# How do I break up with him?



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I want to break up with my boyfriend of 8 months because, even though he treats me really well & his actions seem to show he cares a lot about me, & he keeps saying whenever I ask that this does have a future that would include marriage in a few years (he doesn't believe In living together & has never lived with a gf)... He hasn't said he loves me. How do I break up with him over this? Explain that I love him & want someone who loves me back? He's very poorly verbal, says he wasn't raised to discuss feelings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"Boyfriend, 

This relationship is not working for me. I do not think we want the same things so I want to break up."


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Do you love him? If so, tell him his not expressing his love for you has caused you to feel uncertain about the relationship and that you want to take a step back, and see other people. Either he'll step up or he won't.

If on the other hand you don't love him, simply say what the above poster said.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Just be direct and to the point. It's how most men prefer it to go.


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Personally, I would rather have a boyfriend SHOW me that he loves me thru actions above him telling me he loves me with no actions. Know what I mean? Perhaps you two just have different love languages (you prefer words of affirmation) and this is something that can be worked through as opposed to just pulling the trigger. 

Based on the little you said, he sounds like a great guy. Why are you so willing to just toss this one aside because of his lack of verbal expression? 

My advice would be to sit him down, tell him you love him and hope he loves you too and you wish that he would verbalize that every once in a while. If he can't or won't, then yeah --- time to pull the trigger. You have nothing to lose at this point by asking him what you need. If you don't get it then you are right back to where you started --- wanting to break it off.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just be direct and to the point. It's how most men prefer it to go.


Meaning tell him I love him & ask if he feels the same? Or ask "what do u feel about me, I feel you're never verbally expressive and am curious what you're thinking about us"?


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> Meaning tell him I love him & ask if he feels the same? Or ask "what do u feel about me, I feel you're never verbally expressive and am curious what you're thinking about us"?


This is a good question to ask but do NOT throw an insult in there. He knows he is never verbally expressive. No need to point it out. He might get defensive and shut down.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> I want to break up with my boyfriend of 8 months because, even though he treats me really well & his actions seem to show he cares a lot about me, & he keeps saying whenever I ask that this does have a future that would include marriage in a few years (he doesn't believe In living together & has never lived with a gf)... He hasn't said he loves me. How do I break up with him over this? Explain that I love him & want someone who loves me back? He's very poorly verbal, says he wasn't raised to discuss feelings
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, you have a great guy and you're going to dump him because he's not saying "I love you" on your timeline - even though you know that verbal expression is not his way of communicating? 

Nothing in your post suggests that you feel unloved. You just sound peeved that he doesn't do this ONE thing the way you want him to. 

I think he will be lucky you leave him now, because I can see you making someone's life miserable someday.

So how to do it: Try, "I'm unhappy because I think you should do things the way I think they should be done, so I think we are incompatible. I don't see us having a future together and I am setting you free so I can find a better doormat."


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're dating, not married with three kids and a mortgage. Tell him it's not working out. 

Before doing that... Have you expressed your frustration to him? In clear terms? Having said that... Dating is a time to find out if you're compatible, not necessarily a time to mold the other person into your ideal mate. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> You're dating, not married with three kids and a mortgage. Tell him it's not working out.
> 
> Before doing that... Have you expressed your frustration to him? In clear terms? Having said that... Dating is a time to find out if you're compatible, not necessarily a time to mold the other person into your ideal mate.


You are so wise, Mr. PBear. Everytime.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I really like him & believe he cares about me too. If he can't say he loves me though then I really don't know how long is reasonable to stay with him. Just seems crazy for him not to cuz he seems committed, has met my family & told me he really enjoyed meeting them, spends all of his free time with me (he works 90 hours/wk), etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> Meaning tell him I love him & ask if he feels the same?


Wait a sec...

Have you told HIM that you love HIM yet?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You are so wise, Mr. PBear. Everytime.


LOL. You flatter me! It's easy to look at someone else's life and throw out advice! Much harder to live it!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> LOL. You flatter me! It's easy to look at someone else's life and throw out advice! Much harder to live it!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also true. 

Roses, it seems you have been bothered by this since you first came to tAM with it. I imagine nothing has changed? 

Your other threads:

_How do I break up with him?_


_Would you be disappointed with this Valentine's Day? _

_Is he wasting my time? _


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Blackmailing a guy into telling you they love you is always a great idea. Good luck with that.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> Meaning tell him I love him & ask if he feels the same? Or ask "what do u feel about me, I feel you're never verbally expressive and am curious what you're thinking about us"?


Well yes whatever the question is. I know one of the things I love most about my GF is their is no guesswork. She does what she says and says what she does. If she had a question....plain English she just asks. This is personally a rare quality I have found in most women. Think our brains just process differently. So when one comes along that is just this direct it's very very refreshing


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

The more I thought about it the more I agree she should dump his sorry a$$. Mindreading is a must have in my relationships. He's not stepping up to the plate.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I don't want to dump him, I like being with him, but i feel the need to ask him- "why don't you love me?"

Pretty hard when he works 90 plus hours a week and we hardly see each other thougg
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> I don't want to dump him, I like being with him, but i feel the need to ask him- "why don't you love me?"
> 
> Pretty hard when he works 90 plus hours a week and we hardly see each other thougg
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The thing is, it is quite possible he DOES love you. Just because he doesn't say it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. But you need to hear it and if it is that important to you then don't be afraid to say, "I love you. Do you feel the same way?". If he says Yes, great! If he says it once he might feel more comfortable saying it again. If he says No, then you know you need to let each other go. 

I know it's easier said than done but don't make the hasty decision of breaking it off. I think, deep down, you want to see how he reacts if you break it off. Because if he fights, that's more proof he loves you. Right? 

Be straight up and up front. Leave the drama and insecurities at the door. 

Good luck.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well yes whatever the question is. I know one of the things I love most about my GF is their is no guesswork. She does what she says and says what she does. If she had a question....plain English she just asks. This is personally a rare quality I have found in most women. Think our brains just process differently. So when one comes along that is just this direct it's very very refreshing


Haha! My husband says the exact same thing about me  

I'm very vocal about my needs...he knows when he's made me happy and he's under no illusions when he's ticked me off! :rofl:

He loves it, no mind games, no "what have I done?" hehehe


----------



## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

It's only been 8 months. To me that's not very long to be insisting on "I love you" in a relationship. If all else is good then I'd be giving it a little more time. 

But if you feel you have to know, then I agree that asking your boyfriend straight up how he feels about you is the best way of handling this. Just make sure that you're prepared for his male honest answer. At 8 months in he may feel that you are rushing him a little.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Ask him if, as you say, he says he sees a future with you involving marriage whether said marriage would be based on mutual love.


----------



## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

So everything is fine, no complaints other than the fact he hasn't said "I love you" yet? 

And the hamster keeps on spinning.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Haha! My husband says the exact same thing about me
> 
> I'm very vocal about my needs...he knows when he's made me happy and he's under no illusions when he's ticked me off! :rofl:
> 
> He loves it, no mind games, no "what have I done?" hehehe


Husband is a lucky man


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm not sure that he hasn't verbally expressed his love for her is the only issue here. It's that he also "doesn't believe in living together." 

I'd say the bigger underlying issue is concern about being "strung along" waiting for the idea that the relationship will go somewhere, because the boyfriend has already established where it isn't heading. 

I mean, yeah, I'd have concerns if I was dating someone who worked 90 hours a week and they didn't believe in living together. That just seems like there's a whole lot about that person you'll never really have time to learn about until you married them.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> I want to break up with my boyfriend of 8 months because, even though he treats me really well & his actions seem to show he cares a lot about me, & he keeps saying whenever I ask that this does have a future that would include marriage in a few years (he doesn't believe In living together & has never lived with a gf)... He hasn't said he loves me. How do I break up with him over this? Explain that I love him & want someone who loves me back? He's very poorly verbal, says he wasn't raised to discuss feelings


:banghead:

Again?

You're back AGAIN because he isn't the robot boyfriend you think he should be?

Did you even READ any of the tons of advice you've already been given on this? Asking you to look at YOURSELF to ask WHY you have this blind desire and unwillingness to change?

Jeez, just break up already.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> I really like him & believe he cares about me too. If he can't say he loves me though then I really don't know how long is reasonable to stay with him. Just seems crazy for him not to


Uh, maybe because he has a BRAIN and that brain tells him that something's wrong with the relationship so he can't fall in love with you?

How many threads are you going to start to get the answer you want?


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> Uh, maybe because he has a BRAIN and that brain tells him that something's wrong with the relationship so he can't fall in love with you?
> 
> How many threads are you going to start to get the answer you want?


I read on another board and the OP has done these same threads there too. Getting pretty much the same advice as here.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Ok, so let's say that you have a talk with him, and then he says "I love you". Let's say he does that.

How long will it be until you're back here, wondering if you should be breaking up with him because of something else you're not 100% about? From what we've seen from post #1 from you, it's always something.

Advice: get counseling. Get yourself fixed. You are on pace to NEVER be satisfied or happy.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I said, "basically I love you and wasn't sure if you felt the same." He instantly replied "of course I feel the same. Have you not been feeling loved or cared for? Because I think actions speak so much louder than words & I thought that by meeting your family, always treating you well & like you're special to me, you'd know." I said I just need to hear words on occasion. He said that in his (foreign) culture he was absolutely never raised to "talk about feelings" and he said "it's not like I had some conscious reason behind why I hadn't said those a actual words to you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> I said, "basically I love you and wasn't sure if you felt the same." He instantly replied "of course I feel the same. Have you not been feeling loved or cared for? Because I think actions speak so much louder than words & I thought that by meeting your family, always treating you well & like you're special to me, you'd know." I said I just need to hear words on occasion. He said that in his (foreign) culture he was absolutely never raised to "talk about feelings" and he said "it's not like I had some conscious reason behind why I hadn't said those a actual words to you"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're clearly looking for a reason to break up. There is more to this story.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I don't want to break up. I think he's great & treats me well but he's just always been a very non verbal person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Wow, you have a great guy and you're going to dump him because he's not saying "I love you" on your timeline - even though you know that verbal expression is not his way of communicating?


I've been told many times something to the effect of "If you tell a girl you love her before a year or two years together, she will think you are some kind of crazy person."


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

ntamph said:


> I've been told many times something to the effect of "If you tell a girl you love her before a year or two years together, she will think you are some kind of crazy person."


Geez, I must've missed that memo. Too late now, I've married a crazy man. :crazy:


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

He spends every hour of his limited free time wih me. Told me "I've driven past this great apt building & thought how great Itd be to live there w you, but I just struggle with living together morally." He says "of course" he's told his family in a faraway coutry about me. If I had to say I love you first & ask if he felt the same or not & he immediately answered "of course I do," I can let that one flaw slide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> He spends every hour of his limited free time wih me. Told me "I've driven past this great apt building & thought how great Itd be to live there w you, but I just struggle with living together morally." He says "of course" he's told his family in a faraway coutry about me. If I had to say I love you first & ask if he felt the same or not & he immediately answered "of course I do," I can let that one flaw slide.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Are you seeking counseling for your issues? I don't know...I'm a woman in my 20s and [no offense] I see issues on your side. He's acting like anyone would


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's had at least a couple dozen people here tell her that, and she's ignored it.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

What issues do you see on my side?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Insecurity
Low self esteem
Unrealistic expectations
Questioning whether to drop someone if they don't say I love you and move you in within 6 months

Would have to go back and read all your threads to get more...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It seems like what you want is not what he wants. Or rather you want to rush him into marriage/saying I love you/and moving in together. 

That's not how it works.

Did you dump him yet?


----------



## Magci (Mar 27, 2014)

If you decide not to be with him, so break up as quickly as you can, don't hang up, that is not good for you two.


----------



## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> I really like him & believe he cares about me too. If he can't say he loves me though then I really don't know how long is reasonable to stay with him. Just seems crazy for him not to cuz he seems committed, has met my family & told me he really enjoyed meeting them, spends all of his free time with me (he works 90 hours/wk), etc
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You would have gone crazy with my SO... we were together a year AND moved into our own place before the words "I love you" _ever_ left his mouth.
But I KNEW he loved me by the way he treated me. He made me feel special, even though he never said it out loud.
Talk is cheap. I know another guy who says "ILY" in the first ten minutes, but he never means it. Just says whatever the girl wants to hear to keep the sex coming.

I'd rather have a guy like my SO and your BF, honestly.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I mostly agree, he really does treat me as #1 and seems very into me. Met my family and takes me to his best buddies' weddings far away from home, and says "of course I feel the same, isn't it obvious all the time by how I treat you?" when I say I love him. But after 8 months if he isn't talking about when he plans to move in together (though I know he's never lived with anyone and has serious reservations about it) or get married (though multiple times he's said things like "you never have to worry about where this is going, everything will happen for us I promise") I just don't know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I told this guy it'd be important to hear the actual words "I love you" occasionally if that's what he feels. 2 weeks later he still never has. And I get that he works long hours, but he went over 24 hours without responding to even 1 text of mine asking how his day was. Mind you he was able to go to gym, run errands etc... But not even text me 1 message 1 time. When I told him it bugged me, he just blew up at me & somehow found a way to act like he's mad at ME

And he's gone totally Mia (not even 1 text message for over 24 hours) numerous times before when "busy with work." And I never ever confronted him or made him feel bad. But I know I'd go the whole week without seeing him ever, unless I initiate coming over his place. He just never reaches out to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> He just never reaches out to me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's because he is not as into the relationship as you are. He can also sense your neediness. This is an attraction killer. Please take a step back and try to figure out why you are so adamant on making this guy feel or act in a way which doesn't suit him. 

If he felt the need to be in a committed relationship with you, he would be pursuing you. You wouldn't have to wait 24 hours for text messages.

For your own self-esteem, it may be better to end this relationship.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, you go to him and say something like, "I don't really feel this is going anywhere, despite you telling me it is, that's not what's actually happening, so this is goodbye".

But I doubt you actually want to break up with him, you just want him to love you more than he does. Unfortunately there's no magic fairy to make this happen.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> He just never reaches out to me


Why should he? You do enough for the both of you. Neediness is not attractive to anyone, Roses. And good, healthy relationships DO have time apart for each person to do their own thing.


----------

