# Married 31 years but?



## Gustovf (Jan 20, 2013)

I have no issues in my marriage, other than I don't think I am happy. I am away from home quite a bit, sometimes a few weeks at a time and I can't say that I miss my wife. 

This is bothering me and I don't know if it is a mid-life crisis thing or if I am no longer in love. There is no infidelity and never has been. 

My wife is very clingy and is sending me love notes a few times a day. She is very dependent on me, and is VERY in love and I am not sure I can give it back. 

I can go on but I will see if I get a comments and further questions before doing so. 

Thx


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It seems like you need to reciprocate with sending her notes, flowers just calling and telling her how much you miss her. Sometimes we take each other for granted and get into a routine. Would it or does it bother you to think of her with another man? Do you think maybe you should try to set aside some time to rekindle what seems to have become routine and boring?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In order to keep the feelings of love alive in a marriage, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things in which they enjoy?

It sounds like you have not been getting that time. So it's understandable that you have lost the 'in love' feeling.

How long have you been spending so much time away from your wife?


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Love in the beginning comes naturally, but over time passion fades then it becomes a choice that we make and have to work at.


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## Gustovf (Jan 20, 2013)

Sending her notes and or flowers is not something I feel like I want to do. 

I don't think it would bother me if she were with another man. 

To elaborate a bit further into relationship. My wife has health issues (nothing terminal, or life threatening), but it keeps her going to Dr's weekly and close to home. 

My wife is fearful and aware that she is pretty much dependent on me. Not from a physical taking care of her, but for basic everyday needs (money, shelter, insurance, vehicle, etc)

There are no $$ issues with the scenario above. 

If I were to leave she would be shattered and I am not sure what she would do. I have also never even talked about any of this with my wife in fear for how she might react and how much it would hurt her.

I would give everything I had to make her happy and as healthy as she can be. In that way I don't ever want to see her hurt, but is this love? 

I guess I feel like I am being held back from doing or going pretty much wherever I wanted to. I have a very flexible but stressful employment situation.

Again there is much more to add but I may be starting to get too specific already.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

How long have you been feeling this way? Is there someone out there that you do feel a spark for?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'll be blunt. Have you been faithful to your wife and marriage?


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## Gustovf (Jan 20, 2013)

No desire / spark for anyone else.

Faithful to wife and marriage = yes (not sure what "and marriage" means). Either was the answer is yes.

That's why perhaps I was thinking I am just going through something weird like mid-life crisis.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Possibly your wife's "clingyness" and dependency on you has pushed you away from her. But a couple of things to consider... Before you think of doing anything drastic, don't you think it would be only fair to give marriage counselling a chance? After all, you have an investment in your relationship of time and money... 

Second, do you really think that leaving her would actually make her happy? Or your unhappiness with your marriage a symptom of a bigger problem? I think in a lot of cases, people can leave a marriage thinking it will solve their problems, but they just take their problems with them, because the problem is with them, not the marriage. In which case, individual counselling might be in order. Preferably (again) before leaving the marriage.

C


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

How long have you been feeling this way then? Are you empty-nesters with different ideas of what this phase of your life should look like?

You're not saying anything bad about her, so I'm guessing she's a lovely person, and what you need is for her to break out of her rut, do some exciting things with you, and help you fall in love with her all over again? Is that accurate?


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It does seem like you have become disenchanted with her because she relies on you too much. Almost like if she were more independent and able to provide for herself a little more you may look @ her differently. Maybe find out if she can get a part time job. It may make her feel more a part of the world and give her the confidence so she is not so dependent on you. You need to get that desire and romance back into the relationship. Are you still attracted to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

My guess is that you also feel trapped and cheated in that you have been held back due to your wife’s clinginess and dependency.

You are at a dangerous point because you stated




> “I don't think it would bother me if she were with another man.”


You are so desperate to get free from her that you are thinking about situations that no healthy man would consider.

You and your wife need help now before you do something that will be very damaging to your marriage. You need to get a good professional person that deals with your type of problem and you need to be very open. You seem to hold things in for some reason and that is a slow destroyer.

I am not a professional but I would bet money that a professional would tell you that you can get a LOT better. You owe it to yourself to at least give therapy, counseling, help a try. We send thousands on our cars/trucks and they are worthless after 31 years. *Your well being is worth a few hundred dollars to find out if you can get a LOT BETTER! You are worth a lot more than a car or truck*


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

After a number of years in a routine we can start to feel boxed in. When we were younger, we had lots of options open to us, but we made choices (job, marriage, parenthood, house etc.), and those choices then became the reality that now defines our lives and, to a large extent, confines us. This can start feeling stale.

It sounds like you would benefit from doing something new and fresh. Maybe she would enjoy doing it with you? Explore a mutual interest, take a course together, start a new hobby together. It would give you time to connect, more to talk about, some fun and laughter...good for you individually and as a couple. It can help revive the old spark.

It does sound to me like you care about your wife's well-being (and yes, that _is_ love) but that there is an imbalance in your relationship. She is reaching out to you and is looking for a response. It doesn't have to be flowers and love notes if that isn't your style.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Routine kills relationships. Couples that play together stay together.


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## Gustovf (Jan 20, 2013)

I am going to attempt to address the last 3 or 4 posts.

*PBear*
Possibly your wife's "clingyness" and dependency on you has pushed you away from her. But a couple of things to consider... Before you think of doing anything drastic, don't you think it would be only fair to give marriage counselling a chance? After all, you have an investment in your relationship of time and money...
_I think this is an accurate statement on your part. I would not leave without some attempt to resolve (even if the issues are with me). I am not adverse to seeking help. _

*northernlights*
How long have you been feeling this way then? Are you empty-nesters with different ideas of what this phase of your life should look like?

_We are not empty nesters in the pure sense, but could be. Like many folks our age we have a young adult that works about 35 hours per week still at home. He is a great kid but pretty much works and stays on the computer every other non waking moment. 
I also provide support for him/her (all bills) but I am going to start charging a monthly fee in Feb. _ 

You're not saying anything bad about her, so I'm guessing she's a lovely person, and what you need is for her to break out of her rut, do some exciting things with you, and help you fall in love with her all over again? Is that accurate?
_My wife is the most caring, generous, empathetic person I have ever met, probably to a fault to her on health issues.
I have noted this previously but her chronic condition (pain) does not allow her to whisk away at the drop of a hat. _

*Cogo123*
It does seem like you have become disenchanted with her because she relies on you too much. Almost like if she were more independent and able to provide for herself a little more you may look @ her differently. Maybe find out if she can get a part time job. It may make her feel more a part of the world and give her the confidence so she is not so dependent on you. You need to get that desire and romance back into the relationship. Are you still attracted to her?
_
Your comments are on track, but she has tried to work several times and her health issues have not allowed her to do so with any regularity._
_
To your point, I was speaking with her yesterday and she was in tears because she is saying she cannot live without me and she misses me too much (I am in the last weeks of a 3 week trip). This did not help me, I said that she needs to be able to fend for herself and I may not always be around. She was balling, and this hurts me. _

*Mr Blunt*
My guess is that you also feel trapped and cheated in that you have been held back due to your wife’s clinginess and dependency.

_Trapped yes, cheated is a bit strong as I can always make a change to control my own destiny. _

You are at a dangerous point because you stated
You are so desperate to get free from her that you are thinking about situations that no healthy man would consider.
_This was probably a bit harsh and rushed on my part. It was one of my first notes and talking about this with you all has helped me see things from different angles.
_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not weird.
In order to maintain a loving bond in a marriage, you have to spend significant time together.  During that time together, you have to meet her emotional needs and she has to meet your emotional needs.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Has your wife's health problems prevented her from doing some sort of work outside the home, having friends & hobbies separate from you? Is she physically able to take care of herself or are you in a caretaker role?

Has she been clingy your entire marriage? 

It does sound like you love her but don't like her too much right now.

You say you don't want to talk to her about your unhappiness but she does deserve to know & have a chance to make changes to save the marriage.


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