# How did you deal with the lost of both of your parents ? Did you feel alone and abandoned ?



## vintagetriplex

I’ve always believed in my parents love and gods love more then love in marriage. 

believe that my parents love were more real and love in marriage was shallow. I always think that your spouse will love you as long as you have the perfect body and you maintain a good appearance. One of the reasons why people have affairs is because their spouse is not as physically attractive as they use to be when they just got married so they look for someone else who look better and they fall in love with the person and do god knows what behind their spouses back. I believe that the only reason why my wife loves me dearly now is because I’m in perfect physical shape and her love is not real. And since my parents are both gone now, I feel alone and I don’t trust my spouse so I’m independent as possible and I try not to be too comfortable with my spouse. And I keep contact with friends and go out frequently with them so I’m not completely alone. And I attend church alone frequently. That’s one of the things I do during my alone times. Since my parents are gone now, even tho I’m married, it’s up to me to look after my self and I should be self reliant and I don’t think my spouse will have my back and if I get sick or become handicapped or something, I like to assume that my spouse will leave me in the ditch. 

Would you agree that your parents love is more real ?


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## .339971

vintagetriplex said:


> I believe that the only reason why my wife loves me dearly now is because I’m in perfect physical shape and her love is not real.


Before I answer your question, may I ask why you feel this way?


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## vintagetriplex

Because I trusted my parents more and love from parents is unconditional. 


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## SpinyNorman

So were your parents married? If so, was their love for each other shallow? If not, that should show you it doesn't need to be. If so, there are plenty of examples of marriages where the love isn't shallow or fickle.

Parents are people, spouses are people. Some of each are good, some of each are evil. So no, I don't think you can generalize about which gives real love.

You seem to have friends, and a wife who loves you dearly(according to you) but you feel alone. That sounds like something is wrong, maybe you can't get over the grief? In any case, consider counselling. There is no shame in that, consider it a favor to those who love you.


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## Jung_admirer

A parent's love for a child is unconditional (at least until that child is an adult). The love of one's partner is always conditional based upon agreed boundaries. We choose to love our partner's, and we can make the choice to withhold love. You withhold more of yourself because you feel unsafe with your partner. And therein is the first question: Why do you feel unsafe? Kindest Regards-


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## vintagetriplex

Jung_admirer said:


> A parent's love for a child is unconditional (at least until that child is an adult). The love of one's partner is always conditional based upon agreed boundaries. We choose to love our partner's, and we can make the choice to withhold love. You withhold more of yourself because you feel unsafe with your partner. And therein is the first question: Why do you feel unsafe? Kindest Regards-


There is no particular reasons why I feel unsafe. It’s just that I’m so used to the fact that my parents were the only one I really confided in and now that they are gone. I feel alone. 


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## Diana7

vintagetriplex said:


> I’ve always believed in my parents love and gods love more then love in marriage.
> 
> believe that my parents love were more real and love in marriage was shallow. I always think that your spouse will love you as long as you have the perfect body and you maintain a good appearance. One of the reasons why people have affairs is because their spouse is not as physically attractive as they use to be when they just got married so they look for someone else who look better and they fall in love with the person and do god knows what behind their spouses back. I believe that the only reason why my wife loves me dearly now is because I’m in perfect physical shape and her love is not real. And since my parents are both gone now, I feel alone and I don’t trust my spouse so I’m independent as possible and I try not to be too comfortable with my spouse. And I keep contact with friends and go out frequently with them so I’m not completely alone. And I attend church alone frequently. That’s one of the things I do during my alone times. Since my parents are gone now, even tho I’m married, it’s up to me to look after my self and I should be self reliant and I don’t think my spouse will have my back and if I get sick or become handicapped or something, I like to assume that my spouse will leave me in the ditch.
> 
> Would you agree that your parents love is more real ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


It depends, some parents are awful, some are great. Some spouses are awful, some are great. There are many different types of love, one isn't always better or stronger than the other, apart from Gods love which is all powerful and ever lasting. 
It sounds to me as if your marriage isnt very happy, and that is a seperate issue. 
You are more or less saying that your wifes love is shallow and temporary, what makes you think that?


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## Diana7

vintagetriplex said:


> There is no particular reasons why I feel unsafe. It’s just that I’m so used to the fact that my parents were the only one I really confided in and now that they are gone. I feel alone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


In that case you didnt cut the emotional ties from your parents and join to your wife as you should have done.


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## Diana7

vintagetriplex said:


> Because I trusted my parents more and love from parents is unconditional.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Why dont you trust your wife? Has she given you reason not to trust her? '


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## vintagetriplex

Diana7 said:


> In that case you didnt cut the emotional ties from your parents and join to your wife as you should have done.


So you say that it was wrong for me to go to my parents for love and comfort because I’m an adult and married ? Are you saying I’m weak ? 


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## vintagetriplex

Diana7 said:


> Why dont you trust your wife? Has she given you reason not to trust her? '


She never gave me any reasons. I just don’t feel that comfortable with her. I felt more comfy with my parents. 


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## SpinyNorman

vintagetriplex said:


> So you say that it was wrong for me to go to my parents for love and comfort because I’m an adult and married ? Are you saying I’m weak ?


This is unnecessarily harsh, of course married adults can enjoy a good parental relationship, and that isn't weak.

But some people put all of their eggs in one basket, a basket that dies on average a generation before them, and that is unwise. But even if this is you, there's still time to readjust and focus on the people who are there for you.


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## StarFires

It's the most perplexing thing to me that there are people who say they are religious but know so little about God and the Bible. Ask your pastor/priest to help you understand how God feels about husbands and wives and marital relationships.

One thing to note is that a parent's love is not only unconditional, it is also automatic. If you spent as much time cultivating a close and loving relationship with your wife as you spend making sure it is as emotionally disconnected as you can possibly make it, you just might learn how fulfilling, securing, and trusting it can be.

You permit yourself the love of God, your parents, and your friends to validate you, but you don't allow yourself to believe your wife can provide security like all the others can. It's not that your wife doesn't love you. You have convinced yourself it isn't possible that she loves you or that she can. So, it's you not accepting her love, which means you trust more in the love and care of others than your wife. This is a decision you made and not anything you learned from experience, so it's a decision you made purely out of assumption.

That makes me wonder why are you married then? It's like you don't feel worthy of your wife's love, so why are you married to her?


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## SpinyNorman

A lot is being said about parents' love, of course there is the ideal which isn't guaranteed.


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## vintagetriplex

The Outlaw said:


> Before I answer your question, may I ask why you feel this way?


There is no particular reasons. I just don’t feel that comfy with her. 


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## SpinyNorman

In response to the thread title, no, I didn't feel alone or abandoned. I didn't feel alone as I had cultivated other relationships and anticipated I would outlive them. I didn't feel abandoned as their dying was in no way a choice to avoid me.


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## Blondilocks

How old are you? Do you have children? 

Why did you marry? How long have you been married?


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## StarFires

vintagetriplex said:


> believe that my parents love were more real and love in marriage was shallow. I always think that your spouse will love you as long as you have the perfect body and you maintain a good appearance. One of the reasons why people have affairs is because their spouse is not as physically attractive as they use to be when they just got married so they look for someone else who look better and they fall in love with the person and do god knows what behind their spouses back. I believe that the only reason why my wife loves me dearly now is because I’m in perfect physical shape and her love is not real. *And since my parents are both gone now, I feel alone and I don’t trust my spouse so I’m independent as possible and I try not to be too comfortable with my spouse. And I keep contact with friends and go out frequently with them so I’m not completely alone. And I attend church alone frequently. That’s one of the things I do during my alone times*. Since my parents are gone now, even tho I’m married, it’s up to me to look after my self and I should be self reliant and I don’t think my spouse will have my back and if I get sick or become handicapped or something, I like to assume that my spouse will leave me in the ditch.


Sir, I find this very disturbing because you are so profoundly off base in your way of thinking. If you think you feel alone with a wife at home, I should inform you that you are making her feel alone by your emotional abandonment. A person's physical appearance is hardly the only reason people cheat and leave their spouse (and that's not true very often anyway), but feeling neglected and emotionally disconnected from their spouse is a primary cause for divorce.

All you are accomplishing is keeping your wife at arm's length so that when she cheats and leaves you out of her own loneliness that you created, you can claim it was the foregone conclusion that you predicted.


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## StarFires

SpinyNorman said:


> I didn't feel abandoned as their dying was in no way a choice to avoid me.


That deserved repeating.


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## DownByTheRiver

Parents can be just as shallow as other people. Of course, the parent attachment to their children will usually be the strongest one they are capable of, but there are those, as I'm sure you see on the news often enough, who place other things above their children. So parents aren't any more perfect than husbands or wives or anyone else. But if they're decent people, they will be who loves you more than anyone. Sounds like yours were decent loving people capable of great love. 

You're right that a lot of people simply will never put anyone above their own needs. I think everyone should be as independent as possible at some point in their early life so that they go into a relationship knowing they don't have to stay if it's not right. 

I've honestly never known a woman who would leave a man if he didn't stay perfectly fit, though I've certainly heard of enough men who are like that and trade their 40 year old wives off like she was a set of tires. But I don't feel women's priorities are generally as tied up in sex, so I don't think it's that common for women, though they do have other common reasons they'll leave, like if the man can't at least carry his own weight financially or help with the housework or children. Those are the most common reasons in my 67 years I've seen women leave men -- and only after giving them every chance.

You know, there is this thing where sometimes we assume the other person thinks like we do. For example, my dad was always suspicious my mother cheated (my mother had no interest in cheating nor any time for it), and he was like that because she had plenty of time when he wasn't around while he was at work and because HE would have cheated if he had that much time to do it without getting caught, he assumed women would too. Now not saying women don't cheat, but in this case, he was totally projecting. 

I hope you're not projecting with your fear about your wife leaving you if you're not perfect because that's how you are. 

Realistically, she probably does love the kids more than you. And your mom probably loved you more than her husband. But we're most of us blessed to have enough love to go around.


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## Diana7

vintagetriplex said:


> So you say that it was wrong for me to go to my parents for love and comfort because I’m an adult and married ? Are you saying I’m weak ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


I think that you havent ever cut those ties, and joined emotionally with your wife. She should be your confidant. If you had spent as much time talking to your wife and connecting with her as you did your parents, things may be different now.


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## Imagirl

How long have your parents been gone?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Funny how you mention the feeling of loss and abandonment. I lost my mom three years ago, and my father a year ago. I still get the urge to call them. My dad and I owned race horses together and he was very good at picking them out when we went to the Keeneland sales. I told my wife after I had a winner last week, hey I need to call my dad.....and then I caught myself.

when I found out I was going to be a grandad, my first thought was to call my mom.

i think about them daily. i know they are looking down watching over their family.


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## lifeistooshort

I understand the loss of parents. I lost my father in 2012 and we were extremely close....we talked all the time. His loss was terrible for me and I still think about him every day.

My mom just died a few months ago. We weren't as close but I still feel her loss.

So the loss of the unconditional love you get from parents is something I understand.

Having said that....your failure to bond with your wife isn't normal. You should've transferred a good chunk of your emotional involvement to her. I highly recommend you seek out counseling for this because your wife has to be extremely lonely living like this. She's going to be vulnerable to someone who connects with her emotionally.


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## Diana7

I too understand the loss of a parent. Mine sadly died quite young, mum in her 50's very suddenly, and dad in his 60's. I still miss mum 40 years later, and am sad she never got to see her grandchildren grow up, but its still our spouse who we should connect with emotionally far more once we marry and I dont think you ever transferred that. Now is a good time to work on that with your wife.


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## frusdil

In very general terms, there are many different types of love - spouse/spouse; parent/child; sibling, friends, pets etc. They are all real, but very different. Parent/child and our beloved dogs are the only ones who love us unconditionally - you may scoff that I say dogs too, but it's true lol.


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## Diana7

frusdil said:


> In very general terms, there are many different types of love - spouse/spouse; parent/child; sibling, friends, pets etc. They are all real, but very different. Parent/child and our beloved dogs are the only ones who love us unconditionally - you may scoff that I say dogs too, but it's true lol.


Its completely true, I love dogs.


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