# Husband says I exhaust him when I want to talk about feelings



## nala21 (Apr 7, 2011)

My husband said to me the other day that he avoids spending time with me because he knows that I will always want to talk about "feelings". He says it's exhausting. He just wants to hang out, have a relaxing time. He said he gets nervous every time he sees me look at him with "that" look. He says when I say "let's talk about our feelings" it always ends up being "let's talk about his feelings" and he says it takes too much energy. My defense is I am not happy. We need to work on our marriage. Ofcourse I always want to talk about his feelings because he never shows them to me willingly. We can ride in the same car for 6 hours and if I don't say something, he would be content to ride in silence the whole 6 hours. He loves to get "lost" in his own brain. He says he is constantly having a conversation but it's with himself in his mind. He is very intreverted this way. His idea of relaxing is if he was home all by himself without me and the kids so that he can just read books, watch movies on history and wars, and be able to think. My idea of relaxing is hanging out with as many people as possible. Is it just a man/woman thing? Or is it us? The only verbal compliments he has given me in 12 years is "I love you", "you look nice", "thanks for doing that for me", and the cherry on top, "I love your VERY much". 

Am I blowing things out of proportion here? Or am I right to expect more from male species?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

How long have you gone without talking about or bringing up the "feelings" conversation? Perhaps he feels its to much or being run in the ground. I'm not saying talking and communicating feelings isn't important, because it is, but to much of anything is probably not good. BY the time you're done talking to him, not only does he probably feel exhausted, you probably feel your words fell on deaf ears and you're beating a dead horse. So what would happen if you went a whole week without bringing anything up?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I broke up with a girl in college because she was a chatterbox. It wasn't even talking about anything. It was just noise. 

You're one of those women who gets energized by talking. I know a few of them.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

First off most men don't like to discuss their feelings...ever. Secondly you are extroverted and he's introverted. Translation you are a chatterbox and he prefers quiet.

Solution is easy. Stop talking so much. And get some girlfriends. Use up all your "words" before he gets home. Your marriage will improve if you do these two things.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You really think "men" don't like talking about how they feel?

Do you ever read my posts?


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

He has told you how he feels, you want to keep talking it round in circles, no wonder the poor guy just feels drained. No matter what he says to you about it, you will push, prod, poke and twist and dissect every word of it and rehash it all over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Get the picture?

He has told you how he feels, accept it and go forward. Look instead to how he ACTS, this is FAR more telling to what his true feelings are. Guys in general are taught to disassociate with our feelings and therefore have not got the "ability" to talk about them like our less inhibited female friends, it is not wrong, it is just different to the way you see it. Accept it, or frustrate yourself and him and damage your relationship!

I too, am exhausted by endless roundabout talking, yet I can hold intelligent and thought provoking conversations for hours, but in the end of that time I am done and don't want to talk again while I digest and process for several hours. I can feel his pain, my wife pokes at the feelings topic too, just as you do. Back off, read the other obvious signs and see exactly what is going on in his head, and you will both be a lot happier in the long term.

If you want roundabout conversations for the sake of conversation, find other friends who enjoy that. Don't keep trying to inflict it on someone who obviously is not into that. He has told you, the information has been given, be happy.


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## CrystalPalace (Apr 7, 2011)

Sounds like he needs some structure to the conversation. I'd take his proclamation of exhaustion as a sign that the approach you're trying isn't working. Possibly you're not "satisfied" with his answers when you try to elicit his feelings. If so, there's some soul searching for you to do.

Have you considered marital counseling. You stated you're "unhappy." Satisfying marriages don't survive unhappy members.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I understand your frustration.

It sounds like he feels under pressure to converse, like he's being evaluated to do more than he feels comfortable.

My suggestion is to stop asking, looking, or pushing for this...and eventually on a timeline that's comfortable with, he might come around and open up more.

My H also says I have a "look" that means I demand conversation.
This is what he's used to...for now.

I have to give him a reason to trust that i'm not always looking for the deep conversation that, frankly, might scare him on some level.

I find that when I don't "demand" communication from him, he's ultimately more willing to give of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You really think "men" don't like talking about how they feel?
> 
> Do you ever read my posts?


Exactly.

And if women don't get an emotional connection they are very likely to be unhappy. I have an emotional connection to my friends, but it is not the same as the deep emotional attachment I have for my fiance. I do need to know how much I mean to him, I do need to talk about our relationship and our love to feel fullfilled within our relationship. 

You may well be bringing it up quite a lot because you feel starved for it and are desperately missing it. 

I wonder of most of the men here would be happy and content for a wife to do the same with sex, - "I just don't need it often to feel content, I prefer to be by myself" and so on. This is not meeting each others need for intimacy. 

He needs to find a way to communicate with you and let you know how much you mean to him or I think your relationship will be in trouble.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Truth is men enjoy a thoughtful, engaging conversations even about feelings. The difference is that men like to feel that the conversation has direction and purpose. Moving your lips just to hear yourself talk is extremely irritating and as men we view this as a waste of time. 

Next time you have a conversation with husband use this structure:

Introduction of topic
Settle on a topic
Dialog the topic and get different perspectives
Agree or disagree respectfully
Conclude the topic and watch hubby to see if he is open to another topic.
Kiss goodnight when done. 
Sex is a great way to agree to disagree 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Oh and remember he is no substitute for a girlfriend. Some topics just are best discussed with friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He told you he felt exhausted and anxious when you want to talk about feelings. I'd say he's pretty good at it--very direct. Now, what will you do with that information? 

You could try another tactic (I'm a woman and I don't get the "let's talk about our feelings" conversations at all). Instead of having conversations about "feelings," try asking him every so often (when something happens), "So, how did you feel when X said Y?" (or whatever). Validate his feeling when he tells you, AND THEN MOVE ON--"So, what did you do about X?" This way you are getting information about things without subjecting him to conversations that may be difficult for him. And apply the same rule when talking about feelings relating to the marriage--ask about a specific event or time, and once he verbalizes the feeling, ask him what he thought about the event/situation that led to that feeling--this is much more important than the feeling, because it will reveal how he INTERPRETED the situation (and how he interpreted it is what led to the feeling) and you can compare how you saw the situation--and leave it at that. Don't try to convince him that your way of seeing it was "right." Here's an example, "So, what do you think is going to happen when we talk about feelings?" Him: "I think you expect me to have profound feelings when lots of times I'm just on an even keel." You: "Oh, that's interesting. I think it will help us understand each other better. So, what do you think the Cubs chances are this year?" Another example: "So, how did you feel when I told your mother she looked old and frumpy. . . And what did you think would happen when I said that?" The idea is to connect thoughts as the precursor to feelings (feelings don't just come out of the blue; they reflect how we are responding intellectually to an event--Saber Toothed Tiger; I could die! I feel panic. . ."

You could also ask him to share more of what he is thinking about, too--but encourage him to volunteer the information so that he does not feel you are invading his turf. And remember, if you respond well to his attempts, he's more likely to share his thoughts more often. Be conscious of when he does offer thoughts, too, and do not tax his introverted nature too much; he needs his quiet time as much as you may need talk time.

As for you--yep, more friends will help, perhaps, or you could try writing your thoughts down, and see if that reduces your need for conversation. Journaling is like making a friend of yourself, and you are always willing and able to talk to you!


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## nala21 (Apr 7, 2011)

Thanks for all the great and somewhat hard to hear comments. I do agree with mostly everything said. I think the root of it is that I am starve for intimacy. In the first 10 years of our marriage, I equated intimacy with sex so I would always desire more sex in order to feel intimacy with him (not only does he not like to talk about feelings, he does not have a need for sex). So the more he kept his feelings to himself, the more I initiated sex (it was at least some kind of intimacy). The more I initiated sex, the more he felt pressured. It was an endless cycle. Then last year I gave up and completely went dead inside. I shut down all my caring, expressions, love, and needs with him. Even through all this, not once did he say how it affected him. It wasn't until the episode where he said my talking about feelings exhausted him that he said he was hurt last year. He said he doesn't like to talk about his feelings because he feels I want him to take a dagger, cut open his chest, rip out his heart, and put it on platter so that I can know he has a heart. Ouch. That hurt. But I did see his point. I am just having a hard time being patient and quiet because I get absolutely No feelings. No intimacy. No sex. No initiation of bonding. To him, we are good just the way we. I will do my best to be patient and not let my heart get hurt so easily. I agree that we need to go to marriage counseling.


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## nala21 (Apr 7, 2011)

Just for ccontext, we have great conversations about politics, business, kids, world events, literature, history, etc. We have no problems there. We are great friends. But I don't want just a platonic husband-friend. I need a man who can at a moment, look at me with desire and then satisfy his desire. A man who after I say "you are the most incredible man i've ever known" to say something along that line back to me. I don't let him leave the house without me telling him how sexy/hot he looks. I like to kiss him passionately out of the blue. I like to pleasure him sexually. I cook him meals from scratch because he LOVES food (i make my own tortillas, ground meat, fresh pasta, etc). I know I am not perfect. But to me, I treat him as though he is perfect. I just want 1/10 of it reciprocated back to me on an intimate level. Not as my platonic husband-friend.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

nala21 said:


> Just for ccontext, we have great conversations about politics, business, kids, world events, literature, history, etc. We have no problems there. We are great friends. But I don't want just a platonic husband-friend. I need a man who can at a moment, look at me with desire and then satisfy his desire. A man who after I say "you are the most incredible man i've ever known" to say something along that line back to me. I don't let him leave the house without me telling him how sexy/hot he looks. I like to kiss him passionately out of the blue. I like to pleasure him sexually. I cook him meals from scratch because he LOVES food (i make my own tortillas, ground meat, fresh pasta, etc). I know I am not perfect. But to me, I treat him as though he is perfect. I just want 1/10 of it reciprocated back to me on an intimate level. Not as my platonic husband-friend.


Sounds like you're smothering him.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

nala21 said:


> Thanks for all the great and somewhat hard to hear comments. I do agree with mostly everything said. I think the root of it is that I am starve for intimacy. In the first 10 years of our marriage, I equated intimacy with sex so I would always desire more sex in order to feel intimacy with him (not only does he not like to talk about feelings, he does not have a need for sex). So the more he kept his feelings to himself, the more I initiated sex (it was at least some kind of intimacy). The more I initiated sex, the more he felt pressured. It was an endless cycle. Then last year I gave up and completely went dead inside. I shut down all my caring, expressions, love, and needs with him. Even through all this, not once did he say how it affected him. It wasn't until the episode where he said my talking about feelings exhausted him that he said he was hurt last year. He said he doesn't like to talk about his feelings because he feels I want him to take a dagger, cut open his chest, rip out his heart, and put it on platter so that I can know he has a heart. Ouch. That hurt. But I did see his point. I am just having a hard time being patient and quiet because I get absolutely No feelings. No intimacy. No sex. No initiation of bonding. To him, we are good just the way we. I will do my best to be patient and not let my heart get hurt so easily. I agree that we need to go to marriage counseling.


Ok so no sex, and no emotional connection. And you are sticking around? Why? Why are you bending over backwards to do all of these loving things for him.

He is having his needs met but you are not. It sounds like he couldn't care less, he knows you will be there tomorrow and keep on keeping on.

Even if you are "smothering' him, this came out of somewhere, this cycle obviously started because your needs weren't being met, and the more you tried the less he met them.

You need to stop and put your self first. That might mean (well it would to me) ending the relationship and moving forward by yourself.

No one should live in a loveless affectionless marriage.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Maybe you do to much for him. You did say you treat him as perfect. He isn't though, you need to realize this. Never put someone else on a pedistool. Thats to high for most people to reach, and then when thats not reciprocated, it builds resentment. 

Part of why he may not reciprocate is, maybe you're doing to much for him, he doesn't or can't appreciate you if you are always the one doing. Back off from several things for awhile and see what happens. If he does nothing at all, then maybe he is simply checked out of the marriage. If he does reciprocate some things, then you'll know you were putting in way more effort than he was. Hopefully you both will find some kind of balance.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I had a husband like yours. I realize now that I kept trying to fix the problem by doing MORE. More talking, more cooking, more cleaning, more something and none of it worked. I realize now the answer was to actually do less. See the more I did the less he did (out of balance) and the more resentment I felt. When I took the focus off him and onto me I began to put balance back in my life.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> You really think "men" don't like talking about how they feel?
> 
> Do you ever read my posts?


Let me clarify my husband does like to discuss his feelings on work, world events, politics, but not all that much about our marriage or intimate issues. Not unless there is a specific goal or issue to be resolved and even that has a limit. If we've discussed the same issue time and time again he gets sick of it. He's like ask me something new already. I think he feels like he's already said all that he needs to say on a particular topic of intimacy and is annoyed if I keep bringing it up AGAIN which is what the OP sounds like she's doing.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I had a husband like yours. I realize now that I kept trying to fix the problem by doing MORE. More talking, more cooking, more cleaning, more something and none of it worked. I realize now the answer was to actually do less. See the more I did the less he did (out of balance) and the more resentment I felt. When I took the focus off him and onto me I began to put balance back in my life.


This is a good point.

Surprise him.

He expects you to bring things up, discuss things, look for some response from him.
Show him different.
Say less, ask for less, expect less...and you may actually get "more."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

So there was a lot more to the story! His lack of interest in sex and other forms of intimacy is a much bigger issue than introvert-extrovert.

I agree that you need to figure out what you are getting out of the relationship. If it is enough to make you happy, great. If not, insist on counseling. I told my ex (before the divorce,) that I had cherished him and treated him like I believed one should treat someone they love--and he agreed. He also agreed that he pretty much ignored me and my needs. He wanted a 2nd chance, but I was too far gone. You could end up on the same path if you don't make changes now. (I like the path, but it isn't for everyone).


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nala21 said:


> am I right to expect more from male species?


You are certainly right to expect more but you may have to do some real work here to get what you need.

I have exactly same problem with my wife. She is super-animated to lay in bed and discuss kids, her friends, schools or even the neighborhood association (she is the president). But if the topic should turn to us as a couple or our marriage relationship (and only I would bring this up) she will be fading out and starting to snore in less than 5 minutes. 

We have a set of related problems in addition to this and my current operative theory is that she is controlled by a deep fear of intimacy. All the above conversations concern non-intimate relationships and she overcompensates in this area. Any interaction that might increase intimacy intimacy triggers an avoidance reactions of which sleeping is probably the least offensive. 

I use a variation on the approach describe by sanity to work through this. First, I set up a physically close situation with touching and holding that is more intimate than casual but short of direct sexual contact. I pick the topic because she is not yet able to have a topic of her own. We converse on the topic. I express my feelings and I completely agree with anything she says since I am successful if I can get her to listen and say anything at all. We never have a second topic at this point. Usually she falls into a semi-waking state and we kiss and continue contact usually with the intimacy level turned up just a little more.

So far this is working pretty well for us although our objective progress is not really a lot. On my own account, my persistent effort gets me a lot more of of what I'm looking for so I am definitely better off for the effort


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Say less, ask for less, expect less...and you may actually get "more."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but I completely disagree with this tactic. Make everything you say a joy to hear, ask nicely for what you want, be persistent and expect to be successful getting what you need.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sorry, but I completely disagree with this tactic. Make everything you say a joy to hear, ask nicely for what you want, be persistent and expect to be successful getting what you need.


Many of us valiantly try that with the highest of faith and expectations.

It's only after we are disappointed and hurt that we try a more counterintuitive route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> We have a set of related problems in addition to this and my current operative theory is that she is controlled by a deep fear of intimacy.


I think my husband is like this. I've been initiating more non-sexual touching as a way to connect instead of "talking". I'm back in therapy and she did suggest I up this to touching AND talking. Not full blown, beat it to death conversations just a few loving words of how I feel and leave it at that. No expectations just saying what's in my heart at the time.

This is working because since I've started this he has initiated more heartfelt words back to me as well. Baby steps.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Sorry, but I completely disagree with this tactic. Make everything you say a joy to hear, ask nicely for what you want, be persistent and expect to be successful getting what you need.


I spent YEARS trying this tactic and it failed miserably. Playing a bit hard to get and withdrawn (aka getting a life without making my dh the center of it) worked better. He'd come home and I'd get busy doing other things. I wasn't mean I was just tired of pursuing him. 

So I got a life. Started working out (for me), got some friends, found other things to do and amazingly enough he began to pursue me again. I think I smothered my husband so giving him room to breathe put some life back in our relationship and the key to this is to do it all with a big smile on your face. That part is hard but I did it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I spent YEARS trying this tactic and it failed miserably. Playing a bit hard to get and withdrawn (aka getting a life without making my dh the center of it) worked better. He'd come home and I'd get busy doing other things. I wasn't mean I was just tired of pursuing him.
> 
> So I got a life. Started working out (for me), got some friends, found other things to do and amazingly enough he began to pursue me again. I think I smothered my husband so giving him room to breathe put some life back in our relationship and the key to this is to do it all with a big smile on your face. That part is hard but I did it.


When my husband sees that I am:

independent 
happy
concerned and invested in other activities and relationships
upbeat
secure
competent and confident 

It takes the pressure off him to feel responsible for my happiness 

And he is MORE attracted to me.

It's not a game. It's living a life that is full and fulfilling enough that he takes interest in being a part of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I spent YEARS trying this tactic and it failed miserably. Playing a bit hard to get and withdrawn (aka getting a life without making my dh the center of it) worked better. He'd come home and I'd get busy doing other things. I wasn't mean I was just tired of pursuing him.
> 
> So I got a life. Started working out (for me), got some friends, found other things to do and amazingly enough he began to pursue me again. I think I smothered my husband so giving him room to breathe put some life back in our relationship and the key to this is to do it all with a big smile on your face. That part is hard but I did it.


I guess I didn't understand that you weren't doing all this in the first place. There must be a lot of personal time available while he's doing his reading and viewing and thinking. 

Myself, I moved up three levels in classical piano and trained for distance running before I finally decided I wanted to have the wife I needed. And I still don't have that but I'm making progress


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I think my husband is like this. I've been initiating more non-sexual touching as a way to connect instead of "talking". I'm back in therapy and she did suggest I up this to touching AND talking. Not full blown, beat it to death conversations just a few loving words of how I feel and leave it at that. No expectations just saying what's in my heart at the time.
> 
> This is working because since I've started this he has initiated more heartfelt words back to me as well. Baby steps.


Yay!

Sometimes keeping it simple speaks AND invites volumes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I guess I didn't understand that you weren't doing all this in the first place. There must be a lot of personal time available while he's doing his reading and viewing and thinking.


Nope I smothered. Now if for some reason I feel myself getting clingy I take a step BACK. Seems counterproductive but it works. Otherwise he visibily withdraws when I get too needy. Better I go deal with it in therapy than bring it to him.


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