# It’s all about him



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

Hi,
I’m 34. Been married for 8 years have 2 kids. I’ve never had an orgasm during sex. My husband always finishes really quickly. In the beginning he used to try and make it last longer for me and we used to have foreplay. But in the past two years since we had kids he just finished really fast. We have sex once every 6-8 weeks. I asked him if we can use the long lasting condoms and he just laughed and told me to buy the regular thin feel ones we always use. Sex lasts for 2 min max. Again when i tried talking to him about it he just laughed. I got annoyed and told him he was selfish and only cared about his needs and said now i understand why people have affairs. He stopped talking me for saying the affairs thing even though he knows it was a joke. He always jokes about having a second wife to tease me and asks me to help him find a second wife. I never react because i know he’s joking. But now when I’m telling him my needs are not being met he laughs it off like what ever. What do I do?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I suggest a marriage counselor for you both.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

R001 said:


> Hi,
> I’m 34. Been married for 8 years have 2 kids. I’ve never had an orgasm during sex.


You're ASSUMING that you're supposed to climax during intercourse, yet you have no idea if you can since you've never had an orgasm during sex.

If anything, that tells me that maybe you can't - only a small percentage of women are able to do that.

Secondly, you married a selfish ass-hole who literally doesn't give a rat's ass about you at all. Why on earth are you even letting this selfish pig touch you when he doesn't give a **** about you? And then this POS has the colossal nerve to tell you he needs a 'second wife' - like HIS inability to please a woman is YOUR fault. What a joke.

Next time the pig tells you he needs a second wife, ask him why disappointing ONE woman isn't enough for him and he needs to disappoint two? 

Why women put up with these ass-holes is literally a mystery for the ages.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

If you are only having sex every 6-8 weeks, your problems are more than just sex itself. I agree with Yeswecan, you two should seek counseling as I think the sex problems are just indicative of other issues. Even in my own low-sex marriage, we still at least have sex at least once per week.


----------



## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Does he typically turn to humor when you try to discuss something that makes him uncomfortable? I'm sure all the sexperts will be weighing in shortly on techniques. I'd think that if one method wouldn't work a loving partner would be willing to try others that would.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> If you are only having sex every 6-8 weeks, your problems are more than just sex itself. I agree with Yeswecan, you two should seek counseling as I think the sex problems are just indicative of other issues. Even in my own low-sex marriage, we still at least have sex at least once per week.


It would be the hope the marriage counselor would help sort out the issues. First being the idiotic H saying he needs a second W. Who says crap like that? Specifically when he can satisfy one?!? A third party needs this H to see the light.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> If you are only having sex every 6-8 weeks, your problems are more than just sex itself. I agree with Yeswecan, you two should seek counseling as I think the sex problems are just indicative of other issues. Even in my own low-sex marriage, we still at least have sex at least once per week.


A very succinct answer.

Take heed.

Also, take time during sex to show your H how you can reach O by doing yourself while he watches or helps, or don't be shy keep offering kindly and sexy instructions while he does you. 

All before it's his "turn" certainly before any PIV. 

And it may take practice by you, in advance, so you can really show him what you like.
You do have to take that responsibility on yourself to be able to look back and say well I tried.

He's obviously being selfish and an ass, but you'll have to guide him to help this along.

How it goes will show how committed he is to either be a better team player or a better ass.

Do it for yourself!

Show him you're a sexual dynamo and he can either plug in to the program or not, but that you can certainly light up his world if he is an enthusiastic partner.

And that you'll have fun, with or without him!!


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Next time he wants to have sex tell him not unless you realize that you have to think of my needs also. If he refuses, get out a vibrator and go to town. Let him see what it's like for you to actually have an orgasm. Or the next time he jokes about getting a second wife, tell him you need a second husband so you can actually have an orgasm. Or let him start and then pull off and walk away leaving him hanging. When he complains inform him that is what sex is like with him EVERY time you've ever had sex. 

Have you ever had one at all or just not with him? If never, you need to spend some time on yourself figuring out what you need so you can teach him assuming the above opens his eyes. However, if you've been faking then you've made your job much more difficult in teaching him.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

R001 said:


> We have sex once every 6-8 weeks.


According to the Catholic Church a priest will actually tell you that it should be at least once a week in order to fulfill one's marital obligations. 

While looking at this from a viewpoint of a marital obligation, it can feel as though it takes the excitement away from it. But having regular "maintenance sex" within a marriage is a good tool to keep the relationship strong. If someone struggles with that, it will help you get to the reasons of why there is a struggle so that those things can be addressed.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

As others have pointed out, longer intercourse isn't the most likely way for you to reach orgasm. But if you want it to last longer, he ought to be willing to try to make it last longer regardless. Also, you mentioned lack of foreplay, that is something he also ought to be willing to do. This is not to say you have to do it that way every time, or that what he likes doesn't matter, just that the status quo is the opposite and is no good.

As for joking about a 2nd wife, I think humor in a marriage is a good thing, but there is a time and a place. If you want to know whether he's joking, you can ask. If he is laughing off something that matters to you, you can say "No, really, I'm serious. This matters, please don't make it a joke." I would say it calmly at least the first time, and add anger if it's ignored.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

badsanta said:


> According to the Catholic Church a priest will actually tell you that it should be at least once a week in order to fulfill one's marital obligations.


I throw the BS flag on that one. NEVER heard that from ANY priest (and two of my uncles were priests). If one told you that, it as NOTHING to do with the Catholic religion.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, the next time he approaches YOU for sex, tell him that YOU need to climax FIRST, and then he can do his thing. NO PIV until you get yours.
If he doesn't agree, then ask him what's in it for you?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, without foreplay, nothing is going to happen in two minutes. I do hope you are getting yourself off, because you can, you know.


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

TBH this selfish attitude of his is making me hate him more and more. I don’t really want him touching me. He’s actually a really arrogant person and most of the time is sarcastic towards me. The only time he is nice to me is when he needs sex. I’m actually 5 months post partum. When i wanted to have sex about 2 months after the baby was born he was refusing to use a condom i told him i can’t risk getting pregnant so soon after a c section and gave him two options either sex with condom or no sex. He opted for no sex.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you ever had an orgasm, either by yourself or with a partner?


----------



## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

I’m not sure Catholic doctrine is even appropriate but I did have a priest advise me that it’s wrong to rev someone up and leave them hanging. He said it more elegantly, God bless him.

I agree... not just wrong, borderline cruel.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

R001 said:


> TBH this selfish attitude of his is making me hate him more and more. I don’t really want him touching me. He’s actually a really arrogant person and most of the time is sarcastic towards me. The only time he is nice to me is when he needs sex. I’m actually 5 months post partum. When i wanted to have sex about 2 months after the baby was born he was refusing to use a condom i told him i can’t risk getting pregnant so soon after a c section and gave him two options either sex with condom or no sex. He opted for no sex.


There's something missing here.

He desires sex just once every 6-8 weeks.
He has you buy the condoms.
He lasts just a couple of minutes.
He won't use condoms at all at times.
You don't want him touching you (but touching you is apparently not about sex? What is it about? If it is about sex, and sex is only once every 6-8 weeks, how big an annoyance is it really?)

Why did you marry this guy? What attracted you to each other? Is PIV sex the only thing on the plate? You mentioned you never orgasm during sex. At other times? 

I don't want to sound like I'm coming to his defense, but his laughing could be nervousness. He might feel very inadequate (which he should). If there are good reasons for wanting to stay married, you could consider seeing a sex therapist.


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

I desire to have sex. And i when he’s coming to me being nice and affectionate i want to forgive the nastyness. It feels nice to be desired. But just when i get warmed up and ready for the ride he’s done. And I’m left hanging. I know there are ways to satisfy myself but i want, i need intimacy with a person, a human. I’ve accepted the fact that he doesn’t love me anymore. But you don’t have to be in love to enjoy sex with someone. So many people dating are not in love but still have awesome sex.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Has he always been so low desire?


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

No. We used to have great sex in the beginning. We had lots of foreplay and he would use his fingers to pleasure me first for some time then we would have penetrative sex. He would keep pulling out whenever he felt he was coming to make it last longer. He used to get the long lasting condoms. But that’s all gone now. There’s no cuddling kissing or anything. Even now when we have sex we start off missionary but he doesn’t want to kiss...then he asks for doggy style and he’s done. Makes me think he doesn’t find me attractive. I don’t know. When i tried talking to him about it he just rolled his eyes and said ‘you just love to conplain about everything.’ He will never agree to counselling.


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

Donny69 said:


> Does he typically turn to humor when you try to discuss something that makes him uncomfortable? I'm sure all the sexperts will be weighing in shortly on techniques. I'd think that if one method wouldn't work a loving partner would be willing to try others that would.


No not really. I think he finds my desperation funny. I think it makes him feel manly ‘look she’s begging for more’


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

Donny69 said:


> Does he typically turn to humor when you try to discuss something that makes him uncomfortable? I'm sure all the sexperts will be weighing in shortly on techniques. I'd think that if one method wouldn't work a loving partner would be willing to try others that would.


No not really. I think he finds my desperation funny. I think it makes him feel manly ‘look she’s begging for more’


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> I throw the BS flag on that one. NEVER heard that from ANY priest (and two of my uncles were priests). If one told you that, it as NOTHING to do with the Catholic religion.


With regards to a priests advice on the frequency of marital obligations being that of a personal one or one that may be a standard... I am not going to argue that. 

The Catholic Church does have a very strong stance that couples should not do anything to prevent procreation. So if a spouse is unwilling to procreate and both individuals are healthy and capable then I am sure this would be a cause for concern. Once every six weeks is NOT really enough to conceive. Catholics are known for being against all forms of birth control with the exception of the rhythm method. I am fairly certain that abstinence is not viewed as an allowable form of birth control for those that are married, otherwise healthy, and still want to take communion together.


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're ASSUMING that you're supposed to climax during intercourse, yet you have no idea if you can since you've never had an orgasm during sex.
> 
> If anything, that tells me that maybe you can't - only a small percentage of women are able to do that.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything your saying. But I’m financially dependent on him. I have two kids. If i leave him i have nowhere to go. I thought about social housing and contacted the local authorities but they told me to continue living with him even as a separated couple because of the housing shortage in the city i live in. Apparently a lot of couples do that 🤷‍♀️


----------



## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Your husband is being cruel then, if laughing at your “desperation”. I think he needs to know and recognize that he is the one causing it and not because he is a stud but rather because he is leaving you unsatisfied. Perhaps this is just an education thing (take him to a sex therapist) or buy a book to learn some techniques. If he is purposefully doing this to you then it is a serious cruelty. I suspect though he is just uncomfortable or not fully aware of the pain it is causing. Maybe you could try to coach him? When he makes his usual rush move to penetrate you perhaps you could push him away and whisper a word or two of loving instruction (“kiss me”, “touch me”) in his ear. Would that be difficult?


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wow what a jerk. I would tell him you deserve better, someone who actually cares about your needs and wants and I would separate from him.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

R001 said:


> I agree with everything your saying. But I’m financially dependent on him. I have two kids. If i leave him i have nowhere to go. I thought about social housing and contacted the local authorities but they told me to continue living with him even as a separated couple because of the housing shortage in the city i live in. Apparently a lot of couples do that


Well here’s the problem. You need to get some confidence and some self respect and get a job and become independent. 
Why do you expect him to respect you when you don’t even respect you. Work on finding a job ASAP. Your a grown adult, not a dependent.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Well here’s the problem. You need to get some confidence and some self respect and get a job and become independent.
> Why do you expect him to respect you when you don’t even respect you. Work on finding a job ASAP. Your a grown adult, not a dependent.


Wow just Wow. She just had a baby 4 months ago many couples choose to have a woman stay at home to provide actual care for their small children. And you are implying mothers who stay home don't deserve respect. Wow.

OP if he's been this way for a while why would you have a second child with him? And whatever you do don't have a 3rd. 

He is being selfish and self absorbed. When you discuss this with him he may be embarrassed that he isn't satisfying you. Have you ever brought up how great you thought sex was in the beginning so that he knows he can do it right? He might think that he can't do it better. Also the pulling out to try to last longer can be frustrating so I wouldn't count on that. But there is no reason why he can't use his fingers, mouth or a toy to help you along as well as PIV. You might also want to try increasing frequency. Most men after 6 weeks of no sex are going to orgasm pretty quick. 

I doubt attraction is the problem but it could be there are some men who stop by here to complain that their wifes don't turn them on anymore. How's the post baby body? BUT way more men than that stop by to say they just want more sex and that they love their wives body even if it has changed.

Have you kept your eyes open for signs of infidelity? Turning sex down is one big red flag.

If no signs of cheating are present...
I know this sounds crazy given the current situation, but you might try daily sex for say 2 weeks then bring up improvements/ comment on how you used to enjoy when he used his fingers after the end of 2 weeks. I know it sounds crazy but for improvements to happen someone has to give. So by doing this he'll have good feelings and often times his treatment will improve. He should also be more open to further improvements. 

Also for completely opposite reasons than above, start looking for a job. See a lawyer and discuss what would be expected during a divorce. He's going to have to pay child support and maybe alimony but I have no idea about your country or area of your country so find out. You should expect to live with someone who isn't meeting your needs and this seems to be not just physical but emotional as well. If it doesn't get better why would you want this to be the rest of your life?
In


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

Woah!!! ok hold on there!!! I’m sorry i don’t know what kind of impression i’ve given you of myself but here’s some background. I met my husband when i was 21 in 2nd yr of college. As soon as i graduated i got a job i helped him out with his college fees. I’ve been working full time for over 10 years. I am a professional. I work in London Uk. 
We got married at 26 and were renting we saved up for a deposit and bought our first house at 28 yrsold. I had my first son in 2018 went on mat leave and returned to work in 2019 part time. Child care is really expensive here in uk. I’m not a high earner. Child care for ONE child would cost me more than what I earn. I have two now. So that’s why me and my husband decided it would be best for me to leave work for now until my boys are in school. Then i can go back to work full time. Giving me a break from work for a couple of years to spend time with my little ones. London is very expensive i can’t afford accommodation on my full time salary as a single parent.
Don’t judge people for their lifestyle choices. What works for me might not work for you. I’m not the first woman on earth to give up work for her family.


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

Btw my first child is 2 yrs old and second is 4 months.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Buy a book on premature ejaculation. Make sure it says Premature Ejaculation on the cover and leave it lying around where he can see it. Have a book mark sticking out of it. He just might realize that you think this is serious and start taking it seriously.

Newsflash for him: not many woman enjoy a two-pump chump.


----------



## R001 (Sep 17, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Wow just Wow. She just had a baby 4 months ago many couples choose to have a woman stay at home to provide actual care for their small children. And you are implying mothers who stay home don't deserve respect. Wow.
> 
> OP if he's been this way for a while why would you have a second child with him? And whatever you do don't have a 3rd.
> 
> ...


I think you are right. We do need to increase the frequency. I have lost confidence since my second baby. I have gained weight and my stomach has really saggy skin. I think i need to gain my confidence back. But i do realise our problems go beyond the bedroom. I want to try to fix things and not give up without trying.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

R001 said:


> . Child care for ONE child would cost me more than what I earn. I have two now. So that’s why me and my husband decided it would be best for me to leave work for now until my boys are in school.
> 
> Don’t judge people for their lifestyle choices. What works for me might not work for you. I’m not the first woman on earth to give up work for her family.


Not only can it be too expensive the quality is usually in the pits. I worked when my child was little and I wish I hadn't. They would feed her sweets for behavior (everyday), try and get her to tattle on other kids, let her watch too much TV and she was frequently bullied. We switched a few times hoping to find better. Most child care has too many children and people who look at it as just another job to do as little as possible while at work. Now that they have phones to look at during work I can't imagine how bad some of it is.

Ok so what about infidelity on his part? Any chance someone at work is lending a sympathetic ear and turning heads?

If you peruse the sex forum here you will find mostly men who just want frequent, enthusiastic sex with a willing partner. There is actually one thread right now which is an anomaly about not being attracted to their spouse. I say try it for two weeks because no only should he last longer but it will let you reset the relationship (maybe). I'm sure both you and he have some resentment right now. Resentment is a killer in relationships. Once you both have it how do you move past it? How do you have conversations without guilt, shame and accusations? 

You've tried talking to him but it seems to me he's being very defensive. It's easy to say tell him to just cut it out but that doesn't always work in real life. Do you know his love language? How much time do you two spend without the kids just together. It is important to try to keep a relationship going other than mom and dad.


----------



## Rivercat (Dec 4, 2019)

R001 said:


> No. We used to have great sex in the beginning. We had lots of foreplay and he would use his fingers to pleasure me first for some time then we would have penetrative sex. He would keep pulling out whenever he felt he was coming to make it last longer. He used to get the long lasting condoms. But that’s all gone now. There’s no cuddling kissing or anything. Even now when we have sex we start off missionary but he doesn’t want to kiss...then he asks for doggy style and he’s done. Makes me think he doesn’t find me attractive. I don’t know. When i tried talking to him about it he just rolled his eyes and said ‘you just love to conplain about everything.’ He will never agree to counselling.


At the risk of sounding cliche or like the usual bitter female: 

You are describing a man that is a habitual masturbator and after a while being married turned to porn. Im guessing he tried to get you to do porn things and you refused and wanted only normal vanilla modest things so porn won. No one can be satisfied with masturbation itself even with the over stimulation of hardcore pov porn, the actual orgasm is not as good. Just like a woman’s vibe or whatever she uses in self pleasure will never replace a proper living penis and the human affection and weight of a man ect. Its a mental and physical thing look it up, scientists even say that your body knows when u masturbate and doesn’t ejaculate as much actual sperm with ur semen cause theres no chance of reproduction happening. I would have a talk with him and explain this. Obviously yall started out right and you want what it was in the beginning. So talk it out, don’t fall for his passive aggressive or conflict avoidance tactics but force yourselves to talk it out. Im guessing you are willing to come on to him at least some of the time and dress in lingure or sext him at work or whatever it takes to get the attraction up and give him all of yourself. So then he should be willing to leave the porn or masturbation and give you all of himself in time and if not have sober talk about separation. A marriage is a physical intimate relationship and if that part goes dry it makes the other parts a drudgery and that im turn makes the kids joyless and directionless and neglected.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Nic2020 (Sep 24, 2020)

You should'nt feel like you need to explain yourself, but so many Mums do.
If staying at home works for the both of you that's your decisions.
Oddly when I wanted to work after being at home for so long my husband would say "I'm not having you be a cleaner, what would people think" (there was a self employed cleaner/mum over the road making school and work possible, having no family to help with school runs it seemed a good idea).. then it was "I need you at home"..
Now he's happy that I want to work, once the pandemic is nearer a stable situation I will go back to looking (I have a vulnerable child, so the risk scares me.. I'm so sick of the situation I've got myself in though tbh)
I've been out of work for so long, for so many reasons that I wouldn't disagree if someone told me my husband doesn't respect me. He shows everyone else respect but not always me.. maybe I deserve it.
But you don't, why doesn't he respect you? Like you I'm dependant on my husband (and have lost all confidence in myself tbh).
Once you get some independence back it will be worth reassessing things. I'm hoping he doesn't use the dependence to his advantage tbh.

There seems to be a lot more going on that a one minute man situation..

Try the Relate books, there's different ones, including one on sex. You can work in them alone.. But if he doesnt want to work on it with you it would send a sign imo. 

I thought I understood men and relationships but after 17 years with someone who says he "plays the game" and never accepts responsibility for when he hurts me (directly or indirectly) and always dismisses my feelings unless it's anger (or presumed anger) then there's no getting through.
I don't think the "its no wonder people have affairs" was a joke either, he knew it, as did you. You already think he doesn't love you anymore.. I've thought it myself, and said it, when sometimes you just need to be heard and shown care, if you feel alone or rejected it does make you wonder.

I hoe you both can work on it together, have a look at those books if you can't afford counselling (it was £150 an hour, we couldn't afford it, we'd probably need a year's worth!)


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm telling you 🙂 you've got to put it in his face, show him what he's missing out on by not stoking your fires.

Next time he leaves you hanging, don't get into a conversation but say I'd like a little better, her watch me, this is like what I want and masturbate yourself to finish, with or without toys, to a wildly erotic orgasm right then right there.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

R001 said:


> I think you are right. We do need to increase the frequency. I have lost confidence since my second baby. I have gained weight and my stomach has really saggy skin. I think i need to gain my confidence back. But i do realise our problems go beyond the bedroom. I want to try to fix things and not give up without trying.


Increasing frequency can be helped by creating a schedule. But doing so will introduce a whole new set of problems because some people view scheduling as unnatural, lacking spontaneity, and/or as if trying to force arousal. These new set of problems however should be viewed as opportunities to build the tools of what it takes as a couple to openly discuss and overcome those problems. Once you work on that, things can become more natural and then fall back into a schedule when things drift out of balance. 

My previous posts on religion and birth control were solely to point out the problems surrounding your husbands lack of frequency. Obviously if you have two children you need to be responsible. If you need your husband to wear a condom, you may want to try lambskin condoms. Since lambskin is an organic material, it transfers heat and the sense of touch much better than synthetic materials. The first time I tried one I immediately thought it had slipped off, but when I checked it was still there! 

It is extraordinarily unfortunate that there are not more options for males to take responsibility for birth control than condoms or a vasectomy. You'll always read in the news that there are more options for men coming soon. But this has been the case since decades ago. In the meantime if him being the responsible spouse is what is needed and you need a reliable method, lambskin is probably the best option. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------

