# Coming off of porn...



## husbandinwaiting

I have decided to end my porn addiction.

I have finally recognized that it is an addiction, and that it is hurting my marriage. I used to justify myself by blaming my wife for being distant, and nonsexual. And I would say so when she would catch me. I knew her feelings, but completely dismissed them. 

I don't believe the porn itself is bad. It's my behavior that is the problem. Hiding, lying, etc.

I've decided to just stop. Haven't watched porn (tube movies) or MB for a few days. So far I'm just bored. Trying not to replace one addiction with another.

Are there any significant side effects that I'm not aware of? I do not intend to be abstinent. Just will take a little time to return to a more normal routine. 

I haven't talked to my wife about this yet. I wanted to get established, and understand what is involved. I don't want to pledge off porn and turn around and violate my commitment.

Any thoughts?


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## eyuop

husbandinwaiting said:


> I have decided to end my porn addiction.
> 
> I have finally recognized that it is an addiction, and that it is hurting my marriage. I used to justify myself by blaming my wife for being distant, and nonsexual. And I would say so when she would catch me. I knew her feelings, but completely dismissed them.
> 
> I don't believe the porn itself is bad. It's my behavior that is the problem. Hiding, lying, etc.
> 
> I've decided to just stop. Haven't watched porn (tube movies) or MB for a few days. So far I'm just bored. Trying not to replace one addiction with another.
> 
> Are there any significant side effects that I'm not aware of? I do not intend to be abstinent. Just will take a little time to return to a more normal routine.
> 
> I haven't talked to my wife about this yet. I wanted to get established, and understand what is involved. I don't want to pledge off porn and turn around and violate my commitment.
> 
> Any thoughts?


You sound very much like me. My thread is here: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/71684-i-want-porn-out-my-life.html

We are in the same boat. I've been porn-free for about 2 months now. I did have a short relapse, but I've gotten beyond that. I've decided to replace porn with a new schedule -- working toward some things I've been wanting to improve in my life. I even celebrated my first month free by getting some clothes that I really like (that actually fit me). I've been focusing on working out (getting REALLY in shape), working toward goals in life and better communication with my wife.

I had my wife and I take the 5 Love Languages test. It is here for free: 
Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

My love language is physical touch, and her love language is words of affirmation. One of my porn triggers was when I was just feeling very affection starved. My wife isn't naturally very affectionate (just not her love language). Her sex drive is lower than mine (she is a 2 to 3 times per week), and sometimes she would purposefully withhold affection from me because she didn't want to "turn me on" (because she felt like she couldn't keep up with me already). This only made me more starved for sex, and I would turn to porn/MB to release the tension. I would consequently also become more negative in my words (bummed out about my situation, etc.) and this was a huge turn-off for her (opposite of her love language). 

I love my wife and kids. I love life in general and enjoy so many things about my family and friends. I've been struggling with porn on and off for almost 30 years, sometimes going a couple of years without only to "fall off the wagon" again. I don't see porn as necessarily the problem. I see it as my own "easy way" of dealing with my sexual tension that isn't the healthiest way. I want to focus all of my sexual energy on my wife, and porn does ramp up that energy to levels where it really doesn't need to be.

I'm actually very relaxed about porn. I can't even say I don't like it, because obviously I do. (Like trying to convince myself that I don't like chocolate or fine wine). But what I don't like is the same thing you don't like -- the lying, hiding, hoping my wife doesn't discover it and flip out or fall apart thinking (wrongly) that she isn't good enough, pretty enough, etc. for me (which you and I both know has nothing to do with porn watching). The main need porn was meeting for me was twofold. One was I was trying to live out vicariously my longing for more affection through watching very affectionate scenes. I loved to see the responses of the women actors to touch and pleasuring, and I inwardly longed for my wife to want that kind of touch from me and to want to respond in passionate ways. Of course, porn watching also helped me to have sexual release when my wife wasn't accommodating (for whatever reason -- I didn't need much of a reason). 

I haven't told my wife yet, either. I see other women responding to their husband's porn issues here on TAM and I'm quite frankly not ready to deal with that yet. Women tend to compare themselves to the porn actresses and feel like they can't measure up (which is in my mind preposterous). For some women, it is even a deal-breaker and they decide to leave their husband over it. I can't see my wife doing that, but I can see her feeling really angry and betrayed. I want to be porn-free a bit longer before I tell her what I had been struggling with and that I've given it up and want to move forward with better ways to cope with my stress, better communication, and just generally improving my life and not having porn as a "go to" thing when I feel life is getting the best of me. It really is a drug that soothes and takes the "edge" off.

One of the things that has really helped me has been to continue to post on TAM. The internet was a huge game-changer in my struggle with porn. A click away from "all you can eat" is not good for one who is online a lot for work, etc. I can't do blocker software because I'm too computer save and can get through any barrier I would try to put in my way to keep me out. No, it has to be ME. I need to want to have it out of my life and I need to replace it with good, healthy ways of dealing with my stresses and with being the best husband and father I can be. I need to do it for myself. Not for my wife, my kids, or anything else. 

Best wishes as you follow the same path I've chosen to travel. I'm here, shoulder to shoulder to encourage you on to success. It isn't easy, but it is well worth it. I'm already finding I have more clarity and I am facing life as a new challenge and taking charge of my destiny in new and exciting ways.

I'm not anti-porn or pro-porn. This is simply what I'm wanting to do personally. It would be cool if you could walk this road with me, because it can be lonely road.


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## husbandinwaiting

I appreciate your response.


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## sparkyjim

You might want to check out these sites -

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

Your Brain Rebalanced - Index


I have been having some thoughts about this and reading the blog of another TAM poster. I should give her credits right now but I think she wants to keep her blog under wraps for a little while.

Anyway, in her blog she talks about our natural sex drives and puts it on a scale.

It goes from anorexic(no desire) to low desire, to moderate desire, to normal desire, to high desire, to extremely high, and then to hyper desire.

My thoughts have been that porn can push us up or down the scale and put us in a place where we feel uncomfortable.

Don't interpret the word "uncomfortable" in a negative way. Maybe you feel uninterested, maybe you feel highly aroused. But mostly you feel out of place and you need to do something to change it. Let's just say that you have looked at porn and now you are aroused and you need to get back to your comfort level. SO you masturbate. Or you have just masturbated and you are feeling down, and you want to get back up to where you were, so you look at porn.

And all this time your actions have you in the hyper desire phase when your natural place is normal or maybe a little on the high side. Or maybe the after effects of porn have pushed you into the low desire phase - and you really don't want to level out there...

My point is that as long as you are indulging the porn you are not allowing your body to settle out to where it wants to naturally be. You might not be high drive! You might be normal.

Or maybe who knows? But one thing you do know is that you do not feel good about where you are right now. I'm humbly suggesting that is the porn at work. I'm humbly suggesting to look at how unhappy you are right now - how out of place you feel.

I encourage you to find that place on the scale where you can live most happily.

Also check out this site - it's good for married men who desire a better sexual relationship with their spouse.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## husbandinwaiting

I will review your links.

I'm finding porn to have been more of a coping mechanism. I feel bad about crap, and I want to feel good. I know it's been less than a week, but I really have little desire unless I am down. 

Honestly I want to have sex with my wife. I miss the intimacy. I thought I was compensating for no sex. But it seems more about the distance between us. It's not about lusting after different women.


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## sparkyjim

husbandinwaiting said:


> I thought I was compensating for no sex.


Many before you have made this same mistake. But porn is only going to lead you to have less real sex. And you still won't feel good about yourself because...



husbandinwaiting said:


> Honestly I want to have sex with my wife. I miss the intimacy.



This^^^ You know it - now you just have to get there.

Rebooting your brain, getting off of the porn, is the first step. It will clear the way for so many good things to come. They might not be your "fantasy" but they will be better.

Keep us posted about how you are doing. If you slip up just be honest. I have been in your shoes - I have slipped many times. I'm still working at it and I am seeing huge changes...


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## husbandinwaiting

sparkyjim said:


> Many before you have made this same mistake. But porn is only going to lead you to have less real sex. And you still won't feel good about yourself because...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This^^^ You know it - now you just have to get there.
> 
> Rebooting your brain, getting off of the porn, is the first step. It will clear the way for so many good things to come. They might not be your "fantasy" but they will be better.
> 
> Keep us posted about how you are doing. If you slip up just be honest. I have been in your shoes - I have slipped many times. I'm still working at it and I am seeing huge changes...


Care to share how long you have been working at it? What prompted the backslides?


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## sparkyjim

Been working at it two years.

I was in a relationship with someone who confronted me about my porn use. I was over the top and I needed to make some changes in my life.

I have worked at it ever since. I post a lot on this site, and on others about how porn can distract a man from finding true happiness in his real sexual relations.

That's the condensed version - I have become quite the student and the mentor also.

Backslides can be triggered by anything really. The point that is most telling is that even a fail can be a learning experience.

If you do the work and you are open and honest I think you can see real improvements in your real sex life. But you have to be willing to make room in your life for the good things by getting rid of the things that you know you don't want. Sometimes that can be painful, but it is so worth it.

Most men want a good sex life. Don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for that. But a good sex life is not about porn - it is not about leering at other women - it is not about having affairs.

A good sex life is about recognizing that the woman you have is the right one for you and is the best way for you to find sexual satisfaction. And then taking that knowledge and running with it. 
Learn how to be a man that any woman would find attractive. Learn how to communicate to your wife the truths that a good sex life can make you both happier.

No porn is just step one...

and then it really starts to get fun. At least I think so...


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## husbandinwaiting

Cheers! Well written. Feel bad you have to read my ramblings.

I'm find this forum very helpful, and appreciate the insight of other members.

The porn is a long standing issue in my marriage, along with my anger/poor attitude. It's a root cause for the problems I'm dealing with now. 

I'll be checking out your other posts.


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## sparkyjim

husbandinwaiting said:


> The porn is a long standing issue in my marriage, along with my anger/poor attitude.


I'm not surprised to see these two issues in the same sentence.

Porn can set you up for a LOT of dissatisfaction - mostly because the porn ideal is not attainable - but they don't tell you that. They want you to think that what they are selling is exactly what you need. I mean even thought most porn is available for free now they are still making money at it, and they want you to come back.

Anyway, that dissatisfaction can lead to anger, poor attitude, depression, etc. It's all one big entangled mess isn't it?


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## husbandinwaiting

"I know i will get hate for this but anyway, I must enlighten some of you. Most of the people on here will never fully quit PMO or make it past 100 days. I know people need to stay motivated but it's difficult."
The Top 3 FATAL MISTAKES Rebooters Make

Not too encouraging. Excellent resource though.


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## sparkyjim

A reply to that comment was this...

"It bothers me because it's not true. And it bothers me because I want everyone in this forum to succeed."

It IS a good resource - and improvement is improvement - I am looking to improve myself.

I find a lot of support and good advice on that forum.

Glad to hear that you are checking it out.


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## eyuop

To be honest, I actually surf to this site if I'm feeling tempted to go "elsewhere". It works wonders because it reminds me of why I am here saying what I said. I need to confess that I have backslid twice, but this is a huge improvement over every day! 

Here are some really cool things that have happened (I'm in my third month working toward a porn-free life). 

I've had better sex with my wife because I'm focused more on meeting her needs emotionally.

I've improved physically -- focused on working out and I'm making some muscle gains (half an inch in my arms and legs, a full inch in my chest).

My sex drive has become more manageable. One of my fears was that if I didn't MB to porn that my testosterone levels would drop (I'm over 40) and I would become lower drive (like my wife -- who isn't actually low drive for a woman, just much lower drive than I am). What has happened is her drive is increasing and mine is coming down just a bit to meet hers. 

I'm feeling more confident and attracting more female attention (not just my wife). I'm enjoying flirting more (harmlessly) and having females appreciate me more. I'm feeling a lot more free to just be myself and not have anything to hide about my sexuality. Confidence boost!

I thought being off of porn would be miserable, but instead my life is improving and I'm feeling more positive about the future. Instead of looking for my next "porn fix" I'm focused on other things that really make a difference in life -- my wife, my kids, my future. It is hard to see all of this when I was so clouded by porn and MB.


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## husbandinwaiting

Started therapy. Therapist believes my issues begin with sever self esteem issues. Anger and porn are side effects. Clinical depression. He wouldn't define me technically, didn't think it was a good idea.

Seems that porn is the least of my worries. Wife is driving me crazy. Can't tell if she is acting out, testing me, punishing me, or just straight up crazy. Acting selfish, disregarding family. We can have one normal conversation, the the next I get taken to left field. I'm trying not to push her, trying to give some space, but it's hard. I want to fix this now, or at least feel like were headed in right direction. Makes me doubt, tests my resolve, puts me in a place where I'm vulnerable to temptation. If this keeps up I will not have to worry about back sliding, I'll be stressed into ED. 

I know I have to remain calm and diligent. Take care of myself first. Stick with my self-help program. She is going to have to get her self together, part of my co-dependence makes me want to do it for her. Need to stop blaming myself for this mess. Just too stressful, after throwing in regular life. Would be so much easier if I knew step by step what I had to do. Need to figure out how to stop bouncing off the walls.

Thanx for listening.


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## buddylove

Hi, I was wondering if anyone knows of a software that is designed to protect adults from porn. "Net Nannies" are good for children when you have a parent to arm the software with a pass code but what if the adult wants to not see this content as well and does not want a pass code? Any suggestions? Thanks.


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## husbandinwaiting

buddylove said:


> Hi, I was wondering if anyone knows of a software that is designed to protect adults from porn. "Net Nannies" are good for children when you have a parent to arm the software with a pass code but what if the adult wants to not see this content as well and does not want a pass code? Any suggestions? Thanks.


I use OpenDns Family shield. I use their DNS servers on my WiFi router instead of isp's. Anything--phones, etc--connrcting to WiFi gets protected. Its free. I had to jump thru hoops to do it at router level. Easy enough to do and defeat at PC level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## As'laDain

write down every time you use porn. at the end of the month, look back at it. if you want it to remain anonymous, use a pocket calender and mark the days you use. be sure to include any possible reasons why you were tempted, and if its an anonymous type calender, use a code system.(thought about your spouse(TAS), boredom(BD), saw a hot girl(HG), etc)
personally, i would tell your spouse what its for if they care to know, but thats just me. i am a firm believer in transparency.

after a month, it will give you an idea of what triggers your urge to use. then you can start to formulate a plan to avoid the situations that tempt you. 

another thing, and this is not always easy, is to just go beat off while thinking about the first time you and your spouse had sex. the easy part is to think about your first time. the hard part is thinking only about your spouse, but that isnt an issue if your only concern is stopping your use of porn... either way, it should be a powerful enough visualization that you can avoid looking at porn until after you get the release that will eliminate the desire. 

eventually, you can start moving on to fantasies and such. 
stopping masturbation is a whole different ball game... and if you ever attempt it, be ready to change your under wear every morning, since your only release, without sex, will be wet dreams.

and yes, i have been there.


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