# He left me after 20 years



## alias2000 (Feb 9, 2018)

need some opinions from abroad 

I will post my long story later. 

My husband has left me after 20 years. 
It was because I had to work 150 miles away from home although my husband had enough money. I have always been working since university. In our marriage we were often separated and I didn't want to have that anymore after almost 20 years of marriage.
We had no defined ending with my current job, he said I have to work. I work in a very specialized industry and have no chance to change my job easily or I had to reeducate.

I always thought that it would be normal that a man wants his wife by his side. I did it for 3 years and got more and more depressed because of commuting and stress. Then he left me brutally one year ago after 20 years, because I complained too much after these 3 years.

I would like to know if it’s normal to have a long distance marriage w/o a defined (1 year, 3 years…) end when not really necessary. Is that normal abroad?
I always thought that a loving couple wants to be together, more than ever after 20 years.

****

Some points here:
My husband forced me to work 150 miles away although it was not necessary and we had enough money for the last 3 years in our marriage. He said after 18 years of relationship: If you don't have kids you can work.
I had NO affair, I fought against my feelings.
My husband didn't want to adopt kids


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alias2000 said:


> I would like to know if it’s normal to have a long distance marriage w/o a defined (1 year, 3 years…) end when not really necessary. Is that normal abroad?
> Could it be that he is an autistic person?
> Will he ever regret that he kicked me out of his life? He has not a lot of relationship experience and he wrote to me that he is looking for his dream wife.
> 
> Please no bad comment about this all, the situation is anyway as a not ending nightmare to me.


No, it's not normal to separate for 1-3 years, with no defined end or reconciliation date, unless such separation is required by law before filing the divorce papers or one of the marriage partners is in some kind of military/government service and sent away from their family. 

No, I don't think he is Autistic. I think he is just done and that's why he walked away. Your marriage sounds like it's been dead for a while. He's just the one burying it. 

He may regret it, he may not. One thing you do know is that he wants to look for his dream wife. Meaning you aren't his dream wife. That tells you everything.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Long distance marriage is hard. Sounds like he didn't want that anymore. Honestly I wouldn't do it either. I wonder if he made these feelings known to you before he ended the marriage?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Long distance marriage is hard. Sounds like he didn't want that anymore. Honestly I wouldn't do it either. I wonder if he made these feelings known to you before he ended the marriage?


She edited out the fact that she fell in love with another man during their time living separately, the part where she explains how much her husband wanted kids and her physical inability to carry to term, and the fact that he only wanted the property and house that necessitated living apart if there would be children. She also left out the part where she said that her husband literally told her that he was "looking for his dream wife" after he left. OP edited quite a bit of her original post.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

That's a lot to cut out...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> She edited out the fact that she fell in love with another man during their time living separately, the part where she explains how much her husband wanted kids and her physical inability to carry to term, and the fact that he only wanted the property and house that necessitated living apart if there would be children. She also left out the part where she said that her husband literally told her that he was "looking for his dream wife" after he left. OP edited quite a bit of her original post.


So she moved away and had an affair. They wanted kids but the terms of their deal ended at some point (I get that it may have been a physical problem but they still could have adopted.) Not sure why there would be a different outcome.

OP that was probably just too much for you husband to recover from.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

sokillme said:


> So she moved away and had an affair. They wanted kids but the terms of their deal ended at some point (I get that it may have been a physical problem but they still could have adopted.) Not sure why there would be a different outcome.
> 
> OP that was probably just too much for you husband to recover from.


From reading the entirety of the original unedited post, they met 20 years ago, married 12 years ago, he wanted land and a house for a family, but did not want such without children. She found and purchased the land, they began construction on the house, she had to work 150 miles away as there was no work in her field nearby and he didn't want her not working unless there were children to look after. Somewhere in all this, she became pregnant twice and miscarried twice. During the time they were living apart and had a "weekend marriage", she fell in love with another man. It was unclear if it was EA, PA, or both. Now, her H has left and told her he is seeking his dream wife.

Honestly, I get the impression that OP's inability to carry to term (not everyone is willing to adopt, many only want to raise a bio child) and emotional (at least) involvement with another man plus the distance and detachment during their time apart combined causing the demise of the marriage.


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