# Does it matter?



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

When my husband made out with an ex friend he groped her a$$. I asked if it was in or out of her pants and he said from what he remembered it was out. But if he did go in her pants or out does that matter? Basically would that make a difference of forgiving or divorced?


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

No, it doesn't matter. Either way, he touched her ass and if you keep obsessing on this you'll drive yourself crazy. It was years ago, let it go or get divorced.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your post is unclear. Were you asking him if his hand was in or out of her pants, or were you asking if her ass was in or out of her pants? The answer may mean different things depending on what you actually asked him!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Haven't you asked posters that question in another thread on this subject? 

You'll never know so you need to move on.


----------



## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

If he stick his hand down her pants it is obviously worse, but all of it is across the line.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I thought you were going to start therapy and get help for this obsessive thinking. Your mental health is what matters.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

'From without' amounts to a mere sixteenth of an inch of cotton separation.

It is 'butt' a tiny spacing from the steaming she-devils cauldron.

Close enough for whorse shoes.

Close enough for him to feel, to savor the heat.

Close enough for you to suffer its long-past, lingering and betraying burn.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In the old days employing outside strokes was called 'petting'.

He was intimately petting her butt or her nether front.

Technically, if he reached inside and groped it now becomes foreplay.

Yes, there are degrees of bad; degrees of improper behavior.

It is not 'how' he felt her up.
It is how you 'feel' about his touching betrayal.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Right I am saying If he was drunk reached under the pants groped her ass or over the thin layer of leggings does that make a difference. Is it something that’s over the line of I should leave or forgive.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> In the old days employing outside strokes was called 'petting'.
> 
> He was intimately petting her butt or her nether front.
> 
> ...


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Right I am saying If he was drunk reached under the pants groped her ass or over the thin layer of leggings does that make a difference. Is it something that’s over the line of I should leave or forgive.


You keep asking about the level of touching.

He improperly touched and kissed another woman.
Yes, that is grounds for divorce.

Yes, alcohol lowers ones inhibitions. 
People do stupid things when under the influence.

No, it does not lessen the betrayal.
Or does it?
With you, that is?

Unless you can forgive him, you should divorce.
Can you forgive this betrayal?

It seems you cannot.
Therefore, that is your answer.

You cannot have it both ways.....
Not forgiving, not divorcing.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting, by the way.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are only a few really valuable things another person can give you.

One, is companionship.
Being a good friend. 
Giving the other person comfort, a little to a lot of joy.

Two, is trust.

Your ass of a husband gave away your trust when he touched another woman's ass.
When his lips gave her comfort and joy and in turn tossed yours in the dirt.

If this one a one-time stupid action, fueled by ethanol, 'consider' forgiving.
If he remains nonchalant, not remorseful then why waste more time with him?

What would it take for 'you' to forgive.......presuming this is possible?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> When my husband made out with an ex friend he groped her a$$. I asked if it was in or out of her pants and he said from what he remembered it was out. But if he did go in her pants or out does that matter? Basically would that make a difference of forgiving or divorced?


I thought you posted a while back that you were finally medicated and *no longer* obsessing about this?

It happened TEN YEARS AGO if I remember from all your other posts obsessing about this same thing over and over and over and over and over and over.

What is it you *want* to hear?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your husband's actions ten years ago are not the issue.

Your mental health is.

Hopefully he has been grabbing your ass well, with or without clothes, for ten years now.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

How do you know she was wearing knickers in the first place?

It does not matter at all whether his hand went inside her knickers or just between her trousers and her knickers. If she did not file an assault charge, then you should be worried.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see, I see....

You are transferring your old mind movie memory over to us.

It is now a freshly placed one for us to view.

Thanks for the transference.

I recommend hypnosis to bury this bad boy deeper.

...............................................................................................


You are mad at your husband, you are looking for a plausible excuse to divorce him.
Is this all you got?

Do you have something bad that he did [does] that is more recent?

The time to divorce him over this has gone past the Statute of Limitations.
It has gone past a reason for you to seek out the Statue of Independence granting you freedom from him.

If he remains a bad husband [for you] divorce him already.

If you and he are not compatible, why waste more time being together?

I guess I should go back to your older Threads and see what you covered your derriere with in prior days.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> It’s how. It’s the difference of sex or not or does it all fall in the same. It’s all touching?




It's about intent, plain and simple. You have been mulling over his intentions for 10 years. Make the call, either in or out. You are literally (and I hate using that word, thanks millennials) driving yourself *crazy*, and creating your own self-fulfilling prophecy.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many on here (TAM) would have divorced over this. 
One's spouse kissing someone else while intimately touching their butt?
Likely, while pulling it closer.

At least that is what they 'say' they would do.

Talk is cheap until you get the bill of goods on your wayward SO.
Then, let us see 'you' start the separating actions that you so readily espouse on this blog.

Love, that wondrous feeling, always gets in the way of any surety of action.
Toss in pride and self guilt, self incrimination?

Now you get the sobbing 'plea soup'.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

dontworrybehappy said:


> But if he did go in her pants or out does that matter? Basically would that make a difference of forgiving or divorced?


Nope, doesn't mean squat to me. After all, I'm a total stranger who has no skin in the game.

The question you should be asking yourself is, "Does it matter *to me*?"


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

dontworrybehappy said:


> When my husband made out with an ex friend he groped her a$$. I asked if it was in or out of her pants and he said from what he remembered it was out. But if he did go in her pants or out does that matter? Basically would that make a difference of forgiving or divorced?


It does not matter. The point is, he got sexual with another woman. I assume while married to you.

I saw where other posters said this was a long time ago. But obviously it still weighs on you. I agree with those who say "let it go OR get a divorce."

Do you want to stay married to him? If so, figure out what is happening in the dynamic of your relationship today/now that you still feel bothered/insecure about this. Is your husband secretive? Does he let himself get into situations where you're not around where this type of thing can happen? Does he not seem attracted to you? Do you feel him holding back in the relationship?

It seems you have three choices and you're living the worst one:

1. Make sure things are good now and *let it go*.

2. Get a divorce because you were betrayed and to this day don't feel secure/cherished in your marriage.

3. Stay in the marriage but feel worried and resentful all the time and keep bringing this up, harassing both of you, making your marriage uncomfortable and you less attractive by trying to find some clue that will prove something to you about exactly what he did or didn't do and was or wasn't feeling back then.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Uh huh, nope. This is adultery, and that's that. His intention was "lust" toward another women.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do both of you a huge favor and just divorce him. Good god. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I thought in your last post you were going on some new meds. You have let this woman live rent free in your head for ten years. 

Your ruminating on this has made it much bigger than it was. Your husband must care for you very much to put up with this for so long. If you love him give him the gift of forgiveness. You both will benefit.


----------



## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

You are looping- you are stuck reliving the same questions and events over and over- it's tortuous- for you and your husband

I PM'd you reminding you that you will continue to be triggered and go down this road-as have I from time to time

I recently lost my mind in a loop and it took a week maybe to get out of it.
My h had to suffer through accusations which I knew were not true as well as me bringing up all the issues we had 41/2 years ago. 

I seem to get triggered- I found a bracelet of my mom's which was given to her by an OM #4 - I only knew of 3 previously. The same day I went through my parents old box of loose pics and found pics of my dads OW1 ( I know of 2).

After a trigger my anxiety builds till I blast h and then it slowly dissipates- I'm back to normal thinking now. I apologized to h - who said he knows I can't really help it- he said he just tries to stay away from me and get chores done until I'm ok again. 

When I am in it it feels real- the anxiety- the clues- the evidence the past transgressions-all hold very current importance- when I'm not in 
It - I can see how far we have come and how everything is different now

I can focus on how lucky we are to have each other and to have weathered the storms- I feel great sadness and guilt for my negative contributions but also grateful that he stays- that he is kind and loving and compassionate towards this mental health issue

Eventually he may well run out of love for me - it is abusive to hold yourself emotionally back from the relationship because of this obsession 

I don't know how to cure it but I'm hoping you are still taking your meds and are having times where you can feel how useless the obsessive thoughts are- how unimportant-how threatening and destructive....

I think about you often and hope you are getting some relief


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I know I sound crazy. And I think that I am just getting a trigger and also new to the med still. The new year is coming and that was when it all went down. So I think that I may be taking it a bit hard. I just think that I am still upset with the betrayal him lying to me. I get that we are married and as women maybe even men to ask to much. I expect him to be my best friend, Lover and true and honest. to provide for his family and so on. But he was week as we all fall into sometimes. I am not innocent myself. I just need to put my ego in check... 

And remind myself that NOT every marriage is perfect and who knows how many people this has happened to and the spouse will never tell. I am sure a TON as we are all human. I do get into a loop sometimes and come on here to vent. I do not and have not brought any of this up to my husband for awhile now. So I am sorry to be on here sharing.. Sometimes it just helps to let it out of my head. I really liked the therapist I was seeing but, She was $150 a pop.. 


Has anyone on here tried Hypnosis.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

With a skilled practitioner, hypnosis can be a very effective tool. It also depends on the client.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> With a skilled practitioner, hypnosis can be a very effective tool. It also depends on the client.



How do I find the right one?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> How do I find the right one?



Hope this isn't double post, Answered once, but don't see.

There are folks who specialize in hypnosis and advertise this. You are more likely to find someone in mid-to large size city. You can look online for ratings, ask for referrals, and your doctor, local medical society, or medical school or psych department may have suggestions. Alternative medical sites also refer for hypnosis (acupuncturist, etc). Sometimes it depends on what you are using hypnosis for.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I found one in my area I am going to see. I just hope it helps. I know it doesn’t remove the memory (I wish) but it supposed to help you be ok and reflect healthy about it... I know I am terrible and obsessive I think I am just very heartbroken extremely heartbroken and let my guard down and won’t ever forgive myself. 

But I can answer my own question. Does it matter if he went over it under a piece of fabric. No it’s the same he touched her when he shouldn’t have period. He kissed her when he shouldn’t have. I guess I am focusing on the touch more than the kiss cause I don’t want to think how much that kiss really hurts. Maybe the thought of could he have went all the way if she said ok haunts me. He says no but who really knows... these are the thoughts as the betrayed that we are left with and play in our minds. It sucks and it’s heartbreaking. We put all our love and trust into this person to not hurt us and hold our hearts close. And then these things Happen. I just need to grieve I need to stop fighting it away. I need to stop believing so much that people are good and just see that people are all capable of being the worst. I wish so badly I could take these holidays back and not be reminded of the time he questioned our love while I was so happy and excited to share in the holiday with my love and kids and whom where my best friends. &#55358;&#56698;😭💔


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Violet28 said:


> No, it doesn't matter. Either way, he touched her ass and if you keep obsessing on this you'll drive yourself crazy. It was years ago, let it go or get divorced.


*It makes absolutely no difference!

Regardless of whether her ass was "covered up" or was hanging out "au naturale," he made it a point of business of making lascivious physical contact with an unauthorized ass!

In my minds eye, he knew better and has what's coming to him for the commission of this crime! 

You are the major determinant of the facts at hand, and whether a free pass is to be issued!*


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or you could get your weeping ass out the victim chair and stop making other people responsible for your happiness by doing the following:

New Years is coming up..the timing is perfect.

Get out of your comfort zone and get all hotted up for new years, make up, party dress, heels, all of it. Nail his ass in the bedroom that night like never before
and make yourself the better woman in your mind and his. Follow up with "You could of had that for ten years".

Take your power back .....confuse the hell out of him and leave his jaw hanging on the floor.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> Your post is unclear. Were you asking him if his hand was in or out of her pants, or were you asking if her ass was in or out of her pants? The answer may mean different things depending on what you actually asked him!


That was exactly first thought too! How funny.

On a serious note; if it was indeed years ago, it's history, best to let it go.

If there's a pattern that would be a different answer.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

*It makes absolutely no difference!

Regardless of whether her ass was "covered up" or was hanging out "au naturale," he made it a point of business of making lascivious physical contact with an unauthorized ass!

In my minds eye, he knew better and has what's coming to him for the commission of this crime! 

You are the major determinant of the facts at hand, and whether a free pass is to be issued!*[/QUOTE]


Sorry I wasn’t clear. If he put his hands in her pants vs the outside of her ass. But it doesn’t matter like you said shouldn’t have touched another women period. 

I hate that phrase free pass.. I don’t feel like anyone deserves a free pass people depending on circumstances do deserve second chances.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Or you could get your weeping ass out the victim chair and stop making other people responsible for your happiness by doing the following:
> 
> New Years is coming up..the timing is perfect.
> 
> ...



I know. I am a pathetic cry baby! Like you said get my big girl panties on and handle ****! I am trying to not be so damn co dependable. HATE IT! but like you said I can’t play victim anymore. For god sake 80% of couples deal with this ****!


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Married but Happy said:
> 
> 
> > Your post is unclear. Were you asking him if his hand was in or out of her pants, or were you asking if her ass was in or out of her pants? The answer may mean different things depending on what you actually asked him!
> ...


Ya I mean hands in pants or outside of. But your right years ago and stop 🤮&#55358;&#56698;


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I know. I am a pathetic cry baby! Like you said get my big girl panties on and handle ****! I am trying to not be so damn co dependable. HATE IT! but like you said I can’t play victim anymore. For god sake 80% of couples deal with this ****!


No, they DON'T. Most marriages do NOT involve touching other people. 

In or out doesn't matter - you married a man who wants to have sex with more than one woman. Only you can decide if you're willing to be his mistress. Cos that's what you are if you stay - ONE of the women he touches for sexual reasons. Only you also get to be cook, maid, and everything else, while you watch him watch other women.

And starting yet another thread in the hopes that you'll hear someone tell you it's ok to be his side-piece isn't constructive.


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

In or out doesn't matter - you married a man who wants to have sex with more than one woman. Only you can decide if you're willing to be his mistress. Cos that's what you are if you stay - ONE of the women he touches for sexual reasons. Only you also get to be cook, maid, and everything else, while you watch him watch other women.

And starting yet another thread in the hopes that you'll hear someone tell you it's ok to be his side-piece isn't constructive.[/QUOTE]


Didn’t we all marry a man who wants sex with other women lol. I feel like people are really stupid If they actually think that they are with a 💯 faithful man. I think in his case the opportunity was there. We got into a fight that night and he thought about it after and bam he did it again. Men are pretty simple and women are the complex ones. I feel when women cheat watch out men.. they are a bit slow. In no way am I defending his actions. But let’s be Hines in his situation most people would be the same. Unfortunately this is being human.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

dontworrybehappy said:


> In or out doesn't matter - you married a man who wants to have sex with more than one woman. Only you can decide if you're willing to be his mistress. Cos that's what you are if you stay - ONE of the women he touches for sexual reasons. Only you also get to be cook, maid, and everything else, while you watch him watch other women.
> 
> And starting yet another thread in the hopes that you'll hear someone tell you it's ok to be his side-piece isn't constructive.



Didn’t we all marry a man who wants sex with other women lol. I feel like people are really stupid If they actually think that they are with a 💯 faithful man. I think in his case the opportunity was there. We got into a fight that night and he thought about it after and bam he did it again. Men are pretty simple and women are the complex ones. I feel when women cheat watch out men.. they are a bit slow. In no way am I defending his actions. But let’s be Hines in his situation most people would be the same. Unfortunately this is being human.[/QUOTE]

No, we wouldn't. In this situation (and I have been in this situation many times) I would turn elsewhere. I wouldn't make out with a woman who is not my wife, grabass or no grabass. It's really that simple. I want to have sex with my wife. Period. If that wasn't the case, I wouldn't be married to her. It really is that simple. 

No, it's called being an animal. What separates us from the animals is our ability to understand our base instincts and rise above them. We have the power of thought and will. This action is actually denying ones humanity and lowering ones self to a very subhuman level. 


As long as you continue to have these mitigating thoughts, whether you think them as defending his actions or not, your thinking on this matter will be warped and prevent you from facing this issue head on, which is the only way you'll ever be able to deal with it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Didn’t we all marry a man who wants sex with other women lol. I feel like people are really stupid If they actually think that they are with a 💯 faithful man. I think in his case the opportunity was there. We got into a fight that night and he thought about it after and bam he did it again. Men are pretty simple and women are the complex ones. I feel when women cheat watch out men.. they are a bit slow. In no way am I defending his actions. But let’s be Hines in his situation most people would be the same. Unfortunately this is being human.


Or, it could be the type of men you are attracted to.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Didn’t we all marry a man who wants sex with other women lol. I feel like people are really stupid If they actually think that they are with a 💯 faithful man. I think in his case the opportunity was there. We got into a fight that night and he thought about it after and bam he did it again. Men are pretty simple and women are the complex ones. I feel when women cheat watch out men.. they are a bit slow. In no way am I defending his actions. But let’s be Hines in his situation most people would be the same. Unfortunately this is being human.


Um.. no.. just, no....


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > Didn’t we all marry a man who wants sex with other women lol. I feel like people are really stupid If they actually think that they are with a 💯 faithful man. I think in his case the opportunity was there. We got into a fight that night and he thought about it after and bam he did it again. Men are pretty simple and women are the complex ones. I feel when women cheat watch out men.. they are a bit slow. In no way am I defending his actions. But let’s be Hines in his situation most people would be the same. Unfortunately this is being human.
> ...



You really think we were all meant to be monogamous.. if this is true why do we have like 80% of marriages in some sort of cheating situation?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just where exactly are you getting your 80% statistic from?


----------



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just where exactly are you getting your 80% statistic from?


So if you do the math on the statistics provided about 55% men and 40% women and that’s who admit.. obviously if your a cheat you aren’t going to admit it.


----------

