# I need help!



## kp35nyr (Sep 29, 2011)

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum. A little history about myself and my wife. We have been together for over 8 years (high school sweethearts). We have been through basically every major event in life together. I am completely and utterly in love with her. Throughout our 8 year history the subject of infidelity has come up at least 3 times that I know about. That is why I am here to ask for your help.

The first was when we 17 years old. She met a co worker (youll see this again) and began having a friends with benefits type of relationship. She did break up with me during the 4 week stint, but was still my girl. I do not use this against her, but this sets up the behavior to continue. 

The second was when we 19 years old. She met another co worker. She denied a relationship with him, but I came to bring her flowers one night after being away for work and she was kissing him at work. She again told me that this only happened once. That she was infatuated with him back in 9th grade. This was over and we moved on.

The third was with our car salesman. I don't believe that anything happened but I have been wrong and manipulated time and time again. I checked our cell phone records and found several hundred messages. I never saw the content and was assured it was about the car and about wanting to hang with "us" because his wife was boring. The texts stopped and we moved on.

We are 25 and 24 now and the fourth and most recent started 3 months ago with a co worker. The man is absolute trash (alcoholic, lengthy criminal history, low paying job, into drugs). The two have texted back and forth in 1 month totalling 7000 texts. Some friendly, some just disgusting. We were married only 19 days ago. We were happy. I was assured that anything with this man was just friendly. I asked her a week before the wedding if this was over and she assured me and my family and her mother that there was nothing and she was done texting him. 2 days ago I came home from working to find a facebook conversation she thought she deleted, describing the 3 month long relationship.

I questioned her and she after several minutes admitted to it. She has been adament that she will get help. That this will never happen again. That she is going to lose everything. But she didn't think about that before because this man made her feel important and told her she was beautiful and blah blah blah. She has a tattoo of family on her wrist and still had sex with another man. I am so utterly disgusted and want nothing to do with her but am completely in love with her. I want to forgive her and want to believe that she will never do this again. 

ALL my friends say to divorce her. ALL my friends are telling me that I am crazy. But this is my decision and I think its leaning to forgive her. I just don't know what I am to do. Any help, comments, anything will help me. I am lost. What can I do. I keep reliving the conversation, the act, the pain in my head.

Thanks


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

kp35nyr said:


> I questioned her and she after several minutes admitted to it. She has been adament that she will get help. That this will never happen again.
> 
> Thanks


Listen to your friends. She's not ready to be married and it'll happen again. And there have been more than 4 IMO. You sound like a guy that a girl can lie through her teeth and if you didn't see it happen you happily smile and trust her blindly even though in the back of your head you know something just isn't right.


----------



## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> Hi everyone,
> We were married only 19 days ago.


She has cheated on you over and over, including right before, during and shortly after you were "married"--and the quote marks are meaningful, because you have not actually been married given her cheating.

I have one word of advice: annulment. 

Ok a few more: run, run, run away...you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on being married to a lying cheater. It won't get better with her.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Battling an EA/PA a week before your wedding? I would have cancelled it. How on earth did you still get married to this woman? She is a serial cheater. She will continue to say whatever it takes to get you to hang around and be her stable person that she can walk all over.

Listen to your friends. You have given your W no consequences whatsoever for her behavior. Given it's only been 19 days (!) just get the marriage annulled so you don't have to go through a divorce.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Don't bother giving a moment of consideration. This is no brainer. You must D her. I suspect she is kinda pretty, right? But, the bottom line is that she is not that much "into" you. Stop loving someone who does not love you back. Listen to your friends!


----------



## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> We are 25 and 24 now and the fourth and most recent started 3 months ago with a co worker. The man is absolute trash (alcoholic, lengthy criminal history, low paying job, into drugs). *The two have texted back and forth in 1 month totalling 7000 texts. Some friendly, some just disgusting. We were married only 19 days ago.* We were happy. I was assured that anything with this man was just friendly. I asked her a week before the wedding if this was over and she assured me and my family and her mother that there was nothing and she was done texting him. 2 days ago I came home from working to find a facebook conversation she thought she deleted, describing the 3 month long relationship.
> 
> I questioned her and she after several minutes admitted to it. She has been adament that she will get help. That this will never happen again. That she is going to lose everything. But she didn't think about that before because this man made her feel important and told her she was beautiful and blah blah blah. She has a tattoo of family on her wrist and still had sex with another man. * I am so utterly disgusted and want nothing to do with her but am completely in love with her*. I want to forgive her and want to believe that she will never do this again.
> Thanks


You got married to a woman who sent 7000+ texts to another man 19 days ago?

What is your state law regarding anulments?


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> The third was with our car salesman.


ouch..

i believe people can change for the better. but... yours is easily one of the most egregious stories i've read. 

You've been married 19 days and she's having sex with some other dude, her 4th affair (that you know about) since you've been together?

All your friends say divorce her, but you say its your choice. Of course it is. But what advice are you hoping to hear?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> The two have texted back and forth in 1 month totalling 7000 texts. Some friendly, some just disgusting. We were married only 19 days ago. We were happy. I was assured that anything with this man was just friendly. 2 days ago I came home from working to find a facebook conversation she thought she deleted, describing the _3 month long relationship_.


Get an annullment.

Get tested for STDs.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What exactly do you think is going to change? 

How exactly is she going to stop being who she is?

Just because you're in love with someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. Not when they're going to drag your heart into the muck and treat you like yesterday's garbage. 

Explain to me what you think she feels about you?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Get an annullment.





Voiceofreason said:


> I have one word of advice: annulment.


Y'all took the words out of my mouth. Man the inks not even dry on the marriage certificate...


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> ALL my friends say to divorce her. ALL my friends are telling me that I am crazy. But this is my decision and I think its leaning to forgive her. I just don't know what I am to do. Any help, comments, anything will help me. I am lost. What can I do. I keep reliving the conversation, the act, the pain in my head.
> 
> Thanks


All your friends are right, your ARE crazy to stay with her. Your WW is a serial cheater and will not stop. She's just going to wait until the dust settles and start up with someone else because she knows you wont divorce her. You're simply the backup plan until she finds someone better than you.

Only 19 days and no kids? Get an annulment and kick her to the cub now! Of course you probably wont do this. 

I suspect this will be your one and only post because you're not hearing what you want to hear. But you will be back once your WW does find your replacement. You will come home and she will say that she's leaving. Then surprisingly, you'll be wondering what happened.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

You are crazy.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I seriously don't see the logic in marrying someone who's cheated on you three times already. That's just like a jewelry store hiring the burglar that has already burglarized the store three times already!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you think you don't deserve a wife who loves you? Do you think no one would ever want you, so you'll take someone that will use you for your money and stability?


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Forgiveness, in this case, is just rewarding her behavior.

Don't you think that you deserve better?


----------



## kp35nyr (Sep 29, 2011)

To All,

Thank you for your responses...I honestly didn't think it would be this fast. I married this woman because I did not know about the affair between the two of them. I had an idea that something was going on and was manipulated into believing there wasn't. My family and friends were too. Why do you think I continued with the marriage? We all believed there was nothing. She pulled the wool over EVERYONE's eyes. I would like to forgive and forget because one of my friends is with his wife after 4 years of marriage and they have 2 kids and its working. Everyone has the motto once a cheater, always a cheater. I am looking to see if it can be fixed. I don't give up easily.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you have to give her a VERY STRICT set of guidelines that she must live by for AT LEAST the next 12 months, or you will leave her. These MUST include:

You have access to her phone and her computer 24/7 ANY time you ask, night or day, WITHOUT HESITATION or without her saying 'let me do this first' (to delete anything).

You know where she is ALL THE TIME and to earn your trust she NEVER goes anywhere without telling you where she is going and you must be able to - and WILL - check up on her at random times to ensure she isn't lying.

She must take a polygraph NOW, THIS MONTH, or you will divorce her.

She must sign a post-nup agreement that states that she gets NOTHING if you ever catch her cheating again.

She must find and attend a certified psychologist for at least the next 12 months, at least twice a month, to find out why she is broken.

If she is unwilling to do these things...run.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm not a believer in "once a cheater always a cheater" either - maybe because I had ONE affair that I regret more than everything else I've ever done bad in my entire life. This woman has cheated on your FOUR times. Let's see - fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me - what happens at fool me three and four times??? 

If you're bound and determined to work it out - get the marriage annulled and then work on it - you can always remarry her (and don't even let the thought that you don't want to hurt her feelings by annulling the marriage enter your mind - c'mon). At least then, if you do work it out, she'll always know that you really will leave her [email protected]@ if she ever does this sh!t again. If you don't set this kind of hard and fast example now - you are doomed.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

BTW - if you don't annul this or do something equally dramatic watch out for her to either want to get pregnant right away or try to without discussing it with you. She could very easily see a baby as a way of making you stay. Bad bad bad.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> To All,
> 
> Thank you for your responses...I honestly didn't think it would be this fast. I married this woman because I did not know about the affair between the two of them. I had an idea that something was going on and was manipulated into believing there wasn't. My family and friends were too. Why do you think I continued with the marriage? We all believed there was nothing. She pulled the wool over EVERYONE's eyes. I would like to forgive and forget because one of my friends is with his wife after 4 years of marriage and they have 2 kids and its working. Everyone has the motto once a cheater, always a cheater. *I am looking to see if it can be fixed.* I don't give up easily.


The time to do this was before you got married.


----------



## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Please someone knock some sense into him!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> Then you have to give her a VERY STRICT set of guidelines that she must live by for AT LEAST the next 12 months, or you will leave her. These MUST include:
> 
> You have access to her phone and her computer 24/7 ANY time you ask, night or day, WITHOUT HESITATION or without her saying 'let me do this first' (to delete anything).
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


And absolutely no girls nights out.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This may seem a little way out---but maybe it will work for you

Get your anulment----then tell her to get lost for 2 yrs, and go do whatever with as many guys as she wants----when she is done SOWING HER WILD OATS---and is ready to settle into a mature relationship, you will then take her back, WITH VERY STRICT BOUNDARIES

She is 19 days into a mge., and cheating with a jailbird--you need to get away from her---I don't care how much your profess to love her---she is just causing you to live in misery---let her go and get it all out of her system


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get an annulment now before you find yourself rraising some other man's kids.

She cheated during your first month of marriage. This man had your wife as his during your first month of marriage. There is no way she will be able to just get fixed and better. She has no love or respect for you, she couldn't have any and go on to humiliate you like she has.

Run run run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm more concerned with YOU. That you would feel so little self-respect that you're willing to accept...not even CRUMBS! from her.

Are you seeing a therapist? You need to asap.


----------



## LonelyHusband (Sep 2, 2011)

I totally agree with what everyone is saying...she definitely does not want to be in a loving and loyal relationship.....you are going to have nothing but sleepless nights....and the STD possibility would scare the heck out of me...get tested and move on....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> * I had an idea that something was going on and was manipulated into believing there wasn't. *.


Next time, go with your gut. It's there for a reason and is generally spot on.



kp35nyr said:


> She pulled the wool over EVERYONE's eyes. I would like to forgive and forget because one of my friends is with his wife after 4 years of marriage and they have 2 kids and its working. Everyone has the motto once a cheater, always a cheater. I am looking to see if it can be fixed. I don't give up easily.


Eh. Time to get some sense smacked into you: she didn't pull the wool over your eyes. The wool was lifted SEVERAL times and you failed to accept what you were seeing as reality. You deliberately turned a blind eye to her serial cheating because you wanted to believe she is something she is not. You mention at least 3 different times she cheated on you *before* the affair she had with the car dealership guy. There's being blind-sided and there is just being in denial. 

You are in denial.

From your post it's clear to see that while you know something is off and wrong, you will continue with her since you rationalize it away and pretend you had no clue about her and say that since your friends have done it and are working on it, you should to. 

So I will bid you good luck and advise you to get tested for STDs. For the rest of your marriage. Rest assured: you are in for one long ride and this will not be the last time she pulls this sh!t. Not because she cheated once but because she's done it _repeatedly_ throughout your entire relationship and has suffered *ZERO* consequence for her actions. You are her doormat. And she has no problems with wiping her feet on you because she knows you will take it over and over. She does not respect you. 

And honestly, why should she? 

You don't even respect yourself.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

jellybeans said:


> you don't even respect yourself.


bingo!!!


----------



## kp35nyr (Sep 29, 2011)

I appreciate everyone's insight. I am glad that everyone can share their feelings. If she is welcome back in my life, there will be a new set of rules. It includes getting tested and everything. Is there anyone that has been where I have been and gave their spouse another chance? I know the absolute right answer is to leave her, BUT and its a big but, it is just possible that we could work it out.


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> I know the absolute right answer is to leave her, BUT and its a big but, it is just possible that we could work it out.


sure, anything's possible, but that doesn't make it even remotely likely.

your wife has serious problems that wont disappear overnight.
she isn't showing you any love or respect right now, days after your wedding, but you are hoping that this will change. why?
You are hoping for a miracle.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> I appreciate everyone's insight. I am glad that everyone can share their feelings. If she is welcome back in my life, there will be a new set of rules. It includes getting tested and everything. Is there anyone that has been where I have been and gave their spouse another chance? I know the absolute right answer is to leave her, BUT and its a big but, it is just possible that we could work it out.


NO YOU CAN'T WORK THIS OUT!!! There is nothing to work out - her behavior is totally unacceptable four times over - period - end of discussion. You don't work that out - if you're lucky she has a epiphany, feels like a sh!t heel, begs your forgiveness and spends the rest of her life trying to make it up to you. Odds of that - slim to none. 

Your only chance of having a successful marriage with this woman is to hit her so hard (figuratively of course) that she knows if she even winks at another guy you're done. But I don't think that's where you are with it. You're still trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she didn't really mean it all. So having said that I'm going to say - we'll see you here in a couple of years - if it takes that long. But please make yourself a promise. Do not have a child with this woman for at least 5 years, inside of that time you'll realize if we are right or if you are. If we turn out to be right you don't want the additional complication of a child.

Good Luck to you.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

kp35nyr said:


> I appreciate everyone's insight. I am glad that everyone can share their feelings. If she is welcome back in my life, there will be a new set of rules. It includes getting tested and everything. Is there anyone that has been where I have been and gave their spouse another chance? I know the absolute right answer is to leave her, BUT and its a big but, it is just possible that we could work it out.


see you in 6 months to a year (if not sooner), I promise not to say I told you so.


----------



## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*"Is there anyone that has been where I have been and gave their spouse another chance"*

Yes but your situation is about giving another chance after 4 previous chances!!! This is a pattern you can't fix it is a life style!!
You will have to police her 24/7 the rest of your life who wants to do that???


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

kp35nyr said:


> I am looking to see if it can be fixed. I don't give up easily.


That will be your undoing. 

You can't fix it, don't get caught up into thinking you can. Its a catch-22, if you try to work on the relationship you'll end up enabling her cheating (basically no consequences, like the last few times) and if you dump her she'll stop in order to win you back but will end up doing it again because she knows how to make you take her back (this is the 4th time, right?). You are in a no-win situation. She is a serial cheater and many just stay that way forever. 

She has issues that you can't help her with. If you forgive her she will just cheat again and as a matter of fact, dollars to donuts she hasn't permanently ended her current affair.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You BOTH need to be in therapy, and not together. Her so she can find out what childhood issues caused her to be so screwed up and you so you can find out why you have no self esteem.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you don't DEMAND that she attend therapy, you're a fool and you'll deserve what you get when she cheats again. (she ought to be due for a new guy in another month or two, I'd wager)


----------



## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I seriously don't see the logic in marrying someone who's cheated on you three times already. That's just like a jewelry store hiring the burglar that has already burglarized the store three times already!


That's the part I didn't get. 

Yikes


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Why would you marry a serial cheater. And you don't get divorced. You get it annulled. She has cheated on you from day one. Put it this way. If you stay with her, you would be called a cuckold. It is the most dehumanizing thing a husband can be. Someone that lets his wife have control of you, while she sleeps with other men. Dump her.


----------



## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Listen, I want you to hear me, this is important. It is your life and it is your choice to do with it as you wish. I was in a similar situation as you 18 years ago. I married my high school sweetheart. After a few months of marriage, I was off in the military and my W had an affair with a "then" friend of mine. It took us a while to decide what to do. I even put her in the car one day and we were driving to the courthouse to get the marriage annulled. She convinced me that we could work it out. We did and things got better. Now, fast forward 18 years to the present. We have 2 kids now, 16 & 14 and I learned last year that she had been having a long term affair with a co worker for 4 years and has been with about 14 other guys besides him. I loved her with all my heart and I am still devistated over the whole thing. We NEVER had a fight or argued. We got along great. One day last year, she came up to me and said "I'm leaving" and told me of the affairs. She didn't want to be a mother or a wife anymore because she wasn't good at either. My kids are devistated to find out who their mother really is and now they want nothing to do with her. It's been a HUGE mess. Now, I'm not saying that everyones lives will end up the same way. I was convinced that I could "fix" her and we would make it and I thought we did, until now. But, I think a lot about, what if I could have just ended it back then, when I had the chance and before we brought children into this world. We had a loving family for a long time, but it still ended and I realize now, that people very rarely change who they really are and she is showing you, who she is. I seriously wish you the best of luck. My family couldn't change my mind back then and I doubt some stranger like me can change your mind now. It's your life and your choice.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Only 14?

My WW cheated 7 years in to the marriage and 13 years after that she has had slept with19 more men.

Granted 13 years ago I was glad some one took her off my hands and make no mistake my marriage was no marriage. I never wanted to be married until 20 month ago, but thats a different story.

The point is she will continue to cheat maybe not now but a year or two from now she will be at it again, thats just what they do!

Its not your fault, its just the choices they make, and there is no for sure deal on rewiring them to not do it again, its that simple.

I'm all for a chance, but how many have you already given her...that in it self says a lot.


----------

