# The Porn question. Totally lost :(



## MrsC (Jul 2, 2011)

I know there is an active thread on this topic currently, but I'd like to get some advice specific to my situation if anyone would be so kind to read on and respond. I have heard and agonized about the "evils" of porn. But my husband is not addicted. We are not religious. I would love to hear from some men on the subject or some women who do not view porn in an entirely negative light.

My H and I have been married for about 1.5 years. Our relationship is impeccable in nearly all aspects. I am a very happy wife for the most part. We rarely fight, but if we do, it is always about porn. I swear if it wasn't for the porn problem, we would have ZERO problems and ZERO fights.

The porn is not replacing our sex, we have sex at least once daily, I offer him bjs a few times a week in addition to our usual sex. We have a very active sex life so no problems there. However, I still don't like my H watching porn. We see porn completely differently. He viewed porn as a young teenager. It's a "habit" to him, having nothing to do with me. While I see his point, it still bothers me that he looks and lusts after other naked women. I'm not kidding myself into thinking that he won't ever find another woman attractive...that's absurd. But I do believe there's a difference in noticing an attractive member of the opposite sex and seeking them out on the internet and masturbating to them....especially when you have a very healthy sex life. I NEVER say no. NEVER.

It's become a viscous cycle. He looks at porn. I get upset. He does it again and he hides it. I find out and get more upset. And so on and so forth. We have tried many different solutions. We have found that it doesn't bother me as much if I'm there (weird, I know, but for some reason it doesn't...guess it's the secretive factor). That worked for a while...he told me he wanted to watch it while I was home and he would. However, I can't lie that it still bothers me. Our most recent fight began because he said he wanted to watch it and I was in a foul mood at the time so I said "sure" but with an angry tone. Of course, that made him feel like he shouldn't do it and that upset him cause he doesn't like the controlling aspect of it. 

I don't like it either. I don't want to be controlling. Honestly, I wish that I would wake up one day and not care. That's all I want. But I feel like that's impossible. There's no denying that it burns me up that he still has the desire to masturbate to other women while I'm completely satisfied with him. I notice attractive men as well, but I'm not going to get off by watching them online. I just feel like marriage is exclusive. And him watching porn is not being exclusive.

I am so exhausted with being upset about this. I want to just tell him do whatever, but I know I will be thinking that he is doing it whenever I leave the house. He is willing to be open with me, but even then I can't stand him looking at porn. He is not addicted, doesn't watch it more than a few times a week, no longer than a few minutes at a time "just to get the job done."

Since our last fight, he has not talked about wanting to do it once. But I can tell he is feeling a resentful because he feels like I am controlling him. I understand that and I do not want to. But as I said, giving him "free reign" or whatever is going to eat me up inside.

This must be the part of marriage where you have to bite the bullet and put the other person first. I'm not sure how I can handle the pain of his "habit" but I know I can certainly handle that much better than the pain of losing him. He is a wonderful husband and makes me feel special in every other way. Should I just try to be the bigger person and just hope that this pain will reside eventually? 

I need help! I love my husband, my best friend. I want to do the best for him and put him first, without totally jeopardizing my feelings. He swears he would not care if it was the other way around.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so glad you are here.

Can you articulate exactly what you feel about him watching porn.?

One thing that I want to say, please don't shame him. Men are shamed too much. If you really care about him, own this as your problem not his. 

My husband watches porn and it does not effect our life. I feel that just because I am married, I don't own him. He has a right to privacy and a right to make his decisions. 

The reason I feel that way is because I don't like being a mother to a man that is the head of the family ship. I married him and I either trust him if he gives me no reason to do otherwise. I respect his ability to handle himself in the world. 

Would it help if you stepped back and considered that you are his wife not his mother, judge, jailer or investigator. 

You have a good marriage. Why destroy it my making your issues his? If you react badly to what he does he will cut off communication. He won't trust yiou not to get on his case.

Back off for now and rethink this. Is this worth pushing him to feel shamed, angry, and frustrated? You are his safe harbor. You can discuss things with him calmly without judgement right? 

We are not perfect. If you pick your fights and expect as much from yourself as you expect from him then I think you will be able to let this go. 

BTW, I think the porn industry is exploitative for the actors but That's me. The people who watch don't seem to be evil.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

First you need to choose whether you are ok with porn or not because while you say you are you get mad that he looks. Mix messages can kill anything between spouses. 

Second he should not have to be asking your permission and being told when he can and can not look at porn. He will only resent you for this fact it is a controlling thing to do.

I think that porn is fine as long as it does not replace a healthy sex life, is not illegal porn (under age), or attainable women (Like local hook ups) and lets face it no porn star is pounding sown my door to get my husband. It sounds like other then your issue with his viewing porn that you have a good relationship. So really choose which you are, bothered by it or not but stop bouncing him around because he has got to be confused and stop controlling him.

So make up your mind based off your feelings (not how he or anyone else feels) and then talk to him openly about it. Good luck


----------



## MrsC (Jul 2, 2011)

Thank you so much for responding.

I have thought a lot about what exactly I feel about him watching porn. I feel threatened by it. I am afraid that he will want to watch it more and more, maybe not to the point of addiction but to think about him watching it daily definitely bothers me. I am afraid he will start to want it more than me, especially as I age (very young now, but won't be forever!). I am also afraid that he will like "them" (porn stars) more than me so I guess some of it is jealousy. I have no doubt that he is extremely attracted to me, I guess I just want to be the only one, as unrealistic as that is.

Before I met my husband, I was in a long term relationship. This man also watched porn, but it never bothered me...not a single bit! In fact, I used to feel sorry for women (and their men) who got so upset by porn...now I am one of them. But I didn't love that man like I love my husband...not even close. So I am confused by it :/.

You have given me a lot to think about, I appreciate it so much.


----------



## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

My take?? I find that it wouldn't bother me if my husband watched porn for 1 reason. I know that no matter what I am first (the most important woman) to him. No matter what I know that to him I could never be replaced. I'm irreplaceable. 

I think the real problem for you is that you don't feel secure in your relationship hence the reason porn makes you feel threatened. 

Talk to your husband about having this need met. I don't think you should control his viewing of porn. But there is definitely a need he isn't meeting that should be discussed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Sent you a PM. 

It boils down to "why is porn more important to him than not hurting you?"


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

kittykat09 said:


> Sent you a PM.
> 
> It boils down to "why is porn more important to him than not hurting you?"


I have heard this one a few times on TAM and I'm not sure I agree with it. He is not forcing her to watch porn and would be happier doing it discreetly so as not to rub her nose in it.

Maybe the question should be why does he have to pay a price for her insecurities?

If we accept that porn is not morally wrong, as the OP does, then what justification does she have that he stop using it? She has stated that it doesn't affect their sex life, he is loving and attentive. So?


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

MrsC said:


> The porn is not replacing our sex, we have sex at least once daily, I offer him bjs a few times a week in addition to our usual sex. We have a very active sex life so no problems there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You are one of the lucky ones, because porn *takes over* in other relationships, and the sex stops. 

You need to put more focus on yourself, take up a hobby that you enjoy............something............anything............to get your mind off what your hubs is doing in his spare time. As long as he still pays you plenty of attention, I don't see the issue. You do have to stop trying to control him, because it's not going to change him and what's doing. You need to work on yourself, not him.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He is not addicted, doesn't watch it more than a few times a week, no longer than a few minutes at a time "just to get the job done."


I assume you don't have any issues with him masturbating? 

A lot of women masturbate using only their imagination to fantasize. Some women prefer reading erotica to help "get them in the mood" and aide their fantasies during masturbation. And a lot of men prefer having visuals instead of using their imaginations, especially boys who grew up with easy access to porn. 

If that's his frequency, to me, it sounds like he just uses porn as a tool to masturbate and that's it. _The women in porn do not mean to him what they mean to you._ Consider the porn as a tool, like a vibrator, with no more meaning than that.

Have you considered making some porn with him? Maybe he'd prefer watching a video clip of you giving him a bj than some random anonymous people having sex. Of course, then you'd have to keep making more video clips for variety, but that could be FUN...


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Please answer these questions:

- What is your husband's field of work?
- How many hours a day is he NOT at home (does he work from home?)
- When you and your husband have a fight about porn, who ends up apologizing and making things right most of the time?

- What is your husband's relationship like with his mother (if still alive)? How do you feel about his relationship with his mother?

- Who is the more intellectual in your relationship? Who is the "know-it-all"? Is it you or your husband?


All these questions may seem unrelated, but they may not be at the end. I'm just trying to find out more about your husband.


----------



## Buddysnude (Mar 26, 2012)

I have been in his shoes, so let me give you my take.
1. You mentioned "him looking at other naked women" There is a difference in looking at naked women and looking at porn. When I was watching porn, I wasn't looking at the naked woman, I was watching the situation, the scenario, the different angles and positions that I could try with my wife. 
2. I loved it when my wife would watch it with me. But I would only watch regular love making scenes with her, what I watched in private was more intense. 
3. Porn can become an addiction, why because like any drug it grows and grows, I know, it happened to me. First there were just pictures, then soft-core porn, then hard-core porn, then taboo porn, then forbidden porn. At each stage, you want to act out and not just view, Most of these stages, you are happy to do with your wife, but when it goes unchecked, then comes cheating and doing things you would never dream of doing. It will destroy you, your marriage, and your family. 
4. The more you argue about it, the more he will hide from you. my advise is to sit down with him, be calm and softly ask him to show you what porn he watches, and after viewing it with him, ask him how can help portrait that scene for real, within your marriage. 
5. Finally, just know this. MEN ARE SIMPLE, when it come to sex, it's all about conquering or checking off a list. such as:
Anal sex, check
Outdoor sex, check
threesome, check
public sex, check
etc. etc. etc
that's why we watch porn, we see activities that others are doing, and it gives us items to put on our checklists.
I am not addicted any longer, but I know how and why I was, Good luck


----------



## AnotherJason (Mar 26, 2012)

I applaud you for looking for help.
My opinion on your scenario:
* A guy that has sex once a day and STILL has the energy/time/desire to masturbate is, well... energetic! (I'm 42 so those days sadly are past! lol)
* You are extremely lucky that you have a man that is willing to be open and share with you his feelings about something so intimate. I know we men are SUPPOSED to be this open, but how many of us truly are? As others have said, I don't think you should shame him when he is being open with you. This is the fastest way to get him to shut down and start hiding his behavior or being secretive.
* As you've already started doing, figure out WHY his behavior bothers you. I think it's ok and encouraging for you to tell him that it bothers you, but ask for his help to figure out together WHY it bothers you.
* I'm no therapist, but in my opinion keep in mind our evolutionary background. We are attracted to females, period. Love and the emotional connection we can feel between us has nothing to do with a biological desire. Sure a guy can stop watching porn with willpower, for awhile. But just like telling a homosexual to stop desiring the same sex, it's not gonna last. It's part of who we are, it's biological. Do you want to deprive your man of something that gives him joy? He can't help it if you don't like it, and can't voice WHY you don't like it. That's for you to solve, and you're doing a great job by the way!!!
* The very fact that you're both willing to seek a solution shows me that you will get past this speed bump as a couple.
* You say that you NEVER say no to sex with him; are you initiating it sometimes too? You're not making him do all the work are you?

Please understand that I am just a regular guy offering my 2 cents.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I have heard this one a few times on TAM and I'm not sure I agree with it. He is not forcing her to watch porn and would be happier doing it discreetly so as not to rub her nose in it.
> 
> Maybe the question should be why does he have to pay a priced for her insecurities?
> 
> If we accept that porn is not morally wrong, as the OP does, then what justification does she have that he stop using it? She has stated that it doesn't affect their sex life, he is loving and attentive. So?


Please don't feel that I am being judgemental or rude here - 

I agree with the above. First of all, obviously deep down you do have a problem with porn or you would not have started the thread. That is OK, but own it and decide what you really want from your husband before you go pulling his chain about it.

Personally...I am a woman, and I watch porn myself and so does my husband. I have no problem with it. In fact I enjoy it and I feel that it spices up our sex life, because it gives us new ideas to try out in the bedroom. It has also broken down some barriers for us...things that he fantasizes about but feels to wierd to actually talk about and ask me for, we find a video for it - the other person watches the video and then you know what your other half fantasizes about. Some of the fantasies are brought to the bedroom, some are not, but we respect each others boundaries.

I don't view porn as cheating...I don't feel threatened by it. I have a hard time understanding the views of those who do feel that way. To me, it is the same as my husband playing grand theft auto - do I worry he's going to walk out the door and carjack somebody and start running over hookers in the street? No. Porn is just a movie to me...I don't worry about him going out and trying to find those girls in real life. It doesn't take away from our sex life, and I don't feel threatened that he still masturbates - I still do too, and I think its unnatural to expect him not too. I have a few vibrators, and my husband does not demand that I throw them away because I use them alone sometimes. I am not sure how I would react if he did, unless he was unhappy with the frequency of our sex life and had a legitimate complaint I would wonder how insecure he is to really think he could be replaced by a toy.

I think this stems from an insecurity, and that is something worth exploring on your own. In the end you have to make a decision about what you are comfortable with and where to draw the line in your narraige, but don't punish him for something that is purely a knee-jerk reaction stemming from your own insecurity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I think this stems from an insecurity, and that is something worth exploring on your own. In the end you have to make a decision about what you are comfortable with and where to draw the line in your narraige, but don't punish him for something that is purely a knee-jerk reaction stemming from your own insecurity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it comes from wanting to be "everything" to her man, and wanting to be the one who "satisfies" him completely. His masturbation to porn is making her feel like he is unsatisfied with her and "needs" more. That is creating insecurity. (I don't know if she'd also be insecure if he masturbated but did NOT use porn, just his imagination).

However, that is her perspective and not his perspective on it. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as a tool for a quick masturbation session.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Women can be 'threatened' by porn. More so the girls in porn... feeling that if their H's like watchig it, HE might like "that type" of girl ... I was just like you in my younger days and beginning of my marriage... I would freak out when my H went to bachelor parties... mostly it was my jealousy and insecurity.

Your trust and relationship is what you should hold on to. If you trust it is harmless entertainment and does not affect YOUR relationship, then it isn't too bad is it? 

It's not taking over your life, nor is he trying to hide it. At least he is opening up to ask you if he can watch it. That is a clear sign of his respect for YOU. 

Men are visual creatures. porn is an entertainment outlet that is visually based... I say if it is not hariming your relationship and is purely based on YOUR worries.. then my dear, you need to find it in yourself to KNOW you are the one there with him, not the porn stars... they are on TV... nothing more.


----------



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

You have not gotten many responses. Look at other threads and posts about porn. There are plenty of people that can support you other than saying "you are being controlling" or "its your problem"... because quite frankly you are not being controlling and the problem lies in BOTH of you, mainly because he does not compromise.

I personally do enjoy and watch porn, hentai etc. with my husband. However, whatever works for my relationship may not work for another. If my husband had a problem with porn and it was hurting him, I would give it up in a heart beat... and it would not hurt me a bit - because porn means nothing to me, my husband does! He would not even need to ask for me to give it up, I would do so willingly. I also happen to be aware that my husband would also consider anything that could ever hurt me. We are both reasonable people and trust each other to make good decisions and good judgement. 

Your feelings do matter! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, not even your husband.

So... about your situation I see a couple of things wrong. First, the fact that he is capable of hiding this from you at times. Second, the fact that he does not show care about your feelings concerning porn. These are really 2 major things. He should never hide the use of porn, and he should care enough about your feelings to compromise. He is calling you controlling when you are not. Don't allow him to do this and don't allow him to believe that you believe this. You are sharing your feelings and pain about something and that should matter to him enough to come up with a solution, even if that means giving it up.

He is not having to "pay a price" for your insecurities, that's absurd - at least not in that sense. Your feelings about porn are very understandable and legit, porn is not for everybody or every relationship as a whole. 

Also, you say that he is not addicted to it, but he cannot seem to give it up. Sounds borderline addictive to me, if not all the way. It should be easy to give something up that one is not addicted to, especially if its hurting somebody that they love, for good reason.

Also, I should say that in my marriage we don't watch porn separately. We always do it together. Me and my husband never desire to watch porn apart from each other. It is really amazing to put a twist to our sex life at times by doing these things together and enjoying it together. We have both discussed things and this is what works for us, we just so happen to agree on everything. We did not just assume that porn would be acceptable, we talked and figured out what would work for our relationship specifically. We then started experimenting together and everything has always been great! Why? Because we considered each others feelings on the matter and made it clear that each other's feelings matter the most!

Like I said, read other threads about porn and find comfort in posts from other people who agree with you. Find answers in their input on things, because by the looks of it your relationship is not benefited by porn. Also, remember, you are NOT controlling! What you have described here in this thread does not make you controlling. Your husband only wants you to think that you are so that he can keep making it seem like you are the only one with issues here, when in all honesty HE has got some issues not to consider your pain and try to give you understanding. And lastly, remember that it is not ok for him to hide porn from you, no matter the reason. Hiding is not cool. If he wants to protect your feelings he should stop.

Good luck and you are more than welcome to PM me.

PS. It does not matter that he would be ok with you wanting porn. This does not change the fact that if he loves you it should be easy for him to compromise, that is, if he is really not addicted.


----------



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

Also, I forgot to say that maybe you should try and see if you could ever like porn. Maybe you have just been concerned of it hurting you, rather than the possibility of you enjoying it yourself. 

Do you like porn, or hate it? Or, are you just against him looking at other women in it?

These are things to think about because maybe you can find yourself adventuring with your husband when it comes to porn.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Either you have to change for him (be ok with him watching porn) or he has to change for you (stop watching porn). Not sure there is a middle ground on this one from what you have written. Changing others is difficult and changing yourself can also be difficult. Good luck to the 2 of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

My husband watched porn off and on in the beginning of our relationship then something changed and it then replaced him being intimate with me. That's when my view of porn in a relationship changed. It took him a while to see what was happening to us as a couple he was in denial about it for months (I was lucky to get physical contact once a week during this time but he thought it was way more than that so of course I was wrong and crazy) but he finally did and it was a struggle but he gave up porn and he hasn't viewed any in almost a year. I had to be very supportive and non judgemental about what he was going through, I didn't bring it up I waited for him to want to talk to me never forcing the conversation one way or the other. Once the porn was gone and he opened up to me more about why he was viewing it so much things did get better, especially the sex. Sex while he was viewing porn was good at the once a week I was able to get it but after with no porn was amazing. He even commented first on how hard he was and being able to maintain an election longer

He now uses home movies we make if I'm unavailable, is that an option for you?


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I can see both sides of this issue. I have no problem with masturbating, but doing it to porn would bother me. Maybe that isn't rational, but I see the difference as having general fantasies vs. seeing actual women being used for their holes.

He said that he wouldn't mind if you masturbated to porn. I wonder if this is true. I would try it, and then maybe he can understand how you feel about putting your sexual energy into something besides him.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

loves:

I'm not criticizing you, just trying to get the position straight - 

it's okay for him to think of a given person (like a porn star) while masturbating - to 'see' them in his minds eye - but not to see them with his actual eyes, because that requires an extra step?

I'm not saying you're wrong, just seeing if that's what you're saying.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I know what you mean, and that is why I said I am conflicted about this issue. There is just something about the actual visual image that bothers me. I feel like he can have more of an attachment, the way we get attached to celebrities, than if he just uses fantasies in his mind.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

If you're bothered, you're bothered. 
I'm just curious as to why; I asked this in the other porn thread too. 

The hot girl from work or school or whatever might be in my head when I jerk off. I don't know to what extent I can help this. Is that more or less of an attachment than if I look at a porn actress? 

There are a lot of women who think masturbating to porn is wrong morally; many feel it's tantamount to cheating. I don't think all these women are crazy. I'd just like to know *what* is wrong with it.

Masturbating?
Masturbating and thinking of someone else? 
Masturbating and seeing someone else? 
Being physically attracted to someone else at all? 
Etc.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, I guess it is hard to sort out feelings rationally. I think the most important thing would be how if affects their sex life. If it does not interfere, then she should probably find a way to accept it. I do, however, have trouble understanding how having sex every day would make someone want to view porn alone.


----------



## MrsC (Jul 2, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Please answer these questions:
> 
> - What is your husband's field of work?
> - How many hours a day is he NOT at home (does he work from home?)
> ...


My husband is a registered nurse so he works 12 hr days a few days a week. Therefore, he is home for days at a time sometimes.

Whenever we argue about it, it's a big argument, can last for hours on and off. Usually we both just end up apologizing (he is sorry it upsets me, I am sorry I get so angry, etc).

My husband's relationship with his mom is pretty normal I guess. He is not a "momma's boy" or anything. I think when he was growing up they had their differences, but who doesn't? Now they talk a few times a month. I probably talk to her more than he does, but not too often either.

As for your last question as to who is the "know it all," I'm not sure if there is one...maybe it's me sometimes, maybe it's him. I cringe when I see couples where the woman walks all over her husband. I think we share "the pants" for the most part.


----------



## MrsC (Jul 2, 2011)

Mom_In-Love said:


> You have not gotten many responses. Look at other threads and posts about porn. There are plenty of people that can support you other than saying "you are being controlling" or "its your problem"... because quite frankly you are not being controlling and the problem lies in BOTH of you, mainly because he does not compromise.
> 
> I personally do enjoy and watch porn, hentai etc. with my husband. However, whatever works for my relationship may not work for another. If my husband had a problem with porn and it was hurting him, I would give it up in a heart beat... and it would not hurt me a bit - because porn means nothing to me, my husband does! He would not even need to ask for me to give it up, I would do so willingly. I also happen to be aware that my husband would also consider anything that could ever hurt me. We are both reasonable people and trust each other to make good decisions and good judgement.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your reply. Thanks for stating that I am not being controlling (ugh would NEVER want to be). However, I do want to stand up for my husband a little bit here. He has never actually called me controlling. And he has been compromising with me. He would watch it while I was at home, sometimes I would watch it with him (which was okay...didn't really turn me on or off). Also, if I was away from home and he was wanting "a release," he would wait for me to get home to either have sex or watch porn. I have asked him if he thought this was controlling of me, and he said, "No, it's compromise." So, I do feel that he is compromising. I just still don't like it.

Also, I forgot to add, that when we first started to argue about porn, he often told me, "I'd stop if you wanted me to." Not wanting to be controlling, I told him I wouldn't ask him to stop. I don't feel I own him, nor do I want to. I feel like that is pushing it a little bit. It's a lot of gray area. I mean I feel like asking him to stop is almost like asking him to stop masturbating which I doesn't bother me, as I think that's natural.

Now, of course I figure that if/when he masturbates without porn, he isn't thinking of me. I have no idea what he is thinking about and I find comfort in that. However, with him watching porn, I know he isn't thinking about me because, well, I'm not nude on the internet!!

Thank you so much for all of your input though. Definitely LOTS of food for thought.


----------



## MrsC (Jul 2, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> If you're bothered, you're bothered.
> I'm just curious as to why; I asked this in the other porn thread too.
> 
> The hot girl from work or school or whatever might be in my head when I jerk off. I don't know to what extent I can help this. Is that more or less of an attachment than if I look at a porn actress?
> ...


Here's what I think and feel. I do not think masturbation is morally wrong. I think it's natural. AND of course, I won't kid myself into thinking that my husband only thinks of me if/when he masturbates without visual aid. The kicker is that I don't know what he's thinking about. But if he is watching porn, then I know what he's thinking about...not me or us but the girls on the screen. It's kind of like a don't ask don't tell thing, if that makes sense?


----------



## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

_*Quote from MrsC:* "Our most recent fight began because he said he wanted to watch it and I was in a foul mood at the time so I said "sure" but with an angry tone. Of course, that made him feel like he shouldn't do it and that upset him cause he doesn't like the controlling aspect of it."

"Since our last fight, he has not talked about wanting to do it once. But I can tell he is feeling a resentful because he feels like I am controlling him."_

Oh, sorry if I misunderstood. But when you say things like this, it makes me think that he is indeed in one way or another indicating that you are controlling.

_*Quote from MrsC:* "It's become a viscous cycle. He looks at porn. I get upset. He does it again and he hides it. I find out and get more upset. And so on and so forth."_

Also, you say the he has actually been compromising. Then... why is there still a "vicious" cycle? Why does he "do it again" and "hide" it? And... why does he get upset when you show that it bothers you...? He obviously, by what you have been telling us here - is not willing to let go of porn.

_*Quote from Jeff74:* "Either you have to change for him (be ok with him watching porn) or he has to change for you (stop watching porn). Not sure there is a middle ground on this one from what you have written. Changing others is difficult and changing yourself can also be difficult. Good luck to the 2 of you!"_

You are also telling us here that you are not willing to let go of the fact that porn bothers you either. And so, it seems to me that the best option as an advice that I can come up with for the both of you is - meet in the middle. Meaning, let him watch the porn as long as he does so in front of you (not behind your back). Maybe you can be the one "playing" with him as he watches and be a part of it yourself. I don't know what else to tell you because neither of you seem to bend. OR, another solution is what Jeff74 said... if that could ever work for the both of you some day.

I also asked you if you liked or disliked porn in general...? Or, is it only the fact that he is looking at other women in it...? Why does it bother you that he looks at other women in porn...? Could you ever enjoy porn yourself...?

I am just trying to help and give you things to think about because one way or another, if you don't find a solution to this problem - it will only end up hurting both of you more and more.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The problem is we look at it differently than women do. For all intents and purposes it's more of a form of entertainment than actually lusting after random actresses who are probably radioactive with the amount of medication they need to take to not be overtaken by the multitude of diseases they're exposed to.

I suspect women don't get that part. Most (not all but most) of us just watch....just because really.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

It seems that most women are fine with men masturbating. 
And are somewhat okay with the possibility that men are thinking of other women (and them) while masturbating - seeing them in their minds eye.

But not with seeing these women with their eyes. 

Do i have that right? 

It is cheating/offending the relationship/etc to actually look at another woman while masturbating?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

When you give him BJ's, does he still watch porn afterwards the same day?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

kag123 said:


> Please don't feel that I am being judgemental or rude here -
> 
> I agree with the above. First of all, obviously deep down you do have a problem with porn or you would not have started the thread. That is OK, but own it and decide what you really want from your husband before you go pulling his chain about it.
> 
> ...


@ Why is she insecure? Are you insecure in any way? Is anyone you care about insecure? Hopefully your attitude towards them is less supercilious.

Watching porn is not some elevated activity and the actresses are an unenviable sad lot. I think it is a waste of time better spent on more productive activities. 

I could counter your claim that she is insecure by saying that her husband is a wastrel for spending empty time of self focus and pleasuring. 

If he should not be shamed for viewing porn then neither should she. She is not insecure, she is voicing a normal concern which she has a right to do.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Buddysnude said:


> I have been in his shoes, so let me give you my take.
> 1. You mentioned "him looking at other naked women" There is a difference in looking at naked women and looking at porn. When I was watching porn, I wasn't looking at the naked woman, I was watching the situation, the scenario, the different angles and positions that I could try with my wife.
> 2. I loved it when my wife would watch it with me. But I would only watch regular love making scenes with her, what I watched in private was more intense.
> 3. Porn can become an addiction, why because like any drug it grows and grows, I know, it happened to me. First there were just pictures, then soft-core porn, then hard-core porn, then taboo porn, then forbidden porn. At each stage, you want to act out and not just view, Most of these stages, you are happy to do with your wife, but when it goes unchecked, then comes cheating and doing things you would never dream of doing. It will destroy you, your marriage, and your family.
> ...


So the onus is on her to ignore her misgivings. How did she get saddled with the role of Shahrazad instead of his wife and partner. 

What happened to all of that emotional bonding and mutually satisfying sex? Does she have to forgo all of that to become a porn actress because her husband has a porn habit? 

May I ask how following a punch list of sex acts will help this relationship? 

She is requesting of her husband reassurance, I think. Weather or not he hears it as a request for that is the question. Maybe that is all she needs from her husband. 

OP I don't think this is about porn. I think it is an accumulation of relationship issues over time that has you questioning his trustworthiness. 

You say you love him but do you want to go through life with a man like this? When you have kids you will be tied to him for decades. Can you see your self maintaining a happy marriage with him. 

Think carefully before you have kids and get tired to him for decades. if you want to live with a man who so early in your marriage provokes concern. It may get worse. 

Maybe it is time to cut your losses and find a man who is not deceptive and anxiety provoking.


----------



## MrsC (Jul 2, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> So the onus is on her to ignore her misgivings. How did she get saddled with the role of Shahrazad instead of his wife and partner.
> 
> What happened to all of that emotional bonding and mutually satisfying sex? Does she have to forgo all of that to become a porn actress because her husband has a porn habit?
> 
> ...


Catherine,

I am curious why your response to my post changed. Your first response didn't say anything about me finding someone else. Just curious why your response has changed so dramatically.

You said that you didn't believe porn was the real problem, but that this was an accumulation of a bunch of issues in our relationship. As I said earlier, porn is virtually our only issue. My husband is a good man and I can count on him always. I also know he will be a wonderful father. 

Again, what changed your opinion and response? I was surprised to see these last responses from you, as your first one was probably the most thought-provoking, comforting, and helpful.

Thank you.


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

He's a man, he wants to look at and have sex with other women. It's very possible for him to stop looking at porn, but if it's not a moral thing you might want to let it go. Mainly since you don't mind that he thinks about or pictures other women, you just don't want him looking at it. That's splitting hairs a little bit. And if it truly is "don't ask don't tell" like you say, you kind of ruined by that by asking and analyzing.

I'm not placing blame with you, just seems like if he's still giving you the sex you need, it may be best to pick another battle.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have not read all of these replies, but I strongly recommend this book for you to understand your husband on this...and him to understand where you are coming from also.... written by a couple that almost broke up over the issue ... but decided they would hear each other out ...fully.... and honesty... I do believe in the end, the husband gives it up for the wife, but not because she demanded it, he came to this descion on his own... and this is what you need for your own marriage. 

Hear each other out.... and try to withhold the judgement. 

 Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship 


Personally I think you are damn blessed to have such a raging sex life, I envy you, I wish my husbands drive was like that. 

Unlike yourself... I used to be religious and when I found my husband looking at it ...his flavor has always been mega TAME though, just playboy bunnies... I used to post scriptures to the desktop.... (we have been married for 22 yrs now)... when we got our 1st computer, funny how the next day had hot babes plastered on my screen, I was livid and called Dell to rant about what my husband was up too, but unlike yourself, we was not having sex every day --- I was a stupid wife , and he was passive about his needs. 

I want to try to help you understand the male mind ...because like I said, I never got " the allure" ....UNTIL I came into my own sex drive in my 40's... and my god ..I started to freaking LOVE PORN, I even rented it.... it became ELECTRIC to me, that is all I wanted to do suddendly, it became near an addiction to me, but I always took it back to my husband...he was loving that ....but he could not keep up with my drive.. I wanted it literally 3 times a day.. I bet your husband is the same... 

My question to you is... would you be willing to have sex with him as often as he desires a release without being resentful ? My guess (again, I have not read these answers ) ....is probably not. Most women do not want sex 2 -3 times a day in any way shape or form. 

Most people with high test accually enjoy a little porn, it is just one of the symptoms of it. Men , on average, have 10 times more of this hormone flowing through their viens, I have 3 books on the issue....it affect their minds, their desires, how horny they are -- it is a constant thing. 

I literally felt like a raging teen male a few years ago, if my husband was against it, I swear it would have sunk our marraige...I could have never handled a Preacher husband... in no way did it take away my love for him... or want for him. It was just something I enjoyed...that simple... then we enjoyed it together. I did withhold masterbating from it but if he couldn't give it to me once a day, that would have been out the window, cause I needed it and I enjoy some visual fantasy as well. 

So speaking purely from a female point of view, I understand how men want to view this ALOT (since I have walked in such shoes -what a ride! - I almost feel bad for men --it is like a CURSE !).... also I know my husband can easily enjoy watching those women on screen, but it doesn't take anything away from us at all. It is always "Making love" ...

DO you feel your husband is making Love to you... or are you feeling his mind is elsewhere when he is with you ???? 

Doesn't this speak ?? 

We have a very happy marriage, if anything , I wish he was a little more porn starish in the bedroom, I am more aggressive than him, but it doesn't have to destroy a relationship. 

It doesn't mean he loves you any less. Honestly. I am a wife who wishes her husband's drive was as raging as your man's, take it as a sign of health . As he grows older, this will slow down some. 

Also I feel it is very important that he doesn't feel the need to hide this from you. ANy man will... my husband tried to hide it from me back then. And I swear on the life of our childen, it was the only thing in our marraige he did it over.... and he wasn't even a high test guy -ever... so I know the higher test ones will !


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MrsC said:


> Catherine,
> 
> I am curious why your response to my post changed. Your first response didn't say anything about me finding someone else. Just curious why your response has changed so dramatically.
> 
> ...


I was responding to the posts that suggested that you become a porn substitute to solve your issues. It won't solve anything.

In addition, I thought I read that there were other trust issues with your husband. Things that he did in the past which was not in your original post? Did I get it wrong?

From what I have read, porn is a natural outlet for normal men. It can become an addiction or obsession for some. 

But if sex is good, he is attentive, he is a good father, and partner then he is normal, I think. If he is not normal then a very large proportion of men in the world are abnormal. 

THis does not solve your sense of unease though. 

This is where doing a little research on male sexuality and porn. I have read that for the great majority of normal, well functioning men, it is a maturation aid. 

For a subset of men it is an addiction and or it makes them objectify this partner. You should read about that too. 

Then I think you should sit calmly and talk to your husband. Don't shame him or be critical. Put yourself in his place or try. 

Think of this - Testosterone exerts a powerful influence on his thoughts and motivations. That's the way God made men. He is in control but he also is made to need release at a schedule unique to him.

He uses porn to get the release. He does not come to you every time he wants to maturate because he does not view you as a source of release. 

You are a source of emotional sustenance and love and acceptance. You confirm him as a man. That's why you have to be careful how you approach this. If this is about you, then make it so and solve it with his help. 

Would you feel comfortable doing the following - Let him know that if he is going to watch porn, don't hide but be discrete. 

Let him know how you feel. Ask him to make a compromise and a commitment - when you need assurance and you need to ask him questions about porn and his views, that he will be willing to hear you out and communicate with you honestly. THis may help over time until you feel reassured that there is no problem. 

My husband is a very good man father and partner and he watches porn. It is no secret and I don't get bent out of shape. When we first got married he wanted me to latch porn with him. 

I did occasionally but I really did not like it. The reason was because I viewed the actresses as people. After a while, I told him how I felt. He was understanding. I asked that he keep it private and on his personal laptop. 

I don't want to be my husbands mother, I don't want to be his judge, and I don't want to invade his privacy. I don't want those things for myself either.


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

MrsC said:


> I have thought a lot about what exactly I feel about him watching porn. I feel threatened by it. I am afraid that he will want to watch it more and more, maybe not to the point of addiction but to think about him watching it daily definitely bothers me. I am afraid he will start to want it more than me, especially as I age (very young now, but won't be forever!). I am also afraid that he will like "them" (porn stars) more than me so I guess some of it is jealousy. I have no doubt that he is extremely attracted to me, I guess I just want to be the only one, as unrealistic as that is.


Maybe I can offer up my own experience to cast this in a different light. I also have a wife who never says "no". In my own personal assessment, I won the partner lottery... sexually and every other way. There are no unfulfilled desires or secret fantasies... nada. If I thought of something I'd mention it to her then it wouldn't be "unfulfilled" any more. I really think I have a good thing going on here.

I still look at porn and masturbate. For me, this has nothing to do with Carol and that's exactly the point. It is low-involvement... scratching an itch if you will. I am not desirous of any of the women I see. I don't want anyone else but my wife... not even secretly in my own heart... not even for some magical consequence free one night fling. It's really as simple as getting some visual stimuli to scratch that itch in a low involvement sort of way.

You're making this a competition between you and the porn women and at least for me they are in two entirely separate camps.

By the way, Carol is 57 years old. If I wanted a 21 year old porn model I wouldn't be married to Carol. She cannot compete with any of them on pure physical beauty _except in my eyes_. That works for both of us.


----------

