# Newly married and sadly unhappy...



## ireallydontgethim (Sep 4, 2012)

I've been married for 10 months and I would have to say there have been many more bad times than good ones. I love my husband, that is why I married him. He is a faithful man, with similar religious views, and a pretty good upbringing. Problem is, he is extremely immature and at times very selfish. He was a bit spoiled as a child/teenager, so his work ethic is very different from mine. We both work, although he misses a lot (similar to a grade school child), "he's siiiick!" Uggh! I understand he workable in the heat and TX can be pretty hot, but I work, cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, organize, even take care of our banking plus my mother and I own a business. I'm tired too sometimes and would rather call in, but I don't! I go to work and tough it out. I always feel better once I get here anyway. He's such a baby and I have to beg him for weeks to take out the trash, mow the grass, put things together (99% of the time I end up doing it myself)! Most of our arguments are either right before we leave to go somewhere like our families house or on the way there... Then he acts completely fine and I have to pretend I haven't been crying or pissy. I'm far from being a victim of any situation, but its almost like he tries to make me one. He may act hatefulness toward me all day, but when it comes time for bed, he flips like a light switch to get something He wants. It makes me feel trashy and used. 

He is a few years younger than I am, but he is the one who wanted to go ahead and get married now, I actually wanted him to go to college and experience life for a while before getting married. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy at times that I married him.... But here lately, I have thought maybe I made the wrong decision. 

I was with a guy for a few years who we never actually dated, but he was my best friend and we were intimate at times... He and I never fought and were so compatible, but he was kind of a ladies man. He confessed his love for me before we were married, but I felt like he was a want and my husband was more of a necessity. Now I wonder if I made the right decision. I'm not happy and it makes me so sad. I am a naturally happy person who can get along with anyone. There have been many people who have tried to come between us throughout the years and I somtimes wonder if that was a sign or maybe I was being stubborn and tying to prove a point. :scratchhead:

My mind is racing in 10 different directions.I need some advise please. I don't want a divorce necessarily, but I also don't want to start having children with someone who seems to only be the nicest to me when he's getting some.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

ireallydontgethim said:


> I've been married for 10 months and I would have to say there have been many more bad times than good ones. I love my husband, that is why I married him. He is a faithful man, with similar religious views, and a pretty good upbringing. Problem is, he is extremely immature and at times very selfish. He was a bit spoiled as a child/teenager, so his work ethic is very different from mine. We both work, although he misses a lot (similar to a grade school child), "he's siiiick!" Uggh! I understand he workable in the heat and TX can be pretty hot, but I work, cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, organize, even take care of our banking plus my mother and I own a business. I'm tired too sometimes and would rather call in, but I don't! I go to work and tough it out. I always feel better once I get here anyway. He's such a baby and I have to beg him for weeks to take out the trash, mow the grass, put things together (99% of the time I end up doing it myself)! Most of our arguments are either right before we leave to go somewhere like our families house or on the way there... Then he acts completely fine and I have to pretend I haven't been crying or pissy. I'm far from being a victim of any situation, but its almost like he tries to make me one. He may act hatefulness toward me all day, but when it comes time for bed, he flips like a light switch to get something He wants. It makes me feel trashy and used.
> 
> He is a few years younger than I am, but he is the one who wanted to go ahead and get married now, I actually wanted him to go to college and experience life for a while before getting married. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy at times that I married him.... But here lately, I have thought maybe I made the wrong decision.
> 
> ...


Sounds quite similar to my STBX. She constantly complained about work (she was a 4th grade school teacher), complained about the few things she WAS expected to do around the house, complained about all the things I did around the house and felt like I could never make her happy.

Our divorce will be finalized (hopefully) in November. While I don't advocate cutting the cord in your case yet, I think you should sit down and discuss the issues with him and indicate that you want MC in order to address the problems.


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## KellyK (Sep 4, 2012)

ireallydontgethim said:


> I've been married for 10 months and I would have to say there have been many more bad times than good ones. I love my husband, that is why I married him. He is a faithful man, with similar religious views, and a pretty good upbringing. Problem is, he is extremely immature and at times very selfish. He was a bit spoiled as a child/teenager, so his work ethic is very different from mine. We both work, although he misses a lot (similar to a grade school child), "he's siiiick!" Uggh! I understand he workable in the heat and TX can be pretty hot, but I work, cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, organize, even take care of our banking plus my mother and I own a business. I'm tired too sometimes and would rather call in, but I don't! I go to work and tough it out. I always feel better once I get here anyway. He's such a baby and I have to beg him for weeks to take out the trash, mow the grass, put things together (99% of the time I end up doing it myself)! Most of our arguments are either right before we leave to go somewhere like our families house or on the way there... Then he acts completely fine and I have to pretend I haven't been crying or pissy. I'm far from being a victim of any situation, but its almost like he tries to make me one. He may act hatefulness toward me all day, but when it comes time for bed, he flips like a light switch to get something He wants. It makes me feel trashy and used.
> 
> He is a few years younger than I am, but he is the one who wanted to go ahead and get married now, I actually wanted him to go to college and experience life for a while before getting married. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy at times that I married him.... But here lately, I have thought maybe I made the wrong decision.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KellyK (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi Really,

May I ask how old you both are, and how long you were together before you got married?

Did he every enjoy taking care of househould duties like the lawn and trash, or is this behavior of his something recent?

I'm sorry you're dealing with his frustrating behavior. It must feel like he doesn't care.

I think you would be very wise not to bring children into the relationship so soon, especially when simple things to keep household running are a falling on your shoulders and it's just the two of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ireallydontgethim (Sep 4, 2012)

He is 21, I will be 27 next month. We dated for 2 years before we got married but have know each other for 5 or so. Obviously we didn't date when we met, he was too young at that point. When we started living together he did mow, take the trash out without so much hassle, and tried to fix everything for me. It has been slowly decreasing the amount he actually does. When I ask I usually get a "i will later" or "idont feel like it"... I can't stand that bc later is 2-3 weeks if not longer. By that point, I just do it myself. 

We had a talk earlier, which didn't start off very well, he started to get mad and was turning everything around to make it me being emotional. He said something pretty hurtful and I did what I say nobody should do, I left. He caught up with me and I went to the only place I felt he qouldnt yell and that was my dads house. I don't believe in dragging family members into anything but my dad really likes my husband and is more of a realist/mediator instead of a side picker. I was able to say everything I needed to say, without any interuptions. I'm not sure how much he actually heard and how much he ignored, but I felt a little better speaking my peace. I told him if he wants to be in this marriage as much as I do then he needs to show me, not tell me... he seems to be trying to show me a lot of attention right now, but it will take a lot more than that to fix things. 

I will continue to do everything I do and I will not say anything and see gow much he shows me he wants this to work. He says he really does and he loves me more than ill ever know... Now its time for him to prove it. 

I'm sorry you're going through a divorce but I do realize it is the best for some situations. I pray we don't have to ever take it that far, but I won't be unhappy for the rest if my life. Thank you both for responding.


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## annonme68 (Sep 5, 2012)

Hi Newly Married,

I had similar problems with my husband when we first married -- he would offer, but then not actually do housework, would not shower before he came to bed (this was a big issue for me and very off-putting sexually)... and so on. The more I nagged, the more recalcitrant and resistant he became until hell would freeze over before that shower (or whatever) happenned. We went to couples counseling and I did allot of clarifying about what was reasonable to nag about, what wasn't, and how I was setting him up for failure by expecting him to do/think as I would. Which is of course, an impossible task for anyone. On his side, the therapist called him on being well we'll say responsibility avoidant at home. The therapist (a guy) eventually said something like "If you don't want to live with your mother and you don't want her mothering you. then take care of things like you did before you met. Like an adult." I highly recommend the couples counseling -- it brings a new voice to the process which really helps when you are both stuck in this cycle of having the same exact fight again and again. 

May you be blessed.


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