# When is it ok to bring up marriage???



## chicago2511 (Jan 14, 2015)

First time on this sight and first time posting anything about my relationship. Well to start off I am 36/F with a 19y/o daughter. I have been in a GREAT relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever met for just over 3 years now( I know I know LOL) He is 47 and has been divorced for about 12 years now. He dated his EX for 5 years before they married and divorced just over 2 years. Reason being she ended up cheating on him. 
Now I'm not in any rush to get married but one day I do. Now every now and then some kind of marriage talk will come up and he has said he does not want to go through that again. When I hear that it makes me wonder will I ever get to marry this man, wether it be in 5 years or 10 even. When I hear him and also his mom has said how he said he do not want to get married again, it puts a lump in my heart. I love this man so much but I also don't want to scare him or pressure him into marriage.
How do I bring up this issue without making him uncomfortable or scaring him. I mean I understand his reservations about marriage but I don't think that should scare him especially since its been well over 10 years or am I just being the almost 40y/o wanting to be married??? any suggestions on how to approach this ??
Thanks


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why are you so eager to be married? And were you ever married before (father of your child)?

That's not a judgment, just curious, since you say you are in a GREAT relationship just the way it is. He tried marriage once and it failed. A lot of people (myself included) are loathe the ever put themselves into that position again.

Frankly, I don't blame him. You and he are both happy, he's probably thinking why rock the boat?

You can certainly bring up the subject of marriage, but you can't control his feelings on the subject. You have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you or not.


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## MrsHaf (Jan 13, 2015)

Every woman wants to know what their future holds with the man they love..There is no harm in that , not even for you. You have to tell him the things you want in life. If you want to be married , then thats what you want and you shouldnt let his opinion change that. Its like putting your basic wants and wishes out in the open. 
My last relationship was this way...we were together 3 years him being 35 and me being 23 at the time and all through the relationship, i made it clear what i wanted.. I wanted to be married, and i wanted children. He said he would want that too down the road but every year came and pasts and we werent even living together. Truth is, he never wanted any of that. He just didnt want to loose me. But I needed more than to just be someones gf forever. And you need to decide what you need. What will make you happy? Can you live with him for the rest of your life and not be married to him? If you cant, then you need to say so...tell him your not wanting to rush it or do it right now, but you need to know what the future holds for the two of you. I can understand him being reserved after leaving a failed marriage...but he shouldnt make you suffer because of that. Everyone has to move on at a point in their life and at some point he has to stop letting his first failed marriage control his new life and relationship with you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sounds like marriage HAS been brought up. Have you been as open and honest with what you want as he has been? Does he know that getting married is important to you?

C


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

What exactly is marriage?

From a LIFE perspective, it's really more of a celebration of 2 people (act itself).

But at the end of the day, Relationship AND Marriage are IDENTICAL.

NOW, onto the part that is of his concern. LEGAL. Marriage is a legal agreement between 2 parties, legal agreement in which woman has an upper hand and can literally strip the men of EVERYTHING HE HAS.

Put yourself in his position, I'm SURE you would be scared as well, especially if you went thru hell in your previous marriage.

I'm actually SHOCKED that men still get married!!! Based on the history, not many should (from a legal perspective).

Anyways OP, the big question is this. IF there was something <insert whatever label you want> that would enabled your man to have all of the legal powers to obtain everything you own or most of it.....or have ANY potential of you and your child getting completely screwed........would you sign that something?

Now you understands where he stands.

It's always best to put yourself in other people's shoes and REALLY think about the EVERYTHING.

There is ALWAYS a good reason.....


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Now every now and then some kind of marriage talk will come up and he has said he does not want to go through that again. When I hear that it makes me wonder will I ever get to marry this man, wether it be in 5 years or 10 even. When I hear him and also his mom has said how he said he do not want to get married again, it puts a lump in my heart.


I really don't understand why you think he would get married again when he has clearly said on multiple occasions that he does not want to get married again? 

I'm sorry, but you have to be very clear and very honest with him about what you want. Will it "scare" him away? It will likely lead to a decision, yes...YOUR decision. Do you want to stay with a man who never wants to get married?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have to agree with Lila , it IS a *compatibility* issue that will keep rearing it's ugly head...many men who've been burned in divorce, financially/ emotionally VOW to *never* marry again...I would even liken this to "*baggage*"-- that's the baggage he brings.. it's an "accept it" under his terms or walk away ....he's already spoken his boundaries, as did his Mother..

If Marriage is more than a piece of paper to you... and this will continue to gnaw at you, not being able to lay it down.......you may just have to break up with him.... 

No man wants pressured...and too often some will just string you along...if he feels pressured...he will grow to resent you.......it's very unfortunate.. our society no longer holds marriage as important.. he knows this.. and he agrees... this is what you have to accept here....it's not your view.. you & he are incompatible on this.. 

I wouldn't like what you are going through either. I believe in Marriage when a couple is in full blown intimacy, are committed to each other, shares a bed, a future...and everything else...it should be something to celebrate... unfortunately that's just the reality today..


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

the question for you is whether some abstract concept like marriage is more important to you than the actual relationship you already have.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What are you hoping to gain out of getting married? 

C


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Forget about men that went thru hell and divorce.

I've had a great marriage and never been divorced, and if things go south, I will tell you right now, I'm never getting married again.

Wife and I got together young, VERY young, we both had nothing and build everything we have together. 

If I was single today, I see 0 incentive to get married from a legal perspective. Heck I actually see WHOLE LOT OF downsides TO getting married.

I wouldn't' do it. Also, I don't see much difference between "marriage" and relationship to begin with. It's kind of like Holidays, some made up BS that forces people to spend money on "things".

marriage is a thing that forces people to spend THOUSANDS on one day.....

it's silly


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

I've heard some people refer to getting married as "just a piece of paper" but have wondered then if indeed it is "just a piece of paper", why not just get that piece of paper? If one isn't ready to handle the responsibilities of M and the other is, then you must decide how much time to spend wishing & hoping a marriage happens between you two.

Right now this 'wonderful man' gets to enjoy all the goodies (Do you live together also?) of M without a commitment. He isn't willing to lay his life down for you (or anyone else according to him). He hasn't placed you on a pedestal and you seem ok with it. Therefore, without the commitment there are no rules and you, after 3 years, still allow it!

The person you need to be most concerned about is not you or him, but rather the 19 y/o daughter you have. By being with this guy for 3 years now, you've given your daughter (YOU set the example) the impression that it's ok for a guy to enjoy a woman without committing to her. Further, and if you two live together, you've shown your daughter that it's ok to live and be with a man who won't marry you. I also have to speculate that now your daughter is somewhat attached to this guy, this guy you knew never wanted to never marry again.

I wouldn't look at this scenario as a "will he marry me" issue. I would/you should view what has/is happening with you and this guy as a chance to teach your daughter how to be a respectful woman by leading by example and moving-on with your life if he isn't willing to commit to M. Would you want your daughter to make this same choice in a guy as you did? Would you want your daughter to be a lifelong girlfriend to some guy who doesn't want to marry her?


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

chicago2511 said:


> Now I'm not in any rush to get married but one day I do. Now every now and then some kind of marriage talk will come up and he has said he does not want to go through that again. When I hear that it makes me wonder will I ever get to marry this man


Never. And he has clearly told you this. So why are you on this forum asking a question you already know the answer to? Do you expect us to give you a different answer on his behalf?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Methuselah said:


> Never. And he has clearly told you this. So why are you on this forum asking a question you already know the answer to? Do you expect us to give you a different answer on his behalf?


Agreed

OP needs to accept and recognize this fact.

I also think she needs to accept that marriage itself means very little (if anything).

You know, you CAN also have a wedding without actual legal marriage itself.



Asking this guy to marry is like asking Bernie Madoff victim to invest again.......ain't gonna happen.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Op I think you need to hear what he is saying. You listened but you didn't hear him. He doesn't want to get married again. Having come from a heartbreaking divorce where my x cheated on me I find myself more on the fence about marriage. I honestly don't know if I will get get married again but I have been honest with my GF about this. your boyfriend has been honest with you as well you just don't want to think that's the end.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

chicago2511 said:


> First time on this sight and first time posting anything about my relationship. Well to start off I am 36/F with a 19y/o daughter. I have been in a GREAT relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever met for just over 3 years now( I know I know LOL) He is 47 and has been divorced for about 12 years now. He dated his EX for 5 years before they married and divorced just over 2 years. Reason being she ended up cheating on him.
> Now I'm not in any rush to get married but one day I do. Now every now and then some kind of marriage talk will come up and he has said he does not want to go through that again. When I hear that it makes me wonder will I ever get to marry this man, wether it be in 5 years or 10 even. When I hear him and also his mom has said how he said he do not want to get married again, it puts a lump in my heart. I love this man so much but I also don't want to scare him or pressure him into marriage.
> How do I bring up this issue without making him uncomfortable or scaring him. I mean I understand his reservations about marriage but I don't think that should scare him especially since its been well over 10 years or am I just being the almost 40y/o wanting to be married??? any suggestions on how to approach this ??
> Thanks


You could tell him that you'd be willing to sign a pre-nup.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many people who have gone through divorce don't want to remarry. He's said he doesn't. If you want to marry then it's time to find someone who does.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You could tell him that you'd be willing to sign a pre-nup.


I have a feeling the idea of marriage seems lame now.

But at the same time, we have been seeing pre nups being overturned lately as well. Even that's not safe now days.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Methuselah said:


> Never. And he has clearly told you this. So why are you on this forum asking a question you already know the answer to? Do you expect us to give you a different answer on his behalf?



This. He's been clear, so the question is whether you can be happy without it. If the answer is yet then carry on. If not then make that clear.

I'll tell you what I told my hb 3 years into dating. Last time I posted this I got called all kinds of names because there are some guys who feel they are entitled to what they want on their terms, but the reality is that you both decide what you can live with. 

I told him that I wanted to be married and if he didn't I understood, but I'd keep my options open. Right after that the marriage talk started, and we got married 3 years later. It's been almost 4 years since and he says he doesn't know why he waited so long to marry me. But in his defense he never said he wasn't getting married, he just jerked it around. 
But I was willing to walk away..... are you? I honestly don't get this idea that marriage is such a great deal for women and screws men. I make more than my hb, so how exactly is he risking more? I would never have moved into his house, helped him pay bills, and not been married to him. Guys, if you don't want to get screwed find a partner, which might mean a little less emphasis on how hot she is. Set yourself up as the breadwinner and yes, you'll probably get the financial short end. And people who refuse marriage tend to get old by themselves, unless they can find someone of like mind. 

Don't pressure him into anything. Decide what you can live with and whether it's worth walking away. If marriage is really something you want though you should consider walking away, as you will come to resent this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Some men (not all of course) view marriage as something applicable if you are planning to have children. Were you? If a man says he isn't going to marry after being with you as long as he has, believe him. You need to decide if his choice is a deal breaker for you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I tend to agree with a lot of the others here, he has told you what he doesn't want so you should decide if this is the man for you or if you can compromise on what you want.

In my situation I have been married/divorced once and my partner has been through it twice, we are late 40's, mid 50's. Marriage is something we both want but are waiting till most of our combined 5 kids are finished Secondary schooling in about 3 years time. We live as a married couple now and have great, open discussions on all aspects of life. Initially he said he never wanted to get married again because he believed he failed at it twice, what he actually failed at was picking the right woman. My position on marriage was that I did want to do it again, I was not bitter about marriage and I had also chosen the wrong person previously. 
Anyway we now both want marriage as much as each other but there is no hurry. We will be having just our kids there when we do marry.

WHo knows what the future holds, first thing though is to be absolutely sure he is the right man for you.




> NOW, onto the part that is of his concern. LEGAL. Marriage is a legal agreement between 2 parties, legal agreement in which woman has an upper hand and can literally strip the men of EVERYTHING HE HAS.
> 
> Put yourself in his position, I'm SURE you would be scared as well, especially if you went thru hell in your previous marriage.
> 
> I'm actually SHOCKED that men still get married!!! Based on the history, not many should (from a legal perspective).


 As for this type of thinking, it is appalling. Men, women and children are ALL impacted financially by divorce and shock horror most women work either inside and outside of the home, contributing to family assets and finances. Some men seem to think family money is all their own personal money and assets when it comes to divorce, thankfully the courts get it right most of the time and divide assets fairly if those concerned are unable to come to a fair agreement.
Divorce sets everyone back financially not just men.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> This. He's been clear, so the question is whether you can be happy without it. If the answer is yet then carry on. If not then make that clear.
> 
> I'll tell you what I told my hb 3 years into dating. Last time I posted this I got called all kinds of names because there are some guys who feel they are entitled to what they want on their terms, but the reality is that you both decide what you can live with.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I don't know why you would get called names that seems a perfectly reasonable response. If my GF came to me tonight and said listen I want to get married someday do you ? my response would be the same as it always has been which is I honestly don't know. If she then said she needed to move on cause she didn't want to wait on the possibility I would hate loosing her but I would totally respect her decision. I'm not in this realtionship alone.


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## chicago2511 (Jan 14, 2015)

Thanks guys. But just to clarify we never really had THE TALK. Most of the marriage talk stuff was more when we saw people TV and commented on how fast and demanding some of the people were to insist on getting married. The actual TAlK about US getting married never came up. Also he has said and if course it stuck in my head . When his fried was getting married and having his bachelor party he said if he ever gets married again he would just have a fishing trip with the guys. So that left me some hope. Like I said I would never pressure or give an ultimatum to someone that I love. I do think there a a chance but if not I am not going anywhere. Plus it's not about what I would gain we are both in the same profession so we are on the same page almost just one has more years on the job. Maybe I'm just venting my issue to strangers that have been, are in, or just someone's honest opinion.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ok well if you havent had the talk why would you be hesitant to do so? you have been dating for 3 years. i would think at this point you would want to know that your expecations and desires moving forward are on the same page.

if you dont do this and clarify then any assumption you make could be wrong. and if it is you will only have yourself to blame. Just communicate that you would like to get married one day and want to know what his thoughts are. that isnt't threatening.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You could tell him that you'd be willing to sign a pre-nup.


Here we have Binding Financial Agreements and it is not uncommon for those going into marriage after divorce to get one. 

I would never get married without one and like most women I know have assets to protect for myself and my kids. 

Reminds me of the Seinfeld ep. when George asks Susan to sign a pre nup and she pisses herself laughing. Men do not have the monopoly on having money and assets.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Holland said:


> Here we have Binding Financial Agreements and it is not uncommon for those going into marriage after divorce to get one.
> 
> I would never get married without one and like most women I know have assets to protect for myself and my kids.
> 
> Reminds me of the Seinfeld ep. when George asks Susan to sign a pre nup and she pisses herself laughing. Men do not have the monopoly on having money and assets.


Agree with you I think anytime you have kids and then get into a new marriage you must have a prenup to protect your assests for your children. That goes for Men and Women


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chicago2511 said:


> Now I'm not in any rush to get married but one day I do. Now every now and then some kind of marriage talk will come up and *he has said he does not want to go through that again.* When I hear that it makes me wonder will I ever get to marry this man, wether it be in 5 years or 10 even. *When I hear him and also his mom has said how he said he do not want to get married again,* it puts a lump in my heart. I love this man so much but I also don't want to scare him or pressure him into marriage.
> How do I bring up this issue without making him uncomfortable or scaring him. I mean I understand his reservations about marriage but I don't think that should scare him especially since its been well over 10 years or am I just being the almost 40y/o wanting to be married??? any suggestions on how to approach this ??
> Thanks



It seems it's pretty common knowledge that he's already made up his mind about marriage and I don't particularly blame him.
If for some reason my marriage failed there's no way in hell I'd ever do this again.

You should sit him down and ask him about it one more time then respect his wish to not be married.

If that's a dealbreaker for you then move on quickly and cleanly but don't drag him around.

I don't know why you'd want to end a good relationship over what is essentially a piece of paper.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MrsHaf said:


> I can understand him being reserved after leaving a failed marriage...but he shouldnt make you suffer because of that. Everyone has to move on at a point in their life and at some point he has to stop letting his first failed marriage control his new life and relationship with you.


How is he making her "suffer"?

I also don't see how his first failed mariage is controlling his life anymore than any life experience does.
Do you not learn from your mistakes also?

He has been up front with her about never wanting to get married again and for what sounds like damn good reasons.

She should actually "listen" to what he's saying and either respect that and live with it or break it off and move on.

He is in no way at fault here.


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## chicago2511 (Jan 14, 2015)

tacoma said:


> chicago2511 said:
> 
> 
> > Now I'm not in any rush to get married but one day I do. Now every now and then some kind of marriage talk will come up and *he has said he does not want to go through that again.* When I hear that it makes me wonder will I ever get to marry this man, wether it be in 5 years or 10 even. *When I hear him and also his mom has said how he said he do not want to get married again,* it puts a lump in my heart. I love this man so much but I also don't want to scare him or pressure him into marriage.
> ...


Well it's not a deal breaker and I would never end this relationship over a "piece of paper" as you say.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening chicago2511 and everyone

As others have said, he has politely made his position clear. I don't think "having a talk" will help - it might pressure him into something he doesn't want, but that isn't to anyone's benefit.

You need to decide for yourself if you are happy for things to continue the way they are. There is no right or wrong decision here, it is just what you want. 

If you decide that marriage is important to YOU, then you need to let him know that you have decided to leave because of that - no fault to him, he has been honest, but no fault to you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chicago2511 said:


> Well it's not a deal breaker and I would never end this relationship over a "piece of paper" as you say.


That's great.

However your post above shows me that you haven't really had this discussion with him.

His off the cuff statements about marriage might just be sour grapes.

You won't know until you sit him down and explain to him what you want out of life, ask him what he wants out of life and see if y'all can come to some compromise/agreement that works for both of you.

It's been three years, the talk is overdue.


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## chicago2511 (Jan 14, 2015)

tacoma said:


> MrsHaf said:
> 
> 
> > I can understand him being reserved after leaving a failed marriage...but he shouldnt make you suffer because of that. Everyone has to move on at a point in their life and at some point he has to stop letting his first failed marriage control his new life and relationship with you.
> ...


I don't feel like he's making me suffer. Also I have never been married so I don't have that past "mistake." Yes I do have other "mistakes" or wrong decisions, but I don't and won't let that stop me from moving on or enjoying my life. also I do "listen"just want some opinions outside the box thats all. No harm no foul.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I too think you and your partner should both clarify your positions on marriage. It doesn't have to be a heavy, heart wrenching conversation, just discussion of an important topic.

He has the right to not get married again, just as you have the right to want to. The problem here is neither of you really know what the other one wants. He might just surprise you 

My husband and I were both very clear on wanting to get married. He has been divorced once before, this is my first (and my only) marriage. His timeline was a little longer than mine, but we compromised and were both very excited in the lead up to our wedding. We have a very happy, loving marriage 

I can remember one night before we were engaged, we were talking about the future, and I said to him that if he wasn't ready to get married (he never said he wasn't, I was just being clear on my feelings) that I needed to know that, but if he was ready then get on with it, hehehe. A few weeks later he proposed


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chicago2511 said:


> I don't feel like he's making me suffer. Also I have never been married so I don't have that past "mistake." Yes I do have other "mistakes" or wrong decisions, but I don't and won't let that stop me from moving on or enjoying my life. also I do "listen"just want some opinions outside the box thats all. No harm no foul.


I don't mean to ride you, it sounded like he had already stated his position on marriage from your OP and you were unwilling to accept it.
I've seen that a lot and it rarely ends well.

However from some of your other posts here I can see that you two haven't "really" talked about this.

I think you should do so in a way that lets him know marriage is what you want but isn't a dealbreaker if he just can't/won't.
No pressure.

You might be surprised by the outcome.

Good luck!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You didn't need to make it "THE talk". But when he mentioned his preference for future marital status, that was your queue to mention your thoughts as well. No need for ultimatums or anything, just a discussion and sharing of thoughts.

FWIW... My GF and I (I'm also 47, btw) are kind of on the same page as each other. Both out of marriages, and in no hurry to get married again. She brings up the idea of a "lease", but to be honest, getting married brings us nothing that we don't already have. I could see it being more important if we were reproducing, but that's not on the table at all.

C


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Just my opinion, “when is it ok to bring up marriage” when it feels right for both of you simple. Relationships come in 101 and 1 flavour as long as your both happy is what counts. I take it you have went through evolutions in being together, meeting, getting close, saying exclusive to each other, I want to be with you.

It moved at own pace and each step you probably did not think about reflect it just flowed can’t force it. Only you decide if a relationship must end with marriage as an end to hit your mark it’s 2015 and many people have deep, committed relationships without a ring I am in no way under mining marriage but it’s not for all. There are many levels of commitment you can explore together if he is against marriage but you feel you want more both valid points and no blame or hurt to any side. Find a compromise you and he can live with. It’s the way just move it on step by step he was burned so one toe at the time just cause he don’t want to jump in 2 foot relax, work it up you got this far together in flow rest will come in same way.

Just my thoughts I think you asked a question no one can answer but you. 

For reference I said no first time my husband asked to marry me part of a can we live together deal. NO you ask because you want to live together for 2 years and he asked straight that was yes. So never know where a life goes chicago2511 talk it out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> :iagree:
> I don't know why you would get called names that seems a perfectly reasonable response. If my GF came to me tonight and said listen I want to get married someday do you ? my response would be the same as it always has been which is I honestly don't know. If she then said she needed to move on cause she didn't want to wait on the possibility I would hate loosing her but I would totally respect her decision. I'm not in this realtionship alone.


That's because your don't have a victim mentality, you understand that we all decide what's best for ourselves. I think the name callers were people with victim mentalities who felt like they were at the mercy of mean women. 

I think more people should make their needs clear, that would solve some problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chicago2511 (Jan 14, 2015)

tacoma said:


> chicago2511 said:
> 
> 
> > I don't feel like he's making me suffer. Also I have never been married so I don't have that past "mistake." Yes I do have other "mistakes" or wrong decisions, but I don't and won't let that stop me from moving on or enjoying my life. also I do "listen"just want some opinions outside the box thats all. No harm no foul.
> ...


Thanks. I take everything on forums with a grain of salt. Just looking for other insights on things. It's just are we both in the law enforcement field and our main goal is to come home to each other safe. And I don't discuss some things like this at work. To a point at least 
Thanks again


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Holland said:


> As for this type of thinking, it is appalling. Men, women and children are ALL impacted financially by divorce and shock horror most women work either inside and outside of the home, contributing to family assets and finances. Some men seem to think family money is all their own personal money and assets when it comes to divorce, thankfully the courts get it right most of the time and divide assets fairly if those concerned are unable to come to a fair agreement.
> Divorce sets everyone back financially not just men.


Fair ehh?

I have not met too many divorced men that weren't raped in courts.

I know this depends on the state, but there has been plenty of evidence to prove you quite wrong.

Courts are swayed towards women when it comes to weatlth distribution and child custody.


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