# Husband Abused by sister who was 10 years older



## sunsh!n3 (Dec 9, 2017)

Hello, 
I am looking to see if anyone has any advice on how to cope or help my husband cope. He recently told me that when he was 7 years old his sister who was 10 years older, 17, sexually assaulted him. He said it happened more than once. He has also talked about her burning him with car cigarette lighters as a child.... His family is four siblings total. He is the youngest and this sister is the oldest. Their mother, my mother in law, died a few years ago, but since her death I have come to understand that she was given up for adoption as a baby because her mother was raped, due to this my husband and his siblings have never had any contact or relation with their biological grandparents. I'm trying to piece it all together. He won't say if there were any other family members affected or involved in the abuse. The story he told me was they were under his twin bed and his mom walked in and asked them what they were doing. Either him or his sister had just gotten out of the shower and there was a towel blocking her view I think... But he questioned "she had to know something was up..." My first thought was his sister must have been abused by someone else to want to do that to her brother who was 10 years younger than her. (I am also 10 years older than my brother and when I was a teenager I was interested in teenage boys! I also was never sexually abused..) Fast forward to present day: My husband and I have two little girls. His sister is crazy obsessed with controlling us and we've done therapy a few years ago (due to his mother's death) to cope with a multitude of things happening with his family and we talked a lot about his sister. He never mentioned the sexual assault in our therapy sessions, but waited until much later to tell me. He has days where he drinks a lot. He will sneak alcohol. He has other days where he is great and doesnt have a drop. I know this is something that can be common in abuse victims in adulthood... I'm struggling here to deal. Does anyone else have any advice? Any similar situations? Any good resources? My heart hurts.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

This type of heinous crap happened in my FOO as well. When a child is abused by an adult some may act out by abusing younger siblings or other young children.

You can do two things. 1) Encourage your husband to get therapy for his abuse. This will most likely be long-term therapy. 2) You must take the lead in terminating _all _contact with the abusing sister. She is a “trigger” for your husband and she is likely to abuse your children. Look into a restraining order if you must. I would also look into pressing charges against the sister, but that’s me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Red Sonya.... counseling for him and cutting all contact with his sister.

If the sister is going to still be around, she must never be left alone with any children under 18.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that you need to cut off contact with the sister. I am surprised that he hasn't suggested that before. You do not need to put up with her controlling you any more, especially because of the way she treated him in the past.


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## sunsh!n3 (Dec 9, 2017)

My initial gut reaction was to wait a few days after he told me to tell him how upset I was and how she needed to be removed from our lives immediately. The most bizarre aspect of this tory to me is that she is so overly involved in all of her siblings lives. There are four of them total. She is the oldest, followed by another brother, then another sister, and then my husband is the youngest. My husband is a very well liked guy. He has a lot of friends. He is successful. His siblings are all very self-destructive. He has some tendencies at times but he also works hard to do the right thing. I am beginning to question if there was a lot of abuse that has gone under the radar that would explain all of their behavior? His siblings all struggle to have an real friendships. I believe the only thing that saved him was his aunt and uncle would take him a lot and he would spend time with their 3 boys and see what a normal family was like growing up. 

Back to the current situation though… His sister is possessive with all of the siblings. She is married and has no children. Her husband works night shift so when she is home alone she will go through phases where she will call either myself or my husband every night and want to keep us on the phone for 40 min to an hour!!! Since we have moved away recently it has declined and initially I had blocked her from my phone because I was soooooo angry about what had happened. I keep trying to understand but I know I cannot without the whole story. I don't want to blame her because I truly feel that someone hurt her first and that caused her to do what she did. 

Although, I do not know how to cut her out without creating a **** storm through out the family (and possibly having to cut out the rest of the family) and I believe this is why my husband and I have not done it. He was fine with our kids not being alone with her. He doesn't know how to cut her out without everyone knowing what happened. I also believe that there is much more to the story. Although, he always says "we don't know if it even happened. Maybe it was a bad dream… It had to be a dream." he tries to deny it, but he was the one who told me in the first place. Another REALLY weird piece to the puzzle is about his mother. My husband's mother was adopted. Her birthmother was raped and that is how she was conceived. She did not know this until she was in late high school and was very ashamed of it. It really sucks that I am convinced either his mom or dad abused him… more so his father because he and his abusive sister have very similar tendencies: they're both manic, they play the innocent role all the time (i.e.: FIL told me a story about letting his dogs poop in neighbors yard and then was a **** to the animal control and acted like he shouldn't be in trouble!? SIL told me a story about lying to win biggest loser at work b/c the other girl who was going to win was able to take diet pills and since she couldn't take them she lied to win!!! WTH!?) it's like they're sociopathic and have no remorse for how others feel. I'm sick to my stomach and I can hardly look at my husband somedays because I am so upset. 

Another thing I wanted to say is that I have a very nice family. I am so fortunate. My husband looks up to my dad and goes to him for advice instead of his father. I think he is ashamed and would be horrified at the thought of them knowing what happened with his family. 

Thanks for your responses. Just getting it off my chest is very therapeutic.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

> *I don't want to blame her because I truly feel that someone hurt her first and that caused her to do what she did.*


Don't fall into this faulty line of thinking. There comes a point in your life (she was 17, FFS) where you know what you are doing is wrong, no matter if it was done to you.

BTW, I was burned with lighters, cigarettes and other items when I was a little girl. Guess how many people I have in turn burned in my lifetime? *None.*

I knew it was evil behavior when it was happening and I have always known. If you have empathy and/or a conscience you _know_.


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## sunsh!n3 (Dec 9, 2017)

You're all very right. I know she knows better. I am sure she knew better. She just has all the insane impulse behaviors that I could go on and on about. Once the holidays pass we will be able to sit down and have a serious discussion to begin trying to move forward. I could care less if we never saw them again. I don't know what strings he is grasping for with his family. They're not nice. They're just a lot in general. I truly think he just wants what "every" other family has (or so he believes they have). He wants to feel normal and act like it never happened, but until he deals with it head on he can't be the father and husband he works so hard to be. He really is great in a lot of ways and I am so grateful for him. Thank you again for your advice. Im going to push for therapy to start after the new year. We live away from our families and it will be something we should be able to pursue without anyone being involved until he is ready for that step.


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