# Teenagers and Visitation



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

My 17 yr old son and 18 yr old daughter usually stay with their mother. However, according to the Parenting Agreement, they are to stay with me every Wednesday and every other weekend. I am paying child support on my son (Junior in H.S.), until he graduates and daughter, who'll graduate this May.

Neither my son or daughter want to abide by the parenting plan. I have a good relationship with both, but they never want to stay with me at the same time, because I live in a smaller house than their mom and they don't get along half the time. My son may stay with me 1-2 nights/week and daughter may stay with me 1 night/week every 2 weeks or so. She's a mothers girl and likes to stay close to her mom... 

The bottom line is, they feel because of their ages, that they should be able to decide if and when to stay with me and their mom, without abiding by the Plan. My son stayed with me alot last summer and may do the same this summer as well...

Do any of you have teenagers and experience some of the same issues OR should I just put my foot down (as long as I'm paying child support), and make them abide by the parenting plan? I want them to feel independent and make their own choices to a large degree.

Any thoughts or experiences, regarding this issue?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, I have a 19 year old son and two 16 year old daughters. Here in our state children at this age pretty much get to decide where they stay/go. Of course, the 19 year old isn't an issue. However, he lives with his dad. The girls usually see their dad every other weekend--sometimes not. But, it depends on what is going on with their social calendars (whether they want to leave town). I usually stay out of it. My estranged husband moved out in 2008 and has yet to pay a dime of child support. His argument is that he is sending the son to college??? This arrangement may change though. Some things have come up recently and the current arrangement may have to be altered. My counselor feels that a psychiatric evaluation should be required on my estranged husband. 

I really don't think you will be very popular if you try to "force" visitation. Teenagers will resent that because most are developing their own social life. The best thing you can do is always leave the door open for them. Perhaps even have a dinner night each week.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Thanks 827Aug. I tend to agree with you. My son said he wanted to choose for himself, when to come and go and not go by the parenting plan. He has a 16 year old GF that has to stick by her parents Plan and I understand she resents it. I don't want my kids to be resentful...

Also, my son clashes with his mom at times and will sometimes stay with me more often, so the reverse can hold true...

I invite them both to stay with me anytime and tell them I love to have them, but I'm going to ultimately leave the choice up to them. 

I have been having weekly dinner nights with both of them, that's really been nice. We look forward to the get togethers to play catch up...even though I talk to them daily.

Sorry to hear about the challenges you're going through, especially regarding Child Support. Hopefully, everything will work out.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I don't have any experience with what you described but from the perspective of a dad with a 20 yo and a 16 yo, I would agree with 827Aug - leave it up to the children. There is nothing to be gained by "forcing" them to abide by a plan. The focus should be on the *relationship* you have and will have with them going forward. As long as they know you are there for them no matter what, everything will be okay.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Exactly what you are doing is the way to go. The parenting plan is nothing more than the guideline the court will use to adjudicate any issues between you and your ex. 

If it is acceptable to you and your ex, and neither of you believe the kids are playing you off of one another I think it's fine. If one of the kids doesn't like a decision from mom, and declares that they are going to stay at dad's for spite, or in hopes of a different outcome, than that is something you should probably address with your ex as to how plan on backing each other up when it comes to parenting.


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