# Honest opinions please on make or break issue



## Mauihoney (Jun 10, 2011)

Hi,

I've just joined here, am female and live in the UK - sorry for the long post but would really appreciate some honest opinions / advice if anyone can spare the time. I'm trying to see things from my Husbands point of view but struggling so honesty welcome - especially from men who I think could have a different view on this to women.

I got married 9 months ago and we have been ttc for 5 months.

My family is very difficult, I have an awful sister with 3 kids who my Mum has residency of, they are 14, 15, and 4. My sis has had long standing on/off alcohol/drug problems - they are much more on than off and it's very, very unlikely she'll ever sort herself out (she has before then always relapses/goes awol) She has cost me and H a lot of money from trying to help her out with housing etc and we now don't speak at all.

My Mum is in her late 60s and is widowed, and her health has started to get quite bad. She recently had a fall, and at hospital they found a problem with her breathing that she needs further testing. Hopefully nothing too sinister but bascially she's getting too old and weak to look after the kids, espec the youngest boy, aged 4. We've always said if she dies (God forbid but has to be considered) me and H would take the older two as I've grown up with them and that's always been that, she's only had the youngest boy (YB) since he was 2 - at the time I was against her taking him because of her age, and coping, and also sort of knew it would fall on me and I thought at 2 he could be given a chance to start again with a new long term family (as much as it would sadden us, it seemed the best life for him) However my Mum thought sis might sort herself out and couldn't bear to see him in foster care. Two years later she hasn't and we're in this horrible situation.

I want to take the YB to live with us (if all parties agree of course) as I think my Mum could cope with the older 2 and it would make such a difference to her health. OR I need to think if that doesn't happen now then sooner rather than later we'll hit the point where she physically can't cope and then we'll do that. My H is completely against it though, now, in the future, or even when my Mum dies. Since Sunday we have either not talked or argued bitterly about it, and he has said we will split up if I take him and I am so confused, but honestly thinking we might split up over this, and I just don't know what to do.

He wants us to have our own life, our own family and not be tied to my horrible sis, which I completely understand and I want this too. I just love my nephew and at 4 (or upwards) think it would be horrendous for him to be put with a family he doesn't know. I know it would be hard, but if we worked together I think it would be fine - but deep down now I know how strongly H feels, it wouldn't as if he did agree (unlikely) he would be so resentful and probably not treat the YB equally to our kids. If I back down and agree we won't, I can't imagine ever feeling happy/ok with my decision, I would feel so guilty and so resentful of my H.

H said this morning he feels misled into marrying me - very hurtful, but I do know what he means because he did always make it very clear that he couldn't take YB, and it wasn't what he worked, saved for, etc. He didn't want to take the older 2 but agreed, as that was always the plan. My Mum said to me she didn't expect me to take YB if she couldn't manage - that we had our own lives etc, and this was a month before our wedding. I told H that, but added that although Mum didn't expect it, I still felt guilty and confused. Obv though it was just before wedding, we had so much going on, and all H remembers is the Mum part, and says I should have made it clearer how I felt because this would have possibly been a deal breaker. I didn't know how I felt, and I'm still not completely sure - all I know is I wanted H to consider it and be on the same side - not blow up like this, and start talking the way he has been.

I feel completely mortified at what has happened, scared, confused and totally muddled and sad. I sort of feel I've married someone without very much compassion, and I don't know if I'm being totally harsh?

I know everyone is different and I am very caring and thoughtful - not boasting - it's an affliction if anything! So to me it just seems like the right thing. H is thoughtful and caring to me - he's an amazing H in loads of ways, everyone loves him and he's considered 'a very nice person' but he is very sure and fixed on whats right for him and me, and very confident in his views. He's also quite an angry person when he gets going - not just about this but generally when we argue, and I can't see things changing. I jsut don't know what to do, I love him and we're barely married but yet I can't shake this feeling that over something this big, I'm perhaps not with the right person if we just can't meet over it?

H has said if he goes into care we could still see him and 'be there' to an extent - but not a very big one, and the more I think about it, I would not be okay with this - we have the power to make this little childs life okay and I couldn't not do it now. I don't know how much of his resistence is him, or thinking his parents wouldn't agree, or if it is just that he is so set on his 'life plan' - getting married, having kids...which is what I want too, but am now at the point of wondering Is his life plan more important to him than me? As if we had the YB now, or in a few years (all being well with my Mum), we can still have the life we want, just with some differences.

I'm so sorry for the long post, but I really needed to get it down and basically ask, WWYD and what would your partner do and do you have any advice / suggestions at all? Think others views will really help me understand both sides, which I so desperately need to.

TIA x


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That is certainly a tough position to be in. To have to choose between protecting your own family or helping the child of your train wreck sister is virtually a no win situation. I can understand somewhat where your H is coming from but also your point of view. Not sure if you have your own kids or not which would make a huge difference for me in this. If you do your first obligation is to your own family - period IMO. If you don't then you may have some decisions to make. A consideration for me would be if I could get full legal custody of the child, not sure how it works in the UK, but if I only got to be the baby sitter while your sister still had custody or the possibility or regaining custody I would be less interested. This could be a little of where your H is coming from, I would have some concern of in effect becoming married to your sister via her child if I didn't have full legal custody. 

On the other hand I would have a hard time watching the child be consigned to foster care. It's a tough spot. All I can suggest is talk, talk and talk some more with your husband. 

Good Luck


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## Mauihoney (Jun 10, 2011)

Thank you Sigma for reading and replying.
We don't have children at the moment, we were trying for our first until this kicked off last week! So yes, we really need to make a decision, as if neither of us can move on this and we can't agree, I think my husband will want to move on, rather than burying our heads for years then it being even messier a few years down the line when we do have kids.

I do see his point of view, and your point about custody is interesting. we would definitely need to look into that side of things, though I guess I need to know for sure where he stands first and whether I'd be looking into it with him or by myself...It's really not what I want (to split up) but I can't let him go into foster care, even if it meant I couldn't adopt him formally. However my Mum seems to think my sister would not object as, as awful as she is, would not want him to go into care.

I will definitely try and talk productively over the weekend - thanks


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your husband may have ignored the trainwreck of a situation your sister has presented to her entire family, even tossed some money at it. However, now he realizes that one of the main solutions is for him to take on responsibility for your sister's kid. And this means he is forevermore enmeshed in her drama. 

And he does not want that level of participation.

You feel guilty and have affection for both your damaged sister and her children. You feel a connection to the kid and want to rescue the child.

If this costs you your marriage, is that the price of the rescue?

I willingly took in my wife's niece who needed us as a teenager. It was only for a year. But it really did save her.

But from what you describe, you taking in the kid means forever. As in the child starts your family, not you and your husband. He cannot get his head around this. It is a lot to ask of a person.

There's a line in a great John Lennon song, "Beautiful Boy."
*
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."*


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

This is tough. Is there any way you can get your sister to give up her parental rights and have full custody of the boy? Your sister is a screw up and if you can get her out of the picture altogether (no custody) then maybe he would feel more secure with doing this. But if your sister retains custody, she could waltz back in some other time and wreak havoc again and again. Maybe this is what your husband fears....getting attached and then having no control over what happens to the boy if your sister gets her $hit together for 5 minutes and decides she wants him back.

The problem with toxic people is that unless you cut them out of your life, they will always be there to poison you.


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