# Can anyone help me decide what to do?



## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

I was hoping someone could give me some wise advice on my situation.

I have a man in my life, we have been friends for a couple of years. I always knew he liked me romantically, but I didn't return that feeling although we got on well.

He is a fun, nice, likeable guy. He has a lot of friends, he has a really good job, he plays sports and is a good "all round" kind of person, but as we got closer as friends I uncovered a bit of his history and attitude to relationships.

He didn't have the best childhood. Family problems that were quite bad, and he was also bullied in school really badly. He's only had one serious relationship, at a very young age, and I think it psychologically really affected him when she ended it after 8 years together (she was brutal) and since then he's not really loved anyone or gotten close. He's really been a person who has sufferred a lot. He's lonely deep down, but also really afraid of attaching and trusting something good will happen for him.

He is positive in the way he talks, but occassionally if we had a deep talk or a few drinks stuff would come out that made it very clear he's really scared of loving someone, really scared of being hurt and almost resigned to the fact that anyone he cares about is going to abandon or hurt him. He's a deeply emotional and complex person but hides that most of the time. What he wants most is mariage, kids and "forever", but he says he can't offer anyone that.

So anyway, he and I ended up getting together, after him asking for a very long time. I wasn't in a place to want a serious relationship as I had just split from someone, and with his "issues", we figured we would have a bit of an affair with no commitment or longevity in mind but a lot of fun for both of us.

We were both suprised when we just connected, naturally and really strongly. It was supposed to be casual, as we had agreed, but from day one it never felt like that. We'd sit up talking all night, we couldn't stop touching and we were both falling in love and it was pretty obvious that it was much more than casual.

At first we didn't really think about it and just enjoyed it. We spend all our free time together, we were always talking, we met each other's friends and it just felt really nice and natural and easy and passionate!

At that point, I sort of evaluated it, realised it was going to be more than "casual" and figured I would just go for it - assuming he'd do the same. Unfortunately, he evaluated it and had the opposite reaction (as in, he thought, "this is getting serious, I better back off") so we started moving in opposite directions.

He started to see me less, he started to talk to me less, and emotionally distanced himself from me. I know at that point I should have calmly allowed him to have that space but my reaction was to get angry and hurt so I just ended it, telling him it wasn't working for me.

We split for a couple of weeks, but he was really upset, and asked me to reconsider, so I did. We went back to "wonderful" for a little while but I felt like he was always keeping me at arms length and the free and easy connection felt stilted which was frustrating for me because we started out so amazing and now it felt unnatural like he was almost avoiding falling in love with me.

I started to get a little hostile. If he didn't call for two days, I would repay him by not calling for four. If he was busy one weekend, I would be busy for the next two. Instead of being sympathetic to his fears, I guess I let my own fears take over and we became a bad mix of insecurity and self defensivness.

I never really told him how much I liked him and how much I cared, which I regret. I wish I had told him that, but instead I guess my ego and pride and hurt made me act the opposite way - like it meant nothing to me.

In the end after a couple of months of this, I ended it again more firmly and told him it was definitely over for me.

He ended up going directly into bed with someone else, which really hurt me. Especially as in all the time we were friends he wasn't a womaniser and all of a sudden there was someone else.

She was the total opposite of me...she was chasing *him* whereas he was chasing *me*, she was constantly texting him (even when we were together) and all over him on social media so I knew she existed. I wasn't threatened at the time. Partly because I knew he had wanted me for SO long it never occured to me he'd want anyone else within a few weeks of us starting to date, and partly because she was kind of funny looking and also seemed a little desperate. 

Obviously I was wrong and he must have liked her back too. I know he wasn't sleeping with her when we were together, but he was definitely *talking *to her. Which he shouldn't have been. He got with her only 10 days after we split up. They're not in a relationship now, he doesn't want one with her, but he still *talks* to her.

I confronted him about it, as I felt him getting together her with her so soon after we split was suspicious, and he admitted he had been talking to her when we were together. He kind of unravelled onto me. He told me he'd felt more for me than he ever expected to and that he had deliberately shut off and gone cold on me and started talking to someone else because he just could not face having a relationship. 

He said he was so sorry, that he'd never been in a situation like it before and that if he wasn't so messed up that he knew we'd be together. In his defence, he was honst with me about everything at that point and he seemed really, genuinely upset and devastated himself.

He was really contradictary at that point wanted to get back with me then, but also said he could not face a relationship. I was just too angry at that point so I told him to forget about me and never contact me again. He said he would give me time and space but he didn't want to lose me and wanted a chance to prove to me he was a good person who had messed up.

I expected to ever hear from him again, but a month later and he is messaging me that he thinks about me, misses me and wants to see me.

I want to se him too (miss him so much) but I know if we see each other we will be back where we started with this impossible chemistry and connection that he is not going to actually follow through on.

I am just not sure what to do. I want to have a relationship with him, and I think deep down he really wants that too with me so there's a part of me that thinks we should try again and this time I should be more chilled and stop dumping him and playing emotional brinkmanship all the time so he can just take time to slowly get closer.

The other part of me thinks I am a total idiot, and that he doesn't want a relationship with me and I would be relaxing all my boundaries for a guy who lied to me and isn't lookign for commitment.

Can anyone help me decide what to do?

I want to be with him, but also need him to respect me and treat me right!


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Also, if it's worth mentioning to add something that might be important, he'd always been pretty messed up over his ex. Rigth before we started dating (literally three weeks) he saw her for the first time since they had split 3 years previously. As we were friends at the time he had talked about it a lot. He was really worried, nervous, not sure and felt pretty scared but he knew they were going to the same event.

He'd sen her, and told me afterward it felt like closure. That he'd not loved her the way he once had before and was ready to let go. So this was only a couple of weekes before we got together so I guess the timing of that is relevant.

I am wondering given the timing that maybe if I gave him 6 months or a year to do whatever he felt was necessary to feel ready, that it might make more sense for us to try again then?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You don't sound right for each other. Move on.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Don't see him again. Way too much drama. And if a man is truly into you, he'll pursue you and commit. It really is that simple.

Move on. You can do much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It sounds like he might never be relationship/commitment material. It is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is so insecure. Has he ever had therapy?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It all sounds so complicated, but really isn't. You and the guy went out, enjoyed each other's company, and once it started getting serious he bailed on you. You went back for more and he did it again. 

If he wanted you as badly as you wish he did, I assure you he'd have held on to you. You just aren't that important to this guy.

So, with that knowledge, do you still want to have a "long term" relationship with him? Because he has made it clear beyond a doubt that long term ain't happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

He is fear-driven and has deep-seated intimacy issues. He is emotionally unavailable. He will always choose his fear over you and/or love. 

It takes a lot of strength and determination for a person to change, and most people don't have it in them. Nothing you do or avoid doing can change him. Only he can - and if he were going to do that with you as the catalyst, he would have already gotten help. Instead he's still running away. Don't waste your time waiting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He needs to do a lot of work on himself before he can be in a healthy relationship. Has he done any work on his fear of intimacy? Looks like he didn't since he sabotaged his relationship with you.

It's time for you to move on. You can't wait around for someone to become emotionally healthy when they are more comfortable holding onto their fear.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Omego said:


> Don't see him again. Way too much drama. *And if a man is truly into you, he'll pursue you and commit. It really is that simple.*
> 
> Move on. You can do much better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It sounds like you both talk a lot about your on/off relationship,but don't come up with any type of resolution to solve or improve the situation so that you both could have something more fulfilling. Without that,you'll just be traveling down the same old road again in my opinion.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to let this one go. He's not the one for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

This isn't even a committed relationship; after all, he freaks at the idea of commitment. And you sound as if you enjoy the game playing and way-too-much drama. There is no maturity or substance to this "relationship."

Frankly, the only thing I'd have to say to this guy is "go get into some serious counseling." He's not relationship material at this time, and he's making it clear.

I'd suggest you figure out why you are attracted to a commitment-phobe rather than trying to figure out his issues/motives/problems. He owns those, not you.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

thanks everyone for the responses. I'm not amazingly stupid or one of those women who likes bad boys or rejection or anything and actually I haven't enjoyed it - it's made me feel awful actually.

The mitigating circumstances are, I suppose, that 

(1) It isn't just me he doesn't want a relationship with. I have known him a long time and in that time I am the only girl he's ever been really into - and yes - we used to talk about our dates with other people. 

(2) He wanted me for such a long time, and with so much effort out into that. I don't just mean flirting and asking me out, I mean dedicated time spent getting to know me, helping me with things, being a friend and I know men do that to "score"...but for such a long time?

(3) I have been with men with weren't that into me. This hasn't felt like that at all. Reading his body language, his words, his actions in a lot of ways he honestly DOES appear smitten

So while "he is not that into you" is the obvious answer in a situation like this, it hasn't felt like the real and true answer for me from where I am standing. 

I know he has big issues. Yes he has had therapy. Yes he admits he has a serious problem. Yes I know I can't fix or save him.

It is hard to walk away, but if I do, I want to somehow leave the door open for the future if he sorts his deal out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does not matter if it's just you he does not want a relationship with. 

He does not want any relationship. Respect that. If you don't, then you do not respect him.. you just want what you want.


Here is a video that will help you figure out what to do. This is how you handle a man like him.



Get Mr. RIght to Fall in LOVE w/ you - 7 Easy Steps + 1 Fatal Flaw MOST women Make TonyaTko How To


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MelissaJane said:


> thanks everyone for the responses. I'm not amazingly stupid or one of those women who likes bad boys or rejection or anything and actually I haven't enjoyed it - it's made me feel awful actually.
> 
> The mitigating circumstances are, I suppose, that
> 
> (1) *It isn't just me he doesn't want a relationship with*. I have known him a long time and in that time I am the only girl he's ever been really into - and yes - we used to talk about our dates with other people.


Yes, people with intimacy issues have those issues with everyone. That's why they don't get into many relationships, and if they do, their relationships fail. Then they get hurt and that fuels their intimacy issues which, in turn, makes their relationships end badly because they start to self-sabotage. Until he works through his issues, that is how relationships will be for him regardless of the woman.


> (2) He wanted me for such a long time, and with so much effort out into that. I don't just mean flirting and asking me out, I mean dedicated time spent getting to know me, helping me with things, being a friend and I know men do that to "score"...but for such a long time?


He wanted you when you were unattainable - that made you "safe." People with intimacy issues have a fear of relationships so they tend to fall for people that they know, deep down, won't actually take them up on it or it really wouldn't work out. Your disinterest created enough distance between you so he didn't feel vulnerable. Once you started dating, he started to feel vulnerable. So he created distance between you, to try to ease his fears. 



> (3) I have been with men with weren't that into me. This hasn't felt like that at all. Reading his body language, his words, his actions in a lot of ways he honestly DOES appear smitten


I'm sure he is. That doesn't mean he is capable of having a healthy relationship.



> So while "he is not that into you" is the obvious answer in a situation like this, it hasn't felt like the real and true answer for me from where I am standing.
> 
> *I know he has big issues. Yes he has had therapy. Yes he admits he has a serious problem. Yes I know I can't fix or save him.*
> 
> It is hard to walk away, but if I do, I want to somehow leave the door open for the future if he sorts his deal out.


You can't say that you know he has big issues without taking them seriously. He may be into you, but he's not able to have a relationship yet. If he were, he'd be there, doing the hard work he needs to do _with _you, rather than running from you.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

MelissaJane said:


> thanks everyone for the responses. I'm not amazingly stupid or one of those women who likes bad boys or rejection or anything and actually I haven't enjoyed it - it's made me feel awful actually.
> 
> The mitigating circumstances are, I suppose, that
> 
> ...


You must walk away. He is very damaged and you were safe as long as you said no. Once you finally said yes and things got serious, he pulled away. And he slept with the first thing that wouldn't reject him. 

He has serious issues that won't go away no matter how much you love him. For one, he's stuck on his ex. Two, he is damaged and isn't doing anything to try to fix himself. Three, he liked you right up until you liked him back. Four, he slept with the first person he found after you to help his ego. He's a mess, and he will drag you down with him if you let him. 

For now, distance yourself. It's the only way for you not to get hurt in this situation. It's jumping on a trampoline full of holes - it can be fun, but you know you'll get hurt eventually. Why not find one that isn't so damaged!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MelissaJane said:


> I'm not amazingly stupid or one of those women who likes bad boys or rejection or anything and actually I haven't enjoyed it - it's made me feel awful actually.


NOBODY here is inferring you are "stupid." You asked for advice on what you should decide on what to do. We're a bunch of strangers out in cyberspace. We are just giving you our responses. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.



MelissaJane said:


> I have been with men with weren't that into me. This hasn't felt like that at all. Reading his body language, his words, his actions in a lot of ways he honestly DOES appear smitten ... So while "he is not that into the obvious answer in a situation like this, it hasn't felt like the real and true answer for me from where I am standing.


Uh huh. As soon as you tell him it's over for good, he jumps in bed with someone else. That hurts you, even though you told him it was over for good. 

Since him not being into you is not a "real" or "true" answer (whatever the heck that means ...) why not just go have a heart-to-heart with him? I mean, c'mon, why ask strangers if we should help you decide? Apparently you know what you want to do. I say go for it.

Best of luck.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

If he can't face a relationship then find a grown-up to have a relationship with. Entering into things with him in this state will leave you being the one who always has to fix things or patch up the pieces/excuses.

Ending up with an intense evening/sex is not uncommon. for her he's needy and generous with his emotions and easily swayed. For him, he is like an addict who needs a hit and suddenly it's there - with none of the emotional tangle or long term inconveniences that come with a partner you want to respect for years to come.
I would not be surprised if he doesn't end up "yo-yo-ing" backwards and forwards into such scenarios for many decades to come. subconsciously repeating the pattern without even being aware of why.

Sadly it takes a LOT of work to break such mental views on the world, and usually involves a person hitting absolute rock-bottom for a period of time, (ie worse than the original trauma! ) to force them to rebuild themselves into a better pattern.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> NOBODY here is inferring you are "stupid." You asked for advice on what you should decide on what to do. We're a bunch of strangers out in cyberspace. We are just giving you our responses. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know no one is suggesting I am stupid...sorry if it read that way. My point was that I FEEL stupid myself.

Becaue smart people don't continue in situations like this, and I know that


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> (2) He wanted me for such a long time, and with so much effort out into that. I don't just mean flirting and asking me out, I mean dedicated time spent getting to know me, helping me with things, being a friend and I know men do that to "score"...but for such a long time?


I can see how you'd be confused. He chased and seemed to really want/like you and now it's not working out the way you thought. 

It's time to stop ruminating about this relationship. You'll meet someone else.


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

Thanks everybody.

I get it.

I am used to men either liking me (and if they do they act like it) or not liking me (and if they don't they act like it)

Either way you can figure what is going on.

This situation is crazy making. I know he likes me, but that is also irrelevant,

So you helped me understand a lot...

So he likes me like crazy when I was unnatainable because that was "safe". He could fill me up with ideas of romantic holidays and how great we would be together beause he thought there was no way it would ever happen. When it was actually right there and happenning, he panicked and didn't like it, so he distanced himself.

I then dump him, making me unnatainable again, and he is interested again, and this cyle will continue because he can only cope with a relationship that is not a real relationship. And the nitty gritty part of actually getting close to someone. Like being there consistently. Like growing to love and rely on them. Like opening up your complete vulerability......all of that is NOT what he actually wants. 

So it's kind of like he wants a fantasy of me but not the reality. So this is why he pushes and pulls.

I understand. 

And he is not going to stop doing that without a lot of time, experience and therapy?

I understand, thanks for explaining it how I could understand.

It is hard and so frustrating. I wish I could explain how it is, but chemistry and chemistry and we are just so happy when we are together. This situation is a shame.

Sure, I can get a less damaged one..but sometimes it's hard when you have feelings for someone. I am annoyed that out of all the en in the world THIS is the one I fell for - but the degree of how bad these issues were really didn't appear until AFTER we got very close.

It was only then he started acting weird!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MelissaJane said:


> I then dump him, making me unnatainable again, and he is interested again, and this cyle will continue because he can only cope with a relationship that is not a real relationship. And the nitty gritty part of actually getting close to someone. Like being there consistently. Like growing to love and rely on them. Like opening up your complete vulerability......all of that is NOT what he actually wants.


I would argue it probably IS what he wants, but is not capable of it, emotionally. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

MelissaJane said:


> Thanks everybody.
> 
> I get it.
> 
> ...


You know how he will be in a relationship now. That won't change on its own - he will have to want to. He will need to be capable of change and willing to change. 

It could take years. And leave you frustrated and confused and lonely. Don't do it! You'll kick yourself if you do. He may have seemed like a great guy, but he's also severely messed up in the head. It's on him to change; you won't ever be "enough" to make him want to change. In fact, your desire for him to change may prove to him that you do want him enough to care, which will keep the drama up and him satisfied that you care. All the while draining you of your energy, making you crazy, and pulling you into a dark place. Move on - you deserve better. He needs to hit rock bottom to want to change, but you don't have to go down there with him!


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## MelissaJane (May 4, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I would argue it probably IS what he wants, but is not capable of it, emotionally.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


Is it really possible for people to be truly not capable emotionally?


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

MelissaJane said:


> Is it really possible for people to be truly not capable emotionally?


Yes. I know - my STBXH is this way. He says he trusts no one, not even his parents (who have done nothing to him that is untrustworthy!) He avoids all serious conversation, even with friends he has known 30 years or more. When we went to marriage counseling, the counselor read his responses to survey questions we both took and told my H that he needed 18 months of group therapy to deal with his conflict avoidance. He didn't even go to the first one. 

When I finally accepted that he will always be this way, I left.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MelissaJane said:


> Is it really possible for people to be truly not capable emotionally?


Sure it is. People with antisocial personality disorder, narcissists, sociopaths - and I'm sure other psychological disorders - don't seem particularly capable of empathy or emotional attachment to others.

I'm not saying this guy is seriously warped, but he seems incapable of getting over being crapped on by his ex. It's his problem to fix, and it doesn't sound like he really wants to do something solid about it.

Although he makes you feel good when you're together, it's going to keep being a come-closer-get-away scenario with this guy. That may be exciting in a dramatic sort of way, I'm sure you can find a nice decent man who wants a committed relationship.

If you really want to dump this guy, block him on your phone and all social media. Cut all ties. Only by going completely no-contact will you be free to find someone without all the emotional baggage.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

We all have major issues if we're honest. That's why this site exists after all. That's why people who appear to have perfect relationships stay on this site like it's a drug.

I think you want to give it another shot, so you should. Go into it with your cards laid out on the table. Don't bother trying to play poker with him, get everything out there. Tell him where you expect this relationship to ultimately end up. Tell him you expect it to get there without any more breakups. Tell him you don't want to waste time on a casual relationship, that you are over that stage now.

Be completely transparent and ask him if that's what he wants too, if not, then accept it and move on.

The biggest part of this is admitting that you have expectations for this relationship. Don't pretend you are all good with a casual fling when you aren't. That's lying to him and even worse, yourself.


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