# Wife's ongoing EA while still at home



## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

_I'm trying to get opinions from various forums, so I hope you guys/gals will indulge me. I'd like to especially hear from the ladies_


We are in our mid 40's with no kids.
We are Green Card holders in the US. She was posted from our native country to the US for work and I quit my job to accompany her here. No relatives here for either of us.

My wife has given up on me and our marriage. She says after years of my neglect, not enough attention and disappointment etc. she wants to move out in Spring/Summer (to get her freedom back) and then file for a divorce. As far as I can tell, she has already decided I'm no longer her husband.

I've just found out (and she confirmed) that she has been having a EA with a married man (whose marriage is also supposed to be on the rocks) for almost a year now. She said that she didn't intentionally seek an EA, but she allowed their friendship to blossom because she had already considered our marriage dead and so this was ok.(Rationalizing Hamster) She says the only reason she continued to stay with me in our house is because I have been down on my luck and unemployed. She says she wanted to stay and support me until I could support myself and regain confidence again. However, now that I know about the EA, she has said that it would be better that she move. into the spare room (we used to sleep on the same bed) Despite her EA I still love my wife and would consider reconciliation if she would top the EA. Unfortunately, she is adamant about separation/divorce and still texts the OM everyday I think. She has mentioned that when they do secretly meet up, she confides in him about our problems and he gives her a "Shoulder to cry on" and support etc. I've know that they've already kissed/hugged and my wife SAYS she is avoiding sex with the OM until our divorce goes through. Although, I suspect once she moves out it won't be long that it happens.

I have acknowledged my past errors, put into action corrective measures, but she can't get over the pain of me neglecting her all those years. Every time she thinks back, she would get angry, raise her voice and cry. I now realize that nothing I say or can do will ever convince her to stay, so I'm facing the fact that I will have to let her move out and hope the separation might do us some good.

My dilemma is that I don't know what to do now! Should I insist she leave immediately or let her to stay in the house or wait till Spring?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If they have kissed it is already a PA. She is lying to you.

Call POSOM's wife and out him to her. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Just do it.

Start a 180 and do it for yourself.

Do you want to try to R or is D your goal?

I have no real experience with R, but believe that a remorseful spouse is required for success. Doesn't look like a good option for you at the moment.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

It's easy for anyone here to offer you advice but those damn emotions fire up. It's just that some of us are a little further down the line. IMO you must do what is right for you. Think about it logically - your wife is with another man (using that word loosely) and reckons she's stalling on sex until your divorce. I call BS on that outright but what does it matter? She may as well be married to him for all the sh!t she is hanging on you. 

And further - it's all your fault. Oh the disappointment, the horror, the horror....how awful for her. Of course she could have had some class and got involved with someone after all bets were off but no she just had to have that rebound warm and cuddly shoulder to cry on sniff, sniff, sniff....and of course his marriage is on the rocks - sure! I ask you C&A, what about her past errors????!!!!. 

C&A you are being patronised on a massive scale. It's time to start calling the shots mate!


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Yeah, I guess it is technically a PA.

Unfortunately, I have no access to her cell (she is super careful) and we have separate phone accounts.

I have some 180's in progress and have noticed some behavioral changes in her, but still got a long way to go yet.

Perhaps I should be more outraged at her excuses for the A, but I'm trying not to let it eat away at me anymore than necessary, so I try not to think of it as much as possible. I may be overly optimistic, but I am hoping for an R if she stops seeing the guy and she becomes open to a R.



workindad said:


> If they have kissed it is already a PA. She is lying to you.
> 
> Call POSOM's wife and out him to her. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Just do it.
> 
> ...


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Yeah, I know it is never her fault for most things, it is always somebody's fault. Having said that, I don't think it always done on purpose. I convinced some of it is due to some deep set low self esteem/confidence issues. I remember one instance she and her dad were at an airline ticketing counter for some tickers. They were required to present a document and instead of checking on her person first, she instantly blamed her dad (who she is closest to and respects)for misplacing it. (The doc was always in her bag)

I may come across as being still being in denial, but her body language and actions tells me that she actually believes she is mostly blameless for the failure of our marriage. It seems like at times she does feel some guilt for allowing the friendship with the OM to progress beyond something just casual, but she sees more potential in the OM than in I. After all, he probably has pushed all the right buttons so far and she still has the fog around her.

Since she can't/won't accept any responsibility, I will just have to do 180's and work on me. She moved into the spare room today and I didn't sulk, didn't look depressed, spoke normally and even helped move her stuff in! I'm gonna take a month long vacation back in my home country next month by myself and leave her to enjoy the winter. I will eat all the food she dearly misses, I will renew old friendships and may even taker her in-laws for dinner, who although know about our troubles are, as far as I know, are clueless about her A. I'm pretty much sure she will warn me not to say anything about it to them. 



Horizon said:


> It's easy for anyone here to offer you advice but those damn emotions fire up. It's just that some of us are a little further down the line. IMO you must do what is right for you. Think about it logically - your wife is with another man (using that word loosely) and reckons she's stalling on sex until your divorce. I call BS on that outright but what does it matter? She may as well be married to him for all the sh!t she is hanging on you.
> 
> And further - it's all your fault. Oh the disappointment, the horror, the horror....how awful for her. Of course she could have had some class and got involved with someone after all bets were off but no she just had to have that rebound warm and cuddly shoulder to cry on sniff, sniff, sniff....and of course his marriage is on the rocks - sure! I ask you C&A, what about her past errors????!!!!.
> 
> C&A you are being patronised on a massive scale. It's time to start calling the shots mate!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

workindad said:


> I have no real experience with R, but believe that a* remorseful spouse is required for success.* Doesn't look like a good option for you at the moment.


A "remorseful spouse" means one that actually wants to be with you. If you're reading this girl correctly, as close as she wan't to be to you is about a million miles. You're history my man.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You cant make her love you,


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Feel sorry for you C&A - it stings. That said don't worry about the reason why. Just deal with what's right in front of you. You call the shots now and don't take any self centred BS.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Man, aren't you in denail.

This is not technically a PA.

It is likely they are already having sex.

Call his wife and tell her first.

Who is this guy ? Do you know him ? 

Why are you unemployed ? Is it a medical condition ? How likely is it that you can get a job again.

Your wife has no dignity. if this is all your fault, atleast she would have found a single guy to go out with. now she is having an ffair with a married guy destroying his family and hurting a person she does not know of. She would never imagine that you would have the balls to tell his wife. 

Go ahead and give her a nice surprise. It is not even vindictive. It is just basic decency. Expose her and watch this guy drop her like a hot potato


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Also, tell her parents about the affair. Who gives f*ck if she wil warn you not to tell or get offended. her feelings are none of your concern


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I'm pretty much sure she will warn me not to say anything about it to them."

Forget that.

She will indeed insist you keep the details of your M under wraps.

But that's because she knows the shame of what she is doing being exposed.

This is why your only play right now to try to snap her back to reality is full exposure of the A to both of your families, all of your friends, and (most especially) to the OMW.

Blow up her Fantasy Land.

And also, when she tells you not to say anything about your M, tell her she is the biggest hypocrite in the world.

After all, she has admitted she has been sharing details of your M with this POS for over a year.

So where was her dedication to keeping your business private?

She will just be trying to avoid being publicly outed as a cheater.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husband neglect me for years because he was having affairs.

Get your sh!t together, grant her a divorce, and move on.

Even if your wife loses her AP, it sounds like she checked-out long ago.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Don't think I could stop her even if I didn't go away. This vacay is for me!



JustPuzzled said:


> OK. You have now given her license to shag OM at will while you are away. Will you heed her warning?
> 
> No kids? Move along, man. You have been replaced.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't know who he is or anything about him and of course, she won't say where she met him either. W and OM text so I guess they only have each others cell. I'd consider calling his wife, but I don't know how I would be able to get her contact.

I have a medical condition now, but should be able to get a job if I'm not fussy. Jobs in my area of expertise aren't very common where I live.



warlock07 said:


> Man, aren't you in denial.
> 
> This is not technically a PA.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She doesn't want to be married to you. What else is there?
I suppose if you really want her back you could work on improving yourself, go to the gym and more importantly get a job. Women in general are not attracted to men they have to financially support, and if said man is otherwise neglecting them it's over.
Best for you to move on and use these improvements on a new woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Rugsweeping is the worst course of action.

She does not respect you. Man up, have her tell you who the OM is and then tell his wife. You are married to her.

Do the 180 and expose. Affairs like the dark. Shine the light.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to work hard on finding out who the OM is asap - VARs, key loggers, tracing his mobile number or even PI - you need to find out his and his wife's details and expose immediately (regardless of whether you R or D).

Next the 180 is for you to recharge and repair yourself so you should do it. Make it clear to her that you will not tolerate being in a marriage where she is cheating and as such will only deal with her on matters where you have to.

You need to secure your finances and file for D. Get a job asap if you can and start preparing to let her go - you need to be able to let her go in order to win her back (if you want to).

She cannot even begin to see the truth while in an affair with this scumbag so counselling will not help until he is well and truly out of the picture.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I don't know who he is or anything about him and of course, she won't say where she met him either. W and OM text so I guess they only have each others cell. I'd consider calling his wife, but I don't know how I would be able to get her contact.


Find everything you can about this guy first. Get his number. There are services that can help you find a person based on his cell number. 

Who he is pretty important, whether you separate or reconcile.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Yeah, I guess it is technically a PA.
> 
> Unfortunately, I have no access to her cell (she is super careful) and we have separate phone accounts.
> 
> ...


Nothing you have said even remotely suggests that she will stop seeing the guy. If you really want a glimmer of hope for R you have to bust up the affair. That's why you need to find out about this guy. The story about his marriage being on the rocks is very likely bu!!sh!t--his W needs to know what's going on.

Do you acknowledge her accusation of neglect in your marriage, BTW?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If your not from this country, then if she wants a divorce she's going to have to go back to your home country and file.

What are the laws on divorce where you come from. If your not working then you might get alimony from her. Not to mention a 50/50 split. 

I would go back to your country and file and have her served. Then find out who this bums is and let his family know along with hers. She wants to play with fire, then she has to be prepared to be burned. No one to blame but herself.

In a situation like this, you can't play fair because the deck is already stacked against you so don't be afraid to let her have it. She doesn't seem to have a problem doing it to you.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

The problem is that I'm what you call a "nice guy" and I did the typical guy thing of clamming up when she nagged, didn't read enough into her body language etc. However, I did don't drink, gamble, womanize etc.



Philat said:


> Nothing you have said even remotely suggests that she will stop seeing the guy. If you really want a glimmer of hope for R you have to bust up the affair. That's why you need to find out about this guy. The story about his marriage being on the rocks is very likely bu!!sh!t--his W needs to know what's going on.
> 
> Do you acknowledge her accusation of neglect in your marriage, BTW?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I just looked this up it seems that you can file and be granted a D in this country even if you were M elsewhere.



6301 said:


> If your not from this country, then if she wants a divorce she's going to have to go back to your home country and file.
> 
> What are the laws on divorce where you come from. If your not working then you might get alimony from her. Not to mention a 50/50 split.
> 
> ...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Also, why are you not working ?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Man, you've gotta expose this thing quick. Tell her family and friends for starters, let them know what she's done and how she's done it. Then find out who the OM is and reveal it to his family and maybe employer as well as that (I'm betting) is the most likely way that he met your wife.

Sneak a look at her cell phone when she is sleeping or maybe in the bathroom to get a hold of his phone number, maybe his name. Since you aren't working, maybe you could follow her to see where she goes sometimes as she is surely meeting him pretty regularly at this point. Give it a few days and you should be able to figure this out.

Next, file for divorce, it's the only way to gain her respect at this point. It'll take many months to go through anyway, so if she were to change her mind, you'll have plenty of time to change course.

Lastly, start working on yourself. Eat better, work out, clean yourself up, and if you CAN have a job and are ABLE to work, then why aren't you? I don't think there is anything a woman respects less than a lazy man. You mentioned the medical issue but also said that you could still work if you wanted to. So go get a job pronto. If she see's you standing up for yourself, working hard, supporting yourself and standing up to her BS, you'll be attractive to her and any other woman around you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I've just found out (and she confirmed) that she has been having a EA with a married man (whose marriage is also supposed to be on the rocks) for almost a year now. She said that she didn't intentionally seek an EA, but she allowed their friendship to blossom because she had already considered our marriage dead and so this was ok.


Not that it should matter, but EA my ass. Nobody decides to dump a marriage without first testing the goods. I promise you, it has been a PA, no matter what form that may take. They have had physical contact for her to want to dump her family.




> However, now that I know about the EA, she has said that it would be better that she move into the spare room


Tell her to move out and go live with the OM.




> Despite her EA I still love my wife and would consider reconciliation if she would top the EA.



This is the problem. She disrespected you and wants out of the marriage because of the OM. You think if she stops the EA she stops wanting the other man? Sorry, aint gonna happen.

I feel for you. I've been where you were, and I hate to say it, but the in love up to your eyeballs, lapdog attitude is what is going to get you hurt time and time again. You need to stand up for yourself.




> I've know that they've already kissed/hugged and my wife SAYS she is avoiding sex with the OM until our divorce goes through. Although, I suspect once she moves out it won't be long that it happens.


There you go, it was a physical affair. Don't have to have sex for it to be a PA.

But she is lying her cheating ass off. She has had sex with him, you better believe that.




> I have acknowledged my past errors, put into action corrective measures, but she can't get over the pain of me neglecting her all those years. Every time she thinks back, she would get angry, raise her voice and cry. I now realize that nothing I say or can do will ever convince her to stay, so I'm facing the fact that I will have to let her move out and hope the separation might do us some good.


Two people are responsible for the health of the marriage. I admire you for admitting your part in that.

But that is NO excuse for her behavior. Getting away from her WILL do you some good. Let her go. You will find a better woman and you can learn from your past mistakes. 

Give love and attention to someone who deserves it and let her go where she thinks the grass is greener. Two cheaters getting together? Ya, that will be a life of roses and red carpets.




> My dilemma is that I don't know what to do now! Should I insist she leave immediately or let her to stay in the house or wait till Spring?


You insist on her leaving immediately. You shouldn't have to put up with her being around and going only when its convenient for her and OM. She can get an apartment until the OM is done with his wife.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> The problem is that I'm what you call a "nice guy" and I did the typical guy thing of clamming up when she nagged, didn't read enough into her body language etc. However, I did don't drink, gamble, womanize etc.


See, this is the problem with her excuses. She puts this on you, but does not acknowledge why you neglected her. I neglected a gf once because she was a huge nag. Who wants to shower affection on someone that is always jumping down your throat.

Its the chicken and the egg thing. Which came first? She will put this all on you probably not realizing that she also had a role in the decline of the marriage other than her being a POS cheater.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP-

I know it's tough to face the truth.

However, her being super careful with her cell phone... what does that tell you. It tells me there are things on her cell phone that she doesn't want you to see. That way she can keep lying to you. You need to show her as much consideration for her feelings as she is showing you.

You will not nice her out of the affair.

Contact POSOM's wife, she deserves to know and may be a valuable asset to you. Be warned, POSOM may very well through your wife under the bus when exposed. She will be upset at you ruining her special relationship, so what! 

Good luck, and get a job. Be able to support yourself. 

Secrets are a cancer in a marriage- (being super careful with her cell phone) - that qualifies.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Okay, I found out who the SOB is and I now how he met my W. 

I'm still weighing the merits of calling him directly and giving him a piece of my mind or try to 'out' him by sending his family (wife & son) a letter saying what I need to say and photo evidence of what he has done. I've been favoring the latter because that will bust his little secret, put some scrutinizing eyes on him and make it harder to meet my W. It may not end the A right away, but why should they have it easy, right? 

If he still doesn't end the A, should I start posting reviews on Yelp, Angies list etc. telling on what he did? His business let him come into contact with many housewives when their H are not around, so these reviews may actually have some impact. What say you guys?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Id start the process of getting ready to go home (to where previously lived) and where I hope you have some family that can support you.

Your not getting her back like this because you are reliant on her as the bread winner - she knows that and is using it as the leaver on you.

Contacting the OM wife is ok, that way your sure your not being lied to about his marridge breaking up, if it isnt , it will start when his W finds out.

Dont tell your W anything about anything. Plan a return and get cash aside to get home. Make sure anyone you have in support there knows they know nothing and say less.

If your W has decided it over she also decided that your expendable as soon as this guy says go (if at all). She is controlling the wole situation and your riding the effect. Take some control.

You may feel that you can love and reconcile - but you can ONLY do that if she wants that to happen or until the next time.

Think through the options and keep your own concil.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You don't call him you contact his wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I agree with the others. Expose to his wife first - don't let anyone know you are going to do this and make sure you get to her and he does not intercept your communication. Give her all the proof!

Next blow up his world - warn as many potential BH's as possible and ruin his business if you can. Also expose to friends and family - make it really tough on this A.

Finally, why are you not working/supporting yourself? You need to address this for many reasons.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Don't even talk to OM. Get hold of his wife. Tell her the whole score. Calling on the phone, email with your contact information, or a certified letter. Have your proof ready, what you say must be verifiable.

Exposure is a short sharp shock to wake the Cheaters up. Don't warn anyone!

***giving the POSOM a piece of your mind is a worthless exercise. He doesn't care what you think, or he wouldn't be facking your wife!***


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"If he still doesn't end the A, should I start posting reviews on Yelp, Angies list etc. telling on what he did? His business let him come into contact with many housewives when their H are not around, so these reviews may actually have some impact. What say you guys?"

Absolutely yes.

First, expose this POS to his BW, then post on any and all review sites that he is a predator scumbag who tries to seduce the wives of the families he is doing work for.

When he sees his life falling to pieces, he will end the A and throw your WW under the bus as fast as he can in order to save himself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She's lying, this is a sexual affair.

Gather any evidence you can about the OM and his interaction with your wife.
Find the OM's wife and give her this evidence along with any knowledge you have.

Blow this **** up.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I think the OM's marriage is also on the rocks and I hope his W will give a schit if I present her with the evidence.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Give her the evidence.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Forget about the OM.

Don't write a letter. Call and tell her you have evidence of the affair, she may already know or not. My guess is she doesn't know the truth if they are still living together.

Don't try to slander him and his business just yet. Your number one goal is to blow up the fantasy of their secret fantasy life together. He won't be there to offer a shoulder to cry on when his wife is throwing all his stuff out onto the front lawn.

Contact her asap with your evidence. LISTEN to the others here


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I think the OM's marriage is also on the rocks and I hope his W will give a schit if I present her with the evidence.


LOL. Your wife said because he said and you assumed his marriage is on the rocks right?

You may be right, but I'd operate under the assumption that she is in the dark. You know, like you were. It is funny, also sad, how many married men will drop their affair partners when the wife says HALF or leave that tramp alone.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

And if R is your goal?, don't leave town...

If you think this is the time to go on vacation, you are wrong, you might as well rent the hotel and order the champagne!

Tell the OM wife now.

Then sit back and watch the show begin. You will find out all you need to know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please listen to the others and contact the OMW and expose.

This 'marriage on the rocks' thing may be news to her. The one certainty about cheaters is that they lie.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Yeah, this leaving town thing was planned earlier before I know what I know now.

I know this guy and have spoken to him before he and my W hooked up and one of his stories about being arrested by the cops for disorderly conduct checks out. Although he didn't say his marriage was 'on the rocks' directly, he did hint that the M wasn't rosy.

I guess I should get this done sooner rather than later.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Yeah, this leaving town thing was planned earlier before I know what I know now.
> 
> I know this guy and have spoken to him before he and my W hooked up and one of his stories about being arrested by the cops for disorderly conduct checks out. Although he didn't say his marriage was 'on the rocks' directly, he did hint that the M wasn't rosy.
> 
> I guess I should get this done sooner rather than later.


"one of his stories?" are you talking to him?

talk to his wife.

she deserves to know, wouldn't you want to know?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Confused, its time to get your head out of the sand and think logically.

Your W clains shes in a EA with another married man . The infor you provide leads many her to assume its past the EA and now in the realms of PA.

She is continually interacting with him under you very nose. Despite the fact that you love the ground she walks on she is disrespecting you to the highest degree. I doubt she'd treat a dog worse.

If you want to R then SHE has to give up the other guy. YOU DO NOT talk to him ever!!

He is 50% of the reason your in trougble up to your neck.
You cannot reason with people whose actions are driven by their genitals. 

Get all your evidence, copy it and store the copy safe out of your Ws way and get this data to the other guys wife PDQ!

Its her job to put pressure on the other guy and start breaking uop this relationship.
That will take 50% of the stress and strain off you straight away.

If the wife isnt aware then youve done her a favour. This H may be a serial player but she still deserves to know and my guess is that his marridge isnt as bad as he makes out or the wife doesnt realise its as bad as he makes out (it could be the, "My Wife Doesnt Understand Me") routine and your W fell for it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I've just found out (and she confirmed) that she has been having a EA with a married man


Tell his wife (without letting OM or your wife know beforehand). 
Read my stickies in the signature below.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Been speaking to a close friend(woman) and dad. They've advised me not to approach the OM's wife at all. 

My lady friend says: 
1) That there us a possibility that the OM's wife may not care about his A, just as long he comes at night; doesn't bring my W to their house; pays the bills; gives her money etc. 
2) If I ever want to keep my W as a friend (I'd prefer a friend to an enemy) in the future, outing her and the OM to his wife will certainly jeopardize that.
3) Even if their A gets broken up, what benefit aside from some short-term selfish satisfaction do I get. Will my W suddenly come to her 'senses'? Probably not...

I'm trying to be rational and my friend has made some valid points on why I shouldn't confront. Basically, what I think she is saying is that my M is done and this 'Outing' isn't going to do any good at all, but only serve to make you an enemy of your wife.

So now I'm at a crossroads again.... Damn!


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

On another note. IF I do decide to inform the OM's wife, should I meet her in person with the evidence or send her a letter and 'info' packet where I know it wouldn't get intercepted?

Meeting her in person would allow me to answer and ask questions, but since we don't know each other, I might place her in an awkward spot having to listen to all this from a stranger.

Sending her a letter/info will allow her to take it in at her own pace and perhaps lessen the shock, but would convey less urgency.

So which one you think is better?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your friend and father don't have the combined experience that is here. Ask yourself how many times were they exposed to this situation? They may want to look out for you, but what is their expertise?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Been speaking to a close friend(woman) and dad. They've advised me not to approach the OM's wife at all.
> 
> My lady friend says:
> 1) That there us a possibility that the OM's wife may not care about his A, just as long he comes at night; doesn't bring my W to their house; pays the bills; gives her money etc.
> ...


I respectfully disagree with your lady friend. 

_1) That there us a possibility that the OM's wife may not care about his A, just as long he comes at night; doesn't bring my W to their house; pays the bills; gives her money etc. 
_

And there is a possibility she has no idea at all that her husband is cheating on her and WOULD care.


_2) If I ever want to keep my W as a friend (I'd prefer a friend to an enemy) in the future, outing her and the OM to his wife will certainly jeopardize that._

Keeping your wife as "friend" has nothing to do with whether you make the other person involved in this (the potentially unsuspecting wife) aware of what has happened/is happening to her marriage and your marriage. You 4 are all tied in now.

_3) Even if their A gets broken up, what benefit aside from some short-term selfish satisfaction do I get. Will my W suddenly come to her 'senses'? Probably not...
_

It's not to "break up" the affair--it's not for "satisfacation/revenge" that you tell the OM's wife--it's for the sheer fact that she DESERVES to know the truth of what is going on.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Your friend has some valid points, but then again is she trying to keep the piece, or supporting you? I feel that if she was truly supporting you she would tell you to out the A.

When I told the OM's W in my case I did it through a phone call directly to her. It was awkward, but I had enough supporting evidence to convince her I wasn't a crack pot. I knew things that no one else but her, the OM, and my WW (which she didn't know or even suspect my WW knew also) knew. Things such as recent happenings in their life and his job that someone not informed wouldn't have known. 

I told her directly straight out about them having an affair and that I had proof, when she challenged me, I offered the recent job issues as proof of my deeper knowledge of him and things going on. She then knew I was for real and was open to hearing about the hidden relationship/ A. I didn't hit her with it directly, just said they were having an A, and offered other non-A proof to prove I wasn't a crackpot. 

I would suggest the same in your case and let the OM's W decide if she would like to meet after that or have the proof sent to her (in my case distance was a factor and she had me email to her direct account, of which I gladly did for her). The thing is, I let her make the choice of how much and what she wanted to know. All I didn't give her a choice in was the knowledge that they were in an A.

I feel that the I owed at least that to her. IF she didn't seem to care or want to know more, then that would be her decision, but I isn't going to hide and cover it up like her SIL and friends had been doing for all the years they knew. As that is the ultimate humiliation, when you find out that you have been in their presence for years at family functions and they were always laughing and talking behind your back.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

If there are no consequences, why would she ever change her behavior?

The Exposure is a consequence. It's the #1 mistake made by betrayed spouses, to think they can "Nice" the wayward back into the marriage. Mistakenly thinking that concealing her cheating will allow you to retain her "friendship" will just allow her to continue to walk all over you.

It has been said here before: Your Old Marriage is over. Your only route to a new marriage and rebuilt trust is to burn it to ashes, then burn the ashes. Then MAYBE you can rebuild trust and have a new relationship. I'm not saying you should be cruel, I'm saying you should expose and be honest. Honesty and exposure works on cheating the way Alcohol works on germs. I'm serious.

Oh, and OM's wife? Be honest with yourself too. How many women do you know - personally know - who could be told that their husband is cheating and be content with that, just to retain his paycheck. Very few, I think.

Think about it this way. Maybe he's being a jerk to her. Maybe he's unpleasant because he's always thinking about YOUR WIFE. Maybe she's sticking it out, hoping to drag him to counseling, but feeling lost, depressed and worthless. 

Maybe your call is the straw that breaks the camel's back and rescues her from this. Honesty. I'd want to know. Wouldn't you?

Peace,
FH


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Been speaking to a close friend(woman) and dad. They've advised me not to approach the OM's wife at all.
> 
> My lady friend says:
> 1) That there us a possibility that the OM's wife may not care about his A, just as long he comes at night; doesn't bring my W to their house; pays the bills; gives her money etc.
> ...


Completely disagree with your friend and dad. And why would you want to stay friends with someone who lied to you and disrespected you when you are at your friendliest (married!). What kind of friend would she be going forward ? 

Your comment above makes me also question your country of origin (without sounding racist) as I have heard this sort of talk where wives overlook their husbands "indiscretions" as long as he doesn't bring them home in some cultures. Don't count on it here!

Blow this up as soon as possible. If you can see the OMW in person then do so and take all your evidence with you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I think the OM's marriage is also on the rocks and I hope his W will give a schit if I present her with the evidence.


just to clarify you something, you are under this assumption because your wife told you and maybe she also belives it but that does not mean that is truth.

Married OMs always said that they are in horrible marriages with neglecting wives and about to divorce, but many times is the opposite, they have lovely wives that put all the effort at home and that is what give them the liberty and security to go and look for the thrill of banging other men wives.

I have read many cases where OMs even invent that their wives are cheating or cheated on them and of course are just lies.

but think about it, your wife will jump on bed with him if he tell her, "no, my marriage is perfect my wife is faithful and cosiderate and I will never chage her for anyone, hoo but you are in a bad marriage no problem lets haves sex anyway"


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

let me give you the insight of this man that persued married women but stay married with their own.

this was a post for ine of the marital predator that were once in TAM trying to reform himself. (I doubt he changed):

*Findingmyway was a player*

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did.* I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.*

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate.* That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me.* Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

manticore said:


> "Married OMs always said that they are in horrible marriages with neglecting wives and about to divorce, but many times is the opposite, they have lovely wives that put all the effort at home and that is what give them the liberty and security to go and look for the thrill of banging other men wives."


It's the oldest line in the book. "My wife just doesn't understand me!"


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Your friend and father make some uninformed valid points. Here's what they are forgetting, your "choices" are really reactions.

How many choices did you and the other woman have in this situation? ZERO.

Now, you have one real choice to make, which is completely under your control, that can at least help her catch up. Then she gets to react instead of being blindsided like you. Also, as has happened, she might fill in blanks which may help you stop worrying about the"ex-wife is muh friend" scenario.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It is the very personal life of the OMW that you are making decisions about. I don't think other people have the right to decide to keep people in the dark about such fundamental things. If someone knew this about your spouse, you would want to be informed. Others have pointed out that the OM is most likely lying about the state of his marriage and what his wife knows and thinks. This is extremely typical.

Tell the OMW. Don't be patronizing and decide what is best for her. Give her the vital information that she deserves to have about her own life. What she does with it is her business.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Something gives me the feeling this EA is has already become a PA....


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Something gives me the feeling this EA is has already become a PA....


to be honest with you, I think that me and everybody else here thought that it was already a PA when you created this thread, a woman does not want to divorce to seek a relationship if she has not engaged a full blown affair before (EA/PA)


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Something gives me the feeling this EA is has already become a PA....


What makes you think this? As already said we have our own views on this but just curious what makes you suddenly say this ?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I've found out that the meet in dark parks after work for a few hours each time. And I was made to think that she was always working late. Classic story I guess huh?



manfromlamancha said:


> What makes you think this? As already said we have our own views on this but just curious what makes you suddenly say this ?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I knew him before they got into this A and from the stories he told me, it is a real possibility.



manticore said:


> just to clarify you something, you are under this assumption because your wife told you and maybe she also belives it but that does not mean that is truth.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I've found out that the meet in dark parks after work for a few hours each time. And I was made to think that she was always working late. Classic story I guess huh?


How do you know this ? Have you seen them ? Did you not bust it up or at least see if they were "doing the deed" ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I knew him before they got into this A and from the stories he told me, it is a real possibility.


How do you know the POSOM ? Is he from your country of origin?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hey C&A,

How are you doing ? Any news ?

Hope you are coping.


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

If you still love your wife and willing to forgive I would suggest for you to seek R, there is always hope in hopeless situations. Even if she is at a point of being unwilling to stop talking to the OM, prayer changes things believe me I know. There is nothing you can do to make her stay or stop her from leaving but God can. I wouldn't suggest you put her out if R of your marriage is still a option. There is hope in hopeless situations, I would suggest you check out this site in assistance with seeking restoration of your marriage hopeatlast.com. Stay encouraged and don't listen to all of the people telling you to run in the other direction


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

God helps them, who help themselves. The world is full of people who think god will fix it.

Truth is: God gives us the strength, but its up to us to use it.

And god does not want you to simply pray and be passive.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

standinginthegap said:


> If you still love your wife and willing to forgive I would suggest for you to seek R, there is always hope in hopeless situations. Even if she is at a point of being unwilling to stop talking to the OM, prayer changes things believe me I know. There is nothing you can do to make her stay or stop her from leaving but God can.


Now why would God make her stop cheating, but doesn't stop things like children literally starving to death?

Sorry, but I think God would care more about helping situations like that as opposed to being worried about if a woman stops cheating on her husband.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm doing ok. I'm religious and I've been saying extra prayers. I find that prayer and going to mass helps me cope by calming my mind. Of course, I still fall into bouts of depression, but I'm ok most of the time just as long as I don't dwell on it too much.

I still do love her, but right now she is not someone I recognize anymore. Perhaps she needs some time alone and it will be up to her if she wants to R or not. I would be open to it if she gives up the A and repents. That looks completely unlikely right now...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I'm doing ok. I'm religious and I've been saying extra prayers. I find that prayer and going to mass helps me cope by calming my mind. Of course, I still fall into bouts of depression, but I'm ok most of the time just as long as I don't dwell on it too much.
> 
> I still do love her, but right now she is not someone I recognize anymore. Perhaps she needs some time alone and it will be up to her if she wants to R or not. I would be open to it if she gives up the A and repents. That looks completely unlikely right now...


How did the exposure work out?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Time is not right yet. 



Machiavelli said:


> How did the exposure work out?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Agreed!



bryanp said:


> No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

why EXACTLY are you here on TAM
??


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Been speaking to a close friend(woman) and dad. They've advised me not to approach the OM's wife at all.


This is bad advice.
very bad advice.

The ONLY way to destroy the "magic" of their relationship is to crush it with reality.

Tell his wife, today


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> There is hope in hopeless situations,


Actually the reason they're called "hopeless" situations is because there is no hope, none, nada, naft.
If there was hope in a situation one would refer to it as "hopeful" not "hopeless".
"Hopeless" is reserved for those situations that actually have no hope in them.

See the difference there?

Religious rhetoric never makes any rational sense to me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Time is not right yet.


Indeed, yesterday would have been better timing but we work with what we've got.

Stop stalling and rationalizing.

Fix this.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Not stalling. There is a plan that involves some timing and some other dominoes that need to fall in place first.



tacoma said:


> Indeed, yesterday would have been better timing but we work with what we've got.
> 
> Stop stalling and rationalizing.
> 
> Fix this.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Sorry, I haven't been here awhile.

Well, the W has signed her lease for her new apartment and is in the process of cleaning and moving in. As a courtesy, I offered to help her move some of her boxes from the upstairs bedroom to the garage. The OM will help her move those from her car to the apartment. Ain't it swell to have two guys working for you?!

The two seem to be behaving as a 'real' couple now. Going apartment hunting, apartment cleaning, furniture shipping together etc. I really don't want to care but this is really killing me inside. Having her move out is at least not as bad (and having to deal with the loneliness) as having to deal with her in the same house. She has convinced herself that she actually cares for my well being, but I know she is just spinning her hamster wheel.

There is a faith based divorce support group meet in the second week of April that I have signed up for. Some say that these can be a two edged sword as you will be around people who are depressed/angry/ in denial etc. But I'm willing to give it a try.

I'm planning to contact the OM's supposed wife next week after my W has finally moved out. I think she has the right to know. What she does with the info is entirely up to her. I suspect my W will ditch her 'caring' nature and go monster (assuming the word get around) but she can do it on 'their' time.

I am suffering, but I am doing the best I can.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

God, I'm soooo sorry you're having to go through this. At least it's over and done with and you can move on and hopefully find someone who will love and cherish you the way married couples should. Maybe the future isn't so bleak after all. :smthumbup:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Really sorry to hear how it worked out. At least she will be out of your life and you can start anew. What about your residency status? Does that get affected by this?


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I think it's time to change your nick:
CONVINCED&STRONGER


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Not stalling. There is a plan that involves some timing and some other dominoes that need to fall in place first.


What dominoes were you expecting to fall in place?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

For her to move out.



manfromlamancha said:


> What dominoes were you expecting to fall in place?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Yeah, but that would mean getting a new email and posting will get messy etc.



jack.c said:


> I think it's time to change your nick:
> CONVINCED&STRONGER


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

You seem like a good man, I applaud you, I think I'd have torched her stuff, not wise I know


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Sometimes I wish I had a vice. 

Don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't womanize, don't scream and yell, don't hit, don't trash stuff in anger...... 

Frankly, I think if I did some of this she'd be a little afraid of me and would have thought twice before pulling the chit she has done so far.



ricky15100 said:


> You seem like a good man, I applaud you, I think I'd have torched her stuff, not wise I know


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

She has moved most of her stuff out of the house and is no longer sleeping here.

She turned up today to trim the plants so that they'll be ready for the growing season. She wanted (assumed that it was ok) to return every weekend to tend to the garden but I said 'No' saying that it "Wouldn't be good for me" and she seemed to accept that. I also turned down her offer for dinner tonight although I really did want to have dinner out with her. Sigh....Ouch....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> She has moved most of her stuff out of the house and is no longer sleeping here.
> 
> She turned up today to trim the plants so that they'll be ready for the growing season. She wanted (assumed that it was ok) to return every weekend to tend to the garden but I said 'No' saying that it "Wouldn't be good for me" and she seemed to accept that. I also turned down her offer for dinner tonight although I really did want to have dinner out with her. Sigh....Ouch....


Well done, try to stay strong and keep this attitude with her.

What are you doing with your time?

Don't sit around the house, get out and keep moving, stay busy.

This is the time to do those things you always wanted to but couldn't because of her.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I'm really really trying. I just need to believe fully that this arrangement is for the best.

Right now I'm concentrating in finding a job. I'm also attending mass once a day and going to the gym. I'm also a hifi freak, so I've moved out some furniture from the living room that were blocking the speakers. I've also signed up for a local "things to do" newsletter which will allow me to meet new people.



tacoma said:


> Well done, try to stay strong and keep this attitude with her.
> 
> What are you doing with your time?
> 
> ...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I'm really really trying. I just need to believe fully that this arrangement is for the best.
> 
> Right now I'm concentrating in finding a job. I'm also attending mass once a day and going to the gym. I'm also a hifi freak, so I've moved out some furniture from the living room that were blocking the speakers. I've also signed up for a local "things to do" newsletter which will allow me to meet new people.


Oh hey, you mentioning that newsletter and that you are a hi-fi nut reminded me of this place.

Find your people - Meetup

You type in your city/town and it shows you all the groups in your area and extends an invite to RSVP to one of their gatherings if you want.

I thought of it because I noticed a hi-fi group in my area last time I checked it out.

There's everything from dog walking groups to bikers, to church groups to, airplane hobbyists, to singles groups(bit early for that last one I think but you get the gist) a bit of everything.

Check it out you might find something cool.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Thanks for the link. This should come in useful. Yeah, right now I just need general (man and women) social companionship and will need to be careful not to get too involved yet.



tacoma said:


> Oh hey, you mentioning that newsletter and that you are a hi-fi nut reminded me of this place.
> 
> Find your people - Meetup
> 
> ...


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Guess whet my WW told me before she left the other day?

"I'm making the right decision to leave you, otherwise you won't live up to your full potential". "If I'm around, you won't change".

If it wasn't for her affair I actually might believe her!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mighty nice of her to do you this big favor isn't it??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Please don't take this the wrong way, but even a broken clock is right at least twice a day. Your WW is right. Her leaving is the best thing for you. IMHO. You are a decent guy, love your family, committed to your marriage, etc. She wasn't. She is like crack to you. Makes you feel good, you are willing to put up with all kinds of sh*# to get it, but in the end, people who look at you can see that you are no longer the bright, shining star that you were. Trust me, I have seen my share of drug addicts from beginning to end and it is horrible.

Your "full potential" IMHO is being drug (WW) free, healing and heading for greener pastures. Crack is never good, not even in moderation. Today is a day for you to rejoice. Ding Dong the Bitc* is gone! Cry a little, sigh a little, miss the high a little, then re-arrange the furniture, sell some stuff, and make all memories of her disappear. Seriously. You just won the lottery.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

If she is so in love with her garden what I would do if I was you,every time you have to take a wizz,go do it in the garden.When she comes around tell her you don't know what happened you've been watering them but they did,not grow.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, the OMW has been contacted. 

She says that she has suspected that her H has been having the affair, but doesn't care. She wanted to know my W's name, but I said that she should find that out for herself and she should do what she thought was necessary to protect herself. She was really calm, didn't do the blame game thing and I on my part did the same.

I've taken into account all the advice here and from other forums and am forming an alternate plan that involves moving far away to start my life anew.

Thanks people.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> Well, the OMW has been contacted.
> 
> She says that she has suspected that her H has been having the affair, but doesn't care. She wanted to know my W's name, but I said that she should find that out for herself and she should do what she thought was necessary to protect herself. She was really calm, didn't do the blame game thing and I on my part did the same.
> 
> ...



You've done what you can do.

What does she mean by "doesn't care".

She's just going to let her H continue to cheat with your wife huh.

Takes all kinds I guess


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

That's what she said. 

"I have suspected that he has been having an affair, but I don't care." 

Maybe now that she has heard it from the man who's wife is the OW, she may do something.



tacoma said:


> You've done what you can do.
> 
> What does she mean by "doesn't care".
> 
> ...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Confused&Afraid said:


> That's what she said.
> 
> "I have suspected that he has been having an affair, but I don't care."
> 
> Maybe now that she has heard it from the man who's wife is the OW, she may do something.


Seems some people like to pretend it's not happening.

Once someone puts it right in front of them they have no choice but to acknowledge it.

Let's hope she's one of those people.

Either way, well done.

What's your plan from here on?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Hope so.

Probably sell the house and move to a different state.



tacoma said:


> Seems some people like to pretend it's not happening.
> 
> Once someone puts it right in front of them they have no choice but to acknowledge it.
> 
> ...


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I don't think the other wife doesn't care in the sense that she is content to let him cheat. I think she is just apathetic. Perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back for her and she is planning her exit. After all, she wanted to know your wife's name.

I am a bit disappointed, not that it matters, that you protected your wife by not divulging her name. The lady said that she suspected an affair and wanted a name. Clearly, her investigation yielded nothing. Now, all she can do, if so inclined, is confront her husband with "someone called me and said you were cheating with some unknown lady." He will deny it and she is left with nothing. She deserves to know her name. Why make her have to keep digging? If you are going to expose, then expose. As a friend of mine once said when someone tried to ruin his life, "if **** is getting blown up, then **** is getting BLOWN UP!" Give name, dates, etc., BLOW IT UP. Still, kudos to you for what you did.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I felt it was necessary to let her know that something was happening, which I did. If the OMW really gives a fcuk, she can can hire a PI like I did. She needs to do her own work, get her own evidence. 



bigfoot said:


> I don't think the other wife doesn't care in the sense that she is content to let him cheat. I think she is just apathetic. Perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back for her and she is planning her exit. After all, she wanted to know your wife's name.
> 
> I am a bit disappointed, not that it matters, that you protected your wife by not divulging her name. The lady said that she suspected an affair and wanted a name. Clearly, her investigation yielded nothing. Now, all she can do, if so inclined, is confront her husband with "someone called me and said you were cheating with some unknown lady." He will deny it and she is left with nothing. She deserves to know her name. Why make her have to keep digging? If you are going to expose, then expose. As a friend of mine once said when someone tried to ruin his life, "if **** is getting blown up, then **** is getting BLOWN UP!" Give name, dates, etc., BLOW IT UP. Still, kudos to you for what you did.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I felt it was necessary to let her know that something was happening, which I did. If the OMW really gives a fcuk, she can can hire a PI like I did. She needs to do her own work, get her own evidence.


I get what you are saying, but I would have given her name and her cel# so she could bug the crap out of her after what your w did to you but to each their own.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should have given OMW a picture of your WW so that she could wave it OM's face.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry for the spot you are in. I know it sucks, but life really can get better.

Find that job! stay active.

Also, if she needs help getting more boxes of her stuff down from the second floor, toss the heavy ones out a window and let her new OM catch them.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

workindad said:


> Sorry for the spot you are in. I know it sucks, but life really can get better.
> 
> Find that job! stay active.
> 
> Also, if she needs help getting more boxes of her stuff down from the second floor, toss the heavy ones out a window and let her new OM catch them.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

All the stuff is gone, but if there were, I'd send one or more towards his head!



workindad said:


> Sorry for the spot you are in. I know it sucks, but life really can get better.
> 
> Find that job! stay active.
> 
> Also, if she needs help getting more boxes of her stuff down from the second floor, toss the heavy ones out a window and let her new OM catch them.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

The W stopped by today to collect the final (hopefully) few things of hers. She asked to go out for dinner, but I politely turned her down again. In typical cheater fashion, she was really interested if I was going out to dinner alone or whit a friend, and not for the first time too. 

Her behavior suggests that she knows nothing of me talking to the OMW, so no fireworks today. 

She also let slip that the OM is at her apartment and has keys.

Now I know why "Going Dark" is so important... Seeing her still hurts me inside....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Now that she is gone, have your doors re-keyed. Go dark. Have your cell carrier block her number. 

Talk to her only through your lawyer.

Dark ,dark, dark.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does the OM have children?

You should have helped his wife, don't you think?

If you sell the house, how will you split the money?


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

He has at least one, perhaps two grown children and is already a grandfather.

I did help the OMW by confirming her suspensions. She can hire a PI like I did. Better from a legal standpoint that way. 

Division of assets have not been confirmed yet.



LongWalk said:


> Does the OM have children?
> 
> You should have helped his wife, don't you think?
> 
> If you sell the house, how will you split the money?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Confused&Afraid said:


> He has at least one, perhaps two grown children and is already a grandfather.
> 
> I did help the OMW by confirming her suspensions. She can hire a PI like I did. Better from a legal standpoint that way.
> 
> Division of assets have not been confirmed yet.


You confirmed her suspicions, but you didn't help her any further than that. Call her back and give her all the info you have that she needs. Quid pro quo; she'll be more inclined to return the favor if/when she uncovers more.

She's your best ally in this. Don't forget that.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

I did consider telling all, but there is a good reason why I shouldn't. If did tell all and my case went to court and if my WW's attorney somehow found out, he/she could use it against me. I've had counsel on this. 

In any case, I already have all the damming evidence I need. 



3putt said:


> You confirmed her suspicions, but you didn't help her any further than that. Call her back and give her all the info you have that she needs. Quid pro quo; she'll be more inclined to return the favor if/when she uncovers more.
> 
> She's your best ally in this. Don't forget that.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Confused&Afraid said:


> I did consider telling all, but there is a good reason why I shouldn't. If did tell all and my case went to court and if my WW's attorney somehow found out, he/she could use it against me. I've had counsel on this.
> 
> In any case, I already have all the damming evidence I need.


And just how did your attorney explain and convince you that telling the truth could be used against you in a court of law?

I'd love to hear this.

Yeah, you've had counsel on this, but for your attorney's best interest (paycheck)....not yours.


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## Confused&Afraid (Jan 5, 2014)

Conspiracy issues 



3putt said:


> And just how did your attorney explain and convince you that telling the truth could be used against you in a court of law?
> 
> I'd love to hear this.
> 
> Yeah, you've had counsel on this, but for your attorney's best interest (paycheck)....not yours.


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