# Trying to keep my head above water.



## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

I am at my witts end here. I don't even know where to start.
My h/s sweetheart and I dated for around a year, which is an eternity in high school. She wasn't my first, but the first person I think I really loved. I really feel we were soul mates. Anyway, being the typical daffy 17 or 18 year old, I dumped her for someone else (that relationship lasted about 6 weeks). I was too proud to try and see if she'd take me back. 
We didn't talk much after that. We graduated, I left and travelled the world, she moved away and we lost touch. Here's the thing, I've spent the past 26 years thinking about her often (at least a few times a week)...y'know I can still see the hurt in her face the day I broke up with her, I ripped that poor girl's heart out. I've carried that guilt with me for a long time. Recently, she was at a high school reunion and my name came up and someone mentioned they knew where i was and she got in touch. Turns out, she's been looking for me (or trying to keep me on her radar since we broke up - we didn't have the means we do today to stay in touch). We live in different cities but have talked and there have been some pretty eye opening revelations. She was looking for me, I was trying to figure out where she was. She's been married 21 years, 3 kids...I've been married 17, 2 kids. Anyway, at first I figured maybe she was looking for closure and it turns out for her there never really was any closure. She even talked to her family about me on her wedding day...her dad told her she could back out but she didn't. Here's the thing, I've felt the same way about the fact there never was any closure. I've always loved her, she's always been the only one for me and it blew me away to find she felt the same. I've though that maybe it's a midlife crisis thing but that's not the case here...if it were I'd just buy a sports car. I love my wife, she's a great friend and mother. The thing is, our relationship has always been more about companionship. There has never been any passion. Sexually we're a total mismatch. This isn't something that's just developed over the past few years, it's pretty much always been this way. For the record, my h/s sweetheart is in the same boat as me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dazza_l said:


> I ripped that poor girl's heart out. I've carried that guilt with me for a long time..... I love my wife, she's a great friend and mother.


You did it to your highschool sweet heart (ripped her heart out) and now you are going to do it to your wife. Only this time, you're also going to do it to five little children (hers included) who don't understand daddy left mommy for his soul mate. Passion is good, but arent your kids mental health worth more then a little passion? Divorce traumatizes children. 

I think you should think more practically about how this is going to affect not only your wife, whom you say is a good mother and friend to you, but also the lives of your children.

I hope its worth it. Because you will leave a legacy of pain.


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## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

Thanks for a little clarity. You really have summed things up well. 
I have to admit. I was planning on doing an update to that post but my connection went down. Fast forwardward to what is currently happening and the whole thing has spiraled out of control. Alot of mind games, stolen moments, upping the ante...
It started with all great intentions and madly passionate feelings (and s_ x) but has reached the point where she has apparently told her husband about us (although she is still living at the house) and has in a very passive agressive manner, put the screws to me to do the same - the pressure started within hours of her "telling" her hubby...I told my wife I wanted out and now the h/s sweetheart is expecting me to make immediate arrangments to move out and be with her. It's really takens something which started as beautiful and turned it into some of the most miserable times I've ever had. There are so many other things that have happened but it'd take a novel to go into them. Bottom line, she asked repeatedly if I was ready...I said yes, then she tells him EVERYTHING which then puts the ball squarely in my court. I am just as responsible in this situation. Promises were made, things were said, almost all of which I meant but I'm seeing a side to this woman I didn't expect and I'm not sure that's the kind of misery I'm looking for. That's enough about me...

The other thing is my wife: she is so sad and so hurt but doing the opposite of h/s...she's being stoic and her only thought has been about the children and she doesn't want them to experience divorce like she did. I am looking at this woman whom I have taken for granted in a whole new light. I also can't bear to do this to the kids. I look at them and know I will hate myself forever for doing this to them. My wife is still devoted to me (I can just see it in her eyes). All she asked was I give us a chance (go to counselling). I haven't given it the effort that 16 years deserves. I am in such a state of self loathing right now.

I don't know how do end things with h/s though. I'm getting alot of guilt thrown my way and it's killing me. I don't sleep, my job's suffering...it's really starting to take its toll.


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## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

btw the original post was from what was going on 3 months ago.


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## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

After much thought and reflection. Although my h/s loves me and wants to be with me and is devoted to me. I realize that my wife has those same feelings and they are much stronger. She has invested 18 years into me and she deserves, at the very least, an effort from me to fix our relationship. My h/s is NOT happy, I feel horrible but the alternative is to destroy my life for something that I'm really unsure about (h/s has been pretty unstable and controlling over the past while). I know this is the right decision.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dazza_l said:


> My h/s is NOT happy, I feel horrible but the alternative is to destroy my life for something that I'm really unsure about (h/s has been pretty unstable and controlling over the past while). I know this is the right decision.


I'm glad you're going to make the right decision. i think in these situations it takes an effort to think above oneself, and the fleeting feelings of passion, and towards one's duty to the family. Its not the 'high' of feeling in love and all the passion, but its a stability that is more satisfying in the long run.

When your kids grow up healthy and happy you'll know you did the right thing.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Dazza_l said:


> After much thought and reflection. Although my h/s loves me and wants to be with me and is devoted to me. I realize that my wife has those same feelings and they are much stronger. She has invested 18 years into me and she deserves, at the very least, an effort from me to fix our relationship. My h/s is NOT happy, I feel horrible but the alternative is to destroy my life for something that I'm really unsure about (h/s has been pretty unstable and controlling over the past while). I know this is the right decision.


I think by staying with your wife you will find that she is closer to a soulmate than your hs every was. She just wanted you as you were. She was never demanding or controlling and certainly did no want you to tear you life, marriage five children and two innocent spouses apart.

Congrats on staying with the wife.

I wish you many years od bliss.

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

marriages of 17/18 yrs dont just last on a whim. ok you held a candle - but the flame blew out along time ago.
enjoy your wife and kids.


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## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

Thanks for the wonderful support. It really means alot. My h/s asked if I was "ready", I said yes (at that time emotionally I was, logistics are a different thing-long distance moves have to be planned) wanted me to tell my wife I wanted to leave to be with h/s, somehow in there, tell my kids too, pick a definitive date to move out, mov her here and live together (she was willling to leave her kids and send for them when we got settled because she was:"willing to do anything for me"...the second I hesitated...she got forceful and downright nasty (another side to her I've seen a couple of times in the past few weeks...enough to really plant a seed of doubt)...she called me yesterday in a meeting, happy as anything with "wonderful news" about a child we had together who was given up for adoption when we were 17...I was happy but firm when I told her I needed space...nasty again...the - POOF...like that, she's gone. Hasn't returned my text messages, removed me from her facebook, yadda yadda...she doesn't realize that these actions are just making my decision easier and the right one. I'm starting to see tht life with h/s would be a living nightmare. I am now just going to walk away...wish her luck in life and say goodbye.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

you knew her in school, you dont know n e thing about her from that point, her personality, what she has really been through. if you both have these issues with eachother now, what would it be like if you both gave up everything on your sides.
your relationship - if you did try - wouldnt be a long one and then what have you lost - everything.
she isnt worth it, but your wife is.
take your wife out and remind her how much you love her.


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## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

Thanks justean. You are absolutely right. People change. I know I have. I am seeing things clearer all the time. I think things are going to get ugly with h/s though. I have a scary feeling but I know staying with my wife is the right decision.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Dazza_l said:


> Thanks justean. You are absolutely right. People change. I know I have. I am seeing things clearer all the time. I think things are going to get ugly with h/s though. I have a scary feeling but I know staying with my wife is the right decision.



Good for you.

draconis


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## Dazza_l (Aug 27, 2008)

Thanks d. My marriage still has its challenges and I'm not sure if things will work out but at least I'm going to give it a try.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just remember every relationship has challenges, one advantage you have he is that you know your wife moreso than anyone else and know what you need to do in the marriage.

At times we need to fix our marriages and look at it from an outside view to understand just what it needs to be healthy.

draconis


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