# For those that are BS..are you more jealous now?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I find that I am .....even when we are watching tv or a movie and a really attractive women comes on..I find myself thinking what does he think of her..does he find her hot, etc. etc. As well if we are out somewhere and I see an attractive woman coming our way I find myself thinking I hope he doesn't notice her, etc. etc. 

Because H had an EA with an asian lady it is worse if I see an attractive asian woman because then I think is he thinking about her, we were at a home show about a month ago and there was an attractive asian lady and I saw him glance at her..this set me off and I started to act differently toward him..pissed off and sulky...

It is ridiculous....we were wandering around an electronics store the other day and there was a movie on the screen and he stopped and watched it for a bit and it had Megan Fox in it and I started to feel those jealous insecure feelings in me..and it's like get a grip who cares. Before I never would have really cared and now it just bugs the heck out of me. 

I feel like a paranoid insecure idiot. I so much want to be a confident woman who takes care of herself (which I do..I work out, etc.) yet I find that I feel insecure now.

Anybody else experience this?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, you really do have some fresh triggers. Especially the Asian girl thing----that one may take quite a while to shake. But you have extended the trigger to include ALL women. How long ago did this happen? Was you H remorseful? I think it is normal to have these feelings. You don't have to act on them, but that is so much easier said than done.

Does he treat you well now, hold you, show you affection, his appreciation?

This is what the cheaters don't get, all the fallout they force their partner to endure. I hope your H is understanding and making you feel loved.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He is remorseful he knows it was stupid and is embarrassed about it. It will be just about 6 months to DDay. 

I know it sounds so stupid but I am hoping that with time I will learn to have better control over my emotions and not overreact. He always tells me that I tend to think about all of these things in my head and paint a picture with assumptions, etc. and I admit I do that. I tend to get all worked up in my mind then take it out on him. I will focus on the negative and think that he is thinking this and that, etc. etc....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, my brain does wonderful stuff like that too. I have decided that I don't care any more. I like looking at well built men (and women too actually) and I know what goes on in my own brain when I find someone else attractive. Assuming similar stuff is going on in his brain, I'm fine with it.

When something triggers me (for me it's Filipino women - that's who he went after) (and also Western Union money transfer signs, among others) I have started envisioning a giant eraser that is erasing the negativity from my brain (someone on here suggested that actually). It's been working great.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

highwood said:


> He is remorseful he knows it was stupid and is embarrassed about it. It will be just about 6 months to DDay.
> 
> I know it sounds so stupid but I am hoping that with time I will learn to have better control over my emotions and not overreact. He always tells me that I tend to think about all of these things in my head and paint a picture with assumptions, etc. and I admit I do that. I tend to get all worked up in my mind then take it out on him. I will focus on the negative and think that he is thinking this and that, etc. etc....


Its not stupid at all, and I think time does help with this kind of thing. Don't be so hard on yourself. Anyone would feel this way. 

Maybe when you first start having these kind of thoughts you could tell him "I need your love right now" and put your arms around him? Don't even talk about why. Let your marriage heal you if you have decided to stay.

Unless you don't feel ready to do this, in which case you should not try it at all. Just thinking of what would help me. Someday.

I still can't bring myself to hold my H, even though I want to badly, because it just hurts so much still after only one month. But I hope to be able to soon.

I am sorry you are going through this.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

*He always tells me that I tend to think about all of these things in my head and paint a picture with assumptions, etc. and I admit I do that. I tend to get all worked up in my mind then take it out on him.*

Yes, this is called triggers and mind movies, and HE PUT THEM THERE. Of course you are going to get all worked up and upset!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks ladies! Some great tips..I will try them.
Yes, H.'s EA she was filipino as well. 

Soemtimes I want him to experience what I am...I want him to wonder what I am doing and if I am communciating for talking to someone else, etc.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

We had a false reconciliation for the last 12 years.

It all came crushing down two months ago. I don't have a clue about another affair during those last twelve years.

It is just that, I realised, where my wife puts me in her life is not where I want to be, I deserved to be.

Now suddenly, I am more jealous/angry about every man she had, even the ones she had before we met, let alone any new guy.

I used to be very relaxed about her opposite sex friends, xlovers. Now she has to adjust herself to living with a psycho-jealous-crazy husband. 

She knows that I am at the and of my rope and looking for a little encouragment to take everything to hell.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> Soemtimes I want him to experience what I am...I want him to wonder what I am doing and if I am communciating for talking to someone else, etc.


This is very understandable, but unless you plan on cheating on him and making sure he finds out, he never will experience it. He has to WANT to try his damndest to understand, though. There are a lot of things you could copy and paste to him in an email, if you poke around here enough, or print off for him to read


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

This forum and the damn acronyms.....

What the hell doe BS stand for? Where I come from that stands for bullsh!t.

"I'm BS and my DH and I had an R after IC because my WS had an EA with the OW."

lol......


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I find the acronyms here confusing sometimes too. I call the betrayed spouse the BS and the wayward spouse the WS but some people use DS for one of them and I can never remember what the D is for.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> This forum and the damn acronyms.....
> 
> What the hell doe BS stand for? Where I come from that stands for bullsh!t.
> 
> ...


I'm a betrayed spouse and my disloyal husband and I had a reconciliation after individual counseling because my wayward spouse had an emotional affair with the other woman-----that took forever to type!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

DH is disloyal husband?? Who knew. I thought it was DEAR husband.

But you answered my question about the D anyway - thanks!


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Haa, haa. 

It is fun to see even Americans are getting confused about acronymising. 

I think Americans OverAcronymise sometimes but it makes written communication more efficient in general.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I certainly evaluate her behavior with a more critical eye... does that translate to "I'm more jealous?" I dunno.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

highwood, your betrayal is still fairly fresh, so the triggers are normal. As time goes on, these will be less acute, but they may never go away entirely. Your ability to trust has been damaged, and will take time to repair. Be sure you're taking care of yourself physically as well as emotionally. Some degree of emotional detachment is necessary; ie, your happiness is not dependent on him. Discuss w/ him what these triggers are. His looking at other women in your presence is simply callous, and you should call him on it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not jealous at all surprisingly, and this is my second go 'round with my cheating STBXW in eighteen years!!

In fact, I'm hoping she'll move to San Diego to go be with her lover for two reasons:

1) So I won't have to run into her sorry a*s when I'm doing my daily business here in the small city we live in.

2) To make sure that the college boys in this town are not taken advantage of by yet another divorced middle-aged cougar. 

I mean... I do have a civic responsibility.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Jealous? hmm,not sure about that one.After wifes three month EA,(found out 5 weeks ago) hurts still yeah but jealous,dont feel that,never have had that feeling.....weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Jealous? hmm,not sure about that one.After wifes three month EA,(found out 5 weeks ago) hurts still yeah but jealous,dont feel that,never have had that feeling.....weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What? Me jealous?? No way. Now that I'm single, if I date a lady and find her ogling other guys, I can hardly notice since I'm already doing the same with attractive ladies after two dates.One had to be possessive to acquire jealousy, and that just no longer is me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hypervigilant in the beginning? Yes. Jealous? No. I know for a fact I could move on without her.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

The first time he left me, in 2003, I was bat shiit crazy jealous! I was freaking bonkers. Well, I was also pregnant and thought it rather unfair that OW should get to have my husband while I was carrying our child. Now this second time around of him leaving (we are divorced now almost 9 months) I have NO jealousy now. He lies, he cheats, he manipulates people, and he absolutely no concern for others. If someone else wants that, they are welcome to it, for I sure as heckers don't want it.


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