# Caught her cheating...says she wants me



## neal (Sep 14, 2011)

My wife told me during an argument that she had an emotional affair for a couple months with some guy at the gym she works out at. this was at the end of June. Apparently this happened at the beginning of the year. At that point she told me she had no physical or emotional attraction to me but she loved me. She said that the thing with this other guy was over (he is married as well) because she felt guilty. We started counceling and she said that she was trying to work things out. I was still suspicous and put a key logger on her computer. I found facebook messages between her and the OM. The affair had been sexual for a while and they were telling eachother that they loved eachother. I called her at work and told her I found out and that I was leaving and never wanted to see her again. (we have been married for 10 years). She came home and was an emotional reck begging me to stay. Needless to say I stayed. She told me she would end it and have no contact. the next few weeks I would ask almost every day if there was any texts, calls what ever. She would say no. Then one night when she said no I said to her what if I were to tell you I know that you had. She started to cry and asked what would you do...I just sat there and she told me that they had been texting but not as much as in the past she was trying to end it but struggling. We had a pretty emotional talk and are continuing to work on the marriage. Since then she tells me she has had no contact at all but that its hard. she says that she loves me completely and sees herself with me for the rest of her life. I think I believe that she hasn't been in touch with him but I am really starting to struggle with the idea of my wife being with and having feelings for another man and if any of the things she says or does with me are real. Does anyone have any thought, encouragement, anything....I'm lost and confused.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

neal said:


> My wife told me during an argument that she had an emotional affair for a couple months with some guy at the gym she works out at. this was at the end of June. Apparently this happened at the beginning of the year. At that point she told me she had no physical or emotional attraction to me but she loved me. She said that the thing with this other guy was over (he is married as well) because she felt guilty. We started counceling and she said that she was trying to work things out. I was still suspicous and put a key logger on her computer. I found facebook messages between her and the OM. The affair had been sexual for a while and they were telling eachother that they loved eachother. I called her at work and told her I found out and that I was leaving and never wanted to see her again. (we have been married for 10 years). She came home and was an emotional reck begging me to stay. Needless to say I stayed. She told me she would end it and have no contact. the next few weeks I would ask almost every day if there was any texts, calls what ever. She would say no. Then one night when she said no I said to her what if I were to tell you I know that you had. She started to cry and asked what would you do...I just sat there and she told me that they had been texting but not as much as in the past she was trying to end it but struggling. We had a pretty emotional talk and are continuing to work on the marriage. Since then she tells me she has had no contact at all but that its hard. she says that she loves me completely and sees herself with me for the rest of her life. I think I believe that she hasn't been in touch with him but I am really starting to struggle with the idea of my wife being with and having feelings for another man and if any of the things she says or does with me are real. Does anyone have any thought, encouragement, anything....I'm lost and confused.


Inform the OM's wife, get tested for STDs and file for divorce. Your wife is addicted to the OM and after promising you to have no contact with him, she turned around and did it again, this is a second betrayal. If she truly loved you she would have walked through glass to restore your trust in her after promising to end all contact with the OM. You need to man up and let her see that there are consequences to her actions.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Neal I'll tell how it felt from the male side of an EA, I had an EA that sounds similar to your wife's. She's addicted, addicted to the brain chemicals that are triggered by her AP (affair partner) just as much as if she were addicted to cocaine. That's why she's having such a hard time maintaining no contact. Every time she tries as the days go on with no contact the withdrawal gets worse and worse until either she caves and contacts him or vice versa. Something as simple as, "just wondering if you're ok" is all it takes and that dopamine rush comes flooding back. So when she tells you it's hard she's telling you the truth. Working myself out of what I described above hurt so badly it literally ached physically. None of the above justifies her actions, it's only an effort to help you understand them. 

To move forward, first she has to stop lying - period. If there are remaining details of the affair she has to come clean. If she breaks no contact she has to tell you ASAP. If the OM sends her any type of communication she has to tell you. She should delete him in every medium he contacts her and block his number from her phone to make it as hard as possible for them to communicate. She should give you full access to everything she has, email, facebook, cell phone - everything. The real question here is does she really WANT to go no contact, even if she slips her intentions are what is key. If she does everything else and slips once or twice, I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt as she tries to kick her addiction. Others here will say to go hard consequence with her and slam your foot down - I can't say they're wrong - it's just not what my wife did to me and it worked for us. 

If all her other actions indicate that she has recommitted to you and the marriage, if you can, support her as she works through this. There is an opportunity to really reconnect with each other and actually improve your marriage if she can take full ownership and accountability for what she did and you both can then communicate about it and help each other work through it.

Edit to add: If she continues to break no contact, or even more so if she continues to lie, you will fast reach the point where I to would advocate going hard consequence on her. There is a very limited window in which I believe my opinion above is correct.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Of course she want you, you are her secerty blanket, you offer stablity while the other man offers excitement.

This this is very addicting and if its swept under the carpet she will continue. So expose it to the OMW and a small group of famly.

She allso need to write a NC (no contact letter). This may also mean her leaving the gym if OM is still a mamber.

The thing here is making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. The second thing is she needs to own up and except the consequences.

The both of you can learn from this and even prevent it from happening again. But just like with any addiction tough consequences and continued help from a pro is needed, so go get some MC (marriage counseling)

She needs to do the heavy lifting her and with real remorse she should write the MC letter for your review and then the both of you send it. She then needs to expose this to her parrents and the OMW (other mans wife). Last, she leaves the gym.

This will be very very hard for her to do, but the bottom line is by getting this monkey of her back she will see the hurt that this crap causes and hopefull understand it just not worth it.

So blow this out of the water with the thought that if this isn't addressed fully it will only happen later on, maybe years down the road.

My wifes 1st affair was swept under the carpet and it only took her 4 or 5 years to do it all over again. Why? well she never did the heavy lifting b/c I never wanted to deal with it.

See, it so easy to repeat this behavior, its fun and exciting , but when you have to pay the piper it makes you think twice the next time around.

So don't beg for your marriage, but protect it with confindence and tough love. All this, in a way is to punish her but the big picture here is to face this head so both of you learn from it.

Understanding why it happened, what cuased it to snowball into something this large and to be open enough to face the ughly truth of what she did. Se will for sure not want to talk about it, but with real remorse she will have to. 

Again face this sh~t head on....the both of you......know it, learn it, and come face to face with this infidelity crap so as to prevent it from happening again. 

It is my belief that your W affair is not the problem in the marriage, but the affair is a by product of a problematic marriage. So with out facing it and sweeping it under the carpet, it will happening again.

I have gone down this road, and and its easy to deny...or avoid the real issues here, it easier to pretent it never happened and as a husband that is married to a former serial cheater it is not worth it, please attack this issue.

If I would have faced this BS 20 guys ago we both would have had a much healthier marriage. Thats what its all about, face this affair head on and have a healthier marriage. 

It sound like she wants it to work on it so step up and and be the confident man that wants to protect his marriage and take control of your marriage by setting new boundries and have your wife show you true remorse by doing the heavy lifting that will prevent future affairs.

Yes its time to take control, you can not control her, but you can control what you will tolorate, and it will be her choice to stay and stay married to you with your boundries, or she can choose to leave if she continues.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you realy want to be sure there`s no contact inform the other mans wife ASAP.

She may also be able to give you info on the affair that you might never find out about otherwise.

If for no other reason inform her because he doesn`t get to walk away scott free while your marriage is in a shambles because of him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What have you done as far as transparency in communication? If she's serious, her phone and email should be open to you, any time. Her phone records should match with her phone, to ensure no "deleted" texts. Any attempts by him to communicate with you should be discussed immediately.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, she has been lying to you for a while now. First it was only a EA, then YOU find out it was a PA. Then she tells you that its over and she has No Contact. The YOU find out they're still communicating. She tells you she's REALLY done talk to this guy. The YOU bluffed her and she folded and told you the were just texting. If she can't be honest with you then you really don't have anything.

What you need to do is contact the OMW. She has a right to know that her WH has been carrying on an affair. She has a right to know just what kind of man she married. Do not tell your wife you're doing this. SHe'll tip him off and they'll be able to get there story straight prior to you contacting her. Your wife shouldn't get mad, she should even know what you did because she's not in contact with this guy, right?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Contact his wife and tell her of his adultery. He thinks he is free to play as he as no consequences .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Time to play hardball

yes, expose the affair to OMW, do NOT tell your wife you are doing this and just do it.

several things could happen if you do-

1) OMW will confront OM and he will throw your wife under the bus and say your wife is crazy. This will actually help snap your wife out of the fog.

2) OMW confronts OM and he admits and begs to stay in the marriage and ends contact with your wife.

3) OMW confronts OM and he admits it but leaves her and convinces your wife to be with him. If this happens know that it was never going to end and you lost her anyways and only got to the resolution quicker without more torture. Also know that affair relationships only have a 3% chance of succeeding long term.

4) OMW confronts OM and he begs to stay in the marriage but it gets swept under the rug and both of them continue cheating but more underground. (worst case scenario) But at least you have now have 2 sets of eyes watching.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Neal, you need to be a man. A man doesn't put up with his wife having a boyfriend. 

You need to tell the OM's wife. You need to confront the OM and tell him to stay away from your wife. 

You need to tell your wife that she needs to show her commitment, not just say it. No contact letter, full transparency (passwords to phones, email, facebook, etc). You need to make sure your wife knows that you will divorce her if she contacts him in anyway. And if it happens, you need to do it.

Once you show her that you are a man, she will gain respect for you.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sigma nailed it for me and my EA. Stopping all of the contact is very hard. Mine is self imposed. All texts, emails, contact information are gone. Do I still remember it? Yes. And like Sigma says, I want to contact her and ask if she's doing alright. Since the day we were caught, there was only one communication between us, the ending. 

And yet, every day I worry about how she feels and if she's okay. But I know the drug addiction would kick in if I contacted her in any way. All contact has to stop. I've done it so far. It's not easy.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Exposing the affair to the OMW is probably a good first step because it would force her to deal with the realistic consequences of her actions and it would turn the fantasy into something much less glamorous. You have to let her know that you are willing to leave her and that you are not willing to be a door mat or security blanket. The affair was her escape from reality that's why its hard to let go of it, many people who are too weak to cope with everyday realities tend to resort to these things in order to cope even if it means hurting others, as long as she and he do not see the real consequences of what they are doing that fantasy will continue to be justifiable in their heads.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Neal,

Great advice above, you should take heed. I would like to add a few things.

1. If you decide to work it out: Be prepared for the long haul...things tend to get worse before they get better when dealing with infidelity.

2. Trust nothing that your wife is telling you...affairs do not end overnight with a phone call. Verify everything she is telling you. I would do this until there is 100% no-contact between your wife and the OM for at least a year.

3. 100% no-contact means just that...no late night chats, emails, text or "accidental" bumping into's....there is no wiggle room here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Neal--save the texts/emails and forward them to his wife. His wife needs to know what is going on. Immediately. Also, taht will throw a hex on the affair. Affairs aren't fun when they aren't a secret anymore.

If she is serious (your wife), she needs to give you 100% honesty and transparecy and should never contact him again. She should also stop going to that gym. 

She fvcked up and then lied again. Any trust you have left for her will be soo hard to get back because of that. Decide what you are willing to accept/tolerate and go from there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:

_Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!* 

Why?

Because that will give her and the OM time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho husband who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in his marriage, therefore he suspects his wife is cheating on him and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet she's told him already "My husband knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who his wife is and exposes immediately:

"OM's Wife,

Your husband, Name, has been having an affair with my Wife's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (Copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have). Their affair has been detrimental to my marriage. My wife told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Your Name"

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your wife doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if she's still lying to you. So expose her for the liar she is without telling her or OM. And in the interim, tell her "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OM. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for her. She will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the house/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. She is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward her with the same generosity and pat her on the back and feel fearful when she is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell her where to go. _

Oh and a word of advice: NO marriage counselling as long as she's having an affair. MC does nothing as long as one partner is still lying/having an affair.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She still wants you because the OM doesn't want her yet (or never will).

I was the same, the minute the OW said that she wanted to be with me, that's when I didn't want to be with the wife anymore. Before that, I always made sure I kept the wife happy just in case.

Like other posters have said, it's time to man up and play hard ball. Cheaters don't respond to nice, nice = we keep cheating or we go into depression mode and then you're the a-hole that we blame because you ruined our relationship with the love of our life (btw which isn't you right now).

If we think you are about to kick us out, we'll play the victim and become Mr/Mrs Nice to make peace. But if we know we can keep on doing it then we'll keep pushing the boundaries to see how far we can go. If you keep giving us more leash, we'll keep doing more and more but just try to hide it better.

Like I said, I played the nice guy up to about when the OW said she would like to be with me. Then at that point I didn't care about how the wife felt anymore. The minute a cheater thinks the OW/OM is gonna be with them permanently, you'll get the famous, "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CH, what happened in the end of your story? You ended up with your wife right?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> She still wants you because the OM doesn't want her yet (or never will).
> 
> I was the same, the minute the OW said that she wanted to be with me, that's when I didn't want to be with the wife anymore. Before that, I always made sure I kept the wife happy just in case.
> 
> ...


There are exceptions to that - I was, but my EA broke most of the stereo types. And while me and my EA didn't go that way it is right way more than it's not.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> CH, what happened in the end of your story? You ended up with your wife right?


Yeah, we stayed married thanks to my wife's big heart and now have 3 beautiful (I call them my 3 monsters from hell, spoiled rotten by the grandparents lol) daughters.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The main reason she wants to stay in M with you at this point is that she knows there is no future with OM since he's married. Other than that, her mind is all about OM now. I suggest the following.

- Inform A to OMW. This is the most important step you must take. Your W may feel resentful and there may be some kind of backlash, but you have to take the risk as the benefit far outweighs the negatives.
- Make her write a formal NC letter and send it to him. This is important more from the standpoint of her showing true conviction to end A. It does not mean she can immediately turn off her feeling for OM by any means, but it has a official and ceremonial meaning to it.
- Apply all means of snooping and monitoring to make sure she does not deviate from her commitment for NC. You must help her thru this ending her A. The longer she stays NC, the easier it gets for your W to detach her feelings. Remember NC means No Contact of any kind. You have to even eliminate any picture or any gift she may have received that might trigger her to miss OM.

One quick question, though. So, was it EA or PA?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Neal

You wanna know what will get rid of her addiction

THE COLD HARD REALITY OF DIVORCE

Tell her to go to her lover, pack her clothes for her, and send her out the door---let her know you will NOT be with a woman, who has no respect for you

If she respected you, and the mge, and her family---this would be over

It would not be hard, she just has no reason, to end her love A.---you are not forcing any consequences on her

Do not forget she allowed this man inside her body, in defiance of her vows, she basically said to YOU, by her actions, you are nothing more than a POS

You have not stated there were any great problems with the mge., so why would she wreck the lives of everyone around her, for some cheap sex, , and some whispered sweet nothings, with a mmarried man, that can/never go anywhere.

She chose him over you, and now she still keeps him hanging around----

You want this to work, call her out, draw your line in the sand

Take AWAY her phone, computer, make her responsible to you at ALL times, make her do ALL the heavy lifting, lets see what kind of REAL remorse she shows,, what kind of contriteness there REALLY is, you don't want to hear that she is so sorry, that is pure BS---YOU WANT HER TO BE SORRY---you want selfless, not selfish

Tell her D., is on the table, lets see where she goes when facing the end of her comfortable lifestyle, things may not be good tween the 2 of you, but she sure ain't out there on her own, as she would be if you D'd her


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:
> 
> _Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!*
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is just perfect.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

morituri said:


> Inform the OM's wife, get tested for STDs and file for divorce. Your wife is addicted to the OM and after promising you to have no contact with him, she turned around and did it again, this is a second betrayal. If she truly loved you she would have walked through glass to restore your trust in her after promising to end all contact with the OM. You need to man up and let her see that there are consequences to her actions.


I would do this.

You don't have to finalize the D unless you want to but doing this will make her come down from the A and make her panic from losing you.

You can't be nice to her or "understanding", you have to put your foot down and tell her its over then let her try to win you back. As long as she has any feelings at all for the OM there's a chance she will relapse back into the A (technically it sounds like she never ended it).

If you don't play hardball, you will fail.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does anyone now how I can hotlink my exposure letter letter up there in my siggie?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hi Jelly,

Check you mailbox, I sent you a PM.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Got your PM. Let me see if it worked...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yay! It did!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It just looped me right back to this page of this thread...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> It just looped me right back to this page of this thread...


:lol:

epic fail....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL. I need to um, edit that. 

The second one works though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Neal, this is copy/pasted from another thread that I wrote in, but here's how it goes down when you expose:
> 
> _Here's the thing about exposure: *NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!!*
> 
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is this a zombie thread?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I suspect jelly is trying to fix her link after 6 months of it not working


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Dude, she has been lying to you for a while now. First it was only a EA, then YOU find out it was a PA. Then she tells you that its over and she has No Contact. The YOU find out they're still communicating. She tells you she's REALLY done talk to this guy. The YOU bluffed her and she folded and told you the were just texting. If she can't be honest with you then you really don't have anything.
> 
> What you need to do is contact the OMW. She has a right to know that her WH has been carrying on an affair. She has a right to know just what kind of man she married. Do not tell your wife you're doing this. SHe'll tip him off and they'll be able to get there story straight prior to you contacting her. Your wife shouldn't get mad, she should even know what you did because she's not in contact with this guy, right?


She has not told you the truth - not one single time - through all of this. Why would you even consider believing her now. She cannot be in love with you and be in love with and screwing OM. Plus - it is just so hard to give him up. The affair has not ended. They are still in contact - just being very, very careful.

How does it feel to be the consolation prize? Your marriage is dead and gone. The wife you married is not the woman you are with now. This woman is a cheat and a liar. Divorce now.


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## lostfish (Apr 2, 2012)

Maybe she's saying she wants to work it out... just to give her time to figure out an exit strategy that SHE is happy with..


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I would have helped her pack just as soon as she told me she was no longer attracted to me physically or emotionally.
Telling me that she "loved" me but was in (?) love with the other tube steak would have been enough.
Of course I have the benefit of having lived with a cheater for over twenty years and heard all the excuses from her along with some I made, myself in order to reconcile her actions.
Good Luck


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Neal's dead


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

People its an old thread


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sounds like she won't stop......I have a similar problem with my husband, except my thread will probably make you feel better for sure


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## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

Your wife needs to leave the house until you're 100% sure that the affair has ended. It hasn't yet.


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