# Please help! I regretfully threatened to take custody of our unborn child.



## ExpectingFather (Feb 3, 2018)

Hello TAM community,

I'm coming to you out of desperation in need of as much sage advice as I can get...

Long-story short, I threatened my wife that I would take full custody of our unborn child. It was a foolish, desperate attempt to get her to realize that I am just as much committed to the child as she is.

However, a little bit of background (sorry, it has turned out to be much longer than I thought... I pray you have the patience to read through) might help you better understand the situation and, God willing, provide me with some actionable advice I can use to fix the mess I've created.

We have had a rather tumultuous relationship, but have always loved each other deeply. She has doubted me along the way for numerous things... suspecting I check out other women in public, suspecting I watch porn, suspecting I had exes kept on Facebook as backups... None of this is true, but that is besides the point.

She has threatened me with divorce on numerous occasions for the most insignificant of things. I've tolerated it because I knew she didn't mean it and would never act on it, she was just trying to give herself some security in the relationship. She doesn't work, has no degree, and often depressed about her dependence on me. I have no problem with this... I've only ever given her grief about her lack of effort caring for our home and pets. I feel for her deeply because she has had a difficult life and battles depression every day. I try my best to never hold any of this against her, but I am only human and in the heat of the moment, when I'm being accused of things I know absolutely to not be true, I slip up sometimes and say hurtful things (she is no saint in this regard either).

Nevertheless, we care for each other and have so many shared dreams, goals, visions, philosophies, beliefs and so much more that I don't think either of us could ever truly fathom life without the other.

We have been contemplating having a child for about a year now (though we agreed long before we married that we wanted this). After receiving news a few months ago that we may not be able to due to a condition she has, we were crushed. However, she saw a saint of a doctor a few weeks ago and he told her that the condition was not as severe as we thought and he had a suspicion that we would become pregnant sooner than we thought.

About a week later, we got into a huge argument at my parent's house over something stupid... A simple disagreement over a meme on Facebook. She stormed out and drove home, leaving me at my parent's, refusing to answer my phone calls, telling me to find my own way home. We have both made it clear throughout our relationship that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and so, I flipped. When I arrived home, I told her that she may as well have signed the divorce papers right then and there. This was the first time I ever brought up the word divorce of my own volition. Of course, I didn't mean I wanted a divorce. I just wanted to illustrate the severity in my mind. She LEFT me. Period.

Coincedentally, the next morning (on my 30th birthday, no less), I woke up to her sobbing. Concerned, I asked what was wrong. After the third or fourth time, she tossed a pregnancy test at me which read "Pregnant". I lost it... I did not want to find out this way. But as my emotions settled I found the strength to set aside my issues and tell her how elated I was at the news. This was a miracle!! I had spent the last several months fighting back the depression at the thought of never having a child because I didn't want to hurt her. If that was my fate, I would take it. Her happiness is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; though I wish I was more stable and in control of my emotions so I could have properly proved that to her.

So, we resolved our issues and the joy we felt was so profound... All my stress, worry, and fear dissipated in less than a day. It was completely overshadowed by this miracle. I also finally had something to excuse her recent erratic emotions. It all made sense.

However, a few days later, while we were out running some errands, she became really edgy and took out her frustrations with a bank teller on me. Defending myself, I reacted rather ungracefully. I was not mean, rude, or yelling... but I was a little bit insensitive to her hormonal insanity. Her reaction, however, was terrifying. She began shrieking, threatening me, and started driving extremely aggressive.

Not wanting to escalate things any further, I completely shut down. I didn't entertain any of her cynicisms or road-rage. I just stayed stone-face staring at the road. Eventually, she started laughing at one of her critiques of a poor driver on the road, to which I remained stone-face. She turned to me and asked if I was going to keep being angry. To which I responded, regretfully, "You've been treating me like your enemy... and I don't laugh with my enemies." Her response to this was to speed home, wait till I go out of the car, and then drive off without a word or indication of where she was going.

Infuriated that she would do this AGAIN, I went inside and printed out divorce papers, which I filled out half-assed. I had no intention of divorcing her, but I wanted to make her feel it. After reaching out to her mother (she had blocked my number) and finally getting her to come back home, I handed her the divorce papers and told her, "If you want this so bad, here you go. But I promise you, if you sign those, I will fight you tooth and nail for the rest of your life for full-custody of our child." BIG MISTAKE.

I immediately felt like dirt... How could I be so insensitive to what she was going through? How could I not be more sympathetic?? But, it was too late, a massive argument ensued. She threatened that I would NEVER see my child and that she was leaving. As she got her jacket to go back to the car, I told her I would call the police to track the car to make sure I knew where she was going. I didn't want any issues with the law, but I was terrified and desperate. I want to know my child. I want to raise my child with her! I could not afford to lose her and my child into the night...

So, her response to this was to walk instead of drive. I followed after her, worried moreso at this point that this beautiful woman was walking out into the frigid cold, in fishnet stockings, in a less-than-crime-free neighborhood, carrying a child. Whenever I got remotely close to her, she started shouting "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Clearly trying to employ our neighbors in her defense. I was not attacking her at all. I was not threatening her. I was simply begging her to just come home and out of the cold and that I would leave her alone if she did so.

So, I started lagging behind a few hundred feet just to keep an eye on her. I called the police myself at this point and simply asked that units be sent out to keep an eye on her. She heard my call and wrongfully assumed I was trying to "accuse" her of some criminal activity... The last thing I would want is for my pregnant wife to be thrown in a jail cell... This was absurd.

Eventually, we reached a shopping center and I canceled the call. I called out to her instead, begging her again to just forget everything that happened so I could take her to get some food (she was starving). I promised to not say a word or even look at her. She showed no interest and began calling the cops herself, threatening that she'd tell them I was harassing her.

I gave up at this point, not wanting things to escalate further. She was in a shopping center and within safe distance of a warm grocery store she could go in to. So I turned around and called her mother again, letting her know what had happened so at least one person knew where she was.

Shortly after I arrived home, she also arrived with two police escorts to "keep the peace". She collected some clothes, toiletries, etc and left to go stay with her mother.

Crushed and unable to contain my grief, I Uber'd to my best friend's house for company and counsel. Sage counsel as always... He finally helped me realize what I'd been struggling to this entire time. What my wife was going through was infinitely more difficult than any stress or anxiety I was feeling. My emotions really did not matter any more. This was about her and our child and I had to be her rock. I had to be the one thing in the world she knew she could rely on and have faith in to get through this. And for my own sanity, I had to remind myself constantly that once we got through this difficult time, I would have the rest of my life to bask in the joy of raising our child.

After a few hours, she got into it with her family as well and decided to go back home to find I wasn't there. She wasn't thrilled by this and took another 2-3 hours to finally give me permission to come back home. I enlightened her to my epiphany, but it didn't mean anything to her.

She didn't trust me anymore. She is clearly terrified that I am going to plot the rest of this pregnancy to take the child away from her and she has made that clear. I made her eggs this morning that didn't come out so great (I'm still learning how to cook with ceramic pans... they're terribly difficult). As a result of the poor taste, she suspected I'd have poisoned the eggs!! Like I would want to murder her and my unborn child!

Ever since I got back home, I've began reading "A Mindful Pregnancy" by Andy Puddicombe. I initially considered going to my doctor for a Xanax prescription mind you I am very, very, very anti-prescription drug) just to dull my emotions enough to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions she's going through. However, I decided managing it myself would be so much more valuable and my God... This book is AMAZING. Just picking it up has calmed my nerves dramatically. I have brushed off every single one of her little quips and snipes. I am calm, collected, and cool.

I feel like I can handle this! And I would NEVER, EVER want to raise our child alone or leave her to. I am a child of divorce and I always swore to myself I would never do the same to my future children.

However, my confidence in myself is not reciprocated by my wife... She still does not trust me to not try to take custody of our child and I'm terrified that she never will. I do not want to continue through her pregnancy like this. It will only fuel stress, anxiety, depression, and so many more issues that could have negative side-effects on our unborn child.

I am not usually one to ask for advice... I'm very intuitive and learn very well from others... and a little proud. So, I can only say that this is in desperation. Despite my faith in God and my endless prayer, I need help here.

Any advice, counsel, or wisdom that may help me re-engender trust and faith from my wife would be immensely appreciated. I am willing to do absolutely anything to fix this.

I am on my knees. Please help me!

I sincerely thank you for even just reading throguh this massive post. If you have no advice to offer, I beg that you at least keep us in your prayers. I feel like I need to move the Earth to fix this and if I have to I will...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's unfortunate that you said what you said to you wife. However, her behavior is out of control, and it's not "hormones", it's her personality. I have no concrete advice, because you can't fix her dysfunctional personality. I might suggest swearing to her that no matter what happens to your relationship, you would never seek sole custody of the child, but that might not be true, because you cannot predict her future behavior and it might be necessary someday for the safety of the child. Any pregnant woman who still drives erratically and intentionally speeds because she is angry is a tad dangerous and unpredictable.


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## ExpectingFather (Feb 3, 2018)

Thank you so much for reading and for the advice, Livvie!

Unfortunately, I just can't accept that :\ She has more than enough redeeming qualities for me to look past the personality flaws; I'm not exactly perfect either and I'm simply not ready to give up just yet.

Further, she's pregnant with my child, so I have every intention of being joined at the hip with her the rest of my life. She believes in God and has very strong moral character. I have every bit of faith that she will grow to be an amazing mother.

However, that's another issue entirely. For now, I need to focus on rectifying my own wrongs and pray the rest will fall into place after that. As far as swearing to her I will not pursue sole custody, that is definitely something to consider. I'm just afraid that will probably fall on deaf ears right now. I feel like I need to prove my intent through action right now to help get over this hump.

Thank you again for your insight. It is greatly appreciated.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ExpectingFather said:


> Thank you so much for reading and for the advice, Livvie!
> 
> Unfortunately, I just can't accept that :\ She has more than enough redeeming qualities for me to look past the personality flaws; I'm not exactly perfect either and I'm simply not ready to give up just yet.
> 
> ...


Neither of you comes out of this debacle smelling of roses and I am very cognizant of the fact that we only have your side of the story.If your wife’s extreme behavior was only when she was pregnant then she may have some sort of excuse,hormones etc,but she seems to have a penchant for drama at any time and sees herself as a victim of circumstances.You giving her ultimatums and threatening to take custody of the baby would put any woman on alert never mind a drama queen like your wife.
You both need counseling,your wife more than you and I would be deeply concerned about the safety of the child when it’s born,postpartum depression would probably push her over the edge.
Stop threatening your wife!


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## ExpectingFather (Feb 3, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Stop threatening your wife!


Well, that is definitely clear. It was a horrible mistake!!

I am certain we do need counseling, but with her current disposition towards me I don't know if she would go for it. Perhaps I need to take some time to let things cool down and hope I can catch her at a time when the rollercoaster of emotions she's going through has her at a high-point. I foresee counseling being a very difficult process for us. We are both extremely bullheaded, stubborn, and proud. However, I believe we could both gain some real value from an outsider's perspective and guidance. Maybe even to just get a reality-check from someone a little more objective.

Thank you for the suggestion. I will absolutely try to take that route as soon as I find the opportunity. I would not say things have resolved, but she has definitely become a little softer towards me over the last 24 hours. I'm praying she will realize over time that I am not her enemy and I am willing to do whatever it takes to improve the situation.

Patience has never been my strongest quality, but the prospect of being a father has completely changed my outlook on life and I truly feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to now.

Thank you again for reading and for your advice!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, as you've learned, words can do damage. A lot of it.

Let me tell you something now...two years ago (I will never forget it), my husband said something to me that left me completely devastated and instantly wiped out all the feelings of security that I had in our relationship. Five years of safety and security gone in seconds. I still can't get them back. It hurt me terribly, I still cry when I think about it, I'm tearing up now just writing this post. I told him a few days later that I wish he had slapped me, that that wouldn't have hurt me anywhere near as much as what he said.

We'd been arguing, and I know that he didn't really mean it, but the damage was done. He was shocked (still is) at how much damage three little words could do...he wishes with all his heart he could take them back, but he can't. Words can do damage, once they're out there, you can't take them back.

You and your wife both need to remember this, and find a better way to communicate with each other. Threats and ultimatums are very damaging to a marriage. You need to seek urgent help for this before baby arrives. Your sweet little baby deserves to be born into a strong, loving, stable marriage.


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## ExpectingFather (Feb 3, 2018)

frusdil said:


> OP, as you've learned, words can do damage. A lot of it.
> 
> Let me tell you something now...two years ago (I will never forget it), my husband said something to me that left me completely devastated and instantly wiped out all the feelings of security that I had in our relationship. Five years of safety and security gone in seconds. I still can't get them back. It hurt me terribly, I still cry when I think about it, I'm tearing up now just writing this post. I told him a few days later that I wish he had slapped me, that that wouldn't have hurt me anywhere near as much as what he said.
> 
> ...


Were you two able to resolve things? I understand the words never go away... but was it enough to end your relationship?

I've never been this kind of person, to give ultimatums or do anything to risk losing her. I've swallowed my pride every time she made the same threats to me and I guess I hoped she would recognize the impact of what she did and do the same. But given her circumstance, I understand how she could feel I was being extremely insensitive.

Was there anything your significant other did or could have done to at least diminish the impact of what he said? Or overshadow it and regain your trust & feeling of security?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

First, congratulations on the baby. That is wonderful. 

I agree that it is not normal pregnancy hormone behavior. I mean no offense, but have either of you been diagnosed with a mental illness? Or had people close to you question if you did? You both sound extremely immature and prone to histrionics. 

The fact is that neither of you can take custody away from each other. There is no “sole custody” unless one of you has major issues, and I mean major. So stop that drama now. If she doesn’t trust you now because of what you said, look up and show her the law in your state. It isn’t up to you, or her. 

But the state can take your child from you both if you continue to act unstable. This is why I asked about mental illness. If you want to help your wife you need to address this now. Be open to the idea that there is an issue for one or both of you and find the treatments available to be healthy parents. 

It is clear that you are committed to your wife and want to raise this child together. That means growing up and opening your eyes to the fact that what she is doing is not normal. What she is doing is harmful to her, your marriage and potentially harmful to your unborn child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Her actions are quite honestly very troubling. Neither of you are in any position to provide a good stable home for that child, she cant cope now so how will she cope with a child? 
Not sure if she is mentally ill or just a very immature, spoilt drama queen, either way its not good for your future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife realize that it does not matter if you threatened to take custody of your child. You cannot since your child has two parents. You would both share custody. You can ask for 50/50 custody.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife sounds BPD.
Have you done a paternity test?

What you did was wrong and cruel, but she's not being rational at all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Uptown


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP has said he doesn't care about his wife's destructive, damaging, negative behaviors, he will be with her forever anyway. We can talk on an on about various personality disorders and nothing will be accomplished. The facts remain that he is choosing to stay in this relationship and to suffer through her behaviors.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

*SHORT RESPONSE:*
Expecting, I agree with @*Satya* and @*SunCMars* that you're describing a well-known pattern of behaviors called "BPD" (Borderline Personality Disorder). Namely, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling demands, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, paranoia, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. 

Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your W has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD traits which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold. Hence, given your decision to remain married to her, I recommend you consult with a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your child will be dealing with.
*
LONG RESPONSE:*


ExpectingFather said:


> Provide me with some actionable advice I can use to fix the mess I've created.... I am willing to do absolutely anything to fix this.


Expecting, you're asking the wrong question. There is nothing you can do to "fix the mess" when a spouse is exhibiting strong BPD behaviors. As @*Livvie* and @*Andy* observe above, the important question is not "How to fix the mess?" but, rather, "Would it be prudent to ride out the storm (assuming it is a temporary effect of pregnancy) or to divorce this unstable woman (assuming her BPD traits are a lifetime problem)?"

When seeking an answer to that question, please keep in mind that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, icy withdrawal, reckless behavior, and temper tantrums.

Importantly, the most common cause of BPD behavior is not the lifetime disorder but, instead, temporary flareups of our normal BPD traits arising from a _hormone change_ or _drug abuse_. Given that your W is pregnant, the important question is whether you're seeing a temporary flareup of BPD behaviors caused by the hormone change or, rather, a persistent lifetime problem. 

If it is the latter, her BPD traits likely started showing strongly in the early teens and persisted thereafter. The only time they would have disappeared entirely is for about 4 to 6 months during your courtship period because your W's infatuation likely would have held her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay.



> We have had a rather tumultuous relationship... She has doubted me along the way for numerous things.


This statement is what *Livvie*, *Andy*,* Satya*, *SunC*, @*Bluesclues*, @*Diana7*, and I find so concerning. It seems to indicate that your W's drama and emotional instability began well before the pregnancy and thus likely is a persistent lifetime problem that was fully entrenched in her early childhood. 

If so, the roller coaster you've been seeing will only only get worse -- unless she works very hard for many years in therapy to acquire the emotional skills she never had an opportunity to learn in childhood (an outcome that is extremely unlikely if she is a BPDer). As the years go by, her paranoia and fear of abandonment will get worse as she sees her body aging, and her resentment of you will increase due to your continued inability to make her happy (an impossible task).



> She has more than enough redeeming qualities for me to look past the personality flaws.... we have always loved each other deeply.... She believes in God and has very strong moral character.


The vast majority of BPDers -- even those having the full-blown disorder -- generally are good people having strong moral character and numerous _"redeeming qualities."_ Moreover, they typically are capable of loving very intensely (albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love). They usually exhibit the purity of expressions, exuberance, and vulnerability that otherwise is seen only in young children. 

These qualities make them very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. A BPDer's problem is not being bad or lacking moral character but, rather, being emotionally unstable.



> She has doubted me along the way for numerous things... suspecting I check out other women in public, suspecting I watch porn, suspecting I had exes kept on Facebook as backups... None of this is true, but that is besides the point.


No, it is not _"besides the point."_ On the contrary, it is important information. Her irrational jealousy and false accusations likely arise from paranoia and a great fear of abandonment. Significantly, paranoia and abandonment fear are two of the nine defining symptoms for BPD.



> She has threatened me with divorce on numerous occasions for the most insignificant of things.


BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And, five hours or five weeks later, they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ 

Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

BPDer relationships therefore are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at *BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll*. 



> I'm praying she will realize over time that I am not her enemy.


As discussed above, a BPDer will realize that you are "not her enemy" every time she starts splitting you white again. Yet, as soon as you trigger one of her two fears, you will be split black again -- becoming "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her every misfortune. Hence, if your W is a BPDer, you can expect to see dramatic improvements in her behavior every few weeks. 

Like the smokers who are always throwing away their "last pack" every two months, a BPDer typically will be seen making dramatic gains every few weeks. But, remember, even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.



> She battles depression every day.


That is not surprising if she is a BPDer. A 2008 study of 35,000 American adults found that 80% of females having lifetime BPD also suffer from a co-occurring major mood disorder such as depression. Similarly, 80% of these women also suffer from an anxiety disorder. It therefore is common for full-blown BPDers to have two or more co-occurring clinical disorders in addition to the personality disorder. See Table 2 at *2008 Study in JCP*.



> I am only human and in the heat of the moment, when I'm being accused of things I know absolutely to not be true, I slip up sometimes and say hurtful things.


If you really are living with a BPDer, there will be so much drama and so many false accusations that it will be impossible to avoid mirroring some of her childish behavior yourself. Those of us who have lived with BPDers (i.e., we "Nons" or "nonBPDers") refer to that inevitable process as "picking up fleas."



> "I will fight you tooth and nail for the rest of your life for full-custody of our child." BIG MISTAKE.


Yes, a mistake. It was the wrong thing to say and was extremely insensitive behavior on your part. Yet, unless you're a robot having no feelings, you WILL make such mistakes again. 

If your W is a BPDer, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old because her development was frozen at a young age. If so, your relationship with her is more that of a parent/child than a husband/wife. As any parent can tell you, it is impossible to avoid making mistakes while trying to raise a child who throws regular temper tantrums and hissy fits.



> We got into a huge argument at my parent's house over something stupid... a simple disagreement over a meme on Facebook.


If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. 

This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds -- over _"banal or benign"_ actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

In addition to the abandonment fear discussed above, a BPDer has a second great fear: that of _engulfment_. The existence of this second fear puts you in a hopeless predicament because the two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the _very same_ spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Although a BPDer craves intimacy like nearly everyone else, she is too immature to handle it for very long. 

This is why a BPDer will push you away -- by creating an argument over nothing (e.g., Facebook meme) or by leaving you -- immediately after an intimate evening or great weekend, or right in the middle of a wonderful vacation. And this is why a BPDer typically exhibits her very WORST behavior immediately after (if not during) the very BEST of times.

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist. 



> My emotions really did not matter any more. This was about her and our child and I had to be her rock.


Yes, if she is experiencing a temporary flareup of BPD traits caused by pregnancy, it is important to "be her rock" -- just as you would do if she were suffering from the flu. If she has a lifetime BPD problem, however, being "her rock" likely will harm her as much as it helps her. 

As I tried to explain above, it is impossible to avoid triggering a BPDer's rage and paranoia while living with her because, regardless of whether you move close or far away, you will be triggering one of her two fears. Hence, your mere presence in the house will serve to trigger her anger and hurt.

Moreover, your efforts to calm and reassure her -- by protecting her from suffering the logical consequences of her own bad behavior -- also is harmful to her. It destroys her opportunities to confront her own issues and learn how to manage them. 

When a person is behaving like a spoiled young child throwing temper tantrums, it is important to allow her to suffer the logical consequences of that bad behavior (within reason). Otherwise, she will remain spoiled by your enabling behavior and have to incentive to learn the many mature ways of regulating those emotions.

On top of that, your walking on eggshells -- to avoid triggering her rage -- is very harmful to you. By not behaving like your true self, you will soon realize that you are forgetting what your "true self" ever was. This is why it is important that you continue loving yourself instead of adopting the misguided view that _"my emotions really did not matter."_ They matter a lot.



> We have both made it clear throughout our relationship that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and so, I flipped.


The human condition is that our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations becomes strongly distorted whenever we experience intense feelings like anger, love, or fear. By the time we enter high school, most of us already realize that our judgment flies out the window whenever our feelings are intense. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut until we have time to cool down. And this is why we try to wait two years before buying the ring.

Well, BPDers are like that too -- only it's multiplied by ten because, being unable to regulate their own emotions, they experience intense feelings far more frequently than the rest of us. Importantly, this is not being "crazy" or "insane." Those terms imply that a person has lost touch with physical reality (e.g., believing that the TV news announcer is speaking to her personally). In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine. What is distorted is their perception of your intentions. This is why BPD is said to constitute a "thought distortion."

I mention all this so as to explain why, if your W is a BPDer, it doesn't much matter that you reached agreement that _"this kind of behavior is unacceptable."_ Her perception of your relationship and all agreements is heavily distorted by whatever intense feelings she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. 

This distortion is so strong that the abused partners of BPDers have given it a name: "rewriting history." Whereas narcissists and sociopaths are lying and manipulating you when making false accusations, a BPDer usually BELIEVES the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. And a week later when she is claiming the exact opposite, she very likely BELIEVES that nonsense too.



> She became really edgy and took out her frustrations with a bank teller on me.


The vast majority of BPDers -- even those having full-blown BPD -- are very high functioning folks who get along fine with bank tellers. They also usually get along fine with casual friends, business colleagues, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. 

And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers like a bank teller -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. But, as noted above, BPDers generally are not bad people. Like young children, their problem is not being _bad_ but, rather, being _unstable_.



> Her reaction, however, was terrifying. She began shrieking, threatening me, and started driving extremely aggressive.


As noted earlier, her emotional development likely was frozen at about age four if she is a BPDer. The inability to regulate one's own emotions is such a key feature of BPD that a large share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change its name to "Emotion Regulation Disorder."



> So, I started lagging behind a few hundred feet just to keep an eye on her.


Likewise, I spent a few nights following my BPDer exW around the neighborhood in the middle of winter. I followed about a hundred feet behind.



> Shortly after I arrived home, she also arrived with two police escorts to "keep the peace".


If she is a BPDer, you likely will be seeing the police again. At the end of my 15-year marriage, my exW called the police and had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Because it was 9:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning, I was in jail for nearly 3 full days before I had an opportunity to go before the arraignment judge and be released. At that point, I learned she had obtained a R/O (which police hand out like candy to children) barring me from returning to my own home.



> *For my own sanity*, I had to remind myself constantly that once we got through this difficult time, I would have the rest of my life to bask in the joy of raising our child.


It is scary that, just a year or two into your marriage, you are already looking for ways to preserve your own sanity. I mention this because, if you really have been living with a BPDer for over a year, it is not surprising that you are already starting to question your ability to remain sane and stable. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> She didn't trust me anymore.... She still does not trust me to not try to take custody of our child and I'm terrified that she never will.


If she is a BPDer, she is so unstable and immature that she never learned how to trust HERSELF. Until she learns that -- a process that can take years of therapy -- she will be incapable of trusting you for any extended period. Granted, she may trust you for a few days or a week. She cannot sustain it, however.



> I am certain we do need counseling.


If you decide that her pregnancy is causing a temporary flareup of her normal BPD traits, MC (marriage counseling) could be beneficial. On the other hand, if you decide that her BPD symptoms were strong over a period of many years, MC likely will be a total waste of time. Although MCs usually are good at teaching communication skills, a BPDer's issues go far beyond the lack of simple communication skills. 

A BPDer needs to learn, for example, how to do self soothing, how to regulate all of her emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong mixed feelings, how to trust, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts," and how to stay aware of the present instead of escaping through daydreams into the past and future. Absent those skills, she must continue to rely on the primitive ego defenses used by young children: projection, denial, temper tantrums, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.



> Any advice, counsel, or wisdom that may help me re-engender trust and faith from my wife would be immensely appreciated.


I suggest you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your child will be dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you learn to spot the BPD red flags to see if most apply to your W's behavior.

Of course, learning to identify these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide whether the situation warrants your seeking guidance from a psychologist.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join *Satya*, *SunC*, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Expecting.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Personally I would go ahead and file for divorce now. I've seen how this game plays out. In my case there was the addition of lots of alcohol. My guess is you will be divorced sooner or later and it's better sooner. In any case stop making threats, stop getting angry and just follow through, and file. One of two things will happen: You will actually get a divorce OR she will come around really fast. 

I went through the whole "I want a divorce" game. My Ex threw that at me so many times over the most stupid crap. It's a cry for attention and a way of trying to make you bend to her will. She eventually cheated on me. Don't start doing this yourself. Stay calm and take control. Again, you MUST be willing to leave if she doesn't change, and she must realize this if there is gong to be some improvement.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ExpectingFather said:


> Were you two able to resolve things? I understand the words never go away... but was it enough to end your relationship?
> 
> I've never been this kind of person, to give ultimatums or do anything to risk losing her. I've swallowed my pride every time she made the same threats to me and I guess I hoped she would recognize the impact of what she did and do the same. But given her circumstance, I understand how she could feel I was being extremely insensitive.
> 
> Was there anything your significant other did or could have done to at least diminish the impact of what he said? Or overshadow it and regain your trust & feeling of security?


We were yes. We are still happily married. I forgave it long ago. I know he would take it back if he could, I truly do. My point is that he can't - the damage was done, I still carry the pain in my heart and likely always will.

Were he to say it again, it would be the end of us.




Rhubarb said:


> Personally I would go ahead and file for divorce now. I've seen how this game plays out. In my case there was the addition of lots of alcohol. My guess is you will be divorced sooner or later and it's better sooner. In any case stop making threats, stop getting angry and just follow through, and file. One of two things will happen: You will actually get a divorce OR she will come around really fast.
> 
> I went through the whole *"I want a divorce" game*. My Ex threw that at me so many times over the most stupid crap. *It's a cry for attention and a way of trying to make you bend to her will*. She eventually cheated on me. Don't start doing this yourself. Stay calm and take control. Again, you MUST be willing to leave if she doesn't change, and she must realize this if there is gong to be some improvement.


^^This. My husbands ex wife would threaten him with divorce on a regular basis. One day she got the shock of her life when he simply said "Ok" and meant it. He was done. The marriage was officially over.

All of that said, your wife's behaviour is not all down to pregnancy hormones. It's completely irrational. You're not the only one at fault here.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I once worked at a job where my female supervisors said that they they liked working with me pregnant than not.
Hormones are crazy. Let it go.


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