# Does it ever get better?



## FakeFendi (Dec 27, 2012)

Hey everyone, 

I've only posted here once before but I'm constantly reading other people's threads. 

I'm currently living in a sexless marriage (I'm 30, he's 34). We've only been married for 16 months, but the sex was very infrequent from the start. During the honeymoon we had sex every day (it was the honeymoon afterall!), but as soon as we got back home, I was getting turned down consistantly with all types of excuses and sex only occurred on average once per month. Although we discussed this and I stated how this was unacceptable within the first month of marriage, it didn't get better. He said he would try harder and we compromised on once/week, but that didn't even happen. After a while, we'd go weeks without sex. Then months. 

Finally, last July he went to the doctor and found out he has low T. That is now his excuse for not wanting to have sex even at the very beginning (even though sex wasn't an issue on the honeymoon). 

It has now been 4 months since we last had sex, and I have stated that I think I want a divorce (we have communication problems as well, but that's another post I guess). Now that I've dropped the D word, he swears that he can want to have more sex and he'll work on it, but I've heard that all before. 

I guess my question is, for those of you that have been in this type of situation, does it ever get better- even after an ultimatum? OR does it get better for a short period of time and next thing you know you are complaining about the same old sexless activities 10 years down the road?

Thanks for any insight.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Is he going to get testosterone treatment? If so, then yes, this might get better. If his problem is truly T-related, it might be easily treated. If I were you I would not take the D card off the table until he gets the treatment and gives some effort first.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FakeFendi said:


> Finally, last July he went to the doctor and found out he has low T. That is now his excuse for not wanting to have sex even at the very beginning (even though sex wasn't an issue on the honeymoon).


If he was low T 6 months ago, it's reasonable to assume that he was probably low T 10 months before that.



FakeFendi said:


> Now that I've dropped the D word, he swears that he can want to have more sex and he'll work on it, but I've heard that all before.


Has he not sought treatment for the low T? If he has, has it been effective?



FakeFendi said:


> I guess my question is, for those of you that have been in this type of situation, does it ever get better- even after an ultimatum? OR does it get better for a short period of time and next thing you know you are complaining about the same old sexless activities 10 years down the road?


It depends. If your husband has low T, then raising his T levels should increase his libido. If you've had communication issues and your husband hasn't understood how frustrated and hurt you are, then an ultimatum can snap him out of his fog. However, if there are other factors in play (lack of attraction, pornography addiction, etc.), then it can be much tougher to work out.

Good luck.


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## FakeFendi (Dec 27, 2012)

Faithful- we looked into testosterone treatment, but the effects of it seem so harmful for those trying to conceive, and we are still young, with no kids. We want(ed) kids at some point, so the testosterone treatment gave us pause & we decided against it. 

I also failed to mention that due to a conversation prior to the marriage, he pretty much admitted he is LD. I just don't know if he'll ever WANT to have sex as much as I do, and I certainly don't want it to feel like a burden to him. 

I'm so lost on how to make this better, safely.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

For your 16months of marriage the sex has become less and less frequent even though he has been saying he will make more effort. That is the evidence you have to go on. In your case I believe it will not get better for you. In fact you may be looking at once a year eventually. 

I would not take D off the table. I would continue to watch his actions very closely. I'm also wondering why he keeps stringing you along with promises of more sex only to not follow through?

You may want to set yourself a deadline otherwise you will be constantly waiting for improvement that doesn't happen.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

The testosterone treatment may make it difficult to conceive ... so does not having sex!


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## FakeFendi (Dec 27, 2012)

CanadianGuy- I've already told him I'm moving out this weekend and going to stay with my parents. I'm SO not happy with this situation, and I've been saying it was going to come to this for 2 months now. No real changes though (although he thinks he's doing all he can). 

Dormant- LOL! Touche.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FakeFendi....It will be an uphill battle for him to be more sexual without the aid of testosterone, but he could acheive it if he put in all his effort. You really need to ask yourself if you are ok with that, however. Do you want to have children with this man and then model a sexless marriage for your children?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

At 16 months no its not going to get better.

If anything it will get worse as he ages.

Sorry.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

FakeFendi said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> I've only posted here once before but I'm constantly reading other people's threads.
> 
> ...


There are things such as HCG and other hormones that can keep him fertile once he starts on replacement therapy. He needs to ask his Doctor. He could have a problem that is increasing the loss of testosterone which could explain the decline since marriage.

He needs a complete blood work up by either a Urologist or a Endocrinologist. Head injuries are often a cause for low T levels.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

How is is weight? That is a major cause. So is SAD ( standard American diet) with its heavy emphasis on processed toxic grains and hormone feed meat.


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## FakeFendi (Dec 27, 2012)

He is over weight by about 60lbs. The doctor told him he had to lose weight, which would help in this situation. I have to give him credit- he has dropped about 15 lbs since November. He's working on that aspect.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Fendi,

The situation will not get better with time.

Adding children into the mix will probably make it worse because of the time and energy young children need from their parents.

The two of you have very different drives and although you were aware of this before the marriage, you choose to proceed with the marriage. Not sure what to tell you on that aspect of your relationship.

If he is trly trying to improve, I would continue to live with him and encourage him.

Is it possible that when (and if) you wanted to concieve, he could stop the low-t treatments?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FakeFendi said:


> Faithful- we looked into testosterone treatment, but the effects of it seem so harmful for those trying to conceive, and we are still young, with no kids. We want(ed) kids at some point, so the testosterone treatment gave us pause & we decided against it.


Given how critical this issue is, I think you need to reconsider your objections. Would your husband rather be more fertile, and divorced, than remain married to you? That's a serious question.



FakeFendi said:


> I also failed to mention that due to a conversation prior to the marriage, he pretty much admitted he is LD. I just don't know if he'll ever WANT to have sex as much as I do, and I certainly don't want it to feel like a burden to him.


If he were healthy, then I would say that you have your answer. However, he's not. He has low T, which is likely contributing to his low libido. That is a treatable condition.

Another poster, IndyTMI, has a thread about his marriage that was in crisis. One of the issues was that his wife's hormones were low. She received hormone therapy and saw a rapid improvement in her libido.

If your husband loses weight, exercises, and gets his T levels raised, his libido may cease to be a problem.

Good luck.


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## FakeFendi (Dec 27, 2012)

Toffer & PHT- I guess we'd need to further discuss the hormone therapy with the doctor again. I'm sure I sound like a jerk because this is a medical condition, but the fact that there isn't much good in other parts of the marriage really discourages me from sticking out the lack of sex issue right now. I'm just so tired after a year and some of begging for sex and getting loads of excuses (which only rarely was "I'm tired"). 

I guess I'm just also confused because during the honeymoon he had the energy to make moves daily. Just looks like once we got back home he could have made the effort to be more intimate _if he wanted_. Because apparently, he wanted to be intimate on the honeymoon, even though he may have been tired. I dunno. :scratchhead:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FakeFendi said:


> Toffer & PHT- I guess we'd need to further discuss the hormone therapy with the doctor again.


That would be the first thing I did. It seems like the low T is the elephant in the room. It could explain much of what you're talking about. Raising the T levels might resolve many of your issues.



FakeFendi said:


> I'm sure I sound like a jerk because this is a medical condition, but the fact that there isn't much good in other parts of the marriage really discourages me from sticking out the lack of sex issue right now. I'm just so tired after a year and some of begging for sex and getting loads of excuses (which only rarely was "I'm tired").


You're anonymous, so who cares how much of a jerk you sound like? And, everyone has their own level of commitment in a marriage. Some people view marriage as a lifetime covenant that can only be dissolved by infidelity. Some people view marriage as a convenience that lasts only as long as the mutual desire to continue does. Legally, all 50 states have adopted the convenience view of marriage and allow for quick, no-hassle, no-fault divorce. Your actions will depend on where you fall on the commitment spectrum.



FakeFendi said:


> I guess I'm just also confused because during the honeymoon he had the energy to make moves daily. Just looks like once we got back home he could have made the effort to be more intimate _if he wanted_. Because apparently, he wanted to be intimate on the honeymoon, even though he may have been tired. I dunno. :scratchhead:


Most couples experience higher libido (and sexual frequency) on the honeymoon than they do when they get back into their real lives. There's no reason to think that your husband should be exempt from that scenario. The excitement of marrying you, and being in a new place with no responsibilities or distractions could overcome his low T and explain his temporarily high libido.

Good luck.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

FakeFendi said:


> Hey everyone, It has now been 4 months since we last had sex, and I have stated that I think I want a divorce (we have communication problems as well, but that's another post I guess).
> 
> Thanks for any insight.


It does get better but the issue you mentioned above do match, communication problems can be the result of no sex, it can also add complications to the bonding needed for good sex.

Till you are able to deal with communication problems you likely will have little sex. My wife and I had this issue. Once it was resolved our sex life vastly improved.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

FakeFendi said:


> ...but the fact that there isn't much good in other parts of the marriage really discourages me from sticking out the lack of sex issue right now.


Well that's an interesting comment. 

Maybe he's posting on TAM saying "I'm not interested in sex with my wife because there isn't much good in other parts of the marriage."

Is lack of sex just a symptom of something else in the marriage, but conveniently blamed on low T?


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

FakeFendi said:


> He is over weight by about 60lbs. The doctor told him he had to lose weight, which would help in this situation. I have to give him credit- he has dropped about 15 lbs since November. He's working on that aspect.


Wow 15lbs is a lot in such a short time.  He must be working really hard at it. Maybe to hard. Sounds like he has some interest in fixing things. Maybe there is hope.

There are ways to boost testosterone with diet and the RIGHT kind of exercise. Not as much as with gels or injections. When a male is overweight the body starts turning to much of the produced testosterone into estrogen. Get some Cialis and see if he likes it. He may be concerned about performance. 

Look into purchasing pastured grass fed beef and pastured chicken. It is expensive but if you have a cheat freezer you can buy a 1/4 or 1/2 cow to bring the cost down or "cowpool" with friends. 

I am done with kids so testosterone injections are not a concern for me, but being overweight I need a LOT to boost my levels. He should see an board certified endocrinologist to help.


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## FakeFendi (Dec 27, 2012)

Chris- we've discussed this and he is confused as to why I'm not happy. He thinks that he's communicative, but all he does is give me a technical breakdown of his day (at noon I at lunch, at 2 I spoke to this guy). He doesn't share any feelings with me and our conversation is very...blah. Meanwhile, he recently stated that we weren't having sex at first because "sex doesn't pay the bills" (and he was and is still out of a permanent/salaried job and works temporary gigs when available). Since he was diagnosed with Low T that is the excuse for everything, but I think something else is going on. Anyway, now I'm not attracted to him anymore. He's just been such a big baby over the last year+, I'm just totally turned off. 

He's happy in the marriage because he is TOTALLY winning in the situation. We split the bills, I cook daily (when not juicing), clean, do laundry; grocery shop and pay for the groceries; make sure the house and my body are in tact... I feel like the man and the woman in the relationship! 

Stargate- we've been juicing so that's how the weight came off  Juice"feasting" is great and not as difficult as some might think.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

there is no way that kids should be a consideration before this problem and your other problems are solved. How could you bring up divorce in one conversation, but shelve the testosterone for future conceiving in another?

deal with one situation at a time. Let him get the T treatment and see how it goes.

but if everything is like pulling teeth, if you're the only one who thinks there's a problem in the marriage, if you're the only one working to make it better, if you're frustrated and unhappy, and it's not just about sex, then this might not be a marriage worth saving. either you didn't know him well enough before the marriage, or he changed, or you changed, but you are too early into this marriage, and probably too young to accept a life of less than mediocrity.

since it sounds like you're read a lot of posts here, you know what a hot and heavy exciting loving marriage is, and you also know that lack of sex is a marriage killer. Low/No sex makes people leave long term marriages, so it is certainly a reason to leave a 16 month old marriage.


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