# Help with new step family!



## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

I am dropping in for some candid feedback on how others have negotiated the early years of forming a step- family. My husband and I married 6 months ago, and have lived together with my children( 13 & 10 ) for about 3.5 years. My hubby has no children, has been married before. I have never been married before, and my ex has no contact whatsoever with his children. I come from a violent and dysfunctional past with relationships. This one is healthier and very healing. 
My daughter 13 has many emotional issues and possibly PTSD from being exposed to domestic violence in her early years. I have issues myself, some PTSD, anxiety, depression, possibly BPD. 
We are finding it very difficult to get on track, to help each other and I can feel it impacting this marriage already. I have found an excellent psychologist for my daughter, and am thinking I need some professional help too.
Just looking to hear from others who have walked the path of blending families before us! Feeling like I'm drowning at this point in time! .:scratchhead:


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## twinklfsh (Dec 30, 2012)

Being part of a blended family I can totally relate. Do not loose hope. It takes years, and I mean years to get everyone on the same page and relating effectively. Remember to dialogue if you've taken the Retrouvaille courses. If you haven't taken them, then talk and talk about it. Don't ignore the blended family issues. They will not go away. Talking will help you and your husband be on the same page until everyone else catches up. And look for a Retrouvaille program near you. It will really help.


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## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

You don't really go into detail about what the issues are and you may get more specific input if you provide that information. However, it is clear that your family is struggling and you, personally, have some heavy burdens right now so getting some professional help makes sense. Support is absolutely necessary. I really wish you all the best. Hang in there!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Counseling is a MUST. Also, counseling with your husband, because he will need help dealing with you and your daughter's dysfunction, or else he'll end up feeling left out and like a paycheck.


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## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

Thank you for taking the time to post. And for the well wishes! 
I guess the issues are many and complex.
*communication issues between my husband and daughter. Their relationship is very strained and tense
* my husband shows many symptoms of ASD/ Aspergers
* my 10 year old son is getting lost in the fray
* husband is a little resistant to counselling ( preconceived ideas)
* yep my husband does feel left out with the perception of myself and two kids plus him on the outside
*writing this makes us sound like a household of freaky misfits!

Makes me wonder if anyone ever makes a success of these modern messy blended families!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some good books that deal with how to step parent and blend families. This might be a way to get your husband some input without him going to counseling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have found that the more you read, the more you educate yourself, the better you're able to head off problems. You should be taking your kids to the library at LEAST once a month, even at their age, and expecting them to check out books (they respect what you respect). Take them there, and check out books for yourself, too.


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## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

Thank you for your responses. I understand some of the dynamics at play- I come from a blended family myself whereas my hubby's parents have been married 40 years. Turnera- we are very much a Reading family, have always gone to the library regularly and my son has caught the reading bug. My daughter 13 is harder to engage with books but I haven't given up yet! 
I get impatient because I am painfully aware of how long a process this will be!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I like to look at it this way: every book or article I read, I'm a teeny bit more 'filled' - filled with knowledge, filled with the ability to make better decisions the next time.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Take care of your own children and don't push a parenting role on them and things will go smoothly.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Make sure you carve out time just for you and H. Date nite, nightly "grown up time".... whatever. He HAS to feel like he has a special place in your life so he won't be the odd man out. 

If he doesn't want counseling so be it... YOU go, and d goes... and maybe later you invite him to a family session. Take care of each other.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have alarm bells going off in my head...

What is the reason your husband has no contact with his own children? 

Why is the relationship between him and your daughter so strained?


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