# Need advise. What do I do now? Nobody to talk about this with.



## help3026 (Sep 28, 2015)

Hello;
Here is my situation. I really need somebody to talk/vent to.

About 3 years ago, my wife re-connected with an old boyfriend from HS through facebook. They communicated back and forth.
She came home one day and told me they were having a HS reunion.

Turns out, unbeknownst to me at that time, that she was dating him.

I found out and went ballistic. She gave me all this crap about him being a long lost friend, he's having problems, just trying to comfort him blah, blah, blah. 

I found out they were actually sleeping together. 

So, I confronted her with this information, and she gave me 30 different excuses. 

I texted the guy and told him to back off and leave us alone.

Well, that caused a huge firestorm. She now has withdrawn from me, and blames me for all of this. 

So, they stopped communicating for a while.

About 2 months ago, it started up again. Not only that, but I have come to find out that this is the THIRD affair she has carried on during our 20 year marriage.

She has been sending him messages about he's the only one, I hate my marriage, etc.....

So, now I have a decision to make. Do I try and make this work, or do I just end this and move on.

This is what has been consuming me the past 2 months. I'm sooooo depressed over all this, I just can't take it anymore.

I went on one of those dating site just to "see what was out there".

Well, So far, I have over 250 responses, and over 4,000 views on my profile.

So, my dilemma is: Do I still try and make my marriage work to a serial adulterer, or do I just move on and try to find happiness elsewhere.

I'm really at my wits end now. 
I have no other place to turn and discuss this than to do it on here with strangers.

I'm hoping somebody out there can relate to what I'm going through now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

help, the problem you are facing and have faced i am guessing most of your marriage is that your wife has blamed shifted her actions on to you and others, she is a serial cheater...she does not seem to remorseful, she has not own her crap and it has been up to you to suck up and deal with it....so i have to ask you...what's it going to take for you to finally admit you married someone who will not grow up, who does not love you the way she should, and who is disrespectful of you and your marriage. she will continue to cheat on you because there has never been any recourse.


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## Workathome (Aug 30, 2014)

You should post this in the infidelity section. You will get great advice there!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Step 1: Cancel your membership on the online dating sites.
Step 2: Divorce your wife who is a serial cheater and has shown no remorse or desire to make your marriage work.
Step 3: Take at least 6-12 months to heal yourself before getting into another relationship.
Step 4: Start dating again if you want.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Yes....you D such a worthless and disloyal WW.

Expose the A's to both your families and all friends, and then file for D.

Expose to protect your own reputation so she doesn't run around painting you as a monster who is to blame for the M collapsing....and don't for a second doubt that she will do this, nearly every WS tries to rewrite marital history and blameshift the problems in the M onto the BS in order to protect their own reputation, and remember that even if you don't care what her friends/family think, these people will be around your children constantly for the rest of their lives....you don't want her blameshifting to poison your relationship with your own kids.

Also, find out if her POSOMs are M are expose their slimy a**es to their BWs.

Refuse to speak with her about anything but D, absolute necessities, or children (if you have any).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If I understand you correctly, she has cheated on you several times. If you stay married the odds are that she will continue to cheat. 

So, your choice. You can decide to accept her cheating, or create an "open" marriage, or you can divorce. Most people in your situation would divorce. Is there anything that makes divorce particularly difficult - money or kids?

Getting mad is pointless. She is not going to change. 

You don't *have* to divorce, but you should take control of your own life. Leave or stay - it is YOUR choice.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Before anything. Get your divorce. You gave her more chances then she deserved and you saw where that got you so you can always say you tried.

As far as dating sites. close the book that your in now before you open another. Makes it a lot easier in the long run. At least you wont be carrying any unwanted baggage with you into the next relationship. Not to mention that dating before the divorce can come back and haunt you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you would man up you would know what to do.

Do you like living like this? This is and will be your life with her.

You can't fix her. You could fix yourself and move on.

Your life is what you make it. 

If it were me I'd have been long gone. There are too many great women out there who don't cheat.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

help3026, sorry you are here

Do you have kids? What are their ages?
You have gotten good advice here. It is unlikely she will change so you make a choice to put up with it or divorce her, I would suggest the latter

1. expose her to family, friends, children (if old enough),. so she cannot rewrite history or turn people against you
2. Surround yourself with one or two good supportive family members or friends for what lies ahead
3. Contact a lawyer to find out what divorcing her entails, present her with the papers
4. Get yourself some IC to help you through this time as divorce can be traumatic
5. Throw yourself into work, join a gym, take a nice holiday, pursue a hobby you always wanted to
6. Only deal with your WW when it comes to official matters
7. Ask her to leave the house (you do not leave the house) as she is the one who cheated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Move on!

It's not up to you to save this marriage...it's up to her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How do you plan on working on this marriage when you have no control of your spouse?

You do however have control over what you will tolerate so stop sharing your wife and go find one that will respect this boundary.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sure. Try to get dates with the 250 women who responded plus the 4,000 potential "likes".

Really?

How will this solve anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

the guy said:


> Move on!
> 
> It's not up to you to save this marriage...it's up to her.


100% agree.

Your wife is not the person you thought she was. You never thought she was capable of lying about dating the guy. You never thought she was capable of having an affair with him. You never thought she was a serial cheater. But she did all that and likely more you don't know about yet.

Yes she was also the person you saw at home and interacted with for 20 years. But behind that was this secret life you had no idea was there. Look at the whole picture here and you will see an unrepentant serial cheater who was capable of lying to you and committing many deceptions across many years. Those are some mighty big negatives to weigh against the positives. And it is likely those positives you saw were not entirely genuine either.

I would consult with an atty to get your legal ducks in a row. Also go to the infidelity subforum for more specialized advice and ideas.

If you have kids at home still, visit the forums at dadsdivorce dot com and look for "the list" for some ideas on how to protect yourself and custody rights.

I would not say a word to her about divorce until you have talked to a lawyer and put together a solid plan. You don't want to give her forewarning of what is happening. She will use it against you.


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