# Why don't husbands take initiative?



## Inara

Hello,

Could you share your wisdom and experince?

Is this a very common theme in most marriages -- wife is making all decisions, solving most problems, making arrangements for school/daycare, while husband needs to be reminded of everything? he never takes initiative, or a leadership role? (I know that not all men are this way, my ex-husband was the opposite, he solved all problems, made all the money, and I didn't have to worry about anything (we had other issues, though))

What do you do about it?
Is it something that you can get used to, or is it something that will eventually force you to file for divorce?

And what do you think is the cause of such passivity?


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## Conrad

Perhaps having every single decision nagged and second-guessed?


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## SimplyAmorous

You ask the cause - could be many things - like Conrad said, IF a nagging wife (I am not saying you are !!) but some men just go retreat-makes for more peace in the household. Maybe he sees you quite capable. Do you outright let him know this is bothering you enough to "leave" the marriage?

...and some men are just lazy, a personality flaw, maybe his Mother did everything for him when he was growing up, always been pampered & see where this led. 

Some questions ... Are you the Stay at Home Mom or you both work ? I would think a Stay at home mom would make most arrangements -cause you are more available during the day to make calls, appointments, shuffle scheduling - while he is off working bringing in the $$. 

What else is your husband NOT doing, being so passive about ? 

My husband is very passive, just always been this way. I believe it is his personality/temperment. But in these kinds of things, I am not bothered at all. Now if he didnt fix something broken in the house or vehicle repairs, procrastinating & avoiding, I would probably be livid--and Yes, nagging would begin. 

But if you are talking just about household day to day scheduling , paying bills, appointements, with these mundane tasks, maybe he is just confident of YOUR handling & he thinks nothing of it.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Depends on the marriage, the man, and the circumstances. My boyfriend is an over the road truck driver, so I do most of the decision making, and handle the kids, home, etc. I do consult him on major things, but for the most part, I handle all of it, bill paying, etc. A lot of military wives do that, too, because of deployment. 

Whether or not it's a problem also depends on the relationship, etc. When I was married to my first husband, it was the same, and it drove me nuts. He wasn't gone all the time, and it drove me insane that he would do nothing to help me at all. He was lazy and mean and just didn't care. But in this relationship, I don't mind. I know that when it comes to a major decision, he will work with me to make it, and that I can always bounce ideas off him and get his opinion, even if he can't really do anything to actually help me. For example, if one of the kids gets in trouble, no he can't actually discipline them but he can help me figure out the best way to discipline them for whatever they did. 

I guess you just have to decide for yourself if this is a major problem for you or not.


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## grantjordan

Some women like it this way and when the man tries to do anything he is overruled at every turn. It is called a subservient marriage.


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## chillymorn

:


Conrad said:


> Perhaps having every single decision nagged and second-guessed?


:iagree


could not have said it better.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Why is it that when a man communicates his wishes it is called talking, when a woman does it, it is called nagging? Just curious.


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## Mom6547

Inara said:


> Hello,
> 
> Could you share your wisdom and experince?
> 
> Is this a very common theme in most marriages -- wife is making all decisions, solving most problems, making arrangements for school/daycare, while husband needs to be reminded of everything? he never takes initiative, or a leadership role? (I know that not all men are this way, my ex-husband was the opposite, he solved all problems, made all the money, and I didn't have to worry about anything (we had other issues, though))
> 
> What do you do about it?


Sit him down and talk to him about it. Discuss delegation of responsibility. You two agree who is responsible for what. Then let him fail. Failure is part of growing up.

Stop doing it for him.





> Is it something that you can get used to, or is it something that will eventually force you to file for divorce?
> 
> And what do you think is the cause of such passivity?


Never being forced to grow up because someone always does it for him/her.


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## Chris Taylor

Brennan said:


> Why is it that when a man communicates his wishes it is called talking, when a woman does it, it is called nagging? Just curious.


Why is it when a woman disagrees with a man's decision, it's her "voicing her opinion", but when a man disagrees with a woman, he's "not valuing her opinion"?


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## Therealbrighteyes

Chris Taylor said:


> Why is it when a woman disagrees with a man's decision, it's her "voicing her opinion", but when a man disagrees with a woman, he's "not valuing her opinion"?


I don't find that to be the case at all. How many times on this board have you heard men talk about their nagging wives. I have never heard a single one refer to her as "voicing her opinion", ever.


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## Deejo

Inara said:


> Hello,
> 
> Could you share your wisdom and experince?
> 
> Is this a very common theme in most marriages -- wife is making all decisions, solving most problems, making arrangements for school/daycare, while husband needs to be reminded of everything? he never takes initiative, or a leadership role? (I know that not all men are this way, my ex-husband was the opposite, he solved all problems, made all the money, and I didn't have to worry about anything (we had other issues, though))
> 
> What do you do about it?
> Is it something that you can get used to, or is it something that will eventually force you to file for divorce?
> 
> And what do you think is the cause of such passivity?


Could be a number of reasons. Would be best if you paint a more complete picture of your relationship dynamic, and your husband.

He could be depressed.

He could be afraid of disappointing, or being rejected by you.

Can you fill in the blanks? 

Are we talking about a guy that could care less about you and the marriage or are we talking about a guy that is afraid of upsetting you and putting the marriage at risk?


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## chillymorn

Its seems to me that women have more weapons to manipulate with.

if they don't get there way they cry and with hold sex and act like a baby.

and if that don't work they nag and nag and nag.

hold grudges forever and bring it up evertime there is a disagreament.

disclaimer: thease are generalities and I understand that not all women are this way but when talking to my married freinds they all seem to have the same story.

if they cry and we stand our ground they say we are insentive to them.

It is very difficult as a man who is trying to be a good husband father to deal with this type of abuse


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## Mom6547

chillymorn said:


> Its seems to me that women have more weapons to manipulate with.
> 
> if they don't get there way they cry and with hold sex and act like a baby.


God. Don't marry someone like that. 



> and if that don't work they nag and nag and nag.
> 
> hold grudges forever and bring it up evertime there is a disagreament.
> 
> disclaimer: thease are generalities and I understand that not all women are this way but when talking to my married freinds they all seem to have the same story.


Indeed! And I cannot fathom what would possess a man to live with such a woman! Someone send this guy the man up thread!


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## chillymorn

vthomeschoolmom said:


> God. Don't marry someone like that.
> 
> 
> Indeed! And I cannot fathom what would possess a man to live with such a woman! Someone send this guy the man up thread!


I've maned up a long time ago!!!

but in conversations with my married friends it seem to be the norm.


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## Mom6547

chillymorn said:


> I've maned up a long time ago!!!
> 
> but in conversations with my married friends it seem to be the norm.


I wonder if the whole world is suffering from lack of self esteem. I cannot imagine why else one would put up with this nonsense. :scratchhead:


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## chillymorn

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I wonder if the whole world is suffering from lack of self esteem. I cannot imagine why else one would put up with this nonsense. :scratchhead:


I think it happens gradually and before you know it its full blown abuse!

and then you have financial considerations to think about espically if children are involved. half your house half your retirement,not being able to see your children on a daily basis. the list goes on and on.

very sad 

my wife is still dumbfounded by me putting my foot down on this type of behavior and I often have to reinforce that that crap is no longer going to fly with me.and she very well might leave but Oh well her loss. there has been a dramitic improvement for the most part.

But I have to admitt that I still harbor resentment twords her I don't like being the enforcer so to speak it gets old battling all the unfairness.Even if they come around to understanding their behavior is problematic.

some people are very strong willed and have trouble seeing the forest through the trees untill its too late.


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## Mom6547

chillymorn said:


> my wife is still dumbfounded by me putting my foot down on this type of behavior and I often have to reinforce that that crap is no longer going to fly with me.and she very well might leave but Oh well her loss. there has been a dramitic improvement for the most part.


Have you considered in addition to putting your foot down that you also attempt to meet her needs?



> some people are very strong willed and have trouble seeing the forest through the trees untill its too late.


Indeed. You might want to work on that. It takes two to tango.


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## chillymorn

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Have you considered in addition to putting your foot down that you also attempt to meet her needs?
> 
> 
> 
> Indeed. You might want to work on that. It takes two to tango.


I have meet her needs I think that was the problem I was too eager to please and she took it for granted.

Now she is in shock and saying things like if I'm so terrible then why don't you just divorce me. you see shes not dumb she a stay at home mom and the court are slanted in her favor.

Long story similar too alot of what you read on this board I'm in the process of reblancing the power and she is fighting it.

in the end she might get what she asked for but my ducks will be a row so to speak.and I will cherish this time with my two boys being a part time dad is not what I'm after.


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## Mom6547

chillymorn said:


> I have meet her needs I think that was the problem I was too eager to please and she took it for granted.


Too eager to please and meeting her needs are not the same. "Manning up" does not mean becoming completely insistent to the degree that she wants to leave. 




> Now she is in shock and saying things like if I'm so terrible then why don't you just divorce me. you see shes not dumb she a stay at home mom and the court are slanted in her favor.


Well I don't know what your marital issues are so I can't comment too much further. But is *sounds* as if you think one or the other you has to lose, and that you feel you need to win. The point of "manning up" is to set limits on what you are willing to do but not to demand and "put your foot down" to the exclusion of coming together to solve problems.



> Long story similar too alot of what you read on this board I'm in the process of reblancing the power and she is fighting it.


I think it is sad that you think marriage is about power.


> in the end she might get what she asked for but my ducks will be a row so to speak.and I will cherish this time with my two boys being a part time dad is not what I'm after.


Sounds like you are already done.


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## 4sure

Why don't husbands take initiative?
In my case, I have done all for so long he has become lazy.


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## chillymorn

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Too eager to please and meeting her needs are not the same. "Manning up" does not mean becoming completely insistent to the degree that she wants to leave.
> 
> 
> 
> Well I don't know what your marital issues are so I can't comment too much further. But is *sounds* as if you think one or the other you has to lose, and that you feel you need to win. The point of "manning up" is to set limits on what you are willing to do but not to demand and "put your foot down" to the exclusion of coming together to solve problems.
> 
> 
> I think it is sad that you think marriage is about power.
> 
> 
> Sounds like you are already done.


Please don't put words in my mouth no where did I say someone has to be the winner and I did not indicate that I have become completly insistant to the degree that she wants to leave! I have set my boundries for her actions that are unexceptable to me! and if she can't except that then therers nothing I can do. as far as power is conserned very seldom is there a relationship where there is equal power so to speak. when it get too far out of BLANCE then there is a problem.


For some reason I feel your twisting my coments to defend her 

for some reason your responce border on attacking me. 


you soud just like her your twisting things to your likeing I predict you will be divorced someday


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## Mom6547

chillymorn said:


> Please don't put words in my mouth no where did I say someone has to be the winner and I did not indicate that I have become completly insistant to the degree that she wants to leave! I have set my boundries for her actions that are unexceptable to me! and if she can't except that then therers nothing I can do.


That's why I said "it sounds like". There probably ARE things you can do. I guess if *I* am reading your tone as one of being demanding and insistent, might she as well? Of course, tone often does not carry well on the 'net. But you refer to the behavior as abusive (did it really rise to that?) and you "weren't going to tolerate" etc.. That is demanding language. Would it help to moderate the tone? Just a thought.




> as far as power is conserned very seldom is there a relationship where there is equal power so to speak. when it get too far out of BLANCE then there is a problem.


I don't even see considerations about power even entering into our marriage. Power has basically nothing to do with it. That actually makes no sense to me.




> For some reason I feel your twisting my coments to defend her


I am sorry I gave you that impression. I have no interest in defending your wife. If I had to guess, I would guess that she has developed some unhealthy patterns of her own. But she is not the one posting! If a different PoV is helpful to you, great. If not, ignore me. I am not trying to make your life harder!


> for some reason your responce border on attacking me.


For some reason this response borders on really defensive.



> you soud just like her your twisting things to your likeing I predict you will be divorced someday


My husband told me this morning, "I love you madly and am deliriously happy." Go figure. 

I wish you the best!


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## tattoomommy

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...and some men are just lazy, a personality flaw, maybe his Mother did everything for him when he was growing up, always been pampered & see where this led.


That's my husband! His mother always did everything for him. When he was in college (like 2 miles from his home) she would still do all of his laundry, fold AND put away his clothes. Made his bed, dusted, etc. EVERYTHING. He still does this to me. He knows he's lazy, I know he's lazy, but that doesn't make it easier. He always half-asses things so that I don't want to ask him to do it again. I"m very type a and I pay attention to detail in everything I do. I always feel like it's a slap in the face for him to do crap jobs at stuff. I've found myself not even asking for his help anymore, which isn't good. I'm trying to figure out how to get him to work on this currently. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> Some questions ... Are you the Stay at Home Mom or you both work ? I would think a Stay at home mom would make most arrangements -cause you are more available during the day to make calls, appointments, shuffle scheduling - while he is off working bringing in the $$.


I'm mostly a SAHM. I work part-time in the evenings twice during the weekday and then saturday mornings. I dont' expect my H to do any household chores, but I do expect him to pick up after himself when he comes home. I'm not a servant. It drives me UP THE WALL because he leaves his crap everywhere when he gets home. I leave the house and when I get back, everything I've done is UNDONE. I hate it. He doesn't get it though. 


I think that this issue is something that varies based on your relationship and personalities. For my case, we have things to work on. It's hard but it needs to be done. I think you should find out what the root is for your relationship, and then you'll be better off to find the answers.


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## Pandakiss

i feel like i run the show, and at the same time i feel like my husband allows this to happen.

its not the way it sounds..ok uhhh....if we are at the car dealers, i haggle for a better price, i am the one who talks to the auto mechanic to get a better price on parts, and other times just be a loud mouth.

but i dont wear the pants, he does, but everyone thinks i do...i know he wears them, and when there is a real prob, thats what he calls them, he steps in and gets it handled..

so he needs me to handle the little things, like kids and school, if there is a prob he got it handled, if i cant make decisions whit out consulting him every 5 minutes, what good am i?? 

i dont feel as though i do all the decision making, i dio the light work and he handles the heavy work, besides, why should i call the light company and cuss them out, or why should i have to use the "big" voice when some one line jumps, and i can smile sweetly, and shrug, tisk-men, eh what can you do..

just my thoughts, and i like the nagging vs. validate opinoins...yes, yes, yes


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