# Women Flirting with Husband- Should I be worried?



## srb82

Hi Everybody, 

This is my first post, so I appreciate anybody willing to read and advise me here. 

My husband is a surgeon and I feel the nurses are a bit flirty with him. I don't typically meet these women, or if I do it's quite rare at work events. He also doesn't see them outside of work, except for perhaps 1-2 events a year. I usually go to at least 1 of them. I was at one such event last night, and even though my husband introduces me, the nurses are quite flirty with him and just ignore me. He was behaving appropriately and discouraging this type of behavior. I arrived to the event later and noticed him distancing himself from a nurse even before he knew I was there, so it seems like he is appropriate regardless of whether I am there or not. I just feel a bit threatened but also do not want my husband to feel mistrusted since it wasn't him that made me uncomfortable. In the past he hasn't noticed subtle flirting, only the major stuff (i.e. a nurse last night tried to unbutton his shirt and he told her to stop, she ignored him so he physically backed away and stopped her).

There is also one nurse who regularly texts him. It's usually about work stuff and then followed by chatting about life, but also a bit flirty at times. I've met her and she was friendly with me, so again, I don't know if I need to feel uncomfortable or not. 

Any opinions in this area would really help. I really do trust my husband, and from what I can tell he is appropriate. We have a loving and happy marriage. I guess there was one female friend he had in the past who was really inappropriate, and created a lot of tension for us so after that experience I don't really trust my judgement anymore. Just to be clear, nothing happened, I just felt she wasn't being platonic with him, he didn't agree and therefore didn't stop anything. Eventually, she got more and more direct and the friendship ended.


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## TRy

srb82 said:


> He also doesn't see them outside of work, except for perhaps 1-2 events a year. I usually go to at least 1 of them. I was at one such event last night, and even though my husband introduces me, the nurses are quite flirty with him and just ignore me. He was behaving appropriately and discouraging this type of behavior. I arrived to the event later and noticed him distancing himself from a nurse even before he knew I was there, so it seems like he is appropriate regardless of whether I am there or not. I just feel a bit threatened but also do not want my husband to feel mistrusted since it wasn't him that made me uncomfortable. In the past he hasn't noticed subtle flirting, only the major stuff (i.e. a nurse last night tried to unbutton his shirt and he told her to stop, she ignored him so he physically backed away and stopped her).


 When you only go to one such event a year, it is easy for your husband to act appropriately. Even before you arrived to this one event, I would expect him to set the tone with these other woman right from the start by distancing himself from them the whole night. The real question is how does he act with them normally when you are not there? Judging by the effort that he has to put forth in distancing himself from so many of these other women during that one time a year when you will be there, I would guess that the norm may be not to your liking. 



srb82 said:


> In the past he hasn't noticed subtle flirting, only the major stuff (i.e. a nurse last night tried to unbutton his shirt and he told her to stop, she ignored him so he physically backed away and stopped her).


 He just pretends to not notice the subtle flirting but he notices. Unbuttoning his shirt, really? That is not just simple flirting, that is aggressive flirting. Unbuttoning a man’s shirt is not the first thing that a woman would do when flirting with a man. There would have to have been a lot of other prior flirty contact that came before this for her to have done this. The norm between this nurse and your husband when you are not there must be pretty friendly with lots of touching.

Your gut is telling you something, and the aggressiveness of these other women toward flirting with your husband is telling you that you are right. You should be concerned.


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## Thebes

I would have to wonder why these women feel so free to flirt with him and unbutton his shirt. That would be bold for someone if their flirting wasn't returned.


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## over20

Welcome to TAM

I understand your situation. My husband also works in a hospital. I have been dealing with this for about 20 years and I hope I can advise.

My husband and I are both very friendly and sometimes flirty people. My husband is a very funny and attractive man. He has been asked to go home with female coworkers after shifts. Recently his female coworkers each brought a pair of their panties in and put them on his locker to dare him to dance at the annual Christmas party (he hates to dance). One of them jumped up on our table at the party and started to dance in front of us. Of course we got up and left.


Years ago when we were first married this behavior by females really bothered me. I had to learn that it comes with the territory of working at a large hospital being a desirable male. After 21 years of marriage I have learned to let a lot go. I can't control these women. He has never been unfaithful to me, he loves me and he tells me when he has been tempted. Transparency is KEY!!

Also, with the exception of maybe the first 7 years of marriage, I am always sexually available to him. I know he could easily get it elsewhere so I keep him very sexually fed at home  I have never ignored his sexual needs. 

I hope this helps. I know it is tough, hospitals can be a meat market.


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## jld

It sounds like he has good boundaries. He takes responsibility for his own behavior. You certainly do not have to take it for him.

Just keep sharing your thoughts with him, openly and honestly. Tell him this is really a source of anxiety for you.

Continue to meet his sexual desires, as over20 said, and be transparent. What more can you really do?


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## Bobby5000

Don't know if this helps. My wife is a nurse and we hang out with a lot of nurses. By and large, they complain about doctors, as overly demanding, arrogant, and unpleasant. I will note that the doctors seem to be very pleasant at these hospital functions and there is some pleasant conversation. 

I would not tell you not to keep your radar up, I recall one nurse virtually throwing herself at a doctor while her husband was present (she later divorced the husband) but I would not assume that all these nurses are looking for these doctors.


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## over20

Bobby5000 said:


> Don't know if this helps. My wife is a nurse and we hang out with a lot of nurses. By and large, they complain about doctors, as overly demanding, arrogant, and unpleasant. I will note that the doctors seem to be very pleasant at these hospital functions and there is some pleasant conversation.
> 
> I would not tell you not to keep your radar up, I recall one nurse virtually throwing herself at a doctor while her husband was present (she later divorced the husband) but I would not assume that all these nurses are looking for these doctors.


To be fair, it is not all nurses, but female hospital workers in varied departments.


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## ariel_angel77

I think he seems to be faithful to you. As long as he rejects the women, does not allow inappropriate behavior, all is good. Also, if he is texting privately with another woman, you should be able to read all messages.


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## TRy

ariel_angel77 said:


> I think he seems to be faithful to you. As long as he rejects the women, does not allow inappropriate behavior, all is good.


 Rejecting other women when the wife is there is one thing, but what about when the wife is not there? The other women that started to unbutton the OP's husband's shirt is a strong indication that he may be acting differently when the wife is not there, since unbuttoning a man's shirt is not something a woman would do as a first time flirting move. The fact that she would try this move is an indication that the husband did not discourage her when she flirted with him in the past when the wife was not there. The sheer volume and aggressiveness of other women flirting with the husband is not normal. The OP's husband telling these other women not to do it in front of the wife once a year, should not be viewed as proof that everything is fine. To be clear, I am not saying that I know for sure how the husband is acting when the wife is not there, I am just saying that the wife has reason to be concerned.


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## Lyris

I agree with the poster who said that women don't typically flirt like this unless there has been a lot of prior flirty contact. 

I'd be worried too. Adding in the inappropriate friendship and I'd be quite worried actually.


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## bbdad

I have similar things happen. My wife and I just laugh it off. However, if it were as aggressive as some one trying to take my clothes off, the lady would get shot down real quick by either or both of us. For me, it is typically ladies groping my shoulders, arms or pecs. As I said, it is just something we laugh off. I think my wife likes that others still find me physically attractive, but she knows I go home with her every time. She will tell me to go use it to get us a better table at a restaurant, or things like that. It is all fun and games. There is no desire on my part what so ever as to go down that cheating route. As long as he has good boundaries, and you can trust him, then it should be good. But, I would always verify if you ever get a "gut instinct." My wife and I have been through too much for either of us to ever do something that dumb to screw it all up.


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## unbelievable

As a rule, I think it's helpful to always assume there are others who would like to take your spouse. That knowledge motivates us to always treat our partners as someone we highly prize. If nobody else wanted your husband, would you?


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## srb82

Sorry for the long delay... and thank you for the responses. 

I agree that the shirt unbuttoning thing made it seem like there had been more history there. But to clarify, it was not just my husband's shirt... she went after several of the made doctors. Repeatedly. I find it hard to imagine that she had a history with all of them. 

Thanks Over20, your perspective really helps understanding that environment. It does cause strain because there was that one female who was inappropriate and my husband didn't see it until it has escalated too far. So now I feel that one bad experience has really impacted me. Even though it is now resolved and my husband never was unfaithful and we talked endlessly about it... I think I have my guard up now and I don't know when it is warranted or not. In a way, I think I want to be extra careful to avoid that same situation happening again. 

I spoke more with my husband about the strain it causes. He wasn't sure what he could really do about it since we both agreed he handled it well and that the girl was inappropriate. I think being on the same page was comforting, but it's just that weird environment. 

Also, to those who commented on it. It is not all nurses for sure. I've met some really great lovely ones who I think add so much value... but there are some who aren't the most classy


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## changedbeliefs

On a general level, this is one of those things about marriage that kinda gets to me sometimes, and I can't even say I experience it, really. You say he's a good man and you've been happily married for a long time, but yet you clearly have a possessive nature, that may be part and parcel of marriage, I understand, but it's a negative, IMO. I think it's in our nature - nay, it's HOW we found our spouse to begin with, right - to flirt, be attracted to people, want to be attractive to other people, etc... I would think surgeons and nurses spend a LOT of time together, in pressurized situations, to boot. That they are very friendly, and do "flirty" things, doesn't seem completely out of left field. That doesn't mean they can grab his ass or something, or run their hand down his chest, or vice versa, but a touch to the shoulder during a funny conversation, e.g., doesn't have to imply there are inappropriate feelings, or that it's going further when you're not around.


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## Q tip

It's called *BOUNDARIES*. 

If he has them, they will respect them. The opposite is also true.


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## norajane

srb82 said:


> I agree that the shirt unbuttoning thing made it seem like there had been more history there. But to clarify, it was not just my husband's shirt... she went after several of the made doctors. Repeatedly. I find it hard to imagine that she had a history with all of them.


That's sexual harassment and she ought to be reported to HR so they can deal with her inappropriate and illegal behavior.

Your H can't do much more than shut the women down when they flirt with him, which it seems he's already doing.

Are you worried he won't recognize flirting and will let it go too far until he falls for someone else? Give him a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. That will help him learn to recognize when behavior is inappropriate and goes from friendly to too much. That will help him learn to establish boundaries and keep them.

Are you worried he might become interested in one of the women that flirts with him? Not much you can do about that. You can't stop all women from flirting with him, and you can't stop him from developing an interest in someone else whether they flirt with him or ignore him, for that matter.

HE can shut down the flirting, and HE can focus on his love for you and commitment to your marriage. But no one can stop anyone from cheating if they want to cheat, regardless of any flirting involved or not.


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## Thebes

If someone wants to cheat they will I don't care how much they are getting it at home. Its not just the sex with some its someone different.


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## Kim C

Go with your gut!! I've had a feeling about someone my husband works with and have always felt like I could trust him and was devastated to find she is texting him naked pictures that's he's asking for! Trust your gut - a woman knows!! He's been telling me that he barely talks to her and thinks she's trailer park. I still can't believe it!! You know - you just don't want to.


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## homedepot

Good Day SRB82. I don't know how to tell you this but a lot that goes on in Grey's Anatomy is true lol. Hospital's is full with women who are lonely and married, or desperate and single. And I probably don't make half as much as he does. 

But like some one said, there is nothing you can do. Just hope he is not like the rest of humanity in the work force.


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## BaxJanson

It sounds to me that your husband may have different boundaries than you - which is not necessarily a problem. You state that you're on the edge because in the past, he had a friend that you thought was too close. But you also tell us that when she passed HIS boundaries, he stood firm and enforced them. Sure, he didn't enforce your boundaries, but he stood firm by his. The question is - are you ok with the wiggle room between the two sets of boundaries?


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## richardsharpe

Good evening SRB82
This sort of thing is very difficult for readers (or at least me) to judge from a distance. 

Some people engage in harmless flirtation. Some are really trying to start something.

Unbuttoning his shirt is completely unacceptable - but it is up to him if he wants to report it. (imagine if the genders were reversed....). Again though its difficult to tell if she is just a flirty ...um.. trying for a good word here but you know what I mean, or if she is specifically picking on him. (maybe even to upset you?)

I'd say that if he hasn't done anything to make you doubt him, keep trusting him. Even let him know that admire the way he fends off all those other women so you can have him all for yourself. I think this is a case where a clear indication that you trust him will do more good than any suspicions.


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## MrsDraper

Alright, I'll tell you what I think. 

1) A lot of nurses are frustrated with physicians and could never imagine dating one, nevermind hitting on one in the manner you described. We have two very different professions and while we are meant to work together, sometimes that doesn't always happen. And that sucks. People get irritated over that. Please don't think that every single nurse is out to get your husband. I promise, the nurses he works with day to day are not. Honestly, this could happen in any profession.

2) I work with a group of male physicians, and a few females. We work weeks on and off. I will work with one physician on and then the next rotates on. Some seasons, we are in and out with no issues. Some seasons - holy cow, we live at work. There are some weeks we see more of each other than we do our families - our spouses, our children, our dogs. When I first started working with this group, it was mainly females. Now we have shifted to having more males than females (I think that is due to life/work balance issues). And that is OK. I miss having girl time throughout the day, but it is what it is. They are all so friendly - no matter the gender.

3) Because of this workload and the time we have to spend together, we are friends. I am so glad that I haven't had one jerky doctor to work with. We laugh together, know each other, and we talk. But there is no way in HELL we touch each other. We don't unbutton each others clothing! I have been accused in my younger years of being a flirt, just because I am friendly (I was shocked, literally). It was many years ago, and it was a passing instance, but I still watch it - I don't want that to happen again. Thankfully, a co-worker stood up for me. But it really pissed me off and hurt me at the same time. You live and learn. 

4) Because of that experience, I know that people can say anything they want about pretty much anything. I also know that I am in a very vulnerable position having the long work hours I have and the close quarters I keep with my co-workers. So I make it a PRIORITY to know not only my co-workers, but their families - wives and husbands alike. My co-workers see my husband and children delivering food at night when we miss dinner and have to work late. I see their wives and husbands as well. I talk to them and say hello. I hold their babies, and we talk mommy shop. It is fun and rewarding to expand my circle of friends in this way. It has actually been helpful as I have been pretty lonely since moving to this new city. 

5) We have mixers and get togethers within our practice group where the families are included. We get to know each other this way as well. I'm just as likely to text Dr. T's wife who bakes fabulous cakes for baking advice, as she might be to text me about something techie related. 

I think that my willingness to be open and greet / meet the families of my coworkers helps in my situation. In your situation, it would not be appropriate for you to get to know these nurses - it would not be appropriate for him to get to know them either. I too would have been disturbed to be in your situation after the party. 

At this point - I would just have your husband stop the current text message situation. I would then ask him about it - why is it happening, who is she, why did it start? But you can't be suspicious of every nurse he works with, every female partner in his practice..... that will be a hard road for you to go down, emotionally.


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## DoF

Seems like your husband is handling it very well.

But texting with co workers is a bit too much and probably inappropriate. Unless job requires it I would make a boundary on this.

It's also childish IMO


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