# Stuck and not sure next steps



## moon842 (May 3, 2010)

I've been married to my husband for nearly four years and we dated for four years before that. I'm in my late 30s and he is in his early 40s. It's his second marriage and my first. His first only lasted a year and it was when he was in his early 20s.

We've had a host of problems over the years but have always managed to work through them. These problems typically come from his lying to me to avoid confrontation, which ends up with a massive confrontation from me when I figure out that I've been lied to about some pretty serious things (ie. he lied about having an STD for which he put me at risk; he lied and kept covering up a friendship with an ex who had refused to tell he was married). We had been to counseling to work through those things and I thought they were resolved.

Now a few years later, our relationship is in the pits. We're roommates at best. We never have sex. He told me it was because I'd put on some weight (which I did... almost 20 pounds) and that he wasn't attracted to me. Of course this has made my self esteem go down the tubes. On top of that, I've simply lost desire for him which I think it the result of built-up resentment over these other issues and the fact that he does nothing in the romance department, ever. I've told him I need him to plan dates, give me flowers, etc, but he said that's just not him and that he won't do it.

So we've reached a point where I'm honestly happier when he's not around. He went out of town for a few days for work and I couldn't have been happier. I did my own thing without having to deal with him moping around the house. 

His father passed away a few months ago and I'm starting to wonder if that has to do with anything. He's been getting angry at me over little things which is not normal for him. I'm wondering if any of this is misdirected anger in the stages of grief.

Anyway, we were talking about this the other night after I brought it up since he never initiates anything. I said I see three options: 1) continue on in a dead marriage; 2) go to counseling; or 3) divorce. He said he wants to go to counseling. I'm honestly leaning toward divorce. I just don't think he'll change and that I can't get what I need. I'm confused by my happiness when he was out of town. I didn't miss him. I was glad he was gone. This certainly can't be normal.

I don't know what to do. I guess counseling couldn't hurt but we've already been there twice before for months on end for other situations. But I wonder if I just resent him too much for all of the lies over the years. I don't know if the spark can come back.

On a sidenote, I have visions of how my life would be without him. I make more money than him and could easily live a comfortable life. I feel like he is dragging me down. I hate to say it, but it's the truth. And coupled with that is that he and I don't have any emotional or physical intimacy any more. So I wonder, what's the point of this? Why am I in a relationship that gives me nothing? It's just stale and I feel like I could be happier on my own.

Would a separation be a good idea?


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## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

The grass always looks greener on the other side. I'm no professional, but if you offered your husband an option of counseling, then you should plan to attend. Don't be so quick to think he won't change. So many times and so often, counseling exposes what's really the issue and can work to resolve it. 20lbs is nothing to lose attractiveness over - My wife and I have both gained that since we were married and she's still the hottest around! Assumption only? he's getting it elsewhere, or was. Check into counseling and best o' luck. direct messages always welcome


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## moon842 (May 3, 2010)

Chuckles, thanks for your comments. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe there is someone else, but I really don't see how or when it could be happening. My gut says that's not the case. I am willing to try counseling, but it's hard when we've already tried that several times before. I just don't get the sense that our relationship is "right." Can't really put my finger on it, but something is off and the love just isn't there like it used to be.


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## chuckles (May 2, 2010)

Do you want things to change? If someone came up to you and said that they knew your problems and could make them all go away, the hurt and pain would disappear and joy, love and trust could exist, would you want to take that leap? What if the road to that happiness was rough? Would you still? Is what you have worth saving? If there is even the smallest of chances and it's what you want - then you have to FIGHT for it! It's never easy. It's not going to be a smooth ride! The end will be what you make it and if you both demonstrate that the fight can go 12 rounds and nobody gets knocked out - you're both champions and you'll see that in each other. Buckle up for safety and enjoy the ride.


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