# I cheated on my husband.



## Damaged Goods

I'm new to this site, so I'm not entirely sure where to start or what I hope to gain from this, mostly talking about it helps me. Especially to those not in my personal circle or friends and family.
I have been married to my husband for 8 months and last month in December I cheated on him. I'd give anything to take the pain away that I have caused him and myself through this selfish act. The story went, in my opinion like this . . . Married life with my husband was great for the most part. We definitely have issues in our sex life which I will go further into detail should anyone desire to know. We each had small things that bothered us about one another, nothing majorly wrong. We recently bought a house and have been working hard to pay for and maintain this. While being a newlywed has been blissful it has also been lonely for me. My husband spent a good period of time in his office separate from me but still in our house. There he would work endless hours on creating iphone Apps and never really putting much effort into spending time with me or enjoying life as a newlywed. Change is hard for me so moving wasn't easy. I have been going through some rough stuff that needed extra attention and love i.e. my mother died in August 2012, My older sister is mentally younger and I have had to take on the role of our mom in some ways regarding helping her with her three small children, and living in this big house i was determined to make it feel like "home" while ill never say I'm a cook I learned a little baking and did all the cleaning, laundry, and decorating in our new house. Before marriage these were things we did as a team. granted I did them because I wanted to be a good wife I never thought it would make me feel so empty inside. All the while my best friend who I spend hours on the phone with daily and most saturdays with had just recently started a new job and had almost no time to talk with me or spend time with me. Within months of feeling lonely and dropping hints to him, I met another man, actually he was a customer at my coffee stand and I had been serving him for months with no real connection to him other than him being a customer. One day in early December he contacted me via Facebook. His message included details of how he really liked me and a plethora of inviting compliments that I so desperately desired from my husband. That being said I developed an "emotional affair" with the OM and over the span of three weeks. it was physical (oral sex) one time. After the altercation I felt so much remorse and guilt for what I had done I tried (poorly) to end it, I used a cop out that I knew would give him false hope but it was my way of letting him down easy. I told him I would like to still talk and try to be friends but nothing more. In the days to follow my husband found the early stage of the facebook messages and confronted me. I told him some of the truth because I was afraid of him being hurt, afraid of him leaving me, and honestly thought he wouldn't find the whole truth. We fought constantly for days, I was fighting to hide the truth and he was fighting to know the whole truth. He suspected there was more to my story and gaps that he couldn't ignore. Eventually I gave in and told him the FULL and COMPLETE TRUTH. Since then i've been an open book to him, he has access to all my accounts and my phone. I bought a new phone and changed my number to alleviate any issues moving forward. I know that what i've done to him is inexcusable and will take months or years to recover from, if ever. I know it may not seen like it but I love this man with all my heart and will do everything it takes to save our marriage. Currently I have a polygraph scheduled for next week to confirm things he still questions and we are going to MC and IC weekly. any advice would be greatly appreciated. I expect the to hear mean words because I really did screw up but go easy, I definitely get the hateful words enough from him.


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## bryanp

I really don't understand how you could do this just 8 months into your marriage. This is your honeymoon period. Did you understand what it meant when you said your wedding vows? I just don't understand this.


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## Jasel

bryanp said:


> I really don't understand how you could do this just 8 months into your marriage. This is your honeymoon period. Did you understand what it meant when you said your wedding vows? I just don't understand this.


Have to admit I find that perplexing as well. 8 months?????? You do realize people have to deal with ups and downs in marriage over the course of DECADES don't you? 

You should probably start out with IC by yourself and then ease into marriage counseling. Figure out what is wrong with yourself first.


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## Damaged Goods

To answer both of you there isn't a real reason other than I obviously have issues. My husband knew about all the trauma i've experienced in my life and was loving and supportive until my mom died then he sorta checked out. I didn't have a good support system in place to cope with the loss. He was the only person that I thought could really help me because 2 years ago he lost his mom as well. All the issues i've gone through I overcame pretty well thus far, but so many years of band aiding my wounds has recently come crashing down on me. I think all the stress outside of my marriage and pain i wasn't dealing with led me to stray for attention and affection. There is no real excuse and the only reason for it being 8 months in is that my life spiraled down fast and I was leaning on him for all my emotional support, which he wasn't giving.


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## Jasel

I see. Still stand by what I said that you need to start with the IC before MC. It sounds like you have a lot of issues you're aware of that played into what you did, but cheating on your spouse before you've even been married a year is a HUGE red flag.

He most likely doesn't trust anything you say (especially after you trickle truthed), and for you to not do it again the next time things aren't perfect and he really has no reason to. Does he have the password and access to your phone, email, facebook, etc?? Does he know where and when you are at what times at all times? 

Because if you thought your marriage was hard before, you've really opened up a can of worms. If you can't handle what you need to do to win back his trust, and it will be a lot, you might want to think about getting out. Honestly if your husband was the one posting his side of the story and it was as you say, we'd be telling him to bail ASAP.


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## Shaggy

What is the story with the OM, is he married? Did your husband exposé to his wife or gf ?


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## Damaged Goods

Shaggy said:


> What is the story with the OM, is he married? Did your husband exposé to his wife or gf ?





The OM was not married or in any relationship.


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## Damaged Goods

Jasel said:


> I see. Still stand by what I said that you need to start with the IC before MC. It sounds like you have a lot of issues you're aware of that played into what you did, but cheating on your spouse before you've even been married a year is a HUGE red flag.
> 
> He most likely doesn't trust anything you say (especially after you trickle truthed), and for you to not do it again the next time things aren't perfect and he really has no reason to. Does he have the password and access to your phone, email, facebook, etc?? Does he know where and when you are at what times at all times?
> 
> Because if you thought your marriage was hard before, you've really opened up a can of worms. If you can't handle what you need to do to win back his trust, and it will be a lot, you might want to think about getting out. Honestly if your husband was the one posting his side of the story and it was as you say, we'd be telling him to bail ASAP.



He wants to continue MC because he wants all the help we can get, so im willing to do both MC and IC. He has the passwords to all my emails, the password to my Facebook, all access to my phone and cell phone bill history. He also has a tracking app on my phone. I am doing all that he asks of me and I understand that it is not an easy road we are going down. I am willing and can handle what it will take to make things right no matter how long it takes. He actually has been writing his own thread in some forum and everyone is telling him to bail, i dont blame anyone for thinking this way. He is still willing to work on it currently but is undecided as to staying with me or not.


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## JCD

Did he tell you about this site, because this sounds like the other side of a post by someone else.

His thread disappeared (Did you have something to do with that?) but I recall specifically using the term 'damaged goods'.

So...you want advice. Let's go to the classics: Go forth and sin no more.

Simple advice. Hard to accomplish.

He loves you less now and if he has an ounce of sense, he trusts you not at all. So whatever stresses you were talking about have had a few thousand pounds of more issues.

Can you change your job? Because that POS can walk in any time or wait outside for you, hoping for a replay or (gag) making true love work...

So go elsewhere.

Your husband described your friends, the ones who are cheating on their mates. I would lose them as well. I know...you don't expect your friends to be perfect. In this case, it's a gesture. At the very least have a deep heart to heart with them about exactly how much fire they are playing with and cut back the contact a lot.


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## Shaggy

I think you need to do a serious exercise in marketing yourself to your husband, meaning you need to figure out convincing reasons why he should give you another chance to be with him. Are you giving him the passion and energy you put into the affair and the OM? 

If he was your brother hat would you advise him to do with a new wife that so callously cheated on him? Be honest.


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## C-man

BH's posts are still up. I sometimes wonder if it's a good idea for both WS and BS to be posting on the same forum. I think it might hinder true candor, sincerity and honesty - which is a requirement for both giving and receiving advice. Sometimes wonder that the WS is posting stuff just because they know the BS is reading. 

Just my two cents...


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## AngryandUsed

OP,

It seems that you have self-esteem issues.
Right now, your husband is so hurt, which you can't even imagine.

IC and MC are advised.

AU


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## EleGirl

DG,

I think that both of you would benefit by reading a short list of books together and working through the material.

"Surviving an Affair"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"

The books are by Dr. Harley

You two can rebuild your marriage into a strong, passionate, affair proof marriage. That's that the books are about.

Most marriages in which affairs occur recover. It takes work, dedication and love. But it's quite doable.


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## Acabado

Focus on IC, please. You already know this marriage (anyone) is not a sure thing, you still have your whole life ahead thou. You need to be healthy regardless the outcome, for you. Cheating so early on in the marriage is indicative of serious issues friend. Identify them, adress them, fix (or learn to manage) them. Make out yourself someone safe, for your own sake.
If you don't realize how serious is this then ther's no hope. Think about the future. The though process that helped you to make those destructive actions will be there until you erase them.


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## Calibre12

DG, no one can make you feel good or less lonely but yourself. No one can give us the attention and care we all need, except ourselves. No one can meet all of our needs. These are the lessons in life we all have to learn and they come with maturation either through observations over the years or through mistakes we make. Marriage is a mutual commitment to make someone else's life more meaningful and thereby enriching our own. 

When we are going through things we can't handle, we tend to feel that it's permanent when it's only temporary - Example being your husband's at home working hours. You could have tried luring him out occasionally by prepping a picnic basket and spreading a sheet on his office floor while wearing a trench with nothing under it, etc. (It's called creativity). 

There are many other ways we can deal with lonliness: Taking up an exercise program, reading books we like, taking cooking or baking classes, making a childhood dream career come true, going back to school, taking up a hobby etc. If you use these opportunities to meet men for rendezvous, rather than to build-up yourself, then it's useless and red flags a serious character flaw. You tear down your own life with no one else to blame. It is your outlook on life. What you want out of it. What type of life you choose to live regardless of what you were taught as a child.

But it all goes back to you and what your default settings are when confronted with challenges. It's all about us and our default settings and the desire to live a good, meaningful life. All of us want it. In your case, IC will help you discover and disable them with more positive alternatives. Good decisions keep your karma bank in overdraft.


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## Gabriel

Cedarman said:


> BH's posts are still up. I sometimes wonder if it's a good idea for both WS and BS to be posting on the same forum. I think it might hinder true candor, sincerity and honesty - which is a requirement for both giving and receiving advice. Sometimes wonder that the WS is posting stuff just because they know the BS is reading.
> 
> Just my two cents...


Sounds familiar but can't remember - who is BH? You can PM me.


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## EleGirl

DG, another healthy way to handle it when your husband choses to ignore you is first talk to him and tell him what you need from him. And if he will not spend time with you and ignores you, then divorce him.

If he did not see the need to spend time with you in the first 8 months of your marriage, that's very bad sign. 


Couples need to spend about 15 hours a week doing things together, just the two of you. Did you two get that kind of time before you got involved in the affair?


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## old timer

I'm pretty bad, but I waited 19 years, FWIW


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## C-man

Gabriel said:


> Sounds familiar but can't remember - who is BH? You can PM me.


"BH" is the betrayed husband. He had a thread started yesterday too.


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## MattMatt

Cedarman said:


> BH's posts are still up. I sometimes wonder if it's a good idea for both WS and BS to be posting on the same forum. I think it might hinder true candor, sincerity and honesty - which is a requirement for both giving and receiving advice. Sometimes wonder that the WS is posting stuff just because they know the BS is reading.
> 
> Just my two cents...


It worked great for B1 and EI...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Subi

yeah i remember the BH STORY. wonder how they are?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JMGrey

Damaged Goods said:


> I'm new to this site, so I'm not entirely sure where to start or what I hope to gain from this, mostly talking about it helps me. Especially to those not in my personal circle or friends and family.
> I have been married to my husband for 8 months and last month in December I cheated on him. I'd give anything to take the pain away that I have caused him and myself through this selfish act. The story went, in my opinion like this . . . Married life with my husband was great for the most part. We definitely have issues in our sex life which I will go further into detail should anyone desire to know. We each had small things that bothered us about one another, nothing majorly wrong. We recently bought a house and have been working hard to pay for and maintain this. While being a newlywed has been blissful it has also been lonely for me. My husband spent a good period of time in his office separate from me but still in our house. There he would work endless hours on creating iphone Apps and never really putting much effort into spending time with me or enjoying life as a newlywed. Change is hard for me so moving wasn't easy. I have been going through some rough stuff that needed extra attention and love i.e. my mother died in August 2012, My older sister is mentally younger and I have had to take on the role of our mom in some ways regarding helping her with her three small children, and living in this big house i was determined to make it feel like "home" while ill never say I'm a cook I learned a little baking and did all the cleaning, laundry, and decorating in our new house. Before marriage these were things we did as a team. granted I did them because I wanted to be a good wife I never thought it would make me feel so empty inside. All the while my best friend who I spend hours on the phone with daily and most saturdays with had just recently started a new job and had almost no time to talk with me or spend time with me. Within months of feeling lonely and dropping hints to him, I met another man, actually he was a customer at my coffee stand and I had been serving him for months with no real connection to him other than him being a customer. One day in early December he contacted me via Facebook. His message included details of how he really liked me and a plethora of inviting compliments that I so desperately desired from my husband. That being said I developed an "emotional affair" with the OM and over the span of three weeks. it was physical (oral sex) one time. After the altercation I felt so much remorse and guilt for what I had done I tried (poorly) to end it, I used a cop out that I knew would give him false hope but it was my way of letting him down easy. I told him I would like to still talk and try to be friends but nothing more. In the days to follow my husband found the early stage of the facebook messages and confronted me. I told him some of the truth because I was afraid of him being hurt, afraid of him leaving me, and honestly thought he wouldn't find the whole truth. We fought constantly for days, I was fighting to hide the truth and he was fighting to know the whole truth. He suspected there was more to my story and gaps that he couldn't ignore. Eventually I gave in and told him the FULL and COMPLETE TRUTH. Since then i've been an open book to him, he has access to all my accounts and my phone. I bought a new phone and changed my number to alleviate any issues moving forward. I know that what i've done to him is inexcusable and will take months or years to recover from, if ever. I know it may not seen like it but I love this man with all my heart and will do everything it takes to save our marriage. Currently I have a polygraph scheduled for next week to confirm things he still questions and we are going to MC and IC weekly. any advice would be greatly appreciated. I expect the to hear mean words because I really did screw up but go easy, I definitely get the hateful words enough from him.


It seems like you're DevastatedToo's wife? What to do with my time after her affair, before resolution

Give the poor bastard an annulment (if possible in your state) or a true no-fault divorce (what you came in with, you leave with) if that's what he wants. Then get yourself into serious long-term therapy. If you're cheating on your husband 8 months into the marriage, you're poison for this relationship and for him. It'll probably take years of working on yourself, learning to respect yourself, learning to not look to others for happiness and fulfillment, learning to take personal pride in having principles, in making lifelong promises and keeping them, before you'll even be emotionally or mentally ready for marriage. I'm sorry if that's harsh but it is what it is.


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## ArmyofJuan

Damaged Goods said:


> Within months of feeling lonely and _*dropping hints to him*_.


There's part of your problem, communication. You can’t “drop hints” with a man, we don’t read those well. You have to be direct.

My W does this and it drives me nuts. She use to tell me how she was unhappy but only complained about her kids or work, never implied I was part of the problem so it was easy for me to blow it off. 

Cheating within the first year of a M is a good indicator that you are not ready for M. If you need friends find another woman, not some guy that wants to get in your pants. Its not rocket science.


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## warlock07

If you did have sex, now is the time to tell that..The truth will eventually come out..


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## CH

The hurt and pain lasts forever. It fades but it never goes away.

I cheated on my wife right before we got married, during our marriage and after we were married.

She is not the same person that I knew prior to me cheating. The complete trust is gone.

The love I used to see in her eyes is still there but it's duller now. It's gotten better over the years but I can see that I'll never see that look again.

Truth be told, she gave me a chance to stay and I'm grateful but in all honesty I was still being selfish. If I truly did love her at that point of our life I should have let her go, no kids and just barely married....

It's real painful to see through the years as your partner starts to heal and you know that no matter what, they'll never heal 100% and you're the cause of it. That is what hurts me the most, nothing I do from then till the day I die will ever completely heal her.

BTW, how do you heal a wound, you remove what caused it. As long as what caused the wound is around, it never heals completely.

If he gives you a chance, you better bust your behind 24/7 making sure you make it up to him.

Me, I gave up all friends of opposite sex, I don't make friends with any new ones, I don't chit chat with them (unless it's a relative or a buddies wife/gf). I removed the one thing from my life that I know will cause me to cheat again.


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## Shaggy

DG, I've read your husbands thread and learned more about your own past. Wow. So if I understand it you have been surrounded your whole life by people who cheat and abuse, and even now you have a number of close friends who regularly cheat on their partners.

This is way deeper than you made a bad choice because you got lonely. The people around you who, the ones who set the tone of what is morally acceptable are horribly broken. I can see that to many of them your cheating woud be sonething they would happily do, in fact they would think you are stupid for only having oral sex when you could have gotten really freaky.

I think if you want to be a married faithful wife that it's time to grow up and decide how you want to live your life, and to completely cut out of it people who do not share your same values, because they really really do affect how you see the world, and how you make choices.

Dumping fruends and famiky who cheat out of your life isn't a punishment because of you cheating, it's you making the choice to live life as a faithful wife. That is not going to happen if your being fed the crap cheaters spew out about how thet aren't bad people and that they deserve to be happy if they want by cheatng. 

It's time to choose sides, you can be a wife and in a marriage or you can be divorced and living the fun life with the Jerry Springer crowd.


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## sharkeey

Damaged Goods said:


> He suspected there was more to my story and gaps that he couldn't ignore. Eventually I gave in and told him the FULL and COMPLETE TRUTH. Since then i've been an open book to him


Ah, I found you.

I just came over from your husbands thread where I read you were posting somewhere on here.

Please do not use this forum as a way to continue to trickle truth your husband and try to fool people who have a lot more experience with cheaters than you realize.

Come clean with the full truth and tell your husband everything you really did including intercourse and let the chips fall where they may.

From what I read on his posts, he'll probably put up with just about anything to hold onto you so you might as well own it.


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## the guy

Did anyone get an "I" count in the original post? I lost track!


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## life101

the guy said:


> Did anyone get an "I" count in the original post? I lost track!


43


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## DevastatedToo

EleGirl said:


> DG, another healthy way to handle it when your husband choses to ignore you is first talk to him and tell him what you need from him. And if he will not spend time with you and ignores you, then divorce him.
> 
> If he did not see the need to spend time with you in the first 8 months of your marriage, that's very bad sign.
> 
> 
> Couples need to spend about 15 hours a week doing things together, just the two of you. Did you two get that kind of time before you got involved in the affair?


EleGirl,

I've been the best husband ever. I was great, amazing, spectacular. I did everything I could for her. Anything she asked for, I would jump to do. Anything she hinted, I would jump to do. I made her my life. 

We had an amazing time together, we spent tons, tons, tons of time together. I've always been this way with girls, I tend to spend an extraordinary amount of time with them, and just them. Maybe to a fault at times.

What she fails to mention is that I got into writing apps hardcore for a 3 week period, and had another 3 week period after in which I only did apps when she wasn't around.

So in this 3 week period of me doing apps, she got it in her heard that it was okay to start facebooking a guy, bragging on facebook about the phone number she got from him, tell him she can't believe he likes her (by the way, she is a bikini barista, meaning that she stands around in her underwear all day while at work, bending over, and making sweet tips, so of course he likes her. Why do you think guys come there? Solely for the coffee?). Then she txts him to tell her that she is married, and then end up texting for 8 hour straight while I am at a party for my friend. 4 days later they start sexmessaging, and I by then have finished my apps and am trying to spend a lot more time with her. 3 days later she takes off her wedding ring and decides to get into bed with him. 7 days later I find the facebook messages and explode on her. She lies about what really happened for 3 more weeks until she finally spills the beans.

So tell me, who should be divorcing who? Should she divorce the guy who does everything for her, and who she does pretty close to nothing for, and then cheats on him, or should the guy divorce the girl?

Well, the guy is divorcing the girl. I did the right thing our entire relationship, despite her flaws (I have some too, but hers are huge compared to mine), and when for once, I want to focus on a dream of mine (create iphone games), she uses the alone time to find another guy. 

Yeah, as you can probably tell, I'm pissed off. But it's my mission to blow this thing out of the water right now and get her out of my life asap before I start falling for her charm again. Like one of you said, she is poison. I agree. At least for a guy like me, she is poison. I have ambition and integrity. She is lazy and has a weak value system.


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## Aunt Ava

So 8 months ago you vowed to love, honor and cherish him, forsaking all others. If this is how you honor him I hope he runs like h3ll to get away from you. You should insist that your husband divorce you so he can eventually move on to a woman that will truly love, honor and cherish him. 

Please seek out counselling, something in you is broken.


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## Shaggy

Wow, hey OP quit the job where you are basically a stripper selling coffee. 

To DDtoo I'm betting the OM here is a creepy married guy. Seriously what kind of looser goes to coffee shops with chick ps in bikinis and heels and doing stripper moves.

Find the creeps wife and expose him as the cheating trash he is.

For the OP, seriously? You want your husband to trust you ? Time for a new job where you aren't one bikini top away from being a full on stripper.


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## old timer

A coffee shop w/ half-naked servers?

Damn...my kind of place. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Madman1

Damaged Goods said:


> I know that what i've done to him is inexcusable and will take months or years to recover from, if ever. I know it may not seen like it but I love this man with all my heart and will do everything it takes to save our marriage.



OMG, you walk around all day in a $lut suit, shake your a$$ for customers, take off your ring and spread your legs for a few compliments, and you want this good man to take you back.



> But it's my mission to blow this thing out of the water right now and get her out of my life asap before I start falling for her charm again.


DevastatedToo,

Yeah she has charm all right, she can charm the pants off a stranger in her underwear.

Run Forrest Run,

She used the same charm on you, hell it would have worked on me, I'm sure she is a great one night stand, but not marriage material!!

I'm not a religious man but here is a verse from the bible,

Beauty is vain and Charm is deceitful. Proverbs 31:30 

Pretty much sums it up I think.

You will pick better next time, you deserve better!


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## DevastatedToo

I think you guys are focusing too much on her job. She has always been the most professional person I've met in this position. Other girls do 'shows' where they basically strip for bigger tips. My wife would be sexy, but in a friendly way. At least to my knowledge. Thats how she treated guys on FB too, so it's not her job that made her like this. I think her job is just a reflection of the fact that she is numb to feeling like an object. She feels like an object either way I suppose.

But she didn't have a good support system, so doing this job was a good option for her. She could make a lot of money by making coffee in her undies. Of course, she hasn't tried very hard to get out of this position either. I hope she does.

To my knowledge, she only hooked up with one customer before her affair, and that was me. Mine was a fluke though, we met on accident. I'd never been to a bikini stand before.


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## Cdelta02

Damaged Goods said:


> The OM was not married or in any relationship.


Thats what you say. Give his name and address to your H. Let him figure out if he is married or not.


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## Entropy3000

Bikini Barista --- LOL

My wife ... the Bikini Barista ... she is very professional. Not like the ones who strip for tips .. as far as I know. UFB. Yeah this is for real.

Since life is stranger than fiction, the job IS a symptom of the problem here.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Madman1 said:


> *OMG, you walk around all day in a $lut suit, shake your a$$ for customers, take off your ring and spread your legs for a few compliments, and you want this good man to take you back.*
> 
> 
> 
> DevastatedToo,
> 
> Yeah she has charm all right, she can charm the pants off a stranger in her underwear.
> 
> Run Forrest Run,
> 
> She used the same charm on you, hell it would have worked on me, I'm sure she is a great one night stand, but not marriage material!!
> 
> I'm not a religious man but here is a verse from the bible,
> 
> *Beauty is vain and Charm is deceitful. Proverbs 31:30
> *
> Pretty much sums it up I think.
> 
> You will pick better next time, you deserve better!


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## Kallan Pavithran

DevastatedToo said:


> I think you guys are focusing too much on her job. She has always been the most professional person I've met in this position. Other girls do 'shows' where they basically strip for bigger tips. My wife would be sexy, but in a friendly way. At least to my knowledge. Thats how she treated guys on FB too, so it's not her job that made her like this. I think her job is just a reflection of the fact that she is numb to feeling like an object. She feels like an object either way I suppose.
> 
> But she didn't have a good support system, so doing this job was a good option for her. *She could make a lot of money by making coffee in her undies.* Of course,* she hasn't tried very hard to get out of this position either. *I hope she does.
> 
> *To my knowledge, she only hooked up with one customer before her affair, and that was me.* Mine was a fluke though, we met on accident. I'd never been to a bikini stand before.


Now she met another one in 7 months into marriage, then another one in 1yr, then.........
Who ever cheats on a spouse within a yr that is the honey moon period showed their real face to other. Wishful thinking that they will change is waste of time and energy.

Run man run to the forest, She couldnt keep her legs crossed for 3 weeks while you were bussy,


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## Decorum

DevastatedToo said:


> I think you guys are focusing too much on her job. She has always been the most professional person I've met in this position. Other girls do 'shows' where they basically strip for bigger tips. My wife would be sexy, but in a friendly way. At least to my knowledge. Thats how she treated guys on FB too, so it's not her job that made her like this. I think her job is just a reflection of the fact that she is numb to feeling like an object. She feels like an object either way I suppose.
> 
> But she didn't have a good support system, so doing this job was a good option for her. She could make a lot of money by making coffee in her undies. Of course, she hasn't tried very hard to get out of this position either. I hope she does.
> 
> To my knowledge, she only hooked up with one customer before her affair, and that was me. Mine was a fluke though, we met on accident. I'd never been to a bikini stand before.


Wow the way you are here defending her and excusing her I say she has a good chance of getting you back.


I am serious now DevastatedToo, did you marry a woman out of your league?



Edited to add; It looks like from another thread DevastatedToo will be divorcing DG.

Also rather than marrying out of his league it would appear that DevastatedToo knew she was damaged but felt like it would not lead to this.

He sounds like a highly motivted individual in his life and is ready to move on.


----------



## Jasel

DevastatedToo said:


> I think you guys are focusing too much on her job.* She has always been the most professional person I've met in this position. Other girls do 'shows' where they basically strip for bigger tips. My wife would be sexy, but in a friendly way.* At least to my knowledge. Thats how she treated guys on FB too, so it's not her job that made her like this. I think her job is just a reflection of the fact that she is numb to feeling like an object. She feels like an object either way I suppose.
> 
> But she didn't have a good support system, so doing this job was a good option for her. She could make a lot of money by making coffee in her undies. Of course, she hasn't tried very hard to get out of this position either. I hope she does.
> 
> To my knowledge, she only hooked up with one customer before her affair, and that was me. Mine was a fluke though, we met on accident. I'd never been to a bikini stand before.



Dude didn't she ****/suck off one of the customers she met at her job????? Professional?????? Dude????????


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## Summer4744

The level of manipulation women will go through just astounds me. The OP writes this post like she doesn't realize that her husband is posting in this very same forum. She just off hand mentions that she thinks her husband is posting in some other forum.

Yeah right!

She must think her husband is as dumb as rocks.

Let me see here. She found out her husband was posting here so she, quite sneakily, decided to publish her version of the truth knowing that her husband would see her thread. In her mind she probably thought her husband would think she was just coming clean and telling the truth. 

Then she could say "See. I didn't even know you would see this thread. I was just asking for help, but you can see my story checks out. Why would I lie to strangers after all?"

This post reeks of someone trying to justify their actions and get their side of the story out there. Having a bad childhood is no excuse to abuse someone who loves you. As far as the iPhone apps thing goes, men cannot just serve coffee and collect tips. Unfortunately we have to break rocks or make something people want to buy to pay the bills.


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## DevastatedToo

Summer4744 said:


> The level of manipulation women will go through just astounds me. The OP writes this post like she doesn't realize that her husband is posting in this very same forum. She just off hand mentions that she thinks her husband is posting in some other forum.
> 
> Yeah right!
> 
> She must think her husband is as dumb as rocks.
> 
> Let me see here. She found out her husband was posting here so she, quite sneakily, decided to publish her version of the truth knowing that her husband would see her thread. In her mind she probably thought her husband would think she was just coming clean and telling the truth.
> 
> Then she could say "See. I didn't even know you would see this thread. I was just asking for help, but you can see my story checks out. Why would I lie to strangers after all?"
> 
> This post reeks of someone trying to justify their actions and get their side of the story out there. Having a bad childhood is no excuse to abuse someone who loves you. As far as the iPhone apps thing goes, men cannot just serve coffee and collect tips. Unfortunately we have to break rocks or make something people want to buy to pay the bills.


She knew I was posting here first. I started by reading devastatedDad's thread, and I linked it to her while I was still reading it. After I posted, I told her. She read it and a day or two later she decided to post too. She told me she was posting. It wasnt a secret.

But I get what you mean how it's contradicting that I call her a professional, and then she hooks up with a customer. I guess what I mean is that during our entire relationship, she showed pretty good boundaries. Her boundaries were even better boundaries than me when we first met. I guess the difference then is that even with weaker boundaries, I'm more trustworthy than her with greater boundaries. Because the moment her boundaries go down, she goes down.

I'm fairly confident she had sex with the guy, but she swears up and down that they didn't. It's obvious they did. She told me when we first started dating that she has never not had sex with a guy, which means never stopped at just a HJ or a BJ. There's other things pointing to the fact that they had sex, but I suppose it doesn't really matter because the end result is the same: divorce. I wanna throw up thinking about them and how she is STILL lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer4744

Dude. What's your take on your wife's story? She seems to blame you for everything.

Do you think she is truly remorsefull for putting you through pain or just regretfull she got caught?


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## DevastatedToo

I think she is truly remorseful, but lying is in her blood. I mean, we all lie, and I had some secrets I told her recently too. But I guess that my secrets, I pull them out on my own (which I suppose may not have been the case if she didn't cheat), but my secrets were also tiny in comparison to her affair.

She's got a messed up past, and honestly, I don't know if any guy should ever marry here unless he is willing to forgive infidelity. Maybe she'll be trust worthy one day, but I think that'll take a lot of work on her part. She'll probably read this and get angry and purposefully not try to make herself into a better person just to spite me. That's kinda always been her attitude: if someone tells her what to do, she won't do it. And if they push it, she especially won't do it, even if its fair and right and logically something she should do. She's rather have you and her lose, than to let you win. This is how it is with her, whenever it comes to doing something she doesn't already do. She never puts her pride behind her logic.

So is she truly remorseful in a way that she will never let this happen again and she will do everything she can to have good principles guide her life instead of relationships (ie never relying on herself for support, just friends/family/a guy who gives her attention, even if they're full of $hit themselves)? I think then she's not truly remorseful. Because remorse can be an emotional thing, and it can be actions. Emotionally, I think she is remorseful. But I don't think her actions will be in alignment with someone who is remorseful in the future. 

She might though. She's young and resilient. She has potential, but I also feel like she has no inner drive. She wants a better life, to be a better person. Maybe this experience will be enough for her to realize that only she is responsible for what she gets in life, as determined by her actions (or failure to act). However, she has never displayed having this drive, so while I have hope for her, my gut tells me, based on experience, that she will probably just continue to make bad decisions and learn very little from them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

> a bikini barista


Gee. I bet that works well for marriages and relationships of the "_bikini baristas._"

She's quit that job, right?


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## MattMatt

DevastatedToo said:


> I think you guys are focusing too much on her job. She has always been the most professional person I've met in this position. Other girls do 'shows' where they basically strip for bigger tips. My wife would be sexy, but in a friendly way. At least to my knowledge. Thats how she treated guys on FB too, so it's not her job that made her like this. I think her job is just a reflection of the fact that she is numb to feeling like an object. She feels like an object either way I suppose.
> 
> But she didn't have a good support system, so doing this job was a good option for her. She could make a lot of money by making coffee in her undies. Of course, she hasn't tried very hard to get out of this position either. I hope she does.
> 
> To my knowledge, she only hooked up with one customer before her affair, and that was me. Mine was a fluke though, we met on accident. I'd never been to a bikini stand before.


DT... it gave her the opportunity to display her wares to the man she cheated with. That's why we are focusing on the job in some of our posts.


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## MattMatt

Annulment. Can you do that?

Also, Cheaterville? Local papers re the sex for coffee shop in town?:scratchhead:

Or do you just want to forget about it and move on with your life and look for someone who doesn't strip to her underwear for strangers?


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## DevastatedToo

MattMatt said:


> Gee. I bet that works well for marriages and relationships of the "_bikini baristas._"
> 
> She's quit that job, right?


No, she still works there. She's in her underwear as we speak.

Originally after the affair I wanted her to quit. But since I was undecided whether I really wanted to be with her, or whether I wanted a divorce, and we have a lot of bills to pay, she wanted to keep the security of having a well paying job. I agree, if I can't give her stability, and she doesn't have parents to help her out, she has to take care of herself first. Logically, keeping the job I think is the best choice for now. Besides, she has the option to cheat no matter what job she has, so in the end it doesn't really matter. Maybe if she would have quit already, I would have wanted to stay with her, but she set herself up through her past actions to basically have no other option than to work at a ****hut.

I wish she would have been a harder worker ad had more motivation to make more steps towards getting out of that job, but she always had excuses. She'll probably be wrinkled and have skin cancer by 40 anyways, so I'm actually glad I don't have to stay married to someone who is so self to tan as much as she does. Yeah, she's hot now, but I wouldn't want to be a widow at age 45 either. Not that I would be necessarily, but lets just look at what her daily actions sew.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo

MattMatt said:


> DT... it gave her the opportunity to display her wares to the man she cheated with. That's why we are focusing on the job in some of our posts.


Yup, I thought about this one too, and was one of the reasons I wanted to to quit. But at this point, she can have her. He's basically a carbon copy of my wife's family. White trash: 2 kids from different moms, got his first girl prego at 16, goes after married women, tattoos, going nowhere in his life. They'd actually be good together. Similar morals. 

He returned a few days ago and she supposedly told him to never come back again. Maybe, maybe not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel

DevastatedToo said:


> Maybe if she would have quit already, I would have wanted to stay with her, but she set herself up through her past actions to basically have no other option than to work at a ****hut.
> 
> I wish she would have been a harder worker ad had more motivation to make more steps towards getting out of that job, but she always had excuses. She'll probably be wrinkled and have skin cancer by 40 anyways, so I'm actually glad I don't have to stay married to someone who is so self to tan as much as she does. Yeah, she's hot now, but I wouldn't want to be a widow at age 45 either. Not that I would be necessarily, but lets just look at what her daily actions sew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't beat yourself up. Her changing jobs wouldn't have fixed any of her issues or your marital issues in the slightest. Not with the type of issues she's carrying around in her head. She was most likely going to cheat no matter where she worked. Or even if she didn't work for that matter.


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## DevastatedToo

MattMatt said:


> Annulment. Can you do that?
> 
> Also, Cheaterville? Local papers re the sex for coffee shop in town?:scratchhead:
> 
> Or do you just want to forget about it and move on with your life and look for someone who doesn't strip to her underwear for strangers?


Annulment doesn't work for me unfortunately.

I posted the guy on cheaterville, but don't really want to put my wife. I have hope for her, that she doesn't have to be this person she portrays. Besides, we had a lot of good times together and I still do love her and wouldn't want to hurt her in that way. Imo we had a good relationship, but she messed things up. I think that she has potential to be with another nice guy at some point, but in order for that to last she will need to work really hard.

Yeah, I want to move on. It's not that she strips for strangers (other than her affair). She stands in her underwear and guys drive up and order coffee and she makes it in her underwear. She doesn't show any more or strip any more than what she did at the start of the day, so it's better than actually being a stripper who gets naked and let's guys touch her while putting money in her undies and grinds guys for money. It's not that bad.

But yeah, I won't get into any serious relationship with a girl like this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo

Jasel said:


> Don't beat yourself up. Her changing jobs wouldn't have fixed any of her issues or your marital issues in the slightest. Not with the type of issues she's carrying around in her head. She was most likely going to cheat no matter where she worked. Or even if she didn't work for that matter.


Agreed, which is why I gave up on the idea of her changing jobs especially since it would really mess up her ability to take care of herself, and I can't afford both of us atm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer

Think maybe the admins could merge these 2 posters' threads?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

If the OP is still reading this, if you want your marriage then it's time to choose: crappy moral friends, selling coffee in your panties or you husband.

It really isn't ok to be working where you are if you want a successful marriage, it's a great place to make $$$, it's a growth place to meet and hang out with party chicks who all have lives full of losers and drama, it's a great place to meet sleazy guys who will over pay and over top for coffee so they can hit on you and stare at you. It's a great place to meet losers to have sex with.

It's not a place that has even one thing that helps a marriage. In fact I'm guessing all the other girls there have a lot of drama and stuff going on in their lives. Do any of the have stable marriages? Any stable marriages that have last for more than 5 years ?

You hang with trash, you beyond trash from their constant influence.

But your still there so you have obviously chosen the sleazy life with easy cash over your marriage. You first posted that you wanted to do anything to fix what you destroyed. Easy words to say, but you returned right back to the place filled with sleazy losers hitting on you the next day. 

You want your marriage? Then fight for it by doing hard things, taking the easy way isn't a ath to success.

You know why you get $$$ for long what you do? Because most other women realize what a personal price it costs them emotionally and in their relationships to do it. Sure there are the drama chicks who bounce from relationship and guys and conflict and other guys who do it because it provides $$ and a nice steady stream of new losers to date.

Look I'm not a prude so I'm not saying to quit because of morals. I am saying to quit because of the trashy people that it brings you in contact with. Both the girls you work with and the losers who come to your place.


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## bfree

Shaggy said:


> If the OP is still reading this, if you want your marriage then it's time to choose: crappy moral friends, selling coffee in your panties or you husband.
> 
> It really isn't ok to be working where you are if you want a successful marriage, it's a great place to make $$$, it's a growth place to meet and hang out with party chicks who all have lives full of losers and drama, it's a great place to meet sleazy guys who will over pay and over top for coffee so they can hit on you and stare at you. It's a great place to meet losers to have sex with.
> 
> It's not a place that has even one thing that helps a marriage. In fact I'm guessing all the other girls there have a lot of drama and stuff going on in their lives. Do any of the have stable marriages? Any stable marriages that have last for more than 5 years ?
> 
> You hang with trash, you beyond trash from their constant influence.
> 
> But your still there so you have obviously chosen the sleazy life with easy cash over your marriage. You first posted that you wanted to do anything to fix what you destroyed. Easy words to say, but you returned right back to the place filled with sleazy losers hitting on you the next day.
> 
> You want your marriage? Then fight for it by doing hard things, taking the easy way isn't a ath to success.
> 
> You know why you get $$$ for long what you do? Because most other women realize what a personal price it costs them emotionally and in their relationships to do it. Sure there are the drama chicks who bounce from relationship and guys and conflict and other guys who do it because it provides $$ and a nice steady stream of new losers to date.
> 
> Look I'm not a prude so I'm not saying to quit because of morals. I am saying to quit because of the trashy people that it brings you in contact with. Both the girls you work with and the losers who come to your place.


:iagree:

Frankly the only woman I want serving me coffee partially naked is my wife. The OP's place of employment is just disgusting.


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## DevastatedToo

Shaggy,

Her quitting now doesn't fix the fundamental issues in our relationship. That's why I am leaving. I mean, I think she should claw her way out if that hole she is in called a bikini stand so she has a fighting chance when it comes to real self esteem and influences who are good for her. But it won't help our marriage. God himself would have to come down from heaven now for me to stop filing for divorce, and I don't really believe in god.

Since her friends and family all pretty much fit in the category of disfunctional people, even if she quit her job and rejected most of her friends, then she would have no one. I have a better support system than her. I can rely on my dad if I need financial help. No one there to help her. She's on her own pretty much, which is unfair, but it's how it is. Maybe we could say she should abandon all her friends and family who are like this, but really, I thinks it's too much to bite off in one chunk. She has to still have these poor influences, or she has no one there for her and nowhere to go. 

I think the most reasonable thing for her to do if she really wants to stop surrounding herself with this crowd is to wean herself off of them while reaching for her dreams, and then, only accept friendships with people who show true values. Then wean yourself off the bad influences towards having good influences. There has to be some transition. Of course, this is all semantics. She might just be loyal to the people in her lives that won't leave her, despite displaying horrible traits.

Something that always bugged me about my wife is that she chooses and judges friends and people solely on how they treat her. She completely ignores how they treat others. She is blind when it comes to judging people by their actions and the content of their character. I think she is starting to understand this now, so hopefully it leads her to positive people in her future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

DevastatedToo said:


> Shaggy,
> 
> Her quitting now doesn't fix the fundamental issues in our relationship. That's why I am leaving. I mean, I think she should claw her way out if that hole she is in called a bikini stand so she has a fighting chance when it comes to real self esteem and influences who are good for her. But it won't help our marriage. God himself would have to come down from heaven now for me to stop filing for divorce, and I don't really believe in god.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It actually might give it a chance. If she really chose you, and put in hard hard work to fix the relationship, then you just might change you mind. In time.

I can see where you are coming from however.

Talk is cheap and she has a history of not doing the hard work. She focuses on the immediate easy thing with out looking at the future.

Her job reflects that. It's not a long term job, it's something that is not building her resume or setting up a career for when she's older and can't draw the tips.

So you have no faith in her.


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## Shaggy

And as for a support system, she can choose to upgrade friends, and to build her main friendship around you where it belongs.


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## Damaged Goods

Your all correct I had the choice to quit my job, he knew a while ago he wasn't willing to ever forgive me and told me to not quit my job so that I can take care of myself financially when he's gone. He has made his choice. I'm focusing on me by moving out and continuing to work on my issues through IC and reading and keeping bad people out of my life. When I'm more financially able to quit my job and move onto something better I will. I'm 21 years old. I have a lot to learn. He doesn't deserve me at all. Those of you who think ill never change or have no hope have a right to your opinion but i do want to get help and become a better person. The thing is has always said things that were red flags to me. "We're not compatible" "we have nothing in common" "I don't like your friends" and a handful of things about my personality and appearance that he didnt like, he was constanlty puttig me down. I married him even though I questioned his ability to be okay with who I am. We both love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough. I could sit here and tell you all his flaws but it wouldn't matter, I'm the cheater so ill always be the bad guy. And I'm okay with that. I'm human, I made a huge mistake that I am facing the consequences of and all I can do is take the lessons from it and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman

So is Damagedgoods done posting?


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## DevastatedToo

Shaggy said:


> It actually might give it a chance. If she really chose you, and put in hard hard work to fix the relationship, then you just might change you mind. In time.
> 
> I can see where you are coming from however.
> 
> Talk is cheap and she has a history of not doing the hard work. She focuses on the immediate easy thing with out looking at the future.
> 
> Her job reflects that. It's not a long term job, it's something that is not building her resume or setting up a career for when she's older and can't draw the tips.
> 
> So you have no faith in her.


Agreed, I have no faith in her. And maybe it would change things, but I highly doubt it. She's put a lot of work in for a couple weeks, which is a start, but also a reminder that even in the hopes that she will become a person who gives, is strong, has good friends, so on and so forth, I'll still always remember she had oral sex, and I'll still always feel deep down she is still lying to me, and I'll still always look down on her, like she is cheat. Despite all her flaws in the past, I felt we were equals. Not in all areas, but I treated her how I wanted to be treated. And now, whether its 5 days, 5 years, or 50 years in the future, I'll always look at this person like they're not quite human. And one factor in this is that she decided on her own that an affair was a good idea. And now she's only being good because I want her to be good. But I'll never know if she's being good to just keep me, or if she's doing it because that's her core belief. Since she violated our vows once, I think being a good wife and human being is not a core value.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedToo

It's true what she says. There were red flags, and I tried to talk with her about them. Some she could change, and the ones she couldn't change, I didn't linger on until the affair happened.

Instead of making changes when things were good between us, she decided that she would rather be stubborn. I think for the most part, I am a decent communicator I'm not perfect and there was miscommunication between us. However, I feel that I (unless I was in a bad mood) was always willing to listen to try to understand her point of view. I gave her constant time to work on these red flags, and felt that even if she wasn't going to change them, it was alright. I still wanted to be with her, but I can't just ignore the elephant in the room, so I occasionally would bring up old issues and try to work through them with her.

The red flags that she could have changed, I didn't push too hard because I know you can't change people. All you can do is try to be a good example and help them work through their issues. I'm no therapist though, and even if I was, wouldn't be right to talk about some person issues with the intent on helping her to heal her old wounds. Thats what a therapist/counselor was for.

The thing about her having low self esteem from me badgering her about her flaws... It's damned if I do, damned if I don't. A normal logical person would listen to criticism that is given, and take it into consideration, and from time to time make adjustments. 

Like if I were to say to a friend, 'Hey, I wish you would come over to my house sometimes, because I feel like I always have to goto your house, and it's annoying that you always expect me to drive". This is a real example I have from my life. Well, a good friend, they would try to see the validity in my opinion, and make adjustments, and my friend did. And it wasn't ever an issue again.

My wife on the other hand would hear criticism and occasionally be willing to talk about it. However, she would usually just zone out or get defensive. But pretty much whatever her response was, she made no adjustment. Sometimes these were things that affected me directly, and sometimes they were things that were basically setting herself up to fail. Now, I know we have different personalities, and she isn't obligated to take any of my advice or recommendations at all. Nevertheless, she never made any real effort. She in fact would usually be willing to fight for an hour/hours instead of just doing what I am asking. The things I would ask for were reasonable, logical, and fair. I know I can't get my way every time, but she probably got her way 99% of the time when it comes to me giving her suggestions.

And the response to my suggestions... low self esteem? I treated her extremely well and showed her in every way I can that even though she has some problems, I am willing to help her along the way, and even if she wants to reject my ideas, I'm still going to love her and treat her well. Yeah, sometimes I would get mad, but when all the negative emotions were gone, there was just love.

After the affair, I began to finally associate the things that she can't change about herself with who she is, simply because I can't explain where else that type of behavior would come from. I mean, who's coping mechanism says "i'm lonely, so I will get in bed with a stranger and break my marriage vows"?

Surely not mine. If I were to be neglected, I might get emotional about it, or try to find hobbies to focus on. I in fact expected to eventually be neglected when she goes back to school full time. I would use my free time to improve my life and to be there for her knowing that she will be focused on her school and stressed and unable to be there for me very much. I would never, not in a million years, be able to think that a few weeks of neglect (for a good reason too) could relate to or even lead in the direction of an affair. They're just not connected in my brain.


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## DevastatedToo

2asdf2 said:


> I think you are going way over in your judgement.
> 
> After hearing about your own secrets, I think you should be more humble and understanding.
> 
> She is trying, isn't she?
> 
> What if a BJ is really as far as she went? Is that a deal-breaker for you?


She is trying, well, was, until last night when I told her I want a divorce. 

One BJ is too far. Seriously. Who does that after 8 months? I mean, it's kinda nice it happened early so we can focus on whether we want to be together for ourself, vs for the life we have built together (potential kids in the future). But at the same time, that's some seriously messed up stuff. Get into bed with a guy after 8 months of marriage.

I mean, if our marriage was showing signs of real issues for long periods of time, and I knew I had neglected her and not tried my best with her, I might be able to own some of the responsibility. But that's not the case. She had an affair for a reason I can't relate to at all, and in a way I will never be able to forgive. I'm not interested in lying to my kids about my wife's affair if we had kids, and at the same time, I'm not interested in having kids that think affairs are acceptable. She's bound to do this again. I mean, what happens if I get in a car accident and am in the hospital for a few months?

Her brain is going to tell her to get validation from another guy. Will she do it? Not sure, but thats the way her brain works. It's messed up.


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## DevastatedToo

Besides, me calling her out on all this stuff is probably just helping to cement in her mind the fact that i'm a jerk for bringing this all up and that we aren't right for each other. Me calling her out doesn't make her feel like she needs to prove me wrong. It makes her feel like she needs to prove me right.

Part of me wishes I could wake up and this was all a dream, because I still do love her, and I wish this had never happened. But at the same time, the reality of our situation has hit, and I see no hope.


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## warlock07

So how is she reacting when you told her about your decision to divorce ?


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## Shaggy

Damaged Goods said:


> Your all correct I had the choice to quit my job, he knew a while ago he wasn't willing to ever forgive me and told me to not quit my job so that I can take care of myself financially when he's gone. He has made his choice. I'm focusing on me by moving out and continuing to work on my issues through IC and reading and keeping bad people out of my life. When I'm more financially able to quit my job and move onto something better I will. I'm 21 years old. I have a lot to learn. He doesn't deserve me at all. Those of you who think ill never change or have no hope have a right to your opinion but i do want to get help and become a better person. The thing is has always said things that were red flags to me. "We're not compatible" "we have nothing in common" "I don't like your friends" and a handful of things about my personality and appearance that he didnt like, he was constanlty puttig me down. I married him even though I questioned his ability to be okay with who I am. We both love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough. I could sit here and tell you all his flaws but it wouldn't matter, I'm the cheater so ill always be the bad guy. And I'm okay with that. I'm human, I made a huge mistake that I am facing the consequences of and all I can do is take the lessons from it and move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DG,please read your post again and ask, where in here are you doing any hardwork.

I read excuses, like you'll quit ye job when you get some more cash and then you'll look for something better. That's just putting it off with an excuse.

Yeah, you are young. That excuse runs out right after high school. When your in school opportunities keep coming up and at you. When you are out and am adult, you find that it isn't like that. You need to lay the ground work and make good choices with an eye on what you want to do down the road.

What I've noticed in life is that there are two kinds of old people, those who put off and put off and at 40 look back and have a major midlife crisis asking themselves what the heck happened to their lives? Where did all that time go?

And then there are the ones who hit 40 and find they have freedom, stability, connections, opportunity.

The difference? The successful happy ones viewed their early twenties as the time to get busy making their life the one the wanted to live, and the unhappy ones consistently took the easy path , they partied with party folks, they hung out and had fun. They told themselves they had lots of time and that they'd grab the next great opportunity when the time was right.

Some people go through life following what it throws at them, and others make deliberate choices and investments to become what they want to be.

I see you right now doing the first. Easy path, listening to advice from people who've seriously screwed up their own lives.

The thing is you can choose to take the other path.

Right now honestly you're a but cliche. Your 21 married young, about be divorced because you cheated, you're working with girls who serve coffee to losers who come for a cheap peep show.

You have an opportunity to pull this out of the crapper if you choose to.


----------



## warlock07

Damaged Goods said:


> Your all correct I had the choice to quit my job, he knew a while ago he wasn't willing to ever forgive me and told me to not quit my job so that I can take care of myself financially when he's gone. He has made his choice. I'm focusing on me by moving out and continuing to work on my issues through IC and reading and keeping bad people out of my life. When I'm more financially able to quit my job and move onto something better I will. I'm 21 years old. I have a lot to learn. He doesn't deserve me at all. Those of you who think ill never change or have no hope have a right to your opinion but i do want to get help and become a better person. The thing is has always said things that were red flags to me. "We're not compatible" "we have nothing in common" "I don't like your friends" and a handful of things about my personality and appearance that he didnt like, he was constanlty puttig me down. I married him even though I questioned his ability to be okay with who I am. We both love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Don't take this as an attack but this post only confirms how unready you are for a commitment like marriage.(I was much worse than you at 21 though). It is good that you want to improve and better yourself, so keep working on that. Just realize that your repeated lies is what destroyed the marriage..



> I could sit here and tell you all his flaws but it wouldn't matter, I'm the cheater so ill always be the bad guy. And I'm okay with that. I'm human, I made a huge mistake that I am facing the consequences of and all I can do is take the lessons from it and move on.


:scratchhead:


How old were you two when you got together ? One year into marriage at 21 is a bit too early..


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

DevastatedToo said:


> After the affair, I began to finally associate the things that she can't change about herself with who she is, simply because I can't explain where else that type of behavior would come from. I mean, who's coping mechanism says "i'm lonely, so I will get in bed with a stranger and break my marriage vows"?


I think people(you included) are too understanding towards "damaged goods". Seriously with her past, you knew there were bound to be issues, very big ones. What gave you the idea that she would work on herself, to erase the effects of that damage? Well, she didn't and here you are. It's obvious that her unhappiness and loneliness and the way she deals with those stuff comes from the inside, and you cannot change that. Only she can. Maybe she is willing I don't know. But fact is why the hell would you waste your life with her while she is dealing with her own issues in her own goddamn mind.

Yes, I think you should divorce unconditionally. You didn't do anything wrong. If a person can't deal with some weeks of neglect without cheating(I mean seriously wtf), what are you going to do later on when your newlywed shine wears off?

Now, I think she should go to IC and a good one at that, to deal with her issues. And you can't be a safety net, you shouldn't be her safety net. If she becomes a better person with better understanding of herself and empathy for others around her, well great if you are single too yu can date. If she doesn't, at least you have moved on from one really effed up person.


----------



## MattMatt

DG, I an sat typing this in a typical English pub. Even after two pints of strong ale, I can tell you are blame shifting onto your husband. It's all his fault, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DevastatedToo

Warlock, I was 26, she was 21. 

2asdf2, I kept a few secrets that were much smaller. Some were because I wanted her to look at me in a better light than I was at times (embellishing a story to make me look more amazing that I was), one was about a part of my life that I dislike talking to people about. I am proud of it, but most people seem to take it the wrong way, and girlfriends in the past seemed to use it against me. Has nothing to do with it.

But the worst thing I did, when we first started dating, I ended up in bed with an old fling, wanting to do things, back and forth, and eventually my hand went down her pants for about 2 seconds when a loud voice in my head said no. I then got off the bed and slept on the floor. It's a grey area for me when it comes to cheating. Sort of I cheated. I put myself in that situation, and for a moment I did touch her coochie. But at the same time, we never kissed (which for me is about intimacy, which is simply why I bring it up), and didn't go further than that. 

She has a right to be mad about this, but I did have a stopping point before anything really happened, and I wasn't married either. I hadn't made lifetime vows with my wife, and at the time, I viewed my current wife as probably just a fling. I wanted to be single, because I had just got out of a longterm relationship a few months before and wanted to play the field longer. I guess I was on the fence, which is very dangerous. 

I know I lied to her about this for our entire relationship, but I guess when it happened I realized that I didn't want to be a cheater even though I did dabble in it for sure.


----------



## DevastatedToo

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I think people(you included) are too understanding towards "damaged goods". Seriously with her past, you knew there were bound to be issues, very big ones. What gave you the idea that she would work on herself, to erase the effects of that damage? Well, she didn't and here you are. It's obvious that her unhappiness and loneliness and the way she deals with those stuff comes from the inside, and you cannot change that. Only she can. Maybe she is willing I don't know. But fact is why the hell would you waste your life with her while she is dealing with her own issues in her own goddamn mind.
> 
> Yes, I think you should divorce unconditionally. You didn't do anything wrong. If a person can't deal with some weeks of neglect without cheating(I mean seriously wtf), what are you going to do later on when your newlywed shine wears off?
> 
> Now, I think she should go to IC and a good one at that, to deal with her issues. And you can't be a safety net, you shouldn't be her safety net. If she becomes a better person with better understanding of herself and empathy for others around her, well great if you are single too yu can date. If she doesn't, at least you have moved on from one really effed up person.


Shadow,

I wasn't ever aware that her issues would turn to infidelity, or even could. It never registered in my brain. I knew there were issues and I couldn't fix her. But I loved her despite her issues. She did tell me in the past that she wanted to talk to a counselor with these issues. Before we were married, I offered to help pay for sessions. After we were married, sessions were free, but she never partook in them. I guess I gotta look more at what people do, rather than what they say. 

I also assume that I would be happy if she went to counseling, put in real effort, and even if then she had issues just as bad as before, I would still love her knowing that she tried. I was okay with it. I'm no longer, knowing her issues can manifest as an affair.


----------



## warlock07

How long were you two guys together before you married ?


----------



## DevastatedToo

2asdf2 said:


> One touch her coochie.
> 
> Quick lips on his dyck.
> 
> Just be more understanding of a 21 year old.


Naw, it was half an hour on his dyck. And it was while we were married, after we had made vows. 

When the OM touched her coochie, she grabbed for his dyck and it became a mutual affair.

When I touched the other girl, I quit.

I'd have understood if she went over to the guy's house and got in bed with him. But when his hand went down her pants, or when his **** came out, or something... something should have been like OMG YOU CANNOT DO THIS! YOU ARE MARRIED! THIS IS NOT JUST PLAYING AROUND ANYMORE! She should have stopped it. But she went through with it. And then lied to me about it. Then when I found out there was something else, lied for 3 more weeks. And she's probably still lying.

I mean, I even got this feeling when I barely knew the girl. But my wife didn't get this feeling knowing we had lifelong vows.


----------



## DevastatedToo

warlock07 said:


> How long were you two guys together before you married ?


I proposed to her on our 1 year anniversary, and we were married 6 months later I think.


----------



## warlock07

DG, do you think your mother's death played a role in all this. (if you are ok discussing about it)


----------



## Damaged Goods

Shaggy this isn't about fixing it he's DONE. So I'm taking care of myself with the best I have right now. If he was willing to give me the long term change to change and MC I would gladly quit my job for something with less pay. I realize he is serious about divorce and so for the time being to move out and get back into school and healthy productive things I need money. Everyone in this forum is beating a dead horse! He has the power to decided and he had made his decision. He doesn't want me to desperately beg him. I've tried. And I can't change the BIG issues over night. But I'm seeing now that if I ever want a great relationship I need to take care of my issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT

Damaged Goods said:


> Those of you who think ill never change or have no hope have a right to your opinion but i do want to get help and become a better person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you can change.My own critical thinking and decision making were far from mature at 20- 21,especially involving risky type behavior and not fully realizing what the scope of the consequences might be if I made a poor decision.You were wrong in what you did,so it's time for you to pay the piper.Just learn from it...who you are and who you want to be.Lose the rashness of thought and become a better person.Whatever happens I hope that both you and your husband find peace and happiness in life.Take care.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

DevastatedToo said:


> Shadow,
> 
> I wasn't ever aware that her issues would turn to infidelity, or even could. It never registered in my brain. I knew there were issues and I couldn't fix her. But I loved her despite her issues. She did tell me in the past that she wanted to talk to a counselor with these issues. Before we were married, I offered to help pay for sessions. After we were married, sessions were free, but she never partook in them.
> 
> *Yeah that's kinda bad. I thought you just went "Oh there won't be any problem" You seriously did all you can. You verified by talking to her about counseling, she verified by saying she wanted to go. She manipulated you. I dunno maybe she got cold feet when push came to shove. But fact is you cannot make an unwilling person go to counseling.*
> 
> I guess I gotta look more at what people do, rather than what they say.*Yes, you should. There is a manipulative bone in every single person. But the problem is this: What could you have done to make her go? Nothing. If she went there not wanting to, but just to make you happy, she wouldn't get anything out of it.*
> 
> I also assume that I would be happy if she went to counseling, put in real effort, and even if then she had issues just as bad as before, I would still love her knowing that she tried. I was okay with it. I'm no longer, knowing her issues can manifest as an affair.
> 
> *She makes me think of Rookie4's wife. But even she didn't go to the "affairs as a solution to unhappiness" path until MLC.*


----------



## DevastatedToo

2asdf2 said:


> My point is that you need to be more understanding.
> 
> Not forgiving...
> 
> Understanding...
> 
> Are you still lying?


I don't know why I should be understanding when there are very few reasons for us to be together. 

But explain yourself on being more understanding because I don't get your angle.

And no, I'm not still lying. When I told her I want her to take the polygraph, I told her that I would take it too, but in the past was afraid to because if they asked me if I ever cheated, I would have to tell the story about the other girl. It's a grey area, so for me, I feel like I couldn't lie about it.

The other lies were not an issue really after I told her (at least she seemed to say that). I just told her them because I felt like I was keeping them from her and wanted a chance to rebuild without lies.


----------



## warlock07

Damaged Goods said:


> Shaggy this isn't about fixing it he's DONE. So I'm taking care of myself with the best I have right now. If he was willing to give me the long term change to change and MC I would gladly quit my job for something with less pay. I realize he is serious about divorce and so for the time being to move out and get back into school and healthy productive things I need money. Everyone in this forum is beating a dead horse! He has the power to decided and he had made his decision. He doesn't want me to desperately beg him. I've tried. And I can't change the BIG issues over night. But I'm seeing now that if I ever want a great relationship I need to take care of my issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DG, read a few threads over here if you can.especially his one(http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html) It is a long read but if can read it, you can understand the thought process a betrayed spouse goes through after finding about it.

How did you rationalize cheating on him ? What went through your mind ?


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

Damaged Goods said:


> Shaggy this isn't about fixing it he's DONE. So I'm taking care of myself with the best I have right now. If he was willing to give me the long term change to change and MC I would gladly quit my job for something with less pay. I realize he is serious about divorce and so for the time being to move out and get back into school and healthy productive things I need money. Everyone in this forum is beating a dead horse! He has the power to decided and he had made his decision. He doesn't want me to desperately beg him. I've tried. And I can't change the BIG issues over night. But I'm seeing now that if I ever want a great relationship I need to take care of my issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Read about what rookie4's wife did. He divorced her after the affair and she worked on herself for a long time without any hope of him taking her back.*


----------



## bfree

Damaged Goods said:


> Shaggy this isn't about fixing it he's DONE. So I'm taking care of myself with the best I have right now. If he was willing to give me the long term change to change and MC I would gladly quit my job for something with less pay. I realize he is serious about divorce and so for the time being to move out and get back into school and healthy productive things I need money. Everyone in this forum is beating a dead horse! He has the power to decided and he had made his decision. He doesn't want me to desperately beg him. I've tried. And I can't change the BIG issues over night. But I'm seeing now that if I ever want a great relationship I need to take care of my issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So because your husband has decided to divorce you you're going to continue to be a coffee wh0re? What about making changes for yourself? Don't you have any self respect? Every day you continue to work there you are losing more of your soul. At some point there won't be anything self. What kind of man are you going to get then? Will you even be able to make an emotional connection with a man in a committed relationship? The damage is cumulative. Get out now and stop making idiotic excuses.


----------



## bfree

2asdf2 said:


> My point relates to your earlier post where you said you were looking down on her as a less worthy person than you.
> 
> As it develops, you two are not much different from each other.
> 
> She lied, you lied.
> 
> She cheated, you cheated.
> 
> She is 21. You are 26. Quite a difference in the maturity timeline.
> 
> Divorce her, by all means. But don't think she is your inferior. She is not.


So you don't see the difference between what he did before they were even a committed couple and what she did after marriage? I agree he shouldn't have lied about it but come on.


----------



## DevastatedToo

Guys, thank you for your help. I'm quitting this forum. Anyone know how to do it? I'm thinking of just entering a random pw to change my pw to.


----------



## SoulStorm

Damaged Goods said:


> Shaggy this isn't about fixing it he's DONE. So I'm taking care of myself with the best I have right now. If he was willing to give me the long term change to change and MC I would gladly quit my job for something with less pay. I realize he is serious about divorce and so for the time being to move out and get back into school and healthy productive things I need money. Everyone in this forum is beating a dead horse! He has the power to decided and he had made his decision. He doesn't want me to desperately beg him. I've tried. And I can't change the BIG issues over night. But I'm seeing now that if I ever want a great relationship I need to take care of my issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You gave up too easily. If you want something bad enough you work hard for it. 
I see you are willing to take a poly.

Have you read any books?
Scheduled any individual counseling?
Been transparent
Been proactive (quitting the job on your own and taking the lesser paying one)
Have you really quit all contact?
I found that guy on cheaterville..he isn't the take no for an answer guy.
He seems real full of himself..yep..he's a real winner

You allowed this guy to end your marriage. I think you need to work harder to fix it rather than throwing in the towel because your husband is angry and doesn't believe you.

If you can't do that..then good luck in the future.

I really hope you work to better yourself and come out a better person down the road.
Otherwise you will be repeating this behavior and ruining your next marriage.

Get counseling
Get healthy
Good luck


----------



## JCD

For the record, I think it is an unsuitable thing for both people to post on the same thread. The occasional peek in to explain a point, but really, tell your story on your own thread.

I like to think people can change. I hope I'm not the same person I was even two years ago.

But two years is a long time to people in their twenties.

So...chalk it up to life lessons and move on.

Twenty one is a very early age to marry.


----------



## sharkeey

JCD said:


> For the record, I think it is an unsuitable thing for both people to post on the same thread.


Especially when all they do is talk about the other person as if they're not even there.

The two of you are getting divorced.

Who gives a rat's ass what the other person should do with their lives?


----------



## JMGrey

God almighty, why is this thread even still alive? DT has made the apparently firm decision to divorce. DG has apparently decided not to contest it and instead is trying to focus on being less of a terrible human being. Let it die.


----------



## morituri

DT

I may be wrong about this but I suspect that if you had no doubts in your decision to divorce your wife, DG, you wouldn't have registered and started posting on this site. Are you seeking validation for your decision from others who have been in your shoes?


----------



## dogman

This is a train wreck. 
You just need to bag it and if sometime later you guys find each other and see a future you can pursue it.

As long as DT can handle a dozen more notches on the baristas belt it'll be cool. Since he says he wants a divorce she immediately gives up within hours and is happy to stay at the bikini bar and "work on herself" ha! 

She should...

Quit the bikini thing

Continue to be there to work it out as long as it takes no matter what he says (because every BS on here has, at some point said they want a Divorce)

Stay away from any other men especially the OM until you are actually divorced (again, it's a sign that you understand the vows that are in place until you are divorced not separated)

Be consistently remorseful and take him to task for his transgression as well

Start to really understand the vows you took so lightly. (this goes for both of you)


----------



## dogman

JMGrey said:


> God almighty, why is this thread even still alive? DT has made the apparently firm decision to divorce. DG has apparently decided not to contest it and instead is trying to focus on being less of a terrible human being. Let it die.



At this point no decision is concrete.


----------



## sharkeey

JMGrey said:


> God almighty, why is this thread even still alive?


Because we're learning important things, such as there are places to go where women serve coffee in their underwear and give BJs to the customers.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

sharkeey said:


> Because we're learning important things, such as there are places to go where women serve coffee in their underwear and give BJs to the customers.


That's hot. I mean the coffee.


----------



## theroad

MattMatt said:


> It worked great for B1 and EI...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the beginning it is best for the WS and the BS to stay off of each other's threads.

Though it would be great to put their spouses screen name in the tagline so we can follow who is married to who.


----------



## Entropy3000

I feel like I was part of an one of those infomercials. An advertisement for this new trendy bikini barista stuff.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

2asdf2 said:


> There are differences.
> 
> Not enough to justify his derisive view of her.


 Plenty enough for him, just not enough for you.



> She has enough self-esteem issues without his help.


They both have self esteem issues that neither has helped. He should have kept this forum to himself, just like Dr. Mathias. Personally, I think the problem lies in what we read and what they see at home.

I felt really bad for both women and then I'd read their spouses version of events. Yes, even CSS and Calvin's threads are ugly. Maybe you guys can point me to one where it works, when both spouses post, because I haven't ran across one yet.


----------



## Jasel

DevastatedToo said:


> Guys, thank you for your help. I'm quitting this forum. Anyone know how to do it? I'm thinking of just entering a random pw to change my pw to.


Best of luck to you. And if you ever want to come back under a different name feel free to. (hope that's not against forum rules or something)


----------



## JMGrey

sharkeey said:


> Because we're learning important things, such as there are places to go where women serve coffee in their underwear and give BJs to the customers.


Seems like a waste of perfectly good coffee to me, but then I've been accused more than once of having a poor grasp of priorities.


----------



## Summer4744

2asdf2 said:


> There are differences.
> 
> Not enough to justify his derisive view of her.
> 
> She has enough self-esteem issues without his help.


Leave this poor guy alone. Jesus! 

Who are you to tell this guy whether he is being to harsh or not?

What are you just transferring whatever happened in your life to him? Not everyone will have the same loose views as you.


----------



## sharkeey

DevastatedToo said:


> Guys, thank you for your help. I'm quitting this forum.


WAIT!

You didn't post the address of the coffee strip joint!

I'd never pay $5 for a Starbucks coffee but this is totally different.


----------



## JMGrey

sharkeey said:


> WAIT!
> 
> You didn't post the address of the coffee strip joint!
> 
> I'd never pay $5 for a Starbucks coffee but this is totally different.


If I had to guess I would say it's the Java Juggs Espresso coffee shop in Everett, WA.


----------



## 3putt

JMGrey said:


> If I had to guess I would say it's the Java Juggs Espresso coffee shop in Everett, WA.


That sound you just heard was every male on TAM initiating a Google search of Java Juggs Expresso coffee shop.


----------



## JMGrey

3putt said:


> That sound you just heard was every male on TAM initiating a Google search of Java Juggs Expresso coffee shop.


Eh, it's just a guess on my part. There are plenty of "bikini barista" type establishments in WA, but that particular one has been nailed in the past with lewd conduct charges.


----------



## sharkeey

They have French Vanilla creamer!

I'm in. 

It would be a good place for a TAM group meetup.


----------



## 2asdf2

Summer4744 said:


> Leave this poor guy alone. Jesus!
> 
> *Who are you to tell this guy whether he is being to harsh or not?*
> 
> What are you just transferring whatever happened in your life to him? *Not everyone will have the same loose views as you.*


I guess you did not read about his own deeds.

Who are you to tell me whether my views are loose or not?


----------



## sharkeey

2asdf2 said:


> Who are you to tell me whether my views are loose or not?


As long as we're telling people what to do, I'm going to take this opportunity to question how much thought you put into your username.

Lets discuss it over coffee, I know a place.


----------



## 2asdf2

sharkeey said:


> As long as we're telling people what to do, I'm going to take this opportunity to question how much thought you put into your username.
> 
> Lets discuss it over coffee, I know a place.


What shall I wear?:scratchhead:


----------



## working_together

Damaged Goods said:


> Your all correct I had the choice to quit my job, he knew a while ago he wasn't willing to ever forgive me and told me to not quit my job so that I can take care of myself financially when he's gone. He has made his choice. I'm focusing on me by moving out and continuing to work on my issues through IC and reading and keeping bad people out of my life. When I'm more financially able to quit my job and move onto something better I will. I'm 21 years old. I have a lot to learn. He doesn't deserve me at all. Those of you who think ill never change or have no hope have a right to your opinion but i do want to get help and become a better person. The thing is has always said things that were red flags to me. "We're not compatible" "we have nothing in common" "I don't like your friends" and a handful of things about my personality and appearance that he didnt like, he was constanlty puttig me down. I married him even though I questioned his ability to be okay with who I am. We both love each other, but sometimes love isn't enough. I could sit here and tell you all his flaws but it wouldn't matter, I'm the cheater so ill always be the bad guy. And I'm okay with that. I'm human, I made a huge mistake that I am facing the consequences of and all I can do is take the lessons from it and move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, you are a cheater, but wow, I can't believe that you even want to post here any more, seriously, people here think you are a piece of trash. I think people are being really judgemental, and really mean, I don't think anyone deserves to be treated that way. I think that any person who posts on here saying that they have cheated and want help deserves to be treated with some respect, and not shot down to be made to feel worse. It sounds like character assination to me.

As a couple, the more you guys focus on your cheating, the more he will never get over it. You need to deal with it, get the therapy, and move on quickly. It's devestating in any relationship, and sometimes TAM isn't helpful with their harsh words. It becomes confusing for the bs when they hear what others are saying about the "cheater", and they agree, but are also still in love with their spouse. 

You've made a poor choice, nevermind all the bull crap of everything, either work on it, or move on. Whether are not you're serving drinks in your underwear shouldn't be an issue, a cheater will cheat in a business suit at a law firm. It's about setting clear boundaries, and how one feels about themselves, what's missing in their life. If you aren't happy with things in your relationship, speak up, and talk about it until the other person gets it, if they don't, then time to move on.

I truly wish you good luck, and after all the stuff your husband said about you, I'm not so sure I'd want to stick around, that's going to be a lot of baggage to get over.


----------



## Decorum

Damaged Goods said:


> Shaggy this isn't about fixing it he's DONE. So I'm taking care of myself with the best I have right now. If he was willing to give me the long term change to change and MC I would gladly quit my job for something with less pay. I realize he is serious about divorce and so for the time being to move out and get back into school and healthy productive things I need money. Everyone in this forum is beating a dead horse! He has the power to decided and he had made his decision. He doesn't want me to desperately beg him. I've tried. And I can't change the BIG issues over night. But I'm seeing now that if I ever want a great relationship I need to take care of my issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damaged Goods,
No human being is disposable, I hope you follow through on you intentions to change. You are saying the right things now, it takes more inner strength and determination later on.

I have daughters your age and I would always want them to have a chance to redeem themselves. I do think DT is doing the right thing by divorcing you, it is a hard lesson to learn but the purpose of pain is to educate us, please learn from it.

I sense that its easy for you to harden yourself to pain, that is the wrong approach, its what got you where you are.

The pain you have felt is very real but you need to know that it is a different pain then what a husband (or any betrayed spouse) feels.

You will never know that unless it happens to you, its goes way beyond what you have felt so far.

Please stay here and read some of these threads, they will help you understand it, and understanding it will help you cement your resolve to never do it. You will be supprised. I know I was.

You say you have more to learn,then stick around and do it in real time as you see the damage and pain infidelity causes and what it takes to move past it both for the wayward and the betrayed spouse. It is replayed here everyday.

If your do and you are on a road to being a better person consider me a friend here.

Take care!


----------



## sharkeey

2asdf2 said:


> Thanks for the reassurance!


If you can, wear large sunglasses with polarized lenses.

That way I can see whose serving coffee behind me also.


----------



## Madman1

sharkeey said:


> Doesn't matter I won't be looking at YOU.


I ah, I ah, I forgot what I was going to say.


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## MattMatt

JMGrey said:


> Eh, it's just a guess on my part. There are plenty of "bikini barista" type establishments in WA, but that particular one has been nailed in the past with lewd conduct charges.


Oh. Wonder how many marriages or relationships have foundered over a cup of coffee, there?


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## MattMatt

You both had faults. I think you both need IC to ensure that when you get married you will both be the kind of person who will be the one spouse for that special someone.

My heartfelt good wishes to both of you. Really. You are both good people who need to do some serious growing up.


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## JMGrey

MattMatt said:


> Oh. Wonder how many marriages or relationships have foundered over a cup of coffee, there?


A number I imagine, though certainly not so many as pornography, beaches or college campuses. People need to realize that as soon as you willingly fantasize about someone other than a spouse, you're already a cheater because you've placed your sexual gratification above your commitment to them. Once you get into that habit mentally, it really just becomes a matter of means and opportunity.


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## Shaggy

Dg, go lookup a guy here called juicer and read his story.


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## old timer

sharkeey said:


> Because we're learning important things, such as there are places to go where women serve coffee in their underwear and give BJs to the customers.


Damn right!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman

working_together said:


> Yes, you are a cheater, but wow, I can't believe that you even want to post here any more, seriously, people here think you are a piece of trash. I think people are being really judgemental, and really mean, I don't think anyone deserves to be treated that way. I think that any person who posts on here saying that they have cheated and want help deserves to be treated with some respect, and not shot down to be made to feel worse. It sounds like character assination to me.
> 
> As a couple, the more you guys focus on your cheating, the more he will never get over it. You need to deal with it, get the therapy, and move on quickly. It's devestating in any relationship, and sometimes TAM isn't helpful with their harsh words. It becomes confusing for the bs when they hear what others are saying about the "cheater", and they agree, but are also still in love with their spouse.
> 
> You've made a poor choice, nevermind all the bull crap of everything, either work on it, or move on. Whether are not you're serving drinks in your underwear shouldn't be an issue, a cheater will cheat in a business suit at a law firm. It's about setting clear boundaries, and how one feels about themselves, what's missing in their life. If you aren't happy with things in your relationship, speak up, and talk about it until the other person gets it, if they don't, then time to move on.
> 
> I truly wish you good luck, and after all the stuff your husband said about you, I'm not so sure I'd want to stick around, that's going to be a lot of baggage to get over.


I'm surprised at you, working together. After the pain you know a BS goes through, and the early stages of dealing with it, that you would play it down at all is surprising.

The way I see it, she has to ride this out. He is testing her commitment. Yes he said some rough stuff, but I'm willing to bet you can remember some rough things your husband said to you without searching your memory too hard.

It's a process. The hurt is poison, and it has to come out sooner or later. 

The minute he said I want a divorce she said ok then let's move on and I'll keep my barista job. It shows no fortitude at all and this after only 8 months of marriage.

She deserves a hard time from all Of us because she doesn't get it.

He also needs to realize what he did was cheating as well.

There's hope here but I think immaturity will win the day.


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## Mousie

My story is very much the same as yours. Almost down to the exact details. I don't have much advice, as I am currently fighting the same battle. 

Trying to convince my husband that I do love him. Even though he feels like he wasn't enough to keep me happy. My husband and I got married very quickly and then were almost immediately separated from each other for about 4 months. I found someone else that gave me the attention that I was seeking and let things go way too far. 

Everyday will be a battle. Probably from now until forever. It looks like we all just have to hopefully take the bad days with the good and hopefully sometime there will be MORE good than bad.


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