# At a crossroad... to trial separate or not



## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

I'll try and make this as brief as possible... but I do need some words of advice.

My husband and I met in High School, at the age of 16. We only dated each other, and had ups and downs of thoughts of separating, but never did. Got married at 24. Kids right away, and 4 children later, we have been together for almost 20 years.

When I hit my 30's, I started to change. Something was amiss I felt from our relationship, so I started soul searching, feelings, etc. With the realization that I had changed and my needs in a husband had changed, I decided to keep at it, even though I questioned a lot of things. After all, I loved him dearly, we had 4 kids to show for it, and a strong history of being together.

About a year ago, as I started to feel more positive about our marriage, my Husband hit that same spot as I did... (it took me almost 4 years to work through my conflicting emotions and thoughts). So as I was getting stronger with things, he started to question 'is this it'. It's been a year now he has had thoughts.

I know I lack in things he needs... ie. Passion, intimacy. And he lacks in things I need.. ie. he settles in life, I don't. He's not motivated, I am. etc. So there are differences... as I try to work through them (and I am sure he is trying too), we find ourselves at a crossroad. 

We communicate wonderfully together, so well aware of how each other is feeling. We both feel we missed a part of 'growing up' and 'finding ourselves' because we've been together so long, and question 'are we right for one another'. We've definitely grown apart over the years, and have grown into completely different people, but stay connected .. just not in the way it should be, or at the 'level' it should be. Ie. We raise the kids well, but don't find interest in activities together. SO that 'connection' is amiss. 

He puts a lot of pressure on me to be with him more.. and I work from home, raise the kids, etc. If I don't give him the time he needs, he starts to feel resentful and angry. Thus, I want to spend less time with him. (vicious cycle!) I understand that he wants to spend time with me, but it's a challenge most days. I feel extremely inadequate to him to satisfy his needs, and he told me he feels the same. It's crazy, because we both want the same thing, but can't seem to find it with each other.

I realize that relationships change, and that 20 years together is a lifetime for many, so that 'spark' may change. I do feel like ours is gone though...

Is there hope here from any who have experienced such a relationship together? Have we grown too differently over the years to be ok with one another? Should we have a trial separation?

Kids are young... I realize that shouldn't be a factor, but it is. And meeting each other in high school and having only each other I realize is not the most ideal..

The thoughts of divorce scares me, but I guess it does for most people. I don't want to give up, but feel we both deserve that happiness in life... and it's been a lot of misery lately. Make sense?

Thank you all.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Divorce is not the answer. The grass is only greener around the cesspool. What you two need is a conscientious effort in spending together time no less than 15 hours per week. Young kids is only an excuse. And honestly, you two must have had something in common to date, marry and have kids. Find that thing again. It is not easy. Marriage is a garden...needs water and attention every day. Throwing in the towel and simply walking away is not good for you two, the kids and the family as a whole. You need to make each other the priority in your lives. Everyone says the number on priority is the kids. Not so. Happy parents have happy kids from my experience.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You don't mention if you've ever done counseling, marriage retreat, etc.

I absolutely do not think a separation or divorce is the answer here.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

I would suggest you both look into couple thearpy. 20 yrs is a long time to be together from a young age. I didnt marry until I was 30, and I even thought that was to young ! lol. I would have been married over 30 years. 

Ive been learning a lot about relationships thur my personal growth, and the reality is, we do out grow different people as we grow, and they do us. 

Try picking up a few books, one I really like is called "Uncoupling."
It talks of what we do throughout the years to distance ourselves from our partners without even realizing. 

Maybe others will offer better ideas. 

~sammy


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like a lot of family will get washed away if you do.
I would highly encourage you to seek ways to be closer and to work things out. 

As SecondTime stated...professional help might be just the thing.


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

Thank you for all your feedback. It's all very positive.

I have gone to therapy twice in the last five years - he did not feel he needed too. I wanted to sort out my feelings... so I went at it alone.

I def think I need to put more time in, but part of the problem is that he does rely on me a lot for his entertainment. He doesn't have friends surrounding him... I have him, the kids, activities, work, etc. He hasn't had much motivation to do things for himself. Ive had to push him for years to do so... it's just not in him to get up and go to do something.

I know we both are willing to put the effort in, but scared to fall back into this hole again...


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

Also... I think what initially brought us together.. was meeting in high school. We didn't want to feel heartbreak and thus never broke up. It was honestly my vision of getting married and having kids that took over in our twenties. In high school, we had hormones in common and finishing school... But when I look back, that's what kept us together. Marriage and kids. And we certainly do love each other.. but both not in love with one another as a couple. (and no, no infidelities going on).


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

And as for time spent together... he is fortunate enough to work floes to home, comes home for lunch, and home at 5pm. I work from home so my hours are erratic, but we see a lot of each other. Much more than many people do. We spend a lot of time as a family, and attempt a weekly TV/movie night, and or hanging out chatting, etc. We don't make a plan of it, it just comes. We do spend a lot of time with our family, but both enjoy it tremendously. The kids are young, and we are enjoying it... me more than him I think though


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Lostinlove2 said:


> We communicate wonderfully together, so well aware of how each other is feeling.


This is all I need to hear to believe that this is most certainly a relationship that can be saved.

You've seen the benefit of individual counseling. He hasn't. Most people are skeptical, that's understandable. Trying to force him to go is not the answer. 

However, couples therapy is, I believe. You've both hit a crossroads. You've communicated about it. Both have some ambivalence. Ok. What can 3-4 sessions together hurt? If nothing else, it will help you both make up your minds.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Before separation, ask him to have is T levels checked. He will never have the same outlook about motivation as you do, but if his T levels are low, his motivation level can be affected. A slight increase in motivation and self confidence might be enough for you to start having more desire to spend more time with him.


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> Before separation, ask him to have is T levels checked. He will never have the same outlook about motivation as you do, but if his T levels are low, his motivation level can be affected. A slight increase in motivation and self confidence might be enough for you to start having more desire to spend more time with him.


He went through a depression about work/life a few months back.. I believe he had this checked. He had started applying for jobs to show that he could do it.... (for himself) but alas when asked for interviews, he declined them, and then lied to me about it saying he never heard back from them... (his email is connected to our shared ipad).

I'm not frustrated so much about the turning down great positions. But the lying is heavy...


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

zillard said:


> This is all I need to hear to believe that this is most certainly a relationship that can be saved.
> 
> You've seen the benefit of individual counseling. He hasn't. Most people are skeptical, that's understandable. Trying to force him to go is not the answer.
> 
> However, couples therapy is, I believe. You've both hit a crossroads. You've communicated about it. Both have some ambivalence. Ok. What can 3-4 sessions together hurt? If nothing else, it will help you both make up your minds.


Apparently, we don't communicate as well as I though... see above post :/


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Lostinlove2 said:


> He went through a depression about work/life a few months back.. I believe he had this checked. He had started applying for jobs to show that he could do it.... (for himself) but alas when asked for interviews, he declined them, and then lied to me about it saying he never heard back from them... (his email is connected to our shared ipad).
> 
> I'm not frustrated so much about the turning down great positions. But the lying is heavy...


I agree, that's a big deal. Not divorce big, but big. 

I really think you should try counseling. I'd hate to see an otherwise healthy relationship go down the drain.


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree, that's a big deal. Not divorce big, but big.
> 
> I really think you should try counseling. I'd hate to see an otherwise healthy relationship go down the drain.


Thank you for the words. I don't know how healthy our relationship is really... passion isn't there. Sex isn't there. spark isn't there. The kids says he yells all the time at them... one of my daughter's doesn't want to be near him because of that... I resent him for that. He says he doesn't yell, ad he's trying more to be a better dad. I see that.

( I realize more is coming out as i'm writing, but I guess that's how this goes..)


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Lostinlove2 - Easy fix.
Start giving him blowjobs regularly.
Take pleasure in giving him pleasure.
Its a start.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* As I sadly found out, the term "trial separation" is little more than a moniker greatly indicative of one spouse exorcizing the other spouse from the household, primarily to have their presence diminished so that they may be better able to clandestinely carry on illicit social relations, usually with some unknown third party!

If that is truly not the case, may I heartily suggest MC as an option in trying to salvage this relationship! If infidelity is not present, you have an honest chance of being able to save this union.*


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

After the last few posts, it does sound like LostinLove may be trying to emotionally prepare for this to end. At least at the moment.


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## MartaB (May 19, 2015)

Dear Lost, You are living my life. To a tee. My husband and I met at sixteen, were married at 21, had our first child at 24, and our second at 28. I have set aside college and creating a career in order to raise our children and support his ambitions. I'm mid thirties now and I feel utterly suffocated. I just know how you are feeling right now. Hope you are able to find happiness with whatever decision you make.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

I separated from my hubby because it was the only way I could start to heal myself. You do not have this issue. 

But, we both share a long term marriage. I was married for almost 30 yrs. I married at at 30 and lived a single life where you took a different path. 

My hub, started to question, love, life and the pursuits of happiness at about the age of 56 from what was a pretty good marriage. I am now at the age when most people run off together, enjoy the fruits of their labor, but I am now stuck trying to reinvent myself with maybe 15 of strong healithy years left. 

You are still young, look deeply into yourself. You have a lot of years yet to live, but have lived a life time together too. there is a lot to think about. The separation has grown us apart. Has increased the mistrust. 

There is a video on youtube of a young couple watching themselves grow old through the use of make up. So worth watching. 

Sometimes instead of looking for the bluebird of happiness, we should look at the bluebird of happiness. 

~sammy


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