# Wife wants to move away but I can't leave my son



## lostinkansas (Jan 3, 2012)

I am remarried. I have an 11 y/o whom I see every other weekend. It used to be more but I caved when my wife said that she felt like we didn't have enough time alone together. Now she wants to move across the country and has no regard for what that would do to my relationship with my son. She says that by me refusing to move (before he goes to college) that I'm putting her in 2nd place. I don't view things like that. I said that it's cruel for her to ask me to leave. We're both employed with good jobs and have a home together. She wants to move so that she doesn't regret not doing so when she's older. She suffers from depression and anxiety and while she does take medication it is not enough. She refuses to see a therapist.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lostinkansas said:


> I am remarried. I have an 11 y/o whom I see every other weekend. It used to be more but I caved when my wife said that she felt like we didn't have enough time alone together. Now she wants to move across the country and has no regard for what that would do to my relationship with my son. She says that by me refusing to move (before he goes to college) that I'm putting her in 2nd place. I don't view things like that. I said that it's cruel for her to ask me to leave. We're both employed with good jobs and have a home together. She wants to move so that she doesn't regret not doing so when she's older. She suffers from depression and anxiety and while she does take medication it is not enough. She refuses to see a therapist.


She's trying to ruin your relationship with son and already made a good start. I would re-evaluate your past decision with visitation with your son and refuse to move. Time for firm boundaries!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

In my opinion your son SHOULD be in 1st place! She should accept that.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Well, your both right.

It is cruel of her to expect you to move away. But you are also placing her second by not moving.

You need to decide which is more important. Something you should have done earlier.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"She wants to move so that she doesn't regret not doing so when she's older."

so... what.. she has an opportunity for carreer change or just looking at greener grass?

well you know she feels like she is second priority - but now she has ramped it up into a contest and forcing you into a choice.

You should ask her.. point blank... if she really wants to force you into making that choice. There is going to be resentment all around for everyone if you dont get out in front of this issue now. 

frankly - every other weekend doesnt sound like such a burden to have time with your son. Is she really that jealous? I mean.. he is 11... you need to spend time with him. Period.

Sounds to me like she is insecure and selfish... but maybe I shouldnt read so much into a short post. 

Everything else is just rainbows and sunshine?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

She knew you had a son before she married you right?


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## Nunya Biznas (Jan 23, 2013)

Nonsense. What utter rubbish.

If a wife wants to use the child's college fund in order to get a boob job and the husband disagrees with this...does this mean that he's choosing his child over his wife? Of course not! How about a more extreme example? A husband, wife, and child are on their way to an importand doctor's appointment for the sick child. The wife insists on stopping at McDonald's in order to get a milkshake, even though it will mean missing the doctor's appointment. If the husband refuses to stop...does this mean he's putting his wife 2nd?? Don't be an idiot!!

The "if/then" argument is also ridiculous. All it does is identify a selfishness in the person who uses it. "If you love me then you would do this for me." "If you put me before your son then you would move away with me." The simple point that proves how silly this really is, is how easily it can be reversed. "If *you* love *me* then you wouldn't ask me to do that." "If *you* put *me* first then you wouldn't ask me to leave my child."

I agree that a spouse should always come first. When husband and wife are happy and supporting each other, the rest usually just falls into place. But I'm talking about the *spouse*! Or rather, the spouses general well being. Not the spouse's every little wish, desire, whim, or inclination.

This man's wife is doing fine. She has a good job. She has a home with her husband. For me to consider that he is putting his wife second she would need to have a reason to move that is more important than his son's need for his father. Staying doesn't really hurt her. Moving will hurt his son and be devastating to the husband as well. This sounds like a no-brainer to me.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I want to be most important to my SO too.
I understand that your wife wants time alone with you, this is very important.

That said what she is doing is wrong. Your son should also be very very important and not only does she wNt the poor kid to come second, she seems to want him to come last.
I understand step parenting is hard, but essentially asking you to desert your son is cruel. 

If you do it you will be a doormat. No self respecting man moves away from his children. That's not ok.

If my SO was willing to do that, I'd know he was not the man for me, because it would show he did not have a back bone nor the values a good man should have.

Your wife is also not valuing what is important to you and sounds extremely selfish. 

I would not have agreed to even the 2 days every 2 weeks. That's not being a father that's being a part time friend. I think having every second weekend alone with your wife should suffice but you should also be available to your son like any other father particularly the rest of the time. 

Honestly your wife makes me quite annoyed. But at the rend of the day you are allowing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Your wife is not playing fair with you, she should not make you choose between pleasing her and seeing your son on a regular basis.

You would seem to have a few options.

1. Sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife, explain that you understand her want to move and ask her if she understands your desire to keep a close relationship with your son. See if you can get her to see your side. (nothing ventured nothing gained)

2. Call her bluff and live with the results (even if she does stay she may not forgive you).

3. Give in to her demand and move away but us technolagy to stay in touch with your son. Skype, Text (maybe get him a handset as a extra phone on your account), onces he is 13 Facebook. Speak to your ex you might be able to arrange to see your son for fewer longer visits.

I wish you all the best it must be a very nasty place you are in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostinkansas said:


> I am remarried. I have an 11 y/o whom I see every other weekend. It used to be more but I caved when my wife said that she felt like we didn't have enough time alone together. Now she wants to move across the country and has no regard for what that would do to my relationship with my son. She says that by me refusing to move (before he goes to college) that I'm putting her in 2nd place. I don't view things like that. I said that it's cruel for her to ask me to leave. We're both employed with good jobs and have a home together. She wants to move so that she doesn't regret not doing so when she's older. She suffers from depression and anxiety and while she does take medication it is not enough. She refuses to see a therapist.


Say what? You gave up time with your child because your new wife griped? Shame on you. He NEEDS you for at least the first 18 years of his life. Him watching you ditch him, KNOWING that you're doing it for 'that woman' just solidifies for him that he doesn't matter to you. He will carry that weight for the rest of his life.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Wow! Your wife is a very self centered person, it must be incredibly difficult to live with someone like that. 

You said that you already caved and gave up time with your son because she asked you too. I think that was incredibly selfish of her to ask not only has she robbed your son of spending much needed time with his father she obviously has no concern for what makes you feel fulfilled as a person other than being her husband.

My advice is that you put your son first PERIOD! She can adjust or not. You should reestablish more time with your boy. A boy needs a father who will help mold him into a man. A man does not turn his back on his responsibility of raising his son for anyone. He will need you the most during the the adolescent years. You only have these few years that he will be a child and he really needs your love, guidance and your PRESENCE.

No one should interfere with your relationship with your son and your obligation as his father. If it makes your wife feel she is #2, that's tough.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

coffee4me said:


> If it makes your wife feel she is #2, that's tough.


And it says a lot about the woman you picked. But maybe more about the kind of person you are (or have become, due to her).

I suggest you read a couple books in the meantime. They will really open your eyes.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
and
Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

If your wife truly loved you she would never ask that you move away from your son. That is truly the act of a selfish, mean spirited woman. I take it she has no children of her own? I sure hope not.. I can only imagine the kind of mother she would make. She needs to grow up herself. 

Yeah, your son comes first. No sh!t sherlock!  

Tell her to pack her bags and leave without you. You've got a boy to raise. He needs you. Don't be a fool. Stay with your son.


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

I think you should not move away from each other, try to make your family happy to live together, under fillings of others and try to fend from scattering your family.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

I just had to reply, as my SO and I had this conflict. He, too, is a single father who has a 9-year old son, who he sees every other weekend.

First of all, to move or not to move is something that should have been discussed before marriage. Did she just bring this up recently? Or did you know about her desire to move away before you married her? And is your wife able to wait another 7 years until your son goes off to college?

You only see your son every other weekend, and you really should cherish that time with him. It's not much, and he will grow up before you know it. My father traveled a lot for business (many times only home on weekends) when I was young, and now that he's retired, he says over and over how he regrets missing a lot of my brother's, and my school events, watching us grow up, and he tells me (and everyone else) that he knows he can never get that lost time back.

I knew from the start, that my boyfriend didn't want to move away until his son went to college, and I knew it was something I can either live with, or leave him. 

The options that Wiltshireman gave above, are good ones. I'm so very sorry you are in this situation...I hope it all works out for the best.


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