# i dont know what to do



## hellosun (Jul 4, 2019)

My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. We are now in our mid 30s, we have a son and I am expecting our second. We have always had problems, many things on him that I didn’t like. But only recently (in the past year or so) I started to really realize what they are and how some important things never changed significantly. I think they got more noticeable after our first was born (5 years ago) and he also was very depressed in 1.5 to 2 years ago. He still has his bouts of depression, but not as bad.*

So lately I basically feel mostly unhappy than happy. Pregnancy hormones are probably affecting my judgement and personality a bit, but I felt like that before getting pregnant. He says (and I believe him) he loves me deeply.*

He is a nice person, can’t hurt a fly, does a lot around the house - cleans, cooks, etc. I’ve been very tired and I have some health issues, so he wants me to take it easy and he tries to do most of the chores. We share basically the same values (honesty, Family, how to treat money in general), we enjoy many similar things (board games, friends getting together, similar tv shows, etc).

But lately more and more I feel bored and I just don’t feel happy or fulfilled with him. To me he can only do things he’s used to - chores. He gets easily distracted about anything, or too focused on things that are not important.

Last time we went on a date (long time ago), we played pool and went to dinner. When we were playing pool, he was too focused on the game and even tho I told him he was being too focused on something not important, and I wasn’t really having fun, he just couldn’t break out of this world. He would try, and come and give me a kiss or something between his turn and mine, but it was just too robotic. I don’t think it’s because he is not interested in me, but he just gets stuck. And that happens too often. Then it was dinner time and it was a little better, but I was already not feeling great - i hate the way I feel when he is distant/distracted like that. This cycle is terrible.

He also will rarely surprise me. He is very predictable and rarely does something surprising that makes me feel special. He does a lot of nice things, but they are all in our routine.

For things like those too, I feel like he is a robot. He has an algorithm, he runs it, but can’t do anything extra.

I mean, he does it sometimes, but it’s really rare. I don’t remember the last time I felt like that.

Also, he is very forgetful. He will tell me he will do something, then he forgets. It’s hard to trust him in that sense, and I feel like I have a huge responsibility around our lives. He tries, and he has apps on his phone to remind him of some things. But little things like, dress our son appropriately, or even know where his stuff is. Remember to pack his hat. Remember to wash his face properly when he brushes his teeth. Those tiny things. He has a really hard time doing.* Even his own stuff. We go out, it’s winter and he forgets his gloves. And then I feel like if I am not on top of every, we will like waste time/or miss something because we have to go back home to get something. Important emails won’t get answered, etc etc. And it's not like he doesn't care. He says he cares and feels awful when those things happen, he says he wanted that to be different, but I don't see him doing anything about it.

He rarely speaks up about anything unless he's really angry, he rarely proposes things different in our life, rarely finds/tries to find solution to problems. Any problems in general. It's like he is always stuck.

On my birthday he tries to give me a gift but it's something that I don't need and I am not even interested. We don't spend too much money in general and only buy stuff we need or really like. He knows that. He is also with me when I tel him things I have the intention of buying at some point. He knows my favorite Hobby. He has all the knowledge to give me a thoughtful gift. He says he puts a lot of thought on the gift he gave me, but it just doesn't make sense.

So with all that, I don't feel like he makes me excited about things, I don't feel like he helps me deal with my things (except the physical stuff, such as cleaning the house, carrying heavy stuff), I don't even feel like he "knows" me too well.*

Some of these things always happened since we met, some have gotten worse over time. I also didn't have those things clear to me as they are now. And some of my priorities have changed (family/fun over work, etc). I miss a person more present in my life, that makes me smile, that I feel proud of, that takes care of me that way I need and makes me feel calm, at peace. But I don't feel calm, he doesn't help with my anxieties, he sees me struggling with stress specially with the pregnancy and he never knows what to do.*He has made me feel good some times (but not as much considering we've been together for this long), and I still feel like sharing with him the good moments I experience when he's not around. And we have one child and one on the way.

He saw a therapist for some time, which helped him identify some of the why’s he acts the way he does (is stuck, doesn’t speak up, basically lacks personality), and it has to do with his childhood and how he felt safer being quiet and accepting things the way they are.

So I really don't know what to do. While he takes a generally good physical care of our son and me, I don't feel the happiness I hoped to feel with the person I'm sharing my life with. I don't want our life to be boring/robotic. And most of the time I look at him I see boring/distracted.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Seems fairly normal. What is your question?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@hellosun

I think that what you have going on here is a mixture of a few things. 

One is what is often called the "7 year itch" … well except that for you it's the 15 year itch. It's what happens in a marriage when the couple does not nurture their relationship. You are both probably very good people, but you have lost a lot of your connection. 

The other thing is your pregnancy. I hate putting a lot of blame on hormones, but we all know that pregnancy can really mess with a woman's head. So you need to weight your feelings against the reality that you very well might not be viewing thing through a clear lens.

Now, back to the 7/15 year itch. From what you wrote, the two of you do little to nothing together. You are two adults raising a child & running a household. But you stopped 'dating' a long time ago. This causes the passion to dwindle in a relationship. You are both equally responsible for this.

When the passion dwindles in a relationship, we see the other person through a very harsh lens. Things that did not annoy us in the past become huge, glaring annoyances if not problems. 

There is also what seems like some unrealistic expectations on your part. For example: In your post, you say things like he does not help you out when you are feeling down, etc. It's not his job to make you feel better. That's your job. You are responsible for making yourself feel happy; for handling it when you are depressed, etc. I find it interesting that he went to counseling as though he was one with a problem. Why didn't you get your own individual counselor and go? You clearly have issues that you need to address.

You have no real, big problems in your marriage. You have a husband who loves you, who does his fair share and more around the house, he supports you and your children. Believe me when I say that divorce does not get rid of problems, it just creates new ones and they are often much worse when children are involved. 

Many people, when they get to the point you are at go out and have affairs as the excitement of an affair ups the brain's production of feel good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. But in the end, affairs generally destroy the cheater and their marriage.

So, what's the solution? Well this is completely fixable. You need to work on yourself since you are the only person who you can change. And hopefully as you change your husband will get on board.

There are some good books that explain how to fix the type of situation that you are dealing with, they are: "*Love Busting*" and "*His Needs, Her Needs*". Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. Then have a talk with your husband and ask him to read the books with you and do the work with you.

One of the most important things that the books talk about is spending quality time together. A couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week of quality time together, without kid or anyone else. For example, shooting pool is not quality time. As you noted he's focused on this pool and you want him to focus on you. It's completely reasonable that he would focus on shooting pool, after all that's what you were there for... at least that's what he thought. Another activity that is not spending quality time together it going to a movie or watching TV because you are no focused on each other.

You need to start dating your husband again and my hope is that you can inspire this change in your marriage.


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## hellosun (Jul 4, 2019)

@UpsideDownWorld11
"Seems fairly normal. What is your question?""
My question is "what do I do?" I am in a relationship with a good person, we have two children but I am not happy in the relationship because I find him boring and he doesn't show me love the way I need.


@EleGirl

While I agree with a lot of the things you mentioned, like when you talk about when passion ends and 
"In your post, you say things like he does not help you out when you are feeling down, etc. It's not his job to make you feel better. That's your job". I agree with that I am was not saying that it is his job to make me feel better. I am saying is that he does not help me with that, and I do hope the person I am sharing my life with would. Such as noticing when I am down and knowing how to comfort me and give me strength to feel better. It's not like I feel depressed and spend days on my bed and don't want to do anything. It's more like day to day life, something not nice happened, he knows it, he sees me not feeling great about it and does nothing, acts like everything is normal.


"I find it interesting that he went to counseling as though he was one with a problem. Why didn't you get your own individual counselor and go?" I did have some period I was not feeling great several years ago, and I did seek counseling. He went to counseling because he could not get out of the bed for days, he was grumpy and very depressed. He gets easily overwhelmed. He has a hard time handling many personal problems, not only with me but with other people too, like in his family. Mainly because he has a hard time having an opinion, realizing he has an opinion, and even when he does, he can't say it. It must be very frustrating for him, and that's what I hoped the councelor was working with him.

"You have no real, big problems in your marriage. You have a husband who loves you, who does his fair share and more around the house, he supports you and your children. Believe me when I say that divorce does not get rid of problems, it just creates new ones and they are often much worse when children are involved." I still see problems. I don't think it's fair that we stay together because we are both nice people, but I am not happy. But I know divorce can be awful and despite everything, our son is a very happy child. Which is why I don't know what to do.

"Many people, when they get to the point you are at go out and have affairs as the excitement of an affair ups the brain's production of feel good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. But in the end, affairs generally destroy the cheater and their marriage." I never thought about affair, I have no desire or intention to do this. It's wrong and unfair.

"So, what's the solution? Well this is completely fixable. You need to work on yourself since you are the only person who you can change. And hopefully as you change your husband will get on board." I do, and I have changed a lot in the past few years. I did use to think he was responsible for a lot more than I think he is. Now it's more clear what I hope to have in a relationship. We all have needs, and while I can't have him responsible for making everything happen in my life, I do need to feel things I don't from him.

"shooting pool is not quality time. As you noted he's focused on this pool and you want him to focus on you. It's completely reasonable that he would focus on shooting pool, after all that's what you were there for" I am not sure if I agree with that. I am not there to just do that. I am there to spend time with him, do something different and not to compete or be the best at playing pool. Why does it need to be something serious that I focus on instead of just a fun game to have some laughs and distract us from other things while it is just the two of us? I have played pool with friends from work and I has a lot more fun than with my husband. Because we were there to have fun. Which was also the intent when going out with my husband.
"at least that's what he thought" - i don't know if that's what he thought. He just sometimes focus on the wrong things, and he knows that. I am not even sure if he is focusing on something or just lost in this mind. He does that when we are walking as a family, and I am the one who has to be watching our son all the time, because he won't notice if our son is running to the streets, or something like that.
This brings two problems in our relationship which is I rarely feel like he's with me, and I have to always be on top of things, because I can't trust him (our son has gotten injured a few times when they were together that was because my husband was distracted/lost in his mind)

"You need to start dating your husband again and my hope is that you can inspire this change in your marriage." everytime we start trying "from the beginning" to be nice, and sweet and "start dating" again, I find it hard to keep up because he keeps doing the same things and I don't see him trying to change stuff that he recognizes and tells me he wants to change.
That's why I am stuck and don't know what to do.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Not everyone is going to understand what’s happening in your case, probably not even yourself, because it really is subtle. This is why some comments might sound invalidating.

I can see a bit of the problem here because I can relate to them in a way. Like you, it took me years and years to figure out why I always felt there was a problem but couldn’t quite point it out.

One of the things is that your husband is mechanical, passive and probably lets you lead the stuffs. I too understand the burden of keeping control of everything mentally by myself. There is even an online comic showing why this can be very tiresome. If one person has to be the “manager” and keeping in mind everything that needs to be done, as well as doing it, and the other person is passive when it comes to mental check and decision making, even if he or she also does things, then it is not balanced and it’s tiresome and frustrating.
You said that your husband went through depression and have issues, probably it has to do with that. My own husband has been stressed, negative, critical, passive with even his own problems, and so on that by time I couldn’t emotionally connect with him. Imagine wanting to have a good time with someone who is negative most of the time and it drags your mood and psychological well being too.

But I never understood why I was not happy. I just tried to talk to him, he promises changes just to keep peace, as he perceived it as a normal woman problem. I tried to wonder what’s wrong with me, tried to adjust to him, that he loves me but is just not expressive, that he is critical when I’m down because he just wanted to help.
All the emotional neglect and yet I told myself I’m the one responsible for my own emotional well being, ignoring that he drags me down often. It’s strange how we give more importance to the physical connection than emotional in relationships.

But I asked myself, how can I still love someone who becomes like this? I tried to work on my part, to appreciate his good sides, but how to keep succeeding if interactions became more stressful? After our child was born I felt so alone and he made me feel even worse. If I’m responsible for my own well being, then maybe the responsible thing to do is to get out, as I can only change me.
But I do still want to make it work. I’m now trying to give one last time. He knows that. But in some days I find a bit more hope. Many days I feel there is little.

I don’t have solid advice but I just want to tell you that you must not doubt yourself if you feel something is wrong. Your needs are important too. “How to improve your marriage without talking about it” explained how women feel alone and the emotional need is important too, while men might feel ashamed and therefore avoiding the issue. In this book it also mentined how depression in men might make things worse.

Maybe what both can do is to each work on themselves as individuals. If any of you is not good, then it won’t work as a couple. For example, my husband needs to work on him as an individual because of his job and life and negativism. Being a proactive person, I always solved my issues and sometimes I find it really hard that he complains all the time but does little to change. But in the end, it’s up to himself. As for me, I’ve been working on myself to get better rigt now because motherhood has been so hard specially the first years. It really changed me, I’m almostgoing to depression, But I still fight and be positive and take control of my life.

Also, if I were you about that pool game I’d also feel upset. I understand that it’s still a date and mechanic kisses and affection are not good. Maybe what you can do on your side is to explain him (try a few different approaches and see what’s work) and next time pick an activity that doesn’t require focus or competition. try to explain him by explaining how you feel about dates and what you would like so he can feel less defensive and therefore more receptive.


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## Archangel158 (Jul 6, 2019)

There are parts of your relationship story, similar to mine. I would say on the surface your husband may have issues similar to ADD. I know for me, some of those comments you made about him forgetting certain things are reflective of ADD. My wife has had similar complaints. I think the part you mentioned about robotic is required for a person with ADD to get things done. 

I'm not sure how you guys communicate, but at least it sounds like his actions are in the right place. I'm trying to work through some communication issues on my own and I know those barriers can be a huge hurdle. You have the major things in check in terms of your values and interests. It seems you believe he doesn't know you, but what are you guys doing to harness that connection? The things you mentioned that he does right, it seems like are most people's gripes with their significant other. Not trying to downplay your concern, but I'm trying to understand the root issue.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

hellosun said:


> @UpsideDownWorld11
> "Seems fairly normal. What is your question?""
> My question is "what do I do?" I am in a relationship with a good person, we have two children but I am not happy in the relationship because I find him boring and he doesn't show me love the way I need.
> 
> ...


Seems like you need something to kick his ass in gear. Like an instruction manual. How is your sex life? Is he a passive fellow that follows your lead or does he take charge (in and out of the bedroom). I have a few ideas if that is the case. 

Welbutrin might help with his moodiness and ADD from what I've heard.

I dont think ruminating over divorce is a good idea. You are pregnant and have another child, you need to exhast everything before throwing in the towel on your family.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Your story reads like an arc that many of us have gone through in our marriages. Relationship ruts, no longer happy with what we settled for some time ago, wondering if this is all there is, how can I be happy 10 years down the road if I'm less happy now than I was 10 years ago? 

Somebody has to make the first move. You've already told us it will never be him. The quality time stuff is important. He can't meet you on his terms (the failed pool date etc). You need to meet him on his, if possible. What does he enjoy doing? Can you join him in it? This is tougher than many think. I have an easy time joining my wife in things she likes to do, creating a bank account of quality time with her. But despite my asking, several times so I know it's just not going to happen, she won't spend time with me watering the garden. Just won't. And yet "quality time" with me is a huge thing for her. Just has to be on her terms. I could make a big deal of that, but why? I can meet her on her terms and things work out very, very well.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

IMO, it is difficult to have feelings of intimacy and connection in a marriage when your spouse does not like your personality, gifts, efforts, energy or lack thereof, etc. One's happiness cannot always be dependent on the other. A critical spirit creates a shallow relationship.

Do you have it in you to find as many opportunities as possible to praise him with your actions matching your words? What you have been doing hasn't worked. Try this including telling him how much you appreciate him and care for him.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sounds like your communication sucks. You are telling him things, but he's not hearing them. I'm guessing this goes the other way as well. Two people who handle situations differently becoming increasingly frustrated that the other can't just do things the way they do them. Why can't you fix a bad day the way he does? Why can't he comfort you the way you would for him? And so on and so forth. 

When things are going well, the foundation is good enough to keep the building standing on its own just fine. When its raining and the ground is too soft, the house needs the glue, the mortar, the nails, screws, nuts and bolts that is communication to keep this thing from collapsing. 

Watching your house crumble around you and failing to put some more glue in place will only lead to more deterioration. Doesn't matter what the two of you change about yourselves. Although, that will help as well. Those are like the new bricks you will use to replace that old rotten siding. Bricks are worthless with out mortar though.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The thing that stands out to me the most is the fact that you two have been together since your teen years.

Neither one of you have ever been able to experience what it's like to be a young adult and spread your wings - live the single life, date up a storm, have your heart broken 5 or 6 times, experience different things with different people, have other sexual partners, one night stands, make a fool of yourself when you drank too much at the club, and the list just goes on and on. You've always been tied to each other and you both missed out on so many rites of passage into young adulthood.

The brain isn't even done developing until you're around 25 years old or so. That means you won't even be the same person after 25 that you were at 19 or 20. That's all a part of growing up and becoming an adult.

Honestly?

It just sounds to me like you've outgrown your husband and that's why nothing he can do is satisfying or appealing to you anymore. I've seen this happen a lot in young marriages. It's not unique.

Why is it always up to YOU to pick up *his* slack? It appears you're the only one willing to do any heavy lifting to try to fix what's broken. Aren't you tired of trying to do this all by yourself while he does nothing?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

hellosun said:


> My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. We are now in our mid 30s, we have a son and I am expecting our second. We have always had problems, many things on him that I didn’t like. But only recently (in the past year or so) I started to really realize what they are and how some important things never changed significantly. I think they got more noticeable after our first was born (5 years ago) and he also was very depressed in 1.5 to 2 years ago. He still has his bouts of depression, but not as bad.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Do you love him? If you do, you will put up with it/make the best of it.

I think you might be in a dangerous spot/vulnerable to make mistakes you might regret later...I’m not saying you should definitely stick it out if you are miserable but from what you described, I agree that it sounds like bit of boredom which happens sometimes. Unless you have completely lost attraction for him (or there’s someone else who is paying you more attention), I think it sounds fairly normal...There’s always a bit of push and pull and if you feel you are burdened too much with ‘executive’ responsibilities/decision making, you can always tweak it and he sounds like he would be amenable to help more/take initiative...(maybe he does in other areas of your marriage? You kinda have to divide it).

Regarding being absent minded and often not ‘in the moment’...Yeah I suffered from it too and still do if I don’t make active efforts not to feel this way. We can’t really live in the present moment because once we experienced, it is already gone and because life is difficult for everyone (whether you are rich or poor, healthy or sick; it’s still very difficult, even if to different degrees: everyone is affected by health or misfortune and things like that). I tend to get more depressed when things are going well because I anticipate something bad is going to happen. When something bad is happening, I can at least focus on fixing that (if it CAN be fixed).

My wife doesn’t understand this mindset: to her, it’s pointless to worry about something you cannot predict or do anything about. We are different.

Just mentioning this in case something similar is bothering your husband.

What helped me appreciate moments is doing photography - I can really focus on what is actually going on instead of constantly worrying about what terrible thing might happen next...

I also have a bunch of hobbies and active other things I do as distraction (some sports, travel, hiking, sciences, astronomy, even the stock market).

Anyway, none of it is maybe helpful. Talk to your husband after sex; that’s the best time for guys to open up. Go out and travel together, if you can. Make an effort. Appreciate what you have as well.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Maybe if he got different stuff for your birthday, or thought of different ways to surprise you, you would really like it and think he was awesome. Or maybe you would find some fault with those, too. I did read that he has tried a lot of things to please you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hellosun said:


> @UpsideDownWorld11
> "Seems fairly normal. What is your question?""
> My question is "what do I do?" I am in a relationship with a good person, we have two children but I am not happy in the relationship because I find him boring and he doesn't show me love the way I need.
> 
> ...


The answers to the questions you have here are in the books I recommended. It's all there. Once you read them, you will understand by playing pool is not quality time that will rebuild your relationship. 

If the two of you are profoundly unhappy in this marriage, then sure, a divorce with co-parenting is about the best you can do. But if you want to fix your marriage, or at least give it one more good try, then I highly recommend that you read the books. I don't make any money if you buy the books. I'm suggesting them because I know of so many couples who have completely turned around a situation like yours with the advice in those books.

If however, you are look for support to leave your husband, then do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What did he buy you for your birthday that you did not want and/or did not like? What would you have rather he got you?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

A marriage is largely running a boring small business. A great personality is more important when you are single and dating than dealing with mundane tasks like child rearing and house cleaning.

These problems appear fixable to me. He may benefit from ADHD medication.


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