# Lost on what to do next.



## zpozitive (Apr 13, 2013)

Here is my situation. My wife and I started dating our freshmen year of college and have been together ever sense. We have married almost 9 years. I have had depression issues which have lingered through most our marriage. About a month ago my wife said she needed to talk and said she did not know if she could do it anymore. 2 days later she wanted time apart. I spent about a week at my parents. She would not answer any texts or phone calls. I was going nuts. One night I decided I could not take it anymore and drove down back home and told her I had to talk and she said that she was willing to go on a date night, the following day. She would stay at her moms in town while I could come back and live at home. Our date night went great and we had a lot of fun. We decided to meet again on Wed for dinner at the house. The dinner went good also. After this dinner I did not hear from her for two days and was freaking out. I was sending her texts and texts and no response. Out of the blue that Friday she showed up with little emotion at all and said she wanted a divorce, we talked for like 30 minutes and I was not for it I could not understand why she would no longer go to our first marriage counseling session. To speed stuff up I was so miserable I had to go back to my parents. I did the same texting and calling but no answer. I poured my heart out to her. What had and has happened is that by my wife for the first time actually showing me I was not pulling my weight in many departments and talking about divorce, it caused my eyes to really open up and see how my priorities where not in place and how I was letting my depression always keep me down and being in that mood of course led to her thinking that my lack of talk, affection, energy, and so much more was because of her. I have let myself dig far into a hole and all this was like a slap in the face which made things clear. She eventually has agreed to Marriage Counsoling We do this once a week. She still will not see me any other time or talk on the phone. She will answer some texts but for a long time I was overdoing it, she said she could not answer because she did not know what to say. Our goals in marriage counseling right now are not the same. Mine is to fix myself with new doctors and my new way of thinking with the main goal of saving our marriage. She says she does not know, she does not know if it is too late if she can trust that I wont be back to my old self a year from now. I cannot explain to her how my eyes are open like never before. I don't think she understands how hard, the worst pain of my life I feel right now not being able to see or talk to her. The thoughts that go through my mind. I just need advice


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

If you want her back you need to stop chasing her.

Just stop calling her and texting her, you can't force her to want to be with you and doing that to the extent that you have just makes you weak and pathetic in her eyes and that's extremely unattractive at a time when you need to be at your best.

Also you cannot expect her to think that you have suddenly changed into this whole new person just because she has caused you to open your eyes. These things take time and she knows it.

Face it you let the depression get the better of you for too long and you need to work on yourself to beat it. Go work on yourself get the counseling and or meds that you need and who knows maybe she'll come around.


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## zpozitive (Apr 13, 2013)

northland said:


> If you want her back you need to stop chasing her.
> 
> Just stop calling her and texting her, you can't force her to want to be with you and doing that to the extent that you have just makes you weak and pathetic in her eyes and that's extremely unattractive at a time when you need to be at your best.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zpozitive (Apr 13, 2013)

northland said:


> If you want her back you need to stop chasing her.
> 
> Just stop calling her and texting her, you can't force her to want to be with you and doing that to the extent that you have just makes you weak and pathetic in her eyes and that's extremely unattractive at a time when you need to be at your best.
> 
> ...


I kind of like and need your bluntness but I wish it were that easy. I did after reading your post. Tell her that I realize I have been rushing things in a panic and realize it takes time for me to make changes for myself and hopefully for us. I thanked her for giving me this time and made it clear I realize the time I have spent worrying and panicking will now be focused on making myself better. I guess I will leave it up to Marriage counselor to figure out what communication we should have. Why the hell I let my mental health go I dont know. I do know I cant use it as an excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Depression is a killer.

The answer to your situation is really very easy to verbalise.

Let Her Go.

You didn't mention kids so I presume there are none?

I hate to be an ass but sounds to me like your MC is a waste of money. If there are no kids, there is no need for contact period. Accept her request. She wants out, let her go. Focus on yourself, FOR yourself. I am now taking happy pills and working on many other things and for a while i did it to "win her back". Doesn't work that way.

Let her go, focus on you. When you recover from the depression enough, you may just find there were things in your Marriage you were unhappy with but let slide for one reason or another.

Honestly forget MC, get IC and read up on the 180. There is nothing you could or should do now that can bring her back by interacting with her ay more than needed.

I ignored that advice for months (kids and a complicated situation) but it is true. They can sense when you are doing it for them and that just looks needy and manipulative. Broken record but seriously do things for yourself without it being for her and just let the marriage go.

Thos who manage to repair there marriage btw, are few and far between but almost all ogf them have been willing to lose it entirely to save it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Any way to find out the identity of her other man?

Around these parts we refer to him as posOM.

He gets around.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Any way to find out the identity of her other man?
> 
> Around these parts we refer to him as posOM.
> 
> He gets around.


Sometimes people just fall out of love or their differences become dealbreakers.

Just because it happened to you, that doesn't mean there is ALWAYS an affair.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just most of the time. Its just sense to discreetly check.

Most of the time when there isnt an OM, the have still had their heads turned before they suddenly realise the deal breakers are there.

Sad but true. Very few stories around here don't involve the wayward or walk away at least looking elsewhere.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

northland said:


> Sometimes people just fall out of love or their differences become dealbreakers.
> 
> Just because it happened to you, that doesn't mean there is ALWAYS an affair.


It didn't happen to me.

But, thanks anyway.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It didn't happen to me.


Then why would you assume it happened to him?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

northland said:


> Then why would you assume it happened to him?


After you've read thousands of posts about how cheaters behave, it's pretty obvious.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Conrad said:


> After you've read thousands of posts about how cheaters behave, it's pretty obvious.


Sometimes one party wants out because they can't deal with the emotional issues of the other. I see lots of threads on here written by a dissatisfied partner who is considering leaving the other, for a multitude of reasons and they're not cheating.

Sure it's common that there's someone else in the wings, but there's no way to know if that's the case here. You're already advising him to go after the other man because you're convinced he's out there.

That's rather presumptious.


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## zpozitive (Apr 13, 2013)

Conrad said:


> After you've read thousands of posts about how cheaters behave, it's pretty obvious.


To clear some things up there is no cheating on either side. To put that aside she says she still loves me or at least did when it started a month ago. I realize I need to get better for myself first, but I also know it could save us. She claims she does not know for sure what she wants, but if she is willing to give time for me to work on things im not going to give up. I am just so alone right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

northland said:


> Sometimes one party wants out because they can't deal with the emotional issues of the other. I see lots of threads on here written by a dissatisfied partner who is considering leaving the other, for a multitude of reasons and they're not cheating.
> 
> Sure it's common that there's someone else in the wings, but there's no way to know if that's the case here. You're already advising him to go after the other man because you're convinced he's out there.
> 
> That's rather presumptious.


9 times out of 10 he is out there.

The first step in the process is to figure out *FOR SURE* that there isn't one.

The MC is useless if there is a posom.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

zpozitive said:


> To clear some things up there is no cheating on either side.


I'm not saying she's cheating, however I will go so far as to say it's quite possible even likely that she is cheating.

One thing's for sure, you have no way to know if she is or isn't unless you check up on her. 

Don't make the mistake of so many betrayed partners and say "Oh, that would never happen to me".


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

zpozitive said:


> To clear some things up there is no cheating on either side. To put that aside she says she still loves me or at least did when it started a month ago. I realize I need to get better for myself first, but I also know it could save us. She claims she does not know for sure what she wants, but if she is willing to give time for me to work on things im not going to give up. I am just so alone right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you taking her word for this? I have been here a while and these threads always start out with there is no cheating going on. But lo and behold after a little investigating out emerges EA or PA or something. No harm in a little investigating as I see red flags.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> Are you taking her word for this? I have been here a while and these threads always start out with there is no cheating going on. But lo and behold after a little investigating out emerges EA or PA or something. No harm in a little investigating as I see red flags.


Her hot/cold behavior indicates that posOM is there.

The fluctuations of their relationship and her doubts give you the "nice open" partner. A particularly steamy close encounter with blue sky future (with posOM) and you start hearing about divorce.

Does the OP have access to email/text/chat history?

Phone records?

How about Facebook?

I'd place a voice-activated recorder under her car seat and in one-two other places she expects privacy.

You'll know for certain within a a few days.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

zpozitive said:


> To clear some things up there is no cheating on either side. To put that aside she says she still loves me or at least did when it started a month ago. I realize I need to get better for myself first, but I also know it could save us. She claims she does not know for sure what she wants, but if she is willing to give time for me to work on things im not going to give up. I am just so alone right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that is true you are in the luck minority.

If she is/was cheating, MC is pointless. If she is open to dating other men while separated, MC is pointless.

I think you need to let the marriage go and sort yourself out. If you get well thinking it will bring her back, you risk a massive crash and burn emotionally and psychologically if she still doesn't come back. Truth is, in most cases they do not come back.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Oh and Conrad knows his stuff on this. You don't have to blindly do everything he advises (i didnt cos I am stubborn like that) but his advice is well worth considering.

Oh and "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and variatins of that are very much part of the cheaters script.


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