# Not sure if wife cheated....need advice



## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

1


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I have to say I'm not really clear on what your question is. You have divorced her right? Or have you just had her served with papers and not finalized? 

Either way - based on the info you posted she's not remorseful for her actions so keep walking. As new as the marriage was you need to make her walk over broken glass proving her remorse before you even begin to think about taking her back. If you don't make sure to leave a scar she'll never forget and you take her back - you'll be here again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm confused are now divorced from her?

You've been lied to and gaslighted by her and her whole family. She has clearly been having an affair and her family is more ths happy to help her do it.

I don't see you saving this one. Time to seek an annulment if you can and walk away. She has clearly chosen him over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Yes I am divorced now but went through with it when I had asked her to come with me on work trip as a way of re-igniting a spark and build on a fun experience, but she said no she was going to up to ? (tix he bought). She said it was her dad's b-day and all. I told her if you didnt come with me were over. It was the line in the sand that she needed to prioritize what was important. She also wound up extending the trip an extra day and she says her father wanted her to stay one more day. 

She says she doesnt speak to this other guy anymore, but I have no proof of it? She was never this overly sexual person in the relationship and was rather a prude so it doesnt fit her personality to do this... 

Im likely bargaining with myself trying to steer this situation to what I want. How can I fix this?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Ballin. Honey, I don't think you can fix this. You are divorced, and she seems to be fine with that, from what you say.

I think you need to fix your own life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is not the wife you were looking for. Move on. Find someone who can love you and not have sex with other men.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> Funny im divorced but still keeping up hope. If it was anyone of my closets friends or faily I would say run!
> 
> Thanks!


Follow your own advice. Let her go. You're divorced and still pining for her to come back to you. If she still loved you, she would be the one trying to win you back. It's over.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You already know what your going to hear and you already know what you have to do. Man up and do it. Move on.

You got a lemon dude, this is open and shut. Let go of the day dreams about fixing it, it's fuct. She's fuct.

Go out and slam a few beers, hit the titty bar and celebrate the fact you didn't have kids with this harpy.

Sorry your here bro. Sucks.

Suggestion= FTW:FTW


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

His ex wife dont want him, her family dont want him then why the hell you are chasing her to come back. One thing is sure it was not you who filed for D.

Move on man, there is a beautiful world beyond her as$ hole. Move on with your life, find a girl who is faithful to you, who treat you better, who loves and care you.

Your ex wife is your past, get rid of your past and look into future.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ironically enough - it's even odds that if you finally do really let her go and go indifferent on her she'll suddenly get much more interested in you. Don't fall for it if she does.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Don't put yourself back into it now that you've just got out of it.I know it may not seem like it at the moment,but time and distance will overcome the pain and eventually you'll get back into the dance.At least you should be really happy you don't have to deal with her family for the rest of your life.What a terrible crew! My view is that your life just took a turn for the better.Take care.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I hope you got tested for STD's.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

She says she wants me now and that she wants to work on us. She swears that she never had any physical contact with any other guy. Maybe Im just so naive, but I beleive her. Whether or not it was physical it still destroys the fact that another man had courted my ex-wife and she went along. 

Im so hurt and I dont want to let go, even though legally im divorced. The collateral dmage is awful too with my family and friends b/c of all the people in the world I was the last person who deserved this. 

Another amazing thing to add about the god awful nye weekend. That sunday night I saved an old womans life as she was choking and I perforomed the hemlich with her laying on her back. It was an out of body experience bc she would have died. No joke! She was blue and limp, and was in and out of conscioiusness. The whole restaurant exploeded with applause and I was on cloud 9, but only for a moment as my wife was away. I told her this story via text and she said some lame remark. I dont know about you but somewhere I was hoping to prove my worth and hvae her say she is lucky to have someone like me. Im not a big spiritual person, but I guess if she didnt leave I would have never been in that restaurant and saved this womans life.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I presume you both are quite young (mid 20's)? Was she your first love? Yeah it's incredibly hard to get over but your job now is to do just that. Not your fault, some people are not ready for marriage. And sometimes even when they are, this mess can happen. Move forward, work on yourself and stop pining for a girl who (with the aid of her family) shut you out of her life within months of your wedding. Hit the gym, see a counselor to deal with your grief, and spend as much time w friends as possible. Eventually you'll stop spending that time talking/thinking about your ex. Do your best to forget her...good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

She never filed for divorce she saw a lawyer and received council. Funny enough when I confronter her mother about it she was saying that she hoped she would get some advice and a better idea of what she was doing. Such BS i tell you. If you want advice seek a therapist, priset, rabbi, someone in the community you respect, not a divorce lawyer!

I was the one that filed. Just like everything else she never has the balls to confront or deal with issues, wants me to be the fall guy and handle everything. 

That lawyer visit just demonstrates the mindset of her trip up to see this guy. She felt like she was free which is why i expect the worse.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> I am a guy and I can tell you I am not purchasing another flight for a woman if there isnt some pereived notion of me hooking up


Listen to yourself here ^^^



Ballin21 said:


> Im likely bargaining with myself trying to steer this situation to what I want. How can I fix this?


and not here^^^

You know what time it is man - just swallow it and move on best you can.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Dude...you can do whatever you want w your life, most of us are just trying to save you more, harder pain down the road.

She wants to "work on things"??

I hope you laughed and said, "guess you shouldn't have divorced me then. Peace out.". Don't go down the rabbit hole. Why would you believe anything she says? She and her fam lied to you repeatedly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

Even if she took you back and you got married again it wouldn't last, she'd cheat again, divorce you again and you'd be a two time loser.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Balin she cheated. No guy would be buying her tickets etc if he wasn't hoping to get some, and no woman would leave her husband on NYE to be with another guy if she wasn't planning on given some.

She knew the score when she accepted the ticket and she knew it when she left to be with him.

Ok, so when she had him all to herself she didn't like him much. Turns out when she had you all to herself she didn't like you much.

See a pattern here?

If you do even consider her again, demand she take a polygraph to prove no PA. You know what you'll get - a demand that you trust her - because she knows that she can't pass.

Seriously, you're young. You escaped a short marriage to an remorseless cheater. why would you lock yourself back in jail?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> She never filed for divorce she saw a lawyer and received council. Funny enough when I confronter her mother about it she was saying that she hoped she would get some advice and a better idea of what she was doing. Such BS i tell you. If you want advice seek a therapist, priset, rabbi, someone in the community you respect, not a divorce lawyer!
> 
> I was the one that filed. Just like everything else she never has the balls to confront or deal with issues, wants me to be the fall guy and handle everything.
> 
> That lawyer visit just demonstrates the mindset of her trip up to see this guy. She felt like she was free which is why i expect the worse.


She didn't have to file for divorce. She was getting this other guy to finance her affair and leaving you at home. She had complete freedom already - why would she need to put the effort and cost of divorcing you?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, of course she cheated on you. No dude is going to cough out cash for plane tickets in this economy and these gas prices if he WASN'T getting any.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You need to understand something:

You are just the back up plan. That is all. Good luck with that.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

She may have been a great girl once (you married her)...but she ain't no more. And you know it.

Let her feel her regrets over banging some douche in NY during the honeymoon phase of your marriage, instead of spending that time cherishing you, her husband. She doesn't deserve your second thoughts, she knows this, and if you do give in now, she'll respect you even less than she already did. Which clearly wasn't much.

If for some reason you do entertain taking her back (Russian roulette to the extreme), be a different person. Set hard boundaries. Don't expect a hollywood happy ending though, because she blindsided you and lied to you before. Be prepared to throw her crap on the lawn before too long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> She says she wants me now and that she wants to work on us. She swears *that she never had any physical contact with any other guy. * Maybe Im just so naive, but I beleive her. Whether or not it was physical it still destroys the fact that another man had courted my ex-wife and she went along.
> 
> Im so hurt and I dont want to let go, even though legally im divorced. The collateral dmage is awful too with my family and friends b/c of all the people in the world I was the last person who deserved this.
> 
> Another amazing thing to add about the god awful nye weekend. That sunday night I saved an old womans life as she was choking and I perforomed the hemlich with her laying on her back. It was an out of body experience bc she would have died. No joke! She was blue and limp, and was in and out of conscioiusness. The whole restaurant exploeded with applause and I was on cloud 9, but only for a moment as my wife was away. I told her this story via text and she said some lame remark. I dont know about you but somewhere I was hoping to prove my worth and hvae her say she is lucky to have someone like me. Im not a big spiritual person, but I guess if she didnt leave I would have never been in that restaurant and saved this womans life.


She travelled against your wishes to go have sex with another man. So now it might be ok because it may have just been one man. Like that is not disrespectful enough. She lied to you before. 

The thing is she has proved she cannot be trusted, does not respect you and is willing to spread her legs for another man just because she wanted to. 

As has been stated her family enabled this cheating.

You do not have children with this woman. Do you really want to have children with a woman like this. You do not want to have children that take any of her traits. Find someone better.

Realize too that taking her back at all shows low value period. She will just cuckold you again ... and again. Have some self respect. You do not need this woman in your life. Find a worthy woman.

Move on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

8 months into the marriage and she cheats on you? More than that, the absolute lack of respect should be the deal breaker. Right now, she is feeling lonely and wants attention


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

All the comments here are all the feelings I have been feeling and its more confirmation that going through with the divorce was the right move. I want to make it clear that I filed for divorce even though she saw a layer before me. After what I went through one would think if she wanted to reconcile she would have had that ah ha moment and offer up transparency. Nope! she never opened her life. I explain it like this. If an innocent man was acused of murder trust me he would call in the POPE to dismiss him. We continuosly argue bc I am hurt bc of her actions yet she does nothing to win me back or do something nice? Why wont she do it? If the most important person in your world was leaving wouldnt you do something?? Im just so much different than she is. They say when a heart breaks it doesnt break even.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Why would she need to win you back? She knows that you're sitting there pining for her.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

Ballin21 said:


> We continuosly argue bc I am hurt bc of her actions yet she does nothing to win me back or do something nice? Why wont she do it? If the most important person in your world was leaving wouldnt you do something??


Obviously you aren't the most important person in her life.

Far from it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should stop even accepting any contact from her. Honestly, she's kinda evil for what she did, and without any remorse at all.

Drop this chick completely out of your life - block her email, phone etc. Don't respond to anything from her it only slows do you moving on.

As for moving on, get out and see some women they'll help you stay clear of thoughts of letting her back in, and you'll find out that other women aren't like her. And that's a darn good thing because she's just nasty.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> Why wont she do it? If the most important person in your world was leaving wouldnt you do something?? Im just so much different than she is. They say when a heart breaks it doesnt break even.


Because she doesn't actually respect you or value you. She didn't while a married and she doesn't now. Frankly, the big thing you did right was flat out divorce her.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Very True. I think she is messedup from her childhood and then come and go of her father. That side of the family never even came to our wedding which put a rift between me and her when her dad mysteriously popped back in her life a few months ago. Not my family so I stay out, but how can a father not attend his first bron wedding? Piece of trash. He complains he didnt have money yet he found a way to make another trip elsewhere. My ex has always yearned for his approval as she was from a previous marriage that is different from her bro and sis. She will always be second class to him. Meanwhhile I ha to deal with her crying and being hurt and it drove me mad. I wanted to get him a piece of my mind.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Time to move on bro. I'm 49 years old and spent the better part of 35 years being in love with my ex wife. Like your ex, she has her share of daddy issues. Trust me: YOU CANNOT FIX HER. Let her go and find someone who will cherish you and not spread her legs at the drop of a hat.

Consider yourself lucky that you didn't have children with her. Move forward and don't look back. You sound like a really good guy and she was fortunate to have you. Go sow some wild oats and then settle down.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> Very True. I think she is messedup from her childhood and then come and go of her father. That side of the family never even came to our wedding which put a rift between me and her when her dad mysteriously popped back in her life a few months ago. Not my family so I stay out, but how can a father not attend his first bron wedding? Piece of trash. He complains he didnt have money yet he found a way to make another trip elsewhere. My ex has always yearned for his approval as she was from a previous marriage that is different from her bro and sis. She will always be second class to him. Meanwhhile I ha to deal with her crying and being hurt and it drove me mad. I wanted to get him a piece of my mind.


 It is not just her father that is messed up. It is her whole family. The other man (OM) was a friend of her brother so her siblings knew and supported the affair. The OM sent her a love note addressed to her at her mother's home, so her mother also supported the affair. They knew about and helped her cheat, this fact will never go away and cannot be fixed.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> Very True. I think she is messedup from her childhood and then come and go of her father. That side of the family never even came to our wedding which put a rift between me and her when her dad mysteriously popped back in her life a few months ago. Not my family so I stay out, but how can a father not attend his first bron wedding? Piece of trash. He complains he didnt have money yet he found a way to make another trip elsewhere. My ex has always yearned for his approval as she was from a previous marriage that is different from her bro and sis. She will always be second class to him. Meanwhhile I ha to deal with her crying and being hurt and it drove me mad. I wanted to get him a piece of my mind.


You are divorced after only 8 months of marriage. She did not respect you as a person or husband and treated you with contempt. 

Yes, she did have an affair and it was physical. The guy paid for her ticket to NY and he had plans to go to her while you were away. A casual friend does not board a plane to visit and talk to a member of the opposite sex behind their spouses back.

There was just too much drama going on. Disrespect, lies, hidden agendas and betrayals abound.

You need to cut off all contact with her and her family. You need to move on and get a life without her. Despite what you think is the source of her problems, she will probably not change. It would take years of therapy for her to even recognize or admit to these deep seated traumas. Even then there are no guarantees that her behavior will improve. You are speculating that her behavior comes from childhood trauma, which may or may not be true. It could be as simple as she is selfish and narcissistic.

Regardless, you are well rid of her and her family. Cut contact and move on. Count yourself lucky that you found out this soon.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Ballin21 said:


> I have known my wife of just 8 months for close to 5 years...During those 8 months I have noticed her becoming increasingly short, lack of intimacy (*no sex* in 3-4 months; *no sex* even on my b-day which was the eye-opener) basically felt like a *roomate.*


Your wife viewed you as a meal ticket, a so-called "beta/gamma provider." Once the marriage happened, it was no longer necessary for her to fake sexual attraction to you. With the home front secure, she was free to pursue more exciting guys on the side. Also consider that your XW may have been getting together with this guy far into the past, with the knowledge, aid, and abetment of her entire family.

To understand the reasons why this is, read Roissy.

To understand how to apply Roissy's unsavory revelations toward a successful long term relationship read Athol Kay's blog and book.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

So her mother wasnt 100% in the know of her relationship with this deuche, as when i saw the val card I had spoke with her. My ex had said it was from her Dad and her mother, who always is in fear of losing her daughter all the time, believed her. I do believe she lead on to make me believe she was in the clouds but that is far from the truth and not my problem anymore. Funny she has downplayed the whole friendship thing and when i asked her about their history she says they were good friends for a whie. I said why didnt we invite him to the wedding...cricket cricket ; She then says I have alot of friends you dont know. I reply none of them seem to send you valentines day cards and or air tix to go see them do they? She adamatly denies sex or any physical relationship, but i dont trust them. The frustrating thing if she would admit her wrongs, open her heart and be truthful things could have been different. She chose the messy path and Im just bent out of shape bc i try to rationalize irational behavior. Only adds to my confusion.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you confused? Is there any situation where a man, who the woman's husband doesn't know, would by a woman tickets to come visit on NYE, and the come stay with him, when he wasn't hooking up with her? 

Are there any situation where a married woman would keep her husband in the dark about a man, who is buying her stuff, whom she is leaving to be with on NYE instead of her newlywed husband, where she wasn't hooking up and having a relationship?

It's not that you are confused, it's that you do not like the facts you know to be true. That's not confusion, that's a desire to have it have been different. I think that's called regret.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Ballin, are you even listening to anyone at all or are you just writing a blog to vent about your ex-wife.

It's over, move on with your life. DO NOT TAKE her back, you'll be sorry if you do. If you say you can't find another girl like her, trust me, there are better girls out there than her. More beautiful and will treat you good.

Or you can take her back and be back here in another couple of years with 1 or 2 kids and crying your heart out again about what you should do.

And she was your ex-wife so it was not cheating. Don't waste your life chasing trash.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop being confussed and hold these ideas close to your heart;

1) no man buys a air ticks and val card without getting laid

2) she is a liar and broken and has the family issues to back it up 

3) she had her chance to end all and didn't take it.


She is broken and it will be like this for a long time the ups and downs in her behaviors, the best thing you can hope for is her to find a new boy friend ASAP so she stops bothering you.

She wants what she can't have and once you go back to her she will be at it again.

Dude move as far away from her as possible and change your numbers, turn your FB off and move on.

I guess you could get back with her then she will leave you alone, tell her you love her and want to be with her. She will then think she has you and then the both of you can move on with out each other. At least in her crazy mind she will think you are with her......if you know what I mean LOL LOL LOL

But in all seriousness stop engaging her she will mind f^ck you till no end!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I guess you must love the drama if you are still allowing communication to exist between the two of you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> I guess you must love the drama if you are still allowing communication to exist between the two of you.


:iagree: That is the only thing I can think of. Either that or he is still in denial about the whole thing. :banghead:


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> :iagree: That is the only thing I can think of. Either that or he is still in denial about the whole thing. :banghead:


Yeah, but take it from me, you can spend years trying to make sense out of it all, long after it's over and everybody has grown kids from their next relationship. No man can possibly understand a woman's hind brain when they don't even understand it themselves. This is why talk-talk counselors go ballistic when you bring up hormones, brain chemistry, and body agenda.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

So now ex- wife has been texting me that she loves me and wanted it to work even though she was frustrated. By her frustration she means me laying into her frequently about my mistrust and her deceptive behavior. Confusingly enough I still have feeling for her, but I agree with everyone that she will never change. Im my own worst enemy. Has anyone ever had success working on infedelity so early in a marriage?; even though I dont have 100% proof of conversations other than the tix and val card which is all i really need anyway.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Very true. Unfortunately the only action Im getting is one of a mind f*ck...she good at that


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Change your phone number. If it continues like this, before you know it she's back in your house and you signing the marriage papers.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ballin21 said:


> Has anyone ever had success working on infedelity so early in a marriage?; even though I dont have 100% proof of conversations other than the tix and val card which is all i really need anyway.


There are people who convinced themselves to give their cheating wives forgiveness and a second chance - saying something like they were possibly too young to be married and they just made bad choices etc.

They eventually let themselves take them back.

Then between a few years and 25 years later they have come here to this board to report they caught their wives cheating again, and how angry and depressed they are that they were stupid enough to give the second chance and how they feel the few-25 years have been stolen from them.

Go read Bandit.45's thread. His wife cheated early in the marriage, he forgave, and now she's cheated on him, left him to be the town drunk-party girl and is chasing a married man living in another state.

This will be you if you give her the chance.

Why marry someone you would be constantly worried about and questioning. 

Think of your short marriage to her as a horrible date that turned out with your date leaving the place with another guy to go have sex in the parking lot and then returning hoping you'll still buy her drinks, dinner, and give her a ride home when she's drunk and throwing up in your car.

Would there be a second date for her?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ballin,

You sound like you are young and very stupid when it comes to your exwife.. I know you are hurt and very confused so I am going to give you some sound advice from one guy to another.

Take off your clothes. Bend over, grab your nuts and twist hard.

Feel that pain! That is what youare allowing your exwife to do to you everytime you still communicate with her.

Run. Run away as fast as you can from her. There are plenty of loyal, loving woman out there in the world who would love to be in a loving, trustful relationship with you.

Be happy that you are free! Be happy you had no children with this woman. Rejoice that you can change your cell number and no longer have to be in communication with her or her crazy family.

Stop your cry baby behavior and move on for Gods sake......

Now is the time to act like a man and move on with your life.

Good Luck, stop letting yourself get kicked in the balls.

Have a Great Life!

HM64


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This needs to be posted again in this thread.











Go out and start dating.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Thanks for the kick in the groin and . I need it!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

no what you need is to reread your thread. Reread all the negative stuff you wrote about her. And even now won't admit and come clean. Dude she is finding out how hard it is without that 2nd paycheck. She knows you won't push for more sex, or upset her to much if she can get you back. Reread your thread an ask why you would want to expose urself to that again.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

So Last night after about a week of no contact, my ex calls me several times and sends various text messages pleading how she still thinks about us and wants us back together; yet never says im sorry and what she will do to try get us back. I never responded to a single call or text and then she started to send pics of our wedding to my cell. All she says is how could you ignore me and I never ignored you. I feel she is having a weak moment and wants to manipulate me into a fight/ argument. We havent spoke since I gave her an ultimadum of living her life in a glass house w/ full disclosure of password and cell phone and she called me nuts. Funny its how one is supposed to live their marriage regardless, just never said in the same way. Any advice how to approach. I still have feelings for her, but I feel im getting weak again and would like a different point of view as my judgement is clouded by my feelings.

Thanks!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I sincerely hope your situation improves. Those first love split up then make up situations are living hell. Especially when you are so young and already married! Good luck, sir!


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Ballin21 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ben- I am not married to her as she is my ex wife. She is not my first love but rather a long relationship of 5 years which has experienced at the very least an EA. I'm having a moment where I miss us but i cannot overlook and rug sweep what she did. She is a master manipulator and I'm never sure what is her intentions. I know she loves me bUt the I'm not hearing what she will do to address her behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Ballin, just let her go already. People want what they can't have, which is the only reason that she's still pursuing you.

Move on because once she gets you back, she'll go back to her old cheating ways. You're young. Find some nubile coeds and have some fun.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Ballin21 said:


> So Last night after about a week of no contact, my ex calls me several times and sends various text messages pleading how she still thinks about us and wants us back together; yet never says im sorry and what she will do to try get us back. I never responded to a single call or text and then she started to send pics of our wedding to my cell. All she says is how could you ignore me and I never ignored you. I feel she is having a weak moment and wants to manipulate me into a fight/ argument.


The question is, does she truly love you, or does it just tick her off that you're ignoring her because the world is supposed to revolve around her? You have the answer in your post. Sending wedding pictures is, as you say, manipulation. Remember: ACTIONS, NOT WORDS. But unfortunately in your situation, she can't even cough up the words! I was going to say that it's sad, but actually, it's disgusting.

Tell me this--if somehow you had lost a woman, let's say you were dating and had a minor disagreement--is this how you'd win her back? Don't you think that over a minor disagreement you'd be telling her you were an idiot and let's get past this _and here are the specific ways I'm going to change_? Now magnify the misunderstanding to what your wife has done. All she can say is, pay more attention to me! Her selfishness is breathtaking.

I haven't seen even the most microscopic drop of remorse from her in any of your posts. She is almost pathological. I find her frightening.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The way you approach this is to continue what you are doing, because it is the right thing. 

If you fear you might respond eventually, then have her # blocked on your phone, also go back and read what you wrote here about her choices. Remember each thing she did: she chose.

but stay dark.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ballin,

I think you should respond to her if you feel the desire to.

Here is what you should say:

"Wayward ExWife,

There is a reason there is an ex in front of the wife.

-When I wanted to work on the marriage you would not!

-When I asked you for transparency and honesty all you gave me was I am too controlling & lies.

-When I asked you to stay with me you went on a trip with him.

I am no longer your husband and deserve someone that will love me forever, deserve my honesty and respect a marriage.

You no longer meet any of those criteria.

I wish you well on your journey, mine has already begun.

Good Luck,

Ballan21

PS
Please do not contact me anymore, this ship has already left the dock......"

That is what you say and never look back. You are a nice guy now go find a nice girl.

The same crap happened to me over twenty years ago and I never looked back. I have a great wife and 3 awesome daughters. 

*Do not ever look back and go find someone that deserves you my friend.*

HM64


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ballin, please reply to her with happyman64's script verbatim, and then go totally dark on her.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's your ex-wife for a reason.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
Happy man thanks for your advice and words of encouragement. I am too nice and it hurts that I've been blindsided and crapped on. I know She is a puppeteer and that is why I sought advice of this forum bc my judgement is clouded by my heart. My brain agrees but the heart needs to catch up. It's difficult when i hear an apology but in the end the actions don't match. She gives up when I give attitude or question her for her actions. This is usually followed by her trying to flip it on me again and say I give up, you're right we're over. Reverse psychology. I hate the mind games and I just want her to cut the bs and open up and show me. I will take your advice and send her that message. 

Thanks!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Again, she is your cheating EX WIFE. You need to go *NC* with her now. Stop the drama! Change your phone number or at least block her already.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The more you do the NC, the more you will begin to recover and start moving on with your life.

And don't assume that she isn't seeing - and sleeping - with another man while sending you those texts. Rarely do young women like her go without male companionship. Keep this in mind the next time you start feeling weak.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

More importantly Ballin. Go find yourself a beatiful hot lady.

Between going NC and a new love interest you will forget your exwife sooner.

Just never forget the lesson learned.

Go have some fun in your life!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Happyman-

Update--I sent the text to her yesterday verbatim of what you had wrote in your response. So about an hour later my cell phone starts to blow up from her and she is ssaying she wants me back and lets watch a movie and Ill cook dinner just like the old times. I ignored her all day until the evening and said you need to give me transparancy for me to entertain any thought of R. Of course she reverts back to were not together and if and when we do I will give you what you want. As soon as you think she is speaking from the heart, she goes right back to reminding me how difficult and unreasonable she is. She created this environment of lies and deceit and yet says I would show you but its the principle that we arent together. Prinicples? She was married and went astray with another guy and she talking about priniciples. I thank her for truely demonstrating her true colors as she reenforces my decision. I will now stay dark and will no longer respond. Im at my end.

One thing is for certain I will never understand her reasoning. Im sure she has conversations/ text on her phone she doesnt want me to see so it proves the point that she is talking to other guys.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I actually started enjoying ignoring my FWW back in the day. I knew that every time she tried to contact me and I didn't respond was like a knife in her heart. I kept it up for 2 or 3 months before I responded and only then it was about money and I was short and cold about it. 

That woke her up to the reality of me being gone from her life more than anything.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ballin,

From an outside point of view your exwife might be horny and up for a booty call or she truly misses you.

But when you see her response you just realize how selfish she truly is.

And no R is worth it. And sadly Ballan she is probably doing more than just being in contact with other guys. Especially if she cheated on you in the past.

Time to go dark. Time for you to get back out in circulation.

It is time for you to find a real good woman that you want to have a real, open and truthful relationship with.

There is no room for your ex.

I am glad you took my script and used it. It usually shows one's true colors very quickly.

Go make yourself happy! That is what life is all about. And you deserve it.

HM64


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All I have to say is, to really get past this crap the wayward needs to completely give them selves back to the betrayed, with out negotiation.
I see this in another thread were the OP and his WW are negotiating his sources on how he found out about the A.

I went through some tough stuff back in the day a often folks ask me how I got past it...it was hard but I never negotiated. She cheated she fixes it under my terms.

Stay strong Ballin21, she F^cked up it is up to her to unf^ck it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

the guy said:


> All I have to say is, to really get past this crap the wayward needs to completely give them selves back to the betrayed, with out negotiation.
> I see this in another thread were the OP and his WW are negotiating his sources on how he found out about the A.
> 
> I went through some tough stuff back in the day a often folks ask me how I got past it...it was hard but I never negotiated. She cheated she fixes it under my terms.
> ...


I agree with The Guy on everything but this. You're divorced so you don't have to worry about whether or not she unf^cks anything because hopefully you're done with her -- FINALLY.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

FINALLY !! the man finds some spunk. Ballin, block her number. NC mean NC. You are still to weak to deal with her, you keep saying if she would only, and she keeps right on handling you like a love sick teen. Grow the heck up man. If you take her back, how long do think it will take her to revert to her real self. Hell, she hasn't even tried to change. She just wants you back, bc you makes life so much easier for her. So STOP having anything to do with this woman. You act like you ae the only guy in the world that lost the one he loves. There is nothing special about her or you being together. If you want to castrate yourself for someone, at least make sure they are worth it. She is not. so get on with your life.


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

So here is an update. I went on a date last week with a beautiful girl who in all honesty isnt the one, but it was great to go out and have those butterflies again. Had a great night and finished with a good by kiss. The next moring I couldnt help but have feelings of guilt and sadness as I feel guilty for an odd reason. Im divorced, though still communicate with ex, and single. So the ex came crying over the house when I refused to talk and ignored calls and wanted to see me. I told her I dont trust you and I wanted to see her phone right then and there to text the OM about their rondevous. I was hoping to entrap him, but she wouldnt give me her phone. Then I said, if you wont let me do that I need a polygraph to prove to me your not lying. Just bc you say no doesnt mean sh**. After all she received val gifts, airplane tix, etc.. and all signs point to cheater of the physical type. She says its crazy and that she will not do. Im at a loss. I agree its much to ask for a polygraph but what else can I do to get the truth, as now im under the assumption to think the worst. Has anyone had a successful polygraph? She says she will fail as she is nervous. I told her everyone is nervous going into a situation like this. Am I asking too much? How does a woman feel about taking this?

Thanks


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Ballin21 said:


> So here is an update. I went on a date last week with a beautiful girl who in all honesty isnt the one, but it was great to go out and have those butterflies again. Had a great night and finished with a good by kiss. The next moring I couldnt help but have feelings of guilt and sadness as I feel guilty for an odd reason. Im divorced, though still communicate with ex, and single. So the ex came crying over the house when I refused to talk and ignored calls and wanted to see me. I told her I dont trust you and I wanted to see her phone right then and there to text the OM about their rondevous. I was hoping to entrap him, but she wouldnt give me her phone. Then I said, if you wont let me do that I need a polygraph to prove to me your not lying. Just bc you say no doesnt mean sh**. After all she received val gifts, airplane tix, etc.. and all signs point to cheater of the physical type. She says its crazy and that she will not do. Im at a loss. I agree its much to ask for a polygraph but what else can I do to get the truth, as now im under the assumption to think the worst. Has anyone had a successful polygraph? She says she will fail as she is nervous. I told her everyone is nervous going into a situation like this. Am I asking too much? How does a woman feel about taking this?
> 
> Thanks


Move. On.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

man will you move onnnnnnn, she was right there and would NOT let you see her phone. You know what, just marry her already. Just take your puppetering, master manipulater and live happy ever after.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

:wtf:*WHAT THE FLUCK BALLIN?*:wtf:

Let her go already. She's your ex and, unlike me, you don't have kids to tether her to you for the rest of your life. Checking her phone? Request for a polygraph?

Seriously dude, the quicker you go dark on her the better off you'll both be. 

(BTW, at this point you shouldn't be looking for 'the one'. Sow some wild oats before settling down again.)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.NOW!

Dude, she is toying with you. Please. For you own dignity,

Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.Stop it.NOW!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

On a scale of 1-10 how hot is your ex wife and the girl you dated?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Ballin', when was the last time you got your testosterone levels checked?




Well........that's too long.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Ballin', when was the last time you got your testosterone levels checked?
> 
> Well........that's too long.


I'm curious--if you knew someone who wanted to up their T levels naturally (and only naturally), what would you recommend?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ballin21,

There are cheaters who are rational and cheaters who are irrational. Your ex-wife belongs to the latter group and you would do well to end all contact with her. Trying to reason with her is an exercise in futility.

Perhaps you need to consider some counseling because you seem to be suffering some co-dependency issues that you need to address and resolve.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You need more IC.. There are 3.2 billion women on the planet. There is another one out there who will meet your needs and not screw around on you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I'm curious--if you knew someone who wanted to up their T levels naturally (and only naturally), what would you recommend?


A fistful of almonds or walnuts (zinc) every night followed by at least 8 hours of sleep. Get plenty of sat fat (grass fed dairy and meat), cholesterol (free range eggs), 15 minutes of noon day sun on your bare (unblocked) torso (or Vit D supplementation). Most importantly, lift heavy with leg press, dead lift, squats. And get 8+ hours of sleep. A study found that men diagnosed as T deficient moved their numbers into the low normal range by merely getting 8 hours of sleep.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> A fistful of almonds or walnuts (zinc) every night followed by at least 8 hours of sleep. Get plenty of sat fat (grass fed dairy and meat), cholesterol (free range eggs), 15 minutes of noon day sun on your bare (unblocked) torso (or Vit D supplementation). Most importantly, lift heavy with leg press, dead lift, squats. And get 8+ hours of sleep. A study found that men diagnosed as T deficient moved their numbers into the low normal range by merely getting 8 hours of sleep.


Sorry for the threadjack but I :iagree:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thank you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

morituri said:


> Ballin21,
> 
> There are cheaters who are rational and cheaters who are irrational. Your ex-wife belongs to the latter group and you would do well to end all contact with her. Trying to reason with her is an exercise in futility.
> 
> Perhaps you need to consider some counseling because you seem to be suffering some co-dependency issues that you need to address and resolve.


Ballin21,

Do you realize how many years of experience some of the posters on this thread have with infidelity??? *Alot.*

But we cannot help you if you do not listen. And you cannot help yourself if you don't listen as well.

Your exwife will not show you her phone, texts or emails because you will find out she has lied to you. She is using the excuse that you guys are not committed to each other so why would she show you anything......

You even said that you know she is trickle truthing you as in still giving you lies.

You have to decide when you have had enough BS to want to move on with your life. You already divorced her.

Now you have to be a man and walk away from her.

*She is never going to change. So you need to.....*

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You KNOW what she did, she KNOWS you KNOW. She KNOWS she can't pass a poly. The other man did not work out and she wants to come back. In the future she will see another other man she thinks is better than you and she will be off again. Its probably the other man that saw what a flake she is and why would he want a cheating woman for more than one thing?

No man would want your wife for anything more than a temporary romp if he knew what she did to her husband.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

On second thought print this off and mail it to her, I just think she doesn't get it because she doesn't respect your intelligence or maybe she's just dense. Maybe she will understand if it comes from someone else.





Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She is NOT cheating, you're divorced. I really don't know why this thread has gone on as long as it has.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> She is NOT cheating, you're divorced. I really don't know why this thread has gone on as long as it has.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Exactly, Lord Mayhem. That would be like me interrogating my ex about her whereabouts this past Friday night. I DON'T CARE! It's none of my business. She's of no concern to me except when it involves the kids or the animals. I think poor Balin21 has some serious co-dependency issues. They'll probably end up remarrying and he'll be here again in a year complaining about her cheating on him.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

He's gone


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Ballin21,
> 
> Do you realize how many years of experience some of the posters on this thread have with infidelity??? *Alot.*
> 
> ...


I feel a little understanding is in order. Some people just can't give up the one they love. We bargain with ourselves, don't we? But there is a point when we have to move on if we are to find some kind of happiness in our lives. And we all deserve that as well. I agree in this case, it is time to move on! Best of luck. THERE is someone out there who can love you and give you the kind of love you want and deserve. Go find that lady! Again, good luck! I would get some intense counseling, also!


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## Ballin21 (May 4, 2012)

Update:

I have since moved on and have taken the countless years of advice the forum supporters have given. Everyone has there way of coping with infedelity especially in a new marriage and blindsided by the one you care about the most. The thing I found out along the journey was that I was not going to let the most recent events change the fundamnetal person who I am. Yes, I look at relationships with a different set of eyes and are a bit more guarded, but I will not let this failed marriage define me. I have been on countless dates and realize there are nice people out there. Whether they are the "one" we shall see. Right now Im playing the field and if the right one crosses my path I will know. The key here is im back in the game. Thanks for the advice, criticism, and commradory. It was needed in my darkest hour.

Thanks to all who have responed!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Good for you Ballin21! By the way, how long was it before things the ladies you were/are dating would say before each thing said no longer required a search for a double meaning?


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