# Young kids going through a divorce... How did they take it?



## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

My kids, I will admit, are a bit coddled (something I'm working on as a parent). My soon to be marriage split had me nervous for how my 6 and 4 year old are going to handle it. My STBXW and I are scheduled to see a counselor to understand this a bit better. Some people might disagree with that but I feel strongly for consistency for my young kids. 

I know every child is different and every situation is different, but how did your young kids handle a split? What are some things you find surprising about the whole situation?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Okay, I have no experience with this as an adult but if there is anything you can do... try to go through the emotional healing of forgiving your STBXW and hopefully she'll do the same. The hardest part for me as a child (when my parents split) was the resentment my father held for my mother leaving him. He cathartically shared all of his pain with me and that really led me to not like my mother for a few years. My mother, although less obvious about her resentments, still expresses it in some ways... it's not hard to recognize how someone TRULY feels about another person.

So, in my opinion, you two are already one step ahead! Work through your pain with a counsellor and go through the process of forgiving and letting go so you can be great parents to your children! Nobody is perfect, but trying is the most important part. 

My dad still refuses to even SEE my mom. Although he's not as angry, it's awkward. It's been almost 13 years.... it's weird.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My son's father and I divorced when he was 7 years old. He's 29 now.

At first it really bothered him. I even asked taht we all just live in the same house with each of us living in half the house so taht he (my son) did not have to move and he did not have to move. He also was not fond of splitting his time between two homes. Basically, like all of us, he saw it the divorce from his own perspective and his own concerns.

Over time he adjusted. When he was in middel school, they had a program for the children who parents were divorced. Some phychologist come up with this idea of having a program to help childen of divorce in the school system. The one thing i recall from it was that they gave the chidlen a questionaire to answer. One of the questions was something like "How do you feel about the divorce." The counselor was rather surprised at my son's response so she pulled me aside to show me. His reply was along the line if. "It's great. Now I get two vactions every year. Two birthdays. Two Christmases." He went on withe soem other things. The counselor and I had a good chuckle at that.

As I said, children look at things from their own perspective.... how does it affect them and what's in it for them.

A few years after my divorce from my son's father, i remarried a man whose wife had walked out on both him and thier children. He ended up with 100% custody and he move half way across the country to marry me. His children reacted very different to the divorce of their parents. While their mother had abandoned them for the most part, she did have soem contact and used that contact to cause havoc. She played games with them heads. When children are abandoned, some times they become oddly loyal to the parent who abandoned them. By step children were like that. It was like they had to hate their father and me to gain the love of their mother. And their mother played with this by calling them every few months and saying awful things on the phone to them. they did visit her for 2 weeks every summer. When they returned, it was pure hell. For example one summer they returned and acted horrible... screaming at us, refusing to cooperate, stealing things, etc. Finally they told us that their mother and her friends told them that if they acted very badly we would throw them out and then they could go live with thier mother. Well the fact was that we offered that their mother take them. She refused. Once they heard their mother's refusal to take them we had another type of problem on thier hands.... they are heart sick to find out that their mother was just playing with them. So then we had heart sick children to deal with for months and they are awful. I felt horrible for them. All they wanted was for the mother to love them enough to have them with her. They were secure enough in the love of thier father and me that they did not care about our love. They felt that they had done something wrong and that's why thier mother abandoned them. They are in the late twenties now and are still struggling with it.

I think that situations speaks for itself.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I honestly think that my wife isn't capable of that kind of action. Never thought she'd have an affair either though. I know she cares as deeply as I do for the wellbeing of our kids. Hopefully it never comes to that for us. It sounds terrible.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

I was divorced last year children were 5(F) and 8(m) at the time, I was told by a counselor my 5 year old would not understand, forget we ever lived together and adapt fast and the 8 would understand and struggle with it.

When we broke the news the 8 year old sat silent, didn't react or seem to care and shrugged shoulders and went to play video games and did not bring it up again until they official moved out.

My 5 year old cried hysterically, tried to force us together, asked why and asked if we could all live together still, have Christmas together and still have dinner together every day as a family, after the first night she did not mention it again.

We split custody 50/50 so when they moved out things started to change, my S8 became very withdrawn, went from well behaved to acting out, school suffered and still does, his entire attitude and demeanor has changed and he holds a lot of resentment towards me, my XW had the affair and moved out but I wanted to keep house so they could keep there bedrooms and there neighbor hood friends. Since my XW talks a lot of **** about me to the kids they hold me responsible. 

My D5 adapted fast, she misses the other parent when not with them but other than that no real complaints. 

Divorce is tough for kids and for sure in my experience there quality of life has decreased since the parent dynamic is gone, with my work schedule there is little time each day to do much more than homework, dinner, bath/shower and tuck them into bed, extra curriculum actives are harder to plan since we and my XW are on complete no contact so to plan an activity which could have some days fall on the other parent is hard. Christmas/birthdays also a huge change and neither child gets any one to one anymore. 

My children were much happier when we were married.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

I'm afraid of a situation like that. It's this thought that's probably kept me on my marriage longer than I should have stayed. I know I'll have the capacity to be an adult and not talk badly about my kids mother. It's not happening now as we're right on the middle of blowing up. 

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles too. Hopefully my kids will be able to take about how it makes them feel? I'll do anything for my kids, including putting myself under their needs. This is not their fault.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

My Mom and biological father split when I was 5, divorced when I was 6 (our state requires a 1 year physical separation before divorce proceedings can begin). I also had a younger brother who was 11 months younger than me. I don't remember much of the time before the divorce became final, but a lot afterwards. 

My mother never spoke ill of my biological father. She would just say they had made their own decisions and that he was my biological father (though at the time she used the word dad, he lost his parental rights when I was 13). My biological father on the other hand, for the first few years, kept trying I guess to "win" my mom back. And when that didn't work, thought he could "win" us kids. 

The biggest thing I guess I want to tell you is to don't alienate the other party in regards to the kids. Badmouthing them now will just drive the kids towards her and away from you on a later date. Don't try to win 'Cool Parent of the Year' either. Stay the steady course, do what's best for the kids, not what is best for you or her. Right now, the kids dont have a voice or say in the matter. So they are gonna feel like they have no control over the situation. Listen to the counselor, take their advice.


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