# My wife cheated on me for 3.5 years



## Cradleoffilth75

On the 8 April 2017 I found out that my wife was having an affair. 
My wife had gone to bed and I was down stairs finishing my beer off. I went up stairs about 45 mins later to go to bed. I saw that my wife was watching a program on her mobile phone, but she had fallen asleep. So I went to turn off her phone and a what's app message came up on the screen, with just 'xxx' on it! Immediately my heart sank and I just knew what was happening. So I looked at her phone in the next door bedroom and open a whole world of ****!
Messages after messages between her and this other man, soul destroying! Also found messages between my wife and her friend. So I took loads of ss of the messages for evidence. I went outside to drink loads of beer and a big fat Cuban cigar to get my head around the situation. At about 0430 my wife comes out to say what the hell was I doing outside, and I said nothing, little be known to me she had looked at her notifications on her phone and the messages were already open, so she knew straight away!!!
The next day was v awkward for both of us, both not knowing that we both knew. When my son went to bed and after an hour when he went to sleep, my wife just said "so how much do you know?" I think you can all guess what happened then!
It's been 2 months now and I've decided to give the marriage another go as does my wife and things have been going great. I'm in the Army and have been away from home for 1 week out of 2, and I'm now starting how am I going to forgive her. **** going through my head is mental. I so want to have sex with her but it disgusts me that someone else has been there. We have started marriage guidence and will have our 2 session on Monday. I'm so confused ATM and don't know which way to turn. We have been together for 18 years, married for 14 and have a 7yo son.


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## eric1

'Well how much do you know' - what did you say?

Is her boyfriend married?


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## Cradleoffilth75

eric1 said:


> 'Well how much do you know' - what did you say?
> 
> Is her boyfriend married?


He boyfriend is married. The relationship had come to an end as he would not leave his wife for mine, says a lot about him. The problem is that my wife works in the same building as him!


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## dawnabon

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> He boyfriend is married. The relationship had come to an end as he would not leave his wife for mine, says a lot about him. The problem is that my wife works in the same building as him!


Has she offered to find a new job? 

Have you told the OM wife? 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Cradleoffilth75

dawnabon said:


> Has she offered to find a new job?
> 
> Have you told the OM wife?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


She is looking for another job ATM.
I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!


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## Stang197

She has to find a new job bro. You have to tell the wife. The marriage has to be better for a long time. Then maybe you could forgive. As far as the mind games go. You just have to learn to deal with it. No magic bullet for that. 
I felt like I had to cheat back. Didn't help much. She stuck it out through that. This included a pregnancy scare from the other women. That did help me forgive. 
So sorry your here. This will be a hard road for you.


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## MattMatt

@Cradleoffilth75 so sorry you had to seek us out, but pleased you found us.

You will need to ask your wife about a DNA test on your child.

And a polygraph session using the three questions used by the Jeremy Kyle Show:-

1) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you passionately kissed another person?
2) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you had any sexual contact with another person other than the one person he knows about?
3) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you ever had sexual intercourse with another person other than the one person he knows about?

Counselling, both individual and as a couple is worth investigating.


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## MattMatt

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She is looking for another job ATM.
> I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!


Should he put the images on social media he is looking at jail time.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> He boyfriend is married. The relationship had come to an end as he would not leave his wife for mine, says a lot about him. The problem is that my wife works in the same building as him!


What makes you think think the affair has ended? Because she told you? And in fact if the affair has indeed ended because he would not leave his wife does that not imply your wife was ready to run away with him and leave you? You ok with being plan B?


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## Marc878

> She is looking for another job ATM.
> I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. *The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!*


Nope, you don't know what you're dealing with. Other man and your wife will take your lack of actions as a sign of weakness and keep on banging her at will. 

Affairs are addictions you get the addict around the source you get relapse. The affair will continue. Just because you found out doesn't mean a thing.

Helping them hide their affair will just enable it further. I've seen this played before and the betrayed always ends up getting burned. Just as you're going to.

At this time your fear is defining you.


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## GusPolinski

A few things...

1. Expose the affair to OM's wife ASAP. Doing this will significantly increase your chances of squashing the affair. Plus she has the right to know.

2. Take this as Gospel: for as long as they're working together (or in the same building or whatever), the affair is still on. She gets a new job -- and ASAP -- or you file for divorce.

3. She goes 100% no contact with OM -- immediately and permanently -- or you file for divorce.

4. DNA your kid -- the affair may have been going on for much longer than 3.5 years. Also, this might not be her first affair.

5. Get your hands on as much evidence (back up her phone and extract texts, etc) as you can get and back it up in a couple of different cloud locations.

6. All ^this^ aside, given that your wife was actively trying to get this POS to leave his wife for her, you might as well just go ahead and file.

7. If OM posts nudes of your wife anywhere, he'll be committing not only a civil offense, but a criminal offense as well, so don't let that threat keep you from doing the right thing.


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## honcho

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She is looking for another job ATM.
> I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!


Your gone too much with your military duties to not tell the om wife. Affairs also have a nasty habit of starting up again. Your much better off having two sets of eyes watching than just yours. She also deserves to know, how would you feel if you found out that people knew what was going on but didn't tell you? The om has pictures of your wife, it sounds harsh but if he sends them to people she is the one who took that risk sending them, your trying to protect her "honor" when she tossed it away.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Seriously , you are gone every other week. There is nothing stopping your wife from seeing him. She has already shown you she is a cheater and by definition that makes her a liar. You would still have no idea what was going if she had not left her phone be unguarded. Inform his wife discretely as to what happened so she can watch him and see if they are still carrying on.


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## GusPolinski

Marc878 said:


> Nope, you don't know what you're dealing with. Other man and your wife will take your lack of actions as a sign of weakness and keep on banging her at will.
> 
> Affairs are addictions you get the addict around the source you get relapse. The affair will continue. Just because you found out doesn't mean a thing.
> 
> Helping them hide their affair will just enable it further. I've seen this played before and the betrayed always ends up getting burned. Just as you're going to.
> 
> At this time your fear is defining you.


Yep.


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## GusPolinski

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Seriously , you are gone every other week. There is nothing stopping your wife from seeing him. She has already shown you she is a cheater and by definition that makes her a liar. You would still have no idea what was going if she had not left her phone be unguarded. Inform his wife discretely as to what happened so she can watch him and see if they are still carrying on.


Yep again.

I wouldn't bother with discretion, though. Call her tomorrow and tell her.

Do it in front of your wife, but don't let her know who you're calling until you're on the phone with her.


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## Cradleoffilth75

MattMatt said:


> @Cradleoffilth75 so sorry you had to seek us out, but pleased you found us.
> 
> You will need to ask your wife about a DNA test on your child.
> 
> And a polygraph session using the three questions used by the Jeremy Kyle Show:-
> 
> 1) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you passionately kissed another person?
> 2) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you had any sexual contact with another person other than the one person he knows about?
> 3) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you ever had sexual intercourse with another person other than the one person he knows about?
> 
> Counselling, both individual and as a couple is worth investigating.


I can tell you that I have been 100% faithful to my wife throughout the whole of my relationship with my wife. I admit that last year I had sex handed to me on a plate whilst I was drunk and I said "no thanks I'm a married man" so cheating when you have had a few beers is a cop out! Marriage for me is about being with one person! 
I can guarantee that my son is mine


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## Marc878

I would bet at this time any good advice will not do you any good because you think you've got this all figured out.

Nothing special here just a typical workplace affair of which we've seen many.

How many affairs have you seen and dealt with?

I'd bet none. Yet you think you've got this all figured out but you'd be wrong.

*You are already in the betrayed spouse syndrome.*
Hiding their affair, affraid to tell her to quit her job, thinking that since you know it'll end, letting your fear of what her long term boyfriend might do control you, taking no actions other than talk.

You are about to learn the hard way but no one can tell you anything at this time.

This is typical too. Seen it many times before.

Good luck. You're going to need it


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

I mentioned discretely to catch her in a lie. But Gus is right. Just blow it up. If they have been together recently their stories will not match up when you surprise them.


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## GusPolinski

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> I mentioned discretely to catch her in a lie. But Gus is right. Just blow it up. If they have been together recently their stories will not match up when you surprise them.


Word.

OP found out two months ago and has been away from home half of the time since then.

There's _no way_ they're not still banging.

Sorry, but there's no way they just dropped a 3 1/2 year relationship just because OP found out.

Why would they? He's the only (new) person that knows, and he's gone half the time. Functionally speaking, he's not done anything about it.

Want more eyes on this thing, OP?

Expose to his wife.

Oh, and the friend that knew about the affair? She's gotta be gone too. She's no friend to your marriage.


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## Cradleoffilth75

GusPolinski said:


> Word.
> 
> OP found out two months ago and has been away from home half of the time since then.
> 
> There's _no way_ they're not still banging.
> 
> Sorry, but there's no way they just dropped a 3 1/2 year relationship just because OP found out.
> 
> Why would they? He's the only (new) person that knows, and he's gone half the time. Functionally speaking, he's not done anything about it.
> 
> Want more eyes on this thing, OP?
> 
> Expose to his wife.
> 
> Oh, and the friend that knew about the affair? She's gotta be gone too. She's no friend to your marriage.


Since I've found out 2 months ago, I've only been away a week, but I'm away for another week, so only 2. Weeks away in total. 
I might see my boss and see if I can get home for a day to maybe catch them at it, if that is still going on. If anything I can be at home when she gets in from work and check her phone. 
My son was conceived when I was in the north of England 8 years ago, I now live in the south of England, so it won't be with the same man in question.


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## eric1

Do not let your wife know ahead of time that you are exposing. She will just warn her boyfriend


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## Cradleoffilth75

eric1 said:


> Do not let your wife know ahead of time that you are exposing. She will just warn her boyfriend


I would never do that


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## Marc878

Don't be surprised if you find out this isn't The first


Smells like the tip of the iceberg


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## Cradleoffilth75

Marc878 said:


> Don't be surprised if you find out this isn't The first
> 
> 
> Smells like the tip of the iceberg


If it isn't the first then it's a very simple action, she will be gone in a blink of an eye!


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## MattMatt

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I can tell you that I have been 100% faithful to my wife throughout the whole of my relationship with my wife. I admit that last year I had sex handed to me on a plate whilst I was drunk and I said "no thanks I'm a married man" so cheating when you have had a few beers is a cop out! Marriage for me is about being with one person!
> I can guarantee that my son is mine


Yes. But! The very fact that you ask your wife that makes het realise what she has done, damaged your trust in her.


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## Marc878

If they work together youll find cheaters are ingenious at finding places/ways to have sex.

Locked offices, broom closets, cars in parking lots. After 3.5 years your wife is an expert.

99% chance they've desecrated your marital bed as well. It's a cheater favorite.


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## harrybrown

She also had the best sex of her life with him.

Did you have her tested for stds?

She probably had another man with him for a threesome.

File for D.

Take her over to his house. She can live with him now. that is a very long A.

She loves him. and not you. File for D. EXpose expose and then expose some more.


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## jsmart

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She is looking for another job ATM.
> I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!


You're mistaken on so many levels. 1st of all the affair is still on. A 3.5 year affair doesn't end on the dime, especially since they work together. 

If you would read the threads, you would see that having sex in a car on lunch break is so common. Yes, it's hard to believe your wife and mother of your child would do something like that but WW are willing to do MANY things for their OM that they won't do for their husband.

Exposing OM to his wife is the best way to end the affair. He will throw your wife under the bus in order to save his marriage. 

Most WH, just want the hot sex but never stop loving their wife. His wife is still number one in his heart. It's the complete opposite for most WW. They replace their husband in their heart, mind, and of course body. That's why many times they stop having sex or even kissing or hugging because it feels like she's cheating on her real man. There are exceptions to this trend but that's how it goes down the majority of the time.

By not taking a hard line, you're emboldening OM to keep going and your weakness is further sickening your wife. 

I know you feel like you want to R because of your 7 year old daughter but have you really thought it through. An affair of 3.5 years is a long time. That is a lot of lying. Thin about it, your daughter was 3 years old when she's sneaking around screwing this guy. Probably brought him to the marital bed when daughter was asleep and you were away on business.

With a long term affair like this, you would best be served by having her served at work, exposing to her family, and to OM's wife all on the same day, ala Shock and Awe. 

You can call it off down th road if she truly changes her tune. Her facing her co-workers stares, families disgust, and having OM coldly cut her off will do a number on her. I've seen with my own eyes WW, who were the one wanting to leave the husband turn to sobbing mess when served at work.

The BHs who are bold, usually end up with a WW that is making moves to save the marriage, the ones who try to be understanding and nice their wife, end up with future Ddays due to WW taking it further underground. Women respond to strength and are repelled by weakness.


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## Cradleoffilth75

harrybrown said:


> She also had the best sex of her life with him.
> 
> Did you have her tested for stds?
> 
> She probably had another man with him for a threesome.
> 
> File for D.
> 
> Take her over to his house. She can live with him now. that is a very long A.
> 
> She loves him. and not you. File for D. EXpose expose and then expose some more.


Why would you even say such a thing, as in a three some, bloody troll


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## Kivlor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Why would you even say such a thing, as in a three some, bloody troll


Well, it's hard to think she loves you all that much if she was cheating on you for 3.5 years straight... Pretty easy to think she loves the other guy more, if she was hoping to get him to divorce his wife so they could be together.

I don't remember the laws on DNA testing your kids in UK, but I'm going to repeat what everyone else is saying: DNA the kid. Make sure. Just check the law first.

Don't have sex with her.
She's probably still cheating.
Contact her lover's Wife. Tell her everything. If you have proof, provide it.


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## Lostme

Sounds like you are letting her off the hooks to easy.


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## GusPolinski

Given that OP is in the UK, and especially considering everything that @SID SNOT has been dealing with after exposing his STBXW's affair, it's probably worth pointing out that any exposure here should be very measured, should not be in written format (no social media, no e-mail, text, handwritten or printed letter, etc), and should be done with as much tact as possible.

Sucks that you have to jump through those kinds of hoops, but hey -- it's Eurostan.


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## Herschel

This is why you can't reconcile most of the time. You have to either watch like a hawk or move on. If you want to monitor her, out cameras all over your house. Out keylogfera on the computer. Put audio recorders in her car. 

Or just gtfo.


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## drifting on

GusPolinski said:


> Given that OP is in the UK, and especially considering everything that @SiDSNOT has been dealing with after exposing his STBXW's affair, it's probably worth pointing out that any exposure here should be very measured, should not be in written format (no social media, no e-mail, text, handwritten or printed letter, etc), and should be done with as much tact as possible.
> 
> Sucks that you have to jump through those kinds of hoops, but hey -- it's Eurostan.





Maybe we can change the exposure so that the BS isn't the focus of the exposure. Let's just imagine for a few minutes here. What if a person down on his luck and without a home bought a burner phone. That burner phone finds its way into the hands of OP. OP, being an avid reader goes to a public library to utilize a computer. OP could get OM's phone number from his wife's phone. At the library a Facebook account is created by deleting one letter in OM's current Facebook name. Friend request OM's friends and OP's wife's friends. Go back to the library, post numerous texts that OP has screen shots of, and announce the affair. 

Wait a day and OP then goes to OM's work and blames him for the exposure. OP will know of the exposure by his wife coming in to scream at OP for exposing publicly. OP just denies this and says I have no idea what you are talking about. By confronting OM, OP's wife just may believe he didn't do it. You can also take the homeless person with you to the library to actually type it and then OP isn't even lying. Exposure happens just the same. You can then use the burner phone to taunt OM, make him nervous by saying Facebook was only the beginning of exposure.


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## Cradleoffilth75

That's sounds too CIA [email protected] for me mate


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## Stang197

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> That's sounds too CIA [email protected] for me mate



Maybe but the point everyone is trying to make is that exposure is one of the bare minimum that have to happen. Absolute necessity to end this and end it now. Then you can decide what is next. Anyway you cut it, you can't have this creep around your kid.


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## Cradleoffilth75

Stang197 said:


> Maybe but the point everyone is trying to make is that exposure is one of the bare minimum that have to happen. Absolute necessity to end this and end it now. Then you can decide what is next. Anyway you cut it, you can't have this creep around your kid.


But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


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## drifting on

Exposure kills affairs, I informed my wife's OM's BW. Best private eye I never hired, OM was too concerned with protecting his ass he barely spoke to my wife. I found out later OMW actually wanted OM to quit also. I heard this about a year after OM quit. If you are worried about Facebook, I can understand. However, if you use a public computer, you're chances of getting caught are very slim. In fact any good or halfway decent lawyer would show that anyone could have done it. If you really want to tie it back to OM use his phone number to tie it back to the Facebook account once you have created it. OM may get a message but it won't come back to you. You can expose without it ever being known it was you. By not exposing, and the **** test your wife gave you by asking what you know, you came across as weak. It's not too late to appear strong though. Just go home and ask your wife for her phone. Once she gives it to you tell her you are going to meet OMW to discuss the stories each of you have told. Watch the panic come rushing to her face as you walk out of the house. 

You have way more power then you think, are you strong enough to use it? That's the question Cradle, how will you end it?


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## drifting on

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.




Are you not sure she has stopped seeing him? Does she give you her phone? Is there a passcode on her phone? Will she open her work email for you to go through? Has she been everywhere she said she has? Do you know anyone she works with to verify your wife's answers? How close do your wife and OM work together? Any chance they can get privacy at work? Exactly what has she done to show you the affair is over? Will she get upset if you expose to OMW? That is the telling question, if she gets mad she's protecting OM over you.


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## Cradleoffilth75

drifting on said:


> Are you not sure she has stopped seeing him? Does she give you her phone? Is there a passcode on her phone? Will she open her work email for you to go through? Has she been everywhere she said she has? Do you know anyone she works with to verify your wife's answers? How close do your wife and OM work together? Any chance they can get privacy at work? Exactly what has she done to show you the affair is over? Will she get upset if you expose to OMW? That is the telling question, if she gets mad she's protecting OM over you.


TBH mate, idk. I'm so fing confused and had so much info thrown at me. I will have to process it all and make a decision. I've been awake all night, it's 0546 in the uk, not had a bloody wink of sleep


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## PreRaph

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


Wrong, wrong, wrong. Exposing will not cause her to go back to him. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Once blown open affairs lose their charm and the cheating spouses have to face the shame.

If you are afraid she'll go back to him then that proves exactly the point -- she loves him more than you.


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## Cradleoffilth75

PreRaph said:


> Wrong, wrong, wrong. Exposing will not cause her to go back to him. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Once blown open affairs lose their charm and the cheating spouses have to face the shame.
> 
> If you are afraid she'll go back to him then that proves exactly the point -- she loves him more than you.


The affair had been blown open, I know about it and all my family. I guess I don't want the fear of rejection again!


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## Stang197

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> PreRaph said:
> 
> 
> 
> Wrong, wrong, wrong. Exposing will not cause her to go back to him. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Once blown open affairs lose their charm and the cheating spouses have to face the shame.
> 
> If you are afraid she'll go back to him then that proves exactly the point -- she loves him more than you.
> 
> 
> 
> The affair had been blown open, I know about it and all my family. I guess I don't want the fear of rejection again!
Click to expand...

It's hard bro but you have to do this. If she leaves you for this than there it is. She put herself in this situation though. You have to do this. It is your best shot and the right thing to do.


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## eric1

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.




Do you want to be out of infidelity? Well then exposure or divorce are the next two paths to decide upon. Exposure to her boyfriend's spouse is the next step in exposure, and then at that point she or he needs to be leaving the job.

The choice is yours.


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## Mr Blunt

> *Originally Posted by Cradleoffilth75*
> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.
> 
> 
> The affair had been blown open, I know about it and all my family. I guess I don't want the fear of rejection again!


You are only 2 months from D-day and you are shell shocked! You are also in a hostage situation; you are compromising because you cannot take more of the rejection pain…*What you need is strong action by you so get all the help that you can so that you can take the right actions. Words and talk will not be enough to get on the right tract.*

Your wife has been having an emotional and sexual bond with this OM for 3.5 YEARS!...This bond is not going to be broken by you being timid and compromising…You are going to have to get rid of some of your fear so that you can follow a plan of R or D…There are tons of information on how to R or D but you have to be strong enough to follow through with the plan or you will become a door mat.

Your wife is much damaged and unless she starts taking very strong actions to help herself and the family she will drag you down and make you into an emotional cripple.

*You can get through this but you need the right help, plan, and you have to get stronger so that you take the right actions. Staying in a state of fear and compromising is very counterproductive to an R or a D.*


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## Dyokemm

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She is looking for another job ATM.
> I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!


This is NOT going to work to keep this POS away from your WW.

In fact, once he realizes you are not exposing him or really doing anything about the fact he was having sex with your WW for almost an entire U.S. Presidential term, he will figure he can continue to reach out to and pursue her with impunity.

Expose to his BW immediately.....give this dirtbag something else to worry about than trying to keep the A going with your WW.

His first reaction will most likely be to throw your WW under the bus in a pathetic attempt to save his own a** and M with his BW.....and your WW will have the unpleasant realization that, no matter all the crap he told her for 3.5 years, she was nothing other than his sex toy.....and THAT will hopefully kill any lingering feelings she has for this turd swiftly.

Exposure is to kill the A and make sure it stays dead.

I know you are thinking you will have this huge rock hanging over this guys head and will use it to control the situation.....but if you spend some time reading the countless threads on here, you will quickly see that the THREAT of exposure almost never works.


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## Cradleoffilth75

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> TBH mate, idk. I'm so fing confused and had so much info thrown at me. I will have to process it all and make a decision. I've been awake all night, it's 0546 in the uk, not had a bloody wink of sleep




They both work in different offices, all the offices are open plan with about 30 people in all the offices. I'm sure the only time they had together was at there lunch break which is an hour. She did tell me they had sex in a car once, but does have a very bad back, so I imagine that wouldn't work out that well. She did also say that she went on a business trip, but didn't if you know what I mean, hotel Room.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ABHale

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> He boyfriend is married. The relationship had come to an end as he would not leave his wife for mine, says a lot about him. The problem is that my wife works in the same building as him!


Wait! 

The relationship ended because He would not leave his wife for Your WIFE! 

It's says your wife was leaving you if the OM was going to leave his wife. 

Your wife was leaving you for her affair partner until he popped her bubble. 

Why are you still with a woman that is wanting out of the marriage?


----------



## ABHale

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


How will staying with a cheater effect him? He will know one day.


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## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


If that happens then she's already gone in every way that truly matters.


----------



## drifting on

Cradle

If the affair is ongoing, you have but one option, divorce. Reconciliation is a guaranteed failure if she is still in the affair. Let's just look at this in a perfect world, they work together, barely speak and have no lunches or time together. They are simply coworkers like you are at your employment. The fact that they see each other at all brings back every thought of the affair, all the good memories they share. Exposure kills that, eventually they are either together or become indifferent to each other. Just imagine how difficult it would be for both of they went to work and everyone knew of the affair. Both would walk with heads down in shame. But they don't, because of no exposure. 

Your wife working there keeps the affair going, ask her if you could have an affair then continue to work with your affair partner. A resounding hell no is what you would hear. Your finger is on the trigger, expose this affair to their HR. Expose to OMW so the OM is in damage control as your wife is. This OM invaded your marriage, your wife accepted his advances, now you stand firm and launch your attack of your own. If you want divorce or reconciliation you need to stand firm. Tell your wife today she puts in her notice to quit today. Tell her she has consequences to face and she will face them. She made a choice, now you are.


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## samyeagar

drifting on said:


> Cradle
> 
> If the affair is ongoing, you have but one option, divorce. Reconciliation is a guaranteed failure if she is still in the affair. Let's just look at this in a perfect world, they work together, barely speak and have no lunches or time together. They are simply coworkers like you are at your employment. The fact that they see each other at all brings back every thought of the affair, all the good memories they share. Exposure kills that, eventually they are either together or become indifferent to each other. Just imagine how difficult it would be for both of they went to work and everyone knew of the affair. Both would walk with heads down in shame. But they don't, because of no exposure.
> 
> Your wife working there keeps the affair going, ask her if you could have an affair then continue to work with your affair partner. A resounding hell no is what you would hear. Your finger is on the trigger, expose this affair to their HR. Expose to OMW so the OM is in damage control as your wife is. *This OM invaded your marriage,* your wife accepted his advances, now you stand firm and launch your attack of your own. If you want divorce or reconciliation you need to stand firm. Tell your wife today she puts in her notice to quit today. Tell her she has consequences to face and she will face them. She made a choice, now you are.


...and his wife is nothing but a quisling.


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## Taxman

Despite your fears, I believe that the OBS has a right to know. She also has a right to be tested for STD's, not specifically from your wife, but one cannot be sure that this was not OM's first rodeo, so to speak. Certainly if he releases naked pictures of your wife, SO WHAT? That is a consequence of her actions. As I have stated in the past, I am very big on consequences. Right now, she isn't feeling a lot of pain resulting from her opening her legs for another man. I suggest that if those pictures are released, she can wear a big scarlet A. The other thing is, if the OM releases those pics, do you honestly think that she would run right back to him? Doubtful. And, given that you are in the British Armed Forces, one is sure that if he releases pictures of that nature, that you have a regiment full of buddies that just might step into OM's sh8t, and make him regret ever meeting your wife.


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## Lostinthought61

I don't think your thinking straight......your in your own fog, you are willing to accept anything, to hold on to anything, willing to still allow her to provide no transparency, allow her to not expose her shame, allow him to call your bluff, he is comfortable knowing that you will not expose to his wife, not confront him, not have her do any of the heavy lifting in keeping this marriage....you are playing from fear than strengthen. you lost her already and if she stays she will stay because of trying to keep the family intact and not for loving you...not right now at least...she will stay for guilt and shame....because you are only demostrating beta male tendency.


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## TRy

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> The relationship had come to an end as he would not leave his wife for mine.





Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him!


 After a long 3 1/2 year affair, you say that the "relationship had come to an end as he would not leave his wife for mine", and that you will not expose the other man (OM) because if it causes the end of his marriage your wife "could go back to him", then you are acknowledging that the other man has and could have your wife anytime that he wanted. That the OM is #1 in her heart, and that you are nothing but a back up plan that she could and would leave at the drop of a hat. Sorry, but that is not a healthy home to raise a child in, or a marriage that I would want to be a part of. You can do better than that. Somewhere out there is a woman that would actually be in love with you that wakes up everyday happy that she has you in her life. That woman is not your wife.

If you read other threads in this site, you will see the many success stories of people that moved on and found better marriages and loving spouses. Now that they know what a happy marriage to a non-cheating spouse feels like, they cannot believe that they even considered staying with their cheating spouse.

BTW: The odds of the OM staying married to his current wife long term are not good. Meaning that the decision to leave this marriage is yours to make, but the decision of if you will stay in this marriage is up to the OM to make, and he could take years making that decision for you about your life.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Expose to other mans wife. File for divorce. You can stop the divorce at any time. She needs to experience consequences. Also, DNA your child. That shows WW how much trust is lost. She needs to change jobs, too. Otherwise, it will continue. What she needs is consequences. 3.5 years! Damn. Feel for you.


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## TRy

.


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## Thor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I can guarantee that my son is mine


A big part of a successful reconciliation is the cheater has to hit rock bottom. They have to utterly capitulate. Part of that process is them being hit with a 2x4 with how devastating their actions have been to you.

One way to demonstrate how she has totally destroyed trust is for you to do a paternity test on the child, and tell her ahead of time you are doing it. Unless you used in-vitro fertilization, you cannot know 100% the child is yours. Now the circumstances of his conception may be totally convincing that he is yours, and you may totally (and correctly) believe the child is yours. Doing the paternity test is part of the shock and awe strategy you should be using.

You cannot Nice her back into the marriage. She has to feel horrible to her core about what she has done. She has to truly wonder how she was able to do such a terrible thing. This is why you shock and awe. This is why you expose her affair to her family and ask them to support you in ensuring the affair is over. This is why she must get a new job asap. This is why she must cut out anybody from her life who knew of the affair along the way.

Filing for divorce and making her fight her way back into the marriage is a strong tactic, too.

Playing calm and nice with her is pretty much the wrong approach to killing an affair.


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## Thor

How is it the relationship is ended yet he is sending "xxx" text messages to her?


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## aine

Tell the om's wife, she also has a right to know. It will keep him busy trying to save his own marriage. If he puts the nude pictures online he can be thrown into jail for that. Do not be afraid of what he might do and why should you protect your wifes honor when she didnt protect it her self?


Sorry about the caps


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## farsidejunky

If this happens, did she really want to be with you to begin with? 

Don't rationalize your way into the realm of ridiculousness.



Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


----------



## Kivlor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


So, here's my question, since you're thinking of your son. Do you want to teach your son to roll over, sweep it all under the rug, and just accept that his wife cheats on him? What example do you want to set? He's learning from you, and some day he will almost certainly find out about this. 



> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


Exposure will put his wife on him, so that he's too busy dealing with his home life to be chasing your wife. It sets the affair back usually.

More importantly, let's suppose your proposed nightmare happens, and he leaves his wife and your wife leaves you for him: So? Do you really want to stay with a woman who's just waiting for her other man to divorce so she can leave you? What kind of marriage is that?


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## manfromlamancha

Hello Cradle and sorry to see you here. Here is my tuppence worth of opinions:


You need to get your head in the right place to handle this. You are currently not handling it well (understandably).


Your "wife" has been fvcking another man for 3.5 years!!! That is 3.5 years of lying, cheating, planning, etc behind your back. There isn't a shred of love for you by this time. You represent some stability but nothing more.


The affair ended because the POS didn't want to leave his wife NOT because she felt love, remorse or guilt. SHE IS NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL SO WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT HER BACK?!?!?


You are worried that if you expose he will (a) put naked pictures of your wife on line - he will be breaking the law and WILL get into trouble for doing that; and (b) drive her back to him - this honestly might be your best result. My answer to both concerns is SO WHAT ! You know what she is so why are you trying to protect her or even want to be with her ? And don't give me the usual "but she is the mother of my son" line - she does not behave like the mother of anyone's son.


Did she offer you a reason for doing it ? Do you think you have the whole truth (I really doubt this) ? You need to know a lot more and see a lot more action from her before you can even consider making a decision. Basically, she needs to throw herself at your mercy, give you an amicable divorce and still wait for you while working on herself for you to even consider taking her back - else she should be toast as far as you are concerned. 


You need to wake up and protect yourself asap!


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## badmemory

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him!


OP,

Why on earth would you want to R with a wife you thought would do that? That statement sums up your whole mindset. You want to rugsweep this because you fear divorce. This is the point where your anger, self respect and confidence must come to the forefront.

You can't worry about her going back to him. You should just be concerned about catching her if she does.

Expose him to his wife.

Insist that she quit the job.

Accept nothing less than her demonstrating genuine remorse, complete transparency and a desperate urgency to save her marriage.

Or else divorce her.


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## Stang197

manfromlamancha said:


> Hello Cradle and sorry to see you here. Here is my tuppence worth of opinions:
> 
> 
> You need to get your head in the right place to handle this. You are currently not handling it well (understandably).
> 
> 
> All good points. As far as the pictures are concerned, I would think that in some ways it would be a positive to have this guy post them in revenge. For one it would humiliate your wife. She would most likely not want anything to do with him any more. That would keep him away from your kids. For two he could get in deep trouble with the law. For three your wife would be more hesitant to ever send pics out again. She put herself in a very stupid position.
> 
> Your "wife" has been fvcking another man for 3.5 years!!! That is 3.5 years of lying, cheating, planning, etc behind your back. There isn't a shred of love for you by this time. You represent some stability but nothing more.
> 
> 
> The affair ended because the POS didn't want to leave his wife NOT because she felt love, remorse or guilt. SHE IS NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL SO WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU WANT HER BACK?!?!?
> 
> 
> You are worried that if you expose he will (a) put naked pictures of your wife on line - he will be breaking the law and WILL get into trouble for doing that; and (b) drive her back to him - this honestly might be your best result. My answer to both concerns is SO WHAT ! You know what she is so why are you trying to protect her or even want to be with her ? And don't give me the usual "but she is the mother of my son" line - she does not behave like the mother of anyone's son.
> 
> 
> Did she offer you a reason for doing it ? Do you think you have the whole truth (I really doubt this) ? You need to know a lot more and see a lot more action from her before you can even consider making a decision. Basically, she needs to throw herself at your mercy, give you an amicable divorce and still wait for you while working on herself for you to even consider taking her back - else she should be toast as far as you are concerned.
> 
> 
> You need to wake up and protect yourself asap!


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## Stang197

Not sure what happened to my post above. My comment got stuck in the quote and it won't let me edit it.?


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## Mr Blunt

Cradleoffilth75
Your wife has been bonding with the OM in a sexual and emotional way for 3+ YEARS! The only reason that they had an interruption is that the OM would not leave his wife. Your wife has been used for free sex by the OM and she was in full cooperation with this betrayal.

I would bet that your wife is showing you a lot of emotion and regret right now because you are her back up plan and she cannot have the OM.* Those emotions will be very powerful and convincing but are they emotions of regret or remorse?* There is HUGE difference; regret is because she was not able to have her first choice and now she is paying consequences. Remorse is when she is doing everything to completely put the OM out of her life and thoughts and she is doing everything to help you rebuild your shattered emotions and life. Regret is only prolonged agony for you; remorse could make it possible to have a limited R.
*
Never trust emotions only trust actions for a LONG TIME!*

You should divorce your wife and if she is truly remorseful and you want her back then she can prove that with her ACTIONS for a LONG TIME (not months but years). *By doing this you will find out her true character and her dedication to you. In addition, you will not become a door mat, will suffer for a while but then you will be a lot stronger.* You must protect yourself and build yourself up because you sure cannot trust your wife to have your best interest at heart…You must demand respect so that your child can have a father that will refuse to be made into a door mat. Your emotional life is at stake!

*Millions of men have recovered from betrayal and so can you!*


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## Cradleoffilth75

Im going to ask my wife this…

My wife needs to do these thinks to save the marriage!

You need to take responsibility for what's happened.

You need to acknowledge what caused the breakdown within your relationship and what factors pushed you to cheat.

You need to take full ownership of your behaviour, without blaming others. Our son and I are the victims in all of this mess. Because of your selfish ways you have broken this family without an ounce of remorse.

How DO you just give yourself away?

Affairs are addictions, you get the addict around the source there will be a relapse.

You had an affair or still having for 3.5 years!
You were going to leave me for him if he left his wife. He then popped your bubble. You then came back to me, how do you think that makes me feel inside? I feel that you still want out of the marriage.

You will leave your job. You staying there is disrespectful and insensitive. I can't move on until this happens. This needs to happen asap!!!

I will be having a DNA test on Lars. After 3.5 years of lying, cheating and planning behind my back. I don't know how far this spans back!

I want you to be tested for STD's.

I feel there isn't a shred of love left in you for me, I feel that I represent some stability and nothing more.

Can you offer me a reason why you did it?

You have not given me the whole truth. 

I need to know a lot more and see a lot more action from you before I can make a decision.
You need to give me an amicable divorce and still wait for me while working on yourself for me to even consider taking you back.

The affair ended because Rob didn't want to leave his wife, not because you felt love, remorse or guilt about me! You need to give me a reason why I should take you back.

We stopped having sex over 2 years ago, cuddles, kisses and hugging. That was because you thought you were cheating on Rob, but in reality you were cheating on me! 

I feel as if I'm in a hostage situation, I am compromising with you cause I can't take any more rejection pain. That is now going to stop.

Have you desecrated our bed?

Will this do?


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## Yeswecan

Good start. 

Also, demand no contact. All passwords to all devices in hand. 




> You were going to leave me for him if he left his wife. He then popped your bubble. You then came back to me, how do you think that makes me feel inside? I feel that you still want out of the marriage.


You are plan B sir.


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## eric1

That is an incredible outpouring of emotion and you are absolutely correct to put this into her ballcourt. You are looking at this in a very healthy way (though assuredly, and understandably, you do not feel healthy). 

One piece of advice is that you come off as trying to convince her of something. You don't need to vent. Read up on the 180. What you posted above can more simply be applied as "I do not trust that I come first in your life, I do not trust that Lars does. I'm choosing to protect myself and my child. I don't want to make any rash decisions so I'm giving it two months."

In that time it puts the burden on her to not only answer those questions above, but to come up with them! The truly remorseful spouse will be out there on forums such as this wondering how to fix what she's broken. And if she doesn't? Well, you deserve better, the affair still may be going on and she sure as hell isn't committed. At some point you'll just say enough is enough. Get angry and stay angry. People fear anger. Anger exists for a reason. It will propel you into action.

Best of luck man, we are all 100% on your side.


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## Cradleoffilth75

Yeswecan said:


> Good start.
> 
> 
> 
> Also, demand no contact. All passwords to all devices in hand.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You are plan B sir.




I'm adding all passwords to social media accounts and banking records, so she is not syphoning money to do a runner! 


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## VladDracul

Cradle, you need to cull the list of things you already know the answer to. If she cared enough about you or the marriage, she wouldn't be carrying on with this cat. Think about it my man. Why did you turn down a roll in the hay. Was it only because you're married, or because you love her. Would you have taken the other chick up on the offer if you had no love or respect for your old lady. Be honest
Take it from me that this old boy knows that her pulling the plug on the affair because he won't leave his wife is only temporary. She be back when the coals in her britches heat up.

I hate to say it Dawg, but I've met a lot of old boys like you that stays with a woman that does other guys because it gets him hot thinking about another man doing their wife. It can be a huge turn-on to some guys to know and watch someone they love being pleasured by another man. Are you sure you're not a little intrigued by the idea. You seem more concerned with what she does with him than formulating a plan to make her stop or for you to get shed of it.


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## badmemory

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Im going to ask my wife this…
> 
> Nicola needs to do these thinks to save the marriage!
> 
> You need to take responsibility for what's happened.
> 
> You need to acknowledge what caused the breakdown within your relationship and what factors pushed you to cheat.
> 
> You need to take full ownership of your behaviour, without blaming others. Lars and I are the victims in all of this mess. Because of your selfish ways you have broken this family without an ounce of remorse.
> 
> How DO you just give yourself away?
> 
> Affairs are addictions, you get the addict around the source there will be a relapse.
> 
> You had an affair or still having for 3.5 years!
> You were going to leave me for him if he left his wife. He then popped your bubble. You then came back to me, how do you think that makes me feel inside? I feel that you still want out of the marriage.
> 
> You will leave your job. You staying there is disrespectful and insensitive. I can't move on until this happens. This needs to happen asap!!!
> 
> I will be having a DNA test on Lars. After 3.5 years of lying, cheating and planning behind my back. I don't know how far this spans back!
> 
> I want you to be tested for STD's.
> 
> I feel there isn't a shred of love left in you for me, I feel that I represent some stability and nothing more.
> 
> Can you offer me a reason why you did it?
> 
> You have not given me the whole truth.
> 
> I need to know a lot more and see a lot more action from you before I can make a decision.
> You need to give me an amicable divorce and still wait for me while working on yourself for me to even consider taking you back.
> 
> The affair ended because Rob *(Never give him the respect of saying his name - to you he is "that POS"*) didn't want to leave his wife, not because you felt love, remorse or guilt about me! You need to give me a reason why I should take you back.
> 
> We stopped having sex over 2 years ago, cuddles, kisses and hugging. That was because you thought you were cheating on Rob, but in reality you were cheating on me!
> 
> I feel as if I'm in a hostage situation, I am compromising with you cause I can't take any more rejection pain. That is now going to stop.
> 
> Have you desecrated our bed?
> 
> Will this do?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just a suggestion; nix the comments I highlighted in red.


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## pushing50

Mods, OP needs to edit out what look like real names....


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## jsmart

I agree with @VladDracul that you need to cut that list down. Emotional outburst don't work for men. They make you look weak in a woman's eyes.

Besides exposing to her family and to OM's wife, you need to take a step back. I actually think you're not ready to R. Rushing into R out of fear of being alone will not work. Even if she stopped seeing OM, she's not going to love or respect you. To be honest I think she hasn't loved you for years. 

The majority of women are not capable of emotionally having love & sex with more than one man. The one that she's sexing up is the one she loves. She told you they had sex in the car ONCE and you believe it because she has a bad back? Really? I've read hundreds of threads on TAM, LS, and SI. The majority of WW would do anything for the next dopamine hit they get from servicing their OM. It's like a drug requiring wilder situations to keep the high going. When you read it in their own words, how they are COMPLETELY obsessed with OM. They will be with their kid(s) but are not present. Her heart & mind is where her body wants to be, with OM.

You should work on yourself. Do things to build yourself back up. Go reconnect with male friends, hit the gym HARD. Take up a sport. Go back to school. Rediscover yourself because right now you've lost yourself for a woman that really wants to be with OM.


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## drifting on

Cradle

Ask these questions also.

Are you willing to take a polygraph?

We're our children ever with OM?

Would you stay if I had an affair for 3.5 years?

Would you believe what you are telling me if roles reversed?

Are you capable of not having another affair?

What do you bring to the table that is worth the same gift of reconciliation? 

How many of our friends know? If they know, you do realize they are no longer friends?

Do you believe you can atone and redeem yourself to me?


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## 3Xnocharm

I cant for the life of me imagine why you would want to keep a woman who betrayed you for THREE YEARS. And has no remorse over it, to boot! You life for THREE YEARS has been a giant lie. She made a daily, conscious choice to betray you. 

You must expose to the wife. If for no other reason than she deserves to know the truth about the person she is married to. Your wife needs to quit her job. She needs to be 100% transparent with her phone, email, social media, everything. If the woman isnt crying, begging and groveling trying to kiss your ass for forgiveness, then she isnt sorry. 

I have a very close friend who cheated on her husband. He kicked her out when he found out. They started going to therapy in an attempt to work on things and possibly reconcile. Yes, her affair stopped. However... she found a new man immediately that she was seeing/sleeping with WHILE "working" on the marriage. She had no intention to reconcile, she was done. She was going through these motions to save face, or something, I never could get a real answer from her. But she had ZERO remorse about her affair, she was only sorry she got caught. She had been done with the marriage before the affair ever started but instead of having the guts to end it, she followed what she really wanted and cheated. She is still with the second guy and her and her husband are divorcing. I am sharing this to show you that cheaters are full of sh!t.


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## Popcorn2015

Don't tell her you're having your kid DNA tested. You don't need her permission or approval. Just do it. 

Don't tell her you're telling OMW about the affair. Just do it.


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## Cradleoffilth75

I'll tell you all what happened in about 9hrs, I asked all the questions. I've been up for 38 hours, so tired. Thanks for all your help, you have all been amazing!


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## TaDor

Yeah, the DNA testing is to see if she has been sleeping around with guys before her current boyfriend. Also, even if she is innocent in this area - it is to SHOW her what you think of her actions.

3.5 years? Planning on leaving you? Yeah, the affair is still going on. It will take YEARS for you two to get this mess sorted out, if you and she actually wants to do it.

My wife had a 3 month affair before I caught on... it was a train wreck. We tried and failed at talking. We had false R. She was “in love”. I’ve thrown her out of the home twice. She got arrested. He’s into all kinds of stupid drug / drinking drama crap. It was over 6 months after D-Day that she actually made a real effort at R. (I was already dating by then).

We’re over a year into R. My trust in her is good, but not great. We both have issues to work out together. But over-all, so-far – pretty good. I wouldn’t say we are “saved” for 5+ years.

That was a 3month affair, and it continued on after it was confirmed. She was SO CERTAIN that he was her soul-mate and other fantasy crap. Your wife has been doing it for 3.5+ years…. Lying to you.

The affair isn’t over.
The people here have helped me a lot.
But I am in agreement – the chances for (R) for your marriage is pretty much nil. You don’t have a clear head at this moment, you don’t have the complete picture.

Your most recent post about her quitting her job (LIKE TODAY) and your exposure are the steps YOU need to do. It is a start, nothing more. *I also exposed*. Pissed her off big time. I don’t give a damn.

If she doesn’t want to quit TODAY. Then go for D and let her keep her job. And try to get her to move out… legally if need be. But DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME.

PS: Sorry you are here.


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## VladDracul

The answers if truthful




drifting on said:


> Cradle
> 
> Ask these questions also.
> 
> Are you willing to take a polygraph? Yes, but it ain't going to really happen
> 
> We're our children ever with OM? They've met him
> 
> Would you stay if I had an affair for 3.5 years? Shyt no because I'd know you didn't really give a crap about me.[/I]
> 
> Would you believe what you are telling me if roles reversed? I've got better sense than that
> 
> Are you capable of not having another affair? After willing putting out to Frank for 3.5 years, do you really have to ask that.
> 
> What do you bring to the table that is worth the same gift of reconciliation? If you're willing to reconcile after knowing I'd go running when he calls, ain't a lot of heavy lifting I got to do. Think of it like this. It'll wash off and I'll pretend to give a shyt.
> 
> How many of our friends know? If they know, you do realize they are no longer friends? No longer friends with you maybe. Hell sweetie, they would have told you anyway if they liked you.
> 
> Do you believe you can atone and redeem yourself to me? I believe I can make you think I can. If I wasn't stupid enough to leave my phone out, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I won't make that mistake again.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I'll tell you all what happened in about 9hrs, I asked all the questions. I've been up for 38 hours, so tired. Thanks for all your help, you have all been amazing!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Advice from a battle hardened marine.....scorched earth. For her. Blast her out of the saddle with evidence. Beliv nothing she says. You must knock her down to her knees and show her actions have consequences > Be firm and be strong.


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## Stang197

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> Cradleoffilth75 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'll tell you all what happened in about 9hrs, I asked all the questions. I've been up for 38 hours, so tired. Thanks for all your help, you have all been amazing!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> Advice from a battle hardened marine.....scorched earth. For her. Blast her out of the saddle with evidence. Beliv nothing she says. You must knock her down to her knees and show her actions have consequences
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Be firm and be strong.
Click to expand...

This is Truth right here bro. Shock and awe are the order of the day. If you really want to save this , this is the only way. You cannot nice your way out of this.


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## Mr Blunt

> By Cradleoffilth75
> 
> Will this do?


You laid out very good questions and requirements for her…Pursue that if she responds by putting you first in addressing all of your post with ACTIONS…However; I hope that you realize that you will have to have a plan if she fails to do all of it or most of it.

*Do you have a plan if she refuses or fails to do most of it?..*.You have got to prepare yourself for the worst and look out for yourself as she has proven for 3.5 years that she is not going to have your best interest.

You have to stop just depending on her to take actions because you have absolutely no control over her. You need to take actions and those actions will be tough.* You need to demonstrate to her what it would be like for her to lose you completely and you must mean it and be ready to start your life without her. *If she responds with true remorse then it is up to you as to what you want to do. If she does not then you have a very clear cut answer; that answer is that you have nothing but more pain if you stay with her.

Your post below presents and extremely dire situation. She does not have a shed of love for you and is using you for stability. In addition, your relationship with her has no trust; no love, the two most important factors in a successful marriage is absent! I have a lot of empathy for you but my empathy is not going to get you better.

*You have got to take action and focus on yourself and not try to fix her; she is the only one that can take the steps to fix herself.*




> I feel there isn't a shred of love left in you for me, I feel that I represent some stability and nothing more.
> 
> You have not given me the whole truth.


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## Sparta

OP Be tough get all the answers you need this is your life now. She threw the marriage and you away along time ago buddy, and you're pretty much Plan B.! just be honest with yourself, honestly look at it for what it's worth that there is no marriage... the AP got to know more about her than you'll ever know. So reconcile I don't think it's possible.? Not in your case no way. Too long of an affair... and I think you know this to be true. This unfortunate situation can be turned into a beautiful new beginning of your life. Keep us updated


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## Radch1988

Cradleoffilth 

I have been in a very similar situation as yourself apart from my WW's workplace affair lasted a few months. Only stopped because I found out similar to how you did through messages. 

I tried being mr nice guy and have still not exposed the affair to the OM's wife even though I quite easily could have. The only reason I didn't is that I had a gut feeling this would end in divorce and et voila I have just completed all the paperwork. Put quite simply I want to ensure that I don't get taken to the cleaners before the house is sold and the divorce is finalised. I used this as my one and only trump card for her to play by my rules when it comes to sharing custardy of my daughter and splitting the equity in the property equally. Working a treat at the moment. I did however expose the affair to mine and her family straight away. 

I would advise that you take a similar course of action. A 3.5 year affair is a clear indicator of how much she respects you. 

It's going to take actions and not words to save your marriage and if you find you cannot cope then do the best for yourself and your child and get the hell out and file for divorce. 

It's hard man, very, and believe me, I know. but I sleep more soundly now than I have done in months as I no longer care what she is doing. I'm looking after myself and my daughter. 

Be strong for you and your child. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cradleoffilth75

Morning all. I feel more confident after my wife and I were talking last night. 

YES SHE WAS SHOCKED!

I've come back home for a couple of days, my boss knows my situation and said go.

I didn't really get much of a response but lots of tears!
The shock of what I was telling her was hitting home. 

I have her all the questions that I wrote for her to ponder over the next few days, I've got to go away again from Thursday afternoon till Saturday, so this will give her some much needed thinking time. 

We have a counselling session on Monday @ 1000. My wife said she would like to answer the questions with the councillor present.

You are not going to like me saying this…the OM had his wedding vows renewed (I have been on his wife's FB page and seen the evidence of that)
He has deactivated his FB page,twitter etc. This is the reason that my wife said the affair was over.

I am going for a walk with my wife for some much needed us time, weather this works out or not is up to her to act on the questions that she has to work on.

I guess I will have more info to share on Monday when I'll have more answers.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bobby_pagalan

GusPolinski said:


> A few things...
> 
> 1. Expose the affair to OM's wife ASAP. Doing this will significantly increase your chances of squashing the affair. Plus she has the right to know.
> 
> 2. Take this as Gospel: for as long as they're working together (or in the same building or whatever), the affair is still on. She gets a new job -- and ASAP -- or you file for divorce.
> 
> 3. She goes 100% no contact with OM -- immediately and permanently -- or you file for divorce.
> 
> 4. DNA your kid -- the affair may have been going on for much longer than 3.5 years. Also, this might not be her first affair.
> 
> 5. Get your hands on as much evidence (back up her phone and extract texts, etc) as you can get and back it up in a couple of different cloud locations.
> 
> 6. All ^this^ aside, given that your wife was actively trying to get this POS to leave his wife for her, you might as well just go ahead and file.
> 
> 7. If OM posts nudes of your wife anywhere, he'll be committing not only a civil offense, but a criminal offense as well, so don't let that threat keep you from doing the right thing.


I agree with you


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## bobby_pagalan

Bro, don't fooled by her, she is putting you on Plan B. Have pride as a man. I recommend Gus advise,

1. Expose the affair to OM's wife ASAP. Doing this will significantly increase your chances of squashing the affair. Plus she has the right to know.

2. Take this as Gospel: for as long as they're working together (or in the same building or whatever), the affair is still on. She gets a new job -- and ASAP -- or you file for divorce.

3. She goes 100% no contact with OM -- immediately and permanently -- or you file for divorce.

4. DNA your kid -- the affair may have been going on for much longer than 3.5 years. Also, this might not be her first affair.

5. Get your hands on as much evidence (back up her phone and extract texts, etc) as you can get and back it up in a couple of different cloud locations.

6. All ^this^ aside, given that your wife was actively trying to get this POS to leave his wife for her, you might as well just go ahead and file.

7. If OM posts nudes of your wife anywhere, he'll be committing not only a civil offense, but a criminal offense as well, so don't let that threat keep you from doing the right thing.


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## bobby_pagalan

Please expose their affair to OM's wife. You cannot do it alone, even losing one hour in your radar they might be banging already how much more 1 or 2 weeks. Take the advise of Gus, love yourself.

Good luck


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## bobby_pagalan

agree!


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## bobby_pagalan

My God I am hurt by this! Use your mind right now not your heart, love yourself and Lars, you will live in agony if you will not take action, take Gus advise a wise advise!


The affair ended because Rob didn't want to leave his wife, not because you felt love, remorse or guilt about me! You need to give me a reason why I should take you back.

We stopped having sex over 2 years ago, cuddles, kisses and hugging. That was because you thought you were cheating on Rob, but in reality you were cheating on me!


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## Cradleoffilth75

bobby_pagalan said:


> My God I am hurt by this! Use your mind right now not your heart, love yourself and Lars, you will live in agony if you will not take action, take Gus advise a wise advise!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The affair ended because Rob didn't want to leave his wife, not because you felt love, remorse or guilt about me! You need to give me a reason why I should take you back.
> 
> 
> 
> We stopped having sex over 2 years ago, cuddles, kisses and hugging. That was because you thought you were cheating on Rob, but in reality you were cheating on me!




Since coming to this forum I have started using my head, thanks to you guys.
I'm thinking more straight and logically, again thanks to you guys.

I know most of you have said tell the OW about the affair, but let's look at it another way…

1/ Provocation may result in you living in fear of retaliation. Or in the other spouse’s death. Or your spouse enraged that you took this step and scuttling any attempt at marital reconciliation.


2/ Your Wayward Spouse may have told their Affair Partner very personal, secrets and potentially-damaging information about you, your marriage, your personal business, or profession. Things they could use against YOU.

3/ Doing this is essentially an inappropriate displacement of anger and blame from YOUR Wayward Spouse to the Affair Partner. By going after the Other Man or Other Woman (even indirectly) by spilling the beans to their spouse, the Betrayed Spouse is doing something that is classic Betrayed Spouse behavior – displacing blame.

Now, the above 3 are from another site and I have also read that revenge from the OM can result in death of someone!!!

I've seen so much death and destruction within the Army to last a life time. I don't want (whilst extreme) someone's death because I said something to the POS's wife.
Why would I want to put someone's else in my position with all the heartache and pain.
This action will be purely revenge and that's it, I'm my case anyway! This part I am using my head.

Confucious wrote

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves!

Wise words.

Some of you are not going to agree with me on this, but I have had some hard thinking and reading and this is my conclusion for the moment. If I do find out that the affair is still going on then yes, I will be telling the other woman and the marriage will 100% be definitely over.


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## TaDor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Morning all. I feel more confident after my wife and I were talking last night.
> 
> YES SHE WAS SHOCKED!
> 
> I've come back home for a couple of days, my boss knows my situation and said go.
> 
> I didn't really get much of a response but lots of tears!
> The shock of what I was telling her was hitting home.
> ~~~
> I guess I will have more info to share on Monday when I'll have more answers.


Do your best. You've had a very crappy time. So this change of confidence makes you feel like a million bucks.

Been there, done that.

Go to this Amazon page and buy those books (Not Just friends) + the two recommended books. How to heal / surviving an affair.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1498074059&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends

They may help both of you.

Having a moderator (Marriage consular ) to be there while she answers those questions is a mixed bag. Its giving her time to THINK about her actions and your questions. They may be real answers or maybe things you want to hear.

I don't think anyone here or else where have seen a wayward wife do an about face this fast. She is more likely crying and mourning the "breakup" of the affair.
She's spent over 3 years lying to you, so she has lots of practice. It sucks.


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## manfromlamancha

The reasons you have provided for not telling the POSOM's wife are weak! You fear him retaliating ??? You who regularly puts yourself in front of bullets for Queen and country? You don't need to be afraid - he does!

And tell her because IT IS THE DECENT THING TO DO! Besides this it will work well for you.


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## bobby_pagalan

Man, you have a good heart, even on your first reaction about the affair, you handled it calmly and always considering positive. Whatever happens, you deserve better.


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## TaDor

#3 : The blame is BOTH of them. Difference is, you didn't have a love relationship or have kids with the guy who has been banging your wife for years. Also, you help him cheat on his wife with some else's wife. Eventually, it'll come back to you. The renewal of vows is worthless if his wife doesn't know what a dirt bag her husband is. People have cheated the day before, during and even the day AFTER the wedding.

You are in an odd position. You don't want to expose because if he leaves his wife - your wife will jump into his arms the next day.
Unfortunately, you have no idea what he or she will do at any time. A quick text to "lets meet" = they will meet. They will talk. They will continue where they left off.

Expose to both sets of parents, to perhaps put pressure to get her head together. You can bet she doesn't want mom and dad to know what kind of **** she is.

Fact remains thou... there is a wife, living with a cheater husband WHO has no reason to change. Her ripping into him will likely cause HIM to beg and cry for another chance.

Cheater stats: (rough)
Male cheaters = 30% leave their wives / 60+% will fight to stay in their marriage after busted.
Female cheaters = 60+% leave their husbands / less than 30% will bother to save their marriage.

So your wife would likely either stick with you or still leave you to be free for another penis because you exposed her.

Good luck.

Get those books, you have about 700 pages to read.


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## jsmart

It's so frustrating when a BH doesn't get it. We've all seen how this plays out. If only OP would do the research to see that boldly exposing makes a HUGE difference. Consistently the BHs who help the OM cover up the adultery are rewarded with additional Ddays.

Woman are repulsed by weakness. They can smell it a mile away. A wife can see right through your actions. You think that holding your cards is a power move but it's showing your timidness. The OM was bold. He went after a married mother despite the risk of her husband catching them. You on the other hand are not holding your wife accountable and are visibly afraid of OM. Who do you think your wife is going to pine away for?


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## Sparta

OP you got it totally wrong... you should take the advice do you understand that everyone on here is going through or has gone through the same sh!t and immense pain that you're feeling right now. I have to ask you why did you decide to come on here.?! Dude by completely ignoring the advice that is so freely given to you. Well will just say will be here when you come back and your first sentence most likely if you're humble.? "you guys were right I should have listened to you the first time." Would you like to know how many times we've heard that... too many times buddy... His wife needs to know. Actually you're participating their affair by not giving her the knowledge she needs to have so she can make decisions for her own life...


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## Marc878

Be careful around an MC. They tend to rugsweep at your expense. IMO it's way to early for that. She needs IC first.

As far as not informing the other spouse you are working hard coming up with excuses to avoid this. It's clear your fear is defining you at this time. I've never seen this route workout well. But it is your mistake to make.

Advice is of no value unless you apply it but no one can tell much at this time.


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## hylton7

women don't like weak men keep that in mind


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## dianaelaine59

My replies are below in capital letters. 

-------------------------------------

Since coming to this forum I have started using my head, thanks to you guys.
I'm thinking more straight and logically, again thanks to you guys.

I know most of you have said tell the OW about the affair, but let's look at it another way…

1/ Provocation may result in you living in fear of retaliation. Or in the other spouse’s death. Or your spouse enraged that you took this step and scuttling any attempt at marital reconciliation.

I'M A WOMAN, AND "I" WOULD CARE LESS ABOUT RETALIATION!!
AND DEATH??? HIGHLY UNLIKELY!!

IF MY SPOUSE WALKED AWAY BECAUSE OF THIS, I'D KNOW WHERE I STAND. 


2/ Your Wayward Spouse may have told their Affair Partner very personal, secrets and potentially-damaging information about you, your marriage, your personal business, or profession. Things they could use against YOU.

I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THIS. THEY INVADED MY MARRIAGE, LET THEM USE WHAT THEY WANT. 

AGAIN, UNLIKELY TO USE THINGS AGAINT YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU TELL HIS WIFE!

3/ Doing this is essentially an inappropriate displacement of anger and blame from YOUR Wayward Spouse to the Affair Partner. By going after the Other Man or Other Woman (even indirectly) by spilling the beans to their spouse, the Betrayed Spouse is doing something that is classic Betrayed Spouse behavior – displacing blame.

DISPLACED ANGER???? NOT!!!! ITS YOUR "RIGHT" SINCE SHE DECIDED TO **** UP YOUR LIFE. 

YOU'RE NOT GOING AFTER ANYONE! YOU'RE DOING HIS WIFE A "HUGE" FAVOR!

I WOULD DESPERATELY WANT TO KNOW IF MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATING ON ME FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE JUST RENEWED OUR VOWS!!!

Now, the above 3 are from another site and I have also read that revenge from the OM can result in death of someone!!!

RARELY ...

I've seen so much death and destruction within the Army to last a life time. I don't want (whilst extreme) someone's death because I said something to the POS's wife.

YOU'RE HELPING HER, ALLOWING HER TO HAVE THE "TRUTH" ABOUT HER HUSBAND. 


Why would I want to put someone's else in my position with all the heartache and pain.

BECAUSE SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW. 


This action will be purely revenge and that's it, I'm my case anyway! This part I am using my head.

NOT!!! NOT PURELY REVENGE AT ALL, INFORMATION THAT COULD SAVE HIS WIFE MORE HURT AND PAIN DOWN THE ROAD. 

REMEMBER TOO, THAT HE COULD HAVE CHEATED WITH OTHER WOMEN, AND COULD BE PASSING ON DISEASE TO HIS WIFE!!

YOU'RE REALLY NOT USING YOUR HEAD ON THIS ONE. FEAR IS CAUSING YOU TO HOLD BACK. 

Confucious wrote

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves!

IT'S NOT REVENGE. GOD, I'D HOPE TO HEAVEN SOMEONE WOULD TELL "ME" IF MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATED FOR ALL THOSE YEARS!!!

Wise words.

NOT IN THIS INSTANCE. 

Some of you are not going to agree with me on this, but I have had some hard thinking and reading and this is my conclusion for the moment. If I do find out that the affair is still going on then yes, I will be telling the other woman and the marriage will 100% be definitely over.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, FOR HER AND FOR YOU!!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk. 



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## ButtPunch

OP

You can't let fear do your decision making.


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## badmemory

OP,

You will regret being afraid to tell the other man's wife. Your excuses are nonsense.

Let me relate my story.

When my WW (we are in R) was having a two year PA with her best friend's husband, her best friend found out about it 3 months before I did. The POSOM convinced her it was a short term EA and that dumb @ss decided not to tell me. The result?

For three more months my wife and the POSOM continued the A, but took it further underground. Had I not caught her, the A could still be going on for all I know and I would be clueless. Even if it ended I may have never known what she did. The thought of that makes me sick. Needless to say I loath her just as much as the POSOM for not telling me. She in effect, enabled their A and could have deprived me of knowing that I was betrayed.

Unbelievably this nut job still wanted to stay friends with my wife. I told my wife she could choose to stay in contact with her or stay married to me.

You better hope his wife doesn't find out later on her own and discovers you knew; but you were too much of a coward to do the right thing.


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## Cradleoffilth75

dianaelaine59 said:


> My replies are below in capital letters.
> 
> -------------------------------------
> 
> Since coming to this forum I have started using my head, thanks to you guys.
> I'm thinking more straight and logically, again thanks to you guys.
> 
> I know most of you have said tell the OW about the affair, but let's look at it another way…
> 
> 1/ Provocation may result in you living in fear of retaliation. Or in the other spouse’s death. Or your spouse enraged that you took this step and scuttling any attempt at marital reconciliation.
> 
> I'M A WOMAN, AND "I" WOULD CARE LESS ABOUT RETALIATION!!
> AND DEATH??? HIGHLY UNLIKELY!!
> 
> IF MY SPOUSE WALKED AWAY BECAUSE OF THIS, I'D KNOW WHERE I STAND.
> 
> 
> 2/ Your Wayward Spouse may have told their Affair Partner very personal, secrets and potentially-damaging information about you, your marriage, your personal business, or profession. Things they could use against YOU.
> 
> I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THIS. THEY INVADED MY MARRIAGE, LET THEM USE WHAT THEY WANT.
> 
> AGAIN, UNLIKELY TO USE THINGS AGAINT YOU, ESPECIALLY IF YOU TELL HIS WIFE!
> 
> 3/ Doing this is essentially an inappropriate displacement of anger and blame from YOUR Wayward Spouse to the Affair Partner. By going after the Other Man or Other Woman (even indirectly) by spilling the beans to their spouse, the Betrayed Spouse is doing something that is classic Betrayed Spouse behavior – displacing blame.
> 
> DISPLACED ANGER???? NOT!!!! ITS YOUR "RIGHT" SINCE SHE DECIDED TO **** UP YOUR LIFE.
> 
> YOU'RE NOT GOING AFTER ANYONE! YOU'RE DOING HIS WIFE A "HUGE" FAVOR!
> 
> I WOULD DESPERATELY WANT TO KNOW IF MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATING ON ME FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE JUST RENEWED OUR VOWS!!!
> 
> Now, the above 3 are from another site and I have also read that revenge from the OM can result in death of someone!!!
> 
> RARELY ...
> 
> I've seen so much death and destruction within the Army to last a life time. I don't want (whilst extreme) someone's death because I said something to the POS's wife.
> 
> YOU'RE HELPING HER, ALLOWING HER TO HAVE THE "TRUTH" ABOUT HER HUSBAND.
> 
> 
> Why would I want to put someone's else in my position with all the heartache and pain.
> 
> BECAUSE SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.
> 
> 
> This action will be purely revenge and that's it, I'm my case anyway! This part I am using my head.
> 
> NOT!!! NOT PURELY REVENGE AT ALL, INFORMATION THAT COULD SAVE HIS WIFE MORE HURT AND PAIN DOWN THE ROAD.
> 
> REMEMBER TOO, THAT HE COULD HAVE CHEATED WITH OTHER WOMEN, AND COULD BE PASSING ON DISEASE TO HIS WIFE!!
> 
> YOU'RE REALLY NOT USING YOUR HEAD ON THIS ONE. FEAR IS CAUSING YOU TO HOLD BACK.
> 
> Confucious wrote
> 
> Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves!
> 
> IT'S NOT REVENGE. GOD, I'D HOPE TO HEAVEN SOMEONE WOULD TELL "ME" IF MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN CHEATED FOR ALL THOSE YEARS!!!
> 
> Wise words.
> 
> NOT IN THIS INSTANCE.
> 
> Some of you are not going to agree with me on this, but I have had some hard thinking and reading and this is my conclusion for the moment. If I do find out that the affair is still going on then yes, I will be telling the other woman and the marriage will 100% be definitely over.
> 
> YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, FOR HER AND FOR YOU!!!
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




Thanks for your words as a women. I know you are right and yes I would want to know if someone was cheating on me. But know I know the heart ache that I have and have had, is going to be fing horrible for her!

I know you are all right with this and it is a decision that I and I along have to get a grip of. Now, I know you all will will jump on the bandwagon, but I'm going to wait till I have my counselling session on Monday, to see what comes of all the questions that I have asked her. I have had lunch today and we have spoken in depth again. Got some answers. I agree that 3.5 years is a long time.

Thanks to this forum you have all contributed to me becoming a stronger person. Amazing that I give order in the army and have to be a strong leader for my men!
I do tend to leave that at work and try to be a loving husband. Proof of the pudding is I needed to be that man at home as in the field!

Thanks you all from the bottom of my heart all the info and advice that you have given .
This has given me the confidence to get this far, which is a lot further than I thought ever possible.


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## Taxman

Read the above and re-read it. I believe your thinking on exposing to the other spouse is seriously flawed. She deserves the same information that you have. What the OM does can be guarded against. If you fear that he will retaliate, you have remedies at your disposal; restraining orders, police presence at your home etc etc. It is ultimately selfish of you to withhold this information. Put yourself in her shoes: This isn't his first rodeo, he has been intimate with your wife, and other women, he may be bringing her STD's, without question he is at least giving her yeast infections by mixing other women's flora with her own. Does she not deserve to know the truth about the man she just renewed her vows.


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## eric1

By deciding not to expose you are deciding not to fight for the right to make your own decisions in your marriage.


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## Thor

@Cradleoffilth75 please edit your posts to remove names if those are real names.


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## 3Xnocharm

All those weak excuses to not expose to the OM wife boil down to you being afraid that your wife will leave if you do. If that happens, then you need to realize that she isn't all in with you to begin with, and losing her would be a gain for you. (I think thats true anyway, my opinion is that she isnt worth keeping in the first place...) Would you really want to keep a wife who isnt all in? 

Tell the wife. For God's sake she just renewed her vows to a sleazy POS CHEATER! How can you live with that?? She thinks she has a good thing, when in fact her life is a total lie.

Oh.. and all those tears she shed over your questions dont mean a damn thing if she doesnt take action to fix what she destroyed.


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## Cradleoffilth75

How is this for me to contact the other wife?

Wife's name

It give me great regret that your husband and my wife have been having an affair at work! I didn't want to have to tell you, but, I have been thing of this for a while to try and tell you and I only think that it is the right thing to do. They have been having the affair for about 3 years! I have known for about 2 month and have not taken it lightly to contact you. I'm sorry that it is done on here, this is the only way that I can contact you.


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## eric1

That's absolutely perfect. Just be aware that your wife will have warned her boyfriend that you may be coming so he could possibly intercept it. You may want to give an email or phone number where she can contact you.


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## Marc878

It would pay you not to put too much faith in MC upfront. Some of these aren't great and can cause more damage than help.

BEWARE!!!!!!

We've all seen some of the worst councilling done by some MC's and IC's.

Use your common sense!!!! I hope you get a good one but that's never guaranteed


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## Cradleoffilth75

Marc878 said:


> It would pay you not to put too much faith in MC upfront. Some of these aren't great and can cause more damage than help.
> 
> BEWARE!!!!!!
> 
> We've all seen some of the worst councilling done by some MC's and IC's.
> 
> Use your common sense!!!! I hope you get a good one but that's never guaranteed




I don't have a choice, it's a military counsellor. We did go to the military counselling service and they did give us an outside agent last year, but they won't give me an outside agent at this time because my wife was still having the affair whilst we were seeing the counsellor last year


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## Cradleoffilth75

eric1 said:


> That's absolutely perfect. Just be aware that your wife will have warned her boyfriend that you may be coming so he could possibly intercept it. You may want to give an email or phone number where she can contact you.




The last convo I had with my wife that I wasn't interested in the other man and that we should concentrate on our marriage and not bother with them. But I'm being slowly turned around by all of your great help.


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## 3Xnocharm

eric1 said:


> That's absolutely perfect. Just be aware that your wife will have warned her boyfriend that you may be coming so he could possibly intercept it. You may want to give an email or phone number where she can contact you.


Yep, you cannot let on in any way that you plan to contact her.


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## dawnabon

You're doing the right thing. Makes me sick to think of that poor woman renewing vows with a lying cheater. 

Good luck to you, cradle. 

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## Thor

I would add a way for her to contact you, and offer to provide her with proof. You may or may not wish to tell her your name up front, but my bias is to tell her your name. 

She may dismiss or disbelieve an anonymous note saying her spouse is cheating. It gives her husband the opportunity to gaslight her, too. It is best to give her some proof of the affair in the letter, if you can, as well as your name and your wife's name. Plus either a phone number or email she can reach you by.

Be sure to contact her in a way which makes it impossible for her husband to intercept it. There have been such cases where the cheater intercepts the message and then pretends to be the betrayed, responding to leave them alone. Thus the betrayed doesn't find out about the affair.


----------



## Taxman

Your letter/email to the OBS is very good. Give her a way to contact you. Tell her that you have proof. Tell her not to confront her WH until she has talked to you and you have provided evidence. Afterward, you should continue contact in order to compare stories. There may be other things that come out of that confrontation that you may not be aware. This is a SH1T SANDWICH that she has served up to you. It is now up to you. We know that you have been diligent in your work on R. This little exercise provides you with answers that your WW may or may not have provided. That information should be your guide as to whether you wish to continue R (remember, if there are things that you do not know, and they come out from OM/OBS, it puts you right back at D-Day, and you should prepare yourself for that possibility) That is the reason that to a person we have all begged you to talk to the OBS.


----------



## drifting on

Cradle,

In your letter to the OM's wife you need to put a phone number. State that she is to call you, confirming she is aware of the affair. When I contacted OMW I had to leave a voice message, because of TAM, I knew her getting that message wasn't 100%. Therefore in the message I stated she had two days to return my call, if she didn't I would begin to call her work and inform OM's work of the affair. She called me at lunch the day I left the message. I felt terrible that I had to be the chosen one to blow up her world, but I wouldn't hesitate a second and do it again. 

MC may try to discourage such an act of calling OMW, reason being, your wife cheated on you and not OM. Bull. OM knew your wife is married, didn't care, and there are consequences to that. If you are worried about retaliation, I wouldn't be so much, it's not your to own, it's your wife's **** pile to own. You have to let her own all the crap that an affair brings, it's hard not to protect them, but this is on her and her consequences to own. 

I think your letter is perfect as long as you state for her to contact you. Only way to know its her is for you to talk in person or by phone. Also, since you know the OM look up his wife on Facebook, find out where she went to high school or college. When you speak to OMW ask her where she went to school, if she hesitates or gives the wrong school, you will then know OM intercepted your letter. Being that you learned the affair ended two months ago, OM may have dropped his guard of you contacting his wife. I asked what insurance agent OMW worked for when I spoke to her. She got defensive and I explained I didn't want to have to talk with her neighbor and not her directly.


----------



## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> How is this for me to contact the other wife?
> 
> Wife's name
> 
> It give me great regret that your husband and my wife have been having an affair at work! I didn't want to have to tell you, but, I have been thing of this for a while to try and tell you and I only think that it is the right thing to do. They have been having the affair for about 3 years! I have known for about 2 month and have not taken it lightly to contact you. I'm sorry that it is done on here, this is the only way that I can contact you.


Put nothing in writing.

Get her phone number and call her.

Or walk up to their front door and knock.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

drifting on said:


> Cradle,
> 
> 
> 
> In your letter to the OM's wife you need to put a phone number. State that she is to call you, confirming she is aware of the affair. When I contacted OMW I had to leave a voice message, because of TAM, I knew her getting that message wasn't 100%. Therefore in the message I stated she had two days to return my call, if she didn't I would begin to call her work and inform OM's work of the affair. She called me at lunch the day I left the message. I felt terrible that I had to be the chosen one to blow up her world, but I wouldn't hesitate a second and do it again.
> 
> 
> 
> MC may try to discourage such an act of calling OMW, reason being, your wife cheated on you and not OM. Bull. OM knew your wife is married, didn't care, and there are consequences to that. If you are worried about retaliation, I wouldn't be so much, it's not your to own, it's your wife's **** pile to own. You have to let her own all the crap that an affair brings, it's hard not to protect them, but this is on her and her consequences to own.
> 
> 
> 
> I think your letter is perfect as long as you state for her to contact you. Only way to know its her is for you to talk in person or by phone. Also, since you know the OM look up his wife on Facebook, find out where she went to high school or college. When you speak to OMW ask her where she went to school, if she hesitates or gives the wrong school, you will then know OM intercepted your letter. Being that you learned the affair ended two months ago, OM may have dropped his guard of you contacting his wife. I asked what insurance agent OMW worked for when I spoke to her. She got defensive and I explained I didn't want to have to talk with her neighbor and not her directly.




Only problem there is, I can only contact her on messenger. Her FB page has no phone number and no info on it! If I have no response from her I could go through one of her family members to contact me, but I don't really want to do that, it would then take the onus on her to tell her family!
I don't know where she lives or work, the om's place of abode never came up. Me asking about it now would be very suspicious.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

GusPolinski said:


> Put nothing in writing.
> 
> 
> 
> Get her phone number and call her.
> 
> 
> 
> Or walk up to their front door and knock.




Don't know where they live or phone numbers.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lostinthought61

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Don't know where they live or phone numbers.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


i am sure your wife knows where they live.


----------



## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Don't know where they live or phone numbers.


Find out.

Besides, his number should show up on your cell phone bill.

That's as good a place to start as any.


----------



## dianaelaine59

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> The last convo I had with my wife that I wasn't interested in the other man and that we should concentrate on our marriage and not bother with them. But I'm being slowly turned around by all of your great help.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Of course she doesn't want you to bother with them, it will ruin most of what they had, hopefully ALL of it. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## drifting on

Cradle,

If you feel comfortable with this, pm the names of OM and his wife to me. I will see what I can do to get the info and pm it back to you. I have a few PI's who can get this info for me.


----------



## Hexagon

drifting on said:


> Cradle,
> 
> If you feel comfortable with this, pm the names of OM and his wife to me. I will see what I can do to get the info and pm it back to you. I have a few PI's who can get this info for me.


I could use this help as well.

I would bet money that the man's wife doesn't know.


----------



## TaDor

OOPS! For some reason, I posted and messed up the link to AMAZON for the books.

This is the link:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1498074059&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends


----------



## TaDor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Since coming to this forum I have started using my head, thanks to you guys.
> I'm thinking more straight and logically, again thanks to you guys.
> 
> I know most of you have said tell the OW about the affair, but let's look at it another way…
> 
> Now, the above 3 are from another site and I have also read that revenge from the OM can result in death of someone!!!


Rarely does that happen. Usually, the betrayed murders the OM.
There was a trial recently, in which the BH was driving around with his teen daughter in the car looking for his wife. The boss gets on the phone (who is having sex with his wife in an SUV) and taunts him. The BH finds the SUV, shoots the guy (a lawyer) dead. His wife is very upset about the killing of her boyfriend - not a tear for her husband.

POSOMS = wimps. They are in the wrong.

BTW, we're not being mean to you or anything like that. We've all been through this hell. 
1 year into R - and nothing is guaranteed. I love me wife (we are no longer married, but looking to get back together) - I want her forever. I made my commitment to her when I proposed all those years ago. It was a 3/5 (5 months after D day) active affair. We are an emotional mess when this ride starts. I'm past the anger stage... and prepared to dump her if need be. Sometimes, I have my doubts.. even thou we are a much better couple today. My wife supports going to MC ASAP and will pay for it out of her own pocket. She has to do her part to save our family.

Your wife has to DO HER PART to save YOUR family.
You can count on her giving you false Rs a few times, this is typical. She doesn't get it, and it will take a while - IF EVER.


----------



## Steve1000

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Since coming to this forum I have started using my head, thanks to you guys.
> I'm thinking more straight and logically, again thanks to you guys.
> 
> I know most of you have said tell the OW about the affair, but let's look at it another way…
> 
> 1/ Provocation may result in you living in fear of retaliation. Or in the other spouse’s death. Or your spouse enraged that you took this step and scuttling any attempt at marital reconciliation.


I sincerely wish you the best. I have some idea of the emotional pain that you're going through. With that in mind, I think that you are still not handling this situation very well. It is obvious that this has destroyed any confidence that you may have had and you are still clearly afraid of losing your wife. 

In regard to your first reason for not telling OM's wife, you are worried that your wife will be too angry at you. This is the same wife that had an affair for at least 3 1/2 years! It would be like if I took a hammer to your car's window, and then you deciding not to grab the hammer away from me because you don't want to offend me. If you continue to act from a position of fear of losing your wife, then you will never truly recover. This will continue to eat at you year after year and you will eventually become disgusted at yourself for the weak way you handled it. 

I assume that you're a strong man in other areas of your life. I am also a strong person in most areas of my life, but yet, I also forgave my fiance way too easily after I learned that she had cheated for the first six months of our relationship. Why? Because I was also afraid of losing her. Whenever I think of it, I'm still disgusted at myself for how I handled it.


----------



## TaDor

drifting on said:


> Being that you learned *the affair ended two months ago*, OM may have dropped his guard of you contacting his wife. I asked what insurance agent OMW worked for when I spoke to her. She got defensive and I explained I didn't want to have to talk with her neighbor and not her directly.


He learned of the affair when he picked up the phone... Nothing has been proven that anything has actually ended. Other than his wife's word.


----------



## TaDor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Only problem there is, I can only contact her on messenger. Her FB page has no phone number and no info on it! If I have no response from her I could go through one of her family members to contact me, but I don't really want to do that, it would then take the onus on her to tell her family!
> I don't know where she lives or work, the om's place of abode never came up. Me asking about it now would be very suspicious.


1 - Are you FRIENDS with her on facebook? If NOT, then information will be available to you. Not only that, the messager message you send to a non-friend pretty much goes into a trash folder that nobody ever looks at.

If you ARE friends with her... did you KNOW that you can "CALL" someone from within Messenger? If on a desktop computer - there is an icon called "VOICE CALL". It should also be something like that on the phone app. Thus, you can VOICE call her without knowing her phone number... and leave her a VOICE message at worst.

If you are also FRIENDS with her on FB, then you can see when she is ONLINE to make the call.


----------



## eric1

Cradle, we are all in your corner. You are doing great. Everyone comes around at different speeds but we're not going to give up on you man.


----------



## TDSC60

Your wife will do everything she can to protect OM for a while. She was ready to leave you and your son for HIM. Even though he refused to leave his wife for your wife, her emotions and love for him do not change that fast. 

You are right that you represent a stable home for her and your son - not much more. You are also right that she stopped having sex with you over 2 years ago because that would have been cheating on the man she loved - OM. She loves and respect him - not you.

Do not let fear cloud your judgement. When you started talking about people dying if you exposed the affair that only showed how wild your imagination can be and how afraid you are of admitting the truth. Your marriage is dead. Killed by infidelity. It is now up to you to decide if you want a new marriage with the same person who murdered your old marriage or would it be best to walk away from her.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Lostinthought61 said:


> i am sure your wife knows where they live.




Ok, excuse me wife, can I have you lover/ex lover where his wife lives and while your at it can I have her email an mobile number 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

GusPolinski said:


> Find out.
> 
> Besides, his number should show up on your cell phone bill.
> 
> That's as good a place to start as any.




His has been deleted on my wife's phone and blocked 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> His has been deleted on my wife's phone and blocked


Get your hands on the phone bill.

Plus, if it's blocked, you should be able to see it under blocked numbers.


----------



## dawnabon

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, excuse me wife, can I have you lover/ex lover where his wife lives and while your at it can I have her email an mobile number
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Do you know his last name? A full name and google will net you all kinds of info. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

TaDor said:


> Do your best. You've had a very crappy time. So this change of confidence makes you feel like a million bucks.
> 
> Been there, done that.
> 
> Go to this Amazon page and buy those books (Not Just friends) + the two recommended books. How to heal / surviving an affair.
> https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1498074059&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends
> 
> They may help both of you.
> 
> Having a moderator (Marriage consular ) to be there while she answers those questions is a mixed bag. Its giving her time to THINK about her actions and your questions. They may be real answers or maybe things you want to hear.
> 
> I don't think anyone here or else where have seen a wayward wife do an about face this fast. She is more likely crying and mourning the "breakup" of the affair.
> She's spent over 3 years lying to you, so she has lots of practice. It sucks.





Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, excuse me wife, can I have you lover/ex lover where his wife lives and while your at it can I have her email an mobile number
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, that is a good start but with the caveat that in the same breath you inform your wife if she does not hand over his name, address, email and telephone number that you will absolutely positively file for divorce and you will see that divorce to the end. If she hands all the information over you have a chance for reconciliation. If not you are dealing with a "wife" who values her married boyfriend over you. Is that the wife YOU want to have?

Stop making sad excuses about informing his wife. You sound like a man who is afraid that if his wife's married boyfriend gets divorced his own wife will follow. 

I repeat, do you want to stay married to THAT! 


Seriously... Think about it.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

One more thing? What makes you think this is the only person she has had an affair with? You only know about this person because you caught her and she confessed. You have zero knowledge if there are others. She will never admit them if there are. You really have no idea who she really is.


----------



## GusPolinski

dawnabon said:


> Do you know his last name? A full name and google will net you all kinds of info.


*cough* publictaxrecords!


----------



## drifting on

Hexagon said:


> I could use this help as well.
> 
> I would bet money that the man's wife doesn't know.




Pm me the info, disregard the pm I sent you.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Ok, had some more info after talking with the adulterous wife.

I have had full access to her phone and pc. Found out she was using an account in my cats name to use whats app in her history! Sneaky mf!!!! That's ok though, she game me the pass code and the whole she bang was in there, the last 3 years. She wanted to be there when I looked for 2 hours at the texts and images! She did leave. TBH it didn't bother me that much, all I wanted is to get evidence ( and I have sh1t loads of that, I emailed all emails and images to my email account!) so if that pos mf wants to come back at me threatening to post **** of my wife ( which tbh I'm not bothered about, she made the grave) I can f*ck him back napalm style! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Im going to ask my wife this…
> 
> My wife needs to do these thinks to save the marriage!
> 
> You need to take responsibility for what's happened.
> 
> You need to acknowledge what caused the breakdown within your relationship and what factors pushed you to cheat.
> 
> You need to take full ownership of your behaviour, without blaming others. Our son and I are the victims in all of this mess. Because of your selfish ways you have broken this family without an ounce of remorse.
> 
> 
> How Stop negotiating with her and showing your emotions. Just say you screwed up,
> you lied for 3.5 years and you think I am gonna be your Plan B, have another think coming. YOu have shown no remorse, why the hell should I have anything more to do with you. I will decided within (give time frame) to file for divorce. You have to make her sweat.DO you just give yourself away?
> 
> Affairs are addictions, you get the addict around the source there will be a relapse.
> 
> You had an affair or still having for 3.5 years!
> You were going to leave me for him if he left his wife. He then popped your bubble. You then came back to me, how do you think that makes me feel inside? I feel that you still want out of the marriage. As far as I am concerned you could lie and **** around behind my back for 3.5 years and if OM shows up asking you, you'll go with your panties in hand, wtf would I want to put myself through that again?
> 
> You will leave your job. You staying there is disrespectful and insensitive. I can't move on until this happens. This needs to happen asap!!!
> 
> I wYOu leave your job by X date and I don't GAF how, what, when or where.
> If you haven't I go file for divorce, no discussioni
> ll be having a DNA test on Lars. After 3.5 years of lying, cheating and planning behind my back. I don't know how far this spans back!
> 
> I want you to be tested for STD's.
> 
> I feel there isn't a shred of love left in you for me, I feel that I represent some stability and nothing more. No emotions cut this out, you are at war
> 
> Can you offer me a reason why you did it?
> 
> You have not given me the whole truth. Lie Detector test, insist on it
> 
> I need to know a lot more and see a lot more action from you before I can make a decision. Actions speak louder than words, I will give you xx no of weeks, then I walk.
> You need to give me an amicable divorce and still wait for me while working on yourself for me to even consider taking you back.
> 
> The affair ended because Rob didn't want to leave his wife, not because you felt love, remorse or guilt about me! You need to give me a reason why I should take you back.
> 
> We stopped having sex over 2 years ago, cuddles, kisses and hugging. That was because you thought you were cheating on Rob, but in reality you were cheating on me!
> 
> I feel as if I'm in a hostage situation, I am compromising with you cause I can't take any more rejection pain. That is now going to stop. No emotions, cut this out
> 
> Have you desecrated our bed?
> 
> Will this do?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good stuff,


----------



## Marc878

I was worried you might not get it but now it seems we've released the Kraken!!!

Glad you're standing up and taking control


----------



## aine

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I don't have a choice, it's a military counsellor. We did go to the military counselling service and they did give us an outside agent last year, but they won't give me an outside agent at this time because my wife was still having the affair whilst we were seeing the counsellor last year
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm sorry but your wife is a piece of work, if she went to MC and still carried on the affair, why do you want to have a marriage with her, there are so many decent woman out there, why aren't you filing for divorce and dumping her?


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Ok, my game plan is…

I'm leaving her a hand written letter for when she gets home tomorrow after work, this is how it goes…

Dear Wife

Inside this envelope is my wedding ring.

I feel that I don't deserve to wear this after what you have done to me. You have truly broken my heart and I hope that you never have to go through this pain. I really want you to think about what you want within this marriage and try to understand what you have to do to keep me as your husband.

Infidelity is the worst thing that anyone can do to another person and I don't understand why you would want to hurt me in that way. What have I ever done to you to warrant that?

All you ever needed is to cry for help and I'd be there in a shot.

I will except some of the responsibility of our break down in the marriage, but, I will never except any responsibility for your infidelity, that and that alone was your choice and your choice alone. You have never opened up your heart to me ever and truly told me your feeling. 

By the time you read this letter, I will have informed His wife! I feel it is the only decent thing to do, considering what has happened.
Renewing his wedding vows whilst having relations with you is more despicable than just infidelity. This poor women must know what sort of man he really is!

I don't know where the future lies for us, but I what you to be true to yourself and ask, do I really see a future with me? Can you really make a difference to convince me that you want to be with me and never do this heinous act again. 

I will always love you to the bottom of my heart and we have had some amazing times in the 18 years we have been together.

What ever your decision make the right choice for you and you alone.

All my love
Rob 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## theDrifter

Just so I understand - you are all for reconciliation if she decides that's what she wants to do....right?


----------



## dawnabon

I wouldn't give her that letter. Too much emotion. She doesn't deserve it. Showing vulnerability to a cheater is like handing them ammo. I wouldn't trust her enough to be vulnerable to her to this point. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, my game plan is…
> 
> I'm leaving her a hand written letter for when she gets home tomorrow after work, this is how it goes…
> 
> Dear Wife
> 
> Inside this envelope is my wedding ring.
> 
> I feel that I don't deserve to wear this after what you have done to me. You have truly broken my heart and I hope that you never have to go through this pain. I really want you to think about what you want within this marriage and try to understand what you have to do to keep me as your husband.
> 
> Infidelity is the worst thing that anyone can do to another person and I don't understand why you would want to hurt me in that way. What have I ever done to you to warrant that?
> 
> All you ever needed is to cry for help and I'd be there in a shot.
> 
> I will except some of the responsibility of our break down in the marriage, but, I will never except any responsibility for your infidelity, that and that alone was your choice and your choice alone. You have never opened up your heart to me ever and truly told me your feeling.
> 
> By the time you read this letter, I will have informed His wife! I feel it is the only decent thing to do, considering what has happened.
> Renewing his wedding vows whilst having relations with you is more despicable than just infidelity. This poor women must know what sort of man he really is!
> 
> I don't know where the future lies for us, but I what you to be true to yourself and ask, do I really see a future with me? Can you really make a difference to convince me that you want to be with me and never do this heinous act again.
> 
> I will always love you to the bottom of my heart and we have had some amazing times in the 18 years we have been together.
> 
> What ever your decision make the right choice for you and you alone.
> 
> All my love
> Rob
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Now you are talking. Don't back down. Just do it. It's the right thing to do. Show his wife the messages. Be prepared to forward to her.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, my game plan is…
> 
> I'm leaving her a hand written letter for when she gets home tomorrow after work, this is how it goes…
> 
> Dear Wife
> 
> Inside this envelope is my wedding ring.
> 
> I feel that I don't deserve to wear this after what you have done to me. You have truly broken my heart and I hope that you never have to go through this pain. I really want you to think about what you want within this marriage and try to understand what you have to do to keep me as your husband.
> 
> Infidelity is the worst thing that anyone can do to another person and I don't understand why you would want to hurt me in that way. What have I ever done to you to warrant that?
> 
> All you ever needed is to cry for help and I'd be there in a shot.
> 
> I will except some of the responsibility of our break down in the marriage, but, I will never except any responsibility for your infidelity, that and that alone was your choice and your choice alone. You have never opened up your heart to me ever and truly told me your feeling.
> 
> By the time you read this letter, I will have informed His wife! I feel it is the only decent thing to do, considering what has happened.
> Renewing his wedding vows whilst having relations with you is more despicable than just infidelity. This poor women must know what sort of man he really is!
> 
> I don't know where the future lies for us, but I what you to be true to yourself and ask, do I really see a future with me? Can you really make a difference to convince me that you want to be with me and never do this heinous act again.
> 
> I will always love you to the bottom of my heart and we have had some amazing times in the 18 years we have been together.
> 
> What ever your decision make the right choice for you and you alone.
> 
> All my love
> Rob
> 
> W
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Do not send that letter. Man, you make yourself look weak. Simply leave wedding ring in envelope and Let her know you have told his wife. The all you should say is give me one good reason why I should not divorce you.

Appear strong when you feel weak to paraphrase Sun Tzu>


----------



## Satya

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, my game plan is…
> 
> I'm leaving her a hand written letter for when she gets home tomorrow after work, this is how it goes…
> 
> Dear Wife
> 
> Inside this envelope is my wedding ring.


That's all you need.


----------



## GusPolinski

Post removed as a courtesy to a fellow poster.


----------



## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, had some more info after talking with the adulterous wife.
> 
> I have had full access to her phone and pc. Found out she was using an account in my cats name to use whats app in her history! Sneaky mf!!!! That's ok though, she game me the pass code and the whole she bang was in there, the last 3 years. She wanted to be there when I looked for 2 hours at the texts and images! She did leave. TBH it didn't bother me that much, all I wanted is to get evidence ( and I have sh1t loads of that, I emailed all emails and images to my email account!) so if that pos mf wants to come back at me threatening to post **** of my wife ( which tbh I'm not bothered about, she made the grave) I can f*ck him back napalm style!


Next steps...

* Change password to your email account.

* If possible, configure two-factor authentication for your e-mail account.

* Change lock code / PIN / passwords for your personal phones / tablet / PC.


----------



## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, my game plan is…
> 
> I'm leaving her a hand written letter for when she gets home tomorrow after work, this is how it goes…
> 
> Dear Wife
> 
> Inside this envelope is my wedding ring.
> 
> I feel that I don't deserve to wear this after what you have done to me. You have truly broken my heart and I hope that you never have to go through this pain. I really want you to think about what you want within this marriage and try to understand what you have to do to keep me as your husband.
> 
> Infidelity is the worst thing that anyone can do to another person and I don't understand why you would want to hurt me in that way. What have I ever done to you to warrant that?
> 
> All you ever needed is to cry for help and I'd be there in a shot.
> 
> I will except some of the responsibility of our break down in the marriage, but, I will never except any responsibility for your infidelity, that and that alone was your choice and your choice alone. You have never opened up your heart to me ever and truly told me your feeling.
> 
> By the time you read this letter, I will have informed His wife! I feel it is the only decent thing to do, considering what has happened.
> Renewing his wedding vows whilst having relations with you is more despicable than just infidelity. This poor women must know what sort of man he really is!
> 
> I don't know where the future lies for us, but I what you to be true to yourself and ask, do I really see a future with me? Can you really make a difference to convince me that you want to be with me and never do this heinous act again.
> 
> I will always love you to the bottom of my heart and we have had some amazing times in the 18 years we have been together.
> 
> What ever your decision make the right choice for you and you alone.
> 
> All my love
> Rob


Way too sappy. It's like you just finished eating a stack of pancakes.

All you need to do is leave your ring on the table. You don't even need an envelope.

If you _must_ right something, though, simply write her name on the outside of the envelope and put your ring in.

And that's it.


----------



## Marc878

Letters are always a bad idea.

It says I'm not strong enough to say what I think or want to say.

Don't do it.


----------



## honcho

Don't send that letter, it's a mistake. It's not going to have the reaction you expect from her. The letter just fuels unneeded drama

Inform the om wife and offer her a copy of your evidence, don't tell your wife about any of it.


----------



## eric1

Do not let her know you have exposed. If she finds out without you telling her then you can smoke out however they are secretly communicating, if they are that is.

Give it a week.


----------



## Thor

Trust the hive on this one, don't give her that letter. Many of us have had that same urge, and some have done it. It just doesn't work out the way you want it to.

Her mind works differently than yours. She won't take it the way you mean it.

You need to be seeing true remorse before reconciliation has any chance at all. You have not described here anything close to true remorse from her. Your first step then is to stfu mostly, and take some actions to shock her into reality if that is possible. Leaving your ring for her is one option. But if you do so, do it with the approach that she does not deserve to have you wear it. A ring is your statement of commitment to your spouse, and she has lost any claim on you. Other good moves are to expose to OM's wife, and selectively to family. Getting a paternity test on your children is also a good move because it shows how completely she has destroyed your trust in her. She has to see that you no longer believe anything she says or does. Up until now she has believed she could get away with anything because you would believe her, and if she were caught she figured you would get over it.

Filing for divorce is an excellent strategy. You can pause or retract the filing at any time in the future if she really proves herself to you. Filing for divorce changes the dynamics totally. Right now all she has to do is D- work. Just enough not to Fail, meaning just enough to keep you from walking away. But if you file she then has to do A+ work to get you to stop the divorce and stay in the marriage. In a way you are creating that rock-bottom that the addict has to hit before being willing to work hard to give up the addiction. Yup, I know it is not an easy thing to do this, but when it is done it is a good move. If she just gives up on the marriage as a result, you avoided wasting years trying to R with someone who didn't have it in them to do so.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Right mfs, letter writing is all about negatives and positives. Beat the mf down and bring them back up with a positive and so on. Always finish with a positive, hell my wife and I have done the course. But what is clever about it, if you are under so much emotional strain, generally you look at the written content and not how it is constructed. A hand written means so much more than a 
****!y text (tbh most under the age of 30 these day don't know what a hand written letter is) 
IM [email protected] old school, I know what I want and I'm going to fight for it, why cause I think it's a cause worth fighting. If we all give up on the things that we love, it's going to be a sad sh1t world we live in. Now I know there will be people out there that are going to call me delusional, maybe I am, but that's my call. We are all different and each circumstance is different. I'm am under no illusion that my wife has made a wrong choice, but I'm willing to give it another go. Why, well, that's love for you. I am the fucin kraken and I am released and I'm going to bl00dy well fight which ever way it goes. If I win my wife back I win , if I lose I win. Plenty more fish in the sea!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cradleoffilth75

eric1 said:


> Do not let her know you have exposed. If she finds out without you telling her then you can smoke out however they are secretly communicating, if they are that is.
> 
> Give it a week.




She told me tonight she does not care if I do it or not!


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## harrybrown

If you want her back, give her the ring and the D papers.

It might wake her up.


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## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She told me tonight she does not care if I do it or not!


I'd bet my next paycheck that she's already reached out to him to let him know that you're looking to expose to his wife.


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## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Right mfs, letter writing is all about negatives and positives. Beat the mf down and bring them back up with a positive and so on. Always finish with a positive, hell my wife and I have done the course. But what is clever about it, if you are under so much emotional strain, generally you look at the written content and not how it is constructed. A hand written means so much more than a
> ****!y text (tbh most under the age of 30 these day don't know what a hand written letter is)
> IM [email protected] old school, I know what I want and I'm going to fight for it, why cause I think it's a cause worth fighting. If we all give up on the things that we love, it's going to be a sad sh1t world we live in. Now I know there will be people out there that are going to call me delusional, maybe I am, but that's my call. We are all different and each circumstance is different. I'm am under no illusion that my wife has made a wrong choice, but I'm willing to give it another go. Why, well, that's love for you. I am the fucin kraken and I am released and I'm going to bl00dy well fight which ever way it goes. If I win my wife back I win , if I lose I win. Plenty more fish in the sea!


Handing your wife the letter you posted earlier will accomplish exactly one thing:

It will let her know that she still has you exactly where she wants you.

Don't get me wrong -- it's great if writing the letter helps you to organize your thoughts and get things into perspective, but writing a letter and giving/sending a letter are two different things.

Don't give her that letter.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She told me tonight she does not care if I do it or not!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 You're running out of feet to shoot yourself in. In the process you're losing any chance you had of ever getting your wife back. All of the exact same advice was given to you for a reason, it accomplishes your goal, which, by ignoring that advice, you will do the opposite and only have yourself to blame.


----------



## Ckone1800

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Right mfs, letter writing is all about negatives and positives. Beat the mf down and bring them back up with a positive and so on. Always finish with a positive, hell my wife and I have done the course. But what is clever about it, if you are under so much emotional strain, generally you look at the written content and not how it is constructed. A hand written means so much more than a
> ****!y text (tbh most under the age of 30 these day don't know what a hand written letter is)
> IM [email protected] old school, I know what I want and I'm going to fight for it, why cause I think it's a cause worth fighting. If we all give up on the things that we love, it's going to be a sad sh1t world we live in. Now I know there will be people out there that are going to call me delusional, maybe I am, but that's my call. We are all different and each circumstance is different. I'm am under no illusion that my wife has made a wrong choice, but I'm willing to give it another go. Why, well, that's love for you. I am the fucin kraken and I am released and I'm going to bl00dy well fight which ever way it goes. If I win my wife back I win , if I lose I win. Plenty more fish in the sea!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




You are going to give your wayward wife another chance before she even ends the affair?

That's a whole next level of forgiveness, something akin to those fantasy romance movies on cable television. 

If you do not wish to take any of the advice given to you, why do you subject yourself to the reality of the posters here? These folks are trying to help you, but no one can help someone that doesn't accept the help and attempt to help themselves. 


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## drifting on

GusPolinski said:


> Here is how ^this^ post should have read...
> 
> "Cradle, check your private messages."




As soon as I posted I knew it should have been a pm, my bad.


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## GusPolinski

drifting on said:


> As soon as I posted I knew it should have been a pm, my bad.


Just looking out for you.

I've since edited my post.


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## 3Xnocharm

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She told me tonight she does not care if I do it or not!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OMG you talked to her about it?? EVERYONE told you NOT TO! She has already tipped him off, guarantee it. 

That letter is weak, weak, weak. And pathetic. DO NOT GIVE HER THAT LETTER. 

Your wife has had ZERO consequences for fvcking another man for three years. NONE. Can you NOT see how wrong that is??


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## drifting on

Cradle

I hope and pray you listen for just this post if nothing else. You need to hear this, you need to let it sink in, you need to react strong. Keep the letter you have written, it's good to give to her but your timing is way off. I'm not criticizing you at all, I'm simply trying to help you. 

At this point you need to use as few words as possible. Shock and awe are your best friends right now. 3.5 years your wife loved another man, that's brutal, and she withheld sex from you so she didn't cheat on who she loved. I'll support and help you to reconcile as will others, but you need to do this right or it will fail. You posted that OM would not leave his wife, so affair ends, so if OM had left his wife, where would your wife be? Truthfully answer that question. 

Right now you need to shock your wife, but not be cruel, a fine line to walk. My suggestion is to keep your letter for down the road, then use this instead. Take an envelope and write your wife's name on it. Take your wedding ring and cut it with tin snips, place it In the envelope. Then write, here is the symbol of your love and vows to me, it broke. Seal the envelope and then do whatever you need to do, but for Gods sake keep that other letter for now. You say you want to fight for her, fine, just now is not the time, watch her actions first. The fact she left the room while you read the messages is alarming, she should have sat there with you, that would have been an action that she is by your side. Instead she hid, so shock her hard. Cut the ring and give it back to her. Then ask her this, one more time, what exactly do you bring to the table that I will find appealing? You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.


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## farsidejunky

No...no...no letter.

Talk less. Do more.


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## TDSC60

So she had a three year long affair and was forced to stop because the other man's wife found out and busted him. The she has another 18 month long affair that you found out about. How long did she take a break from cheating on you between lovers?

It is remarkable to me that you still want her as a wife. She will cheat again and you know that if you are truthful to yourself.


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## TaDor

TDSC60 said:


> So she had a three year long affair and was forced to stop because the other man's wife found out and busted him. *The she has another 18 month long affair that you found out about. How long did she take a break from cheating on you between lovers?*.


Where did he post that she had an 18 month affair?


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## Cradleoffilth75

drifting on said:


> Cradle
> 
> 
> 
> I hope and pray you listen for just this post if nothing else. You need to hear this, you need to let it sink in, you need to react strong. Keep the letter you have written, it's good to give to her but your timing is way off. I'm not criticizing you at all, I'm simply trying to help you.
> 
> 
> 
> At this point you need to use as few words as possible. Shock and awe are your best friends right now. 3.5 years your wife loved another man, that's brutal, and she withheld sex from you so she didn't cheat on who she loved. I'll support and help you to reconcile as will others, but you need to do this right or it will fail. You posted that OM would not leave his wife, so affair ends, so if OM had left his wife, where would your wife be? Truthfully answer that question.
> 
> 
> 
> Right now you need to shock your wife, but not be cruel, a fine line to walk. My suggestion is to keep your letter for down the road, then use this instead. Take an envelope and write your wife's name on it. Take your wedding ring and cut it with tin snips, place it In the envelope. Then write, here is the symbol of your love and vows to me, it broke. Seal the envelope and then do whatever you need to do, but for Gods sake keep that other letter for now. You say you want to fight for her, fine, just now is not the time, watch her actions first. The fact she left the room while you read the messages is alarming, she should have sat there with you, that would have been an action that she is by your side. Instead she hid, so shock her hard. Cut the ring and give it back to her. Then ask her this, one more time, what exactly do you bring to the table that I will find appealing? You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.




Ok I will not do that letter mate. I understand now why I shouldn't. TBH she wanted to sit with me whilst I was reading those messages, but I didn't want her to incase I went off on one, I had to keep telling her leave the room, so she at least wanted to be there. Most of the messages were BS and some of the photos laughable. But I have taken loads of screenshots of the OM for evidence for the ow. She said to me last night that someone had contacted the OM on messenger that they knew they were having an affair, they both thought it was the ow. I said doubt it, prob was a co-worker. 

I will leave the wedding ring (not cut) and say what I first said in the letter, or something along the lines of what you saidI will not say that I have informed the ow.
Thanks for your help


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## Cradleoffilth75

TDSC60 said:


> So she had a three year long affair and was forced to stop because the other man's wife found out and busted him. The she has another 18 month long affair that you found out about. How long did she take a break from cheating on you between lovers?
> 
> 
> 
> It is remarkable to me that you still want her as a wife. She will cheat again and you know that if you are truthful to yourself.




If your going to comment on my feed, at least read the whole feed first!!!


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## eric1

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She told me tonight she does not care if I do it or not!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I wouldn't take her word for anything right now, with all due respect


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## Satya

Announcing to her what you're going to do won't nearly have the same impact as if you don't.


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## TaDor

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She told me tonight she does not care if I do it or not!


There was a reason why everyone here told you not to threaten her with telling the OMW. (Other Man’s Wife)

What were you expecting her to say or do?
“NO! Don’t do it! I will do anything you say!” or
“That is a good idea, I will give you her phone number and sit next to you while you tell her about my shame. That her husband and I did hard core sex that I would never do with you or he with his wife. I am shame”.

I am betting you wanted to scare her or get some sort of response from her. I get it, many if not most of us have done such things to our way-wards, to get an emotional response, some sort of regret from them.

With her response, she deflated you. She won that round, in general. I mean, after all – she doesn’t care so why bother calling up his wife. A quick response (not your fault ) would be “okay, hand me your phone and lets call her from it”. Hindsight.

PS: There is remorse and regret. Two different things. She regrets that you busted her. She doesn’t have remorse for screwing you over by screwing another man for years, while NOT giving you ANY sex for over two years. You’re a pretty stand-up guy to reject the sexual advances from a woman a year ago while your so-called wife withheld it from you. If you both we like 65+ years old, then no sex would be somewhat understandable. But that should have been a big red WARNING that something wrong was going on.

We told you to NOT tell her your plans. You have weakened yourself against her.

I’m not sure what you SEE on your phone or tablet. But you may not be aware of the kind of people you are getting advice from on this site. With a desktop computer and browser, on each post – there are stats under each avatar/user. It shows the month and year they joined and how many posts they have made. Some of these people have been here 2~7 years, maybe more. Here are some examples as of today, June 22nd 2017:

GusPolinski = 12,280
3Xnocharm = 6,207
drifting on = 2,284
farsidejunky = 8,013
TDSC60 = 2,526
Lonely husband 42301 = 1,342
Satya = 2,743
Marc878 = 3,382
eric1 = 976
Thor = 9,028
TaDor = 1,375

The point of this has nothing to do about BOASTING. Its about showing experience. Almost everyone here is a betrayed person. There are some waywards as well. Listen to WHAT they have to say. I’ve been here for 1.5 years, they have beat me up too. I have questioned some of their advice, but most of it has been helpful. Not everything is perfect. There is only so much detail that can be understood with dots on the screen.
We KNOW your pain. We too, have had our hearts ripped apart and crapped on by our “loved ones”. Early stage of D-Day, is severe confusion, WTH happened? Why is he/she killing our family? For what?

Cheaters follow a typical playbook because the actions of a cheater is that of an addict. They say and do pretty much the same, what is different is the circumstances that determines the spectrum of where they stand and if things are recoverable.

So an important question to you is: What is YOUR END GAME? Save the marriage or divorce?
First, your marriage is DEAD. She murdered it. My wife murdered ours. If you are able to R with your wife, it will NEVER EVER be the same. It would be a new marriage. I’m still healing from my own situation, which was not even close to 3.5 years.

Your wife is very very gone. What you have is a zombie, who ate and replaced your wife with a look-alike. Who knows what else she has lied to you about. You may never know. She purposely refused to have sex with you for TWO YEARS. While getting off on her boyfriend, its even possible that they both laughed at you for what they were doing to you (this does HAPPEN) – leaving you sexless, with just yourself and a bottle of hand lotion.

Many of the people I named above have helped me and others – I may not always agree with them, but their heart is in the right place. I have been wrong and they have been right… because as a newly betrayed – you and others WANT FIX what has been broken. We don’t have the tools to understand what happened or why.
If I was on this site (TAM) just 5~6 weeks earlier, I think they could have saved my family a lot of pain – I would have handled things differently. And not be in panic mode for weeks.

So sure, do the MC thing with your wife. Get more that maybe helpful for you. Who knows. But my opinion, for the years of back stabbing – I doubt you’ll be able to save your family. “I will fight for her” – great. I said the same thing. So has many others. Romanic too, eh? Why should *WE* fight to keep someone who doesn’t LOVE you or me or anyone else? Yes, some are in an affair fog, some are just plain evil and aware of what they are doing. After 3+ years, I don’t think your wife is in that much of a fog. She doesn’t care. In 2~3 months, you maybe HAPPY to be divorcing her.

So, shutup around your wife. Start doing 180 – yesterday. Consider many MCs will want you two to rugsweep, but who knows – maybe what you get will help. Our MC is very good, but even he has his mistakes as nobody is perfect. Get the three books I told you to buy. Order them pronto – R or D, they will help you.

Ask for more advice here as things progress. If she agrees to R, it will NOT be real for many months – she will fail. She will break contact. Its not uncommon to have a few false-Rs. But can YOU deal with that? Reconciliation IS NOT EASY. It is hard, and she will need to do more work than you. Its not fun. I am into a year of R with mine… we’re doing so much better today than before her affair started. But I’m in a different phase now. I am still hurting inside. But by all means, I am better at dealing with things and will not accept any more crap from my “wife”. I was told by people here it will take years to get “there” if things go well. And after a year, I now know what they mean. Your situation is going to be harder.

Okay, the thing about the letter. DON’T DO IT! It’s a love-letter to a degree. You give HER the power on what to do with YOUR relationship. MISTAKE! As others have said, just give her the ring or cut it up. I and more on the side of cutting it in half. I don’t know if the time to do it is before or after contacting the OMW.
But when YOU do give her the ring (envelope or on her night stand) – then soon after that, you expose her to HER parents and your immediate family. She should give you her ring (then you sell it).

If she wants to save the marriage, she will BEG you, she will ASK you want it would take to fix things.

If she says that she wants to leave you. Then say “fine”. And get her served that the divorce process is to start the next day. In other words, talk to a few of the better lawyers in your area. Choose one. And be prepared for him to start the paper work in a moments notice. If that is route you end up going… we’ll help you with that too.

To help you… don’t get your hopes up.


PS: My browser crashed when I first wrote 80% of this... and had to retype it - ugh


----------



## TaDor

I see you did an update. We have the advantage of not being in the moment you. We are more calm.

Note that sometimes a poster may get mixed up on a thread. It happens. Don't take it personal.
Do your best to not fly off the handle. You are emotional, its normal. Its easy for her, because she is not emotionally attached to you. 

There are people who got past this, months will be spent trying to make sense.


----------



## eric1

Listen to Tador, he comes from experience. You think your mess is crazy? Go read his thread. 

Anyhow we definitely are abstracted away from your situation. That's a huge plus. Nearly all of our advice is structured so that you can emotionally detach to a level whereby you can start making decisions based on logic rather than emotion.

You are very raw right now and that comes across clearly. Things such as exposure and the 180 are specifically designed to STOP the madness. To stop your world from spinning.

Then once your world stops spinning you can stop, catch a breath and begin kicking some a$$


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Hi all,

I have done it! I've called the mans wife. Now her D-Day has come. Sh1t that was not an easy thing to do, but as you all said, I feel a massive massive sense of relief by doing it. I have also told my wife face to face that I have done it. 


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----------



## ButtPunch

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I have done it! I've called the mans wife. Now her D-Day has come. Sh1t that was not an easy thing to do, but as you all said, I feel a massive massive sense of relief by doing it. I have also told my wife face to face that I have done it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Way to man up.....I didn't think you had it in you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I have done it! I've called the mans wife. Now her D-Day has come. Sh1t that was not an easy thing to do, but as you all said, I feel a massive massive sense of relief by doing it. I have also told my wife face to face that I have done it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What did you wife say? what was her body language?


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

ButtPunch said:


> Way to man up.....I didn't think you had it in you.




Neither did I. I throw up b4 I did it!


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## Marc878

Good for you to get that out of the way


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Marc878 said:


> Good for you to get that out of the way




That was probably one of the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I felt like that I was the one in the wrong. But after an hour, calmed down and felt good about myself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Good Guy

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok I will not do that letter mate. I understand now why I shouldn't. TBH she wanted to sit with me whilst I was reading those messages, but I didn't want her to incase I went off on one, I had to keep telling her leave the room, so she at least wanted to be there. Most of the messages were BS and some of the photos laughable. But I have taken loads of screenshots of the OM for evidence for the ow. She said to me last night that someone had contacted the OM on messenger that they knew they were having an affair, they both thought it was the ow. I said doubt it, prob was a co-worker.
> 
> I will leave the wedding ring (not cut) and say what I first said in the letter, or something along the lines of what you saidI will not say that I have informed the ow.
> Thanks for your help
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


When my wife had an emotional affair of sorts (not going into it here but it was not a standard emotional / physical thing like most of them are, more of a stalker obsession) I got a picture she had of us in happier times hanging in our bedroom and tore it in two pieces, one with me on it and one with her. Was just as effective and a hell of a lot cheaper than cutting up a wedding ring!


----------



## drifting on

Cradle

I said to cut the ring, I understand your reluctance to this, but if she cut hers and gave it to you, what message would you receive? What was the purpose of her ring at your wedding when she gave it to you? 

That is why you cut it, the ring was a symbol of her love and vows TO YOU. Not having sex with you to remain faithful to OM broke that ring. Her breaking her vows to you broke that ring. You will never wear that ring again, cut it and give it back to her.

ETA: if she really wants your ring she can have it melted down into something else. Don't know why you would want to do this though.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Lostinthought61 said:


> What did you wife say? what was her body language?




She didn't seem that shocked, I think she new it was coming at some point. She said that was probably the best thing to do.


----------



## GusPolinski

How did OM's wife take the news?


----------



## drifting on

Cradle 

It sucks to make that call, I know, but now you have someone watching OM and has his nuts in a vise so to speak. Job well done. Keep the shock wave going, this brings your wife back to reality from never never land. Cut the ring and leave it in the envelope. By the way, my wife discarded my ring, said she never wanted it on my finger again.


----------



## Steve1000

farsidejunky said:


> No...no...no letter.
> 
> Talk less. Do more.


That's an important point to follow. Any letters written should be written by his wife and any talks should be initiated by his wife. She is the one who would need to do what we all call the heavy lifting. However, considering that her affair lasted a few years, I don't think that his wife could possibly care enough now to be determined to do much heavy lifting.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

GusPolinski said:


> How did OM's wife take the news?




You really have to ask that question! Bearing in mind that they only renewed their marriage vows 2 months ago!!!



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## drifting on

Cradle

My reason for shocking your wife is because her actions were brutal, yet you are responding with strength from here on. Just a small example to show how brutal this can be. My wife and I carpooled, every damn morning and evening we were driving together after she was with OM that day. She sat next to me in a car after having sex with OM, she didn't bat an eye over what she was doing during the affair. That's why when it ends you respond from strength, your actions may hurt but they are a far cry from being cruel or mean. They are actions with a purpose.


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## TDSC60

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> If your going to comment on my feed, at least read the whole feed first!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry. I got your thread confused with another BS whose wife had a 3 yr long affair then started a second 18 month affair after she was caught by OM1's wife.


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## drifting on

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> You really have to ask that question! Bearing in mind that they only renewed their marriage vows 2 months ago!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Yes!!! You will understand the importance of this in the very near future!!!


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Steve1000 said:


> That's an important point to follow. Any letters written should be written by his wife and any talks should be initiated by his wife. She is the one who would need to do what we all call the heavy lifting. However, considering that her affair lasted a few years, I don't think that his wife could possibly care enough now to be determined to do much heavy lifting.




Only time will tell.
I said to her when I gave the list, that at our next MG meeting (Monday) I want some proper answers and no BS. I also said if I don't sense any remorse I will be gone. She is going to have to work her butt of, if not I will leave.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> *You really have to ask that question!* Bearing in mind that they only renewed their marriage vows 2 months ago!!!


Well... yeah.

Did she call you a liar?

Did she tell you not to call again?

Did she cuss, scream, and yell at you?

Had she suspected anything at all?

Also, how did you go about getting her phone number?

And did you call her cell, home, or work?

Just curious.


----------



## GusPolinski

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Only time will tell.
> I said to her when I gave the list, that at our next MG meeting (Monday) I want some proper answers and no BS. I also said if I don't sense any remorse I will be gone. She is going to have to work her butt of, if not I will leave.


/sigh

Like respect, you can't _demand_ remorse.

If it doesn't come naturally, it isn't going to come at all.


----------



## Steve1000

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Only time will tell.
> I said to her when I gave the list, that at our next MG meeting (Monday) I want some proper answers and no BS. I also said if I don't sense any remorse I will be gone. She is going to have to work her butt of, if not I will leave.


I think that I read in an earlier post that you and your wife haven't had sex for the past two years. If that's correct, before you found out about the affair, did this period without sex cause you to have resentment? What happened when you tried to initiate during that time?


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

GusPolinski said:


> Well... yeah.
> 
> Did she call you a liar? No
> 
> Did she tell you not to call again? No, I said if you need evidence call me.
> 
> Did she cuss, scream, and yell at you? No
> 
> Had she suspected anything at all? Don't know
> 
> Also, how did you go about getting her phone number?
> Just by chance, I put her name and where she lived, google. A name came up on the search, so I clicked it to go to a company. Her name vanished, strange I thought. This other women's name was there and a number, so I thought I'd ring and ask for said person, it turned out the mans wife answered the phone!!! What are the chances
> 
> And did you call her cell, home, or work? Work
> 
> Just curious.







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## eric1

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Only time will tell.
> I said to her when I gave the list, that at our next MG meeting (Monday) I want some proper answers and no BS. I also said if I don't sense any remorse I will be gone. She is going to have to work her butt of, if not I will leave.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You hit a G O D D A M N E D home run by exposing!!!! Don't you feel better now? Not only did you do the right thing but now YOU are in the driver's seat.

My next concern for you is that you tend to want to articulate everything with her. There is no need to articulate. Your wife was going to leave you. She is and was in love with the other guy. You need to NOT articulate now and just illustrate.

Say to yourself "I WILL NOT LIVE IN THIS FILTH OF A LIFE FOR ONE SECOND LONGER". Go see your solicitor / lawyer. You are NOT there to finalize a divorce with your wife. You are doing three things:

1. educating yourself to what happens if she does not hit remorse (You have NO say over if she does or not)
2. getting a lead on if she does go back to her boyfriend
3. you are drawing a BIG BLACK LINE IN THE SAND. It'll show her that you're not around for words or actions or excuses. You will not live in infidelity for one second longer. Here are the papers, all it takes is a signature the _damn instant_ your boundaries are taken advantage of again. They're nothing more than a seatbelt, but YOU ARE TOO GOOD TO BE LIVING THIS WAY.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Steve1000 said:


> I think that I read in an earlier post that you and your wife haven't had sex for the past two years. If that's correct, before you found out about the affair, did this period without sex cause you to have resentment? What happened when you tried to initiate during that time?




She had been going (and still going) through women's problems. The most she bleed for was 60 days. She had also had an operation to stop this but not worked. She knows that a hysterectomy is going to have to happen. She also has a very bad back problem, which she will have for the rest of her life. She is also going through the menopause for the last 3 years! 
Not that I will ever condone what she has done, maybe with all these contributing factors, that's why she did what she did. Also being away on ops in Afghan for 6 months at a time, coming home for a month then going back out again for 3 months will definitely take it toll, it did with me. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Steve1000

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She had been going (and still going) through women's problems. The most she bleed for was 60 days. She had also had an operation to stop this but not worked. She knows that a hysterectomy is going to have to happen. She also has a very bad back problem, which she will have for the rest of her life. She is also going through the menopause for the last 3 years!
> Not that I will ever condone what she has done, maybe with all these contributing factors, that's why she did what she did. Also being away on ops in Afghan for 6 months at a time, coming home for a month then going back out again for 3 months will definitely take it toll, it did with me.


I guess it was a real punch to the gut to know that while she told you she couldn't have sex due to physical problems, she was able to for the other guy. These kinds of thoughts are going to mess with you for a long time. 

I do agree with you that being away from home for six months at a time may be a strong contributor to why she started cheating in the first place. Were you away when the affair started?


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## farsidejunky

This would be incredibly compelling and legitimate if she was not giving herself to another man during that time. She wanted to have sex, just not with you.

The lies that hurt the most are the ones we tell ourselves.

Look, brother...I retired from the Army in 2013 after 20 years, 3 months, and 7 days of service. Military life is hard enough with a good spouse, let alone one that cheats. I could not fathom being in the sandbox while simultaneously wondering if someone else was helping my wife keep my bed warm.

Wake up. Pull your head from your 4th point of contact.



Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She had been going (and still going) through women's problems. The most she bleed for was 60 days. She had also had an operation to stop this but not worked. She knows that a hysterectomy is going to have to happen. She also has a very bad back problem, which she will have for the rest of her life. She is also going through the menopause for the last 3 years!
> Not that I will ever condone what she has done, maybe with all these contributing factors, that's why she did what she did. Also being away on ops in Afghan for 6 months at a time, coming home for a month then going back out again for 3 months will definitely take it toll, it did with me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Good Guy

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She had been going (and still going) through women's problems. The most she bleed for was 60 days. She had also had an operation to stop this but not worked. She knows that a hysterectomy is going to have to happen. She also has a very bad back problem, which she will have for the rest of her life. She is also going through the menopause for the last 3 years!
> Not that I will ever condone what she has done, maybe with all these contributing factors, that's why she did what she did. Also being away on ops in Afghan for 6 months at a time, coming home for a month then going back out again for 3 months will definitely take it toll, it did with me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So the OM was having sex with her while she was bleeding all over him? OR she made it all up? Which do you think is more likely? Did you see her have the operation? You can't believe ANYTHING she tells you unless you have seen it yourself. I'm not religious but now is the time to be Doubting Thomas.

_But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.
The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.
_

Be like Thomas.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Cradle, 

is your wife afraid you may have cheated or will cheat now that she can't have sex? also as we are all well aware there are other sexual activities where intercourse is not required....have you thought to ask for a polygraph from her?


----------



## drifting on

Cradle

It is also important that you don't become overwhelmed. Be sure to breathe, vent if you need to, but be vigilant. This is a difficult time and it will slow down, but this is a very busy time in infidelity. You will have difficulties, we can help walk you through, questions asked may seem irrelevant but I assure you they aren't. Keep yourself as grounded as possible during this time.


----------



## Graywolf2

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Only time will tell.
> I said to her when I gave the list, that at our next MG meeting (Monday) I want some proper answers and no BS. I also said if I don't sense any remorse I will be gone. She is going to have to work her butt of, if not I will leave.


Have your wife answer your questions in writing. She can give them verbally at the Monday meeting but have a written record. It’s easy to hedge verbally. People hear what they want to hear. In writing it has to be precise and you have a permanent record.


----------



## TDSC60

Did you cheat on your wife while on deployment? If not - why not. If not - you should hold her to the same standard, not make excuses for what she did.


----------



## Hexagon

When my wife admitted to her first affair. It started with an argument over something trivial over the phone. She said she couldn't take it anymore and that she was going to stay with her mother. She stated that I was to move out and she didn't want to be with me anymore. I could tell something was bubbling under the surface and asked what was really going on. I asked if there was someone else and pressured her to tell me the truth. After him-hawing around for a few minutes, she told me she had been having an affair for roughly a month. She refused to tell me who it was and angered easily. After two days of her keeping my daughter away from me I begged her to come home so that we could discuss it. So, she did. That night we wen't into my daughter's bedroom to talk.
"Who is it?"
-"I'm not telling you"
"Do you want to keep ****ing him?"
-"i think so"

For two weeks it went on like this. I got the truth in tiny bits and even more lies. At the time, i wanted details, which she lied about. One of those lies was how often they talked. She said it was 5-6 times a night.
So on July 12th, our anniversary , she sat on my lap and begged for forgiveness. I found it odd that she didn’t cry and I was but whatever. This was what was important. She swore to work on our marriage and get to the root of the problem. Our anniversary was also my birthday. We sat there and held one another.
A couple days later, none of it was sitting well with me. Nothing jived. 5-6 times of talking a night is enough to sleep with my wife? Why aren’t there more details?
I got into our AT&T account and looked at the numbers, found his (she still wasn’t telling me who it was) looked him up on facebook, found out he was married and how often they talked.
1400 texts in 6 weeks.
He was married.
She even talked to him on the day she sat on my lap. ON our anniversary. 
I looked up his wife, found out where she worked, and called her immediately at her workplace. 

For the next two weeks, his wife and I compared notes. They both lied to us about damn near everything.
I didn’t get the full truth unless it was confirmed by his wife. Come to find out, once busted, he told the truth while my wife continued to lie. 

I cut off that affair at the knees because he wanted his marriage.
Oddly enough, right around the same time their communication stopped, she showed remorse. That’s when she cried for us.
That was 2 and a half years ago.
Almost every day since she said I would never have to go through that again.
Well, I’m going through it again only this time, she is fierce about it. The only thing she learned from that was how to hide it better. 

For you, it was 3.5 years.
That’s 3.5 years of no remorse.
Untruth
Betrayal
All of it.
In 3.5 years the guilt, if she had any at all, wasn’t enough to make her stop.

If I could go back and change anything of what I went through, I would have either divorced her then or not be so easy on her. Forgiving her so easily gave her permission to do it again.
Your wife was going to leave you for him. In my opinion you should let him have her. That level of betrayal is too much. Everything about it is too over the top. I’m new here so my advice isn’t as good as the others PLUS my judgement is skewed because I’m going though it again. 
But, if I had to guess, I would guess that she will do it again. Its only a matter of time. 
And be careful of what you think. Having an open line of communication is great, but if something doesn’t feel right, don’t tip her off. You’ll just teach her to hide it better. Investigate first, talk later. 
Good luck man, I know its hard.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Good Guy said:


> So the OM was having sex with her while she was bleeding all over him? OR she made it all up? Which do you think is more likely? Did you see her have the operation? You can't believe ANYTHING she tells you unless you have seen it yourself. I'm not religious but now is the time to be Doubting Thomas.
> 
> 
> 
> _But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.
> 
> The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.
> 
> _
> 
> 
> 
> Be like Thomas.




I took her to the hospital and stayed with her


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## Cradleoffilth75

Graywolf2 said:


> Have your wife answer your questions in writing. She can give them verbally at the Monday meeting but have a written record. It’s easy to hedge verbally. People hear what they want to hear. In writing it has to be precise and you have a permanent record.




I've already said that to her. Write it down or you will forget stuff


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Hexagon said:


> When my wife admitted to her first affair. It started with an argument over something trivial over the phone. She said she couldn't take it anymore and that she was going to stay with her mother. She stated that I was to move out and she didn't want to be with me anymore. I could tell something was bubbling under the surface and asked what was really going on. I asked if there was someone else and pressured her to tell me the truth. After him-hawing around for a few minutes, she told me she had been having an affair for roughly a month. She refused to tell me who it was and angered easily. After two days of her keeping my daughter away from me I begged her to come home so that we could discuss it. So, she did. That night we wen't into my daughter's bedroom to talk.
> 
> "Who is it?"
> 
> -"I'm not telling you"
> 
> "Do you want to keep ****ing him?"
> 
> -"i think so"
> 
> 
> 
> For two weeks it went on like this. I got the truth in tiny bits and even more lies. At the time, i wanted details, which she lied about. One of those lies was how often they talked. She said it was 5-6 times a night.
> 
> So on July 12th, our anniversary , she sat on my lap and begged for forgiveness. I found it odd that she didn’t cry and I was but whatever. This was what was important. She swore to work on our marriage and get to the root of the problem. Our anniversary was also my birthday. We sat there and held one another.
> 
> A couple days later, none of it was sitting well with me. Nothing jived. 5-6 times of talking a night is enough to sleep with my wife? Why aren’t there more details?
> 
> I got into our AT&T account and looked at the numbers, found his (she still wasn’t telling me who it was) looked him up on facebook, found out he was married and how often they talked.
> 
> 1400 texts in 6 weeks.
> 
> He was married.
> 
> She even talked to him on the day she sat on my lap. ON our anniversary.
> 
> I looked up his wife, found out where she worked, and called her immediately at her workplace.
> 
> 
> 
> For the next two weeks, his wife and I compared notes. They both lied to us about damn near everything.
> 
> I didn’t get the full truth unless it was confirmed by his wife. Come to find out, once busted, he told the truth while my wife continued to lie.
> 
> 
> 
> I cut off that affair at the knees because he wanted his marriage.
> 
> Oddly enough, right around the same time their communication stopped, she showed remorse. That’s when she cried for us.
> 
> That was 2 and a half years ago.
> 
> Almost every day since she said I would never have to go through that again.
> 
> Well, I’m going through it again only this time, she is fierce about it. The only thing she learned from that was how to hide it better.
> 
> 
> 
> For you, it was 3.5 years.
> 
> That’s 3.5 years of no remorse.
> 
> Untruth
> 
> Betrayal
> 
> All of it.
> 
> In 3.5 years the guilt, if she had any at all, wasn’t enough to make her stop.
> 
> 
> 
> If I could go back and change anything of what I went through, I would have either divorced her then or not be so easy on her. Forgiving her so easily gave her permission to do it again.
> 
> Your wife was going to leave you for him. In my opinion you should let him have her. That level of betrayal is too much. Everything about it is too over the top. I’m new here so my advice isn’t as good as the others PLUS my judgement is skewed because I’m going though it again.
> 
> But, if I had to guess, I would guess that she will do it again. Its only a matter of time.
> 
> And be careful of what you think. Having an open line of communication is great, but if something doesn’t feel right, don’t tip her off. You’ll just teach her to hide it better. Investigate first, talk later.
> 
> Good luck man, I know its hard.




I'm so sorry that you are going through it again. I am willing to do the course of MG and will then make a decision then, or if goes ti ts up. 


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## Cradleoffilth75

Ok guys and girls, I'm going to sign of for a couple of days, need to process all this info for Mondays MG meeting and I'm working my ass off as well. Your info has been amazing and I've acted on a few things and now I feel a lot better for it, so thank you all for your much needed help. 
If anything changed I'll be right back on here.
Stay strong everyone

Cradle


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## 3Xnocharm

Great job, Cradle, high five!


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## eric1

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok guys and girls, I'm going to sign of for a couple of days, need to process all this info for Mondays MG meeting and I'm working my ass off as well. Your info has been amazing and I've acted on a few things and now I feel a lot better for it, so thank you all for your much needed help.
> If anything changed I'll be right back on here.
> Stay strong everyone
> 
> Cradle
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Good idea clearing the head. You are kicking ass!!!


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## Graywolf2

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I've already said that to her. Write it down or you will forget stuff.


You need to have and keep a copy of it. Don't treat them as notes that she wrote for herself so she didn't lose her place. She needs to give complete answers in writing for you.


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## Chaparral

It doesnt make any sense that she couldn't have sex with you but could fall in love with the other man and have sex with him.

Nothing is more common here than the wife cutting the husband off during an affair and having a ton of different excuses. The fact is they want to stay faithful to their affair partner and that fuels the affair especially for the other man. They get off on bumping you out of your place.

I the instances where the wife doesn't curtail sex with her husband, it usually turns out they weren't in love, just having sex with other men for kicks and giggles.

She was giving him sex one way or another, he did not have an affair for any other reason. If she doesn't admit that she's lying. She gave him pictures to tide him over lean times.


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## harrybrown

You do not leave.

Have her leave.

Talk to your attorney before you leave your home.

She is the one that cheated. She leaves.


----------



## jsmart

That's makes it that much worse. She cut him off sexually for 2 years to remain faithful to her real man. So common.

I remember a thread on LS by a WW that she said that her and OM talked about her having sex with her husband. The OM was saying she should so he won't be suspicious but she said she couldn't take one for the team. The team being OM and her, not her husband of 20 years and the father of their 2 kids. The thought of having relations with her husband was repulsive so she cut him off. Yet would complain about her husband anger issues. 

I'm glad you finally exposed but his wife's response seems like she was not that phased by it. Could be that she too was having an affair. 

You've made some progress but after such a long affair, you're wife is totally attached to OM and would probably find the idea of sex with you to be repulsive. She may give in but you'll get cold duty sex. Hence all the excuses of medical issues. I'd bet my next paycheck that they were having relations at least once a week. Probably a quick BJ in the car. Read the threads, WWs consistently get very wanton for their OM. 

You'll need to work on yourself. Build yourself up. Right now she's broken you to the point that you're rushing into R.


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## MovingForward

Marc878 said:


> Nope, you don't know what you're dealing with. Other man and your wife will take your lack of actions as a sign of weakness and keep on banging her at will.
> 
> Affairs are addictions you get the addict around the source you get relapse. The affair will continue. Just because you found out doesn't mean a thing.
> 
> Helping them hide their affair will just enable it further. I've seen this played before and the betrayed always ends up getting burned. Just as you're going to.
> 
> At this time your fear is defining you.


Listen to this guy he called it all for me over and over again. You need to expose it, win win all around for you. Do not let either of them get away with it otherwise you lose.


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## hylton7

put your foot down man


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## Cradleoffilth75

harrybrown said:


> You do not leave.
> 
> 
> 
> Have her leave.
> 
> 
> 
> Talk to your attorney before you leave your home.
> 
> 
> 
> She is the one that cheated. She leaves.




Doesn't work like that mate in the Army, it's all about welfare with us. I'm in military accommodation.

1/ I move out into single acc.
2/ wife then had 3 months to find alternative accommodation. 
3/ after that, I can apply to get a married acc house cause I have a son.


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## Cradleoffilth75

I guess the ow is in the denial stage now, she has changed her profile picture in FB! That's what I did. It's of her wedding day


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## dianaelaine59

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I guess the ow is in the denial stage now, she has changed her profile picture in FB! That's what I did. It's of her wedding day




Or making a statement to your wife.


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

dianaelaine59 said:


> Or making a statement to your wife.




They are not friends on FB. My wife has blocked her at my request. So if she puts anything on FB my wife can't be tagged in it.
The ow said she was not putting anything on FB so her friends and family don't know.
Social media is such a bad idea after an affair.


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## farsidejunky

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Doesn't work like that mate in the Army, it's all about welfare with us. I'm in military accommodation.
> 
> 1/ I move out into single acc.
> 2/ wife then had 3 months to find alternative accommodation.
> 3/ after that, I can apply to get a married acc house cause I have a son.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is absolutely correct. Housing is provided for the dependents more so than the soldier.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I guess the ow is in the denial stage now, she has changed her profile picture in FB! That's what I did. It's of her wedding day
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



what ever front she is putting up in the back of her mind she is dealing with a complete collapse of everything she knew to be true....i am sure you will hear from her in her own time.


----------



## Steve1000

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I guess the ow is in the denial stage now, she has changed her profile picture in FB! That's what I did. It's of her wedding day


While you're in the most difficult period of dealing with this, the fact that you can see how irrational OW's behavior is a good sign that you'll be able to make more rational decisions for yourself.


----------



## dawnabon

I wouldn't call that denial as much as a big F- You to your wife. 

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## Cradleoffilth75

farsidejunky said:


> This is absolutely correct. Housing is provided for the dependents more so than the soldier.




They have to think of all party's, I have a room where I can live, she has to find one. You also have to think of the children. I would never see my child without a home!


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## Cradleoffilth75

dawnabon said:


> I wouldn't call that denial as much as a big F- You to your wife.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk




Well if she doesn't contact me in a weeks time, I'll be sending over some incriminating evidence! Good idea? Or not?


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## Thor

Did she seem to believe you? Was there any discussion of further contact? Did you offer to give her proof? Did she say she already knew of the affair? Does she have a way to contact you if she wants to?

Generally, I would wait for her to ask for information before sending it to her. Unless you think she is getting gaslighted by her cheating husband, in which case you would be providing facts to refute his lies. Absent some evidence she is falsely believing the affair didn't happen, I would let her choose whether she wants more proof.

There's always the risk her husband or someone else intercepts whatever you send to her. If you send it to her work email, it could cause her problems at work especially if there are photos involved. Sending such information should be done in a way she agrees to ahead of time.


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## SunCMars

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I guess the ow is in the denial stage now, she has changed her profile picture in FB! That's what I did. *It's of her wedding day
> *
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She has retrograded to a pleasant point in her history. Her Windows 10 program to the world was rebooted to a safe *Restore Point.*...free of blood sucking, cheating viruses and cobwebs of deceit.

She was/is one PSI point below that point....where her pop-off [pressure relief-valve] releases her grey mood and grey matter on her crying towel. Her world has fallen in....onto her thin frail shoulders. Sigh :frown2:


----------



## Cradleoffilth75

Thor said:


> Did she seem to believe you? Was there any discussion of further contact? Did you offer to give her proof? Did she say she already knew of the affair? Does she have a way to contact you if she wants to?
> 
> I did leave her my number and if she needed any proof I would sent it to her if needed.
> I think she was in shock tbh, Christ if someone rang you up and told you that, I would be!
> 
> Generally, I would wait for her to ask for information before sending it to her. Unless you think she is getting gaslighted by her cheating husband, in which case you would be providing facts to refute his lies. Absent some evidence she is falsely believing the affair didn't happen, I would let her choose whether she wants more proof.
> 
> There's always the risk her husband or someone else intercepts whatever you send to her. If you send it to her work email, it could cause her problems at work especially if there are photos involved. Sending such information should be done in a way she agrees to ahead of time.







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## just got it 55

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Ok, my game plan is…
> 
> I'm leaving her a hand written letter for when she gets home tomorrow after work, this is how it goes…
> 
> Dear Wife
> 
> Inside this envelope is my wedding ring.
> 
> I feel that I don't deserve to wear this after what you have done to me. You have truly broken my heart and I hope that you never have to go through this pain. I really want you to think about what you want within this marriage and try to understand what you have to do to keep me as your husband.
> 
> Infidelity is the worst thing that anyone can do to another person and I don't understand why you would want to hurt me in that way. What have I ever done to you to warrant that?
> 
> All you ever needed is to cry for help and I'd be there in a shot.
> 
> I will except some of the responsibility of our break down in the marriage, but, I will never except any responsibility for your infidelity, that and that alone was your choice and your choice alone. You have never opened up your heart to me ever and truly told me your feeling.
> 
> By the time you read this letter, I will have informed His wife! I feel it is the only decent thing to do, considering what has happened.
> Renewing his wedding vows whilst having relations with you is more despicable than just infidelity. This poor women must know what sort of man he really is!
> 
> I don't know where the future lies for us, but I what you to be true to yourself and ask, do I really see a future with me? Can you really make a difference to convince me that you want to be with me and never do this heinous act again.
> 
> I will always love you to the bottom of my heart and we have had some amazing times in the 18 years we have been together.
> 
> What ever your decision make the right choice for you and you alone.
> 
> All my love
> Rob
> 
> Classic Nice Guy 101
> 
> 55
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## just got it 55

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> She had been going (and still going) through women's problems. The most she bleed for was 60 days. She had also had an operation to stop this but not worked. She knows that a hysterectomy is going to have to happen. She also has a very bad back problem, which she will have for the rest of her life. She is also going through the menopause for the last 3 years!
> Not that I will ever condone what she has done, maybe with all these contributing factors, that's why she did what she did. Also being away on ops in Afghan for 6 months at a time, coming home for a month then going back out again for 3 months will definitely take it toll, it did with me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Cradle you need to get out of this way of thinking

3.5 year affair ??? where were her problems during this time:surprise:

Good Job on exposing 

Take back control

55


----------



## drifting on

Cradle

Something just to mull over in your mind. My uncle did three tours in Vietnam, upon his return he wouldn't wear his dress uniform as he was often called a baby killer. He has never once been ashamed of his service for his country. He was drafted, didn't enlist, but even still fought for his country. It hasn't been but for the last eight to ten years that people now approve of his service. Personally, I have a deep respect for our men and women in the service. What you do is amazing to me, and I know the sacrifices you all make without a second thought.

Most people now have respect for our service men and women, they are appreciated much more. It would be easy in my eyes to shame both your wife and OM into becoming a hermit if such news were made public. The public would shame them as you are a service member. I wonder if OM has ever thought what people would say and think of him if it went public? Especially if you are in or near a military town. What would happen if OM's employer were to find out of this affair? If near a military town I'm sure most military personnel would avoid this company, don't you? Perhaps you should meet OM unexpectedly and let him in on this little bit of information. Just may stop this OM from dating another military wife.


----------



## TaDor

eric1 said:


> Listen to Tador, he comes from experience. You think your mess is crazy? Go read his thread.
> 
> Anyhow we definitely are abstracted away from your situation. That's a huge plus. Nearly all of our advice is structured so that you can emotionally detach to a level whereby you can start making decisions based on logic rather than emotion.
> 
> You are very raw right now and that comes across clearly. Things such as exposure and the 180 are specifically designed to STOP the madness. To stop your world from spinning.


HEY! At least my WW affair was about 6~8 weeks old before office D-Day. I was gas-lit for 5 weeks or so when I felt-things were wrong. It's been over a year. We don't do the things we used to do. 

There are people who have had it far worse than me or the OP. Hell, people have died or been killed because of infidelity.

PS: Cradleoffilth75, I'd personally and publicly say that Eric1 have given me a lot of punches. While nobody is right 100% all the time. He's been right on many things in dealing with my own nightmare.
Its so heard when your brain and heart is so hurt. If I ever go through such a thing again - I'm going to be a nightmare to her/anyone and be done. Just done. I won't allow anyone to hurt me like that again.

With what I seen here, how things turned out... how my wife turned into my enemy.
Your wife is done. COntinue to do the plans to move out and her find her own place. If she really wants you back, she'll fight for you.
I don't see that happening.


----------



## Jasel

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Well if she doesn't contact me in a weeks time, I'll be sending over some incriminating evidence! Good idea? Or not?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Really you should always expose with evidence on hand. I actually recommend _against _exposure unless you have concrete and irrefutable proof that you can give whoever you feel the need to because it always turns into a he said/she said situation otherwise. And cheaters can give Oscar worthy performances when it comes to lying.

Either she doesn't care that her husband is cheating or more likely he gas lit the hell out of her and lied to protect his own ass. He probably has his wife thinking you and yours are crazy.

Don't wait a week. Send her all the evidence you have ASAP.


----------



## eric1

TaDor said:


> HEY! At least my WW affair was about 6~8 weeks old before office D-Day. I was gas-lit for 5 weeks or so when I felt-things were wrong. It's been over a year. We don't do the things we used to do.
> 
> 
> 
> There are people who have had it far worse than me or the OP. Hell, people have died or been killed because of infidelity.
> 
> 
> 
> PS: Cradleoffilth75, I'd personally and publicly say that Eric1 have given me a lot of punches. While nobody is right 100% all the time. He's been right on many things in dealing with my own nightmare.
> 
> Its so heard when your brain and heart is so hurt. If I ever go through such a thing again - I'm going to be a nightmare to her/anyone and be done. Just done. I won't allow anyone to hurt me like that again.
> 
> 
> 
> With what I seen here, how things turned out... how my wife turned into my enemy.
> 
> Your wife is done. COntinue to do the plans to move out and her find her own place. If she really wants you back, she'll fight for you.
> 
> I don't see that happening.




Ha! Nobody takes a well-intentioned punch better than you bud.


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## Cradleoffilth75

I have sh1t loads of evidence, in fact too much!
Should I send evidence to her or not, or let her make the next move. I'm not going to send her pictures, I'm not that much of a mf. I've read your post Jasel thanks


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## farsidejunky

Never show your sources. Never.

However, you can make statements of fact based on what you know. Just don't reference from where it came.


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## Cradleoffilth75

farsidejunky said:


> Never show your sources. Never.
> 
> However, you can make statements of fact based on what you know. Just don't reference from where it came.




The problem is, is I don't show om's wife screen shots from my wife and om, she won't believe me!


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## Cradleoffilth75

farsidejunky said:


> Never show your sources. Never.
> 
> However, you can make statements of fact based on what you know. Just don't reference from where it came.




The problem with that is, if I don't send the screenshots of other man and my wife having conversations on WhatsApp she's never going to believe me


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## Thor

It isn't your responsibility to make her believe it. However, you should provide enough evidence to show it is a real affair. Offer to provide her with everything you have, but let her decide how much she wants.

As to revealing your sources, it is important the cheaters don't know how you found out if you are doing something sneaky. For example, a voice recorder in her car. But if all you've done is take screen shots of conversations on her phone it is not an unexpected thing for you to have seen her phone. Once the cheaters find out how you know what is going on, they'll go to a different method of communications. So the risk of showing the screen shots is they move to a different platform. Maybe a burner phone. Maybe one of those apps where the messages are automatically deleted.

Usually it is best if you can come up with a plausible alternate story. A friend of yours saw them out at the bar together. You hired a PI who followed them. Something like that. But in your case you can't really explain the screenshots with something like that.

I don't think you have much to lose by revealing some of the screen shots to OM's W. Your wife isn't denying an affair, so from your position it doesn't matter she knows you've seen the messages.

Do you think the OM's W would want you to contact her again? If she's told you not to contact her, then I would not contact her. If you think she would be ok with it, I would send a small selection of proof-positive screenshots.


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## eric1

I disagree. I think it's ok sending screen caps and stuff to the other betrayed. Ask them to not reveal their sources as well. Even if they do exposure is still way way more important.

At this point there should be an open device policy anyways


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## badmemory

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> The problem with that is, if I don't send the screenshots of other man and my wife having conversations on WhatsApp she's never going to believe me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OP,

I know what's to like to deal with a POSOM's wife who buries her head in the sand; and I know it's incredibly frustrating. You want so badly to reek havoc on his marriage, just like he did yours. But over the years I've finally come to terms with it. There are a certain percentage of OM's wives who choose to remain in permanent denial. Sounds like you're dealing with one here.

All you can do is tell her about the A and offer proof is she wants it. Then focus on your wife instead of his.


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## wmn1

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> The problem with that is, if I don't send the screenshots of other man and my wife having conversations on WhatsApp she's never going to believe me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


hey I was in court today because our court security team was backed up (low on personnel). They allowed into evidence screenshots. Screenshots mean a lot.


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## Be smart

Sorry you are here my Friend. 

Affair never stopped. You know this,right? They work together and what goes there only the two of them knows. 

You are doing things the wrong way. First you need to stop making excuses for your Wife. She cheated and it is her fault,not yours. Having health issues is not a reason to have a long time Affair. In your case it is even worse. She cut you off from sex saying she was sick,but she was ready to be with OM. No kisses,hugs,sex. What is her explanation of this? She shows you no Respect my Friend. 

Dont forget she wanted to be with OM only if he was ready to leave his Wife.

Expose them,dont be afraid. Tell your Family,close Friends. Go to their Job. 

Considering your History I belive this was not her first Affair. 

Stay strong.


----------



## bandit.45

On a side note, you use an interesting TAM name OP. Cradeloffilth... hmm.

Do you see yourself as a cradle of filth...whatever that is...or are you a fan of the goth/metal band by that name? The name that a member chooses for himself/herself can be very telling of how they percieve themselves. 

I've never been inclined to name myself "Basket of Sh*t" or "Lord of Loathing"....

Just asking...just want to crawl inside your head a bit.


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## Cradleoffilth75

bandit.45 said:


> On a side note, you use an interesting TAM name OP. Cradeloffilth... hmm.
> 
> Do you see yourself as a cradle of filth...whatever that is...or are you a fan of the goth/metal band by that name? The name that a member chooses for himself/herself can be very telling of how they percieve themselves.
> 
> I've never been inclined to name myself "Basket of Sh*t" or "Lord of Loathing"....
> 
> Just asking...just want to crawl inside your head a bit.




I'm a big fan of the metal band mate, since they first started 


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## Taxman

As long as the screencaps are not used as evidence in court, (the conversation in text form can be subpoena'ed, usually in criminal matters). Therefore, OP, it is in your best interest and the better interest of the OBS to share these conversations. The sooner, the better. Let both of them have to fend off angry spouses and court actions. Will look real good on them.


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## JohnA

Did I misread a post from you about the conversation with OBS? I thought I read her husband was more truthful to his wife then your wife was to you. 

In any event if you made it clear to her she could contact you in the future then drop the matter with her. Her life, her choice, just as your life is your own and your son's. Note: I did not add wife to your life. If you reconcile then she is included. 

Finally, the wedding ring you are wearing is not your's, it is your wife's. Just as the ring she wears is your's You gave it to each other to wear as a symbol of each of your's love and devotion. Hmm, guess her's (the one you wear) is not worth much from that point of view.


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## TDSC60

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> If your going to comment on my feed, at least read the whole feed first!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry. I got this thread confused with another one. I apologize.


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## Cradleoffilth75

I did send the other mans wife a text, 
I'm sorry to bother you under these circumstances. This is very a personal question, have you had unprotected sex with your husband in the last 3 years? I have not had sex with my wife for over 2 years. Again sorry for disturbing you.
Just trout I'd ask the question, I've had no response! My wife is having a STI test though. The MG is going really well, we are sorting out lots of **** that we have never done in the past. I've still not made any final decisions to the marriage, but for now it's going well. I still have my off days as to be expected.


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## Cradleoffilth75

My wife has had a STI test and all is clear. I have also had a DNA test on my son, he is mine! She has also left her job and got another. Marriage guidance is also going very well. Things are looking up.
I have sent all pictures and texts to the ow, she has now told me not to contact her ever again, fair play to her. 


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## Lostinthought61

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> My wife has had a STI test and all is clear. I have also had a DNA test on my son, he is mine! She has also left her job and got another. Marriage guidance is also going very well. Things are looking up.
> I have sent all pictures and texts to the ow, she has now told me not to contact her ever again, fair play to her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Well played sir, and the OMW is clearly not ready to handle the truth and so would rather live in denial, you on the other hand are addressing it appropriately. i wish you the best of luck, what ever the out come. 

BTW have you asked your wife how she would have handled it if you were the one who had the affair?


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## MattMatt

*Moderator reminder:-*

Folks, please be mindful that the pathway that some people take away from their spouse's infidelity can be many and varied.

Some go for divorce, some for reconciliation and some are somewhere in between.

If someone will not do exactly what you did, that doesn't mean they are bad or stupid or just plain wrong and pigheaded.

It just means they are doing what they feel is right for them.

So, if they do something you do not approve of for example reconcile with a cheating spouse, please do not name call, do not use insulting terms, do not attempt to belittle them or shame them.


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## Chaparral

Good luck Cradle and thank you for your service. 

I hope you make it but staying inthe marriage is your call now and always will be. Some folks make it and some folks simply can't.


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## knobcreek

should've read the whole thread, deleted.


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## lordmayhem

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I have sent all pictures and texts to the ow, she has now told me not to contact her ever again, fair play to her.


For all you know, the OM intercepted those messages and sent that message to you. This happened to one of our members a while back. He thought he was sending the messages to the OMW, but in fact, the OM had been intercepting the messages, and the OMW didn't actually get them. Later on, our guy was able to get into real contact with the OMW and she was shocked.


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## Vinnydee

I knew a wife who cheated on her husband for 10 years with one guy and then after he dumped her, she started up with a new boyfriend. It is not uncommon to have a spouse, both male and female, who cheats a long time. They are usually married to people who believe that their spouse would never cheat on them. I have know quite a few spouses like that. Since my ex fiancee cheated on me I have a healthy dose of distrust. I never thought my ex would cheat with one of my best friends so I missed the signs like her making up an excuse why she could not see me that Saturday. I never asked what she did on those nights that we did not go out on dates. She was banging my friend and in retrospect I ignored the glances they gave each other or how much time she spent talking to him at parties. No more.


----------



## vanlearron

Thor said:


> A big part of a successful reconciliation is the cheater has to hit rock bottom. They have to utterly capitulate. Part of that process is them being hit with a 2x4 with how devastating their actions have been to you.
> 
> One way to demonstrate how she has totally destroyed trust is for you to do a paternity test on the child, and tell her ahead of time you are doing it. Unless you used in-vitro fertilization, you cannot know 100% the child is yours. Now the circumstances of his conception may be totally convincing that he is yours, and you may totally (and correctly) believe the child is yours. Doing the paternity test is part of the shock and awe strategy you should be using.
> 
> You cannot Nice her back into the marriage. She has to feel horrible to her core about what she has done. She has to truly wonder how she was able to do such a terrible thing. This is why you shock and awe. This is why you expose her affair to her family and ask them to support you in ensuring the affair is over. This is why she must get a new job asap. This is why she must cut out anybody from her life who knew of the affair along the way.
> 
> Filing for divorce and making her fight her way back into the marriage is a strong tactic, too.
> 
> Playing calm and nice with her is pretty much the wrong approach to killing an affair.


old pal,, i read pages of these dumba** replies to you until i got to this one,, then i felt (for some stupid reason) i had to sign up to this site to add my 2 cents. First i would like to say I'm sorry you have to go through this,, i vividly remember how this is the first bad experience a man encounters that seems like you might not survive from. Somehow, this event is by far the deepest pain that has hit a man up to this point, strangely even worse than the pain of the death of a loved one or friend, because usually a man has resolved that death is inevitable as a part of life, though painful and sad it is a inescapable part of life. That's because if you really loved your wife before you married her, you felt the strangest feeling towards her that besides your mother, finally there was only one female that you thought you could actually trust, to share your hopes and dreams, fears and triumphs, and all your bad's as well as your goods with for the rest of your life, and maybe, as a male, which usually feel alone and UN trusting anyway, might,,just might,, be able to count on if he really needed help from anyone, especially a woman, without the need of asking for it, because she knew that you had let your guard down completely and opened your heart to a female for the first time in your life, with that deep down sheer terror that she was the only thing on the planet that could possibly get close enough to the part of a man that is a man that cant be hurt or even touched at all by any other man or beast alive,,,, only to find in the blink of an eye,,,, that your deep down fear males dont speak of that you really are alone and cant trust anyone but yourself,,,ever,,, was true,, and im sorry to tell you this buddy,,,,but there is absolutely ,positively,, nothing that she (or any other woman) can say or do that will ever give you that feeling back again.I know that's a devastating thing to find out, but i promise you will also come to realize, that sadly, its the truth. And not only as this guy says,You cannot Nice her back into the marriage, you cant shock and awe her back into it either. unfortunately, the marriage you had with her is gone forever. You might stay married to her, or let her stay married to you, but i promise it will never be the same,,not just with her but any other woman,because males don't think they will ever have these feelings for a female until you do, but you only get that feeling once,,and then it will be something different from then on. if you stay with her , your feelings for her will turn to a bad,dark, hate for her you wouldn't have believed you would ever feel toward a woman, especially this one you loved. It doesn't happen suddenly,, it will take a long,slow time, and then you'll realize suddenly you have a deep down sick feeling toward her with the thought of her man toy and her sweating up her car windows and their naked sticky asses stuck to her seats while hes plowing your woman in the car you ride in with her sometimes and it will eat at you like a cancer on your soul that their ain't no chemo for, I don't know how many of these stooges have been through this, but from these free-kin crazy posts, it doesn't seem like many have, because their talking out of their as*ses. I went through this the first time with my wife over 6 years ago and i can tell you some truth about what your up against.First, All the crap about you getting control, or power from outing this to, or keeping this from anyone is crazy. Your wife took all the control and all the power from you when she decided to cheat from day one. Although i agree you have to tell her f*&% buddies wife about it, it wont give you back any measure of control or power back, that's out of your hands now, but she has to be told so she can start exacting her vengeance on your wife's bed buddy from her end so he can start the process of being miserable like you, why should he get any breaks. Besides that, you'll find out later that unless someone moves away, you might get to enjoy the chance to punish him more yourself at a later date,ha-ha, believe me,, that can be lots of fun. I don't know what you will do,,but what i ended up doing is keeping my cheating *****, because i have kids with mine that needed a mother and it was a package deal, but the only way i could keep from choking the life out of mine was to accept the fact that she had opened or marriage and i try to bang every piece of tail i can while trying to keep my hand capped over her cave as often as i can,you just have to accept that her fidelity is gone and you cannot and will not trust her alone again,so if you keep her you will be getting sloppy seconds sometime in your future, and if you go down on her and taste salty clams its a sure sign some other guy is helping you keep it from growing over,,,sorry this is so long,, i just needed to share some real feelings with others for the first time,,,thanks,,and good luck


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## vanlearron

its almost always the friend,aint it


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## Cradleoffilth75

Lostinthought61 said:


> Well played sir, and the OMW is clearly not ready to handle the truth and so would rather live in denial, you on the other hand are addressing it appropriately. i wish you the best of luck, what ever the out come.
> 
> 
> 
> BTW have you asked your wife how she would have handled it if you were the one who had the affair?




Yes I have asked her that question. She said that she did not know as she has not been put in that situation. She has seen the hurt and pain that she has caused me and could not comprehend what I have/going through.



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## Lostinthought61

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> Yes I have asked her that question. She said that she did not know as she has not been put in that situation. She has seen the hurt and pain that she has caused me and could not comprehend what I have/going through.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



perhaps you should have said in passing maybe one day you will find out and leave it at that.


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## TaDor

vanlearron, while very emotional and honestly raw. I think he's correct.

It's always up to you how to handle it. But yeah.... 18 months of (R) = I love my wife. I want to be with her forever. But I don't know or bet that it will happen. The weeks leading up to D-Day were harsh, actual D-Days hurt like a severe *****. Before then, I never had such thoughts of DOUBT in my mind about my wife, the person I trusted with my heart who I felt most at ease with.

The loss of trust, of someone who should always have your back... hurts a lot when they put a knife in it.

R is *NOT* easy. It's a journey... that is not fun. Lucky for her, there are many good qualities I like about her... but the one bad one is a doozy.


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## NJ2

Everyone will respond the same and differently to finding out their spouse had an affair. The pain cannot be imagined unless you have been through it. I had an A 25 years ago. At the time it didnt feel "wrong" as it was servicing my immature and selfish needs. When I stopped it, it was because I recognized somewhere deep in a small crevice of my sane mind that what I was doing was evil and an abomination to my H. I disclosed to H a few years ago. It hit him like a million bricks. He went through everything you are going through but wanted to R-most of the time. I disclosed because I thought he was having an EA/PA. If I had had any idea of the level of raw pain and anguish even a suspected EA/PA has I never would have done what I did. 

If every potential WS could feel that raw -obliterating grief it would knock the rainbows and unicorns right out of their dark souls. I dont know how you can get them to understand that pain other than an RA but that doesnt help things if you are considering R. 

My H decided to forgive me. He went to his church to help with that. We have been to MC/IC. He understands that to hate someone else is like him eating poison and expecting the other person to die. There is much love between us. There has been struggles along the way (I've developed OCD surrounding his EA/PA- I never found proof and feel compelled to prove it one way or another- I decided either way I would forgive him and I am working on dealing with the OCD) 

He says in some ways this has improved our marriage. We know each other in a deeper way and make an effort to meet each others needs. We actually know what each others needs are. We have a life ahead of us that can be filled with shared experiences -watching our kids and eventually our grandkids grow up. We have shared almost 40 years of our lives together. Do we want to start over with someone new? Do we want to lose all the love that we have found?

Ask yourself are you better off with or without her. Know that you have the rest of your life to make the decision. You can change your mind if you decide differently in the future. You do have power and control over your own feelings and actions. It sounds like you have enough love to make an R work if that is your decision. It wont be easy- but it may be worth it to you. 
@vanlearron - I am so sorry for your pain. You sound like it is a hot knife that stabs you without end. No one should be in such continuous agony. I am ashamed that I did that very thing that caused you such hell to someone I love. 
You do have control and power over your own emotions and actions you just need help to get there. Please try some IC. Think about "hating someone else is like eating poison and expecting them to die" Its true. Its killing you. Dont be too proud to ask for help.


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## Cradleoffilth75

lordmayhem said:


> For all you know, the OM intercepted those messages and sent that message to you. This happened to one of our members a while back. He thought he was sending the messages to the OMW, but in fact, the OM had been intercepting the messages, and the OMW didn't actually get them. Later on, our guy was able to get into real contact with the OMW and she was shocked.




I spoke to her direct in the phone.


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## lordmayhem

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I spoke to her direct in the phone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh well, some people can't handle the truth. That's how it goes sometimes.


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## Cradleoffilth75

I have to say that after 6 months of working things out, my life with my wife is working out really well. Sometimes reconciliation does not work, but in this case it's working. I know this is hard for some people but the MG it's really working. I just hope that this continues! 



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## TX-SC

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I have to say that after 6 months of working things out, my life with my wife is working out really well. Sometimes reconciliation does not work, but in this case it's working. I know this is hard for some people but the MG it's really working. I just hope that this continues!
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Great, glad to hear things are going well for you!


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## colingrant

People have different interpretations and meanings of commonly used phrases or words. One I subecribe to is an affair last months, but 3.5 years is an extramarital relationship, which is at a much deeper level. It's a full blown relationship, with it's ups and downs, just like a husband and wife experience. Christmas gift exchanges, romantic interludes, lust, normal discussions, the whole nine yards. With you being gone so frequently, it'll be really hard for her to permanently sever her ties with her AP. I feel bad for you because you're serving our country, however cannot do so stress free due to wondering about your wife.


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## jinkazama

Good for you.

Some people can R . Some cannot R


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## poida

As someone who chose D, 4 years later I find the whole concept of staying with someone fascinating. Personally, I think that people can change some aspects of their personality or learn about themselves, but personally I think that the traits that allowed the person to cheat usually run deep and are well ingrained. For many, those traits come from childhood experiences.

So, Cradle whilst I applaud your resilience and decision to stay and R, my advice would be the keep an open mind to the possibility that regression is entirely likely.

But I wish you all the well and if you do indeed have a wife capable of change and towing the line to R properly, then I have to respect that. We all make mistakes.


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## CantBelieveThis

Cradleoffilth75 said:


> I have to say that after 6 months of working things out, my life with my wife is working out really well. Sometimes reconciliation does not work, but in this case it's working. I know this is hard for some people but the MG it's really working. I just hope that this continues!
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Hmm... Way too soon I think for that level optimism, took me 3 yrs to get there in R. Just watch your six, don't be too naive, and expect ups N downs

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## BadGrammar

You, my friend are a fool. Living in the mental construct that delivers the least pain.


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