# Forgiveness



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself!
It truly frees you.

My darling husband. I forgive you. I truly do. The love I feel in my heart for you is the same as the day we married. We have been through a lot in our 19 years, but I wouldn't swap you for anyone else. I can't imagine my life without you. 

I'm glad I had the strength and the fortitude to forgive you, because if I didn't I would only be punishing myself. 
I truly believe in my heart that you are sorry for the pain you have caused. I see it in you everyday. We will be fine, I know we will .

I love you my darling!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hi DG41,

I wish I could say to my wife the things you said to your H!


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself!
> It truly frees you.
> 
> My darling husband. I forgive you. I truly do. The love I feel in my heart for you is the same as the day we married. We have been through a lot in our 19 years, but I wouldn't swap you for anyone else. I can't imagine my life without you.
> ...


If he reads this and does not realize what he has, I nominate him not only fool of the year but fool of the century, and we have 88 years to go.

He is very lucky!


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## t10eml (Nov 30, 2012)

I forgive my STBXW. But the marriage cannot continue like this.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I am happy for you. 

I hope someday, after we are divorced, I can forgive my husband for the pain and suffering he has caused, for tearing apart a family, and for his selfish behavior. Until then, I am trying to pick up the pieces he has left scattered all over the floor.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Well said. Without forgiveness, there can be no peace. Without peace, there can be no relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

While I openly forgive my STBXW for her sordid acts of engaging in dual affairs with two separate men from her past, even while we were living together, it is greatly in her inherent nature that she will remain defiantly deceptive and continue to be in fast denial that those illicit relationships of hers ever happened, despite the massive physical documentation that so fervently proves otherwise.

To that end, when she finally comes to grips with those aspects of her wrongdoings and then directly asks me for forgiveness for that deception, then I will be most happy to convey my heartfelt forgiveness to her!

But by no stretch of the imagination does it ever mean that I will never forget about it!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I find it is best to forgive someone. If not the hate will eat you up inside. 

Also no matter what has happen no one will ever forget. Just like the scars we get on the outside of our bodies will always be there. The wound of the heart will be there too to remind us.

It is the balance of the two that really make character


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I find the idea of forgiveness somewhat dramatic for the most part. 

I don't see how people who can are somehow liberated while those who can't are automatically bitter walking shells of themselves 

No offense to TC, as its great you feel this way. 

I personally have a harsher view, I see forgiveness merely as acceptance with more gravitas. 

But if you don't care about someone, how could you forgive them beyond empty words?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

It's not for everyone I know but in my mind there was no point in us reconciling unless I could truly forgive him. 
Of course there is still sadness and feeling of insecurity at times but I have no anger or resentment towards him.
By showing him forgiveness it has enabled us to communicate and discuss the A, our marriage, and other issues in a more loving non judgemental way.

I have forgiven him but he is yet to forgive himself. That will be a long time coming I think!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I am struggling with forgiveness myself.

In my heart, I truly have forgiven my wife, but haven't voiced that to her. 

My W is one to harbor grudges and I don't know if she will ever really forgive me. While she may say she does if I ask for it, I don't think she would feel it in her heart.

Our situation seems a bit unique here, (we both cheated), so there is a very different dynamic in action for us than most, I believe.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I'm still struggling with this because the way I see it, she got everything she wanted; she got to do everything a porn star would with the guy she really wanted to be with, got to keep her marriage, and hasn't had to deal with the trauma of dealing with a revenge affair. To me, it's like robbing a bank, buying a bunch of stuff while paying off all of your debts, and only having to pay a small fine and serve probation after the cops finally catch up to you. To say that I didn't want to do something to make myself feel wanted would be an understatement. 

To me, to forgive something like this means to accept being number one with an asterisk, which is totally unacceptable. No one wants to feel like their spouse's consolation prize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I think the difference for me though Simon is that I don't feel like the back up plan, I feel like the prize. H knows that he fvcked up hugely and he is well aware of what he has to lose. I refuse to be anybody's plan B. 

Why do you feel like the consolation prize? I'm interested to know. The reason I feel otherwise is because I didn't make H end his A. He finished it himself before we discussed any type of R or him moving home. I felt he had to make that choice for himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

old timer said:


> I am struggling with forgiveness myself.
> 
> In my heart, I truly have forgiven my wife, but haven't voiced that to her.
> 
> ...


Was one of the As a revenge A old timer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It is very difficult to truly forgive until the crimes have stopped with 100% certainty forever. To me, that's the hardest part. 

If you are still worried that it could continue or happen again, you live in this constant state of unrest - which is not peace. It's not until you've reached safety that you can let yourself feel at peace.

Funny, I've forgiven my wife for the choice she made, but I'm not at peace all of the time. I still worry one of us will screw up and derail our R.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

jim123 said:


> If he reads this and does not realize what he has, I nominate him not only fool of the year but fool of the century, and we have 88 years to go.
> 
> He is very lucky!



I am glad things worked out for you. I am hoping my wife will forgive me. 

There is a difference between forgiving someone for a transgression and being able to stay married to them. 

IMO, a person can also refuse to forgive, but only accept the transgression, and still stay married. 

My wife does not want to stay married to me, and if she can't forgive me, I will understand.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Gabriel I think that all of us who have been through the trauma of infidelity will always have that fear that it could happen again, I suppose that's one of the unfortunate side affects of the A. Where there was once blind trust, that has no gone, but, for me personally, a different kind of trust has developed, a trust based on openness and transparency, something H and I both struggled with in the past. We now have no passwords, no secrets and a new found mutual respect for each other. 

I also think I was able to forgive because I know I have not always been the best wife I could have been. I took him for granted and placed a higher priority on other things, rather than putting him first. I needed forgiveness too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I find the idea of forgiveness somewhat dramatic for the most part.
> 
> I don't see how people who can are somehow liberated while those who can't are automatically bitter walking shells of themselves
> 
> ...


That I believe is because your definition of forgiveness, as evidenced in your post, comes from a bruised ego perspective. What you fail to realize is that the damage the other person caused you will transcend into your other relationships where you will scrutinize your future mate under the same jaded perspective.

I believe you should forgive people. What I mean by this is that you should have enough self respect to acknowledge that this person did indeed cause you devastation but that your own fortitude is such that you are willing to repair the damage on your own, without the need for anyone's(primarily the betrayer's) assistance. You don't really have to declare that you forgive someone, to actually forgive someone. And you certainly don't need to accept what they did.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I think the difference for me though Simon is that I don't feel like the back up plan, I feel like the prize. H knows that he fvcked up hugely and he is well aware of what he has to lose. I refuse to be anybody's plan B.
> 
> Why do you feel like the consolation prize? I'm interested to know. The reason I feel otherwise is because I didn't make H end his A. He finished it himself before we discussed any type of R or him moving home. I felt he had to make that choice for himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because that's what I've gotten from reading the text messages, emails, etc. that I've read. I don't have to speculate as to whether she would have chosen me over the OM had they run into each other before me; I know for certain what her choice would've been. The kids and the cost of breaking up are the sole reasons why I haven't left yet.

I guess that after spending so many years being the guy that had little luck with women growing up while being told how inadequate and unexciting I am took a toll. The affair my wife had simply confirmed everything I heard growing up. To get that from folks who could care less is one thing; but to get it from your spouse is tough to swallow...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I once read an article on forgiveness. It said it isn't about saying the transgression is okay, or absolving them. It's about refusing to be a victim of the act any longer. It's something you do for you, not for them.

Kind of like letting something roll off your back because you are "above it". Those easily offended have more fragile psyches. Choosing not to be victimized shows strength.

Of course, on a much grander scale than that - and it's much more difficult when it comes from someone you love so much.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Was one of the As a revenge A old timer?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think pretty much all affairs can be rationalized as "revenge affairs", if a person is so inclined:

ie. "You did this, or you didn't do that - so I had an affair."

Know what I mean?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Daisy, yours is a compassion and grace that few are capable or willing to emulate. I am Justice incarnate, and I ruthlessly pursue recompense and cosmic balance. There are times when I forget that Justice is not as beautiful as Grace. Thank you for humbling me.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Daisy, yours is a compassion and grace that few are capable or willing to emulate. I am Justice incarnate, and I ruthlessly pursue recompense and cosmic balance. There are times when I forget that Justice is not as beautiful as Grace. Thank you for humbling me.


"Grace" is a wonderful thing


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Because that's what I've gotten from reading the text messages, emails, etc. that I've read. I don't have to speculate as to whether she would have chosen me over the OM had they run into each other before me; I know for certain what her choice would've been. The kids and the cost of breaking up are the sole reasons why I haven't left yet.
> 
> I guess that after spending so many years being the guy that had little luck with women growing up while being told how inadequate and unexciting I am took a toll. The affair my wife had simply confirmed everything I heard growing up. To get that from folks who could care less is one thing; but to get it from your spouse is tough to swallow...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simon:

I am not a big supporter of false forgiveness. Some things are not forgivable, and people need to learn that and process it. 

I totally understand my wife's inability to forgive me. I don't blame her either. 

Even if you don't forgive someone you can still make a marriage work. 

I don't think false forgiveness helps anyone. 

If you want to forgive, do so. If you don't that's okay, too. 

IMO, your wife needs to understand that what she did is unforgivable, and if you choose to forgive her, she is lucky.

But in the end, SHE should be willing to work on the marriage, even if you refuse to forgive her and only are willing to accept her breech of marriage vows.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> Daisy, yours is a compassion and grace that few are capable or willing to emulate. I am Justice incarnate, and I ruthlessly pursue recompense and cosmic balance. There are times when I forget that Justice is not as beautiful as Grace. Thank you for humbling me.


Thank you! Very sweet words.
Some of you might find it difficult to understand, but I decided to forgive my H even while he was still in his A and I was still hurting so badly. It was a conscious choice and something almost spiritual. I could see that H was also hurting and in a really bad place, I could see that the choices he was making were really destroying him and us, but H grew up in a home where he never felt 'good enough', never felt that unconditional love that all children should. Was punished harshly for any perceived bad behaviour. I suppose I just wanted to show him that even though he had behaved in a terrible way towards me that I was still able to show him some compassion. I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but that's really how I felt.

My parents divorced when I was 13. My father carried so much hurt, anger and resentment around with him for years afterwards. It was an awful thing to see.
I am very much like my father, but, I decide there and then that that wasn't going to be the path for me. At times it hasn't been easy. Reading, meditating, journaling, it all helps. But to me, a true reconciliation must include forgiveness, I can't see how it can be successful without it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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