# Unsupportive husband during pregnancy



## avp (Feb 20, 2018)

I don't know how to even start this... I'm pregnant, and my husband isn't supportive at all. I hate it and I can't deal with it. I cry all the time and he thinks I'm overreacting. He says he is supportive, I don't see how he sees that. He's always been the same. 

My first pregnancy was planned. I got pregnant right away and he was very excited. He was talking about baby names, doing things to make me feel better, wanted to buy things, right from the start. He told everyone. Then I miscarried at 12 weeks. 

3 months later I was pregnant again. He had no interest in any of it. He said he didn't want kids anymore and changed his mind. Our son was born without a name because my husband didn't want to talk about it. He didn't care how I was feeling, didn't want to do anything to help. He wouldn't touch me. He stopped complimenting me. He didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant until 30+ weeks (I didn't show much at all). He wanted nothing to do with me. Even during my labour he was barely there. He didn't bond with our son at all during the first year. 

Our son is 4, and my husband is great with him. He has never "felt bad" about the way he acted during my pregnancy. He has never let me talk about it, it gets shut down quickly. 

This pregnancy was as unplanned as can be. I had an IUD, he had a vasectomy booked, there was surprises. I was fine with more kids, my husband wasn't. My fears when I had a positive pregnancy test was going through another unsupportive pregnancy and my husband reaction. He had a bad reaction, that's all I'll say. And once again there is no support. 

My pregnancy is classed as a high risk pregnancy. It's far more uncomfortable and worse than my first. I thought maybe, just maybe, he'd get better when the shock wore off but he hasn't. These babies are making me more uncomfortable every day. My husband has no interest in names, touching me, feeling them, helping me. I asked him for a glass of water last night before he got in bed so I didn't have to get up, he wouldn't do that. The fears that I have he does nothing to try and comfort. He doesn't go to appointments. He isn't attracted to me when I'm pregnant. He chooses his friends over me when I need him. 

A close friend of mine is pregnant and her husband is amazing. He's so excited and cares so much. I don't understand why I get this. How a man can go from so supportive and so great, to utter **** as soon as I'm pregnant. It's not as if we had problems before hand. It's like a light switch. 

Two days ago we were at our cottage and had some of his friends up with us. My husband made a comment about my body that hurt my feelings, in front of everyone, he didn't intend for it to hurt me. I got upset and walked out. One of my husbands friends came out and talked to me. I ended up crying on him for close to an hour. A man that I've never really talked to and only seen 10 times or so. It felt like he was more supportive than my husband ever is. 

I don't know what I'm suppose to do. It makes me hate him and lose any feelings I had for him. It destroyed our marriage after our son, we fixed it and we were happy again, but that wound was re-opened and I don't know if it can be glued back together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You used the plural to talk about this pregnancy. Are you carrying twins?

How far along are you in this pregancy?

What you are seeing is who your husband is. He's not a very good partner, is he?

Do you have any friends or family who can help you out during this pregnancy? (Not the guy whose shoulder you cried on. Do not do that again.)


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## avp (Feb 20, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You used the plural to talk about this pregnancy. Are you carrying twins?
> 
> How far along are you in this pregancy?
> 
> ...


I am 30 weeks, twins - yes. 

He has been supportive at other times. When my mom passed away he was there for me completely. When our family dog passed away he was very supportive. On days when I just needed him he was usually there. He is always a support system for his friends when they need it. His ex, even, until I shut that down. As long as I’m not pregnant…. He’s supportive. Not perfect, but far better than now. 

I don’t have anyone. We moved to be close to my husbands family for help when the babies come. I have no family, no friends here. My husband has all his family, all his lifelong friends. I know I shouldn’t have emotionally and physically leaned on another man like that. My husband didn’t particularly care, it bothers me though. He messaged me asking if I was ok. He’s married, has a wife and kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, he's marriage and has kids. He has no business messaging you. You are vulnerable right now and he knows it. 

Do you have a job? 

Clearly you need to make friends of your own.

I wonder if your husband is afraid to get attached to the idea of a baby until the baby is really there, after birth. After all, he's already experienced the loss and knows that until that baby is born, things can happen. I lost twins at about the point where you are right now... they were still born. So I get the fear that he migh have that makes him pull back right now. It's not an excuse, just an explaination. It's really his job to work throug it.

Another think that might be happening is that you might become much more needy when you are pregnant. And it might be even worse with this high risk pregnancy where it's making you feel poorly at times. And it seems that your husband does not deal well with your neediness.

Do you live in the USA? If so, check out meetup.com. It's a site where you can meet other people and go to meetups that are for things you enjoy. Here were I live there are meetups for pegnant women and women with newborns so that they can get some extra support and talk to people going through the same thing.

You need to start finding other ways to get some of your needs met... ways that do not include another man. Does your husband know that this other man is giving you some emotional support?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I don't think your husband processed the miscarriage that started this all off. It seems to me like he's trying to protect himself from experiencing that emotional pain again if this pregnancy is lost too, by doing his best to deny your pregnancy exists. 

It seems to extend to the child afterwards too - not bonding for over a year. Like he's refusing to become vulnerable to loss by not letting himself care at all. Letting the miscarriage change his mind on wanting kids at all? He needs grief counselling or something similar.

How did he handle the death of the dog? Did he swear off buying another dog, ever? Was he ever emotionally invested in the dog in the first place?

There may be some element of resentment of you as well, for 'daring' to get (and stay) pregnant with twins after he had decided not to have more children.


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## avp (Feb 20, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Well, he's marriage and has kids. He has no business messaging you. You are vulnerable right now and he knows it.
> 
> Do you have a job?
> 
> ...


I think he was just trying to be supportive, he wasn’t making a move. But that’s not the point of posting. 

I do have a job, but I am on medical leave. I won’t be going back to work until these babies are 18 months. We moved when I was 19 weeks, and I went onto modified bedrest at 24 weeks. I transferred locations, but did not work at the new location long enough to make friends. 

I do need to make friends of my own up here. I joined a local MoM group (Mom’s of Multiple’s), but I have only gone twice. 6 of the 15 women had premature babies in the NICU, and 2 more with lifelong health challenges. Right now, it’s a lot for me to handle when I’m trying to not worry about that. To be fair to the group, it’s located in a hospital - the best hospital for premature babies in the country - so statistically it’s expected. 

I feel like the miscarriage did effect my husband, but he doesn’t ever say that it does. He never talks about the miscarriage. He’s of the opinion that a baby isn’t a baby until they are born. 

I probably do get more needy during pregnancy. I feel like I need more from him when I’m pregnant, and I’m more sensitive to the things that I already didn’t like that he does. I could cry if someone just looks at me. My MIL took our son for an overnight so I could rest, and I sat up all night crying my guts out. 

I’m not in the US. It does seem a bit sketchy to be meeting people online, to me… Especially when pregnant. 

My husband knows that he comforted me. He saw it. He didn’t really care. He wanted to know what I told his friend, but that’s really it. My husband made note of how good of a dad his friend is. Which is true, from what I’ve seen he’s always been amazing with all kids.


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## avp (Feb 20, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I don't think your husband processed the miscarriage that started this all off. It seems to me like he's trying to protect himself from experiencing that emotional pain again if this pregnancy is lost too, by doing his best to deny your pregnancy exists.
> 
> It seems to extend to the child afterwards too - not bonding for over a year. Like he's refusing to become vulnerable to loss by not letting himself care at all. Letting the miscarriage change his mind on wanting kids at all? He needs grief counselling or something similar.
> 
> ...


Our dog dying was a lot harder on me than my husband. It was my dog, I had from childhood. He passed at 17. My husband loved the dog as well, he wasn't as upset as me. However my husband did want another dog after. We got a new dog a while later. He hates the dog (he has bad behaviours were working on) and now never wants another. 

I have felt like he's resented me since our second pregnancy. We were not trying but not preventing. I got pregnant, he decided he didn't want any kids. Abortion was brought up, etc. This pregnancy was obviously totally unexpected. 

Part of my husbands reasoning for not wanting more kids, was that he didn't want any to begin with and we both hated our siblings growing up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A dog dying cannot be compared to the loss of a child. That's pretty basic.

So your husband never wanted children. He probably resents that your relationship changed more every time you go pregnant. That happens with some men. They pregnant wife becomes consumed with her pregnancy and the child(ren). So he feels he loses a good part of the connection he had with his wife. It ruins a fair number of marriages.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It sucks that he isn't there for you. 

That said, you don't NEED him. But you have to get your mind around that. Pregnancy, childbirth, child care....don't require two people. Of course its easier (maybe) with two.... but you CAN do this. 

You can't make him change. You COULD talk with him, and even provide him with a list of things you think you NEED from him. You could tell him, "Hey, I know I come across as needy. But there are a few things that I would really, really appreciate." There may be ways that he could be helpful that HE thinks show support. Such as putting together cribs, taking the little one so you can have a nap, researching car seats..... Maybe all the crying and hurt feelings is too much for him, especially with the past miscarriage. Maybe he needs concrete ways to help. 

And then you have to show appreciation for the things he does do. 

Maybe read the Love Languages book. Appreciate him in the way he needs, and approach him with ideas that you think will appeal to him. I guess, like try to win him over. Ya, you shouldn't have to. In a perfect world. But it can't hurt to come at this problem with some positivity. The stronger and kinder you appear, the better chance you have of getting what you need..... Not the ideal solution, but worth a try.

I've gone thru pregnancies, a c-section, infant care, and teen years.... without the ex's support. (times 5) Partly my fault. And ya, after the first one I got a taste of how it would be. He didn't go to Lamaze classes with me, or doctor's appointments. He didn't change diapers or go to Meet the Parent night at school. It was a crappy, viscious cycle. He'd let me down, I'd get stronger...and eventually I wouldn't have admitted to needing him for all the money in the world. At the end, I'm sure he felt "un-needed". I couldn't change him tho, I could only change me. I think because of all this, I am a strong, responsible woman.


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