# Eating Disorder, Depression - Please help



## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

Hi first time poster here. Not really sure if I'm in the right place.

My wife (29) has had an Eating Disorder for approx ten years. Over ths time she constanly dismissed the idea, created diversions, put it on the long finger, basically tried to ignore the inevitable (As did all her family might I add) 

I'm going to try give a brief timeline as to what has happened so far.

She has admitted all this so I'm not reading between any lines here

She had a difficult childhood. Parents alway fighting etc. Exposed to way too much info at your ages and through out their lives (She is one of three girls. They all have individual issues) Parents sex lives etc?? Mother always saying 'I should have left your Father years ago' then this is followed by a phone call from the father 'what do you think if your Mum says this or that etc' I could go on all night about this but I'm sure you can see what I mean. 

The Father (and his brothers actually) has a history of depression and is on mediaction for this. Off the three girls, she's always been the Daddy's girl and takes after his family the most.

At 16 she got invoved with her first real boyfriend. This relationship lasted 4/5 years. She has told me that he was a very possesive and controlling person. He basically dictated what she wore, how she acted, who she was friendly with etc. He was from a well respected family and she said she felt she needed to belong? I'm guessing she just wanted a normal family surrounding? She said he was mentally abusive but no more. I dont know if he ever hit her or anything. 

This relationship breaks up and by her own admission she couldnt cope with it. She went 'broke free' I guess. Went out a lot, casual relationships etc. She had fun - who could blame her??

At the age of 22 she went on a year long trip to Austrailia. This lasted 3 months as she missed home! She admits that she was still just running away from her real problems. 
Upon her return she basically ate nothing, excercised non-stop and lived on coffee and cigerettes. After 6 months of this (No counselling ever) she got a new job. 

This is where we met. I can genuinely say that the first time I set eyes on her, I knew she was special. I swear I'm not just saying that incase she reads this one day!

Things moved very quickly for us from day one. 

She got pregnant 6 months into our relationship. (Still the best little surprise of our lives. Our son is 5 years old now and the pride and joy of our lives) I bought into the house where she was living. She co-own the house with her parents. I bought the parents half so we would own our own home. 

Our baby was born.

We moved house the following year.

We got engaged.

We got married in 2007. 

Throughout this time it was obvious to me that she had an ED. During our courting stage, I would try bring her to nice restaurants and she would only ever order salad etc. Never eat dinner at home etc. When I tried to bring this up it was just fobbed off. I was making an issue about nothing.

Before our wedding we had been having a regular argument about something not important when she just came into the same room as me and basically broke down. She said she knew she had an Eating Disorder and that she knew she needed help. It was like it was the break through we needed. She agreed that the following day she would seek a counsellor and I assured her that she had my full support, I admired her bravery and that I was so proud of her. Our relationship for the following month was amazing. She said to me that for the first time in her life she felt as if things were going to be ok. 

She never made that appointment and again just fobbed me off. The wedding came around and I suppose we/she lost focus. I was pointless me pesturing her about it. Whats the point in her going if it was not of her own free will?

After the wedding its as if her world came crashing down. She was working hard ( She is an air hostess and was often travelling over time zone's or up at 4am for ealy starts etc) This went on for months. About Xmas time (we were 4 months married at this stage) she says that she sisnt want to be in a relationship anymore. She stopped wearing her wedding rings and spent some time in the spare room. I would say I was surprised at this as to me she never made any effort at our marriage. How could she? She never ate, constantly tired and self obsesed beyond believe when it came to body image. She constantly felt fat, this depressed her so even when she did want to do stuff together she was no fun! This went on for approx 4 months. She went to a pals wedding in Dubai (On her own) When she returned, she said she missed me and wanted to take things slowly. Things were great for a while but slowly decended into the same thing again. She blamed our relationship for her feeling like this. We fought, but I refused to let my marriage slip away from me. How can you have a successful marriage when built on a foundation like this?
We basically have been living together for the last two years. No sex - no effection. 
Back in March of this year I pleaded with her and her family to go see a doctor. I was my belief that she would die. Eventually she agreed to go to a doctor who prescribed anti-depressants. She then went to see a physcologist who referred her to be admitted into a hospital that treats ED patients on a 6 week in-patient course. I suggested this to her 9 months previous and she came around to the idea. She has not worked in 6 months. She is on a waiting list for this programme but this can be anywhere from 3-6 months. This news devastated her as the waiting now seems to be the hard part. I have done everything for her. Mortgage, bills, holidays along with the whole just being there when she gets low. I've tried to be super Dad so our little guys doesnt feel left out. Its like when she gets wound up or frstrated with anything, I'm the first thing she has a go at. 'I dont love you, just leave me, move on. Its very hard to hear someone you love say that to you. 

I believe in her, us and our marriage. I genuinely believe that when she goes into hospital, things will be different. I guess I'm just trying to be there if you know what I mean.

So onto today. Basically she found out that I told someone about her problems. That she was waiting to go into hospital, on meds etc. The reason I told this girl is because they worked together and was concerned that my wife hadnt been in working in 6 months, I know this person years and I know that our conversation would have been in total confidence. My wife foumd out and I mean went into a rage. She said that I had no right to do this and that I had humiliated her. That was obviously not my intention. She went so mad that she changed her facebook status to single in a deliberate attemps to hurt me or get me back. This is the final straw for me. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long thread.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Eating disorders are horrible to try and cure. My experience with them is that the person with one has enormous willpower and can be highly manipuative and devious to avoid treatment. They also strive to make themselves center of attention, while decrying the attention is unwanted.

At this point everyone knows she has a disorder. It's plain as the skin on her face if you're at the point of hospitalization.

The real issue here though isn't her, though she is obviously mindfking you into thinking that.

Obviously you are posting because you're at your wits ends and wondering how much more you can take.

So how are you doing?


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

Atholk said:


> So how are you doing?


I'm not doing too good to be honest. Since yesterday when she deliberatly changed her facebook status to 'single' I just feel totally blown out. There was no need for her to do that as I obvioulsy have friends, family and work colleagues who see this and now creates more and more pressure. It was just plain nasty in my opinion. I've taken my fair share of blows but you can disregard these, put it down to the fact that its her ED and or Depression but when you humiliate someone publicly like that, where do you go from there?

I've also found that yes her family and friends no she isnt well however she puts on such a front around other people that you'd well believe she all together. Then when at home with me she just crashes. Then this leads to 'I'm only ever like this around you, in our house etc' thus leading to further reafirm that she is not happy with 'me' and would be better off single. Very very frustrating. 
What gets me is that her friends and family know all this, yet still listen to the fact that she keeps saying she wants to leave. Not one person has turned around and said 'hey hang on there, your not exactly in a position to make such hasty decisions' or 'do you realise what you have and what your husband has put up with or done for you through out this?'
Nobody wants to be the one to take the 'happy' person away or are afraid of any potential backlash.
Its as if its just easier for everyone to just agree with her I just dont see how this is productive.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The person you fell in love with was really more of an image she presented rather than her real self. The entire disease process is about creating and maintaining this image of perfection - not just physical, but everything in general. The truth that she is in fact a total mess is the great secret to be protected at all costs.

Your role in the marriage is to enable her to keep her BS together. Look... nice husband, cute kid... _how perfect._ By telling someone else she has an eating disorder, you "betrayed her by telling someone the secret" and she is punishing you for it.

I'll be honest here - this is a mess you're in. I think you're married to someone very unwell mentally and physically, and the horror is it's all fixable by her having a few more sandwiches. So it's just awful to try and deal with.

Anyway... enough of her (remember that's her goal, to get all the focus on her), more on you.

Figure out what it is that you want from your life and marriage. Own your on power. Decide what you want and work towards that rather than spending all your energy on enabling her. Stop keeping the the secret shes wasting away when obviously everyone knows she has this huge issue. Tell her what sort of behavior you find unacceptable and stick to it.

She'll either fold and start improving, or just flip out and totally reject you. Sadly she'll likely do the latter, but either way you're better off.

Women with eating disorders are like feral cats. They look beautiful, but ultimately can never be housebroken and you can't get affection from them and they sink the claws in if you try. Plus they piss on everything.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Seems to me as a spouse you should be trying to help her, not put down ultimatuims.


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

preso said:


> Seems to me as a spouse you should be trying to help her, not put down ultimatuims.


This is how I feel. 

She is so mad and I mean sooo mad at me right now. I'm just so tired of it. 

I take the preious point of working towards what I want but what I want keeps hating me know matter what I do and it seems her friends and family just go along with her as to not rock the boat.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

maybe... she isn't ready to work on it


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

preso said:


> maybe... she isn't ready to work on it


I think an ultimatum to be in treatment is entirely appropriate, or she will simply avoid treatment.

Anorexia in Eating Disorders at ALLPSYCH Online


Put another way... Would you wait until a person with say schizophrenia wanted to "work on it"?


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

She is just so angry at me as she believes that this person I told will be gossiping her business aloud. I know that this is not the case. She actually hates me so much. She convinced she wants to separate. I haven't seen her so angry in years. She says that she wants nothing from me anymore, I will have nothing to do with her recovery, she doesn't want me to come into the hospital when she does go in. She says she'll never forgive me. She says that she struggled to admit she had a problem for ten years and i just go an blap it around? This is not the way it was. Jesus, I've lived with this now for 2/3 years. There is just no talking to her now and I really dont know what to do. I told her sister that I genuinely believe that when she comes out of hospital that things will be a little different. Now I dont mean live the perfect life straight away! I mean that she may realise in hospital, through therapy, that maybe I didnt give my marriage a chance. Maybe I wasnt in the right place to make such decisions or to act or behave the way she did. She says that I am deluded. Its a nasty nasty illness.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

JackStack said:


> Its a nasty nasty illness.


That's the harsh truth.

Listen I usually just leave short sardonic posts, but I really feel for you here, so getting a bit longer...

As a young guy I feel head over heels, love at first sight with a girl in my youth group. She was beautiful, smart, charming and elegant. And anorexic.

Harsh childhood, crazy ass family yada yada yada. At first she displayed no real attraction to me, so I just played the friend role and we hung out. I noticed that with any form of physical affection she would clench her entire body and lock in position. I'm talking something as simple as a touch on the shoulder.

Over time she basically became my best friend, while I waited for her to thaw out emotionally. I watched her pick at salads for years on end. I realized she would run herself into the ground to lose weight, and discovered that she had near zero sex drive (because of the starvation most likely).

She never thawed. Everything was on her terms or she was simply not available - either physically or emotionally. She would likely claim we never dated, claim she was never my girlfriend. My counterpoint to that would be hundreds of lunches in the cafe at university and sitting together in the library studying together for years, long phone calls. In my heart, I was her boyfriend. I poured love into her and got nothing like love back.

I do wonder about my old friend once in a while. I tried tracking her down a long time ago and no reply, though I think I must have gotten something to her once, just no response on her end. Always on her terms... _always on her terms._

She's like a bad movie I walked out on. I don't want to watch the movie, I just want to know how it finished.

Anyway that was all long ago, and I moved on and married someone sweet, special, smart and sexy. Plus she has a great ass. Marrying my wife is easily the best decision I ever made, and she is my greatest and most tender love. Of all the women I dated, she is my first and best choice. 

I do not offer advice here. I simply tell my story. A post about my wife would be _much_ longer than this one. Plus it would be happy.

I wish you well Jack. I feel for you. Best of luck with everything.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know it must be so difficult to hang in there.

So she has another 3-6 months on the waiting list? 

She will probably learn alot while she is in there. 

Of course, she hasn't dealt with anything in her life. She needs this badly. I hope she is continuing with a psychologist.

I also hope that you are doing nice things for yourself. These disorders can be all consuming for the family. It's all about them. And they blame everyone else for it!


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

I guess that I just cant change this situation. My wife is adament that she does not want to be married anymore. She has even gone so far as to say that that she believes our relationship is causing her anorexia to 'flare' up. I dont believe this as many of her issues we deeply rooted before I came along. 

Maybe I should just accept that she doesnt want to be married for the time being. Give her what she wants. Take a step back. Its hard as hell and the thoughts of not being with my wife physically makes me sick. I love her so much for who she is deep down. Unfortunatly, she's convinced she doesnt feel the same way. 

I'm convinced that her judgement has been impared due to the fact that she has not eaten properly in ten years but I cant fight against this anymore. Its not doing either of us any good.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As hard as it is...taking a step back may be the right thing to do. Let her know that you love her and want to help. Let her know that you will be there to support her recovery. 

She is incapable of feeling anything right now. She is consumed with herself and her disease. Don't expect much out of her. Anorexia messes with your brain big time. Her brain hasn't been fed properly in 10 years. Imagine the neurons and neurotrasmitters firing without being fed. Not to mention hormonal inbalances....I bet she doesn't menstruate either. She is not healthy. She is very sick.

Take care of yourself...while she gets the help that she needs.

It's not you.


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

Practically though, what is the best way to 'step back' or 'distance' myself, baring in mind that we live in the same house and either of us moving out is not an option?

I really appreciate all your help here and am learning a lot. I really want the penny to drop with her.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Tell her how you feel. Tell you that she needs help and you will not enable her disorder. Only you know the details of your relationship. Think of it as an intervention for those that do drugs/alcohol. They have interventions for those with eating disorders as well.

In the mean time, think of how you contribute to her disorder. Most people get sucked into the disorder. Helping them to cover it up, etc. Tell her that you aren't willing to help her in any way. You want her to get help and if she doesn't........

After you state what you need to (verbally or written) then tell her that you don't wish to talk about the disorder anymore. You will be there when she is ready to do something about it. You won't help her in her disease. 

That is stepping back.


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Tell her how you feel.
> 
> Then tell her that you don't wish to talk about the disorder anymore. You will be there when she is ready to do something about it. You won't help her in her disease.
> 
> That is stepping back.


I have done this many times. All I get back is 'I dont want to be married' 'I just want to be happy' and 'I dont love you'.

Illnesses just not mentioned or 'have nothing to do with me'

She is punishing me so much becuse I told someone the details of her anorexia. I understand that she see this as me betraying her but I can honestly tell you this was not my intention. 

She hates me at the moment. Its as if she's using this as her comfort zone to everyone else. Look at what he did etc and everyone seems to just agree? Totally disregarding all the good Ive ever done?? This is really breaking my heart.


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## JackStack (Aug 26, 2009)

So here's a quick update on how things are going.

Since that last blow up things kind of quietened down, in fact things were quiet pleasant and civil! I went about my life (work, sports, being a daddy) as normal. I'm feeling very positive and genuinely know that through out the course of this I have done and am doing everything in my power to do the right thing. I have been 100% faithful and that will never change my end. 

Its like its a dreadful cycle, you can see her having good days, weeks and in a weird way your almost fearing when they'll end because with every high there's the enevitable low that follows. You can sense it. It may sound silly but thats how I feel and usually I'm right when it comes to her moods!

This week I could feel the change. No rows or arguements just back to the depressed and vulnerable person that looks like my wife. 

She came back to our house and said that she had been for advice on legal seperation. Usually I would have gone on the defensive but I said thats fine. Its her choice and that I did not want it. I also said that I would not attend any form of mediation until after she had gone into hospital and that if she felt the same way that I'd agree to go at that point. I said if I threw the whole bigger picture out there that any legal professional would say the same.

She also said that she was going to saty at her folks place on the days I wasnt working. Again, no problem, I dont want you to but if you feel its best for you - go ahead - your choice.

I angered her but genuinely dont think I was out of order when I said once we've agreed while your gone over the weekend, you cant just call and click your fingers and expect us (my boy and I) to drop everything. She said she'll see her son when she wants and I wont dictate that to her. I said of course she could see our son whenever but she had to see my point. That it cant be all one way and that there is consequences to these actions. Something has changed in my head and I really have accepted that I did not cause this and to be quiet honest, I cant change it. I can only do my bit and not add to it!


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