# How patient should I be?



## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

I think I love my wife and want a happy marriage with her. We've been having troubles for almost 6 months now. We went to counseling last fall for a couple of months. Twice she refused to go because she was angry with me and once she only agreed to go only if I let her take the kids away to her mother's on a weekend I wanted to do something with them. Finally, when she didn't like something she heard in counseling she walked out. She constantly refused to try any of the exercises in communication the counselor recommended.

She has made sure to let me know that everything wrong with our marriage is my fault. Every day, I find myself avoiding saying things to her so she doesn't start yelling and screaming at me. She did this on Thanksgiving and Christmas. They were my worst holidays ever. She let me take my kids to visit my family over New Years and suffered a breakdown because she missed them so badly. I was able to get her into individual counseling 6 weeks ago and she's getting other treatment for depression for a few weeks now.

Most of the time she gives me the impression she is stonewalling and refuses to recognize my emotions or concerns. I continue to meet with a counselor and all we talk about is how I should interact with my wife. I try really hard to avoid conflict at home and am uncomfortable dealing with my kids because any disagreements about them lead to her yelling. I cannot plan activities with them easily. One time we did an activity without her and she's been mad about it for weeks, because it was so important to her. (It was a minor thing.)

She's used Facebook to make angry posts directed at me. She "unmarried" me on Facebook in September, and now restricted me because I called her out on the angry posts. When I try to talk with her I often have to ask several times to get her to put down the cellphone, get off facebook and look at me.

In the few times she's opened up to me, I've learned she wants to find someone else to make her happy, is afraid to be alone, and wants to live in the house together till the kids grow up. She sharply insulted me last week and said I should find someone else for a relationship and sex, while she still lives with me. (This is offensive to me because my father did it and it's a poor example to the kids.) When I told her how insulting it was, she did not apologize.

Every time we talk about starting a divorce plan, she stalls and says she wants to wait till after the holidays, then it was birthdays and now it's the end of the school year.

I resent the effort I've been making to save this marriage and am getting mad that I currently support her and she makes no financial contribution and is not looking for a job. She said she'd consider marriage counseling again, but would not agree to avoid using it as leverage, refuse to attend if angry or suddenly quit. I can't see myself trying to open up and be honest in counseling if I have to be afraid of her using it against me or walking out again.

Right now, I can only see myself staying in this marriage in the vain hope that her counseling and treatment leads her to change her behavior. If I start the divorce process, then I can look forward to protected time with my kids, my wife having to get a job and learning to take care of herself, and finally being able to move on with my life. On the bright side, in the last six months, I've done the opposite of her: I've lost weight, am in the best physical condition of my life, kept my career moving forward, and am starting to build new friendships.

After writing all this down, I may have convinced myself that there is absolutely no reason to stay in this marriage.

Any other thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well from what you have written I agree with you. There is no reason to stay in a marriage. She is abusing you and using her anger and emotional out bursts to contorl your every move. You are walking on egg shells around her.

Since I think you will be filing for divorce I'm going to respond about that. This time do not tell her that you are filing for divorce. Instead just have her served.

How long have you been married? When was the last time your wife had a job?

What state do you live in?

Have your attorney file for 50/50 custody with a visiting plan right off the bat. 

Do not move out of your house. She cannot force you out as it's your legal residence. Your children are then so do not move out until you have a custody plan in place. If you move out then you will be paying for 2 places to live and the presidence will be set that she has primary custody.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with EleGirl.

Can't see why you'd even entertain the idea of keeping this train wreck on the tracks.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

What they said. This is abuse, plain and simple.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughts. It's been hard to strike a balance between setting limits on how I allow myself to be treated and backing her into a corner.

I have offered several times to help her obtain job training, update her resume, and have used my limited leverage to get her into individual counseling and treatment.

Right now, I think I could havea better relationship with my children if I had court ordered evenings and weekends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Then see an attorney and get the court ordered schedule in place.


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