# Amicable



## imnemtb (Feb 1, 2017)

Wondering if this is really true? I have left my husband of 19 years one week ago. He was my second marriage and I his first. We have no kids together, but he did help raise my two from the first marriage. The kids are grown and gone and have been for a few years. During this empty nesting, we started growing far apart, not sleeping in the same room due to snoring, common conversations and interest went almost nonexistent. I have felt we have just become room mates and a source of income. We have tried through the years to work through things and say we'll try or change, but at our ages, we knew it would not work that way. I finally decided last week to calmly tell him that we are too different people and have grown very far apart. I told him I would move out temporarily until he could have our renter move out of a property we have as an investment. He will then move into that property and he agreed for me to keep the house. We have nothing to fight over and the only binding items are our debts. We have been very cordial over the last week about everything, which I am grateful, but I jus pray this will stay the course. My first divorce was ugly and never want to go through that again. I still love my husband and always want his health and happiness in life. Is it strange to be so agreeing through this difficult time?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

There are some people who just grow apart, and they can have an amicable divorce. Or so I've heard. I'm guessing they're not going to come to a place like TAM, if they're not really fighting over anything...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

imnemtb said:


> Wondering if this is really true? I have left my husband of 19 years one week ago. He was my second marriage and I his first. We have no kids together, but he did help raise my two from the first marriage. The kids are grown and gone and have been for a few years. During this empty nesting, we started growing far apart, not sleeping in the same room due to snoring, common conversations and interest went almost nonexistent. I have felt we have just become room mates and a source of income. We have tried through the years to work through things and say we'll try or change, but at our ages, we knew it would not work that way. I finally decided last week to calmly tell him that we are too different people and have grown very far apart. I told him I would move out temporarily until he could have our renter move out of a property we have as an investment. He will then move into that property and he agreed for me to keep the house. We have nothing to fight over and the only binding items are our debts. We have been very cordial over the last week about everything, which I am grateful, but I jus pray this will stay the course. My first divorce was ugly and never want to go through that again. I still love my husband and always want his health and happiness in life. Is it strange to be so agreeing through this difficult time?


Actually it is refreshing to hear about a civil even friendly dissolution of a relationship. Two people do can and often do grow apart. Both of you are to be applauded.
I wish that my ex had given me such resolution. Instead she staged a series of events to make the break up appear to be my fault. Rather than have an amiable split, it became very acrimonious as she abused my guilt to get as much as she could. While I know this may sound bitter on my part, it is true. I was told her plans, before she executed them. I was blind to the facts then due to my overwhelming sense of guilt, but in retrospect she followed her plans to the letter. To date I have not been able to come to terms in my mind as to why. I was unhappy towards the end of our marriage for many of the same reasons you cited, I entertained the thought of divorce myself. 
I would have much preferred a real discussion and resolution, than all the open ended and probably never going to be answered questions I was left with.


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## ResignedWife (Jan 20, 2017)

imnemtb said:


> Is it strange to be so agreeing through this difficult time?


My husband and I decided last month to separate and it has been quite amicable in the few weeks since that decision was mutually made. It was a long time coming, and like you, we just grew apart over the past 20 years of marriage. Our children are not adults, so custody will be an issue, but he and I have agreed to a parenting plan that we will present to the mediator at our first meeting in March. 

While we are very early in our process, I see things running smoothly going forward since my husband and I are, first and foremost, friends. We respect each other. We just don't love each other as married people SHOULD. There is no animosity, resentment or bitterness. 

I think if the two adults in question agree to be mature about it, there's no need for animosity. However, when divorce is the result of violence, abuse or adultery, I could see how it might be hard to avoid a "revenge" state of mind.


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## imnemtb (Feb 1, 2017)

No, we are not fighting and I came to TAM firstly to see how many are in the same situation during our soon-to-be golden years. Yes, I feel some guilt about not seeing our retirement becoming what we had dreamed, but my reality was that it was just going to be a dream. I will say that I am ok one day, and then hear or see something that makes me sad. It's those deep hearted feelings for him that will make this hard. 19 years with someone is not easy to just walk away and not feel a huge hole in my heart.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

imnemtb said:


> No, we are not fighting and I came to TAM firstly to see how many are in the same situation during our soon-to-be golden years. Yes, I feel some guilt about not seeing our retirement becoming what we had dreamed, but my reality was that it was just going to be a dream. I will say that I am ok one day, and then hear or see something that makes me sad. It's those deep hearted feelings for him that will make this hard. 19 years with someone is not easy to just walk away and not feel a huge hole in my heart.


If you love somebody, set them free.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

ResignedWife said:


> My husband and I decided last month to separate and it has been quite amicable in the few weeks since that decision was mutually made. It was a long time coming, and like you, we just grew apart over the past 20 years of marriage. Our children are not adults, so custody will be an issue, but he and I have agreed to a parenting plan that we will present to the mediator at our first meeting in March.
> 
> While we are very early in our process, I see things running smoothly going forward since my husband and I are, first and foremost, friends. We respect each other. We just don't love each other as married people SHOULD. There is no animosity, resentment or bitterness.
> 
> I think if the two adults in question agree to be mature about it, there's no need for animosity. However, when divorce is the result of violence, abuse or adultery, I could see how it might be hard to avoid a "revenge" state of mind.


I was married for 24 years before my ex decided to end it. She made a decisions and refused to ever discuss it. I think ultimately it was the lack of respect for me on her part that made it so acrimonious. That same lack of respect continues to this day. We don't talk, because she refuses to talk.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think an amicable divorce is the best option if you can manage it. If you really can both accept that you have drifted apart, and it isn't someone's "fault", then there is no reason you cannot agree on a fair split. 

Just remember that reasonable people might disagree on what is fair, do don't expect the other person to have exactly the same ideas.


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