# Well Here We Go Again.......



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I have been here a long time......First as someone seeking help during my gut wrenching divorce, then popped into the the bright light of happiness on the back end with a woman who I thought had great prospects. Well, it's taken 4 1/2 years but I think I'm ready to pull the plug on this relationship. She pings on me for lowering the thermostat by 2 degrees because her house is so hot upstairs I just can't stand it and what really bothers me is that she makes such a huge deal of it and wants to wake me up early to talk about it. I REALLY need my peaceful sleep after 4 days of beating my brains out on the stressful road and I AM IN NO MOOD FOR SUCH TRIVIAL BULL****. Every minor infraction seems to require a level 3 deep discussion which really doesn't solve anything. I am like a Chihuahua in the back window of a cholo mobile bobbing my head up and down just wanting to get over this bull**** so we can move on. These are really small issues but she likes to escalate them to biblical proportions and I just can't do drama. She has many wonderful qualities that I really enjoy but she just gets hung up on this chicken ****. You know what's different about this breakup over my previous 24 year marriage? I kept a certain level of distance. I protected myself and my sense of worth. I never let anyone else control my sense of self worth. Much less pain this way. So ladies, if you know any quality women who likes old guys.......send 'em my way.......!


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

ugh, sorry to hear it buddy, but your Chihuahua analogy cracked me up! 

I have certainly learned, in my relationship at least, ya really got to pick your battles.

It's like the dirty socks on the floor, am I thrilled to pick them up every day? No, but causing a fight over them is WAY MORE effort, angish, bad feelings, just all sorts of BS, and it's really much easier to toss them in the hamper and not get my knickers in a twist over it. Just not worth it.

Sounds like she has never learned to "pick her battles". Little s**** Iike that can really sour a relationship.

We all need to learn to not sweat the small stuff.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I shouldnthave said:


> ugh, sorry to hear it buddy, but your Chihuahua analogy cracked me up!
> 
> I have certainly learned, in my relationship at least, ya really got to pick your battles.
> 
> ...


And you know, at my age, one should really be wise to this stuff......If you seek perfection, one must be perfect to demand the same........I cook.....I clean.....I fix everything at 3 homes.....I provide support........That's when I'm not flying 600 peeps a day to their destination......Can't a brother get a little peace? Or piece? JK.....


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yep, that sounds annoying.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
They will be annoying in some other way...


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Yep, that sounds annoying.
> There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
> They will be annoying in some other way...


Oh Lord, please no......


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Drama. Not what you want in your life? You know the answer.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> Oh Lord, please no......


I dunno. I think to not be annoyed some by other people I would need to never be near other people. Everyone has annoying aspects of their personalities, don't they? Or do I just know irritating people?!? :surprise:

I'm happy with H 95% of the time. The rest of the time he is freaking annoying me. But he annoys me less than most people so I married him hahaha. I don't even want to hear the percentage of time I annoy HIM!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I dunno. I think to not be annoyed some by other people I would need to never be near other people. Everyone has annoying aspects of their personalities, don't they? Or do I just know irritating people?!? :surprise:
> 
> I'm happy with H 95% of the time. The rest of the time he is freaking annoying me. But he annoys me less than most people so I married him hahaha. I don't even want to hear the percentage of time I annoy HIM!


That seems to be a common theme among married people....I don't know any one of them who doesn't aggravate their significant other at some level. It's how you CHANNEL that aggravation and de-fuse it that's important. Simply, people that do that well are successful at keeping it together. I can't believe we have arguments about such minuscule chicken ****. Drives me batty and is just a terrible waste of time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's a waste of time and energy but lots of people thrive on that sort of thing. Maybe she's one who does. 

What does she say when you discuss it with her?


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

It's not always what we do, but how we do it that matters. It's that communication thing. What if you ask to turn down the air? Grovel a little bit.

I live in a flying community and my dad was a pilot. It's an interesting dynamic that you hook up with someone independent enough to be ok with staying at home for days at a time and then want to be in charge when you come home. She's got a thing going all week, then you sweep in and change things up. You do all that stuff and make money, but are you really being considerate of her? It's the small stuff that does matter, if it says I care or you are such a pain in the ass.

She might just nag. My XMIL did and I would never want to live with someone like that. Did it take 4 years to find that out?

Maybe step back and tell her all about her wonderful qualities. Tell her you want to be someone she's glad to see coming, not happy to see leaving. And be that man. 

You've got to be a little bit of arrogant to be confident enough to haul those folks around. She likes that. But she wants to know that you think the things in her little world are important too.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Yes, it's a waste of time and energy but lots of people thrive on that sort of thing. Maybe she's one who does.
> 
> What does she say when you discuss it with her?


"I don't feel like I'm being heard", or, "I don't feel like I matter." See, here's what I know for sure.......Her departed husband was kind of a pushover type who struggled to find himself in terms of occupation so my partner took the leadership role in the relationship. IT IS THIS ISSUE that I feel is causing us issues. BELIEVE ME, in terms of our relationship, I am not a total control freak. I am in control for soooo much of any given day at work that when I get home I am HAPPY to abdicate a great deal of decision making to her as much of what we do/discuss doesn't seem to bother me one way or another. I'm super easy going I would say. I feel that she has lots of input when we are together. I don't feel as the lowering of the thermostat is the issue.....it's triggers some level of insecurity or control issue in her.
.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like more of a control issue than an insecurity issue although certainly it could be both. 

Apparently she's used to running the show and wants thimgs her way. Any challenge to that -- no matter how minor -- is seen as you not hearing her, etc. 

Hold off on that ring.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I don't feel like I'm being heard. I totally nailed it with my response and you don't acknowledge that. Haha!

Have to recommend The 5 Love Languages now. Sounds like you're speaking different languages, where neither of you truly feels appreciated. I so know how that goes. Or just dump her and move on to the next experiment


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

KrisAmiss said:


> I don't feel like I'm being heard. I totally nailed it with my response and you don't acknowledge that. Haha!
> 
> Have to recommend The 5 Love Languages now. Sounds like you're speaking different languages, where neither of you truly feels appreciated. I so know how that goes. Or just dump her and move on to the next experiment


We did the 5 love languages at the very beginning. It was helpful at the time. Don't know how this is going to play out. She's mad at me so she didn't come over this weekend. Silent treatment , too. I'm making enchiladas and chicken soup with my daughter home from med school.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Where's that glass by the sink guy? I think he's a member.

Minor annoyances like these are symptomatic of a higher-level grievance. One spouse does something mildly irritating over and over again, socks on the floor instead of the hamper for example, and the other spouse slowly accumulates the sense that their partner doesn't care how that makes them feel. The sock-thrower may feel "aw, I love it when my spouse picks up after me, they really look after me" while the other person is thinking "if I have to pick up those **** socks one more ******* time, I'm outta here!" The sock picker-upper feels that their partner is inconsiderate or lazy, makes more work for them, and doesn't care about their feelings. The longer it goes on, the more this sense of inconsiderate corrupts the rest of the relationship.

It doesn't matter what form it takes. Thermostat fights are probably a common classic. One partner likes the house at 19, while the other likes it at 23. There is no such thing as middle ground. Neither of them is comfortable at 21. One might say keep it lower, because the HT partner can always put on another layer, and the LT partner only has so many to remove, but then the HT partner slowly gets fed up with being the only one to have to compromise, and the LT partner starts wondering why their spouse never dresses in anything revealing anymore. Soon, they are both irritated at the other because neither is comfortable.

Caveat: I don't know what those temperatures are in Fahrenheit. I don't even know how to spell Fahrenheit without the spellchecker helping me.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Oh I totally get it.....The hard part is figuring out the solution that works. One thing I failed to mention that she is generally COLD in between hot flashes and I tend to run very hot and am always seeking coolness. So we have that going for us.


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