# What do women think when they stop sex



## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

A Question for the ladies-

My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. She stopped it, and quite frankly, right now I resent her more than I have ever resented anyone, and she wonders why. 

What do women think a man should do regarding sex when they shut it down ? What do you expect the man ? And no, I haven't cheated. I now think about it more than ever, but what do you think when you cut it off ?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Check out marriedmansexlife.com


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Not a lady, but I had some long sexless stretches myself. She has lost sexual desire and respect for you. Not your fault, not completely, but you did let it happen by letting it go this long. You need to tell her how important an intimate relationship is with her and that you expect her to find a solution with you. 

A lot of time it comes down to you making a decision that you will not put up with it any more, you deserve a loving relationship and you are going to have one. It is up to your wife if that loving relationship is with her.]


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

hubby said:


> Not a lady, but I had some long sexless stretches myself. She has lost sexual desire and respect for you. Not your fault, not completely, but you did let it happen by letting it go this long. You need to tell her how important an intimate relationship is with her and that you expect her to find a solution with you.
> 
> A lot of time it comes down to you making a decision that you will not put up with it any more, you deserve a loving relationship and you are going to have one. It is up to your wife if that loving relationship is with her.]


:iagree:

There will have to be changes on both sides, but right now you need to initiate the change. It's up to her if she's going to follow and step up as well.

ETA: I read your post back from December...you were pretty frustrated. That was several months ago and you got some good advice...have you made any changes that were suggested?


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

Thank you for your reply, I did initiate some changes - She knows where I stand on things and will not tolerate ANY crap; however, I find it very difficult to walk out. 

She cuts on me me every possible time she can. I believe she feels like it justifies her actions now and in the past. She is very stubborn, and would never never admit she made a mistake.

I am a pretty good looking guy ( I am told so ) and have no lack of interest from women. I jut find the whole situation very %$#@$%. Last weekend I felt close to her as we went shopping together, but she yelled @ me while putting the items away.

I hate my situation, but again, find it very difficult to leave.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Maybe she feels insecure, doesn't think you find her attractive enough? Have you criticized her appearance? Has she lost respect for you? Why did she yell at you and how did you handle it? Did you say I understand that you are upset about _____ but you will not talk to me that way? 

There could be so many reasons.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When my libido would suffer it is usually cause we were having problems in our marriage. At our worst we were having sex 2x a week and he said that wasn't enough. I cannot at all imagine not having sex with a spouse for 2 yrs. When we got into a fight before we separated, the longest we went was about 2.5 weeks. In 7 yrs.

You should DEFINITELY talk to her about this!


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

No woman is going to have sex with a man that will put up with her yelling at you for how you put her items away which shopping with her. You are being her bit*h (i say that because iI was one for 11 years). Not very attractive. While some girls are into that, I suspect your wife is not. You need to shake up her world. She will appreciate it in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Although I've never been volatile(as your wife appears to be) and would never treat my husband the way she treats you, I have a tendency to be edgy and sarcastic at times with my husband. For years, he put up with it and that was a big problem. In my eyes, that made him *weak* for allowing him to treat him with sarcasm and occasional disrespect. I _wanted_ him to stand up to me and tell me to back down. I guess those were my subconcious ways of testing how strong he was up against me. You are currently failing on all accounts. You do tolerate crap. Grow a backbone and put your foot down. She wants to see you be strong and demand respect. It's that simple. _That_ is attractive to a woman.


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

I have put my foot down to the point we now live in separate rooms, don't speak for days, etc etc. I don't believe in yelling or cussing at people. I won't stoop to her level. I don't think being personally critical of someone @ that level is going to fix the issue. 

I got fed up with her crap before and moved out for 6 months a year ago.

I think she has serious mental depression issues and needs someone to blame all her lifes shortcomings on and that is me. And how does one fixthat ?

I guess the underlying question is does one just say Screw it, or ???


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

How did you respond when she yelled at you while shopping the other day?


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

I took the dog for a walk, and didn't speak to her for 2 days.

She says she doesn't yell, but all her friends see it and tell me they don't know how I put up with it.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Being passive and turning the other cheek (that is what you are doing when you "walk the dog") will not get you anywhere. 

If I were treated that way I would have QUICKLY, calmly with direct eye contact told her I would not put up with that, ever. Then I would give her a nice spank on the ass and told her she looked good in that dress. You can skip the second part for now 

Simple answer, don't give up yet until you have exhausted every option. But don't stick to the same tactics for too long if they don't work. Remember the definition of "crazy": doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Jeep73170 said:


> I took the dog for a walk, and didn't speak to her for 2 days.
> 
> She says she doesn't yell, but all her friends see it and tell me they don't know how I put up with it.


So your current methods of setting boundaries are avoiding confrontation and walking away passively? You need to go back and re-read the advice you were given last December. I know you think you're following that advice, but you're missing key points.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

hubby said:


> If I were treated that way I would have QUICKLY, claimly with direct eye contact told her I would not put up with that, ever. Then I would give her a nice spank on the ass and told her she looked good in that dress. You can skip the second part for now


Bahahahaha! LOVE this!  I would probably stare at my husband with my jaw on the floor for awhile if he did this, but I'd definitely shut it and refrain from yelling again.  Do you see the difference in responses, Jeep?


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

My wife is a very spitefull, vindictive women. I have in no uncertain terms very very clearly and " loudly" made my boundaries known and multiple times. I packed up my stuff and moved out for 6 months. Needles to say, this was a shock to her. Confrontation with her escalates to super ugly. I won't go tit for tat, I'll just leave the house. . I believe we are one serious situation away from divorce, and yes we have been together 25+ years. Again, I think there are mental health issues


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

Sorry for trying to that I have set boundaries, and I can't improve. but nothing seems to be working, So instead of staying and arguing, I just leave.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

After 25 years only you know best, and you likely know deep down if there are mental issues and if they are fixable. You need to listen to your gut. You definitely don't sound happy. Meds may help but they also kill the libido. 

What made you move back in a after 6 mos?


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

I felt like I abandoned her. That's why I came back. 

Thanks


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My life is a Tennessee Williams play minus the booze but with extra insanity. At best, at very best I can 'man up' to get my wife to simply stop raving. Or at least stop grumbling. But that's it. There is one way for everything in the world, her way. You're either doing that or your screwing it up. 

And I've got to say I take a secret delight and noticing that my kid is starting to see cracks in St. Crazy's armor as well. He gave up after 4 tries to clean the spare room with her, which is a clutter pile. The last time he just shook his head "Mom's a horder, this **** is ****ed solid"


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Also, at the point you are now, I don't think that avoiding confrontation or just leaving the house is going to drive change. Sure it will bide you some time until the next time she abuses you. If the next confrontation gets too hot and it leads to divorce threats, so be it. Just try to stay calm but stay in her face. Unless she is likely to unleash the scissors on you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

You two sound like me and my wife two years ago. At the end of the day we all have our boundaries...it is just how much time it takes to reach them and how much time it takes before you crack. Me, it took 11 years. I wish I listened to the advice of others much, much earlier. 

Sometimes you just need to be selfish and look out for number one....you can only give so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Do you really want to know what she is thinking?

Here are some of my thoughts when I denied my husband:

Please - not tonight - all I want to do is sleep! 

Why does he always have to have sex?

What is so great about it anyways?

If one more person touches me I am going to scream - Crap 
he is touching me. 

Why doesn't it feel good?

It just feels wrong!

All he thinks about is sex, sex, sex!

I wish he would just finish it and let me sleep!

If I never have sex again it will be too soon.

Not pretty is it!!!! If you wife is depressed, i guarantee sex is the last thing on her mind.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Uggg, now I am depressed.

But his wife can't be thinking like that if they have not had sex in 2 years. She is way beyond "all he wants is sex". I agree she is likely depressed. I think lack of sex has a similar impact to women as it does to men, even if it is their own decision not to have it. The human soul is meant to be sexual and be loved. Without that you are dead.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

hubby said:


> Uggg, now I am depressed.
> 
> But his wife can't be thinking like that if they have not had sex in 2 years. She is way beyond "all he wants is sex". I agree she is likely depressed. I think lack of sex has a similar impact to women as it does to men, even if it is their own decision not to have it. The human soul is meant to be sexual and be loved. Without that you are dead.


I agree that with-holding sex has a negative effect on both husband and wife and especially the marriage. But - if you didn't feel alive when you had sex and it was not enjoyable, but just another chore for you, would you want to do it? 

I am not saying this is right - just that it is what a lot of women feel. I was totally overwhelmed with raising 6 children and coping with their needs all the time. For various reasons I had repressed all my sexual feelings to the point of not having any sexual thoughts at all. I didn't ever think about sex or seldom wanted to even have an orgasm when we did have it. It was often just another task to cross off my very long list. And quite frankly, I found it annoying that he seemed to want it so much. 

I know you may find this hard to believe, but I honestly did not understand why my husband wanted it. Just as men assume that women must like it and enjoy it as much as they do, some women assume that because they don't need it and can do without it, so can the man. 

I am being brutally honest with you - its not pretty, I know and I am ashamed to even write it. At the time I did not see that I was hurting my husband or damaging our relationship, but I was and I did. It was never my intention - I was just trying to cope with life the best way I knew how to at the time.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Jeep - if your wife has mental issues, maybe she is just coping with life the best way she knows how. She may need professional help to learn new coping techniques instead. She may even have a chemical imbalance that requires medications to fix. Have either of you tried individual or marriage counseling?


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

Counseling - 3 times, she reuses to go to counseling on an individual basis. I personally believe the lack sex causes tension, and this is her way of punishing me, especially since I put my foot down. 

I know and meet other people and do not have this feeling of resentment, irritability, etc etc with anyone but my wife. Her girlfriends tell me when she is out with them all she does is cut on me, to the point they don't even want to go out with her. 

I'm answering my own question here.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Im not much into sex but not even I would just stop completely. If I did, I would fully expect (and probably even encourage) him to either find a friend-with-benefits or a brothel, some sort of outlet. I think it is a bit low to just cut your partner off, full stop. It must be something serious if she went to that extreme. Maybe counselling is in order for her.. you could get her to go under the guise of "helping with your depression" if you think she has that. People are rarely "spiteful and vindictive" for no reason - there are usually issues behind it.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Jeep, It sounds like you have tried everything you can think of. You can't change her, you can only change yourself. And from what you say, it sounds like she does not want to change. When there is no physical intimacy, it is hard to feel a connection and a bond, especially for men. Most of the time, when it gets to the stage you describe, there is no connection or bond to feel. How can that not cause tension in a marriage? How can you even call it a marriage?

On top of the no sex issue, she treats you with a lack of respect and even worse with total disrespect. Who would want to be around a person that treats them so badly? More importantly, are there any justifiable reasons for staying married to a person who treats you so badly? Are there children involved and if so how does she treat them?

As far as what is she thinking? It sounds like she is only thinking of herself and definitely not you or the marriage!

You may have some hard decisions to make (if you have not already made them). Good Luck!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What you have to do is assign a thought process to her that fits the facts. Then you act from the thought process you assign. This is how a male can make sense of a female's non sensical behavior. And yes, it is not sensical to a male that a female would deny herself and her mate a pleasurable act.

So, this is the way I would assign her thought process. She is trying to mentally dominate you. She cannot physically dominate you. Each thing she does is a test to see if you are still a weak male that can be dominated. Each time you respond weakly, timidly or in such a way that does not force her to correct her behavior, then she is confirming that you are weak. She is not attracted to weakness, and therefore she is not sexual toward you.

Again, people will respond to you that respond that I am wrong, that she is Bipolar, has OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, has Mommy issues and all of this... But, I recommend that rather than try to pyschoanalyze her behaviors, you assign a thought process to her that makes sense of all of her behaviors, and then form a strategy of response.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hicks said:


> But, I recommend that rather than try to pyschoanalyze her behaviors, you assign a thought process to her that makes sense of all of her behaviors, and then form a strategy of response.


Of which, *leaving* should be at the top of the list.

You left her ... to accomplish what? Work on yourself? Punish her? It isn't clear what your goal was, other than hoping she'd change.

Then you went back. Despite the fact that nothing changed.

I have stated on many occasions that a marriage that can be saved, should be saved. And distinctly, some marriages are not worth saving. Marriage is about partnership, shared goals, love and intimacy. If you have none of those things, you certainly don't have a marriage.

This woman ... is NEVER going to be 'the' woman that fulfills those roles I outlined above, and you know it. Yet you stay. And for that simple reason, you actually fuel the fires of her antipathy for you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Of which, *leaving* should be at the top of the list.


Yep it's time to go for good. Sorry but 2 years? That's insane.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And when you moved out who approached who to reconcile?




Jeep73170 said:


> My wife is a very spitefull, vindictive women. I have in no uncertain terms very very clearly and " loudly" made my boundaries known and multiple times. I packed up my stuff and moved out for 6 months. Needles to say, this was a shock to her. Confrontation with her escalates to super ugly. I won't go tit for tat, I'll just leave the house. . I believe we are one serious situation away from divorce, and yes we have been together 25+ years. Again, I think there are mental health issues


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

Thanks for all your comments.

I moved out because the criticism was more than I could take. Life changed in our marriage forever at that time. She had a very difficult time with it as I was her punching boy, when I left she was humiliated and resented me even more ( if that is possible ). Everyone found out.

We reconciled as we decided it was best for our family, our kids our grown , > 25, and while apart, the tension seemed to subside. 

She has a difficult time when I walk out when the arguments start. She holds a grudge, and things fester. 

She refuses to go to counseling as I have the problem not her. 

Someone of you have told me to stand my ground, set my boundaries, etc etc. This absolutely happens all the time !!

There is nothing left !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sorry man but "we" didn't reconcile. One of you "drove" the reconciliation. If it had been her, you needed to set very firm ground rules and maybe insist she date you for a while before returning. "WE" is not failing to enforce your boundaries. YOU are failing to enforce them. 




Jeep73170 said:


> Thanks for all your comments.
> 
> I moved out because the criticism was more than I could take. Life changed in our marriage forever at that time. She had a very difficult time with it as I was her punching boy, when I left she was humiliated and resented me even more ( if that is possible ). Everyone found out.
> 
> ...


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## Jeep73170 (Dec 26, 2010)

You're right !


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Well, I can't speak for all women but I can speak for myself.

I view sex as a time to connect with my spouse, and sometimes when I feel my emotional needs are not being met, it means his physical needs won't be either.

It is a vicious cyle, because when we do have sex we have this amazing connection and feel so good afterwards (and not just physically)
And it seems we get along better. But I can't make love if I feel resentful.

2 years is a long time to not have any sort of sexual relations with your wife.
Have you considered marriage counseling? (Sorry if this has already been asked, I haven't read all the responses.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Leave now. Of course, she will be telling anyone who will listen how she "won", and got what she really wanted.

And 10 years down the line, she'll be saying the same thing to her 50 smelly cats.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

F-102 said:


> And 10 years down the line, she'll be saying the same thing to her 50 smelly cats.


*Wipes coffee from nose and keyboard.*


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I have no idea what women are thinking when they deny sex..

Once I told my Wife.. Look it takes what maybe 15 - 20 minutes from start to finish to have sex.. So is saving an hour a week so you can rest really worth all the added drama in our life.. If anything its a great investment, she gives an hour a week and gets a Husband that will give more then an hour helping out more around the house instead of resenting her..

That didn't even phase her a bit.. And the logic I was using just pissed her off more..

Talking to them doesn't work, using logic doesn't work.. What works is you gotta be a man..


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Tool said:


> I have no idea what women are thinking when they deny sex..
> 
> Once I told my Wife..* Look it takes what maybe 15 - 20 minutes from start to finish to have sex*.. .


Perhaps that's why she doesn't want it?


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Why too long..


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

:rofl:

Yep. I need to get mine in 5 or I'm out of there.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

There have been times where she has said, just quickly get it over with..


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Tool said:


> There have been times where she has said, just quickly get it over with..


Hmmm. Well is it stale and bozoring?:sleeping:

I know you have read these boards, so do you grab her and push her on the bed, get a little rough? Hold her down and kiss her passionately? Tease her and play sexual games etc? 

If we build up to sex throughout the day or time time before bed with touching, teasing, him being a bit dominate, then I feel really excited about it and no way do I think I'd just like it over with. I think I can't wait untill he has his way with me.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Seems to me there is just too much of literal thinking involved. 

Who the hell *thinks* in the beginnings of a relationship? People don't *think*, they get swept off their feet.

I really don't know what women think when they stop sex. I don't want to *think*. I want to *feel*.

Make them stop *thinking*.


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## Hal (Apr 10, 2011)

Hi. I just subscribed to this forum for the exact same reasons as the originator of this thread. His situation is almost a carbon copy of mine. I feel sorry for him. It is a miserable existance. After years of reading, and failed marriage counseling, I believe my wife is a narcissist. She also is a horder, and has acute OCD. One of the marriage therapists said he believed she had "pathological issues." Another one said to me, "what would it take for you to leave her. Most peoples family dogs are treated better than you." But i am still here. When she threatens to take my house and children, that is about enough for me to cave in. I am too old to start over. I figure its my fault for getting into this in the first place so I just have to suck it up. Even if I was misled early on, which I believe I was.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether you have 40 years or 40 hours left on this earth, resolve to live them being loved and respected. By reducing their father to some pitiful cartoon character, she has already taken your kids from you. I was there and I made the decision to be a man my kids could respect, even if only every other weekend. When I was living with their mom, I couldn't be "me". To keep relative peace, I had to destroy little pieces of me until I really didn't exist in any meaningful way. I was embarrassed for my kids to see me that way. Oh, I'd stand up to her but she'd escalate and start with the physical violence. I'm not going to jail and losing my career over a domestic violence charge and she knew it. I just had to toss her out. I got divorced but the kids actually got to learn who their father really was.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> Whether you have 40 years or 40 hours left on this earth, resolve to live them being loved and respected. By reducing their father to some pitiful cartoon character, she has already taken your kids from you. I was there and I made the decision to be a man my kids could respect, even if only every other weekend. When I was living with their mom, I couldn't be "me". To keep relative peace, I had to destroy little pieces of me until I really didn't exist in any meaningful way. I was embarrassed for my kids to see me that way. Oh, I'd stand up to her but she'd escalate and start with the physical violence. I'm not going to jail and losing my career over a domestic violence charge and she knew it. I just had to toss her out. I got divorced but the kids actually got to learn who their father really was.


There is a dichotomy to reading posts like this.

It is disheartening to know that the relationship deteriorated to the point that it did.

It is empowering to know that neither you, nor anyone, has to accept those circumstances and can choose to move on.

I'm happy for you, and your kids ... maybe even your ex. Nobody benefits from living in dysfunction.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Trading respect for "peace", for "sex" or for anything else ends badly. 



Tool said:


> There have been times where she has said, just quickly get it over with..


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

i know this is going to sound weird and anti-feminist, but when i'm being bi***y and irrational with my husband, it actually kind of turns me on when he dishes back and puts me in my place.

it's not politically correct for women to admit this nowadays, but sometimes we want our men to exercise some authority over us. that includes calling us on our BS every now and then.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

MissLayla1986 said:


> i know this is going to sound weird and anti-feminist, but when i'm being bi***y and irrational with my husband, it actually kind of turns me on when he dishes back and puts me in my place.
> 
> it's not politically correct for women to admit this nowadays, but sometimes we want our men to exercise some authority over us. that includes calling us on our BS every now and then.


:iagree:

THIS cannot be more true.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I was stunned speechless the day my wife said to me and I quote "I love it that you ..., and that you ...., AND that you put me in my place when I am being a total b1tch."

Speechless. Don't get me wrong she responds in a fair, rational and constructive manner when I do that, but the fact that "she loves it" never ever never would have guessed that in a million years. 




MissLayla1986 said:


> i know this is going to sound weird and anti-feminist, but when i'm being bi***y and irrational with my husband, it actually kind of turns me on when he dishes back and puts me in my place.
> 
> it's not politically correct for women to admit this nowadays, but sometimes we want our men to exercise some authority over us. that includes calling us on our BS every now and then.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

so now we are back to putting women in their place when they step out of line?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> so now we are back to putting women in their place when they step out of line?


Only because women think it's sexy when men demand respect and don't let us walk on them. Enforcing boundaries increases attraction. Women often _will_ stop having sex with a man who allows her to treat him badly.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MissLayla1986 said:


> i know this is going to sound weird and anti-feminist, but when i'm being bi***y and irrational with my husband, it actually kind of turns me on when he dishes back and puts me in my place.
> 
> it's not politically correct for women to admit this nowadays, but sometimes we want our men to exercise some authority over us. that includes calling us on our BS every now and then.


Yup! I sure as hell need this at times, AS DOES MY HUSBAND. Goes both ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Hmmm....15 min sex? That's a quickie for us...from foreplay to cuddling, we usually take about 45 mins. 
I don't like too much roughness as it gives me unpleasant flashbacks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Okey,
I don't think you are getting this.

My wifes "place" is by my side. NOT at my feet. When she acts as if I am at HER feet I quickly, firmly and sometimes humorously put her in her "place" at my SIDE as my PARTNER. 

So YES that is what I do. And I would say failing to do so would turn her into a nightmare fairly quickly. And that would be ON ME. 






okeydokie said:


> so now we are back to putting women in their place when they step out of line?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Okey,
> I don't think you are getting this.
> 
> My wifes "place" is by my side. NOT at my feet. When she acts as if I am at HER feet I quickly, firmly and sometimes humorously put her in her "place" at my SIDE as my PARTNER.
> ...


im just trying to keep up and responded to a few of the women that basically said it turns them on when their husband "puts them in their place"

i guess it just goes to show you that giving and receiving advice can be tricky when so many variations of personalities are involved. it is fun though


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Okey,
> I don't think you are getting this.
> 
> My wifes "place" is by my side. NOT at my feet. When she acts as if I am at HER feet I quickly, firmly and sometimes humorously put her in her "place" at my SIDE as my PARTNER.
> ...


This is good. I think women do need to know that their man will not put up with being treated badly by her or any one and then she respects and admires him which increases her desire for him.


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