# Polygraph



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No. To me, if you get to that point, there is no trust and I'm not sure what getting good results back would do. 

It means the trust has eroded so badly that you're relying on machines to give you answers.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I think polygraphs can be too easily manipulated. Especially by someone such as your husband who has the military training not to show emotions. A polygraph here would probably do no good.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

It's so hard being so in the dark when this is still such a recent revelation. Guess I'm back to just assuming the worst.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> I was reading about some local agencies yesterday that do them, and they're only about 80%-95% accurate. That scared me. I know his military stuff wouldn't affect his results; he has not had that kind of training. (I used to do the same job, lol.) But we do know from his shrink that he dissociates his emotions, so of course I wonder if that would affect the test.


my husband does the same things, he dissociates his emotions. It's like he can take any emotion that would cause him to feel any regret, guilt or remorse and he hides them away somewhere.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The way you position the polygraph is that it is one of the conditions for him to reenter the marriage and confirm his honesty, he is first asked to come clean thereafter told that a polygraph will be booked and he has until the day before to ensure there are no missings in the information he has imparted to you.

You may read or hear different views on the effectiveness, I can assure you few people are able to fudge a polygraph if it is conducted properly. Even your husband military or not does not have an advantage to cheating the test. 

The polygraph is a tool in the arsenal and is not to be used in isolation. If you do go this route and your husband declines you are fully entitled to walk away from him as his very action confirms your suspicions. If he agrees do some research and book the test, if he is angry and threatening before or after, it says it all. There is no smoke without fire.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Anonymous_Female said:


> Scary, isn't it? I feel like I have been married to a monster--I had NO idea that things were as bad as they were until the A came to light. Not sure if I've mentioned he also has been diagnosed with PTSD, which I'm sure only compounds the problem.[/QUOT
> 
> I know, for nearly 15 years, my life was based on a lie. I'm finally starting to wake up and realize that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've been fluttered. With practice you can 'beat' them by that meaning, you can make the results unreliable or unusable by messing with the baseline so that there are NO reliable answers at all even to the questions you know he's not lying on e.g. your name and address. It's much harder to 'beat' a flutter via not having any adverse reaction and an overall flat response. That's pretty hard unless you're a bona fide pure sociopath.

Having said that, I would just refuse to agree to take one. Period. I cannot understand any plausible scenario where I would agree.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I dont recall ever reading about someone here that actually took one or submitted a spouse to one. 

Heard it talked about alot, just never seen it taken all the way to action. Just the threat of one is generally enough to shake the truth out of a DS or tell u what you need to know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Worth repeating:


Eli-Zor said:


> The way you position the polygraph is that it is one of the conditions for him to reenter the marriage and confirm his honesty, he is first asked to come clean thereafter told that a polygraph will be booked and he has until the day before to ensure there are no missings in the information he has imparted to you.
> 
> You may read or hear different views on the effectiveness, I can assure you few people are able to fudge a polygraph if it is conducted properly. Even your husband military or not does not have an advantage to cheating the test.
> 
> The polygraph is a tool in the arsenal and is not to be used in isolation. If you do go this route and your husband declines you are fully entitled to walk away from him as his very action confirms your suspicions. If he agrees do some research and book the test, if he is angry and threatening before or after, it says it all. There is no smoke without fire.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

From all the stories I've read about them, most BSs get more from the cheater BEFORE the test than in it. That is the beauty of the polygraph; they get so flustered that they blurt it all out on the way there, so the BS won't get the big surprise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I've been fluttered. With practice you can 'beat' them by that meaning, you can make the results unreliable or unusable by messing with the baseline so that there are NO reliable answers at all even to the questions you know he's not lying on e.g. your name and address. It's much harder to 'beat' a flutter via not having any adverse reaction and an overall flat response. That's pretty hard unless you're a bona fide pure sociopath.
> 
> Having said that, I would just refuse to agree to take one. Period. I cannot understand any plausible scenario where I would agree.


 And, in both cases - wack results OR refusing to take it, I would walk away from you if you were my husband who had been caught cheating.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Wow, thanks so much for all the insightful replies! 

Eli-Zor I especially appreciate the detail. 

Runs like Dog I can imagine that my husband might have the same reaction out of sheer stubbornness, even if he did have nothing to hide--that's just the kind of guy he is. Which should say a lot in itself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What that says to ME is that he values his pride over his wife.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> What that say to ME is that he values his pride over his wife.


Indeed. He's a narcissist, if that clears it up any, lol.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tunera that's your prerogative. I would leave you if told me to be tested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I think polygraphs can be too easily manipulated. Especially by someone such as your husband who has the military training not to show emotions. A polygraph here would probably do no good.


Military training does not teach you anything about showing or not showing emotions... Soldiers are just as normal as you and I.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Be your own polygraph... if your gut tells you hes lying he probably is. If hes covering his a$$ a lot and changing his story a lot, if hes hiding his cell phone or email accounts from you.. hes lying. Trust your gut.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A flutter does not measure the veracity of an answer. It measures the stress induced by the question.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Tunera that's your prerogative. I would leave you if told me to be tested.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Even after you cheated on me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> A flutter does not measure the veracity of an answer. It measures the stress induced by the question.


 Yes, and anything you show stress about is something I will want to explore further, in person. Just as you should want to know what stresses ME, as a couple. Especially after one of us has cheated.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I don't entirely trust my wifes story. But, she has made an effort to rebuild that I can recognize. I need to make an effort to trust her now. So, I would not personally ever go to those lengths.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I know if it were me, and my H asked me for a polygraph I would take it without hesitation... of course I have nothing to hide. 

I think if you were to threaten polygraph and they refuse.. it shows that they can't be trusted. 

Would I ever threaten it on my H? No, because I'm at the point where my marriage is over and I really don't care anymore. But I don't think I would ever request it of anyone I was ever in a relationship with. I say if you have to even consider giving your spouse a polygraph its not worth staying in the marriage, because trust is already lacking or gone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> Even after you cheated on me?


Isn't that your answer?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

turnera said:


> Yes, and anything you show stress about is something I will want to explore further, in person. Just as you should want to know what stresses ME, as a couple. Especially after one of us has cheated.



Like I said, there's your answer. If you already know then what's there to gain further?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> I think if you were to threaten polygraph and they refuse.. it shows that they can't be trusted.


Waterboard them. It won't kill them.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

LOL.. i don't have the time.. or the energy to even care that much


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Like I said, there's your answer. If you already know then what's there to gain further?


 It all depends on whether the betrayed spouse wants to keep the marriage, doesn't it? If he/she does, then honesty going back in is a must.

That and a post-nup.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anonymous_Female said:


> It's confusing...a few weeks ago I asked him spur-of-the-moment for his email password. He got very angry and refused, but relented within minutes. He was at our home and can't get into his email from there, so I know he wasn't just buying time to get in and delete stuff. And once he gave me the password, turns out there was nothing to hide in there at all. He is just that stubborn and doesn't want to have to "submit" to anyone else, ever, for any reason.


Did you 'reward' him for being honest with you?


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds good.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

many yrs ago my W and I used to take turns accusing one another of infidelity and finally i couldnt take it anymore and said we'd both take one but not at same time (cost reasons). she took it first with much hesitation and wound up doing the "crying thing" many a gal uses on male police officers to get out of all those speeding tickets we guys usually have to pay for lol:...not!).

i remember the investigator saying she basically was telling the 
truth, but that he saw some indicators re: her heart that she
should see a Dr about. funny, she never followed up with the
Dr advice (as most would, hmmm).

i felt at the time, that her "tear-routine" may've weighed in heavily with this fella (sympathy) and now also that i've read here how it could've affected the baselines & other indicators on the test. And it occurred to me afterwards that how many
investigators really wanna be there for any & all of the fireworks
that may ensue from telling a H/W (or both) that they are lying
re: their fidelity etc. I mean, c'mon, u'd have to have some emergency measures (like a gun in the desk perhaps?) for possible blow up situations that may occur.
Or do many experienced investigators just "take the $$$ & run"; that is, do the test and just say H/W is "clear...have a nice day(?)" [at least with marital cases]
Or do they say,"hmmm, lemme mail ya the results folks...":lol:

So officially, she's "passed" but the continual accusations or defensiveness (esp when i'm not accusing her of Infid) always has me "wondering" from time to time. Yet its all in Gods hands now.

shalom yeladeem.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

To chime in here: I actually think a polygraph can be a useful tool in the right situation. Of course there's a lack of trust -- there was an affair! In a reconciling situation, you're taking a giant leap of faith to trust, against all valid reasons for doing so. You are trusting someone who's already broken that trust. 

So if, in order to start over again, the victimized spouse wants, needs, or chooses validation, I see no issue. Why not have it? 

I'm collecting the facts I need, as she has relayed them to me. I've been very up-front with her in saying she can tell me anything and everything, but now is the time (ie, did she or did she not have sex with this OM? She insists not.) I will not find out differently later and continue another moment of working on reconciling -- I'll be out the door. 

Last step before going all-in will be the polygraph to validate we're starting on the same page. If we're not, then it was time & money well-spent now. 

Maybe over the top or ridiculous, but so was the affair in the first place. I've got everything to win and nothing to lose, imho, by having her do it.


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