# borderline personality disorder., why couldnt I realize it sooner



## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Hello all. Ive always felt like a bad person that overly thinks and dramatizes everything. Ive always tried to control my exhusband and our marriage. I thought I was justified in doing so because of all infidelities that had occurred to me. 

Long story short we had 17 years of ups n downs ., together three kids 18-10, seperated for three more years when I had one of my many outbursts of anger and threw him out of the house. While separated I couldn't deal and begged him back for the sake of the kids and me. But recently in January ive discovered he has a love child with the person he had an emotional affair while we were still married. He got very close to someone he thought he would never have a sexual relationship with which has broken his own family apart. He has had several infidelities but I now know we will never be.

Now I see that I had many issues that I never dealt with like the emotional abuse of a traumatic childhood., I am also very antisocial only have a couple of girlfriends whom i go out dancing and drinking with. I was partying the whole summer but realized it wasnt helping me cope. Now i have more events that I feel have been detrimental to my outlook on life. W

Why couldn't I see my own mental impairments that have contributed to an unsuccessful marriage? How do I move forward? I became very depressed when we separated n started medication but when he came back I started feeling a little better and stopped the meds. I do feel depressed but don't wanna deal with the side effects. I don't want to project any of my issues on my kids but I am afraid I already have. I feel very emotionally detached from them and I try hard to cook and clean and i also work a full time job. 
BPD sounds scary and makes me feel like there is no hope in changing the way I am. I haven't received a diagnosis but Its scary how much it describes the way I am. My sister is bipolar and my mom refuses she has any mental issues


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

vgbk said:


> BPD sounds scary and makes me feel like there is no hope in changing the way I am.


On the contrary, VGBK, there are many excellent treatment programs that teach BPDers the skills they never learned in early childhood, e.g., how to self sooth, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings, how to "stay in the moment," how to avoid black-white thinking, and how to better manage emotions. DBT is one of the treatments available. 

One reason that BPDers have such a dismal success rate is that very few of them have the self awareness to recognize they have this problem. Hence, if you actually do have BPD, you are already past the biggest hurdle to learning how to manage your BPD traits.

The other main reason for failure is that, even when BPDers do have the necessary self awareness, they don't have the ego strength to be willing to seek therapy and do the hard work necessary to make a difference. Whether you have that ego strength remains to be seen (assuming you have strong BPD traits). 

I therefore ask whether, since you started suspecting BPD, you've taken any actions to locate a good psychologist who is very experienced in diagnosing and treating it? Have you started participating at a BPDer forum such as BPDrecovery.com? Have you read any books about it, e.g., _Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified_?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok, you need to be officially diagnosed? It seems like you want to take the blame for your husbands cheating and that's is not ok. Regardless of how you treated him or acted he made a choice and cheated, cheating is a choice, you don't trip and fall into it. I just hope you are not trying to justify he's cheating, like mentioned above there are many treatments out there.

The feelings and what a cheater can put you through is enough to drive anyone crazy, he even has a love child!

I'm not sure you should Lable yourself. Go see a professional.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I wouldn't go around diagnosing yourself, and it does not sound to me as though you are socially impaired OR disconnected from your kids, but have sought to spend time with others in normally available social venues and also maybe distance yourself from your kids due to steeling oneself to work and also to protect them from being overly exposed to your very real issues, which BPD is not OFFICIALLY a part of. A love child, infidelities, family with diagnosed mental illness on whom you cannot rely for yourself or to be there for your kids? That's a lot of stress, but it's not BPD. Stress can set off one's adrenal system, long before you even are aware of the stressors consciously, you FEEL them in a very real way. Then stress can make you feel a bit nuts. But that doesn't lead to mental illness, it leads to a feeling of emotional instability, which you can learn to buffer and control. Definitely seek a professional opinion, but don't go looking for a box to put the problems in to try to find an easy solution. There is never a canned solution, you just have to get your hands dirty and figure out a way to make a life for yourself that makes sense for you and the kids who depend on you.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. While I do understand that ex made his own decisions that have caused the end of the marriage, I do need to decipher what I have also done and learn from it

Thank you, Uptown I have been reading more and yes I have seen that just becoming aware has given me more insight to how I work within. Now that I am older I can hopefully be able to manage my life better but will I be able to permanently Learn to cope with my emotions without feeling them so intensely? Will I ever be able to really learn who I am and not feel so threatened by negative emotions?

And homemaker that's exactly what I wanna do learn to buffer and control my emotional instabilty. in my twenties my emotional dysregulation was so out of. Wack but now as a thirty six year old self aware, sufferer I can try to seek help while going through a divorce that I know will have me feeling very unstable. Also homemaker even when not stressed I have always had an issue with depression and bpd just never sought help until the ending of my marriage.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

vgbk said:


> Will I be able to permanently Learn to cope with my emotions without feeling them so intensely? Will I ever be able to really learn who I am and not feel so threatened by negative emotions?


Yes, there are excellent treatment programs available all over the USA that have much success in teaching BPDer adults those emotion regulation skills. If you have strong BPD traits, you have an amazing level of self awareness. I would be surprised if as many as 5% of BPDers ever achieve that level of awareness. 

You can make some progress on your own by reading about BPD and talking with other BPDers on the forums dedicated to them, e.g., the one I mentioned above. I suggest that, here on TAM, you look for posts by Mavash, Pidge70, and SoulPotato -- all of whom have learned how to manage their BPD traits in therapy. 

Without therapy, however, _you will not get very far._ What is needed is guidance from a professional who stands outside of you and thus can see where progress needs to be made. Hence, your first objective should be to see a good psychiatrist to obtain a diagnosis and medication for your depression. He likely will refer you to a clinical psychologist for weekly treatment if he determines you have strong BPD traits. 

Importantly, the skill sets vary greatly among psychiatrists and psychologists, just as they do in any profession. It therefore is prudent to spend some time obtaining a reference or researching the options online.

I note that, if you have strong BPD traits, your goal will be to _reduce_ those traits -- not _eliminate _them. At a normal level, these traits are generally beneficial and important to your survival. This is why every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. 

And this is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the traits to some degree. The traits become a problem only when they are so strong that they distort one's perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations -- and when they weaken your self image.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

vgbk said:


> Thank you, Uptown I have been reading more and yes I have seen that just becoming aware has given me more insight to how I work within. Now that I am older I can hopefully be able to manage my life better but will I be able to permanently Learn to cope with my emotions without feeling them so intensely? Will I ever be able to really learn who I am and not feel so threatened by negative emotions?


VGBK, I have been diagnosed with BPD and have been receiving therapy and DBT for the last 8 months. And yes, you CAN learn to cope with your emotions, though I know it might seem unthinkable or impossible to you now. I couldn't believe it was possible when I first started - it felt so bizarre and alien, and not me. But now I am seeing real results. Your intense emotions will always be a part of you. You'll just be learning how to recognize them and deal with them, how not to go into the spiral, that emotional cyclone. Through establishing stability and learning healthier patterns and ways of relating, you will begin to learn who you really are (the therapist will help with that, too). Doing this will also make it so that you have fewer triggering events, because you won't be contributing as much anymore.

You may have a hard time finding a qualified therapist who is trained in DBT and has the sufficient experience and knowledge of BPD to treat you and be open to treating a BPDer, but don't give up. There's a lot of prejudice and stigmatization towards the disorder, even amongst professionals, but that's just ignorance. Try not to let it get to you.



vgbk said:


> And homemaker that's exactly what I wanna do learn to buffer and control my emotional instabilty. in my twenties my emotional dysregulation was so out of. Wack but now as a thirty six year old self aware, sufferer I can try to seek help while going through a divorce that I know will have me feeling very unstable. Also homemaker even when not stressed I have always had an issue with depression and bpd just never sought help until the ending of my marriage.


It is definitely worse when you are younger. I was very dysregulated in my teens and 20s, too. Gaining self-awareness over time really helps with getting a grip on those destructive behaviors and the impulses and feelings that prompt them, but the ending of a relationship is always going to be a big stressor/trigger for someone with BPD. And while you haven't been diagnosed, you probably know after reading about it - whether it's that you have strong traits or the full-blown disorder. I knew I had BPD many years before a therapist ever said so. (Some of them will be afraid to tell you right off unless they already know that you're aware and questioning.) So did other people. It's a little hard to miss, even if you might not know what it's called at first. Anyway, an official diagnosis is good, if only for your peace of mind and for appropriate treatment. Beware the insurance companies, they're against paying for treatment of BPDers, but don't worry, good therapists account for this and give another reason for treatment.

You probably didn't realize sooner about your BPD because doing so would have been threatening to you, and because it is your SOP (Standard Operating Procedure), so it seems normal. (Also, there's still not enough clear and unbiased information out there about it.) What's to realize, you know? It's only through interacting with others that we start to see that we're not the same, that something is wrong.  But it's all to survive. So the behaviors and ways of thinking did serve a purpose at one time, but are now destroying you.

This blog is written by a BPDer receiving treatment (I find it very helpful and interesting): Beyond the Borderline Personality


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Uptown is right, no one can tackle BPD on her own, not even the most self-aware person. It's the nature of the beast. You need that objective, trained third party.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I know it might feel to you like you're a bad person, Vgbk, but the truth is likely far from that. If your mother has shown that she refuses to acknowledge and be supportive, don't tell her. You don't need her (further) invalidation of you. My family would not be supportive either, so I have never told them. But you definitely need the support of at least a therapist, but also of some other people who can be trusted.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks for the info while I still haven't seeked treatment, Im still doubting the gravity or seriousness of my traits as they do not seem as they are particularly strong. Since this illness is in a spectrum. I think my traits are at a lower level. I just don't know what to do now with the way I feel. I love my ex n feel guilty for all he has endured with me. He is the only person that I have had on my side and while I don't excuse his indiscretions and bad judgement I understand that I have been a very difficult person to be with. Should I maintain a relationship with him? I believe he is just waiting for me to come around so that we can continue our lives seperate but friends.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

vgbk said:


> Thanks for the info while I still haven't seeked treatment, * Im still doubting the gravity or seriousness of my traits as they do not seem as they are particularly strong. Since this illness is in a spectrum. I think my traits are at a lower level.*


You're welcome! Be careful with this (the part I bolded). I also thought that I didn't need treatment because my BPD wasn't "bad enough" - I was able to function enough to have a job, was often able to maintain some level of self-control on acting out, etc. But that's very deceptive. Just because you're "high-functioning" doesn't mean that this disorder can't wreck your life and needlessly hurt others. I guess it should be a matter of "strong enough". Is it contributing to damaging/destroying things you care about, like relationships? Making your life more difficult? If so, it's strong enough to need treatment. (I think you'd say yes to both of those questions since, like me, you think of yourself as "a difficult person".) Even if you were assessed and found to have strong traits and not full-blown BPD, that can still be plenty bad enough to need attention. 



vgbk said:


> I just don't know what to do now with the way I feel. I love my ex n feel guilty for all he has endured with me. He is the only person that I have had on my side and while I don't excuse his indiscretions and bad judgement I understand that I have been a very difficult person to be with. Should I maintain a relationship with him? I believe he is just waiting for me to come around so that we can continue our lives seperate but friends.


You could give going to a therapist at least a couple of tries.  If you could find someone suitable, it would definitely help. I think that since you still love your ex and he just wants to be friends, this may cause both of you problems. 

I totally understand what you mean because I have a person in my life who was the only person on my side, too, and still is (my GF). She is why I committed to therapy and to becoming a healthier person. I don't want to hurt her again or punish her any further for her love and trust, and for that, I'd do anything. People don't understand how powerful a gift their love and acceptance can be. 

If you want to maintain a relationship with your ex, you should probably do so with the guidance of a good therapist. That's rough ground to handle even for people who don't have a BPDer's particular vulnerabilities.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Thanks yes I will limit my contact with ex until I have found a therapist then I will go from there. I'm just tired of being hostage to my emotions, its like they take over and I watch in horror to the damage I cause. I want to be able to have a clear view of the person I am and I think it starts with truly accepting letting go of this man that tried but had faults of his own.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

vgbk said:


> Thanks yes I will limit my contact with ex until I have found a therapist then I will go from there. I'm just tired of being hostage to my emotions, its like they take over and I watch in horror to the damage I cause. I want to be able to have a clear view of the person I am and I think it starts with truly accepting letting go of this man that tried but had faults of his own.


What kinds of damaging things do you do?

Yes, it's kind of like being possessed sometimes, or feeling like a passenger in an accident even though you're the one who's supposed to be driving. I know the feeling well. You should stick around TAM. 

What do you think is the best way for you to let go of him? (It is difficult to impossible for anyone to remain in a romantic relationship with an untreated BPDer indefinitely, regardless of how much love there is. It's just too damaging. )


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Thnx for talking with me soul some of the damaging things ive done have beat this other person down completely, I do not blame myself for the decisions he has made but I do see that he did try and talk to me reasonably about our problems and I never wanted to do any soul searching. If I would have seen that my negativity and perception did have consequences I would have handled situations differently. I belittle him constantly, disrepected him continuously., made him question himself and motives constantly, psychologized him thoroughly. When I should've been working on myself.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

I really don't know how to let go. I try and focus on my daily activities work,, kids but still don't think I'm doing a good enough job in any area of my life. I want to be whole but fear the unknown of a life without him and dread the fact he has another child with this woman. Sometimes I try and think we can overcome all our problems together and work out a better union but it seems impossible that I can overcome all my negative impulsive emotions and manipulations.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vgbk said:


> I really don't know how to let go. I try and focus on my daily activities work,, kids but still don't think I'm doing a good enough job in any area of my life. I want to be whole but fear the unknown of a life without him and dread the fact he has another child with this woman. Sometimes I try and think we can overcome all our problems together and work out a better union but it seems impossible that I can overcome all my negative impulsive emotions and manipulations.


The black/white thinking will be your highest hurdle.

Life simply is not "all or nothing"


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

You're welcome, VGBK. 

You've got a lot to deal with right now. Your feelings for him, possible BPD, and his betrayal/infidelity. You definitely have sufficient reason to seek help, so don't feel like your problems don't warrant it or that you'd be wasting the therapist's time (that was the one that I always felt - that they could be helping someone else in worse trouble and I was uselessly sucking up their time!!). You deserve to be helped and listened to, and you deserve to be happy. Getting to a better place will take a lot of hard work, though.

If you have an eye towards working things out with your ex, the two of you really need to get into MC to address the infidelity. At the very least. But even if you are able to deal with and process the things he has done, and still want to go forward, if you are dealing with BPD, it will shoot you in the foot and halt or even destroy progress the two of you make towards rebuilding your relationship.  I guess you could start with MC while looking for your own individual therapist? Is your ex open to that? Because he has a lot of work to do on his end, too. He has to understand that. Where does he stand on his cheating? What does he think about it?


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi soul yes we tried mc early in our separation but he didn't continue because he didn't want to work in our marriage anymore. He said he was tired of trying, at that time I was finally at a self awareness point but still hadn't heard of bpd I thought it was just my depression. I was stuck in my black and white thinking and only saw us working to be United again instead of exploring many gray areas that could have probably worked. He wanted us to not live together but still be married and work on our individual selves. But when I discovered texts and contact with the OW he had EA with my reaction was total devastation and my cycle of emotions started again.


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## vgbk (Oct 13, 2009)

And yes I will explore mc again. He understands how wrong he is . Who wouldn't? But he has his own psychological issues to deal with so its so hard to deal with each other right now. I do give up every once in awhile and he will visit me n kids for two or three days. It has been this way since the year started.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Your ex has a whole process to go through regarding the cheating and what that did to you. Doesn't sound like it was ever dealt with, really. He has a need for his own IC to work on his issues. He has to be willing to commit to addressing his own problems and the infidelity in order for reconciliation to happen.


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