# Treating Depression with Talk Therapy?



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My wife suffers from depression. I've gotten a bunch of help on this forum, and have an couples therapy appointment scheduled. She has a talk therapist who I kind of made her go to. I thought we were going together, but the therapist wanted to see my wife alone. She suggested another therapist for the two of us. It's booked. 

I think I'm doing the right thing, but it took some convincing to get my wife to agree. Her therapist (well the forced one)told me to call this coupes therapist, but my wife feels like she was left out of the decision. I'm really thinking I have to ignore my wife's opinions because they don't seem real. It seems like it's more a product of the depression. 

For example, we'll have an easily solvable issue, but she'll reject every easy solution and getting increasingly agitated over it. OR if we do come up with a solution she'll point to something unrelated in her past that is making her think this way. A moving goalpost. So I cannot logic this out. 

But... For depression, is there anything that could be said to someone to make them understand what's going on? Or is it something that cannot be figured out with logic? Is it only treatable with medicine? We're still going to go to the couples therapist, but I'm wondering if I need to be paying more attention to the antidepressants she's taking. 

I'm unfortunately realizing that even if I give her everything she asks for she'll still be unhappy and blame me.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

In my opinion you are doing it exactly right. I have lots of first and second-hand experience with depression treatment over the past 20 years. I think talk therapy works much better than medication. In fact, I have my doubts that any of medications work at all - except for the crappy side effects.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

Yes you should consider a different antidepressant if the one she is taking is not having good results. 

There's lots of different types and they don't work the same for everyone. 

The wrong medication can make things worse, the right medication can do wonders.


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## thebard77 (May 24, 2015)

Whether to treat depression with medication, talk or behavior therapy has everything to do with the individual. For some depression is purely chemical and there is no talk therapy in the world that will fix this issue. For others, some behaviors lead to depression and anxiety and a combination of medication/talk/and behavioral therapy can solve the problem. the problem with many medications for depression is that they all do not work on everyone the same way. One thing you can consider:

I do not know your financial situation or the cost but I would consider looking into CYP450 genotyping. It is a test which will determine how your body will react to certain medications. One of my colleagues recommended this to one of his patients and the results listed medications which would work well for her depression.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My ex dealt with depression his entire adult life, in different intensities. When it was a mild form of depression, medication alone-for him Paxil, seemed to work fine.

When it was severe, with other issues like anxiety and psychosis, medication alone failed him and I had to insist on a combination of meds/talk for any help. And even then it was a while before the right combination of meds resulted in any beneficial results. Everyone is different and responds differently. When your mind is clouded with illness, you're right, logic will fail you. You can't reason someone out of depression since it is fundamentally a chemical imbalance. Sometimes it can be resolved and not return, other times it will be a lifetime journey.
Good luck.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Hello OP. Depression within a marriage is hard, and It may sound harsh but you must love yourself first. There will be very little you can do to make her happy. Only thing that helps them is to loose yourself and agree with everything she says which will not last forever. Meds works but it has it's side affects that may cause other issues within marriage. 


Bottom line you have 2 options. Leave and enjoy the life you have left, or sacrifice yourself and stick it out with the wife but. After years of dealing with it, there is no cure and it is not our job to make anyone happy. It's supposed to come from within. At least thats what I tell myself.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

My husband has depression. It is so hard!! I totally relate to what you're going through.. my husband is on and off meds all the time, and refuses to go to therapy.

Our last "big talk" about the depression, I think, had an impact on him. I was able to explain to him, in the simplest terms I could, the cycle he goes through. I told him, "When you're going into a bad spell.. I always know because you start complaining of aches and pains; that lasts about a week. After that, you start separating yourself from the family and the world.. you refuse to leave the house, you blah blah blah... After a week or two of that, you start lashing out at me; and start blaming me for things that are out of my control"

When I was able to show him that... even draw it out like a picture... I saw something click in him. He told me he's never noticed a cycle, and doesn't know what's happening when it's happening.

I would also like to suggest that you start viewing your wife and her depression as 2 different beings. That's what I do and it helped BIG time. So when my husband starts lashing out and calls me names, I can say to myself, "that's not him saying that. it's the depression. my husband would never say that to me" .... of course, I realize this can only so far; afterall, maybe it's not HIM saying it... but it still comes from HIS mouth and he needs to be held accountable for that.

It's incredibly hard to get through to a depressive when they feel pressured or forced. Last month, I told my husband that I would no longer to the leg work for him. If HE wanted to get better, HE had to make the calls... HE had to PICK UP the phone. If he didn't do any of that, I would leave him. He asked me for help, and I said no. As long as you do all the work... they aren't focused on getting better... they are going through the motions that your guiding them through.. and that almost NEVER works out. He asked me , "how do I do this? where do I start?" and I said, "if you want it, you'll figure it out. IT"S THE HARDEST THING I"VE EVER DONE... said no to helping or supporting him. But ya know what? He figured it out.

I suggest you read some books on being married to a depressive... go to therapy by yourself. People like you and me are NOT in an easy spot. Good luck!


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Sad thing is after a while, we are the ones that end up depressed over time entertaining there outbreaks. 

Wow. I didn't know so many went tru what I did.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

As long as you agree that it's a medical condition like diabetes or pneumonia but whatever works, works. And it really doesn't matter what works as long as it works. If talk works, great. If not or only partially, then change something or add something. Approach it scientifically.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

You are right that as a spouse there is probably very little you can do to apply reason or logic to guide her out of her depression. I've had lots experience with it and I'm personally skeptical of open ended "talk therapy" just as I am with meds as a cure-all. 

But if she can get meds or talk therapy to at least raise with depression from severe to moderate, CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a skill that many people have used successfully over the longer term.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> My wife suffers from depression. I've gotten a bunch of help on this forum, and have an couples therapy appointment scheduled. She has a talk therapist who I kind of made her go to. I thought we were going together, but the therapist wanted to see my wife alone. She suggested another therapist for the two of us. It's booked.
> 
> I think I'm doing the right thing, but it took some convincing to get my wife to agree. Her therapist (well the forced one)told me to call this coupes therapist, but my wife feels like she was left out of the decision. I'm really thinking I have to ignore my wife's opinions because they don't seem real. It seems like it's more a product of the depression.
> 
> ...


Well done, you've manage to isolate some of the major issues facing us people who are depressed.

It's like quicksand that you just can't get away from, when you move, you trip and bog down. Every time you think the past jumps up sucks you in. in the end it gets easier just to let the dog hound you down in to a dark withdrawn hole and ,if you can, turn off your feelings to shut off the disappointment at yourself and the world, and the pain and frustration.

Simply goals, baby steps. little successes that regain faith in themselves. Watchout for burnout (google the symptoms). After a while enough success will get the person functional again, and they'll be able to hold things together better.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Thanks for all of the advice. Tomorrow is the appointment.


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