# The sticky note about the theories of sex in marriage



## Freetown (Oct 19, 2017)

I think TAM is a wonderful medium with great people with good views helping each other. However, the ad hoc feedback mechanism may not always be the best approach from a theoretical point of view. E.g. the Emotionally Focused therapy uses a 9 step programme, divided in 3 stages (see extract below). If you d skip a step your success rate may go down.
Furthermore there are plenty of interesting theories, such as the Love languages, the cardinal rule, the 360 degree rule, attachements styles, and interesting books such as Mating in captivity, Receiving love etc. 

I know it's not the purpose to become an overall specialist nor a fulltime reader and I agree sometimes you have to stop thinking and start acting, but I believe it could be interesting to share all our knowledge in one thread about the theories of love.

Let me know what you think of it. We could share what we ve read and experienced including the key elements and pros and contras.


Ex: Extract of EFT steps from Wikipedia:
Stage 1. Stabilization (assessment and de-escalation phase)	Edit
Step 1: Identify the relational conflict issues between the partners
Step 2: Identify the negative interaction cycle where these issues are expressed
Step 3: Access attachment emotions underlying the position each partner takes in this cycle
Step 4: Reframe the problem in terms of the cycle, unacknowledged emotions, and attachment needs


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The love languages are a good concept, though IMO the execution was bad. The authors list is below - my edits to it are below that.

Initial list
1. receiving gifts, 
2. quality time, 
3. words of affirmation, 
4. acts of service (devotion), 
5 physical touch.

BTW - I always want to meet these folks who score super high on receiving gifts and affirmation, and score low on the rest. I want to ask them: Does your partner know you do not love them? 


————-
My edited list:
1. Sacrifice (making the conscious choice to put your partners desire to do/not do... ahead of your own). It’s about giving:
- Time
- Money
- Self - THIS is about sex 
- Restraint - and THIS is about not having sex outside your marriage 

- Sacrifice is about choice and duration of activities - which movie, which restaurant, how long will we visit your parents for, will I cut the grass or play video games. How long will we have sex for?
- As well as how discretionary money is allocated between us
- Oh yeah - and last but not least the ultimate give which is of your body - when you aren’t exactly feeling it

2. Companionship 
- Stabilizing / soothing
- Excitement / happiness 
- Honesty / constructive feedback
- Annoyance Quotient (AQ)

3. Touch
- non sexual
- sexual

4. I think acts of service - are part of sacrifice
5. Gift giving is monetary generosity = sacrifice

I guess that means - I think there are 3 love languages - sacrifice, companionship and touch. 






Freetown said:


> I think TAM is a wonderful medium with great people with good views helping each other. However, the ad hoc feedback mechanism may not always be the best approach from a theoretical point of view. E.g. the Emotionally Focused therapy uses a 9 step programme, divided in 3 stages (see extract below). If you d skip a step your success rate may go down.
> Furthermore there are plenty of interesting theories, such as the Love languages, the cardinal rule, the 360 degree rule, attachements styles, and interesting books such as Mating in captivity, Receiving love etc.
> 
> I know it's not the purpose to become an overall specialist nor a fulltime reader and I agree sometimes you have to stop thinking and start acting, but I believe it could be interesting to share all our knowledge in one thread about the theories of love.
> ...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The golden rule: earnestly endeavor to love your spouse as much as they love you. No more. No less.

The important corollaries:

Not in the way you want to be loved. In the way they want to be loved.

Learn to communicate well how you like to be loved, and be open to your spouse's communication of how they like to be loved.

If you both know what the other likes, and one or both of you can't provide that consistently and lovingly, then you are better off apart.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Not everyone has problems with sex in marriage. Some people learn at an early age to communicate clearly and advocate for their needs and they tend to have a much easier time finding a compatible partner than those that take a more passive approach in their mate selection.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> The golden rule: earnestly endeavor to love your spouse as much as they love you. No more. No less.
> 
> The important corollaries:
> 
> ...


I think this is a good plan. 
I might make a couple edits, just MHO...

Love your SO the way you want to love them, if the right person, that works out. *At the same time be attentive to what love language they need. 

Clear communication is key. That's mentioned above.

Realize you and SO aren't always perfect, in a LTR that's key.

Keep your own identity while fully giving yourself to your SO. Remaining strong actually helps the relationship, and your W knows you can take care of her and be there for her during the difficulties in life all go through. 

Take time and ENJOY your SO. Not just sexually but in life. 
Also, ENJOY physical sex and physical companionship, make it a priority. 

Show appreciation when warranted. Show aggravation when warranted. This comes under clear communication. 

Never keep repeating yourself when having a disagreement. Consider the response and that's the answer you've gotten. Don't be a Nancy and pout over anything. 

Love fully.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Love your SO the way you want to love them, if the right person, that works out.


Actually, I totally disagree with this. This implies that compatibility is 100% about finding the perfect match who wants to give you exactly what you want and who wants to receive exactly what you want to offer. This implies that marriage is 0% about working through incompatibility. it implies if you discover any incompatibility, then you chose the wrong person and you should leave them and go find a better match.

I think no one is such a perfect match for anyone. EVERY couple is going to have areas on incompatibility. If a person isn't willing to compromise and give their spouse what the spouse needs in the way they need it, at least to some extent and some of the time, even though that is not how the person would prefer to show their love, then in my view that person shouldn't get married. They are not the marrying type.

Yes, there are deal breakers and lines in the sand and hills to die on. Hopefully we discover those before marriage, but not all of us do. Some partners lie and hide (often from themselves). Some partners don't realize how difficult it will be to sustain the giving and the not quite getting over a lifetime. If the incompatibility is too great, by all means divorce.

But expect that a good marriage is going to require learning to give some things that we initially are not comfortable giving, and teaching our spouse to give us things that they are initially uncomfortable giving.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

All good comments immediately above....

Pls note my comment "Realize you and SO aren't always perfect, in a LTR that's key."

No one gets along perfectly all the time, always..

It's not about the perfect match but being with someone that sings in harmony with you almost always.

Everyone sings off key now and then whether intentionally or not, a couple sings through those times, never giving up.

😊


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yes, it's a music analogy, from a performer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Core compatibility makes for a far far easier marriage. That said, I agree that there are always going to be compatibility issues over time. Being willing, nay wanting to put your partners needs ahead of your own (sacrifice) is key to bridging those gaps.




Holdingontoit said:


> Actually, I totally disagree with this. This implies that compatibility is 100% about finding the perfect match who wants to give you exactly what you want and who wants to receive exactly what you want to offer. This implies that marriage is 0% about working through incompatibility. it implies if you discover any incompatibility, then you chose the wrong person and you should leave them and go find a better match.
> 
> I think no one is such a perfect match for anyone. EVERY couple is going to have areas on incompatibility. If a person isn't willing to compromise and give their spouse what the spouse needs in the way they need it, at least to some extent and some of the time, even though that is not how the person would prefer to show their love, then in my view that person shouldn't get married. They are not the marrying type.
> 
> ...


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