# Reconcile or Not



## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

My wife & I have been separated for almost two years. We were pretty much estranged for the majority of those times and were dragging along with the divorce papers because of the cost. Well we recently reconciled on friendly basis but she hit me a bomb - she wants to get back together. I really don't want to go back and I told her that but when we met up face-to-face it became difficult because I seen the hurt in her eyes. Now I don't know what to do


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Live your life on your terms no one else's. It's not up to you to make her happy.

She's a STBXW for a reason.

Better wake up


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

If you are very sure you do not want to get back together make sure you tell her and do you best not to lead her on, no flirting etc. If you do get back together do not rush into the relationship and try to get counseling for both of you. If my wife and i get ack together this is what i would do and try to talk as much as can and be around each other etc


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

"but when we met up face-to-face it became difficult because I seen the hurt in her eyes. Now I don't know what to do"

You know what comes after the word "but" right?

Why did you guys separate? Need some background info...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Four of your eight threads are in the CWI forum.

To Hell with does or doesn’t hurt her.

IOW, “not”.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

theone79 said:


> My wife & I have been separated for almost two years. We were pretty much estranged for the majority of those times and were dragging along with the divorce papers because of the cost. Well we recently reconciled on friendly basis but she hit me a bomb - she wants to get back together. I really don't want to go back and I told her that but when we met up face-to-face it became difficult* because I seen the hurt in her eyes. Now I don't know what to do*


NO. NO. NO.

You cannot reconcile because you feel sorry for someone. No matter how sorry you feel for them. You will never be happy and ultimately they won't either. You will waste more years and either give up and accept being miserable or more likely the unhappiness will build and build again and you'll break up again and hurt her even worse.

Now if you said you saw her and were really attracted and really wishing she was still with you, that might be different. I would tell her it's not going to work and that you harbor no ill will toward her but don't want to see her even on a friendly basis because you both need to move on in different directions with your lives.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe she's discovered life without you isn't as easy as she originally thought it would be. That's unfortunate for her but not your problem. You can't live your life for someone else (or you shouldn't). Move on and don't look back.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Seriously some people are just a glutton for punishment. You couldn't get over it before, what's changed? Besides that why have you not moved on with your life? Your passiveness is really hurting you. Also all it took was some tears huh? Shame she didn't show you the same level of loyalty. 

Seriously dude get a dog, they will be more loyal with less problems. And stop talking to your wife and move on with your life, there are hundreds of thousands of good women you could be with. She can find someone else she can take advantage of and have and affair on. MOVE ON!

White knights are gonna white knight I guess.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

irish925 said:


> "but when we met up face-to-face it became difficult because I seen the hurt in her eyes. Now I don't know what to do"
> 
> You know what comes after the word "but" right?
> 
> Why did you guys separate? Need some background info...


Check his history she cheated on him.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Seriously some people are just a glutton for punishment.
> 
> White knights are gonna white knight I guess.


Yep. Life would be easier on them if they saved that white knighting for someone worthy of it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Yep. Life would be easier on them if they saved that white knighting for someone worthy of it.


But it doesn't work that way, a white knight always needs a damsel. If she didn't need some sort of saving he wouldn't be interested in her in the first place. He would probably subconsciously think she was out if his league. Really no different then the women who wants the bad boy so she can save him.

After reading these sites for a while now I am convinced that a lot of people end up with people like this because in the end they want to. Like the best response would have been to laugh in her face, actually he shouldn't have even been talking to her. But the kind of person who would laugh in her face wouldn't have ever married her in the first place. He would have laughed in her face long before he married her and she cheated on him, and then moved on. 

That sounds mean I know but I think for a lot of this stuff it's the truth. Dysfunction attracts Dysfunction I'm afraid.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think you need to remember what you posted originally:
"Damn. I know murder crossed your mind. I told my wife I will knock her and the dude unconscious, piss on their face just to wake them up and knock them back out. Evil as it sound but my anger fumed at that time."

Do you REALLY want to go back to that? Did she ever tell you the details of the affair? Do you REALLY want to give her the chance to do this again to you?
She may be hurt, but SHE IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT -- do you remember YOUR hurt?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're asking for trouble when you take a cheater back. The odds are excellent they will cheat again. Yes, there are a few who don't cheat again but most do. I lived that life and I don't recommend it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Not. Don't be a chump.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You're asking for trouble when you take a cheater back. The odds are excellent they will cheat again. Yes, there are a few who don't cheat again but most do. I lived that life and I don't recommend it.


This.....
And remember when/if she cheats again then you have no one to blame but yourself because she will look you straight in the eyes and say you knew what I was when you took me back...


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I got back with my ex, please don't be scared to move on. I'm facing family court now. He is trying to take me for everything I have and he kept cheating. 20+ wasted years. 

He looked sad and sorry too. It took him a couple of weeks of moving back until he was once again how he used to be. Please keep moving forward.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Seriously some people are just a glutton for punishment. You couldn't get over it before, what's changed? Besides that why have you not moved on with your life? Your passiveness is really hurting you. Also all it took was some tears huh? Shame she didn't show you the same level of loyalty.
> 
> Seriously dude get a dog, they will be more loyal with less problems. And stop talking to your wife and move on with your life, there are hundreds of thousands of good women you could be with. She can find someone else she can take advantage of and have and affair on. MOVE ON!
> 
> White knights are gonna white knight I guess.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

theone79 said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > Seriously some people are just a glutton for punishment. You couldn't get over it before, what's changed? Besides that why have you not moved on with your life? Your passiveness is really hurting you. Also all it took was some tears huh? Shame she didn't show you the same level of loyalty.
> ...



I'm far from a white knight bro. I had plenty of women since and still going. And I told her I don't wanna come back but her question was is there a chance in the future. That's the question I have.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

sokillme said:


> WorkingWife said:
> 
> 
> > Yep. Life would be easier on them if they saved that white knighting for someone worthy of it.
> ...





jlg07 said:


> I think you need to remember what you posted originally:
> "Damn. I know murder crossed your mind. I told my wife I will knock her and the dude unconscious, piss on their face just to wake them up and knock them back out. Evil as it sound but my anger fumed at that time."
> 
> Do you REALLY want to go back to that? Did she ever tell you the details of the affair? Do you REALLY want to give her the chance to do this again to you?
> She may be hurt, but SHE IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT -- do you remember YOUR hurt?


I'm a white knight but I can turn into a wolf in a minute. I ain't say I wanna go back. Her question was anytime in the future. I had plenty of women since then and still getting around


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I would say to her that her infidelities left a horrible taste in your mouth that you are slowly removing. Say to her, possibly many years down the road, if then. Be clear, that it was her actions that did this, and she may feel that getting back with you would mitigate the damages that she brought to you, but, tell her that it is not the case.

Ask her honestly, did she give an actual sh*t about how badly you were hurt? Ask her how she'd feel if the shoe had been on the other foot. Would she be so quick to forgive if you carried on affairs, and when things got uncomfortable, came running back. Me? I would say thanks but no thanks. I would say that I deserve MUCH better than a skank who spreads them for the first d*ck that bounces by. Tell her you want an ethical woman who cares for the person she married versus a skank who thinks only of the itch between her legs. 

I had a former girlfriend, and she was ethically challenged. I dumped her after finding out that she had been the community bicycle in the bar she was working. About 17-18 years later, we were having renovations done, and needed to be out for a night, so we booked the kids and us into a hotel. We went to the restaurant adjoining the hotel, and my wife and daughter were off in the gift shop, so I took my then 5-6 year old son into the bar, sat him up on a barstool and ordered a coke for him and a double jack for myself. The bartender moved off to make our drinks when the second bartender came on. It was my former girlfriend. She comes up to me all smiles, asks how I have been. I introduce my son. She stops dead in her tracks. "You have a son?". I explain it is a natural thing after being married. Then my daughter comes up. My daughter is drop dead gorgeous. She is the spitting image of her mother. I introduce her, she's 12. "You have a daughter too?" I say, yeah, we are staying in the hotel, because our house is being reno'd and I couldn't take the paint smell. She goes, "You have a house too, damn, you grew up. I say, "I didn't think I had a choice," She is freaked when my wife walks up, and she beats a hasty retreat into the back. She got the full monty of what her infidelity had cost her all those years ago. I found out that she really had not changed anything other than place of employment, and she stagnated. Sad really.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

theone79 said:


> My wife & I have been separated for almost two years. We were pretty much estranged for the majority of those times and were dragging along with the divorce papers because of the cost. Well we recently reconciled on friendly basis but she hit me a bomb - she wants to get back together. I really don't want to go back and I told her that but when we met up face-to-face it became difficult because I seen the hurt in her eyes. Now I don't know what to do


Ask yourself, did your WW see the hurt in your eyes when you discovered her infidelity? Did she care?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Yep. Life would be easier on them if they saved that white knighting for someone worthy of it.


But, those that are worthy don't need it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Finish the divorce first and then, tell her you need 6 months to think about it. then tell her for those 6 month you expect her not to see anyone as a testament to her love for you...i bet she would say no or not stick with it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her how sorry you are to see the hurt in her eyes. Ask her if she remembers the hurt in your eyes on DDay. Why would you even think of taking that risk. She has shown you who she really is believe her. I know the for a fact. You never get over the betrayal. But it’s a lot easier to swallow with someone that actually loves you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just don't do it. You will absolutely regret not listening to yourself if you do. You know what she is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The answer is no. Just no.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

theone79 said:


> I'm far from a white knight bro. I had plenty of women since and still going. And I told her I don't wanna come back but her question was is there a chance in the future. That's the question I have.


No.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theone79 said:


> I'm far from a white knight bro. I had plenty of women since and still going. And I told her I don't wanna come back but her question was is there a chance in the future. That's the question I have.


You are a white knight because your motivation to want to be with her is to try to save her from herself. *"I seen the hurt in her eyes."*

From your other post your wife cheated. You know why she hurts, because she knows she ****ed her life. She ****ed her life crapping all over you, yet here you are posting on a board about HER HURT. Does she hurt for the hurt she caused you? That has nothing to do with how much sex you have after you separated. If the first post on this thread isn't classic white knight behavior I don't know what is. 

This is not love by the way, at least a healthy one. Not sure what it is but it's not love. In healthy relationships you both build each other up and work on mutual goals. One doesn't **** on their partner while they that partner continuously tries to shield them from the consequences. Maybe you don't know what it's like to be married to a person with honor who actually makes your life (even your emotional one) easier. But lets just say it's MUCH BETTER. Why do you want to settle because you feel sorry for this person and you have a history. 

In your own words.



> My wife cheated on my 2 years ago. I tried to move on from it but it's hard because I feel like she told me a bunch of lies. None of her stories was matching the little pieces of evidence I seen and what I was hearing from other sources. I feel like the only way I can move on is actually hearing everything. I tried but I can't move on with a bunch of lies. It is eating away at me and I find myself looking at her sideways.


Seriously dude **** this person. (That is a healthy response!) Their are two healthy responses to someone who punches you is. Punch them back or walk away. Trying to make them feel better for punching YOU just means you are codependent or have some other emotional problem. It ain't healthy that's for sure. 

This is who your wife is, let some other poor sap try to prevent her from dealing with the consequences of ****ing other people over. Ghost her as much as possible depending on your situation, totally if you can. You will have a better life. 

Just saying.

If this doesn't sink in then let me ask you this, did you ever get the answers to the questions in the post I quoted on here? What has she done to change from the ******* she was and probably still is?

Common man what are you thinking here? Just be happy she is feeling consequences and move on with your life.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

theone79 said:


> her question was is there a chance in the future. That's the question I have.


Tell her yes, if she can un-shagg him!
(Gaslighting notwithstanding.)


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You have been separated for 2 years. What has changed that lead you to believe that it will work this time. My ex did this once, turns out she had hit a lull in the action and I was a safe and secure option. Eventually, she got unhappy again and moved on to another. None of this had anything to do with me, she was unhappy with herself and has gone from relationship to relationship. I moved on and have been happily married for many years, I suggest you should consider the same.


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