# We had a bad fight.



## *everafter* (Nov 7, 2010)

We are trying to reconcile and just had a huge fight on Friday. I can't get over my jealousy and mistrust after his EA so every time I see him on his phone messaging I break. That's what our fight was about and he moved to the couch. 
I feel bad and sorry. He was messaging with a male friend of ours. I feel so stupid but I don't want to constantly apologise either. When I'm talking to him he asks what in an upset tone. then when I repeat it he answers with an indifferent tone. I don't know if I should just leave him be for a while like NC or what should I do. I really do want this R to work! 

PS. any advise on how to get over this jealousy issue?
We have kids so I guess NC doesn't work. Should I visit my parents for a couple of days with them? I don't know what to do. I'm really desperate.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Insist on transparency and your anxiety will decrease as he shows you what he is doing.

If he hides access? It seems like evidence of more straying--even if he is confused about the different between privacy and hiding.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

He sounds emotionally immature. If he has an affair he should be prepared for you to freak out often afterwards, even at innocent things. Giving you the 'WHAT?' treatment is just his inability to verbalise what the problem is.

As for what to do...I guess...

Sit him down and say 'honey, it's clear you're annoyed. But being non communicative isn't working as a coping strategy for either of us. I'd really like to hear how you feel and what you need'.

Sometimes you have to coax them to speak.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

again, get in MC any way possible. I know he doesn't think it helps, but it really does. 

This specific fight isn't tricky stuff. You don't trust him. He doesn't want to be nagged about it.

The only way to get past it is good communication. He needs to realize you have been hurt and need transparency from him.

Every couple that has gone through and EA has very similar issues. The way successful ones deal with it is communication and BOTH parties being open and honest. Its not really possible to move past hurt without it.

If that isn't possible yet, you need to deescalate things. If it starts to get heated, say something like "I'm very hurt and trying to trust you again. Fighting again about this isn't going to help anything" and walk away or whatever works to stop the argument. Try to focus more on whats going to help the relationship long run instead of getting out anger and hurt at the moment.

other than that get in MC by yourself or read every MC book you can that speaks to you. Some of the online MC stuff looked good too from the intro videos.

This fight wasn't just your fault either.

Here are two of the stickies from the infidelity section.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ded-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html#post208407
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


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