# Newly Separated...



## Gabigail (Sep 13, 2008)

....and I feel strange. 
After almost 10 years of marriage, many years of infertility, many more years of unhealthy emotional stuff (stifling husband? I've enabled? he's emotionally absent? again, I've enabled?) he told me he was through the other night, about a week ago. As this is maybe the 4th time he's done this during a fight, and I made a promise to myself to not beg and plead to work it out again, I pulled myself up from the bootstraps and booked a trip cross-country to my sister's house for a bit of mental clarity time. Now, a week later, I feel remarkably good. But tonight I've started thinking about my homecoming, which is coming soon, and have started to feel frightened.
We have pets - one of them a large dog, and I'll only be able to afford a 1 bed apartment. He's "my dog" and I love him to death, and he's a couch potato and I think he will probably be ok, but I'm still worried that I'm being selfish taking him with me. Also, I'm just freaked out about unweaving the lives we've had together for a decade. I've been feeling so good (like I can breathe) but I guess I'm feeling anxious because I'm worried that it will fall on me like a ton of bricks when I get back.... I mean, who goes through a separation and doesn't sit in front of the TV for a week, eating bonbons, crying their eyes out? I've been spending time with family, reading, looking for apartments, dreaming about having my own space, my own spending habits, my own life.
I don't know, a mish mosh of thoughts and feelings here, but if any of you peeps have been through something like this before, or have any words of encouragement, I would really appreciate them.
Thanks


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Guilty Girl just went through a period of seperation so she'd be the best to talk to.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i come from the other side of a separation than you. my wife was the one that left. i'll tell you this: the freedom that you've felt is natural, but the grass is not always greener over there.

for YOUR sake, i would give the relationship a chance. explain to your spouse (there has been no physical abuse, right?) YOU want to keep the relationship healthy and use his response as a barometer.

the best of luck to you. don't do anything for a year is the maxim i've heard thru al-anon, AA and other twelve step programs.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I saw a movie once called _28 days_ and the advice in it was to get a plant, keep it alive for a year, then get an animal, keep it alive for a year, and then try at a relationship again. Pretty sound advice I think.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi!

My husband moved out in April and it hasn't been easy. I've experienced many emotions and have had more questions than answers. I've also had many sleepless nights. My husband and I initally went to couple's marriage counseling. However, after two months I definately wasn't seeing any positive results. All I got from from each session was more emotional damage and more resentment. My husband still sees that therapist and I see a different one. The new therapist has done wonders; I'm now much stronger and focused. So, I recommend you find a counselor and work on YOU. It's amazing how everything around you seems to improve when you have inner peace.

As far as your marriage, you'll have to decide if you want to save it. That's assuming you husband hasn't fully made up his mind yet. He could still be undecided on what he wants even though he has moved out. My husband still says he is 50/50 on staying married. Since my husband and I were married over 20 years, I would really like to save ours. And above all else, I still love my husband (despite everything that has happened). Therefore, I have decided to "take the road less traveled" on my journey. It's not the easy route.

Your life is in turmoil now and you'll find yourself looking for answers. You'll find that you are even unsure of your own feelings sometimes. This forum is a great place to look for answers. Unlike friends and family, most folks on here can offer you an UNBIASED opinion.

Hang in there! Things will improve.


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## stevo7782 (Oct 2, 2008)

hey there, 
first off, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!! i know that sounds impossible but but try as hard as you can. Yoiu just might be right, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. I remember the firs day coming home after work after my wife left, i actually turned around and went to a family members house till i counldnt keep my eyes open. When i could be in our house, i would pace with my cell phone in one hand and the house phone in another, i slept in my cloths with shoes on incase seh called, couldnt eat, sleep or even watch an 1/2 hour tv show without my mind running 200 mph. For 3 whole months i would call her, text her and send emails and none of it worked, it actually drove her further away. I had, what i like to call my emotional dream team, around me. My closest friends and family members were with me the whole time to support me, take me out, from making stupid decisions, to take the phone outta my hand, etc...I would say to surround yourself with positive people and close friends, that seemed to help the most. Besides love, its also a habit, its like trying to quit smoking or anything else. I saw a theripist for a long time ,it helped, but i always thought about her still. Once i stopped the calls and everything else i started to find myself once again. I started to worry about me and not her or our marriage. We cant control other peoples feelings or the situation our selves all we can do is put our feelings on the table and then walk away from it, what the other person does with it is up to them...good luck...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ok stevo, what was the end game for you. did things work out, are they working out? it's one thing to find out you went through what we all did. did the result turn out different, what did you do? you saw a therapist, yeah, you quit calling and texting, ok, did the relationship rekindle? what's going on now?


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## Irish (Jun 15, 2010)

Hello out there!  

I am new here and found this thread. It was a little dusty and old, but I think it'll work just fine. 

I am newly separated from husband of 4 years (been together 7). 2 kids under 12, 2 ornery cats...

My husband is older than I am, yet has a possible drinking problem, anger issues (verbal stuff), and what I refer to as "Peter Pan syndrome". I always feel like the grown up while he does what he wants when he wants. The tipping point was when he began making unilateral decisions. 

Kids are taking it very well, I'm seeing a therapist and I have great friends. Hard to sleep at night and sad.

I'm also not sure if I *want* to fix our marriage. I'm feeling like we might really be better off divorced. 

Are any of you from this thread still on these forums? How did things work out?

Thanks!


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