# So I've decided I'm going to leave ..



## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

I've decided to leave my spouse. I had posted before about my relationship. I believe it was titled "will it ever change" or something.
Recently in the last 2 months things have gotten really bad. We went from everything being fine in April up until about July/August. At the end of August he had a vasectomy done and a week after that he got mad at me because I didn't have sex with him that morning. He was in my face, pinned me to the bed and shook me ... I actually kicked him in his genitals thinking it would stop him especially since he'd just had this done, but it didn't he came back and pinned me and was yelling in my face. He "made up" for it by telling me a couple days later that he would buy me a dog for my birthday. 2 Days before we were going to get the dog he thru a massive fit about getting me a dog (which was his idea not mine) and kicked the coffee table across the room, breaking the leg on it. Things had quickly escalated since that. He seems out of control. A week ago we got into an argument, I was laying in bed and our 2 yr old son was asleep beside me, he didn't feel like I was listening to him so he wrapped his hands around my neck and said "Sometimes I just want to strangle you!" he did not use any force. I was so stunned I didn't know what to do. I should have called the cops and all my problems would have been over then and I wouldn't have to worry about it. We saw our counsellor a couple days later, all he did was try to justify why he did it. "If she would just listen to me..." He's the type who grew up around that and believe that what happens between a man and woman stays between them and there are NO consequences for men. He's told me he wants me to suffer for reporting him 5 years ago for punching me. In my heart and mind I know what I did was right by reporting that. I should have reported this last incident as well. My counsellor should've too.
I saw the counsellor on my own this past Friday. She told me she refuse to see us together anymore for counselling because she doesn't believe its doing any good. Agreed. She said if I stay with him she can't see me because theres not much she can do that will help. 
She and I have agreed that I will see her and work on my "Safety Plan" and I'm leaving. I told her I will do it, I just need the time to find a place, I know if I leave the kids and I will not see anything we leave ever again and I want to make sure they have everything they need.
So right now I'm looking for my own place. Asking friends nand some family for help of any sort be it lending me money, talking to someone they may know about rentals/jobs/ etc for me. 
Soon as I have a place to go, I'm leaving him.


From others who have gone thru this before please give me some advice. I live in BC Canada so anyone from there whos gone thru this who know exactly everything I need to do would help a lot.

I'm not sure what papers/docs I need to take with me. ( My name is NOT on the mortgage/bills/etc) The only things my name is on is a truck that my dad gifted to us for an engagement gift. My name is on the title of it and he uses it as his "back and forth to his work bus" vehicle, this is the vehicle I will take. Other then that I have a cell phone in my name.
What I need to file for besides custody.
What things I NEED to do in the time leading up to leaving.(address change? )

Also, should I get a restraining order the day I leave ... or wait until after I've left and if he starts harassing me? 

Sorry if I sound dumb to all this but I really want to make sure I do all the necessary things so he can't for example pick our daughter up from school and not give her back to me because I didn't get the proper paperwork done.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I don't know much about the paperwork part. I left my husband for similar behavior recently (although he never actually physically harmed me). Do you think he'll get out of control and make it nasty once you leave? I'm guessing the answer is yes; I only ask because my situation is slightly more manageable so I haven't found the need to change addresses and whatnot. Also, do you have family you can stay with? That would make it so you wouldn't have to worry about address changes immediately. You could also look at a shelter and maybe be able to take the kids with you. Do you think he'd harm the kids now that he's lost control of you? Most domestic violence shelters should take you because you have been physically harmed. So that might be a better option. So good for you in taking this step, I know how scary it is. You shouldn't have to live in fear anymore.


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## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

At this point I do not want to involve my parents until I have a plan. They have their own issues going on right now with jobs and other family stuff. I live anywhere between 2.5 to 7 hours away from most of my family and unfortunately they live in places that do not have the resources that I need for employment,school (both for me and my kids) and definitely doesn't have the therapists/counsellors that I will need throughout all of this. I have asked my BFF to come and stay with me for a couple of days when I do this, for comfort and safety. And I've finally started making friends here so I do have a support system.

I do fear what will happen when I leave, it's one reason I've stayed this long. He's told me he would commit suicide if I ever leave mainly because he doesn't want to pay spousal support. I finally told my counsellor this the other day and she told me I can't control if he does that, it's his choice and it's not a good reason to stay with him. 
I'm reasonably close with his mother, she has told us a few times to just separate. One thing Ive thought about doing is once I've got my stuff out, to call his mom and explain everything to her and tell her why i'm leaving, that I don't want to cut them out of the kids' lives and I want to be civil as well as ask her to be here at the house when kevin gets home and tell her that he's said he would kill himself if I left and I want to avoid that.

Yet another reason I'm trying to plan this out is I do not want to leave my pets behind as I fear he would not only hurt my pets but that he would kill them. 
He leaves for the work bus at 5:20am ... I could get up and start loading my truck so that when I wake my kids up for my daughter to go to school I can also start moving stuff ... he doesn't get home until 8pm .... as long as i'm out by 7pm.
Until I find a place I want to keep it to myself for now. If by middle of this week I'm not having any luck them I will start involving the friends of made here, otherwise once I find a place I will then ask them if they're able to help me, be it watching my son and dog and picking my daughter up for me while I move stuff or actually helping me or both.... I also have a cousin here that I can get to help me.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Do not involve his mom; her devotion is to her flesh and blood. No matter how supportive of you she has been, he is her son.

Depending on what part of BC you're in, resources vary. Your T has already said she will help you...but you're in danger now. He is violent now, not in the future. I'd call a domestic violence shelter and work through them to get safe. They'll likely have connections to foster families for your pets, too, until you're settled in your own place.

What i took when I left my ex: 
birth certificates
lease (we rented)
my car title
social security numbers (not sure what the CA equivalent is)
clothes for four days
pertinent medical records
copies of the last bill of anything in your name, with account numbers on them
checking/savings account info


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## ForeverLost (Jun 6, 2013)

My bff has agreed to come and help me and also she said she would lend me some money.

I'm afraid to leave. I'm afraid of what he will do and for some reason I'm afraid that somehow I will prove that he's right in everything he's said about me. All the more reason to continue therapy.

We do not share bank accounts. We have a joint account but he control ALL income in his accounts and he decides what to put in the joint account. If I need gas for the truck he will move only that amount otherwise there might only be $20 in there.
I get $350 in "allowance" from him and he even uses that to control me. If I'm. in his mind, not doing/acting the way he wants me to, or if he says I'm not changing/following the counsellor in his eyes then he threatens he wont give it to me. 
Money is not the most important thing to me, but this being the only money I get I'm relying on him giving it to me so I can move out. I've tried getting a job and has been unsuccessful. I've emailed about a couple places over the weekend and have set up so far to look at one of them on Friday ... he will be at work so it will be easier for me to do it then. I'm going to email about a few more places as well as jobs over the next couple days. 

I've not yet talked to my parents about my decision and whats going on nor have I told any of my local friends. I'm debating talking to one of them in hopes she may be able to help me but I don't want sp to get wind of it before hand and then preventing me from going.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tough. He sounds like he's on the edge. What does his mother say is wrong with him

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'd say your idea about his mom being of help is a good one. Sure her devotion is to her own flesh and blood, but that's the angle you are wanting to look out for as well as he is still your children's dad and wields a great deal of power over them and your future lives. I'd say you just want to call her to have a talk after you and the kids have already moved out.

Speaking of that, yes, the kids should go with you. If there is any remote risk to them by leaving them (and there is, you've made that plain), then you must take them with you. 

You can explain your position to his mom so that she can share that with him and you don't have to deal with him. Explain that you don't want to keep him from his kids but you are afraid of leaving them with him. That you ask that he not harm your pets. That you are not trying to take him for every penny he has. And of course you can warn her about what he has said about possibly harming himself or maybe others so that she can be there for him and look out for that or any other stupid thing he might do.

You might call the non-emergency line at the local police department to ask them for advice on who to talk to about local battered women shelters or other aid programs for people in situations like yours. Just a thought!


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## Wild Mustang (Oct 26, 2013)

Contact any woman's shelter, even if you don't plan on staying at the shelter. 

They have all the experience you will need. They know the legal 
ins and outs. If you do stay at their facility they may even 
provide legal aid.

About the pet, can you leave it with a friend for a few weeks? 
Some shelters may allow a small pet but I'm not familiar enough 
to know the answer.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

I do know a lot of shelters will find foster homes for pets until you can take them yourself. And you definitely should take the kids; he sounds completely controlling and there's no telling what he will do when he finally loses that control. I agree it's a good idea to call the shelter just to get advice even if you find a better place to stay.


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