# Men’s sex drive as they age.



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Do men’s sex drive decrease as they age? My husband is in his early 40’s and I find he can go 3 to 5 days in between wanting to have sex. When I ask him about this, as that is not enough for me, he says that he’s not young anymore and doesn’t need or think about it as much and that I should just instigate. 50% of the time when I instigate he doesn’t seem to maintain an erections which makes me feel as about desirable as the flu. I don’t know if it’s bad timing, like he worked out hard that day and is sore, or first thing in the morning if I wake him up. 

When these incidents happen it just brings tension into our marriage as he feels like i’m blaming him for not being able to preform or maybe he’s upset that he can’t preform. I am not blaming him, while i wont lie it upsets me, but it hurt my self esteem and it has brought me to the point of where i don’t want to instigate anymore and will wait for him to be in the mood, but as he can go days without, that is leaving me frustrated.

I am worry that maybe there is something wrong with my husband’s sex drive or maybe he’s not attracted to me. We have had marriage problems the last 2 years and have been slowly improving our marriage in this time and are just starting to get some of the kinks worked out. I feel like that for a couple in our late 30 early 40s we should be having sex 4 to 5 Times a week but we average at 3 which is is not bad I know, but I could use it more and it’s not the orgasm necessarily that i’m craving it’s the closeness and the bonding. If i just wanted an orgasm I would masterbate, which i don’t do very often. 

I don’t know if maybe i’m missing the younger him who would be chasing me around the house and at the first hint from me that i wanted sex we would be in the bedroom so fast. Now i instigated in the shower last night and we went to move to the bedroom and while I’m laying on the bed he’s in the bathroom weighing himself, drying off and god know what else. He seemed in no hurry to meet me on the bed which puts me in about as much of a mood for sex as i would be in the mood for getting the flu. Maybe what i’m Really craving is the feeling of being wanted and desired as now i feel like i’m just available, not wanted, just there. 

Sigh, why is this part of marriage so difficult for some couples. :crying:


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Once men hit 40ish, there is a significant Testosterone drop off (in almost all men).

He should go get his Tlvls checked.

If his GP gives him any issues (most General Practitioners tend to not want to do this test for what ever reason), have him tell his doc he no longer wants sex and the doc will pretty much give him the test on the spot.

He definitely needs to get to the gym and start doing squats and dead lifts to help his body start producing testosterone.
He needs to change up his diet to make it more testosterone production friendly.
Start to completely remove refined sugars from his diet.
If he has any belly fat (or any other fat) in excess, he needs to loose it. Heavy lifting followed up by hard cardio for at least 30 minutes daily along with a more appropriate diet will help crush that fat (don't forget a healthy, realistic timeline to loose it as well. Fat gets significantly harder to loose in your 40's).

Also, if the will is there and the body may not follow, the little blue pill is fabulous for this. Take one of those, play around for 20 to 30 minutes and he'll be back in action.

Here's the thing that women (and most men) tend not to realize.
Testosterone, at the proper levels, is massively important to how the male operates.
If it's off by just a bit, forget about your man being...manly. He'll get slower. Less focused. Loose sexual appetite. Not care about sex. Not care about intimacy.




Daisy12 said:


> I feel like that for a couple in our late 30 early 40s we should be having sex 4 to 5 Times a week but we average at 3 which is is not bad I know, but I could use it more and it’s not the orgasm necessarily that i’m craving it’s the closeness and the bonding. If i just wanted an orgasm I would masterbate, which i don’t do very often.


*average 3 times per week* Blink/Blink stare of disbelief.

we should be having sex 4 to 5 Times a week. Tom and Jerry incredulous look!

So jealous of your husband right now


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If he is otherwise healthy, I might hazard a guess that something is going on emotionally with him. I know some people slow down with age but I haven't slowed much and I'm 47.

He might want to try zinc before going to bed. Helps raise T levels.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

What you didn't mention is that your husband has had a porn problem in the past. He is a little young to have routine problems keeping an erection. Check for porn and if that is not an issue he needs to see his doctor. There are many health related problems that will cause ED.

As for the frequency, you are still above average. Yes, drive begins to decrease after 40 and in a lot of cases work stress increases with advancement.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> Do men’s sex drive decrease as they age? My husband is in his early 40’s and I find he can go 3 to 5 days in between wanting to have sex. When I ask him about this, as that is not enough for me, he says that he’s not young anymore and doesn’t need or think about it as much and that I should just instigate. 50% of the time when I instigate he doesn’t seem to maintain an erections which makes me feel as about desirable as the flu. I don’t know if it’s bad timing, like he worked out hard that day and is sore, or first thing in the morning if I wake him up.
> 
> When these incidents happen it just brings tension into our marriage as he feels like i’m blaming him for not being able to preform or maybe he’s upset that he can’t preform. I am not blaming him, while i wont lie it upsets me, but it hurt my self esteem and it has brought me to the point of where i don’t want to instigate anymore and will wait for him to be in the mood, but as he can go days without, that is leaving me frustrated.
> 
> ...


*I really think that one's sex drive is pretty much contingent upon the individual and their physical and/or psychological health! While I'm not as randy as I was, say back in my college/younger years, sex with a wonderful woman is something that I wouldn't needlessly keep her waiting for!

Hell, I'm 65 and don't really have a problem that Cialis can't cure! 

Even if then! *


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

May be a low T situation. Have you talked to your H about getting a check up with the doctors?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

snerg said:


> *average 3 times per week* Blink/Blink stare of disbelief.
> 
> we should be having sex 4 to 5 Times a week. Tom and Jerry incredulous look!
> 
> So jealous of your husband right now


Am I being unrealistic that we could be having sex 5 to 6 Times a week? He is in pretty good shape but since I started lifting weights and I workout myself 6 days a week, he works out with me as he want to improve his fitness level too.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> If he is otherwise healthy, I might hazard a guess that something is going on emotionally with him. I know some people slow down with age but I haven't slowed much and I'm 47.
> 
> He might want to try zinc before going to bed. Helps raise T levels.


This is what I am worried about but my husband can be tight lipped and tends to keep things to himself. I will mention to him about the zinc and maybe see if his next physical he can get his T tested.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

NickyT said:


> What you didn't mention is that your husband has had a porn problem in the past. He is a little young to have routine problems keeping an erection. Check for porn and if that is not an issue he needs to see his doctor. There are many health related problems that will cause ED.
> 
> As for the frequency, you are still above average. Yes, drive begins to decrease after 40 and in a lot of cases work stress increases with advancement.


This is one of my other concerns too. While I do not believe he is looking at porn anymore as he changed his routine when he gave it up. He is never on the computer late at night, he comes to bed with me to watch tv and is never on the computer when no one is around or awake and with 4 kids at home we are never ever alone in the house. I do worry that without the porn that, maybe I am not enough to keep his sex drive up.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey Daisy - i'm 40 and would say I have a pretty average drive. Maybe even a little high, but hard to say. I've never been a "need it everyday" guy but also tend to get crabby after 3-4 days 

I find there are definitely times where I'm just too tired for good sex. Life is really hectic these days for me with a very fulfilling (occasionally very demanding) primary job, 2 young kids, managing rental properties, taking care our home property, and other family and social obligations. I try and keep good fitness (lift 3x week), have OK testosterone levels (just checked with last physical), etc. Just a couple weeks ago we had an absolute bender at work trying to submit an important contract and it absolutely sucked up all my energy. At night I just had nothing left and when I finally got near the bed my wish was mainly just to lie down and space out or sleep.

Just last night even - my wife did her clumsy way of letting me know she's available/interested and I kind of blew her off (in a very nice way). She's probably thinking the same as you today. Truth is we just spent the entire weekend traveling to a condo out of state that we're selling this week, making small repairs, driving to/from and managing irritable kids forced to the journey. By the time we got home and got kids ready for bed I just wanted to "Netflix and Chill" except didn't need the "Chill" part that night. 

Good news is that I usually bounce back when things return to normal. What's going on in your husbands life these days? Possible he's just burned out too?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

BigDigg said:


> What's going on in your husbands life these days? Possible he's just burned out too?


We have pretty busy life’s, work, kids, business. Last night I think he was just tired and sore from working out, he hasn’t been at it as long as me and I am in a little better shape than him. I can understand the being sore and i was fine with that. I am starting to see that maybe wanting my husband to be able to preform more than he is right now is unrealistic for his age. I myself feel that 3 Times a week is not much, but with no other couples to compare too I as a woman really don’t understand male sexuality that well and unfortunately do have the men want it all the time thought. This is obviously not true.

Tried asking friends, but they think 3 Times a week is too much.lol.

I love my husband and find him sexually attractive and love having sex with him. It fufill more in me that just scratching an itch. It recharges me and make me feel better about myself and our relationship. I crave sex and I crave him and the closeness we get from having sex.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> Am I being unrealistic that we could be having sex 5 to 6 Times a week? He is in pretty good shape but since I started lifting weights and I workout myself 6 days a week, he works out with me as he want to improve his fitness level too.


*NO!!*

It's fantastic.

I would love to have sex with my SO at least of fraction of what you're looking for.

That's why I'm so jealous.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

@Daisy12 Sex drives change and 3 times per week would make a lot of people happy and satisfied. I used to be a 3-4 times a day and if I didn't have sex twice a day I would be frustrated. At beginning of my current relationship we were back to 3-4 times per day some days and at least twice a day on others and all initiated by her which made it easy. If initiated by me my desire level is maybe once a day but its not urgent and If timing doesn't work then I am not frustrated and I am younger than your husband, high pressure job, travel, stress, lack of sleep, kids and still dealing with BS from my X and that is as much as i have to think and desire it.

Sex drive in men is affected by lots of different factors, Stress can kill it, general tiredness and other distractions.

The reason 3-4 times a day is possible and enjoyable for me is due to the fact my girlfriend makes me feel really wanted, there is no pressure at all so if it doesn't happen she acts like nothing even happened, she takes nothing personally and I am totally relaxed which makes it easy to get in the moment, there was an 'incident' a couple weeks ago when i was so stressed with work i had no desire at all and did not even wake up with morning wood, my GF wanted and I ended up losing my erection and then the next morning again woke up with no morning wood, I stressed myself out and thought my **** had died, luckily she told me no big deal and stop stressing, kept me relaxed and back to normal again. So the more you make him doubt himself and the more pressure and the bigger deal you make it the worse the issue will become.

I am approaching 40 and can feel difference in my testosterone levels, I was tested and although not low I am on the lower side and it does affect energy levels, sex drive, motivation etc and is a huge change from how i used to be. I am going to keep being tested privately and eventually go on TRT.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> I love my husband and find him sexually attractive and love having sex with him. It fufill more in me that just scratching an itch. It recharges me and make me feel better about myself and our relationship. I crave sex and I crave him and the closeness we get from having sex.


This may not pertain to you but from my experience and what I learnt about myself from my relationship with my X, my love language is physical touch and my XW would rarely hug, hold hands, cuddle, kiss so the only touch we got was sexual which made me need sex to feel loved and connected to her, it was not sexual it was about being close to someone, my GF is also physical touch but also HD(extremely) she is always kissing, hugging, holding my hand and touching me so I have less desire or requirement for sex but also since we are always so close sex just naturally happens more often. 

So I used to thing I was sexually frustrated but i look back and feel I was actually just needing a physical connection.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Daisy12 said:


> Tried asking friends, but they think 3 Times a week is too much.lol.
> 
> I love my husband and find him sexually attractive and love having sex with him. It fufill more in me that just scratching an itch. It recharges me and make me feel better about myself and our relationship. I crave sex and I crave him and the closeness we get from having sex.


That is AWESOME. Your husband is a very lucky man to have a wife that thinks so highly of him and wants his attention.

The 3x week thing - as a general goal that's great and every person/couple can define what works best for them. If you're even close to hitting that I'd think you have a pretty close marriage already. But just looking at my own life and if i'm being totally honest - I'd personally have trouble having GREAT sex 3 times a week. Maintenance sex probably could do that but even that might be tough from time to time when I'm really busy, traveling for work or other. Not sure it's a hormone thing or age related but maybe it is? In my mind if my wife and I were on a hypothetical permanent vacation (no kids) we'd be everyday. Since we haven't had that chance in a long while, my body beg to differ so who knows


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that on average men's sex drives decrease over time, but it varies a lot by person. 

You are making a lot of us jealous. . I'd love to experience my wife wanting more sex than I do. 5X per week???? I fee lucky with 2X/month, and that is a lot better than many couples here . Sad. 

I don't know how often I could enjoy sex. I'm guessing every other day would be about right. (I'm in my 50s), but with suitable encouragement I'd make the effort at daily ;-).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Here's what I think. I think it can be broken down into three components necessary for a man needs to be able to have sex. 

1) Libido

2) Desire 

3) Potency


Libido is the constant, natural drive or craving of every man to have sex with as many women as possible. Libido is almost always controlled completely by testosterone levels. If the levels are low, a male is not going to desire sex as much. A man can have a raging hard-on (potency) when he gets ready for sex, but that doesn't mean he has an active or strong libido. When I was young, the sight of a girl in a mini skirt would give me an instant woody and I'd be following her trying to get her phone number. Not anymore. Now that I'm fifty, I can see a hot woman, acknowledge her hotness, but I don't necessarily have the drive to have sex with her. That is a function of lower testosterone levels due to age. 

Then there is desire. Desire is a subjective, psychological and emotionally controlled function. A man can have testosterone through the roof, and have erections that could break concrete, but if a woman is not attractive to him, or there is something about her that turns him off, then he isn't going to get or maintain an erection or want to have sex with her. Also, if a man feels shame, nervousness or anger, such emotions will also lower his psychological desire for that particular woman. Hence, a betrayed husband who has separated from his WW is able to have freaky sex with a new girlfriend, but when trying to R with his WW is unable to perform or get an erection because of the shame, resentment or anger he feels around her. 

Potency is the physical ability to get a quick and lasting erection, and keep it. A man can have low testosterone and low libido but still be able to get full, lasting erections at a moments notice. Potency is almost always a physiologically controlled function. Arterial sclerosis, hypertension, nervousness, poor diet, obesity, diabetes....all these things can cause a man to have erectile dysfunction. He can desire his wife all day, but if he is unhealthy his potency is going to suffer or be nonexistent. These same health issues can also impact testosterone levels, further compounding the problem by lowering his sex drive. What sucks abvout ED is that many wives take it personally, when they really should not do so. A woman often thinks because her partner is not able to get or maintain an erection, it is because of something she is doing wrong, or that he doesn't desire her. Most often this is not the case at all. A man can desire and ache to have sex with his wife all day, but if he is unhealthy it won't matter. 

So I think a man needs to have good T levels, a wife who keeps herself attractive and makes her husband feel good about himself, and he needs to keep himself healthy as possible. All these factors play together. A man has control over his T Levels and his potency by going to the doctor, staying fit, eating right and taking testosterone treatments if necessary. Those two factors he can control. 

As for desire, how he feels around his wife and whether or not he feels comfortable making love to her is something the woman can definitely help with. If she does all she can do, and he is still feeling insecure and nervous, then he needs the help of a therapist.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Here's what I think. I think it can be broken down into three components necessary for a man needs to be able to have sex.
> 
> 1) Libido
> 
> ...



It’s hard for a wife not to worry about feeling undesirable when things like that happens. I am not some hot tight bodied 20 year old anymore. After 4 kids and life my body has changed, and while i work hard to keep my weight in a reasonable range and keep my appearance up I know how visually driven my husband is so I worry. 


Thanks for all the responses, everyone’s insight was very helpful. I think I am looking for my husband to be the randy teenager he was when we first dated. 3 days a week is probably average for a couple our age and I may be expecting too much from my husband. He does have a stressful job and we do at times have busy a busy life. I guess I will have to look for quality instead of quanity.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> It’s hard for a wife not to worry about feeling undesirable when things like that happens. I am not some hot tight bodied 20 year old anymore. After 4 kids and life my body has changed, and while i work hard to keep my weight in a reasonable range and keep my appearance up I know how visually driven my husband is so I worry.
> 
> 
> Thanks for all the responses, everyone’s insight was very helpful. I think I am looking for my husband to be the randy teenager he was when we first dated. 3 days a week is probably average for a couple our age and I may be expecting too much from my husband. He does have a stressful job and we do at times have busy a busy life. I guess I will have to look for quality instead of quanity.


I'm 52 and my W is 45. We average 2-3 times a week. Is my sex drive the same as it was 30 years ago? Absolutely not. However, achieving and maintaining an erection has not been much of a problem for me(thankfully!). However, my willy will sometimes deflate during foreplay(recently). Something I can not control and certainly a sign that my age is affecting my willy. It has nothing to do with my W. It is a physical issue that in me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uhtred said:


> I think that on average men's sex drives decrease over time, but it varies a lot by person.
> 
> You are making a lot of us jealous. . I'd love to experience my wife wanting more sex than I do. 5X per week???? I fee lucky with 2X/month, and that is a lot better than many couples here . Sad.
> 
> I don't know how often I could enjoy sex. I'm guessing every other day would be about right. (I'm in my 50s), but with suitable encouragement I'd make the effort at daily ;-).


For a little more age linked information, I'm in my 50s. I guess I could add 3 is a min, 4 is typical, 5 is frequent (counting middle of the night wake-ups - hey you awake type encounters). Every weekend at least once we take a slow time/longer than usual, accompanied by head on shoulder nap.

But like all long time relationships things wax and wane hence variations depending on work or just stuff. But neither of us stress if we're not on the same page a time or two, but that's infrequent if I think about it. I have a high stress job and W has stress too here and there. 

3 times isn't a worry IMHO, may be just for a short period.
And everyone needs a physical time to time, that would be good. If H gets a physical that's a plus.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I think it's a personal question. I'm a 50yo married man and I have no less than 4 orgasms a day, at least two of them with my wife. I get hard when the wind blows and am always up to gettin' busy with my wife. If she's unavailable then I have my imagination and my two best friends (left hand and right hand). Leftie is my go-to girl but rightie has an exotic feel that I like for a change of pace from time to time.

As for thinking about sex I'd say that trails off with age. When I was 15 I thought about sex maybe 110% of the time. Now that I'm fifty that's down to 95% of the time.

That's me.

:wink2::wink2::wink2::grin2::grin2::grin2:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> It’s hard for a wife not to worry about feeling undesirable when things like that happens. I am not some hot tight bodied 20 year old anymore. After 4 kids and life my body has changed, and while i work hard to keep my weight in a reasonable range and keep my appearance up I know how visually driven my husband is so I worry.
> 
> 
> Thanks for all the responses, everyone’s insight was very helpful. I think I am looking for my husband to be the randy teenager he was when we first dated. 3 days a week is probably average for a couple our age and I may be expecting too much from my husband. He does have a stressful job and we do at times have busy a busy life. I guess I will have to look for quality instead of quanity.


Here's what I think. If you go to him, lovingly, and express to him "Honey, I want you badly. I think you are the sexiest man alive. I want more sex than we have been having and I want it to be hot..." or something to this affect, I don't think your husband is going to deny you. In fact, if you actively show him desire, I think he will respond to it. Most men would. I know I would. And if I couldn't get an erection every day, I would do what I could manually or orally to give my woman the attention she was craving. That's what a loving husband does for his wife.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Here's what I think. If you go to him, lovingly, and express to him "Honey, I want you badly. I think you are the sexiest man alive. I want more sex than we have been having and I want it to be hot..." or something to this affect, I don't think your husband is going to deny you. In fact, if you actively show him desire, I think he will respond to it. Most men would. I know I would. And if I couldn't get an erection every day, I would do what I could manually or orally to give my woman the attention she was craving. That's what a loving husband does for his wife.


Concur. I like my W to initiate from time to time. I like to hear she finds me physically attractive. I makes me feel great and wanted. My W likes to hear this from me as well. I do my very best to satisfy my W with what I have(we do not use toys. My W has always said I came with works the best).


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, sex drive decreases with age.Its also affected by fitness levels. The big one however is how the relationship is going.

I myself, I was an everyday, multiple times a day guy in my 20s. 20 years later and a **** load of baggage, Meh, I'd be fine with maybe twice a month maybe less. Even with most of the problems taken care of, I forgive but I'll never forget. 

That's just me.


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## Noaffinmar (Mar 25, 2018)

Wow, is all I can say regarding this thread. However, it is definitely why I joined TAM.

Daisy, Yes, many people have a very distinct decrease in sex drive as they get older. Notice I said "people" not "men". As I am sure you have seen by this forum it affects both sexes. However, my question to anyone is, why is it always the men whose sex drive decreases the most seem to be married to the women whose drive either increases or just remains high and vice versa? I will be 75 in a couple of months and my sex drive has never decreased! My wife is dead to sex and has been so for years. What is even worse, she also has no desire for even affection or any type of intimacy, including cuddling and kissing. If you analyze my name it is No Affection In Marriage.

Your husband needs to thank God that he has a wife that wants him that much. I would give anything if my wife would want me that much.

I have been married almost 57 years and my wife has never made love to me one time. I have talked her into initiating sex a few times but I am sure you know the difference between initiating it and her actually making love to me. BTW, she enjoyed it when we were doing it, but it has never been like you describe what your sex like has decreased to.

Just one last thing before someone who reads this asks if it could possibly be me. I recently had an affair with a lady 15 years younger than me and there was more than one time I brought her to climax 6 times in 3 hours and every time we were together it was multiple times. There was only one time I was not able to get an erection and that was after one of those times and we wanted to do it again after number six and my male part just wouldn't cooperate with me.:smile2: I do not say this to brag, just to show my desire even at my advanced age and also just to let you know that there are men that their sex drive never decreases.

Only one other thing I could suggest Daisy. Make sure you have regular discussions regarding you desires. Communication is more important than most people realize.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*First off @Daisy12...*

First off @Daisy12...

The very first thing that you need to understand is that it IS NOT ABOUT YOU. 

There could be several things going on. 

1) Low T (easy to fix with T-shots and exercise).
2) Porn (Whether you see it or not).
3) OR sorry to say, an affair.
4) Stress, and or depression. 

So if he had a high enough sex drive to keep up with you before, then something is going on, esp at just 40. 

I will say that some guys that have some mild ED get reluctant to have sex because they are embarrassed. 

If he was meeting your needs before then even is having issues he should still be willing to fix this. 

Now, I am 53, and while I might be on the high side of high drive, But GF and I have sex between 3 and 5 or more times a day when we are together on the weekends. 

Which is actually turning into a bit of a problem because we are working on my house and on sat we did not get a lot of actual work done, but we all must make sacrifices. 

Just don't internalize this as you are somehow undesirable, because I bet you are not. 

He needs to man up and fix whatever issue this is, because the way he is acting is not cool...


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> Do men’s sex drive decrease as they age? My husband is in his early 40’s and I find he can go 3 to 5 days in between wanting to have sex. When I ask him about this, as that is not enough for me, he says that he’s not young anymore and doesn’t need or think about it as much and that I should just instigate. 50% of the time when I instigate he doesn’t seem to maintain an erections which makes me feel as about desirable as the flu. I don’t know if it’s bad timing, like he worked out hard that day and is sore, or first thing in the morning if I wake him up.
> 
> When these incidents happen it just brings tension into our marriage as he feels like i’m blaming him for not being able to preform or maybe he’s upset that he can’t preform. I am not blaming him, while i wont lie it upsets me, but it hurt my self esteem and it has brought me to the point of where i don’t want to instigate anymore and will wait for him to be in the mood, but as he can go days without, that is leaving me frustrated.
> 
> ...


Hi daisy12 sorry you're going through this. You're not alone, many women are going through the same and many end up having affairs because of the same reason you're pouring your heart here. So, be alert of yourself.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I am worry that maybe there is something wrong with my husband’s sex drive or maybe he’s not attracted to me. We have had marriage problems the last 2 years and have been slowly improving our marriage in this time and are just starting to get some of the kinks worked out. I feel like that for a couple in our late 30 early 40s we should be having sex 4 to 5 Times a week but we average at 3 which is is not bad I know, but I could use it more and it’s not the orgasm necessarily that i’m craving it’s the closeness and the bonding. If i just wanted an orgasm I would masterbate, which i don’t do very often.
> 
> I don’t know if maybe i’m missing the younger him who would be chasing me around the house and at the first hint from me that i wanted sex we would be in the bedroom so fast. Now i instigated in the shower last night and we went to move to the bedroom and while I’m laying on the bed he’s in the bathroom weighing himself, drying off and god know what else. He seemed in no hurry to meet me on the bed which puts me in about as much of a mood for sex as i would be in the mood for getting the flu. Maybe what i’m Really craving is the feeling of being wanted and desired as now i feel like i’m just available, not wanted, just there.
> 
> Sigh, why is this part of marriage so difficult for some couples. :crying:


So, one has to ask. When the younger him was chasing you around did you always let him catch you? Or not? 

I've consciously chosen NOT to turn my wife down ever knowing that it would probably crush her as you are describing. Hard to resist the urge to let her feel what it is like though. 

To your original question - personally 40's was early for me to show such a decline, 50's yes. While the thought is pleasant, if the actual opportunity for 4-5 times a week came to pass that might be a bit much these days.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

anonmd said:


> I've consciously chosen NOT to turn my wife down ever knowing that it would probably crush her as you are describing. Hard to resist the urge to let her feel what it is like though.



I turn mine down very rarely. But I totally agree that it's hard not to give them a little taste of their own medicine at the rate she was feeding it to me.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

anonmd said:


> So, one has to ask. When the younger him was chasing you around did you always let him catch you? Or not?
> 
> I've consciously chosen NOT to turn my wife down ever knowing that it would probably crush her as you are describing. Hard to resist the urge to let her feel what it is like though.


Excellent point. When younger I chased my wife around. She almost never let me catch her.

Now in my late 50s I've consciously chosen to stop having sex with my wife, knowing that it causes her to feel inadequate, guilty, etc. I have given in to the urge to let her feel what it is like to be rejected. And yes in my late 50s my drive and capacity are way down. If my wife offered to have sex at the rate I previously fantasized about, I would not be able to perform. I would rather she feel inadequate than me feel inadequate. So we don't have much sex at all. Yes, I understand that makes me a weak and selfish person. I can live with that.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I unfortunately was one of those wifes that turned down my husband as I was naive and unknowing of what a man needed and desired. If I knew then or my husband had chosen to sit me down and tell me, I would have never let our sex life become low priority in the marriage. I regret all the time we missed enjoying each other due to our miscommunication, shyness and immaturities over our wants and needs.

We both have done a lot work on ourself and our marriage the last few years to become the spouse that we each deserve and want to be. If for some odd reason he is denying me to punish me for denying him than I guess I can take my lumps and knowing how it must have made him feel, it makes me want to show him even more that i love and desire him sexually. Don’t think that is the case though, he never refuses me, I just think he’s sex drive is slowing down which I guess is punishment for me not taking advantage of it when it was high.

If newly wed couples read my a story or others on TAM I hope the learn from our mistakes and don’t let this important part of a marriage fall short. I will definitely be taking to my girls about this before they decide to get married.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

My decline came recently, at age 53. 

It happened literally overnight... the same overnight after which I woke up and found myself far less attracted to my wife after decades of far less sex than I would have liked; or more importantly, far less sex than it took to keep me bonded. It was like flipping a switch all at once, but only after 30 years approaching the switch, probably a self-defense mechanism that took far too long to kick in. 

So in my case, I have to say it is far more mental/emotional than at its root physical. At this point I really have no idea what I'd be capable of and don't even think about it because I know I am still far more capable than the frequency she prefers, and I suspect we will be that way 'til death do us part. 

It would seem that most men have little idea how much their potency is in decline since they never get to fully test it out. 

Unfortunately for the OP, hers is not the most common situation, but rather more unique and so conventional wisdom is of little use... other than the standard "get his T checked," or "maybe he's having an affair" type explanations.


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## KungFuJoe (Apr 10, 2018)

You mentioned you guys just started working out? If he's pushing himself in the gym, that will leave very little energy left over for much else. Especially as you get older.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I unfortunately was one of those wifes that turned down my husband as I was naive and unknowing of what a man needed and desired. If I knew then or my husband had chosen to sit me down and tell me, I would have never let our sex life become low priority in the marriage. I regret all the time we missed enjoying each other due to our miscommunication, shyness and immaturities over our wants and needs.
> 
> We both have done a lot work on ourself and our marriage the last few years to become the spouse that we each deserve and want to be. If for some odd reason he is denying me to punish me for denying him than I guess I can take my lumps and knowing how it must have made him feel, it makes me want to show him even more that i love and desire him sexually. Don’t think that is the case though, he never refuses me, I just think he’s sex drive is slowing down which I guess is punishment for me not taking advantage of it when it was high.
> 
> If newly wed couples read my a story or others on TAM I hope the learn from our mistakes and don’t let this important part of a marriage fall short. I will definitely be taking to my girls about this before they decide to get married.


Perfect, I suspected as much. 

So, I'd say your current reactions are not really fair. Don't conclude he's doing it due to past resentments either. 3 times a week is pretty reasonable for a long term relationship. During those years you were turning him down regularly (near constantly?) sure, he was seemingly constantly chasing you around the house. And on the rare occasion you responded he was your guy. So it may have seemed his sex drive was every day, and maybe it was for a period of time. But if you had been giving it to him whenever he wanted it probably would have been more like 4 or maybe 5 times a week and now he is >10 years older so it is 3. 

You need to adjust and compromise.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*I find this sad on so many levels...*



Daisy12 said:


> I unfortunately was one of those wifes that turned down my husband as I was naive and unknowing of what a man needed and desired. If I knew then or my husband had chosen to sit me down and tell me, I would have never let our sex life become low priority in the marriage. I regret all the time we missed enjoying each other due to our miscommunication, shyness and immaturities over our wants and needs.
> 
> We both have done a lot work on ourself and our marriage the last few years to become the spouse that we each deserve and want to be. If for some odd reason he is denying me to punish me for denying him than I guess I can take my lumps and knowing how it must have made him feel, it makes me want to show him even more that i love and desire him sexually. Don’t think that is the case though, he never refuses me, I just think he’s sex drive is slowing down which I guess is punishment for me not taking advantage of it when it was high.
> 
> If newly wed couples read my a story or others on TAM I hope the learn from our mistakes and don’t let this important part of a marriage fall short. I will definitely be taking to my girls about this before they decide to get married.





anonmd said:


> Perfect, I suspected as much.
> 
> So, I'd say your current reactions are not really fair. Don't conclude he's doing it due to past resentments either. 3 times a week is pretty reasonable for a long term relationship. During those years you were turning him down regularly (near constantly?) sure, he was seemingly constantly chasing you around the house. And on the rare occasion you responded he was your guy. So it may have seemed his sex drive was every day, and maybe it was for a period of time. But if you had been giving it to him whenever he wanted it probably would have been more like 4 or maybe 5 times a week and now he is >10 years older so it is 3.
> 
> You need to adjust and compromise.


And for me this is bitter sweet. The one problem that I never ever had in my horrible, horrible marriage was sex. And overall that probably kept us together, and that is where the bitter sweet part comes in...

As stupid as I was, staying married to my Ex W as long as I did, it was partly because the sex kept us bonded and maybe kept me blinded. 

Maybe if the sex was not good and frequent I would have woken up to the fact that she was literally insane and I would have left sooner. 

I get I am lucky and thankful that sex have always been abundant and wonderful in my life. 

But even now I have rules, some of them I had when I was younger. 

When your woman wants to make love, you make love. I expect the same from her and she should expect the same from me. Further, I will do everything possible to make sure she has maximum pleasure. 

Those rules worked great overall. But while you cannot go back, I would give almost anything to understand I should have left my wife years ago in spite of the good sex...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am 67 and went through all this stuff. I still have the same sex drive, but what changed over the course of our 46 years of marriage is our desire for each other. Has nothing to do with how we look, but rather comfortable sex done the same way all the time. No excitement, surprises or anticipation of the unknown. Just pressing the right buttons in the right order each time. Then I turned to masturbating to porn and I could imagine myself in any type of sex that I wanted. That led to not being in the mood to have sex with my wife since I had already had a few orgasms that day or the day before. 

A lot has been written about how man men are living their sex lives online and its affect on their marriage and desire to for sex with their wives. Been there, done that. You get so used to being aroused by more and more extreme sex that when you have it with your wife it is nowhere near as what you are used to getting off to online. I suggest you Google this as it is a common issue among long married couples. 

You do not have to do this, but you should have a talk with your husband because great communication equals great sex. Get him to tell you what his problem is and that you would not judge him or get upset even if he tells you that he is no longer attracted to you. Hey, knowing that is valuable too. Stops you from worrying about it. Most often he will say that he watches a lot of porn and living his sex life online as many other men do these days. Then tell him that you miss your old sex life and intimacy with him. Remind him that sex produces the hormone Oxytocin whose sole job is to emotionally bond the two of you. It is the same hormone that bounds a mother to her child. Strong stuff that when not constantly exposed to it, results in no emotional bonding between you two. That means no intimacy.

Something to try which many sex therapist recommend and which has worked for us twice, is to schedule one mandatory sex night a week to start off. No excuses and no obligation to actually have sex. Just some time to cuddle and talk to start off. Just cuddling produces Oxytocin and that leads to desiring sex. Since your sex night is scheduled, your husband can refrain from masturbating a few days before. Once Oxytocin is coursing through your bodies you can drop the scheduled sex night. You can also keep a schedule because your husband will know when to stop masturbating so that he is willing and ready by the time of your sex night. You will not keep asking him for sex and feel bad when he says he is not in the mood. Whichever works for you is the way to go. 

It is also not uncommon for men to mask their difficulty in getting erections with talk of low libido. Viagra will fix that. Great sex is borne of great communication. I told my wife the truth and we fixed the problem. She was feeling like you. So much significance is places on an erection by both men and women. It is a sign of desire and virility. If you read the posts in any sex forum you see how much importance men place on their penis size and hardness. You need to talk frankly as it can be one of many things.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> I know some people slow down with age but I haven't slowed much and I'm 47.


That doesn't count, you're fking Conan! lol


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> That doesn't count, you're fking Conan! lol


LOL!!!:wink2:


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Married people having sex 5 times a week? You mean like during the honeymoon??


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

[Yeti
found myself far less attracted to my wife after decades of far less sex than I would have liked; or more importantly, far less sex than it took to keep me bonded. It was like flipping a switch all at once, but only after 30 years approaching the switch, probably a self-defense mechanism that took far too long to kick in.

So in my case, I have to say it is far more mental/emotional than at its root physical. At this point I really have no idea what I'd be capable of and don't even think about it because I know I am still far more capable than the frequency she prefers, and I suspect we will be that way 'til death do us part. [/b]

Yeti, I could have written that too.

What I want to ask you,if this is the case, doesn't it seem more like a case of why ask because from past experience it isn't going to happen, so why try?

I think in many cases similar to what is troubling Daisy, this is one form of decreased sex drive and it's related to "it didn't do any good trying for more sex/affection in the past and the person just unknowingly re-set their sex drive.

I am almost of the opinion that me ever having the affection, sex or anything romantic isn't going to happen, despite reading post from women here on TAM they like sex. Yes there are those women, but none will ever cross my path because they are almost like finding a unicorn. OTH, I do feel a great deal of empathy for them.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Married people having sex 5 times a week? You mean like during the honeymoon??


I've been with my wife for close to 22 years, yet we're still having sex at least 4-6x a week and often more. If other married people are having less sex than that, perhaps they 're doing marriage wrong. :wink2:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> Do men’s sex drive decrease as they age? My husband is in his early 40’s and I find he can go 3 to 5 days in between wanting to have sex. When I ask him about this, as that is not enough for me, he says that he’s not young anymore and doesn’t need or think about it as much and that I should just instigate. 50% of the time when I instigate he doesn’t seem to maintain an erections which makes me feel as about desirable as the flu. I don’t know if it’s bad timing, like he worked out hard that day and is sore, or first thing in the morning if I wake him up.
> 
> When these incidents happen it just brings tension into our marriage as he feels like i’m blaming him for not being able to preform or maybe he’s upset that he can’t preform. I am not blaming him, while i wont lie it upsets me, but it hurt my self esteem and it has brought me to the point of where i don’t want to instigate anymore and will wait for him to be in the mood, but as he can go days without, that is leaving me frustrated.
> 
> ...




- In my teens, I was a horn dawg. Constantly thinking about sex and relieving myself multiple times each day. It was crazy.


- In my 20's, very close to the same thing but in my late 20's it slowed down and I started gaining control.


- In my 30's, slowed down more, much more control, normal sex drive, 3x week.


- Now in my 40's, my energy crashed, sex drive, etc., so I am on natural testosterone boosters and human growth hormone. I am now 260 lbs from weight training and a tank. My energy levels are almost back to normal and my sex drive is like my 20's again. I have much more control and can have sex anytime but that crazy drive isn't there anymore.


- When us men hit 30, we start going downhill.


- When we hit 40, we have gone downhill a lot at that point and its noticeable and in the bedroom.


- Supplements weight training and healthy diet will fix this.


- That's why the best years for us guy are in our teens and 20's and maybe even 30's. After that, we change for the worse fast.


- That's natural aging for you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> Am I being unrealistic that we could be having sex 5 to 6 Times a week? He is in pretty good shape but since I started lifting weights and I workout myself 6 days a week, he works out with me as he want to improve his fitness level too.


I love pizza, but I don't want it 6 times a week.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I'm like cuddle....I was working 2 jobs and family life was stressful with big bills and 2 little ones running around. My drive tanked and my weight gain and diet sucked. As I became more active, and workout 2-3 times a week, also challenging myself with new experiences ie...Deep Sea diving, Cattle Ranching, Taekwondo and MMA. My libido sky rocketed. I feel like I'm 18 all over again. lol

Also, went though a marriage crisis and that tanks the ole' sex drive as well. But as things normalized and my masculinity was in check, right back on track. Now the wife is telling me to slow down...lol


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Testosterone/sex drive naturally drops with age, but unfortunately so does the excitement of having sex with the same person in the same patterns. You can try to spice things up by fulfilling fantasies, using toys, lingerie, etc. or just go straight to the ED pills. From personal experience I've found that my sex drive dropped a lot towards the last few years of my marriage (only doing it a few times a week), but after I was divorced and got to add some variety back in, my sex drive increased significantly, to where I could physically go several times a day if I could fit it into my schedule. So anything you can do to break your current patterns to relieve boredom should also help both of you.


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