# Looking for advice



## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

I am looking for a little advice/opinions. Be it anything I haven't thought of in the legal aspect, or in the emotional aspect. Here's my story.

My husband and I have been together since he was 14 and I was 15, a total of 10 years. We've been married for 4 and have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. I am also 7 months pregnant with his first son. Never thought I'd be sitting where I am today, which is one of the hardest emotional battles I fight daily. I have been a stay at home mother/wife for 4 years and have been an online student for about 2 1/2.

Three weeks ago today he came to me telling me he was unhappy and had never gotten to "live his life". Although it's a decision he made, he left his mother's home and we started our life together immediately, so I understood that aspect. However, as things progressed it all started not to make sense. He tells me this Sunday evening (Aug 28) and is home Monday to pack his things and leave. Claims he's staying with a friend from work but turns all navigation on his phone off which is unusual and refuses to tell me where he's "staying". Tells me it's not my business. I couldn't understand that because he is my husband and here I sit expecting his second child. Found out a couple of days into it he'd been texting someone numerous times daily. That all started Aug 22nd, the week before he left. After lying about it he finally told me it was a girl from work who he'd mentioned to me that week before. Said it was work related. That Thurs I found out there were a total of 312 texts between them in an 8 day period. Work related? How convenient there weren't that many texts to anyone else at work, AND they only took place during work hours not when he had left us to stay with his "friend". He came home that Thursday night, turns out this girl had family coming down that Friday and stayed until that Monday; I couldn't help but wonder about that. We had a great weekend, and he reassured me he was where he wanted to be and he was sorry, even though I wasn't sure what exactly he was sorry for. Sure enough Tuesday rolled around and he was ready to leave us again. He came home that Wed and packed and left again. For an entire week he's telling me that he's just trying to put his mind at ease and knows this is where he wants to be. We only saw him last Saturday for 2 hours as he came home to cut the grass. I had to ask him if he wanted to talk to our daughter. I mean I truly thought he was trying to figure it all out and would eventually. I knew him continuing to see this girl was a bad idea because he'd made it clear he thought VERY highly of her the weekend he'd come home. So he told me last weekend that he'd be home by this weekend. Sunday in particular he said he'd be home Wednesday for good. Then proceeded to tell me this girl was going back to her home state for good. Another lie on top of the many he'd already told, because she's only been gone for this past weekend and comes back today. He continued to tell me he loved me and that deep down he wanted our marriage to work. Wednesday when he finally came home it was 5 before he got home and 7 when he went to bed. I'm left wondering what had gone through his head the week he was gone and where our marriage stood. Thursday I had to ask him. I'd seen they'd started texting again Wed and Thursday when there had been no texts between them the entire week he was gone. Thursday he informed me that he'd "made up his mind", without ever having discussed it with me, and that he had feelings for her and she had feelings for him. Once again a slap in the face. All the hope I'd been receiving from him was false hope. For 2 1/2 weeks. Friday I went and saw a divorce lawyer. Why shouldn't I have? He'd told me he'd "made up his mind" and I felt as though that's what he wanted ME to do, was make the move. I got the information I needed on what my options were and took it to him Friday when he got off work and came home. He turned it around, used the excuse "I'd gone to see a divorce lawyer" to walk back out the door, for the final time. Yet he'd just told me that he was waiting for and wanting ME to make the move the day before. So after I told him that he told me everything. He held up his key chain. Held up our house key and said "do you see this key? It's the key to our house". He then proceeded to go to a gold key on his key chain and said "You see this key? It's the key to her house". My heart had just been ripped from my chest. He told me that she'd already told him she loved him, but he had not done the same. He also told me that basically all but 1 night of the nights he was away from home he was staying with her. He claims it's more of a "roommate" thing than anything and he's just waiting for a buddy to get a place so he can move in with him. I don't care. His mother lives here; he could stay with her. He's got a buddy at work he claimed he was staying with the entire time that he could stay with. So why did I have to watch my husband walk out the door knowing he was going to her house? Here I sit 7 months pregnant, with a 3 1/2 year old daughter, and married, yet he has basically decided he's no longer a married man. The only times and reasons he'd come home? All because she either had family in town or she was out of town. Obviously it's more than he wants to claim it is. The million texts that have continued prove that, but what I do know is that adultery doesn't go far in Texas. I assume he can just claim no fault. But I can't help but feel the pain in that the first thing he did when he walked out the door Friday for the "final" time was text her. 

I'm not a mean person, but I've considered an anonymous phone call to his work and turning them in. She's a user of an illegal substance so why shouldn't I call CPS and report her? She does have an 8 year old child. I guess my anger is coming out more than anything now. The first thing in the morning is the hardest, but as I think throughout the day I cannot help but feel 100% betrayed and abandoned by the person I thought I loved and loved me deeply. Not to mention the fact that she proceeded to pursue a married man seeing that ring on his finger and knowing he had a daughter and was expecting a son. 

Instead of getting the temporary orders to pull him into court and ensure he's going to pay our bills like he claims, he just wants me to take his word. It's going to cost just over $350 to file for T.O. and divorce, which go hand in hand I found out, but he told me yesterday that if I pull that money out of the bank he would cut me out of the bank acct, after he'd told me the day prior he knew he'd have to pay for it. Obviously he wouldn't get far from that. I'm sitting unemployable until at least 6 weeks after the baby's born at this point and HE is the one who has walked out on US. He spent $100 yesterday between golfing and going to the bar AND spent $1100 on tires and wheels for his truck before he left again. Leaving him having to pull out a loan so I can pay mine and my child's bills, which I don't know when I'll get. How can I trust that person to not leave us in the dark or without water? Why should he care when he's got someone else to go to and has all of those necessities? Especially when he's talking about new girlfriends and such. We all know girlfriends aren't free or cheap. I've already been betrayed once. How could I sit around and wait? 

I think more than anything emotionally is where I suffer most. Thinking about everything that has unfolded the past 3 weeks just breaks my heart and I can only hope it gets easier as time goes on. He claims it's too soon to file for divorce, but as far as I'm concerned if he's left us this easily for another female it's the end. He just doesn't understand why I should take him to court and seek legal counsel. Do I want to continue to be his doormat? Definitely not. I think it's time I took a stand for myself and make this one sting. He can see what it feels like to be served papers and have to report to court as ordered. Besides, it takes 60 days before the divorce can be finalized and why do I want to sit around missing him when he's getting over me just to decide in a month he does want a divorce and then I'm left waiting another 60 days. It's just hard to decide what the best options are. I hear of people who work through these sorts of things, but how will I ever know he's going to want to come back to the family he's left behind? How can it be so easy for a father to walk out of this daughter's life and his soon-to-be son's life like they don't exist? Someone who told me just a month or two ago he was happily married. Is he making a mistake that he may realize at some point? Am I supposed to sit around and suffer and then possibly face having to take him back? He did state a week ago that he "wanted to have to come crawling back" and wanted to have to "chase me". But he meant down the road. From a guy perspective does that say anything? I honestly don't feel like I know my husband any more and have yet to find anyone who has opinions on these things. So any thoughts, opinions, advice, or encouraging words are definitely appreciated in this devastating time.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

SAHM for 9 years. I immediately went online and applied for food stamps and TANF and medicaid before he had the chance to promise to pay anything. I also applied for legal aid. In order to got these benefits you have to cooperate with child support enforcement and they will go after him. It all takes time though.


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

What do you mean by legal aid? Like there is government assistance for legal help in these situations? He tried to tell me last night to get welfare for all he cared but seems to think he won't have to pay for our food because "it's not a bill". I know that cannot be accurate. I don't have a problem cooperating with child support, but I know I will fight my daughter being at her home because I don't know where it is and she's on that illegal substance. I can only hope I have some control there. He doesn't seem to care to see her anyway unless I have to have him keep her for doctors appointments. I've initiated all contact between the two of them, which I will no longer be doing. If he wants to talk to her he can call. And when you say they will go after him do you mean from there they will fight for him to pay our bills and support us in these other means? Thanks for your response.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

TryingToKeepItTogether said:


> What do you mean by legal aid? Like there is government assistance for legal help in these situations? He tried to tell me last night to get welfare for all he cared but seems to think he won't have to pay for our food because "it's not a bill". I know that cannot be accurate. I don't have a problem cooperating with child support, but I know I will fight my daughter being at her home because I don't know where it is and she's on that illegal substance. I can only hope I have some control there. He doesn't seem to care to see her anyway unless I have to have him keep her for doctors appointments. I've initiated all contact between the two of them, which I will no longer be doing. If he wants to talk to her he can call. And when you say they will go after him do you mean from there they will fight for him to pay our bills and support us in these other means? Thanks for your response.


I am in FL..not sure about TX..I would just google search legal aid and your city or county. The legal aid here wouldn't consider me until I had his address so he could be served. So I had to wait for him to cough that info up, then I had to apply and be accepted(financial needs based). My first appt is tomorrow afternoon and from there I will decide whether I need to find a regular lawyer to fight harder since I'm not sure how much effort legal aid can afford to put forth. But I was able to circle divorce, child support and alimony on the legal aid application. 

My stbxh is self employed and has been blowing off work to deal with OW issues for over 3 weeks...so OW has been supporting him...I have so far seen $40, a bag of dog food, and $265 to cover half of the electric bill since August 26th,I had our wedding bands to sell $230, and $500 from my very part time work at home job..that currently has me on hold. The mortgage was already past due and we are still in the HAMP dance buying time...so I am not worried about that...and I am not sure what he is doing about the car payment that's in his name..I am always surprised when it's still sitting in my driveway in the morning..OW is paying for him to file bankruptcy. 

I just got medicaid cards in the mail on yesterday and am I am still waiting for the food stamp card to come in, I canceled my app for TANF since I wasn't going to qualify with $500 a month in income. 

I really don't know about housing assistance..since it looks like I will be moving to my mom's in the next month or two,and so far utility assistance has proved to be a dead end...although I do have an appt at the Salvation Army soup kitchen tomorrow morning to determine if I am eligible for 1 month emergency utility assistance..this type of thing strengthens my resolve to divorce my husband as quickly as possible. He also suggested that he would prefer me and the kids living in the projects over my mom's house. He thinks since I am applying for gov't assistance he is going to be let off the hook for child support/alimony....once they see his tax returns for the last decade and healthy 6 figure incomes year after year(until this year of course..stbxh's OW is one of his former employees..PA has been ongoing for 4 years) I have a feeling he's going to be stuck to the hook again very shortly.


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

I guess I was hesitant to apply for any government assistance. He makes over $2k bi-weekly so it's enough to pay the bills. He's said he will pay them, but expects me to sit around while he's with whoever doing whatever and just "take his word". No. The word Girlfriend came out of his mouth yesterday. What?! Do you really expect me to be okay with that JUST because you're paying the bills? No, these bills are his responsibility as are we. But I figured since I'm still married to him and he makes decent money I would be turned down. We also do have medical coverage through his job. He has, however, informed me that his position as a lead is suffering through all this, and I can only imagine he's going to let his job slip on the back burner with all this new found freedom. Again, why I want to make sure we're taken care of. But I guess maybe it wouldn't hurt to call someone and inquire. I guess at least until I get it legalized that he is going to pay the bills. I definitely have a lot of respect for you having been able to put up with him for so long. This has all unfolded in a 3 week period, but I cannot accept that my husband is just up and leaving his family, with no intention of coming back, to be with someone else. If he even half way acted like he cared about me it might be different, but he's completely turned his back to me and faced her. It hurts and I just have to be able to focus on what I have left and move forward in order to keep my sanity. I would like to thank you once again for your input. You definitely brought some other options into my eyes that I was not aware of. This is something I know absolutely nothing about and haven't even known where to start.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

The relationship had always been mentally abusive..I had been conditioned to bite my tongue and deal with whatever he was dishing out. By time I had enough of it..he was making 250k a year and could easily 'out lawyer' me..so I continued to put up and shut up for fear of losing my children..I really wish that I had the strength to leave sooner....even before OW came into the picture. Live and learn, at least I am getting out now and not throwing away another 10 years on him.


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

I've been down that road as well. Being the stay at home mother I was basically nothing and worthless according to him. I've always known better, but he would also throw our daughter in my face thinking he could get custody. Wrong again, but he doesn't want custody. Much of this stems from him running away from the responsibilities he helped create. He's about to turn 25 and obviously hadn't matured as I thought he had. There have been many times I've thought of leaving him, but knew after so many years it was possible for it to work. As you said you live and learn and that I have very much done because you never know what the person you've given your life to is willing to do to throw it all away.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Wow..your husband is an a$$.

Any man who walks out on his family like that is not a man in my opinion.

I agree with applying for any kind of assistance you may qualify. You have to look out for you and your children, since it's obvious he isn't going to. 

The chances of him and this OW having a healthy relationship is pretty slim to none. I wouldn't be surprised if he came crawling back to you.
I hope you'll be strong enough to say no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

He definitely is that. I deserve to be treated better than that anyway, but I definitely love him, especially after having grown and matured so much through the past 10 years together. We've overcome so many obstacles but to see how easily he's able to walk out the door is absolutely amazing to me. However, I cannot let him forget he has responsibilities and as bad as he originally wanted me to go home to GA when all this started I was not ready and willing to walk away from our marriage and family that easy. I have definitely concluded that I'm not married to a man, and unfortunately he's still a boy in my eyes. 

I'm continuing to gather my thoughts as to what exact route to go, and am actually now thinking of consulting with a second attorney. I feel as though I have completely and totally been disrespected in that he's walked out on his obligations to both his family and marriage. Also came across a couple of legal aide sites that will give me another starting point.

I cannot see this "fling" that has taken place over the past 3 weeks going very far either. No one in their right mind should be able leave their pregnant wife and daughter and expect to have this second female take him anywhere or for his conscience to catch up to him to what he's actually doing. It's apparent she's already getting on his nerves and he claims what he really wants is to live on his own. Either way it's wrong, but I'm still trying to accept it all. Not to mention that eventually something has to get out at work and I cannot imagine this relationship being acceptable between a lead and someone who reports to them. His place of employment is big on harassment and situations of the like; it is supposedly not acceptable and a big deal. He's already informed me that his position is suffering, so hopefully he's waking up in those aspects. Bottom line is that it is still hard to accept and not think about the fact that he left us and is "rooming" with her until one of his buddies gets a place. Unimaginable but shows just how selfish he really is. Then again, he's lied about virtually everything over the duration of this so what makes me think he's not still lying about not feeling any affection towards her all of a sudden. I truly hope I will be too. It's just such a big step bringing a second child in the mix and going home to Georgia to wonder if it ever could have worked out and he would have woken up realize how much his family really means to him. So many circumstances that makes the situation that much more complicated for me. Divorce should have been the last option but he's given no effort to truly attempt to work this out by staying with her and not giving himself time AWAY to figure it all out.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

Call 211, they will give you numbers to various resources in your area based on your zipcode. And they should be available 24/7. In MA my SIL tried applying for benefits after she had an affair and walked out...she was denied because she and my brother needed to be legally separated in order to not count his income as her own. Here in FL it didn't matter.legal aid doesn't offer legal separation so I am not sure it's even an option..I think they go straight to temp support orders and file for divorce. TX might have a different set of rules.


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

From what the first lawyer told me there really is no such thing as legal separation. It's basically in order to get it through the courts you file for Temporary Orders and with that comes divorce. It's all so confusing to me and I'm having to do it all alone. I guess it's just one step at the time. But I guess in order to find out if I'd qualify for anything starting with 211 would be a good place. I forgot about that. See if there is any assistance for the time being until at least I can get it legally bound at which point I shouldn't need any assistance. I just don't see how being paranoid isn't okay when someone just walks away and expects me to take his word. Leaving me no choice but to file and giving me nothing that says he has intention of returning. He says, "married couples break up all the time and get back together; not that I'm saying that would happen" but he's just so shallow when it comes to thinking about and figuring anything out what needs to be done. Once again leaving the responsibility on my plate. But thanks for pointing that one out as well because that's definitely another option.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Your husband is a total loser. Take him to the cleaners. In this case, I would recommend that you "woman up" - you and your children dont deserve this, and frankly at this point, you have to take their best interests to heart.

With how you are being treated now, is actually worse than if you divorced him and took him to court for spousal and child support. You will need to start leaning on family, if you have any to lean on. 

I wish I could knock some sense into your husband.


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

TryingToKeepItTogether said:


> He says, "married couples break up all the time and get back together; not that I'm saying that would happen"


Fine. You do what you need to do to feed you child...food stamps and other assistance until you file and garnishment starts. Then if/when he realizes that he made a mistake he can sit and stew while both of you seek counseling. And then YOU decide if you'll take him back....do not ...DO NOT..let him weasel his way back in to get the burden of garnishment lifted. He has to earn your trust...and that is going to take a long time...if you are truly what he wants..he will deal with his finances for as long as it takes.


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

My immediate response was divorce. Simply because there's no reason I should be sitting around after I've spent all this time taking care of him and his needs for 4 years while he leaves to live with some other female. It's like being told "Here, this has all meant nothing to me and I'm out" just like that. Not focusing forward is just going to lead to more heartache and I don't need that. I know that focusing on what steps are next for my family -1 are all I've wanted to do. But like many my weak moments do exist. But you are exactly right and I respect your post because I know it's true.

I have no family here, although his mom has informed me I am just as much his daughter as he is her son. However, she hasn't been incredibly emotionally supportive so I've had to turn to friends. When I get back to Georgia I'll have family to lean on, right now it's just through phone communications, which is still helpful. This has all been too devastating to me to not reach out, especially being left with a 3 1/2 year old and 7 months pregnant as though we've never mattered to him.

I refuse to just up and re root my daughter so quickly given this happened so suddenly. Then there's the issue of my Monday doctors appointment starting biweekly visits and I don't need to be having to move and start my entire life over in the situation I'm in and find a new health care provider. My view is wait for a divorce to go through in 60 days-or around that anyway, make him pay the bills since he walked away with no good reason, and continue to pay them through 6 weeks following the birth, then get custody figured out and set up my 25% child support on my way out the door. As I've been told at this point, "treat him as a bank account" and there's no reason I shouldn't at least until I'm actually able to get on my own two feet after the baby comes. To me it's only right and it's only fair. In the mean time I just have to deal with and manage the emotional hurt and pain of why this all came about.


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## TryingToKeepItTogether (Sep 18, 2011)

There would no doubt be consequences and ground rules IF I ever decided to take him back. I grew up in a family with my mother and father and have always valued that, making this that much harder. His parents divorced when he was young and he just thinks it's that easy. Counseling would be a definite even though he didn't agree to it when I asked him about it the first week. He said it was too expensive. What do I say? You just wait until you face paying for the divorce.

Financially I will not let him get away with coming back because it becomes difficult. I just don't see how he's going to do it. We don't have a lot of money, just a lot of bills and basically lived paycheck to paycheck. Not sure how he thinks living separately is going to work and me just trust his word. I just can't understand how he thinks it's not going to be financially difficult. His attitude is "Oh she just gets 25% and I'm through" but with his lifestyle I can only imagine he'll struggle; not that I care as long as he does his part to provide for his children. Pretty amazing how just a month and a half or so ago he was "happily married" and within the past 3 weeks I'm his worst enemy. Unbelievable. 



Set me FREE said:


> Fine. You do what you need to do to feed you child...food stamps and other assistance until you file and garnishment starts. Then if/when he realizes that he made a mistake he can sit and stew while both of you seek counseling. And then YOU decide if you'll take him back....do not ...DO NOT..let him weasel his way back in to get the burden of garnishment lifted. He has to earn your trust...and that is going to take a long time...if you are truly what he wants..he will deal with his finances for as long as it takes.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm not sure where in Texas you are... but I may have a lawyer for you.

I've been a legal assistant dealing with Family law in West TExas for 10 years... and you should definately file for divorce, request T.O., with child support, medical support, and temporary spousal support. He should also be required to pay your attorney fees.

You ALWAYS want to be the one who files first... and claim adultery. And honestly, the first attorney you consulted sounds like an @$$. Consult with someone else who is going to be on your side.

Also, I'd clean out his bank account right after he gets paid... and use that money to retain your lawyer. You can get a TRO that would restrain him from changing anything on the bank accounts.

Message me if you want a referral to a lawyer.


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