# Question for the ladies: 'just want friends' on a dating site?



## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

A girl sent me a message on POF yesterday. She seemed cool so I responded. I guess we were both bored at work because we were practically chatting in real time all afternoon. It was a lot of fun, our senses of humour clicked and we shared a lot of interests. When the day was done, she asked if I wanted to go for a coffee and I agreed, so we met up and went for a walk and chatted, and at the end agreed to get together again next week.

Today I wished her a happy birthday (because it is) and we sent some more messages before she said ‘before we go any further, I need to tell you I’m not looking for anything romantic and don’t want to lead you on. But you’re a really fun guy and would make a great friend etc etc.’

Alas, I do feel led on. Not least of all by her profile which states in several places she’s looking for dating turning into a relationship. I’ve politely told her this and am now unhappily calling it quits. It really did seem too good to be true, but I got caught up in talking to a pretty girl who I seemed to really get along with (what guy wouldn’t?)

The question to you fine ladies of TAM is: would you do this? If so, why? Is this some sort of weird screening process for potential guys?

:scratchhead:

After the bad experiences I’ve had meeting girls on dating sites, this seemed like it would be a really good one, but instead has turned out worse than most!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I suspect that she's interested in dating, but for whatever reason, she's decided that she's no longer interested in dating _you_. My guess is that she felt no sexual attraction when the two of you met in person. 

She should just say that you two aren't compatible, but she's playing the "just friends" card instead. I would assume that she will taper off contact pretty quickly, unless you signal further willingness to continue hovering in the friend-zone.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Yeah, that sounds about right to me. I have absolutely no interest in being in the friend zone. 

My co-worker (a middle-aged single lady) has told me that I should have kept on seeing her because things might have developed but I felt the girl's message made things pretty clear.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

testpilot21 said:


> The question to you fine ladies of TAM is: would you do this? If so, why? Is this some sort of weird screening process for potential guys?


 It is not "some sort of weird screening process for potential guys", it is the normal screen process for potential guys. This process is called dating. 

Look, she went for coffee with you and decided that you did not do it for her romantically, but did not want to hurt your feelings. That is all that there is to it. Lets put the shoe on the other foot. If you showed up for coffee, and she was 400 lbs and did nothing for you romantically, but was otherwise very fun to be with, would you tell her that she did not do it for you romantically, or would you find a polite way to tell her?


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

:iagree:

It sounds like after a couple of dates she's finding that she isn't physically attracted to you despite the fact that she finds you fun and enjoys hanging out with you.

It happens...sometimes it isn't even anything physical about you. It can be mannerisms, differing perspectives, etc.

There's a million reason why people are attracted to each other and million more why they aren't.

I recently read a study about how important scent is to attraction. Scent is linked to your immune system and by biology we are attracted to people who have complimentary immune systems.

I wouldn't take it personally. I don't see the big deal with hanging out with her as a friend until you meet Miss Right.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I don't understand why it's such a terrible thing to be "just friends" with someone you get along with :scratchhead:

Not every connection is meant to be romantic/sexual. Doesn't mean they aren't valuable.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

TRy said:


> It is not "some sort of weird screening process for potential guys", it is the normal screen process for potential guys. This process is called dating.


I would agree, *IF* she hadn't turned around and said she wasn't and never had been looking for anything romantic. 



> Lets put the shoe on the other foot. If you showed up for coffee, and she was 400 lbs and did nothing for you romantically, but was otherwise very fun to be with, would you tell her that she did not do it for you romantically, or would you find a polite way to tell her?


For one thing, these dating profiles have pictures, so if she was 400lbs in reality she'd have lied about that. For another, her actual profile says she's looking for a relationship, and the first thing I did when she messaged me was went and read her profile, so I saw that! To turn around and try to spare my feelings by saying her intentions are otherwise ain't honest.



> I don't understand why it's such a terrible thing to be "just friends" with someone you get along with
> 
> Not every connection is meant to be romantic/sexual. Doesn't mean they aren't valuable.


It's not a terrible thing to be friends. I'd find it difficult to be friends with someone who I knew hadn't been straight with me from the very beginning.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jetranger said:


> It's not a terrible thing to be friends. I'd find it difficult to be friends with someone who I knew hadn't been straight with me from the very beginning.


She was straight with you from the start. You knew her for what, a day?

What might have happened is that it all started to move too quickly. She got concerned because of this. So she wanted to slow things down a bit.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She was straight with you from the start. You knew her for what, a day?
> 
> *What might have happened is that it all started to move too quickly. She got concerned because of this. So she wanted to slow things down a bit*.



this is possible.... so the lesson today here is don't blow up your afternoon messaging someone you never met. 

OTOH, we don't really know why she lost interest in you. I do agree with the others that the "let's be friends" is her nice way of letting you down.

Now that I understand men better these days, my advice to you is to leave her alone and start anew with someone else of interest. She may be one of those types who will expect you to treat her like a date while she is still trying to hit on other guys -- and right in front of you, too.

Move on....... but hopefully a bit wiser this time.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm afraid initial dating is very much a screening process. We cannot know until we've dated someone whether or not we want to pursue a romantic relationship with them.

I think she's probably let you down gently, OP, and you're best moving on and finding someone else.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

She wasn't into you for whatever reason when she met your in person. She played the "I'm not looking to date/Let's be friends" card because she didn't want to hurt your feelings. I mean come on, she's on a dating site!! Of course she is looking to date. But she didn't want to date you.

True story. There is no more to it than that.

Just move on to the next one. Eventually, the right one will be there.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

always_alone said:


> I don't understand why it's such a terrible thing to be "just friends" with someone you get along with :scratchhead:
> 
> Not every connection is meant to be romantic/sexual. Doesn't mean they aren't valuable.


Because the fact of the matter is, she doesn't really want to just be friends either.

She wants a romantic interest.

So they established rapport via text ... met up, and she wasn't feeling it.

And this is where ladies get to save face, they offer "friendship" instead ... so when I say, "No thanks, I'm not looking for a friend." She has just transferred the onus for ending the relationship onto me ... rather than taking responsibilty for her own feelings, as Rowan pointed out in her reply.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> this is possible.... so the lesson today here is don't blow up your afternoon messaging someone you never met.


Yeah. She messaged me in the morning, I responded and then got back to work and only noticed she'd responded almost immediately later in the afternoon. That was when the quickfire messaging started, followed by her inviting me for a coffee.



> Move on....... but hopefully a bit wiser this time.


Yup. Experience is what you gain when you don't get what you want. 

Thanks for in the input all.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Because the fact of the matter is, she doesn't really want to just be friends either.
> 
> She wants a romantic interest.


Since they met on a dating sites, and only knew each other for a day, you and the others are probably right that she is just letting him down easily. "It's not you, it's me", type of thing.

But it is actually possible for a person seeking a romantic connection to meet people that they genuinely like and would enjoy being friends with -- while recognizing that a more intimate connection would be a mistake with that particular person. 

I often get the impression here at TAM, though, that men think friendship with a woman is some sort of punishment or humiliation. Either she's doling out sex or she's not worth anything


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

always_alone said:


> But it is actually possible for a person seeking a romantic connection to meet people that they genuinely like and would enjoy being friends with -- while recognizing that a more intimate connection would be a mistake with that particular person.
> 
> I often get the impression here at TAM, though, that men think friendship with a woman is some sort of punishment or humiliation. Either she's doling out sex or she's not worth anything


We're just left with respecting the other person's choice in the matter.

But I agree, I can never understand why the women I become romantically involved with don't like me getting together with my girl-friends 

I know the place you are coming from AA and it's an admirable one. It's also a rarity in the dating trenches ... if both parties are very honest, no doubt it can work.

It's a slippery slope. 

I have no issue with pre-existing friendships. Not my place to dictate. But if I'm not digging it ... I'm gone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Since they met on a dating sites, and only knew each other for a day, you and the others are probably right that she is just letting him down easily. "It's not you, it's me", type of thing.
> 
> But it is actually possible for a person seeking a romantic connection to meet people that they genuinely like and would enjoy being friends with -- while recognizing that a more intimate connection would be a mistake with that particular person.
> 
> I often get the impression here at TAM, though, that men think friendship with a woman is some sort of punishment or humiliation. *Either she's doling out sex or she's not worth anything*


I don't agree with that. I do see some problems with the friend dynamic. Male femal friendships that develop over time --like years or decades even -- through shared experiences like school, work, extended families, can be real.

this LSJBF as a consolation prize is not real. It's a cover. A lot of women use it as a holding pattern for male company until they find the guy they really want. In the meantime, the guy is spending his money -- as if he were on a real date, being concerned about the woman's safety -- as if he were on real date; allowing his female "friend" to c0ckblock other potential interest -- as if he were on a real date........

There is no telling how this woman would have acted if he had bought the offer of friendship and then treated her just like a friend ie making her pay; making her get her own ride home; and trying to hit on other women in front of her.

The OP is better off moving on. If he wants female friends, he should become parts of social circles where the same men and women socialize relatively regularly and he can get to know these women....... without having to ask for their phone number.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> A lot of women use it as a holding pattern for male company until they find the guy they really want. In the meantime, the guy is spending his money -- as if he were on a real date, being concerned about the woman's safety -- as if he were on real date; allowing his female "friend" to c0ckblock other potential interest -- as if he were on a real date........


Maybe some do, but I doubt that most women hold such expectations of their male friends. A friend is a friend, and we don't expect our friends to treat us to free dinners, trips to the theatre etc. 

As for c0ckblocking, I've always encouraged / supported my male friends in their romantic pursuits, just as I do my female friends.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

In my personal experience POF was full of emotionally unavailable people. They don't want to be alone but are too commitment phobic to be with anyone. Just my 2 cents.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Maybe some do, but I doubt that most women hold such expectations of their male friends. A friend is a friend, and we don't expect our friends to treat us to free dinners, trips to the theatre etc.
> 
> As for c0ckblocking, I've always encouraged / supported my male friends in their romantic pursuits, just as I do my female friends.


:iagree:

I don't even expect my dates to buy me anything. Why would I expect a friend to? And why wouldn't I want him to find a relationship that would make him happy? I've always wished that for my male friends --even introduced them to women I thought they would like.

I've no doubt there are some women who are all about using some guy up until Mr.Right comes along, but is that really a norm? 

I'll never understand this men and women can't be friends thing. Do men really expect the woman he's pursuing has no male friends, and vice versa? How would that even be possible? And what, we're supposed to drop all our friends the second someone decides they want sex with us?

But I'm off on a tangent that's probably no help to OP, so I'll stop now.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I have no issue with pre-existing friendships. Not my place to dictate. But if I'm not digging it ... I'm gone.


Yes, of course. You, OP, anyone, if you don't like hanging out, don't do it. You think you're being used, get out. No argument of that point.

But contrary to TAM sensibilities, I actually think men and women can be quite genuine in friendship. It isn't always a cover or a slippery slope.

Okay, I'm really done now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

always_alone said:


> But contrary to TAM sensibilities, I actually think men and women can be quite genuine in friendship. It isn't always a cover or a slippery slope.


:iagree: There is this thing called _boundaries . . ._


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Incidentally, OP, I was horrified recently when my son told me he'd joined POF. Over the years I've heard so many negative stories about that site, and what my son told me has confirmed some of it. The ratio of women to men is vast, and it can really be a self-esteem buster for young people - particularly men.

If you're going to use a dating site, you might find it better on a subscription site. At least then there's more likelihood of you meeting others who are looking for proper relationships rather than random flirtations.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> A girl sent me a message on POF yesterday. She seemed cool so I responded. I guess we were both bored at work because we were practically chatting in real time all afternoon. It was a lot of fun, our senses of humour clicked and we shared a lot of interests. When the day was done, she asked if I wanted to go for a coffee and I agreed, so we met up and went for a walk and chatted, and at the end agreed to get together again next week.
> 
> Today I wished her a happy birthday (because it is) and we sent some more messages before she said ‘before we go any further, I need to tell you I’m not looking for anything romantic and don’t want to lead you on. But you’re a really fun guy and would make a great friend etc etc.’
> 
> ...


Simply translated she found someone else. Hard pill to swallow but it happens. Maybe new person has newer car or more money. Whatever the reason you were right to cut this off. Keep fishing!


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

re: M+F friendships: Ever since high school, the majority of my friends have been female. My best friend is female, but like always_alone mentioned, her boyfriend is NOT COOL with us hanging out because he doesn't like or trust other men. He knows she'd dump his ass if he started telling her what to do, though.



Cosmos said:


> If you're going to use a dating site, you might find it better on a subscription site. At least then there's more likelihood of you meeting others who are looking for proper relationships rather than random flirtations.


I find the standard of people is somewhat higher on OKC. Somewhat. I've had nicer dates with nicer girls from OKC than POF. I'm reluctant to try a paid site simply because it might be full of timewasters too... just ones with $15 a month to burn.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"just friends? cool, come over and help me move a few heavy things"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You guys talked for one day online and met up and she decided she wasn't into you after the meet-up. It happens.

She probably said she just was looking for friends to soften the blow--because her profile says she is looking to date, and she is on a dating site. My guess if she just doesn't want to date you. For what ever reason. Don't take it too personally.

Could be you guys divulged too much too soon on the messages back and forth? It was too much too fast? Nonetheless, it was not a match so carry on.

Plenty of fish in the sea, just like the site says.



Jetranger said:


> The question to you fine ladies of TAM is: would you do this? If so, why? Is this some sort of weird screening process for potential guys?


I would have said I was not interested, so yes, I would have done what she did. Granted, she said she only was looking for friends which isn't true, but I would have said "I am not interested in going out again" just because I like to be honest with people and not led them on thinking there will be more dates when there won't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jetranger said:


> re: M+F friendships: Ever since high school, the majority of my friends have been female. My best friend is female, but like always_alone mentioned, her boyfriend is NOT COOL with us hanging out


I can't imagine why he isn't a fan of her male best friend.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I can't imagine why he isn't a fan of her male best friend.


He never was, even before _that_.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't think "let's just be friends" is really *dishonest* in a dating context - it's a classic way of trying to let someone down easy. Maybe it's a little indirect. Maybe she wasn't even sure what she wanted -- people can be like that in some scenarios, e.g. coming off the end of a long relationship, thinking they want to date and then realizing they're not ready. She most likely was just not that into you, accept it and move on. She didn't wrong you, she tried and it didn't work out. Learning not to be resentful about that will help you in the long run.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jetranger said:


> He never was, even before _that_.


Before _what_?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Jetranger said:


> My best friend is female, but like always_alone mentioned, her boyfriend is NOT COOL with us hanging out because he doesn't like or trust other men. He knows she'd dump his azz if he started telling her what to do, though.


I wouldn't be cool with that, either, but unlike the bf, I would have NEXT'd her...quickly.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, I think I would not put much more time and energy worrying about this girl and what her motives were. Honestly she is damned if she did or damned if she doesn’t on this. I think she enjoyed your conversations and was interested but for whatever reason when you guys met up she didn’t have that spark needed to take it further. If she emailed you with, Hi thanks for getting coffee but I did just not find you attractive, would that be better for you? 

Good thing is you know this early and not wasted each other’s time so you are free to move on and find someone that is more of a match for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> I wouldn't be cool with that, either, but unlike the bf, I would have NEXT'd her...quickly.




I dated a guy who was best friends with a chick...who it later turned out happened to be his ex. We didn't last very long.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> If she emailed you with, Hi thanks for getting coffee but I did just not find you attractive, would that be better for you?


Yes. I know not every guy would agree.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Jetranger said:


> Yes. I know not every guy would agree.


Well, you're not going to get that kind of forthrightness 9/10 times, so just assume that "I'd rather be friends" means the same thing unless you have reason to believe otherwise.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Well, she was testing you. Did you have an alpha response, or were you just gonna be some boring beta orbiter... 

You should have had her pay for the coffee. Since you blew that, ignore her message and make her pay next time. Unless you don't like her much, then don't contact her again.

Where's that testosterone they've been promising around here...


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Q tip said:


> You should have had her pay for the coffee.


All of it or just hers? She bought her own.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> All of it or just hers? She bought her own.


OMG... Worse than I thought...


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

OP

Please read MMSLP and probably NMMNG

They are not what you think. You may find them interesting


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Op I have been on dates from POF. So far none of them have been right for me or I have not been right for them. I have also been on paid dating sites.... Exactly the same. 

I just keep reminding myself that it will happen when it's right. Keep your head up and keep trying is all you can do

Oh, sometimes it's good to take a break and regroup. Good luck in your fishing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you play your cards right, and if she's sexually attracted but not emotionally attracted, then you got yourself a FWB 

So brave the friend zone if you like - depending on what she's attracted to. If she's not sexually attracted though, and you are - then it's best to move on and salvage nothing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, RD. She told him no. No means no.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Oh? Then nevermind, he be better off with the next one!


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

Jetranger said:


> A girl sent me a message on POF yesterday. She seemed cool so I responded. I guess we were both bored at work because we were practically chatting in real time all afternoon. It was a lot of fun, our senses of humour clicked and we shared a lot of interests. When the day was done, she asked if I wanted to go for a coffee and I agreed, so we met up and went for a walk and chatted, and at the end agreed to get together again next week.
> 
> Today I wished her a happy birthday (because it is) and we sent some more messages before she said ‘before we go any further, I need to tell you I’m not looking for anything romantic and don’t want to lead you on. But you’re a really fun guy and would make a great friend etc etc.’
> 
> ...


Fvck no. That's manipulative and misleading. That's a messed up story dude..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Eh? She seems pretty normal to me


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