# Feeling very insecure



## Mrs Doubt

Hi!

I search for a forum like this just to have an outlet.

I've been married less than a year and in all honesty problems started before we got married.

I love my husband very much and don't doubt that he loves me in his own way.

But we have no sex life. Sex once a month is the usual (if that) and this is by his choice. The problem reached a height about 6 months ago and we spoke about this, but things didn't change. 

He asked me to initiate more to help- so I've tried to do that but then it is even more hurtful when he rejects me with a 'it's not going to work'. 

His reasons are that he is in medication that reduces his sex drive. But I am on thr same medication and I know that he masturbates regularly. My worry is that he would rather do that than have sex with me.

We are meant to be trying for a baby- have been for the last 9 months- but that isn't going to happen with sex so rarely and sporadically as now. The baby was his idea and it has even crossed my mind that he wants to get me pregnant so that he doesn't have to have sex with me.

I'm going a bit spare! I'm after some reassurance that there isn't something deeper going on and that I'm not just beating myself up for no reason.

Sorry for the long post on the welcome forum...I can't find how to post in the other forums yet!


----------



## Tasorundo

The other forums will open up after an approval stage. It is to cut down on trolls.

As for your husband, if he is masturbating and rejecting you, that is a problem. I would not worry so much about the medication, as it might affect him differently than it does you. He may have issues with functioning, or just overall desire levels and rubbing one out is way easier.

That being said, if he is doing that and not having sex it is a problem.

You guys need to have some conversations about this issue. You will have to bring it up in a non-judgemental way. Use statements about how 'I feel' and limit phrases that have to do with 'you make me feel'. You will have to talk about the masturbation, and it is going to be uncomfortable, but not talking about it is going to end your marriage in one way or another.


----------



## Spicy

Welcome to TAM-

How old are the two of you?

How long did you date before you got married?

If you had pre-marital sex, was it also rare?

Do you know if he watches porn?

Do either of you have any kids already?

I will wait until I know the answers to these before I post more, but I would NOT get pregnant and become even more stuck with a person that already has you in a near sexless marriage.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Why on earth you'd even CONSIDER bringing a baby into this broken marriage is beyond me.

*



My worry is that he would rather do that than have sex with me.

Click to expand...

*That's not a worry, OP. It's reality.

You think you're unhappy now? If you aren't able to fix this or you find out you CAN'T fix it - but you've still managed to get pregnant and have a kid with him - then your excuse will be that you can't leave him because of your child. Why would you choose to tether yourself to someone like this before you know whether you can fix it or not? 

And the baby being 'his' idea is simply HIS way of tethering you to him because he knows eventually you'll leave him for being such a failure as a husband. But he figures you might be more inclined to stay with him if you have his kid, so I'm not surprised at all about his foolish suggestion to have a baby.

Fix your problems FIRST before even *considering* having a baby with this man.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Omg DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!!

I hate to be the one to say this, but this situation is not going to get any better. If this is how he is right now at the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage, then this marriage is doomed, because it only goes downhill. You knew how he was before you even married him, what the hell were you thinking entering into this anyway? 

Do yourself a HUGE favor and file for divorce. Save yourself years and years of heartache and neglect.


----------



## Mrs Doubt

I'm not thinking of leaving him. Although it is a relatively sexless marriage, it is not a loveless one. 

I do realise this is something we have to talk about and am after a way to tackle it where her won't just shut me down and be seen defensive.


----------



## Mrs Doubt

Thank you for your replies.

I am 27, he is 36. We were together for 3 years before marriage. No kids. 

I don't know if he watches porn, I've asked and he says no. We were never at it like rabbits before but neither did I feel I had to work so hard to get anything out of him. 

Sometimes when we do have sex he struggles to orgasm and he rarely has an erection when we start. My thoughts were he was more self conscious about this but his tactic seems to be to just avoid it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Mrs Doubt said:


> I'm not thinking of leaving him. Although it is a relatively sexless marriage, it is not a loveless one.
> 
> I do realise this is something we have to talk about and am after a way to tackle it where her won't just shut me down and be seen defensive.


Love isnt enough. I know nobody thinks that way when they first enter into their new marriage. There also has to be respect, and the fact that he would rather do himself than do you shows a lack of respect for you as his partner. Also keep in mind this is likely going to escalate, to include excessive porn use (you are a fool if you believe he doesnt view porn) and eventually him reaching out to other women to help indulge him in his private activities. 

You would be making a huge mistake to bring a child into this already dysfunctional situation.


----------



## uhtred

Medication can affect different people differently. Did you have an active sex life earlier in your relationship? If so its worth seeing of there are other medication options. (desire for sex and the mechanical release of masturbation are different. 

If he has always been very low desire, it may just be the way he is and not fixable. Do some reading on asexuality - its not talked about much but its a real thing

Meanwhile you have my and other people's sympathy. Being turned down for sex by the person you love is really crushing.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Many marriages have some kind of issues in the first couple years, don't overly worry.

Yet.

It's time to go into the communication mode now, and although you've been together three years, recognize it is indeed a little different now that you're married, that's normal.

The fact this isn't a loveless marriage is good to hear.

Congratulations, btw!!

Part of his lack of desire for marital sex is fear and concern that he won't be able to do his part to get an erection or be hard enough to meet your expectations. 

This is guaranteed, and not uncommon. 

Yet he still feels desire for sex, hence the masturbation. That's a good sign, at this point.

There are ways to share with him in a non criticizing manner, or patronizing manner, that you are happy with working with him, getting him to a new normal where he can be unconcerned about his bedroom performance. 

If you want, bring this to a point quickly as part of your talks, tell him when he feels the urge to masturbate, you want to do it for him, no "paybacks" desired. If you want to.

It's very likely he wants to know he'll get hard in your presence every time. And that it's ok if he doesn't. That's the whole message. 

The fact you're reaching out for more information, coming here, looking for solutions is good sign.

Best to not get pregnant yet until this and other things (I'm sure) get worked out. There are always a few speed bumps, in all marriages

Sometimes they take a bit more work, but that's ok too.


----------



## uhtred

Please don't underestimate that risk - its reality for many people. It can be either gender - but many low drive people figure (consciously or not) that once there is a child they will no longer "have to have sex" to keep their partner. 

It is fine if you can be happy living in a sexless marriage - but do so with open eyes, not with some hope that things will get better in the future. Many of us have decades of experience that sometimes things don't improve. 



Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi!
> 
> snip
> 
> We are meant to be trying for a baby- have been for the last 9 months- but that isn't going to happen with sex so rarely and sporadically as now. The baby was his idea and it has even crossed my mind that he wants to get me pregnant so that he doesn't have to have sex with me.
> snip


----------



## Tony Conrad

I once counselled a friend with this problem. He was very honest with me but called it a young man's problem. Masturbation to be blunt. I told him he was denying his wife. I believe he fully accepted that and their marriage has been happy for years with children to boot. MB is a sexual outlet but really our wives are the only legitimate sexual outlet. MB without sexual fantasy is boring for men so in a way it can be a mental adultery.


----------

