# Feeling really down



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oh my God, this feeling sucks in a big, big way. I had panic attacks before making the decision to separate, and once that decision was made, my body settled down quite a bit. Now that we're fully separated and heading to divorce, the panic attacks are back in full force, and are waking me up at night. My chest is so sore and tight that it hurts to shoulder check when driving. 

My Mom is on my back about not joining one of the "stupid online dating sites" for a long, long time, and H is posting about being a bachelor on Facebook. It's fine if that's how he wants to announce it, but some of my family and friends are also FB friends with him, and that's not how I would like them to find out. He's living with his Mom currently, but apparently is looking for an apartment. 

I would like to give him a chance to say goodbye to the dogs as, put in his situation, that's a chance that I would like, but my parents say no way. So, I don't know if I should or shouldn't. If I do, do I invite him over to spend some time with them or meet in a neutral location? I don't really want him to just take them; I would like to be there. 

My Mom is also on my back to call a lawyer, and I just want a couple weeks to catch my breath. I feel like my folks are too involved and won't back down, and H is making silly social media decisions, and I'm just stressed. I can't sleep and go to bed way too late because what's the point of laying there, tossing around and thinking. So, I finished baking cookies at midnight. My office is lucky because they've gotten fresh baked goods for 2 weeks in a row. This was the outcome that I had wanted, so why do I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck? Going by what he's posting online, H is doing a-okay. It's been years since I've thought about just up and ending my life, but that scary thought crossed my mind this weekend. I'd never do that; I have a couple of sweet dogs to live for, but it was a tempting, fleeting thought to just make the hurt stop.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You're anxious because you're stressed and you're stressed because you're in transition. 

I think the sooner you're through transitioning, the less stressed and anxious you'll feel. Get the lawyer and get the papers filed. Right now, filing is hanging over your head. Once that's done it's one less transitional thing to do and you'll probably feel relief tinged with sadness. That's normal.

Ask your parents to give you some space to breathe. Your mom probably wants you to call a lawyer and get to dating because she's afraid you'll go back. They love you and they mean well, so keep that in mind when they're dancing on your nerves. 

You can't control what your STBXH says on social media or to people in person. Don't allow yourself to be stressed about it. People were going to find out anyway. 

He doesn't need to say goodbye to the dogs. You said your impression is that he's a-ok, so leave him to it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well juding fro your post you appear way to focused on what other people think. You made the choice for what was best for you when you decided to separate and divorce. But yet, even now you are bothered by what your ex, your family and friends think. Stop worrying about them and start worrying about you. Then take action. Action is the great de-stressor. Stress is just another form of worrying that is internalized. Break your issues down to bite size chunks and deal with them. 
Ex posting on FB? Unfriend him or block his posts. Who cares what he says. Friends finding our? So what? They were going to find out soon enough. If they ask just tell the truth. Parents on your back? Tell them you aren't ready to date and you will get a lawyer when you feel like it.
The key is to focus on yourself. If you need time - take it. But stop worrying about what others think, they don't have to live with your issues, only you do.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

It's time to look after yourself because nobody else will. I was a year split from my ex wife before I even tried to start going out to bar's or clubs. Some people can just move on straight away which means they weren't really invested in the marriage to start with.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Do you really think your STBXH wants to say goodbye to your dogs? He's probably loving that his mom is cooking his meals and doing his laundry for him. Get off the social media. That's part of NC, isn't it? 

Regarding the thoughts of ending it but hanging on for the dogs, how long do you think they're going to live? You're certainly not ready for dating yet. At this point you should be looking to take a class or find an interest group (book club, hobby groups, etc.) 

Most importantly, live for yourself. Get out of the house. Get some sun. Breathe the free air. Burn off that energy that so that you're too tired to be stressed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with everything your mother is saying. He's apparently moved on and you need to do all that you can -- as quickly as you can -- to move on as well. 

No point in letting him spend time with the dogs. It will just confuse them.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your stbx is a big boy, if he wants to see the dogs he can ask and you can address the situation then. Don't fret about it. Stay off social media for now, it does nothing but create needless drama and heartache in the short term. It's also far too easy to watch what he's doing and slip into the trap of keeping yourself thinking about it.


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## Tonyo (Aug 14, 2017)

I am in the same boat!! it sucks!!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You should deactivate your Facebook asap. Seriously, that thing can make you go insane. It's totally unhealthy, especially with what your going through right now. 

Don't contact your stbxh. Who cares about the dogs, if he wants to see them, he will ask. 

You need to focus on creating a healthy environment. Remove all toxic stuff. Remove Facebook, and tell your mom you don't want to hear anything about your stbxh. 

You need to take some time for yourself. Grieve the loss of your husband. Get rid of all his stuff, and things that make you sad. Then you need to move forward.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's a painful process and you just have to go through it. I too am headed for divorce and I had panic attacks and crying all the time. Then I decided enough is enough. I deleted all my stbxh pictures, I got rid of Facebook, after I deleted all his pics. I wanted to rid him of my life because I am still very in love with him and it was debilitating me. I told my family I do not want to hear his name ever again. I told my stbxh never to text me again unless it has to do with the divorce. He occasionally texts me, and asks how I am doing but I ignore him. He is toxic to my well being. 

My advice is to grieve his loss. And do it once and be done with it. You can't live in the past, you change go back and change things. Grieve, then move forward. It's not how we would want things to have worked out, but it is what it is. And there is something exciting about a new beginning.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Oh my God, this feeling sucks in a big, big way. I had panic attacks before making the decision to separate, and once that decision was made, my body settled down quite a bit. Now that we're fully separated and heading to divorce, the panic attacks are back in full force, and are waking me up at night. My chest is so sore and tight that it hurts to shoulder check when driving.
> 
> My Mom is on my back about not joining one of the "stupid online dating sites" for a long, long time, and H is posting about being a bachelor on Facebook. It's fine if that's how he wants to announce it, but some of my family and friends are also FB friends with him, and that's not how I would like them to find out. He's living with his Mom currently, but apparently is looking for an apartment.
> 
> ...


You should know by now that the majority of what you see posted on social media is bullcrap. Your H is putting on a front for other people. You cant really know how he is doing, and honestly it doesnt MATTER how he is doing. (I can pretty much guarantee he isnt doing half as well as he is showing the world.) Your life isnt about him any more. And know that just because divorce is the outcome you wanted, that doesnt make it easy. Just because you are the one who made the decision, you still struggle with it. Moving on away from the life you have known and the hopes and plans you had for your life is a very difficult thing to deal with, and you have to allow yourself to grieve your loss. 

Tell your mom to back off and just be there for you. You have to move at your own pace. Though I would suggest you get filed shortly, that action alone is going to take quite a bit of the pressure off.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@MJJEAN, H has been in contact with his lawyer, as he had emailed me a couple times yesterday regarding lawyer information. And you're probably right in that, once I file, I'll feel better. My Mom actually doesn't want me to date; she wants me to stay single for a good, long while, and she wants me to not join a dating site, which is what I had planned on doing in the future. They do mean well though. No, I cannot control what anyone else posts on social media, I just wish he would think a little more about what he posts beforehand, as I think that social media is a really bad way to hear about any sort of big news.
@Ynot, my immediate family and closest friends know what is happening, along with a couple people at my office. Yes, I'm worried about my extended family finding out by way of social media, as I think that's just crappy. But, I'm just not ready to make a bunch of phone calls at this time to tell everyone, and honestly, will probably just write a quick little blurb about it in the Christmas letter, so it covers a lot of bases at once. Breaking things down into bite-sized chunks sounds like a really smart way of working through things, thanks!
@Robbie1234, thanks for that, and yes, I will take it at my own speed. It's funny though, when we were on a trial separation, I was ready to jump on the dating bandwagon, because I've felt single for most of the last 4 years. We really didn't have a partnership for a marriage. Now, I'm good to wait for however long it takes though; I'm not in a rush. What I crave the most right now is just the safe feeling of being wrapped in someone's arms and them telling me it's going to be OK.
@m00nman, I really do think that he wants to say goodbye to the dogs, yes. The dogs were a huge part of our lives, and are still a huge part of mine. They're what I live for, and my passion in life. If tables were turned, I would want a chance to hug them, tell them I love them and say my goodbyes. In my family, pets are family. We actually aren't in a no contact zone anymore, that was just 2 months. As for taking a class, I'm actually fairly busy as it is, and have since dropped an exercise thing that I went to weekly, and won't be joining my concert band again in the Fall. I have work and 2 side hustles that keep me hopping. I do however need to start working out again, so your advice on getting out and getting sun is something I'll take to heart, with a pair of jogging shoes.
@Openminded, thanks, I wasn't sure if it would confuse them or not to be honest, but it might do just that. 
@honcho, I think that sounds like a good idea; he can contact me if he would like to see them. And you're right about social media as well. Chances are good that he's portraying life as being happier than it is for him.
@Tonyo, I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. If ever you want to vent privately, just PM me.
@katiecrna, I don't really feel like I need to deactivate my FB account, because wouldn't that be letting him have that power over me? Plus, I've travelled a lot and have a lot of friends from all over the world that I would then lose contact with. I have however, packed up and moved all of his belongings into my garage, minus the really heavy things that I cannot move. That was a good feeling; very cleansing! But now comes the grieving part, which sucks to go through, despite knowing that it's for the best for us both. I'm sorry that you're also headed for divorce, and I hope that everything goes well for you with that. . You're right, it isn't at all how I pictured life to work out, and I'm sure that's the case for all who get divorced. But, it is what it is, and there definitely IS something exciting about a new beginning!
@3Xnocharm, oh, I know that the vast majority of things on FB are stories, and I take them with a grain of salt. I know that he's in pain, and he's probably just putting on a good face for those around him, much like what I'm doing. I'm just not taking it to social media because I don't want my friends, extended family and his family/friends to find out that way. You're right, I'm still struggling with the decision, and it wasn't (and still isn't) an easy decision to make. He feels that I'm being callous, and am making a rash decision; I'm not. It's been about 3 years in the making. For me, it was a long, slow decline. 

So, thanks everyone for your replies. I'm still unsure what to do about the dogs, but I guess that's a decision that can be made in the future. Today, I emailed my lawyer. It was a big step, and one that's hammering home what's to come. The office dog is at work today, so the furry breaks have been nice. Tonight, I go see a furry client (yes, dogs star prominently in my life), and then a much-needed massage. I also recently got myself a personal heated massager, which has been fantastic! Not big on spending money on myself, but it was the cost of 1 massage, and completely worth it because it gets used on my back/neck nightly.


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