# Almost 7 years and think maybe I should go back



## audi-gal (Jul 25, 2012)

Ok here's my story; I got married very young and had children, life was good but as with most after time went on and I had spent most of my married life sleeping in a different room that him and his never being there for the kids (about 9 years into the marriage) I wanted out I was pretty much a single mom just with his financial backing. He wasn't there emotionally and was always angry (I think at the way his life turned out). So one night the kids and I left. To never return. He gets the kids when they are healthy (his choice) so I have to see him. We can now laugh and joke and I do my best to help him if he calls, but lately I've been thinking a lot and I just can't help it but I think that if him and I were to get back together he would be the dad/husband I want him to be but I'm scared that once reality sets in it would only be a matter of time before he were back to his old ways. He has never made a P/T conference nor any sporting events that the kids have been in. I do have a bf of about 4 years and when my bf brings up marriage I just cringe, I don't want to get married again if it's not to the man who I'm still inlove with. If my ex were to get hurt or sick I hate to say it but I'd take care of him no matter what. Should that be my sign that I just need to go back no matter what has happened. I do know he would like to give it another try. But how do you make the right choice knowing that people don't change, no matter how much I want him to step up to the plate he won't and deep down I know that but yet I just don't think I should be having these feelings either if my life now is all it should be! Any help would be awesome!
Thanks, confused
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you see is what you get. 

He was not much of a parent when you were together.

He's not really much of a parent right now either.

He was not a good husband either.

Why would you expect him to change now? He is who he is.

How often do you see your ex and how much time a week do you spend with him? I think that you have never allowed yourself to properly separate emotionally from him. The way to do that is to start treating him according to the 180. Look at the link in my signature block below.


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## audi-gal (Jul 25, 2012)

I see him just about every other weekend, dropping the kids off and picking them up. And if he comes to my house it's really hard to get him out, he could sit there all night and talk. He talks about the good old days when we were happy (before kids) and he makes me think that my desire for kids with a man who didn't want them is what ruined our marriage. It's just hard at times and I cry a lot about it. Its been so long and he hasn't even dated anyone. So I guess you could say when I left I felt that then he would be happier without us around and he wouldn't be angry all the time. Which it has worked but now I worry that he's lonely and sad and that makes me feel bad for him! I'm going to check out your link cuz I feel like I'm loosing my mind!!!
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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not bringing this up to be negative,but what about your BF? If he's bringing up marriage he must care for you very much.Have you approached him with the turmoil you are having about this,because hopefully your considerations would include him.


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## audi-gal (Jul 25, 2012)

Yes he knows everything, he said he will stand by me no matter what choice I make. We both believe we will always be friends as we were friends for almost 3 years before we started dating. I wasn't ready to date when I met him and he understood, he used to spend hours at my house helping thru the things killing me in my head and when I was ready to date he was there! I honestly feel awful that this is going on again! I thought I had put this all behind me and now it's crept back to the forfront. Very unhappy about that. My bf is a awesome man and has been there for the kids and I both. Never has a bad word to say about anyone even when I'd like to string my ex up because of something stupid that he has done. Like one time my youngest got hurt and had a cast, the whole time he had a cast on my ex never called or came to get the kids it was like he was punishing them for falling! My bf only said if he can't handle it it's best for the kids to not go. I don't know that I could ever find anothe like him. Not that all is always perfect but for the most part we get along good.
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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Glad to hear you have such a good and open dialogue with your BF.He sounds like a great guy and maybe if you can let go of your past you just might find a more complete and fulfilling relationship with him.I think EleGirl gave you some pretty good advice.To get some perspective you might also want to make a list of the pros and cons.It makes a difference sometimes when you can see things clearly in black and white,as things aren't so jumbled.Sorry for what you're going through and I do hope you find your way.


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