# unwanted pregnancy 11 month relationship and issues with our future?



## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I'm 19 nearly. I found out I was pregnant december 9th. Neither of us really wanted. I've been inlove with my bf for almost 11 months. My boyfriend never wants kids but I actually do just not really now. I'm about 7 weeks pregnant. I feel sick a lot of the time because of this pregnancy. I'm just not myself. I don't really want it because I'm only 19. I'm still school and I want to focus on our relationship friends and traveling before kids. I have no connection to this pregnancy at all. My bf doesn't think he'd be a good parent. He offers to pay financially but he doesn't think he's capable of parenting well. He's got a good job financially stable and he even told his family who's excited think it's about time for him. He's said he'd rather I'd abort and I finally realize that not sure though if it's too late now that his family knows. Our relationsip fear if it'll survive having an unwanted child like this. I don't want anything to ruin our relationship my happiness or my future career. I know now we should've had an abortion yet there are too many issues right now. Also his family is now all pressuring for us to marry which is ok we've talked about getting engaged for the past 3 months. So I anticipateit to happen soon no matter the outcome of this pregnancy. Another issue I feel like we're on different sets of mind. He doesn't want kids ever. At this point he's 46 he probably will never want them. He has said since I got pregnant that he's getting a vasectomy so it never happens again. It's ok for now but in the future I think I'll want kids? I've always thought I'd have 2 kids with him in like 10 years. I worry if this will ruin our future relationship like if I come to point when I want kids but he doesn't. I don't want our relationship to be in any trouble. I want to make sure three things aren't going to have troubles later on. Which includes our relationship my career and my friends. I feel like I'm confused if either way one of these 3 things will be somewhat destroyed in the meanwhile idk what to do. I fear for our future I really do. Advice?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered adoption? Lots of people with good situations that can't have kids on their own.

Maybe call an adoption agency and see what your options there are.


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## cubsfn (Sep 23, 2010)

Wait your 19 and he is 46 .. and you think in 10 years you two would have kids? Best of luck to you on what ever happens, but I agree with the above poster ... adoption is always an option too!


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

While going through with the adoption after you have the baby will be extremely hard, I think in your case it would be a good thing for you to do. If you know that you do not want kids right now and would not be up to taking care of this baby 100%, then the most love you could show this baby is giving it a home with parents that are ready but maybe not able, or ones that are in a better place and can give him/her what they need. If you still want to be a part of the baby's life, consider open adoption or something like that....I can guarantee you that if you know one day that you will want kids and he knows that he never does, and seeing as he is 46 I doubt the desire for kids will kick in in the future, that will definitely cause resentment in the relationship, conflicting desires for having/not having kids is a huge deal breaker for a lot of marriages/relationships. I know what you are going through because I got pregnant at 20, me and my now H had only known each other a few months and it was scary. Luckily for us it worked out and we have 2 kids now and are married. 

I agree with Shaggy though, call an adoption agency and see what your options are, and maybe they can provide you with counseling to help in making your decision. Good luck and keep us posted!


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

if I were to have it I know I'd keep it because we're financially ready. I just wasn't ready to have my life revolve around a child. I feel like I should keep it because if I gave up everything in my life. I could do it we could get married and I could be a sahm and have primary care him/her. But what's it all for if I end up not wanting this baby and have hurt everything in my life for it. But if I didn't I fear when I want kids I'd end up breaking up with my bf and I don't want that ever to happen. I want us to be together forever...


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

cubsfn said:


> Wait your 19 and he is 46 .. and you think in 10 years you two would have kids? Best of luck to you on what ever happens, but I agree with the above poster ... adoption is always an option too!


yea he's not like the average older guy he doesn't even look 40.....


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

my question was more on our relationship


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Adoption or abort...either way.. IMO, you need to leave him. 46 is no life for a 19yr old. especially if you've had an 11 month relationship.. He was 45 and you were 18. Not cool. He was using you for sex when you started the relationship. It may have grown more for him since, but bottom line is, he was not looking for a life partner when he met you. He does not want kids. He will resent you if you keep it & make him marry you. Give it up for adoption. .... leave him BEFORE the baby is born.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: (except for the abort part, no judgments or anything I"m just a pro-lifer, and we'll leave it at that )


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

it wasn't I didn't have sex with him until november we had a long term relationship for about 9 months before sex. It's not that type of relationship really...


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no I turn 19 in january early january we got together early february we didn't even know each other before then. And 18's an adult so there's nothing wrong with it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

He is 46 and you're almost 19, what does that tell you? 

Here is what I think. A 19 yr old and a 46 yr old have nothing in common. My guess is he likes sex with you, because you are young and maybe you make him feel young. 

Its not a relationship that is likely to last, because its not really based on anything except some sex. I know this is not something you want to hear and you want to believe he loves you, will take care of you, have babies with you etc, and he sure might, until another young love comes along that peaks his interest.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Age difference aside, he doesn't want children, you do. End of story. You can't change him and trying to would be very disrespectful. You either need to leave him, or accept the fact that you will not have children.
> 
> Not being rude, but it's very naive to think that in 2 years you can change his line of thinking on children. He is 46, if he hasn't had children yet it is because he really doesn't ever want or plan to have any. If you want to have his baby you need to keep the one you’re currently pregnant with. Those are just the facts.
> 
> Also, I think you should really look into adoption. There are a lot of couples and individuals who cannot have children of their own who would love to adopt your baby. Have you ever see the look on an adoptive couples face? I have. You are giving them a gift that is priceless. IMO, it is the ultimate selfless act, for the couple and your child.



I just want to do what's best for us. I have thought in the past that it is kind of wrong to try to force a child any child that either of us don't want it just was so natural to think obviously I'd have kids later on. Odd to think otherwise I don't knowwhat I can handle I guess I'll just have to see.....


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> it wasn't I didn't have sex with him until november we had a long term relationship for about 9 months before sex. It's not that type of relationship really...


What kind of relationship is it? Do you both have common interests? 
I'm sorry to say this, but for some reason when I hear about a young girl
with a much older guy, I can't help but think they are searching for a father figure. 

I guess for you, you may see it as a way for someone to take care of you. But for him I have a feeling given his age, his is more about sex and control. He needs to find a woman his own age.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I don't take well to being called a *****. Which is pretty much what you're saying I wouldn't have sex with him or do anything sexual until I knew it was serious. We didn't have any sexual contact until last november which is about 9 months of no sex. People of all ages can find a commonality I'm pretty mature compared to most my age becaus ei didn't grow up with my peer.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> I just want to do what's best for us. I have thought in the past that it is kind of wrong to try to force a child any child that either of us don't want it just was so natural to think obviously I'd have kids later on. Odd to think otherwise I don't knowwhat I can handle I guess I'll just have to see.....


The responses that you make show your age....it also shows that you are not ready for this baby. When you are pregnant your thoughts shouldn't be what is better for this relationship, it should be what is best for this baby?....You have something WAY bigger than your relationship to think about right now...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Adoption or abort...either way.. IMO, you need to leave him. 46 is no life for a 19yr old. especially if you've had an 11 month relationship.. He was 45 and you were 18. Not cool. He was using you for sex when you started the relationship. It may have grown more for him since, but bottom line is, he was not looking for a life partner when he met you. He does not want kids. He will resent you if you keep it & make him marry you. Give it up for adoption. .... leave him BEFORE the baby is born.


yea. And he doesn't want to be tied to her with a kid either.

Nice guy. She's pregnant....he's 46 and says "abortion".


Yuck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And to be 56 (his age in 10 years) is not wise to have children. He wouldn't be involved anyway. I believe you are pretty delusional with this relationship. Sure, YOU have 10 years to wait, but he really does not and he says he doesn't want children.

LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY TALK. He said he doesn't want kids...you say you want 2 kids in about 10 years. Do you honestly think he'll change his mind at 56? I say your relationship won't even last 10 years.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> What kind of relationship is it?


it's a serious relationship we actually love each other truly I know it's the real thing.
and I was on bc to regulatecycles so I guess it was my fault. Maybe it is his reason not to have kids being in his 40'- but I've known 40 year olds who had kids it wasn't so bad. But I'll be there when it's hard I guess I just don't want us to be miserable...


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> yea. And he doesn't want to be tied to her with a kid either.
> 
> Nice guy. She's pregnant....he's 46 and says "abortion".
> 
> ...


he said he'd support me financially whatever my choice was. But thought I should abort....


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Age differences aside..........I am pro choice - even after having a child of my own, but know this - if you abort, you have no idea the anguish and resentment you could feel towards your relationship - let alone your bf. They won't tell you that part at the clinic. If you are mentally able to handle that, then make your decision and do it quick. The longer you wait, the more resentment you will have towards your bf and yourself for doing it. Also, if you don't have a strong, well communicating relationship w/ your bf, the relationship won't be able to overcome an abortion. also, remember that you'll have to lie to his family (who knows and is happy of the news). 

There are a lot of great people out there that would LOVE to have the chance at providing a LOVING and CARING home for your baby. adoption is always an option........

My father in law was 45 when my h was born. He is still a great father - just a bit older than most of he other dad's. Nothing wrong with that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> he said he'd support me financially whatever my choice was. But thought I should abort....


Financial support really means nothing when you are raising a child on your own. 

I really don't see good things coming from this, from HIS side. 

I don't believe in abortion, but I wouldn't tell someone not to do it if they thought it was the right thing. But just be ready for feeling resentment, sadness, etc. My sister still regrets her abortion from 11 years ago.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no I never actually liked men who reminded me of what my dad would've been like. 
also this guy isn't even my race he could be my dad. He's way younger than what he would've been anyway.
we both have the same career interest. We're both basketball fans both writers both like primarily the same things it can get anoying sometimes but I love it because I know I've found my other half.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wish I had been so sure about things at 19. lol.

I hope the best for you


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO I think any advice people give you will more than likely fall of deaf ears. I think you have your mind made up. 

You are 19 and say its love and you know its the real thing. I remember those days too, when I thought things were the real thing. Looking back now at 19 I didn't know squat. I don't know to many 19 yr olds who do.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I am sorry, but I just have to say this;
> 
> You say you want kids. How can you say you want kids and then abort the one you are carrying? It's not the babies fault you two didn't use protection. You are both "adults" who know how babies are made....


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Thank you for saying that!


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I used birth control. So stop blaming me.

I wouldn't abort for him. If I weren't with him and any random guy I'd have aborted long time ago. I just really wanted a family with him. 
and actually him oroviding financially would be enough for me to even hire help I've considered hiring a nanny like fulltime so maybe I could have life as it was. Idk though if that's a good or bad idea. I just don't want to lose what I have but yea............


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP--it's *entirely up to you * whether to keep, adopt or abort.

Don't let anyone sway you. Do what YOU want to do. 

Re: your ordeal. 19 and 46? You have nothing in common. Yur relationship has the odds way stacked against them. Also, I am curious why you are attracted to someone that much older? At 19, I wanted to date guys my own age, not dudes as old (older than my father, ew).


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Look you may be right, he may be your soulmate, I mean weirder things have happened than a 19-year-old and a 46-year-old living a fully functional life together, happily ever after. However, there is one big mountain standing in the way of your happily ever after if you eventually want kids and he doesn't. You may not see it now, but one day, if you truly want kids and he refuses, there will be trouble in paradise....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> I used birth control. So stop blaming me.
> 
> I wouldn't abort for him. If I weren't with him and any random guy I'd have aborted long time ago. I just really wanted a family with him.
> and actually him oroviding financially would be enough for me to even hire help I've considered hiring a nanny like fulltime so maybe I could have life as it was. Idk though if that's a good or bad idea. I just don't want to lose what I have but yea............


:lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Are you for real? hiring a full time nanny so life will be the same as it was?? life will NEVER be the same as it was.

I can tell that you truly are 19. Pretty selfish and only concerned about the man you are with so he doesn't leave you. No concern for this child.

Please consider adoption. There are SO MANY families to want to raise children as their own and not hand them over to a nanny.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I am sorry, but I just have to say this;
> 
> You say you want kids. How can you say you want kids and then abort the one you are carrying?


This isn't like a new concept or anything.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> IMO I think any advice people give you will more than likely fall of deaf ears. I think you have your mind made up.
> 
> You are 19 and say its love and you know its the real thing. I remember those days too, when I thought things were the real thing. Looking back now at 19 I didn't know squat. I don't know to many 19 yr olds who do.


I actually was listening to what you have to say and most of it is you don't know anything because you're 19 so a lot of prejudiceness. You don't know me or my relationship yet you seem to think you do just because of numbers


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> :lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> Are you for real? hiring a full time nanny so life will be the same as it was?? life will NEVER be the same as it was.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Pretty sad that you would rather that child be "raised" by a nanny than give it to a struggling *couple* that would love it and raise it....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This isn't like a new concept or anything.


Not a new concept, but pretty horrible just the same...


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

not so he doesn't leave me. So I don't leave him I fear in 10 years he won't be able to give me kids and I don't want to leave him for that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

All 19 year olds say older people don't know anything.

Then they turn 30 one day and say, "Those 19 year olds don't know anything" :lol:

I was 19 once and knew everything too. Now I'm 35 and look back and see I didn't know squat.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> you don't know anything because you're 19 so a lot of prejudiceness. You don't know me or my relationship yet you seem to think you do just because of numbers


No, but we've been there, done that and felt the same way at the time that you do now...and now we know better. But like I said before, maybe you are lucky and your relationship will be one that works....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Not a new concept, but pretty horrible just the same...


I disagree.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You will leave him one day. he will only be getting older. More tired, more health issues...I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I'm old (35) and am hitting that point where I'm just content to be home and hang out. thankfully my younger husband is the same.

It's not the age, it's the attitude and the maturity. To see that you would just leave the kid with a nanny full time so you can have life "the same as it was" just really bothers me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> not so he doesn't leave me. So I don't leave him I fear in 10 years he won't be able to give me kids and I don't want to leave him for that.


In 10 years (if you are even together, which honestly, your odds ain't good), he will be nearly 60. You will be in your prime at 29. 

So you are saying that you'd rather have a family with him now w/ no certainty fo ryour future instead of waiting a few more years in which he may or may not be with you?

HUH?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> To see that you would just leave the kid with a nanny full time so you can have life "the same as it was" just really bothers me.


She's only 19. She has no idea/cannot fathom what this means. 

OP--even five years from now you're gonna look back and think WTF.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I disagree.


I'm sure you do


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She's only 19. She has no idea/cannot fathom what this means.
> 
> OP--even five years from now you're gonna look back and think WTF.


One of my best friends is 22 with 4 kids and would never have said she'd just hire a full time nanny so life could be the same :lol: She's married and more mature than some friends of mine in their 30s.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She's only 19. She has no idea/cannot fathom what this means.


Oh please I was pregnant at 20 and I wasn't stupid, and neither is she, she knows what it means. She just sees that celebrities and rich people do it all the time, it's big in the media, so it must be ok....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I'm sure you do


And that's the beauty of America. We can agree, disagree and all that stuff.

It doesn't really matter. If you don't like abortions, don't have one.

This OP wants children someday...but was contemplating abortion of this one. Not hard to understand. It's her choice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I'm sure you do


And you really mean to say what, exactly? 

You can come right out if you have something to say to me. 



that_girl said:


> And that's the beauty of America. We can agree, disagree and all that stuff.
> 
> It doesn't really matter. If you don't like abortions, don't have one.
> 
> This OP wants children someday...but was contemplating abortion of this one. Not hard to understand. It's her choice.


Word. Up.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And that's the beauty of America. We can agree, disagree and all that stuff.
> 
> It doesn't really matter. If you don't like abortions, don't have one.
> 
> This OP wants children someday...but was contemplating abortion of this one. Not hard to understand. It's her choice.


Hey I'm fine with people disagreeing with me, opinions are like a$$holes, everyone's got one! My point is that I think it's dumb if you know you want kids, which means you obviously like kids, it's dumb to abort one then go on a couple years later and have some...it's like oh I'll keep this one, timing was better...that's why there is adoption....but that's just MO I know not everyone agrees so we'll leave it at that.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And you really mean to say what, exactly?
> 
> You can come right out if you have something to say to me.


Trust me I have no prob coming out and saying what I think of people, however this isn't the forum to get into that discussion


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> No, but we've been there, done that and felt the same way at the time that you do now...and now we know better. But like I said before, maybe you are lucky and your relationship will be one that works....


no you haven't I'm an individual not a number.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Hey I'm fine with people disagreeing with me, opinions are like a$$holes, everyone's got one! My point is that I think it's dumb if you know you want kids, which means you obviously like kids, it's dumb to abort one then go on a couple years later and have some...it's like oh I'll keep this one, timing was better...that's why there is adoption....but that's just MO I know not everyone agrees so we'll leave it at that.


Well, this is very off topic but how is it dumb?

Surely in a few years, the OP may be in a better situation to bring a child into the world...waiting to have children is never stupid...unless you wait too long and cannot get pregnant. 

I am pro-choice, however, i don't agree with abortions, FOR ME. I have had two babies in my life--- both unplanned and both worked out great. No regrets. 

Why even make a big deal about this at all? What harm is it to you if she aborts a child now and has another in 5 years? Do you feel that everyone should have children young, because you did? I had my first at 22, and while I don't agree with abortion, i will say that it was too young, FOR ME. I should have waited. I didn't, and now have a beautiful 12 year old  

Not everyone feels that going through a pregnancy is a good thing at a young age, or a place in life where it's not feasible. ESPECIALLY if they were using birth control...that's a major disappointment because you trust it will work if you use it (although most people don't use it correctly). 

So, the OP wants kids, just not RIGHT NOW. That's why adoption would be a great option for her. I have 3 friends who cannot get pregnant. ALL would make great mother/fathers for a baby...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> no you haven't I'm an individual not a number.


I said that often at your age. lol.

We're not busting your balls, we just want you to open your eyes and see passed the moment you're in.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, this is very off topic but how is it dumb?
> 
> Surely in a few years, the OP may be in a better situation to bring a child into the world...waiting to have children is never stupid...unless you wait too long and cannot get pregnant.
> 
> ...


I just said it's my opinion that's all. If you would like me to explain further I will gladly pm you, but I don't want to get into all my beliefs, your beliefs and whoever's beliefs on abortion in this thread.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I just said it's my opinion that's all. If you would like me to explain further I will gladly pm you, but I don't want to get into all my beliefs, your beliefs and whoever's beliefs on abortion in this thread.


No PMs, thanks 

You started the thoughts about abortion and beliefs though :scratchhead: But no, I don't need a PM about how your beliefs are right.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> no you haven't I'm an individual not a number.


Dude I am not even saying that...did you forget to read the part that said maybe you will be lucky and it will work for you?? Geez I think deep down inside you know it's not going to work and you're going around and around with us trying to justify it to yourself....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Dude I am not even saying that...did you forget to read the part that said maybe you will be lucky and it will work for you?? Geez I think deep down inside you know it's not going to work and you're going around and around with us trying to justify it to yourself....


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Trust me I have no prob coming out and saying what I think of people, however this isn't the forum to get into that discussion


:rofl:

Well in the future if you have no prob coming out and saying what you think of people, why not say what you mean instead of making little digging comments. 



Chelle D said:


> If you can, talk to your family about it. (not meaning his family). Will they be there to help you out incase this relationship does not go they way you want it to?


A very good question.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> No PMs, thanks
> 
> You started the thoughts about abortion and beliefs though :scratchhead: But no, I don't need a PM about how your beliefs are right.


But, but... can I PM you, TG?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> But, but... can I PM you, TG?


 Duh.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> No PMs, thanks
> 
> You started the thoughts about abortion and beliefs though :scratchhead: But no, I don't need a PM about how your beliefs are right.


Kinda sucks that no matter how much I say, *just my opinion* you would still say I would PM you about how *my beliefs are right*....as I said in an earlier post, everyone's got their opinions did I not? :scratchhead: And abortion was mentioned before I ever said it.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> In 10 years (if you are even together, which honestly, your odds ain't good), he will be nearly 60. You will be in your prime at 29.
> 
> So you are saying that you'd rather have a family with him now w/ no certainty fo ryour future instead of waiting a few more years in which he may or may not be with you?
> 
> HUH?


he will be with me I can bet by then we'll be married.. He is exactly me in personality just different people. It's 
just like I said in 5 years he won't be able to have kids because of the vasectomy and I feel like then I'll want to move on because he wouldn't be able to give me what I need.

I don't really get why some of you are focused on this pregnancy. I have no connection to it at all. It isn't what makes me happy or anything. My bf makes my world so much brighter my career is my life and future my friends are aopart of my past present and future. That's what matters to me and that's what I worry about it's not what I'm carrying.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So have your opinion, but her opinion is she wants kids and is thinking of having an abortion and you called that opinion DUMB. 


I'm done talking to you. Thanks.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> I don't really get why some of you are focused on this pregnancy. I have no connection to it at all. It isn't what makes me happy or anything. My bf makes my world so much brighter my career is my life and future my friends are aopart of my past present and future. That's what matters to me and that's what I worry about it's not what I'm carrying.


Um well that answers the question about what you should do with the baby...


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no I'm not like the typical 19 year old I got rid of them long time ago I'd talk to my friends about it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Duh.


Sweet. It's on!

Justagirl....I don't envy your position. It's clear this man did not want to have a child (but hello, it takes two to tango) and it's clear he doesn't want them in the future. 

If you stay with him, whether you have a child now or not, he and you do not want the same things in the future if you want to have more children or any children (if you decide against having one now).

Just be prepared that no matter what happens now, what you decide, he may not be around later. That is a fact of life. No guarantees, sugar.

You saying you have "no connection to it" says it all, dear. You are not ready for any of this. 
I know you say he will marry you and be with you, but there truly are NO guarantees in life. 

Youare still young and prob can't fathom not being with him but alas, the odds are greatly stacked against you.

Can I ask: how long have you been with this man? How did you meet him? Does your family know him? Do you live together? Has he brought up marriage before?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> he will be with me I can bet by then we'll be married.. He is exactly me in personality just different people. It's
> just like I said in 5 years he won't be able to have kids because of the vasectomy and I feel like then I'll want to move on because he wouldn't be able to give me what I need.
> 
> I don't really get why some of you are focused on this pregnancy. I have no connection to it at all. It isn't what makes me happy or anything. My bf makes my world so much brighter my career is my life and future my friends are aopart of my past present and future. That's what matters to me and that's what I worry about it's not what I'm carrying.


Then please, do what's best for this child,whatever that may be. You could still be in shock but to have a child who isn't wanted and to make that child know he/she isn't wanted is not in the child's best interest.

That seems odd to me that you dont' care about the pregnancy, but want children with this man in the future. Maybe that's what greeneyes meant...

I honestly don't think you'll be married, as he's 46 and single...that's for a reason...but hell, stranger things have happened.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

and about the nanny I just was trying to get the best of both worlds really.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

She never said she was thinking of having an abortion, she said she now knows that's what she should have done....other people are the ones that started saying abortion crap, I just agreed..


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

he's divorced a 7 years ago. Was in a relationship for 18 years 17 of those married.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been dating him? Do you live with him? Has your family met him? Have you been to his house?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> and about the nanny I just was trying to get the best of both worlds really.


And it truly showed your naivety of the situation. 

You have no connection to the pregnancy...I didn't either with my first until i felt her moving. 

I don't know the answers for you, but I hope you make the right choice, for that child and yourself.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> he's divorced a 7 years ago. Was in a relationship for 18 years 17 of those married.


You know what, you go for it. I know relationships aren't built like they used to be, but my grandparents were about 20 years apart and were in love like crazy until the day my grandpa died. I guess in the messed up dishonest world we live in today we forget what's really possible when you love someone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait, my bad. I see at the top where you said it's an 11-month relationship.

Where did you meet him?


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sweet. It's on!
> 
> Justagirl....I don't envy your position. It's clear this man did not want to have a child (but hello, it takes two to tango) and it's clear he doesn't want them in the future.
> 
> ...


11 months at my job no my family doesn't even know me. I have seen my extended family since I was 14 irl. My friends know him well. We've lived together since october and in september we started talking about marriage so yea.....

I just naturally wanted them in the future. I don't have a strong desire now but when the time comes idk how I'll feel. Btw I wouldn't expect to be ready until 27 because I'll still be in school for a while....


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And it truly showed your naivety of the situation.
> 
> You have no connection to the pregnancy...I didn't either with my first until i felt her moving.
> 
> I don't know the answers for you, but I hope you make the right choice, for that child and yourself.


I guess nobody's found this issue within their relationship.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> The reason I asked the question is this;
> 
> He was married for 17 years and did not have children. If you are okay with not having children then by all means, stay. However, I don't believe that is the case. You at least need to sit down and talk with him about children. Let him know that you do someday want them and want to know if he would be open to that.
> 
> Him saying he will support you financially is not saying he is okay with being a father to this child or being a father to any children in the future. It is saying he is owning and accepting his mistake of getting you pregnant.


yea I get what you're saying. I know he doesn't want me to ever get pregnant with his child. He's said that before. I guess it's the whole reason I keep pressuring myself to keep it because I know he'll never allow this to ever happen again but yea....


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

justagirl11 said:


> he will be with me I can bet by then we'll be married.. He is exactly me in personality just different people. It's
> just like I said in 5 years he won't be able to have kids because of the vasectomy and I feel like then I'll want to move on because he wouldn't be able to give me what I need.


If this man is your equal when you're 18 and he's 45, why would you assume you'll still be equals in five to ten years? You have SO much growing to do and he seems to be stunted. I can't imagine an emotionally mature, stable, 45 year old man being with a girl who's barely legal. Furthermore, you have differing ideas on what constitutes a family. He doesn't want children and that's just fine. Keeping or aborting this pregnancy is up to you, but even if you decide to have this child, you must not count on having another. If that's a deal breaker for you, stop wasting your time and find someone better suited for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> yea I get what you're saying. I know he doesn't want me to ever get pregnant with his child. He's said that before. I guess it's the whole reason I keep pressuring myself to keep it because I know he'll never allow this to ever happen again but yea....


Please listen to him when he tells you who he is.

you cannot change him or expect him to change his mind. He doesn't want children, you do- someday.

that right there shows that this relationship won't last.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you do decide to keep the baby, be ready for him to leave you. Be ready to be a single mom at 20. Be ready to resent him and blame him for not being there for you and child. This is reality. He has clearly stated he doesn't want children. Keeping the baby probably won't turn him into father of the year.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'll try to avoid the abortion issue... I'm a 44 year old guy, btw.

At 46, if he hasn't had kids yet and wants to get a vasectomy after you getting pregnant, he doesn't want kids. So you need to decide whether you can live with that. not just now, but in the future. Because his desire to have kids later is likely not going to increase.

At 46, your sex drive will be throttling up over the next 20 years (or more) as his drops. Are you prepared for that?

At 46, he'll be looking at retirement when you're in the prime of your career. 

Personally, I just don't see the future in your relationship. But as others have said, maybe you'll be the one relationship that makes it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'll try to avoid the abortion issue... I'm a 44 year old guy, btw.
> 
> At 46, if he hasn't had kids yet and wants to get a vasectomy after you getting pregnant, he doesn't want kids. So you need to decide whether you can live with that. not just now, but in the future. Because his desire to have kids later is likely not going to increase.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I would actually not mind if I just had one child. I don't think he'd leave if things were the same for him. I just more worry about myself but I have considered other things to do that for some reason you don't like.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Things WON'T be the same for him. He's going to be a father. Babies make noise. They make messes. They change plans. They get sick at midnight. 

If you think you can keep his life the same, that's pretty delusional and will put too much pressure on you to keep the baby "perfect".


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'll try to avoid the abortion issue... I'm a 44 year old guy, btw.
> 
> At 46, if he hasn't had kids yet and wants to get a vasectomy after you getting pregnant, he doesn't want kids. So you need to decide whether you can live with that. not just now, but in the future. Because his desire to have kids later is likely not going to increase.
> 
> ...


sometimes I fear I can't live with that if we never had kids.
he has a good 20 years til retirement. He's said he may retire early. I'd support his choice either way. And if you haven't noticed I'm asexual reason I didn't have sex with him so long I don't like men sexually it wouldn't matter his sexual abilities.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, if you do get married, just bookmark this site. I suspect it will be useful in say, 3 to 5 years.

One thing I thought was interesting, though... Other posters were mentioning this guy as being a father figure for you, and you saying that he couldn't be, because he wasn't as you would imagine your real father to be, and not even the right race. I'm not a therapist, but I don't think either of those things are a factor as far as him being a father figure to you. Your statement also shows that you had limited involvement with your father, which would possibly explain why you're looking for one now. Have you ever done any councilling or therapy? And I'm not saying that to be cruel or mean. But there's a lot of red flags in your posts.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

yea we have a big home we probably wouldn't hear it. Idk I'm thinking like you said you disagree with some of the things I've said I think maybe talking about it what I was considering does nothing idk.....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You wouldn't hear the baby in your big home?

Are you going to keep it in a closet somewhere?

Geez. You're in for a shock if you keep this baby.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no don't even try it my dad died before I was born I never felt anything like I needed a dad. Or mom for that matter I hate my mom if I had two parents I don't think I'd have made it to 19 free from prison. Because I don't like authority. I could control my mom from controlling me but if I had a dad I'd have had hell on my hands because I'd completely have been overcome by their parental control. I've been to counseling I find it annoying that people would think I'd miss someone I never met. I never missed him or ated him. I love him more than I love my mom. 
and no that's just my sexual orientation. I have a very hot body learn to understand people identify differently. I just never wanted anything from a guy until I met him. He's been my best of friend the best lover I've ever had the best person I run to when things are tough. Love is further than skin deep further than sex. Further than trivial stuff to me. It just is....


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no we have several rooms in the estate. We could be in one wing while the baby has quite enough room for itself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> no we have several rooms in the estate. We could be in one wing while the baby has quite enough room for itself.


:rofl::rofl:

I think you are a troll. I'm sorry. Your story is just too much.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I got a troll vibe when it wrote this, TG:

_"yea we have a big home we probably wouldn't hear it."_

Ooookay.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

well I know it sounds odd but that's because you said not to talk about the whole help with the nanny so I didn't say anything further on it.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

nanny*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So, if your story is true....IF....then you just like him for his money! Makes sense now. He has a house that has "wings" and help and nannies.

Now it makes sense.

But I don't believe it. lol. :rofl:


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> no we have several rooms in the estate. We could be in one wing while the baby has quite enough room for itself.


:wtf: Are you for real????


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What a sad life for a child! Daddy doesn't want it, mommy wants only to be with daddy, raised by nannies and kept away from parents.

:rofl: This sounds like a bad movie...


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I already said he had a good career. He's nowhere near middle class. If you didn't catch that you really didn't read it well.
his money had nothing to do with it there were plenty of guys who had money at my job I didn't want anything from them. I'm not a golddigger.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

ok nvm that's why I didn't want to talk about because all you'll do is bash me...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> I already said he had a good career. He's nowhere near middle class. If you didn't catch that you really didn't read it well.
> his money had nothing to do with it there were plenty of guys who had money at my job I didn't want anything from them. I'm not a golddigger.


I'm saying wtf to you acting like you and him being in one "wing" of the house and the baby in the other is acceptable.....like wtf that's really cool with you??? Just cuz you didn't have a mom or dad and that was right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone...(I am not bashing your mom or dad, I know you said your dad died, I'm sorry for that)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one is bashing. Your story is just not adding up and it's pretty scary to think someone would have a child just to hide it away from its father so not to upset him. but hey, it's not my life. Continue to live in your delusional fog.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> What a sad life for a child! Daddy doesn't want it, mommy wants only to be with daddy, raised by nannies and kept away from parents.
> 
> :rofl: This sounds like a bad movie...


Or it could be the next big hit on MTv!!

:smthumbup:


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I'm saying wtf to you acting like you and him being in one "wing" of the house and the baby in the other is acceptable.....like wtf that's really cool with you??? Just cuz you didn't have a mom or dad and that was right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone...(I am not bashing your mom or dad, I know you said your dad died, I'm sorry for that)


well plenty of people have night nannies it's not that big of a deal. And please don't say sorry to me for my dad's death I never mourned him more my mom did or my grandma did sorry to them not me.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Is the west wing forbidden? Just wondering.

I'm finding it hard to believe you at this point as well. What sane person would consider leaving their infant anywhere that's not quickly accessible? You can't be THAT dense. I refuse to believe it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> well plenty of people have night nannies it's not that big of a deal. And please don't say sorry to me for my dad's death I never mourned him more my mom did or my grandma did sorry to them not me.


Ok now I believe you are trolling because I was being nice, I don't know your situation as far as that's concerned, just being respectful of you and letting you know I wasn't bashing your dad, and you make an a$$hole response....good luck


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Is the west wing forbidden? Just wondering.
> 
> I'm finding it hard to believe you at this point as well. What sane person would consider leaving their infant anywhere that's not quickly accessible? You can't be THAT dense. I refuse to believe it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Is the west wing forbidden? Just wondering.


:lol::lol::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> No one is bashing. Your story is just not adding up and it's pretty scary to think someone would have a child just to hide it away from its father so not to upset him. but hey, it's not my life. Continue to live in your delusional fog.


If it doesn't make sense to you explain

because I already said neither of us couldn't handle everything without help. It wouldn't be for him it would be for us both. 
I don't do a lot for him that I disagree with it's perfect because usually we agree on things.
I was just considering it but you just keep on making childish statements... Go figure.

also you must be dense or maybe downright very poor to not understand that's where the nanny would be at night with the baby.

and if anyone I think you're trolling. You're the one calling me names because you want to tell me how to raise my kid. H9e your own don't tell me how to raise my own child.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> If it doesn't make sense to explain
> 
> because I already said neither of us couldn't handle everything without help. It wouldn't be for him it would be for us both.
> I don't do a lot for him that I disagree with it's perfect because usually we agree on things.
> I was just considering it but you just keep on making childish statements... Go figure.


Just because the truth isn't something you want to hear doesn't mean it's childish. 

But good luck! Hope you make a decision soon.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no you're bashing me for considering a nanny.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> no you're bashing me for considering a nanny.


Not bashing. Just trying to understand why you would even want a child if you're not going to raise it. parenthood isn't just about the good times and showing the kid off. It's not a puppy.

But I'm done in here, as I don't think you are for real.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

no you didn't say the truth you pretend it's inherently wrong to have a night nanny I bet you'd say my mom was terrible for being miles away while I was very young at night with a sitter. That's all I said about it was while we sleep a nanny could take care of him/her you act like it's any more terrible when it isn't.....

you guys seem to have short term memory you forget I am not even 19 yet and go to college and have a lot other things to do besides raising a baby. You forget completely just a second ago we talked about if I had no kids I don't think I could stay with him so of course I'd keep this one what other choice do I have really if I want things to work. So in 9 years I won't feel like something is missing. Someone said if I wanted to have his baby I have to keep this and there's a lot validity to that statement. That's why I'd want to keep it. I have my life you have yours... You may not agree but I have my own choices to make. I can't help that you have short term memory.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> I actually was listening to what you have to say and most of it is you don't know anything because you're 19 so a lot of prejudiceness. You don't know me or my relationship yet you seem to think you do just because of numbers


HUH?:scratchhead: Where did you get I was 19? I'm actually way older than you, closer to your mans age. I was saying I remembered what it used to be like when I was 19 yrs old...please read better.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

who said it was to raise my child I never did. I have to go to school. I need a sitter in the day anyway. My bf has a demanding job. He has a lot of financial support to do this so why is that wrong??


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

what's the point to get a night nanny if it's gunna keep you up all night of course it would be in another area with the nanny at night


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> HUH?:scratchhead: Where did you get I was 19? I'm actually way older than you, closer to your mans age. I was saying I remembered what it used to be like when I was 19 yrs old...please read better.


no that's what you guys were saying to me who cares anyway doesn't matter


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

justagirl11 said:


> I don't really get why some of you are focused on this pregnancy. I have no connection to it at all. It isn't what makes me happy or anything. My bf makes my world That's what matters to me and that's what I worry about it's not what I'm carrying.


What was your original question to this thread? Were you wanting to know what to do about the pregnancy? What to do about your 46 yr old b/f? Or were you looking for validation on what has happened? 

It seems nothing anyone has said matters to you. You have been given some helpful advice IMO. I do not think you will take any of it or even consider it. You are hell bent on remaining with this man. The pregnancy is very sad. You don't even want the child so even if you bring it into the world and keep it, what kind of life do you think you will provide for a child that is not wanted? I'm not meaning financially either. Your b/f isn't going to want it either, its sad.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

justagirl11 said:


> what's the point to get a night nanny if it's gunna keep you up all night of course it would be in another area with the nanny at night


"It", huh?

Please don't keep this child. If you decide to do so, take a few classes on child psychology as well as infant development. Familiarize yourself with symptoms of neglect in infants and children. Hopefully when the nanny and your child visit from the other wing you'll be able to gauge how well she's raising your child. 

I understand having a nanny for help, but it sounds like you're interested in the title of mother compared to actually being one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't feed the troll, guys.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

The word "sugar daddy" comes to mind.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I'm ****ing 19 obviously I don't want a kid.

and fulltime is 8 hours a day... Probably more since I go to school which takes up time.


I'm 7 weeks pregnant I don't know if it's a boy or a girl.

I don't know what to do. I was hoping I'd somehow talk it out and figure out everytime people would say he's never going to want kids with me and I think of it and I realize I don't really want that. I want when I'm ready to be satisfied that I don't have to want to have kids because I'd already have one. So yea....


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

justagirl11 said:


> I'm ****ing 19 obviously I don't want a kid.
> 
> .


Have the child and give it up for adoption then, so you and your man can live happily ever after.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

w.e. If he were a sugardaddy I'd be withanother guy wo had more money. Relationships aren't about money looks sex etc it's about the soul. Once I found a match I couldn't deny it......


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

justagirl11 said:


> w.e. If he were a sugardaddy I'd be withanother guy wo had more money. Relationships aren't about money looks sex etc it's about the soul. Once I found a match I couldn't deny it......


He is 46, he is more than likely using you for sex. 46 and 19 have nothing in common, sorry. 

Also a 46 year old has been around the block a time or two enough to know exactly all the right things to say that a 19 yr old would want to hear, as long as sex is in it for him.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

ange5112 I am confused and just wanted to figure what to do by pretty much writing out my feelings. You just judged me because you disagree. I've done nothing but say I was doing all you did was attack.
bottom line is he doesnt want kids in the future and that forces me to want the only one I have.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I've said this before we didn't have sex until last month we've been together almost 11mo. @trey


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I will say it again. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice.


I read it wrong apparently but what do you mean?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

justagirl11 said:


> I've said this before we didn't have sex until last month we've been together almost 11mo. @trey


And? You think because he waited it means he wont or isn't using you? Naive to the 5th power. 

BTW, if you want kids in the future and he doesn't, you are with the wrong person.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Its probably best to ask a professionals opinion on the matter. A therapist. Someone who knows what they are talking about, because obviously none of us do.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Its probably best to ask a professionals opinion on the matter. A therapist. Someone who knows what they are talking about, because obviously none of us do.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

we have an appointment for us both in counselling next week. But I guess I wanted to have an idea on what we were going to do.... At least I can sum it up...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> we have an appointment for us both in counselling next week. But I guess I wanted to have an idea on what we were going to do.... At least I can sum it up...


10 pages later and you're just now saying this?

Anyway, why do you both need to go? What are you planning on discussing in the counseling session?


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

I think from experience our compatibility makes it easy to make our relationship work. I don't know in hard times it takes work to make it work but I'd have no desire to if there was no compatibility.... Idk maybe it's just a different stage of relationship than you know.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> 10 pages later and you're just now saying this?
> 
> Anyway, why do you both need to go? What are you planning on discussing in the counseling session?


well we want to try and see if our issues with parenting maybe can be mendable. Like about my bf not thinking he'd be a good dad. Etc.. It may or may not work.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

justagirl11 said:


> well we want to try and see if our issues with parenting maybe can be mendable. Like about my bf not thinking he'd be a good dad. Etc.. It may or may not work.


Well, if he doesn't want kids anyway which he had already told you, its not likely to work anyway.


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## justagirl11 (Dec 28, 2011)

who knows... He said he doesn't want kids but he'l try what he can with this one.... I wanted to update and say I decided to terminate. I decided I can do without kids in the future and we're now newly-weds and enjoying every moment of it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I am pro life, but i do believe it is everyone choice to make their own decisions on life changing events like having a child.

I will tell you.. I got pregnant at 15 and had my son 4 months before my 16th birthday.. My life changed, I was now responsible for another life, other then my own... If i said it was easy i would be lying, but I did it at 15 years old. (he is now almost 18) Men will come and go but your child will always be there.

I never thought I could ever love anyone as much as I loved my son..

You have bigger things to think about other then your relationship right now. You have to think about the baby in your belly.

I do agree with the others... He will not change his mind about wanting children.. He is 46 his mind is already made up and you can not change him...

I got married when i was 19. I am now 33. I was nieve at 19.


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