# Otter's world takes a turn for the surreal.....



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Long story short for the uninformed.
-Asked for divorce back in january
-living together still albeit in separate rooms of the same house
-she works part time making about 1000 a month
-I work full time making...well.....about 6 times that.
-we havent' filed any paperwork yet because we still live together
-OUR house and MY job are an hour apart (55 miles)
-Kids go to school in town where MY job is so they commute with me
-She was supposed to find a job where MY job is this summer but it didn't happen
-Told her about three weeks ago I wasn't going to start the school year commuting again especially now that it's all three kids considering one starts prek
-Told her I was getting my own checking account
-She never got her own checking account like I told her to.

So, last week she goes apartment and rental house hunting. Finds an apartment 3/2 1100 sq ft includes cable and internet for 800 a month. I told her I do not support her moving to where MY job is since HER job is where OUR house is an hour away and now we both would be commuting. She said her mom was going to pay her rent and she would pay her own electric out of her own check. I said fine. But that basically means she walks away from our house, our animals, and all our debt. Kids would stay with her and we would do standard visitation. Yesterday she was supposed to go look at the actual apartment because when she first went by it was being cleaned. In the middle of all of this one of her sisters is causing a stink about her using her moms money for rent even though my wife has power of attorney and her mom told her to. So I get the feeling she is thinking she is going to sign up for the apartment and then try and get me to pay for it. Anyway, I sent her an email saying I need to reiterate my previous points that I'm not paying for it and she's on her own if she does this. She reads the email during the commute. She shows up at the apartment, tells me to take our daughter, then she tries to hand me her cell phone saying that it must belong to me since I'm taking all the money away from her (just being dramatic) and then leaves. I try to talk to her for a minute but she won't hear any of it. I end up looking at the apartment, getting an app and they gave me til 5 pm today to pay the 99 dollar deposit to hold it (which is nonrefundable but I just see it as buying time).

So, I go straight home afterwards with my daughter and have a talk with my wife. She was trying to just leave and go to a friends for the night but I made her wait for me so we can talk. Her biggest deal was that she felt like I was stealing the apartment out from under her and she's scared that I'm going to try for sole custody. I told her that we just haven't had time to discuss our plans and since she doesn't actually qualify for the apartment (have to make 3 times the rent and she only makes the rent each month) that I didn't see how she thought she was going to get the apartment anyways. She said they were going to just make a deal with her on it. I was like, well, that's something I didn't know. 

At the end of the conversation I basically said if her mom is paying for it then take it. But if I'm paying for it I'm the one living there because the only way to afford it is if I'm putting what I spend on gas and food commuting towards the rent which actually breaks even to be honest. She left, texted me some that night. I didn't fight dirty. I really think she's just scared.

This morning she came home so I could go to work and told me to just take the apartment. She wouldnt' discuss details. Now my problem is can I truly afford to do this? Now I'm on the hook for both the house and the apartment. Apartment has everything bundled into the rent so thats cool. 

I'm paying the deposit to hold it because it's a decent apartment and it's kind of out by the interstate so there's no neighborhood crap to deal with. I'll be five minutes from everything (school and work). 

So I'm sitting at my desk at work trying to think of options. Maybe I just look for a house instead? Hell even a decent doublewide just a little out of town would be nice. I have dogs and cats so they can't be in the apartment. Basically though I have to pay for everything since she's part time. 

Then you get to add in the misery of trying to pay child support to her......ugh.....I start to understand why people just deal with living together. The whoe thing has me so dazed that this morning I actually stopped on a green light lol.....

Any suggestions would be appreciated....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how long is the lease for?

can you sublet if need be?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

It's for a year. No idea if I can sublet.

Texting her this morning. She said if I'm maintaining both residences she will stay there but I have to take cats with me. She will continue her job search and when she can move she wants kids to move in with her and us go to standard visitation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would take a step back. Figure out what's best for the kids. Then figure out how custody will work. That will tell you how the finances will roll out, which will tell each of you what you can afford in terms of housing. 

After that, she's on her own. Part of being divorced is that you don't get a say in how she spends her money, and she doesn't get a say in how you spend your money. You're not "on the hook" for her rent or anything else. If she can't afford it, or her mom pulls the rug out from under her, then all you might feel obligated to do is let the kids move in with you full time. 

Have you guys talked to a lawyer or mediator?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

what's best for the kids is to live and go to school in the same town, not commute 55 miles every morning and be limited on afterschool activities and friends because of that drive.

Whether it's me or her here where they go to school and I work doesn't matter. I'd prefer it was me since I already work here and can apply gas and food money to rent and pretty much break even with what I spend now.

Every lawyer in my tiny county says they will gladly answer all my questions.....just as soon as I give them a check for $1500. Working on getting that together. 

And I truly understand that it's not up to me to support her except for child support. I'm trying my best though to get all of us out of the house we are in now and settled into new places where I work and then move forward with the divorce. But she's on a rampage right now and texting me about stuff like paying for her lawyer, wants stuff in writing that I'll let the kids move in with her full time once she gets here..etc.... then the child support....


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just reading all of that made me apprehensive.

Stop.

Take a breath.

Don't make any rash decisions. Sure it's a good apartment - there will be others. Think about what you're doing, don't sign or agree to anything with her, and give all of this time to ruminate. If you don't, you'll have the worst case of buyer's remorse ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I just thought of something. Could I consider paying for her house and utilities back home as her child support? It comes out about the same as what she wanted.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

SoVeryLost said:


> Whoa, whoa, whoa.
> 
> Just reading all of that made me apprehensive.
> 
> ...


If I don't pay the deposit today then the apartment goes to someone else. School starts in a month and it's a college town and all the rentals are being eaten up like crazy with college kids coming back. If I don't move now I'm stuck till spring most likely when something might open up.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Child support is child support. The marital assets will likely be equitably divided when the time comes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> If I don't pay the deposit today then the apartment goes to someone else. School starts in a month and it's a college town and all the rentals are being eaten up like crazy with college kids coming back. If I don't move now I'm stuck till spring most likely when something might open up.


That's your call obviously, but personally I don't think you've had time to sit and think this through. Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. Just seems very rushed to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

The house is the only asset we have. It's her name on the title but both on the mortgage. Not sure how it worked out that way but it is what it is. 

The whole apartment thing has been in my mind for a long time now. She however promised me she would be finding a job this summer and moving but she didn't pull through so now I either look forward to commuting with the kids until she does find a job or I move myself and start divorce proceedings. But I'm responsible for the mortgage as well since my name is on it. IF she moved out she was just going to sign the house over to me then I could just rent it out or sell it or even just foreclose on it. That house is like an anchor that neither of us want to be stuck with.

I know it sounds rushed on the post but I've been waiting to put my plan into action if she didn't push hers through in time. I think all of the hot air she's blowing right now is just because it's finally becoming real and I'm doing what I said I was going to do and she's scared.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Here's what you do...

Stop anticipating or waiting for her to do anything. Control what you can control, and assume the worst - that she won't find other employment. You have to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario.

Have you compared the cost of fuel for your daily commute to the cost of the apartment? If the fuel will still cost you less than the rent/utilities for the apartment, well...consider dealing with the commute for now. No, it's not ideal, but it's temporary and possibly more fiscally responsible. 

Weigh the costs of both options, and keep in mind that the decision you make now isn't forever. I would just hate to see you jump into paying for both a mortgage and apartment and child support. She could file for temporary support at any time - don't forget that. And the disparity between your incomes means you'll be paying her, no matter if you are granted 50/50 custody in a temporary custody hearing. Trust me, I'm going through that now. Just consider all of these variables carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I hear you and thanks for the advice. I spend at least $1000 a month on gas and food commuting. That pays for my rent and electric at the apartment and doesn't impact any of my other responsibilities. I could have done this at any time regardless of the divorce but it was supposed to be her moving. So me taking the apartment just means I get to live 5 minutes from the office and schools and I have to cook my own meals instead of eating out all the time. That's a wash.

But regardless of that I am trying to be amicable. I'd like to see her in a place where she can support herself and the kids full time even if I drop off the face of the earth tomorrow. She did give me 13 years and 3 kids after all so I'm not some heartless bastard that's leaving her for some 21 year old and running away never to be heard from again. She's just making these harsh judgement calls without even thinking about the position she is putting herself in.

If she gets a job over here then once she gets a paycheck or two I wouldn't care if she switched places with me as long as she could afford the rent. Then I could handle selling the house and finding a home where I work so I could have a place for the dogs. I'm not the biggest fan of apartment living anyways but it's perfect for her since she's not the outdoor type for keeping up with the yard and animals and such.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I just thought of something. Could I consider paying for her house and utilities back home as her child support? It comes out about the same as what she wanted.


Pay her the child support. She is responsible for how she spends it. Once there is a court order for child support you will have to pay it directly to her anyway. Always pay it in a way that is traceable ... like via check. If you pay cash or pay a bill instead she can claim that you did not pay her child support and get the state to go after you for it.

Maybe she will want to stay in the house.

What is your deal on the house? Are you renting it or own it? If renting, can you get out of the rental agreement?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> The house is the only asset we have. It's her name on the title but both on the mortgage. Not sure how it worked out that way but it is what it is.
> 
> The whole apartment thing has been in my mind for a long time now. She however promised me she would be finding a job this summer and moving but she didn't pull through so now I either look forward to commuting with the kids until she does find a job or I move myself and start divorce proceedings. But I'm responsible for the mortgage as well since my name is on it. IF she moved out she was just going to sign the house over to me then I could just rent it out or sell it or even just foreclose on it. That house is like an anchor that neither of us want to be stuck with.
> 
> I know it sounds rushed on the post but I've been waiting to put my plan into action if she didn't push hers through in time. I think all of the hot air she's blowing right now is just because it's finally becoming real and I'm doing what I said I was going to do and she's scared.


If you are considering forclosing on the house why not just sell it? You could sell if for whatever the principle of your mortgage is. That way you get to protect your credit rating and someone else gets a great deal. Just put an ad out saying that your are selling the house way below current market value due to a divorce. Someone will scarf it up.

I did this once years ago... except I was selling because my husband was going into medical school and I did not want to be responsible for 2 morgages. Had two buyers in one day... and closed it with one of the within a week. They paid all closing costs since I was not making a dime on the sale.

I just had a title company handle the transfer of title, etc. A potential buyer could use something like Quicken loans to get their new mortgage set up.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Just FYI. If she wants the house but is not eligible for a refi., you can use the mortgage as a deviation off child support. We do it, and it works ok for now.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Lease is signed. Kids and I will be moving end of next month. She will stay in house until she gets job over there. Then either she takes apartment over and I move back in house or we find a way out of it. Had it for sale at the payoff of the mortgage for three years now. No one is looking to buy and now the foundation is cracked. at least I did what I said I would. She really understands now that I'm serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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