# Has any BS recieved an honest apology from AP? did it help healing?



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Just wondering how likely a truly remorseful apology from the OW/M would be and if any BS here has felt they recieved one and did it help them heal?

I still spend way too much time resenting and rehearsing conversations I would have with the completely unremorseful OW than I like. 

Just a rhetorical question as I know I will never recieve satisfaction from her...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Heck, some of us never got an apology from the WS.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

The OW made friends with me while she & my H was having their PA & when I found out she apologized & said I was a good person that didn't deserve this. It didn't help me at all. Just made me angry..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I received an apology from the OM. In my opinion, NO, it didn't help me in the least. I didn't feel better, it didn't end my rage, it didn't help to repair my marriage, it didn't end my depression, it didn't lessen or make my pain go away. Even though he was sincere, it didn't help me at all. I will say I had many questions as to why he apologized. Some would be, sorry you had sex with my wife, or sorry that it meant nothing to you. If it meant nothing to you then are you sorry for destroying my marriage? Are you sorry for your own wife and marriage? Are you sorry because you aren't the man you thought you were? Are you sorry that are a POS? What exactly were you sorry for? The OM saying sorry meant as much to me as him taking another breath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

All I got were more lies.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

There are times an apology from some people is not meant to help the injured party, but to appease the mind of the wrongdoer.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Its been 8 years and to this day she still lies. I am just thankful she is no longer my problem. Your best just to move on and Open a new chapter of your life and call that one a mystery.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

For my soft confront I got a text from her that said basically something like "Sorry that you're upset. I just am more comfortable talking with guys and it's just been the last week or so" LOL. I replied "I have all the phone records, texts and emails that tell me differently". Never heard from her again. Then I sent the details to her H.

So does her half-a$$ed message count? Nawwww....


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> There are times an apology from some people is not meant to help the injured party, but to appease the mind of the wrongdoer.


I thought of that too, but that isn't my responsibility nor did I care if I appeased OM. Gently said, he is his family's problem, his BS can appease him. He can explain how he pursued, how he wanted the affair to continue after my WW ended the affair. His BS and family can appease him for throwing them away. 

Pluto2, I'm not saying you are wrong and I understand what you mean. I doubt his apology to me was sincere or genuine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

While I do know who all of the players(or at least those of whom I'm aware) were in the breaking up of my marriages, (don't know them personally, though), the answer would be a most resounding "No!"

For that matter, I've never even received as much as a lukewarm confession, much less an apology, from either of my XW's despite the unfettered evidence against each of them!

I would guess that they're just going to save that apology for the "Man Upstairs" when they finally reach the Pearly Gates!


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

I got an apology. On how much I suck and treated her bad and how sorry he was that she incapable of being made happy from me. I went to the doctor to find a remedy for this, unfortunately, fisttothefaceaplin was not authorized for use. I did see a charge on my insureance by my wife for some slipindictemy, maximum strength, and the co-pay was her marriage, her children and home.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I really think that any kind of an apology from a spousal affair partner, albeit totally sincere or even caustically flippant, is going to be the exception much rather than the rule!


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

I got an apology the day after I found out. The POFSOM actually said he was sorry, and then proceeded to blame shift onto my WW, as if it was somehow ALL her fault! I remember thinking, "It takes two to Tango, a$$hole." My instincts and logic told me he was full of sh!t so I opened up on him and told him his apology wasn't accepted (I didn't use such nice words).

The next day he was messaging my WW and asking if they could still be friends. She immediately unfriended him (she hadn't been to FB yet) and never replied.

Then he called our house the next day (Thanksgiving) because, "I thought I was calling a friend." Really? Who? Me, "You've got no friends here."

My point is OM apology = insincere. I've reflected on this in the four years since, and I've realized that even had he been somehow magically and sincerely remorseful for the damage he had been a party of, the day after his lazy marijuana smoking/dealing a$$ had been caught, all the apology would have done is make me incredibly angry. HULK SMASH!! kind of angry.

I still owe him the conclusion to my Your Apology Is Not Accepted speech, a left hook to the jaw. Maybe one day.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I tend to believe that most AP's don't have the gall to apologize to the BS; because they know that anything they say will ring hollow, and they're scared of further humiliation. An apology from them would be like trying to put a band-aid on a gun shot wound to the gut.

I know that would be the case with the POSOM I dealt with. If he dared offered one, I'd tell him to shove it up his @ss.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am just amazed you haven't gotten apologies from your _spouses. _I don't know how they live with themselves.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Mine said she was sorry but the damage was done.

Saying "sorry" doesn't make up for months of planned and
calculated lies to my face, while sharing herself willingly with
another man. Saying "sorry" doesn't bring ANY comfort whatsoever.

In the end - words don't mean sh!t and their actions trump anything
that pours from the large hole in their face.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

On DD1, I called her. Heard "we're just friends". A little indignant I could possibly think anything else. Absolutely no hint of an apology. 

On DD2 (30 years after DD1), I emailed her several times. No response. By then, I didn't really care. I was done. 

There is nothing more I enjoy than referring to my former husband as "my ex". And his AP no longer gets even a small thought.


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Mine said she was sorry but the damage was done.
> 
> Saying "sorry" doesn't make up for months of planned and
> calculated lies to my face, while sharing herself willingly with
> ...


Amen, brother.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't mean words. I meant heartfelt remorse, and an offer to divorce as just punishment.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

jld - Are you asking about apologies from WS? Mine finally broke down and basically told me he would go along with whatever I wanted. If I chose divorce, he would leave without a fight and let me have everything. He has been very apologetic with actions and words. Part of the reason he still has a wife.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Drifting on,

Are you still married to WW?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I never knew any of my ex W's OMs and they all live in another city. If any of them attempted to contact me to assauage their guilt, I'd sternly tell them they are a POS for bedding a married woman (they knew because she put on her wedding ring for them) and that i wished them the miserable life they deserve.

I would not accept an apology from them, it would be meaningless to me. I will forever await an apology from my ex, but I've already dealt with knowing one is not forthcoming.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Heck, some of us never got an apology from the WS.


I didn't either. But the AP keeled over recently, as in dropped dead. I am definitely not in mourning.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

jld said:


> I am just amazed you haven't gotten apologies from your _spouses. _I don't know how they live with themselves.


My ws doesn't 'live with herself.' She lives with one of her ap's.


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## Trying95 (May 24, 2013)

While the EA was going on during one of the many contacts my H made with her to stop the EA, she replied to me "We are really going to do this right now?" When I asked her if she had no respect for marriage or the child within the marriage. When I replied yes, I was going there, she replied, "Well, I am hanging up, then." Took H a bit after that and my telling him he needed to leave and I would be happy without him, to see what a real skank, ho, **** she really is. She kept trying really really hard to get him and when she realized he was serious about our marriage, she did not gracefully go away. I still pity her, she has no real life and can not attract a decent man or relationship. I never knew her but she was a "work friend" to H. Took him some time to realize/admit/accept what he was doing was cheating and to realize she was no friend to him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

WayUpNorth said:


> I didn't either. But the AP keeled over recently, as in dropped dead. I am definitely not in mourning.


Yowza
So I'm guessing an apology now would be unlikely.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

His LTA partner was a personal friend of mine. She still acts like nothing ever happened. A few weeks ago, she told another friend how upset she was that I seemed to not want to have anything to do with her anymore. She said she really misses our friendship and is just really sad that I seem to hate her. 

It was like she couldn't fathom why her 3+ year affair with my husband, followed by nearly 3 years of underground contact with him during our false R, would be an impediment to us doing lunch or going shopping together. Seriously?!?! UFB :slap:


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## Trying95 (May 24, 2013)

Rowan said:


> His LTA partner was a personal friend of mine. She still acts like nothing ever happened. A few weeks ago, she told another friend how upset she was that I seemed to not want to have anything to do with her anymore. She said she really misses our friendship and is just really sad that I seem to hate her.
> 
> It was like she couldn't fathom why her 3+ year affair with my husband, followed by nearly 3 years of underground contact with him during our false R, would be an impediment to us doing lunch or going shopping together. Seriously?!?! UFB :slap:


Wow, She really has no morals.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Drifting on,
> 
> Are you still married to WW?


LongWalk

Yes. Met in 1988 (summer) began dating end of 1988. Married April 1995. WW had affair 2010 for six months. D-day January 20 2014. Began MC August 2013. Still going to MC presently.


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## fh0909 (Dec 12, 2014)

I didn't get so much an apology as a lengthy conversation with every detail. The fact is, in order to "protect" me in his mind, H would never have told me all of the things she told me. As he lead her on, then dumped her really hard and fast, and then slandered her to their colleagues, she was pissed and wanted to do anything she could to make it up. Yes, she slept with H, she's a ****ty *****, but having all the details, I was so freaking grateful. I think getting all the details at once, instead of waiting and finding out down the road "oh btw we also did this, or so and so knew" would be much harder to keep coming back from.
So while I do not accept her apology for having an affair with H while I was pregnant, I was immensely grateful for her openness with me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No, thank God. Though my wife did introduce me to him. I think she actually thought we might become friends. Duh... No!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

fh0909 said:


> I didn't get so much an apology as a lengthy conversation with every detail. The fact is, in order to "protect" me in his mind, H would never have told me all of the things she told me. As he lead her on, then dumped her really hard and fast, and then slandered her to their colleagues, she was pissed and wanted to do anything she could to make it up. Yes, she slept with H, she's a ****ty *****, but having all the details, I was so freaking grateful. I think getting all the details at once, instead of waiting and finding out down the road "oh btw we also did this, or so and so knew" would be much harder to keep coming back from.
> So while I do not accept her apology for having an affair with H while I was pregnant, I was immensely grateful for her openness with me.


I am amazed you are still with him. And I think it is great that she was so open with you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I still rue the day when my rich, skanky, soon-to-be someone else's skanky wife, goes to introduce me to her new boy toy!

Guess that I could heartily congratulate him and then say to him, "Oh, and by the way, would you like to buy a few pictures?"


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Ok so I guess looking to the OW and waiting on an apology is going down a dead end. My FWH wrote an apology to the OWs H and to me. His honest and transpparent actions since the end of FR have little by little reassured me of his sincerity to R. We are OK on that account.

But he also apologized to the OW in his NC letter...took the blame and responsibility and basically let her off the hook imo. She on the other hand, had comtinued contact only to guilt and pursue him and taunt me, never once indicating the least sign of remorse or respnsibility...which I think is one of the sources of my anger and inability to dislodge her from my mind. 

Don't these people ever want to make it right with their souls?! 

I need a suggestion for a non violent mind image to counteract and subdue the thoughts of her when they pop up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> Ok so I guess looking to the OW and waiting on an apology is going down a dead end. My FWH wrote an apology to the OWs H and to me. His honest and transpparent actions since the end of FR have little by little reassured me of his sincerity to R. We are OK on that account.
> 
> But he also apologized to the OW in his NC letter...took the blame and responsibility and basically let her off the hook imo. She on the other hand, had comtinued contact only to guilt and pursue him and taunt me, never once indicating the least sign of remorse or respnsibility...which I think is one of the sources of my anger and inability to dislodge her from my mind.
> 
> ...


How about just thinking of her as a very unhealthy person doing very unhealthy things and reaping the consequences of those, like you said, in her soul?

Aren't you glad you aren't her? Could you even stand being her?


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> I need a suggestion for a non violent mind image to counteract and subdue the thoughts of her when they pop up.


One technique I've seen used is to imagine yourself and all of your connections (memories, feelings, etc.) with her visualized as cords that keep you attached to her. Name each one if you have to. Spend some time really seeing this in your mind. Then take something, anything that can cut. Scissors are perfect if you're looking to be as non-violent as possible, and begin to cut the cords. As you cut each cord now see the pieces withering into nothing. Also, as each cord is cut the connection with her is weakening and she moves further away from you until you can no longer see her. She is gone.

Personally I needed to do this more than once, so its something you definitely need to keep up with...and clearly I still harbor monstrous amounts of anger. Its something I need to work on.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

No, no apology from OM, and it wouldn't have made a difference.

Only time an apology from an OM would be well received is if he didn't know he was the OM. 

Instead, my x-wife's OM, even though all I wanted to do was have nothing to do with either of them, tried to intimidate me because I called x-wife a wh0re, which she is.

I looked at him, shook my head, took my watch off, my wallet out of my pants, put them on the hood of the car, then just looked at him and told him I don't have all day.

He just walked back in the house and said, "you better watch it".

My reply: "that's what I thought"

But before that during the conversation I told him I was glad and wanted to buy him a beer for taking my trash off my hands.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Ironically, it was my WH's main OW who wanted an apology from him when she found out he cheated on her too. She didn't get it and blew his life up.

I never thought I would be in contact with any of his OW so an apology wasn't something I expected. And we I finally did begin emails with the main OW, she pretty much told me she didn't feel she owed me anything since he led her to believe I didn't matter. Actually said that too. So there was no remorse for the pain she brought to my life, she placed all the blame on him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Asia . . . Do you not think the blame is on him? He is the one who took vows to you, right?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

I do hold him responsible but she had a part in the adultery as well and should acknowledge it. I told her to focus on her future and learn from her past mistakes and she basically told me she didn't think I mattered. So I took that as she didn't think she did anything wrong. I know he made her believe that but still.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

vellocet said:


> No, no apology from OM, and it wouldn't have made a difference.
> 
> Only time an apology from an OM would be well received is if he didn't know he was the OM.
> 
> ...


You got style, man. Hats off.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

jld said:


> Asia . . . Do you not think the blame is on him? He is the one who took vows to you, right?


While this is true, it doesn't hold the OM/OW out there blameless of their despicable behaviors and actions that negatively affect other people.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

RV9 said:


> You got style, man. Hats off.


And I'm not an ass kicker. I have studied for years in self defense, and normally I'd have just ignored a comment.

Hell, I could have very well had gotten my ass beat. But I was tired of the talk and just decided to tell him I don't have all day if he wants to talk, then show me the walk.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

It's been many years since my dd and I know I'll never get an apology from either my ex wife or om. 

However, if he were to contact me and apologize I would express to him my eternal gratitude for assisting to reveal my ex's true nature and then taking her off my hands. 

And I would mean every word.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

asia said:


> I do hold him responsible but she had a part in the adultery as well and should acknowledge it. I told her to focus on her future and learn from her past mistakes and she basically told me she didn't think I mattered. So I took that as she didn't think she did anything wrong. I know he made her believe that but still.


I am sorry to hear she responded that way. Does not bode well for her future. 

You were very kind to try to warn her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A couple years after my (then) wife left me and our kids to shack up with this guy, out of the blue, I got a call from the man one night. He was crying about how she was cheating on him! Not sure what possessed him to think mine would be a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. That was more therapeutic than any apology I might ever get from either of them. The best revenge to exact upon any AP is to let them have your cheater and all the misery and drama that comes with them. When she left us for him, I considered giving him a sound whooping or worse, but that would have rendered him quickly dead or eventually healed. She screwed him up far more thoroughly than anything I would have done to him, tortured him for months, left him a babbling puddle of idiot and then started on her next victim.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> All I got were more lies.



This!


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

My FWH had cheated on me 20 years ago, an affair I was warned about in an anonymous letter but chose to accept his denial and believed his lies for the whole time... until his second OW blabbed about it to me in an email, trying, I suppose, to break us up when we agreed to MC and R. For some reason I decided to confront the first OW and all she could say was "I feel so bad.." no apology. 

The second OW stated she took responsibility for her actions in the affair, but actually stated to my H that I, the BS, must be "pissed" over all the wonderful times, sex and adventures they had. Clueless. As if pissed could describe an iota of what I felt. Also no apology. 

I often think about what my life would have become if I had divorced him over the second A. But I spent a year and half trying to win him back, investing all that pain and mental energy before I learned about the first. Now after another year and half, we are bonded and comfortable, making life between us as normal as possible. Sometimes it feels as if we are very much in love but at times I still struggle and give voice to my doubts on TAM...I am ashamed to admit to anyone but those on TAM how disrespected I felt by them and even by myself for taking him back after those awful 20 years. What kind of person takes that kind of disrespect and stays in the marriage?

So our R is moving forward, everything seems so normal, but I expect I will always have doubts about what I should have done.


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## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

Yes, and I think is was brutal for him. It wasn't just a visit to my home to apologize, but as the pastor of our church, standing in front of 200 people, admitting what he had done, and was walked out by the higher church officials.
He failed his vow as husband to his wife, and church.

It did amaze him when I sent him a gift of a book of music I knew he wanted many months earlier. I was free of my WS, new home, new job, 50% custody of my children. I was in a happy place.


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