# What is normal behavior for opposite sex friends?



## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

My husband was in an emotional affair. He would go out with a coworker for four hour breakfasts. Sometimes he was 6 or 7 hours late coming home from work and i knew he was with this female coworker for the majority of that time. When I asked to meet this woman and go along he said "no way." Obviously that is very inappropriate. What would be appropriate? If he had had breakfast (he works graveyard) with a coworker and it was an hour to an hour and a half once a week I wouldn't have been upset. If he invited me along and let me meet this woman I wouldn't be upset. The coworker he was meeting with was a pretty blonde. He has another female friend who weighs 300 pounds and he couldn't wait to introduce me to her and we all went out together. I am very suspicious of friends that I am not allowed to meet. I think opposite sex friends need to be friends of the marriage. I don't want to tell him he can never have female friends, but I don't want a repeat of what I went through with his ea. What are some guidelines to give him?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Making one on one plans = a date

Your husband is dating his coworker.
He probably has told her things you wouldn't be comfortable telling her yourself and that is why he doesn't want you to meet her.

Given the length of these dates and frequency, it wouldn't surprise me or anybody on this forum if more than breakfast was involved.

Is he running to the shower before approaching you after these dates?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Is he still meeting this friend and still in the EA you mentioned or has that ended? Are you worried about current behavior or worried about future repeat occurrences? Has he shown any remorse for being in an EA or even acknowledged that it happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

The ea is over. I am just worried about it happening again. What type of behavior is appropriate for opposite sex friends?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That is going to vary depending on the person. For someone who is weak and has no moral code/boundaries then any contact with the OS is risky. For him I'd say no time with an OS friend one on one is acceptable. Once a cheater...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

No one on one time. You know that is the only way your going to feel safe.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Spending time with anyone of the opposite sex is a no no. If he works with them, as most people do, then, work matter takes place during work time. He should not have breakfast, lunch, snack or dinner with a coworker, unless, people from their department are going or meeting clients. 

My personal guideline: 

You don't spent time with anyone outside of work.

You don't offer to fix or do anything for any so call friends.

All female friends are friends of the marriage.

You don't talk of our marriage, children or finances with anyone. Expect in quick convos, how are the kids, how is your wife

You don't put yourself in a situation that creates intimacy with anyone.

You don't put yourself in a situation to be accused of any inappropriate behavior.

My husband would expect the same of me. Spending time with someone who is not your spouse is just not done.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How do you know the "EA is over? Have you checked his phone, email, social media? What he was doing should NOT be tolerated. If that didn't go PA I would be surprised and I'm sure if it didn't it wasn't from lack of trying. 

You need to firmly let him know that this type of disrespect will not be tolerated. I recommend that you work on yourself. Exercise and up your look. It'll make you feel good about yourself and get his attention. A little dread can get him to reassess is his actions.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

helenbean said:


> What are some guidelines to give him?


You can't give him any guidelines. Well, you can but he doesn't have to abide by them. It's better to give him your boundaries. Don't give any boundaries you don't feel you are strong enough to enforce. 

It honestly *appears *that he is having some type of affair with this woman. Think about what you are prepared to do if he insists on disrespecting you with inappropriate relationships with women. That's the important question.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

helenbean said:


> I think opposite sex friends need to be friends of the marriage. I don't want to tell him he can never have female friends, but I don't want a repeat of what I went through with his ea. What are some guidelines to give him?


 Many marriages have marriage boundaries that exclude opposite sex friends (OSF). Those marriages that do allow for OSF, commonly have a boundary that require that an OSF be a friend of the marriage. Also, in taking back a spouse that has already had an affair, special limits on OSF is also often applied. Based on his cheating history, you should tell him straight out that "he can never have female friends" like he did before he cheated, and that any female friends must either be a friend of the marriage, or no longer a friend of his.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> You don't talk of our marriage, children or finances with anyone. Expect in quick convos, how are the kids, how is your wife



These two statements about the children/kids seem to conflict. I'm not sure the kids are a bad topic, unless you meant excessively negative discussion or sharing secrets about them?

Kids are a big part of your life, and people love to either brag about their sports or scholastic achievements or commiserate about the difficulties of raising teenagers, etc.

I guess a good rule of thumb has always been, if you were told your meeting with an opposite sex friend had been recorded on video, would you be ok with showing it to your spouse? if not, there's a problem.


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

I know the affair has ended because hubby comes straight home from work now. He even comes home on his lunch break. He called this woman his "ex-friend" and ndoesn't work with her any more. Also his attitude towards me is back to normal.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

helenbean said:


> The ea is over. I am just worried about it happening again. What type of behavior is appropriate for opposite sex friends?


Here is the thing, your H has already proven he is not to be trusted. There is not more one on one with opposite sex. That ship sailed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

helenbean said:


> I know the affair has ended because hubby comes straight home from work now. He even comes home on his lunch break. He called this woman his "ex-friend" and ndoesn't work with her any more. Also his attitude towards me is back to normal.


As it should be. I really to not understand people who wish to go out with their coworkers after work. I see my coworkers all day. At 5 I'm ready to go on my way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In your case, an OSF has to be friends with you and your husband as a couple. He can never have a female friend that isn't your friend and he can never spend time with a female friend without you.

I believe he had sex with the woman in question. Unless you have ironclad proof he didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> In your case, an OSF has to be friends with you and your husband as a couple. He can never have a female friend that isn't your friend and he can never spend time with a female friend without you.
> 
> I believe he had sex with the woman in question. Unless you have ironclad proof he didn't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More than likely. 4-5 hours after work doing what? Long time for coffee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> More than likely. 4-5 hours after work doing what? Long time for coffee.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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