# I want husband to leave. He doesn’t want to.



## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

Hi there

I think I’ve posted here before probably about the in laws but anyway it’s a big reason why I want to leave my husband. I love him dearly but I can’t do it anymore. We been married 6 years now I’m 28 he’s 29.I won’t get into the family stuff but basically his family is number 1. Even if they lie, abuse me , steal from me, call me names, abuse us emotionally and financially - all of which they have done , he has made it very clear to me his mum and family are number 1. Obviously he denies this and says he tries to strike balance but when they do something they lie to him and he believes it so that is far from the truth.

Also, we have Been trying for kids for 3 years with no success. I’m having a big health crisis (although not sure it’s affecting my fertility) but basically this past year has only been about medical bills and in and out of the doctors. Most of my salary has been going towards this literally, and my husband says I’m using him because he is seeing to most of the expenses. I mean I’m sick, I’m working like a dog too I wish I could enjoy my money! And I’m not even halfway better. But either way I will give him money and just prolong my medical services. Just FYI I do have medical insurance but they are useless as hell and it’s a very expensive and comprehensive plan, I live in South Africa, public care is not easy and sometimes not the best.

Anyway I booked an appointment at fertility clinic after doing lots of research and bear in mind this isn’t easy as I have medical fatigue and I’m financially drained because of medical bills but I still wanted to go through with it. I booked the appointment and paid then my husband says ‘ I can’t have kids with you because of the way you are with my family’ that was enough to put me off completely. I mean, after the way they have treated me , they have so much power over him I can’t even have kids cause of them. I spent time and money on the appointment and he does this to me.

So now I cancelled. I told him I will not be having kids with him. I’m done and he needs to find a woman who will worship his family. This runs deep with me because I was abused as a child emotionally and physically by strangers and family from as early as I can remember. I remember being physically mishandled and abused by a supposed nanny and I always thought that memory was fake or a dream but my older sister confirmed it and my parents took a while to do something only when the neighbours couldn’t bear the screaming and crying coming from our house. Then from there I continued to be emotionally abused by so many people (let’s just say I was different in a closed minded community) and my parents never protected us. So I’ve always felt worthless and my one hope and desire was to have a loving family. And that’s been shattered when someone I thought loved me tells me he doesn’t want children with me because of people (his family) who abused me. Constant abuse it’s so not fair! I know I sound whiny and I’m not perfect but to give you some perspective his dad called me a wh*re infront of him and he did nothing , his mum stole my stuff and made me into the liar saying I’m plotting against her. She uses us for money all the time too, and he can’t see their wrongs.

anyway, I refuse to bring in kids with a man like this who firstly won’t protect me and secondly says I’m not good enough to have kids with. Yes he’s apologized, and says he didn’t mean it that way but I’m done. I will never go now, not with him. I keep telling him I don’t want to be with him he won’t let me go. He went to visit my parents yesterday and he talks about me I hate it, he says I’m so extreme. Which might be true but there’s a line

you don’t cross with me because I’ve endured too much of it my entire life.

am I being dramatic? I don’t plan on being the loving wife I used to be I’m done with him. He won’t let go without working on the marriage but I’m not putting in any more effort anymore, just so his family can control us. I hate my life rn.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Epifany said:


> I refuse to bring in kids with a man like this who firstly won’t protect me and secondly says I’m not good enough to have kids with. Yes he’s apologized,


That is "toothpaste out of the tube". Yes, you must, in time forgive him for his marrying you in a farce, not protecting you, and saying that you "are not good enough" to bear his children. Well, I got news, I pray you ain't gonna bear his children.

I agree with you, there are "lines" which when crossed, cannot be un-crossed. I had one of those "lines" crossed in my life. I forgave my wife for doing and saying what she did, however, any attraction or desire on my part to be intimate with her was forever dead. At the time, I analogized that I "...was like a guy who got his arm cut off.... I might indeed "forgive" my assailant, but my arm won't grow back.....I will continue my life maimed....."...



Epifany said:


> he says I’m so extreme.


No, his statement was "extreme". Extreme enough to cause your relationship and your marriage to die. His behavior with his family is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.



Epifany said:


> he has made it very clear to me his mum and family are number 1. Obviously he denies this and says he tries to strike balance


No. By God, no. And I am not using His name in vain, because GOD HIMSELF said "...for this cause shall a man LEAVE his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife......".

You are to be first, second, third, fourth, and fifth. All the time, every day. Balance ? GOD'S statement doesn't indicate "balance"..... there AIN'T no "balance"....leave....and cleave....
that's all...... according to GOD'S word, no "leave" and cleave" means NO MARRIAGE.



Epifany said:


> I’ve always felt worthless


Let me ask you a question..... does being with your husband BUILD your self-worth, or does it tear it down ? Sorry, forget I asked you that question, that question was rhetorical, I already know the answer to it.

What I don't know is the answer to this question.....
What can YOU DO that would make you feel better about yourself ?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why do you need your husband's permission to end the marriage?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Why do you need your husband's permission to end the marriage?


She lives in South Africa. The laws there might not allow no fault divorce. We need more info to understand about her inability to leave.


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> She lives in South Africa. The laws there might not allow no fault divorce. We need more info to understand about her inability to leave.


I don’t need his permission I need his co-operation because he owns and pays for our house too so I need a way forward, I did depend on him a lot. He does turn a bit nasty when we fight I mean the holes in some of our walls and furniture says it all.

anyway, I told him I’m serious about a divorce and he said fine we can talk tomorrow evening about a plan forward, he needs to consult.
Bitter sweet


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

TJW said:


> That is "toothpaste out of the tube". Yes, you must, in time forgive him for his marrying you in a farce, not protecting you, and saying that you "are not good enough" to bear his children. Well, I got news, I pray you ain't gonna bear his children.
> 
> I agree with you, there are "lines" which when crossed, cannot be un-crossed. I had one of those "lines" crossed in my life. I forgave my wife for doing and saying what she did, however, any attraction or desire on my part to be intimate with her was forever dead. At the time, I analogized that I "...was like a guy who got his arm cut off.... I might indeed "forgive" my assailant, but my arm won't grow back.....I will continue my life maimed....."...
> 
> ...


thanks for your reply. He will never see his flaws with his family. He keeps sending me biblical stuff that the mother is the most important woman in a mans life no matter what. And he’s made it very clear to me that there will come a time where she will stay under the same roof and I won’t have a say and I always tell him but she can have a part of our home just in a different space because being in each other’s faces causes resentment. He says I’m bad for saying that.

Anyway, no, he tears me down a lot. Last week Thursday night I lost a patient- a baby and I cried and he just hugged me then proceeded to verbally abuse me because a guy who used to like me messaged me (completely clean, he even read the messages) , and he is a very jealous man so he started saying things like yeah you want him, go off with him and here I am in a mess crying for this baby. He can be so cruel. Last week that time we were on a little ‘holiday’ and staying at some family’s house (my family who loves my husband because he is nice to everyone else I get to see both sides) anyway he cussed so much my aunt woke up in the morning and said ‘hey Do you know you shout in your sleep’ and I thought hah if you only knew. I just laughed it off.
My life is a total mess !


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Epifany said:


> thanks for your reply. He will never see his flaws with his family. He keeps sending me biblical stuff that the mother is the most important woman in a mans life no matter what. And he’s made it very clear to me that there will come a time where she will stay under the same roof and I won’t have a say and I always tell him but she can have a part of our home just in a different space because being in each other’s faces causes resentment. He says I’m bad for saying that.
> 
> Anyway, no, he tears me down a lot. Last week Thursday night I lost a patient- a baby and I cried and he just hugged me then proceeded to verbally abuse me because a guy who used to like me messaged me (completely clean, he even read the messages) , and he is a very jealous man so he started saying things like yeah you want him, go off with him and here I am in a mess crying for this baby. He can be so cruel. Last week that time we were on a little ‘holiday’ and staying at some family’s house (my family who loves my husband because he is nice to everyone else I get to see both sides) anyway he cussed so much my aunt woke up in the morning and said ‘hey Do you know you shout in your sleep’ and I thought hah if you only knew. I just laughed it off.
> My life is a total mess !


I would love to see his Bible verses about his mother being the most important. On the contrary God says that men are to leave their father and mother and join to their wife. He must have missed that part. 😁


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You would benefit from seeing an attorney to find out what your rights are... before you talk about divorce with your husband again. From the way you describe him, if you don't know your legal rights he and his family will probably take as much advantage of you as they can.

You way he owns the house. But you want him to leave you and thus him leave the house. What are the laws about this in SA? Do you have any financial claim to a portion of the value of the home per what we call here "community property"?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Epifany said:


> thanks for your reply. He will never see his flaws with his family. *He keeps sending me biblical stuff that the mother is the most important woman in a mans life no matter what. *And he’s made it very clear to me that there will come a time where she will stay under the same roof and I won’t have a say and I always tell him but she can have a part of our home just in a different space because being in each other’s faces causes resentment. He says I’m bad for saying that.


Here's the Biblical quote you can send to him in reply.

The covenant between Adam and Eve is summarized:
“_Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” _[Gen. 2:24] ​
In a man's marriage, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place.

Here's a longer set of Biblical verses to show him: [Ephesians 5:25-31]

_25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;_​​_26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,_​​_27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish._​​_28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself._​​_29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:_​​_30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones._​​_31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh._​
*Ephesians 5:22-25*

What Biblical verses does he send you that say that mothers are the most important?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Epifany said:


> Hi there
> 
> I think I’ve posted here before probably about the in laws but anyway it’s a big reason why I want to leave my husband. I love him dearly but I can’t do it anymore. We been married 6 years now I’m 28 he’s 29.I won’t get into the family stuff but basically his family is number 1. Even if they lie, abuse me , steal from me, call me names, abuse us emotionally and financially - all of which they have done , he has made it very clear to me his mum and family are number 1. Obviously he denies this and says he tries to strike balance but when they do something they lie to him and he believes it so that is far from the truth.
> 
> ...


You've convinced me. If I were you, I'd get away from him if I had to live with family, even in another country.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Epifany said:


> He keeps sending me biblical stuff that the mother is the most important woman in a mans life no matter what.


I don't know what he's sending you, but I am 99% sure it is not biblical. I don't know if there is some passage of the scripture which can be twisted, mangled, and removed from context in order to make it seem to "say" that.



EleGirl said:


> In a man's marriage, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us. Even the children must take their proper but significant place.


Correct. This is the biblical perspective of a man in marriage. He certainly is to honor his father and mother, and his children should, of course, have importance secondarily to his wife.....


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