# please help.



## Jac_2018 (Jan 26, 2018)

Hi All.

Now i know there are a lot of posts similar so mine but i feel that i just want to share my story and hopefully get so clarity on how to deal with it.

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 1. Now i know that sex is good in all new relationships and our were too. we had sex about 2 to 3 times per week. But it started getting less and less by a lot after being together for about a year and we were having sex 2 to 3 times per month. now to me sex in a relationship/marriage is very important because its the one thing that we do together that we dont do with anyone else. so its a special moment for me that keeps me close to my wife and the reassurance that she still loves me and are still sexually attracted to me.

No we have a 4 year old son and only got married about a year and half ago. about 8 months ago i had a suspicion that my wife could be cheating on me and it was driving me crazy. all i wanted to do was to find out if she is and wouldn't care to what lengths i had to go to find out. So one evening when she was in the shower i took her phone and loaded her whats app on my laptop. the next morning when she left for work i logged into her whats app and i was shocked. she was cheating on me with her team leader who is also married and also has a son of 4 years old. At first i didnt let her know that i know and sough all the messages they send to each other throughout the whole day. I eventually decided to let her know that i know she is cheating on me but didnt tell her how i know and told her that i have proof. So for most of the day i was reading the messages trying to figure out how i know or am i just bluffing. there was things like " I love you" , "Its harder for me to loose you than loosing Jac". stuff like that. I then decided to make contact with his wife via facebook and told her everything and emailed her all the screen shots. i found this out 2 days before our 1 year wedding anniversary. 

to cut a long story short.

we stayed together and she claimed that what happened wasn't meant to happen and they just confided in each other and it went to far. I on the other think about it everyday and it eats be. when i want to talk about it she says that i will never forget about it if i constantly want to talk about it. i mean hello. i have questions that needs to be answered. Am i not entitled to that.



no coming back to our sex lives.

she wanted another baby and i agreed to it cause i'm nice guy and wants to keep my wife happy. she baught an ovulation test and we had sex like 3 times a day until she fell pregnant. no that shes pregant we dont have sex. i feel used. did she just wanted to have sex because she wanted what she wanted. what about me? what about my needs? does that not matter?

please help!!!!! what should i do? talking doesnt help. it just creates friction in the house.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sorry. 


She isn't sorry or remorseful shes just sorry she got caught.

What abour her affair partner? Did he stay married?

Why why why would you have another baby? Thats was not very smart. 

Ugg .

Sorry


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Uggh. You should have posted here much earlier, when you first discovered she was cheating. Was it physical as well?
Your biggest mistake was that you had another baby with her. That's irresponsible to a new life. But I guess most people don't know much about cheating, what it means and how to survive it afterwards. You mistook her wanting to have another baby for a sign that she wants you or loves you. Babies don't fix anything.




Jac_2018 said:


> Hi All.
> 
> Now i know there are a lot of posts similar so mine but i feel that i just want to share my story and hopefully get so clarity on how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


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## Jac_2018 (Jan 26, 2018)

Hi.

He stayed with his partner and they too are expecting....lol. as far as i know it waas just kissing and no sex.... I realize now that having another baby was a very big mistake on my part..... not sure what to do now though. dont want to leave her with 2 kids and i do still love her very much.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Jac, did your wife give you any warning or hints of something not being right with your marriage (not that it would excuse her cheating)?


From what I read here, your wife:




is adept at lying and cheating;


will put her affairs (and there could easily be more) before you and the well being of her marriage;


is very disrespectful;


is not remorseful (this would have gone on if you had not caught her);


has probably done more than "just kissing" with this guy;


has probably done this before (maybe with others);


does not love you (it would be much harder to give up AP than you comment);


wants her children to have the same biological father before moving on;


is not who you are in love with - you are in love with your idea of who she was;


is playing you left, right and centre - she should be forthcoming with ALL info, bending over backwards to convince you; being totally transparent and honest in answering your questions at any time etc.

She needs to take a polygraph to make sure that she did not do more than kissing, the details she has given are correct and that she has not done this before. You need to stay in touch with the AP's wife to make sure you are both up to date on keeping an eye on the two of them. The truth is that you will never trust her fully again. It is a shame that you had another child with her because this is not going to end well.

The best that you can do is to protect yourself and your kids. Why did the other wife take the POS back and then go on to have a baby with him ?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jac_2018 said:


> Hi.
> 
> He stayed with his partner and they too are expecting....lol. *as far as i know it waas just kissing and no sex*.... I realize now that having another baby was a very big mistake on my part..... not sure what to do now though. dont want to leave her with 2 kids and i do still love her very much.


Guess again. 

Otherwise, she wouldn't make the comment about rather losing you than him.

Are you sure it's over? Do they still interact?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, they had sex. Just accept that as truth.

Second, she confesses, quits her job (and gets another), and commits to 100% complete transparency in all things going forward, or you divorce.

And that’s AFTER you’ve confirmed — via DNA-based paternity testing — that the kid she’s carrying is indeed yours. (I’d DNA the older kid as well.)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, it was a sexual affair. You rolled over so now you've got what you got.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

did you confront the OM wife ? did you show her what they said to each other?
i am guessing it went underground and they are still in communicates 
i wish you came here sooner...and btw never ever believe what a cheater says


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Oh yeah! They just kissed. You just need to ask yourself where she was kissing him and how many times a day. Did she even brush her teeth before coming home and giving you a big kiss or did she like knowing that she still had him on her breath? Think about that the next time you kiss. Let go of this slag and move on.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Lawyer up. You want to get out of this on the best terms possible for you and your children.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am SO sorry you are here sweetheart!!!! 

Does she still work with this man?!? That has to end immediately. 

Nothing to be done about the pregnancy...so stop beating yourself up over the unfixable things, when there are things you can fix.

Polygraph without a doubt. You need the truth, and I’m with everybody else on this that they had sex. You’ll probably get a parking lot confession. 

People do forgive and go on to lead decent lives together. You have a hard road ahead of you, with a lot of difficult decisions to make. 

All my best to you and your babies...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Like the others, I am sorry this happened to you.

You really did just about everything wrong. Yes, it is unfortunate you didn’t come here when you first discovered she was having an affair.

You should have realized there was a big problem before that, but such is life.

So you can kick yourself over mistakes. If that helps you get stronger it might help.


Here is what I see:

Your wife used you to get pregnant again. 

She doesn’t care about you.

Her affair was a physical affair with lots of hot sweaty sex. 

She did things for him she will never do for you.

Your wife will cheat again with no remorse. She will hide her future affairs better.

Your feelings mean nothing to your wife. 

She knows you are too weak to leave her so she knows she is completely free to have sex with all her boy toys and steal your money to pay for her food and shelter.

Please be well.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> First, they had sex. Just accept that as truth.
> 
> Second, she confesses, quits her job (and gets another), and commits to 100% complete transparency in all things going forward, or you divorce.
> 
> And that’s AFTER you’ve confirmed — via DNA-based paternity testing — that the kid she’s carrying is indeed yours. (I’d DNA the older kid as well.)


Gotta agree with everything Gus said above. It wouldn't be the first time we've seen a conniving WW get pregnant by OM and then throw all kind of sex BH's way to make him think he is the father. 

It is my understanding there are methods to DNA the child before it is born. 

I know its a touchy subject, but is it too late to legally get an abortion?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

You have to understand that you are now in charge of your own life.

If you want/need sex in your relationship, you have to let your "wife" know where you stand.

It will up to your wife if she is one to provide what you want/need in a relationship. If not, I am sure you can do better than someone who has already cheated on you.

Now I do feel that """sometimes""" a cheater can reform and you can move forward in a relationship - but is the work required going to be worth it for the relationship you eventually get.

Take a step back and think about where you are and what you want out of life.

You can be a perfectly great father while not being in a relationship with the child's mother.

Good luck.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Jac_2018 said:


> Hi.
> 
> as far as i know it waas just kissing and no sex....


I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but the "just kissing and no sex" comment shows that you have a lot to learn. It's a very common story: cheating spouse says that they only kissed and then the betrayed spouse is quick to believe those ridiculous words because it temporarily eases the emotional pain.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> Gotta agree with everything Gus said above. It wouldn't be the first time we've seen a conniving WW get pregnant by OM and then throw all kind of sex BH's way to make him think he is the father.
> 
> It is my understanding there are methods to DNA the child before it is born.
> 
> I know its a touchy subject, but is it too late to legally get an abortion?


The problem is that that very possible and very ugly reality is just too much for the OP to handle right now. Even if his wife would admit everything, he still wouldn't be able to leave her. I'm guilty of previously being that way myself so I can completely understand why he holds onto the belief that it was only kissing (and of course the kissing wasn't very good). It will take him a long time to process everything.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jac_2018 said:


> Hi All.
> 
> Now i know there are a lot of posts similar so mine but i feel that i just want to share my story and hopefully get so clarity on how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


You honestly think your BIGGEST problem is not getting enough sex? 

As long as you continue to keep your head buried firmly in the sand because it feels so nice and warm around your ears, you're always going to be railroaded by your snake of a wife. 

At one time, you were a victim. Now, you're just a volunteer.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Get a vasectomy .

No reason to chance any more children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It may well be that this baby isn't yours. She may have found out she was pregnant from him, and made sure that you had lots of sex to make you think it was yours. Get a dna test done as soon as the baby is born.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Jac_2018 said:


> i mean hello. i have questions that needs to be answered. Am i not entitled to that.


According to your wife, no, you are not entitled to that, and what your wife thinks about this issue is the only one that matters. 

After the baby is born, have a DNA test done.


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

Why wait to test?

Get a noninvasive prenatal DNA test done. I believe it can be done after the tenth week or so.


I found one lab that's particularly generous:

"b. No extra charge for an additional alleged father(s). We will test all alleged fathers that are involved in your case."

Would you endure a pregnancy with her if it's not yours? 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Jac_2018 (Jan 26, 2018)

HI

thank you for your reply.
Why would you think they had sex though.
They do still work for the same company but not in the same building and according to them and his wife which i still talk to about all this that they dont see each other anymore.

i forgot to mention in my original post that my wife and his wife both had a miscarriage before everything happened and they claim that they confided in each other. My wife also said that i wasnt emotionally supportive. why would she need emotional support from another guy and not her other girl friends at work if she felt that she didnt get it from me.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jac_2018 said:


> HI
> 
> thank you for your reply.
> *Why would you think they had sex though.*
> ...


Put these together and one thing makes sense. They had sex. Probably many times and possibly still ongoing. 

You need to do a lot of reading on here. And a lot of listening to those on here who have been through or seen similar situations.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I will say she should not have had an affair.

But I will also say she needed a lot of emotional support and she would get it any way she could.

That was inevitable. If you didn’t fulfill her emotional support need it was bound to happen, no matter how wrong it was. That vacuum had to be filled. Along with other choice holes.

She checked out, and is long gone.

Sorry, that’s how I see it.

As always the aforementioned opinion is only an opinion, and therefore liable to utter ridicule by the ignorant masses.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The reason she started cutting you off is because she was being faithful to the other man. Sounds like she is still being faithful to him. When were they getting together to just “kiss?”

It’s very common for cheating wives to cut off their husbands like this. You can probably figure when they started having sex as to when she started cutting you off. If she was really into your marriage there should have been a period of hysterical bonding and she would still be having regular sex with you to keep you on the line.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, now that they know how they were communicating they have found another way.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It’s very difficult to believe that they just kissed. What adult man do you know would go kissing another woman behind his wife’s back and not have sex with the other woman?
Men make the mistake of giving their wife the benefit of the doubt, we want to think that women are more pure or morally superior than us men. They do out on that act after all, but do not fall for it. 
Try thinking about the other man, you as a man can understand a man’s thinking. What man would have a kissing only affair? What grown man would make out with a woman over and over again and not escalate things into sex by the second or third time they made out? What man would kiss a woman and by the third or fourth make out session would not feel up her body? Would not pull out his penis? Would not have sex with the woman? You being a man, when you have made out with a woman two three or four times what did you do to escalate into sex? You think the other guy did not do the same to your wife, who willingly made out with him?
You give your wife too much credit, she’s not an innocent little woman.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

From your posts it seems that you believe what your wife is telling you. EG. only talking/kissing, confided in "his" wife, etc.

You have to realize that your wife is lying. Yes, there might be some true things in what she says, but you have to look through the lens of her lies.

Read the many thread in the coping with infidelity section. Unfortunately it is so common for the "cheater" to lie about everything.

Good luck.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Jac_2018 said:


> HI
> 
> 
> They do still work for the same company but not in the same building and according to them and his wife which i still talk to about all this that they dont see each other anymore.



I sincerely hope that neither you nor the other man's wife are merely taking their words for this.

You do realize that cheaters are liars, right?


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## LK_2018 (Jan 29, 2018)

Jac_2018 said:


> Hi.
> 
> He stayed with his partner and they too are expecting....lol. as far as i know it waas just kissing and no sex.... I realize now that having another baby was a very big mistake on my part..... not sure what to do now though. dont want to leave her with 2 kids and i do still love her very much.


Jac_2018 told me about his post, so just a quick word from me, the OM wife. I was quite shocked when I read through all the responces and everyone seemed so sure that they had sex. Thing is the duration of the affair from when I had my miscarriage to the day we found out was about a month. The kiss happened 3 days before we found out. Thats why Jac_2018 and I both believe them when they say it was just a kiss. 

Our back story: We've been trying to get pregnant for a year (pre affair) and then the miscarriage happened. After we lost the baby I 'checked out' for about a week. I needed time to process and sort through my feelings on my own. Husband on the other hand wanted to talk. He wanted us to be a team and handle it together. So when I wasnt ready to talk he felt alone and abandoned. Then his colleague who had a miscarriage a few months earlier started talking to him about it. She became a shoulder to cry on and from there things got out of hand. The day Jac_2018 called me and told me about the affair was the worst day of my life. That night my husband told me everything (or what I hope is everything) he cried, and showed true remorse. He told me he loved me, that he temporarily lost his way, that he was dissapointed in himself and that he'll do anything to save our marriage. He said that he was planning on putting an end to the affair. That he was planning to confess to me about the emotional affair (he however admitted that he wasnt going to mention the kiss) Thing is we found out before he could confess so I'll never truly know if he actually would have ended it and told me.
I stayed with him because pre-affair he was a great husband and amazing father, because he realized he came close to losing everything and now makes a real effort to make up for it. I still regularly check his phone and ask him if he has had contact with the OW and he promises that there's been no contact. I know you all say we shouldnt trust a cheater. But except for asking them repeatedly about the affair and checking their phone, what else can you do...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LK_2018 said:


> Jac_2018 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi.
> ...


Every cheating husband or wife was “just about “to break off their affair just before they got caught. Your husband never admitted anything until he had no choice and you are being extremely naive to believe otherwise.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

LK_2018 said:


> Jac_2018 told me about his post, so just a quick word from me, the OM wife. I was quite shocked when I read through all the responces and everyone seemed so sure that they had sex. Thing is the duration of the affair from when I had my miscarriage to the day we found out was about a month. The kiss happened 3 days before we found out. Thats why Jac_2018 and I both believe them when they say it was just a kiss.
> 
> Our back story: We've been trying to get pregnant for a year (pre affair) and then the miscarriage happened. After we lost the baby I 'checked out' for about a week. I needed time to process and sort through my feelings on my own. Husband on the other hand wanted to talk. He wanted us to be a team and handle it together. So when I wasnt ready to talk he felt alone and abandoned. Then his colleague who had a miscarriage a few months earlier started talking to him about it. She became a shoulder to cry on and from there things got out of hand. The day Jac_2018 called me and told me about the affair was the worst day of my life. That night my husband told me everything (or what I hope is everything) he cried, and showed true remorse. He told me he loved me, that he temporarily lost his way, that he was dissapointed in himself and that he'll do anything to save our marriage. He said that he was planning on putting an end to the affair. That he was planning to confess to me about the emotional affair (he however admitted that he wasnt going to mention the kiss) Thing is we found out before he could confess so I'll never truly know if he actually would have ended it and told me.
> I stayed with him because pre-affair he was a great husband and amazing father, because he realized he came close to losing everything and now makes a real effort to make up for it. I still regularly check his phone and ask him if he has had contact with the OW and he promises that there's been no contact. I know you all say we shouldnt trust a cheater. But except for asking them repeatedly about the affair and checking their phone, *what else can you do*...


Polygraph.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

He trickle truthed you, wife of OM. He was just about to end it and “would have” told you about the affair, but not the kissing, but of course it came crashing down before he could end it and come somewhat clean to you, leaving the kissing out. So if he says there was no sex then why the heck shouldn’t you believe him, right.
Same with the woman.


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