# Sitting on the fence, 11 years, No Chemistry!



## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband. 

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I have completely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself and my achievements, however I have not been true to my feelings or honest with him and being with him has always felt wrong.

Since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattracted and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on. On our wedding day I almost felt sad, and when he asked me to marry him I also felt in the pit of my gut that it wasn’t right, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do! 

I think the reason why I have been sitting on the fence for SO long is because of how much my husband and I have going for us. We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.

My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????

Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings?

I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship?

Are you better off being single than with the wrong man if it means being true to yourself?

My husband and I have already discussed the possibility of not staying together and we already agree on co-parenting arrangements, I mean every single detail. Is this enough to save the kids?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling. To help you deal with issues you have left undealt with.

That bad smell? It's not your husband you can smell it is the rotting problems from your past that you have ignored.

It's as if you have a massive and stinking cyst on your head which you are covering with a hat instead of having it lanced by a professional.

It's possible that you resent your husband because he is not an abusive bad boy.

You need to sort yourself out and counselling will hopefully help you do this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

AJBrooks said:


> We have the same morals, the same goals, the same taste, the same parenting views, and in lots of ways we get on really well, we are open about almost everything (except this topic) and work through things together as a team, we resolve issues and our household works so well. However this unfortunately hasn’t changed how I feel.
> 
> My question to you is, do I deny my feelings and my heart for the sake of my children??????


No fighting, no abuse either verbal or physical, no addiction issues, infidelity issues nil. A calm, harmonious home and family and you want to rip your children's happy lives apart?? Seriously???

Did you think about this before you had your first child? The second?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Victims of abuse often subconsciously believe they do not deserve a good relationship, so when they finally land in one, they self sabotage.

Seek professional help, lest you go back to the promiscuity filled life of chasing (being used and dumped by) bad boys.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It was one thing to subject your physical and mental health to a bad boy when you were young and single.....but it is not okay to do that when you have young children...and you end up possibly subjecting them to another one of mom's boyfriend who frighten us or worse...then all you are doing is repeating your history for them, with the possibility of one of them becoming you...could you live with that? ...so don't you think it should stop with you? What ever this is between your husband and you not feeling it, you owe it to your kids and him to find out why you feel this way....seek help first before attempting to move on....otherwise leave the family alone....if you want to be a train wreck do it alone.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You trusted your "heart" and it led down a very dark path, then you trusted your head and your life turned around and is now healthy. Is it really prudent to pass the reins back to your "heart"? Your head has served you well, your "heart" has not. Do you not see it as problematic to once again use it as your guide?

As to your resentment for your H, I believe your "heart" is calling for satisfaction. It should be ignored and instead use your intellect to find the reasl issue with your H and correct it. As MattMatt and FSJ have indicated, it would appear that your past is influencing your present and may destroy your future. Consider this carefully and also carefully consider what "chemistry" is and how it can be experienced. You may find "chemistry" to be less important than biology. Mixing the wrong chemicals can end in a rather violent explosion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AJBrooks said:


> I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.
> 
> I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.
> 
> ...


He sounds like a really good man. I am surprised that he isn't more upset, but he may be hiding it of course. 
Do you believe that when we make promises we keep them? 
I would recommend counseling for you and marriage counselling for you both. Give it a year of both and see where you are. Sometimes we don't appreciate the many good thing we have, and yearn after the few things we think we need.
My lovely husbands first wife divorced him because apparently he didn't meet her 'emotional needs', and she wasn't sure if she ever really loved him. 12 years later we are in a really happy 11 year marriage and she is still alone. Then grass isn't always greener. 

Your children will be devastated no matter how amicable this is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think as others do, that you have something good now and are going to let it go foolishly.
However, I'm also of the opinion that once a woman's live is gone, it never comes back. You've had 11 years of this rotting your feelings for him. You don't know how to turn it around. 
You do have two choices: rip up a family that is functional (I honestly don't think you'll ever find what you're looking for long term), or stay and learn to deal with the fact that you don't live your husband.
If you choose door number two, get counseling. And please, try several conuselors or therapists, or whatever. Most are copay collectors.

I wish you luck.
Btw, have your husband take a bath, change colognes, whatever before you give up. Tell the man what you need. Sounds like he's willing to listen.
And he sounds like a helluva guy to me. You won't likely find another like him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

First, you move into the spare room and let your husband have the bedroom since you're the one who isn't happy. 

Second, you enjoy the chase so tell your husband to stop treating you like an entitled princess.

Third, you can change your feelings for him. Get therapy and redefine your definition of love. Once the lightbulb goes on, you may experience the physical attraction. All marriages require work. And, physical attraction will only take you so far in a relationship.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I think attraction is critical in a marriage. But I also think that your abusive past is making you misinterpret what you see with your own eyes. Since he's not abusive, since he's not a bad boy, since he's actually giving you the time a day and isnt dismissive… These are things that make him appear unattractive.

If he has bad hygiene, or a bad clothing choices, or a bad smell… definitely laid out for him and make him correct it. You shouldn't have to live with that. If that's the case then write him a note which might be easier than talking about it.

I do think you were trying to self sabotage, and your abusive past tells you you don't deserve this. But it's also possible that he's just not attractive to you. I think you need to sort that out. You'll need to see several counselors to find a good one, but I think it's definitely worth it.

He also needs to man up and stop being so nice to you. He needs understand that you need a little bit of a chase. He needs to know that he can't put you on a pedestal.

Does your husband know of your promiscuous past? Does he know that you prefer the bad boys? I'm really curious what he knows about your past.

I've never read No More Mr. Nice guy – hey other TAMmers is this what he needs to read?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

MMSLP is more appropriate based on what she is saying she wants.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like he needs to shave his head, get a neck tattoo, and become emotionally distant.

ETA: For the record, I'm in the "divorce amicably and find a partner that you actually want" camp.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> It was one thing to subject your physical and mental health to a bad boy when you were young and single.....but it is not okay to do that when you have young children...*and you end up possibly subjecting them to another one of mom's boyfriend who frighten us or worse*...then all you are doing is repeating your history for them, with the possibility of one of them becoming you...could you live with that? ...so don't you think it should stop with you? What ever this is between your husband and you not feeling it, you owe it to your kids and him to find out why you feel this way....seek help first before attempting to move on....otherwise leave the family alone....if you want to be a train wreck do it alone.


This.

Get counselling now. Or you should give him full custody if you decide to go 'explore' yourself and you can get visitation. He sounds like the responsible one here. And the bad boy boyfriend part mentioned above bother me because I see it all the time. Girls in my parts get molested/raped by mommy's boyfriend. And mommy won't do a thing about it because she is _in love_. Make me want to vomit!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

No marriage is ever perfect. We trade off on certain features. 

Sometimes, when we get far out from the honeymoon phase, we tend to look back with a lot of negativity, which can help our minds justify things such as leaving a good spouse. For instance, when you got engaged, were you excited and happy, or were you sad and disappointed? I kinda doubt that you would have made your vows if you weren't in love.

The newness fades, the excitement wears off, and we are left with boring old daily life. Then we drift. Then we start to make excuses why we should be able to leave.

If you leave him, do not expect to find a man even remotely as good as he is. Prepare yourself for some hot passionate sex, and nonstop heartbreak. Get ready to watch your kids suffer to levels you haven't imagined yet, but you will have some passionate banging as the prize for stealing their safe, happy childhoods.

Don't get me wrong. I'm divorced and remarried. I watched and continue to watch my kids suffer from the breakup of my marriage. I am a super passionate person, so I'm not knocking that quality in you. Before giving up, I think you owe it to your family to try. Get the couselling. Tell your husband you want to fall back in love. Go on dates, romantic weekends away, get new lingerie, toys, couples massages...whatever floats your boats. For goodness sake buy him a cologne that when you smell it you want to devour him. (For me its Light Blue Dolce Gabbana)

This isn't going to be easy. It's pretty rare for us as women to fall back in love. Your husband and relationship truly sounds like they are worth your efforts to try. Now that this is out in the open, you can both work hard on it together. You will never regret the time spent right now to try to make this work. On the other hand, if you give up, you may regret that the rest of your life. I wish you the best, wherever your path leads you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

People really need to get a grip. Shaming and fear mongering isn't helpful. Turns out, it's entirely possible to divorce amicably, date responsibly, and find a new partner who is actually compatible on all levels, physical included.

So what if he's a great guy? He's not the right great guy for OP or she wouldn't be here.

@AJBrooks, the truth is you made a mistake. You married a man you weren't chemically compatible with in hopes that romantic love would grow over time. It hasn't and now you've let this go on so long you're actively repulsed by him. You can't manufacture chemical, physical, sexual compatibility. Attraction is either there or it's not. So, what now? 

* You could stay married and be more or less best friends and roommates. 

*You could stay married and resume sex when he asks for it. Just close your eyes and think of England. 

*You could ask for an open marriage so the family stays intact and you and your husband are both free to have your physical and emotional needs met outside of the marriage. 

*You could amicably divorce and free both of you to find truly compatible partners.

Personally, I think staying married is the worst choice. Staying married deprives you both permanently. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't physically want and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't physically want me.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> People really need to get a grip. Shaming and fear mongering isn't helpful. Turns out, it's entirely possible to divorce amicably, date responsibly, and find a new partner who is actually compatible on all levels, physical included.
> 
> So what if he's a great guy? He's not the right great guy for OP or she wouldn't be here.
> 
> ...




Then again OP has implied she will self destruct, go for bad boys who won't care about her or her kids, and search for someone who doesn't value her because she desires the chase. Oh yeah and the fubar FOO issues

So no, I don't call it shaming to point out that is dysfunctional, not in her best interests, and not in the best interest of her kids. But I guess she'll get hot going after those losers. So there's that


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> MJJEAN said:
> 
> 
> > People really need to get a grip. Shaming and fear mongering isn't helpful. Turns out, it's entirely possible to divorce amicably, date responsibly, and find a new partner who is actually compatible on all levels, physical included.
> ...


The OP did NOT imply that at all.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Maybe your husband willingly moved into the other bedroom because he feels the same as you OP. Possibly you both have been living a lie and he just does a better job of faking than you. Maybe you both are afraid to talk about the elephant in the room. I think you need to have the talk soon.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

an unrealistic view of what real love is.



Thats what I see.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> an unrealistic view of what real love is.
> 
> 
> 
> Thats what I see.


It's not unrealistic or unreasonable to be attracted to your partner. Or even just not physically chemically repulsed by them. The smell thing is real. It doesn't have to be a BAD smell, but she just is not chemically attracted to him. Scent--pheromones are a real part of sexual attraction. They have done studies on this.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I absolutely agree, and I hold my breath around my H too. He's a mouth breather and smells like rubber most of the time. He also loves eating smelly food (onion, garlic), which combined with rubber, smell awful. The smell thing is real for sure, and it's not always something that a new cologne can fix. Unless it's drinkable cologne...

And no, OP, you're not unrealistic for wanting to be attracted to your partner. Hell, minus a few years and kids, I could've written your post.



Livvie said:


> It's not unrealistic or unreasonable to be attracted to your partner. Or even just not physically chemically repulsed by them. * The smell thing is real.* It doesn't have to be a BAD smell, but she just is not chemically attracted to him. Scent--pheromones are a real part of sexual attraction. They have done studies on this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> The OP did NOT imply that at all.


No. But the fear is that she may well slip back into that lifestyle again.

Like when an alcoholic starts hanging out with friends who drink excessively. They fully intend to stick to water or soda pop but eventually they decided to have 'just one drink' and undo 11 years of sobriety.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Then again OP has implied she will self destruct, go for bad boys who won't care about her or her kids, and search for someone who doesn't value her because she desires the chase. Oh yeah and the fubar FOO issues
> 
> So no, I don't call it shaming to point out that is dysfunctional, not in her best interests, and not in the best interest of her kids. But I guess she'll get hot going after those losers. So there's that
> 
> ...


I didn't see her imply anything of the sort. She explained where her head was over a _decade_ ago and how that contributed to her decision to marry a man she wasn't into. Big difference. She's had over a decade and become a parent since then. I get the impression, were she to leave, that she'll be seeking out another good guy who she actually finds sexually appealing.

Also, if we're going to talk dysfunction, I'd like to point out that being in a marriage where you do not find your spouse sexually appealing and are actively repelled by his scent and touch is fairly dysfunctional.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

I have had years of counselling and have sorted out my past. No issues there, I have worked through everything, we have also seen a counsellor together to try and bring the intimacy back with no luck as yet. As I said in the post. My life is sorted out. I have completely turned my life around. Have a successful job, do dancing 5 times a week, no to the gym, have passions I peruse - including nutrition and my own food blog. I wish this was coming from me not being happy but the truth is I am happy with in myself, but just not with him.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Thanks for your post - it rings true and you may have hit the nail on the head. However I didn't mention anything about now wanting to go for bad boys. As I said I have turned my live around and have absolutely no interest in bad boys. I liked bad boys cause I was a bad girl. I am now a successful business woman, on the committee of the kindergarter, fit and healthy and have my own healthy eating blog. I want someone who is as passionate and responsible as I am otherwise it would never work. Thanks so much - I'm going to take on those options as you mentioned very seriously. Best wishes.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Very true, I have thought about this. However he has always said that he %100 knows where is heart and feelings lie and if anyone was going to leave it would always be me. However now he knows my feelings, I'm wondering if he will be able to live with it if we were to stay together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AJBrooks said:


> I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.
> 
> I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.
> 
> ...


If you had a friend who you found so utterly irritating and annoying, how long would you keep them as your friend? :scratchhead:

I just hope that your irritation and annoyance with him will not become disdain or even worse.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

AJBrooks said:


> However now he knows my feelings, I'm wondering if he will be able to live with it if we were to stay together.


No. He won't. Because he is a good man and will or does realize if you love something you set it free if it wants to go. But know this, once you undo his love you may never be able to get it back should you realize that you are actually in love with him. I'd get some counseling first for you. It can't hurt and won't take that much time from your life, unless you are chomping at the bit to get back into the dating pool.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Absolutely not - this was 20 years ago. I am a mature, straight laced, fit & healthy, responsible, self aware, compassionate, successful and hard working woman. Bad boys make me sick! I would have absolutely no desire to go there again. All I want is a spark which I never had. The heart and head thing I understand, however from what I have read you have to have both for it to work long term. If you don't have a spark to begin with, what do you have to go back to? This is not about me finding a new partner it's about me being fair to myself and my husband and being responsible for my feelings. Your feelings are there for a reason and if you deny them they eat you up. As it has for 4 hours a day 11 years.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> It was one thing to subject your physical and mental health to a bad boy when you were young and single.....but it is not okay to do that when you have young children...and you end up possibly subjecting them to another one of mom's boyfriend who frighten us or worse...then all you are doing is repeating your history for them, with the possibility of one of them becoming you...could you live with that? ...so don't you think it should stop with you? What ever this is between your husband and you not feeling it, you owe it to your kids and him to find out why you feel this way....seek help first before attempting to move on....otherwise leave the family alone....if you want to be a train wreck do it alone.


Absolutely not - this was 20 years ago. I am a mature, straight laced, fit & healthy, responsible, self aware, compassionate, successful and hard working woman. Bad boys make me sick! I would have absolutely no desire to go there again. All I want is a spark which I never had. The heart and head thing I understand, however from what I have read you have to have both for it to work long term. If you don't have a spark to begin with, what do you have to go back to? This is not about me finding a new partner it's about me being fair to myself and my husband and being responsible for my feelings. Your feelings are there for a reason and if you deny them they eat you up. As it has for 4 hours a day 11 years.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> If you had a friend who you found so utterly irritating and annoying, how long would you keep them as your friend? :scratchhead:
> 
> I just hope that your irritation and annoyance with him will not become disdain or even worse.


I think repulsion has come from actually being married to him and feeling trapped. If I wasn't I would like to think it would go away. By the way, he is OCD. He showers 3 times a day and still smells. I have tried to bring this up with him several times and he just gets angry and turns it back on me. SO I have given up.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I have to say, man that's crappy.

I'm afraid I haven't read all the responses but I would imagine that a few of them have a pretty sharp edge. I hope I'm not piling on the crap.

It's unfortunate that we can't make ourselves dislike the things that are bad for us and love the things that we should love, life doesn't work like that. If it did I would hate chocolate cake and love my waist line, but alas its not that simple.

There are so many women out there that love the bad boys. They represent danger, excitement, thrills and the good guys represent boredom, routine and safety, eventually (with a little luck and a few bad experiences) they learn from the many hurts they endure and come to appreciate the men that aren't that way. I want to make sure I point something out here, you'll notice I said "bad boys" and "men". and that's because that's what they are. Boys that are immature selfish and destructive versus Men that do what's right and do right by their family's and their loved ones because that is what a man is.

I'm not sure why it is that you never grew out of that phase and keep in mind I don't condemn you for it, but what ever it is, it is the same self destructive path that you will end up going down again if you allow yourself. I feel sorry for both you and your husband. It's unfortunate for you being in a position of knowing what is right and you simply can't find yourself the strength to want it. Its unfortunate for your husband to be in the situation of having placed faith and love into a person that simply cant reciprocate it. Most importantly it is unfortunate for the two kids that you've brought into the world.

Even if you are able to endure continuing on in your relationship for now eventually it will be at your own destruction as you will gradually hate your life until you spiral into a depression that you can't cope with. The time to have had this epiphany was before you had kids because you have made them the casualties of this.

Nobody should be forced into staying simply because it's the right thing for everybody but you but at the same token is it fair to make everybody else pay the price because you couldn't be honest with yourself from the start. Nobody should be forced to live a life where they are deprived of feeling the euphoria of loving somebody and the joy that brings into your life.

I'm so, so sorry for all of you. I don't envy you as there will be no winners on this one.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

frusdil said:


> No fighting, no abuse either verbal or physical, no addiction issues, infidelity issues nil. A calm, harmonious home and family and you want to rip your children's happy lives apart?? Seriously???
> 
> Did you think about this before you had your first child? The second?


I have had counselling on and off my whole life, I have always faced my past and done as much as I possible can to be the best person I can be and get over it. I think I have worked through as much as I can and it's not something that is in the forefront of my mind at all anymore. As far as children. I honestly thought I could work on the chemistry, and that if I continued to work on myself then I would learn to love my husband. However the better I get, the worse I feel about him. Sometimes I feel like if he worked on his issues and tried to become more self aware I might love him more, but then I let that go too because I feel like if I loved him in the right way I would just accept those things. As far as the kids go. There will be no TEARING their lives apart! My husband and I have agreed on everything including bringing them up in the same home (we will do the moving), finances, 50/50 co-parenting, family time together, holidays. We have never argued about any of the big stuff like that in the past and we trust each-other %100. Of course this will affect them and that absolutely breaks my heart and scares the hell out of me. However how bad is it for them to have non loving parents as an example of what love should look like?


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

bankshot1993 said:


> I have to say, man that's crappy.
> 
> I'm afraid I haven't read all the responses but I would imagine that a few of them have a pretty sharp edge. I hope I'm not piling on the crap.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your insightful message. I don't remember ever mentioning anything about not growing out of "wanting the bad boys". I have absolutely no desire for this and in fact the thought of them makes my stomach churn. In fact, I'm not even wanting a new partner and haven't really even thought about it. The bad boys thing was 20 years ago!! I'm nearly 40 now and have turned my life around by VERY hard work, continuous therapy, fitness, health, learning my faults and working through issues. This is a case of making a choice only with my head and leaving my heart behind, and my heart is battling with me every day. You have to remember, I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing. And in a way I probably was. Unfortunately now, things haven't improved but gotten worse as how I feel towards my husband. As he has OCD and a few other issues - I sometimes wonder that if he had worked on himself as much as me things might be better.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> First, you move into the spare room and let your husband have the bedroom since you're the one who isn't happy.
> 
> Second, you enjoy the chase so tell your husband to stop treating you like an entitled princess.
> 
> Third, you can change your feelings for him. Get therapy and redefine your definition of love. Once the lightbulb goes on, you may experience the physical attraction. All marriages require work. And, physical attraction will only take you so far in a relationship.


Thanks for your message, through loads of therapy I have found that unfortunately my feelings towards him have not changed. As far as bedrooms go. I insisted that he had the bedroom but he would NOT do it. He wants to give me the space i'm craving. I would give and arm and leg to change the way I feel. Hopefully when we see the therapist again together we can keep trying to achieve this.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like you have everything figured out.

This is going to sound condescending, but it's not. It's honest. 

What were you wanting to gain from posting?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Maybe if he WOULD do stuff like giving you the bedroom you've have more respect for him. He sounds like somewhat of a doormat.

Would you rather he 'make love' to you or **** you? If he did **** you once in a while would that help? I only ask because I wish my husband would do that to me, but he won't, and I resent it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If this man is showering 3 times a day and still smells, please get him to a doctor or dentist. Something isn't right. Even if you don't stay with him, insist that he be checked out.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Okay AJ,

just for kicks i went back to your original statement/question....do you want to take a guess how many times you used I/me vs. we? 45 vs. 5,

look at your questions....you may have shed the bad girl images, you may have shed the going after bad boy, but what you have not shed and have carried into your marriage and exist still today... is this self-centerness.....your needs, your wants, your dream over everyone else...your accomplishments, your successes, you do not talk about the love for your children, i suspect the rule in the house is "if mommy ain't happy no one else is"....let's go back to the number of I/me to we's....that tells me a lot and if you were really honest with yourself you would take ownership of that....and demonstrates a very sad character flaw. Are your needs greater than anyone else in the family....i suspect the kids have a warmer relationship with your husband than with you....i do not say this to be mean but for you to be reflective. Your a very selfish person.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

AJBrooks said:


> Thanks for your insightful message. I don't remember ever mentioning anything about not growing out of "wanting the bad boys". I have absolutely no desire for this and in fact the thought of them makes my stomach churn. In fact, I'm not even wanting a new partner and haven't really even thought about it. The bad boys thing was 20 years ago!! I'm nearly 40 now and have turned my life around by VERY hard work, continuous therapy, fitness, health, learning my faults and working through issues. This is a case of making a choice only with my head and leaving my heart behind, and my heart is battling with me every day. You have to remember, I thought I was doing the RIGHT thing. And in a way I probably was. Unfortunately now, things haven't improved but gotten worse as how I feel towards my husband. As he has OCD and a few other issues - I sometimes wonder that if he had worked on himself as much as me things might be better.


I can relate to a degree.

My spouse and I have been together for over thirty years. The last few years she is becoming somebody that I simply don't like. It hard to see somebody (in my case) that you once loved, and watch them become somebody totally different.

In your case you made the right choice for the right reason in hopes of making it work but can't. Still the same end result.

If I could just simply choose to love my wife again I would because it would be so much easier but unfortunately I can't do that any more than you can force yourself to love your husband no matter how simple it would make everything.

Its a tough call when you have to decide who takes the bullet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AJBrooks said:


> I think repulsion has come from actually being married to him and feeling trapped. If I wasn't I would like to think it would go away. By the way, he is OCD. He showers 3 times a day and still smells. I have tried to bring this up with him several times and he just gets angry and turns it back on me. SO I have given up.


If he really does have a severe body odour problem and he tries to combat this -with only limited success, you say- by showering three times a day, how would that be OCD?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> If this man is showering 3 times a day and still smells, please get him to a doctor or dentist. Something isn't right. Even if you don't stay with him, insist that he be checked out.


:iagree:

https://www.harleyhealthcentre.com/...melly-armpits-sign-serious-illness-see-doctor

Armpit Sweating (Axillary Hyperhidrosis) - Valley Health System

For example.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Okay AJ,
> 
> just for kicks i went back to your original statement/question....do you want to take a guess how many times you used I/me vs. we? 45 vs. 5,
> 
> look at your questions....you may have shed the bad girl images, you may have shed the going after bad boy, but what you have not shed and have carried into your marriage and exist still today... is this self-centerness.....your needs, your wants, your dream over everyone else...your accomplishments, your successes, you do not talk about the love for your children, i suspect the rule in the house is "if mommy ain't happy no one else is"....let's go back to the number of I/me to we's....that tells me a lot and if you were really honest with yourself you would take ownership of that....and demonstrates a very sad character flaw. Are your needs greater than anyone else in the family....i suspect the kids have a warmer relationship with your husband than with you....i do not say this to be mean but for you to be reflective. Your a very selfish person.


Wow, how can you possible tell someone is selfish without knowing them? Crazy how you can come up with such an assumption. At this stage, unfortunately the way I feel effects everyone else in the family which is why I am desperately trying to sort it out. No my husband does not have a better relationship with our children. We are extremely close and have a VERY loving warm and healthy family relationship. However, you are right in some ways. The ****ting childhood I had unfortunately has caused me a lot of issues and my poor husband has had to put up with me going through depression when we first met and being an un-happy person which is horrendous for him and I actually grieve FOR him and his feelings and what he is going through, through his situation. Believe me, I am the first person to think about other peoples feels as well as my own and how they effect other people.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> If he really does have a severe body odour problem and he tries to combat this -with only limited success, you say- by showering three times a day, how would that be OCD?


OCD - cleaning fetish - mainly with the house and having to have everything perfect all the time....long story


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok @AJBrooks sorry to have misunderstood your OP - as so many did - and it looks like we all spent a lot of time clarifying that.

So I understand - to a degree - the OCD thing. My neighbor has that and picks up trash throughout the town etc and it was VERY hard on his daughters growing up. The oldest came back from freshman year with lots of earrings and a couple piercings - the message was clear that she was breaking away from that upbringing. (Unusual in our horribly conservative town). She calmed down and is a wonderful wife and mom - I think it was just a statement - but the impact of the OCD on the family has been significant.

The odor thing sounds horrible. I've known a couple of people like that - years and years ago and yet it still stands out. I don't know if anything can be done.

The reaction on TAM is partly due to the number of cases where a spouse gets a wild hair or MLC or reaction to tragedy and leaves the marriage - emotionally or physically. It's common here and its painful and it also involves rewriting marital history. Unfortunately many start to look back at a good marriage and remember only negatives when they're in this mode. So your OP probably sounded this way since you didn't say you had addressed your past, and now that you're healthy, you are trying to address the decision you made to get married.

Anyway getting that behind, in a perfect scenario, what would your H have to do or become to salvage this? Is it just too much with the OCD? Etc. tell us your thinking there 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AJBrooks said:


> OCD - cleaning fetish - mainly with the house and having to have everything perfect all the time....long story


So it's not just based on the three showers a day.

Does he have treatment for his OCD?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

My wife's farts are horrible. Pretty much the worse thing I ever smelled. But I am more of a health-nut and with diet - her farts are rarely deadly.

Even when she smelled bad, it didn't effect the way I thought of her - but glad that getting her to eat better, resolved that problem.


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## AJBrooks (Mar 7, 2017)

Spicy said:


> No marriage is ever perfect. We trade off on certain features.
> 
> Sometimes, when we get far out from the honeymoon phase, we tend to look back with a lot of negativity, which can help our minds justify things such as leaving a good spouse. For instance, when you got engaged, were you excited and happy, or were you sad and disappointed? I kinda doubt that you would have made your vows if you weren't in love.
> 
> ...


You have to have been in love to fall back in love though apparently. Wish this wasn't the case. I am a passionate person too. Especially when it comes to my children and my heart is with them at the moment. So just need to figure out how to do this in a positive way so we can still be good role models.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Livvie said:


> It's not unrealistic or unreasonable to be attracted to your partner. Or even just not physically chemically repulsed by them. The smell thing is real. It doesn't have to be a BAD smell, but she just is not chemically attracted to him. Scent--pheromones are a real part of sexual attraction. They have done studies on this.


I guess her nose just started working. maybe she had a cold before they married and now its clear as a bell.

:scratchhead:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

AJBrooks said:


> As far as the kids go. There will be no TEARING their lives apart! My husband and I have agreed on everything including bringing them up in the same home (we will do the moving), finances, 50/50 co-parenting, family time together, holidays. We have never argued about any of the big stuff like that in the past and we trust each-other %100.


Make no mistake, a divorce, even an amicable one WILL tear your children's lives apart. They will lose their foundation, their sense of security, their belief in marriage.

The kids staying in the house and you and your husband moving in and out is commendable, and probably how it should be but what happens when one of you meets someone new? Are the new partners going to be moving in and out with you? How cosy.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If your divorce is friendly like you say then most likley the kids will be fine.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> If your divorce is friendly like you say then most likley the kids will be fine.


They will still be very hurt.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> They will still be very hurt.


Maybe maybe not . And if so ......so be it I personaly think we shield our childern tooooooo much life is ulgy sometime and they need to know that and have coping skills to deaal with what life throws at them.


Children are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Kinda of like when they fall down and scrap their knee. If you run over screaming oh my god are you alright histerical and emotional the usually star balling like the have a broken leg. But if you stay calm and say your all right just a little scrap rub some dirt in it . They have a much less of a reaction.

Same with divorce if stay calm and explain it in a manner yhey can understand and not be angry vandictive and hurtfull then them should be fine


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Maybe maybe not . And if so ......so be it I personaly think we shield our childern tooooooo much life is ulgy sometime and they need to know that and have coping skills to deaal with what life throws at them.
> 
> 
> Children are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Kinda of like when they fall down and scrap their knee. If you run over screaming oh my god are you alright histerical and emotional the usually star balling like the have a broken leg. But if you stay calm and say your all right just a little scrap rub some dirt in it . They have a much less of a reaction.
> ...


So you haven't come from a broken home then? They will be hurt and have their worlds rocked to its foundations. 
Its nothing to do with being over protective.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> I guess her nose just started working. maybe she had a cold before they married and now its clear as a bell.
> 
> :scratchhead:


Or perhaps he has developed an illness or started taking medication that can cause horrendous body odour?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Maybe maybe not . And if so ......so be it I personaly think we shield our childern tooooooo much life is ulgy sometime and they need to know that and have coping skills to deaal with what life throws at them.
> 
> 
> Children are much more resiliant than we give them credit for. Kinda of like when they fall down and scrap their knee. If you run over screaming oh my god are you alright histerical and emotional the usually star balling like the have a broken leg. But if you stay calm and say your all right just a little scrap rub some dirt in it . They have a much less of a reaction.
> ...


She would have to lie to them.

After all, "your father's stink is so bad I have to place a pillow between us when we go to bed, the thought of him kissing me makes me want to hurl and whenever he touches me, it makes my flesh crawl and I no longer love him at all. Though I have to admit he is a decent chap in some other ways," really would not play well with the children of the marriage.

Replies like: "He doesn't smell to me!" and: "He doesn't make my flesh crawl!" "If he is so bad, how come you and he made us together?" would open up a mega size can of worms.

If divorce does come the best thing to say to the children are anodyne platitudes: "We have drifted apart, it's not the fault of either one of us and you children are certainly not to blame, we both still love you very much and so forth, etc., etc., etc."


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So you haven't come from a broken home then? They will be hurt and have their worlds rocked to its foundations.
> Its nothing to do with being over protective.


many children know their parents have fallen out of love and would prefer they divorce rather than them feeling bad because their just staying in aa loveless marriage for the sake of them.

and even if their world is rocked to its foundation as you put it. its still might be better in the long run.

do you think your life would have been much better if your parents stayed together even though they didn't love each other? 

I am not a get divorced for frivolousness reasons but I do think the parents can divorce and still be good parents if there is no vindictive actions going on.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She would have to lie to them.
> 
> After all, "your father's stink is so bad I have to place a pillow between us when we go to bed, the thought of him kissing me makes me want to hurl and whenever he touches me, it makes my flesh crawl and I no longer love him at all. Though I have to admit he is a decent chap in some other ways," really would not play well with the children of the marriage.
> 
> ...


she wouldn't have to go in to the details she could just say we fell out of love but we both still have our children as a priority and we both love you just like always. and then let your loveing actions show that your both committed to being good parents.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK lets get this right.

You were a bad girl who pursued bad boys to satisfy her own needs to get the buzz and excitement.

Some of these needs were met as a result, but generally it ended with you becoming depressed and broken.

You then pursued a good boy to satisfy her own needs to fix herself.

This was then achieved with support from your husband and you have now become a successful, balanced (questionable) and healthy lady.

[So far, pretty selfish focus on yourself - whoever pointed that out earlier is absolutely correct].

You say that despite your feelings, you now have a loving, warm and healthy relationship - YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT and never did from what I can see.

Timeline wise ….

You met your husband and was attracted to him and fell in love. You had 5 years of not being married or no kids to recognise that awful SMELL/STINK that he has and the absence of the SPARK you are looking for (that you had with other bad boys previously) but somehow the STINK and absence of SPARK did not make itself known or you did not act on it. Could not bring yourself to do something decent and leave. To understand why, go back to the previous comment about you being selfish (you still needed to develop yourself all the time fooling yourself and your partner that you had a "loving, warm and healthy relationship". You did this because there was still more stuff to fix, dance classes to attend, a business to build etc. -- for you!)

Then you got married and had two kids. Now you had everything you needed, suddenly the STINK made itself known and so did the absence of the SPARK! And now you have to do something about this (for yourself, of course, else it wouldn't be fair to you). Also his OCD and washing 3 times a day became a major problem.

What I am not clear about is whether your husband actually knows exactly how you feel. On the one hand you don't want to tell him because it will hurt him (actually, because it will make you look selfish and bad) and on the other hand you say he knows and you have already discussed how the split will work (still manipulating him, huh).

You swapped your self-esteem problems for a whole new set of self-entitlement and selfish problems.

The others are advising you to go to counselling before you do anything. I strongly advise this as you still appear to be completely broken and really need help. There is a shed load more to fix in you. The only thing is that I hope (for your husband's and family's sake) that the result of the counselling is for you to let your husband go to find true love and partnership and that you give him an amicable and easy divorce to set him free with minimal damage.

Get help in seeing what you have really become!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> she wouldn't have to go in to the details she could just say we fell out of love but we both still have our children as a priority and we both love you just like always. and then let your loveing actions show that your both committed to being good parents.


That might still be a lie. What if her husband still loves her? He could not say, in honesty, that he had fallen out of love with his wife, as that would be a lie.

It's going to be difficult, however she handles it.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I keep hearing that your husband stinks. What do you mean by he "smells"? Is it bo? Because if he showers 3Xs a day thats questionable. 

Or is this a smells that comes from deep within him?

Or is it a smell that is in your head?

Certain diseases can have a smell. And if you really resent or find someone really unattractive your brain can attach a bad odor to that person. Making them become repulsive. Just saying.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AJBrooks said:


> have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell


That's pretty much all you need to have written. Women have a POWERFUL sense of smell when it comes to mates which stems from caveman days.

How do you know better than ANY other nonverbal indicator if your woman is into you?!? She LOVES your smell. Not your cologne, your NATURAL smell.

In other words, the pheromones you put out make her enamored with you. These are the chemicals that keep her from lusting after other men.

Let this be a tale to all men on TAM. Mark my words...... If your spouse/gf EVER tells you she does not enjoy your smell, then its OVER.

That's a nice way of saying she is REPULSED by you and completely CHECKED OUT. Just drive to the attorney's office boyos and file ASAP.

That's the point of no return. Unless you got a bottle of this.....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@AJBrooks, you say with honesty that you don't love your husband.
I'd say that the answer in that case is really simple - just let him go.

He deserves to be free to be with a woman that truly loves him for who he is.
You deserve to find and be with a man you truly love and desire.

It sounds like you came together when you needed to heal from some issues. You were a work in progress.
Unfortunately, when you healed, the thing that drew you to him in the first place (security) was no longer a need for you, because you improved your life and your prospects.

So, again, I would say to just let him go. Work out the most amicable solution for divorce and division of assets, and custody of/time with the children.

Some people recommend marriage counseling, which I would normally concur with, but you just don't have love in your heart for him, and that would already make MC a fruitless endeavour.

Unless your husband is really oblivious, he's probably fully aware that you don't want to connect with him intimately.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> That might still be a lie. What if her husband still loves her? He could not say, in honesty, that he had fallen out of love with his wife, as that would be a lie.
> 
> It's going to be difficult, however she handles it.


:scratchhead:

ok 

if someone still loves someone who tells them their smell is repulsive and they don't and never really loved them in the first place. and they still refuse to take a hint then :scratchhead:


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> So you haven't come from a broken home then? They will be hurt and have their worlds rocked to its foundations.


Have you ever lived in a broken home? I ask because it's worse than coming from one.

Child of divorce here. My parents divorced when I was a baby and by the time I even knew that this wasn't exactly the norm, I knew other kids in the same situation. It was completely normal to me. It didn't affect me in the slightest.

However, I had friends whose parents stuck together "for the kids" in very dysfunctional marriages and they have told me that they wished their parents got divorced. One of my friends from college said that at 8 years old, she told her mother to divorce her father because of how cold and critical he was. My husband remembers being relieved when his parents divorced with he was 4 or 5 because his father was an alcoholic and both his parents would get into physical altercations. 

It's not as clear cut as kids will always be devastated by a divorce and I find it offensive when people drone on about how kids of divorce's lives are ruined or that they are broken from it. When they say that, do they even realize they're saying their own friends, family, or even partner is irreparably broken due to something that happened years ago between their parents? People overcome much worse. Some times a divorce is the best thing that can happen for everyone involved and even when it's not, most kids bounce back from it especially if it's amicable. 
@AJBrooks, I think that you sound like you have had the time, experience, and therapy to be able to make an informed and healthy decision for yourself. You don't have to stay if all you will ever feel is "meh" about your husband and intimacy is always difficult for you. That is not fair to you or him even though he said he would support you if you stayed. As long as you're kind, respectful, and at least some what affectionate with one another in front of the kids, I don't think you're doing damage to them if you stay together and getting divorced won't be the end of their world.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's pretty much all you need to have written. Women have a POWERFUL sense of smell when it comes to mates which stems from caveman days.
> 
> How do you know better than ANY other nonverbal indicator if your woman is into you?!? She LOVES your smell. Not your cologne, your NATURAL smell.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU!!!! I was actually going to post something similar, but my power has been off and on due to high winds over the last few days and I never got a chance.

I figured in the first post OP was talking about her husband's natural scent. Scent, at least for some women, is HUGELY important. It's part of the whole chemical, physical, sexual attraction package. 

I never noticed it back when I was a young teen and 20-something, but I'd never been into the natural scent of a man. I could like his body wash or his cologne or even his laundry soap, but the natural scent of men I'd been with was "meh" to me. When I met DH I became addicted to his scent the second I smelled him. His breath, the scent of his skin, even his sweat. I think his natural scent is better than any cologne or body wash, hands down. I've actually lost track of what I'm saying mid sentence because I caught his scent unexpectedly and just...*sigh* When he was working over the road, I wouldn't wash the sheets and pillowcases until the day he was due home because I liked the bed smelling of him. 17 years together and the attraction hasn't diminished a bit. I still find him, including his scent, intoxicating.

If OP's H's scent is repellent to her on some kind of primal, instinctive, level, all the showers and cologne in the world won't fix it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> ok
> 
> if someone still loves someone who tells them their smell is repulsive and they don't and never really loved them in the first place. and they still refuse to take a hint then :scratchhead:


She needs to be honest.

"I do not love your father any more."

However, I think the best thing to do would be to give him 100% cudstody.

After all, wouldn't want the situation to develop down the road where he says: "Say, kids... do you smell something a little unpeasant? Or maybe it's just you?"


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> She needs to be honest.
> 
> "I do not love your father any more."
> 
> ...


I'm a bit surprised at your general tone on this thread. It seems...snarkier.. than usual. I wonder if something said has triggered you emotionally or if there is some kind of communication breakdown/lost in translation thing going on. Here, women are often told by society (friends family etc) that they should marry nice, stable, men who are their "best friends" and attraction is rarely mentioned if it's mentioned at all. It's not surprising that some underestimate the importance of attraction and end up in sour marriages contemplating divorce.

OP married and had children with a great guy that she was not sexually attracted to or romantically in love with. She is, by a large margin, not the first woman in history to decide on a mate hoping that attraction and romantic love would grow. Over time, this lack of attraction has turned to outright repulsion. She's been to counseling. She's tried. Wanting to be free of a romantic partner she isn't in love with and isn't even attracted to doesn't make her a bad person or a bad mother.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm a bit surprised at your general tone on this thread. It seems...snarkier.. than usual. I wonder if something said has triggered you emotionally or if there is some kind of communication breakdown/lost in translation thing going on. Here, women are often told by society (friends family etc) that they should marry nice, stable, men who are their "best friends" and attraction is rarely mentioned if it's mentioned at all. It's not surprising that some underestimate the importance of attraction and end up in sour marriages contemplating divorce.
> 
> OP married and had children with a great guy that she was not sexually attracted to or romantically in love with. She is, by a large margin, not the first woman in history to decide on a mate hoping that attraction and romantic love would grow. Over time, this lack of attraction has turned to outright repulsion. She's been to counseling. She's tried. Wanting to be free of a romantic partner she isn't in love with and isn't even attracted to doesn't make her a bad person or a bad mother.


But this will be so, only as long as the children do not start to remind her of their father.

The number of people who I have seen emotionally scarred by parents who say: "You are just like your no good father/mother!" is far more than is good.

Counselling is great. But it will not work if the person being counselled does not want it to work, even if they subconsciously sabotage it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> But this will be so, only as long as the children do not start to remind her of their father.
> 
> The number of people who I have seen emotionally scarred by parents who say: "You are just like your no good father/mother!" is far more than is good.
> 
> Counselling is great. But it will not work if the person being counselled does not want it to work, even if they subconsciously sabotage it.


OP doesn't strike me as someone who would say something like that to her children. She seems to like her husband as a person, but just isn't in love or even lust with him. If I were placing bets, I'd lay my money on an amicable divorce (if she decides to leave) and a friendly co-parenting relationship.

Counseling can be great, depending on the counselor and the client being willing to do the work. The problem here is that counseling cannot manufacture romantic love or attraction. If it could, struggling gay folk and their therapists would have figured out how by now.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

AJBrooks said:


> I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.
> 
> I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.
> 
> ...


U r very lucky to have such husband who cares for u n ur childrens, I think u should not ruine it,he is there for u hold him don't spoil everything

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

AJBrooks said:


> I am wondering if anyone is in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.
> 
> I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships ending in heartbreak, I was really insecure and messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships. So I denied the feelings of my heart because I lost trust in my heart and made a decision based on my head.
> 
> ...


And about ur problem u go for counseling n u must go without delay otherwise it will spoil u n others

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