# Should I leave or should I go?



## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

Here is my dilema: It's long and I am sorry, but the details are important.

I'm 43, and my bf is 37. I am 4 1/2 months pregnant. He states that he never wants to get married because marriage ruins everything. Yes, you can guess he was in a bad marriage. 14 years of hell, as he put it. Divorced 2 years. 

When we first started to date, he was romantic, wonderful, said everything right, he amazed me. But every Friday and Saturday he said he was going to San Diego to hang out with some of the guys from work. This went on for the first month I knew him. I then said, we haven't had a weekend to ourselves yet. How can we really get to know each other without spending quality time together. He promised he would. But no matter what, he'd end up spending one day down there. During this time, his phone was always on vibrate. He was checking it all the time. Upwards of 40 times during our time each of those times together. Many times he'd pull it out and he'd say "oh, weird, I thought it vibrated". Then he'd text back. He said it was the wife of one of his coworkers who he was good friends with. After awhile I said I'd like to meet her, cause the texting all the time, and the 9:30 on the nose telephone calls for 30-45 minutes each night was a little suspicious and uncomfortable for me. He was at this point, pretty much living with me. (much too fast, yes i know). But i was in love. He said sure. But there was always a reason for us not meeting.

Then I found out that I was pregnant. Yes, 2 months after meeting him. I was told I could not get pregnant. Endometriosis. I had tried for years and years with prior relationships with no success. 

One week after I found out I was pregnant, i was cleaning the room and accidentally knocked his phone across the room. I thought i had broken it and opened it up. Then of course, curiosity killed the dang cat. I decided to read his messages. Hadn't done that up this point. And what I read made me angry. He doesn't save his outgoing, but i read all hers. How much she loved him. that she doesn't understand why he won't call her or talk to her, that she thought they were meant for each other, and that they were going to spend their lives together. Her pleading for him to call after two weeks of nothing from him, and her stating "you said you loved me and wanted to marry me, I don't understand". I confronted him, calmly, voice lowered, told him I did something I was not proud of, that I read his messages. I apologized for that, but told him what I found was far more disturbing. He then told me that she was the girl he dated before me. That they had never broken up. That their relationship was over before he met me, but they still went through the motions of a relationship. But as soon as he found out I was pregnant. He finally ended it. He said he made his choice and I was it. He swore never to talk to or email her. And he's kept his word. 

It's been 2 months since that happened. But all of sudden, he's distant. He doesn't look me in the eyes. He used to be VERY VERY affectionate, and now he doesn't cuddle, and he's a cuddler. Sex which was at least 1+ hours is now less than 6 minutes. And he rolls over pretty much when he is done, or gets up. He puts immediate physical distance between us. The intimate kissing has stopped completely, only peck kisses. The hugs, almost non existent. He holds hands, but now walks in front of me, pretty much dragging me, instead of walking slowly beside me. I have a kick butt personality and sense o humor, and have been told this by countless many. And I have a huge tolerance where others take offense. But he's been super sarcastic, and just about everythin I say or do is met with a caustic and sarcastic remark. He used to text me constantly throughout the day... I'd say excessively, but within the past few weeks, it went from 40 texts to 4 in a day). If that. Sex which was every day.. is now, once every four days or so. It's always with him laying on our sides, so he doesn't look at me. I told him, although that feels good, i want to see him. He says he's tired, or that work is stressing him out. That it's not me. The I love you's that were constant, are now very rare.. it's never I love you.. it's, luv u. Depersonalizing it.

Then, it started. The phone which he had always put on the table after he got home is always in his pocket. It was on ring, now its on vibrate all the time. he pulls it out cause he thinks he felt it vibrate. We carpool in the morning, and he leaves his car at work. Now, he wants to drive his car all the time. And he says he isn't feeling well and is going home from 2:30 or so on. During lunch he'd always talk to me, now, i don't hear from him during lunch breaks. 

I asked him if he was unhappy, if he was angry, and if he thought anything was wrong with us. He said no, that he was happy. But his actions don't say he's happy.

The other day, this exgf called me and told me their whole story. She confirmed that is was pretty much over bythe time he met me, but nothing was ever officially said. I know to take what she says with a grain of salt. But she filled in a whole lot of gaps that he managed to just LEAVE OUT. I was so incredibly hurt by it all, but I listened to her. She then told me that she has had all his passwords, and that she monitors it, curisoity and a streak of masochism on her part, she confessed). She said she saw an email exchange between my bf and another girl, whereby this other girl made the advance, sent explicit photos and he asked to meet with her.

That is about when the weirness started. His exgf said that she promised him she'd stay out of our lives, but saw that and thought with me being pregnant, she did not want me to be used and have to go through all this. SHe gave me the passwords. It took me awhile to go on to them. And sure enough. The emails were still there. 

That was two weeks ago. Then on his phone, being nosy again, I checked his calls and he is called by a local number frequently, and he calls the number back. Prior to lunch, and before he leaves, whenever that is... and the more frequent they are, the more distant he becomes. 

Last night, he changed all his passwords, at 2 am when he thought I was asleep. And I saw him check his phone, respond back, and close it. But when i checked it later, nothing was there. 

I have no proof he is cheating. The stress is overwhelming, and I don't want it to hurt my baby. I have spoken to him about my suspicions without giving him the details of what i know. He said i'm just pregnant and its the hormones. My gut reaction has never been wrong, and right now it's screaming at me, and I can't prove it.

I want to just end it with him, however, what if I"m wrong, and he is trying hard, and it is me being pregnant.

I don't know what to do. Or say to him. Should I leave, or go?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ok, you committed the cardinal sin. you checked up. oops he, too, it seems, committed a cardinal sin, an affair..and you right when you say:



artemisxlr8 said:


> I have no proof he is cheating.?


unless you agree with a majority of marriage counselors who say an emotional affair IS cheating.



artemisxlr8 said:


> I don't know what to do. Or say to him. Should I leave, or go?


careful...because the decision you make will make your life suck for years...ponder this: why did he do this? you can ask him, just frame it as though you know he had an emotional affair. it is at least that. say "why did you do this?" whatever HIS answer is...THE answer is he was getting something out of this relationship that he wasn't getting from you. no offense intended. just the truth.

now...can you provide what she wasn't? excitement? spontenaety?ego stroke? if you can do it, there's your solution, but not your answer. your answer lies in this: can you forgive? that's probably going to depend in part on whether or not he can come clean with you...

good luck and keep us posted.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds to me like he just can't keep a relationship and you are just one that he bounced through.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You may not have proof, but you have red flags all over the place as far as his behavior changes from then until recently & I wouldn't ignore them. I think your decision should be based not on blind trust but on his behavior. If he is sneaky and hiding his phone, passwords and always on the phone it is no way for you to start a life with him and a new baby. It might be best to decide whether you live apart again and start over taking things slow or if he is serious about wanting to be only with you to discuss all of the changes from then until now and tell him the behavior you see now is not what you want going forward. If he is not ready to settle down in a monogamous relationship with you and your child (it very well could be that he's not since he was in a 14 year marriage that ended) then you can only do what's best for you and your child knowing this. I would think if you can get him to open up about what he's honestly thinking and doing (if you can be understanding and let him know you realize things moved fast for you both) you will be in a better position to make a decision. Right now anything you do is based on a hope and a prayer.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Wow Artemisxlr8 - it looks like you got placed in one of the most difficult situtations....pregnate from someone you didn't know too well (just a couple of months), who happened to be bouncing from a bad relationship.
Committment phobias, child rearing, communication.....
First - a deep breath!
Second - focus. You can only control your own actions. Don't try, or think you can control his. If you are anxious of what he is doing/might do, etc you will worry yourself physically sick. Not good when you need to be healthy for the baby.
In my opinion you have to build a strong foundation of a relationship if you ever expect it to be able to handle trials and challenges. I think you need to look into counseling is you want to try to build that foundation while still dealing with the challenges you outlined. If he isn't willing to put forth effort here, would he be willing to put forth effor into a relationship.
Please understand, this comes from someone who is VERY pro relationship, fixing them, healing them, making them spectatular!!!
Good luck and God Speed.


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## artemisxlr8 (Sep 30, 2008)

Thank you all for your input. He and I did have a discussion. Not ugly, but not pretty either. His explanation of his prior behavior was that he was trying to make up his mind about whom to choose. He saw that his previous gf was an almost idential duplicate of his exwife (of 14 years).. and that I was the exact opposite of anyone he had ever been with. He said I was everything he ever wanted and prayed for, that even though he now has what he wants, it scares him, because he's used to being treated like dirt for so long. He's used to the drama, the fighting. And I"m nothing like that. I give him the attention, the ego strokes, etc. He says sometimes he thinks it won't last and that i'm too good to be true. He said he was sorry for going about his decision they way he did. But he had to make sure not to repeat the 14 year mistake he just got out of. He said he made his choice, and it was me. And since, he has not contacted this other girl at all. He handed over the cell bills for the past 5 months. He was telling the truth. He said he understood being accused, but it hurt. He said he's trying. He also said that the distance, etc, was because he is going through all the sympathy pregnancy symptoms with me. He said he went through this with his past three kids. Ironically, he has more pregnancy symptoms then I do. He said it's not cause he's not interested in me, or attracted, just that, he feels the same emotions I am... and he said it's hard to keep up with me. 

We agreed to put all of it in the past. Not to bring it up again. Its a dead subject. And move forward. He said he's been waiting for this, but understood I had to get past all the hurt. He knows it won't completely go away, but he says he's gonna try his hardest to show me he loves me, and why I was the one he chose.

Again, thank you all. I just hope he means it...and that he really wants this work.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

artemisxlr8 said:


> He said I was everything he ever wanted and prayed for, that even though he now has what he wants, it scares him, because he's used to being treated like dirt for so long.


sound like me. borderline and self destructive (me, not your SO)




artemisxlr8 said:


> We agreed to put all of it in the past. Not to bring it up again. Its a dead subject. And move forward. He said he's been waiting for this, but understood I had to get past all the hurt. He knows it won't completely go away, but he says he's gonna try his hardest to show me he loves me, and why I was the one he chose.


help him. tell him what you need to be loved. we're men, kinda stupid with that stuff. and MEAN IT when you say it's a dead subject. if you agree to those terms now, stick to them. don't change the rules down the road.

good luck. and say a prayer. it couldn't hurt. He listens.


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