# What bugs you the most of your discovery of your WS's A?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I was thinking about this the other day and not withstanding the emails/phone calls, etc. that took place between H and his EA...one thing stands out for me still to this day that still bugs me...

That on DD#1 when H said to me as I was practically begging him:scratchhead: to stay in the marriage..that he commented that he was "not sure what he wanted"...to this day it still bugs the crap out of me that he said this.

I have, I admit, thrown this back in his face over the last year about how stupid of him to actually think he was going to leave his marriage for some chick he met overseas who was desperate to come to this country....like that relationship would have worked out..

What bugs you the most from the whole discovery of your WS's A...was it something they said/did, etc.?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It was the level of deciete. She worked very hard on the hiding of info, making arrangments to meet him. My stupidity for not seeing what was going on in my own life. When I found the pictures and sexting messages it killed me something I tried to get her to do for years and she was doing it with someone else and not me

I knew this guy from High School. I thought he was an A hole then of course I think a lot worse now.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes the deceit bugs me too but to me it was those words from him..."I am not sure what I want" that stand out for me.

I have to admit there is a part of me that almost wishes that I had just let him go and stood on the sidelines while he wrecked his life...because between our messy divorce and his AP sucking him dry financially it would have been interesting.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It was when I asked my fiancé about the text message in which his EA accused him of leading her on. The immediate circumstances were that she refused a kiss from him so he was turning away from her....... She accused him of leading her on....... this at a time when she knew that he knew she was dating someone else and also when they had been discussing me for more than a month.

What really galled me was when I brought up those moments ie, the kiss that she mentioned and the subsequent accusation he said, yeah, I really felt that I had led her on.......

oh really, now, when even at that point, I was still in the dark about everything.......


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

What bugs me the most was how I was connected to two of the most stupidest people on the Earth. Actual conversation they had,

AP: Does your husband own guns?

WW: Yes, several.

AP: Do I need worry about your husband if he finds out about us?

WW: No, this would be just between him and I.

AP: OK..good.


Needless to say, seven months later I caught up with him and he literally cried like a "school girl" in front of me.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Man, there are just so many things. Finding out that on the weeklong vacation I had with my family that she was NOT talking and texting her sister but her AP instead. Or is it the fact that I bought her a new car months AFTER she started seeing her AP. Or perhaps the day I caught her after she lied to myself and the kids about going shopping but I found her at the AP's house. Or perhaps it's the time I walked onto the deck to get my glass while she was on the phone and she yelled at me about giving her privacy while she talked to her sister (AP). Sigh..............


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

What bugs me the most is that I began HB before learning the details of their physical acts together.

Not until I learned "how" they did it did I understand the "changes" in my WW's bedroom behavior.

Also, as counter-intuitive as it seems, I still feel gross when playing over in my head her gratuitous remarks on how well endowed I am. (obvious comparison that I could do without).

gross


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

All of it?!?!?!?

A couple of low notes....1. when hubby told me he wanted a divorce, I cried, and he said "do you know how hard this is fo me?" ( he picked me up from the airport LATE tht day after I was gone for 3 weeks, had my brother die in front of my eyes and had to be strong for the rest of my family and take care of the funeral). 2. I asked him if there was someone else and he said "no. I have been feeling this for awhile and tried to make a list of reasons whyI still loved you and couldn't come up with any. Don't I deserve to be happy?". 3. Then we were in false R after DD3, and he said after I had a trigger "I have to remember that just because I don't think about it doesn't mean it didn't happen", 4. and when I sent him an email during that same timeframe telling him that I didn't want the man I married because that man was a liar and a cheat and that I wanted more, he said he "didn't like it at all." 5. Also during this timeframe I told him that I felt like I was liviing in her shadow, and he said "no - your not". 6. For Valentines day (still in false R), he wrote a card that said "there are not many cards that say from a dumbass husband...." 7....and, a day after DD 4 we took my daughters to the store to buy stuff for a school project. I could barely maintain my composure and went walking the isles by myself. He said he was hurt that I didn't want to hold his hand......like I was just supposed to be ok with finding out that the affair that never should have happeed in the first place dragged out for 3 more months after DD1....ugh......yep, all of it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If I had to pick one single thing, it was a comment my H said about my body when he was at the height of the affair. Of course now he is so apologetic, appalled he ever said such a thing, denies that it was ever true and says it was said to be hurtful at the time, the actual words weren't accurate, etc. etc. Whatever, some things that you say you cannot take back.

If I had to pick two things, it would be the image of my H sitting on our sofa, in the exact same spot, on more than one occasion, arms akimbo tight against his chest, his face drawn up into a scowl, and his head shaking fiercely as he denied that there was "anyone else." With me begging him to tell me the truth (I didn't know he was in an affair) because I was sure that the way he was acting meant that he was in an affair. I've said this a number of times but the image that comes to mind when a WS acts like that is gollum holding tightly to The One Ring..."my precious"...which I don't think in my H's mind represented his AP, this one particular woman...but rather the affair itself, the fantasy escape it represented. Protect it at all costs! That was his body language in retrospect...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

...sorry...how could I forget...the fact that my husband had to wear a condom with me...his wife of 15.5 years because he chose not to wear one wth her....that because you "sleep with everyone your partner sleeps with, I am actually sleeping with her? Guess she slept with me and I slept with her SO.....I almost just threw up in my mouth.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Deception, deceit, lying, no loyalty, no remorse, doing whatever it takes to save face, etc. And even when presented with information, they will try and keep lying, not because they care but because they want to make themselves look better.
Ya know, sometimes I ask myself, if we were dating these people, would we be so quick to try and work and work and work on it, to the point of exhaustion? No, we'd just leave them and date someone else.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> If I had to pick one single thing, it was a comment my H said about my body when he was at the height of the affair. Of course now he is so apologetic, appalled he ever said such a thing, denies that it was ever true and says it was said to be hurtful at the time, the actual words weren't accurate, etc. etc. Whatever, some things that you say you cannot take back.
> 
> If I had to pick two things, it would be the image of my H sitting on our sofa, in the exact same spot, on more than one occasion, arms akimbo tight against his chest, his face drawn up into a scowl, and his head shaking fiercely as he denied that there was "anyone else." With me begging him to tell me the truth (I didn't know he was in an affair) because I was sure that the way he was acting meant that he was in an affair. I've said this a number of times but the image that comes to mind when a WS acts like that is gollum holding tightly to The One Ring..."my precious"...which I don't think in my H's mind represented his AP, this one particular woman...but rather the affair itself, the fantasy escape it represented. Protect it at all costs! That was his body language in retrospect...


Your comment about "some things you say you cannot take back" very true...

That is why it bugs the heck out of me so much it is like holy smoke you actually thought you and your EA were going to have this great life together 

I guess though that is the "fog" talking.....

I often wonder if the WS's often shudder at the things they said or did when in the fog...I sure hope so!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I often wonder if the WS's often shudder at the things they said or did when in the fog...I sure hope so![/QUOTE]

Some do...Mine does. He goes nuts and yells "wh*re" (talking about OW - that just happened last week), when her name (not even her name - just referencing "her") is even brought up. It makes him ill and angry at himself. He hates himself. He destroyed our front door and 2 of our dining room chairs in the process and now is getting into anger management. I say that with no emotion. But he is right, she is a wh*re - too bad he didn't realize it sooner. Just made himself a man wh*re in the process and a really crappy husband and father.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Good gosh, there are so many it's hard to choose.

Perhaps it was the utter feeling of stupidity, that I did not discover my wife's affair for two full years. 

All the GNO's, the after work drinks with friends, the hours long weekend shopping trips, the nights she would come home late and sleep on the couch, the nights she went to bed with her blue jeans on, the hours and hours she was on Facebook, the cell phone calls she had outside on the porch. I felt like a total imbecile.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

That she had been doing internet searches for him a couple times a year.
"He did his time in prison and he was innocent,he's got a really good job".
He was f ing homeless and had warrants out for him.
We had argued about him quite a few times in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

What bugs me the most is knowing how she talked to my Mom and her parents about me. She would tell them I didn't "do enough" around the house or "help out" when I was home from a flight. Truth is, I did do stuff when I was home, unless I was only home on a 24 hour turn...then I really didn't feel like doing the dishes. I wanted family time.

Worse part about that was that I...me...I actually bought into it and purchased several books on becoming a better person and finding myself and all kinds of zen sh-t. And her parent's got me a real nice book by Tony Dungee about becoming a better man.

I threw all that sh-t away when she finally admitted to them she had lied about me. Unfortunately, my Mother passed away 2.5 years before Dday. 

People have asked me why I stayed with Regret. I can honestly say that some of it has to do with talking to my Ma in the hospital just days before she died. She had been given Last Rites while she was awake so she could be at peace. Our family and friends left the room to give us time alone. Ma looked at me and talked about how bad my sperm donor was and how equally bad my step idiot was. I know now that she was thinking about what Regret had told her and she said to me, "Dig, just promise me that you will be a much better man and promise me you will always take care of your family."

I'm trying Ma. I really am.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The biggest bug I had. 

I still can’t understand it... On DD, while my heart was crushed, I still believed her to be a smart wonderful person; I still believed in her and had her on a pedestal. She has major fears: All of them stem from her just wanting me to see the best in her. And on DD, I was still seeing the best in her and trying to believe in her.

By keeping to her idiotic stories and lies in light of all the continued evidence I was uncovering for months after DD.... It bugs me to no end that she choose the most logical path to make her every fear real. Basically, she choose to be the very person she most did not want me to see. 

It is in those days and months after DD that a wayward’s character is defined. She defined hers in the worst possible way. That bugs me. She knew it too; MC warned her as did “the books and forums”. Yet, she picked the worst possible way to present someone I could ever truly respect or forgive.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

The lies. Oh and the lies. Then, there were the lies. Yep. The lies.

And the feeling of being second best. And what this has done to my ability to trust him going forward.


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## kruppmart (May 10, 2012)

That she had the OM moving in a week or two after she had kicked me out of MY OWN house by getting a CPO against me. Within 2 weeks, another man slept with her in the master bedroom, right next to her 13 year old daughter's bedroom. What a POS as a role model for her daughter.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The things these days (3yrs of R) is the dangerous things she was putting her self into.

Going to bars alone, getting into strange cars, going to place were she was lost and counted on OM's taking her back to her car.

She was in a very self distructing mode when I finally confronted her. The stupid and dangerous behavior bothers me these days.

Three years ago it was the lies, doing things together like normal, and not dealing with her unhealthy behaviors years sooner.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

After getting caught in an EA, her going underground and turning it into a PA. Effing stupid.

Also the fact that I had to find out by hearing the acts on a VAR.

The fact that we all hung out together as friends while it was happening.

All of it is nauseating. All of it.


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## twoforwardoneback (Dec 3, 2012)

The lies and the feeling that while they were 'getting away with it' they were somehow laughing all the way to the bedroom like,,, 'haha aren't we clever? she doesn't know!' 
Well i did know, i knew all along, but was in SERIOUS denial. So much so that i even went to a psychiatrist to try and get rid of my jealousy issues and hear from a professional if i was,as he said i was, 'crazy and delusional' for being so suspicious. Thanks to TAM i now know it has a name... 'Gaslighting' ...All those hundreds of $$ on therapy i could have saved if i had've come on here then.
Oh, and what still s**ts me to this day is that he STILL shifts the blame onto me (and likely always will). The man is a fool.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

twoforwardoneback said:


> The lies and the feeling that while they were 'getting away with it' they were somehow laughing all the way to the bedroom like,,, 'haha aren't we clever? she doesn't know!'
> Well i did know, i knew all along, but was in SERIOUS denial. So much so that i even went to a psychiatrist to try and get rid of my jealousy issues and hear from a professional if i was,as he said i was, 'crazy and delusional' for being so suspicious. Thanks to TAM i now know it has a name... 'Gaslighting' ...All those hundreds of $$ on therapy i could have saved if i had've come on here then.
> Oh, and what still s**ts me to this day is that he STILL shifts the blame onto me (and likely always will). The man is a fool.


DITTO. Did it myself. The seeing a counselor to 'get a hold of myself'....wow. Such denial. ONly in the beginning though. After about 4 visits I was sure I was right. then I was seeing her to keep from killing HIM.


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## twoforwardoneback (Dec 3, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> DITTO. Did it myself. The seeing a counselor to 'get a hold of myself'....wow. Such denial. ONly in the beginning though. After about 4 visits I was sure I was right. then I was seeing her to keep from killing HIM.


Ha! sounds familiar! I am still trying to get over my anger, i see her at times around town, and i still want to tear hair out. 
Smug b****.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

twoforwardoneback said:


> Ha! sounds familiar! I am still trying to get over my anger, i see her at times around town, and i still want to tear hair out.
> Smug b****.


OH Im really hoping for a good while before I see her. Im not sure what my reaction to her would be. Im sure she would insist on talking to my H like she's innocent....then I might just lose my ****. Might see my H posting on TAM " CTU goes to jail for giving AP what she so desperately deserved".


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> DITTO. Did it myself. The seeing a counselor to 'get a hold of myself'....wow. Such denial. ONly in the beginning though. After about 4 visits I was sure I was right. then I was seeing her to keep from killing HIM.


That is one thing that still gives me chills...me saying to H around DD that I would be willing to go to counselling by myself to work on my issues so I could be a better wife.....not saying that I was the perfect wife in any way but my god.....

I actually feel sad when I think that I shouldered alot of the blame on myself for his EA.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> The lies. Oh and the lies. Then, there were the lies. Yep. The lies.
> 
> And the feeling of being second best. And what this has done to my ability to trust him going forward.


I agree...sometimes that almost adds to my paranoia and anger because when I am in a *****y frame of mind I wonder if he is thinking about how sweet acting his EA was to him and comparing me......(of course when you have zero baggage and your only communication is via emails then I guess it is easy to act all sweet and flirty all the time)


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> People have asked me why I stayed with Regret. I can honestly say that some of it has to do with talking to my Ma in the hospital just days before she died. She had been given Last Rites while she was awake so she could be at peace. Our family and friends left the room to give us time alone. Ma looked at me and talked about how bad my sperm donor was and how equally bad my step idiot was. I know now that she was thinking about what Regret had told her and she said to me, *"Dig, just promise me that you will be a much better man and promise me you will always take care of your family."*
> 
> *I'm trying Ma. I really am.*


Damn it Dig!

I used to cry all of the time..... I very seldom cry anymore. I don't even really know why. Maybe having been the WS, one feels a little less "entitled" to cry.... but, I promise, I'm NOT asking for sympathy. Having read your story with Regret since the day you posted your first thread here makes you and Regret, both, near and dear to my heart. I was reading through these comments, shaking my head at the absurdity of them all, (yes WS's can clearly see the absurdity in other people's infidelities) and then I came across yours, *"I'm trying Ma. I really am." * Now, I'm bawling like a baby. God knows, and anyone, here, who has followed your story knows that you surely are trying.

Your sperm donor and step idiot may have been "bad," but you, Dig, are a man among men.... one who is exemplary and should be emulated. 

Sorry for the thread jack OP..............


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

highwood said:


> That is one thing that still gives me chills...me saying to H around DD that I would be willing to go to counselling by myself to work on my issues so I could be a better wife.....not saying that I was the perfect wife in any way but my god.....
> 
> I actually feel sad when I think that I shouldered alot of the blame on myself for his EA.


Oh I wasnt really going to be a 'better' wife really. I was going to be able to cope with what I was sure was about to befall me.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

The way she treated me that summer. He got the best of her and I caught all the crap.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> The way she treated me that summer. He got the best of her and I caught all the crap.


I hear that brother! I would text him and wait an hour to get an answer. In the mean time he'd send her 10 emails and god knows how much face time and lots of texts..... sitting at home with me and thinking about her. Ouch.

Its all Bullsh*t isnt it?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It was that she place this guy she only knew online for three weeks over me and our 20 year M. She even told OM "I'm not sure I want him anymore because I've fallen for you"

I stood by her through cancer and she was trashing me for some dbag online after three weeks. Just thinking of it triggers me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> The way she treated me that summer. He got the best of her and I caught all the crap.


that's the way I feel too..... that he was courting her while with me, doing just enough to keep me on board until he had to make a decision.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes I am amazed at how naive I was...on DD#1 I remember actually believing him when he said he was going to stop all contact with his EA just like that...My god...I actually believed him!!!!

THen a week later I hacked into his secret email and there I saw right in front of me that just that day and all that week that they had contact the whole time.....talk about feeling like a fool!!!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Another example of me feeling like a fool was during the six months between DD#1 and #2..I said to H on a number of occassions, "well, at least your EA had enough decency to back off and stop contact with you when she found out that you were married"......I often wondered what went thru his head when I said that to him????


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

And yet you're still with this man?

How many more chances does he get?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

kindi said:


> And yet you're still with this man?
> 
> How many more chances does he get?


Not sure if you are referring to me...but yes I am still with him...going on 25 years with him.

Honestly the marriage was not good prior so I have to take my share of the blame re: state of marriage however understand now that if I see even one shred of contact..even if it is just a hi how are you...I am done completely and he knows it. Right after DD#2 I went to a lawyer so I know my rights and would be ready to pull the trigger if need be.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

What bugs me the most is his defense of the EA. if I point out that she could have been fake, he refuses to believe it. She lived half way around the world and he has no real proof she was who she said. His proof is her Facebook and some photos ......

2. When he blamed me for not spending time with him...when he's the one who was glued to his computer for over 12 years.

3. "It was probably infatuation and not love but it doesn't make it any less meaningful".


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

highwood said:


> Not sure if you are referring to me...but yes I am still with him..


Wow you have put up with a LOT.

Furthermore:

You realize that you shouldered a lot of the blame for the EA:



highwood said:


> I actually feel sad when I think that I shouldered alot of the blame on myself for his EA.


But here you acknowledge that you are still doing it:



highwood said:


> Honestly the marriage was not good prior so I have to take my share of the blame re: state of marriage





highwood said:


> however understand now that if I see even one shred of contact..even if it is just a hi how are you...I am done completely and he knows it.


If he doesn't cheat it's only because he knows you'll divorce him immediately, not because he wants to be faithful to you out of love, respect, devotion, etc.

I'm thinking those are the wrong reasons.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> What bugs me the most is his defense of the EA. if I point out that she could have been fake, he refuses to believe it. She lived half way around the world and he has no real proof she was who she said. His proof is her Facebook and some photos ......
> 
> 2. When he blamed me for not spending time with him...when he's the one who was glued to his computer for over 12 years.
> 
> 3. "It was probably infatuation and not love but it doesn't make it any less meaningful".


wow DH, he may need a hard 180.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The biggest highlight for me:

Six months after D-Day1 I woke up one morning from a nightmare, sobbing hysterically. He rolled over instantly, took me in his arms and comforted me until I calmed down. Then he tenderly brushed my hair back and asked me what my nightmare was about. I explained that in my dream, I was shaking him by the shoulders and crying/begging/screaming for him to tell me the truth, just tell me the truth! H kissed me on the forehead then looked me right in the eyes and said "You have the truth, Baby, all of it. And I promise you that I will never lie to you again about my affair or anything else." For the first time in months and months, I felt truly cherished and loved. My husband was remorseful and our R was truly beginning. 

Two _years_ later, I fould out that he'd actually had three OW, not just the one I'd known about at the time of my nightmare.

The look of tender, naked, vulnerable honesty and remorse on his face that morning as he reassured his crying wife that he'd told me everything and that he'd never lie to me again - that's what haunts me. No one should have the capability of producing such a look while spouting a bald-faced lie. It's just not right.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

That we bought a house together after he was in his affair for at least 3 months, maybe longer. Then wanted a divorce 2 weeks after we moved in...

Yeah....that was over 5 yrs ago and I am now divorced from him...but damn....that is going to burn me for the rest of my life!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

What bugs me most is that he thinks he's done nothing wrong and that I'm overreacting and should just get over it because he says the OWs don't matter to him. Well, if I matter more than the action on the side, why won't he give it up? And the other thing they bothers me us that I made big life changes in order to accommodate being married and working toward a family, stayed faithful, and that it was all for an illusion he was spinning. I hate that I doubt myself and my perceptions now and that my confidence has taken a massive hit. It bugs me that he is more special to me than I am to him.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

What bugs me is that she trickle truthed for almost three years - letting me think that it was an EA and that it was innocent and wasted almost three years on a false R. She admitted to the summer 2009 PA AFTER we had separated (this fall). And even that admission was reluctant and sketchy in details. Eg - when I asked how many times they met up - my wife said "maybe 4 or 5". Translation: "every weekend in the summer when she had a chance". I feel like we wasted 3 years on the false R. I can't afford that, at my age (now 53).

Also: January 2010, my wife begged me to allow her to go on a golf week with a group of golfers from her club. Begged me. I let her go and looking back at pictures (which I have still, but made her delete from her PC) - there she is, all smiles with the POSOM and his Dad (and a bunch of other, older golfers). (Note - I had a good friend on this trip and he swears nothing happened - he was as shocked as me at the PA).


Later, after I contacted the POSOM and exposed, she tried to retract her admission. Ahhh - a little late to do that, honey!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Insulting my intelligence.

She never realized that the affair itself, was really not a big deal to me. Being human myself and far from perfect, I could understand that pretty easily. 

The utter disrespect for my intelligence with the horrible lies and deceit... That cut amazingly deep. If I think about it, it still makes me angry to this day. Everything else is in the rearview.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Insulting my intelligence.
> 
> She never realized that the affair itself, was really not a big deal to me. Being human myself and far from perfect, I could understand that pretty easily.
> 
> The utter disrespect for my intelligence with the horrible lies and deceit... That cut amazingly deep. If I think about it, it still makes me angry to this day. Everything else is in the rearview.


I cant say how many times Ive asked "what kind of fool do you take me for?"


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

The lies, all the manipulations, the years of EA's and PA's. She left. I didnt even have to throw her out. She just knew I was done. She even left her children! After a whole year physical separation, she still stalls me with the Seperation Agreement! 

But to answer the OP's question. The lies. Past and present, and continuing. The stories keep changing. 

Gotta love people with:scratchhead: BPD!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ahhh good ol' BPD.

Pharmaceutical companies love that we buy into diagnosing people with these things. While I don't diminish that there are people out there who suffer with these maladies, I just can't stand that cheaters are being diagnosed by the oodles with it.

How about they get diagnosed with being an egotistical a-hole?


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

When I was out of the house, she sent me an impromptu pic pleasuring herself. We had a little fun and she sent me a few more pics... I later learned that this little session began with OM... He got every pic that night before I did... and he got more of them. 

And she wonder's why I feel like the #2 man in my own marriage? I asked her why she even bothered to include me in that sick little triangle of hers... But I guess the better question is why I still attempted R after that...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> Man, there are just so many things. Finding out that on the weeklong vacation I had with my family that she was NOT talking and texting her sister but her AP instead. Or is it the fact that I bought her a new car months AFTER she started seeing her AP. Or perhaps the day I caught her after she lied to myself and the kids about going shopping but I found her at the AP's house. Or perhaps it's the time I walked onto the deck to get my glass while she was on the phone and she yelled at me about giving her privacy while she talked to her sister (AP). Sigh..............


Looks like you Can'tDecide what annoys you the most...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

kindi said:


> Wow you have put up with a LOT.
> 
> Furthermore:
> 
> ...


No, I am not taking the blame for his EA actions..however if the marriage was not good prior than I have to take blame for my role in that aspect.

Thanks for your opinion but I guess any body here that has been cheated on it is easy to say just leave and get a divorce but people choose to stay for various reasons. There are worse situations than mine on her and there are probably better situations...and for whatever reason people choose to keep their marriage intact.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ...sorry...how could I forget...the fact that my husband had to wear a condom with me...his wife of 15.5 years because he chose not to wear one wth her....that because you "sleep with everyone your partner sleeps with, I am actually sleeping with her? Guess she slept with me and I slept with her SO.....I almost just threw up in my mouth.


OMG, not sure I could have ever gotten over that.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> What bugs me the most is knowing how she talked to my Mom and her parents about me. She would tell them I didn't "do enough" around the house or "help out" when I was home from a flight. Truth is, I did do stuff when I was home, unless I was only home on a 24 hour turn...then I really didn't feel like doing the dishes. I wanted family time.
> 
> Worse part about that was that I...me...I actually bought into it and purchased several books on becoming a better person and finding myself and all kinds of zen sh-t. And her parent's got me a real nice book by Tony Dungee about becoming a better man.
> 
> ...


Damn, Dig - that is some really serious sh*t right there. Wow.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

....and sometimes alot of people are real cut and dry about it...they think well if my spouse did that I would just leave but until you are in that situation you do not know. You have to look at the marriage, what the person was like prior, other issues that were happening (i.e. in my case H was put on SSRIS about 3 years ago and because they numb a person's feelings it made him very confused..they do not call SSRIs marriage killers for no reason..they are terrible!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> OMG, not sure I could have ever gotten over that.


....yep - had him do the whole STD tests, and right before he got the results back he broke out - down there - scared as heck it was herpes. Said that he wouldn't blame me if I left him. Mind you, this was when we were in false R...I think part of him hoped it was herpes - then I would probably drop him and they could be happy herpes together. Me thinking we were in R, I was devestated, but told him it could be other things, and said that whatever it was we would figure it out together. A part of me wanted it to be herpes to teach him a lesson. Is that bad? 

Oh - and it was shingles - what are the odds - down there - timing? Karma? Now if he ever breaks out again, it will probably be there and a reminder.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

highwood said:


> ....and sometimes alot of people are real cut and dry about it...they think well if my spouse did that I would just leave but until you are in that situation you do not know. You have to look at the marriage, what the person was like prior, other issues that were happening (i.e. in my case H was put on SSRIS about 3 years ago and because they numb a person's feelings it made him very confused..they do not call SSRIs marriage killers for no reason..they are terrible!


This is so true - and what is good for one person (what they feel in their heart to do) may not be right for someone else. I know my story - and it IS pretty sh*tty, but their are other on here that I think Oh My, I would walk - no question - and I am sure some people say that about me. You just never know. What you are capable of, what you feel, and what you know - it's all still personal even though we type it out here on TAMS. Thank God and Baby Jesus for TAMS


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> ....yep - had him do the whole STD tests, and right before he got the results back he broke out - down there - scared as heck it was herpes. Said that he wouldn't blame me if I left him. Mind you, this was when we were in false R...I think part of him hoped it was herpes - then I would probably drop him and they could be happy herpes together. Me thinking we were in R, I was devestated, but told him it could be other things, and said that whatever it was we would figure it out together. A part of me wanted it to be herpes to teach him a lesson. Is that bad?
> 
> Oh - and it was shingles - what are the odds - down there - timing? Karma? Now if he ever breaks out again, it will probably be there and a reminder.


I love this!!!! HA! Nothin like a good scare to snap em out of it!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Oh - and it was shingles - what are the odds - down there - timing? Karma? Now if he ever breaks out again, it will probably be there and a reminder.


You treat shingles and Genital Herpes with the same drug (I think it's a single dose antibiotic) assuming it is treated early enough. Did you actually see the Doctor's report, or did your husband tell you this? Doesn't cure Herpes but lessens the symptoms as well as the incidents of recurrence. 

Shingles can be extremely painful and can leave permanent nerve damage if it's not treated promptly. Talk about karma...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I love this!!!! HA! Nothin like a good scare to snap em out of it!


Unfortunately it did not snap him out of it. Affair still continued for 1.5 months. He never told her he thought he had herpes, but did tell her he had shingles - not sure where  You would have thought though, right?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Unfortunately it did not snap him out of it. Affair still continued for 1.5 months. He never told her he thought he had herpes, but did tell her he had shingles - not sure where  You would have thought though, right?


Eh, no now that I think about it , its not at all surprising. Im sorry, I was using my RATIONAL brain again. Damn it....


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Cedarman said:


> You treat shingles and Genital Herpes with the same drug (I think it's a single dose antibiotic) assuming it is treated early enough. Did you actually see the Doctor's report, or did your husband tell you this? Doesn't cure Herpes but lessens the symptoms as well as the incidents of recurrence.
> 
> Shingles can be extremely painful and can leave permanent nerve damage if it's not treated promptly. Talk about karma...


Yep - shingles - and I know - nerve damage - there - odds?!? I had hand sanitizer in every room of the house and kept my daughters from touching him or anything he touched. You would have thought that might have cut through the fog - nope. I made him wear long sleaves and stay completly covered up except for his face - I took no chances. He did his own laundry and I cleaned out the washer with bleach after every load. I even used my kids bathroom for showers. Is actually kinda funny now.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

LookingForTheSun said:


> Yep - shingles - and I know - nerve damage - there - odds?!? I had hand sanitizer in every room of the house and kept my daughters from touching him or anything he touched. You would have thought that might have cut through the fog - nope. I made him wear long sleaves and stay completly covered up except for his face - I took no chances. He did his own laundry and I cleaned out the washer with bleach after every load. I even used my kids bathroom for showers. Is actually kinda funny now.


Wow... I've had shingles twice now (once in my 20's and in my early 40's). Always on my back. Never worried about it being contagious. But I also think I was told stress can contribute to triggering it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Like others have said, the lies hurt the most.

When I confronted, I had a transcript of her having Cybersex with OM in my pocket.

Me: "I know you have been cheating on me."
WW; "I would never."
Me: "So you have never kissed another man?
WW: "no."
Me:"never let another grab your butt or breasts?"
WW:"no."
Me:"never exchanged texts or chats of a sexual nature."
WW:"no."
Me:"never sent a Facebook message to <POSOM NAME> telling him that he would feel good cumming inside you?"
WW:"oh, sh1t."

Yeah, point blank lying to my face. Deadpan, no nervousness at all until I quoted the proof. That hurts as much as the mind movies of another man banging my wife. The uncertainty of how much further she has gone and the possibility that she is still lying. The fact that I can't trust my bullsh1t detector. That hurts.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Racer said:


> Wow... I've had shingles twice now (once in my 20's and in my early 40's). Always on my back. Never worried about it being contagious. But I also think I was told stress can contribute to triggering it.


Yes - stress and suffering an injury - and he SHOULD HAVE BEEN STRESSED - and he did have a shoulder injury from hockey - and I took care of him while his arm was in a sling and he somehow managed to still text her...grrrr.....


OH - and also that he said he was attracted to her so he thought he was in love with her - what?!?!?

And he was on TAMS first looking for advice n what to do - and supposedly that snapped him out of the fog and he was giving his heart and soul to me if I would still have him. Then he went out and got tattoos of our girls names and birthdays on one arm and his and my name with our anniversary on the other....and he ended up sending her a pic of them when he told her goodbye AGAIN and she said they were ugly and why wasn't her name on there (for real - I coul not make this up). Yes, and even with the wedding band, the tatoos and the shingles, he was still fogged (f'd) up. 

Let me just say that I do love him very much and we have been in R since March and I am happy - if we didn't argue about the affair now, it would almost be perfect. Wish it didn't happen, but it did. Life goes on!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

3 years, 8 months into R here... It does get better. Just be warned though that when the 'drama' and 'discussions' of the affair start becoming less and less..... Things will feel "off". Almost like you feel dead inside without the rollercoaster you've been so used to having around. A sort of "twitchy" feeling comes along where you latch onto anything as a sign that things are amis.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Ahhh good ol' BPD.
> 
> Pharmaceutical companies love that we buy into diagnosing people with these things. While I don't diminish that there are people out there who suffer with these maladies, I just can't stand that cheaters are being diagnosed by the oodles with it.
> 
> How about they get diagnosed with being an egotistical a-hole?


Exactly!


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## ImTrying (Dec 14, 2012)

What got me the most when he came clean about his affair was that he was actually planning to not tell me, ever. If she had left her husband for him, he was just going to hide it the best he could until we divorced and let me go crazy thinking that my EA (which was me being addicted to a online game and playing the game with the OM and while playing I would vent to this guy about the marriage instead of talking to my husband. There was no sex chats or loving emotional attachment but still very poor judgement.) 5yrs prior was the sole reason we were divorcing. That it was purely ALL MY FAULT and he was the sole injured party.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Racer said:


> 3 years, 8 months into R here... It does get better. Just be warned though that when the 'drama' and 'discussions' of the affair start becoming less and less..... Things will feel "off". Almost like you feel dead inside without the rollercoaster you've been so used to having around. A sort of "twitchy" feeling comes along where you latch onto anything as a sign that things are amis.


I can see that - experienced it - we are 9 months into R - and at times, it is almost like we never skipped a beat and nothing happened - we are the great couple we once were - that makes me nervous sometimes. I want it - he wants it - but everything is still fresh. Hopefully with time it will wane - glad I am getting a glimpse of it now soI know what to expect. Honestly - I have reinvented myself since DD1 - physically, mentally (tougher), but my heart in regards to my family and love is still the same. I often wonder if that has anything or everything to do with it. I look better now than I did in my late 20's, and (I know this is conceited), but he should be attracted to me - I am sexy  So is it now only because of my looks or a combination of who I am and that, or he just realized what we have? All I know is that I am staying at the top of my game for whatever happens - for me. I don't want anyone else, but should he ever screw up again, when I am ready, I will have no hangups about myself and won't feel that I am not good enough or sexy enough for anyone. 

So, because he is attracted to me, he is in love with me? I hope it is so much more.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I can see that - experienced it - we are 9 months into R - and at times, it is almost like we never skipped a beat and nothing happened - we are the great couple we once were - that makes me nervous sometimes. .....


I've somewhat attributed it to the idea that it feels like it is going back to "the way it was". That didn't work out so hot for me, hence the "twitchy" feel. How I would work through it is look at how the dynamics between us is so much different and how differently I handle things now. Focus on the changes, not what is the same...


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

That he said he always loved her.
That I think of times when we doubled dated and the flirting she did with him but thought I was the crazy one.
How he laughed at me when I said if I didn't know any better I would think you have a girlfriend.
The fact he did not come clean to me for 2 days later, even when I asked him.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Lies, Lies, Lies, The fact that the OM was a good friend of mine for 20 years, and the knowledge that all those meals the three of us shared leading up to DD, and how they were smug with time together and I had no idea. But the #1 thing that bugs me. After I discovered the A, after she moved out, just before the D became final. I went thru my phone records (never did before as I trusted her completely) to find out that after having sex with me on Christmas Eve, she texted him, then again the first thing she did Christmas Morning when she woke up. And I didnt even know it was going on, and would not find out myself for 7 more months.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Being a fool. The years and years of them "taking away" my choices and options. Not having enough tangible evidence.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

there were many affair fog thinking and words but i think what hurt the most was a question i asked.
i asked you couldnt find a reason to respect me after 21years and he said he couldnt think of one thing.
that hurt, it was like my life and all i did was for nothing.

the people they turned into as well. cheating, lying, capable of many awful thoughtless and cruel actions.

those words remain triggers yo this day


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Racer said:


> 3 years, 8 months into R here... It does get better. Just be warned though that when the 'drama' and 'discussions' of the affair start becoming less and less..... Things will feel "off". Almost like you feel dead inside without the rollercoaster you've been so used to having around. A sort of "twitchy" feeling comes along where you latch onto anything as a sign that things are amis.


That's exactly how I feel now. Been so used to the roller coaster that I don't know how to handle the calm.

Oh, and to answer the OP question, a phrase she used when trying to explain why she did it. "Well we had gotten into a routine". It bugs me to this day. Lame excuse and deep seeded fear now of being routine.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> When I was out of the house, she sent me an impromptu pic pleasuring herself. We had a little fun and she sent me a few more pics... I later learned that this little session began with OM...
> 
> And she wonder's why I feel like the #2 man in my own marriage? I asked her why she even bothered to include me in that sick little triangle of hers...


What was her answer to why she included you in that triangle?

Then after thinking about that question. I wonder if she told OM she was sending you photos at the same time?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

30 Years later and still only know the tip of the ice berg.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

After she said she "needed some space to find herself" (i.e. moving out) and I found out about her EA, I confronted her asking if she'd gone to see him, which I knew she had. She fidgeted nervously and admitted it but insisted that they hadn't slept together. Then after giving me this story about them being soul-mates and how much he was helping her to "find herself" and "see all those things that she had been missing in her life" . . . after all this psycho-babble she said that he'd never done anything with her that she didn't want him to because. . . 

"He's too virtuous for that."

My head almost exploded.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

theroad said:


> What was her answer to why she included you in that triangle?
> 
> Then after thinking about that question. I wonder if she told OM she was sending you photos at the same time?


I never got a good answer from her, other than she was sorry...

I never even considered the other but I doubt it. My guess is that she just felt good having two men say nice things to her. The one she wanted and the one she felt guilty about not wanting anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

highwood said:


> I was thinking about this the other day and not withstanding the emails/phone calls, etc. that took place between H and his EA...one thing stands out for me still to this day that still bugs me...
> 
> That on DD#1 when H said to me as I was practically begging him:scratchhead: to stay in the marriage..that he commented that he was "not sure what he wanted"...to this day it still bugs the crap out of me that he said this.
> 
> ...


The deleted messages in her latest affair. I went to extreme length of finding out what has been deleted. I found out some - but the most important part has been deleted forever. It still bugs me most. I will recover from that only when I leave her, or find out what was deleted.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

The one incident that stands out in my mind... I had filed for D based on my suspicions that H was cheating, but he kept denying and I allowed myself to drink his kool-aid and to believe that I was over-reacting. So, then I embarked on an all-out effort to save our marriage.

We hadn't had sexual relations in about a year, and one weekend while on a trip I woke up to him ... to put it bluntly... letting me know that he had a case of morning wood. After performing my wifely duty, on my knees, to completion... and feeling as if it was part of a huge step forward for us... he told me later in the day that I had "taken advantage" of him and that he was half-asleep when it happened and that what we had done was "wrong".

You know... I don't own a penis... and I really don't know how you guys live with 'em. But I knew that his attempt to blame the incident on me was complete and utter BS. I've never felt more taken advantage of or more humilated than I did in that moment. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Not only was that the best blow job you'll ever get in your life, its also the last one you will ever get from me."


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Media_girl24 said:


> The one incident that stands out in my mind... I had filed for D based on my suspicions that H was cheating, but he kept denying and I allowed myself to drink his kool-aid and to believe that I was over-reacting. So, then I embarked on an all-out effort to save our marriage.
> 
> We hadn't had sexual relations in about a year, and one weekend while on a trip I woke up to him ... to put it bluntly... letting me know that he had a case of morning wood. After performing my wifely duty, on my knees, to completion... and feeling as if it was part of a huge step forward for us... he told me later in the day that I had "taken advantage" of him and that he was half-asleep when it happened and that what we had done was "wrong".
> 
> You know... I don't own a penis... and I really don't know how you guys live with 'em. But I knew that his attempt to blame the incident on me was complete and utter BS. I've never felt more taken advantage of or more humilated than I did in that moment. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Not only was that the best blow job you'll ever get in your life, its also the last one you will ever get from me."


Wow,really!? he said that?
Thats nuts,crazy nuts.
My wife take care of me like that and I love it.
I also love going down on her,I could stay down there for hours,I love to feel her shake and moan and it relieves a lot of stress for her.
She has to make me stop sometimes,I really get into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> What bugs you the most of your discovery of your WS's A?


That I wasn't enough of a man for her. That she needed someone else.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I know this will sound petty and even sexist, but my head is a mess. The thing that bothers me the most, the thing that my thoughts always goes back to when the mind movies are playing, it that she had *unprotected* sex with these men. The idea that she allowed them to ejaculate into her makes it seem so much worse. I can't stand the thought of their semen inside her.

What if she had gotten pregnant? Or worse gotten a disease and given it to me? Or worst of all, gotten a disease like HIV and given it to me causing our kids to become orphans?

I know this is a ridiculous thing to focus on. But like I said, my head is a mess. I'm just answering the question as honestly as I can.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

It was who the POSOM is. Here's why - He is an ex of hers, and when they split in '86 she was initially OK and our relationship started and we were doing OK, then one day she came to me inconsolable, floods of tears, sackcloth and ashes, full on misery because she had found out that about a month before they split he had been on a sales conference in a mainland european city famous for its drugs and wh0res - and on both nights he had (on his expenses - he was proud of that) had prostitutes in his hotel room. And she has somehow now forgotten this little detail. amazing.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That I wasn't enough of a man for her. That she needed someone else.


NO NO. She did NOT NEED someone else. She felt ENTITLED to someone else just like every other WS. Mine, yours and every other one here. ENTITLED. NOt a NEED but rather a WANT. Hell I WANT some ice cream right now but I wont have it for fear of my arse spreading. I WANT a million dollars. I WANT a d*ck for a day. But I dont NEED any of those things. Your wife didnt NEED another man. But she felt ENTITLED to one. Just like my H felt ENTITLED to another woman. WHY settle for just ONE, when you can have TWO?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> I know this will sound petty and even sexist, but my head is a mess. The thing that bothers me the most, the thing that my thoughts always goes back to when the mind movies are playing, it that she had *unprotected* sex with these men. The idea that she allowed them to ejaculate into her makes it seem so much worse. I can't stand the thought of their semen inside her.
> 
> What if she had gotten pregnant? Or worse gotten a disease and given it to me? Or worst of all, gotten a disease like HIV and given it to me causing our kids to become orphans?
> 
> I know this is a ridiculous thing to focus on. But like I said, my head is a mess. I'm just answering the question as honestly as I can.


NOT petty. Its how you feel. THAT is a very intimate thing and should have been reserved only for YOU. Not petty at all and Im so sorry.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> I know this will sound petty and even sexist, but my head is a mess. The thing that bothers me the most, the thing that my thoughts always goes back to when the mind movies are playing, it that she had *unprotected* sex with these men. The idea that she allowed them to ejaculate into her makes it seem so much worse. I can't stand the thought of their semen inside her.
> 
> What if she had gotten pregnant? Or worse gotten a disease and given it to me? Or worst of all, gotten a disease like HIV and given it to me causing our kids to become orphans?
> 
> I know this is a ridiculous thing to focus on. But like I said, my head is a mess. I'm just answering the question as honestly as I can.


No. It's actually not a ridiculous thing. My wife had a 5 year long affair. That's how it went. I'm a little over 9 months in dealing with it. Still fcks with my head. She couldn't have gotten pregnant because she had her tubes tied. It's just...f'ng wrong. That's what it is.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Everything bugged me about her affair. different things bugged me more on different days...it was always changing. For a long time there was a never ending stream of things that would occupy my mind. 

Here is just a few.
Her not willing to tell me the whole truth or answer questions. The fact that I had to find out details from the OM's wife. The unprotected sex in sneaky, cheap locations while I was at work or home with our kids. During that time, me craving it from her and her avoiding me as much as possible and me wondering why. Her allowing me to go down on her and have sex knowing she was having unprotected sex with POSOM...no regard for my health. The years of lying to me and our children after multiple "D" days. Her blaming me for her affair. The fact that I was the one doing everything in our marriage, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, kids, working and paying all the bills...etc, while she was doing the absolute minimum while running around with her POSOM. I feel like I made it possible for them. I was doing all of the work and he was getting the rewards.

...and that's just for starters.


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

theroad said:


> What was her answer to why she included you in that triangle?
> 
> Then after thinking about that question. I wonder if she told OM she was sending you photos at the same time?


 I think she sent the pictures to you by mistake! Just GOOD at covering her ass!


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

canttrustu and SomedayDig - thanks for letting me know I'm not crazy. I wasn't sure if that was a rational (not that any of this is rational) thing to think about or not. It helps knowing I'm not the only one.


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## kruppmart (May 10, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> I know this will sound petty and even sexist, but my head is a mess. The thing that bothers me the most, the thing that my thoughts always goes back to when the mind movies are playing, it that she had *unprotected* sex with these men. The idea that she allowed them to ejaculate into her makes it seem so much worse. I can't stand the thought of their semen inside her.
> 
> What if she had gotten pregnant? Or worse gotten a disease and given it to me? Or worst of all, gotten a disease like HIV and given it to me causing our kids to become orphans?
> 
> I know this is a ridiculous thing to focus on. But like I said, my head is a mess. I'm just answering the question as honestly as I can.


Same here, besides the facts I already posted here, and many more.
I should have known better. When she was married the first time, with 3 little children, she established a 5 year PA with a loser, including at least one pregnancy and abortion. Got divorced over that.
Than it was my turn :scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> NO NO. She did NOT NEED someone else. She felt ENTITLED to someone else just like every other WS. Mine, yours and every other one here. ENTITLED. NOt a NEED but rather a WANT. Hell I WANT some ice cream right now but I wont have it for fear of my arse spreading. I WANT a million dollars. I WANT a d*ck for a day. But I dont NEED any of those things. Your wife didnt NEED another man. But she felt ENTITLED to one. Just like my H felt ENTITLED to another woman. WHY settle for just ONE, when you can have TWO?


Intellectually, I know that. But the non-thinking but reacting part of my brain? It thought otherwise.

But thanks for reminding me of why it was me who just took my wife a late night cup of tea and nobody else!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Intellectually, I know that. But the non-thinking but reacting part of my brain? It thought otherwise.
> 
> But thanks for reminding me of why it was me who just took my wife a late night cup of tea and nobody else!


I completely understand the ideal of conflict between what your head knows and what your heart feels. Its the very crux of the pain of R right? You know this person is capable of these horrible things but you want to believe them when they tell you they have changed. My head tells me Im not plan B but my heart, oh my heart has a very different opinion.


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## twoforwardoneback (Dec 3, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> OH Im really hoping for a good while before I see her. Im not sure what my reaction to her would be. Im sure she would insist on talking to my H like she's innocent....then I might just lose my ****. Might see my H posting on TAM " CTU goes to jail for giving AP what she so desperately deserved".


oh my goodness, i saw her AGAIN on the weekend... i was out with some friends in a bar and she came up to me and begged me to forgive her.... aaaarggggghhhhhh....!!!!! I said 'um, no... i don't need to do that. you need to forgive yourself. go away, i have nothing to say to you other than ... go away & goodbye.'


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

twoforwardoneback said:


> oh my goodness, i saw her AGAIN on the weekend... i was out with some friends in a bar and she came up to me and begged me to forgive her.... aaaarggggghhhhhh....!!!!! I said 'um, no... i don't need to do that. you need to forgive yourself. go away, i have nothing to say to you other than ... go away & goodbye.'


Like I said- I know its gonna happen- Lord help me. And good on you, you did a great job. Not sure I'll be so calm. The more time the better.


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## twoforwardoneback (Dec 3, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Like I said- I know its gonna happen- Lord help me. And good on you, you did a great job. Not sure I'll be so calm. The more time the better.



The calming effect of gin and tonic cannot be underestimated


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

The worst things about the unveiling of my WH's PA include: 
1. trickle truth, so many I can't even list
2. repeated Dday's due to the fact that the A was just deeper underground and that we were in False R for the better part of a year
3. the gaslighting/psychological abuse towards me whenever I triggered and he made me believe I was wrongfully suspicious or even "technologically dumb" to be coming to that conclusion. The truth was that I was RIGHT.
4. believing for a long period during False R that I was the one who was inadequate, that his lack of passion for me was due to my own shortcomings
5. getting genital herpes after resuming sexual intimacy with my H when he told me the A was just an EA, and that he had sent a no contact email saying that the EA was over. He had some sort of rash that I questioned, I asked again about whether or not the A was a PA and he denied it. 
6. not being diligent with verification to pick up on the false R much sooner

Not necessarily in order of imortance. They are all awful.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> The worst things about the unveiling of my WH's PA include:
> 1. trickle truth, so many I can't even list
> 2. repeated Dday's due to the fact that the A was just deeper underground and that we were in False R for the better part of a year
> 3. the gaslighting/psychological abuse towards me whenever I triggered and he made me believe I was wrongfully suspicious or even "technologically dumb" to be coming to that conclusion. The truth was that I was RIGHT.
> ...


are you still with him?


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## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

I am with him at the moment. I started to interview lawyers last week and told him that I just don't care anymore. Our common ground is the love for our 2 daughters and wishing to spare them of any ongoing harm - either by divorcing or staying in a marriage full of deceit. I have quit trying to "save" the marriage and am just focusing on my own integrity which means taking the necessary steps towards divorce. He is pleading to rebuild for the girls and for us. I have told him that it is 100% up to him, as I am done pulling the sled. If there has been enough substantial healthy action on his part before papers are filed, then so be it, and I will reconsider. But right now, I am focused on having a nice Christmas for our children, and then resuming the legal work after the holidays.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This one is not really about his affair but it bugs me a lot nonetheless and I need to vent. Anyway, my ex claimed that in the past, I threatened to kill myself if we ever broke up. This is ridiculous and never happened. I left him once before this and for much smaller issues than his cheating or addiction. If he really thinks he's so great that I'd consider offing myself if I couldn't be with him, he's nuts. Out of all of the things I've been through and gotten over in my life, I am pretty sure that nobody needs to hide the rope over me losing an underachieving, uneducated, functional alcoholic that's addicted to Internet porn. Somehow, just somehow I think I'll manage to cope.  

Another thing that bugs me is that for YEARS I (*stupidly*), put up with his jealousy and false accusations about cheating, flirting or otherwise inappropriate behavior. I chalked it up to him being insecure from having been cheated on in the past and put up with it. I was treated like the perpetrator even though I never cheated and I tolerated it because I wanted to love him through it and earn _his_ trust. Then to top it off, he repays my loyalty and patience by cheating on me.

When we were together, he'd criticize me for playing video games or writing on forums like Yahoo Answers in my free time. All the while, he was spending far more time than I did on the computer because I'm the one that did most of the cleaning, cooking, and child rearing. And the whole time he was criticizing me, he was using his own computer to watch and download porn and to find women to screw off of the Internet.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

It still bothers me that even though I suspected she was cheating for years, confronted without proof... I did not seek out help in finding the truth.

Cmon man, all it would of taken was...10 min on the Inet, read the warning signs, how to go about "finding" the truth in her infidelity. Really, 5 min of VAR, just look at the stupid cell phone bill, log the mileage in the car. Was I really stupid or just really in disbelief?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

RWB said:


> It still bothers me that even though I suspected she was cheating for years, confronted without proof... I did not seek out help in finding the truth.
> 
> Cmon man, all it would of taken was...10 min on the Inet, read the warning signs, how to go about "finding" the truth in her infidelity. Really, 5 min of VAR, just look at the stupid cell phone bill, log the mileage in the car. Was I really stupid or just really in disbelief?


Know this feeling. When I discovered what I thought was an EA, I didn't really dig further. I was totally in denial. Wanting to believe that an EA is much less damaging - not realizing that an EA quickly morphs into a PA and that gaslighting and trickle truthing are typical behaviours of a DS.

I guess I wanted to believe the best of my STBXW. So I overlooked the obvious. In my own defense, my STBXW is quite a skillful liar. Especially when I wanted to believe what she was saying. Almost a sociopathic skill at deception.

ETA: Was actually posting on another board during the discovery of the EA. Wish I had found this board years ago. Would have helped.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RWB said:


> It still bothers me that even though I suspected she was cheating for years, confronted without proof... I did not seek out help in finding the truth.
> 
> Cmon man, all it would of taken was...10 min on the Inet, read the warning signs, how to go about "finding" the truth in her infidelity. Really, 5 min of VAR, just look at the stupid cell phone bill, log the mileage in the car. Was I really stupid or just really in disbelief?


You and Cedarman may have been blindsided by friends and acquaintances who chastised you for wanting to know more; that you couldn't just trust your spouse; maybe you have trust issues, how immature and so on......


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> You and Cedarman may have been blindsided by friends and acquaintances who chastised you for wanting to know more; that you couldn't just trust your spouse; maybe you have trust issues, how immature and so on......


No, I was blindsided by my own denial. In fact, when I finally told close friends and family, many were not surprised as all had noticed my wife's change in behaviour. All, including me, thought it was MLC. It was - but my STBXW acted out her fantasies vs working them out.

Feel pretty foolish when I look back. But keep in mind, this is a woman I had known, at the time, for over 23 years. We had a long term marriage (just separated before our 25th Anniversary). We tried to R - but it was a false R because my wife allowed me to believe it was "just" and EA when it already morphed into a PA.

It bugs me that I could have dug deeper in 2009 when I started suspecting and 2010 when I discovered the relationship. 

I'm moving on, but it still bothers me when I think about it.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

What bugs me most:

1. Above all, the LIES. 
How stupid does she think I am? I knew the answers to every question I asked. I was giving her opportunity after opportunity to be open and honest. Fail. My favorite one *"You have NOTHING to worry about!"*

2. The emotional abuse.
Keep in mind this is after 10 years of an EXCELLENT, active sex life, frequently initiated by both:
"You make me feel so unloved I can't even masturbate"
"I haven't been feeling it for years. I did you out of a sense of duty"
"I have to be drunk to even get in the mood"
"I don't even feel warmth from your hugs"
"Obviously you don't know how a woman works"
"Ugh. Get away of me"
"I feel stuck with you"

3. The blameshifting and painting marriage black.
"You kept me at arms length"
"You treat me like a commodity"
"You never made me feel special"
"We got married for the wrong reasons"
"You don't want me to be my own woman"
"You just want a 50's housewife"
"You pushed me into it"
"You're just jealous"
"You never made me happy"

4. Indecision.
"I don't know"
"I don't know"
"I don't know"
"I don't know"
"I don't know"
"I don't know"


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Answer: What a complete dumbass my xWF turned out to be.

From what I saw in text and email, the POSOM told her things like, "I will always be there for you and never treat you wrong." This was after a supposed ONS, mind you. Then later, she tries to meet him again with the fantastic news that our marriage was off. He avoids her and goes dark on her. Then she starts emailing him about how he promised to "always be there for her and never treat her wrong" and how he broke that promise.

I was blown away when I read that. I actually stopped feeling hurt and realized that I had been engaged to the absolute dumbest woman I had ever dated. I mean, who believes that garbage? Additionally, what kind of a sorry-assed man would actually write that crap? And since then it's bothered me that THIS was the woman I had almost settled down with; someone with the interpersonal sophistication of a 12-year-old.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

So the POSOM lived in another city and I was set to travel to this city in the near future for work. At the same time I would be there, he would be here in our city. 

On DDay (about a week before I was to travel) I find an email chain between them. Among other things in the correspondence was a joke my wife made about setting me up with his wife while I was down there and he was up here. They had a good laugh over that. 

It was at this moment that I realized not only had my wife been having a 4-month affair with this a$$, but that she thought of me as the butt of her jokes. The rage I felt was VERY hard to control.

The other thing I REALLY hated was that in the initial days and weeks after DDay, she kept saying things like, "I really think you and POSOM would have been friends, in different circumstances. I think you guys would a lot in common."

Right. Because I have lots of friends who do things like sleeping with other people's wives, breaking up families with young children etc. I mean, the best friends are the ones that are completely selfish and lack any form of empathy or morals. :scratchhead:

She now knows all of this was the fog at work. She recognizes the POSOM for what he was. She knows he is nothing more than a sad little boy in man's body.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> S
> The other thing I REALLY hated was that in the initial days and weeks after DDay, she kept saying things like, "I really think you and POSOM would have been friends, in different circumstances. I think you guys would a lot in common."
> 
> Right. Because I have lots of friends who do things like sleeping with other people's wives, breaking up families with young children etc. I mean, the best friends are the ones that are completely selfish and lack any form of empathy or morals. :scratchhead:


I got this one too. "I really think you and OM would be good friends... he's just like you." 

"You too are so similar, that's why I feel comfortable with him"

Um, no. He's nothing like me. He's a homewrecker. He is NOT an honorable man. He repeatedly let a married woman stay over night at his house. He texted a married woman 400 times a month. I have had many opportunities to do those things. I always chose not to. I wouldn't even drive a married female coworker home from the bar because it was inappropriate. I called her a cab instead. That's who I am. That's not who he is. 

Completely different.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Whay really gets me is how we were in MC and she kept telling me how hard she was fighting for our marriage,how "broken" she was and how she could walk away knowing she did all she could.
Yeah,while the whole time she was talking to her twice convicted felon POS.
I'm gald she pulled her head out of her ass.
I'm gald I took her back also,POS would have hurt her bad,real bad.
I shouldnt have to have gone through all that crap,so wrong.
Sometimes I want her to feel how much it hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Dday1 (chat room endearing convos with chics) right after first year anniversary... Dd2 on day of 2nd year anniversary. The fact that he went to a strip club and got a strippers number the night we were celebrating our anniversary. That forevermore anniversaries are reminders of the ugliness of life. Realizing "our marriage" is one "of those" tainted or failed marriages. Loss of the belief in destiny and that we were meant to be together. These come to mind. Two years of marriage and straying so soon. And most of all that it's left me an ugluer person. I have less faith in this world and my self-esteem is at it lowest point ever. I feel like he took a beautiful talented girl and shattered her dreams. He did. He turned beauty into garbage and i'm so tired of this ugly world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

When you get right down to it, what bugs me the most since the discovery of my wife's EA/PA is that I have not gone a single day without thinking about it. That's 2.5 years since discovering what I thought was an EA and 2 months since finding out that it was actually a PA. Oh, I've made progress - but it still dominates my thoughts even though I feel like I am moving on. I used to be a trusting, carefree guy - but still feel very angry and bitter.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Cedarman said:


> When you get right down to it, what bugs me the most... is that *I have not gone a single day *without thinking about it.
> 
> 2.5 years... since finding out... but it still dominates my thoughts *even though I feel like I am moving on.
> *


Exactly... 

3+ years here... and not an hour goes by that I doesn't pass through my conscience. No longer sharp jabs at my heart... dull aches that leaves my head shaking. 

I have pretty much just excepted, regardless, I will probably just have to live with the memories.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

RWB said:


> Exactly...
> 
> 3+ years here... and not an hour goes by that I doesn't pass through my conscience. No longer sharp jabs at my heart... dull aches that leaves my head shaking.
> 
> I have pretty much just excepted, regardless, I will probably just have to live with the memories.


"Not Just Friends" has a couple chapters about how discovery of an A is a traumatic event and the effects can be very similar to PTSD. It goes into depth on how to deal with/overcome the recurring flashbacks of D-Day.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

What bugs me is that my stbxw just wouldn't stop going back and lying to me all the time about her talking/fvcking him. And, the POSOM knew I knew, yet he kept on banging my wife.

That wasn't what REALLY bothered me though. What really got me was my stbxw's absolute resolve to not work on our marriage AT ALL. She was out of love and that was it, F Carlton, F the kids. Well, F her. Still, she is full steam ahead with the divorce. Fine by me.

She didn't even want to work on it before. I never knew it was this bad to her. I got 4 counseling sessions prior to the affair, not even marriage counseling, and one date (unbeknownst to me) to "give me a last chance." Even though she was saying sh!t like "I miss you" to the other man prior to my last chance in emails. Full blown EA. What a load of crap.

Now I have a big load of crap to deal with, divorce.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

RWB said:


> Exactly...
> 
> 3+ years here... and not an hour goes by that I doesn't pass through my conscience. No longer sharp jabs at my heart... dull aches that leaves my head shaking.
> 
> I have pretty much just excepted, regardless, I will probably just have to live with the memories.


This is disheartening. I'm at 5 months since DD and since about 1 month I've been looking forward to the day I can wake up and say "Wow, I didn't think about it at all yesterday". Then I realized that would mean I was thinking about it first thing in the morning but you get the point.

We took a cruise the first week of November (4 months from DD) and going into it I thought I'd have such a great time and be so preoccupied I'd have a day or two without thinking about it. No such luck. It was after this that I began to give up hope thinking it would ever go away.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I am right at 6 months out of DDay2 and I think it is my main stream of thought 100% of the time. The anti depressants make it less painful but those will have to stop one day.

Then what?

Like everyone says it is a big sh!t sandwich.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

DD it gets better.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

That I married such a selfish and dishonest person in the first place. What a freaking mistake that was. My bad for that all the way... I did ask her. How did I not see it, love and inexperience was truly blind.


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## ready2run (Dec 8, 2012)

My husband never knew how to erase calls/texts from his phone....and then he magically did. When I accused him of doing it after the affair he made a comment along the lines of "she showed me how to do it". The though of them together plotting how to fool/decieve me still hurts horribly...the fact she threw things up about me in my face that she should not have known...he told her. It hurt more than words can express.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

One more, 
That by essentially getting involved in a EA he put it across to her that he was "available"...... When that sinks into your head it burns. So hard to get over that. They also plotted how to meet, in holland of all places. She was willing to "wait" for him until he could shed his wife and two small boys as if we were a case of bad lice to be scrubbed away.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Ready2run......your post hit me in the gut.....it's the plotting behind our backs that just lay you out raw. Like finding out your spouse is a hired assassin hired to kill you.


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