# I need female input. I just lost my best friend and have no idea why.



## incognito (Oct 16, 2008)

I'm a divorced guy of 29. I'm not sure it's relevant, but I feel like it means something when I say that I know this girl is the one.

My girlfriend (ex?  ) and I were together for 2 years and 3 months until this past Sunday. We had what I can only describe as the best relationship I could imagine. She's just like me in a ton of ways. She's extremely open and loving, affectionate, passionate, kind-hearted, and is the type that writes little love notes and things. She never put me in uncomfortable situations, and always took my feelings into consideration when making a decision. I'm the same way. We traded "how's your day going, I love you!" texts throughout the day, every day, for the last 2 years. We talked on the phone for 12 hours the first time we ever spoke, and could still easily spend an hour or two chatting this far into the relationship.

With all our similarities, we have enough differences to makes us really click. She's a type A with a lot of B traits, while I'm more of a B with a lot of A traits. 

She's independent, strong-willed and driven, has a job and a master's degree, and doesn't NEED me. I've got a great job as well. We don't live together, but have spent most every night together at one place or another for most of our relationship. I moved from about 30min away to only 10 blocks away from her, and transferred work locations to be closer to her about 20 months ago.

For a long time, we've discussed marriage and what our life would be like. We always talk about it in a timeframe as if it'll be our life one day. It's just understood. We even started planning what we wanted in our house in a little notepad. About a year ago, she even gave me some serious grief that she wasn't going to wait around forever..lol I know that she knew I had some reservations in the beginning, having not been too far removed from my failed marriage (no kids, ex is long gone), but I reassured her that I had no intention of doing anything other than being with her forever. 

So, back in the spring, I told her I was going to work a lot of overtime to save up money to buy her the ring she deserves. I was told by both her and her best friend that I should talk to her best friend's new husband, since he's a jeweler and can get me a good deal.

Let me take you back to about August, as I feel this is important. I wanted to rent a house with her, and asked her about it. She seemed interested at first, since we already live so close, it would save us money, and we're together all the time anyway. We even drove around a couple times, and looked in the local ads. However, at the same time she was saying "I like the idea, but it worries me. I'm afraid we won't get along anymore if we're together all the time." Later-on, she brought up the issue of her parents not approving of it (although she did it with someone a few years back), said "we're doing fine like we are, so why not keep it this way?" and I dropped the idea. No big deal, I guess.

Fat forward to Tuesday of last week. I called her up after work one day to let her know (out of sheer frustration) that I had contacted her best friend's husband (who I also know very well and consider a friend) two months ago, and a couple times since, and he still hadn't even gotten back to me with the slightest bit of information regarding the pictures of rings I'd sent him. I didnt' know what else to do, so I was hoping maybe she could say something like "I think he's ring shopping" to her friend (who knew of my contact), and she would get him on the stick so I could get on with m purchase. I worked like a dog over the summer, and had a nice chunk ready for a nice ring. I had also found "the ring," finally.

She sounded a little weird after I told her, and I thought "you idiot, you shouldn't have discussed that with her," although the ring and our impending engagement has NEVER been any kind of secret. Her impatience to get engaged and loving nagging about it before kind of took a lot of the fantasy moment out of it a while back. Still, I thought maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. So, I texted her the next day and told her I'd take care of reminding him again.

So, the next evening she and I are talking and she asks if I took care of it, and I say "yep...I hope so." Then, she says "I need to talk to you about that" and drops a BOMB on me!

She said when I mentioned the ring shopping, and it was REAL and in her face, she got major anxiety over getting engaged and wanted to let me know before I spent thousands of dollars. She then went on to say I've been acting different, and maybe she needs to re-examine what she needs out of a relationship. I was blown away in that moment. This girl is my HEART, and I'm hers. So, I asked if she didn't want to see me anymore and she said "I don't want you out of my life! Baby, I love you!" Totally confusing. So, I asked her what she needs from me, and she said "time."

Well, apparently "time" meant she needed to be alone until Sunday. She did call me Thursday night and was totally her loving self. She told me she loved me (first) at the end of the call, and had her usual, sweet tone of voice. But I didn't hear from her Friday aside from a short response to a text, and Saturday I had to call her to speak with her, and it was just long enough for me to know she was ok (I was at work, so...). Then nothing Saturday night. Sunday after work, I was sick with worry.

So, Sunday afternoon I called her and this is what she says...

"I don't think I can do this anymore." (our relationship)

So I ask why (after picking myself up off the floor), and she says (I swear, this is her only reasons)...

"What's important to me is not important to you. Sometimes you're late for stuff (5 minutes late like 6 times in 2 years..it annoys her), and you're not the same lately. You promise things and don't follow through."

Such as?

"Like, I've been wanting to go see a play or broadway show and you know that, and I've been dropping hints here and there, and you never planned it."

:scratchhead:

She has been wanting to do that night out, but she first mentioned it about 1.5 years ago, right before she started the internship from hell, where she (no BS) worked 7 days a week for a year straight. Since she finished that in the spring, she's wanted to do little more than be at home in the evenings. I worked a lot in the summer, as did she, and we still made time to see each other every single night. We don't just plop into bed. We do QUALITY time. We talk, we cuddle, we LIVE. And who says I have to be the one to plan the night out? Good God! 

This girl and I NEVER fight. Any little tiffs we have are worked out, and most of the time we just communicate and solve our problems on-the-spot. She's a counselor by profession, and I grew up in a house where I've literally NEVER seen my parents fight. We communicate better than I could ever dream. 

So, since Sunday I've been a complete wreck. This is 10 times worse than my separation and divorce. I was GLAD to get away from my ex wife. We talked one more time Sunday evening. I was crying. She was crying. She said she was sorry, and she didn't expect me to understand her reasoning, and that she'll always love me.

I'm sorry this post is so long, but I want to know from the ladies...WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING HERE?

*My only thought is that she's scared!* I think she gave me a warning with the house rental idea, and I didn't pick up on it. This girl is super duper independent, and values her time and her space. I've ALWAYS given her that, and I really (since the divorce) value mine as well. Even if she's working at home and we're forced to be in close quarters, I keep my mouth shut and give her space within a space. The last thing I want is someone up in my grill, so I don't want to be up in hers. We rarely get together before 8pm on a weekenight, or 6pm on a weekend unless we go to a weekend event or something. We do our own thing. 

But this girl is my EVERYTHING. And this is the girl who more than once has awakened in the middle of the night from a nightmare and said "I just dreamed you broke up with me...it was horrible!" This girl clings to me at bedtime, and kisses me in the mornings. 

I'M LIVING THAT NIGHTMARE!!! IT IS HORRIBLE!!!


So we've had no contact at all since Sunday around 6pm. I sent her two dozen roses at work today with a card that read "Urgent help needed!! I've been diagnosed with a rare but fatal case of "off balance walking syndrome." I need you reattached to my hip, ASAP!!"

I figured humor with a little "I need you" was the best way to go about it. I usually write a funny poem on the card. 

I also sent her an email to read when she got home from work that basically said how much I miss her, how much I love her, how I think I scared her and that it's OK to be scared, and that I'll never be late for anything again, along with some other stuff to let her understand how much she means to me. I hadn't heard anything from her about either one, so I tried to call her a couple hours ago and she didn't answer. She chats a lot, so that's no big surprise. But, she hasn't called back. 

This is just SO BIZARRE. Please help me understand it.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i dont think its a case of being scared, but simply maybe she just isnt sure of what she wants or maybe she does and its moving on.
i suggest you actually do give her some space. if she isnt answering you , thats a manner in itself. she doesnt want contact. 
you sound like a bit of fun and its ashame that you had a wonderful time for it to end this way. where you become strangers again. 
dont give up just yet, but see how the next month pans out and i gues then you wil have your answer.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Based on what you've said, I would also think she's scared of making a permanent commitment. When you think of spending the rest of your life with someone, you do tend to think of all of the little things that bother you and wonder if you want that for the rest of your life. In reality I don't know of any marriage where those little things don't exist but when you become accustomed to being on your own it's sometimes natural to think of all of the changes marriage will bring and although many are good there are also things you will give up (doing what you want when you want, making financial decisions independent of anyone else, etc.)

At this point, based on her reaction (or lack thereof) to your gestures of late, I would back off and give her the space she's asking for. Hopefully at some point sooner than later, she will want to see you and talk. I think at that point taking the pressure off of the marriage/living together would be the best approach and go back to dating her...wine and dine...take her out and have fun. She might be worried that you are getting complacent in the relationship & getting to a point where you've stopped having fun outside of being at home and she can't imagine "this is it, forever"

Otherwise, sounds like you are very compatible and a loving couple so hopefully this is just a bump in the road and with some adjustments you will work through it.


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## incognito (Oct 16, 2008)

swedish said:


> Based on what you've said, I would also think she's scared of making a permanent commitment. When you think of spending the rest of your life with someone, you do tend to think of all of the little things that bother you and wonder if you want that for the rest of your life. In reality I don't know of any marriage where those little things don't exist but when you become accustomed to being on your own it's sometimes natural to think of all of the changes marriage will bring and although many are good there are also things you will give up (doing what you want when you want, making financial decisions independent of anyone else, etc.)
> 
> At this point, based on her reaction (or lack thereof) to your gestures of late, I would back off and give her the space she's asking for. Hopefully at some point sooner than later, she will want to see you and talk. I think at that point taking the pressure off of the marriage/living together would be the best approach and go back to dating her...wine and dine...take her out and have fun. She might be worried that you are getting complacent in the relationship & getting to a point where you've stopped having fun outside of being at home and she can't imagine "this is it, forever"
> 
> Otherwise, sounds like you are very compatible and a loving couple so hopefully this is just a bump in the road and with some adjustments you will work through it.


Thank you both for the replies..

I realized today that this is probably not just cold feet, but has a lot to do with the fact that she hasn't found a better job since finishing graduate school back in May, and she's gotten unhappy with herself and where her life is. 

I think it has almost nothing to do with me, aside from the fact that she feels (somewhere deep inside that she's not ready to admit yet) that being with me limits her job options to our region. I make substantially more than she at this point, have almost 10 years with my company and good job stability, and my field is sort-of specialized. I also think she doesn't want to take me from my family by leaving the state for a job change (for both of us), and all these things sort-of hit her when the ring discussions began. 

I think that "this is it" feeling isn't really about wining and dining, per se, but more about "I'm not where I need to be, and marriage = finality (in her mind)." She and I are pretty social even at this point, take vacations, go to lots of concerts and events. And if it's going on around town, we do it. That's how she rolls, and that's why I love her. Sunshine and a beer are what makes her day. That's why the whole thing about a night out I didn't plan just didn't fly with me. One missing night among plenty of activities is no reason to throw away a relationship. 

I just got off the phone with her cousin (male, our age), who she's close with and I'm good friends with. It's the first time I've talked to him since this happened. He said everyone is in shock, and he told her before and after she did this that her reasoning makes no sense at all. Everyone (everyone, being their family, especially on his side, who've been around me through the years, along with friends from tailgating and things) knows how great we get along, and how good a match we've been, and how openly affectionate we are. 

Anyway...today, I just decided that I can't control this. I said my piece with the flowers and email, and desperation phone call. I don't want to turn into a stalker, so I'm going to give her the space she obviously wants. I'll let her think things through, and if our relationship is the beautiful thing I've told you all it is, then she'll come around. If it's not, and she continues to feel like this is the best thing for her, then as much as it pains me to imagine it, it'll be the best thing for both of us. She's the light of MY life, but I also need to be the light of hers--no exceptions.


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

***She's the light of MY life, but I also need to be the light of hers--no exceptions.***

Very well said. Keep us posted.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Just curious, but where do you rank against her? For example, are you on the same education level? What do you do for a living? Do you make enough money? One thing I know is that women will not marry "down", with a few exceptions. And since she is very independent, she probably wants to see what else is out there, hence her hesitation and 2nd thoughts about marriage. So give her space and see what she finds. And stop sending the roses and emails to her. And leave her family out of it because they'll pressure her and nag her. The harder you try to win her, the faster she'll run away! And just because you feel one way about her doesn't mean she feels the same to you. I know that sounds obvious, but think about that.


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