# Advise please!!!



## mymonkeysee (Oct 17, 2009)

My husband of 20 years left me and said he is in love with someone else. He came back home, but is financially responsible for this woman for another year. I dont know what to do....please help


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How can he be financially responsible for this other woman? He is married to you and should not be using marital assets for someone else.

Can you provide us with more detail please?


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## mymonkeysee (Oct 17, 2009)

he has set her up in a place to live, or they were to live, and he came home, but still has obligations to provide rent and utilities in his name for a yr


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He should tell her to either pony up the cash or he should kick her out. Then he can sublet the place.


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## mymonkeysee (Oct 17, 2009)

i wish..he wont do that, feels obligated. he came home for our children. they wanted him back, and he feels i come along with that. he cant have his kids w/o me. but he wont kick her out will pay 20,000 over a yr for her to stay there


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Then divorce him. That's your money he is spending on her. 

So you have every right to go to her and tell her that she owes for rent and utilities.


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## mymonkeysee (Oct 17, 2009)

he loves her, lease in his name only. feels he must do this. the affair went on for 3 yrs. he is very weak at the moment. i dont know what to do. i love him and i dont want to push.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

But he doesn't love you. 

Unless he were willing to work on getting his love back for you by cutting off all ties with the other woman and making you his #1 priority in life, I wouldn't be able to stand seeing his face every day.

He should have thought about the children before he started his damned 3 year affair. 

So I suppose he's still having sex with her then?


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## mymonkeysee (Oct 17, 2009)

no , he has come home, is committed to his familyy now.he left he 4 weeks ago


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Are you ok being in a marriage where he is with you because you "come along with the kids"? 

I know you said he is committed to his family, but it sounds like he is committed to the kids, not so much to you. If he can't cut her out of his life in every way, then there will always be a pull to go back to her. 

I don't think coming back for the kids is healthy either. Kids know when things aren't right and if he isn't in love with you and showing you that love, they will realize it. 

I flat out told my husband NOT to stay for the kids. I do NOT want to be in a marriage where he isn't here for me as his spouse, best friend and lover. He can be a good dad without living here. In the end, he better be choosing me, not just the kids.


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## mymonkeysee (Oct 17, 2009)

I have to believe that he will try and love me again. the kids see he is trying. i just dont know if i believe that he is not communicating w her. i dont ask, he dont say. we dont talk about it.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm not so sure anymore that keeping a marriage going for the kids is a great idea. I've got problems, but separation isn't even on the menu. My parents split when I was in second grade. It was tough at first, but I got used to it. Surely not as painful as the interaction between parents that hate each other. That's got to be WAY worse.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I think this is the first I've seen on anyone on this forum willing to stay in a loveless marriage. I didn't think that was possible. mymonkeysee, if you don't think there is a possibility of him being in the marriage for YOU and the kids; you are waisting your time; all you are doing is postponing the inevitable. You deserve better. Also, you need to find out if he is still in contact with the OW - more than likely he is if you can't talk to him about it. Are you willing to find someone else? I mean if he is with you for the kids only, I guarentee you he still has the OW available to him - I don't see him sacrificing his happiness for the kids alone. If he admits that he is not there for you then you have two choices - divorce him and find someone else or stay married and find someone else - see how he would feel about that! I don't condone staying married and finding other partners becuase it will be bad for the kids - but I don't see you staying unhappy for the rest of your life becuase that is bad for the kids too. I'm sorry you have such a tough choice to make.


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## Confused516 (Oct 9, 2009)

First of all, how can you take your husband back after the fact that he cheated on you, left you, did not return until after a year when he realized that most likely the other woman was using him?! 

I just can't seem to get over this fact, let alone that he took on the financial burden of taking care of this other woman for another year?! 

What are you thinking?????? How can you take back a deceitful man who had the nerve to leave you after 20 years of your marriage??!?!?!


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

I think that fear and very low self-esteem are the only reasons for someone accepting being treated the way your husband has treated you.
I'm sorry you are going through this... but you've been going through it for a very long time and are teaching your children that what your husband is doing is acceptable. 
Maybe it's time to teach your children a new lesson: self-respect.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Lori is right again!


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