# New Friend



## student of life (Jul 23, 2009)

First, I am a new user. I joined this site to see if anyone could help me with a situation that I am going through in my marriage. I am a female who has made a wonderful friendship with a male co-worker (Joe). My husband is the jealous type so I was afraid to let him in on how close Joe and I were becoming, even though he knows that I make friends with men easier than women. Long of the Short is that he checked phone records and jumped to the conclusion that I was cheating. Since then, we have seen a counselor and have worked things out. Unfortunately, I know that Joe kinda had a bit of a crush on me. He would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage nor would I. My husband has come to terms that I still see Joe at work and will see him socially with friends. But we talk often. More than my husband knows, but I am afraid to tell him. Joe is a great person and I have wonderful conversations with him. We laugh and joke all the time. 

My husband is a wonderful man and I love him very much. Our one year anniversary is close and we have had our share of problems, but we love each other. Our first year of marriage hasn't been a financial dream. We don't get to do many fun and exciting things and we find ourselves in a boring rut more often than not. I think that is the reason that I reached out to Joe. He is fun and new. And he compliments me all the time. Like my husband used to. 

I guess I don't really have just one question, I just need to know if what I am going through is normal. I don't think my friendship with Joe is wrong, although I do need to tell my husband. I just want some outside opinions on my situation. 

Thanks.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

IF you are looking to joe for emotional support then its wrong !!! If its just friendship then its ok ...just dontforget you have you husband ..
lifes borrring ?? you dont need to have money to put excitment into your marriage you can do loads for free !! romantic walks baths together etc !!! 

My best friends a bloke , we go out have drinks have dinner talk nothing romantic just good friends and my husband joins us sometimes as well as his wife .


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I think it is fairly normal to want to find someone (even a flirtatious friend) outside of the marriage at this newlywed point. For some people the confines of marriage can feel to tight
Be careful though. You want to ask yourself how you would feel if he were doing the same thing as you are. I am not sure if you need to tell him it is more than you have let on because it sounds like a crush that you could dampen by just avoiding this guy for awhile. But don't blithly assume that the attraction you feel for this other man won't affect your marriage. It will, possibly to your regret. Take a look at some other posts to see how people have handled this and welcome and good luck!


----------



## Trawickshaw (Jul 22, 2009)

And he compliments me all the time. Like my husband used to. 

That to me sounds like this is an emotional connection beyond a friendship. If it were really just a friendship you wouldn't have any problem telling your husband. I think that you may be walking the fine line of an emotional affair. Take a step back and observe the situation from your husbands point of view. He may have a point. How would you react if the situation was reversed. Try to be honest with yourself first and then honest with your husband and the other guy.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Student of Life,

In my opinion it is wrong with Joe since you are talking with him more than your husband knows. To me that means you are not sharing with your h about this and if he finds out that once again this is happening the trust he has will be gone.

But you and your husband need to work on not being in a rut and your husband getting back to how he used to act with you or better yet be more than he was with you. I am surprised that if you went to counseling this wasn't discussed more.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well, you have asked:
I was afraid 
Marriage is not for "fraidy" cats. Honesty is key, early on *mandatory* for success in marriage. If you find yourself *afraid* to say something, you are not being yourself and in a marriage, if you cannot be yourself at home with your spouse...well, long term "faking" of who you REALLY are, well, that is why marriages fail, the person "afraid" to expose their true feelings, they get tired and cannot sustain the stress of"fear" of truth. *Marriage is all about TRUTH and TRUST*

friends with men easier than women.
It is *easier* to make friends with men because you have the *SEX* factor. Women are harder to make "friends" with because there isn't the sexual aspect to cloud a woman's view of the REAL you. Men are often "friendly" BECAUSE of sex and they often overlook your blaring faults because the testosterone is flooding their system (and I think it is accurate to say, this is happening to your friend, and YOUR hormones aren't exactly minimal either...). 

It isn't often your "dynamic" "fun" personality _many_ men are "friends" with you for...it is your boobs, vagina, lips, eyes, a$$, and legs: what those things DO for the MAN between HIS legs. Being friends with you is _secondary_ to getting in your pants. Don't ever forget that - I know, disappointing isn't it? 

I know that Joe kinda had a bit of a crush on me. Then IF you love your husband as you say, then stop using this guy's "crush" to bolster your ego and add sizzle to your "mundane" marriage path....finances are going to happen and hubby isn't always going to look like a shiny new penny years down the road. When a new dress is laundered 10 times, it doesn't look new either, but if it has good style and makes you appear a better person you don't just go find a new one after 10 washings: you keep it and take good care of it, love it no matter how faded and worn it becomes over the years. 
I am afraid. Ditto "afraid" above. AND if you are feeling afraid, it is your sense of right and wrong, your conscience talking to you. LISTEN to it! It is saying: "You are about to screw up the trust of a loving man...."

Our first year of marriage hasn't been a financial dream. NO excuse.
We don't get to do many fun and exciting things and we find ourselves in a boring rut more often than not. NO excuse. Fifty percent of this issue is YOUR doing, fix it. Lots of things are fun between a couple who love each other and care, that don't take MONEY.
I reached out to Joe. 100% YOUR weakness...WORK on making yourself a BETTER woman. Stop using this other man as a crutch for your personal issues. It isn't right to use him or any person for things you need to work on as a person.
He is fun and new. So are new $100 bills.
he compliments me all the time.Like my husband used to. Oh, _please_! You can take compliments but you don't have to do anything but say "thanks". Bet if you stopped flirting with him, the compliments would decline. 

[/QUOTE]


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

If your friendship with your co-worker is one where he cannot be with you and your husband comfortably, something is very wrong. You should ask your co-worker over, maybe a party with a few co-workers at your home to give your husband a chance to meet him.
Maybe then your husband would understand the friendship.... or...
tell you he is threatened .... or a number of different possible outcomes.
I have a male friend too and my husband met him back before we married and has no issues at all with him now.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I agree with everything that was said. 

It appears that your husband got mad, you didn't think it was wrong, so you came on here to get other people to agree with you to justify your actions. And you probably haven't heard what you wanted to...


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

student of life said:


> I don't think my friendship with Joe is wrong,


Few people who engage in emotional affairs do. You are relying on Joe for emotional support, self esteem & companionship. All things you should be seeking from your husband. Add that up with the fact you are hiding the amount of contact you have with Joe from your husband and I think you really know what you should do. My wife engaged in an EA that nearly ended a 20+ year marriage. Take some advice from someone who’s been there. You are heading down a very dangerous path. End your relationship with Joe and concentrate on improving your marriage. Nothing wrong with telling your husband he is not giving you what you want/desire and trying have him improve. Seeking it elsewhere is.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

wise words amp !!


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I agree with what everyone has said. 
Regardless of how you justify your friendship with Joe, it sounds like YOU also have some sort of crush on Joe, and not just he on you. I have several male friends...one of whom is my ex that I was with off and on for 14+ years. My H feels NO threat from him, or the others. WHY? Because he truly knows where my heart lies, and that I would NEVER jeopardize our family. I don't look to my male friends too boost my ego; even my ex is well aware that there is a line there now that cannot be crossed, and he respects that when we correspond. I have set the boundaries...it sounds like your boundaries with Joe are fuzzy to say the least. 
His BF is a girl, and given HIS past history, one would think I would have a big problem with that, but I trust them completely, because she is not just HIS best friend, but our family's best friend. 
If your husbands feelings are this strong, you need to respect him, respect your marriage and cut the friendship. If you have to hide it from your spouse, you shouldn't be doing it! You need to look very hard at yourself and figure out what is missing in YOU that you are trying to fill the void for, and work on YOU, before you do irreprible harm to your marriage.


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Excellent post Sandy55. I agree with everything you said. 
OP: Re-read that post.


----------



## student of life (Jul 23, 2009)

GPR said:


> I agree with everything that was said.
> 
> It appears that your husband got mad, you didn't think it was wrong, so you came on here to get other people to agree with you to justify your actions. And you probably haven't heard what you wanted to...


Let me be clear about this. I appreciate all of the posts and advice that I have been given. THAT is why I "came on here." I did not come on here to be criticized. It's comments like this one that I thought twice about posting something. I was looking for support and advice, about something I am clearly confused about. Not judgments. 

I will however, take all of the other comments into deep consideration about my situation. Thanks to the rest of you for your time.


----------



## student of life (Jul 23, 2009)

Sandy55: 
"It isn't often your "dynamic" "fun" personality many men are "friends" with you for...it is your boobs, vagina, lips, eyes, a$$, and legs: what those things DO for the MAN between HIS legs. Being friends with you is secondary to getting in your pants. Don't ever forget that - I know, disappointing isn't it? "

What's disappointing to me is that this is what you believe. I have been a tomboy my whole life. I have been surrounded by boys and men for as long as I can remember. I get along with them better because they are easier to talk to about the things that interest me. I have a very hard time talking to women because I am not a generic love to shop and talk about makeup and clothes complain how fat i am kind of girl. Of all the friends that were guys in my life, I have only been romantically involved with one. We dated about 6 months, but decided our friendship wasn't worth losing over possible romantic feelings. We are still friends today. 

I DO have a fun and dynamic personality and that is why I have friends, male or female. With your line of thinking, all my husbands friends are thinking about when we hang out is sex with me. Which I can tell you, is not true. 

Just realize that everyone is different. I'm not trying to justify my Joe situation at this point. I am just a staunch believer that men and women can be friends without the man acting like the only reason he is doing it is to have sex with the woman. It does happen, yes. But it's not always that way. And if your thoughts on the subject are the fiirst thing that comes to mind, it will never change.


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

student of life said:


> I am just a staunch believer that men and women can be friends without the man acting like the only reason he is doing it is to have sex with the woman.


I have to say that your argument would carry more weight if you friend wasn't trying to get into your pants. Just saying...


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

To answer your question, what you are experiencing happens to a lot of people. This forum is full of stories similar to yours either by the person with the friend, or the spouse of the person with the friend.

But as you said, Joe does have a crush on you. And you mention that you hide it from your husband. These two points IMO mean that this is not a typical friendship. I can understand why your husband would be upset. This is basically an emotional affair to me.


----------



## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

Would you feel uncomfortable if your husband could "see a videotape" of your interactions?

Would you be jealous if he returned this behavior to someone who has a crush on him?

Are you keeping secrets? Are you telling lies (no, really haven't talked much lately)?

14 years of marriage, and it seems my wife has decided a couple of innocent flirtations are more important than our life together.

If you aren't happy, cut it off now and spare you both the trouble.


----------



## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

student of life said:


> Sandy55:
> "It isn't often your "dynamic" "fun" personality many men are "friends" with you for...it is your boobs, vagina, lips, eyes, a$$, and legs: what those things DO for the MAN between HIS legs. Being friends with you is secondary to getting in your pants. Don't ever forget that - I know, disappointing isn't it? "
> 
> What's disappointing to me is that this is what you believe. I have been a tomboy my whole life. I have been surrounded by boys and men for as long as I can remember. I get along with them better because they are easier to talk to about the things that interest me. I have a very hard time talking to women because I am not a generic love to shop and talk about makeup and clothes complain how fat i am kind of girl. Of all the friends that were guys in my life, I have only been romantically involved with one. We dated about 6 months, but decided our friendship wasn't worth losing over possible romantic feelings. We are still friends today.
> ...


Guys ABSOLUTELY give more consideration to attractive women than they do to unattractive women, other guys, anything else under the sun... It's not because we explicitly want to take you right then and there, but we're wired to, shall we say, "keep our options open". 

I'm not criticizing you, I'm just telling you like it is, and genuinely hope you'll end the situation and concentrate on your marriage. And if that doesn't work out, call me and we can talk about it further. And just for the record, what are your measurements, again?


----------

