# How important is Romance to your marriage?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Is romance imperative to the health, and vitality, of your marriage?

If so, what do you consider "romance"? Is it specific actions, a general attitude, a feeling?

Is romance important to you, but not to your spouse? How do you strike compromise?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband's a romantic, while I'm the cold fish type - way too practical for my own good. 

His romantic nature has proven to bring a level of health and vitality to our relationship that has made our marriage "more" than anything I've known before. 

It's hard to say what exactly that "romance" is. He opens my doors for me and I rub his scalp and shoulders when he gets home from work. He buys flowers for Valentine's and birthdays. I take his favorite photos and turn them into custom calendars. So there's something about it in the things we do. 

But then, it *is* also an attitude. We love "our" story - the way we met and didn't get together and I kept dating while really wanting to date him. The way he was talking to his buddies about wanting to date me but avoiding it because he had a teenager, and eventually caved and invited me out. 

I have to work at it, because I'm the kind of person who doesn't really value birthdays and holidays and such. Or at least, I never did. But he's changing my views and I find myself feeling more interested and going out of my way to make efforts that will please him. We don't have to compromise, because luckily for me, his exes were both the kinds of women who felt "entitled" and didn't show any appreciation, so the little amount I think I do still feels huge to him.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I am a romantic. I confess I wasn't always this way, but hit a certain point in my life where my feelings changed and I began to see and feel differently. I suppose my priorities changed.

Hubz is at times, but certainly not as much as me. It has proven to be an awkward topic. I have learned to appreciate his ways of giving as being caring, romantic gestures even if they are different to mine. He in turn has adopted some romantic gestures he knows I am fond of, which I appreciate the effort behind.

Romance to me is letting your spouse know that you love them through gestures. It is the difference between doing something nice for a friend and doing something nice for your spouse that shows they LOVE and think of you. Gestures can be anything, large or small. For me, I like a bunch of flowers, a massage, a random kiss or being swept up in a hug just because he can. A tender moment where he sweeps my hair from my face and looks into my eyes. Holding hands when we are out. Telling me I look great and he can't believe how lucky he is...

That last one has never happened but it would be awesome if it did...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Romance is VERY important to our marriage.
I think its almost as important as sex.
We both do romantic stuff for each other , she does more than me.
I think without the romance , sex would be just " normal " for me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've already gushed & mushed with threads & endless posts how utterly important Romance is to me...I could never be paired with an unromantic, I'd want to









We're both afflicted ...and equally so it seems.....







....this keeps us "walking on the clouds". 

I don't need flowers, I don't need cards, I don't need opened doors, we don't even give each other gifts... for us...it's more in the touch, the things we speak to each other, it's a bubbly feeling I carry all day about my man.... it's in his look, its the acceptance we know... even in conflict...some things are ever present. 

We long to get off alone..we never tire of each other...when I lay my head to sleep, I often say to myself ... "God, I love this man" with a  on my face. 

Every love song resonates... He'll reach for my hand while driving, while walking in the mall, in the back woods  ...we still laugh wildly with each other... our emotions are alive in every high, in every low....we still feel like young lovers...If I am near ...he wants to cuddle.. (I am more the groper - but that keeps it FUN )...

His hand always gravitates to my head, he plays with my hair...we watch movies together....these little things are HIM, they are US... they are







Our Romance.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Every love song resonates... [/IMG]


So nice....I sent you both one this am in the "Dedicate a Song" thread.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TBT said:


> So nice....I sent you both one this am in the "Dedicate a Song" thread.


Oh my, I need to go look that up TBT ~ how nice of you !


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

We put a high value on romance in our marriage. Always touching, holding hands, building each other up with words of appreciation, saying how lucky we are to have found each other.

We both have the same love languages, words of affirmation and touch, so it is not hard for us to keep the romance alive.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Reading these replies, I'm wondering what the difference is between romance and affection is. My H buys me birthday gifts and flowers for Valentines day, etc. but I'd be hard pressed to say I feel a lot of romance or affection in our marriage (?)


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I have no clue. What I see as romance; I wouldn't want missing from our marriage. I think a flower for valentine's day is expected but a flower from some random day is more special. The xmas gift was expected but the fact it was something she eyeballed one day when we were together made it more important. Other words can be used to describe the same things so I don't know if I've pegged romance at all. 

Marriage can probably survive without romance though and even be healthy.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It is important to our marriage. To me, it means considering the other person and expressing your love/care/affection. We have brought more romance back to our relationship and we both appreciate this aspect. We're both on the same page with this.

Consideration in itself is romantic to me. 

Recent things I'd consider as him being romantic towards me ....he drove me to work twice last week even though he didn't need to go in or near the city, which is 30mins out of his way, as he said he just wanted to have that time with me. 

When a friend and her daughter stayed with us, she told me how her daughter (after observing hubs and I) kept whispering to my friend "He ran to her to kiss her!" Hubs had hurried to catch up with me and then spun me around for a kiss. Moments like that. 

Running a bath with candles and warm towel at the ready... those sorts of things. Gently stroking my hair as I fall asleep and whispering how much he loves me. And I guess consideration in the way of being consistently reliable. That speaks volumes to me. 

Romance back to him.... I found a blank notebook that is titled "Desires". I write various messages to him of things I admire/appreciate and randomly leave it for him to find in his top draw. Sometimes with his favorite chocolate to go with.

I pick up his favorite cookies for him whenever I pass that store and with a Top Gear magazine. Finding out when a movie/band he wants to see is playing and line it up - keeping my eye out for things he'd enjoy.

Impropmtu moments shared...kissing, cooking together has become a romantic thing between us, watching the sunset. We last watched the sunset a couple of weeks ago. We sat on a bench, I sat facing sideways so my legs were across him and my head against his shoulder and he held me close. We stayed like that well after the sun had set and could have stayed there longer. It was nice just being together, not talking, just being. That was more the feeling of romance.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Waking up to life said:


> Reading these replies, I'm wondering what the difference is between romance and affection is. My H buys me birthday gifts and flowers for Valentines day, etc. but I'd be hard pressed to say I feel a lot of romance or affection in our marriage (?)





> *Thundarr said*:
> I have no clue. What I see as romance; I wouldn't want missing from our marriage. I think a flower for valentine's day is expected but a flower from some random day is more special. The xmas gift was expected but the fact it was something she eyeballed one day when we were together made it more important. Other words can be used to describe the same things so I don't know if I've pegged romance at all.
> 
> Marriage can probably survive without romance though and even be healthy.


I think couples define *Romance* in their own unique way... 

I have a crazy example.. 

Me & a GF went out to eat not long ago, we were talking about this...I was asking if her husband is a "mushy" man, sentimental , expresses his emotions, that sort of Romantic.....she said not so much.... ..she even admitted she may not LIKE that... I told her I eat that up! 

Then I asked her how he *is* Romantic..(besides the time when dating he stopped along the road on his motorcycle to grab some wild flowers he handed her at the door - always loved that story!)...

Anyway....She had to think about that for a moment... she went on to explain 1 thing she loves about her husband.... she saves coins...I mean in an abundance....like such a load, they could take a vacation on it..... and he knows this... so he emptys out his pockets every night giving her all his coins - well the jingling of that $$ must do something for her... In it's own silly way.. that is romantic to her. 

Craziest example I ever heard... but hey... I know them- been married near as long as us, they laugh hearty, enjoy fabulous vacations & have a happy marriage. So it's all good!


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Romance is extremely important! 
My hubby is the ultimate in romance and it is lovely. One time I came home from work to find him up on our balcony with his guitar and he had written a song for me and was singing it to me. I LOVED it. He has also planned a whole night out in a fancy motel, took the kids to my parents house and then led me in to see it set up with a meal and all. I felt all gushy and mushy inside. I do not think he understands how important his romantic side is to me. He has always been the one to bring home flowers to me, and small gifts. I love when he does these things!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Totally important to both my H and I, and to the health of our marriage. Can't live without those butterfly tummies and swoons!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I was going to say not particularly, but reading all these other posts makes me realise I must be defining romance differently. All the touching, stroking, loving to be around one another, random kisses and little gifts, loving texts etc - that's all just part of loving to me. 

Today was a pretty normal day, my husband has complimented how I looked in a dress I was wearing, told our friends nice things about me, kissed and touched me each time he's walked past me and made me laugh lots of times. Tonight we will cuddle up and watch tv, I'll tickle his feet, we'll go to bed and, um, express our love in a special grown up way. 

Is that romantic? Not really to me. I get romantic messages on cards, he has written poems and songs for me, he goes out of his way to get my favourite ice cream, and all those things, while they are nice, I could get along without them. The things I wrote in my first paragraph are the important ones.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ I used to think of those things as loving too. It used to be the poems, love notes, special dates, living room picnics that were romantic but I think I view romance differently now. I think of those loving moments as being romantic as well.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's important to both of us and isn't something that we turn on or off. These days it involves smaller things like goodnight texts when we're not spending the night together, and keeping in touch throughout the day with the odd text or phone call. There's always an underlying sense of romanticism that sparks into life when we want to draw closer.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lyris said:


> I was going to say not particularly, but reading all these other posts makes me realise I must be defining romance differently. *All the touching, stroking, loving to be around one another, random kisses and little gifts, loving texts etc - that's all just part of loving to me. *


 I feel this is part of ROMANCE... but not every wife gets this even... some men (women too) are Cold/ unaffectionate ... some crave this treatment in their own home ~ it makes them weak even... all they may get is some touching when he wants to "do it"... and at that point, she just feels "used"... because the ROMANCE ~ of this tender affection dance outside of the bedroom.... has been lost somewhere. 



> *Today was a pretty normal day*, my husband has complimented how I looked in a dress I was wearing, told our friends nice things about me, kissed and touched me each time he's walked past me and made me laugh lots of times. Tonight we will cuddle up and watch tv, I'll tickle his feet, we'll go to bed and, um, express our love in a special grown up way.


 If only all marriages were like this....this type of free flowing give & receive specialness between spouses...the Joy or laughter, touch, listening, a kiss... our normal everydays sound so similar ... 

I guess I still see THIS as romantic too ...maybe it is I don't want to ever take HIM for Granted again... I did at one time, and it stole some of my JOY... even though I didn't realize it was even happening. And it hurt him as well... I was not as excitingly receptive to his advances.  



> I get romantic messages on cards, he has written poems and songs for me, he goes out of his way to get my favourite ice cream, and all those things, while they are nice, I could get along without them. The things I wrote in my first paragraph are the important ones.


 I don't get most of this ...he doesn't write poems & songs (I've gotten this from our sons though!).... 

My husband might surprise me with a candy bar now & then







... I too, don't need these things...like you, your 1st paragraph & those seemingly "normal" days... is where it IS at...what makes US feel on top of the world.

Now... if only all the husbands & wives who crave these seemingly normal everyday acts of tenderness / affection/ a little sexy validation....if these were given freely ... because we love .... it'd have the awesome power to Uplift & rejuvenate so many marriages.

After reading these posts, I think me & mine are the only people in the world who don't TEXT !


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Maybe the media & TV view of romance learned growing up, we have discovered becomes sappy real quick. And the components needed for a happy relationship where each are nice and respectful and thoughtful has become our new definition of Romance.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> Maybe the media & TV view of romance learned growing up, we have discovered becomes sappy real quick. And the components needed for a happy relationship where each are nice and respectful and thoughtful has become our new definition of Romance.


DO men feel there is something wrong with SAPPY? It needs controlled...makes them feel like "Less of a man" to show this to their woman?? 

I'm still gonna say it will be different for everyone... we LIKE sappy, drippy...Love that he can express that to me in that vulnerable state ... My husband is a very CALM laid back guy.... in our early yrs...I even accused him of not getting "excited" enough over Stuff.. .like where is the ummppphhhh .. I had enough for both of us... 

But ya know.. I've learned this doesn't = not feeling ..... He is very sentimental...deep within, there is a well of emotion there ..... he can tear up in a moment over how he feels about me/us/ our family.....some of the things he has said...just blew me away.... then I get all mushy.... Very very special moments.

I'd say these are comparable to the feelings captured on screen in some of the best Romances, what women "eat up" / melts our hearts. 

Anxiously awaiting to see Safe Haven ...we wait till it hits the $1 theater... he'll be right there beside me... he enjoys them too. I caught a rare fish of a man ...I guess. 

Out last night with my friend & her BF... talking about movies...He says give him action/ suspense... he doesn't want to see Sappy Love stories... but he admitted when he watched "Ghost" he was balling at the end, so embarrassed... it tore him up. We wasn't sure what to make of that... like he won't go, cause he hates what they DO to him, doesn't want to touch that side of himself.......or he just feels they are "unmanly" so he stays away.

Any thoughts on that MEN ???


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> DO men feel there is something wrong with SAPPY...


Define sappy. I certainly feel like doing special things so often that they lose their specialness can be sappy. I like that when I do something for Msr T that she doesn't eyerole internally. I suppose if I thought she wanted more romance then I'd evaluate it more.

It's a pointless debate because we may argue if sappy is good or bad and at the end of everything we agree on how to treat our spouses yet we define it differently.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> Define sappy. I certainly feel like doing special things so often that they lose their specialness can be sappy. I like that when I do something for Msr T that she doesn't eyerole internally. I suppose if I thought she wanted more romance then I'd evaluate it more.
> 
> It's a pointless debate because we may argue if sappy is good or bad and at the end of everything we agree on how to treat our spouses yet we define it differently.


 Sappy to me = a man can show high emotion, even tears...in his expressing how he feels....getting caught up in a moment..rolling with it, not trying to run & hide....like our friend & how he was overcome, pushing away the tears...at the end of "GHOST".... I don't think he was comfortable with that, he was making fun of himself last night -with us, but we're a pretty "safe" bunch to say anything around. They know us well enough to know we're Big Romantics, he even made some fun of us as we were leaving. 



> * Sappy Definition: *
> *1.* juicy
> *2.* Slang ~ Excessively sentimental; mawkish.
> *3.* Slang ~ Silly or foolish
> ...


I wasn't so much thinking of what he does, or flowers, or special occasions......it was the mushy emotions, this can be had without cards, flowers, gifts...it's just raw vulnerable "expression"....

There is no amount of laying it on too thick with me... I don't roll my eyes or get bored...If he felt that.. and being as sensitive as he IS... he would back away....this is true, he's not stupid... but his thermostat is at 100 % with me...and mine is there too. It's something we both treasure about the other.

I like the "*Silly or foolish*" definition.... cause after WE get this way... we always laugh at ourselves and make FUN, and that's a nice release as well.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm confused, semantics I guess. The definition I found:
a. A love affair.
b. Ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people; love

Yes, that would be important. We have that but we're both not classic card, poem, gift (generally not even bdays, Xmas and never Feb 14), candles, .... types of people. We're more touchy feely and quality time types. Is a long walk together romantic? Cooking dinner together, yes to eat, but more so for the time together?

I can't put my finger on it, but something is working, semantics again, I guess.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Romance is mystery. To me it's an atmosphere. 
It's the sum of many specific actions that lead to an effect that makes me see the world differently, makes me feel alive. 

Without it, it's more difficult to stay motivated or happy. My husband and I see eye to eye on this.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

One thing I've never seen the appeal of is that kind of generic romantic gestures. You know, the rose petals on the bed, women's magazine type thing. That's not me or my husband, so if he did something like that it would be just following someone else's script. 

That's what I mean by sappy, too I think. "Romantic" gestures that aren't specifically directed at me. 

One thing my husband did do was pick a super romantic place for a proposal! It's in the proposal thread.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I am not into the romantic stuff. I just want easy and practical living with someones whose time and company I enjoy.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Is romance imperative to the health, and vitality, of your marriage?
> 
> If so, what do you consider "romance"? Is it specific actions, a general attitude, a feeling?
> 
> Is romance important to you, but not to your spouse? How do you strike compromise?


I used to think romance was imperative to the health and vitality of my marriage, but then I realized that I only thought that because my emotional needs weren't being met. Now that they are, I find so many of the little things we do are already romantic. 

My husband could care less about romance, though he does a few romantic things because he knows I love them. Many of them fall under my five most important emotional needs, so bonus for him! lol.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

In my marriage there was very little romance. I am not a rose petal on the bed sort of woman but some romance would have been a good thing.

SO is a romantic guy, it comes naturally to him and he brings out the romantic in me. There are many things I view as romantic, the standard things like when he gives me flowers or gives me a passionate, love filled kiss.
But there are the gestures that just come naturally to him that I find so romantic. One example is the way he protects me, when we are walking he makes sure I am on the left side so he is closer to the road or like last night when we were out in the city and when he sees a group of guys he will walk between me and them. It is like a natural protection mechanism he has. He holds doors open for me and opens the car door, all these things say to me that I am important and on his mind.


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