# trying to interpret husbands email exchanges



## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Two days after my husband returned from a business trip, I read some email exchanges in his work email. We both work for the same company, different locations. How I could do this is that on our laptop computer at home we are able to connect with our work emails through the business website....the sign in and password are up permanently on this laptop with my husbands sign in and password....although he didn't realize this.

So when I got to the sign in, I have the option of blanking out his sign in and password and putting mine in to retrieve my work emails. I will say that the employer does have access at any time to the employees interactions online. 

Obviously, I went into his in box out of curiosity, and saw some what I thought were different subjects than one would expect to be sending/receiving to a counsellor (which is what he does). 

The subjects were...."Lost in Translation", "Analyse this", "no windows required". So what followed were 4 emails started by my husband asking a woman for feedback on hoping she was doing well and that she was feeling good about things...and hoping she was smiling out her window today. He stated that he hoped she would reply. She responded with many compliments to his thoughtfulness, that she had been smiling since reading his email that he sent on his return trip while on a layover. Also that the moment that they lived represented the movie "Lost in Translation" very well...and that she could have responded quickly by saying "nice to have met you" but thought the sincerity of his email deserved a much more "profound" reply on her part. Lastly she commented that she would be going for a nap at the end of her work day as her "mind and body seems to be missing a whole nights sleep" So that's the jist of the communication. No references specifically to any physical interactions. 

I read these as I said 2 nights after his return, and having been married for 19 yrs, and no extra marital affairs, but have worked through insecurities on my part....have come to a strong place in our relationship. Our kids are all most grown...and we are planning for future times now. My husband is a very kind and caring individual, good looking and has his own insecurities. 

I approached him in a round about way first about these, then he realized I had read them...started out by assuring me he did not have sex with her or anyone while away...nor has he ever. I do believe this. He also stated in our follow up conversations (all of which he has been very patient and willing to talk) that he was not looking for any companionship or misrepresenting himself as such...but met this warm and receptive woman which is attached to a project he is working on. They had an all night conversation in the hotel lobby area and both had things to talk about that felt safe and confindental. She to him in need of counselling advice, he to her about some of his insecurities with work, life at this stage, and past ups and downs of marriage. He was very open with me (that I know of) of the nature of the topics. I didn't ask for exact quotes. 

He maintains that it felt good for him in his profession to be able to confide all of his thoughts to someone to whom he has no connection or concerns about judging him. He say's he felt free with no strings attached. He failed to recognize until we talked on several occasions that the follow up emails were very inviting (I thought) and misleading. He says that in the context of how he presented himself to her, she wouldn't have got the wrong idea, but has felt guilty that he has hurt me when I pointed out that the things he said to her sounded like those that he would say to me.

He recognizes that and isn't and hasn't continued with contact...say's he has let her know that. I asked him to see the follow up emails (he says there were only a couple) after the ones I saw...but he had since deleted them and said we should be able to have our own conversations without the other knowing the content. That I should have faith in him after all this time....and that it's being made to sound like he had an affair when he says it couldn't be farther from that. Says he always knew where we were. When I asked him if he would have told me had I not found them....he wasn't sure he would have so to not have me imagine something that wasn't there.

I too have been very patient, we have had many discussions since on some things that he has been feeling are missing for him in his work, some with us (which I know what I am responsible for) and have had the best and most amazing lift because of all the dialogue. He realizes that he needs to deal with things ahead so as not to put himself in an odd looking situation...as it is difficult to convince someone(me) that it's not anything!

Still can't help but feel hurt...not sure if I should just let myself hurt till I don't need to anymore...Only I have seen the emails in full, but hope I have given the best idea of how they shaped up.

Not sure how to get past the words I saw as they seem to be etched in my brain now, and if it would have helped to see the final emails? I thought so. 

Interested to hear feedback/questions!


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Definitely red flags there my dear. At the very least, sounds like the beginning of an emotional affair. Slippery slope.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

ocean wind said:


> He recognizes that and isn't and hasn't continued with contact...say's he has let her know that. I asked him to see the follow up emails (he says there were only a couple) after the ones I saw...but he had since deleted them and said we should be able to have our own conversations without the other knowing the content. That I should have faith in him after all this time....and that it's being made to sound like he had an affair when he says it couldn't be farther from that. Says he always knew where we were. When I asked him if he would have told me had I not found them....he wasn't sure he would have so to not have me imagine something that wasn't there.
> 
> I too have been very patient, we have had many discussions since on some things that he has been feeling are missing for him in his work, some with us (which I know what I am responsible for) and have had the best and most amazing lift because of all the dialogue. He realizes that he needs to deal with things ahead so as not to put himself in an odd looking situation...as it is difficult to convince someone(me) that it's not anything!
> 
> ...


You are right to feel hurt. This is/was a nascent EA. Hopefully you have nipped it in the bud, but you will have to make sure he understands the gravity of this and ensure that he has broken off all contact. 

The fact that he deleted his emails is a red flag and his plea for privacy is another. No privacy, no contact and full access to all emails and social media is what you need to ask for. He also needs to send her an email telling her that he is breaking off all contact, forever, and he needs to copy you in on that email.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

ocean wind said:


> ...but he had since deleted them and said we should be able to have our own conversations without the other knowing the content.
> 
> Still can't help but feel hurt...not sure if I should just let myself hurt till I don't need to anymore...Only I have seen the emails in full, but hope I have given the best idea of how they shaped up.


Your story reads very much like an EA was started at the least.

There is no privacy in marriage. You are two halves of a whole. You don't keep things private from yourself. 

If he's so understanding he should understand your need to know what was actually said.

You have every right to feel hurt.

You should read Not Just Friends


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I would say, from what you have described, that he is gas-lighting you. 

I would be vigilant now. You didn't have enough solid evidence that anything occurred when you confronted him...nothing that he couldn't bullsh!t his way out of.

He now knows not to use his work email for any extracurricular activity, so be on the lookout for secret email accounts. 

Are there any other signs? Does he passcode his phone? delete text or call logs?

"*He stated that he hoped she would reply*" Not a good sign.

BTW...who talks all night in a hotel lobby when you have actual rooms to retire to?:scratchhead:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

The privacy thing is weird. Tell him how you feel and that you want complete transparency.

One thing I will say in my wife's favor is she came to me, after our DDay, gave me all passwords, explained all male numbers, let's me read any text, even from her female friends, all email correspondence and has NEVER used the privacy excuse. It was funny because I had started reading TAM and that was their suggestion. She did this BEFORE I had every visited TAM.

There are still a few little issues, but privacy isn't one. Before anyone asks she has always had access to my 2 email addresses, bank accounts and our home mail.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, them referring to Lost in Translation is interesting. That was a weird relationship in that movie. Surely an EA, but they parted ways with no sex - they simply had a connection, knew it, and kept it at arm's length.

But in that movie, they separate forever. That's what your H needs to do now. 

Yeah, and tell him that for the time being, you need to be able to see his emails. Offer to do the same. Explain that over time this urge to see what he is talking about will fade, but that your trust is damaged right now, and you need him to do this to get that back.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Thank You all so far for your honest replies....I have been quite unsettled about the aspect of how do I know from here what is going on and what was said when he last emailed her. I'm feeling guilty for pressing him to want to have seen that info...all I have is the original emails. 

I'm relieved you all understood the intent of the emails with my description...I have been wanting to talk to someone and show the emails to get some clarity...but don't want to compromise his confidentiality as he has to interact with so many members of our community. It's really been weighing on me at times

I will give your responses serious thought!::


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OW,

I agree with all above.

He was sharing with another woman the kind of thoughts he should be sharing with you, his wife as long as you've always been non-judgemental about his feelings and thoughts

Deleting email is a huge issue to me. Some of the wording I read in the other emails should also be of concern to you especially the one where "she commented that she would be going for a nap at the end of her work day as her "mind and body seems to be missing a whole nights sleep"

Time to start doing some background checking on him.

Do not ask him again waht's going on. Get the cell phone records and look for a lot of texts/calls to 1 or 2 numbers and see if tey are still in communication


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Her work place and work number are also attached to her replies....hard not to want to contact her and check things out..wouldn't know what I'd say! lol

And no, in the busy life of raising kids and having other family obligations, I haven't always had time that he'd like for him...but he admits he is not neglected...but does need to express his concerns more freely to me so he's not feeling such need to talk so deeply to someone else. Do we all need an ear sometimes? of course....I feel there is just a line and I feel and told him so, that he crossed it. Just wish I didn't have to be the one to tell him so, that bothers me. He should have known better I feel.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He did know better. That's why he never brought the email's up to you, and it most certainly is why he deleted the follow-up emails.

He knew it was wrong, and did it anyways. 

Selfishness.

Remember, he initiated the emails....not her.

If nothing happened physically between them that night, it was probably because she put the wall up. If she had been inviting...then what?

Please be vigilant. Don't let him know it, though.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Trying to reply to "jonnycomelately"...and just new to this so want to make sure you know this reply is for your comment. I have indicated to him the hurt that it has caused, and he feels very bad that he has hurt me. However I do wonder if thru if he's protecting me and therefore this is why he didn't want to show me the final emails. I can't help but wonder if there's something in those that would indicate more depth than he initially told me. It's very tempting to contact her...but at the same time we have moved forward in some very positive directions. He says that it's important to him that I have faith in him and that strengthens him. So contacting her may jeoprodize the progress we've made.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

ocean wind said:


> It's very tempting to contact her...but at the same time we have moved forward in some very positive directions. *He says that it's important to him that I have faith in him and that strengthens him.* So contacting her may jeoprodize the progress we've made.


Well, that's what most cheating husbands would say when they want to bamboozle their wife into thinking nothing happened.

I think you need to press the issue. It's obvious that you can't trust him...that's why you are here. Trust won't just magically happen. He needs to be completely transparent and answer all of your questions. Telling you "Just trust me, honey. Have some faith in me" doesn't cut it. I would even consider a polygraph, because it might be the only thing that will give you peace of mind. The OW will not help you, so contacting her would probably be fruitless. She will take your husband's side and cover for him.

Please define your "positive directions". Are you sure it isn't just positive rugsweeping?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Does he passcode his phone? Does he delete call logs and texts?

Normally when you delete an email, it will not be deleted "forever". It will go into 'trash' or something similar. It will not be gone forever until it is deleted from the trash. So, in order to delete the follow-up emails, he had to double-delete, which implies a conscious effort to keep them from prying eyes.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

Yes, the positive direction is that over the past few months and right after our initial talk, we discussed some issues that he has had that have been troubling him...and he has not been one to open up readily for himself, but is always open for others to share their issues. So, in part him confiding in me that he'd like me to be more available as he needs and wants to have time from me for him to open up as well. So, the positive that's come is more openess from us both, more time being present with each other.

We have raised our family and are still quite involved with that and I've spent alot of my energy at times in that arena! (kids) That said, he and I have always had a good connection physically and emotionally....with some dry periods as it goes over a 22yr period As I have said, I have made sure he gets that this crossed the line...although he feels he was being the supportive, kind ear that he often is....and equally enjoying the encouraging and positive compliments he received during and after the meeting with her. He says' he doesn't feel good that he enjoyed the feedback he got from her to that degree. Says his heart is not with her or anyone else and hasn't been but me. So my work now is can I get past the hurt with time and reassurance? I guess time will tell, but talking about it with someone else besides him sure helps! So thank you. 

I do not want to start tracking his moves ect. to prove anything to myself. That feels like I may as well pack it in if I need to resort to that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't believe he's telling you the truth. My H has always traveled a lot & if this happened with him, I would assume that he met this woman and slept with her. I have not had a marriage marred by infidelity, either.

I think you are in for a very rocky ride here. He is smitten; his ego is stroked; he spent an entire night out of town with another woman and then contacted her while he was on a layover before he got home. He was so excited, he couldn't wait.

I simply wouldn't believe his protestations.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

I don't know if he double deletes...and the work email I think is cleaned out once a month, so if the last emails were thru his work email, then I think they're gone. He says there were none on his personal email, all thru the work one.


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## ocean wind (Jan 16, 2013)

I see where you are coming from, I too have thought that if it was a full on event, then what? I still have to decide the same thing....I'm either working thru it and building it better or not. I am planning to talk to him to re ask for the entire truth so that I can decide based on all the facts. Thanks.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

For me there is a bottom line, which is that he at the very least spent an entire night connecting emotionally with another woman. He could have excused himself at any time and gone to his own room.

Yes, you have to decide what you want and how to deal with ensuring that, if possible, but he has damaged trust in a big way, especially with the follow-up initiated by him and the hiding of e-mails.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

ocean wind said:


> He says that it's important to him that I have faith in him and that strengthens him. So contacting her may jeoprodize the progress we've made.


'Have faith in me' means 'stop asking difficult questions'. His right to your 'faith' is on hold for now until you are convinced that he has been totally honest and open.


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