# Baby Crazy!



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi! Im new to forums so bear with me! :scratchhead:
Im looking for some advice as my partner and I are struggling to understand each other.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, we have lived together for 3 and as far as I was concerned having children was always on the cards.
A few months after moving in together I was feeling very broody (english phrase for really wanting a baby!) and brought it up. He basically said he didn't think we were ready, financially etc and however hard that was I understood deep down and knew he was right. For a while after that I would try to talk to him about it, not to put pressure on him but just because I feel I need to talk to someone about it, but he would become snappy and say he didn't want children after all. We never got the chance to even have an argument about it because he would just shut down and not discuss the issue. It has been underlying ever since and the word "baby" probably didn't come up in our house for 12 months (i deserve a medal!!) until recently.
I broke down and told him how important it is to me. I think about it all the time, everyone I see seems to be pregnant and I cant fight the urge I have to be a Mum. He said he knows that im desperate but he wants us to wait at least two years for financial reasons. I know he is being sensible and I appreciate that we would want to be in the best possible position for the sake of our child but I cant help feeling like its just another excuse. We are by no means on the bread line, we keep up with bills, we save and if you wait until you can afford a baby, you would never have one!
I cant help but worry that im wasting time. Ive wanted to be a Mum all my life but felt seriously ready for 2 and a half years, what if I wait another 2 years and he's still not ready?
I just wish he could feel the way I do for one day and maybe he'd see that im not crazy! Im just a Mummy without a baby


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

How old are you? I am asking because if you are still young, you can wait those two years.

Being broody is normal. However, your boyfriend is trying to be responsible by planning financially for a child. Babies are beautiful but they are not cheap. It could also be that your man is not interested in becoming a father at this time. You cannot force someone to want a child. I knew a woman who secretly went off birth control TWICE to trap her kid's father. It never worked and now the reluctant dad rarely sees his children. 

If you feel that you cannot wait those two years, you will have to make a decision about whether or not you can stay in this relationship.


----------



## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

I agree with FirstYearDown. Wait the two years if you have time. There will never be a perfect or even a right time to have children.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 25 so I know we're still young and hopefully do have plenty of time but we're very mature for our ages. I agree with everything you both have to say its just that 2 years seems like a long time when its all I can think about but thank you for your advice.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had my first child at 34. You are young and have plenty of time. Enjoy your life to the fullest before you have kids. Learn to focus on enjoyed your carefree time and those 2 years will just fly by.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If he can't commit to marriage, how on earth can he commit to fatherhood?


----------



## kcb22 (Apr 18, 2012)

First of all, you should be married before you even consider having a baby.

Second, he's right. You don't want to rush into it before you're financially ready. Go online and pick out all the things you need/want for your baby. Add it all up. You need to have that much money saved up, plus pay off your debts other than possibly car and mortgage, before you should even consider a baby.

There is a compromise to this situation. Foster a child who needs a temporary family through the foster care system. Not only will this give you a child who desperately needs the love you have to give, but they also typically provide money for the child's expenses, not to mention free healthcare and dental. This will show you and your boyfriend how you will be as parents and it will show you whether or not you're really ready for the challenges of parenthood.

You also need to get your boyfriend to be honest about whether he even wants to be married or be a father someday. If he is giving you this timeline just to placate you and not being honest, you really don't even want to risk getting pregnant with him. Have a talk about what he truly wants, no judgement and no fighting. If he doesn't want to be a father, maybe you're better off finding someone new.

Having children is not something to rush into. I am in a similar situation- I'm married and I would love to have kids. But I understand it would make life extremely complicated, it is very difficult, and I want to have everything (pay off debts, save money, etc.) in order and live life before bringing a child into this world. Take your time and get your life in order first.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

EbonyGrace said:


> I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, we have lived together for 3 and as far as I was concerned having children was always on the cards.


You're 24 and unmarried. You've been with him since you were 16. So you're high school sweethearts. Sometimes those relationships work out and sometimes they don't. My brother was with his high school sweetheart for 9 years, didn't marry her, they broke up and within a few months met the love of his life; now they're married. Don't rush things - if you're not married yet, there's a reason (a good reason) - one or both of you is NOT ready for marriage. 



> everyone I see seems to be pregnant and I cant fight the urge I have to be a Mum.


The fact that other people are pregnant has got to be the absolute worst reason to have a child that I've ever heard. Right up there with "it will fix our marital problems." WHO CARES that other people are pregnant? Other people are also bankrupt, homeless, drug addicts, and cheating on their spouses. Who cares?



> He said he knows that im desperate but he wants us to wait at least two years for financial reasons. I know he is being sensible and I appreciate that we would want to be in the best possible position for the sake of our child


So you already know that he's making the right choice, and you want to steamroll over him in order to have what you want even though you know it's not the right time? You're not even married yet and you're already pressuring him to have a child when you yourself admit it's not the right time. You are giving this man lots of really good reasons to leave you.



> I cant help but worry that im wasting time. Ive wanted to be a Mum all my life but felt seriously ready for 2 and a half years, what if I wait another 2 years and he's still not ready?


You've wanted to be a mother your whole life, so when you were 10 you wanted to be a mother - does that mean you should have been one then? Of course not. You are still very young, and despite your claim to be "mature for your age", you aren't - after all, if you were, you would appreciate your boyfriend's financial concerns. The mature thing to do is to stop pressuring him, have an adult discussion about it IF your relationship is headed toward marriage, and if you do get married, think about planning a child for when you are financially secure. The idea that you can never afford a child is B.S. Plenty of people can afford children. Just not when they're in their early 20s. 

You have at least 12 childbearing years ahead of you. Relax a little, or you will lose this man.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I had my first child at 34. You are young and have plenty of time. Enjoy your life to the fullest before you have kids. Learn to focus on enjoyed your carefree time and those 2 years will just fly by.


Thank you


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

Hicks said:


> If he can't commit to marriage, how on earth can he commit to fatherhood?


Im not asking him to commit to marriage. We are committed to each other without the need for a piece of paper to tell us that. I know he's not going anywhere.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

EbonyGrace said:


> Im not asking him to commit to marriage. We are committed to each other without the need for a piece of paper to tell us that. I know he's not going anywhere.


Oh dear. I don't know what to do with this. Sweetie, I feel for you- I really do. I know all about yearning for something. But there are good, legal, protective reasons to have a child within marriage, and a man who doesn't plan to marry you and appears not to want a child with you probably WILL 'go somewhere' at some point. It's not a good strong beginning. If this is how things stand with you, you may be better off moving on and getting together with someone who shares your goals. And don't be too quick to write off marriage - especially when a child is involved. Marriage is NOT just a piece of a paper, unless you yourself want it to be meaningless.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

kcb22 Neither of us are firm believers in marriage, we are totally committed to each other despite not wearing a ring. 

I have considered all aspects of having a child, its not something I would do on a whim! Of course I have researched things online and added up costs. We have savings and no debts so I think my life is fairly in order already.

Also, the idea of using a foster child as a practise baby is unbelievable! How anyone could think of this as a compromise to the situation is beyond me!


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

omega
How very judgemental?!
All relationships have the ability to not work out, however young you are when it starts. The strength of our relationship is not the focus of this dilemma. You're right neither of us are ready for marriage because we don't believe in it. We do, however, believe in the love and commitment we both have to keep our relationship going.
I did not use the fact that everyone I see seems t be pregnant as a reason to have a child, I was using that as an example of how this overwhelming feeling is taking over my life.
I am not pressuring him into anything, I just feel I deserve to have my feelings listened to and for him to at least try to understand. Wanting to be a mum is something that's always been important to me and he's known about it from the start. I didn't say that now isn't a good time but merely admit that in 2 years it could be a slightly better time as our savings build. I am certainly not a bad person for feeling this way or giving him good reasons to leave me!!!


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I replied again, it may have got lost in your own replies.

You were not clear in your original post about your thoughts on marriage. nevertheless... I urge you to reconsider, for the good of the child if there is to be one.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

omega said:


> I replied again, it may have got lost in your own replies.
> 
> You were not clear in your original post about your thoughts on marriage. nevertheless... I urge you to reconsider, for the good of the child if there is to be one.


Marriage is irrelevant which is why I didn't talk about it in my original post. If the importance of marriage for the sake of a child is purely legal you shouldn't be bringing a baby into that relationship anyway. My baby will be born out of love not a contract.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

EbonyGrace said:


> Marriage is irrelevant which is why I didn't talk about it in my original post. If the importance of marriage for the sake of a child is purely legal you shouldn't be bringing a baby into that relationship anyway. My baby will be born out of love not a contract.


I believe you are purposefully trying to misunderstand me. No one has said that marriage is for the purpose of childrearing. I am married and hope never to have children - I would never have gotten married if I believed that it was 'a contract' to have children. That is absurd. Anyway you have made it clear you don't believe in marriage, but because this is a _marriage forum_, forgive us for not making that assumption for you. 

I wish you luck. I don't feel I have anything further to offer you if you insist on misunderstanding my posts.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

omega said:


> I believe you are purposefully trying to misunderstand me. No one has said that marriage is for the purpose of childrearing. I am married and hope never to have children - I would never have gotten married if I believed that it was 'a contract' to have children. That is absurd. Anyway you have made it clear you don't believe in marriage, but because this is a _marriage forum_, forgive us for not making that assumption for you.
> 
> I wish you luck. I don't feel I have anything further to offer you if you insist on misunderstanding my posts.


You're right but I posted in the family and parenting thread for advice and understanding not to be lectured about marriage and be patronised. Thank you for your input.


----------



## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

I have a wonderful, beautiful daughter from my high school sweetheart. While our "marriage" didn't last very long soon after she was born, I was blessed with having her. But coming from a mother who's had to raise her child without the love and support that the other parent should've been giving her too is painful. 

I thought he was going to be a fantastic father. I thought he was the love of my life. I thought, I thought. It turned out that he was great at being a boyfriend but didn't do so well as a father. Even when we were together, I did everything for my daughter and he took very little enjoyment from doing things with/for her. While I was always ready to be a mother - I don't think he is.

Fast forward and he's just as absent in her life but we don't care. I am happily remarried to a man who's been the only father she's ever known. NOW, in retrospect, I see how different a man is who is WANTING and READY to have a child and it's unbelievably amazing. I can't tell you how much my heart is overflowing with happiness to see my husband's eyes light up at the thought of having a child. He's eager. He's helpful. He's attentive.... because he's ready and anxious to have children.

THIS is what I wish for you; that both of you are ready. It's not a question of love and in your case, marriage. I wish I could've enjoyed my pregnancy... it's an amazing experience. But with a partner that wasn't ready, it was sad. I was sad all the time. I felt so alone. 

Forcing a child on your partner at a time when he's not ready himself may one day be something that he resents your for in the future. You don't know. I didn't know that things would turn out the way it did given how much I thought we loved each other.... only for my daughter to have had her heart broken many times by a father who, by his actions (or lack-there-of) have made her feel rejected.

Take my advice or don't, just think it through.


----------



## kcb22 (Apr 18, 2012)

EbonyGrace said:


> kcb22 Neither of us are firm believers in marriage, we are totally committed to each other despite not wearing a ring.
> 
> I have considered all aspects of having a child, its not something I would do on a whim! Of course I have researched things online and added up costs. We have savings and no debts so I think my life is fairly in order already.
> 
> Also, the idea of using a foster child as a practise baby is unbelievable! How anyone could think of this as a compromise to the situation is beyond me!


I never said anything about a practice baby. I think you greatly misunderstood me.

Plenty of children out there need loving homes. Why bring more into the world before your boyfriend is ready?? Foster care is a temporary situation and the goal is to reunite the child with their birth parents at some point. Meanwhile, they get a loving home with one-on-one attention instead of sitting in a government facility with lots of other kids. Maybe foster parenting isn't for you, but to say it's unbelievable is ridiculous and immature. 

One of my best friends can't have children and she and her partner are foster parents to four wonderful children. They are in their early 20's also and they make great parents.

It is good that you have researched costs and added them up, and it's great that you're out of debt and have savings.


----------



## kcb22 (Apr 18, 2012)

I don't mean to make waves, but it seems like you only posted this so you can argue with people genuinely trying to give you good advice, since you've started arguments with nearly everyone here. You don't seem to value your boyfriend's opinion and you quite obviously don't value ours.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe she should wait the 2 years to be more ready for a baby.

I had my first at 23...and my second at 32. Way easier and more enjoyable the second time.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

I posted on this forum for a friendly ear. I am clearly feeling vulnerable and in need of good advice and understanding. I don't believe I have made arguments with everyone on here. I was happy to hear genuine advice and opinion when it was given in a friendly manner but when the minority are so vocal in their judgement I'm going to fight back.
I am by no means immature but I believe it is ridiculous to say try foster care as a compromise to the situation. If my partner isn't ready for a child of his own why bring a vulnerable and often troubled child into that environment? 
I have been made to feel like a bad person on here for daring to want to be an unmarried young mum when all I really wanted was to hear from people like barbieDoll, FirstYearDown, Going Mental and Mavash who have all given me a lot to think about. In particular barbieDoll, thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm happy you've found a wonderful husband and father.


----------



## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

EbonyGrace said:


> In particular barbieDoll, thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm happy you've found a wonderful husband and father.


It's hard to see passed "baby fever", I _totally_ get that. But with the change in hormones, even very stable mothers with fathers who want to be around feel empty and alone... what more if you're having to go through it alone if your partner didn't want it in the first place??

It's truly such an empty feeling knowing that your partner, who you love, can be so resentful or dismissive or completely _not there_ regarding YOUR baby.. together... 

In all of this, have you stepped back, put your feelings aside and REALLY tried to understand why he doesn't want one just yet? Are you sure that there aren't other underlying concerns that he has other than being financially stable??

I hope, very much, that you get to experience the whole entire thing the way it was meant to be because it's a far more amazing experience when you get to share it with a partner who is just as excited and anxious to have that baby as you are... 

Best of luck.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Having a child is about GIVING not GETTING.

From the child's perspective, is being raised in a marriage vs a shack-up irrelevant ? Certainly not. This has real ramifications on the child's emotional and physical and mental well being.

To a man, marriage means one hell of alot. I can assure you that it represents his commitment to provide for you and a child vs giving himself an easy and costless escape route.


----------



## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

The couple has to make the decision together or mentally you have to decide that you will be taking care of the baby on your own.

My father gave me the best advice when it came to having kids. He said " If you wait until you have enough money to have kids you will never have them" 

I had 2 children young and sacrificed what was necessary to give them a decent life. I tought them the most important things in life which are Love of God, Family, and Country. Everything else is focusing on material wealth and teaches nothing. Alot of great people have come from modest and even poor homes. Being a poor person has nothing to do with wealth and everything to do with character.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Having a child is about GIVING not GETTING.
> 
> From the child's perspective, is being raised in a marriage vs a shack-up irrelevant ? Certainly not. This has real ramifications on the child's emotional and physical and mental well being.
> 
> To a man, marriage means one hell of alot. I can assure you that it represents his commitment to provide for you and a child vs giving himself an easy and costless escape route.


I appreciate that for some people marriage is about stability but I don't think its fair to call what we have a shack-up. Surely a child with two loving parents who are in a stable relationship would be much happier than with parents in a love-less marriage. I trust that my partner is not the kind of man to look for an easy escape route, I would obviously not put myself or my baby in that position. I can appreciate your point of view though, thank you.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

specwar said:


> The couple has to make the decision together or mentally you have to decide that you will be taking care of the baby on your own.
> 
> My father gave me the best advice when it came to having kids. He said " If you wait until you have enough money to have kids you will never have them"
> 
> I had 2 children young and sacrificed what was necessary to give them a decent life. I tought them the most important things in life which are Love of God, Family, and Country. Everything else is focusing on material wealth and teaches nothing. Alot of great people have come from modest and even poor homes. Being a poor person has nothing to do with wealth and everything to do with character.


I totally agree with you, I want this to be something we're both excited about and ready for. I appreciate your values in life and my own family have given me the same advice.I wasn't brought up in a well to do home but my parents did what they could and we got by but I didn't feel any worse off or like I missed out. Im lucky enough to say that me and my partner are in a better position than either of our parents were so we could give a child a great life.


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

barbieDoll said:


> It's hard to see passed "baby fever", I _totally_ get that. But with the change in hormones, even very stable mothers with fathers who want to be around feel empty and alone... what more if you're having to go through it alone if your partner didn't want it in the first place??
> 
> It's truly such an empty feeling knowing that your partner, who you love, can be so resentful or dismissive or completely _not there_ regarding YOUR baby.. together...
> 
> ...


Your right baby fever is all consuming!! You raise a good point. I have asked my boyfriend to be 100% honest with me about his feelings and that if he had other reasons for not being ready I need to know now, no arguments or judgement and I'll respect his wishes. He tells me it is purely financial (think he's an accountant at heart!) and that it will happen for us one day.
I just find it hard to put this to the back of my mind when I feel so ready, emotionally and financially. I think he thinks he'll just wake up one day and be ready but life doesn't work like that. I can feel time slipping past and im worried about wasting it. Thank you for your well wishes


----------



## EbonyGrace (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi Dean!
Thank you, its nice to hear it from a guy's perspective! I understand totally and agree with you to be honest. Its just like you say some men are never ready it just happens and then they have to be. I know he will make a good dad whenever the time comes... just wish it would come a little sooner!!!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have plenty of time. Enjoy being young and childfree.


----------



## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

I fell pregnant with my first child at 27. My doctor told me it was a good age to have kids - got the partying out of the way and was mature enough to handle it but still young enough to have low risk pregnancy and energy to keep up with little ones! Give yourself until you are about 26 I would suggest. Gives your boyfriend more time to get used to the idea.
Luckily where I live, a de-facto relationship has just about the same amount of legal (& almost the same amount of moral) status as the traditional marriage. Some of the best parents I know are slightly younger and "only" living together.
Best wishes.


----------

