# How Important Is Sex in the Marriage?



## Mr. Dude (Apr 28, 2012)

Ladies, heads up, this is fairly shallow.

Classic story, I want sex all the time and my wife doesn't. She has medical issues that prevent it and they're only going to get worse.

Soon, she will be physically incapable of sex and I will still have an incredibly strong sex drive. She needs lots of emotional support but I don't feel emotionally connected unless we're having some sort of sex life.

Married 9 yrs. and don't want to screw that up but don't know if I can keep my d\ck in my pants for the rest of our lives. 

This is not what either of us signed up for.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

depends on the couple - massively important for me so when the sex side started to die so did the feelings

your situation is different though, have you talked about it? She must know this about you and is probably terrified of bringing it up - it sounds like she can't do anything about it which will make it even worse for her

at least you're honest I guess!


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Not saying this is your story , but my neighbor has told her husband that she too has medical issues that prevents her from having sex... 

...she just doesnt want it , and just doesnt like it... at all... and her dr has given her a medical reason ... 

~sammy


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## Mr. Dude (Apr 28, 2012)

@Dollystanford; We've talked about it and she's the one worried that I won't be able to handle it when her condition worsens. I could man up and put my needs to the side for her but I've done that before and it just surfaces as resentment.

She's offered hand jobs before but I quickly got bored with that. She will not kiss (maybe a dozen good kisses over 9 yrs) and does not give BJs (4 times in 9 yrs). She also doesn't like it when I turn to pron.

I have a duty and obligation to stay with her but don't know if that should outweigh my feelings about the situation.

Thanks for the comments.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

you are clearly sexually incompatible - doesn't sound to me like the medical stuff has anything to do with it although I'm not saying it's not the truth

the resentment will only grow, if you can't stay in a sexless marriage then you know what you need to do. It's the right thing for both of you it seems

I'd be quite interested to know what these medical issues are though....


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## Mr. Dude (Apr 28, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Not saying this is your story , but my neighbor has told her husband that she too has medical issues that prevents her from having sex...
> 
> ...she just doesnt want it , and just doesnt like it... at all... and her dr has given her a medical reason ...
> 
> ~sammy


I hear ya. Sex can happen for us but it takes her anywhere from 1 - 2 hrs before she is relaxed enough to where it won't hurt. I can last for hours but 2 hours but extremely slow foreplay, which is gentle back & body rubs, leaves me with no sexual tension.

There truly are plumbing problems that affect our sex life and soon enough she will have tubes poking out of her belly and a large implant in her arm (kidney patient). Don't know if we'll find that very sexy.?

I know I don't give her what she needs and in turn I can't get what I need from her. I have ADHD which exacerbates the issue 10-fold. I'm just having a little trouble seeing clearly right now.


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## Mr. Dude (Apr 28, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I'd be quite interested to know what these medical issues are though....


Here are a couple issues with their day to day affect on our lives:

Chronic Kidney Disease - affects overall well being
Bladder function issues similar to interstitial cystitis - affects penetration
Asthma - Affects kissing and fellatio
Asperger syndrome - affects touch and sensory perceptions

Here's the big issue on my end:

ADHD - affects my ability to prioritize our relationship and put my wife 1st

I know everyone has issues and marriage takes a lot of work, it just doens't happen by itself. I am at my wits end though.

--
There is a light at the end of the tunnel; problem is, I can't tell if it's the end of the tunnel or a oncoming train.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You've got a heck of a set of health issues between the two of you.

I'm not going to lie, if you are like me over the years this will eat at you. It will hurt and you will agonize over it, because marriage w/o sex (esp for a HD partner) feels like you unloved and unwanted deep within your heart. You will feel reminded of this often.

It's not an easy road at all, not saying you should get divorced... just saying for me that's how it has been (and at times still is).


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

There is nothing wrong is admitting that you cannot handle a sexless marriage. It takes courage because people will judge you harshly for that. 

We are supposed to be faithful in sickness and in health. However, that is easier said than done because it is emotionally draining to have a spouse that is very ill, especially when it means no sex.

I am a very HD woman so sex in my marriage is like breathing-I need it and I crave it. If my husband became paralyzed from the waist down, I would fully expect him to take Cialis.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Mr. Dude said:


> @Dollystanford; We've talked about it and she's the one worried that I won't be able to handle it when her condition worsens.


not all that worried about it though... in fact, I'd say "barely concerned at all".



> She's offered hand jobs before but I quickly got bored with that. She will not kiss (maybe a dozen good kisses over 9 yrs) and does not give BJs (4 times in 9 yrs). She also doesn't like it when I turn to pron.


In other words, she can't do normal sex and she's unwilling to explore the bajillion and one other options with any vigor or creativity yet she still wants to own your sexuality? My general rule is that I'm happy to entrust pieces of myself into Carol's care... my sexuality included... but she must then actually care for them.



> I have a duty and obligation to stay with her but don't know if that should outweigh my feelings about the situation.


Only you can assess your own sense of honor and duty. I do have some serious concerns about the long-term viability of a marriage based on "duty". I also wonder why you feel such a sense of honor regards a woman who acts as your wife does.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Mr. Dude said:


> Ladies, heads up, this is fairly shallow.
> 
> Classic story, I want sex all the time and my wife doesn't. She has medical issues that prevent it and they're only going to get worse.
> 
> ...



Mr. Dude, what does the doctor say about sex and her particular health issues?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm sure she feels pretty bad about an illness that seems to have no cure.

What have the docs said? Do her hands and mouth work?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I read your other thread... but didn't reply because I simply didn't have any advice for you, other than to say you are 34, she is 44, and although you FEEL an obligation to look after her, you really don't.

I admire that you do, and your health care is essential to her, but I'm someone who has had a chronic condition for most of my adult life. Juvenile diabetes. I don't want to be burden on anyone, and I would never want my spouse to feel obligated to stay with me.

Losing my sight, kidney function, limbs, that's all a scary maybe to me one day. I wouldn't expect anyone to have to care for me and put their life on hold. 

So what does your wife think? Does she WANT you to stay? Sounded like she wanted to leave because of other issues in the marriage.

Keep in mind that having a chronic illness is major stress. Add to that your not-so-great relationship. I hope you are able to find a solution, I don't have any advice other than my comments, though.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mr. Dude,
Why have you been ok with her not being willing to kiss you? 




Mr. Dude said:


> @Dollystanford; We've talked about it and she's the one worried that I won't be able to handle it when her condition worsens. I could man up and put my needs to the side for her but I've done that before and it just surfaces as resentment.
> 
> She's offered hand jobs before but I quickly got bored with that. She will not kiss (maybe a dozen good kisses over 9 yrs) and does not give BJs (4 times in 9 yrs). She also doesn't like it when I turn to pron.
> 
> ...


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

To me sex is as important as the parties in the marriage agree it is.

That is both partners not the higher desire partner demanding their sexual desire be accomodated without considering accomodating the lower desire partner's lack of sexual desire.

If her medical issues prevent sex which you want all the time and her condition is worsening I highly doubt you'll be able to remain faithful and loving. Especially as you only feel emotionally connected to her through some sexual activity.

Likely you'll grow hateful, bitter, and resentful before justifying cheating on her for your needs despite the whole spiel on how sex with her was about an emotional connection.

If it's not having the amount of sex you feel would satiate your desire isn't what you signed up for I suggest signing out of the marriage.

She's already offered hand jobs which you grew tired of.

Seems on the not kissing and not giving BJs you knew what you signed up for as 12 kisses & 4 BJs have shown she's been fairly consistent in showing she doesn't like to engage in either acts.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I have athsma pretty bad and it doesn't effect giving oral sex at all nor has it ever. I also have a bladder issue that makes me have to go incredibly frequently. I also have ADHD. I'm on medication for my ADHD and bladder. None of these things (except when I'm not on meds for ADHD) has affected my sex drive or my oral skills. Kidney issues I can see but all the rest of that is a bunch of BS. And if your ADHD effects your relationship be an adult and get meds to deal with it man!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

2 hr foreplay is long for sure. Can she spend some of that time in a bath or something? Will that help relax her as well?

Would laying side by side caressing each other while having a relaxing talk count for her as part of foreplay? I know me personally I love doing that. 

Just seems like maybe trying to find ways to make foreplay not feel long might make things more enjoyable for both of you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mr. Dude said:


> @Dollystanford; We've talked about it and she's the one worried that I won't be able to handle it when her condition worsens. I could man up and put my needs to the side for her but I've done that before and it just surfaces as resentment.
> 
> She's offered hand jobs before but I quickly got bored with that. She will not kiss (maybe a dozen good kisses over 9 yrs) and does not give BJs (4 times in 9 yrs). She also doesn't like it when I turn to pron.
> 
> ...


Well, if she truly cannot have intercourse then you need to accept that, with the following caveats:

1) If her condition is treatable, she should be getting whatever treatment there is to be had.

2) She needs to lose her inhibitions and do whatever she physically can for you. If her body truly makes intercourse off-limits, then a BJ is the least she can do for you.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mr. Dude said:


> I hear ya. Sex can happen for us but it takes her anywhere from 1 - 2 hrs before she is relaxed enough to where it won't hurt. I can last for hours but 2 hours but extremely slow foreplay, which is gentle back & body rubs, leaves me with no sexual tension.
> 
> There truly are plumbing problems that affect our sex life and soon enough she will have tubes poking out of her belly and a large implant in her arm (kidney patient). Don't know if we'll find that very sexy.


So she is having a dialysis catheter put in? That really is a rough deal.

But still, it begs the question of can she not have sex, or is she not feeling well and chooses not to spend her energy in that manner?

I ask because, for me, there is a tremendous difference between someone who cannot have sex and somebody who chooses not to. My ex tried very hard to avoid sex, pick fights, stay busy, etc. All it did is generate unhappiness and resentment on both our parts (the lack of sex stemmed from her refusal to accept it was important to me, she resented that her refusal negatively impacted the way I treated her).

Now I could deal with an actual physical inability to have intercourse (like those 6-8 weeks after childbirth). But (and I'll be honest here) a chronic condition is not that. I would expect a spouse with a chronic condition who had the energy to do stuff for her herself to accomodate me as well.

It sounds like you might be headed down a path with a slow degradation of function. You need to be honest with your wife and tell her of your needs. Nothing is worse than being in a situation where you are resentful because she is telling you one thing but manages to meet her own needs quite nicely.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mr. Dude said:


> Here are a couple issues with their day to day affect on our lives:
> 
> Chronic Kidney Disease - affects overall well being
> Bladder function issues similar to interstitial cystitis - affects penetration
> ...


Hmm, sounds like there is a bunch of her throwing stuff up to see what she can use to keep you off of her.

Seriously, her asthma is so bad she cannot give a BJ? Is she being treated for it? There are many, many good medicines available to manage it.

Also, who told you that your job is to put your wife first and you second? You and your wife are co-equals in marriage. Granted she has limitations, but she needs to giving to you in line with what she gives to herself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So she doesn't want to provide for you sexually AND she doesn't want you masturbating to porn??? Ha, she think you're some kind of super eunuch or something? And you're allowing her to be a cake eater?


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