# Am I wrong?



## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Quick input to help you understand the story:
I dated my husband's brother when I was in high school for 1.5 years. Volatile relationship on both parts, I ended it when I graduated high school, I was 18. I stayed friends with his brother, my now husband. We had started dating when I was 22. Been married for almost 4 years now, I am now 26. His brother flipped out when he found out about our relationship even though it had been 4 years since our breakup. He didn't talk to us for almost a year until one day he said he wanted to just act like nothing happened and started seeing us again. Suddenly, about a year after that, he said he couldn't see us anymore cause it was too hard and feelings were still there. I asked my husband to put his foot down and confront his brother about letting it go but his brother refused and got in an argument with my husband, they stopped talking for several months, until recently. 

Now:
My husband went to "talk" with his brother about a month ago. I was under the impression that my husband was going there to make sure that his brother was going to stop with the drama and make peace with the past. Ends up they mostly talked about his brother's problems with his girlfriend at the time. 

His brother then invited himself over to give his condolences for the passing of my grandfather and to hang out with us. And my husband okayed that without even running it by me first. (We still live with my father, my mom got very ill and passed away two years ago). So I told him this, "I don't feel comfortable with your brother coming back into this house, into my life or my family's life until he's let this go. I'm sick of his drama and I don't want to be around it anymore." My husband said, "If you want to say something to him, go right ahead." And so I said, "I really don't feel like it's my responsibility to say something, he's YOUR brother. I also don't think that's a conversation I should be having with him alone. I think you two need to figure it out. I'm more than happy to sit in on the conversation but that's only if you want." If my husband wants to deal with his drama, he can go right ahead and have a relationship with his brother without me. I don't think that's great, but I'm kind of at the point of feeling like I have to protect myself if my husband isn't going to put his foot down. So, am I wrong for saying what I said? How would you handle it? Thank you for your time.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

To be honest, I'm not sure how I'd handle it all. It's just a bit of a strange situation to be in.

I might approach it as, this guy didn't talk to you or your husband for years, that's really his problem and no skin off your nose. Now he's trying to worm his way back in as if nothing happened. Okay, well, it's his brother who should be mostly offended, so who cares what he does. However, you do have your father to consider, so I would set ground rules: if he creates any drama in your home, he can get lost and not come back.

Continuing to hold a grudge about him being a twit just gives him power over you imo. I'd act like I couldn't give a hoot that he wasn't around for years; his loss. Plus, if he started making any noises about 'feelings still being there', I'd say, "FFS dude, it was a sh1t relationship a million f*cking years ago, get over it already."

Edited to add: someone else may word that last bit a little better no doubt, but I have little patience for stupidity, so honestly, I think I'd actually be that blunt


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I think it worries me cause when he and my husband started talking again, almost a month ago, my husband asked me to reach out to him and see if he was okay with things. I didn't want to, and I feel stupid for doing so, but I had done it cause I felt bad for my husband, he seemed desperate. And so when I asked his brother if we were all okay now, he answered, "I dunno, honestly. If you only knew what went through my mind. We had times together, good and bad, and sometimes it gets to me." I think his brother is just really beginning to creep me out with whatever it is that's still on his mind about us or whatever. You're right though, I should just act like I don't give a crap. But at the same time, it creeps me out that he even is so open to me like that still. When I read my husband the convo, he didn't seem to really acknowledge it. Maybe it's just me, I'm probably reading too much into it.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You're right, it's completely weird, and I can see why you feel it's creepy. I think it's time you started behaving as if that period of your life never happened. I'd stop acknowledging it altogether. 

I think that if your husband ever wants you to discuss it with BIL again, you should tell him you think it's extremely unhealthy for it to be brought up over and over and you're not talking about it anymore. BILs issues are BILs issues, not yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think that there is a completion or jealousy that exists between your husband and his brother?

For example, has the brother you dated in high school always felt that the brother you married was the golden child of the family.

I'm just wondering if this is about competition, possessiveness or if the brother you dated in high school truly has such deep feelings for you that seeing you with his brother is painful?

When you broke up with the brother at the end of high school, who dumped whom?


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

No you are not wrong in my opinion. This is something that should be discussed between brothers. Yon need not be involved. He should have no more feelings unless like Elegirl said there is some competition issues there. You said he has a girl friend, so why is he making drama with you???? This was a high school relationship (HSR). Most of the time, HSR's are not really that serious. Because you are in the middle of this situation your husband should mediate the issue and you BIL should know better than to cause any trouble for his brother or any discomfort for his SIL.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm not sure why you encourage your husband to talk and make peace with his brother and then try to bar the guy from your life and home. That makes you look immature and petty. Here's a question, when you to hooked up with your BIL back in high school were you virgins? Did you have a sexual relationship? I ask because if the answer is yes I could see insecurities on your BIL's part as to what personal information you could be sharing with your husband.

Here's what I would do....I think you and BIL need to have a talk. Just ask him why he is so uncomfortable, if he says he still has feelings for you than there's going to have to be some distance maintained and boundaries respected. If he says he's afraid of you sharing intimate details about him with your husband assure him you wont and stick to that promise.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Since you are married I guess can't say it's wrong but hooking up with brothers one would think there might be issues with that.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

Cooper said:


> I'm not sure why you encourage your husband to talk and make peace with his brother and then try to bar the guy from your life and home.


I absolutely agree. Your husband appears to have resolved HIS relationship with his brother but there's little he can do to resolve YOUR relationship with his brother. You're in a far better position to do that than your husband is. You're asking him to fix something that you're unwilling to fix yourself, and then you're chastising him for not doing it right. That must be quite frustrating.

I'd suggest either:
a) Completely dis-engaging in the whole issue. Abandon your relationship with your BIL / ex and provide whatever support to your husband that you feel comfortable with so that he can maintain some sort of relationship with his brother.

OR

b) take ownership of your relationship with your BIL / ex and try to resolve the issue yourself.

What you're doing now is simply setting your husband up for failure.


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## gqlhonourbv (Nov 28, 2014)

It's just a bit of a strange situation to be in.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The husband is being week and not protecting his wife. She wants nothing to do with the brother bringing up the past. The brother is trying to stir up crap that should be dead.

The husband sounds passive and un protective of his relationship with his wife.

She has no responsibility to rehash an old relationship with an ex. Her husband is trying to make her dig up the past face to face with an old, disgruntled lover.

He should put his brother in his place. No man would ever be allowed to approach my wife to discuss there past love affair, much less, a man my wife really did not want to dig stuff up with.

The husband sounds like a real weeny. OP. You need to lay down the law with your man and get pissed that he is not protecting his marriage from his own brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> The husband is being week and not protecting his wife. She wants nothing to do with the brother bringing up the past. The brother is trying to stir up crap that should be dead.
> 
> The husband sounds passive and un protective of his relationship with his wife.
> 
> ...


Completely disagree. The OP asked her husband to sort it out. He did. And as soon as the brother shows up at the house she's having a fit. He can't win.

She either engages or she doesn't. She can't engage when it comes to highlighting everything that's wrong and highlighting all the things she wants to change, but then disengage when it comes to taking action. That's a total cop out.

She choose to dump a guy and then marry his brother. It's up to her to either deal with the consequences or cut the BIL out completely. Telling her husband to bring him back into the family and then complaining when he does so is just going to end badly.....someone might even think she enjoys the attention and that's why she's dragging it out instead of killing it off completely.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The brother was not dealt with. He is still trying to dig crap up with OP.

Does that sound like old bro is dealt with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PieOhMy said:


> Quick input to help you understand the story:
> I dated my husband's brother when I was in high school for 1.5 years. Volatile relationship on both parts, I ended it when I graduated high school, I was 18. I stayed friends with his brother, my now husband. We had started dating when I was 22. Been married for almost 4 years now, I am now 26. His brother flipped out when he found out about our relationship even though it had been 4 years since our breakup. He didn't talk to us for almost a year until one day he said he wanted to just act like nothing happened and started seeing us again. Suddenly, about a year after that, he said he couldn't see us anymore cause it was too hard and feelings were still there. I asked my husband to put his foot down and confront his brother about letting it go but his brother refused and got in an argument with my husband, they stopped talking for several months, until recently.
> 
> Now:
> ...


I say to stop all the drama and let it go. If he wants to dredge up old wounds then you can kick him out. 

Just

Let

It

Go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If your wife had an ex that wanted to sort through old feelings with her and she wanted it left in the past, would you be forcing her to deal with the moonstruck idiot that couldn't get over your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I say to stop all the drama and let it go. If he wants to dredge up old wounds then you can kick him out.
> 
> Just
> 
> ...


Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If your wife had an ex that wanted to sort through old feelings with her and she wanted it left in the past, would you be forcing her to deal with the moonstruck idiot that couldn't get over your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But the husband is not the one dredging it up....she is. They had all gone their separate ways until the wife suggested to the husband that HE square up HER relationship with her ex / his brother. She should either have left it alone compeltely, or not complained when the ex / BIL turned up having re-connected with his brother / her husband at her suggestion. As I said, one might suspect she enjoys it on some level.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> If your wife had an ex that wanted to sort through old feelings with her and she wanted it left in the past, would you be forcing her to deal with the moonstruck idiot that couldn't get over your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Big difference between an ex who's been out of your life and an ex who happens to be your BIL. Either this divides the family or is dealt with, they possibly will see each other for the rest of their lives. Frankly I think it needs to be dealt with, it would suck to be the husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

hubbydude said:


> But the husband is not the one dredging it up....she is. They had all gone their separate ways until the wife suggested to the husband that HE square up HER relationship with her ex / his brother. She should either have left it alone compeltely, or not complained when the ex / BIL turned up having re-connected with his brother / her husband at her suggestion. As I said, one might suspect she enjoys it on some level.


We must be seeing something different in this post. The brother is the one that has initially made this situation weird and I would understand if my wife did not feel totally comfortable around the brother.

The husband should at least give her a heads up before his brother comes over.

All I know is if my brother had acted like an ass about my wife like that, he would have had permanent bruises from knuckle rubs.

The wife talked to the brother and he is still acting weird towards the wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Let your husband have his relationship with his brother, and just let the sh!t GO. If BIL has any issue, then he can keep himself away. Its ridiculous for a grown man to not let go of a relationship that ended in high school. Just let them be brothers, and be polite.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> We must be seeing something different in this post. The brother is the one that has initially made this situation weird and I would understand if my wife did not feel totally comfortable around the brother.
> 
> The husband should at least give her a heads up before his brother comes over.
> 
> ...


Maybe the brother who was first with her should have sorted out the one married to her to know the code among men, one that shouldn't even need to be discussed between brothers, that certain women are off limits.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Maybe the brother who was first with her should have sorted out the one married to her to know the code among men, one that shouldn't even need to be discussed between brothers, that certain women are off limits.


Yeah. Pretty screwed situation. I've given my POV and I'm out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You are sick of this drama? I think you signed up for it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would never date, leave alone marry, my brother's ex!!! Don't know how your husband did it - no real moral fibre in my opinion, to start with.

Also I am amazed that you got it on with his brother and then went on to marry him without expecting super trouble. 

So pretty f*cked up situation all round. Not sure how this should end. Your husband should apologise to his brother (and so should you) to start with and that might start to make things better.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Hi. Sorry I haven't responded for a while. To clear some things up, my husband asked me to try and smooth things over with his brother. When I did, that was when he brought up the "feelings." I dated my ex in high school, the relationship was sexual, but he was not my first and I was not his first either, he is 4 years older than me. I broke up with him, I felt the relationship was very volatile and he was becoming physically abusive. As for my husband, they couldn't be any more different. After reading everyone's posts, I do agree, perhaps I should just shut up and hope my husband realizes that I just don't want to be around him. My ex/his brother, did get married and divorced, and has had several girlfriends since, so I am not sure why he still has feelings. I do think that this might be more of a competitive thing. My husband was never the golden child, he was actually the middle child so he always felt a little left out, but his brother was the first born and always kind of spoiled compared to the rest. I hope I cleared some things up, thank you for everyone's input!


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I also agree that my husband should be handling the situation. I've told him what his brother said to me only a month ago, and he didn't seem to acknowledge it.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Also, I knew that I had signed up for some drama. But I really did not think it would last 4 years. I guess it was stupid of me to think that my ex would let this go ever.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Stop thinking of him as your ex and start thinking of him as your BIL. The relationship is hardly even worth mentioning. You were a teenager.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Does nobody here think it is morally wrong to date (leave alone marry) the brother of your ex-boyfriend ?? The same applies to her husband - dating and marrying the ex-girlfriend of your brother !!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think it is a big deal. She was a kid dating someone 4 years older. Kids make mistakes.

I dated two sisters in high school. They moved or I may have married one.

I still think you have a valid concern OP.

Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

breeze said:


> Stop thinking of him as your ex and start thinking of him as your BIL. The relationship is hardly even worth mentioning. You were a teenager.


Word!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Does nobody here think it is morally wrong to date (leave alone marry) the brother of your ex-boyfriend ?? The same applies to her husband - dating and marrying the ex-girlfriend of your brother !!!!!



It's an unwritten rule of the hood I'm from. To others it may not be an issue. Seems like it's always going to be something they can't un-know for both these brothers. Sometimes you are just forced to lie in the bed you made and deal with it as best you can.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

You had a long term sexual relationship with one brother.

Turned around and had another long term sexual relationship with the other brother. And married him.

Are shocked that the repercussions of your decisions created long term drama.

And yet think your husband is the one responsible for cleaning up the mess you very willingly helped create?

OK Helen of Troy, it's really time to woman up and deal with your own baggage.

Those two were brothers long before you existed in their world. You made the choice to be with both of them. 

Deal with the fall out. Either move on and don't be alone with your lover-turned-brother-in-law, or sit down with him and hash it out.

You can't change whatever feelings the BIL might have. It's not your place to tell the brothers they can't have a relationship. They both seem to be over YOUR drama and moving on with their relationship.

Perhaps you should find a way to move on yourself.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

breeze said:


> Stop thinking of him as your ex and start thinking of him as your BIL. The relationship is hardly even worth mentioning. You were a teenager.



I agree. I was reading this thread last night and found it odd when you referred to him as your ex.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Okay, to clear up some more stuff: 1) My husband and I apologized to my brother in law several times 4 years ago, as soon as we told him the news. I'm not going to continue to say sorry every time he digs up the past. 2) I never told my husband not to have a relationship with his brother. When his brother found out, he attacked him at work. It's my brother in law that keeps bringing it up. Which is why I'm sick of hearing it. 3) Totally agree about calling him my brother in law instead of my ex. I guess I've never felt like he really was since he always brought up "us." 4) I agree that I have made my bed and so now I have to lay in it. As I said before, I just didn't expect my BIL to continue with this for so long. I hope I responded to most of your posts. And thank you for your honesty. It keeps me in check.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OPs husband vowed to forsake all others and put her first. If good old bro doesn't shape up, he needs to go, not the wife. Some of these responses baffle me.

My wife and I are a unit. My siblings do not come ahead of her nor are they her equal for me. My siblings do not get to have personal problems at the expense of my wife.

They will always be my siblings but I did not take vows with them nor do I have children with them, etc...

The brother is the problem here. OPs husband needs to tell him to stop giving his wife a hard time about the past or get lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Thank you, ConanHub. Those are my beliefs as well but I always do like hearing different perspectives.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BIL's relationships haven't worked out. PIE is possibly viewed as the 'one' who got away. BIL isn't happy little brother got the goodies while BIL continues to fail. BIL is trying to stir up crap in the hopes that PIE will realize that she picked the wrong bro.

PIE needs to verbalize to both brothers at the same time why she dumped the one. Put it all on the table & set forth boundaries for future interactions.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

"Set forth boundaries for future interactions." I like this.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It would seem one or two things are going on. One he, the brother, still had feelings for you and you to him were the one that got away. That is tough to get over as I know from experience.

Two ,and probably the greater issue, is the problem he has with his brother dating and marrying his x girlfriend. Where I come from this gets you thrown out of the family. Doesn't matter that this happend in high school. What matters is family first before drama and GF.

It is unrealistic for you to expect you husband and his brother not to have a realtionship. They will and you need to just stay out of that. That being said you do have a right not to have a relationship with the BiL. It will stir up more drama that way but it is your right. I would suggest you have more empathy and try to understand that you are part of a rift caused in a family. Not all your fault but still you are at the center of it. 

I think I am so glad my brother and I have complete opposite tastes in women.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Again, I don't expect them not to have a relationship. I know a man needs to have his brother in his life. I just don't want to be around my brother in law if he's going to be bringing up the past. It seems like whenever life gets too tough for him, he brings it up again. He's been doing this for 4 years and now I'm done with it. After spending the holidays with us, he suddenly says, "I can't be around you two. It's too hard, the feelings are still there." Then in an argument with my husband, he says "I will never accept you guys. You don't exist to me, and she doesn't exist to me." They don't talk for a while, then when they do, my husband asks that I reach out to him and ask if we're okay, so I do and that's when I get that response, "I honestly dunno. If you only knew what's in my head. We've had good times and bad times together, it gets to me." Of course he chooses to say this after his recent ex girlfriend was pregnant and they broke up, so she decided to get an abortion. I've told my husband to continue having a relationship with his brother. But now my brother in law has gotten his license suspended, again, so I don't know what's going on.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

As a side note, his family was upset at my husband's decision, but they accepted it and we are now on good terms with them, thankfully. My husband does have a lot of difficulties with them because they constantly ask for money, but that's a different story. Besides that, we all get along well.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So let me see if I have this straight: You dump your boyfriend only to marry his brother later, and then you get mad that boyfriend has issues with that. Also, you have issues that your husband hasn't found a way to keep both of you in his life. 

Wow! Well, you're married now. I suspect Elegirl hit the nail on the head when she asked about jealousy issues. Which brother feels superior now, do you suppose? How might that affect the other? 

But, if nothing else, you can always say that you ended the relationship and you will not have any relationship with an ex, even if they are family now. Or, you can do the honorable thing and give the ex a chance to work some of this out of his system. Listen to him without judgment, set and maintain boundaries, and remember that he has good reason to feel betrayed by two people who meant an awful lot to him.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

"Set and maintain boundaries." I like this. Don't bring up the past, like no references to our past relationship. All parties must be respectful and just be polite. Some people are saying I should confront/discuss these things with my brother in law. Some people are saying that my husband should be have this discussion with his brother. I already put out maybe all three of us talking and clearing the air but he said he doesn't think that's a good idea and that his brother wouldn't do that. I guess I'm left wondering if I should be talking with my brother in law or my husband should be talking to him, or if I should just stay quiet and try to ignore the things his brother says to me. Thank you everyone, at least I'm not thinking so narrowly now.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Again, in my opinion, which is different to many here (but I have seen this happen in my own family), it was and is wrong to date sexual partners of a sibling. So what your husband did was just plain wrong! What you did to date the brother of an ex-lover was just plain wrong! The only thing that might make this right is if both of you genuinely apologise to your brother in law - separately. Accept that it was wrong, point out that your relationship had broken down and/or you were too young and/or whatever else etc. etc.; and then point out that you did not intend to hurt him but you just fell in love with his brother (and I am hoping that this was the case).

Think about what I am saying and it maybe better than trying to control boundaries and all that in future. He may or may not accept your apologies but it will always be a thorn in his side. Also he may be quicker to forgive his own brother.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

We did apologize. We've apologized in person, we've apologized together, we've apologized separately, several times. I was the one that told him, I told him in person and when I did, we were talking alone for like an hour about it, and I really was sincerely sorry. Idk what else he wants from us. Everybody in his family always walks on ice around him. And yes, my husband and I were and still are in love. I love my husband very much.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What was his response like when you told him first ? It sounds like he never really accepted your (or your husband's) apology. He is still hurting from this - not because he wants to be with you - simply by the fact that his little brother went with an ex of his (which is unforgivable in many circles).

In my case my youngest sister went with the older sister's boyfriend and the older sister was really hurt by this. The whole family ostracised both of them for a long time. To the point where cracks have begun to appear now in the relationship even though they now have a kid together. I for one cannot stand the guy. It was different from your situation though. For one, my youngest sister was barely 18 (and very naive) when this happened. The [email protected] was 30! And he was cheating on the older sister with my youngest sister until my mother confronted them. The sisters have now made up but no-one in the family has accepted the [email protected] I even find it hard to play with my nephew as a result.

The best that you can do now is leave the brothers to it and get on with making the best of your life. I don't think the BIL/your ex (and yes he is your ex) will ever forgive you for it. He may forgive his brother because blood is thicker than water (and I hope that this truly happens and is not just "lip service").

Accept that he cannot really be a comfortable part of your life going forward - as an uncle for your kids, as a brother-in-law etc which is sad but that is the way it might have to be.

He may be volatile and the whole family tiptoes around him, but to them, he is family by blood and you are only family by marriage. So when the chips are down, they may see things his way rather than yours.

Your husband, on the other hand, may be seen as weak as accepting or pursuing cast-offs from his older brother (and not just by his family, but by friends too). I know this will hurt but I am telling it to you the way I have seen this sort of thing unfold. Not just with my sisters but other examples around me too.

I wish you luck with this and maybe he will come round in time. But for now and from what you have said, he is hurt - not just his pride but also the perceived "betrayal" by his brother.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Honestly, I think the brother needs to go. He sounds like he's a volatile mess. But having said that, what is the context that we're dealing with wrt to the relationships? Did the OP break up with - I assume - older brother and start dating younger brother in secret right away, or was there a period of time between the relationships with the brothers? 

Either way, I don't get how a brother would EVER want to date the ex of another brother. Plain stupid IMHO. However, what's done is done and the bottom line is that the BIL DOES NOT deserve closure. If I have the story right, the OP and the BIL moved on and dated others prior to her and the other brother hooking up and marrying. If that's the case, then the BIL needs to shut up and either deal with it or go away.

I'd ask BIL what does he want, the OP to divorce her H and to start a new relationship with the BIL? That needs to be answered.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't really think the BIL wants to get back with the OP - he seems to be having a hard time with fact that his younger brother hooked up with his ex.

As for him shutting up and disappearing - I think he would do so but for the fact that he needs some closure with his brother - hence me saying that as brothers they will have to sort it out. Else I honestly don't think he cares who the OP hooks up with.

If he does disappear without closure it will cause a rift in the family and maybe that is what needs to happen (although I think both brothers and the family will regret this later in life).


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I dated my BIL when I was 17. I broke up with him when I graduated high school, I was 18, he was 22. I did this because he was verbally and physically abusive and I was beginning to reciprocate the same way. He kind of stalked/harassed me afterward for a while. Which I told him to leave me alone. Eventually he married and I thought he moved on, and he asked to be friends and I said I didn't think it'd be a good idea. We did kind of keep in touch via email but only because he owed me 3K. Meanwhile, my H, who is my age, we stayed friends. Meaning, when he was in the area, we got lunch every now, hit up parties together and sometimes went on double dates, me with my date, him with his date. My H and I always had a good relationship, even while I was dating BIL. When BIL was being verbally/physically abusive to me, my H would defend me and then they'd start fighting verbally, sometimes physically. It was very scary. I mean it when I say the two couldn't be any more different from each other. It was very awkward at times too. Four years later my H and I start hanging out a little more, BIL knows about this and told H he was okay with it, and then one night H makes the move on me, we kiss and decide to start dating. About 6 weeks later we became sexually intimate. When I told BIL he responded very weird. Was very angry but at the same time was attempting to wipe my tears. But after sitting on it for a day all heck broke lose. Threatening me, threatening my H, threatening my family, I eventually filed a complaint with the cops. He attacked my H at work. My H's car was in BIL's name at the time so he took the license plates off his car. My H moved in with my family. Etc. And the rest of the story I've already told you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so while your BIL sounds dysfunctional, he was very obviously hurt by your hooking up with his brother and did not really get over it. Very clear. Presumably he did not pull all this [email protected] when you were dating other guys (other than his brother).

So I still think he has not got over it in his mind and sees it as a betrayal by his brother. By the way your husband "fancied" you even when you were with his brother (hence the physical fighting with his brother when you were being attacked) and I am sure you knew this. Not cool of him, but can't be helped I suppose. And he probably hung around you since waiting for the chance to hook up with you. BIL might have noticed this too.

Your husband needs to clear the air with BIL and you both need to move on and accept that BIL will not get over this easily. Again, its not a question of wanting to get back with you so much as upset that his brother hooked up with you. Maybe even tried to "reclaim" you to give your husband a taste of what he was feeling.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK so while your BIL sounds dysfunctional, he was very obviously hurt by your hooking up with his brother and did not really get over it. Very clear. Presumably he did not pull all this [email protected] when you were dating other guys (other than his brother).
> 
> So I still think he has not got over it in his mind and sees it as a betrayal by his brother. By the way your husband "fancied" you even when you were with his brother (hence the physical fighting with his brother when you were being attacked) and I am sure you knew this. Not cool of him, but can't be helped I suppose. And he probably hung around you since waiting for the chance to hook up with you. BIL might have noticed this too.
> 
> Your husband needs to clear the air with BIL and you both need to move on and accept that BIL will not get over this easily. Again, its not a question of wanting to get back with you so much as upset that his brother hooked up with you. Maybe even tried to "reclaim" you to give your husband a taste of what he was feeling.


The brother deserves no consideration. He had his chance and abused OP. Years later she fell in love with his brother, not a crime or wrong in any way, and the good old bro threw a fit.

After all the history of abuse and idiotic behavior by the brother, I cannot understand how OPs husband could even allow his brother access to his wife.

If any man, regardless of relation, had ever abused my wife, he would never be welcome in my home or near her or my family.

There have been some very serious lines crossed by this idiot and he has shown time and again that he cannot be trusted.

People seriously need to get over the whole issue of the same person being involved with two siblings at two entirely different times. There is no malice or wrong doing there.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

<br />
If any man, regardless of relation, had ever abused my wife, he would never be welcome in my home or near her or my family.<br />

I happen to agree with this but I assumed I was expecting too much because they are brothers. I feel like I'd be asking too much of my H. I had hoped that he would have been a little more sensitive to how I felt/feel about BIL being around is all.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I was trying to quote the post before. Sorry, still getting to know the app. Also, I never thought my H fancied me while I was dating BIL, I think he just knew his BIL was a bully cause I had seen him bully my H and their younger brother as well.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> The brother deserves no consideration. He had his chance and abused OP. Years later she fell in love with his brother, not a crime or wrong in any way, and the good old bro threw a fit.
> 
> After all the history of abuse and idiotic behavior by the brother, I cannot understand how OPs husband could even allow his brother access to his wife.
> 
> ...


Easier said than done for many of us - I would never dream of dating or marrying one of my brothers exes. Would just be wrong and disrespectful.

While it is true that BIL has crossed some serious lines and this has to stop, I would also say that so has OP's husband and OP too. One is more physically violent and the other is more emotionally abusive/cruel. So the violent idiot is reacting to the emotional abuse is what we have. And yes, to some of us, hooking up with a younger brother after we have broken up is very wrong!

And I disagree with OP that she didn't think her husband fancied her while she was going out with her ex/BIL. Seems to me that he always hung around her after that too.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Silly to say the OP emotionally abused the idiot brother.

If my wife had dated any male relative of mine, our families are close so possible, before me it would not have stopped me or my marriage.

Any fool stupid enough to try and cause me or my wife problems would seriously regret it.

Not everyone has your code. That is personal to you and should not be applied to anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not the only one to whom this applies. There are big parts of nations out there that abide by this "code".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not this nation pal. Any man tries to enforce their code on my marriage is in for hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Not this nation pal. Any man tries to enforce their code on my marriage is in for hell.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your missing the point, pal! The person who would need to enforce the code wouldn't be some one else - it would have to be you or your very own brother, for it to be the "code". 

And assuming you are from the USA, then very much your nation, pal! Big ... no, huge God-fearing, law-abiding and socially aware communities feel this way.

F**king and marrying someone also f**ked by your brother is not a good idea! Maybe that's more recognisable as a "code", pal.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

To ConanHub: Just wanted to apologise - my last post came off a bit aggressive and I did not want to be. Sorry about that.

I understand that this is not your thinking and I fully understand wanting to defend your wife against any idiots - and the BIL of the OP is clearly an idiot from what we have heard.

However, and you are right in that this is personal to me too, I do believe that many people do feel this way too and will not, on principle and moral grounds, date or marry exes of siblings. More than half my family are US based or American, hence I can say this of the various communities that make up the USA.

To the OP: I am glad that you and your husband are in love. You need to distance yourselves from the BIL as he will not get over this easily. I tried to explain why this might be the case in addition to him being a nutter.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Thank you, everybody. As far as I know, my H has not talked to BIL or set any boundaries about the situation yet. I'm just looking for a "letting it go so we can all attempt to make this family work in the future" and "if you're going to come around, stop bringing it up and be respectful to our marriage." Something like that. Thank you for everyone's posts!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thank you man. Pie, really hope it works. You should not be subjected to your BILs stupidity. If it continues, you have to take a stand. Your life may become unbearable if you don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

What's a good stand to take without crossing any lines? Like, what would be a good thing to say if my H or BIL doesn't respect my/our wishes?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would say that your husband needs to say something along the lines of this:

*"Look, we are brothers and we need to get along if for no other reason than that we are family. I understand that you may be upset or hurt about me marrying OP but you and her were a long time ago and that didn't end well anyway. What I am about to say comes from both of us.

I love her and she loves me and we are not going to give up our happiness and love just because you cannot cope with it. I love you as a brother and so I am asking you to suck it up and get over it.

Now even more importantly, you have been disrespectful to my wife and to me. This needs to stop now or else we have a bigger problem than just disruption to our family. If you feel you cannot do what I am asking, then I am going to insist that we do not spend any time together. I do regret having to do this but you leave me no choice. If on the other hand you feel you can, then we will welcome it and put the past behind us. It is your call. And if you accept this, I do not want to hear about this ever again."*

And it should end with whatever boundaries you want to put in place if any - just in case he "relapses". Also your husband should make his family aware of this discussion.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good post man. Pie, you may need to stand up to your H a bit if he won't support this.

He needs to understand that his marriage does need defending and if he will not protect you or his marriage in some manner, it will start wearing you down and could seriously impact your marriage as time goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

That would be great but I doubt my H has the nerve to be that blunt. My H is a great man, but he's a little bit of a pushover when it comes to BIL. I've asked him about it, and he said he feels like he owes him something. So I know he feels guilty but I think it's something he needs to get over, too. I'm definitely interested in getting it from a man's perspective so all the men reading this post, please keep giving me your thoughts of what my H or I should say. Thank you so much!


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

Your husband probably realizes it is a little rivalry. Your husband succeeded where his brother failed. It probably is nothing more than that. 

Just don't entertain the brother.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please have any meetings away from your father's home. The poor man really doesn't need to have his life contaminated with this garbage. Your husband and BIL can duke it out elsewhere.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

PieOhMy said:


> That would be great but I doubt my H has the nerve to be that blunt. My H is a great man, but he's a little bit of a pushover when it comes to BIL. I've asked him about it, and he said he feels like he owes him something. So I know he feels guilty but I think it's something he needs to get over, too. I'm definitely interested in getting it from a man's perspective so all the men reading this post, please keep giving me your thoughts of what my H or I should say. Thank you so much!


OP, do you really think that what I wrote was too blunt? I thought it was very civil and polite. Would welcome others' comments on my little note.

At some stage he has to man up, else you will regret marrying him in the long run.

He feels guilty (as I said at the start) for going with an ex of his brother's. Understand that. But now its done and he has vowed to love and protect you against ALL others. You should come first and if he cannot do this, then you have to ask the question "am I with the right man for me?"


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Yeah. My father knows the story, but he's tries to be nice and accept everybody. He's awesome like that. But I know he doesn't like my BIL, we've talked about it privately before. Another big reason why I'm really done with BIL bringing it up. If BIL would just let it go and stop starting up drama whenever his license gets suspended or a girlfriend breaks up with him, my family and myself, would be much more accepting. But he's 30 years old now, my H and I are 26, we're not in high school anymore.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

Manfromlamancha, sorry I didn't respond to your question sooner. I do not think what you wrote is blunt. I think it is very straight forward and clear. What I meant was that my H would think that is too blunt. He's a little more passive where as I'm more assertive. And when I've tried to push him to be more assertive, he's gotten mad at me for being "selfish" cause I was trying to make him do what I wanted and he wanted to do things his own way. I try to respect that. However, as I've pointed out to him before, his own way has gotten us nowhere and BIL is still up to the same old crap.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If that is the case, I would forget about BIL for now and start working on darling hubby! As I said before, he needs to man up.


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