# does a deadbeat ex husband scares a man from being interested in me ?



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Wrt online dating , many are scammers to start with . Once , a man asked me for a loan just after a few text . Wtf ?

Anyway , when asked why each of us divorced . The man will mentioned his ex wife cheated and how heart broken he is and I kinda felt he is a scammer trying to get pity from me . And I will mentioned my ex H doesn't feed the family plus other issues .

Then , the man dropped off communication .

My theory is this . One , that is a scammer and he thinks I would have insufficient finances to cheat on. Two , if the man is not a scammer , he is probably afraid that if he is with me , he would have to feed my kids ? Hence , those few man dropped off the texts .

Mind you , I replied in a 2 liner , not lamentations or whatever .

I am not disturbed by this . They are hence not worth my time .

However, going forward , if there is a real good guy , I would not want to kill my future just because my ex is an a$s. How should I phrase it ?

Btw I am self sufficient and feed my children more than well . Dont need a man to feed us .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that saying that your ex did not feed the family makes is sound like you are destitute and looking for someone to who can take care of you and your children.

IF someone asked why my married ended in one of the first emails we exchanged, I would not answer it. It is none of their business.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

far from it .

my ex is the one with the financial issues . Not me . I am better off without him .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

how should I paraphrase it then ?

I dont want to sound like I am doing too well either . I dont want to attract any scammers . Or to hurt the man's ego .


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't mention the ex. Dating 101
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Why asked me why I divorce then ? If they don't like what I have to say which is the truth . Unless I lie . 

It is like asking how many previous sex partners and getting upset over it .


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

tripad said:


> Wrt online dating , many are scammers to start with . Once , a man asked me for a loan just after a few text . Wtf ?
> 
> Anyway , when asked why each of us divorced . The man will mentioned his ex wife cheated and how heart broken he is and I kinda felt he is a scammer trying to get pity from me . And I will mentioned my ex H doesn't feed the family plus other issues .
> 
> Then , the man dropped off communication .


Then you may have got spared another potential deadbeat. So it's good that you scared him off.

Hell if dates get put off by the fact that I have a daughter who's my priority then I'm happy - by them buggering off themselves they spare me alot of wasted time and money.

Personally if I had learnt that the reason a woman divorced her husband because he was a deadbeat I would only be encouraged in what I can provide for her. Though you may wish to mention that you are self-employed and financially stable, a SAHM complaining about a deadbeat husband is a red flag too.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just say "it didn't work out" or "we found that we didn't have anything in common / weren't compatible." 

There is NO reason for you to give so much detail about your personal life and reasons for divorce early on. You're dating, and from what you describe, just texting actually. I believe in honesty and transparency, but getting to know someone does not require you to bear your soul on the first day. And absolutely not through text. 

When I was OLD, I had a rule of texting no more than 3-4 days with a potential date before an actual date was planned. I'd tell my full story on the 3rd physical date.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Maybe the guy was looking for a kindred spirit, someone else who had been cheated on so he could continue wallowing in pity. Or possibly by you announcing your ex doesn't support your kids you came off as resentful and still carrying baggage. 

The short answer is always the best "we just weren't a very good couple".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cooper said:


> Maybe the guy was looking for a kindred spirit, someone else who had been cheated on so he could continue wallowing in pity. *Or possibly by you announcing your ex doesn't support your kids you came off as resentful and still carrying baggage.*
> 
> The short answer is always the best "we just weren't a very good couple".


and also a financial drain on him.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Anyone asking such personal details early on and through a text be happy he didn't respond. He did you a long lasting favor. I would keep early on conversation about interests and zero personal information before a date. 

Why share personal details, if you possibly might not meet the person? I would meet up for a coffee and or plan something short. Once you meet a person, you can feel if you or he want to meet up again. I would still refrain from deep conversations and just keep answers short or not about what went wrong with an ex. Unless dates become consistent and starts turning into something more, he doesn't need to know the ins and out of your past.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Then you may have got spared another potential deadbeat. So it's good that you scared him off.
> 
> :nerd:exactly what i think too
> 
> ...


Once , a man lamented to me that he broke up with ex gf bcoz he was not given a room ! He was 40 and a banker ! Get your own room . Felt that some people may think that a divorced woman has alimony and child support and a house so they can milk some .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Satya said:


> Just say "it didn't work out" or "we found that we didn't have anything in common / weren't compatible."
> 
> There is NO reason for you to give so much detail about your personal life and reasons for divorce early on. You're dating, and from what you describe, just texting actually. I believe in honesty and transparency, but getting to know someone does not require you to bear your soul on the first day. And absolutely not through text.
> 
> When I was OLD, I had a rule of texting no more than 3-4 days with a potential date before an actual date was planned. I'd tell my full story on the 3rd physical date.


I didnt get pass texting .

Some dropped off as mentioned earlier when they heard I have a deadbeat ex.

Others seem like scammers asking for loan or lamenting he has no room to stay in . Some ask for sex or into my house when I dont even know them . They didnt pass to make me want to spend time to date them . 

Recently , one guy clear the first steps thusfar so I wonder what I should say now if he ever ask .


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> Satya said:
> 
> 
> > Just say "it didn't work out" or "we found that we didn't have anything in common / weren't compatible."
> ...



Just curious, how many days do you text these men and why not limit the going back/forth by grabbing a quick coffee? For me, conversation can be decent in a text or be misread. A face and body language will let you know if you want to engage or not.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> Anyone asking such personal details early on and through a text be happy he didn't respond. He did you a long lasting favor.
> 
> yup i was glad that i didnt have to waste anymore time
> 
> ...


Hmmmm . My thinking is that I might as well tell early on before I have any feelings , or vice versa , and if the man doesn't like the idea of my deadbeat ex , better not to start anything , than to have the trouble and heartache of ending it . I honestly feel that I need a real man who is able to care and provide for me , even though I can do it myself .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> Just curious, how many days do you text these men and why not limit the going back/forth by grabbing a quick coffee? For me, conversation can be decent in a text or be misread. A face and body language will let you know if you want to engage or not.


Not many days . Not many texts . I am not into many texts and long emails and letters .

The longest was this guy over 4 -5 days and he asked for a loan , faking trouble in business ! N who cursed me for being heartless when rejected .

Another over 2-3 days but he text continuously and just too much cute empty promises , "I will be your angel" :surprise: and inviting himself into my home :surprise: to cook for me with my kids around :surprise: like who is this man mom :surprise: . Told him to drop me off and he wasnt courteous after that :surprise: God , no wonder I sensed something amiss .


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Can't a man be showing and telling if he's a provider by finding out other details? I do see where you are coming from though. (I have to look at things as the postive and or negative side of it).

I'm more of a show me person than what someone tells me. I also believe sharing your ex is a deadbeat doesn't necessarily push other deadbeats away. I think that's quite a bit of information for someone who means little to nothing, 

I think dating should be fun and not as complicated. Yes, with kids involved you want to skim through and find a suitable man to fill that fatherly (or a provider) role. I think many cues can be picked up on by other various questions or asking about their family. If anything possibly a man who has children of his own, finding out he's very much involved with his children and respects their mother (can co/partner well). 

I do realize dating is hard and completely understand wading through many duds!


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > Just curious, how many days do you text these men and why not limit the going back/forth by grabbing a quick coffee? For me, conversation can be decent in a text or be misread. A face and body language will let you know if you want to engage or not.
> ...



Lol!! Wow! Quite the interesting bunch. That's awful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that saying that your ex did not feed the family makes is sound like you are destitute and looking for someone to who can take care of you and your children.
> 
> IF someone asked why my married ended in one of the first emails we exchanged, I would not answer it. It is none of their business.


Unless they hope to quickly establish that the other person is not a cheater?

And the earlier that's established the better, I suppose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That is correct MattMatt. If the subject is important it should be asked very early on. For me, because of my past, it's cheating. For some it's going to me money worries. I will ask a potential date, sometimes even before meeting for the first time, if thier marriage ended because of infidelity. I have never been told it's none of your business but if I was told that I will assume it's a yes and move on. No skin off my back.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Unless they hope to quickly establish that the other person is not a cheater?
> 
> And the earlier that's established the better, I suppose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dont need to suppose . You just read my mind .



Wolf1974 said:


> That is correct MattMatt. If the subject is important it should be asked very early on. For me, because of my past, it's cheating. For some it's going to me money worries. I will ask a potential date, sometimes even before meeting for the first time, if thier marriage ended because of infidelity. I have never been told it's none of your business but if I was told that I will assume it's a yes and move on. No skin off my back.


yup yup yup . exactly . we are products of our past . I prefer to ask before meeting so i wont doll up , eat lunch , spend time and realise my date failed my basic criteria . If I cant get straight answers why his marriage ended , I wont venture to find out . I dont want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure him out . :x 

I think matt and wolf just saw through my brains

LOL Now i wonder if I am a woman , to be understood by men instead LOL


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tripad said:


> Dont need to suppose . You just read my mind .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I just understand fellow cheated on folk! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Unless they hope to quickly establish that the other person is not a cheater?
> 
> And the earlier that's established the better, I suppose.


That can't possibly work. A cheater isn't going to come right out and say that's why their marriage ended. They are going to LIE.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yes that's a given .

But if I tell them my ex is dead beat and they would know they can't get a cent from me ? N they can't get me to house them ?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

As to whether they cheated or not , I thought a man who has custody would be telling that he didn't cheat ?


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

When I hear someone comparing an ex as a deadbeat, I think of 3 particular women. When the occasion arose they would go on about what their children's father's Don't do.

These women were bitter, angry and hurt (I could feel it). That's what I think when I hear my ex is a deadbeat. Some could see a woman still hurt by the ex, not ready to date.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

One man's opinion OP = 
some men will be put off quickly if they come to the conclusion that you are looking for someone to replace your ex's responsibility to raise and pay for his off spring. Many/most men will not want that responsibility or are only willing to pay a minimal amount to do so. So having a deadbeat ex, to them may mean that you want them for $. This is a tough road to hoe for anyone looking for a relationship and already having kids.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

So I should not tell my ex doesn't pay child support ?

So that I can get a bf . n I have to remember till my grave not to say that to my new bf or husband ?

Like I said I am self sufficient , without my ex .

But the truth is he doesn't pay .


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't have a problem with you telling the truth. If you only say your ex was a deadbeat, then it could be taken that you are looking for someone to pay for you.

You should probably explain a bit more.

My ex was out of work for a long time.
I have a decent career and was paying for everything.

Sure you might end up with a scammer that thinks you will pay his way, but you could end up with that no matter how you explain why your marriage ended. Don't tell them that you are rich or they might try to use you. But don't tell them you are poor and need someone to look after you either.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

How's this . let's pretend this

Man : why divorce ?

Me : My ex doesn't support the family ( actually I had to pay his debts off n he hits me ! He begged me . ) and I have a job and I am doing fine with my kids . 

Man : where do you stay 

Me : at xxxxx

Man : ( this guy said this ) I was thrown out of gf house as I wasn't given a room but only to share her bed . 

Me : :fearful::fearful::fearful:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If I am ever single again, I don't want to deal with ex drama so if there are hints that things are rocky and not figured out between a potential partner and his ex, I'd walk.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> How's this . let's pretend this
> 
> Man : why divorce ?
> 
> ...



Have you been to a counselor?


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If I am ever single again, I don't want to deal with ex drama so if there are hints that things are rocky and not figured out between a potential partner and his ex, I'd walk.



Agreed.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

tripad said:


> So I should not tell my ex doesn't pay child support ?
> 
> So that I can get a bf . n I have to remember till my grave not to say that to my new bf or husband ?
> 
> ...


I think this is in response to me.

I would, at some point, tell your BF (whom I am assuming you want to marry or move in with) that A) your ex is dead beat B) we have minimal drama (or contact or whatever) and C) that you are self sufficient. The timing is up to you and I would say nothing until you are ready to give the whole story.

The message that needs to come across when you get to the exclusive stage, imo, is that you are not looking at your BF to pick up the slack from your deadbeat ex. I think that the assumption that a BF may make is that you are looking for someone to make up for your deadbeat. You need to address that at some point, prior to getting remarried.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

saw marriage counsellor .

said my ex has personality problems . suggested psychiatrist .

divorce happens .

saw my counsellor . she said I seemed strong and coping fine . may not be necessary to see her unless i want to talk .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> Agreed.


looks like I cant have a bf

:surprise::frown2:


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> I think this is in response to me.
> 
> I would, at some point, tell your BF (whom I am assuming you want to marry or move in with) that A) your ex is dead beat B) we have minimal drama (or contact or whatever) and C) that you are self sufficient. The timing is up to you and I would say nothing until you are ready to give the whole story.
> 
> The message that needs to come across when you get to the exclusive stage, imo, is that you are not looking at your BF to pick up the slack from your deadbeat ex. I think that the assumption that a BF may make is that you are looking for someone to make up for your deadbeat. You need to address that at some point, prior to getting remarried.


not dated anyone yet .

some wanted but i didnt pass them , they were interested in my panties , even over text LOL

some dropped me at the sound of deadbeat , without finding out if i am self sufficient .

now , there's a decent guy thusfar, text a little and i know the question will come up soon .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

No drama . No contact .

except I am pissed he doesn't pay to feed kids .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Good looking n self sufficient but tough to get a bf bcoz ex is dead beat !:scream:

Oh man ! 

No wonder some left without kids so they can have a life . 

But I rather take a single dad than a guy without his kids with him as I will wonder what he did to lose custody


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

tripad said:


> some dropped me at the sound of deadbeat , without finding out if i am self sufficient .
> 
> now , there's a decent guy thusfar, text a little and i know the question will come up soon .


Just a guess, the guy that dropped you when he found your ex was a deadbeat may have assumed you needed financial help and were planning on him being it. For your new beau, I would avoid any talk about deadbeat or finances until he needs to know. Pay some of your own way on dates if you want to show self sufficiency.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

The guy that dropped me was texting me in that few hours only n I wonder if he's a scammer who will ask me for money . It happened once .

He's a liar as he claims he was relocating to my country and starting a clinic here n hence he is here now . But what he doesn't know is i can see his distance away from me and that puts him out of my country but in the neighboring country . So , he is probably a scammer who thinks I am broke and has no money .

So I won't place too much value on him


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

tripad said:


> No drama . No contact .
> 
> except I am pissed he doesn't pay to feed kids .


Take some time, left over emotions are not good for new relationships and no one wants to hear you complain about your ex.

Keep it short. Ex and I don't have any contact. 
Leave the emotions out of it, it just sounds like drama and too much past seeping into the present.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tripad said:


> How's this . let's pretend this
> 
> Man : why divorce ?
> 
> ...


Sounds great. You said what was truthful and found out this guy isn't worth your time. Move on.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Paying for dates .

Not the first or second .

But the neighbor single dad who bought me coffee , I return him with homemade cookies .

Yes I don't like people to think that I need them to pay for me and hence they are entitled to perhaps sex . 

It's just me


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tripad said:


> Paying for dates .
> 
> Not the first or second .
> 
> ...


I must be old school (not just old).

If I was to start dating, I would have no problem paying for a first date. I would expect to. I also would not expect to have sex.

The best scenario for me would be to have a first date (pay or not pay). Have unbelievable chemistry and want to have sex the first date. But not have sex for a couple of more dates.

Sex should happen because of feelings. Shouldn't have anything to do with money. If the guy makes you feel like you owe him sex (for any reason) then you should dump him.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > Agreed.
> ...


Noooooo! 

Ask yourself, is my tactic of over sharing early on about how bad my ex is working? The answer is no.

I agree with another poster, once you see someone becoming more of a serious relationship that's when serious conversations should arise. 

Yes, your ultimate goal is to find the right man and a provider (who's nothing like your ex). That's usually why they're ex's, it didn't work and you want something different. 

I do think you are limiting yourself from potential suitors by giving the wrong message. The message I'd get early on is you want a replacement. If you haven't scored a date, it's scary to scare people off with a commitment that both people work towards, once knowing one another.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> The guy that dropped me was texting me in that few hours only n I wonder if he's a scammer who will ask me for money . It happened once .
> 
> He's a liar as he claims he was relocating to my country and starting a clinic here n hence he is here now . But what he doesn't know is i can see his distance away from me and that puts him out of my country but in the neighboring country . So , he is probably a scammer who thinks I am broke and has no money .
> 
> So I won't place too much value on him


That's a scam. When I was single I got the same message, from a man in another country. I didn't respond. You can wade those out of country men out.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Does your profile itself mention your ex? If so, I would take it out. You'll get better options coming in if your profile is good.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> Paying for dates .
> 
> Not the first or second .
> 
> ...


I think a man (especially if he asked for the date) should pay, at least on the first date. No, paying for dinner doesn't mean he paid to even catch first base lol. I wouldn't be opposed to splitting a bill with someone that Id rather not see again. I also think if he expects to go half on the bill and it's a first date, I wouldn't see him again.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> Shouldn't have anything to do with money. If the guy makes you feel like you owe him sex (for any reason) then you should dump him.


Of course I will . lol I will probably tell him to f off . 

But I would have wasted my time .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > New_Beginnings said:
> ...



Purpose is to scare off cheaters n scammers to know they can't get a penny or a room from me .

Ermmm , coming to realize I might scare a genuine man off .

But then again , if the man is so easily scare off with idea of feeding me , I am worried and wonder if he's for me . 

I'm no Prada n Gucci women .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Does your profile itself mention your ex? If so, I would take it out. You'll get better options coming in if your profile is good.


No mention of ex

Just stated I am not for casual encounters or fwb 

Still I get them


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > Paying for dates .
> ...


Yup 

Ask me to pay first n second date 

Game over . next


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > tripad said:
> ...



No Prada n Gucci woman here either lol. I wouldn't be capable of telling a knock off as well. :X 

I'm not in your position but I have thought about anything and everything that could possibly go wrong in my marriage ect. 

I always said to myself, I wouldn't want my children to meet just some guy I'm dating. I would have to be serious (getting engaged) before bringing a man around. I would want to know a little bit about a man before discussing my children and or what failed in my previous relationship. I wouldn't openly discuss with someone that signs light up saying "move on". 

You really don't have to come out and say "hey you're not getting a room or a dime by dating me". Any real man wouldn't want that from you and just wants to know about you. I would save some thoughts for your counselor and some out of the Pools of dating. 

It's also pretty easy to get labeled with a good head on your shoulders and managing well (by your counselor), being a domestic violence survivor. I was told the same thing in counseling. I do understand the brokenness and self confidence that needs to be rebuilt by physical, mental and verbal abuse.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

tripad said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > tripad said:
> ...



Good for you!  I'm with you on this.


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