# Nagging



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Inspired by another thread, do you nag? Are you a victim of nagging? 
Do you believe there are no other options when your partner just doesn't do what you want them to do? How does one stop nagging? How does one deal with nagging?

Curious 🤗


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I don’t nag. More and more, I’m into acceptance. 

I ask once, and if the response is lukewarm, I step back and wait to see what happens.

Nagging seems like a control issue?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

minimalME said:


> I don’t nag. More and more, I’m into acceptance.
> 
> I ask once, and if the response is lukewarm, I step back and wait to see what happens.
> 
> Nagging seems like a control issue?


And if nothing changes according to your expectations what do you do?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> And if nothing changes according to your expectations what do you do?


Let it go. That’s what I do.

If you’d like examples, let me know. I have tons of them.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

minimalME said:


> Let it go. That’s what I do.
> 
> If you’d like examples, let me know. I have tons of them.


Let it go as in... let them go? lol
Or let it go as in, tolerate it?

If you tolerate it - wouldn't that just lead to resentment?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Let it go as in... let them go? lol
> Or let it go as in, tolerate it?
> 
> If you tolerate it - wouldn't that just lead to resentment?


I don’t really see it as tolerating. But yes, sometimes (lots of times), it means loss of relationships.

As I get older (and healthier and stronger), I don’t cater to ********. 😌

Acceptance of who others are (and acceptance of myself and situations/circumstances) has actually led to a more peaceful life. 

Resentment (a form of anger) for me usually means I’m not being true to who I am. A lot of manipulation/covert contracts result in resentment. If I’m clear and direct and honest, there’s no resentment.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

minimalME said:


> I don’t really see it as tolerating. But yes, sometimes (lots of times), it means loss of relationships.
> 
> As I get older (and healthier and stronger), I don’t cater to ******. 😌
> 
> ...


In my last relationship I just tolerated, it was part of my commitment. Take in the good with the bad I guess. It led to resentment that ate at me and I didn't realise how bad it was until I saw how it brought out the worst in me. I kept at it in hopes that one day it would get better.

Now I don't even believe in compromises anymore let alone tolerance. I don't know if that makes me more or less accepting, because I am more accepting as in - I let them be them, but less accepting in that - I make conclusions about them and if so I move on.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> In my last relationship I just tolerated, it was part of my commitment. Take in the good with the bad I guess. It led to resentment that ate at me and I didn't realise how bad it was until I saw how it brought out the worst in me. I kept at it in hopes that one day it would get better.
> 
> Now I don't even believe in compromises anymore let alone tolerance. I don't know if that makes me more or less accepting, because I am more accepting as in - I let them be them, but less accepting in that - I make conclusions about them and if so I move on.


To me, compromise is two or more making a genuine effort so that everyone benefits. Being a martyr isn’t compromise. Always sacrificing isn’t compromise.

Sometimes the most loving thing in a situation is to say ‘no’.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

minimalME said:


> To me, compromise is two or more making a genuine effort so that everyone benefits. Being a martyr isn’t compromise. Always sacrificing isn’t compromise.
> 
> Sometimes the most loving thing in a situation is to say ‘no’.


That's the plan, doesn't always work out that way though, neither of us were perfect. I slip, she nags, I slip more, she nags more. I stopped giving a sh-t, shutdown and let her nag wondering what I was going to do about her. I still remember trying not to leave things overnight too, but there was no real solution. Cuddles and healing sure, but the issues remained for years.

Her justification for nagging... well, I was reminded of it by another thread. It's justified by the mentality "I'm nagging because I want us to work, because I care"


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If you don’t want to talk about this, I completely understand, but may I ask?

What was she nagging about? 

Was there any truth to what she was saying - what she wanted? And were you resisting her (to stay in control), or were her requests/demands just not you?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

minimalME said:


> If you don’t want to talk about this, I completely understand, but may I ask?
> 
> What was she nagging about?
> 
> Was there any truth to what she was saying - what she wanted? And were you resisting her (to stay in control), or were her requests/demands just not you?


It was not just one thing:








His needs, her needs, not good enough...


Never thought I would have to ask for assistance again, but here it is... guess nothing good last forever ey? My girlfriend and I have reached the apex of a persistent issue that has plagued us for quite some time. In the beginning we were very happy, still had our stupid fights but always...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





When she nagged, yes, eventually I was resisting her to stay in control. Right up to the day of the breakup I knew exactly what she wanted and expected but refused to do it, instead I packed her crap ready for her to get out of my life.

Truth? Of course, she simply gives and expects a lot of love. However... expectations...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Also, this is about a past issue but thought I mention it.

There is something about nagging that always irked me when we dated... when I met her I was still struggling with smoking. I cut down a lot for my kid but I could never quit completely. At the start she was accepting of my struggles, she didn't judge me, didn't nag me, believed in me. And you have no idea what difference that made in my life. I quit for months, but then I slipped... and she nagged. I felt the urge immediately to relapse, to just put one in my mouth because WTF, you don't understand my struggle, who are you to tell me what to do? But I made so much progress and I was so close to the finish line. I ignored it, and pushed on. Because after all, I wanted this.

Now I have not smoked for 4 years.

But I will always remember that last push to the finish line, and how someone who once inspired me to change, started to demand it, and the burden it placed on me on my last steps. I guess I should have taken that as a warning sign...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Thank you for the link. I remember you going through all that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

minimalME said:


> Thank you for the link. I remember you going through all that.


It never changed. High chemistry so we lingered, low compatibility so we were doomed. Still remember our time fondly overall though.

But since I got triggered by another thread/poster who sounded so much like my ex and yet have people telling me that there are women out there who don't nag (all my life women nagged one way or another).

I want to figure this nagging thing out and what other possible dynamics exist out there


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nagging is a total waste of time...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> Nagging is a total waste of time...


And? Well give us some alternatives!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> And? Well give us some alternatives!


I was never the target or the perpetrator of nagging in my marriage. Possibly one of the reasons why it failed. That said, I could never be in a relationship where nagging is included, so no alternatives!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> I was never the target or the perpetrator of nagging in my marriage. Possibly one of the reasons why it failed. That said, I could never be in a relationship where nagging is included, so no alternatives!


No fair 😤


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’ve said you don’t compromise and don’t want people to place expectations on you. Nagging is a trigger. Seems like a one way relationship, deal with me or leave. Is that really a relationship? Ic you don’t want to change for someone else, seems to be very self centered.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think chronic nagging is a sign of a persons lack of communication skills in a relationship. I think a person who is the victim of chronic nagging should carry around a pacifier in their pocket. When their spouse starts nagging, pull it out and say ahhhhh, someone needs their binky! 🤣


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think chronic nagging is a sign of a persons lack of communication skills in a relationship. I think a person who is the victim of chronic nagging should carry around a pacifier in their pocket. When their spouse starts nagging, pull it out and say ahhhhh, someone needs their binky! 🤣


Hahahaha  If only such exists...
I googled and only found this:


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)




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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Resentment (a form of anger) for me usually means I’m not being true to who I am. A lot of manipulation/covert contracts result in resentment. If I’m clear and direct and honest, there’s no resentment.


Yes. This above is very profound. Resentment is often when your manipulation didn't work. 



RandomDude said:


> It's justified by the mentality "I'm nagging because I want us to work, because I care"


And that's often the truth of it. 

I like how this thread is looking at the situation of both sides, nagger and nagee. 

How do you define nagging? Is it when I ask you to do something, you don't give me a "no", maybe even give me a "yes", and then don't do it, and I bring it up again? Because there's a really easy way to prevent that one!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Laurentium said:


> Yes. This above is very profound. Resentment is often when your manipulation didn't work.


I resented her more and more each time she nagged, yet held onto hope that things would change.



> And that's often the truth of it.
> I like how this thread is looking at the situation of both sides, nagger and nagee.
> How do you define nagging? Is it when I ask you to do something, you don't give me a "no", maybe even give me a "yes", and then don't do it, and I bring it up again? Because there's a really easy way to prevent that one!


Nagging for me is simply constant harassment. How do you prevent it exactly?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Nagging for me is simply constant harassment. How do you prevent it exactly?


I'd need a clearer explanation of what it is, if it doesn't fit the example I gave. (I'm always suspicious of explanations that include words like "simply" or "just" for complex patterns of interaction). As I often say to clients: start the story 30 seconds further back. What happened just _before_ you were being harassed?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Hate being nagged. A few months ago, she tore into me as my sin was failing to prepare two dinners the previous week, screaming at me as I drove us on a busy road in suburban Chicago. Insane.

So. I began writing S my initial on the calendar each day i prepare dinner. I’m preparing close to 50% of the dinners. No recognition from her.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hate being nagged. A few months ago, she tore into me as my sin was failing to prepare two dinners the previous week, screaming at me as I drove us on a busy road in suburban Chicago. Insane.
> 
> So. I began writing S my initial on the calendar each day i prepare dinner. I’m preparing close to 50% of the dinners. No recognition from her.


Do you have any sense of how _she_ would tell the story?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Do you have any sense of how _she_ would tell the story?


I’ve heard her tell our marriage counselor that we had that two dinner deal and I failed her. One week. Busy with work. Yes I’m guilty but that did not warrant screaming fit, at least she did not bite my arm this time


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

What he called nagging, I called calmly asking him to go to the doctor about his ED repeatedly ad nauseum until I was left with no choice but to end the relationship. Sometimes "nagging" is what a person calls their partner's legitimate points to make them seem petty, small and insignificant. And it says something about communication for sure, but not only for the nagger, I feel.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> What he called nagging, I called calmly asking him to go to the doctor about his ED repeatedly ad nauseum until I was left with no choice but to end the relationship. Sometimes "nagging" is what a person calls their partner's legitimate points to make them seem petty, small and insignificant. And it says something about communication for sure, but not only for the nagger, I feel.


As a guy with ED, why would he not seek help? Pills work great


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Laurentium said:


> I'd need a clearer explanation of what it is, if it doesn't fit the example I gave. (I'm always suspicious of explanations that include words like "simply" or "just" for complex patterns of interaction). As I often say to clients: start the story 30 seconds further back. What happened just _before_ you were being harassed?


Plenty of examples here:








His needs, her needs, not good enough...


Never thought I would have to ask for assistance again, but here it is... guess nothing good last forever ey? My girlfriend and I have reached the apex of a persistent issue that has plagued us for quite some time. In the beginning we were very happy, still had our stupid fights but always...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





It's too many examples to even start... ok, let's say her 1 hr text back rule, where I was expected to text her back within the hour or be nagged or have a fight. If I'm 5 minutes off:
_"You always make excuses!" 
"This is my bare minimum standard!"_

Or failure to show initiative by kissing her when I see her, or failure to perform as other couples do:
_"You never do this for me!"
"My friends' boyfriend does this!"
"Look at this tiktok couple, look how he treats his girlfriend!"_

Etc etc


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Plenty of examples here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That gets old real fast.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Longtime Hubby said:


> That gets old real fast.


Honestly looking back I can't believe I tolerated so many men thrown in my face. She was smart enough not to throw her orbiters at me, but all her friends' boyfriends and even tiktok couples lol

Dealbreaker from now on. Any woman does that once and I'm done.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Honestly looking back I can't believe I tolerated so many men thrown in my face. She was smart enough not to throw her orbiters at me, but all her friends' boyfriends and even tiktok couples lol
> 
> Dealbreaker from now on. Any woman does that once and I'm done.


Great strategy. Makes perfect sense. My wife doesn’t do much of that but she only had two boyfriends - she claims - before me. I dated dozens of women.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Great strategy. Makes perfect sense. My wife doesn’t do much of that but she only had two boyfriends - she claims - before me. I dated dozens of women.


I have never brought up an expectation from a previous ex to my present relationships. She never crossed that line either.
Yet it was the orbiters/boasting friends/tiktokers that were my comparison lol FK 🤦‍♂️

I was so severe and final with my boundaries, yet failed to enforce that one... oh well


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> at least she did not bite my arm this time


When it gets to violence, the counselling stops.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> I have never brought up an expectation from a previous ex to my present relationships. She never crossed that line either.
> Yet it was the orbiters/boasting friends/tiktokers that were my comparison lol FK 🤦‍♂️
> 
> I was so severe and final with my boundaries, yet failed to enforce that one... oh well


SMH … women!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> When it gets to violence, the counselling stops.


Actually, that incident led us to counseling. Thankfully, no blood


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> It's too many examples to even start... ok, let's say her 1 hr text back rule, where I was expected to text her back within the hour or be nagged or have a fight.


I don't know all the ins and outs, but my first guess is you have to say "no" to that request (nicely). Like _"I'm sorry but I won't always be able to text back within an hour". _If you say anything other than a clear "no" to an impossible request, then you're all set up for trouble.


RandomDude said:


> Or failure to show initiative by kissing her when I see her, or failure to perform as other couples do


Beneath the surface, the two examples you give above scream that she's afraid you'll abandon her, or don't really love her. So beneath the surface of the "nagging" is the _fear._ If I'm counselling, I refuse to waste our time talking about the texts or the nagging. I want to hear about the fear. (I can be a bit Hannibal Lecter at times.)


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Actually, that incident led us to counseling. Thankfully, no blood


I hope it helped. I wouldn't take that couple on without a very clear contract that if anything like that happens again, we're done. And only if I see remorse. Otherwise you each just get a 30 min separate briefing from me on how not to end up in a hospital or a jail cell.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I hope it helped. I wouldn't take that couple on without a very clear contract that if anything like that happens again, we're done. And only if I see remorse. Otherwise you each just get a 30 min separate briefing from me on how not to end up in a hospital or a jail cell.


It has helped a lot. She has shown remorse over the low point of our relationship. We are improving, but the memory pops into my mind now and then.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Nagging is the #1 way to guarantee I won't do what I'm being nagged about. Anecdotally, I think quite a few men are like that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Laurentium said:


> I don't know all the ins and outs, but my first guess is you have to say "no" to that request (nicely). Like _"I'm sorry but I won't always be able to text back within an hour". _*If you say anything other than a clear "no" to an impossible request, then you're all set up for trouble.*


I will remember that.



> Beneath the surface, the two examples you give above scream that she's afraid you'll abandon her, or don't really love her. So beneath the surface of the "nagging" is the _fear._ If I'm counselling, I refuse to waste our time talking about the texts or the nagging. I want to hear about the fear. (I can be a bit Hannibal Lecter at times.)


Yeah well I did eventually fall out of love from all the bullcrap 🤷‍♂️

Focus on the fear...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> Nagging is the #1 way to guarantee I won't do what I'm being nagged about. Anecdotally, I think quite a few men are like that.


Maybe maturity is the ability to do something that you _should_ do, even if you're being nagged to do it!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Nagging is the #1 way to guarantee I won't do what I'm being nagged about. Anecdotally, I think quite a few men are like that.


Exactly


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Laurentium said:


> Maybe maturity is the ability to do something that you _should_ do, even if you're being nagged to do it!


Sure, but bloody hell, does it grate on you. Puts an extra burden that just doesn't have to be there you know?

It gets tiring to nag and tiring to be nagged as well. There must be better ways.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Laurentium said:


> Maybe maturity is the ability to do something that you _should_ do, even if you're being nagged to do it!


I won't encourage bad behavior. If you do it while nagged, you send the message that nagging works.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> I won't encourage bad behavior. If you do it while nagged, you send the message that nagging works.


And that results in new nagging.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife never nags.

My mom nagged me relentlessly. It gave me a life long aversion to not only women who nag, but any who use a nagging voice at all in everyday non-nagging speech. It’s the audio equivalent of resting b**** face.

If my wife wants me to do something I gradually trained her to say, “Would you please X?” in a reasonable tone of voice. For my part I do it so she never asks again, and then no nagging!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

I love hearing how “the tone” of my voice upsets her. God forbid I tell her that when in Full Nag Mode.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I think it would have worked better to just tell her she's not in charge of your smoking and that you'll handle it. 

If you actually speak up you don't build up resentment and she gains respect for you. It's a win win for both parties.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife never nags.
> 
> My mom nagged me relentlessly. It gave me a life long aversion to not only women who nag, but any who use a nagging voice at all in everyday non-nagging speech. It’s the audio equivalent of resting b**** face.
> 
> If my wife wants me to do something I gradually trained her to say, “Would you please X?” in a reasonable tone of voice. For my part I do it so she never asks again, and then no nagging!


Your wife was reasonable that it ended there. Others don't get to be so lucky it seems.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't nag. I hate it, but I realized I have to ask my teenage son to do one thing over and over. I hate it!!! We argue over this constantly. I don't know how to change this behavior.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hate being nagged. A few months ago, she tore into me as my sin was failing to prepare two dinners the previous week, screaming at me as I drove us on a busy road in suburban Chicago. Insane.
> 
> So. I began writing S my initial on the calendar each day i prepare dinner. I’m preparing close to 50% of the dinners. No recognition from her.


This does not sound like a good relationship. 

Did you tell her screaming at you as you drove is unacceptable and not to happen again, or does she do this often?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Yeah, nagging is no good, but let's be clear. Women aren't the only ones who do it.



pastasauce79 said:


> I don't nag. I hate it, but I realized I have to ask my teenage son to do one thing over and over. I hate it!!! We argue over this constantly. I don't know how to change this behavior.


Don't ask a second or third time. Don't argue. Stop talking and take action. Create consequences for his actions (or inaction) and make sure you always follow through. He'll learn quickly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't nag. I hate it, but I realized I have to ask my teenage son to do one thing over and over. I hate it!!! We argue over this constantly. I don't know how to change this behavior.


I dig that, remember that.
But it's 100% different scenario between spouses.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> I won't encourage bad behavior. If you do it while nagged, you send the message that nagging works.


Yes, but you can often avoid nagging. Acknowledge the request. Give a clear response like yes or no. A person doesn't feel validated when they feel their needs are being ignored. A clear response one way or another will often help. If a no leads to arguing, suggest coming back later for a calm discussion. 

Some people like to blow off discussion if they are uncomfortable with an issue or just don't want to hear it. Doing that almost guarantees it will become a bigger, more painful issue.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I never nag my wife. Never had any need to. Not quite the same, but I have a tendency to want to win an argument to the point where she has to verbally say she was wrong. That was a bad habit and I broke it a long time ago. 

I guess my wife has done what you might call nagging. Mostly about picking up after myself or doing something I said I would take care of. Her nagging has always been about something I really should have taken care of, but procrastinated. For the most part I didn't do it because I'm easily distracted by other things, especially other things I would rather be doing. The nagging never got bad, never really went to the argument stage or yelling. It has basically stopped completely at this point, mostly because I don't give her anything to nag about. She has learned to play into my mild OCD tendencies and adds thing to my to do list. I can't resist checking stuff off a list, lol. She has also learned that for bigger projects she offers to do them with me, be my helper and I can't resist do things with her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

theloveofmylife said:


> Yeah, nagging is no good, but let's be clear. Women aren't the only ones who do it.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't ask a second or third time. Don't argue. Stop talking and take action. Create consequences for his actions (or inaction) and make sure you always follow through. He'll learn quickly.


Well I have a question!! What do you do in the here and now short term, if you have a passive or lazy or self centered partner, and you really need them to do what you requested, and they won't? 

Example from This is US (which I just binge watched). Couple has a blind toddler. His room has a baby gate so he can't wander, but you have to latch it shut, you can't just lazily swat at it to close. Mom asked nicely time and time again but dad refuses to tend to properly latch the gate so child is safe, and calls her repeated requests to latch the gate properly nagging. Is that nagging, a request that's needed to be made over and over for the safety of a child because an adult refuses to do it correctly?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hate being nagged. A few months ago, she tore into me as my sin was failing to prepare two dinners the previous week, screaming at me as I drove us on a busy road in suburban Chicago. Insane.
> 
> So. I began writing S my initial on the calendar each day i prepare dinner. I’m preparing close to 50% of the dinners. No recognition from her.


How do you tolerate yelling? If that happened first my eyes would roll back in surprise and any yelling would be brought to an end by me removing myself after a few carefully chosen words.

Do you mean real, definite yelling, how loud? 
Sorry for the TJ


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Mom asked nicely time and time again but dad refuses to tend to properly latch the gate so child is safe, and calls her repeated requests to latch the gate properly nagging. Is that nagging, a request that's needed to be made over and over for the safety of a child because an adult refuses to do it correctly?


Well, I was talking about dealing with children, but it really does apply to everyone I guess.

I wouldn't care if I was seen as "nagging" in the situation you described. I certainly wouldn't leave that 'adult' alone with the child, so that lack of trust would be one consequences. I think I'd stop relying on that adult at all and do something about it myself, like find a better gate.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Livvie said:


> This does not sound like a good relationship.
> 
> Did you tell her screaming at you as you drove is unacceptable and not to happen again, or does she do this often?


It’s not. I have told her that. I think it sunk in. Just screams at me when not driving.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> Yeah, nagging is no good, but let's be clear. Women aren't the only ones who do it.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't ask a second or third time. Don't argue. Stop talking and take action. Create consequences for his actions (or inaction) and make sure you always follow through. He'll learn quickly.


Oh, there are consequences for his actions. He's very stubborn and sometimes he doesn't even care about the consequences.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I dig that, remember that.
> But it's 100% different scenario between spouses.


I agree, but I wonder if this back and forth behavior is going to affect his future relationships? 🤷


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

theloveofmylife said:


> Yes, but you can often avoid nagging. Acknowledge the request. Give a clear response like yes or no. A person doesn't feel validated when they feel their needs are being ignored. A clear response one way or another will often help. If a no leads to arguing, suggest coming back later for a calm discussion.
> 
> Some people like to blow off discussion if they are uncomfortable with an issue or just don't want to hear it. Doing that almost guarantees it will become a bigger, more painful issue.


Many times I guess I said yes without fully comprehending the scale and perfection of her expectations.
Just as many times my nos become contention points where other men are thrown in my face as comparison.

Simply saying no isn't the endgame solution.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

A template in the case of someone refusing to comply:

Would you please?

After the next time the person does not do it, consider is it worth it? If yes, then explain to them the impact of not doing what you’re asking and why you’d like them to do it and what it means to you.

After this attempt, explain your disappointment and then drop it.

No nagging, no repeatedly asking the person to do the same thing over and over. They’re not doing it anyway so it’s not constructive.

That person does not understand the importance of your request and repeatedly asking them is not going to change it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ccpowerslave said:


> A template in the case of someone refusing to comply:
> 
> Would you please?
> 
> ...


Then it becomes accept and tolerate - or I leave. Or I accept and tolerate - and resent you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> I agree, but I wonder if this back and forth behavior is going to affect his future relationships? 🤷


Probably no more than any other teen.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> A template in the case of someone refusing to comply:
> 
> Would you please?
> 
> ...


We all know my requests are most important and the last word!
We agree on that in my household. 🤣🤣 At least I agree with myself most of the time. 🤣🤣🤣


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Then it becomes accept and tolerate - or I leave. Or I accept and tolerate - and resent you.


Yes, well think of how much worse it is if you choose one of those options WITH nagging as well. Nagging isn’t effective, otherwise it wouldn’t exist.

My wife is a pack rat. I can ask her to throw things out and I have in the past. She doesn’t want to! I can’t even get her to throw out junk mail. So I don’t nag her about it, I already know she won’t do it and she’ll just get mad about me nagging.

So what do I do? I literally let her pile it up how she wants to. At some point it gets obscene and unreasonable and she’ll throw some out or we’ll have a weekend shredding party and crank up the music and shred it all.

If she wants to have someone over like family sometimes that will be the catalyst.

What absolutely doesn’t work is repeatedly asking into a brick wall. That just pisses everyone off.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yes, well think of how much worse it is if you choose one of those options WITH nagging as well. Nagging isn’t effective, otherwise it wouldn’t exist.
> 
> My wife is a pack rat. I can ask her to throw things out and I have in the past. She doesn’t want to! I can’t even get her to throw out junk mail. So I don’t nag her about it, I already know she won’t do it and she’ll just get mad about me nagging.
> 
> ...


You accept her for who she is, perks and all. 

I did the same, except I accepted her nagging. And it rotted us both to the core.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Example from This is US (which I just binge watched). Couple has a blind toddler. His room has a baby gate so he can't wander, but you have to latch it shut, you can't just lazily swat at it to close. Mom asked nicely time and time again but dad refuses to tend to properly latch the gate so child is safe, and calls her repeated requests to latch the gate properly nagging. Is that nagging, a request that's needed to be made over and over for the safety of a child because an adult refuses to do it correctly?


I never had to baby proof the house with our first child. He was not into opening cabinets or drawers. My second child wanted to explore every cabinet and every drawer. I asked my husband many times to baby proof the kitchen cabinets and he said we didn't need to. Of course he didn't need to because he wasn't chasing our toddler at home 24-7! I was the one watching her like a hawk.

One day I left our toddler with him for a few hours to run some errands. I came back and he was baby proofing every single cabinet around the house! Lol!!! He said she gets into everything! She emptied one of the kitchen cabinets and while he was putting everything back, she went and emptied the bathroom cabinet! I was laughing so hard!!! I told him I was glad she did that to him. I don't think I was nagging. I had a legitimate request, even though he might have seen it as a nagging request.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

pastasauce79 said:


> I never had to baby proof the house with our first child. He was not into opening cabinets or drawers. My second child wanted to explore every cabinet and every drawer. I asked my husband many times to baby proof the kitchen cabinets and he said we didn't need to. Of course he didn't need to because he wasn't chasing our toddler at home 24-7! I was the one watching her like a hawk.
> 
> One day I left our toddler with him for a few hours to run some errands. I came back and he was baby proofing every single cabinet around the house! Lol!!! He said she gets into everything! She emptied one of the kitchen cabinets and while he was putting everything back, she went and emptied the bathroom cabinet! I was laughing so hard!!! I told him I was glad she did that to him. I don't think I was nagging. I had a legitimate request, even though he might have seen it as a nagging request.


Heh your child is a blessing. Inspired change.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I don't think my husband and I nag each other about anything. Relationship-wise, I think we're both pretty uncomplicated people.

Of course we have disagreements like every married couple does, but trying not to let ego get in the way and handling things at the core of the issue I think helps.

Example: Leaving his dirty socks around despite me reminding him to pick them up. I could take great offence and think he is disrespecting me because I've told him not to many times. Or I could accept this as a flaw (laziness, forgetfulness) that has nothing to do with disrespect. Am I really going to sour my feelings for a fantastic husband or cause a problem in my marriage over dirty socks left about? Absolutely not.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

so_sweet said:


> I don't think my husband and I nag each other about anything. Relationship-wise, I think we're both pretty uncomplicated people.
> 
> Of course we have disagreements like every married couple does, but trying not to let ego get in the way and handling things at the core of the issue I think helps.
> 
> Example: Leaving his dirty socks around despite me reminding him to pick them up. I could take great offence and think he is disrespecting me because I've told him not to many times. Or I could accept this as a flaw (laziness, forgetfulness) that has nothing to do with disrespect. Am I really going to sour my feelings for a fantastic husband or cause a problem in my marriage over dirty socks left about? Absolutely not.


Guess all I have to do is find a non-nagger. Well I may have found one at least, but bloody hell I wish more stars aligned with that one in other ways.

Never the good without the bad for me


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it goes both ways. 

A non-nagger paired with a person who behaves in a reasonable manner is what's needed to avoid nagging/repeated requests 

Even the most non-nagging person can be driven to _desperately repeating requests_ if there are serious issues that you really need completed/help with. 

Like if your partner left something dangerous for children out in the open that's truly too heavy for you to move yourself, and nice polite requests to move it go unheeded, that kind of thing. 

Of course, that kind of thing means you are paired with kind of an ass...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Guess all I have to do is find a non-nagger. Well I may have found one at least, but bloody hell I wish more stars aligned with that one in other ways.
> 
> Never the good without the bad for me


I have never nagged. I made a rule for myself when I was very young that if the way a person behaved made me feel like I had to nag, I was out. My feeling about it was that I never wanted to be that person, so anyone who made me feel like I needed to be that person was a big no. It's one big reason why I didn't marry. I was never going to deal with that type of stuff. Not sorry.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Longtime Hubby said:


> And that results in new nagging.


For a time. Until it sinks in that escalation doesn't work either. Eventually they learn that to get what they want they have to use a better approach. Or they never figure it out and leave. Either way the nagging stops.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Guess all I have to do is find a non-nagger. Well I may have found one at least, but bloody hell I wish more stars aligned with that one in other ways.
> 
> Never the good without the bad for me


You'll find the one right for you, RD.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

theloveofmylife said:


> Yes, but you can often avoid nagging. Acknowledge the request. Give a clear response like yes or no. A person doesn't feel validated when they feel their needs are being ignored. A clear response one way or another will often help. If a no leads to arguing, suggest coming back later for a calm discussion.
> 
> Some people like to blow off discussion if they are uncomfortable with an issue or just don't want to hear it. Doing that almost guarantees it will become a bigger, more painful issue.


In my experience a clear answer like "I see X needs done. I will do it in my own manner, on my own timeline" is never a good enough answer. Invariably, it seems the nagger will only accept doing what they want, how they want, when they want.

I've chosen to treat nagging like other forms of toxic manipulation. Grey Rock.

The nagger will either adjust their approach, or leave. Both results are acceptable, because I won't live with a nag (again).


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

I don’t ask my wife any questions about anything. And I never ever tell her what to do. I like being on this side of the grass.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Inspired by another thread, do you nag? Are you a victim of nagging?
> Do you believe there are no other options when your partner just doesn't do what you want them to do? How does one stop nagging? How does one deal with nagging?
> 
> Curious 🤗


I'm a victim of more of a micromanager more than anything


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I dig that, remember that.
> But it's 100% different scenario between spouses.


If one spouse feels they have to nag the other, to me that's a sign that the naggee is behaving like a child, ie, not doing the things that started out as polite requests or even agreements between equals.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> In my experience a clear answer like "I see X needs done. I will do it in my own manner, on my own timeline" is never a good enough answer. Invariably, it seems the nagger will only accept doing what they want, how they want, when they want.


Sounds like a control freak. Works better on normal people 😁



DownButNotOut said:


> I've chosen to treat nagging like other forms of toxic manipulation. Grey Rock.


It _is_ toxic manipulation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> If one spouse feels they have to nag the other, to me that's a sign that the naggee is behaving like a child, ie, not doing the things that started out as polite requests or even agreements between equals.


Or one that's asking doesn't think the other is acting fast enough. That's probably a lot of it.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Inspired by another thread, do you nag? Are you a victim of nagging?
> Do you believe there are no other options when your partner just doesn't do what you want them to do? How does one stop nagging? How does one deal with nagging?
> 
> Curious 🤗


I hate nagging and was not a nag. I'd ask once, then do it myself, not do it at all or pay someone else to do it. By the time I paid someone else to do it months had passed by, so I don't think I was being unreasonable. 

The socks thing everywhere drove me nuts, so I stopped doing scavenger hunts and eventually stopped doing laundry until that crap stopped. It wasn't my problem if someone perfectly capable of doing laundry ran out of clean underwear or socks if they couldn't be bothered to put their dirty laundry where it belonged and lost out on extra sleep as a result. 

I don't understand why some men would want to be viewed as childish, especially if they want their significant other to have any respect for them. Taking off your underoos = hot, picking them up = not.

On reflection, after years of tolerating constant crap like that, I promise myself to be less tolerant in the future and save myself the stress of dealing with someone who simply doesn't care or lacks consideration for others. Not worth my time.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Well I have a question!! What do you do in the here and now short term, if you have a passive or lazy or self centered partner, and you really need them to do what you requested, and they won't?
> 
> Example from This is US (which I just binge watched). Couple has a blind toddler. His room has a baby gate so he can't wander, but you have to latch it shut, you can't just lazily swat at it to close. Mom asked nicely time and time again but dad refuses to tend to properly latch the gate so child is safe, and calls her repeated requests to latch the gate properly nagging. Is that nagging, a request that's needed to be made over and over for the safety of a child because an adult refuses to do it correctly?


Helpless child vs. selfish uncaring spouse... Hmmm... I'd ask him to leave, child endangerment is way more important than some man's ego.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Replace gate with one that auto latches. Add a sign at eye level that says latch the gate. Install a simple alarm that goes off when the gate is open (this is what they do in downtown buildings). Those are three actions off the top of my head.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Replace gate with one that auto latches. Add a sign at eye level that says latch the gate. Install a simple alarm that goes off when the gate is open (this is what they do in downtown buildings). Those are three actions off the top of my head.


You would do that, you have a problem-solving mindset. That artard sounds like his head was too far up his butt to acknowledge the problem at all.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> You would do that, you have a problem-solving mindset. That artard sounds like his head was too far up his butt to acknowledge the problem at all.


I’m saying instead of repeatedly nagging and the guy failing, say, “If you can’t remember, let’s do this.” Have him do that. If he doesn’t, do it yourself or get a handyman in to take care of it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anecdotally, women don't like to be nagged either and some are resistant to doing what they are being nagged about. This thread is a must read for all of the dead bedroom and walk-away-wife posters.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think chronic nagging is a sign of a persons lack of communication skills in a relationship. I think a person who is the victim of chronic nagging should carry around a pacifier in their pocket. When their spouse starts nagging, pull it out and say ahhhhh, someone needs their binky! 🤣


I think they should probably suck on the binky themselves.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> What he called nagging, I called calmly asking him to go to the doctor about his ED repeatedly ad nauseum until I was left with no choice but to end the relationship. Sometimes "nagging" is what a person calls their partner's legitimate points to make them seem petty, small and insignificant. And it says something about communication for sure, but not only for the nagger, I feel.


Yep, calling someone a nag is just gaslighting.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Plenty of examples here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm thinking that was a product of her being too much younger than you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Nagging is the #1 way to guarantee I won't do what I'm being nagged about. Anecdotally, I think quite a few men are like that.


Nothing to brag about.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> I won't encourage bad behavior. If you do it while nagged, you send the message that nagging works.


Your bad behavior is what got you nagged to begin with.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think they should probably suck on the binky themselves.


Sucking on the binky could be why they just haven't been able to get around to doing what they are being nagged about. No one likes to nag and it actually pisses some people off that they have to resort to it. If you don't want to do something, have the cajones to tell your spouse that you won't be doing that so get off your back (in a nice obsequious way, of course).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't nag. I hate it, but I realized I have to ask my teenage son to do one thing over and over. I hate it!!! We argue over this constantly. I don't know how to change this behavior.


Confiscate electronics.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> No one likes to nag and it actually pisses some people off that they have to resort to it.


My mom does.

When I first introduced my wife to her she was like Jesus this lady nags the **** out of you. Yes…. Also note I did all the stuff you’re supposed to do. I’m in the DURRRR 1% and all that, own property, have retirement, stayed married, I go to the doctor and the dentist, basically everything. Doesn’t matter she’ll find something it’s how she rolls.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> If one spouse feels they have to nag the other, to me that's a sign that the naggee is behaving like a child, ie, not doing the things that started out as polite requests or even agreements between equals.


That's right. They force the other spouse into the role of parent by acting like a child and then wonder why they're not getting laid.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yep, calling someone a nag is just gaslighting.


Yup, she used that on me too when I complain about her nagging.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm thinking that was a product of her being too much younger than you.


In same ways, yes, but based on what others experience, I disagree, nagging is a game for all ages it seems.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

ccpowerslave said:


> My mom does.
> 
> When I first introduced my wife to her she was like Jesus this lady nags the **** out of you. Yes…. Also note I did all the stuff you’re supposed to do. I’m in the DURRRR 1% and all that, own property, have retirement, stayed married, I go to the doctor and the dentist, basically everything. Doesn’t matter she’ll find something it’s how she rolls.


My mom is getting a bit older and far more blunt and direct. I talked with her today just to say hi. During the conversation I asked her what she thought about a spouse nagging. She immediately said (wife's name) isn't a a nagger, what in the hell did you do?? 🤣 Mom mom it's not about me, just your thoughts 🤣😂🤣 I am calling her to make sure you didn't do something stupid! That woman is good to you 🤣

But she uttered absolute rubbish! Grow up and learn how to talk to them like you are grown and not some petulant child.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Yup, she used that on me too when I complain about her nagging.
> 
> 
> 
> In same ways, yes, but based on what others experience, I disagree, nagging is a game for all ages it seems.


It is a game for all ages, but her references were very immature and that's why I said that about age. You have a generation gap. She has suckled at the breast of the internet her whole life. This can't be a great thing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> If one spouse feels they have to nag the other, to me that's a sign that the naggee is behaving like a child, ie, not doing the things that started out as polite requests or even agreements between equals.


We are mere mortals who are simply trying to do our best for the ones we love. Yes, many times we fail, but does our failure insist that we are children?
Not texting her back in time, not doing this for her, not doing that for her, not good enough. Guess I'll always be a child by that definition, never good enough to be treated with respect from her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> My mom does.
> 
> When I first introduced my wife to her she was like Jesus this lady nags the **** out of you. Yes…. Also note I did all the stuff you’re supposed to do. I’m in the DURRRR 1% and all that, own property, have retirement, stayed married, I go to the doctor and the dentist, basically everything. Doesn’t matter she’ll find something it’s how she rolls.


Parents nag for different reasons than spouses. Your mom wants to feel like she is still relevant to your life. She might actually think it is her job to bring up those subjects whether she wants to or not (trying to appear to be a good mom). She may not actually give a ****. 

Just "yes, mom" her and continue on your merry way. Then, you'll both be happy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It is a game for all ages, but her references were very immature and that's why I said that about age. You have a generation gap. She has suckled at the breast of the internet her whole life. This can't be a great thing.


She just didn't have good fatherly role model, only that he sucked as a husband constantly and she had to protect her mum. Wouldn't say it's the internet that made her the way she is, she simply had to make her own expectations externally as the alternative was to see her dad as the standard for the men in her life. Sadly it meant she used that on me. 

Her family dynamics is also why she was very mature in a lot of ways also immature in others, same thing happens when people are forced to mature at a faster rate in their childhood, some aspects are neglected. For me I was very emotionally immature.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Parents nag for different reasons than spouses. Your mom wants to feel like she is still relevant to your life. She might actually think it is her job to bring up those subjects whether she wants to or not (trying to appear to be a good mom). She may not actually give a ****.
> 
> Just "yes, mom" her and continue on your merry way. Then, you'll both be happy.


I just have my dad on mute. Problem solved.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Anecdotally, women don't like to be nagged either and some are resistant to doing what they are being nagged about. This thread is a must read for all of the dead bedroom and walk-away-wife posters.


And men are not allowed to complain about being nagged for sex. Because we are supposed to be always at the ready, and if not, there are plenty of other men with willing penises, so we should shut up. 12+ fking years I had this problem across 2 LTRs.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> And men are not allowed to complain about being nagged for sex. Because we are supposed to be always at the ready, and if not, there are plenty of other men with willing penises, so we should shut up. 12+ fking years I had this problem across 2 LTRs.


And we can't complain about the lack of sex, either. Because wives consider that nagging. Aye-yi-yi.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Longtime Hubby said:


> And we can't complain about the lack of sex, either. Because wives consider that nagging. Aye-yi-yi.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> And men are not allowed to complain about being nagged for sex. Because we are supposed to be always at the ready, and if not, there are plenty of other men with willing penises, *so we should shut up.* 12+ fking years I had this problem across 2 LTRs.


Nope. You have the same options as women - you know where the door is. The problem with you is you refuse to see those red flags. You ain't superman and you can't jump over tall buildings so get over yourself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Sucking on the binky could be why they just haven't been able to get around to doing what they are being nagged about. No one likes to nag and it actually pisses some people off that they have to resort to it. If you don't want to do something, have the cajones to tell your spouse that you won't be doing that so get off your back (in a nice obsequious way, of course).


Thinking if I do get nagged the next time I'm just going to be transparent about how it makes me feel and just tell them I refuse to do it with that kind of tone. Oh wait, I did, and of course the whole 'if you do it I wouldn't have to nag', it just goes in circles after circles. Well, eventually, I just shut down completely instead, and try to leave the whole situation to cool off. Then she stops me at the door and tries to make up. Then she complains about 'it's always me trying to bring us back together after a fight', and she would be right. We had pretty messed up dynamics, and this was when our anxious/dismissive dynamics really came out after our fights.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Nope. You have the same options as women - you know where the door is. The problem with you is you refuse to see those red flags. You ain't superman and you can't jump over tall buildings so get over yourself.


Yeah well, I only just learnt recently that not all women nag 

Thought it was just part of life a man has to tolerate, guess not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Thinking if I do get nagged the next time I'm just going to be transparent about how it makes me feel and just tell them I refuse to do it with that kind of tone. Oh wait, I did, and of course the whole 'if you do it I wouldn't have to nag', it just goes in circles after circles. Well, eventually, I just shut down completely instead, and try to leave the whole situation to cool off. Then she stops me at the door and tries to make up. Then she complains about 'it's always me trying to bring us back together after a fight', and she would be right. We had pretty messed up dynamics, and this was when our anxious/dismissive dynamics really came out after our fights.


Now, you know why robbing the cradle is frowned upon. Learn the lesson, grasshopper.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Now, you know why robbing the cradle is frowned upon. Learn the lesson, grasshopper.


Yeah well she did teach me emotional maturity so this cradle robber grew up too 🤗


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

RandomDude said:


> Inspired by another thread, do you nag? Are you a victim of nagging?
> Do you believe there are no other options when your partner just doesn't do what you want them to do? How does one stop nagging? How does one deal with nagging?
> 
> Curious 🤗


I think I married the only girl in the world that has never nagged me. It's the most unreal thing i've ever seen apart from never in my seeing or hearing my dad raise his voice.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> She may not actually give a ****.


She definitely doesn’t care. Her nagging is like a dog barking. It’s a self rewarding behavior for her.

My poor father runs off to the bar every day to get some peace and quiet.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I’m saying instead of repeatedly nagging and the guy failing, say, “If you can’t remember, let’s do this.” Have him do that. If he doesn’t, do it yourself or get a handyman in to take care of it.


You always know when people just don't want to do something or when it's not a priority to the. It's one thing if it's being dumb about leaving dirty clothes around, another when it comes to the safety and wellbeing of a family member, no matter who it is. That's why my reaction would be that drastic in the case Livvie described.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> She definitely doesn’t care. Her nagging is like a dog barking. It’s a self rewarding behavior for her.
> 
> My poor father runs off to the bar every day to get some peace and quiet.


That's really sad.

My mom loves to nag too. I remind her she hated it when her mom did it and that was the reason I curate what I tell her. She didn't want to be excluded from important things in my life so she's gotten much better about it over the years. She had no idea how bad things had been for a long time and was shocked about DD and my divorce. Mind you, she lived in the same house at the time all of that went down.

It was really hard to confront her at first, but it really helped us get closer together. When she slips all it takes is a gentle reminder.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> We are mere mortals who are simply trying to do our best for the ones we love. Yes, many times we fail, but does our failure insist that we are children?
> Not texting her back in time, not doing this for her, not doing that for her, not good enough. Guess I'll always be a child by that definition, never good enough to be treated with respect from her.


That texting requirement was absolutely ridiculous, I'm surprised you even entertained that at all. But live and learn.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)




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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> That texting requirement was absolutely ridiculous, I'm surprised you even entertained that at all. But live and learn.


Yeah well, I did for the most part, I do try my best for those I love regardless of special needs. Just wasn't good enough along with the other things I failed to do for her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cletus said:


> View attachment 86781


Hahaha 🤐


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Plenty of examples here:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with larentium that the text fiasco, and comparison to other men seems to be a sign of insecurity. 
Either that, or a controller both of which are based in fear.

On the texting one way i handled it in far past was to state “I love you, you mean a lot to me and their is nothing I’d rather do than talk to you sometimes I may have set my phone down or am just busy but as soon as I’m able I will return your call or text.”

A version could also be used on comparison to other men. 
Now, with that said the comparison to how other men act in Their relationship with her girlfriends could have been looking for a way to brag to her girlfriends as oneupmanship. Only concerned parties can figure that out and address it.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your bad behavior is what got you nagged to begin with.


Not even close. Nagging is a choice. I don't accept that kind of behavior. Make a better choice and then we can work something out.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> That's really sad.
> 
> My mom loves to nag too. I remind her she hated it when her mom did it and that was the reason I curate what I tell her. She didn't want to be excluded from important things in my life so she's gotten much better about it over the years. She had no idea how bad things had been for a long time and was shocked about DD and my divorce. Mind you, she lived in the same house at the time all of that went down.
> 
> It was really hard to confront her at first, but it really helped us get closer together. When she slips all it takes is a gentle reminder.


I tried that with my old man, didn't work. So now I just mute him and every now and then I check in on him. 

I don't have time to backread all the 'spam' he sends me but just breeze through to see if anything important lol


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

DownButNotOut said:


> Not even close. Nagging is a choice. I don't accept that kind of behavior. Make a better choice and then we can work something out.


Sometimes people nag because they are just miserable people. You can't please them and they nag others just to spread their misery.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I tried that with my old man, didn't work. So now I just mute him and every now and then I check in on him.
> 
> I don't have time to backread all the 'spam' he sends me but just breeze through to see if anything important lol


I hear you. I took a page out of my grandpa's book in dealing with my grandma. Hear and don't hear. He was an expert at not saying a word, but he never ignored her. He'd quietly do what he had to do or admit he was wrong when he failed to do something important. It made her feel heard, and she didn't nag him. Nope, she saved that up for us! 😂

You can't win 'em all, so best know when to fold 'em for your own peace of mind.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> You can't win 'em all…


I patterned my life after the DJ Khaled track “All I Do Is Win”. I now feel like my whole life is a lie.

Everybody’s hands go up! 🙌🏼
And they stay there!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

red oak said:


> I agree with larentium that the text fiasco, and comparison to other men seems to be a sign of insecurity.
> Either that, or a controller both of which are based in fear.
> 
> On the texting one way i handled it in far past was to state “I love you, you mean a lot to me and their is nothing I’d rather do than talk to you sometimes I may have set my phone down or am just busy but as soon as I’m able I will return your call or text.”


"How hard is it to text me back within an hour, it takes 5 seconds!"
"That's just excuses! All you do is make excuses!"
"I will not compromise on this standard!"

Etc etc

Meh, guess I just had to say NO, and break up there and then if I had to. But you know, love and all, and hope...



> A version could also be used on comparison to other men.
> Now, with that said the comparison to how other men act in Their relationship with her girlfriends could have been looking for a way to brag to her girlfriends as oneupmanship. Only concerned parties can figure that out and address it.


That or she was just using them all as a way to manipulate me to do what she wants because ultimately she just wasn't happy in our relationship.
So yeah, another man thrown in my face, whether a girlfriend's boyfriend or fking "tiktok influencer" - just break up there and then.

Oh wait, I do try, then she comes back to me crying and tries to make up and I fell for it, again and again. Then it becomes: 'it's always me trying to bring us back together after a fight' ... another nagging point.

I know her orbiters were also involved too but she would never throw them in my face, she knew what that would mean.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> I hear you. I took a page out of my grandpa's book in dealing with my grandma. Hear and don't hear. He was an expert at not saying a word, but he never ignored her. He'd quietly do what he had to do or admit he was wrong when he failed to do something important. It made her feel heard, and she didn't nag him. *Nope, she saved that up for us! *😂


OMG lol hahaha

I tried your grandpa's approach too, admit I was wrong, make no excuses, still got nagged for it.  



> You can't win 'em all, so best know when to fold 'em for your own peace of mind.


Yeah, with my dad, the mute feature is the best.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Our neighbors have been married 50 years and she nags him constantly. “Peck” may be a better word. This evening she was screaming at him that she asked him to bring her potting soil because it was too heavy for her. She made him stop what he was doing, get the potting soil for her, and then instructed him which pots she wanted filled. She stood over him yelling that he wasn’t filling them right or to the level she wanted. He mows the lawn twice a week and we aren’t sure if it is because she wants it done or if he does it so he has some time when he can’t hear her. We have witnessed a few times when he has had enough and snaps back at her and she chastised him for raising his voice because the “neighbors will hear”. Hmmm, it’s okay for her to emasculate him almost daily for all to hear but heaven forbid he tells her to stop it. I don’t know how he hasn’t eaten a bullet yet to be honest.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> Our neighbors have been married 50 years and she nags him constantly. “Peck” may be a better word. This evening she was screaming at him that she asked him to bring her potting soil because it was too heavy for her. She made him stop what he was doing, get the potting soil for her, and then instructed him which pots she wanted filled. She stood over him yelling that he wasn’t filling them right or to the level she wanted. He mows the lawn twice a week and we aren’t sure if it is because she wants it done or if he does it so he has some time when he can’t hear her. We have witnessed a few times when he has had enough and snaps back at her and she chastised him for raising his voice because the “neighbors will hear”. Hmmm, it’s okay for her to emasculate him almost daily for all to hear but heaven forbid he tells her to stop it. I don’t know how he hasn’t eaten a bullet yet to be honest.


That’s sad


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bluesclues said:


> Our neighbors have been married 50 years and she nags him constantly. “Peck” may be a better word. This evening she was screaming at him that she asked him to bring her potting soil because it was too heavy for her. She made him stop what he was doing, get the potting soil for her, and then instructed him which pots she wanted filled. She stood over him yelling that he wasn’t filling them right or to the level she wanted. He mows the lawn twice a week and we aren’t sure if it is because she wants it done or if he does it so he has some time when he can’t hear her. We have witnessed a few times when he has had enough and snaps back at her and she chastised him for raising his voice because the “neighbors will hear”. Hmmm, it’s okay for her to emasculate him almost daily for all to hear but heaven forbid he tells her to stop it. I don’t know how he hasn’t eaten a bullet yet to be honest.


I guess that was to be my future. Been spared that at least.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> Our neighbors have been married 50 years and she nags him constantly. “Peck” may be a better word. This evening she was screaming at him that she asked him to bring her potting soil because it was too heavy for her. She made him stop what he was doing, get the potting soil for her, and then instructed him which pots she wanted filled. She stood over him yelling that he wasn’t filling them right or to the level she wanted. He mows the lawn twice a week and we aren’t sure if it is because she wants it done or if he does it so he has some time when he can’t hear her. We have witnessed a few times when he has had enough and snaps back at her and she chastised him for raising his voice because the “neighbors will hear”. Hmmm, it’s okay for her to emasculate him almost daily for all to hear but heaven forbid he tells her to stop it. I don’t know how he hasn’t eaten a bullet yet to be honest.


He’s likely hoping he’ll outlive her at this point and then he can do as he wishes — in peace and quiet.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Not even close. Nagging is a choice. I don't accept that kind of behavior. Make a better choice and then we can work something out.


That road goes both ways.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Sure, but bloody hell, does it grate on you. Puts an extra burden that just doesn't have to be there you know?
> 
> It gets tiring to nag and tiring to be nagged as well. There must be better ways.


But the issue that you're being "nagged" about doesn't grate on your partner? Just do it and we'd stop nagging.

My husband is a shocking procrastinator. I learnt long ago that he's just not going to do it. So, I ask him if he can do x, he says yes, I ask when and he gives me a day/time. If that goes by and it's not done I call someone in and pay them to do it, which my husband hates, but hey, should have done what you said you were going to do 💁‍♀️


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> "How hard is it to text me back within an hour, it takes 5 seconds!"
> "That's just excuses! All you do is make excuses!"
> "I will not compromise on this standard!"


Sounds like she had a vision of how her ideal boyfriend should behave, and was determined to squash you into that box, even if it didn't fit you.

That business of comparing you to her friend's boyfriends, or random Tiktok couples, is ridiculous. No one puts actual reality on social media; it's all carefully curated. No one could live up to those standards, not even those couples!

She's destined for an unhappy life if she doesn't ease up on her expectations.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That road goes both ways.


But we're mortals 



frusdil said:


> But the issue that you're being "nagged" about doesn't grate on your partner? Just do it and we'd stop nagging.
> 
> My husband is a shocking procrastinator. I learnt long ago that he's just not going to do it. So, I ask him if he can do x, he says yes, I ask when and he gives me a day/time. If that goes by and it's not done I call someone in and pay them to do it, which my husband hates, but hey, should have done what you said you were going to do 💁‍♀️


I did, but may the heavens forgive my tragically mortal self whenever I screw up.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Sounds like she had a vision of how her ideal boyfriend should behave, and was determined to squash you into that box, even if it didn't fit you.
> 
> That business of comparing you to her friend's boyfriends, or random Tiktok couples, is ridiculous. No one puts actual reality on social media; it's all carefully curated. No one could live up to those standards, not even those couples!
> 
> She's destined for an unhappy life if she doesn't ease up on her expectations.


Some set the bar so high, nobody can qualify


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe she wanted the fairytale version.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That road goes both ways.


Explain.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Sounds like she had a vision of how her ideal boyfriend should behave, and was determined to squash you into that box, even if it didn't fit you.
> 
> That business of comparing you to her friend's boyfriends, or random Tiktok couples, is ridiculous. No one puts actual reality on social media; it's all carefully curated. No one could live up to those standards, not even those couples!


Yeah then the tiktok couple breaks up and oh so sad, they were such a cute couple 



> She's destined for an unhappy life if she doesn't ease up on her expectations.


Well I sure hope she finds someone who 'gives her everything from beginning to end', exact words. 
Or at least someone better than me because I could not be that person for her. She's still a great woman overall and deserves a good guy in the end.

Maybe she just needs a beta like her many orbiters who worshipped the grounds she walked on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Sounds like she had a vision of how her ideal boyfriend should behave, and was determined to squash you into that box, even if it didn't fit you.
> 
> That business of comparing you to her friend's boyfriends, or random Tiktok couples, is ridiculous. No one puts actual reality on social media; it's all carefully curated. No one could live up to those standards, not even those couples!
> 
> She's destined for an unhappy life if she doesn't ease up on her expectations.


Likewise he has a notion of how his girlfriend should be, so they're a bit alike in that regard.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Likewise he has a frequency notion of how his girlfriend should be, so they're a bit alike in that regard.


When she asked me what I didn't like about her, I said only one word. 

Thread title.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> When she asked me what I didn't like about her, I said only one word.
> 
> Thread title.


Yeah but you said a lot more than that on here about the problems.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah but you said a lot more than that on here about the problems.


She wanted someone who can text her back within the hour, I did that, as impossible as it may be, as crazy as it sounds for people, I did that for her. She wanted routine sex instead of organic sex I did that for her, she wanted this, wanted that, I did my best I had my flaws sure and I had my failings but I wanted to be the man for her. Sure, I'm not 100% but you bet I bloody poured my heart into it.

If she got rid of the nagging I would not have fallen out of love regardless of what she wanted from me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> She wanted someone who can text her back within the hour, I did that, as impossible as it may be, as crazy as it sounds for people, I did that for her. She wanted routine sex instead of organic sex I did that for her, she wanted this, wanted that, I did my best I had my flaws sure and I had my failings but I wanted to be the man for her. Sure, I'm not 100% but you bet I bloody poured my heart into it.
> 
> If she got rid of the nagging I would not have fallen out of love regardless of what she wanted from me.


If she had gotten rid of the nagging though do you even know if you would have known what her issues were in order to get her what she wanted?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If she had gotten rid of the nagging though do you even know if you would have known what her issues were in order to get her what she wanted?


Yes, same way in the beginning she inspired me to quit smoking to be a better man for her it could have been a possibility that I could give her what she wanted and more.
All she did in the beginning was tell me she didn't like it, it stinks, makes it hard for her to want to kiss me. No nagging, just facts. That was enough.

But who the hell knows, it's all speculation, and I use the smoking example of "inspired change" rather than demanded change because it sticks out and how I changed for her willingly rather than out of her demands. She's been nagging non-stop either than that one instance.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, same way in the beginning she inspired me to quit smoking to be a better man for her it could have been a possibility that I could give her what she wanted and more.
> All she did in the beginning was tell me she didn't like it, it stinks, makes it hard for her to want to kiss me. No nagging, just facts. That was enough.
> 
> But who the hell knows, it's all speculation, and I use the smoking example of "inspired change" rather than demanded change because it sticks out and how I changed for her willingly rather than out of her demands. She's been nagging non-stop either than that one instance.


I imagine if you hadn't stopped smoking she would have kept nagging on that since it was a dealbreaker for her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I imagine if you hadn't stopped smoking she would have kept nagging on that since it was a dealbreaker for her.


She did when I slipped, like what I wrote on post #12:

_"Also, this is about a past issue but thought I mention it.
There is something about nagging that always irked me when we dated... when I met her I was still struggling with smoking. I cut down a lot for my kid but I could never quit completely. At the start she was accepting of my struggles, she didn't judge me, didn't nag me, believed in me. And you have no idea what difference that made in my life. I quit for months, but then I slipped... and she nagged. I felt the urge immediately to relapse, to just put one in my mouth because WTF, you don't understand my struggle, who are you to tell me what to do? But I made so much progress and I was so close to the finish line. I ignored it, and pushed on. Because after all, I wanted this.
Now I have not smoked for 4 years.
But I will always remember that last push to the finish line, and how someone who once inspired me to change, started to demand it, and the burden it placed on me on my last steps. I guess I should have taken that as a warning sign..."_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> She did when I slipped, like what I wrote on post #12:
> 
> _"Also, this is about a past issue but thought I mention it.
> There is something about nagging that always irked me when we dated... when I met her I was still struggling with smoking. I cut down a lot for my kid but I could never quit completely. At the start she was accepting of my struggles, she didn't judge me, didn't nag me, believed in me. And you have no idea what difference that made in my life. I quit for months, but then I slipped... and she nagged. I felt the urge immediately to relapse, to just put one in my mouth because WTF, you don't understand my struggle, who are you to tell me what to do? But I made so much progress and I was so close to the finish line. I ignored it, and pushed on. Because after all, I wanted this.
> ...


She could have just packed her bags and left instead.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She could have just packed her bags and left instead.


That's up to her.

But I don't see how I should be grateful for her nagging at the end.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

You're a really nice guy RandomDude. And I don't say that in an insulting manner. You manage to pair niceness with confidence which is rare.

If you don't invest the time and energy to get angry, to enforce your boundaries, that's probably what you're going to get though. A woman who feels entitled like that. Even when she didn't start out that way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

gaius said:


> You're a really nice guy RandomDude. And I don't say that in an insulting manner. You manage to pair niceness with confidence which is rare.
> 
> If you don't invest the time and energy to get angry, to enforce your boundaries, that's probably what you're going to get though. A woman who feels entitled like that. Even when she didn't start out that way.


Eventually I had enough and on the day of the breakup despite knowing what she wanted to see from me, I denied it to her because I was just done with all her demands, throwing men in my face and all her resentment. Instead had her stuff packed up and ready to go, for her to get the fk out of my life, that's what she saw instead. I underestimated how much that would have broken my heart as much as it shattered hers to see that however. I remember the look on her face and how it broke her.

I do wish I am a better man, but we can only live and learn I guess. Now to spare anyone else from that, I guess I just have to say no, and disqualify the next ones more readily if they show even a hint of nagging or what not that just isn't compatible.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Oh wait, I did, and of course the whole _'if you do it I wouldn't have to nag'_


Of course! Does that not make sense? What's your argument in response to that?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Seriously guys? I thought men were supposed to be the rational, logical people? 

If I may make one of those "male" analogies, if your car engine isn't running well, you don't just make up a label for what's happening (_"it's snagging, all car engines do that in the end"_) you figure out what's happening and how and why. Otherwise you just suffer an unreliable car, or have to get a new car, when maybe all it needs is a new air filter or something. At least _try_ to _think!_ Just making up a name for the behavior isn't thinking. 

Or if you go to a doctor and say "I'm having trouble sleeping" and he says "yeah, you've got insomnia". Thanks a lot. Putting a label on it is no help. 

I feel a bit like I'm piling on @RandomDude , but he is the thread starter and it's a great example. Having said that, *it may well be that the woman was not a good partner for him* or indeed for anyone. It's not my view that every relationship is fixable. But in that situation, a good goal is to learn something about your own part in it, for the next one. 



RandomDude said:


> "How hard is it to text me back within an hour, it takes 5 seconds!"


_Logical _answer: "yes, it takes 5 seconds, if I can use my phone. But not when I'm driving or in a meeting."
_Good _answer: "so, tell me more... what thoughts start to come to you if I don't text back within an hour?" 



> "That's just excuses! All you do is make excuses!"


_Logical _answer: "It's not an excuse, it's a reason."
_Good _answer: "when you say _excuse...._ I'm wondering if you're thinking that I don't really want to be in constant communication with you?" 



> "I will not compromise on this standard!"


_Logical _answer: "Okay, then we're not right for each other, because I'm not able to do it."
_Good _answer: "Why, what would happen if you flexed?" 



> Meh, guess I just had to say NO, and break up there and then if I had to. But you know, love and all, and hope...


So to you does love mean never saying no? What do you think she'd have done if you were firmer the first time it came up?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The reason nagging gets it’s own term is because of how annoying it is. If it was effective it wouldn’t be repeated. So it’s a purposeless annoying behavior. See the official definition which matches my own.










Annoy, irritate, harassing… it’s not a request.


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## Fly With Me (Jul 11, 2021)

I think men reach women through their mind and women reach men through their feelings. 

My experience of men is that they want me to be happy, radiant, excited full of life and joy. So I need to be vulnerable and show how I feel about something happening or not happening . (It HAS to be genuine sharing not manipulative to get. No agenda other than to share.) Something like: I am feeling really sad- I miss you and I am struggling not to make up a load of stories in my head about why we aren't close right now. 9 time out of 10 my husband will come across and hug me, touch me, kiss me, squeeze me, ask me what I want to do. Which solves the problem if I am feeling unloved, untouched, unwanted and ignored.

Guys love to solve problems so share your feelings about the problem and they will solve the problem happily. Sometimes not in the way you expected and often way better than you would have asked for. You are not in control and you are not telling them what to do. You are sharing yourself and giving them an opportunity. Then enjoy what they provide without insisting it's done how I would have done it.

For women I think we need to understand. Once I really understood that my actions were consistently communicating that I didn't love my husband and that instead of being the one who helped him I was the one who was hurting him more than anyone and that was driving him away, I changed overnight.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Seriously guys?* I thought men were supposed to be the rational, logical people?*


This ^ was your first mistake. Your second mistake was assuming the nagee actually wants to fix the problelm - a lot want to kick the can down the road or wish it out of existence.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> View attachment 86781


I don't get this; but, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt only because it appears the moderators are currently overwhelmed with cleaning up threads. Care to explain yourself?

edit: never mind, I needed it mansplained.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> And we can't complain about the lack of sex, either. Because wives consider that nagging. Aye-yi-yi.


Like I said, I don't nag, my wife doesn't give me any reason to nag


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't get this; but, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt only because it appears the moderators are currently overwhelmed with cleaning up threads. Care to explain yourself?


I'm not Cletus, but I found that hilarious: "naggers" as people who annoy you (the topic of this thread).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Laurentium said:


> _Logical _answer: "yes, it takes 5 seconds, if I can use my phone. But not when I'm driving or in a meeting."
> _Good _answer: "so, tell me more... what thoughts start to come to you if I don't text back within an hour?"


I didn't use exact words but we have talked about it in depth, she mentions it's about her needs to feel connected and for her to be reminded that I'm putting effort into us and that it shouldn't be hard at all if I loved her.

She is flexible when I'm working or driving, just not if I'm free and I don't text back.



> _Logical _answer: "It's not an excuse, it's a reason."
> _Good _answer: "when you say _excuse...._ I'm wondering if you're thinking that I don't really want to be in constant communication with you?"


No go with this one, as above.



> _Logical _answer: "Okay, then we're not right for each other, because I'm not able to do it."
> _Good _answer: "Why, what would happen if you flexed?"


Don't get the answer. Can you explain?



> So to you does love mean never saying no? What do you think she'd have done if you were firmer the first time it came up?


I have said no for other issues, and she just threw men in my face for those. If I had been firmer with the texting I don't know, probably the same, who knows now really.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, I've catered to 'special needs' throughout my relationships, it's just the god damn nagging 😑

I dont think there can really be a solution for this unless the nagger 'gets it'


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> I'm not Cletus, but I found that hilarious: "naggers" as people who annoy you (the topic of this thread).


Boy, do I feel stoopid! That's what I get for not detoxing from the politics forum, first.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Boy, do I feel stoopid! That's what I get for not detoxing from the politics forum, first.


Lol 😂 

I weave in and out from there without detoxing, so I know what you were thinking 😆 🤫


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't get this; but, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt only because it appears the moderators are currently overwhelmed with cleaning up threads. Care to explain yourself?
> 
> edit: never mind, I needed it mansplained.


I'm not worthy to carry Matt and Trey's water, but you may find yourself in good company if you watch the episode online, Randilocks.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Seriously guys? I thought men were supposed to be the rational, logical people?


Not on TAM... you should know this after 2,558 posts...


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)




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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Confiscate electronics.


He hasn't had a phone in months. He's grounded now from his computer. He's very stubborn!!! 🤷🤦


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> He hasn't had a phone in months. He's grounded now from his computer. He's very stubborn!!! 🤷🤦


What a nightmare! Have you stopped giving him allowance? Make him getting any money strictly him earning it by doing whatever it is you're trying to get him to do, or he gets nothing.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What a nightmare! Have you stopped giving him allowance? Make him getting any money strictly him earning it by doing whatever it is you're trying to get him to do, or he gets nothing.


He's a very stubborn teenager. He has no money or electronics. He's a good kid, but he doesn't want to help around the house. I hope he grows out of this stage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> He's a very stubborn teenager. He has no money or electronics. He's a good kid, but he doesn't want to help around the house. I hope he grows out of this stage.


He won't unless he has to.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

pastasauce79 said:


> He's a very stubborn teenager. He has no money or electronics. He's a good kid, but he doesn't want to help around the house. I hope he grows out of this stage.


Be PROUD! For it means he is smart! 









Intelligent people tend to be messy, stay awake longer, and swear more


If you think about it, those who don't use any swear words are the ones who limit their vocabulary




www.independent.co.uk


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Inspired by another thread, do you nag? Are you a victim of nagging?
> Do you believe there are no other options when your partner just doesn't do what you want them to do? How does one stop nagging? How does one deal with nagging?
> 
> Curious 🤗


My husband doesn’t call me a nag, but I feel like one often. I truly despise the way I have to pester him on some things. He was recently diagnosed with mild ADHD though, so it makes more sense now. He lives in the present and struggles with following up and following through. Still trying to figure out how to navigate us with this information. I hate constantly bringing up things he needs to do and hasn’t done. Things only he can do that affect me significantly. 😔 I think he greatly underestimates the toll it takes on me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Skookaroo said:


> My husband doesn’t call me a nag, but I feel like one often. I truly despise the way I have to pester him on some things. He was recently diagnosed with mild ADHD though, so it makes more sense now. He lives in the present and struggles with following up and following through. Still trying to figure out how to navigate us with this information. I hate constantly bringing up things he needs to do and hasn’t done. Things only he can do that affect me significantly. 😔 I think he greatly underestimates the toll it takes on me.


Maybe make an eraser board with things he shouldn't forget to do and have him remove them as he does them. Or check them off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

dadstartingover said:


>


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


>


Yeah, that was the most ridiculous example of nagging and I wasted 7 minutes of my life watching that.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

I personally don’t quite understand why nagging exists in romantic relationships between two healthy, capable adults . If someone asks me to do something (something legitimate and reasonable of course), I’ll do it, and if you have to remind me once, you certainly won’t have to remind me twice. I care about my word and my commitments, and I would never want to make a loved one feel neglected. If you really don’t want to do a thing, why not just say so? Be up front. But know that often what you’re really saying is that you don’t care about your partner.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Inspired by another thread, do you nag? Are you a victim of nagging?
> Do you believe there are no other options when your partner just doesn't do what you want them to do? How does one stop nagging? How does one deal with nagging?
> 
> Curious 🤗


Growing up (and still to this day), I was nagged quite a lot by my mother, and I also watched my father take a lot of nagging from her as well. Even as a tween, I could never understand why he took so much, and didn't stand up for himself. When he did, he ended up getting backlash, having to grovel and bring home flowers. Not once did I ever hear my mother apologize of admit to any faults. My father must have felt like an utter piece of garbage. For this reason, I'm very aware of how I treat my partner. For us, coming to an acceptance means open communication and listening to one another, so there's no nagging on either part. If I ask for his help with something, he helps, and vice versa. We do it because we respect and love one another, and genuinely want to make life easier for one another.

So, to me, it all boils down to good, open communication, understanding, mutual respect and love.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Skookaroo said:


> If someone asks me to do something (something legitimate and reasonable of course), I’ll do it, and if you have to remind me once, you certainly won’t have to remind me twice.


Good post. I just want to add to this part. The second time should be enough for anyone, I think. You know they know what you want/need. Now if they don't do it, they simply do. not. want. to. They either don't care enough about the person to do it, like you said, or they are likely resentful about something and being passive aggressive. Either way, nagging won't fix it.


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