# Should I confront WH with new info? (MC next Thurs)



## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Hi, I am looking for a small bit of advice. WH told me last week his feelings for me died, essentially gave me the ILYBINILWY speech one year after DDay1 and NC for about 6 mos. Agreed to MC. But in the process, I logged on to his email and found that he is shopping again. He has been trying to initiate a "friendship" with a new woman on FB. Frankly, I think he freaked her out and I don't think she is interested, but it's only a matter of time before someone bites. He had made a commitment to not have private messages on FB with women, and he had been doing okay until about mid May.

My question is this, should I reveal to him that I know about his shenanigans or do I save this for our 1st MC session? I really do not relish the idea of surprising him with this at MC, but on the other hand I can't talk to him about anything right now as he just gets mad at me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Do you want the match to turn into a forest fire? I say you better bring it up. Remember after everything came out he was to be open in all ways. The includes passwords, phone ,etc.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

The bigger question is: Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to reconcile? 

Your husband is being utterly selfish. He has lied about messaging other women, and he's clearly looking beyond your marriage to get what he wants. He's wandering, and I honestly don't see why you should bother pursuing him.

Sure, if you want _try_ and work things out, then I say confront him. But I think you should be weighing your options. He already told you outright that he doesn't love you any more. What more do you need to hear?

Find yourself a man who can commit himself to you. You deserve better.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Jibril said:


> The bigger question is: Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to reconcile?
> 
> Your husband is being utterly selfish. He has lied about messaging other women, and he's clearly looking beyond your marriage to get what he wants. He's wandering, and I honestly don't see why you should bother pursuing him.
> 
> ...


I absolutely hear what you are saying, and weigh these questions every day. My answer to that is I want our marriage to work and I want reconciliation. I strongly believe that marriage is meant to be for a lifetime and as a Christian, I believe God can change WH's heart. He definitely has been utterly selfish and a liar, and I do have my limits, but he has now agreed to MC, and I feel very strongly that I need to give him the chance to change.

If he refuses change, I am prepared to deal with that, but I not only really want our marriage to work, but I also feel like I would be going against what I feel is right if I didn't give this a chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I completely agree with you in respect to marriage. I believe that marriage is _meant_ to establish a life-long covenant. The issue with your marriage is that your husband does not share your commitment. There is only one person in your marriage as of right now - you. Your husband has checked out, and is not respecting you or the marriage he vowed to uphold. 

You should _not_ feel obligated to preserve such marriage. You're only hurting yourself, and it's outright _tragic_ to know that you (and others like you who post on these forums) have such a strong moral backbone, only to be committed to a callous miscreant.

God cannot change your husbands heart - his heart is his own, and he is free to choose and love whoever he wants. Sadly, he chose to neglect you and offer his heart to someone else. Only your husband can change himself. Giving him another chance to work on the marriage is wonderful and virtuous on your part, but it only helps the marriage if _he_ makes the effort to commit. 

The trap a lot of betrayed spouses seem to fall into is that they give their wandering spouse _far_ too many chances. Cheaters don't respect "chances." They don't respect your virtue or kindness, either. If you want your husband to respect you, you need to be prepared to move on with your life without him. You discovered his infidelity a year ago. You gave him the chance to redeem himself and earn your trust. You gave him the chance to work on the marriage. 

Has he? I am willing to bet that he has not. And now he throws your "chance" in your face by telling you that he no longer loves you - hinting that he is giving up on your marriage. And you want to give him _another_ chance? Virtue is one thing, but foolishness is quite another. I think you're being far too lenient and patient. This is a matter that is _literally affecting your life_, and your husband could not care less. Agreeing to go to counseling will not fix the marriage any more than confronting him about the private messages will. Him wanting to fix the marriage will.

I ask you again. Why do you want to stay married to him? Nevermind God, or your family. Why do _you_ want to be with this cruel and selfish man? What is he offering you that is so fulfilling that you cannot bear to divorce him from your life and establish a new and stronger marriage with someone who is more genuinely devoted to you?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It would be more effective to mail the new woman warning her that your husband is a practiced adulterer , hopefully she is married and you can copy her husband or SO in. If she is innocent she will drop all communication with your H and will spread the news of his tactics.

At this stage I think MC is a waste , you will achieve a better outcome by drawing up a set of marital boundaries that he commits to , his actions and keeping to these will enable you to make a decision on any future MC.

Give him the book "his needs her needs" by Harley , again his willingness to read and implement the items suggested in the book will give you a measure of his willingness to R. He has to want to R , no one can force him , your requirement is to know if your being messed around by your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, me2pointoh! If only your husband was as kind, good, truthful and as faithful as you are. 

But he isn't, is he?

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Why bother with MC when your husband is looking for a date?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Posse said:


> Why bother with MC when your husband is looking for a date?


:iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell you WH not to come to MC until he is ready to change for him self. You on the other hand are go but not for the marriage but for support in ending it.
When he asks why tell him you don't want to up set him.
When her says he won't get upset then tell him why.
When he gets upset anyway, then tell him your tired of his lies.
When he tells you hes not lying then tell him he just lied about getting up set and walk away.

BTW, at the end of this convo,it would be a good time to ask him to leave. He may not but the statement alone shows him how confident you are in letting him go if he continues to look for OW.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

I so appreciate the responses here. It is hard to answer you, because I know that so many here on TAM believe wholeheartedly that there is one set of events that remain the same even through many different circumstances.

I want to reconcile because I made a commitment to love and honor my husband, and that doesn't just fly away because he has done something incredibly stupid, cruel, hurtful, or anything. I am not blindly going along with rose colored glasses, I am very well aware that if he continues down the path he is on, we will not have a marriage, and I am facing that hard truth.

I chose to be with him many years ago and love him, just because. I don't love him for what he gives me, I love him for him. Of course I won't share him but I believe that at the point where we are, we are salvageable. My opinion may very well change, as I know so many of you are betting on.

I am also aware that I am part of the problem. Part in that he was struggling with what he was not receiving from me for a long time and part in that I did not push marriage counseling or other outside help sooner when I knew it was needed, even before the EA. Yes, I know the EA is 100% on him, but I would be setting myself up for disaster if I didn't face my own actions that helped cause this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think it might be best to save for MC, if you can't currently have a non-angry discussion about it. But I would agree that if he's fishing, it's only a matter of time before he gets a bite. And keep in mind that FB is only one source of fish...

I would agree with some of the other posters that he doesn't seem to be truly remorsefull for his actions and decisions. And trying to rebuild a marriage singlehandedly is a very difficult process. I say that as a spouse who cheated on his wife, btw. Not as a spouse who has been cheated on.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You're essentially telling us you'd like to R with someone
who is making a mockery of your boundaries, vows, love and emotions.

He doesn't think of you as his trophy fish, otherwise he wouldn't be fishing elsewhere.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

So, an update. After trying to singlehandedly fix our marriage, and attending marriage counseling with my H, sometime around our 22nd anniversary I realized that he was never going to make the effort to work on our relationship and things were never going to change. I started entertaining the idea of divorce and began emotionally detaching from my husband. We've now started actually discussing divorce as inevitable and are both determined to be civil to eachother. 

I have a lot of mountains to overcome in order to make this happen. My biggest fears are that my children have been raised in a very tight knit community of Christians and homeschooling families who will not approve of our divorce. My husband and I would both prefer to leave out any ex-bashing, and I am wondering if that is a stupid choice on my part. I don't want to bash my husband but I also wonder if the kids need to know the why behind the split. They are all teens and older.

I also cannot go anywhere until I earn an income, which I am diligently working on. Until then, we are in the same room still and basically getting along ok, as usual. I have gotten over the pain of what he did, at least it feels that way now. I told him I didn't care what he did on Facebook anymore, or who he talks to. It simply no longer phases me.

And I have come to terms with divorcing, though I know most of my friends won't agree and will eventually not be friends anymore. For me it is that he broke the marriage covenant. Pure and simple. There may not have been sex but what he gave to another was the foundation of our relationship, and he killed it. I have mourned the loss and am moving forward.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

me2pointoh said:


> My husband and I would both prefer to leave out any ex-bashing, and I am wondering if that is a stupid choice on my part. I don't want to bash my husband but I also wonder if the kids need to know the why behind the split. They are all teens and older.


The truth is bulletproof.

It is not bashing to tell the truth. On the contrary, to conceal is to lie. To minimize is to deceive. 

So therefore we do not embellish. We do not add pejorative terms. We tell the straight-up truth.


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