# I am tired of pity sex!



## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

First off, English is not my first language. Pls excuse the tenses.

Since the birth of our second child my husband seems to have little interest in sex. I might not have handled the situation 100% correct. I tried to talk to him to find out why this is. First he said he is tired in the evenings and he is a morning person. So I woke up early a few times - nothing. Then he told me that I made sex an effort for him because of certain things I did, so I changed it. We have sex once a month only when he sees that he is not going to avoid it longer. My husband was the most attractive man for me. I longed for no one else but him. 

There are always something wrong. If I get into the shower with him, there is no space. Or he is tired, sick. One day the children were visiting family. I asked him if we are going to fool around and he said yes. When I turned around I saw him make faces (like he was irritated that I asked) - a little tantrum. After a few heated arguments, he told me that I only want sex and I am the one with the problem. He doesn't want to talk about it and I should stop pressing him. So I stopped completely. I don't even initiate at all.

I always thought that I will make peace with it and I almost did. But he is now playing a very cruel game with me. He initiates sex and then goes to bed or stays up watching movies until I fall asleep. 

This is my final breaking point. This week the children weren't home. I finally scraped together the courage and suggested we fool around. He came home and didn't feel good so he went to bed. The next day he suggested we try that night. He went to bed at 20H00. The next day he suggested we try again. Told me to hop into the shower (we always shower before). When I came out of the shower POW he was asleep again. So I just left him there. After an hour he woke up and tried to start things, I wasn't in the mood at all. I was angry as hell. He only wanted to have sex because he felt bad about falling asleep. 

The problem that I now have, NOW I don't want to have sex with him at all. I feel as if he is just doing this out of obligation which is a real turn-off. I have given up. This weekend he was trying to start things the whole time (again, only because he felt guilty) and I ended up just blowing him off. Not because I am spiteful, but because I, for the first time in 13 years, lost all desire for my husband. Now I am ready to continue this room mate relationship. My self esteem is at an all time low. This is not who I am.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is treating you very cruelly. 

I would tell him that your marriage is hanging in the balance and that you have lost all desire for him. That if he doesn't do something drastic it is all over. I think only if he knows how drastic it is will he make steps to change.

He may have a medical or testosterone issue, he needs to get checked out and get some treatment.

I think you need to insist on marriage counseling.

I think it's crucial in a relationship to feel loved, desired and very attractive to your spouse.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

You see this is my dilemma. Do I really want to force him to continue having pity sex with me just to save our marriage? I want him to want to have sex and that is something I can't change. After a few arguments, he stopped saying no. But I could see that he wasn't in the mood at all. He tries to pretend.

If I give him this altimatum, he will step up with the frequency.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

hlnlnge said:


> You see this is my dilemma. Do I really want to force him to continue having pity sex with me just to save our marriage? I want him to want to have sex and that is something I can't change. After a few arguments, he stopped saying no. But I could see that he wasn't in the mood at all. He tries to pretend.
> 
> If I give him this altimatum, he will step up with the frequency.


No something is effecting his drive though and if he goes to the Dr and finds out what it is he may regain his sex drive. Because it's not about you. And marriage counseling may help you sort out the rest. You tell him you do not want pity sex, you would have to really feel, after he recieves help and treatment, that he has real desire for you other wise, you move on.

I understand that you are at the point where you have changed and it is hard for you to imagine having those feelings for him again. You need someone who really truly desires you and wants you, who can't wait to fell you and love you and touch you. I really do get that.

But if he knows you are serious he may just get the help he needs and he may regain his desire. But he might not and then you should leave.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm wondering how I am going to get my husband to admit to a doctor that he has a low desire if he doesn't even want to admit it to me.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

hlnlnge said:


> I'm wondering how I am going to get my husband to admit to a doctor that he has a low desire if he doesn't even want to admit it to me.


You tell him if he doesn't want to do it, that is up to him and you cannot make him, but he loses you because you can't stay with a man who makes you feel so bad, you can't allow it to happen for even one more day because you deserve better and you know you deserve a deeply loving full filling sexual and intimate relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Syrum said:


> You tell him if he doesn't want to do it, that is up to him and you cannot make him, but he loses you because you can't stay with a man who makes you feel so bad, you can't allow it to happen for even one more day because you deserve better and you know you deserve a deeply loving full filling sexual and intimate relationship.


is it your opinion that this should be the tact for men or women?


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

The problem is that now I WANT to say hurtful things to him. I WANT to tell him that I have no desire for him. Not because I am seeking a solution, but to make him feel the way I have been feeling. I am not at a good place right now. I also know the way I am right now is not constructive at all. But then again, nothing else seemed to be either. 

I've tried talking to him about it. Everytime I started the conversation, he looked like a deer freezing in the road with headlights approaching fast. I'm guessing this is not good for his ego. 

So if I start the old "what's wrong" routine, you literally see his shoulders drop. He's the kind of person that thinks that problems just dissapear. If I keep on pressing, it is me that is the one keeping a grudge and are just causing problems that wasn't there in the first place.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Ask your husband to get checked out by his doctor to rule out any medical issues. However, if he is being cruel by playing these mind games with you like iniaiting sex then leaving you hanging, he needs to be evaluated by a psychologist. 

As far as giving out an ultimatum, only do that when you know you will follow through with what you say you will, or he will not take you seriously. 

If he doesn't understand how you truly feel, how its effecting you and the marriage, then you need to do some thinking on what you want for you life.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Pity sex is the worst but being mean back to him isn't going to solve anything. Trust me I've been there. Something has affected his drive and I have no idea what that is you have to work to figure it out. Good luck with that because my dh was never forthcoming as to the why's I had to figure it out on my own. 

Hugs I know where you are and it is the worst feeling in the world.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Suggest to him that if he's not meeting your needs, perhaps an open marriage would do the trick for you?

That was said semi-jokingly... He is playing games with you, which seems even worse than just not having an interest in sex. You could call him on that, ask him why he start initiates and then stops. Have you tried counseling?

Sometimes, you HAVE to have the uncomfortable talks, even if it feels like you're really hurting the other person (or yourself). Because this talk is much easier than the "I want a divorce" talk, trust me. And with the build-up of frustration and resentment, I would guess that's where you're headed.

C


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> is it your opinion that this should be the tact for men or women?


I don't think anyone should live in a sexless marriage where someone has pity sex with them every now and then.

I do think there are some exceptions, like severe illness, pregnancy, having a new baby etc.

I do think that men need to take a different tact then women, but that if neither a man or women are interested in figuring it out and improving their dive then I do not think any one should stay long term with someone like that.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Pity sex is the worst but being mean back to him isn't going to solve anything. Trust me I've been there. Something has affected his drive and I have no idea what that is you have to work to figure it out. Good luck with that because my dh was never forthcoming as to the why's I had to figure it out on my own.
> 
> Hugs I know where you are and it is the worst feeling in the world.


How did you figure it out if I may ask?


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I feel like that used to be my sex life.
A few hours of TV but tired for sex. Try in the morning.
Morning not in the mood.
Asked to take a shower with me but no sex durring or after.
I agree with you.


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## hlnlnge (Jan 22, 2009)

Why can't he just be honest with me?


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