# Did you lose respect for your WS?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Dh and I had a fight yesterday and the funny thing is that he will bring up something I said 3 years ago or 15 years ago and then when I bring up his EA's he always gets defensive and says why do you have to bring that up??

Regardless, I managed to get out that I think some of my negative attitude toward him is loss of respect. I told him that when I realized in June 2012 the full scope of what he had done that it was not just one EA but two and that he had also put himself on some of those adult dating sites...that for me my opinion of him changed. When I discovered his one EA in Sept. 2011 he told me that he was not looking for anything like that but it "just happened"..which was a lie because I found out that he had one before that and had put himself on adult sites.

I said that that many times thru our 25 years I was not happy and not once did it every occur to me to go online or seek someone out in real life...because #1 I have morals about that kind of stuff and that fact that if someone is willing to cheat with you on your husband/wife they are pathetic. So to me if a guy would have been okay to go behind my H's back to be with me what does that say about him? Even know when things are rough the thought of cheating does not even register with me...I have no desire or interest in finding anybody else while I am married.


I ended it with the fact that you thought that you and your pathetic AP (who knew you were still maried) would think you had a future together is ridiculous to me....thus my declined respect of him and poor attitude toward him.

I am not saying that how I amhandling things is right because it is not but man the damage that cheating does is incredible even years after.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Losing respect for a WS is the understatement of a lifetime.

You lose so much more... 

It forces you to deal, cope and change due to their bad behavior
and selfishness.

It affects you forever and is similar to a disease, in that there's no cure for it... 
no magical elixir to make things "normal" again.

The best thing you can do is understand that they're broken and
that you can't control them, only yourself, while working on making a 
better "normal" for yourself moving forward.

I would've felt less pain knowing that my ex murdered someone.
Why? Because it would've been someone else... and not my heart that got killed.

By choice.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and the thing of trying to blame the BS as well which happens so often. I got that as well..that well you didn't do this or you did this and it is like even if I was the worst wife in the world there are other options.

I just don't get the thing of deliberately going out and finding someone else...we are going thru a rough patch and believe me that is the last thing on my mind. I just don't get it...you are not happy with your spouse so going and getting involved with someone else just seems like way too much work for me.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Yes I did. She went full retard. You never go full retard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

highwood said:


> ...and the thing of trying to blame the BS as well which happens so often. I got that as well..that well you didn't do this or you did this and it is like even if I was the worst wife in the world there are other options.
> 
> I just don't get the thing of deliberately going out and finding someone else...we are going thru a rough patch and believe me that is the last thing on my mind. I just don't get it...you are not happy with your spouse so going and getting involved with someone else just seems like way too much work for me.


I didn't get my WW's insane logic either.

She obviously had issues that she needed to discuss... so she found
it easier to do so with a random man, rather than the person
she'd been with for almost 20 years and the father of her kids?

Insane.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lost respect? No. But I think I may have some resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Lost respect? No. But I think I may have some resentment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have both. Resentment because WS chose to go down that path. Loss of respect because I never thought he was the type of person who would "go there." Now it's like getting to re-know a person I thought I knew very well and clearly I did not, not at all. I did not realize how broken he was/is. OTOH, I think I may have been in some denial throughout the last 20+ years when I may have seen periodic glimmers as to another side of him. This makes me resent myself even though the past is gone, nothing I can do about it. It's a real s*it sandwich he chose for both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have certainly questioned my fiance's standards after I read the messages between him and his EA. She was very nasty to him, by my standards, anyway, and there are times when he gets a bit shirty with me, when I remind him of how bad it could be.

I guess this is just an example of the fog or maybe that good guys like bad girls, or something like that.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I was the WS. I lost respect for myself.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is what I have to remind myself of..is I am sure he feels crappy about what he did as well. So maybe me reminding him of it does not help...

I still don't understand even after I found out about his second EA in September 2011 he still continued it for 6 months all the whle telling me nothing is going on, etc. etc. and we were in marital counseling. That is the thing I don't get is how can you do that to someone, put the effort into hiding a cheap laptop then when I am at work bringing it out and corresponding with her...I don't get that!!!! 

Granted I have never had an affair so maybe something goes wonky in your brain.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, all respect in an instant, never to return.

It wasn't only losing respect for my SO, it was never being able to trust another human being again. Just a changed person forever but maybe I was living in fantasy land anyway.

Sad I had my eyes opened but it probably helped me set boundaries with future relationships, male, female, friends, family.....


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## JustRon (Feb 16, 2014)

highwood said:


> Dh and I had a fight yesterday and the funny thing is that he will bring up something I said 3 years ago or 15 years ago


That's my W's standard tactic in a fight. 

Respect? that was on the decline already due to the behaviors I've been seeing for months. I think she sees the loss of respect written all over my face, which causes more problems.

It's the blatant hypocrisy I still cannot comprehend. Day 1 with the VAR she's gossiping about her sister's suspected PA while she herself is searching for a Bi woman for EA/PA. I can't believe this is the same woman I knew.

JR


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

My WH was always the classic "good guy ". The perfect one, so knowing he wasn't a perfect husband it was really annoying to hear. 

So getting confirmation that he is human and not perfect is/was a strange mix of feelings. I've not sorted them all out. We lost so many things along the way. Respect is one of those things. I can't respect the things he did, choices he made. I knew he wasn't perfect. I didn't think he'd do what he did.

I do understand him better, it sucks that we had to go through this to get here.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Without a doubt, I lost a ton of respect for mine. Its a struggle ever day, some more than others. Have to wonder if it is worth keeping the marriage in tact.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes I think the depths that the WS goes to..hiding phones/computers, sneaking around to me almost shows a level of hatred toward the BS. Is there no guilt?

Like I said I have never had an affair and I can't imagine the work and energy it takes to sneak around. I still do not get it...I am not happy right now but the desire to sneak around is so unappealing I can't even describe it.

What goes thru the head of a WS who thinks that their AP who knows they are married and does not care is a good catch???


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Yes, I completely lost respect for him. It isn't likely to return. He is not who I thought he was.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Hell, my husband said to my former best friend that at least she was "level-headed", unlike me who was irrational. And he knew she had already had a PA with a pedophile while I have been faithful as a damn dog. The irony there is rich.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Yes. And that was a HUGE factor in why I didn't hesitate to divorce and end things. I can't be in an exclusive relationship with a woman I don't respect. Despite my womanizing and and a love of slaying as many chicks as possible, I value respecting a woman as a core element of me wanting an exclusive relationship, let alone a marriage in which I have a child with. Respect is a big deal. Before the affair, I respected by wife immensely. She was an honest person, loyal, very kind, good mother, funny, and so on. The affair shattered most of those things. The biggest being loyalty and honesty, but obviously respect too. 

Yes. I lost all respect for my wife as the ONLY woman I loved and wanted. 

Now, she's just another number and booty call.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I totally lost respect for WS. Some of it has returned but I will never respect the choices he's made in regards to cheating and/or leaving me when I was pregnant or letting me go it alone for five/six months after DS2 was born. 

During and after the cheating/separation he was also way on the defensive about everything. That he couldn't see past his pain to acknowledge mine did more damage. It's kind of like getting mad at someone for bleeding after you've stabbed them.

As time goes on and we talk about things, his walls about it have come down. We're still not in R though (he wants one really bad). Sometimes his insight during those times makes me think it might be possible. Worth it? I don't know.

The resentment is there though. I feel angry when he tells me how much he loves me. I can't help but wonder why he thinks he loves me now but certainly didn't feel like he did two or three years ago. I'm still here, just a little bit broken but besides the bitterness, and sadness, I haven't changed. 

Why does it take jumping to the other side to see how good he had it? Seriously, why did he have to rip open my chest and sh!t on my heart to know that I'm a good woman? I still don't have the answer to that. I don't know if he does.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'll put it this way: She totally fell off that pedestal I had her on.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I divorced because not only did i no longer respect her, i would no longer respect myself if i did.

Respect is easier kept than recovered.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

It's weird. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling the loss of respect for her and the resentment. Look, things were so bad between us that I admit I didn't want her around I had gone off her. Our R had collapsed but we did nothing about it. So we are smashed on the rocks and then she concretes an affair all over the detritus. Double whammy for me. Now I have gone further than loss of respect into this kind of drawn out anger/resignation state. Glued to the fact that we are irreparably damaged. My WS doesn't seem to notice any of this; acts like all is good - huh?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I didn't actually lose respect for my EX. I have a sadness for her because she seems like a lost soul. She has an awful relationship with her oldest son, her middle son now too. Her youngest probably isn't far behind.

She has it in her mind that everything is still my fault and I have to pay. The problem is she is paying dearly for the loss of her family and it is sad.

You cannot fix people like cantthinkstraight said. They have to do it themselves. When they choose to fix themselves, they can be wonderful people. When they don't, it's time to walk away and cut all ties.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Horizon said:


> It's weird. I sometimes feel guilty for feeling the loss of respect for her and the resentment. Look, things were so bad between us that I admit I didn't want her around I had gone off her. Our R had collapsed but we did nothing about it. So we are smashed on the rocks and then she concretes an affair all over the detritus. Double whammy for me. Now I have gone further than loss of respect into this kind of drawn out anger/resignation state. Glued to the fact that we are irreparably damaged. My WS doesn't seem to notice any of this; acts like all is good - huh?


Forgive her and forgive yourself. Nothing is irreparably broken. Choose who you want to be and get started. Do not follow your heart for it will deceive you. Lead your heart.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Oddly, I didn't really lose respect for her. I was just angry. Maybe this is twisted, but I actually thought, geez, the OM really loves her, maybe I should get on my horse.

Lost respect? No. I lost other things:

Innocence
Trust
Ability to freely love her without worrying
My temper
About 15 pounds those first 2 weeks


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

It is very rare that the pain and heartache of an affair, whether physical or emotional, just goes away over time. Healing in a relationship is both intentional and a process. I work for a Marriage & Family Ministry and know of some good books to help you get through. One is _Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage_ by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg. Good counseling is also highly recommended. 

Until the pain is confronted and the steps of forgiveness followed, these things will continue to raise their ugly head. I hope this is a help. Blessings on you!


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