# question: withdrawal phase: how long? what to do?



## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

I read a thread about remorseful few days ago. I think DS is not yet reaching that phase yet. I read an article about withdrawal phase the other day. Can somebody explain or tell me ur experience? How is intimacy & sex during this period? For a bit of history, my D-day was on March last year, and he had a difficult times stopping the EA & PA, & just finalized it last nov. He is starting to be distant after that. Is this normal he is still in that phase for 4 mos? how should I react during this time? Becoz it makes me feel left out & hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

PING!!! somebody? from 100+ who read?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

not sure I understand? dday was a year ago, and you think no contact started in november (9 months after dday).. so you think he was been in (or your asking if he is) in withdrawl for the last 4 months?

Think I need more info to give you an opinion. I'd blindly guess he is not in the withdrawl or remorse phase, Id lean towards the smoke and mirrors phase...

That's the phase where he takes your brain on a vacation to the foggy streets of the gaslight district while he rides all the underground delights in the OW carnival.

Just speculating. Need more info.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> not sure I understand? dday was a year ago, and you think no contact started in november (9 months after dday).. so you think he was been in (or your asking if he is) in withdrawl for the last 4 months?
> 
> Think I need more info to give you an opinion. I'd blindly guess he is not in the withdrawl or remorse phase, Id lean towards the smoke and mirrors phase...
> 
> ...



1st, tq for reply. I know I post just a bit of history, I once put the whole story, but no single reply . To which I deleted the thread.

Look, my H married his OW 3.5 yrs ago. Yes, u read it right. He had practiced polygamy w/o my consent. He used fake documents to get a legal marriage. His OW was his co-worker in his family business.
After the D-day last year, he was in fog until around June, where I found out that he was about to meet her secretly, I found her text on his cell. Later I found out that after the DDay he successfully sneaked out to meet her 2 times, when I have to go with the kids whole day w/o him.

I asked for divorce, but he refused, he said he can't live without the kids. I even asked him to move out of the house. Then he said he wanted to end his life. Me, stupidly, believed this (I haven't found this site yet). So I asked him to stay but he had to show his efforts to make our marriage works. He agreed to divorced the OW.
By this time the resistance came from the OW. She did many things to try to cancel the divorce procedures, try to fight him back. To make the story short, on Sept she agreed. So, that November was the time when the divorce papers signed, they legally separated.

Now, his withdrawal act started right after this. Before this, he showed his efforts to make me stay, he treated me nicely, even during the fog. But just right after the papers signed, he pulled himself back. He is distant, he made himself busy by jogging, smoking, playing games at the computer. He also stops intimacy acts and sex. For sex, he said he couldn't get hard. (I post a thread about this too)
If I asked him why he became like this, he said, nothing, he is his usual self. Any question about it make him defensive.
I sometimes think he is grieving, but it is so confusing. 

Now the anniversary of the DDay is approaching, and I frequently become very low in mood, but I can't express this to him. O yeah, other things, if I showed signs of sadness, he would be annoyed by saying, why? what happened? It is already over, why bring up this thing over again?
He felt that he had done enough (by divorcing her).

help me I'm confused....


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I guess no one responded because they didnt know what to say or what they wanted to say they felt was best kept to themselves.

I'm not generally timid but Im at a loss for words...

I'll just be honest about what popped into my head...

Your husband is a piece of sh1t, a level of OMG WTF that I don't know how help you with.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

tq for stating the obvious...but It doesn't help me at all...(cry quietlly)
I know u might say also that I'm a stupid fool to stay in this marriage, but here I am. I would like to give it another shot. But I promise myself, will he ever be caught cheating again, he go to hell directly.

Not that he is not showing any good progress...he tries to be there with us now...he is always at home, his behavior change, the other day he gave me rubs at my back, something that already lost for ages...but still, I feel there is a distant between us. That's why I'm wondering, is it a withdrawal phase.
I bought the book 5 love languages the other day...is it the right time to ask him to fill in the questions?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't people still go to jail for bigamy?


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

Not in my country. According to a particular religion, a man can have up to 4 wives, but the 1st one has to give permission. (btw I'm a Catholic, so I oppose strongly to this, n the fact his using this to get a legal marriage put a rage to me n his n my family). I actually had the right to annul their marriage, but I let him do the legal way, becoz I wanted him to learn his lesson the hard way. He himself had to face the lawyer, the court n everything, he had to spend money on that.
So next time he'd think 1000 times to do this again to me.

Btw, tonight I ask him to take me out for dinner without the kids...hope it'll go well...


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