# Question regarding sex after divorce (question geared towards men)



## typewittyusernamehere (Feb 12, 2011)

I am newly divorced, (not by my choice) I am a stander for restoration of my marriage. (WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries) My husband has no interest in reconciliation, but he knows how much I still love him, and want to reconcile. Our sex life is better now than it has ever been. I am intimate with him because I love him, and want to feel close to him. (he knows this, as I tell him often) I guess my question is, can someone who has been with someone for ten years, be intimate, and have no feelings toward that person. I am also wondering about his motives. I guess more forward, *Guys, can you have sex with an ex with whom you've been with for over 10 years with no feelings?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

typewittyusernamehere said:


> I am newly divorced, (not by my choice) I am a stander for restoration of my marriage. (WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries) My husband has no interest in reconciliation, but he knows how much I still love him, and want to reconcile. Our sex life is better now than it has ever been. I am intimate with him because I love him, and want to feel close to him. (he knows this, as I tell him often) I guess my question is, can someone who has been with someone for ten years, be intimate, and have no feelings toward that person. I am also wondering about his motives. I guess more forward, *Guys, can you have sex with an ex with whom you've been with for over 10 years with no feelings?


Men are much more able to detach from the sex act than women.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I don't know , my H says he stopped having sex with me cause it makes him sick to his stomach cause I had a one night stand 14 years go ! So I don't get it, we had sex all the time up to about a few years ago. We even have another child after that time. We actually had great sex for a while after that happen . We seem to go through phases where we would have great sex and then nothing. 

Now that our marriage is over cause he says it is , I make his stomach sick when we had sex cause of what I did 14 years ago.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

typewittyusernamehere said:


> I am newly divorced, (not by my choice) I am a stander for restoration of my marriage. (WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries) My husband has no interest in reconciliation, but he knows how much I still love him, and want to reconcile. Our sex life is better now than it has ever been. I am intimate with him because I love him, and want to feel close to him. (he knows this, as I tell him often) I guess my question is, can someone who has been with someone for ten years, be intimate, and have no feelings toward that person. I am also wondering about his motives. I guess more forward, *Guys, can you have sex with an ex with whom you've been with for over 10 years with no feelings?


Feelings can be attached to the act, the moment, or the memories of another time in the relationship ... so the short answer is, yes you can still be intimate. And yes, you should be wondering about his motives.

If you are still having sex with him, possibly even more frequent, and 'better' sex ... than what motivation would he have to actually try to work on and repair the framework of the marriage outside of the bedroom?


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## typewittyusernamehere (Feb 12, 2011)

thank-you so much for your responses. I appreciate that you took the time to read, and give some advice. I guess I just find it hard to believe that someone who I have been with for so long is able to be intimate with me with no feelings involved. Especially knowing that he knows how I feel. He also knows that I am not on BC. From a mans perspective, would you be intimate with a woman, saying you don't want a relationship with her, but knowing she is not on BC, and although it's a small risk of pregnancy (20%) it's still a risk.....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Look at it from his perspective: he's getting sex and even a child possibly, without having to be married or otherwise committed to you. 

If you want MARRIAGE, then stop what you are doing and insist on going back to counseling together. Goodness, he does not have to marry you if you get pregnant. He could also be having sex with other women and you could get an STD. Take better care of yourself! Use condoms at the VERY least, b/c bcpills won't give you any protection from STDs. 

He has the best of both worlds. He's really taking advantage of you, IMHO. What on earth is there to love or respect about someone who will treat you so badly? Please consider counseling to work on your self esteem b/c you are LETTING him use you on his own terms.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Are you using sex in the hopes that he'll return to you? If so, it's not likely going to work. He's just got the best of both worlds.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Why did he divorce you?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jaded Heart said:


> I don't know , my H says he stopped having sex with me cause it makes him sick to his stomach cause I had a one night stand 14 years go ! So I don't get it, we had sex all the time up to about a few years ago. We even have another child after that time. We actually had great sex for a while after that happen . We seem to go through phases where we would have great sex and then nothing.
> 
> Now that our marriage is over cause he says it is , I make his stomach sick when we had sex cause of what I did 14 years ago.


Believe him. He is vacilating between love and disgust.

Not trying to zing you, but believe him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## typewittyusernamehere (Feb 12, 2011)

major misfit, no I am not using sex in hopes of his return. I do it, because (as pathetic as it sounds) to be close to him. I love and miss him very much, I miss our family. && I know I am probably going to get booed and hissed at for this one, but I feel if I am intimate with him, he wont go looking for it somewhere else, but mostly it's because I miss him dearly, and it's the only time I can hug, kiss and be close to him. 

bluesky, he divorced me because I wasn't the wife I should have been. I got very depressed, was miserable with myself, and in return acted miserable. His mother moving in didn't help the situation at all either. He wasn't an angel, but I guess you can say, times got rough, and he bailed.


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## typewittyusernamehere (Feb 12, 2011)

sisters359, I do know for a fact that he has not been with anyone else, nor is he looking. I have been ridiculously clear that if he does choose to be intimate with someone else, he is to let me know, and not even attempt to be intimate with me. I do believe in my heart that he respects that, and would tell me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Witty... COULD I have sex with my soon-to-be ex with no feelings? Yes, I think I could. WOULD I have sex with her? No, I wouldn't. Because I do care about her as a person and don't want to send a very wrong signal that leads her to believe things are fixable or improving. 

But I could easily see that someone wouldn't care about sending that signal, or wouldn't think about that impact. Not that I'm a better person or anything, but I could see that happening.

Personally, I think you're better off cutting off the intimacy until you're reconciled. The ONLY reason I can think of for doing that is if one of the primary complaints with the break up was that the level of physical intimacy wasn't enough, and you wanted to show him that you had changed. Other than that, the more things you demonstrate he'll be giving up by separating/divorcing, the better off you'll be.

C


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

typewittyusernamehere said:


> *Guys, can you have sex with an ex with whom you've been with for over 10 years with no feelings?


Me personally? I don't do casual sex. _eeeewwwwwwwww_

I can't imagine having sex with any ex of mine. If we are divorced then either I didn't find her a suitable partner or she didn't fine me one. Either way, my bits are not going in her bits... ewwwwwww


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm sorry! I seriously don't believe that I could ever bring myself to do it. Taking into exception the unexplained hurt and at a minimum, the perceived infidelity, it would be difficult if not downright impossible.

I would worry greatly about the awkwardness as well as the possibility of false signals being conveyed both ways, that go along with such an act. I would also be gravely concerned about the presence of STD's.

I would much rather just leave those memories of sex with my ex, be they good, bad, or indifferent, as strictly that: memories!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

And over a year later...Dead Thread Revivers are successful yet again!

Just bustin ya ballz.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh dear gawd


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sure answer is obviously yes. 

Men could even have sex with someone they did not particularly like. It's like asking a woman, could you smile and flatter your boss, if you thought he was incompetent. T

hat said, hopefully men would realize that playing with a woman's emotions is wrong, but that would change the fact that it is physically satisfying.


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