# Emotional support, what does it mean to you?



## hoping4better

My wife has expressed that i need to do more in terms of emotional support. I can understand the term if someone is going through trauma or a particular significant event, but I'm not sure what that means* in the "everyday life" sense.* I tried probing several times to understand but she didn't really give me much. Im trying to get ladies views on this and I understand that each person may have their own individual interpretation but perhaps some collective input would help me understand a but more. This is impacting our marriage in a huge way. One request is to please try and be as specific as possible maybe throw in some examples ( a general answer like, emotional support means that you get her, doesn't help me much  ).
Thanks


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## Syrum

I think emotional support to me would be willing to engage in conversations that go beyond surface topics. When I feel emotionally supported and bonded, usually that means we have talked about certain issues in depth, and I have felt like he really heard me and understood my perspective.


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## hoping4better

Syrum said:


> I think emotional support to me would be willing to engage in conversations that go beyond surface topics. When I feel emotionally supported and bonded, usually that means we have talked about certain issues in depth, and I have felt like he really heard me and understood my perspective.


Thanks good example, so these would be any issues? could be how the day went at work or solving the worlds energy crisis, did I get that right?
keep em coming ladies, please


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## unbelievable

The earth is green because it's fertilized with the bodies of billions of men who killed themselves trying to please a woman. Good luck in your pursuit.


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## hoping4better

unbelievable said:


> The earth is green because it's fertilized with the bodies of billions of men who killed themselves trying to please a woman. Good luck in your pursuit.


I hear you buddy! im still in the optimistic phase though and earnestly trying hard with a true belief that things can change for the better...hence my name hoping 4 better


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Don't overthink it.
Emotional support can be as simple as knowing exactly how to make someone smile, or better yet, laugh. 
Also knowing when you to put your arm around someone.
It doesn't have to be complex or even involve words.


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## momof2bellas

I must say that my husband lacks emotional support daily! He just doesn't understand it. What I am missing from him is just the fact that when I am upset, Id like him to be like its ok and if you need me I'm here, instead he says dumb **** like, well you can't be mad at me, I didnt have control or it wasn't my fault. Ok, that's NOT what I wanted to hear. Sometimes when Im feeling fat or just not pretty, Id like to hear you look beautiful but if I say I just feel like i look awful today, he will say you look fine. I don't want to hear fine, I want beautiful. That's my version of emotional support in which my husband, doesn't know. So maybe try making her smile during the day or telling her shes pretty or just a hug every now and then...that might do the trick.


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## morituri

momof2bellas said:


> I must say that my husband lacks emotional support daily! He just doesn't understand it. What I am missing from him is just the fact that when I am upset, Id like him to be like its ok and if you need me I'm here, instead he says dumb **** like, well you can't be mad at me, I didnt have control or it wasn't my fault. Ok, that's NOT what I wanted to hear. Sometimes when Im feeling fat or just not pretty, Id like to hear you look beautiful but if I say I just feel like i look awful today, he will say you look fine. I don't want to hear fine, I want beautiful. That's my version of emotional support in which my husband, doesn't know. So maybe try making her smile during the day or telling her shes pretty or just a hug every now and then...that might do the trick.


If he actually said these things to you, would you believe him? or would you say to him *"you're just saying that because you're my husband"*


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## Trenton

hoping4better said:


> My wife has expressed that i need to do more in terms of emotional support. I can understand the term if someone is going through trauma or a particular significant event, but I'm not sure what that means* in the "everyday life" sense.* I tried probing several times to understand but she didn't really give me much. Im trying to get ladies views on this and I understand that each person may have their own individual interpretation but perhaps some collective input would help me understand a but more. This is impacting our marriage in a huge way. One request is to please try and be as specific as possible maybe throw in some examples ( a general answer like, emotional support means that you get her, doesn't help me much  ).
> Thanks


Emotional support examples are:

Showing interest in how she feels by asking questions...
"How was your day?"
"Can I help you with anything?"

Paying attention to her natural cues and letting you know you recognize them and care about them...
"You look stressed out. I don't want you to feel that way."
"I don't like it when you feel disconnected from me. I want to connect with you."

Taking action to make her feel good is a way of connecting too...
~Buying her a small gift that you know she'd like for no reason and then commenting when she smiles that you love to see her smile or comment that you just want her to be happy.
~Telling her you'd like to go for a walk together and unwind.
~Do something you don't normally do to surprise her and give her a smile when she is delightfully surprised.

*Granted, this all has to be reciprocated by her. If she takes advantage of your care, commitment and showing of affection then she's dealing with a problem that I would guess has more to do with herself and how she feels rather than her connection with you. In other words, she's not in a place where she can connect.


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## madimoff

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Don't overthink it.
> Emotional support can be as simple as knowing exactly how to make someone smile, or better yet, laugh.
> Also knowing when you to put your arm around someone.
> It doesn't have to be complex or even involve words.


I was struggling to come up with specific enough an answer, but this one is quite good as a generic!


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## notaname

Listen without judgment.
Do NOT invalidate my feelings or experiences.
Do not cry because I am crying or take it personally if it really is about me.
Offer advice only when it is asked for. Otherwise just be my sounding board.


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## madimoff

Trenton said:


> Emotional support examples are:
> 
> Showing interest in how she feels by asking questions...
> "How was your day?"
> "Can I help you with anything?"
> 
> Paying attention to her natural cues and letting you know you recognize them and care about them...
> "You look stressed out. I don't want you to feel that way."
> "I don't like it when you feel disconnected from me. I want to connect with you."
> Taking action to make her feel good is a way of connecting too...
> ~Buying her a small gift that you know she'd like for no reason and then commenting when she smiles that you love to see her smile or comment that you just want her to be happy.~Telling her you'd like to go for a walk together and unwind.
> ~Do something you don't normally do to surprise her and give her a smile when she is delightfully surprised.
> 
> *Granted, this all has to be reciprocated by her. If she takes advantage of your care, commitment and showing of affection then she's dealing with a problem that I would guess has more to do with herself and how she feels rather than her connection with you. In other words, she's not in a place where she can connect.


:iagree: in my dreams, of course, but I agree!


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## southbound

hoping4better said:


> My wife has expressed that i need to do more in terms of emotional support. I can understand the term if someone is going through trauma or a particular significant event, but I'm not sure what that means* in the "everyday life" sense.* I tried probing several times to understand but she didn't really give me much. Im trying to get ladies views on this and I understand that each person may have their own individual interpretation but perhaps some collective input would help me understand a but more. This is impacting our marriage in a huge way. One request is to please try and be as specific as possible maybe throw in some examples ( a general answer like, emotional support means that you get her, doesn't help me much  ).
> Thanks


I had the same issue. My x wife said I didn't give her what she needed emotionally. I'm not sure what that consists of, but apparently I don't need much myself, so its difficult to know how to give it.


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## madimoff

southbound said:


> I had the same issue. My x wife said I didn't give her what she needed emotionally. I'm not sure what that consists of, but apparently I don't need much myself, so its difficult to know how to give it.



Maybe the problem we women have defining what emotional support is (apart from the obvious that everyone's definition is likely to be slightly different) is that to me, anyway, I'm a package and anyone loving/supporting me and my emotional self needs to demonstrate support for all those different bits - I'd like to be cherished. Not every hour of every day would it need to be demonstrated, but losing that feeling would be (IS) very painful and destroys a part of the relationship. I'd like to be touched - not talking sex here, just the arm round the waist, hand on the thigh in the car, finger over the back of the neck type touches ...
I'd like to be given reassurance of my place in his life. Verbal, out loud, reassurance that I'm important. I'd like to receive support when there's a problem I'm dealing with. 
Two observations: yes he deserves whatever support he would like. 
secondly, ok it might seem I'm talking about pretty much everything rather than what OP asked, but to me it all matters and all demonstrates support of me as his partner in our relationship. 
ramble over.


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## heartbroken1957

Tell her that You are responsible for your own feelings and she does not need to go out of her way to make the men of this world feel fulfilled. LOL. Not really, she would never believe you and look at you as if you had just lost your mind. 
But still every woman would love to hear that. 

Kind of along that line though, we can't read your mind. For Gods sake if something is bugging you talk about it. Don't let it turn up months later as big as a mountain. Talk to her, get in that kitchen and help cook, set the table, put away the dishes. Gossip with us. We love hearing the jokes you heard today. Anything you talk about will make a connection with us. Turn on the radio and dance her from the sink to the stove, dip her over the table and kiss her while you look deep in her eyes. That is a connection. One that will stay with her all evening.


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## heartbroken1957

Oh what I was thinking above was, do you remember when you first were dating. You doted on her every word. You knew her girlfriends, who they were dating and what her favorite song was. 
Can you name the girls and what her favorite song is now. 
That was what drew us to you. You cared what we thought and what was happening in our world.


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## AppleDucklings

momof2bellas said:


> I must say that my husband lacks emotional support daily! He just doesn't understand it. What I am missing from him is just the fact that when I am upset, Id like him to be like its ok and if you need me I'm here, instead he says dumb **** like, well you can't be mad at me, I didnt have control or it wasn't my fault. Ok, that's NOT what I wanted to hear. Sometimes when Im feeling fat or just not pretty, Id like to hear you look beautiful but if I say I just feel like i look awful today, he will say you look fine. I don't want to hear fine, I want beautiful. That's my version of emotional support in which my husband, doesn't know. So maybe try making her smile during the day or telling her shes pretty or just a hug every now and then...that might do the trick.


this is how my exH was to me. He never told me I was beautiful unless I asked him how I looked. He never just told me. If I was down in the dumps, he would ignore me. I gave him those hints that something was the matter but he would never ask me about it. When I would finally ask him if he would give me a shoulder to cry on, he would then tell me "to make it quick" that he didnt have time to listen to my b!tch!ngs about something that probably wasnt important anyways.


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## southbound

I've given this some thought about what it means to "me." I'm the type that looks at the glass as half full instead of half empty. When I evaluate how happy I am or how content I should be, I not only look at the positives, but I look at the negatives that are not present in my life which very well could be, which to me, translates into a positive. I know a lot of people chuckle at that.

With that said, I think just the fact that I had a woman who thought enough of me and loved me enough to say "I do" and the fact that she was lying beside me each night and living with me was enough emotional stuff for me. She didn't have to have any special skills to keep me emotionally fit. If I needed to talk or something, I would ask for it, and if it wasn't important enough to ask for, I didn't hold her accountable for not doing something.

When I was married, I was one of the boring people who said to myself, "I have a good wife, financial stability, good health, happy intelligent kids, and no major issues to contend with; what more could a person ask for?" Everything else is just a bonus, and I guess I don't need a lot of bonuses.


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## wemogirl

madimoff said:


> Maybe the problem we women have defining what emotional support is (apart from the obvious that everyone's definition is likely to be slightly different) is that to me, anyway, I'm a package and anyone loving/supporting me and my emotional self needs to demonstrate support for all those different bits - I'd like to be cherished. Not every hour of every day would it need to be demonstrated, but losing that feeling would be (IS) very painful and destroys a part of the relationship. I'd like to be touched - not talking sex here, just the arm round the waist, hand on the thigh in the car, finger over the back of the neck type touches ...
> I'd like to be given reassurance of my place in his life. Verbal, out loud, reassurance that I'm important. I'd like to receive support when there's a problem I'm dealing with.
> Two observations: yes he deserves whatever support he would like.
> secondly, ok it might seem I'm talking about pretty much everything rather than what OP asked, but to me it all matters and all demonstrates support of me as his partner in our relationship.
> ramble over.


Very well put. Sometimes it's the little things and the overall attitude that make the difference.


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## Enchantment

unbelievable said:


> The earth is green because it's fertilized with the bodies of billions of men who killed themselves trying to please a woman. Good luck in your pursuit.



@ unbelievable ~

Ha Ha. You make me chuckle if nothing else. 

I thought men were smarter than this, so I see that I will have to revise my opinion of them.


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## Enchantment

Well, without your wife communicating her wishes to you, or you not discerning them through her other actions/words what it is that she wishes, you are taking a bit of a shot in the dark. Does she complain about anything in particular?

Here's a good list that you might be interested in looking through that could spur further thought or conversations with your wife: The Most Important Emotional Needs


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## AFEH

My understanding is that you’ve got to be “easy to talk to”. For me that was a very difficult thing to do with my wife. Mainly because her talking was a monologue, not a dialogue. She didn’t want interrupting and most definitely didn’t want any solutions to the problems she was expressing.

I used to watch her in quite times with a good female friend out on the balcony, they’d sit there for hours, one monologue after the other. It seems like all they need to do is express and share problems and at times laugh about them, nothing more than that. And when they’re done they look like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, totally refreshed, it’s really quite strange. Personally I found it difficult to keep my mouth shut and found myself stifling a yawn, but these things are important to woman.

Ask any woman what she finds attractive about a man she’s in an EA with and she’ll say “He’s easy to talk to”. Be that man for your wife.


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## Trenton

AFEH said:


> My understanding is that you’ve got to be “easy to talk to”. For me that was a very difficult thing to do with my wife. Mainly because her talking was a monologue, not a dialogue. She didn’t want interrupting and most definitely didn’t want any solutions to the problems she was expressing.
> 
> I used to watch her in quite times with a good female friend out on the balcony, they’d sit there for hours, one monologue after the other. It seems like all they need to do is express and share problems and at times laugh about them, nothing more than that. And when they’re done they look like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, totally refreshed, it’s really quite strange. Personally I found it difficult to keep my mouth shut and found myself stifling a yawn, but these things are important to woman.
> 
> Ask any woman what she finds attractive about a man she’s in an EA with and she’ll say “He’s easy to talk to”. Be that man for your wife.


Strangely, I completely agree.


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## SimplyAmorous

I think alot of men (not all) tend to want to "FIX" things, they may not even realize they are doing this but the wives are wanting to be HEARD, whatever it is that particular day, trouble at work, with the kids, etc. Many men just want to jump to the root of the problem and actively DO something about it. And women just want you to listen -before the fixing. I think this too, is a form of emotional support. 

Listening, acknowleging her feelings. 

My husband is a fantastic listener and gives me this but I have heard many women complain that theirs don't. 

Many excellent examples on this thread already. I also feel women want to feel their men "need" them, you WANT to talk to her, share your day, hear about her day (asking questions is good!) , the give & take of lively communication, you want to touch your wife, be a part of her world, even if you may not like what she is watching on Tv, sit down beside her anyway -cause you want to be near her. Little things like this. 

How To Build An Emotional Connection | Lifescript.com


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## madimoff

wemogirl said:


> Very well put. Sometimes it's the little things and the overall attitude that make the difference.


 Thanks. I sometimes think I talk to myself!!!!


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## southbound

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think alot of men (not all) tend to want to "FIX" things, they may not even realize they are doing this but the wives are wanting to be HEARD, whatever it is that particular day, trouble at work, with the kids, etc. Many men just want to jump to the root of the problem and actively DO something about it. And women just want you to listen -before the fixing. I think this too, is a form of emotional support.
> 
> Listening, acknowleging her feelings.
> 
> My husband is a fantastic listener and gives me this but I have heard many women complain that theirs don't.
> 
> Many excellent examples on this thread already. I also feel women want to feel their men "need" them, you WANT to talk to her, share your day, hear about her day (asking questions is good!) , the give & take of lively communication, you want to touch your wife, be a part of her world, even if you may not like what she is watching on Tv, sit down beside her anyway -cause you want to be near her. Little things like this.
> 
> How To Build An Emotional Connection | Lifescript.com



More good point, SimplyAmorous. My x probably didn't think I needed her. I could cook, clean, iron my clothes, wash my clothes, dress myself, take care of finances, etc. Since I've been divorced, I've had several women tell me that It's amazing how I take care of myself in all aspects now, even the kids. They say they've never seen a recently divorced man seem so able with his young kids. One woman told me, "My husband wouldn't know straight up from down if I left him, but you seem to be doing good."

As far as sharing my day, I rarely talked about my work. Whether I had a good or bad day, the last thing I wanted to do was replay it in words when I got home. 

I've learned a lot from this forum. I've concluded that I'm not a bad person, I wouldn't harm a fly, maybe I was just a bad husband. Maybe my personality just doesn't lend itself to being in a relationship. It would be my desire to make a woman happy and to give her what she needs, but how much can a person change and still retain the essence of who they are?

Maybe i should just conclude that I'm not the marrying kind and spare some woman the agony of being with a too independent, logical, no edge, calm, guy who doesn't talk much.


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## hoping4better

I think these are great responses, as expected to each their own definition but seems there is some consensus on certain points: *conversation *(talking about how the day went, sharing on how my day went), *showing genuine interest and attention when she is talking*(not try to solve the problem vs being a good listener), *touch intimacy* (hugs, small kisses, touching in a non sexual way etc...)..
I started to do all of this, make change in my habits, I cant see any visible change in my wife's behavior as a result..I suspect she feels that this is not a permanent change but rather a temporary one, It would be nice to see some reciprocity, since I feel like im running out of steam (no intimacy in the relationship). Like the other poster part of my challenge is that im also quite independent, I cook, clean, take care of my clothes, can handle the kids..also once im home the last thing on my mind is to have a conversation about how the day went at work, we both work at the same company so to me it would feel like 1 continuous day at the office, not what i want to do!


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## 4sure

Appreciation
Compliments
Enjoy time spent together. 
Intimate talks
Expressions of love


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## Syrum

As I said in the my first post it's feeling heard. So if you tell him about your day he's listening. (My fiance allways listens to me tell him about all that stuff). 

It's also remembering things she likes, if you know she has a favourite food, make it for her or buy it for her. If you know she likes to do certain things or wants to go somewhere take it up on your self to make arrangements to go there. (My fiance has also done this and I really like that about him). Buy little gifts for her or things that show you were thinking of her and paying attention.

Notice and praise her for the for she makes for you, so if she dresses nicely for you then give her positive reinforcement and tell her she looks good. If she has grown her for you for example, tell her you love her hair. I love it when my fiance notices me and praises me. It makes me want to do more things for him and that he likes.

This type of stuff makes me feel emotionally connected because I feel like he's getting me and what I need and making a real effort.


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