# Military Husband deployed (I need help)



## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

Well I have messed up kinda bad here. I'm new to this forum, But I know I needed a website with marriage insight to help me better understand myself and marriage.

I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan. I have been with my wife for 10 years now. Married for 2. I have a 9 year old daughter, with my wife that I love very deeply. This is my second deployment to Afghanistan. The last time I was here I got the opportunity to see my wife on web cam masturbating, showing me pics of her body, and must admit I got a little spoiled. At that time we were not married yet. But now this is my second deployment and my wife is prude. She has only show me anything but a couple of times. She actually told me one day to "go masturbate by myself cause I didn't need her for that" understandable, but that hurt a little bit. I must admit I'm a very sexual demanding partner, but always has been. 

Before I got deployed I was already sexually frustrated with our marriage. Don't get me wrong the sex is good. However, now its become typical and routine. I'm the only one who has brought toys and lingerie into the bedroom. I have told her time and time again my fantasies. Even gone over roll playing, she shows little to no interest when I talk about role playing and dress up. I have even asked her for her fantasy. Discussion have turn into arguments over the things I want, Anal being one of them. I have no limits sexually because she is my wife. She has a lot of boundaries. Sad, but boundaries that she has done with other men but haven't with me. Before deploying I gave up on anything I wanted to do sexually with my wife. 

Now deployed again I feel like thing were better with our sex life before we were married. Recently I got upset, and lied about getting other women on line to show me there bodies in a desperate attempt to get thing back the way they were on my last deployment. But it blew up in my face. She took her vaginal piercing out claiming to never have sex with me again. I told her it was a lie, and it made it worst now shes mad at me for playing games with her. I even told her why I did it, it just doesn't register with her. what do I do? Wait for it to blow over and just be content with our sex life for the rest of our lives? Or watch porn, and fantasize?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I hear you, bro. I'm a contractor on my fourth deployment.

First, be careful with porn. It sets up unrealistic expectations, in my opinion.

Second, try more of an emotional/romantic connection with her. I miss you, I love you so much, etc.

Third, try some fantasy role playing things with her - let her play the role of the Other Woman, you the Other Man.


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

I have done most of that, even though with the role playing she doesn't show that she wants to. I bring it up, and its like a what ever attitude.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you cheated, gave her trickle truth and are more concerned over not having sex with her again than trying to help her heal from the huge breech of trust you have made


don't you not see the real problem here?

I suggest you read the newbie link in my signature, there are many things a cheating spouse needs to do in order to repair that broken trust, especially look at the third post in the thread and th epart of what a wayward spouse should do


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

You can't minimize the effect of fatigue and worry on her; stress kills libido.

Not to raise your stress level, but could there be a Jody in the picture? I had that problem, after we were both kind of burned out by my absences.

When do you get back?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I must be missing something here. I don't see where he cheated?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> I must be missing something here. I don't see where he cheated?


you know what, rereading this I may be misunderstanding what he is saying so perhaps he can clarify





MakeItTo30 said:


> Recently I got upset, and lied about getting other women on line to show me there bodies in a desperate attempt to get thing back the way they were on my last deployment.



did he lie about having contact with women (didnt do it but said he did) or had contact with women and lied about it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Even without adding dishonesty to the equation, deployments are hard on marriages. She's weathered two deployments for you. I honestly think that in many ways, they are harder on those we leave behind. I did two in Iraq. Keep the lines of communication open and try to be as understanding and loving as you can but don't try to get into any heavy relationship rebuilding from a war zone. Concentrate on getting yourself and your buddies home as sane and whole as you can. Take her to one of those marriage retreats when you get back. Learn from this experience. Right now, she only has your words. You've used yours to try to pressure her into activities she's uncomfortable with. You've also used your words to deceive her (for whatever reason). She needs to believe everything that comes out of your mouth. She's also lonely. She's also horny. As far as you know she's being as faithful as a nun so treat her with the respect she's earned. She's a helluva lot more than a vaginal piercing or a collection of interesting body parts. You feel that you need sexual release and I'm sure you do but I bet what you need most is intimate contact with your wife. I would have given anything just to transport myself back home for a couple hours with my wife, even if we just pulled weeds in the garden together or just talked. It's great that you're receptive to all sorts of sexual acts but she isn't right now. Her boundaries are also your's. Getting what you want from sex isn't your job. That's her's. Your job is to give her what she needs, sexually. The more you take care of her the more likely she'll take care of you. In any case, a woman who weathers two combat deployments can't be replaced by an anonymous naked woman on the internet. You were wrong to give her that impression. Threats really have no place in a marriage. Threats of infidelity are probably the most damaging. Right now, keep your head in the game and get home in one piece. You have the rest of your life to make nice with your wife.


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

No I never had contact with any women, I lied about the whole thing hoping it will change her attitude.

But Unbelievable, I like your post your right. But I think I might be selfish but I'm a front line troop so I don't even see women. She could cheat on me, and I could not know it. And like I said its been this way ever since we gotten married. Last deployment it was totally different.


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

Oh yeah I get back later this year


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Winged monkeys could fly from her butt and you wouldn't know that, either. Right now, you have no reason to believe that's happening or that she's had an affair. You've got enough on your plate, so why paint the devil on the wall?


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

Truthfully I don't think she cheating, And I think that why she is so mad about it. but I feel like I had to do that to get her attention and that's just as sad as lying. Not to justify is cause it was wrong I know that. But she don't even understand where I'm coming from. Like I said it was different before, now its a big deal to please me visually. i think sometimes before your married women are trying to get you. After your married women got you, so now you don't have to try and keep him. And as far as sex goes, I'm might just say screw it, and deal with the fact that sex for me is as exactly what it is, sex.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Even without adding dishonesty to the equation, deployments are hard on marriages. She's weathered two deployments for you. I honestly think that in many ways, they are harder on those we leave behind. I did two in Iraq. Keep the lines of communication open and try to be as understanding and loving as you can but don't try to get into any heavy relationship rebuilding from a war zone. Concentrate on getting yourself and your buddies home as sane and whole as you can. Take her to one of those marriage retreats when you get back. Learn from this experience. Right now, she only has your words. You've used yours to try to pressure her into activities she's uncomfortable with. You've also used your words to deceive her (for whatever reason). She needs to believe everything that comes out of your mouth. She's also lonely. She's also horny. As far as you know she's being as faithful as a nun so treat her with the respect she's earned. She's a helluva lot more than a vaginal piercing or a collection of interesting body parts. You feel that you need sexual release and I'm sure you do but I bet what you need most is intimate contact with your wife. I would have given anything just to transport myself back home for a couple hours with my wife, even if we just pulled weeds in the garden together or just talked. It's great that you're receptive to all sorts of sexual acts but she isn't right now. Her boundaries are also your's. Getting what you want from sex isn't your job. That's her's. Your job is to give her what she needs, sexually. The more you take care of her the more likely she'll take care of you. *In any case, a woman who weathers two combat deployments can't be replaced by an anonymous naked woman on the internet. You were wrong to give her that impression. Threats really have no place in a marriage. Threats of infidelity are probably the most damaging*. Right now, keep your head in the game and get home in one piece. You have the rest of your life to make nice with your wife.




I suggest that when you redeploy, you seek out counseling & your wife seek out a sex therapist.
She obviously had no problem fulfilling your sexual needs before, so there is more to what is going on then her simply saying "not any more."

I'm of the mind set that when it comes to sex, you don't stop doing something your SO likes for no reason, unless you want to punish them. 
Maybe that's what she's doing.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

My apologies for the mix up


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## MakeItTo30 (May 28, 2012)

My head stays in the game no matter what... This is my second deployment in a rough area. But When I get back to the room I wind down. And calling my wife and wanting to get sexual is a awesome way to do that. But like I said it was all good before we got married, now its a problem. even before I got here she didn't want to spice up the bed room even after I told her about it.


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