# Stay at home dad getting left need help



## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

Ok here is my situation, I desperately need help. 

I have been married, for 11 years, I have a 3 year old son. 5 years ago I lost my job, my wife has a great job and 2 college degrees. I do not have any college degrees. After losing my job i collected unemployment for awhile while looking for a job and did some temp work for awhile, while doing temp work my wife and I decided we would have a child, and I would stay home and be a stay at home dad. Fast forward 3 years and my wife decided I needed to go back to work to help with the bills even just part time. Given the current job market it took "too long" for me to find a job. Now she says she is angry and resentful about me bankrupting us. And she loves me but is not in love with me. And she stays out all night at least once or twice a week with excuses everytime of course. Every single person in my life says she is cheating on me. I don't care right now. 

Right now I have a horrible 35 hour a week part time job that i work from 3:30 a.m. to 9:30 a.m. 6 days a week then i come home and take care of my son all day like any stay at home parent until he goes to bed and then i sleep get up and do it again. 

My wife says we are seperated, we are not together. She wants to make it a legal seperation. Or get a divorce she keeps flip floping. I would do anything to save our marriage but she doesn't want that, she never even gave marriage counseling a try. 

She keeps telling me she doesn't want to spend money on lawyers and she wants to be civil and amicable. On tuesday morning she met with a lawyer, on tuesday afternoon I found out my father passed away and had to go out of town to help my mother with that. While i was out of town (currently still out of town) she opened her own bank account and withdrew 1600 from our checking account. She claims she just did this so that they didn't take the money for our mortgage payment. Because she doesn't want to waste that money, because we are upside down on the mortgage and she wants us to let the bank forclose and then we move into separate apartments. 

She claims that she will not have to pay any spousal support, and she doesn't think she has to pay any child support. She wants 50/50 joint physical custody. I would like full custody as I am the primary care giver and have developed an amazing loving bond with my son. But i'm afraid to fight for full custody because I am a man and en often get screwed on custody cases. We have 25k in credit card debt and no savings we live paycheck to paycheck. I have no way to pay for a lawyer. I have a 3 year gap in my resume and it will be very hard for me to get a job making more then say 12.00 an hour. 

She tells me we are going to work things out together and she's not going to screw me over but I don't know if i can believe because i'm pretty sure she's lying about an affair. 

So i'm stuck here trying to take care of my mother and get her back on her feet while my wife is at home preparing to leave me most likely without any support of any kind if she has her way. 

I don't know what to do next. I can't afford a lawyer, I don't think i'm too hard up to attract any pro-bono lawyers. She seems to think legally i'm not entitled to any kind of spousal support is that true? She says i'm not a stay at home parent because I work. And while it's true i've been working for many months now, I gave up sleeping to do that work, i didn't give up my stay at home parent duties. So legally am i still a stay at home parent or am I just a guy with a crappy job? 

While I would give my left arm for reconciliation I've been fighting for that for months and getting nowhere. At this point she's really leaving and I don't want to end up living in some welfare apartment after working for years and years to build this life/family together. We aren't rich but we live comfortably I know my quality of life will go down but I don't think it's fair for me to be knocked from middle class into a low level of poverty just because she decided that she was going to fool around with some guy from her office. I also don't think it's fair that 50% of the time my son will be living in poverty at my house and comfortably at her house after all this is said and done. 

Is there anything I can do? I'm in CT if that matters. 

Should I trust her and believe her when she says she wants it to be civil and amicable? or am I about to get screwed?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I would have to say you cannot trust her. Anybody who is having an affair is full of bull, they will say ANYTHING to get their own way. Try to find a lawyer to at least give you some advice, most will usually do that free. Otherwise, get some books at the library, I just picked up the NOLO guide to divorce there. 

Perhaps you could move in with your mother for a bit to help get you back on your feet? 

You need to get that 1600 back from her, she has to at least give you 50% of it. Keep a record of everything, receipts, bank statements - all that stuff. Just incase. 

You need to get some better job options. Have you thought about going to the local community college? There are many courses that are only a couple of months, and you may well be able to get financial aid. 

Sock away as much $$ as you can right now. Things may be hard for a few months and you need to be as prepared as possible. It will get better though.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Are you aware the child support and alimony is gender neutral? If you staid home to take care of the kids and make less than she does she will have to support you. She also has to pay for the lawyer. DO NOT DO THIS WITHOUT A LAWYER. She wants to take advantage of you lawyer up now and get ready to exert your rights. Gather all records of her salary, bank statement leaving the house and abandoning you with the kids. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE get her to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is trying to snow you. She does not have the upper hand and her threats mean nothing. Custody, she stays out all night who is the more committed parent. Full custody for the man is not impossible if the mother is unfit. Get proof of her missing in action, your position is as strong as any stay at home parent. She can't leave you with no support. When you get the lawyer and she finds out she has to pay, get ready for a battle. You will be alright. 

You will probily get support for a set amour of time and she may be ordered to pay for your schooling so you can be independent. The judge has discretion in the amount of alimony and if you have proof that she cheated and staid away from the home without telling you, the judge may be favorably despised towards you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

I don't have any real proof of her staying out all night, or proof of infidelity. I don't know how i would prove she stayed out all night, there's nothing easy like a hotel receipt or anything. 

I saw several messages on her blackberry which talked about kissing and get togethers but I don't have any proof of those. 

I'm not really sure how i'm supposed to prove any of this stuff without getting lucky or hiring someone that I can't afford to snap photos or something.

I spent the first 2 months that all of this was going on, foolishly trying to win her back and I was deluded into thinking it was possible because she was giving me a lot of what turned out to be false hope. So I wasn't in any good place to be gathering evidence. 

At this point she can't even tell me if she wants a seperation or a divorce.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Gather whatever you can, receipts, bank statements etc. If you can get to her phone forward any messages you see to your email. 

Keep a record of everything she does. "X left house at 7pm, returned at 3am" Write EVERYTHING down, what she says to you, what she does, where money goes.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I'm in the same situation. I've started keeping a log of things that go on. I have times and what not of my wife's staying out and not coming home. We don't have lawyers I know I can't afford one and neither can she. How can I get full custody of my son? Also anyone know how step children play a part? They are keeping my step son from me as well. Also I want to move back home and legally right now with a no contact I cant but I dont want to be told I abandoned my son or family


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

I'm really starting to panic about how i'm going to support myself and my son after this. I used to be a supervisor in a customer service call center, and before that I was as telephone rep. The average entry level pay of a customer service rep these days is $12.00 if your lucky 10-11 if your not. I don't think there's any way i can support myself and my son on that little money. To make matters worse we live in a very expensive part of the state and our son is about to be placed in a special pre-school program for gifted children that will be really really great for him, so I really want to be able to stay in this school district but it's so expensive to live here.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Do not move out of the house. Document her taking the mortgage money out of the bank. If she has been the earner she sill have to pay child support & alimony. 

She does not want you to know this. Thats why she has been to a layer & is telling you not to. Call somebody in the morning & at least get a free initial consult so you know where you stand. And get some books at the library. I will look in the one I just got and see if I can get any advice for you.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Have you already filed bankruptcy? You do not want her doing that afterwards, she probably wants to shaft you with it. It needs to be done before divorce so you are both free from debt & there are no surprises afterwards. 

And get proof of her affair if possible. Will help you with custody & child support payments from her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

settle down there your thinking way to far in the future. It seems your wife is fogged in so start by gathering as much evidence as you can bear.
Then expose this affair to everyone. The point is to make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible.
Once this thing is out in the open and the light of day has a chance to shine on her behavior.
Yes this will piss her off but since she has pushed away any way what does it matter? Yes the divorse will not go good but does it ever. 
My thinking is she wants a nice and quite divorce so no one knows what she has done. That is BS and there may even be a small chance that once this affair is exposed to their employeer, parent, siblings , and friends the fog my lift. Its called fighting...fighting to protect the dynamics of your family.
So as long as she is being influenced by this OM she will not see the reality of what is happen 

You must have some evidence or she will rewrite everything and turn this thing on you as the bad guy.
You must make this affair as inconvienent and as embbarrasing for her as possible by exposing it.
If her fogs lifts and she realazes the damage that this affair is causing there may be hope, or she will get pissed and leave you....wait she's leaving you any way so go for it.

Again I suggest you quitely gather some hard proof of her affair and expose it. go online there are all kinds of tools out there. For me the text messeges, phone log, and pictures worked for me. It brought the reality of it all out in the open for all to see. This taboo, exciting, suductive,and secritive behavior my wife was addicted to was no long all that, once the light of day was shined on it and the vampires crawled back in to the night leaving my wife and family alone.


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

Haven't filed for bankruptcy yet, but she has talked about it a few times. 

Unfortunately i can't really go for a consultation at the moment. I'm still out of town helping my mother, she's still a real mess. I most likely won't be home till Thursday at the earliest. That's if she improves dramatically between now and then, every time I leave her alone even to shower I come back and she's sobbing uncontrollably. 

My life is just a real mess right now, I haven't even felt like i've really had time to grieve for my father as i've had way too much to worry about between my mother and my marriage/life falling apart.

I tried to impress upon my wife how hard life will be at 12.00 an hour with no support and she seems entirely unsympathetic. Her emotions turned off like a faucet several months ago and it's like she's made of stone these days, I don't understand it but that's a whole other post.

I don't have access to her phone anymore she literally takes it to bed and bathroom with her. She doesn't use the only email account I know of to talk about the affair, she most likely uses her work email which I have no access to. 
Short of a private detective I can't think of any way I could get proof of the affair to expose it. I'd love to be able to do that. At this point she deserves it. But I don't see a way how. Especially since she is now talking about moving in with her mother after I get back from florida.

I have tried making the affair inconvenient, I work sunday mornings and she wants to stay out all night sat nights instead of watching her son sunday morning, so now she just gets her mom to babysit on sundays.


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