# possible infedelity- need advice



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

Hello all,

I am looking for ideas and suggestions on how to install a program on my boyfriends phone that will tell me whether or not he is having sex chats, or sexting or any of the sort and having a mental affair... I am not the type to spy, however, he will not talk to me and this is my last resort.

to make a long story short, I posted in a forum for advice about something I am going through with my him sexually, or lack there of.. much of the advice given to me was actually from men, which I am very impressed with... a few feel I need to find this out first and one suggested this site...

Any ideas?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

love_my_man said:


> Any ideas?


You don't need to install spyware on his phone to find out whether you want to continue in the relationship.
In a committed relationship, a man and a woman should be transparent and looking out for each other's best interests. If your boyfriend is doing things that are making you feel uncomfortable or nervous, he should stop. If he is unwilling to calm your fears, he is also not looking out for your best interests or loving and caring for you as a committed man ought to do.
If you have concerns and he wont' share his phone with you, it's not because you are crazy or paranoid or whatever he might say. It is because he does not want you to see what he is doing on his phone. That's all you need to know. Now the question becomes, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to put up with this treatment or are you willing to walk away? You decide and go from there.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I suggest you post this in Coping with Infidelity, indicating the kind of phone he has. There's also an evidence gathering thread over there somewhere that might help you - have a look.

CynthiaDe, she does need to know. Most BS's do. You don't blow up a marriage without definite proof in a case like this. You are correct that they SHOULD already be transparent, but unfortunately it rarely works that way.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

You can post this same question in Coping with Infidelity Section. There are a lot of people there that can help you. 


Clay


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

Thank you... the thing is, I am pregnant... he has a history of ED, when we 1st met, sex was amazing.. it went south from there... overtime we talk about it he says he will take the cialis his Dr gave him and promises to make it better.. then I find out that during a 2 month dry spell, while i was laying in bed alone, he was on the couch touching himself to porn.. didn't touch em for 2 months.. anyway.. there is sooooooo much more to it, but I am worried that someone else is on his mind.. I am trying process of elimination.. . when I try to talk to hi he gets VERY angry and closes up.. so, I need to do this with the phone to find out if it is infidelity or a porn addiction. He says he is only watching porn a few times when he doesn't want to wake me up.. however, he doesn't need the Cialis with porn, but does with me... yes I have addressed his attraction to me, he swears up and down its not me.. sooo.. is it someone else or is he addicted to porn... I have to start somewhere and if I can get soemthign on his phone.. it will help.. because if its a porn addiction, we can get help.. if its me he is no longer attracted to, me and my big belly will leave, if its someone else,, me and my big belly will leave.. BTW, this has been going on LONG before i was pregnant.. its not the pregnancy... I need to know.. I wish I was strong enough to walk away, but I am not wired that way... not without knowing for sure!!!


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

*possible infidelity...*

Hello all,

I am looking for ideas and suggestions on how to install a program on my boyfriends phone that will tell me whether or not he is having sex chats, or sexting or any of the sort and having a mental affair... I am not the type to spy, however, he will not talk to me and this is my last resort.

to make a long story short, I posted in a forum for advice about something I am going through with my him sexually, or lack there of.. much of the advice given to me was actually from men, which I am very impressed with... a few feel I need to find this out first and one suggested this site...

Any ideas?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: possible infidelity...*

What model and operating system is the phone he's using?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: possible infidelity...*

This is a quote from your other post in GR...



> Thank you... the thing is, I am pregnant... he has a history of ED, when we 1st met, sex was amazing.. it went south from there... overtime we talk about it he says he will take the cialis his Dr gave him and promises to make it better.. then I find out that during a 2 month dry spell, while i was laying in bed alone, he was on the couch touching himself to porn.. didn't touch em for 2 months.. anyway.. there is sooooooo much more to it, but I am worried that someone else is on his mind.. I am trying process of elimination.. . when I try to talk to hi he gets VERY angry and closes up.. so, I need to do this with the phone to find out if it is infidelity or a porn addiction. He says he is only watching porn a few times when he doesn't want to wake me up.. however, he doesn't need the Cialis with porn, but does with me... yes I have addressed his attraction to me, he swears up and down its not me.. sooo.. is it someone else or is he addicted to porn... I have to start somewhere and if I can get soemthign on his phone.. it will help.. because if its a porn addiction, we can get help.. if its me he is no longer attracted to, me and my big belly will leave, if its someone else,, me and my big belly will leave.. BTW, this has been going on LONG before i was pregnant.. its not the pregnancy... I need to know.. I wish I was strong enough to walk away, but I am not wired that way... not without knowing for sure!!!


Reading this, I don't think you need to jump right to infidelity as a possible reason for your problems.
Considering your situation there are many other more probable reasons that should be examined before you jump right to spyware.


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

*Re: possible infidelity...*

He is using samsung Galaxy 4.. the everything proof one.. can't for the life of me remember what its specifically called...

as for your other reply.. there is a lot more to this, like I said I have posted on another forum and have gone from top to bottom on this... I am ready for this next step...


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I suggest you post this in Coping with Infidelity, indicating the kind of phone he has. There's also an evidence gathering thread over there somewhere that might help you - have a look.
> 
> CynthiaDe, she does need to know. Most BS's do. You don't blow up a marriage without definite proof in a case like this. You are correct that they SHOULD already be transparent, but unfortunately it rarely works that way.


They are not married.
I understand that she wants to know, but putting spyware on her boyfriend's phone is illegal and could get her into legal trouble. They are not married. She has no legal right to his phone.
Whether or not he is cheating, he is treating her badly and if he doesn't want to stop behaving that way, she need to decide if she wants to live like that - with a man who does not value her concerns.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

love_my_man said:


> Thank you... the thing is, I am pregnant... he has a history of ED, when we 1st met, sex was amazing.. it went south from there... overtime we talk about it he says he will take the cialis his Dr gave him and promises to make it better.. then I find out that during a 2 month dry spell, while i was laying in bed alone, he was on the couch touching himself to porn.. didn't touch em for 2 months.. anyway.. there is sooooooo much more to it, but I am worried that someone else is on his mind.. I am trying process of elimination.. . when I try to talk to hi he gets VERY angry and closes up.. so, I need to do this with the phone to find out if it is infidelity or a porn addiction. He says he is only watching porn a few times when he doesn't want to wake me up.. however, he doesn't need the Cialis with porn, but does with me... yes I have addressed his attraction to me, he swears up and down its not me.. sooo.. is it someone else or is he addicted to porn... I have to start somewhere and if I can get soemthign on his phone.. it will help.. because if its a porn addiction, we can get help.. if its me he is no longer attracted to, me and my big belly will leave, if its someone else,, me and my big belly will leave.. BTW, this has been going on LONG before i was pregnant.. its not the pregnancy... I need to know.. I wish I was strong enough to walk away, but I am not wired that way... not without knowing for sure!!!


Do you want to live being treated like this? He seems to have a problem with real life. It will not get better after the baby comes. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. The longer you allow it to go on like this, the worse it will get. Whatever he is doing, it is damaging to you and your relationship and it will be damaging to your child.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

*Re: possible infidelity...*

Have you tried teen safe?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: possible infidelity...*



love_my_man said:


> He is using samsung Galaxy 4.. the everything proof one.. can't for the life of me remember what its specifically called...
> 
> as for your other reply.. there is a lot more to this, like I said I have posted on another forum and have gone from top to bottom on this... I am ready for this next step...


You know best.

I'm guessing he's using a Galaxy S4.

There are many apps in the Play Store that claim to do what you're looking for.

https://play.google.com/store/search?q=spy android app&c=apps

I've recently been seeing this "Teen Safe" app being recommended around here but considering all it's advertising claims it works on iOS and I know it isn't even in the app store (nor could it be) the promoters of Teen Safe aren't exactly being truthful if it requires a jailbroken iPhone and they're failing to mention that.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: possible infidelity...*

This looks like your best bet for an app through the Play Store.



> Description
> *Remotely control your Android phone from the internet* or by SMS.
> Features:
> ** read sent and received SMS messages*
> ...


It even has the added benefit of being able to remotely brick his phone if he is cheating and you're feeling spiteful.



Edit:
You would need his Google password/ID to remotely install this app to his phone.
Do you have access to that info?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> You don't need to install spyware on his phone to find out whether you want to continue in the relationship.
> In a committed relationship, a man and a woman should be transparent and looking out for each other's best interests. If your boyfriend is doing things that are making you feel uncomfortable or nervous, he should stop. If he is unwilling to calm your fears, he is also not looking out for your best interests or loving and caring for you as a committed man ought to do.
> *If you have concerns and he wont' share his phone with you, it's not because you are crazy or paranoid or whatever he might say. It is because he does not want you to see what he is doing on his phone.* That's all you need to know. Now the question becomes, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to put up with this treatment or are you willing to walk away? You decide and go from there.


Not necessarily. I think we need more information before we jump to conclusions.

In a healthy relationship, yes, everything should be transparent. If one partner is super jealous though, the other one may feel resentful at constantly being accused of cheating and refuse to show their phone to their spouse. 

Is this the first time in your relationship you've felt like this OP? Has something happened to trigger these feelings in you? Are you a naturally jealous person?

I'm not saying he's not cheating, he might be...but then he might not. I don't want to just jump straight to that conclusion without more info.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Run...drop him and run. If you marry him he will not change. He is showing you his cards. You don't need to know what hes doing on his phone. You just need to know he won't let you know what it is. He doesn't grasp the concept of marriage. He doesn't understand the concept of transparency. He doesn't understand trust. Your here asking us. Your gut told you to come here becuase there is a problem with him. Your gut is never wrong. You should be happy and enjoying your time together and having fun preparing for your child together, not wondering what he is texting on his phone.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Even if he isn't doing anything wrong on his phone, he still doesn't want her to see what he is doing on his phone. That is not jumping to conclusions. If he doesn't want to be transparent in the relationship with his phone, that is a huge red flag. Furthermore he is doing other harmful things to the relationship as well.
Please do not go on like this for years. There are steps you can take to care for yourself and your child.


----------



## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

*Re: possible infidelity...*

I know this may sound stupid but have you just tried picking his phone up when he's not around and looking through it?

And if, in the end, it's just him getting off to porn and not you then maybe you could recommended marriage counseling?

Also you can get his phone records when you get the phone bill and check to see what phone numbers he is texting, when, how often, what phone numbers he is calling, when, and how often. If you want to dig a little deeper into the phone numbers I can tell you how I did it. Send me a PM and I'll throw you some links to the sites that worked best for me.


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Love_my_man. I sent you a private message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Travis01 (Mar 6, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Even if he isn't doing anything wrong on his phone, he still doesn't want her to see what he is doing on his phone. That is not jumping to conclusions. If he doesn't want to be transparent in the relationship with his phone, that is a huge red flag. Furthermore he is doing other harmful things to the relationship as well.
> Please do not go on like this for years. There are steps you can take to care for yourself and your child.


This is spot on. 

The best marriages are transparent ones. I created a list of every account/password I have because I have nothing to hide and I want her to be actively involved in every aspect of my life. She did the same for me. I even ask her from the other room who's texting me sometimes. I could care less if she looks through my things, she isn't going to find anything. My wife and I do argue sometimes, but I would notice immediately if any red flags popped up that hinted her having an affair. If you are having these feelings of needing to spy on him, then you have identified that you are probably not with the right person. The porn thing is definitely a red flag and so is the fact that he takes a pill to have sex with you. Talk to him about how you feel and if he can't give you the respect to address your concerns, you would be wise to reassess your relationship.


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

Thanks everyone... I really appreciate all of the support and strong opinions.. Yes there is a lot more to this story but this isn't the forum for it and it is WAY too long...

However, I've learned I am a great actress. I faked an injury last night while he and I were playing volleyball... I faked the injury, went and sat in the bleachers and watched him play.. FINALLY the man who pee's and showers with his phone left it unattended.. and he couldn't see a thing I was doing.. I was able to look up his internet history and the amount of porn he was looking out almost daily was unbelievable.. so, infidelity out, porn addiction in!!! I confronted him when we got home, and he just lied and lied like I was an idiot. I tried talking to him as calm as possible and he just got defensive and we went in circles, just like every other time... however, I did get him at 4 am thins morning to FINALLY admit to all of the lies and of course he fed me more BS, but he said he would commit to working on the porn problem s well as my now lack of trust in him form all of the lies and hiding... so, the sooner the better.. we have an appointment tomorrow... we will see how it goes. Hopefully he breaks down the wall, stops being defensive and lying and I can learn to trust him again and look at him like I used to, because right now, I don't see the man i fell in love with. I guess time will tell...

Thank you all for everything, you have no idea how helpful you all were.. if not I would not have pushed as hard as I did and gotten somewhere!!!


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm glad you are feeling empowered. Don't back down! Hold him accountable.


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

How he acts in the counseling session tomorrow will decide whether I stay or go. I need forward progress.. REAL progress.. not BS spilling from his mouth as usual. :0)


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm glad you are feeling empowered. Don't back down! Hold him accountable.


Cynthia, undoubtedly you mean well, but shouting somewhat dated slogans might not help.

Her boy friend has had ED, so porn *may* have been his way of self-medicating.

Their problems will be -hopefully- amenable to being solved by counselling by a qualified professional.


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

Yes, Porn is his way of self medicating.. what I believe could be the issue is, he just gets so embarrassed. He has not accepted his ED. He has not come to terms with it, so he just gets so embarrassed that he chooses the porn over "REAL" sex to avoid the embarrassment. 

I think it became such an addiction that it became his reality, it became his "safe place" per say. he doesn't have pressure with porn. he doesn't have to worry about pleasing someone or disappointing them. He was embarrassed and the lies just started and spread, they became such a big part of all of it, maybe he truly believes he doesn't have an issue... 

I think I am the only person to ever really go at him like this, to dig for answers.. to try to understand it. I think he truly loves me and he realizes he has hurt me.. but he thinks he can just mask it.. cover and conceal by pushing it aside.

That will not work. We will be right back to where we are right now. He has to address it with the counselor and I so I can understand it and support him as well as learn to trust him again. 

We will never move forward otherwise. Can't be any more lies...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

love_my_man said:


> Yes, Porn is his way of self medicating.. what I believe could be the issue is, he just gets so embarrassed. He has not accepted his ED. He has not come to terms with it, so he just gets so embarrassed that he chooses the porn over "REAL" sex to avoid the embarrassment.
> 
> I think it became such an addiction that it became his reality, it became his "safe place" per say. he doesn't have pressure with porn. he doesn't have to worry about pleasing someone or disappointing them. He was embarrassed and the lies just started and spread, they became such a big part of all of it, maybe he truly believes he doesn't have an issue...
> 
> ...


He might also feel guilty. If he needs an image to focus on when trying to overcome his ED, he might not wish to use your image, because he might feel guilty about that.

So, if that is the case, can you -if you wish to- make him feel less guilty to think of you and not nameless women off the net?


----------



## JustRon (Feb 16, 2014)

*Re: possible infidelity...*



tacoma said:


> the promoters of Teen Safe aren't exactly being truthful if it requires a jailbroken iPhone and they're failing to mention that.


It's working as advertised for me on an iPhone 4S. No jailbreak required.


----------



## love_my_man (Mar 5, 2014)

@ MattMatt,

I'm not sure... I suppose if it all boils down to that's the only way, in the beginning, then sure.

Being as this has ended up being a pride and embarrassment issue, I think my main concentration needs to be him working through this so he doesn't feel that way anymore and not needing the porn. As well as me helping him do that.. by being more understanding and coming up with other ways to stimulate him. Also, by watching the porn with him. 

He needs to address the ED issue.. and by that I don't mean fix it, I mean, he needs to accept it.. he needs to face it head on, no pun intended, and he needs to move forward in saying, ok, I have the Cialis, it gets me hard, but it doesn't make me WANT sex, it doesn't make me horny and FEEL for sex. So, i will have to work harder at finding ways to make him WANT sex, not just watch movies of others..

I have to be more aggressive and make him feel ok. If he can't get hard, fine, satisfy me other ways.. still play with me, show me your ok with the situation and F me mentally but with your mouth or a vibrator.. that type of stuff.. hell, I'll wear a wig.. no woman wants her man to be stimulated by another woman.. that just leads back to us having self esteem problems.. once we are secure enough in this together, then maybe..


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

*Re: possible infidelity...*



JustRon said:


> It's working as advertised for me on an iPhone 4S. No jailbreak required.


Interesting.
I still can't find it in the App Store.

My search skills suck


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

love_my_man said:


> Being as this has ended up being a pride and embarrassment issue, I think my main concentration needs to be him working through this so he doesn't feel that way anymore and not needing the porn. As well as me helping him do that.. by being more understanding and coming up with other ways to stimulate him. Also, by watching the porn with him.


From what you have posted, it sounds like you husband's ed is porn induced. I cannot imagine how joining him in it will help anything. I know there are many people on this board that think porn is fine, but I strongly disagree.
What you are doing here is making excuses for the man and feeding into his addiction. This is not healthy for either of you and can be very self-defeating.
The problem isn't that you are not understanding enough. The problem is that he is addicted to porn and has not shown to have your best interests at heart.


love_my_man said:


> He needs to address the ED issue.. and by that I don't mean fix it, I mean, he needs to accept it.. he needs to face it head on, no pun intended, and he needs to move forward in saying, ok, I have the Cialis, it gets me hard, but it doesn't make me WANT sex, it doesn't make me horny and FEEL for sex. So, i will have to work harder at finding ways to make him WANT sex, not just watch movies of others.


 If he doesn't have a problem when he is viewing porn, it is very likely that the problem is due to the porn. It is called porn-induced ed. If he cares enough, he can resolve this.



love_my_man said:


> I have to be more aggressive and make him feel ok. If he can't get hard, fine, satisfy me other ways.. still play with me, show me your ok with the situation and F me mentally but with your mouth or a vibrator.. that type of stuff.. hell, I'll wear a wig.. no woman wants her man to be stimulated by another woman.. that just leads back to us having self esteem problems.. once we are secure enough in this together, then maybe..


It is not your job to make him feel okay. It is not your job to make him happy. That is up to him. Yes, you can impact how he feels and certainly can make choices that either help or harm him, but you cannot take responsibility for his issues. If he doesn't do that for himself, it won't happen. You saying that you are going to change yourself into something you are not in order to try to solve his problem puts it all on you. It's not on you, so you trying to take over something that is his responsibility is unable to bring a resolution.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Porn addiction and probably an attraction issue made worse by porn.

He absolutely must stop the porn and masturbation.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Porn addiction and probably an attraction issue made worse by porn.
> 
> He absolutely must stop the porn and masturbation.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

If you still want to snoop his phone look up John1068, he's an expert. 
If he doesn't have an ED problem with porn there is the danger he might think that he wouldn't have the problem with someone else and act on it. 
I would be keeping a close eye on him.


----------

