# Husband's Friend Taking Over Our Relationship



## halloween1234567 (Feb 20, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half. We have a good friend, "Bill" who we have known for a long time. Bill lives really close to us, and he is CONSTANTLY over at our house, which has been a source of arguments and frustration for us. My husband invites Bill over frequently, without discussing it with me first. 

Normally, I wouldn't mind friends coming over, except for the fact that Bill is very loud, likes to drink, and never leaves. Bill is not currently working, so he will even come over on weeknights. Our house has very thin walls and carries sound, so when Bill is over, I get zero sleep (I wake up at 5 am every day for work). My husband and Bill drink, listen to music, and play video games all night and are so loud, that I just lay there in bed listening to them and can't sleep. It is the same routine every time...I get out of bed, and ask them to be quiet, and they say ok but then get loud again 20 minutes later. This is a normal routine that happens every night of the weekend, and sometimes on a weeknight. My husband also works, so I expect him to be understanding of me wanting to get rest, but he does not seem to get it.

In addition to the loudness at night, the lack of privacy and alone time with my husband at home is starting to get to me, too. Bill is over here all the time, so the one-on-one time with my husband is almost nonexistent. We have exactly maybe ONE "Just me and you" weekend night per month, and that is when I have to ask for it over a week in advance. If I don't ask for this in advance and give constant reminders, he will invite Bill over. Our sex life is in very rough shape. We also have sex exactly once per month, and one of the reasons is because I can't get my husband away from Bill and other friends. It is very frustrating because I am starting to become jealous of all of my other married friends who are doing fun things with their husbands, while we do nothing together. For example, today I was planning on cooking a lovely Sunday dinner and hanging out with my husband as we settle down and prepare for the work week. Instead, he decided to invite Bill over, so they have been watching hockey, drinking, and playing video games for the last 7 hours, and I have been sitting in the bedroom alone reading. This is a frequent occurrence- even this past Christmas, after the family celebration ended Bill came over and they played video games all night (until 7 am) while I went to bed and pretended not to hear them.

I have discussed my concerns with my husband frequently, but he does not seem to understand why I am frustrated. I will ask him "Can we please not have Bill over tomorrow night?" and he will say sure, but then change his mind and invite Bill over anyway. I am wondering if I am out of line and not complain about who my husband chooses to invite over, or how often, since this is also his house, or if I have valid concerns. I really don't think this is healthy behavior for a married couple, especially since this is taking a toll on our sex life. I am starting to feel like I don't own my own house anymore because I can't do things that most people get to do at home, such as walk around without a bra, watch what I want on TV, or hang out with my husband because we are constantly entertaining this guest in our home. I really want to be a person who makes everyone feel welcome in my home, but I also think there needs to be boundaries. I bring this up to my husband ALL THE TIME, and he says he understands, but nothing is changing.

Is anyone else in a similar situation, or does anyone have any advice to help us find a solution? Am I wrong here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like Bill needs a girlfriend. Do you have anyone you can fix him up with?

How old are you and your husband?

*"I am wondering if I am out of line and not complain about who my husband chooses to invite over, or how often, since this is also his house, or if I have valid concerns. I really don't think this is healthy behavior for a married couple, especially since this is taking a toll on our sex life. "*

You are not out-of-line at all. Your husband is being grossly disrespectful of you. It's your house as much as it is his. Your needs should have as much weight as his. He's letting his acting like a single man disrupt your sleep. He's not spending time with you. And he's completely ignoring your sex life. What your husband is doing is wrong. He's putting a friend before his wife. Not good at all.

A marriage in which sex happens 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless marriage. If yours is not sexless, it's very close to being sexless.

You will need to get a lot more serious with your husband about this. 

Are you willing to do what it takes to put a stop to this nonsense? What will it take? You are going to have to tell him firmly that either things change or you are filing for divorce, leaving, etc. It's scary, apparently he's not taking you very seriously right now.

So are you ready to fix this?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Bill is an idot as is your husband. 

A lot of guys really need 2x4's to to back of the head. Bill being in the home non-stop is big stuff. @EleGirl is right it's 2x4 time, right now. If bill is in the house you need to stop reading this forum, get up tell Bill he needs to leave right now and say to your husband, you go with him or stay and explain right now why you should stay married to him. 

You are about to become a WAW (walk away wife). Their are a number of threads where this occured. I don't have a link but others might. No adultery no emtional affairs, the wife simply packed a bag and left. Sometimes they told the husband they where leaving, sometimes left a note, other times just left the husband getting divorce papers in the mail. 

Marriage builders, for one, has a lot of great ideas about how to create and build a marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell him that 3 in a marriage is a no-go. He has to lose his boyfriend. Any guy who would rather play video games than make love to his wife is an outright loser.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

This is crazy. This was me in my very first serious relationship. Except it wasn't just Bill, it was Bill and 2 or 3 other friends and they weren't just over on weekends, it was on week nights as well. Video games and alcohol. It was a one-bedroom house. The noise was ridiculous. Zero privacy outside of my bedroom, I couldn't shower or use the toilet without walking through a bunch of idiots all over my house. 

I joined them in the beginning because I didn't want to be seen as the gf spoiling her man's fun with his friends. But it just wouldn't stop! We were barely having sex and I spoke to him about it over and over again. Eventually I just gave up talking. We became roommates and he didn't even notice. The shizzle hit the fan when I came home after work and one of his friends had pissed all over the toilet seat. For some reason that just sent me over the edge. I packed my clothes up that night and walked out with him still sitting there playing video games with his friends. Of course he called crying and moaning about how sorry he was, he would talk to them about the noise blah blah blah. 3 months later is when it really hit him and he called to say how stupid he was, he had no excuse for why he was so blind etc etc. Uh bye, flips phone! No way I would ever, ever, ever put up with that again.

My bf and I were 19 at the time and I thought it was so incredibly immature. It is insane that a grown man is acting this way. I'd say its time to walk out, even if its not permanent.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

how long have you been married?

after a number of years, many marriages go stale, become routine and boring if they aren't nurtured properly (and that means by both!).

the void created by the marriage going stale is filled with other non-spousal activities.........workaholic, bromances, hanging too much with the guys, 
emotional affairs, et.

your husband is taking your marriage for granted and needs to stop the bromance and remember what he said to you on your wedding day.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Your husband is a moron. You are obviously talking to someone who doesn't hear or care.
Time to approach this from the other side.

I would say sternly to Bill, in front of husband with no forwarning the following.

"Bill, you need to go home. Don't come back unless you receive and invite from me. You being here all the time has ruined my sexlife, and almost my entire marriage. I'm not willing to throw my marriage away so you guys can play video games and act like 15 year olds. Please leave now so I can start working on my marriage immediately."

Don't go back to your bedroom. Walk to the front door, open it, and wait for Bill to walk out of it.

Your husband may be upset about you embarrassing him. If he throws a fit, open the door again and tell him to go to Bill and not come back until he wants to be married.

If you do this, your situation may have some hope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> *how long have you been married?*
> 
> after a number of years, many marriages go stale, become routine and boring if they aren't nurtured properly (and that means by both!).
> 
> ...





halloween1234567 said:


> My husband and I have been married for about *a year and a half. *


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that being the case, only a year and a half of marriage is newly weds.

your husbands behavior is outside the norm for even guys and is much more characteristic of guys who have been
married for many years.

i don't get it. he should be enjoying marriage and not hanging out with his buddy. what's up with this guy????

i'm with the others, though. do not tolerate this!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are you sure your husband isn't gay?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

perhaps that is what you need to ask him....do you and bill need alone time, because i need that with a man, and if its not going to be you....maybe he will get the point than.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

All you have to do is ask your husband if he would be interested in a threesome, you, your husband and Bill. Tell him since Bill is over so often you have grown attached to him and can't help but fantasize about him. Tell him Bill has been giving the look over so you know he's interested.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is a trick I used in my dating days when there would be a cling on(friend of the girl I was with)who always seemed to be around.On the rare occasion that I could get my date on her own I would ask her "where's ****" .Then say is **** not coming around tonight,she's great fun.It worked every time.
If your husband gets even the slightest idea that you're attracted to Bill then he will soon get rid of him.If he doesn't then you have a gay or bi husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> This is a trick I used in my dating days when there would be a cling on(friend of the girl I was with)who always seemed to be around.On the rare occasion that I could get my date on her own I would ask her "where's ****" .Then say is **** not coming around tonight,she's great fun.It worked every time.
> If your husband gets even the slightest idea that you're attracted to Bill then he will soon get rid of him.If he doesn't then you have a gay or bi husband.


This could really back fire. Her husband could then accuse her to wanting to cheat and all sort of things. Best to not go there.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Cooper said:


> All you have to do is ask your husband if he would be interested in a threesome, you, your husband and Bill. Tell him since Bill is over so often you have grown attached to him and can't help but fantasize about him. Tell him Bill has been giving the look over so you know he's interested.





Andy1001 said:


> This is a trick I used in my dating days when there would be a cling on(friend of the girl I was with)who always seemed to be around.On the rare occasion that I could get my date on her own I would ask her "where's ****" .Then say is **** not coming around tonight,she's great fun.It worked every time.
> If your husband gets even the slightest idea that you're attracted to Bill then he will soon get rid of him.If he doesn't then you have a gay or bi husband.


Hilarious and genius! Muahahahhahahaha


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> This could really back fire. Her husband could then accuse her to wanting to cheat and all sort of things. Best to not go there.


I don't mean go nuclear with it,just a casual remark should get him thinking.Mind you if he prefers hanging with his buddy this early in the marriage then it doesn't look good to be honest.
My lesbian friend always told me the motto of all the "bromantics"was "never leave you're buddies behind".


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@halloween1234567, your husband's behavior is completely unacceptable, and you need to lay down the law with him, pronto. A marriage can't survive when there are three people in it, and right now there are three people in your marriage. You need to embrace your inner ***** and put a stop to this right now.

EleGirl wrote:


EleGirl said:


> You are not out-of-line at all. Your husband is being grossly disrespectful of you. It's your house as much as it is his. Your needs should have as much weight as his. He's letting his acting like a single man disrupt your sleep. He's not spending time with you. And he's completely ignoring your sex life. What your husband is doing is wrong. He's putting a friend before his wife. Not good at all.
> ...
> Are you willing to do what it takes to put a stop to this nonsense? What will it take? You are going to have to tell him firmly that either things change or you are filing for divorce, leaving, etc. It's scary, apparently he's not taking you very seriously right now.


You need to tell him flat out that he is being disrespectful, and that he is neglecting your needs as a husband, and he is refusing you even the common courtesy that one would extend to a roommate! I think what Ele writes above is a pretty good start with what to say.

He needs to prioritize you and your marriage, and right now he's not doing that. He may come back at you with, "I can't believe I'm asking you to choose between you and my best friend!" and yes, you are asking him to choose, and if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to choose you. A good husband's first priority will always be his wife, followed by his family, and then his friends.

But seriously, what your husband is doing is making me ill to my stomach. You deserve better than this, but you're never going to get it unless you make a stand and demand it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I don't mean go nuclear with it,just a casual remark should get him thinking.Mind you if he prefers hanging with his buddy this early in the marriage then it doesn't look good to be honest.
> *My lesbian friend always told me the motto of all the "bromantics"was "never leave you're buddies behind"*.


Really, Andy, do you think that was (excuse me I have to:rofl: ok, that's over) necessary?:grin2:


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Our girlfriend married a guy exactly like your husband. He was a closet alcoholic because he did not consider drinking beer all night to make him an alcoholic. His best friend Fred was with him at night and during the weekends. They would take Fred's boat out to mostly drink out of sight of their wives. Before she became our girlfriend, she spent a lot of time over our house because she did not want to be alone all the time. She became like family to us because she came to us with all of her problems and we showed her the love, attention and support she did not get from her husband. She divorced her husband after 3 years because he still hadn't grown up. He was still immature even though he was in his late twenties. I have known guys like that. They date for so long that they marry to keep their girlfriends from leaving them or feel that it is the next logical step. They marry but still act like they are single. Some guys mature faster than others. Some women marry guys because they think they will change or that they could change them after they marry. It works both ways and sometimes it is both who are marrying for the wrong reasons. I have to think that your husband's behavior has not changed much from before you got married. I will guess that his friend was still around a lot but perhaps you thought he would change after marriage? If not, then there is a more serious problem happening because he is using his friend to spend less time with you. 

My wife and I always have kept each other and our marriage above all else. Above friends, family and sex partners. We are married over 44 years and still love each other as we did the day we first met. We are still each other's best friend and would cancel anything if the other did not want us to do it, no matter how important it was to us. I once almost gave up a very high paying job because my wife was unhappy where we lived and wanted to move back home. I told my boss that either they transfer me or I had to quit. No job was worth my wife's unhappiness. I got the transfer and a raise because all they had was an opening at their largest branch office near our old home. Worked out well for us but I was willing to give it all up for my wife. I also gave up my dream career when my wife fell ill and needed care for a year. I never complained or blamed her during a fight. It was my choice, not hers and it actually turned out for the best. I did end up in the field I wanted to be in, just not when I was 21, but when I was 53.

I cannot imagine not stopping to see a friend if my wife wanted me to. I have done so before as she has done for me. Sometimes friends can drag you down or keep you there and others see it but not you. Really sounds like your hubby is immature. 

A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior; Psych 101. What you see is what you will continue to get. I had a friend of mine whose wife continued to hang out with her friends like she did before she got married. Her friends were both male and female. Sure enough she cheated on my friend and they separated. They got back together many years later after she matured because they had a kid together. She did not mature and get out of the putting friends before marriage mindset until she was in her mid 30's. 

If you ask and he ignores you, I think you know where you stand in his life so the next step is yours, even though it is a difficult step to take. What is obvious is that he does not put you first and that is not a good thing. Good luck.

I debated whether to mention this, but just take it as my story and not applicable to your marriage. My wife spent a lot of time with her best friend. They were inseparable. Luckily I liked her best friend and we had a crush on each other since we were kids. They mostly included me in what they did other than when they went shopping. We dined together and went to clubs together. It was not a problem in our marriage because I knew my wife's friend longer than she did and she was a friend to both of us. Long story short, turns out that they are both bi but repressed it and fed it by hanging out a lot together. I have seen this with men too. My point is not that your husband may be bisexual, but that there is usually some deeper reason why he prefers his friend over you. Are you just the woman who provides a nice home, hot meal and sex for him when he wants it? Obviously there is a reason why your husband wants to spend so much time with his friend rather than you. It can be as simple as preferring his friend over you, not loving you much or that he just does not find you as someone he enjoys being with to do fun things. You need to find out the underlying reason for your husband's behavior. If he refuses to go to couples counselling it says one of two things or both; that he does not love you enough to save the marriage or he is hiding something.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> Our girlfriend married a guy exactly like your husband. He was a closet alcoholic because he did not consider drinking beer all night to make him an alcoholic. His best friend Fred was with him at night and during the weekends. They would take Fred's boat out to mostly drink out of sight of their wives. Before she became our girlfriend, she spent a lot of time over our house because she did not want to be alone all the time. She became like family to us because she came to us with all of her problems and we showed her the love, attention and support she did not get from her husband. She divorced her husband after 3 years because he still hadn't grown up. He was still immature even though he was in his late twenties. I have known guys like that. They date for so long that they marry to keep their girlfriends from leaving them or feel that it is the next logical step. They marry but still act like they are single. Some guys mature faster than others. Some women marry guys because they think they will change or that they could change them after they marry. It works both ways and somethings it is both who are marrying for the wrong reasons. I have to think that your husband's behavior has changed much from before you got married. I will guess that his friend was still around a lot but perhaps you thought he would change after marriage? If not, then there is a more serious problem happening because he is using his friend to spend less time with you.
> 
> My wife and I always have kept each other and our marriage above all else. Above friends, family and sex partners. We are married over 44 years and still love each other as we did the day we first met. We are still each other's best friend and would cancel anything if the other did not want us to do it, no matter how important it was to us. I once gave up a very high paying job because my wife was unhappy where we lived and wanted to move back home. I told my boss that either they transfer me I had to quit. No job was worth my wife's unhappiness. I got the transfer and a raise because all they had was an opening at their largest branch office near our old home. Worked out well for us but I was willing to give it all up for my wife. I also gave up my dream career when my wife fell ill an needed care for a year. I never complained or ever blamed her during a fight. It was my choice, not hers and it actually turned out for the best. I did end up in the field I wanted to be in out of college, just not when I was 21 but when I was 53.
> 
> ...


Great post.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> Great post.


Agreed. @Vinnydee is clearly a very emotionally mature man, and a good husband.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Cooper said:


> All you have to do is ask your husband if he would be interested in a threesome, you, your husband and Bill. Tell him since Bill is over so often you have grown attached to him and can't help but fantasize about him. Tell him Bill has been giving the look over so you know he's interested.


That actually might be a way to get through to such a clueless spouse.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

halloween1234567 said:


> I bring this up to my husband ALL THE TIME, and he says he understands, but nothing is changing.
> 
> Is anyone else in a similar situation, or does anyone have any advice to help us find a solution? Am I wrong here?


Unfortunately, this is who you married. He's simply too immature to have a normal, healthy marriage. You might be able to do something to lessen the amount of time that Bill spends with your husband in your home, but you'd still be left with a husband who thinks that his behavior was completely normal and acceptable. If I were you, I'd save myself years of frustration and end the marriage.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Actions speak louder than words. If your husband can't say no to Bill, but thinks nothing of telling you no...you've got a problem, not with Bill...but with your husband. It's almost a passive aggressive way of showing you that he's not interested in putting any time or effort into hanging out with you, alone. I'd probably address it that way, no need to play games, and flirt with Bill. lol


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband is an idiot, and very immature. So is Bill.

If this was happening in my home, I would have thrown Bill out long ago and told him not to come back unless he was invited. I would also have told my husband that neither of us were to invite people over for the evening without discussing it with the other.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I may be way off base here but wonder if your husband and Bill are doing drugs together. The video games and drinking can certainly become addictive to people but when I look at your husband calling Bill over after you have specifically asked him not to, or your husband staying up all night playing games when he has work the next day it seems to me there's a stronger force in play here than just buddies. 

I lean more toward two guys doing drugs together than a secret gay bromance. Drug use can easily replace every other aspect of a persons life, and seeing that you are newlyweds and he is already pushing you away and disrespecting you I have to believe there's something stimulating that behavior. 

Does your husband do drugs? Does Bill do drugs? Either have a history of drug use?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Cooper said:


> I may be way off base here but wonder if your husband and Bill are doing drugs together. The video games and drinking can certainly become addictive to people but when I look at your husband calling Bill over after you have specifically asked him not to, or your husband staying up all night playing games when he has work the next day it seems to me there's a stronger force in play here than just buddies.
> 
> I lean more toward two guys doing drugs together than a secret gay bromance. Drug use can easily replace every other aspect of a persons life, and seeing that you are newlyweds and he is already pushing you away and disrespecting you I have to believe there's something stimulating that behavior.
> 
> Does your husband do drugs? Does Bill do drugs? Either have a history of drug use?


I hadn't thought of this, but now that you bring up this possibility, this seems like a really plausible reason for this messed-up behavior.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I hadn't thought of this, but now that you bring up this possibility, this seems like a really plausible reason for this messed-up behavior.


Alcohol is a drug.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Alcohol is a drug.


Yes, it is... but different drugs have different effects and do different things... and alcohol isn't illegal, whereas some of the other things that come to mind aren't.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

sidney2718 said:


> Alcohol is a drug.


Alcohol is a drug for sure. The scenario the OP laid out doesn't seem like a couple of guys drinking together, though it wouldn't surprise me if drinking was involved. The way the OP describes things it sounds like an insatiable need that pulls her husband and Bill together, even when the husband knows he shouldn't because he has work, even though he knows it will tick his wife off and she has directly asked him not to, even though he knows he is neglecting his wife, he keeps doing it. The more I think about the more inclined I am to believe they are doing drugs together.

I guess the OP isn't too stressed about it though, she hasn't returned with any other postings.


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