# At the end of my rope



## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

It is 4:30 California time and I after a huge fight with my husband, I left the house. We have been in counseling since April and things are only getting worse. I am at the end of my rope and don't know what to do anymore. There is no trust, no respect, and most of all, we can't keep the past in the past. There is much anger and a ton of resentment which keeps coming up in our fights. I don't know that counseling will ever help with those issues. We have our good days but when they go bad, they go BAD. How do you know when to just call it quits? We have been married 27 years with 3 grown children. I need advice because I feel like I am losing my mind. I have nobody to turn to besides my best friend who is in a different state. Our therapist has not helped at all and seems to make things worse. She sits and watches us argue.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Perhaps you should find another therapist, since this one can't help at all.

What do you guys resent each other about? Are both of your needs met? I assume not, since you guys are in such state.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Sorry your marriage is going through this :[ Our 2nd marriage counselor did this when we first started seeing him: He would hold his hands out to get us to be silent[yes we were arguing in front of him] then look at each of us with a neutral expression and say, ' Tell me how's this helping your marriage?' We both admitted to each other that it made us feel like 10 year old brats \"/ And more important, it made us realize that it wasn't helping.
Another thing, I don't know if your spiritual at all, but we if we started arguing, we gave each other the right to request that we pray together right in the middle of the fight. That is so powerful !!! You know God was already there before, but somehow praying to Him in that moment calmed the storm. Recognizing His presence makes things look much different !! My wife and I are working on 23 years of marriage, so yes I'm in your shoes too. We admitted that we were focusing on the 5 or 6 things that our partner wasn't doing right instead of the 50 things they were. We are in a much better place now, thank God.

I shared these things from my own experiences and what worked for us. Praying that you and your husband can get to a better place. One where you work as a team again, not individuals firing bombs at each other.


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## friese (Jul 25, 2014)

I'd get a different therapist. This counseling does not sound useful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do people do this? They post once and don't participate in their own thread.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

Sorry! Have had so much going on. Will post update this evening.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

We are working on our marriage. We left the counselor and are currently looking for a faith-based counselor. He has returned to church with me (today was 1st time) and has made an appointment for IC this Wednesday. We were supposed to go see the Priest that married us but he is gone for 3 months. I am hoping that things will turn around as I honestly feel like this is our last chance.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Thanks for the update, I'm glad that your working on things. Have you been able to talk about things in calmness ? That's the first sign that you are able to accept each other. I had to learn that I can't change my partner !!!!! She is responsible for that, not me. When I accepted that, it was much easier to accept her as she is. When I stop trying to change her, and just accept and love her as she is ,amazingly she wanted to become better for herself !!! After so many years, you become entrenched in things, and it's HARD to change ways of doing and thinking. One of our big issues was child training, she was much easier on them, I wanted to push them to do more. And we polarized each other so badly that her weakness with them justified IMO my pushing them .Guess what that did for her ? and round and round we went :[


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

We have been able to discuss things better now. He usually suggests we go to Starbucks, go for a ride and talk. It seems we fight more at home. Things also seem calmer since leaving our counselor. I am still working on finding one but am having NO luck.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

You mentioned going to church. Would there be any available resources through that ? It sounds like your marriage would benefit from a neutral party. When your in public you can be calm, when in private not so much. Who is causing that anyway ?


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I have had NO luck finding any counselor through Church or the Diocese. I am disappointed on that one. I think just being home in our room makes for more stress and we tend to fight. We are able to discuss things better outside of the home.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I think I may have a faith-based counselor. What does this mean: When requested, I have prayed with clients and certainly hold to the tenants of the Bible.


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## Baablacksheep (Aug 29, 2013)

Sounds like he is not based on 1 particular faith. That is not a bad thing necessarily.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

She said she is Christian.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I spoke to the possible new counselor today. We had already communicated via email several times so she knew what pur issues were. We talked about that some more and she asked me what I wanted out of counseling. Basically I told her I need to trust my husband and trust was not an issue we dealt with in other counseling. I also told her I need to go in there with goals and what we plan on working on. She was very nice and seemed to be on board with things. I did tell her that last counselor suggested porn for our marriage which I am against. She said that will never happen with her. I have a good feeling.


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