# Why do I Lie?



## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

My wife and I were seperated for almost 3 months, and she moved back in this past weekend. ( I guess I should change my SN). We have been doing good, so far. Until last night a Lie that I told a little while back surfaced. I have made it a point, since we started talking again over a month ago, to not lie to her about anything, even simple insignificant things. Sometimes it's almost like my first insitinct is to lie, especially when it is something I know will upset her. I now make a conscious decision to tell the truth about everything, but sometimes I have to stop myself before the wrong thing comes out of my mouth, and sometimes the wrong thing does come out, and I have to correct myself and admit that my first answer was not an honest one. I don't want to lie to my wife, and I don't want to hurt her anymore. I haven't been dishonest about anything since she has been home, but a lie I told her a while back surfaced, and I jsut couldn't lie to her about it again. I know the best way to avoid lying is to not do anything that you would need to lie about, and that is what I plan on doing, and have been doing.

Sorry, I was starting to ramble.

What I need to know, is how do I regain her trust, and how do I work on my own integrity? 

P.S. I have seen a counsellor once, and am making another appointment.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Easy... stop lying!!!

What has happened is that you've fallen into a comfort zone of lying. Its become 2nd nature to you, and it rolls out of your lips so easy you don't even think about it ( well atleast you didn't till recently). You tell a lie, then have to follow it up with another to keep the early one going. My father was a master of this. She will never trust you until you change your ways. Step up and be true to her...as well as yourself.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Rob is right. You have to regain her trust. Admit that you lied, try to explain that it was from the past and you are being honest with her now. Also explain how her reaction to you re-enforces your behavior and acceptance of your telling her difficult things (including that you lied) reinforces you to be honest with her at all times.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Do you lie so that you don't have to listen to her? Sometimes my husband calls me out on this thing I do which is moan and nag if he tells the truth. It's true that I do this so there are times I know he'll tell a white lie to avoid having to hear me nag but if he gets caught then I nag, cry and moan.

So the problem in my relationship is the way we communicate and the way I respond. I'm working on that.

If this is the case in your relationship too maybe you need to re-establish a new way of communicating. To stop lying, first you have to recognize why you lie but I don't know the answer to that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's difficult to quantify the damage done when your partner tells you not to lie - that she wants the truth. You give her the truth, and then the investigations start.

We do teach others how to treat us.

And, others can easily lose respect if the admonition to tell the truth is merely a hook to dig in and create uncomfortable situations.

I call that the dysfunctional manipulative power struggle.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm lucky, I believe she is giving me a chance, I just have to make sure I don't screw it up.

Trenton, that does sound a bit familiar. I have have this talent for doing the wrong things sometimes, and doing things I know she won't like. For instance stopping at the bar after work, instead of coming straight home, or spending money I know she wouldn't approve of. Instead of just fessing up, I lie. I think alot of it is because I don't feel like hearing about it. 

There were times in our past when I lied about bigger issues, but I eventually came clean on those. 

Whats hard is that right now, even when I am telling the truth, she dosen't believe me. I know thats all part of her regaining my trust, and I know that it is going to take time, and alot of effort on my part, but I am willing to do what I need to do to keep my wife.

I have known people who could lie to their Mothers face and feel absolutley no remorse for it. I'm not one of those people, but sometimes I just don't have what it takes to man up and tell the truth, especially when it is somethign I have already been dishonest about.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

I've lied to my wife about silly things. Not cause I've wanted to but she can get so pissy about things.

She'd ask me why were you looking at that girl...."Um no honey I wasn't looking at her. I was looking passed her at that weird guy in the corner." I'd understand if I were staring at someone. But at times a mere look towards a certain direction would start trouble. Funny thing is I think my wife is hot and she very well knows this. But she's gotten better over the years.

Another time I really got in trouble by withholding information. I was put in this situation cause I knew if I told her she'd start nagging me. She still found out and totally blew it out of proportion. I think I should have just dealt with the nagging. This is a very dark moment in my life where I'd rather not even talk about it. So sometimes not saying something is just as bad as getting caught lying.

Are you almost home yet...yeah I'll be there in 10 minutes. When I know it'd probably take me more like 30 minutes. This lie is just to have her stop calling me over and over.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's gonna take time before she trusts you again, and you can't rush her, but in the meantime, is it possible that you have an OCD?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

You ever see that commercial with Abraham Lincoln and his wife who is in a dress and very plump and asks if it makes her look fat? 

Sometimes being honest with her about why you lie/lied can help her understand and break a barrier so that you can begin again differently.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

seperated&confused said:


> My wife and I were seperated for almost 3 months, and she moved back in this past weekend. ( I guess I should change my SN). We have been doing good, so far. Until last night a Lie that I told a little while back surfaced. I have made it a point, since we started talking again over a month ago, to not lie to her about anything, even simple insignificant things. Sometimes it's almost like my first insitinct is to lie, especially when it is something I know will upset her. I now make a conscious decision to tell the truth about everything, but sometimes I have to stop myself before the wrong thing comes out of my mouth, and sometimes the wrong thing does come out, and I have to correct myself and admit that my first answer was not an honest one. I don't want to lie to my wife, and I don't want to hurt her anymore. I haven't been dishonest about anything since she has been home, but a lie I told her a while back surfaced, and I jsut couldn't lie to her about it again. I know the best way to avoid lying is to not do anything that you would need to lie about, and that is what I plan on doing, and have been doing.
> 
> Sorry, I was starting to ramble.
> 
> ...


Credibility, when someone can be believed or trusted, can take a while to establish but lost in a minute or two. To have credibility we need to interact with people with integrity, the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that we refuse to change.

I guess lying can be a habit, some think it’s gets them out of potential trouble. So in a way lying is about handling problems, or not. I’ve never understood that way. But then I was a sales guy and if my word wasn’t good I wouldn’t have got very far. Once we’ve lost our credibility and people no longer believe our word, what do we have left?

I was on the receiving end of my wife’s lies and deceits. She lost all credibility with me and I simply couldn’t trust her anymore. What she deceived me about I could easily handle, what I couldn’t was the lies and deceits. I thought well if she can’t be honest about that what can she be honest about and how has she deceived me in the past.

Maybe establish yourself some personal boundaries. “N.U.T.s are your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms. N.U.T.s are the things you’re committed to, the things that matter more than anything else: your kids, your work, yourself, your purpose, your spiritual practice, your hobbies, your integrity, your morals and your psychological well-being”. For more info see http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html

Here’s an example of a personal boundary “I will never do anything or say anything that will lose my credibility with anybody. I will always behave with integrity”.

You’ve a bad habit of lying. You just need to establish the habit of being truthful. Buy the book. Work on your boundaries and show them to your wife. This way you may re-establish your credibility with her. It will take time but if you demonstrate to her that you are truly working on yourself then she may start learning to trust you.

Bob


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Well it really hit the fan tonight. We were talking, and she kept questioning me about the past, and even though I was giving her honest answers she wouldn't believe me. I told her that I wouldn't tell lies anymore. Well some things came out that she really didn't want to hear. She screamed at me for a little while and then left. I called her and she answered, from the background noise I could tell she was at a bar. I'm resisting the urge to load up the kids and go find her, but I don't know what that would solve. I thought she would at least appreciate my honesty, but apparently not. The funny thing is that I do feel a bit better knowing that the truth is out.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

AFEH, thanks for the article about N.U.T.s. I'm going to start my own list tomorrow.


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## tired of the lies (Oct 30, 2010)

I am on the other end of this....I am the one being lied to by my husband and it is absolutely killing me. I think you have to ask yourself if your lies ever help or if they always make things worse. My husband has lied to me so many time now...every time I believe when he says he is done with it and that it really is different this time because I want so badly for things to work and I want to believe in him so bad...every time it ends up with me being hurt again. After every time I start to question more and more of just anything he says even when it doesn't matter. Tonight was a real breaking point for me...I honestly dont know if I can do this anymore. It is starting to effect the way I feel about myself so badly...I feel so stupid for trusting and believing and putting my faith in him. He clearly has no respect for me if he can just lie straight to my face knowing what it will do when I discover the truth which I always do. Clearly he thinks I am stupid.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

seperated&confused said:


> Well it really hit the fan tonight. We were talking, and she kept questioning me about the past, and even though I was giving her honest answers she wouldn't believe me. I told her that I wouldn't tell lies anymore. Well some things came out that she really didn't want to hear. She screamed at me for a little while and then left. I called her and she answered, from the background noise I could tell she was at a bar. I'm resisting the urge to load up the kids and go find her, but I don't know what that would solve. I thought she would at least appreciate my honesty, but apparently not. The funny thing is that I do feel a bit better knowing that the truth is out.


When you say you want the truth, mean it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Funny, when people get angry because they think you're lying, they demand the truth, and then when they get it, they find they liked it better when they didn't know. It's like my GM used to say: "People who look for trouble must be the happiest people in the world, they always get just what they're looking for".


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

Wow, tiredofthelies, I thought for a minute that you may be my wife.

I admit I have done some bad things in the past, and I'm not proud of them. But so has she. Alot of my actions, not that its right, were reactions to things that she did to me, and me dealing with her emotional detachment.
I am working to be the man that I am supposed to be, and I can see the errors in my ways. Part of being a man is fessing up to my mistakes, and that is what I am trying to do. But no matter what I tell her, she dosen't believe me. 
I would really like to see this work, but I am getting to my breaking point. She has been drilling me all morning, and no matter how many times she asks the same questions, she gets the same answers, because I am telling her the truth. I can understand why she thinks I am being dishonest. 
Even if the truth does put an end to our marriage, I feel I am a better man for letting it come out.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

People with trust issues will often claim to want total honesty and then use it against you, with nagging, second-guessing, and complete drama.

It doesn't help them get the security they really want.

Ironically, their request for "total honesty" is a bit dishonest.


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## seperated&confused (Oct 5, 2010)

I forgot to mention, that she came how last night about 2:30 am.
She was drunk and belligerent. She yelled at me, called me names, even pushed me a few times. I came close to calling the police, but she settled down.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Seperated&confused- My Husbands lies have ruined our marriage. We have been separated for a year, he is still lying about an affair he is having, despite proof otherwise. 
His pattern seems to be to take a lie to the very end, despite proof being in his face.. He says it is the shame of what he has done that makes him take a lie that far. His affair has been going on for over a year and he continues to hide it.
We have been married over 10 years, so I can clearly see when he is lying, but he will not stop.
Most of his lies have had to do with money- how much he makes, what he spends it on, not paying bills or taxes.
What if anything will stop this, what made you stop? Do you think your wife's reactions to you had anything to do with it or was it something going on with you? My husband claims he wants to return home but he continues to lie. He shows me little proof that he is being truthful . He only promises things and does nothing to SHOW he is being honest. Does this sound similar to your situation?


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Lying can really destroy trust, and that that can really destroy a marriage. You have to stop lying if you really want your marriage. 

Your wife has a right to be angry over the lies you have told. Especially if there is this trickle truth happening and she keeps learning of new lies. At this point you need to try to get the whole truth out, acknowledge that you were wrong for what you did, and stop lying in the future. Go to the counselor until you get to the root of why you lie.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your W demands the truth, doesn't believe it when she gets it, then comes home drunk (after doing who knows what and WHO), then gets abusive with you? Hate to say it, but perhaps you should start considering if this marriage is really worth the time and effort?


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