# the broken heart and the super glue



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hi everyone 
I am starting my new post with a story from my beautiful boy.
I asked him if he'd like to have his birthday party at his dad's place - he said no - he'd like to have it at home - I said that dad wouldn't be able to come this year as I still had a broken heart - and he said that's ok..

then he said

"It's like you are in a big big mansion, and you are looking for the super glue - but you have to keep on looking and looking and you go through all the rooms and keep on looking - but it will take you a year because the mansion is so big and the super glue is so small..."

me - "what are you talking about?"

"well you need to find the superglue to stick your heart back together - because the glue that Dad has - it's no good for your heart anymore - but then you will find the superglue - but by then your heart will have already mended itself".....


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

wow. makes me tear up. How old is he?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

he's 8! turning 9 ...


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think you should send that to your husband to see the effects on his kid this is having..


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Same age group as my boys. my oldest just turned 10 and my youngest will be 8 soon.

It's hard for me to keep it together when I think of them. It's so unneccesary for them to go through this. they need to be with me every day...not half the time. 

Their mother is a good woman and a good mother....she's just confused and doesn't know what else to do. I could never put them through this without some monumental fracture between me and my wife.


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

LH, on that note I think those are things that I avoid doing. I don't want her to think I'm using the kids to keep her from divorce. Of course it should be a factor...a big one. But to say "look what you are doing to the kids" seems like a ploy and probably wouldn't be effective since the problem is wife-husband and not wife-kids.

Does that make sense?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Same as my boys G & B - I think accepting that they are going through this is more painful than going through it myself - just this afternoon I asked them if they still got that pain in their chest and they both said yes...my boy who ahs juts turned 11 said he had it all the time... my H has also been a wonderful father and I can't resent a minute he spends with them - in fact I sent my S11 to him an extra night this week as I feel he pines for him (my younger boy is more attached to me) - but boy it is hard not to feel so very angry and bitter - although I must admit tonight I don't


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Mine haven't said that they are hurting...we've only been separted for 3+ weeks. They are getting frustrated with having to leave their house and go to grandmas with their mother though.

You are breaking my heart with the "chest pain" comment. If this goes that route, it'll break me into a million pieces to hear them say that. heck, the tears are streaming right now


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

GB.. Her H has issues with being a NG. They tend to be some what oblivious to reality.. I understand not to pressure to stay for kids but some people have no clue what they are doing in reality..


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

That's the thing...do I keep hope alive and do the 80/20 thing in effect leaving my wound wide open for more torture?

Or do I detach and move forward to protect me from more pain?

My therapist is gonna earn her $130 tommorow.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I'm sorry - in my experience they will go through kid versions of whatever you are going through - (it has been a year for us with a 4 month return by my H in the middle - so highly traumatic) 
if it was out of the blue for you it will be for them - if you are hurting - they will be -

I only found out about the chest pain because one night after my H had left for the second time my S11 was lying in bed and he said mum my chest hurts - and I just said "I know" - it was as though we were literally feeling the same thing at the same time....

hopefully your situation will resolve itself more quickly than mine - 

I am a talker with my kids - and mine talk to me -
the younger one more so than my older - they share less with their dad because he is so much more closed - 

I think it is important that they see you being (emotionally) honest with them - don't try and pretend - in my case this was not possible - I am such an emotional person - they have seen me shed more tears than I care to remember - but they also let you know when they can't handle it....

GB you will soon work out if you didn't already know kids are way smarter than adults - their little instincts are so finely attuned - they will naturally do what they need to do to keep happy...


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Gb - many will say this - try and detach yourself from the outcome - try and accept that she will need to come to you 100% committed for it to change - until then try and remember that you are separate from her - but don't even think about giving up hope - you don't have a chance of that at this early stage - CW and I are only working on that now and we've been at it a year! 

It's all painful and it's all about you - and looking after yourself...and your beautiful boys of course!


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Knortoh-

We've tried to shield them from that to this point. I feel like I have to be their backbone emotionally and if they see dad break down it could damage them further. They need me to be strong...positive...their leader.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

GB I am sure that ewveryone handles the situation with their kids differently - but just remember tears aren't a weakness - they are part of being human - and as I said kids are smart - they 'smell' emotional dishonesty...as long as you don't use them as your support person you can still show them that you are vulnerable and yet strong. My kids are learning that strength is getting through even when you are hurting - and also seeing that after tears comes laughter....having said that it is very early days for you guys and you sound like you are working together for kids - in my case the separation was totally unexpected (according to my H even for him ) !!!!!!!! so I didn't have time to keep emotions in check...


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

GB, I agree with K. It is actually better to show your kids your emotional side and to talk with them about what is going on not just with your w, but life in general. Because this will help them grow to be be human and not a machine. By that I mean my father never talked to me about anything when I was growing up, never shed a tear, always the enforcer - not in a bad way. He did travel, but as my brother would say he wasn't there when he was anyway.

Shielding them from lifes struggles will make them weaker for that won't know how to handle things themselves. The not showing emotions can hurt as well - it can create them to be like me. I show no emotion on the outside and let it build on the inside. It isn't healthy because you are trying to be some image of what a man is supposed to be instead of just being a man. It can create a person who doesn't know how to share. 

See I've been looking in the mirror a lot and with the help of a counselor realize these things now. So don't be ashamed or too prideful to show your emotions in front of them, it is emotional honesty. Just show them you can go through it and come out on the other side. That is what is important, that you did it in front of them. You are perfectly imperfect like all of us and that is ok.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

K, your 8 year old is amazing. That was a heck of a metaphor for life he created. What are you feeding him? I need to give my son some of that as well. To be so perceptive and to put it into words like that to me is incredible.

Brings to mind a line from the movie Finding Forrester. "As so young, simply amazing writing."


----------



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks for the words, guys.

It's a hard balancing act. We have to be strong for the little ones, but it's also important to share in the process.

I have talked to them about their feelings...I ask questions. I let them know that I miss mommy and them when they are not here. I don't think they see this right now as long term...they're just kind of rolling with the current. They haven't seen me shed tears...I've had to walk into another room a couple times.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I agree with FA, that boy is pretty amazing and very perceptive. To be that young and not only pick up on what is going on but to realize what is broken (your heart) realize who holds what could have fixed it (your H's glue) but to know that that glue can no longer fix it, your heart will mend...not only is your son perceptive, but it gives testament to your strength....your 8 year old knows that you can do this K.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

GB,

Been there and done that with the other room. Don't anymore. All you can do is tell them how you feel, let the emotions come out and assure them that you love them and will always be there for them through thick and thin. 

Strange thing for me is that my father and I have actually developed the emotional bond that was missing between us during my marriage crisis. Funny how life works.


----------



## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

What a great thread!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I don't know about you guys but I am frequently in awe of my children and I follow their lead on so much stuff - I write it down because I want them to know when they grow up how awesome they were throughout this and how they helped me get through....


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I guess it is that vegemite stuff right?


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

FA - I think it is definitely vegemite and the fact that we are both talkers - so yep it's combination of vegemite and conversation...


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

That is great. Glad you write it down for posterity. They might be amazed themselves when they are older and look back on it.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Amazing child you have...give the boy a journal and let him write!

Wonderfully descriptive...

Our kids feel it too...I wish mine were more expressive.


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

could I borrow that super glue when you are done with it???

K, brought tears to my eyes too!

our girls are starting to get all keyed up about the holidays, with h im not sure how to do it...he is still such a big part of our lives...its the ups and downs that i cant anticipate!

any ideas???

the h and i have talked and want to do everything the way we always have. 

MY big question and hope is that these times will be able to remind him of the life he has...to bring him up a bit!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

lost - I think we all need a bit of super glue super fast 

I really am out of my depth when I read your posts - I so like to be able to give you some ideas - 

I don't know - if my H came back and wanted this I think now I'd juts try and go with the flow - no expectations - as though life could be over soon - all that kind of stuff....

you have kids invloved as well though...and i can see you don't want then to be disapointed - how can you possibly manage that?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Unfortunately you can't avoid the disappointment. I've been explaining that to my son. I'm like mom won't be at the big Turkey day dinner at Grandmas. But uncle B, aunt J, and Sammy and Jacob will be so we will have fun.

I've also explained to him that I won't be with him X-mas morning as was our tradition to be at our home with him sleeping in his own bed. 

I think you just have to be honest with them and adjust their expectations. If they expect normal then they will be disappointed. Yes it sucks to tell them this, but isn't more emotionally honest. I've quit hiding my sadness from my son. K as you know about my situation I now tell my son when I'm sad and angry with his mom. I don't tell him why, just that I am. I've even told him that I don't like OM1 and OM2. Just want him to understand my feelings.

That is the best advice I can give.


----------

