# Resentment in a relationship



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Having been married almost a half century, I am somewhat accustomed to the vagaries and foibles of the female gender....and find most of them charming or at worst tolerable...With one exception......

Resentment is the most corrosive element that can be brought into a relationship....And even when this is pointed out and agreed to by the woman, even when she admits she is harming a relationship she truly wants to preserve...Resentments seem to propagate like bunnies in the spring.....Often the same resentments that have been discussed and put to bed many times in the past....Is there a pill for this?


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I wish!! And they better be covered by Rx insurance!!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

CatJayBird said:


> I wish!! And they better be covered by Rx insurance!!


I would willingly cash in my IRA....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you think that resentment is a female thing? It's not.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Saying you wish there was a pill to cure the other person of their resentment is pretty much like saying "I don't want to have to take any responsibility for the reasons she has to be resentful."

As you have been with one woman for most of your life, what makes you think you know much about women in general? Or do you think we are all exactly the same?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> Saying you wish there was a pill to cure the other person of their resentment is pretty much like saying "I don't want to have to take any responsibility for the reasons she has to be resentful."
> 
> As you have been with one woman for most of your life, what makes you think you know much about women in general? Or do you think we are all exactly the same?


I have one leg...She resents that I can't shovel.....

She is willing to take a pill, but not forgive my lack of shoveling skill...

I resent this attitude on her part, but do not let it affect my feelings for her...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> I have one leg...She resents that I can't shovel.....


Do you mean this literally? Or is it an analogy?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Resentment is a gender neutral phenomenon. If you don't believe me, do an advanced search of the word 'Resentment' in the Sex in Marriage subforum.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think that resentment is a female thing? It's not.


I do not think feeling resentment is a female trait...I do think that handling resentment in a non destructive manner is a skill most women are unable to master....I have also seen damaging resentment in female friendships....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you mean this literally? Or is it an analogy?


My left leg was almost totally amputated in a motorcycle accident ...

Bled out in the trauma center, but was revived by 8 units of whole blood...

21 days in the hospital, 24 months on crutches, 3 years off work. 

I have my leg, but the knee is without an ACL, and damage above and below the joint is too severe to allow for a replacement...

I cannot walk more than a few paces without a cane....

Except for that it was an analogy ....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> My left leg was almost totally amputated in a motorcycle accident ...
> 
> Bled out in the trauma center, but was revived by 8 units of whole blood...
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you had to go through all that, what a bummer. 

Why would your wife give you a hard time over your inability to do something like dig? As we age, we all get things that we can no longer do. So we compromise and find ways around it. Like hiring someone do to the things that we cannot do ourselves. I do that all the time.

.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I do not think feeling resentment is a female trait...I do think that handling resentment in a non destructive manner is a skill most women are unable to master....I have also seen damaging resentment in female friendships....


That is probably because women are stupid creatures that cannot breath without the help of a man. They are immature till death while men on the other hand are far more evolved.

Maybe women could learn something from men, I mean after all it is mostly men that fight, kill and have wars but they don't have an issue with resentment, yep.

Of all of the nasty divorces I know of it is the vast majority of the time that the male then goes on to be a stalker, abusive and won't let his ex wife move on. But I guess that isn't resentment, it is just one of those male foibles, rather endearing actually.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think that resentment is a female thing? It's not.



It's not a female thing only but resentment plays differently into how men or women see things.

At the risk of presenting a sophomoric argument, how would a pro football women's team work if Mrs. Quarterback made more than everyone else in the team combined? That's not too different from what happens in the NFL.

The men's team members would shrug it off and be back in the field. I'm not sure the women's team would as readily  (reminder: sophomoric example warning)

Men and women think differently in many aspects and LIKELY process resentment differently. I'm guessing that men have less issue with "the past" (whatever this means) than women. 

Just a guess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> It's not a female thing only but resentment plays differently into how men or women see things.
> 
> At the risk of presenting a sophomoric argument, how would a pro football women's team work if Mrs. Quarterback made more than everyone else in the team combined? That's not too different from what happens in the NFL.
> 
> ...


Having seen men harbor resentment, even to the point of self destruction, over everything from what others earn, who did/did-not get promoted, things their wives and others in their lives did or did not do and on and on and on... I can assure you that some number of men do harbor resentment and can handle it as badly as some women. I'd say that it's something done equally by men and women.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Resentment is the most corrosive element that can be brought into a relationship....And even when this is pointed out and agreed to by the woman, even when she admits she is harming a relationship she truly wants to preserve...Resentments seem to propagate like bunnies in the spring.....Often the same resentments that have been discussed and put to bed many times in the past....Is there a pill for this?


The pill would be for the partner who caused the resentment to understand what her or she did and not repeat the same bad behavior.

In your example with respect to the inability to shovel, I wouldn't even say that your W is resentful, but more frustrated about the situation. Unfortunately, such feelings are difficult to control. I would just ignore it. You can't shovel, end of discussion!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> My left leg was almost totally amputated in a motorcycle accident ...
> 
> Bled out in the trauma center, but was revived by 8 units of whole blood...
> 
> ...


Since we are talking about people harboring resentment, I'll give you an example in my life where my ex-husband harbored resentment for something that was equally out of my control.

I married my son's father in October 1985. We were both in our 30's so we wanted to have children right away. I became pregnant shortly after that. As it turned out the pregnancy did not go well. I was twins and problematic. I was bed ridden due to what is called hyperemesis... (I could not keep anything down to include water). I lost 25 lbs during the pregnancy but had a huge pregnancy 'bump' because it was after all twins. (just to give you an idea of how much I could not keep food down. Then I went into early labor and the babies were still born. After that I was sick for a few months with a horrible infection that rendered my unable to have children.

For the next year I did not recover. I went back to work but was running 104 fevers. 10 doctors later, one of them finally ran a TB test... I had TB. Apparently I had contacted TB while I was in the Army a few years earlier. I as put on chemo (not cancer chemo of course) for months and months. 

I was sick, could hardly do much of anything but I had to go to work. Why? Because my husband said that he would not support me... according to him I was making this all up and just doing it for attention. He became nasty, mean, full of resentment and took it out on me every chance he could. If I rested when I was home.. he's yell at me for being lazy... I could give you pages and pages of how his resentment and anger at me for being sick (something out of my control).

We were married for 14 years. After I recovered he quit work without asking my agreement and started medical school. I supported him during medical school and residency. But he never, not ever, gave up his resentment of me for being lazy (you know lazy like in having a bad pregnancy, sick after losing the twins and then TB for some time.).

There was no empathy from him for me as a person for what I went through. It was all about hos it affected him. He was the victim. He was resentful of me.

I could give you a lot more examples of men who have held on to resentment and who could not let it go. They harbor that resentment forever.

I've mentioned several times that men and woman choose to make their marriage sexless, or near sexless, about as often as women do. The main reason for this in both men and women who chose this is that they harbor anger/resentment towards their spouse.

My ex chose to do this.. his resentment was such that he, like many men and women do, chose to punish me be withhold sex and affection. He also had a lot of other was to express the resentment that he could never let go of.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There was no empathy from him for me as a person for what I went through. It was all about hos it affected him. He was the victim. He was resentful of me.


My comment is totally useless but I can't help it: what a jerk your ex-husband is. Hope the Karma bus comes around.

I had a friend in a similar situation -- not quite as bad but almost. No remorse was ever shown by her H for his bad behavior. She's still with him.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Having seen men harbor resentment, even to the point of self destruction, over everything from what others earn, who did/did-not get promoted, things their wives and others in their lives did or did not do and on and on and on... I can assure you that some number of men do harbor resentment and can handle it as badly as some women. I'd say that it's something done equally by men and women.



Agreed - I only question whether the likelihood of men or women holding resentment is the same and also on it's overall impact.

Read this for some interesting info: http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar03/angeracross.aspx


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry you had to go through all that, what a bummer.
> 
> Why would your wife give you a hard time over your inability to do something like dig? As we age, we all get things that we can no longer do. So we compromise and find ways around it. Like hiring someone do to the things that we cannot do ourselves. I do that all the time.
> 
> .


We had another blowup yesterday because She had to pull weeds out of her flower bed....I again told her I was not able to do such things...I have taken a 2 month vacation from narcotic painkillers, as I do on occasion to avoid dependence. Working in the yard would mean a night without sleep, and a good deal of discomfort....

So, she again tearfully agreed I was not physically able to do such work anymore....It is not like we cannot afford to hire someone to do yard work, I suppose It might placate her If I did the hiring...But most of the work involver her flower beds and garden, so she would have to give the instructions....

What brings me down is that the day before I had done the weeks grocery shopping, and she had completely forgotten that....It seems like "what have you done right this minute" that counts.

She can be a very difficult woman....I drive her to all her appointments, Took her to a car dealership and told the salesman "when she sits in a car and says it is nice, I will write you a check"....She picked a VERY nice car....

We just re furnished the entire house, new baths, a fireplace, she will readily admit she has not been denied* anything *in the past 50 years...I am not trying to buy her, I just have a generous nature......

I beg her to go on week end get aways, take a cruise, visit her family, NADA....I put her younger brother and sister through high school, I have sat overnight at the bedside of her terminally ill family members (People who were warm friends with me, I might add).....Her family thinks I walk on water, I am greeted warmly at their homes. Her brother thinks of me as his dad....

I cannot visit my family...I have a cousin I grew up with, that lives an hour away....The wife says she just isn't comfortable in their home...
*
This all sounds like resentment, because it is*.....But she never gets a cross word from me about any of it...Every day is a new day, and I treat her accordingly...She chooses to handle her feelings differently.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> Agreed - I only question whether the likelihood of men or women holding resentment is the same and also on it's overall impact.


In a relationship, I think that the impact is the same. It seriously damages the relationship regardless of which, man or woman, is harboring the resentment and talking it out on their spouse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck this may seem counterproductive but instead of doing more to try to make up for lack of weeding ability, do your fair share and that's it. You are in a steady state period of good life now? I notice when I'm in the good steady state mode I can find the stupidest things to get upset about. 

All it takes is little jolt of life to make me appreciate what I have and act like it. Time to change up Woodchuck. She has forgotten to be grateful and compassionate. You can ask her to show some humanity but it may be more effective to encourage her to look at herself and her life. She has it good - she has a garden. 

This is from my life. I like going to the Opera, my husband does not get excited about opera but he always accompanies me. He arranges dinner at places to surprise me, very nice and consistent. Without realizing it, I began obsessing and driving him nuts with my fear of being late. He was calm, didn't argue just reminded me that it was a waste of a good time to be upset. Last season, we went only once together, he came up with lots of scheduling conflicts. 

I missed him so much and now appreciate what I had. I suppose he could have cleared his schedule for us, but why should he if I did not appreciate and realize the effort he made to go with me in the first place. He did it simply because it made me happy. 

You can't tell her how good she has it, or that she she is sweating over small things, you can get her to notice for herself. Find kind and gentle ways and be hardcore and persistent.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I do not think feeling resentment is a female trait...* I do think that handling resentment in a non destructive manner is a skill most women are unable to master*....I have also seen damaging resentment in female friendships....


One only has to look at some of the threads here on TAM to see how men are capable of resenting things that their spouses did _years earlier in past relationships_, to know that resentment is a negative trait that is probably harboured equally by both genders.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Woodchuck this may seem counterproductive but instead of doing more to try to make up for lack of weeding ability, do your fair share and that's it. You are in a steady state period of good life now? I notice when I'm in the good steady state mode I can find the stupidest things to get upset about.
> 
> All it takes is little jolt of life to make me appreciate what I have and act like it. Time to change up Woodchuck. She has forgotten to be grateful and compassionate. You can ask her to show some humanity but it may be more effective to encourage her to look at herself and her life. She has it good - she has a garden.
> 
> ...


I told her yesterday I was going to start taking some short trips overnight or a few nights. She can go if she wishes...or not...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I read that women have a tendency to hold onto bad memories more than men. Men have a tendency to move on more easily and to forget emotional ladened issues. Also that painful memories have a tendency to pop up unbidden for woman and not so much for men. The feelings of pain and anger re-emerge and resentment can occur with a partner who is dismissive of the feelings. So there may be a gender based difference in processing bad memories. Men forget them and woman remember. That is true for me and my husband. 

I don't consider either of us wrong or needing meds. That's how it is. When I realized that he was not forgetting because I was not important enough to him, I relaxed and we talked about it. He does not read relationship books but he respects me enough to discuss and consider what I have discovered. We worked out a deal, he understand that I need to talk to him when something comes up in my head that makes me upset. In turn, I accept that he may not remember. 

Words are powerful. Resentment in not a female problem in the relationship, woman don't need a pill and they don't need to feel defective because they are not like men. Gender -based differences should be accepted and used to strengthen understanding and empathy. Efforts towards accepting each genders uniqueness is far more relationship friendly that sexist garbage that is so common. That should not be so difficult - men have legitimate reasons to resent their partners as do women. The reasons are frequently gender-based so understanding is a 2 way street. If women are ridiculed for being too emotional, resentful, blah, blah, men should expect the same level of empathy and understanding.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> I told her yesterday I was going to start taking some short trips overnight or a few nights. She can go if she wishes...or not...


Make at lest some of them independent. Do you have friends you can travel with? Have you updated your wardrobe lately, different colors, styles, new haircut?


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Having been married almost a half century, I am somewhat accustomed to the vagaries and foibles of the female gender....and find most of them charming or at worst tolerable...With one exception......
> 
> Resentment is the most corrosive element that can be brought into a relationship....And even when this is pointed out and agreed to by the woman, even when she admits she is harming a relationship she truly wants to preserve...Resentments seem to propagate like bunnies in the spring.....Often the same resentments that have been discussed and put to bed many times in the past....Is there a pill for this?


Woodchuck,

I sure wish there was. I could use a whole bottle of them as my marriage is falling apart.

Granny7


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> One only has to look at some of the threads here on TAM to see how men are capable of resenting things that their spouses did _years earlier in past relationships_, to know that resentment is a negative trait that is probably harboured equally by both genders.



Don't confuse cold fact reporting with resentment. If you want to say something not too flattering about your partner you'll either sugar coat it to the point of it being trivial or present it like it is in which case you appear resentful...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> We had another blowup yesterday because She had to pull weeds out of her flower bed....I again told her I was not able to do such things...I have taken a 2 month vacation from narcotic painkillers, as I do on occasion to avoid dependence. Working in the yard would mean a night without sleep, and a good deal of discomfort....
> 
> So, she again tearfully agreed I was not physically able to do such work anymore....It is not like we cannot afford to hire someone to do yard work, I suppose It might placate her If I did the hiring...But most of the work involver her flower beds and garden, so she would have to give the instructions....
> 
> ...


So it sounds like the both of you harbor resentment. Too bad you and she cannot let it go.

My bet is that her being upset about your not being able to do some things like dig has to do with what she perceives that the both of you lost with your accident. It might not be at you.. like not blaming you.. just frustration that at things that life throws at us. Maybe some of her frustration is at the limitations she now has herself. Why not try hiring someone to help her once in a while.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> This all sounds like resentment, because it is[/B].....But she never gets a cross word from me about any of it...Every day is a new day, and I treat her accordingly...She chooses to handle her feelings differently.....


You resent your wife for the sexual limitations imposed by her neurologic condition. I believe you have not successfully turned the page on that reality have you? She resents you for the physical limitations imposed by your amputation. What can she do to resolve your resentment? Thinking of it this way may give you an idea on how to handle her resentment.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Ele, I'm so sorry for what you went through all those years back...

It's hard to even find the words to describe what I think of your ex's behaviour.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> Having been married almost a half century, I am somewhat accustomed to the vagaries and foibles of the female gender....and find most of them charming or at worst tolerable...With one exception......
> 
> Resentment is the most corrosive element that can be brought into a relationship....And even when this is pointed out and agreed to by the woman, even when she admits she is harming a relationship she truly wants to preserve...Resentments seem to propagate like bunnies in the spring.....Often the same resentments that have been discussed and put to bed many times in the past....Is there a pill for this?


Yes.

Safe communication.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> We just re furnished the entire house, new baths, a fireplace, she will readily admit she has not been denied* anything *in the past 50 years...I am not trying to buy her, I just have a generous nature......
> 
> I beg her to go on week end get aways, take a cruise, visit her family, NADA....I put her younger brother and sister through high school, I have sat overnight at the bedside of her terminally ill family members (People who were warm friends with me, I might add).....Her family thinks I walk on water, I am greeted warmly at their homes. Her brother thinks of me as his dad....
> 
> ...


Woodchuck, no offense, but you have CREATED this problem.

Get this book and start reading it:
No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


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