# Update on Divorce proceedings



## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Hi All, things are moving slow on my end. I have the pleasure of seeing my stbx at every dr's appointment and school activity, so every time I think I'm healing, I go down the rabbit hole. Here I am, knowing all that he had done to me, to our children, while he stands, as callous and cold as a winter night in Alaska. It's hard to really accept that this is who he really is. Although, I must say, he has for the most part been cold. But the little crumbs in the years we've been married, kept me hoping for a good man to just be there. I know what you're all saying, please don't be a fool, but I am. So just writing to come back on here as this has been my safe haven and you've all been my support. I am hoping for salvation, in the sense that my heart will follow quickly to what my head is saying at times of clarity, that he cheated, probably not the first time, that he lied over and over again, that his mocking me and telling to go kill myself, and he hoped that I'd rot and die...the list goes on, would bring me peace, that we're all looking for, the indifference.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> Hi All, things are moving slow on my end. I have the pleasure of seeing my stbx at every dr's appointment and school activity, so every time I think I'm healing, I go down the rabbit hole. Here I am, knowing all that he had done to me, to our children, while he stands, as callous and cold as a winter night in Alaska. It's hard to really accept that this is who he really is. Although, I must say, he has for the most part been cold. But the little crumbs in the years we've been married, kept me hoping for a good man to just be there. I know what you're all saying, please don't be a fool, but I am. So just writing to come back on here as this has been my safe haven and you've all been my support. I am hoping for salvation, in the sense that my heart will follow quickly to what my head is saying at times of clarity, that he cheated, probably not the first time, that he lied over and over again, that his mocking me and telling to go kill myself, and he hoped that I'd rot and die...the list goes on, would bring me peace, that we're all looking for, the indifference.


It's in your best interest to get rid of him Anyone that would tell you to kill yourself , isn't worth your time. You have dodged a bullet. Live with it or get rid of it !
I pray for you to heal
Jimi


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> It's in your best interest to get rid of him Anyone that would tell you to kill yourself , isn't worth your time. You have dodged a bullet. Live with it or get rid of it !
> I pray for you to heal
> Jimi


Thank you! I'm trying to just focus on my kids and getting things done.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your heart is trying very hard to overrule your brain. Whenever that happened to me, I would visualize a huge red stop sign and tell myself “NO”. It wasn’t quick and it wasn’t easy but over time my brain slowly took over and I reached a point of indifference.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Your heart is trying very hard to overrule your brain. Whenever that happened to me, I would visualize a huge red stop sign and tell myself “NO”. It wasn’t quick and it wasn’t easy but over time my brain slowly took over and I reached a point of indifference.


Thank you. I realize it'll be a while to truly be indifferent. I guess it's hard to understand his behavior, but again, I've never been able to understand him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t know why it’s so hard to see the truth, but a person’s mind will make up all kinds of excuses to dodge instant pain, and divorce is really painful and instantaneous. However, one’s mind can still see reason snd you have to go with the part of your brain that sees that reason, instead of messing up your life by letting the pain dodging part of your mind take over. 
I have a part of my mind that is still in pain over a woman that gave me silent treatment for days snd even weeks, had zero empathy for others, and made me feel beneath her in countless ways, along with being a looney bird over everyday things she made up in her head. 
I’ve learned not to listen to that part of my mind that wants to relive the good parts of the relationship, at the expense of ignoring memories of the truly awful things she’d do.

You will have to do that. Ignore that part of you that wants to ignore the obvious torture this guy has put you through, just to try to relive the fleeting moments of happiness that your mind likely exaggerates as a defense mechanism.

Any man that would cheat and tell his wife to kill herself………. Please don’t give him any more chances to ruin your peace and happiness that you might build with a man that actually loves you.
He’s replaceable. And you don’t have to get the Ford Pinto this time. You can trade wayyyyyyy up. Easily.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t know why it’s so hard to see the truth, but a person’s mind will make up all kinds of excuses to dodge instant pain, and divorce is really painful and instantaneous. However, one’s mind can still see reason snd you have to go with the part of your brain that sees that reason, instead of messing up your life by letting the pain dodging part of your mind take over.
> I have a part of my mind that is still in pain over a woman that gave me silent treatment for days snd even weeks, had zero empathy for others, and made me feel beneath her in countless ways, along with being a looney bird over everyday things she made up in her head.
> I’ve learned not to listen to that part of my mind that wants to relive the good parts of the relationship, at the expense of ignoring memories of the truly awful things she’d do.
> 
> ...


Thank you! My attorney told me that it's clear that I have issues setting boundaries for him, and now those will have to be put in place. You wrote about being given the silent treatment, and I completely understand. He would go for weeks and weeks, and not say anything, this had gone on for years. He would say, upon me begging him to talk, that he had trouble opening up, but the truth is that he couldn't even make small conversation. Deep down, I believe we all know something is off, we just want to see hope and goodness in them.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Glad to see you’re moving forward. I think what you may be feeling too is discomfort with breaking away from all that toxicity and drama. It’s probably very calm and quiet in your life now, without him around and that can take time to get used to the feeling of peace. The feeling of normalcy.

Setting boundaries for yourself will help your heart eventually catch up with your mind.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Glad to see you’re moving forward. I think what you may be feeling too is discomfort with breaking away from all that toxicity and drama. It’s probably very calm and quiet in your life now, without him around and that can take time to get used to the feeling of peace. The feeling of normalcy.
> 
> Setting boundaries for yourself will help your heart eventually catch up with your mind.


Deidre, you're right, my life is very different now. It was very very quiet with him, but I also felt so alone for many years. Now, I feel good on my own with my children. It just makes it harder to move on when I have to keep seeing him at our son's functions, but I'm working on not looking at him at all. He's used to giving me the cold shoulder and dismissing me, I can't, and won't be like him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lostinthelight said:


> Deidre, you're right, my life is very different now. It was very very quiet with him, but I also felt so alone for many years. Now, I feel good on my own with my children. It just makes it harder to move on when I have to keep seeing him at our son's functions, but I'm working on not looking at him at all. He's used to giving me the cold shoulder and dismissing me, I can't, and won't be like him.


They say (who is this mysterious they?? 😒) that some things in life make us stronger, and we have to go through them to make it to the other side. I'm confident that you'll emerge from this stronger than you can imagine.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My suggestion is for you to find some time to develop hobbies that give you pride in yourself and your accomplishments. Your pride and confidence in a new you will make the healing go quicker.

Depending on the age of your children. In the afternoons, go walking with them. Maybe train and sign up for a 5K charity fun-run. Many allow some walking and allow participants to push jogging strollers in the run. If that doesn't work, maybe you can take them to swimming classes at a community pool or some other activity. 

Good luck. Posting and venting is a great way get things off your chest to heal.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> They say (who is this mysterious they?? 😒) that some things in life make us stronger, and we have to go through them to make it to the other side. I'm confident that you'll emerge from this stronger than you can imagine.


This is my 2nd divorce to an abusive man, and there is alot of shame and guilt, especially towards my children for who their fathers are.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> This is my 2nd divorce to an abusive man, and there is alot of shame and guilt, especially towards my children for who their fathers are.


All you can do is wrap your children in love and light...Hopefully your children will realize things and how they interact with others when they get older , date , marry ect. 
Especially as they see you in pain. I'm sure they have seen you cry ect. 😢 

You will be ok mom...Trust me on this one


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> All you can do is wrap your children in love and light...Hopefully your children will realize things and how they interact with others when they get older , date , marry ect.
> Especially as they see you in pain. I'm sure they have seen you cry ect. 😢
> 
> You will be ok mom...Trust me on this one


Thank you! I know it'll be a long road to healing, and it's even harder to watch yet again, the brainwashing and badmouthing. He is used to me not setting boundaries out of fear of retaliation.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Lostinthelight said:


> This is my 2nd divorce to an abusive man, and there is alot of shame and guilt, especially towards my children for who their fathers are.


Don't beat yourself up. That does no good. Just use it as a learning experience going forward. Think about why you attract these type of guys. And then make a list of what you want in a guy and don't deviate from the list. I tell my kids when I start dating again, the person I end up with has to be a good fit for all of us.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lostinthelight said:


> This is my 2nd divorce to an abusive man, and there is alot of shame and guilt, especially towards my children for who their fathers are.


See this is key right here and probably explains why you continue to beg for scraps from scumbags who don't love you.

Whenever I hear the word "beg" I cringe because I don't see what satisfaction there is to be gained from anything you had to beg for. 

I too was married to two empathy lacking dirtbags so I understand that dynamic. You need extensive counseling to address why you beg for crumbs from scumbags and then feel ashamed when you don't get them. I had a ton of counseling and it was immensely helpful.

But I never begged for scraps. I just put up with a lot more abuse then I should have. Once you understand wht you're driven to do this I bet you'll have a much easier time telling him to **** off.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Don't beat yourself up. That does no good. Just use it as a learning experience going forward. Think about why you attract these type of guys. And then make a list of what you want in a guy and don't deviate from the list. I tell my kids when I start dating again, the person I end up with has to be a good fit for all of us.


You're right, I do recognize the specific traits that I have, and many have, the people pleasing, over explaining, need to do everything for them, and they first come in with all of the wonderful qualities they know a person wants, they listen, they support, once we're married, a whole different person arises. With this stbx, I did see the red flags at the very beginning, but I saw him as a victim, and wanted to help him. So yes, I see that pattern in my tendencies.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lostinthelight said:


> Thank you! I know it'll be a long road to healing, and it's even harder to watch yet again, the brainwashing and badmouthing. He is used to me not setting boundaries out of fear of retaliation.


He only has power that you give him because part of you is still begging for scraps.

Counseling will help you get over that.

My kids father did the same thing. Once I started telling him to **** off he backed down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people are really good at hiding, for awhile, who they are. I know that very well — I was married to one and engaged to another. Focus on the future.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Some people are really good at hiding, for awhile, who they are. I know that very well — I was married to one and engaged to another. Focus on the future.


I feel your pain, everyone who is on here, and I wonder why there are so many people who take, who can't self-reflect? I know we'll all persevere.


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