# The issue of trust....rebuilding trust



## newshoes (Jan 29, 2008)

Trust is a huge aspect of a relationship that I value. Along with respect and communication.

What do you do when the trust is broken? How do you move on and rebuild it?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He lives with me, and my 2 children. Recently, while he was on a business trip, I found out that he met up with a girl who I know he has had relations with. When I confronted him about it, he lied. He continued to lie until I pushed him so hard he admitted to it. Previous to this a few months back, I found out that he had a private email account and that he had been email girls. In one of the emails he referred to me as "someone he was just seeing, that was opened"!?!?! I believe that it was just emails, I do not think that he actually met anyone, as he doesn't have enough time in his day to do that. But now since his return I don't trust him. I am sure he had time on his hands while he was away.

I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend, and I am willing to work it out, as he said he is too. But where to start? I did ask him to move out for awhile to get our heads straight, but he ignored that suggestion.

I keep thinking if he loved me so much, he would not have disrespected me and lied to me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If it is your place then he shouldn't have the option to refuse to move out, however, I really don't think that is the issue nor do I think it will help. Ask his to lead a transparent life for a while so you can build the trust again. COMMUNICATION is very important and I think you need to set an hour a day aside to talk so you can really get to know each other and bond.

draconis


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## newshoes (Jan 29, 2008)

thanks Draconis 

I really do not want him to move out, he is really my best friend! 
But the whole trust thing is so sticky with me
I may be able to forgive, but I will never forget, and getting past that seems to be the hard part.

He travels frequently with work, so I am sure every trip I will be suspicious. And I am sure my insecurities are going to make him nuts.

I guess because I hold trust so high as a value, I am still so hurt by the lying, that I gotta come to grips with what I am gonna do, so I can effectively deal with it.

Do guys ever get sick of talking about it though? We do talk about it, and I go on and on and on, he listens and replies with the "I am sorry I was wrong, I wont do it again". When is the talking done?

Sorry I think I am rambling now....................


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## Delphi (Nov 28, 2007)

I'm sorry to say this but if he had a secret email account and was emailing girls then it was planned and premeditated deception. Meeting an ex while away from home is accidental and even if he took it too far it's kind of understandable. But the emails? 

I suspect there is something going on in his head that he is not talking about. Maybe he loves you but doesn't feel ready for the full family commitment thing. Perhaps you should consider counseling to get to the bottom of it.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

newshoes said:


> Do guys ever get sick of talking about it though? We do talk about it, and I go on and on and on, he listens and replies with the "I am sorry I was wrong, I wont do it again". When is the talking done?


If you question is if guys ever get sick of talking in general I guess it matters more on if they have learned how to communicate and what the subject is. There is only so many times you can drag up the same thing and beat someone with it before it gets old and tiring.

Then again most relationships lack the ability to communicate, and I don't mean talking at each other either. I mean talking to and listening to the other person and learning about them and respecting their opinions and views.

Many women are the same way however communication is by far more of a male problem. Like I say all the time there are physical reasons behind that. Further there are good ways to talk and bad ways to talk. How you stand or sit, involving touch, tone of voice and enviroment all are important when you what someone to listen to you (specially men).

draconis


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## demora (Jan 22, 2008)

Trust is so fragile. When my husband and I were first dating, I found out that he was planning to go out to a Nascar race with a woman who supposedly worked for his favorite driver. Things were more complicated between the two fo them then that, but let's just say it hurt me, very badly and it almost ended our relationship.

To this day, he still talks to other people - men and women - on the computer and sometimes I get...jealous for lack of a better word because of the history with this woman and his online relationship with her. He talks to women all the time that tell him they want to get to know both of us and be our friend. They message me once and I never hear from them again, but beyond that I have to chose to trust him. I have to make a concerted effort to trust that he's not doing something behind my back. I know that he loves me and he wouldn't want to lose me. And because he doesn't want to lose me, he's not going to be deceptive anymore.

You asked if if you ever get tired of talking about it. He's said he's sorry and to keep bringing it up and hashing it out is not allowing you to move through it and start to rebuild your trust.

There is no magic fix for a trust that is betrayed, except to offer your trust again if that is what you really want.

My husband changed his online nickname, closed down that email account and everything that I asked him to do after I found out about that woman. Once he did that, and was sincerely sorry, I had to let it go so we could move on with our lives and leave that part in the past.

I wish I could tell you that once you accept what happened and accept his apology that it never creeps back into your mind, but it does, and you have to be honest with him about it, but not to the point of reliving it all the time. It's going to be doubly hard because of his travel, but you have to decide how you can handle that and the bruised trust. What will it take for you to trust him while he's out on the road? What can he do to help you see that he's not going to mess up again? These are things that should be answered so the healing can begin and continue even through his travel.

Something else to remember is that we are all human. We all make mistakes and some of us repeat them time and time again. Some of us only make the mistake once and learn from it. What level of commitment is he looking for from you? You from him? Do they mesh?

I wish you the best. It's not an easy journey, but if there is truely love there on both sides, it's worth it.


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

I was in the same situation, minus the length of the relationship and the kids part...my then bf and I had just gotten an apartment. I paid money for it with my student loans. Well one day at school I was watching his computer for him while he got something to eat. He had his messenger up and I wanted to introduce myself to his friends. One girl popped up and said "I didn't know Bobby had a gf". I was hurt and shocked. I checked his previous messages and he told girls that "he was dating someone but it wasn't working out and would prolly end soon". WE HAD JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER!!! I forgave him but the trust broke, after a few more months I broke up with him...because he kept doing it. It hurts but 2 years later I am happily married for over a year now and couldnt be better. I hope your situation gets worked out and you have a happy ending too...think about the kids...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

In response to "where to start", where to start?

The very first thing, IMO is to just completely lay ALL of the cards on the table. NO games, NO threats, NO arguments - just completely open boundaries, demands, promises (that are SOLID).

It's kind of like pouring the concrete in a foundation. If that doesn't happen, the rest will be poorly founded and will crumble down.

We will ALL have advice (some spot on, some not so much), but as for "where to start", THAT's the place.

You will both learn a LOT from that, and it might just be that it's time to move on. I doubt it will, though.

Trust and betraying that trust are HUGE!!! I would bet even money that it causes more divorces than anything else.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It's been 3 years this May for me that my h cheated on me. I too value trust very much. Much much more than I realize when it comes to trying to repair this marriage. The reality is you will never know now. Mine too travels for work. When he is on his phone, I wonder, when he is on his computer, I wonder, when he goes to the store... Where ever he goes, I wonder ever day what he is up to now. It is always in the fore front of my minds eye. Is he cheating again???... 

As far as getting sick of hearing about it, is it him saying it, or you? If him, he just wants to be done w it... Move on, go back to the way it was, but sadly that won't happen. Your voice needs to heard, understood, and until that happens, you'll probably talk until the sun comes down.

If it is you that wants to stop talking, I'ld be asking myself why??? 

~sammy


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

Well, he needs to earn your trust back, otherwise, like you said, uncertainty will be on you every time he is out of your sight. If he referred to you as "someone he was just seeing", I'd ask him about what he finds lacking in your relationship. If he's talking to or meeting up with other women, he's not committed to your relationship. So if your committed, you need to find out why he isn't, and determine whether you guys have a real future.

I personally believe that trust, once breached, can never really be fully repaired. But that may not be true of everyone.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

you cant really ever trust him again


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

unless he is willing to portray a level of transparency and devotion that verges on psychotic, i doubt you will ever be able to trust him again. 

fact is, he was deceiving you the entire time. 

now, if he does manage to show remorse in a way that seems genuine to you, the only way you will be able to trust him again is to emotionally detach from him. 

only when you feel like you dont need him will you be able to move on and let go of the pain. the reason for this is because you will be free. the things he did will no longer be hurting you, so you will be able to forgive him and move past it. 


its tricky. if you emotionally detach, YOU might end up being the one who ends the relationship. but at the same time, you will be in a position to truly move past the pain, since its no longer eating at you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The fact that he lied and kept it hidden speaks volumes of the lack of integrity.
The fact that he says "Ok, I'm sorry....I know I was wrong.." and ends the discussion speaks volumes of his lack of communication and how little effort he puts on making it up to you. 

I would question everything he does/says from now on.
Plus, he's only a boyfriend. Please don't waste anymore time if you feel it'll be hard for you to recover from this. At least, I wouldn't.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

He hid this from you and then when you confronted him he lied and you saw his response that he was just seeing you?? That brings alot of questions to me, all of which I am sure you thought over time and time again. Trust is a huge base in any relationship and once broken the trust is hard to regain, alot of hurt results from damaged trust, divisions between you and walls start going up around you to protect yourself.

I realize you do not want to lose your investment and I understand that you love this man but what if this is an indicator of what is yet to come? In your talk with boyfriend did he indicate any remorse or realize that his actions were wrong?

My first husband was my highschool sweetheart, I loved him so deeply but he was a cheat and a liar. I thought he just needed to be loved but this was not the case. he had a passion for women and not just his wife. At the time of our divorce he admitted to loving the chase, almost like he was hooked on that part of it. he loved being able to get away with the crime basically. I knew we stood no chance in recovering and there was no way he was going to change. He went on to remarry and did the same to his second wife, they too ended in divorce.


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