# new member sad and confused



## olayinka1976

hi guys i have been looking for a way to communicate with others who might be able to help.

about 2 weeks go i came home from work and the letter was waiting for me.

my wife of 22yrs decided she no longer wanted to continue the marriage she needed time to heal.

i called her with no reply our 18yr old son came home and said he hadnt seen her since the night before.

next few days were spent calling and begging for her to at least contact me so i know what i did.

i know im not the perfect husband i can be grumpy at times and we had been fighting for a week over finances before she left.

5 days after she left with no contact i was alone in the house and the grief got the best of me i downed a whole bottle of pills i found in the medicine cabinet.

i woke up in hospital with my wife and son beside me.

we finally got to talking and she said she had enough of the fighting that she loves me but is no longer in love with me.when i was released she dropped me and my son off at home but then left to stay with her friend jen who she met at the gym a yr prior.

she blamed me for everything wrong with our marriage how she lost herself sacrificing for the family that im overprotective and im always angry.in my attempt tp get my wife back i didnt argue i just started taking councelling and anger management courses to prove i could be better but no matter what i said or did she was adamant that the marriage was over i even suggested marriage councelling but she said no.finally last thursday we had to meet at the bank to split the finances from the joint account but it was more complicated than we thought she decided to come home with me to split things up.

when we got home we finally talked as a couple and thats when she admitted she had beed having an affair for 2 months with a guy she met at the gym.she said they never had sex but it was an emotional relationship.

i was heartbroken but i still love my wife and told her we can still make it work with marriage councelling which she at first agreed to but then the next day she called and said it wouldnt help.my councellors all agree my wife is going through the classic mid life crises by showing all the syptoms.empty nest syndrome,spending more time at the gym,asking me for money to get injections to look younger,dressing sexier,blaming me for not accomplishing things they wanted at as a younger person (we are both 42)they've said at this point theres nothing i can do she with have to go through this herself before she realizes the grass isnt greener on the other side but i dont care about all that i just want my wife back and it hurts soo bad to think she doesnt want me and is willing to throw away 22yrs of marriage.

shes the only woman ive ever loved and it breaks my heart that i still love her this much to want her back but shes not even willing to try.ive hit rock bottom please help.

im tired of crying and not eating but it seems thats all i can do


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## 3Xnocharm

She has already left the marriage. You are doing the pick me dance, STOP IT. You are being weak and pathetic, STOP IT. Quit blaming her actions on a mid life crisis, there IS no such thing. Your best bet is to take a stance of strength. Tell her she needs to leave your home since she has quit the marriage, and you need to file for divorce. She expects you to whine and cry and beg, so DONT do that any more, no woman wants a weak needy man. 

Detach, stop contact, file. Continue with your therapy and anger management. She may see your changes and come around, but that isnt the reason to work on yourself... building a better stronger YOU is the goal. You likely wont even WANT her back once you get on the road to improvement. You deserve better, start believing that.


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## StillSearching

3Xnocharm said:


> She has already left the marriage. You are doing the pick me dance, STOP IT. You are being weak and pathetic, STOP IT. Quit blaming her actions on a mid life crisis, there IS no such thing. Your best bet is to take a stance of strength. Tell her she needs to leave your home since she has quit the marriage, and you need to file for divorce. She expects you to whine and cry and beg, so DONT do that any more, no woman wants a weak needy man.
> 
> Detach, stop contact, file. Continue with your therapy and anger management. She may see your changes and come around, but that isnt the reason to work on yourself... building a better stronger YOU is the goal. You likely wont even WANT her back once you get on the road to improvement. You deserve better, start believing that.


OP, Listen to her (3Xnocharm)...
She knows what she's talking about!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP,

Sorry you're here, but glad too, that you're reaching out for more information to learn more about your circumstances and perhaps ideas on how to work through what's happening. 

Many others more experienced than I are giving good advice above.

The thing is, you've got to stop blaming yourself for all of the problems. You're not. 

Your W has chosen to leave, as her solution. Without continuing efforts to improve things.

That part is what it is, sadly, but don't, don't, don't feel responsible for her choice.

The hard part is to accept she's checked out of the M. 

It will not change back, you have to quit the begging and pleading stage.

And pls stay away from the self destructive thoughts. 

You have a son, maybe more kids, and family and friends beyond the wife, and much to live for.

You must let your W experience life without your financial and emotional support, and any conveniences you may provide.

Cut off all support. 

And know that it will hurt at first, you'll go through the grieving process, but day by day as you focus on improving your life the hurt will diminish. 

You need to focus on you. 

Talk to a lawyer. Cut off any support for W.

The quicker you realize you'll have a happier no fighting W life, the better.

The quicker you stop rationalizing why she left and start living "forward", for your best future, the quicker the healing starts. 

You'll be surprised at how much better your life can be without a sour, bickering wife at home.

Perseverance is key. You're actually on the road to a happier life.

Believe it.


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## Diana7

Unfortunately any time a person between certain ages behaves badly, its blamed on a 'mid life crisis' as if is something people cant help. She is only 42. 

I feel she wants out because she is having an affair and because her new forbidden lust makes her think that her love for you isn't real love. Hence the 'I love you but I am not in love with you' which nearly all cheaters say. 

I would agree with the above posters, do what you can to help yourself and your poor son whose mum has effectively abandoned him and whose dad tried to kill himself. I cant imagine what he is gong though. For his sake be a good and supportive dad and do all you can to eat, sleep and stay healthy for him even if not for yourself.

What a total coward your wife was to leave you a note telling you after all those years. At the least she should have told you in person.


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## Lostinthought61

sadly your wife was a coward and instead of telling you the truth up front about her affair she chose to lie and spend time with this guy and BTW don't believe her at all they ad sex......now she feels guilty that she cause you your attempted suicide...i'm sorry but she is the WORST wife i have ever seen.


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## turnera

Two things. If you still want to stay married, you'll have to expose the affair to her important people. She won't be happy but she also won't be able to blame you. She'll have to make a choice. 

Unfortunately, if what you describe about your marriage - anger, money problems, etc. - is true, she most likely HAS stopped loving you and she isn't going to get that back. In that case, your best bet is to just move on, divorce, and start over, and see if you can maintain any sort of relationship with her when the affair ends.

First thing I would do is tell her you want her to quit the affair. When she refuses (he makes me feel good about myself), you then contact her family and tell them WHY she has moved out. Tell them you have plenty of room for correction and you're willing to do it, but she would have to give up the boy toy for any reconciliation to work, and that's all you're asking for - to not have a third person in the mix. See what they do. They'll probably side with her but it's the one shot you have.


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## SunCMars

Mid life crises are real.

The seven year itch, the other cycles do affect many.

So what?

Knowing this does not change a thing.

She is still gone.

She allowed herself to be taken.

Yes, she has slept with the gym guy, many times. 
She says she hasn't to keep you from further hurting yourself.
How nice.


You are also having a mid life crises.

She fell for hers, she plopped onto her back.
She caused yours to arrive, to pop open.

Now what?

Accept the loss, start getting yourself fit and healthy.
Get yourself ready for the next lady.

An honest lady, not a crisis waiting to happen, with her waiting to be made and laid.

If you are a depressive, see a MD. Get something to level off your mental anguish and pain.
Be enjoyable to be with.





[THM]- Lilith


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## Lila

Taxman said:


> REDACTED FOR RULE VIOLATION.


Seriously dude...give the revenge porn a ****ing rest already. 

Hiring a bunch of henchmen to beat up or even threaten to beat up/maim/ or kill a person is not acceptable under any circumstance. It is ILLEGAL. And if what you say is truthful, your client would have been in jail figuring out how his ex WW got the house, the money, and the AP. Stop trying to inspire people to act in ways that could get them arrested.


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## SunCMars

turnera said:


> Two things. If you still want to stay married, you'll have to expose the affair to her important people. She won't be happy but she also won't be able to blame you. She'll have to make a choice.
> 
> Unfortunately, if what you describe about your marriage - anger, money problems, etc. - is true, she most likely HAS stopped loving you and she isn't going to get that back. In that case, your best bet is to just move on, divorce, and start over, and see if you can maintain any sort of relationship with her when the affair ends.
> 
> First thing I would do is tell her you want her to quit the affair. When she refuses (he makes me feel good about myself), you then contact her family and tell them WHY she has moved out. Tell them you have plenty of room for correction and you're willing to do it, but she would have to give up the boy toy for any reconciliation to work, and that's all you're asking for - to not have a third person in the mix. See what they do. They'll probably side with her but it's the one shot you have.


Thank you for always remaining level headed.

At least in print.

This is what TAM poster are supposed to be, viz., helpers and comforters, logical and firm persuaders, 2 x 4 swingers. 





[THM]- SCM


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## Lila

OP, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It never feels good to be the left behind. The fact that she told you about it makes me think she was checked out a long time ago but was probably waiting until your son turned 18 and was either out of the house or almost out of the house to leave. She had an exit plan and never told you about it. No doubt her finding another lover was motivation to leave but in all honesty, sounds like she was planning to leave all along. It was just a matter of time. 

Now it's time for you to let her go. This is the hardest part of the breakup because unlike her, you haven't had months or years to emotionally disconnect. It's not easy. It feels like a sword to the gut. Like your soul has been ripped in two. Your whole history with her in question. Your entire future nuked. I get that. 

My advice to you is to rip the band aid off. Accept that she will no longer be a part of your life. Move forward with the divorce quickly while she is still in lala land with her new lover. You have the advantage when it comes to getting the better settlement. I wouldn't waste another second of your time on the AP aside from finding out what you can about him to use as leverage to get this divorce done fast and with as little tug of war as possible. It will feel like you are in a tornado but it will be over quickly. Gives you a chance to move on with your life. 

Work on fixing your anger issues. That's not something you want to carry with you into the next chapter of your life. You're 42 years old with a grown child. You're in the prime of your life. Live it well.


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## olayinka1976

thanks for all the replies i am grateful my family has been supporting me emotionally through the ordeal.im ashamed of what i did with the pills it was a momentary lapse in judgement.sunday was the last time i was in contact with her when she texted and said marriage councelling wont work my family advised me to text her back and let her know that i understand and would then be going ahead with splitting the bills in half and moving ahead with a separation.she texted back saying our finances are a mess right now and we should just keep the account as is but as i bring in 80% of our joint income i feel that is unfair.i dont want to be paying for her car that she is using to go see this guy or her cellphone bill she is using to contact him either.ive called her twice today and twice yesterday to try and book a date to see the mediator and to go to the bank to get separate accounts but now she is ignoring me


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## notmyjamie

olayinka1976 said:


> thanks for all the replies i am grateful my family has been supporting me emotionally through the ordeal.im ashamed of what i did with the pills it was a momentary lapse in judgement.sunday was the last time i was in contact with her when she texted and said marriage councelling wont work my family advised me to text her back and let her know that i understand and would then be going ahead with splitting the bills in half and moving ahead with a separation.she texted back saying our finances are a mess right now and we should just keep the account as is but as i bring in 80% of our joint income i feel that is unfair.i dont want to be paying for her car that she is using to go see this guy or her cellphone bill she is using to contact him either.ive called her twice today and twice yesterday to try and book a date to see the mediator and to go to the bank to get separate accounts but now she is ignoring me


Open your own new account without her and change your direct deposit. Then text her and tell her that no new money will be automatically going into that account. Inform her that because she couldn't be bothered to call you and figure out the money situation you did it yourself and that you'll be transferring 1/2 of the amount of the bills into the joint account monthly and you expect her to cover her 1/2 and it comes to XX amount. She'll call you back quickly enough after that.

I just opened up my own account after having a joint account for 23 years. It feels good to be in control of my own money again. You don't need to go to the bank with her...go by yourself, that's what I did.


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## MovingForward

notmyjamie said:


> *Open your own new account without her and change your direct deposit.* T.


This exactly, the faster you can separate financially the better and you will feel much better. Also take 50% of the cash from the old account, close any joint credit cards and either close joint account(you can do this without her permission i believe) or at a minimum ensure there is no overdraft she can use since you will be responsible.

Seek legal representation also to ensure you get out as fast and painless as possible.

Things seem like they suck currently, many if us have been in your shoes but I promise you will be WAY better off without her around and feel so much better once the dust settles.

It is an amazing feeling to no longer care and be able to focus on your self.


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## TRy

olayinka1976 said:


> then left to stay with her friend jen who she met at the gym a yr prior.





olayinka1976 said:


> she admitted she had been having an affair for 2 months with a guy she met at the gym.she said they never had sex but it was an emotional relationship.


She did not leave you "to stay with her friend jen who she met at the gym". She left you to stay with the "guy she met at the gym." She just does not want to admit it. Also, this is not high school, of course she is having sex with her affair partner. Again, she just does not want to admit it. 



olayinka1976 said:


> she blamed me for everything wrong with our marriage


If you read other threads in the infidelity section, you will see that most cheaters try to blame their spouses for their cheating. This is called blame shifting. Cheaters do this by reinventing history to make you out to be the bad guy. You need to be the bad guy for them to be the good guy. 



olayinka1976 said:


> she loves me but is no longer in love with me.


Her saying that "she loves me but is no longer in love with me" is another thing that most cheaters say. It is so common for cheaters to say this that in the infidelity section of most forums "I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You" is commonly abbreviated as "ILYBINILWY". The minute that you said that she said this, most of the regulars knew that she was having an affair. 

Bottom line is that your cheating wife is nothing special. She is just another common run of the mill cheater lying and saying what most cheaters say. Cheaters are so predictable that what your wife is saying is often referred to as the "cheaters script". You can just ignore all of these self serving lies, the "ILYBINILWY", the reinventing of history, and all of the other bull, and focus on the fact that she is a cheater that has left you for her affair partner, not because of what you did wrong but because of what she did wrong. You are not to blame. It is not your fault. Cheaters know that no one is perfect, but demand perfection of their spouse precisely because they know that it is an impossible standard that guarantees that they can falsely assign blame to their spouse.


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## Oldtimer

Sorry to hear about the suicide attempt, but my question is WHY? Friend, you love who she was, she’s not there anymore, it’s a shell and some narcissistic POS has taken over. Who’s name is the car in? The phone? Get a new bank account with only you having access, put enough money in to pay your part of the bills. 

If the car is in your name, haul it back, if the phone is on your account, close it. Why let this entitled person have her cake and eat it? She fed you a **** sandwich, return the favour, let her AP pay for it.

File for divorce and let’s see how long he lasts when not being subsidized by the foolish person who she is now! As many have said, you sometimes have to lose your marriage to save it. ( the divorce train can be stopped when you feel safe).

Expose her to everyone you and she knows, if he has an SO, expose to her. You go bro, you got this!

I wish you the best, thankfully for many betrayed, this place is here with these great folks who have felt the sting of infidelity.

OT


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## MattMatt

See a solicitor or a lawyer for an initial appointment. In fact see several of the top ones in your area.


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## Lostinthought61

olayinka1976 said:


> thanks for all the replies i am grateful my family has been supporting me emotionally through the ordeal.im ashamed of what i did with the pills it was a momentary lapse in judgement.sunday was the last time i was in contact with her when she texted and said marriage councelling wont work my family advised me to text her back and let her know that i understand and would then be going ahead with splitting the bills in half and moving ahead with a separation.she texted back saying our finances are a mess right now and we should just keep the account as is but as i bring in 80% of our joint income i feel that is unfair.i dont want to be paying for her car that she is using to go see this guy or her cellphone bill she is using to contact him either.ive called her twice today and twice yesterday to try and book a date to see the mediator and to go to the bank to get separate accounts but now she is ignoring me


i suggest you leave her a message that you will be cancelling her cellphone service and that you will no longer be paying for car....you will call you right back.


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## skerzoid

1. * There is no woman (or man) on the planet worth committing suicide over. *

2. *That you would consider it in the first place means you are codependent.* You must find a good counselor who is experienced in recovery from codependency.

3. *She is gone.* Never expect her back. She is dead to you.

4. *That she saw that you would attempt something like this and went ahead and left, Dude, she ain't coming back.* *Where's the anger?* 

5. * File as a first step to getting your balls back.**Women lust after bulls, not steers.*

6. *Stop doing the pick-me dance.* It only makes you look pathetic. You are pathetic, but you have to fake it till you make it.

7. *Women are attracted to strength, courage, and decisive action.* So far, the only thing you have shown her is weakness, fear, and an inability to take action other than hurting yourself.

8. *Women want what they can't have.* Right now she could have you back anytime she wants you. She don't want you.

9. *I know these are not the things you want to hear. *You want us to tell you to just keep hoping that she will come back and she will. Nope. *That would be a lie.*

10. *Your son is not enough to live for?* *I would die rather than hurt my son to the extent that you did. * Give him an example of strength for him to see how he has to deal with a *betrayer* like her.

11. *Your willingness to give up all rather than live without her actually feeds her ego.* *Time to cut that **** out.*


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## Marc878

olayinka1976 said:


> next few days were spent calling and begging for her to at least contact me so i know what i did.
> 
> All this does is lower your status. This just pushes them farther away and make you look worse
> 
> i know im not the perfect husband i can be grumpy at times and we had been fighting for a week over finances before she left.
> 
> 5 days after she left with no contact i was alone in the house and the grief got the best of me i downed a whole bottle of pills i found in the medicine cabinet.
> 
> Very stupid/weak move. Accomplished nothing except to lower your status even more.
> 
> i woke up in hospital with my wife and son beside me.
> 
> we finally got to talking and she said she had enough of the fighting that she loves me but is no longer in love with me.when i was released she dropped me and my son off at home but then left to stay with her friend jen who she met at the gym a yr prior.
> 
> Nope. She went back to her boyfriend which is what's really going on
> 
> she blamed me for everything wrong with our marriage how she lost herself sacrificing for the family that im overprotective and im always angry.in my attempt tp get my wife back i didnt argue i just started taking councelling and anger management courses to prove i could be better but no matter what i said or did she was adamant that the marriage was over i even suggested marriage councelling but she said no.finally last thursday we had to meet at the bank to split the finances from the joint account but it was more complicated than we thought she decided to come home with me to split things up.
> 
> Of course it's all your fault. All cheaters do this to justify their affair. It's called rewriting the marital history. Don't be dumb enough to fall for this old trick.
> 
> when we got home we finally talked as a couple and thats when she admitted she had beed having an affair for 2 months with a guy she met at the gym.she said they never had sex but it was an emotional relationship.
> 
> This is a big lie. It's a sexual affair.
> 
> i was heartbroken but i still love my wife and told her we can still make it work with marriage councelling which she at first agreed to but then the next day she called and said it wouldnt help.my councellors all agree my wife is going through the classic mid life crises by showing all the syptoms.empty nest syndrome,spending more time at the gym,asking me for money to get injections to look younger,dressing sexier,blaming me for not accomplishing things they wanted at as a younger person (we are both 42)they've said at this point theres nothing i can do she with have to go through this herself before she realizes the grass isnt greener on the other side but i dont care about all that i just want my wife back and it hurts soo bad to think she doesnt want me and is willing to throw away 22yrs of marriage.
> 
> Stop being played for a fool. Let her go. She's neck deep in a sexual affair. The separation is to get you out of the way to make herself 109% available to her new man
> 
> shes the only woman ive ever loved and it breaks my heart that i still love her this much to want her back but shes not even willing to try.ive hit rock bottom please help.
> 
> im tired of crying and not eating but it seems thats all i can do


File for divorce immediately and do full exposure on the affair.

Your actions right now just make her lover look better than you.

You don't wake up you'll just wallow in this longer than you need to. It's not the end of your world. Far from it.

I Doubt you'll listen but this is your best course of action.


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## Rubix Cubed

Oldtimer said:


> Friend, you love who she was, she’s not there anymore, it’s a shell and some narcissistic POS has taken over.


 This is the truth. ^
Even if she did come back she'll never be the wife you thought you had. The succubus she is now killed who you thought your wife was when she slept with the gym rat. You can bet on the fact that everything she has told you has been minimized and all the blame shifting is 100% tripe. She owns the cheating, all of it. You were in the same marriage and you didn't cheat.

Charge ahead with seeing a lawyer, filing, and splitting finances, who gives a rip what she thinks about it. She didn't ask you before she opened up your marriage. Take a firm, decisive stance now and you will gain back the 2 months worth of ground she made before you found out. She is no longer family, she's your nemesis. You need to recognize this or she will drag you through hell and take you to the cleaners. Get strong and stay strong.


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## olayinka1976

thanks for all the advise


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## Marc878

The worst thing you can do at this point time is talk or do nothing.

Many go through this. The ones who get strong and stay there always come out best no matter which way it goes.

You will find out later that your wife maybe a want but not a need.

Advice won't do you any good if you can't act.


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## notmyjamie

@olayinka1976 I hope you keep coming back. If nothing else this place will provide a an outlet for your anger, frustration, sadness, etc. Many people have benefited from an anonymous place to get their feelings out. You will not agree with all the advice given and that's ok. As with anything in life, you take what you need and leave the rest behind. 

I know it sucks royally to be in your position. There are people here who can help. *hugs*


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