# Will I ever be enough for my husband



## love? (Sep 3, 2014)

Me and my husband will be married for almost 3 years a week after we got married I found out he's addicted to porn. We already tried counseling but he doesn't think it's a problem but to me it is because he rather watch porn and masturbate than to be with me and I'm tired of our porn-like sex. I'm 26 and he's 31 we love each other but it's taking a lot from me to just suck it up. Please anything you can say will help


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to clarify something. Are you saying that he's not having sex with you and instead he's using porn to get his own sexual satisfaction?

Or..

Are you satisfied with your sex life with him, but his use of porn still bother you?

Did the two of you discuss porn before marriage? If so what was discussed and agreed upon?


What about your sex life is porn-like?


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

love? said:


> Me and my husband will be married for almost 3 years a week after we got married I found out he's addicted to porn. We already tried counseling but he doesn't think it's a problem but to me it is because he rather watch porn and masturbate than to be with me and I'm tired of our porn-like sex. I'm 26 and he's 31 we love each other but it's taking a lot from me to just suck it up. Please anything you can say will help


My exH was addicted to porn. He wouldn't bother covering tracks either...it was disgusting and embarassing to me, and brought on a lot of shame and confidence issues/added to my inferiority complex. It would get to the point where he would want to watch DURING or "pretend" all.the.time and I couldn't take the shame (this is NOT why we divorced...he cheated at least twice while in the military).

Question: are there children involved? Is he open to discussing this? How serious are you about this (is this a dealbreaker)?

I personally don't have a problem with masturbation if one partner needs MORE sex than another (like a HD/LD mismatch), but (personally) if masturbation is an avoidance or used in place of sex with a willing partner, that's not OK. There's plenty on here who share porn with their spouses as mutually pleasurable. I will NEVER abide that. To me porn is DISGUSTING. I personally think porn and the whole industry is a symbol of the degeneration of our society morally/ethically, but I acknowledge that's ME. 


If this is you, your H needs to know you're serious. Like dropping D papers serious if he doesn't stop. If you've asked him to stop and seek help, and you're willing and able to accomodate him sexually, a decision needs to be reached that respects that OR it's time to go. There's prolly people who are scoffing at this, potentially, but it's crushing to feel trapped in a relationship where you're second fiddle to the "best g**** h*** compilation," etc. and you MUST bring calamity to his face for him to see you're serious. 

best of luck...I empathize with you...


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Many experts say that porn can be extremely addicting and destructive to a marriage. I agree. Some or many here at TAM do not feel this way. Whatever the truth is you will probably need professional counsel. I advise you to seek it. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Till love? comes back and gives us more info, there really is not a lot of help we can give.


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## love? (Sep 3, 2014)

Porn was never a topic I never knew he even liked watching and as bad as it sounds I had never watched a porn movie before we married so he hid this well from me. I've been going through so many stages like depression, confidence issues and so on. I turn him on but not to the level of explosion like porn does for him. Our sex life is just like a porn movie same steps and everything you know how the girl on a porn movie acts like it's all about the guys penis and she gets no caressing or anything that's how we have sex also he has admited that vagina is not he's drive it's just oral sex that he love and that's to get not really to give . I'm all about passion and foreplay and down to have sex if possible 2-3 times a day. The second I turn around he locks him self in the bathroom to watch porn . He watches porn while he's shaving in the morning to "get he's day going" there's love both ways and he's a good guy. But I just can't trust him. And I have a 7 year old daughter that he adopted as he's own but I don't think I can put up with this for many years to come. I want to feel needed, wanted,caressed, checked out by my husband. I'm fit and stay in shape but what ever my appereance is seems to not ever be enough


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

love? said:


> Porn was never a topic I never knew he even liked watching and as bad as it sounds I had never watched a porn movie before we married so he hid this well from me.


What was your sex life like before you got married? Was it porn-like then?



love? said:


> I've been going through so many stages like depression, confidence issues and so on. I turn him on but not to the level of explosion like porn does for him. Our sex life is just like a porn movie same steps and everything you know how the girl on a porn movie acts like it's all about the guys penis and she gets no caressing or anything that's how we have sex also he has admited that vagina is not he's drive it's just oral sex that he love and that's to get not really to give .


Why are you having sex with him if this is what it’s like?

Have you asked if that if vagina is not his then why he married someone with a vagina? Geezzz 


love? said:


> I'm all about passion and foreplay and down to have sex if possible 2-3 times a day. The second I turn around he locks him self in the bathroom to watch porn . He watches porn while he's shaving in the morning to "get he's day going"


Here’s a site that might help. 

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn



love? said:


> there's love both ways and he's a good guy. But I just can't trust him. And I have a 7 year old daughter that he adopted as he's own but I don't think I can put up with this for many years to come. I want to feel needed, wanted,caressed, checked out by my husband. I'm fit and stay in shape but what ever my appereance is seems to not ever be enough


You need to find a marriage counselor who is a sex therapist. Then you have to tell your husband that you will not stay married to a man who will not give you sexual intimacy. That you will no longer accept his porn-like, self-centered version of sex. He has to go to a MC/sex-therapist with you and fix this or you will divorce him. And you have to be ready to file if he says no.

There is no way you should be putting up with this. What he’s doing is a form of serious emotional abuse.


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## love? (Sep 3, 2014)

When we dated he always tried to please me and made sure I was pleased but after we got married he just stopped trying and blames me for not giving him oral sex so now I don't have sex with him if he doesn't try to at least have for play and we did counseling but he says I need to understand that there's nothing wrong with him that I'm the one with the problem


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

love? said:


> When we dated he always tried to please me and made sure I was pleased but after we got married he just stopped trying and blames me for not giving him oral sex so now I don't have sex with him if he doesn't try to at least have for play and we did counseling but he says I need to understand that there's nothing wrong with him that I'm the one with the problem


Did you just go to a marriage counselor or did you go to a sex therapist? There's a huge difference.

Sometimes to fix something you need to be willing to lose is. If you just keep on doing what you are doing now you will be a very bitter, unhappy woman for the rest of this marriage.

You have a choice here, either accept it or put your foot down hard. 

You know he's wrong. Why are you afraid to stand up for yourself?


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## love? (Sep 3, 2014)

A marriage councelor . I'm just afraid of regretting it I'm afraid of letting go and start all over I feel bitter at times and I'm afraid of the next guy if I ever see anyone else again what problem is next one going to have?. I have up on the counseling because he believes in he's heart he's not doing anything wrong. And he has tried to stop and when he does we do so well but then he goes back to it and we jump to the same old cycle .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

love? said:


> A marriage councelor . I'm just afraid of regretting it I'm afraid of letting go and start all over I feel bitter at times and I'm afraid of the next guy if I ever see anyone else again what problem is next one going to have?. I have up on the counseling because he believes in he's heart he's not doing anything wrong. And he has tried to stop and when he does we do so well but then he goes back to it and we jump to the same old cycle .


Then you need to get into counseling because you are not taking care of yourself.

For one thing you are co-dependent. He as a sexual addiction that has grossly distorted his view of sexuality. And your are putting his needs ahead of your own... this is a hallmark of co-dependency. You are spending more energy on how to make him change then you are on taking care of yourself and getting your own needs met. It's a natural reaction to being married to a person who is addicted to a chemical, to sex, to porn, etc. 

Start reading on the website I posted above. It will help you. And you get into counseling. Find someone who is also a sex therapist because you need specialized help with. A sex therapist will help you out whether he goes with you or not.


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## love? (Sep 3, 2014)

Thank you your words sound very right.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

love? said:


> Thank you your words sound very right.


It might help you to post here too. There are often topics related to yours and you might get something out of them.

YOu need to take care of yourself. It's not selfish to put your needs first. If you don't, who will?

It's like they say on an airplane, if you are traveling with a child put your oxygen mask on first. Then put the child's on. Because if you do it the other way around you will pass out before you are done with the child's mask. Life is like that. You cannot be a good mother to your child if you don't take care of yourself first. 

We are each responsible for our own happiness and getting our own needs met.


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