# I want the truth



## makaveli (Jul 8, 2010)

So I want to know the truth because it is killing me that I don't know if I believe my wife. Long story short...she had an emotional affair that I know of but sent the guy topless pics of her. I also caught her lying about going to his house to "hang out" as she called it. When I gave her the ultimatum between us or this guy she chose me. I think I deserve to know the truth because in order to get over something like this you need to know everything that has happend so that one day when I am over what happend, nothing new pops up and my feelings of distrust come back. I told her I want to know everything that happend between them two and she told me nothing sexual happend except for the sent pics on her cellphone. I don't think I believe that at all so I want to do a polygraph test but don't know how to approach her about taking one. The way I look at it is if she has nothing to hide then she shouldn't mind taking one to ease my mind. I know if I the shoe was on the other foot and I wanted my wife to know that I want her to trust me then I would have no problem taking one unless I was trying to hide something. Should I ask my wife to take one? I figured it could do a couple of things...one, she would agree and I would find out she was telling me the truth or not...two, she will disagree and then I will think she is hiding something from me. She will probably get offended and try to turn it around on me but like I said...if she has nothing to hide and she sticks by to what she said then she should have no problem what so ever to take one. I have asked her multiple times to tell me what happend and she continues to stick by what she told me...any suggestions?


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Look I think at this point you could put together a list of requests that will make you feel better about continuing with your marriage with your wife.....she should be very understanding the trust issues you now have considering what she has done with the OM and her emotional relationship with him.
If she is truly remorseful and really wants to consider your feelings she shouldn't say no.....
Tell her you just want to avoid needless trust issues if it turns out she is telling you the truth then there will never be any questions for you and you can move forward with her and better your relationship and affair proof your relationship......
Tell her she has broken the trust in the marriage, you are just trying to put all the positives and truth out there so you know all the facts in order to deal with them in the right way......
She has chosen you so she must be serious in her words to prove that to you......
Be calm but firm........good luck, are you making sure there is no contact between them, do you have access to her phone, comp, whereabouts?


----------



## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

I asked my fiance to take a polygraph, she passed, but believe it or not, I feel it took us back many months, instead of the closure I was hoping for. I dont know how to really put it in words, but after the test, I fealt like the relationship was cheap, and maybe she lost a bit of respect from me. Ofcourse at the time, I looked at it as if " hey she cheated, i can ask for whatever I want and whatever will make me feel better" unfortunately for me it didnt work that way, it created a wall of "no trust" an invisible wall that I really cant explain.
If I were to go with that again, knowing what I know, I would not do the polygraph, and if my fiance was lieing, well screw it, she lied probably out of fear of losing what we had, just my 2 cents.. work on it from here. The lieing will kill her more than me. Im going thru the same things, good luck and stay strong...


----------



## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

Once trust is broken I personally don't know if it's ever possible to get back. In some cases, I think that some couples are able to overcome cases of infidelity if they are both emotionally very strong and able to be 100% open and honest, and 100% committed to do whatever it takes. In other cases, there is usually a lot of resentment and suspicion, that never really clears up.
In my case I knew that I could not live with what seemed to be a good chance that my ex-h would cheat again, as that was his nature and my gut instinct was that he never really opened up or told me the whole truth.

What I'm saying is, there comes a time when you have to go with your gut. If you feel like there is something wrong, or there is something more to the story than is being divulged, you are probably right. Do you really need a machine to tell you?
The fact is, your partner betrayed your trust and regardless of the outcome of whatever test, you still have to deal with the emotional aftermath of this betrayal.


----------



## makaveli (Jul 8, 2010)

These are all good replies that I was looking for. The thing I am getting from the replies are that I should go with my gut feeling and that I will not feel better knowing the whole truth. I know the trust has been broken and that it's going to be a long road to recovery but the thing is that I feel I can't get over something if I don't know the whole story. My wife seems to think that we should just let the past be the past and just forget about it since she agreed that she was stupid and learned from her actions...easy for her, not so much for me. I need to know to what degree my wife has gone to betraying my trust in order for me to completely heal from this. I don't want to go 10 years down the road and find out that she did indeed sleep with this guy...then it would make our rekindling of our relationship be a done on false pretences. I do love my wife and I understand that she would want to hold as much details as possible from me so we don't end up divorced but out of respect to me that should be up to me and not her since she is the one that decided to gamble on our marriage. I would much rather want to know the truth instead of being in the dark about something like this. Gut feelings tell me that she did do stuff with this guy so I am 99% sure they did but I don't want to go my whole life not being certain when there is a chance that she might not have...not fair to the both of us if she is indeed telling the truth.


----------



## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

Man sounds like my situation!! and it sucks yes !! I came to a point before the poly, that I even looked her in the eyes, and simply said " i know you went all the way with this clown, if not sleeping together, alot more than you have told me" even if I was wrong at the time ( according to poly) it made me feel less of a fool, in case she did do it, I wanted to let her know I was no fool in her eyes, and in my eyes. But now looking over it, it was probably horrible for her to hear that when she didnt do that. The other side of the coin, it is horrible for me to go thru this pain, when I didnt do that either. stay strong and hope time will heal.


----------



## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

In my experience and from all the talking and reading I have done on forums such as these, the WS (unless they are truly remorseful and willing to help the BS heal) always want their spouse to "get over it". Or they find some elaborate way to blame shift and try to make the BS feel responsible or guilty for expressing their feelings.

I believe that there are types of people who cheat, and types who don't. You will have to reconcile with yourself if you are okay being in a relationship with someone whom you will never fully trust. 
Regardless of how far the infidelity went and regardless of the details, it's still a betrayal.
Have you thought out the things that you would need from your wife in order to get through this? (I say get through, not over, because I don't think we ever really "get over" infidelity).


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I guess I to want all the answers, my husband did sleep with his OW and he did tell her he loved her....
I asked the questions he has told me the truth......that I'm sure of.....
He is remorseful and wants things to work out and so do I but knowing the truth puts a lot of doubt back in the game for me. I now know he is capable of making decisions that don't have my best interests at heart. I now know that what we had that was sacred between us is no longer the truth.....I know the truth the truth bothers me, if I didn't know I would wonder what happened, I don't think there is a real answer for either of us.....once something like this happens there is always doubt and trust issues......
At times I think if I didn't know what I know it might be easier, there wouldn't be as many triggers that put images in my head....
It's tough either way. Just decide if you are willing to give her another try, then give her one... if it doesn't work out then at least you will have tried your best.....
This is how I look at it....I don't want to end my marriage and anything other than working towards a better relationship would result in us separating and probably ending our marriage, I don't like that option......
I still was and am still in love with my husband even if he wasn't for a short period of time.....life is a long time to live it without a mistake, we have been together 26 years....
In no way am I giving up anything doing this, he now is the husband I have always wanted. It's almost like he had to hit bottom to realize what he was going to lose.....


----------



## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

jessi makes good points, I on the other hand, have also read that if the person doing the cheating did say everything, then after a while they will break down and ask you not to bring up the same things again and again, where if they are still hiding things, they will give you more of an oppurtunity to vent, although still sticking to there story (a form of trying to deal with there guilt) confusing I know...


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

For those who are constantly seeking 'the truth' and are digging for 'all' the facts, consider this - it is not possible. You have no method by which you can determine what happened. Your partner could be entirely honest and tell you everything - and you will still feel like there 'must be more'. You have no way to comprehend that everything has been said. 

And you will always keep wondering if more might happened.

My advice is to ask that they come clean enough for there to be no new surprises. That way you have time for the wounds to heal.

For those who don't believe it is possible to get trust back, that is a personal issue, not a general one. Trust can be earned over time, dependent upon your willingness to forgive. If you find that you simply refuse to trust, you are showing that you refuse to forgive.

Which means that you are sending your partner the message that you yourself cannot be trusted - thereby creating an endless circle of mistrust and lack of forgiveness. Unless you learn how to forgive, you are the one creating the damage in your relationship, and using the past actions of your partner as the justification. It is not hard to see why affairs happened in your marriages! Remember that forgiving and forgetting are not the same, in any stretch of definition or imagination.

Also, while there are some people who are more prone to cheat (people who have not learned the meaning of the word 'commit' - or what it means to keep their word) this in no way implies that we all don't have it within us to do the same, given circumstances. In general, people who try to gather others into niches (collectivize others) do so because they are unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions. Affairs usually don't happen in a vacuum. In every case I've ever seen, if it is examined carefully enough, there is evidence that there WERE prior problems with the relationship that the affair seemed to solve. 

Unless those troubles are honestly looked at, the chance of a repeat is very high. And the marriage is most likely doomed. And then, of course, the 'victims' in that relationship get to go about trying to end all other relationships - most likely because they can't stand to see others do something they won't - or because they hurt and want to share their pain as much as possible. Some axes are very dull and need a lot of grinding...


----------



## makaveli (Jul 8, 2010)

Wow Tanelornpete...I am not saying that you don't have a lot of experience in these issues but your reply seems like you are pointing the finger at me in what my wife did to me. I know no relationship is perfect...the story goes between me and my wife is that she said she was not happy. I asked what she meant and she told me she feels like she got married young and had a kid young and feels like she is missing out on her youth. Then she said she needed more girlfriends because she doesn't have many close ones and would like to go out more with them and do more girl nights out...well I told her she should do more of that and when she did is when she started all the hidding phonecalls, texts, lying about where she was going etc.. So I tried with her to make her happy and we even went to a marriage counselor. She wanted nothing to do with that and continued with her behavior until I caught her red handed doing things I or any husband wouldn't approve of. So it's not like I was trying to make our situation worse...if anything I was trying to make it better. There is to much that I haven't said because I don't have all day to type but I don't think in any way shape or form think I deserved this or was at fault. Like I said before, I worked on her issues that she said were not making her happy when the truth was that she was in this phase where she wanted to test the marriage waters...that's what I wanted to find out...what she did in those waters. I think I have the right to know


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Actually, Makaveli - I have no data about your case other than what you posted above, but I do want to be clear:

You wrote:



> but your reply seems like you are pointing the finger at me in what my wife did to me.


When a person chooses infidelity, they are responsible for that choice. They could just as easily have chosen something else. Each and every person is individually responsible for the actions that they, themselves choose to take. An affair is the wrong choice, and the person choosing the affair is responsible for choosing the affair.

But an affair does not happen randomly. It is (in every case I've seen so far) the perceived best (or most convenient, funnest, etc...) solution to a prior problem.

And the problems in the marriage are the responsibility of both partners. First, the person who is busy creating the situation upon which the problem feeds is responsible for that action. At the same time, the person affected by the problem is responsible for truthfully pointing it out. And then, the couple is responsible for working together on the issue. 

But sometimes, the affected partner does not feel safe enough to bring up the issue - they may have some experience at having been shut off, rejected, dismissed, etc., when trying to bring things up before - which makes them doubtful if it would work this time. They are responsible for bringing this doubt up, their partner is responsible for making a safe zone in which they can.

However: in your instance, and without much data at ALL, I'd like to point out something:

You wrote (someone convolutedly):



> ...Like I said before, I worked on her issues that she said were not making her happy when the truth was that she was in this phase where she wanted to test the marriage waters...that's what I wanted to find out...what she did in those waters. I think I have the right to know...


You worked on issues that she said were not making her happy....AFTER she began to 'test the marriage waters'. What I am getting at is that it is the reason she felt the need to test those waters at all that needs to be addressed. And you will not get those answers one the waters begin to be tested. By then, the affair has already started. 

It may be that she hadn't even found anyone yet - but she was in the mode for looking, which means that she was already in 'the fog.' I always argue that the Other Person in an affair is irrelevant: it is the REASON for this Other Person which is. And unfortunately, when an affair is going, you will not get the real answers - nor will it matter what WORK you put into the marriage.

Until the affair ends, and the fog clears, NO work can be done. It's all spinning wheels and smoke. You are doing busy work, while your partner runs amok. 

As for the last phrase in your post ("...that's what I wanted to find out...what she did in those waters. I think I have the right to know...") I will point out again that even if she told you the truth, you will not be able to be satisfied, because you have NO way of knowing that is ALL of it, that there may be more - OR (equally likely) she will have made stuff up to give you something to scrapbook for your vengeance collection. In either case, the end result is the same. She will give you information, and you will continue to doubt, until either you learn to forgive, or the marriage ends. Only two outcomes I've ever seen.



> ...the story goes between me and my wife is that she said she was not happy. I asked what she meant and she told me she feels like she got married young and had a kid young and feels like she is missing out on her youth. Then she said she needed more girlfriends because she doesn't have many close ones and would like to go out more with them and do more girl nights out...well I told her she should do more of that and when she did is when she started all the hidding phonecalls, texts, lying about where she was going etc.. So I tried with her to make her happy and we even went to a marriage counselor. She wanted nothing to do with that and continued with her behavior until I caught her red handed doing things I or any husband wouldn't approve of. So it's not like I was trying to make our situation worse...if anything I was trying to make it better...


I know you disagree with me, and doubt my ability (I get that a lot) but I am telling you, the excuses she gave you had a GRAIN of the truth, but are shrouded in fog. She most likely did feel lonely - and in the fog, you gave her the opening to go deeper. All of the arguments she gave you are STANDARD script for someone already having an affair. 

These are not the things for which you seem to think I 'blame' you. The issue was already there when these rationalizations came up.

How Affairs Start

----------------
Now playing: Atlanta Rhythm Section - Georgia Rhythm
via FoxyTunes


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> For those who don't believe it is possible to get trust back, that is a personal issue, not a general one. Trust can be earned over time, dependent upon your willingness to forgive. If you find that you simply refuse to trust, you are showing that you refuse to forgive.
> 
> Which means that you are sending your partner the message that you yourself cannot be trusted - thereby creating an endless circle of mistrust and lack of forgiveness. Unless you learn how to forgive, you are the one creating the damage in your relationship, and using the past actions of your partner as the justification. It is not hard to see why affairs happened in your marriages! Remember that forgiving and forgetting are not the same, in any stretch of definition or imagination.


I really do not see the logic of your comment, that refusing to forgive sends a message to a cheater that the betrayed person cannot be trusted.

It seems a bit of a stretch to say that the one coping with their unfaithful spouse is the one creating damage in the relationship.

Can you explain this better?

As you wrote it, seems to me you are pointing a finger unwarranted.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> TP... explain ...
> 
> In my life after I found out about my wife's affairs, her honestly and more important telling me the "all" the truth was the only thing that that showed me she could be trusted. If she had lied and continued to deceive, then she was still in the "affair". At ground ZERO, TRUTH is paramount. If you want to re-build what else do you start with?


Yes, truth is absolutely paramount. In fact, it is the basis of a healthy relationship, of any kind. If a person continues to lie, it is quite likely that at the very least, all of the fog of the affair has not lifted. On top of that, this could also be a point of emotional damage in the marriage overall - a love extinguisher that exists outside the affair. We do not disagree at all.

Trust is built over time, as truth is shared between both partners. But that truth must be verifiable! By what criteria do you understand that your spouse is telling you the truth? When there is trust between the two of you, _this is simple _- their word _is _their bond. But when an affair happens, lies and deceit are the primary mode of dealing with you. Any truth must be PROVEN. With very few exceptions (some fairly perverse ones) there is no record of what happened between your spouse and their lover. All you have is their word - which means nothing - _and the loyal spouse know that_ or else they would not be hurting for the truth!

This is a common complaint that people have: "I want the details of what happened - I want to know everything that happened..." as it that somehow will bring healing. 

I contend that it will not. The problem is not that _this particular action_ was taken, or that _that particular position_ was assumed, *but that an affair happened*. And the problem is major, because the solution is not found in actions taken DURING the affair, but in WHY it happened. 

Here is the main trouble, and I cannot fathom why it is so hard to understand: so your spouse gives you details? Graphic details. Things that hurt, and cause you to wonder, to cry. So what? What makes you think these are the _truth_? The fact that they are speaking to you? By what act of God, by what magical scryer's crystal, are you to 'know' that what they told you[/i] is truth? And how are you to know that they told you _everything_? By what criteria do you know that the person who has been lying to you - - - is now telling you the truth. What happens if you simply badger them until they will say _anything_ to have a moment's peace? Is it simply that if they give you details until the pain is too much, or you go numb, that then they will have truthfully emptied themselves and revealed all? What proof do you have of that? NONE! None none none. It is simply impossible!

Any trust that is to be gained must come after healing begins. Yes, it is necessary for them to be honest with you - and it would be helpful if they did answer your questions truthfully - but you will NEVER know. That avenue is closed to you. At most, you must at some point accept their word. 

And that is the point where this is most serious. Forgiveness is a decision you make.People who say they 'can't' forgive are not being truthful. ANYONE can forgive. Some people WILL not. That is a huge difference. Many people think that forgiveness is an emotion. It is not. At some point in your life, you may feel that the pain is less, and that may be construed as a feeling of forgiveness, but in reality that is an amalgam of other emotions. 

Again, forgiving and forgetting are not the same. You never forget. You may even relive the pain on occasion. I know I do, even nearly 30 years after I discovered the first affair in my history. 



> I usually see your point very clear. Just speculating and guessing, put yourself in the life of a faithful partner who just found out his wife has been in EA-PA for years and just found out. I am a year into finding out. Details are not as important as they were at Ground ZERO. More, everyone's time of horizon is not yours. 6 months to some is years to other.


I've lived through 4 known affairs with three different wives over 32 years. I could be called a poster child for some sort of Murphy's Law or something. It took me a long time to understand what happens, and how to get to a point where I live in a fairly affair-proof marriage. The problem I am trying to get across here is that people are putting too much stock into getting those details - and they set themselves up for disappointment because they are already in a point where doubt overshadows everything. Belief that details will somehow restore trust is simply a bad practice. TIME restores trust. 

It is great to be able to ask your spouse questions - we have a pretty useful method of getting the information people want, but there are some criteria that must be used in order to enable it to work...

But...how safe is the Disloyal Spouse to open up and give the truth? My guess is that you, RWB, gave your wife a haven, and the two of you dealt with the pain. This is not always the case.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I really do not see the logic of your comment, that refusing to forgive sends a message to a cheater that the betrayed person cannot be trusted.


Actually, I need to rephrase that anyway. Trust is as much a part of human nature as is being bipedal. There is NEVER a time when you don't trust someone, is there? The problem is not trust, but WHAT you trust them to do. If you trust that your spouse will do what they can to be your friend, your trust in placed in a positive response. On the other hand, you can also trust someone to respond negatively.

To forgive means to to give up resentment of or claim to requital for an offense, debt, etc.

Seems fairly straighforward. If you refuse to forgive, it means that you refuse to give up resentment, or refuse to cease demanding repayment for some offense or debt or some other action. In other words, to refuse to forgive means that you will continuously be resentful, continuosuly demanding that your spouse owes you servitude, deference, fawning, and obeisiance continually for something they did in the past. To refuse to forgive means that you place your spouse in the permanent position of being under your thumb, permanently submissive and permantly penitant. 

That is the ONLY possible outcome of _refusing to forgive._

And I don't accept the plea "I _can't_ forgive." That's plain foolishness. You may not FEEL all happy once you do forgive - but that does not stop you from making the decision to give up resentment, or to stop demanding sacrifices and gifts from your spouse to appease you. It's not that you _can't_. It is that you _won't_.

The result of that is that you teach your spouse that it is not safe to come to you with a problem: instead of joining together to work through the troubkle and to move into a better relationship, you have shown them that if there is a problem (at least one that they cause) you move onto a throne and exact permanent punishment. It's the continual game of 'Now I've Got You, You SOB."

So I was wrong. They DO trust you. They trust you to be resentful, unforgiving, arrogant and pretty much someone in whom you do NOT confide.



> It seems a bit of a stretch to say that the one coping with their unfaithful spouse is the one creating damage in the relationship.


I said nothing of the sort. If you read pretty much ANYTHING I write, you'll see that I hold each individual responsible for their own actions.

----------------
Now playing: Paul Schwartz - Sarabande
via FoxyTunes


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> Seems fairly straighforward. If you refuse to forgive, it means that you refuse to give up resentment, or refuse to cease demanding repayment for some offense or debt or some other action. In other words, to refuse to forgive means that you will continuously be resentful, continuosuly demanding that your spouse owes you servitude, deference, fawning, and obeisiance continually for something they did in the past. To refuse to forgive means that you place your spouse in the permanent position of being under your thumb, permanently submissive and permantly penitant.
> 
> That is the ONLY possible outcome of _refusing to forgive._


I disagree with your suppositions. Forgiveness does not have to be unconditional. Withholding it until conditions are met does not mean a betrayed person is indulging in 24/7 emotional punishing, insisting on a cheating spouse grovel forevermore.

Conditions such as the complete truth, some hoopjumping (tests of loyalty, refocusing on the marriage, giving up a job with their other person, etc.), marriage counseling, and so forth are reasonable things to require before the PROCESS of forgiveness can commence.

BTW, you are presuming also that the forgiveness is for something in the past. It isn't always, even if framed as something in the past.



Tanelornpete said:


> And I don't accept the plea "I _can't_ forgive." That's plain foolishness. You may not FEEL all happy once you do forgive - but that does not stop you from making the decision to give up resentment, or to stop demanding sacrifices and gifts from your spouse to appease you. It's not that you _can't_. It is that you _won't_.
> 
> The result of that is that you teach your spouse that it is not safe to come to you with a problem: instead of joining together to work through the troubkle and to move into a better relationship, you have shown them that if there is a problem (at least one that they cause) you move onto a throne and exact permanent punishment. It's the continual game of 'Now I've Got You, You SOB."


Again, we are talking about conditions need to be met before forgiveness can be given--for many people.

It's not unconditional.

There are degrees of problems that can be addressed without pause in a marriage. Then there are problems that are hugely weighty. Why is it that you take the tack that the unfaithful spouse's burden is the one that must be considered first? There are spouses who have been cheated on in a hugely destructive way (yes, all are destructive) that taxes a person's ability to cope with the sh!tstorm dumped on them by the one person who should protect them from such things.

It can be all that a person can do is to survive day-to-day for a very long time without the added burden of relieving someone else's guilt (presuming they feel any).




Tanelornpete said:


> So I was wrong. They DO trust you. They trust you to be resentful, unforgiving, arrogant and pretty much someone in whom you do NOT confide.





michzz said:


> It seems a bit of a stretch to say that the one coping with their unfaithful spouse is the one creating damage in the relationship.





Tanelornpete said:


> I said nothing of the sort. If you read pretty much ANYTHING I write, you'll see that I hold each individual responsible for their own actions.


Sure you did, you mention a set of behaviors you believe accompany withholding forgiveness and stated that not forgiving teaches the cheating spouse that the betrayed spouse can only be trusted with negatives. 

I don't see it as a negative to insist on the truth, a dramatic proof of changed behavior before considering forgiveness.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

For michzz... 

Placed reply in separate thread -- I do not like thread jacking!

----------------
Now playing: Mozart - Symphony No. 38 in D Major, K. 504 'Prague' - 3 - Presto
via FoxyTunes


----------



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

the only truth you are ever going to believe fully is your gut feeling. ask as many questions as you want, but you are still making the choice to believe or not to believe...and more than likely you have already developed your thought process before you asked. So if you are going to ask questions, you need to let go of any preconceived notions and go forward with a clean mind and an open heart...very difficult to do; but possible.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> the only truth you are ever going to believe fully is your gut feeling. ask as many questions as you want, but you are still making the choice to believe or not to believe...and more than likely you have already developed your thought process before you asked. So if you are going to ask questions, you need to let go of any preconceived notions and go forward with a clean mind and an open heart...very difficult to do; but possible.


That was pretty much my entire point - you cannot know for sure if the truth has been said - no beam of light descends from on high illuminating your spouse when they come clean, no bell 'dings' - all that happens is that you decide what is true and what isn't. And you go on from there. 

Until you move onward, all you will do is sit, spinning your wheels, worrying about things that you are imagining. And if you decide you can't go forward until your imagination quits creating things for you, you'll simply be damaging any chances you have to recover your marriage.

Instead, set a boundary: something like "you choose not to be in a relationship where the truth is not given" - and that if you learn that you have been lied to you will end the relationship (or something along that line: it's a boundary that you put around you to protect you) - and then take steps to recover your marriage.

Here is an article that is quite useful in helping a marriage recover. It follows a continuum - you might be past the first step - but it is very effective in ending an affair and getting started in working on your marriage.

Please note: until the affair ends, no work can be done on your marriage. That's why it is important to make sure your spouse is committed to working on the marriage before you begin anything else - even asking questions about details. 

We recommend three conditions be met before you start any work together on your marriage:

1) You and your spouse write a no contact letter to the Other Person, which YOU read AND mail. (Sample no contact letters.)

2) Your spouse gives you absolute transparency regarding phone records, email and IM passwords, access to all social websites, and any other means of communication - that is, you are made aware of all communications between your spouse and anyone else until trust has been rebuilt.

3) Your spouse gives you a specific indication that they are willing to work on the marriage.

When you have gone through all three steps, you will then be on track to learn ways to get the information you want - as well as any number of other things you will need for your marriage to recover - and then turn into a healthy one. You do NOT want to go back to the way things were. You never will anyway. The way things were is why the affair happened in the first place.

One further note: until those steps are met - anything you do except the steps noted in the article I linked will be a painful waste of your time.
----------------
Now playing: Ah Nee Mah - Flight Of The Raven
via FoxyTunes


----------

