# So...Here we go with my story....A start anyway



## AlwaysHopefulinTexas (Feb 12, 2015)

Hey Y’all!! Anyways I am a LONG time lurker to say the least. So I guess its time for me to provide my story and get some input. I feel my story is so so freaking long, but I will cut it down. Hopefully with some questions and then I can add to it. 

A little background…I was previously married for 10 years in a previous marriage and have a teenage son. We got married young. Blah blah blah. He was a cheater. I busted him old school way. Cell phone mainly and his world came tumbling down. Well so did me and my son’s word!! But once I found out he was cheating and long term, I immediatlely sought a divorce. Especially with all of the lies, etc. Once I found out and busted him I told him to sell our house asap and we were getting a DIVORCE!!!

So years later I decided to started dating and remarried. In the mean time I completed Grad school and had 2 baby girls during Grad School. After grad school my new hubby decides he wants to advance his education and of I of course support. He enrolls in Law School with my support. Anyways, he is one of the oldest, married, with kiddos enrolled. He befriends a female friend who becomes his study partner and “friend.” Along the way I become friends with her too and her family. In the meantime my hubby is now working at a law firm that she made a referral for him to work at. So now they are going to school together and working at the same law firm weekly. This of course includes lunches, etc. When I bring up my concerns 
I’m considered ridiculous, or I’m jelaous, or crazy, etc. Or I’m just bringing baggage from may last marriage. Blah, Blah, Blah . Anyways this is only a start and introduction!!! Thank you for listening if you go this far!


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## AlwaysHopefulinTexas (Feb 12, 2015)

So I guess I really didn't put in my response what the problem is. I feel the hubby has had at least and EA and possibly progressed to PA. Of course he says I'm completely crazy about this!! Figures! Pretty sure underground at this point, but I need input anyways!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm...

Any other red flags?


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## AlwaysHopefulinTexas (Feb 12, 2015)

Lets see Red Flags like I'd want to explain away.....

She go him an internship for what reason I don't know, besides, to help him out

She go him an internship with an attorney he works for now. Which has actually helps us out as a family but also allows then all day contact.

He seemed overly excited initially about there contact and what what he was experiencing in my opinion. Of course he explained it that he got a chance at something he wouldn't normally get at his age.

Another side note, of course I have befriended her as well.

We were invited to a party at her house. One of her BFF's mentions in front of ME and my Husband how she ALWAYS talks about hime. Blah, Blah, Blah.

To her defense she has been very kind to me and seeks my approval. 

Also Her HUSBAND DOES NOT LIKE MY HUSBAND AT ALL!!! Weird I know right!!

Just more info, which I will continue to include!!


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## AlwaysHopefulinTexas (Feb 12, 2015)

There may be more red flags that y'all will need to make me privy to. And I will answer honestly!!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How do you know her husband does not like your husband? Ask your husband directly why his friend's husband does not like him? If you don't get an answer then ask the other woman's husband as to why he does not like your husband. Fill us in on his response.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Opposite sex friends are out of bounds in marriage. Maybe you need to knock that value into his brain. Group lunches are fine. 1 on 1 lunches with the opposite sex are not.

Tell him you do NOT want him having this opposite sex friend. If he loves you and respects you he will respect your wishes because they are absolutely reasonable.

You can't go into "wait and see" mode. People who say to do this are wrong. If you value your marriage and want to keep it then you have to be proactive about this.

You've got giant red flags smacking you in the face right now. Heed their warning and act on it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How much are they texting?

Where and when do they study together?

How does he handle his phone? Does he sleep with it? Is it attached to his side? Do you have the password?

Do you have access to his email, Facebook, phone, tablet, computer, etc.?

If they are doing something, letting him know you're suspicious will just make him more alert?

Do you have access to his phone bill?

Does he delete texts?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW, this is important, has your sex life changed? Better or worse, stayed the same?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Have you and her husband discussed their "close friendship" ?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Get to know her hubby. The fact she is married is helpful. The two of you should be comparing notes to see if the stories align. 

The fact he reacted like you are crazy is a red flag. He should be concerned and asking what he can do to put you at ease. Telling you that it's your problem and then going about his business like there is no problem is a form of emotional abandonment.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I would imagine the other woman's husband dislikes your husband for the same reason you're uneasy... they appear to be too close.

This could be one-sided... she could feel attracted to him and is maneuvering him to stay close. At a minimum you should make sure he's aware of this. At worse, you are right and there's something more to it. 

Look... opposite-sex friends that develop in school or work places are going to happen. There are more women in these situations and you can't avoid interaction with the opposite sex. Unless there are other red flags similar to what Chaparrel mentioned, you're best to watch and observe.


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## AlwaysHopefulinTexas (Feb 12, 2015)

Sorry this is so long, but I hope it makes sense. I appreciate y'all for taking the time to read my story and provide input. I tried to answer everyone's questions in this response. I tried to bold my responses, but I guess it didn't work.

How do you know her husband does not like your husband? Ask your husband directly why his friend's husband does not like him? If you don't get an answer then ask the other woman's husband as to why he does not like your husband. Fill us in on his response.

1) To be completely honest I really don’t know for a fact if her husband does not like him or not. This is what my husband feels. I can kind of sense it too. My husband has no idea whey the husband doesn't like him. However, the “friend’s” husband seems extremely shy and you really have to pull conversation out of him. He is very nice to me and appropriate, but definitely not an extrovert. My husband feels like he has tried to have conversations with him with no success, so my hubby doesn’t feel like hanging out with them anymore as a couple or even group settings. I definitely plan on feeling him out the next time I talk to him to see what is up. At this point I don’t know if he “really” doesn’t like my husband for a specific reason or if it is his personality.

Opposite sex friends are out of bounds in marriage. Maybe you need to knock that value into his brain. Group lunches are fine. 1 on 1 lunches with the opposite sex are not.

Tell him you do NOT want him having this opposite sex friend. If he loves you and respects you he will respect your wishes because they are absolutely reasonable.

You can't go into "wait and see" mode. People who say to do this are wrong. If you value your marriage and want to keep it then you have to be proactive about this.

You've got giant red flags smacking you in the face right now. Heed their warning and act on it.

2) I couldn’t agree more with everything you wrote KingwoodKev. I no longer believe in opposite sex friends like I once did in my previous marriage and due to outcomes I’ve seen in many of my friend’s recent marriage/divorces. He knows no one on one lunches with opposite sex friends. He did twice walk to Subway with his “friend” during school to bring back for class during a review sessions. I even raised hell about that. Also, when he is at work he always goes with a group if he even goes. Now he only goes if his boss is taking the whole office now or if his boss asks him. ***He was going to lunches all the time with a group of people at work or usually with his “friend” and one of her friends and sometimes another attorney or 2. However that stopped after we got back from a weekend get-a-way with a group of friends including my husband’s “friend” and her husband and kids. That’s when he said he wasn’t interested in hanging out with them anymore.

How much are they texting?
3) Their texting is moderate. For the most part it is usually related to school or work issues. Or stroking his ego about how awesome he did on something. Nothing has been inappropriate for the most part except of few times I’ve noticed she has tried to explain things about her kids, which I really don’t think my husband needs to know or is any of his business. No deleted texts. Texts are still on his phone from when they first started texting. I’ve compared our phone bills as well.

Where and when do they study together?
3) They don’t go anywhere to study. They usually just compare answers or share outlines in the classes they have together. All via email. 

**This is where my uneasiness began when they first met at the beginning of law school and started studying together. I read an email when they were emailing back and forth and my husband told her basically that law school is very time consuming ***which believe it or not I do “get”***then he said I just didn’t understand. LOL ok whatever. She proceeded to say how her husband is super laid back and lets her do whatever.***

How does he handle his phone? Does he sleep with it? Is it attached to his side? Do you have the password?

4) He’s not really a phone person. Places phone on the counter once it gets home and stays in the same place all night until he leaves for school or work. Password on phone, but I know it and I put it on there because of my little ones trying to play with our phones.

Do you have access to his email, Facebook, phone, tablet, computer, etc.?

5) I have access to all his emails including work, passwords, Facebook, computer. Well of course he could always have a secret one I don’t know about. He has a Facebook, but I set it up and he doesn’t even look at it.

If they are doing something, letting him know you're suspicious will just make him more alert?
Bingo. Yes, I know, I know I already made a mistake confronting him early on about my concerns regarding his “friend” or “colleague” and protecting our marriage. This was before I came lurking around TAM. BIG mistake, but I can’t change that now. 

Do you have access to his phone bill?
6) Yes and I have checked out every number, etc.

Does he delete texts?
7) Never

BTW, this is important, has your sex life changed? Better or worse, stayed the same?

8) This is a little tricky or touchy for me, but I’ll answer honestly. Yes, but this was before he started school and met his school “friend” and now colleague. He has Low T & confirmed via MD, labs, etc. Much less and usually somewhat planned now. Avg 1-2/wk.

Have you and her husband discussed their "close friendship" ?

9) Yes we have definitely discussed this. At first he said it was not a friendship, but a working relationship due to school and work. Of course as time has progressed it has developed into a friendship. He acts like they only talk about work or school and occasionally superficial type topics. I have become friends with her too, because I did not feels comfortable with my husband being close whether it work, school, as friends or whatever with out me being a part of it.

Get to know her hubby. The fact she is married is helpful. The two of you should be comparing notes to see if the stories align. 

10) Definitely going to work on this. He is just really hard to gage and get conversation out of. But I’m a talked so I think I could work around this.

The fact he reacted like you are crazy is a red flag. He should be concerned and asking what he can do to put you at ease. Telling you that it's your problem and then going about his business like there is no problem is a form of emotional abandonment.

11) I absolutely agree. At first he was sympathetic and wanted to know what he could do to make me feel secure, etc. After repeated discussions after one issue or another is when he started with the I’m crazy or paranoid. This does drive me crazy He always has an answer for everything.

I would imagine the other woman's husband dislikes your husband for the same reason you're uneasy... they appear to be too close.

This could be one-sided... she could feel attracted to him and is maneuvering him to stay close. At a minimum you should make sure he's aware of this. At worse, you are right and there's something more to it. 

Look... opposite-sex friends that develop in school or work places are going to happen. There are more women in these situations and you can't avoid interaction with the opposite sex. Unless there are other red flags similar to what Chaparrel mentioned, you're best to watch and observe.

12) Chris Taylor, Thank you for your input. I have thought about this too. And I guess I struggle from my previous history/experiences too. I just refuse to be blindsided and want to be proactive.

Thank you so much to everyone!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Quite honestly OP you've got nothing, no real reason to suspect he's being unfaithful.

Sounds to me like your insecurities due to your previous experience which is understandable but not your current husbands fault.

There has been no inappropriate communication.
He's where he's supposed to be all the time.
He isn't hiding anything from you (phone, Facebook,e-mail).
Your sex life is good.

A post like yours scares me here at TAM because you're going to get a plethora of wounded betrayed spouses screaming at you that your husband's cheating due to their own triggers with the infidelity in their marraiges.
Please take this into account when reading any advice given you here.

I just don't see how your husband has done anything wrong and continuing to harp on him about it if he's innocent is the thing that will drive him away from you.

Be careful.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This seems kind of innocent. What specifically has you worried. I assumed they were getting together to study.

When checked the phone bill, did you check to see if the numbers actually matched the names?

You haven't mentioned any glaring red flags.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

i think nothings up. this does not mean it wont.

id have a boundaries discussion, based on your personal experiences...

boundaries are what separates your marriage from the evil in the world. it stops toxins from poisoning your marriage and family.

with strong boundaries, there is trust, love and it enables you to grow together every day of your lives.

discuss your concerns, issues and have him suggest what he can do different to help you (and him).

communication is ever so important in marriage. in fact, everything counts on it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sure doesn't sound like anything shady is going on. 

I mean....all the texts are there. You've talked about it. You have read the emails...nothing up. 

You will want to use caution lurking around the CWI section- there are many hurt people, while they have the best of intentions, could lead you down a painful path to nothing. 

Stay Vigilant- but remember -this man isn't your first husband. He hasn't wronged you. He is transparent and it sounds like he is attentive to your concerns. Note- he may be thinking this is crazy- if you expressed your concerns -BUT couldn't define the behaviors you wanted to see. Did you give him some idea of how to make you more comfortable? If you didn't- the next time it comes up...consider ways that are actionable -that he could demonstrate his loyalty to you. 

Love the "Y'alls" by the way. I grew up in Brazos Co. Seems like forever since I've been there. I do miss TX sometimes.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

MarriedDude said:


> I grew up in Brazos Co.


So have my kids.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MarriedDude said:


> Did you give him some idea of how to make you more comfortable? If you didn't- the next time it comes up...consider ways that are actionable -that he could demonstrate his loyalty to you.


This.

Let him know you're uncomfortable without casting blame.
Let him know it's most likely your insecurities and not his fault but that doesn't change the fact that it's still a problem.

If he's anything like me he'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to assure you of his fidelity.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I would imagine the other woman's husband dislikes your husband for the same reason you're uneasy... they appear to be too close.


 I would change that to the other woman's husband dislikes your husband for the same reason you're uneasy... they *are* to be too close.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> Love the "Y'alls" by the way. I grew up in Brazos Co. Seems like forever since I've been there. I do miss TX sometimes.


*"Y'alls" is common lingo in Brazos County, as that's where I'm largely planted with both boys having Texas A&M connections!

Time for you to come home to visit, MarriedDude!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Alwayshopeful: I usually pride myself on being the leader of the TAM "Red Flag Corp!" Having said that, I cannot find as much as one good solitary reason to start unfurling any of my flagpoles!

IMHO, and at this juncture, there is no apparent "probable cause" since most everything has already been answered very forthrightly and there are no obvious smoking guns seemingly lying around! 

Love your hubby and let him finish law school!*


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

A while ago - One of my staff - who worked for me years ago, I had stayed in touch with. After a few years, My W mentioned her concerns. I had no idea how she felt. The contact was perhaps an email back and forth or texts, maybe 2 or 3 in six months. Nothing hidden, secret, my W met her... whatever. We even met her and her BF for dinner.

With zero effort, I broke off all contact. My marriage is priority. She could have said something sooner. Nothing going on. I did not care. I respect her feelings for more than anyone. No biggie. Perhaps after she gets married, my W will change her mind? It doesn't matter to me. My wife & marriage is the priority.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Q tip said:


> With zero effort, I broke off all contact. My marriage is priority. She could have said something sooner. Nothing going on. I did not care. I respect her feelings for more than anyone. No biggie. Perhaps after she gets married, my W will change her mind? It doesn't matter to me. My wife & marriage is the priority.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree:
You reacted the way that married people that respect each other are suppose to react. You put your spouse first. I just do not get why so many posters have so much trouble understanding that this is what is normal.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

The red flag is that you are worried and he calls you crazy. 

And that you are posting here. Gut feelings that something is wrong usually mean something is wrong. 

What is your gut feeling?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Q tip said:


> A while ago - One of my staff - who worked for me years ago, I had stayed in touch with. After a few years, My W mentioned her concerns. I had no idea how she felt. The contact was perhaps an email back and forth or texts, maybe 2 or 3 in six months. Nothing hidden, secret, my W met her... whatever. We even met her and her BF for dinner.
> 
> With zero effort, I broke off all contact. My marriage is priority. She could have said something sooner. Nothing going on. I did not care. I respect her feelings for more than anyone. No biggie. Perhaps after she gets married, my W will change her mind? It doesn't matter to me. My wife & marriage is the priority.


You're a good person. Good post.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

I should clarify that he may not want to give her up as a friend doesn't automatically mean there is an affair. But it is disrespectful and could cause resentment in the longer term.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

TRy said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> You reacted the way that married people that respect each other are suppose to react. You put your spouse first. I just do not get why so many posters have so much trouble understanding that this is what is normal.


Because they're selfish and don't understand what a marriage really is.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Gut feeling is important.

Could be an innocent friendship with EA hazards.

How is your sex life?


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

You seem to have a good grasp on things.

I also think nothing bad is going on.

I like your healthy skepticism.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> Gut feeling is important.
> 
> Could be an innocent friendship with EA hazards.
> 
> How is your sex life?


She answered this question and a lot of other common questions earlier in the thread: here.

It's a big wall of text so you probably skipped it. I'll quote the part specific to your question:



> _BTW, this is important, has your sex life changed? Better or worse, stayed the same?_
> 
> 8) This is a little tricky or touchy for me, but I’ll answer honestly. Yes, but this was before he started school and met his school “friend” and now colleague. He has Low T & confirmed via MD, labs, etc. Much less and usually somewhat planned now. Avg 1-2/wk.


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## AlwaysHopefulinTexas (Feb 12, 2015)

I wanted to touch base with everyone and say thank you again to everyone that took time to read and respond to my story or issues!! lol

I wanted also to finish up any unanswered questions….
Chapparal….Phone #’s always have matched the names, etc. I have looked every single one up.

I’m embarrassed I guess to say that I have become a super snooper and I check and verify everything…..ugggg..

Q tip…We have discussed boundaries and he is willing and asks what can he can do to make me feel safe and secure….

MarriedDude…You are correct, he has done nothing to wrong me. I have never caught him in a lie and/or he has never been some where is wasn’t supposed to be.

Tacoma….You are correct….Sometimes my insecurities have taken over….I admit that my thoughts and feelings are based on fear….not intuition or a quiet knowing or facts….

TRy….I want to make sure that they remain at a safe distance….and I will remain persistent regarding that!!! I also agree with you!

aribtrator….I also I need to let him finish law school with support and peace…He really hasn’t done anything for me to think otherwise….It is really hard when I read over everything and think of how irrational I have been at times.

Q tip….This is awesome….I find you very admirable.

TRy…I agree!!!

jin….I honestly have thought about this long and hard…My gut feeling is that he is loyal and truthful….but my fear sometimes overrules my rational thought process…..but I also don’t want to be naive and let my feelings or concerns not be known or heard. I think I have been loud and clear at this point about protecting our marriage…Well at least I hope!!!

LongWalk…I agree…Sex life is good, no change, or wnl (within normal limits) LOL

2asdf2…Thank you!

Mrs Chai…Thank you!

I would like again to say thank you everyone who took the time to read my post and respond. I appreciate this forum, the input, and advice. With having a history involving infidelity I feel it affects a person for the rest of their lives. Well for me at least. I regret not getting IC immediately after my 1st marriage, but I was in survival mode for me and my son. I guess that is why I’m still dealing with these issues. Thank you all again!!! AlwaysHopefulinTexas Ya’ll!! lol 

P.S. I read over my previous posts and I’m sorry I did not spell check. Ha!Ha!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Sounds like you re doing well. Trust but verify. It is good to know you are keeping good fences.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

What have you asked him to do to make you feel safe and secure? End the friendship with the ow?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The one good thing about infidelity is you are keeping an eye on things. Stopping something before it happens is a good thing. Letting people know your boundaries are a good thing. Mate guarding is a good thing. Not being niave is a good thing.

Let others walk blindly through life. Its better to trust but verify.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP.....her is my .02

it would appear nothing devious is going on......YET.

I would say this is how affairs are born. its called a slippery slope. what starts off as an innocent co-worker or other friendship becomes, well, a "safe place" to rant about your spouse or go to when things at home aren't perfect.

little things/issues in a relationship become "amplified" when a spouse is getting their ego stroked somewhere else. that is how the friendship becomes toxic to a marriage.....and the justifications and unrealistic outlook on reality only get worse.

the womans husbad doesn't like your husband for this very reason. and of course has probably spoken to his wife about it....and he got the ususal "you are being controlling, there is nothing going on speech".

my advise to you.....DO NOT IGNORE THIS or pretend there isnt more to this. i don't have a magic answer on how to remedy this. but it is my opinion this is the start of worse to come.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I wonder if the real red flag here isn't the vague, uneasy feeling you have that your H may like her more than he is willing to admit to you and in a way that would upset you.

If this is the reality, then it is also true that feelings like this happen all the time and very often don't turn into anything. Boundaries, both emotional and physical, are very important here.

Just be vigilant.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He can get a male person to study with. Ask him to. See what he does.

Earlier, someone asked you if you had talked to HER husband about your doubts, and you answered that you had talked to YOUR husband about it. So...have you talked to her husband about it?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

OP I understand where you came from. My wife was previously married to a serial cheater. I caught hell with her accusations and "why do you look like you have just been caught doing something wrong". Because I'm trying to figure out What I Could Be Doing to make her thing I'm wanting to screw around. Several time when I had my fill i said "I not you damn ex husband!" 

I used to think the sun rose and set with her. I still love her but not as intensely. 
After 15 yrs she broke my wife goggles and my oneitus by her insinuations.

Feb 2014 after finding MMSL and a comment she made I was like F.U. I dropped from 298 to 245 in 75 days and packed on the muscle. Dropped 15 yrs of pent up resentment in her lap over 3 days. And was no longer needy acting as she called it for wanting to make love to my wife more than 3 a month. 

Sex was not the same either....used to have to pace self as I was soo in to her. After the incident .....I could go for more than an hour PIV and may or may not climax. Her behavior broke(or changed) something in me. I see her faults and imperfections now. It saddens me it's different.

SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HER! I told her i never wanted to hear it again and if she ever threw the D word at me again she better be ready for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A little bit caustic in the way you arrived at that, but basically the same thing we tell everyone - you have to be willing to walk away from your marriage, for it to be a healthy one.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Caustic????? Please enlighten me. I was a "Nice Guy"
My marriage has definitely moved to a more mature level. She is 3.5 yrs older and grew up in the school of hard knocks. Practically raised 2 brothers from age of 13. Now I have TAKEN the helm, she finally feels like she can relax and does not feel like she HAS to make the life decisions. She feels safe now like some one is taking care of her for a change.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As many others have said there appears to be no real substance to your angst. Try not to project your ex husband's persona onto your new mate. He may become somewhat resentful for your suspicions and that would be be regrettable. I do understand "once bitten, twice shy" but try not to allow your prejudice from past experience to overshadow this relationship.

I do agree that opposite sex friends are not usually a good thing in a marriage but in working and classroom environments it is sometimes unavoidable.

Your H sounds like a straight up guy so be prudent but not paranoid. Good fortune to you and the new barrister.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Divinely Favored said:


> Caustic????? Please enlighten me. I was a "Nice Guy"





> Feb 2014 after finding MMSL and a comment she made I was like F.U.
> 
> Dropped 15 yrs of pent up resentment in her lap over 3 days.
> 
> SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HER! I told her i never wanted to hear it again and if she ever threw the D word at me again she better be ready for it.


Coming from where you you came from, yeah, a pretty big change.

Not saying it's wrong, just a big adjustment.


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