# meet with a lawyer?



## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

After a useless text conversation, H told me it's over. He refuses to give this separation time, he refuses to go to anymore counseling (or even a different one)....nothing. He says he feels "free" and it's over.

A part of me is in pure denial....the other part of me knows there's no changing his mind. 

My counselor (who saw us both separately and together) said I need to get a lawyer. She doesn't trust H to do what's best for our son. I don't know if this is based on what she knows from his sessions, our sessions, what has gone on recently, or a combination....or just her experience with cases like this. I hate to take the first step, but she's right....I* have* to protect my son and make sure he is taken care of properly.

I'm so lost right now. Bank accounts, credit cards, savings, insurance, all of it....how do I even begin to split it up? How do I secure immediate rights to my part of our savings? I certainly may need it in the near future.

This is the worst.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

You know the old joke about "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is "one bite at a time."

Your H has made his decision. You must move forward with that decision being reality. Sitting and dwelling on "well, he _might_ change his mind" is detrimental to you and your son.

Follow the Counselor's advice: Go to an attorney first. Protect yourself and your son via legal documentation

After you have an attorney, move on to the next important items. Make a list if it helps. Put the items in order of importance. For example:

1. Bank
a. Get my own bank account
b. have attorney secure my portion of the savings

2. Contact credit card company and see how I deal with them

3. Insurance - contact the representative and ask them what do I have, what do I need, and what is the next step?

4. anything else that needs to be taken care of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Like Movealong said…. You start by setting up an appointment with an attorney. This will probably be a few days off.

So in the mean time you do as much as you can to protect yourself and your son.
Go to the bank and open accounts in your name only. Move at least 50% if not 75% of all money you have access to into your account. The reason I suggest that it might be right for you to move up to 75% is that you have your son to take care of. Do this same thing with any investment else you have access to. You do this NOW, like today, before he does it. 

I’m not suggesting that you steal from him, or hide anything from him. All of this will be disclosed when you do the financial part of the divorce. You do this to make sure you have access to the funds you need to take care of your son.

Make copies of every piece of financial, legal and personal paperwork that you can find. Store those copies in a place where your husband cannot get to them. (I rented a small storage room for this purpose) Even if he has left, he can most likely regally enter the home you live in. Store family photos in that safe place too until you can either get duplicates for him and/or the two of you negotiate who gets what. Remove as many valuables from the house and store them in a safe place.

Also take a video and photo inventory of your house. Get it down to the content of the drawers if there is anything of value in them. But these in your safe place or store them on two different cloud locations.

Here’s an example of why I am suggesting that you get copies of paperwork and move valuables out of the house. One of my sisters and her husband had a pretty good art collection. Her husband had moved out with his affair partner almost a year earlier. She came home from work one day to find that he had broken into the house and took everything of value, all of their financial, legal and personal papers, their family photos.. Everything that was of value that could be removed easily. It was a lot. The neighbors told her that they saw him do this. The police said that there was nothing that they could do since it was still his legal residence and he had as much right to those things as she did. He hid everything. In the divorce he simply denied that those things even existed. She had no photos of them since he took all the photos. So she lost thousands in the divorce because of this.

Ask the lawyer to put in the divorce papers that your husband is not allowed to cancel an insurance policy. 

Get the lawyer to set up interim custody, child support and spousal support (if you would be entitled to it.)


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Like Movealong said…. You start by setting up an appointment with an attorney. This will probably be a few days off.
> 
> So in the mean time you do as much as you can to protect yourself and your son.
> Go to the bank and open accounts in your name only. Move at least 50% if not 75% of all money you have access to into your account. The reason I suggest that it might be right for you to move up to 75% is that you have your son to take care of. Do this same thing with any investment else you have access to. You do this NOW, like today, before he does it.
> ...


Great advice. Sorry to hear about your friend. I hope her ex gets karma in spades and rots in h e double l!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I've left a message with a lawyer. I haven't been able to do much else because I'm not sure which steps to take first (legally) and haven't quite had the time.....this past week was the last week of school and it was really busy. 

As for the advice, thank you all. I am still working on getting my things from the house. I don't have many valuables, except for sentimental things. My son's mementos are the only things I am worried about and I know he won't touch those. My wedding ring is the only valuable thing I have and I certainly don't care about that right now.

The only insurance I need to keep an eye on is car insurance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> I've left a message with a lawyer. I haven't been able to do much else because I'm not sure which steps to take first (legally) and haven't quite had the time.....this past week was the last week of school and it was really busy.
> 
> As for the advice, thank you all. I am still working on getting my things from the house. I don't have many valuables, except for sentimental things. My son's mementos are the only things I am worried about and I know he won't touch those. My wedding ring is the only valuable thing I have and I certainly don't care about that right now.
> 
> The only insurance I need to keep an eye on is car insurance.


I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are not sure of what steps to take first legally. Could you explain.

While you might not care about your wedding ring, you might want to make sure you secure it just in case you need to sell it.

Does your husband have any life insurance on himself? If so you will want to ask the court to have it continued. It can be transferred to you so that you make the payment (to make sure it's made). That way if anything happens to him there is money to cover the child support. My divorced required that both of us carried insurance for this very reason.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are not sure of what steps to take first legally. Could you explain.
> 
> While you might not care about your wedding ring, you might want to make sure you secure it just in case you need to sell it.
> 
> Does your husband have any life insurance on himself? If so you will want to ask the court to have it continued. It can be transferred to you so that you make the payment (to make sure it's made). That way if anything happens to him there is money to cover the child support. My divorced required that both of us carried insurance for this very reason.


I guess I'm not sure how to legally split our savings....do I just withdraw half for a new savings account in my name? Take extra and put it in another account for my son? I don't want to do _anything_ wrong that he could use against me in any way. Things haven't really been "ugly" at this point, per se, but I don't want any reason for it get that way. I've already read that moving out of the residence can be bad for custody, so I'm really hoping I didn't screw up there. I don't foresee him fighting for full custody, but then again, I don't even recognize the person he's become. 

As for life insurance, I really don't think he'd mess with that. Again, I can't be sure, but I will write that down. 

My wedding ring....I'm betting he doesn't know where it is so I'm sure I'll be able to get it the next time I go to the house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just a quick question while I respond to the rest of your reply.

I thought that you moved out of the house and then your son moved in with you. Is this right?

Why did you move out of the house instead of your husband?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> I guess I'm not sure how to legally split our savings....do I just withdraw half for a new savings account in my name? Take extra and put it in another account for my son? I don't want to do _anything_ wrong that he could use against me in any way. Things haven't really been "ugly" at this point, per se, but I don't want any reason for it get that way.


You are separated and apparently your husband has told you that he does not want to be married to you any longer.

You are legally entitled to 50% of all marital assets. So there is nothing wrong with you taking 50% of savings and checking and moving it to accounts in your name only. You will not look bad in the divorce for doing this.

If you are the primary care giver of your son you will need more $$ to care for him, so in that case take out some extra. Put that extra in YOUR account, not an account for your son. IT’s for paying for his portion of the rent & utilizes, his food and all the zillion other things that he needs. You pay for those, your son does not.

The way to make sure that you do not look bad for taking your part of the cash is to have clear records that you can show the court. The bank statements and deposit slips for the accounts in your name are enough to show the court that you are not stealing money.


WantingToFly said:


> I've already read that moving out of the residence can be bad for custody, so I'm really hoping I didn't screw up there. I don't foresee him fighting for full custody, but then again, I don't even recognize the person he's become.


What hurts custody is moving out of the house and leaving your child behind with seldom having contact with them.

If you moved and your son moved with you there is no impact. 

Yep you have no idea what he will do. He’s very likely to try to hurt you in every way he can.


WantingToFly said:


> As for life insurance, I really don't think he'd mess with that. Again, I can't be sure, but I will write that down.


When people get divorced they do all kinds of out-of-character things. Did you ever believe that he would do what he’s doing now? Talk to your attorney about the life insurance. He/she will include it in the divorce. Make sure that you have photo copies or the web access to the policies and get proof that they exist.


WantingToFly said:


> My wedding ring....I'm betting he doesn't know where it is so I'm sure I'll be able to get it the next time I go to the house.


Good.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Just a quick question while I respond to the rest of your reply.
> 
> I thought that you moved out of the house and then your son moved in with you. Is this right?
> 
> Why did you move out of the house instead of your husband?


My son and I moved out together into an apartment. For many reasons, I felt like that was the best decision at the time. It was supposed to be temporary; so I figured if I was moving out, I was in control of when the separation would end. (If that makes sense.) 

On the other hand, I knew, in the long run, I couldn't afford the house (if it did end up being permanent). I can't manage the upkeep alone and I certainly can't manage the bills on my salary. There's also no way I could emotionally handle being in the "family" home.

Or, maybe I just didn't have the guts to ask him to leave. I don't know. He wasn't offering at the point that I made the decision.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What % of the time does your son live with you?

It sounds like in your case you were fine moving out because your son is with you.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

My son absolutely came with me. He is my #1 priority. While I can't deny that my H has been a good father for the past 8.5 years, I can't say that he's exactly done what is best for his son in the last 2 months or so. While I don't want to be the one to go to a lawyer first, at this point, I don't trust H to do what's right for my son. He seems to be going through a selfish mid-life crisis and I refuse to let my son suffer because of his poor choices.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What % of the time does your son live with you?
> 
> It sounds like in your case you were fine moving out because your son is with you.


Well, that's a tricky question. My son goes to school with me so I had the perfect excuse to have him Monday-Friday. Usually, H would ask to see him on the weekend. Now that school is out for the summer, my counselor suggested trading off every other week. My son would probably like more time at H's, just because his friends are in the neighborhood.....but she said if he spends too much time there, it would look bad for custody (?). Besides, I don't want him over there constantly anyway. I certainly want to spend as much time as possible with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> My son absolutely came with me. He is my #1 priority. While I can't deny that my H has been a good father for the past 8.5 years, I can't say that he's exactly done what is best for his son in the last 2 months or so. While I don't want to be the one to go to a lawyer first, at this point, I don't trust H to do what's right for my son. He seems to be going through a selfish mid-life crisis and I refuse to let my son suffer because of his poor choices.


We hear a lot that women file for divorce in most cases. I think that this is the reason. The marriage is broken and she is the primary care taker for their child(ren). So she is the one who sees a need to get child custody and child support established. 

Also keep in mind that you might be entitled to some spousal support. During the divorce process for sure. And maybe even after the divorce for some limited period of time.

Your husband is unlikely to file first because for him, he would probably prefer to not have to pay child support and spousal support. He's happy living in the house and divorce means that either he will have to buy you out or the house will have to be sold. Right now he has his freedom, the money, and the house... what a lucky guy. 

My bet is that it will not be long before someone advises him to drain all the cash into an account in his name only. That's the next progression of what he's doing.

You need to move quickly here before you lose access to all the cash and have to go to court for every penny you get. And if he blows it before the court makes a decision they might just say.. oh well he had the right to blow the money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> Well, that's a tricky question. My son goes to school with me so I had the perfect excuse to have him Monday-Friday. Usually, H would ask to see him on the weekend. Now that school is out for the summer, my counselor suggested trading off every other week. My son would probably like more time at H's, just because his friends are in the neighborhood.....but she said if he spends too much time there, it would look bad for custody (?). Besides, I don't want him over there constantly anyway. I certainly want to spend as much time as possible with him.


Are you thinking of 50/50 custody?

You have moved. Your son needs to find new friends where you live now. you can nurture this by doing things that allow him to meet new friends.

Your counselor is right. YOU moved. If your son spends most of his time in the family home then that is his primary residence. Your husband can easily argue that you left, thus he gets custody.

This is a reason to see an attorney ASAP and establish visitation / custody.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I check the bank accounts daily. I just haven't had a single chance to get to the bank in person to set up a new account in my name. But you're right, it has to be done ASAP. That is not something that I can mess around with.

Honestly, I don't think he has even thought about what his financial responsibilities will be once all of this starts....I don't think he realizes he will have to buy me out of the house...he already said he can afford to live in it. He chose this. I wanted nothing more than to have our family together. But he wants freedom. I think he's living a fantasy right now. When reality hits, I'm worried he will be even more hurtful and I did nothing to deserve any of it.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Are you thinking of 50/50 custody?
> 
> You have moved. Your son needs to find new friends where you live now. you can nurture this by doing things that allow him to meet new friends.
> 
> ...


I don't see why a judge wouldn't give shared custody? Isn't that fairly common these days? He's a good father, technically. He's just making stupid relationship decisions lately. Nothing that gets in the way of being a good father to his son though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> I don't see why a judge wouldn't give shared custody? Isn't that fairly common these days? He's a good father, technically. He's just making stupid relationship decisions lately. Nothing that gets in the way of being a good father to his son though.


There are 4 things to consider with children
legal custody
physical custody
visitation 
child support

Usually both parents share legal custody.

Often only one parent is awarded physical custody with the other having visitation rights.

And of course there is child support usually calculated with the state child support calculator.

Yes there will most likely be shared custody. But there is not just one formula for shared custody.

Since you moved out of the house, and if your son spends 50% or more with your husband in the family home your husband can argue that he should have primary custody because your son needs stability... family home, same school, same friends. So he can get primary custody which means he will make most of the decisions related to you son and your son will spend most of his time with his father.

Courts do not always give 50/50 time share as they often prefer for a child to spend most of their time in one home for stability. So if your husband can prove the above argument you might only get 30%-40% of you son's time.

It would have been best had you not moved out of the family residence. You could still move back in as it would be easy to claim that it's your legal residence. 

You need to talk to an attorney ASAP about your situation. 

NO one should move out of the family home where their child(ren) resides without first finding out how this will affect their custody. Always see an attorney before moving out and establishing up front what custody will be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> I check the bank accounts daily. I just haven't had a single chance to get to the bank in person to set up a new account in my name. But you're right, it has to be done ASAP. That is not something that I can mess around with.
> 
> Honestly, I don't think he has even thought about what his financial responsibilities will be once all of this starts....I don't think he realizes he will have to buy me out of the house...he already said he can afford to live in it. He chose this. I wanted nothing more than to have our family together. But he wants freedom. I think he's living a fantasy right now. When reality hits, I'm worried he will be even more hurtful and I did nothing to deserve any of it.


Why can't you get to a bank?

Most banks will allow you to set up new accounts online.

Use the same bank. Open up an account in your name only on that bank's web site. Then electronically transfer the $$ from the joint accounts to your accounts.

Right now set up the account an put the minimum in it (about $25 usually just to get it started).

Then see an attorney ASAP. On the day you see the attorney move the money to your account and tell the attorney to file for divorce ASAP.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

My son definitely doesn't spend 50% or more time with my husband. So far, he has been with me 80% (or maybe more). I will do whatever it takes to make sure moving out didn't screw anything up.

And you're right, I didn't think about setting up an account online. I will do that now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> My son definitely doesn't spend 50% or more time with my husband. So far, he has been with me 80% (or maybe more). I will do whatever it takes to make sure moving out didn't screw anything up.
> 
> And you're right, I didn't think about setting up an account online. I will do that now.


Keep a record of the days and times your son is with his father. A hand written, dated, record is admissible in court.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow morning. A friend of mine is watching my son for the hour.

I have bank accounts opened but I don't get paid until later this month and I have to wait until my debit card arrives in the mail. 

In other news, my rent has already gone up effective September when I renew. Just what I need!


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

The meeting with the lawyer was a bit....odd. It was more of a really deep counseling session with some legal advice mixed in. I knew that I wasn't ready to file, but I wanted to know my custodial and financial rights, of course. So we sat down and talked about what went wrong, why I was there, what I needed to do and what I needed to focus on from now on.

Basically, he said that I needed to treat H as if we are divorced, since he has said it's over. Much like the advice given here....separate accounts, split savings, make him pay for the house, bills, etc. all on his own. He suggested that I ask for money to help pay my son's bills as well. Not necessarily the whole amount that child support would end up being, but something. 

So I've done it. I haven't been paid yet for this month, but I moved savings, told him to put all the house utilities in his name, and told him that he needs to either buy me out of my half of the house or sell it. I also informed him that he needs to contribute money to his son's care.

I still need to get car insurance in my name (yippee, more money out of my disappearing budget), but I think that is the last bill right now that will need to be split up. 

The last tricky one will be health insurance. It's up for open enrollment in August. We will have to decide who pays for our son's coverage. That is the one thing I forgot to ask the lawyer about.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

WantingToFly said:


> how do I even begin to split it up? How do I secure immediate rights to my part of our savings? I certainly may need it in the near future.


Simple.

Open a new bank account in your name only *before there are any restraining orders from the court.* Move 50% of the savings to your new account. No judge will look unfavorably on removal of a FAIRLY divided 50%.

I know, because I did it.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Simple.
> 
> Open a new bank account in your name only *before there are any restraining orders from the court.* Move 50% of the savings to your new account. No judge will look unfavorably on removal of a FAIRLY divided 50%.
> 
> I know, because I did it.


I did. The bank almost blocked it since it was unusual activity but all it took was a phone call. LOL


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