# Step Forward



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We got a new bed today.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

Congrats

Don't give it to much of a work out, you want it to last !!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *We got a new bed today.*


I know just what that means to you !...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I know just what that means to you !...


Thanks  And she is the one who tracked it down, made all the arrangements, paid for it. I just had to put it together


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> Thanks  And she is the one who tracked it down, made all the arrangements, paid for it. *I just had to put it together*


Bet there was a world of enthusiasm with that screw -driver in your hand !


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yay! I remember wondering why you hadn't done this already.....now go break it in and mark your territory 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yay! I remember wondering why you hadn't done this already.....*now go break it in*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We already have  It is a queen sized water bed that is still not full of water yet, but we hit it as soon as there was barely enough.

There were a lot of reasons we hadn't yet, but the biggest was the fact that I had not made it a continuing issue. This last time I brought it up, she about started crying she felt so bad because I had continued to deal with it and she would forget it was an issue for me because I didn't keep bring it up. This was not a case where she did this to shut me up. She did it because she respects my feelings.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Bet there was a world of enthusiasm with that screw -driver in your hand !


There was, but it was strange at the same time...almost feelings of selfishness and guilt. It was done purely because of my feelings. The old bed means nothing to her, and yet she went through a lot to get the new one. Replacing a perfectly good water bed with a different perfectly good waterbed is a lot of hassle.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Replacing your previous marriage bed with a brand new bed for your new marriage shouldn't be a hassle, regardless of the actual hassle.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> There was, but it was strange at the same time...almost feelings of selfishness and guilt. It was done purely because of my feelings. The old bed means nothing to her, and yet she went through a lot to get the new one. Replacing a perfectly good water bed with a different perfectly good *waterbed* is a lot of hassle.


 A water bed ~ haven't thought about those in years... we used to have one 18 yrs ago ... only bought it because our 2nd house was so darn cold, it was block, needed insulation badly -so a heated bed was one way to keep warm at night... but yeah...a lot more work replacing one of those!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Replacing your previous marriage bed with a brand new bed for your new marriage shouldn't be a hassle, regardless of the actual hassle.


And ultimately it wasn't, even though it was 

This was one of those things that she and I saw prety differently. She had no attachment to that bed. There was no symbolism on any level for her. To her, it was just a bed.

Getting a new one when the old one was perfectly fine was actually somewhat of a big deal because she is the type of person who will use something until it no longer works and can't even be repaired. She hates waste. So the fact that not only was she willing to do this, but did it without pointing out that the old one was perfectly good, or any kiond of a deal about how big of a saccrifice it was, how lucky I was she was doing it...it was all about my feelings and how she wanted to support me. She respected and supported my feelings even when she could not possibly relate to them.

Then there was the added benefit of her watching me taking the old one down and putting the new one up, and she told me how sexy it was watching me, that I was so good at it and how easy I made it look...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *Getting a new one when the old one was perfectly fine was actually somewhat of a big deal because she is the type of person who will use something until it no longer works and can't even be repaired.* *She hates waste*. So the fact that not only was she willing to do this, but did it without pointing out that the old one was perfectly good, or any kiond of a deal about how big of a saccrifice it was, how lucky I was she was doing it...it was all about my feelings and how she wanted to support me. She respected and supported my feelings even when she could not possibly relate to them.


 I am the same way, I just don't like waste, it's not easy to throw something out that can be fixed, restored, or I'd want to find it a home -at least... did you guys ask friends if they wanted it ???

I am the type when we drive past & I see a perfectly good building being demolished to build another -just cause the store or restaurant looks different, I am thinking "OMG that is so freaking wasteful -then we wonder why our country is in so much darn debt -cause so many live like that".... 

But at the same time.. I am thankful so I can get such good deals Second hand, used cars etc... It has it's blessings too. 

Our oldest car got banged up by 1st son while on his learners permit...he hydroplaned... then 2nd son (this is 6 + yrs later) .. slid on some ice... hit a telephone pole...banged up the other side....took out the headlights, bumper messed up, still runs !!... husband fixed it best he could last night... we'll keep driving it... 3rd son is due to get his permit in the next few months.... he'll probably mess up the back end..it's all good ! That's his work car.. The guys joke at work it is so old he needs a crank on the hood.. 

But yeah.. it was something that carried great meaning *to you *... and she looked past her feelings .. worth it to see that  /  on your face I am so sure...when it is something very important to our partners, we need to listen.... 



> *Then there was the added benefit of her watching me taking the old one down and putting the new one up, and she told me how sexy it was watching me, that I was so good at it and how easy I made it look.*..


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am the same way, I just don't like waste, it's not easy to throw something out that can be fixed, restored, or I'd want to find it a home -at least... did you guys ask friends if they wanted it ???
> 
> I am the type when we drive past & I see a perfectly good building being demolished to build another -just cause the store or restaurant looks different, I am thinking "OMG that is so freaking wasteful -then we wonder why our country is in so much darn debt -cause so many live like that"....
> 
> ...


I have mentioned it before, but you and my STBW are very similar in many ways, as is your husband and myself. We have just taken a different road to get to where we are.

We are probably going to set the old bed up in the spare room so my son can use it when he is over, or any guests. We have offered it out too, so if there are any takers, it's theirs.

One interesting thing about it though...she bought the bed second hand, and explained to the woman she bought it from why she needed it, and the lady understood and agreed completely. When we were talking later, my STBW, almost apologizing for me having to wait so long for it explained that she had just never had a partner, or really known any man who cared about things like this. I couldn't help but wonder if all of this is tied together, that the man who actually fills all of her needs and then some would inevitably actually care about something like this...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This was one of those things that she and I saw prety differently. She had no attachment to that bed. There was no symbolism on any level for her. To her, it was just a bed.


...but to you , it meant something and she was willing to accept that without framing you as " _insecure and controlling._"


She is definitely a keeper, but you've known that all along.
Treat her well.
Those types are very hard to find.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It is interesting because we sleep on the bed my H had when we met (ie: he has slept with previous girlfriends in it) and we live in the house I had during my previous marriage, so his old-life bed is in my old-life bedroom.

For some reason, this doesn't really bother us. I am not sure why.

OTOH, I used to used a yahoo account that had my old married last name in the address. I mostly gave it out only for things I didn't want mail from...to sign up for things, junk mail, etc. 

But it bugged my H that I still used it.

That bugged him but not the fact that we sleep in the same master bedroom I slept with my ex's in?

Doesn't matter.

I stopped using the email address.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> It is interesting because we sleep on the bed my H had when we met (ie: he has slept with previous girlfriends in it) and we live in the house I had during my previous marriage, so his old-life bed is in my old-life bedroom.
> 
> For some reason, this doesn't really bother us. I am not sure why.
> 
> That bugged him but not the fact that we sleep in the same master bedroom I slept with my ex's in?


The see said the blind man after picked up the hammer and SAW...................

You did not bang a OM on your BH in your bedroom.

Your BH did not bang an OW on you in his bed.

I think you need to go to the hardware store and
pick up a hammer and
saw...........................


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And ultimately it wasn't, even though it was
> 
> This was one of those things that she and I saw prety differently. She had no attachment to that bed. There was no symbolism on any level for her. To her, it was just a bed.


This demonstrates the WS ability to compartmentalize her affair and to block out those memories. Remember she was able to ignore that you had to sleep on that bed that she brought the OM to use.

As well as the WS doing damage control.

As for the compliments you received they were said to repair your self esteem. Your WW does appreciate that you are handy. These are two separate things. That happen to line up at that moment.

Money is very tight for us now. If my wife had carried on with the OM in our vehicle I would not be able to keep it. Would not get much money for it. Would not be able to replace it. Though it would be gone.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> It is interesting because we sleep on the bed my H had when we met (ie: he has slept with previous girlfriends in it) and we live in the house I had during my previous marriage, so his old-life bed is in my old-life bedroom.
> 
> For some reason, this doesn't really bother us. I am not sure why.
> 
> ...


Her email address is the next thing...shows her old married name, and has her ex husbands birthdate in the actual address...it doesn't really bother me too much, but the times I have had to be the one to type it in left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> This demonstrates the WS ability to compartmentalize her affair and to block out those memories. Remember she was able to ignore that you had to sleep on that bed that she brought the OM to use.
> 
> As well as the WS doing damage control.
> 
> ...


Uhhh...there was no OM or any affair or anything...this was simply the bed she shared with her ex husband and the boyfriend after him before she and I met...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

theroad said:


> The see said the blind man after picked up the hammer and SAW...................
> 
> You did not bang a OM on your BH in your bedroom.
> 
> ...


What is interesting in your response is that it shows you do not know anything about samyeager's story. I do though, so that is why I answered with my completely relevant statement.

I think you need to go to the forum etiquette school where you find out that you should know what you are talking about before you say it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Uhhh...there was no OM or any affair or anything...this was simply the bed she shared with her ex husband and the boyfriend after him before she and I met...


Then there was no need to replace the bed. For if you will replace the bed then why not the sofa that they sat on. The house they lived in, the clothes she wore with them, shoes, everything.

Just toss everything that she had before she met you then throw her into the bed of a pickup truck and drive through the car wash a half dozen times.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> What is interesting in your response is that it shows you do not know anything about samyeager's story. I do though, so that is why I answered with my completely relevant statement.
> 
> I think you need to go to the forum etiquette school where you find out that you should know what you are talking about before you say it.


Sorry I am not perfect as you and sometimes get my stories mixed.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I wouldn't have even said anything, but you sounded so mean about it in your post to me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> Then there was no need to replace the bed. For if you will replace the bed then why not the sofa that they sat on. The house they lived in, the clothes she wore with them, shoes, everything.
> 
> Just toss everything that she had before she met you then throw her into the bed of a pickup truck and drive through the car wash a half dozen times.


Different people attach different symbolic values to different things. Being around here as long as you have been, one would have though you would have noticed that. Even in this very thread, FW's husband had an issue with her email address, and she changed it, no questions because she loves and respects her husband and his feelings.

The marital bed is something that has had symbolic and emotional value for a lot of people for a very long time, and yes, there are people out there who would want virtually everything from a past relationship to be replaced.

This is not a one way street in my relationship with my STBW. The license plates on my car used to be personalized with mine and my ex wifes initials on them. She mentioned one day that it bugged her having to see that and everyone else seeing it every time we were in my car. When it came time to renew the plates, I got different ones. No questions, and it didn't bother me in the least because it was helping her be more comfortable.

I am fortunate enough to have found a woman who respects the value I place on the marital bed. While she didn't feel the same way, she accepted my feelings and rather than dismissing them, she embraced me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *The marital bed is something that has had symbolic and emotional value for a lot of people *


 This is very true, we all think differently and attach special meaning to ...well... whatever we may, this is what makes us Unique....









To find ourselves a Lover who DOES care how we feel, even if they may not fully grasp it...who doesn't try to belittle us & tell us our feelings are wrong, unnecessary, we are over reacting, etc...this is the beginning of their coming to deeply understand us... some things are worth more than gold ....none of us would want anything less from a life partner...

When this is not met...it shuts something down in us...it stomps on our connection...it's just THAT important...



> *This is not a one way street in my relationship with my STBW. The license plates on my car used to be personalized with mine and my ex wifes initials on them. She mentioned one day that it bugged her having to see that and everyone else seeing it every time we were in my car. When it came time to renew the plates, I got different ones. No questions, and it didn't bother me in the least because it was helping her be more comfortable.*


 We want to do all we can DO to make the one we love -FEEL the most loved..this too , should make us . 



> *I am fortunate enough to have found a woman who respects the value I place on the marital bed. While she didn't feel the same way, she accepted my feelings and rather than dismissing them, she embraced me.*


 I am sure she loves you for being just the way you are *>>* sentimental and such a "one woman" guy...she is very blessed.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> It is interesting because we sleep on the bed my H had when we met (ie: he has slept with previous girlfriends in it) and we live in the house I had during my previous marriage, so his old-life bed is in my old-life bedroom.
> 
> For some reason, this doesn't really bother us. I am not sure why.


Because it's not something that should bother a well adjusted person in a happy relationship, that's why.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Because it's not something that should bother a well adjusted person in a happy relationship, that's why.


I'm sure you'll disagree with this because well, you disagree, but it is rather presumptuous of you to make such sweeping absolute statements. It really does come off as you saying...since it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother anyone, and if it does, they are wrong.

Getting a new bed as a couple is not that uncommon. People who move into the former marital home of their partner often repaint, redecorate to make it theirs. I find it hard to believe there are so many maladjusted people in unhappy relationships.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> There were a lot of reasons we hadn't yet, but the biggest was the fact that I had not made it a continuing issue. This last time I brought it up, she about started crying she felt so bad because I had continued to deal with it and *she would forget it was an issue for me because I didn't keep bring it up.* This was not a case where she did this to shut me up. She did it because she respects my feelings.


Does this bother you and if so, how do you plan to address this issue? Because as I read this, it came across as some what dismissive. That is, you bringing up something once or twice is not enough. She does not really consider your feelings unless you hound her on a particular issue. 

Not sure if that is how things are really happening, but am curious if you see that as an issue.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Does this bother you and if so, how do you plan to address this issue? Because as I read this, it came across as some what dismissive. That is, you bringing up something once or twice is not enough. She does not really consider your feelings unless you hound her on a particular issue.
> 
> Not sure if that is how things are really happening, but am curious if you see that as an issue.


Oh no, I don't see this as an issue. It wasn't dismissive. We simply didn't have the money the few times I brought it up. There were in fact a few times out of the blue that she reminded me she hadn't forgotten about it. When we finally got the bed, she explained that the fact that I did not constantly bring it up, or hammer her with it is why she just didn't think about it all the time. I never felt marginalized or my feelings dismissed. She had just gotten her tax return, and made that the first thing bought out of it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Because it's not something that should bother a well adjusted person in a happy relationship, that's why.


Cletus, I know what you are saying seems logical...but the emotions and reactions we have surrounding love are not always logical.

Since you haven't been divorced and gone through that nightmare of pain and disillusionment, and since you have no reason to experience jealousy in your marriage, I'm gonna just say, you don't really know how you would feel about these matters.

And also...neither my H nor I are well-adjusted. 

We are in a happy relationship, though! But that doesn't stop us from feeling illogical emotions and reactions.

There are things my H and I *are* jealous or edgy about, other than the bed, that many might call us crazy for if I listed them.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Oh no, I don't see this as an issue. It wasn't dismissive. We simply didn't have the money the few times I brought it up. There were in fact a few times out of the blue that she reminded me she hadn't forgotten about it. When we finally got the bed, she explained that the fact that I did not constantly bring it up, or hammer her with it is why she just didn't think about it all the time. I never felt marginalized or my feelings dismissed. She had just gotten her tax return, and made that the first thing bought out of it.


Yet you had no problem letting her use the same tube of lipstick before she kissed you that she used with the OM before you.

You let her wear the same clothes that she wore on dates with the OM with on dates with you.

You let here hop into bed with you wearing the same bra and panties that she wore with the OM before you.

You have no problem petting on the sofa with you that she used with the OM.

New bed, yet still in the same bedroom.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hey Samyeagar... this morning I mentioned this thread to husband...

Curiously I asked him...how he thought * HE* might feel in that situation.... He said he could see it bothering him too...Knowing how he is...never one to toot his own horn.. or push... I told him I could see him not even saying anything about it...he said he could only see him bringing it up once/ a suggestion...and if I brushed him off...he'd never mention it again.. yet saying ... it would still bother him...

The point being... I think it's great you & her came to this place...even if you had to mention it a few times...whether others understand it or not...I know with my husband...the man never complains and I damn well better catch it the 1st time - if he tries to speak how he feels ...the fact I ask him so many questions , digging to know his feelings....(cause I do care!)... it's been a blessing...needed more in touch with that in the past.....but yeah... there are other men out there who would FEEL as you do.

This is just my personal thoughts, I can think of far more things that would bother me in a man over something like this, I think it's wholly sweet you want to mark your territory with her.. I much prefer men who are FEELING over THINKING on those temperament charts, as they seem more understanding to us women when we are illogical emotionally and we sure have our moments!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

theroad said:


> Yet you had no problem letting her use the same tube of lipstick before she kissed you that she used with the OM before you.
> 
> You let her wear the same clothes that she wore on dates with the OM with on dates with you.
> 
> ...



So...how many times do we have to explain there is no OM in this scenario? :scratchhead:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Oh no, I don't see this as an issue. It wasn't dismissive. We simply didn't have the money the few times I brought it up. There were in fact a few times out of the blue that she reminded me she hadn't forgotten about it. When we finally got the bed, she explained that the fact that I did not constantly bring it up, or hammer her with it is why she just didn't think about it all the time. I never felt marginalized or my feelings dismissed. She had just gotten her tax return, and made that the first thing bought out of it.


Thanks. It just struck me as an odd thing to cry about, as well as your words that she does not think about it unless you repeatedly raise it. If you are fine with it, that is what matters.


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> So...how many times do we have to explain there is no OM in this scenario? :scratchhead:


:rofl:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> So...how many times do we have to explain there is no OM in this scenario? :scratchhead:


Short hand nomenclature and the OP is acting as if the x polluted everything as if the x was an OM.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hey Sam, happy for you! Know how important this was to you. I bet it must feel great being with a woman who cares as much about your feelings as you do hers. Wonderful how that works sometimes!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

theroad said:


> Short hand nomenclature and the OP is acting as if the x polluted everything as if the x was an OM.


Short hand nomenclature is fine when it accurately describes what the long hand does. In the case of what you are doing, it is deliberately using inflammatory terminology to misrepresent things, to create a kind of straw man. It is intellectually dishonest. I detect a certain amount of triggering, projection, and possibly envy?


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