# Infidelity and Respect (long, please bear with me!)



## Mangito (Jul 8, 2013)

My husband and I have been married almost 3 months, together almost 3 years. When we first met things were great, or sex life amazing, he was a great father, and I was the kind of girl who would do anything for her man, always eager to please. We both made some mistakes : I went out to a bar with a friend and lied to him about it - he flirted with girls online and sent inappropriate texts to his baby mama. 

These things are bad, but not enough that we couldn't get through them. Things started to go bad (for me) when I realized he wasn't willing to put in as much effort. I did everything I could to make up for my mistakes, no matter how ridiculous I thought his demands were. But when it says his turn, he wasn't willing to do anything I asked. According to him, loving me and respecting me should have been enough to win back my trust and forgiveness. Imagine my surprise, after everything he had put me through, everything I did WILLINGLY to make up for my mistakes and he wasn't willing to do anything except treat me better. 

That was when my resentment started. True to his word, he did treat me better. I treated him like **** for a year, arguing about the things I needed to trust him again. The only reason I stayed with him was because he stayed through that. After about a year I finally got what I wanted and things got better - kind of. I had decided not to be a door mat anymore, and I wasn't going to break my back doing everythin for him if he wasn't willing to do so for me. I started treating him better, and even though he still complained I was rude and disrespectful, things were still okay. 

So we got married. We felt we were in a good place, and on the same page. We loved each other, so why not? A couple weeks before he had done second thoughts - I thought it was normal cold feet, but I let him know if he postponed the wedding it would probably do irreparable damage to our relationship. Not a threat, just a fact. He chose to go through with it. 

After the wedding this went down hill. His lost his sex drive for a while and put about 4000 dollars of work into his car, instead of 2000 towards the car and 2000 to savings for our house like we had talked about. I recently found out that weeks before our wedding, he was having a CA, some girl who sent him a bunch of naked pictures, he led her on but nothing physical. 

Supposedly this time, he was willing to do anything, but now he says that things would be 1000% better if I respected him. The problem is, I don't think he deserves it. After what he did with that girl, and he hasn't put our marriage or future first before anything.. He thinks he deserves respect no matter what and if I was a decent person it would be easy for me. 

Is he right? Or does he have to earn the respect back, like I think? If I'm right, how do I get him to see that?
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Respect is like wages. We earn both.
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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

What happened when you went to the bar with this friend? Is this friend still in your life?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

He sounds like he's from a culture where machismo is really important. I do not personally respect a man just because he wants me to or his honor code demands it. Respect is earned, not bestowed.

A person who struts around demanding respect without earning it, is very emotionally immature and insecure. It's also the reason why he keeps flirting with other women - he feels very insecure in his manhood, and so feeds his ego with extra attention from other women.

I live near the Mexico border, and actually hear the men here talk about it being their "right" to cheat as long as the paycheck comes home to their families. It is culturally-enabled infidelity. Of course, not every man does it, but a whole lot do.

My question is, if you didn't respect him before you married him, why did you marry him?


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## Mangito (Jul 8, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> What happened when you went to the bar with this friend? Is this friend still in your life?


It was my 21st birthday. I only made plans cuz he dumped me the day before then we had a reconciliation that day, but I didn't feel right ditching my friend. Nothing happened. I got too drunk after about an hour and she took me to get house to sleep it off. We are no longer friends (for other reasons).
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## Mangito (Jul 8, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> My question is, if you didn't respect him before you married him, why did you marry him?


I did respect him when I married him. It wasn't until after the wedding, when he didn't step up as a husband and when I found out about his little cyber fling that I lost it - again. 

You're right, he's Mexican.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mangito, he felt like you were rude and disrespectful to him yet he stayed with you. No he doesn't deserve respect from you because he's willing to stay in the relationship without it. This works both ways. In my opinion the best way is to set boundaries for yourselves and your relationship and each stay within those boundaries and then treat each other with respect because you are both being worthy of it. If you have a bad day and say something snarky or nasty and he doesn't call you out then maybe he gets what he's asking for. Your resentment for him not standing up too you. Why would you think he will stand up for you if he can't stand up to you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Mangito said:


> Supposedly this time, he was willing to do anything, but now he says that things would be 1000% better if I respected him. The problem is, I don't think he deserves it. After what he did with that girl, and he hasn't put our marriage or future first before anything.. He thinks he deserves respect no matter what and if I was a decent person it would be easy for me.


He believe he deserves respect beacuse he has the right set of genitalia between the legs, that's what he learned since child, that's how his friends claims deal with their wives.
I will spend the money as I decide from now on. And shut the f0ck up already, woman. 
You just got married friend, think very hard about what you want, he's setting the tone of the rest of your married life. It's a window into the future.
And he's addicted to this online - phone stuff which clearly he minimizes (and comparing it to the fact you once went out with a female friend... please). He's going to have you with a very short rope while he will do whatever he wants every moment. The same with the money.

Machista hasta la médula.


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