# WS wrote a SUICIDE letter to me last night - HELP!!!



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I really need help. If infidelity wasn't enough, dear god now I also have a SUICIDE LETTER weighing on my heart. My WH wrote it last night in despair after I accused him of not telling me everything and repeatedly said I didn't believe him, that things didn't add up. Two nights ago I realized that it is incredibly unlikely for someone to go from no cheating to attempting to cheat with three women in one week - to contacting an escort, visiting a strip club and getting a strippers number, and hitting on a store clerk (and planning to go out) all in one week. I confronted him, though he has supposedly told me everything. I just needed to test him or to see if maybe there was more.

I did not expect this to all explode so horribly. This is not the first time he has mentioned himself being better off dead than alive since dday. But this is the first time it has gotten to a letter. I cried so much last night. I feel more insecure about life than ever before. I was getting better though he seems unable to deal with my deep depression and inability to trust him again. It's like if I can't move on, then he has no reason to live. It puts more pressure on me. I hate this life.

For more info on my case, here is a thread I started yesterday before he wrote the suicide letter:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67054-how-know-you-know-all.html

I'm reposting this under "suicide" because I REALLY need feedback from people, especially anyone who has experience with the WS threatening, contemplating, or acting on death wishes.

How do you cope with a suicidal WS? My husband can be impulsive - and it scares me. I would rather him cheat on me again then kill himself. I love him. I don't want to drive him to madness. But why did he have to ruin me and make me like this? Oh life is so unbearable right now. I skipped all my classes today. Lied that I am sick. I am not a liar, but really I am not going to share this messed up marital story with my professors or classmates. 

I want to go back in time. I want to be innocent and have a zest for life again. I want to love my husband so deeply and to not have to fear that he will hurt me or that he will hurt himself (which is the worst hurt he can do to me).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd suggest getting some professional help, not anonymous people on the Internet. Call a suicide hotline in your area, talk to a trained professional who will know what resources are available in your area.

C


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'd suggest getting some professional help, not anonymous people on the Internet. Call a suicide hotline in your area, talk to a trained professional who will know what resources are available in your area.
> 
> C


:iagree:


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

He doesn't speak English well enough to benefit from counseling. I learned his language, but I have been unsuccessful in finding psychological services in his language.

Leaves me more alone and more responsible for his life and the destruction he has waged on me. 

He also does not have much support here. His family live in another country. He does have a couple good friends but he is too ashamed to tell them about his wayward behavior.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> He doesn't speak English well enough to benefit from counseling. I learned his language, but I have been unsuccessful in finding psychological services in his language.
> 
> Leaves me more alone and more responsible for his life and the destruction he has waged on me.
> 
> He also does not have much support here. His family live in another country. He does have a couple good friends but he is too ashamed to tell them about his wayward behavior.


You call the hotline and tell them this. You're calling the hotline for yourself here, not for him.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Call a toll-free professional hotline.

Seeking help from us internet amatuers is not the way to go.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

I just want to let you know that a lot of Wayward Spouses threaten suicide as another way to control you, and they have no intention of following through. 

Very rarely does a cheater actually commit suicide. Google it and you'll see.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

My WW alluded to killing herself if I left her.

Cheaters are just plain f*cked in the head.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> I just want to let you know that a lot of Wayward Spouses threaten suicide as another way to control you, and they have no intention of following through.
> 
> Very rarely does a cheater actually commit suicide. Google it and you'll see.


There's a case in Wales at the moment. WW sent a suicide text. And she killed herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> There's a case in Wales at the moment. WW sent a suicide text. And she killed herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you ask his country's embassy to help with a translator,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> My WW alluded to killing herself if I left her.
> 
> *Cheaters are just plain f*cked in the head.*


Understatement of the day.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> There's a case in Wales at the moment. WW sent a suicide text. And she killed herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Now that's too bad, isn't it?


That's why I said "very rarely".


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Truth of the matter is this is a very controlling thing for someone to do. Regardless if they follow through or not. It's horrible and cowardly.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> There's a case in Wales at the moment. WW sent a suicide text. And she killed herself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just read about this a few minutes ago. You talking about the one where she got knocked up with the OM's child?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

triggerhappy said:


> Now that's too bad, isn't it?
> 
> 
> That's why I said "very rarely".


Yes, in fact, it is too bad. How can you be so self-righteous?

OP, don't go to the "He made his own bed" like some of the posters. Take everything he does with a pinch of salt. But that doesn't mean everything he does is evil. Help him get through this on his own. 

If you want to reconcile though, wait for the shock of the whole stuff go away to make sure you're not reconciling for the wrong reasons.(any reason except "you love him+he's very remorseful" is a wrong reason.)


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Truth of the matter is this is a very controlling thing for someone to do. Regardless if they follow through or not. It's horrible and cowardly.


:iagree: but we aren't counting on Waywards to be the poster childs of "thinking stuff thoroughly".


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I was once in a relationship with someone until he killed himself in our home...I can tell you that if he didn't do it immediately after writing that letter...it is likely that he isn't in a place mentally where he is ready to "go" just yet. 

Take it seriously, get him checked into a mental health hospital where he can be observed for a couple of days. They will figure out a way to communicate with him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, if you're truly concerned about your spouse's mental state, in many areas you can have him committed to make sure he's not a risk to himself. 

C


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Yes, in fact, it is too bad. How can you be so self-righteous?
> 
> OP, don't go to the "He made his own bed" like some of the posters. Take everything he does with a pinch of salt. But that doesn't mean everything he does is evil. Help him get through this on his own.
> 
> If you want to reconcile though, wait for the shock of the whole stuff go away to make sure you're not reconciling for the wrong reasons.(any reason except "you love him+he's very remorseful" is a wrong reason.)


It's not self-righteous. Perhaps _you_ are naive. Don't call people names if you don't want it back. 

It's a _proven fact_ that ws use that as one of the first weapons of control when they are caught. It serves her to be armed with this info. instead of her being led to feel guilty that it is somehow her responsibility to "save his life".


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree that this is very controlling behaviour. On the one hand.

However, he may well be clutching at straws. Because of his desperation and shame? 

I agreed with you in your 1st thread that what has happened as he tells it is unlikely. But, If he comes from a different culture, which one? You don't have to answer that. But it could mean something. If he is freer, has been hit with temptations that he has not come across before, has no real desensitisation to the temptations and repurcussions that are now an everyday thing in western society? Curiosity....and of course more than that? 

It is difficult to assess without knowing more about you two, but maybe his culture also has something to do with his shame and his wish to commit suicide due to the burden of guilt? Not only guilt for you and his relationship, but also more deep seated guilt for the kind of things he was looking into? To his family and his sense of self.

Of course, I am coming from the point of view that he is from a conservative and restricted culture as opposed to just another country with another language. 

Just thoughts....

If he is from a country of similar values and temptations, I would suggest he is being controlling, as opposed to the self flagellation that comes from shameful behaviour.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

triggerhappy said:


> It's not self-righteous. Perhaps _you_ are naive. Don't call people names if you don't want it back.
> 
> It's a _proven fact_ that ws use that as one of the first weapons of control when they are caught. It serves her to be armed with this info. instead of her being led to feel guilty that it is somehow her responsibility to "save his life".


Um, the woman who you said "That's too bad" about, killed herself after just two texts, sent both to the BH and the OM. So I don't think she was actually thinking, at all, about anything.

Look, there is a rule in psychiatry "Take every suicide talk seriously." That doesn't mean going after them and coddling them and babying them. It is a cry for help, even if it's ambivalent or manipulative.

And any way as a reconcilliation method, it is very counter productive, it would make anybody lose some degree of respect towards the person making a fake suicide attempt.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

My thoughts are he's trying to control you. But the stakes are too high to dismiss. 

Call the hotline now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I was once in a relationship with someone until he killed himself in our home...I can tell you that if he didn't do it immediately after writing that letter...it is likely that he isn't in a place mentally where he is ready to "go" just yet.
> 
> Take it seriously, get him checked into a mental health hospital where he can be observed for a couple of days. They will figure out a way to communicate with him.


:iagree:


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

totallyunexpected said:


> I really need help. If infidelity wasn't enough, dear god now I also have a SUICIDE LETTER weighing on my heart. My WH wrote it last night in despair after I accused him of not telling me everything and repeatedly said I didn't believe him, that things didn't add up. Two nights ago I realized that it is incredibly unlikely for someone to go from no cheating to attempting to cheat with three women in one week - to contacting an escort, visiting a strip club and getting a strippers number, and hitting on a store clerk (and planning to go out) all in one week. I confronted him, though he has supposedly told me everything. I just needed to test him or to see if maybe there was more.
> 
> I did not expect this to all explode so horribly. This is not the first time he has mentioned himself being better off dead than alive since dday. But this is the first time it has gotten to a letter. I cried so much last night. I feel more insecure about life than ever before. I was getting better though he seems unable to deal with my deep depression and inability to trust him again. It's like if I can't move on, then he has no reason to live. It puts more pressure on me. I hate this life.
> 
> ...


 If you are concerned that your husband may harm himself, call the police immediately. 

My thought is that he is attempting a drama play to control you, but you should never downplay a suicide ideation. If he's truly suicidal, your call will get him the help he needs. If he's trying to manipulate you, having the police at his door will stop his suicide claims in the future. 

I would suggest you demand a polygraph exam to determine the truth of his affair after he gets over his drama play and realizes that you will not be manipulated. Sounds like there's more you don't know about - that he doesn't WANT you to know about.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> I just read about this a few minutes ago. You talking about the one where she got knocked up with the OM's child?


Yes, that's the case. So very sad.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> It's not self-righteous. Perhaps _you_ are naive. Don't call people names if you don't want it back.
> 
> It's a _proven fact_ that ws use that as one of the first weapons of control when they are caught. It serves her to be armed with this info. instead of her being led to feel guilty that it is somehow her responsibility to "save his life".


Proven fact? Really? Every WS? Proven by whom?:scratchhead:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

The only way to handle it is to turn it over to professionals. If he is bluffing, after a 72 hour check over in a mental hospital, he won't cry wolf again. If he is serious, he gets the help he needs. Win win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

triggerhappy said:


> Now that's too bad, isn't it?
> 
> 
> That's why I said "very rarely".


I am sure you did not *mean* that to sound so callous. What with her heart-broken husband and her bereft little boy.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Huuva said:


> What is WS stand for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wayward spouse aka the cheater.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Huuva said:


> What is WS stand for?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It means Wayward Spouse.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Proven fact? Really? Every WS? Proven by whom?:scratchhead:



Where did I say _every_? I said it was _common behavior_ after a cheater has been caught or fesses up to threaten suicide. 


You really have never read that tactic before, and often? 

2 exes of mine threatened suicide after being caught. 

Here is one on TAM
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/37553-hubby-threatening-suicide.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/49133-threatening-suicide.html


google
Should I leave my cheating husband, who is threatening suicide? - DN2 - nation.co.ke

What to do when husband threatens suicide? - Yahoo! Answers

I Want To Leave My Husband But He Keeps Threatening Suicide If I Do

Should I leave my cheating husband, who is threatening suicide? - Kenya Online

Warning Signs Of A Controlling Husband | LIVESTRONG.COM

Threatened suicide as manipulation tool? [Archive] - Prison Talk

7 Tips on How to Break Up With Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide

When Your Boyfriend Threatens to Kill Himself If You Leave Him : Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships

My wife is threatening me that she will commit suicide..? - Yahoo! Answers

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=675681

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/messages.asp?topicid=51758&section=00010001000800210001


Those are just some examples. Google it yourself. Common.


She should by all means have him committed. He's sick either way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way, just so as we are clear on this point, Yahoo Answers and the like are not proven facts.

Whilst a number of such cases do exist, there are a number of cases where people do go on to commit suicide. 

It's not worth the risk, in my opinion.

As I pointed out he needs some form of intervention.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

Yahoo answers may not be the authority on the subject, but the fact stands that people on it claim their WS to threaten suicide as well. That's the only point I was trying to make.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> By the way, just so as we are clear on this point, Yahoo Answers and the like are not proven facts.
> 
> Whilst a number of such cases do exist, there are a number of cases where people do go on to commit suicide.
> 
> ...


Which is what people are saying. Report him and professionals will handle. In Canada a JP can commit someone for 72 hours for psych evaluation. If he doesn't speak the language, they will arrange translators. If he needs help, he'll get it. If he's bluffing, a 72 hour psych evaluation isn't a picnic and he won't attempt that manipulation again. Whether serious or not, doesn't mean it's OP's responsibility to bow down to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Whether he means it or not, this is a despicable human for placing the burden on you!! Was he wanting to die when sleeping around and ruining his marriage? Anyways, consider calling the local PD and asking for the social worker. If not available, tell them its urgent and to page the on-call social worker. The social worker will assist you with the petition to hold hour husband for a psych eval. and will then refer you to the proper people/places to help you deal with this. While he's on the psych. hold/looney bin you should evaluate whether or not you want to stay with him and deal with this again. If there are weapons in the house, you need to let the local PD know this as well so they can remove them and perhaps provide for YOUR safety once the PD and Ambo. guys arrive to take him away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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