# need help quickly



## magic52 (Feb 5, 2010)

I am new here but didn't know where to turn and I don't want to talk with my friends or family about this. I have been living with my BF for almost 2 years. When we first met, I quickly fell in love with him because he was so kind nd attentive. But shortly into our relationship, I found out about many lies I had been told and about affairs he had in the past. But at that point I was already deeply in love with him.

But through all this time, I have to make all the moves and for sometime he shows very little interest in me, unless I am giving him head. He also talked me into swinging but over time I have begun to feel it is just so he can have sex with other people, because he shows me little attention during swinging or at home. I love to give him head but I want something in return sometimes. I crave just being touched and treated special. 

I finally told him I will no longer participate in any swinging with him and that we need to work on our relationship and connection first. He has always gotten on the computer either looking at porn or swingers sites, and is continuing to look everyday, even when I say I am not doing it. He always wants a long dark haired woman with a big butt, and I am neither of these things. He has always had a temper but now things are worse. He also has told me he has no feelings for me. 

I have done everything for him, and I am tired of trying to show love and affection to a man that doesn't show it in return. He is currently out of a job and really does not have the money to move out. I am sure he would since we are not swinging. I am not the type of person to put someone out. I don't know what to do because I do love him but I am sure it is a waste of time.

I need any advise, I no longer have any self esteem because of all this plus him calling me ugly names and says I am controlling if I have any opinion that is not the same as him. 

Please help me!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

magic52 said:


> He also has told me he has no feelings for me.


You should make a list. A list of the qualities an acquaintance, a friend, a good friend, and an intimate friend should have. Now make another list of the personal things you would share with an acquaintance, a friend, a good friend, and an intimate friend. 

The last list you make is a list of your BF characteristics. where do his qualities put him on your list? is he a friend, good friend, an intimate friend? or maybe none of the above. what personal, intimate things are you sharing with him? looking back at your list, does he fit in your description of someone you would share those things with?



magic52 said:


> I don't know what to do because I do love him but I am sure it is a waste of time.


Its not a waste of time. You are learning and growing spiritually. 

But if you cant kick him out, then you have to ask yourself if he's taking advantage of you, or if you are willingly inflicting this on yourself. From what you have written, he's made it pretty clear that he's not that into you.


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## magic52 (Feb 5, 2010)

When I read back over this, I think how stupid I sound. I am 45 yrs old. I have only had 2 men in my life, both relationship wise and sex wise prior to this one. I was married to one for over 20 yrs. Regardless of how the other two worked out, they both never treated me anything like this one has and for the most part I always felt loved and respected by them. 

I guess I should realize he is not that into me, but then that makes me wonder what is wrong with me. He is 41, so I understand he is a little younger and maybe he can get younger better women. This forum is helping me so much, in just reading advise and issues others have. I know the answers to tell others, why can't I see the what is going on here!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because you are too desparate to find a companion that you shove your own worth under the bus.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

You need to leave him and go out and find a good man, one that will love you and take care of you and not have you do things you are uncomfortable with for his own personal gratification.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Mike188 said:


> You need to leave him and go out and find a good man, one that will love you and take care of you and not have you do things you are uncomfortable with for his own personal gratification.


Amen to that. You are submitting to terrible abuse if the situation is as you describe. 

Why? Would you treat someone you respect and love the way you are being treated in this relationship? I doubt it. So why are you treating yourself that way?

Pack your stuff and go... today. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, and the most rewarding once you are through the eye of the needle.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

magic52 said:


> I know the answers to tell others, why can't I see the what is going on here!


i know what ya mean. i cant believe the mess i got myself into in my relationship. i could see anyone else's issues and know what to do. but my life was a disaster.


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

Magic52,
Send him packing and have no regret.
I agree with turnera, you want to have a companion so you are trying to talk yourself in to being with this man.
I think deep down you know you do not want to talk to family or friends about your situation because you know what they will say - and you don't want to hear it. I don't mean that rudely, we all do that.


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## magic52 (Feb 5, 2010)

I did not date anyone for almost 4 yrs after my husband and I broke up. I was not looking for anyone when I met this man, I felt when we met that God truely wanted us together. So I have tried very hard and also thought he might would change for the better. I know this sounds crazy but that is why it is so hard to give up.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are not in love with him--you even said yourself you fell quickly and then learned about him, and you don't even seem to like the person he is. You are in love with who you think he is and who you want him to be. No one could truly love someone who treats them so badly. You may also be in love with the idea of trying to "fix" him and make him the man you think he can be. That's a losing proposition. 

Do you have self-esteem issues? That you say he could find women "better" than you suggests that you do. I'm 50, slightly overweight, recently divorced, and I truly believe no man could do "better" than me--I'm a damn good woman and I'm proud of myself. Yes, I have room for improvement, just as we all do. A man might find someone as good as me, but not better. There's a big difference. 

Think about what you want and deserve out of life. Is this relationship as it really is, anywhere in that picture? Hard to imagine a woman thinking, "Hm, I really want someone who will show me no love or affection and who says he doesn't care much for me." That is what you have. You can move on, so find your favorite pair of shoes and get moving! Best of luck!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> You are not in love with him--you even said yourself you fell quickly and then learned about him, and you don't even seem to like the person he is. You are in love with who you think he is and who you want him to be. No one could truly love someone who treats them so badly. You may also be in love with the idea of trying to "fix" him and make him the man you think he can be. That's a losing proposition.


Great description Sisters. I think this could describe many many relationships.

Don't be afraid to be on your own. You for sure, have great qualities and have a lot to offer as a person. You clearly demonstrated that. (not going into detail).

Trust yourself and your instincts. Dont let your fear (unfounded fear) keep you from doing what you need or know in your heart you need to do.

Sort it out. See a counselor. Rely on friends, thats what they're there for.

Note: the "See a counselor" part is about you, not about relationship. There is no reason i see to be obligated to a man who has everything (you) but gives little or nothing back, and hopefully, if you find the right trigger, you'll see that and have the courage and independance to do the right thing.

Most important you do the right things going forward. You dont want to repeat this right. Learn how to assess better what your getting into, seeing the signs, not falling in love with the "idea of him" but the "real him"

good luck!!


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## magic52 (Feb 5, 2010)

thanks guys, nothing has changed except for the fact I think more clearly everyday


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