# trouble with husband



## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

I have been at a loss for ways to get through to him about certain things because he is not a open minded person. Granted I knew this before I married him but I didn't think it would be this bad. He has two boys, my stepsons, 9 and 14. He really doesn't get involved with them much. I ask him to throw the football around with them, he won't. Going to school functions is like pulling teeth. I have to make and initiate all doctors visits in which he never wants to attend.
He rather play video games all day when he isn't working. He is a great nurse but he sucks at home when it comes to being a strong father. His excuse is, thats how my dad was and i shouldn't have to entertain my sons, they have friends for that. I didn't know he would be like this and frankly I'm tired of doing everything for the boys. He gets angry when I suggest he spend time with them or say he isn't spending enough time with them. With our new son he doesn't want to be bothered with him when he cries. I feel like I'm going insane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He sounds like a child.

Schedule some family therapy sessions and invite him, but if he won't go that's fine. That will help the boys deal with their immature father, and help you deal with his lack of participation.

You cannot force someone to act a certain way. You can make it uncomfortable for them if they do, but they have to make the choice to change.

You also have to decide if you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life, because he very well may never change.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You are asking for problems when you try to manage another adult's relationships! They are his children, and they will learn to have a relationship with him without your help or involvement. It may or may not be a good relationship, but your involvement will not have ANY effect on that. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. 

Here's a way to picture it: 

You manipulate him to spend time with his kids, but he's resentful about your intrusions and his attitude is reflected in the way he interacts with the boys. They learn to see dad as a negative, hostile guy and learn that this is how men should be. 

You leave it alone. They don't interact much with dad and learn that men are supposed to be aloof, but they respect dad and worship him because he's that "unreachable ideal" that represents the adult they will one day be. 

It's truly impossible to predict how kids will or won't respond, but I've learned to mind my own business on things like this.


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> He sounds like a child.
> 
> I have suggested going to therapy sessions but of course he doesn't think it's necessary. the sad part is he's 45 years old and this is his third marriage. I guess he won't ever learn. he doesn't look at it like its anything to do with him.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

KD83 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand but I cannot keep doing everything. They are his kids and he should want to be involved with him. I cannot just sit back and watch them suffer because their dad, my husband, thinks video games are more important. His own mother said he has a problem and wishes he spent more time with his wife and kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm so sorry. It sounds to me as if he was looking to find a mother for his children and not a wife.  

I feel very sorry for him and very sorry for his children. And of course, I feel terrible for you. There are no winners in this situation.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you afford to get some household help? It won't change him, but it might take some of the burden off you so you won't have to do everything.

Can his mother help at all with the children, so that you have some breathing room to yourself?

I feel terrible that you also had a child with him. That's 3 children now who have an uninvolved father.

I'm sorry, I don't know what advice to give to get an irresponsible father to take his responsibilities to his children seriously. Obviously, threatening divorce, and even leaving him, won't change a thing about him since that's already happened to him twice before.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

So you care about HIS children than he does?

That's really sad and an indicator of a CHILD not a grown/mature/responsible father/men.

I'm sorry, but rather than show him/change him....you should find a MAN that will be a good father.

I have a feeling all of this transfers onto your relationship as well....you don't deserve that.

Time for divorce. I'm sorry.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Call me skeptical, but I've seen MANY cases where one person thinks things "SHOULD" be a certain way, while another person has a different set of values. She is turning this into a control issue and she's trying to control her husband. 

To label dad as "uninvolved" isn't necessarily accurate. The guy's kids from his first marriage live with them, so he's already more involved than their biomom, I'd guess. KD is saying that he's not "involved" because she has to schedule appointments and he's not doing the things that SHE wants him to do (social outings and football). He's playing video games instead. 

His video games PROBABLY do isolate him from interacting with his family to some degree, but I'm sure if one of the children ran screaming in the house after losing an arm, he'd tear himself away and get them to the hospital. I'm being a bit sarcastic when I say that because I'm exaggerating to make a point. Where HE thinks his involvement SHOULD be is different from where she thinks it SHOULD be, and the bottom line is that if his children are fed, clothed, have adequate medical care, and are not being emotionally tormented, then there is no reason to assume KD's values are automatically more "right" than hubby's.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

Just curios OP, have any physical hobbies, male friends? As a nurse, I'd think he'd have some compassion and self reflection... Of course I expect comes home drained in that regard. But still, this is third time "at bat".


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Ask him to get rid of the video games and tell him to step up on being a better father and husband or you'll find someone who will.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

KD83 said:


> His excuse is, thats how my dad was and i shouldn't have to entertain my sons, they have friends for that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:banghead:

By his logic if his dad was an abuser that would be okay too.

It's all backwards. There is more instruction and testing to get your drivers license than there is to be a parent. Just because you lived with your parents doesn't mean you know how to be one.

I have no idea how you get him to do some reflection on himself and his upbringing but for your sons try.


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

Hey KathyB. I'll send him to you see he can totally disregard his responsibilities, curse and yell at the video games in your house. Then he will look at you like you're the crazy one when you tell him he woke the baby up because of his yelling, or you can't get any sleep because he is up until 3 or 4 in the morning playing. Oh yeah if it weren't for me the kids wouldn't get medical care. I make all the appointments he doesn't even want to go to them but he has to because he is the legal guardian. I had to make an emergency dental appt for the 9 yr old yesterday because he didn't want to do it. Their mom moved to Colorado and that's why the boys live with us. He wasn't going to sue for custody until he realized he would be paying an arm and a leg in child support. You can have him


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

No friends really. He is very judgmental and does not want to be friends with anyone who doesn't believe Reagan was the best president, Obama is a Muslim and is trying to turn us all, oh and anyone who likes a gay person, Mexican or thinks women should preach in a church. Not a lot of people want to be around him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KD83 said:


> Hey KathyB. I'll send him to you see he can totally disregard his responsibilities, curse and yell at the video games in your house. Then he will look at you like you're the crazy one when you tell him he woke the baby up because of his yelling, or you can't get any sleep because he is up until 3 or 4 in the morning playing. Oh yeah if it weren't for me the kids wouldn't get medical care. I make all the appointments he doesn't even want to go to them but he has to because he is the legal guardian. I had to make an emergency dental appt for the 9 yr old yesterday because he didn't want to do it. Their mom moved to Colorado and that's why the boys live with us. He wasn't going to sue for custody until he realized he would be paying an arm and a leg in child support. You can have him


You can get defensive if you want to, but I don't think it will help solve your problem. It sounds like you think I am criticizing you, but I hope you'll try to see this in another direction: You cannot change another person. You can change you, and if you do, then your relationships will change. Right now, you're controlling the wrong things if your goal is to find harmony and support in your household. 

You can be all kinds of RIGHTEOUS!! and JUSTIFIED!! and he can be oh, so wrong, but guess what? You're the one who's not happy. Change you if you want to change the situation. If this makes sense to you, please re-read my post. You may not like it, but it's reality from someone who has watched it happen. In fact, I'll p.m. you some details that can help you decide whether I'm a flake or not.


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

I'm not trying to change him. I am just asking him to pay more attention to his kids. I don't ask him to not play. I know he will either way. I came to the conclusion that I needed to change last year this time but how fair is that to me? Ive sat down and talked to him on numerous occasions and has said he will pay more attention. He does it for a week then back to his normal behavior. I cook, clean, do homework with the boys, sign their info from school, remind them to call their mom when she doesn't call, attend school award ceremonies, call their grandparents (his parents), remind him to tuck the boys in because they want him to and he just shoos them away when they ask him to.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

KD83 said:


> Hey KathyB. I'll send him to you see he can totally disregard his responsibilities, curse and yell at the video games in your house. Then he will look at you like you're the crazy one when you tell him he woke the baby up because of his yelling, or you can't get any sleep because he is up until 3 or 4 in the morning playing. Oh yeah if it weren't for me the kids wouldn't get medical care. I make all the appointments he doesn't even want to go to them but he has to because he is the legal guardian. I had to make an emergency dental appt for the 9 yr old yesterday because he didn't want to do it. Their mom moved to Colorado and that's why the boys live with us. He wasn't going to sue for custody until he realized he would be paying an arm and a leg in child support. You can have him


Kathy is only trying to help you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KD83 said:


> I'm not trying to change him. I am just asking him to pay more attention to his kids. I don't ask him to not play. I know he will either way. I came to the conclusion that I needed to change last year this time but how fair is that to me? Ive sat down and talked to him on numerous occasions and has said he will pay more attention. He does it for a week then back to his normal behavior. I cook, clean, do homework with the boys, sign their info from school, remind them to call their mom when she doesn't call, attend school award ceremonies, call their grandparents (his parents), remind him to tuck the boys in because they want him to and he just shoos them away when they ask him to.


I sent you a p.m. with a very short summary. I've done all of these things, too, and I hope you can learn from what I'm writing you, because I ended up very bitter.


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> I sent you a p.m. with a very short summary. I've done all of these things, too, and I hope you can learn from what I'm writing you, because I ended up very bitter.


Thanks and I know you're trying to help. Everyone is different and not all situations can be handled the same way. If I just let it continue and I try to change, I'll be bitter. Only God can help us. I pray everyday because I don't want to be that nagging wife. Prayer changes things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KD83 (May 28, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Kathy is only trying to help you.


I'm aware of that hun, but we all have different threshold levels for how much crap we can take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So if I understand it correctly, you know you can't change him. You refuse to change you. You believe only God can help. 

Why did you post this thread, then?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

KD83 said:


> I'm not trying to change him. I am just asking him to pay more attention to his kids.


Well, I suppose we could parse words here, but when you ask him to pay more attention to the kids, you ARE asking him to change his behavior. 



KD83 said:


> I came to the conclusion that I needed to change last year this time but how fair is that to me? Ive sat down and talked to him on numerous occasions and has said he will pay more attention. He does it for a week then back to his normal behavior. I cook, clean, do homework with the boys, sign their info from school, remind them to call their mom when she doesn't call, attend school award ceremonies, call their grandparents (his parents), remind him to tuck the boys in because they want him to and he just shoos them away when they ask him to.


So these poor kids have a couple of duds for parents. You are the one to make sure they have some semblance of normalcy and security.

Why resent it? Screw your husband. He's a jerk. Frankly, I couldn't stomach being near someone who holds his bigoted opinions.

But you are with him. Stay for the sake of the kids. Stop feeling resentful. And stop having talks with him. They do no good. As far as prayer goes? Pray that you can continue to be the role model those kids need, and pray to let go of the resentment towards your husband.

Why? Because resentment boils down to being the anger we feel when our expectations are not met. Your husband has made it clear he doesn't want to meet your expectations, even though they sound reasonable to me.


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