# Need a man’s perspective keeping the past in the past...



## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

Hey guys! I need a man’s perspective on how to work through past issues that still cause problems in my marriage(mostly because of me) years later. We are on our fourth year of marriage and for the most part things go really well. We were on and off for several years prior to this. We had a baby at a young age before we were ready and as usual things fell through. Neither one of us were prepared. We split up and I went on raising our child alone while he continued to live his life. He paid child support with no problems at all and visitation was set up, though most of the care was from grandparents. I guess he hit rock bottom and started drinking/partying at every opportunity. He reconnected with an ex during this time and booty calls resulted in a baby. He didn’t do right by this child either and is hit with child support again.Fast forward a few years....He has grown up and I’ve grown too. We decided to give things another try. I still loved him regardless of what happened and we had a child together. I wanted my family. We get back together and start the process of making things right. We got married and settled and eventually had another child. He has turned things around completely and worked hard in becoming a great dad and a wonderful husband that I’m thankful for, but we also to wanted to make things right with his second child. We gave it our best but things did not go well. She stopped letting us be a part of the child’s life and immediately took him for more child support which more than doubled what was already being paid. I dont want to be selfish about the issue because I know the child deserves as much financial support as our two. Which has me here asking for advice on how to handle this more positively. Anytime financial issues come up it makes me angry and resentful towards him. If i want to do something with our kids or even a getaway for the two of us the response is always I cant afford it. Its the response to everything now and I honestly dont ask for much. It makes me feel like if he had just put me and our child first from the get go all this could have been different. If he had just loved me the way I did him. We work very hard for what we have and have worked even harder for our relationship. The other mother is now on her third child with a third father and doesnt work at all. Just draws her child support and lives off the third fathers income. I feel like that makes me even angrier. How can I handle this more positively and more supportive with problem solving? I want to push past my resentment of the situation. I dont want to make him keep paying for past mistakes that I know he already feels bad enough for  Thank you for any advise!


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

See a lawyer and get more custody of the child? Apart of the childs life and child support goes down 

Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

be angry with the other mum, not with your husband


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Do you work also?


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

We would love to have more time with the child. We’re just unsure how to go about it while protecting ourselves and our kids. The other mother has made accusations that are completely false to justify not letting us see the child. I have caught her in multiple lies throughout this and do not trust her. We spoke to a lawyer but weren’t given much hope. Just to keep providing support and try to have a relationship with the child when it isn’t under the mother’s influences.


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

I do.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

hereandnow87 said:


> We would love to have more time with the child. We’re just unsure how to go about it while protecting ourselves and our kids. The other mother has made accusations that are completely false to justify not letting us see the child. I have caught her in multiple lies throughout this and do not trust her. We spoke to a lawyer but weren’t given much hope. Just to keep providing support and try to have a relationship with the child when it isn’t under the mother’s influences.


Write everything down and see another lawyer

What country/state do you live in? This may help others assist further


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

We live in the US/Tennessee.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Find a real lawyer. 

Get 50/50 custody of the child. Talk with children services and see if they can help.


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Find a real lawyer.
> 
> Get 50/50 custody of the child. Talk with children services and see if they can help.


Thank you! There has to be some way we can be a part of the child’s life without having to worry about accusations.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

hereandnow87 said:


> Thank you! There has to be some way we can be a part of the child’s life without having to worry about accusations.


It will be important to write everything down with dates. Easier to throw it back in her face and watch her back pedal.

Kudos to you for doing this. Takes a strong person


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

tom72 said:


> It will be important to write everything down with dates. Easier to throw it back in her face and watch her back pedal.
> 
> Kudos to you for doing this. Takes a strong person


Thank you! It’s something that’s important to me. I want my own kids to know their sibling and have a good relationship. I really enjoyed what time we had with the child and I want her to know I will always be there for support. I just wish things didn’t have to be so complicated.


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

SunnyT said:


> Do you work also?


Yes


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

hereandnow87 said:


> Thank you! It’s something that’s important to me. I want my own kids to know their sibling and have a good relationship. I really enjoyed what time we had with the child and I want her to know I will always be there for support. I just wish things didn’t have to be so complicated.


That's life unfortunately. It's never perfect

Seems like your husband is trying his best to be there for you, perhaps show some appreciation too (I'm not saying your not). It would be incredibly difficult for him, no doubt he feels guilty everyday for the position your family is in. 

I understand from both sides, hold your head up fine. Your handling a lot, and to be so positive is a blessing to see. It's rare


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## hereandnow87 (Apr 15, 2018)

tom72 said:


> That's life unfortunately. It's never perfect
> 
> Seems like your husband is trying his best to be there for you, perhaps show some appreciation too (I'm not saying your not). It would be incredibly difficult for him, no doubt he feels guilty everyday for the position your family is in.
> 
> I understand from both sides, hold your head up fine. Your handling a lot, and to be so positive is a blessing to see. It's rare


You’re right, he is doing the best he can. He never gets mad or upset with me for feeling the way I do. Just says he is sorry and wishes he could go back and change it. I certainly don’t want to make things any harder for him. I appreciate everything he does for our family and could be better at showing it more often. After our last fight I fixed him a steak and crab leg dinner and thanked him for not suffocating me in my sleep lol We’ve managed to make it through things that should have tore us apart. I just want to support him and keep moving forwards, not backwards.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Life is not fair. The best way to handle these sorts of things is to simply accept the reality of it. This is the man you chose to be your husband and the father of your children. So deal with it. I don't say that lightly. I know it can be hard... but deal with it.

As he says, he cannot change the past. But what you and he do have control over is how you handle all this now. Your anger at him for something that he cannot change is just counter productive.

You can see a lawyer about increasing the time he has with his daughter. A good lawyer will tell you how to deal with the accusations.

Keep in mind that while the mother's attitude is a problem for you, it's also a problem for the child. Can you imagine what that woman puts the child through?

Be thoughful of the child and do not put her in the middle of a battle that will hurt her more than it does her mother or her father... or your children.


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## confusedlov (Apr 16, 2018)

My advice would be to not focus so much on your husbands flaws. It sounds like your husband has made the right choices and is loving you to the best of his ability. Yes if he would have done that from day one you would not be in this situation. But he has changed his life for the better to be with you and your child and provide you with his better self. 

Don't dwell about the past, be excited about the present and the future you will share with him and your family.


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