# Crossroads: Which Way to Go?



## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

I have been reading posts from this site for almost two months now and I really appreciate everyone’s insight. It has been extremely helpful to see that I am not alone in my feelings and hurt and the tips have been just as helpful.
Here is a little about my current situations. I had been in a committed relationship for over three years now. The last two years have been in a cohabitating relationship with all of our bills split 50-50. We moved in with each other after a year because we were both ready to take the next step in our relationship. Things appeared to be fine with communication and we were very supportive of each other. We had our differences and at the time, I was willing to put up with it because I loved and cared for her (chores, time and how we spent our free time apart)

Things seemed to have gone downhill about a year ago. There was a death of someone that I was extremely influential in my life. After the funeral, I did not cope in the healthiest of ways and my anxiety was very high. I began to misuse my prescription medication (sleeping pills) to shut off my mind. My girlfriend appeared to be concerned and asked me to stop, which I gladly did when she brought it up. When she communicated her needs, I was always very happy to accommodate. However, stress from work and life started to catch up with me. She had a large group of friends who would frequent the bars multiple nights a week. I was willing to go out maybe once in awhile but honestly, I am in my late twenties and have a professional job where I don’t want to be at the bars that often. I was open with these needs as well. I trusted her and was okay with her going to see her friends and had no reason to believe anything was going on.
Things started to become suspicious when she came to me one day and said, “You are who I want to be with in the long run but I am not sure about now.” I was blindsided by this but told her that she needed to figure out what she wanted and I offered her a break or time apart. She denied wanting any of this. She began going to the bars more often (3-4 nights a week and staying out until close). This was new because she works early in the morning. I started noticing that she would sleep on the couch when she came home late (she would say that she didn’t want to wake me by getting into bed). She also started to not invite me out with her friends and when I would text her, I would hear from her much later or get the excuse that her phone died. I played it off and kept making notes of what was going on. One night, we were hanging out, I noticed a name pop up on her phone that I had not heard. I asked her who it was and she said it was one of her female friends. I knew it was a male’s name and called her out on it. She said that it was a male and that they were venting about one of their old friends. I really kept my eyes open at this point. I noticed her spending the night at her female friend’s home more often, and she would come home with bruises on her chest. I kept collecting information but I had no proof until one of her friends slipped up and told me about the OM. Her friend did not know any details besides her spending time with this man. I quickly called her out on it and demanded the truth. She claimed that it was only emotional and she deleted his number and him from Facebook. She assured me that I did not need to get tested and that nothing physical happened. Well, of course something physical happened. It was very much an EA and PA. It would have been easier to handle this had she told me but I found out by reading a test from one of her friends asking why she slept with him but didn't tell her. I became furious and my world collapsed.

I ended things with her but was willing to listen and see if anything could be salvaged. I was crushed that I had her engagement ring and she was out with another man. I treated her with the utmost respect and would have done anything for her. Fast forward four months, I am still not with her but willing to work with her in this. I am continuing to get trickle truth details about her cheating with lasted over two months. I later found out that when she deleted his number and Facebook, she had an app on her phone that stored his messages and calls that nobody could else could see. As of now, there has been no contact (according to her), she does show me her phone but I have caught her deleting messages before. She did file a PPO on the OM after she told him not to contact her and he continued to do so.

She continues to lie about details and I am tired of being the detective. I am in a great deal of pain and I am wondering when it has been too much and I should cut my losses. She appears to be remorseful and the last month, she has made more progress than our entire relationship. She says that she wants forgiveness but I am not willing to forgive unless I see that there are major changes and that we don’t end up on that path again. Since the cheating came out, she has been living with her parents. I am moving soon out of the city soon and cannot move right before that. I am surrounded by images of the home we created and where she tainted it. She had him over on multiple occasions and I cannot help but feel sick picturing where they may or may not have had sex.
We tried couples counseling and she seems to be making some progress now that the therapist has been calling her out. I am at a loss. Like I said, I move away in two months and she says that she wants to move as well but not in with me. I do care about her and want the best for her but I think it is time that I take care of myself. I am working on building myself up but am struggling. It seems when we have our good days, they are ruined moments later from another lie that I catch. I am tired of that and am trying to push away from her. I know that I cannot fix her but any feedback or advice would be most helpful. Like I said, she seems to be working on us but her actions do not show this. I am tired of lies and false promises but I still care about her and wish that things could be better. What can I do? There are days when I am so fed up that I am ready to be done and days that I think that I think we can make it. I am at a crossroads and need some guidance. Thank you in advance!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dump her clean and walk away A loving relationship brings joy and stability. She has given you neither. Why would you want to work so hard for so little return ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest you end it permanently with her. What she did showed a total lack of love or respect for you.

When she had her talk with you she clearly has already spent a lot of time with the guy and had him lined up as your replacement. She may even had sex with him.

But she wanted to take it further. She wanted the complete freedom to date him, to sleep at his place, and have him your bed all the whie keeping you strung along.

If she wanted you she already had you, but she didn't want you, she wanted him.

Now he turned out be a charmer, bud also no what she wanted long term.

So he's gone, and she wants to pull you back in. At least until the next guy comes along and she wants to ride that bull for a while.

Bottom line: she sees you as safe and a stable good provider , but not exciting and certainly not someone for who she has passion, otherwise she wouldn't be seeking it elsewhere.

I'm guessing the bruises on her chest were from him and her doing kinky wilder stuff? Stuff she's never or will ever offer you?

My advice, dump her hard and for good.

She doesn't view you as her priority or her passion to be with. You are the type she thinks would be useful to finance her and ate care of her when she needs it.

Why would you ever possibly give the very precious gift of sharing your life with someone who values it so little.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and sell or return the engagement ring, she doesn't deserve it.


Post the OM up on cheaterville.com

Take the sheets from your bed and trash them along with the bed.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Totally agree that it is time move on and get tested for STD's.

You had an engagement ring for her and she was living with you while she was screwing another man behind your back, lying to your face and bar hopping 3-4 times a week to close down the bars.

Get your head out of the fog. She cannot be trusted and had no problem putting your health at risk for STD's. She is toxic to you.

Move to a new city and a new job. Meet a new woman who can truly love and respect you since she has shown quite clearly that she can do neither. You would have to be masochistic to want anything to do with her. She had no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Betteroff,

Rather than at a crossroads, I believe you're at a dead end. There's no logical reason to trust that she won't do this to you again, particularly as unremorseful as she is.

If you had children or had invested decades of your life with her, I might suggest R as a possibility, but even then, that possibility would be slim. You're young, not married, no children; move on and find someone else that you can love and trust. Don't be her plan B.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Before marriage is when you see people at their BEST.

If she will do this now imagine what she will do to you after she says I do.


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## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I suggest you end it permanently with her. What she did showed a total lack of love or respect for you.
> 
> When she had her talk with you she clearly has already spent a lot of time with the guy and had him lined up as your replacement. She may even had sex with him.
> 
> ...


She did have sex with him multiple times as well as me. I guess she had the best of both worlds. I appreciate all of your help. I need to get out of that fog but I am struggling. Any tips or anything that I can do? 

I got rid of all the sheets, towels, bedspreads, blankets, and anything else that they might have touched together. I also got tested.

JustPuzzled: Thank you for that brutal truth. I tell ya, that realization that I was not enough for her is such a downer. I am tired of being the back-up.

I believe I know what I need to do. I am not sure if it is my heart that wants to trust that things can get better or it's that fog. Any tips for getting out of that or to get better control of my life?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You're looking for people to say is there a way to work it out...yes, maybe but I suggest you shouldn't

You're the one I want to be with in the long run..by the time she told you this, she had meet the OM and felt the attraction she couldn't deny and she went for it..bruises on her chest..must have been rough, so much so that even when confronted she gets an app and takes it underground.

Do yourself a favor and move on.


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## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Before marriage is when you see people at their BEST.
> 
> If she will do this now imagine what she will do to you after she says I do.


This is one of my biggest fears. It was amazing the reaction that she gave when I brought this up. It was as if I was the one with the issue!


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## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> You're looking for people to say is there a way to work it out...yes, maybe but I suggest you shouldn't
> 
> You're the one I want to be with in the long run..by the time she told you this, she had meet the OM and felt the attraction she couldn't deny and she went for it..bruises on her chest..must have been rough, so much so that even when confronted she gets an app and takes it underground.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and move on.


Bob, you are absolutely right. I want to know if I can salvage it. It was very rough and I think you are right. I need to look after myself now. Thank you, I really needed this reality check!


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## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

I also told her that she had a month to get all of the truth out and show that she can make progress so I could make a choice on whether to work with her or move on. She is the one that needs to do the proving. She appeared to take it seriously but I am wondering if I need to hold a stronger backbone than that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

betteroffthanbefore said:


> Any tips for getting out of that or to get better control of my life?


The first thing you need to do is remove her from your life. End it with her and stop all contact. The more you have interaction with her, the worse it will be for you.

It's fortunate for you that you're moving. That will help. Start working on yourself. You should consider counseling or a doctor's visit for depression meds, but at the very least improve your sexual rank. Hit the gym, get in some cardio, and keep busy. Get out, find a new hobby, meet and interact with other people.

Tell yourself that you deserve better than her. Know that there are other women out there that understand what commitment means. You'll find one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> She says: “You are who I want to be with in the long run but I am not sure about now.”
> 
> This should be read as: "You are my plan B. I want to have fun with another man. Maybe more than one. It will be even more fun knowing that I can come back to you and have you support me. You have no choice because I am awesome and irreplaceable."


I am afraid that I agree.

She is too immature for LTR status. And sadly she might always be too immature for aLTR, let alone marriage! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cold clean break is the best. Talking, talking, talking, talking is the worst way to end things since it doesn't end it, it just prolongs it.

Years ago I broke up with a girl who I'd had a on/off relationship with. When I decided it wasn't going any place good long term, i called her once and cleanly told her have a good life, I'm moving on.

Never spoke with her again and it was the cleanest best way to do it.

Next get out and do something with friends, if you can go some place and get away for a week or two and make some new memories all the better.

Also start doing some weight routine. Good for stress, good for you, good for looks.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Dude, go take a walk and leave her behind. You are not even married and she is doing this now. She did you a favor. This is what is to come. You are young and it sounds like you have a good job. Being TT'd, will get you no where near the truth. FWIW, if you are in good shape, half way good looking, plus a job, a car, love your momma and so on. Young lady's will like that, especially loving your mom. 

IMHO, I had to start over at 40. It's not that easy. Yes I'm young but I am older. I have a truly wonderful lady, yes she is younger, but we are having a great time with kids and so on. Do yourself a favor. Take my info with a grain of salt, listen to these vet's and start over, you have been given the chance. What are you prepared to do right now? Good luck.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP I know it is tough to face but in your shoes I would put her in my rear view mirror and not look back. She has shown her true colors. 

Take care of yourself and focus on the future. Stay active. Workout maintain your interest in hobbies etc. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

Rottdad42 said:


> Dude, go take a walk and leave her behind. You are not even married and she is doing this now. She did you a favor. This is what is to come. You are young and it sounds like you have a good job. Being TT'd, will get you no where near the truth. FWIW, if you are in good shape, half way good looking, plus a job, a car, love your momma and so on. Young lady's will like that, especially loving your mom.
> 
> IMHO, I had to start over at 40. It's not that easy. Yes I'm young but I am older. I have a truly wonderful lady, yes she is younger, but we are having a great time with kids and so on. Do yourself a favor. Take my info with a grain of salt, listen to these vet's and start over, you have been given the chance. What are you prepared to do right now? Good luck.


Thank you, and thank you to everyone for the advice. I am done torturing myself and letting this drag on. I appreciate all of the advice and for everyone calling me out. She did do me a favor and it's time to be with someone who actually respects relationships as I do. Thank you again everyone!


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

I'll give the replies my +1.
Chin up and walk.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Good for you. You won't regret it. 

Please come back once in a whole and let us know how you are progressing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Congrats on getting outta that situation. You'll be much happier!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

For the future, read MMSLP, there is a link below. Every man needs to read this. 

Also, you can forget about ever agreeing to GNOS again. You were trying to make a life with a barfly. GNOs never work, alcohol, fun, men, dancing etc.=cheating.


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## betteroffthanbefore (May 23, 2013)

Just a quick update: I gave her one last time to come clean with everything, bring all of the evidence, take responsibility, and to make a plan for what we could do. Believe it or not, the lies continued, she took some responsibility, and blame-shifted towards me. It makes sense based on the irrational thinking.

Since then, we have had minimal contact (mostly about the money she owes me and a couple emails with the same sob story) and I have been doing very well. Her belongings are finally gone and I can make my home mine again. I am taking better care of myself, exercising, eating better, and being more social. It felt good to set a boundary and actually sticking to it. She was completely shocked by this and it appeared that she expected more chances. I took this as a learning opportunity and to teach myself about relationships. I am no longer settling my values or what I want to be with someone else. I am took good for that.

As I was taking care of myself, I took more chances and became more social again. I actually met someone else who is looking for similar things as me. It is refreshing to meet someone and to have the ability to be honest and not feel like I need to be afraid to speak. I am getting that confidence back and it's been amazing. I do have my low moments but I have found that even those are decreasing. I look forward to my move and moving on with my life.

Thank you everyone for your advice and helping me get my head on straight. I knew what I had to do but was so nervous and scared to do it. Nobody should ever have to settle their needs and wants to be with someone. There are healthy people out there and I have learned that I need to surround myself with those people and not be involved with toxic people who continuously take without giving. Thank you all again!


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm happy for you dude. Just keep up the good work and cut off contact completely as soon as you can. I just celebrated a full month without talking to my ex at all. Feels good bro.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

betteroffthanbefore said:


> Since then, we have had minimal contact (mostly about the money she owes me and a couple emails with the same sob story) and I have been doing very well. Her belongings are finally gone and I can make my home mine again.


It's only money, I'd say write it off and end all contact. She won't pay anyway and will keep using promises to pay as way to keep in contact. If you have it documented well enough to sue, turn it over to a lawyer and tell him he can keep the money if he collects. 

Sounds like you are doing well, no point in keeping her in your life over money that you are not likely to ever see.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Acoa said:


> It's only money, I'd say write it off and end all contact. She won't pay anyway and will keep using promises to pay as way to keep in contact. If you have it documented well enough to sue, turn it over to a lawyer and tell him he can keep the money if he collects.
> 
> Sounds like you are doing well, no point in keeping her in your life over money that you are not likely to ever see.


Let the money go. Just write it off. Write her a nice letter outlining how much she owes you and telling her that since you want no further contact with her you're forgiving the debt, she now owes you nothing. 

At the end of the year don't forget to send her and the IRS a 1099 form.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

LostAndContent said:


> I just celebrated a full month without talking to my ex at all. Feels good bro.


:lol:

I haven't talked to mine in 24 years. Know what you mean.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

YAY!!!!!!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Good for you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Atta boy. You manned up, told her to pound sand, and look what you got out of it "SELF RESPECT" with a side order of backbone. I like hearing this stuff. Forget the money, look at it this way you got rid of her for "X" amount of money. I wish I could say that, lost my shirt and a pair of cufflinks


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