# Considering leaving husband lacking empathy



## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

So this site helped me a long time ago through divorce so here i go again- I am now 5 years into my second marriage. While many things are better with DH2 than my exH ( no cheating, extremely stable in his career, always there for his child). The longer I'm now with him, I realize he lacks feeling emotions (other than anger) and empathy (not just for me either, he cant empathize when is own child is hurt). 

The rift its causing is becoming wider and wider I feel like I'm alone and don't have a partner. He's oblivious almost to any ones needs other than himself and what he does for his child. I feel like I'm not in a partnership and get frustrated. I have brought this up to him many times wanting connection or to feel like we are a family but nothing changes.

Any ideas?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I would have a frank talk with your husband. 
Tell him you don't feel like a valued partner and if solid changes don't happen your ready to leave the marriage . 

That's the only way real change will happen. 
Say it and near it...Follow thru


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

2ndtimer said:


> I have brought this up to him many times wanting connection or to feel like we are a family but nothing changes.


What does he say when you bring it up? And how does he say it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's possible that he doesn't actually feel much empathy in that way? Some people are like that. Could he be slightly autistic? 
Having said that I would not think of leaving. You are only a few years into this second marriage and already you are talking about leaving because things aren't perfect. Did you make vows for better or for worse? You also have a young child to think of and the last thing he needs is a broken family.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> What does he say when you bring it up? And how does he say it?


He listens but that's about it. Dosent really engage in the conversion ( hence me feeling alone). I would best describe it as present but not engaged at this point. In the past I've tried to give him examples of things he could do to help but he dosent act on them or at best once. 

When I ask him about his emotions he will admit he's doesn't feel things.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

2ndtimer said:


> He listens but that's about it. Dosent really engage in the conversion ( hence me feeling alone). I would best describe it as present but not engaged at this point. In the past I've tried to give him examples of things he could do to help but he dosent act on them or at best once.
> 
> When I ask him about his emotions he will admit he's doesn't feel things.


Live with it , or get rid of it...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

2ndtimer said:


> When I ask him about his emotions he will admit he's doesn't feel things.


It sounds like he's being honest about who he is. It also doesn't sound like he believes he needs to change. You can't MAKE someone change. Even with threats, they're just hiding who they are temporarily until the threat passes.

Not to be harsh, but you need to realize that he is who he is, and no matter how badly you want him to be someone else, he can't, and honestly shouldn't have to. 

No person is perfect, everyone has flaws. Are these flaws you can live with? That's the real question here, IMO.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's possible that he doesn't actually feel much empathy in that way? Some people are like that. Could he be slightly autistic?
> Having said that I would not think of leaving. You are only a few years into this second marriage and already you are talking about leaving because things aren't perfect. Did you make vows for better or for worse? You also have a young child to think of and the last thing he needs is a broken family.


Hes not diagnosed autistic it could be possible though...

It's not about things being perfect at all. I'm realistic and understand my partner may not be able to meet all of my needs. However I didn't get remarried just to be alone in a realtionship. I wanted to have an actual partner. Unfortunately he covered a lot of this very well in the first 2-3 years and has only really come to ahead as of late.

The kids are not young and both already came from "broken homes". We are a blended family and decided early on his child was his first priority and my child is my first priority. Additionally I would wait until the kids are in college to actually go through with it.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Live with it , or get rid of it...


Lol Jimmi that's why I'm here. Trying to decide..


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What attracted you to your husband in the first place?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It also doesn't sound like he believes he needs to change.


Maybe, either that, or he doesn't believe he _can _change. 



2ndtimer said:


> When I ask him about his emotions he will admit he's doesn't feel things.


That's probably not literally true. My opinion is that people can learn to develop empathy if they want to. 


2ndtimer said:


> In the past I've tried to give him examples of things he could do to help but he dosent act on them or at best once.


Like what?


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> What attracted you to your husband in the first place?


We got along really well and had fun togther. Just enjoyed watching movies and going to concerts, going on vac ect.. additionally he was very opposite from my ex, stable responsible.

Now if we watch a movie togther he's on his phone the whole time, not really present. He doesn't want to go to concerts anymore. He's in the room but not there with the rest of us. ( and no he's not cheating.. ive been through that circus before)


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

2ndtimer said:


> We got along really well and had fun togther. Just enjoyed watching movies and going to concerts, going on vac ect.. *additionally he was very opposite from my ex, stable responsible*.
> 
> Now if we watch a movie togther he's on his phone the whole time, not really present. He doesn't want to go to concerts anymore. He's in the room but not there with the rest of us. ( and no he's not cheating.. ive been through that circus before)


I'm just asking, I don't mean to offend. Is it possible that you overlooked some negative traits because at that time, other traits (like stability and responsibility) were so much more important to you? Like he wasn't someone who would hurt you the way your ex did, so you kinda overlooked that he lacked empathy and interest because those other things made you feel safe?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

So far, it sounds more like depression than autism.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Maybe, either that, or he doesn't believe he _can _change.
> 
> 
> That's probably not literally true. My opinion is that people can learn to develop empathy if they want to.
> ...


Can you cuddle with me more? I enjoy when we cuddle.
Can we have sex like once a week? I think its beneficial for us as a couple.
Can you put the phone down when I'm trying to have a deep conversation with you?


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm just asking, I don't mean to offend. Is it possible that you overlooked some negative traits because at that time, other traits (like stability and responsibility) were so much more important to you? Like he wasn't someone who would hurt you the way your ex did, so you kinda overlooked that he lacked empathy and interest because those other things made you feel safe?


Oh you didn't offend


TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm just asking, I don't mean to offend. Is it possible that you overlooked some negative traits because at that time, other traits (like stability and responsibility) were so much more important to you? Like he wasn't someone who would hurt you the way your ex did, so you kinda overlooked that he lacked empathy and interest because those other things made you feel safe?


Oh you didn't offend.. yes you are prob correct


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

2ndtimer said:


> Can you cuddle with me more? I enjoy when we cuddle.
> Can we have sex like once a week? I think its beneficial for us as a couple.
> Can you put the phone down when I'm trying to have a deep conversation with you?


Hmm. That does sound like depression (or infidelity, which you say you've ruled out).


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> So far, it sounds more like depression than autism.


Long story short.. when his child was younger he got sick on a hike, puking everywhere. DH response to him (who was realively young) was to buck it up and keep hiking. I had to intervene and stop the hike and force us to leave. After that incident (and a few other times over the last few years) I've asked DH if he feels bad or if it bothers him when his child is sick or hurt and he has stated no. He has told me before he learns what he needs to do or say in an emotional situation, like comforting a friend whos parent died and then does the action but doesn't feel anything.

I do think he some capacity but just not very much.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I like your idea of waiting for the kids to be out of the house and in college, then divorcing him.

He has detached from his family in so many ways.

He is not even a good friend.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Mimicking emotions that “normal” people feel but that he doesn’t sounds like an autism trait. Or something else a little more sinister. Do you feel now that he was mimicking emotions in the beginning with you as well? How many years left until college?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

2ndtimer said:


> So this site helped me a long time ago through divorce so here i go again- I am now 5 years into my second marriage. While many things are better with DH2 than my exH ( no cheating, extremely stable in his career, always there for his child). The longer I'm now with him, I realize he lacks feeling emotions (other than anger) and empathy (not just for me either, he cant empathize when is own child is hurt).
> 
> The rift its causing is becoming wider and wider I feel like I'm alone and don't have a partner. He's oblivious almost to any ones needs other than himself and what he does for his child. I feel like I'm not in a partnership and get frustrated. I have brought this up to him many times wanting connection or to feel like we are a family but nothing changes.
> 
> Any ideas?


Someone who doesn't have empathy is certainly not someone to share children with and get old with. They're capable of anything. I don't know if he has a lack of empathy because he's a narcissist or because he's a sociopath or if he just has limited empathy, but you can't expect someone without empathy to put your interests up on a high priority.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2ndtimer said:


> Hes not diagnosed autistic it could be possible though...
> 
> It's not about things being perfect at all. I'm realistic and understand my partner may not be able to meet all of my needs. However I didn't get remarried just to be alone in a realtionship. I wanted to have an actual partner. Unfortunately he covered a lot of this very well in the first 2-3 years and has only really come to ahead as of late.
> 
> The kids are not young and both already came from "broken homes". We are a blended family and decided early on his child was his first priority and my child is my first priority. Additionally I would wait until the kids are in college to actually go through with it.


How old are the children?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

2ndtimer said:


> We got along really well and had fun togther. Just enjoyed watching movies and going to concerts, going on vac ect.. additionally he was very opposite from my ex, stable responsible.
> 
> Now if we watch a movie togther he's on his phone the whole time, not really present. He doesn't want to go to concerts anymore. He's in the room but not there with the rest of us. ( and no he's not cheating.. ive been through that circus before)


Your husband is most likely schizoid.



2ndtimer said:


> Long story short.. when his child was younger he got sick on a hike, puking everywhere. DH response to him (who was realively young) was to buck it up and keep hiking. I had to intervene and stop the hike and force us to leave. After that incident (and a few other times over the last few years) I've asked DH if he feels bad or if it bothers him when his child is sick or hurt and he has stated no. He has told me before he learns what he needs to do or say in an emotional situation, like comforting a friend whos parent died and then does the action but doesn't feel anything.
> 
> I do think he some capacity but just not very much.


That confirms my suspiscion.
Covered schizoid. They can pretend to be normal for a while. But when they are at home they show thwir true face.

Schizoid isn't schizophrenia. You have to read about it and make yourself familiar.

Schizoid people lack interest in deep social and emotional connections. They have shallow to no emotions.
They have usually very stable jobs as that is actually all they donif they are not occupied with their hobby, which is usually something done in solitude.
It is a bit what most people confuse with high intelligent people, geeks or nerds. But that isn't the same. 
They don't care much about sex or if they do they prefer sex without emotional attachment...
It is a lot to explain. They are indifferent to their children (as well) and to them the children are just annoying objects.
They also grew up being treated like an item. It is inherited. If your husband has it, your children with him most likely will get it too. Don't know if it can be prevented. It I was you I would leave him and focus on your childrens emptional developement.

If you leave he won't fight or show lot of emotion.
They are like sloth and if you come to close they'll slice you with their claws.

They have also a very distinctive speach most of the time. And they also have dead eyes. Look him in the eyes. Are they dead?



https://ak6.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/4991966/thumb/10.jpg?i10c=img.resize(height:160)



Their eyelids is always covering 1/3 of their eyes as they lack emotions because they are dead inside.

A link that has a nice and rather brief discription. You can look it up elsewhere. But this person did a great job summerizing the issue with relationships in my opinion. Does sound familiar?






WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS SCHIZOID


(Written from a woman’s perspective) It’s an axiom of life that you cannot change another person. Most people in ordinary relationships ente...




sociallyawkwardearneck.blogspot.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's another link for Schizoid personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic

Another disorder that he might have is sociopathy.
*Antisocial personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic*​Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called *sociopathy*, is a mental disorder in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others.​
That said, a person cannot be diagnosed with any medical or mental disorders via the internet. So, take all this with a grain of salt. If he's not willing to address the issues you have, then the only choices you have are to either find a way to deal with his personality or leave him.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

2ndtimer said:


> So this site helped me a long time ago through divorce so here i go again- I am now 5 years into my second marriage. While many things are better with DH2 than my exH ( no cheating, extremely stable in his career, always there for his child). The longer I'm now with him, I realize he lacks feeling emotions (other than anger) and empathy (not just for me either, he cant empathize when is own child is hurt).
> 
> The rift its causing is becoming wider and wider I feel like I'm alone and don't have a partner. He's oblivious almost to any ones needs other than himself and what he does for his child. I feel like I'm not in a partnership and get frustrated. I have brought this up to him many times wanting connection or to feel like we are a family but nothing changes.
> 
> Any ideas?


I was a legal executive in the UK and have conducted many divorce cases.
I can tell you the number one claims wives make when filing for divorce is that their husbands were not giving them enough intimacy and not paying them enough attention. The second main reason is, especially if a wife is caught having an affair, is that their husbands were not satisfying them sexually, the third is claiming mental or physical abuse by their husbands in the relationship. Fourth, that a husband has cheated on them.
I can also tell you in life it is extremely rare that a person will find an absolute compatible partner and true soulmate, real life is nothing like a Hollywood romance movie.
My now second wife and I have been married for 34 years. I do love her and she loves me in her own way but I don`t consider my wife as my best friend or soul mate. If I have a problem I want to bounce off someone I usually turn to my cousin or friends. I am also a very extroverted person, have a good sense of humour and like to cuddle. My wife is totally the opposite, but nevertheless I`m not unhappy and accept her for who she is because I too am nowhere perfect as I doubt you are because no one is.
At least after 34 years my wife is still with me, has never cheated, was a great mother for our daughter and does take good care of me, so as the old saying goes, be grateful for small mercies otherwise you`ll never find happiness.
Try to take into consideration your husband`s positive traits above his negative side, otherwise if not you`ll soon be on divorce number 2.
Think about it.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the children?


Mine is in hs, his in middle school. His is only with us part time


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It sounds like he's being honest about who he is. It also doesn't sound like he believes he needs to change. You can't MAKE someone change. Even with threats, they're just hiding who they are temporarily until the threat passes.
> 
> Not to be harsh, but you need to realize that he is who he is, and no matter how badly you want him to be someone else, he can't, and honestly shouldn't have to.
> 
> No person is perfect, everyone has flaws. Are these flaws you can live with? That's the real question here, IMO.


Perhaps OP is looking for flaws.
H doesn't sound like a butt at this point.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

2ndtimer said:


> Mine is in hs, his in middle school. His is only with us part time


So the kids aren't an issue really.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Your husband is most likely schizoid.
> 
> 
> That confirms my suspiscion.
> ...


I feel like that's matching some of him but not all. Though he matches the eye thing! He actually is social and has friends, though they are not deep connections. 

He is very invested in his child, but majority is in the item he has choosen to focud on with him, education. The rest of the realtionship isn't as much of a focus. Though he has expanded in the last few years to other things.

His child also has trouble with emotions and seeing how his actions impact others. I have often said over the years that I thought his child may be on the spectrum. He was tested when younger and came up inconclusive


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Here's another link for Schizoid personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic
> 
> Another disorder that he might have is sociopathy.
> *Antisocial personality disorder - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic*​Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called *sociopathy*, is a mental disorder in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others.​
> That said, a person cannot be diagnosed with any medical or mental disorders via the internet. So, take all this with a grain of salt. If he's not willing to address the issues you have, then the only choices you have are to either find a way to deal with his personality or leave him.


Seems closer to the schizoid than anti social.To my knowledge he is not intentionally manipulative.


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## 2ndtimer (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I was a legal executive in the UK and have conducted many divorce cases.
> I can tell you the number one claims wives make when filing for divorce is that their husbands were not giving them enough intimacy and not paying them enough attention. The second main reason is, especially if a wife is caught having an affair, is that their husbands were not satisfying them sexually, the third is claiming mental or physical abuse by their husbands in the relationship. Fourth, that a husband has cheated on them.
> I can also tell you in life it is extremely rare that a person will find an absolute compatible partner and true soulmate, real life is nothing like a Hollywood romance movie.
> My now second wife and I have been married for 34 years. I do love her and she loves me in her own way but I don`t consider my wife as my best friend or soul mate. If I have a problem I want to bounce off someone I usually turn to my cousin or friends. I am also a very extroverted person, have a good sense of humour and like to cuddle. My wife is totally the opposite, but nevertheless I`m not unhappy and accept her for who she is because I too am nowhere perfect as I doubt you are because no one is.
> ...


I'm trying to.. he is not a bad person. He does have good qualities. I am aware that I can't change him (lol learned that here at TAM and therapy back in the day. Can only change myself or how i react). It's more about if I can live in a marriage for the next 30 years that has no real connection.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

2ndtimer said:


> I'm trying to.. he is not a bad person. He does have good qualities. I am aware that I can't change him (lol learned that here at TAM and therapy back in the day. Can only change myself or how i react).* It's more about if I can live in a marriage for the next 30 years that has no real connection.*


Thank you for responding to me.
This is something only you can decide and can honestly tell you, finding a perfect partner is like fishing, only a very few are ever lucky enough to hook a prize catch.
Good luck whichever way you decide is your best way forward.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I like your idea of waiting for the kids to be out of the house and in college, then divorcing him.
> 
> He has detached from his family in so many ways.
> 
> He is not even a good friend.


Why wait? They don’t have kids together. Her kid is in high school. Why subject her kid to more time in this negative situation with this disengaged second husband? 🙁


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Lacking empathy and emotions, coupled with anger issues are tell-tell signs of narcissism. Google “lack of empathy” and see what pops up. Then see if the other symptoms fit you H


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why wait? They don’t have kids together. Her kid is in high school. Why subject her kid to more time in this negative situation with this disengaged second husband? 🙁


It was her idea.

_She feels_ it would be less disruptive.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


2ndtimer said:



Lol Jimmi that's why I'm here. Trying to decide..

Click to expand...

*Seems like you've *already* decided - you're not doing anything until both your kids are in college, so what exactly are you 'trying to decide?'

This guy is completely disengaged from you and wants nothing to do with you romantically, physically, or intellectually. He can't even put his idiot phone down when you're trying to have a serious talk with him. It's just painfully apparent how much of a disconnect there is. Sure, you can have fun like you're buddies together on vacation with the family, but that doesn't require too much effort from him when he's been pulled from his EZ chair and put in different surroundings, and it's only temporary. But put him in his usual surroundings and he's right back to being a lifeless lump of clay.

Well, I hope for your sake that college is right around the corner for both of your kids. Otherwise, it's going to be a looooooong, lonely, loveless wait for that day.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Perhaps OP is looking for flaws.
> H doesn't sound like a butt at this point.


I don’t think he sounds like a butt either. I sense this isn’t really new, it’s something she overlooked or didn’t think was an issue before.

The barfing thing is pretty bad, though. That’s not how fathers act.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

2ndtimer said:


> I'm trying to.. he is not a bad person. He does have good qualities. I am aware that I can't change him (lol learned that here at TAM and therapy back in the day. Can only change myself or how i react). It's more about if I can live in a marriage for the next 30 years that has no real connection.


I'll give you an answer that you probably won't like, but you should probably think about.
You need to look at yourself.
You have been married twice, and contemplating divorcing #2.
Do you even know what you want in a spouse?
Did you take the time to do the due diligence to really get to know,the two men you have married so far?
Your husband isn't perfect. Hell, there really isn't such a thing as the perfect Man or Woman.
I waited until I was 32 years old until I married.
That wasn't from lack of options. In my life, I have turned down two marriage proposals (from women), an opportunity to shack up, been engaged twice, and married once (28 years ago/together for 30.)
When I finally found "The one," was she perfect? No. We have had our trials and tribulations, there has been a lot of compromise (her more so than me,) because she understands ( and freely admits) that many times, my commonsense works better than hers.
However the one thing that we do have is love, and the stubbornness that both of us refuses to give up on the other.
I mention all this because that is the type of mindset that you probably should look at developing.
Because no "Person" is going to make you happy.
My SIL (Wife's sister) has found that out. When I met her, She was on H#1, she is now on H#3.
My wife has an Aunt that was married to #7 upon her death several years ago. Granted, she married a couple of them for a second time after their divorce, but still.........
Both of them flat out couldn't be alone, both traded off men more often than I trade automobiles.
Fortunately, SIL appears to have found the one, and they fit together.
There is one thing worse than being alone, and that is being with someone that makes you feel alone.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


elliblue said:



That confirms my suspiscion. 
Covered schizoid. They can pretend to be normal for a while. But when they are at home they show thwir true face.

Click to expand...

*


elliblue said:


> _*They have also a very distinctive speach most of the time. And they also have dead eyes. Look him in the eyes. Are they dead?*_
> *Their eyelids is always covering 1/3 of their eyes as they lack emotions because they are dead inside.*


So the OP's apathy *confirmed* your suspicion, did it? 😁

There's been a whole lot of armchair "diagnosing" of the OP's husband - he's a possible Narcissist, he's possibly autistic, he's probably a schizoid and a couple of others. 🤣 I have to say that I've NEVER seen so many armchair doctors in my life as I have on the various message boards I frequent.

OP, no one here has even met your husband, let alone any of us have the qualifications to even BEGIN "diagnosing" him through our keyboards; so as EleGirl said, take all this with a HUGE, HUGE grain of salt.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. That does sound like depression (or infidelity, which you say you've ruled out).


Or playing a role to snare a spouse? Sort of a bait and switch? You know, doing what needs to be done to secure a roof, carer, meals, relationship etc and then showing true colours later?

OP you mention years, but look to the first 3-6 months of you moving in together. Was there a switch then in behaviour? Where he slowly started to stop doing things?

Usually 3-6 months of a commitment is when people stop courting and show who they really are. It’s only years later that you might start to be bothered by it and drained. But it’s probably more apparent earlier on. Was it like this, or definitely a recent change?


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## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

2ndtimer said:


> Can you cuddle with me more? I enjoy when we cuddle.
> Can we have sex like once a week? I think its beneficial for us as a couple.
> Can you put the phone down when I'm trying to have a deep conversation with you?


The questions you are asking are good because that is the way to build emotional and physical intimacy. Being a man who had very similar (if not exactly the same) reaction to my ex-spouse, here are some things that caused me to withdraw from the relationship (and possibly the family):

My ex had a son from her previous marriage. The issues with parenting, or actually me having no real voice in it, significantly impacted me. *So the question is do you have children from your prior marriage? How is the parenting situation?*
My ex and her son would frequently belittle things that I took pride in. I worked very hard to get a PhD and I work as a professor in a good University and I am well respected at work. Every time I would share things there would. be some snide remark or how other Universities and their students are much better than mine. After sometime, I just did not want to share anything with these people. Even when I got a prestigious University-wide awards, I would just not share it with them. *Have you thought about how you may be belittling your spouse, possibly without even realizing it? *No man will step up and say "you are belittling and emasculating me".
My ex had about the same attitude with my parents and my side of the family. There was no effort to connect or learn any cultural aspects or even wish for their birthdays etc (actually, in 20-years I can't even remember 1 time that I got a gift from my ex-spouse for my birthday). *Are you putting in effort to not just connect with him but with people who matter to him? In 5-years have you even figured out who matters to him (my ex did not)?*
 In addition, my ex made me feel somewhat unwanted and just treated me like a servant. I the last 20-years I was the only one to run a vacuum in that house and clean up the place. There was rarely any accommodation for my time -- if things were not done right away, she would call her father to help or hire some handyman, which made me feel even more unwanted. *Are you making your spouse feel wanted or unwanted (actions matter more than words here)? Are you asking him for his input frequently with parenting? It could be even simple things as asking which color dress looks better on your child and following through with it.*
There are several other things that I could list, but running out of time here. The key thing I would like to summarize is that physical and emotional intimacy is a two-way street that runs through every aspect of your life with many stops along the way. You cannot ignore most of the stops and expect magic in the bedroom, which in fact, will be the first place that will be impacted in a relationship with a man. 

So think harder about your roles in this. In fact, even better, describe your daily routine (starting today where things will be fresh in your mind) and people will be able to help you identify things to change, at least from your end. So if you call it "quits on your 2nd marriage", at least you will know for sure, you really tried.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

2ndtimer said:


> Long story short.. when his child was younger he got sick on a hike, puking everywhere. DH response to him (who was realively young) was to buck it up and keep hiking. I had to intervene and stop the hike and force us to leave. After that incident (and a few other times over the last few years) I've asked DH if he feels bad or if it bothers him when his child is sick or hurt and he has stated no. He has told me before he learns what he needs to do or say in an emotional situation, like comforting a friend whos parent died and then does the action but doesn't feel anything.
> 
> I do think he some capacity but just not very much.


I think you need to be very careful about expecting your husband to feel or show empathy in the same way that you do. It’s not an appropriate expectation.
1. He’s not a woman. And as far as I can tell, men and women often process and express empathy very differently.
2. He may have low empathy (at least in the way that you understand it), but that doesn’t mean he’s not a good and honorable person or that there’s something wrong with him.

As an example, I show far less empathy for the transitory struggles of my children, than my wife does.
I am much more focused and making them strong and resilient than my wife is. She understands the importance of strength and resilience, but it’s not her first instinct. Her first instinct is to empathize and nurture.

When our very young child was having a serious surgery, my wife was very concerned with his pain and comfort. She was deeply upset and in pain over his (actual and speculative) pain. I was not.
My focus was on his outcome, my fear/concern was all about him being OK in the end, the pain involved in surgery/recovery was not an emotional factor for me.
I don’t love or support my kids any less than my wife does, it’s just different.

Maybe your husband is pathologically un-empathetic / sociopathic, I don’t know. And I understand that if he is totally or largely emotionally closed off to you, that’s a huge problem. I get that.
But if you’re expecting him to be your primary emotional support, or if you’re expecting anything even remotely close to that type of empathy you would receive from another woman, that’s not a realistic expectation.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I would do two things.

you ask him about what you can do to fulfill his need or what he is looking for, and you can tell him what you need and what you are looking for.

see if there is a way for both of you to work towards fulfilling other people’s expectations.

it’s no good if you only ask him to become what you want, without finding out what he wants and if his need is met.

sometimes things are “symptoms”, not the actual problem.


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## Gb85 (2 mo ago)

2ndtimer said:


> So this site helped me a long time ago through divorce so here i go again- I am now 5 years into my second marriage. While many things are better with DH2 than my exH ( no cheating, extremely stable in his career, always there for his child). The longer I'm now with him, I realize he lacks feeling emotions (other than anger) and empathy (not just for me either, he cant empathize when is own child is hurt).
> 
> The rift its causing is becoming wider and wider I feel like I'm alone and don't have a partner. He's oblivious almost to any ones needs other than himself and what he does for his child. I feel like I'm not in a partnership and get frustrated. I have brought this up to him many times wanting connection or to feel like we are a family but nothing changes.
> 
> Any ideas?


This was my ex husband. When I got pregnant he didn’t bother coming to any of the doctor’s appts and just started talking about how we needed a night nanny bc he couldn’t be disturbed from a good night’s sleep - while I was the one working full time and supporting us financially while he was in school and a “dreamer,” saying one day his startups would hit it big, but choosing to spend all of his time on his “compulsion to work” even though it wasn’t making a dime. Told me “I didn’t realize being married actually required time together. I just want to be left alone and work.” Would say he was “so excited” about the baby - a planned pregnancy- but they were just words with no emotions or actions backing them up. Girl, I get you. When I left it was the easiest relationship I’d ever left because it was great on paper/ to the outside world but when emotion is missing..: You just know it.


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## Gb85 (2 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Someone who doesn't have empathy is certainly not someone to share children with and get old with. They're capable of anything. I don't know if he has a lack of empathy because he's a narcissist or because he's a sociopath or if he just has limited empathy, but you can't expect someone without empathy to put your interests up on a high priority.


The man I was with after my husband stated to me, “I have almost no empathy. I’m a sociopath.” Are YOU, meanwhile, an empath and very forthcoming with emotions? Because I am and I think we are magnets to these types of people. The sociopath told me at one point I was the only one who could make him feel anything, otherwise he was totally dead inside and just staying alone in his apt if not at his job.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I wouldn't let a sociopath in. But I worked with a guy who may have been one. His friend said I was the only person he respected. It's because I was up front about seeing through his shenanigans so he interpreted that as accepting him for who he was. But I never would have gotten involved on a personal basis like romantic because he was physically abusive. We did have a friendship of sorts because we had to work together a lot. He was funny.


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## Gb85 (2 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I wouldn't let a sociopath in. But I worked with a guy who may have been one. His friend said I was the only person he respected.


I got the same- “he’s dismissive and doesn’t listen to or respect anyone but you.” I thought this meant our bond was special. Then, once I realized he would push my face away when I attempted to kiss him during sex and kick me out and call me a seductive b*tch for making me do something he didn’t want when he was the one who told me to come over instead of going out and immediately pounced on me, I wasn’t so sure lol


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