# No time for sex



## BobbyHill (Aug 3, 2011)

After a bit of a break, my wife has returned to medical school. She's putting long hours and is always stressed. She's always short on sleep. There's just not enough hours in the days to get everything done.

She's never had much of a sex drive, but what little there is disappears when she's stressed.

We've been having sex about once a week. I feel like she's doing it more out of obligation than any actual desire on her part. A once a week quickie just isn't doing it for me.

I'm reticent to even bring it up with her, because I feel like I would just be adding another thing to her "to do" list. No pun 
intended. The last thing I want to do is stress her out even more.

At what point do you simply suck it up and just deal with a dry spell?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i dont feel once a week is not what i would consider terribly bad to begin with but with all she has going on at the moment, its probably not bad at all. i wouldnt want that all the time but to have a little consideration for what she is doing doesnt sound like to much. sounds like she is trying and like you say, stressing her more will only hurt your sex life even more.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

It sounds like your wife has a lot on her plate, but even so, she is still trying, so I give her credit for that.

Ages, how long married, kids?

Anything you can do to help relieve any stressors that exist around the house?

I would encourage her to try and look for ways to handle the stress - yoga, exercise, meditation. If she's going to med school, then she will need to learn to deal with stress in the long term, and you should be encouraging that.

You shouldn't, however, ignore your own needs over hers. Marriage is about both people. You should be able to express to her that you miss the intimacy you had before and would like to look at ways that you both could work together to relieve both her stress and bring you closer together.

Best wishes.


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## BobbyHill (Aug 3, 2011)

My wife and I are both in our early 30's. We've been married for about 6 and a half years and our two kids are 4 and 2.

My wife is putting in long hours. So I'm the one getting the kids up and taking them to daycare, and I'm the one picking them up. I'm also taking care of the lion's share of the cooking and cleaning, while also trying to maintain my own career. I'm not entirely comfortable with this sort of Mr Mom role, but I'm adapting. I work very hard to relieve my wife of as many responsibilities as possible so she can focus on school. I'm doing my best.

My wife is working very hard. And when she's less stressed our sex life is fine. But right now she's got no sex drive, and our sex life has been reduced to 15 minutes on Sunday morning while the kids pound on the bedroom door. Sunday morning is just about the only time of the week she has any free time. 

If this was a temporary situation I would just tough it out, but this is the "new norm."

I feel like I'm stuck. If I pressure her for more sex when she's not really interested / available he could end up resenting me for taking time away from studying/sleeping/etc. But if I just let this go I'm going to end up resenting her and her choice to pursue this career path.

I really want to support her, but I'm not willing to put my sex life on hold for the next 6 years.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

All I can say is make sure you keep that once on Sunday thing going. Do not let that start to slip.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What is happening is that you are bending over backwards to support your wife in her personal endevour to be a doctor. She is neglecting her home, her husband and her children. She will take exactly as much as you give her. And, as she is walking all over you, she will become less and less attracted to you as she will see you as a doormat. When she becomes a medical doctor, her schedule will get way worse.

I would really do some soul searching about how you personally want to live, and how you want your family to be. I personally could not see how a wife could become a doctor while at the same time being a good wife and mother.

You really have to assert your needs that your marriage and your wife needs to stay sexual.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Dude, she's going through MEDICAL SCHOOL. If she treats you well, is your definite long term partner, then you suck it up and wait for this period in your life to be over.

What I'd suggest is to add more romance to the mix. Get some flowers, candles, maybe some oil to rub on her back with some good music. I've noticed a lot of stressed out girls can't flick a switch and turn it on. Try to help her de-stress and I bet you end up getting more good sex.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it seems like sex is always the first thing to suffer in situations like this


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I personally could not see how a wife could become a doctor while at the same time being a good wife and mother.


I'm not trying to jump on you personally, Hicks, but I do disagree with this comment. While I am not a medical doctor, I have two female friends that are, and they are not only good doctors, but also good wives and mothers. So, it definitely can be done. I don't think it's right to try and deny a person a career choice just because they also happen to be a wife and mother.

A woman should be able to have the same options in life as a man - for a career, wife, and motherhood, just as a man does for a career, husband, and fatherhood. Does it mean that compromises and sacrifices need to be made by both parties? Absolutely. And, career choices/opportunities and childrearing are things that couples really need to discuss and agree on in their marriage and they require working together on, whether both spouses work or not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course you understand that doctors will ALWAYS have long long hours. It's part of what makes them doctors. So that aspect will never go away. She might end up not working a hundred hours a week but it's never going to be 40 either.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Enchantment, thanks for not attacking. I appreciate it.
As I stated, it is my opinion and may not be anybody else's opinion. My main point is the OP should not be afraid to know what he wants in his family situation without being brainwashed by society. In addition, his wife is already demonstrating plainly ways in which she is not being a good wife and mother. These demonstrated ways are she is not meeting his sexual needs, and he is doing all the waking up of kids, taking them to day care, picking them up, and the husband is doing the majority of the housework. 

I also think there is a world of difference between "becoming an doctor" and "being a doctor". I feel that the investment in ones career skills, male or female, is way harder and more time consuming than the actual career, which is why I don't see how a mother with a 4 year old and a 2 year old does all these roles successfully.

So do I believe in equality ? Absolutely. I believe women should work. But I don't believe either spouse's career choices should ever be so onerous as to get in the way of being good parents or good partners to their spouse. I also believe that ones choices in the past (i.e. to get married and produce children) limit the choices one has in the present. This is not male or female.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

BobbyHill;390072
My wife is putting in long hours. So I'm the one getting the kids up and taking them to daycare said:


> wait a second...
> you do this AND do you make it to work on time too?
> 
> i think the help you do is good if she shows true appreciation for it.
> ...


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I hate to be a drag but the fact your W decided it was a good idea to go to med school with two toddlers speaks volumes to me. 

For your sake I hope you don't end up as unpaid daddy daycare while she plans her new life. 

It is time to set some boundries. Your M comes 1st, period. Don't take any crap from her about the future this or that. You are married with kids NOW. Best of luck.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Bobby,

Did you both agree that going to med school with 2 kids under 4 was a good idea? The discussion should of happened then when she was thinking of going to school.

I'd hate to say it, you better just suck it up while she is in school. Its in your best interest to see that she succeeds in her new career. Either she will see your support in advancing her career, or you will be much better suing for divorce when she has a med license, and she can pay you a healthy alimony check. To ***** about it now, is really just water under the bridge.

Now IMHO, if you are getting once a week quickie, while she is a mom to two kids, in med school, possibly working its not so bad. Talk to some of us, who were/are married to Stay at home mom's with two young kids and were lucky to get what you got once a month. Oh yeah, my house was also a mess, and I still did my share of household chores.

Good luck and you just need to give it some time.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> wait a second...
> you do this AND do you make it to work on time too?
> 
> i think the help you do is good if she shows true appreciation for it.
> ...


That's some very good advice.


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