# Married 33 years never do anything together



## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Hi Im new here so here goes
58 yo married to H or 34 years. Met him when I was 17 he was 25. Married 8 years later. He is a hard worker and good father to our 3 children, and good provider.
For years when I was a home with children he went out every Friday and Saturday night to local pub/club for drinks arriving home drunk and very late most nights (I had 3 children under 3)
(He did help a lot with children and always made sure they were in bed befor he went) I went out with him occasionally if I could arrange a babysitter. We took a family holiday every year to local seaside resort but would only stay 3-4 days as he didnt like to be away for longer. Occasionally I would tathem on my own and he would join us later. 
He has never attended family weddinge or anniversary/birthday parties etc. I always to on my own or with my sister etc.
Now that the children are adults I would like to go out with him but all he wants to do is sit in and watch TV most Friday and Saturday nights. I enjoy sitting in on occasional weekends, but i believe you only get one chance at life and should make the most of it when you are still fit and able. We do have the occasional night out together. He wont go on a foreign holiday as he doesnt like the heat and gets bored easily so My sister, aunt and I go to Spain for a week for the last 3 years.
I have recently learned to dance and really enjoy it, but he isnt interested in learning. I have a few older friends who have taken me along to ocal dances and we go o dancin weekends, I really enjoy this, but I feel as a married woman I should not be out dncing without my H.. Also 4 of us ladies are off to Nashville in October for 10 days.
Exactly 1 year ago we had this @never do anything together' discussion he said ok you arrange something for us and we will do it, I said 'No you arrange something' and left it at that. Im still waiting.....
He goes once a year for a week with a friend to a horse fair for the past 20 years. They sleep rough in the van so its not exactly a luxury holiday.
He says I am never happy always want to do something and why can I not just be content. I tell him I will have enough time sitting when im 80 or 90 yo but now while i am fit I want to be active and do new things.We dont seem to do anything together and struggle to find something that suits us both
Sorry for long post, but any suggestions.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So it's been like this for decades. Why are you expecting him to suddenly change now??

You are the one who will have to change. 

So plan something for the two of you. Why didn't you do that a year ago? Why expect him to do it when he's made it very clear it isn't a priority for the entire marriage?

I also think it's up to you to bite the bullet and make the first move as far as doing stuff with him that you don't like doing. If you take the lead he should follow once he recognizes your efforts.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You know how he is...most likely he is never going to change. As Hope suggested maybe, make plans for short 2-3 days vacation some place in your country that he may like. Then, continue to develope your circle of friends to do your things with....thats what I would do. I would hate to have to "drag" someone with me then feel bad the whole time that they are not enjoying themselves.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Holidays don't have to be to hot countries.Consider booking a holiday in Ireland,you could take in the famous Ballinasloe horse fair and there is plenty to do no matter what the weather is like.(It has been known to rain in Ireland lol)


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

PatBeggs said:


> Hi Im new here so here goes
> 58 yo married to H or 34 years. Met him when I was 17 he was 25. Married 8 years later. He is a hard worker and good father to our 3 children, and good provider.
> For years when I was a home with children he went out every Friday and Saturday night to local pub/club for drinks arriving home drunk and very late most nights (I had 3 children under 3)
> (He did help a lot with children and always made sure they were in bed befor he went) I went out with him occasionally if I could arrange a babysitter. We took a family holiday every year to local seaside resort but would only stay 3-4 days as he didnt like to be away for longer. Occasionally I would tathem on my own and he would join us later.
> ...


Why didn't you arrange something, are you setting him up to fail? I sense you are not happy and feel resentful because of all the neglect you put up with . Now you want him to be some-one completely different, this is who he is. So if you want more , you have to show him.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes, book something and the two of you go... : ) Try it, he might enjoy getting away.... If he likes horse shows how about Iowa State Fair? I think it's one of the best around. Stay a couple days and then go home. All the animals there are just gorgeous!!


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I'm a newlyishwed and I've already experienced this. I'm high energy. I like to do stuff. Lots of stuff. Up until the year we got married my husband more or less did whatever I wanted to do. Now that we're married I think he feels like he no longer needs to court me (or whatever) and now it's TV nation. Seriously. He can sit and watch TV ALL day. I tried communicating, but he just told me I made him feel bad for not being the man he wanted to be so I said F it. I accepted his TV life and I do my own damn thing. Needless to say he's suddenly more interested in doing the things I want to do again, lol. I wonder if he just needed a break from my constant GOOOO or if he just sees me going just tra la la with my friends and my hobbies and he wants to be apart of it. 
Since you didn't nip it in the bud you're going to have to act - SOLO. NOW. Plan something with him. If he doesn't do it start doing your ownt hing. He may come around or he may not, but you need to live the life you want.


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## IsaacM (Jul 25, 2017)

PatBeggs said:


> Hi Im new here so here goes
> 
> 58 yo married to H or 34 years. Met him when I was 17 he was 25. Married 8 years later. He is a hard worker and good father to our 3 children, and good provider.
> 
> ...




It's hard to change habits after 1year let alone 33yrs however the beautiful thing is that it's not impossible. You cannot change him but you can facilitate an environment for him to change, make it fun. Arrange with your other friends who are married to come over for a night of games, make it fun. After a few times of having the fun and BBQ at your house arrange to have it a a friends house and so on until you can arrange to have it in a pub or you can go on a date just you and him. It will take an entirely different routine for him to engage in the going out world and having fun, facilitate the environment and make him enjoy it than just suggesting and talking about it. 

Hope that helps 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## PatBeggs (Jul 24, 2017)

Hi again
Thanks everyone for your replies and advice, I will take them all on board and hopefully I can find something both of us enjoy doing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

PatBeggs said:


> .... I really enjoy this, but I feel as a married woman I should not be out dncing without my H..


Too bad your husband didn't have the same dedication to YOU when he was out drinking and having all kinds of fun *every* Friday and Saturday night while _you_ were stuck home with the kids.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I agree with what others have said, I think you're on a hiding to nothing expecting him to arrange it. 

If I was you I'd book something yourself, but try as far as you possibly can to make it something that he would enjoy. So if he doesn't like hot weather, nowhere hot etc. If it feels like a 'treat' you have planned for him, rather than a 'chore' you are forcing him to do, he's much more likely to enjoy it and to want to do it again next time.


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