# how to work on ME ?



## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Hello everyone,
I have been reluctant to post on here because I am getting all the "professional" support and help I might need. I've bought books and I am reading them. I am in IC to get some emotional support and to work through my issues. I am on med for my depression and anxiety (doesn't seem to be working for me). Will ask my GP to change them. I have an appointment with psychotherapy for my depression and suicidal ideation. I see another counsellor every month to help me with studies and mood swings. I have been with both counsellors since October. 

Despite all of this, I made myself end up in A&E last week, and I am well behind in my coursework and have to wait another year to finish my degree.

What I feel:
-emotionally drained and exhausted.
For example sometimes i feel like I can't cope with life anymore. Studying , going back to work or just simply living seems a huge task.

-choas , confusion and lack of clarity. 
For example I just ended a relationship with someone. I posted about it before. I told my therapist I felt my life was chaotic. She disagreed with me. So on the surface everything seems normal but in my head I feel like things are messed up.

- huge mood swings due to negative thoughts about myself or the experiences I have. 
So recently I texted someone I dated before and thought we were still friends now. He didn't reply to my text. It was simply "hi how are you?" . He didn't even know what I wanted from him. So I felt rejected. Days later a not-so-good friend texted me. I didn't want to reply because I thought he was pushy. Then I remembered the rejection I had from my other friend . I was like" oh yeah I must have been annoying person to him. Didn't meant anything to him. He wanted me out of his life" and then felt bad.

-Intense emotions most of the time:
I experience intense emotions . I overreact. I did this MANY times. I get very upset because of a thought . I end up blocking someone or deleting their number. In the morning I am back to normal and unblock them. Sometimes I react towards my feelings and thoughts and not to the actual incident. So someone doesn't reply or act cold with me and I end up blocking them? To me I feel like their names are written in CAPITAL letters in front of my eyes . I want to get rid of them. Blocking them gives me the illusion that they are out of my life!( coping mechanism) avoidance.

-I contradict myself :
This follows from the previous point. So I block someone and go to sleep. Days later I unblock them and text them! Or reply if they text me and I am super nice to them. It doesn't seem like I wanted to kick them out of my life days before.( yes idealising someone and then hate and outrage towards them).

- I live on drama:
I really really want to live in peace with myself. I meditate and try to be mindful in my life. However, what I do day to day doesn't reflect this desire. So I dated this guy for 2 months and it ended(by me) . We met in a class (not at uni). I know he still goes there and if I go I will see him. I promise myself I wouldn't go again to this class but I end up going !( contradicting myself again). I am drawn to anticipation , then seeing him and getting an adrenaline rush. Him ignoring me and then getting disappointed . Going home feeling sad. 

Same thing happens with another guy every other month. Same scenario . just different time&place setting , and different characters.

-internal conflict:
I know what I SHOULD do but not what I NEED . I have all the rules lied down in my head but I have so many needs unidentified and unmet. Sometimes I beat myself so hard for going to talk to someone I liked. So I am like " ok will go and talk to him a bit" . I do or don't get the response I wanted, but I then beat myself up. I should protect myself. I shouldn't open up...etc.


The list goes on and on but if you read this far thank you!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jane, it sounds like you are carrying a lot on your shoulders. I hear a lot of judgment of yourself. No wonder you feel drained.

How about trying, when your mind is condemning you somehow, to just say, well, that is how I felt at the time, and that is just how it played out. Basically, you would just be accepting and even defending yourself to yourself.

You need to lower the pressure on yourself. Just toning down your expectation of perfection from yourself would help, I think.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Stress, anxiety, fear, etc... its all in your mind. You are choosing to react a certain way to your life situation. 

For example, two people have a similar stressful situation, lets say a car accident.

Person 1 say: what a bummer, oh well its covered by insurance and ill get a rental until its fixed, nothing to worry about.

Person 2 says: OMG my life is ruined! my insurance rates will go up, i will have to drive a terrible rental car that smells like ruin and will certainly make my drive to work unbearable, then ill have to work overtime to cover the deductible and my insurance rates are going to go up, how will i pay for that! my friends will make fun of me, my parents will give me a hard time, no one will want to ride in a car with me, OMG MY LIFE IS OVER! I just want to craw in a hole and die.

Same exact situation, but two completely different reactions. 

YOU CHOOSE to react a certain way to external stimulus, you are choosing to make certain situations stressful or chaotic. 

Continue to work with your therapist, find activities that relax you, worry less about the little things, i promise the sun will still come up tomorrow, having a bad day at work or a argument with a friend is not the end of the world.

Also, stop dwelling on the past, the past is done and gone, life for the moment and look towards the future. Quit thinking about your Ex partners and friends that abandoned you, thats just bringing up memories of bad times. Instead of sitting around thinking of past relationships, get out there and make NEW relationships.

You'll get everything figured out Jane it just takes some time, patience and self confidence.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you very much !! This was really helpful. I am trying now to be kind with myself . Also, I think,yes, the way I interpret what happens to me plays a huge part in the way I feel during the day . Thanks again. I keep seeing my therapist , taking the meds...etc.


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