# Confused,Baffled



## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

I will try to be as simple as I can...
Wife had accident with truck year and half ago, rear ended, caused concussion, and back injury..
One year ago, she quit making payments to credit cards, then electric shut off, then most shocking she didn't make the house payments for 6 mos.. We almost lost home, had to dip into savings to save it... Credit is shot..We had the money to pay these bills along, we are not rich by a long shot, so the savings was very important..
She claims she forgot, and got embarrassed, then it got out of control, was afraid to tell me. She gets the mail, and pays the bills, she has done fine for 17 of our 18 year marriage..

I have never hit her, called her a name, very loving, manly, and soft...Nice looking, been with her of total of 26 years, i met her when she was 14 I was 17...Married at 21,24... We are now 39 me 42. I now pay the bills myself, but the damage and trust is gone...

She is very loving, sex is great if anything it improved..She says she is happy and says there isn't anything she would improve in the marriage.. She works full time, very demanding job..I take care of the home, laundry, and work part time mowing grass, she is the bread winner..
Never argue, all ways get along great... But her not paying the bills, or not telling me when we almost lost our home, I had to find out each time, she never told me, I had to look at the bank to find she hasn't paid the bills just some randomly...
Cost us a quit a bit of money we don't have to save our selves.... We have 10 years vested in this home, why did she just toss everything away if she is so happy????
Thank you so much for some kind of understanding into this...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Could be she's suffering from depression, could be she's under the influence of pain meds, could be she just isn't a great money manager. More importantly, why did you continue to delegate bill paying to her after it was obvious she was having trouble doing so? If you are surprised that the house payment wasn't paid for 6 months, you really weren't very involved in your own finances. This all can't be laid at her feet. Maybe the finances weren't a priority for her, but it's also true that they weren't a priority for you.
This wasn't a "her" problem. It was a joint effort. I don't think the solution is for you to take it over but for you and she to manage the finances, go over the budget, etc, together. Two people rowing a canoe aren't going to get anywhere unless both agree on the destination, the route, etc.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Could be she's suffering from depression, could be she's under the influence of pain meds, could be she just isn't a great money manager. More importantly, why did you continue to delegate bill paying to her after it was obvious she was having trouble doing so? If you are surprised that the house payment wasn't paid for 6 months, you really weren't very involved in your own finances. This all can't be laid at her feet. Maybe the finances weren't a priority for her, but it's also true that they weren't a priority for you.
> This wasn't a "her" problem. It was a joint effort. I don't think the solution is for you to take it over but for you and she to manage the finances, go over the budget, etc, together. Two people rowing a canoe aren't going to get anywhere unless both agree on the destination, the route, etc.


 Thank you so much, I agree with your statement... I should have realized it the first time...Now we are doing them together....
Thank you again...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It may have been the concussion, too. You never know what they will do.

And not telling you, she likely has a fear of rejection, afraid that if she showed inability, you'd not want her. Talk about it.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> It may have been the concussion, too. You never know what they will do.
> 
> And not telling you, she likely has a fear of rejection, afraid that if she showed inability, you'd not want her. Talk about it.


Thank you for your advice, she just changed jobs, got into an accident, plus she is an over achiever already and a people pleaser, so I cannot imagine what she was going through until now...
I begged her the first time to bring me the bills and I would pay them or we could do it together, but she still refused..It was after I found out about the house being in foreclosure did I finally put my foot down and told her I was getting the mail from this day forward...

She agreed and felt much relief after finally getting this off her shoulders...I tried to ask her why, but she couldn't really give me the answer I was looking for or needed..

In my mind she was telling me she was tossing the marriage out the door, or she no longer cared, but reality was she had to much on her plate... I just wished she felt comfortable enough to tell me before it cost us so much in money and trust....

I was very gentle with her, told her i understood, and we will make it out of this mess. But I really want to find out the root of the issue, was it the concussion, depression or something else...I hope it was the accident rather than an affair or just plain throwing in the towel!
Thank you...I have a some more weird stuff that happened I will write about in another post that I am concerned with, I really hope I get some answers on that post as well....
Thank You again!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just an aside, but I've been a criminal investigator and part of the job involved investigating fraud. One of the key indicators we looked for was someone in charge of the books who jealously guarded them, never taking vacations, never allowing anyone else access to them, and who became very defensive if anyone attempted to audit them. Obviously, these are mechanisms people often use to avoid detection. My ex went hysterical if I went near the bills and sure enough, she had grossly mismanaged the family finances. Protecting the family (and your own finances) sometimes means you have to endure an unpleasant confrontation with your spouse. Unpleasant tasks are frequently the most necessary.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Overachievers are notorious for being petrified that people will find fault in them. That's why they drive themselves so hard - to put on a big front of excellence. 

Look into Toxic Shame; it may explain why she is the way she is. I read Healing The Shame That Binds You, and it really helped explain why I've been so miserable - and scared of exposure - all my life.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Just an aside, but I've been a criminal investigator and part of the job involved investigating fraud. One of the key indicators we looked for was someone in charge of the books who jealously guarded them, never taking vacations, never allowing anyone else access to them, and who became very defensive if anyone attempted to audit them. Obviously, these are mechanisms people often use to avoid detection. My ex went hysterical if I went near the bills and sure enough, she had grossly mismanaged the family finances. Protecting the family (and your own finances) sometimes means you have to endure an unpleasant confrontation with your spouse. Unpleasant tasks are frequently the most necessary.


You nailed everything to the tee, although she didn't go nuts if I asked to see the bills or try to pay them, she would just say I will bring them to you, but she never did, or she would try to change the subject...She would say she took the bills to work and she forgot to bring them home...
This of course made me wake up to other areas in the marriage, now I see red flags everywhere when I didn't see them at all before..
Thank you


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Overachievers are notorious for being petrified that people will find fault in them. That's why they drive themselves so hard - to put on a big front of excellence.
> 
> Look into Toxic Shame; it may explain why she is the way she is. I read Healing The Shame That Binds You, and it really helped explain why I've been so miserable - and scared of exposure - all my life.


 Yes, she is an overachiever to the 10th degree.. A perfectionist at her job, always over exceeds every task giving to her.... I am the complete opossite...
At home though, she tends to slack on things, I always deemed this with her wanting to relax, but she spends home time on FB...The first thing she does when she gets home is get on the net..... Even if I say lets talk before you get on, she seems like she is waiting for us to get done so she can get on FB....
I made suggestions about deleting FB or the net altogether, but she never responded yes or no..

I told her she could get a smart phone since she has been using a regular cell with chat only, now I wanna go back on that offer, I simply don't know if I trust her enough to have one...I want the net out of our lives, and the smart phone will only bring about more problems, what is your take on this issue..
Also, thank you so much for helping me, your advice is soo soothing and helpful....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What this will ultimately be about is boundaries - what YOU are willing to accept in your marriage, and what you will NOT stay in a marriage for, if it includes it. You have to determine that, and communicate it to her. 

If you can't envision spending the next 40 years with her devoting 2 hours a night to FB, and you are willing to leave the marriage because of it...let her know. Then step back and let her make her decision. But if it's really your hill to die on, you have to be willing to leave if she won't stop.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> What this will ultimately be about is boundaries - what YOU are willing to accept in your marriage, and what you will NOT stay in a marriage for, if it includes it. You have to determine that, and communicate it to her.
> 
> If you can't envision spending the next 40 years with her devoting 2 hours a night to FB, and you are willing to leave the marriage because of it...let her know. Then step back and let her make her decision. But if it's really your hill to die on, you have to be willing to leave if she won't stop.


Even though I dont envision me spending 40 years watching her spend 2 hours a night on FB, I dont see that as grounds for leaving her.... My belief is, if she cheated, then I have moral grounds to leave her.... Is this the same thing as cheating?? Or would it be a controlling factor that may cause her resentment??? 
She has a good idea I dont like FB, we both have accounts, but I have one to keep an eye out on her...She has a great time posting pictures and stories..... 
So I guess I am caught in a hard place.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing: We do what feels good, and we avoid what feels bad. She is choosing to spend all her time on FB because it gives her a payoff and because the alternative - spending time on you - does NOT give her a payoff. At least not as good as with FB.

How can you change that?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

An overachiever actually achieves something. A perfectionist doesn't forget to pay bills. There are experts and then there are people who are merely experts at portraying one.


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## NeedSpace (Sep 17, 2010)

I actually sound exactly like your wife! Im horrible at bill paying and terrified that he will take over the finances and leave me with nothing and no control over my hard earned money. I also dedicate a large amount of time to fb and the net. Its the one thing i consider "mine" or me time. Part of the money issue for me is control. We are 2 vastly different personalities. I will write more later when im not on my cell and hopefully i can help give you some insight to what she is feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Here's the thing: We do what feels good, and we avoid what feels bad. She is choosing to spend all her time on FB because it gives her a payoff and because the alternative - spending time on you - does NOT give her a payoff. At least not as good as with FB.
> 
> How can you change that?


Yes, I can understand what you are saying about paying off... I was stuck watching the news while she began a love affair with FB, it was that fast! 
I really have no problem with FB other than it is very time consuming, very intrusive to our privacy when the news doesn't know what I am doing.... But, I understand the issue.. I have shown much more friendly interest in her lately and have actually noticed a drop of activity on FB, and she is sharing things with me on FB that she didn't before... So, maybe I needed to pay more attention to her or being her playmate rather than watching the news???? 
I became this Political, News, pay the bills kind of guy instead of being a playmate with her... I didn't realize this till I read it somewhere on this site... I became to serious, rather than having fun and enjoying life... Thank you:smthumbup:


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> An overachiever actually achieves something. A perfectionist doesn't forget to pay bills. There are experts and then there are people who are merely experts at portraying one.


Your right about that, and I needed clarification because I considered her a perfectionist and an overachiever, but I have realized that she is more of a "Responsible Overachiever" rather than a perfectionist... 
I am a deadline kinda of guy,I never forget when to pay things, but she has always done it, and did a wonderful job until this last year...So most of it I attribute to the head injury, while the other half I attribute to her just being tired and needing some help.... After all, I begged her to bring the bills home so we could both pay them, but she refused! Now, $25,000 later, credit shot, we are back in the grove with me making sure the bills get paid on time! She is happy, I am happy!
Thank You for your time


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

NeedSpace said:


> I actually sound exactly like your wife! Im horrible at bill paying and terrified that he will take over the finances and leave me with nothing and no control over my hard earned money. I also dedicate a large amount of time to fb and the net. Its the one thing i consider "mine" or me time. Part of the money issue for me is control. We are 2 vastly different personalities. I will write more later when im not on my cell and hopefully i can help give you some insight to what she is feeling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Interesting, I look forward to hearing your opinion.... She wants the Iphone as she uses a regular cell now, but I am terrified about this and have made my thoughts known.... One of the reasons, I am afraid the net will follow us everywhere, she will always be checking or texting, this I cannot handle beings I am from old school..... I can handle the occasional text, or making calls doesn't bother me, its the idea that she will be wrapped up in the fantasy world, putting more time on the net, thus pushing us further apart....
I have no problem what so ever if she wants "me" time, that is fine, but she is always telling me she hates to be alone....If I leave the room, she will shut system down and follow me, but if we are watching TV, her entire time is on the net, chatting, posting, reading.... LOL! 
She is trying though, I can see her push it away after awhile... And I have been showing more interest in her as well...... 
We had some serious issues with trust about finances, this of course caused me to panic and concentrate on our marriage.... So maybe I am magnifying things a bit and desire her full attention to give me security that she isn't bored with me or ready to leave... Now, I am understanding I need to work on myself too! Thank you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has anyone suggested you two fill out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com? I think Affaircare also has some on her website. That's a great way to break down what y'all's situation is really like, to get to the nitty gritty of how you feel about each other, so you can change things and improve things.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Has anyone suggested you two fill out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com? I think Affaircare also has some on her website. That's a great way to break down what y'all's situation is really like, to get to the nitty gritty of how you feel about each other, so you can change things and improve things.


Again, Thank you turnera for your help!


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