# High school sweethearts gone south...



## WFK (Apr 24, 2012)

A little background: My husband and I started dating on my 16th birthday, got married when I was 21 and we are coming up on our 4th anniversary this summer. Despite the fact that our friends and family have always seen us as the perfect couple, we've had problems off and on for a very long time. He never wanted to leave the house, didn't try and make friends when we moved states, was just constantly unhappy no matter what I tried, all while insisting he was happy. One of the biggest problems was sex. On more than one occasion I have tried to initiate sex, been turned down, only to find him pleasuring himself alone about 10 minutes later (and since this is often brought up: No, I haven't put on weight since we got married). A few years of that happening really destroyed my sense of self worth. 

We have now been separated for about 5 months. 

I'm pretty certain things are over, and have felt that way for awhile, but he has really been trying (started eating healthier and working out, lost about 30 lbs, sort of developed a hobby) and I feel like terrible for thinking it is over so I have agreed to try and start 'dating.' We had a few long phone conversations. Small talk and talk about family and work come pretty easily. So we set up a date, I suggested he grill and I would bring the wine. I was really trying to make this feel like a real date. 
Sadly I just felt awkward the whole time. We talked, shared stories about our Easter holidays (which were spent apart). When I left he kissed me, and I let him because I honestly wanted to know if I would feel anything, but I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. I just sort of wanted it to be over. I feel terrible now because it probably seems to him like it all went well because I kissed him, but really as soon as I pulled away in my car I started crying because I feel nothing for him anymore. 

So my questions are, if I still feel nothing after this long, does it mean its over? Or is it worth trying for longer? Or am I just prolonging this rather painful arrangement?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you feel NOTHING, then it's over.

Your husband sounds like he was depressed (wouldn't leave the house, didn't want to make friends, etc.) and somewhat emotionally immature (would rather masturbate than make love with you.)

YOU can't fix him. Sounds like he's doing better on his own (for whatever reason). Keep moving forward in YOUR life and make it clear that YOU ARE DONE. No vacillating, no if only's. The sooner you make it clear that YOU FEEL NOTHING, the sooner HE will be able to move on. It is kinder to both of you in the long-run.


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## newpath2012 (Apr 25, 2012)

Oh honey, your heart just told you the answer. Please listen. I didn't... we started out the same way as you (high school sweethearts)... 23 years and 3 kids later there is so much heartbreak because he only ever loved himself. I never really felt anything from him emotionally.

If you feel nothing then please move on...you owe it to your future children to give them the best dad you can find, and you definitely need to love him with all your heart. Good Luck


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## WFK (Apr 24, 2012)

Thank you both. 
And newpath2012, one of the things I have considered is that I don't want to keep plodding along like everything is okay then reach the point where I can't take anymore after there are kids involved, so you're situation kind of hits home. 
I guess I just needed to have someone other than the voice in my head tell me that. Its hard talking to my family about this because from the outside (superficially) he was the perfect husband (has a job, doesn't really get angry, gets along relatively well with my family) so they haven't been able to really listen objectively. 
I know I need to be a little selfish and end it, even though its going to hurt him now. In the long run I'm sure it'll be better for the both of us.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry you are here. It sucks and I wish you could work it out, but if it's over, it's over.

You are 25...most people change SO MUCH from 20 to 25...which is why marriage isn't recommended. 

It will hurt him now, OR maybe it can turn things around. You may feel nothing because you only see what he is now.

Best thing is to bring this to the light. Just spit it out.


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## newpath2012 (Apr 25, 2012)

WFK...good luck with your decision...I know it must be hard, but I really think we are given these 'points of decision' in life purposely to challenge us and we need to have the strength and faith to follow our hearts whispers... I think that always leads to a better place. I wish I had understood that at 21!!


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