# Need help with my needy husband



## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

I am clueless as to what I should do and appreciate any outside advice. Here is my situation (apologizing in advance for the length). My husband is very high maintenance and incredibly needy. After a conversation we had this past weekend - he is upset that our life isn't what it use to be before our son was born. In a nutshell - he is jealous that his son gets more attention from me than he does. How is our life now? We have a 2 year old son who was recently diagnosed with autism. I am a work from home mom who spends five days out of my week dealing with four different therapist while trying to complete my hours for work. I designate Saturday as family day so all three of us can do things together and we focus on trying to play catch-up and getting things done around the house on sundays. I can't even find time for myself and yet I have a husband who is complaining that I am not making enough time for him. We agreed on trying to do quality time at least once a month were I would set work aside (getting up early the next day to make up the hours) and just spend time with him. That isn't enough. I spend the weekend mornings in bed with him before our son gets up (still not enough for him). I have no idea what to do. I am spread so thin and he wants more and is not happy. It is getting to the point that I just don't even care anymore. Please help...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

We all make time for what is important to us. My wife is so incredibly busy that even if there were 10 extra hours in each day, she would still not have time for me with all the stuff she has to do.

I would suggest that if your husband has, for example, an hour a day he could free up for "couple time" and you have none, maybe he could do a half hour of your duties each day and you could spend that saved half hour with him in the remainder of his one hour allocation.

That is not the way we do it at our house. My wife is just really not into relationship.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

I have offered to sit and work while he plays video games just so we are in the room together - no good enough. I even put our son in his room during dinner time just so we have that time alone together (even if it is just for 10-15 minutes) - still not good enough. Unfortunately, I am not able to share my duties with him but would love to find a compromising way to not feel pulled in all directions. It just seems that whatever I come up with is not good enough. He wants more time and attention than our son - simply as that (his words not mine).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lisagw411 said:


> My husband is very high maintenance and incredibly needy.


Men like this should not have kids.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lisagw411 said:


> He wants more time and attention than our son - simply as that (his words not mine).


He can want what he wants, but that's really not feasible or even good family policy. A period of 30 to 60 minutes of undivided attention on a daily basis should be sufficient for anyone.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If he wants more time, then you should ask him what he suggests. Simply stating, "I want more time and attention than our son" is vague. Ask him to help you make him happy, and offer some suggestions on how you can split your time so that your sons needs and his needs are being tended to.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Unfortunately I don't have 30 to 60 minutes to give on a daily basis. When I am not taking care of my son I am working - I do still have a full-time job even though it is a work from home position. As soon as my son goes to sleep I go to work. I have asked my husband for suggestions - he doesn't have any. He just wants to complain but doesn't want to help me resolve it. This last time I was so fed up I just told him to figure out what he wants and get back to me - this was his problem not mine since I have tried to come up with suggestions but they are never good enough.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree; he is the one complaining, so he should come up with a solution that you both can agree on.

One other thought--how is your sex life? If he feels satisfied in that area, he may not complain so much about attention the rest of the day.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should not be a full time worker and a full time care provider to a minor child.

You should set up your life so your husband gets what he needs from his wife, you get what you need from your husband, and you both jointly raise your chilren in a warm, loving, and happy environment.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> Unfortunately I don't have 30 to 60 minutes to give on a daily basis. When I am not taking care of my son I am working - I do still have a full-time job even though it is a work from home position. As soon as my son goes to sleep I go to work. I have asked my husband for suggestions - he doesn't have any. He just wants to complain but doesn't want to help me resolve it. This last time I was so fed up I just told him to figure out what he wants and get back to me - this was his problem not mine since I have tried to come up with suggestions but they are never good enough.


Well let me ask this...

Before the child how was he? How much time did you spend together? 

I ask because sometimes we create our own problems. If you doted and catered to his needs without hesitation in the past, he's expecting you to continue that. It's the dynamic that was in place all along and he's resistant to the changes.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

That is a failure as well at the moment. He was complaining that we weren't having sex enough - ok fine. It went from 1-2 a month to once a week (sometimes twice a week depending on how exhausted I was from the weekly schedule). Still not good enough - not happy with that - wants more and it needs to be a bigger deal with more excitement and more foreplay (on his part - apparently he isn't getting enough foreplay). I really wish I was making this up but I am not kidding - this is what caused the last "I'm not happy" discussion this past weekend. He is upset because I am not as excited as he is or want it as much or don't anticipate it as much as he does. To him it is suppose to be the grand culmination of us finally finding time for each other and all our of pent up passion coming out at this one moment. To me...it's just sex. I am not trying to mean when I say this but I sometimes feel like the guy in my marriage.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> That is a failure as well at the moment. He was complaining that we weren't having sex enough - ok fine. It went from 1-2 a month to once a week (sometimes twice a week depending on how exhausted I was from the weekly schedule). Still not good enough - not happy with that - wants more and it needs to be a bigger deal with more excitement and more foreplay (on his part - apparently he isn't getting enough foreplay). I really wish I was making this up but I am not kidding - this is what caused the last "I'm not happy" discussion this past weekend. He is upset because I am not as excited as he is or want it as much or don't anticipate it as much as he does. To him it is suppose to be the grand culmination of us finally finding time for each other and all our of pent up passion coming out at this one moment. To me...it's just sex. I am not trying to mean when I say this but I sometimes feel like the guy in my marriage.


This may be the key to your problem. Many guys feel loved and connected to their wives through their sex lives. Do you show him that you want and desire him?


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

A Bit Much - you are so close to the truth you have no idea. It wasn't catering to his needs but he got most of my attention. When I came home from work we spent time together. We did whatever we wanted on the weekends. He didn't have to share me so there wasn't any competition. We were free to go on weekend vacations and just have a good time. You are absolutely right - when our son came along most of that had to stop because I was taking care of him. When he was diagnosed with autism everything else had to stop because daycare was no longer a possibility for him (long story involving the director of the center...blah blah blah) and my week started to fill out with therapy sessions. 

He said the same thing - he wanted our life before because (as you said) he is resistant to accepting that he isn't the primary focus now.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Lovesherman - I am not going to lie. I show him that I love him but desire him...I am sorry but no. I am tired like you wouldn't believe by the end of my day and the only thing I desire is the opportunity to sleep in without having my child wake up screaming, to enjoy a meal with having my son throw a tantrum in the middle of it, and to have a week where I don't have five different therapist in my house. The last thing I care about (and even want) is sex. I tell him how much I love him, I give him compliments all the time and tell him that I find him attractive, I tell him how gorgeous he is, I flirt with him, and as I said before I muscle up every little ounce of strength I have to have sex once a week. If he wants/needs more than that then I quit.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> A Bit Much - you are so close to the truth you have no idea. It wasn't catering to his needs but he got most of my attention. When I came home from work we spent time together. We did whatever we wanted on the weekends. He didn't have to share me so there wasn't any competition. We were free to go on weekend vacations and just have a good time. You are absolutely right - when our son came along most of that had to stop because I was taking care of him. When he was diagnosed with autism everything else had to stop because daycare was no longer a possibility for him (long story involving the director of the center...blah blah blah) and my week started to fill out with therapy sessions.
> 
> He said the same thing - he wanted our life before because (as you said) he is resistant to accepting that he isn't the primary focus now.


Was it a planned pregnancy?

This isn't an uncommon situation. I know plenty of men who feel pangs of jealousy over how the children get more attention from their wives than they do. They aren't as vocal about it as your husband, but they have resentment. Are they just selfish? Maybe. I guess I understand it to a certain extent. They want their wife back. The fun, have sex whenever wherever girl they married.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> Lovesherman - I am not going to lie. I show him that I love him but desire him...I am sorry but no. I am tired like you wouldn't believe by the end of my day and the only thing I desire is the opportunity to sleep in without having my child wake up screaming, to enjoy a meal with having my son throw a tantrum in the middle of it, and to have a week where I don't have five different therapist in my house. The last thing I care about (and even want) is sex. I tell him how much I love him, I give him compliments all the time and tell him that I find him attractive, I tell him how gorgeous he is, I flirt with him, and as I said before I muscle up every little ounce of strength I have to have sex once a week. If he wants/needs more than that then I quit.


Caregiving is a 24/7 job. He needs to be more help in this area, it's not just YOUR child it's his too. A shared responsibility. If he had more involvement, he may be able to see how much work it really is and that his demands are unreasonable under the circumstances.

Why are you doing it all yourself?


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Yes and No - We had discussed starting a family and were going to start trying...right after a nice relaxing vacation. Our son was our souvenir from our vacation. I understand it too, from an outsider perspective. As the one going through - I have no idea what to do and it is starting to put our marriage into a nose-dive.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> Yes and No - We had discussed starting a family and were going to start trying...right after a nice relaxing vacation. Our son was our souvenir from our vacation. I understand it too, from an outsider perspective. As the one going through - I have no idea what to do and it is starting to put our marriage into a nose-dive.



The answer is finding as many resources as you can in your area to help lift the burden of your son's care. YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL.

Your marriage was a priority before the child, and if you don't continue to make it a priority, it'll fail. You'll really be doing it all by yourself.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

I guess I feel as if I shouldn't have to choose between my marriage and my child - especially when I am trying my hardest to make everyone happy. I shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices because he wants to turn back time and make things the way they use to be. We decided to start a family - meaning we both understood the responsibilities and sacrifices that went along with that decision. What - now that it isn't working out the way he wanted he doesn't want to play anymore and it is my problem/fault?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> I guess I feel as if I shouldn't have to choose between my marriage and my child - especially when I am trying my hardest to make everyone happy. I shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices because he wants to turn back time and make things the way they use to be. We decided to start a family - meaning we both understood the responsibilities and sacrifices that went along with that decision. What - now that it isn't working out the way he wanted he doesn't want to play anymore and it is my problem/fault?


No. It's not anybody's fault. 

And understanding/anticipating the responsibilities and actually having to do the work are two different things. An autistic child has needs beyond the scope of one set of parents. It literally takes a village to raise and care for them, unless they're high functioning. Neither of you were really prepared for this.

I don't fault him for wanting his wife. There's nothing wrong with that. I understand you just feel that there's not enough time nor energy to give anymore than you do. Do you have to choose? In a way, yes you do. If you get the extra help for your child which would free up more of your time for your relationship, it wouldn't be the end of the world. 

Do you want to stay in this marriage? If so, then make it a priority. He needs to help you do this as well, he doesn't get to make demands and leave it all up to you to figure it out. It's time for him to work with you and not against you if he wants to get his needs met.

And you know? this isn't all about him either. You need him as well. Emotionally and physically he needs to fill your cup. It's what keeps you happy and healthy and present and able to do the things you do for your child. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of him. 

Just like they say on the flight, pull down and place the mask over your face first, then assist your family.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

lisagw411 said:


> He wants more time and attention than our son - simply as that (his words not mine).


This tells me he is immature and self centered. How you get past that, I have no idea.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> He said the same thing - he wanted our life before because (as you said) he is resistant to accepting that he isn't the primary focus now.


Major YIKES! You have a special needs child, and your husband is jealous that things aren't like they were pre-baby. Well, I too have to throw in the question: did your husband want a baby?

Your husband strikes me as very needy and very immature. He has a child who needs him too. Yet he is whining about not being the "primary focus."

F*** him. He's the adult. He needs to start acting like one.

From your posts, it sounds like hubs isn't sharing in any of the childcare. I have friends who have a son (now 8) who has Asperger's. It is tough. It requires both parents to make sacrifices.

Life changes radically when children come into a marriage. So, I guess my basic question is still, did your husband want a child too?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> What - now that it isn't working out the way he wanted he doesn't want to play anymore and it is my problem/fault?


Based on this response, one more question. Was he always kinda needy and/or demanding of your time and attention?

No, it is not your fault in any way. The fault lies with the immature man-child you have for a husband.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

The best thing for your son is a happy marriage. Take care of your h's needs and he will be more responsive to yours. In our marriage, I've felt the same way as your h. I've been her lowest priority (kids, work, friends/family, housework, me) - and I noticed. He's at least talking about how he feels and his needs. I just got resentful/angry - long term issues a-plenty! Make him your top priority for a while and see if things change. If not, fasten your seat belt your in for a rough ride.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PooDoo said:


> The best thing for your son is a happy marriage. Take care of your h's needs and he will be more responsive to yours.


Sounds great in theory unless he's a bottomless pit of neediness and then no amount of attention will suffice.

This guy seems to be clueless that his wife is working FULL time AND raising a special needs child. And he has no solutions other than to whine about it. How is that ever helpful?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lisagw411 said:


> I guess I feel as if I shouldn't have to choose between my marriage and my child - especially when I am trying my hardest to make everyone happy. I shouldn't have to make all the sacrifices because he wants to turn back time and make things the way they use to be. We decided to start a family - meaning we both understood the responsibilities and sacrifices that went along with that decision. What - now that it isn't working out the way he wanted he doesn't want to play anymore and it is my problem/fault?


No real choice here. When you choose your marriage, you choose your child. When you don't, you don't. A surprising lot of people these days just don't get that. If you don't have 30 minutes a day or a plan to get 30 minutes a day to spend with your husband in undivided attention then I'm not real sure we have a plan to raise a child into adulthood with two parents living together. My wife followed this one right to the edge of the cliff and she is still standing there looking down trying to decide whether to jump off or come back onto solid ground. But she made the decisions that brought her to this point a long time ago. She just never gave any thought to the consequences


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Sounds great in theory unless he's a bottomless pit of neediness and then no amount of attention will suffice.
> 
> This guy seems to be clueless that his wife is working FULL time AND raising a special needs child. And he has no solutions other than to whine about it. How is that ever helpful?


Hardly a theory - it's true. He may be so needy nothing she does is enough - that would be a problem. But the OP switching some priorities may help. If she is unwilling or unable, then I don't see a good outcome. We're all 'needy' from time to time and a spouse that would try to meet those needs to get us through a tough time we're having would be showing true love - regardless of who's to blame. So, no I'm not going to dump on the OP's h - just yet. Sorry.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

My purpose in this is not to blame, but to help you and him see, maybe, what the disconnect is. 

I think he does not realize what he wants; but it is pretty obvious from a third party perspective. As you mentioned, he wants to feel desired. You may see this as unrealistic but for many men, it is a deep emotional need (yes NEED, not want). With that lacking, everything else is just words that go in one ear and out the other. He lacks belief in the marriage, in your love for him, and in himself. 

I got a similar speech from my wife - she is too busy with kids hanging on her all day, and too tired, to feel that way. But to translate: I am too busy/tired to fulfill your needs. That is BS; I just cannot accept that. What I hear is, I just do not love you that much. Maybe that is what you are communicating to him. Now, I would never ask to come before the children, as I have expressly told her she does not (this meets both our expectations from before the marriage, kids come first). But, living without her being passionate about me has come close to breaking our otherwise perfect life together.

You say he wants more attention - i.e., the attention that he gets is not fulfilling. So, maybe it is not more attention, just different attention. Also, you "muster" the strength to have sex. If sex is not an expression of love and desire, what is the difference between you and a prostitute - giving sex out of obligation. Pity sex is an empty gesture that leads to resentment from both parties.

Maybe you are at a point in your life where cannot handle doing what he needs. You just do not feel desirous. But, how can you know that those feelings will return (did they ever exist?)? How can he know that you will come around and meet his needs one day (if he discovers what they are).

So what I suggest is empathy - from you and from him. Maybe explain to him, if you think what I said is accurate, that you can tell he misses you. Tell him how you hate to disappoint him, but you have nothing in your tank, but it will get better. Ask him to be patient and to not internalize his frustrations. Also, don't internalize your frustrations.

Reading posts on this site, you'll see it is actually pretty male to have an emotional attachment to sex, not just view it as sex. 

Good luck!


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Sounds great in theory unless he's a bottomless pit of neediness and then no amount of attention will suffice.
> 
> This guy seems to be clueless that his wife is working FULL time AND raising a special needs child. And he has no solutions other than to whine about it. How is that ever helpful?


If he is a pit of emotional neediness, then there is no solution, correct. But, I suspect his problem is he does not know what he needs, so keeps looking everywhere for it. She clearly expressed how she has no sexual feelings for him right now. That sounds like something he may be seeking. Also, time together is important.


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Whether the pregnancy was planned is irrelevant--the child is here and has needs, more so than a child without autism. Lisagw411, have you asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned; if he was so stressed out and tired that he couldn't "perform"or give you the attention you want--would he be ok with you resenting him to the same extent? From my experience, most men are selfish when it comes to attention and sex. In my marriage, we went through a similar situation. Now that the kids are grown, he's overly stressed and impotent and can't give me what I need. So the tables can turn--he needs to realize that and grow up a bit. I'm not saying to give up trying to please him but to continue the dialogue. Maybe frame in a way he may get the message easier: at work, does his boss allow him to whine and complain or does he expect workers to present the problem with a possible solution?


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Ok - going to try to respond to most of your very informative post. Here is a response I already submitted about what I do for him: I have tried - I have asked him what he wants from me. His answer is usually "I don't know". This has been an ongoing issue with him. It is never enough - I keep telling him that he comes first and if there is any point in time that he wants to be with his wife just let me know - I will set work aside - he doesn't do it. I have taken him out to dinner, surprised him with small tokens of affection, sent him caring text messages, post sweet comments on facebook, compliment him more than he has ever complimented me, and pretty much make him feel the the king of the freakin' universe but it still isn't enough. See why I am at my wits end? He is jealous of his son - he wants more time than I give our child which is impossible. His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him). I can't turn back time and I wouldn't want too - I have no idea what to do.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Now to respond to everyone else - VostroDH - at work he is required to present a solution to most problems - whether or not it is practical. Mostly if he can just throw out a bunch of crap that sounds good his superiors will accept it (not kidding - he has told me this).


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

SprucHub - he is very emotional, very needy, and every time I have pushed him a corner and asked him what he wants from me he can never give me an answer.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

SprucHub - if he needs a different type of affection that he needs to be specific. Just telling me he wants attention has lead to me running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to give him attention in as many ways as I can. I have empathized - I have told him that most of everything you have said but like a child "he wants what he wants now".


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

PooDoo - I have been willing. I have been willing ever since he posed this argument over a year ago. I have bent over backwards for this man and again it is never enough. You give him an inch and wants a mile - every single time.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby - I will try your idea. I will shift my work schedule and work until 1am instead of midnight just to see if giving him 30 minutes a day will work; however, I am willing to place bets right now that in about 2-3 months - this still won't be enough. Why do I have this attitude - because this has been going on for over a year and I have given him everything he has ever asked for when it comes to making him happy and as of this past weekend - he IS STILL NOT HAPPY!


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Mavash - it's not and as of our last conversation I just threw up my hands and said I was done - "I'm out" - I told him this was his problem and he needed to figure out what he wants and let me know. I am sick and tired of trying and it is never good enough.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

PooDoo - I have constantly reminded my husband that his happiest comes first. I have constantly told him that I will drop whatever I am doing if he needs me BUT he won't do it! He just wants to whine about it. I have told him my door is always open (even when I am working) and still he complains. I have offered everything that I can think of - that is why I am on this forum. I am out of ideas and out of patience.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Prodigal - he wanted a child as much as I did - actually more. He was the one talking about kids - I wanted to wait until we had been married for awhile. Yes, he was always this needy. I remember he was upset that I use to come home from work and just wanted to relax for awhile - he complained that we were more like roommates than a married couple and wanted to be around me all the time. I gave in and I guess now he wants that type of attention again.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lisagw411 said:


> Ok - going to try to respond to most of your very informative post. Here is a response I already submitted about what I do for him: I have tried - I have asked him what he wants from me. His answer is usually "I don't know". This has been an ongoing issue with him. It is never enough - I keep telling him that he comes first and if there is any point in time that he wants to be with his wife just let me know - I will set work aside - he doesn't do it. I have taken him out to dinner, surprised him with small tokens of affection, sent him caring text messages, post sweet comments on facebook, compliment him more than he has ever complimented me, and pretty much make him feel the the king of the freakin' universe but it still isn't enough. See why I am at my wits end? He is jealous of his son - he wants more time than I give our child which is impossible. His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him). I can't turn back time and I wouldn't want too - I have no idea what to do.


I would suggest looking for the His Needs Her Needs questionaire (just Google it). It is a quick survey that you both fill out to figure out what needs are most important. It helps you focus on the primary needs so that you (and him) can avoid wasting effort. For example, if he needs physical touch, while words of affirmation are low on his list, then I see a lot of what you are doing just won't be recieved the way you intend.


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THANK YOU! I will do that - excellent idea. Since he can't seem to tell me what he wants this will point him in the right direction. Thank you Tall Average Guy!


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

Tall Guy, I agree--the book is worth getting too.


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Sorry for some poor assmptions, it sounds like you are treating him well as far as giving him priority. Just a question - sex 1 (or 2) times a week? This may be part of the problem. Early in our marriage it was 4/5 times per week (sometimes 2x per day - oh to be young again!). Guys feel really conencted with their w when they have sex (duty sex not-so-much). Like someone else posted - sex isn't just sex for most married guys - it means much much much more (it's important to understand this). Maybe try up'ing the activity would help. I used to get all crazy when not satisfied in this area. Time - yes it will take time. Giving him some of your awake time for this would mean alot to him I'm sure. Just a thought! The his needs her needs questionaire was a real eye opener for me. Good luck!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I tell my oldest son and our young male relatives to enjoy and extend the time with their wives before kids. I always point out the following:

When you have a child you become your wife's second priority.

When you buy a house you become your wife's third priority.

When you get a dog you become your wifes fourth priority.

Marriage is not for sissy's and make sure you REALLY WANT CHILDREN!


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## lisagw411 (Apr 24, 2012)

Thank you everyone. Used the His Needs Her Needs questionnaires which caused him to focus on his needs and own up to them. Found a reasonable solution to sexual fulfillment (which apparently is the root cause to all of his problems) and he is actually going to try to learn to do as I asked and approach me when he needs quality time instead of making excuses and then whining about it. Thanks again and wish me luck on regaining my sanity.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are trying to be a full time worker, a full time mother, and a full time wife. This is a choice you are making. You are choosing this. You should give up your job, so you can focus on being both a mother to your child and a girlfriend to your husband.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You call your husband needy and say there is no way you can give your husband 30 minutes a day? And your husband is the one being bashed here? I must be missing something. You aren't telling your husband you can't. He is hearing "you won't". It sounds like he wants a partner. Now, if he is not pulling his weight at home, you need to be blunt and tell him that. And sex shouldn't be some kind of currency. Be glad that he's seeking intimacy and quality time with you.

Communication in a marriage requires more than talking at someone. You are both adults and you have a child. You need to negotiate your needs with each other. If you need him to wash dishes or mop or shop, negotiate. 

You both have an opportunity. Neither you nor your husband needs bashing. He's not on the wrong page and you are not on the wrong page. But you both need to negotiate a page you can both be on together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Lisa - I am glad you found a solution. But I think you should re-read my posts and yours. It was clear to me what the problem was and I am not sure that just because you've idenitified it that you are so much closer to resolving it.

I said "it is pretty obvious from a third party perspective. As you mentioned, he wants to feel desired." Your posts indicate strong resentment towards him and lack of desire for him (which may be a byproduct of your schedule/life or may not be). Yes, you love him and want him to be happy, but are your efforts free of resentment? Frequency of sex is an indicator of desire, but not by itself demonstrative.

And regarding effort, do not give up if your first few efforts do not produce the anticipated result. In another thread, I use the analogy of being called ugly. Each instance of rejection or pity sex was like being called ugly. If it happens for long enough, the reassurance that you do not find him ugly may take some time.

Neither of you is at fault. It can be difficult to discern what is lacking that is causing emotional strife. It seems that he did a good job of communicating his dissatisfaction, which led you to uncover the cause. His not secretly harboring his resentment is a good sign of a healthy relationship (although interpreting his neediness as jealousy of your son is immature on his part). Your seeking a solution and trying to your wits end to satisfy his amorphous neediness is a sign of the strong love and commitment that a marriage takes.

My suggestion for you is find what it is inside of you that makes you want him. For him, he needs to understand that rapturous sex is exhausting and although it would be great, it can't happen all the time. He needs to understand that your "not tonight honey" is a rejection of the rigorous activity, not him.

Good luck!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lisagw411 said:


> Thank you everyone. Used the His Needs Her Needs questionnaires which caused him to focus on his needs and own up to them. Found a reasonable solution to sexual fulfillment (which apparently is the root cause to all of his problems) and he is actually going to try to learn to do as I asked and approach me when he needs quality time instead of making excuses and then whining about it. Thanks again and wish me luck on regaining my sanity.


I'm happy to hear this worked for you. Dr Harley, who is the author of the questionnaire, has a lot of good ideas on his web site. The suggestion for undivided attention comes from him and I just shared it with you. I'm not sure if Dr Harley actually says this directly but in my observations, most men will be completely OK if their one top need is being completely met


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## Chalcedonygal (Jul 19, 2016)

OH my goodness. You could be talking about my marriage exactly. 
I am the guy in the relationship.


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