# Angry, need advice



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

This one is probably simple.

It is 4am and I'm downstairs seething. I can't go back to sleep.

I woke up, bad dream or something. The fan rattles, and I can't go back to sleep. My wife asks, what am I doing. I said, the fan is rattling, I can't get back to sleep.

She says "Glad you can't get back to sleep, your daughter woke up vomiting"

I am thinking she is upset that I did not get up and help. I'm like "you did not wake me up". Honest I did sleep thru that. Told her "If you want my help, you have to wake me up". is this too much to ask, wake me up. I'd gladly get up, without complaint. I don't get this. I'm pissed as hell. She gets up, tells me my ass gets to sleep in tomorrow (I have the day off tomorrow, I work demanding job), but she has to work, for me not to keep her up... I tell her she has to stop the smart ass remarks. She gets up and goes to my kids room to sleep. I'm downstairs cause now I can't sleep (read: angry).

How am I accountable for something I did not wake up for, how is she so sweet sometimes, and so selfish and bitter other times? How do I communicate without telling her to grow up... which will piss her off to no end?


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

She kicked the dog.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I don't get the reference, I don't have a dog, or kicked the bucket? help?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

apparently you do have a dog and just don't know it. You sir are the dog!


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I get that.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Not your fault. She's in a sheety mood. Don't worry about it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nobody's at their best when they're exhausted. Your wife has to be to work in the morning and she's been awakened at least twice last night. The first time might have been for quite a while.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Your right. I have been expecting to be exempt from forms of disrespect, but I reackon no body is perfect. I have not been asleep since I woke with that. She gets up in an hour. 

How f'd up am I.... I'm considering making her breakfast and thanking her for taking care of our little one. I feel like she don't deserve it and I should be an ass instead, but I feel like I'll probably do less damage bringing eggs and bacon, with coffee upstairs. 

Rewarding bad actions? Or is this really just a case of tired exhausted lady?

I've been tired before, real tired. I don't see myself ever "kicking the dog". 

I'm not so angry anymore, I've cooled.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Bring her breakfast. She will appreciate it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't grovel. You are right if she wants help she needs to ask for it. 

I think what you said was perfect. Let it rest at that. If you start explaining or defending yourself, she will take the opportunity to express anger. Don't let her. 

I've been there so I know what I'm talking about. Being unreasonable early in the AM with a sick child happens. But be calm and don't say you are sorry. Just calmly tell her what to do next time then let her stew. Be nice, so this does escalate. 

It's not about sleep anyway. When things calm down, find out what she is really angry about. If it is reasonable, work on it together. Meaning she works on her part and you yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

tell her to shut up and stop being a resentful shrew.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Is this a common occurrence?...Does she play the "martyr" for doing things that she should be doing....Do a job, then get snarky because you didn't help, even when you didn't know she was doing it?

We were talking last week, and I said "we should turn in, this is trash night"...The trash truck comes at 7:30 AM and I have to get up at 7:00 sharp to get it to the curb......

She gets p!ssed and says she will carry it down tonight, so I won't be "put upon"....I all but begged her not to, but she dragged it down....Of course in the morning it was obvious the ***** had a high old time, tearing through the bags for snacks......

Another biggie is her martyrdom to raking leaves....She will exhaust herself raking and bagging leaves, when my riding mower and mulching blade do a better and much faster job.....

Or trimming hedges, she will work in the hot sun for 4 hours when I have offered to work an hour a day till it is done...Her way or nothing.....She says she gets frustrated and feels overwhelmed so she does it all at once....

I am 66 and walk with a cane, and an hour at a time is my limit...

How do you fix it.....Tell me when you find out....

the woodchuck


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I relate to this post so badly that it hurts. 



FrusteratedJoey said:


> She says "Glad you can't get back to sleep, your daughter woke up vomiting"


Yup. Been there, done that. I used different words, but had the same intent, except I think I tend to be meaner. If I were slipping so badly that I'd have this conversation today, I would probably say something sarcastic like "Father of the Year shows up again" or something other attempt to demean my DH's fathering skills.



> I am thinking she is upset that I did not get up and help.


Yeah, pretty much. If she's like me she's ticked off because:

1. You slept through your daughter being sick
2. She is doing the parenting work
3. She is doing the parenting work even though she has to get up in the morning to work and you don't.



> I'm like "you did not wake me up". Honest I did sleep thru that. Told her "If you want my help, you have to wake me up". is this too much to ask, wake me up. I'd gladly get up, without complaint.


Yup, this makes sense. #1, #2 and #3 are on her- all she needed to do was to give you a shake and say, "Hey, dd is sick. I work in the morning and you're off tomorrow-can you help her?" You would have woken up, taken on the parenting role, and she would have slept, easy peasy, right?



> I tell her she has to stop the smart ass remarks.


It was bad behavior on her part to give you a hard time for sleeping through your daughter being sick.

It was bad behavior on your part to also be disrespectful. You could have said something like "Sorry you're upset. If she's sick again just give me a shake and I'll take care of it." Instead, you fed into her anger.

So she's not perfect, you're not perfect. IME it is really difficult to be reasonable when one's woken up in the middle of the night.



> How am I accountable for something I did not wake up for


You're not accountable. 

(Now, if you were the only parent home and you didn't wake up while she was sick, you'd be accountable for anything that resulted. It sounds stupid to say this, but these are the kind of things that I think up. When my DH doesn't recognize a danger or when he sleeps through stuff, it takes my trust in his parenting down a notch. It might not be right, but I know I am not the only parent who thinks this way. I am throwing it in here because if you guys talk about this, she might tell you she thinks like this as well. In reality, chances are that you would have woken up, but she got to it first.)



> how is she so sweet sometimes, and so selfish and bitter other times?


She's human, like the rest of us. 



> How do I communicate without telling her to grow up... which will piss her off to no end?


IMO it is not your place to tell her to "grow up", but it is your place to tell her that you are not OK with her being nasty and disrespectful. You're likely to get farther faster if you take the truthful tact of "I am not happy with how you spoke to me last night. I know you were upset, and I appreciate that you took care of our daughter. Thank you for that. However, your attitude and behavior towards me was crap. It is unacceptable." 

You might be surprised and get an apology from her if you hold her accountable. Once again, been there, done that on both sides.

Hopefully your daughter is feeling better and you all get some sleep tonight! This is one of those small joys of having kids and being married.....


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

She's upset and tired and she lashed out. If this isn't a common occurence, then I would do what has been suggested here:

Offer her breakfast, and say something to the effect of what RoseAglow suggested. "I love you, and I'm grateful that you are such a good mother to our children. However, if you really needed help I would have been happy to help you, and there was no need for you to take your frustration out on me. Just let me know next time, okay?"


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Is this a common occurrence?...Does she play the "martyr" for doing things that she should be doing....Do a job, then get snarky because you didn't help, even when you didn't know she was doing it?
> 
> We were talking last week, and I said "we should turn in, this is trash night"...The trash truck comes at 7:30 AM and I have to get up at 7:00 sharp to get it to the curb......
> 
> ...


Holy crap.. been living with a martyr for 15+ years.. I don't think there is a fix outside of leaving, or running away screaming "I'm free!" more like it...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

My ex would complain and tell me "I've been with him all day" (our son) to which I would offer to take him with me after work to the park or some other activity to give her a break. I also would wake up every Saturday and Sunday morning to feed him and take him out of the house to burn some energy. Did this for years before we divorced. She was constantly complaining and honestly I became resentful since I was able to work a full day, watch our son and take care of him after work and not complain. I guess when you are selfish and self centered, being a mother is just not for you. I love spending time with my little man and don't see bathing him, reading to him and keeping him from dangerous pointy things as work. Ex wanted a Disney Parade everytime she did something for him. Takers make ****ty mothers and even crappier wives. 

I think SAHM's are great but if you are one and constantly whine then go get a job. Its not the hardest job in the world, its the most important.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> Holy crap.. been living with a martyr for 15+ years.. I don't think there is a fix outside of leaving, or running away screaming "I'm free!" more like it...


Martyr's have to be the worse choice for a partner ever. My ex would claim she was tired after sleeping in until 9:30 AM (yes thats sleeping in lazy asses) and not having our son to watch (she was a SAHM) until late afternoon on weekends because I took over on the weekends. I also would give her "breaks" after work for several hours and she would say she was dead tired around 7:00 PM to which she would get my "Give me a Fn Break" face. 

My mom would just laugh at me and roll her eyes at her when she was only dealing with one kid. My mom raised two boys 1 year apart with almost zero help from my dad since he worked many hours. My mom also worked and never complained being a mom.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

[email protected] Woodchuck. Honestly, your wife was tired and irritated that she had to get up so she took it out on you. My husband gives me a guilt trip when I do this. Like last night I snapped at him for falling asleep during the movie. Then he put his hand on my face and was like, "Babe, I just had a really exhausting day at work. I'll try to stay awake for the rest." Then I feel really guilty. Apologize. We kiss. I love when we make up.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She was clearly out of line, but she was acting out of emotions. She was jealous that you had the day off and she had to work. Cleaning up after a throwing up child is not easy either. She should apologize for her behavior.

Hubby and I both take on the task regardless and who's ever awake will wake up the other to help. 

The last time my daughter was sick, I was helping her wash her hair in the shower at 1am. She flung her hair and got puke in my mouth. Her hair is down to her butt and she threw up all over her hair and bed. That was so gross. I ended up getting the same stomach virus 4 days later. I've never ever had that in my mouth before and I had been raising children for quite a while.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I never really understood that either ... my wife used to accuse me being selfish when my children were young because I would sleep through those types of things. I am a VERY sound sleeper. I typically keep 3 alarms to help get me up in the morning. I don't get to sleep very easily but when I do I am OUT.* I was more than happy to help no matter what time it was, I helped with everything else ... she just needed to wake me up.* Something about mommies ... they get this radar for trouble and can wake up to the sound of a pin dropping ... and for some reason don't understand why daddies don't get this too. 

Ahh well, we got through it.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

So, what if you were a single dad and your little baby was sick in the middle of the night throwing up? Would you be too out of it as you say?

My husband is a light sleeper so when our kids were babies, he always got up first and always tended to them and let me sleep. When he was exhausted, he'd wake me up or ask me to do it (since most the time I'm awake too but he just takes the initiative even knowing I'm awake as well), and I would without hesitation. There were instances where I was exhausted and asked him but rarely. He's always been on top of things. I guess I just don't understand how a husband can not hear a sick baby crying.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> So, what if you were a single dad and your little baby was sick in the middle of the night throwing up? Would you be too out of it as you say?
> 
> My husband is a light sleeper so when our kids were babies, he always got up first and always tended to them and let me sleep. When he was exhausted, he'd wake me up or ask me to do it (since most the time I'm awake too but he just takes the initiative even knowing I'm awake as well), and I would without hesitation. There were instances where I was exhausted and asked him but rarely. He's always been on top of things. I guess I just don't understand how a husband can not hear a sick baby crying.


Well, if your husband is a light sleeper then I can see why you don't understand how.

I probably could adjust if I was a single dad. I do know that I can be on alert for a short period of time. I did play single dad several times but they were never more than a couple of days. I would tend to drift in and out keeping a constant ear out. I don't think I could keep that up for very long. My guess is that it is instinctual to a mother and would only become an instinct to me as the father out of necessity.

I have untreated sleep apnea. Extremely large tonsils that my parents decided not to take care of is the diagnosis my doctor gives me. My doctor is trying to convince me to get them removed ... something that I've heard is very difficult at my age. It is almost impossible to wake me up. Those 3 alarms I have are on opposite sides of the bed. I have them cranked up all the way to really obnoxious radio stations. They wake my daughters up clear across the house but I don't even hear them sometimes ... right next to my head. I have to get a full nights sleep to have a good chance of the alarms waking me up. We had a rare earthquake here in the morning a couple years back. Woke everybody up in the house ... except me. They told me all about it later.

Now, I am not a lazy person and I don't sleep all the time ... I am simply a very deep sleeper. I was (and still am) a good father despite the middle of the night thing. I basically took over for my wife when I got home from work. The evening routine was mine (and frequently the morning routine) and I loved it. I've changed a thousand diapers including the first ones for each daughter. I have a well worn rocking chair I used to get them to sleep. Just because I am not a light sleeper and I wasn't on full alert all the time doesn't mean I was negligent as a father. All she would have had to do is hit me upside the head to wake me up (which is what it would take) and I would have taken care of it.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I did play single dad several times but they were never more than a couple of days. I would tend to drift in and out keeping a constant ear out. I don't think I could keep that up for very long.


What you just described is why mothers are often very sleep-deprived.



> My guess is that it is instinctual to a mother and would only become an instinct to me as the father out of necessity.


I used to be a very heavy sleeper, would sleep through alarms, have slept through earthquakes, etc. That all ended upon becoming a mom.

I think Moms develop the instinct out of necessity, as you noted you likely would if you were the only one responsible.

If I let it, I can, and have, become very resentful that my husband doesn't have the same instinct. I believe it is because it isn't a "necessity"; I will wake up and take care of it.

My way around the whole resentment thing is just to accept it and wake him up when I need him to.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> *What you just described is why mothers are often very sleep-deprived.
> *
> 
> I used to be a very heavy sleeper, would sleep through alarms, have slept through earthquakes, etc. That all ended upon becoming a mom.
> ...


Right. The priorities are different. I cannot be "very sleep-deprived" and be effective at my job. In my case, my wife was a SAHM and I was the sole bread winner. I helped out as often as I could but she still shouldered the majority of the work. It would be different if we both worked and alternated that responsibility.

The baby years are difficult on a marriage. It is easy for both sides to build resentment for the other for a variety of reasons, especially if there isn't an open line of communication and/or compromise is difficult. It was worth it though ... my daughters are growing up to be remarkable young ladies.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I wouldn't be surprised if in the early days or months of a child's life, the mother is more easily awakened than she normally is -- because of hormones, maybe from breast feeding if that is being done. I have no idea if that is the case, but I could see it having survival value, I could see the father's body is oblivious to the fact that a child has just been born.

In my case, I don't recall there being but a couple of times I slept through any feedings or diaper changes or crying spells or other "events". I almost always handled the post-feeding diaper change, prepared the formula when not breast feeding, rocked the kids back to sleep, etc. I never complained that it was not my job. They were my kids and I wanted to help, and my wife was suffering and I wanted her to get some rest. My work suffered, but better that than her.

Just this week (a dozen years later) my wife tells me she thinks all that help I did with the kids was "condescending". That what I really should have been doing was more housework.

Everyone is different in how easily awoken they are. These days, if something is needed while mom and dad are sleeping my kids wake ME up -- they are old enough to tap on my shoulder and say "Dad, Dad, wake up, wake up" until I do -- and their mom keeps sleeping. I'm glad they are old enough to not just stand there and stew until I wake up naturally and then complain that I wasn't there for them. I am also glad they are smart enough not to tap on my wife's shoulder and wake her up, for surely there will be hell to pay.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if in the early days or months of a child's life, the mother is more easily awakened than she normally is -- because of hormones, maybe from breast feeding if that is being done. I have no idea if that is the case, but I could see it having survival value, I could see the father's body is oblivious to the fact that a child has just been born.
> 
> In my case, I don't recall there being but a couple of times I slept through any feedings or diaper changes or crying spells or other "events". I almost always handled the post-feeding diaper change, prepared the formula when not breast feeding, rocked the kids back to sleep, etc. I never complained that it was not my job. They were my kids and I wanted to help, and my wife was suffering and I wanted her to get some rest. My work suffered, but better that than her.
> 
> ...


 Just from that little bit sounds like a grumpy person.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hubz convinced me he was such a terribly deep-sleeper when our first was a baby. He'd never wake up when baby cried. I felt resentful at times.

We had a second and a while after, his best friend had his first baby. Hubz let slip something his friend said about how he got his wife to deal with all the night wakings, by pretending he was fast asleep, and hubz laughed and agreed.

Strangely, hubz now deals with any night wakings as I sleep through them. Funny how that happened isn't it? :-D

On a lighter note, I think a previous poster addressed this really well. She was tired, cranky and upset. Yep she should have just asked you but she was tired, cranky and emotional. It happens. Just explain you'd be more than happy to deal with such situations in future when you're off work but she just needs to ASK. Then give her a hug and onwards you go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so when women are tired they can emotionaly abuse their husbands?

is the reverse when husbands are tired they can abuse their wives.


she was wrong no ifs ands or buts. she needs to grow up and quit acting like a spoiled little girl.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> Just from that little bit sounds like a grumpy person.


Me or her?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> so when women are tired they can emotionaly abuse their husbands?
> 
> is the reverse when husbands are tired they can abuse their wives.
> 
> ...


I agree. I don't care what kind of day you had or or if you are tired, it doesn't give people a pass to be *habitually* abusive. I don't understand that. We tolerate that from children, not adults. If you are having a very stressful day its not rude to tell somebody "Hey can we talk later, really having a hard time" and if they offer help kindly accept or reject it. 

Its not to say that i'm perfect and have never lashed out but I really strive for 90% control of my emotions because frankly not everybody cares about our feelings and I don't have the right to subject others to my drama. 

I've had bosses be verbally abusive to me in the past to which I told them without hesitation "Don't speak to me like that" and they backed off. I don't care what the situation is, who you are, I believe people need to be polite or the conversation is over until calm polite conversation can be established. I also work with many people with different personalities and one common denominator that has kept me employed is my tendacy to treat folks with dignity and kindness. Thankfully the nutjobs tend to not last very long and move on.


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## MyOne&Only (Aug 4, 2013)

She isn't in the right to made rude comments to you. That is her anger getting the best of her and that is something she may need to work on. I don't know if this is the case but maybe she gets cranky like that or makes rude remarks in these situations because she thinks you aren't helping enough. So maybe to appease her or to try this out you should do an extra chore around the house once a day or once a week...whatever you can do. Surprise her by doing something nice and to show her that you do care and that you are willing to help. 
The reason I am saying this is because of the book I read, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
This was an amazing book and I highly recommend it. In it it explains that everyone benefits from certain kinds of love. When their needs aren't met then that is when problems arise like fighting, name calling, etc.
I don't know if this helped. It was the first thing that popped into my mind.


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