# Wife joined meetup.com?



## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013. 

We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.

Fast forward two weeks. She joins a young professionals social networking group on the website (this was formerly labeled as single young professionals) that I didn't know about, as I'm not really familiar with how the meetup.com thing works. We get into an argument and she texts me saying she's going out tonight, and that's it. No indication of where or with who, etc. The next day we're out for lunch and she tells me that she had a good time at the meetup.com event and also tells me that it was not a girls night out, there were guys and girls and they went to Dave & Busters to play games and went to a lounge afterward. I'm furious at this point and she says it was strictly a professional networking event and she wasn't looking to date anyone or anything like that. I'm a guy and I know how guys think and she even made a few comments about some of the guys wanting to exchange numbers with the girls, etc. but that none of them did.

Am I in the wrong for really being upset about this? I understand she's relatively new in town but aren't there other ways to go out and make friends that don't involve going to bars and clubs and drinking at mixers? Maybe if she had invited me I would feel different, but that wasn't the case. How do I tell her I don't like the whole meetup.com concept and ask her to delete her account without coming off as controlling or overly jealous?

I'm 29, she's 27.


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## JAX GUY (Aug 17, 2014)

First off, you're feelings are never wrong. That's just the way you feel. You can't control your feelings.

I think your expectations are reasonable. I wouldn't tolerate similar behavior from my wife. My wife is a member of Meetup, but only participates in groups for mothers with young children.

You need to calmly discuss your feelings with your wife and agree to boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with her attending, that should be enough for her to stop the behavior. If she refuses, demand that you attend with her.

Obviously, some groups are for singles looking to meet other singles, but it sounds like your wife is playing in the dangerous gray area.

Good luck.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

You are NOT wrong.

She obviously has poor boundaries and is asking for trouble.

Put your foot down and stop this... or you go along to see what all the fun is about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cronos1247 said:


> Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.
> 
> We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.
> 
> ...


Yeah, this would not be ok with me. She was somewhat in your face about it. She should have done this as a couple.

She is right it was not a GNO. It was hanging out with single folks it seems. Deeper issues here. Too much drama for me.

Sigh.

Jealous, Insecure and Controlling. Shaming words. But hey, why do you care? If this is not ok with you then that is an issue. 

Do you have kids? Assuming not. It does not sound like you guys agreed upon boundaries.

Try doing His Needs Her Needs together and get some boundaries agreed upon.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought was to question how much you and your wife do to socialize together. Have you been open to finding new "couples" friends? She moved there to be with you, but you can't expect your buddies wives to be her friend. 

Second, meetup is a mixed bag, in my experience. There's some groups that are likely safe, and others are a meetup market. Your wife is making poor decisions. You're making poor decisions by not going out with her. 

C


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Thank God for Meetup.com! Seriously, it's been a real life saver for my wife. She moved her to NYC after the marriage and since it takes her much longer to make friends than it does me, she was struggling for awhile. She has far fewer friends than I do, and almost none of them live here in the city. My wife and I have very different interests and are drawn often to very different kinds of people. She does meet ups from time to time and it's a great way for her to get out and about with like minded people and do the things that I have no interest in. She's met two of her best NY girls via meet ups. 

Having said that I don't get it being used just for bars and clubs. The meet ups here in NYC cover a near endless amount of activities. Is it different there or is your wife just drawn to bars/clubs? Would you have a problem if she was into, for example, the culinary arts and did a meet up at a cooking and tasting class? Or is it strictly a club/bar thing? Did you know that she enjoyed bars/clubbing before marriage?

Also the fact that she wouldn't tell you where she was going is enormous. I can't even imagine my wife NOT telling me that basic info, for safety purposes alone, never mind out of pure respect. When my wife goes to a meet up I don't have to request said information, she volunteers it, when she's leaving the place, as well as the blow by blow happenings of the meet up after the fact. 

But good luck trying to tell her that she shouldn't do meet ups at all because you have a problem with the entire concept. It's one thing to express displeasure about specific kinds of meet ups, another entirely to tell a grown ass woman that she can't go to a meet up because you just don't "get" the concept.


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## squareone (Aug 29, 2014)

Unless its to meet other mothers etc, I would question why you are not included.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Separate issues. Simly walking out without telling you where she is going is extremely disrespectful.

The dave and busyers thing if true, beats a dance club. She sort of sounds despeate to get away from you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

It depends upon the meetup.com group she's participating in. There's one for single fathers for example. There's some for Salsa dancing. 

If she's on one for singles meeting other singles, then that is a serious problem.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

like others say, there are good groups, and groups more for singles. The dave and busters thing, why did she not want you to go with her? 

If it was a mushroom pickers group, I would worry less.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> like others say, there are good groups, and groups more for singles. The dave and busters thing, why did she not want you to go with her?
> 
> If it was a mushroom pickers group, I would worry less.


Many of the sex-starved here are "mushrooms", they get no sunlight and bad air.


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

Cronos1247 said:


> Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.
> 
> We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.
> 
> ...



You don't. You say, "Alright. Well, it seems you have kept up with this site and have plans. I'm leaving for awhile, and I will come back in 2 days. If in that time you have not quit this ridiculous social bullsh!t site and others like it, hiding, and partial-truths, we need to talk about moving on, because these behaviors are unsafe, and disrespectful dealbreakers to the sanctity of our union." You bring the seriousness to her door, turn off the phone and go dark. Relax in a hotel to cool off. Come back in 2 days, and let her realize you are a MAN and you are serious about your demands. Women respect men who stick to their guns. She will probably go through the stages of anger--->remorse, and needs to BEG forgiveness. If she flares up, gets angry, or starts becoming disrespectful (it is PARAMOUNT you are calm and logical...), you say "I will now leave and come back at my discretion. I refuse to be disrespected and demand an apology upon my return." You aren't putting a leash on her or controlling her fun time or who she hangs out with; you are establishing boundaries. You need not mention the "not invited" bit--that's irrelevant and she could attack that. Your focus is boundaries, safe methods of mingling with other COUPLES, and not putting oneself in compomising situations. Just IMHO


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Many of the sex-starved here are "mushrooms", they get no sunlight and bad air.


and are liberally fed horsesh*t :rofl:


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I wouldn't be cool with that.

You can't control her, but you can control what you put up with. 

Why is it that you and your wife can't hang-out together?
Can't you guys find other couples to hang out with?
How much time to you spend with each other, regularly?
Why is she so focused on meeting people outside of your relationship?

Sounds like she wants to be married but lead the life of a single party girl...cake-eater.

Does she work?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I belong to meetup and know a lot of other people that do too. But I don't think how she's using it is cool; I belong to a few groups that share my interests but they're not singles groups. People join singles groups for one reason.....at minimum there's some poor boundaries here. You could either demand she stop or you could join a couple of singles groups yourself and see how she likes it. I'm a fan of what's good for you is good for me. A little empathy goes a long way.

Having said that you guys do need to find couples to hang out with.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, I think you have to focus on what is driving her to it.

She doesn't feel she fits in with your life and your circle, so she is trying to create one for herself. You say there are issues of her fitting in with your friends and "whatnot". This is enormously important.

You two have to become "one" socially as a married couple.

How can you make that happen?


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Meetup groups themselves are not bad. However she shouldn't be joining singles groups. You need to have a discussion about boundaries and protecting the marriage. Instead of trying to stop her from using meetup groups suggest groups that are more appropriate and offer to join one with her. In my area there are so many groups whose main purpose is a fine hobby. Just last night one of the local climbing meetup groups were at the climbing gym I use. One of my friends likes the hiking meetups. With that you get a chance to explore the local area outdoors. 

But it's all about boundaries. Read up on them here and have a boundary discussion with your wife.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

meson said:


> Meetup groups themselves are not bad. However she shouldn't be joining singles groups. You need to have a discussion about boundaries and protecting the marriage. Instead of trying to stop her from using meetup groups suggest groups that are more appropriate and offer to join one with her. In my area there are so many groups whose main purpose is a fine hobby. Just last night one of the local climbing meetup groups were at the climbing gym I use. One of my friends likes the hiking meetups. With that you get a chance to explore the local area outdoors.
> 
> But it's all about boundaries. Read up on them here and have a boundary discussion with your wife.


that, or just go along with her! That is an excellent way for you two to bond, find new _couples_ friends.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

To me the big deal isn't about her going, it's about her attitude.....not telling you, blowing you off, etc. Are you approachable about this, or have you "downed" her in any way about not getting along with your friends wifes and such? Why are you not taking her places and meeting new people together? 

I am a very social creature myself, and have moved for a marriage before where I knew no one. It is VERY isolating. My ex did NOTHING to help me meet people, including not ever taking me out. I did meet neighbors and such, which helped (but we all had kids.) I finally ended up going to school and made friends there. 

My suggestion is to not worry so much about the website, but get to the bottom of why she felt the need to exclude you from her plans.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Cronos1247 said:


> Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.


Red flag, so you guys are married and your honeymoon phase of the relationship is not even over yet.

OUCH

You might be in for a shock within the next year/1.5 years......but clearly you are in shock ALREADY.



Cronos1247 said:


> We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.


So that's good, did you communicate your feelings and she agreed? Or didn't go "because you didn't let her"?



Cronos1247 said:


> Fast forward two weeks. She joins a young professionals social networking group on the website (this was formerly labeled as single young professionals) that I didn't know about, as I'm not really familiar with how the meetup.com thing works. We get into an argument and she texts me saying she's going out tonight, and that's it. No indication of where or with who, etc. The next day we're out for lunch and she tells me that she had a good time at the meetup.com event and also tells me that it was not a girls night out, there were guys and girls and they went to Dave & Busters to play games and went to a lounge afterward. I'm furious at this point and she says it was strictly a professional networking event and she wasn't looking to date anyone or anything like that. I'm a guy and I know how guys think and she even made a few comments about some of the guys wanting to exchange numbers with the girls, etc. but that none of them did.


She is putting herself into very dangerous situations......that are inappropriate and disrespectful towards you and your marriage/relationship.




Cronos1247 said:


> Am I in the wrong for really being upset about this? I understand she's relatively new in town but aren't there other ways to go out and make friends that don't involve going to bars and clubs and drinking at mixers? Maybe if she had invited me I would feel different, but that wasn't the case. How do I tell her I don't like the whole meetup.com concept and ask her to delete her account without coming off as controlling or overly jealous?
> 
> I'm 29, she's 27.


Forget about meet up. 

Bar/club is not an appropriate place to be in as a married adult. ESPECIALLY one that's in the 20s. 

Also, leaving you out of this, while she is drinking and in that environment is extremely concerning to you.

I would ask her why she didn't want to invite you? This is probably your biggest concern. As a married couple, you 2 should be doing things together.

She also needs to understand and accept that she is putting herself into an EXTREMELY vulnerable position by getting drunk with bunch of strangers from the internet WITHOUT YOU.

It's unacceptable, inappropriate and disrespectful.

It has NOTHING to do with "going out".


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

tulsy said:


> Sounds like she wants to be married but lead the life of a single party girl...cake-eater.
> 
> Does she work?


Devil's advocate here:

First, let me say that going to a singles meetup is a no-no, duh. But to be fair, that particular group was previously listed as a singles meetup, then changed to a 'professionals' meetup. It is entirely possible that she is/was naïve enough to think that it would be strictly professional (despite being at D&B...  )

Anyway, how do we know that OP wasn't invited? Not just to that particular one?

I'm almost 40. I meet people the old fashioned way (by yelling at them to get off my lawn). People under 30 do things differently, like meet new people online. For the most part, the under 30 crowd has grown up with the online world, and pretty much everything is done that way. Meeting new people isn't any different, but it's a concept that is relatively foreign to those of us at a certain age or higher. By the time the internet caught fire, I was already in my early 20's, and very few people had cell phones. Texting didn't exist, online dating didn't exist, no facebook, no camera phones, etc.

So, boundaries need to be discussed, obviously. That's a given.

But on the other side of things, this is how things are done nowadays. We have a new wife, in a new city, possibly with a husband that has no interest in meeting new people, helping his wife meet new people, or even going out socially.

There are better ways to do this on her part, but is she expected to sit at home and not be social? Is she expected to just be friends with the people her husband expects her to be friends with (ie. his friends and their wives)?

But agreed, absolutely, her choice of meetup groups needs to be revised to those that are marriage-friendly.

I blame age and a generational gap for this. Also lack of boundaries.

Also, what on earth is stopping him from going along with her?


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Thank God for Meetup.com! Seriously, it's been a real life saver for my wife. She moved her to NYC after the marriage and since it takes her much longer to make friends than it does me, she was struggling for awhile. She has far fewer friends than I do, and almost none of them live here in the city. My wife and I have very different interests and are drawn often to very different kinds of people. She does meet ups from time to time and it's a great way for her to get out and about with like minded people and do the things that I have no interest in. She's met two of her best NY girls via meet ups.
> 
> Having said that I don't get it being used just for bars and clubs. The meet ups here in NYC cover a near endless amount of activities. Is it different there or is your wife just drawn to bars/clubs? Would you have a problem if she was into, for example, the culinary arts and did a meet up at a cooking and tasting class? Or is it strictly a club/bar thing? Did you know that she enjoyed bars/clubbing before marriage?
> 
> ...


I have no issues with her doing meetups for things like painting class or cooking, etc. And I even said why does it have to be bars and that kind of thing? She said it's easier to meet people that way.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

alexm said:


> I'm almost 40. I meet people the old fashioned way (by yelling at them to get off my lawn). People under 30 do things differently, like meet new people online. For the most part, the under 30 crowd has grown up with the online world, and pretty much everything is done that way. Meeting new people isn't any different, but it's a concept that is relatively foreign to those of us at a certain age or higher. By the time the internet caught fire, I was already in my early 20's, and very few people had cell phones. Texting didn't exist, online dating didn't exist, no facebook, no camera phones, etc.


I don't think there is an age issue or generation gap here with meetup. I'm in my fifties and my best friend was someone I met online from something similar to meetup. I was in my upper forties then and he was low thirties. In fact most of my current friends I met online. But then again I've been using the Internet since the 80s.



alexm said:


> I blame age and a generational gap for this. Also lack of boundaries.
> 
> Also, what on earth is stopping him from going along with her?


I'll go with boundaries. A singles group online or in person is not an appropriate place to find marriage friendly friends.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

Thanks for all of the responses. Just to give a little back story on a few things like why I wasn't invited, etc...

When she originally ended up not going to the all girls meetup, it wasn't because I didn't let her, she said it was because she was tired that night. When she told me, she made it seem as if she were doing me a favor by not going "Aren't you relieved?" is what she said.

The day she DID go out (though she joined this group way before we started fighting) was because I had attended my sons fourth birthday party that afternoon, for about an hour, that my ex had put together. We have had some serious issues regarding my being at certain places for my son and my ex being around, etc. So she used this as a way to spite me for going to the birthday party. So when she text me and said she was going out, I tried talking to her when I got home and she went in the bedroom and closed the door, refusing to talk. I couldn't stand being there anymore, so I left the house and met up with one of my buddies and stayed talking with him until about 1AM. I got home at about 1:30 and she was awake but promptly got in bed when I walked through the door without saying anything. We didn't talk until she asked me to go to lunch the following day, which is when I found out it was a guys/girls event. After I really expressed how upset I was about her going to things like these, she said there was another one on Wednesday and she wanted me to go with her and I think she also got the point that I'm NOT ok with her attending these types of events. She is in a step moms club which is fine, by the other meetup groups are not ok with me. The problem is if I tell her I want her to delete her account or leave all of the meetup groups that I don't think are acceptable, she'll probably throw the whole controlling / jealous thing at me. I asked her how she would like it if I did the same thing and joined a group, and she said it was different because I already have my friends here. 



Also, when people ask her why she moved to Texas she said it was because of work. She made no mention that she was married or that she moved here because of me, because according to her nobody talked about their personal lives.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

My advice: keep checking her account without her knowing. Don't let on that you know her password or she might change it. Sounds innocent so far. 

Go to the events with her from now on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends? 

You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep boundary issues and now p*ssing contest... One of you needs to break that cycle. Resentment underlies a LOT of affairs. And right now its building between the two of you.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?
> 
> You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::smthumbup:

So you left her upset and alone to go to your son's birthday party and are mad because she went out too? I would have gone too. What have you done to help her feel accepted and appreciated since she's been there aside from her meeting (and obviously not caring for) your friend's wifes? Just how many similar interests do you guys actually share?


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?
> 
> You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was invited to the birthday and I told her I really wanted her to come. 

Regarding my friends, she doesn't like being around my best friends wife because she's my exes cousin. In my wifes defense, I hated this same girl for the longest but tolerated her because she was married to my best friend (also my best man at our wedding).


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> :iagree::smthumbup:
> 
> So you left her upset and alone to go to your son's birthday party and are mad because she went out too? I would have gone too. What have you done to help her feel accepted and appreciated since she's been there aside from her meeting (and obviously not caring for) your friend's wifes? Just how many similar interests do you guys actually share?


I didn't storm out and leave her there alone. She was at work and I told her I would wait for her so we could both go but she didn't want to. It's also worth mentioning that the week prior she told me she had booked a flight to CA and was going to stay with her cousin for a week, again without telling me before actually going through with it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Why did she not want to go to the bday party?


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Why did she not go to the bday party?


She got into it with my EX and didn't want to be around her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She may be used to making her own decisions, independent streak. I am VERY similar. You guys will need to find a consensus on what is ok to "check in" with the other on and what doesn't matter.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Cronos1247 said:


> She got into it with my EX and didn't want to be around her.



THAT is a TOUGH spot.... because you should have stayed with your wife, yet you went for your child, so neither is 100% a wrong choice.

Why did she get into it with your ex?

Personally, your wife should have put on her big girl panties and went anyway...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Start acting single.

Because she is.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> THAT is a TOUGH spot.... because you should have stayed with your wife, yet you went for your child, so neither is 100% a wrong choice.
> 
> Why did she get into it with your ex?
> 
> Personally, your wife should have put on her big girl panties and went anyway...


It's going to sound a little ridiculous...

My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cronos1247 said:


> It's going to sound a little ridiculous...
> 
> My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.


Ya, it does sound ridiculous....your current wife's behavior here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Cronos1247 said:


> It's going to sound a little ridiculous...
> 
> My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.


yuck.... you've got a mess on your hands. You have one woman who is insecure (your wife) and another woman who "could" choose to use that as an excuse to get to you (your ex)... wifey knows this and by your wifes behavior she is wanting a boundary with your ex. I don't envy you because that is not going to be very cut and dry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why did you need to get remarried?
If your wife cannot accept your child and by extension his mother, you are in for a really crappy outcome. You really should have been more careful in your decison to get married. If you and your wife are fighting against each other instead of working with each other, that is a red flag also. You two have to start working together.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cronos1247 said:


> It's going to sound a little ridiculous...
> 
> My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.


So by itself this does sound ridiculous. But as someone that has some issues with my husband's ex I have to ask: is this really all there is to it? You have proper boundaries with your ex, your wife has never expressed issues with your boundaries, and this birthday email was the first time you've heard of issues with your ex? How does your ex treat your wife? Does she make snide remarks or just generally treat her like she's beneath her?

I ask this because my husband's ex has always had too much of her nose in his business, imo. When we met, while they hadn't been physically involved for a long time, the emotional ties hadn't quite been completely cut and I feel she resented that she had to give up that place in his life. Funny because they'd been divorced for 5 years and supposedly separated for 3 years before that.....We've had some awesome fights about this and he is getting a lot better, but we've also been together for over 9 years. She liked to make little snippy comments to me for the sole purpose of letting me know she'd been there first and since they had a daughter she was really more important in his life. Just very rude and disrespectful, I would never talk to a women my ex hb brings around like that. I put a stop to that myself, we won't get into how here, but my husband either played dumb for years or simply didn't want to get into it. That ultimately caused for damage. Just think about it.

It still sounds to me like you guys haven't combined your lives. Not that you should give up your friends but most of your time should be devoted to your wife, not your friends.


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## Mestupxtian (Mar 30, 2012)

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with your wife and your ex to some extent. You should start off the conversation something like... "I know you aren't thrilled with my ex. I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable but I have to have some contact with her because she is the mother of my son. How do we make this work where I can spend time with my son and his mother without it affecting us?" It would also be good to reaffirm your love for your wife as part of this conversation and to do it proactively instead of after something she doesn't agree with has happened.

There is also the lack of communication with her trips and going out. You guys need to get on the same page as far as what is expected. My wife and I know that if we need to go somewhere in town, we don't need each other's permission, but we still tell each other out of respect - usually before the plans are made. If we have to do something that is more than, say 2 or 4 hours in duration, especially if it is an overnight trip, that is something we definitely discuss before plans are made. 

I'm not sure if she just doesn't think that she needs your input before making these decisions or if she thinks its OK to leave you out of the decision making process as revenge for some previous slight, but you have to lay down some ground rules and work out past differences or it will eat your marriage alive. A passive-aggressive spouse can be dangerous to a marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So as is often the case, what's presented as THE problem is often just a symptom of the bigger issues at play. So what are you doing about the disconnect between you and your wife? Is counseling an option?

You're 29 years old, and on your second marriage which is in ICU right now... What are you doing about yourself and your part in this?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How long were you married the first time and why did you guys split


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

PBear said:


> ....
> You're 29 years old, and on your second marriage...


Biggest problem, right there


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> and are liberally fed horsesh*t :rofl:


And happy to get that!


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So by itself this does sound ridiculous. But as someone that has some issues with my husband's ex I have to ask: is this really all there is to it? You have proper boundaries with your ex, your wife has never expressed issues with your boundaries, and this birthday email was the first time you've heard of issues with your ex? How does your ex treat your wife? Does she make snide remarks or just generally treat her like she's beneath her?
> 
> I ask this because my husband's ex has always had too much of her nose in his business, imo. When we met, while they hadn't been physically involved for a long time, the emotional ties hadn't quite been completely cut and I feel she resented that she had to give up that place in his life. Funny because they'd been divorced for 5 years and supposedly separated for 3 years before that.....We've had some awesome fights about this and he is getting a lot better, but we've also been together for over 9 years. She liked to make little snippy comments to me for the sole purpose of letting me know she'd been there first and since they had a daughter she was really more important in his life. Just very rude and disrespectful, I would never talk to a women my ex hb brings around like that. I put a stop to that myself, we won't get into how here, but my husband either played dumb for years or simply didn't want to get into it. That ultimately caused for damage. Just think about it.
> 
> It still sounds to me like you guys haven't combined your lives. Not that you should give up your friends but most of your time should be devoted to your wife, not your friends.


My EX and her have never really been around each other much and I don't speak with her regarding anything other than what pertains to my son. When me and my wife first got together, my ex would still text me things here and there that didn't have anything to do with my son (nothing inappropriate, just things about cooking or something irrelevant) and when I found out it didn't sit well with my wife, I put a stop to it. I don't live close to my friends or my ex, I actually live over an hour away and probably see my friends 3-4 times a year. My wife having issues with my best friends wife is starting to cause some drama also because she has given me the ultimatum of having her with me on my birthday OR having my friends with me on my birthday, because she said she won't be around the girl she doesn't like. We have some pretty intense fights and right now we're actually doing ok, which is why I haven't wanted to bring up the meetup.com thing to her and tell her to leave that group, etc. because I'll be in for another fight...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> How long were you married the first time and why did you guys split


And how long between your separation/divorce and the new marriage?

I'm not trying to blame you for your current wife's poor boundaries, btw. Just trying to understand (and help you understand) how you got into the situation you're in. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sure, you're doing great as long as you let your wife do whatever she likes, which apparently includes a lot of "single girl" behaviors...

Dude... Read up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer".

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> It seems that you two have separate lives. Why are you going to your sons birthday party with your ex without your wife? That reeks of boundary issues. What's the issue with your friends?
> 
> You guys need to become a team with shared interests. This your life and her life thing isn't going to work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I too am wondering why the wife didn't go to the step son's birthday party. I have 3 step sons and I have been to their birthday parties that were hosted by the mom. What a way to create a divide, that's not good.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I belong to meetup and use it primarily for professional and social networking. I have never used it for dating and honestly, didn't get the impression from the goups I was/am in that anyone really did. Obviously dating scenarios can present themselves as they can in any social arrangement.

Being someone who has moved a lot, I found meetup to be a quick way to get into a social circle and expand from there. The meetings can be stale, professional training type events, or going out for drinks, or anything really. 

She wants to be social and have a social life independent of you. That doesn't automatically mean she's looking for hookup opportunities. I think it's a good thing to have a some, limited, social life independent of your spouse.

Do you ever go out with friends without her? Same thing no?

These aren't always bad things. But your boundaries are your boundaries and you should stick to them.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm almost 40. I meet people the old fashioned way (by yelling at them to get off my lawn). People under 30 do things differently, like meet new people online. For the most part, the under 30 crowd has grown up with the online world, and pretty much everything is done that way. Meeting new people isn't any different, but it's a concept that is relatively foreign to those of us at a certain age or higher. By the time the internet caught fire, I was already in my early 20's, and very few people had cell phones. Texting didn't exist, online dating didn't exist, no facebook, no camera phones, etc.


Hmm, I just turned 35, so not that much younger than you, and not in the under 30 crowd. I'm not sure I buy the whole generational gap argument because you're making us sound like we missed the whole internet development. I had a cell phone as a college junior, with almost all my friends having one before me. I had internet in the 90s as a teenager, Myspace and Facebook in my 20s, and I have actual real life friends I met on the internet. Judging by your post it makes it sound like anyone over 30 basically grew up in the 1950s.

Lots of people are meeting folks via the internet and many, many of them are much older than us.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Cronos1247 said:


> It's going to sound a little ridiculous...
> 
> My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.


 You know your current wife sounds really immature and she had to know that when she married you that you would have to communicate with your ex when it came to your child and when she gets bent out of shape of a stupid Spider Man website, then it's time you sit her down and in a serious way tell her to grow the hell up and start acting like an adult.

I have a feeling that if she would act adult, she wouldn't have to browse the internet trying to find friends but sooner or later with her immaturity, she going to get her ass in the ringer with these people so you better nip this in the bud PDQ.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

This is my first marriage.

My EX got pregnant a few months into our relationship and we stuck it out for about two years to try to make it work for our son. We just weren't getting a long for the last year of our relationship and the vibes were getting bad so we decided to call it quits, no hard feelings in the end.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

why couldn't yall make it work?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So how long in between relationships? And what about counseling for you and your wife?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cronos1247 said:


> She got into it with my EX and didn't want to be around her.


I don't blame her. Now I do not think she is so down with this marriage right now. She seems to be looking for a replacement.

My gut tells me she is not ok with your ongoing relationship with your EX. I totally get that you have a four year old son. Perhaps you need to separate activities more. Like have your own birthday with him.
Do you do family things with your EX and son still?


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I belong to meetup and use it primarily for professional and social networking. I have never used it for dating and honestly, didn't get the impression from the goups I was/am in that anyone really did. Obviously dating scenarios can present themselves as they can in any social arrangement.
> 
> Being someone who has moved a lot, I found meetup to be a quick way to get into a social circle and expand from there. The meetings can be stale, professional training type events, or going out for drinks, or anything really.
> 
> ...


I mean it's one thing to go out to meetup events with just girls or something that doesn't involve drinking, but why put herself in the position where temptation is heightened and there's more occurrence for inappropriate behavior? It's not that I don't trust her, I could go sit in a room full of naked ladies and not do anything, but why create the scenario with a greater possibility? 

I don't go out with friends without her, actually I never have except for my bachelor party.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> So how long in between relationships? And what about counseling for you and your wife?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I separate with my EX September 2012 and started dating my now wife in February 2013.

Me and my wife met on a cruise in the Bahamas...her from CA and me from TX. After the cruise, I flew her down to Texas for a week and then we both flew back up to CA, we packed her apartment up and road tripped back to Texas. Have been together ever since.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

As is often the case with these type of threads, pertinent info only comes out after a sanitized OP.

So this isn't about Meetup.com at all. This is a drama about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend/mother of your child, you having the freedom to go out with your buddies till 1am without her and her moving to another state just to be with you, yet not getting on with your preexisting group. From her perspective I think it might look like you get to have all the cake you want, and eat it too. 

Sounds like her doing the meetup and keeping you out of the loop is a part of this sad, destructive game of tit-4-tat you guys have going. That's likely to end in disaster. 

Are you guys even in love? Are you passionate about each other? Do you communicate well at all? How much help have you provided in her social life in TX? Just seems like you have some pretty deep issues that are far beyond Meetup.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm with jaquen. I LOVE meetup.com.

I go to meetups that are related to my skills and job. I love going, and talking computers with other people. It's not made to be a dating website. Although I'm sure it can be used that way.

You both need to sit down and talk about boundaries.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> I don't blame her. Now I do not think she is so down with this marriage right now. She seems to be looking for a replacement.
> 
> My gut tells me she is not ok with your ongoing relationship with your EX. I totally get that you have a four year old son. Perhaps you need to separate activities more. Like have your own birthday with him.
> Do you do family things with your EX and son still?


No I don't do things with my EX and son at the time. Last year my sons birthday was at my moms house and my ex was there also though. This year his birthday was my EXes house. I told her last year that we could possibly do separate birthdays this year, but it didn't out like I thought. My friends wives are closer with my EX due to her being cousins with one so all of my friends and family even went to this party arranged by my EX.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I belong to meetup and use it primarily for professional and social networking. I have never used it for dating and honestly, didn't get the impression from the goups I was/am in that anyone really did. Obviously dating scenarios can present themselves as they can in any social arrangement.
> 
> Being someone who has moved a lot, I found meetup to be a quick way to get into a social circle and expand from there. The meetings can be stale, professional training type events, or going out for drinks, or anything really.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> So how long in between relationships? And what about counseling for you and your wife?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I actually spoke to a counselor yesterday and just need to ask my wife if she would like to go. Last time we got into a big argument related to my son/ex, I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, she told me to go by myself.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

jaquen said:


> As is often the case with these type of threads, pertinent info only comes out after a sanitized OP.
> 
> So this isn't about Meetup.com at all. This is a drama about your relationship with your ex-girlfriend/mother of your child, you having the freedom to go out with your buddies till 1am without her and her moving to another state just to be with you, yet not getting on with your preexisting group. From her perspective I think it might look like you get to have all the cake you want, and eat it too.
> 
> ...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You've got too many lines crossing between your old life and your new one... that's the reason for wife being upset and if she doesn't think you don't get it, she isn't trusting you. 

Your gut instinct to start having separate parties is correct. 

If you have any friends throwing your ex in your wifes face, get rid of them.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cronos1247 said:


> No I don't do things with my EX and son at the time. Last year my sons birthday was at my moms house and my ex was there also though. This year his birthday was my EXes house. I told her last year that we could possibly do separate birthdays this year, but it didn't out like I thought. My friends wives are closer with my EX due to her being cousins with one so all of my friends and family even went to this party arranged by my EX.


So let me get this straight:

Your WIFE moves to another state to be with you. She's met with a social circle that's loyal and dedicated to your EX. 

So how much effort have you put into finding new, mutual friends who don't have the history and baggage that comes with your EX? And I'm not talking about the wives of YOUR friends, I'm talking about mutual friends and couple friends?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Cronos1247 said:


> I mean it's one thing to go out to meetup events with just girls or something that doesn't involve drinking, but why put herself in the position where temptation is heightened and there's more occurrence for inappropriate behavior? It's not that I don't trust her, I could go sit in a room full of naked ladies and not do anything, but why create the scenario with a greater possibility?
> 
> I don't go out with friends without her, actually I never have except for my bachelor party.


Ah, well its apparent that you two have different views on socializing. Are you not permitted to attend these events with her? Does she demand to go alone?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cronos1247 said:


> It's going to sound a little ridiculous...
> 
> My EX had E-mailed me some suggestions on what my son wants for his birthday (he's four and lives with his mom so I don't really know everything he wants), my wife goes through my E-mail / phone / FB messages regularly and found this. There was nothing inappropriate, just a link to a website that sold Spider man toys and my wife flipped and told my EX we don't need her help picking out gifts for my son, etc. etc. and then the fight ensued.


That is just a symptom. Indeed not an issue. She does not want your EX wife in your life.

Is your EX remarried?


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

jaquen said:


> So let me get this straight:
> 
> Your WIFE moves to another state to be with you. She's met with a social circle that's loyal and dedicated to your EX.
> 
> So how much effort have you put into finding new, mutual friends who don't have the history and baggage that comes with your EX?


That's what I'm working on now. I've made a few new friends that have no ties to my previous ones and she gets along relatively well with one of their wives, working on more. But am I supposed to cut ties with all of my previous friends of 20+ years? I've only grown up with about 4 close friends that I've known since I was around 7 years old.


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> That is just a symptom. Indeed not an issue. She does not want your EX wife in your life.
> 
> Is your EX remarried?


She's not yet remarried (and I cannot WAIT until she is, it will be the happiest day of my life) but has had two different relationships so far. We're counting the days.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Cronos1247 said:


> That's what I'm working on now. I've made a few new friends that have no ties to my previous ones and she gets along relatively well with one of their wives, working on more. But am I supposed to cut ties with all of my previous friends of 20+ years? I've only grown up with about 4 close friends that I've known since I was around 7 years old.


No, but pay attention to how they treat your wife and it they treat her less than they should, call them on it and if they don't respond THEN get rid of them


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cronos1247 said:


> I actually spoke to a counselor yesterday and just need to ask my wife if she would like to go. Last time we got into a big argument related to my son/ex, I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, she told me to go by myself.


Is this her general attitude? Do what you like; she's fine the way she is and isn't going to work on the relationship?

What's her relationship background? 

And if I understand your timeline correctly, within 6 months you went from being with your ex (living together? Just seeing each other?) to knowing this new girl for two weeks to living with her? Have things always been this "interesting", as far as your relationship with your wife? Was there always big blowup fights? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cronos1247 (Sep 3, 2014)

PBear said:


> Is this her general attitude? Do what you like; she's fine the way she is and isn't going to work on the relationship?
> 
> What's her relationship background?
> 
> ...


She has been in a few long term relationships and had plenty more "partners" than me, which kind of irks me but I can live with it. She only had one long term relationship where her partner cheated on her.

There weren't always these crazy blow out fights, this is something new that just started happening after our wedding. 

I lived with my EX for close to two years.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Might be a good idea to tell your wife that you do want to seek solution to this situation and that you are committed to getting it settled and putting accurate boundaries in place that work.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Cronos1247 said:


> She has been in a few long term relationships and had plenty more "partners" than me, which kind of irks me but I can live with it. *She only had one long term relationship where her partner cheated on her.*
> 
> There weren't always these crazy blow out fights, this is something new that just started happening after our wedding.
> 
> I lived with my EX for close to two years.


That explains a lot... your wife has remaining trauma wounds from that that are playing out in your marriage, not in that she shouldn't be concerned but certainly explains her intenseness in her reactions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cronos1247 said:


> She's not yet remarried (and I cannot WAIT until she is, it will be the happiest day of my life) but has had two different relationships so far. We're counting the days.


I realize this is hyperbole, but why do you think this will be such a positive thing for you? From the sounds of things, you have relatively little interaction with your ex..

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cronos1247 said:


> That's what I'm working on now. I've made a few new friends that have no ties to my previous ones and she gets along relatively well with one of their wives, working on more. But am I supposed to cut ties with all of my previous friends of 20+ years? I've only grown up with about 4 close friends that I've known since I was around 7 years old.


Here's the thing, I'm in your shoes. My wife moved several states away just for me. I've got lots of close and best friends who mean the world to me. My wife has a few too, but most of them didn't live NY, which is where we live.

My wife and I are very different people. We do not have a mutual social circle, like many couples do. We have very independent social lives with almost no cross over. I think eventually that'll change, but we've been together for 14 years and so far this has worked beautifully for us.

My wife joined meetup.com to connect with people on here own. I've never been to a meet up so far. It's her thing, not mine, and I condone that. I'm free to go but I chose not to.

So I get it. But this isn't working for you guys.

Do the friends you have respect your wife? I would NEVER keep a friend around who doesn't have the utmost respect for my wife. Are any of these people opposed to your wife and your marriage? 

You mention the wives of your friends. That's not necessarily good enough. How many friends are you and your wife making mutually? The husband's of my wife's friends are cool, but they sure aren't my friends. I don't make friends with people just because they're married to my wife's friends and perhaps your wife is the same. If you're going to marry your social lives perhaps the onus need to lie on building friends together.

I wouldn't cut my ties to friends and neither would my wife. Friendship is EXTREMELY important to both of us. But the separate social life thing seems to be hurting you so it need to change.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

1. reassure your wife you are handling this situation

2. set reasonable accurate boundaries that honors your marriage without abandoning your child OR appeasing your wife

3. Call wife out on any unreasonable fears or reactions in a constructive manner, asking her to choose better

4. Be prepared to reassure her more than you are going to want to or you think should be warranted. She has an emotional wound there that she didn't put there. BUT you also have to keep in mind you didn't cause her pain, you can't control it and you cant cure it, but you CAN support her as she wakes up to her own reality.

She needs therapy for that trauma.. keep working in that direction with her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So your friends wives are friends of your ex and in your ex's camp, while your wife is the outsider. Not at all hard to see why she doesn't get on with them, you have this nice little circle of people in your ex's camp and you can't understand why this is a boundary issue? You don't have to cut off your friends but you're going to have to separate yourself from your ex's circle or you're going to be twice divorced. Probably not what you want to hear......I had some of the same crap with my hb and had he continued in his ex's circle we would not be together now. Ask yourself if these people are really friends of your wife and your marriage. I'd bet the answer is no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

His ex is and ex GF not ex W


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jaquen said:


> Hmm, I just turned 35, so not that much younger than you, and not in the under 30 crowd. I'm not sure I buy the whole generational gap argument because you're making us sound like we missed the whole internet development. I had a cell phone as a college junior, with almost all my friends having one before me. I had internet in the 90s as a teenager, Myspace and Facebook in my 20s, and I have actual real life friends I met on the internet. Judging by your post it makes it sound like anyone over 30 basically grew up in the 1950s.
> 
> Lots of people are meeting folks via the internet and many, many of them are much older than us.


The 4 year difference between you and I is actually quite massive in regards to technological use, I promise you.

I have a smartphone, I use facebook, and I also had the internet as far back as 1994, 1995 (CompuServe, lol).

But I kid you not, a gap of 4 years is pretty wide when you're talking about how quickly the world became global.

By no means am I saying that things like meetup and tinder and _insert-name-here_ are solely used by the 20's crowd, but they (and even you) grew up in a much different time then I did, even though it's "only" 4 years.

Myself, and everybody I know who is around my age is completely computer and internet literate. I was at the tail end of the first generation of internet users at 18 or 19 years old. You would have been 13 or 14, which is a vastly different mindset. As in: your mind was still being molded.

Hell, I took keyboarding in high school. On a typewriter. My oldest is in his first year, and they use freakin' tablets as part of every day classes. His entire world is online in one way or another. Kids don't even use the phone part of the cell phone anymore, they just text.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

alexm said:


> The 4 year difference between you and I is actually quite massive in regards to technological use, I promise you.
> 
> I have a smartphone, I use facebook, and I also had the internet as far back as 1994, 1995 (CompuServe, lol).
> 
> ...


Good points. It also helps that I have two younger siblings and I have a large array of friends, many of whom are younger than me.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Cronos1247 said:


> I actually spoke to a counselor yesterday and just need to ask my wife if she would like to go. Last time we got into a big argument related to my son/ex, I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, she told me to go by myself.


I'm not sure counselling is necessary just yet. You two need to sit down and (maturely) discuss the issues that you both have with each other first, and hopefully reach a resolution.

She moved several states over to be with you. You have a son and an ex wife. You have friends and a social circle.

On one hand, she should not expect you to drop all of that and "start fresh" just because she's now with you.

On the other hand, I can see why she'd be upset that she's basically moving right into your ex wife's spot, social life and all.

But... this is what one can generally expect when you get together with someone who has a kid, or kids, from a previous relationship. This is also what one can expect when you're moving a great distance to be with your partner, who is not moving anywhere.

I think both of you are at fault here. You DO need to make concessions and start over to some degree - for her sake.

And she should also be more accepting of your ex wife's role in your life, even if it's just as mother to your child.

She wants a different social circle, then go and find one - with her. You don't have to leave your old friends behind completely, but you do need to find people that the two of you (not just you) can be social with, comfortably.

Right now, I'm guessing, she doesn't feel like she's living HER life. She feels that she's living somebody else's, and it's already built in. She feels like a replacement.

FWIW, though, I don't think she's handling your ex wife all that well. When there's a child involved, the former partner is always going to be there. You put your game face on and accept it, whether you like them or not. My step son's father trumps me in all aspects regarding to them, and I accept that. I have my say, and I do my thing, but ultimately, most things are up to my wife and her ex when it comes to the kids. Not me, and not his current wife.

I'm not a huge fan of his, and my wife knows that, but I smile and nod and maintain a friendly atmosphere.

It's part of being with someone who has kids with somebody else. You suck it up and accept it for what it is, because THAT part of your relationship is not about YOU.


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## Heidi ho (Apr 21, 2017)

Here's an update to this story 2.5 years later for those still following. Wife leaves hubby because he refuses to change, set boundaries, and stand up for her against those bullies he refused to acknowledge. While separated and with divorce in process, hubby knocks up random and tells wife to "go home to CA". Immediately after divorce is finalized, OP and random have a shotgun wedding. Ex wife knows she made the best decision to get the hell out while the two baby mamas pretend to live happily ever after. True story.


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## Dan Moloney (Aug 9, 2016)

could make a movie from the script 
how did you find out Heidi ho


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## Heidi ho (Apr 21, 2017)

Lol he loves forums and isn't the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to unique usernames. I'm new to this but remember back in the day while still together when the first ex was always spying on us and found his initial threads and shared them with others. That's how I even knew he was doing this. I told him to delete them but guess he didn't. Thanks for putting us on blast honey 😂


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## Heidi ho (Apr 21, 2017)

In retrospect, me and OP definitely rushed the relationship. I was young and couldn't handle the dynamics. I was his first gf after they broke up so he didn't manage it well either. I didn't wanna give him an ultimatum but his mother made it worse by choosing sides and I was clearly the outsider. It was me vs the baby mama, MIL, and their circle of friends. Ultimately I told him I didn't wanna put him in this position and it would be easiest if I left the picture, to save us from anymore heartache and headaches! We made the right decision. We were both young enough to start fresh and I think we now found our true social circles.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heidi ho said:


> In retrospect, me and OP definitely rushed the relationship. I was young and couldn't handle the dynamics. I was his first gf after they broke up so he didn't manage it well either. I didn't wanna give him an ultimatum but his mother made it worse by choosing sides and I was clearly the outsider. It was me vs the baby mama, MIL, and their circle of friends. Ultimately I told him I didn't wanna put him in this position and it would be easiest if I left the picture, to save us from anymore heartache and headaches! We made the right decision. We were both young enough to start fresh and I think we now found our true social circles.


So you are the OP's wife? Or the wife he started this thread about?


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## Heidi ho (Apr 21, 2017)

Currently op's ex wife. Can this thread be deleted?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heidi ho said:


> Currently op's ex wife. Can this thread be deleted?



No the thread cannot be deleted.

The thread was long dead. If you did not want it out there, why did you resurrect it? 

You are anonymous here. No one knows who you are.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If you did not want it out there, why did you resurrect it?


I'll take a guess at the answer: "...loves forums and isn't the sharpest tool in the shed..."


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## Heidi ho (Apr 21, 2017)

lol more like didn't know how they worked and am bored. Thought I'd give my two cents on the matter. Dang you guys are quick to judge. Will remember to stay away from now on


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Cronos1247 said:


> Ok, I'm not generally an OVERLY jealous guy to start off. My wife moved here from California two years ago, we have only been married since May of this year and started dating in February 2013.
> 
> We have been having some issues with her getting along with my friends wives and what not, so she decided to join Meetup.com. She text me one day and said she was going out on a Saturday night, to a bar/club with some new in town girls from the website. This really didn't sit well with me because I just don't like the thought of my wife hanging out at a bar with some girls from the internet that she had never met. The weekend comes and she ends up not going.
> 
> ...


I go to a LOT of Meetups. Not a single one of them is about meeting the opposite sex. Meetup is not a singles site, nor do they promote that activity. The focus is on groups, not one-on-one..having said that, there are definitely "speed dating" type Meetups, but there's no place on Meetup for a person to enter "I'm 29, prefer my guys to be muscular and am into shopping."

I'm in Meetups where I get to meet other musicians, other businesss owners, other audio designers, other people who own land and are trying to learn how to maintain it inexpensively, and so on. A large number of Meetups do their meetings at bars because those are comfortable environments for folks who don't know each other all that well to meet and discuss - anything.

However - it's entirely possible that her Meetups do have a singles/hookup element. 

I would say it's a very innocent question for you to ask "Which Meetup groups do you belong to? Would I find them interesting?" Because Meetup is not at all like Tinder or those other hookup apps.


...and of course now I"m the next one adding to a 2014 thread - because TAM listed it is the most recently-active thread!!!!


WMM


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DustyDog said:


> I go to a LOT of Meetups. Not a single one of them is about meeting the opposite sex. Meetup is not a singles site, nor do they promote that activity. The focus is on groups, not one-on-one..having said that, there are definitely "speed dating" type Meetups, but there's no place on Meetup for a person to enter "I'm 29, prefer my guys to be muscular and am into shopping."
> 
> I'm in Meetups where I get to meet other musicians, other businesss owners, other audio designers, other people who own land and are trying to learn how to maintain it inexpensively, and so on. A large number of Meetups do their meetings at bars because those are comfortable environments for folks who don't know each other all that well to meet and discuss - anything.
> 
> ...


I'm in some meetups too. I've also got two that I started. None of them are for the purpose of dating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Heidi ho said:


> lol more like didn't know how they worked and am bored. Thought I'd give my two cents on the matter. Dang you guys are quick to judge. Will remember to stay away from now on


Well, I'm not judging you. We just don't delete threads her on TAM. Plus this is not your thread. You cannot have someone else's thread deleted. We have no idea if you are who you say you are.

Until you posted on this thread, it has been buried since 2014. No would have probably ever read it again. If you want to now how forums work, by posting on a thread, you bring it back to the top page for everyone to read. Now you know.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I love Google. Now I have the OP's full name, job title, employer, and lots of pics that he's posted on the fitness forums! lol


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

trust your gut bro


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

I love it when I start reading a dead thread and it comes back to life at the end. And what an ending. Thanks Heidy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What next? Will she sign up for a site for people of restricted height? For survivors of alien abductions? For commercial airline pilots?

She's not of restricted height? She's not a survivor of an alien abduction? She's not a commercial airline pilot?

Well, so what? She's not a single person and she joined up a site for single people?

She needs to stop being a teenager. Seriously.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

She's a party girl. She met a non party guy while partying. She fell for his muscles, he fell for the fact that a hot chick fell for him. 

He's a possessive freak. She likes to party with the boys.

What could go possibly go wrong?


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## Heidi ho (Apr 21, 2017)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> She's a party girl. She met a non party guy while partying. She fell for his muscles, he fell for the fact that a hot chick fell for him.
> 
> He's a possessive freak. She likes to party with the boys.
> 
> What could go possibly go wrong?


Oh my goodness seriously guys? It wasn't a singles group. It was labeled young professionals. And trust me, if I wanted to hook up, I wouldn't go to a meetup. There are easier ways. I didn't even notice it was previously called singles young professionals. I was honestly trying to make friends with like minded people, networking in a new city. His friends were HS dropouts and all had kids. I couldn't relate.

Anyway, why am I even justifying this now?! Lol his post was out of context and there were various factors that drove me to my actions. And it doesn't matter anymore. In the end, I never cheated on him and divorced him, and am relieved we ended things without major damage. He is now married with two kids to a kardashian Wannabe. If u think I'm a party girl, check her out!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am in several MeetUp groups....walk group, women's business group, wine tasting group, etc. The groups are a mix of people. I met a good lady friend thru the group. There's men in these groups but does not mean your wife is looking for a man or will even welcome their invitation they they try to speak to her. I personally, have not found any men in these groups that caught my eye and I am single.

Have you tried dating your wife again? Sounds like she might be lonely and is wanting to spend time with a special connection.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Sorry to build up sediment on a zombie thread but is there someplace where there is active general discussion about this topic? I assume that many of us (and our spouses) have separate interests that involve social networking and meetups. I don't think that it's wrong to trust a spouse to attend a local event alone or even travel occasionally if it's job-related. OTOH I struggle with one spouse feeling "left out" or another "pushing boundaries" when there is the potential for these events to be enjoyed together if the event is "informal."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

m00nman said:


> Sorry to build up sediment on a zombie thread but is there someplace where there is active general discussion about this topic? I assume that many of us (and our spouses) have separate interests that involve social networking and meetups. I don't think that it's wrong to trust a spouse to attend a local event alone or even travel occasionally if it's job-related. OTOH I struggle with one spouse feeling "left out" or another "pushing boundaries" when there is the potential for these events to be enjoyed together if the event is "informal."


If this is a topic that you want to discuss, why not start your own thread about in the general relationship discussion forum?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Cronos1247 said:


> I have no issues with her doing meetups for things like painting class or cooking, etc. And I even said why does it have to be bars and that kind of thing? She said it's easier to meet people that way.


A bar is only a filter for people who like to go to bars. Ask her who she is hoping to meet and what she hopes to have in common with the people she meets at bars, except that they all go to bars.

If my spouse insisted on going to bars without me, I would tell him that I am going to have to re-evaluate the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm locking this thread because it's confusing people.

The OP's last post on here was on 10-13-2014. He's not coming back. He is in a new relationship now and long gone from TAM.

His ex wife, Heidi ho, has apparently not moved on and resurrected this thread. until she resurrected this thread, it was a long forgotten thread. 

@Heidi ho, if you want to hang out on TAM either start your own thread to discuss your own life and issues, or join in on other threads to help people out.

But this thread is closed.


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