# Newly married and wonder if it was all a mistake



## miserable_newbie (Sep 17, 2012)

So I am new to the forum and read some situations similar to mine but I still struggle with what I should do.

I married a guy i met through my longest childhood friend. My friend was marrying this guy and the guy I married (we will call him Eiric) was his brother. 

Well I have been married 3 months and I am SOOO unhappy. I haven’t felt this way since I was in HS and suffered from severe depression. We don’t fight (that’s an issue… I believe some fighting is healthy and normal) and whenever I bring issues to him he just listens or responds timidly not really giving me any feedback. Basically when we started dating we were 25 and in the same place – dead end jobs that neither of us really liked but we were making money and that’s all the mattered. We were looking for companionship and love and found it in each other but I wonder now if I was fooling myself. We got engaged a year and a half after we met and I was happy but I had started a new job and my career was HUGE to me. I started really LOVING my job, feeding off of it and now Im a supervisor making good money and looking to get my masters degree. While we were engaged I had a lot of doubts – I wasn’t happy, I was the soul bread winner, I didn’t enjoy being intimate with him and it was more like I was just following through things to make others happy. One night I went out with friends and told them all (had a breakdown crying) and everyone told me it was cold feet and Id be fine.


During our engagement I knew Eric’s family couldn’t give us much financially to the wedding. My parents were upset by it stating it should be even, etc. I covered for Eric and his family by forking over close to 20k of my own savings for our wedding. I was upset, I held some resentment but ultimately I figured it would work out, we’d be even and we’d be ok. Well we aren’t. I am paying rent, cable/internet, groceries, phone bill and odds and ends (ie if we go out someplace or do something I always pay) – he pays the electric bill every month – that’s it besides his own bills. I pressured him when we were engaged to find a new job and he tried but couldn’t find one (nothing played out) I suggested maybe he sell some things (old truck sitting in his parents yard, old engine parts he had that were in great shape that he wasn’t using, etc) things that could pull in close to 1k. He kept telling me he would but never did. I suggested a part time job – he told me he applied places but they never panned out. 



I redid his resume, I applied to a ton of jobs for him, I told him if he couldn’t pay something to be upfront with me because it would affect our credit. I found out since we got married that he had a late car payment, an issue with EZpass and going through a toll without it and a gym membership he told me he canceled before we got married that he didn’t. I had to pay $150 out of my own savings for that gym membership which made me angry. Since then things have just kept piling up – little things he does urke me to no end and I don’t even want him to touch me (I don’t want to touch him. I have no attraction to him) and Im struggling so hard.



I haven’t been sleeping, I find it hard to concentrate and Im just overall miserable and I don’t know if this means I made a huge mistake and I need to deal with it or if this is something we can even save….


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Youre off to a very rocky start and already have found a lot of lies. I think the first sign was his unwillingness to do, well...anything, wouldnt pay bills, didnt help with the wedding. I would recommend one bank account, the whole you pay this ill pay that can cause alot of stress in a marriage and it really isnt your money or his money its the family's money.

In regards to your job im glad you found a nice career but its difficult to be a career driven business women and be married and have a family. I think you need to decide which is more important, not saying you cant be married, im just saying leave the 60+ hour weeks for your co-workers who are single or divorced. Also, ask yourself do you really love your job or are do you just not want to go home, when my wife and i had troubles our first year of marriage she would work long hours just so she didnt have to come home and deal with me and the stress of our marriage.

Personally i would recommend giving it about a year total before you make youre decision. Remember hes not the one causing all of the problems, the sooner you realize you have flaws to the better off you will be, so sit down with your husband, talk about how the marriage is on rocky ground, discuss what a happy marriage is to each of you and make a list of what each person needs to do to make things better. Try your hardest to do everything you can to make it better, and after say 6 months reevaluate. Has the marriage improved? has he done what he promised to do? did you do what you promised? If its better keep working on it, if he slacked of and didnt do what he promised or you just couldnt do what you needed to do maybe the marriage isnt important to you, so call it quits, try to get an annulment if possible or go for the divorce if necessary, dont spend the rest of your life miserable.

PS, if you ever get remarried or your friends are getting married dont spend $20k of your own money on a wedding, im always so sad to see people go overboard on a wedding that lasts a few hours and then listen to them a year later stressed about how they cant afford the down payment on a home. Go bare bones on the wedding and invest that money into your future.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

So much "my own money", "I forked out", "I was the sole breadwinner", "I helped", "I did this", "I did that"...

This is no marriage. You knew what you were marrying, but now you don't feel like limiting your options. 

Leave him. He deserves more love. You want a more ambitious guy. He ain't it.


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## miserable_newbie (Sep 17, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I am talking to him tonight when I get home and asking him to go to coulseling with me and to also achieve 3 things. 
1) make a list of where he spends all his money
2) sell the things he said he would sell for money before we got married that have been doing nothing but collecting dust at his parents 
and 3) tell me what his career goal is and how hes going to go about achieving that.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

" I haven’t felt this way since I was in HS and suffered from severe depression. "

Not to point out he obvious, but you shared...

Any chance you might want to do a little IC to see if your unhappy state of mind is just reflecting off of him?

Food for thought.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

What do you like about your husband? Anything at all? You don't say a single positive thing about him or your relationship so why would you stay?

This sounds like a situation where you got married to someone hoping he would change and now you can't accept that he isn't the person you want him to be.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him how you feel. 

You may be resentful you've shelled out all this $ but it was a choice that you made. I knwo that is prob not what you want to hear.

Still, you are disappointed w/ the marriage and have a right to voice that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You said you were unhappy with him before you married. You can't change him just because you are married. I suggest an anullment.


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## miserable_newbie (Sep 17, 2012)

thanks again everyone for the feedback.

I went home yesterday and expected him to be there so we could talk but he wasnt. I waited around til he got home (around 6:30) and even though we had been texting all day about being unhappy he acted as if nothing was wrong. I told him I was very unhappy and that everytime I tried to talk to him about it he seemed to shut me out. I had written a letter out (I lose my train of thought sometimes when he shuts down on me) and read it to him, I laid out the 3 things I wanted/needed from him and then I left and went to my best friends for a few hours. When I came home he was sulking but told me he had been out looking for jobs all night.

I am happy that he took that step but am still baffled it took me threatening me to leave for him to even remotely try. I am still unhappy but I am going to try and work at this too. I will see how the rest of the week progresses and if he moves on the two other requests I wanted (a budget of where his money is going and for him to sell his truck and other items he has been telling me he'd sell for years)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He could step up and he should. Still, if you are prone to bouts of depression, you could marry the greatest guy on the planet and you're still going to occasionally feel miserable. Whether your new marriage is a mistake or not depends on what you both do with it.


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