# need serious advise not giving up but this is the deal



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Hi , I have been married to the same women for 7 years been with her 10 years right now im presently kicked out and stuck at my moms. I fell into the world of warcraft hell trap which had completely took control of me i was already a bit controling and sometimes loud, but with the game i got worse since my son came to life 4 years ago i have steadily worn on my wife she kicked me out a year and a half ago, she let me in asked only that i cut back on the game and slow down on smoking some green stuff. I did this for a while and it went well then she got pregnant again with our 2nd child a baby girl, i thought i was the luckiest man alive but i also got laid off from work over a year ago and havent been able to find work since partly due to being wrapped up in the game.
well being like it was i got worse , so after she kicked me out this time i got rid of the game and stopped all other bad habits read self help books in marriage , understanding, and anger control , now mind i have never touched my wife in a physical sence only with words when i was wrapped up in that stupid game, but words cut her deep and she kicked me out. since then i have done all this to help myself change into a better person and stay that way including counceling once a week but the one thing i couldnt do was stop pressureing her on the changes and giving me a last chance , it pushed her away from me further it went from having a chance to she was fed up and just wants friends nothing more , she looks at all my letters and emails and attempts to talk and gifts to her as almost stalking i believe.
Now i am backed up into a wall she feels suddenly all 10 years where misery to her when i no for a fact they werent till that game came into my life, but now i am left with just trying to stay away and so forth and spending time with the kids when i can get and i do every minute i can get with them. But i do not want to give up or lose her without having that chance to show her i have changed and i no she dont believe it cause i said the same thing last time but i didnt really take no steps to change.
this time i have gone far and above that and i even no inside this is a life long change , only cause she kicked me out this long already (2months+) it has actually made me think and reflect like i never before have. 
But she has lost trust in me she wants to trust me but cant she hurts just to see me or be near me it seems almost and maybe she does i dont no, she has told my family she still loves me but dont trust me no more .. How do i save my marriage and stop this divorce and keep our kids from a broken home and show her this time it can be different with her mind at the moment being set , and im asking women mainly or men who have similiar storys or experiences in this matter but will look at any advise. Im doing everything i can now even giving her time and space without contact which is hard cause i want to just scream sometimes that its real this time i no it is just give it a chance type of thing, but since this has gone on i have proven over and over that i am different she says she even sees the changes but dont believe they will last..
How do i turn things around and for her to trust me and give that last chance to a husband who does love and care for there family and is willing to do what ever it takes when the wife seems set in this but im not willing to give up either , they mean to much in life just to give up , how can i get her to see that these changes are real for life when she seems to almost hate me right now ??? and dont want to be around me at all almost but yet she still checks on my myspace and such to see what im up to and things like that, and still says she is confused to a mutual friend but doesnt want to give it another chance at this time, yet isnt ruleing out that there could always be a change of mind down the road sometime but wont promise that is possible either.......


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

ladies please give me some solid advise here im really trying to save a marriage that is worth saving , we have 2 beautiful kids and my son desperatly wants me back in the house my daughter is only 6 months old


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

I dunno...I've played that thing for over 2 years day in day out too...and as expected my relationship got bad too. 

Only thing i can suggest is to ask her to start over with you, as if you were a new person. Of course that means you both stick to it and actually pretend you're new to eachother (being nice no matter what and basically trying to seduce eachother). That's the best idea i can think of.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

i wish it was that easy says she wants to be friends tells this mutaul friend conflicting things on getting back but on top of being just friends while still married she wont let me be near her either and like i said i spent this first 2 months writing her constantly something i have found out that pushed her away more now i cant be near her most the time or she just gets upset then to top it off i dont see how to earn trust of friendship when there isnt no bridge at all other then our kids and one is only 6 months old the other just wants me back at home...... but i am trying and im sorry you have been doing what you have been for 2 years i hope i dont have to deal with that but i wont give up on my kids and her i no i will wait in pain if need be and hope for the best everyday and look for advise where ever i can


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## Terra (Nov 14, 2009)

"Trying" may seem hollow right now. The word trying means to "make an attempt." The word attempt means to "make an effort." So you say you are trying. But maybe its going to take more then simply "trying" which to me can actually be feeble superficial activities that do not necessarily mean you have internalized anything and shown you have changed.

Perhaps center your attention on your children and being a better provider to them. Maybe you need additional training so you can become employed or at least be more prepared. These actions for one are more solid evidence then buying gifts or overwhelming your wife with words. Your actions to win your wife's heart seem more about meeting your needs. I know when my husband became overly focused on himself and his needs when our children were small, you'de feel this lack of security and strength necessary to protect the family and our basic needs for love and protection. So you see "trying" to provide basic needs and meeting basic needs are two separate things.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ben,

As you've already discovered, begging and grovelling are not going to work. What she needs to see is a confident man, father, provider. 

When you jump up and down and say 'look at me I worked really hard for 2 months and don't smoke weed and play video games all day anymore!!'....it's hardly an awesome feat for the majority of the population, although it was probably really hard for you stop both of those things....and it's great...but great for you as a person...not so much anything that will impress anyone else.

If you really want to get her attention....get a job if you haven't already...make sure the house is paid for and the kids are taken care of financially...do something responsible that would blow her mind....not sure what that would be for you....like starting a college fund for your kids, etc. Something that shows her you are not looking to get your old life back, but that you truely realize you don't want your old life back, but hope to have her in your new life.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Terra...guess we are on the same page!


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

OK i got the job and its a good paying one but im scared to give her money to empower her to file sooner since she hasnt yet but i have been taking care of the kids needs and more at her house and for her grandmother who watches them all the time , but i see the points made in this thread and i will continue to do them and try harder on the bills , do you think that will actually win back her attention when she seems set in this path she is following right now???


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Hmm the college fund is something i have thought about for the kids but just wow i think i have more to learn here , but thats just a start im trying to prevent the divorce cause i no in my heart that the game and the other were easy to get rid of in my life now the big question is how do i get her to trust me before its to late??? and i guess even then its not really to late for i wont give up on my family they mean the world to me and i dont want my kids growing up with a broken home...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Look, it's not a sure thing that she'll come back, that your marriage will work out or anything (imo). So, simply pull yourself together, focus on your well being, build up your life and character and stop clinging to her. When you let go, become a person and are able to take care of yourself, be mature and responsible on your own, that's exactly when she'll come back. This is strictly my opinion. Both posts above (Swedish and Terra) are great advice. Bottom line is, you really can't control her and if you're acting desperate you'll only push her further away. So try focus on anything else and keep calm.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I agree with the above posters. I worry, however, when you say you're afraid to give her money because you don't want her to be able to afford a divorce. That seems pretty controling to me. To be perfectly honest with you....if I was your wife and considering working things out withyou, and I found out about the money deal....that would be a total deal breaker.

You want her to be with you because she wants to, not because she can't afford a divorce. She's told others that there is a possible future for you two, don't screw that up.

May I also suggest some counceling for the both of you as a couple? Trust is a very hard thing to earn back. Give it time and don't push. Maybe after a time, invite her to dinner (nothing fancy either), something very casual, or coffe even. She needs to see and believe that you've changed, that takes time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Here is the magic of the college fund. 

It shows long term planning. It shows you put the kids first. You MIGHT be able to get your employer to direct deposit say 100/month into a fund like that. Ask someone in the benefits department if they can do that. If not, call charles schwab I think they do the college funds also. If you do it right, it will save you a little on taxes also. 

She CANNOT imagine that the immature guy who she still thinks you are - would do something like that. And work some overtime - serious overtime - and take that money and do a home improvement that benefits the kids. Whatever that is. 

Women are hardwired to love their kids the most in the world. So when you are being a super hard working, responsible provider this is going to make her start looking at you different. 








beninneedofhelp said:


> Hmm the college fund is something i have thought about for the kids but just wow i think i have more to learn here , but thats just a start im trying to prevent the divorce cause i no in my heart that the game and the other were easy to get rid of in my life now the big question is how do i get her to trust me before its to late??? and i guess even then its not really to late for i wont give up on my family they mean the world to me and i dont want my kids growing up with a broken home...


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> I agree with the above posters. I worry, however, when you say you're afraid to give her money because you don't want her to be able to afford a divorce. That seems pretty controling to me. To be perfectly honest with you....if I was your wife and considering working things out withyou, and I found out about the money deal....that would be a total deal breaker.
> 
> You want her to be with you because she wants to, not because she can't afford a divorce. She's told others that there is a possible future for you two, don't screw that up.
> 
> May I also suggest some counceling for the both of you as a couple? Trust is a very hard thing to earn back. Give it time and don't push. Maybe after a time, invite her to dinner (nothing fancy either), something very casual, or coffe even. She needs to see and believe that you've changed, that takes time.


Just reread this post i started and the advise is sound and im doing almost all the things suggested i wasnt giving her money cause she was refusing help and said she wanted to do it on her own, suddenly over the last two days its became a issue she started saying i should have been the hole time she shouldnt have to tell me or ask that i should be just doing it even though i have been offerering it to her over and over and over again sorry i dont want to give her money to file in my mind i guess it gives her more time to think on things while i keep showing who i really am without the game in my life, since she seems to have buried all the other times in our marriage and relationship with them times and made it all bad which anyone that knows us would no isnt close to the trueth before our first child and the game we couldnt be pulled apart and was always happy and having fun we both got in a mindset that this was just life i guess.. Also on a side note i have been buying the kids needs and such the hole time and was giving her money till she said not to and refused it in the first month she got close to a grand just for the bills...

As for the counceling i have tried to get her to do that i am everyweek and its exspensive 100a hour but is worth it to me and the councelor even offered her a free visit one on one and she wont take it , but on the rest she dont seem to want to work things out at this time but at other times shows signs and hints that its not over that she is still thinking about it and is it possible with the sudden want for money and help that she has just refused is it possible she is starting to see that not only have i changed but maybe needs me as well ?? I no the kids want us together i wish you could have seen my sons face when her and i both were there to pick him up from school one day , i almost cried at the happiness in his eyes and then he ran right into my arms and i liked it but felt bad cause the wife didnt seem to like that fact to much, but the look in his eyes told me i just couldnt give up on my children or the marriage either even if she is saying its done and acts the part 95% of the time..


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## Terra (Nov 14, 2009)

Dude. Its likely about boundaries. Start here with using "periods" and creating sentences! Breath. 

Perhaps she is stepping back to figure out where she ends and you begin and visa versa. Your run on sentences (see above post) may similate how you might be coming across to her. In other words, there may have been little of her in the marriage as you do not let up. She may have allowed herself to get lost by not asserting boundaries with you! Perhaps she adapted and complied to a point she could no longer feel what it felt like to be herself.

Unfortunately many women or men in this situation choose to leave the relationship to "find themselves" or "get some boundaries" rather then work it out in the context of the relationship. Hence she says things like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." She's scared. 

Of course, I'm simply making a guess based on bits and pieces from you. If I'm even half right wouldn't it be nice to see her work on taking ownership for her behaviors that got her in this spot in a healthy manner that would be good modeling for your kids? Her ambivalence towards you maybe passive aggression and a means of managing you so she feels less overwhelmed and in control in your presence. I'm guessing she doesn't trust herself around you more then she distrusts you. The fact you are threatened by her independence says a lot. (ie you are worried about giving her money as you fear she'll file) If she could assert herself with you and you actually loved who she is as a free and independent person you likely would be on your way. In the end, its likely about your wife doing some serious boundary work, defining herself, making her own changes within the context of the relationship with you and not away from you, that is, if she wants to remain with you. 

Again, you have to let her go to do her own work on herself just as you need to work on your own issues. For example, maybe you need to figure out how not to get worked up about her attempts to assert boundaries and realize this is backfiring. Understand she is a free and separate person from you even when married. Look at it this way: Just like writing a sentence, there is a beginning and end to each sentence. There is a beginning and an end to a paragraph. Then there is a beginning and end to the post, story, article etc. The independent elements relate to each other and create something more then just one sentence--that's the marriage part. But if we run it all together, those of us trying to read the ideas and thoughts will become confused, frustrated and overwhelmed. Plus we can't breath if we attempt to read it as you are writing it! (I'm just using this analogy to help you) In your wife's case, as an analogy, she may have grown tired of your effusive "sentences." The lack of "periods" or ability to even breath while taking in your information is akin to no room for her in the relationship. You are leaving her no room as you see it as threatening. But the fact there are no periods or breathing room is such a turn off she is keeping her distance.

If she is telling you, "I expect you to provide for our family with out begging you" --take it in as a assertion from her. Acknowledge what she is saying and respond. For example, you could say: "your right, in the past I've let you down. I got caught up in that silly game and behaved like a child. I'm committed to being a good provider. I now understand a lot more about myself and why I did what I did. I've grown. I want us to grow together. You say, I should just know or anticipate your needs. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. In fact from what I've been learning I understand you need to participate in this relationship with me even if you decide you don't want to remain married to me. In otherwords, you need to tell me what you need and want from me. Doing so will help me emmencely. Your thoughts and ideas are important to me and our relationship going forward. I am sorry I've perhaps bullied you in the past and helped to shut you down. Each of us has to start bringing ourselves to the table. I can't read your mind! At the very least for our kids sake we need to become better communicators together. With the love we have for one another we have the potencial to grow and become better parents to our children." 

Something like that. In the end you have a sentence with a begginning and end coming from you and then a period. Then perhaps a sentence coming form your wife and another period. So on and so forth. Eventually you put it all together and again this is the marriage. Work on this with your counselor. FYI: I'm not a counselor.


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## determined (Dec 11, 2010)

I am in a situation much like the posters.

Maybe you can relate?

My spouse labelled a complaint against me, for when I was not in my right mind said something I did not mean.

As it stands right now, I had the crown withdrawl the charge because they could not find anything to go after me for.

There are two young childrern of ours involved with her.
I am under a conditions as a result of the peace bond.

It has been over a year and she always says "Divorce" and i beg her to bring it on.

She has not.

her famous saying is. "I do not care what anyone else thinks" and I take that as I also.

I have also been told that "I was once special, but not anymore" the children are special only. One might get angry or hurt at this. I absolved to suffer anymore.

I know what my role in this was. However, being a stay at home dad and her working, the emotional toll witht he kids is huge and I cannot go back there yet.

I do not know what you should do, it is a wait and see. unlike me where I am agreeing with her. And she is pissed. yes. pissed.

Passive aggressive coming out.

We were married for over 12 years. a loing time to throw it away. Do you think?


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