# Should I give her a second chance



## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

Sorry for the long story but never in a million years did I think I would be writing this post. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 year and we have a great marriage. Of course we had our minor disagreements but no real fights. We have three great children and I have a job that allows her to not work full time. We have a great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn’t realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym. 
It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. “I can’t talk to anyone else”; “I can’t tell **** (his girlfriend) because she wouldn’t understand the way you do”. You get the gist. His life sucks and my wife is a very empathetic person who responds well to that type of neediness. 
So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him and all the other women in his classes. There is some important background her that I need to explain. We met in college when she was a freshman. I was her first and only sexual partner and although I asked her about that early on in our marriage, I had not asked if that was an issue for probably the last 5 or so years. So co-incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair. 
The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). This all happened is the second half a December and early 2013 with the last occurrence the week of Jan 7th. I was getting suspicious and I am a very perceptive person. I started questioning the time she was spending with the OM even though most of the time they were together was focused on dancing it was still too much time. We had two or three discussions about it and they all ended with “we are just friends”. The week of Jan 7th I started getting really worried so on Friday I checked her cell phone for text messages. There was only one text so it was obvious to me that she was deleting them and keeping a secret. She has not ever kept any secrets from me in the 20+ years of marriage or while dating before that. I was very worried and checked the cell phone records online. I discovered a lot of short phone calls to the OMs cell phone. At this point I am worried but it was late and she was already in bed sleeping. I let it go for the night but the next night I noticed she was texting with someone so I discreetly took her phone to see what was going on. There was a few texted to the OM- it was during the playoff football game so most of it was referencing the game but the last text confirmed my gut feel. Although not overtly sexual, it was more flirty and funny but I still confronted her about it over dinner. I made the mistake of doing that in front of the children so she initially denied it. We went out for a long walk and after about 10 min of “it was an inappropriate friendship” and “there was some inappropriate touching” she told me the truth. I have not felt that type of pain since I was a child (alcoholic father so I am no stranger to pain and lies) but I never expected it from my wife. We got the children in bed and then talked the entire night. She gave me all of the details save one she was too afraid to discuss for fear of me kicking her out. We talked and cried for hours and discussed all the painful details. It really seemed to me that she was as shocked as I was- almost like she had an out of body experience and suddenly realized it was her that did those things. I saw true guilt and genuine remorse in her eyes. 
Now I have to say that I am a very black and white type guy. Maybe that is due to my childhood but I am very strict about who I associate with. I once left a job because my boss lied to me and I don’t play golf with people who cheat. That’s just me so my very first reaction was to kick her out. So as we talked and cried on D-Day I was determined to find a way to kick her out. Amazingly enough as we talked I realized how much I truly love my wife and knew that there was no way I could ask her to leave. Despite the overwhelming pain and sorrow I know in my heart I cannot live without her. So after demanding all of the hateful details, the sexual and non-sexual, I started making a plan to save my marriage. She was forthcoming in all details except that it actually happened once in my house. She was afraid that first night that would have put me over the edge and I would have ended the marriage then and there. She was very adamant that she would do anything to save our marriage. I mean anything including letting me have an affair, getting a boob job, signing divorce papers very favorable to me that we lock in a safety deposit box as a deterrent (but don’t file unless she has another affair), no contact with OM, full transparency, STD test, and she suggested MC. I don’t think two wrongs right anything so the affair doesn’t interest me (just not something I would do and I don’t think it would help the situation). So after talking and crying all night I say I would at least make an attempt to save the marriage. We made love around 8:00 in the morning (crying the entire time) and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Strangely enough we have made love every day since D-day and still have the magical attraction we always have had. I called the OM on Sun night and ended the relationship. He is a scumbag that wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with my wife so I didn’t expect or get any resistance from him. My wife followed up with a NC letter and very stern discussion about how he wronged her. There will be no additional communication between the two as I am watching her cell phone log, all texts, and have a tracking device on her phone. She welcomes all these things and will do anything I ask on the transparency front. 
We attended MC on the Wed following D-day and had a long and productive session. We had a follow up session on Sat (D-day plus on week) where she told me it happened in our house. Although I understand her hesitation at telling me initially it did cause me to question my initial desire to save the marriage. It caused me to question every detail of the affair and for the last week I keep asking her painfully detailed questions. She has answered every question without anger but with guilt and remorse in her eyes (along with a lot of tears). We have not disclosed this to anyone but our best couple friends who live out of state. I would prefer that no one ever find out and I think it would literally kill my mother because she is in poor health and absolutely reveres my wife. Also I sold my wedding ring to a gold dealer. I felt it was tainted and I couldn’t wear it anymore. My wife agreed to this but I told her when we feel we are really on the road to full recovery she can ask me to re-marry her. Then she can buy me a new ring as the symbol of our new (and hopefully stronger) commitment to each other.

At this point I understand what happened, understand how it happened, and I even understand how she could compartmentalize it so that she was not considering the enormous potential consequences of her actions. My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto “paper” is to ask for advice. I am as I said very black and white and also have a very difficult time with forgiveness. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage and still hopelessly loving my wife even though she was a WS. I have no fear of her ever doing this again. I should have more trust issues but I can see the pain, regret, and guilt in her eyes. We are going to continue MC and do our best to put this awful mess behind us.

So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

I'd get those favorable divorce papers signed ASAP.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not crazy.
Keep an eye on her and let her earn that trust back. It sound like she is excepting all the consequences for her action.

It takes time so don't rush.

I'm 3 years into a very healthy R so it is possible. 

My old lady screwed around on me for years and some how we are making it work. She is doing alot of heavy lifting to affair proof her marriage and is addressing her own issues as an individual as to why she made the choices she made so many years ago.

As long as there is real remorse and your chick can affair proof her marriage by learning the tools that will prevent her from getting into trouple again then you are not crazy, but protecting your investment.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned here curiosity and missing out on other partners. Have you addressed this with her? what was her response to the fact that her curiasity was a big time betrayal and why she risked so much on filling this curiosity?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Joe, 
I also suggest a VAR (voice activated recorder) plant it under her car seat with some velcrow tape. You need to confirm you are not getting decieved by her taking the affair deeper underground.

This type of thing is very attictive for her. You need to verify.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

YOU are not crazy at all.

You can only hope she understands how seriously close she came to destroying the family. Although the wound is deep. You can heal. There are books your wife can read with you to strenghten the marriage.

Ohhh, dance instructor no more.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Be absolutely certain you know ALL there is to know. It was vile & disrespectful to your whole family to desecrate your home with his sweat, stink, and whatever else he deposited in the house where your children sleep.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Burn the bed!

I'm assuming she no longer associates with the gym, she must find a new gym...again another consequence for her actions.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Throw away whatever piece of furniture, sheets and clothes she used to have sex with the OM. She seems to be remorseful from what you posted so far. You'll just have to keep an eye on things. 

Also I would suggest you have a open discussion about her sexual fantasies since her "curiosity" lead her to cheat.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> Sorry for the long story but never in a million years did I think I would be writing this post. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 year and we have a great marriage. Of course we had our minor disagreements but no real fights. We have three great children and I have a job that allows her to not work full time. We have a great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn’t realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym.
> It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. “I can’t talk to anyone else”; “I can’t tell **** (his girlfriend) because she wouldn’t understand the way you do”. You get the gist. His life sucks and my wife is a very empathetic person who responds well to that type of neediness.
> So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him and all the other women in his classes. There is some important background her that I need to explain. We met in college when she was a freshman. I was her first and only sexual partner and although I asked her about that early on in our marriage, I had not asked if that was an issue for probably the last 5 or so years. So co-incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair.
> The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). This all happened is the second half a December and early 2013 with the last occurrence the week of Jan 7th. I was getting suspicious and I am a very perceptive person. I started questioning the time she was spending with the OM even though most of the time they were together was focused on dancing it was still too much time. We had two or three discussions about it and they all ended with “we are just friends”. The week of Jan 7th I started getting really worried so on Friday I checked her cell phone for text messages. There was only one text so it was obvious to me that she was deleting them and keeping a secret. She has not ever kept any secrets from me in the 20+ years of marriage or while dating before that. I was very worried and checked the cell phone records online. I discovered a lot of short phone calls to the OMs cell phone. At this point I am worried but it was late and she was already in bed sleeping. I let it go for the night but the next night I noticed she was texting with someone so I discreetly took her phone to see what was going on. There was a few texted to the OM- it was during the playoff football game so most of it was referencing the game but the last text confirmed my gut feel. Although not overtly sexual, it was more flirty and funny but I still confronted her about it over dinner. I made the mistake of doing that in front of the children so she initially denied it. We went out for a long walk and after about 10 min of “it was an inappropriate friendship” and “there was some inappropriate touching” she told me the truth. I have not felt that type of pain since I was a child (alcoholic father so I am no stranger to pain and lies) but I never expected it from my wife. We got the children in bed and then talked the entire night. She gave me all of the details save one she was too afraid to discuss for fear of me kicking her out. We talked and cried for hours and discussed all the painful details. It really seemed to me that she was as shocked as I was- almost like she had an out of body experience and suddenly realized it was her that did those things. I saw true guilt and genuine remorse in her eyes.
> ...


Joe,

The question of how willing you are to reconcile with your wife is something that only you can answer. For the most part, sadly, there is little that is remarkable about your situation in terms of experience of other BHs on TAM. One detail that stood out to me as uncommon, and that causes some concern for me, is the assertion by your wife that she and the OM used a condom during the four occurrences of sexual intercourse. From what I've read in my time here, that's something very uncommon if it's true. The psychology and biochemistry running rampant during an affair usually makes the two APs forgo contraceptives, even though during trickle-truth, to mitigate fallout, some spouses will make the claim. However, your wife's seeming openness in admitting the affair, even that one such occurrence was in your marital bed makes it unlikely to be a product of mitigation. If that's so, it seems to construe, at least to me, that your wife's relationship with the OM had nothing to do with emotional intimacy and everything to do with sexual gratification for its own sake. That the penis belong to her fellow instructor was merely a case of easy access; in another situation it might just as easily have been attached to a neighbor, or one of your children's friends (assuming they're old enough). That, coupled with the seeming ease with which she cut off the OM would have me worried because it means that an EA doesn't have to developed to put her in danger of recidivism. There's literally nothing stopping her from going trolling for another lover any time she's not in your line of sight. Again, I could easily be wrong but that's just my tuppence. I wish you luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hence the VAR!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

What about her job? Do they instruct at the same facility?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> never in a million years ... we have a great marriage ... great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. *She doesn’t realize it *but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym. It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). *She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him*. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to *turn my wife into his personal counselor*. he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and *pushed him away *but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she *felt like she was truly helping a friend*. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him *incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life*. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair.
> The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again *she was freaked out *but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (*all with a condom*). My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto “paper” is to ask for advice. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage *I have no fear of her ever doing this again*. So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?


Given the circumstances, I think you should try to reconcile if that's what you want.

I think you should take your wife off the pedestal now, though.

A loyal wife in a "great" 22-year marriage with "great" sex is not going to fall so easily to a predator.

The trajectory you describe, to me, makes it look like your wife was looking for the affair. I doubt she never got hit on at the gym when you are not present, so she knows darn well guys look at her and have an interest in her. You are trying to demonize the other man, which I agree he is scum, but your wife was texting him constantly, flirting with him, doing so in your presence - what does that make her? It doesn't sound like he took advantage of her, it sounds like she did it quite willingly.

She joined his class, she wanted him to teach her. This guy teaches dancing class to women. He knows darn well which ones are open to an affair and which ones are not. He went after your wife because he sensed she was open to it.

The thing that would bother me, if I were in your shoes, is what would have happened if other man was not such a mess and you were not such a financial success, what if other man had more money and more financial stability than you AND was interested in a long-term relationship with your wife? You might be looking at quite a different situation right now.

I think she had more desire for this affair than she is telling you, she gave him signals that encouraged him to move forward with this, and she is the one primarily to blame for the affair, not other man. Not to say that he isn't scum, but other man did nothing that your wife didn't willingly go along with and encourage.

You seem like a very straight-forward guy who tackles problems head on. You believe in right and wrong. Your wife of 22 years knows darn well you are like this, she also knew what the consequences possibly would be, and she went forward with the affair anyway. Like I already said, I think there's more to her motivation, her planning, her deciding on the affair than she is letting on, it didn't just happen because of some perfect storm of bad circumstances with this particular other man.

I think you still are a little shell-shocked and maybe in a bit of denial. You are crazy if you really "have no fear of her ever doing this again." If that was true, then why monitor her with gps?

So my advice is to try to reconcile, but keep your eyes and ears open, don't believe your wife was in any way a victim of a predator, she was an equal partner in this adultery, and let her rebuild your trust, don't rationalize in your head that "you can see it in her eyes," let her prove it to you by her actions.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Joe, she needs consequences. Expose to those around you. 

No matter what she says or does, conscious or subconsciously, shes going to be thinking "I got away with it" in the back of her head. If someone plays with fire its only right that they get burned. 

If you soften everything you'll lessen the impact of just what it is shes done. Tears mean nothing, promises mean nothing. She 'promised' to never take another and look how that went, so don't put any stock into that crap.

You are a black and white guy, I am similar. 

You need to get her a polygraph. She has a history of holding back details so you need to be sure you know everything.

Also I know this whole thing is an ugly matter, but DO NOT rugsweep this. In your haste to get past it, you may wind up acting like the affair never happened or avoiding it. Your marriage will never be the same and things have to change. Don't. Rugsweeping the affair all but guarantees a repeat occurrence in the future.

Girls nights out, over. her habits that lead to the affair, gone. And make sure your counselor calls her out on her bullsh!t. 

You don't get 'curious' when someone kisses you. You get aroused or you get revolted/pissed off. Anyone true and loyal to their spouses should experience the latter of the two. 

Its pretty clear which one your wife got sorted into so make sure in counseling you get to the bottom of why.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Kasler said:


> Joe, she needs consequences. Expose to those around you.
> 
> No matter what she says or does, conscious or subconsciously, shes going to be thinking "I got away with it" in the back of her head. If someone plays with fire its only right that they get burned.
> 
> ...


You sound like you're willing to forgive her way too easily. Which in the end women don't respect along with doormats and won't do you any favors in the long run. You come off as needy and co-dependant which I'm sure your wife has picked up on. Women don't respect this in their men either.

Believe me eventually you're going to experience some pretty bad anger, resentment and triggers.

And Will Kane made some pretty good points. Your wife is by no means some victim in this situation. She most likely had a very good idea of what type of posistion she put herself in and was probably looking to do so from the start.

Wish you the best of luck and hopefully your wife is genuinely remoreseful but to me you come off as a bit TOO "understanding". But that's just my opinion.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Jasel said:


> You sound like you're willing to forgive her way too easily. Which in the end women don't respect along with doormats and won't do you any favors in the long run. You come off as needy and co-dependant which I'm sure your wife has picked up on. Women don't respect this in their men either.
> 
> Believe me eventually you're going to experience some pretty bad anger, resentment and triggers.
> 
> ...


In what way am I suggesting he forgive easily?

If anything its the opposite. 

I'm not gonna throw out a hardline D when its pretty clear to everyone hes R'ing even if he hasn't realized it yet.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What bothers me about this situation---is there is no real accountability

NC, transparency, and all the rest of the things done by the wife---standard fare for cheating spouse---but then he had sex, with her right away---and her cushy life style has not changed one bit

It didn't bother you, that you were going where a strange man who DID NOT take vows with your wife had been for a whole month, or longer---did it not bother you another man had your wife's lips, and she had his tool in her mouth, or was it the other way around--it doesn't matter----none of what she has done has reviled you---WHY NOT???????

Do you not understand that your wife took another man in preferance to you---she disrespected you, spit on her wedding ring---threw her vows out the window, and said who cares about my children, if I blow up this mge, so what--------

She knew what she was doing---sure she wanted some foreign spice---she was bored with you, bored with her mge---and instead of discussing the problem---she spreads her legs for a month or longer, and in your own home---and you basically have done nothing

The next time she wants to try another man---it will be even easier for her, cuz now she knows you will just say, oh I love you so much, I will make this mge worrk, and slide what you have done under the rug---so she KNOWS she can cheat, and you will do nothing

The way you are handling this, is a recipe for disaster, for your mge-----

I am not saying don't R---I am saying as others are saying---there needs to be some stiff consequences beyond the ordinary consequences---she just can't go back to her lifestyle as it was.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

jnj, why so explicit? Course he has imagined all that. This is not a man in denial....at least it doesn't seem that way to me. I really don't think all that explicitness is necessary or required. I think it is just cruel.

Joe, no you are not crazy. Or stupid. It sounds to me like this is a complete one off. She has been faithful, honest, truthful, for 22 years. And she has given you all the details easily. This is not a woman who is in the affair fog. Who wants to go out and do it again. This is someone who is doing all in her power to right the utter stupidity she allowed herself to get carried away with. I think a lot of the above posts are not taking the circumstances, and her post DD actions into account. I think some advice is telling you what to do in the sense that your wife has been a serial cheater, or is about to become one. This does not look like it from where I am standing. Consequences, yes. There has to be some. You have to decide what is necessary though. Read other posts. Try and find others in similar situations to you and what helped them.

And don't expose expose. I would generally be positive on that advice, but I think in this case it is just unnecessary. Let her know though, any repeat and everyone you both know will find out about it. Maybe get her to handwrite a letter admitting what she did so that if there is a repeat, that is what will be shown to all. Lock that away with the divorce papers. Those 2 things alone would be a huge deterrent for her ever repeating. But as I said above, her behaviour and actions tell me that her remorse is real and that all she has created and the pain she has caused is possibly deterrent enough. Just do these things as a fail safe. Double and triple security.

Get the divorce papers signed and locked away, make sure she knows, really knows, how close she came to outright divorce and that any repeat will be instantaneous divorce. No questions, no 2nd chances. Verify her continued honesty and that she is having nothing to do with him whatsoever. And get on with the rest of your lives. Happily. Get all this out the way, don't hold it against her, and make sure you both read up on boundaries in marriage. If she allowed herself to get swept away so easily, her boundaries were very very poor. She needs to reinforce them.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Things to watch during your reconciliation is that you and your wife accept and acknowledge that the cheating was something your wife chose to do. Right now, from what you wrote, I get the impression you are both putting a lot of blame on the POSOM. And he IS a POS, no question. And he does share some responsibility. But your wife cannot have the mindset that he led her astray - she led herself astray. You have to realize this too - your wife chose to cheat. She needs to work on that part of herself which allowed this to happen. 

The other thing that hasn't come out (or maybe I missed it) are the marital conditions prior to her cheating. What was missing? What changes are YOU making? 

Just don't make the mistake of placing too much of the blame on the POSOM. He was a part of the problem but not the sole cause. 

Good luck with the R!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

This is kinda scary. I don't think she is truly remorseful, honestly. She did everything to keep you from kicking her out. She even omitted having sex in your house. She had sex in your own home, man! That is a brazennes that not most cheaters are capable of. What she is doing isn't remorse, it's called damage control. You weren't even in her afterthoughts when she was cheating on you, guy. It wasn't a one time deal and she is an accomplice in escalating it. She is no victim. 

She was curious, so instead of counting herself lucky to have such a happy marriage, she just went ahead and had an affair. Now you are taking her back, without a doubt in your mind. The OM got some free married p*ssy, your wife satisfied her curiousity, what about you? 

Btw, I don't think epiphanies such as "Omg, I love my spouse, I have to do everything to make it up to him/her." comes right after D-Day to cheaters. I think she even planned what to say to you to keep you from divorcing her. That's a bit too calculating in an affair for my taste. Affairs are about the so called "passion" and hormones running rampant. Can somebody cut it off like that?

Also, to verify the NC I would expose to OM's gf.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Kasler said:


> In what way am I suggesting he forgive easily?
> 
> If anything its the opposite.
> 
> I'm not gonna throw out a hardline D when its pretty clear to everyone hes R'ing even if he hasn't realized it yet.


Sorry I quoted you by mistake. Your advice was good.


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## J Valley (Jun 28, 2012)

It is good that your wife is showing remorse but you have to keep in mind that d-day is very recent. She needs to persevere and work on herself. I would strongly suggest therapy and counseling. We all make mistakes but she needs to learn from it and how to deal with it. In other words, no rug sweeping as people in this forum would say. Good luck to both of you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Joe, I think a lot of the steps you have taken are positive, and necessary if your truly want R, but where is the accountability for your wife as other posters have already mentioned ? 

I'm also concerned that your reluctance to expose is in part because of the embarrassment you feel about this. You can't get healthy again rug sweeping this. If you move forward in life with your wife, you have to understand that this is a new person you are involved with, who has unfortunately proven that she is capable of things you would have never believed.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are new to this, your D day is very recent. So look your backs so that she docent take it underground. Many WS who showed/acted remorse more than her did continue the A right under the nose as the BS relaxed and beleived their WS.

Put a VAR on her car, dont tell her what you are doing to monitor her. Dont stop snooping use ways she dont suspect.
Put a key logger on the computer. She may have opened a new account to contact abd plan things with OM.

She seems to be in damage control and I dont beleive that it was only four times and only one time on your bed.

Why she confessed about sex at you home? was it due to some external pressure? was it because OM was forcing her for more sex and he threatened her about exposing to you? Was the GF of OM aware of the A or suspected it? Any way you should contact OMGF and inform her. As you deserve truth so is OMGF.

The way she did it within few days of the A is terrific and it raises the doubt that was it her first A? The way she took OM to your marital bed within few days of her A. She may be in damage control as OM is not interested in a long term relationship or OM may have dumped her.

You are rug sweeping the A. Dont do that. Expose the OM to his GF. Expose her to her family and make her to do it.

Burn the bed she soiled with OMs cum. Ask her to buy a new one with her own money. see a lawyer to know your options.

Get tested for STDs, A sex is always unprotected and trusting her word now is foolishness.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Her accountability is to her husband. That is who she betrayed. It is between the two of them and if she is truly repentant doing all her husband asks then there is no reason for exposure.

Follow your heart and gut Joe! I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope the 2 of you can work through this and come out with a better, stronger relationship.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?


Yes.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

mary35 said:


> Her accountability is to her husband. That is who she betrayed. It is between the two of them and *if she is truly repentant* doing all her husband asks then there is no reason for exposure.
> 
> Follow your heart and gut Joe! I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope the 2 of you can work through this and come out with a better, stronger relationship.


So much weighted on such a little word.

My grandparents smoked like chimmneys. A few times I imitated them. My mom made me smoke a used butt and my dad gave me an unfiltered Camel to smoke.

I don't smoke due to the pain.

What exactly is she suffering except the pitiful and pained expression in his eyes? Except a (small) fear that he might boot her out?

So my advice is this: You have your wife to to the boss of the gym and she gives him a blow by blow. She can explain that it was consensual, but if he is hitting on her, he's probably hitting on the clients...and that is bad news waiting to happen. 

This besmirches his name...correctly. And it establishes that she can never go to that gym again...unless she is totally brazen.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Forget the pre-filled out divorcr forms. Get a post-nup in place

Also get the polygraph mentioned earlier. I'm willing to bet these still waters run deeper than you think

Once you have all the truth, you'll then be able to decide if you can try and get past this level of deceit

And BTW, why would you have her get a boob job? Are you trying to make her even MORE attractive to other men?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up the stats on a boob job and divorce.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Why cant you ask her for a polygraph? Ask her about it and see her reaction.

But you can also do it as a consequence for her disrespect. If it was me i might have done from paternity test, STDs and Polygraph to show her how much you untrust her. It may give her the best message.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What a lot of you are overlooking is she didn't quit the A---she got caught---had JD not caught her---she would still be having sex with her lover, as I write this

JD claims she was shocked---he is giving her a free pass---she was in no way shocked---she knew what she was doing---for 2 or more months she carried on---and each and every time she went to her lover, you think she didn't know what she was doing, and think about what she was doing----she certainly DID NOT think about her H, and kids---as she had her sex

The biggest disrespect, is bringing/allowing her lover to take her in her own home---THE HOME OF HER FAMILY

I wonder whose idea that was---her lover must be crowing to all his friends, about how he took another mans wife in the betrayed mans castle

Why would JD bother to call lover---do you think lover really gives a care that he was told to stop---the lover has already got what he wants---he could care less what betrayed thinks

All of these little goodies---add up to a wife who did not give a rats you know what about her family, and actually still may not---and this poor betrayed--is thinking he has the situation solved and under control---well how do you control your SUB--CONSCIOUS, and all the moments when you are alone, and the visions just come up in your mind day after day---how do you control that---that is what his good and wondrous wife has given him as a gift for the rest of his life---WHETHER HE R'S OR NOT


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Joe Dirt said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost 22 years and we have a great marriage. No, you don't, you just thought you had a great marriage.
> 
> It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor. So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her.
> 
> ...


Sorry if this is harsh, but it seems like you are making one excuse after another for her. Maybe you should put marriage counseling on hold and meet with an individual counselor. I mean you are a guy that quit a job because your boss lied....yet you understand your wife betraying you in such a heinous manner.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Having sex 4 times(or eve more times)is a very conscious and deliberate act.. And to do it in your house, in your bed, she must have planned it. She was lying to you repeatedly during this time. Accept the extent of betrayal(much more than sex) that happened before you think about reconciling.


And why do you think you have the whole truth now?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Joe R or D is going to be your choice. Can you deal with your wifes A and can you deal with her have slept in your bed with him. I know you have a lot invested and I am sure you want to give it a shot but make sure you think it through.

Regardless of R or D you need to expose. The POS has a GF she needs to know. As far as the Gym goes, she never goes back to that one. That should be a deal breaker.

Whatever you decide make sure you are in IC you will need it. You also need to find a good friend to talk with about this stuff. Your emotions are going for a ride on a roller coaster.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Expose far and wide. 

Forgiving your wife is not a one step process. You need to tell yourself everyday "I forgive her, I forgive her, I forgive her" why? "Because I love her" 

So everyday you have to start anew, to forgive her again because she has permanently changed you! 

It seems as though you are choosing R, its a tough road. You have to play parole officer for a while and if ever you get a gut feeling, don't ignore it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Joedirt, you need to have you and your WW tested for STD's.

Where in the house did OM and WW go at it?

In your bed, throw that bed out and buy your self a new one.
This is needed to be done to rid your house of triggers.

However many a BH will find selling the house and moving needs to be done because after replacing furniture the house will still be the scene of the crime and the BH will never heal from continued triggering.

Next your WW can not work with the OM. During a WS's affair a brain chemistry takes place that causes the WS to get a high from their AP. As with any addiction the addict must never be near the source of their addiction. A drunk has can not go into a bar. It will cause him to drink.

The same is for a WW. Your WW did not end her affair because she was mad at the OM. WW was caught. Your WW brain will trigger chemical responses for her to crave the OM whenever there is contact between them. Having WW restarting the affair.

So if WW has not quit that job she must leave the job today.

As to the story about that the OM wore condoms. That story is just a fairy tale.

I have been on infidelity forums for many years and I am sorry to say that your WW and OM went bare back.

You have not been given the whole truth. You have seen your WW trickle truth you. WW held back till she felt safe enough to admit that she banged OM in your home.

Because WW admitted that she had OM in your house does not mean that WW was telling you the truth about the condoms.

This is why you must schedule a polygraph test for WW to take.

You schedule the poly. Then tell the WW the date for the test. As the date get close WW's trickle truth some more info out. Then the WW will claim that all the all the truth is out there so cancel the test. This is just a WW ploy to get the test cancelled.

Don't cancel the test. Tell WW the test is on to confirm everything.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Also you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This part is hard but crucial to a marriage surviving an affair. If you are determined to R you must make a concious decision to forgive and not bring this up repeatedly as a weapon. If you are going to forgive then forgive. If you are unable to do that it will ultamately end badly after a long time of painfull arguments.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe,
If you decide to do as she suggested with re to the divorce papers in your favor, be sure to have them reviewed by a top notch lawyer competent and specializing in family law. 

I'm sure the language has to be just "so". For example, if you divorce due to "suspected" cheating - the agreement won't hold up. Be sure there is specific language as to what constitutes "cheating" (kissing, dating, oral, etc) I can foresee massive challenges to a poorly written agreement hastily signed. 

Also, disabuse yourself of the idea that "you can't live without her" it simply isn't true. 

You may see your bed, sofa, etc as "just furniture" and really that's what it is at it's most basic level. But in the psychological level it is a symbol of your entire marriage, of your manhood, of her commitment.

I'll guarantee you that the OM saw it (and perhaps your wife too) as a conquest like no other. A symbol of your total subjugation and his unquestionable dominance. She AGREED to this arrangement. 

Yes, you can reconcile but be clear about what occurred. She wasn't "out of body" she was completely in control of herself. Any denial of this is a blatant lie and a manipulative move to exonerate herself.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks for all the posts; here is a quick update of our situation:
She agreed to a poly and actually asked to move it from later in the week to tomorrow! She already scheduled the STD test. I will report results to both when I know more.

I also got a VAR today but haven't installed it yet
JD


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> Thanks for all the posts; here is a quick update of our situation:
> She agreed to a poly and actually asked to move it from later in the week to tomorrow! She already scheduled the STD test. I will report results to both when I know more.
> 
> I also got a VAR today but haven't installed it yet
> JD


So far Joe that sounds promising, if she passes trust BUT VERIFY! Good luck.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

How does the Poly work? Do I submit questions? Any advice?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> Thanks for all the posts; here is a quick update of our situation:
> She agreed to a poly and actually asked to move it from later in the week to tomorrow! She already scheduled the STD test. I will report results to both when I know more.
> 
> I also got a VAR today but haven't installed it yet
> JD


Good for you.

Do not make it easy for her. After the poly take her to your lawyers office. Make her sign the home over and custody of the kids if she ever pulls this crap again.

I have a friend that did just that. Guess what? He now has the house and the kids. His wife is much younger than yours and really screwed up. 

It took her over a year to truly realize what she did, has done and needs to do. 

Sadly they are divorced with very young kids.

Do not make that mistake. Show her consequences today, tomorrow and in the future if she ever pulls this stunt again.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Get a post-nup drawn up and signed asap!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> How does the Poly work? Do I submit questions? Any advice?


From what I understand you can submit 3 questions to the examiner. He asks a lot of other 'baseline' questions to establish a pattern and then asks again with the 3 questions intermingled. Think of what you want to ask. 

Your examiner may allow more than 3 but don't count on that. Ask about his certifications and experience. What he thinks about reliability.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Joe Dirt said:


> How does the Poly work? Do I submit questions? Any advice?


Recently I read about a spouse giving the cheating spouse 3 pages of questions about the affair.... saying please answer every question. A few days later they go for the polygraph. The only question asked was "did you answer the questions on the list given to you honestly."


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Get a post-nup drawn up and signed asap!


Do this..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Joe Dirt said:


> Thanks for all the posts; here is a quick update of our situation:
> She agreed to a poly and actually asked to move it from later in the week to tomorrow! She already scheduled the STD test. I will report results to both when I know more.
> 
> I also got a VAR today but haven't installed it yet
> JD


Joe,
I needed the details, it was something I had to have so I know what I was forgiving.

But now after three years of R I would say the #1 guestions is will this happen again.

I'm no expert but get a consultation with the examiner before the test and discuss the questions and more importantly the wording.

In my case I know what my FWW did she was very forthcoming with the ughly details that I asked for. What I find important now after 3 years is will it happen again. 

Its not a good questions cuz in her mind it won't so I see her passing. But in the same breath a better question is her curiosity still there with regards to othe partners.

Again the questions asked can give you a false positive...what that means is she doesn't know. so asking a question about the future is not the best IMHO. But if you want to know if a rubber was used I think you will get an accurate result of being a lie or a truth. 

I think asking a questions about the future is a waste of time unfortunately.

Consult with the examiner is your best bet in having the questions you know are more yes or no rather then a question of feeling. There is a fact...was it in your bed...then there is a feeling..are you remorseful.

I took one when I was a kid, it was inconclusive. I was shot. I was not involved with the crime that got me shot, put I was a criminal. So Even though I was not in no way involved with the crime being commited, I was at the wrong place at the wrong time with a felony of my own...hence the LDT.

Did your wife feel bad for the affair=inconclusive. Did she allow the AP in to your bed room= conclusive. See the difference.

Did she feel bad for having unprotedted sex=inconclusive. Did she allow unprotectied sex to accure= conclusive.

Its all in how the examiner asks the questions and the different ways he asks the same question will give you the best results.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

You control the poly, not her!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> You control the poly, not her!!


Ask "was this the only affair?"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A good place to find a good tester is to ask the policewho they use.

The questions need to be short with a yes or no answer.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Just be aware polygraphs are not always accurate. People who are telling the truth can fail the test just like some who are lying can pass. Google accuracy of polygraphs and read carefully before you hang your marriage on one. Basically you are just getting a professionals opinion on if your spouse is telling the truth or not. You are not getting absolute evidence.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

I agree about the accuracy of the poly I think I will give me some peace of mind. I think the fact that she agree to do it and asked for the earliest possible appointment are really good signs.

I am thinking about the following questions (all yes or no):
Was this your first affair?
Was there any oral sex resulting in ejaculation?
Was there any vaginal sex resulting in ejaculation without a condom?
Were there more than 5 occurrences of vaginal sex during this affair?
During the affair, did you have intercourse in your house more than once?

We have a big day tomorrow with a Poly, STD test and MC in the evening.

JD


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Joe Dirt said:


> I agree about the accuracy of the poly I think I will give me some peace of mind. I think the fact that she agree to do it and asked for the earliest possible appointment are really good signs.
> 
> I am thinking about the following questions (all yes or no):
> Was this your first affair?
> ...



Here are few thinks to think about before your polly..This really striked out,big time

He NC 

My wife followed up with a NC letter *and very stern discussion about how he wronged her.*Ehh.

*There will be no additional communication between the two* This would have been fine with me.But why give this info,warning perhaps..as *I am(you) watching her cell phone log, all texts, and have a tracking device on her phone.*OM needed to this because?? Sorry my friends.That to me is a HUGE read flag.. She* welcomes all these things and will do anything I ask on the transparency front. * Of course she is.
She has had no consequences up to now...Just watch out for a burner phone


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Questions

Was this your only affair?

Did you use condoms

Did you have sex more than X times?

This gives the veracity of her answers to you and shows if she is a liar or not. Maybe


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

If he teaches at the Gym/Club and is a Predator on women, you also need to inform the Gym/Club of what is going on.

Post him on Cheatersville.

Also,

Understand, your wife only revealed to you because you found out. She may still be in the "Fog" and has not fully understood what she has done, nor has made the break. 

If a married woman has Sex with another man multiple times, to the point that she would defecate on your married house by having sex there, the Affair is not only Physical but also Emotional, at least on her part. She has a bound with that POS.

Questions also:

Did she have Sex with the POS and then come home and have Sex with you? Need to know if you had SS.

Did she have OS with the POS and then come home and kiss you?

What ways did she contact the POS besides by phone etc? 

Where else did she have sex with the POS?

Did she do anything with the POS that she refuses to do with you?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good Luck today Joe Dirt.

And if you find no new information today or she does not admit anything else before the poly that is a good sign she is telling you all the truth.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Second chance.... Heck no!

I wouldn't trust her. You can't even trust she's telling you the full truth. People who cheat lie. Once that trust is broken, the marriage is over.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Questions also:
> 
> *A couplr of modifications to these to make them more YES or NO type questions:*
> 
> ...


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

No changes or additions to the story last night. Poly today at noon.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Another question
Has there been any conact with OM after XXXX date?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hate to say this--but you are gonna blow 3 to 4 hundred dollars on nothing more than some details

You already know she spread her legs for him a number of times, at least one being in your own home----whether they wore a condemn or not---gets into other channels of why and what for---and your STD, is what is important

If you are gonna stay with this woman, you need to make sure she never goes anywhere that gym again---you need to set up a spying system, in case they are still at it---underground, you need to get her to sign a POST NUP--with a duress clause---you need to set in some very heavy boundaries, with ACTIONABLE consequences----she needs some accountability---what that means to you---is up to you----what it should mean is for now and into the future she loses her cushy lifestyle as she now knows it----make her get a job---

Make sure she understands that from now on she is responsible for half of the marital bills, including, utilities, car and house payments, all types of insurance payments, anything needed for the necessities of every day living----if she has to go out and bring in half of what is needed, maybe she won't have time to listen to men come on to her, with their problems, which by the way, was a set up, by her lover, to reel her in, maybe she won't have time to trot her lover into your house and spread her legs for another man, right there where her own flesh and blood children live-----maybe, just maybe she will re-assume the role of a mature woman

Also understand this, she is at the following point----if you D her, she now will be out in the big wide world, with the tag of adultress, mother of 2 kids, and single----she is GONNA HAVE to find one maybe more jobs, to make it on her own, and depending on how big the population center where you live is, there may or may not be any decent men for to even hook up with---there are good guys out there in the older age brackets, but there are a whole lot more creeps out there also----she is not facing a pretty future, if you D., and SHE DARN WELL KNOWS IT----she is gonna fight with everything she has to keep you tied to her----so next question becomes, why---does she just want you as a bank, and to keep her lifestyle, or does she truly love you---which at this point in time has to be a NO answer, cuz if she loved you, none of this crap of the last 2 months would have happened----you do not love someone, and go and spread your legs for another, unless she is a master at compartmentalization, and if so, that leads to other problems, you would need to resolve

Problem with all of this---NONE OF IT IS GONNA HELP YOUR SUB--CONSCIOUS---none of it is gonna keep the visions from coming to you at 3 a m in the morning, or as you are alone driving somewhere, or as you sit alone at work---the visions and triggers, will remain, very possibly for the rest of your life----THAT, AND THAT ALONE, will be your biggest obstacle, to any type of R.,--why you might ask---cuz she is right there day after day, right in front of you to remind you of what she is, or was, during the months at the end of 2012, and into 2013.

If you leave, all of these things will eventually dissappear, as you start and get into a new life----its all on you and what you want to face for the rest of your life!!!!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I disagree.

Some BS's can recover. They are strong enough to overcome those feelings and build a new marriage.

Reconciliation is not for everyone.

But it is his choice and he is early on this road.

So let's be open minded and allow him to do his due diligence.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jnj express said:


> I hate to say this--but you are gonna blow 3 to 4 hundred dollars on nothing more than some details
> 
> You already know she spread her legs for him a number of times, at least one being in your own home----whether they wore a condemn or not---gets into other channels of why and what for---and your STD, is what is important
> 
> ...


Good points and just something to think about that's all.:iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

JD is gonna do what he wants---all, any of us can do, is give him our opinions

But what I said, is fact and everyone of those points come into play

Also as has been said---many betrayeds suck it up, and get thru the infidelity---BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE NOT AFFECTED, AND HURT, AND AGONIZE, over what has been done to them, and in many cases if a betrayd stays these feelings/visions/triggers NEVER go away.

For those who have successfully R'd, I know you still remeber, and you occasionally trigger, or have reactions---it goes along with human frailty----what the cheating spouse has wrought, can never, and never will be UNDONE


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jnj express said:


> JD is gonna do what he wants---all, any of us can do, is give him our opinions
> 
> But what I said, is fact and everyone of those points come into play
> 
> ...


It needs to be added that divorce is hard too. The triggers do not go away because you divorce. That's my experience.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

jnj express said:


> JD is gonna do what he wants---all, any of us can do, is give him our opinions
> 
> But what I said, is fact and everyone of those points come into play
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have read about second yr itch as WSs call it. Its nothing else but the BS who are willing to forgive and try everything to make sure that the WSs stay loose this enthusiasm at around second yr of their R. This is the time Bss come out of the BSs fog see the damage infidelity has done on them. This is the time when a BS leave the marriage or have a revenge A to validate their ego and self esteem.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Good luck on the poly Joe.

Does your wife still teach at the same gym?


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

Wow- passed the Poly with a 4.6% chance of being deceitful.
Asked the relevant questions: first affair, affair over, Protection used, times in house
All answers were as she already told me. 
Positive first step and I feel bad about making her do that but she made her bed (pun intended)

she still works at the same gym but POSOM has left for fear of me kicking the crap out of him.
JD


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> Wow- passed the Poly with a 4.6% chance of being deceitful.
> Asked the relevant questions: first affair, affair over, Protection used, times in house
> All answers were as she already told me.
> Positive first step and I feel bad about making her do that but she made her bed (pun intended)
> ...


Haul that bed out in the back yard , douse it with charcoal fluid and make her stand there and watch as you burn it. Good visual representation of the old marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

IMO she should quit. Toxic environment.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good news, now what is she going to do to affair proof the marriage? Give her some time to write this down she has to figure this out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Consequence of her horrible actions: She can't work out in meat markets (AKA Gyms) any more.


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## grizz (Jan 29, 2013)

Joe,

A lot of users are suggesting that you forgive her. I personally disagree with all of them. I know you love your wife, but to be honest, her account of what happened is what she wanted you to hear. The fact that she admitted it is, for lack of a better term, admirable, but the bottom line is that she cheated. Four times. I can only ask myself how a woman can receive "brief" oral from a guy, and be shocked. She knew what she was doing. I am also very black and white, and I find it impossible to stomach her bullsh*t. You have to ask yourself, say the tables were turned, do you think she'd give you a second chance? She has desecrated your marriage, forsaken her vows and tainted 22 years of faithful marriage. I say get those favorable divorce papers and get out. She cannot be trusted, and no amount of tears, sex or "punishment" is ever going to rescind her infidelity. I know that I wouldn't be able to maintain the facade of a happy marriage, when every minute of it would be spent distrusting my wife, and lamenting on very reasonable suspicions. In any case, good luck my man, I hope you make the right decision, and soon!


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

I understand what you are saying but the favorable divorce papers are for deterrent purposes only. I would be violating my word if I had her sign them and then filed. Whatever the final outcome I will maintain my own personal moral code even if others around me fail.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> I understand what you are saying but the favorable divorce papers are for deterrent purposes only. I would be violating my word if I had her sign them and then filed. Whatever the final outcome I will maintain my own personal moral code even if others around me fail.


Trust but verify for the near future it's a rocky road.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Joe Dirt said:


> I understand what you are saying but the favorable divorce papers are for deterrent purposes only. I would be violating my word if I had her sign them and then filed. Whatever the final outcome I will maintain my own personal moral code even if others around me fail.


Are you going to try to give R a shot?

Remember - some betrayed spouses feel they need to R but down the road they realize that the affair was actually the deal breaker that they cannot get over. Or that the post-affair wife is not someone they can be married to.

It seems that the bottom line is that she got curious and screwed the OM (her story). But why was one time not enough for her? Why did she keep going back and why did she feel OK with bringing him into your home? What happens when she gets "curious" about another man that she feels attracted to?

All will tell you that once they cross that line, it get easy the next time.

Your decision but go into it with realistic expectations.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

I am working on R. If there is any evidence of a re-lapse I will file the favorable D papers that are in the safety deposit box along with the poly results.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You know it is possible to divorce her AND reconcile with her. By divorcing you are putting the old marriage (which was obviously not as healthy as you thought it was out of its misery), gives you some closure, and gives her the opportunity to prove to you that she is worth a second shot. 

Filing will either bring out the woman who wants to fight for her marriage, or it will cause the real her to come out of the shadows and show herself for the mean selfish monster she may be (my prediction). 

If she earns the right to be your wife you can re-marry her and start over fresh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Joe, are you going to let her continue to work at the same place? Have you considered the problems with that? When working on R oftentimes a clean slate is not only advisable it is necessary both for the BS and the WS. If she stays there won't she continue to experience the environment that the affair started and culminated in. Will she be able to mentally move on from the deceitful person she was during the affair if everything she sees on a daily basis reminds her of that person?


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

Given the body of evidence I have today and with the steps I am taking (including spying via VAR and other methods) I think (and will confirm) she is the woman that wants to fight for her marriage not the selfish monster.
I have told her that after 6 months she can ask me to re-marry her. I can accept or refuse based on her actions. Hence me selling my old wedding ring.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe,
Don't let her think "it's all over" because she didn't lie. You should ask some more questions such as: where else did they meet, who knew or supported the affair, what family problems did she discuss with him, what did she tell him about you.

And I completely agree w everyone else, no gym. The OM surly told all his buds that workout with him. In time, at least one will have a go at her knowing she's BTDT. 

As someone else suggested, she needs to get a paying job and pay half of all expenses. If you divorce later, you might not get taken to the cleaners.

If it were me, I could never sleep in that house again. You know how much gall it took to take him there? He sat at your table, peed and deficated in your toilet, defiled your couch or bed. Smirking the whole time. That's a story he'll proudly tell all his friends. No f'ing way!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I am not familiar with American law that much but why the divorce papers signed and hidden and not post-nuptuals?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Gyms are notorious here for wives being seduced. Also, wives that go on GNOs, have long distance relstionships and travel for a living. Of course the worst seem to be workplace affairs. Your wife falls into two of those situations.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

becasue we both value custody of the kids more than money. She can have the sports car and any amount of money as long as I have the kids. This is more of a deterrent than money could ever be.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

I hear all this advice and I respect your opinions but as a child of an alcoholic I can normally tell when people are sincere. Although I had a lapse it was because I have had 22 years of not thinking it could ever happen in my home again. Now that I am aware I will be over zealous and paranoid. 

Please keep the advice coming but for now I plan to R with a lot of trust but verify.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, I agree with your decision to R because ofbyour kids.

If you feel like you are having a hard time, and its likely, find a counselor that has experience with PTSD. Other betrayed folks that have been in battle recomend this regularly.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife worked at that gym, and he worked at that gym---they both know a pot full of people there, and i am sure that contacts are all over the place

Don't be so sure he left cuz he thot you were gonna put some muscle on him---but he has left, maybe???----how do you know he now doesn't come in there as a patron, or just to talk to peple he knows----YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO LEAVE THAT GYM YESTERDAY

You state you are gonna R, with trust, but verufy---if you immediately trust her, your verification methods, will disappear quickly----you better become a parole officer, and NOT trust for a good period of time

You are just being way to easy on your wife about this---you have let her right back into this mge, with no accountability/consequences whatsoever---so you have a signed set of D papers big deal----she cheated on you and got away with it, and if she hadn't been sloppy, you still wouldn't know

She now has a propensity to cheat, and believe me she will now know how to get away with it---if there is a next time---JUST WATCH YOURSELF------she is out of this mess clean, and she now knows she can get away with cheating and there will basically be nothing done by you!!!!!!!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> becasue we both value custody of the kids more than money. She can have the sports car and any amount of money as long as I have the kids. This is more of a deterrent than money could ever be.


All divorce agreements must be approved by a judge. IMO There's absolutely NO WAY a judge will honor a pre arranged agreement for you to have full custody if she challanges that agreement. She's a SAHM you work full time. Case closed. Courts act on behalf of the best interest of children. They try to maintain status quo and stability. Cheating plays no role in most states.

Did you have a top drawer lawyer specializing in family law review the agreement? If not, it probably won't stand legal scrutiny. Protect yourself. You're in a hurry to have things get "back to normal" and put this behind you.

You can have a successful R, but be smart. Sharpen your wits.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

How much time has she been working at gyms?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Good luck. I hope it all ends well in your favor. I don't have any advice in R. 

I was the BS in my first marriage. I never did get the truth from my ex h. I didn't need to either. I knew we were done. 

I do know of a few couples in my life who have successfully reconciled after their affair.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Why are you resisting so much advice?

Not the 'don't R' nonsense. It can happen. It can happen. It's been done...frequently.

She needs to quit that gym. She is known there as an easy piece. She has 'memories' there. "Oh...that's where we shared a protein beverage. Shaken, not stirred." "That's where he kissed me the first time." "That's where I first felt him press his rampant penis against me when we danced."

You have your mental movies and triggers. Do you want HER to be able to relive those memories every time she tries to get her 'buff' on?

She needs to quit, and the management needs to know so she is OFFICIALLY a scarlet woman there.

You are also totally avoiding exposure. I understand why. I do. You don't want to look like an idiot or a wimp. You don't want HER reputation to be ruined by what you see as a overcomeable mistake.


You are being sympathetic, caring and reasonable. It won't work.

At the VERY least, she needs her parents to know. She needs to tell them herself. She doesn't get to go to Mom's and ***** about how you are an uncaring monster...that you leave the toilet seat up...and that you 'said that horrible thing'. Because her mother will take her side and look at you like the face of evil.

She put another man's penis in her vagina! That trumps a hell of a lot of so called emotional distress. It is emotional distress on steroids.

So she doesn't get to be Miss Perfect. It will be painful to shatter that image. She will NOT want to repeat that experience and transition from 'the girl who made a single horrible to mistake' to 'the girl who can't keep her panties on.'

A relapse and she gets to tell YOUR parents.

She deserves scrutiny and probing questions from the people who know her best (it isn't you.) The third degree she'll get from mom will help keep her on the straight and narrow.

Think of that as getting her some personal trainers in fidelity.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He ignores all talk of her working at the gym.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Joe,

You are too quick to R, usually a mistake. Please read other threads.

The divorce papers are pretty useless. 

Get some real legal advice. I would also ask her to move out. You need control and unfortunately you think you do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Joe Dirt said:


> I hear all this advice and I respect your opinions but as a child of an alcoholic I can normally tell when people are sincere. Although I had a lapse it was because I have had 22 years of not thinking it could ever happen in my home again. Now that I am aware I will be over zealous and paranoid.
> 
> Please keep the advice coming but for now I plan to R with a lot of trust but verify.


Hold on to your decision to R for a little while. Give it a month or two even if you decide to stay in the marriage for now... Let the emotions settle down before you actually decide to reconcile. and while revenge is not the intention or the end goal, your non-commitment to R should give her enough time to think about what she did. You don't suddenly decide f*xk someone at your home. You need to clearly find out on how she reached the mental state where she was ok with being so apathetic and borderline cruel to you and your feelings


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Gyms are notorious here for wives being seduced. Also, wives that go on GNOs, have long distance relstionships and travel for a living. Of course the worst seem to be workplace affairs. Your wife falls into two of those situations.


Yeah, but what do you suggest, locking all women up in cages?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the VAR is his best bet to see how commited his wife is and the best way to protect him self from more deciet. 
It takes time but if its real she will regain some trust, she will never get the blind trust you once had, but thats on her and another consequences she'll have to face cuz of her actions.

If she realy wants this marriage she will except all the consequences for her bad behavior. Some of the consequences will go away as trust is rebuilds and the yeasr pass, but some consequences will be with her for the rest of the marriage....thats a hard pill to swallow for most waywards.

Trust but verify!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Joe,

The title of this thread is "Should I give her a second chance?" That really isn't the question is it? The question is not should you give her a second chance or even does she deserve a second chance. The question is what will a second chance result in? You have taken a couple of small steps but now it looks like you are rugsweeping her affair. I urge you to reconsider the current course you are on and make good decisions going forward. Otherwise you will be back here asking "Should I give her a third chance?"


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Re: R and the boob job.

Hope you're not seriously considering this. But if you are, you can PM me for advice. My wife got a boob job (against my advice) when she was in the midsts of her EA, 1 year before I discovered it and in preparation for the PA. Anyway, I now consider myself an expert on the use and care of fake boobs. Too bad I didn't have a better manual on person the fake boobs were attached to... :scratchhead:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Yeah, but what do you suggest, locking all women up in cages?


Curves.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Yeah, but what do you suggest, locking all women up in cages?


No, just the bat sh!t crazy ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> No, just the bat sh!t crazy ones.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why don't you say what you really feel. :rofl:


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

I think I need to explain the boob job comment. 
We live in the land of “bigger boobs while you wait” aka socal. That said my wife is the most ANTI-boob job person I have ever met. So this was not a case of me allowing her to get a boob job but a case of her doing something she would normally never do. I am really not interested in her doing that but I might make an appointment with a surgeon to see how serious she is in her commitment.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay away from the boob job, now is not the time for rewards.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> I think I need to explain the boob job comment.
> We live in the land of “bigger boobs while you wait” aka socal. That said my wife is the most ANTI-boob job person I have ever met. So this was not a case of me allowing her to get a boob job but a case of her doing something she would normally never do. I am really not interested in her doing that but I might make an appointment with a surgeon to see how serious she is in her commitment.


Well, you can't really do it unless your wife wants it - otherwise it's a form of mutilation/abuse.

If you BOTH decide to go ahead though - don't listen to the doctors who will say "80% of our patients say they wish they had gone bigger". Make sure they fit the frame and look natural. My stbxw was obsessed about her boobs. Her natural ones were B-cup - perky, and perfect, IMO. But she insisted stating (even angrily at times) "this is MY body. I am doing it for ME". So she did it. Turns out, she was in an EA with a man 12 years younger who apparently liked big boobs. My stbxw's frame is petit and her skin taut - so her fake boobs stick out instead of hanging naturally. As a result - you can see the under-boob scar-line when she is naked. Not my cup of tea.

You need to massage them vigorously post-op. At least twice a day. I helped with this... it was a tough job, but somebody had to do it.

And the funniest thing is my wife made me promise that I would not tell anybody. And I didn't until she cheated. Turns out that everybody knew but were too polite to comment. 

Ohh, and they changed her golf swing too - for the worse! :rofl:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't know where in so. calif., you are, but the whole area is full of con artists, and glorified physical experts in a number of different categories----most of them are phonies---and the number of guys that are "bad boys"---is a lot

So if you think you can just take what your wife has done, and then trust her, you better think again---If you are from out here, you know the games that are played, all over so calif---it is a tuff area to make a mge. work, if your partner, is of a mind to go looking for foreign spice

Your wife has already cheated on you once---once referring to the whole affair---YOU ARE DOING NOTHING BUT REWARDING HER

This is your ballgame I understand that---but if you do not wanna have to come and visit us again---you better toughen up your act

You are not taking away any of cushy pre-affair lifestyle----you went right back to having sex with her---she still works at the gym where the affair happened, and now you want to help her with a boob--job-------where is her accountability------


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Love has turned your black judgement to white. 

You are reconciling much too quickly? 

She sobs a bit after hurting you delibrately for so long and you take her back in one fell swoop? No consequences? No kicking her out?

If a tree falls and no one hears it, does it make a sound. No. Substitute affair for tree now. If someone does a bad thing and gets no punishment, then they believe the thing wasn't that bad and they do it again.

Expose now and be tough to her. Her tears (read every other thread in this forum, you're not special with crocodile tears and feelings of "true remorse") are clouding your judgement.

I am a skeptical person because i hope for the best but always expect the worst. You should do that as well.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

A boob job?

A BOOB JOB?!

Are you out of your flippin gourd?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Why not take the money for the tit lift and spend it on some new clothes for yourself, a manicure and pedicure, hair do and a five day trip to Bareclona? Hit the tapas bars and spend that cash wining amd dining some Spanish hottie. 

To heck with your WW. She's damn lucky you haven't tossed her out and she's not living in a box under a bridge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

She cheats, gets a Breast Job, annnnnd........ Keeps her Day Job????? The JOB has to GO. Your only making her more "marketable" in the same place she decided to cheat on you. WTF is going through your head BESIDES [email protected]???


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...where was your perceptiveness when she was going behind your back? Did she ring as sincere?

Is this hope talking or reality?

Don't trust your Spidey Sense to get this right. Too much is riding on it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Joe Dirt said:


> I think I need to explain the boob job comment.
> We live in the land of “bigger boobs while you wait” aka socal. That said my wife is the most ANTI-boob job person I have ever met. So this was not a case of me allowing her to get a boob job but a case of her doing something she would normally never do. I am really not interested in her doing that but I might make an appointment with a surgeon to see how serious she is in her commitment.


Wait what?

So, she doesn't really want it, you don't want it, and it isn't about her job?

To me, that means it is for someone that isn't you.


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

Updated status 3 weeks post D-Day
First off there will never be a boob job! I would never allow it and she would never actually go through with it. I just wanted to use the idea of a boob job as a litmus test (similar to the poly) to see how committed she is to doing ANYTHING to save our marriage.
Currently I feel I have the entire sad story and it was confirmed by the poly results (including condom use). The occurrence in our house was slightly less egregious than first reported- she didn’t plan it, he stopped by she was in the shower and he went into the house and into the room uninvited. She got out of the shower to find him there. It happened on the bed (mid afternoon) and although horrible was not the pre-planned, under the sheets, all night long type of incident. 
At this point I am committed to R with serious MC (3 sessions already), GPS phone locator, VAR in the house, car and gym bag, and my get out of hell free card (a safety deposit box with the poly results, her letter of what happened, and the divorce papers). 
At this point she has had no contact with the POSOM and we have had daily discussions on the entire affair. She has fully accepted responsibility for the affair even though I was initially quick to blame the POSOM. We are discussing and re-establishing our boundaries within our marriage. She is doing some really serious soul searching and I too am looking at what I was not providing in the marriage to make us more complete. 
I have extensive experience with addiction: alcoholic father, enabling mother, recovered alcoholic myself (sober 18+ years) and I don’t see an addiction here in this situation. I may be wrong but I don’t see my wife as a serial cheater/addict. I am going to be hyper paranoid for the next few years and I may be changed forever but at this point we are going to move forward.
A quote that sums is up nicely:
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Friedrich Nietzsche 
I will update you all in about 6 months (assuming we stay on track) or immediately with my divorce/dating plans if there is any indication of a re-occurrence.
Joe Dirt OUT.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Is she still at the gym?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I have extensive experience with addiction: alcoholic father, enabling mother, recovered alcoholic myself (sober 18+ years) and I don’t see an addiction here in this situation.


What about you being an enabler ? 

You are jumping into R far too quickly. take time..


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## Joe Dirt (Jan 28, 2013)

New studio not a traditional gym- better situation


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> New studio not a traditional gym- better situation


Is your wife working at the same establishment as she was at any point during her affair?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Take your time Joe. Let her know that for the next couple of years the marriage is up in the air. You make no promises to stay with her, even if she does everything you ask. No promises. None.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> ---------snip for brevity----------
> 
> A quote that sums is up nicely:
> What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Friedrich Nietzsche
> ---------snip for brevity----------


That quote is wrong. I don't know that Fred guy, but the quote is from Kelly Clarkson.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> That quote is wrong. I don't know that Fred guy, but the quote is from Kelly Clarkson.


Luv me some Kelly.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I think that quote goes like "What doesn't kill you, dies horribly".

/threadjack off


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> New studio not a traditional gym- better situation


Just answer the frigging question!

Is she, your wife, the woman you are attempting a reconciliation with, still attending the facility/building/business where she met that POS and started her affair?

And...she was in the shower. How exactly did he get into your house? Did she give him a key? Did she tell him where the key was? Or do you frequently leave your house unlocked?

(Change locks. And...that takes a lot of fvcking nerve to walk into a house where he doesn't know who will stop by when. Not to mention telegraphing his intentions with a stranger just waltzing into your house. Are you SURE about this?)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JCD said:


> And...she was in the shower. How exactly did he get into your house? Did she give him a key? Did she tell him where the key was? Or do you frequently leave your house unlocked?


Thanks JCD, this is exactly what I was wondering. It sounds like the plot from one of those cheesy hotel-porn movies. Maybe that's where she got the idea. I think the movie plot is cheesy but I wonder if they both thought that the 'play-acting' was hot. 

Did you ask if he pretended to be the pizza delivery boy? Cause that would seal the deal.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Joe Dirt said:


> Currently I feel I have the entire sad story and it was confirmed by the poly results (including condom use). The occurrence in our house was slightly less egregious than first reported- she didn’t plan it, he stopped by she was in the shower and he went into the house and into the room uninvited. She got out of the shower to find him there. It happened on the bed (mid afternoon) and although horrible was not the pre-planned, under the sheets, all night long type of incident.


Sorry, I don't believe this for a second. I do believe it may have been unplanned SEX, but as stated above who just walks in a locked or unlocked house besides a burglar or a rapist uninvited? Who feels it is okay to wait for a woman, taking a shower, in a house they shouldn't be in and then has sex?
No, at the least, he knew he was allowed in your house and bedroom.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, I don't believe this for a second.


The OM was walking up the stairs and tripped and she caught him with her vagina.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Thanks JCD, this is exactly what I was wondering. It sounds like the plot from one of those cheesy hotel-porn movies. Maybe that's where she got the idea. I think the movie plot is cheesy but I wonder if they both thought that the 'play-acting' was hot.
> 
> Did you ask if he pretended to be the pizza delivery boy? Cause that would seal the deal.


Was there bass music playing during the conversations? Really how on earth did he explain how he got in while she was in the shower?

I agree with others, don't jump towards R so easily.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, I don't believe this for a second. I do believe it may have been unplanned SEX, but as stated above who just walks in a locked or unlocked house besides a burglar or a rapist uninvited? Who feels it is okay to wait for a woman, taking a shower, in a house they shouldn't be in and then has sex?
> No, at the least, he knew he was allowed in your house and bedroom.


Or he had the key to the house. The whole thing sounds like a setup for a bad porno.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Nietzsche was an idiot. 

"What doesn't kill me most times leaves me injured for life trying to learn how to live with a horrible limp" in my experience

...just saying.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Or he had the key to the house. The whole thing sounds like a setup for a bad porno.


Exactly!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> Updated status 3 weeks post D-Day
> First off there will never be a boob job! I would never allow it and she would never actually go through with it. I just wanted to use the idea of a boob job as a litmus test (similar to the poly) to see how committed she is to doing ANYTHING to save our marriage.
> Currently I feel I have the entire sad story and it was confirmed by the poly results (including condom use). The occurrence in our house was slightly less egregious than first reported- she didn’t plan it, he stopped by she was in the shower and he went into the house and into the room uninvited. She got out of the shower to find him there. It happened on the bed (mid afternoon) and although horrible was not the pre-planned, under the sheets, all night long type of incident.
> At this point I am committed to R with serious MC (3 sessions already), GPS phone locator, VAR in the house, car and gym bag, and my get out of hell free card (a safety deposit box with the poly results, her letter of what happened, and the divorce papers).
> ...


Well, I posted a thought re the whole "accidental romp in your bed" but if you can let it go. Okay. Good luck. Do update as things develop. It will be helpful to other posters that come here after you to see if your approach works. 

And BTW in your Intro Post you called yourself a "black and white" kinda guy. What do the "shades of grey" guys do in your neighborhood cause they're influencing you quite a bit. 

Anyhoo good luck


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

How could the OM be 100% sure that you or kids wouldn't be home when he just showed up and walked in the house?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

TBT said:


> How could the OM be 100% sure that you or kids wouldn't be home when he just showed up and walked in the house?


I can get the husband and kids. They work or have school.

But how does he know a neighbor might not stop by, or even note his arrival and blasé attitudetowards entering the house?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

JCD said:


> I can get the husband and kids. They work or have school.
> 
> But how does he know a neighbor might not stop by, or even note his arrival and blasé attitudetowards entering the house?


I agree.My referring to the H and kids was simply me thinking he would be pretty ballsy unless he knew work/school routine hadn't changed at last minute.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Joe Dirt said:


> Updated status 3 weeks post D-Day
> First off there will never be a boob job! I would never allow it and she would never actually go through with it. I just wanted to use the idea of a boob job as a litmus test (similar to the poly) to see how committed she is to doing ANYTHING to save our marriage.
> Currently I feel I have the entire sad story and it was confirmed by the poly results (including condom use). The occurrence in our house was slightly less egregious than first reported- she didn’t plan it, he stopped by she was in the shower and he went into the house and into the room uninvited. She got out of the shower to find him there. It happened on the bed (mid afternoon) and although horrible was not the pre-planned, under the sheets, all night long type of incident.
> At this point I am committed to R with serious MC (3 sessions already), GPS phone locator, VAR in the house, car and gym bag, and my get out of hell free card (a safety deposit box with the poly results, her letter of what happened, and the divorce papers).
> ...


The great scientific achievement of the 20th. Century, the polygraph, verified the truthfulness of her story.

Who are we -all of us skeptics- to question the reliability and accuracy of The Polygraph?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

JD, the fact is, you have come here for advice. Many people have given freely. And you are free to choose which you take and which you don't. But for god's sake, don't just dismiss all questions as the pure stupidity/sarcasm at which some have been put. They are some serious things for you to think about, and hopefully give you some things to think about. 

Exactly how does a man walk into your house while your wife is in the shower? Surely this is a criminal offense! Why would she have sex with him when he had been so blasé? So rude! There must have been some communication here, there must have been something! No way would a man in his right mind do that. Does he have mental health issues?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Joe , how did  he just happen to come in the house? You in the habit of leaving doors unlocked? He did he know where she was?

Sorry, I do not buy the story, way too innocent up to the point, of oops and we has sex.

Burn the bed, burn the sheets, throw out the nice sexy undies she wore for him.

Have you exposed the scum bag to his GF? Have you reported him and the affair to the owners of the club?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Joe Dirt
I think your head is on tight and you both want your marriage to work.

I like your security measures being held at the bank. Good for you.

Fight for your marriage and do not let your wife make any excuses either.

She needs to do the heavy lifting as well.

I think in a few months she is going to be broken hearted about her horrible actions.

Time will tell.

Give us an update in the future.

PS
If the OM ever reappears beat his @ss like he deserves.


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