# Things seem well



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Things between spouse and I seem to be okay. The reason I post is that not sure if this is good or bad. Our situation happened 3 months ago almost, and while she has given me details about 12 day period with another guy, still insists he was just a friend and when I bring up affair she says "it wasn't a f****ing affair"! She has done everything right- checking in with me, home at normal times, perfectly accountable. Says she loves me regularly and I believe she does. Only problem is I know it was at least an EA because of deception and lies about whereabouts. She answers my questions when I ask about it, but insists it was not an affair. Help! - we are in MC things are going well, there is nothing indicating contact with OM. Is it too good to be true that we are recovering from this this well this fast? We have a long way to go I understand, and both of us are having odd feelings from time to time, but our connection seems to be getting stronger day by day after a very rough start post D day. Any thoughts welcome.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Whenever I read "He's just a friend"...it never is. Yes, its too good to be true. You're being gaslighted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Define it with clarity in your words, have the sit-down with her, and agree on a label. Together. 

She is either remorseful for 'whatever she wants to call it' -- or she is in denial... a BIG difference to recovery.

My WW had an on & off EA/PA for almost 2 years, kissing and heavy petting -- no sex -- and she never considered it an "affair" until I called it that on DDay, because in her warped mind they weren't having a 'real affair' because never had sex....


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Define it with clarity in your words, have the sit-down with her, and agree on a label. Together.
> 
> She is either remorseful for 'whatever she wants to call it' -- or she is in denial... a BIG difference to recovery.
> 
> My WW had an on & off EA/PA for almost 2 years, kissing and heavy petting -- no sex -- and she never considered it an "affair" until I called it that on DDay, because in her warped mind they weren't having a 'real affair' because never had sex....


She is remorseful and embarrassed I think. Has said many times how sorry she is for causing hurt and understands if I boot her. I think she is more focused on the lying aspect than the man she was hanging with. I think she knows deep down that I know it was an EA and that she like you said the only affair she is considering as an affair is a PA. There was a lot more to it than what she is saying but is embarrassed by getting involved in it. Again, I believe she wants our relationship and understands she made a real mess of things. Still waiting in MC to go over details of her "episode", but I am being patient assuming therapist knows what he is doing.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> but I am being patient assuming therapist knows what he is doing.


do not assume that


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> do not assume that


Amen to that! :iagree: Don't assume any counselor is going to read your mind and extract information from your WW that YOU want extracted. Only one person on this earth is capable of fully commuicating what you want...

And if she were truly remorseful -- vs. embarassed, ashamed, or sorry she got caught -- she'd be admitting to everything it was, and working from there with you, not gaslighting it as 'nothing'...


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

Have her read _Not Just Friends _by Shirley Glass and she will get that she was having an affair...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

If it wasn't an affair (in her eyes),why did she lie about it? did she ever invite you out with the two of them?

Not so sure you should wait until it comes up in therapy, address it now, whether or not she likes it, you need to know what went on between the two of them, and all the details. She' ll get angry, she'll cry, keep going with it.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Amen to that! :iagree: Don't assume any counselor is going to read your mind and extract information from your WW that YOU want extracted. Only one person on this earth is capable of fully commuicating what you want...
> 
> And if she were truly remorseful -- vs. embarassed, ashamed, or sorry she got caught -- she'd be admitting to everything it was, and working from there with you, not gaslighting it as 'nothing'...


:iagree:


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