# What would you do?



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

My husband and I have been married for a year and a few months. We dated for 6 years with a short separation/break up during the year we were engaged (a mutual agreement, I called off the wedding and he didn’t oppose). He dated someone casually for about 2-3 weeks. I originally was led to believe they went on ONE date. 

After about a month or two of being apart he showed up on my door step with my engagement ring and said that he firmly believed we were making a mistake, that he “went on a date” with this woman, and he knows in his heart more than ever that I’m the one. 

I was skeptical, I didn’t believe it was one date (I know her and she’s pretty “easy”). He ASSURED me that nothing physical transpired between them. So time passes and we get married. About 3 months into our marriage, I find out through a friend that he had a brief “relationship” with her. As in wine & dining, sex, and she and her BABY staying at his home for nights at a time. 

I about lost my mind. Fast forward to now: It’s a year later since I have found out and I haven’t been able to let go of the fact that he was perfectly OK with entering our marriage with that lie. 

We fight constantly. The other night we got into an argument, he said he was going to go to the casino to play poker and blow off steam. He went to the casino, won a bunch of money, and then went to a strip club where he lost ALL of the money. He claims he got 3 lap dances, but I feel like he paid for sexual favors. I found out he was there when he wouldn’t answer my calls at 3:30 in the morning, so I logged into find my iPhone. I was already considering that I couldn’t forgive him for the lie, but now this? 

He apologized sincerely and said it was wrong that he was lashing out at me because he doesn’t understand why I can’t forgive him and leave the past in the past. It was before we were married. That the fleeting fling with her didn’t matter to him, I was always what he wanted and needed, and it took him messing up to find that out. But strip club? I think I’m ready to file, but there is still something holding me back. 

I love him, he’s a great husband aside from this. I don’t want to get divorced but I don’t know how to move past these things. Advice welcomed. Please don’t sugar coat.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I added paragraphs to your post so it can be more easily read.


----------



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

Thanks!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think divorce is the only real choice you have. 

He has no problem with serious lies. To me, his night out at a strip club with 'lap dances' is cheating.

Why do you two fight all the time?

How old are the two of you?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Other than he lies to your face about having sex with other women,goes to strip clubs and has sexual “interactions” with hookers when you have a fight about him cheating,putting your physical and mental health at risk he is a “great” husband. He sounds like a real prize all right. 
You are married to a man who actively seeks out other women when he feels like it but apologizes sincerely so that makes it okay. 
If your sister or a close female friend told you this story what would you advise them?
What makes you think he’s going to or even feels he has to change?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I have some thoughts to lend, but before I do, there is some additional information needed.

Why in particular did you initiate the ending of the engagement?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I think divorce is the only real choice you have.
> 
> He has no problem with serious lies. To me, his night out at a strip club with 'lap dances' is cheating.
> 
> ...


We fight because I don’t trust him and it affects our relationship. I’m 28 he’s 31


----------



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> I have some thoughts to lend, but before I do, there is some additional information needed.
> 
> Why in particular did you initiate the ending of the engagement?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I called it off because I felt like he wasn’t ready to commit. Very immature most of the time. I guess that gut feeling was right.


----------



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Other than he lies to your face about having sex with other women,goes to strip clubs and has sexual “interactions” with hookers when you have a fight about him cheating,putting your physical and mental health at risk he is a “great” husband. He sounds like a real prize all right.
> You are married to a man who actively seeks out other women when he feels like it but apologizes sincerely so that makes it okay.
> If your sister or a close female friend told you this story what would you advise them?
> What makes you think he’s going to or even feels he has to change?


I don’t know. This kind of puts it into perspective I guess. He has good qualities, they just aren’t present or redeeming him at the moment.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

rwall214 said:


> I called it off because I felt like he wasn’t ready to commit. Very immature most of the time. I guess that gut feeling was right.


Not much has changed since then.

My thoughts? He was in an affair with the lady during your engagement, and wanted to "test drive" a relationship with her.

Your gut was right.

That he would get mad at you for expecting honesty and accountability is really telling. Is that compatible with your view of a marriage?

He isn't marriage material. You would do well to file and not look back. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I believe @EleGirl can change your user name.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> rwall214 said:
> 
> 
> > I called it off because I felt like he wasn’t ready to commit. Very immature most of the time. I guess that gut feeling was right.
> ...


I don’t even know we’re to begin. He makes significantly more money than I do. I work part time and can’t afford an attorney. I told him if it came to divorce (he knows I’m contemplating) that we would go to a mediator and then file with the court. I guess that would work? He agreed that he would make sure I am on my feet and taken care, whatever I need to be happy with or without him. 

The complicated part is that I work remotely from my home for a hospital that is two states over. I originally lived there and worked full time from the hospital, after we got married I went down to part time and managed my work from home. 

Now, I need talk to my boss about going full time again and moving back home. (I don’t see my self divorcing him and staying in the same city when my family is 2 hours away.) Do I notify my HR department before going directly to upper leadership? Do I handle work before going to mediation with him? Do I mediate, come to a financial agreement, file, and then see if I can change to full time at work? Where do I start? This is madness


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have a word with HR. They probably have dealt with this kind of problem before.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

rwall214 said:


> He has good qualities, they just aren’t present or redeeming him at the moment.


Yep. No redeeming qualities seen. And, it is quite doubtful any will be seen which are robust enough to cover lies, deception, and complete, utter selfishness.

Redemption can only come from repentance. Repentance cannot come from lies nor "trickle truth".



rwall214 said:


> he’s a great husband aside from this.


Ted Bundy would have made a "great husband", too.... I mean, aside from that little serial killer thing....


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are looking at a lifetime of this kind of crap if you dont get out of this marriage now. 

If I were you, I would talk honestly with your boss and let him/her know what is going on, that you are going to need to seek full time and to move. Then you can work with your boss and HR on the logistics.


----------



## rwall214 (Mar 10, 2019)

@TJW

I guess I should have painted a better picture. 

I’ve read other posts on here about cheating partners and other than dishonesty, he doesn’t exhibit any other signs of cheating. 

You think all the nights he comes home from work on time, the fact that he has never pressured me to work but tells me it’s my decision whatever would make me happiest (I chose part-time), helps around the house even though I pretty much have it covered, is normally financially sound (aside from this past Friday evening), that’s all a “Ted Bundy” facade/scheme? 

We have joint accounts so I see everything. We have joint cell phone bill. I do check it pretty regularly, I mentioned above that I have trust issues since he lied to me last year. Our sex life is not as great as it used to be because we argue and both feel disconnected but we still have pretty normal sex a few times a month. Its more emotional now than before because I think we both know it’s over and that’s sad for us. I cried the last time we did and he just held me.

I went through an extremely difficult time last year when my father lost his job and retirement and my parents almost lost their home, my H was my rock through it, we managed to put our issues aside when my parents were going through their stuff. My mother eventually came to live with us and he took care of her for about a month while I was traveling for work and back home to take care of my dad. He went above and beyond for my family when they were in a terrible crisis.

You could see why I’m still holding onto (very)small hope. The relationship is not all bad by any means. But the things that have happened are big enough for me to consider walking away. Especially while I’m still young and we don’t have kids. I don’t know if I can ever let these things go. It doesn’t mean moving forward with D is easy.

It’s not as black and white as him flat out cheating. It’s more the dishonesty and how much he was okay with it. And now that I have calmed down and I replay that night in my head, I don’t believe he paid for sex. (NOT saying it was right for him go there at all, it’s disgusting, he said he feels disgusting for even going and he cried about it, so at least there’s remorse). I get nauseous thinking about it. He’s wrong to have lied, both times, and believe me I do stand up for myself.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its about the LIE. How are you to ever trust him? Then the way he chose to deal with you being angry about HIS LIE... going out and getting lap dances from strippers?? Low class, very very low class. Liars ALWAYS lie, its one of those absolutes you can count on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rwall214 said:


> I don’t even know we’re to begin. He makes significantly more money than I do. I work part time and can’t afford an attorney. I told him if it came to divorce (he knows I’m contemplating) that we would go to a mediator and then file with the court. I guess that would work? He agreed that he would make sure I am on my feet and taken care, whatever I need to be happy with or without him.
> 
> The complicated part is that I work remotely from my home for a hospital that is two states over. I originally lived there and worked full time from the hospital, after we got married I went down to part time and managed my work from home.
> 
> Now, I need talk to my boss about going full time again and moving back home. (I don’t see my self divorcing him and staying in the same city when my family is 2 hours away.) Do I notify my HR department before going directly to upper leadership? Do I handle work before going to mediation with him? Do I mediate, come to a financial agreement, file, and then see if I can change to full time at work? Where do I start? This is madness


You would be best to take care of yourself. That would mean doing both at the same time.... work at going full time again and work on the divorce. You do not have to live in the same city/town that he's in to finish your divorce.

You say that you cannot afford an attorney. Keep in mind that if he earns more money, then he can be made to pay for your legal fees as well. Just ask the mediator or lawyer to add that to the agreement. If he refuses to pay for your legal fees, then you can have that item taken to a judge who would probably order your husband to pay.

Mediation is usually a good idea. Then anything that you cannot agree upon in mediation can go to a judge/court to decide. Just don't let him run over you in a mediation. Today, most courts try to encourage everyone to use mediation since it's much less expensive for the courts and most courts are overwhelmed with divorce, custody, etc.

While typing this, something else came to mind. Sometimes, people do things that act out how they feel. They act out the things that they are not willing to say in words. 

It sort of mimics how we all are as children. Children have no way to voice their emotions, so they act them out. That's why play therapy is so effective with children.

I think your husband's cheating and going to the strip club are him acting out a desire that he cannot voice to you. On the one hand he probably does love you in his own way. But on the other hand he wants to be single. So he acted out being single at the strip club. He cannot voice that to you directly. He does not want to be the bad guy who says "I want a divorce". Instead he puts you in the position of being the one who broke up the marriage. This is why he says things like he will make sure you are ok even if you divorce him... because he actually wants the divorce. But again, he's conflict avoidant and wants to be the good guy. So he pushing you into a corner with the very behavior that he knows will get you to divorce him.

Also be weary of his promising to make sure you are ok even if you two divorce. A lot of men say that when they want out of a marriage. But when it comes time for the actually divorce settlement they don't follow through.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are determined to save your marriage and rebuild it, I suggest you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work that they say to do. Then tell him that if he wants to stay married that you need for him to read the books and do the work with you. You have to start with the "Love Busters" book because the love busting has to stop before you two can start meeting each others needs and rebuilding your marriage.

Another book that might be good for you to read is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you a plan of action in dealing with this sort of bad behavior.

IF the two of you do the work and change your marriage, you will build a strong, passionate marriage. Give it 3 months. If he is not putting in the effort to rebuild your relationship, it's time for divorce.

If it's good at 3 months, then give it another 6. Check with yourself every 3-6 months to make sure things are going well. If they are not file for divorce. Don't let it go for years as so many of has did. Take care of yourself.


----------

