# How to make the decision?



## orangekitty (Dec 15, 2009)

This is my first post so please bear with me. I am 33 married 14years and have a 13 year old son. I have been with my husband since I was 13 years old and he was 15. He has had 3affairs over the last 5 years. I have always stayed in the marriage I have never left him until 2 weeks ago. He told me I felt like a sister to him because we have been together for so long and I am always checking up on him going through his phone stuff like that(I admit I do that all the time) He said he wants more freedom from being married but he loves me and still wants to be married. He is now involved with anther person not physically yet but talking and texting everyday all day long. I have been finding text messages so I confronted him about it. I left on a Sunday at 1 pm with every intention of not going back but ended up at home by 11:30pm. I went home because he said he wanted me to come home and we were both emotional wrecks. It did not fix anything by me going home he is still involved with this woman that was both of our friend until now of course. My problem is why is it so hard for me to just leave? My answer to myself is we have a good marriage we are best friends we do things together and enjoy each others company. I have been reading the other posts about people not speaking to each other and one spouse is not in love anymore that is not the case with me we both love each other he doesn't want me to leave he just wants me to let him keep talking to this friend that has become something more. He agrees that it is inappropriate but does not want to stop. I dont know what to do. We keep talking like we are going to separate after the holidays but we still sleep in the same bed. Please help...


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. You deserve to have a man that shows attention to only you. It will take a lot of will power cause he is all you have ever known. But it can be done. You need to do whatever it takes to boost your self esteem and start loving and respecting yourself, or else no one worthwhile is going to. Cause you will never trust him again. He will always cheat, cause he knows you wont totally split and he's taking advantage of your weakness. Of course you probably do love each other. He loves that he can have control over what you do and do whatever he feels like. Its a lot cheaper to live with you and screw around, then it is to divorce and give him his "freedom". If he were deeply up your rear and crying and begging, Id say get counselling, and try.. but seriously...he told you the truth when he said hes not going to stop. You WONT CHANGE HIS MIND!!! youll just lose yours :0(


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## noleagent (Dec 13, 2009)

I feel terribly with what your going through. I couldn't imagine what it would be like. Infidelity ended my first marriage and you have to be a saint to put up with all of his affairs. I do think that you have to draw a line in the sand and stand firm. Not telling you divorce is a solution but if he respects you and has ever loved you he should be willing to go with you and work on things. 


Based on my thread we are in two totally different places but I am pulling for you that you get what you want out of this relationship. I do not think anyone could blame you for not continuing the marriage and nobody should judge you for wanting to make things work. But I do feel that divorce is not a solution in most cases.


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## orangekitty (Dec 15, 2009)

Well I decided to move into our sparebedroom until after the Holiday's and Im going to start looking for an apartment. I pretty much had the decision made for me when my husband said if it wasn't this girl right now it would be someone else in the near future because this is what he needs right know. Oh BUT he still loves me and wants to come home to me and Im supposed to be in his bed. He just wants to try out the party "single" scene he thinks that part of his issue with affairs is that he never got to experience dating and nightlife. This current girl is having a huge birthday party on Jan 2 so he said that would be a good test for him to see if that is really what he wants. All of our friends will be there and Im sure I will hear all about it GREAT! I never had the dating scene either but I guess the difference is I dont want that. I graduated HS in 1994 married in 1995 and had my son in 1996 so that was never an option for me or my husband. I guess I have to suffer the consequences of getting married so young and starting a family right away. Doesn't seem fair... but nothing about this is.


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## clockticking (Dec 17, 2009)

the ironic thing is i'm being accused of doing all these things and my wife wants to leave the marriage and i've NEVER done ANY of them. i'm at home every night, she's with me whenever i go out and i want only her.

i guess i posted to show you that there are good men out there who want only one woman. and the irony of our situations should give you some insight, i have a woman who will leave with no proof. you have proof and you won't leave.

i think those might be opposite ends of the same spectrum - insecurity. i agree with other posters - find a support system (no it's not something you can buy at wal mart). find someone who cares about you - someone you can talk to when ever you need and who will be there for you - and i'm mostly talking about a woman, who can understand but give you a better perspective...lean on that person...and give this guy what he deserves...NOTHING!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sorry to hear this honey. I can imagine that the cut is pretty deep and probably still really fresh. I do agree though, he wants to go out, party and sleep with whoever, but have you at home for his other needs. Can't have both. I saw where you said you were going to be apartment hunting soon. Best of luck with that honey.


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## orangekitty (Dec 15, 2009)

My H said that he would stop talking to the other woman (OW) as much as he has been which has been morning noon and night all day long everyday and texting too--I have proof. He told her not to call him or text him if I might be with him and he made it sound like he did a really good thing for me by asking her that so know Im suppossed to just let him do what he wants to do not ask him about anything and not check up on him I guess just let him live a double life. Does that make me the caretaker and a paycheck for the bills versus the OW who is new and fun? 
Today I feel like its the final countdown we said we wouldn't do anything until after Christmas I've been thinking about that all day. What is he going to say to me on December 26th? What am I going to say to him. My head and my heart are at war with each other.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

You are on the right path. And he has even told you, if its not her, it WILL be another. Its going to happen over and over. Your head and heart are going to be at war for as long as youre with him. But the war will steadily decrease once youre apart from him. It will take some time to adjust to a new way of life. But it will be your life and you will be worrying about what YOU are doing...not him. Which I know from experience, youre CONSTANTLY worrying about what he's doing. People that build you up and make you feel more confident are the ones you should be with....as long as you isolate and just spend time investigating him and his moves, a real life is passing you by.


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