# First post...1 week out from D-Day



## DRW81 (Mar 1, 2012)

I first want to say that I found this place on Monday after a verrrrry long weekend and it did bring me some piece of mind.

My wife of 4 years, together for 8 yrs, confessed to me on Friday night to having a month and half emotional (at first) then physical affair with a younger man. I know this guy because he shops at the store I run where my wife works as well. She met him there and pursued him behind my back. My wife is 37, I am 30, he is 22. She has flat out told me it was mostly due to selfishness and ego. She was happy with me, but found herself desirable to a younger guy and she could be a fantasy for him. She seemed to think she couldn't be that way with me, even though I told her all the time I still found her attractive and wanted her. She has low self esteem and depression and has for most of her life.

She pretty much floored me with this news. I wasn't expecting it. I lost it. I made sounds Ive never heard myself make. She wanted to console me, I didn't want to be near her. I then had to ask questions. "It" happened 4 times over the month and a half. Usually when I was out with my cousin. And she pretty much covered all the bases and didn't really leave anything for me to cling to as being something she only did with me.

We had trust issues in the past because she was a closet alcoholic for years. She has been sober for almost 2 years and despite the guilt and anxiety form her affair she remained sober. I am actually able to be happy about that fact.

We have 2 kids. We are best friends, as well as spouses. Her sister has been adding stress to our lives to the point where we have been supporting her, her deadbeat husband, and their two kids on our dime as well as paying our own bills. This had been causing problems between us and may have even made her want the excitement of the affair.

The weekend was horrible. I thought the marriage was over. I'd never be able to forgive and move on. I talked to my cousin, who went through a divorce and cheating spouse three years ago, and my parents. I decided to try and work it out with her if she wanted to do everything she had to for it to work out. My anger subsuded and I've mostly just been sad and hurt.

I find myself mostly comforted when around her, and when separated is when I sometimes feel anxiety. Had a small panic attack the other day when she didn't respond to a text msg and then a phone call, was not a fun experience. I left the OM a voicemail letting him know he better not ever come into my store again and laid into him about the affair. 

She broke off contact with him, she doesn't anticipate him trying to contact her again anyway after my call. She feels horrible for what she did, that she ruined my trust in her, and feels like a literal piece of s*@t. She says she doesn't deserve another chance but wants to work things out.

I am able to base the decision to try and work things out on two reasons;

1) SHE told me. I didn't find out. I didn't discover it on my own years later. She realized what she was doing, wanted to stop and told me. She did a similar thing with her drinking two years ago.

2) She stayed sober. She could have easily let the guilt trick her into drinking again and sabotaging things even more for herself. She didn't. She still has no desire to drink and I am thankful for that.

We will have a long hard way to go, but if we can get to where we were a year ago it would be worth it. We have been intimate and I wasn't sure if I would have a problem with that, but I didn't. It actually was pretty good. (which I've read is normal) She told me that the times with him were never romantic, it was mechanical and just empty. That being with me has always been better. I still have the mind movies, yesterday was a bad day for those, but I try to stay hopeful. We read through some things together on how to begin recovery from this.

She's left her phone with me when she leaves the room, shows me who is texting her or calling her. This openness helps as well. She has never withheld information from me. Believe me, there's details I know that I asked about that I probably didn't want to know, but I asked anyway.

I don't know if it will work out, but I'm willing to try. If it doesn't I know I did all I could to try and salvage a once great relationship. If I get hurt again, then I will move on and pick up the pieces. Hopefully that won't be an issue. 

A lot of the threads on here were helpful. A lot didnt really apply much to me, hence why I felt like sharing my story. It didn't go on for years behind my back only to be discovered by my own eyes, but it hurts just as much. I hope you guys might have some advice and insight for me. I'd appreciate it.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Only thing I can say is trust only what you can varify. Assume she is withholding truth from you. Remain or become an Alpha make, and don't make major decisions like reconciliation or divorce until you had time to recover from the weekend.......

Consider what you shared - mechanical sex but went back several times....she pursued him.....

You two have lots to work on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The things I learned from my affair are the following:

- Although I was being transparent after the affair, it was a constant reminder to my wife and myself that I could no longer be trusted 100%.
- The affair was a symptom of a bigger problem that I didn't know existed: I had fallen out of love with my wife.
- Whether an affair is emotional or physical, it rips the heart and soul in the same manner.
- The ability to heal after an affair is a combination of a desire to heal, and acting to heal.
- Forgiveness can't be given too early, or it loses its value. Being forgiven, and forgiving yourself, happens when you need to heal.
- The soul and spirit know nothing of time, only the present.

I wish you and you wife a rejuvenated life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think she should be getting individual counseling if she has depression and self esteem issues. However, it seems a lot of the women cheaters here use self esteem issues as their excuse to cheat.

I personally think getting too many details is detrimental to reconciling.

Two of the things that help the most (besides time) is working out regularly and going to your doctor and getting some meds to smooth out the rougher spots. A good workout relieves stress and brings on a natural high and confidence boost. Concentrate on improving your self with some new clothes and a new haircut. Loose a lttle weight maybe too.

Something that might help restore your wifes confidence in herself might be to go to :

Married Man Sex Life

Also buy the book. Every marriage can use a little help in this dept.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She sounds contrite and like she wants to be transparent, but she needs to know from you that nothing she says will ever be taken at face value again.

First she needs to come clean on absolutely everything, even the ugly sexual details if that is what you want. 

Get her and you into weekly marriage counseling. Get individual counseling for yourself if you can afford it. This is going to be a long tough row to hoe for you and her, but make sure she does the heavy lifting. She needs to show you every day how important your marriage and you are to her.

She also needs to make herself sexually available any time and any way you want it. If she did something with her affair partner that she has never done for you, then she needs to give you 3x as much. I know that's ugly to hear, but you will be thinking it. It is the only way to take back your territory in your mind. Your mind will be your worst enemy throughout this.


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## DRW81 (Mar 1, 2012)

calif_hope said:


> Only thing I can say is trust only what you can varify. Assume she is withholding truth from you. Remain or become an Alpha make, and don't make major decisions like reconciliation or divorce until you had time to recover from the weekend.......
> 
> Consider what you shared - mechanical sex but went back several times....she pursued him.....
> 
> ...


She told me the reason she had the affair with him was to make herself feel powerful. She could do things to him that his girlfriend hadn't and she was fulfilling a fantasy for him by being an older woman and attractive. She has always had issues with sex in the past, shes always kinda separated that from love. Sex is just kinda sex to her, but it was always just supposed to be between us. She also felt she never satisfied me enough to my liking because of her low sex drive. Ego played a big part in her mindset and why she did these things


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A couple of other books you should get are "His Needs Her Needs " and the "Five Love Languages". 

People who read these books swear by them.


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## DRW81 (Mar 1, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I think she should be getting individual counseling if she has depression and self esteem issues. However, it seems a lot of the women cheaters here use self esteem issues as their excuse to cheat.
> 
> I personally think getting too many details is detrimental to reconciling.
> 
> ...


Funnily enough I had begun the Insanity workout towards the beginning of her affair. I have dropped 20 lbs in 4 weeks and continue to work out daily. I was having esteem issues and wanted to look better for myself and if she enjoyed it too, all the better. It's taken the wind out of my sails for workouts a bit, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. The results can't be ignored and I want to see more.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Sex is just kinda sex to her, but it was always just supposed to be between us. She also felt she never satisfied me enough to my liking because of her low sex drive


Don't buy that pseudo-psychological claptrap. 

She enjoyed having sex with this guy. Don't let her get away with that.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I think you're doing well so far and getting some good advice here. You know what you need to heal and it's up to you to make sure she knows what you need. Transparency, remorse, more time together, let herself be available to you, reclaim your territory, etc.

Also, take care of this:

*"Her sister has been adding stress to our lives to the point where we have been supporting her, her deadbeat husband, and their two kids on our dime as well as paying our own bills. This had been causing problems between us and may have even made her want the excitement of the affair."*


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Also, focus more on actions, not words. She can talk the talk, but will she walk the walk? That's what you have to pay attention to.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Also, focus more on actions, not words. She can talk the talk, but will she walk the walk? That's what you have to pay attention to.


Amen brother Kane.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

DRW81 said:


> She told me the reason she had the affair with him was to make herself feel powerful. She could do things to him that his girlfriend hadn't and she was fulfilling a fantasy for him by being an older woman and attractive. She has always had issues with sex in the past, shes always kinda separated that from love. Sex is just kinda sex to her, but it was always just supposed to be between us. She also felt she never satisfied me enough to my liking because of her low sex drive. Ego played a big part in her mindset and why she did these things


He's got a gf. You and your wife must together tell the gf about the cheating. Not for revenge but for your wife to show she doesn't favor him over you, and second for honest to his gf.

Next her explanation is bs. She did because she chose to cheat. 

Btw she doesn't separate sex from love. Tell her you are going out to get laid and you'll see she doesn't view it as just sex.

Don't be so quick to take her back. Remember she did this willing and knowingly. She didn't care about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

DRW81 said:


> She told me the reason she had the affair with him was to make herself feel powerful. She could do things to him that his girlfriend hadn't and she was fulfilling a fantasy for him by being an older woman and attractive. She has always had issues with sex in the past, shes always kinda separated that from love. Sex is just kinda sex to her, but it was always just supposed to be between us. She also felt she never satisfied me enough to my liking because of her low sex drive. Ego played a big part in her mindset and why she did these things


She has a low sex drive but it takes a ton energy to pursue an affair. How has your sex life been?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DRW81 said:


> She told me the reason she had the affair with him was to make herself feel powerful. She could do things to him that his girlfriend hadn't and she was fulfilling a fantasy for him by being an older woman and attractive. She has always had issues with sex in the past, shes always kinda separated that from love. Sex is just kinda sex to her, but it was always just supposed to be between us. She also felt she never satisfied me enough to my liking because of her low sex drive. Ego played a big part in her mindset and why she did these things


Some justification going on there. You were 22 when you guys got together.

You know I could really get off on having sex with a much younger woman and have an ego boost and whatever. But if I acted on that ... I would be a cheater. It would be wrong. It would be breaking my vows and hurting my wife. Just saying yeah it would be fun and a real ego boost. But that is no excuse for acting on it. Somehow a wife wanting to make a 22 y/o guys fantasies come true does not seem right to me. In fact she knew he had a GF who would not do the special stuff he was wanting. Whatever that was. So this 22 y/o guys gets this special stuff and you are supposed ot be ok with it. She not only cheated on you but was a cheater with the other guy. She offended that person too, on purpose for a kick. She got off on doing this with this guy knowing he had a GF. That is a predator. 

After you have been such a nice guy supporting her sister and her deadbeat husband she shows her utter lack of respect for you by doing this.

Sorry for being so harsh. I wish you well.

The attitude about it was just sex, would make me wonder what else hs gone on in the past.

Anyway, do His Needs Her Needs together and set boundaries. She does not have good boundaries ...

Me? This would have been a deal breaker. But that is just me.

Part of her feeling powerful was about you. She knew what she was doing. She admitted it was not about love. So this was just cold hearted action that hurt people. She feels powerful enough to tell you about it. She has a love sex drive and yet does this just for the sex. Right.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Some very good things - she told you of her own volition - that is the ultimate sign of contrition. It is what a good person who acted wrongly does. Owns up at their own peril. I suspect her recovery from alcoholism taught her well regarding how to own up to shortcomings and not deflect or defer. She sounds more trustworthy than some of the other commenters are crediting her for. I concur, she must walk the walk.

Some very bad - depression, self-esteem mumbo jumbo and the fact that she claims she is low desire. Don't let her self-loathing complicate your thoughts or provide an excuse. For example, someone may be poor, but that is not why they robbed a bank - robbing the bank was due to loose morals, and while a rich person with equally loose morals may not have robbed a bank, relative wealth does not excuse the lapsed morality. She is not low desire (LD). An LD person does not talk dirty to another person and have sex with that person multiple times. She has LD for you! She likely would have f'd the kids brains out 6x per day. It's not like she was saying to him, "I gotta have you 1x per month". 

So, on top of reestablishing trust, you should try to see whether her LD issue is resolvable.


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## borderline (Feb 16, 2012)

Welcome DRW and sorry you have to be here. I am D-day minus 6 months, 3 months and 3 weeks due to trickle truth. I am still not decided if I will R or D and all I can recommend without being a close part of your life is to seek IC and the same for her before you make a life-long decision regarding either choice.

My WS did not volunteer the truth of the affair and continued to lie about it until I had gathered a bunch of information and confronted her with it....even then it took two days before she decided to come totaly clean. The sporadic truths brought day 1 back everytime.

Only you can determine what details you need to know. If she is truely remorseful she will tell you the truth about what questions you ask and like others have said, actions speak much louder than words. Give yourself some time to see if she is really remorseful and truely wants to make things right. Give yourself some time to decide what you really want while you're not in the emotional turmoil that you are in after just finding out.

I personally am hoping that I can decide to R but I am not forcing the issue. I refuse to sweep things under the rug and am taking the time to fully process all that has happened to me, I hope you do the same and sincerley hope only the best for you.


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