# OM#1 then OM#2



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

_(*Mods*: unsure whether to put this in another Forum section)_

Don't know what to make of this...anger, bemusement, betrayal...
During my 'separation' period this last Spring/Summer from my wife who was by then, 5 months into seeing her OM, I started spending time with some friends of mine who tried to help me deal with the situation: Reconcile or Divorce.
I admit, during these months, I was passively doing nothing about it (this was pre-TAM) and I remember one of these friends eventually showed a more-than-vague interest in my wife...nothing particularly alarming - asking general chit-chat about her, our marriage and just general _"oh yeah, she's hot"_ after seeing her photos on FB.

It appears that, following on from my friend meeting my wife for first time, around July this year, they really hit it off quite well so he subsequently FB-messaged her and got friendly...which led to swapping iPhone #s, which led to texting each other all day which led to late-night conversations and then something far more on an Emotional Level...which finally eneded up Physical.

To say, I felt somewhat p!ssed is an understatement...but then, as she pointed out (as she did when she first started seeing OM: _"you and I are separated_")
From what I can gather, things weren't going too well between my wife and OM and so she found the attentions of my 'friend' more than welcome.

She nows says my friend never really wanted anything serious or concrete and generally saw her as a 'target': he was intrigued by the whole scenario her leaving me for another guy and his ego decided he'd have a crack at taking her off OM#1.
As soon as he did, and she warmed to him, the novelty appeared to have worn off, and they ended up in a right nasty war-of-words about the whole sorry affair and ended things in September.
He's contacted her since apologizing but she wants nothing more to do with him. 
_(I don't have many details and she says nothing 'fully sexual' happened but of course, knowing her and him, I don't believe it)_

Anyway, quick question is:
Friends trying it on with or sleeping with your wife (during-Separation or post-Divorce): a no-no or 'All's Fair In Love And War'?)


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know that in my case, that my XW was sleeping with two men from her past, one a best friend and co-worker with her deceased first husband, the other a married high school beau of hers who was an medical practitioner. I knew neither. 

The sad part of it was that it was all going on within our marriage without me even having the first clue about it and continued on well through the separation/divorce process, when I did discover it.
Naturally, I felt betrayed and totally like the lowest common denominator that there ever had been. 

Your situation is so much worse than mine in that you knew these pieces of trash who was after your W. I'm not advocating violence, but there are cheating scoundrels out there who were in the same boat as they were, who probably are pushing up daisies for their sordid actions. No it is not fair, no more than it would be for you to go after their wives or SO's.

If you felt the need to procure evidence on her, you needed to get into her cell phone records for her call and text data. Additionally, if she has FB or email, that needed to be checked out as well. But judging from her comments, I already feel that you have already largely caught her with her panties down!

I honestly feel that your wife is "trickle-truthing" you, playing cover-up so that you will remain oblivious to what she has been doing behind your back. Whenever they say, "It never went physical," that's trickle-truth speak for "I screwed his lights out!"

You need to do the 180 on her, file papers for D if you haven't already done so, throw her remaining momentos and belongings out of your home, and go get checked out for the presence of STD's ~ the gift that keeps on giving. Additionally, if either of these clowns are still married, you need to go into full disclosure mode and let their wives know what has transpired thus far. If it's a workplace romance, then the HR Dept. of their company needs to be made aware of it!

Bottom line ~ just let your old lady go immediately. Salvage some semblance of your life and move on because there is someone out there who will love and respect you for who you are. Put faith in God and yourself and you will persevere. If what's going on is post-D, then there's just not a hell of a lot that you can do about other than exercising the disclosure route, and fastly turning your "friends" into "ex-friends!"

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have come to best place on earth for dealing with this situation. I wish you well, my friend!*


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Are you and your wife still separated heading for D?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Are you and your wife still separated heading for D?


Oh yeah, that's a done-deal...pretty amicable too...


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Eject the so-called friend from your life. That was a very un-cool thing for that POS (and your POS ex) to do. 

So how are you doing otherwise Dave? Are you dating? Have you found a new woman?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

davecarter said:


> Friends trying it on with or sleeping with your wife (during-Separation or post-Divorce): a no-no or 'All's Fair In Love And War'?)


Much more than a 'no-no.' It means that the friend isn't a friend and the people doing this, WW and 'friend.' are people without respect and honor.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Dave, I guess you already know that this is a definite no-no! Have you spoken with this POS OM#2 ? I would certainly let all that know him know what he did and also warn him to stay away from you and yours. 

As for your stbxw, I would let her know that while the separation is in place (an that this was her idea not yours), every such act that she engages in drives another few nails into the coffin that was your marriage. Like the others are advising you and have advised you, you really need to detach from her and divorce her as quickly as possible. Even if you still have feelings for her. She cannot see you as desirable until you do this and she comes to terms with what she has done and what she has lost.

Work on yourself and make yourself better in every way (that is what the 180 is for). Get yourself physically fitter, find things to do that you enjoy, focus on your financial well-being and start seeing new friends and going out.

Take care and good luck!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Let them have each other and be glad you are not in the cross fire. Out your friend to your other friends and see how they react. You will be able to tell how they react to this if they are your true friends or drinking buddies.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Of course it’s a no-no, but your "friend" did you a favor. Your decision is now easy. If your wife can’t remain faithful to OM #1 while she’s in the fog, what chance do you have?

If you want to drive her crazy and regain some respect, here’s what I would do. I would file for D as soon as possible. She will then have been rejected in short order by two men (you and OM #2). I would take the “bros before hoes” attitude. I would tell all your friends how grateful you are to OM #2 for making your decision easy. It will drive her crazy if you two are socializing. Slap him on the back and buy him a drink. She will think that you two are comparing notes on her. It will also drive a wedge between her and OM #2. :smthumbup:

I can’t see why you would want her back, but if you do, this would be a great 180.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Eject the so-called friend from your life. That was a very un-cool thing for that POS (and your POS ex) to do.
> So how are you doing otherwise Dave? Are you dating? Have you found a new woman?


He's still around...but I havent avtually called or contacted him...I guess that's my easy-going nature kicking-in again.
Ex-wife - not sure about her story either. I'm sure more went on than she's telling.
I just find it bemusing at his motives!

Yeah, I seem to be over the worst of it. I've been dating quite a bit...either meeting women out on the town or from POF (bit of a market, that)



manfromlamancha said:


> Dave, I guess you already know that this is a definite no-no! Have you spoken with this POS OM#2 ? I would certainly let all that know him know what he did and also warn him to stay away from you and yours.
> As for your stbxw, I would let her know that while the separation is in place (an that this was her idea not yours), every such act that she engages in drives another few nails into the coffin that was your marriage. Like the others are advising you and have advised you, you really need to detach from her and divorce her as quickly as possible. Even if you still have feelings for her. She cannot see you as desirable until you do this and she comes to terms with what she has done and what she has lost.
> Work on yourself and make yourself better in every way (that is what the 180 is for). Get yourself physically fitter, find things to do that you enjoy, focus on your financial well-being and start seeing new friends and going out.
> 
> Take care and good luck!


Not really....I wasn't aware of the 'Code Of Honor' between friends...I thought it only applied to current gf's or wife. Not soon-to-be-Exes or Exes.
I haven't spoken to him because mainly, I don't know the full story. He might have just been friendly and wanting more or he might have nailed her. I don't know.
I'm tons better now. I just lift weights and box...


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> Of course it’s a no-no, but your friend did you a favor. Your decision is now easy. If your wife can’t remain faithful to the OM while she’s in the fog, what chance do you have?
> 
> If you want to drive her crazy and regain some respect, here’s what I would do. I would file for D as soon as possible. She will then have been rejected in short order by two men. I would take the “bros before hoes” attitude. I would tell all your friends how grateful you are to your “friend” for making your decision easy. It will drive her crazy if you two are socializing. She will think that you two are comparing notes on her.:smthumbup:
> 
> I can’t see why you would want her back, but if you do, this would be a great 180.


This.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Graywolf2 said:


> Of course it’s a no-no, but your "friend" did you a favor. Your decision is now easy. If your wife can’t remain faithful to OM #1 while she’s in the fog, what chance do you have?
> 
> If you want to drive her crazy and regain some respect, here’s what I would do. I would file for D as soon as possible. She will then have been rejected in short order by two men (you and OM #2). I would take the “bros before hoes” attitude. I would tell all your friends how grateful you are to OM #2 for making your decision easy. It will drive her crazy if you two are socializing. Slap him on the back and buy him a drink. She will think that you two are comparing notes on her. It will also drive a wedge between her and OM #2. :smthumbup:
> 
> I can’t see why you would want her back, but if you do, this would be a great 180.


 No, NOT This!

You'd want to hang out with a guy that screwed your wife, KNOWING that you were only separated and you were hurting over the whole thing?!?!

Dude, that's not your friend! And to hang out with him as if nothing happened only teaches him that you are a push over and he doesn't have to respect anything you hold sacred.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

crossbar said:


> No, NOT This!
> 
> You'd want to hang out with a guy that screwed your wife, KNOWING that you were only separated and you were hurting over the whole thing?!?!
> 
> Dude, that's not your friend! And to hang out with him as if nothing happened only teaches him that you are a push over and he doesn't have to respect anything you hold sacred.


LOL...I was 'This'-ing at the post....not that I was gonna take him up on it!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

With friends like that, who needs...you get the picture.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP ditch the pretend friend. He sounds like a real d-bag. He is certainly not friend material. 

Cut the cancers from your life. 

I would file for D and move that process forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

crossbar said:


> No, NOT This!
> 
> You'd want to hang out with a guy that screwed your wife, KNOWING that you were only separated and you were hurting over the whole thing?!?!


Let’s try and get the facts straight. What I said was to hang out with OM #2 who took the wife from OM #1 and demonstrated to the world what a hoe the wife is. I know that it would make my decision about R very easy. I also think it would drive the wife up the wall and would also be awkward for OM #2. 




crossbar said:


> No, NOT This!
> 
> Dude, that's not your friend! And to hang out with him as if nothing happened only teaches him that you are a push over and he doesn't have to respect anything you hold sacred.


Again, let’s try and get the facts straight. I did not say to act as if nothing happened. I said to tell everyone that your “friend” **** your wife while you were separated. To me it would be more irritating for that to be announced in a friendly manner than an angry one. If you’re angry, he has every reason to avoid you. If you’re friendly, he doesn’t. Imagine showing up at social events that OM #2 is attending and making comments like: I’m glad we’re both done with her but she sure could suck the chrome off a bumper. I'm going to miss that, are you? Imagine that getting back to the wife.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

davecarter said:


> I wasn't aware of the 'Code Of Honor' between friends...I thought it only applied to current gf's or wife. Not soon-to-be-Exes or Exes.


In my neck of the woods, you don't date a friend's ex-wife or ex girl friend without asking for and receiving sanction from your friend. It the same on the female side. It goes without saying about dating current wives and girlfriends.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

davecarter said:


> _(*Mods*: unsure whether to put this in another Forum section)_
> 
> Don't know what to make of this...anger, bemusement, betrayal...
> During my 'separation' period this last Spring/Summer from my wife who was by then, 5 months into seeing her OM, I started spending time with some friends of mine who tried to help me deal with the situation: Reconcile or Divorce.
> ...


Doesn't your gut tell you the answer to this? Really? If not, then that's your problem. OF COURSE IT'S EFFED UP!!!

That person is not a friend. They are a predator who uses other people to bring in the targets.

PS why the heck are you not divorced. (never mind...I read further on)

Convenient "separations" to cheat are just cheating with approval. Crap or get off the pot!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> Let’s try and get the facts straight. What I said was to hang out with OM #2 who took the wife from OM #1 and demonstrated to the world what a hoe the wife is. I know that it would make my decision about R very easy. I also think it would drive the wife up the wall and would also be awkward for OM #2.
> 
> Again, let’s try and get the facts straight. I did not say to act as if nothing happened. I said to tell everyone that your “friend” **** your wife while you were separated. To me it would be more irritating for that to be announced in a friendly manner than an angry one. If you’re angry, he has every reason to avoid you. If you’re friendly, he doesn’t. *Imagine showing up at social events that OM #2 is attending and making comments like: I’m glad we’re both done with her but she sure could suck the chrome off a bumper. I'm going to miss that, are you? Imagine that getting back to the wife*.


Who would do that? I wouldn't make sexually demeaning jokes about my ex with someone she slept with after me. 

I don't get this at all. 

I don't know any 2 people who would have sexual conversations about a girl they both slept with, especially if one of those people was married to her.

And why would this benefit OP?

If anything, just cut the "friend" out of your life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

davecarter said:


> _(*mods*: Unsure whether to put this in another forum section)_
> 
> don't know what to make of this...anger, bemusement, betrayal...
> During my 'separation' period this last spring/summer from my wife who was by then, 5 months into seeing her om, i started spending time with some friends of mine who tried to help me deal with the situation: Reconcile or divorce.
> ...


he is not your friend.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Nah, friends don't date friends ex wife's or ex serious GF's. It's really that simple. I mean, when me and my scumbag player friends were younger we'd pass chicks around all the time. But it was never serious.

Friends don't do that. Period. And if they do then it's time for an a$$ whoopin', but this guy is probably a big pvssy and would file charges or sue you, so don't do that. 

But yeah. He's a jerk and a scrub. Cut him and your ex wife out of your life. Permanently. 

I really think there are many guys that have never been tuned up in their life, and are in need of some serious attitude and behavioral adjustment in the form of a broken face and some kicked in ribs. 

But don't do that. Just move on and ignore this POS. 

What turd this guy is. 

Good luck.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Nah, friends don't date friends ex wife's or ex serious GF's. It's really that simple. I mean, when me and my scumbag player friends were younger we'd pass chicks around all the time. But it was never serious.

Friends don't do that. Period. And if they do then it's time for an a$$ whoopin', but this guy is probably a big pvssy and would file charges or sue you, so don't do that. 

But yeah. He's a jerk and a scrub. Cut him and your ex wife out of your life. Permanently. 

I really think there are many guys that have never been tuned up in their life, and are in need of some serious attitude and behavioral adjustment in the form of a broken face and some kicked in ribs. 

But don't do that. Just move on and ignore this POS. 

What turd this guy is. 

Good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is your jerk of a friend married or have a girlfriend?

Help him out and let his SO know what he did.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

davecarter said:


> He's still around...but I havent avtually called or contacted him...I guess that's my easy-going nature kicking-in again.
> Ex-wife - not sure about her story either. I'm sure more went on than she's telling.
> I just find it bemusing at his motives!
> 
> ...


Its not so much a question of Code Of Honour but more to do with his scummy way of finding out more about your ex while you are going through pain so that he could then make his move on her. Sort of douche-baggish behaviour really. Mates don't do that to mates - pure and simple. With regard to the Code Of Honour bit, it would have been more decent if he had asked you if it was OK and only in the case of him really falling head over heels in love with her, not to just get a leg-over!


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Man are you kidding me? You can't seriously not think of this as a betrayal to your friendship. All the other buddies in the group need to be made aware of this "friend". Come on man, I know you call it "your easy-going nature", but I think there are some better descriptive words to pick than that, and you do not want to be called any of them. You need to stand up for your self. and being "separated" as your STBX says does not mean blo# my buddies.
You need to leave her at the truck stop you found her at.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Graywolf2 said:


> Of course it’s a no-no, but your "friend" did you a favor. Your decision is now easy. If your wife can’t remain faithful to OM #1 while she’s in the fog, what chance do you have?
> 
> If you want to drive her crazy and regain some respect, here’s what I would do. I would file for D as soon as possible. She will then have been rejected in short order by two men (you and OM #2). *I would take the “bros before hoes” attitude.* I would tell all your friends how grateful you are to OM #2 for making your decision easy. It will drive her crazy if you two are socializing. *Slap him on the back and buy him a drink. *She will think that you two are comparing notes on her. It will also drive a wedge between her and OM #2. :smthumbup:
> 
> I can’t see why you would want her back, but if you do, this would be a great 180.


 Okay.... Let's DO get the facts straight! THIS is what you wrote.

That he should take the "Bro's before ho's" attitude. Slap this guy on the back and EVEN buy him a drink, " Gee dude, thanks for f*cking my wife! I guess we really showed her!" Basically, you want his guy to thank his friend for making him a cuckold.

And all that for what? To show his Ex wife that you hold no hard feeling towards the guy that she was intimate with? What exactly is that going to accomplish? 

As a matter of fact, why don't you tell your friend that as soon as he gets a girlfriend or wife of his own, that he should let him sleep with her to solidify the "Bro's before Ho's" mentality!

Dude, just write these two off! Get them out of your life and move on.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Dave,

Continue with the D from your worthless WW.

Personally, I would never speak to her ever again unless its ABSOLUTELY necessary.

And I would smack the POS 'friend' in the jaw the next time I saw him and forever boot his useless a** from my life as well.

What a scumbag POS.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

davecarter said:


> Anyway, quick question is:
> Friends trying it on with or sleeping with your wife (during-Separation or post-Divorce): a no-no or 'All's Fair In Love And War'?)


That is not your friend. At all.

Cut him out of your life. I would call him on it, too. Divorce your wife. She is not mature enough to be married.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Two things:
1 - As someone pointed above, it does show what she feels about OM#1 if OM#2 can come along and charm his way with her after one meeting (don't think he makes a habit of going after attached-women, but he does have charm, confidence and good looks)

2 - As I pointed out in my original thread, part of me feels I deserve more than this than your average BS, because of how I acted/treated my wife when we were married....so I guess I got clipped by The Karma Bus!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I think you need to check out the definition of the word and concept of 'friend'

You've been taken to the cleaners by them both (all three) and she's showing she's a serial cheat 

Why on earth you'd want anything to do with any of them is bizarre. 

This is your life Dave - take it by the throat and change it for you - for the better


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I think you need to check out the definition of the word and concept of 'friend'
> 
> You've been taken to the cleaners by them both (all three) and she's showing she's a serial cheat
> 
> ...


Oh yeah, I have been doing/am doing...
I've met OM#1 once (pre-affair back early this year), I've stopped socializing with OM#2 but still talk to/text to see wife because of the kids...we actually get on okay now.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

davecarter said:


> 2 - As I pointed out in my original thread, part of me feels I deserve more than this than your average BS, because of how I acted/treated my wife when we were married....so I guess I got clipped by The Karma Bus!


IIRC, you had to watch your wife get ready to go out and meet with her OM whilst you were still married. You were already run over by the Karma Bus.

Don't let people treat you like sh!t.


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