# Wife moved out 10 days ago



## Izzdan (Jul 27, 2017)

She told me at first she wanted to date again, get to know each other all over again. Then changed her mind 2 days after she moved out. Then said she wanted to work on things again, then told me it was over. Not she's acting like she still wants to but needs time to figure out what she wants to do. We have a 16 month old son together. I would say about 70% of our marriage was good but the 30% was bad. We bickered a lot and had trust issues. We've seen each other 4 times since she moved out 10 days ago. I'm holding on, still want to do things for her but I know it's probably wrong and I should give her the space she needs. Is it a good idea or bad idea to invite her out to dinner or buy her dinner. Her financial situation is pretty bad so I would say i'm just looking out for her but most likely it's just me trying to be nice. I've always done everything for her so it wouldn't be unusual, I've cooked and fed us and shopped 99% of the time. I know right now she has no money so good or bad idea to pick her up dinner? I don't want her to think i'm being needy or should I just let her realize what it's like to live in the real world and try to support herself?


----------



## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

If she doesn't want to be in the marriage....Why in the HELL would you keep supporting her. She obviously has some serious issues. And to do that while having a baby? She needs help. But you need to be a father. But for heaven's sake, if you keep feeding her and putting her on. She will keep stringing you along as well. 


Keep some sanity and respect for yourself. Stop the crazy train and get off. (with the kid, since she can't care for herself.) You need to work on the 180. Look it up. You need a line in the sand. (respect)


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I think I get the gist here but could you really detail the trust issues and bickering?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

So you think if you continue to be a "Nice Guy" she'll come to her senses? You did everything for her before. Not to be smart, but how did that work out? 

What were the trust issues? 

Where is your child?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Check your phone bill.

The pattern she is following absolutely screams "other man".

And from this point forward, believe not one word she says...and believe every last thing she does. You will start to trust her again...that is, trust her to be utterly untrustworthy.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I just read your first post from a year ago. Your situation looks like your problems have not only continued but have blossomed. That's what happens when you don't address them properly. 

Now that things are dire, are you really ready to act? 

Hint... Nothing changes until you do.

Good luck.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Izzdan said:


> She told me at first she wanted to date again, get to know each other all over again. Then changed her mind 2 days after she moved out. Then said she wanted to work on things again, then told me it was over. Not she's acting like she still wants to but needs time to figure out what she wants to do. We have a 16 month old son together. I would say about 70% of our marriage was good but the 30% was bad. We bickered a lot and had trust issues. We've seen each other 4 times since she moved out 10 days ago. I'm holding on, still want to do things for her but I know it's probably wrong and I should give her the space she needs.
> 
> If you chase they always move farther away
> 
> ...


She walks out and you're trying to help make it easier for her? Not yo smart.

Check your phone bill. Don't be surprised if you uncover a boyfriend.

Better wake up


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

My first thought is she found someone else and is in the process of replacing you, but she isn't sure the other man's intentions so keeping you on a string (just in case).


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Here's the thing ID, let's just assume you were the nice guy during the relationship and you came through on all that you mentioned often. The issue with continuing to do that is that your Wife is going to be getting many of the benefits that you provided during an active marriage, without being 'married'. 

Put aside the games and schemes and ulterior motives. Flat out, the reason you stop doing this stuff is so that she can realize what she will be MISSING when she doesn't have you as a support system anymore. She can't miss you if you are still giving her the best parts of what she is used to.

Go to a lawyer if you haven't already and figure out what you need to do and support legally, all while going the extra mile for your child but only doing what is necessary for the walk away wife (maybe even wayward).


----------



## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

Sorry to tell you, but there's only one reason to move out. She wants to date you and have you and the OM compete and evaluate the both of you. I'm sure it breaks your heart. 

Turnabout is fair play - do the 180 and get her back. Stay together long enough to bond properly with your daughter 10 years, maybe - easier to stick it out than you'd think. Then dump her. You'll be poised to find a better partner and she will be old with a kid.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If she has no money, how did move out?

Oh, and she's cheating. Sorry.


----------



## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Izzdan said:


> I use to drink a lot, almost everyday. I've recently cut back to twice a week. I found myself a hobby, i've started doing Martial Arts 3 times a week.
> 
> She says I get to do whatever I want, but I don't feel I do. Yes I found a hobby and this is what I like to do. I've stopped drinking everyday and now I found something else to occupy my time rather than drinking beer and i'm happy and proud of myself for doing this. She says she can't find a hobby because she would never have time to do it.
> 
> ...


Yeah that's it. The problem is that he is a nice guy, and she is a cheating shedevil.

OP - Were things ever GOOD in this marriage? I can honestly say my husband and I thank each other every single day. Very few things are more important in a relationship than showing gratitude - few things will kill a relationship faster than feeling taken for granted.

As for where things will go from here, from what I observed "breaks" do not work, all they do is prolong the separation process. If a couple can't work out their issues together, if there desire to be together isn't strong enough, if their communication skills are not good enough, if it's not "us" verses the world.... There is little hope.

Working things out separately doesn't work.

So what happened over the past year? What was worked on since your last post? What was the catalyst for her moving out?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She wants to date again, sure — but it ain’t you she’s looking to date.

DNA the kid and file for divorce.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

How old are both of you ?
If she wants to move out on her own
let her support herself. Provide things 
for your child and your child only.
Do not chase her let her come back
on her own. Stop being nice and let 
her know if she wants a family then 
it will be together as a family.

I read your other post and there seems
to be a lot of other issues going on.
You and her should work on those issues
together. There maybe someone else
or she could just be tired and wants 
other things to change. I think you
and her should talk and listen to each
other. She sounds like she might be 
unsure about what she really wants


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have mixed feelings about separations, legal or otherwise because as a young man I had sex with separated women and they are some of the best women to have sex with. Some were out for revenge, others wanted to do things that their husbands would not do and some just wanted to be separated so they could have some fun with other men before going back to their husbands.

This reminds me of an old Friends TV show were the couple separates and the guy gets drunk and has sex with a woman right before his girlfriend decides to go back to him. He says they were on a break so that it was not cheating, she says otherwise but was tempted with a guy in her apartment who wanted her. 

Separation is some times for playing the field and if you cannot find someone better than your spouse, you go back to your spouse. I just do not see the reason for separation. If I separated from my wife of 46 years, is that going to make me love her more since I moved out for a good reason. If it turns out that life is better not living with her, then I will not go back to her. It is just my personal experience that separated spouses usually have sex and/or date others keeping their spouse as their safety net. 

If my wife came back to me I would think that she is settling for me and that leads to cheating some times. I want someone who even when angry will not leave me and work things out at home. I do not want a wife who needs to get away from me to decide if she loves me or not. You either love someone or not. You cannot will love into or out of existence so I am guessing that most who separate end up divorced. Those who do not, probably found it difficult living on their own, so they went back to the person they left.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

A client had this happen. She wanted out, but really did not have anything other than her personal confusion to base her desires on. She quickly discovered that married and together was way better. She, asked to come back, BUT! My client said to her that the separation was working well FOR HIM. He told her that he had not had a moment’s peace leading up to the separation, and he was enjoying his life without her. He told her that he would have to take his time to think about whether he even wanted her. She never considered this circumstance. It shocked her. It sent her into counselling. He kept her at arms length and let her suffer for her stupidity. Neither of them dated, or anything of that nature. She lost out on everything he would do. She never saw through her own selfishness. He gave her an in a few months later, and she grabbed with both Hands. She never expected that he could do what he felt he had to, and as he put it, he was willing to blow up all up to save it.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> She wants to date again, sure — but it ain’t you she’s looking to date.
> 
> DNA the kid and file for divorce.


 @GusPolinski I am a busy guy just wake me up when we get to the part that the child is not his and she has been involved with at least 2 OM for the entire M.

BTW I think you are dead on

55


----------



## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Don’t support her and her affair, if she wants out, follow the great advice given here ie lawyer up, protect your finances. It never fails to amaze me that some people bring a child into this world, then cheat. Make sure your child is given the utmost protection while his mother lives out her fantasy.


----------



## Izzdan (Jul 27, 2017)

She told me the reason she moved out was because "I didn't compliment her when she was pregnant" and that we bickered a lot mostly over jealousy issues. She developed this new "guy friend" at work. She's know him for 7 months now and he always got more time than I did. I could understand if maybe this was a long time guy friend but he wasn't. I told her I switched to morning so we could spend more time with each other and since we both had driving job she could call to talk to me instead of this other guy but she still chose to talk to this guy. Nothing was going on with this guy still isn't to this day, it's just she chose "new guy" friend over me so I would bring him up a lot and it caused us to argue. She didn't get the fact that I didn't think she was cheating on me with this guy it's just that you are devoting your free time to him and not me. It made me feel like less of a priority in the marriage. I have never put another girl ahead of her nor would I ever. I told her I was sorry for not complimenting you while you were pregnant. But I was there for her everyday, cooking cleaning never missed an appointment while she was pregnant. Still wasn't enough. Then I started complimenting her after the pregnancy not just because she wasn't pregnant anymore but because I was working on myself and trying to be a better person guess it was just odd timing. I did everything for her, throughout the nearly 4 years of marriage I cooked, cleaned ..sometimes I didn't clean as much went through a phase where I just didn't feel like cleaning for a few months like I use to and that bothered her too. I just don't feel like anything was so bad in the marriage that we couldn't fix it with outside help. Not like we avoided each other and hated each other, we had great times and did things together. Laugh watch movies, tv shows ..cook together ..go out to eat and have a good time. Go buy popcorn from the movies come back and sit on the couch and veg out watching Netflix. Just didn't seem like that bad of a marriage to just give it up. Doesn't seem worth it to split up the family and have our child go jumping from house to house the next 10+ years. I offered her the option for Counseling several times. We went twice then stopped. Then I wanted to switch to another guy. We had an appt set up and she decided she didn't want to go anymore. Just doesn't make sense to me to give up on your family without trying to fix it first. She said she's been trying to fix it and it hasn't worked, so I told her "you're right we couldn't fix it, so lets try someone who can help us on the outside" and by that time she was gone. Sorry this is all over the place ..just rambling as things come to my head. The good definitely outweighed the bad in my eyes and the bad wasn't as bad as she thinks it was or maybe it was to her. oh by the way i'm 43 and she's 27 yes big age gap not that it matter but I don't look my age at all. Look like early 30's good genes I guess.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> @GusPolinski I am a busy guy just wake me up when we get to the part that the child is not his and she has been involved with at least 2 OM for the entire M.
> 
> BTW I think you are dead on
> 
> 55


 @GusPolinski Never mind don't bother waking me up BUT.......

You better wake IZZY like now

55


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nop. He will not wake up. He's already fallen into the old fool/young woman classical pattern.


----------



## Izzdan (Jul 27, 2017)

Never mind dumb question. LOL You guys are right. Men are dumb sometimes, some of us.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Brother IZZY what do you want to do

I suggest you make a plan Do you want help with that ?

We can help just listen to the advice .....take what works for you and say thanks but no thanks to the rest

First and foremost do what ever it takes to perserve your sanity and dignity.

Consider what's best for your children & finances/security.


We are here to help.

55


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Izzdan said:


> She told me the reason she moved out was because "I didn't compliment her when she was pregnant" and that we bickered a lot mostly over jealousy issues. *She developed this new "guy friend" at work. She's know him for 7 months now and he always got more time than I did. I could understand if maybe this was a long time guy friend but he wasn't. I told her I switched to morning so we could spend more time with each other and since we both had driving job she could call to talk to me instead of this other guy but she still chose to talk to this guy. Nothing was going on with this guy still isn't to this day, it's just she chose "new guy" friend over me so I would bring him up a lot and it caused us to argue. She didn't get the fact that I didn't think she was cheating on me with this guy it's just that you are devoting your free time to him and not me. It made me feel like less of a priority in the marriage*. I have never put another girl ahead of her nor would I ever. I told her I was sorry for not complimenting you while you were pregnant. But I was there for her everyday, cooking cleaning never missed an appointment while she was pregnant. Still wasn't enough. Then I started complimenting her after the pregnancy not just because she wasn't pregnant anymore but because I was working on myself and trying to be a better person guess it was just odd timing. I did everything for her, throughout the nearly 4 years of marriage I cooked, cleaned ..sometimes I didn't clean as much went through a phase where I just didn't feel like cleaning for a few months like I use to and that bothered her too. I just don't feel like anything was so bad in the marriage that we couldn't fix it with outside help. Not like we avoided each other and hated each other, we had great times and did things together. Laugh watch movies, tv shows ..cook together ..go out to eat and have a good time. Go buy popcorn from the movies come back and sit on the couch and veg out watching Netflix. Just didn't seem like that bad of a marriage to just give it up. Doesn't seem worth it to split up the family and have our child go jumping from house to house the next 10+ years. I offered her the option for Counseling several times. We went twice then stopped. Then I wanted to switch to another guy. We had an appt set up and she decided she didn't want to go anymore. Just doesn't make sense to me to give up on your family without trying to fix it first. She said she's been trying to fix it and it hasn't worked, so I told her "you're right we couldn't fix it, so lets try someone who can help us on the outside" and by that time she was gone. Sorry this is all over the place ..just rambling as things come to my head. The good definitely outweighed the bad in my eyes and the bad wasn't as bad as she thinks it was or maybe it was to her. oh by the way i'm 43 and she's 27 yes big age gap not that it matter but I don't look my age at all. Look like early 30's good genes I guess.


Man you are as naive as they come. That's her new boyfriend and you are in a terminal case of denial.


----------



## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> She wants to date again, sure — but it ain’t you she’s looking to date.
> 
> DNA the kid and file for divorce.


Gus is right and this problem can be solved with just two words: 

"Bye honey."


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You turned yourself int the cook, butler and bottle washer. While it seems like women would like that, the fact is it’s the worse thing you could do. You chased her when she should have been chasing you. 

Now you have to act like you’re doing great without her. I doubt it will help since she already has her “friend.”

Get THE MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. It may help
You recover this but if not it will at least show you where you went wrong


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

So the guy she's leaving you for is flaking on her, being wishy washy about leaving his wife, so she's stringing you along as plan B until that gets settled. He's probably stringing her along with "any day now I'm gonna do it, I just have to wait for..." It's a common tale. If he ever does leave, which isn't likely, then he and your wife will move in together. If she realizes she's being played then she'll announce to you, and your heart's delight, that she has decided she loves you, is coming home, and wants to work on your marriage. At least until she finds another plan A. Sorry my friend but I'm a divorce lawyer with decades of this under my belt and have watched this script play out 1000 times.


----------



## JamesStorm (Jul 25, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> I have mixed feelings about separations, legal or otherwise because as a young man I had sex with separated women and they are some of the best women to have sex with. Some were out for revenge, others wanted to do things that their husbands would not do and some just wanted to be separated so they could have some fun with other men before going back to their husbands.
> 
> 
> If my wife came back to me I would think that she is settling for me and that leads to cheating some times. I want someone who even when angry will not leave me and work things out at home. I do not want a wife who needs to get away from me to decide if she loves me or not. You either love someone or not. You cannot will love into or out of existence so I am guessing that most who separate end up divorced. Those who do not, probably found it difficult living on their own, so they went back to the person they left.


Man...this last paragraph is 100% dead on with how I feel......You work it out together...as soon as they need to leave, ADIOS!!!! 100% selfishness........


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)




----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This guy is a doormat with denial written on it.

It is SO SO SO common to see this. The mind is such a powerful thing but is so easily held in the vice of denial. I never understand it but then again..I've never been there.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> If my wife came back to me I would think that she is settling for me and that leads to cheating some times. I want someone who even when angry will not leave me and work things out at home. I do not want a wife who needs to get away from me to decide if she loves me or not. You either love someone or not. You cannot will love into or out of existence so I am guessing that most who separate end up divorced. Those who do not, probably found it difficult living on their own, so they went back to the person they left.


^^THIS. So much this!!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I was with you until the you're 43 and she's 27.

That's huge. You've lived your life and she hasn't.

And the whole "I don't look my age".....yes you do. I hear this a lot, and maybe you look really good, but I promise you don't look like your early 30's.

Knocking up a 24 year old when you were 40 was ridiculous. 

My hb is 19 years older.....i have experience with this. With this age difference anyone could've seen this coming. 

And yes, she is cheating. 

End this charade and find someone your own age.


----------

