# The last couple of years have been rough



## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

New poster here so be gentle. Here's the story: 

Married 19 years. Been together for 26. Have 2 wonderful boys ages 15 and 7. 

Just over 2 months ago the wife asked for a 6 month trial separation. She said either I go or she goes. Not wanting to upset the dynamics of the 2 boys schedules for school, I was the one that opted to leave(not REALLY wanting to). 

She told me that she couldn't live the way that we had been living. I was being very unattentive, non-talkative, and uncaring toward her. The same way I had become almost 2 years ago when we had our first separation due to an EA that I had over the internet with an ex GF from High School. 

She asked me to move out and I did. Moved in with my understanding parents

Three months went by with a lot pleading and begging on my part and eventually she accepted me back:smthumbup:. Things went along great for for about 6-7 months and unfortunately I made contact with the ex again and the wife found out about it and needless to say was LIVID!!! Again I moved back in with my parents. This time the separation lasted only 2 months.

Been together since then and I really thought things were getting better between until she dropped the bomb on me over two months ago.

I've pleaded and begged with her saying that I have not had any contact with the EX in these 2 years. She believes me but it is the fact that I seemed to have become detached from the marriage. 

I'm really at a loss of what to do now. She is adament about having her space for these 6 months but it is just so hard because of the 2 boys involved. She wants me to have them as much as I want them(oldest one and I are headed to Myrtle Beach for the weekend). And everytime I get around her and the boys I just want to grab her hug her and hold so tightly.But after finding TAM, not sure if that is the best idea. Any advice will be appeciated.

Sorry to be so lengthy. If they are any questiions , please feel free to ask.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Get yourself into individual counselling to figure out why you keep needing to contact an ex. It will help you not matter what happens. Don't give up if you find a counsellor who's not a fit. Sometimes it takes a little while to jive.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

lucy mulholland said:


> Get yourself into individual counselling to figure out why you keep needing to contact an ex. It will help you not matter what happens. Don't give up if you find a counsellor who's not a fit. Sometimes it takes a little while to jive.


We are both into IC(with the same C), W does not want to do joint counseling, yet. We did do the MC together when we separated the first time; but pressure at my job(to keep it) made me decide not to go after about a year. W has continued to see the IC while I sat to the side watching my M erode away I was too blind to see it. I took it for granted that she would always be there.

I really want this marriage to work out, but am concerned whether she does or not. She's told me that she still loves me but just within the past few days she has become kinda cold and distant.:scratchhead:

Anyway it's getting late and I really need to get some rest. I appreciate your thoughts lucy.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Stop lying to her, if you can't resist contacting the ex, you need to let your wife move on with her life.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

The counsellor is seeing both of you. What is his/her does he/she suggest?


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Frostflower said:


> The counsellor is seeing both of you. What is his/her does he/she suggest?


Right now she is suggesting that I abide my wifes' wishes and to give her the space she is asking for. Cause my method of begging her to let me come back is NOT working out like I had hoped. I'm trying my best to do the 180 that is suggested here but it is so hard because of my 2 boys involved; plus we still go to the same church together. So I see her, her sister, and her mom every Sunday.

I just got through spending a wonderful weekend with my 15 year old son at Myrtle Beach and you would think I would be happy. Well, all it did for me was just reaffirm how bad I want us to be back together as a 1 unit family. I know the boys miss me cause the other day my youngest boy told my wife that she was the ONLY one that didn't want me to come home

As far as the lying is concerned; that has stopped. I have had NO contact with the ex in the last 18 or so months. I have no way of contacting her anymore nor do I have any desire to contact her! I know that is what caused all the problems to begin with.

I'm still hoping that I can convince the wife that if we would see the MC together, that we can resolve any underlying issues that may exsist and that God will restore this marriage as it was meant to be!

Again, any advice is always welcome! Thanks


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You cannot convince her of anything. What lead to you having an EA with your ex to begin with?


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> You cannot convince her of anything. What lead to you having an EA with your ex to begin with?


Short story:Facebook(deleted my account 2 years ago)

Long story: EX and I had no contact since I broke up with her my senior year in High School until I got on Facebook about 3 years ago. Everything started out ok at first until she told me that she thought she had married the wrong man(red flag right there I know). I should have cut it off right there but there was still something intriguing to me I guess, so we kept making contact with each other.We never did get to see each other in person and I know that doesn't make what I did any better.

Even before all this happened though, my wife kept being distant from me and explained it all on job stress(She really does have a stressful job). So between that and the intrigue and the newness of my "friendship" with my ex, things went from bad to worse when I started to try and cover up conversations between me and the ex. Wife caught me in the lie and told me that if only I had told her the truth about everything that she could have forgiven me. She now says that she has forgiven me but that she can't forget about it.

I have had NO contact with the ex in 18 months or so now and have no plans to do so and have told her that. She just says that it is still hard for her to trust me again. But my feeeling is that when you have truely forgiven someone, that it is time to let the past be just that- the past! Let's move on with the future and continue to raise our family the best way we know how.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

RockyRoad48 said:


> Short story:Facebook(deleted my account 2 years ago)
> 
> Long story: EX and I had no contact since I broke up with her my senior year in High School until I got on Facebook about 3 years ago. Everything started out ok at first until she told me that she thought she had married the wrong man(red flag right there I know). I should have cut it off right there but there was still something intriguing to me I guess, so we kept making contact with each other.We never did get to see each other in person and I know that doesn't make what I did any better.
> 
> ...


And in a perfect world, this would be true. However, in the real world, this is a very simplistic view. I forgave my H for leaving me and having a relationships with OW. Have I forgotten? Most of the time. But there are moments when it comes crashing back. Memories can be triggered by the smallest thing....the smell of his aftershave, which I have always loved.....did he wear it for her?....passing the place on the highway where I was when he told me over the phone that he had left.....the sound of his heartbeat when I put my ear against his chest....did she listen to it too? 

I don’t harp on what happened. In fact, the only times I have mentioned it were when the triggers were so strong that I needed to explain my reaction to my H.

You don’t forget. You may trigger less or not as severely as time goes on. But you don’t forget.

And I’m not sure we should. The separation is part of my H’s and my story. We are stronger because of it. We appreciate each other more. And we are committed to never letting it happen again.

Don’t expect that your wife will forget. That is unrealistic. The memories will always be there. The most you can hope is that forgiveness will lead to a better marriage, memories and all.

Forgetting is not essential. Forgiveness is.

And trust? I love my H, but my trust in him is damaged. It will take time to rebuild it. It is getting better, but it will likely never be the same as it was. He made a mistake. You made two mistakes. Don’t ever think that it all went away and that everything is hunky-doory just because your W said she forgives you. It is a false expectation and it is not fair to her.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Possibly the counsellor your wife sees has rehashed the past too much, so your wife is still living it now. That and adding, "What should you do for YOU?" a few times too many. Now your wife wants to see how happy she can be without you.

Ask your wife if she can paint a verbal picture of her ideal marriage to you. If you can get that image in her head enough she might stick around.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

MSP said:


> Possibly the counsellor your wife sees has rehashed the past too much, so your wife is still living it now. That and adding, "What should you do for YOU?" a few times too many. Now your wife wants to see how happy she can be without you.
> 
> Ask your wife if she can paint a verbal picture of her ideal marriage to you. If you can get that image in her head enough she might stick around.


I will mention that to the counsellor the next time I go. That does sound a bit familiar.

As far as painting the verbal image of the ideal marriage; I don't she would be willing to answer that question at this point. The only real conversations that she wants to have right now are about the children. She does not want to discuss issues about us until the 6 months are up. My biggest fear of that scenario is that when the 6 months are up, she will say something to the effect of "you didn't even try to make things work while we were apart". So to me, it's kind of a catch-22 situation: If I persist in asking her for me to come back, the further she pushes away; but if I don't try to show her how much I do love her, she'll think that I don't care about her


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Frostflower said:


> And in a perfect world, this would be true. However, in the real world, this is a very simplistic view. I forgave my H for leaving me and having a relationships with OW. Have I forgotten? Most of the time. But there are moments when it comes crashing back. Memories can be triggered by the smallest thing....the smell of his aftershave, which I have always loved.....did he wear it for her?....passing the place on the highway where I was when he told me over the phone that he had left.....the sound of his heartbeat when I put my ear against his chest....did she listen to it too?
> 
> I don’t harp on what happened. In fact, the only times I have mentioned it were when the triggers were so strong that I needed to explain my reaction to my H.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing Frost. And you are right it is not fair to her! I screwed up when I should have just accepted her forgiveness and continued to love her the best way I know how. Instead, I let something creep inside of me that I just do not like one bit!!

I had a great marriage and f'd it up. I had a beautiful woman that truely loved me for who and what I am and have 2 wonderful boys that me AND the W just would do just anything in this world for!

All I can do now at this point is to give her the space that she is asking for and PRAY to God that things work out for the best.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Rocky, there are three things you did.

One is contact with the other woman. Another is lying. The third is detaching.

Contact ended? Good.

Lying....well your wife may now be unsure when you are telling the truth. You can acknowledge this to her and make a point of being open with her and giving her ways to check up on you should she want.

Detaching...hard to not detach while giving her space. Dunno what to suggest there. I would just respect her wishes but create openings for her to connect, and move heaven and earth to reciprocate if she does.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Update: Tuesday night was a great night! I picked up my youngest son from summer day camp about 6:00pm. He was sooo happy to see me and me him. Went back to the W's house and waited til she got home from work. She got home about 7:00 and I wasn't expecting to stay very long after that. But, she aked me if I was hungry and would I like to go out with her and the boys to get some pizza. Naturally, I said sure. We had a great time together; we laughed we joked, even went grocery shopping after we ate dinner. And NOT once did I bring up a conversation about us.

BUT, me being the dumbarse that I am; fast foward to wednesday night. I had taken my oldest son to the Chiropractor for his weekly adjustment while the W went to her IC. Once again I waited til she got home and wasn't planning on staying. Unfortunately, she asked me what I wanted for Father's Day and I made the mistake of saying that she knew exactly what I wanted and it wouldn't cost her a thing. WRONG,WRONG and more WRONG!!!!!

We got into a heated arguement about why she isn't trying to work things out after being together for 26 years, and why I can't give her the space and time that she is asking for. Needless to say, things did not end well and I left to go back to my place mad and disappointed. 

Almost called in sick at work today, but I figured that if I did that, I would lay around in the bed all day making matters worse for myself. At least if I 'm at work ( I hate my job ,btw) I can kind of keep my mind off of her and hopefully the day will go by faster. And that in turn, will help the weeks and 3 1/2 months that I left in this "trial" separation go by quicker. 

I just need alot of prayer and help from above to help me get through this next couple of months.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Read Dobson's Love Must be Though. The theories are similar to the 180 but the book fully explains the dynamics of letting go, building confidence and its effect on a retreating spouse. You've already got the basic understanding down but stumbled badly. You cannot use these techniques for a short time then fall back. It only reinforces her decision to leave the marriage as you've found out.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> Read Dobson's Love Must be Though. The theories are similar to the 180 but the book fully explains the dynamics of letting go, building confidence and its effect on a retreating spouse. You've already got the basic understanding down but stumbled badly. You cannot use these techniques for a short time then fall back. It only reinforces her decision to leave the marriage as you've found out.


Yep Amp I stumbled REAL bad! Gonna go by the bookstore after I get off work and see if I can find that book. Reviews on Amazon look like it's a really good book:smthumbup:

Haven't talked to her today but I do know she took the day off of work, so I must have upset her pretty badly last night.

Thanks for the advice Amp!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How are you doing, Rocky? Happy Father’s Day.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Not a very good day. W just told me she has hired a lawyer for child custody during our "trial" separation. This being dropped on me after had just the whole weekend with the two boys. Life just REALLY bites right now!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Had you both tried to come to a custody agreement without lawyers and it wasn’t working or is this out of the blue?

I hate to say it, but you probably need to get a lawyer of your own. Certainly don’t sign anything until you have spoken to one. here, lawyers give a half hour free consult. If it is the same where you are, take the agreement that your W and her lawyer come up with and get it looked at. Her lawyer will be looking out for her interests. Don’t agree to anything that you haven’t had looked at by someone working for you. The temporary agreement could maybe set the groundwork for a permanent custody agreement should you end up divorcing. Protect yourself.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Frostflower said:


> Had you both tried to come to a custody agreement without lawyers and it wasn’t working or is this out of the blue?
> 
> I hate to say it, but you probably need to get a lawyer of your own. Certainly don’t sign anything until you have spoken to one. here, lawyers give a half hour free consult. If it is the same where you are, take the agreement that your W and her lawyer come up with and get it looked at. Her lawyer will be looking out for her interests. Don’t agree to anything that you haven’t had looked at by someone working for you. The temporary agreement could maybe set the groundwork for a permanent custody agreement should you end up divorcing. Protect yourself.


Pretty much came out of the blue; just like this whole separation thing 3 months ago. We had discussed her keeping the kids at the house so as not to disrupt their lives as little as possible. But she said that i could have the kids anytime I wanted them.

I guess the final straw of her retaining a lawyer was the other night when I was begging and pleading to come home and asking her to please try and make this marriage work. I know now after reading the first 8 chapters of Love Must Be Tough that was not the right way to go. VERY good book btw.(thanks AMP) 

Know she claims that I have been saying bad things about her to the boys and that I come up at the last minute of wanting the boys for the weekend. Granted, it was Fathers Day this past weekend and it was Wednesday when she asked me what I wanted for Fathers' Day. I let her know Thursdaythat I wanted the boys for Sat. night and all day Sunday. Didn't think that was too unreasonable.

Anyway, guess I will be digging into OUR mutual fund acct like she did and start looking for a lawyer also!!

Thanks for the reply and advice Frost!

Hope everyone out there has a good day!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Keep reading the book, Rocky! 

Wanting the boys this weekend shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her. It was Father’s Day after all. She should have offered that you have them. And she did ask what you wanted and you told her. If she is now claiming it was too short notice, well too bad.

No more begging, okay?


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Frostflower said:


> Keep reading the book, Rocky!
> 
> Wanting the boys this weekend shouldn’t have come as a surprise to her. It was Father’s Day after all. She should have offered that you have them. And she did ask what you wanted and you told her. If she is now claiming it was too short notice, well too bad.
> 
> No more begging, okay?


You got it Frost!!:smthumbup:

Just got through having lunch with the W and I think I might have gotten her to call off the lawyer. Not positive, but it was a nice lunch with no arguing no pleading no begging. We actually held hands for a little bit while we were waiting for our food. We did discuss me having the boys one night a week and then every other weekend. Nothing set in stone of course but I do feel like it is a good beginning.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

That sounds positive, Rocky. I’m glad.


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## RockyRoad48 (Jun 7, 2013)

Thanks Frost. Things have gone really good this week! I got to spend alot more time with the boys this week than I anticipated. Spent Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings at the house with the wife and the boys. No arguing, no pleading, just some good quality family time together. Even after the boys went to bed, W and I spent most of the evening talking. Good positive conversation!

Man, I'm really going to miss them this weekend! At least I will get to see them for a few hours at church on Sunday. 

I really do recommend the book *Love Must Be Tough *by James Dobson. It has been such a help to me this week(thanks again Amp).


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