# Wife doesn’t know if she wants children



## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

My wife and I have been married for about 5 years and she has never let me ejaculate inside of her. Now she says she doesn’t know if she wants children. Any time we have sex it is because I push her to do so. It has now been almost 2 months with no sex since I have tried to see how long she will let it go. I have had many conversations and tears and arguments and discussions with her about this over the last few months and nothing helps. What should we do we are in our late 20s. I love her more than anything but our love life is not healthy and I want kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife's behavior is odd at best. 

If you want a healthy sex life, she's not the person you need to be married to.

If you want children, she's not the person you need to be married to. 

Why would you put up with this? Sex is a large part of marriage.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

I appreciate your advice. I think there may be some deeper issues though. Her parents divorced when she was young and maybe that is why she is acting the way she is. I have asked her straight up if she has someone else she is giving her love to but she insists that is not the case. I ha e talked to our pastor about it and he agrees it is not healthy. She has not initiated sex in probably years. It makes me feel like a horny piece of crap for even trying to engage in sex with her. Maybe she is worried we will end up like her parents? Kids are one of the most important things in life to me but she doesn’t seem to care. She started a new job about a year ago and that and her own personal hobbies seem to be more imoportant to her. We need to see a therapist I’m sure of it but I don’t want to lose her I love her more than anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

How do you love someone who shows you no very little love? My bet is that you love who you thought she was, not the person she acutally is. Many of us do that. In our minds we create a fantasy person and then try to fit your mate into that image.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

We are in our late 20s. I have thought the same thing before I know she loves me but I don’t know that she really loves me if that makes any sense. We are financially stable have our own house and she can buy whatever she wants. Is it crazy of me to want sex every once and a while?! And have her want sex too? It’s no about getting off, if you will, it’s about intimacy.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

I have talked to our pastor about our issues and he even thinks it is unhealthy. He is willing to talk to us separately and or together but I don’t really see how that will help.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

We get along very well as far as our relationship goes. We rarely fight about things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's 100% normal for you to want sex and want it often.... like at least a few times a week.

You are a young man. That's normal for a young person. It's not good at all that your are in a situation that makes you doubt yourself sexually. It's not emotionally healthy for you. 

It's your wife who has a problem with sex. The way she is acting is not 'normal'. Her not wanting you to finish inside her is a very odd behavior. One thing you need to realize is that her attitude about sex is very abnormal.

Sometimes in a relationship, a couple starts out strong sexually but then grow apart as they neglect their relationship. From it sounds like your wife has never been all that much into sex with you. You two are mismatched sexually and that's not good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> We get along very well as far as our relationship goes. We rarely fight about things.


That's not enough in a marriage. The one thing that separates the marital relationship from all other relationships is sex. 

To give you some insight into this from a woman's perspective, I was married to a man who grew to not want sex. It made me feel a lot like you say you feel, like I was wrong for wanting sex. It hurt to be rejected, hurt a lot. Being treated like this by your spouse has a way of destroying you, little by little. I get it.

I ended up divorcing him because I was not going to spend my life dealing with that kind of rejection.

The fact that sex has never been a big part of your relationship with your wife means that it probably never will. You need to learn to accept that this is who she is and deal with the reality of it.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

Again, I appreciate your advice. I hope to hear more from others. There has to be a way for us to work past this. Thank you


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> My wife and I have been married for about 5 years and she has never let me ejaculate inside of her. Now she says she doesn’t know if she wants children. Any time we have sex it is because I push her to do so. It has now been almost 2 months with no sex since I have tried to see how long she will let it go. I have had many conversations and tears and arguments and discussions with her about this over the last few months and nothing helps. What should we do we are in our late 20s. I love her more than anything but our love life is not healthy and I want kids.


If you say that there are no major problems other than sex in your marriage, and that your wife has never initiated sex, then maybe you should consider that she might be asexual. You guys are young, and many people figure out their sexuality in their twenties. Maybe she thought first that she had low libido, but now it is becoming obvious that she does not need sex in her life. It might also have a connection to her parents' divorce. Therapy might help you guys, and especially her, to figure out what is going on, and why she doesn't want children anymore. Even if you are willing to live in a sexless marriage, if you want to have children you need to give a serious thought about staying with your wife. But first she needs a chance to figure out what's going on in her psyche and overcome it with the help of counseling/therapy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> I think there may be some deeper issues though. Her parents divorced when she was young and maybe that is why she is acting the way she is. ... Maybe she is worried we will end up like her parents?


Lots of kids come from divorced homes. That doesn't mean it is causing her issues. However, would she be willing to explore in counseling what could be causing these problems? Frankly, if she continues to show little to no interest in a sexual relationship with you, then she may end up being divorced too.



Pwilliams said:


> Kids are one of the most important things in life to me but she doesn’t seem to care.


Has she always been indifferent to the idea of having children? This is often a deal-breaker in a marriage. Why do you think she is indifferent to wanting children? Does she know how important a family is to you?


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

Sorry I don’t know how to respond to that particular thread. But before we were married we talked about wanting kids and now that has changed.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Pwilliams
There has to be a way for us to work past this. *

There doesn't have to be a way for this to work. You want it to work but your W has other ideas and I don't see either of you being happy down the road.

What I do see working is you with a woman that wants kids, would be happy with a good cream pie in her, and actually liked sex several times a week. If you think a divorce now would be bad, well it gets worse the longer the issues drag on. After an OOPS kid, it gets a lot worse. Some people in a similar situation as yours have drudge through 10, 25, 40+ years and wish they did something different before life got complicated with kids, a bigger house, and etc.

Two good people doesn't always make a good marriage. What works are similar goals and i don't see that in your marriage from what you posted.

If there was a time machine into the future where there were 2 possible outcomes (staying together or divorcing now and marrying someone more like you) I am certain one thing you would advise others in similar situations is "don't wait so long ending a non workable marriage.

Several divorced people on TAM said the biggest thing they regretted was staying in a marriage that wasn't working . Most say they wished they would have divorced sooner.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pwilliams said:


> Sorry I don’t know how to respond to that particular thread. But before we were married we talked about wanting kids and now that has changed.


Did you have a good sex life with her before marriage,is this a bait and switch?
Or is there someone else that she sees at her job or her hobbies.
You are a young guy,you can’t accept a life like this.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

We did have a good sex life before marriage but that pretty much changed immediately when we got married...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



EleGirl said:


> The way she is acting is not 'normal'. Her not wanting you to finish inside her is a very odd behavior. One thing you need to realize is that her attitude about sex is very abnormal.


I disagree. She doesn't want kids. Her husband does. Birth control has a failure rate and can also be tampered with by an unethical spouse. It sounds like she is being extra cautious and doing whatever she can to prevent a pregnancy she absolutely doesn't want.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*

This is likely a very deep-seated lack of attraction issue. 

Women that are hot for their men grab their man's @$$ as drive it deeper as they are getting ready to ejaculate so it drives it deeper to catch every last drop. 

She is rejecting you at the very DNA level. 

It is likely she did a bait and switch and married you to get out of her previous living arrangement and married you for security even though she was not really sexually attracted to you. 

If you are willing to transform yourself into someone she might be attracted to which will mean hours a day in the gym, a whole new wardrobe and styling and changing your persona and personality into a different person, then I would suggest getting the "married Man Sex Life" material by Athol Kay, as well as the book "No More Mr Nice Guy."

The problem there is there is no way to know if you will turn into a person that makes her jay-jay tingle or if you'll just turn her off even more (although she is pretty dang turned off now) 

At your age, it would be a whole lot faster, easier and a higher degree of long-term success to just amicably part ways and find someone else. 

If you want to have kids and a family and she doesn't, that is a perfectly valid reason to divorce. 

Even if you are catholic, the catholic church will recognize her resistance to having marital sex and her declaration of not wanting to bear children as grounds for annulment and recognizing a future marriage.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

I"m going to agree that my inclination is not that she doesn't like sex but that does NOT want children. At least not now. Further she may never want children. Some divorces do have that effect on children and it may have had that effect on her as a child.

If you were to discover my inclination to be correct, you would have to ask yourself if you would want someone who deos not want children to be the mother of yours?

Moderators please forgive me. If these questions are to sexual to ask then feel free to delete and I will not ask things like this in the future.
In order to try and figure out if the case is that she doesn't want children I want to ask; what kind of birth control she is using, and what kind of birth control was she using when you had a decent sex life with her? Or a better one anyway. And if you did have a decent sex life at one time did she allow you to finish inside of her? What was she using when that happened?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> Again, I appreciate your advice. I hope to hear more from others. There has to be a way for us to work past this. Thank you


You can here as much from others as you want be Elle is right. 

Your desires are normal, if she changed her mind about kids after you got married, oh well file for divorce. 

Now, if the actual reason that she does not want to have sex is some type of abuse from her childhood, that is horrible. 

Key phrase, actual reason BTW. So you could go to counseling until the cows come home, IC, MC, ST... all of it. You could waste the next 5 or 10 years in therapy and the is no guarantee that it will help anything. 

Sorry, you can try, but if something does not help pretty damn quick, then you need to file for divorce. 

The other couple of possibilities are that she is having an affair, or that she never wanted to marry you in the first place and the thought of having sex with you is repugnant to her. 

This is what you are looking at...


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> My wife and I have been married for about 5 years and she has never let me ejaculate inside of her. Now she says she doesn’t know if she wants children. Any time we have sex it is because I push her to do so. It has now been almost 2 months with no sex since I have tried to see how long she will let it go. I have had many conversations and tears and arguments and discussions with her about this over the last few months and nothing helps. What should we do we are in our late 20s. I love her more than anything but our love life is not healthy and I want kids.


Have you suggested you two use condoms to avoid semen inside her, if that is her main fear. With condoms you can have sex and still avoid having babies. 

What was the agreement about children before you two married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Rgaines said:


> Moderators please forgive me. If these questions are to sexual to ask then feel free to delete and I will not ask things like this in the future.


Your questions are ok.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



MJJEAN said:


> I disagree. She doesn't want kids. Her husband does. Birth control has a failure rate and can also be tampered with by an unethical spouse. It sounds like she is being extra cautious and doing whatever she can to prevent a pregnancy she absolutely doesn't want.


From the OP, it sounds like she allows intercourse, just not him finishing in her. She can still get pregnant from what they are doing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> Again, I appreciate your advice. I hope to hear more from others. There has to be a way for us to work past this. Thank you


The only way to get past this is to have a very frank talk with her and tell her that you are not willing to stay in a marriage in which you are made to feel bad for wanting sex and in which your wife does not want sex with you. You need to tell her that either this is fixed or you are ending the marriage. She needs to know that you are 100% serious about this.

If she agrees to work on it, find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. You both will need to the help to work through it. And she is going to have to the work to become a sexual person. It can be done if she wants to.

if she does not want to, there is no way to fix this. It's all on her.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

Replying to rgaines here she is currently on Yaz I believe she changed probably a year ago to try and get rid of some acne she had. I don’t know what she was on before that. I have never finished in her before without using a condom. I have never heard of a woman who would not let their husband do that, it really hurts me pretty deep and always has. We are pretty religious people and prior to our marriage we tried to abstain from sex so probably only had sex 10 times before being married although we did plenty of other fooling around oral etc. What really bothers me is the kid thing of course but also the fact that she doesn’t want me and I basically have to guilt her into sex, this has been probably for that last 3 years. I have also asked her straight up if she is having an affair and she says no. As far as attraction goes I don’t think I am an unattractive guy, 6’3” 230 ish certainly I dont have the body I had in college. I have asked her if that is an issue too and she says no.


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## Pwilliams (Jun 23, 2018)

Elegirl responding to your post. We have had conversations and even arguments about the lack of sex but I don’t know if I can consider divorce at this point. I love her with everything in me and I really have never considered divorce as an option but time will tell if she is willing to change. I am willing to change to make her happier too she just has never told me what I need to do to make her happier.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> Is it crazy of me to want sex every once and a while?! And have her want sex too? It’s no about getting off, if you will, it’s about intimacy.


There is nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling sex life with your spouse. Sex is about so many things, but mostly about giving yourself, surrendering yourself completely to the person you love. Out of all the billions of people in the world, our spouses chose us to share that with, what a privilege.

Re the children issue - that I'm afraid is a no win situation. There is no compromise here. One of you will have to give in. There is nothing wrong with her for not wanting to have children, just as there is nothing wrong with you for wanting them. Unfortunately the difference makes you incompatible though.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> I appreciate your advice. I think there may be some deeper issues though. Her parents divorced when she was young and maybe that is why she is acting the way she is. I have asked her straight up if she has someone else she is giving her love to but she insists that is not the case. I ha e talked to our pastor about it and he agrees it is not healthy. She has not initiated sex in probably years. It makes me feel like a horny piece of crap for even trying to engage in sex with her. Maybe she is worried we will end up like her parents? Kids are one of the most important things in life to me but she doesn’t seem to care. *She started a new job about a year ago and that and her own personal hobbies seem to be more imoportant to her.* We need to see a therapist I’m sure of it but I don’t want to lose her I love her more than anything.


You have your answer right here. 

Her job and hobbies are more important then you. Also her coworker is,more then likely, more important then you as well. 

She has made her choice and it wasn’t you. 

Time to do some reading. No More Mr Nice Guy. Then read The 180. 

Stop begging for anything. The 180 is to help you back off some. You need a little distance to get a clear perspective. 

Talk with a divorce lawyer just to see what your options are. 

Better to pull out now then to wait so long that having a family would be a problem.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> We get along very well as far as our relationship goes. We rarely fight about things.


Just like roommates.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> Again, I appreciate your advice. I hope to hear more from others. There has to be a way for us to work past this. Thank you


Not if your so-called wife doesn’t see a need or reason to change. You have to give her a reason. 

File for divorce. Her reaction will speak volumes about how she really feels about you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> Sorry I don’t know how to respond to that particular thread. But before we were married we talked about wanting kids and now that has changed.


Bait and switch. Especially since she has never allowed you to inside her. 

Or 

She is cheating on you and you have to find out if she is. She will not say she is when asked if she is or isn’t having one. She has lied about wanting kids. What else has she lied about?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> We did have a good sex life before marriage but that pretty much changed immediately when we got married...


Definitely a bait and switch. 

Or 

She has been having an affair the entire relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> I have also asked her straight up if she is having an affair and she says no. As far as attraction goes I don’t think I am an unattractive guy, 6’3” 230 ish certainly I dont have the body I had in college. I have asked her if that is an issue too and she says no.


Just a few points about the above -

- I'm not saying she is or is not seeing some else but one thing that every last cheating spouse on the face of the earth has in common is every last one of them says no when asked if they are cheating. If you have suspicions of her being with someone else, you can't just ask her; you have to looking into yourself and investigate. 

- Your objective attractiveness may not have a thing to do with her sexual attraction or lack there of to you. You could be the hottest guy on earth and still her off. And again, you can't just ask her. Actions always speak louder than words and her actions indicate that she has some kind of deep-seated sexual hang up when it comes to you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> I appreciate your advice. I think there may be some deeper issues though. Her parents divorced when she was young and maybe that is why she is acting the way she is. I have asked her straight up if she has someone else she is giving her love to but she insists that is not the case. I ha e talked to our pastor about it and he agrees it is not healthy. She has not initiated sex in probably years. It makes me feel like a horny piece of crap for even trying to engage in sex with her. Maybe she is worried we will end up like her parents? Kids are one of the most important things in life to me but she doesn’t seem to care. She started a new job about a year ago and that and her own personal hobbies seem to be more imoportant to her. We need to see a therapist I’m sure of it but I don’t want to lose her I love her more than anything.


Ugh. You sound so desperate and needy. Stop it. It's unappealing as HELL.

Stop humping her damned leg and crying about whining about how you want kids. *She's changed her mind*. Whether that's fair or not is immaterial - the fact remains that she's changed her mind. It sounds as though she knows having a kid with you is going to tether her to you for life, and sadly, she's just not willing to do that.

What does THAT tell you?

So you have a choice. Continue whining and begging her for sex like some lovesick teenage boy, and crying about how kids will 'complete' you, or find your spine and man the hell up and take control.

For starters, you can take her down from that pedestal she *doesn't deserve* to be up on. 

Weak needy men are horrifically unappealing. Knock it off.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*

Read She'sStillGotIt post about 100 times. 

You're chasing a woman who has given you every indication that she is done with you and your relationship. She won't pull the trigger. Do it for her. Leaving her is not the end of your life. It's the beginning. Trust me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



EleGirl said:


> From the OP, it sounds like she allows intercourse, just not him finishing in her. She can still get pregnant from what they are doing.


Certainly, but the odds are less especially with her being on Yaz. Yaz as primary BC and not allowing him to ejaculate inside of her as secondary "just in case" BC.




Pwilliams said:


> As far as attraction goes I don’t think I am an unattractive guy, 6’3” 230 ish certainly I dont have the body I had in college. I have asked her if that is an issue too and she says no.


What does your appearance have to do with attraction? Sexual attraction is a primal chemical thing, not visual. It's either there or not.


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## Who's_John_Galt? (Jun 24, 2018)

Pwilliams,
You need to be radically honest with yourself. It is normal for humans in love to want to have sex with each other--we're biologically wired to procreate the species. The 'Heisman' your wife is giving you in the bedroom actually isn't all that surprising. Now that she has your 'commitment,' she doesn't feel the urgent need to aggressively hold your attention by freely (and enthusiastically) offering her sex. Your predicament underscores the following truism: Women control sex; men control commitment. You've already (legally) surrendered your only leverage--commitment--assuming your motivations were to have children and build a family to pass on a legacy.

And nothing is a bigger 'vagina dryer' than a thirsty man who pedestalizes his wife (re: p-whipped) and hounds her for sex, de facto presenting himself as a 'man without options!'

Here is the honesty part. Unequivocally, you wife needs to understand the physical and emotional neglect you are enduring is unacceptable to the point of YOU leaving the relationship. Call this the 'you-do-understand-regular-sex-will-be-a-part-of-our-marriage-or-I'm-leaving?' A-bomb.

Alternatively, you could work on developing the 'appearance' of being 'less thirsty.' Nothing get's a woman's vagina juices flowing better than on some level sensing her man has 'options' that don't include being with her. I'm not advocating you getting a harem or girlfriends, but developing yourself as an improved man of value that doesn't have time for her 'I'm not just that interested in having sex right now' games. If she withholds sex and physical affection; you make yourself unavailable for emotional commitment by being busy on 'your things and hobbies.'

Good luck and be honest with yourself and not ashamed you have normal and healthy needs.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



Pwilliams said:


> Elegirl responding to your post. We have had conversations and even arguments about the lack of sex but I don’t know if I can consider divorce at this point. I love her with everything in me and I really have never considered divorce as an option but time will tell if she is willing to change. I am willing to change to make her happier too she just has never told me what I need to do to make her happier.


Listen brother, because you are not listening, or you don't want to hear the truth. So open your damn ears. 

The problem in your marriage is not you. Your wife is lying to you.

1) She is not attracted/in love with you, or 2) she has deep sexual issues that you cannot fix, or 3) she is having an affair. 

Those dear friend are your 3 options. And those are your only 3 options. Options 1 and 3 can coexist or they can be separate. 

And for God's sake do not ask her again if she I having an affair until you have proof. Hire a PI, check the phone bill, hack her computer and whatever else is in the standard evidence post on tam. 

So first you have to find out if she is having an affair. If she is not, there is therapy, maybe or there is divorce. 

So trying to figure out what is happening is what you have to focus on. 

Is this registering in your brain?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Wife doesn’t know if she wants children*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh. You sound so desperate and needy. Stop it. It's unappealing as HELL.
> 
> Stop humping her damned leg and crying about whining about how you want kids. *She's changed her mind*. Whether that's fair or not is immaterial - the fact remains that she's changed her mind. It sounds as though she knows having a kid with you is going to tether her to you for life, and sadly, she's just not willing to do that.
> 
> ...


 @She'sStillGotIt, the more you write, the more I like you...


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