# So alone



## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

Hi -

I am in desperate need of support. I am so upset I feel like I am being crushed. I feel dead inside, like I am an empty shell...

I have been married for 11.5 years. I moved to this country to be with my husband. I have no family here. 

Eight months ago I found out my husband was having an affair. Then after being in limbo for six months, he said he was done and wanted a divorce. He said he had honestly been trying to make the marriage work for the last six months, despite being in constant contact with his girlfriend. He said we had "grown apart," but he never said anything to me. He refused marriage counseling, and told me that there was no point. He saw an individual therapist for one month (seven months ago), and according to him, she agreed with his assessment. I have always thought we had a good marriage, and I did not see this coming. 

His girlfriend is 14 years younger than me. She knew me, knew he was married.

It was two months ago when he told me he wanted a divorce. I am still struggling to get by everyday. Maybe I am beating myself up by expecting too much of myself. 

I am living in the house we shared, and these walls are a constant painful reminder. I feel like I am drowning. 

I know everyone takes varying times before they see light at the end of the tunnel, but it can't come soon enough. 

Any support would be much appreciated.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Can you move out of the house? Or back to where your from?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wow, I can understand how this would be horribly horribly tough on you, and I know what you mean by it can"t come soon enough! When my wife decided she didn't want me any more, I was devistated and had no idea how I would ever make it through. With the support of the people here, I have been feeling better and better every day.

Don't feel bad about feeling bad! You have been hurting because your husband walked out on you, and you have every right to be hurt and in pain. Don't try to fight the pain.

Have you been in contact with any of your family, or any friends you have made since you came here?


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> Can you move out of the house? Or back to where your from?


Yes. I am going to start looking into that this week. I have just been so paralyzed, I haven't been able to do anything yet. 

I have a good job with very supportive co-workers, and a few good friends here, and they are all being great. I am not sure I am in a position to make any "big" decisions like moving back to where I am from. It all seems so overwhelming.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It seems like it is overwhelming because it is overwhelming! I think you are being very wise by not making any big decisions right now. You need to take time for you, in the here and now.

I am very glad to hear that you have a good job, coworkers and friends. That will help you for sure not being alone.

Has he actually filed for divorce yet? Have you looked into the 180 and going no contact? Are there any children involved?


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

It seems overwhelming because it IS overwhelming  I would look into a new place maybe that will help a little. New place/new start... I'm so glad to hear that you have co-workers and friends that are supportive.
Pat yourself on the back for doing things for yourself, even the little things (got out of bed, got dressed, did my hair, went to work, went for a walk, etc). Don't blame yourself for HIS bad decisions or hers for that matter.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Welcome, Deb. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your husband's idea of working on a marriage which continuing with his girlfriend is an interesting talk on working on a marriage.

My husband didn't talk to me either, just left, so I also had no idea. 

At least I have my parents not too far away, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you with no family nearby. You don't say if you have children.

I agree that if you can get out of the house, do it. 

You will hear this a lot here - work on yourself. Do things to help boost your self-esteem. Spoil yourself. It will help you develop the strength you will need to get through this.

Take care.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

You can get through this. Focus on you. Love yourself. 180. This storm will pass. He was NEVER the prize, his actions shows that. Best wishes!


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It seems like it is overwhelming because it is overwhelming! I think you are being very wise by not making any big decisions right now. You need to take time for you, in the here and now.
> 
> I am very glad to hear that you have a good job, coworkers and friends. That will help you for sure not being alone.
> 
> Has he actually filed for divorce yet? Have you looked into the 180 and going no contact? Are there any children involved?


He has not yet filed for divorce. I did the 180 for four months when we were in limbo, and it did seem to have a positive effect. But then he dropped the bomb that he was done. It was very confusing. I don't entirely understand what happened. He said it wasn't about the affair, but he had "changed and grown outside the marriage." That's it. He said we had had a good marriage. His therapist also told him that I would never understand what happened. I have been dwelling on the fact that I have had no real closure. A friend told me that what he did to me was closure enough in itself. Both his and my families are in shock. So are our friends.

There are no children...just one big loveable dog. Thank goodness for her. She is the reason I get out of bed.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Debilitated said:


> He has not yet filed for divorce. I did the 180 for four months when we were in limbo, and it did seem to have a positive effect. But then he dropped the bomb that he was done. It was very confusing. I don't entirely understand what happened. He said it wasn't about the affair, but he had "changed and grown outside the marriage." That's it. He said we had had a good marriage. His therapist also told him that I would never understand what happened. I have been dwelling on the fact that I have had no real closure. A friend told me that what he did to me was closure enough in itself. Both his and my families are in shock. So are our friends.
> 
> There are no children...just one big loveable dog. Thank goodness for her. She is the reason I get out of bed.


He had 'grown outside the marriage' all right. Same as my husband whose girlfriend gave him the 'strength and courage' to leave.

His therapist, who had never met you told him that you wouldn't understand?!!! 

I'm glad you have some support. Are you close to his family?


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Of course he changed and grew out of the marriage... He went "out" of the marriage to begin with and it doesn't sound like he ever went back in... so frustrating for you, I can't imagine  Dogs are the best... they love you regardless of bedhead and morning breath even


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> He had 'grown outside the marriage' all right. Same as my husband whose girlfriend gave him the 'strength and courage' to leave.
> 
> His therapist, who had never met you told him that you wouldn't understand?!!!
> 
> I'm glad you have some support. Are you close to his family?


When his therapist said I would not understand, she meant I would not understand his decision or reasoning to consider ending the marriage based on him "changing and growing outside the marriage."

I am reasonably close to his family, although they all live on the other side of the country. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about what he did. I don't know why though. Ashamed I guess, even though I have no reason to be.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Maybe moving back to your hometown where you have more support structures would be good for you. Try to look forward and not dwell on the negative aspects of what has happened. Lots of tomorrows ahead of you and maybe they'll be better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deb,

Did you expose the affair?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Debilitated said:


> When his therapist said I would not understand, she meant I would not understand his decision or reasoning to consider ending the marriage based on him "changing and growing outside the marriage."
> 
> I am reasonably close to his family, although they all live on the other side of the country. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about what he did. I don't know why though. Ashamed I guess, even though I have no reason to be.


I don't think many wives would understand their husbands changing and growing outside the marriage. But the fact that he had a girlfriend certainly makes it more understandable. I wonder if the therapist ever advised trying to work on the marriage or suggested marriage counselling.

You're right, you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed. He does.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Similar thing happened to me 7 months ago. I also moved across the world for him. He also cheated and left. Apparently he told a mutual friend of ours that he was not in love in me anymore. Easy to do, considering he's banging an 18 year old, who is, coincidently 14 years younger than me too. I was crushed as well. I feel like I have turned the corner about a month ago... before then it was all poo.

I know this might sound lame, but there are two books in particular that really helped me through the lonely evenings. Rebuilding after your relationship ends by Fisher, and getting past your breakup (this one is very practical) by Elliot. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Many of us are, and it does get better... marginally, but it does. Since you don't have children, I would suggesting throwing yourself into some physical activity. I would love to, but I have two little ones. Working out helps with the happy vibes, and obviously will help with self-esteem too, which I'm sure right now is torn to shreds. IC really helped me too. I seriously went every 2 weeks for the first 4 months or so. It always leaves me with a little calmness for a bit. And friends, friends, friends. I skyped with my gfs over in the us, which helped. I also quit FB, so I wouldn't torture myself. I intend to buy out the house we owned, and repainting the bedroom and getting new furniture that is disgustingly feminine. Next month I'm chopping off my hair. I waited with that change so long, because I didin't want it to be purely reactive, rather symbolic of letting go when I'm ready (my ex loved my long hair).

That's all I've got for now for the practical little things. Good luck, I hope it helped a tiny tiny tiny bit.

Oh, and the rubber band technique. Put one on your wrist. Every time you think one particularly horrible thought, like that you're not good enough, snap it. It's a behavioural technique. It works! 

I'll keep in touch. Be strong. It will get better


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Deb,
> 
> Did you expose the affair?


I did not. My parent's actually informed his parents in a letter. I have remained silent on the affair with his family. I have felt uncomfortable with the idea of talking to his family about it. They are essentially in the dark about the vast majority of the details.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Debilitated said:


> I did not. My parent's actually informed his parents in a letter. I have remained silent on the affair with his family. I have felt uncomfortable with the idea of talking to his family about it. They are essentially in the dark about the vast majority of the details.


It would be best to speak up.

Your silence makes you almost a co-conspirator.

It should be as difficult as possible for them to continue


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

What about the 18 year old gf. - is he still seeing her and if so, do her parents know that she was having an affair with a married man?


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Similar thing happened to me 7 months ago. I also moved across the world for him. He also cheated and left. Apparently he told a mutual friend of ours that he was not in love in me anymore. Easy to do, considering he's banging an 18 year old, who is, coincidently 14 years younger than me too. I was crushed as well. I feel like I have turned the corner about a month ago... before then it was all poo.
> 
> I know this might sound lame, but there are two books in particular that really helped me through the lonely evenings. Rebuilding after your relationship ends by Fisher, and getting past your breakup (this one is very practical) by Elliot.
> 
> ...


Honeystly,

Thank you for your thoughts. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. 

I will definitely check out the books you mentioned.

I haven't been able to bring myself to do any exercise. The thought of doing anything much right now just seems so overwhelming. It's like I have lost my brain, and all of my will power. I seem to be in a fog for most of the day, and I am a prisoner inside my head.

I have also quit FB. That was one of the first things I did. Unfortunately lately I have been hearing too much about what he has been doing from some of his co-workers. 

I have started going to IC, and that has been helping. I have another session tomorrow, which I am looking forward to. I have not been coping very well for the past few weeks. I am hoping she will help me try to escape a little from inside my head. Ruminating on what has happened constantly is not getting me anywhere. I like the idea of the rubber band.

I appreciate your message so very much. I hope things continue to improve with you.


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

missmolly said:


> What about the 18 year old gf. - is he still seeing her and if so, do her parents know that she was having an affair with a married man?


In my case the gf is 22, and yes, he is still seeing her. I doubt her parents know. She is from the other side of the country.


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## Debilitated (Aug 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It would be best to speak up.
> 
> Your silence makes you almost a co-conspirator.
> 
> It should be as difficult as possible for them to continue


I agree that it should be as difficult as possible for them to continue. I will have to think about speaking up. I don't like the idea of being "almost a co-conspirator," but at the same time it will be very difficult for me to go into detail. At least I think it would...but perhaps I would feel somewhat relieved at the same time - that they would know more than the selective information that he has likely provided.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Debilitated said:


> In my case the gf is 22, and yes, he is still seeing her. I doubt her parents know. She is from the other side of the country.


sorry, my error.
Her parents knowing would probably make it very difficult for them as most parents would not approve of this.


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