# Separated - Wife keeps saying "divorce" - won't talk



## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

My wife left 9 days ago. She won't talk to me, we've never separated before. Together for 10 years, married for 6.5 years

She's the type to bottle up her emotions, everything went bad when my son from another woman came to live with us. (then 8, now 12) I don't have the skills to be a good father, I wind up lecturing him sometimes for 30 mins and it stresses her out. I take the frustration with me to other areas of life (traffic, internet, etc.). 

I plan to seek anger management AND parenting classes (everything is closed over holidays.)

When she left: 

Thursday we argued because she thought she'd be late for work. She always wants to leave just a few minutes before work and I have to rush to get her there on time. She was ready at 6:55 and said "come on we have to GO" and I threw on clothes and jumped in the car, told her "We are always behind, what's the difference today?" She got out mad, stayed at work for lunch, got a ride home. That night we talked about it and I told her it's always like that so what's the deal, she said "My co-workers are telling me you 'haul ass' thru the parking lot." So I set an alarm for 6:40 and got in the car early on Friday. 

She came down at 6:57 as per usual, I jetted up there, slowed down to 15mph in parking lot. She said "You don't have to prove this point, Andy, I'm going to be late!" I explained that I was doing the speed limit for parking lots and she said it seemed dramatic. She stayed at work for lunch again. I picked her up. We came home and I called a friend to set up plans for the next day... Our "christmas" and then I got off the phone and asked her what she wanted to do. She said she was going out with a friend and I asked if we could discuss the argument before she left.

She exploded. She said I'm always angry, my parenting style is "****", I'm not the kinda father she wants for her kids. She said I can't change. She said this is my personality and it sucks. 

I messaged her to see if she would come home the next day (Saturday) to enjoy our holiday. She said "I'm done, but i need clothes for work tomorrow." She asked if I would leave while she came. I said we'd be home because it's our christmas and my boy was playing. She said what to get ready, I did. She didn't wanna come in asked me to put it outside. I told her to come in, I won't blow up, she did. I asked her if we could talk sometime and she reluctantly nodded. 

She took her things, opened the present I asked her to open (one that she thought I ignored her about, something she needed badly.) She thanked me and left. 

Tuesday she texted she needs more clothes and stuff, asked if I would leave. I asked if we could meet to talk and she said "I don't see why..." "I'm done Andy, I'm filing for divorce as soon as possible." 

I agreed we'd leave, stopped pressuring her and we left while she came. I went to a friends house and puked all over... I came back to find all her clothes gone, only her important papers, pictures, heirlooms were still here (we don't own much). She left a check for rent.

I haven't contacted her since then, trying to give her space. I'm very afraid she will never talk to me.

Is there any advice that anyone can offer for how to move forward in order to save my marriage? This woman is very special to me. We're near 30 and we have ten years together. We are so compatible it's unreal. We've never had boundaries at all, which isn't healthy. I want to grow with her and I'm afraid she doesn't trust me to be able to. 

Thanks for any constructive input. I'm moving forward preparing for life outside marriage but I really want to make this work.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

you said you can't change...this is a lie. of course you can change. did you ask her what you have to do or to get done so that she may consider to reconcile?


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## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

SA2017 said:


> you said you can't change...this is a lie. of course you can change. did you ask her what you have to do or to get done so that she may consider to reconcile?


SHE said I can't change. (post edited for comprehension purposes)


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Somebody's gonna say it. Find out who the other man is.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So is your son from prior to meeting her?


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## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

Edmund said:


> Somebody's gonna say it. Find out who the other man is.


Not helpful or likely, thanks anyway Edmund. Seriously we spent all our time together outside her work schedule, she never worked late. No signs of infidelity. This is me being realistic.


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## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> So is your son from prior to meeting her?


Yes. I was 17, didn't know how to exercise my rights. Eventually baby-mama filed for welfare and they hit me up for child support. I picked him up and he smelled like dog ****, wearing rags, dirty, hungry. I violated court order, kept him, represented myself and won custody in court. She never expected him to be living with us. (neither did I) But I couldn't take him back to that drug den and leave him with methheads to be neglected and have to steal food.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

oh ok, i missed that point. so did you ask her what do you have to do for her to give the marriage another change?


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## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

SA2017 said:


> oh ok, i missed that point. so did you ask her what do you have to do for her to give the marriage another change?


Never got the chance, she blew up and left and now won't talk to me. I *KNOW *what I have to do and am doing it. I need to control my anger better and as SOON as places open on Tuesday I'm signing up for some kinda anger mgmt. + parenting classes. I just need to know how to get her to *SEE *these changes. Any advice in that area would be *REALLY *helpful.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Lecturing you son for 30 min . Seems normal to me unless its over spilled milk!

She seems like shes just as messed up as you. 

Without any other warning she up and leaves! Somethings doesn't smell right to me. Wheres she staying?
You don't know do you?

I also think there might be a man somewhere in e picture


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## JustAndy (Jan 1, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Lecturing you son for 30 min . Seems normal to me unless its over spilled milk!
> 
> She seems like shes just as messed up as you.
> 
> ...


I happen to know she's with a mutual friend. Jeez, posting here was a bad idea. Thanks anyway you guys.

Just to put this "to bed": We were SOOO compatible in bed. She never was unsatisfied. We were going nearly every night until the week before she left (pms). I do alright, I'm not small, I'm fit. I know no other way to clarify: This is most likely NOT the case. 

(This isn't to be defensive, this is to keep the thread ON SUBJECT.)


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

JustAndy said:


> I happen to know she's with a mutual friend. Jeez, posting here was a bad idea. Thanks anyway you guys.
> 
> Just to put this "to bed": We were SOOO compatible in bed. She never was unsatisfied. We were going nearly every night until the week before she left (pms). I do alright, I'm not small, I'm fit. I know no other way to clarify: This is most likely NOT the case.
> 
> (This isn't to be defensive, this is to keep the thread ON SUBJECT.)


You sound pretty upset. And, you don't even know us.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> You sound pretty upset. And, you don't even know us.


Strongly agree with this. Infidelity may not be the case (although God knows the countless times many a betrayed husband has been more sure than you are only to be proved wrong here on TAM), but your reaction to it as a suggestion is perhaps one of the areas you need to work on.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Strongly agree with this. Infidelity may not be the case (although God knows the countless times many a betrayed husband has been more sure than you are only to be proved wrong here on TAM), but your reaction to it as a suggestion is perhaps one of the areas you need to work on.


People who anger quickly are difficult to live with. I wonder if the OP has always been angry?


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Ok well, I guess try to be patient. Eventually she will talk with you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

JustAndy said:


> I happen to know she's with a mutual friend. Jeez, posting here was a bad idea. Thanks anyway you guys.
> 
> Just to put this "to bed": We were *SOOO *compatible in bed. She never was unsatisfied. We were going nearly every night until the week before she left (pms). I do alright, I'm not small, I'm fit. I know no other way to clarify: This is most likely NOT the case.
> 
> (This isn't to be defensive, this is to keep the thread ON SUBJECT.)


Who writes like this...makes you sound like you're 11


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Focus on controlling your anger for your kid's sake. 

Wife is probably gone. Once a woman refuses to talk she is usually done. Nothing you can do to force feed her a message of meaningful change. She likely sees this as too little, too late. Or worse. A hollow attempt to placate her to prevent her from leaving. Let her move on and do the same. Maybe she will come back, but I wouldn't bet the rent on it.

You need yo open your eyes and start seeing the whole picture, not just what you want to see.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

JustAndy said:


> Is there any advice that anyone can offer for how to move forward in order to save my marriage?


Work on yourself and you just might be able to save the marriage.



> We are so compatible it's unreal.


This doesn't seem true.



JustAndy said:


> I just need to know how to get her to *SEE *these changes. Any advice in that area would be *REALLY *helpful.


I advise that you work on changes _for yourself_, not to win her back. If you do it all under the guise of trying to win her back, she's still the ultimate goal, not fixing what got you into this situation in the first place.



JustAndy said:


> We were SOOO compatible in bed.


Ok, so if this is what you mean by your compatibility, then you got a lot of work to do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JustAndy said:


> I happen to know she's with a mutual friend. Jeez, posting here was a bad idea. Thanks anyway you guys.
> 
> Just to put this "to bed": We were SOOO compatible in bed. She never was unsatisfied. We were going nearly every night until the week before she left (pms). I do alright, I'm not small, I'm fit. I know no other way to clarify: This is most likely NOT the case.
> 
> (This isn't to be defensive, this is to keep the thread ON SUBJECT.)


In your mind maybe everything was perfect? She's gone though isn't she?

I doubt you're the type to listen to anyone anyway so good luck


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JustAndy said:


> I happen to know she's with a mutual friend. Jeez, posting here was a bad idea. Thanks anyway you guys.
> 
> Just to put this "to bed": We were SOOO compatible in bed. She never was unsatisfied. We were going nearly every night until the week before she left (pms). I do alright, I'm not small, I'm fit. I know no other way to clarify: This is most likely NOT the case.
> 
> (*This isn't to be defensive, this is to keep the thread ON SUBJECT.*)


No, this is defensive.
You, muzzling good men and good women.

You set the agenda, the talking points and we obey?
Uh, I do not think that is going to work.

What others do, did, in the same situation was "Filter". 
Answer those posts that you like, ignore the rest.

TAM is like a Pizza Supreme, you get everything on it, from it.
Just pick off the anchovies and the sausage if you like them not.

Do not take TAM help 'personally'. Nobody knows you, and you in return, know, no one.
It is a great relationship. Done so anonymously. What more can you ask?
.........................................................................................

Now, you and sex with your walk-away-wife....

She enjoys sex with you, the physical part....OK.

*She still left, she is not enjoying the emotional part.
Why? Maybe you are a tad controlling.*

Controlling and indigent. As you are with 'some' of us. You are always right, everyone else is left. Left out of the discussion.
Hmmm?

Likely, now me.

SunCMars-
freezing his ass off in North Carolina.


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## mohamjd (Dec 28, 2017)

JustAndy said:


> My wife left 9 days ago. She won't talk to me, we've never separated before. Together for 10 years, married for 6.5 years
> 
> She's the type to bottle up her emotions, everything went bad when my son from another woman came to live with us. (then 8, now 12) I don't have the skills to be a good father, I wind up lecturing him sometimes for 30 mins and it stresses her out. I take the frustration with me to other areas of life (traffic, internet, etc.).
> 
> ...


Pls Andy don't burst out your anger stay calm, pray for everything to come unique as it is and she will definitely come back and talk to you.

Sent from my TECNO 7C using Tapatalk


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## mohamjd (Dec 28, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> So is your son from prior to meeting her?


I believe the presence of his son worsened everything

Sent from my TECNO 7C using Tapatalk


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

I don't think we're getting the entire story. Why do you need anger management, OP? What are your control issues? 

It's pretty typical for women to bottle things up when H is the type to explode all the time. So, you've just NOW decided on parenting and anger management classes? (But everything's closed for the holidays, LOL!) What have you been doing for the last three years?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

JustAndy said:


> I happen to know she's with a mutual friend. Jeez, posting here was a bad idea. Thanks anyway you guys.
> 
> Just to put this "to bed": We were SOOO compatible in bed. She never was unsatisfied. We were going nearly every night until the week before she left (pms). I do alright, I'm not small, I'm fit. I know no other way to clarify: This is most likely NOT the case.
> 
> (This isn't to be defensive, this is to keep the thread ON SUBJECT.)




This is neither here nor there. Amusing tho. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Pinning her to the bed, until she cries 'uncle', does not pin her Star on Yours'.

SCM-


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I think your wife has given up on your marriage. What is worrying about your wanting to do those parenting/ AM courses is your asking for advice on how to show her you’ve changed. The focus should be on how to fix yourself. It sounds like you think a course or two can fix everything. I doubt that is likely especially if those problems are what caused her to leave and not speak to you. 

Give her space and in the meantime work on yourself. From your responses to the other posters it does sound like you do need to work on your anger management.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> People who anger quickly are difficult to live with. I wonder if the OP has always been angry?


Exactly my point.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Exactly my point.


I'm also fairly certain this thread is headed toward the necro thread Hall of Fame.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

ReturntoZero said:


> I'm also fairly certain this thread is headed toward the necro thread Hall of Fame.


I sense he will return.... after learning "new" news.

Usually takes about two-three weeks to learn.

Andy..... check phone records, debit receipts, GPS

Am I certain? No. But if I was a betting man, I would say yes.

Ok Chuck..... why so? OP states everything wonderful and *poof* she go bye-bye.

Sounds familiar to any TAM vet.


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