# 18 months affter H affair what next?



## jay62 (Feb 16, 2010)

It has now been 18 months since I found out that my H cheated on me. Since then we have had our ups and downs (mostly downs) and I have threatened to make him leave a few times but I always back down. He says he is sorry and has been trying to keep our family together. The problem that I have is that I cannot forget what happened I replay it over and over and if I am in a bad mood I take it out on my h.
The problem is why cannot I forgive him after this time I am continually questioning him and I do not trust him or even like him very much. After 25 years together why did he risk losing me and his family?
Will this get any better?? 
I don't know if we are going to make it and I dont know if I want it too.

Any insight and thoughts would be very much appreciated 

many thanks


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sorry to hear of your trouble. My H also had an affair, so I can understand your dilemma. I tried to view my anger towards him in another light. It worked for me, so I will throw it out there and see if it makes any sense to you. I thought of the worst thing I had ever done in my life ( before marriage and during) and asked myself if I wanted to be defined by that for the rest of my life. Of course not. So I applied the same reasoning to my H. Helped me understand how unfair it would be of me to constantly hold this against him. 

Has he stayed within any boundaries or requests you have asked of him since??


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## jay62 (Feb 16, 2010)

Thanks Dawn for replying
I can see where you are coming from but I cannot seem to forgive what he has done. 
We live in a small town and everyone has been talking about this and he lost his job over it all as it happened at work. He found another job which he comes home from every night he always says he loves me and has kept all my requests up in all this time. 
While he was having his affair he went to work and came home at the normal time and acted as everything was ok. I feel so let down, as I have told him he was the one that changed, our life and our family life never changed but he did and it wasn't enough for him then so why is it now? He says there was no reason for him to have and affair but the opportunity arose and he took it. If there was no reason it could happen again.

I hope things are going well with your own life many thanks and sorry for rambling


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
It saddens me to hear the story you have told, I am a BS with a long term marriage as well. 27 years.........I think you still feel the disrespect and you are still trying to make sense of someone else's decisions, you can't do that, you will drive yourself crazy, I know it's tough I tried that as well, it seemed like every time I came up with a reason, my husband didn't love me, my husband wasn't happy in the marriage or with me............he loved someone else.........None of the answers made me feel good....but my mind needed to find something that made sense......My husband said to me one time when we were talking that it didn't even make sense to him what he had done, he made a big mistake and he is very remorseful for what pain he has caused everyone involved..........
The WS's are in their own hell with the guilt they feel......I think if you truly can't let go then you should separate and find a life without each other..............
I think recovery is very tough and an affair is so hard to get over, it really plays with your self esteem..........I find some therapy for me has helped rebuild that. It would hurt to try to talk to a professional about everything you are feeling.
Do you really want to punish your husband still or do you want to have a happy life together filling each others needs.
Are you going to let a little period of time that he wasn't a great husband ruin your whole life together, life is tough to live through without making any mistakes................I think it's time to fight for what is yours and make it what you want you are in the power seat here, it's all about how you use it...........


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I know it makes it a lot harder when people around you know, and you wonder if they are whispering about you or what they think about you/your family. Small towns can be horrid for that.

I share your fear over knowing that it could very well happen again, but I know I can't control it. All I can do is decide if my husband was worth taking a chance on. I chose to take that chance, but no one can tell you the answer on that one. I have crystal clear boundaries on the subject of cheating. I forgave and stayed this time. If a next time comes around, all we need to talk about is the coming divorce. I will not stay through another affair, and he is VERY aware of that.

I think when they do have these affairs, they don't quite realize what its going to do to their families. It seems silly to us, but when you ask some of the people here who have cheated, thinking about whats going to happen to their spouse and children doesn't really come into the picture until the s*** hits the fan. I do believe one poster told me that my husband actually had to SEE the fallout from his affair to recognize the effects it would have.

It is a seriously hard place to be, and I hope that you will post to vent, ask, talk, whatever you need to do. I wish you well!


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## jay62 (Feb 16, 2010)

Thanks dawn and jess I really appreciate you both replying.
Most days I start with a positive attitude and things will look a little brighter and better, but it doesn't take long for it all to come too much and even after 18 months there is always some one asking how I am, and are we still together and what is he doing now. 
I actually still don't know what I want, our oldest girl (19) tries to keep every one happy and the younger (15) one looks at her dad with hurt all the time and she never starts a conversation with him and they used to be very close. 
I want to stay and make it work for them so much and for them to have a stable happy home which they had for all these years. I don't think I am strong enough to carry on feeling as if I am not good enough and wondering what I did wrong. He has let me and the girls down a couple of times over christmas (stayed out drinking with work mates) instead of meeting up with us.
I do know that I have to make up my mind and not let things carry on like this. If I mention it my h says it was 18 months ago and to let it go but that is easier said then done.

This is the most awfully thing to happen to anyone and I just wish if some one is going to cheat to look at their wife/husband and kids and really see what they would put them through!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

jay62, you aren't strong enough to heal you kids. No one is. Everyone has to heal themselves. You can talk to your girls, he can talk to them, but they have to make the decision as to how they will feel about their Dad.
You have to make the decision as to how you want to feel about your husband.
It's hard, but as Dawn says, it can be done. My wife and I both had to do it, too.
I still have hurt feelings and she says that she does too, but we push them out as soon as they pop in and think of something positive.
If you and your husband have truly reconciled and love each other, you can do this. You also need to tell him about your feelings and maybe he can even help you with them.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jay62 -- Have you guys done anything to strengthen your marriage since you found out?? Have you worked on yourselves in any form? You might have said it in a previous post, I just don't remember.

It is true that if you mention his affair, he will tell you its been 18 months. And it has. BUT what is fair game is to ask that your needs be met by him and to ask what his needs are so you can be the one meeting them. (I know at this point you might not really want to have to meet his, but we have to be fair ). Talk about what feelings you have RIGHT NOW. You feel inadequate. (I did also). Talk about that. Talk about how to help you NOT feel inadequate. Maybe you need him to use more Words of Affirmation with you. You can talk about your feeling since the affair without having to talk about the affair. ( if that made any sense) Have a conversation with him. Hey, I have been feeling .......... and .......... I feel like you can help me with this by .......

I know it sucks, I really do. And it isn't easy to get over by any means. But all you can do is work on yourself and get you to a happy place. I probably made some wrong turns in my recovery with the H ( like DEMANDING counseling, even though we needed it I probably shouldn't have demanded it LOL) and none of us is perfect. So figure out what you might need to be happy. Is it to pick up a new hobby? Spend more quality time with the H?


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