# Tired of worrying since after the infidelity



## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

My wife cheated on me and for the past 6-7 months has worked her butt off to show me that I was the only guy she could ever want, she has never looked at another guy, she comforts me by telling me how much she loves me and how lucky she has it. She has been the perfect wife, but I can't seem to still be so self conscious when other men are around her.

When we walk places, I wonder to myself would she cheat on me with that guy? Would she flirt with him if I wasn't around? What if a guy was to flirt with her, would she stop him and tell her she's married?

Also she has single friends who attract many guys at bars and other places they go out. This frightens me beyond belief. She cheated on me when she was drunk, and alcohol and men sit well with me. She promised to never get drunk again and if anything to have a drink, two at max, but it just scares me that she's around these guys that will hit on her.

I took her back trying to work on the marriage and keep it together as I take marriage seriously and don't want to drop out of the first sign of problems. I forgave her, but I'm just tired of worrying whenever she goes out without me. 

I used to not be like this but when she dresses up all nice and goes out without me it kills me to know another guy can be hitting on her. It just feels like since another guy has been inside her that should be enough that I have to deal with, not having to deal with anything else.

We are going to seek counseling, but for the time being we don't have the money, so this is my best alternative for help.

And just talking to her about it gets her upset and scared for our marriage. Which then makes me even worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

I'm just getting more and more depressed and i'm starting to lose it. I'm tired of feeling this constant jealousy when I've never been like that.

Help please.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Have you contacted your local University to see if they have Intern Therapisits available to do counseling? We have used that in the past, with great results. The fees are usually on a sliding scale, and the Interns are supervised by licensed therapists while they work on their Master's Degrees. The sessions are usually taped (with your consent) but the Intern therapists often bring a unique perspective to the sessions, and may not be as jaded by what they have seen as seasoned professionals. The sessions are taped so that they advisors can discuss issues with the interns and keep things heading on the right path. 

As far as the worrying, there simply comes a time when you HAVE to let it go. If you don't you can't move forward with rebuilding your realtionship, and both parties turn bitter beacuse the same fights keep coming up. You chose to stay, you chose to work on it, and she chose to prove herself to you rather than run. You CAN grow from the experience and have a more solid relationship than you ever thought possible, but you have to let some of the anxiety go. Good luck!


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## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

I guess it's just it happened so early in the marriage that I feel with the amount of times that infidelity happens in marriages, that since it was so early, later on down the road it will happen again.

That I think is what makes it harder for me to let it go and not be so afraid.


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## The Sensational (Jul 25, 2009)

But thank you so much for the reply.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

There is no timeline for this type of thing to happen. It may have had very little to do with you or your relationship and a lot more to do with something inside your wife. When my H cheated, it had very little to do with ME or with US, and a whole lot to do with things that needed to be fixed within HIM! We have only been together 5 years, and honestly, IF it was going to happen, I am glad it happened now, because we have worked out so much between us, learned a lot about each other, and can communicate much more openly and honestly now. We were able to break patterns and set new, more positive ones now, rather than keep doing what we were doing.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Sensational, Always always always go with your gut. If you are uncomfortable with something, don't blame yourself and push it aside. The feeling you have is exactly where I am. My H crossed the line 10 yrs after marriage and again at 15 years. Same thing, both times he bent over backwards to be the perfect H afterward - and was for a while (still is now after this 2nd time). 
But, have I hardened myself assuming/wondering/worrying/suspicious that it will happen again in another years? Hell yes. I know HE wants to keep on the good side. Its that I doubt his strength - he fell 2 times. He might just be honest for the rest of his life. But, he may not. 
Everyday I'm trusting my gut and being honest with myself. Its the only way to go. My marriage is on a month-to-month lease: might be in it forever, might be over at the end of the month. But I'm living one day at a time and seeking out the joy where I can.
Good luck. I'm sorry you have to carry this very heavy weight.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

This is just my opinion, but if she cheated on you when she was drunk, why are you still letting her go out drinking with her friends, without you? She is putting herself in the same type of situation where she cheated on you before. What makes you think this time would be any different?

I think you are asking for trouble here. 

I think the CS sometimes has to lose some privileges as a result of their actions and this might be one, at least until she can prove herself to you. No one NEEDS to go out drinking with their friends. If she really wants to go out, then she should invite you along...kind of like a date.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

:iagree: I agree 110% with COFLgirl. She not only does not NEED to go out, but you NEED to be going out together. Why put herself in the position. I am sorry but being "drunk" is no excuse to me. That is all it is - just an excuse. Maybe she feels better about it - having an "excuse" but she never should have put herself in the position to begin with. It should be you that she is going out with, not single girlfriends. She lost her privilege of trust on going out on her own and as hard as it seems she is trying to make it better, she is obviously throwing your feelings aside to continue going out even though she knows how you feel about it. One important lesson we learned through all of this is that neither one of us does anything without 100% approval from the other spouse. Doesn't matter what it is, you have to agree or compromise.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Have you tried reading any books if you can't afford counseling right now? Try amazon...look under infidelity in books and they always have tons of reviews so that you can find one that might help you and your wife work through this...


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## unforgiveable (Aug 17, 2009)

I agree that reading books is a good idea. Two I would recommend are When Panic Attacks and Feeling Good by David Burns. He is an excellent author and will help you to process your feelings in a more cognitive way. The books include worksheets and other activities that you can do to help interpret your own thoughts much better. These two books are relatively cheap and will definitely help you with being able to tackle problems like jealousy and insecurity as well as overall anxiety.


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