# Men who have female friends while in a long term relationship or marriage



## cdbsanders (Sep 30, 2012)

I have been in a long time relationship with my mate over twenty-five years. We have split for two years. He has a female friend who I felt was getting too close to my partner, and when we would see each other she didn't want to speak to me. I asked my partner if something was going on he stated no she was just a friend and a co-worker. I asked him to stop calling/texting her cause he never called or texted when I was home. Due to his illness I was checking his vm and she left a message stating he was ignoring her calls and he needed to call her back. So I texted her and asked her to please stop calling and texting him. Her reply was is he your man??? Are u sure..She went on to point out she was a friend and I better show him what I texted her etc...She then pointed out that before I left and when I came back he was with another women. Sounds like this woman wants my man or she has a friend who wants him. But would a true friend do this???


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I'm confused. Are the two of you together, or not?

And some women are trouble making C's. She's one of them.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. NO, a TRUE friend to your partner would NOT do this.

2. Do NOT be too quick to believe her stories, she would LOVE to see you two split up. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't.

3. You are NOT OBLIGATED to show your partner anything JUST BECAUSE SHE SAYS SO; that being said, if YOU demand total transparency from your partner, then YOU should be willing to be totally transparent as well. Show the texts to your partner and then BE QUIET and let him explain.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Speaking from a male perspective it's the same deal as a chicken farm, you cannot have _two_ roosters in the same hen house or it always ends badly! And even if it's all innocent you just can't have a friend of the opposite sex taking time away from your spouse, or being a 3rd party and always hanging around and knowing all of your business - never a good idea.


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## cdbsanders (Sep 30, 2012)

Yes we are together, we split in 2007-2009, we have been okay since 2009, at least I thought so.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, my husband no longer has opposite sex friends. He had 3 when we first got together, 2 had to be turfed as, I'm sure you can guess, they wanted more than just friendship. The third one is now a friend of both of ours. You have to be careful of other men or women interfering in your relationship.


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## cdbsanders (Sep 30, 2012)

Thanks so much and that's how I felt, since I grew up in the same town as this woman, she isn't a personal friend but we have many of the same friends, she knew when she met him we were a couple. If he has been talking to her as a friend okay but why act like you don't know me when you use to speak all the time. Plus if he had an affair when we were split why is that your business and why point it out to me if you unless you wanted to start trouble...I really haven't discussed this with him cause he's ill, but when I do I feel he needs to tell her in front of me that she crossed the line in their friendship.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I had you in mind when i started this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49802-pointers-ladies.html


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

As an example I have a best friend who's been married for 18 years and I've known them both since they first dated 20 years ago, and we are very close and when I was single I hungout with them both quite a bit. Buuuuut - even under that scenario of friendship if I suddenly started wanting to pair off and do stuff with just his wife alone, he would not appreciate that very much and would probably find it a little weird or inappropriate and not allow it I'm sure(and the same would go for my wife and him).


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

I think you have every right to be wary of her, and the nature of their relationship. She, on the other hand, has no right to be lecturing you about what he did while you were split. 

When your husband is better, you definitely need to discuss this whole situation at length.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

OP, yes this woman has eyes for your man. Pure and simple. If she was a TRUE friend of his, then she would be interested in making sure his relationship was strong and her response to you would've been much more "Oh I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea, we're just friends, can we meet so we can get to know each other better" etc. etc.

Can your man have a female friend, yes, will she be SUPER tight with him, never without one or both having romantic designs.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

OP, I firmly believe that men and women should not have friends of the opposite sex unless they are "friends of the marriage." You have a right to be concerned and as soon as you feel he is well enough to discuss this you should tackle this issue asap.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Sounds like she's trying to stir up trouble. Maybe because she wants your husband, or for some other reason.

That said, I don't believe heterosexual men and women can be just friends, especially not one they find attractive. I've seen it over and over where most of my male friends have hit on me or admitted they liked me as more than just a friend. Same thing goes for female friends that my boyfriend has had.


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## cdbsanders (Sep 30, 2012)

Thank you all for your input on this, in my heart I feel something is wrong, her reaction to my request was defensive, dis-respecting and challenging. So I will ask him once again, what's going on and why would she feel she had the right to get into our personal life, no matter what you have shared with her or how she feels about me to hold the peace she should have said nothing. I will let this go, don't want to put any negative energy in my relationship.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Story of my married life.

Same MO. Texts calls meetings behind my back. But they are just FRIENDS.

I told him no more contact or I'm leaving. He said leave. He choose them over me, his child and a 12 yr marriage.

Good riddance really.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

galian84 said:


> Sounds like she's trying to stir up trouble. Maybe because she wants your husband, or for some other reason.
> 
> That said, *I don't believe heterosexual men and women can be just friends, especially not one they find attractive.* I've seen it over and over where most of my male friends have hit on me or admitted they liked me as more than just a friend. Same thing goes for female friends that my boyfriend has had.


Here it is about 25 years later after Billy Crystal said that very same line in "When Harry Met Sally", and to me it still holds true 100%. :iagree:


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## heaven1 (Sep 27, 2012)

This really irks me! These so called friends who feel that they know your partner better and provide so much "help" and "inspiration". I used to think that some of them were innocent but it turns out that it hardly ever is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I went through this with my ex after she introduced me to "James" when her and I first met, and he was a 48 year old guy who lived in the neighborhood and was a hired "handyman" for a lot of people in that community. But my wife also had a friendship going on with this guy that she thought was all innocent but I always thought differently - on his part, and so he was always hanging around our house and she tried to include him in a lot of our activities(movies, dinners, picnics, etc)the whole first year we were together. Sooooo after I decided I did not like this arrangement I put my foot down and said something about it which pissed her off, and eventually I told the guy in the nicest way possible to give us our private time and more space and he finally went away. To me I thought that was appropriate and the right thing to do, and I'm sure if it were a female my ex would've told me to ditch her right away - or else.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

heaven1 said:


> This really irks me! T*hese so called friends who feel that they know your partner better and provide so much "help" and "inspiration".* I used to think that some of them were innocent but it turns out that it hardly ever is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In an earlier era, they were called muses.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Opposite sex friends while married, yep just fine as long as they are a "True Friend of the marriage"(and BOTH partners are comfortable with them)other than that it's just trouble waiting to happen...It's all about boundaries.


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## cdbsanders (Sep 30, 2012)

I know it hurts, but it feels better to know the truth?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Between my husband and I, we do not have friendships with the opposite sex. This was something we agreed upon during our first months of marriage and its worked very well for the last 12 years! Friendships of the opposite sex could very easily turn into an emotional or physical affair!

This woman and your husband are out of line and crossing the boundary! I'd personally throw in an ultimatum here. It's her or you and stick with it. Your husband should be focusing his energy on you, never on other woman.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Now as far as having casual "aquaintances" who are the opposite sex that are maybe a co-worker, or the neighbor you see all the time, or maybe a gay high school buddy on Facebook - I am totally ok with that.


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