# Is it really that bad?



## 12345 (Feb 14, 2010)

Well, I do not know what to do anymore....here's where it starts. When I met my husband he was going through a divorce. We were 22yrs old. He'd gotten married at 19 and has 2 little girls. We fell in love instantly, but I wanted him to have space before we started dating so we were friends for a while. When we first started dating he would lie to me daily about very small issues, I had no idea why he would lie to me. After he trusted me, he explained that his ex-wife would get angry if he were at his parents home or would be hanging out with his friends or even spent $5 (even though she never worked during their marriage). Understanding that I chose to support him and we worked through it. He has since stopped with those lies! 

However, he has picked up another habit. Being inappropriate with other women. He would go out, with or with out me, and be dancing up on them and hanging all over them. Sometimes right in front of me. He was even fired from his job for pulling a 'prank' on a female employee. He said to her, "there is something on your elbow" and grabbed her elbow to make her hand touch his penis. He laughed about it and insists that I need to get over it because we were not "that serious" then. 

Anyways, I chose to marry him anyways. I love him. I love being his. I am truly inlove with this man. A few weeks after we were married he had stood up in his friends wedding. I did not know anyone at the wedding and he kind of left me on my own, which was okay with me I guess. But I had to witness him dancing and holding hands with some other woman. I was so embarrassed and knew I looked like such a fool. Again, he wanted me to get over it and did not feel he needed to apologize to me. I am rather certain that he kissed her on one of their five minute get a ways to the bar. He claims that he does not remember. A few months later on our honey moon we were on a cruise in Mexico. He went to the bar to get me a drink and 30mins later I went to look for him and saw him at the bar drinking and smoking with other people. I just left and went back to the ship. When I was afarid he was not going to make it back to the ship I went back to shore only to find him buying drinks (with my credit card) for other people. Men and women. I talked him into stopping his little party and coming back to the ship with me before we sailed off. He proceeded to throw up drunk and pee all over our cabin. He put my bank account into overdraft due to the money he spent on other people on drinks and the next day on the ship people were coming up to him saying "that was awesome yesterday man!! you probably dont even remember!!" and he didnt remember. I sobbed...a lot. 

We have been married for 8 months and he has gone out of town to his parents and went to the bar repeateadly. Here is where I need help. He tells me all the time "you are crazy as hell but I love you!" when I talk to him about how I cant stand him going away and especially drinking without me. He makes me feel like I am just trying to be controlling like is ex-wife. 

My biggest problem is this feeling I have. I can't even explain it. It's the most painful feeling I have ever felt. Each time he goes away I have this uneasy painful feeling. I want...I need that feeling to go away. I do not want to live like this any more. He does not want to talk to me about this stuff because he just gets angry and makes me feel like I am blowing this out of porportion. Its not an option to leave him. I could not live like that, I thought about it but it seems like a lose-lose situation. I do not think I'm strong enough to not have him anymore. Plus I have 2 step daughters I am head over heels for. I cannot lose them either. My family is inlove with the 2 little girls. So many people would be hurt. Most of all...me. I do not want to be without him. What the hell can I do? I just got off the phone with him, he is visiting his parents and very hungover. So currently I have that painful, I'm going to throw up feeling. What did he do last night? I asked him and he insists nothing. Yeah right. Please, Please any advice to get rid of this feeling would be appreciated. Thank you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im really sorry for what you are going through. Your H is oblivious. 

I dont know where you live, but there is a really good support group for family and friends of alcoholics called alanon. even if you dont want to label your H as an "alcoholic" i think the group can really help you. The hardest part about these situations is that you will lose yourself in it and he will be oblivious to it. the pain is really enormous, but the women at these groups are going through what you are. its a safe place so share your pain. unfortunately, sharing your pain with your H is only going to create more pain.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need a wake up call and here it is. Yes, you are married to an alcoholic, or someone with serious alcohol abuse issues. Now you know why his ex didn't trust him--and you assumed she was controlling when in fact he was clearly lying, as though that is an appropriate response to his irresponsible behavior or her attempts to set boundaries.

Al-Anon is one of the two things you need to start doing, ASAP. Also start counseling to figure out why you love someone like this. His behavior toward you would be, to a lot of people, intolerable--and they would leave and could not love someone who treated them so disrespectfully. 

You, his ex, and his daughters all deserve better. For his daughters' sake, it might be worth taking a stand and insisting he deal with his alcohol problem. Don't you worry that he might drive with them in the car? Absent that, they need to be protected from his problem and they need counseling, too, b/c they will be at high risk for all sorts of problems, growing up with a dad like this. If he hasn't already, he will embarrass them, neglect ("forget") things important to them, and teach them all sorts of inappropriate things--like using drinking to self-medicate. By leaving, his ex gave his daughters an excellent lesson: Don't let a man abuse you like this; we all deserve better.

I'm sorry he has this problem, but only HE can solve it. I'm sorry you are in such a sad situation. Remember that you are enabling him if you continue to allow his irresponsible behavior. Sometimes truly loving someone with an addiction or illness like this means refusing to enable them, and walking away. Without enablers, alcoholics will eventually hit rock bottom, and that's the point at which they may choose recovery.

As for the job loss--wow; total red flag. He really seems to have no respect for women. Don't have children with him, please. You have so much to lose already.


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## 12345 (Feb 14, 2010)

I am so weak. I have a lot to be responsible for here and I cant get it together. I went for a drive this morning, I know he will be coming home soon. I feel like I slipped into a stage of depression. I used to counsel kids for crissake! Why do I feel so out of control. I want to be happy, please. What am I going to do?

Thank you for your advice. I guess it was nothing I didnt know. I have NEVER confided in anyone regarding this situation before. It feels good to spit it all out, but I still don't think I am doing very well emotionally today. Its like everything is coming out, all over again or something. I can't even make sense of myself. Why is my marriage like this? Why can't we just be loving and have a good relationship? When he gets home I will fall for his bull crap, I know it. Because I am weak.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

It sounds like you are married to a little kid, who was controlled for a long period of time, and everytime he's out of the leash he goes out to do whatever, just to prove himself that he's free and able to do whatever he wants. 

As for you, to get rid of this feeling, pull yourself together. How? By being happy by your own self. Happiness doesn't have that much to do with what's around you. It's more of a decission. Now, this takes some time, practice and ambition. Think of it as loosing weight, it won't happen over night and it won't happen without a bit of discipline. Next time you are around him and you dread him leaving all over again, try something. Whenever you're ready, be in control, and you leave him, go out and have a drink with a friend, whatever it is. You'll probably feel uncomfortable as hell. Despite that, do whatever it is you can to enjoy yourself. Normally, when your spouse is away, while you do miss him, you're supposed to be fine by yourself, enjoy yourself etc. You're not doing that, the moment he walks out the door, your life pauses and resumes when he comes back. While he is away, you don't live, you just worry about what he'd doing. Find a way to focus on yourself and your happiness while he's gone. After you're a bit more secure and happy, then look around you again, see what your marriage is like and what you want to change.


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