# Moving out of marital bed.



## Florida_rosbif

Was just perusing another thread, women in sexless marriages (I think), and read some words by John117, "I just completed a month of in-house separation due to the cat. Three more to go. Common wisdom says to never try to move out of the bedroom in such cases. Yet I've managed to create a post divorce simulation and absolutely love it."

It got me thinking (even if I didn't understand the "due to the cat" bit!). In a nutshell, my wife had an affair and due to circumstances and children we are still together, albeit due to my decision to not initiate anymore we sleep in the same bed but nothing happens there other than her sleeping and me trying to sleep!

I have noticed that when either of us travel and find I myself sleeping in a nice, BIG and cold double bed where I can finally spread out, I sleep better. I can lie back and have a leisurely wank (rather than hiding in the shower), read as late as I fancy, do the manic starfish and spread out in the middle of the bed and somehow it feels like freedom and decadence.

Now that my eldest has moved out I am seriously considering sleeping in his room instead. There's a double bed, why not? The issues stopping me are:

- this will no doubt be a weird signal to the kids, but I guess I can tell them that I sleep better.
- I suspect that my wife will crack and refuse the "living like roommates for the sake of the kids" idiocy that I have resigned myself to, provoking change that might not be the best thing at the moment.

Would be interested to hear the perspectives of others who have considered or made the same move.


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## CH

Why not just divorce and move on with your life? Gonna cost too much to get rid of her?


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## sokillme

If your wife had an affair why don't you just leave her, then you can move on to someone better. What is the benefit to staying together? I suspect this will backfire and she may even like it. Or see it as a sign she can cheat again.


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## bandit.45

Sounds like she never showed you any proper remorse. So your love withered on the vine.


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## Blondilocks

Sleep in the kid's room. You're not sleeping well and sleep is important. All the explanation anyone needs. I trust you're not really sleeping in a double bed as those are really too small for two and too short for most men.


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## sixty-eight

Blondilocks said:


> Sleep in the kid's room. You're not sleeping well and sleep is important. All the explanation anyone needs. I trust you're not really sleeping in a double bed as those are really too small for two and too short for most men.


:iagree:
I slept so much better after I moved out of mine and my ex's room.
Sleep is very important, and having my own space was critical to my sanity in a loveless/sexless marriage.


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## Satya

Get your sleep. 
Sleep is very crucial to your health. 

It's worth more I would think than faking to your kids that you still have a marriage. If they don't know the truth already, they will know eventually. 

Just be aware that everything you do, everything your wife does, your children absorb and code it into their internal "this is what marriage is in my home" program. So, how you live will greatly affect the lens with which they see the world.


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## EllaSuaveterre

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. I'm an insomniac, so my husband and I often sleep in separate beds simply due to the fact that I'd rather lie in bed with the light on reading or something when he's trying to sleep. Sleep really is important, and it's not that strange to have separate sleeping quarters. Perhaps if you'd try at least to recover and reconcile from the affair, you may be able to initiate sex again. I know it's so easy for me to say that and so very, very difficult to try to do, but you said she "_had_ an affair" so this implies it's no longer going on and she's gone no contact with her paramour. Has she told you everything? Have you asked her for a timeline of the events of the affair? Have you asked her to read literature on recovering from affairs such as "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"? Have you yourself read books focused on facilitating your own healing as a betrayed spouse? 

Any one of those suggestions would be a perfect place to start.


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## Betrayedone

I should have kicked my ex out of the house the very first evening she decided to sleep in my son's room. That was the beginning of the end. If you do that, be prepared for things to unravel. OK, if that's what you want.


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## jld

FR, I think you said in your thread that she had her reasons for having the affair, correct? Not that affairs are ever right, because deceiving a partner never is. 

But to start the healing, you could be the leader. You could look honestly at her reasons and address them with empathy. That sort of compassion could crack her shell of defensiveness, and allow her to reach out to you in empathy, too. Compassionate understanding can be very powerful.


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## MattMatt

1) Is her affair over?
2) Is there any chance of reconciliation?
3) If the answer to either of the above questions is "no" then divorce might be your best friend.


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## EnthusiasticWife

Hi, 

I'm really interested in hearing what are your 'plans' for the future? Can you see you and your wife being intimate again? Do you want to save your marriage? 

If not, I would probably consider divorce. It's a big step, that's why I'm saying consider but if there's no future, aren't you simply wasting time?


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## arbitrator

*If she has unremorsefully cheated on you, then, IMHO, you'd be far better off by moving out of the house!

I know that after both my XW cheated, and when my RSXW asked me to leave, I absolutely could not sleep under the same roof with them!

Be assured that your rest and your health should be priority one!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Florida_rosbif

Bandit kind of nailed it, no real remorse on her part and me being a pig headed old **** who can't see why I should be the one trying to repair what she broke. Don't know if it can be fixed anyway, once the trust is gone the world is a different place.

Anyway, thanks for replies. Betrayedone, I suspect that you're right and me making such a move will provoke change when I'm not actively looking for it. **** though it is, I am prepared to live like a monk for a while to see my kids and my dogs everyday. Who knows, in the meantime maybe my industry will finally recover and well paid work will be a possibility again?


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## john117

Let me explain the cat part. The cat is a 22+lb Maine ****, whose mommy (my older daughter) is in Europe for the semester. We got him as a kitten at 15 weeks and he's very people oriented. He needs to sleep with a sleeping buddy . Since we live in a fairly large house, we can't have the cat roaming at night so one bedroom suite on the ground floor has been turned into the cat suite. So I sleep there.

I would sleep better but I usually go to bed at 12-1230 and wake up at 630, but the cat sleeps well 1230-500 then wakes up for food or to check out wildlife from the window. So I wake up...


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## Blondilocks

Talk to your wife about it. Phrase it that you are worried that your sleeplessness will affect her and you don't want to rob her of her sleep. Do you think that she realizes that you're just pretending to be reconciling? In any event, she may enjoy having the bed to herself. Of course, it would help if you started complaining in the mornings about your rotten night. Keep it up until she says "Oh, for heaven's sake. Just sleep in the kid's room." Get her buy-in.


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## bandit.45

Blondilocks said:


> Talk to your wife about it. Phrase it that you are worried that your sleeplessness will affect her and you don't want to rob her of her sleep. Do you think that she realizes that you're just pretending to be reconciling? In any event, she may enjoy having the bed to herself. Of course, it would help if you started complaining in the mornings about your rotten night. Keep it up until she says "Oh, for heaven's sake. Just sleep in the kid's room." Get her buy-in.


Tell her if the two of you sleep separately she will have her privacy and she can sext her boyfriends and get herself off without you there mucking it up for her.


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## Tron

bandit.45 said:


> Tell her if the two of you sleep separately she will have her privacy and she can sext her boyfriends and get herself off without you there mucking it up for her.


I don't think she has come to the full realization yet that she destroyed the marriage with the affair. Right now she can still pretend, like a typical Frenchy, that what she did wasn't that bad, that everyone does it and it is all ok.

FR is probably right that if he moves out of the BR she won't be able to pretend any longer and her selfish ways will take over to put the final nail in the coffin and get the D going. The other alternative, which may be even worse, is that she moves on to another AP. 

Have you had any further discussions with her, FR?


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## GusPolinski

Do it.

Who cares if it prompts her to file for divorce? That needs to happen anyway.

Hell, beat her to the punch and file yourself. That way you're not at the mercy of her fleeting whims.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

Tron said:


> I don't think she has come to the full realization yet that she destroyed the marriage with the affair. *Right now she can still pretend, like a typical Frenchy, that what she did wasn't that bad, that everyone does it and it is all ok.*
> 
> FR is probably right that if he moves out of the BR she won't be able to pretend any longer and her selfish ways will take over to put the final nail in the coffin and get the D going. The other alternative, which may be even worse, is that she moves on to another AP.
> 
> Have you had any further discussions with her, FR?


:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157

Tron said:


> I don't think she has come to the full realization yet that she destroyed the marriage with the affair. Right now she can still pretend, like a typical Frenchy, that what she did wasn't that bad, that everyone does it and it is all ok.


Yeah, I know what you mean, my wife has Frenchy moments to that wrecking the family wasn't that bad, we'll all be ok no matter what she does.


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## manfromlamancha

Florida Rosbif, I am acquainted with your story as you know.

I am confused though about your statement where you say: *I suspect that my wife will crack and refuse the "living like roommates for the sake of the kids" idiocy that I have resigned myself to, provoking change that might not be the best thing at the moment.*

Your wife surely knows this to be true anyway. You have not told her that you have reconciled and you have not told her that you forgive her. You don't have sex with her and from what I understand hardly speak to her. What else would she be thinking right now?

So if she knows this to be true then why would she "unravel" at you physically moving to another room ?

As you said she slept with the other guy because she felt like it and still doesn't think that she did anything wrong - as it seemed to be quite common in her family. Since there is no remorse and there is no way for you to be the "leader" or "stand up man" or whatever. 

I understand sticking around for your kids but eventually it will wear you down and you may have to stick around to witness her do this again (and maybe again and again). Why put yourself (and subsequently your kids) through this ? Not healthy.


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## ABHale

Just wondering, what are you wanting out of this?

Is she still cheating on her business trips?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Florida_rosbif

Missed all these responses on this thread, sorry! 

Haven't discussed the issue yet, a few things ongoing including my son coming home from uni for a few days (so he need his room!) and me travelling. But she knows that I have huge difficulties sleeping and asked what was keeping me awake. I told her that, though she might consider the whole affair to be in the past, for me it's still very much in the present and that I think about it numerous times every day and am still staggering along like a trauma patient. Her reply was that I should go back to IC, maybe a wise observation, but I'm not keen. I felt that IC was OK as I talk easily about things, but talk all you want you can't undo what's been done!

As for divorce, I suspect that it will end that way, but at the moment I see my kids and dogs every day. Changing the current status quo, **** though it is, will end up with me living at least half the time alone in a place I hate, so it just doesn't feel like progress. Yes, the idea of being free to meet other women and stop living like a monk is extremely tempting, but at what cost?

Anyway, will continue to prevaricate and see if any clear way out of this trap becomes apparent.


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## caruso

john117 said:


> Let me explain the cat part. The cat is a 22+lb Maine ****, whose mommy (my older daughter) is in Europe for the semester. We got him as a kitten at 15 weeks and he's very people oriented. He needs to sleep with a sleeping buddy . Since we live in a fairly large house, we can't have the cat roaming at night so one bedroom suite on the ground floor has been turned into the cat suite. So I sleep there.


This is beyond ridiculous. Who cares what the cat wants, it's a freaking CAT. You don't want it roaming, lock it in an unused room and go sleep with your wife.

As far as the Op goes. She cheated, she has little to no remorse, there's a question that she still may be cheating, is that right? Why not tell HER to move into another room.

Grow a set man. She'll respect you for it. I promise.


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## john117

caruso said:


> This is beyond ridiculous. Who cares what the cat wants, it's a freaking CAT. You don't want it roaming, lock it in an unused room and go sleep with your wife.


Sleeping with the cat is considerably preferable to sleeping with the wife


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## caruso

john117 said:


> Sleeping with the cat is considerably preferable to sleeping with the wife


Then what's the point of being married? Why don't we just all go out and get cats.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

caruso said:


> Then what's the point of being married? Why don't we just all go out and get cats.


Well, it's tempting.


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## john117

caruso said:


> Then what's the point of being married? Why don't we just all go out and get cats.


My cat doesn't make six figures and his cooking skills are limited to Hills Science Diet...


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## JohnA

Why where you traveling?

Is your son attending school in the US? Earlier you mentioned he want to go to school in Europe.


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## Thor

Your kids already know the state of your marriage. They may or may not know much about your sex lives, but they know the marriage is sterile and cold. They see it in how things are outside the bedroom. Even if you are polite and cooperative, you are not warm and loving. They see that.

Move into the other bedroom if you want. It won't shock the kids.

I have 2 friends who are in that situation right now. Both are Mormons so I don't think divorce is on the horizon, at least not for one of them. The other is 50/50 if they'll divorce. But their kids are all fine about the separate bedrooms.

The character Polonius from the play "Hamlet" sums it up best:
“This above all: to thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man"


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## Thor

Florida_rosbif said:


> But she knows that I have huge difficulties sleeping and asked what was keeping me awake. I told her that, though she might consider the whole affair to be in the past, for me it's still very much in the present and that I think about it numerous times every day and am still staggering along like a trauma patient. Her reply was that I should go back to IC


So according to her, you're the crazy dysfunctional one. You have some kind of mental problem requiring therapy. Hmm, do you see that she has pathologized you? She is calling you mentally screwed up. This is abuse.

Even if therapy would be helpful given the stress of the situation and the family dynamics issues, it doesn't change the fact she has used an abusive technique to control you. She's keeping you suppressed. This is gas-lighting times 1,000.



Florida_rosbif said:


> As for divorce, I suspect that it will end that way, but at the moment I see my kids and dogs every day. Changing the current status quo, **** though it is, will end up with me living at least half the time alone in a place I hate, so it just doesn't feel like progress.


For the record, I miss my dogs hugely more than I miss stbxw! There is no reason you can't have dog custody as part of your separation/divorce when you move out. You will have much better quality of time with your kids even if it is less quantity. And you'll stop teaching them how to have a terrible marriage. Staying in the bad marriage models all the wrong behaviors for your kids. They need to see healthy relationships even if you're divorced from their mom.

Try to approach where you move to as a positive. Find something positive about it. Make it a trek towards something rather than like being sent to jail. It is a step towards something, perhaps a great future relationship. It is a step towards independence, towards freedom. At some point you will realize you can literally live anywhere on the planet you desire! Yes you'll want to be near your kids, because that is a positive priority for you. But you get to choose the priorities and make this what you want.


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## caruso

Florida_rosbif said:


> Changing the current status quo, **** though it is, will end up with me living at least half the time alone in a place I hate, so it just doesn't feel like progress.


Getting your own place and moving towards divorce may not feel like progress, but sometimes you gotta go backwards in order to move forward.


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## CooperSan

Relationship is a tough job. In order to maintain the warmth and soul connection in a family, there is a need of permanent communication, beautiful surprises, romantic dinners, good sex. I would do everything to raise the initial passion to save the family.


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## anchorwatch

CooperSan said:


> Relationship is a tough job. In order to maintain the warmth and soul connection in a family, there is a need of permanent communication, beautiful surprises, romantic dinners, good sex. I would do everything to raise the initial passion to save the family.


I think you should read @Florida_rosbif past post. There are situations and circumstances in relationships that can not be solved by just what you suggest. 

Best


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Zombie thread


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