# If you don't want to F%#$, it's ok, but don't preach...



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I have concluded my H is the most consistent person in this universe. So, for 20 yrs, no change. Including sex drive. So, no matter if I was "LD" before (but always did it according to his wish) and converted to "HD" a while ago, he has the same drive, which is probably x2/wk. 

That's fine with me, I have other things to worry about. But when I tried to initiate, I got 
"gees, don't you know it's work day tomorrow?"
"gees, you have such a hard time getting up in the AM for the kid and you are still doing this?"
"gees, what youth elixir have you taken?"
"gees, what is *wrong* with you?"

Man, I wonder how others get rejected. Does it have to come with a lecture?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

in the last couple of years before we split he had every excuse in the book not to do it, mainly tiredness and back pain 

never thought I'd be in a situtation where my H had a permanent headache!!! what a girl....


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> never thought I'd be in a situtation where my H had a permanent headache!!! what a girl....


lol

sorry, but that just sounded funny


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Man, I wonder how others get rejected. Does it have to come with a lecture?


pretty much... yes. The lecture is important to ensure that blame lands squarely on the shoulders of the person being rejected because that is, obviously, good for marriages.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with you OP, no need to give a speech. Just a simple sorry babe, because of reason XYZ. 'Nuff said.

Any man though that says he's HD and turns down sex... I kind of wonder if they are really HD. I've never turned down sex, heck I could be on my deathbed and ask to have one for the road from my wife.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Brown,
I don't think it matters why. I think what matters is they say "can we connect ...followed by a nearbye date"? But it has to be sincere. 

As for why it won't happen now, does it really matter that much? Generally the reason is some flavor of "they don't want to" which is perfectly fine. Much more important to know when they WILL connect with you. 

And to a spouse who said either:
- That will take the spontenaeity out of it or
- I don't want that pressure

Well - each response would provoke a very different reaction. The spontaneous bit - I would just laugh. With an LD partner that is simply a recipe for you always having to initiate and pray for a good outcome when you ask. 

The pressure bit - speaks to a flavor of sexual aversion and needs to be addressed. 



Browncoat said:


> I agree with you OP, no need to give a speech. Just a simple sorry babe, because of reason XYZ. 'Nuff said.
> 
> Any man though that says he's HD and turns down sex... I kind of wonder if they are really HD. I've never turned down sex, heck I could be on my deathbed and ask to have one for the road from my wife.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Brown,
> I don't think it matters why. I think what matters is they say "can we connect ...followed by a nearbye date"? But it has to be sincere.


Yeah I can totally see that, good point. Giving a positive with a negative, come to think of it I think I'll kind of drop that hint to my wife. 

I do agree with you and the OP though that being let down quickly is best. It's like a band-aid: do it quick, taking your time just hurts more.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Communication as art*

Brown,
I learned all the Mars/Venus stuff - when my W is upset I empathize and support and don't try to problem solve. Very end of the conversation I ask "is there anything I can do to help"?

In reverse she does this thing - that is perfect. She should teach a class on it. And I don't think it is an act. But either way, it comes across as sincere so it works. 

If I have initiated, or she knows I am likely to she says: Would it be ok if we connected tomorrow night? 

But she says it with this lightly apologetic tone and facial expression. And since I know it is sincere, it takes any sting out of the content. 





Browncoat said:


> Yeah I can totally see that, good point. Giving a positive with a negative, come to think of it I think I'll kind of drop that hint to my wife.
> 
> I do agree with you and the OP though that being let down quickly is best. It's like a band-aid: do it quick, taking your time just hurts more.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

jennifer1986 said:


> I have concluded my H is the most consistent person in this universe. So, for 20 yrs, no change. Including sex drive. So, no matter if I was "LD" before (but always did it according to his wish) and converted to "HD" a while ago, he has the same drive, which is probably x2/wk.
> 
> That's fine with me, I have other things to worry about. But when I tried to initiate, I got
> "gees, don't you know it's work day tomorrow?"
> ...


If I'm understanding you correctly, you say hes a 2X per week man for the last 20 yrs? Do you still get 2X per week, I'm assuming that he initates, right? Maybe your husband is one of those kinds of men that feel they have to have the control and you initating is like you taking control. Do you get to at least choose positions of sex when he initiates? Like woman on top so you have more control?

My husband also seems to not wan tme to initiate. He does like me to sexually flirt with him all day, even though he was telling me "why are you always thinking about sex?" and things like "gee I'm not a **** or something along those lines. So I told him I was going to stop flirting with him because I can't handle the rejection. He instantly didn't like me even saying I was going to stop. Now he is sexually flirting with me every day as well as I still flirt with him. he didn't want me to stop even though he kept saying things that seemed like he wanted me to stop.

Also it could be your husband was raised to think women should not like sex so much that they want more than 2X per week or that they should not be the ones to initiate. It seems my husband may have some beliefs like that too


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dated men like that. It sucked. I'm sorry you have to deal with it from your husband.

There is NOTHING wrong with you.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I guess it's all a matter of perspective. The few times I could get my ex receptive, I wouldn't let ANYTHING keep me from doing it, including more than once when I had an attack of very painful gout.
Gus who come up with excuses either have an hormone imbalance, or have some ulterior motive for not rising to the occasion.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I always disliked the excuses from my x-wife too. It was usually that she was too tired from work, or that we just did it a few days ago. If we did it on Monday and I was in the mood again Thursday, she would give me this surprised reaction as if I were wanting waaaay too much sex. If she could sense during the day that I would probably be in the mood later, some type of ailment always developed by bedtime. She would come to bed with a headache or a stomachache. There was always several items to pick from on the list.:scratchhead: It was frustrating then, but now that we're divorced, it's actually amusing to look back at the excuses she could pull out of a hat and keep a straight face.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

It's one thing to say no, it's a different thing to say no, and turn it around as the requester's fault. 

Just yesterday I was called a "semi-adult". (on a different topic, not sex). This is the problem of having a paternalistic spouse. It's not a problem of me initiating, it's in general if H thinks he is right (and almost always he thinks so) then I am in the wrong. 

At least I bought my lingeries on sale.:rofl: And all the little perfume bottles.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Yeah, it is bad enough to be rejected, and the lecture only makes things worse and is inappropriate.

I sense a certain level of resentment or one-upmanship on his part. I'm guessing you guys are in your 40s if you've been married 20 years. I've heard it's common for a woman's drive to ramp up as she ages some. I know it's common for a guy's to taper off.

2x per week is not much at all for a guy in his teens or 20s. Given your admitted LD state while younger, it may have felt like you were there for him whenever he wanted it, but it is more likely he perceived some resistance and reined his in as a result (it's a turn-off when your partner does not want it). Could it be that he's taken a "tit-for-tat" approach? Something like "you were stingy back then, why should I push myself now"?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

DTO said:


> Could it be that he's taken a "tit-for-tat" approach? Something like "you were stingy back then, why should I push myself now"?


Yup, we are in our 40's. My H is a little too logical to be tit-for-tat. Basically, I think all his life he has been about the same. Perhaps he had a higher drive when he was young; it's hard to remember now because there were so many complications. For years we had infertility issues and that does a lot to your sex life (STRESS). 

Just last night I told him we can go back to a semi-seperation state again where we live in 2 houses (I did for a while at my parent's old house). He got mad and said I was impossible to please. He said if his "potency" is not enough for me there's nothing he can do. I chose my words carefully--it's not a "potency" (he meant stud-ness) issue. We don't have to have PIV sex all the time. If he would treat me nicely (i.e., touching some, or if he finished before me he would help me) I would be able to go to sleep with a smile. 

Instead he lectures me. I also told him rubbing my head (like how we rub our son's) and saying "sleep time" is not good because I feel like his daughter. 

Maybe some women don't mind a paternalistic H. I don't want one. My Dad is well and around if I need paternal advice.


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