# please - I want your opinion, thanks



## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

I have been married for almost 4 years; we have a 7 month old son. To keep this to manageable size, suffice it to say that my mothers in law absolutely hate each other. Our interaction is limited to events in which she snarls at me to the point of being nicknamed by a few friends as “junk yard dog” My husband is always attempting please his mother and is constantly making excuses for her behavior. At my sons Christening, she, my father in law and brother in law, took the front pew at church (you know the one reserved for baby his parents and godparents) throughout the service while I was standing on the alter holding my son she snarled at me to the point that one of the Godparents actually repositioned themselves to block my view of her. After the service she was rude to me in front of my husband, who claims he didn’t notice. At the party she not only continued to snarl at me, she placed my son face down on a dirty plastic tablecloth on a plastic outside table, my husband was right there and did nothing. Fast-forward a few months, my husband wants to take the baby to her for Christmas (Last Christmas while I was pregnant he actually went to florida alone to spend Christmas with his mother and family) I said no because after the Christening we together agreed that she owed me an apology and that this year Christmas was mine and the baby’s. Well he pushed and pushed and repeatedly requested a sit down with his mother to get everything out on the table. I stated and he agreed that I wasn’t going to get into a long discussion about past events until she apologized for her behavior at the Christening. He asked me what I was going to say and I said “I am very angry about your behavior at the christening, you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” My husband stated he was fine with me saying that. In January She showed up for the sit down at my home, and came with a real attitude (my husband agrees she had a major attitude and was rude) My husband asked me to tell her why I was upset about her behavior at the Christening I said “you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” She jumped up and screamed “that’s just my face”, I produced a picture of her snarling (1 of many that I have) and asked” is this your face, is this what you want the baby to associate with you” to which she grabbed the picture, threw it at me and started screaming” F%$# You, F%$# You, F%$# your whole family” I walked to the door opened it and told her to “Get out of my house” She continued to scream her F%$#’s and stated “YOUR HOUSE, NO this is (Husbands Name) HOUSE”. I repeated “GET OUT of my house” My dear husband stood up and was saying Mom please calm down, calm down, When she finally walked out the door still screaming my husband stood in the doorway blocking me from closing the door once he finally moved and I closed the door he started yelling at me that it was all my fault, I should have been nicer, “I know that’s what you said you were going to say but you should have been nicer” After 4 years of him allowing his mom to treat me like crap and him defending her and making himself look damn foolish with the excuses he makes up to excuse her behavior, I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left. 
After I left, my husband claims he called his mother and “laced into her” but also went to visit his brother (who he himself has repeatedly stated he is not close too) who happens to live with monster in law and that night he delivered the Christmas gifts he had for his Mom, Dad and brother. But yet he insists he doesn’t want a divorce and wants us to work thing out. Now heres where I need opinions: DOES anyone else think it was inappropriate for him to deliver gifts to his mother within hours of his mother screaming F%$# you F%$# you to his wife, and then claiming he defends his wife and doesn’t want a divorce???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are a few things here… 


If my husband left me on a Christmas to visit with his family in another state there would be hell to pay. It would be even worse if I was pregnant. 


You could have handled the meeting a lot better. What did you think was going to happen when you called her a "junk yard dog"? Did you really think that was going to get you any reaction other than the one you got? Was that really your attempt to make things better between the two of you?


You did say that your husband tried to defuse the situation. That’s a good sign.




Lily Rose said:


> I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left.



So after you left your husband and told him that you are getting a divorce, you are upset because he hours later he took presents to his mother and family. 

You telling him that you are divorcing him and leaving your home is mean and abusive. But then you want to know if his behavior was wrong?

I think that if you want to be forgiven for your significant contributions to the problems by calling his mom a junk yard dog to her face and then stomping out of your marital home telling your husband you are divorcing him. Then you are going to have to forgive him for wanting to be with his brother and family after he thought he’d lost is wife and children.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There are a few things here…
> 
> 
> If my husband left me on a Christmas to visit with his family in another state there would be hell to pay. It would be even worse if I was pregnant.
> ...


Agreed and really what are you looking for validation in being upset with him over taking gifts to his family? I think he handled him self well and I think you hate her as much as you claim she hates you. And name calling even if someone is mean to you is a grade school action. Take a look at your own actions. I give your husband props for saying he still wants to be married


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I also have a mean MIL (mother-in-law) so I empathize with you. I think at one point my H also wanted me to have a sit down talk with her but I didnt think that would be such a good idea. 

I completely understand why you would chose to say she snarled like a junk yard dog. I certainly had a few choice phrases for my MIL and regrettably I bad-mouthed her to some of my own family. But it is passive aggressive and dishonest communication. You could have just said she snarled and that would have been better. Or even better never talked to her in the first place. But that doesnt mean you're responsible for how she responded. She was obviously waiting for an opportunity to pounce. She seems to really dislike you, do you have any idea why?

I think it's interesting that after the verbal altercation with your MIL that your H immediately said you should have been nicer. But his panic should enlighten you about how he interacts with her. He thinks he has to placate her so she doesnt get upset. Do you see that? He is so afraid of upsetting his mom and experiencing her temper; that's why he jumped on you when she blew up. It's also why he cant stand up to her. I'm guessing his mom has always had a nasty temper and he grew up trying to learn how to avoid it. He reacts to her out of a child's fear of losing her love. He hasnt quite reached the stage where he acts like an adult with her. In a way you can be grateful that he thought you should be nicer since that means he relates to you at least on the level of an adult. I hate to say it but you picked a guy with mommy issues. He's not a bad guy but he is still afraid of losing his mom's love. 

I also completely understand your getting upset when he went over to his family's after you threatened divorce. I used to threaten my H with divorce all the time; i'd even pack up and leave sometimes. Once I packed up and left and he just went back to work like nothing happened. Nice. He never really responded and that really hurt. It drove me crazy, literally. 

You have every right to be so upset. He left you over the holidays and he does have misguided priorities. You feel a lack of love coming form him because there is a lack of love. It's a horrible feeling and can cause you to grab on as tight as you can and force the feeling back. But dont forget to take a step back and ask yourself if this is the person you want to be.


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## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

Thank you for your insights. I think I may have made a mistke in limiting the story to keep it to a reasonable length. You asked some valid questions, so here is the full story, your comments are most welcome.

I am seeking impartial opinions from both ladies and gentlemen: I am sorry this is so long but I need people to give opinions based on full disclosure. I married a man who has had one prior marriage, lived with his parents and helped them out financially. Upon our engagement, my family and I invited and hosted his family for an introduction dinner, Easter and Thanksgiving. Although I did invite them for Christmas, they did not come and after they learned that they were not included for Christmas Eve at my ill Grandmothers, I was told they wouldn’t be coming for Christmas day as I had “ruined thanksgiving for their other adult son” by not having his traditional stuffing from a local store. The following Easter my mother in law decided to have the holiday at her house- I was not invited. When we were house hunting my mother in law wanted us to "buy half her house" - no it is not a two family house. For the rehearsal dinner for our wedding, I was told that his mother insisted on hosting, but that I would have no say (we had wanted the rehearsal dinner to be small just immediate family and bridal party) no his mother wanted all her of town guest but did not want to include my Grandparents (I am extremely close with them and since I was raised by a single mother, my Grandfather would be dancing the father daughter dance with me.) My mother offered a compromise, she would host a small rehearsal lunch for immediate family and bridal party and his mother could host the rehearsal dinner and invite who she wanted. Two weeks before the wedding She sent me an email stating she was cancelling the rehearsal dinner as she “would not be up to doing a do” after being out for lunch and then to church for the rehearsal. As it turns out she did host a party at her home the night of the rehearsal and served/catered dinner for out of town guest, her family and my husband – I was NOT invited. She justified this by claiming it wasn’t a rehearsal dinner but a bachelor party - guests to this “Bachelor party” included grooms mother, sister, and aunts. The following day the groom and a group of male relatives went on a golf outing. A the rehearsal lunch she showed up in a wrinkled green tee shirt, with a puss and pout, when I gave her a gift I had bought for her, she didn’t even say thank you. 
At the wedding she literally snarled at me as I was walking down the aisle and as we were taking our vows (well documented on video and still pictures) she snubbed me on the receiving line. And refused to speak to me during the reception but snarled at me every chance she got. She showed up at the after party for about 5 minutes and loudly announced that she wouldn’t be staying because she was in too much pain as the places I selected for the wedding had too many stairs and she needed to go home to bed. Fact – She had a number of guests back to her house for her own after party. Years passed and we were expecting our first child, that Christmas she wanted my husband to go to Florida to spend the holiday with HIS family. I didn’t go for several reasons, 1 I didn’t want to fly in the first trimester, I didn’t want to spend the holiday with people who have displayed nothing but distain for me in 4 years, and that I had final exams on the dates my husband was expected to be there before Christmas. My husband decided to go and he spent the holiday with HIS family, not his pregnant wife. My mother hosted a surprise baby shower for me and did not invite his mother; my husband called my mother and asked about why his mother didn’t get an invite. My mother explained that she made the decision because 1- his mother seems to like to do things separate from our family 2- she wanted me to enjoy the day and not be stress with his mother being there pouting and making faces at me 3- My mother just wasn’t comfortable hosting his mother anymore. My mother told my husband that if his mother was upset she would be happy to speak to her and explain that the decision was hers alone.

My mother in law was away when our baby was born but my husband had her on speaker phone so she could hear him announce our son’s arrival in the hospital waiting room to my mom and sister. She was invited to the christening and did show up at the church an sat in the front row, the row reserved for the baby’s parents and godparents (I assume this was just her ignorance of etiquette) during the service when I was standing on the alter holding my son, she was snarling at me throughout the service. After the service she repeatedly announced that she wanted pictures with her, my husband and the baby only and I want this in the background so “my name, you have to move” she showed up an hour late to the party at my house and she, her husband and other son were the ONLY guests that did not congratulate me, offer help, thank for being invited or some other pleasantry. After she her husband, my husband, and his brother ate, My husband, ever eager to please his mom brought her the baby, which she held for under three minutes then placed on face down on the dirty plastic tablecloth on a plastic table on uneven grass, my husband sat there and did/said NOTHING. Upon seeing this I walked over picked up my son and said I’ll burp him. Her evil eyes and junk yard scowl followed me across the yard. My husband responded by later pulling the baby from my mother’s arms. This is an ongoing habit every time His mother pulls a stunt, he attempts to stir trouble with or insult my mother. Fast-forward a few months, my husband wants to take the baby to her for Christmas (remember Last Christmas while I was pregnant he actually went to Florida alone to spend Christmas with his mother and family) I said no because after the Christening we together agreed that she owed me an apology and that this year Christmas was mine and the baby’s. I had also just buried my beloved Grandfather. I had told my husband that I saw no hope for this marriage his only concern seems to be trying to win his mother’s love and approval, and he sacrifices me at every turn, he stated he thought there was hope for our marriage and said he agreed his mother had no true interest in being Grandma, and that she owed me an apology for her behavior. He also agreed he owed my mom an apology (he still hasn’t done that). We have been going to counseling for over a year, and even the counselor has stated that my husband just doesn’t want to see his mother for who she is or what she does. My husband pushed and pushed and repeatedly requested a sit down with his mother to get everything out on the table, he repeatedly stated he did not expect to resolve things he just wanted everything out on the table. At counseling he agreed he did not think this would resolve anything but he wanted everything out on the table. I stated and he agreed that I wasn’t going to get into a long discussion about past events until she apologized for her behavior at the Christening. He asked me what I was going to say and I said “I am very angry about your behavior at the christening, you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” My husband stated he was fine with me saying that, exactly that – honestly since his mother intimidates everyone in his family I think he thought I would back down and not use that term. In January She showed up for the sit down at my home, and came with a real attitude (my husband agrees she had a major attitude and was rude) She growled at me and made a couple of nasty remarks, My husband asked me to tell her why I was upset about her behavior at the Christening I said “you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” She jumped up and screamed “that’s just my face”, I produced a picture of her snarling (1 of many that I have) and asked” is this your face, is this what you want the baby to associate with you” to which she grabbed the picture, threw it at me and started screaming” F%$# You, F%$# You, F%$# your whole family” I walked to the door opened it and told her to “Get out of my house” She continued to scream her F%$#’s and stated “YOUR HOUSE, NO this is (Husbands Name) HOUSE”. I repeated “GET OUT of my house” My husband stood up and was saying Mom please calm down, calm down, When she finally walked out the door still screaming my husband stood in the doorway blocking me from closing the door once he finally moved and I closed the door he started yelling at me that it was all my fault, I should have been nicer, “I know that’s what you said you were going to say but you should have been nicer” After 4 years of him allowing his mom to treat me like crap and him defending her and making himself look damn foolish with the excuses he makes up to excuse her behavior, I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left. 
After I left, my husband claims he called his mother and “laced into her”. But a week later after I went twice more to counseling with him, he told counselor his mother was out of line that night, that he was wrong to blame me, and that he wanted to make our marriage work. A week later, by accident I learned that the night of the sit-down after I left my husband actually went to “visit his brother” (who he himself has repeatedly stated he is not close too -) who happens to live with monster in law and that night he delivered the Christmas gifts he had for his Mom, Dad and brother. But yet he insists he doesn’t want a divorce and wants us to work thing out. Now here’s where I need opinions: DOES anyone else think it was inappropriate for him to deliver gifts to his mother within hours of his mother screaming F%$# you F%$# you to his wife, and still adamantly claim he defends his wife and doesn’t want a divorce???


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## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

accidently duplicated sorry


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lilly,
I agree that your MIL seems to be behaving in an angry way. But you are not exactly innocent in all of this. 
For example the rehearsal dinner: According to wedding etiquette, it is hosted by the groom’s parents. They are the hosts, they pay for it, and they can invite anyone they want and throw any kind of dinner/party they want. It’s their son’s wedding too and they get to make the dinner as small or as large as they want. It is the only part of the wedding that the groom’s family gets to plan and do their own way. It was ungracious of you to have your mother host a separate rehearsal dinner/party. 
Your MIL not inviting your grandparents is an obvious snub and out of line. Your husband should have put his foot down and insisted that they were invited. And your grandparents should have never been told that they were not originially invited. Their being left out was an obvious snub in retribution for the non-invite for Xmas eve. That was petty on your MIL’s part. 
If you had graciously gone to the rehearsal dinner/party his parents held much of this problem would have never occurred. 
After you snubbing her for the rehearsal dinner it’s no surprise that she was upset at the Christening. You owe her a huge apology for snubbing her rehearsal dinner/party and throwing your own. 

IMHO, you need to back off some of this. Your husband is caught between a mother and a wife who are not behaving very well. The two of you (you and MIL) have locked horns and by golly neither of you are going to be the first to extend an olive branch.

You need to heal this. Why? Because if you want to not raise you children in a broken family and be overly influenced by a MIL who is angry at you for the rest of her life.. YOU need to be the first one to put out the olive branch. A letter to her might be the best way to do it. One in which you apologize for what you have done wrong and beg for her forgiveness. One in which you do not mention all of her faults. Why? Because as soon as you mention her faults and all that she has done wrong you will have lost all ground. The question is, do you want to be right or do you want a healed family?

And your husband needs to tell his mother that he will not tolerate her being angry and nasty to you. That you are ready to end the war and have apologized to her. That he hopes one day she will apologize to you for what she’s done… like the snarling bit. But that if she wants to see her grandchildren she will treat you well, invite you to everything she invites him to. And that he will no longer go to her place without you for holidays.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, your MIL is absolutely malicious!

If my MIL was like that and my husband did not stand up for me, I'd question the marriage. My husband and I stand up for each other no matter what the issue is. You husband needs to realize how toxic his mother is. I'm assuming he's afraid of her due to her abusing him his entire life. I really can't give you advice, I have no clue how much you love your husband to put up with that. Or how he treats you as his wife.

I do wish you the best of luck! My in laws are absolutely amazing. It's my own parents that are the toxic ones, but not quite like your husband's parents.

I voted number 1
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that most of the problem with the MIL stems from Lilly snubbing the MIL's rehersal dinner.

IMHO, Lilly staging her own rehersal dinner as not a wise thing to do.


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## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

The rehershal dinner/lunch was not the beginning of this. After being invited for Introfuction dinner, Easter, and Thanksgiving with my family She di not come for Christmas day (she was invited) because according to her I ruined her other sons thanksgiving by not having their traditional store bought stuffing" She then hosted the next Easter at her home and did not invite me. All this BEFORE the REHERSHAL was even planned. ELEGIRL, I appreciate your comments but why do you want to pick the middle of the story as where the problem begins.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Because SOMEONE has to "be the bigger person". You don't have to like her.... but you have her grandchild. That has to count for something. 

If you are asking if it was appropriate for him to take those gifts to his family.... then I vote yes. His wife just took their baby and walked out on him, ALOT of people would go to their family. If you are asking if leaving him was the right thing to do... only you can answer that one.

*Edited to add: 
Keeping score on past resentments...no matter whose fault they were.... doesn't help you, or mil, or anyone. It just keeps you bitter...which is no way to be. Let the past go. Move forward. You don't have to like your MIL... just let her go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lily, you have a very difficult MIL. That's clear. She reminds me of my ex-MIL. My name for her is “The Wicked Witch of the West”. She was awful. And yes I had knock down drag outs with her.. like when I walked in and caught her kicking my 3 year old son. It was the last time she watched him. She’s lucky I did not call the police and have her arrested.

I get your problem. But you are the one here asking for advice. Are you here to just get people to agree with you? Or are you where to solve your problem with your MIL so you can go on to have a happy, healthy family life? You will get advice here on how you can make your marriage work. It does not matter who is right here. It matters that your marriage and family be protected. 

So what if she did not go to Christmas because you did not buy stuffing at the right place. The way to handle that is to invite you again and ask her to bring the stuffing. Then you can have your stuffing and her silly store bought stuffing for everyone to try.

Your MIL was wrong to not invite you to Easter. If she invited your husband and not you than he should have stood up to her and told her that either she invite both of you, or neither of you.

There is more than one way of handling these things. WWIII is not the way you want to go. You have WWIII right now. And I can tell you that right now MIL is going to win WWIII. She is winning; you are talking about divorcing our husband. She will have your husband and your children on holidays without you. Is this what you want?

You have to be smarter than MIL. You need to defuse the war and take her anger (her anger is her power) away from her. And when you do that your husband will find it much easier to do what he should be doing… getting his mom to back down and be a better person. But if you back her into a corner as you have… she will always come out fighting… think of her as an angry, scared cat in a corner… they will always come out scratching and biting.

Your husband needs to tell his mother that he will not go to any family function without you. That he and you are married and joined at the hip. And if she mistreats you in any way when you are there, he and you will leave. If she wants a relationship with him and her grandchildren she will be gracious and kind to you, his wife and the mother of his children. 

She will test this a few times and from time to time. You and your husband need to be ready for this and handle it by simply getting up and saying that it’s time for you to leave. 

After doing that a few times, as a team you will have taught her how you both expect her to treat you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Just curious....Why did your husband's first marriage end?

The best thing to do is learn to be cordial with the in-laws. I put up with a domineering MIL for more than 20 years. Unfortunately, my husband would usually take his mother's side. Being friends with the in-laws didn't seem possible. I went to their events only when absolutely necessary. However, I always tried to be respectful towards them. Sometimes ya gotta grin and bear it--especially when grandchildren are involved.

Perhaps moving and putting more distance between you and them would help. That's how I survived more than 20 years of marriage. A 3 hour drive apart was a good thing.


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## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

I do appreciate the advise and suggestions, but please understand my husband is either totally incapable or unwilling to back me up in any way when it comes to his mother and she knows that. We have had the conversation with the counselor, who also told him he should decline invitations that do not include his wife he agrees until the next one comes, then he pouts and sulks and I mean for DAYS and says I wont let him go. Then his passive aggressive behavior goes on for months. Then he makes the plans and says oh I thought we agreed on that. He makes agreements on how we as a team are going to handle situations with his family, we discuss them with the counselor and then when the issue comes up, he goes against the agreement, every single time! When the counselor mentions the prior agreement he states oh I was angry when I made that agreement. 

I have. yes the invite came from ME, extended olive branches and invited them to my home for their (MIL & FIL) birthday for cake and coffee, they never RSVP - my husband says oh his family never RSVP's. So I am left wondering are they coming or not, usually the night before when I ask my husband he will tell me oh yeah they are coming or oh no they are not. I invited them to the Christening and again NO RSVP, they know full well my husband was away while I was planning the Christening and sent the invites. Apparently she is angry because her other son was not Godfather. Mutual friend of my husband and I are the godparents. My husband never once suggested his brother, but this again is my fault. 
His mother did not get along with her mother in law, so my husband never knew his fathers side of the family. She didnt get along with my husbands first wife. He admits that he has alot of issues with his mother. I have suggested he work on resolving his issues with his mother and leave our son and me out of it until he resolves them and until she accepts that he is a grown man with a family and is willing to be civil to me out of respect for him, again he agrees but then mommy calls and all agreements with me are off.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Then tell your husband that either he stands by you 100% or your are getting a divorce.

If he stays with you...

He will not go to anything at his mothers if you are not also invited.

He agrees to no holidays with just your child(ren) and him going to his mother's without you.

He agrees that when all of you travel to visit his mother you will all stay together in a hotel, not at her house.

He will leave his mother's if she is disrespectful to you... no discussion with her, not arguing, no explaining... just you both say it's time to leave and you leave.

He will write a letter to his mother tellling her that he is married, that he will only attend holidays and events that she hosts if you are also invited. That you will treat her with respect due to a MIL and she will treat you with the respect due to a DIL. That if the two of you are around her and she is rude to you HE, you and the children will leave. IF she wants to see her son she will treat his wife with respect. If she wants to see her grandchildren she will treat their mother with respect. Nothing else is acceptable. 

And after that don't expect her to be anything but cold to you. But at least she will not be rude.


If he cannot agree to the above and stop is passive agressive behavior about going over to see mommy, then you will not stay married to him.

I think this is your only choice. This is a deal breaker for you.


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## lovebug53 (Sep 13, 2012)

Lily,
Well I first think you need to understand that that is his MOTHER! If nothing else understand that you first fell in love with a man this woman raised. Just like your son, you would not want him to leave you for someone else. After reading that you called her a "junkyard dog" I completely had to side with her. That was not only cruel to say to her but horrible to say that in front of her child (grown or not he is still her son). You were just as rude as you claim she was. 
You have to realize that its not just about how you feel, now that you have a son involved. (remember just like she does) So get over yourself! You may think you are the victim here but he had a family way before you came around and you have to respect them! Tell this story again in your head and change the names to you being the mother in law and your son bringing home a girl that called you a "Junk yard dog" I hope you raise your son well enough to act the way your husband did!!!!! THAT'S HIS MOTHER!!!!!


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

wow.
my husband would stand up to anyone including his own mother for me (even if i was wrong)...
your husband needs to defend you and leave his mother and cleave to you...


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