# What is happening... all the red flags HELP!



## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

Hi,
I hate that I’m here, but it’s out of my control and I need help/guidance. Married almost 10 years with 3 young kids. If it weren’t for them and my faith (we are Christians... well one of us still is) not sure I would still be hanging on trying to save this situation. I could write a book on what’s happened over the past 7 months but I’m just going to put the red flags I see and one strange thing related to a porn site.
I’m the husband and believe my wife has strayed but I don’t have solid proof.

red flags:
Changed password to phone and locked me out completely. Always has if facedown and hides what she’s doing if I walk by. We used to have 100% transparency on all devices/email/social media

changed looks... new haircut, makeup style and clothes

haven’t had sex in 3 months and doesn’t even want me to kiss her or hold her hand.... but still says she loves me 🙄

Sometimes her location on her phone “doesn’t work”.... we still agreed to keep location on our phones. I’m guessing she turns it off sometimes

the one that hurts the most is that I found she has been looking at some site called literotica. I can’t even begin to describe how out of character this is for her. I know some here probably don’t see an issue with porn but for her to be doing this is really crazy. Now my first thought was she’s just looking or reading the stories, but when I dug a bit deeper it looks like this place allows people to post their own stuff (live cams and pics). There’s even a forum for meeting people. I’ve been trying to figure out if she has a profile or not. I feel like this could be what would help push me to end this thing. I’ve been trying to find proof of infidelity for a while now and this is the closest I’ve come.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sorry to say it man but your story is like a photocopy of many here. Those red flags are the same as all the cheater stories. She is already deep in it. The new look and phone hiding are classic cheater moves of the ones deep in it.

sorry your here.... but it’s really clear what is happening


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Whatever you do ..... do not open your mouth to her about it!!!! That is how you shoot yourself in the foot. You need to investigate to get your proof.
And believe me.... you will find it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yeah I just can’t seem to stop responding:

Everyone is always in denial until they get that “must have” proof. You will help yourself out greatly to come to terms with the fact that you will soon find out things you may not really want to know ....


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's pretty obvious that your wife is having an affair. I'm going to echo was is said above... Do NOT confront her right now. Do not even give her the slightest hint that you are suspicious or know what's up. I know that it's really, really, REALLY hard to do that but you've got to, for now. 

I confronted my cheating wife too quickly because I couldn't help myself. She told me she only slept with one guy 7 times. Yeah, turns out she was sleeping with two guys for the entirety of our marriage. 

Cheaters lie, all of them. You need to figure out what's really going on (not just the first shred of evidence) before you confront her. Otherwise she will trickle truth and lie her ass off (well, she probably will anyway but you'll know). She going to try to only admit to what you know about, which is why you have to be several steps ahead of her.

Sorry you're here...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

bobert said:


> It's pretty obvious that your wife is having an affair.
> Sorry you're here...


bobert I was one of your biggest critics when you were in the deep pits. Man you sure are hard headed. I’m glad you hung around and you sound worlds better these days.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

I feel like I’ve already blown it and she’s gone deep underground with regards to hiding things. I’m going to drive myself crazy trying to get proof. My fear is that if I don’t get proof and just go for the D I’m going to look like such a bad guy even though deep down I know the reality of the situation. I really just want my old wife back. 😞

I know her phone has all of the answers but she protects that thing like it’s her baby and I don’t have the code anymore.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

No sex with you because in the mind of some cheaters they think it would be cheating on their affair partner. The “I love you’s” are to keep you confused and second guessing....hoping it’ll distract you from the truth. Unfortunately for her, your gut instinct betrayed her ploy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

One of the hardest things the guys always say... they want there old wife back, and then realizing those days are gone.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

If you have the money, a PI will provide quick answers


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> you sound worlds better these days.


That's debatable. But if you were hard on me I honestly don't remember. 



Whatdoido123 said:


> I feel like I’ve already blown it and she’s gone deep underground with regards to hiding things. I’m going to drive myself crazy trying to get proof. My fear is that if I don’t get proof and just go for the D I’m going to look like such a bad guy even though deep down I know the reality of the situation. I really just want my old wife back. 😞
> 
> I know her phone has all of the answers but she protects that thing like it’s her baby and I don’t have the code anymore.


It doesn't seem like she's gone deep underground when she's being this obvious. 

If you're done then you're done. You don't HAVE to get evidence. Who cares what other people may think of you. It's not their life to live. Why do you think people would think poorly of you for leaving?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> If you have the money, a PI will provide quick answers


100% correct !! The people on here who used a PI usually received VERY fast results!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM. I’m so sorry to hear what has brought you here. 

She does indeed seem to be textbook cheating. Here are a couple of approaches.

1. Spy mode. You hire a PI, (or rent a car a follow her yourself). Put voice activated recorders (VAR) where she would most likely talk on the phone. The techy people will be along very soon to give intelligent advice on this, it is not in my wheelhouse.

2. Since it sounds like she already knows you are suspicious of her chea, I would choose a time she would generally be alone with her phone for a bit, and then enter swiftly, and tell her to hand you the phone, unlocked. Tell her if she does not do this, you are filing for divorce. Be ready to do it, because if she doesn’t hand you her phone right then to save your marriage, there is nothing to be saved.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Also, many times once people are cheating, many who have always had “Christian morals” start doing plenty of other things they would have never done before.

Reasoning being...”I’m already going to hell for having an affair, might as well enjoy some porn/drunkenness/drugs etc.”

Its a slippery slope.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Spicy said:


> Also, many times once people are cheating, many who have always had “Christian morals” start doing plenty of other things they would have never done before.
> 
> Reasoning being...”I’m already going to hell for having an affair, might as well enjoy some porn/drunkenness/drugs etc.”
> 
> Its a slippery slope.


In for a penny, in for a pound(ing).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Get a lawyer and file for divorce. You need shock and awe.

If you don't want to do that get a PI.

Stop worrying about being the bad guy, protect your kids. You are the husband lead.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If she is doing all this stuff online, it is unlikely a PI will be of much help. it is best to place VARs or cameras in certain places such as her car, the kitchen etc. Does she work? If she is a stay at home mum, these methods may prove more fruitful. Also have a look at the phone/internet bill.

Accidentally drop her phone down the toilet and say you will buy her a new one (with spy ware on it!)


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother she is deep in A mode. Sorry but you she is. Please seek legal advice for your location you need to know your rights and responsibilities. Also get tested for STDs and STIs, even if she is just doing nude cam shows she can get a STI. 
check out your finances with a fine tooth comb, look for any strange Purchases. 
place a VAR in her car under her seat. Also carry one one you. She is suspicious that you are into her, this could force it underground. My advice is hire a PI, due to the stress that you are under. Stuff the expenses it would help you. 
Take the children for a weekend away without WW. Just to unwind. Try not to confront her until you have what you need. You only need enough to satisfy yourself. Get your ducks in a row now. 
mine day at a time
Buffer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Hi,
> I hate that I’m here, but it’s out of my control and I need help/guidance. Married almost 10 years with 3 young kids. If it weren’t for them and my faith (we are Christians... well one of us still is) not sure I would still be hanging on trying to save this situation. I could write a book on what’s happened over the past 7 months but I’m just going to put the red flags I see and one strange thing related to a porn site.
> I’m the husband and believe my wife has strayed but I don’t have solid proof.
> 
> ...


Literotica is a site where amateur writers have their writing published for free.

She is probably checking out the fantasies of the authors.

This coupled with her lack of interest to you is troubling.

She is either cheating on you or thinking about it.

Create a profile on Literotica using a throwaway email address and check it out.

Use keystroke software to monitor her visits there.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

I


MattMatt said:


> Literotica is a site where amateur writers have their writing published for free.
> 
> She is probably checking out the fantasies of the authors.
> 
> ...


The strange thing about the literotica thing is it happened about 8 times from what I can tell and always around 10:30AM. I think it’s only be accessed from the phone so I don’t know if keystroke sw would help.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> If you have the money, a PI will provide quick answers


Any idea how much a PI usually costs for these types of situations?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

The first thing you need to do is calm down and channel your energy to a constructive mode.
Get pissed. Your wife is your enemy, and needs to be dealt with as such.
You have a couple of different avenues available to you. I think shock and awe is your best bet at this point.
Get a consult with an attorney. See what divorce would look like for you. Either have them draw up the paperwork for you, or get a copy of the paperwork that your jurisdiction uses.
See if you can get into her phone records. Look for patterns. Vet those numbers.
I would put a GPS that plugs into the OBD port into her car, as well as a VAR.
I would put VAR's anywhere that she goes in the house to talk on her phone or install wifi cameras with sound.
Find a non operational phone exactly like hers with a matching case. Make sure it is a real brick. Find a way to swap phones. Find someone who can get you into her phone. Document everything. Put spyware on it. She finds her phone died. Too bad, so sad. Be a good husband and help her. Swap them back. You should have plenty of intel at this point, with the potential to harvest more.
See what other sites she is on. Make dummy accounts and explore. Screenshot what you find.
When she least expects it, tell her you need to have a talk. Ask her how she feels about cheaters? Ask her what she would do if you cheated on her (I'll almost bet she'd divorce you." Tell her you are going to take her advice. Pull out what the attorney prepared or the paperwork and start filling it out in front of her. She will probably be freaking out.
Demand the phone (even though you know what's on it.) Taunt her with your findings. Break her. At this point, you will see if there is anything to save.
If there is an affair partner, call them in front of her. Tell him that you are not going to stand in the way of true love and that they were made for each other. Tell them that she is available immediately to service him and start their life together, all you need to know is where do you need to deliver her and her s**t to? That will probably do in BF. If you have a buddy with a pickup, ask to borrow it that day. Get some nice trash bags for her stuff. Start packing her stuff and loading up the truck.
By now she'll probably be a basket case. However, you are not done yet. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Regardless of how far you need to go with what I just outlined, the world needs to know. Mrs AP, Your parents/family, her parents/family, all your friends, your church, Joe-Bob at the meat counter at the Piggly Wiggly, etc. In other words, she's not "All that," and needs to be knocked off of any and all pedestals she is on, especially yours.
You know her and you know what is best for you. If there is any chance, she needs to have her feet held to the fire and do the hard work to fix her malfunctions and repair the damage. She need IC with a male infidelity specialist of your choice (select 2, she picks one) with regular updates (Continued post #25)


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Does your wife work outside the home?

Does your wife have any un accounted for time to meet someone?

PI's cost $400-500 a day but you can target a day when it's most likely she has time to meet someone.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Do you have access to the phone bill? It should show numbers called and texts.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's secretive behavior and time on literotica is a big fail. She created your suspicion - and she now has the burden of proof to show she's not cheating (including turning over her phone).

Consider confiscating the phone and informing (bluff) her that you are taking it to a professional who can recover her deleted and undeleted texts and email history. Although she will immediately scream at you .... tell her she can confess now and you'll work it out together - or you'll uncover the truth the hard way and divorce her. And give her no time to think about it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Continuation of #22: (technical problems with posting)

with regular updates from him. You need this book:








How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair


As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Linda J. MacDonald has identified behaviors and attitudes that determine unfaithful p...



www.goodreads.com




It is her new "Bible." She needs to follow it to the letter. it is the minimum you will accept. You also need to demand a postnup, favorable to you. If she refuses to comply, go ahead and file.
You need to read this book. Here is a PDF of it for you:








Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy : Robert Glover : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Self Help



archive.org


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Any idea how much a PI usually costs for these types of situations?





Robert22205 said:


> PI's cost $400-500 a day but you can target a day when it's most likely she has time to meet someone.


I haven't used one personally, but from the threads here, rarely is a betrayed spouse disappointed by the PI.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If you are unable to find proof otherwise, the next step would be to demand to see her phone, as follows:

"Given you are withholding sex, going on a sex site and being suddenly secretive with your phone, I am under the assumption you are either having an affair or have turned into a prostitute. If you would like to prove your innocence, hand me your phone and tell me your password to open it."

Then if she refuses, or calls you controlling, or opens the phone herself and presses a bunch of other buttons before handing it to you, then you know she's cheating and you can file for D.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Whatdoido123 said:


> I feel like I’ve already blown it and she’s gone deep underground with regards to hiding things. I’m going to drive myself crazy trying to get proof. My fear is that if I don’t get proof and just go for the D I’m going to look like such a bad guy even though deep down I know the reality of the situation. I really just want my old wife back. 😞
> 
> I know her phone has all of the answers but she protects that thing like it’s her baby and I don’t have the code anymore.


Take her damn phone when she is asleep. Hide it until you can find a techie to crack it. You are in a battle for your marriage. Chances are in my opinion once you take her phone and let her know it will be scanned she will confess. Do not be timid. Be bold sir.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Whatdoido123 said:


> I feel like I’ve already blown it and she’s gone deep underground with regards to hiding things. I’m going to drive myself crazy trying to get proof. My fear is that if I don’t get proof and just go for the D I’m going to look like such a bad guy even though deep down I know the reality of the situation. I really just want my old wife back.
> 
> I know her phone has all of the answers but she protects that thing like it’s her baby and I don’t have the code anymore.


Why do you need proof of her affair?

She is already being a ****ty enough wife for you to send her on her way. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Sorry. There is a 0% chance she's NOT cheating. 
The list of red flags you gave is directly from the cheater's behavior handbook. 
Every one of those is a classic behavior shift. Just one or two should arouse serious suspicion.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whatdoido123 said:


> I
> 
> 
> The strange thing about the literotica thing is it happened about 8 times from what I can tell and always around 10:30AM. I think it’s only be accessed from the phone so I don’t know if keystroke sw would help.


Might that be due to when the site publishes new uploads?

It might be worth using incognito mode to check the site out? See if she has an account?


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Might that be due to when the site publishes new uploads?
> 
> It might be worth using incognito mode to check the site out? See if she has an account?


I’ve been trying to do that but the site is overwhelming and I don’t really want to be on it.

i like the idea of forcing her to hand over her phone and if she doesnt file the D.

Another aspect of this is we built a new house recently but haven’t moved in. All my dreams for my family are falling apart before my eyes. If we D there’s no way either of us could afford to live here on our own after paying for divorce, child support and alimony. If there is another man I could not handle him living here with my family in the house we built together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Whatdoido123 Of course it could just be what she sees as a harmless diversion, just reading some silly, smutty stories?

You could try this. Say you read something about how couples impacted by the Coronavirus lockdown are finding that erotic story sites are helping them to rekindle their romantic lives. Ask her if she has any recommendations for any erotic story sites?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Any idea how much a PI usually costs for these types of situations?


Cheaper than a divorce. You have to call them up and ask the price.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You are getting good advice... But look, you are being too passive about all of this. I know that you are in shock but you have to get your head together.

Sell the house, file for divorce, hire a pi and not in that order. 

Now is the time for strength and courage... Don't worry about upsetting your lying cheating wife. She is screwing another dude, at least one.

When you ask for her phone, if she does not give it to you that second, then hand her the divorce papers...

You have to wake up and be a man, not a scared kid. You need to start thinking, clearly...


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Whatdoido123 said:


> i like the idea of forcing her to hand over her phone and if she doesnt file the D.


Most people who initially post are too afraid to do the obvious. She is cheating, the guarded phone behavior is always that. Add on no sex. There is another poster here right now with just about your exact same situation. Read that thread and you'll get some advice a few days old, good stuff. If you said, start sharing all passwords and devices again like we used to, or I'm considering divorcing you, do you really think she'd be alright with that? I think she might, because she is cheating, and she'd rather save her reputation and her affair partner than to stay married. But would you want to stay in that kind of marriage anyway?



Whatdoido123 said:


> Another aspect of this is we built a new house recently but haven’t moved in. All my dreams for my family are falling apart before my eyes. If we D there’s no way either of us could afford to live here on our own after paying for divorce, child support and alimony. If there is another man I could not handle him living here with my family in the house we built together.


Yeah, that's the "afraid" part of you. _I will lose my dreams._ You have to re-think, you already lost your dreams. You just don't know it for sure yet. Get the private investigator.

To me, it sounds like she met a guy, either online or in person, who is into some type of fetish. BDSM? Who knows?

Before she changed her password/device behavior, the affair would have started a month or a few months before that. Was there anything new going on in her life at that time, a new hobby, a new coworker, a new job, a new social media app, a new friend? You could put a GPS in her car. You could put a voice-activated recorder in her car. The private investigator is the best option. You are paying for a house, you pay for your health, your marriage is at a crisis point, isn't a private investigator worth it?

Or just be strong-willed and tell her that her shadiness of hiding the phone, passwords, etc., are unacceptable, lack of sex is unacceptable unless she can tell you why, and you're going to seriously consider leaving if she can't explain herself and change her shady ways.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

If I could go back and talk to my younger self knowing what I know now...I would tell her, " you don't need proof...all you need to know is whether THIS is the way you want to live your life" and the answer would have been NO.
All the wasted time spent looking for clues, worrying, obsessing...all for nothing...
Whatever you do...I would talk to an attorney BEFORE she moves into that house!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just wanted to say that once this stuff starts with a woman, it NEVER gets better, just worse.
You feel like your life is over and you have no hope of being happy again. That’s your emotions talking, and your emotions are ******** and will ruin you.
They will make you act stupid.

The only thing to do is divorce, get as free as you can from this woman, and get as much custody if your kids as you can.

The worst thing about your situation is that she doesn’t want to divorce you, she just wants to use you for whatever benefits you provide, else she would have already told you she wants a divorce, but she will soon.
One thing you can do is wait until she does, then pounce on her desire to be free and get an equitable divorce. If you wait until she has lost all conscience and frr Er s her ducks in a row, she will screw you over royally.

im sorry, no way to sugar coat this. Once a woman loses feelings in a man, they will never return. The wife you once knew us literally dead. The woman you see before you is not her. Mourn the loss of the person you once knew, and move in with your life. It’s all you can do.

And yes, there is no doubt that a woman who protects her phone and suddenly doesn’t want her husband to touch her, isn’t cheating. None.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

IT"S CRITICAL that she understand that she must surrender the phone immediately - and that any delay is an immediate admission that she is committing adultery. Refusing to provide the password is also an admission of guilt.

Her instinctive reaction will be to refuse to hand over the phone....and then hand it over an hour later (after she's reset the phone and wiped it clean).

Consider taking possession first (and cut off that option).


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

Should I download dr. Fone before requesting access and tell her I’m going to be hooking it up to the software? I’m sure she’s deleted a lot of stuff already.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Bluff and tell her that there's software to recover 'all' texts ....even ones that auto delete. And her only hope of saving her marriage is the immediate truth.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

And if she doesn't confess in advance, any texts recovered will be shared with her parents.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> And if she doesn't confess in advance, any texts recovered will be shared with her parents.


her parents hate me at this point. They would probably justify her behavior somehow.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Then to anyone she doesn't want to be exposed to.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Put the new home up for sale.

Get a lawyer.

Get 50/50 custody of your kids 

File for divorce.

If you have tried talking about what is going on and she hasn’t responded, the only thing you can do is move forward with out her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If she doesn’t have a job let her know she needs to get one.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Literotica is a site *where amateur writers have their writing published for free.*
> 
> She is probably checking out the fantasies of the authors.
> 
> ...


Huh?

Hmm?

I think I saw _The Typist_ on that site.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Why do you need proof of her affair?
> 
> She is already being *a ****ty enough wife* for you to send her on her way.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


This is often the case.

This is a (the) logical answer. 

Logic is often powerless when one's emotions take the helm.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Should I download dr. Fone before requesting access and tell her I’m going to be hooking it up to the software? I’m sure she’s deleted a lot of stuff already.


Sure. If you are going to talk tough, you better be able to back it up.
She needs to know you have done the homework.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Robert22205 said:


> And if she doesn't confess in advance, any texts recovered will be shared with her parents.


and the entire family.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Whatdoido123 said:


> her parents hate me at this point. They would probably justify her behavior somehow.


Then tell her what ever text you recover will be post all over your social media so that all their friends will know who she really is


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Then tell her what ever text you recover will be post all over your social media so that all their friends will know who she really is


This is not a good idea. It's almost certainly against the law.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife won’t touch you. She’s obviously cheating. The time for questions, possible solutions, advice.... is over. The only advice you need is which lawyer you should see. If you know of a known shark lawyer in your area, get a free consult with him. That way, your wife can’t use him even if you choose not to.

you really don’t need to investigate, as you d been told. Is this the kind of wife you want to live in your dream home with?

You reaaaaaallllly need to see an attorney......


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Evinrude58 is right. See a lawyer ASAP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Whatdoido123 I am sorry but seeing a lawyer is an option I have to agree with.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Whatdoido123 I am sorry but seeing a lawyer is an option I have to agree with.


I know 😞


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@Whatdoido123 - Watch this video. In most cases it's about women who are rejecting men, but she acknowledges that it often happens that men reject their wives sexuality as well, and how that makes them feel. And if appropriate, watch it with your husband. Maybe he'll get it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> @Whatdoido123 - Watch this video. In most cases it's about women who are rejecting men, but she acknowledges that it often happens that men reject their wives sexuality as well, and how that makes them feel. And if appropriate, watch it with your husband. Maybe he'll get it.


I think you posted this in the wrong thread. The OP is a male with a cheating wife, not a woman in a sexless marriage.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I think you posted this in the wrong thread. The OP is a male with a cheating wife, not a woman in a sexless marriage.


It covers both. She says in the video there actually are quite a few women who are rejected by their male partners not desiring sex. If you haven't seen it yet, you might check it out. She's really good.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP you can get a P.I. who can unlock texts and track phone calls for a nominal amount. Most P.I.s have a rate schedule they will provide you.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

I still love my wife and want my family to stay intact, but as everyone has said it’s pretty obvious she’s gone. A lot of you all say it gets better and all that, but If this all falls apart are there really women out there looking for single dads paying tons of money from a divorce? Or am I destined to be single for a long time? What’s y’alls experience?


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

You would be shocked, SHOCKED!!!! When it comes to women!!! I’m not exactly Joe Stud, but I had women flirty and hitting on me once the word got out that I filed for divorce, and I had two teenagers!

don’t let fear hold you back!

Be decisiveDon’t allow yourself to be disrespected!!!
Head up! Shoulders Back! And walk straight out of the Hell she has put you in!

Be Strong!!
And do what you must to be able to look that man in the mirror in the eye!!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Whatdoido123 said:


> A lot of you all say it gets better and all that, but If this all falls apart are there really women out there looking for single dads paying tons of money from a divorce? Or am I destined to be single for a long time? What’s y’alls experience?


FWIW, I became single in my early 40s after leaving a live in bf of 12 years. I don't have children. But of course,at that age most of my dates did. I found it a really good tool in which to measure a potential partner. Would he forsake time with his kids to be with me? ( One did and I was immediately turned off.) How did he speak about his children to me? Did he want me to meet them too soon? Did he speak disparagingly about their mother to me? How was he as a father (I only met one man's child--we dated for 9 mos.)? That was invaluable info for me! If he was a good father, chances were better he would be a decent partner for me.

Guess what? I married my husband 2 years ago (together for 8) and he is such a wonderful husband and father. And my 20 yo stepdaughter is a blessing. I'm so glad they're both part of my life.

So YES there are decent, loving women who would love to meet a man who will remain faithful and love them, he doesn't have to be rich. Save your love for someone who deserves it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Whatdoido123 How is it going?


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

I’ve seen the term hysterical bonding on here and I think that’s what’s happening now. I feel weak and dirty for giving in. 🤦‍
I got her to admit to a lot of stuff I knew she was doing that is out of character but she won’t admit to an affair.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ohhh boy .... she won you over with some vagina magic. Don’t worry... your not the first and won’t be the last to fall for it. I would recommend you get checked for STDs. You should probably make a choice.... do you want to pursue the truth or sweep it under the rug. I’m not judging you either way but it might help you from aimlessly wondering around without decisive action. You wife is not going to tell you the truth... you have to play hard ball if you want the truth. Honestly it is so very easy... you put her in the car and go get a polygraph. You will get a confession in the parking lot before she gets out the car.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree, demand a polygraph.

the sex was manipulation to make you be quiet. You need to know the truth.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Well at least there is some sort of communication going on. Take the ride but be a super sleuth. Listen to her, look at her, get on her good side, sitting next to her etc. Just try to get sight of her entering her pass code on her phone. 
Still seek full legal advice regrading D and your rights an what it will look like if you go ahead due to her inaction in telling you the truth.
In the end if there is a full blown A. Would you really want to stay home watching her get ready to meet her AP or going on pick up web sigh? D regardless of its setbacks may be a better option.
One day at a time
Buffer


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

Y’all are right. I’ve been played and I’m an idiot.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So what happened and what’s your plan moving forward?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You have to decide what you want from life.

Being a Christian doesn’t mean you stay with a cheating spouse. You find away to forgive and forgiveness doesn’t mean you stay.

You need to do what is best for yourself and your kids. I suggest counseling for yourself.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Y’all are right. I’ve been played and I’m an idiot.


No you are not an idiot. You are a normal human being. Well maybe we are all idiots


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Y’all are right. I’ve been played and I’m an idiot.


Not necessarily. She might be genuine.

However, trust but verify should be the way forward.


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## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

Sounds to me like he just found a smoking gun. Probably in shock as we speak. Possibly packing bags and whatnot. I kinda saw it coming. Too many red flags to be hysterically bonded away.

Whatever happens, think of yourself and your kids first. Stop worrying about her. You tried.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

I’m thinking I need to file tomorrow. I spoke to a lawyer. Something happened that is forcing my hand this direction. There have been a lot of lies over the past few months and for my own sake I need to separate from her ASAP.
Unfortunately I haven’t found that smoking gun yet. I’m sure her AP will magically appear in a couple months as her new boyfriend.
There is so much more to my story that I haven’t shared and I hope I can once all the dust settles. I think my story will rival some of the most epic ones you have ever seen on here.
I’m truly devastated, but I’ve been getting beat down and traumatized since December of last year so I’m almost numb to it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Whatdoido123 said:


> I’m truly devastated, but I’ve been getting beat down and traumatized since December of last year so I’m almost numb to it.


This is exactly why you need to file. Your mental health should be your primary concern.
Put her on defense and see what you have to work with.
If you had anything to work with, you would not be in this condition.
Blow up her world. Show her what the term ruthless really means.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Whatdoido123 said:


> There is so much more to my story that I haven’t shared and I hope I can once all the dust settles. I think my story will rival some of the most epic ones you have ever seen on here.


What's stopping you from sharing now? Has your wife found your thread?

We can only give you good advice on what you tell us. Plenty of people here have great advice and experience dealing with a contentious divorce. It's doubtful that your wife is going to play fair and no one can tell just how at risk she is of pulling dirty tricks but what we do know is that she went to great lengths to deceive you but was bold enough to make big moves like changing her appearance, stopping sex, and locking you out of everything. Protect yourself. Tell the lawyer everything. Think about getting a counselor to confide in too especially if your wife kicks off once divorce is on the table. Tell your friends and family everything. Don't keep her secret. The more aware everyone is of the truth, the more they can help you if she tries to lie her way in to a better position. Don't wait because you think it can be worked out later. Once you miss that chance and your wife takes the opportunity to tell everyone who will listen what a terrible person you are, your reputation does not fully recover.


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## ElleJ (Jul 6, 2020)

Whatdoido123, In my opinion, you already have all the proof you need and a full disclosure will only devastate you and your family. Please rely on your instincts, your wife's obvious change in behavior and clandestine conduct, and the obligatory "I love you" phrase that is articulated only to keep you in limbo so she could continue her double life while she plans her future.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Whatdoido123 , take care of yourself in the midst of all this, make sure you try and sleep and eat properly.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

nekonamida said:


> Once you miss that chance and your wife takes the opportunity to tell everyone who will listen what a terrible person you are, your reputation does not fully recover.


This has already happened. I will share a tiny bit now. She went to rehab for substance use and self harm. She was put on a ton of psych meds. Came back a completely different person. The lying and manipulation has already ruined my reputation. That’s part of why I’ve been so hesitant to file. That I will get destroyed. At this point all I have is my dad in my corner.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Whatdoido123 said:


> This has already happened. I will share a tiny bit now. She went to rehab for substance use and self harm. She was put on a ton of psych meds. Came back a completely different person. The lying and manipulation has already ruined my reputation. That’s part of why I’ve been so hesitant to file. That I will get destroyed. At this point all I have is my dad in my corner.


So, YOU need to correct her lies about you to ALL. Expose what SHE has done -- make sure that you tell everyone what the real story is. Just be aware, many may NOT believe you since she got her "story" in first. If you have any evidence to prove your point, or even better to disprove her point, make sure you can say to folks "If you don't believe me, I can show you proof".
Your lawyers can cut through the BS she is claiming (assuming of course that is none of what she is saying is true). Get with the lawyers, get your plan, let THEM know about what she is saying about you so that they can formulate the best way to combat it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Whatdoido123 said:


> This has already happened. I will share a tiny bit now. She went to rehab for substance use and self harm. She was put on a ton of psych meds. Came back a completely different person. The lying and manipulation has already ruined my reputation. That’s part of why I’ve been so hesitant to file. That I will get destroyed. At this point all I have is my dad in my corner.


All you have to do is live an honorable life and do the right thing. You don’t need to bash your wife and make her look bad, she is already making herself look bad. Don’t get involved in the drama. File for divorce, set a good example for your kids, which is to always be kind, but don’t be a push over. If you have to pay money in the divorce who cares, that is not an excuse not to get divorced. 
Don’t worry about what other people think. Make good decisions, don’t get involved in the gossip and drama and eventually everyone’s actions eventually tell you about people.


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

Thanks everyone for your responses. I haven’t filed yet but I have the contract with the lawyer written up. I’m going to take a couple days to process.

also, I think I need to get tested for stds. She’s had a UTI that will not go away after antibiotics and all tests come back negative for uti. I googled uti that acts like std and I’m freaking out.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Whatdoido123 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I haven’t filed yet but I have the contract with the lawyer written up. I’m going to take a couple days to process.
> 
> also, I think I need to get tested for stds. She’s had a UTI that will not go away after antibiotics and all tests come back negative for uti. I googled uti that acts like std and I’m freaking out.


Yeah, sounds like an STI. Chlamydia maybe, so she got something from someone besides you, if that turns out to be the case. 

Be aware that it can take several time to be sure not just for HIV either, lots of them are like that...


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## Whatdoido123 (Jun 27, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Yeah, sounds like an STI. Chlamydia maybe, so she got something from someone besides you, if that turns out to be the case.
> 
> Be aware that it can take several time to be sure not just for HIV either, lots of them are like that...


I guess that would be my smoking gun if it came back positive. Not an ideal way of finding out.
It says online to wait at least two weeks after sex to get tested.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Whatdoido123 said:


> I guess that would be my smoking gun if it came back positive. Not an ideal way of finding out.
> It says online to wait at least two weeks after sex to get tested.


Brother, what are you even talking about? You have so many read flags I thought your thread was a bull fight. 

There is not good way to find out, and there is not always a smoking gun, unless you hire a PI. 

Which would probably be a good idea, but at this point I don't think it matters. I an lots here think you need to be done. 

I suspect that when you divorce you will get closer to the truth, and you will eventually meet the BF or GF, whatever the case may be...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@*Whatdoido123

What's going on man? What's your status?*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

sokillme said:


> @*Whatdoido123
> 
> What's going on man? What's your status?*


He probably got his results back and is sh!tting bricks and having a melt down. He sounded determined though... I bet he is lawyered up and about to bust out the gate.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Hope hope the old boy avoided a std and has quit beating himself up over a little booty call with his post affair wife. His thinking, "I feel weak and dirty for giving in" should be, "I felt horny and banged my future ex-wife".


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

If you feel you need to know for sure then VAR her. It’s cheap, it’s easy and you will know within a matter of days. VAR her car, somewhere she puts on makeup, and one other location in the house she uses a lot.

but we can all tell you she’s having an affair — and it’s a physical one.

Because most of us have been thru it.

VAR will give you solid information and then you can file for divorce. You should see an attorney while the VARs are sitting around gathering info. Then you will be ready.

Don’t bother confronting once you have info. She will lie and manipulate you into revealing what you know and then merely fill in the blanks for what you have. She won’t give you the full story. If that was going to happen she would already ended it and voluntarily confessed.

She knows you know.

Just file and have her served.

You can always change your mind about the divorce process if you want - it takes awhile.

Filing will get you out of infidelity and back in control of your life. It will end the limbo you are now in immediately. And it will blow up her fantasy world immediately. It will also get an immediate response. Then you can see what you’re dealing with. 

If — like me — you drag it out and don’t file you’ll find yourself in painful limbo that can drag on for years. 

Trust me you don’t want that, no matter how much you think you love this woman.

I’m REALLY sorry to have to tell you your old wife isn’t coming back. Trust me I know precisely how gutting that is.

Because the woman you’re seeing now is who she is. Not the fantasy in your head. It could take awhile for you to process that truth. But you have to do it for your own sake.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Also substance abuse plus infidelity? That’s two of the three A’s for ending a marriage. Just get out.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Whatdoido123 said:


> red flags:
> Changed password to phone and locked me out completely. Always has if facedown and hides what she’s doing if I walk by. We used to have 100% transparency on all devices/email/social media


That's already enough for me to divorce.

Proof of affair or no, the relationship is not worth salvaging if such a basic requirement is not met.


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