# Anyone with a hubby or wife who has BPD?



## KSmi (Mar 15, 2011)

Hi!

You can call me KSmi. My husband has BPD.
We've been together for a couple of years. He used to be really fun and sweet when we were just dating. However, things changed when we started exclusively dating. Things got even worse when we got hitched. Apparently, he should have anger management sessions based on how he has been acting recently. He also has a tendency to be verbally abusive at some point. On other days, he could be clingy and really moody.


I have honestly been thinking about leaving him. His added OC behaviour is tiring me out sad to say. I'd like for us to remain as friends, but I am not entirely sure that is possible. The thing is, I guess it would be best if we have him diagnosed for bpd first. Is there a way I could ask him to do it without sounding offensive?

Also, would insurance cover therapist consultations? Was thinking of contacting insurance companies from this directory, Business Insurance Directory , but I am not familiar with them. So if you also have some advise re BPD and insurance I'd love to learn more about it, too!

Thanks!


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

I have BPD and perhaps might even have some bipolar issues too. There are broad range of BPD people; there are those like me whom are very high functioning and hold very professional positions.

I am on medications, I am not afraid to medicate myself so that the therapy can work. BPD is curable, it's about knowing you have this emotional problem and that you can get better. You start by getting a therapist that knows how to work with BPD clients. You learn to know what your triggers are and not react. It takes time to teach yourself how not to let your emotions run over you and your spouse. Second get in with a shrink to prescribe meds which will help you soften down your emotions so that they are not at a level 10 all the time. And then read what I wrote below, I wish I could say I wrote it but I did not. It carry's a great deal of good advice and truths about BPD.

In my recovery process I didn't think about being or getting cured I thought about getting better, feeling better, working out my pain and learning to relate to others in an age-appropriate and consistent way. I had to work through and let go of the pain of a child in order to "grow up". If you hold on to the pain of your (inner) child and you don't heal it, it will hold you back and keep you stuck in the patterned-behavior of BPD.

Recovering from BPD is a long process of untangling issues, distorted-thoughts, reactions and misperceptions. It is a matter of undoing choices that were made either at a very young age or as the result of pain felt, needs not met, some physical and or emotional threat or trauma. Learning to understand how you make choices, and why will enable you to then take responsibility for yourself, your choices and your actions no matter what the reason you perceive as the cause of them. This is the cornerstone to healing from BPD put simply - PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

Recovering from BPD (or not) is a choice. For most borderlines the issues that need to be worked through are numerous, interwoven and interconnected. These issue may not all have the same cause. Therefore the best way to from BPD is to adapt an ecclectic approach. Find what works for you, what has meaning for you and allow yourself to continue to challenge your pain and perceptions.

BPD cannot be cured with a pill. BPD cannot be cured by therapy alone. BPD is overcome, or defeated and rendered in one's past when one emotionally matures to the point of meeting his/her own needs, taking care of him.her, owning personal responsibility and when one is re-parented to the point of finally being able to nurture and or soothe him/her.

Don't wait for someone to cure you to make your life, your problems, your world better - the answers that you NEED ARE inside of you. Work with your therapist but understands that while others may assist you, it you that is in charge of your own recovery.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

KSMI, I'm so sorry to hear that your H appears to have strong traits of BPD. Like you, I was married to a BPDer whom I dearly loved. I spent a small fortune taking her to six different psychologists in weekly visits for 15 years -- all to no avail. The conventional wisdom is that, unless a BPDer is self-motivated to seek therapy on his own, there is virtually no chance that therapy will work because he will only play mind games with the therapist. Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance riding to the moon strapped to a banana than you do seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.

Moreover, even in the unlikely event that your H were improving in therapy, how could you possibly know? A substantial improvement will likely take at least three years, perhaps five at the minimum. In addition, it is unlikely that the therapist will tell him that he "has BPD" even if he has the traits at the diagnostic level. One reason is that most BPDers will immediately quit therapy on hearing that dreaded diagnosis. 

Another reason is that insurance companies generally do not cover treatments for BPD because they mistakenly claim it is "untreatable." For those few companies that cover it, you likely will find that they pay for only a tiny fraction of the enormous expense involved. This is why it is common (in my experience) for therapists to misdiagnose it as PTSD, bipolar, anxiety, or depression. That is, they list the diagnosis as one of the related or co-morbid conditions which happen to be covered by insurance.

A third reason that your H likely will never receive a diagnosis of "BPD" -- even if he has it -- is that BPDers are wonderful actors and often can deceive the therapists, who do not have the benefit of seeing him all day long like you do. Instead, they will see him in a 50 minute session once a week.

A fourth reason that therapists are so loath to reveal the true diagnosis is their concern that, once BPD is listed on the records, it may cause the client to lose his job or be blocked from a future employment opportunity -- due to the hugely negative stigma associated with this disorder in the public's mind. Of course, if the therapists won't tell the client the true diagnosis, there is little chance they will ever tell you -- because, during a heated argument, the first thing out of your mouth will be "Your own therapists told me you have BPD." 

This extreme reluctance of therapists to render a BPD diagnosis to high-functioning BPDers is so well known that a Texas law firm advises its divorce clients not to attempt to raise this issue during the divorce hearing. They give several reasons why it is nearly impossible to get a therapist to come in and admit that the spouse has such a disorder. That explanation is provided online to potential clients at http://www.bonnebridges.com/pdf/Borderline_Personality_Disorder.pdf.

Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion about your H's dysfunctional behavior is to go to a clinical psychologist by yourself and describe your H's behavior. Of course, the psychologist will not be able to render a formal diagnosis in the absence of your H but he likely will say "it sure sounds to me like your H may suffer from ...." Without your H there, the therapist does not have to worry about the concerns listed above.

For an overview of what it is like to continue living with a BPDer, I suggest that you read my posts in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Among other things, I explain there why a BPD relationship typically lasts 18 months or 15 years -- and why such relationships are toxic to both parties. I also provide links to good articles on the issue written by professionals. If you have questions about what I wrote there, I would be glad to try and answer them here in your thread. Take care, KSMI.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> BPD is curable, it's about knowing you have this emotional problem and that you can get better.


Airplane, I applaud you for your remarkable achievement in learning how to regulate your emotions, challenge your feelings, and control your disorder. Because I lived for 15 years with a BPDer, I have communicated with nearly a hundred high-functioning BPDers like you at various forums online. I always consider it such a great privilege to be communicating with such folks because people like you are very rare. It is thrill for me to be able to discuss BPD with self-aware people like you because, for 15 years, I always longed to be able to do so with my exW.

Because the disorder is ego-syntonic (i.e., invisible to its victims), and because it makes them so fearful of recognizing a flaw in themselves, I would be surprised if one person in a hundred (of the high functioning BPDers) is able to achieve what you have already done. Simply stated, you are amazingly self-aware and must have enormous courage to have pulled it off.

When you wrote that "BPD is curable," I suppose you really meant to say that it is "controllable" because, with years of training, a BPD sufferer can learn how to better regulate his emotions and challenge his own feelings. I have never seen any professionals claim that it is curable in any literal sense. But, yes, it is controllable with much training -- as you have proven to yourself and your loved ones.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

This thread really hits home to me. My wife has some of these traits and we were in MC and individual therapy. The therapist wanted to see her more and started alluding to perhaps she could be possible Bipolar or BPD. Once she heard that she stopped going to therapy. 

Things are looking bleek right now. We have a two year old which makes the situation worse.


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

Sanity

Am sorry that your spouse got scared off, it truly is not a death sentence to know you have those traits. The first step to getting better is to understand your no different than others except that your feelings/emotions are out of tune. Instead of seeing it for what it is, BPD's almost aways see it as intense.

I have to say it's really trying for myself. Even today during lunch I am thinking about what I am going to work on next Monday with my therapist. I have to remember to not think about whats wrong with my spouse but what is wrong with my thought process.

A simple way of describing how a BPD thinks ...

I decide to go swimming and after getting to the pool, I see all these people laughing and having a good time. So I go to the deep end and dive in. Then struggle to reach the top of the water from the bottom without drowning.

I climb out of the water and go back to the diving board and dive in again. Then almost drown getting back to the surface, repeating this over and over again.

What the BPD doesn't think of, is that they can take swimming lessons and learn how to swim before they dive off the diving board again.

The key with BPD is knowing that you just need to accept it and that it doesn't have to be a life sentence. Get some lessons (therapy), might take a few years but you can learn to swim.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Exactly what is the difference between BPD and being bipolar? Do they share some similar traits?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Exactly what is the difference between BPD and being bipolar? Do they share some similar traits?


Agent, I am not a psychologist but I do have many years of experience with a BPDer exW and my bipolar foster son. Based on that experience, I find that there are several clear differences between the two disorders. 

First, bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In sharp contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours (if the BPD sufferer is inner-directed, you will not witness a raging screaming person but, instead, a quiet withdrawn person who turns her anger onto herself).

A second difference is that the onset is very different. Whereas a bipolar change may occur over several weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action.

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPD is splitting you black. The difference is huge: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPD person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. 

Fourth, the BPDer is always convinced she is a victim. She therefore is forever in need in having a "perpetrator" around to blame for every misfortune. This trait is not characteristic of folks who are bipolar (unless, of course, they also have BPD).

Finally, a fifth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDs, however, are unable to trust -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

Yet, despite these five clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a substantial share of BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. But these disorders are separate and distinct.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All sorts of people have all sorts of problems. My wife is a classical paranoid. There's no good way to deal with someone who doesn't believe they're ill.


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## devilswife (Jul 3, 2011)

Goodness, I have to say I'm very happy to have found this site. I am married to a man who is a dry alcoholic for 4 years now, has Bipolar 2, Paranoia, and several other diagnosis's. We have been togethor for almost eleven years. I have two children from a previous marraige, and one with him whom is now 6. This has been a heck of a ride. I have been living with Jeckyl and Hyde for a long time. In the begining there was just the drinking. Shortly after we became involved I insisted he go to the dr because I had done research and wanted to see if he was bipolar. So then the meds began. Let me tell you that a psychiatrist that knows a patient is alcoholic, and just keeps upping all of their medications to counteract the drinking is not a good dr to have. We have gone through every psychiatrist in our city. Once he hit bottom and the drinking stopped, then all the meds that he was over prescribed hit him. We where in and out of the hospital due to suicidal behaviour. He basically went off his rocker. So years after all of this chaos, he has levelled out. Stopping the alcohol obviously did help in the long run. Although we have been through pretty much every medication out there. He doesn't work, because he could very easily fly off the handle at anyone that he felt was trying to intimidate him, or make fun of him(paranoia). My children have seen more than they should have, but they are older now, and they just basically laugh him off, that he is what he is. They don't seem to be any worse for the wear. He never abused them in any way. Just was snappy. He has now done everything humanly possible to try to make all those years up to me . He spent two months in a mental hospital, trying to get his meds straightened out and learn how to handle his moods. He just fired the last psychiatrist that we had available to us in our city. Our doctor has him set up to see one of the best bipolar specialists in Canada in the next couple of months, and we all have high hopes for that. Through all the meds that he has had through his system in the past 10 years, we are all concerned with his health, liver function and so on. Although he does get tested. Our family dr has decided that he is going to wean him off of the 15 different medications that he is currently on, some of which he takes multiple times a day, and prescribe him medicinal marijauna. So again I will be put through more while he goes through all the withrawal effects that I'm sure will accompany this. So after sharing my entire story, I guess all I wanted to say was that I have stuck around this long. I never left him because I always felt like it would be like leaving someone if they had cancer. Although I have lost alot in my life. Including my freedom. As he is very insecure, blaming, and all the other fun things that come with this disease. I now hold resentment. Alot of resentment. I may still leave, although I have no immediate plans. But I know that if for some reason I where to die right now. I would have alot of regrets for the things I wanted to do with my life but didn't because I felt I had to stay. So if your questioning the fact of wether you should stay or you should leave a bipolar spouse. Please think hard about the ramifications of the rest of your life.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DW, thanks for sharing your story. Have you ever considered that your H may suffer from both bipolar and BPD? Above, I describe the differences I've seen between my BPDer exW and my bipolar foster son. A substantial share of BPDers also suffer from bipolar.


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