# Husband not interested in sex..help!



## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

I have just joined and am looking for some advice. I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years, met him 19 years ago. We have two children age 7 and 4. My husband has never been interested in sex and we went years without sex even in the beginning. I have always lacked confidence in the way that I look and always felt that my husband was too good for me.As I have got older I realise that I am overly critical of myself and for my age am in good shape and been told I am very attractive and don't look my age. I know now I should never have put up with it and never have married him. If I didn't have the children I would have left him by now.

Spoke to my husband 4 years ago and told him how unhappy I am and I wanted more intimacy/sex. He basically told me he was too busy with the kids and would have time for me when when they were older. When pushed on the lack of sex issue he tells me what we have is normal. Around this time things did improve and I had pity sex about once a month. Things have slipped back to normal again and last had sex with him 23 May 2013. 

I have reached a stage where I know he has zero interest in sex and I have given up. I just don't want to beg him anymore. As you can imagine this makes me feel rubbish. I don't feel loved by him, we hardly talk, don't really do anything together. As I said I can't even be bothered to attempt to fix it. I think I have accepted this is the way he is. 

I can't quite get my head around the fact that he never wants sex...pretty certain he isn't having an affair and have asked him if he is gay and he has said no. As a woman you are told that all men want sex constantly. So for the men out there, how long could you go without sex? If you were in my position what would you do?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> I have just joined and am looking for some advice. I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years, met him 19 years ago. We have two children age 7 and 4. My husband has never been interested in sex and we went years without sex even in the beginning. I have always lacked confidence in the way that I look and always felt that my husband was too good for me.As I have got older I realise that I am overly critical of myself and for my age am in good shape and been told I am very attractive and don't look my age. I know now I should never have put up with it and never have married him. If I didn't have the children I would have left him by now.
> 
> Spoke to my husband 4 years ago and told him how unhappy I am and I wanted more intimacy/sex. He basically told me he was too busy with the kids and would have time for me when when they were older. When pushed on the lack of sex issue he tells me what we have is normal. Around this time things did improve and I had pity sex about once a month. Things have slipped back to normal again and last had sex with him 23 May 2013.
> 
> ...


well first, sight unseen, just from the way you write, I can tell that you are a hot and sexy mama. Hit the gym, do the zumba, get some nice new duds, and spruce yourself up. Start insisting on date nights, like dancing, doing things, going places, especially with other couples. Maybe doing new things will open the door a crack for him to start thinking about sex with you again.

you have gone many years without sex, so you can not be HD (who would not put up with sexless marriage for even two weeks). But you might be getting more of a libido as you age and your hormones change. Some women peak sexually in the 30 to 50 year old range, so past performance s no indication of future horniness.

try to get him interested again by deeds. By dressing up, by losing weight, eating healthier, trying to get HIM to the gym. 

if that does not work...and the sexless part of the marriage is driving you nuts, and your local pharmacy has run out of batteries...then the D talk is maybe in order.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kate40 said:


> I can't quite get my head around the fact that he never wants sex...pretty certain he isn't having an affair and have asked him if he is gay and he has said no. As a woman you are told that all men want sex constantly. So for the men out there, how long could you go without sex? If you were in my position what would you do?


A sexless marriage is one in which there is sex 10 or fewer times a year. So you are in a sexless marriage.

It’s a myth that all men want sex constantly. About 20% of marriages are sexless. Men choose to make their marriage sexless at about the same rate that women do. Here’s a book that will help you put things in perspective. 

Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore eBook: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Books

I agree with the murphy that it’s time you did a complete make over and started going out and doing things. Invite you husband. If he does not want to go with you then you go and start making your own life. I’m not suggesting an affair. I’m suggesting that you start taking care of yourself more and getting a social life outside of your marriage.

I also think it’s time that you start considering divorce. We only get one shot at life. We should live that one life as fully as possible. Lack of sex/intimacy is a legitimate reason for divorce. The fact that your husband told that you he’s too busy with the children to pay attention to you is a huge putdown/insult. He married you for children, not for to have a relationship with you. Right now you are modeling a sexless marriage to your children. They will grow up thinking that this is all they can expect out of marriage/life. Is this really the lesson you want to teach them? You have a chance to teach them that no one should put up with being used to produce children and then be treated in a cold, rejecting manner.

Do you work?


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Hi Elegirl and Murphy..thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

I think the problem is now he has rejected me so many times, I just can't go there anymore. I don't understand how you can do that to somebody you are suppose to love. I don't think he understands the impact of his actions. The children are most definitely his priority not me I know that.

I have no desire to have sex with anymore and if I am honest I don't see the marriage lasting. I feel that I have missed out on so much and I am young enough to start again. I am just worried about the impact on the children. Is there ever a good time to get divorced?

I do work but only part time and if we split up I don't think I could stay in the house I am in now. It doesn't bother me but again I don't want the children's lives to be turned upside down anymore than they will be. I just feel trapped.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

There are three options for him that you have to lay down and make him believe you are serious: get his problem dealt with medically, negotiate an open relationship or accept divorce.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

D-I-V-O-R-C-E is the answer.

Is your husband a porn addict?


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Longwalk..I honestly don't think so. I walk in on him in his study to try and catch him out but he's either doing a crossword or watching tv..he isn't interested. I didn't get married to get divorced and I am really afraid of the impact it will have on the children but when other people are also telling me this too I know I am not being silly. Nobody knows about our situation I am too embarrassed to tell anybody. To the outside world we are "the perfect family"..if only they knew.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell your husband you want an open marriage.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Kate40 said:


> I didn't get married to get divorced and I am really afraid of the impact it will have on the children


No-one gets married to get divorced, but neither do they get married to lead passionless lives. Don't forget that your unhappiness will also impact the children. 

Whether you want to divorce or not he has to see that this is a real threat to the relationship or he will never change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your children will be fine. They will still have two parents who love them. 

I divorced my son's father when my son was 7. My marriage also ended up sexless due to my husband's choice. Though he was also abusive and cheated.. so there were more problems then you seem to have. After our son came along, my husband took the stance, like yours, that the primary relationship was him and our son. He tried to cut me out completely. I get the situation you are in as I lived through something similar.

It's just not worth staying where you are being hurt every day. In the long run you will become a shell of yourself. Don't do this to yourself any longer.

My son has done just fine. He struggled a some at first but adjusted. When he was in 6th grade school they had a program for kids whose parents were divorced. They asked each kid to put together a booklet talking about their experience with divorce. My son's booklet said that he no longer had to listen to the fighting so that was good. And most of all it was great because he got double the vacations, two Christmases, two birthdays, etc. He had adjusted just fine it seems.

You will have better relationships with your children because you will be able to heal from the rejection you have been experiencing for a long time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kate40 said:


> Longwalk..I honestly don't think so. I walk in on him in his study to try and catch him out but he's either doing a crossword or watching tv..he isn't interested. I didn't get married to get divorced and I am really afraid of the impact it will have on the children but when other people are also telling me this too I know I am not being silly. Nobody knows about our situation I am too embarrassed to tell anybody. To the outside world we are "the perfect family"..if only they knew.


You might want to think about getting into counseling. The kind of rejection you have experienced is a serious form of emotional abuse. You need to have someone to talk to. Plus they can help you heal.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Jonny- when I spoke to him 4 years ago I told him then if things didn't change I would have no option but to divorce him..perhaps he didn't think I was serious as things improved for a bit but then slip back to normal.

Elegirl- thanks for sharing your experience...I worry about the little things, I know you are right I am so lonely and unhappy I am finding each day increasingly difficult. We don't argue and apart from the no sex we get on o.k. I know what you mean about the kids noticing you are right my daughter has commented on a few things already she isn't stupid. I just don't know how to tell him I want a divorce he will probably tell me to leave but I don't want to leave the house.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Kate40 said:


> I just don't know how to tell him I want a divorce he will probably tell me to leave but I don't want to leave the house.


Make him leave. He is the one being selfish and destroying the marriage, he is the one who should go.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

I wish he would..can't see him leaving as he is quite happy living in his little bubble world, think he would tell me to go as I am the one who is unhappy.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Kate40 said:


> I wish he would..can't see him leaving as he is quite happy living in his little bubble world, think he would tell me to go as I am the one who is unhappy.


Check out the divorce laws in your area.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kate40 said:


> I wish he would..can't see him leaving as he is quite happy living in his little bubble world, think he would tell me to go as I am the one who is unhappy.


Neither of you can kick the other out. It's both of yours and your children's legal residence.

You do not leave the house. Instead you file for divorce and have him served. IF he wants to stay, he can go sleep somewhere else in the house. 

Who stays and who goes will be settled in the divorce.

You say that you do not know how to tell him that you want a divorce. start out by making a to-do list . Then work the list one item at a time. When you get to the point of having him served you will have worked out in your head how to tell him. You could always let having him served be the way to tell him.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

Do make sure that you tell him that you are going to seek a divorce before you drop the bomb by having him served, listing the reasons why, using "I" statements. Sit down with him and remain calm, cool, and rational during the discussion.

"I do not feel loved by you."

"I feel rejected."

"I need more affection and physical intimacy in order to feel loved by you."

"I realize these are things you may not be able to give to me, so I think we should move on."

I'm not saying to give him another chance, but make sure you both have an opportunity to say your peace--before the acrimony of divorce sets in (and believe me, no matter how amicable the split may be, there _will_ be some acrimony).

If he says things that might lead you to believe this is fixable, have a list of specific expectations (these are examples of some things I would demand, but feel free to add or subtract).

You will both attend marriage counseling and individual counseling.

You will both attend sessions with a sex therapist.

He will see a physician for a check up to see whether his hormone levels are normal: testosterone, thyroid, etc. 

He will give you X amount of hugs, kisses, and cuddles per week. He will provide X amount of sex X times per week/month/quarter.

It seems to me that it is very unusual for anyone, especially a man, to be that disinterested in sex. There is something truly wrong: past trauma, mental illness, or medical issue.  Unfortunately, this has gone on for years, as you say, and old habits are hard to break. He needs to realize that his behavior is incredibly selfish and unloving.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You also said he wouldn't care if you left him and that he was happy in his 'bubble'. It sounds to me like he has deeper issues that just being LD. Make him see somebody.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You are clearly very sexually frustrated because you say you don't want to have sex with anyone, yet your complaint is that he doesn't want to have sex with you (and never really has wanted to), and that you want a divorce or want your husband to leave. That's just your sexual frustration talking because it doesn't make sense. If you didn't want sex, you wouldn't be complaining, and you wouldn't be angry with him.

You have come to terms with your insecurities and your poor body image, but that your husband won't have sex with you still works against your sensibilities. You need to feel attractive and desired in the way only man can make you feel attractive and desireable. That's why you are angry with him as failing at being the one person who SHOULD make you feel that way.

For his sake and for the sake of your children, I think you're being selfish in threatening him and wanting a divorce. You knew this is how he is. After you married him (if not long before), you came to know how he is, but you didn't get out early. You knew he is not a sexual person, but you brought children into this marriage anyway. Now, you consider destroying the world for all of them, rather than coming to terms with the situation.

As a stepmother who frequents step parent forums/support groups, you have no idea what you are asking for. You want love, you want to be loved, and you want sex, which means you will surely become involved with others once you are free to explore your sexuality. That means bringing other men and their children into your life and that of your children.

Things go fine for the first while, but what happens soon enough is step parents can't stand their partner's kids, and the kids can't stand their step parents either. Plus, you will have their mother to deal with, which is awful. Dealing with all of them - him, his kids and their mother - is the worst hell you can possibly imagine.

Some blended families are blessed to basically avoid most of the problems, but they are in the minority. The vast majority have insurmountable problems, so if you feel lonely, rejected, and unloved now, you haven't seen nothin' yet. The most common scenario is the stepmother's utter unhappiness. Even though she loves her husband/boyfriend, she is stressed out and miserable due to all of his baggage surrounding their relationship. There are some stepdads who catch hell too, but mostly it is the stepmoms.

I strongly advise to keep your marriage intact. Your children are not unhappy. It would be nice if they had the example of loving parents, but most children don't have that. What children of divorce have are resentment, behavioral problems, insecurities, no stability (going back and forth between parents' homes), much less of a foundation in their life, and they live the rest of their lives wishing their parents would get back together. Their parents divorcing is hard for most grown adults to accept, so imagine how kids feel even when they appear on the surface to adjust. Even though they still have the love of both parents, their lives will never be the same, and the effects are reflected in many other areas.

So, rather than turn your children's lives upside and jumping yourself out of this hot pot you're in and directly into the fire, I think you should get your head together and decide what you want and exactly what you're angry about. You were with this man 6 years before you married him. I refuse to believe you didn't now this beforehand but even so, you still stayed with him and bore him children. You knew him well, so he's not the one you should be angry with now. You are really regretting what you did because of what you now want.

You deserve to be loved and you deserve to have all the sex, romance, intimacy, and passion in your life that you want. Just remember, that's not the man you married. You and he are married in name only and you're raising your children together, so why don't you just have a boyfriend on the side? You can have sex with someone else and let your husband know you feel that is the better option than tearing the family apart. From the sounds of the way you describe him, he will probably be glad you let him off the hook without him having to lose anything. You don't lose anything either since clearly you cannot support yourself and children on a part-time job. Everyone gets to keep the stability in their lives, and nobody gets hurt.

This does not seem like a moral option, but neither is divorce. Divorce is just so common that it feels like the morally acceptable choice. You don't want a divorce anyway. You just want sex and you want to feel loved. Once you do that and once you find someone who is interested in you sexually, you will see how quickly all this frustration, confusion, and anger dissipate.

My suggestion is based on assuming you know your husband doesn't have physical/medical reasons that he doesn't want sex. Your man is not low drive. He is no drive, and there's likely a reason for that. Tell him to go to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. If he is low (very low I expect) or deficient, then the doc can prescribe hormone replacement and he'll be okay after that. If you know for certain there is no deficiency, then my suggestion applies.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

CarlaRose said:


> You deserve to be loved and you deserve to have all the sex, romance, intimacy, and passion in your life that you want. Just remember, that's not the man you married. You and he are married in name only and you're raising your children together, so why don't you just have a boyfriend on the side? You can have sex with someone else and let your husband know you feel that is the better option than tearing the family apart. From the sounds of the way you describe him, he will probably be glad you let him off the hook without him having to lose anything. You don't lose anything either since clearly you cannot support yourself and children on a part-time job. Everyone gets to keep the stability in their lives, and nobody gets hurt.


I think this is a very pragmatic approach and puts the children at the centre of the decision making process, where they should be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CarlaRose said:


> You are clearly very sexually frustrated because * you say you don't want to have sex with anyone, * yet your complaint is that he doesn't want to have sex with you (and never really has wanted to), and that you want a divorce or want your husband to leave. That's just your sexual frustration talking because it doesn't make sense. If you didn't want sex, you wouldn't be complaining, and you wouldn't be angry with him.


Kate40 did not say that she does not want sex with anyone. 

QUOTE=Kate40;9941098]* I have no desire to have sex with anymore * and if I am honest I don't see the marriage lasting. I feel that I have missed out on so much and I am young enough to start again. I am just worried about the impact on the children. Is there ever a good time to get divorced?[/QUOTE]

I believe she left out a word in her sentence.

* I have no desire to have sex with [him] anymore *

However I agree that her frustration is obvious in her posts.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Wow. Just Wow. Kate if you peruse the many sections on this site you will find many individuals with many different circumstances that struggled to make the final decision to divorce. By and large this is always a difficult choice for many even in extreme circumstances when it seems so obvious to everyone else around.

From what you have described you have hit middle age and my own experience is that this is when most of us have truly matured. We have seen just about everything, we understand most of our strengths and shortcomings and are working on making the weaknesses strengths if at all possible. 

My impression is you are not going to settle for this situation without driving yourself absolutely crazy with resentment. I would counsel you to speak to an attorney and have your H served. He is either going to get on board with your relationship or continue to be indifferent (which is about the biggest insult we can give to those we are supposed to love) and give you the big Whatever. 

In regards to kids I would advise you not to stay for their benefit. If you make this step teach them as much as you can depending on their age and share with them as much as you can in an appropriate way to let them know that a marital relationship requires two individuals that are willing to give and take equally in all things financial, emotional, physical etc. If one person refuses to give anything at all in any of the important areas of a marriage is it really worth saving? 

If you do not believe your children are aware of the tension in your marriage maybe they do not but they will eventually if they don't. 

There is a whole life out there waiting for you to experience. You may fall for someone who comes with baggage, most of us have it at this point, but you do not have to walk down the aisle with him in 6 months. 

I suggest you start doing the makeover thing and invite your H to join in that journey. If he does not want to then leave him behind and find yourself. 

By the way I do not advocate leaving all the time but I am struck recently by the posts lately of so many individuals who have spouses who have cut them out emotionally and intimately. I was there for two years but for some reason my W has had an epihany and has turned back into the woman I fell in love with 30 years ago. 

I am not sure how much I had to do with that. I did implement many changes suggested by individuals here. I know that some of it if not most of it helped. I wish you all the best. Do not delay making these important changes in your life. Try to bring him along kicking and screaming. If he resents it press forward and prepare for life without him.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

May 2013.... I feel for you. This is a roommate situation you describe. Is it possible your husband is gay? 
He sounds oblivious to your hurt.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Thanks for your many posts and advice.
Richie-I have asked him and he has said no..who knows?

Elegirl- correct I meant I don't want sex with him, something inside me has just switched off inside of him, I suppose it is all the years of rejection and I just don't want to go there anymore.

Carlarose- thanks for your comments. You are right, he has always been like this and I went along with it, and I shouldn't have. I think I have had some sort of midlife crisis and just realised how unhappy I am. I have lived like this for so long it has become normal....I know it isn't normal and can't bear the thought of living another 20 years like this. I have considered the option of having a discreet friend but think of the consequences if I got caught. I would also worry that after having years of no love/initimacy/sex I would eventually fall in love with them and want more. The reasons you state about divorce in your reply are why I am still here. It's the children I just can't do it to them.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Kate: I am sorry to learn of your situation. I think many of us can relate to the frustrations and pain you feel from it. I can't help but think, however, that there is more to this story. If he was always like this, then I am not surprised that his interest in sex has gone down as he has aged. Is he in good health otherwise? Are there other factors that could be causing him stress? Are there no displays of affection between the two of you? No hugs, no snuggling in bed, etc.? When you have had sex has it been satisfying for both of you? Has he had any difficulties performing? Is he controlling or passive-aggressive in other aspects of your relationship? Would he be willing to seek counseling? 

Again, I feel for you in this situation, but wonder what other factors may be part of the cause of his lack of desire.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

To answer your first question, and to echo what EleGirl said, it is an oft-quoted fallacy that all men want sex all the time, that we think about it all the time, etc. I'm not speaking for all men, of course, but my personal drive is probably not too different from any other human beings: Yes, there are some days where it's on my mind so much that it's a distraction. But there are many other days where work is intense and there's a lot going on at home and I need to mow the yard and finish painting the bathroom and install that new shelving and fix the router and any number of other things, and frankly sex isn't really on my mind. I'll be one of the few honest men on this board and say that when in that mindset and my wife has walked into the room naked it usually takes me several minutes to mentally shift into "let's have sex" mode. Of course, I'm speaking only for myself, a mere mortal among the apparent sex gods who frequent this forum.

That said, our frequency has a wide range, about 1-3x/week. That frequency is OK by me, although 1x/week is pushing it and that's when I start getting to the "If I don't get laid soon I'm going to beat someone with my chair" stage.

As to your second question (what would I do), I would seriously start deciding if this marriage is something worth saving. We don't have kids so I can't speak from that perspective, but in the rest of this thread your marriage already sounds pretty dead, so other than a whole (but seemingly loveless) family unit for your kids, I'm not sure exactly what it is you're trying to save.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So simple solution (but not so simple) solution one: request an open marriage.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Of course, I'm speaking only for myself, a mere mortal among the apparent sex gods who frequent this forum." Davelli331

That's just bleeping hilarious!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

OP;

Do you not want to have sex with your husband because of the hurt and rejection, or do you not find him attractive?
Is he a good looking man in decent shape? Confident? Describe his personality a bit more.

BTW, this is definitely not normal. He is getting his kicks somehow, probably in private by his self. 

What I'm getting at is maybe he had insecurity issues, not necessarily ED but self image.........something


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Thanks again for your replies it really helps me to read that this isn't normal and read your advice.

Jogegene- I did want sex with my husband lots of it but as I know he doesn't seem to have any natural desire I don't want him like that anymore. I have stood in front of him naked and he will just look straight through me and walk out the room. I am in good shape for my age, not perfect by any means but don't think he can be repulsed by me. He is 44 years old, very fit, goes running 3 times a week, cycles, football and gym. He doesn't look his age. He has no medical conditions at all and not on any treatment. He has been like this since a young age, god knows what it's going to be like when he is in his 50s. When he was giving me pity sex he told me we couldn't have sex in the week as he was too tired?????? I don't think I could ever be too tired for sex.

I have walked in on him in the shower on numerous occasions just to see if I can catch him out but nothing. Checked the history on his pc and nothing dodgy. Not sure if there is anything else. Personality wise he is quiet, likes being on his own, not a very pushy person will stand back.

aaroncj- no nothing, he doesn't touch me, we don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands nothing. In the evening, he sits upstairs in his study and I sit downstairs on my own. We get into bed at night and turn our backs on each other. I will be honest though and say that I have given up now. It's difficult to keep approaching somebody for sex when you patiently wait all week and then initiate to be told, "Sorry, I am tired". Knowing that I then have to wait a whole other week to try again..week after week excuse after excuse to the point where I have turned my back and just cried. I can't and don't want to approach him for sex anymore. 

The times we did have sex were good, no performance issues and don't think he would go to counselling as he doesn't think it is a problem. He told me 4 years ago when we had a talk that what we had was reality! I have no clue but if let me know if you figure it out, thanks for your comments it is really helping me X


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

Oh, this is very sad. If he is healthy, has not medical issues, then it appears to me that he most certainly has some sort of past trauma, or psychological issue. 

I am not one that goes around advocating for divorce. Too many times people are willing to throw in the towel and give up, to not put the work into it that is necessary. However, it appears that at the outset, this man never realized the meaning of marriage, how it involves mutual self-giving. This mutual self-giving also involves sex. Sex powerfully bonds a husband and wife together, and if he is unwilling to give of himself in this way, then he is unwilling to keep this bond with you. In what other ways does he not give of himself to you? He knows you are hurting, knows you are crying, and yet does NOTHING to help alleviate your pain. So, not only is he physically unavailable, but it appears that he is emotionally unavailable, as well. 

It appears that this is a very broken man, and people with this degree of brokenness cannot form a relationship with another person, much less a marriage as most people know it. Think of it as a sailboat. If you take off from the port and it is seaworthy, but get out to the middle of the ocean and choose to scuttle it, it will sink. However, there are some sailboats that are not seaworthy to begin with. Sooner or later, no matter what you do, the skiff will sink to the bottom of the sea. I don't know your marriage fully, but it appears to me that your ship is like the latter.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Happygilmore- no evidence of any past abuse, you are right he doesn't understand what a marriage is. My husband see me as the live in cleaner and his priorities are our children, most definitely not me. It is very hurtful. I do wonder if he loves me anymore but part of me is too scared to ask. If he says no I would have no option then to leave.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> Happygilmore- no evidence of any past abuse, you are right he doesn't understand what a marriage is. My husband see me as the live in cleaner and his priorities are our children, most definitely not me. It is very hurtful. I do wonder if he loves me anymore but part of me is too scared to ask. If he says no I would have no option then to leave.


He may very well have experienced some trauma related to sex, and you not know about it. Or this is what was modeled to him by his parents--which makes you probably think about whether you wish to model this kind of "marriage" for your children. Either way, there is a serious defect within him that renders a relationship with him impossible. The fact that he does not see this as a problem is even more troubling, especially when he witnesses the pain and suffering he has allowed you to experience. Perhaps he has a hidden personality disorder, I don't know. He seems detached and lacking basic empathy--from what you describe. He appears to not be capable of forming a bond.

I think you know the answer to whether he loves you or not. 

(Even if he were to say he does love you, are you sure he even understands what that word means?) 

I'm very sorry you are going through this. It probably feels like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, wanting to not put your kids through the hell of a divorce, but also unable to imagine living like this another day. But, do understand that the kids will survive, and may have an opportunity to see a real relationship/marriage modeled for them, if you choose divorce. If you choose not to divorce, he still needs to know the sorrow he has put you through--therefore, a very candid discussion with him elucidating the details of how he has hurt you and why is warranted. Actually, whatever you choose, he needs to know this, in no uncertain terms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kate40,

Have you considered that your husband might be asexual, or close to it?


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Kate, You mention that the children are his priority. What does he do for them? Does he spend a lot of time playing with them, reading to them, watching TV with them? How does your husband spend his time after they go to bed (at their ages that could leave a coupe hours of time each night). 

I feel so bad for you. I cannot imagine living the way you are being forced to live. A year ago I found this site when I was not happy with our intimacy because after more than 20 years of marriage it had fallen to about once a month after getting too busy with life and raising 4 kids. And it was not me that didn't want sex, it was usually H that ignored what I thought was my blatant signals or gave the "tired" excuses. 

I suddenly realized that with 4 teenage kids, they would all soon be gone and I wanted to make sure we still had a marriage once we had an empty nest. I brought it up and told him that technically we had a sexless marriage. He just said something like "I never knew you wanted it more often." Anyway, it has greatly improved since then with some pushing and prodding a little. But I still feel some of what you describe about not feeling desirable. 

But for the two of you to have gone more than a year currently and to have gone years early in you marriage is NOT normal at all! Even if you decide to divorce, your H needs to know that that is definitely not normal no matter how many kids, how busy, how stressful his job! Especially in your early 40s! 

Again, so sorry about what you are going through.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Kate40,
> 
> Have you considered that your husband might be asexual, or close to it?


I am hesitant to believe that this is a normal variant. Low desire, "medium" desire, high desire...yes, these are normal variations. But no desire is not. Human beings are born sexual, and it begins to blossom in adolescence. There is not an "asexual" person--there is only a traumatized person, a medically ill person, or a broken person who has mental health issues or personality disorder.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

ABC123wife- he is a good dad. He takes them out on their bikes, goes for walks, visits parks, plays games, visits his parents, helps with their homework. Once they are in bed he sits upstairs on the computer/watching tv and I sit downstairs on my own. Like now, the children are sleeping over my parents tonight as I am in work tomorrow and it's the school holidays. No kids we are alone, most couples would be taking advantage of that but not him doesn't enter his head.

I know that's what I worry about too, when he told me 4 years ago he would have time for me once the children were older I couldn't believe it, if things continue like this does he seriously think I am going to be here in 10 years time..he just doesn't get it! 

I feel robbed of having had a normal life and I am angry at him. I know it is my fault as he has always been like this and I should never have married him, but when I see what some woman have I cry.

Yes I do think he is asexual he has no sexual desire at all..lucky me.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Kate40 said:


> ABC123wife- he is a good dad. He takes them out on their bikes, goes for walks, visits parks, plays games, visits his parents, helps with their homework. Once they are in bed he sits upstairs on the computer/watching tv and I sit downstairs on my own. Like now, the children are sleeping over my parents tonight as I am in work tomorrow and it's the school holidays. No kids we are alone, most couples would be taking advantage of that but not him doesn't enter his head.
> 
> I know that's what I worry about too, when he told me 4 years ago he would have time for me once the children were older I couldn't believe it, if things continue like this does he seriously think I am going to be here in 10 years time..he just doesn't get it!
> 
> ...


Don't wait any longer! You are being robbed! I suggest you march up to his office NOW and just ask him why with the kids gone and just the 2 of you there, why has sex not even crossed his mind?! Ask him does he really think the two of you will be able to reconnect after years of no connection? Maybe even let him know it may already be too late as you have trouble yourself now with desiring him after the years of neglect he has subjected you to.

Do you think he fears divorce? Does he assume you will just stick around?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HappyGilmore said:


> I am hesitant to believe that this is a normal variant. Low desire, "medium" desire, high desire...yes, these are normal variations. But no desire is not. Human beings are born sexual, and it begins to blossom in adolescence. There is not an "asexual" person--there is only a traumatized person, a medically ill person, or a broken person who has mental health issues or personality disorder.


The human body is a system of systems. The systems are run by chemicals. It's extremely complex. We still to not understand all of it. I'd venture to say that we don't understand most of it.

Things go wrong in gestation or with DNA more often than we think. It's completely possible that a person is born with hormonal problems that make then have no desire for sex.

There are people born with out sex organs, people born with both male and female sex organs. Some with glands that over produce hormones, some that produce little to no hormones.

Things go wrong. It's a fact.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> The human body is a system of systems. The systems are run by chemicals. It's extremely complex. We still to not understand all of it. I'd venture to say that we don't understand most of it.
> 
> Things go wrong in gestation or with DNA more often than we think. It's completely possible that a person is born with hormonal problems that make then have no desire for sex.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree that things can go wrong. But that, in effect, is saying that asexuality is not a _normal_ variation. It happens when something goes wrong, for example, as you say, glands that over produce, glands that underproduce, etc. It is because of some aberration, but in no way can be construed as normal. In fact, some of these aberrations may have deleterious effects on one's health--aside from sexuality. I cared for a hermaphrodite at one time, for example. She identified herself as female, so I will respect that and refer to her as such. Her hermaphroditism not only affected her sexuality, but the same mutations that caused it also led to congenital heart defects and vascular problems. She spent many weeks in the ICU because of it. 

If he was born with low production of testosterone, for example, this would manifest itself in other ways--small genitalia, decreased secondary sex characteristics, etc. The OP has not implied that this is the case. 

From what she is describing, his asexuality is something that may be psychological in origin. He has constantly neglected her emotional needs as well as her physical needs, so this tells me that he has problems forming intimate adult relationships. His asexuality is only the tip of the iceberg. He seems to have emotional intimacy issues. But it also appears that it is something he refuses to work on.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

ABC- I think it's too late to be honest. I feel like doing that but then when I think about it I just don't want sex with him anymore! Not sure if he cares about divorce or not but am going to have to speak to him as I can't live like this anymore.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Quite honestly, 3 days is the max before I need something. Seems to me there has to be more to his lack of interest.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

The thing is, you cant keep on living like that, its not fair to yourself. The kids will survive, eventually they grow up and have lives of their own, in the mean time they will still have both parents. You at least will probably be happier if you moved on, I would imagine this would eventually have a positive effect on your kids as well. If you remain in the marriage and are not happy at all, what good is it all?
I know its easier said than done but something you should seriously consider, ask yourself, will things ever get better between you two?


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

roostr- thanks for your comments, yes I know you are right. I don't think he is going to change this is the way he is. I just have to find the courage to tell him I want a divorce.X


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Kate40 said:


> roostr- thanks for your comments, yes I know you are right. I don't think he is going to change this is the way he is. I just have to find the courage to tell him I want a divorce.X


Good luck.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Kate, does he have any sexual interests? Watch porn? Any chance he is gay? any odd magazine subscriptions?

There are actual asexuals. Some of them want a loving relationship with the other sex, they just never want sex. It is certainly baffling to a normal person to think of asexuality, but it does exist on the fringes. 

I guess I would try to find ANY sign of sexual interest in him, and pursue it to see if it can turn him on. Including kinkier things you have never tried before with him. He might be hiding some secret fetish. No matter how odd it might be, you can always role play the fetish, such as dressing up a certain way to turn him on, etc.

Asexuals....I think you are going to be out of luck

you mention he "will have more time for you when the kids are gone". Maybe he is embarrassed to have sex with the kids in the house? Anyone you can dump them on for a day? A grandma? Weekend camp? Lose the kids, put on some incredibly sexy lingerie, walk in the room and say "why HELLO cowboy"


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Its cross stuff of the list time. First and easiest. Low testosterone? Second. Abused? Hard to get honesty with this.
Third. Gay? Probably even harder to get honesty with this.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Kate40 said:


> I have just joined and am looking for some advice. I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years, met him 19 years ago. We have two children age 7 and 4. . So for the men out there, how long could you go without sex? If you were in my position what would you do?


I am in your position unfortunately. Almost exactly. Children are 8 and 4. My wife said a lot of the same things as yours.

Things finally boiled over 2 days ago after years of complete and utter indifference towards intimacy with me. She said she doesn't love me. Probably hasnt for a very long time.

I'm not an idiot. I know a person who loves someone doesnt avoid sex at all costs. So ya. There it is. Think long and hard if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I'm kinda like your husband Kate, except I want sex, just not with my wife. I wish things were different, I think she could change me back to wanting her again, if she tried, but she doesn't. We've been going thru this process for a long time and I have been emphatically honest with her about what is driving me away, but she just refuses to address the issues. That made me believe that she doesn't really care.

One of the things you said in your original post stood out to me. Your own image issues. My wife is the same way. Especially now that she is older. Fact is, I didn't see her the way she saw herself. I thought she was gorgeous and desired her as strongly as I ever did. But she was steadfast in her own thought that she was not attractive. It pissed me off to be honest, it downplayed my strong feelings, it drove me away. I realized nothing was as unattractive to me as a woman who didn't feel attractive or who lacked confidence to be sexually open with her husband. I gave up eventually.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Thanks again for your comments. It really does help.

OkeyDokey- can I ask why you don't want sex with your wife? Is it because of her lack of confidence in her body? What I would say is I am probably the complete opposite now. I hit 35 and realised that I did have a good figure ( told on a drunken work night out by a man in my office I had a very sexy figure..can't begin to tell you what that did for me and he is fit!) Why can't my husband see this?? I know I am not perfect and I think with age I can see my flaws and all the good bits. Some men would kill to have a wife who looked like me ( sorry I don't mean to sound big headed) but after years of putting myself down I have seen the light. My husband was never the type to pay me compliments or tell me I looked nice. I could spend 2 hours getting ready for a special event..wedding, new dress, hair done and I may as well have been wearing a black bag! He just doesn't see me. I don't think I am going to change him.

Sinnister- not sure if he loves me and think he is here for the kids. I asked him if he liked being married to me and he said of course he did! Probably because I clean the house and do all of his ironing!

Murphy- I have never found anything, I honestly don't think he is interessted. I did ask him if he was gay and he told me no. He doesn't really go out much apart from exercise so I am not suspicious about him meeting up with people. I don't think he is embarrassed about having sex with the kids in the house. We didn't really have much sex before they came along. As I have already mentioned during the school holidays the children sleep over my parents so for 2 nights every week we have been alone for the past 3 weeks and nothing. We went to Rome for my 40th birthday in June, 3 nights in a wonderful hotel and nothing..he didn't even kiss me. I think he is asexual and doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is.


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## brendanoco (Aug 6, 2014)

You need to be honest with him tell him if he does not satisfy your sexual needs than someone else will.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Kate40 said:


> OkeyDokey- can I ask why you don't want sex with your wife? Is it because of her lack of confidence in her body? What I would say is I am probably the complete opposite now. I hit 35 and realised that I did have a good figure ( told on a drunken work night out by a man in my office I had a very sexy figure..can't begin to tell you what that did for me and he is fit!) Why can't my husband see this?? I know I am not perfect and I think with age I can see my flaws and all the good bits. Some men would kill to have a wife who looked like me ( sorry I don't mean to sound big headed) but after years of putting myself down I have seen the light. My husband was never the type to pay me compliments or tell me I looked nice. I could spend 2 hours getting ready for a special event..wedding, new dress, hair done and I may as well have been wearing a black bag! He just doesn't see me. I don't think I am going to change him.
> 
> .


Her lack of confidence turned into sexual shyness and things we once enjoyed fell off the menu. My interpretation was that she just wasn't into sex anymore, it became so boring and infrequent I just lost interest. I tried for years to pull her out of it with no success. I'm glad you found confidence again, I cannot understand your husbands lack of desire for you. I will say that after this many years my wife suddenly turned it around, I would not be interested and in fact would wonder what flipped her switch.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

I am sorry to hear that. I think it's the opposite with us, he is the one who isn't interested. I am a bit like you now, something inside me has switched off towards him, how can you treat somebody you are suppose to love that way? I don't think I even want sex with him anymore.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> I am sorry to hear that. I think it's the opposite with us, he is the one who isn't interested. I am a bit like you now, something inside me has switched off towards him, how can you treat somebody you are suppose to love that way? I don't think I even want sex with him anymore.


In your case, Kate, this switch in you is turned to "off" because he has emotionally alienated you. There is no emotional and love connection, so how can there be a sexual connection? 

I am very curious as to how his other adult relationships are. Has he ever been in an intimate adult relationship with anyone before you? How did it end up? What is his relationship with his parents? Does he have friends? How close? Siblings?

I can see that he is a dedicated father. So yes, he can form a bond with his children. But can he form a relationship with adults? That is the question. 

Have you discussed with him yet how you are thinking of divorce? If you have not, please consider those "I" statements I wrote a couple of pages back when you do. And I recommend you do it soon, as this is obviously eating away at you. Perhaps he'll wake up and realize that his inability to emotionally give to you is wrong and dysfunctional. Perhaps not. But in either case, it is obvious that you can not go on like this.

And do tell us how you are doing. This must be a difficult time for you, and sometimes you may just need a place to vent.


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## Kate40 (Aug 10, 2014)

Happygilmore- thanks for your kinds words. You are right what you say about there being no love or emotional connection.

He did have girlfriends before me but not sure if any of them were longterm or serious....

He gets on well with his parents although in my view they have a bit of a strange marriage and he has grown up seeing that as normal. They are quite separate people and do their own things and go on holiday on their own. He has a few close friends and a brother who he sees regularly.

I haven't discussed divorce with him, I just feel lost and don;t know where to start. Thanks for your help X


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> I think he is asexual and doesn't see anything wrong with the way he is.


I guess I see your dilemma. Not sure what the heck to advise. 

I personally could not live without sex and love. I suppose if my wife could not give it to me, after I had tried everything and got her counseling and medical checkups from a few specialists...I would start looking elsewhere.

If a person is truly asexual, then they should not care much if you found another sex partner. I would probably ask for permission to find a buddy, and find some platonic sex elsewhere, and come home for roommate type married life (the laundry, meals together, trips, having friends over, etc). 

I suppose another married person in exactly the same situation, one with sexless spouse who gives them permission to find a friend, would make some sense. That way there is no tendancy for one to fall in love with the buddy.

but that behavior, while it might save my sanity and preserve the trappings of a married life, is still pretty far out there. I would really try getting professional help for the asexual spouse first, to really make sure it is asexuality, and not something else.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> I guess I see your dilemma. Not sure what the heck to advise.
> 
> I personally could not live without sex and love. I suppose if my wife could not give it to me, after I had tried everything and got her counseling and medical checkups from a few specialists...I would start looking elsewhere.
> 
> ...


Kate is looking not for just sex, but for love and intimacy. She has been describing a not only sexless marriage, but a _loveless_ one. She needs closeness, to be cared for, to be loved, to be desired. An open marriage would not provide that for her. I am opposed on principle to open marriages, for my own reasons, but in this case especially, it would not address her needs. 

As I see the situation, the husband has some sort of psychogenic asexuality, be it that he has a personality disorder, mental illness, or merely that this was the way he was raised (i.e., his parents modeled this kind of "relationship"). In any event, he doesn't see anything wrong with his behavior, even though he has been cold and alienating to his wife--who he should be taking care of. She cried herself to sleep many nights and he did nothing. He lacks empathy, and sees nothing wrong with it. Counseling is in order, perhaps even intensive psychotherapy (for him), but if he sees nothing wrong with his actions, he will do nothing to correct them. She wants to be loved, cherished, desired, and he cannot or will not do these basic things for her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> I have just joined and am looking for some advice. I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years, met him 19 years ago. We have two children age 7 and 4. My husband has never been interested in sex and we went years without sex even in the beginning. I have always lacked confidence in the way that I look and always felt that my husband was too good for me.As I have got older I realise that I am overly critical of myself and for my age am in good shape and been told I am very attractive and don't look my age. I know now I should never have put up with it and never have married him. If I didn't have the children I would have left him by now.
> 
> Spoke to my husband 4 years ago and told him how unhappy I am and I wanted more intimacy/sex. He basically told me he was too busy with the kids and would have time for me when when they were older. When pushed on the lack of sex issue he tells me what we have is normal. Around this time things did improve and I had pity sex about once a month. Things have slipped back to normal again and last had sex with him 23 May 2013.
> 
> ...


Kate40,

I did not read anymore of the thread other than this post you made. So, my answer does not contain questions of ED or lack of testosterone, etc. 

Your story reads exactly like mine and my wife. Short background, married 20 years. Two daughters. House. Cars. Dogs. Vacations. The usual. 

Ok, my wife is exactly like you. Desired intimacy as often as possible. For me, 1-2 a week or every 2 weeks was A-OK. I was more driven to provide a home, heating, cooling, food and the electricity on. To me, this was proving my love. Unfortunate it was not and is not in the physical sense. For years my wife would tell me sex/intimacy was an important part of marriage and she would like more of it. She told me(after so many years) that she would cry at night feeling rejected and physically unattractive because I did make or initiate sex often. One day she just accepted that this was me and she would live with it. This went on for 20 years. Before I beat myself over the head with a baseball bat with your help, we did have intimacy and the marriage is fantastic. However, if could be better for my W if intimacy was more than what was occurring.

This brings me to the 2x4 that whacked me in the back of the head. Thinking that this issue was enough to make my wife cry silently in the night it also had the same potential to make my wife do other things. What might that be? Divorce, affair, detaching entirely but being housemates, etc. She did none of this. She stayed the course of her vows 20 years ago. It took me no less than a millisecond to realize what an incredible woman she really is as a result of standing by my side even with her sorrow for a part of our marriage that was lacking. In short, it is profound the loyalty and devotion she has demonstrated all these years when she had every right to divorce or perpetrate getting her emotional/physical needs from some other man. She only wanted more touching, physical intimacy and emotional needs fulfilled. There plainly was no reason I could not do that. NONE! 

I did one huge 180 in the good sense here. I now take everyday to cherish her. In short, I make every day as if we were dating as we did 20 years ago. Hand holding. Flowers unexpected on any given day. Texting(sexting) all day. Notes left behind for her to find. Physical intimacy just about daily!!! Sometimes twice a day. I have rediscovered my wife. The 2x4 to the head made me realize what a simple request that she had and how enjoyable it really is to fulfill that request. My wife did not know what made me change like I did. I sat her down and talked about how stupid I was not to see the forest for the trees. I expressed to her I was mismanaging a very precious thing. Our marriage. She is my wife who carried our two daughters. Seen me through 3 collapsed lungs. Stood with me through thick and thin. Why the hell could I not fulfill the simple request of more affection and intimacy? There was none!

So, what to do? Grab a large 2x4(figuratively) and whack you husband over the head. Kids, hobbies and jobs do not take precedence over ones W/H. You know why? At the end of the day guess who is standing by your side when the smoke clears? Your W and or H. When I realized this I turned her world upside down. She has responded 100 fold and is providing as much individual attention to me as I do for her. 

Your husband needs to realize you are not just another mouth to feed(my wife has said that to me sometimes. She said I sometimes made her feel that way). You are the person who has stood by him since the "I do." The very simple request for more physical intimacy should be fulfilled. It is an important part of the marriage. I do not think I need to tell you that. What I am telling you is get it in his head MC might be a good start(bit of a mediator only) in expressing the one thing in your marriage that would make it perfect. More intimacy! I does not cost anything! 

I hope you H gets his 2x4 to the noggin. I have no doubt when he does he will realize he has been a bit foolish in this part of the marriage. I sure the hell did. I'm glad I got it through my thick head!!! Continue to tell your H the need for more intimacy. Think about MC for a session or two. 

Hell, have him read my story. You are his significant other. He needs to make you feel that way.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> Hi Elegirl and Murphy..thank you very much for taking the time to reply.
> 
> I think the problem is now he has rejected me so many times, I just can't go there anymore. I don't understand how you can do that to somebody you are suppose to love. I don't think he understands the impact of his actions. The children are most definitely his priority not me I know that. There is no instruction book as you know. However, W comes first and is the priority. H needs to know this.
> 
> ...


 We know that venting here on the forums is therapeutic to a degree. However, H needs to read this post or you sit him down and lay it out on the table for him. Honestly, your request of more intimacy is in no way shape or form out of line. H priorities need adjusting. If he does not, the kids grow and move, who will be standing next to him saying, "We did it."? Not you. He needs to realize grasp that and own it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> Longwalk..I honestly don't think so. I walk in on him in his study to try and catch him out but he's either doing a crossword or watching tv..he isn't interested. I didn't get married to get divorced and I am really afraid of the impact it will have on the children but when other people are also telling me this too I know I am not being silly. Nobody knows about our situation I am too embarrassed to tell anybody. To the outside world we are "the perfect family"..if only they knew.


There a more people in the same situation than I care to count. You are not alone. This has occurred since the day man met woman. The 1950's was the not always the "good old days" for many wives/mothers. 

Do not allow the impact on the children to create the path for you. If you have honestly put forth your best effort in making this work then suffering the fruitless marriage is not a path I would recommend. You have tried everything and no one can find any fault in doing the best one can. The kids will be ok. 


I'm willing to bet your H is really not grasping what you are saying and asking. You are another project in another compartment in the house. He needs to really see the light and HEAR what you are saying.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kate40 said:


> Thanks again for your replies it really helps me to read that this isn't normal and read your advice.
> 
> Jogegene- I did want sex with my husband lots of it but as I know he doesn't seem to have any natural desire I don't want him like that anymore. I have stood in front of him naked and he will just look straight through me and walk out the room. I am in good shape for my age, not perfect by any means but don't think he can be repulsed by me. He is 44 years old, very fit, goes running 3 times a week, cycles, football and gym. He doesn't look his age. He has no medical conditions at all and not on any treatment. He has been like this since a young age, god knows what it's going to be like when he is in his 50s. When he was giving me pity sex he told me we couldn't have sex in the week as he was too tired?????? I don't think I could ever be too tired for sex.
> 
> ...


Essentially you are room mates.


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## FrustratedLover (Sep 9, 2014)

Kate40 - I feel your pain. Isn't life a bi*ch sometimes! I have the same problem as you but I'm a guy. I would give my right testicle to have a woman that was interested in sex.  

One of the main things I wanted in marriage was a good lively sex life. Is that really too much to ask for? I'm athletic, six pac abs, and well kept. But her lack of sexual interest really makes me question if there is something wrong with me or what I am doing. (no I am not lacking in the under-the-belt area in case you were wondering)
When we were dating she seemed horny enough. We waited to have sex till we were married and she really hasn't been that interested in sex in the 10 years of marriage so far. I keep thinking...oh its gonna get better. But it hasn't. It's got to be the most frustrating thing there can be in life.

I believe in marriage and I'm a really really patient guy, but this is really hard for me because I love sex.

So to answer your question: 
As a guy here are the possible things that could turn a guy off.
And this is for any other woman reading this post as well.
I know I can't speak for all men in the world but I consider myself to be a pretty normal male.
I will be very blunt and candid with you and speak truth:

1.) Make sure your a** and front are clean. Shower frequently and really give it a good scrub in the shower deep in the crevices. Even if you are a hot woman it can be a major turnoff if there are smells wafting up from your various cracks. Put some light perfume on your a**, front, neck, and chest area. Men like that. Make sure its not bitter tasting perfume though.
2.) Shave that thing. Men are visual and they like to see the goods not a bush of pubic hair. Even if you just trim it up its better than nothing. We're also alot more likely to want to go down on you if it is nice, clean, and shaven. Also, it's easier to get in when there is not a bunch of hair in the way, not to mention easier to keep clean.
3.) If you have chest hair, back hair, underarm hair, lip hair, or a** hair...go get it waxed. It's a turnoff to be kissing a womans nipple and find a hair there with your mouth. 
4.) If you are overweight try and loose some. It does matter even if he tells you it doesn't. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Don't beat yourself up about it though. Just make it a positive lifestyle change and you will feel better about yourself too.
5.) Break his routine. Men do have a one track mind if they are very involved in something like work or special projects. This can be to the point of neglecting things in life such as sex, friends, and family. Find a way to gently break his routine and derail his track for a little while so he thinks about other things. This may take some time and creativity but if it works then you know what the problem was. 
6.) Wear some tight clothes that show off some stuff. Always look nice and sexy.
7.) Just about any man will get in the mood if you just start fondling his goods. Even if he wasn't in the mood, he will be soon. You could be ugly as hell and still get him horny that way. That's just the way were wired. Hook him in that way for a few weeks and then stop. He might just come crawling to you for more. 
8.) Don't be a nag. Men hate it when their wives nag at them, so much so that it could be a turnoff. Be more suggestive and less nagging. I'm not talking about nagging for sex, but just naggy in general.
9.) Brush your teeth. Needless to say, waking up to crap-breath or seeing particles wedged in your teeth is a turnoff.
10.) Ask him if he wants to do something different for a change. A lot of women will get to the point where they only want to be in their favorite one or two sex possitions. Be open to trying different things. Doggy style possitions feel really good to guys because of the way it rubs on the head, especially if the woman is moving too.
Sit in his lap facing forward or have him lay in the floor and face his toes while you ride him.

If you try all these things and he really doesn't seem interested in you there are ways to test to find whats wrong. 

Is he interested in women in general? 
Take him out to somewhere that has lots of other scantily clad women and see if his eyes start looking around at the women. If so then check...at least he's straight. If not then take him somewhere that has hot, half naked men and see what he does. 

Is it work? 
As mentioned above, find a way to break his one-track mind routine and see if that helps.

Is it a physical problem?
Suggest that he see a doctor to test hormone levels and such.


So, I now that I have laid it all out on the table, I would like to get some feedback from the women on this forum (or enlightened men).

How on earth can I make my wife more interested in sex? 
What are some things a guy can do to really just turn their woman on and get her wanting it?
What can we do to be more sexually appealing to our woman?

And the last question that I have been wondering lately after 10 years of hum-drum sex...well really a few questions in one:
Is it uncommon for women to actually crave sex like guys do...I mean, can they really just physically crave to be penetrated by a man like a man craves to penetrate a woman to feel that heart pounding surge of emotion and bliss with their partner in their arms? Do they want to just explore every way (within reasonable limits) to be physically close to their partner? Does an orgasm for a woman just feel like the best thing the earth has to offer like it does for a man? 
Or is it different for a woman, is the motivation different? What is it that makes women want to have sex and seek it out frequently?
Maybe if I knew the answer to this I could solve my delimna.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l think he's just lost interest. But desire comes from everything not just physical appearance, for me it starts when you get up not from when you go to bed. Stuff she does , how she acts , things you talk about , the way she treats me, clothes she wares. A wife and l'm sure a husband to can put you off in a million ways but so can life and the rut, kids , mortgage , work, bills. What is every day life like. Is all you talk about bills and kids and jobs?
Yeah kids will survive sure but it's hell after divorce for them and for a long time, what kids wouldn't rather grow up with mum and dad in the same home.
Me and my ex , we should've reconnected. We should've gone out to tea and stuff , drives alone , concerts , walks , shopping , anything but just made some us time , away from everything else and reconnected again . It would've saved our marriage and totally changed the way l feel about her. But it will take some time , not just one offs.
Maybe after a few he starts to enjoy it and realize the you two you both lost a long time a go.
lf he starts to enjoy being with you again and the reconnection , that goes through all the way to affection , feelings , desire.

Divorce is ugly and very hard , especially on the kids so unless there's absolutely no future together


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