# How to Deal with a Spouse's Sexual Past



## Starfall (Dec 16, 2013)

I knew when I met my husband that he had been on drugs in the past and had a very difficult past. I knew he had been with other women, but I guess I never really wanted to know details. After marrying him I asked him one day how many there had been. He hesitantly said, "At least 50 that I knew their names." I was shocked. Later I found a list stuck in an old picture book where he had listed them all. He was right. There were about 50 names on there, but there were also a lot of "blonde girl at beach", "girl in Apt.", Indian girl, etc. I am having a very difficult time with this. Granted he didn't know me then and he does love me now, but how can I ever not feel like just a number on the list? Any ideas?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He married you, not any of them.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I agree he did marry you and if he's faithful he found the one he wants.

Pasts do have a way of coming back to haunt someone. Even men that sleep with a lot of people can be looked at in a negative light.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How is your marriage? How does he treat you? Does his behavior make you feel like just another on the list?


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## mrsmanhatten (Apr 21, 2012)

You are definitely not another one on his list. He is married to you. He courted you, tried to impress you, loves you. When you are in such a lifestyle it is a blur which is why he doesn't remember names. It was just something to do, and you are someone special to do for the rest of his life. Do not feel insecure about it. On a positive note you must be a knock out in bed if he has had so many and chose you


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## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

Starfall said:


> I knew he had been with other women, but I guess I never really wanted to know details.


You consciously put yourself in a situation of not wanting to look until after it was too late, rather like crossing a street without looking and then upon seeing the bus bearing down on you asking other people for advice.

This is going to be a general behavior pattern, not an isolated event since it was a strategy applied to the most important thing in your life. When it is applied there, it is guaranteed to be applied to the trivial as well. 

So the most important thing to do is accept responsibility and buck up, while making the decision that you are always going to require yourself to look before you leap.


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

It doesn't matter, what matters is how your relationship is. I think the same applies if genders were reversed, and as long as no deception was involved.


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## Boogiemaster (Oct 11, 2012)

What matters is your not 51 your his wife so there must be something special about you?


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Starfall;6254329T least 50 that I knew their names." I was shocked. Later I found a list stuck in an old picture book where he had listed them all. He was right. There were about 50 names on there said:


> The above quote is quite disturbing to me, if I were you. Also, I really understand your unhappiness on this, because if he REALLY put all those girls behind and telling you that you're #1 girl to whom he married, he should not keep those photoes along their names at the place where you can easily access.
> 
> Some of women might forgive COMPLETElY the husbands' past, particulary those girls involved, but the others certainly not. It appears to me that you're one of those, the latter one, ... a trouble dealing with his past.
> 
> ...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

woman said:


> It doesn't matter, what matters is how your relationship is. I think the same applies if genders were reversed, and as long as no deception was involved.


I think there is still a double standard about sexual histories. If the situation were reversed and the wife was the one with 50+, she'd be instantly labeled a sl*t and wh*re. There would be a lot of suggestions to check her phone and emails and install VAR's to make sure she isn't cheating, since the expectation is that she wouldn't be satisfied with only her husband since she used to have sex with lots of other partners. 

There would be a lot of angst by the husband regarding whether he measures up to his wife's ex-lovers, and he'd get a lot of sympathy for feeling like just one in a long string and his wife must have "settled" for him so she can have a man to support her and have babies with. There are a lot of threads started by men who have retroactive jealousy over their wife's past bf's and lovers, even if there were only one or two in her past, even without any deception about it. And there are a lot of threads, a LOT, about wives having performed certain sex acts with other lovers and it makes the husbands crazy that she did it with them.

So OP is not alone in her feelings or her anxiety about her spouse's past. It's just that women are expected to accept a husband with many partners - sowing wild oats, boys will be boys, and all that.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Have you both been tested for all STDs? I guess that's the main thing that would worry me.

Otherwise if he is giving you no reason to think he's cheating on you or wants to, I wouldn't put a lot of energy into worrying about his past one night stands at this point. What good would it do?


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

I think OP has a valid reason to be indifferent to knowing her hubby was busy getting busy.

When I was dating my "wife" I found out that she had done some sexually immoral things and been on more wieners than ketchup. I struggled with this for a long long time. 

I use it at a gauge of someone's morals and their character. Would you want to marry someone, don't care if male/female, who was a porn star? Have kids with? How about a "rehabilitated" pedophile? 

Yeah me neither. I think the potential mate has every right to use sexual immorality as a deal breaker as a testament of character.


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## MarthaMellow (Dec 30, 2013)

I don't understand why you would ask about his sexual past. I don't ask and I don't discuss mine. There can be no good outcome.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

These are questions that should have been asked before marriage, OP, or left alone. Get him to bin the list (he should have done this before you got married) and leave the past where it belongs. 

Numbers, yes, but no good can ever come from discussing _details_ of someone's sexual past, IMO.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> no good can ever come from discussing _details_ of someone's sexual past, IMO.


Oh, yes. A LOT of good can come from that discussion. As long as it happens BEFORE you marry.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Starfall said:


> I knew when I met my husband that he had been on drugs in the past and had a very difficult past. I knew he had been with other women, but I guess I never really wanted to know details. After marrying him I asked him one day how many there had been. He hesitantly said, "At least 50 that I knew their names." I was shocked.
> 
> Later I found a list stuck in an old picture book where he had listed them all. He was right. There were about 50 names on there, but there were also a lot of "blonde girl at beach", "girl in Apt.", Indian girl, etc.
> 
> I am having a very difficult time with this. Granted he didn't know me then and he does love me now, but how can I ever not feel like just a number on the list? Any ideas?


Apparently nobody on this thread saw this, so I enlarged it a bit for clarity.

If he had put his past completely behind him , why would he keep a list?

That's what's disturbing the OP, and her concerns , worries are legitimate. She isn't shaming her husband but she's having a bout of retroactive jealousy , and questioning her place in the entire scheme of things.
What she needs is positive reinforcement from him. 
If she felt confident enough in her relationship, she wouldn't be here asking the question in the first place but they would have resolved it, together.
What she needs is professional help.


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

norajane said:


> I think there is still a double standard about sexual histories. If the situation were reversed and the wife was the one with 50+, she'd be instantly labeled a sl*t and wh*re. There would be a lot of suggestions to check her phone and emails and install VAR's to make sure she isn't cheating, since the expectation is that she wouldn't be satisfied with only her husband since she used to have sex with lots of other partners.
> 
> There would be a lot of angst by the husband regarding whether he measures up to his wife's ex-lovers, and he'd get a lot of sympathy for feeling like just one in a long string and his wife must have "settled" for him so she can have a man to support her and have babies with. There are a lot of threads started by men who have retroactive jealousy over their wife's past bf's and lovers, even if there were only one or two in her past, even without any deception about it. And there are a lot of threads, a LOT, about wives having performed certain sex acts with other lovers and it makes the husbands crazy that she did it with them.
> 
> So OP is not alone in her feelings or her anxiety about her spouse's past. It's just that women are expected to accept a husband with many partners - sowing wild oats, boys will be boys, and all that.



Yeah you're right about the double standard and the suspicion that would be applied if the genders were reversed (especially here). 

Personally I think getting upset about something like that is a waste of energy, however rereading the OP, I think having a list is a bit ick. Don't get why someone would need to keep a list...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Starfall said:


> *I Later I found a list stuck in an old picture book where he had listed them all. *


The list was found in an old book, I bet the list was old too & he most likely forgot it was there. 
None of us can give the OP the clarity she needs other than her husband, she needs to ask HIM the questions she has.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> I think OP has a valid reason to be indifferent to knowing her hubby was busy getting busy.
> 
> When I was dating my "wife" I found out that *she had done some sexually immoral things* and been on more wieners than ketchup. I struggled with this for a long long time.
> 
> ...


So you liken your wife's sexual past to being a porn star or a rehabbed pedophile? Just trying to get some clarification here because to me having had sex with X # of people doesn't even come close to being a porn star, let alone a pedophile.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Just a number??? Are you kidding, he has pledged his life to you. 

If you married him not knowing his past and being content with that, why did you ask him now?

When you asked him the truth and he gave you the TRUTH why are so upset? Be proud of him!!

We all do things we are ashamed of years later? I think you should tell him thanks for being so honest and transparent and very, very proud of him......he could have lied to you. He obviously has high character.

If it was me I would be feeling ashamed of myself for questioning him......unless your DH has given you reason to suspect otherwise:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Apparently nobody on this thread saw this, so I enlarged it a bit for clarity.
> 
> If he had put his past completely behind him , why would he keep a list?
> 
> ...


I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. She said the list was kept in an old picture book. How long ago he wrote it is what we DON'T know. Also maybe he made this list even before he met the OP and forgot about it.


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