# Probably shouldn't engage, or maybe its worth it?



## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

Had a little text fight with husband because he posted himself watching a kid's football game (his new gf's son's). I don't follow him on social media because I don't want to see what he's up to. My kid saw it, told me about it, and she was hurting. He traumatized her over the last handful of years with his very off behavior, his weed obsession, anger, neglect, his selfish behavior. I received a text from him right as she was texting me about his photo.

I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to him but for the timing of both of them texting me at the same time, and me becoming very angry due to my kid's reaction, and not taking time to cool off. I said I heard he's playing father to some kid, and yet he didn't give a care about his own. And I said he is horrible to his children. He said he didn't care what I hear or what I think. He thinks someone else (not our kid) told me about his playing father to another kid, and called me a f'in liar. Bizarre!

I asked him to be discreet. to try to not hurt others, which he seems to enjoy in general. He can be insanely selfish. His response was that me and our kid wanted him gone and added a flip off emoji. 

I said he had been out of control, selfish, out of line, entitled, and acting like a child to our child (in the months leading up to me telling him we need to separate/I want a divorce). No response.

I don't know if I said or did anything I shouldn't have with that interaction. Maybe it was best not to bring up the picture he posted? But seriously he left two months ago (tucked tail to another state a couple states away). He met and moved in with some woman he only knew for a few weeks or so. We haven't even filed for divorce yet. He abandoned our kid to "save himself" elsewhere. He has mental health issues (or now he claims he's no longer having mental health issues). 

Granted, its likely best he left the area, and I don't exactly care that he's with someone else. I just am working through acknowledging his terrible behavior over the years. I usually put responsibility on my head to smooth things over. I can usually always see things from his point of view and understand why he does the things he does. But he has been very nasty to me over the years, while claiming to love me dearly. I have tiptoed around him quite a bit. It felt good to tell him he is terrible.

Oh well. Its hard making sense of all of this and I'm still working on not engaging him. Then again, I kinda wanted to stand up for my kid, or rather I had mama bear reaction and wanted him to know how hurtful he is. 

I want to tell him I hate him (I won't).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

meanderingmuffin said:


> Had a little text fight with husband because he posted himself watching a kid's football game (his new gf's son's). I don't follow him on social media because I don't want to see what he's up to. My kid saw it, told me about it, and she was hurting. He traumatized her over the last handful of years with his very off behavior, his weed obsession, anger, neglect, his selfish behavior. I received a text from him right as she was texting me about his photo.
> 
> I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to him but for the timing of both of them texting me at the same time, and me becoming very angry due to my kid's reaction, and not taking time to cool off. I said I heard he's playing father to some kid, and yet he didn't give a care about his own. And I said he is horrible to his children. He said he didn't care what I hear or what I think. He thinks someone else (not our kid) told me about his playing father to another kid, and called me a f'in liar. Bizarre!
> 
> ...


I get your reaction and I probably would have done the same or worse.

But really for your own mental health, you should block him completely and get that divorce started. He can contact your lawyer if he wants to communicate. If I recall correctly, he is abandoning you and your child, so to H with him. Block him completely, everywhere.

It's going to be a constant struggle with your kid, she's always going to hear this or that and be hurt by it. All you can do is tell her daddy changed and now is someone you don't know. Don't try to explain the unexplainable.

Congrats on the mama bear thing though... that's an excellent quality to have right now. Don't let that go you may will need it again.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Stop with the anger and telling him what he's doing wrong. Because when you do that, the ONLY thing he's thinking is "yeah, she still wants me". Trust me on this. 

Silence is golden. Even though it pisses you off, don't let him know that. He's not going to listen to your advice anyway.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He doesn't care how selfish or hurtful he is. No matter how many times you tell him, he'll just look at it as, he can still get to you, you still care, you're still engaged, etc...

Please seek legal counsel and move on with your life. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love his kid. It's not a mental health issue reason, it's because he's a jerk. People who are loving husbands and fathers don't abandon their families to live with others. You really need to accept that you're married to someone who doesn't love you, and you deserve better, otherwise, you will keep this charade going with him forever. You're worth so much more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Let that be a lesson for the next event — because there will be others — and resist. It will never, ever make him see that he’s done anything wrong. Don’t even bother to try. But one way you can help yourself is by divorcing him and moving on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Is divorce final or is it just in the works? The sooner you get that done the better.


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I get your reaction and I probably would have done the same or worse.
> 
> But really for your own mental health, you should block him completely and get that divorce started. He can contact your lawyer if he wants to communicate. If I recall correctly, he is abandoning you and your child, so to H with him. Block him completely, everywhere.
> 
> ...


True. I really don't need to speak with him anymore. I'm no longer worrying about his mental health and wellbeing and should only think of my own, and my children's. Its sad how my kids were/are affected by him. It was wrong of me to stay with him for so long, trying to be his rock. Eroded them and me only. I don't know how or why I did it. I mean I know how it happened, but I'm shocked I was so weak all the while feeling like I was the strong one. 



SCDad01 said:


> Stop with the anger and telling him what he's doing wrong. Because when you do that, the ONLY thing he's thinking is "yeah, she still wants me". Trust me on this.
> 
> Silence is golden. Even though it pisses you off, don't let him know that. He's not going to listen to your advice anyway.


Hah yes thanks. I thought right after the interaction how he is probably pleased that my kid was upset to see him spending time supporting some other random kid. He is so selfish he would only think that its good evidence that she actually cares for him. Backwards sick thinking. 
You're totally right he will not listen to my advice. I had been telling him for months how his behavior was harming our household and kid, and usually his response was that I am not qualified to make those determinations. My mere opinions. Like who's the expert on our family? 



*Deidre* said:


> He doesn't care how selfish or hurtful he is. No matter how many times you tell him, he'll just look at it as, he can still get to you, you still care, you're still engaged, etc...
> 
> Please seek legal counsel and move on with your life. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love his kid. It's not a mental health issue reason, it's because he's a jerk. People who are loving husbands and fathers don't abandon their families to live with others. You really need to accept that you're married to someone who doesn't love you, and you deserve better, otherwise, you will keep this charade going with him forever. You're worth so much more.


Thank you. He said 100 times in our marriage that there were no problems and the only problem was that I bring things up. He started saying that to our kid this year and that's one reason I knew he had to gtfo. He does have mental health issues and trauma. He devolved to where he thought everyone should cater to him, like he was owed. He lashed out at many people. He was having really off thinking. Not mentally or emotionally healthy. I remember the last week we were together, he had said some horrible weird stuff the night before. I was done. The next day he made me coffee in the morning and carried on like nothing happened. He couldn't understand why I was still affected. He said, but I made you coffee this morning so you know I'm not mad anymore! Totally clueless that I didnt care if he was mad--I was the one who had something to be mad over. 



Openminded said:


> Let that be a lesson for the next event — because there will be others — and resist. It will never, ever make him see that he’s done anything wrong. Don’t even bother to try. But one way you can help yourself is by divorcing him and moving on.


Correct thank you. He did say before that he was sorry to have hurt the family so much with his behavior. But he is incapable of doing anything about it. He has to "be himself." He has to stay alive which means running from his wreckage. Yes I am absolutely divorcing him. No question there.



DownByTheRiver said:


> Is divorce final or is it just in the works? The sooner you get that done the better.


Still need to file. Yes the sooner the better at this point.


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

In your opinion, is it okay that I told my 14 year old that her dad is in a new relationship and living with a woman? He had been gone two months from our home when I found out about it, and I told her about a week later. At first I was keeping it from her, not sure why. But then I thought why would it be a secret where her own dad lives and with whom?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

meanderingmuffin said:


> In your opinion, is it okay that I told my 14 year old that her dad is in a new relationship and living with a woman? He had been gone two months from our home when I found out about it, and I told her about a week later. At first I was keeping it from her, not sure why. But then I thought why would it be a secret where her own dad lives and with whom?


Does he see his daughter? That should have been his place to tell her. It’s a new relationship. I don’t disclose my dating and relationship status with my kids unless I want to. That’s my personal life. However, I do not and will not live with anyone else, so there’s that.


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Does he see his daughter? That should have been his place to tell her. It’s a new relationship. I don’t disclose my dating and relationship status with my kids unless I want to. That’s my personal life. However, I do not and will not live with anyone else, so there’s that.


No, he doesn't see her because he abruptly left, moving a few states away, only giving same day notice. He texted her about once a week after he left, basically with just an "I love you" and nothing else. Then he stopped reaching out to her all together a few weeks back or so. We haven't even filed for divorce yet. He only knew this person a couple weeks I imagine then moved in with her- probably out of necessity for somewhere to go.

I can definitely see how its on a parent to decide when to introduce their new relationship to their kid as "their business." I guess this situation felt a lot different than that though. Not sure.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

meanderingmuffin said:


> No, he doesn't see her because he abruptly left, moving a few states away, only giving same day notice. He texted her about once a week after he left, basically with just an "I love you" and nothing else. Then he stopped reaching out to her all together a few weeks back or so. We haven't even filed for divorce yet. He only knew this person a couple weeks I imagine then moved in with her- probably out of necessity for somewhere to go.
> 
> I can definitely see how its on a parent to decide when to introduce their new relationship to their kid as "their business." I guess this situation felt a lot different than that though. Not sure.


So I’d ask you, how was telling your daughter that dad is living with another woman beneficial to her? Did you do it to turn her on him? What are you waiting for to file for divorce? Do you hold out hope that he will come home?


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## meanderingmuffin (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> So I’d ask you, how was telling your daughter that dad is living with another woman beneficial to her? Did you do it to turn her on him? What are you waiting for to file for divorce? Do you hold out hope that he will come home?


I didn't tell her at first in case it would hurt her. I had asked her a few days ahead of time how she would feel when her dad moves on with someone else. She said she wouldn't care. I ended up telling her partly just for her to know that he was no longer at our relatives house because she had mentioned him being at the relative's house still. I mostly told her just because I couldn't think of a reason why it would be kept a secret and I would be lying saying he was still somewhere he wasn't, etc. Seems so phony for no substantial reason. So the only real benefit is to be honest with her about life. We should be able to handle basic reality, not have it hidden from us. I'm thinking its not the same as not introducing new relationships to your kids to spare them the ups and downs of their parent's love life.

I didn't realize the woman had a kid though. So although she no reaction when I told her he had moved in with a lady...a couple weeks later she was momentarily upset when she saw him posting on social media pictures of a kids football game. She realized he was out supporting another kid and spending time with them. She got over it pretty quickly though.

I definitely didn't tell her to turn on him. There was nothing to turn on since she has been against him for along time due to his behaviors.

I guess I got worried today that I did something wrong because she had felt that brief pain about the other kid. And then I blamed myself. And then I started worrying that I told something I should have kept a secret for him? He was lying to me about it, but his relative reached out and told me, plus I noticed he had been acting different. 

Basically he got into my head last night because he accused me of turning the kids against him by making up lies about him. Its ridiculous and not true.

I do not hope he will come back and I do not want to reconcile. I am fighting the last fumes of fantasy that he will magically become normal and our family will be restored. But no, I do not have desire to be with the person he actually is. I haven't filed for divorce because I want to do the paperwork properly and I want it to reflect what I want--and I don't yet know exactly what I want--that is taking me time. There is more than one solution about how to divide things. I am stalling a bit because I am trying to keep financial options open.


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