# Any recommendations for good books re: controlling emotions...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I ask because I often act with emotion instead of logic. I want to be calm and think things thru but instead I often react quickly based on emotion and then often regret it later, as I think well I overreacted and now feel like an idiot. I will as well often catastrophize things in my mind and react based on that. 

When H and I were going to counseling the counselor told me that I appear to be comfortable with being angry and there is truth in that...I think I feel when I am angry I have power and control...but I realize that it is just the opposite that when I react with anger, etc. that it is because I feel like I have zero control. Anger for me is not physical by any means it is all inside and comes out with words, critical words, etc.

I also like to vent about something somebody said or did that ticked me off and then I think well I feel better now....but then feel kind of guilty for venting. 

Gosh just reading this I sound like a mess 


So any books, apps, etc. that anyone can recommend. Any reformed folks on here that can offer words of wisdom Mentally I am tired of doing the same negative behaviours over and over....

I am even debating hypnosis....has anybody tried?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Do you suffer from anxiety? I often notice that people who are generally anxious tend to be more like you describe. If that's an issue, you might try exercise, meditation, or other stress-relief options. 

Oh, and the venting? Try doing that aloud when you're alone in your car. I used to do that a good bit. It served as something of a pressure relief valve for me. Afterward, I felt better for having vented and _didn't _feel guilty because no one had heard me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes I do have anxiety.

I am not interested in taking medications or anything. I was reading online that acupuncture might help as well with depression/anger. I am going to check that out more.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I've been doing a lot of mindfulness work. My therapist started a weekly group at her clinic that has been great. It's very much about being present and focusing on the moment. Emotions are usually stirred up as a result of things that happened on the past or things that we perceive about the future. 

May not be for everyone, but it's been very helpful for me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes I agree...things that happened in the past or things you anticipate about the future...absolutely!!!

I tend to ruminate a lot about the past and also get all worked up about the future...so that is true...often especially at night my mind gets all worked up about something that happened or might happen and I go over and over it getting more and more angry/upset...it is not healthy. I can work myself up to the point where I am crying and or filled with rage and hatred.

I think whatever I decide to do I have to work at it and follow thru..I know I tend to have a good day and then think I am fine who cares...


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I know one of the books we work out of is called Buddha's Brain. I'm also reading the Power of Now.

We do some good breathing techniques that I've found very helpful, too. You can find lots online about that, if you're interested, and there are some great apps out there!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I will check those out...I like Buddhism. Find it very interesting.

Any apps you can recommend? I also like sleep hypnosis ones..ones that I can play at night as I go to sleep.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think too a lot of this is thinking before you act/speak whatever.....I tend to do things fast thus I also react fast instead of thinking about it and then acting/saying stuff more calmly.

98% of the time I find that in hindsight I am not happy with what I said/how I acted/came across, etc. Thus at night often I ruminate and think about I should have said this or done this...and then it goes from there.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Mindfulness can help with that. It can help you think differently in the moment and maybe help you respond in a way you can be more at peace with. And again, that ruminating later is just focusing on the past. 

Ha-I'm sounding pretty earthy with this talk. It's really been beneficial for me as I've transitioned to my new life, though. 

I'd have to check the apps... I have used Sleeping Zone in the past for noise to help me sleep, and I like 7second Meditation to make me pause during the day. There are lots more, though!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I also recommend learning to be mindful. You learn to notice when your emotions or thoughts start to move in a direction other than normal calm observation, and can choose to act differently than the way your feelings push you.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Awesome....I am going to download Buddha's Brain as well...they also have a facebook page.

It amazes me how everything kind of cascades into something else like a vicious circle...I get mad/upset/overreact that in turn makes people react differently to me then that in turn gets me upset/mad again. 

What I have to do is start working on it CONSISTENTLY!!!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I also recommend learning to be mindful. You learn to notice when your emotions or thoughts start to move in a direction other than normal calm observation, and can choose to act differently than the way your feelings push you.


Absolutly...I have a lot of work to do! I know I often blame others and think well if they didn't do that or didn't do this then I could act better...but it is like well it is all up to me to choose how I react.

I just want to be healthy and be the person I want to be.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

I like "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" by Steven Hayes:

http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind...words=get+out+of+your+mind+and+into+your+life

His approach is very similar to Buddhism. You have to do the exercises, though, you can't just read it.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

skype said:


> I like "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" by Steven Hayes:
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind...words=get+out+of+your+mind+and+into+your+life
> 
> His approach is very similar to Buddhism. You have to do the exercises, though, you can't just read it.


Thanks for this! I just downloaded it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

skype said:


> I like "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" by Steven Hayes:
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind...words=get+out+of+your+mind+and+into+your+life
> 
> His approach is very similar to Buddhism. You have to do the exercises, though, you can't just read it.


I so agree...I have work to do. Thanks!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I learned the basics of CBT in college and have found it quite useful in regulating emotions... Some parts of CBT you can try yourself and some in counseling.

The trick is to figure out why some things (which?) trigger emotional responses instead of rational responses. Think not in terms of emotions or feelings but in terms of gains / losses / impact / etc.

Plan ahead. Establish priorities. Don't sweat the small details. Avoid triggers...

Here's some interesting materials: http://psychology.tools/affect-regulation.html

Also ask yourself why you're getting emotional to begin with...


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

highwood said:


> I ask because I often act with emotion instead of logic. I want to be calm and think things thru but instead I often react quickly based on emotion and then often regret it later, as I think well I overreacted and now feel like an idiot. I will as well often catastrophize things in my mind and react based on that.
> 
> When H and I were going to counseling the counselor told me that I appear to be comfortable with being angry and there is truth in that...I think I feel when I am angry I have power and control...but I realize that it is just the opposite that when I react with anger, etc. that it is because I feel like I have zero control. Anger for me is not physical by any means it is all inside and comes out with words, critical words, etc.
> 
> ...


Being an emotional person is not necessarily a negative trait! Of course, you want to be calm and think things through but you're probably emotional because you care so much! I bet you love with all your heart as well. Look into it, but just don't squash your spirit! xooxo


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If OP finds she's "too emotional" she may want to look into venues that involve emotional expression - the arts, writing, music, design... 

Likewise there's lots of fields that being too emotional probably can't help (health care or engineering etc). 

Even as hobbies things like music or writing can be very helpful.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

highwood said:


> I tend to ruminate a lot about the past and also get all worked up about the future...so that is true...often especially at night my mind gets all worked up about something that happened or might happen and I go over and over it getting more and more angry/upset...it is not healthy. I can work myself up to the point where I am crying and or filled with rage and hatred.


I'm no expert however I think it's likely these strong emotions are because you're annoyed at yourself. Is it possible that your thoughts, actions and feelings aren't aligned? I think when we're able to be more mindful, we can live more congruently.

What happens with congruence? ....perhaps it's that we're able to be more in the moment as we are living in accordance with our authentic self. 

I can only draw from personal experience in a way to share with you. The way I'd handle emotions would be to turn inwardly, usually with music, to quietly think things through and consider the different perspectives and then come to my conclusion. What I failed to realize was this leaves the other person in the cold as to what I'm feeling. 

The other end of my reactions would be pull the mental trigger 'fvck it, then' ....and walk when I felt I was backed into a corner. This wasn't healthy either. What I had to learn and be really mindful of, was when I felt that 'fvck it' feeling emerging. The cut n run. So when I did start feeling that urge creeping up, I was mindful to keep expressing how I felt. I learned to count my breath, allow for pause and continue expressing. This felt difficult at first. I even started with simply expressing that I was feeling backed into a corner and wanted out. To then expressing that I wanted to continue talking but was feeling defensive. To then encouraging that we continue communicating to work it out .....to now not needing that at all, and simply expressing. I do my best to contain to what's happening in the moment. I'm still able to consider other perspectives in that moment while expressing myself. Emotions aren't a negative thing. It's what we do with the emotion, if we're good with who we are, how we behave, the outcome it brings and how it impacts others that is to be considered.

The times when I've mulled over and over something and felt annoyed, upset or frustrated, are the times when ultimately I feel I let myself down by not expressing myself in a constructive way - my words, behavior and feelings were not congruent. The more aware I've become of this in the moment, the easier it gets, in various scenarios. When I realize with hindsight that I've not expressed what I needed, I simply forgive myself and move on, while observing for next time. 

It takes time to change these habits. I do believe it begins with the thought process first though. Thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions. Be aware of your thoughts.

_Behind every thought is awareness. All emotions are fleeting. Face the emotion, so it crosses the mind without it leaving a track. Mind transformation is a new way of being; a new way of perceiving things._


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