# Pull Away?



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I'm not sure how to conduct myself during these times when we have agreed to D then talked about a legal separation to our current situation, she said she's looking into IC. I know there's a real chance we may get a D but I also know that with IC, for both of us, there's at least a chance. 

My problem is I just don't know how to act right now. My instinct says to be kind and loving as much as possible but there's the distance I feel and the fact that a D is still possible. Should I pull away and just go about my own business or should I try to be kind and loving? I don't want to seem desperate or push the issue about IC but I also don't want to seem cold to her either.

What should I do?


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Pull away, work on yourself. My view is that physical separation is just part of the walk towards D. By working on yourself, you prepare for the inevitable.


----------



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

As of right now we are not necessarily in pursuit of a separation at all. Our last conversation was that we were not moving in that direction right now but rather looking to individual counseling in an attempt to see what steps might be possible for reconciliation.

I feel down because of this place my marriage is in but I just don't want to come across as pushy or cold.


----------



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Without really knowing anything about your situation it is kinda hard to give you any relevant advice.

Everyone on here is correct when they tell you to start being yourself again. Not sad and confused you, normal everyday you that you are comfortable being. In my experience, the more emotional and soft that I was through the issues that my wife and I have been having the worse things got. There finally came a point where I manned the hell up and started acting like me again. Not the me that was having issues with my wife over the last few years, but the me that I had always been. My friends and coworkers recognized it and commented that it was good to have me back.

I also had to sit down with my wife and discuss some ground rules about where we are in our relationship. I understood that we were in a really bad place. My wife initially wanted a separation, which all she really needed was some space for herself to wrap her head around our situation and her life. It only got worse the more that I pushed to talk about us and the emotions around it. Finally we laid out where we were and what we were comfortable with. Talking yes, long emotional discussions no. We discussed touching, sleeping arrangements, date nights, doing things with the kids, basically knowing what boundaries needed to be in place in order to slowly and methodically work on us.


----------

