# How to be more attentive to my partners needs



## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we bought a house together. We had some bumps in the beginning of our relationship due to the fact that he was separated yet not divorced, same with me. But since then everything has been going well for the most part. He’s very loving, affectionate and attentive to my needs. Always going out of his way to do things for me without me asking. 

This is great, but I guess I am just not wired like this, I’m not a naturally super nurturing person. We’ve been getting into a lot of arguments lately, mostly because he feels that I don’t go out of my way to do things for him. For example, he wanted me to go with him to walk the dogs, it was 12:10 AM, and I am not a night person. I did not get much sleep the night before and just wanted to go to bed so I declined. He was so upset about this, that it was an example of me not doing things with him that he wants to do. And apparently the following day I should’ve offered that we go for a walk together since I turned him down the night before.. I honestly just don’t think about things like this unless someone comes out and says they want to do something. He says I should just suggest things to do during the day that I know he wants to do, even though he’s not saying he wants to do them. that would just show thoughtfulness. 

I thought I was being thoughtful when I bought a house that I didn’t really want, but he wanted it. And put it under my name because my credit was better. Not only that but a fixer-upper when in my previous marriage I had a brand new home. 

I’m 45 years old, it’s really hard to rewire my brain. Any advice on how I can improve this part of myself? I’m getting so stressed out by the fighting and always feeling like I’m disappointing him


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Do the two of you intend to marry?


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Do the two of you intend to marry?


 It’s my understanding that that was the plan, although he has not proposed. . He has often brought up our future wedding. Although I’ve noticed it hasn’t come up in a while and I’m wondering if it’s because of the arguing.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

"I thought I was being thoughtful when I bought a house that I didn’t really want, but he wanted it. And put it under my name because my credit was better. Not only that but a fixer-upper when in my previous marriage I had a brand new home."

1. Making huge credit mistakes
2. Not compromising in a constructive way... building resentment.
3. Already comparing what you have now to what you had before... but not in a good way.

He's saying, "You don't validate me and you're not very loving". You say, "You're too needy".... to summarize and oversimplify things.

Sounds like you're both better off staying a romantic couple that dates, instead of two people intertwining your lives 24/7... which is the truth for most people, IMO.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lynn,

Maybe he is super sensitive to rejection. Maybe he is not as kind as you think. Asking someone to forgo sleep in order to walk the dogs after midnight - strikes me as an odd request. Why did he ask so late? 

There is no way to really say much about your dynamic without a broader overall picture. 

Consider: 
L2: Babe, do you want to walk the dog with me?
Lynn: (in a surprised and annoyed voice) No, you do realize it is after midnight.
Or or or
Lynn: I would love to walk the dog with you - tomorrow after we get home from work. Tonight - sadly - I need sleep more than perambulation....




lynn11374 said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we bought a house together. We had some bumps in the beginning of our relationship due to the fact that he was separated yet not divorced, same with me. But since then everything has been going well for the most part. He’s very loving, affectionate and attentive to my needs. Always going out of his way to do things for me without me asking.
> 
> This is great, but I guess I am just not wired like this, I’m not a naturally super nurturing person. We’ve been getting into a lot of arguments lately, mostly because he feels that I don’t go out of my way to do things for him. For example, he wanted me to go with him to walk the dogs, it was 12:10 AM, and I am not a night person. I did not get much sleep the night before and just wanted to go to bed so I declined. He was so upset about this, that it was an example of me not doing things with him that he wants to do. And apparently the following day I should’ve offered that we go for a walk together since I turned him down the night before.. I honestly just don’t think about things like this unless someone comes out and says they want to do something. He says I should just suggest things to do during the day that I know he wants to do, even though he’s not saying he wants to do them. that would just show thoughtfulness.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Unless you see PROOF POSITIVE that his financial behavior has improved - do not marry him. 

Also: People who are credit challenged due to a single tragic event (health or business failure) are generally very different from people whose credit issues are caused by a pattern of living beyond their means.....



lynn11374 said:


> It’s my understanding that that was the plan, although he has not proposed. . He has often brought up our future wedding. Although I’ve noticed it hasn’t come up in a while and I’m wondering if it’s because of the arguing.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How and when did you meet?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You both need and deserve to read the " 5 love languages" you will find a way for him and he a way for you.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

lynn11374 said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we bought a house together. We had some bumps in the beginning of our relationship due to the fact that he was separated yet not divorced, same with me. But since then everything has been going well for the most part. He’s very loving, affectionate and attentive to my needs. Always going out of his way to do things for me without me asking.
> 
> This is great, but I guess I am just not wired like this, I’m not a naturally super nurturing person. We’ve been getting into a lot of arguments lately, mostly because he feels that I don’t go out of my way to do things for him. For example, he wanted me to go with him to walk the dogs, it was 12:10 AM, and I am not a night person. I did not get much sleep the night before and just wanted to go to bed so I declined. He was so upset about this, that it was an example of me not doing things with him that he wants to do. And apparently the following day I should’ve offered that we go for a walk together since I turned him down the night before.. I honestly just don’t think about things like this unless someone comes out and says they want to do something. He says I should just suggest things to do during the day that I know he wants to do, even though he’s not saying he wants to do them. that would just show thoughtfulness.
> 
> ...


When he asks you to go out for a walk, say, “I’d love to go for a walk with you, but it’s so late right now. How about tomorrow?” Then follow through the next day.

You can secretly calendar doing spontaneous things for him. For example, on Wednesday you’ll give him a massage, and on Friday you’ll send him a loving note/text “just thinking about how much I love you.”


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I remember you, OP. And your thread, boyfriend's inaction on divorce process.

I think before more advice is given, people should read the other thread to understand the boyfriend and this relationship...


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> How and when did you meet?


We met on a dating site a little less than 4 years ago. 

A lot of good points made here, and I do think I could’ve answered him better regarding the midnight walk. I probably just made a face and said “Ugh no, it’s so late!” At the time I think I was irritated with him to begin with. I had asked him if someone had sent him an email that we were waiting for. So he opens up his email, and instead of going right to the email I was asking about to let me know if it came through, he goes one by one through all of his emails, opening them up and reading or deleting them until he eventually gets to the one I’m asking about Even stupid emails that were just ads. When I address this with him his response is “ i’m getting to it, what’s the rush? “

As far as our past, yes it was bumpy like I had mentioned but it has all been resolved so trying to move forward


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

lynn11374 said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we bought a house together. We had some bumps in the beginning of our relationship due to the fact that he was separated yet not divorced, same with me. But since then everything has been going well for the most part. He’s very loving, affectionate and attentive to my needs. Always going out of his way to do things for me without me asking.
> 
> This is great, but I guess I am just not wired like this, I’m not a naturally super nurturing person. We’ve been getting into a lot of arguments lately, mostly because he feels that I don’t go out of my way to do things for him. For example, he wanted me to go with him to walk the dogs, it was 12:10 AM, and I am not a night person. I did not get much sleep the night before and just wanted to go to bed so I declined. He was so upset about this, that it was an example of me not doing things with him that he wants to do. And apparently the following day I should’ve offered that we go for a walk together since I turned him down the night before.. I honestly just don’t think about things like this unless someone comes out and says they want to do something. He says I should just suggest things to do during the day that I know he wants to do, even though he’s not saying he wants to do them. that would just show thoughtfulness.
> 
> ...


Nowhere in your OP do you say you love him, you do say he's loving. Why the wedding? What l see is a Hawk and a rabbit! Which one are you? Be truthful to yourself and to the loving one.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Who the F takes their dog for a full-on walk after midnight? That's weird in itself, much less getting pissy with your SO for not being interested in joining. 

I agree with dadstartingover - most couples in western society would be happier not living together. Especially in middle age and beyond. And, there is nothing wrong with that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You would be well within your rights, @lynn11374 ~ to tell him "to crap, or get off the pot!"

Provided that your love for him has not diminished!

There are a plethora of guys out there who would love to be in his shoes and would be head over heels in love with you!*


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

I too think it’s strange to be walking a dog after midnight. If that his thing I can’t see any reason to be mad that that you’re not up for it. He also can’t expect you to read his mind when it comes to the ways he feels nurtured. He seems to have needs not being met but he’s talking “surface” issues that seem menial and don’t make sense to you (or me) I think you need to go deeper to find what the real issue is.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Thank you for all the guidance. things improve for a while and then took a downward spiral. yesterday I gave permission at 8:30 am for a contractor to come work on the house at 9:30 AM. Boyfriend was upset that I said yes when I was not going to be there and going to work and boyfriend was still sleeping. I knew that my boyfriend had off from work in the morning and this job really needs to get done. He was upset that I didn’t ask his permission. I was irritated at his need to sleep in as a priority over getting the work done. We currently have no heat in our house and the cold weather will be here before we know it. so It ended up being a huge fight with him telling me I am so uncaring and inconsiderate of his time or feelings. He texted me some awful words. We had a long talk where we both agreed to be better communicators, that we both cared about each other.

So I think that all is good and then this morning he is in the kitchen grumbling about how i loaded the dishwasher wrong, how I made my own coffee and didn’t make his first knowing that he had to work this morning. I didn’t even know he wanted coffee and on top of that I am preparing to work as I work from home today so not thinking about what he needs to go to work. so again we end up sniping at each other over it. 

I constantly feel like I’m not good enough to meet his needs and he constantly feels like I don’t care about him or his needs. I do really love this man, he is normally very loving, super affectionate, takes care of my dogs and other things for me. I try to take care of his sexual needs, give him affection, make him dinner and a night or two a week. I make more money than he does so definitely contributing financially. He takes care of a lot of things involving the house renovation. I think he also resents me because he feels like he does more, but he’s the one who wanted this house and I am not really a home renovation kind of person. I do all the laundry, most of the dishes, most of the cleaning although that isn’t much.Make sure there are clean towels, clean sheets on the bed. He always feels like he does more. He accused me of playing the girl card when it came to physical labor like discarding heavy material left over from the home renovation


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Unfortunately, you can't fix broken. This guy has issues that are never going away and will only get worse. Unfortunately I know this from experience.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Yes I think you were right about that. Although I feel like it’s hard not to have issues by the time you’ve reached mid life and are divorced. I want this to work, although not at the expense of my long term well-being. Maybe being single is the answer.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

lynn11374 said:


> Thank you for all the guidance. things improve for a while and then took a downward spiral. yesterday I gave permission at 8:30 am for a contractor to come work on the house at 9:30 AM. Boyfriend was upset that I said yes when I was not going to be there and going to work and boyfriend was still sleeping. I knew that my boyfriend had off from work in the morning and this job really needs to get done. He was upset that I didn’t ask his permission. I was irritated at his need to sleep in as a priority over getting the work done. We currently have no heat in our house and the cold weather will be here before we know it. so It ended up being a huge fight with him telling me I am so uncaring and inconsiderate of his time or feelings. He texted me some awful words. We had a long talk where we both agreed to be better communicators, that we both cared about each other.
> 
> So I think that all is good and then this morning he is in the kitchen grumbling about how i loaded the dishwasher wrong, how I made my own coffee and didn’t make his first knowing that he had to work this morning. I didn’t even know he wanted coffee and on top of that I am preparing to work as I work from home today so not thinking about what he needs to go to work. so again we end up sniping at each other over it.
> 
> I constantly feel like I’m not good enough to meet his needs and he constantly feels like I don’t care about him or his needs. I do really love this man, he is normally very loving, super affectionate, takes care of my dogs and other things for me. I try to take care of his sexual needs, give him affection, make him dinner and a night or two a week. I make more money than he does so definitely contributing financially. He takes care of a lot of things involving the house renovation. I think he also resents me because he feels like he does more, but he’s the one who wanted this house and I am not really a home renovation kind of person. I do all the laundry, most of the dishes, most of the cleaning although that isn’t much.Make sure there are clean towels, clean sheets on the bed. He always feels like he does more. He accused me of playing the girl card when it came to physical labor like discarding heavy material left over from the home renovation


Incomprehensible. 

There's a very basic principle everyone should live by; if you don't like how something is getting done, do it yourself. _You're the one taking all the initiative_ to get things fixed in the _crap house that he wanted_, and he's got the nerve to complain about you getting it done at 8:30am? (oh, and same goes for loading the dishwasher)

Get real! 

You brought the credit, you brought the initiative, and you are bringing all the energy into the relationship. What, pray tell, does he bring?

And to relate to your original question, I am also married to a naturally non-nurturing person, and yes, it can be a challenge at times. But you can throw the question in your OP headline right out the window as that is the least of your worries. He wants you to put up credit for the house he wants, wants you to fix it but only on his schedule, wants you to load the dishwasher, but his way, wants you to do his laundry..... see a pattern here? 

My _teenagers_ behaved better than this. How long do you want to be mommy to a spoiled, entitled development-stunted teenager? 

I think you need to make sure that your finances are not intertwined with his and make sure that house is solidly in your name with no real claim on his part. This is a lot more likely to get messy than it is to get better.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

lynn11374 said:


> Yes I think you were right about that. Although I feel like it’s hard not to have issues by the time you’ve reached mid life and are divorced. I want this to work, although not at the expense of my long term well-being. Maybe being single is the answer. yes


Lynn, l must apologize for my earlier post, this isn't on you as much as it is on him. There is no need for him to be an asshat. And you are seemingly seeking just a normal life. Please accept my apologies.

Tilted


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Incomprehensible.
> 
> There's a very basic principle everyone should live by; if you don't like how something is getting done, do it yourself.


haha, I said exactly this to him last night! his answer to this is that he would then be the one doing everything



> _You're the one taking all the initiative_ to get things fixed in the _crap house that he wanted_, and he's got the nerve to complain about you getting it done at 8:30am? (oh, and same goes for loading the dishwasher)
> 
> Get real!
> 
> You brought the credit, you brought the initiative, and you are bringing all the energy into the relationship. What, pray tell, does he bring?


well he said he ended up spending an hour with the HVAC contractor asking questions because I didn't get the information needed and therefore they weren't putting equipment into the places he wanted it. I don't want it to look like he doesn't do anything because he does do a lot but it's because he's pickier than me about certain things. He does a lot of the things that require literal heavy lifting. He spent a good day last weekend cleaning up the basement, putting up blinds etc... but when it comes to scheduling contractors and following up on communications in a timely manner he does not do that so that's where I step in to take over. he waits days to call people back. 




> I think you need to make sure that your finances are not intertwined with his and make sure that house is solidly in your name with no real claim on his part. This is a lot more likely to get messy than it is to get better.


It's only my name on the mortgage and deed although he has contributed equally to the finances.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

lynn11374 said:


> haha, I said exactly this to him last night! his answer to this is that he would then be the one doing everything
> 
> Well, tell him to get started! Seriously, that is a standard deflection technique. Not helpful, and not intended to be so. It's just demeaning, and should be unacceptable.
> 
> ...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

While I think his behavior is unacceptable, I also think he has some valid points. I would expect you to check with him about the contractor time. Even if he wasn't going to work, he may have needed to be somewhere else (doctor, car repair, etc) and wouldn't be around for the contractor. And with the coffee, I would generally expect the first person to make coffee to make enough for both people. When he makes coffee, does he just make it for himself?

I get the feeling that he has some frustrations about the underlying relationship and it's bubbling up as griping about all these minor things. It does seem like there are some significant incompatibility issues. You seem pretty pragmatic about things. It sounds like he needs a more emotionally-connected and in tune relationship. If you guys are going to make this work, you'll both need to work to figure out a compromise.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

wilson said:


> While I think his behavior is unacceptable, I also think he has some valid points. I would expect you to check with him about the contractor time. Even if he wasn't going to work, he may have needed to be somewhere else (doctor, car repair, etc) and wouldn't be around for the contractor. And with the coffee, I would generally expect the first person to make coffee to make enough for both people. When he makes coffee, does he just make it for himself?
> 
> I get the feeling that he has some frustrations about the underlying relationship and it's bubbling up as griping about all these minor things. It does seem like there are some significant incompatibility issues. You seem pretty pragmatic about things. It sounds like he needs a more emotionally-connected and in tune relationship. If you guys are going to make this work, you'll both need to work to figure out a compromise.


I do believe I could have handled those situations better. with the coffee it's a Keurig and the water needs to heat up in between cups so each cup is a totally separate event. He felt that I should have made his first. but he doesn't always have coffee so that would have been an assumption on my part. He would make a cup for me if the situation was reversed but a)not if we was working and b)I always without question have coffee in the morning

I agree that he has frustrations about the underlying relationship. It's that I am not emotionally in-tune like you said to be able to just take action in the appropriate way that makes him feel cared for. I often wrongly estimate the level of importance certain things are to him, or I make decisions that I think would make him happy but apparently it should have been the other decision, if that makes sense. he says I don't listen to him, that oftentimes I repeat things that he already said which prove I wasn't listening. He often mumbles and rambles in a quiet tone and I am constantly asking him to repeat what he said. that becomes exhausting so there are times I don't and just accept that I missed what he said. but he feels I should always without question ask him to repeat it if I didn't hear it probably. but the way I see it, if you are going to mumble under your breath it's not the other person's responsibility to make sure you are heard and understood.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

lynn11374 said:


> I do believe I could have handled those situations better. with the coffee it's a Keurig and the water needs to heat up in between cups so each cup is a totally separate event. He felt that I should have made his first. but he doesn't always have coffee so that would have been an assumption on my part. He would make a cup for me if the situation was reversed but a)not if we was working and b)I always without question have coffee in the morning
> 
> I agree that he has frustrations about the underlying relationship. It's that I am not emotionally in-tune like you said to be able to just take action in the appropriate way that makes him feel cared for. I often wrongly estimate the level of importance certain things are to him, or I make decisions that I think would make him happy but apparently it should have been the other decision, if that makes sense. he says I don't listen to him, that oftentimes I repeat things that he already said which prove I wasn't listening. He often mumbles and rambles in a quiet tone and I am constantly asking him to repeat what he said. that becomes exhausting so there are times I don't and just accept that I missed what he said. but he feels I should always without question ask him to repeat it if I didn't hear it probably. but the way I see it, if you are going to mumble under your breath it's not the other person's responsibility to make sure you are heard and understood.


As I mentioned before, my wife is also not the emotionally in tune type. She is eminently practical and that often keeps her tuned out of the emotional side of things. 

Over the past year or so, she has been making a major effort to get more emotionally in tune. The decision to do so, and the tools to do so, came on the heels of some IC with personality testing/analysis and some MC which I initiated. If you're serious about doing what you can, some counseling may be helpful.... although I have to add that your boyfriend needs much the same


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

lynn11374 said:


> with the coffee it's a Keurig and the water needs to heat up in between cups so each cup is a totally separate event.


You have a Keurig and he got upset?! Ok, nevermind then. He's being unreasonable about that. That gives a huge insight into his way of thinking. I can't imagine getting that upset over something so trivial. I could see if it was coffee maker, french press, or something where making coffee for both people is about the same trouble for one. If he's in a hurry to get to work, he should have pressed the button earlier in the morning or even asked you nicely to do it if you happened to be in the kitchen.

Make sure you look at this relationship from the outside and make reasonable decisions. You shouldn't have to make all the compromises to make him happy with his unreasonable demands. Some things should be worked out, but some things are him having unrealistic expectations about how devoted you will be to meet his every need.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The problem isn’t that you’re not attentive enough.

The problem is that you should dump this guy and haven’t realized it yet.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he's not willing to make changes (and many people aren't) then you'll ultimately have a choice to make.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I remember your thread from two years ago. At that time, you mentioned that your bf thought his way was the right way. Apparently that hasn't changed. And you're still dealing with it.

He's not going to change. I don't see this as ending happily-ever-after.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marduk said:


> The problem isn’t that you’re not attentive enough.
> 
> The problem is that you should dump this guy and haven’t realized it yet.


Yep. The boyfriend seems like the type that takes everything as a slight. It's unbecoming on a woman, and at the risk of making a very sexist comment, it's almost even more unbecoming on a man, because it's very unmanly.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Yep. The boyfriend seems like the type that takes everything as a slight. It's unbecoming on a woman, and at the risk of making a very sexist comment, it's almost even more unbecoming on a man, because it's very unmanly.


I know my wife would lose all interest in me if I was so easily inured, and "not manly" is exactly why.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lynn11374 said:


> I do believe I could have handled those situations better. with the coffee it's a Keurig and the water needs to heat up in between cups so each cup is a totally separate event. He felt that I should have made his first.


Good God, he's still acting like a weapons grade ass-hole, I see.

What's the payoff for having *pandered *to this ass-clown for the last 4 years? There *has *to be a payoff for investing in some crappy house you didn't really want but HE wanted so you blew off your own feelings and as usual, gave the child what he wanted. Even NOW you've been reduced to having to DEFEND yourself for why you didn't make His Highness's coffee before you made your own. So what's the payoff for putting up with his nonsense? Does he look like Brad Pitt? Is he in line to inherit millions of dollars? Is he on the verge of discovering the cure for cancer? Is he predicted to be our next President?

There HAS to be a payoff or you would have *left* this fool a long time ago.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

From everything I have read in psychology books, relationship arguments boil down to someone having low self confidence:



lynn11374 said:


> I constantly feel like I’m not good enough to meet his needs and he constantly feels like I don’t care about him or his needs.


When one of the two of you have low self confidence it can serve to bring you both down. The good news is that when one of you work on improving your self confidence that it serves to help both of you improve. 

Odds are that it is him struggling with his own self confidence and that manifests itself into you feeling inadequate. It can create an awkward spiral that can get out of control until one of you does something to stop it. You have to calmly confront each other about this and work together as a team to help each other in a loving and caring way. Meanwhile letting yourself get upset and snapping at each other only serves to dig a deeper hole.

According to statistics 50% of couples find this situation unsolvable. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@badsanta has a great response imho.

If my W would only do everything I say (sigh).

😂😂😂 

Just kidding. No relationship has everyone doing everything everytime anything is asked.
🤣🤣🤣


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your bf doesn't sound any more caring or mindful of your needs than he did when you went toe-to-toe with him to divorce his crazy ex wife.

The thing is, you are complaining about the fixer-upper you bought with your good credit because he wanted it. The thing is, you did something you did not want to do. Granted, relationships are about compromise. But they are not about comprise that makes one resentful.

This is a crappy relationship. Sorry. You can come on here and vent and complain all you want. This is just a dysfunctional, basically unsatisfying relationship. He's so mindful of your needs? HUH??? He's ticked off you didn't brew his coffee first. He's whining because a contractor came too early for his liking and woke him up from his beauty sleep.

Jeesh, I just don't understand people who get into relationships that are what I call YES-BUT relationships: He's a GREAT guy, *but* he complains a lot. She's a GREAT gal, *but *she's always nitpicking. Blah, blah, blah.

When I read about relationships like this, I can only shake my head and wonder WTF is wrong with the person posting. Because this relationship sounds like total crap to me. Oh, yeah, I know I know … BUT he's such a GREAT buy. Meh. He's a jerk.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Most of the time it feels like he is really great guy. When I’m working from home, he’ll bring me my breakfast. He makes sure I take my vitamins every night. He without asking takes me to and picks me up from the airport when I have to travel for work. he picks up the dogs prescriptions. He fixes my car for me. Sex is amazing, he’s very very affectionate and makes me feel loved. he normally is very attentive and loving. But when he feels like I am acting in a way that I am not caring or considerate of him is when things go south. and like I said in the start of this thread, I am not as nurturing of a person as he is so there is some validity to it. It’s just that when it happens things get SO ugly. 

There was a bigger house that we were considering buying before this one. Twice the size. We went through the whole process of negotiating with the agent and the buyer accepted the offer. I realized that this would be a huge undertaking both time and financially and I backed out the last minute. In hindsight this was definitely the right decision. He wouldn’t speak to me for days and threatened a breakup because I blindsided him with that decision. It was Thanksgiving and we were supposed to go to my sisters, and he says he was not going. I ended staying home as well because of that. We can’t even handle this little house we have, cannot imagine what that would’ve been like!






Prodigal said:


> Your bf doesn't sound any more caring or mindful of your needs than he did when you went toe-to-toe with him to divorce his crazy ex wife.
> 
> The thing is, you are complaining about the fixer-upper you bought with your good credit because he wanted it. The thing is, you did something you did not want to do. Granted, relationships are about compromise. But they are not about comprise that makes one resentful.
> 
> ...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> When I read about relationships like this, I can only shake my head and wonder WTF is wrong with the person posting. Because this relationship sounds like total crap to me. Oh, yeah, I know I know … BUT he's such a GREAT buy. Meh. He's a jerk.


LOL...and the OP did NOT let you down @Prodigal. The OP sang the "BUT he's a great guy!" song about Prince Charming exactly as you'd predicted.....









OP, I'm going to be very blunt. You're in your mid-40's and I'm willing to bet that you have such little self esteem that you think *this* ass-clown is your last whistle stop. You think he's your LAST chance to snag a man, and if you let him go, then you'll never get another one and die an old maid. So you've continually lowered the bar for him and his ignorant, childish behavior - over and over and over and over. I think that's also why you continually delude yourself into thinking this fool is worth a tinker's damn (as my grandma used to say) when he isn't. It would be the very *height *of naivete if you think that your income - higher than his - was *not* one the reasons Prince Charming 'choose' you as a girlfriend. He's not stupid. I'm willing to bet income was VERY much a factor. 

I'm SO sorry he's feeling so _neglected_. But he sure does depend on *your* paycheck to help him buy houses that he can't afford on his own and I'm willing to bet he's probably managed to manipulate you into buying other things for him as well that you haven't posted about. So really, how _neglected_ can Mr. Wonderful really be? Just tell him that you're too busy at work out-earning his sorry ass to dedicate more time to pandering to him. Is a throat punch considered a form of affection? 

It's such a shame you don't think you can do better.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> There was a bigger house that we were considering buying before this one. Twice the size. We went through the whole process of negotiating with the agent and the buyer accepted the offer. I realized that this would be a huge undertaking both time and financially and I backed out the last minute. In hindsight this was definitely the right decision. He wouldn’t speak to me for days and threatened a breakup because I blindsided him with that decision. It was Thanksgiving and we were supposed to go to my sisters, and he says he was not going. I ended staying home as well because of that. We can’t even handle this little house we have, cannot imagine what that would’ve been like!


I rest my case. This is not how a "great" guy behaves. Sure, I can understand him being mad, but threatening to end the relationship and then deciding to sit home for days and pout about it …. SMH.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, he pushed buying a house together long before he was divorced. Now I understand why. You were the Golden Ticket. 

This is who he is so I wouldn't expect him to change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynn11374 said:


> Thank you for all the guidance. things improve for a while and then took a downward spiral. yesterday I gave permission at 8:30 am for a contractor to come work on the house at 9:30 AM. Boyfriend was upset that I said yes when I was not going to be there and going to work and boyfriend was still sleeping. I knew that my boyfriend had off from work in the morning and this job really needs to get done. He was upset that I didn’t ask his permission. I was irritated at his need to sleep in as a priority over getting the work done. We currently have no heat in our house and the cold weather will be here before we know it. so It ended up being a huge fight with him telling me I am so uncaring and inconsiderate of his time or feelings. He texted me some awful words. We had a long talk where we both agreed to be better communicators, that we both cared about each other.
> 
> So I think that all is good and then this morning he is in the kitchen grumbling about how i loaded the dishwasher wrong, how I made my own coffee and didn’t make his first knowing that he had to work this morning. I didn’t even know he wanted coffee and on top of that I am preparing to work as I work from home today so not thinking about what he needs to go to work. so again we end up sniping at each other over it.
> 
> I constantly feel like I’m not good enough to meet his needs and he constantly feels like I don’t care about him or his needs. I do really love this man, he is normally very loving, super affectionate, takes care of my dogs and other things for me. I try to take care of his sexual needs, give him affection, make him dinner and a night or two a week. I make more money than he does so definitely contributing financially. He takes care of a lot of things involving the house renovation. I think he also resents me because he feels like he does more, but he’s the one who wanted this house and I am not really a home renovation kind of person. I do all the laundry, most of the dishes, most of the cleaning although that isn’t much.Make sure there are clean towels, clean sheets on the bed. He always feels like he does more. He accused me of playing the girl card when it came to physical labor like discarding heavy material left over from the home renovation


He sounds exactly like my narcissistic, insecure husband. Always counting who does what, who does more, asking me what I've gotten done, complaining that I'm not loving enough, pouting if I don't give enough sex, telling me I just want him for his money (he's driven us into $200K debt), and that he should just drive off a bridge since nobody cares about him.

He was always expecting things at odd hours because that's HIS biorhythm. I finally had to tell him that I would no longer help him with anything beyond 10pm; he was constantly just goofing off or watching tv until 10 and only then getting to work on his work stuff, which he expected me to sit by his side and help him with. My brain shuts off at 10pm and I can't even think, let alone help after that. Now that I've put my foot down, that stops for the most part; you may want to look at some rules like that.

Bottomline, it sounds like he's constantly 'assessing' you to see if you're proving yourself sufficiently. That is a CORE issue of who he is and it will only get worse. I'd be telling him you want to see a couples counselor to get to the root of it. Cos it ain't gonna get better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lynn11374 said:


> Most of the time it feels like he is really great guy. When I’m working from home, he’ll bring me my breakfast. He makes sure I take my vitamins every night. He without asking takes me to and picks me up from the airport when I have to travel for work. he picks up the dogs prescriptions. He fixes my car for me. Sex is amazing, he’s very very affectionate and makes me feel loved. he normally is very attentive and loving. But when he feels like I am acting in a way that I am not caring or considerate of him is when things go south. and like I said in the start of this thread, I am not as nurturing of a person as he is so there is some validity to it. It’s just that when it happens things get SO ugly.


His love language is acts of service. Yours ISN'T. And you have to have a conversation about that, about the fact that you can't turn into someone who DOES do acts of service. In other words, he needs to get over it and appreciate how you DO show love. 

As for getting ugly, this again is something you have control over. Set a boundary. "I won't interact with you when you criticize me in a nasty way. If you do it anyway, I'm leaving the room until you can have a respectful conversation." And if he continues, repeat what you said and leave.the.room. If he picks it up again when you return 15 minutes later, repeat what you said and go for a 30-minute walk. If he's laying in wait to attack you again when you return, get the keys and go to the mall or something for a few hours. If he does it again when you get back, pack a bag and go stay at a hotel for the night. Then two nights. Then three. Continue to ask him if he's ready to be respectful so he ties the consequence to the boundary he crossed. He'll eventually learn to start respecting you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> His love language is acts of service. Yours ISN'T. And you have to have a conversation about that, about the fact that you can't turn into someone who DOES do acts of service. In other words, he needs to get over it and appreciate how you DO show love.


I don't think this is how the love languages are supposed to work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't think this is how the love languages are supposed to work.


Maybe not. But until he gets some education and learns to stop expecting her to twist into a pretzel to become what HE wants without being willing (or aware) that he needs to do the same, she needs to stop bending over backwards to please him because, clearly, it's never enough.


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