# Smoke blowing or the truth



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I have posted here before and said we were going to work on our marriage.

Well I have had a few bad weeks. Events of 2012 are overshadowing me and I cannot let it go. My H and I have been on a rollercoaster with a mixture of good and bad days. I cannot move past the pain of the past and he says that is the only way, he seems to be able to do that though most of the pain is a one way process caused by him. I suspect he had a thing with a woman (not sure if one night or more) but he didn’t come home until 9am in the morning of that terrible day in 2012. Claims he was lying drunk somewhere in his car. 
My gut keeps telling me otherwise. I brought the topic up again, I don’t know why in 2012 I didn’t go after him, I was depressed and fed up. Now I don’t want to work on the marriage if the dirt of the past is not exposed and cleansed out. I asked him on Friday about it I recorded what he said. I feel I am being stonewalled and have got a lie cloaked in surrounding truth (if you know what I mean). If I knew for a fact that he did do something then for me the marriage is very much over, no more IC and no potential MC, which he mentioned on Friday. 

He was nervous when on that topic and seemed to get his confidence back when we moved onto something else. Wish I could analyze the speech for lying. I recorded him (he doesn’t know and there’s no laws here about that) so that I can tackle him at another point, I’m a bit like a dog with an old bone which is not helping me at all. I need to either drop it as evidence is circumstantial (her phone number on a piece of paper in his car), if he had met her at the pub, then why wasn’t it in his wallet or pocket? He only talked with her to consider doing a business (which is totally unrelated to anything he does!), his married friend (who i vaguely met many years ago) went off with her afterwards and that was the first night they met. My head is screaming liar liar liar and my heart is numb. 
I told him today I don’t care anymore, I know he has lied and I just want to spend the rest of the time I have to stay here with peace for my son and myself. He’s asking me what can he do to make things right about the past because I have told him I am leaving. He’s in another country for work this week and I wish I could have more time because when he is not here I can think more clearly. I feel I am in a surreal movie, with smoke all around and I know I am not the crazy one. He is a strategist at work and boy does he know how to work it. I am intelligent but don’t see when I’m being manipulated. He called me today from overseas. I was very formal, he said he wanted to talk, wanted to hear my voice and was full of woe today – but all for himself, he has no friends, feels so down, so stressed by work. I told his that was no longer my problem and if he spent time building or working on relationships instead of using people he would have someone to talk to. I did talk to him about the other country and sent a message telling him for the time being I did not want to talk about us or our marriage. I would speak kindly to him and he should do likewise but that was it (for the sake of our son). 
I wanted to work on the marriage but how can I when the foundation and starting point is based on lies? He keeps saying he doesn’t want to live in the past and see only his faults, he wants to start fresh. But I’m thinking, how long before the fresh start, things get rocky and I am on the same roller coaster as before. For those who reconciled, did you need to know everything, I mean everything or were you willing to leave the past in the past. How do you forgive and move on and work on something when you are not sure if the other person can be trusted at all?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

As long as you feel that you are being lied to about what happened, you are not going to be able to make this work. There is a reason that your gut is screaming at you about this. You need the whole truth, and if you feel you arent getting it, then you owe it to yourself to get out. You cannot live like this. Him saying that he doesnt want to live in the past and to start fresh sounds to me like he is rugsweeping. If you cannot live with it, then get out, and stop beating yourself up about it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> As long as you feel that you are being lied to about what happened, you are not going to be able to make this work. There is a reason that your gut is screaming at you about this. You need the whole truth, and if you feel you arent getting it, then you owe it to yourself to get out. You cannot live like this. Him saying that he doesnt want to live in the past and to start fresh sounds to me like he is rugsweeping. If you cannot live with it, then get out, and stop beating yourself up about it.


Thanks 3Xnc for your reply and your tag line says it all!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course he doesn't want to live in the past, that involves exposing his lies.

Trust your gut.

You sound like a strong woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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