# How much is too much? When it comes to ill treatment



## RancyOza (Nov 24, 2008)

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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RancyOza said:


> Smashes or almost smashes things around. Threatens to smash many more, handles me roughly, does not beat me, but pushes me around, smashes my hand to his head or the wall etc. shouting that "why dont you beat me and end me and why dont you finish me if you dont want to live in peace?". I basically run around trying to shout and make sure that he does not really hurt himself. (He did smash a glass on his head once, in a similar fit of rage. )


The minute he starts any of this you need to leave the vicinity. And for awhile. He has anger issues that he needs counseling for. 

What do you do all day? Are you home a lot? do you have friends/family? 

I am in no way saying what he is doing is ok, but it does sound like you need him a lot. that absolutely does not excuse his abuse. what he is doing to you is abuse and you need to leave immediately when he starts. but, I think you need to work on taking care of some of your own emotional needs, and then go to him. i know it seems like your spouse should be the first person you go to, but ive found in my marriage that i go to my higher power first, exercise, then to this forum, then to family/friends, and then to my H. By that time my emotional jar is pretty full. I used to be a lot like you though. I used to need him a lot. and it is exhausting and draining on him. Learn to take care of your own emotional needs many other ways before going to him.


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## RancyOza (Nov 24, 2008)

Thanks so much for your quick response. I am gradually understanding now what you just said. Thanks for confirming my thoughts. I have a nice decent job, but recently I started working from home on the same job as my office is in a different city. We lived apart for 6 months due to this job. But are glad to be back together (most of the times). I do have friends, but none whom i can meet in week days. So basically you are right, even though I have friends etc, on a daily basis, I don't see people other than him. And this gets the best of me. Burdening him too much. 

Thanks for the support. Today having no other option, I vaguely googled on marriage stuff and found this forum! And I already have some nice strangers guiding me in the write direction!! 

It is amazing! Thanks so much!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

RancyOza said:


> Me and my husband are overall a happy couple. We've been married for 2 years and it has been mostly good. However once in a while, like once in a month or so. We have a major fight, which is not abnormal. All couples do i guess. But most of the times, I am the one asking for stuff. Asking for more attention, more pampering, more time etc. Practically though, I know he tries his best, works hard and does not do much without me if he can do it with me. But sometimes, my irrational side takes the best of me and I start complaining. May be asking for some kind of feeling from him, that he too should feel bad if he is too busy to spend time with me. Things like this go overboard, when he apologizes and tries to placate me for 15 - 20 mins and then resigns. And may be I have been so frustrated waiting for him, that its not enough for me and I keep pushing, or waiting for more, without moving on....
> 
> The worst part is now. He loses his temper completely. Smashes or almost smashes things around. Threatens to smash many more, handles me roughly, does not beat me, but pushes me around, smashes my hand to his head or the wall etc. shouting that "why dont you beat me and end me and why dont you finish me if you dont want to live in peace?". I basically run around trying to shout and make sure that he does not really hurt himself. (He did smash a glass on his head once, in a similar fit of rage. )
> 
> ...


you discribe a freaking nightmare. the fact that you tolerate it makes me believe that there is a cultural issue going on here. in america, this is 100 percent unacceptable. but i have known several bosnian immigrants who live like this. it's terrible. and you being made to feel like it's your fault is wrong too.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I just hope you can remember that when he goes into these tirades it is not your responsibility to make sure he doesnt hurt himself. He's a big boy, all growned up. If he doesnt want to hurt himself then he probably shouldnt be acting so retarded. Remember to take care of your own emotional well-being and please leave when he starts to freak out. 

I had to explain to my husband the other day that when i put up boundaries, and he feels me withdrawal, it is not because i dont love him or b/c i want out of the marriage. its because i want to stay in the marriage that i have to put up boundaries. If you allow your spouse to abuse you by staying around him and trying to protect him, your marriage will fail. its dysfunctional and you will feel trapped and feel your only solution is to leave entirely. but if you leave, let him deal with his issues, take care of yourself so you are in a better place, then your marriage has a chance.


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