# lots of problems... now another guy?



## Dissevered Soul (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi everyone,

Let me preface this by saying that I know my reactions to situations that are not a big deal can be inflated. I've known that for a while and I'm working on it. 

My wife and I have had some serious issues in our marriage that have landed us in a councilors office. We would fight all the time, and neither of us were happy but we stayed because we have a little boy together. Lately, things have been much better. She says she's happy, and I'm much happier and can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. 

Admittedly, I didn't try as hard as before in my marriage. I work and school full time, plus the baby. Its exhausting, and I assumed my wife would understand I just have a lot on my plate. Turns out that wasn't the case... 

She recently got a really masty cold that took her off her feet for a day. She had to have some shifts covered at work, and they were picked up Even guy who is in his late 40 s. (Maybe 49 I think) we are both 24. I was fine with that and grateful the guy worked so my wife could rest. 

Tuesdays I have school, so I'm really not home from 7am til 10 pm or later. My wife told me at about 930 last Tuesday that thus guy who covered her shifts brought her soup and they talked for an hour or so. I found out later that they also went to the park and hung out for probably another hour with our toddler while I was at school. We talked about it a lot, and she wound up telling me that they had a conversation that went something like...

"So does your husband get jealous?"
"Yeah. "
"Well you don't have to worry about anything. I won't make a move. I know you're married"

That, to me, was extremely unsettling. It should probably have made me feel better, but it didn't. I trust that my wife won't make a move, either, because she values what we have. I asked her to not hang out with this guy alone anymore, and to make sure myself or another person is there. She agreed, and texted him letting him know. 

They don't text a lot, but maybe once a week or so they will talk for a bit over text. He sent her one that says "yeah, its slow season. At least you looked cute today" and she responded sarcastically "yeah. Because work clothes are so freaking hot. " to which he said "haha don't I know it?"

I feel like they scratch the surface of inappropriate but never go all the way in. That's the worst text I've seen from this guy, and I know its not too bad. I just don't want to lose my wife and I don't want her to cheat. 

I want her to have friends, I just wish they were married or female. Her hanging around texting this single guy bothers me, Eben though he's almost twice our age. 

I know she talks with him about our relationship problems. She felt like I didn't take good care of her while she was sick, and that I was annoyed with her for me having to bring her food and stuff (which wasn't the case. I was just tired) they talked about this. I have started trying much harder in my marriage, writing her love notes and bringing her surprises and such. That's just been this last week, though. 

Should I be worried? Or am I overreacting. I feel like I might be overreacting because she has every right to have male friends, and I think I might just be looking for issues where there aren't any. What are your thoughts?

Thank you in advance.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Male friends as a married woman? Yes, you should be VERY worried.

First off, "friends at work" = doing it wrong

Second, there is no such a thing as male friend. No guy will be "friends" with a woman unless they have attraction towards them....Don't you know this? Doesn't your wife?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

Third and most important, opposite sex relationships are disrespectful towards your marriage and inappropriate. It's a boundary within my marriage.

You already know what road she is heading down.....


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>"So does your husband get jealous?"
"Yeah. "
"Well you don't have to worry about anything. I won't make a move. I know you're married"<

He is probing. She sort of passed but needs to stay completely away from him.

Player 101
Step 1. Talk to her make her feel interesting/ good about herself.
Step 2. Play the friend angle and ask wedging questions. Yours will be how long you work.
Step 3 Slowly push her boundaries.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

the dude is fishing...hard. Testing boundaries, etc.

women get hit on all the time by predators like this guy...

"I know she talks with him about our relationship problems. "

that's getting in to Emotional Affair territory for sure. Talking about relationship problems with a possible replacement is a no no.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dissevered Soul said:


> Tuesdays I have school, so I'm really not home from 7am til 10 pm or later. My wife told me at about 930 last Tuesday that thus guy who covered her shifts brought her soup and they talked for an hour or so. I found out later that they also went to the park and hung out for probably another hour with our toddler while I was at school. We talked about it a lot, and she wound up telling me that they had a conversation that went something like...
> 
> "So does your husband get jealous?"
> "Yeah. "
> "Well you don't have to worry about anything. I won't make a move. I know you're married"


 This guy is interested in your wife and working to develop a relationship with her. At this early stage he off course will claim that he will not make a move on her. To say otherwise prior to hooking her would be foolish of him, and would break the picking up on another man's wife code. Notice they called you "jealous" as if the issue was you and not their inappropriate behavior. This also put you as the outsider with your wife and put him as the insider.



Dissevered Soul said:


> At least you looked cute today" and she responded sarcastically "yeah. Because work clothes are so freaking hot. " to which he said "haha don't I know it?"


 This is flirting and letting her know that he is attracted to her.



Dissevered Soul said:


> I know she talks with him about our relationship problems. She felt like I didn't take good care of her while she was sick, and that I was annoyed with her for me having to bring her food and stuff (which wasn't the case. I was just tired) they talked about this.


 Talking to another man about issues with her husband is a betrayal of things that should remain between the two of you. If you look up emotional affairs (EA) you will see that this is a text book way to identify one. Your wife is currently in the beginning of an EA. EA's often later lead to physical affairs (PA). In talking about your issues, she is giving the other man home field advantages as he will know your weaknesses while you will not know his.

Google "how to steal a woman from her man" and you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. These sites tell you that no one is perfect so no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. For example, one site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in.” There is a site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”. It says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.”

Intentionally or unintentionally, your wife is letting this other man (OM) get his foot in the door. She is giving herself the chance to get to know him better. As one site advised (and this is common advice) that a woman is not going to leave her man "for someone she doesn't know, or hasn't known for long. Most of the time, you'll be chasing her for a long while.” In other words, by befriending a guy that is romantically interested in her, she is in effect still shopping and still on the market. Demand full no contact now, or live to regret it the next time the two of you have a fight.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Dissevered Soul said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Let me preface this by saying that I know my reactions to situations that are not a big deal can be inflated. I've known that for a while and I'm working on it.
> 
> ...


What is in bold is enough to see that co-worker is working it. That simple. If she does not see it then give her a clue. Further, sitting in the park for two hours with OM is a red flag in my book. 

No, you are not overreacting. You must recognize this is not a good path she has started.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

OP,

I can certainly understand your concerns. Your wife has made a few mistakes that can be easily corrected if she smart. First of all, your gut instinct is right about this guy at work. He is fishing & he is fishing hard when it comes to your wife.

I do agree with the others that when your wife started discussing your relationship with that other man, she crossed a boundary. The only man I discuss my relationship issues with is my husband.

I think it is time for the "no contact" to be inserted into this budding friendship. This "work friend" doesn't seem like a friend of the marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> the dude is fishing...hard. Testing boundaries, etc.
> 
> women get hit on all the time by predators like this guy...
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Relationship problems are spoken about between H/W. Not Joe Sh!t the rag picker at work.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JustTired said:


> OP,
> 
> I can certainly understand your concerns. Your wife has made a few mistakes that can be easily corrected if she smart. First of all, your gut instinct is right about this guy at work. He is fishing & he is fishing hard when it comes to your wife.
> 
> ...


Read what is in bold until your eyes bleed. This blowhard is working it. Time to stop his good times.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

TRy said:


> This guy is interested in your wife and working to develop a relationship with her. At this early stage he off course will claim that he will not make a move on her. To say otherwise prior to hooking her would be foolish of him, and would break the picking up on another man's wife code. Notice they called you "jealous" as if the issue was you and not their inappropriate behavior. This also put you as the outsider with your wife and put him as the insider.
> 
> WEDGING QUESTION!
> 
> ...


This is good news in one way. It appears you got this early enough to destroy it before anything too big happened.

DESTROY IT!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read your other thread. Kill this NOW NOW NOW.

She is low hanging fruit and he senses it!


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

You're not overreacting. And if she knows this makes you uncomfortable, the loving thing would be to follow the rules that you've asked of her (not being alone with him anymore, etc.) - text messages need only be work-related, if that even. Make it clear how you feel and how you want her to respond to this guy. Have you considered talking to him yourself if he keeps pursuing your wife?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't care if he is twice her age, a lot of men want much younger women and I think he wants her.

I think its disrespectful of her to hang out with him. This needs nipped in the bud.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'd like to agree with the others.

This is indeed a slippery slope your wife and her 'friend' are on.

I have male work friends. But I don't have them at my house when hubbies not there and don't have lunch alone with them. That would be crossing the line IMO.

He is certainly fishing and letting her know he fancies her...

And all those sweet kind words and that pair of big wide shoulders for her to cry on/vent about your marriage are little steps towards....more intimacy

Soooo many red flags.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Dissevered Soul said:


> Tuesdays I have school, so I'm really not home from 7am til 10 pm or later. My wife told me at about 930 last Tuesday that thus guy who covered her shifts brought her soup and they talked for an hour or so. I found out later that they also went to the park and hung out for probably another hour with our toddler while I was at school. We talked about it a lot, and she wound up telling me that they had a conversation that went something like...
> 
> "So does your husband get jealous?"
> "Yeah. "
> "Well you don't have to worry about anything. I won't make a move. I know you're married"


This man sounds like the typical " _over the hill_ " male predator, looking for young flesh. 
Making a lot of incremental moves, pretending to be a " friend " to your wife.

He knows that she will show him a measure of respect because of his age and he is prepared to exploit that , using incremental moves ,escalating as time goes by.
Pretty soon , he's going to start invading her physical space, touching and / or texting , sending her unsolicited , inappropriate pics of himself in various stages of undress.



I suggest you do two things.

1]Take control of the situation, introduce yourself to her
" friend", have a " man to man " talk with him. Tell him that you know exactly what he's up to and he needs to stay away from your wife.

2] Work on improving your relationship with your wife, finding ways to spend more time with her. Make her feel special.


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