# Please help me understand...



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

My wife had a strictly e-mail based emotional affair with someone living in another country. Briefly, they met on a plane, and I had been emotionally neglecting her for quite some time. Thus, they began an email friendship, that quickly led to overt expressions of love, etc. as she was basically getting her emotional needs met by this guy and not me. HNHN's described it perfectly!

She has shown remorse, eliminated all contact, is embarrassed as this was completely out of character for her, and has questioned her ability to even forgive herself. 

We are on better terms, moving in a good direction, etc. Bringing this up with her puts us both back in a place where neither of us wants to be, but I am having a hard time forgetting and I dwell on this frequently.

Has anybody experienced this and what advice can you offer? I don't want to discuss it with her, as she will think I will never get past it, etc. I believe she is past it, views it as a serious mistake, and really doesn't want to keep bringing it up.

Thanks!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I have not experienced this but like most people I have unhappy memories from the past that trouble me from time to time. All I can say is that they do get easier with time. I can well understand that she will be upset if you keep bringing it up with her. Have you tried counselling on a one-to-one basis if you want to talk it over in confidence with someone, or may be a priest, again in confidence? That can help. 

Cognitive behavioural therapy can help learn to manage unwelcome thoughts better.

We will probably never be completely clear of them but we can learn to live better with them.

Good luck


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I have not experienced this but like most people I have unhappy memories from the past that trouble me from time to time. All I can say is that they do get easier with time. I can well understand that she will be upset if you keep bringing it up with her. Have you tried counselling on a one-to-one basis if you want to talk it over in confidence with someone, or may be a priest, again in confidence? That can help.
> 
> Cognitive behavioural therapy can help learn to manage unwelcome thoughts better.
> 
> ...


I agree with TTDB, its going to take time for you to think about it less. In the meantime sounds like you do need someone to talk to, to work through what you are feeling. can you try some individual counseling?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Not bringing it up is rug-sweeping, bringing it up every minute is dwelling.

As a BS it's normal at first to want talk about it as you need to understand why and you are hurt. Sometimes it's the betrayal and the lies which hurt the most, the typical gas lighting, table turning, down playing damage the marriage. 

She as the WS needs to understand this and let you talk about it as much as you need to. Also, if there are any lingering issues you need to have her clear them up, otherwise you will not heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> Has anybody experienced this and what advice can you offer? I don't want to discuss it with her, as she will think I will never get past it, etc. I believe she is past it, views it as a serious mistake, and really doesn't want to keep bringing it up.


Well, you clearly aren't past it. Some individual counseling may be in order. Might not be best to hide your feelings from her. Both of you likely need honesty and openness in your relationship now. If you feel a compelling need to talk about it with her, try limiting that talk to specific times and otherwise don't mention it until, hopefully your need over time will fade away. If it doesn't then get that professional counseling.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Great advice from all, and thank you. I am seeing an individual counselor, which is very helpful. CBT is the approach, and it's working. 

Also, we had a discussion last night (bad timing on my part, as it ruined a date night dinner!), but the gist of it is that she wants to simply forget it ever happened, move on with our life together, and not dwell on it and bring it up all the time. In her mind, it's over and she has apologized and feels remorse, and has really indicated to me previously that she is very sorry she hurt me. 


Last night was really bad for both of us, didn't sleep much, etc. and we felt like me bringing it up move us backwards significantly. However, I pushed the issue, and we agreed that I will not bring it up again with her - that I will put it behind me and us. If I have to talk about it, I will do so with my therapist. 

I think this is best for me, and although it will be painful on occasion, therapy and time will work in my favor.

Again, thanks. As a guy, though, I have to admit I struggle wanting to reach out to the other guy's wife, and shatter his world the way my has been shattered. Let him experience the pain and hurt that I've been through. I won't do that, as that would likely come back to bite me or my wife, and adversely impact us - but I really want to!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> My wife had a strictly e-mail based emotional affair with someone living in another country. Briefly, they met on a plane, and I had been emotionally neglecting her for quite some time. Thus, they began an email friendship, that quickly led to overt expressions of love, etc. as she was basically getting her emotional needs met by this guy and not me. HNHN's described it perfectly!
> 
> She has shown remorse, eliminated all contact, is embarrassed as this was completely out of character for her, and has questioned her ability to even forgive herself.
> 
> ...


Emotional affairs are a form of infidelity. I suggest you ask the moderators to move this thread to Coping With Infidelity . You will get focused advice on how to deal with this from many folks who have been in your shoes. Unfortunately there are many...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> Great advice from all, and thank you. I am seeing an individual counselor, which is very helpful. CBT is the approach, and it's working.
> 
> Also, we had a discussion last night (bad timing on my part, as it ruined a date night dinner!), but the gist of it is that she wants to simply forget it ever happened, move on with our life together, and not dwell on it and bring it up all the time. In her mind, it's over and she has apologized and feels remorse, and has really indicated to me previously that she is very sorry she hurt me.
> 
> ...


That's rugsweeping, you need to bring her to counseling with you. It's not fair and not healthy that she is asking you to deal with it alone without her. She made the mess, she needs to help you heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## free2bboshay (Jun 5, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> My wife had a strictly e-mail based emotional affair with someone living in another country. Briefly, they met on a plane, and I had been emotionally neglecting her for quite some time. Thus, they began an email friendship, that quickly led to overt expressions of love, etc. as she was basically getting her emotional needs met by this guy and not me. HNHN's described it perfectly!
> 
> She has shown remorse, eliminated all contact, is embarrassed as this was completely out of character for her, and has questioned her ability to even forgive herself.
> 
> ...


Angrybuttrying, I may be the last person to give advice but the one thing that I notice was overlooked by the comments you received is that part where you say you were emotionally neglecting her. that brought this on. No, I do not believe hers was the best way to handle the loneliness that not having your needs met causes, but on the other hand what was she supposed to do? I ask this because I have been on her side of this. I have tried filling that need in Healthy ways but it hasn't worked. What else could she have done? 

After a long time of being neglected how long is long enough for her to get over it now that you have fixed the problem? maybe its the same time line for you to forget your hurt in what she did.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm wondering exactly how and why you're bringing this up, ABT. 

It sounds to me like you're doing this in a way that includes blame and shame. I would encourage you to ask yourself if your ongoing attempts to talk to her are really a way to "prove" just how badly she hurt you. You said how you want to hurt the other guy... why wouldn't you want to hurt her, too? After all, she was half of that scenario. Each time you raise the subject, she's aware of this at some level, and you're "proving" that you want to hurt her, too, because that's what you do - you seek to hurt people who hurt you. What do you suppose that will do to your relationship with her in the long run? 

You already understand her reasons. You were quite articulate about them. So what other possible reason is there for continuing to bring it up with her than to hurt her back?


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

the last few comments are what I like about this site - great comments that provide a lot of food for thought! Thank you.

To answer Kathy...you may be right! Seems like my anger at this situation is resulting in wanting to lash out at others, including my wife. This is certainly wrong to do, and i appreciate your perspective - something I hadn't thought about.

To answer Free2...you also raise good points. I was emotionally neglecting my wife for some time, and I have accepted responsibility for my part in her betrayal. We have discussed that if her needs were being met, then this never would have happened. We have also agreed that this was no excuse to have an EA, but at least we understand my part in it and how that created a vulnerability in our relationship, and she has acknowledged that what she did, while somewhat "understandable," was also wrong and inappropriate.

Again, thanks for the thoughts!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with others in that you have to understand what you're hoping to accomplish by continually bringing it up. Do you still need to understand what happened? Do you need reassurance from her? Are you just looking to browbeat her? If it's option number 3 that will eventually become counterproductive as she will start spending less time with you since she'll expect a browbeating is always right around the corner. If you feel like she's genuinely remorseful and is not doing anything questionable then you need to be very specific about what you need, or the emotional bond will never fully reesablish. It's already damaged from your admitted neglect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Just to add a coda and follow up on some of the later comments.

If you work now on improving your marriage (plenty of advice on this forum on different threads) that will help you avoid neglecting her again and therefore make a recurrence of what has happened less likely. It will also give you some more great and recent good memories which will help distract you from your unhappy ones.

You came to this forum because you love your wife. Show her that. Find out the way in which she likes to be loved and show her your love in that language .


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP head to coping with infidelity section. This stuff is handled better there. An EA is an affair.

My wife had an EA. I got hers early and nuked it just as it ramped up tho.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

angrybuttrying, I can understand how you feel. After confronting my wife over her EA, I thought everything was resolved, she showed remorse, she was embarrassed, I showed her that I would never tolerate anything like that again, she learned about boundaries, brain chemicals, etc. and so forth.....So we decided okay, enough talking about this, let's move on and make our marriage better. Which we have done.

What I didn't foresee, though, is how much I would think about what happened, and wonder what else they talked about that she kept from me, imagined her texting him while I was in bed, did it ever really move to a PA? etc. I kept playing back what our relationship was like when this was going on, etc. In other words, I dwelled on it too much. 

So then I would bring it up from time to time and this would make her mad and snap back at me stuff like, "are you going to bring that up again?" And I have to say, that at some point, she's right. What more do I hope to accomplish by continually bringing it up? There's really nothing more to say, and it's really embarrassing to her to keep re-living that time. She made a huge mistake and we dealt with it and at some point we have to move on and the key is, to make our marriage better. We've done those things, not perfect, but much, much better. 

My advice to you is to make sure she understands emotional affairs. Get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She has to understand the chemical stuff that goes on when you're with someone new. I'm a firm believer that it's not so much what the betrayed spouse has done wrong as the wayward spouse not having firm boundaries and getting a big dose of feel-good chemicals from somebody "new and exciting." Make sure she understands that. If you're convinced that you and her know what you need to know to ensure it doesn't happen again, then move on and don't bring it up again. (Another thing to note is that by continually talking "relationship" you're making yourself less attractive to your wife. Stop dwelling and start doing stuff. Having hobbies and interests is attractive to a woman.)

Also, understand that these thoughts you're having dissipate with time. No, you'll never forget them completely, but the knowledge and understanding you'll gain from learning about this stuff will be worth more than the troublesome thoughts you're feeling now.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Not bringing it up is rug-sweeping, bringing it up every minute is dwelling.
> 
> As a BS it's normal at first to want talk about it as you need to understand why and you are hurt. Sometimes it's the betrayal and the lies which hurt the most, the typical gas lighting, table turning, down playing damage the marriage.
> 
> ...


All good points. However, I just want to caution that too much talk about it can cause him to be unattractive to her. He needs to think in terms of being strong and not weak and needy. I agree that lingering issues have to be cleared up. No loose ends. Then, it's time to move forward to the land of positivity and having fun together as a loving couple.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

To close this thread, thank you to those that responded and offered insights for me to think about. 

I have decided to let it go, having had a "final" conversation with her over the past several days. We have both agreed to put it behind us.

Although I'm sure it will take time and a lot of positive experiences to make this fade into the abyss, that is the right decision for us. I've realized that if I want to bring it up and talk about it, it's for the wrong reasons. I've learned what I need to learn, and can let it go.

Again, thanks for the responses!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Keep yor radar up. You are going to need it.

Hope for the best.


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