# What can you do when another man is moving in on your wife?



## Atholk

I'm not having any particular issue on this front in my own marriage, but I keep seeing this issue cropping up in multiple threads and would like to know how to offer better advice. It seems to come in a couple of basic forms.

1. The boss / co-worker expressing lots of interest.

2. The old friend / Facebook guy.

Pointedly, the wife seems to start getting hooked into the relationship.

So here is the general question. When another guy is obviously seeking to seduce your wife - and I don't mean just mild occassional flirting, but obviously trying to progress things towards the bedroom - what can a husband do to intervene effectively?


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## HappyHer

Hey Atholk! I read your blog - it's awesome! I'd love to do some work with you someday.

I would say if another man, or woman is moving in on your partner, then you should take it up with your partner. If your partner isn't willing to create a comfortable distance and stand up for the stability of the marriage - that's where the problem is, not with other people.

Of course, you could also pursue a friendship with the "intruder". You've heard the saying "Keep your friends closer and your enemies closer". "Old Facebook Friend" isn't going to feel so hot pursuing your wife when you've sent a friend request to him and are commenting on his comments, etc..., the same with the boss/co-worker - show up out of the blue and surprise them all with lunch. Not only will you get to be seen as a "great guy" to be so supportive of his wife's work, you'll be able to scope things out a little up close for yourself - which is always helpful.

Also, make sure your keeping your partner satisfied and busy doing things with you that will keep their mind off whatever it is they might be getting from that outsider.

Hope that helps!


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## Atholk

What if other male is fairly assertive and simply does not give a damn about the husband good guy or not. And the wife is starting to get attracted to the other man.

Other than asking the wife to not get involved, what can the husband do? I'm not sure friendship is the answer. Plenty of guys have their "best friend" be the one the wife cheats with.


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## artieb

Invite the guy over to your house. Give him the tour of the yard and the garage and the shed and so on. Point out where you put your initials in the wet concrete and the tree you planted on your tenth wedding anniversary. When you get to the shed, point over in the corner and say "Oh, now, you have be really careful with that. That's a wood chipper, and anything that falls in there *disappears forever*, permanently and untraceably." Look him straight in the face while you say this part. Don't smile.


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## Remus

I've run into this a few times. Not the part where my wife gets hooked on the attention though. 

I have been blessed with an incredible wife. She is very smart and also physically hott. She is also very outgoing and works in a field where personal magnetism is very much required. So people come onto her. 9 times out of 10 she can handle it on her own. So can I. But we always tell each other.

For us it all comes down to communication and trust. We talk A LOT. and have made a conscious decision to be as transparent as possible with each other. She tells me when people flirt with her. and I do the same. We also make sure that the people at her job and mine know us as a couple.

The last man to be real persistent with her was a co-worker. Did she enjoy the attention? Sure, who doesn't. But she and I know our boundaries and stick to them. And if something carries on we do what we can to keep ourselves out of the situation.

In his case the normal things did not seem to work so she made sure to introduce me to him every chance we got. We were openly affectionate with each other in front of him. Holding hands, little pecks sort of thing. Nothing publicly inappropriate, just 2 people in mushy love with each other. Which we are  She had to be careful with it because he outranked her in the firm.

In the end it did escalate and we had to humiliate him in front of his wife and peers at the Christmas party. My wife got a promotion for that!


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## Deejo

We are simple creatures. If another man has designs on your wife, he is pursuing the pleasure principle; the hunt, the thrill, the win, the attention, the sex.

Wreck that equation. Make the pursuit and conquest have a pain quotient, and odds are he will move on. Remus' case is a perfect example.

And of course when all else fails, there is always the scorched earth policy. I've thought about this one on numerous occasions.

In terms of scorched earth I mean being a spoiler, not harming anyone - although I would also not rule out a good 'ol Mexican standoff. I mean that your relationship is over, but taking whatever steps or actions are required to all but assure that they cannot transition the affair into mainstream, respectable relationship.


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## Dryden

Honestly, my gut reaction is that if another dude starts making moves on my wife, my fists will be making moves on his face.


The more rational answer would be to sit down and discuss it with my wife. Make sure that she's not promoting the attention she's getting from the individual and ensure that everything is still kosher between us and that our relationship is solid.

Following that would be a 3 strike system:

The offender already has one strike, so I would think my wife would inform them that their attention is unwanted and demand that it stop.

If the behavior continues, that's strike two. I would confront the individual and inform him that his behavior is unwanted, that I am well informed of it, and that he has one strike left.

If the behavior STILL continues, Strike three. I would kick the ever-loving $#!+ out of him


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## OhGeesh

IMO, it lies 100% with the partner!! He or in this scenario "she" should make it clear where her heart lies. If after repeated attmempts by the other party to still coerce her for something more she should end the friendship.

My wife has people that hit on her all the time and I'm very "unjealous" but she is clear as day with all of them.

If your taking care of things at home physical, emotional, financial most women don't want to stray nor do most men.

I guess if your saying "she is feeling attracted" I don't know I guess it's how much information you have and how much access you have to the "man friend".

I would protect my wife/life, but again if she's getting interested it's a "partner" issue. She/he should be able to get hit on day in and day out and be fine with it.


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## nice777guy

OhGeesh said:


> IMO, it lies 100% with the partner!!


I'm 98% in agreement. If your wife begins feeling harassed, then you need to do something a bit more drastic.

The "Facebook" guy can be "unfriended." The boss - talk to HR.

And other guys can get their asses kicked.

As with most above though, my wife is the one I have to live with and she's the one that I would need to trust.


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## Deejo

My bit is functioning under the notion that your partner is successfully being lured away.

It's a two front battle. Nobody decides to cheat out of the blue - the groundwork is set between you and your partner long before Mr. Scoop comes along. And lets face it, if the relationship issues don't get sorted out, it won't matter how many suitors you have to fend off ... you've lost.

I think we get caught up in the idea of civility and appropriateness, which is why it's easier to be furious about another man moving in on your partner - but instead try to shore up the relationship. My opinion is, at this point you are already too late, and quite possibly, you are better off going after TOM in an effort to squelch any blossoming romance.

I don't want to get into the whole alpha/beta thing, but there is a lot to be said for being assertive and unafraid of confrontation. Confrontation needn't mean an ass-kicking either.

At the good old evolutionary level, I don't doubt that your partner would raise a stink if you make it clear that you are going to confront the other man. But ... actually doing so, sends a very clear message, and one that despite her protests, at some level is going to change her perception of you.


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## Atholk

Thanks for replies.


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## momof6girls

as a wife i wanted to chim in... i am red head and may have said they could never tell i had kids... ok that is me.

now there was a guy single that was riding motorcyles with our group... he is 5 years younger than myself (my husband is 5 years older than me) and he started well little hints that he like me, that my hubby was not treating me right, and well that stuff...

i let him know i was ok happy with my marriage and yes not all perfect but neither was i... general talk. he text me nice jokes and basic ride information.. then he started showing up EVERY where i was and i even changed my phone number but he got it again... where from my HUBBY... and when hubby went fishing only time i ever have my time no hubby no kids... i clean in the day and sit in hot tub with wine and have me time.... HE showed up.. yep found out from my hubby he was away..

now i told my hubby (and not wanting him to go all ape on him) that he was getting to close and i was not comfortable with it... my hubby smiled and said "he is a guy and your hot" you will handle it...??

anyway 3 years later... when the single guy is dating it cools off but as soon as he is single again then back to letting me know he is there to catch me if i fall...and he even told me one night he loved me the girl he was dating was there and she went a wall him and flipped out and she went to my hubby... ok now hubby mad.... but AT ME... for not handling it.

ok my hubby don't have all the hair he use to, he gained weight and he has to take pills (age) but i still love him but the old him 3 years ago would of kicked the snot out of this guy not give him my NEW NUMBER...?? i even pointed out that to him that he gave him the who what and where to keep in touch with me... 

ok i cut ties with the guy all together... i made it known i will not take it i am tired of it... my phone has been quiet for 3 months.. nice... but every time my hubby gets to drinking some he says so how is you boy friend doing... mmmm i hear he is single or he took a job right down the street from where we live... or what ever and i say... ?? you know more than me maybe he is your boyfriend... then i found out he has been talking to him.... about bikes and cars and stuff...

can't he see this guy just getting info on our lives....

sorry i wanted to answer your question... talk to your wife... or lady if she is aware of the man and thinks she can handle then great give her that she is adult... but let her know when she needs you to back her up you will... then show him the shredder in the yard....


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## lastinline

I think a lot of it has to do with how you feel about and value your wife. In my own personal case, I would never hurt a "thief" who was trying to "steal my trash". Go ahead take her. It'll save me a fortune in alimony.

LIL


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## Atholk

lastinline said:


> I think a lot of it has to do with how you feel about and value your wife. In my own personal case, I would never hurt a "thief" who was trying to "steal my trash". Go ahead take her. It'll save me a fortune in alimony.
> 
> LIL


In Connecticut we put our oversized unwanted non-trash items on the side of the outside our house to get rid of them. Maybe that would work for you LIL.

We got rid of a cat pee soaked sofa one night like that. We sat inside the house mouths covered as they loaded up and then roared with laughter as they drove away.


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## momof6girls

some people will take anything.. that is to funny


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## MarriedinVegas

My wife is ALWYAS having guys come onto her. 
She tends to deal with it in this way.
Informs the guy every chance she gets that her AND I would love to accept his invitation to dinner and ask if his girlfriend will be attending also.
She also plays stupid to the flirtations and starts to talk about our fun vacations together and how we got married in Las Vegas and go back every 2 to 3 years and how we got married very young but its ok because we are really in love.
She also brags about how lucky she is to have a husband who has no problem cleaning the entire house from top to bottom or make a dinner that Gordon Ramsey would eat.
She also will tell jokes to the guys and let them know that I told them to her.
So basically there is nothing I NEED to do about the situation as she does a lot of premptive strikes and fills me in on the details.
I know of about 20 guys that have tried to "steal" her away from me or even just have sex with her. Plus a few girls too.
We also show a lot of affection to each other all the time, whenever were at parties she will sit on my lap and put her arms around me and just sit there and continue a conversation with someone else. Everybody comments on how we are the most inlove couple.
So the way to deal with these guys is like someone said earlier, UNITED FRONT.


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## MEM2020

This is perfect. 




MarriedinVegas said:


> My wife is ALWYAS having guys come onto her.
> She tends to deal with it in this way.
> Informs the guy every chance she gets that her AND I would love to accept his invitation to dinner and ask if his girlfriend will be attending also.
> She also plays stupid to the flirtations and starts to talk about our fun vacations together and how we got married in Las Vegas and go back every 2 to 3 years and how we got married very young but its ok because we are really in love.
> She also brags about how lucky she is to have a husband who has no problem cleaning the entire house from top to bottom or make a dinner that Gordon Ramsey would eat.
> She also will tell jokes to the guys and let them know that I told them to her.
> So basically there is nothing I NEED to do about the situation as she does a lot of premptive strikes and fills me in on the details.
> I know of about 20 guys that have tried to "steal" her away from me or even just have sex with her. Plus a few girls too.
> We also show a lot of affection to each other all the time, whenever were at parties she will sit on my lap and put her arms around me and just sit there and continue a conversation with someone else. Everybody comments on how we are the most inlove couple.
> So the way to deal with these guys is like someone said earlier, UNITED FRONT.


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## AJ2010

I agree with Dryden, and in fact have been through the 2nd step. My wife asked her co-worker to stop contacting her outside of work and he didn't. So I called him, told him who I was, and that if I saw any more contact from him AT ALL outside of their work, he would have to deal with me personally. I think he got the idea.
I'm used to people hitting on my wife. She's young, hot, and a super nice person most of the time. I'm completely ok with guys hitting on her, as long as they know to back off once she tells them she's married. If they continue after that, then it becomes an issue where that man is threatening my family and my marriage, and I will be forced to take action!
Just my 2 cents.


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## SimplyAmorous

HappyHer said:


> I would say if another man, or woman is moving in on your partner, then you should take it up with your partner. If your partner isn't willing to create a comfortable distance and stand up for the stability of the marriage - that's where the problem is, not with other people.
> 
> Of course, you could also pursue a friendship with the "intruder". You've heard the saying "Keep your friends closer and your enemies closer". "Old Facebook Friend" isn't going to feel so hot pursuing your wife when you've sent a friend request to him and are commenting on his comments, etc..., the same with the boss/co-worker - show up out of the blue and surprise them all with lunch. Not only will you get to be seen as a "great guy" to be so supportive of his wife's work, you'll be able to scope things out a little up close for yourself - which is always helpful.
> 
> Also, make sure your keeping your partner satisfied and busy doing things with you that will keep their mind off whatever it is they might be getting from that outsider.


 * Absolutely PERFECT advice!!* :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## [email protected]

Hey! I have had a couple issues with this in the recent past. Here is my problem.....

My wife and i dated for four years and we got married in febuary 2010. I love my wife and think the world of her! During our relationship i was in a band and really liked to party and hang with my friends, While i was doing this she usually went out with a couple of her girlfriends and this "guy" that was my friend and i really trusted him to look after her. In the end, We seperated after four months of marriage due to issues with me not paying enough attension to her, not making enough money, and generally being an idiot. In the mean time, this "guy" Moved in on her and was very successful. I regret giving him space at all. She had called me once and was crying, said that he was being mean to her and abusing her so i confronted him and i thought this was going to be the last time, (to be clear, we are still seperated at this certain point in time) But it was not. I went to visit her shortly after that and guess who was at her house! "guy". I lost it and showed my crazy side. After all this, he eventually left her alone and she has stopped talking to him and changed her number and what not. A few months down the road and we have been hanging out again quite a bit and i have been helping her move and supporting her financially and in any way i can! everything has been going great but i believe there is still some trust issues for eachother. Trying to rebuild trust for eachother is a hard thing to do but were trying. She has not been vocal about getting back together or if she still has feelings for me but i think if i show her that i am changed she will come back. Back to the "guy" issue, I was helping her move the other day and i know she has been making new friends and some are guys but i noticed her phone on the counter and it said there was a new text from "other guy". I know that shes told me she doesnt have a new boyfriend and that shes not interested in anyone but how do i keep from blowing up and asking her about this "other guy" and showing my insecurity and try to get this "other guy" out of the picture? it has been hard not to bring it up but i know that he likes her. now that were hanging out again it is great but i always feel so helpless when there are other guys persuing her along with myself! i feel like i have to out do "other guy" because he seems very successful and "alpha male" if you will. What should i do?


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## pecos

talk about it with her! brushing things under the rug never result in anything good. be open -- the facebook thing is hard -- because internet gets secretive. it's not in the open. talk to her!


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros

Leaving it all up to her is going to fail eventually, so I'm not sure if this is the best course of action. In my situation, there are times when she gets hit on. I know that I can't compete with many of those guys. Guess I'll just have to bash someone's head in when I lose my self control. Seriously.


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## Locard

My wife works with about 200 guys everyday. She is the only woman (engineer). Not being a ho, she probably comes across as cold to people. I really don't worry about her there. Funny thing is in past relationships I did have jealousy, probably because they were that type. 

It helps that everyone there knows who I am and what I do for work. No problems!


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## unbelievable

If another man lures your wife away, you haven't lost anything worth keeping and all he's gained is a liar and a cheat. Such a man isn't your enemy. He's your blessing in disguise. If he's successful, you owe him annual "thank you" cards for the rest of your life. The best way to deal with infidelity is to let the two losers have each other. If she wasn't encouraging his advances but he persisted anyway, I might break a kneecap or two, but that's not the OP's situation.


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## RandomDude

I'm kinda used to it by now, I just figured it's her own responsibility if she cheats, and if she does - I WANT IN ON THE 3-ACTION lol. Meh, anyways I either trust the missus or I don't. But that's just me.



> If another man lures your wife away, you haven't lost anything worth keeping and all he's gained is a liar and a cheat. Such a man isn't your enemy. He's your blessing in disguise. If he's successful, you owe him annual "thank you" cards for the rest of your life. The best way to deal with infidelity is to let the two losers have each other.


Agreed.



> If she wasn't encouraging his advances but he persisted anyway, I might break a kneecap or two, but that's not the OP's situation.


A few hours in my garage with my 'toys' would be better


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## OhGeesh

Imo everything is a bandaid. Your wife like my wife should "Shut any advances down!!" My wife does she gets hit on and it goes nowhere. Your wife should be handling this......guys hit on women.....that's the way it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zulu

Dryden said:


> I would kick the ever-loving $#!+ out of him


I like the way Canadians think.....


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## corbzy

good luck beating up someone bigger and stronger than you - most likely these men are fit strong gym men - fighters - who dont have much fat and work out every day - your wife doent just like the guy bro - she digs his body too and feel she is more protected with him - be careful when you try and swing your fists at something that hits back


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread.. the OP has not been on TAM for 7 years. I'm locking this thread.


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