# Inlaws bleeding me to death.



## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Sorry that this is my first post, but I stumbled across this site whilst looking for advice ref my in-laws.
I guess I should start at the beginning.
Myself and my wife are happily married for 14 odd years. 
1 12 year old son. Both work professional jobs.
I am from the UK, wife is American.
We moved back to the US about 11 years ago.
All was fine for the first couple of years, but there was this constant background animosity between my FIL and MIL I guess they were never really happy.
They are in their 70s.
About 9 years ago the FIL stops working and they 'discover' that they can no longer afford their home in S FL.
They don't want to live together so look for suitable alternatives. 
They manage to sell the house that they have lived in for 35 years and realize $30K from a $300K sale. (Should have figured out then)

Somehow the family decide that the MIL will purchase a condo on the intercoastal in S FL (1 bed room) No idea what the FIL will do.
Wife has 4 siblings.
The thought is put forwards that we (me and my wife) will buy the condo as we are the only ones with credit. (Again should have seen the signs)
I am dead against it from the start and want no part of the whole deal.
Wife and sister ‘convince’ me that it's a great deal, housing is booming should be a nice nest egg. Sister agrees to pay half the mortgage; FIL will pay the monthly condo fees.

About this time FIL has a near death health event and cannot care for himself. I agree he can move into the spare room in our home. We really all thought he would only live a few months.

So we go ahead, FIL moves in, condo is purchased 20K down from the in-laws we mortgage the rest.
We stop paying into our retirement to make the payments.

Move on 2 years. FIL still living sister goes into bankruptcy stops paying half mortgage.
FIL is on reduced SS so stops paying condo fees.

So here we are 8 years into it all and we are paying $1250 every month plus $3k in taxes and the odd $1000 'assessment'

We have spent the last 24 months getting debt free via financial peace, now working on 6 months emergency fund.

All seems rosey, not so. Wife now has no relationship to speak of with her mother; I have no relationship with either of them.

Condo is now worth about 80K. 

I am so resentful. We had plans for our future and I can't see a way out. 

Really just glad to start writing this down but the resentment is eating me away and starting to affect my health.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thanks


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Sorry about your situation. 

Irresponsible parents are putting their burden on their children. They crush their children's life!

I have a father who is irresponsible too! We are unlucky that we have this kind of parents.

Just a few years ago, I still kept on asking myself why I had a father like that! 

Now I just don't think about this anymore. I do what I have to do, so my conscience is not eating me!


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Thanks for the reply,
Advice? I am not really sure what I am after. As mentioned, just writing this down helps.
It's a difficult battle for me, I never really expected to have to take care of parents. It's funny, it's not something that comes up in an early relationship. 

We are coping I suppose. We both are practicing Christians and try desperately to 'Honor your father and your mother' Love your neighbor like yourself. But I fell like I fail because I resent having to pay so much out every month to support them both.
It would be nice if her siblings were to step up, but they don't. Why should they when it's all taken care of for them.

They are what I would call toxic parents. We are in a constant battle with them ref finances. They both get SS but spend more than they take in. The FIL is presently going through bankruptcy. He wanted us to get a Credit card for him saying he would pay the monthly payments.. No chance. The MIL wants us to refinance the condo and give here the initial 20K back. Bearing in mind she has live there for going on 8 years without paying any rent. 

The sister in law also wants her 3 years of contributions back  One day maybe.
Do I need advice? I think I need family therapy


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

When money is involved, family is not family, friends are not friends. A lot of family members become worse than strangers because of money issues. 

Have to be clear! 

Give what you can give, and tighten your belt when you have to!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Say NO!

Loud and often.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

MikeYoung said:


> You actually are probably correct about the family therapy! As far as the giving her 20k back, no chance! I would suggest the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a great way to figure out how to respectfully set boundaries in your relationships. Good luck with everything.


Thanks for the book suggestion.
Now have a copy, time to read.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

So here we are 2 years later and no change  
Tried a few things read the boundaries book. It helped, DW suggested therapy. We went to 3 sessions. I felt it helped but DW was very unhappy when it looked liked like the sessions were turning around to her issues with her family. She thought it was my fault. So we stopped going. 
Honestly just waiting for her parents to die. I see no way things will ever change. I love my wife but struggle daily with the resentment and hate of her parents. I can barely stand to speak to them. Also feel the same towards her siblings. They struggle to lift a finger to support their parents. To be honest I have considers going back to the UK to escape these leeches. 
Always good to vent


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Oldmatelot said:


> So here we are 2 years later and no change
> Tried a few things read the boundaries book. It helped, DW suggested therapy. We went to 3 sessions. I felt it helped but DW was very unhappy when it looked liked like the sessions were turning around to her issues with her family. She thought it was my fault. So we stopped going.
> Honestly just waiting for her parents to die. I see no way things will ever change. I love my wife but struggle daily with the resentment and hate of her parents. I can barely stand to speak to them. Also feel the same towards her siblings. They struggle to lift a finger to support their parents. To be honest I have considers going back to the UK to escape these leeches.
> Always good to vent


If you say their leeches, I have to believe you! Nobody WANTS to say this.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I make it a point to NEVER loan money to anybody. If somebody needs help and I can afford it, I'll just give it to them. If they find a way to repay it, fine. If not, then that's fine, too.
Going on paper for others is the surest way to ruin.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

hookares said:


> I make it a point to NEVER loan money to anybody. If somebody needs help and I can afford it, I'll just give it to them. If they find a way to repay it, fine. If not, then that's fine, too.
> Going on paper for others is the surest way to ruin.


We too operate along those lines. Wish we did 10 years ago


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just move out and rent a room somewhere. Let HER figure out how to take care of her parents without your money. That ought to wake her up.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Lol. Yea that sounds like it would work.


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## CB121 (Jan 10, 2012)

Just a minor point as US divorce law is nearly as nasty as Aussie divorce law, if you do move out, which is a bloody good idea as it sounds like your missus has the usual misguided family loyalty shtick going strong (been there, still paying it off) 
get your finances in order first, a rainy account is always a good idea


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Since your wife and you both work, why not get all of the debts/assets, and income forms required for divorce. Calculate everything, and i mean everything!! Then discuss with an attorney, as to what your possible options may be? At least that way, you are starting with what an "equitable" distribution might be with a divorce. Yes, your wifes side of the family is seriously taking advantage of you. Time to make quiet preparations should this happen. Sorry.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Some years later. FiL passed away 6 months ago or so. 
MiL still in the condo. Still not paying a penny towards it. 
Our marriage is good, great sex life, happy in our little bubble. 
Find it best not to think about the $1200 odd we pay for this condo. Honestly, hoping the MiL passes in the near future.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

yup I pray a bomb drop on my ex in laws house n kill them tomorrow too .

just don't help anymore . will never get money back .


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Oldmatelot said:


> So here we are 2 years later and no change
> Tried a few things read the boundaries book. It helped, DW suggested therapy. We went to 3 sessions. I felt it helped but DW was very unhappy when it looked liked like the sessions were turning around to her issues with her family. She thought it was my fault. So we stopped going.
> Honestly just waiting for her parents to die. I see no way things will ever change. I love my wife but struggle daily with the resentment and hate of her parents. I can barely stand to speak to them. Also feel the same towards her siblings. They struggle to lift a finger to support their parents. To be honest I have considers going back to the UK to escape these leeches.
> Always good to vent


I certainly can identlify. My inlaws treated me horribly and always disrespected me. To them I was the peniless jerk who married their daughter who can do no wrong. They loved the millionaire who married my wife's cousin and repeated asked why I couldn't be like him. It turn out this wonderful millionaire guy was abusing his wife (the cousin). I may not have been a millionaire but I saw to it the bills were paid, my wife and children had a house and food on the table...but that made me a jerk. I'm sorry if this sounds disrespectful but I'm so glad they both passed away. 

I had a similar story with counselling. My wife insisted that we go and when the counselor, after relentlessly going after me, suggested that she may have some fault in our bad marriage to, she stopped going. 

I think you might want to consider leaving the whole situation and going back the UK. It's probably the only way you'll get any peace.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Oldmatelot said:


> Some years later. FiL passed away 6 months ago or so.
> MiL still in the condo. Still not paying a penny towards it.
> Our marriage is good, great sex life, happy in our little bubble.
> Find it best not to think about the $1200 odd we pay for this condo. Honestly, hoping the MiL passes in the near future.


Can you at least claim her as a dependent on your taxes??


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

No I doubt it. She gets a couple of thousand $ per month in SS payments. So pays her own bills ect, just not the property.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Will you be inheriting that condo? If not, you may have legal recourse when she passes on.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

The condo is in my name fully. But that's not worth the $100k we have paid over the past 10 years. It's only worth 90K now.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

At least you are only about 10k under compared to sale value...I would snowball this thing until you can about break even after fees and etc..and dump this place, ditching the $1200 a month payment. Good God!

As for MiL...I'm sure you'd hate to push her out of the condo you need to sell. Can she afford a reasonable rent elsewhere...or is there a possibility she can move in with you? I know that may be really pushing things and it's great that you are looking after MiL, but this is still a lot of risk.

Either that or Mil is going to have to be okay sharing the place with college students or other people renting rooms at the condo.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Lol move in with us? We just buried her husband who had lived with us for 10 years. Last thing we need is for her to move in. Worth the $$$ to keep her out. 
She has no incentive to move out, why should she. She's living rent free. Easy life. 
I lament the opportunity cost of buying this place. Imagine what I could have done with $1200 a month in a savings account. 
It's an expensive lesson. Never have financial dealings with family.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Have you discussed this with your accountant/tax specialist? There may be some write offs available.

Someone suggested renting it out to add'l persons, say a college student willing to sleep on a couch/fold out. This may be worth looking into.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Oldmatelot said:


> Lol move in with us? We just buried her husband who had lived with us for 10 years. Last thing we need is for her to move in. Worth the $$$ to keep her out.
> She has no incentive to move out, why should she. She's living rent free. Easy life.
> I lament the opportunity cost of buying this place. Imagine what I could have done with $1200 a month in a savings account.
> It's an expensive lesson. Never have financial dealings with family.


I have been in similar problems with family. Do what you have to do to take care of your wife and children. 

SELL THE CONDO. even if it's a loss. you will recover. you will also feel much better when its' gone...roughly 15K a year you are throwing out into the wind. Even if you take a huge hit..screw it. 

Send the MIL to live with one of the siblings. 

This is neither yours or wife's problem.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

I'm in agreement. We will never recover the $$ spent. Selling would be great. But have you ever tried to sell a condo in FL? Not so easy.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Send the MIL to live with one of the siblings.


Yes! If you took in FiL for ten years...wife's siblings can most CERTAINLY take in mom while you rent the house to PAYING guests...maybe even rent-to-own situation, so you can be free from it and rebuild your retirement. I don't know if $1200+ a mo is reasonable rent for the condo...but anything is better than nothing and it will help you get above water on this quicker and dump it when appropriate.

I started to suggest asking siblings to help pay to support mom's rent, but that may make things complicated when you eventually do try to sell the house...as they all will think they deserve a piece of the pie.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Parents should be there for support, not to hinder. We do not chose to be born, so to put any unwanted pressure on your children beggars belief. The only ray of light to come out of it all, is that you have probably learnt not to treat your own children in the same way. Hugs xxx


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is the real estate market improving?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Oldmatelot said:


> She has no incentive to move out, why should she. She's living rent free. Easy life.
> I lament the opportunity cost of buying this place. Imagine what I could have done with $1200 a month in a savings account.


When you ENABLE people, you take the will away from them to make an effort to improve their situations. Like you said, "Easy Life". Why bother when that would require effort and work?

Shame on you for allowing it to happen. I understand she can not afford the $1,200. Understood but there is no reason she can not contribute either. NO ONE deserves anyting handed to them, family or otherwise.

She could give you $500 a month perhaps? Hell even $200 a month if $500 is too much. SOME token so she has some skin in the game and realizes you guys are more than a paycheck. Plus believe it or not it will alleviate some of that resentment you are carrying around.

Bottomline: You have no leg to stand on complaining she's toxic when you're feeding her the poison. Sitting around waiting for someone to die is just bad karma for your soul man.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

Is your wife happy with the situation? Is she willing to help change the situation? What about her siblings?  

If the family still doesn't talk anymore because of this issue you should put the condo on the market and try and sell it. It might take a while but I'm sure eventually it will sell. Then tell your MIL that's it's now time for her other daughters to take care of her. You've done more than your share. 

You also have to put your foot down and tell you're wife you're no longer prepared to support her mother if it is not reciprocated.


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## Doorman (Mar 4, 2015)

I've been a lurker for awhile, but this got me to join up.

Its just gut wrenching. I feel for you. Its the perfect storm of financial mishap. Selling the condo seems daunting, but if you did, you might at least have a tax advantage. 

Have you looked into credit counseling services, or sprung for an accountant for advice? This really gives teeth to the idea that you should not lend to family.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

I really don't think we need credit counseling or an accountant. We use a personal budget software called YNAB. Works well for us. All our bills are paid. We have an emergency fund and cash in the bank. We're pretty comfyable. Our combined annual income is about 130K. So we're not about to starve.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

No of course my wife is not happy with the situation. 
Many years ago we went to see a marriage counselor about this issue. She knows it was a mistake and that she pressured me into the arrangement. But I have forgiven my wife. We are happy together. But we know in the back ground is her mother still feeding off of her daughters breast. 
There are 4 siblings. Not one helps financially. 1 does live close and bears the daily brunt of her nastiness. But does not pay the bills. 
This one makes close to $160k but lives in squalor. Struggling to raise her own 16 year old plus 3 grand children that she has custody of. 

As mentioned earlier. I think it's better they don't help financially. Saves having to sell up and pay them off once she does leave.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Thank you for the offer. But would respectfully decline.


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