# New here...need help...



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm confused...
I have a passive aggressive husband who walked out on me a gazillion times well...since we've been together. We've been married over two years. He runs to his parents. 
My confusion is learning about passive aggression isn't it usually the PA doesn't 'want' the co-dependant one to leave? So that part is confussing with all the reading I've been doing. :scratchhead: Otherwise yes, he's the classic fit's the bill to a T passive aggressive...counseling/meds didn't help. He even became a Christian and that didn't help. I've become the co-dependant 'never been alone' kicked dog that went back for more...type. 
This time though...he's pushing the divorce...wants his stuff...'now'...and 'now'...he's back at the gym... getting massages...yadda yadda..
He's left me with a lake house that needs maintanence and debt up to my eyeballs...we owe more on the house than it will ever sell...I could go on and on... the hardest part is...I work with him. I have to see him at work...and 'no' I can't just go get another job. And yes at times we have to be 'close' to each other...he laughs and jokes and just enjoys himself...has no sorrow or pain...
I realize I sound pathetic...this is all new to me because it's not just one of his...walking outs...he actually 'left me'... he knows I'm in pain...I try not to be...but I am only human...I just don't get it.. He's an only child...his dad is another passive agressive...treats his mom like crap...his mom is financially dependant and can't ever leave...her complaint's and words mean nothing...my husband just goes there...and watches more of ...of what 'he' is...
dayum....when does the pain stop? does it ever? do people ever recover? I work with him... holy ****... i get so ill...


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Obviously I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I worked with mine too. I can tell you that finding another job is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. I took one a few states away and will be moving soon. Having to. Work with him through this process would be hell. 

As for how he is acting happy and such, remember that it is pretty easy to "act". When you are around he is showing you the version of him he wants you to see. Happy and secure with his decision.

Start focusing on you and look to move on with your life. With how he is acting, that is your best bet to finding happiness in my opinion.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

agree with lost, the best you can do is start focusing on yourself. I know its hard to do when you are codependent but putting your needs first is the best thing you can do for yourself. Other than that it will just take time. If possible get another job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

can't get a new job...it's not an option. no moving...not at this point either...i'm stuck when it comes to that...just sayin'...I am tho. 

anyone out there know about passive aggressives?


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

You don't really tell us much about your history and what's going on except to label your x. If he's tried to separate in the past and this time it's sticking then you need to heed his actions and do what you can to move in with your life. That means talking to a lawyer and planning a near future that doesn't include sharing a daily work environment with him. 

The only "not an option" here is that you most certainly won't be able to move forward when you're chained to the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"? It's pretty good and it covers passive aggressive control tactics a bit.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

moxy said:


> Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"? It's pretty good and it covers passive aggressive control tactics a bit.


nooo i haven't...

sure wish i knew about this book when we were together...
daaang... :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Even if you're not together any more, it's worth reading. It will help you make sense of what you've done to enable this in your own life. I found it helpful.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

PA is roughly 'expressing aggression in non-assertive, subtle ways'
or ' indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them'

Like when a guy walks around the place moping or acting negative because he did something for you and expected a reward in return and it never came. Basically showing lots of resentment for something you didn't do that he expected from you. Even though he never openly asked you too.

Purposely not doing things you ask or doing bad things to 'get back' at you. Giving you the 'cold shoulder', making hostile off hand comments disguised as jokes.

Passive Aggresives usually all see themselves as the victim.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

In other words, my STBXH.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And I agree with the recommendation on the Lundy Bancroft book. One of the best on the subject.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

NoWhere said:


> Passive Aggresives usually all see themselves as the victim.


I always saw them as pouty,petulant children.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> nooo i haven't...
> 
> sure wish i knew about this book when we were together...
> daaang... :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


get "codependent no more" as well. the issue is more about why you stayed in and are wanting to stay in an abusive relationship. if you were healthy you would have left a long time ago IMO. it excruciating I know but you have to let him go, not good for you, and really work on yourself. you can't bring on passengers when there are holes in your boat.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Yes. Melody Beatty , I believe, who wrote "Codependent No More"? It's a good read.

Also, "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I loved The Gifts of Imperfection, too!


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