# I think I want to leave..



## futurefear (Oct 10, 2011)

Hi i'm new,

I'm coming to this site as a last resort.
I'm really hoping for some advice, tips or guidance because i'm unsure what to do from here on out.

My husband and I have been married for 13 months, together for a little over 3 years.

I have a 3.5 yr old daughter from a previous relationship, a very abusive relationship, where I was verbally abused, I left during my pregnancy with my daughter and moved interstate near family to rebuild my life.

6 months after my daughter was born I started dating my now husband. At the time I never put much thought into finding somebody but there he was. 

It took me a long time to put down barriers I had built up from being hurt previously, our relationship was tough, we really had to work at it. 

One thing stood up about my husband back then, he really seemed to care about my feelings, so much to the point if I cried sometimes he did too.

We had a daughter (my 2nd) a year later, and things were going fine. However we didn't live together untill our daughter (my 2nd) was 3 months old.

That's when things seemed to start changing.

We moved into a rental property and my husband was working 2 jobs for a period of 6 months, he joined a band to play drums in even though I was concerned about the amount of commitment a band would involve and having 2 young children meant i'd be left on my own alot.

Several months after we had moved, my husband went down to 1 job, but he started getting abusive. We would have huge arguements, I was crying daily. A few times things got so heated that he shoved me, or grabbed me firmly and shook me. He scared me. I began to feel like I didn't know who he was.

6 months later I decided it would be best for us financially and emotionally to live with his parents untill we sorted ourselves out. We had our wedding planned for 3 months after that and we really need to "fix" our relationship.

We received marriage councilling in the lead up to the wedding, which helped for a little while. There was abit of a high after the wedding when things were going quite well. We started trying for another baby, we got rid of all our debt (well over $50,000's worth). 

But it didn't take long for things to start going back to how they were. The arguing kept happening. One time even his brother made threats to me and broke a glass bottle infront of me and my children. 

I feel terrible for my children, this is not the marriage I want them to see as normal.

My husbands commitments to his band (and others) grew, it became more of a priority, it was chosen above the kids and I. 

It felt like he just didn't care about me anymore. The one thing that stood out about him was gone.. 

What happened to the man who use to cry if I cried?
Who would sit up for hours at night with me and hold me tight if something was wrong?

I feel like i've been betrayed by my best friend. 

He would get angry over the silliest things, his alcohol intake grew. He'd snap at the kids over pointless things. 

Many times i've spent my nights crying on the couch, feeling helpless, lost and unsure what the best thing was to do. Many times i've said i'd leave, even packed my things but never left. His tears would come out about how much he loves me, but then the next day or the next week he'd hurt me again.

Yesterday it got the furthest it ever has, I was so close to leaving, I even sat down and explained to him I thought it was best if we seperated, that we were in an unhealthy relationship and it wasn't good for us or the kids.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd child, his 2nd. But I feel like I'm doing the pregnancy alone, he shows no interest. Same with my girls, I feel like I do it all myself.

So I guess i'm thinking, maybe I should just do it myself? 

I know that this decision lies inside of me, it's that first step and it's always the hardest to make. I've left somebody before, so I know deep down I can do it again.

But how do I deal with it? I do love him with all my heart. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of him being with somebody else. I feel scared of being alone, even though I have a very loving family. Whom I barely see because of my marriage.

I feel like i've lost myself. I suffered post natal depression, my anxiety has gone through the roof and it all steams from my marriage.

Why can't I just go? Why isn't it that easy?

I feel like i'm delaying the inevitable.

Help


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