# Wife still cheating. I just filed for D



## Affaircare

NOTE TO SELF: I am not the Original Poster, my "wife" is not still cheating, and I have not filed for divorce. I am a female person so I have no "wife" LOL  My husband isn't cheating either! LOL  And I am ecstatically married to @Tanelornpete

I'm not sure what happened to this thread, but the OP is @collin8550. Without reposting the original post (because I can't remember it), in summary he caught his wife cheating, she won't stop the affair, he filed for D and she blew up his phone with texts and calls. I replied...

______________________________


There's an easy way to block her from texting you: Turn your cell phone off!!

Unless there is BLOOD or FIRE she has no need to contact you, period. The chances of BLOOD or FIRE are pretty slim, and if there is BLOOD or FIRE she should call 911 first, anyway. 


TURN YOUR PHONE OFF...and go about the rest of your night in peace.


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## *Deidre*

collin8550 said:


> Dang. I can't find how to block a number on my new phone. She is sending non stop texts about how the affair was my fault and I should have tried harder so she would have been able to end the affair. Also said I shouldn't tell people the affair was going on over a year because they weren't sleeping together all that time but just talking.
> 
> I'm trying to search on the Internet how to block her number but I can't find anything.


You should be able to go online to your cell phone carrier and there should be a section for how to block a number. I've done this before, it's easy, but maybe every carrier varies.


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## JohnA

Don't delete her rants. Six months from now she truly will not remember what she wrote or will minimize them. Read this and then re-read her rants.

Short version of DARVO*

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused and*attacks the accuser's credibility or even if the event occurred. * **term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory."*

"By denying, attacking ' *and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).

It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)
It wasn't harmful *Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.

Hat tip to @marduk


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## 225985

*Deidre* said:


> You should be able to go online to your cell phone carrier and there should be a section for how to block a number. I've done this before, it's easy, but maybe every carrier varies.




You can block it just using the phone. That is a feature in any smartphone.


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## collin8550

Thanks for that info on DARVO. Makes sense.

I feel sorry for her and I don't know why. She treated me horribly but when I think about her ruining her life and turning into trash, I have pity. Maybe that's a normal and common feeling?

Also, did any of you that went thru this ever have times where you think back to past times where you messed up or was selfish and feel like the bad guy? As long as I feel morally superior I am in a good mood, but I think back to times we fought where I was actually wrong, then I feel bad. I never had an affair or anything like that, but I think back to times I may have been mad and said something mean or skipped out on a date to hang out with friends.


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## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> Thanks for that info on DARVO. Makes sense.
> 
> I feel sorry for her and I don't know why. She treated me horribly but when I think about her ruining her life and turning into trash, I have pity. Maybe that's a normal and common feeling?
> 
> Also, did any of you that went thru this ever have times where you think back to past times where you messed up or was selfish and feel like the bad guy? As long as I feel morally superior I am in a good mood, but I think back to times we fought where I was actually wrong, then I feel bad. I never had an affair or anything like that, but I think back to times I may have been mad and said something mean or skipped out on a date to hang out with friends.


No one is perfect. There is no perfect marriage. We all have flaws. 

You didn't go out and have an affair on her because of her behavior/issues did you? 

Quit looking for an excuse for her behavior. There aren't any


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## Marc878

She's blameshifting her affair on you. Typical cheater script.


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## straightshooter

Marc878 said:


> She's blameshifting her affair on you. Typical cheater script.


Collin,

Read the above every 15 minutes . The minute you start to believe that this is your fault you are doomed to have it happen again. 
You may own 50% of a ****ty marriage.
She owns 100% of screwing another man and not agreeing to stop in a verifiable manner.

Now change your phone number or just stop talking to her for anything. The minute the conversation moves past "what time do I get the kids" you hang up. This is pure manipulation she is trying and if she gets the chance she will probably turn sexual sincce that is her way of getting her way.

If you backpedal you are going to get whacked again


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## Spotthedeaddog

collin8550 said:


> Found out about my wifes affair a few months ago. She left and then we decided to try recovery after a week and she moved back home. I improved a lot but she started back contacting her affair partner and sneaking around.
> 
> I surprised her on the day before thanksgiving by informing her I filed for divorce a couple weeks prior and was moving out the next morning. I told her I didn't want to have any contact with her and she could keep the kids a week and I would keep them a week. They are 3 and 5 years old. I told her that if she eventually wants to end the affair and try a real recovery, to let me know. But for the meantime I want no contact at all.
> 
> When I told her I was leaving and the following morning, she was crying and saying she just wanted time to end the affair on her own. I told her it doesn't work that way. I wasn't mean or anything, but told her its too late and my decision is final.
> 
> I still have a few things to get from the house, so she caught me yesterday. She was saying all kind of things like from wanting me to stay at home with kids for Christmas and special events to us being "roommates". She asked if I was going to go out partying and stuff and sleep with other people. I told her I cant sleep with anyone until I heal from her affair. She then asked if we could have sex, but I told her no.
> 
> She texted me a few more times that evening. But I told her I didn't want to talk and that I was going to block her if she kept texting me. She texted me a picture of a marriage book I tried to get her to read the past few months, to let me know she was finally reading it.
> 
> She is acting like she is improving all the things I complained about, but she still has never mentioned ending the affair. I guess she wants me to continue being a babysitter and financial support so she can continue texting her affair partner everyday. She wants us to work on the marriage while she talks to him everyday, thinking she will eventually like me better and be able to quit him for good.
> 
> So what should I do? The first day or two when I told her I was leaving, I felt good. Like I was free and she would finally see how hard life is without me. But since I broke my no contact with her, I am depressed a little today and thinking about going back home. Its going to really be sad tomorrow when she takes the kids for a week and I am alone.
> 
> Should I go completely dark with no contact, or talk a little when she contacts me? I told her I will work on the marriage one day if she ends the affair and if she doesn't, I will already be well on my way to a new and better life.


She will have to completely break it with him, also you're setting yourself up for a split when she hits 50ish and "falls out of love with you".

Probably best advice; walk away she's obviously not confronting your needs regarding the affair, whatever you do don't be flexible about "babysitting" your time with your kids is family time so keep it regular if she wants you to "babysit" only do so on permanent change to the rules, do not under any circumstances lend her money, and make sure all your bank accounts/loans/cc are separate. THEN do what is best for the kids - they're the only victims here (you 2 are both adults, so its up to you to be best rolemodel that you can for them)


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## Jasel

bandit.45 said:


> Your WW is texting like a madwoman because you have her running scared. She's scared to death of losing her good reputation and esteem with her family and friends. She's trying to get you to cave, so she blames you for her bad behavior. Don't take the bait. If you cannot exert self control, then delete the unread texts as they come in.


Actually I'd keep the texts, he doesn't have to read them. Back them up for his lawyer in case it's anything that can help him in the divorce or with custody.


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## TaDor

Jponce06 said:


> TaDor said:
> 
> 
> 
> Doing pretty good Collins. We've all been there. I'll try to make my 2 cents short.
> I was thinking of revenge sex with the POSOMs mother... A
> 
> 
> 
> Hahaha holy ****...a good way to get shot. Just wow...was the POSOM younger or were you willing to sleep with a much older woman as a **** you, to him?
Click to expand...

It wasn't close to happening. Just typical stuff that goes thru a BS mind. Like I said... She was nuts anyway but she provided lots of intel that I used against her son & WW legally and put me in a better position protect myself and son.

I'm in my mid 40s. He was 21 back then. His last female was a 20 yr old... Cute, but not worth touching and a drug and booze addict.

So no... Not close to touching that. Just mean fantasy to hurt someone.


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## *Deidre*

blueinbr said:


> You can block it just using the phone. That is a feature in any smartphone.


Yes, this too.


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## moth-into-flame

You're making a mistake telling her there's still a chance for reconciliation if she "eventually stops cheating". That is a tremendous sign of weakness and shows you have no boundaries and are still totally cool being Plan B. It shows your weakness to her, but more importantly, you're not being respectful to yourself.

Your cheating wife is a classic manipulator, and even though you've filed, she still has you wrapped around her finger. She is still in control. Make no mistake - she still lusts after and is "in love" (it's not real love of course) with the posom. Losing you is simply losing her comfortable married life and all the perks that come with it. It's not YOU she's afraid of losing - it's the marriage and the status that comes with.

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you, has ZERO respect for you, and sorry, but doesn't love you, or at least not a healthy, real love?

Be warned: if she somehow convinces you she's actually done with her AP and you take her back - your life will NOT be any better than if you divorce her. Divorce and losing 50% of your access to your children SUCKS. I went through it - I see my kids Fri-Mon. But the alternative - living with someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible - treated you worse than their worst enemy, put you at risk of disease, disrespected you in the ultimate way, and counts you as Plan B - is FAR worse than being divorced and starting a new life. Your trust is gone, and you will never, ever get it back. Believe me. Living a life without trust in your spouse, constantly wondering and worrying, and on top of that, living with the anger and resentment towards them for what they already did to you - is no way to live.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your kids. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're here.


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## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> But I'm still kind of stuck hoping she will end the affair and agree to reconcile. Hopefully that goes away pretty soon.


Right now, you are your own worst enemy.


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## JohnA

Your in plan A mode from Marriage Buikders. Understand even the guy who came up with the plan did so for those who could not get off the fence and believed on the lotto. Yes people win the lotto, but to build your life on the dream of winnin? 

I do buy lotto tickets several times a YEAR, but my house and car are paid for and I have no debt at age 61.


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## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> Thanks Spicy and everyone else. I guess I want to date just to get some attention and get back my manhood. But I would be forcing myself, because I really don't feel like it. But I think I would feel like less of a loser.
> 
> Whenever WW let the kids FaceTime me earlier, she snuck in a couple times but I answered only yes and no to a couple child based questions. And man did she look unattractive. And she was literally holding back tears while saying the kids were so bad all day. I just looked at her face and remembered all the times of her yelling and angry.
> 
> Right after D-day when I saw her I thought she looked better than ever. Tonight it was like "why the hell did I ever desire her?"


I dated almost immediately after dday. For those exact reasons - I needed to know I was still desirable and had my manhood. Being cheated on is unbelievably emasculating. It did me WONDERS, and as soon as my exww found out, she was livid, then wanted me back in short order. It can be extremely good for your shattered self confidence. However - realize that you are an open wound, and are NOT a safe prospect for any kind of relationship right now. Just try not to hurt anyone - be straight about it and let whoever know that you're not emotionally available right now, but you are just looking for a release. I didn't do that - and I hurt some women along the way. They fell for me and then realized I was completely emotionally unavailable, and it wasn't pretty. I feel bad about it.

But sleeping with someone else after being betrayed so brutally gave me new life and restored my confidence. Go for it, just be careful and realize what it means. You won't be ready for a real relationship for some time. You need to divorce, then spend time on your own - learning who you are, learning to live alone and realizing you don't need a woman to complete you. That's critical, my friend. 

I'm 4 years past dday, 2 years divorced - I remain single, and dig it. Actually the thought of another relationship (outside FWB) is completely unappealing to me.


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## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> She texted to ask which day I filed for Divorce. I said "last week. Now I don't want to be mean, but I can't communicate with you. Respect my wishes. I don't want to block your number in case of the kids."
> 
> She said "what if I don't want a divorce? OK. I won't talk to you."
> 
> Then she sent a bunch of texts about how I didn't listen to figure out her needs and how to meet them and I never wanted to talk and communicate about fixing it. I reminded her that I tried very many times. She said I didn't though. And I just quit responding.
> 
> For a minute when she said she didn't want a divorce, a felt bad for her and almost kind of wanted to talk more. But when she got mad and said all that about meeting her needs, all of that went away and I am glad again that I don't have to go home to that.
> 
> I think I'm going to have to block her. I can tell her anger is going to progress until she tryst to hurt me bad in some way.


OMG - your ww and my exww are the same person. Uncanny.


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## moth-into-flame

WorkingOnMe said:


> If you ever want any chance at all with me you'll stop that and never do it again. You need serious counseling.'


NOOOOO! Take that offer OFF of the table, FOREVER!! Good grief, saying that puts him back to square one.

Please do not do that OP.


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## JohnA

At this point understand the question is not what to do about the "issues" or "her needs" but what is she doing about the adultery??? That is the only question to be answered at this time. If she cannot figure that out and boldly accept that her choice to accept and introduce Adlutery into the marriage is her's alone responsibility. 

You really want to reconcile start talking about triggers and how you will handle them. Talk about how you improve as a wife. Talk about our needs with a stess on how I will be made whole. Show me you have grown as a woman.


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## lordmayhem

JohnA said:


> Your in plan A mode from Marriage Buikders. Understand even the guy who came up with the plan did so for those who could not get off the fence and believed on the lotto. Yes people win the lotto, but to build your life on the dream of winnin?
> 
> I do buy lotto tickets several times a YEAR, but my house and car are paid for and I have no debt at age 61.


Dr Harley stated that if his wife cheated, there would be no reconciliation. 

This OPs first mistake is that he's too eager for R when she hasn't even begun to earn that shot at R.

This particular cheater is a cake eater.


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## straightshooter

JohnA said:


> Your in plan A mode from Marriage Buikders. Understand even the guy who came up with the plan did so for those who could not get off the fence and believed on the lotto. Yes people win the lotto, but to build your life on the dream of winnin?
> 
> I do buy lotto tickets several times a YEAR, but my house and car are paid for and I have no debt at age 61.


[*QUOTE=moth-into-flame;16958122]You're making a mistake telling her there's still a chance for reconciliation if she "eventually stops cheating". That is a tremendous sign of weakness and shows you have no boundaries and are still totally cool being Plan B. It shows your weakness to her, but more importantly, you're not being respectful to yourself.*

Your cheating wife is a classic manipulator, and even though you've filed, she still has you wrapped around her finger. She is still in control. Make no mistake - she still lusts after and is "in love" (it's not real love of course) with the posom. Losing you is simply losing her comfortable married life and all the perks that come with it. It's not YOU she's afraid of losing - it's the marriage and the status that comes with.

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you, has ZERO respect for you, and sorry, but doesn't love you, or at least not a healthy, real love?

Be warned: if she somehow convinces you she's actually done with her AP and you take her back - your life will NOT be any better than if you divorce her. Divorce and losing 50% of your access to your children SUCKS. I went through it - I see my kids Fri-Mon. But the alternative - living with someone who betrayed you in the worst way possible - treated you worse than their worst enemy, put you at risk of disease, disrespected you in the ultimate way, and counts you as Plan B - is FAR worse than being divorced and starting a new life. Your trust is gone, and you will never, ever get it back. Believe me. Living a life without trust in your spouse, constantly wondering and worrying, and on top of that, living with the anger and resentment towards them for what they already did to you - is no way to live.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your kids. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're here.[/QUOTE]

Collin,

i hope you will read the above a few more times. If by any chance you have any thoughts of reconciliation with this woman her telling you that she has stopped cheating should be the LAST thing you put any credence in. Your first requirement if you ever got that far would be to tell her shes taking a ****ing polygraph test every three months until you decide to stop and that each time you will bring the divorce papers with you in case she fails. how could you ever begin to trust this woman again???? So stop telling her that if she stops cheating you'll consider R.

And on to the Marriage builder genius who gives advice to BH to woo your wife back, tell her how beautiful she is while she primps to go bang OM, and buy her flowers and shower her with love when she comes home from having sex with him. THAT IS DELUSIONAL and even this Dr. Hartley character clearly states that only a small percentage of men will be able to do this for 6-12 months that he claims affairs usually burn out in. So get that stupid idea out of your head if it is in there.

You are going to have weak moments but every time you do just think about what she has done and is still doing. That ought to make those thoughts go away pretty quick


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## collin8550

Yeah I agree with most of you. I think about R less and less and want it less and less. I really want it just for the kids, but she would have to make a complete transformation and she is too dumb and selfish for that. I feel bad that my kids' mother will likely have a miserable life and not be someone they are proud of, but I can't deal with her.

She let the kids FaceTime time me but they only talked a minute and wanted to go back to playing. WW kept trying to prolong the call. They accidentally hung up, so I called back and said "whoa I didn't realize it's 730. Daddy has to go. So she jumped in and said "why don't you want to talk to them? What are you about to go do?"

I just ignored her questions and told the kids bye. She kept trying to prolong it still. But she wasn't in that sad begging mode tonight. She was in the mean wayward mode which is pretty much her normal demeanor now. But it definitely made me like her less. If her and OM get together and stay together, he is going to be one miserable man.


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## JohnA

Now you are in a state of mind that occurs when a couple is actually in reconcilation, no spouse is in N/C and some progess is being made when the BS wakes up and realizes I can have a life without her, I can have a life with my children when I divorce so what the **** am I doing here. It is refered to as the lethal plain of something. 

Again has you wife even begun to realize the issue on the front burnner is her adultery? Again do not allow Plan A and Plan B to entire your life. It does have one element that is true - expouse even to children as young as age four. Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

I think you see the wisdom of what this poster wrote: 


For an affair to survive, it needs to have a marriage and it needs to have a supportive BS. *95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.


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## JohnA

As to the question are you dating. 

No, when I heal I will period divorced or separated but I will heal and become a better person, but that is not the question you need to ask. 

The question is "what am I doing to heal the damage my adultery has caused my spouse, my marriage, my children, myself".


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## Rubix Cubed

collin8550 said:


> So she jumped in and said "why don't you want to talk to them? What are you about to go do?"
> 
> I just ignored her questions and told the kids bye. She kept trying to prolong it still. But she wasn't in that sad begging mode tonight. She was in the mean wayward mode which is pretty much her normal demeanor now. But it definitely made me like her less. If her and OM get together and stay together, he is going to be one miserable man.


She might be in miserable WW mode, but she's sweating what you're up to. Now shut down any extra talk, and let her sweat even more.
Stay strong and keep using her meanness as fuel for yourself to keep doing the right thing.


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## sokillme

Rubix Cubed said:


> She might be in miserable WW mode, but she's sweating what you're up to. Now shut down any extra talk, and let her sweat even more.
> Stay strong and keep using her meanness as fuel for yourself to keep doing the right thing.


Why bother, just move on. Your life will be better and making her sweat just means you care what she thinks. You will truly be better off when you don't.


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## moth-into-flame

JohnA said:


> Show me you have grown as a woman.


But she hasn't, at all. And she won't. She doesn't even _want_ to.


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## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> I think about R less and less and want it less and less. I really want it just for the kids, but she would have to make a complete transformation and she is too dumb and selfish for that.


Lethal mistake - attempting to force R for the kids' sake. Listen - your wayward wife doesn't even really want to save this sham of a marriage. She's _exactly_ like my exww was at the beginning. Still in the "fog" and completely and utterly still into the other man and not thinking rationally - it's still 100% about her, her needs, her wants, her whims, her desires. I witnessed first hand what a beast of a person someone in an affair turns into (as have most of the people here). I get it - it's incredibly confounding and bewildering to watch this person you thought you knew and loved become a completely different, horrible person. It's a gigantic mind f*ck. 

She doesn't want a true, solid, loving, faithful marriage - but she also doesn't want you to move on and she does NOT want to know that you are capable of moving on and being happy without her. That drives cheating women batsh*t _insane_. Seriously. "I don't want you, I want someone or something else, but nobody else can have you either". She's a classic narcissist. People like this are like spoiled children. They are playing with their beloved toy - they get bored of it and throw it away and pick up another toy - which is now the _greatest toy in the world_. It's their "soul toy". However, as soon as one of the other toddlers picks up the old toy she threw away - she throws a tantrum and wants that toy back. Until she gets bored of it again - once she has it back. This is not some far fetched analogy - this is reality.

The more you detach, the more you stop giving her info on what you're doing with your life, the less interest you show in her - the more she will manipulate you to try and kybosh that. You will probably see this as her somehow turning a corner and coming back to reality - coming back to _you_. But it's false. It's not genuine. And if you take her back (if she even gets to the point of wanting to be taken back), mark my words my friend - you will suffer. She will do it again. You will be right back here.

Kids do NOT do well in a house with a fake marriage. My kids of course had a hard time (we all did), but they are MUCH happier now and we are MUCH closer than when I was with my exww. The bond that my kids and I developed post split has grown into something amazing. We are a team - a real trio. An unbreakable bond. This can be an opportunity for you to free yourself from a toxic woman and forge an amazing bond (beyond what you have now) with your kids.

My exww flipped when she found out I had moved on. "I just can't believe how fast you got over me and moved on". Yeah, that's ****ing right. Because she proved she wasn't worthy of me. Once she realized that, she desperately wanted me back. I gave R a chance for a few weeks, then realized no way. I cannot and will not devote my life to someone who gave her body and soul to some pos while we were still married and thrusted a butcher knife into my back, then twisted it slowly. Do not ever do that to yourself.

Another thing - there's anger coming. Anger like you've never experienced before - especially if you get back with her. It's not nearly as bad if you are done and start D. It'll still come, but if you get back together with her, you will begin to seethe - poison will start coursing through your veins and your contempt and resentment towards this woman will cause you to say horrible things. And justly so.

I was warned of this and shrugged it off. Boy were they right. Don't fall prey brother. Respect yourself and your children.


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## moth-into-flame

JohnA said:


> At this point understand the question is not what to do about the "issues" or "her needs" but what is she doing about the adultery??? That is the only question to be answered at this time. If she cannot figure that out and boldly accept that her choice to accept and introduce Adlutery into the marriage is her's alone responsibility.
> 
> You really want to reconcile start talking about triggers and how you will handle them. Talk about how you improve as a wife. Talk about our needs with a stess on how I will be made whole. Show me you have grown as a woman.


None of that is relevant. These are things to consider when you have a genuinely remorseful, contrite woman who knows she's done the worst thing she could ever possibly do, is totally sick over it and is desperate to save her marriage and seek forgiveness - willing to do _anything_ for the rest of her life to make things right. Do you know how rare that is? This woman isn't even close to wanting to save this marriage, let alone any of that other stuff. 

My exww actually got to that point during R. She told me every day, several times a day - "I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you", and she actually put that into action. She was genuinely remorseful and fought tooth and nail to save the marriage during our attempted R. She realized what she threw away, freaked out and then desperately tried to keep it afloat...all the while it was a slowly sinking ship. I wanted so badly to save my marriage and my family, but I realized...it was already dead - she had already killed it. So I filed. And now, 4 years later? She still tells me all the time that she desperately regrets making the "worst mistake of her life" and will never get over it. She still wants me back and sends inappropriate texts - and she's engaged to another guy! If I were her fiance - I'd be livid over how she communicates with me - I'd drop her like a sack of burning crap. And what does that tell me? I absolutely made the right decision. She would cheat with me in a heartbeat if I wanted that - and what does that say about the person she _still_ is? A broken, dishonest, f'ed up woman incapable of having integrity and being faithful - just like your cheating wife.

I'm sorry to be harsh - but this is the reality of this mess.


----------



## collin8550

I absolutely understand and believe what everyone is saying. I am certain it will be miserable if we try to reconcile. But I do enjoy when she is begging me to come back, and I'm sad when she acts like she is fine. I don't know why though. But when she begs I detest her, and when she acts fine I want her to beg some more. 

I messed up again earlier and talked a little bit to ask if she installed her alarm at home yet. I told her I have to go get some more of my stuff while she is gone.
She started asking questions so I told her I am leaving my parents and getting an apartment in a few days so I need a few pots and pans to cook. She started asking a bunch of questions about where it's at and who I am living with and how old they are and all that.

I want to tell her I am moving on and the offer for reconciliation is no longer open. But maybe I should wait until I get the last of my stuff out the house. Or should I not say anything at all?

And I'm not doing plan A right now or still supporting her like a couple posters said. I give just what the lawyer said I have to at this time. But it's not enough for her to pay all the bills. 

She was being cooperative today and not trying to talk me into staying, but she said she feels like her chest hurts all day and she has nightmares at night. But she also suggested that I could take some furniture for the apartment.


----------



## dubsey

Learn these. Repeat. You don't need to tell her anything. Non-answers tell more than your actual words anyway.

"I'm sorry you're having difficulty with this..."

"I'm sorry you feel that way"

"That's no longer a concern of yours."

her: where is your place, who are you living with
you: not a concern of yours

her: I'm having chest pains and nightmares
you: sorry you're having difficulty with this. it'll get easier, I'm sure


----------



## Yeswecan

collin8550 said:


> I absolutely understand and believe what everyone is saying. I am certain it will be miserable if we try to reconcile. But I do enjoy when she is begging me to come back, and I'm sad when she acts like she is fine. I don't know why though. But when she begs I detest her, and when she acts fine I want her to beg some more.
> 
> I messed up again earlier and talked a little bit to ask if she installed her alarm at home yet. I told her I have to go get some more of my stuff while she is gone.
> She started asking questions so I told her I am leaving my parents and getting an apartment in a few days so I need a few pots and pans to cook. She started asking a bunch of questions about where it's at and who I am living with and how old they are and all that. None of her business.
> 
> I want to tell her I am moving on and the offer for reconciliation is no longer open. But maybe I should wait until I get the last of my stuff out the house. Or should I not say anything at all? Go dark. 180. What you are doing is none of her business.
> 
> And I'm not doing plan A right now or still supporting her like a couple posters said. I give just what the lawyer said I have to at this time. But it's not enough for her to pay all the bills. It is the reality of the situation your W put the family in. Maybe a part time job for your stbx is in order.
> 
> She was being cooperative today and not trying to talk me into staying, but she said she feels like her chest hurts all day and she has nightmares at night. But she also suggested that I could take some furniture for the apartment. Sorry for the chest pains. Perhaps seeking medical attentoin should be advised. I'm certain your STBX will not see the doctor for assistance. It is a ploy. Get new furniture when you can. Do not accept peace offerings.


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## straightshooter

Collin

What she has not yet said is that she is no longer involved with OM or offered any way to verify that.

THAT IS THE ONLY THING YOU SHOULD HEAR FROM HER>

Block the rest out.

Her chest hurting is not your ****ing problem


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## JohnA

Hi Colin,

Moth and I where actually coming from the same place. My point was there is no remorse only seif-absorption, regret, and fear. She has shown no effort at personal growth and responsibility. I posted what you needed from her to attempt reconciliation. Moth has warn you that is often not enough. This is not a weakness in the BS, actually it shows strength and purity of motive. No BS owes reconciliation to a WS regardless of cicrumstsnces. If the marriage does survive and prosper, or a re-marrage occur it will never be "fair" to the BS. They do it only because it is still worth the pain to endure and a successful marriage is a price they will sacrifice for. 

As to messing up, we all do. Put it out of your head at night and judge yourself gently to the goals you have set (and which will evolve in time) and in the morning look the mirror and swy today I kick ass.


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## moth-into-flame

We may be coming down hard with the 2x4 - but it's only because we have experience (sadly) and want what's best for you. Regarding messing up or making the wrong move - dude, you are in such a difficult, mind-bending, cruel place right now. A fresh BS is hardly in a place where they are going to be making the most logical and rational decisions. Do not be hard on yourself. It's brutally confusing and every decision seems wrenching. You're doing awesome - stay the course, stay strong. And remember - this is about you and what's best for you, not her. Doing what's best for you, will be best for your kids - as they need a strong, confident, resolute father who respects himself. THAT will have far more positive impact on your kids than forcing a marriage that shouldn't be, and thus devaluing yourself.


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## collin8550

I don't know Blue. The last thing she told me was that she was trying to get out but it's hard because "you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad.

She also said she was trying to find a solution where no one would get hurt. She said she can't leave home because it hurts me and the kids and she can't leave and hurt him. So basically she chose him over her own kids. 

The more I think about it though, I don't think I ever was crazy about her like I was with girls before her. And that made her chase after me even more. But once we got married and when our first child was born I started to feel real genuine love for the first time. But it lasted about a week and she started being lazy and neglecting the baby. Well, not neglecting it badly, but not showing the same love and affection I saw my mother and other women show for baby's. 

Same thing repeated with the second baby and I thought maybe it was post partum depression, but the affair started not long after that. And maybe it was depression that allowed the affair to develop. 

On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"

I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.


----------



## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> I don't know Blue. The last thing she told me was that she was trying to get out but it's hard because "you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad.
> 
> She also said she was trying to find a solution where no one would get hurt. She said she can't leave home because it hurts me and the kids and she can't leave and hurt him. So basically she chose him over her own kids.
> 
> The more I think about it though, I don't think I ever was crazy about her like I was with girls before her. And that made her chase after me even more. But once we got married and when our first child was born I started to feel real genuine love for the first time. But it lasted about a week and she started being lazy and neglecting the baby. Well, not neglecting it badly, but not showing the same love and affection I saw my mother and other women show for baby's.
> 
> Same thing repeated with the second baby and I thought maybe it was post partum depression, but the affair started not long after that. And maybe it was depression that allowed the affair to develop.
> 
> On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"
> 
> I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.


Oh my GOD!!! Yeah, good riddance. She's something else man.


----------



## collin8550

She isn't very good, but she was different from a lot of the wayward stories I read. For instance, they talk about the wayward being addicted and all that and thinking they found their soul mate, and she is like that for the most part. But on my VAR I heard her treating OM like **** a few times and putting him down and building me up. He whined and cried about it and they fought some more (that was difficult hearing another man argue with my wife and I can't get to him to beat him up). But hearing them fight made me think either it wasn't real and was about to fail, or that it was the real thing because of that. But maybe it is common for affair partners to fight like that and then make up later.

Or maybe she is just a major B**** and can't get along with anyone.


----------



## lordmayhem

collin8550 said:


> She isn't very good, but she was different from a lot of the wayward stories I read. For instance, they talk about the wayward being addicted and all that and thinking they found their soul mate, and she is like that for the most part. But on my VAR I heard her treating OM like **** a few times and putting him down and building me up. He whined and cried about it and they fought some more (that was difficult hearing another man argue with my wife and I can't get to him to beat him up). But hearing them fight made me think either it wasn't real and was about to fail, or that it was the real thing because of that. But maybe it is common for affair partners to fight like that and then make up later.
> 
> Or maybe she is just a major B**** and can't get along with anyone.


Reminds me of luvmyjava. His WW and OM were fighting all the time, but that's still part of the affair. I know its hard to read, but they love the makeup sex.

If you're even thinking of R, any attempt at R will be guaranteed to fail while the affair is going on. These are the pillars of R:


----------



## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> She isn't very good, but she was different from a lot of the wayward stories I read. For instance, they talk about the wayward being addicted and all that and thinking they found their soul mate, and she is like that for the most part. But on my VAR I heard her treating OM like **** a few times and putting him down and building me up. He whined and cried about it and they fought some more (that was difficult hearing another man argue with my wife and I can't get to him to beat him up). But hearing them fight made me think either it wasn't real and was about to fail, or that it was the real thing because of that. But maybe it is common for affair partners to fight like that and then make up later.
> 
> Or maybe she is just a major B**** and can't get along with anyone.


I know my exww and her "soulmate" (lol) had more than one public blow up. I would imagine there is a lot of tension there - the anxiety and maybe the AP being pissed because the wayward is still "with" their spouse? I don't know. All speculation. I have no idea how these people's minds actually work. Different breed.


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## bandit.45

Try doing this:

*Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.*


----------



## TaDor

As long as she is concerned with HIS feelings... then yours and your children are not being considered.

If she want's to do the R, the workload is on her. 

When my WW wanted to do real R, I let her do it... prove herself. Rather than what I tried to direct or set rules. I was there, when she decided to do NC and end it - so I watched, I did not tell her anything this time. She texted him it was over. He responded text wise, did make a short call. But she did it. Then deleted his contact info, blocked him and erased anything that was him off her phone. Then on her old phone (which I was paying for) - removed pics, etc.

At best, if you are drawn into a conversation with her (ugh) - tell her, "she needs to do the work to do R. But you are NOT waiting for her to decide." I wouldn't wait... I know I did and tried a lot at first. But I did start dating and having NSA sex with others.

I agree with others, she isn't there yet. And you need to work on YOU.


----------



## JohnA

On a side note I guess that open marriage offer was bogus. If it was not why is she so concerned with your social life.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> I don't know Blue. The last thing she told me was that she was trying to get out but it's hard because "you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad.
> 
> She also said she was trying to find a solution where no one would get hurt. She said she can't leave home because it hurts me and the kids and she can't leave and hurt him.
> 
> ----------------------
> 
> On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"
> 
> I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.


Your wife is a silly child. Really really silly.


----------



## sokillme

TaDor said:


> As long as she is concerned with HIS feelings... then yours and your children are not being considered.
> 
> If she want's to do the R, the workload is on her.
> 
> When my WW wanted to do real R, I let her do it... prove herself. Rather than what I tried to direct or set rules. I was there, when she decided to do NC and end it - so I watched, I did not tell her anything this time. She texted him it was over. He responded text wise, did make a short call. But she did it. Then deleted his contact info, blocked him and erased anything that was him off her phone. Then on her old phone (which I was paying for) - removed pics, etc.
> 
> At best, if you are drawn into a conversation with her (ugh) - tell her, "she needs to do the work to do R. But you are NOT waiting for her to decide." I wouldn't wait... I know I did and tried a lot at first. But I did start dating and having NSA sex with others.
> 
> I agree with others, she isn't there yet. And you need to work on YOU.


This doesn't strike me as a very happy positive story. It's just kind of sad. You listened to your own wife go NC with another man, call him to break up with him and remove pics and that is a success?


----------



## sokillme

blueinbr said:


> I wonder how many of you are coming down hard on OP's wife, including any attempt by her to R, as a proxy to get revenge on your exWW.
> 
> Are you going to label any R attempt as false or doomed to fail long term?
> 
> Not every cheater is the spawn of evil. The WS may actually need help to get out of the situation and return "home".
> 
> If your recommendation is for OP to divorce and never look back or attempt R under any circumstances, then say that clearly.


Not all WW's are evil but most are just less emotionally evolved, they don't fell empathy the way decent people do. They just don't, how could they and do the evil things they do. This is why most are not really good candidates to R with. They are just kind of self centered, emotionally stunted people, and therefor not worth the investment. I would say about 1 in 50 is worth it, and this would only be if they had like a one night stand. I hope they get help but I don't think they should be married at least not to the BS. 

Occasionally they have an epiphany but then other issue is, even if they change and you get them back, so what what do you win, the person who hurt you most in life. Your life is almost always better without them. You get to settle for plan B, a marriage that is tainted, by distrust and rightfully so. It's like winning a broken watch, looks nice, doesn't tell time though. 

Unless you were a monster as well then maybe you can both change and have a better marriage then before. But if you are the typical guy/girl who posts in the just found out thread of SI then you can do much better, because you have the capacity for empathy and loyalty, and you will be happier with someone who also has these traits. It really is only fear, convenience and love that keeps you. All those things are not worth it, and love can be found with someone else and you can still have a life that is Plan A.

So people are not being mean they are just being truthful. WW pretty much suck and going back to a WW is settling for less. Why?


----------



## TaDor

sokillme said:


> This doesn't strike me as a very happy positive story. It's just kind of sad. You listened to your own wife go NC with another man, call him to break up with him and remove pics and that is a success?


Well... Issue there is that I discussed a snippet of a start and you call it sad? The NC was about transparency. You know, one of those aspects of a relationship or repairing one. It was a start. 
Still 8 months of MC since then, that she has gone to all of them, gladly. During R, we still did final orders in which I have primary rights to our son. Actually, she gave me all that is legally allowed by state law. It was to show & prove that she wasn't playing me to get out of court or fight me. I told her that I am not stopping any legal process in play and will still go to final orders whether we do R or NOT (this was when she asked me to give her a chance). She agreed to it and never complained about it. We even brought it up during MC. 

Early on, she exposed her entire legal side of things. Her lawyer info, battle plans, etc. She basically exposed her belly. Her position was weaker than I thought... And I had spotted that her lawyer was scamming her - saving her thousands of dollars.

We're finishing up MC with a few more sessions that my insurance has already agreed to pay for... And we're in great shape. We'll do sessions here and there if we feel like either one needs it... But no more regular weekly sessions. He says the "not just friends" by Shirley Glass (recommend to me by people on this site) has been very helpful to us.

Honestly, the relationship with my wayward is by far, BETTER today in every way than it was before the affair. Even after exposing her affair to everyone which created a lot of issues... We got past it. We are better taking care of each other and our son than before. We are still a work in progress. Her friends are happy that she got her act together. 
Marriage is work that both of us needed to learn. Yeah, she cheated as we had typical problems that newly married people don't know or not told about. We are better equipped for a long term marriage today that we never had before. We are both better people, more mature since we started working on ourselves for which we were already doomed with our problems. The affair kicked us both in the guts (I got the worst of it, which she admits I never deserved) that we needed.

I can still only hope for the best for us and everyone else.


----------



## TaDor

Some waywards are not evil at heart, we've all talked about the fog, the fantasy of the affair. How it re-wires the brain turning them into a narcissist. Some are worse than others. Some people get killed, etc.
Some are not recoverable and some will be. A serial cheater is a lost cause, a narcissist down to the core.
The ones who go out of their way to cheat, dump. The ones who get sucked up by the affair because of co-workers, which is VERY common and unplanned - that has variables and factors that will require time and consideration. As we see, infidelity causes mental issues - murder and or suicide. Does the WS get out of the fog in time? How much damage was done? Regret vs Remorse. Can or does the BS have the ability or desire for R?

The WS deep in the fog is not even possible to do R, unless knocked very hard with a 2x4 (divorce, loss of everything) and that is still a maybe.
The WS that has gaps in the fog, but no tools to get out. Then its a matter of timing and desire for R. As we see, many times a WS won't want to do therapy (MC) because its a waste of time - they would rather rug-sweep equal failure and little remorse.

When my wayward was coming out of the fog on her own (we're no longer married by then) I ordered a book from Amazon in 2 days and gave it to her on the next child visitation. Two days later, we're both in MC. It was still a rough start, but we both told the therapist we wanted to work things out. A friend sent me a message soon after WW and I started R and MC, as she too was a WW and fought to get back and doing MC herself. "Climbing the mountain to get to the other side is worth it. It's hard, but anything worth it, is worth fighting for".

So yeah, I've had a few WW tell me that remorse is possible and they did horrible things they wish they never done. I thank them for their insight.

PS: I now that some friends are cheaters or ex-cheaters... *sigh*


----------



## TaDor

So to OP collin8550: You are all over the place, it sucks but its normal. (fear, love, anger, dispair - sometimes all in a matter of minutes) but you must continue 180 and consider her gone, continue divorce. That can always be stopped. Hell, we told the judge we are working on R we were told we can postpone things. I said "nope", going to let that part run its course.

She seems to say she wants back, but she isn't ready for it. (I forgot is you exposed or not. You should to the family.) As you have said the following:


> ""you don't understand what he is to me and how he cares about me." Basically that sounds like "I want to be with him and have his family and my family be OK with it and not think I am bad."


= She cares about herself more than you going by your "sounds like". But what SHE said is what ALL women cheaters say. "It's special, you DON'T understand" in reality, there is nothing special. If the OM cared, he wouldn't have wrecked her life or played her... or accept such a relationship. (Man or woman, doesn't matter). Your kids and family are NOT okay with it, that doesn't happen. As soon as the realizes that there was NO special thing, the attractiveness of the AP goes down.



> "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"
> 
> I wanted to tell her I didn't do the "ripping". But I let it go.


 You are correct, she did the ripping. This is the consequences. Many of us had tried to explain that to our waywards. They don't see it. Its YOU being controlling, taking away their candy.

Anyway, if you feel that she wants to do R, tell her to do her part to prove herself. Hand her a book, which I'll link below. But overall, limit your communications with her. If you want to give her the book and she has any reasoning in her brain, she may start to "get it".

The book : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/145055332X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

It's a short read designed for the cheater. I consider it a tool to help through part of the fog. It's only a start.


Also get "Not just friends" : https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...rd_wg=0tLPv&psc=1&refRID=43B7Z884HAT6DF28G1RW

Overall, women are twice as likely than men to NOT want to really do R. About 65% are gone for good. And it takes WORK to do R.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

TaDor said:


> Some waywards are not evil at heart, we've all talked about the fog, the fantasy of the affair. How it re-wires the brain turning them into a narcissist. Some are worse than others. Some people get killed, etc.
> 
> Some are not recoverable and some will be. A serial cheater is a lost cause, a narcissist down to the core.
> 
> The ones who go out of their way to cheat, dump. The ones who get sucked up by the affair because of co-workers, which is VERY common and unplanned - that has variables and factors that will require time and consideration. As we see, infidelity causes mental issues - murder and or suicide. Does the WS get out of the fog in time? How much damage was done? Regret vs Remorse. Can or does the BS have the ability or desire for R?
> 
> 
> 
> The WS deep in the fog is not even possible to do R, unless knocked very hard with a 2x4 (divorce, loss of everything) and that is still a maybe.
> 
> The WS that has gaps in the fog, but no tools to get out. Then its a matter of timing and desire for R. As we see, many times a WS won't want to do therapy (MC) because its a waste of time - they would rather rug-sweep equal failure and little remorse.
> 
> 
> 
> When my wayward was coming out of the fog on her own (we're no longer married by then) I ordered a book from Amazon in 2 days and gave it to her on the next child visitation. Two days later, we're both in MC. It was still a rough start, but we both told the therapist we wanted to work things out. A friend sent me a message soon after WW and I started R and MC, as she too was a WW and fought to get back and doing MC herself. "Climbing the mountain to get to the other side is worth it. It's hard, but anything worth it, is worth fighting for".
> 
> 
> 
> As you posted
> 
> 
> 
> So yeah, I've had a few WW tell me that remorse is possible and they did horrible things they wish they never done.




I think there are other issues as well - and that is guilt from the BS for helping create a marital environment that wasn't completely safe for their spouse.

In your case @TaDor, you had a very complex relationship with multiple partners that probably muddied the waters and eroded boundaries. So I suspect you took that into consideration when assessing how you wanted to respond to your WW (who was pretty dam awful if you ask me). I think the fact that you did some soul searching and found things to address allowed you to accept her back.

By the same token, Lonely Husband initially was decisive and physically left the state after he discovered the A and went 100% NC with his WW. What changed his mind was the fact that he also assessed himself, took action to address his issues, and realized both he and his W had issues.

In both cases BOTH spouses owned up to their issues and genuinely worked on R.

That isn't the case most of the time here on TAM. A WS of either sex who blows up their marriage when there isn't a really significant existing marital issue is not in the same category.

Just my $.02


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky

Speaking as a moderator:

The thread jack stops now. Any further infractions will lead to a three day time out.


----------



## collin8550

For those that asked, I have exposed to everyone right after D-day. She went ballistic, but eventually calmed down and the fog lifted for a while. But resumed again in a week or less.

Is it normal for wayward wives mood to change constantly? For instance, one day she is begging me to come home and stop the divorce, the next day she is being mean and acts like she doesn't want the marriage.


----------



## GusPolinski

Yep!


----------



## harrybrown

She wants to play and for you to pay.

How could you not just let her have her fun?

Get her out of your life!


----------



## RWB

collin8550 said:


> Is it normal for wayward wives mood to change constantly?


Oh yeah. 

Her fantasy is crashing down all around her. You got both feet out the door and her Mr. Perfect OM will soon dump her like last's night garbage, she knew this all the time, but you were her fall back. 

She is scrambling back and forth looking for a soft landing.


----------



## 225985

collin8550 said:


> For those that asked, I have exposed to everyone right after D-day. She went ballistic, but eventually calmed down and the fog lifted for a while. But resumed again in a week or less.
> 
> 
> 
> Is it normal for wayward wives mood to change constantly? For instance, one day she is begging me to come home and stop the divorce, the next day she is being mean and acts like she doesn't want the marriage.




From personal experience this is common with both WW and WH. 

First, this is a "good" sign. If she was totally done with you, you would clearly know without doubt. 

IMO she wants to return but is still hooked on the OM chemically. That dopamine rush she gets when contacting him is incredible and addicting and very hard to shake off. Even if she wants to. I think she does. 

Treat this like an addiction. She is going through withdrawal. Yes it is freaking ridiculous that she is mean to you when SHE cheated. That is why I mentioned earlier about helping her return and helping her out of the hole. 

Yes, she cheated. This is all on her. She is struggling to come back. It is your choice. Dump her if you want. You owe her nothing. 

Others say you are Plan B and that she is begging to come back because OM won't have her. And they might be right. Maybe. Maybe not. I am not disagreeing, just giving you another possibility. 

It wanted you to hear a view from the other side. My comments however might be totally wrong in your situation. Good luck.


----------



## turnera

collin8550 said:


> For those that asked, I have exposed to everyone right after D-day. She went ballistic, but eventually calmed down and the fog lifted for a while. But resumed again in a week or less.
> 
> Is it normal for wayward wives mood to change constantly? For instance, one day she is begging me to come home and stop the divorce, the next day she is being mean and acts like she doesn't want the marriage.


Continue to inform people, as the opportunity arises, that she continues to cheat, and that is why you are not together. You never know when enough pressure is enough.


----------



## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> Is it normal for wayward wives mood to change constantly? For instance, one day she is begging me to come home and stop the divorce, the next day she is being mean and acts like she doesn't want the marriage.


Mine was this was in the days following dday for sure. It's good times.


----------



## TDSC60

collin8550 said:


> For those that asked, I have exposed to everyone right after D-day. She went ballistic, but eventually calmed down and the fog lifted for a while. But resumed again in a week or less.
> 
> Is it normal for wayward wives mood to change constantly? For instance, one day she is begging me to come home and stop the divorce, the next day she is being mean and acts like she doesn't want the marriage.


Oh yeah, it is normal and confusing to you. She may feel a twinge of regret over how it will affect the kids and want to go back to when you knew nothing (but her still having the affair), but then she talks to or pays a visit to AP and is the unrepentant cheater again.

This woman is no where close to ready for an attempt at R. You should not even mention that R is possible while she is still in the affair. If she dumps AP, comes to you on her knees begging for another chance - then maybe you could consider R. Bur even then, you would need to confirm that she dumped him and not the other way around.

So much has happened, you need to take a step back and decide if you even want to consider R with this woman now that you know what she is capable of doing and how she can treat you and your kids. Even if she comes to you begging and crying, can you believe her, can you trust her, will you be able to live without looking over you shoulder for another affair 5, 10 or 15 years from now?


----------



## collin8550

From what I've learned in all my spying before I left, I don't think it's likely OM will dump her. She has dumped him 3 times already and he whined and got mad and stalked her. But she eventually returned. And he already divorced his wife to be with her after WW tried to dump him the first time. So he has nothing to lose. He can have her when he wants and be talking to other girls (or wives) while she dumps him for a couple weeks at a time.


----------



## 225985

collin8550 said:


> From what I've learned in all my spying before I left, I don't think it's likely OM will dump her. She has dumped him 3 times already and he whined and got mad and stalked her. But she eventually returned. And he already divorced his wife to be with her after WW tried to dump him the first time. So he has nothing to lose. He can have her when he wants and be talking to other girls (or wives) while she dumps him for a couple weeks at a time.




Then move on and never look back. Protect your assets and the kids. 

BTW it probably boosts her ego greatly that he divorced to be with her. When she finds out he is seeing other women her world will completely crash. 

With that info, the others are right. You must divorce her or continue the divorce process (if you ever want to take her back). She will never respect anything less. 

If he is a stalker IMO he has done this before with other women.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

collin8550 said:


> From what I've learned in all my spying before I left, I don't think it's likely OM will dump her. She has dumped him 3 times already and he whined and got mad and stalked her. But she eventually returned. And he already divorced his wife to be with her after WW tried to dump him the first time. So he has nothing to lose. He can have her when he wants and be talking to other girls (or wives) while she dumps him for a couple weeks at a time.


So, in other words, you are willfully ignoring the FACT she wants to treat you like he treated his ex-wife?

Yes, I see the hyperbole and implication he wore her down and manipulated her back into the relationships. Once, maybe, three times no. She broke up with him three times, chemical dependency my rear end, at this point she made her choice and it wasn't you. You filed for divorce and it wasn't you. You exposed and it still wasn't you. So, you work it out because she hasn't shook off her depedency, then you have a rough patch and runs back to him. What are you going to do then?


----------



## collin8550

He did cheat on his wife before with at least one other girl that I am aware of. I discussed that with WW right after D-day, but she had an excuse for him and said he wouldn't do that to her. I think her excuse was that his wife was so jealous and hard to get along with all the time that it drove him to it.

OM did stalk and whine and cry and threaten to kill himself the times she dumped him, but I don't know if that "wore her down" or she just missed the "high" and wanted it back.

I feel kind of sorry for her getting herself into this mess and I feel bad about how her life is going to turn out if she continues on this path. I can easily see her broke and trashy and just bouncing from one failed relationship to another for the rest of her life. And I feel bad for my kids that they won't have a mother they can be proud of. And I'm sure she will run across an abuser or child molester eventually.

But she did it to herself and it's not my responsibility anymore. I will try to keep the kids safe and away from any bad men she may eventually bring around, but that's about all I can do.


----------



## Affaircare

blueinbr said:


> Then move on and never look back. Protect your assets and the kids.
> 
> BTW it probably boosts her ego greatly that he divorced to be with her. When she finds out he is seeing other women her world will completely crash.
> 
> With that info, the others are right. You must divorce her or continue the divorce process (if you ever want to take her back). She will never respect anything less.
> 
> If he is a stalker IMO he has done this before with other women.


This is so good, I quoted it for truth! QFT!! :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## michzz

I've been gone from this board awhile, but I moonshotted back in to say this:

Divorce her and move on!

Unrepentant cheating wives are not even worth the hassle at all.

Meh!


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> From what I've learned in all my spying before I left, I don't think it's likely OM will dump her. She has dumped him 3 times already and he whined and got mad and stalked her. But she eventually returned. And he already divorced his wife to be with her after WW tried to dump him the first time. So he has nothing to lose. He can have her when he wants and be talking to other girls (or wives) while she dumps him for a couple weeks at a time.


Who cares?

Let them have each other.


----------



## TaDor

Thing about people when they are cheaters, they are also liars. He's seeing other women? Sure. And your we doesn't really know why got divorced. Likely she did the D to him... So he took that freedom to bang any women. 

It's foolish for a cheater to think another cheater is honest or trustworthy. Like when I was against my son to be near the POSOM while with his mom. She said "I trust him" I kinda laughed and angrily told her how the F should I trust either of them. 

So yeah, your wife is deep in the fog. She has to break up with him and mean it. Give her that book I told you about... But continue the divorce.

Reason why that book is handy, is that it's written by a professional and talks about what the WS is feeling and how it's not real... Vs you. Who don't know how it feels.
Hell, I don't either. Just an idea.


----------



## GusPolinski

Seems like several pages are missing from the beginning of this thread...

Anyone else seeing that?


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> Seems like several pages are missing from the beginning of this thread...
> 
> Anyone else seeing that?


Yep, and can't get past page 434 in the meme thread in Social either.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

3putt said:


> Yep, and can't get past page 434 in the meme thread in Social either.


Usually a sign that someone has been not just banned, but also had their account removed and posts deleted. The Banned Members thread was useful for figuring out who it was.


----------



## 225985

GusPolinski said:


> Seems like several pages are missing from the beginning of this thread...
> 
> 
> 
> Anyone else seeing that?




Yep. Viewing from Tapatalk and it shows first post is from @Affaircare and she is listed as OP.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

blueinbr said:


> Yep. Viewing from Tapatalk and it shows first post is from @Affaircare and she is listed as OP.


That's what I see also on a PC.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Usually a sign that someone has been not just banned, but also had their account removed and posts deleted. The Banned Members thread was useful for figuring out who it was.


I don't think so in this case. I'm having problems on multiple threads, including the same problem on the memes thread. I've also gotten database errors a few times trying to load. I think it's a site issue.

Kind of funny looking at this thread and it showed Affaircare as the thread starter. If Affaircare has a wife she needs a shave. :grin2:


----------



## 225985

Nucking Futs said:


> I don't think so in this case. I'm having problems on multiple threads, including the same problem on the memes thread. I've also gotten database errors a few times trying to load. I think it's a site issue.
> 
> 
> 
> Kind of funny looking at this thread and it showed Affaircare as the thread starter. If Affaircare has a wife she needs a shave. :grin2:




Affaircare is a she.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@Aftercare can you at least post the OP into the new post #1? The thread is kind of creepy... like some distopia where people disappear and nothing is left behind


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Aftercare can you at least post the OP into the new post #1? The thread is kind of creepy... like some distopia where people disappear and nothing is left behind
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Need a mod or admin to fix this.


----------



## Nucking Futs

blueinbr said:


> Affaircare is a she.


----------



## syhoybenden

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Usually a sign that someone has been not just banned, but also had their account removed and posts deleted. The Banned Members thread was useful for figuring out who it was.


Not deleted completely nor banned. See post #63.

Some software FU no doubt.


----------



## collin8550

What the h*** happened to the thread?

Anyway, I blocked WW from texting or calling my cell because she wouldn't stop. She called my mom complaining to her. Then she called again and my mom gave me the phone.

WW was trying to ask what I'm doing. One thing that stuck out to me was when she said it makes her mad that I'm acting like the good guy in all this. 

She also said "how is you filing for divorce going to help me end the affair?" I said it's not supposed to, but it's going to let me get away and feel better and find someone that isn't having an affair.

She was wanting me to take one of the kids a day early today, but I said I would rather stick to our schedule. She said she was just trying to help me by giving him to me early so I won't be sad and missing them too much.

She also said she thinks I am trying to make it hard on the kids because I know that's the only thing that will get to her. I said no, but I wish I would have told her that any pain the kids have is because of her and her affair.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Well done. You handled it perfectly, except I too wish you had reminded her that the breaking up the family was all on her. What a load of crap that she wanted to do you favor by pawning the kids off on you. Either the kid was interfering in her relationship with OM, or she was looking to create an opportunity to speak with you in person. Hard to know. 

Do not do her any favors. Continue to be stone cold and teach her about consequences.


----------



## lostmyreligion

collin8550 said:


> What the h*** happened to the thread?
> 
> Anyway, I blocked WW from texting or calling my cell because she wouldn't stop. She called my mom complaining to her. Then she called again and my mom gave me the phone.
> 
> WW was trying to ask what I'm doing. One thing that stuck out to me was when she said it makes her mad that I'm acting like the good guy in all this.
> 
> She also said *"how is you filing for divorce going to help me end the affair?"* I said it's not supposed to, but it's going to let me get away and feel better and find someone that isn't having an affair.
> 
> She was wanting me to take one of the kids a day early today, but I said I would rather stick to our schedule. She said she was just trying to help me by giving him to me early so I won't be sad and missing them too much.
> 
> She also said she thinks I am trying to make it hard on the kids because I know that's the only thing that will get to her. I said no, but I wish I would have told her that any pain the kids have is because of her and her affair.


The bolded bit says it all collin. 

Paraphrasing your WW *"Damnit! Why won't you let me keep eating cake?!?!? Oh, and why aren't you wiping my mouth for me while I'm at it as well?"*

Your response was flawless. Made me stand up and clap. It's never an easy or pleasant journey out of infidelity, but walking it like you're now doing makes it the shortest path possible.

Keep it up man.


----------



## Marc878

Stop any engagement your actions have told her everything she needs to know. She wants to eat more cake at your expense. Any interaction will just draw you back in. 

"I gotta go"is the best response.


----------



## lostmyreligion

Marc878 said:


> Stop any engagement your actions have told her everything she needs to know. She wants to eat more cake at your expense. Any interaction will just draw you back in.
> 
> "I gotta go"is the best response.


At this point, and understanding that you've still got to interact with her re the kids, limiting your response to marc's suggestion (above) for any other inquiries on her part outside of that is good advice.

Give ground only when it's to your advantage. Like judo - use the inertia of their stupidity against them. 

And never telegraph your punches.


----------



## Chuck71

I was where you are four years ago. I don't know if mine ever cheated, didn't matter walking out of

the M was enough for me. I know you want to get away from the pain any way you can, 110% normal.

I can promise you, once you fall down the rabbit hole.... it is cold and dark. But after you come 

back you will be a stronger person. Within a month of coming out..... she was reaching constantly.

By then I was done..... she still reaches to this day. The only way to get past the hurt is to face it head on.


----------



## farsidejunky

Now she wants to do what is in your best interest? 

I am glad you saw through that bullshyte...


----------



## 225985

Post error


----------



## collin8550

Should I start a new thread since this one got all messed up?


----------



## GusPolinski

Forum index mentions an update within the past couple of hours, but I'm not able to see it.

Between that and some of the other ongoing oddities, it might be time to hit up the admins for some attention.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Now posts are missing from the beginning and the end. What's going on?


----------



## NoChoice

SunCMars said:


> Wow!
> 
> According to the above, the WW is insane and has @NoChoice but to "Fly headlong into the Flame".
> 
> I would say this is nonsense....the deed says otherwise.


 @SunCMars would it not be delusional to expect different from the moth? It is not so much about insanity as it is simply a lack of intellectual ability. The moth, much like the cheater, does not understand the flame is death, it lacks the necessary intellect to make such a determination. It cannot extrapolate, compile and project and does indeed have no choice. An accident is a fools destiny.


----------



## Talker67

"But there will always be a scar on my heart from ripping it out of my chest"

yep. but that, with time, may pass As long as there was not hidden stuff, like other affairs going on that you do not know about but suspect, that pain will probably pass.


----------



## aine

JohnA said:


> Here is a second classic and then I will stop for the day. Print both theses out and in the next few days as you stare at the walls read them and and start a journal.
> 
> 
> Hobbies how to*
> 
> Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and don't be scared away from this site by the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.
> Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions, some already mentioned:
> 
> 1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options and that you'll be acting from a position of knowledge of your legal situation.
> 
> 2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. I know you probably think she wouldn't do that, but considering her cheating you don't know her as well as you did. As all of us who were betrayed thought we knew our partners. Furthermore, if possible, ask a friend to stay with you for a while under some false pretext, to act as a witness against her false allegations.
> 
> 3. Start documenting your care and her (lack of) care for the kids immediately.I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. You hopefully won't needed, but if you do, it's better you have it. Don't let her know you're doing this. Once you'll see concrete progress in her actions and reconciliation, you can start stopping the documenting.
> 
> 4. Set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself. This is a great thread on selecting a good IC - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Choosing an IC/MC [long post] . Also, read up on EMDR therapy - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Emdr is amazing .
> 
> 5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.
> 
> 6. C(ontinue to c)onfide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support.
> 
> 7. If the other man (coworker) has a wife/gf and had it at the time of the affair (though I think it's still ongoing), inform the wife/gf. She deserves to know, just as you deserved to know. Don't trust the other man or your wife that they've been told. Check out this - SurvivingInfidelity.com - Should I tell BW from 6-7 years ago? .
> 
> 8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all.
> 
> 9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it, but that's more suitable for later on and can wait.
> 
> 10. Go to the "I can relate" subforum here and check out the "Betrayed menz" thread on the first page. Read and post there, it's a great place for betrayed men.
> 
> 11. If you are giving her yet another chance, she needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Only after that should you try MC again with her.
> 
> 12. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first. The best book for me on infidelity is "Not just friends", look it up in the library.
> 
> 13. What was her and your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them" in your library, it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.
> 
> 14. I think it's important that you tell her that as a condition for you to attempt to reconcile with her is for her to write you a detailed timeline of the affair(s). Upon telling her, notify her you'll want her to undertake a polygraph test afterwards to ascertain you have the full truth. Tell her that lying will do more damage than any truth will.
> 
> 15. A phrase that I've heard a lot here and with which I agree is that you must be willing to lose the marriage(relationship) to save it. You mustn't think of her as the prize and you mustn't approach this from a position of weakness, of you trying to win her back by being nice etc. You must get therapy, you must get into the mindset that you will be ok even if you divorce and that you will not settle for rugsweeping or anything less than her being fully remorseful and committed to redeeming herself and helping you heal.
> 
> 16. If she continues to have any sort of contact with him instead of looking for a transfer/new job despite your demands, and if you'll want to stop the cheating, or if she'll continue to be unremorseful, talk to your lawayer about exposing her cheating to her friends&family, and definitely consider to SERVE HER WITH DIVORCE PAPERS. Remember, even if you serve her, you can always stop the divorce later if she proves remorseful etc. But it's a good wake-up call for the cheater that very often works.
> 
> 17. A divorce would be hard on you and the kids. When it comes to them, it is, however, much better for the kids to not see you everyday if that means that they won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to their mom's actions. What the kids need to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of their lives emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days they will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get them to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kids.
> 
> 18. You DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW whether to give her another chance or not, whether to reconcile. That decision can wait for quite some time (but make sure waiting to make the decision doesn't hurt you legally, financially, physically/health-wise,... -> talk to your lawyer etc.). Remember, even if you start the divorce proceedings, you can stop them. And even if you finish the divorce proceedings, you can still reconcile with her despite divorcing her. If she's truly remorseful, she will be desperate to get you back even if you divorce her. And if she'll be willing to stay without you despite the divorce, it will be a good sign she's doing that not because she wants the financial,..., security of the marriage, but because of you. So again, no need to make quick decision.
> 
> Also, like others have said, it's a roller-coaster, being cheated on. It's one of the most shocking and traumatic things you'll ever experience in life. It is perfectly understandble to be dazed and confused from all this, to not know what exactly to do, to feel one thing one moment and another the next moment. As time goes by and you work on healing yourself, things will get considerably better.
> 
> What's crucial is that you don't make any really bad decisions in this first stage of being totally mentally fuc-ed up, like getting her pregnant, getting an STD, you cheating on her with someone else and thereby demeaning yourself, you becoming an alocoholic, crashing a car, beating him up and ending in jail etc.
> 
> 19. Also, check out these two threads, I try to read them regularly - SurvivingInfidelity.com - I lost everything due to infidelity. And I survived. and SurvivingInfidelity.com - Calling all BSs... .
> 
> 20. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!
> 
> Best wishes
> 
> xBBf, 28*
> Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
> Posts: 3320 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe


John A, these last few posts are fantastic comprehensive summaries of the stuff here on TAM. Is it possible for them to be combined in one post and pinned by one of the moderators, so that all can have access when they arrive to this site? (Just saying).


----------



## aine

On a side note, she texted earlier saying "you were in my life for over half of it. How do you just rip yourself out of it so fast like you don't care?"

OMG, when you decided to **** another man!


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> Forum index mentions an update within the past couple of hours, but I'm not able to see it.
> 
> *Between that and some of the other ongoing oddities, it might be time to hit up the admins for some attention.*


Why? Just so we can be told to clear our cache and cookies again?


----------



## collin8550

Looks like the thread is fixed, as far as I can tell.

I blocked WW on my cell so she has to call my mom's house to talk to me and can't just text me whenever she wants.

She dropped the kids off for my week today, and when she went to leave she was standing there like she was waiting for me to say something. So I just said, "ok. Bye." She huffed and puffed and said "whatever" and left. 

She called later to ask about me getting the rest of my stuff, and was happy sounding and in a good mood. Yesterday and early this morning she was sounding like she was crying. That's why I don't want to talk to her because her mood fluctuates so much and causes my mood to fluctuate.


----------



## collin8550

I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?

It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


----------



## 3putt

collin8550 said:


> Looks like the thread is fixed, as far as I can tell.
> 
> I blocked WW on my cell so she has to call my mom's house to talk to me and can't just text me whenever she wants.
> 
> She dropped the kids off for my week today, and when she went to leave she was standing there like she was waiting for me to say something. So I just said, "ok. Bye." She huffed and puffed and said "whatever" and left.
> 
> *She called later to ask about me getting the rest of my stuff, and was happy sounding and in a good mood. *Yesterday and early this morning she was sounding like she was crying. That's why I don't want to talk to her because her mood fluctuates so much and causes my mood to fluctuate.


Her mood changes have everything to do with whether or not she has talked to or been with her affair partner. If she's happy, then she has. If sad, then she hasn't.

Just the way it is, pal.


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## JohnA

Yes it is fairly rare for it to be really save the marriage, @3putt nailed it in one. 

Has she tried approaching you though mutual friends or family? I suggest you be prepared. Sorry didn't see post 203. In any event be prepared for her to try make you the bad guy to friends and her family.


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## phillybeffandswiss

collin8550 said:


> Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


"I'm free, I can do what I want" tends to turn into "Holy crap what happened."
Time varies depending on how much effort you put into detaching and enacting consequences.


Think of an affair like a vacation getaway. It's all fun and games, until reality sets in. Men and women chase their wives when reality comes back. Now, some will say vacation is a poor analogy because they are fun. Yes, but I am not talking from a logical perspective.

A vacation is normally a time to enjoy yourself or your family and get away from the grind of the real world. So, an affair initially has no stipulations, expectations and requirements. Just have fun and go home to your regular routine. Most people can't afford or want to live at that beach resort 24/7/365. When you divorce, expose, end contact or leave it forces reality into the "vacation" thinking. Shared money makes the hotel cheap, a single income makes it expensive. Shared money makes the bills equal, a single income makes bills harder. A dual parent home gives you free time, a single parent home limits free time.

It's like a could bucket of water, in your face, during a deep sleep.


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## straightshooter

collin8550 said:


> I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?
> 
> It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


Collin,

Hasn't she proved to you already that she is just trying to play you. She is NOT chasing you for any other reason than to try to stay ahead of you. In a previous post she even taunted you and implied what you needed to do to make her stop the affair. So it is still ongoing.

No more responses to her. Her moods are not your problem, and if you let them be you will not get off the roller coaster. The reason WW chase their husbands or boyfriends after separating or divorcing is meaningless. You really interested in why if she is still with OM. ????

Remember, while there are similarities to behavior, everyone is different so asking the question you posed is not relavant. Only your situation is. Yes, there are WW who have been totally remorseful and wound up back with BH. But your wife has done nothing g to give any indication that that is where this is headed because the first thing that should have happened once you filed is for her to dump this OM like garbage. Instead, she throws it in your face about just wanting her to stop affair and how you should go about it.

Crickets to her Collin. Every time you interact with her it encourages her to try to manipulate you.


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?
> 
> It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


Reasons

Need a babysitter
Life is too much work on their own
Checkbook
No one to blame anything on
Maid service
Etc, etc, etc


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## KaraBoo0723

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?
> 
> It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


She wants you as a Plan B... if this AP guy wises up and runs for the hills. It's all a "security" issue.

When you go NC / 180 she will apply pressure on him to be her "knight in shining armor"

I call this the "schit or get off the pot" moment. A vast majority of POSOMs either 

wilt or bolt. The bottom line is... she showed you who she really is, BELIEVE her.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

collin8550 said:


> I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?
> 
> It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


Mine did sir, but prior to that I pretty much sent a message I was done. Burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom, and went out of town for over a month with no contact except when she flew to our condo and ambushed me begging for another chance. I was lucky as my kids were grown and did not have that as a factor. From what you post I think you are handling it for the most part as you should. Never say never as I am in R, but the R is and was on my terms 100%. Never allow yourself to become plan b if you change direction. I will not lie, it was most enjoyable in a twisted way to watch my FWW scramble once I went off on her and let her know I was done and off to Florida. There is nothing wrong with making her sweat a bit. Keep her uncomfortable and wondering what's next and follow 180.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> Looks like the thread is fixed, as far as I can tell.
> 
> I blocked WW on my cell so she has to call my mom's house to talk to me and can't just text me whenever she wants.
> 
> She dropped the kids off for my week today, and when she went to leave she was standing there like she was waiting for me to say something. So I just said, "ok. Bye." She huffed and puffed and said "whatever" and left.
> 
> She called later to ask about me getting the rest of my stuff, and was happy sounding and in a good mood. Yesterday and early this morning she was sounding like she was crying. That's why I don't want to talk to her because her mood fluctuates so much and causes my mood to fluctuate.


She's upset that you're not pursuing her the way that she thinks you should be.

It's also pretty likely that things aren't all roses w/ OM.

Either way, she went from having two guys vying for her affection to just the one (OM), and she's probably wising up to the fact that he's not such a bargain.


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## collin8550

99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.

But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> 99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.
> 
> But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.



What you should strive for is ambivalence. It will come in time, but it will take a long time. Being angry and resentful is a sign that she still has emotional leverage over you. What you want to get to is a point where she means no more to you than the mailman or the clerk at the corner store.


----------



## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> I keep seeing posts about wayward wives chasing their betrayed spouses for a long time after separating and divorcing. Is that pretty common?
> 
> It surprised me that my wife has been pursuing me every other day or so. Right after D-day she was looking forward to divorce more than I was.


I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.

My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.

Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.


----------



## moth-into-flame

Marc878 said:


> Reasons
> 
> Need a babysitter
> Life is too much work on their own
> Checkbook
> No one to blame anything on
> Maid service
> Etc, etc, etc


I'll add: The realization of "Wow, I had a really good man in my husband. My AP is a loser. WTF have I done??"


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## moth-into-flame

bandit.45 said:


> What you should strive for is ambivalence. It will come in time, but it will take a long time. Being angry and resentful is a sign that she still has emotional leverage over you. What you want to get to is a point where she means no more to you than the mailman or the clerk at the corner store.


I don't think ambivalence is the word you're after - indifference maybe.


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## TheTruthHurts

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> Mine did sir, but prior to that I pretty much sent a message I was done. Burned our marital bed which was a family heirloom, and went out of town for over a month with no contact except when she flew to our condo and ambushed me begging for another chance. I was lucky as my kids were grown and did not have that as a factor. From what you post I think you are handling it for the most part as you should. Never say never as I am in R, but the R is and was on my terms 100%. Never allow yourself to become plan b if you change direction. I will not lie, it was most enjoyable in a twisted way to watch my FWW scramble once I went off on her and let her know I was done and off to Florida. There is nothing wrong with making her sweat a bit. Keep her uncomfortable and wondering what's next and follow 180.




If you want to see what regret, sheer terror and ultimately remorse looks like, check out @Lonely husband 42301's thread.

Your WW is behaving nothing like LH's. When you think you might be seeing remorse, I assure you that you will know it if it comes. And I don't believe it will - if she valued you the way she should her behavior would be FAR more desperate.

I doubt there is a single BS who doesn't want to understand HOW the betrayal could happen, and want to see the WS realize their huge mistake and come crawling back and apologize. But it very rarely happens. The type of people who cheat just don't think or work that way.

So good job on blocking the number and minimal contact. Just realize that no interaction with her can help you at this point.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski

moth-into-flame said:


> I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.
> 
> My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.
> 
> Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.


LOL... send him everything a week before the wedding.


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## WorkingOnMe

Just wait till you start dating!


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## moth-into-flame

GusPolinski said:


> LOL... send him everything a week before the wedding.


The wedding has been put off like 3 or 4 times now. I don't want to mess that up - imagine how much more I'd have to deal with her if she were single!!


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> 99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.
> 
> But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.


Placing your happiness on what she does / does not do is very unhealthy logic.

You give defiant people what they want because almost never turns out as they had planned.

Have you read DeMello's Awareness?


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## GusPolinski

moth-into-flame said:


> The wedding has been put off like 3 or 4 times now. I don't want to mess that up - imagine how much more I'd have to deal with her if she were single!!


Was her fiancé an OM?


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## bandit.45

moth-into-flame said:


> I suspect it is common. You know how little girls can be fickle? WW's kind of have that immature, underdeveloped mentality. They don't want you when they are in their affair - then when you show them you're moving on and going to be just fine - or better than fine (better than when you were with her), they suddenly want their thrown away toy back. It's this game back and forth.
> 
> My exww still, after 4 years, can't detach. If her "fiance" could see the texts she sends me (nothing sexually explicit - but inappropriate for sure), he (if he were a smart man), would dump her immediately. I know I could get her into bed if I wanted to. And that just reinforces my decision to divorce her. It's been four years.
> 
> Some WW's chase their former BS because of the fickle thing - the "now that someone else wants my thrown away toy, I want it BACK!!" mentality, and others (like my exww), realize what they threw away, regret it immensely and pine for what once was. Hard to say with yours - it's pretty early in the game. Time will tell. Either way, doesn't matter - she lost her chance with you. She gave up the privilege of being your wife. Sucks to be her.


The dog with two bones.


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## bandit.45

moth-into-flame said:


> I don't think ambivalence is the word you're after - indifference maybe.


If they had no kids together I would agree. But he has to deal with this idiot for the next fifteen years or so. So he will have to work with her. He cannot treat her like she died and doesn't exist. He needs to get to a place where she is just an aupair.


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## moth-into-flame

GusPolinski said:


> Was her fiancé an OM?


Not one of my exww's OM's. He came into the picture way after. An OM in general, I'm not sure.


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## moth-into-flame

bandit.45 said:


> If they had no kids together I would agree. But he has to deal with this idiot for the next fifteen years or so. So he will have to work with her. He cannot treat her like she died and doesn't exist. He needs to get to a place where she is just an aupair.


Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Maybe I'm just not getting the context. Or do you mean he'll have to hate her at the same time as dealing with her as a coparent?


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## moth-into-flame

bandit.45 said:


> The dog with two bones.


Woof. She can't have my bone.


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## TRy

collin8550 said:


> 99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.


 It is called cheating because cheaters are giving themselves an unfair advantage by not playing by the agreed upon rules of your marriage. By breaking the rules, the cheater already has another option in play, while the cheated on partner is caught flatfooted starting from scratch. This advantage is short lived because few affair partners (just a few percent) have relationships that last long term after the divorce, and they must deal with each other in real life instead of the fantasy affair life that their relationship is based on. Also, deep down they both know that anyone that can cheat with you, could eventually cheat on you, so their relationship will be doomed to them both having to always look over their shoulders. Although you will start later in looking for a new partner, any new relationship will be real from the start and have a good chance that she will not be a cheater. Bottom line, 5 years from now the odds are on your side that you will be living a happier life than you are now, where her odds are lower.


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## turnera

collin8550 said:


> 99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.
> 
> But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.


It also helps for you to work hard to ensure YOUR life turns out amazing, no matter what. Then you won't care whatever happened to her. You'll just be glad you escaped.


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## straightshooter

collin8550 said:


> 99% of the time I am glad to be free from her. But I worry that she may come out better and happier and everything go great for her. I know it's wrong, but I would feel a lot better knowing she is miserable and regrets the affair one day. Or if she doesn't regret it, at least turns out to have a worse future than me.
> 
> But I guess that's the point of forgiveness, so it doesn't matter either way what happens to her.


Collin,

Here are the simple facts with a WW like her
(1) in the short term, even if it does not work out with OM, women have no problem finding sex pals and she will attract other men probably with on problem. You social life may lag hers and that is par for the course. Remember, men are programmed to pursue women so advantage is hers
(2) you cannot base how you do on if she is miserable. If she gets dumped by OM and gets tired of being someones sex toy, she may become miserable. Hopefully, by the time that happens you will not give a ****.
(3) This is the most important fact. The BEST revenge IS FOR YOU TO BECOME HAPPY AND FULFILLED WITHOUT HER. That's the goal and you can make that happen as long as you do not backtrack. Stop worrying about what you cannot control, namely who she is banging and when. 

No put your foot to the gas pedal and speed it up and get rid of her.


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## Chuck71

Rationally.... she was a W and a mom for a number of years. Same schit, day in, day out. You will

hear that a lot here as reasons for cheating. Bor-ing.... nothing changes but the date on

calendar. Both become complacent and... she gets a compliment, flirt, eye contact.

The difference is... some women enjoy this and wake her up to her M is in the doldrums.

Others.... eat it up and can't get enough. The rush when you "think you're falling"

is addictive. The rush wears off... then reality rears its head. Reason most APs never make it.

What's the difference between the BS and the AP while it's in fantasy land? Snort a line of Goody 

powders.... then snort high grade coke. There's your difference. But what usually happens to a coke head?

Same thing applies for WS. This is the reason why BS are vastly in a better state of being a year 

after DDay than WS.


----------



## bandit.45

moth-into-flame said:


> Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.
> 
> Maybe I'm just not getting the context. Or do you mean he'll have to hate her at the same time as dealing with her as a coparent?


Semantics. Who gives a fvck? He knows what we mean....


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## bandit.45

moth-into-flame said:


> Woof. She can't have my bone.


Dog with Two Bones parable: 

A dog with a bone in his mouth comes to a clear stream and looks down and sees another dog looking back at him with a bone in its mouth. He wants that bone the other dog has too, so he lets his bone go and lunges for the reflection. The real bone sinks and is swept away by the stream. When the water is still again the dog sees both bones are gone.


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## moth-into-flame

bandit.45 said:


> Dog with Two Bones parable:
> 
> A dog with a bone in his mouth comes to a clear stream and looks down and sees another dog looking back at him with a bone in its mouth. He wants that bone the other dog has too, so he lets his bone go and lunges for the reflection. The real bone sinks and is swept away by the stream. When the water is still again the dog sees both bones are gone.


And he has Chlamydia.


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## Chuck71

moth-into-flame said:


> And he has Chlamydia.


Or that big green puss bump that just won't go away


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## TRy

straightshooter said:


> Here are the simple facts with a WW like her
> (1) in the short term, even if it does not work out with OM, women have no problem finding sex pals and she will attract other men probably with on problem. You social life may lag hers and that is par for the course. Remember, men are programmed to pursue women so advantage is hers


 Depending on their age, the advantage may not be hers. In their 20s, the advantage is strongly with women when it comes to relationship options. This is because most men will typically not date a women that is much older than he is, yet women are willing to date much older men. This means that where a 25 year old male can only date 18 to 25 years olds, with under 21 year olds being a push, a 25 year old female can date men that are 25 to 50 year olds, where a 35 year old male with a solid career will easily be able to best a 25 year old still trying to establish himself. When men and women hit their 30s, the balance is about even. After 40, men now have the type of advantage the women had in their 20s. I cannot believe how friends that never had game when they were younger, are now dating much more attractive women now that they are older. There is a formula out there among men that on second marriages, the new wife will commonly be approximately 1/2 the husband's age plus 7 years. I did not believe it at first until I checked around with my friends that got remarried, and darn if it was not true. Check for yourself with your remarried friends and you will be surprised by how true this is. If you are a guy, age is on your side.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

TRy said:


> Depending on their age, the advantage may not be hers. In their 20s, the advantage is strongly with women when it comes to relationship options. This is because most men will typically not date a women that is much older than he is, yet women are willing to date much older men. This means that where a 25 year old male can only date 18 to 25 years olds, with under 21 year olds being a push, a 25 year old female can date men that are 25 to 50 year olds, where a 35 year old male with a solid career will easily be able to best a 25 year old still trying to establish himself. When men and women hit their 30s, the balance is about even. After 40, men now have the type of advantage the women had in their 20s. I cannot believe how friends that never had game when they were younger, are now dating much more attractive women now that they are older. There is a formula out there among men that on second marriages, the new wife will commonly be approximately 1/2 the husband's age plus 7 years. I did not believe it at first until I checked around with my friends that got remarried, and darn if it was not true. Check for yourself with your remarried friends and you will be surprised by how true this is. If you are a guy, age is on your side.




Yet while still married and cheating, people often affair down. So if the divorce was due to the mans infidelity, he likely scr3w3d someone older or fatter or less attractive on the path toward the younger, hotter new spouse. Amazing how generalizations work out 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rubix Cubed

moth-into-flame said:


> Ambivalence: the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.
> 
> Maybe I'm just not getting the context. Or do you mean he'll have to hate her at the same time as dealing with her as a coparent?


 I think _APATHY_ was the word he was looking for, but I expect the point was made just the same.


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## collin8550

Thanks everyone for the advice. I love reading these comments.

I came up with another theory on why it's called cheating too. The AP is cheating because they don't have to take care of the wayward or spend money or babysit or any of the boring stuff, since the wayward has a spouse for that. So they are cheating by getting the affection without the work.

I had to go pay the lawyer some more money today and sign some stuff. WW still doesn't have a lawyer and doesn't seem to be able to afford one. I've already spent $2300 on a lawyer.

Since I blocked her on my phone she hasn't bothered me much today. I heard talking to the kids and she seemed to be happy and in a good mood. But nothing has really started with the divorce yet, except me leaving and splitting time with the kids and not being there to do my service as a maid and cook. She hasn't been affected financially yet. That's coming soon though.

She should be happy this week though since I have the kids. She hates taking care of the kids and cleaning up after them and other motherly tasks...except the fun parts.


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## NoChoice

OP,
Cheating is anytime you do not follow the established rules. Children quite often cheat since their grasp of the importance of rules is not yet fully developed.


----------



## harrybrown

So she will be free to have all her time with her AP to be "happy".

maybe 

she will just give up the kids. and she can pay you child support.

hope you have success in getting her out of your life.


----------



## bandit.45

moth-into-flame said:


> And he has Chlamydia.


Chlamydia! Your dad's here to pick you up!


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. I love reading these comments.
> 
> I came up with another theory on why it's called cheating too. The AP is cheating because they don't have to take care of the wayward or spend money or babysit or any of the boring stuff, since the wayward has a spouse for that. So they are cheating by getting the affection without the work.
> 
> I had to go pay the lawyer some more money today and sign some stuff. WW still doesn't have a lawyer and doesn't seem to be able to afford one. I've already spent $2300 on a lawyer.
> 
> Since I blocked her on my phone she hasn't bothered me much today. I heard talking to the kids and she seemed to be happy and in a good mood. But nothing has really started with the divorce yet, except me leaving and splitting time with the kids and not being there to do my service as a maid and cook. She hasn't been affected financially yet. That's coming soon though.
> 
> She should be happy this week though since I have the kids. She hates taking care of the kids and cleaning up after them and other motherly tasks...except the fun parts.


Cheaters live in a dreamworld, where golden unicorns fart rainbows and there are no mortgages and sick kids and stinky husbands and bills and broken sink drains and all the problems that go along with marriage and a home. The affair partner represents freedom and lack of responsibility. 

Sometimes OP, people cheat because they just get bored. Some people, like your wife, are always looking for ways to escape. They could have the best marriage and greatest home-life in the world, but if they take it for granted, then they start to drift. I think that is what happened to your wife. 

One day she is going to wake up from the fantasy and realize she messed up and gave up a good man for a few cheap orgasms. Of course, her pride will never let her admit it to you, but she will.


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## moth-into-flame

bandit.45 said:


> Chlamydia! Your dad's here to pick you up!


Lol! Chlamydia Jackson.


----------



## moth-into-flame

bandit.45 said:


> Cheaters live in a dreamworld, where golden unicorns fart rainbows and there are no mortgages and sick kids and stinky husbands and bills and broken sink drains and all the problems that go along with marriage and a home. The affair partner represents freedom and lack of responsibility.
> 
> Sometimes OP, people cheat because they just get bored. Some people, like your wife, are always looking for ways to escape. They could have the best marriage and greatest home-life in the world, but if they take it for granted, then they start to drift. I think that is what happened to your wife.
> 
> One day she is going to wake up from the fantasy and realize she messed up and gave up a good man for a few cheap orgasms. Of course, her pride will never let her admit it to you, but she will.


Truth - the boredom thing. That kind of ties in with the "I deserve to be happy" entitlement. A cheater's mentality is "I deserve to be happy, at all costs - to anyone, including my family". Of course that "happiness" is a mirage. But they will destroy everything in their path to reach that mirage and drink from its skanky waters.


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## 225985

moth-into-flame said:


> Truth - the boredom thing. That kind of ties in with the "I deserve to be happy" entitlement. A cheater's mentality is "I deserve to be happy, at all costs - to anyone, including my family". Of course that "happiness" is a mirage. But they will destroy everything in their path to reach that mirage and drink from its skanky waters.




More like drunk driving. You know what you are doing is wrong. You just don't care. You don't think anyone will get hurt. Until you crash into another car with your spouse and kids it in. 

Then you either continue in your car if it still runs, or go into the other car and say the damage is not that bad.


----------



## moth-into-flame

blueinbr said:


> More like drunk driving. You know what you are doing is wrong. You just don't care. You don't think anyone will get hurt. Until you crash into another car with your spouse and kids it in.
> 
> Then you either continue in your car if it still runs, or go into the other car and say the damage is not that bad.


Mostly agree - except I'd change it to "you just don't care if anyone gets hurt". I'd say unless you're mentally challenged, you know that the potential to cause others severe pain is extremely high when you engage in infidelity. But you "deserve to be happy", so, tough luck.


----------



## collin8550

I've been no contact with WW and using Skype to talk to kids during her week. She grabbed the iPad from the kids and started fussing and crying about I need to unblock her on my phone so she can get in touch with me about the kids. I told her to put the kids back on and she wouldn't, so I said goodbye. She started texting a bunch of stuff on Skype so I had to delete it.

Today she called and was fussing with my mom telling her I am hurting the kids by not talking to them during her week and if I don't unblock her she is going to fight for full custody. 

I don't understand why she wants to talk to me so bad. I'm sure the kids do miss me during their week at her house, but I can't Skype them because WW ruins that. And when I did Skype them they were busy playing and didn't want to talk. I'm sure to them Skype is no substitute for physical contact.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

You need to talk to your attorney and explain that 1) she's interrupting your chats with the kids, 2) she's blocking your access to the kids, 3) she's harassing and threatening you via chat and phone, 4) she's harassing your mother. He can write a letter explaining that all four activities need to stop. Whatever she needs to inform you about with respect to the kids can be handled via email. Only emergencies should be handled by phone. He can explain that once she agrees to these conditions, you will unblock her so that she can contact you in the event of an emergency.

Make sure that you are spending an adequate amount of time with your kids in person, so that she cannot claim you've abandoned or neglected them. You don't want to give her any credibility in a custody battle.


----------



## Marc878

She needs the validation that she still matters to you. Poor muffin!!!! Shes having ego kibble withdrawal.


----------



## BobSimmons

collin8550 said:


> I've been no contact with WW and using Skype to talk to kids during her week. She grabbed the iPad from the kids and started fussing and crying about I need to unblock her on my phone so she can get in touch with me about the kids. I told her to put the kids back on and she wouldn't, so I said goodbye. She started texting a bunch of stuff on Skype so I had to delete it.
> 
> Today she called and was fussing with my mom telling her I am hurting the kids by not talking to them during her week and if I don't unblock her she is going to fight for full custody.
> 
> I don't understand why she wants to talk to me so bad. I'm sure the kids do miss me during their week at her house, but I can't Skype them because WW ruins that. And when I did Skype them they were busy playing and didn't want to talk. I'm sure to them Skype is no substitute for physical contact.


Unblock the phone. If she calls with anything that doesn't pertain to the kids simply put the phone down.

If it's not the phone then it will be something else. Remove all excuses and reasons to gripe.

Also if you can video tape those skype calls, record her interrupting your calls. Each time you make a phone call and she refuses log that down too.
Document everything and play nice.

Playing nice doesn't mean putting up with her sh*t but you can shut down the game playing on the stupid weak stuff.


----------



## bandit.45

Tell her that you will take texts but not phone calls.


----------



## RWB

collin8550 said:


> Today she called and was fussing with my mom telling her I am hurting the kids by not talking to them during her week and if I don't unblock her *she is going to fight for full custody. *
> 
> *I don't understand why she wants to talk to me so bad. *


C,

Fantasy Island ---------> Train Wreck <--------- Real World

As crazy as it seems, I really don't think cheaters can think through the consequence of infidelity. It not they don't have the capacity to. They just can't let "life" interact with fantasy... sours the milk if you will.

*she is going to fight for full custody. *

Both her worlds are crumbling at break neck speed. You really haven't seen the Fangs yet. Get ready. The children are her real only leverage at this point. She knows now that your desire for her, physical, emotional, whatever is gone. The only Ace she holds... the children.

Lawyer Up.


----------



## lucy999

Keep a record of every time she interrupts your Skype or phone calls with your kids during her week. I worked on a case recently ( I'm not a lawyer) where mom did this and the court laid the hammer down on that nonsense. The key is to keep detailed notes. Courts like it when you're organized.


----------



## Chuck71

RWB is 110% correct. Remember... when she brings her claws out, "stand still." Observe at 50,000 ft.... with no emotion.

This D is now a business deal, she is your adversary... treat her as such.


----------



## collin8550

I want to have zero contact though so she can't sneak in a little remark to hurt me. Like I am causing the kids pain by having her blocked so it's harder for them to talk to me. Even though I know it's her affair that's the reason for everyone's pain.

If I unblock her, after a week or two she will start sneaking in little comments that have nothing to do with the kids and try to bait me into an argument. 

The other day she called my mom to say she made a dentist appt for the kids. Then she used some unknown number to text me and tell me she talked to my mom and scheduled a dentist appt. So there was no need for her to tell me that if she already went thru my mom to set it up.

And if I do Skype the kids, she will probably be in the background talking to OM or something to make sure I can hear.


----------



## alte Dame

It sounds like she's in a panic. She seems to think that her doormat husband was simply supposed to give her whatever she wanted or needed pretty much all the time. Her not ending the A is apparently on you, too.

She sounds like a prize of a mother. She can't handle even a day with her own children.

Keep liberating yourself from this abuse. Talk to your attorney about her behavior and document the instances. Settle on a communication route that will block her attempts to reel you back in. You could set up an intermediary or find another means to just get necessary divorce/kid info.

She's very entitled and your doing everything has allowed this feeling in her to grow, in my opinion. It's very hard when the princess is stripped of her tiara and ballgown. You're seeing that now. For her, it's not because she loves you and wants you. It's because 'IT'S NOT FAIR'! She's a mess because her entitled world is imploding.


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> I want to have zero contact though so she can't sneak in a little remark to hurt me. Like I am causing the kids pain by having her blocked so it's harder for them to talk to me. Even though I know it's her affair that's the reason for everyone's pain.
> 
> If I unblock her, after a week or two she will start sneaking in little comments that have nothing to do with the kids and try to bait me into an argument.
> 
> The other day she called my mom to say she made a dentist appt for the kids. Then she used some unknown number to text me and tell me she talked to my mom and scheduled a dentist appt. So there was no need for her to tell me that if she already went thru my mom to set it up.
> 
> And if I do Skype the kids, she will probably be in the background talking to OM or something to make sure I can hear.


You are an adult. Exercise will power not to answer when she texts you stupid ****. Exercise self control. One of you has to.


----------



## VFW

I hate to tell you this but all her ranting and ravings aren’t to get you back, it is for control. She wants to eat her cake and have it too. This affair has little to do with you or even the other man, it is about her and getting her way, much like a spoiled child. I wish I had a plan to help you make her see the error of her ways, but that is not likely to happen. This is a conclusion she has to come to on her own. The only thing that you can control is you and to be honest you have actually been doing well, though it may not seem like it at times. 

You know that she wants to bait you into arguments, this is to get attention from you, since you are no longer pining after her. While she will try your patients you still need to treat her with a certain amount of respect for your children’s sake, not hers. Do not long for her demise or revenge, instead hope for her to get a grip on life, again this is for your children’s sake. They benefit from her being a well-adjusted parent to them. Hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.


----------



## Chuck71

All she wants is an anger dump depository. You are her 1st choice. Refusal. Can't anger dump what she wants on the kids so....

next up is...... POSOM. He won't stick around long, he just wanted gift wrapped sex. Then... her focus will return to you, "wif dem 

powty lips n batty I's" just be prepared. Line up your ducks...... if you spurn her future advances, it WILL get very nasty.


----------



## Sports Fan

You are handling this unfortunate situation in an awesome manner.

The realisation has set in to your wife that her meal ticket, and baby sitter has been stamped void. Hence why her desperate need to get you back.

Stay Strong. You are on the right path.


----------



## Marc878

Poor muffin she doesn't understand where the old you went!!!!

Oh the pain of it all!!!!

Nice job!!! Now stay on course


----------



## collin8550

From what she says when she ambushes me and from the conversations she had with my mom, she claims to be OK with getting divorced. She claims she just wants her number unblocked so she can communicate with me about the kids. 

She calls my mom one day asking if I'm missing the kids very much or acting sad. Then the next day or two she is fighting with my mom saying I need to unblock her. Then a day or two later she is calm and nice again.

She had her mom call me one morning but I didn't answer, because her mom actually enabled her and helped hide the affair from me a couple times. So I would rather not hear anything she has to say. 

But I don't see what her problem with communicating the kids' business through my mom is. I stay at my mom's when it's my week to keep the kids. So she can tell me everything I need to know. My mom may occasionally be busy and not answer, but that's no different than me being busy and unable to answer. Besides, I have plenty of family members and friends that she can call and have them text me a message in an emergency.


----------



## Marc878

It's because she lost control and is in the dark.


----------



## RWB

VFW said:


> I hate to tell you this but all her ranting and ravings aren’t to get you back, *it is for control.* She wants to eat her cake and have it too. *This affair has little to do with you or even the other man, it is about her and getting her way*, much like a spoiled child.


Spot on. Control... the Power in the relationship.

C, 

Her manipulation of you started long ago.

When she was secretly cheating on you she had all the control in her mind. She could play nice when and where she wanted... and dole out the scraps to leave you guessing the rest of the time.

Mr. Fantastic was always there for her regardless. Truth be told she liked the control she had over you... as addicting as the affair itself.

Just another _sick-o_ aspect of affairs. I still remember the years I was in the dark as to my WW affairs. I was chasing my tail to make her happy... hoop jumping from one issue in our marriage to another. It was never about me... all her.


----------



## JohnA

How much effort are you putting into understanding how your children are coping, what their needs are, what values you want them to have ?


----------



## turnera

Good point. If she's this pushy to you, she may be unloading it all on the kids, too.


----------



## MEM2020

Turnera,
This type of childish crap plays out badly in family court. 

You know better. 





turnera said:


> I can't help it. I would respond one more time. "Really? You f*ck over your friends? I'd hate to see how poorly you treat your enemies."


----------



## MEM2020

Collin,
Your phone/phone company may have a feature that lets you block her calls, but not texts. 

---------
The reason that is useful is simple. You send her a text that says: You can text me but not call me. If however you continue to say hurtful things I will insist all communication go through my mom. 

And I will eventually point out in family court that you are causing intentional distress to the father of your children. 






collin8550 said:


> I want to have zero contact though so she can't sneak in a little remark to hurt me. Like I am causing the kids pain by having her blocked so it's harder for them to talk to me. Even though I know it's her affair that's the reason for everyone's pain.
> 
> If I unblock her, after a week or two she will start sneaking in little comments that have nothing to do with the kids and try to bait me into an argument.
> 
> The other day she called my mom to say she made a dentist appt for the kids. Then she used some unknown number to text me and tell me she talked to my mom and scheduled a dentist appt. So there was no need for her to tell me that if she already went thru my mom to set it up.
> 
> And if I do Skype the kids, she will probably be in the background talking to OM or something to make sure I can hear.


----------



## Yeswecan

collin8550 said:


> I want to have zero contact though so she can't sneak in a little remark to hurt me. Like I am causing the kids pain by having her blocked so it's harder for them to talk to me. Even though I know it's her affair that's the reason for everyone's pain.
> 
> If I unblock her, after a week or two she will start sneaking in little comments that have nothing to do with the kids and try to bait me into an argument.
> 
> The other day she called my mom to say she made a dentist appt for the kids. Then she used some unknown number to text me and tell me she talked to my mom and scheduled a dentist appt. So there was no need for her to tell me that if she already went thru my mom to set it up.
> 
> And if I do Skype the kids, she will probably be in the background talking to OM or something to make sure I can hear.


Your W is losing control over the entire situation. She appears very controlling and with this loss of controlling you emotionally, etc. her last weapon in the arsenal is the kids. Your W is struggling with her new reality....self imposed. 

Don't take the bait or react if and when your W attempts to get you upset. Eventually your W will see the tactic no longer affects you and she will stop. 

Provide a response via text only if it pertains to the kids. Anything else just delete.

Oh, the texting of your mother by your stbx is an attempt to appear to be the mother of the year and pit your mother against you as being uncooperative. I assume your mom has an idea why the divorce proceedings are in motion?


----------



## moth-into-flame

Your wife, besides being a deceitful, lying cheater, is also a bat**** crazy control freak. I know the type, all too well. 

PURE POISON.


----------



## collin8550

The kids are 3 and 5. They haven't said or done anything to make me suspect any abuse. They seem to act as normal as always. In fact, they don't seem to be bothered by any of this at all. 

I suspect they may be complaining to WW that they miss me during her week. I assume that's why she wants me to Skype them so badly, even though they are busy playing and not interested in Skype after about 1 minute. But that's how they always acted when they missed their grandma or someone else. They would keep asking to call or Skype, to get bored with it after 30 seconds of talking. 

I notified their teachers about the seperation and to let me know of any behavior changes. 

We had tickets purchased months ago for an event this week with us and the kids and some other people in my family. WW was asking my mom if she could still go or how I wanted to handle it. I had my mom tell her I would rather not go together. So she is supposed to give her ticket to my father to go in her place. So I am waiting to see if she will go thru with that plan when the time comes in 4 days.


----------



## Quality

collin8550 said:


> The kids are 3 and 5. They haven't said or done anything to make me suspect any abuse. They seem to act as normal as always. In fact, they don't seem to be bothered by any of this at all.
> 
> I suspect they may be complaining to WW that they miss me during her week. I assume that's why she wants me to Skype them so badly, even though they are busy playing and not interested in Skype after about 1 minute. But that's how they always acted when they missed their grandma or someone else. They would keep asking to call or Skype, to get bored with it after 30 seconds of talking.
> 
> I notified their teachers about the seperation and to let me know of any behavior changes.
> 
> We had tickets purchased months ago for an event this week with us and the kids and some other people in my family. WW was asking my mom if she could still go or how I wanted to handle it. I had my mom tell her I would rather not go together. So she is supposed to give her ticket to my father to go in her place. So I am waiting to see if she will go thru with that plan when the time comes in 4 days.



Be prepared for a back up plan. 50/50 odds she's planning on showing up anyway and just not delivering the tickets. As your mom seeks to get that one ticket for dad, she might want to indicate that absent getting that ticket from her ~~ no one is going to go to the concert/event and how disappointing that will be for the kids. Basically, she needs to know that she can't just stall and then show up and join you guys at the event. If you don't get her ticket ~ nobody goes and it's mom's fault. 

In the alternative, if it's assigned seats, see if you can find a way to switch seats with someone else somehow such that you aren't relying on her returning the ticket in order to go and sit away from her. If it's a big venue you could sit where she'll never find you. Or sell the seats on a ticket exchange and get yourself new seats on the exchange or just sell your seats and try to get your money back and don't go and let her do whatever she wants with her ticket. 

My point is ~ don't ask her about or for anything. Cut all ties until if and when she ends her affair. She knows you are going to this event so even if she gives you the ticket she could find a way to show up anyway and then you'll be stuck.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> The kids are 3 and 5. They haven't said or done anything to make me suspect any abuse. They seem to act as normal as always. In fact, they don't seem to be bothered by any of this at all.
> 
> I suspect they may be complaining to WW that they miss me during her week. I assume that's why she wants me to Skype them so badly, even though they are busy playing and not interested in Skype after about 1 minute. But that's how they always acted when they missed their grandma or someone else. They would keep asking to call or Skype, to get bored with it after 30 seconds of talking.
> 
> I notified their teachers about the seperation and to let me know of any behavior changes.
> 
> We had tickets purchased months ago for an event this week with us and the kids and some other people in my family. WW was asking my mom if she could still go or how I wanted to handle it. I had my mom tell her I would rather not go together. So she is supposed to give her ticket to my father to go in her place. So I am waiting to see if she will go thru with that plan when the time comes in 4 days.



Watch what they do, NOT what they say


----------



## collin8550

It's so frustrating because everything still comes in cycles like it did right after D-day. I used to be sad then angry and then feel better and then repeat. Since I filed for Divorce, I cycle between happy and excited about my future, to worried and angry.

The kids were showing me something on their iPad and I saw a text WW had sent me on Skype after I deleted it. She was saying she wants me to unblock just so we can discuss simple things about the kids/divorce. Then she was saying how I blindsided her by filing for divorce and leaving right before Christmas. And also how I am not the only one who is hurt by this. She brought up again how I just ripped us apart suddenly after being together 16 years (really 15 and 2 months, she rounded way up).

I blindsided her, she says. Kind of like she did me with her affair. And she is hurt? Somehow I think she may be hurt a little less than I was by the affair. 

It's funny. When we would discuss the affair, she would say we were only together for 8 years, she never counted the 8 years before marriage. Now she says 16 years or "half of her life" and all this to make it sound as long as possible.


----------



## lordmayhem

collin8550 said:


> It's so frustrating because everything still comes in cycles like it did right after D-day. I used to be sad then angry and then feel better and then repeat. Since I filed for Divorce, I cycle between happy and excited about my future, to worried and angry.


It's called the emotional roller coaster and is quite normal. As time passes, the highs and the lows begin to gradually level out.


----------



## lostmyreligion

collin8550 said:


> It's so frustrating because everything still comes in cycles like it did right after D-day. I used to be sad then angry and then feel better and then repeat. Since I filed for Divorce, I cycle between happy and excited about my future, to worried and angry.
> 
> The kids were showing me something on their iPad and I saw a text WW had sent me on Skype after I deleted it. She was saying she wants me to unblock just so we can discuss simple things about the kids/divorce. Then she was saying how I blindsided her by filing for divorce and leaving right before Christmas. And also how I am not the only one who is hurt by this. She brought up again how I just ripped us apart suddenly after being together 16 years (really 15 and 2 months, she rounded way up).
> 
> I blindsided her, she says. Kind of like she did me with her affair. And she is hurt? Somehow I think she may be hurt a little less than I was by the affair.
> 
> It's funny. When we would discuss the affair, she would say we were only together for 8 years, she never counted the 8 years before marriage. Now she says 16 years or "half of her life" and all this to make it sound as long as possible.


Your wife has a justification hamster on steroids spinning the wheel upstairs right now. Anything to avoid admitting ownership of the consequences of her actions. 

Don't respond to anything not directly child related and stay the course, Collin. You're doing great man.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> It's so frustrating because everything still comes in cycles like it did right after D-day. I used to be sad then angry and then feel better and then repeat. Since I filed for Divorce, I cycle between happy and excited about my future, to worried and angry.
> 
> The kids were showing me something on their iPad and I saw a text WW had sent me on Skype after I deleted it. She was saying she wants me to unblock just so we can discuss simple things about the kids/divorce. Then she was saying how I blindsided her by filing for divorce and leaving right before Christmas. And also how I am not the only one who is hurt by this. She brought up again how I just ripped us apart suddenly after being together 16 years (really 15 and 2 months, she rounded way up).
> 
> I blindsided her, she says. Kind of like she did me with her affair. And she is hurt? Somehow I think she may be hurt a little less than I was by the affair.
> 
> It's funny. When we would discuss the affair, she would say we were only together for 8 years, she never counted the 8 years before marriage. Now she says 16 years or "half of her life" and all this to make it sound as long as possible.



University of Reality
MWF 9:00-9:50
WS Behaviors 101

I-Blameshifting
II-Gaslighting
III-Re-writing history


----------



## JohnA

"Your not the only one hurting", reminds me of the SHmoopie rant "I will never eat your meatloaf again". https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/part-10-the-big-apology/. 

Enjoy !


----------



## moth-into-flame

collin8550 said:


> It's so frustrating because everything still comes in cycles like it did right after D-day. I used to be sad then angry and then feel better and then repeat. Since I filed for Divorce, I cycle between happy and excited about my future, to worried and angry.
> 
> The kids were showing me something on their iPad and I saw a text WW had sent me on Skype after I deleted it. She was saying she wants me to unblock just so we can discuss simple things about the kids/divorce. Then she was saying how I blindsided her by filing for divorce and leaving right before Christmas. And also how I am not the only one who is hurt by this. She brought up again how I just ripped us apart suddenly after being together 16 years (really 15 and 2 months, she rounded way up).
> 
> I blindsided her, she says. Kind of like she did me with her affair. And she is hurt? Somehow I think she may be hurt a little less than I was by the affair.
> 
> It's funny. When we would discuss the affair, she would say we were only together for 8 years, she never counted the 8 years before marriage. Now she says 16 years or "half of her life" and all this to make it sound as long as possible.


Gaslighting. Blameshifting. So unlike a cheater. </ sarcasm>

You should tell her it's funny how textbook cheater her behavior is. Tell her she's a total cliche. My exww was the same. It's like there's a handbook they all study.


----------



## Marc878

Muffin is a special snowflake in her mind but in reality she's just another yellow spot on a snowbank.

Something you avoid at all cost.


----------



## collin8550

Instead of bringing my mom the tickets for our Christmas event today, WW held on to them and met us there so we would have to let her attend with us. I should have left but I went ahead and stayed with the kids since it was only for an hour. 

She was super nice the entire time and kept trying to talk to me like everything was fine and we are best friends. I mostly stayed away from her or just smiled when she would say something to me.

She took a bunch of pictures, so afterwards I unblocked her number and texted her to say "please don't post any pictures of me on the internet." I didn't want her to make it look like we are friends and getting along good. She replied, "I wasn't. I took them to give to you." Then she sent them all to me. But I don't know how she knew I was going to unblock her to be able to send them in the first place.

It wasn't a bad day, it just makes me mad that she acts as though everything is fine and we are friends. She has been alternating between nice and angry for the past month though. But at least that was the last scheduled event we had prepared together. Now I can put the boundaries back in place.

I assume her anger will return again once the divorce gets rolling and the lawyer gets to work.


----------



## Marc878

Shes not your friend the wayward lurks just under the surface. Don't be fooled.


----------



## bandit.45

Waywards desire, more than anything else, control.


----------



## Affaircare

bandit.45 said:


> Waywards desire, more than anything else, control.


----------



## eric1

Keep her unblocked but don't say anything unless its kid related.

She's a special little snowflake, if you can weather the storm it'll RUIN her. She loves validation and you'd give her the opposite. Even blocking her number gives her some level of it.

She doesn't matter to you anymore other than as another person raising your kids. Treat her with the respect, but distance, of a babysitter


----------



## sokillme

JohnA said:


> "Your not the only one hurting", reminds me of the SHmoopie rant "I will never eat your meatloaf again". https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2011/01/05/part-10-the-big-apology/.
> 
> Enjoy !


This is the greatest.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

eric1 said:


> Keep her unblocked but don't say anything unless its kid related.
> 
> She's a special little snowflake, if you can weather the storm it'll RUIN her. She loves validation and you'd give her the opposite. Even blocking her number gives her some level of it.
> 
> She doesn't matter to you anymore other than as another person raising your kids. Treat her with the respect, but distance, of a babysitter




If you were further along I'd agree. To keep her unblocked you must be iron. Never allow her to bait you. Never become depressed as a result of her posts.

If you can do that, then keeping her unblocked can bring her a sweet, delicate type of pain. The uncertainty after texting you.... and waiting.... and waiting... 

I suspect completely ignoring her would piss her off too much and make her a living h3ll to deal with.

On the other hand, after making her wait a looooong time, it might be fun to just give an "I don't give a fuc k " answer like "ok". I think all lower case is a nice touch because you can almost taste the disinterest.

Of course if you feel this way you are putting WAY too much thought into her anyway...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## BobSimmons

collin8550 said:


> Instead of bringing my mom the tickets for our Christmas event today, WW held on to them and met us there so we would have to let her attend with us. I should have left but I went ahead and stayed with the kids since it was only for an hour.
> 
> She was super nice the entire time and kept trying to talk to me like everything was fine and we are best friends. I mostly stayed away from her or just smiled when she would say something to me.
> 
> She took a bunch of pictures, so afterwards I unblocked her number and texted her to say "please don't post any pictures of me on the internet." I didn't want her to make it look like we are friends and getting along good. She replied, "I wasn't. I took them to give to you." Then she sent them all to me. But I don't know how she knew I was going to unblock her to be able to send them in the first place.
> 
> It wasn't a bad day, it just makes me mad that she acts as though everything is fine and we are friends. She has been alternating between nice and angry for the past month though. But at least that was the last scheduled event we had prepared together. Now I can put the boundaries back in place.
> 
> I assume her anger will return again once the divorce gets rolling and the lawyer gets to work.


Have you actually tried the 180?

She keeps baiting you, withdrawing being nice, being mean you keep biting, then you probably spend hours reacting to it, thinking about it, then posting it here.

Words are words. If she texts about the kids then read it, if she slips in she doesn't like your haircut, delete.

Stop replying to her nonsense because she feeds off it. Your whole thing now should be detaching so her words and actions stop having an effect.

You are not powerless because this will go on forever, you'll always have contact with her because of the kids. If you think it's bad now, what until she gets the next OM and starts rubbing it your face, which she most certainly will.


----------



## Chuck71

The POSOM is gone.... you're not her Plan B anymore. She wants to "feel" you out. Maybe Plan A you "for awhile."

Until she loses her control or assumed control over you and thus, enter POSOM#2. Play nice until you can't anymore.

Line up your ducks, line up actions when she "spins out".... you already know when she will. I knew exactly what my XW was

going to do, laid the traps, she fell in, reacted, fell in another. You give defiant people what they want for in the end, it never

turns out as they had hoped. Be prepared for her to use the kids against you when she spins out....... oh... and she will try to

lure you back with sex at some point....


----------



## 225985

Chuck71 said:


> The POSOM is gone.... you're not her Plan B anymore. She wants to "feel" you out. Maybe Plan A you "for awhile."
> 
> 
> 
> Until she loses her control or assumed control over you and thus, enter POSOM#2. Play nice until you can't anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> Line up your ducks, line up actions when she "spins out".... you already know when she will. I knew exactly what my XW was
> 
> 
> 
> going to do, laid the traps, she fell in, reacted, fell in another. You give defiant people what they want for in the end, it never
> 
> 
> 
> turns out as they had hoped. Be prepared for her to use the kids against you when she spins out....... oh... and she will try to
> 
> 
> 
> lure you back with sex at some point....




I'm lost. Is OM gone? So she is not still cheating?

What is keeping her from begging to return? Other than OP?


----------



## Chuck71

When POSOM runs for the hills, WS wants BS back immediately. That way they can initiate Operation Rugsweep and get them back

or buy enough time to get POSOM#2.


----------



## bandit.45

Chuck71 said:


> When POSOM runs for the hills, WS wants BS back immediately. That way they can initiate Operation Rugsweep and get them back
> 
> or buy enough time to get POSOM#2.


And when she does that ....

You do this.....:moon::loser:


----------



## collin8550

She still has OM. He hasn't gone anywhere. The only reason he hasn't moved in is she is too embarrassed from my exposure to have him there this soon probably. Or maybe he is stalling on her.

But if she had been this nice after D-day, maybe we could have reconciled. But I don't know. Maybe she was just scared right after I left and filed for Divorce and that's why she was begging here and there, and maybe now she settled down and realized she is happier without me.

My mom said WW bought me a Christmas gift. I assume she will drop it off when she picks up kids tonight or brings them back for Christmas tomorrow. I was planning on sending it back home when I return the kids to her. Or put it in one of their suitcases for her to find later. Should I do that or just keep the present? I haven't gotten her anything at all.


----------



## 225985

Take the gift. Donate it to a charity. Unopened. 

If she asks, just say you donated it to someone who would use it. 

No, you don't buy her a gift.


----------



## 3putt

collin8550 said:


> Or put it in one of their suitcases for her to find later.


This is what I'd do if I were in your shoes.


----------



## collin8550

I don't want to do anything with the gift for revenge or anything, I just want to do whatever best says, "you cheated and we are not friends and I am not playing your games."


----------



## 225985

collin8550 said:


> I don't want to do anything with the gift for revenge or anything, I just want to do whatever best says, "you cheated and we are not friends and I am not playing your games."




Any gift once given becomes property of the receiver to do what they want. 

Sending it back in pieces would be revenge. 

Sneaking it back into a suitcase is passive and weak. She might even think you just made a mistake. 

Refusing it tells her she still matters to you. Even negative attention is attention. 

Donating it acknowledges receipt of the gift, shows it means nothing to you to receive a give from her, and shows your kindness in donating to others. 

It is not revenge to donate it to someone in need.

It also sends the message that any future gift attempts get the same treatment so she will probably stop.


----------



## Bibi1031

collin8550 said:


> I don't want to do anything with the gift for revenge or anything, I just want to do whatever best says, "you cheated and we are not friends and I am not playing your games."


They desperately want to be your friend in order to appease something inside them. Believe me, it has nothing to do with you. Cheaters are very selfish and it is ALL about them. 

Mine, would give the kids money to buy me a present and take me to dinner. I would split the money in half for each kid. Then I would text the X to let him know that the kids got something special for themselves from "his" money that was given for me. We were no longer related in any way and I didn't need anything from him. He only did it twice and never bothered playing "friends" anymore. 

When this "friends" thing began, I was still talking to one of my SIL that was married to one of his brothers. He kept harping to his family that we were good friends. So, it wasn't so bad that we split if we were still friends. Screw him; I didn't want the demotion and I never agreed to it because I was NEVER asked. I was just replaced and thrown away. Not even a dog is treated that way. Why would I want to be friends with someone who treated their wife of 21 years so dang poorly? It doesn't make one iota of sense, but I was not in his frame of mind and that is why I couldn't make heads or tales sense of this friends nonsense!


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

The fake 'being friends' helps her justify her actions as not very bad to others, and above all, to herself. After all, how bad could it have been if you are still friends?

Don't engage, don't respond to her about anything besides the kids, take the present and regift it, but don't give her one in return.


----------



## alte Dame

Put the gift on ebay.


----------



## MattMatt

collin8550 said:


> She still has OM. He hasn't gone anywhere. The only reason he hasn't moved in is she is too embarrassed from my exposure to have him there this soon probably. Or maybe he is stalling on her.
> 
> But if she had been this nice after D-day, maybe we could have reconciled. But I don't know. Maybe she was just scared right after I left and filed for Divorce and that's why she was begging here and there, and maybe now she settled down and realized she is happier without me.
> 
> My mom said WW bought me a Christmas gift. I assume she will drop it off when she picks up kids tonight or brings them back for Christmas tomorrow. I was planning on sending it back home when I return the kids to her. Or put it in one of their suitcases for her to find later. Should I do that or just keep the present? I haven't gotten her anything at all.


Here is how to deal with it. Return it with a simple note: "This gift was left for me. I expect it was a mistake and you intended it for _OM's Name_."


----------



## Rubix Cubed

MattMatt said:


> Here is how to deal with it. Return it with a simple note: "This gift was left for me. I expect it was a mistake and you intended it for _OM's Name_."


 ^ THIS! ^
There are angles that can hurt / make you look weak to every other posted plan.


----------



## collin8550

I had to drop the kids off to her this evening and I tried to get them out the car and put them inside. She came out and was still being very nice and asked what time I wanted them back tomorrow. I told her as soon as possible. She said "ok be careful". I said bye and left. 

She has been getting way too friendly with me the past couple days, and I hadn't stopped her. So I sent her a message after I dropped the kids off this evening and said not to come outside to talk to me and if bringing them to me, don't come all the way to the back of the house, past my parents, and into my bedroom where I am at (she did this Friday night). She responded, "I haven't done anything but talk to you about the kids. Your mom is stressed out from having to be in between us." I didn't tell her, but my mom isn't stressed out. She is aggravated because WW wakes her up late at night and texts her about stuff other than the kids.

Then she texted my mom a bunch of angry messages saying she will bring the kids when SHE feels like it tomorrow and she isnt using her as an intermediary anymore and she isnt letting me ruin their Christmas with my bullcrap.

I was wondering what happened to that wayward anger, but she found it again.

It seems like I would have no problem going thru an intermediary if I had done something wrong and that was my spouses wish. I don't understand why waywards have such a strong desire to talk to the spouse that they have thrown away. Maybe I will cheat on my next wife just to explore that way of thinking (just joking).

As far as the gift, I like the idea to donate it, but WW will never find out and will assume I kept it unless I tell her. And I want to have zero contact with her so I can heal quicker and move on.


----------



## GusPolinski

Find out what the gift is first, then we can brainstorm on ideas w/ respect to what to do w/ it.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

I like the eBay idea. On the description say "New open box item" (that meets eBay's criteria) and say "STBXW gave this as a gift but it's yours if you're the highest bidder. I don't need anything for it so bid as low as you like".

It's the truth and someone will get a good deal at her expense.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Satya

She's back to rage mode because she couldn't fake her way back to controlling you. 

Just document everything and speak in declarative sentences when you interact. 

"I am going to pick kids up at xx on xx."

"I'm not OK with that."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."


----------



## JohnA

@sokillme glad you liked it. Collins, did you check it out? Sometimes humor allows us to see clearly the farce life can be. https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/part-16-you-are-such-a-good-mother/. Please check this link out,


----------



## Chuck71

Collin..... the more cool, firm, dispassionate you are to her, the more she wants you back. You aren't the same Collin you were a year ago.

She is attracted to your take charge approach. Not saying you want anything to do with her but if you read older threads, this behavior
is quite common.

Use it to get a better deal in the D. If you have time, check out ReGroup's thread. Queen Lizard supposedly had an OM but Group was always 

her focus from page 1 to 425. As for the gift, set it aside in closet, return it to her next year from you to her.


----------



## ABHale

collin8550 said:


> I don't want to do anything with the gift for revenge or anything, I just want to do whatever best says, "you cheated and we are not friends and I am not playing your games."


Send back the gift with this on a note. Do not let her think you kept it.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Like I suggested a couple pages ago, you should have your attorney handle this through a formal letter to her. 

No more calls or texts to you or your mom unless it's an emergency about the kids. 
No gifts are to be sent to you or your mother. 
No more interruptions of your time with the kids. 
No more denying your access to the kids.


----------



## collin8550

The gifts are 2 video games. She marked them and all the gifts as being from our two kids. I didn't open them. I just sat them on top of my dresser. She actually called my mom later to see if I opened them. I told mom to just ignore her texts if they aren't based on the kids.

WW's mom got me a gift card too. I would love to send it back since she helped facilitate the affair and deceive me on several occasions, but I may use it on the kids or something. 

I did look at the cartoon video about schmoopie and the meatloaf. Very funny and very accurate. I ended up watching a couple more.


----------



## Marc878

Send everything back. It's a good statement to say "were done".

They've both played you enough


----------



## sokillme

JohnA said:


> @sokillme glad you liked it. Collins, did you check it out? Sometimes humor allows us to see clearly the farce life can be. https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/part-16-you-are-such-a-good-mother/. Please check this link out,


I have been watching all of them, but the apology one is the best. "Sometimes in things happen for no reason, that aren't anyone's fault" Too funny.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> I had to drop the kids off to her this evening and I tried to get them out the car and put them inside. She came out and was still being very nice and asked what time I wanted them back tomorrow. I told her as soon as possible. She said "ok be careful". I said bye and left.
> 
> She has been getting way too friendly with me the past couple days, and I hadn't stopped her. So I sent her a message after I dropped the kids off this evening and said not to come outside to talk to me and if bringing them to me, don't come all the way to the back of the house, past my parents, and into my bedroom where I am at (she did this Friday night). She responded, "I haven't done anything but talk to you about the kids. Your mom is stressed out from having to be in between us." I didn't tell her, but my mom isn't stressed out. She is aggravated because WW wakes her up late at night and texts her about stuff other than the kids.
> 
> Then she texted my mom a bunch of angry messages saying she will bring the kids when SHE feels like it tomorrow and she isnt using her as an intermediary anymore and she isnt letting me ruin their Christmas with my bullcrap.
> 
> I was wondering what happened to that wayward anger, but she found it again.
> 
> It seems like I would have no problem going thru an intermediary if I had done something wrong and that was my spouses wish. I don't understand why waywards have such a strong desire to talk to the spouse that they have thrown away. Maybe I will cheat on my next wife just to explore that way of thinking (just joking).
> 
> As far as the gift, I like the idea to donate it, but WW will never find out and will assume I kept it unless I tell her. And I want to have zero contact with her so I can heal quicker and move on.


Just give it back to her unopened and tell her that you don't want gifts from her. Do it as unemotional and matter of fact as you can. "Here you can have this back, I am really not interested in getting gifts from you anymore." Then walk away. The gift is to get a rise out of you, if you keep it, it can be brought up, (what do you think of the gift I gave you, why are you treating me so bad I gave you a gift), if you give it back without any emotion you win. In fact every interaction should be done with as little emotion as possible. Emotion is the last signal she can get from you that you still care, if you can avoid it as much as possible she will eventually give up.


----------



## becareful2

Send the gift card back to the MIL with a note saying, "You helped facilitate my STBXW's affair. You had a hand in the destruction of my family, my marriage, and my children's innocent childhood."
Send the games back but don't say anything.


----------



## JohnA

@sokillme it's been about 5 years since she posted a new one. I was suprised when I noticed that fact. She has talent, be great if she ever posted here. 

So, OP have you checked the link out yet. The responses of the the BW you need to see.


----------



## sokillme

JohnA said:


> @sokillme it's been about 5 years since she posted a new one. I was suprised when I noticed that fact. She has talent, be great if she ever posted here.
> 
> So, OP have you checked the link out yet. The responses of the the BW you need to see.


Yeah I agree, she is really funny some of it is over the top but some of it is so subtle, funny and spot on with how these people are. The husband's speech in the beginning to the ex basically making it sound like he had not responsibility at all and it just happened for no reason, that anyone could understand and she just has to accept that that is how life is. How he keeps saying it is a no fault state so therefore it is not his fault. Really great.


----------



## JohnA

Psycho babble turned on it's head and it's ass kicked to the curb. Got to love it,


----------



## collin8550

Yeah John A I watched a few of them. Very good.


----------



## collin8550

Brought kids to her house since my mom was unavailable, and WW asked me "can you help me put the Christmas tree in the attic". I hesitated a second and walked towards the big box that the tree is in and she added, "...or are you going to send me another message saying not to talk to you?"
I said "bye" to the kids and left. I heard her huffing and puffing a little as I left.

She texted a few minutes later asking about the kids school uniform and I reminded her that they are out of school for another week. She replied, "oh I forgot. Ok. Thanks."

I'm trying to have zero contact with her but something keeps messing that up. But most of the time she is very nice and seems to not be bothered by the divorce at all. But every so often she will do or say something mean. I want to keep it at zero contact though so I don't have to keep worrying about whether she is bothered with losing her family or not.


----------



## farsidejunky

She is trying to get you to rescue her. 

That requires minimal effort on her part, in order to get you to move for her.

You almost fell for it, and then realized. Well done. 

Do you see the manipulation at work?


----------



## 225985

farsidejunky said:


> She is trying to get you to rescue her.
> 
> 
> 
> That requires minimal effort on her part, in order to get you to move for her.
> 
> 
> 
> You almost fell for it, and then realized. Well done.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you see the manipulation at work?




OP, like FSJ just said, the explanation for all of her behavior is....manipulation. 

She knows you well. But now that you know her motivate, you can resist it. 

But she is having some missteps. If she had just asked about the tree, she would have won. You would have done it. 

But she couldn't help that dig to hurt you. Her huffing and puffing was because she realized she failed to manipulate you that time.

She will get BF to put up the tree.

And remember, if she is bothered about the divorce, she won't show it with you around.


----------



## Chuck71

HELP ME.....SAVE ME.......RESCUE ME!!!!!! I NEED YOU..... that's all nice n butterfly like.... until she realizes

you are not taking the bait. That's when the claws come out, be prepared. She will use the kids ANY WAY possible 

to get to you.... that's her next to last resort. Guess what the last resort is....... c'mon, just one guess.

But.... but.... she has OM.... doesn't matter, her focus ain't on him.

Watch what the do..... not what they say. Good bet OM knows alllllll about you, LOL.

She is doing what any other WS would do when their fantasyland is turned into a schitpile.

Only respond to polite texts...... better yet, make her go through emails. She will find any reason to

contact you...... "about the kids." Scripted... all the veterans here see it plain as day. Give it until Friday... you'll 

get an anger dump. You must train her how to treat you..... Boundaries 101.


----------



## bandit.45

Perfect. You are doing exactly what you need to do. 

See, she wants all the benefits of marriage with you... such as you helping her hoist the box up in the attic, you fixing the sink, you coming to pick her up when her car breaks down and she is stranded on the highway, you watching the kids while she goes out and fvcks other guys, you stopping by the store to pick up a box of tampons for her...

Text her right now. Tell her the divorce is filed and the marriage contract is on voided. You are no longer obligated to help her in any way, unless it has to do directly with the welfare of your children. That's it. 

If she breaks down on the highway, and the kids are with her, then of course go get the kids... and her by default. If she breaks down on the highway and she's by herself? Text her to call one of her boyfriends to come get her. You will go to where the kids are and watch them until she gets back. It's not your job to take care of her anymore. She needs to be taught very clearly that you are no longer her husband. You are two separate people who just happen to have kids together. And once the kids are grown, you will hopefully never have to cross paths with her again. 

Purge her as much as you can from your life...

Get rid of every shred of evidence that she ever existed. Scrape her name off the obelisks. Make it as if she were never born.


----------



## Affaircare

If I might make a slight adjustment to @bandit.45's post, I would only say that you are endeavoring to attain zero contact, so texting her to tell her you are done is step #1 in starting drama. Rather than text her and start up a potential text war (which is the opposite of zero contact) I would recommend just doing the ACTIONS. Actually file the divorce. Actually live like the marriage contract is voided (because it is--she voided it). When she does break down or need help lifting the tree into the attic, every single time just reply: "I do not wish to be in contact with you. I do not want to be friends. Stop texting me." and that's it. Every single time. Nothing more. And document every single time you have to text that. 

Because I guarantee you she will try to pull what my Dear Hubby's ex tried to pull. She wanted to be free to chase studs in her college class, so she moved out and took the kids with her to a house she rented in a neighborhood she couldn't afford because she didn't really want to work--she just thought she'd get alimony and CS, but let him take care of the kids all day (and night). Then the grass grew at her house and she said "You have to come mow my lawn because the kids need a yard they can play in."  

No I'm not kidding!! She will somehow or another make every text, every chore, every thing about the kids and try to manipulate you into doing it!!

So practice zero contact now. "I do not wish to be in contact with you. I do not want to be friends. Stop texting me."

P.S. The solution to the grass growing at her house was that SHE moved out and SHE moved the kids to a yard they could not use. They had a yard they could use at Dear Hubby's house, and that was the marital home, so he mowed the yard at the marital home and if she did not want to be there, SHE had to mow her own darn yard -OR- she could choose to do what was best for the kids and let them be in their home with a yard that is mowed by their dad.


----------



## collin8550

I see what you all are saying, but it doesn't seem like she is trying to manipulate that much. She seems to be perfectly happy and content just about every time we interact. I guess that is an act though. But I guess you are all right, because she has never been this nice since we first started dating. And every so often she does something that shows she is angry. 

I did file for divorce a month ago and that was a few days before I moved out and told her I want zero contact and to have her go thru my mom for anything regarding the kids or divorce. My family is starting to turn on me a little and saying I am wrong for blocking her from calling me. But of course none of them have ever dealt with a wayward before.

And y'all are right, she does make everything about the kids.


----------



## VFW

Don't treat her with disrespect or contempt, but indifference. You need to have contact to deal with the children, but ignore anything that is not about them.


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> I see what you all are saying, but it doesn't seem like she is trying to manipulate that much. She seems to be perfectly happy and content just about every time we interact. I guess that is an act though. But I guess you are all right, because she has never been this nice since we first started dating. And every so often she does something that shows she is angry.
> 
> I did file for divorce a month ago and that was a few days before I moved out and told her I want zero contact and to have her go thru my mom for anything regarding the kids or divorce. *My family is starting to turn on me a little and saying I am wrong for blocking her from calling me. But of course none of them have ever dealt with a wayward before.*
> 
> And y'all are right, she does make everything about the kids.


Exactly keep on your course. It's not their monkey not their show.


----------



## farsidejunky

You do not owe your family more than one time explaining the situation. After that:

"I see it differently."


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> *I see what you all are saying, but it doesn't seem like she is trying to manipulate that much*. She seems to be perfectly happy and content just about every time we interact. I guess that is an act though. But I guess you are all right, because she has never been this nice since we first started dating. And every so often she does something that shows she is angry.
> 
> I did file for divorce a month ago and that was a few days before I moved out and told her I want zero contact and to have her go thru my mom for anything regarding the kids or divorce. My family is starting to turn on me a little and saying I am wrong for blocking her from calling me. But of course none of them have ever dealt with a wayward before.
> 
> And y'all are right, she does make everything about the kids.


You are still partially clouded, WE aren't. If time stood still for a week and you read other threads here.......

you would see where we are coming from...... 

I knew my M was over four years ago but I was still clouded.... the guys posting on my thread, weren't.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> I see what you all are saying, but it doesn't seem like she is trying to manipulate that much. *She seems to be perfectly happy and content just about every time we interact. I guess that is an act though.* But I guess you are all right, because she has never been this nice since we first started dating. And every so often she does something that shows she is angry.


Stop letting that bother you. Whether it's an act or not has absolutely no bearing on you whatsoever, so stop allowing yourself to be concerned w/ it.

Say this until you believe it...

"I filed for divorce because it's what needs to happen, especially given her lack of remorse and continued infidelity. I don't want her back, and I don't care whether she's angry, content, happy, sad, or whatever about the divorce."

...because right now I'm not sure you do.



collin8550 said:


> I did file for divorce a month ago and that was a few days before I moved out and told her I want zero contact and to have her go thru my mom for anything regarding the kids or divorce. My family is starting to turn on me a little and saying I am wrong for blocking her from calling me. But of course none of them have ever dealt with a wayward before.


Using your mother as an intermediary isn't at all fair to her. It's also pretty weak. End that now.

You're gonna need to develop some thick skin, so do this...

Unblock your ex but _firmly_ request that she limit phone calls to emergencies (i.e. the "broken bones" or "someone is bleeding" variety, not the "I wanna go out with my friends, can you watch the kids?" variety) ONLY. Anything and everything else needs to be handled via email. No texts.

If she calls and it isn't about the kids, you say simply, "This isn't about the kids, so I'm hanging up."

If it is about the kids but isn't an emergency, you say simply, "This clearly isn't an emergency. Send it to me via email and I'll reply."

If she texts and it isn't about the kids, ignore it; if it is, you reply with, "This clearly isn't an emergency. Send it to me via email and I'll reply."

This will train her on how to interact w/ you while simultaneously ensuring that you have a paper trail for EVERYTHING.

It will also help you to build up your resolve in dealing w/ her, which you clearly need.



collin8550 said:


> And y'all are right, she does make everything about the kids.


Be ready for this...

Her: "Can you come buy and put together the twin beds I bought for the kids?"

You: "The kids have beds to sleep in when they're with me. If you have beds for them there then you can put them together. It isn't rocket science."

Tell you what, go read @CTPlay's thread.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> The gifts are 2 video games.


Hmm... 

...which ones?


----------



## GusPolinski

becareful2 said:


> Send the gift card back to the MIL with a note saying, "You helped facilitate my STBXW's affair. You had a hand in the destruction of my family, my marriage, and my children's innocent childhood."
> Send the games back but don't say anything.


I'd send the note, but I wouldn't send the gift card -- or the games -- back.

The kids will probably expect you to have the games on hand when they come over, so keep them.

As for the gift card, I'd cash it out (there are 3rd party sites that will do this) and donate it to charity.

Unless, of course, it's something like a Visa gift card -- you could donate that to a local charity and they could use the entire thing.


----------



## Chuck71

As Gus just stated...... all of us know 99% exactly how it's going to play out......


----------



## Marc878

You have control over your phone she doesn't. 

You don't ever answer a call directly from her. Let it go to VM. If it's not relevant delete - no response needed. Same for texts - read and delete if not relevant 

There is no written law that says you have to answer anything. Kids only, civil and short.

BTW upfront @ 95% or more will not require a response.

It's like training a dog. Repeat, repeat, repeat. She'll get it at some point if you control it.


----------



## Malaise

Chuck71 said:


> You are still partially clouded, WE aren't. If time stood still for a week and you read other threads here.......
> 
> you would see where we are coming from......
> 
> I knew my M was over four years ago but I was still clouded.... the guys posting on my thread, weren't.


Sometimes it's easier to see from a distance.


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> I see what you all are saying, but it doesn't seem like she is trying to manipulate that much. She seems to be perfectly happy and content just about every time we interact. I guess that is an act though. But I guess you are all right, because she has never been this nice since we first started dating. And every so often she does something that shows she is angry.
> 
> I did file for divorce a month ago and that was a few days before I moved out and told her I want zero contact and to have her go thru my mom for anything regarding the kids or divorce. My family is starting to turn on me a little and saying I am wrong for blocking her from calling me. But of course none of them have ever dealt with a wayward before.
> 
> And y'all are right, she does make everything about the kids.


Don't worry about family. They are seeking equilibrium. They just want everything to die down and for everyone to play nice. Once your WW learns she cannot manipulate you anymore, her antics will subside. Then everyone will go back to quasi normal and get off your back.


----------



## farsidejunky

GusPolinski said:


> Stop letting that bother you. Whether it's an act or not has absolutely no bearing on you whatsoever, so stop allowing yourself to be concerned w/ it.
> 
> Say this until you believe it...
> 
> "I filed for divorce because it's what needs to happen, especially given her lack of remorse and continued infidelity. I don't want her back, and I don't care whether she's angry, content, happy, sad, or whatever about the divorce."
> 
> ...because right now I'm not sure you do.
> 
> 
> 
> Using your mother as an intermediary isn't at all fair to her. It's also pretty weak. End that now.
> 
> You're gonna need to develop some thick skin, so do this...
> 
> Unblock your ex but _firmly_ request that she limit phone calls to emergencies (i.e. the "broken bones" or "someone is bleeding" variety, not the "I wanna go out with my friends, can you watch the kids?" variety) ONLY. Anything and everything else needs to be handled via email. No texts.
> 
> If she calls and it isn't about the kids, you say simply, "This isn't about the kids, so I'm hanging up."
> 
> If it is about the kids but isn't an emergency, you say simply, "This clearly isn't an emergency. Send it to me via email and I'll reply."
> 
> If she texts and it isn't about the kids, ignore it; if it is, you reply with, "This clearly isn't an emergency. Send it to me via email and I'll reply."
> 
> This will train her on how to interact w/ you while simultaneously ensuring that you have a paper trail for EVERYTHING.
> 
> It will also help you to build up your resolve in dealing w/ her, which you clearly need.
> 
> 
> 
> Be ready for this...
> 
> Her: "Can you come buy and put together the twin beds I bought for the kids?"
> 
> You: "The kids have beds to sleep in when they're with me. If you have beds for them there then you can put them together. It isn't rocket science."
> 
> Tell you what, go read @CTPlay's thread.


Everything but the "rocket science" part.


----------



## collin8550

What happened? Didn't this thread have more than 16 pages? I'm not seeing the last post I made a couple days ago either.


----------



## ABHale

Don't know Collin but a few had said something about tech difficulties.


----------



## RWB

bandit.45 said:


> *Don't worry about family. They are seeking equilibrium. They just want everything to die down and for everyone to play nice*... everyone will go back to quasi normal and get off your back.


Initially family can be strongly polarized regarding the affairs. When my WW affairs were exposed my family/grown children , my friends were disgusted with her and would not speak or see her for 1/2 year. Hers were as expected more accommodating. 

As the months ground on to years (We R), it was like nothing ever happened. Not a word.

It really puzzled me initially. My IC explained it like a death in the family. There's a time for grieving, there's a time for reflection, and finally there's a time to get back to life. Hmmm. 

In retrospect, it makes perfect sense, everyone has there own issues and problems daily to deal with. Most don't want your drama, they have enough of their own.


----------



## bankshot1993

@collin8550 , in light of what would appear to some tech issues why don't u regale us with the update that seems to have disappeared.

I've been watching you story progress and I must s I'm pretty impressed with your resolve so far. its a pretty tough situation and you've handled it with class and strength so far good on you.


----------



## collin8550

I don't remember what I was going to post the last time, but it was something about how WW had been silent for a couple weeks. She had been texting my mom a little here and there, but she seemed to be doing fine and not at all worried about me or going thru the trouble to try to manipulate me. I also noticed her car at OM's house (he lives with his mother) a week ago as I passed by. She had been embarrassed to go over there ever since I exposed the affair. 

Yesterday was the day my lawyer finally finished the divorce papers after being delayed by the courts during the holidays. I texted WW to tell her she could go pick the papers up instead of serving her. She said ok, asked a couple questions about how to get there, but seemed not at all bothered or sad.

1 hour later she texted and asked if I was happy and if I was better off without her. I ignored her for away while and then she messaged that she wasn't happier and she wasn't better off. I continued to ignore her but I felt sorry for her, even though I shouldn't. 

Also, this nice looking girl on Facebook added and messaged me. It turns out she was dating OM for a while after his divorce, until she dumped him because of his affair with my WW. We have been talking a lot and she keeps inviting me to go eat or meet up and talk. I kept coming up with excuses, but still we text nearly all day for the past week. I am supposed to take my kids and meet her and her kids at her church tomorrow. Only problem is I found out that she is 5 years older than me last night. So I don't know if that will work for either of us or if she is still interested. But OM is 3 years younger than her, so maybe. 

Anyway though, talking to her has made me feel a lot better. I've also been talking to girls on dating sites and they all say I am very handsome. So that has improved my confidence a lot.

But I'm thinking that after I meet this girl tomorrow, I may tell her I can't talk anymore. Before either of us develops strong feelings and gets hurt. But I am also scared she will stop first, because of our age difference. And I want to end it before she does, or at least find out if she wants to keep going. I don't know what to do really.


----------



## Malaise

collin8550 said:


> I don't remember what I was going to post the last time, but it was something about how WW had been silent for a couple weeks. She had been texting my mom a little here and there, but she seemed to be doing fine and not at all worried about me or going thru the trouble to try to manipulate me. I also noticed her car at OM's house (he lives with his mother) a week ago as I passed by. She had been embarrassed to go over there ever since I exposed the affair.
> 
> Yesterday was the day my lawyer finally finished the divorce papers after being delayed by the courts during the holidays. I texted WW to tell her she could go pick the papers up instead of serving her. She said ok, asked a couple questions about how to get there, but seemed not at all bothered or sad.
> 
> 1 hour later she texted and asked if I was happy and if I was better off without her. I ignored her for away while and then she messaged that she wasn't happier and she wasn't better off. I continued to ignore her but I felt sorry for her, even though I shouldn't.
> 
> Also, this nice looking girl on Facebook added and messaged me. It turns out she was dating OM for a while after his divorce, until she dumped him because of his affair with my WW. We have been talking a lot and she keeps inviting me to go eat or meet up and talk. I kept coming up with excuses, but still we text nearly all day for the past week. I am supposed to take my kids and meet her and her kids at her church tomorrow. Only problem is I found out that she is 5 years older than me last night. So I don't know if that will work for either of us or if she is still interested. But OM is 3 years younger than her, so maybe.
> 
> Anyway though, talking to her has made me feel a lot better. I've also been talking to girls on dating sites and they all say I am very handsome. So that has improved my confidence a lot.
> 
> But I'm thinking that after I meet this girl tomorrow, I may tell her I can't talk anymore. Before either of us develops strong feelings and gets hurt. But I am also scared she will stop first, because of our age difference. And I want to end it before she does, or at least find out if she wants to keep going. I don't know what to do really.


Be careful of what you say to this woman. You really don't know anything but what she's told you concerning OM.


----------



## Marc878

You need some time alone you don't need more drama than you already have.

Stay dark with the stbxw. She just wants to eat more cake at your expense.

There's no future there for you. She's shown and told you who she is. Believe!!!!!!!


----------



## 225985

collin8550 said:


> I don't remember what I was going to post the last time, but it was something about how WW had been silent for a couple weeks. She had been texting my mom a little here and there, but she seemed to be doing fine and not at all worried about me or going thru the trouble to try to manipulate me. I also noticed her car at OM's house (he lives with his mother) a week ago as I passed by. She had been embarrassed to go over there ever since I exposed the affair.
> 
> 
> 
> Yesterday was the day my lawyer finally finished the divorce papers after being delayed by the courts during the holidays. I texted WW to tell her she could go pick the papers up instead of serving her. She said ok, asked a couple questions about how to get there, but seemed not at all bothered or sad.
> 
> 
> 
> 1 hour later she texted and asked if I was happy and if I was better off without her. I ignored her for away while and then she messaged that she wasn't happier and she wasn't better off. I continued to ignore her but I felt sorry for her, even though I shouldn't.
> 
> 
> 
> Also, this nice looking girl on Facebook added and messaged me. It turns out she was dating OM for a while after his divorce, until she dumped him because of his affair with my WW. We have been talking a lot and she keeps inviting me to go eat or meet up and talk. I kept coming up with excuses, but still we text nearly all day for the past week. I am supposed to take my kids and meet her and her kids at her church tomorrow. Only problem is I found out that she is 5 years older than me last night. So I don't know if that will work for either of us or if she is still interested. But OM is 3 years younger than her, so maybe.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway though, talking to her has made me feel a lot better. I've also been talking to girls on dating sites and they all say I am very handsome. So that has improved my confidence a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> But I'm thinking that after I meet this girl tomorrow, I may tell her I can't talk anymore. Before either of us develops strong feelings and gets hurt. But I am also scared she will stop first, because of our age difference. And I want to end it before she does, or at least find out if she wants to keep going. I don't know what to do really.




It's just a date, not a wedding. Go have fun for an evening. 

Btw, the connection to her is weird. Did you know her before or does she seek out the husbands of the women that OM has affairs with?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## collin8550

She was one of the people I exposed to from OM's contacts a while back. At that time we talked a lot. Then when I recently changed my Facebook status to "seperated", she messaged me a few days later.


----------



## GusPolinski

Waaaaay too early to be introducing your kids to someone that you're dating / might wind up dating, IMO.


----------



## JohnA

Agree. 

Think about it. Church and brunch just the two of you is a good start. Add in both your children and it is a disaster.


----------



## JohnA

Bye the way it is ok to say here: happy not at this time. Better off ? Perhaps more honest to say I accept necessity.


----------



## 225985

collin8550 said:


> She was one of the people I exposed to from OM's contacts a while back. At that time we talked a lot. Then when I recently changed my Facebook status to "seperated", she messaged me a few days later.




Understandable. She was getting involved with a serial cheater. She didn't know it. You are the white knight that saved her. Plus a great family guy whose wife fell for the cheating OM. And a strong guy that won't put up with cheating. Also shows you have good character. She bonded on that. 

Or you are hot and she just wants to fvck. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## collin8550

Blue in Br, I think that is exactly what happened. But I'm going to go with your second explanation anyway.


----------



## Chuck71

Not a damn thing wrong with dating older women.... I used to date them 10-15 years older than me.

Granted, I was in my 20s.... Unless you want more kids..... throw age out the window.

Nothing wrong with dating....just don't get serious. Some people can't help but get serious,

after sex begins. Be careful.... for yourself... and others. I'm dating again.... here's a tidbit...

single females 35 and up will "hand it to you".... be sure you can handle the aftermath.

Keep your kids away from new females..... they haven't adjusted to their new normal yet.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Chuck71 said:


> . here's a tidbit...
> 
> single females 35 and up will "hand it to you".... be sure you can handle the aftermath.




Well that's one perspective. Another us that they will "take it from you" and are just DTF the same as you are. Women aren't the gatekeepers of sex they once were in society.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Chuck71

TheTruthHurts said:


> Well that's one perspective. Another us that they will "take it from you" and are just DTF the same as you are. Women aren't the gatekeepers of sex they once were in society.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


One can not take, what is not offered.....


----------



## collin8550

I've been talking to a few girls. Nothing serious. But I can tell the affair messed me up. If a girl seems interested and excited, and then doesn't text for a while, I start getting worried and assume she doesn't like me. I easy never like that before. 

Guess I'm still just nervous.


----------



## Satya

collin8550 said:


> I've been talking to a few girls. Nothing serious. But I can tell the affair messed me up. If a girl seems interested and excited, and then doesn't text for a while, I start getting worried and assume she doesn't like me. I easy never like that before.
> 
> Guess I'm still just nervous.


I politely disagree Collin, you're not yet healed enough to put your fears aside. None of us ever lose that fear really, we just learn to live with it, accept it as part of us, and decide that the risk of being hurt again is so much less of a defeat than allowing opportunity to pass us by, unseized. 

You learn to be a person of opportunity, not of fear. 

You are not there, yet. It takes time, introspection, and repeatedly stepping out on that skinny branch and experiencing failure until it really sinks in, that's assuming your mind is fully clear of your ex to begin with. 

Some men (and women) believe that their key to healing is finding another to make them feel whole and validated, maybe even healed. I fundamentally disagree with this, for either sex. Reason being is that if you come together because you're hurt, over time, the thing that brings you together heals with time, and you become less needy. There comes a day when you realize this, and some one ends up being hurt, left hurt, and so the cycle continues in another. 

It behooves you to work on yourself, by yourself, for a time, so you are a more complete person before you look too favorably at dating. If your intentions are for some "fun" dating and are made crystal clear, that's good, but understand that many women who are mature (the type you'll seriously need) simply cannot endure long term in such a relationship, no matter what they say. Without healing, you run a good chance of either finding a woman not really right for you (more like your ex), or too right for you... Meaning she'll be ahead in her own healing process and at a completely different life stage than you. 

Take what I write with a grain of salt, but it has been my truth and experience. All the best.


----------



## TaDor

You shouldn't have your kids meet her or her kids. It's confusing to them and can cause problems for you. Don't do it. 

Keep to extremely light dating or NSA sex only. It'll take years to recover.

The age isn't that different and you have no business looking for a marriage. She should know better too. My wife is about 15 years younger than me. (Her AP was 9 years younger). I know of a female friend of mine in her 50s dated a guy in his 30s.

How about this married couple: he's 37 and she is 49.


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## turnera

You have no business dating so soon. Sure, go to a bar and pick up a ONS if you have to. But no women you're looking to date. They say stay single for a month for every year you were together, before you're ready to date.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Yes, you can date in the modern use of the term. You know like "Yes, I've been out on a few dates." Go have fun, but be completely honest with the women. You are recently separated, you aren't divorced and you want nothing serious at this time. You are currently DATING and having fun. You aren't ready for anything serious now or for quite a while.


----------



## Chuck71

It took me 3.5 years after D to "honest to God" fall in love again. Like I did some 20 years ago.

After my D.... I thought it was love... it wasn't.... I knew it wasn't but guess what I did?

Now I knew exactly what I wanted and she mirrored this.... until 18 months in

Then the bandages came off.... hence the term I use often "bandaged people"

I spent 2013-14 with someone I probably shouldn't have. But we had great times... 

yet nothing to show for it. I dated around for about 18 months and.... found DC.

We aren't together anymore but she did re-instill the fact... you can fall like you did

decades ago.... just stay centered, 50k ft, observe.....

Thing about love.... you don't find it, it finds you, when you least expect it.

Collin... dating and having LTR, two different things.... date to have fun, to learn.....

There are millions of women out there who are separated.... may not want sex right off bat but

want companionship.... friendship. You may be friends with one and a year later, it hits you

.... damn I really like her, and vice versa.


----------



## collin8550

Thanks everyone. That's a lot of good info. I have thought about WW and the affair very little since I've started talking to other girls. 

The one I did think I liked, after a couple days I started to realize she isn't really my type. Just someone compassionate to talk to.

But one thing that is weird, before I was talking to anyone, I felt more noble and like a great guy that was wronged. As long as I am talking to other women I feel like I no longer deserve sympathy. I don't know how to explain it really.


----------



## turnera

My brother refused to date until his divorce was final. He said it was wrong, as he was still married. He had women waiting in the wings, because that integrity was very welcomed.

Thing is, you don't HAVE to have a woman around you. You CAN survive on your own, take care of your own self, and learn to be ok alone. In fact, it's good for you. The more you're ok with being alone, the less likely you are to pick and stay with the wrong woman just to have one.


----------



## Grapes

Chuck71 said:


> It took me 3.5 years after D to "honest to God" fall in love again. Like I did some 20 years ago.
> 
> After my D.... I thought it was love... it wasn't.... I knew it wasn't but guess what I did?
> 
> Now I knew exactly what I wanted and she mirrored this.... until 18 months in
> 
> Then the bandages came off.... hence the term I use often "bandaged people"
> 
> I spent 2013-14 with someone I probably shouldn't have. But we had great times...
> 
> yet nothing to show for it. I dated around for about 18 months and.... found DC.
> 
> We aren't together anymore but she did re-instill the fact... you can fall like you did
> 
> decades ago.... just stay centered, 50k ft, observe.....
> 
> Thing about love.... you don't find it, it finds you, when you least expect it.
> 
> Collin... dating and having LTR, two different things.... date to have fun, to learn.....
> 
> There are millions of women out there who are separated.... may not want sex right off bat but
> 
> *want companionship.... friendship. You may be friends with one and a year later, it hits you
> *
> .... damn I really like her, and vice versa.


This is so very true. In college i befriended a women my sophomore year. I didnt really had feelings for her at the time but we ended up great great friends. 

A couple years later she confessed to me she had a crush. She didnt know how it started but she now had strong feelings for me. I was shocked and felt the same. We dated for a year - it was great. It didnt work out but it did show me that anything can happen. We ended as friends. gawd she was smoking hot <crawls back into hole in wall due to current situation>


----------



## 225985

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone. That's a lot of good info. I have thought about WW and the affair very little since I've started talking to other girls.
> 
> 
> 
> The one I did think I liked, after a couple days I started to realize she isn't really my type. Just someone compassionate to talk to.
> 
> 
> 
> But one thing that is weird, before I was talking to anyone, I felt more noble and like a great guy that was wronged. As long as I am talking to other women I feel like I no longer deserve sympathy. I don't know how to explain it really.




It's because you have confidence now. It's not you. You are still the same great guy. 

I think it's not a matter of deserving sympathy but more like you no longer NEED sympathy. That's great progress. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## happy as a clam

Hey collin... any updates?


----------



## GusPolinski

Ugh.

Unable to see past page 18 of this thread.

ETA: Fixed!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

GusPolinski said:


> Ugh.
> 
> Unable to see past page 18 of this thread.
> 
> ETA: Fixed!


 That issue seems to jump from thread to thread for the past 3 or 4 weeks.


----------



## KaggyBear

your wife will throw you a bone and want to "recover" only to cheat on you again. Just get her out of your life already. *shudders* you deserve better


----------



## Chuck71

TAM never had these issues in the past.... and I will leave it at that

Collin....... FOCUS....... your end game is near

you can date afterwards


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## collin8550

Nothing new really. I text a few girls here and there. For a day or two I feel like I am starting to get feelings for someone, then the next day or two I don't. And some days I feel super good and confident and some I feel just normal. But I'm not leading any girls on or anything like that. I definitely don't want to hurt anyone now that I know what it's like.

But WW is still the same. Every 10 days or so she will try to text me wanting to talk. I just ignore her. The last time she texted, she was asking if I'm better off without her and if I am happier without her. She said she isn't happier or better off. I just ignored her, but I do feel kind of sorry for her. I feel like she is just an ignorant little girl that doesn't understand the real world. 

Occasionally she texts a legitimate question about picking up the kids or something, and if I answer, she sends a bunch of random questions about what I am doing. But I ignore like usual. 

But anyways, I feel good for the most part. I may feel a little down for a few hours here and there, but mostly good.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Nothing new really. I text a few girls here and there. For a day or two I feel like I am starting to get feelings for someone, then the next day or two I don't. And some days I feel super good and confident and some I feel just normal. But I'm not leading any girls on or anything like that. I definitely don't want to hurt anyone now that I know what it's like.
> 
> But WW is still the same. Every 10 days or so she will try to text me wanting to talk. I just ignore her. The last time she texted, she *was asking if I'm better off without her and if I am happier without her. She said she isn't happier or better off*. I just ignored her, but I do feel kind of sorry for her. I feel like she is just an ignorant little girl that doesn't understand the real world.
> 
> Occasionally she texts a legitimate question about picking up the kids or something, and if I answer, she sends a bunch of random questions about what I am doing. But I ignore like usual.
> 
> But anyways, I feel good for the most part. I may feel a little down for a few hours here and there, but mostly good.


Buyer's remorse ..... It's a bytch ain't it!


----------



## bigfoot

Dude, 

You have got to slow down. You are really setting yourself up for failure. 

First, you are not divorced so developing feelings for someone is really out of the question. It is not an issue of cheating, it is an issue of you are little over a month from STARTING the dissolution of a marriage with 2 kids. It"s not fair to the other person, it's not fair to your kids, and it's not fair to you.

Secondly, you are coming out of a marriage. Even if you were already divorced, you SHOULD NOT be getting in a relationship with anyone. You are in relationship mode because you have been in one, so you are only really able to process things from relationship mode. That is, your inclination is to be in a relationship because that is familiar. The thing is, this is not square dancing where you just change partners and keep moving. This is real life.

Third, get to know yourself. Get your head right. Your wife cheated on you for a while. You stayed for a while. You finally left. That is a huge HUGE deal. You have to relearn who you are. Unlearn who you were. Heal from what happened. Figure out how to be alone and not in a relationship. Etc. Maybe you can go out on dates, but I think that a bit over a month out is just ridiculous. Maybe some group gatherings. 

Slow down, learn how to detach. Actually detach. Go through all of the drama that is happening and going to happen. Get you fixed. Then date around, not get in a relationship. Date around.


----------



## Chuck71

Collin..... it takes two people to M, and two people to screw it up. I may get 2x4d on this but......

The demise of a M is never 100 / 0 aka one person's fault. It's rarely exactly 50 / 50... somewhere in

the middle. Own you mistakes.... admit them, and improve in that area.

Many women (yes guys do this too so no gender bias) think they can read your mind and.... lol

think you should be able to read theirs. If there is something a female is not getting out of

a relationship or M..... you'd expect them to tell us. Well.... many don't. The ones that do? Well....

they're not on this board, or if they are, they're in the 10+ year healthy M section.

Try living single for about a year.... it will be rough at first.... but you will learn to cherish it.

Eating Italian in the bedroom in your underwear, sorting through baseball cards, watching a

West Coast baseball game until 1AM.... oh yeah... I wanna give THAT up ....

Well... I would but that person has to be worthy enough for me to do so. Just being cute and shaking

tail won't get it now.... like it did 25 years ago.

Learn about YOU.... re-discover hobbies you had before you were M, and when you do meet

someone.... learn about her, before you let loose with all those chemicals that make you

unable to think straight for awhile. Collin... not bashing you at all, it's just I went, where you are going.


----------



## Malaise

collin8550 said:


> Nothing new really. I text a few girls here and there. For a day or two I feel like I am starting to get feelings for someone, then the next day or two I don't. And some days I feel super good and confident and some I feel just normal. But I'm not leading any girls on or anything like that. I definitely don't want to hurt anyone now that I know what it's like.
> 
> But WW is still the same. Every 10 days or so she will try to text me wanting to talk. I just ignore her. *The last time she texted, she was asking if I'm better off without her and if I am happier without her. She said she isn't happier or better off. I just ignored her*, but I do feel kind of sorry for her. I feel like she is just an ignorant little girl that doesn't understand the real world.
> 
> Occasionally she texts a legitimate question about picking up the kids or something, and if I answer, she sends a bunch of random questions about what I am doing. But I ignore like usual.
> 
> But anyways, I feel good for the most part. I may feel a little down for a few hours here and there, but mostly good.


I would have been tempted to reply : " Then why did you/ are still cheating? "


----------



## collin8550

WW is getting more desperate. For the past 2 days she has been trying to get me to talk. All day today she was trying to contact me. Then she tried to come to my house, until I told her not to. So she tried to get me to come to her house. I ignored her so she sent me a message saying "I realize it's too late for us and too much damage has been done. I'm sorry for everything. I won't try to contact you anymore. Goodbye."

I'm afraid she is about to start getting crazy in the next few days. I don't know what to tell her. I know what I WANT to tell her, but that will just make it worse. I just want to be left alone.


----------



## turnera

"Talk to my lawyer."


----------



## Chuck71

She just might be realizing her F'up. But that's nowhere near remorse.

Again.... beware of the snatch, you're about to get a 11pm door knock in a trench coat

and not much underneath. If that's not your thing.... turn it away brother


----------



## collin8550

WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other. 

To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


----------



## Chuck71

LOL..... co-pay collector. She cheated, no remorse..... Walk the F away


----------



## BetrayedDad

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.
> 
> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


STOP TALKING TO HER MAN. She's still using you as her emotional tampon.

Just don't reply to garbage texts like that. Logistics text ONLY warrant a response.

She's broken and you can't fix her. End of story. Get this poison out of your life.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Chuck71 said:


> Again.... beware of the snatch, you're about to get a 11pm door knock in a trench coat and not much underneath.


Yeah and full of another man's seed. Be warned OP, cheaters don't use protection.


----------



## lordmayhem

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.
> 
> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


Indeed. That is more manipulation on her part and trying to keep you as plan B. Don't be plan B. Wasn't just a month ago you said she was acting all happy and not even caring about a divorce? Reality must be starting to set in.


----------



## rzmpf

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.
> 
> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


Pretty spot on analysis.

It's just a big pile of BS. According to her your whole relationship (dating, engagement and marriage) just consisted of fighting or the affair and she NEVER knew if she liked you. And you did not know either. Of course......

You are pulling the safety net away so she gets a little nervous. No need to validate this crap by giving her an answer. If you want or have to answer just tell her that you know if you like her or not, that's why you are divorcing.

And the therapist seems to need some therapy too (if it even was her therapist who came up with this BS).


----------



## bankshot1993

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.
> 
> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


Sorry dear WW, I'm not the type to fool around with women that are attached and I wouldn't want to come between you and your boyfriend.


----------



## Bananapeel

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.
> 
> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


It's actually worse than that. She's also going to use this time to see how it is to live alone and figure out how much money she can try to take you for, regardless of whether she and the OM can make things work. Time to move at warp speed and divorce her ASAP.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.
> 
> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


Thus it begins dude, don't you DARE wait. The first part might be true, but the "and" makes it false. There are many other ways to deal with fighting you know uhmmm like *THERAPY* before hitting the nuclear winter affair button.


----------



## Affaircare

collin8550 said:


> WW is getting more desperate. For the past 2 days she has been trying to get me to talk. All day today she was trying to contact me. Then she tried to come to my house, until I told her not to. So she tried to get me to come to her house. I ignored her so she sent me a message saying "I realize it's too late for us and too much damage has been done. I'm sorry for everything. I won't try to contact you anymore. Goodbye."
> 
> I'm afraid she is about to start getting crazy in the next few days. I don't know what to tell her. I know what I WANT to tell her, but that will just make it worse. I just want to be left alone.


 @collin8550, 

Here's how you fix this..it's fairly easy. 

You put it in writing: Demand that she cease and desist personal contact otherwise you'll consider it harassment. Here is a sample letter:

________________________

[Your name]
[Your address]

[Perpetrator’s name]
[Perpetrator’s address]

[Today’s date]

RE: Cease and desist from harassing contact

Dear [Perpetrator]:

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to [insert actions here (example: calling me in the middle of the night and hanging up, waiting outside my house, etc)] have become unbearable. You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of the law.

I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment, and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. These remedies include but are not limited to: contacting law enforcement to obtain criminal sanctions against you, and suing you civilly for damages I have incurred as a result of your actions.

Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP [unwanted activities]. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. At this time, I am not contacting the authorities or filing civil suit against you, as I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement. I am not under any circumstances, however, waiving any legal rights I have presently, or future legal remedies against you by sending you this letter. This order acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your illegal activities before I exercise my rights.

To ensure compliance with this letter, and to halt any legal action I may take against you, I require you to stop attempting to contact me. Failure to do so will act as evidence of your infringement upon my legal rights, and I will immediately seek legal avenues to remedy the situation.

Sincerely,

[your signature]___
[your printed name]

______________________

You print two copies of that letter--one you send to her certified return receipt, and the other you keep as your copy and just mark on it "Copy." The post office will attempt to deliver it to her, and if they return the signed, green postcard to you then you have legal proof that she received your demand. If they attempt three times and she refuses to sign for it, you get the postcard back documenting the attempt to deliver, and you have legal proof that you did everything you could to deliver the demand. 

Thereafter, if she attempts to contact you again IN ANY WAY (email, text, call, social media chat...anything) you screenshot and print it on paper, and then go file a restraining order. In the restraining order, you show that you legally demanded she stop and now she is harassing you by these methods (attached appendix 1, 2, 3 of the printed attempts to contact showing timestamp AFTER the letter). 

Boom, she's done. The judge will ORDER her to stop contacting you, and you carry the restraining order on your person as well as keeping copies at home, at work, etc. and then if she tries again, you print or record it, contact the authorities, and THE AUTHORITIES throw her in jail or give her a fine or whatever. The point is--it's not YOU being a jerk...it's the court enforcing the court order!


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair. She asked if I would be open to staying married and seperated but date each other to see if we even like each other.


"I am divorcing you. You might as well accept it so that you can move along with your life."



collin8550 said:


> To me that says, "the affair wasn't my fault. So can you hold off on the divorce until I see if me and OM are going to work out or not?"


More or less.


----------



## Chuck71

Affaircare said:


> @collin8550,
> 
> Here's how you fix this..it's fairly easy.
> 
> You put it in writing: Demand that she cease and desist personal contact otherwise you'll consider it harassment. Here is a sample letter:
> 
> ________________________
> 
> [Your name]
> [Your address]
> 
> [Perpetrator’s name]
> [Perpetrator’s address]
> 
> [Today’s date]
> 
> RE: Cease and desist from harassing contact
> 
> Dear [Perpetrator]:
> 
> This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to [insert actions here (example: calling me in the middle of the night and hanging up, waiting outside my house, etc)] have become unbearable. You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of the law.
> 
> I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment, and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. These remedies include but are not limited to: contacting law enforcement to obtain criminal sanctions against you, and suing you civilly for damages I have incurred as a result of your actions.
> 
> Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP [unwanted activities]. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.
> 
> This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. At this time, I am not contacting the authorities or filing civil suit against you, as I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement. I am not under any circumstances, however, waiving any legal rights I have presently, or future legal remedies against you by sending you this letter. This order acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your illegal activities before I exercise my rights.
> 
> To ensure compliance with this letter, and to halt any legal action I may take against you, I require you to stop attempting to contact me. Failure to do so will act as evidence of your infringement upon my legal rights, and I will immediately seek legal avenues to remedy the situation.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> [your signature]___
> [your printed name]
> 
> ______________________
> 
> You print two copies of that letter--one you send to her certified return receipt, and the other you keep as your copy and just mark on it "Copy." The post office will attempt to deliver it to her, and if they return the signed, green postcard to you then you have legal proof that she received your demand. If they attempt three times and she refuses to sign for it, you get the postcard back documenting the attempt to deliver, and you have legal proof that you did everything you could to deliver the demand.
> 
> Thereafter, if she attempts to contact you again IN ANY WAY (email, text, call, social media chat...anything) you screenshot and print it on paper, and then go file a restraining order. In the restraining order, you show that you legally demanded she stop and now she is harassing you by these methods (attached appendix 1, 2, 3 of the printed attempts to contact showing timestamp AFTER the letter).
> 
> Boom, she's done. The judge will ORDER her to stop contacting you, and you carry the restraining order on your person as well as keeping copies at home, at work, etc. and then if she tries again, you print or record it, contact the authorities, and THE AUTHORITIES throw her in jail or give her a fine or whatever. The point is--it's not YOU being a jerk...it's the court enforcing the court order!


Had to do this with family last year. I was told a RO does not hold water against an "order

of protection" They said the courts can use them a lot more in enforcing the law.


----------



## Affaircare

Chuck71 said:


> Had to do this with family last year. I was told a RO does not hold water against an "order
> 
> of protection" They said the courts can use them a lot more in enforcing the law.


Hey @Chuck71 and OP, 

I'm not a lawyer, but I think restraining orders and orders of protection sort of accomplish the same thing: namely, they protect one party from the harassing, stalking, abusive behavior of another party. I'm sure there are subtitles to the difference, but the idea is to demand that it cease, prove you tried to deliver it, prove it did NOT cease, and then let a judge order it and enforce it. However your state does that process....do that


----------



## browser

Weren't there more recent posts on this thread than 12/23?


----------



## GusPolinski

More fun with threads!


----------



## Chuck71

Last post seen is #320....... But the ads come through PERFECT *eyeroll*


----------



## 225985

Chuck71 said:


> Last post seen is #320....... But the ads come through PERFECT *eyeroll*




I see your post. It's #413.


----------



## 225985

browser said:


> Weren't there more recent posts on this thread than 12/23?




Yes there are posts from today. Like yours.


----------



## Chuck71

Technology...... dontcha just fvcking love it????????


----------



## 3putt

At least now it seems to be fixed. Well, until the next time, of course.

Turrible.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

collin8550 said:


> WW texted today that her therapist told her we never got to see if we even like each other because of distractions in the marriage due to fighting and the affair.


It doesn't matter whether you liked her at some point in the past. You stopped liking her when she started sleeping with another man. No need to explore any further. 

But honestly, cut her off at this point. Tell her not to text you unless it's an emergency involving the kids. What she discusses with her therapist is her own business.


----------



## lordmayhem

Chuck71 said:


> Had to do this with family last year. I was told a RO does not hold water against an "order
> 
> of protection" They said the courts can use them a lot more in enforcing the law.


That is indeed correct. With an RO, the petitioner still has to contact the court that the respondent is violating the RO, and then the judge will decide if the respondent is in contempt of court or not. The judge may then issue a warning or sign a warrant of arrest for being in contempt of court.

Not so with a PO. With a PO, all it takes is the petitioner to contact the police that the respondent is there in violation of the PO, then the respondent is automatically booked into jail. If the respondent is not present, then the police write a report of the PO violation, then the judge signs the warrant of arrest (if there is evidence). POs trump everything, including child custody orders.


----------



## collin8550

Nothing new to report. WW has been mostly quiet since the last time she tried to get me to come over and/or go out to eat with her. The past 2 days she has started to try to talk a little bit about the kids, but nothing important like an emergency or needed information. 

I have been feeling great though. My energy is up most days and my libido is somewhat back to normal. I'm starting to enjoy music again and all this other stuff that I used to enjoy. 

I have tons of women trying to talk to me. I send a little friendly text here and there, but I am happily single. 

95% of the time I never think of the affair or OM or WW. But I do have the odd day here and there where I feel a little down. But they are fewer and fewer.


----------



## bandit.45

You're doing good Collin. Keep it up. Every day you will get stronger and your ex will diminish further and further in your rear view mirror, until she is gone from sight.


----------



## Chuck71

The odd days will decrease over time. When your kids get to a certain age, there is really

no reason to communicate with her. You faced the pain head on... yes it hurt like he!! but look

where you are now. Too many BH stick their head in the sand and wonder WTF things are so

horrible.


----------



## collin8550

Things have been going great for the most part. I did have a small little set back over the weekend when WW added some pictures on social media of her and her family/friends at an event and OM was with them. She had been too ashamed and embarrassed to bring him around them, but not anymore I guess. Also kind of made me angry that her friends/family would be accepting and allow him to go with them.

I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right." It hasn't bothered me very much, but I have been thinking about the affair more often since then. 

She also has stopped texting and bugging me so much. This all started about a week ago when she found out I have a couple female friends, even though I'm not romantically involved with them. 

Overall though, I am doing great and happy most of the time.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> Things have been going great for the most part. I did have a small little set back over the weekend when WW added some pictures on social media of her and her family/friends at an event and OM was with them. She had been too ashamed and embarrassed to bring him around them, but not anymore I guess. Also kind of made me angry that her friends/family would be accepting and allow him to go with them.
> 
> I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right." It hasn't bothered me very much, but I have been thinking about the affair more often since then.
> 
> She also has stopped texting and bugging me so much. This all started about a week ago when she found out I have a couple female friends, even though I'm not romantically involved with them.
> 
> Overall though, I am doing great and happy most of the time.


Man, detach. She is no prize. Let him have her.


----------



## Melrose8888

collin8550 said:


> Things have been going great for the most part. I did have a small little set back over the weekend when WW added some pictures on social media of her and her family/friends at an event and OM was with them. She had been too ashamed and embarrassed to bring him around them, but not anymore I guess. Also kind of made me angry that her friends/family would be accepting and allow him to go with them.
> 
> I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right." It hasn't bothered me very much, but I have been thinking about the affair more often since then.


I think we all get these feelings from time to time.

As for the friends, the reality is half of them don't care about the drama at all and probably have their own worries, the other half probably can't handle the conflict, so accept it, no doubt going home to have a good ***** about it in private.

Failure would perhaps taste sweet but given the way they got together, so is staying together - they have to live with that trust fear for as long as they an item. I know I couldn't live in comfort. 'Sword of Damocles'


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> Things have been going great for the most part. I did have a small little set back over the weekend when WW added some pictures on social media of her and her family/friends at an event and OM was with them. She had been too ashamed and embarrassed to bring him around them, but not anymore I guess. Also kind of made me angry that her friends/family would be accepting and allow him to go with them.
> 
> I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right." It hasn't bothered me very much, but I have been thinking about the affair more often since then.
> 
> She also has stopped texting and bugging me so much. This all started about a week ago when she found out I have a couple female friends, even though I'm not romantically involved with them.
> 
> Overall though, I am doing great and happy most of the time.


Her family will back her play. They may not like it but she is their daughter/sister so they have to live with her. They will make the adjustment. I know you feel betrayed by her family also. It sucks. But, again, life does this to you sometimes. You just have to roll with the punches and move on down the road. 

Stay off her Facebook. All you are doing is pain shopping and that is anathema to your healing process. You need to completely go no contact on every level. That jsut doesn't mean avcoiding communication with her, it also means avoiding all news, gossip and updates about her. 

You counteract the disappointment by focusing on yourself. 

1) Work out...
2) Eat healthy foods...
3) Throw out your old clothes and buy a new wardrobe. Start dressing sharp...it will make you feel better about yourself... 
4) Pamper yourself: treat yourself to a nice haricut and barber shave, try some new cologne, get season tickets for a sports team... 
5) Create a man cave at home... 
6) Take up new hobbies that will expose you to new people: wine tasting, bike riding clubs, hiking clubs.
7) Buy a motorcycle. :grin2:


----------



## Rubix Cubed

collin8550 said:


> I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right."


 Be patient , the odds are far in your favor of getting what you want.


----------



## rockon

bandit.45 said:


> Buy a motorcycle. :grin2:


This, IMHO, is the cure all for any problems a man encounters!!


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> Things have been going great for the most part. I did have a small little set back over the weekend when WW added some pictures on social media of her and her family/friends at an event and OM was with them. She had been too ashamed and embarrassed to bring him around them, but not anymore I guess. Also kind of made me angry that her friends/family would be accepting and allow him to go with them.
> 
> I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right." It hasn't bothered me very much, but I have been thinking about the affair more often since then.
> 
> She also has stopped texting and bugging me so much. This all started about a week ago when she found out I have a couple female friends, even though I'm not romantically involved with them.
> 
> Overall though, I am doing great and happy most of the time.


Unfriend, unfollow, and block her on social media.


----------



## VladDracul

Amen to that Gus. He's as bad as my son who just went through a divorce and periodically calling his momma complaining about his ex publishing pictures of her dates on facebook. He knows better than to call me for sympathy. Simply quit perusing her on social media and the problem is solved and he wouldn't look like dork. Like him, old Collin needs to figure out when you keep sticking your hand in a fire, it will keep burning you. A monkey would lean it after a couple of times.


----------



## collin8550

For the record, I've had her blocked on social media since I left and haven't looked back even once. 

Someone asked me, "who is this guy?", and showed me their phone with the picture up. Otherwise I would never have known. It's possible this isn't the first pic she posted, but it's the first one I've seen. And I'm sure someone would have asked me by now if she has posted some before. 

I told the person that showed me the pic, that I'm not interested in seeing what she is doing in the future.


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> For the record, I've had her blocked on social media since I left and haven't looked back even once.
> 
> Someone asked me, "who is this guy?", and showed me their phone with the picture up. Otherwise I would never have known. It's possible this isn't the first pic she posted, but it's the first one I've seen. And I'm sure someone would have asked me by now if she has posted some before.
> 
> I told the person that showed me the pic, that I'm not interested in seeing what she is doing in the future.


You should have told that person to shove their phone up their azz. People enjoy gossip and dirt and the misery of others. 

Respectfully ask friends and acquaintances to have some respect for your pain and not to talk to you about your STBXWW or what they have heard her doing or who she has been seen with. If they ask you what is up simply tell them "I am divorcing her due to infidelity". And that is it.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Things have been going great for the most part. I did have a small little set back over the weekend when WW added some pictures on social media of her and her family/friends at an event and OM was with them. She had been too ashamed and embarrassed to bring him around them, but not anymore I guess. Also kind of made me angry that her friends/family would be accepting and allow him to go with them.
> 
> I don't want her back at all, but I do want the affair to fail so I can say, "see I was right." It hasn't bothered me very much, but I have been thinking about the affair more often since then.
> 
> She also has stopped texting and bugging me so much. This all started about a week ago when she found out I have a couple female friends, even though I'm not romantically involved with them.
> 
> Overall though, I am doing great and happy most of the time.


Collin...... she has stopped communication with you because she now realizes you were not joking 

when you "made it real." Now she is doubling down with POSOM to keep him around.....

Why? If he bolts and you remain steadfast about not wanting her back, she will be forced

to sit down at the table and eat that 12 inch schit sandwich. NO WS ever wants to eat that....

When he wises up and bolts, the texts will again.... blow up your phone. Trust me....

I 110% understand you being a bit miffed at him just "taking your place" in the family photos.

But remember, her family knows she is BSC..... but they just want her to be happy.

Even though your WW has no clue what being happy is. Again... I get your pizzed.

You put in the work, dated her, engaged, married, kids, house, careers, work / life balance,

and dealing with her family craziness (families always have more than one crazy).

Then this guy throws a compliment, gift wrapped sex, spending time together, meeting family.

He's not had to work for anything....... Whaddyas mean Chucky? Well... when your WW 

says, "Let's move in together," that is when it gets real, for him. No more gift wrapped sex, dealing with

someone else's kids 50% time, taking out the trash, mowing the yard..... Not what he envisioned.

It's clockwork Collin. Let her burn-up like a supernova. In the meantime, you heal and become 

Collin 2.0.


----------



## Chuck71

bandit.45 said:


> You should have told that person to shove their phone up their azz. People enjoy gossip and dirt and the misery of others.
> 
> Respectfully ask friends and acquaintances to have some respect for your pain and not to talk to you about your STBXWW or what they have heard her doing or who she has been seen with. If they ask you what is up simply tell them "I am divorcing her due to infidelity". And that is it.


Collin.... the group of guys I hang out with when time allots... they all tracked my STBXW back in 

Nov-Dec 2012-Jan-Feb 2013. None said a single word to me. It was Championship Week for NCAA 

basketball. They started telling me crazy, funny stuff they saw on FB about her.

They actually knew I was ready before I did. I had many laughs as they caught me up.

If they thought I still wasn't ready.... 4 years later, none would have said a peep.

A true friend would not have done that. Knowing the pain you went through, I would strongly 

consider cutting ties with this person. Like previously stated, he is just nosey and wants dirt or

a complete imbecile. You need neither in your life Collin.


----------



## curious234

Collin,
Are you going to ask for full/primary custody? Then better to move to your house and live as room mates and bond with kids. This will you have more control over POSOM coning to your house POSOM ex is a strong woman, you may want to be friend with her. Like many are telling you should not obsesses with what is happening and make a clean break. From what you said about her not being very caring about your babies (and may be even now) make her less of a good partner


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> For the record, I've had her blocked on social media since I left and haven't looked back even once.
> 
> Someone asked me, "who is this guy?", and showed me their phone with the picture up. Otherwise I would never have known. It's possible this isn't the first pic she posted, but it's the first one I've seen. And I'm sure someone would have asked me by now if she has posted some before.
> 
> I told the person that showed me the pic, that I'm not interested in seeing what she is doing in the future.


"Who? Ah, him. That's one of the guys she's been screwing for the past couple of years or so."


----------



## collin8550

About a day or two after my last post, she started back trying to "talk" with me. She also emailed a big list of complaints to my lawyer. He sat us both down and talked about what is bothering her. She was hoping for the meeting to be about the lawyer scolding me for not taking care of her and giving her money and changing the stipulations so OM can move in while the kids are at home. But it was quite the opposite. She looked like a fool and cried during the entire 1 hour meeting. The lawyer made her look like a crazy person or a child. But he did it nicely and respectfully.

I also broke the news to WW and the lawyer that I still don't want OM around the children because one of his ex girlfriends from several months ago showed me some text messages where OM was saying he doesn't like my and WW's kids and thinks they are aggravating. So I told the lawyer the kids will be even more aggravating to him if he is around them and living with them. Of course WW doesn't care about the kids very much and still wants OM around them regardless if it's bad for them. 

But for the past 4 or 5 days she has been trying to text and ask if I want to get back together. All while continuing to "date" OM. Still no remorse or anything. She is just hoping I am miserable and want to get back together. She also said she misses me and has been texting random messages like we are still married. But I'm not falling for it. I am much happier without her.

I had the lawyer make it to where OM can't be around the kids until the divorce is final. I want to protect the kids, but it also works out great for OM so he doesn't have to deal with kids or help around the house.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> About a day or two after my last post, she started back trying to "talk" with me. She also emailed a big list of complaints to my lawyer. He sat us both down and talked about what is bothering her. She was hoping for the meeting to be about the lawyer scolding me for not taking care of her and giving her money and changing the stipulations so OM can move in while the kids are at home. But it was quite the opposite. She looked like a fool and cried during the entire 1 hour meeting. The lawyer made her look like a crazy person or a child. But he did it nicely and respectfully.
> 
> I also broke the news to WW and the lawyer that I still don't want OM around the children because one of his ex girlfriends from several months ago showed me some text messages where OM was saying he doesn't like my and WW's kids and thinks they are aggravating. So I told the lawyer the kids will be even more aggravating to him if he is around them and living with them. Of course WW doesn't care about the kids very much and still wants OM around them regardless if it's bad for them.
> 
> But for the past 4 or 5 days she has been trying to text and ask if I want to get back together. All while continuing to "date" OM. Still no remorse or anything. She is just hoping I am miserable and want to get back together. She also said she misses me and has been texting random messages like we are still married. But I'm not falling for it. I am much happier without her.
> 
> I had the lawyer make it to where OM can't be around the kids until the divorce is final. I want to protect the kids, but it also works out great for OM so he doesn't have to deal with kids or help around the house.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Wants AP to live with her and your kids but wants you to take her back......

I detect life is not well in POSOMland....


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> About a day or two after my last post, she started back trying to "talk" with me. She also emailed a big list of complaints to my lawyer. He sat us both down and talked about what is bothering her. She was hoping for the meeting to be about the lawyer scolding me for not taking care of her and giving her money and changing the stipulations so OM can move in while the kids are at home. But it was quite the opposite. She looked like a fool and cried during the entire 1 hour meeting. The lawyer made her look like a crazy person or a child. But he did it nicely and respectfully.
> 
> I also broke the news to WW and the lawyer that I still don't want OM around the children because one of his ex girlfriends from several months ago showed me some text messages where OM was saying he doesn't like my and WW's kids and thinks they are aggravating. So I told the lawyer the kids will be even more aggravating to him if he is around them and living with them. Of course WW doesn't care about the kids very much and still wants OM around them regardless if it's bad for them.
> 
> But for the past 4 or 5 days she has been trying to text and ask if I want to get back together. All while continuing to "date" OM. Still no remorse or anything. She is just hoping I am miserable and want to get back together. She also said she misses me and has been texting random messages like we are still married. But I'm not falling for it. I am much happier without her.
> 
> I had the lawyer make it to where OM can't be around the kids until the divorce is final. I want to protect the kids, but it also works out great for OM so he doesn't have to deal with kids or help around the house.


It's good to note here that what you are seeing is the type of person WS usually are. They are just kind of broken people flailing away at the world.


----------



## collin8550

Yeah she follows the same cycle since I left and filed 3 months ago. About every 4 weeks she goes from mad to ignoring me to just normal/indifferent to wanting to discuss getting back together. And it repeats. So she should be transitioning into her mean period any day now. 

I think her ultimate goal is for me to come back home, put everything back to normal and wait while she tries to break it off with OM over the next year or two. Doesn't sound very fun to me.


----------



## Chuck71

Wash............ rinse............ repeat.

It's hereditary with her


----------



## bankshot1993

So she is talking about getting back together with you at the same time she is trying to get permission for her boyfriend to move in with her into your house. Is this a new low on this forum? I've seen some pretty screwed up things on here but that ones gotta rank near the top.

Just WOW!!!!


----------



## collin8550

It sounds like she wants her old pre-affair life and marriage back, and is hanging on to OM in the meantime in case I don't go for it. But if I did go back to the marriage (don't worry, I'm not), she would still sneak and talk to OM for the rest of our lives. She believes or claims to believe, it's only an affair if sex is involved. So she could justify in her mind staying married to me and just calling OM every week or so for the rest of our lives.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> It sounds like she wants her old pre-affair life and marriage back, and is hanging on to OM in the meantime in case I don't go for it. But if I did go back to the marriage (don't worry, I'm not), she would still sneak and talk to OM for the rest of our lives. She believes or claims to believe,* it's only an affair* if sex is involved. So she could justify in her mind staying married to me and just calling OM every week or so for the rest of our lives.


And this is _only_ a divorce


----------



## ButtPunch

Chuck71 said:


> And this is _only_ a divorce


QFT


----------



## bankshot1993

I wonder how the OM would feel if he found out he was plan B and she is only with him because you're rejecting her. Any self respecting man would send her packing... but then again no self respecting man would be screwing around with someones wife so I guess that wouldn't matter.


----------



## Chuck71

This is just me..... course I'm a sociopath when someone "cuts" me....

Tell her you would consider dating after the D is final, IF she complies to your demands.

Once it's final, tell her to F off


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> But for the past 4 or 5 days she has been trying to text and ask if I want to get back together. All while continuing to "date" OM. Still no remorse or anything. She is just hoping I am miserable and want to get back together. She also said she misses me and has been texting random messages like we are still married. But I'm not falling for it. I am much happier without her.


Do you have the OM's phone number? Can you forward her texts to him?


----------



## bandit.45

bankshot1993 said:


> So she is talking about getting back together with you at the same time she is trying to get permission for her boyfriend to move in with her into your house. Is this a new low on this forum? I've seen some pretty screwed up things on here but that ones gotta rank near the top.
> 
> Just WOW!!!!


No....there have been much worse on TAM...much worse. 

This is actually pretty common type of hoovering. This happens a lot.


----------



## Chuck71

bandit.45 said:


> Do you have the OM's phone number? Can you forward her texts to him?


I'd pay to see that meltdown! How in God's name could a WS be going behind a POSOMs back?

Ain't that an EA? Gosh... 

Popcorn time for that "discussion." Two cheaters with commitment issues....

breaks my heart NOT


----------



## bankshot1993

bandit.45 said:


> No....there have been much worse on TAM...much worse.
> 
> This is actually pretty common type of hoovering. This happens a lot.


What are they, I need to read those posts. I just can't wrap my head around somebody trying to save her marriage while trying to move her boyfriend in to the marital home.

That level of insanity is so beyond me that it actually hurts my head to think about it.

Although I will admit that Hentia had a pretty prime nutter on the go there too.


----------



## bandit.45

Chuck71 said:


> I'd pay to see that meltdown! How in God's name could a WS be going behind a POSOMs back?
> 
> Ain't that an EA? Gosh...
> 
> Popcorn time for that "discussion." Two cheaters with commitment issues....
> 
> breaks my heart NOT


It would just show the OM that he is having an affair with a rat just like him. Hell, he might get turned on by it.


----------



## bandit.45

bankshot1993 said:


> What are they, I need to read those posts. I just can't wrap my head around somebody trying to save her marriage while trying to move her boyfriend in to the marital home.
> 
> That level of insanity is so beyond me that it actually hurts my head to think about it.
> 
> Although I will admit that Hentia had a pretty prime nutter on the go there too.


Well every story is different, but we have seen stories of betrayed people who had wayward spouses who were so cruel and heartless as not to be believed. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/166713-wife-confessed-how-handle-her-romps-loverboy.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/39204-how-successfully-end-wifes-affair.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49882-d-day-3-a.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/93642-i-abandoned-my-cheating-wife.html


----------



## Chuck71

bankshot1993 said:


> What are they, I need to read those posts. I just can't wrap my head around somebody trying to save her marriage while trying to move her boyfriend in to the marital home.
> 
> That level of insanity is so beyond me that it actually hurts my head to think about it.
> 
> Although I will admit that Hentia had a pretty prime nutter on the go there too.


One thing you will learn on TAM is..... the de-evolution of humanity.

CPA40
SkaterDad
SteveK
Gridcom
LuvmyJavva (this may be spelled wrong)
Lone Shadow (AP was his dad)
Thornburn
Ckone1800 (success story?)

Help me out Bandit


----------



## bandit.45

Chuck71 said:


> One thing you will learn on TAM is..... the de-evolution of humanity.
> 
> CPA40
> SkaterDad
> SteveK
> Gridcom
> LuvmyJavva (this may be spelled wrong)
> Lone Shadow (AP was his dad)
> Thornburn
> Ckone1800 (success story?)
> 
> Help me out Bandit


I posted a few. 

HerHusband's thread was a heartbreaker of a story. 

DingerDad and his WW AllieBabe_18 went through three D-Days where she vacillated between him and the OM...that was an epic tale. Even though she was an active and contributing member of TAM, she never could unhook herself from her OM. She eventually left DingerDad for the OM, for good, back in 2014. 

Thorburn, as you listed, has probably one of the most despicable wives we have ever come across on this forum.


----------



## GusPolinski

@LostCPA comes to mind as well, mostly due to having twice (?) caught his ex-WW cheating in their home w/ the same OM (neighbor). I think she'd wait until Ambien took him off to Lalaland (he was taking it because he couldn't sleep after D-Day #1) to sneak down to the basement, let OM in, and get it on. Little did she know that her husband had a hidden camera rolling. The confront was pretty epic.

There was another guy here named @missthelove2013 that told some crazy stories, including his mom getting caught with a neighbor kid, as well as his own wife cheating with a co-worker. I think he was eventually outed as a troll.

There was yet another guy that told a story about going to see his wayward mother on her deathbed. She'd spent years putting his father through some heartbreaking stuff, and they never divorced (though they did separate).


----------



## 3putt

bandit.45 said:


> Thorburn, as you listed, has probably one of the most despicable wives we have ever come across on this forum.


Second only to LMJ's WW in my book. That woman......just damn!


----------



## Affaircare

I honestly do not remember the member names--maybe some of the other oldtimers will--but there are two stories that just make my jaw drop










*#1* -- WW works for a doctor whom she looks up to and considers her mentor. Her AP is one of the patients, so her actions put her marriage AND HER EMPLOYER at enormous risk!! So the BH discovers the affair, is dying inside but waits for confirmation, GETS confirmation (essentially catching them in the act at the doctor's office), and when she gets home, confronts her...and guess what? He screams at her for a couple hours. 

WW goes into the doctor "for advice" and proceeds to ask the doc if she should leave a husband who would scream at her for 2 1/2 hours and come unglued. Hearing only that side of the story, naturally doc says "Yes, that kind of behavior is abuse," so WW starts telling friends and family alike that BH is abusive. At that point, he had only gotten proof not long before, it was egregious proof (caught in the act at the place of employment), and he wasn't sure about exposure and whatnot. But once he heard that WW had talked to doc and was using his advice to justify her behavior, he drove over to the doc's office THE NEXT DAY, and essentially said to him: "Did she happen to tell you that I screamed at her for 2 1/2 hours and came unglued because I literally caught her in the act of cheating on me IN YOUR OFFICE ... WITH A PATIENT?" 

Naturally, the doc was changed his tune upon hearing this, immediately fired WW and dropped the patient...but when BH asked WW why she didn't tell the doc all the pertinent facts, she said (here it comes) :

*"It was personal--I didn't think it was relevant."*

I SWEAR TO GOD, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

*#2* -- BH and his WW are members in a "praise band" at a more modern church. Both claim to be Christians. BH discovers his WW is having an affair with another member of the praise band! Now the whole purpose of this band is to .... PRAISE GOD. So BH confronts WW and essentially asks her "How can you commit adultery...and claim to be praising God?" (Good question, right?) And she says some gobbledygook about being able to minister to God more effectively with the OM.  Right! Anyway, so BH ever so properly goes to his pastor, to let the man of God know that the "praise band" is being used for adultery and asking him to step in. 

Here it comes: The PASTOR -- man of the cloth -- not only refuses to step in and tell WW and OM "adultery is wrong"... but claims he won't do it: 

*"... because we need the music." *

I SWEAR TO GOD, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!

If you stick around here long enough, the day will come you'll hear a story so unbelievable you'll feel like your situation wasn't so bad after all!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Chuck71 said:


> This is just me..... course I'm a sociopath when someone "cuts" me....


Naw, you are vindictive....Welcome to the club.


----------



## honcho

bandit.45 said:


> It would just show the OM that he is having an affair with a rat just like him. Hell, he might get turned on by it.


It's highly doubtful the OM is in for the long haul anyway. Sooner or later she will get dumped. He will just use the texts as an easy excuse to show her the door when he's ready.


----------



## bandit.45

3putt said:


> Second only to LMJ's WW in my book. That woman......just damn!


Yeah....

She was a charmer wasn't she?


----------



## browser

Affaircare said:


> I SWEAR TO GOD, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!


One of your stories is about a wayward wife who lied to her employer by omission and made her betrayed spouse out to be the bad guy and the other was about a pastor who was a hypocrite.

Not getting what's so unusual or unbelievable about a religious hypocrite and a lying cheater.


----------



## sokillme

Chuck71 said:


> One thing you will learn on TAM is..... the de-evolution of humanity.
> 
> CPA40
> SkaterDad
> SteveK
> Gridcom
> LuvmyJavva (this may be spelled wrong)
> Lone Shadow (AP was his dad)
> Thornburn
> Ckone1800 (success story?)
> 
> Help me out Bandit


Isn't some of this on them for staying though.


----------



## bandit.45

sokillme said:


> Isn't some of this on them for staying though.


We all make choices, and we live with the consequences.


----------



## 3putt

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah....
> 
> She was a charmer wasn't she?


Oh yeah. There was a time when we all felt so bad for him, but now I feel nothing but good for him because he was able to cut this cancer out of his life and keep his dignity intact.

He handled it like a boss. Nothing but the utmost respect for LMJ.


----------



## browser

Tell him you'll be adding his email address to your spam blocker along with any others he might try to use to contact you and you'll be blocking his phone number and all social media accounts and if any pictures appear on the internet that you believe he took you will hire an attorney and press charges and he can and probably will be arrested and charged with breaking numerous privacy laws. 

Then shut him out of your life and hope he doesn't call your bluff.


----------



## Chuck71

Affaircare said:


> I honestly do not remember the member names--maybe some of the other oldtimers will--but there are two stories that just make my jaw drop
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *#1* -- WW works for a doctor whom she looks up to and considers her mentor. Her AP is one of the patients, so her actions put her marriage AND HER EMPLOYER at enormous risk!! So the BH discovers the affair, is dying inside but waits for confirmation, GETS confirmation (essentially catching them in the act at the doctor's office), and when she gets home, confronts her...and guess what? He screams at her for a couple hours.
> 
> WW goes into the doctor "for advice" and proceeds to ask the doc if she should leave a husband who would scream at her for 2 1/2 hours and come unglued. Hearing only that side of the story, naturally doc says "Yes, that kind of behavior is abuse," so WW starts telling friends and family alike that BH is abusive. At that point, he had only gotten proof not long before, it was egregious proof (caught in the act at the place of employment), and he wasn't sure about exposure and whatnot. But once he heard that WW had talked to doc and was using his advice to justify her behavior, he drove over to the doc's office THE NEXT DAY, and essentially said to him: "Did she happen to tell you that I screamed at her for 2 1/2 hours and came unglued because I literally caught her in the act of cheating on me IN YOUR OFFICE ... WITH A PATIENT?"
> 
> Naturally, the doc was changed his tune upon hearing this, immediately fired WW and dropped the patient...but when BH asked WW why she didn't tell the doc all the pertinent facts, she said (here it comes) :
> 
> *"It was personal--I didn't think it was relevant."*
> 
> I SWEAR TO GOD, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> *#2* -- BH and his WW are members in a "praise band" at a more modern church. Both claim to be Christians. BH discovers his WW is having an affair with another member of the praise band! Now the whole purpose of this band is to .... PRAISE GOD. So BH confronts WW and essentially asks her "How can you commit adultery...and claim to be praising God?" (Good question, right?) And she says some gobbledygook about being able to minister to God more effectively with the OM.  Right! Anyway, so BH ever so properly goes to his pastor, to let the man of God know that the "praise band" is being used for adultery and asking him to step in.
> 
> Here it comes: The PASTOR -- man of the cloth -- not only refuses to step in and tell WW and OM "adultery is wrong"... but claims he won't do it:
> 
> *"... because we need the music." *
> 
> I SWEAR TO GOD, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> If you stick around here long enough, the day will come you'll hear a story so unbelievable you'll feel like your situation wasn't so bad after all!


Hope that "preacher" loves golf. Plays on a very stormy day with lightning.... ducks into trees with clubs in hand.


----------



## Chuck71

3putt said:


> Oh yeah. There was a time when we all felt so bad for him, but now I feel nothing but good for him because he was able to cut this cancer out of his life and keep his dignity intact.
> 
> He handled it like a boss. Nothing but the utmost respect for LMJ.


Nothing like Lone Shadow's WW. Of all the people in the world to choose from, she banged his DAD.

I spoke to him after he stopped posting last year. He was doing really well.

He dated / hung out with a TAM friend.... she said he was doing quite well as of December '16


----------



## TaDor

Because of stories about pastors committing adultery or looking the other way... I simply don't put anyone in faith above others as being "better". They are just as human and screwed up as anyone else can be and idiotic enough to justify someone's BAD actions as being okay.


----------



## Chuck71

TaDor said:


> Because of stories about pastors committing adultery or looking the other way... I simply don't put anyone in faith above others as being "better". They are just as human and screwed up as anyone else can be and idiotic enough to justify someone's BAD actions as being okay.


My parents were getting D back in '82.... I was 10. I was scared to death. They had been going

to church but stopped. I went but yes, it was mainly for social interaction. That's what kids do.

I called the pastor's office and tried to see if I could talk to him. He was "off" until Sunday.

I NEVER saw preachers in the same light after that.


----------



## collin8550

WW sent a long text yesterday basically saying it was nice of me to try to save the marriage before, but I was forcing her to decide between me and OM and it made her resent me. She was saying I should have given her more time to date OM until she could decide to leave him. 

Then she sent another long text that was a lot nicer and worded better, and almost had me feeling sorry for her, but then she ended the message with "if you don't want the relationship, then at least be man enough to get it over with so I don't keep thinking there is still time to fix it."

Not sure how I can be more man enough besides leaving home, filing for divorce, and telling her not to contact me anymore. And I did all that.

Also, the girl that OM had also been seeing several months ago and cheated on with my WW, contacted me yesterday and showed me that OM had sent her a message out of the blue after several months. He was saying he's sorry for everything and never meant to hurt her. He also said she got even with him.

OM and WW both think me and this girl are dating because we are friends and hang out occasionally and let our kids play together. They just found this out probably a week ago, which is when WW started contacting me to get back together more frequently.


----------



## Satya

collin8550 said:


> WW sent a long text yesterday basically saying it was nice of me to try to save the marriage before, but *I was forcing her to decide between me and OM and it made her resent me. She was saying I should have given her more time to date OM until she could decide to leave him. *


LOL!!!! You were supposed to be a good dog and wait for her to figure herself out. Hilarious.
You should never, EVER be anyone's OPTION.



collin8550 said:


> Then she sent another long text that was a lot nicer and worded better, and almost had me feeling sorry for her, but then she ended the message with "if you don't want the relationship, then at least be man enough to get it over with so I don't keep thinking there is still time to fix it."


Again, she is looking for YOU to end things so that it can be YOUR fault. She didn't want the relationship and she won't take ownership for that decision. It's much easier for you to be the bad guy.



collin8550 said:


> Not sure how I can be more man enough besides leaving home, filing for divorce, and telling her not to contact me anymore. And I did all that.
> 
> Also, the girl that OM had also been seeing several months ago and cheated on with my WW, contacted me yesterday and showed me that OM had sent her a message out of the blue after several months. He was saying he's sorry for everything and never meant to hurt her. He also said she got even with him.
> 
> OM and WW both think me and this girl are dating because we are friends and hang out occasionally and let our kids play together. They just found this out probably a week ago, which is when WW started contacting me to get back together more frequently.


It doesn't matter what your WW thinks. This is so much drama that you need to drop like a hot potato.
Ignore jibes from your WW unless it has something to do with the children. Period.
She and the OM deserve each other.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

.


----------



## Ckone1800

Chuck71 said:


> One thing you will learn on TAM is..... the de-evolution of humanity.
> 
> 
> 
> CPA40
> 
> SkaterDad
> 
> SteveK
> 
> Gridcom
> 
> LuvmyJavva (this may be spelled wrong)
> 
> Lone Shadow (AP was his dad)
> 
> Thornburn
> 
> Ckone1800 (success story?)
> 
> 
> 
> Help me out Bandit




I'm still alive and kicking. I still read the forums pretty regularly. 

I read some of these stories and have a difficult time trying to understand why some BH attempt R, and I compare that to my own story. 

In my situation, which is not unlike many other stories here and elsewhere, my WW choose to fix her life. I was grateful for this, as we have children that will rely on her and follow her actions. I needed her to shape up for their good. 

I can't even tell you how far from D-Day we are now. We are in a totally different place in our lives now, and I am finding myself happier. 

I'm still skeptical of how someone can betray another person so harmfully, and I am learning more and more. 

I will still be around here, most likely, in 3 or more years, then I will have a better idea of whether we will be successful with R or not. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> WW sent a long text yesterday basically saying it was nice of me to try to save the marriage before, but I was forcing her to decide between me and OM and it made her resent me. She was saying I should have given her more time to date OM until she could decide to leave him.
> 
> Then she sent another long text that was a lot nicer and worded better, and almost had me feeling sorry for her, but then she ended the message with "if you don't want the relationship, then at least be man enough to get it over with so I don't keep thinking there is still time to fix it."
> 
> Not sure how I can be more man enough besides leaving home, filing for divorce, and telling her not to contact me anymore. And I did all that.
> 
> Also, the girl that OM had also been seeing several months ago and cheated on with my WW, contacted me yesterday and showed me that OM had sent her a message out of the blue after several months. He was saying he's sorry for everything and never meant to hurt her. He also said she got even with him.
> 
> OM and WW both think me and this girl are dating because we are friends and hang out occasionally and let our kids play together. They just found this out probably a week ago, which is when WW started contacting me to get back together more frequently.


Geez. Talk about a delusional, entitled slore.

Not sure if you've just been ignoring her bull****, but it might be time for you to just spell things out for her. Your third paragraph above might be a good template for that conversation.


----------



## 225985

Are you dating OM's ex?


----------



## bandit.45

TaDor said:


> Because of stories about pastors committing adultery or looking the other way... I simply don't put anyone in faith above others as being "better". They are just as human and screwed up as anyone else can be and idiotic enough to justify someone's BAD actions as being okay.


There are a lot of very upstanding, very moral and very honest pastors out there who would castrate themselves before committing adultery. I have known many, and I'm a recovering Baptist who no longer attends church. 

Don't lump them all into one basket.


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> WW sent a long text yesterday basically saying it was nice of me to try to save the marriage before, but I was forcing her to decide between me and OM and it made her resent me. She was saying I should have given her more time to date OM until she could decide to leave him.
> 
> Then she sent another long text that was a lot nicer and worded better, and almost had me feeling sorry for her, but then she ended the message with "if you don't want the relationship, then at least be man enough to get it over with so I don't keep thinking there is still time to fix it."
> 
> Not sure how I can be more man enough besides leaving home, filing for divorce, and telling her not to contact me anymore. And I did all that.
> .


Ignore it. Do not respond. It is not worthy of a response. Move on with divorce and ignore her unless it has something to do directly with the children or the divorce agreement.

Proverbs 23:9: _Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will despise the wisdom of your words_


----------



## TheTruthHurts

.


----------



## bandit.45

TheTruthHurts said:


> Curious bandit - do you just note down the good biblical insults for your amusement?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh...I had Proverbs beaten into me as a kid. Lot's of good stuff in there.


----------



## TaDor

bandit.45 said:


> There are a lot of very upstanding, very moral and very honest pastors out there who would castrate themselves before committing adultery. I have known many, and I'm a recovering Baptist who no longer attends church.
> 
> Don't lump them all into one basket.


I do not lump them all. I have some friends who are good people that happen to be Christian. I'm just stating that having a "Christian" badge doesn't = good person. When someone says "Trust me, because I am a Christian" or anything else = DO NOT TRUST THEM.

Trust me.


----------



## bandit.45

TaDor said:


> I do not lump them all. I have some friends who are good people that happen to be Christian. I'm just stating that having a "Christian" badge doesn't = good person. When someone says "Trust me, because I am a Christian" or anything else = DO NOT TRUST THEM.
> 
> Trust me.


No. Of course it doesn't. And growing up in the church I was blind to a lot of it. But when I got older and could see with adult eyes, I saw despicable things going on....lots and lots of hypocrisy that turned me off to church, which is why I no longer go. But growing up I did have some very straight shooting pastors and youth directors who were very Godly and principled. I'm glad I had them.


----------



## curious234

WW is making assertions just to get her way and wanting to things happen the way she want. Has she always been like this trying to get what she wants without any regard for fairness or other person' feelings?


----------



## Chuck71

curious234 said:


> WW is making assertions just to get her way and wanting to things happen the way she want. Has she always been like this trying to get what she wants without any regard for fairness or other person' feelings?


Like Bandit said last year, three words you will almost never hear from a WW is....

I
was
wrong


----------



## sokillme

bandit.45 said:


> No. Of course it doesn't. And growing up in the church I was blind to a lot of it. But when I got older and could see with adult eyes, I saw despicable things going on....lots and lots of hypocrisy that turned me off to church, which is why I no longer go. But growing up I did have some very straight shooting pastors and youth directors who were very Godly and principled. I'm glad I had them.


I had the same experience, the worst was the pastor telling some young woman secretly that God told them they were meant to be together. This while his wife was leading music ministry. It's a wonder I still go to church. 30 years later and that poor young woman never married. Pastor got deposed and was never heard from again as far as I know. 

Here is the thing, lots of people are in church because they are lost. People may get saved spiritually but changing mentally and morally takes hard work. The church a lot of times preaches that as soon as you get saved you are already changed. The scripture has said God's view of you changed but it doesn't say you don't need to do the hard work it takes to fix yourself. 

I am almost more weary of Christians, because of this. At least ones who have come out of a very abusive and destructive lifestyle. In my childhood watching my verbally abusive step father, in the music ministry. And all the other damaged people who were paraded around my life I am really stand-off-ish. Again there is a reason why they wanted to repent.


----------



## sokillme

Chuck71 said:


> Like Bandit said last year, three words you will almost never hear from a WW is....
> 
> I
> was
> wrong


Yep, the are "different" kind of people that is for sure.


----------



## 225985

Chuck71 said:


> Like Bandit said last year, three words you will almost never hear from a WW is....
> 
> 
> 
> I
> 
> was
> 
> wrong




They almost always say "I am sorry". But you never knowbwhat they are sorry for.


----------



## Chuck71

blueinbr said:


> They almost always say "I am sorry". But you never knowbwhat they are sorry for.


You are correct. Many, including my XW in 2014, do acknowledge their misgivings.

BUT.... that's just it. They rarely ever try to rectify the damage they inflicted. They never attempt

to better themselves. They just want it all.... swept under the rug.

I knew going in, the one year anniversary of our D final, I wanted nothing to do with getting back

with my XW. Her not wanting to fix / improve made that decision so easy.

Had she changed and improved, still couldn't see it. But I would have commended her on her

progress and maybe, one day, we could be distant friends. When a WS does positive 

maintenance on themselves, they not only accept but.... understand their misdeeds.

That is why.... this is rarely seen. My 1st and 2nd love did this.... but it is much too

late for us. Those were 20-25+ years ago.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Chuck71 said:


> Like Bandit said last year, three words you will almost never hear from a WW is....
> 
> I
> was
> wrong


My ex said "I handled it wrong." Then went on to continue handling it wrong. No matter what they say though, it's just words. You have to look at their actions.


----------



## Chuck71

Hopeful Cynic said:


> My ex said "I handled it wrong." Then went on to continue handling it wrong. No matter what they say though, it's just words. You have to look at their actions.


Yep...... -I handled it wrong- Sounds like a young catcher catching a veteran knuckleball pitcher.


----------



## TaDor

@Chuck71 : Mine said she was wrong. Also sorry. But it took a while for her to figure that out.
@sokillme : _"Here is the thing, lots of people are in church because they are lost. People may get saved spiritually but changing mentally and morally takes hard work."_
During the harsh time during the affair / throwing her out - since I was doing some work at a church, I did go. It was helpful... A few good people there did help me when I was falling apart.

But at the same time, I noticed and felt how I was weakening in my broken state how they could have snagged me. My brain was is aware of the hypocrisy and what was going on, that I was in bad shape. It felt good and such. It kind of hurt... I'm not that gullible.


----------



## sokillme

TaDor said:


> @Chuck71 : Mine said she was wrong. Also sorry. But it took a while for her to figure that out.
> 
> @sokillme : _"Here is the thing, lots of people are in church because they are lost. People may get saved spiritually but changing mentally and morally takes hard work."_
> During the harsh time during the affair / throwing her out - since I was doing some work at a church, I did go. It was helpful... A few good people there did help me when I was falling apart.
> 
> But at the same time, I noticed and felt how I was weakening in my broken state how they could have snagged me. My brain was is aware of the hypocrisy and what was going on, that I was in bad shape. It felt good and such. It kind of hurt... I'm not that gullible.


 @TaDor, well here is the thing. Even though I have had some very poor examples at church I am a true believer. It is very easy for me to separate God from Church. Church is a group of men some good some bad and a building were we worship God. Lots of people in my life have let me down or hurt me. But God has never let me down. Even the times when I thought he did, it would later turn out that he didn't and he was always 2 steps ahead. 

As far as the people in church, it's not about them getting you really. It really has nothing to do with them. It's kind of about letting go and trusting. It's actually a lot like love in that way. But that is up to you I am not trying to proselytize here. 

All I can tell you is what he means to me. 

In my life God has always operated like a Frank Capra film. He has done things that were so just magical that it has to be. Small things that only he would know. Kind of like inside jokes. Great thing that when they happen you know. 

Now I am one clinical bastard, I am sure you can read this in my post. I am not cynical about God. I would tell you or anyone to give him a shot. 

Anyway just my 2 cents.


----------



## soccermom2three

I just caught up with this thread. I'm amazed how almost every cheating spouse story is similar. The texts your wife sends you OP, are almost verbatim to the texts my SIL sends to my BIL.


----------



## collin8550

Exactly soccer mom. It's like they all follow some kind of script.

I guess WW and OM made up. She stopped trying to talk about getting back together everyday and now is being mostly quiet. She has been sending a lot of texts to me the past few days though. Like she is going out of her way to show me she is happy and in a good mood. I guess she wants to redeem herself for the past week of begging me everyday to get back together or give her money.

It's a cycle though. Every month she progresses back thru nice, to angry and back to trying to get back together. 

Has anyone else heard of or experienced a wayward cycling like this? Will she eventually stop doing this and leave me alone?
I tell her to stop and it lasts for a few weeks and then she starts back up again.


----------



## Graywolf2

collin8550 said:


> I guess WW and OM made up. She stopped trying to talk about getting back together everyday and now is being mostly quiet. She has been sending a lot of texts to me the past few days though.
> 
> Has anyone else heard of or experienced a wayward cycling like this? Will she eventually stop doing this and leave me alone?
> I tell her to stop and it lasts for a few weeks and then she starts back up again.


Her life was the best it had ever been when she had you and the OM. During her affair she had two men to make her happy and cycled between the two of you. If one of you wasn't making her happy she had the other.

She cycles now because she still wants that life and can't get her head around the fact that she can't have both of you.

It's math:

OM + BH is greater than OM or BH


----------



## bandit.45

*temp*



collin8550 said:


> Exactly soccer mom. It's like they all follow some kind of script.
> 
> I guess WW and OM made up. She stopped trying to talk about getting back together everyday and now is being mostly quiet. She has been sending a lot of texts to me the past few days though. Like she is going out of her way to show me she is happy and in a good mood. I guess she wants to redeem herself for the past week of begging me everyday to get back together or give her money.
> 
> It's a cycle though. Every month she progresses back thru nice, to angry and back to trying to get back together.
> 
> Has anyone else heard of or experienced a wayward cycling like this? Will she eventually stop doing this and leave me alone?
> I tell her to stop and it lasts for a few weeks and then she starts back up again.


And you are ignoring her correct? 

Correct?


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Exactly soccer mom. It's like they all follow some kind of script.
> 
> I guess WW and OM made up. *She stopped trying to talk about getting back together everyday and now is being mostly quiet.* She has been sending a lot of texts to me the past few days though. *Like she is going out of her way to show me she is happy and in a good mood*. I guess she wants to redeem herself for the past week of begging me everyday to get back together or give her money.
> 
> *It's a cycle* though. Every month she progresses back thru nice, to angry and back to trying to get back together.
> 
> Has anyone else heard of or experienced a wayward cycling like this? Will she eventually stop doing this and leave me alone?
> I tell her to stop and it lasts for a few weeks and then she starts back up again.


Before she had a choice, now she doesn't. She may want you more than him but you took

her choice away. She doesn't like that. Now she has no choice and must go to POSOM, 

whether she likes it or not. It's like she "settled." Awww po baybee.... 

Analogy.... be careful what you wish for...


----------



## collin8550

Since the last time I told WW to only contact me regarding the children, she stopped texting about getting back together and stopped bothering me. This lasted about a week.

While trying to Skype with the kids the other night, WW took the phone and started arguing with me about my female friend whose kids play with my kids. WW insists we are dating, but we actually aren't. Finally I told her I wasn't going to argue and told her bye. She called right back immediately and I ignored it and then she texted a bunch.

Soon after that, she ended up texting my friend and telling her I have been going around saying she isn't really my girlfriend and that we are just friends. She also sent her screen shots of my texts where I was saying we aren't dating. Of course the lady didn't mind, because we are really just friends. But WW also was trying to argue with her and being mean. My friend didn't respond to WW and we had a good laugh about it.

So far now it has been 2 days and WW has been quiet. 

Not sure why she would care if I was actually dating, since her and OM are actively dating.


----------



## Grapes

because your not supposed to move on. only she is allowed to do that. This way you will always be there when sh1t hit the fan.

and shes BSC


----------



## GusPolinski

She's pissed that you're not "fighting for her".

Because wake up, that's what you're _supposed_ to do.

And since you're not feeding her those tasty ego kibbles, she's not getting her fix.

Typical BSC WW.


----------



## Marc878

When the shoe is on the other foot it doesn't feel so good.

Poor muffin.

Silence is golden


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Since the last time I told WW to only contact me regarding the children, she stopped texting about getting back together and stopped bothering me. This lasted about a week.
> 
> While trying to Skype with the kids the other night, WW took the phone and started arguing with me about my female friend whose kids play with my kids. WW insists we are dating, but we actually aren't. Finally I told her I wasn't going to argue and told her bye. She called right back immediately and I ignored it and then she texted a bunch.
> 
> Soon after that, she ended up texting my friend and telling her I have been going around saying she isn't really my girlfriend and that we are just friends. She also sent her screen shots of my texts where I was saying we aren't dating. Of course the lady didn't mind, because we are really just friends. But WW also was trying to argue with her and being mean. My friend didn't respond to WW and we had a good laugh about it.
> 
> So far now it has been 2 days and WW has been quiet.
> 
> Not sure why she would care if I was actually dating, since her and OM are actively dating.


:rofl::rofl::rofl: By now... this should not surprise you at all. Let's see.... give her until Wednesday.

She will blow up about who gets the kids for Easter. She can milk that reason for a few weeks.

She had control over you, or she thought she did. Now she knows she has lost it. As Marx stated,

no one gives up power willingly. How similar are these temper tantrums to how she would 

act if she could not get her way when you were M? It's somewhat hilarious when we see 

a WS, who became a WS how....., get livid when they discover the BS is.... dating.

NOT in exclusive relationship, NOT in dating same person seeking exclusive, NOT even simple FWB...

just.... dating. The WS honestly considers that.... cheating! Give her about a week and she will

inform you how unappreciated she feels, how you neglect her emotionally.

Say nothing. Send her two logs, one half size of other, four ropes, box of nails, hammer.

So the next time she feels emotionally neglected or unappreciated she can erect a cross

and nail herself to it.


----------



## collin8550

Last communication we had yesterday was of her yelling and trying to argue with me and getting furious because I remained calm and wouldn't indulge her.

Today she texts me out of the blue, asking how to clean our 6 year old's turtle tank. I replied "just rinse it out real well". That was it. No response from her. Later that night she helped the kids call me on Skype and was being nice and laughing and playing like she wasn't a lunatic just 24 hours earlier.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Last communication we had yesterday was of her yelling and trying to argue with me and getting furious because I remained calm and wouldn't indulge her.
> 
> Today she texts me out of the blue, asking how to clean our 6 year old's turtle tank. I replied "just rinse it out real well". That was it. No response from her. Later that night she helped the kids call me on Skype and was being nice and laughing and playing like she wasn't a lunatic just 24 hours earlier.


No shock from what I have seen here since Nov. '12. You are handling this exactly as I did.

Whiny, bytchy, enraged messages go unanswered. Polite ones, respond to. I had a three day wait

before opening my STBXWs emails. Now if we had kids, open immediately but, if not

truly about kid (I raised her son as mine), as in kid needs band aid followed by three paragraphs

of her rants, ignore. She WILL use the kids to get to you, bet the farm. Bet mine too while you're

at it. Then she will attempt to vagina trap you. AKA showing up at 1AM in trench coat, nothing under,

in tears wondering where you two's love went. Y'know... like the old hair band love ballads from

25-30 years ago. The vagina trap is her very last resort. After that.... she will only use you as a 

de facto H until she snares another and M him. Be patient.... like pneumonia, she will eventually 

"go away." You're progressing very well. I just hope you stick around here and give advice to newbys

when they come. Same reason I'm still here....


----------



## BobSimmons

collin8550 said:


> Not sure why she would care if I was actually dating, since her and OM are actively dating.


She doesn't care.

This, like the affair has nothing to do with you. It's all about her.

Look she finally got her dream, she's with the OM surely that would be that right, she'd leave you the f*ck alone and enjoy herself right? Two love birds in their little bubble you don't really care about what's going on in the outside world.

All this drama, the effort taken in texting or skyping, she no longer has two men fighting for her. Suddenly she's with a cheater and everything is not so secure, but quite frankly she's also a bit of an a**hole. She gets her ego stroking from kicking you in the nuts. 

They say the best revenge is a living a happy life. Go get it!


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> Last communication we had yesterday was of her yelling and trying to argue with me and getting furious because I remained calm and wouldn't indulge her.
> 
> *Today she texts me out of the blue, asking how to clean our 6 year old's turtle tank. I replied "just rinse it out real well". *That was it. No response from her. Later that night she helped the kids call me on Skype and was being nice and laughing and playing like she wasn't a lunatic just 24 hours earlier.


Why would this require a response?


----------



## Chaparral

Forward her texts asking you to take her back to her boyfriend and ask him why he can't take care of her needs. Tell him you do not date or go out with cheaters....... for any reason.


----------



## collin8550

She has been being very crazy the past few days and sending mean and threatening texts. Yesterday morning she sent a long text saying she wants to know what I have heard about OM, because she is going crazy trying to figure out if he is lying to her about stuff. She also said she doesn't want to ruin her life any more than she already has. 
I ignored all this and she got crazier and meaner throughout the day. She emailed my lawyer several times complaining about things that I am doing.

Then this morning she sent a long text saying she is trying to just be a good mom and trying to be friendly and coparent effectively and do what is best for the kids. 

I typed a long response and then deleted it and simply replied "please don't contact me unless it is regarding the kids"


----------



## straightshooter

collin8550 said:


> She has been being very crazy the past few days and sending mean and threatening texts. Yesterday morning she sent a long text saying she wants to know what I have heard about OM, because she is going crazy trying to figure out if he is lying to her about stuff.* She also said she doesn't want to ruin her life any more than she already has.*
> I ignored all this and she got crazier and meaner throughout the day. She emailed my lawyer several times complaining about things that I am doing.
> 
> Then this morning she sent a long text saying she is trying to just be a good mom and trying to be friendly and coparent effectively and do what is best for the kids.
> 
> I typed a long response and then deleted it and simply replied "please don't contact me unless it is regarding the kids"


Collin,

The reason she is going crazy is because her loverboy is apparently giving her a dose of her own medicine, and all of a sudden everything does not look so rosy. If she actually made the exact statement bolded above, then it is apparent she does not see he Om as a long term sure thing and is looking for Plan B.

Don't send her any responses. Give her crickets and if she threatens anything, I am sure your attorney should be able to handle her threats.

i could be wrong, but it sounds like she is fishing to see if there is any possibility you might be lured in again. you know the answer to that one.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> She has been being very crazy the past few days and sending mean and threatening texts. Yesterday morning she sent a long text saying she wants to know what I have heard about OM, because she is going crazy trying to figure out if he is lying to her about stuff. She also said she doesn't want to ruin her life any more than she already has.
> I ignored all this and she got crazier and meaner throughout the day. She emailed my lawyer several times complaining about things that I am doing.
> 
> Then this morning she sent a long text saying she is trying to just be a good mom and trying to be friendly and coparent effectively and do what is best for the kids.
> 
> I typed a long response and then deleted it and simply replied "please don't contact me unless it is regarding the kids"


Your wife has some sort of personality disorder of psychological issue. She really doesn't seem like a stable person. Just keep doing what your are doing. Stay away from her drama as best you can. Unfortunately people who behave this way are so foreign to us that until we are exposed to it, it is almost too hard to believe that their behavior doesn't have some sort of rational reason. They are also good at hiding it. Maybe when you met her you wanted to save her or just thought it wouldn't impact you like it has. I suggest you study up on what your are dealing with maybe talk to a physiologist as this person is going to be in your life for a while. 

I don't think she is one who will wake up one day and realize what she had done. She doesn't seem to have it in her. She is very broken. There are many WS who are like this. I wish people would get training before hand to identify the signs. I am sure they were there. I think Men who are the white knight type have the tendency to see these issues and think if they just love them enough they will fix them. Men who are predisposed to be codependent. Maybe that is you, you should try to find out so you can fix that and pick safer people.


----------



## Marc878

When you take their cake away expect crazy.

If you want entertainment get a good looking girl to pose with you and put it on your Facebook.


----------



## collin8550

Today she keeps sending these texts about different coparenting apps for divorced parents, and asking if we can sign up for one. I just keep ignoring.

But she seems to be in a good mood. Complete opposite of yesterday and the past few days. Not sure what she is doing.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

@collin8550 

Maybe you should start a PART 2 thread. This one still shows that Affaircare is the OP. While TAMers that have been here a while know that's not the case, it would be confusing to newbies.


----------



## lucy999

collin8550 said:


> Yesterday morning she sent a long text saying she wants to know what I have heard about OM, because she is going crazy trying to figure out if he is lying to her about stuff.


Wow is she serious??! I'm sorry but im sitting here laughing my ass off. How rich.

You're doing great. Hold steady. She sees she can't bait you and that makes her furious.


----------



## Tron

She reminds me of Regroup's XW, aka Queen Lizard. 

It's only a good idea, if it was her idea.

Take her up on it, tell her that is a great idea. Keeping in mind that if you guys sign up for a co-parenting app there's the slight possibility that you two won't have to email or text anymore about anything related to the kids except for emergencies. Does that sound good to you? 

Except...she is disordered. What do you think is going to happen if she doesn't have you to brow beat via text in the middle of the night?


----------



## ButtPunch

LOL....I love when an OP can stick to the 180 really well. 

Time and time again, they lose their marbles.

So happy you are not allowing your WW to cake eat.

I think she is beginning to fish as well. Hold steady.

She will ramp it up a notch.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> She has been being very crazy the past few days and sending mean and threatening texts. Yesterday morning she sent a long text saying she wants to know what I have heard about OM, because she is going crazy trying to figure out if he is lying to her about stuff. She also said she doesn't want to ruin her life any more than she already has.
> I ignored all this and she got crazier and meaner throughout the day. She emailed my lawyer several times complaining about things that I am doing.
> 
> Then this morning she sent a long text saying she is trying to just be a good mom and trying to be friendly and coparent effectively and do what is best for the kids.
> 
> I typed a long response and then deleted it and simply replied "please don't contact me unless it is regarding the kids"


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: Her fantasy world is crumbling and....she turns to you.

Not shocking in the least. "Who did she run to when her walls came down?"

Well... she fired you as a H. If I had not read your previous posts, I would guess she has a

drug problem. Most BS at first are afraid the WS will do as they first indicate and walk away and

never look back, but... want to still be friends. It's clockwork when BS come here and are 

told to "stand still" as the WS "Clockwork" implodes as the POSOM / POSOW turn out,

not to be what they said they were. 

Collin... my XW never mentioned a POSOM, don't know if she ever cheated but.... when she walked out

on me.... that was enough. You always... always had her back. Obviously she did not have yours.

Her POSOM is HER problem.... the nerve she had to even ask YOU about him. But that is more

common than you think. Irrational people do irrational things. You are flying high Collin....

Only answer if about kids. Funny thing though.... she will post something about the kids (lost toothbrush,

fish in fish tank died, ran out of notebook paper) but follow it with a seven paragraph

dump about how angry, hurt, or neglected she feels. She thinks you are her therapist. LOL


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Today she keeps sending these texts about different coparenting apps for divorced parents, and asking if we can sign up for one. I just keep ignoring.
> 
> But she seems to be in a good mood. Complete opposite of yesterday and the past few days. Not sure what she is doing.


Give her until Saturday. When her "sweet thang POSOM" doesn't send her his usual -how much and why

I love you text- when he supposed to. Then she devolves. Who is she used to dumping her anger on?

-Oh... Collin was told he wasn't needed. Therefore he does not have to take.... my anger dumps.-

Her world crumbles.... as she sits on her bed, in her nightgown, watching Lifetime, as she 

cries crocodile tears into her gallon of chocolate chip ice cream. Sucks to be Mrs. Collin in

2017 doesn't it?


----------



## Chuck71

ButtPunch said:


> LOL....I love when an OP can stick to the 180 really well.
> 
> Time and time again, they lose their marbles.
> 
> So happy you are not allowing your WW to cake eat.
> 
> I think she is beginning to fish as well. Hold steady.
> 
> She will ramp it up a notch.


Mrs. Collin was just sighted....


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I hope you are saving all of those off the wall texts so that you can show your attorney. What a nutjob.


----------



## Evinrude58

My what a tangled web your ex is weaving, lol.
The implosion is nearing.

Yes, she needs you, and she is thinking about you a lot---- that's why the texts.

I sense she is going to have an epiphany soon and want old reliable back. 

Are you going to take her back?


----------



## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> She has been being very crazy the past few days and sending mean and threatening texts. *Yesterday morning she sent a long text saying she wants to know what I have heard about OM, because she is going crazy trying to figure out if he is lying to her about stuff.* She also said she doesn't want to ruin her life any more than she already has.
> I ignored all this and she got crazier and meaner throughout the day. She emailed my lawyer several times complaining about things that I am doing.
> 
> Then this morning she sent a long text saying she is trying to just be a good mom and trying to be friendly and coparent effectively and do what is best for the kids.
> 
> I typed a long response and then deleted it and simply replied "please don't contact me unless it is regarding the kids"


Hmmmmm maybe a one liner. Cheaters cheat that's why I dumped you.


----------



## TaDor

Marc878 said:


> When you take their cake away expect crazy.
> 
> If you want entertainment get a good looking girl to pose with you and put it on your Facebook.


Better yet... get two good looking girls kissing you at the same time... put it on your facebook...


----------



## eric1

You were her outlet. Now her outlet is about to become the disgusting loser who she is with. Karma sucks


----------



## collin8550

Thanks everyone for the good responses. And no I will never take her back if that day comes. I will never forget how mean and hateful she has been, especially this past week. Also, I saw her 2 days ago when she showed up to the kids tee ball practice. She has gained a ton of weight and looked terrible. 

But yesterday and today she has been a model parent. Complete opposite of how she has acted the past week. She texted this morning asking if we could sign the kids up for swimming lessons in a couple months. I guess she is such a good mother that she wants to figure it all out now instead of waiting until it's closer to the sign up date (joking)


----------



## straightshooter

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone for the good responses. And no I will never take her back if that day comes. I will never forget how mean and hateful she has been, especially this past week. Also, I saw her 2 days ago when she showed up to the kids tee ball practice. *She has gained a ton of weight and looked terrible.*
> 
> But yesterday and today she has been a model parent. Complete opposite of how she has acted the past week. She texted this morning asking if we could sign the kids up for swimming lessons in a couple months. I guess she is such a good mother that she wants to figure it all out now instead of waiting until it's closer to the sign up date (joking)


Collin,

Buy her a dozen Dunkin Donuts but don't talk to her. This is all manipulation. maybe the boyfriend likes skinny women. LOL


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone for the good responses. And no I will never take her back if that day comes. I will never forget how mean and hateful she has been, especially this past week. Also, I saw her 2 days ago when she showed up to the kids tee ball practice. She has gained a ton of weight and looked terrible.
> 
> But yesterday and today she has been a model parent. Complete opposite of how she has acted the past week. She texted this morning asking if we could sign the kids up for swimming lessons in a couple months. I guess she is such a good mother that she wants to figure it all out now instead of waiting until it's closer to the sign up date (joking)


You mean this?


----------



## GusPolinski

TaDor said:


> Better yet... get *two good looking girls kissing you at the same time*... put it on your facebook...


"I'll tell you what I'd do, man... two chicks at the same time, man."










LOLOLOLOL


----------



## Nucking Futs

GusPolinski said:


> "I'll tell you what I'd do, man... two chicks at the same time, man."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> LOLOLOLOL


----------



## Tron

TaDor said:


> Better yet... get two good looking girls kissing you at the same time... put it on your facebook...


----------



## 225985

Tron said:


>




Your post made me think of this.


----------



## curious234

Sometime depression make one eats more


----------



## VFW

collin8550 said:


> But yesterday and today she has been a model parent. Complete opposite of how she has acted the past week. She texted this morning asking if we could sign the kids up for swimming lessons in a couple months. I guess she is such a good mother that she wants to figure it all out now instead of waiting until it's closer to the sign up date (joking)


Don't get caught in the drama. If putting them in swim class this summer is a good idea, then respond: sounds good and offer to split the cost. If there are reasons to wait, then tell her so, but keep yourself above the drama.


----------



## collin8550

She's been fairly quiet for the past week. 2 nights ago she texted at 3am and said she was scared because there was a bad storm. I woke up, saw the text and went back to sleep. 

Last time she was quiet like this for a week or so, I thought maybe it was over and she had finally given up and moved on. But that didn't last long and she was back to bothering me.


----------



## Chuck71

Collin..... here is what she will be at the next time she contacts you at 3AM......






Think I'm crazy????


----------



## bandit.45

collin8550 said:


> She's been fairly quiet for the past week. 2 nights ago she texted at 3am and said she was scared because there was a bad storm. I woke up, saw the text and went back to sleep.
> 
> Last time she was quiet like this for a week or so, I thought maybe it was over and she had finally given up and moved on. But that didn't last long and she was back to bothering me.


You should have texted back "Well, crawl back under your rock...it will pass soon."


----------



## collin8550

WW texted a bunch this morning just talking about random stuff like Trump and Syria. I ignored it all and she texted asking if I want to go to Disney World this summer with her and the kids. I ignored her all day. 

Then this afternoon she texted asking if it was ok if OM rode with her and the children out of state tonight. The stipulations of our divorce say neither of us can introduce the kids to any significant other. Before I answered she said nevermind the kids were staying with her mom. 

We also have a stipulation that each parent must ask the other if they want to keep the kids overnight instead of someone else keeping them. 

So I texted her to let me keep them since it's part of the rules. She fought and argued a bunch and changed her plans and asked again if the kids could go with her and OM out of town to her families house. Eventually though I ended up getting the kids. 

So I don't know, but maybe she will leave me alone for good now.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> WW texted a bunch this morning just talking about random stuff like Trump and Syria. I ignored it all and she texted asking if I want to go to Disney World this summer with her and the kids. I ignored her all day.
> 
> Then this afternoon she texted asking if it was ok if OM rode with her and the children out of state tonight. The stipulations of our divorce say neither of us can introduce the kids to any significant other. Before I answered she said nevermind the kids were staying with her mom.
> 
> We also have a stipulation that each parent must ask the other if they want to keep the kids overnight instead of someone else keeping them.
> 
> So I texted her to let me keep them since it's part of the rules. She fought and argued a bunch and changed her plans and asked again if the kids could go with her and OM out of town to her families house. Eventually though I ended up getting the kids.
> *
> So I don't know, but maybe she will leave me alone for good *now.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Just wait.... she hasn't even devolved yet. Just wait until POSOM runs for the hills.

Or anything else for that matter.... because Collin, everything that went wrong in her life....

was YOUR fault.


----------



## GusPolinski

When will the divorce be final?


----------



## Rubix Cubed

collin8550 said:


> WW texted a bunch this morning just talking about random stuff like Trump and Syria. I ignored it all and she texted asking if I want to go to Disney World this summer with her and the kids. I ignored her all day.
> 
> *Then this afternoon she texted asking if it was ok if OM rode with her and the children out of state tonight. The stipulations of our divorce say neither of us can introduce the kids to any significant other. *Before I answered she said nevermind the kids were staying with her mom.
> 
> *We also have a stipulation that each parent must ask the other if they want to keep the kids overnight instead of someone else keeping them. *
> 
> So I texted her to let me keep them since it's part of the rules. She fought and argued a bunch and changed her plans and asked again if the kids could go with her and OM out of town to her families house. Eventually though I ended up getting the kids.
> 
> So I don't know, but maybe she will leave me alone for good now.


 Both of these were so you had to respond and couldn't ignore her anymore. She's a manipulative one.


----------



## collin8550

The divorce won't be final until February at the earliest


----------



## Marc878

Good god man she's a total loon !

You can't get away from this fast enough.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I know the world hates divorce, but forcing people to remain together is just as dumb as quickie divorces. Seriously, if one of the parties is dating or can be proven to have an affair partner the divorce should be fast tracked.


----------



## Chuck71

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I know the world hates divorce, but forcing people to remain together is just as dumb as quickie divorces. Seriously, if one of the parties is dating or can be proven to have an affair partner the divorce should be fast tracked.


My wait time was 60 days (would have been 90 with kids) if no lawyers were needed. Everything agreeable.

GA was 30 and 60 days, at least it was in late '12. I think they up'd it. I had never in my life 

heard of a year wait until I read ReGroup's thread. Numerous threads I ran across.... one year wait.

Completely insane. 180 days at the most, even with kids. 30 without or kids over 18.

But the lawyers love it.... more billable hours.


----------



## VFW

She seems to have this teenager attitude, that she pushes the boundary all the time. Also she is always fishing to get a reaction out of you. You have done well, I know it doesn't feel like it at times, but just stay on target and concentrate on the kids. When they are with her, concentrate on you and do fun things for you.


----------



## Evinrude58

Chuck71 said:


> My wait time was 60 days (would have been 90 with kids) if no lawyers were needed. Everything agreeable.
> 
> GA was 30 and 60 days, at least it was in late '12. I think they up'd it. I had never in my life
> 
> heard of a year wait until I read ReGroup's thread. Numerous threads I ran across.... one year wait.
> 
> Completely insane. 180 days at the most, even with kids. 30 without or kids over 18.
> 
> But the lawyers love it.... more billable hours.


Louisiana is a year wait with kids. It's a looooooooonnnngggg. Freaking year, too.


----------



## Evinrude58

Collin, she likes to do obvious BS like so about OM riding with her and kids, just to piss you off. I'm her screwed up little head, if you're upset, it's because you still care about her. She wants to know you're still on the hook.

Never show her any emotion whatsoever. It will really drive her nuts. Trust me on this.


----------



## Chuck71

Evinrude58 said:


> Collin, she likes to do obvious BS like so about OM riding with her and kids, just to piss you off. I'm her screwed up little head, if you're upset, it's because you still care about her. She wants to know you're still on the hook.
> 
> Never show her any emotion whatsoever. It will really drive her nuts. Trust me on this.


Women trade sex for attention.... men trade attention for sex.

When WW isn't getting the attention she wants from OM, by crap she will try to get it from Collin.

When Collin does not give her the response she desires, she then has to own it.... or find another

place to anger dump.


----------



## Chuck71

Evinrude58 said:


> Collin, she likes to do obvious BS like so about OM riding with her and kids, just to piss you off. I'm her screwed up little head, if you're upset, it's because you still care about her. She wants to know you're still on the hook.
> 
> Never show her any emotion whatsoever. It will really drive her nuts. Trust me on this.



Collin.... this post was taken from Yoda (Conrad). It explains a great deal.....

"None of this verbal crap has a thing to do with your kids.

This is about your wife searching for codependent Collin, searching for some lever to exert control.

Think of it like a soda machine. She is used to pushing her favorite button and getting her favorite flavor. 

She simply is flabbergasted that the button no longer works.

And, she is seeing your male resolve for the first time in a long time.

That is attractive to her.

If you stand up to her, you'll stand up to the world (for her)

Remember - fitness tests."

The OPs name was changed to yours


----------



## collin8550

Yeah the lawyer said we could fast track the divorce if I can prove adultery, but he said there is no point unless she is asking for alimony and all this other stuff.


----------



## Evinrude58

Then prove afultery, because she'll be asking "for all the other stuff".

Maybe not now, but it will happen. Guaranteed.

Prove it because it should be on the divorce papers. She should have to own it, Collin.


----------



## Chuck71

But catching a married woman and OM coming out of a hotel at 4am means nothing to the courts.....

They were discussing quarterly budgets off-time......

The courts want fresh porn.... per say

Since they are judges, WTFE can they watch smut?


----------



## Evinrude58

I think the proof on adultery has changed a little, chuck. I don't think you have to have pics of them actually slapping nasties anymore in a lot of states.

If it cost a couple of thousand, it would be worth it to me to have it on record. If it got me out of paying alimony-- icing on the cake.

Most states dgaf if a spouse cheats. That's crazy--- marriage is a legal contract---- adultery is breaking the contract for sure.

It's all about keeping lawyers' pockets lined.


----------



## farsidejunky

Regroups thread was a clinic.



Chuck71 said:


> Collin.... this post was taken from Yoda (Conrad). It explains a great deal.....
> 
> "None of this verbal crap has a thing to do with your kids.
> 
> This is about your wife searching for codependent Collin, searching for some lever to exert control.
> 
> Think of it like a soda machine. She is used to pushing her favorite button and getting her favorite flavor.
> 
> She simply is flabbergasted that the button no longer works.
> 
> And, she is seeing your male resolve for the first time in a long time.
> 
> That is attractive to her.
> 
> If you stand up to her, you'll stand up to the world (for her)
> 
> Remember - fitness tests."
> 
> The OPs name was changed to yours


----------



## collin8550

WW has been being super nice the past week. Friday she took the kids to her families' to have Easter and brought them back Saturday with a greeting card and gift card "from the kids" for me.

Then yesterday when I was ready to bring the kids to her, I couldn't get in touch with her for a couple hours. Finally she answered and said she was asleep because she has been sick. Once I got to her house she tried to talk to me when I was leaving to ask if I wanted to go on vacation with her and the kids this summer. I told her no and that I was in a hurry and couldn't talk. Right after I left she texted a few times asking if we could talk and that she misses me and asking if I miss her. I just ignored it.

But she looked terrible like she maybe gained 40 more lbs in addition to the 40 she gained since I saw her a couple weeks ago.


----------



## collin8550

By the way, what does that mean in the previous post where it says "remember fitness tests"?


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> WW has been being super nice the past week. Friday she took the kids to her families' to have Easter and brought them back Saturday with a greeting card and gift card "from the kids" for me.
> 
> Then yesterday when I was ready to bring the kids to her, I couldn't get in touch with her for a couple hours. Finally she answered and said she was asleep because she has been sick. Once I got to her house she tried to talk to me when I was leaving to ask if I wanted to go on vacation with her and the kids this summer. I told her no and that I was in a hurry and couldn't talk. Right after I left she texted a few times asking if we could talk and that she misses me and asking if I miss her. I just ignored it.
> 
> But she looked terrible like she maybe gained 40 more lbs in addition to the 40 she gained since I saw her a couple weeks ago.


Sounds like OM dumped her.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> By the way, what does that mean in the previous post where it says "remember fitness tests"?


Read up on "**** (word that rhymes with "fit") tests".


----------



## Chuck71

Search Conrad's posts.... it is there. This is exactly why you give defiant people EXACTLY what they want....

This is a four foot sheet sandwich she is now having to eat. If you read between the lines, she wants 

you back but doesn't have the lady balls to say it. Are you still 110% through with her?


----------



## Tron

Thanks Chuck. I needed to reread that.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


----------



## collin8550

Thanks that is interesting and makes a lot of sense. 

She texted a couple more times today. Once was just a pic of us together last year and then another text to tell me the older kid has a tee ball game tonight if I want to come. 

All these quotes though about standing up to her: is that what I am doing by ignoring everything she says/does except what is related to the kids? Or should I be telling her to leave me alone because I will never get back together with her?

And I don't know about her being dumped. It seems that way but this is at least the 4th or 5th time she has acted this way since I left in November. Followed by a week of vicious anger and then a week of bliss where her and OM appear happy and then another week of quiet where I hear nothing from her and then it repeats. 

I'm definitely 110% finished with her though. Especialy seeing how she has gained weight and looks terrible.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Respond only once, text or email. and tell her you have NO thoughts of working things out, and to only contact you when necessary regarding your kids. Tell her to either email or text, then after this, respond to those messages ONLY regarding the kids. That way your position has been made clear, and she cannot say that she was not made aware.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

3Xnocharm said:


> Respond only once, text or email. and tell her you have NO thoughts of working things out, and to only contact you when necessary regarding your kids. Tell her to either email or text, then after this, respond to those messages ONLY regarding the kids. That way your position has been made clear, and she cannot say that she was not made aware.




Depends on whether it would impact the financial relationship in the D


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ButtPunch

TheTruthHurts said:


> Depends on whether it would impact the financial relationship in the D
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree with this. Don't do anything to make her mad. Give her a little hope even.

She will be much more agreeable that way.

Tell her you need the divorce so you can start over.


----------



## Marc878

I would send this response " " unless it's kid related.

If it's related to the kids event. Never attend with her. Just say. No, thanks.


----------



## Marc878

ButtPunch said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> 
> Depends on whether it would impact the financial relationship in the D
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with this. Don't do anything to make her mad. Give her a little hope even.
> 
> * like get her a gift? Maybe a nice girdle?*
> 
> She will be much more agreeable that way.
> 
> Tell her you need the divorce so you can start over.
Click to expand...


----------



## Nucking Futs

Or a fitness club membership.

Seriously though, no answer to anything not kid related.


----------



## bandit.45

Crickets...unless it is kid or divorce related.


----------



## bandit.45

My cousin's wife divorced him a few years back when she dumped him for another guy. He sent me a pic he took of her at one of their daughter's events a couple weeks ago, and she has gained about 100 pounds at least. She's so fat I couldn't recognize her. 

He is so glad he got rid of that pig. He is now living with a saucy, hot little Latina who is nine years younger than him and built like J-Lo. He's happy as a clam in chowder. She keeps him worn out. 

You will find such a woman. I foresee it.


----------



## Thestarsarefalling

JohnA said:


> Don't delete her rants. Six months from now she truly will not remember what she wrote or will minimize them. Read this and then re-read her rants.
> 
> Short version of DARVO*
> 
> DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused and*attacks the accuser's credibility or even if the event occurred. * **term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory."*
> 
> "By denying, attacking ' *and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).
> 
> It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)
> It wasn't harmful *Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.
> 
> Hat tip to @marduk



DARVO. Mind blown! I hate to compare an affair to a serious crime but that all sounds very familiar when I confront WH. Somehow he ends up the victim and I end up apologizing for ignoring the dishes while he has an EA. 

I have caught in a little that he tries to turn it on me.


----------



## Edmund

collin8550 said:


> But she looked terrible like she maybe gained 40 more lbs in addition to the 40 she gained since I saw her a couple weeks ago.


Pregnant?


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Thanks that is interesting and makes a lot of sense.
> 
> She texted a couple more times today. Once was just a pic of us together last year and then another text to tell me the older kid has a tee ball game tonight if I want to come.
> 
> All these quotes though about standing up to her: is that what I am doing by ignoring everything she says/does except what is related to the kids? Or should I be telling her to leave me alone because I will never get back together with her?
> 
> And I don't know about her being dumped. It seems that way but this is at least the 4th or 5th time she has acted this way since I left in November. Followed by a week of vicious anger and then a week of bliss where her and OM appear happy and then another week of quiet where I hear nothing from her and then it repeats.
> 
> I'm definitely 110% finished with her though. Especialy seeing how she has gained weight and looks terrible.


If the D is not final, here's a popism "Wiggle easy until your head is out of the lion's mouth."

Answer only if it is about the kids, which you are doing. But if she is like 98% of WWs,

she will text about the kids AND unload a seven paragraph anger dump / fishing lure.

The fishing lure is the vacation offer.... it is her way of saying "I want you back but will not admit 

to doing ANYTHING wrong. Let's forget about what's happened and do us some rugsweeping!" 

Collin.... if you are done as you say, be nice but firm. If you feel it would lead to a better 

D settlement... play into it. But stand firm the D has to be done. Your WW has never been into

this POSOM, I've said that the entire time. Appears she is realizing it more and more....

But we all must have consequences for our actions.


----------



## honcho

collin8550 said:


> WW has been being super nice the past week. Friday she took the kids to her families' to have Easter and brought them back Saturday with a greeting card and gift card "from the kids" for me.
> 
> Then yesterday when I was ready to bring the kids to her, I couldn't get in touch with her for a couple hours. Finally she answered and said she was asleep because she has been sick. Once I got to her house she tried to talk to me when I was leaving to ask if I wanted to go on vacation with her and the kids this summer. I told her no and that I was in a hurry and couldn't talk. Right after I left she texted a few times asking if we could talk and that she misses me and asking if I miss her. I just ignored it.
> 
> But she looked terrible like she maybe gained 40 more lbs in addition to the 40 she gained since I saw her a couple weeks ago.


My crazy ex easily gained over a 100 pounds after Mr. Perfect dumped her. It didn't take her much time to add the pounds on either. If she hasn't been dumped already the relationship is most likely in the tank.


----------



## GusPolinski

collin8550 said:


> Thanks that is interesting and makes a lot of sense.
> 
> She texted a couple more times today. Once was just a pic of us together last year and then another text to tell me the older kid has a tee ball game tonight if I want to come.
> 
> All these quotes though about standing up to her: is that what I am doing by ignoring everything she says/does except what is related to the kids? Or should I be telling her to leave me alone because I will never get back together with her?
> 
> And I don't know about her being dumped. It seems that way but this is at least the 4th or 5th time she has acted this way since I left in November. Followed by a week of vicious anger and then a week of bliss where her and OM appear happy and then another week of quiet where I hear nothing from her and then it repeats.
> 
> *I'm definitely 110% finished with her though.* Especialy seeing how she has gained weight and looks terrible.


Have you flat out told her this?


----------



## GusPolinski

Edmund said:


> Pregnant?


Ha!

Wouldn't that be something?!?


----------



## Chuck71

honcho said:


> My crazy ex easily gained over a 100 pounds after Mr. Perfect dumped her. It didn't take her much time to add the pounds on either. If she hasn't been dumped already the relationship is most likely in the tank.


My XW is now on POF..... for those of you who know me away from here.... you'll be getting a few

pics sent your way LOL!


----------



## collin8550

I have talked to quite a few women on POF recently. It's a good confidence booster. But it is amazing how every divorced woman on there was cheated on by her husband. I have yet to meet one yet that admits to cheating herself. Something tells me they may be lying.

I have told WW at least twice over the past few months that I am done for good. But she probably believes that since I haven't said it in a couple months but have just been ignoring instead, that there is still hope. 

And I doubt she is pregnant. OM has been fixed (it's a shame that I know that), and also the weight is distributed differently than it was when she was pregnant with both kids.

And her affair seems to have been a little different from the standard. She has dumped OM several times before the separation and fought a bunch. They fought like a married couple before Dday and after. So there is no telling what this crazy b$tch is going to do over the next year or the rest of oir lives for that matter.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> I have talked to quite a few women on POF recently. It's a good confidence booster. But it is amazing how every divorced woman on there was cheated on by her husband. I have yet to meet one yet that admits to cheating herself. Something tells me they may be lying.
> 
> Re-writing history... heard same song n dance meself
> 
> I have told WW at least twice over the past few months that I am done for good. But she probably believes that since I haven't said it in a couple months but have just been ignoring instead, that there is still hope.
> 
> And I doubt she is pregnant. OM has been fixed (it's a shame that I know that), and also the weight is distributed differently than it was when she was pregnant with both kids.
> 
> And her affair seems to have been a little different from the standard. She has dumped OM several times before the separation and fought a bunch. They fought like a married couple before Dday and after. So there is no telling what this crazy b$tch is going to do over the next year or the rest of oir lives for that matter.


WWs hear what they want to hear. If it is not what they want to hear, they will re-write it.

:rofl::rofl::rofl: So they fight a lot.... po poo-bear! 

Until she snags a guy, she will convince herself you will always want her back.

She has lied to herself enough, she believes her own lies.


----------



## honcho

Chuck71 said:


> WWs hear what they want to hear. If it is not what they want to hear, they will re-write it.
> 
> :rofl::rofl::rofl: So they fight a lot.... po poo-bear!
> 
> Until she snags a guy, she will convince herself you will always want her back.
> 
> She has lied to herself enough, she believes her own lies.


The crazy ones always believe the ex's are obsessed with them and would never not want them back. They run a storyline in their head and anything you say is meaningless as they just warp it to fit the storyline.


----------



## Chuck71

honcho said:


> The crazy ones always believe the ex's are obsessed with them and would never not want them back. They run a storyline in their head and anything you say is meaningless as they just warp it to fit the storyline.


You mean like a US Press Secretary????


----------



## michzz

When I finally divorced my ex-wife in 2012 after dealing with her crap for decades (10-year affair, denied for another 6 years, her joining a crazy cult, etc.) She apparently went all weepy and unable to do anything for weeks! According to our daughter, she was a basket case trying to say to her how much she loved me and that i was so wrong about her.

OMG. The rugsweeping and gaslighting ramped up for the end game.

I kept true to myself and moved on.

I bought a house 600 miles away from where we were and I've remarried. Most is good. However, I got an HPV-related cancer from her whoring ways infecting me.

She, of course, didn't have it progress to such a thing.

Her cheating is the gift that keeps on giving.

Regardless, I am so glad to be rid of her.

I hope you stay away from your soon to be ex-wife.


----------



## Danny4133

michzz said:


> When I finally divorced my ex-wife in 2012 after dealing with her crap for decades (10-year affair, denied for another 6 years, her joining a crazy cult, etc.) She apparently went all weepy and unable to do anything for weeks! According to our daughter, she was a basket case trying to say to her how much she loved me and that i was so wrong about her.
> 
> OMG. The rugsweeping and gaslighting ramped up for the end game.
> 
> I kept true to myself and moved on.
> 
> I bought a house 600 miles away from where we were and I've remarried. Most is good. However, I got an HPV-related cancer from her whoring ways infecting me.
> 
> She, of course, didn't have it progress to such a thing.
> 
> Her cheating is the gift that keeps on giving.
> 
> Regardless, I am so glad to be rid of her.
> 
> I hope you stay way from your soon to be ex-wife.


God bless you sir, 
You are the epitome of strength after such abuse. 
I hope your life is happy and you are good and well now.
You sure deserve peace and calmness.


----------



## Chuck71

How's bout 'n update Collin?


----------



## ejamison22

collin8550 said:


> I have talked to quite a few women on POF recently. It's a good confidence booster. But it is amazing how every divorced woman on there was cheated on by her husband. I have yet to meet one yet that admits to cheating herself. Something tells me they may be lying.
> 
> I have told WW at least twice over the past few months that I am done for good. But she probably believes that since I haven't said it in a couple months but have just been ignoring instead, that there is still hope.
> 
> And I doubt she is pregnant. OM has been fixed (it's a shame that I know that), and also the weight is distributed differently than it was when she was pregnant with both kids.
> 
> And her affair seems to have been a little different from the standard. She has dumped OM several times before the separation and fought a bunch. They fought like a married couple before Dday and after. So there is no telling what this crazy b$tch is going to do over the next year or the rest of oir lives for that matter.


Of course those *****es do admit to it...they did no wrong...everything has been justified by their idiot best friends with statements like the following; "he was such an *******, and he's a piece of ****, you didn't deserve him treating you so badly! You gave, and gave and gave and never got **** in return...poor you, poor you...blah," and if not that exact phrase, ones disgustingly close to it. My husband and I got married in Jan 2011, I was 23, him 24. In March of 2011 he got his 4th DUI, and in CA that's a felony, with minimum 12 months of jail time, and that's NOT getting pulled over my police officer for suspicion of DUI, he DID NOT get into an accident. My husband was followed by this person who called and reported a drunk driver, despite her openly admitting she never saw him take a drink of anything at any time during her following him. Her statement said his driving patterns were not consistent, and his vehicle seemed like it was having a hard time keeping control, she said the 2 lane hwy they were traveling down had cement dividers in each side of the road due to the city widening that particular area, and the road was not as smooth as it had been in recent months. She followed him to an auto zone where he successfully, and with zero problems backed into a parking spot between 2 other vehicles, both were full size pickup trucks. My husbands truck was a 94 lifted f150, I couldn't even have made that parking spot as well as he did, even the arresting officer complemented on his park job. None of that matters,what matters is he still had alcohol in his system...you don't have to be at the legal limit of .08, you can be way below that....it's at the officers discretion and whether or not he feels you are capable of operating your vehicle to your destination safely...without being a threat to public safety....there's no way an officer would let anyone continue driving the vehicle if they pulled them over for dui suspicion, they wouldn't​ be doing their job...anyways, my husband was convicted in November 2012, they took him into custody right then, chose not to sentence him until January 2013, with 12 months in county jail, since they're more than triple their capacity, he got ½ time, only have to serve 6 months in county. 4 months in to his, actually 7 month, sentence I cheated on my husband with a guy he had been friends with before I even met my husband, it was one time, not reacurring relationship, nothing of that sort, all that aside, break it to its rawest form, he "situation" lasted maybe a full 10 mins and that's due to me putting a stop to it midway, I immediately left, and went home...I was completely sober at the time....I had nothing to blame other than myself for my terrible judgement, as well as being incredibly selfish...i wasn't thinking of him, I was simply thinking of what I wanted, what I thought I needed. I was so angry with my husband for putting us in that situation, voluntarily, and not even a full 2 months after we got married. We don't have any kids, so i was alone just thinking all this negative **** all day, all night like a broken record playing a circus themed tune...just round and round, thinking "why? Why would he even take that chance after knowing what could happen to him, to us! Did he decide I'm not worth it? Did he decide he'd rather taking the Russian Roulette chance of loosing me? Does he really love me as much as he's led me to believe?" Before he went to jail I made multiple attempts to talk to him about how I felt we needed to make sure we were on the same level and that I didn't need anywhere near his full attention, but I didn't need a little, we knew he was going to go to jail, had time to prepare financially, as much as one can, had enough time to make sure him and I were seeing eye to eye. I told him i didn't want him to be sitting in jail regretting not spending time with me before going in, I didn't want him to have that on his mind while in there, because it'd make him go crazy as well as him writing letters and saying things he wouldn't normally say, over compensating for not taking it seriously before he went to jail, which in turn just annoy and irritate me and then things would snowball from there...my attempts on wanting to do the preventative maintenance on our just barely 2 year old marriage got shut down everytime I brought the subject up, so I just took it as his way of managing the insane levels of stress we were both under. I decided to stop pestering him about it it all. Tried to help him have his last few weeks out as stress-free as possible. As soon as he was in jail, everything that I said was going to happen, happened. We saved no $, none at all. The gas light was on in my car when I left the courthouse the day he was taking into custody. I had to borrow $ from his grandparent's to get home. As well as break it to his grandparent's that the took him into custody. I had never been depressed before that time. No family history of depression. I was so upset and felt abandoned, shoved aside for the couple of beers that were worth him taking a chance on being put in jail as well and him choosing to take a chance on loosing e while he was in jail. There's always that chance, even if you're in the perfect relationship, you go to jail, leave your woman alone, wit her thoughts and not once taking the initiative to stash some money aside to make sure Id be financially set while he was gone. One less thing for him to worry about, or that's how I looked at it. My husband got out may 30, 2013, be had a suspension something went on , never had any proof. He sits me down after being out of jail for roughly a week, and tells me that was my 1 chance to come clean about ANYTHING I felt i needed to admit to doing while he was gone. I lied and said there was nothing. Fast forward to January 2017, a week before our anniversary he tells me we need to have a serious talk either right then or within the next couple days. And that it was very important. I said "ok, anytime, just left me know when your comfortable having this talk" unaware of what he was about to say to me.....he said he wanted a divorce being he felt we were going to get one eventually, we needed to just get it done and out of the way ASAP to save us both time. And he was looking out for what was best for me , and he didn't want waste any of my time, like I'm some high powered CEO who literally has no time for anyone. All I have is time...I was doing the stay at home house wife thing, I was more involved with his 5 yr old daughter and got along better with HER mother than my husband did lol well fast forward to about late Feb-early March we had gotten into one of the many arguments we have had in the past couple months and he decides to tell me that he's giving me one last chance to come clean about anything that may or may not of happened when he was in jail. I decided to come clean, despite my original plans of never telling him something that I know is going to break his heart and completely rip up apart. He told me if i came clean he'd legitimately try to work it out and we could give our relationship a second shot. I took that opportunity to come clean like he requested, assuming he was going to keep up his end of the deal. Well, he tricked me. He had no intentions of working it out at that time, he just wanted to have personal justification as to why he was filing Divorce papers a week later. We still live together, we have 2 dogs that's are practically our children, 2 cats. We don't own our home, we have been Renting a house from his relative. He own our 3 vehicles. And have no debt at all. But i have no job, no vocational school training, so college degree, no money and no where else I can legitimately move to. I have never been close to my mother, who lives only 2 miles away. I refuse to become a burden to anyone in my family, and ask if I can move in with any of them without having a job, or money, as well the 2 cats I'd be bringing with me. He knows I have no where to go. We still sleep in the same ****ing bed! We just had amazing sex last night and the night before! AND yesterday was one of his days off, and he spent it with me, all day. He also spent the night prior with me...at our home!? I'm so confused because for the passed month or so he's been staying at different friends houses, then coming home to get clean clothes for work, and spending the least amount of time around me or the house as possible. I don't ask him where's he's been, or what he's doing or when he's coming home.. not a damn thing. I don't text or call him unless it was urgent, Even then I continue to quickly tell him the news and hang up. I've been noticing it's catching his attention and he wants to know what I am doing, and what is my attention focused on since it's not on him. Little does he know, I do his laundry, way more than he realizes, and clean up the yard outside. I guess my initial question is am I crazy for thinking he still loves me, and I feel like he truely wants to stay with me but feel like he has an image to uphold. Like I'm being made an example of? But not quite. I know he still loves me. We are too finely tuned to each other's wants, needs and thought process to not know exactly what the other is feeling and thinking. 

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## ejamison22

michzz said:


> When I finally divorced my ex-wife in 2012 after dealing with her crap for decades (10-year affair, denied for another 6 years, her joining a crazy cult, etc.) She apparently went all weepy and unable to do anything for weeks! According to our daughter, she was a basket case trying to say to her how much she loved me and that i was so wrong about her.
> 
> OMG. The rugsweeping and gaslighting ramped up for the end game.
> 
> I kept true to myself and moved on.
> 
> I bought a house 600 miles away from where we were and I've remarried. Most is good. However, I got an HPV-related cancer from her whoring ways infecting me.
> 
> She, of course, didn't have it progress to such a thing.
> 
> Her cheating is the gift that keeps on giving.
> 
> Regardless, I am so glad to be rid of her.
> 
> I hope you stay away from your soon to be ex-wife.


This sounds horrible...because it is lol I cheated on my husband one time when he went to jail for 7 months (CA dui)...it is the biggest mistake I know I will ever make in my entire life. I have never been disgusted with myself...ever, on top of being so ashamed of myself. I'm not one who gives 2 ****s about what other people think of me, let alone 1 ****, but I am still too terrified to tell my dad what I did. I have always been way closer to my dad than I am my mother. I'm my dad's mini me...and my mother used to constantly talk a bunch of **** about my dad the try to justify her bad mouthing her child's father in front of her child, hey again. My dad never bad mouthed my mom, ever. I don't know how he was able to control himself, but it is a trait I still admire most about him. Same goes for my stepmom. She is an amazing woman. She taught me how to be a great stepmom myself, she has taught me more motherly lesson that's my own mother. I am deathly afraid of what my dad will think of his youngest child, his little girl...who did the same thing to her husband that my dad's first wife did to him, different circumstances, but similar actions. At least I only did it one time, and it carried on for no more that 10 mins and that was after i stopped the situation, even though I started it completely sober....my dad's first wife was kind of sleeping around with a few different people and my dad came home and caught her and a guy in their marital bed...I mean going outside your marriage is bad enough, but ****ing jesus, there's just some lines you don't cross....like ****ing your piece of side ass in your marital bed WHEN your spouses is working locally and comes home every night, same time, or choosing to not wear a condom with your piece of side ass...that's worse than ****ing in your marital bed. In CA, your ex crazy could have seen him time, from what you have contacted from her...Physical Abuse, Spousal Abuse, Domestic Violence, and since it's a communicable disease, as well as a blood born pathogen (correct?) She would have been ****ed and no where near the way she likes. Hey man, I may be considered a ***** or a ****, but info have some morals...like 2 of them  

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## TheTruthHurts

@ejamison22 paste that stuff into a new thread for yourself


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## collin8550

All this week WW has been texting wanting to get back together. She said she slept in my shirt one night, said she wants to watch me be a good father to the kids, and all this other stuff. I ignored every bit. The next day she got a little more desperate and said "I can't change what I did, but I am sorry for hurting you". She also said she told OM that she wants to be with me and told him she can't talk to him anymore.
I ignored all that too.

She kept texting all day everyday and I ignored it all except for the occasional question regarding the kids schedules. Today was mothers day and I brought the kids to drop them off at her house. She asked if I would move a pile of boxes in the yard for her because she saw a snake in them. I said no and left. She immediately texted and said I was a jerk for not helping her and also for not telling her happy mother's day. But I ignored her once again. I wanted to Tell her about everything she did to me that was way worse than what i did today. 

She seemed to be happy and in a pretty good mood for having just "broke up" with OM and getting ignored by me.

As far as me though, I've been a little depressed the past few weeks. Not bad but maybe just a little like my meds aren't working as good anymore. And I haven't felt like dating anyone like I did the first few months after I filed for divorce. Not sure what has changed in me, but it's definitely not because I want her back. Maybe I just need to increase my exercise.


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## GusPolinski

What's the status on the actual divorce?


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## turnera

You handled that really well.

I would only add that if she continues texting you hour after hour, PLEASE go to the police and get a restraining order against her.


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## farsidejunky

turnera said:


> You handled that really well.
> 
> I would only add that if she continues texting you hour after hour, PLEASE go to the police and get a restraining order against her.


Agreed.

Keep at it.


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## Marc878

collin8550 said:


> All this week WW has been texting wanting to get back together. She said she slept in my shirt one night, said she wants to watch me be a good father to the kids, and all this other stuff. I ignored every bit. The next day she got a little more desperate and said "I can't change what I did, but I am sorry for hurting you". She also said she told OM that she wants to be with me and told him she can't talk to him anymore.
> I ignored all that too.
> 
> *You can be a good father regardless of her. Wonder how many times she's slept in OM's shirt?*
> 
> She kept texting all day everyday and I ignored it all except for the occasional question regarding the kids schedules. Today was mothers day and I brought the kids to drop them off at her house. She asked if I would move a pile of boxes in the yard for her because she saw a snake in them. I said no and left. She immediately texted and said I was a jerk for not helping her and also for not telling her happy mother's day. But I ignored her once again. I wanted to Tell her about everything she did to me that was way worse than what i did today.
> 
> *Not your worry, let OM do it.*
> 
> She seemed to be happy and in a pretty good mood for having just "broke up" with OM and getting ignored by me.
> 
> *Probably just more lies*
> 
> As far as me though, I've been a little depressed the past few weeks. Not bad but maybe just a little like my meds aren't working as good anymore. And I haven't felt like dating anyone like I did the first few months after I filed for divorce. Not sure what has changed in me, but it's definitely not because I want her back. Maybe I just need to increase my exercise.


Good idea, Jog or walk a few miles. You're over the worst part and have yourself in a good place. Stay there


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## straightshooter

Collin,

Textbook behavior here. Now that it is real, all of a sudden she's "breaking up" with OM. You've heard that tune before so you are doing the exact right thing.

Stay the course buddy. When they repeat after getting caught with same OM, you would have this guy over your shoulder for years or more. 

She told him to "cool it". That's all she probably did or he dumped her. Not your problem.


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## lucy999

Wow I'm so impressed by your strength. You're doing great. Steer the course.

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## Evinrude58

I say you should give her another chance. She did sleep in your shirt, after all.
I'm sure she wouldn't cheat again and she seems reallyvremorseful.

The OM likely seduced her, and you probably drove her to him by not being a good husband.

Just give her one more chance, if you want to wind up in a mental institution for the chronically stupid. I wish you could block her. She's poison.


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## collin8550

The divorce will be final around March. We have a 1 year waiting period in my state. But there is a bill in the state Senate to have it reduced to 6 months. 
She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.

But it makes me mad how she said I was being a jerk by not helping her move the boxes in the yard. I want so bad to remind her of everything she did to me. But I don't want to argue and make her think I care about her.

But as y'all mentioned, I have tried before last year when she said she wasn't going to talk to OM anymore. And after a month she was back sneaking around. They need me for their relationship to work. I'm not going thru that again.


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## Evinrude58

collin8550 said:


> The divorce will be final around March. We have a 1 year waiting period in my state. But there is a bill in the state Senate to have it reduced to 6 months.
> She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.
> 
> But it makes me mad how she said I was being a jerk by not helping her move the boxes in the yard. I want so bad to remind her of everything she did to me. But I don't want to argue and make her think I care about her.
> 
> But as y'all mentioned, I have tried before last year when she said she wasn't going to talk to OM anymore. And after a month she was back sneaking around. *They need me for their relationship to work*. I'm not going thru that again.


Very clear thinking and astute observation..... You are in a good position to have a happy life again with a non cheater. My state had a year wait. Longest, hardest, most painful year of my life--- without a doubt.


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## straightshooter

*She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.*


Salvage what marriage.??? The one where she cheats on you, you give her a chance, and then within a month she is doing it again. Guess her idea of marriage is different than yours.


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## Graywolf2

collin8550 said:


> She is acting like she is improving all the things I complained about, but she still has never mentioned ending the affair. I guess she wants me to continue being a babysitter and financial support so she can continue texting her affair partner everyday.
> 
> They need me for their relationship to work. I'm not going thru that again.


Exactly




collin8550 said:


> But it makes me mad how she said I was being a jerk by not helping her move the boxes in the yard. I want so bad to remind her of everything she did to me. But I don't want to argue and make her think I care about her.


You did exactly the right thing. Your responsibility is to the kids, not her. Moving boxes is something a husband or friend would do. If you had a friend that did something far less severe than what she did, would you keep them as a friend?

Your wife had a division or labor going on and her life was great. She had you for stability and security and the OM for fun. People talk all the time about the BS triggering. Well WS’s trigger too. You not helping with the boxes reminded her of what she gave up and how she screwed up. So she triggered and lashed out at you. That doesn’t make her opinion of you valid.


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## farsidejunky

What you are doing now is clearly impacting her more than anything you could do by engaging.

Stay the course and laugh at the madness of the hornets nest in her head.



collin8550 said:


> The divorce will be final around March. We have a 1 year waiting period in my state. But there is a bill in the state Senate to have it reduced to 6 months.
> She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.
> 
> But it makes me mad how she said I was being a jerk by not helping her move the boxes in the yard. I want so bad to remind her of everything she did to me. But I don't want to argue and make her think I care about her.
> 
> But as y'all mentioned, I have tried before last year when she said she wasn't going to talk to OM anymore. And after a month she was back sneaking around. They need me for their relationship to work. I'm not going thru that again.


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## farsidejunky

Agreed. Oh, the irony...



Evinrude58 said:


> Very clear thinking and astute observation.....


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## musicftw07

collin8550 said:


> As far as me though, I've been a little depressed the past few weeks. Not bad but maybe just a little like my meds aren't working as good anymore. And I haven't felt like dating anyone like I did the first few months after I filed for divorce. Not sure what has changed in me, but it's definitely not because I want her back. Maybe I just need to increase my exercise.


Hi collin,

I've been following your thread for a while, and I'd like to say that you're handling this really, really well. I know it's tough right now (I've been there, I have an XWW too), but I want to give you major kudos for being strong in the face of your STBXWW's hoovering.

As for what has changed in you, I think it's pretty simple: you've really begun the grieving process now. You know your marriage is dead. You know you will never get back together with her. You know your kids will have to go back and forth between you two. The reality of this has begun to sink in because you no longer have to focus on the immediate steps for divorce or for getting her away from you.

I've noticed you're no longer saying "How could this have happened?" Instead you're saying "It happened, and this is what I'm going to do about it." That is an incredible shift in thinking, it means that you've moved on from denial.

Don't take the fact that you don't feel like dating as a bad sign. I think it's a GOOD sign. Take the time to just grieve what happened. There is always plenty of time for dating down the road, and you'll be in a much better position for a relationship after you give yourself that time to properly grieve the end on your marriage.

I'm sorry you're here, but you're handling this like a boss. Keep on keepin' on. I have no doubt you'll get there.


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> All this week WW has been texting wanting to get back together. She said she slept in my shirt one night, said she wants to watch me be a good father to the kids, and all this other stuff. I ignored every bit. The next day she got a little more desperate and said "I can't change what I did, but I am sorry for hurting you". She also said she told OM that she wants to be with me and told him she can't talk to him anymore.
> I ignored all that too.
> 
> She kept texting all day everyday and I ignored it all except for the occasional question regarding the kids schedules. Today was mothers day and I brought the kids to drop them off at her house. She asked if I would move a pile of boxes in the yard for her because she saw a snake in them. I said no and left. She immediately texted and said I was a jerk for not helping her and also for not telling her happy mother's day. But I ignored her once again. I wanted to Tell her about everything she did to me that was way worse than what i did today.
> 
> She seemed to be happy and in a pretty good mood for having just "broke up" with OM and getting ignored by me.
> 
> As far as me though, I've been a little depressed the past few weeks. Not bad but maybe just a little like my meds aren't working as good anymore. And I haven't felt like dating anyone like I did the first few months after I filed for divorce. Not sure what has changed in me, but it's definitely not because I want her back. Maybe I just need to increase my exercise.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Translation: POSOM dumper her sorry arse. Looks like her affair fog is now lifting!

You are getting used to your "new normal," something you never thought you would have to do.

110% normal, I went through it myself. It will greatly help your picker. At first you just wanted 

to go out with other women just to see if you still "got it." You know you do, so now.... let's reflect

and figure out what type of woman I would like to meet. For me... I prefer intelligence.

I ain't gonna meet a scholarly woman at a bar.... but I just might a Barnes & Noble.... or Books-a-Million.

You're getting there Collin...... Eventually you will laugh at her feeble arse attempts to woo you.

Again.... be wary of the 11pm visit unannounced, in a trench coat, nothing underneath.


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## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> The divorce will be final around March. We have a 1 year waiting period in my state. But there is a bill in the state Senate to have it reduced to 6 months.
> She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.
> 
> But it makes me mad how she said I was being a jerk by not helping her move the boxes in the yard. I want so bad to remind her of everything she did to me. But I don't want to argue and make her think I care about her.
> 
> But as y'all mentioned, I have tried before last year when she said she wasn't going to talk to OM anymore. And after a month she was back sneaking around. They need me for their relationship to work. I'm not going thru that again.


Ohhh.... if she ain't got no man and your D is nearing final, be prepared. It's like writing a nasty break-up

note to your HS g/f when you saw her out with some other guy and you find out, it was her cousin who 

is visiting from far away. And you can't get to her locker to retrieve the note LOL

One year waits, as I have said many times here, is a MF'ing joke. 3-6 months with kids, one month

no kids or kids grown. But....but.... what if they decide to work it out???? Well sheet... do like my 

parents did, freaking re-marry.

Remember Collin.... you are simply enforcing your boundaries. She never saw the old Collin do this.

She is attracted to this new bad-a$$ Collin. Can ya blame her?


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## Chuck71

straightshooter said:


> *She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.*
> 
> 
> Salvage what marriage.??? The one where she cheats on you, you give her a chance, and then within a month she is doing it again. Guess her idea of marriage is different than yours.


EXACTLY!!!!! Mz Collin-I just cheated on you multiple times....
Mr. Collin-This is just a divorce


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## curious234

collin8550,
You indicate you feel happy when she plead and feel down when she does not. You need to get out of this mindset. It may be the reason you feel down and it also shows you still have some feelings towards her.


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## turnera

curious234 said:


> collin8550,
> You indicate you feel happy when she plead and feel down when she does not. You need to get out of this mindset. It may be the reason you feel down and it also shows you still have some feelings towards her.


This could also be a sign of low self esteem, so get that checked out, too.


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## Chuck71

turnera said:


> This could also be a sign of low self esteem, so get that checked out, too.


And an absolute #3 in DeMello's "Awareness" Did you ever check that book out Collin? It's on Pdf


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## bandit.45




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## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> The divorce will be final around March. We have a 1 year waiting period in my state. But there is a bill in the state Senate to have it reduced to 6 months.
> She has made comments before about "still being able to salvage the marriage before the divorce is final". So I assume she will bother me more as we get close to finalizing the divorce.
> 
> But it makes me mad how she said I was being a jerk by not helping her move the boxes in the yard. I want so bad to remind her of everything she did to me. But I don't want to argue and make her think I care about her.
> 
> But as y'all mentioned, I have tried before last year when she said she wasn't going to talk to OM anymore. And after a month she was back sneaking around. They need me for their relationship to work. I'm not going thru that again.


Don't pine after crazy. Remember you need a decent person to have a good relationship. That ain't her anymore. Your life is about to get really good if you keep looking forward not looking back. Think of Lots wife, don't let her turn you into a pillar of salt.


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## Thestarsarefalling

collin8550 said:


> I have talked to quite a few women on POF recently. It's a good confidence booster. But it is amazing how every divorced woman on there was cheated on by her husband. I have yet to meet one yet that admits to cheating herself. Something tells me they may be lying.


This is an interesting topic. I wonder what spin my H will tell to future women about me. I am too cold and boring? Doubt he will claim I cheated on him. Sure it will be believable because I have believed him for years. Doubt he will offer real details about him sneaking behind my back with OW. In the future I will be hesitant to believe a divorced man's story too. How do you know if their story is real? 

Do you think it would be bad to ask for details or proof somewhere before serious dating happened?


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## collin8550

Yeah thestarsarefalling, I had the same thoughts about asking for proof from girls about wether they cheated before or not. But we will probably be able to tell once we get that close with someone. Also, I'm just going to stay away from anyone that has a questionable past. 

Regarding the post about still having feelings for WW, I thought about that possibility. There may be some truth to that, but there is no way I'm going back.

And I do feel like my self esteem is low right now. But it gets better when I exercise and dress up nice and stuff like that. I just need to do it more often. And I'm about to check that book out as soon as I finish typing this. 

Also, WW finally stopped bothering me. I haven't heard from her at all today. It's been nearly 2 weeks of her sending hundreds of texts asking me to come home and get back together. So maybe her and OM patched things up. Which is good because it reminds me of what would happen if I believed her texts and gave in and did move back home.


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## curious234

Regarding the post about still having feelings for WW, I thought about that possibility. There may be some truth to that, but there is no way I'm going back.


Good for you considering the fact how much she took it for granted the marriage and your welfare while she was assessing the pros and cons of her affair.


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## Chuck71

Collin.... when your picker is sharp.... you just know. BSers always tell on themselves, if you listen close


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## collin8550

WW has been texting for 2 weeks trying to get me to come home. I've been ignoring it all. She said she told OM she didn't want to be with him and wanted to be with me instead. I continued to ignore and she finally slacked off the past 2 days. Last night she texted so I told her to stop texting forever unless it involves the kids. 
She wrote an angry response saying I just pretended to care for her before I filed for divorce, so I would look like the good guy (whatever that means). So I wrote back that I filed for divorce because I was tired of her lies and I'm tired of hearing her lies everyday still even though we are separated.
So she responded this morning that she hasn't lied. She said "I told OM I wanted to be with you and not him. You are my first choice but I know now you are never coming back and I'm okay with that. And since I can't have you I talked to OM. If I'm not with you im going to be with him."
So I ignored that and she sent some more texts about the kids. I answered those and she said "bye".
Is there any chance this could be the end of it and she will finally stop bothering me? Or will it be right back to her begging me to come home next time they fight or she feels like a bad mother? How long do most waywards like her keep up with bugging the BS like that?


----------



## turnera

collin8550 said:


> WW has been texting for 2 weeks trying to get me to come home. I've been ignoring it all. She said she told OM she didn't want to be with him and wanted to be with me instead.


Awww, isn't that sweet?

As if it was up to her, lol.


----------



## sokillme

collin8550 said:


> WW has been texting for 2 weeks trying to get me to come home. I've been ignoring it all. She said she told OM she didn't want to be with him and wanted to be with me instead. I continued to ignore and she finally slacked off the past 2 days. Last night she texted so I told her to stop texting forever unless it involves the kids.
> She wrote an angry response saying I just pretended to care for her before I filed for divorce, so I would look like the good guy (whatever that means). So I wrote back that I filed for divorce because I was tired of her lies and I'm tired of hearing her lies everyday still even though we are separated.
> So she responded this morning that she hasn't lied. She said "I told OM I wanted to be with you and not him. You are my first choice but I know now you are never coming back and I'm okay with that. And since I can't have you I talked to OM. If I'm not with you im going to be with him."
> So I ignored that and she sent some more texts about the kids. I answered those and she said "bye".
> Is there any chance this could be the end of it and she will finally stop bothering me? Or will it be right back to her begging me to come home next time they fight or she feels like a bad mother? How long do most waywards like her keep up with bugging the BS like that?


It's never going to end, you will just get used to the crazy. Eventually you will be able to block it when your kids are older. Your wife disordered person, see it for what it is. It's really about her it has nothing to do with you.


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> WW has been texting for 2 weeks trying to get me to come home. I've been ignoring it all. She said she told OM she didn't want to be with him and wanted to be with me instead. I continued to ignore and she finally slacked off the past 2 days. Last night she texted so I told her to stop texting forever unless it involves the kids.
> She wrote an angry response saying I just pretended to care for her before I filed for divorce, so I would look like the good guy (whatever that means). So I wrote back that I filed for divorce because I was tired of her lies and I'm tired of hearing her lies everyday still even though we are separated.
> So she responded this morning that she hasn't lied. She said "I told OM I wanted to be with you and not him. You are my first choice but I know now you are never coming back and I'm okay with that. And since I can't have you I talked to OM. If I'm not with you im going to be with him."
> So I ignored that and she sent some more texts about the kids. I answered those and she said "bye".
> Is there any chance this could be the end of it and she will finally stop bothering me? Or will it be right back to her begging me to come home next time they fight or she feels like a bad mother? How long do most waywards like her keep up with bugging the BS like that?


:bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag:

HE dumped HER and now she is in damage control. STOP engaging her, it is what she wants damnit.

A liar never tells a lie, you know that right? She is not OK with not getting you back, hence text madness.

She is an insecure and low self esteem person who is verbally putting her needs above the family

and for her to say that knowing you don't want her back, says everything about her character, or 

"lack of." Tell her to take "sloppy seconds," and if this is the norm, you will have to deal with this 

for a LOT longer than you think. Get a co-parenting app where you don't have to listen to this sheet.

She wants to tear you down to where you will, eventually, take her back. She is in this for the 

long-game, trust me. She wants that emotional connection she had with you at one time, then 

"thought" she had with POSOM, now he is out the door so she chose you. Did she "choose" you or were you

her "only" option? Have a family go-between to handle the BS texts or set up the co-parent app.

Hopefully some posters can give you links to them, I'm not a parent. She sets you up with kids needs

and turns it into an anger dump / fishing lure. It's not rocket science. 

You can tell her to F the he!! off, burn in he!!, call her the C word or the B word and she will

NOT let up. She wants her Jesus Christ, her savior, her Mr. Fixer, her Mr. Nice Guy to save her

sorry arse. So yelling we are through ain't gonna help ya much. She refuses to believe and

is re-writing history and blameshifting. Cut off her avenues of communication, you cut off the

snake's head. Or you could....... being I am a sociopath when you cut me.... send her this

"I am ecstatic in the fact you and POSOM are going to try again. I wish you nothing but the

happiness you both so richly deserve." Send that when you have the kids.... and turn your

phone off for about three days LOL

This will NOT end until you choose it to end Collin


----------



## badmemory

collin8550 said:


> And since I can't have you I talked to OM. If I'm not with you im going to be with him."


Lol.

Now that's the way to demonstrate remorse. By proclaiming you the winner of the "Plan A/Plan B" sweepstakes. She's a piece of work OP.


----------



## bandit.45

She's a child. Literally. No maturity at all. None.


----------



## turnera

ANY person who says 'if you won't have me then I'll have to go to him/her' is a big ball of mess.


----------



## bandit.45

turnera said:


> ANY person who says 'if you won't have me then I'll have to go to him/her' is a big ball of mess.


And stoopid. Ya can't fix stoopid...


----------



## Affaircare

@collin8550, 

A mature, healthy person would say "I am making the choice to love you. This isn't pressure or temptation or manipulation--I'm just stating what I have decided to do. You are completely free to choose to love back or to choose to NOT love--that's up to you. My decision is to act toward you in a kind, caring, loving way because that is who I have decided to be. You get to choose who YOU want to be." And then the mature, healthy person would have their actions match their words. In other words, whether you loved back or not, they would ACT in a way that was loving, tender, affectionate, and thoughtful. 

What she is doing is trying to manipulate you into loving her. That is NOT loving!! That is selfish!! 

So nothing has changed. She is still all about her-her-her. She has not thought of you one moment, nor treated you with any respect, consideration, dignity, devotion or generosity. 

When you see someone treating you with kindness, caring, loyalty, companionship, tenderness, affection, thoughtfulness, respect, consideration, passion, warmth, dignity, devotion, civility, and generosity ALL WITHOUT SAYING A THING or making any promises...then that is someone who is LOVING you. All this other stuff is hot air that passed over her vocal chords and contributed to global warming.


----------



## collin8550

Great responses. Thank y'all.

So do y'all think she is crazier than the typical WW or exactly the same?

We go thru this same cycle every month or 6 weeks where she texts wanting to get back together, I ignore, then she acts like it never happened and she goes on acting happy and content and eventually mean and then back to trying again. This time though, she was acting more desperate and trying to get me to come home longer than before. 

I doubt OM dumped her though. Because she has stopped talking to him before for a while and "tried to end it". And I don't see why OM would dump her when he can get sex and have freedom while WW is at work, and he doesn't have to deal with her kids.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

I think her going back to OM was something in the childish spirit of "You can't fire me, I QUIT!" And her offer was something like "Want me back? Act now! Limited time only!" 

Honestly, you were supposed to be insanely jealous once you found out that you were second choice for the second time, and this was going to pump up her ego even more. Just ignore her.


----------



## bandit.45

She's not crazy. She just can't handle the fact that you dumped her. Her fragile ego cannot withstand that. If you were to go to her today and beg her back, cry and plead to reconcile, her quest would be fulfilled, and in that same moment she would dump you for good. She doesn't want you Collin. She just wants to hear you say that you want her back and that you made a mistake. 

This isn't about love. It is about her being right. It is about her being vindicated. 

She is selfish, self righteous, hypocritical, amoral, mercenary and entitled... but crazy? No.


----------



## inging

collin8550 said:


> Great responses. Thank y'all.
> 
> So do y'all think she is crazier than the typical WW or exactly the same?
> 
> We go thru this same cycle every month or 6 weeks where she texts wanting to get back together, I ignore, then she acts like it never happened and she goes on acting happy and content and eventually mean and then back to trying again. This time though, she was acting more desperate and trying to get me to come home longer than before.
> 
> I doubt OM dumped her though. Because she has stopped talking to him before for a while and "tried to end it". And I don't see why OM would dump her when he can get sex and have freedom while WW is at work, and he doesn't have to deal with her kids.


My ExW did this for 5.5 years. Almost word for word.
The cycles will get longer and longer as she "tries to end it". Somewhere inside she knows that you were providing more than a safe harbour. You were her emotional filter and source of appropriate responses. She doesn't want you though. She wants him. This is why she is "trying" to give him up and failing

You are totally right that you are required in their relationship... Going grey rock rather than totally dark works best here.
Just be as uninteresting and boring as you can be. Reveal nothing of your feelings or life. Lie to her about your life as it improves. If she thinks you are unhappy and pining for her she will leave you alone as you are fulfilling your role
Look up spartanlifecoach on youtube. 

She was damaged and broken well before you ever met her and your life will change to something much better once you start rebuilding your life in the way you want. Take time to find your own life again.


----------



## Affaircare

collin8550 said:


> Great responses. Thank y'all.
> 
> So do y'all think she is crazier than the typical WW or exactly the same?
> 
> We go thru this same cycle every month or 6 weeks where she texts wanting to get back together, I ignore, then she acts like it never happened and she goes on acting happy and content and eventually mean and then back to trying again. This time though, she was acting more desperate and trying to get me to come home longer than before. ...


:nerd: According to statics there is no such thing as a "typical WW" because all WW's are atypical! LOL > (~she says speaking as a former WW) 
@collin8550, a very, VERY small number of WW's are good people who were stupid. I'd give an educated guess of less than 5%, because it is very rare for a person to be a good person and do such an evil thing. Yet there are a few who are good at their foundation and yet they're hit with the perfect storm, do a horrible thing, and then truly repent of it and do the work to repair what they destroyed. 

A good portion of WW's are VERY mixed up in their priorities--that is to say rather than making their marriage and their family a priority, they put the focus on their own SELF or their right to "happiness" etc. They are entitled to everything they want! Thus, if the marriage isn't "making them happy" at the moment, they dump the marriage with no looking back. Usually this type of WW would be the walkaway wife or the one who has a history of jumping from place to place, and they feel little to no remorse. In their view why should they? Their #1 priority is self- AND their happiness or not is someone else's responsibility! 

Another good portion of WW's are too proud to admit they made a mistake. You can tell that they know they DID make the wrong choice, but rather than eat some crow and recover, they go to crazy lengths in order to justify what they know is wrong. It gets more and More and MORE absurd, but they still stiffen their neck and get all stubborn and refuse to take the dent to their personal pride. You can see the train wreck coming. They can see the train wreck coming too, but they refuse to stop and so they end up the rest of their life living with a ******* in a trailer park because "he's the love of her life" or some malarkey. Okay what can you do?

The last group of WW's are like your WW. You can't explain it: they are just crazy. The more you try to understand it, the more confused you get...and that's because you can't understand mental illness. Something within is literally BROKEN (even beyond the self-centered, entitled ones) and the more you look for similarities or triggers or .... the more YOU feel crazy because you can't understand them! It's SO PERPLEXING!! But the thing with these WW's is that it's not you being unable to think--it's them. They are inconsistent. Often they act and react based on what they are feeling IN THE MOMENT, not based on intellect or on a conclusion they've reached. So you can't put them in the analysis machine and come out with something like "OH! If I do X and Y, she feels A and B ...so if I don't want her to feel A and B I should stop doing X and Y" (You know? A consistent conclusion!) Today if you do X and Y she makes love to you...and tomorrow if you do X and Y she rages and leaves you. So... WTF?

So @collin8550 she's not the most crazy WW I've ever seen, nor is she that much crazier than some I've seen. But I will say that something is not right with her. You mentioned yourself it's a cycle. Normal people with healthy mental health don't cycle, and they don't cycle that REGULARLY. You can almost put this on the calendar: "Oh next week will be crazy week." Well that's a clue right there! She's got issues and they ARE mental health issues! Now, I can't diagnose based on an anonymous forum--clearly! But I recognize mental health problems when I see--just sayin'


----------



## turnera

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think her going back to OM was something in the childish spirit of "You can't fire me, I QUIT!" And her offer was something like "Want me back? Act now! Limited time only!"
> 
> Honestly, you were supposed to be insanely jealous once you found out that you were second choice for the second time, and this was going to pump up her ego even more. Just ignore her.


I think it's the type of woman who (1) is entitled and (2) grew up thinking she's not whole unless she has a man claiming her. Neither type is good marriage material. She has a whole lot of growing up to do; don't let it happen on your watch. Plenty of better choices out there.


----------



## collin8550

Thanks everyone. 

Inging, what happened after 5.5 years to get the wayward to stop bothering you? And what do you mean the cycles will get longer and longer? Does that mean she will bother for longer to come home, or instead of bothering me for a week every month, it will stretch out to be every 2 months then every 3 months etc.?

She hasn't bothered me at all today, and we saw eachother at my son's baseball game and she pretty much left me alone. Last time she acted like this, I figured she had moved on and I would have some peace, but she eventually started bothering me again. She said the other day that she got on antidepressants, so maybe that will break the cycle.


----------



## Chuck71

bandit.45 said:


> And stoopid. Ya can't fix stoopid...


Why bring Alice Cooper into this? :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Chuck71

collin8550 said:


> Thanks everyone.
> 
> Inging, what happened after 5.5 years to get the wayward to stop bothering you? And what do you mean the cycles will get longer and longer? Does that mean she will bother for longer to come home, or instead of bothering me for a week every month, it will stretch out to be every 2 months then every 3 months etc.?
> 
> She hasn't bothered me at all today, and we saw eachother at my son's baseball game and she pretty much left me alone. Last time she acted like this, I figured she had moved on and I would have some peace, but she eventually started bothering me again. She said the other day that she got on antidepressants, so maybe that will break the cycle.


Collin..... she is FAR FAR FAR FAR from done with you. Even though her walls are closing,

she still sees you as her de facto H. I swear by this. Be glad you are on the outside looking in.

Just remember..... this is NOT the woman who loved you like no other. She is in survival mode now.

OM knows this, she ain't his first married woman tryst. The only pull she has with you are the 

kids..... and her last resort......... her vagina.


----------



## curious234

Collins, I think it is time for you to date a girl even on causal basis. To me it looks like you are spending some emotional energy on WW ambivalence. Who wants to bother about some thing that has gone beyond stale.


----------



## collin8550

I was dating a lot but now I feel like I just want to be single a while. I took the kids to the beach last weekend, and it was so nice being able to do what ever we wanted and eat wherever we wanted without having to worry about accommodating a wife or girlfriend. 

WW has been going all out the past 2 days. I think I had something like 91 texts yesterday. She's getting more desperate. She was actually begging for me to come home and saying she realizes I was right and she was wrong about the affair. She also said she will give me all her passwords and phone and all that. 

I ignored her and she ended up calling my house a couple times but I told her to stop calling and that I wasn't coming home. But that didn't stop her from texting 50 more times. 

She has slacked off today though. She sent a ton of texts about signing the kids up for swimming lessons but nothing about getting back together. But every time she goes thru one of these phases where she tries to get me to come home, she keeps saying she will stop talking to OM. She never says they ended the affair, but always that she WILL end the affair. And I notice she never says "I love you" pretty much everything except that.


----------



## Chuck71

-Look at me Collin..... look at me!!!! I'm going to try and be a good mommy now. And...and....and

if you come home, I'll be the W you thought I was.- What's funny.... even IF the OM is still around,

which I doubt (she just wants leverage), she is actually Plan B'ing him. LMFAO

She must be the type who just can't stand being alone. These never learn or grow... they just 

bounce from one person to another aimlessly. Wondering WTF they can't find anyone.

When do the text bombs usually start, when kids with you or her? Is there anything your lawyer

can do to reduce all these messages? But until she finds a new guy... this will not end.

Sad thing is.... even if she does find a chump.... when it's over or nearing over, she will start back

up with you, texting begging. She thought she knew what she wanted, got it, regrets it, and 

keeps trying to hit the "re-set" button. What many WS do not realize.... Life is not a dress rehearsal


----------



## sokillme

Affaircare said:


> :nerd: According to statics there is no such thing as a "typical WW" because all WW's are atypical! LOL > (~she says speaking as a former WW)
> 
> @collin8550, a very, VERY small number of WW's are good people who were stupid. I'd give an educated guess of less than 5%, because it is very rare for a person to be a good person and do such an evil thing. Yet there are a few who are good at their foundation and yet they're hit with the perfect storm, do a horrible thing, and then truly repent of it and do the work to repair what they destroyed.
> 
> A good portion of WW's are VERY mixed up in their priorities--that is to say rather than making their marriage and their family a priority, they put the focus on their own SELF or their right to "happiness" etc. They are entitled to everything they want! Thus, if the marriage isn't "making them happy" at the moment, they dump the marriage with no looking back. Usually this type of WW would be the walkaway wife or the one who has a history of jumping from place to place, and they feel little to no remorse. In their view why should they? Their #1 priority is self- AND their happiness or not is someone else's responsibility!
> 
> Another good portion of WW's are too proud to admit they made a mistake. You can tell that they know they DID make the wrong choice, but rather than eat some crow and recover, they go to crazy lengths in order to justify what they know is wrong. It gets more and More and MORE absurd, but they still stiffen their neck and get all stubborn and refuse to take the dent to their personal pride. You can see the train wreck coming. They can see the train wreck coming too, but they refuse to stop and so they end up the rest of their life living with a ******* in a trailer park because "he's the love of her life" or some malarkey. Okay what can you do?
> 
> The last group of WW's are like your WW. You can't explain it: they are just crazy. The more you try to understand it, the more confused you get...and that's because you can't understand mental illness. Something within is literally BROKEN (even beyond the self-centered, entitled ones) and the more you look for similarities or triggers or .... the more YOU feel crazy because you can't understand them! It's SO PERPLEXING!! But the thing with these WW's is that it's not you being unable to think--it's them. They are inconsistent. Often they act and react based on what they are feeling IN THE MOMENT, not based on intellect or on a conclusion they've reached. So you can't put them in the analysis machine and come out with something like "OH! If I do X and Y, she feels A and B ...so if I don't want her to feel A and B I should stop doing X and Y" (You know? A consistent conclusion!) Today if you do X and Y she makes love to you...and tomorrow if you do X and Y she rages and leaves you. So... WTF?
> 
> So @collin8550 she's not the most crazy WW I've ever seen, nor is she that much crazier than some I've seen. But I will say that something is not right with her. You mentioned yourself it's a cycle. Normal people with healthy mental health don't cycle, and they don't cycle that REGULARLY. You can almost put this on the calendar: "Oh next week will be crazy week." Well that's a clue right there! She's got issues and they ARE mental health issues! Now, I can't diagnose based on an anonymous forum--clearly! But I recognize mental health problems when I see--just sayin'


I would like to point out that this is a post from a WW. I believe she is in the 5% she speaks of because of how introspective this post is. I would put it more at 1% as I find very little people in general (cheating or not) are this introspective. I also believe from her story she has done a lot of work to get to this point. Forgive me if I am wrong but even you AC, who are a great example, had to do a lot of work to figure out why you did what you did. This post is a very good example of what is necessary from a WW for a successful R in my opinion. You ex isn't even close to this. 

I am mostly against R because again you almost never see this level of self-examining, but this is what it takes. 

At that point then it comes down to the BS being able to live with the new dynamic and history of the abuse they have received at the hands of someone who they will be spending the rest of their life with. That means eventually really forgiving because holding on to it continues the cancer that will destroy the relationship. Again 5% of people have it in them to do that. 

OP your ex is no where close to this. Continue to move forward. To put it in more clinical terms, your ex is coo-coo.


----------



## Affaircare

@collin8550

I'm going to quote to you from my very first post:



> There's an easy way to block her from texting you: Turn your cell phone off!!
> 
> Unless there is BLOOD or FIRE she has no need to contact you, period. The chances of BLOOD or FIRE are pretty slim, and if there is BLOOD or FIRE she should call 911 first, anyway.
> 
> TURN YOUR PHONE OFF...and go about the rest of your night in peace.


This still works. If you don't want 90 texts a day, turn your phone off!

In addition, print off all of her texts in one day--make a hard copy showing the timestamps and times. Keep those hard copies as legal evidence in a place away from your home and safe--like a locked drawer at your office. 

Then, write to her a letter demanding that she cease and desist all communication unless it is related to an emergency about the kids. Here's some sample wording:
__________________________________
_[Your name]
[Your address]

[Her name]
[Her address]

[Today’s date]
RE: Cease and desist from harassment

Dear [Her Name]:

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to [insert actions here (example: calling me in the middle of the night and hanging up, texting 90 times a day, etc)] have become unbearable. You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of the law.

I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment, and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. These remedies include but are not limited to: contacting law enforcement to obtain criminal sanctions against you, and suing you civilly for damages I have incurred as a result of your actions.

Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP [unwanted activities (example: communicating with me in any way, including but not limited to calling, emailing, texting, and instant messaging unless there is an emergency with the children. Emergency means significant illness or injury] . You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. At this time, I am not contacting the authorities or filing civil suit against you, as I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement. I am not under any circumstances, however, waiving any legal rights I have presently, or future legal remedies against you by sending you this letter. This order acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your illegal activities before I exercise my rights.

Sincerely,

[your signature]

[your printed name]​_____________________________________

You mail your letter to her via Certified, Return Receipt mail (the green postcard attached to an envelope). She either signs it and you get legal proof that she received the demand, or she refuses/evades signing for it and the postman proves that he tried three times to deliver it. Either way you get the postcard back proving in a court of law that you tried to give her one more chance to stop harassing you. 

Then if she contacts you again in any manner--email, text, IM on Facebook, or any other way--to beg you to come home, to chit chat, to vent or for any reason other than "blood or fire" then you make hard copies of that contact and you go file a Restraining Order or Protection Order. 

An RO or PO is where the COURT tells her to stop interfering in your life! You aren't the bad guy--the court is! And the court can enforce its order! If she contacts you after the court orders restraint, then all you have to do is call the cops, show them the text/email or whatever, and they will go arrest her. 

Now, I'm sure you're thinking: "But I don't want her arrested...." and I'm sure you don't! But the two of you are DIVORCING and therefore from every point of view (legal, moral, civil...) she is of no more consequence to you than the lady who checks our your groceries at the grocery store! Would you accept 90 texts a day from the bank teller lady? Or would you think she's bonkers and tell the police to keep her away from you?

See...right now she is not mentally right and she thinks she "deserves" you as a backup or she's "entitled" to string you along. You are trying to disengage from her and move on with a life that does NOT include her! So she has no right to send you any communication once you ask her to stop. You've asked her and she thinks she doesn't need to honor your request. Well...send her the demand and then a court will help YOU to demonstrate to her that it's not you being a meanie--it's your neighborhood and your state and society in general saying she can not harass another human being! SOCIETY says that she must stop harassing and if she chooses to not stop, then SOCIETY says "Well we think that means a couple days in jail to cool your jets!" SOCIETY wrote the law to protect folks who are harassed...and in this instance that means you. 

So don't be afraid of "being the bad guy." Demand that she stop, and if she doesn't, be strong and brave, and allow her to face the consequence of her decision--get an RO/PO.


----------



## Chuck71

And one time in the clink..... will teach her. She will test you if you do what AC says. She will do it

when she has the kids. -He wouldn't do that with the kids here, no Fing way- DO IT!

Just be prepared to go get the kids when the police haul her to jail. The police will make it to where

the kids don't know where mommy is going. So don't think "I don't want my kids to see their mom

took off to jail. Talk to the police first about how they handle these situations.


----------



## Affaircare

My exH cheated on me and was bi-polar, and after we had been separated a while and physically living apart, and after divorce was filed, he did stuff similar to what your stbx is doing. So I filed for a Restraining Order...and man was he pissed. 

So one day he just decided to enter my house and "MAKE ME" listen to him. I couldn't exclude him from my life! He had control of me! 

I asked him nicely to leave. I asked him LESS nicely. I told him if I have to ask again I will be dialing 911. And still he wouldn't leave. 

So I dialed 911. In my house, in front of my children. They saw their dad screaming at me, and they saw me firmly but calmly tell him to leave repeatedly. I stood up for my safety!

After he spent a weekend in jail (because the first time a judge was available for a bail hearing was Monday) he was REALLY angry and literally drove over and raged at me that I "MADE HIM" have a police record and it was all my fault for calling the police...blahblahblah. 

I didn't even speak. I dialed 911 again because ... RO remember? One more day in jail and he learned to stop trying to force me to talk to him. 

BTW...I didn't "make him" have a police record (or abuse in front of the kids). *His choices did*. He could have chosen to respect my request to leave when I asked nicely, and instead he chose to stay and continue to abuse. All I did was allow him to experience the cost of his choice, and that cost was high and not something he wanted to pay. Still, HE chose it, not me.


----------



## Marc878

Get a girl with a sexy voice to put a greeting message on your phone. Ex: "John and I are very busy right now and will have to get back with you when we come up for air."


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## happy as a clam

This thread appears to be broken. Final pages aren't showing up. And still shows Affaircare as the OP. Can this be fixed?


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## TheTruthHurts

Ha ha mine says it's on page 32 of 26 pages


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## GusPolinski

@collin8550, you should probably start another thread. This one is almost constantly jacked up.


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## TheTruthHurts

If you do then put a link to it as the last post here so people can follow


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## collin8550

I made a new post since this one keeps messing up. But I am not sure how to put a link to it here. Can someone help?


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## TBT

collin8550 said:


> I made a new post since this one keeps messing up. But I am not sure how to put a link to it here. Can someone help?


Here you go. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ing-so-i-just-filed-divorce.html#post18029578


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## 3putt

collin8550 said:


> I made a new post since this one keeps messing up. But I am not sure how to put a link to it here. Can someone help?


Go to your old thread, highlight the URL clicking on it in the address bar at the top. Then, click on that highlighted blue with your right mouse button and select copy. Then go back to your first post on this thread and at the bottom or top of your original post (wherever you choose to put it) right click and choose paste to insert it.

That's it.


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## Chuck71

sanmedes said:


> Stay Strong, keep your distance and try to get proof of her cheating for future reckoning. Simple way to do it is hack her phone. You can use hackcyberking at outlook dot com. I used him, he's trusted.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-still-cheating-so-i-just-filed-divorce.html

Was tech difficulties..... he started another thread. Above is current one.


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