# Heart is not in the marriage



## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

I have been feeling this for a long time. We have been married almost 9 years. We have two daughters that I love dearly.

Sorry for typos. On my mobile..

I just have not been feeling the love anymore . My wife is a good wife, attractive, and good mom. I just don't have the love for her that she needs and wants. I feel I have nothing to give. For years I have fantasizes divorce. Years! We split up a few times too for a few months. 

I seem to always come back the. Regretting it too. We always fight, I think she nags a lot and o hate the way we communicate. I don't even want to see a marriage counselor because I don't have it in my heart to want to fix it. 

Last week we got to the point when we were talking about divorce. I thought we were going to actually do it. I was prepared mentally to finally move on from this toxic non loving relationship. As we got off the phone, I was happy and a little scared. But willing to see the divorce through. Then all of the sudden she calls me and lays a guilt trip about not even trying counseling. We have done counseling before but I think it's a waist of time. Doesn't really fix anything. 

So I reluctantly agreed to do counseling. That was a week ago. We had sex. We were not arguing for one week. Then we are back to arguing. And I guess she expects me to find the counselor. Anyway, I just want a divorce. I have nothing to give anymore. I feel like I'm living a mediocre non fulfilling life. We are holding each other down.

But every time I have the conversation, she makes me feel guilty about how much of a good wife she is and she wants what's best for the kids. And I need to try harder at love. And I need to CHOSE to be happy. I buy in to it and stay thinking she might be right. But I'm just not happy, period. 

Financially, we would be screwed. I'm the bread winner but I'm willing to make sure she and the kids are ok in the house. I'll rent out a room somewhere if I have to.

Anyone else going to this. I hope she doesn't find this post. She busted me on another forum before. It was pretty embarrassing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You need to decide who you are. You swore to God that you would love your wife till the day you died, and that you would care for, and provide for her. You can either break this vow, or keep it. Are you a man who keeps his word, or breaks it when it's convenient?

As far as your relationship is concerned, you seem to have succumbed to selfishness. It appears to me that you have quit trying to work in harmony, and are focused on criticizing, and demanding what you want.

Counseling isn't going to do your marriage any good unless you change your attitude. You both need to develop a kind, generous, and forgiving heart. You need to build up good will towards each other, and start putting the needs of the other person ahead of yourselves. You need to care for each other as you did when you were dating, and in the early years of your marriage.

If you can successfully change your outlook, then counseling would be very beneficial. Reading the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love & Respect" would also help you both out. But, once again, it all starts with you. You have to decide who you are, and what kind of person you're going to be.
*
ETA:* Upon reading your post again, it seems to me that the problems in your marriage may largely be on your side. Your post comes off as very selfish, with a "screw her" type of attitude. You said that she is a good wife, and good mother. Yet you want to betray her and your children because you "don't feel happy". You need to look at yourself, and who you've become. Then decide if that's the man you want to continue being.

She is right you know. Happiness is a choice.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

BioFury said:


> You need to decide who you are. You swore to God that you would love your wife till the day you died, and that you would care for, and provide for her. You can either break this vow, or keep it. Are you a man who keeps his word, or breaks it when it's convenient?
> 
> As far as your relationship is concerned, you seem to have succumbed to selfishness. It appears to me that you have quit trying to work in harmony, and are focused on criticizing, and demanding what you want.
> 
> ...


Well this isnt the first time i have been called selfish. 

What do you consider selfish?

About the vows: i never swore to God about my love. So not sure what you are talking about there. maybe something religious

Maybe a little history can clarify. 
We got married 5 months in to knowing eachother. We married for financial reasons, not love. Matter of fact, my mom didnt even know. Then, well, we ended up having a kid. 

So, it wasnt like we met, we dated and i fell madly in-love and decided to spend the rest of my like with her.

I never really had those feelings to begin with. Now, over time, have i grown to love her? yes. The same type of love a man has for a wife? No.

Can i change this? I dont think so..we been married 9 years and i still dont have those feelings. 

Happiness is a choice. true . But i hate the way people throw that phrase out there. 
Like it is the answer to everything. You say that to people who have no way out of a bad situation- like Nelson Mandela. Sure, being wrongly convicted and sent to prison- his only option is to be happy. if he had the option to leave prison, i bet he would have. or maybe someone would tell him "dont leave. look, happiness is a choice, bro" . 

For me, my wife ends up happy and i end up resentful.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It takes two to argue.

Describe your last arguement. What it was about, who said what, how it ended.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You can't blame her because you aren't happy. It sounds like you have given up so you aren't even try to work on your marriage anymore. Are your really going to be happier living in a room being broke and seeing your children on the weekends? No. Stay in the marriage at least until your children are grown. Meanwhile stop depending on your wife to make you happier. Take responsibility for your own life. Stop being selfish and only thinking of yourself. You made a family so you need to be there for them.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You can't blame her because you aren't happy. It sounds like you have given up so you aren't even try to work on your marriage anymore. Are your really going to be happier living in a room being broke and seeing your children on the weekends? No. Stay in the marriage at least until your children are grown. Meanwhile stop depending on your wife to make you happier. Take responsibility for your own life. Stop being selfish and only thinking of yourself. You made a family so you need to be there for them.




After 9 years of fighting and bickering, counseling etc., yes I have given up. The counseling hasn't changed anything.

We fight constantly in front of the kids. They see we are both unhappy. 

And yes, at times I feel we would all be more happy if divorced. 

I don't depend on her to make me happy. I understand your point. But doesn't she have anything to do with how I feel about her?are you saying she can communicate however she wants to me and I just need to deal with it?

And is it better for the kids to just stay in this toxic relationship? 

Am I crazy? Cause it seems like everyone here thinks I'm selfish for simple falling out of love. Honestly, I don't think I was ever in love. We got married after 3 months . It was all because of financial reasons. We did it as friends. Then we decided to to just stay married and I knew it was a mistake. But I stuck it out for the last nine years and now, I'm over it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marriage takes work. Checking out? Is this how you handle other situations that "are holding you down"?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I got fed up with my wife and the sexless marriage. Fights and yelling in front of kids (she swore/yelled in front of them). Was married 8 years.

I left her and haven't been this happy in my life. Separated for over 4 months now, should be divorced in a month or two.

Don't be one of these posters who was married for 30 years and just stayed in it until the kids left the house. Fawk that! I have two kids under 6yrs old and will be in their lives. Divorce definitely affects the kids. But them seeing your miserable marriage as an example is worst in my opinion. Do you want them to go down the same path as you? I sure don't!!

The hardest part was saying it's over and move out. Took me 3x times to get the balls to do it.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Marriage takes work. Checking out? Is this how you handle other situations that "are holding you down"?




No, can work thru most problems. 
I'm not perfect, so yes, I feel like checking out. I just don't have it in me to keep going.

It's been 9 years. How long should I try?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lofeshort said:


> No, can work thru most problems.
> I'm not perfect, so yes, I feel like checking out. I just don't have it in me to keep going.
> 
> It's been 9 years. How long should I try?


So you can work through problems? I assume that you consider your W a problem? Your kids a problem? You love them dearly? I do not buy that statement. 

Well, I sure hope you have it in the checkbook to keep it going after papers are served. Grass is not always greener. 

You sound like you are in a depression. Look, it ain't easy. I have been married 22 years. Worked 2 jobs to make ends meet for my W and two daughters. I felt like 'giving up'. But I kept on going building our world. As of today, after 22 years, I'm exceedingly glad I kept on getting up and going!


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> I got fed up with my wife and the sexless marriage. Fights and yelling in front of kids (she swore/yelled in front of them). Was married 8 years.
> 
> I left her and haven't been this happy in my life. Separated for over 4 months now, should be divorced in a month or two.
> 
> ...




So I guess me and you are both selfish according to all the post here. The verbiage they are saying is so cliche. 

I can't find an answer to how I feel and the hopelessness I have towards fixing this relationship. I was really happy when I accepted my decision. Then she talked me out of it saying we have to try harder. This has happened 3 or 4 times. 

I think if my wife was the bread winner we would have broke up a long time ago. Money has its involvement.

Even if I stay with her, I will feel resentment. That's why I ask these people on here "how long do you have to try?" 

10 or 20 years? Is there something deeply immoral with giving up? Just saying **** it!

I honor your stance man.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

it sucks to feel unhappy and trapped.

there are some things about your post that don't make sense though, so I am going to press you a bit.

1. If you actually don't care anymore, then how is it that your wife can lay a guilt trip on you?

2. Why are you "reluctantly" agreeing to do anything? What does that even mean? Did you agree to go to marriage counseling or not? If you don't want to do it, why are you doing it?

OK, you're unhappy in your marriage. That sucks for you and I'm sure you did not set out to have a crappy marriage.

But it is ENTIRELY on you as to what you do right now. Your wife can't make you do anything.

You are CHOOSING to stay married to her and CHOOSING to go to marriage counseling, but at the same time pretending like she is making you do these things. 

This is a total a cop out. This is like a person who takes a job and then whines and complains for being asked to do the job he volunteered to do. Nobody likes that guy. YOU don't like that guy.

The first step is to stop being that guy. Maybe that means you get divorced. Maybe that means you stay married. Either way, it's your decision, and you own it.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> So you can work through problems? I assume that you consider your W a problem? Your kids a problem? You love them dearly? I do not by that statement.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Seems like you don't understand my situation at all. It's all good. 

I do love my kids. What kind of crap was that? I'm not depressed. I have a good job and am a provider.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lofeshort said:


> Seems like you don't understand my situation at all. It's all good.
> 
> I do love my kids. What kind of crap was that? I'm not depressed. I have a good job and am a provider.


Your are right. I don't understand your situation. You have not really delved into why you want to divorce your W. If it is that miserable then I recommend you plan that course. I can say my BIL W was the absolute pits as a W and mom. He left and it was a great decision on his part. 

So what is the real status of how feel about your relationship with your W?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I really dislike the term nag, it's a crappy way to dismiss what's bothering the other person. 

To to avoid dealing with what's bothering your spouse, you just write them off as a nag and put no effort in. 

That is selfish. 

But I think you should just put your foot down and go. It's clear you don't even much like her, and in your eyes there's nothing you could do differently anyway, so it's all her fault. 

Free her up to find someone who wants her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Free her up to find someone who wants her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^^^I agree.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> it sucks to feel unhappy and trapped.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Whoa, although now that was actually helpful. I didn't like reading it-but helpful.

To answer your questions:
1. I don't care but she has a way with words to make me feel like I am a total failure of k follow thru. And the kids are going to suffer. So in the moment, I give in, and stay.

I think the first answer answers both. 

So you are right, I am choosing these things but not being true to myself. Why? Because I don't want to be perceived as a failure? Maybe I want to actually keep giving it a try before giving up. We have done this before. So although the I agreed to it, I should have said NO. But I felt like such an *******. 

The job analogy is pretty extreme. 
I'm more like the guy who took the job and didn't know what I was getting into. I hated the job but it paid the bills. Then after years of promotions and no other skills, I was stuck at the company. Until one day I decided to pick up new skills and pursue a passion that is meaningful to me.....


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I really dislike the term nag, it's a crappy way to dismiss what's bothering the other person.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I never said it was her only. I am not perfect.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Let's get down the basics.

Are you two having sex? How often? Is is it good? I see you had sex the other week.

In my case, we didn't have sex for the last 5 years of our 8 year marriage. Yeah, very bad. Embarrassing. We hated each other. We were only in it for the convenience. She told me multiple times she was going to leave me after the kids turned 18 (13 years later!) and she was only with me since she didn't have to work!

If you're wife can support herself with a decent job, it will make it much easier for you to break away. My STBX is a RN, so it was easy for her to make $60K+ a year. Definitely makes it less painful for me. She'll eventually get remarried and so will you. Shuttling the kids between the houses and co-parenting will be your issues. Definitely worth it if starting over with someone else makes you happy. You only get one life, don't waste it and have regret when you're old.

If you two are are able to get intimate and have sex, I say there is always a chance of turning things around. In my case, the thought of having sex with her made me want to vomit. Not just because she let herself go physically, but because of of all of the resentment I had towards her due to the way she treated me and my family. There was no hope for me to save my marriage.


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## Angie8 (Mar 25, 2016)

its interesting to read the comments: selfishness, checking out, it takes two to make a marriage work - yes it does take two to make a marriage work but we are only hearing one side of it. I find it difficult to believe the wife is completely happy if you/he is so unhappy, besides it is not healthy raising a child in a loveless household/unhappy marriage. Children grow up to believe the marriage their parents are in is the normal/typical marriage, if both parents are bickering all the time, children grow up to believe that is normal. Yes, marriage takes work but it doesn't always work out. Sometimes people change, sometimes they don't, sometimes one changes and the other doesn't. And sometimes separation ends up being better for everyone, I am not saying go get a divorce, but make sure you have thought about all the possibilities, have tried to give it your all, and in the end, you can say you tried, you gave it all you could then maybe divorce is the right option. Just because someone is a good parent, a nice person and a beautiful person doesn't mean you have a connection with them, and that you (or they) would be happy in a life long relationship together. To make a marriage last there has to be some connection between the people, they have to enjoy each other's company, have strong feelings for each other, want to make the other happy, etc... if that's not there than neither person will be happy (BTW just disregard the "god" reference, not all ceremonies are religious). If there's no connection, then you need to have a serious conversation with her and decide if you want to try to make it work or if you will both be better off separated. It sounds like you've made up your mind already and just need to move forward with your decision.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A lot of the same people who are giving you grief over wanting to walk away are the same people who would tell you you should have left before cheating; if it came to that. Take their judgements with a grain of salt. And really, if you're not happy then go. Dragging it out isn't helping anyone. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and not let yourself be bullied into staying when you want to go.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

First off, it would be ridiculous if you didn't feel guilty. You are a ****ing human being, this is your wife and kids. If you didn't feel guilty, then you should have your head checked. I am sure you don't want her to feel awful. She isn't trying to hurt you. Just the opposite. She is trying to dedicate her life to you. It's painful and you should feel guilty.

However, don't let that guilt stop you. Let it make you be a good person. You even said that you'd rent a room and let her live there with the kids. That's all well and good, though I hope a more amicable settlement would suffice. If you are this checked out, went to counseling and would feel happier not being with her, there is no question you should leave. The sooner, the better, for you, for her and even for the kids. She will hate you for a while, maybe forever, who knows. But if you try to make it easiest on her, she may see that you aren't the enemy, and what you are doing is really in the best interest of everyone.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Lofeshort said:


> Whoa, although now that was actually helpful. I didn't like reading it-but helpful.
> 
> To answer your questions:
> 1. I don't care but she has a way with words to make me feel like I am a total failure of k follow thru. And the kids are going to suffer. So in the moment, I give in, and stay.
> ...


hey man-- the point is that, as painful as it is, divorce is a real option. at any time.

as long as you choose to stay, you are choosing to perpetuate the situation. this is not just "happening." you are making it happen.

you don't want to be perceived as a failure. to who? your wife? yourself? your kids?

what would you say if one of your kids was in your situation? would you say, "avoid making any decisions." Isn't that what you're telling yourself right now?

the thing is you really CAN'T avoid making any decisions. you are always making a decision, even when you hide from that.

right now, you are making a decision to perpetuate a terrible marriage. you won't pull the trigger on divorce, but you have a [email protected] commitment to working things out.

I'm sure your wife leaves something to be desired. But do you really expect her to step up and resolve things when you won't?

Actually, it even seems like she is trying to resolve things in her way. She started marriage counseling, which you "reluctantly" agreed to.

I'm sure she isn't 100% in on reconciliation, but neither are you dude! And yet, she is still trying to do marriage counseling with you.

What are you doing other than trying to avoid making a decision?


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> hey man-- the point is that, as painful as it is, divorce is a real option. at any time.
> 
> as long as you choose to stay, you are choosing to perpetuate the situation. this is not just "happening." you are making it happen.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with you, I am being a total wimp and have NO balls.

If my kids were in this situation and asked my advice I would tell them to just leave! be happy! Easier said then done...i get that.

I NEED to make a genuine decision from my heart though. Thats why i am here. talkign to people. Taking in all that people have to say even though i might not agree with it all.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Herschel said:


> First off, it would be ridiculous if you didn't feel guilty. You are a ****ing human being, this is your wife and kids. If you didn't feel guilty, then you should have your head checked. I am sure you don't want her to feel awful. She isn't trying to hurt you. Just the opposite. She is trying to dedicate her life to you. It's painful and you should feel guilty.
> 
> However, don't let that guilt stop you. Let it make you be a good person. You even said that you'd rent a room and let her live there with the kids. That's all well and good, though I hope a more amicable settlement would suffice. If you are this checked out, went to counseling and would feel happier not being with her, there is no question you should leave. The sooner, the better, for you, for her and even for the kids. She will hate you for a while, maybe forever, who knows. But if you try to make it easiest on her, she may see that you aren't the enemy, and what you are doing is really in the best interest of everyone.


I have alreay told her that i would pay for the house so they can stay in a home. I would never abondon them like that. My dad left my mom on her own and it is something i can never do.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> A lot of the same people who are giving you grief over wanting to walk away are the same people who would tell you you should have left before cheating; if it came to that. Take their judgements with a grain of salt. And really, if you're not happy then go. Dragging it out isn't helping anyone. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and not let yourself be bullied into staying when you want to go.


I have actually got to the point of fantasizing about cheating becuase i dont have the balls to leave.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Let's get down the basics.
> 
> Are you two having sex? How often? Is is it good? I see you had sex the other week.
> 
> ...



crazy thing is, we never had a sex issue. She was always down to have sex...more than me actaully haha. And the sex is great.
I am the one who acts like a "girl" and doesnt want to be touched by her when i feel disrespected. Its really hard for me to just ignore the way she communicates with me and then "make love" . My mind always had to be in it. So instead i will masterbate or something. Or give in and just have sex but we consistently always fell back in to fighting and arguring and being miserable. 

Rollercoaster. Sex, fight, ignore eachother for a week, sex fight, ignore eachother for a week...

One thing i will miss would be the sex....but damn its just not worth it for me...hard to explain....


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Lofeshort said:


> I have to agree with you, I am being a total wimp and have NO balls.
> 
> If my kids were in this situation and asked my advice I would tell them to just leave! be happy! Easier said then done...i get that.
> 
> I NEED to make a genuine decision from my heart though. Thats why i am here. talkign to people. Taking in all that people have to say even though i might not agree with it all.


I am sure your situation sucks.

Just think about this. Each day when you wake up and have decided not to file for divorce, you've chosen to be in the marriage that day.

So, tomorrow, when you wake up and decide not to divorce, why not decide to be actually IN the marriage that day too. Not just avoiding stuff.

See how that goes. Be the good guy that day. Let it go when your wife is acting sh-tty. It's just one day. You can always wake up the next day and divorce her.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Divorce is a big decision. Try a real separation. This is a good "trial" to see if divorce is really what you want. You don't need to make a decision to divorce right now. 
Whatever you do, just be honest with your wife.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

What are you always fighting about? Why is she always mad at you?


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> I am sure your situation sucks.
> 
> Just think about this. Each day when you wake up and have decided not to file for divorce, you've chosen to be in the marriage that day.
> 
> ...


good points.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Divorce is a big decision. Try a real separation. This is a good "trial" to see if divorce is really what you want. You don't need to make a decision to divorce right now.
> Whatever you do, just be honest with your wife.


I told her i wanted a separation first. She said "whats the point?"

She later talked me in to staying and doing marriage counseling.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Why are you letting her control you life? You are responsible for your own decisions


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Why are you letting her control you life? You are responsible for your own decisions




I have no answer for that.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You have let her drag this on for years then you talk about her like she's the problem. Make a decision. Be 100% in or 100% out. If you don't know, then separate until you get enough info that you can make a solid decision. You can't stay in limbo your entire life. Well... You can but you will never be happy


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lofeshort said:


> Well this isnt the first time i have been called selfish.
> 
> What do you consider selfish?
> 
> ...



Selfishness is the state of being self-centered in thought and action.

Wedding vows are typically exchanged when a couple is wed. Are you saying you never exchanged vows?

Why did you marry for financial reasons?


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Selfishness is the state of being self-centered in thought and action.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We never exchanged vows.

We married so she can have her daughter and herself on my insurance. Her daughter is now MY daughter and I love her. 

But our wedding was a joke from the beginning. We kinda just started dating and we moved together quickly after the fake marriage. But that was a mistake I admit that. We were dumb


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

What kind of wedding did you have then? To what do you refer when you say "fake marriage"?


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

BioFury said:


> What kind of wedding did you have then? To what do you refer when you say "fake marriage"?




We went to the courthouse and signed a marriage certificate. That was our wedding. Nobody in our family new. It was just to help her with insurance for her kid and my job paid me more money each month. 

At first, that was the only reason why we did it. Then, we were friends with benefits. A lot of benefits.

We moved together and she got pregnant like 6 months later. 

The entire process I was wrong and should have stopped the relationship. I always had doubts or regretted moving in together. When we had our baby it just happened so fast. Basically we just agreed to have a child together. Not even married a full year. Not even a real marriage in our hearts. We just made some terrible decisions. Our marriage has no strong foundation at all.

It's not like I got on my knee and begged for her hand in marriage. I didn't come in to this with unconditional love and hopes to stay together for the rest of our lives. 

Things happened that made us stay together so long. And I went with it. Shouldn't have. So here I am today trying to make the decision I should have made 9 years ago.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you want out then end it. Period. Living this way is not fair to either one of you. I know that I for one would not want someone to not love me and stay in my life out of a sense of obligation, what kind of life is that? The only way I would refer to you as selfish would be if you really want out so that you can hook up with someone else you have in mind. People need to back off, not loving someone doesn't mean you are selfish.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

3xnocharm said:


> if you want out then end it. Period. Living this way is not fair to either one of you. I know that i for one would not want someone to not love me and stay in my life out of a sense of obligation, what kind of life is that? The only way i would refer to you as selfish would be if you really want out so that you can hook up with someone else you have in mind. People need to back off, not loving someone doesn't mean you are selfish.


this!


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> If you want out then end it. Period. Living this way is not fair to either one of you. I know that I for one would not want someone to not love me and stay in my life out of a sense of obligation, what kind of life is that? The only way I would refer to you as selfish would be if you really want out so that you can hook up with someone else you have in mind. People need to back off, *not loving someone doesn't mean you are selfish*.


I have no advice and nothing to add to this thread.....

BUT...Thank you! I needed to hear this....


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## Michael Hale (May 11, 2016)

In this situation, a marriage counselor might be a good option. But to be completely honest, in my opinon, for there to be love in your relationship, you both have to be fully committed to making it work. I read this ebook a while back and I personally found it had some useful information for situations like this so maybe try giving it a read. I'll find it then link it at the bottom of this reply. But yeah, if you want it to work, it will take a joint effort from the both of you. It is still very possible for your marriage to turn around and for you to both be happy  Best of luck!

https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Rebuilding-Connection-Communication-Counselling-ebook/dp/B01EEUN4AE


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Like you said this wasn't a real marriage from the get go. Obviously it was a huge mistake that you made but it's one that you have to live with. It's obvious that there is something about your wife allows her to heavily influence you because a) she somehow convinced you to marry her in order for her child to get on your insurance and b) she keeps guilt tripping you into not getting divorced. I think you should first figure out why she has this kind of power over you. There must be something special about her because I'm assuming other people don't have this kind of sway over you. As for you, if you're wife never nagged and never argued with you in front of the kids would you still want to leave? If not then the issue isn't about love, it's about the issues in your marriage. Have you sat her down and told her that in order for this to continue the fighting must stop? She seems to want this more than you do so maybe she will listen. If you leave then you will definitely be trading one set of problems for another. You will have to deal with sever financial strain, the utter devastation of your children, potential perpetual nastiness from your wife, and no guarantee that you will find someone better. At your age anybody you find will probably already have kids so you will also have to figure out a way to blend two families which will be difficult to say the least. This is a tough one but love and marriage are two different things. You may not love your wife but after 9 years she is your life partner and you share children together. You are bonded to her for life and there is nothing you can do about it. If I were you I would change my mindset or just leave and deal with what comes. Your Mandela reference is not quite accurate because their is a big difference between rotting in a jail cell versus living with a spouse that you don't want to be married to. It might not seem like it but if you are honest with yourself you have to admit that it's true.


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## SoulDaisy (May 14, 2016)

I hate to break it to you, but every relationship eventually becomes old news. If you are always looking for something new and exciting, you will never make it in a long term relationship. Unfortunately, long term relationships are real, bills to pay, kids to raise, people get older. If there is nothing wrong with your wife specifically, maybe it's you. If you want more excitement, put more effort into the relationship, you are only going to get out of it what you put into it. You can't expect her to do all the work, it takes two. The grass may be greener on the other side, at least short term, but eventually, you will run into the same problems with someone new. Everything gets old if you don't try.


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