# Dear Abbey: Open email exposes Wife's secret weekend rendezvous



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Open Email Exposes Wife's Secret Weekend Rendezvous

DEAR ABBY: My wife of 45 years is having an online affair with a man who is a former business client. I found out when she inadvertently left an email message open on her laptop. Her phone records confirm daily long-distance conversations, as well. Although I know they have never met personally, they plan to meet during a weekend convention at a hotel in his hometown next month.

Despite problems in our marriage, neither of us has strayed, and I'm confident she doesn't want to lose me nor do I want to lose her. My dilemma is whether to tell her I know what's going on prior to her trip, or confront her when she returns with pictures taken by a private investigator. I can't let her betrayal continue. -- CONFLICTED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFLICTED: Tell her sooner rather than later, so she can cancel her trip to the convention. If she's willing to do that and work on repairing your marriage, there is a chance that your problems are fixable. If she isn't, then face it -- your stressed marriage is over. Photos from a private investigator are beside the point. The email you read is proof enough.


So what say TAM? Did she give the right advice or would you guys tell him to get the PI and wait to confront?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He should stop it before his wife consummates the relationship, so yes, the right advice. He should also, at the same time, demand immediate access to her email/phone whatever to see what if anything else is going on. Wife must give full disclosure and come completely clean. If wife refuses access or goes on the trip anyway, she should be met with D papers upon her return.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

I would confront ASAP. I could not sit on my hands while my SO was out having sex with someone else, not unless R wasn't even a consideration and I just wanted to humiliate them as much as possible.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

My feeling in these cases is, even with "softer" evidence, if a spouse can keep an EA from turning into a PA, the marriage can be saved and the marriage is the better for it.

The wayward spouse is "riding high" on their own biochemicals when at the point of turning an EA into a PA. If the betrayed spouse can "pop their balloon" using any means necessary, this can deflate this high and bring the fantasy world crashing down.

"Don't go on this trip. I know why you're going and who you're going to meet. And what you plan to do there. Don't try to bull**** me, if you want to be married, you will never have contact with XXXX again. I will know."

"What? Who? I never.... it was just... "

*presents evidence*

"Cancel the trip. You are cheating on me emotionall and planning on cheating sexually. This is your one and only second chance."

Like that.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Actually, I'd wait until the day she leaves, take her to the airport and just before she goes to the gate, tell her: "I know that you are going to see someone, you left your e-mail open and I know everything. You have a choice: come home with me now and save our marriage, or get on the plane and have all of your stuff in a U-haul and divorce papers waiting for you when you return."


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Lisa...I read that also this morning on the wat to work. I think it was a "softball" answer, and just the minimum of what the person should do to prevent this from escalating. 45 years is a long time (they have been married since Woodstock - 1969!), so this can be saved by using all of the measures we here on TAM know about (exposure, confront, 180, complete transparancy, etc).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Actually, I'd wait until the day she leaves, take her to the airport and just before she goes to the gate, tell her: "I know that you are going to see someone, you left your e-mail open and I know everything. You have a choice: come home with me now and save our marriage, or get on the plane and have all of your stuff in a U-haul and divorce papers waiting for you when you return."


That's exactly what I was going to say F-102. Therefore that's brilliant advice.

Make the choice as immediate and difficult as possible, to test her resolve.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

lewmin said:


> Lisa...I read that also this morning on the wat to work. I think it was a "softball" answer, and just the minimum of what the person should do to prevent this from escalating. 45 years is a long time (they have been married since Woodstock - 1969!), so this can be saved by using all of the measures we here on TAM know about (exposure, confront, 180, complete transparancy, etc).


Advice column publishers are scared sh*tless of lawsuits, so they can't give rock-solid advice.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would definitely confront before the trip 

Waiting until after so maybe I could get some photos from a hired PI, no that wouldn't be my choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Actually, I'd wait until the day she leaves, take her to the airport and just before she goes to the gate, tell her: "I know that you are going to see someone, you left your e-mail open and I know everything. You have a choice: come home with me now and save our marriage, or get on the plane and have all of your stuff in a U-haul and divorce papers waiting for you when you return."



That would be one of these timeless Kodak moments. You are an artist, F-102.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

lewmin said:


> Lisa...I read that also this morning on the wat to work. I think it was a "softball" answer, and just the minimum of what the person should do to prevent this from escalating. 45 years is a long time (they have been married since Woodstock - 1969!), so *this can be saved by using all of the measures we here on TAM know about (exposure, confront, 180, complete transparancy*, etc).


this...i totally agree with stopping this before it happens

my wife was gonna boink a guy is better than my wife boinked a guy...

EXPOSURE AT THE VERY LEAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I really don't get it. She wants to cheat, so what is there to repair?

It's akin to leaving some money out and lambasting the thief for dishonesty afterwards.

Part of it, if it's real is that the OP may want to see if his wife really would go through with it, the if she loves me she won't do it.

Being the jerk I am, I'd still hire the PI, actually go myself to the city where they're at, have the PI tell me when they go to the hotel, knock on the door and pretend to be room service and service her divorce papers.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

adriana said:


> That would be one of these timeless Kodak moments. You are an artist, F-102.


As a little added touch of drama; as she was walking toward the gate, you start walking away also. Then wait about 5 seconds, walk back to her, and say the same thing; to include an "Oh by the way, I almost forgot to mention something to you".


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

badmemory said:


> As a little added touch of drama; as she was walking toward the gate, you start walking away also. Then wait about 5 seconds, walk back to her, and say the same thing; to include an "Oh by the way, I almost forgot to mention something to you".



Or, at the last moment, just giving her an envelope with printout of emails between her and her "loverboy" and walking away without actually saying anything.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

adriana said:


> Or, at the last moment, just giving her an envelope with printout of emails between her and her "loverboy" and walking away without actually saying anything.


Oh yeah, she'd have to fight with the stewardesses to get off the plane. I like it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think I would let her go and file. when she came home to all her stuff in a uhaul with me smoking a cigar and drinking a molsen. with a its over look on my face.

don't want to beg anybody to love me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I think its easy from the outside looking in, to say "do this and that". But from his perspective of being married 45 years, she is all he has ever known. IMHO, he would most likely need multiple DDays to convince him to take action......and then he would still want to R. Just being realistic.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I think its easy from the outside looking in, to say "do this and that". But from his perspective of being married 45 years, she is all he has ever known. IMHO, he would most likely need multiple DDays to convince him to take action......and then he would still want to R. Just being realistic.


I know. But many of us BS's like to fantasize; wishing we'd had that one in a million opportunity to jam it in.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

badmemory said:


> As a little added touch of drama; as she was walking toward the gate, you start walking away also. Then wait about 5 seconds, walk back to her, and say the same thing; to include an "Oh by the way, I almost forgot to mention something to you".


That's one of those "Columbo" moments, the old TV police show where the disheveled detective always left the zinger question till just as he was leaving the room. 

"Oh... um... Just one more question; I almost forgot...."


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Actually, I'd wait until the day she leaves, take her to the airport and just before she goes to the gate, tell her: "I know that you are going to see someone, you left your e-mail open and I know everything. You have a choice: come home with me now and save our marriage, or get on the plane and have all of your stuff in a U-haul and divorce papers waiting for you when you return."


*The results of this test would more than prove what kind of metal she has, if any at all!*


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Then theres always the chance that she would read the letter, still go on the trip, still f*ck the other guy and lie about it. Something like, I had to go on the trip for work or whatever, but nothing happend.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Or better yet, just buy yourself a plane ticket and make reservations at the same hotel, telling her that as you're parking the car and flashing the ticket at her!

Now that would literally cause someone to defecate their pants on awfully short notice!*


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## JustRon (Feb 16, 2014)

badmemory said:


> "Oh by the way, I almost forgot to mention something to you".


This is the Columbo moment..... "Just one more thing..."


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

badmemory said:


> As a little added touch of drama; as she was walking toward the gate, you start walking away also. Then wait about 5 seconds, walk back to her, and say the same thing; to include an "Oh by the way, I almost forgot to mention something to you".


Sort of a Columbo "Ah...just one more thing" moment!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

JustRon said:


> This is the Columbo moment..... "Just one more thing..."


Aw...dangit Ron-I responded before I saw yours! Sorry bro!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

doubletrouble said:


> That's one of those "Columbo" moments, the old TV police show where the disheveled detective always left the zinger question till just as he was leaving the room.
> 
> "Oh... um... Just one more question; I almost forgot...."


Aww...you too, dt-I oughta be horsewhipped!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I think I would let her go and file. when she came home to all her stuff in a uhaul with me smoking a cigar and drinking a molsen. with a its over look on my face.
> 
> don't want to beg anybody to love me.


And when she says: "What-you're leaving?", toss her said U-haul keys and say: "No-YOU are!"


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> So what say TAM? Did she give the right advice or would you guys tell him to get the PI and wait to confront?


Confront immediately. Letting her go through with it to prove that the has the lady nutz to follow through with it is simply moronic. Shut it down...right...friggin'...now.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^ Yes if you still want to be married to her shut it done and hard.

If not then hire a PI especially in a fault state for divorce.

and maybe pack some road flares with a clock and some wires in her suit case for good measure, oh and wear gloves when you pack these items.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

john1068 said:


> Confront immediately. *Letting her go through with it to prove that the has the lady nutz to follow through with it is simply moronic.* Shut it down...right...friggin'...now.


Moronic?

I respect your right to have an opinion on this; But I wonder if you'd feel the same way if your wife had betrayed you; if you then attempted R with her - and were left with lingering doubts about whether she would have still gotten on that plane when the pressure was on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's true that you never really know what you would do if it were you, but my immediate reaction is: If this were my H, I would expose right before the trip and then file for D whether he turned around and came home or not.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Abby gave essentially the right advice: confront before the trip. The plan to hook up is the smoking gun. Either she cancels or the H walks--this is how I read Abby's advice and it seems pretty good.

Easier said than done after 45 years of marriage, though.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

It depends on if there is a “smoking gun” it the emails or not. At the very least I would do my best to get access to her email account. 

Then I would monitor it to find out their exact plans (what hotel, etc.). I wouldn’t want to leave her room to say that it was all a joke or that I misunderstood. I would collect enough evidence to embarrass the hell out of her.

After that it would depend on if I wanted to divorce or not. It certainly is fun to think about. Things like catching the next plane and going to the hotel.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Send e-mails to all friends and family saying that we are getting divorced. When they all ask why say that she and (POSOM's name) know why.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I might add this after 45 years in a marriage. On the way to the airport start the seed planting. You know babe we have been married a long, long time. I know everything about you, save one or two things. I realize things become stale if you/we/us don't fan the flames. I just want you to know, before you leave, that if anything was to come between us that could have the potential to destroy what we have worked so hard on (sorry for that joke), for so long That you would at a minimum give me the respect or at the very least the opportunity, to make sure your happiness is still a priority for me to commit to. Have a good flight. Oh btw I found this last night (handing her the emails). That at the very least should have some impact, if it doesn't, then you know what has to be done. Not after 45 years, no way. You sir deserve more than what you are getting. Much luck to you.


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