# Abuse, or just Control issues?



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

okay two years ago I had a discussion with my H, he is an addict and I told him if he didn't quit I was going to take the kids and leave.

Hence the situation I am in now. I am a full time stay at home mom. I have no income other than what my H brings home. When I told him I was thinking of leaving, he closed all accounts and now cash's his checks and keeps the cash on him at all times. He refuses to give me money for bills, gas, or just to have around incase of an emergancy. He gives me 50 dollars at a time for groceries, which doesnt leave me much to go on because I have to feed my kids. 

Is refusal of money a form of abuse? A friend of mine suggested it is, but I am not sure. 

Meanwhile I am stuck here with no way out, have talked to an attorney before, and the attorney told me that I could have Child Support and Alimoney taken out of his check while I still reside with him. Ummmmm :scratchhead: as if my situation isn't bad enough? I can just imagine the fights when he recieved a paycheck that was over half gone, and then he comes home... 

What can I do legally? I honestly have NO WHERE to go, no family near by... no friends that will take me in cuz they are friends with my H also and dont want in the middle of it... I feel so damn stuck... 

I have been out looking for a job.. unfortunatly there isn't much out there, and not many people are willing to take a chance on someone who hasnt had a job in 5 years... I really don't know what else to do.

I feel helpless.. 

SB


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

A women's shelter would be able to help. Your situation is a form of abuse and if you are afraid to have the $$ taken out of his check, then you are probably right about that and should just seek help. They can guide you in many, many ways. Don't be too proud. He's taken measures to prevent you leaving when you know you should. And, the addiction itself is a form of abuse. Don't wait, don't pack, just call, find out where to go, and go. You can communicte with your husband from a safe haven and have a lawyer get $$ for you from him, without the risk of him punishing you for it, IF you are in a safe place. Best of luck.


----------



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

I've been thinking about it for weeks and have made a decision. I made a call to an attorney this morning and am going to find out what I can do. Appointment this afternoon. Hope the attorney has something he can do to help me out.. I feel like I'm trapped and suffocating here....


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

good for you for getting help. i hope everything goes ok.


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Good for you. Best of luck at the attorney today..please keep us posted and let us know what happens.


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Good for you for having the courage to make the call!


----------



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

Just got back from attorney's office. Things went good .. i guess, as good as it can get when talking about a divorce/seperation.

Basically attorney told me that I should seek out a womans shelter, and if needed I can retain him at no cost and file for a petition that any legal fees I obtain be taken care of by my H, considering he has the only income.

After that we can obtain child support and or alimony.. and file for seperation.

Has anyone ever been to a womans shelter before? I am so afraid of exposing my kids to that kind of environment. And because I am not physically abused I am afraid of taking up beds for another family that need it more than me and my children do.

But according the the lawyer i spoke to.. I, and my children are suffering sever emotional and mental abuse by my H, and we need to get out fast and be somewhere safe... 

Honestly I'm afraid to go... Would be so much easier if I could just get my own apartment and move. The idea of a womans shelter is just...surreal.. uncomforting. 

I feel more depressed right now than i have in months..... sorry if i'm rambling and not making much sense.. a lot of thoughts coming at me at once. Can't organize them. Will post more later...

SB


----------



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

I've been advised to not "surprise" my H with the news that I am leaving and want a divorce. To have a discussion with him about my feelings and how I see no other way to resolve our issues without seperation and divorce.

I am wondering how to start this conversation without too much arguing.. however he does have a short temper lately, I don't want things to get out of hand. 

Any tips on how to approach him and try to discuss this like civilized adults without anger or argumentive behavior bursting out?


----------



## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Not all shelters are created equally...if there is more than one in your area, then perhaps see if you can find out a bit more about them by calling for information. 
I am not sure where you live, but there are sometimes family centers available for families experiencing a crisi and they can provide valuable support. 

A shelter will help you get your feet under you until you are able to provide a new home for yourself and your children. I have not been to one, but I have certainly considered going to one with my children.

Abuse comes in many forms - not just the obvious form of the physically battered wife, although one form of abuse often leads to an escalation of abuse. He is abusing you, and therefore subjecting your children to abuse. He is controlling you through denying you rightful access to family money - it is as much your money as it is his.

My husband also closed our joint accounts, after initally demanding I give him my debit card for the joint account. I too recieve an allowance. I am currently in the process of separating from him, and just the mere thought of being free of him is exhilarating, yet terrifying at the same time because going it alone sometimes feels like a very frightening path to take.

Does he also criticize, demaen, or belittle you?


----------



## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

May I ask where the advice to not surprise him with the news has come from?


----------



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

He does sometimes criticize me.. but I think I do him as well too.. I haven't exactly been Mrs. Lovey Dovey to him the last few years. 

The advice to not surprise him is coming from family.. I think they are worried about the kids, and what he might do if he is suprised by us leaving. (not that I haven't warned him more than once)....

I do want this to be as little of an event as far as the kids are concerned. I don't want them to worry, and I would like to be civilized with him when it comes to the kids. 

Maybe it is stupid of me but after all the years we have been together.. I worry about him. Am afraid of what this will do to him. He will be alone, and I do care about what happens to him...not like we have been much of a couple lately anyway.. but.. I don't know. I just keep going back and forth in my mind on how to handle this.. I'm so confused


----------



## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Personally, I am not surprised that you have not been all lovey dovey with him for the past few years, given what you have written. 
Do you have any idea of what family thinks he might do if he is surprised? Is this coming from your side of the family or his?

Yes, it would be good if after a separation , you and he are able to be civil to each other and to adopt a business like attitude towards each other. 

It will take awhile to shed your romantic attachment to him, but he is a grown man and either should, or will learn to be able to care for himself. 

Being very confused and going back and forth between wanting to leave and wanting to stay is perfectly normal, I think. It took me about 5 years to arrive at my decision to leave.


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

When I am in one of my depressed states, I can't think clearly. Everything and everyone around me appears to be against me. I had a rough spot in my marriage where I called a divorce lawyer and looked at apartments. So many events happened since then, and I have to warn you, it is a very slow process. Whether you firmly decide to stay in the marriage or get a divorce, there will be stress and hard work involved. I think part of my anxiety is being in the indecisive stage, and not knowing what will happen next. Personally, I would tell hubby that you have taken steps towards toward a divorce and see how he will react. Perhaps he will be sad and want to work harder in the marriage.


----------

