# *At A Loss Dating A Single Dad*



## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

Hi there!

I'm a 34 year old female and my boyfriend is 39. He has a 5 year old son. We've been dating for almost a year and I moved into his place 2 months ago. This is my first experience dating a single parent.

We're both nurses in the same facility where we first met. I have a long history dating men who treated me poorly, and my bf is the first man who treats me with respect and kindness. He's saint-like in his patience level, and how much he cares about me. It's actually taken some adjustment being with him because I've never been treated so well. Sex is great, we laugh, we play fight. He's perfect. I think a lot of people my age can relate to the fact that if you're in your 30's and you find a good one (very rare) you keep him. Dating isn't easy and I would rather jump off a cliff than do it again, tbh.

Although I couldn't ask for a better guy, he comes with a son and....that's where things get tricky for me. First off, I'm a not a kid person. I'm very nurturing and caring at heart but kids? Eh. I feel like a horrible person even saying that but it's true and I want to be honest. Prior to moving in his son and I hadn't had a lot of time together but the time we did have went really well...and then I moved in and things have fallen apart.

My bf is a great dad and has his son 3 days a week. While he looks forward to the arrival of his son, I dread it. Again, I feel awful admitting that. His son is a pretty good kid in general but if you tell him something he doesn't like he throws a fake crying fit and my bf gives into it. He's also overly attached to his dad and needs to be on the same floor level of him at all times or he gets scared. That makes it tricky when he try to grab a moment to talk. I've tried engaging with his son a little but I don't get much out of him. Mostly he just wants to be with his dad which I understand. I just feel like a third wheel. I don't know where my place is when he's here. Him and his dad spend most of the day playing video games and I just don't know where my place is with that. I almost feel like this isn't my home when his son is here. Like any kid who has a new "step parent" he doesn't want me to take his dad's attention and time. He's becoming manipulative in efforts to claim his dad and my bf doesn't see it.

My bf and I fight frequently now and it's all stemming from the resentment I have over essentially having to share my partner and not enjoying the person I have to share him with. I feel so childish saying that but that's what it is dating a single parent. You don't really have them on the days they have their child and it's awful.

I've tried getting closer with his son but I just don't feel a bond there...at all. I just feel annoyed by his presence and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I just can't get out of my own head about it.

Then I think of his son and how he feels. The last thing I want is for his son to feel my resentment or to feel that I don't like him. I would never want a kid to feel that way. I grew up feeling resented and scared and I would never want another kid to feel that way. It's just becoming visible how much I resent this and I can't help it at this point.

My relationship with my bf is being broken down by all this and I'm desperate for some kind of advice on how to be okay with this. I'm a little dysfunctional in relationships and I try to seek out a reason to be unhappy and I know that's playing a big role in this. My bf knows how I feel and I have an upcoming appointment with a therapist to address these things but I'd really like to hear from all of you. Thank for your thoughts!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

To be blunt and honest with you...what are you doing with a guy that has a son when you you are a person that is not one bit inclined to care for children?? BIG mistake on your part. To put it mildly you are not compatible. You should had realized that before moving in. Do you think that this child doesn't get your vibes?? he does, children as a form of self defense have this radar where they can subconsciously tell. He can see/feel through your forced approaches.

Your relationship is relatively new with this guy, and already the problems started. You don't want what he wants or needs. You just want him and you, well it's not going to happen. Eventually this issue will split you apart or not if you genuinely, suddenly from the bottom of your hart you want to be in this child life, otherwise, most likely the relationship will be doomed when your boyfriend realizes that you don't care for his child, that is unless, he loses his balls for a woman.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> To be blunt and honest with you...what are you doing with a guy that has a son when you you are a person that is not one bit inclined to care for children?? BIG mistake on your part. To put it mildly you are not compatible. You should had realized that before moving in. Do you think that this child doesn't get your vibes?? he does, children as a form of self defense have this radar where they can subconsciously tell. He can see/feel through your forced approaches.
> 
> Your relationship is relatively new with this guy, and already the problems started. You don't want what he wants or needs. You just want him and you, well it's not going to happen. Eventually this issue will split you apart or not if you genuinely, suddenly from the bottom of your hart you want to be in this child life, otherwise, most likely the relationship will be doomed when your boyfriend realizes that you don't care for his child, that is unless, he loses his balls for a woman.


I never said I didn't want to care for his son or that I don't want him in my life... I get him his snacks, I help him with things. I actually really like caring for other people hence why I'm a nurse.

I just don't know where to start with this. I feel out of place. I'm trying to adjust. To go from dating guys with no kids to living and dating a single dad is a big adjustment 

Am I really just supposed to fall into the place of a loving stepmom right away?

From the reading I've done on this, a lot of people don't. It's a learned skill and it takes time to adjust to and bond with the kid.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Of course, it can be a learned thing, when you're in with your hart. but right now, the way you originally explained it, there's no way that this kid is not sensing your hesitations toward him. You will have to from you hart convince him that you care for him, then everything else will fall in place by default. Synergism, Yin and Yang, equilibrium. Those are the terms that determine wellbeing in a symbiotic relationship. But you most be all in for that to happen, otherwise resentments will start to creep in.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

From what you write its very hard to see how this will work. You resent a little child because he wants his dad to be his dad. He is already suffering from being from a broken home. 
This child will be around for a very long time, and you may just not be the maternal sort. If you want a man all for yourself then a man with a child isnt for you. His child comes first.
Also a bit concerned when you said that they play video games all day, a 5 year old needs to be out doing things, not stuck at home staring at a screen all day, but thats just an aside.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

@Rob_1 I love that! Thank you. Makes a lot of sense to me. And I've thought of that, if I stopped being resistant to it and instead put my heart into it the outcome would be much happier for everyone

I guess I just feel like I'm losing something if I do that. I guess it's one thing to give up your freedoms and ego centric life for your own child but it's another to do it for a child who isn't yours. I just won't let my self take that jump but I know I need to.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

@Diana7 Yes, yes I totally agree with you. 

I've encouraged both of them to come outside with me or go to the park. His son seems to be fearful of many things and somewhat anxious (I was too when I was a kid) so I don't think keeping him in front of a TV screen is healthy at all. But, I do have to mind my place in what I say and don't say

I guess it's just strange and off putting to be in a relationship with someone where you're always coming in second. I wouldn't change that because kids are #1 but it's just a difficult thing for me. I've talked to my bf about that and he says it's a different kind of love between us of course but doesn't change the fact I'll never come first. Again, I wouldn't change that...I just don't like it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@nursekat: you just wait until you have one of your own, if you ever do. It will change the whole universe in perspective for you. Guarantee.

I was on your shoes for a whole lot of my years before my 40s. The one thing I knew was that I was not going to get involved with a woman that have children, because I was not interested in children. So, I was smart in that sense. Never married a woman with children, but them I married my present wife and lot and behold, at 44 I was a parent for the first time, LOL. 
It change everything for me. I never knew that I could feel love like that. It was so out this world for me that in the end I had to beg my wife for us to have a second child (LOL), because i did feel that my child shouldn't be alone. My wife agreed, we had one more child and the rest is history.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just don't think you should have moved in together. I don't have a whole lot else to say about it except that you're entitled to your feelings. As long as you're being a good toward the child then don't worry about how you really feel inside and feel guilty about it. 

I don't think it's fair that he and the son just play video games the whole time you're there or the whole time, period. That doesn't seem like a very balanced way to spend your time with your kid. I mean sure it's fine some, but shouldn't they be outside doing something or going to the zoo? 

It seems to me like he's just making the whole thing worse by excluding you doing these things. Of course it doesn't help that he is unwilling to train his son to spend time in another room away from him when he needs some privacy. But the boy is still young. 

Maybe things will get better when schools are all opened up and he goes to school.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

@Rob_1 I'm so happy that happened to you!  I really hope I have kids of my own one day. I don't think I would be complete without that happening. I can imagine the love a parent has for their own child is a mind blowing thing, heart bursting thing.

I guess it's just different when it's not your kid. I've done a lot of reading on how step parents feel towards their step child vs. how biological parents feel towards their own child and the differences are vast. I know my bf has the ability to overlook annoying things his son does and I can't...that's a big difference there. 

😢At the end of the day I just think it would be such a waste to lose out on such an incredible man just because I'm hung up on him having a kid. I think I need to grow up in that sense. I would be missing out. When we first started dating we broke up twice because I wasn't on board with him having a kid and for the first time in my life, I could not get over someone. I was heart broken. I don't want to miss him again.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

WOW! As a single dad that hooked up with a single mom and her demon daughter, I would tell this dude to RUN! You won't, you will make a big mess of this. You don't like kids yet hooked up with a single dad because, well we know why. 

This is the exact reason I will never tell women I am a dad, and I leave before it ever comes up..... Kids complicate things, and it is SEVERELY compounded when you don't even like kids!!!! You want dad all to yourself..... 

It sounds like a nightmare I have already lived! I could shoot holes the size of Texas through this deal, but are you wanting to hear "it will work out" or "run"? Usually people already know what they want to hear. The father is not even being a good father, probably because he is preoccupied with a woman. He is not doing what he should, and the kid may just end up an entitled brat if he doesn't step up. Having an uninterested stepmom sounds like a treat.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> WOW! As a single dad that hooked with with a single mom with a demon daughter, I would tell this dude to RUN! You won't you will make a big mess of this, but you don't like kids yet hooked up with a single dad because, well we know why.
> 
> This is the exact reason I will not tell women I am a dad, and I leave before it ever comes up..... Kids complicate things, and it is SEVERELY compounded when you don't even like kids!!!! You want dad all to yourself.....
> 
> It sounds like a nightmare I have already lived! I could shoot holes the size of Texas through this deal, but are you wanting to hear "it will work out" or "run"? Usually people already know what they want to hear. The father is not even being a good father, probably because he is preoccupied with a woman. He is not doing what he should, and the kid may just end up an entitled brat if he doesn't step up. Having an uninterested stepmom sounds like a treat.



Maybe not, "run" or "it will work out". But something reasonably moderate. 

I know this might not work and I know it might if I can learn to accept this. I'm not naive here. I know this is a risky thing and there's a lot of odds stacked against us

I'm just not willing to let the most perfect partner go just because he has a kid. My bf even went as far as to tell me I don't need to be enthused or love the situation...all I need to do is accept it...

THAT is all I need to do


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And if you have a child with him? There will be a huge and obvious difference in just “accepting” his son and being over the moon about your own child.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I just don't think you should have moved in together. I don't have a whole lot else to say about it except that you're entitled to your feelings. As long as you're being a good toward the child then don't worry about how you really feel inside and feel guilty about it.
> 
> I don't think it's fair that he and the son just play video games the whole time you're there or the whole time, period. That doesn't seem like a very balanced way to spend your time with your kid. I mean sure it's fine some, but shouldn't they be outside doing something or going to the zoo?
> 
> ...


Thanks for this! I appreciate it

I'm not sure moving in was a good idea either but how would I have known what it would be like if I didn't move in. Another thing that's stressful about this is I don't like where I live now. I left my cute little house in the country to live in a not so nice apartment. It sucks but it's temporary until we move.

But yeah, I mean how am I supposed to bond with his son when they're just on video games all day. It feels like a very exclusive activity that doesn't involve me. Like you said, if they did it sometimes it would be fine but it's almost an all day thing. I'll talk to my bf about that tonight. 

I also thing his son can be taught to give us a moment and let us talk but my bf claims a child's short term memory isn't very long so after about 5 minutes he forgets he needs to give us time and comes to interrupt again....I don't think I buy that but....

When I was growing up I knew not to interrupt adults but not every kid is taught that or can do it I guess

I think my bf feels guilty about the break up with his son's mom so he overcompensates


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

No, what you are going to do is screw a dad out of years of his life while you try to "accept" that he has a kid. 

Let me put this in perspective, I used to LOVE kids! My ex had a small daughter. What I never expected was a demon. A year in and I was DONE being slapped and screamed at by a 3yo. Mom didn't help at all, just made it worse because she is a horrible mother. I persevered because "mom and me were great together"..... yeah right, she was horrible to my kids, but I ended up bonding to her daughter like my own. Then she found a new di*& without kids and I was history. Where I screwed up was not leaving and FAST!!!! I would encourage your guy to get away from you. You don't even like kids right now, but you will "warm up to it" to keep the dad. 

How many Disney movies are there about horrible step parents? Kids can sense less authentic people. 

But there again, I will just pitch what you want....."just hang in there and give it a couple more years, it will get better"


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Openminded said:


> And if you have a child with him? There will be a huge and obvious difference in just “accepting” his son and being over the moon about your own child.


This exactly!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

im Not a kid person either. I went on a couple dates here and there and hooked up with a few single mothers as FWBs, but never considered an ongoing relationship with one. That was simply a deal-breaker ‘no’ for me. 

I think you should consider adopting that dating strategy as well. 

There are decent guys that don’t have kids and a lot of men in the upper 30s and 40s that have teens that can be fairly self-sufficient and will be out of the house in a few years. 

With this kid, you will be a defacto mom 1/2 the time and he will be in the house at least another 13 years. 

This will be a black cloud that will overshadow all aspects of your life. 

A lot of women have this fantasy that the men will simply write out checks but will otherwise walk away from their previous children once she enters the house or especially once they have kids together. 

Any father worth his weight in dog poop won’t do that however and will be involved in his kid’s life until he dies.

And let’s not forge the bio mom. She will also be a part of your life and a part of your reality until death or until your relationship ends. 

No matter how good of a step mom you are, the bio mom will always judge you harshly, will never accept you fully as a caregiver of the child and will always try to disparage you and undermine your relationship with the boy no matter how subtle or how much she tries to deny it. 

And you also have to consider how you will view and treat the boy if and when you have a child of your own. 

You see him as a hinderance and a thorn in your side now. How will you feel about him when you have your own child to take care of?? 

This is a no-wIn scenario. The best you will achieve is a level of tolerance and acceptance. You will never be fully embracing and harmonious with the situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What should you have done? Get to know his son a lot better before you moved in. From his perspective, he now has someone he doesn’t know well living in “his” space. Yes, he resents you. Why wouldn’t he? Those relationships can take years to sort — assuming they ever are.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The “evil stepmother” genre of nursery rhymes and childhood stories all came from somewhere.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Yes, he resents you. Why wouldn’t he? Those relationships can take years to sort — assuming they ever are.


One of my best friends and his sisters parents split when he was 9 years old and their father moved in his AP as soon as mom and the kids moved out. 

That was over 45 years ago and the dad and stepmom are still together.

The kids are all in their 50s now. 

They accept that she is a part of that side of the family and they are even somewhat civil to her and she to them. 

But for many many years as children they were deeply resentful towards her and truly did not like or accept her. 

As adults they learned to tolerate her and accept that she wasn’t going away and learned to treat her with basic common courtesy and politeness. 

But actual love and embracing of their marriage and her place in the father’s home and in their lives as a stepmother??? Nope never. 

Common courtesy, manners and politeness and acceptance that she wasn’t going away is the best it ever got.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Just accept the poor kid and maybe give it time. I’m sure it’s weird for him to have some lady living with his dad. I’m sure the kid feels the same... you’re taking time with his dad away from him. Maybe try to relax and learn to enjoy him- if you plan on hanging around. Kids are more pure human beings and in fact are beautiful.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@nursekat when I met my wife she had full custody of her two year old son. She wasn’t interested in dating me at all and even when I won her over she made it crystal clear that her son came first. 
I had little experience of dealing with kids but I knew that her and him came as a package so I either accepted it or moved on. 
When she finally introduced us he was very wary of me and I decided that I was going to have to find some common ground.
On our first day out I figured something out. The boy was fascinated with McDonalds, he had only been in there a couple of times but he loved the place lol. Every Sunday from there on we went for a happy meal and after a while it became “ a boys thing” where my girlfriend allowed me to bring him on his own. Eventually we became friends and now he’s my son.
You need to start small, find something that both of you can do together and hopefully he will start to trust you and not see you as a threat to him and his Dad.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

If you aren't a kid person this is going to be very difficult for you to navigate. As someone else said it can take years to form a relationship with a step child and even so, he could still end up rejecting you. I knew my step mom didn't care about me. I was an inconvenience to her and this became especially apparent when she moved in with him. 
Right now your relationship may seem happy but this will definitely become an issue for you in the future and if he is as close to his son as you indicate he may not choose you. You need to learn how to accept his relationship with his son and become an appropriate part of that or walk away from this relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nursekat said:


> @Rob_1 I love that! Thank you. Makes a lot of sense to me. And I've thought of that, if I stopped being resistant to it and instead put my heart into it the outcome would be much happier for everyone
> 
> I guess I just feel like I'm losing something if I do that. I guess it's one thing to give up your freedoms and ego centric life for your own child but it's another to do it for a child who isn't yours. I just won't let my self take that jump but I know I need to.


If you are going to be with this man for a long time, perhaps the rest of your life, then in many ways this child will become your child in many ways if you allow the relationship to develop.

My son is adopted. So he's not technically my child. I also have two stepchildren who I raised from ages 9 & 11. All 3 of my children are in their early 30's now. Loving a child has nothing to do with being the biological parent of the child. There are, sadly, plenty of biological parents who don't love their children and/or who do not have the capacity to love. Loving a child is a choice.

That said, the relationship between a stepparent and their stepchild(ren) is not automatic. It takes time to develop and nurture. It's be only 2 months that all of you are living together. I've read that it takes about 5 years for a blended family to really click. So give it time.

If you are not willing to work on blending into this family, then you are better off just ending things now. But if you do not want build be part of this family, then there are things you can do. It's a learning process. There are some good books on amazon.com that give advice about how to stepparent and blend a family. I highly suggest you and your boyfriend read the books. You both need to be on the same page. You also might consider getting some counseling to help you deal with your this since you seem overwhelmed (as are most stepparents at first).

One very important thing at this point is that you should not be telling the boy what to do. You should not be disciplining him. His father needs to do all of that until you and the boy have developed a good relationship.

Remember that this little boy has lived through his family breaking up. He misses his father terribly when not with him. And when he's with his father, he misses his mother. And now he has to deal with a stepparent whom he did not choose. It's a complication for the little guy. Have some compassion for him.

You say that the boy and his father play video games all day long. One thing you might be able to do to start the bonding/blending process is to suggest things that the three of you can do together. It could be to go to the park; a museum that has things for children; go swimming; go on bike rides, go to a playground; etc. Get that kid out in the sunshine and out of the house... with you and his father.

Also, does the boy have any same-age friends? When my son was younger, I found that having his friends come over to play wonderful. That way the kids play with each other and you and his dad can hang out and keep an eye on the boy.

And again, if you are not up to all that, it's ok. Not everyone wants to deal with children, especially not someone else's children. But if you are not, it's best for the two of you to just part on good terms.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The problem is that you shouldn't have moved in after 10 months, and that's mainly on him as the bio parent. It was way too soon

What should've happened if this guy was actually prioritizing his son is that he should've waited until you guys were reasonably serious and then introduced you two, then planned activities to help you spend time together. My kids didn't even meet my bf for 10 months and they were 18 and 16 at the time, and it's been almost 2 years and he still doesn't live here. He does stay over a few nights a week bit doesn't live here.

I think you should move out and see him when he doesn't have his son. If you're still together in a couple of years you can start thinking about blending together. The reason you don't know what your place is is because you don't hace a place. This guy has made ZERO effort to integrate you into his son's life and that is his role here. 

You're wasting your time with counseling to "be ok" with this. If you're going to get counseling it should be both of you to learn how to integrate you into his life. If you guys did that you might have a chance. Integration is a process and the bio parent should be leading it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nursekat He is not overly attached to his father.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Stop and think about the child's world. He is being shuffled back and forth. He has 3 days with his dad. The other days of the week your BF is all yours. Seems like a better deal on your end. You don't want to feel like a third wheel? Join in the video gaming and other activities they both do during these 3 days. You will need to come to child first before the child comes to you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nursekat said:


> Thanks for this! I appreciate it
> 
> I'm not sure moving in was a good idea either but how would I have known what it would be like if I didn't move in. Another thing that's stressful about this is I don't like where I live now. I left my cute little house in the country to live in a not so nice apartment. It sucks but it's temporary until we move.
> 
> ...


if you don't teach kids some manners by the time they're seven while you can still control them, you'll have a much harder time later. Certainly when they're toddlers it's just a matter of training and retraining because they don't retain, but by the time they're five they're good to go to kindergarten or first grade and learn things. It's lazy parenting. I think it's pretty obvious this father is just a big kid himself. My generation definitely taught kids not to interrupt adults and follow their lead, but these days it seems to me like the kids run the household. Unfortunately kids don't have a brain developed enough to be given those kinds of options.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've seen a lot of people on forums complaining that their stepchildren had a terrible influence over their children that the couple had together. I mean if you've got one kid who's disrespectful and resentful and then you have children, they're going to be influenced by that. This guy doesn't sound like a good dad anyway. He's just playing with the kid.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Don't beat yourself up for not being a kid person. It seems like you're trying to adjust and that is essential. This will probably be a learning process, and maybe one you don't want to take on. I think a therapist will help you make that decision, and how to do it if you take it on.

As others have said, try to see it from his son's point of view, and if he's being irrational remember he's a kid. That doesn't mean you give him his way on everything, just have perspective. The fake crying fit seems like he's figured out how to manipulate his Dad, but this isn't something you fix in the kid but in the Dad. Dad needs to be firm, explain why he has to do his homework or whatever, and reassure him he loves him and will be there. At some point if things are going well, maybe father-son time doesn't have to be all video games, the 3 of you can do some fun stuff together. But don't rush this.

Make some small gestures to the son that show you care about him, but don't be surprised if at first he continues to see you as the enemy. Go slow, take the long view, be the adult.

This isn't a small thing, I'm glad you're going to counselling. You've identified past relationship issues, consider individual counselling for them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The boy is five, soon he will be six, and will be a little better.

When he reaches 9, he 'likely' will be a lot easier to deal with.

When boys near puberty, he will have other things on their mind and will not need Dad and you....much.
Except for needing food and a taxi driver.

Think of this time as an adjustment period.

Soon, he will be acclimatized to you, and you to him.

The length of this adjustment period will be, maybe a year or two more, no more than 13 years.
At eighteen, he will be off to college, or somewhere.

I would not let go of this man over his child being in his (your) life.
Once, the boy is gone, this 'catch' of a guy will be all yours.

Eh, mostly yours, children will always be in your life.

Yes, you can dump this boyfriend and try your luck again.
I would not.

Every man has issues that counter yours, some men have onerous baggage.



_Lilith-_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nursekat If you are not a kid person, why date a man with a child? Isn't it like someone who isn't a dog person getting a dog? 

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me.

Years ago when I was single I had the opportunity to date a really sexy girl. We got on together well, but I didn't pursue a relationship because she had a child and I just did not like her child. I don't know why as I'm generally OK with children, but I did not like her child.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I haven’t read all the responses so forgive me if I repeat something. 

I think your post came across very honest and smart. 

As for the kid... it’s hard for a women to bond with a 5 year old boy, that’s a tough age. Hang in there, time will make it better. 

I also think that some of your resentment is being mis placed to the child, instead of your boyfriend. He shouldn’t be playing video games all the time. Your boyfriend should incorporate some time with the 3 of you. Of course, a childless person can’t give advice to someone with a child. So you have to be be very careful on how you navigate this. Maybe try getting him to read some parenting books with you. 

Another thing is... he sees his son 3x a week, which is hardly enough for a parent. Let him have his time with him. It’s a good time to schedule some girlfriend time, workout time, or self care time when he is there.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Some people are being hard on you here, just ignore them. Your being honest. It’s no ones dream to date someone that has a kid from someone else. 
But as you know, it’s a package deal and you have to make the best of it. I honestly think your bf is not helping you bond with him. It’s not the kids fault. 
Relationships take time and effort to develop. All relationships. And if your not allowed to spend time with him, and do fun things together, the relationship will always be awkward and forced.

Also it’s hard when you disagree with your bf parenting. Yes, kids should learn not to interrupt. Kids should not be playing video games all the time. They should have chores and responsibilities. They should be having outdoor time, and activity time. Screen time is the last thing a kid needs. The problem is, your bf is not going to be happy when you tell him this (even if you are right).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> @nursekat If you are not a kid person, why date a man with a child? Isn't it like someone who isn't a dog person getting a dog?
> 
> I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me.
> 
> Years ago when I was single I had the opportunity to date a really sexy girl. We got on together well, but I didn't pursue a relationship because she had a child and I just did not like her child. I don't know why as I'm generally OK with children, but I did not like her child.


I don't know, I was never a kid person. Then I had my own and I bonded really well with them.....they are both very close to me.

But I think even before them I could've bonded with someone's kids, but i would've needed the father to facilitate that relationship because i wouldn't have known where to start. It's the bio parent's responsibility to help that relationship because they have the political capital to pull it off. My boys father had a 5 year old when I met him and i never bonded with him precisely because I had no idea where to start and he basically isolated me from everything when his son was around then got pissed off when I was uninterested.

This guy has made ZERO effort. He moved a gf in but does nothing to help her become part of his son's life. IME too many men assume women just naturally bond with kids and don't make any effort.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So I am a kid person. Which puts me at odds with a lot of what you are hearing. It may have started with our irish twins. Every week day when I got home from work I had 2 toddlers and a book in my lap for an hour. The girls wouldn't allow me to take them one at a time. They wanted their dad time. I see a bit of the same thing in your relationship. You are competing for the man's attention. My advice on that is that you grow up and stop acting like the child. 
Next you keep saying "I'll always be seconds place". Well that's not true. You are in this for 5-7 years. From my point of view it's a blink. After my youngest got independent, I started volunteering with 8 year olds. The years from 7 to 10 are the greatest time to be with kids. They are capable of taking care of their own sanitary needs, they can talk very well, they are full of questions and soak up knowledge like a sponge. Everything is an adventure to them.
I will offer up one caution. And it is also in the advice you are getting so far. Divorced parents and parents of only children tend to over-indulge them. To much video game time, Games that are not appropriate for their age, never questioning their demands and especially their violent tendencies. I recommend that you go through your Man's video game collection and have a chat with him alone about what he is sharing. I also recommend that you give this kid a present. I suggest a stick. Something he can carry easily and poke things with. A stick is a great way to explore your backyard. Maybe your experience suggests something else? Also Read to him. Studies show that it is the most important thing that a parent can do in terms of ensuring their future success. Find out what he likes and get a book you can read to him. 
You want children of your own. The best way to prepare yourself for that happy day is to become a kid person for this kid.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nursekat said:


> My bf and I fight frequently now and it's all stemming from the resentment I have over essentially having to share my partner and not enjoying the person I have to share him with. I feel so childish saying that but that's what it is dating a single parent. You don't really have them on the days they have their child and it's awful.


You're being honest here, so I'll be honest too. This relationship isn't going to end well. I'll tell you what I see happening: You'll continue to live with him. You'll keep trying to like this child and convince yourself you can adapt. But the resentment will build. Eventually there will be a big blow-up with you and your bf saying things you'll regret (I mean, c'mon, you're 10 months in and already fighting about this all the time). I hope this scenario doesn't play out, but this sounds like a train wreck in the making.

Sorry.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

1st off, I really appreciate your honesty. I am sure your post was very hard to write. So my hat is tipped to you. 2nd, I am child-free by choice. But I do love children. I just did not want any of my own. 

Years ago, I dated a man for almost a year. He had a 5 year old daughter wherein he shared custody with her mother. Eventually, I met her and we would all have dinner together. She always got her way when it came to eating her dessert after she was told that she had to eat her dinner if she wanted dessert. I had bought Jello pudding cups just for her. She never ate her dinner.That wasn't the only issue, of course. There were lots of things. To put it bluntly, she was a spoiled brat. Her dad felt guilty about the divorce so he catered to her. And her father did not discipline her at all. As a result, I lost all respect for him. He eventually dumped me for a stripper so the problem solved itself. Lol. 

I told you that silly story because I identify with how you feel about your boyfriend not disciplining his child. But unless and until you and he have a serious talk about your role in this child's life (preferably with the mother consulted re: discipline) , you really can't do a thing about it. You either need to swallow it and accept it, or move on. I am married now, and more mature. I have a super lovely 20 year old stepdaughter. She has been in my life for almost 9 years. Never a moment's problem. I won the lotto with that kid. But I always accepted the fact that she will always come 1st in my husband's life. And my actions showed that acceptance. We only had her every other weekend. My husband and I had plenty of time to ourselves when she wasn't with us! 

Do you have it in you to start small? Kids can be funny and engaging humans. Do you like to bake? Every kid loves cookies. Just get some pre fab cookie dough from the store and have him help you slice it and put it on a cookie sheet. Have him set the timer. Get him involved in an activity other than video games. Go to the Dollar Tree with him and have him pick out some water colors and paint brushes and coloring books. Just you and him. Or have him help you make pancakes for breakfast. It doesn't have to be an all day affair. Just an hour.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

lucy999 said:


> 1st off, I really appreciate your honesty. I am sure your post was very hard to write. So my hat is tipped to you. 2nd, I am child-free by choice. But I do love children. I just did not want any of my own.
> 
> Years ago, I dated a man for almost a year. He had a 5 year old daughter wherein he shared custody with her mother. Eventually, I met her and we would all have dinner together. She always got her way when it came to eating her dessert after she was told that she had to eat her dinner if she wanted dessert. I had bought Jello pudding cups just for her. She never ate her dinner.That wasn't the only issue, of course. There were lots of things. To put it bluntly, she was a spoiled brat. Her dad felt guilty about the divorce so he catered to her. And her father did not discipline her at all. As a result, I lost all respect for him. He eventually dumped me for a stripper so the problem solved itself. Lol.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for this!  It's tough to be honest about not really enjoying kids...it seems to strike a nerve with people and it's hard for me to admit I feel this way when I chose to date someone with a child. 

It's a little more difficult with us because we have his son on all of our days off together and all our days off period. He does make a lot of concessions for me and has his mom or his ex take him once every 2 weeks for a date night. He really does try to make me happy and I need to be more appreciative about that. 

I know I'll get judged for this but I tell him son not to do things like not to be rough with my cat, to quiet down if he needs to, to eat his dinner. My bf is fine with it. I'm calm about it, I would never yell at a kid. But I do step in when I need to. I just don't handle the flip outs. Those are reserved for my bf to deal with. Plus I don't want to make his son uncomfortable when he's upset...or at least pretending to be upset

I'm actually planning on baking cookies with the little guy on his next visit which is tomorrow. I had a talk with my bf about how I'd like to be more involved in activities with his son in an effort to try to forge a bond or at least some common ground. I'm willing to take some small steps to see if I can adapt to this.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Some people are being hard on you here, just ignore them. Your being honest. It’s no ones dream to date someone that has a kid from someone else.
> But as you know, it’s a package deal and you have to make the best of it. I honestly think your bf is not helping you bond with him. It’s not the kids fault.
> Relationships take time and effort to develop. All relationships. And if your not allowed to spend time with him, and do fun things together, the relationship will always be awkward and forced.
> 
> Also it’s hard when you disagree with your bf parenting. Yes, kids should learn not to interrupt. Kids should not be playing video games all the time. They should have chores and responsibilities. They should be having outdoor time, and activity time. Screen time is the last thing a kid needs. The problem is, your bf is not going to be happy when you tell him this (even if you are right).


Thanks for the empathy 

I don't know about anyone else but when I was growing up I was taught manners and responsibility such as, don't interrupt adults, if someone cooks for you you eat it and don't complain, what you are served for dinner is your dinner and if you don't like it make yourself something else, clean your room, pick up after yourself, go outside, enough TV, use inside voices when inside, jumping around is reserved for outdoors, say please and thank you... the list goes on 

But it seems with this new generation, at least with my bf's son...almost none of that is taught and because I faced some harsh consequences (which I don't condone) if I didn't comply, it's tough to handle a kid who doesn't face any repercussions and isn't even asked to do these things or taught these things

I love to cook for the people I care about and would love to cook something simple and kid friendly but he honestly doesn't eat anything for a meal besides frozen chicken nuggets, frozen fish sticks and frozen french fries. I did cook once when I first moved in only for him to complain about the food I made which I found to be rude but ok...

I also don't want to insult his parenting and I don't want to overstep my bounds so I don't know what to say and what not to say


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Of course, a childless person can’t give advice to someone with a child.


Not true. Sorry.



nursekat said:


> I know I'll get judged for this but I tell him son not to do things like not to be rough with my cat, to quiet down if he needs to, to eat his dinner.


I caution you on this. At this early stage, you need to leave ALL of the parenting to his dad. Whether he does it or not. Believe me I know how frustrating it is.

Stepmum here, to an only child and two very overly permissive, indulgent parents. When my stepdaughter was younger, her behaviour became so bad that I gave my then boyfriend (we were living together at the time, had been for almost a year) 3 options 1 - I took over all discipline and he backed me 100%, 2 - He took over all parenting and discipline, and I would no longer care for her, which meant he would be responsible for after school care, running around, school drop off etc. while he worked or 3 - I would go and stay with my parents while she was here. Her behaviour was that bad. 

I knew there was something different about her the moment I met her, and after two years of pushing my husband to speak to his ex and get her some help, she was diagnosed ASD. Almost immediately, her mother decided she couldn't handle her and sent her to us full time where she's remained for the last 6 years. Now, some of her behaviours were ASD related, but a lot of them were spoilt brat behaviour, and I simply wouldn't tolerate them, and she knew it. She is as good as gold for me now, there are times where the way she speaks to her father is utterly appalling but I don't intervene anymore because he doesn't do anything about it or enforce any consequences. But she wouldn't dare do it with me. Guess who she comes to when she's upset or worried about something?

Put yourself in this sweet little boys shoes. He's been through the trauma of his family breaking up - trauma that will stay with him for the rest of his life, he's had to adjust to two homes, two sets of rules, only gets limited time with his dad and now he has to share him with you. And he chose none of this, nor does he have any control over any of it. Poor little love, show him some grace. His behaviour is on his parents, not him.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

One question, have you ever told the BF that you do not like kids?


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

I know I'll get judged for this but I tell him son not to do things like not to be rough with my cat, to quiet down if he needs to, to eat his dinner. My bf is fine with it. I'm calm about it, I would never yell at a kid. But I do step in when I need to. I just don't handle the flip outs. Those are reserved for my bf to deal with.
[/QUOTE]
i think you are right with disciplining him in certain situations. I date a guy who has a 12 year old son.im like you not really a fan of him.while i leave most of discipline to his dad I step in sometimes.few years ago I took my bf's son to playpark and noticed him bullying another boy.I reacted straight away as I found it unacceptable behaviour.in some situations I dont intervene.I witnessed my bf's son being really disrespectful to his dad in a way how he spoke to him.while it was happening I didnt say anything though I really wanted to.it was only when we were in bed and his son asleep that I brought it up with my bf how rude his son is to him and why he doesnt discipline him for that.im quite lucky as while my bf's son can speak in really awful tone to his dad(and unfortunately my bf just ignores it)he actually shows more respect to me(though not all the time!)if you stick with this guy I wish you luck, you dont have to love your stepson but i hope you can create some bond


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you don't like how your partner parents, then you wont like how he parents any children that you have.


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## nursekat (Sep 17, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> IF you don't like how your partner parents, then you wont like how he parents any children that you have.


I actually agree with most of his parenting. He's sweet, kind, humorous and gentle with his son. His son feels open to talk to him and enjoy their time together. The only thing I don't agree with is giving in to fits, little outdoor time and the way he feeds his son. His son eats candy daily, eats meals consisting of fish sticks, chicken nuggets and fries. The kid eats so poorly.

I've spoken to my bf that if we are going to have children that we would raise our children differently in some senses and he's fine with that. My bf is a very passive man and goes out of his way to make me happy. I don't mean this in a tyrant point of view but, he pretty much does what I want. I don't demand that at all. That's just how he's built.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

nursekat said:


> I actually agree with most of his parenting. He's sweet, kind, humorous and gentle with his son. His son feels open to talk to him and enjoy their time together. The only thing I don't agree with is giving in to fits, little outdoor time and the way he feeds his son. His son eats candy daily, eats meals consisting of fish sticks, chicken nuggets and fries. The kid eats so poorly.
> 
> I've spoken to my bf that if we are going to have children that we would raise our children differently in some senses and he's fine with that. My bf is a very passive man and goes out of his way to make me happy. I don't mean this in a tyrant point of view but, he pretty much does what I want. I don't demand that at all. That's just how he's built.


So he feeds him rubbish and plays video games with him all day and he is only 5? Sounds like bad parenting to me. He should be playing sports with him, board games, doing puzzles, building things, taking him to the park, reading to him, making sure he eats well and get lots of exercise. He is being a lazy dad. A 5 year old doesnt need to be playing any video games, its not good for him to get him into this habit.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are starting to paint a picture of a man that is pretty beta to me. You better start paying attention to this relationship as it goes forward. Anyone here can tell you that the "beta" thing radiating from a man can look endearing to a woman at first, but in the long run, a lot, not all, but a lot of women lose respect for their beta man as the relationship goes on. I'm no saying that your boyfriend is one, just that all those cuteness you've been mentioning about him, starts to resonate with me in that way. 

Do you have any input, vibes about him, good or bad from the ex? what do you know, not from him, but from others, about him? As describe by you, the treatment of his child by him does not paints a picture of a man that is aware of the damage/disservice he's doing to his child.

Lack of assertiveness, passiveness, deferring authority, non committal on decisions, no wanting to make waves etc., All of these are signs of a beta man. Just in case see if you can could stand for the long run a man like this.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

nursekat said:


> I actually agree with most of his parenting. He's sweet, kind, humorous and gentle with his son. His son feels open to talk to him and enjoy their time together. The only thing I don't agree with is giving in to fits, little outdoor time and the way he feeds his son. His son eats candy daily, eats meals consisting of fish sticks, chicken nuggets and fries. The kid eats so poorly.
> 
> I've spoken to my bf that if we are going to have children that we would raise our children differently in some senses and he's fine with that. My bf is a very passive man and goes out of his way to make me happy. I don't mean this in a tyrant point of view but, he pretty much does what I want. I don't demand that at all. That's just how he's built.


What you described is a "fake dad" to a tee..... I can see right through you. You are holding on because you don't want to date, and you are physically attracted so you will make everything else "work". I actually understand trying to hold on because I knew when my ex and I split, I just could not do it again.......and I haven't. Game over, and reading crap like this affirms why I won't.... If the roles were reversed, ALL the women on here would say how worthless the guy is and the woman's "bio clock is ticking"..... Yeah, I didn't get my years back either. 

Your "perfect mate" is what I call a pacifier parent. He just gives what the kid 'wants' to make him happy. It is the precise reason I no longer see my kids. Mom was the pacifier and I was the real parent. Guess which one kids choose? This is the society we are building today. Just look at all the entitled lefists today that are convinced everyone owes them something. 

You have no idea how easily I see through this, and I am sure you don't appreciate it, but I bring cold truths. You guys are in health care??????? Yet feed nothing but highly processed crap, fried in the cheapest oils on the planet which are certain to cause things like fatty liver, insulin resistance, obesity, poor sleep, etc, etc. But the kids wants it so.......

I am such a jerk parent because I did not buy all the video games or allow them much, and I limited the Wii to 30min when driving down the road.... My common phrase was, "hey boys, did you see that outside the window?" "No, dad, what?" "It's called the real world and you are missing it, put the Wii away and let your eyes do some learning in the real world".


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So he feeds him rubbish and plays video games with him all day and he is only 5? Sounds like bad parenting to me. He should be playing sports with him, board games, doing puzzles, building things, taking him to the park, reading to him, making sure he eats well and get lots of exercise. He is being a lazy dad. A 5 year old doesnt need to be playing any video games, its not good for him to get him into this habit.


That's what a lot of these single parents do - they overcompensate. I saw my brother do that constantly with his daughter, and she became a self-entitled, nasty little monster.

It's one thing to be a 'nice guy' and 'passive,' but it's quite *another* to basically be a welcome mat with no spine who continually gives in to his girlfriend and to his kid. And from what I've read, that describes this guy to a "T."

OP, as long as you're good with NEVER being his first priority and always being the one short-changed when it comes to his kid, have at it. After experiencing this type of hellish situation with an over-compensating father and continual wars between he and his ex, I swore I'd never date a man with dependent kids ever again - and kept that promise to myself. Best thing I ever did.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> reading to him


Yes both of you, yes right away, even the cookie recipe. You are two highly educated people. Reading should be at the top of your list.


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