# Getting divorced after 39 years



## smiley123 (May 31, 2013)

After many years of unhappiness I finally got the courage to file for a divorce about three weeks ago. He is taking it pretty hard which makes me feel terrible. Tomorrow morning he is going to our oldest son’s and stay until he figures out what to do. My question for you all is do you think I’m out of line to ask for his keys to the condo? I just don’t want him waltzing in any old time he wants, even though he said he would call before coming to get the rest of his stuff. TIA


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

smiley123 said:


> After many years of unhappiness I finally got the courage to file for a divorce about three weeks ago. He is taking it pretty hard which makes me feel terrible. Tomorrow morning he is going to our oldest son’s and stay until he figures out what to do. *My question for you all is do you think I’m out of line to ask for his keys to the condo?* I just don’t want him waltzing in any old time he wants, even though he said he would call before coming to get the rest of his stuff. TIA


Nope, but if you want your divorce to be amicable, that may indeed damage relations.

It depends really, like, with ex-wife it was very amicable, the trust was still there, is still there so I wouldn't do that but that's just me.


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## bethebetterman (Apr 5, 2018)

tricky. 

it's his house too. He has done you a favour by moving out. He has said he will call ahead when he comes to get his stuff so he is being understanding and reasonable in the circumstances. If you ask him for his keys he is likely to get angry because you are throwing his reasonable actions back in his face. 

Is there a reason you believe he might come in unannounced? Would that really be a huge issue right now? 

If you are worried for your safety that's different. If you are protecting your privacy i can understand that but it's still not going to play well with STBXH. 

Why not see how it goes. Once he has collected his stuff there's no reason for him to keep the key so asking for it back might be less of a kick in the face for him. Make sure there are others around to help him move his stuff when he comes. It will be full of emotional triggers for him and having an audience will help keep things on an even keel. If he won't give the key back don't make it into an argument. Just change the locks.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Given the magnitude of the situation that you're in with him, and being that you went ahead and filed for divorce, I would have been the one to do the moving out, leaving him with the condo!

Logic being that if you get your own place, then you can fully control the "key issue" without any discernible interference from him!*


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

39 years is a long time.

Can I ask you to give us some back ground as why you were so unhappy in your marriage?


So sorry for you on one hand but happy for you on the other hand!


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## smiley123 (May 31, 2013)

Yes, it’s his place too but I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 4 years since he retired. I finally couldn’t take it any longer that he wouldn’t get up out of the recliner and do anything. Refused to get a part-time job or even volunteer. I was concerned about my safety at first until we went to a counselor and he assured both of us he wouldn’t do anything to harm me or himself. I guess I just don’t feel comfortable with him still having the keys.


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## smiley123 (May 31, 2013)

I wanted to stay in the condo we rent and besides he couldn’t afford it on what little social security he gets


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It is neither your place or his...it is a rental. If I were you I would move just for a fresh start.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, yes...

Give him the recliner. Have it delivered.

So as to give him a place to rest his potato, his three-toed sloth.

....................................................................................

I suspect he will suspect...

Suspect that a man, another man may behind the green door.
An active man. 
An active man, so lively, so virile.

Having no key, no keyhole to peek in, he will be left out in the cold.
On the wrong side of love, the cold side of the door, the cold side of life.




The Typist I- from his notes in the CC.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If it's a rental than have the lease agreement modified to list you as the sole renter, this will have to be agreed upon by your husband and the leasing agent. Be prepared to give your husband half the security deposit back, then it is yours alone and you can have the leasing company change the locks. 

You may also want to file for legal separation.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

So, after a lifetime in the work work, MrSmiley wants to relax for a bit in his golden years? This is cause for divorce for the 'modern woman'? 

So, for the previous 35 years, was MrSmiley the sole/main breadwinner? Everything was peachy-keen during those years? 

So, now that you've been majorly aggrieved by his wish to not work, whatever meagre holdings he has, you'll take half cuz you're now a strong, independent women?

Since you are the one initiating the divorce (like 70-75% of women do), why don't you GTFO? Do him a favour and disappear.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

smiley123 said:


> Yes, it’s his place too but I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 4 years since he retired. I finally couldn’t take it any longer that he wouldn’t get up out of the recliner and do anything. Refused to get a part-time job or even volunteer. I was concerned about my safety at first until we went to a counselor and he assured both of us he wouldn’t do anything to harm me or himself. I guess I just don’t feel comfortable with him still having the keys.


Well now, I understand kicking out a free-loader, but your retired husband? Really? 

Wow!

Should change the vows in your country to 'till retirement do us part! :rofl:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

smiley123 said:


> After many years of unhappiness I finally got the courage to file for a divorce about three weeks ago. He is taking it pretty hard which makes me feel terrible. Tomorrow morning he is going to our oldest son’s and stay until he figures out what to do. My question for you all is do you think I’m out of line to ask for his keys to the condo? I just don’t want him waltzing in any old time he wants, even though he said he would call before coming to get the rest of his stuff. TIA


We need some more background info. You're divorcing him because he wanted to retire after working all his life? Why would you think he would hurt you or himself?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yep,not enough info.

But asking for keys is a jab in the eye since he’s moved out and such.

And as said, if he worked 35 years, you’re kinda sounding rough.
We don’t know the back story.

I agree. If you’re that worried about him having access to his home, get a new place.
He doesn’t have to move out until you’re divorced. If you’re wanting to leave the marriage, you should move.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That is actually a legal question for your attorney and something that would need to be part of the separation/divorce agreement. 

You can ask him and if he voluntarily hands them over, that is one thing.

But if his name is on the lease/deed/mortgage then he has as much legal right to it as you and if he doesn't voluntarily relinquish his access to the property, then that will be up to the judge/court to determine.


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## snorkel (Apr 21, 2018)

Wow you are so unfair. 

"You've been a good and loyal husband for almost 40 years but I'm not happy. Forget about the vows, and all that better and worse stuff, you're outta here and leave your keys at the door".

How about since you want out, you leave YOUR keys at the door?

Also give your husband what he wants of the marital property, it's the right thing to do.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Truth is yeah, as you want out, you should be the one to leave. You have not elaborated as to what, other than his lack of motivation, precipitated your desire to separate. I have been married for 40 years, and if she waltzed through the door and asked for a divorce, I would likely lose it, and put her ass out on the street. That's me. Your husband seems to be in a depression, and what you are doing is exacerbating this condition. Seems to me you are afraid of something, my bet is that he will have a mental health issue. Oh and by the way, since you are doing this to him, if he were my client? I would be counselling him to take half your salary, your home, and your pension. Have fun with alimony. And that would be our opening shot.


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## snorkel (Apr 21, 2018)

He sounds like the type to just rollover and do whatever his wife does, maybe due to depression, or just plain laziness or lack of motivation or whatever.

Too bad, because he could play this one a whole lot better, starting with "if you want out, there's the door honey" followed by "any further communications will be via the attorneys, see you at the next status conference when I request lifetime support".


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## smiley123 (May 31, 2013)

Wow! A lot of judgment here without knowing the whole story! This marriage has been a rollercoaster ride from the git go. I’m not going into all the details because I’d have to write a book. No, he wasn’t always the sole breadwinner until he retired at 62. I’ve been working the whole time as well in addition to taking care of the kids, the house and the finances. I’m being judged because I’m not happy living with someone who just sits on their a$$ all day and night while I work full time, still do all of the cleaning, laundry and bills. I’ve talked myself blue in the face to try to get him to help out around the house and to get out and enjoy life, make some friends, volunteer, etc but he refused! He wanted to continue this behavior while waiting another year and a half or more for me to retire. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Judge me if you want, but you will never know what it’s like unless you walked in my shoes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

smiley123 said:


> Yes, it’s his place too but I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 4 years since he retired. I finally couldn’t take it any longer that he wouldn’t get up out of the recliner and do anything. Refused to get a part-time job or even volunteer. I was concerned about my safety at first until we went to a counselor and he assured both of us he wouldn’t do anything to harm me or himself. I guess I just don’t feel comfortable with him still having the keys.


Surely the point of retiring is that you don't have to work any more. Why should he have to do voluntary work? 

I am not sure why he had to move out. If you wanted the marriage to end why didn't you move out? He has now been rejected by you and lost his home. Do you both own it? Rent it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

smiley123 said:


> Wow! A lot of judgment here without knowing the whole story! This marriage has been a rollercoaster ride from the git go. I’m not going into all the details because I’d have to write a book. No, he wasn’t always the sole breadwinner until he retired at 62. I’ve been working the whole time as well in addition to taking care of the kids, the house and the finances. I’m being judged because I’m not happy living with someone who just sits on their a$$ all day and night while I work full time, still do all of the cleaning, laundry and bills. I’ve talked myself blue in the face to try to get him to help out around the house and to get out and enjoy life, make some friends, volunteer, etc but he refused! He wanted to continue this behavior while waiting another year and a half or more for me to retire. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Judge me if you want, but you will never know what it’s like unless you walked in my shoes.


Nah if he is smart he will retain a good lawyer and split everything 50/50. I would also make sure my attorney told you not to change the locks until you both move out. That's divorce, good luck.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

So smiley, he doesn't do anything around the house, nor does he have any hobbies?

Regarding the keys, he still has things there and probably still pays bills. He has a right to have access to his things.

If you are afraid for your safety, say while you are sleeping at night, can you set up a room for yourself, and put a lock on that door?


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