# I need help with understanding



## discontinued

I have been married to my husband for 9 years now. There is no touching and talking turns into fights. I get a kiss for goodbye and sometimes when I return that is it. First we don't make love because of his pills he is on. Then he said he can get pills from his doctor that will help his man hood. He gets the pills but never used them on me. He now tells me he has ptsd and that is why we now live in a sexless marriage. Can someone get ptsd 10 years later after the army? This is coming from a man that have porn apps on his phone and every toy you can think of. He dose not have problems working it alone. Even before the man hood meds. Even bought him self a pump. I have found lots of dating sites accounts. He says he is looking for porn on them. All the sites he has looked on was girls from our area we live in. He knows this hurts me and still he lies and tells me I am never going to understand. He dose not talk normal to me. He sounds annoyed just to talk to me. I feel he is with me just for our children. I have asked him a lot why he is with me. He hates it talking about anything and I am always called names so easy. Could put something in the wrong place and I am dumb and don't know nothing. I have been called every name in the book by him. This is a every day event. I am to the point where I cry a lot sometimes can't help it I am so lost and lonely every night. I feel he is lying about this ptsd and is cheating on me. He has been to a few movies and out to dinner with his guy friend. I have never meet. He has been starting to used face wash and put on clone to go to work. He is a Janitor at a hospital. He not only bought new under wear. They are different style and brand. He stopped wearing boxers. Mom told me if he gets new under wear then he is cheating. New music has popped up on his phone. But he don't listen to music with me its always boring talking and news. Any ideas on where to go from here or have the same problems?


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## notmarriedyet

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your womanly instinct (I call it my "gut feeling") is already telling you what's going on. 
The new music, boxers, mystery friend he goes to dinner with ... My man doesn't go to dinners and movies with other men. Unless it's a wild game stag night dinner ... But I digress:
You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you. He's breaking his vows one way or another - especially for not even trying to work through this bad time in your relationship. 
You could go to the "coping with infidelity" forum and ask for suggestions about how to go about getting proof of an affair - if you need to see tangible proof. But I think you already know in your heart. 

His calling you names, no giving of affection, intimacy of any form, including sex - is super abusive in my opinion. 

As for the porn, that's one thing. It tells me that he's interested in sex and/or getting off, just not with you. When porn replaces sex it becomes a huge problem that needs to be given up for a while. 
As for dating sites- that's flat OUT CHEATING. trolling the web for real women in your area? Cheating! Please also get yourself tested for STDs if you've had any sexual contact at all since you've noticed this behavior. 

It's going to destroy your self esteem eventually - and believe me when I say this : your children sense EVERY BIT OF THE TENSION. 
That's worse than getting a divorce - again, just my opinion. 
I hope you get the help you're looking for - I really think you should copy your post over to the "coping with infidelity" section. You'll get a MILLION more responses, and the people there are super helpful and kind. 
Best wishes sent your way.


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## EleGirl

He's cheating. You need to get solid evidence and then confront him. 

Be sure you know what you want to do before you confront him.. do you want a divorce or to see if he will reconcile and work on your marriage?


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## D'arcy

He's verbally abusive towards you, unacceptable. He isn't intimate with you, bad sign. You know he is on site's for porn, has toys and also libido pills (assuming Viagra type medication), been out with someone whom you do not know and he is wearing cologne to work when he never did before.

I'm sorry to say, he is cheating on you. Personally, the verbal abuse would be enough for me to leave, add the other information and this isn't a healthy relationship at all.

I would be looking in to finding an attorney, filing for legal separation and working on figuring out what needs to be done to end this marriage and how to divide whatever assets you both have. Your self esteem is so low right now and the more you allow this to continue, the lower it's going to go(it's evident in your writing). Stand up, be strong and know you're better then the situation you are in.

All the best to you.


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