# I cant believe this is happening to me!



## thiscantbemyhusband (Aug 22, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

He is in the affair fog. There are numerous threads on the exact same scenario.

He wants to move out so that he can more easily continue his affair without your prying eyes.

The best thing you can do is wake him up HARD to what he will lose if we continues down this path. I'd tell him that he needs to make a choice, Divorce or Reconciliation. 

If he chooses to move out, change the locks, take out half of your joint money and move it to your own bank account and serve him with divorce papers. Don't talk to him unless it is about the kids. You don't have to proceed with the divorce but this might give him the kick in the rear that he needs to see what will happen.

If he chooses to stay and reconcile, then no more locked phones, secret accounts, etc. Full transparency and NC with the OW, which might mean getting a new job.

This might seem rash but there is no room in a marriage for 3 people. He has to make a choice and you can't allow him to string you along while he tries out this new woman.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry friend, as you know he wants out to f0ck OW-coworker and have you as a back up plan. That's all the "I need space" to find myself. Also he wants you to stay friendy, of course, he can't be bothered about your heartbreak. It's all about him now. He's operating with a junkie mind nad rationalizing this like a pro. He's a gosht, and alien. He's deep in the affiar fog. You can't love out of this.
Exposure, lawyering up and filing for divorce, hard 180, it's what you need.

I can't point out the right threads to read nor type too much. Hopely this will bump your thread to the top so you can get some advice from the vets.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sorry you're here. Generally when you find out your spouse is cheating, it's the tip of the iceberg.

If he's locking you out of his phone account, then there's no remorse. Therefore why would he admit to a PA. Your instincts even tell you that it has been a PA, so I think you should assume it. 

Learn about the 180 and implement it immediately. Show him that you don't need him. Insist on total transparency with the phone. If he won't do that, then I'm sorry, he has no respect. If he agrees to do that, then you need to monitor him. There are threads about that: VAR, keyloggers etc. Stick around, there's a lot to learn.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

SO sorry you are here..I just want to tell you it's not your fault, that this is all on him.

I believe this is a case where the 180 may make a difference. Try not to let him see a weak and broken person, I realize this will be tough to do because you are broken, hurt, in shock and traumatized right now. But you have to do this for you and for your family. Look up the 180, start working on you, and let him know he does not hold all the cards, and that his A could cost him his wife and his family. Your not the backup plan, you deserve better.

After I caught my wife and NC was established, there was a little slip in NC. I decided that's it it's over, I went into the bathroom, started getting ready to run some errands and I was singing. My WW came back there expecting to see me in a ball of tears and was shocked to see I was ok, that I wasn't a mess, it was a hard dose of reailty for her. It woke her up, showed her I was stronger than she thought, and she thought "I really don't want to loose this man." We are now reconciling.

Good luck, stay strong for yourself and for your kids. Show him you CAN survive without him. This my just snap him out of it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


I am sorry you are here. As a betrayed spouse I understand your shock. 

Your spouse is most likely having sex with another woman and is deep in the fog of the chemical rush all new relationships cause. 

The fact that he locked you out of his phone is a very bad sign. 

See an attorney pronto. He may have hidden bank accounts and credit cards as did my STBEH.

You need to protect yourself. 

Do not trust a word he says. I kept learning of more lies weekly. 

I only found out because I was receiving anonymous letters from someone.


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## thiscantbemyhusband (Aug 22, 2012)

Thank you for all the advice...180 it is! Please keep sending me advice, I need all I can get! I am weak and scared of what the future holds!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


You need to become a hard ass and stop allowing him to lie to you.

-Demand access to his phone and e-mail
-State that if he leaves the house you will divorce him
-Demand NC with his AP

If I were in your shoes I`d go see a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up so you have them ready to be served if he balks at any of these requirements.

You know he doesn`t want to move out to "reconnect" (Does that even make an iota of sense?) he wants to move out so he can see his girlfriend without you watching his every move.

If you do not kick his ass now and hard you will lose your marriage.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

justonelife said:


> He is in the affair fog. There are numerous threads on the exact same scenario.
> 
> He wants to move out so that he can more easily continue his affair without your prying eyes.
> 
> ...


#

Bang on the button, I wish I was lucky enough to read this 16 months ago.....Perfection, follow this path


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My STBXH also started with the locking me out of his "secret" cellphone and email when I initially found out about texts to his old GF. He swore they were only friends. NOT. Found out he had multiple EA/PA. He lied, lied, lied, as easily as breathing. Still denies. But he's living with one of them, so... In my case, kicking him out, losing his home and children did not wake him up out of the fog. So prepare yourself. The good news is that I'm really ok. I have some days when I wonder why this happened, and I get sad that our family is going through this. But there is no way I could stay with a lying, cheating SOB who showed his family no respect.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


I'm sorry you have to go through this as I know it's hard. I agree he is in a complete affair fog right now. Only consequences will break him out of it. I would not give him this option of moving out and making you his backup plan. Separation rarely works as many thinks it's just dragging out the inevitable. Either he wants to take the steps to stay and work on the marriage or he wants to get handed divorce papers. I know it's hard because kids are involved but I would tell him that if he leaves you and the kids you plan to file for divorce immediately.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

start here A/R's link will help you...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


Sorry you are here..You can get thru this...


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I don't know what I can say other than to be strong for your kids. My STBXH said the same things to me, even blamed me for all his unhappiness throughout our marriage. I served him divorce papers 3 weeks ago....he hasn't woke up from his fog yet.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I don't know what I can say other than to be strong for your kids. My STBXH said the same things to me, even blamed me for all his unhappiness throughout our marriage. I served him divorce papers 3 weeks ago....he hasn't woke up from his fog yet.


So sorry but as you can attest to there's no guarantee they will wake up even when handed divorce papers. That being said there's a time when you have to keep your dignity. In this case you cannot be left with the kids so he can move out and see where his affair with the OW leads. It makes you nothing but the backup plan. Don't let it happen.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> Thank you for all the advice...180 it is! Please keep sending me advice, I need all I can get! I am weak and scared of what the future holds!


You are NOT weak; you are stronger than you know.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I don't know what I can say other than to be strong for your kids. My STBXH said the same things to me, even blamed me for all his unhappiness throughout our marriage. I served him divorce papers 3 weeks ago....he hasn't woke up from his fog yet.


I can't wait for these a$$holes to wake up from the fog. That has to be one of the most satisfying moments of a person's life...when the thing that completely ripped up their heart and soul comes crawling back in a pile of sobbing crap and you can just look at it and say "tee hee..nope"

Because I don't know about y'all, but when I'm super betrayed I shut myself down so completely that it's even hard for me to show affection to my children. I'm just a zombie, consumed with grief and sorrow and invasive thoughts...

People who do this to you aren't worth the sh!t on your shoes.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


I your situation I would go dark. Stop talking to him stop running after him. He sees you now as a fall back plan to this other woman. However you do not have undeniable proof. 
Which means that the likely hood is that if you try to expose him he will sweep everything under the rug and call you crazy. 
You will only have suspicions and he will probably wait for things to die down and go right back to the Other woman or OW.

If you know anyone at his work that you trust call them. Explain what is going on. Tell the not to talk to your Wayward Husband or WH. Just ask them if they have noticed anything strange between him and anyone up at work. 
Next what you are going to try and do is get into his email. Work relationship's usually turn into an email communications format. (if they have desk jobs) The reason is because face to face, or cell phone communication is easier to get caught by your boss. It is much easier to minimize a window than it is to hide your cell phone or sneak off to someplace and talk. 
If you are not a computer savvy person please consider a PI.
You need to try and get a hold of his cell phone, if he has a work laptop try and get that. This is going to require some sneaky and underhandedness. But all is fair in love and war. You lady are at war now. 

If the cell phone is an android phone and he uses a pattern. Just get near a lamp and tilt the phone. The oils on your WH fingers will leave a mark. Just take your finger and trace the oil trail and you should get into his phone. 
If it is an Iphone the most common passwords are , birth year of a family member including him, last four of the phone number, and bank pin number. 

The work laptop password could be as simple as the exact same thing that shows up in the username. Depends on the type of company. If he works for a bank the password is probably something complicated. 

Right now you just need to focus on yourself. Ready the 180 it will help you stop your head from spinning. This guy doesn't deserve your time and attention anymore. Stop working on the marriage because it is pointless until he stops talking to the OW.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

badbane said:


> If the cell phone is an android phone and he uses a pattern. Just get near a lamp and tilt the phone. The oils on your WH fingers will leave a mark. Just take your finger and trace the oil trail and you should get into his phone.
> If it is an Iphone the most common passwords are , birth year of a family member including him, last four of the phone number, and bank pin number.
> 
> .



OMG! Thank you for those clues! I NEVER knew you could figure out the pattern by looking under the light and tilting the phone. I'm going to try that next time.

Also, for the Iphone/iPad, it could also be the last four numbers of his social security number. I was able to figure out that my STBXH used his father's because he was really close to his dad and didn't think I knew his dad's SS# too.

**I think with the iPhone you can only try 10X's before it locks out and shut down. Correct me if i'm wrong in this?


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## thiscantbemyhusband (Aug 22, 2012)

bump


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Has there been any change?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> Thank you for all the advice...180 it is! Please keep sending me advice, I need all I can get! I am weak and scared of what the future holds!


You are weak? No! You are not weak! You are a strong and mighty Cougar.... :scratchhead: dash it ,no, that's a *bad* thing to be!  

Hmm. Let's try that again... 
You are a strong and mighty Lioness, protecting your young ones from the hyenas that are trying to steal your food. (Yeah! Lioness! I think that works better!) 

I might have to work on that analogy a little more, I think! :smthumbup:

Your husband is not a bad man, but he has done a bad thing. I just hope someone can snap him out of it.

Is there a pastor or someone you could sic on him?

I hope you didn't mind my little bit of humour, or the fact that I put a gratuitous extra 'u' in humour. I was just trying to lighten up a dark time in your life.

Keep posting and reading, we'll be here for you.


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