# trust issues



## sadwife86 (Jan 15, 2015)

my husband and I met each other, felt instant chemistry and got married at quite a young age. We got into a huge fight that not only involved us but our family and friends too. It got so toxic that I thought he was fed up with my over reactions and I moved away from him. Thinking my relationship was over I turned into my usual post break up habits of hooking up, they meant absolutely nothing for me emotionally, which I think would be a million times worst. Now trying to mend my relationship with him seems to be difficult but we made a commitment to each other and I am commited to the relationship. I just dont know how to show him my level of commitment. Any advice, should I wait for him to come around when he's ready to forgive or should I do a gesture of love?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sadwife86 said:


> my husband and I met each other, felt instant chemistry and got married at quite a young age. We got into a huge fight that not only involved us but our family and friends too. It got so toxic that I thought he was fed up with my over reactions and I moved away from him. Thinking my relationship was over I turned into my usual post break up habits of hooking up, they meant absolutely nothing for me emotionally, which I think would be a million times worst. Now trying to mend my relationship with him seems to be difficult but we made a commitment to each other and I am commited to the relationship. I just dont know how to show him my level of commitment. Any advice, should I wait for him to come around when he's ready to forgive or should I do a gesture of love?


Oh boy.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

sadwife86 said:


> my husband and I met each other, felt instant chemistry and got married at quite a young age. We got into a huge fight that not only involved us but our family and friends too. It got so toxic that I thought he was fed up with my over reactions and I moved away from him. Thinking my relationship was over I turned into my usual post break up habits of hooking up, they meant absolutely nothing for me emotionally, which I think would be a million times worst. Now trying to mend my relationship with him seems to be difficult but we made a commitment to each other and I am commited to the relationship. I just dont know how to show him my level of commitment. Any advice, should I wait for him to come around when he's ready to forgive or should I do a gesture of love?


Is he having second thoughts about the relationship? You can try doing a gesture of love but you also have to respect his boundaries. If he is not interested in seeing you or has told you that he is not interested in having you express love at the moment you need to respect that. He may decide that he would like to work on your relationship but he may also decide that he cannot live with the fact that you cheated on him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Banging a bunch of guys while married doesn't mean much to you?

You are not ready for marriage.

Might want to move this to the CWI section.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Hooking up with other guys means different thing to us all. 

But you walked out and slammed door behind you with other guys. If you want that door to open again you better strap in tight for a rough ride your words a “gesture” will not heal that hurt in any way if your real and want it to work get ready for a lot of hard work rebuilding trust and understanding together. It can be done but your going to have to work hard at it and even settle family fight that caused it to start with so it don’t come back to bite you. 

Gesture has to be every breath and word you say in everything you do for years no quick fix on this so dig in, a tumble in bed wont sort this don’t matter if you’re dynamite at your best. Things like this are deep layer stuff all need to be looked at.

As I say can be done so go for it. Please try, as for me no suggestion I can give never been there.

You know your H better than any one so you know a deal he would go for but if you strike a deal stick to every letter of it at every moment


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You show your commitment through actions. As does he.

If you are both committed to the marriage, get to the root of your problems and work it out. Try counselling, read some marital books, spend time together. Be on the same page.

Many couples who separate "hook up with others." Some get together and work it out. Some don't. No two couples are the same.

Good luck.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This one is easy.

Companionship - spend MOST of your time with him, doing things or just being around.

Commitment - show him with action that HE is the one, not your family/friends or other people. AKA, make him YOUR priority

Compromise - you can't always get your way. Compromise on some things, and he should be as well.

Reset will fall into place.

Another piece you really need to work on HARD (especially at a young age) is Communication. The 4th and one of the most important C's in the relationship. Make sure you guys communicate and both deal with issues or any resentment you guys might have. To help this, set fighting rules and go by them (no screaming, yelling, Anger, name calling, defensiveness). Your goal is to create a healthy environment where 2 adults can come to a table and discuss ANYTHING. Focus on issue at hand and do not go off track and bring up the past or play the back and forth blame game.

Everything above are your recipes for healthy/long lasting relationship.

Good luck


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sadwife86 said:


> I just dont know how to show him my level of commitment.


It's not clear to me how long you were gone when you moved away. Did you agree that neither of you would date or sleep with other people? Or did you never have that discussion? Because that makes a HUGE difference in how he feels about it. And are you actually back together yet, or still hoping he'll come back? We need more details. 

Since you say it's a pattern with you, I would suggest counseling to find out why you feel the need to have impulsive sex with other people during the post-breakup period. Having sex with other men because you're mad at hubs doesn't really demonstrate commitment in a traditional sense.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Having sex with other men because you're mad at hubs doesn't really demonstrate commitment in a traditional sense.


Understatement of the year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's very possible her husband slept with other people, too.

Not sure why this place lambasts so many people without knowing all the facts. 

Her post is seeking to find out how they can work it out.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The title of the thread is trust issues. That's going to be at the very heart of any reconciliation that happens after sleeping around.

Yes Jelly, it's possible that her husband slept around too. It's also possible he's Fidel Castro. All we know is what we've been told, so that's what we have to operate by.

OP, before you even attempt to reconcile, you need to come clean about the sleeping around with your husband. It may not be a big deal to YOU, but it probably will be a huge deal to him. If you spend a bunch of time and effort trying to work through the fight you guys had, only for him to find out you were banging a bunch of strange D on the side, you'll be right back where you are right now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> All we know is what we've been told, so that's what we have to operate by.


Word.


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## sadwife86 (Jan 15, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> It's not clear to me how long you were gone when you moved away. Did you agree that neither of you would date or sleep with other people? Or did you never have that discussion? Because that makes a HUGE difference in how he feels about it. And are you actually back together yet, or still hoping he'll come back? We need more details.
> 
> Since you say it's a pattern with you, I would suggest counseling to find out why you feel the need to have impulsive sex with other people during the post-breakup period. Having sex with other men because you're mad at hubs doesn't really demonstrate commitment in a traditional sense.


I was gone for many months and no it was never made clear to me that we would not date other people. I was under the impression he wanted a divorce because I did not meet his expectations of who he thought he married. As far as I knew we were done and I had honestly given up on love. It was not until I moved out to attempt to start a fresh life that I realized that some people that were in my new life were all too aware of my past relationship, instead of being put in a nurturing environment I was in a very hostile environment. By the time I realized that it was much too late and I had to leave my new life. I am left alone and my husband has cut me off of any financial help. I know he wants to work things out with me and is a patient person but I cant help but be stressed out with all of these payments that are due.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you may need to share the long story, instead of trickling things out... 

C


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## sadwife86 (Jan 15, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> The title of the thread is trust issues. That's going to be at the very heart of any reconciliation that happens after sleeping around.
> 
> Yes Jelly, it's possible that her husband slept around too. It's also possible he's Fidel Castro. All we know is what we've been told, so that's what we have to operate by.
> 
> OP, before you even attempt to reconcile, you need to come clean about the sleeping around with your husband. It may not be a big deal to YOU, but it probably will be a huge deal to him. If you spend a bunch of time and effort trying to work through the fight you guys had, only for him to find out you were banging a bunch of strange D on the side, you'll be right back where you are right now.


Yes He did sleep around too, before meeting each other we were both in love with other people that were much safer and easier to be with. When we got in the fight that started the whole mess is when I said to myself "we're too different, this isn't going to work" I have apologized to him already and asked him to acknowledge where I was coming from. 
One huge issue I had with him is that he would check my phone and emails and even had his friends go to the places I went out with my friends. Sometimes I feel that being with him is too much pressure, btw I do think he is Fidel Castro. lol


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