# Excuses and Rules



## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

We are over 1 month in from revealing the affair and are recovering quite well. We each have a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and are blowing through the chapters, my wife further along than I due to my academics, but I'm not too far behind. We've made some great progress. Neither of us have heard from the OM in over a month, until yesterday.

After everything that happened and how utterly foolish I felt following the revelation of the affair, I think I kept my cool quite well. The OM manipulated his way into living with us as a roommate. This OM talking down to me the whole time he was staying with us.

What it came down to was a very simple, easy to follow and totally fair rule I laid down upon my wife and I kicking him out.
He is NEVER to contact my wife again for any reason whatsoever.
Everything else is simply common sense and implicit.

So yesterday, he found an excuse and called her. He knows she won't answer her cell, so he called her at work, from his work nonetheless. He used this excuse to play on her pity and empathy, that he was scared because someone he works with said this and that.

In all of this I never stuck him, I never even yelled at him. I simply gave him an ultimatum and got him out.
The fact that he can still enjoy solid foods should not be taken for granted. And yet, he broke this fair, simple, and easily understood rule. 

I am not a violent man, far from it. But how am I supposed to react to this?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I am not a violent man, far from it. But how am I supposed to react to this?


My question is, how did your WIFE react to this? Did she hang up? No contact is no contact - if he calls, it is easy to just....put the phone back down. So, what did she do?


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

She tells me that she listened to him just long enough to figure out what was he was going on about, and then politely excused herself and hung up. Then almost immediately called me to tell me what happened. When she called me she was very clearly distraught over the call.

She told me repeatedly that she did not and still does not want to have any conversation with him. She explained to me how much happier she has been not having to live under the burden of deception and that she never wants to go back to living that way. But she also wanted me to address his concerns in a way that kept her from having to have contact with him.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Chiggity said:


> She tells me that she listened to him just long enough to figure out what was he was going on about, and then politely excused herself and hung up. Then almost immediately called me to tell me what happened. When she called me she was very clearly distraught over the call.


Excellent! Your wife handled it in pretty much the correct way. Next time he calls, tell her she is free to hang up the second she recognizes his voice.



> She told me repeatedly that she did not and still does not want to have any conversation with him. But she also wanted me to address his concerns in a way that kept her from having to have contact with him.


Most likely, if she hangs up on him a couple of times he will get the message (if he has not already). She can also report the fact to her employer that someone is calling to harass her.

As for you addressing his concerns....I see no reason for his concerns to be a part of your family at all. No contact means..._no_ contact. There's no reason for YOU to take care of this guy if your wife will not! Let him deal with his OWN concerns.

If he continues to call, you can always have your wife file a restraining order on him.

Remember: she is responsible for the damage she caused to your relationship - including dealing with attempts by the Other Man to re-establish a relationship. At best, your ONE contact with him should just be to request that he no longer contact your wife, or you, and that if he does, you will be contacting the authorities about harassment.

And then, never contact him again.

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Now playing: Peter Frampton - Holding On To You
via FoxyTunes


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

His concerns were mostly that one of my closest friends was going to attack him at his job. His source of info was a guy renowned for sensationalizing stuff. That on top of the fact that as far as the world outside of this forum and the three of us are concerned, He made a pass at her and then was kicked out.

I took your advice, called him up and reminded him about the No-Contact Rule. Reminded him about how patient I had been with him regarding all of this, and how if he really ever does feel threatened to call the police, not her. I didn't want to suggest the book we were reading, as though to give him anything he could even remotely exploit, but did suggest he either find a book or speak with his current therapist about his emotional situation regarding all of this.
Reiterated that he is NEVER to contact her again for any reason at all, and that was that.

I told my wife about the call and she says she is feeling more relieved.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Chiggity~

#1 Good for sort of standing up for your wife but not turning it into a fight. That's cool and that's the kind of behavior that will win her admiration because you helped protect her without turning all caveman about it. FYI punching another guy is not generally considered "desirable" whereas a call, firm and decisive but not sucked into name calling and drama, IS very desirable. 

#2 If he tries to call, even once more, I would immediately notify her employer that someone is using their time and phone to harrass her (there may be ways they can block him etc.) and don't even think twice--go straight to restraining order. Your wife asked him to leave her alone, you asked him to leave her alone, it's clearly unwanted and now he's stalking her at work. Let the authorities enforce it for you and if need be they can haul him to jail for a few days too.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

Things are only somewhat complicated because we, all three of us, work for the same company (Not the same building, actually 3 different buildings on different sides of town) And she is in a position of authority, which could compromise her job security if the details of what has happened become public and confirmed at work.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Things are only somewhat complicated because we, all three of us, work for the same company (Not the same building, actually 3 different buildings on different sides of town) And she is in a position of authority, which could compromise her job security if the details of what has happened become public and confirmed at work.


Unfortunately, that can often be one of the costs (consequences) of making the decision to be unfaithful. 'No contact' is a necessary part of rebuilding your marriage - it is also necessary for the company. An affair can damage a business as well as a marriage.


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## Chiggity (Mar 26, 2010)

I had a long conversation with my wife tonight, and she opened up more to me about specifics regarding the affair, how it progressed, how she tried to end it, how she failed.
I feel like tonight was good progress. It's the third time I've been able to get her to open up to me about how she feels about all of this. And this time I didn't let my emotions get the better of me.
The whole time he was living with us, and what sparked her to end the affair was when she wanted to slow down, and he started eavesdropping on us having sex, then GUILTING her about it the next day. After he did this often enough, he went from manipulative queries, to outright DEMANDING to know what exactly we did. At this point she had enough and ended it.

She told me that she fully expects that he will try and call her again, regardless of anything I say or threaten to him, maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few months. She says that she knows him, and she knows he's too stubborn to let it go.

It's not about macho-ism or whats right and wrong, it's about the kind of person I am. I'm not THAT GUY.
But I'm also not the kind of person who will do anything short of kick his *butt very badly if he doesn't take the hint the second time around.

I think I need a drink and a punching-bag. Because not knowing when, but only that he will call again is going to drive me crazy.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

That's wonderful Chiggity! I wish both of you the best of luck. It sounds like your progress is wonderful! Keep up the good work!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

That's wonderful Chiggity. It's so inspiring to hear success stories after affairs. To know that others can take the damaging effects of an A and rebuild their marriage and even make it better/stronger is very encouraging. 

Best of Luck to you.


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