# My Wife's Excessive Texting



## Dropkick (Oct 1, 2010)

My wife and I have been married almost 15 years. She is going to nursing school and working part-time, so she has been very busy the past year or so. I've been helping out more around the house and with our two kids to allow her to focus on her reading, schoolwork, clinicals, etc. Her best friend has helped out picking the kids up after school and the two of them talk on the phone all the time. 

I had checked the cell phone reports last winter and saw a number that my wife had been texting 150-300 times a month and figured it was with her friend. My wife would be texting in the car, when visiting with family and other times I was with her. I would ask her how her friend was, or make other references thinking it was her friend. Her reply would confirm that she seemed to be texting with her friend.

Last April and May, as her nursing semester was coming to a close, she was studying more and more for her finals. She would go into the bedroom and study. I would usually sit in the living room on the couch and watch TV, bored out of my mind, but I knew she needed to focus on her studies. After she was done with her finals, she continued to stay in the bedroom with the door closed claiming she wanted to watch something different on TV. This seemed unusual because we'd usually sit on the couch together and find something to watch together. I checked the cell phone report for May and the texts to the number had increased to more than 900. 

We had been going to the gym together for over a year and my wife decided to sign up for a women's triathlon in July with some friends from school. She started training for it seriously in May when her classes ended. She was off of school until September, so it was good timing for her to do this. The texting continued and was over 700 for June. The texting reached 2000+ in July. The records showed that she was often texting past midnight and would start up again first thing in the morning. I noticed a different number that she was also texting (not nearly as often as the original number) that I didn't recognize. So now I was freaking out wondering who the original number was that she had been texting with thousands of times for the past year. 

The next day I went to work, as usual. My wife went to work in the morning and then took the kids to the beach for the afternoon as was their summer routine. I tried to get in touch with my wife, but couldn't reach her. I texted my daughter and asked her where my wife was. She said she had gone home to do some things. I texted my wife and asked her what she was doing at home and she said she was cleaning, one of the other mother's at the beach were watching the kids. This is highly unusual. My wife will admit that she isn';t the best housekeeper, so for her to skip the beach to clean seemed very odd to me.

I checked her phone that night while she was in the shower and realized this "new" number was actually the cell phone number of her best friend. I realized the original number was a guy she works with. I didn't know what to do, so I figured I'd wait until the kids went to bed before I would ask her about it. We ended up going to bed and I just asked her why she texted that guy so much. She quickly said, "I don't know, we're just friends." She had deleted all his texts, so I couldn't read any of them. I asked her about that and she said she deletes all her texts. She continued texting with him for a couple of days, but I kept after her and eventually she stopped. I told her it felt like she and I were broken and I didn't know if we could be fixed. She said she felt the same way. I wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or just saying that to calm me down about all the texting. 

We've been trying to make it through it. I don't think any sex was involved, but because the texts have been deleted, I'll never know for sure. I want to trust my wife again, but the past two months have been very difficult. How can I start to trust her again? I think of the text as her having an emotional affair, but I don't think she sees it as that devastating. Should I tell her I consider it cheating?


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ok so now you know she was texting she has erased the messagaes so now your going to have to make some choices! 
I can tell you my husbands text went from a few hundred to several thousand in a matter of months. If you think there is more to it then she is telling you....call the number if she is having any type of affair she has already and more than likely will continue to lie. Just hang on and be ready for what she is going to tell you because it is going to hurt.
Know for sure what you want the outcome to be before you go to her...If you think it is broken and can not be fixed then go to the court house dont bother with details because it will only get worse. If you want to work on it and want to stay married be ready for one hell on a ride....Good Luck!


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## Dropkick (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks. I know that she still works with the guy every Wednesday and Sunday morning. She has stopped texting with him. My biggest concern is not knowing exactly what they talked about. It would literally be texting back and forth from noon until almost midnight at its worst. We've been working on getting back to the way we used to be. Texting each other numerous times a day, spending time together in the kitchen when I get home from work, going for dates, etc. That part has been great. I'm still struggling with the trust knowing she covered this up and lied for so long. She calims she didn't tell me about him becasue she didn't want me to think something was going on, but at the same time, she said she knew it was just innocent conversations, so she didn't think it was a big deal. She has also said if the situation was reversed, she would be sick over it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She went to the beach with your kids and left them there with a friend to go home and clean. And you stated that's not the norm for her and you would have never thought she would do something like that.

Wanna guess who she was with? As for the texts stopping, she could have gotten a 2nd phone to hide it from you. Or they might just keep contacting through e-mails, facebook, twitter, at work, etc...

And she still works for the guy who is a friend, who she was texting, bad idea. You might want to lay low and collect more evidence, let her get a false sense of security and dig, dig, dig and dig more. She'll never confess to anything unless you get evidence to go with your gut feeling.

Always trust your gut feeling and go with it.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

It usually starts with someone they have contact with over a period of time....I hate to say this but I bet she is lying to you!
Let me tell you a little bit that I have learned. 
I have been married for 10 yrs and my DDAY was 07/21/2010. I am not going to say we had a perfect marriage but I didnt know that he was even seeing someone else and when I did finally notice he would ask me "when would I have time" well I finally figured it out all those early morning meetings that he was having was in her bed! I could have looked at the texting and seen that he was using it more often...I didnt because I trusted him! Well believe me he will never have that trust again. He came to me the day ofter mothers day and told me he wasnt happy I asked him to stay and I thaught we were working it out...We to made dinner togeather...would flirt back and forth on the phone, plan dates and go out...sneek away togeather and then he would come home and call her! We went on a family vacation and he was texting her the whole time telling her how he wished he had stayed home and was with her and the whole time sleeping in my bed telling me how much he loved me! 
Please if you think something is going on find out for sure. If they work togeather there is a chance they have found other ways to chat. My cell phone only shows outgoing so I have learned that she could send him a text to meet her without me knowing!
If she has lied she is still lying to you! If you want to stay married she needs to tell the truth and I can tell you she will lie her ass off....my husband would say it was because he had already hurt me enough and I didnt need to know the details...well when he wouldnt tell me I went to the OW and she told me it all! Way to much, but at least it was the truth....
I can tell you that since DDAY I have stayed and we are trying but he would only work on it half assed until I couldnt take it any more and asked him to give me some space and he moved out! He has been gone a week and I miss him and want him to come home but I will not be lied to.....
I dont know for sure that your wife isnt telling you the truth but from experience shes not....get the answers you feel are true and you will have to decide what you are willing to live with....Do that for noone but you!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife - of about 15 years - started texting after she had finished nursing school. Its almost like I typed the original post above in my sleep while I was having a nightmare / flashbacks....creepy stuff...

First of all - yes - this was / is an affair and it needs to stop. Even if it isn't physical, it was (is) an affair.

What kind of phone does she have? If its a "smart" phone - especially an iphone - there are about a million ways that she could be hiding continued communications with this guy.

Keep your eyes open. Call her out on any suspected lies.

Ask a ton of questions - see if her answers are consistent - see if questions make her angry. 

Start keeping a journal - it will come in handy later when she tries to convince you that its all in your head.

Good luck...


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## Dropkick (Oct 1, 2010)

At this point, I think I need to tell her that I consider her texting an emotional affair. I don't know if she realizes exactly how badly this has hurt me. She says she's sorry she has done anything to hurt me, but I feel that she may be saying it only to make me feel better. Is this a good idea to tell her this?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Dropkick said:


> At this point, I think I need to tell her that I consider her texting an emotional affair. I don't know if she realizes exactly how badly this has hurt me. She says she's sorry she has done anything to hurt me, but I feel that she may be saying it only to make me feel better. Is this a good idea to tell her this?


I think its an excellent idea. Talk to her about it. If she loves you, and she's sorry, she should be willing to listen.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I got the answer I didn't want by finally checking her messages. But then I knew for sure. No sense going underground then. W has been gone 5 months since I asked her to leave. She left her cell phone some where I could check it today and I did. I wanted to know if there was any real chance that I had been making progress towards recovery. NOOOOO! Really bad stuff (for me.) Check all alternative sources of communication. There is no way that she could have been texting that much and it would be innocent.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I hate the term "emotional affair". That being said...

WAY inappropriate. Probably physical (She left the beach to what, privately text him?). Here's what you say:

"You betrayed my trust in you, broke our marriage vows, then lied about it. When I came to you hurting and asking for help, you just lied again to save yourself. As soon as you come to me and honestly discuss our situation, I'll be in the guest room."

What is this with evidence? I mean, I kind of understand wanting to know. But cheaters lie. They will ALWAYS lie. They will never come clean. NEVER! I will mention again about the thread on this forum where a guy saw a naked man climbing off of his naked wife in their bed and she STILL denied anything was going on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes tell her your feelings, keep in mind this discussion is on your terms. Do not beg,pleed, or grovel. Be firm with no doubt that this behavior is unexceptable. Show her your stonger then what she my be expecting(it will throw her off guard). show confidence

The thing about evidence, it is the tool that confirms the cheating. It tells the wayward spouse that you know that she knows that you know.
Of course they will deny it even caught red handed. cheating is shameful, ambarassing, and just wrong on every level. 

Showing my W the pictures and the text messages just gave me the upper hand in confronting her. My tone and manner it which I talked showed that I was not going to take any BS. There was no "I love you and I'll do any thing" it was more like "you screwed up and you have one choice, stop see OM". Her fear was my ally in confronting her. If she sees weakness she will play off that emotion.

Any way that was my case and take from it as you will and good luck on stopping her with all that texting(its wrong)


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I know from where you come my friend. You are just lucky she was texting and not using her blackberry messenger which doesn't show up on the phone bill! I will guarantee she was "sexting" this guy because she hid these texts from you. I know, been there, lived it. She also probably slept with this guy because that is how it progresses. 

Sorry to tell you what you already know. You can join the club of those whose relationships have been damaged by cell phone technology.


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## Dropkick (Oct 1, 2010)

I told my wife I consider what she did an emotional affair. She apologized again and said she wishes she could go back and change things. 

As I said before, she is currently in nursing school. Other students have iPhones and use apps on the phones to look up information on medications and such which is much easier than looking them up in the book while on the hospital floor. She has said she wants an iPhone. I totally agree that it would make her learning and clinicals much easier and would be a great tool for that, but obviously I'm concerned about what else she may do with it. Like someone posted before, she would very easily be able to communicate with the other guy if she wanted to. It's been about three months since I confronted her about the texts and it has completely stopped from what I can see on the phone records. With the iPhone, I would have to trust her and I don't think I'm able or ready for that. I don't know what to do becasue I definitely think the phone would be very helpful for her nursing. She has about a year left and I'm trying to support her through all her schooling. I'm thinking of just telling her exactly what I said above to discuss it with her. Any thoughts or advice on what/how I should discuss with her? Thanks again to everyone! Your advice has been greatly appreciated.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trust your gut. I believe that your gut starts feeling odd when your brain has accumulated evidence that it hasn't brought to your conscience yet.

When she's been gone, ask her subtle questions about where and who with. Repeat the questions and see if the answers change. It's exhausting for them to have to keep up with all of their lies when they are cheating.

Ask for access to her phone. Tell her you would like to look at it. Ask her about any suspicious apps.

Yes - the phone is a valuable tool for school, but there are still ways she can help you feel better about things. Maybe you should just tell her directly how you are feeling. If she reacts lovingly thats a great sign. If she's angry and blames you for not just letting it go, that's a bad sign.

But still, trust your gut and keep your eyes open.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

hi dropkick, i will not only vconsider this is only an EA. sure there is a physical but you hav not enough evidence on it. but if you are not interested to know about the PA maybe you could go on and start to build your trust to her again.


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## Dropkick (Oct 1, 2010)

I have no way of proving a physical affair. I wish I could get a definitive answer, but I doubt that will ever happen. I'm trying to build my trust in her again, but I'll always question if anything physical took place. Obviously she denies anything happened and says she isn't and never was attracted to him in that way.


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Gosh its hard to say but if you have a feeling that it was or is going on then dont ignore it! You will not be able to trust with out honesty!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have a keylogger on her computer?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can even get a keylogger on her phone

google for it.

There is far more to this story.


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## Dropkick (Oct 1, 2010)

Thanks LilBit35, your advice has been so helpful. How can I get honesty out of her if she's just going to deny it? If nothing happened, I won't be able to know for sure. I want to be able to trust her again, but I know I won't fully be able to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why you get a keylogger installed - to get the proof. Proof is not to drag her through the mud, it's so YOU know you're not going crazy when she denies it. And she will.


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