# New to anything like this



## TryingToHoldon77

Hello everyone. My name is Matt. 44 yo male. 2 boys (12 & 4). New to reaching out for help and advice. Trying to make sense of a world that does not make sense right now. Like most men, I have no one nearby to talk to. My wife of 12 yrs. informed me last week that she is no longer in love with me and wants a divorce. She has since retracted and is looking to just separate. She is actively searching for an apartment to move to. I am in a place I have never been emotionally and could use an open ear and advice. Apologies ahead of time if you reach out and my response is not right away - trying to not overuse technology at the moment. Thanks guys.
-Matt


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## Lostinthought61

Sorry you find yourself here...okay couple questions..

1. Where would the kids go if she leaves
2. What is the bases for her wanting to separate?
3. Is she cheating....now before you jump to no...have you really checked everything?
4, why did she change her mind...and btw I would tell her you leave I will file for divorce there is no middle ground?


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## jlg07

If this hit you out of the blue, the chances are VERY good that she is either cheating or wants to try on someone new without you being around. Can you check her phone? Bank/ Credit card(any unusual withdrawls/payments?)
If she wants to separate, get a separation agreement (lawyer!) -- this will spell out custody, etc. and any debt that SHE incurs after the separation date is hers ONLY. You will want this if (when?) you divorce.

If she has started saying things that you KNOW she is re-writing your marital history, that is a classic from the cheaters handbook.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## DudeInProgress

Do NOT allow any separation. Period.

Your wife is telling you very clearly that she does not want you anymore, does not respect you, is not in love with you, and wants to explore/ease into a life without you. She is looking to replace you but wants to keep you as her back up plan. Her actions and stated intent make this crystal clear. Everything else she may be telling you is ********.

You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow a separation. 
A separation is only a way to 

ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or 
try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation. 

She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between. 
If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience. 
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly. 
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.


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## TryingToHoldon77

Thank you for reaching out. 

1. The boys stay with me. She is looking at a studio apt. nearby.
2. This is 100% (or at least pretty close to) my fault. Will explain below.
3. I don't believe so. She would have very little opportunity but that has definitely crossed my mind when she mentioned getting her own place.
4. She believes she needs to separate from me and the kids because I have essentially neglected her (my terminology, not hers). She is correct! I have spent all of my time trying to be a good father/provider/sharing in domestic chores, etc. Because I crush all of those things, Ion her phone and me thinking everything was fine. Meanwhile she was always felt entitled to use my extra time on me. I very rarely put effort into being a good husband. After the initial anger and hurt, I have done nothing but think of all the times my wife was sitting in bed playing on her phone and me thinking everything was fine. Video games and drinking, golf, etc. She wants time away from the kids because I always put that responsibility on her and she "wishes she never had the 4 yr old - said this crying and prefaced it with acknowledgement that it was an awful thought hut how she felt.

A lot to spill there. Thank you!


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## TryingToHoldon77

Sorry for previous jarbled msg.........typing on phone and the cursor jumped without me noticing. I speak better English than that!


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## Luckylucky

That’s pretty brave to admit, it sounds like she wanted you all along, and did express her needs. I disagree with the male posters she was cheating, it does sound like she was giving her all to the kids.

helping with Housework is one thing, but we want to be seen, heard, and loved and adored. That can fill a woman with enough strength to run a house, have a job and look after kids, knowing there’ll be a shoulder to cry on sometimes, a loving flirty smile, and an understanding husband. We truly don’t need a lot, but when we’re done, we’re usually done. I’m sorry to hear it’s come to this.


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## EveningThoughts

........


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## frenchpaddy

TryingToHoldon77 said:


> Thank you for reaching out.
> 
> 1. The boys stay with me. She is looking at a studio apt. nearby.
> 2. This is 100% (or at least pretty close to) my fault. Will explain below.
> 3. I don't believe so. She would have very little opportunity but that has definitely crossed my mind when she mentioned getting her own place.
> 4. She believes she needs to separate from me and the kids because I have essentially neglected her (my terminology, not hers). She is correct! I have spent all of my time trying to be a good father/provider/sharing in domestic chores, etc. Because I crush all of those things, Ion her phone and me thinking everything was fine. Meanwhile she was always felt entitled to use my extra time on me. I very rarely put effort into being a good husband. After the initial anger and hurt, I have done nothing but think of all the times my wife was sitting in bed playing on her phone and me thinking everything was fine. Video games and drinking, golf, etc. She wants time away from the kids because I always put that responsibility on her and she "wishes she never had the 4 yr old - said this crying and prefaced it with acknowledgement that it was an awful thought hut how she felt.
> 
> A lot to spill there. Thank you!


 I will say you need to work on finding out what it is she sees as the problem 
one one ever wines in divorce , it is expensive and can keep costing you money for years 
plus it can have a big impact on your kids 
be open to get any help from pro 
don't take the first pro person you find in the golden pages , 
be open to change ,

why a woman would even be happy to leave her kids 
sounds to me she is depressed but that is where the right pro can help and not you or she will think your trying to tell her she is mad 
you need to learn to talk to her and a big part of talking is you have 2 ears so you need to use them twice as much as you are 
it seems to me you are not not doing this and even here you have put her thoughts into your words 

I would fight hard to keep your marriage together


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## Married but Happy

Forget separation. Most likely she has a lover already and just wants the freedom to pursue that. If it doesn't work, she'll lie about it and come home. File for divorce and make her choose you or nothing.


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## Blondilocks

TryingToHoldon77 said:


> *I have spent all of my time trying to be a good father*/provider/sharing in domestic chores, etc. Because I crush all of those things,





TryingToHoldon77 said:


> She wants time away from the kids because* I always put that responsibility on her*


These two statements seem to contradict.


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## Diana7

I can never understand how anyone can walk out on her children, that is just awful. 
Doesn't she realise the damage she will do?


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## TryingToHoldon77

jlg07 said:


> If this hit you out of the blue, the chances are VERY good that she is either cheating or wants to try on someone new without you being around. Can you check her phone? Bank/ Credit card(any unusual withdrawls/payments?)
> If she wants to separate, get a separation agreement (lawyer!) -- this will spell out custody, etc. and any debt that SHE incurs after the separation date is hers ONLY. You will want this if (when?) you divorce.
> 
> If she has started saying things that you KNOW she is re-writing your marital history, that is a classic from the cheaters handbook.
> 
> VERY sorry you are going through this.


Update:
She has had an online relationship with a man from another country for well over a month. Never met in person but the fact that she "developed a crush" on another man makes her feel like she needs space and may need to divorce and explore other options.


EveningThoughts said:


> If your wife is always on her phone, she could have met someone on there.
> 
> But it does sound like your wife has not been happy, and having another young child means many more years for her of doing all the child care if she stays with you.
> If she leaves you she gets the much needed break.
> Had you got bored of your wife?
> 
> Did your wife try telling you how she felt in the past?
> Sometimes a wife stops trying to get your attention/nagging, and then gives up on the relationship, disengages and eventually walks away (walk away wife syndrome).
> 
> You don't say how old your wife is, but could she have entered perimenopause stage?
> Sometimes this causes some women to review their life and relationships, all negatives will be evaluated.
> 
> What do you want?
> Help adjusting to the seperation.
> Or do you want your wife back?


Thanks for reaching out. I want my wife back! Truth is, this woman I have loved for 15 yrs has not been the same woman for the past few years. She has turned into a distant, lazy roommate. Much of that is due to my abandonment of her. I am hurt, confused, and for the first time in my life.....desperate! I fear it is already too late.


Diana7 said:


> I can never understand how anyone can walk out on her children, that is just awful.
> Doesn't she realise the damage she will do?


I am with you on that but she is nearby and will still be involved in their lives. Unless I move back to my support system (friends/family) when she leaves. Only 2 hours away but she will definitely be less present.


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## Evinrude58

File for divorce. Your wife doesn’t care about you anymore. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is.
I doubt the affair partner is not close by. If he was far off, there’s no need for the separation which is for her to date him and have monkey sex with him without you **** blocking.


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## bobert

TryingToHoldon77 said:


> She has had an online relationship with a man from another country for well over a month. Never met in person but the fact that she "developed a crush" on another man makes her feel like she needs space and may need to divorce and explore other options.


I call ********. Why would she want an apartment, a bachelor or one-bedroom no less, to "figure things out"? What decent mother walks away from her kids like that? No, I bet if you showed up there one day you'd find some man banging her. 



> Thanks for reaching out. I want my wife back! Truth is, this woman I have loved for 15 yrs has not been the same woman for the past few years. She has turned into a distant, lazy roommate. Much of that is due to my abandonment of her. I am hurt, confused, and for the first time in my life.....desperate! I fear it is already too late.


If you really do want her back, and you're not just in shock, acting desperate will absolutely not work. You cannot wait around, crying and begging for her to come back to you. The "pick me!" dance doesn't work. 

She's cheating. That's on her, not you. Don't blame yourself for her infidelity.


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## D0nnivain

If there is another man, this is doomed, Sorry. 

It sounds like you missed all the signs & are only waking up now that she's announced her breaking point. Had you been clued in before she "met" this other guy you may have been able to save things by getting MC & amending your ways but at this point any desire she may have had to fix things is crushed & she's looking forward to the future. 

Your focus at this point has to be protecting your kids.


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## maquiscat

DudeInProgress said:


> Do NOT allow any separation. Period.
> 
> Your wife is telling you very clearly that she does not want you anymore, does not respect you, is not in love with you, and wants to explore/ease into a life without you. She is looking to replace you but wants to keep you as her back up plan. Her actions and stated intent make this crystal clear. Everything else she may be telling you is ******.
> 
> You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.
> 
> DO NOT allow a separation.
> A separation is only a way to
> 
> ease into a divorce at her convenience, and/or
> try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
> 
> She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between.
> If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
> If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly.
> You need to act immediately in your own best interest.


Actually that may not be up to him. Many states have enforced separation periods before divorce will be granted, and it's not necessarily common knowledge. I didn't know that about my state before I tried for a divorce from my first wife.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Trident

You're in luck- her moving out will make things much easier for you.

She's probably in the "affair fog" of the online relationship which is clouding her judgement and leading to poor decisions on her part that will benefit you.

But it won't last forever, you need to act fast.

Start separating finances- close joint accounts, cancel joint credit cards, protect your ASSets.

Think of this as business only. You can cry at night after you've done the legwork during the day. 

Consider approaching her with a reasonable settlement offer rather than going right to attorneys and what could be expensive, protracted, and nonproductive litigation that only benefits "the system".


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