# Closing in on 10 years... dropped!



## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years in 3 weeks (may 11 anniversary). 

Our marriage hasn't been perfect, it's always felt more like a friendship than anything. None the less, I love the guy and would do anything for him.

He's recently started talking to an ex, I caught him locked in the bathroom talking to her. He comes at me how he hasn't been in love with me for the past 7 years and how he wants out. Yet he claims it isn't because of this girl. 

It's been 4 days since our confrontation, and I know he don't want to change his mind. He wants out!!! Counseling is something he don't believe in.

We have no children. The only thing we really share together is a home we purchased three years ago. 

His timing is horrible! I quit my job in February to go to school full time, and it was a mutual agreement. Why does he want to do this when I can't support myself!

I guess I am just looking for any advice on how I should handle this. He said he plans on sticking around until I complete school (over a year away). Should I draw up some legal documents stating that agreement? 

I'm unsure as to how I should feel right now, I'm really numb. I know the marriage hasn't been perfect in either of our eyes, so why does this hurt so much? 

Do I get alimony if we divorce? I'm trying to figure out how I can support myself financially. The first 4 years of marriage I supported him. How can he do this to me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to have to welcome you here. 

He is probably involved in an affair w/ the ex. What is her back story? Married? Partnered? If so, tell her SO. The sooner, the better. This is absolutely paramount. 

Him locking himself in the bathroom to talk to her--girl, you don't need to know anything else. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be holed up in a bathroom w/ a locked door. 

Start looking for a job. Now. I both work and go to school full-time. It's tough but can be done. 

10 yrs of marriage will prob qualify you for alimony. You would have to get legal advice though and find out what the laws are where you live. 

As for him, don't nag him, plead w/ him, cry for him to stay with you. NO NO NO. Don't do any of those things. Right now you need to convey the message that you're going to be ok no matter what. 

All wayards use the same "script" almost, so him saying he hasn't loved you despite being with you for the past 7-10 yrs is kabosh. It's lies. He is in the affair fog right now. Can't see or think straight. Let me guess...he said "She's just a friend?" 10 points for me! 

He may not want counselling, but get some for yourself if you need it. 

Get tested for STDs.


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## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

I know he isn't having an affair with her, she lives in Georgia (we're in Virginia). I know where he is and he works and comes home. However, right now I think it's considered emotional cheating. He did ask to go visit her though. Though she has a boyfriend and a child. I just don't get it....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emotional affair. Him wanting to see her--more evidence of that.

Tell her boyfriend. Seriously.


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## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

I dont know her boyfriend and even if I did, I think that would cause unneccessary problems right now for him and I.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

You got problems... he's checked out of your marriage. Either get him into marriage counseling at least... Listen to jellybeans. Almost all wayward spouses follow the same routine. "I love you, but not IN LOVE with you anymore". Just happened to me and I hardly saw it coming. It could be time to start collecting evidence. Cell phone records, text message records, any kind of computer records you can find and present him with the evidence. Good luck!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Sneeks said:


> I dont know her boyfriend and even if I did, I think that would cause unneccessary problems right now for him and I.


Have you decided not to work on your marriage? 

Do you want your marriage to end with him being grateful that you let him cheat? Or do you want to expose this affair, deal with the fallout, and possibly repair your marriage?

The longer you let this affair continue, the stronger their bond will become. Your H will fall deeper and deeper into the fog. At the moment he doesn't want to leave you high and dry, but the fog WILL turn you into his enemy. You will become the woman in the way of his "true love." There's no telling when he will decide to leave despite what he's saying now. 

Either fight for your marriage or prepare for it to end at any point. Do not believe a word that he says.


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## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

no I guess I don't want to fix it now, I am so numb. I can't force someone to love me, and he isn't interested in counselling. 

I think we just outgrew each other. I just don't know what to do right now.


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

I'm not a firm believer in alimony...and of course I'm a male. My thoughts are that i would have that written in the agreement, however, that he will help until schooling is completed. I am also in your shoes as my wife decided to divorce me after almost twice as long as your marriage. She also said that she supported me during the first years of our marriage when I was going to school. However, I also worked during school, in addition to racking up nearly 200,000 in loan debt from schooling. Now she wants out and wants alimony, yet I will still have 180k left in school debt. I know it works both ways. But from an outsiders standpoint, have him help with schooling...I believe it is call educational alimony. Once you graduate and find a good job/career...I wouldn't want to even see his money. Karma has a way of working these things out in the future. I would be finished with him at that point, but again, that's just me. By the way, yes, i am sure that my wife will get some sort of alimony, but the caring, compassionate part of me towards her will probably be gone at that point and I will probably do little beyond that to help out. Unfortunate situation for you and I do empathize with you. You found a great website full of caring and compassionate people that are willing to offer their insight and anectdotal advice and moral support. I hope you didn't take my comment on alimony the wrong way. Good luck to you.
thinner


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Sneeks said:


> I dont know her boyfriend and even if I did, I think that would cause unneccessary problems right now for him and I.


You don't have problems now? He's checked out of the marriage! The more you beg and pleed the more he thinks you will just be there ready to take him back after hes had his fun! I am sure their text/picture messages exchanged between them was not appropriate. 

Get on facebook. Find her and find out her her boyfriend is and tell him. It's really the only way to end the affair is exposing it. If her bf knew what she was up to and he decides to leave her..... Is she ready to loose her family for a guy that lives in a different state?

As tough as its to hear you need to be strong and show him you can and will live without him. Start doing things for you! Go to the gym! Join a club! Take a class! Show him that you don't need him.

Listen to jellybeans, shes though but she knows exactly what she is talking about.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Don't be blind! You are in my exact predicament, but I'm 5 months down the road and it isn't pretty. I'm exactly where WhereIam described. I'm the enemy now, he's left because he "needed space", and as soon as I got close to the truth he's now "done". The ex girlfriend lives 2500 miles away. He did go out there because it's his hometown and he went to visit friends. Booked the trip 5 days after our 10th anniversary. Caught them talking on the phone 3 weeks later for 2 hours in the middle of the night. 

I sit here and the only regret I have is not taking a stand sooner. Not sure what the results would have been, but my chance of breaking the fog would have been better. I still don't have concrete evidence, but the coincidences and his actions speak volumes. An emotional affair is just as powerful as a physical one. The emotions and justifications are the same. The words are the same. 

You have to decide if you want your marriage and then go from there. A lot of marriages are strengthened by this. When my H started this babble, my biggest thing was the fact that he was willing to throw away a commitment. And we have 2 kids together.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Listen to these guys sneeks, if you read the posts in this forum you'll see the same thing over and over. 

I took a guess and bluffed my wife by saying I knew she was having an EA and that if she's leaving me and throwing our family away she could do a lot better than her ex.

She never really admitted to it but the "I need space", "I haven't loved you for years" crap ended and I can tell she feels bad for acting so silly (the fog).

We still might not make it as a couple but at least we'll part as adults


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's actually really sad that we can tell 99% of the time from the very first 5 sentences what the deal is...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Sneeks said:


> no I guess I don't want to fix it now, I am so numb. I can't force someone to love me, and he isn't interested in counselling.


It's understandable that you're numb. I'm sure this was the shock of a lifetime. Let yourself feel whatever comes to you. At the same time you must prepare yourself for whatever the future holds. Since you've decided not to fix things, that would mean finding the means to support yourself. You cannot rely on this man any longer. 

No one in an affair is interesting in counseling, FWIW. You'd have to expose the affair before getting to that point. If you decide to take this route the sooner the better. You'll find a lot of support here no matter what you choose. Best of luck.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> It's actually really sad that we can tell 99% of the time from the very first 5 sentences what the deal is...


It really is. At first, I just thought that everyone assumes affair. I hesitated to post because everyone would scream affair! But I should have listened. Funny story, I was actually messaged by this lady who quite posting to the forums awhile ago and had just decided to lurk. She saw a lot of similarity in my posts to what she had gone through. I guess she doesn't like the board because when she posted her situation no one told her he could be cheating. So she was blindsided and felt like she got bad advice here. I told her my H wasn't cheating, but now I feel like a big dummy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dont' feel like a dummy, Lonley. I never ever ever ever in a million yrs though I'd find myself in my situation. When he told me he cheated, I almost thought it was a joke. When I found his online profile looking for sex, I was seriously unable to leave my office at work and could not believe what I was looking at. It was INSANE. 

The stories all go like this: "I've been married/together for X amount of yrs, lately my partner has been acting strange, irritable, angry and is telling me he/she wants a divorce/separation/is confused and does not want to go to counselling with me. I asked what is wrong but they are upset and not wanting to let me know what's up. He/she has been spending some time away from home/work/new activity and/or he/she has been talking to someone on the phone but they say he/she is just a... WAIT FOR IT... DRUMROLL.... "FRIEND."

And then we all give advice, they say "No, he/she isn't cheating, there is no affair, he/she would never do that/doesn't have time to do that" and a few weeks later...

"I can't believe he/she cheated/is cheating and is saying they won't dump the 'just a friend.' IDK what to do. I don't want to tell OM/OM'w spouse/boyf cause that isn't my place and ..."

Tables turn..........................and spin..............


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## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

He's gone... he has a block on his cell phone so I can't see anything and I looked at this girls facebook page and it indicates nothing of a boyfriend. I'm guessing it was a lie to make me feel better. 

I am currently looking at places to move, an apartment or whatnot. I don't pay for school, I am using a GI Bill, in fact they pay me a living stipend monthly. Not enough to live in northern virginia though. 

We came sorta to an agreement that I am going to move out and this week I am going to look into how I can get my name off the house since it was purchased with my VA loan. 

He agreed to take out half of his 401k savings to me, so I can get on with my life.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Ummm I don't mean to be mean or sound like a Jeanie but wait for it


Contact a lawyer before you do any of these finical transactions please. Don't just sign your name off your house because he said he will give you his 401k. Please he could be a liar. 
How do you know what the house is worth or is 401k. If he is still an active employee he can't just cash out his 401k. You would need a qdro
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> It's actually really sad that we can tell 99% of the time from the very first 5 sentences what the deal is...


No kidding. It's like a sixth sense now isn't it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Sneeks said:


> He's gone... he has a block on his cell phone so I can't see anything and I looked at this girls facebook page and it indicates nothing of a boyfriend. I'm guessing it was a lie to make me feel better.
> 
> I am currently looking at places to move, an apartment or whatnot. I don't pay for school, I am using a GI Bill, in fact they pay me a living stipend monthly. Not enough to live in northern virginia though.
> 
> ...


Don't do ANY of this. You are helping him get exactly what he wants. You would be assisting the affair if you tuck your tail between you legs and just leave.

If anyone needs to leave it's him. His plan is probably that she moves in as soon as you move you. So F up his plan and demand that seeing he's the cheater, he's the one that needs to leave.

Half of his 401k probably belongs to you anyway. He's not giving you anything that isn't already yours.

Get control of the money. Get all the credit cards under your control and all the cash you can. He has been planning to remove you from the marriage for probably months now. He's been planning to screw you over.

Expose everything you know to everyone of influence. Tell his parents. Make it as awkward as possible for him.

Just don't roll over and play dead. He really needs to leave the house. Not you.


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## Sneeks (Jan 25, 2011)

I cant afford the house myself. And I know how much he has in his 401k because I look at it. I handle all the money in this house so I know what is what. The house isn't worth much more than we paid for it 3 years ago.


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## paperclip (Feb 24, 2011)

Sneeks said:


> I cant afford the house myself. And I know how much he has in his 401k because I look at it. I handle all the money in this house so I know what is what. The house isn't worth much more than we paid for it 3 years ago.


You need to think BIG picture... What inside the house is yours? Your 1k bedroom set? The couches? TV's? Coffepot? that 200 dollar knife set? Things like a vase that have been in your family for a year. Get legal advice and fast.

You own half off the house meaning he has to BUY the other half from you. You get half of his 401k based on the years you been married via a QDRO. (qualified domestic relations order)

Most lawyers will give you a free consulting. Don't just let him push you over because you still love him.


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