# I'm a horrible person only to my wife...please help.



## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

I've posted this in my other section but feel it deserves a new post.

Ugh man, all, I really screwed up - BIG TIME. I've had this semi addiction to porn I've been wrestling with for practically my entire life. Aside from porn (which only my wife knows about) I'm litteraly a top notch person. I am hardworking, honest, ambitious, all my friends would likely say i'm one of the best guys I know. I also have a sweet life. I'm 26, married to a intelligent, funny, beautiful woman who adds so much value to me as my second (and better) half.

I'm an extreme type A person, always critical, unhappy in general as I see ways to do things better naturally - so I'm always looking for flaws. Great for a career, horrible for a marriage.

For whatever reason, once married, porn became my silent way of hurting my wife when she would do things that upset me (or often not do things). Eventually my porn strayed into chat rooms, mostly I'd try to get into sexual conversations, and sometimes I'd simply chat with other women openly telling them how I was married and confused and how I look at porn. Half of the women on there thought it was awesome - probably because most are just as f-ed up as I am. We had a couple rough times over the last few weeks and I drove my urgencies to even have me sign up to a sex-finder type website. I put up a profile with all sorts of nasty things just to see how many people would be interested. I never connected with anyone on there, but did send about 10 messages to women.

I also, for reasons I'm trying to understand, looked for a hooker online. I found one and exchanged e-mails with her back and forth. She was all in, but I couldn't pull the trigger and eventually realized how stupid and hurtful this was. I closed my yahoo account, removed my picture and stuff from my online profile and stopped contact. I told myself, I'm done, it's over, and for a week straight (after my wife had questioned me about what I was doing on the internet) didn't think at all about porn or doing anything but good for my relationship. Well, a week later, my wife somehow found my profile and read all of my e-mails, etc. Not sure how this happened since I erased all the internet history, etc. so she must have some kind of backdoor internet monitor.

I've blown the trust with my wife, completely ruined anything we had sexual, and feel miserable, both for my wife and myself. I have no f-ing clue why I'm nearly a perfect person to everyone except my wife. It's not fair to her and she deserves better. I want to just dissappear and make these feelings go away, and especially her feelings.

I feel like this is a bad dream. everything is a blur i feel nautious and cannot eat and I just want to wake up and hug my wife.

She confronted me and I lied directly to her. I've been calling a counselor all day to get an appointment ASAP, but I have no idea what to do. I don't want to lose her, but I want her to be happy, she's worked so hard to support me, deal with my type A issues, and I've taken all that for granted.

I've never talked with, touched, or met with anyone I ever talked to on the internet. Everything bad I did literally happened in my office in front of my computer - that was the only place this part of me came out, I want to burn that computer and start over, erase everything and be the man most people think I am.

Please help.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Can you all please let me know your thoughts. i'm dying over here. i don't expect you to have solutions or nice things to say


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Porn is a huge issue for many women. "All men do it" is a typical response but it doesn't help to hear when it's your man doing it. The feelings of hurt and betrayal are compounded when your man is otherwise thoughtful. Here's how it made me feel:


I'm married to a stranger
What else is he lying about?
Going beyond 1-way viewing implies intention to cheat
I am not good enough, looks, sexually
He does not want to be in a monogamous marriage
He's fantasizing about other women when we have sex
He doesn't love me/respect me enough to put me above porn
He will probably only come clean with what I've found on my own
What didn't I find yet?
Do I even want to wait around for the next bomb to drop?

I would imagine she is having one or more of these thoughts right now. It took me a few days to wrap my head around this but I thought about it and told my husband I wouldn't mind the one way viewing but dating sites/chatting/email was totally crossing the line and unacceptable and disrespectful to me. I also said that if it has gotten to a point where it's spiraling out of control, then he needs to totally stop or get help. He told me he already deleted everything he had out there and planned to stop completely. He's viewed some since, but very rarely and has been honest with me about it.

What type of counselor are you looking for? At this point, I would recommend finding someone for yourself that specializes in sexual addiction unless your wife has already agreed to try marriage counseling. 

The best way to approach your wife is to drop the 'perfect guy' guard and talk to her from your heart. She needs to know who you are deep down and that you are far from perfect and truly remorseful for hurting her (vs. scrambling because you got caught) She knows as humans we all make mistakes, so it's not impossible to forgive but she needs to see you as a real, flawed human, which is how you need to see yourself if you really want her forgiveness.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Why do you resent your wife to the point you feel you need to “hurt her”? Since you’re a personality drives you to be overly critical, what kinds of things does she do that make you angry? You are currently seeking counsel for yourself which is a good start but eventually you will need to address these issues with her. You have badly broken her trust in you but all is not lost. She can trust you again with time and effort, but it will likely take a lot of time. Begin by making your commitment to yourself to end the porn problems. Not for her as you may eventually come to resent her because of it, but for yourself.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

thanks for the supporting advice. really. i've been freaking out all day, haven't eaten a thing. i need to get to a counselor ASAP and have been putting it off for financial reasons, but i'm at the point where i can't be concerned about financial issues.

swedish, thank you for bulleting those items, you pretty much are dead on with what my wife is probably feeling. i don't want to lie to my wife but i did because i don't want to hurt her with the truth, i always thought i could get it under control myself before it got out of hand - and well i was wrong.

i've resented things in the past about my wife not being so type A as me. she's lazy on the weekends, sleeps in until whenever, doesn't workout or eat as healthy as I do. i've come to realize hwo that all doesn't really matter because she's healthy, beautiful, has respect for her body and her own self values and priorities, but some of my tendencies to be controlling over finances and "scold" her for those other things cause fights which then cause me to hit my downward spiral.

god i hope she can forgive me, she's the most amazing person i've ever met and i don't want to make her cry or hurt anymore.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When I was young my mom gave my older sister and I some flower seeds and told us to plant them in the garden. We made a line down the middle. My sister spent about 10 minutes quickly turning the dirt (big lumps everywhere) sprinkled seeds all over the place and squirt some water on it & went on with her day. 

I spent hours turning the dirt, breaking it down into tiny pieces, followed the instructions to a tee, planted neat little rows with several seeds in each hole, added some water and packed the dirt tight. I tended to it for weeks as they sprouted up pulling the extra sprouts so they would overcrowd one another.

Mid-summer, you could clearly see the line in the garden...my sister's side with colorful flowers everywhere and my side with 3 rows of flowers, evenly spaced. Night and day--hers blew mine away!

Sometimes what we view as perfect is so far off. I (and probably anyone who knew me as a child) would say I was a perfectionist, but I learned fast after my kids were born how imperfect it is to expect little kids to sit quietly, eat silently, keep their toys all neat and tidy...kids learn by being themselves and being kids and to push what I think is the right or wrong way to do something, to act will just make them fearful to find their own way and use their creativity.

I'm still pretty hard on myself, but very laid back with those around me because I love who they are and want them to feel happy and comfortable around me...there's nothing more perfect than that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

@ swedish


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

wow! you seem like my husband to a t! not the porn thing, but the personality is dead on! he is loved & adored by everyone & i am always thinking "if they could be a fly on the wall at our house, they would be totally shocked!" he was always super critical of me. he is always super nice & helpful to everyone else! he is the kind of guy you call when you need a favor. he would be there in 2 seconds! but.....he is different with me. don't get me wrong, he is good to me in many ways & i love him to death, but there is a side to him that only i know! i suppose it is just something we have fallen into but we are beginning to change things.

first, your wife, if she is anything like me, has probably built up resentment over the time you have been together. it's not that she doesn't love you, just that she is super hurt by your actions towards her. your criticisms can cut right to the heart of a person! it hurts deeply! second, the chats & looking for a prostitute probably make your wife feel as if she doesn't even truly know who you are. maybe you don't really know who you are.

my suggestion is to definitely get counseling! sometimes it can be covered by health insurance if you are worried about the cost. as far as winning your wife back, patience is a virtue! if you are truly committed to changing things around, she will see it in your actions & how you treat her. you must tell her & remind her often that you want her & nothing else ever. she needs to hear it often!!! it's going to feel weird between the two of you, but just give it time. plan some special dates. leave her little notes. think of anything you can to show her how serious you are. then....then live the life you say you want for yourself. mean what you say & do it! she probably doesn't believe much of what you tell her so the only way to prove it is to live it!!!

how is your wife's emotional state right now? are you talking? is she giving you any indication of what she thinks, feels, etc???


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Thanks to all for their posts, they are definitely helping me. A quick update:

I'm going to my second counseling session today (alone) and had my first one last wednesday. It is really helping. I have not look at or touched porn or any chat sites, etc in....17 days I believe. I feel like a new man and hopefully can keep up the strong habits until they are real habits.

My wife and I are doing much much better, but it's still going to take time. We had a BRUTAL fight this Friday, ended up calling the counselor. The fight started because we went and saw the movie "Fireproof" - it was UNBELIEVABLY similar to exactly what we are going through. The end of the movie is positive but the first 3/4s or more of the movie is all negative, a marriage crippling, not talking, awful and it was really hard for me to sit there. I felt like my wife set me up to simply make me feel even worse about what I've been doing.

I went home after the movie and just wanted to go to bed. My wife got hyper and pressed me to talk to me even after I said i didn't. I asked her if she knew what the movie was really about 3 times and she said no each time and after the 3rd time she blew up and screamed at me saying i'm the only one who lies. that crushed me and the progress I've made the last two weeks, made me feel worthless, depressed, frustrated etc. I turned over and cried myself to sleep, and my wife barged in after a half hour of building up her anger and screamed at me, calling me a ***** for not sharing her feelings, threatening me with divorce, etc. I screamed back saying what more do you want from me, I've done everything right for the last two weeks, etc.

We called the counselor who calmed us down, and then we lightly talked about it and have had the best 3 days ever.

It's soooo hard and sooo confusing, we're like a roller coaster. My wife goes from screaming at me calling me a liar and a ***** and not a man, to saying I'm the best person in the world and I make her sooo happy the very next day.

Hopefully the next counseling session will be good as well, I think we have a really good counselor. and well, the cost sucks, but it's worth it. I guess I have to expect a few reactions like that from my wife due to what's happened, but I feel like there's NOTHING I can do in those situations to avoid panic, fear, and retaliation.......


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> I went home after the movie and just wanted to go to bed. My wife got hyper and pressed me to talk to me even after I said i didn't. I asked her if she knew what the movie was really about 3 times and she said no each time and after the 3rd time she blew up and screamed at me saying i'm the only one who lies. that crushed me and the progress I've made the last two weeks, made me feel worthless, depressed, frustrated etc. I turned over and cried myself to sleep, and my wife barged in after a half hour of building up her anger and screamed at me, calling me a ***** for not sharing her feelings, threatening me with divorce, etc. I screamed back saying what more do you want from me, I've done everything right for the last two weeks, etc.


Its eery how unbelieably similiar our situations are. Aside from a few details (my H goes to counseling on saturday), I thought you were him for a second. 

Funny, too b/c im actually in the process of not speaking to him right now. We had our own "blow up" fight last night. I left and went to a hotel and now have my bag with me and wont be going home until i feel like it. 

My H gives me that attitude, too. The "ive done everything i can and you are just trying to make me feel guilty" attitude. Maybe i can help you understand (b/c im certinaly not getting through to my H) that this is not about you. Its not about making you feel guilty or hurting you, or making you 'pay'. Your wife is just hurt. and when she's hurt and vulnerable, it comes out in a rage. She wants to feel better, just like you do. But you're going to have to deal with it and learn to apologize every time something sets her off. She escalates b/c you get defensive. She needs to know you care enough to put your ego aside and see what you've done to her heart. 

When you saw the movie, did you think to do what he did? There is actually a book called "The Love Dare."

She's confused. She doesnt know what's going to trigger her next anxiety attack. and until she isnt so hurt and vulnerable it'll come out as anger. 

she doesnt know any more then you do what will make it better. it takes a long time to heal b/c the person that is hurt is learning what they need, too. 

Its taken me an unbelievably long time to cool my temper. I've called my H some pretty mean things. I've destroyed some of his stuff. I hope your wife goes to counseling so she can regain her calm. i hope she learns that her self worth isnt affected by your bad decisions. but that's a hard thing to learn. 

I hope you guys can work it out. I am really struggling in my relationship and not sure i'm gonna make it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

She probably reacted out of hurt and was hoping you would say 'wow, i really get how you must have been feeling when I looked at porn' and didn't realize the state of mind, guilt, etc watching that movie put you through, so you in turn were hurt by her insensitivity. It's difficult right now because you are both struggling with these feelings and want the other to be understanding. She wants you to open up and make her see that you get how she felt. You want her to be understanding of your progress and how difficult it is for you to keep talking about it because of the guilt and negative feelings that it brings to the surface. I am glad you like your counselor. Be patient, you are on the right track.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Ltjseng - thanks for the notes. I see where you're coming from and how yes, I suppose I can expect outbursts from time to time given what's happened.

I think the movie actually helped my wife because she realized that I wasn't a bad as that husband regarding non-porn issues. Like I clean up around the house, do the dishes after she cooks, etc.

To help you out - from my perspective, when I have unconditional support from my wife, it makes me go through the roof in terms of desire and effort to fix this and to please her. I do things that are caring, put in lots of effort, and it makes me completely forget about porn. It makes me think, wow this woman is incredible, look what I've spiraled downward to do, and she is supporting me and is there for me.

What sets me off are comments like - "You are the only one that lies" and she even said "I'm going to F--k someone else and c-m hard so you know what I'm feeling" Not that I don't deserve that, but that comment will probably scar me for life, and I'm scared if she will do that to get back at me, and I think that would probably not help the situation AT ALL.

Given the similarities here, please ask anything you want to learn about what it's like from my perspective. Did you guys see that movie too? How often are you fighting? Are there good times and bad?

My wife and I have BRUTAL fights, but the in-between part is the best it's ever been right now, we just need to work on limiting the severity of our fights.

Are you seeing a counselor as well? My wife is going to start seeing on on the side, assuming we can afford it, and I think it will be worth it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> It makes me think, wow this woman is incredible, look what I've spiraled downward to do, and she is supporting me and is there for me.


Ya, I realized this one after my H got back from one of his counseling sessions. i asked him how it went and he said, "She believes in me. she thinks i can beat this." the look of relief on his face really shocked me. I was so consumed by how it was affecting me that I didnt even realize how stressed out he was. It never occurred to me that he needed my support. Strange, i know, but i realize it now.



seekingAdvice3 said:


> What sets me off are comments like - "You are the only one that lies" and she even said "I'm going to F--k someone else and c-m hard so you know what I'm feeling" Not that I don't deserve that, but that comment will probably scar me for life, and I'm scared if she will do that to get back at me, and I think that would probably not help the situation AT ALL.


Oh ya definitely sounds like something I'd say. I've said some really mean things. It has scared him. but rightfully so b/c i did start emailing an old boyfriend of mine and he found the email. There was a time when i honestly thought he deserved it, but i guess im growing out of it b/c of course no one deserves that.



seekingAdvice3 said:


> Given the similarities here, please ask anything you want to learn about what it's like from my perspective.


ok well one thing i'd like to know is if you still have a good sex life with her? if that's not too personal. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> Did you guys see that movie too? How often are you fighting? Are there good times and bad?


Ya, we saw the movie. im disappointed he didnt get anything out of it, but c'est la vive. i used to bring it up, maybe in a spastic way, but i just dont mention it anymore. we dont fight that much now. Just every few weeks or so but its really nothing. there's no more yelling or name calling on my part, and he will usually give me an authentic apology. 

As far as the good times and bad times, in the beginning of all this there was some good times and bad times. It was very emotional and all over the place, but now, for me, there is just a base gloom. he probably thinks everything is great b/c we dont fight that much anymore. but its because i realize he's not who i thought he was and im not sure i want to be with him. ive almost completely pulled away. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> My wife and I have BRUTAL fights, but the in-between part is the best it's ever been right now, we just need to work on limiting the severity of our fights.


Ya, that is what im working on, limiting the severity of the fights. We've had some very brutal (non physical) fights. My H actually told me he was scared of me. cant blame him. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> Are you seeing a counselor as well? My wife is going to start seeing on on the side, assuming we can afford it, and I think it will be worth it.


Ya, i go to my own and he goes to his own. I dont really like joint counseling. i dont think its very productive for us at this point.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Our sex life was pretty darn good up until about a month ago. She missed her birth control shot and was bleeding heavily becuase of it for 2 straight weeks, then all this **** hit the fan so we haven't done anything in a good month and a half now. But the counselor aslo did say no masturbating for me and no sex for us while I recover and beat this.

Odly, the up until all this stuff, the 4 months or so prior were actually pretty good for us. less fighting etc, but that is also when my porn addiction and thirst to cheat went through the roof. I think because I realized I just couldn't even talk to my wife about my feelings and what upset me without her flipping out, and the fact that I held it in, was better on the outside for our relationship, but I was doing horrible things in secrecy to "take it out"

I am dying to meet with the counselor again today. It's honestly like the highlight of my week because I can just talk to someone who is listening not judging, not taking offense, no defensiveness, it's liberating.

I'm having serious serious doubts though that this person is right for me. Maybe I'm driven so much to porn and even to think so much about cheating because I'm looking for a way out, and I'm craving someone else? Or maybe it's because I've been addicted to porn for a solid 6 years...that is something I'm paying the counselor for, and I hope she can figure this out with me soon. I go crazy analyzing things, up in cloud 9 on day, in the dumps the next minute thinking we're not right and cannot make it and she's not trying like I am, etc.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> But the counselor aslo did say no masturbating for me and no sex for us while I recover and beat this.


Well, Im glad to hear it. Only b/c ive come to this conclusion on my own. we never had a counselor say this, but its what i felt was right and is what we are doing. its not punitive on my part, it just feels like the right thing to do to work through this. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> I think because I realized I just couldn't even talk to my wife about my feelings and what upset me without her flipping out, and the fact that I held it in, was better on the outside for our relationship, but I was doing horrible things in secrecy to "take it out".


Ya my H held it in too and the addiction got worse. I did lose it so it only caused him to withdrawal more. His counselor has been really good. she gave him a list of emotions and a couple times a week when i ask him how he is, and he jsut shrugs his shoulders, i'll ask him to point it out on the list. That has really hleped him feel more comfortable talking to me. And of course its really helping me understand how he's feeling. I had no idea before. Of course, this is after ive calmed down and dont fly off the handle. Its only been recently that i even care how he's doing. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> I am dying to meet with the counselor again today. It's honestly like the highlight of my week because I can just talk to someone who is listening not judging, not taking offense, no defensiveness, it's liberating.


that's good. i know what you mean. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> I'm having serious serious doubts though that this person is right for me. Maybe...I'm looking for a way out, and I'm craving someone else? I go crazy analyzing things, up in cloud 9 on day, in the dumps the next minute thinking we're not right and cannot make it and she's not trying like I am, etc.


Well now you're starting to sound like me...lol. My counselor told me its ok to be confused right now b/c of everything that has happened. she told me not to make any decisions just yet, but to work through the confusion. it sounds like you have a really great counselor, too. I'm glad its helping you. 

Of course, i often wonder if these are the thoughts that go through my H's head and he's just affraid to tell me b/c he's afriad i'll blow up again....


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Of course, i often wonder if these are the thoughts that go through my H's head and he's just affraid to tell me b/c he's afriad i'll blow up again....


I guarrantee these thoughts go through your husbands head, but that doesn't mean he wants to act on them. He's probably just as confused as you. I feel very trapped at times and scared to talk to my wife, which just makes my mind race even more about bad thoughts, but it doesn't mean that's what I want. For me, it's a rollar coaster right now, and I know my wife is doing the same. If he has a good counselor, he/she is telling him to work in improving himself - focusing on himself, taking the high road and there is no guarrantee you'll be there, but he needs to know and accept that. If he does improve and continues to take the high road and you aren't there supporting that and doing things that you need to do...... it speaks for itself.

In addition, try to focus on improving yourself. Yes he's the one who really screwed up, just as I did, but my wife did A LOT to drive me there (scaring me into not being able to talk things out with her without a flip out), so tell him you really appreciate what he's doing and it must be hard work, and that you're going to continue to work on yourself.

Lastly, encourage him to simply be honest with you and make a commitment to listen and not "flip out" or blame him for things-that will help him feel comfortable sharing things with you, which in turn is best for you!

I had a great counseling session last night if you can't tell ). I learned that I deal with anxiety in two ways - one is my constantly moving, cracking my knuckles, picking at my skin, etc. and the other is compulsively masturbating mainly while looking at porn. She said we need to work to raise my tolerance of anxiety first, to recognize at the VERY beginning when I begin to feel anxious, and finally, how to understand/accept my feelings when I'm anxious and how to take the best road to deal with them (not temporarily push it aside by masturbating, etc.).

Finally, I also learned to handle myself in the relationship and let you, or my wife, take care of herself, rather than trying to take care of her and not myself - BIG difference and if I can keep that frame of reference I think it will be huge. If my wife sees me constantly listening to her, working on myself, reading books, going to counseling? Who would begin to love and trust a person like that? If she doesn't, and I've accepted this as a possiblilty, we're not right for each other. Either way, we're both still good people and as far as I can tell we're both still committed to working at it and that's KEY.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> I guarrantee these thoughts go through your husbands head, but that doesn't mean he wants to act on them. He's probably just as confused as you.


Ya, i didnt used to think he was confused. but now i realize just how confused he is. our future should be interesting. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> In addition, try to focus on improving yourself. Yes he's the one who really screwed up, just as I did, but my wife did A LOT to drive me there.


Ya, definetly figured this one out. although i would disagree that i drove him to do anything, since i think he's completely responsible for his own choice and i do not "make" him do anything, I can see how badly I've reacted. I can see that my own reactions were also my choice and he didnt make me do anything either. So ive certainly worked on controlling my temper. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> tell him you really appreciate what he's doing and it must be hard work, and that you're going to continue to work on yourself.


I have started doing this. I never realized it was so important to him. i think im a little emotionally out of tune myself. lol



seekingAdvice3 said:


> Lastly, encourage him to simply be honest with you


Actually i dont encourage him to be hoenst with me. I tried that and he lied to me anyway. I actually left him for a few months b/c he agreed not to lie to me and did it anyway. so ive come to the conclusion that lying is as much a part of the addiction as is the porn, and i only asked that he make an effort to quit the porn, so following that i will only ask that he make an effort not to lie. and now that im in a better place myself, i really dont care if he's hiding it or not. If that's what he watns to do, then i will know. ive been around him enough now to notice when he changes from watching and hiding porn. and ive learned enough about boundaries to not need to know exactly what he's doing, but to understand his behavior and act accordingly. 

He actually had one counselor that told him not to tell me. thats why he lied about it again. after i left for a couple months, then came back and we talked about it, in a way i can understand why he doesnt need to tell me. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> and not "flip out" or blame him for things-that will help him feel comfortable sharing things with you, which in turn is best for you!


This has been the hardest challenge for me on a lot of levels. Its probably as hard for me to work through this as it is for you to work through your addiction. I cant really promise him i wont flip out. of course that is what im trying to accomplish, but its hard. i dont always know what causes me to freak. ive never been this way in my entire life. ive never raised my voice to anyone, ever. so im as baffled by my behavior as he is. 

And of course on top of that is still the resentment i harbor towards him. do i actually care what his side of the story is??? not really. but im working on it. i dont know that i even want him to share his feelings with me. after what he's put me through, i dont know that i actually care.

I think under all of it is his desire, like you, to be with someone else. so why would i put all that effort into caring about him, after all the crap ive gone through loving him, just to have it all thrown in my face again when he figures out he actually wants to leave? that's my dilemma right now, i think. 

Of course if i dont try, then i might just create a self-fulfilling prophecy. so its really a dilemma for me. like a catch-22. 



seekingAdvice3 said:


> I had a great counseling session last night if you can't tell ). She said we need to work to raise my tolerance of anxiety first, to recognize at the VERY beginning when I begin to feel anxious, and finally, how to understand/accept my feelings when I'm anxious and how to take the best road to deal with them (not temporarily push it aside by masturbating, etc.).
> 
> Finally, I also learned to handle myself in the relationship and let you, or my wife, take care of herself, rather than trying to take care of her and not myself - BIG difference and if I can keep that frame of reference I think it will be huge.


My H also has high anxiety. he had a great counselor that really helped him identify some faulty thinking on his part. he thinks he has to take care of me. Infact, when i start to become more independent, he starts to think i dont love or care about him. he has a hard time taking care of himself, too.


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## seekingAdvice3 (Oct 6, 2008)

Crazy world out there.

So please tell me your thoughts on this one: We got into another fight over something stupid - tissues. It blew up and I was having incredible urges to look at porn and pleaded to my wife, crying and I said "I have a problem, I need your help, please go install that software right now, please" (I bought software to limit what I could look at on the internet). She wouldn't do it. I asked her 3 times and she didn't do it. She "did it" the next morning and played victim to the counselor saying she always gives in, but she F-ing didn't do it when I needed it, and when she actually did install it, she didn't pay attention to make sure she actually did the password protection and website limitation stuff at all, so it didn't do any good. I had to have my friend come over and do it.

It makes me sooooo angry. Also makes me think she doesn't care at all about me or taht I'm going to be punished for the next 20 years. Maybe we should just cut our losses and be happier apart or with someone else. Although I'm really starting to doubt the value of marriage other than it's more supportive of a family, but I can have kids in 10 years, don't want them now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

seekingAdvice3 said:


> It blew up and I was having incredible urges to look at porn and pleaded to my wife, crying and I said "I have a problem, I need your help, please go install that software right now, please" (I bought software to limit what I could look at on the internet). She wouldn't do it. I asked her 3 times and she didn't do it. She "did it" the next morning and played victim to the counselor saying she always gives in, but she F-ing didn't do it when I needed it.


This is hard. I can understand from your perspective how frustrating this would be for you. you are trying to get better and you feel she isnt even willing to install a simple program to help you. and the only reason you really even want the thing installed is for her and the relationship. you probably feel your friend is being more support then she ever will be. 

This is where boundaries will help immensely. I would really recommend you do a boundaries book with your counselor, to sort out these feelings. She is going through her own issues, unrelated to your needs, and it will interfer with what you think you need from her. And likewise, you will need to make some choices that directly affect her in a negative way, but choices that might be 'good' for you. When you both make choices that negatively affect each other, that does not mean the choice itself was 'bad'. And if the other person throws you a guilt trip for your choice, or tries to play the victim, you will be able to separate from that without getting angry and feeling responsible.

I know its really hard right now and the frustration is enough to make a person crazy. Give yourself and her some time to work through these emotions. It is really hard right now. you're right smack in the middle of it. If it helps at all, my H and i do not have fights like these anymore.


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