# husband doesnt want me to enjoy....



## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Hi all

I have been married for 6 years and my husband has never satisfied me in bed.

We have sex about 4-5 times a month and when i spoke to husband to do it more often and make me enjoy it as well, his response was " he only gets turned on when I am not enjoying it and thats the way his libido works".

When I asked about reaching a middle ground and trying it afterwards etc, he said that he is sure that if I make him satisfy me, he will lose interest in me a few years down the line and it will not be his fault....I dont know what to do. I am 26 years old and he is certainly not planning on giving me any satisfaction ever....what shall I do? Any help or advice?


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## wifelover (Dec 19, 2012)

It is totally unacceptable for him to write off your sexual satisfaction as irrelevant because it is inconsistent with his libido. Totally unacceptable. Tell him that.


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Wow. Why are you with this guy?

Sounds like he needs some mega counseling if he can only "get off" with a woman who isn't enjoying it. That is really disturbing to me.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Thats what I have done but he views a man's satisfaction more important over a woman's satisfaction...according to him, it goes against his will and it will make him lose interest in me sexually if i insist and make him do something.....


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

BS...
He is very selfish and controlling. If you are not happy with it now and he doesn't plan on changing, how happy and satisfied will you be in 20 years from now?

Tell him that if he doesn't choose to satisfy you, you plan on finding someone that will, as that is what a happy marriage is about...pleasuring and meeting the needs of your partner. He is not holding up to his vows...point that out to him.

You deserve to get your satisfaction out of the marriage, he's getting his.


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## wifelover (Dec 19, 2012)

"e views a man's satisfaction more important over a woman's satisfaction..."

I'm sorry but that is complete bull****. Misogynist bull****. It's also sexually weird. As for losing interest in you sexually, if you are getting nothing out of the sexual relationship that might not be such a huge loss.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

He gave me an hour's worth of lecture on a woman's aim to please her man...told me that this is in human history and positions are for man's pleasure...and according to him, only 3% of the women in the world get that satisfaction....

i thought that maybe he will reconsider it when we do it next time but it didnt....i dont know what to do?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What nationality are you and your husband?


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

I met him when I was 19 and he has been the only one in my life so far.... so whatever he did, I didnt object...now I am at a point where I cant continue without some effort from him and he is clearly not choosing to change his ways....


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

We are both British Indians...


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

If this is his view and doesn't plan on changing, you should go ahead and change...change from being married to divorced.
Then you will discover that there are plenty of other men out there that are ready and willing to ensure your satisfactions are being met.


Read this again...


> I am 26 years old and he is certainly not planning on giving me any satisfaction *ever*


That doesn't sound like much of a satisfying future...


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I certainly don't get it. Does he like to torture small animals too? There is nothing more arousing to me than watching my wife during sex and trying to get her as wound up as humanly possible. I've never been selfish in bed. I can't imagine it's very much fun.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That's odd to me as well.....

Ideally, I would give my wife an orgasm every time before she started to pleasure me and then almost anything is possible. Now if she only wants to give me a BJ or just regular sex quick before bed, I can do that to.....happier a women is in bed happier her man will usually be.

I am born in Canada, but I'm a 2nd generation Prussian and a lot of my relatives are German. European heritage for me.

He needs to be modernized.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Only 3% in the world? Really? Where is he getting that figure? :scratchhead:

Honey, what he has said to you is not just disturbing, but frightening, IMO. It really isn't much of a stretch to think he would view rape as an enjoyable way to get off, as he said he enjoys sex when YOU are not. He is wrong, dear. A REAL man wouldn't be concerned with only HIS satisfaction. If he truly loves you, he would want you to enjoy sex as well.

And I speak from experience... my husband refuses to get his until I have mine... unless I tell him otherwise. Even then, it's a tough sell.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

He doesnt torture me and he is gentle as well....its just that he has never tried to make me enjoy and the things that turn me on, he doesnt like to do them...

Thinking about the rest of my life with him makes me so frustrated... But is this a good reason to get a divorce?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Absolutely...If nothing changes, will you be happy with your marriage?
Sex is a big part of marriage and you aren't getting yours. When you are old and on your death bed, are you going to be happy you remained with someone that refused to *EVER* satisfy you?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

askl said:


> He doesnt torture me and he is gentle as well....its just that he has never tried to make me enjoy and the things that turn me on, he doesnt like to do them...
> 
> Thinking about the rest of my life with him makes me so frustrated... *But is this a good reason to get a divorce?*


Only you can answer that question. Can you live the rest of your life with a man who has no interest in making sure you are sexually satisfied? Whatever your answer to that question, you will know your answer to whether or not it is a good reason to divorce.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> Hi all
> 
> I have been married for 6 years and my husband has never satisfied me in bed.
> 
> ...


Kick him to the curb would be a good start.

Failing that, the next time you two go to have sex, just as he's about ready to stick it in, close your legs and when he gets mad, tell him you "only get turned on when he's am not enjoying it and thats the way your libido works".

You could also try the above method, but involving a blow job. Teeth on skin in that area isn't likely enjoyable for anyone.

Out of curiousity, is your husband an adult yet? Because he doesn't act like one.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

askl said:


> We are both British Indians...


Would a divorce scandalize you or your families? I don't know much about Indian culture, but your husband sounds like he's not Westernized. Is this a traditional thought process for Indian families? Considering that India gave us the infamous "guide book", I can't imagine how he developed this idea.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> Thats what I have done but he views a man's satisfaction more important over a woman's satisfaction...according to him, it goes against his will and *it will make him lose interest in me sexually if i insist and make him do something.....*




Have you considered the possibility this may be a good thing? How you aren't losing interest in him is beyond me.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

we dont have any children yet...

I am a bit time romantic and he has never been like this and I was okay with it...but after revealing how he feels about my pleasure in bed, i dont think i can do it anymore... i cant live the rest of my life knowing that he will never try to satisfy me, infact I think he will grow more selfish when he sees that I havent done anything about it...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

:iagree:


kingsfan said:


> Kick him to the curb would be a good start.
> 
> Failing that, the next time you two go to have sex, just as he's about ready to stick it in, close your legs and when he gets mad, tell him you "only get turned on when he's am not enjoying it and thats the way your libido works".
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

askl said:


> He doesnt torture me and he is gentle as well....its just that he has never tried to make me enjoy and the things that turn me on, he doesnt like to do them...
> 
> Thinking about the rest of my life with him makes me so frustrated... *But is this a good reason to get a divorce?*


One word answer. *YES!*


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Would a divorce scandalize you or your families? I don't know much about Indian culture, but your husband sounds like he's not Westernized. Is this a traditional thought process for Indian families? Considering that India gave us the infamous "guide book", I can't imagine how he developed this idea.


In his opinion, the guide book shows female positions for male satisfaction... divorce is not considered good in our culture but i have a choice to make...make others happy or make myself happy?

we are both converted atheists but i dont think his thinking has changed a lot with regards to gender equality....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> we dont have any children yet...
> 
> I am a bit time romantic and he has never been like this and I was okay with it...but after revealing how he feels about my pleasure in bed, i dont think i can do it anymore... i cant live the rest of my life knowing that he will never try to satisfy me, *infact I think he will grow more selfish when he sees that I havent done anything about it*...


Bingo.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

He surely doesnt consider this as an issue.. he told me clearly that I am making mountains out of molehills, so what can I do? I can compromise if he sees this as an issue and then we can try counseling, but he isnt taking it as an issue at all...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> He surely doesnt consider this as an issue.. he told me clearly that I am making mountains out of molehills, so what can I do?


Leave.

Run away.

Hide.

Tell him he's a selfish prick.

Go find someone who won't treat you like a piece of meat to get off on.

And there are about 100 more things that I didn't list.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Let me tell you very clearly this is not normal at all. I am a 30 year old male and my wife is 42. There is nothing more in this life that I like seeing then my wife receive sexual pleasure from me. 

There are times when I will easily sacrifice my own sexual pleasure for hers. I love to please her orally, with my meat stick, and anyway I can. 

As a human you deserve this attention, there is nothing like it. You deserve a man to take care of you, and you take care of him. It sounds like his mind is very old school where women were not valued.

I am really sorry this is happening, no one deserves this.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

So is this some type of rape fantasy? With the headlines coming out of India regarding rape, is this a cultural attitude? This really sounds strange to me also. What does he think the clitoris is for anyway? Has he heard of Tantra and the Kama Sutra? That is all about pleasing your lover. He needs counseling but good luck with that! I agree with the rest. You have a choice to stay with a selfish lover or find someone else.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

I thought i was being selfish by considering divorce over this matter but after getting all the responses, I feel much better about it... and its not like I am happliy married, there are many other issues as well which I dont want to start off on but this is a major one, given that he has admitted his feelings and he certainly doesnt want to change his ways in bed in the future as well...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, thanks for clarifying some of those things. I'd divorce. If your H refuses to tend to your needs despite your best efforts get him to make changes for the better, then you need to find someone who will want to make you happy because they love you. I don't think your husband loves you.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

askl said:


> He surely doesnt consider this as an issue.. he told me clearly that I am making mountains out of molehills, so what can I do? I can compromise if he sees this as an issue and then we can try counseling, but he isnt taking it as an issue at all...


Show him this thread, see what he says when other men and women are telling you this is not normal. Maybe he will then see he is making a large mistake.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> I thought i was being selfish by considering divorce over this matter but after getting all the responses, I feel much better about it... and its not like I am happliy married, there are many other issues as well which I dont want to start off on but this is a major one, given that he has admitted his feelings and he certainly doesnt want to change his ways in bed in the future as well...


Perhaps something even larger to look at than the fact he has little regard for your sexual happiness is the fact that he is outspoken about it.

It's one thing to be selfish, but to say so to your wife in a matter-of-fact-what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it attitude smacks of disrespect for you as well. It's almost as if he is taunting you with his perceived power over you, as though he can tell you that you will be receiving any sexual pleasure from him if you don't do what he says for you to do. 

Considering the other issues you mention, I imagine this man holds women in general in utter disregard and places little value on a wife beyond that of a sexual servant and a housekeeper. If this is the case, you will have to ask yourself if that's something you want to spend the rest of your life with.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I think this is a situation where faking an orgasm might be a good thing. See how he reacts to that. It's what I would do but, I'm passive/aggressive like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lecturing you for an hour? Your a full grown woman... Not a child. Do not allow him to treat you like a child or a plaything. Your much more then that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

I'm very surprised reading this thread. Even as a man, I don't understand how you can put up with it for 6 years.
I believe it's the husband's "duty" to ensure his wife is satisfied before his turn. I also agree with IndyTM's comment that "Sex is a big part of marriage", I find my wife much more happy now than the early years in our marriage because I know "where to push the buttons" to make her satisfied every time now. 
In the early years of our marriage when I couldn't satisfied her every time, I know that she felt frustrated even though she tried to cover it up sometime, which made me feel very guilty. 
I think you need to make your husband realize that a real man would satisfy his woman before him! Anything else he said would just be poor excuses!


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Perhaps something even larger to look at than the fact he has little regard for your sexual happiness is the fact that he is outspoken about it.
> 
> It's one thing to be selfish, but to say so to your wife in a matter-of-fact-*what-are-you-going-to-do-about-it* attitude smacks of disrespect for you as well. It's almost as if he is taunting you with his perceived power over you, as though he can tell you that you will be receiving any sexual pleasure from him if you don't do what he says for you to do.
> 
> Considering the other issues you mention, I imagine this man holds women in general in utter disregard and places little value on a wife beyond that of a sexual servant and a housekeeper. If this is the case, you will have to ask yourself if that's something you want to spend the rest of your life with.


thats his regard for me....and he has proven it to me soon afterwards that he will not change....(i was silly enough to think that he may try to please me even though he said he wont!)....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> thats his regard for me....and he has proven it to me soon afterwards that he will not change....(i was silly enough to think that he may try to please me even though he said he wont!)....


Then you have your answer. Dump this turkey and go find a man who will make your eyes roll back like a shark.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Gaia said:


> Lecturing you for an hour? Your a full grown woman... Not a child. Do not allow him to treat you like a child or a plaything. Your much more then that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he gave me reasons why i shall not expect him to satisfy me... no excuses...


he told me that if I dont enjoy it, our marriage will still survive and we can still have sex but if he stops enjoying it, our marriage wont survive and we wont be able to have sex at all....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> he told me that ...if he stops enjoying it, our marriage wont survive and we wont be able to have sex at all....


Sounds like a good deal. You should include that as a clause in your divorce papers.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Does watching porn has anything to do with it?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> Does watching porn has anything to do with it?


With his attitude?

I doubt it's a cause for it, the way your husband speaks it sounds more like he was raised this way or he grew up believing it from another source. Porn (depending on what he's watching) certainly could reenforce that mentality though.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Just wondering as he watches porn a lot... Its quite ironic because I always wondered why he doesnt continue to do the things that i liked in bed? and even when i would direct him to do something, he wouldnt... but these words from him still came to me as a big shock... feels like I lost good 6 years of my life on somebody who always wanted his ways in this marriage...


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> With his attitude?
> 
> I doubt it's a cause for it, the way your husband speaks it sounds more like he was raised this way or he grew up believing it from another source. Porn (depending on what he's watching) certainly could reenforce that mentality though.


Sounds like, to me at least this guy has this engrained in him, since he was young. Did you guys grow up with strict parents still living in the "old world"? He has a very old world mentality where woman were not valued at all and men were supreme.

He has no respect for women, that's apparent. But the fact he can even say those things to his wife... that is beyond me. I have a feeling that he may have grown up in a house where this was common place with his own father. Or that no one taught him how to respect women and not treat them like objects.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Pravius said:


> Sounds like, to me at least this guy has this engrained in him, since he was young. Did you guys grow up with strict parents still living in the "old world"? He has a very old world mentality where woman were not valued at all and men were supreme.
> 
> He has no respect for women, that's apparent. But the fact he can even say those things to his wife... that is beyond me. I have a feeling that he may have grown up in a house where this was common place with his own father. Or that no one taught him how to respect women and not treat them like objects.


He was raised in a very strict muslim household... maybe thats a reason...i really dont know... now he believes in Darwinism and has atheist beliefs, shouldnt that change his thinking?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

askl said:


> he gave me reasons why i shall not expect him to satisfy me... no excuses...
> 
> 
> he told me that if I dont enjoy it, our marriage will still survive and we can still have sex but if he stops enjoying it, our marriage wont survive and we wont be able to have sex at all....


His reasons are a load of crap. No your marriage will not survive if you do not enjoy it and you need to show him this. You are worth more then you are being treated. I get that your from a different culture but you and any other woman in your culture allows this treatment by not doing anything but sit there and take it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

askl said:


> I was raised in a very strict muslim household... maybe thats a reason...i really dont know... now he believes in Darwinism and has atheist beliefs, shouldnt that change his thinking?


If he was raised this way and no one taught him any different I don't think it's possible that he can change his thinking, he knows no different. 

It's obviously not an excuse for his behaviour however. Bottom line is, you deserve much better regardless. No one deserves to live their life as a slave to anyone, and at this point you sound like his sex slave and nothing more. Sorry if that's harsh to hear.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> Just wondering as he watches porn a lot... Its quite ironic because I always wondered why he doesnt continue to do the things that i liked in bed? and even when i would direct him to do something, he wouldnt... but these words from him still came to me as a big shock... feels like I lost good 6 years of my life on somebody who always wanted his ways in this marriage...


Better 6 than 60.



askl said:


> I was raised in a very strict muslim household... maybe thats a reason...i really dont know... now he believes in Darwinism and has atheist beliefs, shouldnt that change his thinking?


I honestly don't know, is there any beliefs regarding marital sex for Darwinist and athiests?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

askl said:


> he told me that if I dont enjoy it, our marriage will still survive and we can still have sex but if he stops enjoying it, our marriage wont survive and we wont be able to have sex at all....


Tell him you have stopped enjoying it, and you will not be able to have sex with him unless and until he satisfies you, and that as things stand the marriage won't survive.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Better 6 than 60.
> 
> 
> 
> I honestly don't know, is there any beliefs regarding marital sex for Darwinist and athiests?


Well im with an agnostic/ atheist and he certainly makes sure I get off. If I dont he makes it his mission to get me off. In fact... He takes great pride in getting me off. The OP's hubby has some weird thinking.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yes it is a good reason to divorce him.

Buy him a blow up doll, pack your stuff and get on with your life.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well im with an agnostic/ atheist and he certainly makes sure I get off. If I dont he makes it his mission to get me off. In fact... He takes great pride in getting me off. The OP's hubby has some weird thinking.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So no specific beliefs, just whatever floats your boat and don't cheat?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

askl said:


> He doesnt torture me and he is gentle as well....its just that he has never tried to make me enjoy and the things that turn me on, he doesnt like to do them...
> 
> Thinking about the rest of my life with him makes me so frustrated... But is this a good reason to get a divorce?


Yes.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Tell him that according to Darwin's theories, if the female doesn't enjoy sex, then the sex in the marriage will die out, and therefore the genes of the male partner will end there as well (no kids). If I wasn't having an orgasm when having sex with my partner, my interest in sex would have faded out long long before 6 years. And as a guy, my partner's pleasure is usually what kicks off my own orgasm. She almost always gets hers first, and as many as she likes.

If my daughter was married to someone like your husband, I'd pay for her divorce so quickly it would make his head spin. I'd be very disappointed to hear that she put up with it for so long before taking steps to take care of the issue.

C


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Just thought that a better educated person will know more given that his culture places man in higher position over woman... But surely he still has those thoughts embedded in him...

He has a tendency to turn my rightful demand into a guilt trip and thats what he has done by telling me that if he lose it with me, it will be my fault....how can i expect him to understand my feelings when he is telling me that he know a lot more about sex in marriage than me(his one hour lecture was entirely based on human evolution and how sex evolved over the years)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> So no specific beliefs, just whatever floats your boat and don't cheat?


Pretty much. Of course he can answer that better then I can... Which im sure he will tonight after he gets off work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

He clearly doesnt know jack. In fact if he did then he would realize that if the female isnt interested... Chances for producing offspring diminish. Of course he seems to think its ok to force himself on you.... You need to show him he can not do that. He clearly doesnt know jack about sex or evolution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

askl said:


> he said that he is sure that if I make him satisfy me, he will lose interest in me a few years down the line and it will not be his fault....


Tell him you are sure that you have *already *lost interest in him and that it most definitely is his fault because of his attitude and treatment of you.

Then hand him a copy of "She Comes First" as you kick him out the door.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> Just thought that a better educated person will know more given that his culture places man in higher position over woman... But surely he still has those thoughts embedded in him...
> 
> He has a tendency to turn my rightful demand into a guilt trip and thats what he has done by telling me that if he lose it with me, it will be my fault....how can i expect him to understand my feelings when he is telling me that he know a lot more about sex in marriage than me(his one hour lecture was entirely based on human evolution and how sex evolved over the years)


What does 'if he lose it with me it will be my fault' mean? That sounds like abuse talk.

Also, how has sex evolved so that it's all about the man? Maybe if he figured eveolution stopped millenium ago. Even the Romans and Greeks were into orgies of sorts and both sexes received pleasure. I'm sure in general men have traditionally gotten more out of sex than women in terms of enjoyment, but as a whole women's enjoyment has been valued for a lengthy time as well.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

By the way.... Dont let him blameshift it all on you or guilt trip you. He needs to be held accountable for his part in the destruction of the marriage.... Which he is more at fault then you imo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> What does 'if he lose it with me it will be my fault' mean? That sounds like abuse talk.
> 
> Also, how has sex evolved so that it's all about the man? Maybe if he figured eveolution stopped millenium ago. Even the Romans and Greeks were into orgies of sorts and both sexes received pleasure. I'm sure in general men have traditionally gotten more out of sex than women in terms of enjoyment, but as a whole women's enjoyment has been valued for a lengthy time as well.


Not for my husband perhaps.... he gets what he wants and he has a big load of reasons for everything...I cant reason with him, I know he will make me think that I am placing an unjustified demand on him... maybe this issue is beyond fixing... 

better run away.... and even if it means satisfying myself, I dont mind (Been doing it for years).... will be better than the frustration i get with each time he gets his way with me!


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Gaia said:


> By the way.... Dont let him blameshift it all on you or guilt trip you. He needs to be held accountable for his part in the destruction of the marriage.... Which he is more at fault then you imo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am over him sexually...and he cant blame me for that....he didnt satisfy me once in the last 6 years, he doesnt have a right to blame me....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

:iagree:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

askl said:


> Not for my husband perhaps.... he gets what he wants and he has a big load of reasons for everything...I cant reason with him, I know he will make me think that I am placing an unjustified demand on him... maybe this issue is beyond fixing...
> 
> better run away.... and even if it means satisfying myself, I dont mind (Been doing it for years).... will be better than the frustration i get with each time he gets his way with me!


You need to leave him before you end up pregnant. The last thing you want is to have him teaching your children to think like he does.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

norajane said:


> You need to leave him before you end up pregnant. The last thing you want is to have him teaching your children to think like he does.


He doesnt want kids at the moment so thats a relief....


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hello Askl, *RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! * I'm glad it sounds like you're coming around and will leave this jerk. I don't think ever in my life have I heard such an asinine, selfish, arrogant, pompous, chauvenistic attitude as your husbands. Your desire for satisfaction is making "a mountain out of molehill," but watch out if he's not satisfied - then he'll leave you. His satisfaction is in your dis-satisfaction?? That might be the stupidest thing I ever heard. I think that's a first for this planet. And he's lecturing you about how insignificant a woman's needs are?? Good luck to him finding another sex doormat to stick his d*ck into. 

I wouldn't be divorcing him because he doesn't satisfy me sexually, I'd be divorcing him because he's the most selfish person I know. How dare he say that you're needs don't count. 

I don't know how you lasted for 6 years. Yes - you wasted six years but you are still very young. Lots of people date for 6 years then move on. Consider yourself lucky. There is no doubt at all that your husband does not deserve you. One day, years and decades from now, when you find someone who treats you with respect, kindness, and love, you will thank your lucky stars you left this major loser.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

askl said:


> He doesnt torture me and he is gentle as well....its just that he has never tried to make me enjoy and the things that turn me on, he doesnt like to do them...
> 
> Thinking about the rest of my life with him makes me so frustrated... But is this a good reason to get a divorce?


Yes it is!

You are 26. 

Save your babies for someone that loves you. 

How could anyone be so selfish?

Get the hell out of there.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes it is. He sounds like a complete a-hole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I certainly don't have an issue with divorce in your case. But, I want to offer an alternative.

Right now, he's actively trying to ruin your experience in the marriage. So you would be perfectly within your rights to return the favor. He refuses to cater to your needs, so refuse to cater to his.

Withhold sex. Stop cooking/cleaning for him. Get dolled up and hit the town without him. It's possible that you can bring him around to the attitude that he needs to meet your needs in order for you to meet his. Ideally, he would meet your needs out of love. But if he needs different motivation, that could work.

You live in Britain, where the divorce laws aren't particularly favorable to men. So, if he loses interest in you and wants out of the marriage, he is free to hand over half of his assets (or perhaps a bit more) and try his luck with someone else.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I certainly don't have an issue with divorce in your case. But, I want to offer an alternative.
> 
> Right now, he's actively trying to ruin your experience in the marriage. So you would be perfectly within your rights to return the favor. He refuses to cater to your needs, so refuse to cater to his.
> 
> ...


This sounds like the longest of long shots. Yes, it's an alternative, but from what's been said, not a very good one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I certainly don't have an issue with divorce in your case. But, I want to offer an alternative.
> 
> Right now, he's actively trying to ruin your experience in the marriage. So you would be perfectly within your rights to return the favor. He refuses to cater to your needs, so refuse to cater to his.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I think that would be risky. Her husband has told her that in order for him to feel pleasure, she MUST NOT feel pleasure. Sounds like the kind of unreasonable and sociopathic man that could get very angry and maybe violent if his wife were to deny him or go out for fun without him.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

OP, your husband sounds abusive, and like others have said, you should get out now. I hope you don't let this experience doesn't stop you from finding a man who would put your pleasure above his own. There are plenty of them out there. Best of luck to you.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I certainly don't have an issue with divorce in your case. But, I want to offer an alternative.
> 
> Right now, he's actively trying to ruin your experience in the marriage. So you would be perfectly within your rights to return the favor. He refuses to cater to your needs, so refuse to cater to his.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply...My H is not the kind of guy who will like this idea and I dont want to raise any flags till I have sorted myself to leave (dont know when, but hopefully soon)...and if I do anything like this, it will just make the situation worse....

like I said in one of the posts, his true thoughts were revealed just a few days ago....there are many other issues in my marriage which are making it hard for me to cope and this one really worked as a deal breaker.... he is very controlling (as you may have noticed from his views!)...so i am not sure how he will react to any of the above scenarios...


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You sound like you are deathly afraid of this man.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

RavenWolf said:


> Wow. Why are you with this guy?
> 
> Sounds like he needs some mega counseling if he can only "get off" with a woman who isn't enjoying it. That is really disturbing to me.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

I am not scared....I just dont want to do anything stupid to make things worse... Besides I think leaving is much better than trying to make him to change... One can only change a person who is willing to listen and consider the other person's view...in my H case, he will bring more logic and reasons to back him up as he always does...what will I do then?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

The crap he spouts is so far from logic and reason its not even funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askl said:


> He doesnt torture me and he is gentle as well....its just that he has never tried to make me enjoy and the things that turn me on, he doesnt like to do them...
> 
> Thinking about the rest of my life with him makes me so frustrated... But is this a good reason to get a divorce?


He is torturing you by having sex with you and refusing to do the things that give you pleasure.

Yes, his refusal to do this is a very good reason for divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askl said:


> He surely doesnt consider this as an issue.. he told me clearly that I am making mountains out of molehills, so what can I do? I can compromise if he sees this as an issue and then we can try counseling, but he isnt taking it as an issue at all...


My husband told me one time that my orgasms were not his responsibility. At first I was very hurt. A few days later I got very angry. The next time he wanted sex I let things get started. Then when he wanted intercourse I told him that his orgasms were not my responsibility. I rolled over and went to sleep. He never said anything stupid like that to me again.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> My husband told me one time that my orgasms were not his responsibility. At first I was very hurt. A few days later I got very angry. The next time he wanted sex I let things get started. Then when he wanted intercourse I told him that his orgasms were not my responsibility. I rolled over and went to sleep. He never said anything stupid like that to me again.


Woot! You go Ele!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askl said:


> He was raised in a very strict muslim household... maybe thats a reason...i really dont know... now he believes in Darwinism and has atheist beliefs, shouldnt that change his thinking?


Islam teaches that sex is marriage should be pleasurable for both spouses. It also teaches that sex is not just for procreation, it's also for pleasure.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jaharthur said:


> This sounds like the longest of long shots. Yes, it's an alternative, but from what's been said, not a very good one.


Divorce is always an option. She doesn't have anything to lose by trying to change his attitude. If he refuses to change, she can divorce him in a few months. Hell, she can be working with a divorce attorney while she's trying to change him. If he changes, she can call off the divorce. If he doesn't, she can go ahead with it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

norajane said:


> Honestly, I think that would be risky. Her husband has told her that in order for him to feel pleasure, she MUST NOT feel pleasure. Sounds like the kind of unreasonable and sociopathic man that could get very angry and maybe violent if his wife were to deny him or go out for fun without him.


The OP has said that she isn't afraid of him. I assume she is rational enough to be afraid of a violent sociopath, so I'll assume that he's NOT a violent sociopath. But that's as far as I'm willing to psychoanalyze an anonymous party from a second-hand account.

I understand that women are afraid of men. And I understand that some men are unreasonable. And I certainly think that the man in question is unreasonable. But that doesn't mean that a significant percentage of men, even unreasonable men, are a ticking time bombs just waiting for any excuse to stuff their wives' dismembered corpses into trash bags. In fact, that kind of behavior is exceedingly rare.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I just had a funny thought (not that any of this situation is funny). What if the next time you have sex with him, you just act like you are really enjoying it! Just start moaning and going crazy like it is the best thing you have ever felt in your life.

If he has a problem with it, you can lecture him about how you cannot help the way your body responds, etc, etc.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> My husband told me one time that my orgasms were not his responsibility. At first I was very hurt. A few days later I got very angry. The next time he wanted sex I let things get started. Then when he wanted intercourse I told him that his orgasms were not my responsibility. I rolled over and went to sleep. He never said anything stupid like that to me again.


It sounds like your husband has been reading Athol Kay.
Nice Guy Trap: Her Orgasm Is Not Your Responsibility | Married Man Sex Life

Good for you that you put your rebellious husband in his place. Obviously, your sexual pleasure is solely his responsibility. He probably won't forget the lesson.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

askl said:


> Hi all
> 
> I have been married for 6 years and my husband has never satisfied me in bed.
> 
> ...


I spit my coffee out and didn't bother reading any further. So let me get this straight. 

You have sex approx 1.2x a week. You want it more, want to enjoy it more, and he is against this? 

If so, let me just put this politely. Unless you are in some foreign country where there is a huge disparity in the sexes independence. GET OUT.

First off, a woman 6 years into marriage, asking for more sex, and to do more things to enjoy themselves with their partner is a literal Godsend. 

Second, most men would welcome this attitude in their wife/partner. Period. I can't think of a single immediate man who doesn't feel this way. If he hasn't said it, its because he knows he will get the crap beat out of him and be friendless.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

askl said:


> He was raised in a very strict muslim household... maybe thats a reason...i really dont know... now he believes in Darwinism and has atheist beliefs, shouldnt that change his thinking?


Actually Darwinism SHOULD change his view on women's pleasure if he views sex's main purpose is procreation. 

When a woman orgasms, her cervix 'dips' down to 'scoop' up semen, thereby improving odds that a sperm will make it to a ripened egg.

It sounds like his views are solidified. Odds are he'll never change. Going through life with a partner who doesn't care about your feelings about sex (and probably anything else) along with his worrisome attitude toward women will make for a miserable life. You are very young and childless. You have plenty of time to meet someone who loves you and wants to see you happy in and out of bed.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> It sounds like your husband has been reading Athol Kay.
> Nice Guy Trap: Her Orgasm Is Not Your Responsibility | Married Man Sex Life
> 
> Good for you that you put your rebellious husband in his place. Obviously, your sexual pleasure is solely his responsibility. He probably won't forget the lesson.


That's not what she said.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Your H's attitude sounds identical to that of cultures that practice FGM. FGM does exist in some Muslim populations in India. Does he come from such a background?


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## Roma (Apr 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Islam teaches that sex is marriage should be pleasurable for both spouses. It also teaches that sex is not just for procreation, it's also for pleasure.


EXACTLY! This man's belief's have nothing to do with culture or religion. His beliefs are his own and may come from a weird place. You mentioned that he watches a lot of porn. Does he watch a lot of rape and such. Is it some sort of fantasy. You mentioned he is controlling otherwise. How so by deciding what you wear, where you go? Only asking to get a better picture...Someone suggested you fake an orgasm, I think that is a great idea and note his reaction


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

It's bad enough when your partner is just clueless or bad in bed, but at least you can work with that. 

This, you can't. IF (and this seems a big "if" to me) he is otherwise a solid man (can't imagine how) then demand he get counseling to work through his very serious issues. Don't ask. Tell him you will not continue to live like this, and he has a choice. If he refuses, hit him with divorce papers and don't look back. 

Count yourself lucky you haven't had kids with him. You can make a clean break and start a fulfilling life with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> It sounds like your husband has been reading Athol Kay.
> Nice Guy Trap: Her Orgasm Is Not Your Responsibility | Married Man Sex Life
> 
> Good for you that you put your rebellious husband in his place. Obviously, your sexual pleasure is solely his responsibility. He probably won't forget the lesson.


I suppose I'll need to get into a bit more detail since you decided that I was being unreasonable without having a clue of what was going in our relationship.


Remember that I was replying to a woman whose husband refuses to do anything to give her pleasure during sex. So a reasonable person would most likely get the idea that I was talking about a similar situation.

I am hardly a person who just lays there and expects him to do everything. For example, I love giving BJ's and thus did so almost every time we had sex. My husband decided that he no longer needed to do anything towards giving me pleasure during sex. He was making it all about him and then he made the statement that he would not do anything for me... and to top it off stated that my orgams were not his responsibility.

But by all means, if you think that any women who stands up to a selfish husband is being rebellious and putting him in his place.. and being petty.. then you just go on and keep that nonsense between your ears.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Gaia said:


> The crap he spouts is so far from logic and reason its not even funny.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


its certainly isnt funny.... try talking to somebody who is "ALWAYS" right with a loads of reasons that he can use to back up his argument... its a never ending debate with him and I always give up....


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My husband told me one time that my orgasms were not his responsibility. At first I was very hurt. A few days later I got very angry. The next time he wanted sex I let things get started. Then when he wanted intercourse I told him that his orgasms were not my responsibility. I rolled over and went to sleep. He never said anything stupid like that to me again.


Wish I had the backbone to do something like this... My biggest weakness is I cant make anyone mad and he knows how to turn me to feel bad... If he is pushy, then its my fault that I give in as well.... Maybe we are not suitable for each other!


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> The OP has said that she isn't afraid of him. I assume she is rational enough to be afraid of a violent sociopath, so I'll assume that he's NOT a violent sociopath. But that's as far as I'm willing to psychoanalyze an anonymous party from a second-hand account.
> 
> I understand that women are afraid of men. And I understand that some men are unreasonable. And I certainly think that the man in question is unreasonable. But that doesn't mean that a significant percentage of men, even unreasonable men, are a ticking time bombs just waiting for any excuse to stuff their wives' dismembered corpses into trash bags. In fact, that kind of behavior is exceedingly rare.


You are right, he is not a violent sociopath but I am very certain he is a little narcissistic. He turns every issue into a power struggle... His faults arent his and he doesnt admit that he is wrong (not that I want him to admit it, but he can atleast show a willingness to change a few things).... In the early years of our marriage, he tried to change his ways for me but now he is too comfortable to even bother....ans this drives me crazy...


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Actually Darwinism SHOULD change his view on women's pleasure if he views sex's main purpose is procreation.
> 
> When a woman orgasms, her cervix 'dips' down to 'scoop' up semen, thereby improving odds that a sperm will make it to a ripened egg.
> 
> It sounds like his views are solidified. Odds are he'll never change. Going through life with a partner who doesn't care about your feelings about sex (and probably anything else) along with his worrisome attitude toward women will make for a miserable life. You are very young and childless. You have plenty of time to meet someone who loves you and wants to see you happy in and out of bed.


Thanks...that's what I am considering now... 

Reason for pointing out his beliefs was exactly the same... He is pretending to agree with Darwinism but his deeper beliefs are still old school with man being the veto in the household and a woman's role is to provide for his pleasure... He was always not good in bed but since I didnt know what was in his head, it was bearable....now it isnt... and I only have two choices....

stay with him..i am sure he will never leave me....live like a robot and never get any satisfaction from him... what are the odds of him every changing?

leave and even is it means being alone for a while....i can get through it with my vib......alteast i will have a hope to find someone good down the line....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

askl said:


> Wish I had the backbone to do something like this... My biggest weakness is I cant make anyone mad and he knows how to turn me to feel bad... If he is pushy, then its my fault that I give in as well.... *Maybe* we are not suitable for each other!


Maybe?


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Perhaps I still want to hold on to something..... Hoping maybe he will change if he will know that I am considering separation...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Sometimes spouses do a show a lot of change if they are shown the door. It can be that ultimate kick in the ass they need.

So if you want to give it that chance go ahead. Just be warned that often, it fails.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

Atleast I will be satisfied that I didnt throw it all away without trying to save it one last time.... lets see what happens... I will certainly not let him talk me out of it (hopefully....!)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

askl said:


> Wish I had the backbone to do something like this... My biggest weakness is I cant make anyone mad and he knows how to turn me to feel bad... If he is pushy, then its my fault that I give in as well.... Maybe we are not suitable for each other!


With a man like this, having a backbone might not help as he might not react well to you standing up to him. If he felt he was losing control over you, things could turn very bad in your marriage. Right now he is using verbal rants and perhaps even some verbal abuse to control you. But if that stops working it could escalate to violent behavior. 

My situation with my ex did escalate from just verbal meanness and abuse to him being violent when I kept standing up to him.

You too are not compatible because you think that you have rights as an individual and he thinks that you exist only for his use and pleasure. It’s most likely that the only way you can deal with this and remain sane and not grow into a bitter woman is to leave him.


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## askl (Jan 3, 2013)

I probably need to show some backbone now... it can never be enough and he should know how I have been feeling for the past six years... If he still refuses or reasons with me, then I will tell him know that I dont think I can live like this any longer.... If thats how its gonna be, then so be it...


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Wow... that's all I can say is wow. Now, I didn't slap my stbxw's azz a whole lot, but she didn't ever ask for it. Would make a remark once in a HUGE GREAT while, and mostly not even during... just like.. .walking through walmart. 

I can't for the life of me imagine a man loving a woman... I mean REALLY loving a woman and being this selfish! that's ridiculous! I'm sorry, but it is. 

As was said before, this isn't him just "sucking in bed" this is a very selfish person who gives 2shlts it seems like about you and your feelings and needs! 

I do hope things get better for you, one way or another!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I suppose I'll need to get into a bit more detail since you decided that I was being unreasonable without having a clue of what was going in our relationship.
> 
> 
> Remember that I was replying to a woman whose husband refuses to do anything to give her pleasure during sex. So a reasonable person would most likely get the idea that I was talking about a similar situation.
> ...


Mea culpa. Your original post stated only your husband's statement and your reaction a few days later, which caused him to immediately change his stated position. From that, I assumed that he was a nice guy who in-artfully stated that your orgasms should be a shared burden.


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