# Like insight if had young child(ren), divorced, did you truly disrupt their life?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I would really like to hear from you if you went through a divorce/dissolution, whether an ugly one or civil, and had a young child(ren).

How did they react, cope, feel? Did you ever get past the guilt of possibly ruining their lives even though you knew in your heart it was/is the right thing?

My H is very savvy at saying the right things to hit my lowest of low emotional points and building on my guilt that he knows I carry.

His latest is 1) I'm just confused 2) I will regret all of this 3) I will have the wrath of my daughter to deal with (mind you right now with many events that have taken place she fears her father...still plays with him etc but when she doesn't do something right or makes a mistake no matter what, she freaks at the idea he may yell and get very angry with her) and then also, due to I always worry what other's think..that's a HUGE card he reminds me of and plays on me. The dissapointment.

So....I just thought I would ask those who are and/or have been through this with young ones your experience and advice. She is 7 by the way and very bright. She even ask me if we were 'breaking up' and laughed about it. I responded with that isn't something she needs to worry about right now and changed the subject.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I am going through this now with young children - 7 and 3. Just starting the proceedings, but have been living through what seems like a day in hell for about 6 months. He left in October. I am the spouse that did not want the divorce though so my perspective is a little bit different. The 3 year old is really too young to understand and the good thing is that she won't know any different. The 7 year old obviously feels it. But, that's because - even though I'd like to rip out my H's throat and run him over with my car - we can't and don't show that anger in front of the kids. When we told him about dad moving out, we told him that sometimes moms and dads need a break but that it had nothing to do with him and that we both loved him more than ever. He took it much better than I expected. Ever since H moved out we've stuck to an informal visitation agreement and I have not denied him access. I don't speak badly about their father when they are around and I don't ask them any questions about him when they come back. If they talk about him, it's a short and sweet "that's nice" and then change the subject. I've cried near them and gotten upset at times, but my counselor says it's okay to let them know that I'm sad and that it's because I miss daddy. I don't wallow in it when they're around, but they are not going to be hurt by emotions. The thing to keep in mind is that you both have to be committed to making sure the children don't get hurt. It's exceedingly hard, but not impossible. If you think your H is going to be vindictive or try to use the kids against you, you may want to look into seeing a family counselor to help you both "co parent" or see if your local courts offer a program for separated or divorced couples with children. There are resources out there to help. My position is that I do not have to be friends with my soon to be ex and I don't even really have to be friendly with him. I just have to hide my true feelings from the kids, not play games with their emotions and every time I feel like using them to jab back at him in some passive aggressive way, I have to remember that it is their best interests that is most important. I hope that helps.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Although I have not read all of your threads, I've read enough to know that the current situation isn't healthy for your daughter--or you. You really aren't doing your daughter any favors by staying in this abusive and controlling environment. Your daughter understands more than you think. You should be honest with her when she asks. But, remind her that both mom and dad love her very much no matter what happens.

My children were older when my marriage ended. But, they all agree things are much better for them now that the house is a peaceful place.

Hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.


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## Belle703 (Nov 14, 2010)

Well, unfortunately, I divorced when my daughter was 6 and my son was 2. They are now 18 and 14. They are both very well adjusted and my daughter has a very nice, stable boyfriend...yay!


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

No, I am glad to hear from those who are the ones who did NOT want the divorce or initiate. That helps too as H will be on this side. I did not feel it would go badly, but some recent developments and comments mad, make me feel otherwise now if I follow through. That sort of scares me since we do have a 7yr old. Guilt of not being the perfect wife/mommy and doing what's right I guess. But, it would be what right by his terms, and I cannot live that way anymore no matter how much it hurts. Thank you, I appreciate your time in posting.


blownaway said:


> I am going through this now with young children - 7 and 3. Just starting the proceedings, but have been living through what seems like a day in hell for about 6 months. He left in October. I am the spouse that did not want the divorce though so my perspective is a little bit different. The 3 year old is really too young to understand and the good thing is that she won't know any different. The 7 year old obviously feels it. But, that's because - even though I'd like to rip out my H's throat and run him over with my car - we can't and don't show that anger in front of the kids. When we told him about dad moving out, we told him that sometimes moms and dads need a break but that it had nothing to do with him and that we both loved him more than ever. He took it much better than I expected. Ever since H moved out we've stuck to an informal visitation agreement and I have not denied him access. I don't speak badly about their father when they are around and I don't ask them any questions about him when they come back. If they talk about him, it's a short and sweet "that's nice" and then change the subject. I've cried near them and gotten upset at times, but my counselor says it's okay to let them know that I'm sad and that it's because I miss daddy. I don't wallow in it when they're around, but they are not going to be hurt by emotions. The thing to keep in mind is that you both have to be committed to making sure the children don't get hurt. It's exceedingly hard, but not impossible. If you think your H is going to be vindictive or try to use the kids against you, you may want to look into seeing a family counselor to help you both "co parent" or see if your local courts offer a program for separated or divorced couples with children. There are resources out there to help. My position is that I do not have to be friends with my soon to be ex and I don't even really have to be friendly with him. I just have to hide my true feelings from the kids, not play games with their emotions and every time I feel like using them to jab back at him in some passive aggressive way, I have to remember that it is their best interests that is most important. I hope that helps.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Although I have not read all of your threads, I've read enough to know that the current situation isn't healthy for your daughter--or you. You really aren't doing your daughter any favors by staying in this abusive and controlling environment. Your daughter understands more than you think. You should be honest with her when she asks. But, remind her that both mom and dad love her very much no matter what happens.
> 
> My children were older when my marriage ended. But, they all agree things are much better for them now that the house is a peaceful place.
> 
> Hope you find the strength to do what you need to do.


I know that in my heart. Since I found courage to actually say it to him, he's sooooo different. Yet, I know that is temporary. He still doesn't feel he needs professional help. Not saying the pastor isn't professional help, but I truly believe he needs someone more 'versed or trained' in the controlling/manipulating part. Maybe I'm very nieve in my thinking. He's very quiet, subdued, depressed obviously. His actions now add to my guilt in making me second guess all my feelings....again! It's just goes so much deeper for me and his 'new' outlook and dramatic change...I just do not want to move forward in. If that makes me a terrible woman, wife, mother...well I guess I am and hopefully some day, through the counseling I will need to seek, I will get past all that and be the strong confident happy woman I use to be and deserve to be again.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Children are smart, my stbxh was very controlling and when he left my son 6 wasnt that affected by it, yes he cried, but later said that its better that daddy dont live here, he knew his father was always on edge, i mean one day daddy said who made a mark on the door and my son at 5 wispered to me mom tell him I did it, I will take the blame, I dont want you to get introuble. You have to be strong for them, there has to be at least one strong parent in their lives, to protect them.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

bellringer said:


> Children are smart, my stbxh was very controlling and when he left my son 6 wasnt that affected by it, yes he cried, but later said that its better that daddy dont live here, he knew his father was always on edge, i mean one day daddy said who made a mark on the door and my son at 5 wispered to me mom tell him I did it, I will take the blame, I dont want you to get introuble. You have to be strong for them, there has to be at least one strong parent in their lives, to protect them.


Awe, so precious yet sad. I'm am seeing and figuring out, our DD lies to us now in fear. I know it's fear of what she see's feels or thinks daddy will do. That makes me very sad and worried. I don't want her, espeically this young to feel lying is better! I take blame as well for not standing up to these actions when I seen them back in the potty training stage. I've contributed, I feel, in her 'habits' or learning this may be better? I don't know. She get's so upset anymore over everything from not being able to understand homework questions, to reading, to even just playing games. If she doesn't get something right the first time, she cries as if she is such a dissapiontment. She even has said to me "I can never do anything right". Not sure if she has heard me saying that to my H at some point or if she feels that way due to the tone of yelling she gets from her dad...and I in past. I've taken measure vai medication that I truly believe has helped me be way more calm with her. I guess the intial 'step forward' is the hardest of all.

Thank you for sharing.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I wrote what I said to him last nite as he was telling me his friends parents are divorced, it is in the thread, he sounds a little suprised. I just dont want to type it all over again. we have to be there for the kids, were taking care of them and raising them, not the other way around. I remember the first 2 weeks were so hard stbx wasnt ready to tell son he wasnt coming home, it was the hardest for me to get on the floor and play with him and hold back tears. but I did it, I dont want my son to think he has to protect me.


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