# Has anyone stayed in a marriage for KIDS or afraid of being ALONE?



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

I've been with my husband a little over 10 years, we have 3 kids together and we are clearly not in love anymore. We love each other, but nothing like we used to be. It's so bad that we don't even kiss. As for a previous post I posted, the only attention he gives me is "aggravating attention" where he grabs and annoys me. No love, not hugs, kisses, cuddles. I've talked with him several times on how I'm not happy and I wish he would stop doing the annoying things he does and give me more attention then maybe I could fall in love again. I've suggested marriage counseling, or reading those books that are supposed to help marriages, he laughs it off I guess he thinks its a joke. Everything I say goes through one ear and out the other. I feel like the thinks nothing is wrong. I feel like I am just hanging on for my kids (although he isn't really the best involved dad either). I have no friends, so I'm scared to be alone which holds me back from a divorce. Is this okay? Should I just stay around for my kids? I'm so lost. I love him and I know I'd miss him, but I feel like we are more of roommates then anything else.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

It sounds to me as though you need to have a very frank talk with your husband, as I doubt anything will change otherwise. When he married you he promised to love you. It does not sound as though you feel at all loved. He needs to know that he is not delivering on his promise.

Only you can judge whether you want to continue with the status quo. My sense is that you may well become a walkaway wife if it does not and my guess is that the reason you have posted is because you are not yet ready to accept that that is what the future has to hold. 

Good luck


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

1. Talk less. Show him instead. 

Don't like grabass but want affection? Tell him directly that you will only have sex if you've received at least half a dozen instances of non-sexual touching during the day before. Then stick to your plan without argument. (And if he does his part, it's your responsibility to uphold your end and have sex.) 

2. Instead of asking him to read the book, raise an important idea that means something to you, and ask his opinion about it. Do not relate it to your relationship when you ask, but after some discussion, you can tie the two together. Just do it without blame or criticism.


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

Is there any way to get this post moved to "considering divorce or separating?" I didn't realize there was a section that might suit this thread better.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

You'll get good advice here, and there's more traffic than on considering divorce or separation. You'll also get some really bad advice here, and some men telling you what an awful person you are. Ignore those comments and focus on the good ones.

Do you want to save your marriage? Or want to want to save it? Either is an acceptable starting point, it's just important to be honest with yourself about where you are.

I found reading the books, even though my H refused, to be helpful. It helped me see what I was doing wrong, which helped me understand that while I felt hurt and angry and fully aware of everything HE had done badly, there was a list for me too. Forgiveness is easier when you're both equally guilty. 

Hopefully, he'll see you happier and want some of what you're on. Then you can show him a book or article, or have him take the love languages quiz. 

Good luck! It doesn't always work, but it's never a bad thing to try.


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

Thank you for the nice reply northernlights! I just purchased the book the 5 love languages, do you have any more in mind that could be helpful? I want to try to fix our marriage, but sometimes I just wonder, is happiness even possible with him anymore. If I don't have those in love feelings, will they ever come back?


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

To answer your question, yes, absolutely. But in the end leaving was the most empowering thing I could have ever done and now I quite enjoy being single but it took a number of years to get there.

My ex was abusive so of course I left without second guessing. But if yours is not (and you don't elude to it) then I must say the grass isn't greener really, and it's worth doing whatever it takes from Kathy's suggestion to the 180 and other advise you get here. 

The reality of being a single parent with primary custody is this: you do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard maintenance, car maintenance, home repairs, parenting, cooking, helping with homework, shuttling around, doctor/dentist appointments, etc. It's exhausting. There is no helpmate and even those with good relationships with their ex still have a lot of extra stuff to do that a married person doesn't. 

For instance - drop your car off for work? Who drives you/who picks you up/do you spend half the day waiting? Or your child is sick or you are running late etc., etc, etc - there is NO BACKUP. You are ON 24/7. Roof leak/toilet running/fire ants in yard/loud noise at night - it's YOU. 

I've learned so much on my own and that's great. But had my ex been your average guy I would have much rather worked to ignite the fire than manage two roles (regardless of if they are divided traditionally or not) than one.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

seriously3 said:


> Thank you for the nice reply northernlights! I just purchased the book the 5 love languages, do you have any more in mind that could be helpful? I want to try to fix our marriage, but sometimes I just wonder, is happiness even possible with him anymore. If I don't have those in love feelings, will they ever come back?


I also got 7 principles for making marriage work, but that's designed to be worked through together (like marriage counseling in a book), and my H wasn't interested. So I'd wait on that one.

Personally, I liked 7 habits of highly effective people for helping me be a better person, and melodie beattie's The New Codependency for help in breaking bad relationship habits. 

My H and I separated for a month, and my life was much easier. If you're already doing everything, separating makes for less work, because you have one less person to take care of. And if your husband actively tries to make your life more difficult, getting rid of him is like a huge weight lifted.

We did move back in together, but not because we have made any progress. I'm not interested in sharing custody of the kids or dating, so it doesn't seem like divorce really makes sense for me. Probably eventually, unless H does some major work all of a sudden. At this point though, even after all the hard work I've done, I don't see the "in love" feeling ever coming back. Worse, the "like" feeling hasn't come back. Or the respect. I'm barely clinging to tolerate!


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

Northernlights: WOW so you are going thru a similar situation, you are scaring me LOL I am so so so close to my kids. I do not even know how I could give them up for an entire weekend to him. How did you cope with that? how often did he get them during that month you split up? I am not into dating either, like why would I when I have no sex drive :-(


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I actually had them entirely to myself. The separation coincided with his mom having a hip replacement overseas and needing help, so as far as everyone who knows us is concerned, it wasn't a separation, just a son spending a month helping out his parents. But, that part was kind of bad, since I didn't have to do any of the difficult things a real divorce would entail (separating from the kids!) 

My hope is that when they hit the tween years, I'll want a break. Ha ha! 

Are yours still little? Mine are 8 and 5, so still needing me a lot. Especially the 5-year-old. We've only spent one night apart ever. The 8 year old is a bit more independent, but still a total mommy's girl. 

I'm totally with you on sex drive too! Johnny Depp could knock on my door and ask me to run away to Tahiti and get married, and I'd have no interest. Actually, given his relationship history, I'd loan him some books and recommend a good therapist. Ha ha!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

northernlights said:


> Personally, I liked *7 habits of highly effective people* for helping me be a better person


I think Seven Habits is the best "marriage book" I know.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

seriously3 said:


> Thank you for the nice reply northernlights! I just purchased the book the 5 love languages, do you have any more in mind that could be helpful? I want to try to fix our marriage, but sometimes I just wonder, is happiness even possible with him anymore. If I don't have those in love feelings, will they ever come back?


I think I should apologize, Seriously3. It sounds like I interpreted your question to be about how to improve your marriage, when perhaps you meant that you want to get psychologically ready to divorce. Is that correct? 

I have found that reading books helped me clarify what I wanted in relationships, but it can also make it harder to recover the relationship. It's as if they hold up this "ideal" of what relationships "should" be, when there really is no such thing. All relationships have some of this, and some of that, and not enough of this... and so on. 

So if I was reading and my partner wasn't, it sort of drove the wedge deeper because MY expectations changed. This isn't to say that reading self-help guides is worthless. Some are excellent. The 5 Languages is one of them, and anything by Gottman is hugely helpful, too, but I say this because it helped me recognize what I needed to change instead of helping me set up expectations for my relationship. 

I found myself in several relationships where I felt like I was the only one working on things. Today, I look back and realize I was working ten times harder than I needed to, and was going about things in the wrong way. 

It sounds to me like you're doing the same thing. You want your guy to read things, change things. It's important to understand that when you make these suggestions, what he hears is criticism. He hears the message that he's not good enough as he is, that you don't love and accept him as he is. Your efforts to improve the relationship end up damaging it. 

That's why I made the suggestion above. Men are really not hard to understand if we set aside our way of experiencing things. Take it in another way: We wouldn't train a dog by explaining things to a dog, would we? We'd keep it simple and reward the good, punish the bad. Men are sort of like this, too. Not because they are dogs, but because from an early age, they are socialized to recognize different factors than women are. They learn to pay attention to cause/effect, not reasoning and not emotion. 

I hate seeing a decade of time invested go poof if it's not necessary, especially when kids are involved! You ask if you can get back to loving feelings. Yes, but only IF you put your relationship's best interests ahead of your own, and only IF you teach him to do the same (which can really only happen if you take action instead of talking.) 

Have you heard the story about the Native American grandfather talking to his grandson and saying he has two spirit animals - the great, soaring eagle and the powerful but wicked wolf? The grandson asks which one will be strongest, and grandpa answers "The one you feed." This is applicable to YOU right now. You are feeding on negative thoughts about your relationship instead of finding reasons to celebrate.


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

OMGGG you had me laughing! you and I are so much alike. I say the same stuff, the sexiest man could walk in front of me naked it would not phase me. My kids are 9,7 & 3 and all three are momma's babies :-( I have never left my kids more than just staying the night one night at mamaw's. I am so attached to them especially especially the youngest, she has me wrapped around her finger. I actually talked to my mom yesterday and told her I do not think I could bare not having her for an entire weekend. The other two are older so I may would be a little okay(but probably still not!!) Ive thought about once my youngest gets a little older I may be able to leave easier.


----------



## seriously3 (Jan 16, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think I should apologize, Seriously3. It sounds like I interpreted your question to be about how to improve your marriage, when perhaps you meant that you want to get psychologically ready to divorce. Is that correct?
> answers "The one you feed." This is applicable to YOU right now. You are feeding on negative thoughts about your relationship instead of finding reasons to celebrate.


Thank you for the input. I am just in all honesty totally confused. I want to try to make it work, which I have for years it seems but nothing ever changes. so now im thinking of how my life would be without him, I find myself thinking of that a lot lately. I am just really torn, I honestly have no idea what I want. One day I want to read a book and try to make things better and the next I want to walk out.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

seriously3 said:


> OMGGG you had me laughing! you and I are so much alike. I say the same stuff, the sexiest man could walk in front of me naked it would not phase me. My kids are 9,7 & 3 and all three are momma's babies :-( I have never left my kids more than just staying the night one night at mamaw's. I am so attached to them especially especially the youngest, she has me wrapped around her finger. I actually talked to my mom yesterday and told her I do not think I could bare not having her for an entire weekend. The other two are older so I may would be a little okay(but probably still not!!) Ive thought about once my youngest gets a little older I may be able to leave easier.


This is not healthy for you OR your marriage.

You were a woman before you were a wife and a wife before a mother. (Assuming)

You need to have a life and interests of your own to make yourself a healthy, whole and interesting person. Your life should not be all about your kids. It's also not good for the kids to be the center of your world. They need to feel important but not the focus. Your marriage is more important and provides the stability for the family unit. Make your HUSBAND the most important person for an hour or two a day and see what a difference it makes. 

Try to think about you when you two were dating. What you did when you weren't with him. Think of the things you enjoy now and NOT the things that include the kids. Were you ever interested in art? Literature? Sports? What did you do with your girlfriends when you were single (besides clubbing of course)? What did you enjoy doing with your husband before you became a mother? 

Some day, sooner than you realize, the kids will be gone. You have to be OK with being you separate (don't read: separated - separate as in an individual) from them. Kids cannot define you. You have to have a life aside from that which they are a part of.

ETA - something I learned here is that men don't feel loved when they don't get physical affirmation. Women can feel loved other ways but men NEED the bonding of sex to feel loved. If you aren't having and initiating sex with him, he does not feel loved. A man who doesn't feel loved, won't make loving gestures for you. Someone needs to take the first step. A'hem. Hint hint. That would be you. Fake it til you make it. Seduce him. Tonight.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Seriously, a divorce is far more traumatic in the reality than it is in the fantasy leading up to it. It can take a few years to even feel like a whole person again! Plus, the financial effects can be tough on everyone... you, him, and the kids. 

The back-and-forth you're feeling is normal. I hope you both find your way to repairing what you have, though. Kick his butt without words to wake him up! You all deserve a "whole" family.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

What are the specific issues? Give us the background.


----------

