# What do you say.....



## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

What do you say to someone who is leaving you and the woman who he had an emotional affair with in limbo, knowing they are deeply depressed and won't seek help and they tell you this......" feel like I’m constantly waiting for something. like I’m constantly waiting for life to hit me in the face with an easy direction to take. Everyone keeps telling me I have to make a decision. That its my choice. But everyone keeps telling me all the choices I’ve been making were wrong. I’m so empty, I have no drive. I don’t like how I feel. The only time I feel better is when I’m drunk on the weekend and destroying my hearing. " I am at a loss of what to tell him, as I have tried soo many different approaches and I know that I can't solve his problem for him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

avoiding a decision IS effectively a decision

and may be the worst thing to do to anyone when it comes to infidelity


I would stop worrying about his indecision and rather make your own choice, and that you won't put up with his crap anymore


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Drinking on weekends....destroying your hearing....sounds like a couple of very bad choices. Are you going clubbing without your husband? Who is with your two year old when you are doing that? You say he is leaving you. Have you met with a good attorney yet? So, my two cents... Stop the drinking. You dont really like how you feel when you are drunk. You like the feeling of not feeling. Get yourself in order And reclaim your self-respect. See an attorney even if only to know what your rights are. That's part of getting your affairs and self together. You may or may not reconcile with your husband. Some relationships need to hit rock bottom before they rise from the ashes. My wife was as far removed from marriage as your husband is. Possibly farther removed. I took off my ring, moved out, told her I was filing for divorce but wanted to work out the divorce specifics with her before filing. It was not a threat on my part. It was truly my intent and she knew it was not a bluff. She woke from her fog and went no contact with the OM. I moved back in and we are still reconciling. Your post talks about 'feeling like I'm constantly waiting for something'. I get that. That's why I chose the name I did when I joined TAM. It's a horrible feeling. I'd pick a different name if I discovered TAM today, but I draw some strength from seeing where I've been.

Who knows what direction your situation will go in? You don't need to be depressed because of worry that something will end. It has already ended. The marriage you knew is gone. It may or may not rise from the ashes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you say GOODBYE!

and live life to the fulliest.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

JustWaiting said:


> Drinking on weekends....destroying your hearing....sounds like a couple of very bad choices. Are you going clubbing without your husband? Who is with your two year old when you are doing that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, we are going out together on the weekends. He is living at home with me and our son. He does not contact her, but does not tell her that their relationship is over. She will randomly contact him, with things like "Is our relationship over? is this the end?" and his response is "I don't know, I need space". He moved out for 2 weeks and came home, got rid of everything that she could contact him on, but yet he still says that he is not happy and he doesn't understand why i am soo patient with him when he tells me that he wants to be with her. I told him that if he wanted to he would be with her right now. I told him many times that if that is what he wants then he needs to do it, I want to work on our marriage. I have talked to a attorney in the beginning when everything blew up, on what I would need to have in order if he did file for divorce, so I know where I need to be on that. I too feel like I am waiting for something but it is he who says he is waiting for life to hit him in the face. I just wish he would get out of the fog and see the amazing things that he has in his life. Do they ever feel better? Just last night I got the "I hate you because I Love you".....


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I actually talked about this in IC yesterday. 

My situation: depressed, cheating husband unable to make decisions about what he wants with a lot of people supporting his decision to "take all the time he needs". This encouragement is obviously not coming from me! 

What we talked about is that depression at its very core is burrowing into a hole and refusing to move because of the inability to cope with your current life circumstances. So therefore it is counterintuitive to encourage someone who is depressed to take time. My therapist recommended setting ground rules with my H and letting him know that as of such and such a date, if he chooses to continue to wish to act like he is single that any and all encounters between us will be conducted accordingly (ie. scheduled dates, no drop in visits). 

I really don't know if this is going to help or harm chances of R but more than anything it is going to help me be a little more independent and free of the feeling that he is single and that I am still married to a cake-eating a**hole


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

henley said:


> My situation: depressed, cheating husband unable to make decisions about what he wants with a lot of people supporting his decision to "take all the time he needs". This encouragement is obviously not coming from me!


Fortunately, everyone around both of us is telling him he has to decide. They say its his choice but they tell him that all the choices that he has made are wrong. He's struggling with it. I actually got a tear when I read your post and I chuckled too. The whole cake eating a**hole comment


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would you say anything to an unfaithful guy? I'd let my lawyer do any necessary talking. I avoid talking to crazy people, drunks, druggies, and liars. Why waste time talking to someone you can't believe?


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

I believe that kind of depression is normal and is a sign of withdrawal. There are several good articles here that talk about the hormonal and chemical processes in the brain and how the A's end is like going cold-turkey off heroin. Give it time. 

That said, make ABSOLUTELY clear that there must be NO more contact. And insist that he cut down the drinking. Help him by planning activities that don't involve alcohol. If the A is over and there is NC, cut him some slack to allow for the drugs to wear off. Suggest counseling. It has taken my W two months, and she isn't entirely clear of it yet. 

While he is getting better (and he is, if there is NC), then spend the time on yourself. Go work out, go shopping, go watch a movie (by yourself). Think through the logistics of a separation. I found it very empowering to have a planned path to independence in case my W didn't come around. There isn't much you can do for him now, but you really can help yourself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Make it easy for him and leave.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Why wait for him to decide? Why is it his decision? Don't you have a say? If he says, I don't know what I want......_*then believe him*_.

You say, I hope you find the happiness/drive/motivation/muse you are looking for- and put divorce papers in his face.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

thrway214 said:


> I believe that kind of depression is normal and is a sign of withdrawal. There are several good articles here that talk about the hormonal and chemical processes in the brain and how the A's end is like going cold-turkey off heroin. Give it time.
> 
> That said, make ABSOLUTELY clear that there must be NO more contact. And insist that he cut down the drinking. Help him by planning activities that don't involve alcohol. If the A is over and there is NC, cut him some slack to allow for the drugs to wear off. Suggest counseling. It has taken my W two months, and she isn't entirely clear of it yet.
> 
> While he is getting better (and he is, if there is NC), then spend the time on yourself. Go work out, go shopping, go watch a movie (by yourself). Think through the logistics of a separation. I found it very empowering to have a planned path to independence in case my W didn't come around. There isn't much you can do for him now, but you really can help yourself.


Thats what I keep comparing it to, a drug addiction, they talked literally all day everyday via text and whatnot. anyone would go through withdrawals. Knowing he is really depressed I have been cutting him a ton of slack. He is not contacting her she just randomly contacts him, the other side to the story is that she is currently separated from her husband because of all of this. She needs him to decide too, but she is relentless the day after he said he needed space she created a fake email address using a character from his favorite movie and put a really awesome quote in the email. It only took 2 or 3 emails back and forth to realize it was her so he deleted them and stopped responding. I have suggested counseling and he won't go. Thanks for the advice on the doing stuff for me. I have been trying to do just that, while also telling him that I am there for him. Not because of the whole EA but for his depression mainly. I hope that soon he will see a light at the end of the tunnel, right now he feels like he will never be happy again.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

The words I remind myself of are TOUGH, but GENTLE. To me, they remind me to be tough on the A, but gentle on the person. 

Are you sure this is just an EA? If she is waiting for him to decide whether or not to leave you for her, this may be more involved.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

ParachuteOn said:


> Why wait for him to decide? Why is it his decision? Don't you have a say? If he says, I don't know what I want......_*then believe him*_.
> 
> You say, I hope you find the happiness/drive/motivation/muse you are looking for- and put divorce papers in his face.


I do have a say, I made the choice and the decision to work on my marriage. He is waivering, but made somewhat of a choice by not talking to her and is at home with me and our son. That is why I have patience with him.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

thrway214 said:


> The words I remind myself of are TOUGH, but GENTLE. To me, they remind me to be tough on the A, but gentle on the person.
> 
> Are you sure this is just an EA? If she is waiting for him to decide whether or not to leave you for her, this may be more involved.


Thanks for the encouraging words. I am 85% sure that is was just and EA, but they did think they are soulmates and that they could have a fairytale life together. I believe that she is waiting for him to leave me for her, because I was told that towards the end they talked about how good they would be together. She knows that he left for 2 weeks and she knows that he came home. I believe that if he doesn't tell her its over and just continues to ignore her (which he did for a few weeks until the most recent text) or tells her that he needs space...she will not give up. I'm 95% sure they have not had sex, as far as kissing stuff that i am not positive of. He has told me that I am prettier than her and that he loves having sex with me and that he doesn't look at her in a sexual way, but they have this emotional connection.

Not that it matters but let me also say that this November will be our 10 year anniversary


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

May will be our 10years too. Some gift we got, huh?

This sticky thread talks about no-contact letters. Talk to him about it - and that you would like him to write one to OM. At this point, he is frozen solid because of all these different emotions he is feeling. A little firm guidance may tip him off the fence. 

His words (soulmate, fairytale) are typical and I heard them from my W too. 

BTW, if you are only 95% sure on sex - get yourself checked for all STDs. Please. And I feel like you may have decided to stay in the M a bit too soon. Do you even know everything yet? Why the rush to decide? I suggest that you not rule out a D and explicitly tell your H that you plan to get a D if he doesn't get his head out of his ass soon. 

Clearly the OW has not gotten over the fog. Consider exposing to her workplace or her H if that will help.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

Yeah a great 10 year gift. lol I will read that thread and try to discuss it with him. Well there is a little more to the story, we actually were going to MC and he insisted they were just friends, I was friends with her too and he insisted that I continue to be friends with her even though I had multiple issues with their friendship from the beginning. This went on for 18 months. I honestly believe she attempted to be my friend so that she could be friends with him. I made a bunch of changes but I feel as though he didn't even see all the changes I made because he was so involved with her. I am the one who finally said "Its me or her" and that he couldn't have a wife and a girlfriend. Which then puts me at where I am today. The MC stopped that day that I gave the ultimatum. D is not ruled out, it can't be I am not gonna make him stay if he doesn't want to be with me. He is his own person and would love for me to be the one to leave. It would make his decision so much easier. There isn't anything to expose her to, she is a SAHM and her husband is very much aware of everything NOW! He was the idiot that always said he was ok with their relationship. He has even contacted my husband and tried to chew him out for what happened. I may have been premature in deciding that I wanted to work on my marriage but I did that a long time ago and I know now that I can honestly say that I have done everything that I could to save my marriage, but it doesn't make me feel any better.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

He is really in a depressive state. He just lays on the couch all day everyday I can't get him get out and do things.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

cndmarriage said:


> He is really in a depressive state. He just lays on the couch all day everyday I can't get him get out and do things.


He is an egotistical, immature, whining, self-entitled child who is acting like he got caught misbehaving and had his favorite toy taken away.

Men (and I use that term loosely) like this give the rest of us a bad name.

Protect yourself and your kids. If he wants to wallow in self pity - so be it. Don't let him bring you down.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

henley said:


> I actually talked about this in IC yesterday.
> 
> My situation: depressed, cheating husband unable to make decisions about what he wants with a lot of people supporting his decision to "take all the time he needs". This encouragement is obviously not coming from me!
> 
> ...


Henley, sounds like a good plan. It gives you a goal and an end in sight. Sounds like a variation on the 180.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Maybe he's hoping that if he puts off the decision long enough, everyone will cool off and stop having expectations of him so he can continue banging you AND his mistress.

Decide if you want to be with the guy or not. If you do, then tell him it's you or her; tell him he has to decide now or get served. If he can't choose you when push comes to shove, he never really will and that means you should divorce his sorry a$$ and find someone worthy of your time who isn't just jerking you around.


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## cndmarriage (Oct 14, 2011)

moxy said:


> Decide if you want to be with the guy or not. If you do, then tell him it's you or her; tell him he has to decide now or get served. If he can't choose you when push comes to shove, he never really will and that means you should divorce his sorry a$$ and find someone worthy of your time who isn't just jerking you around.


I have told him that. That is how I got where I am today. I looked at him and told him that he couldn't have a girlfriend and a wife and that it was either her or I. He doesn't contact her but basically has told her that he needs space so everyone once in a while she contacts him to find out whether they are through or not. She left her husband with the intent of my husband going with her, he didn't and is at home with me but still struggling with his decision. He has told me now that he would be willing to go to MC. I am hesitant because he says that he suggested it because he says that I am a great person and I deserve that much out of him.


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