# I seriously don't know what to do...



## esallgood (Oct 14, 2013)

I would like to preface this whole thing by proclaiming, I love my husband. I don't know how to function without him. But I also have no idea what to do. We are never intimate. And I know it shouldn't be so important, I'm not a sex crazed maniac or anything... but sex is kind of a big deal.

So here's what's up. We've been an item for about 2 years now. Sex was never as much as I would like, but usually once a week, and I could live with that. Until right after the wedding, I was the main bread-winner for us, he was having a hard time finding work. But as soon as he did, we stopped having sex. Before when I was the one working (I haven't left my job, but I did go part time because our schedules conflict to the point we could only see each other an hour a day) he said "we'll have more sex when I can be the man and bring home money." So he's 'the man' now... what's going on? And so we're fighting, all the time. I'll readily admit that the fighting is my fault. I feel like he doesn't want me, I'm unattractive, rejected... So I lash out and tell him these things. And I know that drives him away more, but I feel like he doesn't hear me, or care enough to fix things. Last year, he decided that sex automatically equals babies, and we had about 3 weeks without it. In that time he claimed that he had somehow developed ed (pretty much overnight) so I started doing some research and such... we tried some herbal things, and I suggested going to the doctor. He promised to do so, all the way back then... and never did. Now his excuse is he can't go until his insurance kicks in... in another month. And I'm pretty sure that means "Meh... if I get around to it, I'll do it." I feel like I've done everything I can to fix things. I've cut my work load way back, so that I can be home during the day cooking and cleaning, so I can be here when he gets home. I've done so much research on ed, (most of it seems to be psychological as far as I can tell, since he's 31 and I'm 27. I guess under 40 unless you're a cyclist with a pinched nerve or something, it's pretty much a mental thing. AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE. Then it's like a choice to not.) Heck I've even gone to the doctor, to see if they could fix me. Give me some sort of anxiety medication or something, mellow me out so I don't care. And I guess that worked a bit. I'm not screaming at him. Ok... so I've ranted a whole book over here. And I'm not sure that there is any suggestions that could be made at all... or if my post is coherent enough to reply to... Maybe I just need to know that this happens to other people too? That it's not a sign of impending terrible marriage times? That I didn't make a terrible choice marrying him, knowing our libidos don't line up?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

dose he look at alot of porn? check the computer .

somethings not right.


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## esallgood (Oct 14, 2013)

He doesn't look at porn at all, as far as I can tell. I also doubt that it's an affair. When he's not at work he's at home with me. So... I don't know, maybe A-sexual. Is that even a thing? 

Ok, honesty time! I am pretty fat. I know this, I've always been fat. I was raised a fat little girl. But that's how he married me. If it was a problem, and he wasn't attracted to me, wouldn't that have been a problem before now too?


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I realize that he will rebuff this but getting his Testosterone levels checked may not be a bad idea. This is not a one-size-fits-all solution but it could be very revealing.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

tyler1978 said:


> I realize that he will rebuff this but getting his Testosterone levels checked may not be a bad idea. This is not a one-size-fits-all solution but it could be very revealing.


I have low T and I'd go at my (overweight) wife three times a day if she'd have me.

I'm pretty sure you are his beard. Look it up.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Sounds to me like he isn't meeting his own expectations (and isn't telling you what those expectations are), and then he feels emasculated by anything he deems as sexual pressure. BTDT. I heaped on the affection and praise non-sexually. ultimately it took him having had enough of his feelings to seek help. Turns out he had HBP and other health issues.

I agree with a T-check. Does he see this as a problem, too? Does he believe that if one of you has an issue which affect you both, that it then becomes an issue for you both?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Start with a T check to rule that out.

Will he do that? It's a simple blood test.


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## esallgood (Oct 14, 2013)

After another fight last night, he said he would go for a blood test. So I'm not sure when that's going to happen, but he did agree to it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

In addition to those comments and suggestions your second sentence struck me as very unhealthy: "I don't know how to function without him."

Maybe your constant bickering and nagging is turning him off. I think you need to learn how to live your own life and co-exist while you work through these things. Back off, live your own life, do your own things and stop clinging to him so much. You are, in fact, perfectly capable of functioning without him and you need to. You have no life of your own and are clinging to him for life - get your own life. Having your own interests and friends is what makes you interesting as a person. If all you do is be his housewife and dote on him for all of your entertainment and social activities, that's got to be pretty boring to him. 

Just another facet to the problem, IMO.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I doubt there is anything wrong with him. Counselling ought to help.
This has more to do with stature. He wasnt earning you were. Now he is. The question is since you are also earning and long before he did how much praise do you give him. 
Most likely he feels it isnt enough.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

What are his energy levels like? I know that sometimes that might have something to do with it. If my fiance is working 60 hour workweeks we might get intimate only on the weekends because he's busting his ass at work - and that's fine by me, and completely understandable. I think if I hounded him for sex when I knew he was working so much it might make him feel bad, and that's the last thing I'd want to do.


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