# who is wrong here?



## Ararat (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi Everyone

I would never do this kind of posting in a forum, but I feel like I need to share this.

I never really actually even conceived the idea of separation as my marriage was happy in the beginning. My wife and I have 2 beautiful kids which have been lately the only reason why I get home after work. I guess probably I ignored some warning signs before the marriage, but it seems living together only brought the worst of us to the surface.
My character has always been calmed and non conflict oriented. I like to reason to people, in some cases i might resort to take some drastic measures, but I don't like fighting, neither in a personal level nor at work. But she has now become the opposite. I don't want to fully blame her, it must be the isolation of being with 2 small kinds at home the whole day (I work sometimes very long hours), but she also reaps the benefits of that, my income is good and I can afford some small luxuries. I offered her several times to send our children to a nursery so she might have some more time for herself and start rebuilding her career (she's an architect), but she says I'm a horrible father for even thinking about leaving our children with perfect strangers, no matter how well referenced they are (I don't even want to think what will happen when our eldest daughter starts going to school). 
Our latest explosive fight (and the one who made me start considering the D word) was after some repair done in our house. We had a contractor doing a job, and suddenly we had a conflict as the work was not fully satisfactory. Doing the maths, his mistakes were going to make us loose a little bit of money (a small amount) which we would need to further improve. I agreed with this contractor for a discount (the price to fix the imperfections, as we didn't want him to do the fixing anymore) but she immediately told me I was a wimp to agree such low discount, that we should law suit them, etc. I was calmly trying to explain that at this stage is better to agree with this and move on but she keeps with the fight on and on. She actually even proposed that we should tell the guy to do the repairs and then don't return the discounted money anyway (not openly as I would do it, but basically lying to him). I do agree that I could have been tougher, but the discount seemed pretty fair to me. We will probably lose a bit of money, but I didn't see the point in continuing with a pointless conflict, as no contracts were signed and everything was verbally agreed only. Normally I like to solve conflicts in the fastest and best possible way and move on, but if this is not of her liking it becomes the war of the roses. it seems as she likes the thrill of the conflict and blames me for finishing it so fast and not under her terms (and her terms are never easy).

I think this is the demanding wife/ withdrawing husband syndrome, and I really don't know how to fix it. She will just keep insulting and being verbally abusive and I simply don't have neither the energy nor the will to reply to her or take it anymore. Many times i walked away and one night I even spent the night in a hotel. She says the problem in the relationship is only me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, and she is not even remotely open to the idea that we both might be responsible for our fights.
I'm only worried about my children, her family lives far away and if she goes back to them I will become the absent parent, and to be honest I can't conceive life now without my kids.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Ararat said:


> She will just keep insulting and being verbally abusive and I simply don't have neither the energy nor the will to reply to her or take it anymore.


You are teaching her that she wins any argument she wants just by shouting you down.

You have also apparently taught her that she is the stronger spouse and can push you around.

You are going to have to change the game plan about being the passive, silent type and start standing up for yourself a bit more.


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## Ararat (Feb 25, 2014)

Yes, actually i used to do it, we were screaming at each other so loud that our neighbors called the police one time. Didn't achieve anything by shouting back at her, only make our kids cry. Not really the example I want to give.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well, there is a middle ground between being a doormat and joining her in an immature screaming match that rises to police levels. 

For instance, I have no idea who was right about the whole discount thing but let's review:

You said: "I do agree that I could have been tougher, but the discount seemed pretty fair to me."

Your wife probably thought, "I do agree that he could have been tougher, and the discount did not seem fair to me."

So now, you have to resolve conflict.

You said: "We will probably lose a bit of money, but I didn't see the point in continuing with a pointless conflict."

Your wife is now thinking: "He could have been tougher, the discount did not seem fair to me, and now we are going to lose a bit of money because my husband is too passive to continue with the conflict."

You have not resolved conflict. I imagine you probably made it worse.

Mr. Alpha Male might have instead said, "I don't have a lot of ammo because everything was verbally agreed on, but I agree with you about the money. I'll talk to the guy and I'm going to see if I can't do better." See the difference? Now, if Mr. Alpha Male fails, wife can be impressed with the effort, there is no chance of getting a better deal, and the conflict is resolved.


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## Ararat (Feb 25, 2014)

Well, yes, tried that too actually in another occasions.
Unless Alpha Male wins, she's still not impressed. As Yoda said, don't try, do! There is no try...
But yes, I guess I'm not that worried about the pennies as she is.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The only other way I can put this for you is that to you, the conflict was apparently about pennies.

To her, her conflict is with YOU.

If she is worried about the pennies, and you aren't, you can't really claim you are invested in her and her feelings, can you?

Also, don't forget that this has apparently been going on for a while, so unless you win, she just assumes you lost because you didn't see the point. And she assumes you will let her down.

Finally, if she's yelling at you and all this stuff, I'm not saying she's blameless, but you can't fix her. You CAN work on your assertiveness and that will go a long way once she starts to notice it.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I'll say this: you could divorce her, but you probably won't be happier, neither will she, and most assuredly your children would suffer the greatest consequences.



> "Does divorce typically make adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage? Surprisingly, the answer is no, according to the data published in this report. "


IAV | Report: Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages

Among the tidbits there:

"


> Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
> 
> Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
> 
> The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married."


I'm not saying that you two shouldn't try to work on your problems, but there's nothing I see here that means you should be considering divorce or separation.


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