# I've given up.....how do I move on?



## DestinyinTexas (Dec 29, 2014)

After 21 years of marriage and the last 4 being strained in our intimate life, I have finally got a reasonable answer from my husband about our intimate future and I would appreciate some advice on moving on.

A little background: I've been with him since i was 18, sex was fine up until four years ago when he had an online relationship. He preferred sexting to the rl thing and after 6 months without him touching me I started getting nasty. One way or another sex went from once a week to once or twice a YEAR.

Now it's been 8 months since the last time, the longest we've ever gone and I had a "sit down" with him about trying to find each other again. He tells me he knows he is hurting me but doesn't mean to and that he just can't face being intimate for his reasons (which doesn't matter. it's not why i'm writing this. I don't want any advice on why he doesn't want to have sex).

I am hurt. I feel rejected, unattractive and a bit worthless. Sex is such a huge need of mine and though I have considered looking for someone else on the side, which he doesn't care but, (i don't know if we will break up or not) it still bothers me that this part of our relationship is over. I find myself in tears thinking that I will never feel his embrace again. What irritates me the most is that he won't let go of the past and our troubles and give us a chance. I've spent my whole adult life with this man and I am more hurt that he has given up on something that's been a huge part of our life for so long. He even mentioned that if i was unhappy I could leave. 

I know that this isn't going to be fixed but I really need to know how to move on. I still want to kiss him, hug him and touch him. How do you just stop that after so long? Any thoughts?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DestinyinTexas said:


> I know that this isn't going to be fixed but I really need to know how to move on. I still want to kiss him, hug him and touch him. How do you just stop that after so long? Any thoughts?


Well, it seems as though HE has stopped it on his own already, so I think you just have to take it as it is.

He doesn't care if you get it somewhere else, and he even told you you can leave. What does that tell you? That he's no longer invested in the relationship.

With all due respect, you won't tell us what his issues are, so all we know about this is that your husband has no sexual interest in you anymore and doesn't mind if you go elsewhere or end the relationship (which directly translates to "he no longer loves you, period", I'm sorry to say) then you tell us that it's not fixable, and need advice on how to leave. HE has already left, he's just taking the coward's way out, making it so YOU end up being the bad guy who does the breaking up. If he truly feels the way you describe him feeling, he should have left 6 months ago, rather than making you sit there and agonize about it, and consequently asking advice from others on how to go about it.

The answer is, you just do. There's nothing there for you anymore, so why hang around? The hurt you'll feel by leaving and being on your own is lesser than the hurt of being around a person who has no interest in being around you, so you take the lesser of two evils.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I hate what I’m about to write even though you know it already:

_This relationship is dead._ 

Once one partner truly doesn't care whether the other leaves or not…it’s done.

And believe it or not, the fact that this relationship is DONE 
isn’t actually your problem---your REAL PROBLEM is that you don’t love yourself.

(This is actually ALMOST EVERY SINGLE PERSON’S fundamental problem…you’re just in a position right now where you ‘really feel’ your own lack of self-love )

You see… you “_still want to kiss him, hug him and touch him.”_ 

Because you want him to kiss, hug and touch *you back*

…because *if only* he would do that…*oh if only* he would _just do that_…it would make you feel so so LOVED…

And you feel so UNLOVED right now!! And you have for so long…

So what to do?

Well I’ll tell you…although I somehow doubt you’ll do it.

But I hope you do…because I know (without a doubt) that it would help you…

Right Now…accept that YOU yourself are the only person in *the whole wide world* that YOU have. 

The only person in the whole world that is capable of loving you. 

(this is probably not true of course…but…the thing is….deep down YOUR love for yourself is the only love that counts)

Note: I wholly admit that this is a very WEIRD and DIFFICULT thing to do. 

It doesn't come NATURALLY to us…(that’s why we all seek to feel love through *another’s* love for us…)

You’d probably find it helpful to go outside alone, in the still of the night, and look up at the sky and just try to contemplate loving yourself and why you are *fundamentally worth loving*…

I'm sure if you would just do this for a few minutes every evening…a few times a week…you would “get”…what I’m trying to tell you…far more easily


And one last thing…

_”I have considered looking for someone else on the side, which *he doesn't care* but, (*i don't know if we will break up or not*)”_


Know---if you ever succeed in truly *loving yourself*…you will literally LAUGH HYSTERICALLY when you look back at this thread and the fact that you currently ‘do no know if you two will break up or not’…

When you love yourself…the fact that you *MUST leave this relationship *will feel so obvious to you…and it will NOT hurt AT ALL. 

It will not feel difficult

Indeed you will know that it is the only decision possible. 


Again....I KNOW it does NOT feel like this to you now...

And you won't 'get there' without some work on your part...

We never get anything worthwhile without putting in worthwhile effort...

That's just the deal in Life...

I wish you the best of luck!!


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

IndiaInk said:


> I hate what I’m about to write even though you know it already:
> 
> _This relationship is dead._
> 
> ...


Thanks for writing this - kinda fits in with what I need to do with myself & my situation. I need to deal with myself first.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Thanks for writing this - kinda fits in with what I need to do with myself & my situation. I need to deal with myself first.


Well thank-you for appreciating it. 

That's what makes writing anything worthwhile...


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