# Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers :(



## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi all,
I will keep the facts of this brief as I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, just wanting to get other peoples take on this to I guess verify that I'm not out of line here...

Partner had what evidence can only prove to have been an emotional affair. 

I had the gut feelings for a long time leading up to finally catching her out, but the fact that she is a highly skilled forensic data recovery specialist for high tier company's and organizations (like law enforcement and defence) kinda gives you an idea of what I was up against as I spent months struggling to find the smoking gun that was causing my stronger than ever gut feelings that things wern't what they seemed.

Unfortunately though, when I found the tip of the iceburg, I let my emotions get the better of me and I confronted her immediately... when as I now realize, I should have kept it under my hat and stepped the investigation up so I could get the answers I now so desperately wish I had.

I'm one of those "need the full picture" kind of people... and I go crazy without it. My mind runs away with me and I can't let go of it, despite the fact it happened about 1 year ago now and we're getting married next month... and yes... I agree, not ideal and it sucks going into a marriage with this in the back of my mind every day.

Here are the basic facts:

The OM was a co-worker at her work. 
They began outside of professional and work related contact approximately 1 month after they started working together on a work project.

* They talked over "Office Communicator" all day, every day. This I know because one of the few emails I recovered had a line from the OM saying "I'm always talking to you!" - which was a discussion about how they would have to find a new way to talk after he left the company.

* They secretly messaged each other via the chat feature of "Words With Friends" scrabble app. When I asked her why she was always playing scrabble or even asked her who she was messaging a few times during this, she would tell me no one and say she was playing scrabble... silly me didn't realize there was a messaging feature built in! 

* They exchanged LOTS AND LOTS of sms's - to the point where she admitted that there more sms's between him and her and her and I... and I can tell you, her and I used to message her about 10-20 times a day... so I can't imagine how many there were with him!!? She in fact used this reason as her explaination as to why the SMS's had been deleted - she claims it was not because of the content, but because of the sheer number, which she knew was wrong. (further on this when I summarize)

* Her and I split up for about a week in late July/August - by this time they had been in heavy contact almost 24/7 for about 3 months... She swore to me there was no one else when I asked her at the time of the split - but it turns out that she felt the need to tell him that she thinks they should tone things down because she was going to focus on me (when after the split weekend I convinced her to get back together with me and give us a fair go). 

However, things barely missed a beat with him until his contract ended at her company and he left to work at another place.

* During those 4-6 months while he was at the same company as her, they met daily and often multiple times each day for coffee together.

* They had lunch together a few times.

* She called him the day we returned from an overseas trip for my birthday... spent an entire hour on the phone to him on her drive home from work, then of course finished up the call as she arrived home.

* Text messages continued and email filled the void of day time chatter while they worked out and re-instated the office communicator capability at his new place of employment.
This went on until November, which is when I finally found the smoking gun that proved that something was going on with some guy and that's pretty much all I had.

She had deleted the SMS's between them, but she had forgot to delete the log's which showed there were a number of SMS's sent to a person, but she had for some reason felt the need to delete them and try and hide them. Unfortunately that left with me with nothing but a few months worth of recent logged sms's (all the phone would hold on to) but no actual content of the SMS's viewable. It also only showed me the last two months of the contact pattern. I suspect it was a lot more intense in the months prior though.

Office Communicator had not logged the conversations - they were irretrievable.

She had deleted all the emails except a few she missed and the work related and non out of scope discussion. It left me with nothing but a few flirty chats that had pet names and lots of "I miss your emoticons smiley faces etc" - she insists thats as flirty as it got, but admits there was a bit back and forth.... 

Words With Friends chat logs were deleted when she deleted their previous game history, in case I had found out. Gone for good.

This is all I had/have to go on. 
It was clearly an Emotional Affair at the least. The thing thats driving me nuckin futs is the not knowing what the real content of those communicator chats and sms's and phonecalls was. 

She claims they never discussed anything sexual and it was purely a friendship, that she admits was a bit intense and that's why she hid it from me. 

I counter that claim with the fact that she has many many male friends and she talks to them all a significant bit! So why was her communication with him worth hiding? I never stopped her or called her out on any of her male friends before, what makes her think I would have had a problem with this one? I mean, if the communication was so frequent that I questioned it, the best thing she could have done is show me the message threads and show me that there was nothing to concern about. 

To me, deleted communications are a sure sign that the content was not above board. But does anyone here see her argument here... is her excuse that "there was just so much communication, I knew it was wrong so I stupidly tried to hide it!" worth giving any weight to???

She claims they had made lose plans to catch up for a drink once or twice, but for various reasons those times never eventuated... once because she was sick and apparently stayed home in bed all day and the second time cos she was too buggered after a 20KM fun run she had been planning to catch up with him afterwards for a drink. I actually picked her up from This and she was with a friend who apparently was unaware of this guy and I therefore doubt they met up.

But who knows really... there were so many other opportunities I just never would have seen... and I was also interstate for a week or so every month during this time...

She admitted that he had sent her drunken SMS's once or twice that said "I love you" - but she says she never responded.

My question then is, what kind of self respecting male sends a girl he's never had any kind of sexual discussion or history with a stupid message like "I love you" ??? Most guys have a hard time saying stuff like that when they are married lol - but to try and imagine a guy who has never known anything except friendly, plutonic banter with is a bit beyond my BS scope.

The final kicker to the story is... when I found out, I gave the guy a quick phone call and introduced myself. I made it pretty clear that it was in his best interests to never contact my partner again. 

About 3 weeks ago, he messages her over Office Communicator!

Now, firstly, how did he get back on her office communicator contact list, given that I had made her delete him off it long ago (did she re-add him?) and secondly... it must have been a real great friendship to justify his decision to come back and re-engage the communication a full year later, especially after the discussion I last had with him. In my world... I would only do that if I had had an sexual history with someone that I felt like revisiting... but to warrant it for a uneventful friendship only relationship from a year past... doesn't add up entirely for me!

So... I know I said I was going to make this brief... and I failed... but anyone who's still reading - What is your opinion of this - was it an EA only or am I not alone in thinking that this more than likely got physical at some point/s???


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

I think it's fairly likely that it did not get physical. Who cares about that though? If it was truly an emotional affair, most think that's worse.

Drunken texts? Anything is possible. Considering everything else that's going on, that's the least of your worries.

The whole EA thing is a little bit lost on me but this guy was clearly filling some sort of void in her life - emotionally. Most people on this board would absolutely say that it was an emotional affair.

The bigger issue to me is that your boundaries are completely different. It sounds like she is in touch with lots of other men pretty regularly and it sounds as if you are uncomfortable with it. You really need to square this before you get married because it is not likely to stop. The contact with other men will cause you no end of grief when you are married. Square that away now.

Keep in mind that her occupation is one that is DOMINATED by men - she has to interact with them all day long. She likely sees nothing wrong with her behavior because they are her work-buddies (who happen to be men). Most people on this board will call BS on that as well but in her mind, it's a reality that you have to deal with.

The bottom line is that you need to resolve this by agreeing to distinct boundaries BEFORE you say, "I do." You might consider delaying the wedding if you can't - yep, this is a big deal.

Good luck


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

IMHO, erasing text messages and lying to you is reason enough to assume the worst. She knows how to cover her tracks but has made a few mistakes and luckily you caught on to it. She wont tell you more then you can prove and she is not trustworthy because of her actions. If your not married to her I would not pursue a relationship any further with this women. There are plenty of other women to meet who is are worth your time and effort for a healthy relationship.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> it happened about 1 year ago now and we're getting married next month... and yes... I agree, not ideal and it sucks going into a marriage with this in the back of my mind every day.


You are crazy if you get married under these circumstances.

You have legitimate concerns about whether she cheated on you.

Why marry someone who you suspect has cheated on you?

Sounds like they were f-buddies and the lines got blurred. If she hid the texts, you must assume there was something to hide.

At what point did you get engaged - before, during or after her affair? Were you living with her when all this went on?

Why are you even engaged with all of these doubts that she has not been able to alleviate? Do you think she is "in love" with you, or just "in love" with the idea of getting married? Getting married, planning an elaborate wedding where she will be the center of attention for months on end, is a very powerful emotional event for a young woman. It is a fantasy many start planning for when they are young teenagers or even pre-teens. Sometimes I think the motivation to get married and fulfill that fantasy becomes the primary focus, overriding the fact that they really are not "in love" with the guy they are marrying. Do you think this could be the case with your fiance?

If I were in your position, there is no way I would go ahead with the wedding. NO WAY. There are too many unanswered questions and doubts.

If you want to go through with this wedding, ask her to take a polygraph. Explain to her what your doubts are about her story. Explain that her answers to your doubts so far have done nothing to alleviate them. Questions for her: 1. Did you have sex with him? 2. Did you tell him you love him? 3. Did you exchange sexual messages with him?

Me, personally, if I had to polygraph my fiance, I would just drop it and move on rather than go through with a polygraph. That's not the feeling I would want to start off my married life. I also wouldn't want to just rug-sweep my legitimate concerns with her faithfulness and honesty. Maybe you feel that you have a lot of time invested and you don't want to throw it away without definitive proof. What you don't realize is that you have proof enough. She admits that what she was doing was over the top and inappropriate and that she lied to you about it and hid it from you.


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlphaHalf said:


> IMHO, erasing text messages and lying to you is reason enough to assume the worst. She knows how to cover her tracks but has made a few mistakes and luckily you caught on to it. She wont tell you more then you can prove and she is not trustworthy because of her actions. If your not married to her I would not pursue a relationship any further with this women. There are plenty of other women to meet who is are worth your time and effort for a healthy relationship.


Yeh, normally I would 100% agree with you... but I am sure that I want to be with this girl, we've known eachother since we were 12 and we have a long and generally very good history together... its worth a shot and despite the fact we haven't really been around eachother enough as we grew up (we lived 1000km apart) to be able to truely know what eachother are like in this area of life we call cheating and relationships, I am confident I want to at least give this a red hot go and give her the benefit of the doubt that this was a one off and out of character... 

That said, the reason I want to know the truth of what went on with this is not because if she has physically cheated anything would change. I wouldn't call it off and I wouldn't walk away. It happened, its (i think) over and we might be forever happy moving forward (as long as I can keep my paranoia in check until my confidence again grows!)...

The reason I want to know the truth of the whole details is because I want to know what I am getting into here... its too late to call off a wedding thats 3 weeks away, cost nearly 50K and has been 18 years in the making... if I wanted to do that, I should have called it off a year ago and cut my losses then, before I ****ed everyone else around and embarrassed many people, including myself.

I want to know if she ****ed him, because I need to know that she is indeed capable of that and that its something I need to be aware of. 

I want to know if anything physical happened because I want to know that the person I am going into life with is a liar who has been proven as the type of liar who will also maintain the story until every brick of her wall of excuses has fallen and to know that I should be aware of that when I need to give her the benefit of the doubt any time again in the future.

I need to know that she lives by the saying "De Nile isn't just a river in Eygypt... and that her word is not dependable and that I am justified and completely within reason for staying on Defqon 2 status. Keeping the ears to the ground and maintaining some kind of check on things discreetly moves away from being jealous paranoia at that point and becomes a reasonable approach... 

At some point, you must move on and get back on the horse...if thats what you chose to do. Don't ever forgive and don't ever forget though - because they generally have a way of kicking you in the teeth twice as hard second time round 

BE ALERT, NOT ALARMED


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

And on the flip side of the coin, if she was somehow able to retrieve and show me the missing content and verify her story, it would do a lot of positive toward redeeming her too... so it goes both ways... I am assuming the worst because you can't be let down if you don't hope for the best.

Back to thread topic and reason though, opinions on whether you all think this went physical or not would be appreciated... it would help put this in perspective for me if I'm over reacting and it would conversely help validate my ongoing approach if you feel I'm right  thanks


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



Will_Kane said:


> Sounds like they were f-buddies and the lines got blurred. If she hid the texts, you must assume there was something to hide.
> 
> At what point did you get engaged - before, during or after her affair? Were you living with her when all this went on?


sorry responding bit by bit..

They didn't know eachother prior to the month they first met at work before this went sideways... i know this because she only just returned to work after travelling around the world for a year, where her and I began this... so they wern't **** buddies before this, and I dont think the sex came before the "relationship" with this one... if it has occured, it has definately flowed on from the blossoming EA... whether that has happened in a matter of weeks or over a number of months I can't say...

We got engaged 3 months after I found out... I have a rather annoying emotional mechanism that makes me think I am over stuff that I sometime down the track suddenly feel the hit... delayed reaction.

For what its worth as a side note, I found out 2 years into being in a relationship with and one year into living with my ex girlfriend that she was an escort/prostitute... so after somthing like that happens, things like this tend to have a slightly lesser or different effect... thats my theory at least lol


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> we've known eachother since we were 12
> 
> its too late to call off a wedding thats 3 weeks away, cost nearly 50K and has been 18 years in the making...


That's what I suspected. It seems the wedding itself is more important than the person you're marrying. From my point of view, the big elaborate wedding party you're planning will be over in 4-6 hours, maybe you'll even make a weedend of it. Then you have to live with each other for the rest of your life.

It is mind-boggling to me that you are willing to make a life-long commitment to someone regardless of whether or not she is a liar or a cheater - as long as you know that if she is a liar and a cheater up front, and you know you will have to keep a closer eye on her after you are married, it is OK with you. Do you know how odd that sounds?


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



rfAlaska said:


> I think it's fairly likely that it did not get physical. Who cares about that though? If it was truly an emotional affair, most think that's worse.
> 
> Drunken texts? Anything is possible. Considering everything else that's going on, that's the least of your worries.
> 
> ...


I'm totally confident that the other guys she's in contact with are harmless for the most part. They're long term friends who are married to her good female friends and the only exception to this is the group of guys she works with (in a male dominated environment) - and since going through her communications with them as I raked through looking for evidence of this EA, I have brought to her attention that some boundaries need to be laid down and what she is writing off as friendly banter with work collegues can easily be mistaken as flirting and interest... especially when she is a young and quite attractive little nerd girl in a room full of guys that never leave the bowels of a dark cold server room, except to smoke a cigarette and make a coffee hahaha 

(sorry having a bit of a dig on the nerds here arnt i.. sorry!)


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



Will_Kane said:


> That's what I suspected. It seems the wedding itself is more important than the person you're marrying. From my point of view, the big elaborate wedding party you're planning will be over in 4-6 hours, maybe you'll even make a weedend of it. Then you have to live with each other for the rest of your life.
> 
> It is mind-boggling to me that you are willing to make a life-long commitment to someone regardless of whether or not she is a liar or a cheater - as long as you know that if she is a liar and a cheater up front, and you know you will have to keep a closer eye on her after you are married, it is OK with you. Do you know how odd that sounds?


Yeh, again... your not wrong... I totally know that what your saying is correct and that in an ideal world full of carebares, we could all make the rational and cut and dry decisions like this before it gets to this stage, or even at this stage... but I'm a victim of the rosey coloured glasses like many of us... and all I can offer as my "exit strategy" now is some words of wisdom from the gospel of Charlie Sheen...

"Give this whole moral life, marriage thing and family thing a red hot go... its an experience that should be an amazing and enjoyable and gainful part of your life... but if it goes tits up, then coke and hookers cost less than multiple divorces and if you aint cut out for the married life and moral path, then you might as well enjoy a bunch of different porn stars.."


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

You're way toi beta on this, you keep this up and this marriage is dead before it even starts. 

You think you're helping or doing something good, your not. You basically just gave her a green light to cheat. 

Low boundaries isn't something you 'keep an eye on' Because whether you like it or not shes gonna be away from you and in the presence of well off men A LOT and shes gonna need to enforce her own boundaries. 

She can't, and she doesn't have an assertive willing to make her enforce them. 

This is trainwreck waiting to happen, and you're sitting on the tracks thinking the train will slow down in time. 

If you think her EA is bad, when married shes gonna get 10x worse with her affairs. 

So far, she had an affair, boyfriend didn't have the balls to lay down the law about it and still wants to marry her after rugsweeping it. You think thats attractive? You think she'll respect you for not standing up for yourself and the relationship? Not at all, and just setting a precedent in the future. 

You better wise up man. I'm telling you now you better wise the fvck up because you have no clue what kind of can of worms you're helping her open here. You have no idea how EAs and affairs in general work, and your wife is at the precipice of becoming a serial cheater in the future. (most of them thrive when they're in a competitive work field and have a docile husband)

You didn't even hold her accountable for the affair. All you basically said was to keep you 'in the loop' on her affairs. With this kind of stance I'm already seeing a guaranteed repeat affair in the future.

Currently your wife has no qualms about lying to her future husband and keeping secrets. That duplicity and that deceit is honestly the biggest problem here and you're not addressing it. And like I said that lying is only going to get 10x worse after marriage.

You need to read Not Just Friends and educate yourself on EAs, or in a few years shes going to be saying "I love you, but I'm not in love with you and want a separation/divorce."


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



2asdf2 said:


> You are focusing on the wrong thing.
> 
> It's not infidelity. You've already decided you're OK with that.
> 
> ...


Until she loses attraction with her beta male husband and is all over the alphas at her work place. 

With her low boundaries, it won't take long.


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



2asdf2 said:


> You are focusing on the wrong thing.
> 
> It's not infidelity. You've already decided you're OK with that.
> 
> ...


LoL errmmm yes... I kinda stepped right into that didn't I hehehe

I aren't at all ok with deceit, in fact that there is my biggest issue... I'm way past the point of sex being a true indicator of love... I long ago came to accept the strangely counterintuitive fact that just because someone makes a living providing sexual services, or staring in adult movies... or going home with someone from a bar, or enjoying a change of sexual scenery for a few nights of their life... it doesn't automatically mean that love or emotion is also involved.

I'm sure I am not the only person here who has had a no strings attached "friend with benefits" at some point in life... who I truely felt zero love or significant care for outside of our arrangement... it was just sex.

So its not unreasonable to apply a similar lack of meaning to the a broad part of the sexual experience.... (and yes, I know, I know, lots of people make love and feel all magical and stuff about sex... but its just not me)

The actual act of sex is in most cases just an act of physical gratification - and I think this could be said for a lot of "secret flings" and "Short Term Affairs" - the excitement and physical gratification of the act often holds more weight than any kind of real emotion and meaning involved.

Deception however is calculated. Its ongoing and its a significant indication of a major lack of respect and care for others, with strangely psychopathic traits IMO... the ability to completely dismiss the knowledge that you're knowingly lying to someones face and living a double life is a far bigger problem than someone having a meaningless fling... conversely though, by having that meaningless fling, they are crossing the deception line, which is where the hurt comes in.

So to prove my point, if someone was single and unattatched however when they had that meaningless fling, then there's no problem and no one at fault... the sex means nothing, the lies and deception mean everything..


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



Kasler said:


> You didn't even hold her accountable for the affair. All you basically said was to keep you 'in the loop' on her affairs. With this kind of stance I'm already seeing a guaranteed repeat affair in the future.


I think your misunderstanding me Kasler... No one said anything about asking anyone to so graciously "keep me in the loop" on her affairs... and if your suggesting that her genuine and healthy friendships with members of the opposite sex, who have been part of her group of friends for many many years is unhealthy or problematic, then I have to pull you up on and disagree with you on that... 

If she was hanging out with any one of them one on one a little too often, well that situation would be addressed appropriately - but just having genuine friends of the opposite sex doesn't at all require restriction - that's overbearing and controlling and not at all healthy...

If a particular person suddenly appeared in ones life and began to rapidly gain their attention and time at an inappropriate manner, then it would be addressed accordingly. That's a normal response and way of dealing with things... telling your partner they can't have friends and not allowing them the respect of being treated like an adult who has a life is not.


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

Kasler: 

I appreciate your input on this, but I think your missing the point... I stepped in and took appropriate action when the EA was discovered. Its unfortunate that it occurred at all, but I am pretty confident that it is history now. 

I made the personal choice based on what facts I have at hand to continue the relationship with my partner, factoring in many things on my decision including my ability to keep my eyes peeled and ears to the ground if it should ever be required, with the confident knowledge that I know that she employed her significant IT knowledge to destroy what evidence remained and generally took advantage of her highly secure work environment to keep things out of reach. 

I am however significantly more capable than most when it comes to my ability to get into such systems and and secure devices - and I assure you that passwords and data encryption present a far lesser problem to me than general ignorance and desire to try and become a less bitter and more trusting person who believes the world isn't out to get me.

I also factored in my feelings for her - which I know are like nothing I have ever felt for anyone ever before - and I've had plenty of relationships before now. 

I factored in my assessment of the our life and her life as a whole. Is she a trashy street kid from a broken family who has grown up without the appreciation of a good stable family?? NO... she comes from a close knit family that demonstrates everthing a family should represent and those traits and values are instilled in her... even if she slipped up a bit... 

And thats the thing... we've all done it and we've all made mistakes that are out of character or less than representative of who we strive to be as a person, and whilst an EA at this stage sure as hell doesn't look great on the tally board, its not the end of the world and its not an automatic reason for dismissal.


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

The topic of the thread is "Given the facts of the case I've described, do you think this was an EA or do you think this became a PA" 

The reason for my request for other members input is so I can either lay to rest my ongoing hacking and surveillance campaign in the knowlege that most people think I am looking for something that isn't there, or I can continue in the comfort of knowing I'm not chasing my tail.

The result of finding out the facts and evidence that I have probably lost due to my impatience when I confronted is not to decide whether I am going to remain with her, its to gain a more accurate picture of the person I am entering into a lifelong relationship with and to use that knowledge to maintain a better lookout in future as well as decide how I will deal with or approach any issues of trust or deceptive behavior in the future, which will hopefully benefit our relationship.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> I think your misunderstanding me Kasler... No one said anything about asking anyone to so graciously "keep me in the loop" on her affairs... and if your suggesting that her genuine and healthy friendships with members of the opposite sex, who have been part of her group of friends for many many years is unhealthy or problematic, then I have to pull you up on and disagree with you on that...
> 
> If she was hanging out with any one of them one on one a little too often, well that situation would be addressed appropriately - but just having genuine friends of the opposite sex doesn't at all require restriction - that's overbearing and controlling and not at all healthy...
> 
> If a particular person suddenly appeared in ones life and began to rapidly gain their attention and time at an inappropriate manner, then it would be addressed accordingly. That's a normal response and way of dealing with things... telling your partner they can't have friends and not allowing them the respect of being treated like an adult who has a life is not.


What are you talking about? You sure as hell didn't address anything when she was doing that with her EA partner.

You put a stop to nothing, only thing that did stop the EA was OM moving away. 

I highly doubt you'd do much of anything differently if she got into another EA/PA.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



> She admitted that he had sent her drunken SMS's once or twice that said "I love you" - but she says she never responded.


 She knows he has feelings for her and she didn't set him straight that she's in a relationship????? And Told you she didn't respond like that's a favor to you.

She is in denial and lying to you. You know this. Your fiance is being deceitful with another man. She values the other mans "friendship" more then you by lying and hiding her actions. You know this. It doesn't matter who she was 15, 8, 3,or 1 year ago, It matters who and what she is doing to you today. And that's a liar who is hiding her inappropriate contact with her "friend". Just "friends" don't go through all the measures to hide their contact. Actions speak louder then words. She has flipped for a guy she just met in a short time, now what's going to happen with further contact?? More lies, More denial, More rug sweeping, More investigative work from you. Every issue will magnify when married/kids get involved. 

50K for the wedding? How much will you lose if you marry, buy a house, have kids and find out she had or continued to have a physical affair with this "friend". Call it off and explain why. See her reactions, and tell her you don't trust her because of her behavior. If you still going to marry her then get a prenup to protect yourself in case of infidelity because she has already landed on first base.(that you know of) I can see it now. After work get get together for drinks, she has a little to much to drink and they kiss, yada yada yada. *You* feel this marriage is destined to be,but does she feel that way? Because her actions sure as Hell isn't showing it. She is already cake eating. 

Have you read the other posts about EA's on this board???? You need to read more into it and learn from their experiences.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



> The final kicker to the story is... when I found out, I gave the guy a quick phone call and introduced myself. I made it pretty clear that it was in his best interests to never contact my partner again.
> 
> About 3 weeks ago, he messages her over Office Communicator!


Direct challenge to the pride lion... Time to chew his spine...




> My mind runs away with me and I can't let go of it, despite the fact it happened about 1 year ago now and we're getting married next month...


What? Are you seriously going to do that? Holy cow... So you're going to sign a legally binding contract tying yourself to a woman who displays this kind of behavior?



> and if your suggesting that her genuine and healthy friendships with members of the opposite sex, who have been part of her group of friends for many many years is unhealthy or problematic, then I have to pull you up on and disagree with you on that...


Yeah... Right... Because you have a huge moral mountain to stand on right now over that subject of "healthy" opposite sex friendships. Why are you here again?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

I wouldn't marry this woman even if it was not physical. She was meticulous in her methods and not leaving any evidence around. She did not confess beyond what you found. I cannot trust such a woman with the rest of my life. 

50K is much cheaper than divorce. 

tell us a bit about your dating history with her. You knew her from 12 ? This might be something to do with her behavior


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



> I factored in my assessment of the our life and her life as a whole. Is she a trashy street kid from a broken family who has grown up without the appreciation of a good stable family?? NO... she comes from a close knit family that demonstrates everthing a family should represent and those traits and values are instilled in her... even if she slipped up a bit...


If only this argument was right...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

What happens five yrs from now when you've got a kid, she's in the doldrums and out of the blue Prince Charming Pops by "just to say HI" THIS scenario is the one thats going to make you rememer the things that are said today on this thread.


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



walkonmars said:


> What happens five yrs from now when you've got a kid, she's in the doldrums and out of the blue Prince Charming Pops by "just to say HI" THIS scenario is the one thats going to make you rememer the things that are said today on this thread.





warlock07 said:


> 50K is much cheaper than divorce.


And hiring a backhoe to dig a 6FT hole in the bush is even cheaper... 

:smthumbup:


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## AlertnotAlarmed (Oct 29, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



Satya said:


> Spend an entire day reading as many posts on the infidelity board as you can, because I have this funny feeling that if you marry we'll see you back here in a few months.
> 
> Sorry to sound like a negative downer, but you are definitely being beta about this and it's painful to see. You need to look at this from 50k feet. Good luck and listen to the advice here.


Cheers Sataya...

The irony of the fact I am posting about this on here is that I also harbor a bit of a perception that there are a number of people on these forums who are heartbroken for life love haters who have a chip on their shoulder... there are many people here with far too many posts and lots of rather bent advice who are quite obviously damaged goods who never left this place once they found it... 

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people on here with great advice and helpful tips to share - but there are also those who remind me of the bitter old lady in the Southpark episode parodying "Great Expectations" who had her heartbroken and never got over it.

If anyone needs me to point out an example of this extremism I can do that too...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> Cheers Sataya...
> 
> The irony of the fact I am posting about this on here is that I also harbor a bit of a perception that there are a number of people on these forums who are heartbroken for life love haters who have a chip on their shoulder... there are many people here with far too many posts and lots of rather bent advice who are quite obviously damaged goods who never left this place once they found it...
> 
> ...


Not really. It may seem that way to you, but your head is somewhat far in the sand.

You call it bitter, others call it realistic. 

With you being on this forum, you obviously and rightly so have doubts. The fact that you're willing to sweep them under the rug and marry her anyways is whats very troubling. 

Trust me, these 'bitter' people, they know the score, they know the cheaters script. 

So many betrayed spouses like their situation is so unique, so different. Nearly all the time, its not. 

Different movie, same script.

The Pulling away, cellphone getting passworded and never leaves his/her side, hundreds of texts, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, etc. all the same. 

We're trying to warn you cause you seem blissfully unaware of the staggering damage an EA can do. Until this is ironed out, please don't marry her. 

You're treating the EA like its a slight drizzle on an otherwise good day, when its really storm clouds brewing with you in a hot air balloon. 

This is potentially your life partner, for you to make this commitment you need to be 100% sure that you are confident in being with her, but also 100% sure she is confident in being with you. The guy getting coldfeet on his wedding day or the woman crying in a room behind the church's foyer happens much more often than you might think. You may want to be with her 100%, but all that emotion is worthless if it isn't returned in kind. 

I'll give you an example of just that. 

I thought I had the world all figured out. Beautiful and loving fiancee, just bought a new house and buying furniture. I'm thinking about names for our children in the future. 

I could already envision our life together, until one night I woke up late at night and saw her from the bedroom window in her car at 2:00am with a cell phone.

Thought maybe she left her phone in her car... too bad her cellphone on my plan was lying on the nightstand a few feet away. 

^ Its pretty obvious what that spells out.

I had no idea. All the signs I mentioned before, some of them were there, but not in bulk and I was oblivious to the few signs. 

I'm not gonna make this long, but in short I broke up with her after a lot of hell, and am currently with a wonderful woman and there are no secrets in the relationship. 

You really need to focus on how easily and how methodically she cheated on you emotionally and covered her tracks. 

That is a bad sign foretelling duplicity. 

So until you have that completely sorted, do not marry her. 

People think marriage fixes problems in a relationship, when in reality it makes them worse if left unchecked before matrimony.

Please educate yourself on what an EA entails. You should be able to find a PDF version of 'Not Just Friend's on the internet somewhere for free. 

It will be mindblowing.

No one is saying go Stalin on her, but these issues need to be addressed, NOW or the foundation of your marriage will be compromised from the beginning.

If you want a healthy marriage with her, this is in your best interest. 

There can be no lies, no duplicity, and no keeping secrets from one's husband/wife. 

And theres a big difference between privacy and secrecy.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> Cheers Sataya...
> 
> The irony of the fact I am posting about this on here is that I also harbor a bit of a perception that there are a number of people on these forums who are heartbroken for life love haters who have a chip on their shoulder... there are many people here with far too many posts and lots of rather bent advice who are quite obviously damaged goods who never left this place once they found it...
> 
> ...


Now that was some weak sh!t... I've not been cheated on and my relationship is working great and i like this forum. Specially like it when some guy who is been having some marriage/relationship trouble comes here and listens to what he doesn't want to listen and then rants about how people here are all damaged and biased...

This would be fun to me, if it was not tragic, because then i get to see the same guys return some time later with the "you were right" sign hanging from their necks.

You know why many people here are hard on you? Because they care. Because they WERE you. And some even got told the same stuff, ignored it and then it blew up in their face. Others wished they had someone to tell them this. They aren't being cruel on you. They are trying to help you. 

And you should hear, because it is very much possible that they care more about you right now than the woman you're dealing with.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

get an iron clad prenup if you getting married anyway


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> Cheers Sataya...
> 
> The irony of the fact I am posting about this on here is that I also harbor a bit of a perception that there are a number of people on these forums who are heartbroken for life love haters who have a chip on their shoulder... there are many people here with far too many posts and lots of rather bent advice who are quite obviously damaged goods who never left this place once they found it...
> 
> ...


Sigh People here are trying to save you from years of regret atleast. I am around 2 years out of d after she left for om who later cheated on her but anyway started dating a few months ago and my daughter and I get along great but it was ayear plus of hell. do you really want to be a warden for the rest of your life wondering who she is corresponding with? You found this place for a reason because deep down you can't trust her!


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

Now this is interesting ...................

" I also harbor a bit of a perception that there are a number of people on these forums who are heartbroken for life love haters who have a chip on their shoulder... there are many people here with far too many posts and lots of rather bent advice who are quite obviously damaged goods who never left this place once they found it... "

................ Apparently deceit goes both ways


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

She lied multiple times and she is a computer savy.

She was/is in a deep emotional affair at the least. You do not tell us enough to make the call if it went physical. Did she have unexplained disappearances? Did she go out on an "errand" that took longer than it should have. Was she late getting home from a "run". Did she have GNO where she claimed she got a little drunk and stayed over at a "friends" place?

You need to go old school. Get two VARs and put one in her car. You can have one there while listening to the other. If she is still in contact with him, the wedding has to be put on hold. Do it now. You have little time left. As much as you want her, if she is still contacting this guy in any way, your marriage will be based on lies and it will be over before it starts.

And yes - for him to contact her on Office Communicator she had to add him to the list of contacts. RED FLAG for continued communication. She probably never stopped. She just is really good at hiding it.

Do the VAR. NOW.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

Bitter??? You know what. You have nothing to worry about. Not at all. Marry her and enjoy life. Good Luck to you.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *

^ I know alphahalf but don't be like that. 

Few people can realistically ingest much of what this means. 

He wants to be married badly so take into consideration that hes going to look the other way on a lot of things and hope for the best. 

Various people have said their piece and given him good advice. 

Hope he takes, but if he doesn't, ah well.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

*Re: Partners "EA" - I confronted and lost the chance to get the real answers *



AlertnotAlarmed said:


> Hi all,
> I will keep the facts of this brief as I am not looking for a shoulder to cry on, just wanting to get other peoples take on this to I guess verify that I'm not out of line here...
> 
> Partner had what evidence can only prove to have been an emotional affair.
> ...


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