# Flashback



## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

When my X cheated on me, everything was a lie, from the people she was talking to~ to the reason she did anything. The week I caught her, it was over a trip she took to see the OM. She turned her phone off as soon as she left, she didn't call the kids and wouldn't answer for 3 days. When she came back she didn't have one story to tell about the flight, the people she was w/ or the state she went to.....she didn't even want to talk about the trip @ all.
FF to today.
My GF planned a trip to her sisters house and orginaly I was supposed to go w/ but right before she went she told me her sister's husband lost his job and it might be best if I stayed home. I got my kids so it wasn't a big deal....until Friday night my phone died and I had the kids call her to let her know I couldn't text/call her if she was trying to call me. When my son got thru she was short and asked "what's the problem?" We were all having a good time and didn't understand why she was so short, she said she couldn't hear b/c we were in the car...and then she hung up. I pulled over so we could all hear and she wasn't so nice so I took her off speaker and we talked about 3min and she said she had to go.
Saturday we talked/text a few times and she said she was going to the beach @ night to watch the sun set w/ her sister. I called once and she said I was needy, she was ok and just was busy w/ her sister. I can take a hint so I left her alone all day, I just text her a "good morning, Love U" and figured I talk to her tonight....
Side note~ My GF can walk down the street 1 block and back and talk about it for a 1/2 hr.....her work stories last for hrs.
I call her tonight and tell her all about my weekend w/ the kids and then start asking her about her weekend....but she doesn't have anything to say. I had to pry the information outta her and the more questions I had to ask (and her answers were short) the more I got the feeling "I've been here before, I know what's next" 
She loves her nieces, she used to tell me about all the stuff she'd do w/ them when she'd visited....but she didn't even say anything about them.
She loves good healthy food and her sister cooks like she likes...but she could only remember 2 meals she ate.....
She went up there for moral support b/c the BIL lost his job but she couldn't tell me anything she did or say that showed any support @ all, infact she said they went shopping for new clothes...if ur husband lost his job....would you go out and get a new outfit?
My GF is not easy, we were together for 2mo before she'd do anything. She wants to get married to me, I know this.....but I also know she lies, she tells little lies to protect the ones she loves, like her smoking, she tells her family I smoke so she smells like smoke. She takes good care of me, she buys me things all the time but.....we were supposed to have sex right before she left and then we didn't b/c she was 3hrs late.... Seems like the same 'ol lies coming around.
I have been w/ her for about 11mo, she has gone thru the 'ol triggers of the X and I know the dangers of comparing the X and her so I don't want to jump off the deep end here but @ the sametime I need to feel secure or I'll bail in a heartbeat!!
Mouse


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think there is smoke here and likely fire. Convenient isn't it that you got dumped from trip? Could you drive up there to surprise her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If she is acting guilty then she's probably guilty. You can take it from there....


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Funny you should ask, my son had 2 games close to where she was @, I asked if she had time to meet us and she claimed she only sees her sister twice a year and I would be interferring. We went to the beach (the reason she was telling she was going @ night.) and asked her to meet us, she said I was making her feel guilty.
She went up last year, the week after we met and she'd talk to me for hrs on end, I could hear the lil girls in the background. I did hear her sister in the background lastnight but....she wouldn't care if her sister cheated on me...
SIDE NOTE~ I work w/ the GF's brother, 5 years ago he went thru the cheating wife thing and I felt horrible to tell him she was cheating but knew it was the right thing to do. The 6th week we were dating I asked her questions about the cheating of her brothers wife did....and this is what she told me "We all go out for our B~days twice a year, we get a limo, go downtown and have a great time. The one night Sue was being funny, she was different, she kept talking to these guys, well she goes out on the dance floor and starts rubbing on this one guy and we were all like WTF?? But hey, she was 1/2 drunk so we just laughed. As the night went on we got tired and wanted to go home, she wanted to stay. After an hr of arguing my sisters left us @ the bar, she went home w/ this guy and I tagged along. There were 2 other guys w/ us, I didn't feel right about leaving her so I just went to keep an eye out for her. We get to this guys house and his roomy is throwing a party, like the place was jammed w/ people. She was all over this guy and before long they went into a room for about 40min and she came out w/ this big smile, she didn't have to tell me what happened, I knew. I got a cab and took her home. My other sisters were still up looking for us when I went to get my car but all I said was she made it home safe. I never told my brother or my family but when he caught her I think they all figured it out."
I was so mad I couldn't speak, I went right home, didn't answer my phone, she left message after message asking why I was so upset..?? When I explained why she was so wrong and why she was just as bad as the cheater....she still didn't get it. Then I put it like this "I'm Fing my X, ur brother knows it, I've been Fing her the whole time I've been seeing U, ur brother didn't want to hurt you so he didn't tell you." She was in tears when I said it like that.
She's been thru a lot w/ me, she's been very understanding about the triggers so I don't want to push over nothing.......I feel so lost,


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LoveMouse~

This is relatively easy. On the one hand, you know as well as I do just from reading your posts that you are a little insecure and probably have some issues fearing being dumped/duped. Thus I suggest you work on your own self regarding those things ASAP. 

HOWEVER...and that is a great, big, GIGANTIC "however"...if you guys are just dating and she's already hiding stuff from you, then you already know it's not good! Gals who are the type who can be intimate (meaning, "I'm going to be transparent enough for you to see the Real Me, warts and all") are not going to be hiding things from you! So I don't care what she's doing or who she's doing it with...even if it is her sister whom she only gets to see once-a-year. She is NOT being forthcoming with you! 

I believe the proper response would be something like this: "GF, you know usually when I ask you about your day at work, about 2 hours later you're still telling me about it and we are laughing our heads off. Yet there you are, with your nieces whom you have said you adore, and with your sister whom you so rarely get to see, and yet you haven't said 3 words to me about your nieces, your sister, where you've been or what you've done. That is not true to your character, and frankly I believe you are hiding something from me. So here's the thing. I want a partner in my life who will be transparently open and honest with me and share everything in their life with me. I will not have someone in my life who only shares "some" or who knowingly keeps things from me. I need 100% complete and FULL honesty in order to be with me. Now you are completely free to choose to either open up and tell me what is truly going on and what you've been up to--even if you're slightly embarrassed that's okay--or choose to continue as you are now trying to hide some from me knowing that eventually I'll figure it out or find out. If you choose to be honest, I promise I will thank you for being honest and I won't yell--even if it's bad I'll appreciate the honesty and just walk away to think about it. But if you do choose to be dishonest or think that you aren't telling me because the truth would hurt me or some such thing, then know that I will not accept someone in my life whom I can not fully, 100% trust. You are free to make your choices--and so am I."


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Call her sis, say you can't reach your GF's mobile and ask her to hand the phone over.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

snap said:


> Call her sis, say you can't reach your GF's mobile and ask her to hand the phone over.


Funny you should mention that.....1 of the reasons she was late was she forgot to pay the phone bill, my phone was shut off for over 12hrs and it took a lot 4 me to get it back on. It wasn't til I rebooted it that it worked.
Mouse


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> LoveMouse~
> 
> This is relatively easy. On the one hand, you know as well as I do just from reading your posts that you are a little insecure and probably have some issues fearing being dumped/duped. Thus I suggest you work on your own self regarding those things ASAP.
> 
> ...


I have been in IC for 2 years, just got done w/ the anger issues over the X. GF has set off so many triggers I know I have trust issues and am working on them but do you see why? How am I ever supposed to be able to move forward unless I can trust 100%?
This isn't HS, she's lived her whole life dating, never been married, and there might be a good reason why....she may have her own problems where she just doesn't get how a relationship works.
Mouse


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Let's say there is nothing other then she wants time to be with her sister. Some folks are like that. If that is the case then you are being overly sensitive and many of us here understand that based upon what you went through with your ex.

But many of us on TAM also see the signs as you are telling us. Not in every case but in too many the signs lead to the "OMG, I found out she/he is cheating". Now you are going to go into investigation mode. Do you want to do this?

Look at your options and try to figure out if this relationship is worth it.

If it was me I would move on. You are not married and there are other folks out there. Yes, it takes time to develope a relationship but if you find someone you can truely trust and love you will be better off.

Take this as test that did not work out. Learn from it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Trust your gut.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Trust your gut.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Ugh Shaggy!


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Well I took the advice of Affaircare and just laid it out but before I could she started talking my ear off about her trip, she told me about all the shopping and 90% of the money came from gift cards they had been saving, she only spent $25 of her own and her sister spent $10. She told me she had 6 bags of stuff to show me and it was for her family except one shirt she got for herself. She also talked about her neices before I even asked and she did talk like she normally does. She asked why I called and I felt stupid but I spoke my mind and asked why she didn't tell me this all last night...she said she had been driving for 6hrs, went to her parents, did my laundry, made her dinner and then didn't get home til 10, when she called me and she was just beat from all the driving/work. I felt kinda silly and her lil light went on and she asked if I was feeling insecure, she laughed, I laughed and said yea....you know how I get. She told me she loved me and she'd never do anything to hurt me, she asked me over tonight and then quickly said "ya know what? I'm coming to U!!" We spent another hr on the phone talking about her weekend and making plans for this weekend!! We're taking this to a new level this weekend, my kids are going to meet her parents for the first time and she sleeping here when the kids are here (we won't sleep in the same bed). She lives an hr away, we have plans every day so her driving 2hrs every day is just silly.
My kids cling to her more than their own mother, even things like homework and planning collage. She is approachable where as the X (also known as the EVIL ONE ) is not. The X won't hug the children and the GF will always ask how they are, what's new and will give a hug anytime.....she talks to them and I have never asked her to do anything w/ my kids.
I feel 1000x better.!!
Mouse


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Awesome, Mouse! Glad this got worked out.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh good job, LoveMouse! #1 I'm glad you had the courage to stand up for yourself and share that you want 100% honesty from someone who's gonna be your life partner! :smthumbup: VERY GOOD JOB!!   

#2 Now we know that you might benefit some from a few building kind of personal exercises (building self-esteem or overcoming insecurity...not muscles LOL). So this first link talks about "Overcoming Jealousy." The author is a little bit "selly" but if you look past that and don't swim around on his site too too much, this one post is pretty good. The second line is pretty practical and gives a little list of 7 things you can do to help overcome jealousy. It's a PDF file. 

Now, I know that the issue here wasn't necessarily that you were jealous of the fun she was having or jealous of the way she acted with another man, but was more along the lines of being insecure based on how she acted. Personally I also think your reaction was pretty natural and understandable!! I love the way the light went on and she "got it," and the way you admitted it and you two laughed about it! That's VERY good!! Now here are a few more things you can do to help YOU get over the way your ex hurt you and give the present the chance it deserves.


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