# Issue with Dad. Bad.



## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

Hello, so I'm a 23 year old college student in final year of studies getting 2 degrees in psychology and political science. Anyways, my dad and I were conversing on the phone and he just flipped on me. Like he "went off". And it weirded and pissed me off. We were talking about college football of all things, Johnny Manzel to be exact and he just feaked out on me and called me and I quote "A fat (I'm 6'1" 220, athletic and run a 5 in a half minute mile and bench 280... so yeah) F*ckin' Lazy Indian moma's boy" :scratchhead::scratchhead:

And he mean't it, like he wasn't playing around. 

I mean my dad and me aren't like the closest, but I thought we were okay. But I guess not, I think there's some deep seeded resentment on his part. I believe it stems from his mothers and his relationship. Also, I believe he's got a jealousy issue with my mother and I relationship and closeness.


Well, as I'm not a pushover and don't back down to abusive sh!t heads, I told him that(paragraph above), in a very calm and methodical yet smart ass academic way, then he said "oh your just like your crazy f*ckin mother, goodbye". And hung up, lol. 

So I need, shall we say, some advice on what to do. I'm not planing on talking to him in the near future. But maybe I'm wrong. 

Thoughts. 

I was referred here by one of my buddies I game with. He said it had good advice bout relationships. And I guess I need it. 



I haven't told my mother, I'm actually afraid too. Cause the immediate consequences for him could be severe. 

They are divorced but she still could affect his life in a variety of ways. So, I don't want to tell her why her son and his father aren't talking anymore. As I think it might be the final line for her with him. 


Advice please. Ignore and continue to ignore or mitigate issues.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

All right, here's some advice for you. Forget about it. Let it go like water rolling off a ducks back. If your mom asks about it just tell her it's nothing and you've already forgotten about it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds to me like dad and mom must have some ongoing connection. Is this correct? If so, is it possible that they had some sort of disagreement before he talked to you and that he took in out on you?

That doesn't make it acceptable, of course, but may help you understand what happened. 

I know that I kept the peace with people who did this at some point, and I have never regretted walking away from those relationships - including my mother, who finally, after decades of near-estrangement, told me I'd never been anything but a problem to her. I told her I never would be again, and have not spoken to her since. That was oh, about 10 years ago. She boohooed to my aunt that I was very close with and my aunt and I needed to come to an agreement about this. (Of course, she really came around to my side when my mother shoved her and she ended up with a broken back!) My mother also had my brother send me a nasty letter saying he wanted nothing to do with me, but I respectfully said my piece and he, too, came around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

:scratchhead:


SolidSnake1990 said:


> Hello, so I'm a 23 year old college student in final year of studies getting 2 degrees in psychology and political science. Anyways, my dad and I were conversing on the phone and he just flipped on me. Like he "went off". And it weirded and pissed me off. We were talking about college football of all things, Johnny Manzel to be exact and he just feaked out on me and called me and I quote "A fat (I'm 6'1" 220, athletic and run a 5 in a half minute mile and bench 280... so yeah) F*ckin' Lazy Indian moma's boy" :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> And he mean't it, like he wasn't playing around.
> 
> ...


One of you needs to start being the adult here. Since you are here, maybe that's you. 

Your father insulted you, so your response is to insult his mother, your grandmother? :scratchhead:

There are techniques that are used to calm down a situation like this. The major part of it is that you do not join the insult fest. You just politely say, that this conversation is not going well so you are going to end it now before anything else mean gets said.

Do you and your dad fling insults like this at each other often?

Your father insulted you. So you in return insulted his mother, your grandmother?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SolidSnake1990 said:


> Hello, so I'm a 23 year old college student in final year of studies getting 2 degrees in psychology and political science.



Sorry for changing the subject, but I do have some other advice for you. I was once very similar to you, a 23 year old college student in final year of studies getting 2 degrees in psychology and history.

You realize that your degrees are virtually worthless for finding a job right? 

If you want to find employment other than minimum wage, you will either have to go to grad school, join the military (I did both those options), or study something else.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

Alright so I've come back since there are different perspectives and some advice here. 

Thanks to the posters who have read the thread an can understand it. 

But to clear things up: That some here think or have some how inferred about this situation and me. 


I did not insult my grandmother to my father. Back in July- so lets keep track here, the convo with racial/derogatory slurs and out of line convo my dad said to me occurred three weeks ago. To the day actually. 

Okay stay with me here. In July I had dinner with my Grandparents and my dad. Well, my dad flipped on my grandmother and callled her "****in' crazy" and made her cry- this was at dinner and in public!!! Dafuq is that? 

So then I talked to my grandmother about it, and she told me that my father never talks to her and that he's very defensive when she's asks about things- as mothers of sons do. So that's where I infer that they're not close. Cause my grandmother told me this- after her 50 year old son (my dad) made a complete d-bag of himself and made his mother cry in front of her grandson (me). My grandfather said, that he can at times understand why my dad gets frustrated but that many times he's out of line, and that I shouldn't have seen it. So... Yeah. I guess their dynamic was dicey. But, I love my dad. So I didn't really 'get it' or didn't allow it to sink in. 

Fast forward a bit

Now this didn't affect my relationship with my Dad as I thought it was way out of line, but meh... Maybe he's just having a bad day. 

Now back in Early August, I went golfing with my Dad and he asks about how my mom is. And I said, she's doing great, really liking her new job and I've actually gotten her to start going for walks and eating a little better-she lives in the same town as me. Not in the same residence but in the same town. My dad lives like 30 miles away. As does my grandparents-where all around each other and pretty close. 

Anyway's he goes- "well good for her. She never could let her little baby go". 

Now again, I just kind brushed it off and was like. Okay, cool story bro. I didn't respond to it. 

Then three weeks ago this convo that the original post is about, happened. 

Now I asked for advice. Because My dad is acting weird to me, and well, yeah I don't know what to do really. 

Prior to this my father and I never had, what I would call, 'real' issues. Normal father son stuff. Like, not being a bum, or 'maning up' or you know stuff that a Dad and a teenage son have going on. Nothing out of the ordinary. And nothing in the last, I'd say 5 or 6 years. The only big argument and blow up we had, was when I was 17 and on a vacation with each other and we went at it pretty intensely-verbal never physical- we're both big guys, that would be bad. Plus my dad has never hit me, it was always my mom, lol. 

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that, we've never had anything like this. And he has never spit venom at me like that before. 

It was shocking. 

And that's really about it- Oh here's some facts about me, my mom and dad. 

They were divorced way early in my childhood, I think I was like 2 in a half or 3. I don't remember. I was with my mother primarily, but I had my father in my life. There was never a push, pull/tug relationship between either. I went with my dad when I wanted to and vice versa. They were pretty good. I had a very good child hood. And I thought, but I guess not, a pretty solid relationship with my dad. Even my dad says that we don't share or have the same relationship that he had with his Dad. His dad was distant and never did things with my dad I think, I think he was hard on my dad. And my dad rebelled a bit. 

My dad was not these things. He was in my life.

And this is why this is affecting me. 

If I didn't care or love my dad. I'd just write him off, cause I'm pretty cold. But I care and love my family. 

That's really bout it.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Sorry for changing the subject, but I do have some other advice for you. I was once very similar to you, a 23 year old college student in final year of studies getting 2 degrees in psychology and history.
> 
> You realize that your degrees are virtually worthless for finding a job right?
> 
> If you want to find employment other than minimum wage, you will either have to go to grad school, join the military (I did both those options), or study something else.



Yeah, tell me about it. That's why I'm contemplating very seriously about getting my teachers certification. The job I got going now is incredibly fun and I love it. But I don't know how much the ceiling or earning potential for it is. And I might need to get something that has more job security and promotional potential. 

Grad school would require me to do clinical work in psychology. And that basically means getting an MD and med school to make serious cash. 

And I'm sick of school for the most part. I could knock off the teaching certificate in 2 or 3 semesters. 


Thanks for your post, advice and concern. Many of my generation will have degrees. But degrees these days does not mean getting a decent job anymore. You have to get more education/certifications or think outside the box. Sucks, really. Just shows how bad and poor the economy is for young professionals in the US. Probably won't change. 

Again, thanks for concern and advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SolidSnake1990 said:


> Okay stay with me here. In July I had dinner with my Grandparents and my dad. Well, my dad flipped on my grandmother and callled her "****in' crazy" and made her cry- this was at dinner and in public!!! Dafuq is that?


The clarification helps. So you were to something your father said to his mother. 

It sounds like you are father might be going through a hard time with something. I will not even venture to guess what it might be. I wonder if you could open up a discussion with him and see if he tells you what’s up with him.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Well, I am not one to bury my head in the sand, so my advice may not be the best. But, I would talk to my father and ask what the hell is his problem. I wouldn't take language like that from a friend without calling him on it. So, I won't take it from family either. If I deserve it, then so be it. However, if it wasn't deserved, then I will call you out on it and we will get it hashed out.

As men, you can argue and still come out closer on the end of it. Men need/desire respect. There was a lot of disrepect in that conversation. I am sure it was on both ends. So, time to get it hashed out. Otherwise, it sits there and the resentment grows over time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SolidSnake1990 said:


> Yeah, tell me about it. That's why I'm contemplating very seriously about getting my teachers certification. The job I got going now is incredibly fun and I love it. But I don't know how much the ceiling or earning potential for it is. And I might need to get something that has more job security and promotional potential.
> 
> Grad school would require me to do clinical work in psychology. And that basically means getting an MD and med school to make serious cash.
> 
> ...


On thing to keep in mind is that unemployment is not high across the board. High unemployment is mostly among those with no high school or only high school education. People with a BA/BS have an employment rate at about 4.5%.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thing that comes to mind is related to your father's mommy boy comments.

I wonder if he is in a period where he is re-accessing his life and feels that he missed out a lot with you. Maybe there is some jealousy towards the close relationship you and your mother have.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

bbdad said:


> Well, I am not one to bury my head in the sand, so my advice may not be the best. But, I would talk to my father and ask what the hell is his problem. I wouldn't take language like that from a friend without calling him on it. So, I won't take it from family either. If I deserve it, then so be it. However, if it wasn't deserved, then I will call you out on it and we will get it hashed out.
> 
> As men, you can argue and still come out closer on the end of it. Men need/desire respect. There was a lot of disrepect in that conversation. I am sure it was on both ends. So, time to get it hashed out. Otherwise, it sits there and the resentment grows over time.



Yeah, this what my FB coach said and what I thought. But I just kinda am still ircked about what he said, I mean it wasn't like he said- "God your just lazy and dumb and your getting fat", lol. That's, you know, not a big deal. I mean he said some real deep hate stuff, and I just don't think, as of now, maybe in a little while. I want to talk to somebody like that. 

If he would have, or anyone, said those things to my face, I'd merk them up and put their d!ck in the dirt. And like you said, I mean I can't imagine even a friend saying those things, let alone my dad. I mean. Wow. 

But yeah, there's some issues here. 

Thankyou for the time and advice. And actually I would have preferred my dad try and punch me or something. I think that's not as deep with hate and resentment as what he said. 

This sucks.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My Dad was an unwilling corporate man recruited from the union ranks, which he dearly loved. I noticed that he was inundated with pressure from the company, but he handled it well only until he and his alcoholism came home. He was a HS grad; his three sons were all degreed from college.

I could sense some innate resentment although he always professed that he wanted his boys educationally better off than he ever was.

Cut your Dad some slack. Sit down and talk to him calmly letting him know how much you love him, no matter what, thanking him for the good things that he has provided you with, and never mentioning the bad. And try not to get competitive or argumentative with him. And close it all with a big, "I love you, Dad!"

He's getting up in years compared to you and occasionally he just needs a little reassurance from you! 

Oblige him ~ don't ever consider losing what should be one of your very best friends!*


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Mental illness? Drinking/alcoholism? Addiction to a drug? Serious problems at his workplace? Financial problems, creditors, possible bankruptcy? Gambling problem? .... There are so many things that could be going on with him. Just talk to him when you've had some time to cool off and don't feel as emotional.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Another thing that comes to mind is related to your father's mommy boy comments.
> 
> I wonder if he is in a period where he is re-accessing his life and feels that he missed out a lot with you. Maybe there is some jealousy towards the close relationship you and your mother have.



Yeah, I stated that in my original post. And yet another reason why I'm hesitate to talk to him. And why I will not want my mom to find out about what he said. But he's passive aggressive and uses intermediaries-like my previous post said, to get what he wants or to make it look like I'm the one that's at fault. 

Typical of someone like this. And yes, he's jealous of my Mom and her relationship with me. That much is obvious. 

And that's weird in itself. let alone the crap he said. I am not happy with his sh!t. And this is why I don't think in the near future it's good to talk about him. However, people will keep asking why. Cause he will keep putting them in the situation. And it will be an annoyance and and some point the truth will most likely come out. Or he could apologize man to man to his only son and take the responsibility for what he said and own his sh!t. 

But nah, he won't so... yeah. Here I am, lol.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> Mental illness? Drinking/alcoholism? Addiction to a drug? Serious problems at his workplace? Financial problems, creditors, possible bankruptcy? Gambling problem? .... There are so many things that could be going on with him. Just talk to him when you've had some time to cool off and don't feel as emotional.



He has no mental illness- that I know of and I'd know what to look for. Drinking- not really. He drinks but he doesn't abuse it, again possibly but I don't' think so. He actually got sales person of the year so no, work problems there. Financial?? I don't see how, he has no financial responsibility to me or wife or kids. Gambling? I guess, again a possibility. Drugs? When he was younger, the 80's where you know the 80's, lol but nothing too serious. And he's not doing drugs now. 

I'm starting to think he's just a manipulative, passive aggressive jerk. 

But he's my dad, and I love him. He's not a bad guy. I love him very much.

But's he's still a jerk. 

We'll probably talk soon I guess. But he's gonna have to 'man up' first and own what he said. Then I'll talk to him all he wants.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Maybe you're now seeing your dad's true colors after all these years.
Often our families end up being something other than what we thought they were while we're growing up.
It can be difficult to reconcile what we thought we knew to what is real.
It's okay to accept that our parents aren't perfect & quite frankly do suck, we can still love them while keeping our distance.

My husband's parents are the king & queen of passive aggressive bull sh*t, so he keeps his distance, then when we do see them, it's awkward as hell. 
He has the strangest relationship with them that I have ever seen, but it works for him, keeps him from having to deal with them unless he absolutely has to. 
They're not going to change, so my husband does the best he can to avoid them all together.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Some frank advice.

Family members seem to inately know EXACTLY which buttons to push to hurt those they love.

Your Dad is jealous of your life, what you are accomplishing..what he hasn't accomplished...he is also dealing with his own immortality. You didn't mention a significant other for him, maybe he is intensely lonely. Maybe he is reflecting and mourning the loss of the family unit. Maybe he sees your good relationship to your Mother and his crappy relationship with his own, maybe he feels sad that he doesn't have that closeness you do. He snapped at you when you shared how your Mother was doing well...has more to do with his unhappiness.


Your attitude and comeback to him - as you said wise a$$ academicly or how ever you put that...I take that to mean he has less of an education than you will have and it is a sore spot you were salting the wound.

When I read your first few posts - you were just simply being a punk. Your attitude was crappy and self-inflated and jerkish.
Hence the responses you got dude.

Then when you stopped being a jerk and were honest and genuine you got some actual useful feedback.

I would take an agonizing reappraisal of how you view your Dad. Have some compassion. One of these days he won't be here anymore and you will wish you were kinder. 

Think about the points I've brought up. Check your attitude and tone of voice and have a conversation with your Dad. If you feel there is something you need to get off your chest, do so without being snarky. Remember you love him and he loves you. 

The degree feedback about the BA - was spot on. You need a BS and if you are thinking Teaching, then you should look into the special student-loan forgiving options such as teaching Math and Science (high need) and with your love of sports, you could always coach something. Better to get in to a school teaching, THEN get your Masters which will increase your Salary etc.
Take full advantage of your campus placement office, see what job trends are out there. What you really enjoy doing and want to do. If you are 2-3 years from your degree, you can easily shift majors...it is totally common. You may even think about staying in University setting and teaching at that level.
The World is your Oyster.

I hope you can heal your relationship with your Dad.

Good Luck.

Get the latest edition/copy of "What Color Is My Parachute" exccellent guide to help the young adult nearing graduation figure out what things they could do to make a living.


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## SolidSnake1990 (Sep 15, 2013)

@phoenix70

I fear this might be the case. If so, then wow. I would be really sad. 


@ unique username

I think he has resentment with me and my mom. But I don't think he's jealous of what I've accomplish. He's educated as well. And pretty successful. He's made money and stuff. But I think he's projecting a lot of insecurities on someone who is very, very similar to him. 

His son. 


Thanks for the advice and posts.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Yeah, it would suck if he really is this way & this wasn't just a "one off."
I would give him another chance so to speak, see if his behavior goes back to the way he was before, or if he continues to say ugly things to you.
At that time, address his treatment of you directly to him & decide if you're going to distance yourself from him.
I'm not a fan of passivity when I'm being treated like sh*t, I will confront those who treat me poorly & woe to those who pretend otherwise.


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