# Taking Ownership



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Taking Ownership.

It seems that a common theme when a WS comes clean / is discovered and they really want to reconcile is the idea of taking ownership of what they have done.
I have written this after some overnight thought and, from my past work experiences, I have my own concept for taking full ownership of problems. It’s the process I used when mistakes occurred and it helped me greatly in preventing them from happening again. I hope it is of some value – and I hope it helps some WS’ understand the first step that is needed to have any chance of moving forwards.

Many WS’ think, and some genuinely believe, that they have taken responsibility and ‘owned’ the situation, when in fact all they have done is accept the knowledge that they’re in the wrong – usually in a subconscious (or even conscious) attempt to end the interrogation there and ‘move on’. These people are often left puzzled as to why the BS doesn’t accept their knowledge of wrongdoing as a foundation to move forward. The reality is that knowledge is NOT the same as ownership. As an example:

‘I’m sorry! I know it shouldn’t have happened, but I felt so alone...blah blah.’
‘I should never have done it. I know it was wrong, it’s just that I....blah blah.’
‘What happened is my fault. I should never have let it happen, but I felt....blah blah.’

Often a WS will accept the wrong but will then try and justify it with a ‘But’. Often this justification reaction is not even intentional; it’s something we do from being small children. Just ask little Tim across the road who has kicked his football through Mrs Chidwicks greenhouse window. Ask him what happened and you won’t get a red faced, ‘Sorry.’ You will get a 10 minute running commentary on how someone kicked the ball to him, he passed to so and so who kicked it too high then someone else got the ball and...... You get the picture. He KNOWS he is in the wrong, but wants to dampen the effect of being the primary cause and liability. This holds true with adults too, ESPECIALLY when their actions have caused serious damage to an individual. It seems in part to be a kind of avoidance behaviour. 
When kids give us these stories, we know them to be BS, scold them and make them ensure it doesn’t happen again.
But when an adult tries this with us, we will flatly refuse to accept it. And rightly so.

So what is taking ownership.

I feel that taking true ownership of a problem can be narrowed down into three parts.
1.	Action/inaction. 
What did I / Didn’t I do that allowed the problem to exist?
What was MY part in the creation of the problem?

2.	Response
How did I allow the problem to happen?
How did I see the problem as a form of solution?

3.	Options / alternatives.
What else could I have done that would have alleviated / removed the problem?
What choices could I have taken that would have allowed me to avoid the problem?

These are to be taken as questions that one must ask THEMSELVES. They need to be asked and answered by the wrongdoer, without any reference to outside sources or influences. Only by internalising and personalising these questions WITHOUT bringing in any third parties, can one really understand their true ownership of the issue. By asking yourself these three questions, one can then accept knowledge and ownership of the problem and then make a strong and sincere apology – the real foundation needed to move forward.

A very simple ‘For example:’ (with regards to an A)

1.	What did I or didn’t I do that allowed the problem to exist?
A)	I didn’t communicate my needs to my partner. I didn’t tell him/her how I felt. I kept all my frustrations bottled up. I should have imposed my own views upon the relationship so my partner could see where I wanted us to be. Instead of ignoring my partner and letting us take each other for granted, I should have expressed my concerns on the direction of our relationship.

2.	How did I allow the problem to happen?
A)	I allowed myself to get so wrapped up in what ‘I’ was missing, I lost sight of what we were ‘BOTH’ missing. I let the attention of another to fill that void and ran with it, even though I knew it was wrong. I allowed myself to become so obsessed with the OP that I withdrew from my partner and, through my secrecy, denied them any chance of working on the relationship to benefit us both. I acted selfishly and put my own interests before our relationship needs.

3.	What could I have done that would have alleviated / removed the problem?
A)	I could have demanded that we seek MC. I could have told my partner how dissatisfied I was in our relationship and made steps to bring it back to life. I could have spent more time talking to my partner about my needs, and if that didn’t work, I could have decided to end the relationship. 

Obviously you really need to answer those questions as deeply as you can – the example was just skimming the surface. The more ground you can cover and the more honest you can be with yourself, the better the end result of ownership. Don’t be scared of facing your demons – they hold the truth. Grab them and rip it out of them. After this you should now be able to understand ownership and your apology will be unreserved and without justification.

Example:

‘I’m so, so sorry that I did what I did. I really wish that it hadn’t happened. I allowed myself to take the relationship for granted and, instead of working on us, I allowed myself to get so obsessed with what “I” wanted, without even giving you the chance to make things work. I understand that you never thought the problem was that serious between us, but that’s because I didn’t express what I needed to you, and I really wish I’d told you how I felt before I let it get to this. I should have talked about MC and spoken to you about how I felt, but I didn’t. I got it all wrong and I f***ed up big time. I’m sorry. It’s all on me.’

It’s not going to guarantee a saved relationship, but it will allow you to take ownership and understand your actions without justifying it – especially against the BS.

This process can be used for any problem that arises and it can help you better understand yourself, how problems arise and will help you minimise mistakes in the future.
Any additions welcome.

I hope you find it of benefit.
Best wishes

N-B


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

:iagree:

So much heartbreak on both sides could be avoided if the cheater to be, expressed his/her dissatisfaction to his/her spouse and how an opportunity through marital betrayal had opened up and he/she was seryiously contemplating taking it. The latter would show the unsuspecting spouse how imminently dire the situation truly is and how there is still time to help the would be cheating spouse from taking a life shattering step that can never be undone once it's taken.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Exactly Morituri, and that would end it at step 1. Easy.
My WW says she now wishes she'd shown me the text message she got from the OM asking to meet up. She know's I'd have blown my top, but it'd have been the wet fish to the face I and the relationship needed. You can't overlook something like that and pretend it's not happening.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

This is spot on. Thanks for posting this. There are lessons here for both sides (WS and BS) to learn from.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Thanks for the positive feedback folks. I sincerely hope it can help.

N-B


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I know this is an old thread, but I wanted to post on it to bring it back up because I think that you raise some really interesting points about the differences between taking ownership of one's actions and acknowledging the information that is now no longer hidden.

I think that denial, blame shifting, and gas lighting demonstrate a refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing and that they seek to circumvent the hard work of taking ownership. It's the kind of behavior we might see in children:


"I didn't take that cookie, what are you talking about?",

"Joe told me to take that cookie and I was helpless against he temptation",

"I wasn't taking the cookie for myself, I was giving Joe the cookie because he was hungry; how are you going to deprive Joe's hunger of cookies, you cruel person?"

"You're imagining things, I didn't take that cookie",

"I didn't take any cookie and that's the end of the discussion",

"That's not a cookie in the first place, you're just obsessed with cookies because you're hungry and that's why you think I took a cookie; how dare you accuse me of taking the cookie; now everyone thinks I'm a cookie thief and it's your fault!"
That kind of self-righteousness and denial and indignation and huffing and puffing makes us question our own accusations. It's as if the person wants so badly for the behavior to have not occurred that he or she will just stick to that line, pleading innocence all the way into the courtroom in the hopes that a technicality will prevail. 

Accepting wrong-doing would be like, 

"I did take the cookie. I won't do it again since you're having such a problem with it."
 There's a sense of begrudging to this kind of admission. There's no generosity or genuine concern for the hurt that has been caused or desire to understand reasons behind it. Often, the lingering, "but, I had my reasons...." is still lurking in the background. Insecurity will still taint the relationship.

Accepting ownership would be like, 

"I'm sorry I took the cookie; I know I wasn't supposed to; I won't do it again because I understand that I should not do it; I did it because it looked so yummy, but I think that next time I'll have to ask first." (Not the best analogy, because of the permission aspect, but you know what I mean, I hope).
In this instance, it seems like there is a very real effort to understand why it happened, which shows that the person isn't just going to mindlessly repeat such an action in the future. That builds trust.

It is only slightly possible that rug-sweeping will prevent the action from happening again, and only if the cheater is sufficiently ashamed of himself/herself. More likely, it would just become more covert, in the future. It doesn't really take into account the broken trust, just the transgressive behavior. It does nothing to deal with the trust that has been destroyed. The reason taking ownership is so important, I think is that it demonstrates trustworthiness in a way that avoiding it simply doesn't. People can change their behaviors out of penitence or obligation, but that isn't the same thing as accepting what happened, understanding why it happened, and safeguarding from its happening again. No one wants to have coerced someone's loyalty and that doubt will always remain if the wayward spouse hasn't taken responsibility for those actions.

Do any of you think it is possible for a wayward spouse to accept wrongdoing after a long period of time during which denial behaviors have occurred? I wonder if it's a situational tendency or a personality-linked tendency....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

There's no place for "but" when taking ownership. You stand up, you say I did it, and you accept whatever the consequences of your actions are without protest or whining.


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