# Sometimes I think I married a kid.



## DexterDad (Aug 19, 2012)

If we argue or somebody says anything to my wife about her attitude she always says " I get it I'm a horrible wife and mother and you want me dead or gone!"
*If somebody is talking about something bad that happened in their life, she has a story of her own. She takes every opportunity to let people know that her parents died even if it's part of the conversation. *They died in 1983 and in 2002. I know it's no less saddening for her but she tells people she just met.
*She's extremely rude and ungrateful. The other night we ran out of money and didn't have enough for dinner that evening so a friend decided to help out and buy us dinner as a kindness. My wife doesn't like cheese and the food had cheese but instead of saying " I don't like cheese, but thank you, I appreciate your generosity. " or something less corny, she stomps around the house whining and saying " I guess I don't get dinner, I have to starve cause I don't like cheese!". Never once was there a thank you at all. * I felt so ashamed to even know her and did my best to apologize to our friend.
*She's constantly harping on the kids about the dumbest things and when I ask her to stop she goes to another pity party. Saying things like, "*I get it I'm a horrible wife and mother and you want me dead or gone." every argument turns into a pity party where somehow everyone hates her even though nobody does or ever said they do. *If she is in need of a favor from a friend she wont ask, she instead drops hints by saying over and over " I really need this or that" to the point that the person she's hinting too finally either gives it to shut her up or leaves. *I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm afraid to leave because the kids plus we have court guardianship of one who's not ours and she will go back to foster care if we divorce. * It's not that I don't love her cause I do but this crap is just too ridiculous, it's like I'm married to a 12 year old. ( no sickness intended in that thought)*


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

DexterDad said:


> If we argue or somebody says anything to my wife about her attitude she always says " I get it I'm a horrible wife and mother and you want me dead or gone!"
> My husband can get defensive like this for no reason too, though not as dramatically. He'll say "You don't like anything about me!"  OMG, grow up.
> When I have an issue with something he has done, I calmly state why his actions upset me. The last time my husband resorted to the "poor me" routine, I just told him that he was being immature and irrational. I also mentioned that I do not expect that behavior from my husband who is nearly ten years older than me. As long as I am not being rude or insulting, there is no need for irrational responses. I don't know if you criticize your wife excessively. If you do, that is likely why she makes such blanket statements. If not, try discussing her communication style.
> 
> ...


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## DexterDad (Aug 19, 2012)

Thank you for the response, I will add few things to hopefully answer some questions you mentioned. For the most part I'm a pretty quiet guy and let things go for a bit but I admit at times I've said the wrong thing. I try not to yell at her and criticize her but sometimes I get so frustrated, I just don't care how what I say to her sounds as long as she stops.
An example of dumb things to harp about to the kids is today our 11 year old daughter was eating a PB&J and did like kids sometimes do and smashed it while eating it. She had no intention of not eating it, it's just something she does at times. My wife sat next to her for the entire lunch yelling at her about it and telling her she better eat it. Just saying once to not do that or whatever seemed appropriate to me.

Yes I am employed though just recently and we fell behind on bills and as we were running to frantically get those caught up we didn't pay close enough attention to our funds and well that's that.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I don't judge you for having financial problems, my friend. We are also in debt due to the recession and so many couples are falling behind. I asked because I wanted to get a better picture of the issues. 

As for your wife chewing out your daughter, I think it would be better if a parent spoke on that. My opinion is that you are right, but I have never raised a child. 

When you let things go too much, the anger builds up inside you. Maybe it would be easier to stay calm if you assertively speak up about what annoys you. You have my sympathy with frustration; my husband is a highly educated and intelligent man who does some very childish and silly things. I will become sarcastic at times because I am incredulous.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You are married to a woman who has the victim mentality and she has a bad case of it. Because you are married to her, you are a codependent.

Take a look at Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia and An Overview of the Drama Triangle.


Also research codependency. The term came about to describe the spouse of an alcoholic. Knowing that may bring into your awareness the magnitude of the problems you face. If it doesn’t then “No one can change an alcoholic but themselves” may do. Your wife will never change unless she wants to. No matter what you do or how long you try to change her. In fact, just like the alcoholic the more you try and change her the stronger her victim character will become.




People with the victim mentality will constantly and unerringly shet test you. You are in for a very bumpy and painful ride. Most especially if you are in love with her and want to rescue her.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s my experience that a big part of your wife’s character development stopped at the time she was say four to six years old. And that’s why you think you married a “kid”.

Children push boundaries because they don’t know they exist, unconscious shet testers bless them. It is for the parent to teach their child about boundaries. Good parents do it by example (how they live with their own boundaries, just by being “them”), patience, tolerance and understanding. And when those things haven’t worked the seriously good parent uses tough love but in wise, moderate and compassionate ways. In essence the parents are creating a healthy value and belief system within their child. It’s obviously called “Good parenting”.

I doubt your wife had the benefit of good parenting and so her character is now very strongly formed deeply in her psyche. In there you will find the value and belief system of a person with the victim personality. It’s not really her fault, it is her parents fault.

But assigning blame never works in these things. For example how were her parents parented. If you look you can probably go back generations before you find the person who is ultimately responsible. If you ever do. Sometimes it’s a cultural thing. The victim was brought up in a victim culture. In the UK there’s whole cities of them.

Generational abusive behaviour patterns need to be stopped. Such that they’re not handed down to the next generation. Your children are for example in very great danger of also having the victim personality.



But maybe she will “grow” out of it and carry on her development that was stunted long ago as a child. It’s doubtful she will grow unless “her way” causes her to get shet tested such that she’s in a great deal of pain. But even then she may never learn and grow because of who she is, a victim who at the very heart of her psyche believes the problems in her life are unerringly somebody else’s fault.


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