# Broken Vows



## DesiringGodsBest (Dec 20, 2017)

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and I am reaching out to ask for godly input regarding my marriage, which is currently in shambles. I was married last February to my friend of 9 years. We had a long distance relationship through the majority of our relationship, and I knew that he had a past addiction to pornography. Before we entered into a relationship, I told him that I would only be in a relationship if he was free from pornography and not living to fulfill the lust of the flesh. He told me that he was delivered, free from it for more than a year, and that he was never going to turn back to that. Fast forward to eight months into our marriage, I discovered that he had porn still on several devices (phone, cameras, computers, hard drives, storage devices), he had a browsing history of STALKING my female friends on Facebook (he even tried to get a job working with one that he had developed an "unhealthy lustful interest in", according to his own words). Once he was found out, I was devastated and he was in denial at first. We have finally come to a place where he apologized, though I am not certain if he has truly repented (turned from) his ways. He got off of Facebook and did install a monitoring program on his devices, so there have been some helpful steps to try to rebuild trust, but this all came crashing down for me last night, when we were talking about renewing our vows. He wanted to have a pastor come and facilitate the renewal of our vows, but instead of renewing the vows he made to me 10 months ago, he wanted to rewrite them to soften his commitments. Instead of saying "I promise to be faithful to you", he said that he will endeavor to be faithful, but he cannot promise to me that he will never lust after anyone. He not only broke his original vows, but now isn't willing to recommit to them. I understand that we are all sinners, but I also understand that God gives us the strength to overcome our flesh through His Grace. When we live in the Spirit, and by the Spirit, we do not fulfill the desires of the flesh because we live with a renewed mind and heart. Romans 8. I am so hurt by this and it makes me feel like he isn't fit to be a husband because he isn't willing to truly live by his vows or hold himself to them. He is making provision for future sin instead of promising me that he will live in the Spirit and not seek to fulfill the carnal desires of his flesh.

There are a lot of theological differences between us (he doesn't believe that the 10 Commandments apply to present day Christians, or any other law, for that matter). There are so many other problems in our relationship besides this that have left me shattered. He has allowed his mother, for example, to trample over me with accusations and unloving judgments. He doesn't defend me or protect me. :crying:

Rather than building me up in my walk with Christ, he is continuously tethering me to the world with concern after concern. How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

You made the mistake of becoming unequally yoked. These are the fruits.

If he is unable to keep a promise to the Lord, how do you expect him to keep one to you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You married a descendant of the snake that originally slithered in Eden's Garden.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why he married you. You have nothing in common.

Excepting faith.

You having faith in him repenting.
Him having faith in you relenting, forgiving

Both blinded by something the other refused to see, accept.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

DesiringGodsBest said:


> instead of renewing the vows he made to me 10 months ago, he wanted to rewrite them to soften his commitments. Instead of saying "I promise to be faithful to you", he said that he will endeavor to be faithful, but he cannot promise to me that he will never lust after anyone. He not only broke his original vows, but now isn't willing to recommit to them.


Clever dude, negotiating the contract at the first opportunity.

It appears you didn't know him as well as you think you did and you severely overestimated his faith.

It's my understanding that God doesn't believe in divorce, and you don't want to disappoint the big guy in the sky so it looks like you're stuck until death do us part. Find a way to deal with his issues, they won't be going away anytime soon. Porn really isn't all that bad, you know the saying "If you can't beat em, join em".


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

DesiringGodsBest said:


> Rather than building me up in my walk with Christ, he is continuously tethering me to the world with concern after concern. How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?


Your writing style reminds me of a televangelist. You've obviously spent your fair share of time listening to sermons. Are you from the southern US? 

While I agree that your husband is pretty messed up, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment with your rigidity about avoiding lust of the flesh. You and your new husband should have been celebrating your love and lust for each other after you were married.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@DesiringGodsBest he has shown you who he really is. And when someone shows you who they really are, you'd best believe them.

Divorce is my suggestion. Sorry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> Clever dude, negotiating the contract at the first opportunity.
> 
> It appears you didn't know him as well as you think you did and you severely overestimated his faith.
> 
> It's my understanding that God doesn't believe in divorce, and you don't want to disappoint the big guy in the sky so it looks like you're stuck until death do us part. Find a way to deal with his issues, they won't be going away anytime soon. Porn really isn't all that bad, you know the saying "If you can't beat em, join em".


No she isn't stuck, he married her under false pretences and has committed sexual sin, that is grounds for divorce.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> No she isn't stuck, he married her under false pretences and has committed sexual sin, that is grounds for divorce.


Oh so God allows divorce under certain conditions including sexual sin and false pretenses.

I wasn't aware of that. Does it say that in the Bible?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know a lovely Christian lady who met a guy and they fell in love. She made it very clear that porn was a no no for her and he repeatedly lied about it saying that he hadn't looked at it for many many years since he was a teenager. Of course she found out 2 weeks after marriage that he was still looking and they are now divorced. She lost her trust in him not surprisingly. If only he had been honest before they married, she could have called it off and saved them having to go through a divorce.
I understand how you feel, for me as well its a total no no, and the lying as well is just as bad. You married him believing what he told you and he lied and deceived you. 

Not standing up to people when they attack our spouse is also very wrong and painful for the one who is attacked. 

Have you been to anyone in your church about this and got some advise? Are you both willing to go to a Christian marriage counsellor? That may be your next step and will help you decide what to do next. 

I honestly think that renewing vows is pointless if you meant them when you married. He made them knowing that he wasn't even keeping them then. He was lying and deceiving you when you married.
Not sure but you may even have grounds for an annulment.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> Oh so God allows divorce under certain conditions including sexual sin and false pretenses.
> 
> I wasn't aware of that. Does it say that in the Bible?


The word that Jesus uses is 'pornea' which doesnt just mean adultery but many different types of sexual sin. Its where the word porn actually comes from. 
IF you marry under false pretences the marriage is a lie.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> The word that Jesus uses is 'pornea' which doesnt just mean adultery but many different types of sexual sin. Its where the word porn actually comes from.
> IF you marry under false pretences the marriage is a lie.


From what I understand, not all people, and not all Christians, think viewing pornography is a sexual sin.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> From what I understand, not all people, and not all Christians, think viewing pornography is a sexual sin.


Most Christians do and if they dont they should, because Jesus said that lusting after other women is adultery of the heart.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP. Please know that this place TAM is not the place I would choose to have a religious discussion of your marriage. First it is many more male posters, many that will choose divorce, and the prevailing view is porn is ok. Lastly there are limited Christians. Do you regularly attend service anywhere? That would be a place to start the leadership should have people to counsel or be able to refer you to a professional who won't denigrate your faith.

For what it is worth, your husband has misled you from the beginning. Now you have to wonder did he even want to rid his mind of the Serpent? Once bitten it's venom take hold. There are known addictions. So is he weak, disingenuous or simply overtaken by the beast?

He has defiled his own mind with images and expectations that will never leave. But you knew this before you married. Why did you marry knowing he willingly did this to himself? Why did you think the Serpent was so easy to repent?

Why were you looking to renew so soon? Did you not trust the words? Are you seeking validation?

You must choose if you are willing to fight the serpent or leave him as he was broken before and is still broken.

If you do fight you must address the porn. If he is unwilling you can't fight on your own. 

With what he has shown you both the porn and stalking real women in less than a year, I fear this is not Worth saving. How can he do these things to his friend of nine years? He is flawed in so many ways.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Instead of this becoming a religious discussion I hope people will think of the OP and her request for help.

Op please don't stay in this marriage for the sake of religion. I say this as a Christian. I am probably opening myself up for judgement of how "Christian" I am. Please don't listen to a forum on whether porn is good or bad ad whether divorce is good or bad.

I'm assuming you go to church so please speak to a person you can trust or a pastor. A renewing of the vows is probably not what you need, you need counseling. I hope your husband can see that he has an addiction. I don't think he should be in a marriage. He needs to work on himself. He has a big problem and that is beyond you to fix. I suggest you both attend MC, but beyond this don't stay in a marriage for the sake of staying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like you married the wrong person. Your right he isn't fit to be a husband. Unless he truly wants to change and you truly want to put up with it. As not he is stuck in his sin. 

The good news is there are provisions to divorce such a man.


> Mathew 19:9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for *sexual immorality*, and marries another woman commits adultery.”


There is your out right there. If he doesn't want to be faithful to you, there is nothing you can do about it but you shouldn't stay married.

If you believe God is a loving father do you think he would want you to be trapped with a man who doesn't protect you? That is not how a Father would work. Ask some Fathers you know if their daughter was in your situation what they would want her to do?

The scripture is your answer. You are not in sin or a failure if you leave. Don't ruin your life because you are pious especially when you are not even following the scripture. The Pharisees did that, you know what Jesus thought of them. 

Leave this man and put your faith in God to restore you life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bonkers said:


> Oh so God allows divorce under certain conditions including sexual sin and false pretenses.
> 
> I wasn't aware of that. Does it say that in the Bible?


Yes.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He is a lying puke who needs his ass kicked.

He hides behind religion.

You can, and need, to do better than this pathetic, lying and cheating piece of crap.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Get counseling get rid of cell phones, computers, tablets, disconnect internet problem solved.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jlcrome said:


> Get counseling get rid of cell phones, computers, tablets, disconnect internet problem solved.


Maybe she likes those things. Sucks she has to get ride of it because her husband can't control himself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @DesiringGodsBest ~ beyond time to cut the tether ~ it’s more than apparent that he’s addicted and unfortunately, will never change!

Do yourself a service and go and visit with a good family attorney to be fully assessed of all of your legal rights!*


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## DesiringGodsBest (Dec 20, 2017)

Gee, isn't that a fun life? Live in a box with him and his fantasies? No thanks!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you don't consider some of the advice proffered acceptable, that is fine. I usually tell posters that if they don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.

In your case, what would you consider a "fun" life? Anything specific?


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## DesiringGodsBest (Dec 20, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> If you don't consider some of the advice proffered acceptable, that is fine. I usually tell posters that if they don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.
> 
> In your case, what would you consider a "fun" life? Anything specific?


The point of forums is to ask questions and receive input, not to agree with everything that you receive. Telling someone to get rid of phones, computers, basically anything, is not only not practical but it is very isolating and unhealthy. And that is a bandaid to the problem, rather than a solution. If a person has a lust issue, it is a heart issue, and they will find a way to fulfill it regardless of whether devices have been removed from the equation. A wife can't be expected to never leave her home, never have a smartphone, never watch TV, never use a computer, never receive another shopping catalog, never invite women over to the house, all because her husband can't control himself. That's a perversion of the life God intended-- a life of freedom, love, truth, and joy. 

So again, living in a box, isolated, with my husband's fantasies, is not a good life nor is it God's plan for me. 

Life isn't all about fun at all, but there should be more to it than to live inside of a thousand fences.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

My views, whether you want to hear them or not... is that religion should be used as a supplement and guide in your life.. if you so choose to follow one. Not a rigid set of standards to follow and associate every living moment too. You sound little too extreme for me. Your following a book that has been translated many times and re-written by kings, etc... I wouldn't take every word as 'the word of the lord' as its been change by a few 'words of the king.. at that moment in time'

He does seem slightly uninterested in committing to you fully and that is a definite problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DesiringGodsBest said:


> The point of forums is to ask questions and receive input, not to agree with everything that you receive. ... Life isn't all about fun at all, but there should be more to it than to live inside of a thousand fences.


Uh, yeah ... I think I have a basic understanding of the point of this and other forums. I asked you what you considered a "fun" life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DesiringGodsBest said:


> A wife can't be expected to never leave her home, never have a smartphone, never watch TV, never use a computer, never receive another shopping catalog, never invite women over to the house, all because her husband can't control himself.


Maybe I missed something here, but I don't recall anyone advising you not to invite friends to your home or pull the plug on receiving catalogs ...

You are receiving advice from strangers in cyberspace. As we say in Al-Anon, "take what you need and leave the rest."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> Oh so God allows divorce under certain conditions including sexual sin and false pretenses.
> 
> I wasn't aware of that. Does it say that in the Bible?


Yes. Matthew 5:31




Diana7 said:


> The word that Jesus uses is 'pornea' which doesnt just mean adultery but many different types of sexual sin. Its where the word porn actually comes from.
> IF you marry under false pretences the marriage is a lie.


Last I checked, the currently used definition of "pornea" is sexual immorality. So, any sexual immorality could be considered grounds for divorce. 





DesiringGodsBest said:


> The point of forums is to ask questions and receive input, not to agree with everything that you receive. Telling someone to get rid of phones, computers, basically anything, is not only not practical but it is very isolating and unhealthy. And that is a bandaid to the problem, rather than a solution. If a person has a lust issue, it is a heart issue, and they will find a way to fulfill it regardless of whether devices have been removed from the equation. A wife can't be expected to never leave her home, never have a smartphone, never watch TV, never use a computer, never receive another shopping catalog, never invite women over to the house, all because her husband can't control himself. That's a perversion of the life God intended-- a life of freedom, love, truth, and joy.
> 
> So again, living in a box, isolated, with my husband's fantasies, is not a good life nor is it God's plan for me.
> 
> Life isn't all about fun at all, but there should be more to it than to live inside of a thousand fences.


Your husband is a porn addict. Would you take an alcoholic to a bar? Would you have liquor in the house knowing your alcoholic spouse might drink it? Of course not! So, if you want to stay married you might have to make a few changes. No smart phone for him. No private computer for him. No porn on the TV via blocking pay per view and on demand services through the cable company. That kind of thing.

If you don't want to restrict his access to porn you have two other choices. 1) Accept him as is or 2) File for divorce.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DesiringGodsBest said:


> Rather than building me up in my walk with Christ, he is continuously tethering me to the world with concern after concern. How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?


Rather than argue about other opinions offered thus far, I am returning to your original concern/question. You can't ... as in, be with a man who not only broke his vows, but refuses to recommit to them. I don't see any other answer here. It strikes me that he pulled a bait-and-switch on you. Basically, you have been deceived. Don't compromise on something you find wrong. I'm not advocating divorce, but a separation may give him the time to reconsider the error of his ways.


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## DesiringGodsBest (Dec 20, 2017)

Thank you. I appreciate your responses. It's a very difficult situation to be in, and it helps to have input knowing that some might have experienced similar things.


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## sahtrader (Dec 19, 2017)

That's a real difficult situation to be in. Honestly I'd be tempted to divorce him ASAP if I weren't a Christian. First, there's the duty for the husband to seek actual help for his addiction and commit to overcoming it (which apparently is not happening). Then there's the duty to restore broken trust. Since he does not appear to be willing to overcome his addiction I would make doubly sure not to have any kids with this man. When he's caught having an affair, I'd go ahead and divorce him. It may even be "allowed" to start the divorce process already since he is being sexually immoral, and unrepentantly so. Be sure to start gathering evidence of his infidelity and store it in a safe place. It's going to be difficult since his family is already going after you for being "judgmental" but it would be more worth it to be single with no children than to be stuck in a miserable marriage with children in the picture. It also seems to me that he is using the renewing the vows ceremony as a means to justify his wrongdoing and getting the pastor on his side. Also be sure not to isolate yourself from your friends and family, it would be good to have a shoulder to lean on when your going through this tough time.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am not very religious, and in fact have a running battle with several branches of various religions. But I fully agree with you that if you want to have a husband who agrees with you about pornography use then you deserve to have such a husband. 

You should be able to trust the man you find if he tells you he does agree with you. Whatever basis you two use to come to the conclusion that pornography use is not good is of no concern to me. The only important thing is you both agree.

But your husband is deceitful, and lied to you in order to capture you. Why he would do that is a mystery. It is possible you are well worth catching. And addicts often cannot believe their problem will ever actually destroy their lives, such as your husband's addiction will.

There is also the possibility he won't be very heartbroken after your divorce. He got you for a while, and now he gets to move on to another score. You are just another notch on his belt.

Sorry to say I think he cares more for the notches than he does for you. He was hoping to gather more notches while he was married to you. Your friends were his targets. His next victims.


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## DesiringGodsBest (Dec 20, 2017)

I think you nailed it WilliamM. Since December, we tried counseling - three different programs, and he still continued to betray me and then go and seek out the pity of his friends and family because I don't trust him. They refuse to hold him accountable and put the blame on me for not giving him a chance. Hello? I've stayed this long and he has had PLENTY of chances to choose differently. He made his choice and now so have I. I've realized that he simply is not the person that he pretended to be, and I was just a conquest for him. One that he has lost. We are going our separate ways. Thank you all for the support and input. May God bless you in your journeys.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bonkers said:


> Clever dude, negotiating the contract at the first opportunity.
> 
> It appears you didn't know him as well as you think you did and you severely overestimated his faith.
> 
> It's my understanding that God doesn't believe in divorce, and you don't want to disappoint the big guy in the sky so it looks like you're stuck until death do us part. Find a way to deal with his issues, they won't be going away anytime soon. Porn really isn't all that bad, you know the saying "If you can't beat em, join em".


Divorce is allowed for certain reasons. The word Jesus uses is pornea which includes all sort of sexual sins and is where the word porn comes from.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bonkers said:


> Oh so God allows divorce under certain conditions including sexual sin and false pretenses.
> 
> I wasn't aware of that. Does it say that in the Bible?


Beware, this isn't a let's debate God thread. 

It's about how to support and perhaps offer any kindly support and life experiences that may help and lift her up emotionally and perhaps with information she can use.

I.E. DBAD


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