# Not worth my tears, yet I can't stop crying



## infinity14 (Sep 28, 2012)

My 5-year relationship started off magically but quickly turned rocky. He was hesitant to date me because he said he wasn't yet over his last long-term relationship but that didn't stop him from taking all my firsts  and he was so sweet and respectful about it all, a real gentleman. The first year of our relationship was rocky because his phone would always buzz with texts from his ex and other former flames but since it was my first serious relationship I assumed that's just how it went and I tried not to be overbearing about it, and listen and offer advice as best I could. A week after I lost my virginity, I heard one of his voicemails from a girl who said he loved him and thanking him for hooking up the day after I gave it up. She came to the house, he insisted she was crazy and convinced me that it was not possible they did the deed and because I couldn't stomach the thought of it being true I stayed. 

For every month of good memories there was always 1 nagging instance- usually a text or phone call...it was always something that annoyed me but never enough to prove he crossed any real line. Eventually the little bothers added up into an overarching issue, so when I threatened to leave he finally got his act together, but I think in my head it was too little too late. I couldn't trust him anymore and felt paranoid and serious all the time...not like me- and because of that our sex life suffered. We were still best friends and even though we weren't getting on like most 25 year olds we were still active. We moved out of state together, traveled the country, made tons of wonderful memories, but I would get so mad at myself for not just getting over the trust issue, and it bothered me to see how it affected him. 

A family issue came about and I had to move back home. I spent a year making sure we were ready for the move, and to make sure I wasn't forcing him to move somewhere he didn't want to go. During that year I spent a ton of money to get us ready, and things really started to improve. About 3 months before our flight he cried and told me he didn't think he could go...that he knew I would be coming back in a year and he would just wait for me. It was the hardest decision to know my family was relying on me, and that my plans couldn't be reversed...and putting my now repaired relationship into a long distance scenario. In the 6 months since the move everything was perfect, calls- texts- I love you's, and even plans to join me. There was 1 month when I didn't get back to him very often because I started 2 new jobs and flew out of the country for a wedding and couldn't text. After that he called to say things weren't working, because of that one month when I didn't call him back...that he was worried why my boss was buying me lunch and coffee everyday...not bothering to notice SHE is a 44-year old mother of 2- he just assumed it was a guy. He felt foolish when he discovered that, and after our fight, he went right back to being the great guy I knew. This happened conveniently at the same time his facebook page was "hacked." One day I noticed a mutual friend tagged his name, but it was where I couldn't click on it, meaning he had an account that blocked me- I looked him up through a different email and there he was, in a relationship with a 20-year old Applebee's worker, and it had been going on for months! 

There were not words for what I felt, this girl had to put forth energy to look me up and block me and had the balls to write on her page "relationship: for 2 people, but some b*tches can't count" All of my friends had deleted me, and added her- he insisted it was the person who hacked his page! I entered his password (which he gave me years ago) and wallah...disgusting messages to her and several other old girlfriends. Once I got in he couldn't deny it anymore, and he cried and insisted all those years lacking intimacy lead him to do this. It hurt so much to only confront him on a telephone...as the weeks went by I started to believe I did push him away and decided to at least stay friends. He told me that he only talked to her, that there was no physicality to the relationship, I tried to accept my faults in things and understand long-distance doesn't work...he broke things off with her on his own and eventually asked if we could start again with clean slates. The idea of having him in my life with my family and a clean slate was so wonderful I decided to keep trying, but the last 2 weeks have been hell. In the morningtime he is the man I fell in love with, but come nighttime he is a total *******. He schedules a time to talk, and then never answers- he woke up one night said he was too tired to talk and then when his brother called 5 minutes into our conversation said he was going to go so he could play xbox...the last time I did get him on the phone and poured my frustrations out he fell asleep. Once again like an idiot I shrugged it off to the time difference and tried to be understanding. I went on twitter yesterday which I haven't used since I set it up 2 years ago...and saw that he recently blocked me, and added her. She posted twice yesterday saying she loved him and what a great boyfriend he was and had pictures of him at our friends wedding. Writing this all down, it's unbelievable what compelled me to stick around...but I cannot function at all. I'm a zombie at work, a stick in the mud around my friends, and the only thing I want to do is text him and ask why? Why would you just not end it before starting with someone else? Why when I found out, would you not just tell the truth when it was so painfully obvious...and why would you cry and beg for me back only to keep up the same lie. I can't for the life of me figure out how a human being who always protected me from all the elements of life could do something so hurtful. I can't figure out where my independence went- I was always a fun person to be around, and I feel like he stole a part of me. How will I ever trust again?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I assume you aren't married to him.

Exposé his cheating to friends and family
Then erase his contact info forever and never respond to him again.

He is a lying rat. Now you've gotten freedom from him and a chance to upgrade.

Her, she's got a lying rat, and he's got an idiot who would date a cheater.

You clearly are way ahead in the game.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

When you feel you cannot stop crying - repeat to yourself, over and over and over "I am strong and I am coping without tears". Mean it and believe it. You honestly can shorten the time you spend in floods of tears. 

Sounds kinda silly but I know it works. Just keep repeating. 

Also find positive things to occupy yourself. Over time you will heal. Take good care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am glad you found us. Unhappy that you needed to seek us out, but as I say, glad you found us.

You are crying because you are the kind of person you are. A loving, kind, warm-hearted person.

Sadly, loving, kind, warm-hearted people sometimes meet up with a dastard. Which is what you did.

Counselling might help. 

And I think that you will find that in a very important way, that you still are a virgin. Really? How can I say that? Because a woman gives her virginity to a man. A real man. Your chap wasn't, in my opinion, a real man. You'll find one, eventually.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> insisted all those years lacking intimacy lead him to do this. It hurt so much to only confront him on a telephone...as the weeks went by I started to believe I did push him away and decided to at least stay friends.


He is NOT your friend.

He is an experienced cheater -- and clearly knows his way around creating a double life, what with the alternate FB universe he had going there. 

I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry you invested five years in such a person. It is a BLESSING that you are not married to him and you can move on. Please, DO NOT ever contact this idiot again.

Now then, I've got 20 years on you kid, so please listen to me. I wish there was someone to shake me by the shoulders when I was your age, so I wouldn't be the older but wiser "Chump Lady" I am today. 

You didn't do ANYTHING to make him cheat. That's on HIM. But you are wrong here in ways that I want you to fix, okay? Really work on these things -- because you deserve a relationship in which you are loved and cherished and that is out there for you -- but first you need to get wise.

1. ALWAYS listen to your gut. ALWAYS. You beat yourself up over and over for "not trusting" him. Know why? Because he wasn't trustworthy. You had evidence of that and you spackled over it. Your gut was screaming at you, and you ignored your gut. Your gut is your FRIEND. Listen to it. 

2. VALUE yourself. Do not ever settle for a man who treats you like this. I'm not just talking about the cheating -- I'm talking about the come here, come here, come here, now GO AWAY games he played. He's a man child. That's not how a good man who is really interested in you behaves. A man that's THERE for you? He is CONSISTENT in his interest. He answers his phone. He pursues you. His ACTIONS match his WORDS. Got that? Integrity is when your ACTIONS match your WORDS. Your BF talked a good game, but he was treating you like an option and failing you. 

3. Work on your codependency. Seriously, read everything you can. Some good articles are over at Welcome to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site|Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)! -- check that out. Another good place to read is about manipulative people at Dr. George K Simon, Author, In Sheep 

There is something broken in you that allows people who sh*t on you to still be your "friend." No -- have deal breakers. You are a person of great value. Healthy relationships are based upon RECIPROCITY. Mutual care and interest and energy. When a person betrays you and disrespects you, CUT THEM OUT. There are many people on this planet who will love you right. Hold out for them. Fill your life with them. Not just boyfriends of the future, but friends, bosses, teachers. Gravitate to the helpers, the kind people, the good friends. Stay away from users and abusers who want to walk all over you and "be friends."

What you're going through now is a BLESSING. It's a painful blessing (so many of them are), but it is a GIFT. Learn from this. Learn about yourself and who you are. And choose better next time. 

It's okay to grieve, you had a lot invested in this person. But he was a bad investment. It's time to take that energy and direct it at new things and new people. (((Hugs)))


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I cannot give you better advice than our dear Chump Lady did.

But you are consumed with the why and I, too, was consumed with the why for so very long that it actually provided him with the time to continue to disregard me and lie to me.

My story is not like yours but it really isn't that different. In the end we both trained men very well on how to treat us poorly while still keeping us. We were not victims, we were volunteers and that makes it all the worse for us.

I want you to know I figured out your "why" as I finally figured out mine. It took me almost thirteen years but I finally got the puzzled solved.

Why? Why? Why? You ready? Because he wanted to. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Now, that is worth crying over. You (and me) made horrible choices. We ignored the obvious. We fooled ourselves. We wanted something so badly that we ignored reality and often recreated it.

They will never change but we can! Do you want to feel like this in six months? A year? Three years? Get off your arse, dry your eyes and MOVE ON. The tears will eventually stop and when your eyes dry you will see that there is much out there to be happy about. You have a healthy and happy future out there. It isn't going to break down your door, you have to open the door for it.


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