# (UPDATE) Husband knows about EA, but there's more; do I tell?



## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

On Sunday I broke down and told my husband everything. I simply could not deal with the guilt any longer, and as many of you pointed out, the repairing of our marriage could not be based on lies.

How did he take it? Very well. Actually, too well. We talked for almost two hours, but he never raised his voice, he never shed a tear (although, he's normally not an emotional guy), nothing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I should be very grateful, I know, but it kind of bothered me and still does. He just seems way too laxed about everything in our marriage. Everything seems to be no big deal .... the porn (which I completely disagree with), our six-year lack of intercourse (which I have a complete problem with) and now this eight month EA/PA (met twice, but no intercourse) that I became involved in.

What is wrong with me? Should I just accept it and be grateful, or would you say that this behavior is rather odd? He now says that the only reason he's not filing for divorce is that he can't imagine his life without me. I did something terribly wrong, and I would almost feel better if he were a little tougher on me. Again, am I the one that's a little off here? What are your thoughts?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

tigger01 said:


> On Sunday I broke down and told my husband everything. I simply could not deal with the guilt any longer, and as many of you pointed out, the repairing of our marriage could not be based on lies.
> 
> How did he take it? Very well. Actually, too well. We talked for almost two hours, but he never raised his voice, he never shed a tear (although, he's normally not an emotional guy), nothing. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. I should be very grateful, I know, but it kind of bothered me and still does. He just seems way too laxed about everything in our marriage. Everything seems to be no big deal .... the porn (which I completely disagree with), our six-year lack of intercourse (which I have a complete problem with) and now this eight month EA/PA (met twice, but no intercourse) that I became involved in.
> 
> What is wrong with me? Should I just accept it and be grateful, or would you say that this behavior is rather odd? He now says that the only reason he's not filing for divorce is that he can't imagine his life without me. I did something terribly wrong, and I would almost feel better if he were a little tougher on me. Again, am I the one that's a little off here? What are your thoughts?


Maybe he already knew but was waiting for you to admit it?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

He just might be numb right now , or worse emotionally detached.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

You breaking down and spilling everything on your own, with you telling him more than he already knew, means that he has more reason to believe what you say. Thus the worst case scenario that he had pictured in his head became less likely.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He just might be numb right now , or worse emotionally detached.


:iagree:


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

It does seem odd if my wit--er Wife were to come clean now I'd be comparing her story to what I know and see how honest she was I bet instead I'll get trickle truthed when she's confronted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

OP: Sounds like you haven't fixed the underlying proble (whatever that is). Whatever made you be receptive to the EA is still present in your marriage. Now that your Hub is not bringing wrath on you it makes it more likely that you will have another EA. 

But EA's make your current situation much more messy. so avoid those. 

You guys have some work to do. Gud Luck!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Congratulations , Tigger. I know how hard it was for you, but it WILL pay dividends in the future. Your guilt will lessen, and your self-image will improve. Right now, maybe his mind is occupied by other things. I'm a Vet of two years of deployment and believe me, he already has a lot on his mind. But perhaps it's as another poster said, that he just needs time to process what you told him. It sounds like he is willing to R, so you have that to think about. Don't go second-guessing him, it will all come out in time. Best of Luck


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> He just might be numb right now , or worse emotionally detached.


I literally felt nothing when my partner told me...well, not what you would typically expect. I remember that just kept feeling like I was falling but at the same time I felt like I was an outside observer of my falling. My partner later on told me that he was shocked how "cool" I was, how I was the one consoling him. 

I kept talking to him like everything was okay. I remember being (and feeling) extremely calm, my thoughts were crystal clear...The days following that I didn't cry of feel anything, I just kept thinking about it in obsessive manner. It took me two months two shed my first tear...two years later I am still not able to deal with it.

I just recently talked to my therapist about this experience and she explained to me that this is very typical for people who experience any kind of trauma. They "dissociate" because it helps them deal with it and the behaviors your husband showed are very typical of exactly that.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

This thought jumped into my head reading your post Tigger. "Maybe he's had his own A and now you've admitted to one he feels some kind of relief"


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

First off, I really see it as a true measure of your character that you fully expected more of a harsh response from him. Some of my own advice, I admit, has been harsh, but I was hoping that this was what you were looking for, in a sense. Its refreshing to read about a good person like you.

What's next? Well, now you've put all of your own issues on the table, and you can begin to deal with a much more longstanding problem, in my opinion. I'm not so sure that you should be looking for affairs in his past. Frankly, he should come into this with the full knowledge that you are a healthy, sexual person, and he has failed you. Maybe that's part of why he responded like he did. Maybe he's also going to use your own EA as an excuse to avoid his own issues, as in the past.

Frankly, if he can't imagine life without you, then I'd see it as a perfect opportunity to tell him that he better start seeing it this way if he thinks that a sexless marriage is acceptable to you. By no stretch of the truth can one see this as acceptable within your faith, or even within the heart of almost every healthy man and woman in a marriage. I really wish you happiness and success in this regard.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> Frankly, if he can't imagine life without you, then I'd see it as a perfect opportunity to tell him that he better start seeing it this way if he thinks that a sexless marriage is acceptable to you.


:iagree:

Good for you for telling him, Tigger! See, it wasn't so hard?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Halien said:


> First off, I really see it as a true measure of your character that you fully expected more of a harsh response from him. Some of my own advice, I admit, has been harsh, but I was hoping that this was what you were looking for, in a sense. Its refreshing to read about a good person like you.
> 
> What's next? Well, now you've put all of your own issues on the table, and you can begin to deal with a much more longstanding problem, in my opinion. I'm not so sure that you should be looking for affairs in his past. Frankly, he should come into this with the full knowledge that you are a healthy, sexual person, and he has failed you. Maybe that's part of why he responded like he did. Maybe he's also going to use your own EA as an excuse to avoid his own issues, as in the past.
> 
> Frankly, if he can't imagine life without you, then I'd see it as a perfect opportunity to tell him that he better start seeing it this way if he thinks that a sexless marriage is acceptable to you. By no stretch of the truth can one see this as acceptable within your faith, or even within the heart of almost every healthy man and woman in a marriage. I really wish you happiness and success in this regard.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I happen to 100% agree with Halien here.

If you both are committed to staying married, he NEEDS to do something about meeting your NEEDS. He has no more excuses. If it's a physical problem - get him to the Dr. If its psychological, you know what needs to happen, either way, if you are owning your SH*T, he needs to own his SH*T too!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Tigger01: Just saw your thread on your lack of physical intimacy with your husband. Tacoma was correct - your husband has a porn addiction, and it will affect his ability to be intimate with you. 

He needs to go cold turkey (be careful, porn addicts have withdrawal symptoms too!) in order to regain his natural abilities. 

I would also recommend a porn/sex addiction recovery site (its helped me in the past) that is faith based. Whether he wants to or not, or will only benefit him to try this. Candeo: Overcome pornography addiction, sexual addiction and masturbation addiction

After first few free lessons, its a monthly subscription model - costs around $60/month, unless you prepay 6 months in advance, and it gets cheaper. I think there is a maintenance subscription for once you complete the program thats around $20/month.

Either way, it was really good to learn these things and apply them to my own life when I went through. While long lasting, old habits are hard to break, I can guarantee almost no man wants to choose a glossy picture over a sensual, warm woman. Those that are that addicted to it for that long have most likely given up, as they may have tried in the past to ditch it. This is where the Candeo program can help. You aren't alone. Theres a forum similar to this for people to post and share their experience with withdrawal, and you get a personal coach who will help you keep focused and positive.

There maybe other programs too, but I'm not as familiar with those. Get your husband to do something! Tell him its worth having a happy marriage for!


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