# Are we just too different?



## treeman (Aug 13, 2014)

Hi all,

I guess I'm just here to gain some perspectives. I guess it helps to discuss the relationship.

We're of Muslim Indian descent, but raised in the west. She comes from a pretty conservative family, but is not really conservative herself. So anyways, we met via family and pressure and social custom was pretty strong. We only dated for like 6 months, before getting married within a year.

It just seems like the issues we talked about during this starting period are still there. I should emphasize communication is really not an issue. She knows my issues. I know her issues. It's really just a matter of knowing what to do about things.

So here's the issues:

1. Religion. While we come from the same background, I had left my religion (agnostic). Believe it or not, I actually left it while we were dating. Since her family was pretty conservative, I felt I owed it to her to have my beliefs sorted out. She still believes. She said she was okay with it. This ties in with the next one.

2. Community. I made it very clear, like a huge deal about not joining her community. It was too religious and conservative for me and it is something I had left. We're Indian, so the culture goes that she joins my family. The way she spoke, I interpreted it as she wanted to leave her community. In a sense, I took this to heart.She never had anything good to say about her family/community. 

The problem is, that while she knows that is her culture and she said that is how I should treat it, she hates that part of her culture. Her dad didn't really see her mom's family. She has issues with that, and of course that is basically how we would have to operate.


Tied in to religion is the idea of kids. I'm finding it hard to imagine my kids being a part of her community. Something I had worked so hard to leave.

The reality is she does value her community. And her parents are a big pushers of community and values, and she still wants to do right by them. 


3. Ex-boyfriend
She had a long relationship (7years) before me with a non-Indian guy.
I really have no problem with her having past relationships. I had my own. 

I had a big issue with the fact no one in her family knew about it. She was terrified of her family and related to community and to me it seemed she wanted to leave it. I mentioned I didn't want one of these Indian girls who just has fun and then settles down back in the community. It is just too common a thing to see. It is not something I was interested in.

I had a big issue if culture/religion played a role in their breakup. I did not want someone who would let that get in the way (especially considering I'd left both the culture and the religion). She was insistent this was not the case. But I can say is I never felt comfortable with it.

The other issue is according to her 'she did everything for him and she felt he only loved her for what she did, not who she is'.
Now, I fully understand personal growth here. But it does bother me that she puts up a huge wall with me, when she did all this for her ex. 

Apparently, he never met her family and wouldn't hang out with her friends. It would be like me saying I wined and dined and treated an ex-girlfriend and wrote her poetry/songs, but now I know better... Heck, she might even be more adversarial as a reaction to her ex. But it nonetheless makes me feel odd. Call it ego or whatever, it doesn't sit well.

4. I'm a bit on an introvert still trying to figure out my 'social circle" Like I said, having left my culture and religion, so I feel like I am building my life and my own community. Call it overly practical thinking, but my wife too said she is an introvert and is 'basically 'western', so figured it was a safe choice for someone to join me in the journey as a nuclear family.

I think is really a big issue and probably plays into the rest.

But the truth is, she already has a community (as above) and a bunch of people she is trying to reconnect with who are mainly Indian. Apparently, she lost track of them when she was with her ex.

So again, an odd cycle, where I am trying to build, she is trying to reconnect with her a community and group of people, I'm trying to leave... and of course she is trying to not make the same mistakes she made with her ex or the sexist indian community values.


Anyways, we did talk about this all before marriage. The problem is we came up with 'deals' and what not or ignored issues, but we found out we can't live a marriage with just deals. It just seems so pointless.

Don't me wrong, when its just me and her, we get along great. But that's like we're great companions. But we don't live in a silo. And the things we both get our back up over (me with religion/community).... her with (power struggles, sexism...) butt heads a lot.

At first, I felt a bit misled/resentment. I was overly clear about my issues. To put it in perspective, we came back from our honeymoon and she starts talking about joining our families. I remember that day... like... hello... what the hell was I talking about for the past year. She said, she just thought it would all work out. I made her happy, and that's all that matters.

But I'm largely over that. It was my own doing for entering into something I was not comfortable with. I should have listened to my gut instead of deal making or ignoring issues. I let the idea of rescuing her from her community trump my instincts. I'm not that dominant of guy and she's not that submissive of a woman to have that happen. I didn't go for 'what I wanted' and I'm finding it hard to get excited over. I went for a safe choice to start building.

It's like we're both too different and moving in different directions. It's as if I wanted to marry the old her (wanted to leave community, life with husband, ... She probably wanted to marry the old me. not opposed to religion, gets enough of the culture to get by... and mistook me for someone who could tag along.

We don't fight much anymore, we just kind of accept it. But it's like we're just living separate lives or really want separate things and we're both a bit hyper sensitive to getting our way. She doesn't want our relationship to be like her ex where she did what he wanted. I don't want the family/cultural powers or the reconnecting life.

I am reasonably comfortable saying I got married for the wrong reasons. The main question I am debating now is, is it worth staying in? like I said, she is a good person on her own. It's just her world and my world do not intersect. We're both in our early 30s, and I really do want a family and kids. But I'm not about to jump into kids with this much uncertainty.

There's no hate or anger or even resentment anymore. It's just a what to do now. I recall in the past even when dwelling on these differences, we'd talk sometimes, and I'd find my passion again.

But I guess you can only do that for so long. Now it just seems like trotting along.

Any thoughts or people been in similar situations?
We have went to therapy, but again. This is not a problem of communication or things like that. It is just a what to do about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a tough situation because there are no huge problems. So it's really comes to what you want.

If you have been unhappy for a long time and find no resolution, then maybe divorce is the answer. You are both young. Doing it now would allow you both to look for new marriages. 

It's sad because it sounds like you are both good people. 

Many people here on TAM have said that this is a good book for your type of situation:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship - Kindle edition by Mira Kirshenbaum. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

Just remember, we are each responsible for our own happiness.


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## Jabez (Aug 12, 2014)

I can relate to how you feel.

I think a big part of any relationship is who is dumping who. It's hardest to be the dumpee.

My thought is that a relationship like this is worth 2 weeks. What I mean by that is dump the kids (somehow), go on holidays, be together. Try to do some of the things you did when you were both happy. Make a promise to each other that you'll be nice, kind & gentle to each other for those 2 weeks. If nohing else it'll be a nice goodbye.

What does he think will happen? Will the grass be greener on the other side? Will he wind up with someone else and in another 10 years discover that he's in the same place, but he's 10 years older? There's something to fight for here - something magical - if you can do it.


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## treeman (Aug 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This is a tough situation because there are no huge problems. So it's really comes to what you want.
> 
> If you have been unhappy for a long time and find no resolution, then maybe divorce is the answer. You are both young. Doing it now would allow you both to look for new marriages.
> 
> ...


Yes, it does come to a question of what do I want. 
My action plan right now is to work hard to establish myself by building my own. I've been really working at that double time.

Then see if I feel differently or if she can see herself fitting in more.

As you say, we are both young and can still live good lives.

Like I said, my biggest mistake was thinking we could somehow apply Indian family rules when neither of us really subscribes to those values. She would not be subservient that way and I'm not dominant enough. There's a reason Asian families operate the way they do (staying in the family class, focusing on family compatibility, strong mother-in-law...). 

There's also overriding issues of roles which annoy me.
Just last night, we were talking and she mentioned how she likes for me to come to things, so she can show me off. I'm pretty entertaining at parties.

The thing is, she herself doesn't want to be a trophy. This stance has softened, but I know she still feels weird about it. She has started taking better care of herself, but again, it doesn't sit well for me. 


So we will see how it plays out. But ultimately, if I'm not happy or there's not much benefit, we'll have to part.
Then I'm not thinking of marriage for a long time


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

It is not your differences that are driving you apart or that you struggle with. You and your wife, as much as you wanted to be honest in who you were before you got married, you were not. She tries to please you and you tried to please her.

Now.... Did you do this because you loved her or because it was what seemed like the right thing to do at that time? I am guessing you wanted to do the "right" thing but it is so hard to hear your own internal voice when the outside influences are telling you right, wrong, good, bad. How can you listen to what your heart and mind tell you?!!

I will not tell you what to do. I do think you and your wife can be honest with each other. I hope you find that you can be honest and not hurt each other too much. Then, once you are honest, listen to what she is saying, listen to what your heart and head say, and don't doubt what you believe deep inside you. This will be your guide.

All the best to you, and I hope you post again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treeman (Aug 13, 2014)

ebp123 said:


> It is not your differences that are driving you apart or that you struggle with. You and your wife, as much as you wanted to be honest in who you were before you got married, you were not. She tries to please you and you tried to please her.
> 
> Now.... Did you do this because you loved her or because it was what seemed like the right thing to do at that time? I am guessing you wanted to do the "right" thing but it is so hard to hear your own internal voice when the outside influences are telling you right, wrong, good, bad. How can you listen to what your heart and mind tell you?!!
> 
> ...


Thanks! I think you hit the nail of the head so to speak. That is basically where we are.


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