# Work and family...



## jerry1234

Lately I feel trapped in a downward spiral situation.

My wife and I have been married for ten years, and have been blesses with two children. Life has had its ups and downs, but we stuck together as a family. While this had been the case, the stresses of work and family life are getting two us.

5 years into our marriage, my wife had to quit work to become a full time mom. This is mainly due to that we couldn't get reliable house helps / baby sitters that we could trust. Her sacrifice wasn't in vain as the kids benefited from her full attention.

It meant that I'm the breadwinner of the family. I have a job that pays relatively ok, but has high demands and has high mental stress due to the nature of the work.

This setup had been ok, but lately the problems are creeping in. For my wife, its impacting her self esteem. She at times under appreciated, because of the way " just housewives" are often socially perceived having lesser contribution to the family than breadwinners.

Social media makes it even worse, when she compares herself to relatives that are career women, who seem to juggle work and family life effortlessly, and are seemingly successful. She feels that people see her doing nothing at home, where in fact she does a lot.

On my end, the demand to perform is really high, and I am often mentally stressed. When I get home, I just want to sleep! When I am with my family I most times absent minded, and my thoughts are solving problems at work.

It is also because of this absent mindedness that during social conversations I fail to "promote" her end of the stick, and usually she perceives that people tend to see me more in a positive light in being a responsible breadwinner, but her efforts where she barely rests as well at housework are left unappreciated.

It reached several boiling points wherein she was really angry at me for this entire situation. When she is angry, she tends to be confusing on what she wants; she is angry at me for talking to her, and she is angry when I dont.

She is angry at me for not saying anything, but when I do say something, she perceives it as the wrong things to be said.

I apologized on this, but the pattern has repeated several times already. She is angry at me for not doing somethinh that will "amaze" her..

In my case I feel so trapped. I work in a place where I am almost always mentally stressed and I try my best to perform as a breadwinner, and put up with all of the crap at work. And when I get home, the situations I mentioned happens.

Sometimes these stresses from work and home happen both at the same time. In many cases, I just find myself at the restroom and lock myself there just to cry and release these pent up stresses.

I feel that she is beginning to resent me, and at times I feel I resent her too. I know that all of this is neither our fault but it is happening more frequently, and feels like a going downwars spiral.

Help!


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## KM87

What sort of things do you say that are perceived as wrong by her? Does she acknowledge your hard work and sacrifices that allow her to stay home and raise your kids? Sounds to me like you need some words of affirmation too.


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## jlg07

I think you two really need to sit and talk. YOU also need to be able to get away from the stresses of the office. Listen, ANY job will try to push you as much as they can get out of you. THEY don't care if YOU are stressed, have home issue, etc., as long as you do what they want. YOU need to put up some boundaries there at work. If not, you will burn out, you WILL NOT be effective at your job when that happens, and then you are in real trouble with the possibility of getting fired. BACK OFF all the job stresses. Prioritize what you need to get done, and if you can't do it, ask your manager what takes priority as there are too many conflicting tasks. It is their job to help you with that and pushing back against this will see that they've reached as far as they can push you. This takes a ton of time to get to this point, but you can if you are consistent with it.

You NEED to get out of the full-time stress as it really is hurting your relationship.
My wife is a full-time SAHM and has been since our son was born. BY Far she has had the more important job than mine. My job provides for our family, so important due to that. HER job has been to raise a great person and she manages the house (of COURSE I've been involved, but as you know the lions share falls to her). I think when the topic comes up among friends or in conversation, you need to vigorously defend her and say what a great job she does and how important it is. You need to tell HER that often as well. Can the both of you do hobbies together or work out together? Physical work helps with stress, and it sounds like you both need that and both need more time together.


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## Vinnydee

In short, this is her problem and you are not going to be able to solve it for her. Try to get her to seek professional help. I did and it made a huge difference in my life. She seems to have low self-esteem and externalizes the cause of her problems. I think she is a prime candidate to see a Psychologist.


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## SunCMars

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The whole world sucks..

It is all YOUR fault.

Shame on you !!!!

................................................................................................

Actually, some is your fault, the rest not.

You can only solve your own problems, 'assist' in solving other's their problems.

You wife is conflicted.
Now, you are conflicted.
Now you two are conflicted.

She does not want to be a SAHM. When possible, when the children are older, let her go back to work.
This may calm her down...may not.
It is worth trying.


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## RoseAglow

Not all women love being SAHMs; it sounds like your wife is among those women.

She is right to feel that SAHMs are looked down upon by a lot of people in society. At the same time, working moms are often looked down upon as well. It doesn't matter what the choice is- there are people who will disagree with it. 

You can see that here at TAM: men should never, ever marry a woman who wants to SAH; on the other hand, it is dangerous to marry a woman who makes more than you- she will never respect you and will likely cheat and leave for someone who makes more, hypergamy, etc. 

Blah blah blah blah blah. As an adult, we each are responsible for our own decisions. Your wife is not fulfilled with her SAHM position right now, for whatever reason. 

How old are your kids now? Are they ready for school, or pre-school? Can she start working somewhere part time? Is there a plan for her to go back to work?

And, it is not fair to you to be the target for her anger. This situation is not working out for either of you. Can the two of you sit down and map out a different plan?


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## personofinterest

Did she WANT to become a SAHM, or was it your idea?


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