# What do I say?



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My wife suffers from depression... She tends to build stuff up in her head, and the pragmatist in me isn't able to help. As well, she always tends to go to far with me and our kids. 

Recently, our 3 year old daughter broke an ornament of hers. It was her grandmothers ornament, and she was upset. She was very harsh with our daughter. Our daughter kept repeating I'm sorry, but my wife wouldn't let it go and acted like a high schooler who had their boyfriend stolen. I suggested to our daughter that we make a new ornament for Mommy, and I helped her. Mommy couldn't help but interject that it won't replace the one that was broken. 

If I spill something or break a glass, she doesn't just say clean it up or that stinks, she goes off on how I'm a clutz who breaks everything and points out that she never breaks anything. She does on occasion. 

If I'm putting away the kids toys or trying to organize, she stops me and tells me I shouldn't put them away because I don't know where they go. I go to work all day. She's the one home with the kids... she knows best. 

It would be OK if she just disagreed, but she goes off about a million reasons why it's not as simple as it seems. She hold my job against me. She doesn't understand why I can't work less even though I've taken an extra day off to help her out. 

Her mother has some health issues, dementia. I know it's tough. But, she's convincing herself that she's gong to have dementia. She thinks it's because of stress. Her mother and her eventual dementia. 

Her sister had a health scare, and she was a mess. It went from her sister not being able to have kids to possibly having cancer, to not having cancer and being able to have kids. She was a mess for a week, and made life miserable. 

So I don't want to be dismissive of health issues, but how do I calm her down. Many of her concerns just aren't based in reality.

She had been to therapists, and I've suggested trying another one together. She's a bit difficult to talk to about medical stuff because she acts like a know it all. She's been doing it her whole life and I just can't understand any of it. That's what she would say. 

The past few days, she's fighting with her sister. Her sister was supposed to spend some extra time with us for Christmas, but she had to reschedule. My wife called her a "selfish *****". My wife expects me to see her side, but all I see is her being a bit "selfish" herself. 

How do I respond to these things? I tend to walk away before she drags me into these fights, but that only gets me so far. With my daughter and the broken ornament, I felt like telling her to grow up. But, it was her grandmothers, so maybe that's harsh. I tend to think it not always a good thing to say what you mean.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe Grandma's not the only one with dementia.

Early onset. The first sign is often irritability.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

The phrase misery loves company seems to fit here. She needs to lighten up and stop being so hard on everyone, she is causing her own misery.

The life of walking on egg shells, is a tough one. I feel for your daughter as she will think this is how you treat your husband, have you let her know how you feel when she acts like this? 

She really needs to get some help from someone that can find out why she acts this way, I understand the ornament thing but she took it to far with your daughter.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Either she acknowledges her problem and agrees to see a therapist, or you go see an attorney! No self-respecting lawyer would want to represent someone of her stature in court!

No one deserves to be treated like that ~ intentionally or unintentionally!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

The type of dementia shouldn't manifest at her age. Maybe in 15 years. 

Misery loves company is right. It's like she's enjoys working herself up into a frenzy. It's hard to feel bad for somebody who does it to themselves. 

With my daughter, it lasted for over 3 hours. I should've told her to grow up. I still regret not saying anything. The kids didn't want to touch the ornaments after that. I understand the feeling, because a few years back our tree tipped over and a few ornaments broke. She blamed me, told me I ruined Christmas and didn't stop there. All I could say to her is that she doesn't understand what Christmas is about. 

I do have to walk on eggshells. She's convinced I'm discussing stuff with others. If I ask her a question, about when something is scheduled; she thinks I have ulterior motives. It's embarrassing when I'm trying to talk to her with someone in the room. ME: "What time is the party" Her: "Why?" Me : "Because I'm trying to tell my brother..." Her:"Why?" Me:"So he can come... What time is the party?" She thinks that I'm trying to sneak something past her. 

What do you say when someone is convinced you are hiding something and you're not hiding anything?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Early onset.

It happens.

It's the worst.

There are blood tests and cognitive tests. Early treatment can retard its progress.

God, I hope not, for all your sake. Still, forewarned is forearmed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Has she always been this way?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> Early onset.
> 
> It happens.
> 
> ...


Her mother had it onset at about 50 years old. It's FTL dementia. If it's happening to her, she's getting it a lot earlier then they would suggest. It also seems to be different symptoms. Irritability is a symptom of a lot of stuff. 

I'm not sure I know how to approach that. If I suggested she get tested, I'm not sure they can test, she'd be eternally depressed. 

She's always been depressed, but the kids are her big stressor. They came 3 and 5 years ago. That's where she feels overwhelmed.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, so far as I know 50 would be considered early onset. 

I don't know what to tell ya. Maybe talk to your G.P. about it and see what he thinks.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Has she always been this way?


She's always suffered depression, but recently, it seems the kids and being a SAHM are her big stresses. She's gotten worse since they were born. She just doesn't appreciate what she has. 

She implies that I like to go to work to get away from the kids. She says I'd rather be at work. I count the minutes when I'm at work. She couldn't be more wrong, so it's pretty hurtful to have her suggest it. Worse to use it as a reason why I don't know something about our kids. 

Personally, I think we all work with the hopes that one day we can retire and spend more time with our kids. At that point they are probably to old to want to spend time with us. She thinks work is my getaway. 

Did I mention that my job is really stressful? Now why can't she understand that?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> Well, so far as I know 50 would be considered early onset.
> 
> I don't know what to tell ya. Maybe talk to your G.P. about it and see what he thinks.


Yes. 50 is early onset for dementia. But, it's more typical for FTL. 

My wife is 36 years old. I'm not a doctor, but I think she's a bit too young to be showing symptoms.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Walking away and trying to ignore her will not fix this. Do you have trouble standing up to her? That 3 year old is your daughter too ya know.

Cmon


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Walking away and trying to ignore her will not fix this. Do you have trouble standing up to her? That 3 year old is your daughter too ya know.
> 
> Cmon



Yes. I have trouble standing up to her. Or more figuring out what to say. 

What would you have said about the ornament? It belonged to her grandmother. She passed away last year. It's irreplaceable. She wanted to have it forever. A homemade ornament isn't the same. I wouldn't understand because I don't like Christmas ornaments. I was sitting on my butt when she broke it. It's the only ornament she has from her grandmother. 

If I disagree with her, I get a litany of reasons why she's right. Like a minute long diatribe. It's as if she lives for these disputes and uses them to hurl as many insults as she can at me. If I can't take the insults, I have to walk away. I can only take so much, and then I get mad. Then the fight breaks out and she loves it. I keep trying to walk away, but she wants to have it out.

Sometimes her logic is so out there that walking away seems like the only solution. Sometimes, she mocks the kids. She says she's being snarky or sarcastic. I just think it's unhealthy for them. She really comes off like a baby. That probably bothers me more then anything else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You do not have a marriage worth having. And part of this is your fault. Read up

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=ZkkHnOXzHaTKNQJuINd64JV.yhg-


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can't fix her but you need to fix yourself. You've given her complete control.

You have young kids to think about here. Do it for them as well.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Talk to your G.P. and tell him about family history and your related concerns. Get this sorted out first before you go stirring up a hornet's nest.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

In the past, I've tried to be practical. To suggest it's either an unreasonable concern, or come up with specific steps to complete what she's worrying about. 

Am I supposed to be more direct? How do I do that without being rude? 

With the ornament, I wanted to tell her that she needs to grow up. There are other scenarios where she just isn't being realistic. When something is so off the wall, then correcting it almost feels like ridicule. How do I suggest she's wrong without her getting defensive? 

If I were to say what I thought I'd say... "What is wrong with you? Your daughter broke a stupid Christmas ornament and you're berating her over it? She's been apologizing profusely with a sad face for hours and you can't suck it up and accept her apology? You really need to sort out your priorities and find a way to deal with disappointment. You cannot speak to the kids the way you do. You call it being snarky. It's acting like a baby in front of kids who don't know better. Don't let them grow up thinking this is appropriate behavior."

Then she'd be more depressed and reserved until I finally say that I didn't mean all of it. Maybe I'll say a few things I don't mean, but she says 10 thinks she doesn't mean per minute.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Irritability is also a symptom of depression. And depression often makes you unreasonable and not able to see the good. 

It's totally reasonable to be upset about the ornament. It is not reasonable to take it out on a three year old. The fault lies with the adult who left the ornament available for a three year old to get ahold of. 

Now if the your daughter was breaking a rule that had been explained to her (if she had been told not to touch the ornament but did anyway), then a consequence is appropriate. But the consequence has to be appropriate to the fact that she's three, not to the fact that the ornament was valuable. 
A time out of three minutes might be appropriate accompanied by a short talk about the rule. It's even okay to see mommy be sad about the ornament. It is not okay to berate the child for it or to be petty.

Forget about you, you married her. But your daughter is being emotionally abused by your wife. This is what your daughter is learning, mom is scary and daddy won't protect her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"With my daughter, it lasted for over 3 hours. I should've told her to grow up."

You should have told her to shut the hell up. That was just plain mean and abusive to do that to a child, let alone a 3 year old. That child is going to have scars growing up if your wife keeps up this sh!t. *You need to protect your children. * God, I feel so sorry that your little ones are with her all day.


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

I don't feel qualified to offer any advice. I just want to say that I've been there. It's kind of a no win situation you are in. What your wife probably needs is empathy and validation, but not necessarily agreement. That's really hard to give when she's so far out of touch and possibly hurting your daughter. 

Depression is a serious condition, and there may be more than just depression. Strategies for dealing with people like her don't come intuitively. A good therapist, especially one with a psychology background, can help you learn how to diffuse these situations and set boundaries. They can also help you to stay grounded and not loose yourself in her fog. Please don't underestimate that danger. You won't even know you are lost until everything goes to hell and you're blasted out. depression affects everyone around the sufferer. You need a therapist as much as she does.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Help get your wife evaluated by a psychiatrist (MD) for post-partum depression. You said the kids were the stressors and triggers, so it is logical she may be suffering from PPD.

Having one of her stressors, and potential cause of PPD, destroying something so precious to her, can truly send her over the deep end. I get the feeling you are the one who allowed your DD access to this precious item belonging to your wife, as if you were hoping something would happen, as a means to "punish" your wife.

Your wife needs help and it appears no one, even the "professionals," is helping her. 

IamSomebody


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