# Wife caught Flirting- Marriage in trouble Again



## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi,
I've been married 10yrs with 3 small children. My wife and i sought councelling at X mas to help our marriage. We had numerous issues, no sex life, no communication and grown apart etc. The councelling worked wonders and got us back talking and for the first time i felt like we had a real restart to our relationship.
During the worst time before x mas i was checking her phone as she was texting her best friend and brother about her situation.... i know...but i needed to know what she felt as i was the last person she would tell.
Anyway i saw at x mas on a girls night out that she had bumped into a load of lads and had a great night with them... I confronted her about this and told her a friend of mine had seen her. She said thay were friends from her school days and they just had a laugh.
I let it go and we had our councelling and things got better.
On a recent night out with some of her girlfriends i saw more texts where she said "i can't believe i took that fellows shirt off" there were also texts the weeks after where she would tell her friend that she saw that guy in his car as he passed her but didn't think he saw her. 
There were a few more texts along the same lines. Anyway on our sons communion i got very drunk at home. I was also on medication for an irregular heart beat so the booze and drugs drove me somewhat mad. I don't remember much of the evening but apparently i abused her and called her a ***** and tramp. The next day we confronted each other and i told her i had seen her phone. She told me the quy she took the shirt off was a gay fellow called Paddy. So why did she refer to him in the text as THAT GUY so. Anyway she eventually admitted that she did flirt but nothing else happened. 
We have had several rows since and i told her she can do as she pleases as i couldn't care less. The marriage is in bits and i don't know if it can recover now. I'm so tired and worn down. I have always been faithful to her. I have put up with a loveless and sexless marriage for the sake of the kids.
Neither of us can afford to move out due to the financial climate, so maybe some sort of open marriage is the best. I would end it all, only i wouldn't leave the kids with the stigma. Any advice good or bad would help.
Jag


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think you have to do what you feel works best for you and your situation. 

You need to ask yourself, would you and your kids rather come from a broken home, or continue to live in one?


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

We will have to stay in the home. there is no doubt there. We can't afford to move out. We have large mortgage and other loans. But i suppose we will have to find a common ground to behave in a responsible way infront of our children as they are the only ones that matter now.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

JAG said:


> We will have to stay in the home. there is no doubt there. We can't afford to move out. We have large mortgage and other loans. But i suppose we will have to find a common ground to behave in a responsible way infront of our children as they are the only ones that matter now.


I understand. I think that some people can do that, although I would think it would be hard to do, to live in the same house with someone who you don't get along with, who you have resentment towards, who you know your marriage is over with. I'm not sure I could do that, I think it would make things worse for my own sanity. But like I said some people can.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Neither am i. But presently there is no other option. As for sanity, i think that packed up and left long ago. I will let things play out and make adjustments as necessary.


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

Can you stay with your parents or some relatives and take the kids for a while? Sometimes spending time with other family members is healthy so the kids know that they have other family to lean on... If not, then I really don't know what else you can do. But I'm glad to see husbands out there who are so brave their kids and don't just walk out as soon as things get rough. Stay strong for kids.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Unfortunately my parent live in the country quite a distance away. They are not aware of the marriage problem and it would probably affect my mother badly as she worries about us and is in ill heath herself. Telling them is not an option. 
My wife has told some of her family and as far as i can see, they support her in an advice capacity. They have never tryed to help us but from what i see they tell her "be strong" and how special she is. Of course she hasn't told them about the flirting.
No i have examined our options in the cool light of day and for the moment staying put is the only one available.... The kids are the most important and they must not have any disruption.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Totally understand how one gets tired and worn down, JAG - but for whatever it's worth, given what you've detailed has actually happened - if you actually do love each other and do want it, this does not sound irretreivable through some agreement & hard work by the two of you with proper MC and heart-to-heart dialogue with walls broken down. What have you got to lose?


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

My dignity.....I have told her twice since x mas that i love her and she didn't even reply. She has no interest in sex whatsover and when we do, it's like a tiresome chore to her...
You know i have my bad points and they prob number in the hundreds but she even admits what a great dad i am... I get her everything she wants and looks after the kids every evening while she either goes for a walk, pilates, boxercise etc. She lost two stone recently and looks better than when i met her, she is very slim and toned and i think she has got attention now because of this. She seems to love this attention and thats where the flirting started...
At the end of the day i can't make her love me or care about me.. And i'm not bothered to try anymore... Cut my losses and move on..
I'm sorry but i'm still angry and hurt over all this.....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JAG,

You sound like a nice guy.

That's likely the root of your problems.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read all the links. I bet you will see yourself in them.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Men.

One more time.

It is perfectly OK to refuse to allow your wife out on a GNO at meat markets. No good EVER comes from them. Even with the FEW wives that go out to actually just dance with the girls, there are occasionally "drunken mistakes".

If your wife wants to go out "just dancing" and there is ANYTHING but FULL DISCLOSURE about where they'd been, who they partied with, who they danced with, who bought them drinks, exactly what went on, they are cheating, or want to. I can't believe I used to let my wife go out and come home at 3AM with no discussion at all. I can only imagine what went on when she was out with her wingwoman.

If they want to go out with the girls, there are movies, lunch, dinner, shopping, parks, theaters. Meat markets exist to hook up. PERIOD!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

These types of GNO are single behavior. Not for folks who are married. Not interested in the excuses about a "bit of fun". Your relationship is in trouble and she is out looking for excitement from other men. Unacceptable.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> Men.
> 
> One more time.
> 
> ...


Absolutely. I always face palm when I read here from husbands or wives about going out like this. It is even sadder for me that the other spoiuse is home watching the kids. That is enabling behavior. Time to man-up. Best this behavior never starts. Putting the genie back in the bottle is tough after pandoras box has been opened. Spouses playing just the tip is a game where everyone loses except the predators. I guess this is how a lot of guys end up rasising childern fathered by other men and don't realize it.

It is natural for woman to always be looking for a fitter male. Whether they act on it is another thing. But having women out on GNOs in a ,meat market is encouraging this selection process. Sooner or later .... make that soon and often other males will be knocking at the gates. Add the excitement of the moment, encorugement from like minded freinds and alchohol and what do you have? Oh and disrespect for the husband. A broken marraige and maybe STDs and a pregnancy. Sounds extreme I am sure to many, but what are the odds here?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JAG said:


> My dignity.....I have told her twice since x mas that i love her and she didn't even reply. She has no interest in sex whatsover and when we do, it's like a tiresome chore to her...
> You know i have my bad points and they prob number in the hundreds but she even admits what a great dad i am... I get her everything she wants and looks after the kids every evening while she either goes for a walk, pilates, boxercise etc. She lost two stone recently and looks better than when i met her, she is very slim and toned and i think she has got attention now because of this. She seems to love this attention and thats where the flirting started...
> At the end of the day i can't make her love me or care about me.. And i'm not bothered to try anymore... Cut my losses and move on..
> I'm sorry but i'm still angry and hurt over all this.....


Check the blog: Married Man Sex Life

Get the book. Your wife already has the t-shirt ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JAG said:


> We will have to stay in the home. there is no doubt there. We can't afford to move out. We have large mortgage and other loans. But i suppose we will have to find a common ground to behave in a responsible way infront of our children as they are the only ones that matter now.


Shut the GNOs down now. If she insists let her be the one that leaves. The GNOs much cost money. That said a group of women can get other men to foot the bill. But they get benefits for this.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

From a woman's perspective I can tell you she probably does this because it gives her power. Many women do this thing where they get a high from a guy finding her attractive. They want their partner to know so they tell them. I do it sometimes with my husband. If some guy tries to talk to me and would tell him...watch him get mad. Make sure he knows I still have "value on the market." 

I would say however, that your wife takes it to a whole new extreme. To the point of being abusive. Many people have their way of abusing and intimidating their partner....and this is just the one that works for her. It may seem that she does not value you, but I think it starts with her - I think she doesn't really value herself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

With all of the outside "interests" it is very hard to believe that she is not having sex when she needs it. Too much opportunity. She does not have sex with you and does not respect you.

I just went back and read your previous thread. I have no idea why you have let this go so long. No doubt you feel trapped, but what is the pojnt of counseling if she behaves as if she is single with a rich sugar daddy to support here habits. A $14K ring? Really? And she does not even show others ...

The least of your concerns should be your wife flirting. She is free to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. What is to stop her. She has no boundaries and no motivation to change.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Well now for the past 4 days there is picture but no sound. I spoke to her about the whole flirting and she admitted that she probably does flirt when out but it's only a bit of fun. I see it that she has no interest in me and is out there flirting with other guys for the attention.
Well i made it clear she can do it on her own time. I have cut off giving her any cash. I used to give her whatever i had spare for heself. I don't fill her car with petrol, clean the house or speak to her unless it's something to do with the children..I suppose in essence i have cut off all emotional and financial help. she only works 2 days a week anyway. 
I went out with the lads the other night and am planning to start looking after myself and getting my life back. I gave up everything and became a doormat for her. Well lets see how she can survive now.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JAG said:


> Well now for the past 4 days there is picture but no sound. I spoke to her about the whole flirting and she admitted that she probably does flirt when out but it's only a bit of fun. I see it that she has no interest in me and is out there flirting with other guys for the attention.
> Well i made it clear she can do it on her own time. I have cut off giving her any cash. I used to give her whatever i had spare for heself. I don't fill her car with petrol, clean the house or speak to her unless it's something to do with the children..I suppose in essence i have cut off all emotional and financial help. she only works 2 days a week anyway.
> I went out with the lads the other night and am planning to start looking after myself and getting my life back. I gave up everything and became a doormat for her. Well lets see how she can survive now.


Good


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Latest update..
Checked her facebook and saw messages to Kevin her boxercise instructor say " i miss you and really enjoy talking to you. " I confronted her and she admitts that she has a problem flirting etc. She said that she has never slept with anyone but our marriage was in trouble and she just started flirting.. The marriage is over and tomorrow i go to a solicitor..... I can't believe that she would do this to our 3 beautiful children,,, whatever about me


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your marriage is over. She likes men. I mean, she REALLY likes men and can get anything she wants from them. ANYTHING. And you can be positive she has. POSITIVE. Just think of all of the times there were opportunities. I'm not saying this to just rub salt in your wounds. I want you to think about it. About how much that hurts. How little she respects you when she's w.h.o.r... sorry, flirting with these boys. 

Because you are going to get scared. You are going to panic about your kids futures. She is going to cry. You are going to bend. Don't. Because she'll be crying to you about her kids in the morning and s.l.u.t.t.i.n.g around that very night. Stay strong.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

well it's all over. On the 1st of June we had a big chat and she told me that she wanted to seperate. She is getting individual councelling and so am i. Its more to help ourselves not the marraige as she is in no doubt that it's finished. I am absolutely gutted and not functioning at all. I cried for a full week and am totally broken up over it all. Today is the first day that i can function but still feel angry, confused, hurt and sad......
I kept thinking that maybe there is a chance but friends and the councellor told me to accept its over as that is the only way to start a recovery.
Easier said than done, we will still live together but i sleepin the attic. I can't afford to move out but i know i can't live like this and be friends. We have spoken several times about the hurt and pain and she is happy to be there for me and vice versa but at the end that still doesn't help me......
Loosing my mind, every minute is like an hour....does it get better over time......


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

marriagesucks said:


> From a woman's perspective I can tell you she probably does this because it gives her power. Many women do this thing where they get a high from a guy finding her attractive. They want their partner to know so they tell them. I do it sometimes with my husband. If some guy tries to talk to me and would tell him...watch him get mad. Make sure he knows I still have "value on the market."


Well I guess you’re to be thanked in some way for your honesty. What you do with your H is cold, deliberate, calculated and premeditated. It is one of the very worse things I’ve read on TAM. If you hate and despise your H that much, do him the biggest favour he’ll ever get in his world and leave him and stop taking from him whatever it is that he gives to you. And give him a chance for REAL love in his life.

Bob


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Nine days since we seperated and still the pain and hurt is there. A friend who has an appartment in Turkey booked flight for me and him to go Sunday week for a break. I told my wife and she was delighted for me, told me it was what i needed to help me get over the break up.. I thought she might have been a little upset and would ask if we could maybe talk... But now i know she has come to terms with the seperation and is moving on. She cares for me and wants me to be happy, but i don't think i can or will ever be...
I just want the pain, anger, hurt and sadness to stop. She told me i was a great husband and father but how could i be if she wanted to break up so much...I don't know how much more i can take.. I have 3 small children i adore but maybe they would be better off with my wife and me gone......
At least then the pain would be over and they would get over me..i tried to kill myself when i was younger but didn't have the courage and will. Now this could be my escape clause... I know i'm running and am being totally selfish but don't judge me please. In my heart i know i won't go through with anything but i think of it all the time..
If only i had realised this long ago i could have saved our marriage.. Maybe it was destined for this all the time... I love her and i know i didn't behave in a way to show it. I was distant and closed to emotions. At any row or preceieved threat i would build barriers and become very hurtful and malicious towards her. But i had a hard childhood and developed this method of surviving.. really i should never have married. Some people should be alone, they only cause hurt in relationships. I concentrated on providing for her and my family and didn't provide warmth and caring that she needed. i turned her from a soft caring person into a harder person. I know it's all my fault and i can only blame myself.......i pushed her away and now she is gone.... I can't cope without her. We are living together but it's not the same.... I find it so hard to see her every day and know what i've destoyed and will never get back... I'm pathetic and week and don't deserve anything more than what i've ended up with....


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

I spoke with my wife last night. We are on very good terms but even though i want the marriage to work she is still at ease with the seperation. 
She told me that she feels numb and incapable of feeling any affection. She says that she has problems but lost the attachment years ago to me. She also says that she doesn't want to meet anyone else but wants to concentrate on the kids.
Thats all well and good but i can't live like this. I gave up the last 10 years of my life providing for them all. I gave her every spare cent i had as she only works 2 days a week. I never went out, socialised or had any hobbies. I worked and minded the kids. I'm not looking for a medal but i can't believe after all those years i'm now left with nothing, sleeping in the attic etc. I am just so hurt and angry. I love my kids and they mean the world to me. 
I told her that i could not live indefinately like this and that in the near future i would have to move out, but we would have to sell the house as i can't afford to get a place of my own and help her with the home mortgage. 
What do other people do. If we do this she will have to find an appartment and move the kids in with her. She doesn't want to leave them. The thought of us loosing our home that we spent so much time making into what it is today is heart breaking but i can see no other alternative...
Can anyone help me, any advice is welcom


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

In-house separations don't work. Sorry to say.


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

I presume she is so keen on in house seperation is that she wants me to be there to babysit, pay bills etc etc. If i go she will be screwed for mortgage repayments etc


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

If you really want to be strong and move-on happily with your life, do the following.

1. Stop crying, blaming yourself
Stop begging, keep on telling her that you are hurt and you cant get over it.

2. Start go to gym, meet friends, guys night out, smile when you are home even if it hurts, tell her you feel better 

and ýou have started realize that breakup was the best option since you can see your ffuture life will be better.

3. Play a game and fake it. I guarantee it works. One evening prepare yourself by looking good and tell her that you are going for a date with a hot woman (fake it, even if you are going to meet a friend of you), let her thing and get confused of her decisions and her loosing you. when you come how smile and if she asks you how it went, tell her it was great and fun and she wants you to see her again. Tell her yu are planning to meet her within next 3 days.
Faking is not always good but sometimes it worth it for stupid women who do not care about you like your wife. She needs to feel jealous to want you

4.Sell your house, pays the bils and two of you should rent new appartments. Dont be a fool since you both are going to take care of your kids. Do not be there for her in the same house as a babysitter and pay the bills, let her rent the house and pay her own bills and you yours. Alot of people do this. I will also guarantee that your kids will grow healthier if you both are not living in the same house as a separate couple since they wont see drama in that house. Each can take care of your kids in own appartments. I repeat sell the house, pay bills and buy or rent a new house/appartment.

5. be there in the same house I guarantee will never help you to get over it. You will be urt for years.

6. Learn to be a man, meet womens emotional needs and take control (alpha male) and be a good lover for the next relationship you will have. Find a very attractive total woman friend(not one you want to date with) who will help you to improve yourself to be a man. A total woman friend will give you a honest advise of not being mr nice guy


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JAG, I'm with the others that an in-house separation simply means you getting taken advantage of further. It's time for her to learn what what it will mean to be separated and divorced.

In the future, you may want to read through the "manning up" threads in the Men's Clubhouse. Otherwise you risk the same result in your next relationship.

C


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

JAG said:


> I presume she is so keen on in house seperation is that she wants me to be there to babysit, pay bills etc etc. If i go she will be screwed for mortgage repayments etc


Have you been to the solicitor? I don't know what it is like where you are (obviously not the states by the use of the word solicitor). But in the states the standard advice is not to leave the house. Leaving would not absolve your of your mortgage responsibility. Speak to your solicitor like yesterday.


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

They should sell the house and each rent/´buy a smaller appartment at the same time he should learnto be a a strong man for his future relationship
This woman has no value, she is not a woman to have a relationship with anymore so he should stop feeling sorry for himself. 
He should date other women and find the right woman for him after he has mastered being an alpha male


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

Yes, everything you say is 100% correct. I felt sorry for myself, wondering what i had done to deserve this. I spent almost 2 weeks in agony and at the lowest i have ever been in my life, but will advice and help from friends i'm back and only moving upward and onwards. I feel independent and free in some way from the old me that was afraid to leave the house without her approval. I'm getting my confidence and independence back. I met with a barrister friend and he has put me in contact with one of the best family law solicitors around... I just need this to let me know my options.... But no matter what i'm out of here,,,in house babysitter doesn't work.. Nothing has changed other than she has a bed to herself. When i'm gone she can do as she pleases..... I just hope she sees the grass is not so green


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## JAG (Dec 29, 2010)

We will probably use mediation to sort out all our issues relating to home etc. I spoke to a family law solicitor today just to be sure of what my entitlements are. I bit surprised how tough it will be. It's hard when one party puts so much time, effort and money into creating a family home, a family environment and other assets to benefit the family in the long term, only to see everything stripped from you.
Begining your life over again at 41 yrs old is not fun, especially in a recession on low wage and no real help.....
people say it could be worse at least you have your health, but thats no consolation.


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