# Depressed husband I need help



## BlackBetty05 (Apr 18, 2013)

This is going to be very long, I apologize in advance. 
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. We have a 5 month old daughter and I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant again. For the last 5 weeks, my husband has had to work the night shift, which is anywhere from 4 PM until as late as 2 AM. He started going to a bar after work, claiming it was the only place open after work where he could get food. I believed him- for a while. Last weekend he told me he is unhappy with his life, he does not love me anymore and wants to be alone. He took all of his things and left me and the baby. Every night since then he has been at the bar until 3 AM with a bunch of strangers he met there who are nothing but trouble. I even found out he exchanged numbers with a girl, who he says he talks about music with. She knows he is married and is barely 21, she is just trying to cause problems. He has always drank alcohol, but not this extreme. He will text me and be horribly degrading and just downright evil with what he says to me. Not to mention his temper is out of control when he is drunk. He is also turning into a compulsive liar, even the littlest things turn into a lie. I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do. We decided yesterday to take a break for the next few weeks and to gradually start talking again. We've made small talk but nothing like before. He has had a very rough childhood, growing up with an alcoholic for a mother and a father who abandoned him at a young age. He grew up around chaos and I think as he's getting older, it's starting to take its toll. He is a loving father to our daughter and until recently was a loving husband to me. I believe he is also bi-polar in addition to the depression. He said he is going to contact a therapist and make an appointment, but he doesn't believe in taking meds and to quote him "being doped up on pills". He thinks that he doesn't deserve to be happy and that he is broken, unable to be fixed. He has a fear of abandonment and as a result of an argument last year, is afraid that I'm always going to leave him. Last year, I think my pregnancy triggered something and he started acting out, putting ads on Craigslist and exchanging numbers and pictures with women. He says he did it to escape his life and to be a different person because he hates himself. A year later, we were finally over it- until last weekend. I don't know if there is anything I can do, as he won't listen to anything I have to say or believe me when I tell him I love him and he means the world to me. Any advice on what to do or say to help him get better is appreciated. Thanks. 

- Black Betty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So, you are hoping to hear advice and suggestions that will give you the tools to make his depression go away, his tendency to abandon go away, his drinking end, his attempts at living a life of a single man stop, and cause him to desire to be a responsible loving husband and father?

What exactly do you want? What is your minimum standard of behavior for a husband and the father of your children? Whats the lowest standard of behavior you are willing and able to put up with?

Spend some time thinking about those answers because at some point you are going to HAVE to draw a line that will end the marriage if he crosses it.

But lets clear some things up first.

1. Medication for depression doesn't "dope" a person up. Your H's excuse is pure myth.
2. Alcohol alters behavior a HELL of a lot more than anti-depressants, so your H's logic is flawed. Why is it okay to drink booze but not take medication?
3. Abandonment issues do not cause one to abandon, they cause one to fear abandonment. So, if he is abandoning you, why are you reassuring him you still love him? Sounds like you're the one with abandonment issues and he's the one who lacks the ability to connect and commit.
4. He makes a LOT of excuses for his behavior...none of which make any sense at all. If he doesn't deserve to be happy, then why is he having a grand time at the bars and meeting younger women? Sounds like a quest for happiness to me.
5. You make a lot of excuses for his behavior too. Your pregnancy didn't trigger anything other than his fear of responsibility.

He may be Bi polar, he may be depressed. He also might be an ass! But obviously he's a love able ass otherwise you wouldn't love him.

Mental health is not the avenue to pursue in order to get what you want from him. Your boundaries will make or break this relationship. You either continue reasoning, begging, asking, complaining, chasing, demanding, hunting, arguing...and nothing will change at all. Or, you tell him his lives in his home with his wife and children or he divorces and pays monthly to support the family he committed to and created! Either case, you tuna high risk of losing him for good. But if you put your foot down, you have a chance of waking him up. Also, losing him will be faster giving you less heartache and worry, allowing you to move on with your life and make a better choice.


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

I wasn't going to respond but I feel like I have to put my two cents into this...
My situation has been somewhat like this. I am married to an alcoholic. A long time alcoholic. We do not have children together but we do have children to our first marriages and all but one live here with us. 
I feel compelled to tell you that the only way things will change is if he wants them to and if something drastic happens that gives him time away from alcohol and any other possible addictions he may have that are not of good influence on family and marriage. I can give you an example of what I am saying. 
One evening my husband came home from work and as usual he was drinking and after several hours out of nowhere he had an outburst, one like I have never seen or understood from him. He was like some crazy person, threatening to kill me, (repeatedly) and stabbed multiple things with the steak knife he was using to cut his steak. Crazy but he ended up in our bedroom locking the door behind him. He beat on the door when I asked to get some of my clothes and he again threatened to kill me. He was way drunk. I ended up calling the police, not because I really wanted to but I didn't know what he would be capable of if he came out of the room. It was late and I had no where to go as I am no where near family of my own. Long story short, after spending a weekend in jail, sobering up, he realized that he didn't know what happened and couldn't understand why he was there, why his knuckles were bloody and open. etc. Upon his release to his mommy, he was to stay away from me and our home for awhile until we went to court, no drinking allowed in his system and ordered to anger mgmt. and counciling. We did end up talking as I needed to know what in heavens name happened that night and why? He was looking to me for the same answers. We learned through his councilor and doctor that he began having a series of blackouts. It doesn't excuse things, but he has not drank even after probation has been lifted. He sees his life differently now but he was in a serious state of drepression that caused his heavy drinking for many years. Like I'm telling you, it doesn't change until there is a definitive reason for change. They make excuses for what they are doing and someone who abuses alcohol is damn good at it. I also made excuses for him as do you. It is not a good place for you to be in or for your children who have the next 18 years to deal with this and put up with misery and believe it when I say it...IT WILL BE MISERABLE. Something has to change and it starts with him, if he doesn't want change, then it is up to you to make it happen for yourself and the children. I feel for you and the kids. I have been there for many years and if I had the power to go back and make changes, I would. We have been back together for the past year here in a few days since the incident but sometimes I wish I was strong enough to let him go back then. Best of luck.


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