# To those who have reconciled.



## Sunshine_Butterflies

Did your spouse sleep with other people during your separation? My husband slept with 3 women during our 18 month separation, I slept with no one. Even though we were separated I must admit I do struggle with the fact that he was intimate with other women. We split up after our child was born three months early. It wasn't due to infidelity, the strain of my child being born so early just broke us apart.


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## ne9907

Why did you reconcile?

Whenever you find the answer, stick to that. If you want your marriage to be happy and successful, you must let go of the past. Seek therapy if you are unable to let go of the past by yourself.
Good luck.


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## indiecat

Your baby was born at 6 months, was he there to support you at the hospital throughout. How involved was he with his child during the separation. 

Was he honest about sleeping with the other women, or did you find out some other way.


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## norajane

If you've decided to reconcile now after 18 months, you have to accept that he believed there would be no reconciliation. He believed your couple relationship was over, and he moved on with his life with that understanding, including moving on with other women. He can't be expected to not be with any other women forever if he believed your relationship was done.

I know that's hard to swallow since you didn't move on yourself with other men. But that's likely how he sees it, and doesn't consider it cheating at all. 

It may be hard but you have to consider it as the past, just like whoever he was with before you two got together. Each time you start dwelling on your thoughts, stop. Get up and do something, or start reading a book or something else, or balance your checkbook, etc. Stop those thoughts by replacing them with other thoughts. Remind yourself each time that you are looking forward, not back.

Good luck to you.


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## lenzi

What were the terms of the separation?

Was dating other people discussed and agreed upon?

Was it a separation to give one another space or to take steps towards divorce or was it left completely openended?

Rarely do two people decide to split up at the exact same time. Usually one wants out and the other doesn't, or is at least not nearly as close to having one foot out the door. So who was the one who wanted out more? Why am I thinking it was your husband and he wasted no time in getting in bed with his first new partner?


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## Sunshine_Butterflies

indiecat said:


> Your baby was born at 6 months, was he there to support you at the hospital throughout. How involved was he with his child during the separation.
> 
> Was he honest about sleeping with the other women, or did you find out some other way.


No, the NICU my DD was in was 2.5 hours away from our house and he had to stay behind and work, so I just dealt with it without him and pulled away from him. He wasn't involved with her at all during our separation, he actually moved to another country. He only told me honestly about the other women when he was back in the country, and we had been working towards a R for a month by that stage. I knew about them though. He just didn't know that.


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## Sunshine_Butterflies

lenzi said:


> What were the terms of the separation?
> 
> Was dating other people discussed and agreed upon?
> 
> Was it a separation to give one another space or to take steps towards divorce or was it left completely openended?
> 
> Rarely do two people decide to split up at the exact same time. Usually one wants out and the other doesn't, or is at least not nearly as close to having one foot out the door. So who was the one who wanted out more? Why am I thinking it was your husband and he wasted no time in getting in bed with his first new partner?


To be fair I did tell him there was no chance we would reconcile. I left him. He wanted to stay together but by the time my DD came out of the hospital we had been apart for too long and I was just focused solely on my little girl.


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## lenzi

Sunshine_Butterflies said:


> To be fair I did tell him there was no chance we would reconcile. I left him. He wanted to stay together but by the time my DD came out of the hospital we had been apart for too long and I was just focused solely on my little girl.


Oh.. wow I was expecting a completely different answer. 

Well, you know the old saying, I guess you got what you deserved..


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## Sunshine_Butterflies

norajane said:


> If you've decided to reconcile now after 18 months, you have to accept that he believed there would be no reconciliation. He believed your couple relationship was over, and he moved on with his life with that understanding, including moving on with other women. He can't be expected to not be with any other women forever if he believed your relationship was done.
> 
> I know that's hard to swallow since you didn't move on yourself with other men. But that's likely how he sees it, and doesn't consider it cheating at all.
> 
> It may be hard but you have to consider it as the past, just like whoever he was with before you two got together. Each time you start dwelling on your thoughts, stop. Get up and do something, or start reading a book or something else, or balance your checkbook, etc. Stop those thoughts by replacing them with other thoughts. Remind yourself each time that you are looking forward, not back.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Thank you so much for this advice. This was just what I needed to hear, I left him and told him there was no chance that we would ever reconcile and he told me that he truly believed we wouldn't. I don't consider it cheating I just didn't realise R would be so damn hard. Thanks again.


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## Sunshine_Butterflies

lenzi said:


> Oh.. wow I was expecting a completely different answer.
> 
> Well, you know the old saying, I guess you got what you deserved..


Wow how kind. I guess you have had a child born 3 months early and know how hard that is on a marriage too? Whatever.


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## Openminded

Reconciling after separation is hard because rarely do both people have the same experience during separation. Often it's the case that one has sex and the other has none while separated. Unless there was an agreement about no dating and no sex during separation, you have to put that behind you when you reconcile.

ETA: I just read your response about no agreement and no thought of R while you were separated. In that case, you will have to just let it go. There is no harder road than R.


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## lenzi

Sunshine_Butterflies said:


> Wow how kind. I guess you have had a child born 3 months early and know how hard that is on a marriage too? Whatever.


You left him. _He didn't want to break up. _

Even though I completely understand the stress brought on by a 3 month premature baby I don't get how that equates to leaving your husband. 

So anyway you leave, against his wishes, and he subsequently goes and sleeps with 3 women and now you regret it.

All I'm saying is that you got bit by the karma bug.


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## GusPolinski

lenzi said:


> Oh.. wow I was expecting a completely different answer.
> 
> Well, you know the old saying, I guess you got what you deserved..





lenzi said:


> You left him. _He didn't want to break up. _
> 
> Even though I completely understand the stress brought on by a 3 month premature baby I don't get how that equates to leaving your husband.
> 
> So anyway you leave, against his wishes, and he subsequently goes and sleeps with 3 women and now you regret it.
> 
> All I'm saying is that you got bit by the karma bug.


Lenzi, did you miss this part...



Sunshine_Butterflies said:


> To be fair I did tell him there was no chance we would reconcile. I left him. He wanted to stay together but *by the time my DD came out of the hospital we had been apart for too long and I was just focused solely on my little girl.*


How about this one?



Sunshine_Butterflies said:


> No, the NICU my DD was in was 2.5 hours away from our house and he had to stay behind and work, so I just dealt with it without him and pulled away from him. *He wasn't involved with her at all during our separation, he actually moved to another country.* He only told me honestly about the other women when he was back in the country, and we had been working towards a R for a month by that stage. I knew about them though. He just didn't know that.


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## lenzi

How are those red bolded highlights at all relevant?

I get that after she told him they were done, with no chance of reconciliation, he moved away and didn't have anything to do with his new baby daughter.

But that was, again, AFTER she told him she was finished with no chance of getting back together.


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