# Why wont she follow through?



## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

I like it when wifey dresses up. Its kind of my thing. 

Over the past couple of months, from time to time she will buy something to wear in the bedroom. Not your traditional lingerie, Im more of a ****ty halloween costume kind of guy, and she seems very happy to try it on and make the purchases. When it comes to the bedroom though, she doesnt dress up.

Why is this? Why would she be happy and playful in the store, leading me to believe she was going to dress up for me, and then not follow through? We always end up having sex, but she never wears the costume. She is self conciouss, and has put on quite a bit of weight in the past couple years, and I have assumed this is the reason, but she is very comfortable in the store and thats where I am left dumb founded.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Triumph said:


> I like it when wifey dresses up. Its kind of my thing.
> 
> Over the past couple of months, from time to time she will buy something to wear in the bedroom. Not your traditional lingerie, Im more of a ****ty halloween costume kind of guy, and she seems very happy to try it on and make the purchases. When it comes to the bedroom though, she doesnt dress up.
> 
> Why is this? Why would she be happy and playful in the store, leading me to believe she was going to dress up for me, and then not follow through? We always end up having sex, but she never wears the costume. She is self conciouss, and has put on quite a bit of weight in the past couple years, and I have assumed this is the reason, but she is very comfortable in the store and thats where I am left dumb founded.


Have you asked HER? What does she say?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Triumph said:


> I like it when wifey dresses up. Its kind of my thing.
> 
> Over the past couple of months, from time to time she will buy something to wear in the bedroom. Not your traditional lingerie, Im more of a ****ty halloween costume kind of guy, and she seems very happy to try it on and make the purchases. When it comes to the bedroom though, she doesnt dress up.
> 
> Why is this? Why would she be happy and playful in the store, leading me to believe she was going to dress up for me, and then not follow through? We always end up having sex, but she never wears the costume. She is self conciouss, and has put on quite a bit of weight in the past couple years, and I have assumed this is the reason, but she is very comfortable in the store and thats where I am left dumb founded.


Because it's easy enough to say yes when someone's egging you on, but a lot harder to actually follow through when the time comes and you have to deal with all the crap in your mind that comes with following through.

Tell me you've never said "oh sure, I'll do that!" then when it comes to it thought "Why, oh why did I ever say I'd do THAT?!"


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

MarriedTex said:


> Have you asked HER? What does she say?


Her reply: "I dont know"



Sawney Beane said:


> Because it's easy enough to say yes when someone's egging you on, but a lot harder to actually follow through when the time comes and you have to deal with all the crap in your mind that comes with following through.
> 
> Tell me you've never said "oh sure, I'll do that!" then when it comes to it thought "Why, oh why did I ever say I'd do THAT?!"


Interesting point. I always follow through, no matter how embarrased I might be. Im a face your fears kind of guy, but I suppose it could be this simple.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

If she is self conscious about her weight, (and it is hard not to be in our society), she will think you are judging her in the costume.

I would playfully help her put it on. Tease her, and keep reassuring her that you love to see her in it. Slap her bottom; tell her that she turns you on. Keep it light and playful, and hopefully she will lose the self-consciousness.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Surprise her with a fireman costume. All you need is a pair of pants, tight white shirt and some suspenders. Ive got my ensemble(sp?) together except for the suspenders. When she sees your willing to give as well as to get, maybe she will jump on board with wearing that stuff in the bedroom.

And dont be fooled. Chicks dig the fireman thing.

Edit: And hit the gym. I know some firefighters are over weight, but that aspect might kill the mood. Your a man after all, time to start looking like one!

Oh yeah, the reason for the edit, you can drag her along to the gym with you. Its a win, win, win, win scenario!


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Surprise her with a fireman costume. All you need is a pair of pants, tight white shirt and some suspenders. Ive got my ensemble(sp?) together except for the suspenders. When she sees your willing to give as well as to get, maybe she will jump on board with wearing that stuff in the bedroom.
> 
> And dont be fooled. Chicks dig the fireman thing.



As I was reading this i kept expecting the "and then whip out your hose and put out her fire" line. Lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It took me SO LONG to be sexy. I would giggle and feel stupid in my sexy outfits (hubs likes the black lace and garters). I really had to work to get into character.

He never said a word about my giggling, he just kept saying how sexy I am....over and over...until eventually I believed him.

Now, when I put those on, I am sexy. I don't giggle any longer. It's nice.

Perhaps she's just embarrassed. Maybe she thinks you expect some type of show. Just a thought.

My husband has an old mechanic's shirt that says "Mario" on it (not his name). He'll put it on and say, "So, when's your husband getting home?" :rofl: Oh it's corny but really gets me goin


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

square1 said:


> As I was reading this i kept expecting the "and then whip out your hose and put out her fire" line. Lol


why would I pee on my wife?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> why would I pee on my wife?


Hey it worked for r kelly.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

My guess is that when it actually comes time to do it she simply chickens out.

Being the center of attention can definitely flip some people out - especially if they are very self-conscious or shy.

The idea of you dressing up too is a good one, because when both of you are involved doing the same kind of thing, and it's not just her 'performing' or 'modeling' for you while you watch, she may be more willing to wear the costumes.


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## danjensv (Nov 1, 2011)

My wife used to be the same way. We had drawers full of lingerie, hosiery, heels, you name it, but she rarely wore them unless I asked. She was self conscience about her weight and just didn't feel comfortable. She always wanted to peel the stuff off half way through. 

Now she gets it. It turns me on. She's lost weight, but gained a little back and I like her like this. Not overweight, but padding where a woman needs padding, you know? I let her know every chance I get how sexy she looks. She picks herself apart in the mirror, but says that all my compliments and how turned on I get when she's naked is starting to make her more comfortable with how she looks.

Even if you think she could lose a few pounds, tell her you find her sexy and you love seeing her dressed up. Don't shy away from her less attractive attributes. Let her know you like every inch of her, because it belongs to her. Love every inch of her.

If she won't dress up on her own, set the stuff out for her when you both have the time for messing around or dress up with her, like was suggested above. She also might just feel ridiculous. It take a little time to get used to wearing stuff like that and to take it seriously. Sit her down and tell her how sexy it looks and how much it turns you on. 

Play along and have fun with it. That's what sex is all about right? Fun? Role play with her or just make sure she knows you enjoy her dressed up. If she's wearing a costume and feels like a fool, you're attitude can make or break that. You poke fun or fail to respond in a positive way and you just reinforce her feelings. You tell her in all earnestness than you've always wanted to make love to a pirate wench/fairy/Wonder Woman and then proceed to ravish her, she will see the value, even if she's not really into it.

You ever heard a woman say she's trained her husband well, or that so and so needs to train her husband better? That goes both ways. You need to, train is such a negative word so lets say encourage her to do stuff like that. You need to help her get over her body issues and do it in a positive way. If she wants to lose weight, help her do it. If she isn't ready to do that, show her that it doesn't matter. If she feels stupid dressed up like a French maid, show it's anything but stupid to you. Encourage her to do that stuff that you like, gently and lovingly.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Hahaha.... I recently surprised my husband with a smoking hot special outfit! I even bought 4 1/2 inch heels(never worn them before) and when he walked through that door, he was speechless. I think he almost fainted. In the 12 years of marriage, he never asked me to wear lingerie. I was going out on a limb and went for it. 

I almost backed down because I felt uncomfortable/silly in it. I've never worn anything like it before. I don't have the perfect body either and I was obsessing on all my flaws while wearing the lingerie. I use to run 36 miles a week before I broke my neck. Since my injury I did gain 30 pounds, but I've been working hard and lost 20 of those 30 pounds this past year. I'm not toned, but I'm working on my own self esteem and getting comfortable with my body again. My husband is very athletic as well and has a perfect body.

With my husband's reaction, I'll definatly be buying more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sometimes, depending on the outfit, it is a mental leap to allowing your husband to view you as "****ty" or dirty. 

That takes a different kind of confidence, that your husband will still respect you and not view you as a porn object. 

If you are able to communicate this to her, it can help. Let her know it is about exploring the full range of sexuality, with YOU. 

It's a scary deal to a lot of women to put on a porn type outfit. There can be a mental image that your spouse wants you to be more like the porn women, and wants to use you for dirty sex. 
Try to imagine yourself in that position. Using phrases that it turns you on can imply that without it... she doesn't turn you on, she isn't sexy enough. It has be communicated in a way that she knows she turns you on without it, so it's not a "must do" act. Just a nicey act.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> Sometimes, depending on the outfit, it is a mental leap to allowing your husband to view you as "****ty" or dirty.


The idea of being a lady in the street and a (insert suitable descriptor of sexually available / confident female here) in the bedroom seems to not compute in a lot of cases.
The actual dynamic is "be a lady at all times, in all locations and under all circumstances".


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It took me SO LONG to be sexy. I would giggle and feel stupid in my sexy outfits (hubs likes the black lace and garters). I really had to work to get into character.
> 
> He never said a word about my giggling, he just kept saying how sexy I am....over and over...until eventually I believed him.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: Your husband is a very smart man! I'm just finally getting more comfortable again and it's because H is doing the same things. He talks over my negative self talk with how sexy I am, how hot the outfits look, things like that. I actually believe him now, I mean, if he thinks it then I may as well act like it.
Just keep telling your wife how sexy you find her, how much she turns you on, keep it fun, keep asking playfully for the outfits. She'll come around. Negative self image is hard to overcome.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> The idea of being a lady in the street and a (insert suitable descriptor of sexually available / confident female here) in the bedroom seems to not compute in a lot of cases.
> The actual dynamic is "be a lady at all times, in all locations and under all circumstances".


If it doesn't compute... it may be because the messge is that without the dirty outfit, she doesn't turn you on. That's not a comfortable position to be in. Just trying to make a point that if the ONLY time you tell her she looks sexy is when she dressed in a costume like a hooker... then, well, she might feel like a hooker. 

For women, there is a very old stereotype to get over here. 
Like lots of people said, help her to feel comfortable. Role playing, just pretending, you don't "really" think of her as a porn object, it's just fun.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

deejov said:


> If it doesn't compute... it may be because the messge is that without the dirty outfit, she doesn't turn you on.


I suppose it could be seen like that. But I think that to a lot of women (based on what other men say (lament?) to me) is that being anything other than totally ladylike at all times under all circumstances is just wrong. The _idea _of being sexy / dirty / risque is just wrong, for any reason, and if the man likes it he's wrong too. That "ladylike" should be more than enough for a man at any and all times and anyone that doesn't subscribe to this is some sort of degenerate...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> I suppose it could be seen like that. But I think that to a lot of women (based on what other men say (lament?) to me) is that being anything other than totally ladylike at all times under all circumstances is just wrong. The _idea _of being sexy / dirty / risque is just wrong, for any reason, and if the man likes it he's wrong too. That "ladylike" should be more than enough for a man at any and all times and anyone that doesn't subscribe to this is some sort of degenerate...


Try to see it from the stand point of a woman - , many men select women to marry based the precieved evaluation of the woman's interest in sex. If a woman is too interested, too many sex partnres, experimentation when young, they are not good for marriage material. The most prized women for marriage are those that have low or no sex partners which is indicative of suppression of sexual desire or low interest. These women are then expected to have passionate uninhibited sex with their husband. Ideally they should become a porn actress for their husbands and be up for anything. 

But wait, the husband fell in love with the repressed controlled woman, the one who was not too interested in sex, thats who she really is. Now she is admonished to come out of her shell and act like the sexual being she has suppressed in order to land a husband and have kids.. 

He husband extols her virtues and tells her that is why he wants to marry her instead of the girls they pumped and dumped. When she is secured with the wedding ring then he let's her know he really did like all the s!utty girls so he wants her to be more like them now that they are married.. 

Does that make sense? She may feel betrayed, and that his interest in sex is perverse. Perverse because it is presented from a self serving point of view. She can be sexy only if it benifits the man she is with but not if it benefits her own enjoyment. 

I think it is more pridictable to marry a sexually uinhibited woman if that is what you want for a wife. That to me is fair to the woman and more forthright on the part of the man. True intimacy comes from really knowing the person you take as a partner. If there is confusion from the start about what each person really is and what they want then your starting at a deficit. Wouldn't it be more self revealing if a man who had a high sex drive sought out a woman with a sex drive to match his? 

. The hope is that after the wedding the good girl will drop the facade and get her freak on does not happen, I don't think. Going from a sexually repressed and controlled woman to a sexually liberated one is a very big step. Does not happen all at once but incrementally. You have to coax the woman along and be very patient. Thats how I grew - with my husbands gentle patient coaxing. He was never impatient, frustrated or angry (that i knew) but welcomed any progress I made in a positive direction. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In some of her more adventurous lingerie, my wife also felt very self-conscious. What worked for us was to encourage her to start with a robe over it. We made it fun, like a hidden treasure, but I told her to only show me what was inside when/if she was completely comfortable with it. On the first couple of times, I made a point of making sure that she was sitting close, held in my arms - or less 'exposed'. If the robe fell off while she was fully in the moment, it was no big deal to her. In no time at all, she quit bothering with the robe at all. She wanted to wear the outfit, but just needed help making the transition into it.

Keep in mind that most of your sexual explorations have the feeling of being 'together through this'. There is very little of it that she is doing alone. Dressing up for a man is out there, alone. But the moment she feels that 'togetherness', I think some women lose the fear.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex laughed at me in my younger days when I tried to wear sexy lingerie... maybe I was awkward, maybe he was an a$$... (ok, no maybe there!). It sure made me feel extremely self-conscious! Now, more secure in my old age...my new h loves the sexy outfits, and I got over feeling ridiculous, now it's just sexy! We shop the adult stores together, we take turns picking out stuff...and it's all about FUN.

*the moment she feels that 'togetherness', I think some women lose the fear. *
That is exactly right!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Halien said:


> In some of her more adventurous lingerie, my wife also felt very self-conscious. What worked for us was to encourage her to start with a robe over it. We made it fun, like a hidden treasure, but I told her to only show me what was inside when/if she was completely comfortable with it. On the first couple of times, I made a point of making sure that she was sitting close, held in my arms - or less 'exposed'. If the robe fell off while she was fully in the moment, it was no big deal to her. In no time at all, she quit bothering with the robe at all. She wanted to wear the outfit, but just needed help making the transition into it.
> 
> Keep in mind that most of your sexual explorations have the feeling of being 'together through this'. There is very little of it that she is doing alone. Dressing up for a man is out there, alone. But the moment she feels that 'togetherness', I think some women lose the fear.


Wow - I dont know how many times I tried to say this but you said it so perfectly.

I was able to progress from a repression to enlightenment in my marriage. When i first got married i thought my husbands junk was ugly!

My husband never let me feel exposed or on display until I felt comfortable. He surounds me with his hands and body until I get warmed up and then I don't care. That what I meant by slowly and incrementally. I think the mistake some guys make is that they expect a striptease the fist or even the 5th time out. 

I cannot tell how important patience, sense of humor and lack of anger and frustration is. When I read about the frustration and anger some men express at their wives I cringe because I know it will set them back. 

It is difficult but slow and steady is the key. If the atmosphere is heavy and tense then forget it will not happen at least not willingly.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine, I'm going to chop your reply around and answer different bits in different orders.




Catherine602 said:


> I think it is more pridictable to marry a sexually uinhibited woman if that is what you want for a wife. That to me is fair to the woman and more forthright on the part of the man. True intimacy comes from really knowing the person you take as a partner. If there is confusion from the start about what each person really is and what they want then your starting at a deficit. Wouldn't it be more self revealing if a man who had a high sex drive sought out a woman with a sex drive to match his?


I did, and I think it makes far more sense to do so. This far, we have maintained a similar level of drive and enthusiasm.

BUT... There's a great deal written about how a man can marry himself a naive, repressed virgin and mindgame her into become a personal sex toy - it's the essential premise of what Athol Kay writes with his marriage strategy. Is it surprising that some men fall for it?




> Try to see it from the stand point of a woman - , many men select women to marry based the precieved evaluation of the woman's interest in sex. If a woman is too interested, too many sex partnres, experimentation when young, they are not good for marriage material. The most prized women for marriage are those that have low or no sex partners which is indicative of suppression of sexual desire or low interest. These women are then expected to have passionate uninhibited sex with their husband. Ideally they should become a porn actress for their husbands and be up for anything.


Like I said above, the idea that it's a perfect plan is widely sold, and widely bought. Along with the idea that if she's never had sex before, it's better because she won't have anything to compare her husband's p*ss-poor performance against



> But wait, the husband fell in love with the repressed controlled woman, the one who was not too interested in sex, thats who she really is. Now she is admonished to come out of her shell and act like the sexual being she has suppressed in order to land a husband and have kids..
> 
> He husband extols her virtues and tells her that is why he wants to marry her instead of the girls they pumped and dumped. When she is secured with the wedding ring then he let's her know he really did like all the s!utty girls so he wants her to be more like them now that they are married..
> 
> Does that make sense? She may feel betrayed, and that his interest in sex is perverse. Perverse because it is presented from a self serving point of view. She can be sexy only if it benifits the man she is with but not if it benefits her own enjoyment.


Very true. But the idea is that in a marriage each partner can communicate what they want, and expect that the other partner at least considers meeting that need. If that idea is correct, and the other partner appears to not consider those needs, and to belittle or insult them, you're going along sh*t street anyway, aren't you?




> The hope is that after the wedding the good girl will drop the facade and get her freak on does not happen, I don't think. Going from a sexually repressed and controlled woman to a sexually liberated one is a very big step. Does not happen all at once but incrementally. You have to coax the woman along and be very patient. Thats how I grew - with my husbands gentle patient coaxing. He was never impatient, frustrated or angry (that i knew) but welcomed any progress I made in a positive direction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By the sound of things the OP is patient, has gone slow and steady and is encouraging and helpful. And has got nowhere.

Patience is one thing, but most people need to see movement faster than that achieved by a glacier to feel encouragement themselves (and to not feel resentment!).

This sort of thing seems to be one of those areas where meeting one another's needs seems to be subsumed by the principle that "you'll have what you're given - and you'll like it".


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## Waited4This (Apr 10, 2011)

I have this same problem, I try to get my wife to buy sexy loungrie, the talk goes good but when she goes out to shop she always comes home with nothing. Nothing, really they didn't have anything is the response I always give and she says well Im just going to put it on just to take it off again.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Yes, I 100% agree with you putting on a costume to take the pressure off her, especially since you are game! All positive remarks during and maybe in a little while she will become comfortable like everyone said. 

She may be afraid something will go wrong bc of how she looks... I dressed up for my hubby in a french maid outfit (and I had a rockin bod then), even sent txt pics of the maid I was interviewing and would he like her to be there when he got home from work so he could interview her. he said yes... he got home and saw me dusting in my outfit and said "what the F is this?" I have not been able to put another outfit on since I think about it all the time though.....just too afraid at this point. that isnt your problem, but the fear may be similar... bc if something did happen she would equate it with the outfit and close down... so to avoid that she avoids putting it on in the first place. She would be hard on herself for not being able to follow through.

Wish my husband would dress up as a doctor..... in the land of only if:smthumbup:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

To the OP, here's something that works for some women.

Not sure how you would tell her this... but, a lot of women wear the lingeries under their clothes all day at work. Starts with sexy underwear, a bra, or maybe something else. It's quite a thrill, actually, to wear something risky under your clothes. You are the only one that knows you are wearing it. And it's a big surprise to your spouse if you hit on them later... and they find "ooohhh" underneath. 

It sure takes the sting out of parading around in something in front of someone.


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## danjensv (Nov 1, 2011)

The idea that a man who wants his wife to dress up in lingerie really wants something else or doesn't find her attractive otherwise is a bit silly. They are just clothes and they usually enhance beauty rather than cover up flaws (girdles and the like being the exception). That's kind of like saying a man shouldn't groom, shower or wear cologne and women should just take them as they are. 

Men are visual and lingerie was designed for the purpose of getting men excited. I always tell my DW that I wouldn't make love to the lingerie, if she weren't in it.

As for the woman being comfortable, that is essential. Nothing is a bigger turn off for either partner than a woman wearing things she feels uncomfortable in. If she's stumbling around in 5 inch heels, or can't breath because the cincher is too tight or just plain feels silly, it kind of ruins the mood. Both partners need to do what they can to make her feels comfortable. Women need to take it seriously and men need to let a woman take her time and get used to it.

I was going to ask the men how would they feel if their wife came home with a bunny costume and said put this on and go to bed so we can have sex. Then I realized most of us would probably do it without batting an eye.


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