# I hate my life.



## RavensFan (Jan 27, 2015)

Maybe I'm dense, but I'm just not getting it. This will be long, because I aim to be thorough, so thanks in advance to anyone who sticks to this massive text, offers advice, or asks any questions. I will be more than willing to answer everything as impartially as possible for the sake of getting to the bottom of it.

I've just never had an easy relationship with my wife. We started off going on a date, which went extremely well, and then it was minimal contact for the following weeks. During those weeks, I was surprised to find out that she was seeing someone else, and I swallowed my pride and let it be. Some time shortly after, an opportunity came up at my company, and I relayed that to her since I thought she'd be a good fit, and she wasn't happy at her job then. That's when she came into my life, though I knew exactly why that was. Eventually we'd grow closer, she'd stop seeing the other guy, all the meanwhile that position was filled by someone else. We'd become a relationship after a few months of dating.

The most vital piece of background information on her is that she was previously in a long term relationship that ended badly. After 6 or 7 years of being with her fiance, he leaves her for another woman almost a year to the date in which they were set to be married. This had a huge impact on her, and despite briefly dating someone in between the ex and I, she still couldn't come to terms with how the relationship ended even as our relationship started, and for the first few months afterward. 

One problem that we had early on, was one of her friends that would be very troublesome for us. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am responsible and educated, something this friend had a problem with, since my wife is not. She'd always bend her ear as to why dating someone like me was a high risk/high reward kind of thing, without even knowing me. I always felt like the basis of their friendship was getting drunk and talking about her ex, though I never really outright expressed my annoyance about this friend outright. The friend situation would eventually come to a head twice, once when I grew sick of her feeding my wife intel on her exes EVERY move, and secondly when she managed to actually get to her head enough one weekend and managed to break us up.

That weekend we were broken up would prove vital, because after years and years of dating, break up space was something that I always sucked at, and I really wanted to make it work this time. Space was what I gave. When we'd speak again, she revealed that she had been with someone that past weekend. Naturally, I was crushed, and it took a lot for me to come to terms with that since I've never been in that situation before. After that incident, however, the relationship became a little more distant.

Some time later, we'd experience what was probably one of the better times, in that we were practically inseparable. We'd date, go out, do fun things, the holidays were fun, and it actually seemed like we were really in love. One day, she gets pregnant, and it was officially time to panic. A little about me, I grew up in a single income household where my siblings and I were given everything. I wouldn't exactly call it being spoiled, because we didn't get it all at once, but we had everything it took to be just like everyone in middle class suburbia. It came at a sacrifice that we were well aware of, in that my dad had to travel the entire world, hard at work, just to make sure that we had the best possible upbringing we could possibly have. As a man now, I couldn't have asked for a better role model in that regard, nor could I come up with an excuse to deliver anything less than what I had. She initially decided to keep it, and I scrambled around trying to find a new contract through my job which would supply me with a complete, secondary income. I got it.

This is about the time in which I should disclose that she has (to this present day), a drinking problem. And the drinking never stopped. "One more day" became a few weeks before I knew it, and since we weren't living together, I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that she drank every single day while she was pregnant. A hasty, crazy decision at work quickly turned into an mistake since I was now committed to this new contract, and to make matters worse, we had to make a decision about this pregnancy. The decision she made was to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, and for the life of me, I think I took that entire episode worse than she did. It was pathetic. We were the oldest people at the clinic. I'm pretty sure we were the only ones with jobs. She was the only white woman there. I've never felt so self-aware, so out of place, so ashamed in my entire life. 

I decided not to let it end us, partly because I felt no different being the person that forked over the cash for it, than being the person sitting down on the chair getting the procedure done. Surely, this would be a harsh lesson on the effects of her drinking habit. The doctor would make a prescription, and would not allow intercourse for another 6 weeks. I respected the latter, but I swear, this entire episode would alter the relationship forever. 

Beyond that, it was back to being a little distant, yet there was still effort on her behalf for the following months. We still weren't living together, but I was traveling for work, though I can't complain about her commitment to me while I was away. It was miserable being away from home, but she'd call, we'd video chat, and it was very comfortable being with her during those long stints out of town. Upon coming back after a few projects, we got engaged. However, after that, sometimes I'd be back, not knowing how long I'd be in town for, and she wouldn't receive me on that first night. We'd eventually spend time together, if only for a few hours, but there'd never be any intimacy, or even a moment alone to just spend the rest of our time together. I mean, I've traveled before, and my exes couldn't wait to see me again. It was almost addicting, being gone, and then having the time of my life once I'd get back. That thrill was gone with this one. 

We'd eventually get married legally, while I was under contract, and even then that day felt weirdly disconnected. We came home, and it was like it was some random Tuesday that we'd have gotten into a fight from the Monday before. We didn't even have a romantic night that night or anything. From that point on, it was distance, distance, and even more distance, along with more and more drinking. I put the drinking on her job, since she seemed to be overly stressed with it, to the point where she'd talk in her sleep about how unhappy she was at work. I told her that she had the option of quitting, I'd absorb her financially, if that would reduce how much she was drinking. It didn't work, in fact, her quitting her job only let her start drinking from earlier in the day. Still, no intimacy.

Intimacy, since I've now mentioned it a bunch. I swear. In the past almost year that we've been married, it's been like 8 times total. If that. I've been with all sorts of different people over my entire life, and this is the only time that it's ever been this way with anyone before. If it happens, I can expect a 3 week moratorium while she "heals" because I apparently hurt her. Otherwise, the timing has to be just right. I'm not allowed to ask. If I do, the responses range from "Is that what you want?" to "I'm tired" to "Fine, just take what's yours". I especially don't like the rapey vibe of that last one, so there's never going to be a scenario in which I redeem that voucher. 

I haven't been a saint, either. As a result of all of this frustration, I've become distant. I don't involve myself anymore. I've become verbally abusive. I'll tell her that I'm tired of feeling like I'm in 2nd place in every regard to her life. I wasn't her first choice. Our relationship always seems like it will never reach the importance to her previous relationship in her eyes. I don't get any respect whatsoever, since I'm on married man mode, and she's still trying to act like a local party girl. I've flat out asked her what that one guy had that I didn't, aside for the nerve to take advantage of a woman that gets blacked out drunk like she gets. Things like that. It hurts to say, it hurts to compare, but it's gotten to the point where all I do is single-handily support this household and not even get a wife, not a friend, not even a roommate I can stand out of it. I'm just living with someone, wondering night after night as to what else is out there.

2015 has been a terrible year. It started off with my truck (with my wallet inside) being stolen. Money was spent from that wallet before I ever even realized the truck was stolen. The apartment complex we live at was willing to play ball to our predicament, so agreed not to evict us (they're quick about it here), provided that we pay the late fees on top of rent that we would accrue. On due date, we were given an inconvenient time of 2pm on a weekday to pay up, something I wasn't able to do because I was at work. I called her in regards to paying these people, and she was entirely unhelpful and borderline apathetic. I've always been on time with rent, and we couldn't afford to have an eviction on our records. I've never been evicted before, so I didn't know if I was going to come "home" to my belongings outside, or if we'd be locked out of our own home. I seriously could've threatened to blow up her car, and she wouldn't have budged. It was 1:30pm. How do I get her to move? Her dogs. I told her that if she didn't meet me for the rent money, that I'd make it my life's mission to set her dogs free in Arkansas (we live in Houston). 

That turned out being my second biggest mistake since getting married. After getting home and having an otherwise decent day with her now that the rent had been paid, I used the computer for several hours until I decided to have a cigarette. I noticed that her and the dogs were gone, and I began to panic. I swear, I couldn't rule out that she took a dog for a walk, got assaulted, and begged her kidnapper to allow her to get the second dog so that they could all die together. She's that crazy about her pets. The front door was unlocked, and there was a spilled drink on the ground. I call the police, because all of her stuff was still at home, and I couldn't rule anything out. After they went looking for her, they told me that she left the house because she feared for the safety of her dogs. Like I said earlier, we live in Houston, but I don't even hunt lol. But she took that pinch of an excuse to go to her parents house and stay there for the weekend. 

So here we are now, and she's cooked up a solution with her parents that it's marriage counseling or bust. That I need to compromise. Her complaints are my distance, the arguing, and everything that is purely a product of the fact that what was once a screw up on her behalf, has become a chapter that is bold, highlighted, underlined, and italicized because she won't touch me. Her defense is that she won't do so because I'm mean and distant, yet I didn't become that way until she stopped being intimate with me. Of course, I'd be willing to bet that her parents don't know half her indiscretions to her side of the story (there are more, like her blowing up her exes phone one night and his fiancee called me, or like her ex boyfriend soliciting her for sex on FB), but they must be extremely blind to who she is because of the fact that they're not even aware that she has a drinking problem.

Our problems are many, but I feel like everything she has to complain about me is a_ reaction_ to something about her. Her drinking, she will get BLACK OUT DRUNK, yet she expects me to be ok with her going out in public to drink. She expects me to be OK with her friends, yet they've shown nothing but disrespect toward me during our relationship. If they're not breaking us up, they're soliciting her for sex, getting her drunk before sundown, or literally asking her to be there date for events, like I run a wife for rent service. She expects me to wait for sex, not demand. I have to wait for the unicorn to hop the aurora borealis at 11:11pm on the 29th of February, at which we'll be notified via messenger pigeon for the OK for her to get frisky with me, otherwise, tough luck. 

So here I am, at my parents house, thinking about playing Mario Kart on the SNES after I finish typing this up, realizing that I am now further away from work for tomorrow morning. I really do hate my life.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your wife? Is your wife working now?

You have many problems that you addressed. First, you have friends of hers who are bad influences. Second, she has a problem with drinking. Third, you are not getting intimacy from your wife. Forth, she is a party girl. Fifth....on...and on...

I believe that you are without children. Do not have children with her. She is a very miserable person and doesn't respect you. She puts her friends, who are bad characters, above you.
If you hate your life so much, see a divorce attorney and leave this miserable marriage immediately.

You also need to see a psychologist to get your head straight. 
I believe that you have the "white knight syndrome". You're trying to rescue your wife as the damsel in distress since the beginning of your relationship. Save yourself. You are deserving of a happy and better life.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You don't need to hate your life, friend. You just need to fix it.

Take a deep, deep, breath and refocus for a bit.

So...what do YOU want to do? Do you have any idea on a path forward, regardless of how scary it may seem at the moment?


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## RavensFan (Jan 27, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> How old are you and your wife? Is your wife working now?
> 
> You have many problems that you addressed. First, you have friends of hers who are bad influences. Second, she has a problem with drinking. Third, you are not getting intimacy from your wife. Forth, she is a party girl. Fifth....on...and on...
> 
> ...


I'm 32, and my wife is 31. She is working at the moment, though it's a part time gig that she got back in October of '14. I chose not to disclose that she was working in parts of the story since it would be misleading, considering she's averaging 15 hours a week (if that). Either way, it doesn't sway our household economics in any way, and it's become kind of a waste of gas at this point.

About the white knight thing, that's something some have considered in other forums, but quite frankly, I've become so apathetic that I don't even put forth any effort anymore. Christmas used to be a huge deal, for example. This past Christmas, I went wit the least imaginative present possible, something I easily found on the shelf on December 23rd, when I finally decided that I should go ahead and do something. I do the bare minimum, because the distance has become daunting, and I just don't even try anymore. 

She claims that she "tries", though her version of trying is by showing some sort of devotion by physically being home every night, though there's literally nothing else going on.


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## RavensFan (Jan 27, 2015)

alphaomega said:


> You don't need to hate your life, friend. You just need to fix it.
> 
> Take a deep, deep, breath and refocus for a bit.
> 
> So...what do YOU want to do? Do you have any idea on a path forward, regardless of how scary it may seem at the moment?


I'm just tired of living like this. Like I said earlier, I would travel for work (though that's dried out in recent months), and those little breaks wouldn't work for her. I've spoiled her, that accomplished absolute zero. We used to date big, and I've stopped. 

Truth be told, I've thought about many ways out. I can transfer anywhere in the world for work. I speak 3 languages fluently, so that's really not out of the question. I've thought about abandoning her. I've thought about crushing her in a divorce. I've thought about suicide, often. We don't share a bed, I sleep in the guest bedroom in our apartment, and have done so for the past 5 months now. These ways out aren't threats, they're just ways out to fantasize about.

Everything comes ahead of me. We started watching a movie last week while her cousin stayed with us for the Houston Marathon. Naturally, I tried sitting next to her, and she had no shame in not letting me sit on the same couch with her. She had no problem allowing the dogs to hop on, and lay all over her. They sleep in the same bed, and I just don't have the patience for sleeping with dog fur under my eyelids night after night (though that's honestly not the main reason we don't share a bed).

Viable solutions? I guess that's where my heart kicks in, because if I divorce her, I leave her with few options other than living at her parents house. Her debts are huge, her credit is awful, her work experience isn't exactly well defined, and she doesn't hold and education. Plus, she has her two large dogs, which compel her awesome friends to not allow her to stay at their place. There's always divorce, but unfortunately, I love her just enough to not want to leave her in such a desolate place. I can stay married, but miserable. Counseling isn't going to fix our problems, and it's only a matter of time until I'm accused of seducing the therapist with my charm to create an ally, or something ridiculous like that.

We don't have any mutual friends. Her friends are alcoholics that can't stand the sight of me, and truth be told, I'm ashamed to bring her around my friends. Her sense of humor is minimal, she gets drunk fast, she'll get angry publicly, and recently she's had no problem getting into a verbal argument with me in front of my siblings when they come over. As much as she'll claim to miss a social life (despite that my only rule is no exes), she can be very antisocial and not be involved with anyone that comes over when people do so.

All in all, this has quickly turned into a nightmare, and I just feel like I am too old for problems like these. High school and college were cake walks in comparison to this!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

RavensFan said:


> Viable solutions? I guess that's where my heart kicks in, because if I divorce her, I leave her with few options other than living at her parents house. Her debts are huge, her credit is awful, her work experience isn't exactly well defined, and she doesn't hold and education. Plus, she has her two large dogs, which compel her awesome friends to not allow her to stay at their place. There's always divorce, but unfortunately, I love her just enough to not want to leave her in such a desolate place. I can stay married, but miserable. Counseling isn't going to fix our problems, and it's only a matter of time until I'm accused of seducing the therapist with my charm to create an ally, or something ridiculous like that.


What you have written is the very wall that is going to keep you in this hell.

This will be the hardest thing you ever did, but there must be some sort of change...and you are the one that has to enact it. Otherwise, the situation will just continue to deteriorate as time runs out on your life.

The fact that she has a runaway drinking problem shows that she will never get to a place where she is capable of operating in a healthy marriage. With booze in the picture, she can't even begin to take a look in the mirror and deal with her past as well as her present behavior. Sadly, she is in a far LESS state to grasp marriage...as she can't even manage herself. How will she then be able to be in a relationship??? 

She surrounds herself with enablers. She loves to party with her enablers...and they all, including your wife, treat you like a mean dad who rains on her fun. But truth is, you are being an enabler as well. She is now to able to drink, be jobless and live without responsibility, living off of your dime. And because you don't have a "red line" and have sealed off all options where enough is enough, she has no consequences and lives in her drunken entitlement. Yet, she magically blames you for her misery. And when you have had enough, you explode saying a lot of stuff you regret and then feel guilty and placate her. Sounds like a guilty, absent dad with a spoiled, rebellious teen.

Stop being daddy who feels guilty for setting boundaries. Watch some episodes of Intervention...and get an idea what enabling does to an addict and how disastrous it is to clean up after them without setting boundaries. For fear of what? Losing them? Abandonment? I am sure it is easy to reflect on the good times, but right now you live in a sexless marriage with a woman who disrespects you and drinks all of time, contributing nothing to the marriage and can't even be responsible enough to walk out the door and hand over a rent check. 

Be that man who can make a firm decision now. _I will do this._ If there is a spark of something you want to salvage, fine, but NOT by doing everything while she does nothing. It is ultimatum time. _Quit drinking or you are out, pending trial separation and ultimately divorce if you do not quit. And I mean stop drinking altogether, get sober, get help and and counseling. I will do counseling as well. If you refuse, then we are done here...I will release you to your decision to live life as you desire, but I will not have this in my marriage. This is not what I want for my wife and for my future._


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

First, I sat here reading your post and was giggling several times with your hilarious descriptors. ("I especially don't like the rapey vibe of that last one, so there's never going to be a scenario in which I redeem that voucher.")

Seriously, take suicide off the table. The word needs your humor.

I really think you should do counseling. Your wife will not be able to brush her drinking problem under the rug with a counselor, and you need to start with her alcoholism. Nothing will change apart from that.

You also need to address the pregnancy termination as a couple and the counselor will help with that. Even if it is not affecting her, it is clearly affecting you, and that also is a result of her alcoholism and you have natural resentment about it.

You guys are in a vicious cycle. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't know, but if you want to fix this, counseling is it. Maybe see a man so your wife can't accuse you of seducing the counselor.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

You are both co-dependent and abusive towards each other.
Do yourselves a favour and leave. It may be hard, but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. If she cannot, she will just move on to someone else. Her not being ready to fix herself is nothing you can change. She has to want it for herself.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your not there to save her. Or stop her from drinking. Or fix her. Or be her martyr.

That's all on her.

But staying means you are also enabling her behavior.

Divorce is serious. But sometimes, there's no other way. It doesn't make you a failure. Or less of a person. The abused isn't less of a person for leaving the abuse. Sometimes, that's the only answer.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Address your depression with a counselor. You can start to address the issue with the abortion, also. Read "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beatty. It's for the spouse of an alcoholic. This does not address any of her problems, only yours. 

She needs Alcoholics Anonymous first. 

Doesn't seem like you are ready to make a decision about ending or working on your marriage. Work with a counselor may get you the clarity you need to figure out what you need to do. Please make an appointment today.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Welcome to the forum.



RavensFan said:


> I've just never had an easy relationship with my wife. We started off going on a date, which went extremely well, and then it was minimal contact for the following weeks. During those weeks, I was surprised to find out that she was seeing someone else, and I swallowed my pride and let it be. Some time shortly after, an opportunity came up at my company, and I relayed that to her since I thought she'd be a good fit, and she wasn't happy at her job then. That's when she came into my life, though I knew exactly why that was. Eventually we'd grow closer, she'd stop seeing the other guy, all the meanwhile that position was filled by someone else. We'd become a relationship after a few months of dating.


So you were the fall back guy from the get go.......not good.



RavensFan said:


> The most vital piece of background information on her is that she was previously in a long term relationship that ended badly. After 6 or 7 years of being with her fiance, he leaves her for another woman almost a year to the date in which they were set to be married. This had a huge impact on her, and despite briefly dating someone in between the ex and I, she still couldn't come to terms with how the relationship ended even as our relationship started, and for the first few months afterward.


So she was not ready for ANY relationships yet, but wasn't smart enough to actually do that.

Red flag #2

I can already tell you are really bad at recognizing red flags.....



RavensFan said:


> m that we had early on, was one of her friends that would be very troublesome for us. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am responsible and educated, something this friend had a problem with, since my wife is not. She'd always bend her ear as to why dating someone like me was a high risk/high reward kind of thing, without even knowing me. I always felt like the basis of their friendship was getting drunk and talking about her ex, though I never really outright expressed my annoyance about this friend outright. The friend situation would eventually come to a head twice, once when I grew sick of her feeding my wife intel on her exes EVERY move, and secondly when she managed to actually get to her head enough one weekend and managed to break us up.
> 
> That weekend we were broken up would prove vital, because after years and years of dating, break up space was something that I always sucked at, and I really wanted to make it work this time. Space was what I gave. When we'd speak again, she revealed that she had been with someone that past weekend. Naturally, I was crushed, and it took a lot for me to come to terms with that since I've never been in that situation before. After that incident, however, the relationship became a little more distant.


Knowing people's friends give you a little perspective into who they are. Unhealthy/crappy friends usually = unhealthy/crappy person.

These people seem to co exist.

Ohh yea, Red Flag #3........cheating
Red Flag #4 - lack of ambition/education. Why would you consider someone like that?




RavensFan said:


> Some time later, we'd experience what was probably one of the better times, in that we were practically inseparable. We'd date, go out, do fun things, the holidays were fun, and it actually seemed like we were really in love. One day, she gets pregnant, and it was officially time to panic. A little about me, I grew up in a single income household where my siblings and I were given everything. I wouldn't exactly call it being spoiled, because we didn't get it all at once, but we had everything it took to be just like everyone in middle class suburbia. It came at a sacrifice that we were well aware of, in that my dad had to travel the entire world, hard at work, just to make sure that we had the best possible upbringing we could possibly have. As a man now, I couldn't have asked for a better role model in that regard, nor could I come up with an excuse to deliver anything less than what I had. She initially decided to keep it, and I scrambled around trying to find a new contract through my job which would supply me with a complete, secondary income. I got it.


In time, you will realize how much damage "spoiling kids" does. Mark my words here.



RavensFan said:


> This is about the time in which I should disclose that she has (to this present day), a drinking problem. And the drinking never stopped. "One more day" became a few weeks before I knew it, and since we weren't living together, I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that she drank every single day while she was pregnant. A hasty, crazy decision at work quickly turned into an mistake since I was now committed to this new contract, and to make matters worse, we had to make a decision about this pregnancy. The decision she made was to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy, and for the life of me, I think I took that entire episode worse than she did. It was pathetic. We were the oldest people at the clinic. I'm pretty sure we were the only ones with jobs. She was the only white woman there. I've never felt so self-aware, so out of place, so ashamed in my entire life.


Red flag #5 Alcoholism - you knew this all along too....yet ignored it and kept dating her. Not smart.




RavensFan said:


> I decided not to let it end us, partly because I felt no different being the person that forked over the cash for it, than being the person sitting down on the chair getting the procedure done. Surely, this would be a harsh lesson on the effects of her drinking habit. The doctor would make a prescription, and would not allow intercourse for another 6 weeks. I respected the latter, but I swear, this entire episode would alter the relationship forever.
> 
> Beyond that, it was back to being a little distant, yet there was still effort on her behalf for the following months. We still weren't living together, but I was traveling for work, though I can't complain about her commitment to me while I was away. It was miserable being away from home, but she'd call, we'd video chat, and it was very comfortable being with her during those long stints out of town. Upon coming back after a few projects, we got engaged. However, after that, sometimes I'd be back, not knowing how long I'd be in town for, and she wouldn't receive me on that first night. We'd eventually spend time together, if only for a few hours, but there'd never be any intimacy, or even a moment alone to just spend the rest of our time together. I mean, I've traveled before, and my exes couldn't wait to see me again. It was almost addicting, being gone, and then having the time of my life once I'd get back. That thrill was gone with this one.


Red flag #6 - Long Distance relationship.....this doesn't work



RavensFan said:


> We'd eventually get married legally, while I was under contract, and even then that day felt weirdly disconnected. We came home, and it was like it was some random Tuesday that we'd have gotten into a fight from the Monday before. We didn't even have a romantic night that night or anything. From that point on, it was distance, distance, and even more distance, along with more and more drinking. I put the drinking on her job, since she seemed to be overly stressed with it, to the point where she'd talk in her sleep about how unhappy she was at work. I told her that she had the option of quitting, I'd absorb her financially, if that would reduce how much she was drinking. It didn't work, in fact, her quitting her job only let her start drinking from earlier in the day. Still, no intimacy.


Red Flag #7 and 8 - marrying this person and alcohol effecting her work life





RavensFan said:


> Intimacy, since I've now mentioned it a bunch. I swear. In the past almost year that we've been married, it's been like 8 times total. If that. I've been with all sorts of different people over my entire life, and this is the only time that it's ever been this way with anyone before. If it happens, I can expect a 3 week moratorium while she "heals" because I apparently hurt her. Otherwise, the timing has to be just right. I'm not allowed to ask. If I do, the responses range from "Is that what you want?" to "I'm tired" to "Fine, just take what's yours". I especially don't like the rapey vibe of that last one, so there's never going to be a scenario in which I redeem that voucher.
> 
> I haven't been a saint, either. As a result of all of this frustration, I've become distant. I don't involve myself anymore. I've become verbally abusive. I'll tell her that I'm tired of feeling like I'm in 2nd place in every regard to her life. I wasn't her first choice. Our relationship always seems like it will never reach the importance to her previous relationship in her eyes. I don't get any respect whatsoever, since I'm on married man mode, and she's still trying to act like a local party girl. I've flat out asked her what that one guy had that I didn't, aside for the nerve to take advantage of a woman that gets blacked out drunk like she gets. Things like that. It hurts to say, it hurts to compare, but it's gotten to the point where all I do is single-handily support this household and not even get a wife, not a friend, not even a roommate I can stand out of it. I'm just living with someone, wondering night after night as to what else is out there.
> 
> ...


Ok Red Flag alert is off the charts in your entire post.

Advice #1 - never EVER make any big decisions while in extreme sadness or happiness. Relax.

#2 - accept your wife for who she is. She is an alcoholic, under educated, lack of ambition, cheater and manipulator.

#3 - Divorce her NOW

I sense 0 happiness or "relationship" in the entire post you made. 

What you have is NOT what a relationship/marriage should be. 

Accept that you messed up by missing red flags and continuing relationship with this type of a person and most importantly, LEARN FROM IT ALL!!!

Meanwhile, you let the person in #2 effect you to a point where you want to end your life? Think about that for a second. So you are saying that any ****ty person can make you miserable and commit suicide? 

The issue is WITH YOU, not them. People will do all kinds of crazy **** to you AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW IT....or are too blind to see their BS.

There is SO much for you to learn from this entire relationship.

Think of it as a great beggining, not a great ending. Heck you should be EXTREMELY HAPPY to be ending this worthless relationship (based on what you told us).

RUN, RUN FAST AND NEVER EVER LOOK BACK

And also, you need to adjust your attitude to be more optimistic and happy. Get out there and do some sports/physical activity and eat healthy food........


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

DoF said:


> Ok Red Flag alert is off the charts in your entire post.
> 
> *Advice #1 - never EVER make any big decisions while in extreme sadness or happiness. Relax.*
> 
> ...


I have to agree with this post, even though I only quoted part.

If you do #1 first, you will not do #3 NOW. Get some counseling right away. Get your head straight. Talk to an attorney about your rights and responsibilities. Protect assets. Don't get her pregnant. In fact, sex seems contraindicated. You can get online counseling and it will help.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

> Viable solutions? I guess that's where my heart kicks in, because if I divorce her, I leave her with few options other than living at her parents house. Her debts are huge, her credit is awful, her work experience isn't exactly well defined, and she doesn't hold and education. Plus, she has her two large dogs, which compel her awesome friends to not allow her to stay at their place.


All of the above is not your problem. She did that to herself, just saying....


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

If you think this is all there is to life and you could not be happy...YOU ARE WRONG. You are capable of change my friend, you just have to choose to not live this way anymore. She is an adult and responsible for herself. You are trying to be the protector and she does not want that. OK, fine, stop doing it. Be selfish...yes that's right...be selfish. She has been selfish all along, time for you to do the same and let her go. If you can do it, I promise you, one year from now you will look back and recall those feelings you now feel and shake your head. You won't believe you let yourself get to the point you are at right now. Do it today! Do it now! Choose a different course for your life...we only get one.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> All of the above is not your problem. She did that to herself, just saying....


He has the white knight syndrome.

How in the world do you still feel sorry for this lady is beyond me OP. Leave her debts and other crap she created for herself (and you) WITH her.

And PREY you don't get hit with it in a divorce.

That's exactly why I said divorce too, cause she does not seem like the kind of person that is willing to change or make her life better.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Observer said:


> If you think this is all there is to life and you could not be happy...YOU ARE WRONG. You are capable of change my friend, you just have to choose to not live this way anymore. She is an adult and responsible for herself. You are trying to be the protector and she does not want that. OK, fine, stop doing it. Be selfish...yes that's right...be selfish. She has been selfish all along, time for you to do the same and let her go. If you can do it, I promise you, one year from now you will look back and recall those feelings you now feel and shake your head. You won't believe you let yourself get to the point you are at right now. Do it today! Do it now! Choose a different course for your life...we only get one.


This x100

In about a year or 2 he might actually commit suicide when he thinks back to how stupid he was.

I'm joking of course OP. But you will look back and shake your head and be in disbelief.....ASSUMING you take steps to get away from this lady.


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

- Play Mario Kart
- Look after yourself
- Tell her you're tired of her crap and that she needs to get her act together fast or it's over and you'll file for divorce
- Actually follow through with it

Most importantly of all? Keep reminding yourself that she needs to *try* to make the relationship (and better herself... and generally sort her life out) or there's no point in you even considering how she'll end up.


I'm in a similar-ish situation myself and frankly reading how things have gone between you and your wife is really helping me to make my mind up. For that, I thank you.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Let's sum it up
-You dated a party girl
-You married a party girl (did you expect her to change?) 
-She enjoys her life better without you in it.
-You are suicidal at times.

Hmmm...despite speaking 3 languages- you need some schooling in the hard knocks of life. Consider this your first lesson and leave this woman ASAP before she does more damage to your mood/credit/savings etc..ect...ect...


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Start by seeing a therapist to address why you are willing to live in this situation. 

If you want this marriage to succeed your wife will have to stop drinking for starters. I doubt this will happen but you can lay markers down for her - seek medical help, go to a rehab center, etc. etc. 

I doubt she will do any of these things but at least you can say you tried to get her help. A little hint for you - time is not kind to alcholics. It will only get worse.

But first things first. Start seeing a therapist to get a handle on your life.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I am writing a response partially because over the holidays a good friend committed suicide. He was a great person with lots of friends, 3 kids, but about a year out of a bad divorce. I've struggled to understand what drove him to it, and all I have found so far is that he must have been miserable, and not seen any way out. I think you have a way out and hope you can take it for yourself.

As I read your original post, I thought it should maybe have been titled "I hate my *wife*" instead of "Life" And I think the White Knight thing is applicable.



RavensFan said:


> Viable solutions? I guess that's where my heart kicks in, because if I divorce her, I leave her with few options other than living at her parents house. Her debts are huge, her credit is awful, her work experience isn't exactly well defined, and she doesn't hold and education. Plus, she has her two large dogs, which compel her awesome friends to not allow her to stay at their place. There's always divorce, but unfortunately, I *love* her just enough to not want to leave her in such a desolate place.
> !


I wonder if where you say you love her, you are mistaking common human kindness and empathy for others for love. You don't want to see her (or anyone I suspect) put out in a bad situation, this speaks to a good heart on your part, but as others have said, it is not your job to save her. Perhaps by giving her the clear boundary she lacks, stop drinking or we're done (and have divorce papers actually drawn up) you will help her more than anything else. And if she cannot see the good in what you are trying to do and choses her partying ways, she is obviously not ready to heal herself. In that case, I'd definitely move on as cleanly as you can (and be thankful no kids are involved). 

Everyone deserves a chance to be happy, but you cannot make them take it. Give her the opportunities to have healthy boundaries, and give yourself a clear line you won't let her cross, then if you have to get out, do so with a clear conscience. 

Good luck, and please give yourself permission to move on and be happy.


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