# Outing Ex Cheater Mother's Affair. Questions.



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Hello,

My ex fiance's mother is married and cheating. I believe that my ex has learned this behavior from her mother. The mother cheats on her stepfather and he doesn't know at all. I never told him but never left myself alone with him because I was always afraid I would spill the beans.

Well it's all over now and I went NO CONTACT with her even changing my phone numbers etc. I work at the same company as her father and her...which is super difficult....

I'm thinking about quitting my job as my mother has offered me $1500 a month for 1 year to get things sorted emotionally...and i just need a break from life anyway....i'm spent.....

So...Her mother is getting wild on facebook with her daughters defense of her ways....calling it 'gods will'....'destiny' and posting alot of crap in defense of her daughter instead of having some shame about it.....when a woman cheats....from my personal experience here....boy...some people just won't call a spade a spade....and owning up is not in the cards....her mom is like the sideline quarterback.....

So since her mother is a serial cheater by my estimation...and my ex confided in me about her mothers affairs....should i contact this man....and just let it fly....

I mean the convo would be like....hey man...being last to know sucks...and i never was alone with you because i was afraid i would tell....and i know what it's like to be demonized....but your wife is cheating on you and staying with you because she thinks life will be easier if she just does that.....she has alot of good excuses that she shares with her daughters... but they feel really crappy about it...but they won't tell you because your their stepfather...and their allegence is to their mother....

now you might think i'm telling you know because i'm all sour grapes...and think that if you must....but to be honest...i'm just clearing my head.....and even though they didn't say it....your parents are in ill health....you if you recieve any inheritance...you might want to consider your wifes actions now so you have time to make some plans.....

anyway: HAS ANYONE HERE BEEN THE ONE TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT AN AFFAIR?

how does this go down....this this just some crap move on my part....like going away flipping the finger? To be honest her mother is out of control for her justifications of her daughters behavior....and sets an aweful example....i mean 2 alky fathers...1 stillborn...and one child disabled totally.....and she is quick to just think this cheating is part of life....i mean so is murder...but come on.....

I think that she should learn about some consequence from this...but i'm not sure 100% if he already knows....but according to my ex...he does not....also she told me if I ever told she would 'kill me'.....as i'm sure it would break the trust between her mother and her.....

what should i do? how should i do it? It's been 5 months now...is this too late to come back and drop a bomb....i'm devestated still over this....my life was ruined.....she cost me a small fortune....all of the financial moves i made because of trusting in her.....anyway..thank you for your answers


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Walk away and work on getting your life in order. Get yourself straight


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I think a private message should do the trick, but you have to make sure he gets it. No way for him to contact you back, no way for you to get sucked back into the drama. And you have to control yourself to not check back, this isn't really about you, this is about helping another dude get a shot at the truth.

It is a very gray topic though, a lot of people would just not expose.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think he has the right to know. There are 2 issues which you should consider. First, how to not appear like some lunatic out for revenge on his ex's family. Second, what kind of hard proof can you provide? Do you have pictures, emails, videos?

What kind of relationship do you have with him, and what kind of relationship does he have with his step daughter? These are big factors in how he will receive your information.

I would try to anonymously deliver him rock solid proof. Enough for him to make an informed decision on how to proceed. It might even be worth giving him some links to spytech such as keyloggers and VARs if you think he might benefit.

If all you have is hearsay it is very problematic. What if it is not true? You must be very accurate in what you tell him. "Your wife is telling people she is banging Joe in finance" is a lot different than you declaring she is banging Joe.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

My relationship was great...they for 100% know that I have integrity and come from a family of integrity....I don't have hard proof...except for the fact my ex made me swear in blood to never say anything...she said it really bothered her....in fact she said she feared she would turn into her mom....my ex will feel guilty as hell if she approached about consealing this....the mom will go bananas.....according to my ex....when I later told her I refrained from spilling the beans even though I was so angry.....she told me that it would only hurt him by knowing.....which I cannot understand....only hurt him?

I have gone no contact now for 2 weeks....I want to quit my job where ex her father and I both work....after I quit....I want to contact this guy....and tell him....I'm an all star at work....and was going to write the company president a real amazing letter as well as the father (her step is the one getting cheated on)...thanking them for tjr opportunity to serve their company....so at that time I will have no remaining ties to her at all....

Then I plan to let the step father know....he knows what she did was wrong...he gave me small lecture about how when a woman cheats its so disrespectful...and way different...also he said if his wife was doing it he would be devestated..and that she never would and they are best friends....I mean I have his words entrained into my head....the funny thing...is evidently he knew that his step daughter was cheating on me...and so did other of their family members...

I'm telling him for him...so he can know...but also for myself too...to clear my head...I was just going to do it as honor among men type of approach...and it was really hard for me to see him each time in the past as his wife was stepping out....I'm freaking honest man...dishonesty doesn't set well...

He was closer with his son in law...they bonded more than him and I...but he should know that everyone knows except him.....also when I dropped the stuff off at ex house...I told him I would contact him back to give rest of things and coordinate...and I just dropped in storage locker...and never contacted him back....my ex says he was upset I didn't call him or contact him back...I guess he was ttrying to befriend me in this time....well I'm going back...to let him know...that I didn't contact him because I was gonna tell...and that would have caused my ex real hardship coming back her moms....but now my ex is all on her feet...with new man...new condo etc.....I think the time is right for him to know....

Call me sour grapes if you will...ill tell him I don't care really...but the truth was I did always feel for this man....as he had taken on 4 children....and a wife who behaves like a stray animal.....he lives with his mother in law as well....his ailing parents estate may be his only chance to escape...or make some real decisions that could affect the duration of his life....and actually if I had of known about my ex...I wouldn't have made some money decisions that crushed me...he know that...so I'm gonna tell him he has a right to know


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

And you care about this WHY? Do not board the CRAZY TRAIN! Start a new life and sin no more.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

DavidWYoung said:


> And you care about this WHY? Do not board the CRAZY TRAIN! Start a new life and sin no more.


Thats a good question...guy has the right to know...wish someone would have told me...also his wife is getting real loud and self righteous....i deleted fb...so im goin 100 percent ghost...i dont want to regret never telling him...and my ex could learn a nice lesson abouttrust and confidence....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

There is your answer. I wish someone had told me. You need to tell him for his sake.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Won't they disregard your accusations as ranting from a jaded ex?

It would be more believable if you had tangible proof rather than hearsay. And perhaps the guy is fine with the lifestyle and cheating himself - they seem to be 'that type' of family. 

Perhaps you can arrange to send an anonymous email with FACTS if you have facts rather than hearsay. Otherwise let it go.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

he should be told.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Won't they disregard your accusations as ranting from a jaded ex?
> 
> It would be more believable if you had tangible proof rather than hearsay. And perhaps the guy is fine with the lifestyle and cheating himself - they seem to be 'that type' of family.
> 
> Perhaps you can arrange to send an anonymous email with FACTS if you have facts rather than hearsay. Otherwise let it go.


Actually you may have a point here.

I had a simple idea. To setup fake email and to send a text to the effect asking the question first:

Is infidelity an acceptable arrangement with your wife? (Y/N) please respond.

if he answers N....then i'll blow the whistle...if he answers Y then i guess he knows and they are open about it....

but anyway...my ex swears he doesn't know...and it would be crushing to him to know.....her mother is the focal point of the family in all regards....she is about to be on marriage #3 and is full of all wise and sage advice for her daughters....and is openly staying out of convenience. because 'life is would be easier if she just stayed'....

anyway my point here is this...this woman was jaded towards men in general....she is full of blame and self righteousness....all of her 'remove toxic people' from your life type stuff she parades after learning of her daughters affair/cheating on me...instead of having some humility....pisses me off frankly...and she has a dozen reasons why she cheats on him according to my ex...and they are all justified....well i frankly don't think lying and cheating is justified under any reason...its crushing really to say the least....

telling for me would be like lighting the whole bridge on fire....like ok lady...i gave you a couple months to formulate your story...how your going to spin your daughters crap behavior....and you speak of gods will...destiny...and a whole bunch of other self righteous crap throwing all of your stones instead of having some humility.....yeah....your daughters have allegence to you...they suckle on your every word......but......how about these apples?

I mean the preacher may preach about theft...but if he's got his hand in the till....maybe he should not make that sermon...or the sermon should be about 'humility'.....and not throwing stones....

All I'm saying is that 'my daughters is following her heart' and it's 'destiny' crap that mom preaches while my ex left me in the night and sold her soul for a man 2x her age....is a hot pile of steaming manuer......and on top of that...mom is staying in a marriage of convienence....behind closed doors and with her influence i'm sure she was like 'money is important'...and spoke about ease of life with her daughter.....well i fell on some rough times...and bam...she's gone....

her mom egged her on to do what she did...she led by example...mostly in the general acceptance that this type of lying cheating behavior is justified.....

for me....i think its about closure....i mean the stepfather must see his stepdaughter dating a man 2x her age who is loaded to the gills...and being like WTF.....he knows i was a good man...and honest...that i know he knows....

i mean to tell him that his stepdaughter is taking from moms playbook...and tell him some things he doesn't know....and to let him know it's dog eat dog around there...and mom is out for herself....her comfort is first priority.....and she is using/staying/sleeping with other men....and he should be aware.....like man to man.....i don't care if you believe me...

but 10 years down the road man...you'll look back...and be like...wow..that guy was solid....

how solid will i feel to keep this crap inside me? how solid will i feel to not tell this man? would i feel stupid if he was like....well we have this agreement to just do whatever we want.....probably....and that is why i was going to send anon message asking if they are open about infidelity in their relationship.....i guess some couples are...

but it's my understanding....he would be crushed....my ex and her mom would never have the same trust level....her mom can come off her high horse....and i can sail off into the sunset knowing i did what was right......i can sleep at night knowing....

i don't know..i struggled with this for a while...i kept my mouth shut for the most part i think because i had this hope that my ex would come back....doing this....there is no chance...and on top of that....its probably better to realize this....and this is def a 'i never want to see, hear, or speak' to you again type of situation that i will create....also leaving with a message about integrity, loyalty, and honesty.....

hey...i'm not perfect...but i don't lie, cheat, or steal from people...and it's not cool....that type of crap crushes peoples lives man...and if one of her crap little friends would have been honest with me...about months earlier...i would have saved about 100k....and had a whole lot less pain in my life.....

that's why i want to tell this man....so at least he could avoid it if he wanted....and he could never GET BLINDSIDED.....

thank you for your replies and thoughts....all of this is so helpful...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Unless you can provide concrete proof if you do want to tell him, you probably shouldn't bother.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Perhaps you can arrange to send an anonymous email with FACTS if you have facts rather than hearsay. Otherwise let it go.



also...my high quality reputation precedes me...i have no smoking gun....he knows i'm hurt and that she crushed me financially....

i'm not so sure facts will be so important in this case...in fact when my ex told me of her mothers affairs...mostly i focused not on facts...but on the attitudes towards that type of behavior...alot of questioning and reasoning i sought to understand....i wasn't looking for the other guys birth marks....my ex told me because we had a pact I would not tell...and that her mothers behavior bothered her....so we talked about it.....i wasn't trying to figure out the guys name etc....and if i do talk to him...i'll tell him that....

i was more concerned about the effects her mothers behavior and logic affected my partners outlooks.....i see her mother had alot of propganda that was quite destructive to her psyche...that's all....

once she moved back in with mom....she was thoughly brainwashed.....her mom's man hating ways came full force my way......dude...you can't pull out a shotgun onto someones life and heart...and then start throwing around propaganda.....but people do this....and it's not right.....


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You could, as you suggest, give him the heads up by stating something like:

_"I've heard rumors that your wife is being and has been unfaithful. I've struggled with this moral dilemma. As I personally can't provide evidence the source (your step-daughter) has been heard regaling others with her mom's exploits. I've come to the decision to inform you of this so that you can write it off as drunken rants from your SD or investigate further. As they say - where's there's smoke there's fire. Good luck." _


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Unless you can provide concrete proof if you do want to tell him, you probably shouldn't bother.


really? why is proof so important? is there not something to be said for the quality of person who is alerting you? he knows i was so close with his stepdaughter.....there is no question about that....when i brought everything back to the house of hers...i told him i wasn't a vengeful person....he said he wouldn't have reacted like me...that i remained fairly calm....although he said i thought i was really hyper and anxious...i was talking like 100 miles a minute.....

but why would proof be so important? isn't the quality of who is telling you important? this isn't a court of law....he will see the pain on my face if i told him in person....which i was thinking about doing really.....


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You could, as you suggest, give him the heads up by stating something like:
> 
> _"I've heard rumors that your wife is being and has been unfaithful. I've struggled with this moral dilemma. As I personally can't provide evidence the source (your step-daughter) has been heard regaling others with her mom's exploits. I've come to the decision to inform you of this so that you can write it off as drunken rants from your SD or investigate further. As they say - where's there's smoke there's fire. Good luck." _


YOU ARE EXCELLENT...i will add this to what i will say finally...this is great information...thank you for posing it like this....the overall gist of this is great....

i was going to maybe remove rumors...and just go along the lines of 'your daughter and I were very close' and that she confided in me about your wifes affairs....it is my feeling that what she told me was genuine concern for you...and that it was confusing to her...as he had love for you...and really wasn't ok with what her mom was doing to you......that she felt bad about it....i know you werent there those days to see the tears in her eyes...but i was.....that has always sat with me....i'm purging myself of this now.....so now you know.....

good/bad?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

imsohurt said:


> good/bad?


IMO it's better if it's anonymous. Set up a fake email. 

And after all you just want to inform him right? Rather than get a measure of 'revenge'? Once you've given him the heads up the ball is in his court and you can bow out. 

However, if he responds to you for further info THEN you can divulge your identity. Otherwise I think he will dismiss your suspicions as an attempt to merely drive a wedge between them.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

imsohurt said:


> really? why is proof so important? is there not something to be said for the quality of person who is alerting you?




Proof or at least *facts* are critically important. Think about the consequences to this man and his family when you open your mouth and words come out. It might lead to a divorce. It might cause him to forever doubt his wife and thus his marriage will be irreparably harmed. Now, _what if his wife has not in fact cheated_?

All you have is hearsay from a _known liar_, your ex.

You must be accurate when you inform him. Also, I would not say anything to him unless you truly in your heart believe his wife has had affairs. Do you totally believe what your ex told you is true, and that it amounts to infidelity? If so, I think it is right to inform the man of the facts. If you have any doubts that what she said is true, or if what she told you is somewhat vague or up for interpretations, you should not say anything.

The truth is you do not know factually this woman has cheated on him. The truth is you _believe_ she did based on certain things your ex told you. So you should only say to him your ex told you x-y-z.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

I had to take an oath of death before my ex revealed her mothers cheating.....i even spoke openly with her sister about it....what she told me was sincere....to the point of tears....there is no doubt in my mind and heart that this is true...

It was an old flame / high school friend that she reconnected with. Her mom was cheating because her needs for affection were not being met....my ex struggled because of her moms deceit to her stepfather....and it was crushing to her really....

The bottom line for me is this. I could never be alone with this man and having any relationship with him was hard for me to do because I felt I was going to let the cat out of the bag....

When i dropped her things off at his house...he told me how crushed he would be to learn his wife was cheating...and that she would never do that.....I didn't say anything at the time....because i didn't know how he would have reacted...and then my ex would have not have a safe place to come home to.....

it's been some months now...and I wish to sever all ties...and don't ever wish to see, speak, or see my ex again.....

he told me 'didn't you know xxxx was not happy and planning to leave you?'.....as evidently my ex had discussed whatever she was going to do with everyone but me....and he was in the circle of people who knew.....

my point to him really....it to let him know that i was making large financial descisions at that time....based on trusting my ex....and it was crushing....

his parents are ailing....he will come upon their inheritance....and i want to tell him.....that I wish he did for me....what I had done for him...in telling.....

believe it or not...i don't care...and i'm deleting all means of contact....and wish him well.....

my head is clean.....and i can leave with a lesson....that triangulation and 3rd party communication is destructive....not directly communicating with someone is destructive....and that I had known of his wifes affairs for most of the duration that I had known him.....

also....his stepdaughters...and son in law.....they all knew....and know.....his wife makes him to be the villian...and i want to let him know i can identify with that.....


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

My general take is that truth should rule over lies of omission. Good luck.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Proof and/or facts are required if you choose to expose, IMO. 

Your stellar reputation will mean nothing. 

You will be viewed as a scorned lover intent on revenge. 

Just my two cents. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

old timer said:


> Your stellar reputation will mean nothing.
> 
> You will be viewed as a scorned lover intent on revenge.


Why should that happen if he chooses to hide his identity?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Why should that happen if he chooses to hide his identity?


It won't. 

OP had previously asked why his honorable reputation couldn't speak for the veracity of his accusations. That is what I was referring to. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Ok...interesting enough....tell me your thoughts on this.....

i know my ex...and her sister...that they lie...but when confronted with lying...they crumble and fold quickly.....

i know that they are dying for him to know...but won't betray their mother....my personal opinion...will be that once he confronts his wife...and his stepkids....he will know right away what I said was true....

They are not accusations really in my book....my ex would not fabricate a story of this nature....and for what benefit would she fabricate that her mother is cheating...and she is torn that this man does not know? I mean that she openly was weeping about this...and I knew about her affairs for almost 2 years.....

When I brought my ex's things back to her stepfathers house.....i particulary spoke about revenge in my speak to him....i told him that I would like to carefully bring the things back to the house while she was at work....and not torch them on the front lawn.....etc...

He contacted me via email about her remaining things.....and i never contacted him back....i put them in a storage unit...and left my ex with the combo key via text.....

my ex later told me that he was upset that i never contacted him back...and the real reason why was because i feared at the time I would drop the bomb on him.....and i was concerned that my ex have a safe place to go after I threw her out of the house.....I told my ex that i didn't contact him back for that very reason....

when i go to speak to him....i'll explain why i didn't contact him back that day....but time has passed....and i have done alot of thinking....and that i wish to burn this bridge throughly....in all regards.....

my ex confided in me about her mother's affairs.....and I think this man has the right to know.....call me sour grapes....call me a scorned lover...whatever....i think it's a mute point...because a very long and reasonable time has passed by my estimation....

my plan was only to contact him via text to ask if the marriage was open and if he was aware of his wifes affairs........if he responds yes....then thats it...done deal.....if he presses for more information....i'll meet him in a public place...and he can look in my eyes and see....

it's not really about spite...it really for me about not knowing....and how that stings......he claimed he thought we were better friends when i didn't respond to his email.....and i can tell him that word has spread to me from my ex......i'll just let him know that a real friend reveals the cold hard truth......bottom line

hey...if it was me man....i'd want to know what information i hold...maybe in their family burying secrets is cool....and living a lie is cool....but to me it's not....and no one told me including my partner about her little escape plan (given to her by her mother's guidance of course)......

shouldn't this man know of his wifes escape plan....timing divorce around his ailing parents....and getting crushed financially....i mean man to man...we know that stings....and my bank account proves it...and i'm sure he knows that i got crushed....losing the house etc....

and why wouldn't an hororable reputation mean anything...i had even done things inside of their family to help them..they know i was a good man....he does for sure...i had even raised money for charity for their child......

my reputation was sullied only by the mother....as she slammed me to justify her daughters ill behavior...that she has learned from her mother.....my ex is serial cheater...and so is her mom....my ex cried on many occassions that her biggest fear was to turn into her mother....when she returned home....she got a good brain washing...and has justified all of her ways.....

these things pass to generations.....this man is about to get hammered...and i know it....it's a heads up....

if his wife denies it....which i don't think will be the case....of course he will have to contend if what i have told him is true....but i don't really care....all i care is that i said what was true...honest...and offered him opportunity to take it or leave it.....

i'm not a women whose looking to cause any drama...he knows that i'm a straight shooter....if his wife denies it...she will of course lump me into the scorned lover category or badmouth more....

but if he confronts the daughters....i don't think they will cover moms tracks any longer.....because they have affection for the man....


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Imsohurt
I think you have a good plan. Your post explaining the sitch in broader terms makes me think the plan is sound. And you are correct, he deserves to know the truth - if he wants to know it-


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

if he wants to know it-

walkonmars wow....

i never thought of that....i guess there are some that want to bury their head in the sand? that hide from truth? that is sick to me really....i guess there are some couples that live like this....

like unspoken marriage of convienence......

i'm not there to judge him if that's the way they have arranged to live...and i guess that some couples do know the other cheats..but never out it...or ruffle feathers...because they don't want to cause a scene....

but this man lives at the house with his mother in law...his wife...and his inheritance may be the only escape route....these women are angry at men...and are plotting his demise....and the daughters know about it....they say that he has been good to them...and they feel terrible....

i don't know....but if you know someone is about to get ran from a cliff.....and people are there plotting to push him off of it....i don't know if he's some crazed wife beater behind closed doors....but with the mother in law there....i doubt it highly....

does he retreat....yes...is he like some romeo reading his wife poetry and talking long walks by the shore.....no....but he doesn't deserve deceit....she lives in fantasy about making her escape...and to me this is quit lazy instead of working on things...but whatever....all i care is that i cleaned my head....and told the man about the cliff he's about to go off of.....if he stays....when he's falling 1000ft to his death his last thoughts could be about if he listened to me or not....

i can sleep at night....and mom can keep up with her name calling and shrew like behavior.....

i never used the word shrew until i read about it here a couple times....that is a good word really....i actually think shrew is closely related to the c word...just classier....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit talking about and do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Quit talking about and do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i'm planning on it bandit...i have to quit my job first...which is part of the plan...see i work at her real fathers company...and my ex is working there as well....

so the plan was....to put in my two weeks....(soon)....when i'm done with that...i will switch all my phone numbers...and delete all email accounts....facebook etc...AND GO 100 GHOST.....

once ghost...and there is no way to contact me...back...then i'm dropping the dime....

they say 'honesty' is a dish best served cold.....so i want to do it smooth like...that's all...


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

imsohurt said:


> they say 'honesty' is a dish best served cold.....so i want to do it smooth like...that's all...


Ummm, no... it's REVENGE that's best served cold. 

Maybe you should reexamine your motive. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

old timer said:


> Ummm, no... it's REVENGE that's best served cold.
> 
> Maybe you should reexamine your motive.
> 
> ...


What's wrong with revenge?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What's wrong with revenge?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing, per se. 

It's OP who maintains he isn't planning exposure out of spite. 

I found a bit of irony in his "misquote", that's all. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm not against telling this man the facts as you have them. I am cautioning you to not say something which is not FACT. The fact is you were told this info about his wife. You have no photos. You did not witness anything first hand.

Thus when you speak to him you must be sure you do not over inflate what you have.

You seem to truly believe his wife cheated with this ex-bf of hers. You describe good reason to believe it due to the way you were informed. Yet it is still only hearsay.

Anonymous or in person? Idk which would be better. In a way the anon would be suspicious given you just broke up and he might wonder if it is you trying to get revenge on her family. And all the going dark stuff would support the conclusion it came from you.

And I would not bother with the cutesy stuff asking him if he would want to know, or if he believes in open marriages, etc. Just tell him what you were told.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Definitely! He needs to know.

I don't know why there is the words of caution here, and even advice against it. The bible of TAM has always said that a betrayed should be told and that if not then the person who holds/witholds the info is morally wrong......and yet..... I am shocked. 

So what if he thinks it is sour grapes! You tell him the info, kindly and caring. He can do what he likes with that info. 

Make sure you give him the top 10 do's and don'ts in investigating and confronting a wayward spouse. 

Course he should know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imsohurt said:


> how does this go down....this this just some crap move on my part....like going away flipping the finger? To be honest her mother is out of control for her justifications of her daughters behavior....and sets an aweful example....i mean 2 alky fathers...*1 stillborn*...*and one child disabled totally*.....and she is quick to just think this cheating is part of life....i mean so is murder...but come on.....


Could you explain how having a stillborn and a disabled child is proof that the mother is out of control?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> You could, as you suggest, give him the heads up by stating something like:
> 
> _"I've heard rumors that your wife is being and has been unfaithful. I've struggled with this moral dilemma. As I personally can't provide evidence the source (your step-daughter) has been heard regaling others with her mom's exploits. I've come to the decision to inform you of this so that you can write it off as drunken rants from your SD or investigate further. As they say - where's there's smoke there's fire. Good luck." _


Yep, if OP has no proof, this is the way to handle it.


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Could you explain how having a stillborn and a disabled child is proof that the mother is out of control?


Well...that is good question...I mean relationally out of control.....bad decision making etc.....having children at a certain age even in perfect health is risky....add lots of alcohol to the mix....and perhaps some prescriptions..not cool....

This is not concrete proof of anything.....but knowing all history with men etc....its not a good scene...

Also I have read your other posts here...and see you are very open with some very personal matters.....I certainly don't mean to be crass or offend and certainly this isn't 100 proof....

Someone may also contract Hiv and have only had 1 sex partner...and they are not out of control sexually.....I think maybe its a risk factor thing that may be used in addition to some supposition....


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, if OP has no proof, this is the way to handle it.


Also thank you for your contribution...as your a senior member here....wow 10k posts....that's a lot of drama you have been involved in


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

imsohurt said:


> Well...that is good question...I mean relationally out of control.....bad decision making etc.....having children at a certain age even in perfect health is risky....add lots of alcohol to the mix....and perhaps some prescriptions..not cool....


How old was she when she had the still born child and the disabled child?

A lot of women good have still born children. I did. A lot of good women have disabled children. I have not thank God. These two things are not proof of her being out of control unless you have concrete knowledge and proof. 

Do you know that she drank alcohol and took drugs that harm fetuses while pregnant. Many persecution drugs do not harm the fetus. And since you are not her doctor and not with her 24/7 you really have no idea what she did while pregnant, do you?

My point is to be careful. When you are talking about someone like your ex's mom, chose what you say carefully. Bringing up things like a still born child and disabled child to prove that she is a low life does two things: 1) It insults others how have experienced these tragedies at no fault of their own 2) It makes you sound like you are just creating drama and coming up with anything you can think of that is negative... even if not her fault.

This is the kind of thing people were talking about when they said you need proof when you talk to your ex’s father about his wife cheating. If you are not careful you will just sound like you are trying to create drama.



imsohurt said:


> This is not concrete proof of anything.....but knowing all history with men etc....its not a good scene...


You know what her daughter told you. I don’t think you know all of the history with men. You speak in hyperbole. You know gossip. And believe me, there are children who lie about their parents.


imsohurt said:


> Also I have read your other posts here...and see you are very open with some very personal matters.....I certainly don't mean to be crass or offend and certainly this isn't 100 proof....


Yes I am open with some very personal matters. Most people here are very open about personal matters. This is an anonymous forum. The beauty of being anonymous is that people can talk openly about things and be concerned that the town gossips will spread the info. 


imsohurt said:


> Someone may also contract Hiv and have only had 1 sex partner...and they are not out of control sexually.....I think maybe its a risk factor thing that may be used in addition to some supposition....


Yep, bad things happen to good people every day. 

I don’t think you need to be embellishing the story about your ex’s mother. All you need to say is that her daughters say that she cheated with an ex-boyfriend. That is enough to let anyone know that she is a problem. 

You sound like a good guy who is caught up in some bad drama. I do encourage you to tell your ex’s father using the words that walkonmars posted. The only think I would that you understand that the guy she cheated with was an ex-boyfriend. 



walkonmars said:


> You could, as you suggest, give him the heads up by stating something like:
> 
> _"I've heard rumors that your wife is being and has been unfaithful. I've struggled with this moral dilemma. As I personally can't provide evidence the source (your step-daughter) has been heard regaling others with her mom's exploits. I've come to the decision to inform you of this so that you can write it off as drunken rants from your SD or investigate further. As they say - where's there's smoke there's fire. Good luck." _


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## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

i respect what you have said. i will examine if I have crossed a line. i will concede that there is a fine line.


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