an intensely intimate and very sexually-active marriage with my husband...no third parties cyber or otherwise.


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## ItHappenedToMe

Syrum said:


> Fed up wife, it isn't about what you are doing, it isn't about you at all.
> 
> If my husband was addicted to porn, I can say without a doubt I'd just walk away.
> 
> They are addicted, and regardless, they are willingly placing other women on a screen above your real life relationship and connection. In short they do not care enough for you, so why stay with a man like that?
> 
> How sad that any man would put fake sex over his real life relationship.
> 
> I honestly just think LOSER


Yes, YES, *YES*!!!

Ladies, please, please understand it is NOT about you. No matter how good you look, or not. Addiction is addiction. 

In my case, my H's one addiction has morphed into another. It was cocaine & alcohol (about 6 years, before we met). Then just alcohol (started about 3 years into our marriage, this is year one completely 'dry', 17 years later). Through it came porn, which ended when he was busted at work (talk about exposing the problem and dulling it's appeal). That one was really scary, because it put EVERYTHING about our lifes on the line and at risk - his employment, our home, our family, our future.

And yes, I must be co-dependent, because too many times I have covered for him getting drunk at work, getting him home, cleaning up the mess, making excuses to the boss, etc. 

There was one time that he did lose a job (his 2nd job) because he got drunk, couldn't function, and had to tell them. What a fun day. No adult to help me, had to take the children along...

And yes, the porn certainly affected our sex life. His porn was always "hidden" and "secret." What else could account for intimacy once or twice A YEAR??? 

Would have made a difference if he had shared it with me? Probably not. Watching someone else have sex is one thing, it's much better to be the one having sex. ;-)

Why did he pull this sh*t? I have no idea. He has no idea. Last time he got wasted I kept him awake, pumped him with water to displace the alcohol, and we had a great talk that lasted most the night). Our children are teens now, our oldest has been aware (and quite upset about it) for several years, the younger is too young to catch the subtitle indicators, until recently. 

What is the H doing now? He's stopped both the porn & the booze. Yes, I think he has transferred it to something else, a self-development interest he shares with one of the children. Still distant from me, though. It sucks being 4th or 5th on his interest list. As wife, I should be #1, IMHO.

Should I have left? Perhaps. I had things that kept me here, namely little ones. 

Be careful what you choose to do. Being around addicition meetings I've certainly seen individuals move from one addiction go to another addication (like booze to smoking, or booze to adultery), and I've seen meetings be places to score whatever you need to fulfill your addiction. 

It might do you well to read the Affaircare articles page (Articles « AFFAIRCARE). You are, afterall, talking about committment and a relationship. You might get some good ideas.

If you simply choose what makes you 'happy,' that is the same slippery slope they are on. "Happy" is a sliding emotion, a high to chase. 

PS: saw a news piece about improving your sex life & marriage using 40 beads. You place the bead in a known place (like a dish on their nightstand or dresser), and within 24 hours you are to be together. Perhaps that will help him retain his energies for you, since he knows you want to be together. Just an idea...


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## ItHappenedToMe

Okay...so I took my own advice at approached my husband. Afterwards, he dumped all over everything I was trying to nurture. 

I asked about the addictions, and why. He said, 'because I like being high!' and 'it feels good to take some of the pressure off.' Apparently, he like to worry, because all the dumping he was doing had to do with his worries about this or that. 

I can look back and see that a) marriage caused him 'great concern' to where he used porn (leaving me without him, as you experience, too); by the b) the birth of our first child caused him 'great concern' to where he'd use abuse alcohol, continued with c) birth of second child more 'concern' and more incidents with alcohol, etc. 

Does getting loaded make the problem go away? No, it just gives him another - one p-o'd wife that he's putting our security & lives on the line ONCE AGAIN. Can ya tell I've got some deep-seeded resentment?

Here's a question I've yet to answer...would I view it differently if he partied with me? I honestly don't know. There has been a time or two that we drank together, and had enjoyed ourselves. 

I WOULD have appreciated him sharing his concerns as they happened, not just holding them in until he reached 'tilt' and then got loaded. That made a mess that is so much worse to clean up.

Good news is things are better this year, and he chooses to talk about his concerns, even if it is really bad timing (at our anniversary dinner, after sex, etc).

See if you can get your man to talk...


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## Ayrun

Porn is the vice of weak men.


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## Syrum

Ayrun said:


> Porn is the vice of weak men.


:iagree:


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## love_always

Amplexor said:


> Oh my yes, she should certainly stop standing up for herself in setting her boundaries for the marriage, for what makes her happy and feel loved. To continue to allow her husband to manipulate her by misleading, lying to and doing things behind her back even though he knows how it makes her feel. Yes she should certainly turn her back on her self esteem, her moral code or beliefs because it's what all people do. Yes it would be better to feel rejected, defeated and resentful of her husband.
> 
> If this works in your marriage fine, great but don't assume it works in all. I tire of the threads that make the person who is being hurt by their spouse, feel they are at fault for not accepting porn as the norm. That they should just "embrace" it and get over their problem with it.
> 
> Porn was one of the issues in my marriage but I elected to respect my wife's wishes instead of trying to bend her around my own. We found common ground in respecting each others boundaries and the marriage recovered then flourished. If he can't then he'll have to accept the consequences. Probably divorce and the OP would be perfectly justified in that decision.
> 
> 
> 
> Just my two!


I love this answer! I'm having a similar problem and it's great to hear a man say what you said. Thank you.


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