# I feel beat down, unhappy and stuck. Please help.



## ArmyInfantry (Jun 28, 2012)

I am a 33 year old male who has been married for 14 years. I have been in the military for almost 15. I have 3 kids with my wife and I am at a perceived dead end for many reasons. I think the two main reasons are her iron fisted method of controlling the bank account and her judgemental views on, not only, myself but life in general. 

In our younger days I was awful with money and readily gave my wife control of all the finances. Many years and a bankruptcy later we are on track and now have a credit score in the mid 700s. We are not in debt to anyone except for my wife's college loans and the normal living expenses. I have worked hard in the military and have made enough rank to be able to provide for what we need plus trips to amusement parks etc. She has not worked a day in the last 14 years. We paid for her associates degree so she should be able to get a decent job if she wanted to. I understood why when the kids were young but now that my oldest son is a certified babysitter I don't see why she can't get a job so that I, too, can purchase a new vehicle. When I talk to her and ask her to get a job she tells me that she will not get a job just so that I can get a new car (looking at getting a $24,000 vehicle, do nothing outrageous). My response to her is that she expects me to work so she can eat and have her car so what the hell is the difference? My problems go way beyond this (her getting pissed if i am running late and have to buy lunch or if I'm thirsty and buy a Gatorade). I wont go into everything as there are many years of examples. 

My problem comes from the way that my wife talks down to me and refuses to allow me any say in how the money is spent. I have bought her two new vehicles and she is currently driving around in a brand new Focus with leather seats, satellite radio and all the fancy lickies and chewies that you can get on a vehicle. She consistently talks about how she ate lunch with her girlfriends and occasionally even pays for theirs. 

The other main issue is she is judgemental about everything I do. She will criticize everything I do from how I make a peanut butter sandwich to the major decisions that I have to make at work. She takes everything that I say and do and turns it into an attack on her. One major example of that is I was home on mid-deployment leave and I offered for her to get a break from the kids for a few days. After reading emails about how the kids were stressing her out and she could t take it anymore I offered to watch the kids while she went and did whatever for a day or two. I told her she could get a fancy hotel and just be pampered while I held down the fort. This during my break from getting shot at fairly consistently. I thought it would be awesome to hang out with the crumb snatchers anyway. She takes that, tells me that I am just trying to get rid of her but it's alright because she never lived me anyway. She yelled all of this while we were standing in the driveway. 

I feel like a beaten dog. It seems as if I am being used and have been for the last 10 years. Being in the military if we get divorced I will rarely ever see my kids and I can't even think about that without getting emotional. 

The kicker to all this is she refuses to go to counseling. I've gone solo but there is only so much that can be done without her there.
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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Can you open up your own bank account, have your paycheck deposited into it, maintain full control of it and give her an allowance for household expenses? In that way, you could "save" for your own new vehicle and she would be force to live on a budget. If she argues the point (about YOU taking control), then you could suggest she get a job and keep her own funds separate.

How would that work out for you?


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

ArmyInfantry said:


> One major example of that is I was home on mid-deployment leave and I offered for her to get a break from the kids for a few days. After reading emails about how the kids were stressing her out and she could t take it anymore I offered to watch the kids while she went and did whatever for a day or two. I told her she could get a fancy hotel and just be pampered while I held down the fort. This during my break from getting shot at fairly consistently. I thought it would be awesome to hang out with the crumb snatchers anyway. She takes that, tells me that I am just trying to get rid of her but it's alright because she never lived me anyway. She yelled all of this while we were standing in the driveway.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's how I read this, so feel free to correct me as this is entirely my own perception of how this might have played out, and what your wife might have been feeling/thinking. Since I don't know her, it's entirely speculative....

You were home on leave for a week, maybe two, right? You'd been in a place where you were admittedly unsafe (being shot at, etc.). While you were gone your wife was sending you emails, mentioning how the kids were stressing her out; venting, as we all do. You tell her to go away for a few days, and she flips. How'm I doing so far?

Now for my take on what might have been going on in your wife's head at this time, as I can see myself acting the same way...

She wanted to spend your leave WITH you, imagine that! She had vented about the kids, because she needed an outlet while you were gone. When you told her to go to a hotel, she felt like you were rejecting her, that you didn't want to spend your leave with her. She was hurt. While your intentions were good, that's not how she interpreted it. She felt like you were pushing her away. You weren't going to be home very long, and here you were telling her to go away. Granted she may have over-reacted (it's hard to tell, as we only have your side of the story).

As for the finances... that's a tough one. I really don't have any suggestions on that. I fear that if you simply open a new account and have your direct deposit transferred there, you're setting yourself up for a HUGE fight. Alternatively, you could open a savings account, and have part of the money from your check deposited there. Explaining to your wife what you're doing, and why...


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## ArmyInfantry (Jun 28, 2012)

StatusQuo said:


> Here's how I read this, so feel free to correct me as this is entirely my own perception of how this might have played out, and what your wife might have been feeling/thinking. Since I don't know her, it's entirely speculative....
> 
> You were home on leave for a week, maybe two, right? You'd been in a place where you were admittedly unsafe (being shot at, etc.). While you were gone your wife was sending you emails, mentioning how the kids were stressing her out; venting, as we all do. You tell her to go away for a few days, and she flips. How'm I doing so far?
> 
> ...



I can and have considered what you said to be true. I, however, do not take to being yelled at and told that I was never loved when a simple explanation would have worked. Just saying exactly what was bothering her would have been sufficient. Maybe I am the 'you know what' in this situation.

The funny part is when I got home for good she told me he wanted to take me up on the offer and was gone the first week I was back. It obviously wasn't that bad of an idea. 


As for the finances I think you are both right. I should take control of them. It will be a huge fight and I would expect some sort of retaliation (she's broken my computer before because I spent the money to visit my brother without her blessings) but it seems to be one of he only ways to make any head way.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I think you need to "man up". She treats you the way she does because she can, and you've taught her this is acceptable. Start by reading the Married Mans Sex Life, and No More Mr. Nice Guy.

And I'm not saying this as an insult to you, or questioning your manhood. But just read with an open mind.

C
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## ArmyInfantry (Jun 28, 2012)

PBear said:


> Personally, I think you need to "man up". She treats you the way she does because she can, and you've taught her this is acceptable. Start by reading the Married Mans Sex Life, and No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> And I'm not saying this as an insult to you, or questioning your manhood. But just read with an open mind.
> 
> ...


No offense taken. I have considered that also. I will pick the book up today. Thank you.
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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

ArmyInfantry said:


> No offense taken. I have considered that also. I will pick the book up today. Thank you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you. You sound like a nice guy. Too nice maybe. She gets to rule the roost (and the money) while you serve in military (and thank you for your service!) You have allowed her a certain amount of authority over YOUR paycheck, which is understandable to a certain extent being as she was running the household and raising the children. BUT, when she smashed your computer because you spent your own money to visit your brother, she is acting like a spoiled brat having a temper tantrum. This is no example for your children to see. It's high time you made your presence known in the household.

Best of luck to you!


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