# I'm Falling Apart



## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

I had a thread going in the considering separation area and everyone was telling me it sounded like an affair. I was angry that everyone was so negative ... They didnt know us. i hate them for eing right. As our separation started things just didnt seem to add up. I looked into the phone bill and found an incredible amount of texts and and call to and from one number starting about a year and a half ago. I pressed my wife and she admitted to there being this person. she said it was only emotional and that she would never do that to me (be physical with someone) but i still felt cheated. I also started obsessing. I looked at specific times. These texts and calls were going on when we were supposed to be together (birthdays, anniversaries, vacations) I felt so betrayed. Then i looked at a time when i knew she was sending pictures of herself to me, and the same number of pictures were sent to him. I pressed her about having sent nude pictures to him and she confessed. Then I asked again about the physical, she said if she was me she wouldnt want to know the answer... I said I didnt want to but I had to know how far it went. I had to hit bottom if we had a chance of rebuilding. My wife has become overall destructive in her life. I found a letter she wrote to herself over a year and a half ago talking about how sad she is. I truly believe she thinks she doesnt deserve good things and is acting is ways she believes will have them taken from her. She says she only started having sex with him in the last couple months. It is a guys that used to work for her company, low level, he knows she is married and has a son, but obviously doesnt care. I have found out who he is and what he looks like... a complete tool.

Now I am torn. I am filled with rage, saddness and confusion. All the while I am still the one taking care of our son every day. I am mad at myself for not saying anything soon. I saw the signs but i always trusted my wife completely and never in a million years thought this could happen. I treat her well, I take care of her. We love each other. I still over her and want our marriage to work. She has agreed to see a counselor, says she needs to to help her decide what she is going to do. Then she also says its not about him but wont end it until she talks to someone. When she comes home to be with our son i am fine and we are still affectionate (this came to light 9/17/-9/18/13) but when she leaves to stay at her sister's each night I lose it. I cant stop picturing them together. I want to obtain the texts and see what the pictures were. I want to find this guy and tell him to leave my family the F&@! alone. But I know I cant. I cant risk putting my relationship with my son in danger. Im so lost. I want to make it work, i love my wife. I just dont know if I'll ever be able to be intimate with her again and not picture her with this guy


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Are you sure she is at her sisters? If you really want your best chance to reconcile. Then you need to take strong actions. 

Do a hard 180
Get checked for stds take care of your health
See a lawyer to check your options 
Do not enable her affair in anyway.
Expose it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

She is at her sister's. Her family is on my side. I have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression. i have to also show her she is loved so she knows she can come home. I have not asked the question about whether or not they used a condom. Thats a hard one but one I have to ask anyway I know. I told her she has a time line to end it with this person before I take action.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> truly believe she thinks she doesnt deserve good things and is acting is ways she believes will have them taken from her.


All people live out their "personal truth". More about this later. 



> She says she only started having sex with him in the last couple months.


That may, or may not, be true. One thing all adulterers have in common.... they are all LIARS. Lying is the basis of adultery, and the father of it.



> I just dont know if I'll ever be able to be intimate with her again and not picture her with this guy


One thing is for certain, you won't for a long time to come.

What you have to decide is this.....

If you were engaged to her today, and know what you know now, would you go through with the wedding ?



> Then she also says its not about him but wont end it until she talks to someone.


What she says "not about him" is true. This is 100%, completely, totally, about HER. 

The problem is that NOTHING she is doing here is about YOU or YOUR SON.

Actions, my friend, always speak far louder than words. Her "personal truth", therefore, is NOT that she "doesn't deserve", but rather that she DOES DESERVE, EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF HER HUSBAND AND HER SON, toward whom she has a completely depraved indifference.

Is this is really the kind of person you want to be married to?



> have not asked the question about whether or not they used a condom. Thats a hard one but one I have to ask anyway I know.


No, you don't. Whether they used a condom or not is irrelevant. Condoms can break, and bacteria and viruses can get around them even if they don't break.

You need to go have yourself tested for STDs, and inform her that there will be NO RELATIONS between you and her UNTIL she has had herself tested, and PROVEN that the affair between her and the POSOM is over.



> have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression.


Wrong again. Her "depression" is horsesh*t. What she needs to do is to get herself right, and get her concupiscent a$$ the hell at home and take care of her son.

She needs to FACE the pain and suffering she has caused her husband and do what is necessary to help him heal from the consequences of HER misdeeds.


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

TJW said:


> Actions, my friend, always speak far louder than words. Her "personal truth", therefore, is NOT that she "doesn't deserve", but rather that she DOES DESERVE, EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF HER HUSBAND AND HER SON, toward whom she has a completely depraved indifference.
> 
> Is this is really the kind of person you want to be married to?


Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> I have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression. .


You need to take care of yourself. See a lawyer, keep all the records you can, get some rest. See a Doctor and a councilor on your own to get your mind right.

You are your main priority for not only your son but mostly for yourself. Stop worrying about her depression and other problems. It is you who has to get your whits about you.

She cheated on you and it is not your fault, it is her guilt. The 180 will help, I would not expose her till you get yourself feeling good about yourself. It is time to set your priorities and stop feeling sorry for yourself.


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

Code-Welder said:


> I would not expose her till you get yourself feeling good about yourself.


Not sure what you mean by expose her. Also how will a lawyer help keep my family together?


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Do you know if O/M is married or has a girl friend? Is your wife his side project? It would help end the affair if there was someone on his end you could expose the relationship to.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years


Keep reading on CWI and you'll quickly see that being easy on a wayward spouse NEVER results in what you think it would. It's obvious your intentions are good, but the attitude that you will tolerate anything and everything in order to stay married is going to enable her selfish behaviors. 

Selfish, lying, sick people don't change because people are nice to them. They don't change because others try to "help them change." They may change if they suffer MAJOR consequences (major being divorce, loss of child, etc). The 180 and enforcing boundaries is the quickest route to your sanity and the survival of your marriage. Coddling will result in more and more and more pain and ultimately divorce. Look at endless threads of this happening here.

I myself am struggling to accept that I cannot control my wayward spouse or beg him into changing. I can only control my reaction to his behavior and the impact I allow it to have on me.

Hang in there C&N. You're not alone.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You won't keep your family together if you don't expose. There have to be consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

He is not married, he is 26, a loser. my wife is 28, I am 31. I have actually considered going to his mother whom has the cell phone number I tracked listed in her name. Tell her how her son is trying to destroy my family. Yes he knows she's married with a young child


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

As far as expose, she knows i know, she knows i know who he is. i have confided in her parents and i also believe they are going to intervene. SHe has agreed to go to counseling


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> She is at her sister's. Her family is on my side. I have to walk a fine line between showing how hurt I am and also dealing with her depression. i have to also show her she is loved so she knows she can come home. I have not asked the question about whether or not they used a condom. Thats a hard one but one I have to ask anyway I know. I told her she has a time line to end it with this person before I take action.


With an affair, sorry to say but you should assume the worst, i.e. it's a lot worse than she's saying, and the sex was unprotected. 

Depression is not an excuse for her having an affair on you. The affair is a choice she made. The depression may have made her more prone to being manipulated by the posOM. 

Expose to the OMW. She deserves to know. Better yet, go with your wife and have her confess to OMW. Your wife needs to understand the consequences to her actions. This stuff seems counterintuitive. We want to "nice" the WS back into the marriage. It's better to expose the affair to break the allure and excitement. Then the BS needs to show the WS that the BS is willing to end the marriage. The WS has to see the damage they've done, and the BS is not going to tolerate it. The BS can live without the WS and without the marriage. There is no plan "B".


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

what does OMW, WS, and BS stand for?


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## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

if its other man's wife, there isnt one


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years



C.a.N, I onestly think that you will be doing what you want to do and you keep little account of advice that we will give you......
The reason why I say this is because you do not see the facts thrown in your face, and would prefer to see things in a fake way cause the truth is to much for you. Seems that you will even try to justify it.
I understand the value you give to the family, I do not understand why are you trying to force this value to a person who is not sick, but only unfaithful 

Please forgive me if I seem to harsh.... just cant stand certain things


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You're doing a number of things wrong in my opinion. 

First, STOP making excuses for her. You're doing it wrong. There is NO excuse for cheating. There is no "but I was drunk, not thinking straight." There is no "I didn't feel loved." There is no "I was depressed." 

Loyal people do not cheat, no matter the situation or excuse.

When dealing with a disloyal spouse who isn't sure about what they want, when they need to find themselves etc. You NEED to 180. Time and again it's been proven an effective process. 

Here's the thing you're missing. In order to save a marriage, you must prepare to be single. It sounds counter intuitive, but it's effective. 

You must expose the affair.

You should read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer. 

If you don't work out, you need to. If you don't life weights, you should. These are things that most people should do regardless of the situation. 

Others will talk about audio recorders and all that. 

But what I just said is standard stuff that works. 

Also, don't be surprised if there's more. A LOT more. Trickle truth is on page 1 of the cheaters handbook.

In a nutshell, you stop helping her financially that isn't a requirement for your kid(s). Stop talking, texting, anything that isn't for kids. You stop trying to "nice" her or "talk" her into things. You go dark. 

You don't show weakness. You show strength. Being nice, logical, nothing will get you anywhere except back bone. 

That's what it boils down to. Pull yourself up off the floor and stop being a doormat. All this manipulative cloak and dagger doesn't show strength. Don't go to his mom, his dog, his friend. 

You should be direct.


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## helpandadvice (Sep 13, 2013)

My story is very similar but still hoping no PA has happened. I have seen the pictures my wife has sent the OM andyou probably do not want to see your wife's texts. You wife had a PA and that should be enough.

My wife shows no remorse and does not want to work this out. I wish my wife would end her EA and want to be with me. I would do everything I can to work it out.

There are so many negative people on this site for good reason that say get a divorce. My opinion is if she is 100% remorsefull and be completely honest then you have to try and work things out. I am filing for divorce next week and hate every minute of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally


Yeah? I suppose Nidal Hasan was, too. 



> these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years


Well, I can't say which woman you knew and loved for 10 years, but these actions ARE of the woman you know and love NOW.

Please don't take this "burden grievous to be borne" on yourself. 

This is not a "sickness". It's a SIN.
This is not a "mental illness". It's a SELFISHNESS.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Nobody here can help you while you bash the advice you are being given.

You go see a lawyer and file for D to wake her LYING, CHEATING butt up ! You can always not go through with it. Believe me, she will be singing a new tune when she is served with D papers !

You are being the classic "Nice Guy". YOU CANNOT STOP AFFAIRS THIS WAY !! She's cheating on you because she has no respect for you. You are a weak doormat in her eyes. You let her get away with OUTRAGEOUS behavior with absolutely NO CONSEQUENCES !!

If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to get tough with her big time.

BTW, you realize it takes a particularly selfish and cold hearted woman to be able to do this with such a young child.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

c&n
You need to draw hard line here. She ends it, now, immediately, or she can gtf out, and stay out. No ***** footing around. I know exactly how you feel, trust me, EXACTLY how you feel. Yoy will not be doing either of you any favors in the long run.

She has shown the sorts of decisions she thinks are good. They are not, so do not leave any decisions regarding you and your son up to her. Do you understand?
Look out for yourself and your son first, your wife cannot be trusted, she is addicted to the feelings, and she may continue to male bad choices, you can't control that, but you can distance yourself from the damage.

Go see a lawyer, find out what your rights are, prepare for the worst. Continue to care for your son. Look after yourself. Forget about the POSOM, (seriously, I know, but he is not your problem), at this point as weird as it sounds, you are your problem. Do not accept blame for her choices, you had no say in them. Go see a doctor, tell goin what's going on. Get tested for stds. Sorry man. Start reading some threads here. You aren't alone, learn from others. There's a reason you get told to take a hard line, because it is the best thing to do in this ****ty situation.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Crushed

My story is in my signature labeled mymistake. I would read the first 5 or so pages.. Just my posts.. 

Now take it from a man who has had his wife commit or look to commit 4 affairs that I know of.. I can tell you the first one I have no clue really if she did or didn't. I let it go and just moved on with our lives.. The 2nd one she was gonna met this man. The third was emails. 

The fourth, well she moved in with him.. What caught me was what your wife said to you. Which is exactly what my wife said to me.. It has nothing to do with him. 

I told her if he has nothing to do with this they why are you moving in with him ? roommates ? Need help paying the rent ?

crushedandnumb, my friend,, It's very hard to accept. I know.. I couldn't either.. I loved my wife.. In many ways I still do.. Its taking me time to get over hating myself for feeling that way.. Its hard.. I know.. 

You're gonna do what you want to do. But we are all going to tell you that you need to not give her any choices.. 

I know its so a$$ backwards.. You want her to go left so you have to force her to go right.. But right now that is how it is.. Its all about how people think and being in a fog.. Basically her brain is shutting down and any higher thinking doesn't exist..

You can't be afraid to do things.. You need to tell his other mans family and wife or whatever he has..

You need to let your wife know you will not be there for her.. She needs to want to fight to keep you.

Look I sat on my hands begging and crying for my wife to come back.. Dude, I'm a cop/detective in a big city.. I've seen some crazy stuff and been in crazy situations.. I didn't have a fvcking clue what to do.. All I know I didn't want my wife to leave.. I would have sucked the sh1t out of her a$$ to keep her.. 

But what was happening when I was being the doormat at my house this other man was showing his pimp hand and telling my wife its either him or the highway.. 

Well I don't need to tell you what she picked.. My wife in 40 days decided to leave me after 19 years.. She faked reconciliation while still seeing him on the side for another 4 months until I caught on. She was fvcking me and him at the same time. You know how sh1tty that makes me feel.. 

If you think she can't treat you any worse, than just wait.. My Ex before leaving had his picture as a contact picture on her phone.. It would ring and I would see it on the dining room table. She would get the phone and walk into another room to talk to this guy while I was standing there. 

I had to go downstairs and cry in my older brothers bedroom.. Big tough burly cop left in tears crying like a baby.. 

Trust me it can get worse.. 

But look you will have to deal with it in your own way.. I kicked myself in the head later on wishing I would have listened.. There will always be a part of me that feels if I only was tougher she would still be here. Granted I know today this is better off even if I don't want it.. I know the reality behind it now which I didn't see before.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> Yes she is the person I want to be married to. We made a vow, in good times and bad. In sickness and health. She is sick. This is a bad time. She is fighting a lot of things internally and these actions are not of the woman i have known and loved for 10 years


Most of the advice you'll get here is hard earned. Its real life experience with cheating wives and husbands. 

If this post above is your actual attitude, you need to change it fast. It's a recipe for complete disaster. 


The woman you loved is gone. And has been for some time. 

What often is one of the harder parts is realizing who we thought our wayward spouse was is an illusion. 

Most often this illusion will crack, reality sets in and you come to grips with it. For some this takes time, for others its fast. 

Denial is a powerful thing. You can continue to be in denial, or you can face the truth.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> You can always not go through with it.


And, so what if you do?

The only thing necessary for a divorce to end is for the two people to decide they want to remarry.

They need no lawyers, no court, just go fill out the license papers and find a preacher.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> As far as expose, she knows i know, she knows i know who he is. i have confided in her parents and i also believe they are going to intervene. SHe has agreed to go to counseling


Expose and file ASAP

Then step back and see what happens

End this sooner than later

If you are going to lose her then she is already gone

Please Please Please listen to the advice here.

I am not sugesting you D or R just stop the fvcking A

Let the light of truth light it up for everyone to see


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

She is no longer the woman you thought you knew or married. The OM doesn't give a s*** that she is married with a son. These people you are dealing with are not like you and are not thinking like you. Going to talk to the OM's Mom? Really? Stop this kind of thinking-by that I mean that it will not get you anywhere.

I hear all the hurt in your posts. I also never thought my husband was capable of what he did to me and his family. But it happened and now is the time to deal with it. Not coddle her because of her depression. This is just an excuse. She has wrongly brought someone else into your marriage. Worrying about her knowing whether or not you love her is not what you need to be dealing with right now.

Take a hard line with her-and show her that you will not tolerate this from her in your marriage; otherwise she needs to know that she can stay at her sister's.

Take care of yourself right now-one moment at a time. It sucks.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

I am a woman who was recently cheated by the boyfriend. So I know how painful it is and I am also still in the pain struggling every day. His ex who he had sex with posted his profile with his photo and real name on cheaterville.com, where I discovered their horrifying sex activities in the past, and then everything got really ugly. But even to my surprise, I decided to give him a chance because he showed remorse, and to his ex and me on the same email he apologized. (TAM members all told me to break up with him though.) Of course, I cannot forgive him yet, but I decided to come back to him because he kept telling me he was still the best man for me and vowed to make me happier than before. I know it sounds like a crazy statement after what he did to me. But I wanted to see what he meant. I know it will be a long way for recovery and we will not reach the way we were for a long time. But I always have a choice and can make a decision anytime I want. This is not the end of the world. I feel stronger now. 

Now I can calmly ask my boyfrind to do what I want him to do in order to regain trust. He does it with sincerity. 

I have read a few books in order to cope with this pain. One of the books "Surviving an Affair" might be good for you although it wasn't for me because those described situations were quite different from mine. The first couple's story may be helpful for reconciliation. It took a long time for the couple to get back together, but they did. 
Take a look at this site: The Marriage Builders® Bookstore 

I hope this helps.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

awake1 said:


> You're doing a number of things wrong in my opinion.
> 
> First, STOP making excuses for her. You're doing it wrong. There is NO excuse for cheating. There is no "but I was drunk, not thinking straight." There is no "I didn't feel loved." There is no "I was depressed."
> 
> ...


Do this^^^:iagree:


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When she said it has been going on for a couple of months, she is not telling you the truth.

Ask her why she doesn't respect you and you must tell her to have no more contact with the OM or you file for divorce.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Go ahead and tell the guy's mother. Tell her you are bringing your wife over there to live with them she's wishy washy about no contact with him forget that you have better things to do like finding a better replacement.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

OMW is other mans wife as you guessed. WS is Wayward Spouse and BS is Betrayed Spouse.

My wife had an affair. We reconciled. 

So, my first suggestion is, don't bother talking to OM. No good will come from it, and possibly more pain will. If he cared what you thought things would never have got to this point. 

(And I know because I tried that approach too).

Second....you need to accept that you cannot make her stay. It is her choice. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do. 

That doesn't mean it is hopeless, but it does mean that begging, pleading, making excuses for her, or looking for some magic switch, are futile. 

You know the saying. Set her free. If she comes back she is yours. If not, she never was. 

So draw the lines. Pretend you aren't married, pretend you are trying to decide whether to marry her. Work out what you would require and that is what you demand.

And above all, don't take her word on anything, because even if she is a saint ordinarily, she will lie in this circumstance. And as you accept what she has done that is going to hurt you. So start looking for ways to verify what she says, because you are going to need to know whether she has changed and become truthful, or will continue to lie.


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Further to my comments above, I think you two are young and believe there is a hope. Your story reminds me of the couple in the book I mentioned above. I hope your wife will realize her affair wasn't worth anything, but is an illusion.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> I had a thread going in the considering separation area and everyone was telling me it sounded like an affair. I was angry that everyone was so negative ... They didnt know us. i hate them for eing right. As our separation started things just didnt seem to add up. I looked into the phone bill and found an incredible amount of texts and and call to and from one number *starting about a year and a half ago.* I pressed my wife and she admitted to there being this person. she said it was only emotional and that she would never do that to me (be physical with someone) but i still felt cheated. I also started obsessing. I looked at specific times. These texts and calls were going on when we were supposed to be together (birthdays, anniversaries, vacations) I felt so betrayed. Then i looked at a time when i knew she was sending pictures of herself to me, and the same number of pictures were sent to him. I pressed her about having sent nude pictures to him and she confessed. Then I asked again about the physical, she said if she was me she wouldnt want to know the answer... I said I didnt want to but I had to know how far it went. I had to hit bottom if we had a chance of rebuilding. My wife has become overall destructive in her life. *I found a letter she wrote to herself over a year and a half ago talking about how sad she is*. I truly believe she thinks she doesnt deserve good things and is acting is ways she believes will have them taken from her. She says she only started having sex with him in the last couple months. It is a guys that used to work for her company, low level, he knows she is married and has a son, but obviously doesnt care. I have found out who he is and what he looks like... a complete tool.


Bolded pieces, same dates.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, I know the advice on here may seem counter intuitive, but if you truly want your best shot at ending this BS once and for all and reconciling... then you must take strong actions. 

She is jerking you around and you are finding excuses for her. Stop it, you are enabling her behavior and you don't even realize it. 

Take strong decisive actions. 
Show her you are a man to be respected and desired.

Being a nice door mat is not appealing.

You can do this.

Get checked for STDs
Do a hard 180.
Speak to a lawyer
Take care of your finances
Expose him to whoever you can, cheaterville list his butt.
Go dark on her. Leave her hanging in limbo for a time. She'll either come running back or you'll know that it is best to put this marriage in your past.

Good luck
WD


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

if you were n't in love with her, and based on her behavior over the last couple years, you'd probably want to keep her away from both you AND your son. Don't let your emotions overwhelm your better judgement


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> My wife has become overall destructive in her life. I found a letter she wrote to herself over a year and a half ago talking about how sad she is. I truly believe she thinks she doesnt deserve good things and is acting is ways she believes will have them taken from her.


 Boy does she have you conned. She has you feeling bad for her and making excuses for her cheating. She is playing you the fool.



CrushedAndNumb said:


> We love each other.


 Do you really think that she loves you when she leaves and goes over to have sex with the other man, knowing that this is tearing you apart? 



CrushedAndNumb said:


> She has agreed to see a counselor, says she needs to to help her decide what she is going to do. Then she also says its not about him but wont end it until she talks to someone.


 There is no sense in seeing a counselor if she is still seeing and f**king the other man. Cheaters love counseling when it can be used to let them cake eat longer. She is playing you the fool. Her telling you that she needs time to decide, is her telling you that she wants to cake eat and continue to have sex with her lover, because in the end all she cares about is what she wants. If she loved you, your feelings would matter to her, but they do not.

First, I am not sure why you even would want to save this marraige. Most cheaters act remorseful when caught, and have the decency to at least pretend to have stopped seeing their affair partners. Your wife has so little respect for you that she has shown no remorse and openly has sex with the other man. Second, the best odds at saving a marriage is to be willing to end the marriage if your spouse does not show true remorse, agree to full no contact with the affair partner, agree to full transpancy with all passwords without complaint, and agree to work to earn the gift of reconciliation. Without respect and remorse, there can be no true conciliation. You cannot nice your way out of this.

You have been given good advice here on the boards, but you have ignored following it every step of the way. File for divorce and mean it. You can always stop the divorce if she does the work to earn the right to a second chance. So far she has not even taken the first step towards working to earn a second chance.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Post OM on cheaterville.com and even consider reddit too.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

OP,
You have been given very good advice; *are you going to do any of them?*

If you are serious about getting advice from the experienced then you will take some of the advice that has been given you.

At this point I would add the advice of you working diligently on becoming as self reliant as you can. If you get stronger and more self reliant then you will be in much better shape to handle whichever way your wife decides to go.

In the end you are responsible for your emotional and physical life. *You cannot depend on her to keep your life in balance. Look what she has done to you already; Crushedandnumb…..falling apart!*

I am all for reconciliation but right now there is no chance of your wife being a true partner in a real R and being the wife and mother that you want. You need to take action that will bring some respect back to you and you get you prepared for R or D.

*If you take some actions that have been suggested then you will have a much better chance of your wife being jolted out of her fog or you will find out if she is going to continue to disrespect you or see you as a wimp doormat.*


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

CrushedAndNumb said:


> if its other man's wife, there isnt one


Yes Other Man's Wife, Wayward Spouse, Betrayed Spouse. There are lots more. Here's a link: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72364-abbreviations.html 

CrushedAndNumb, I have many friends who had depression down the years but none of them had an affair. WS use any excuse they can think of. Was she down and out and grumpy when she was hanging out with OM? Doubt it. 

I can tell how sad and broken you are. The advice here is great. It got things moving along for me because I did all the wrong things after D-day (discovery day). 

Which brings me to this. Posters are saying that you are not taking advice and letting her walk all over you. I did the same. However as soon as I started acting on TAM advice, ALL that changed, literally overnight when I said if he did not tell me the truth of what happened I was going to divorce him. Finally after 4 long years he began to tell me the truth, only bits and pieces (it's called trickle truth) for now but I WILL get the rest out of him. 
You have to sound as if you mean it even if you don't. 
If she can't make up her mind between you and another man or she takes a while to do it you will feel even more crushed. She's in what TAMMERS call 'the fog' which is the headspace they are in when having an affair. 
Wake her up! 
Bring her to her senses! 
Stand up for yourself and do not let ANYONE, least of all your wife, treat you this way.


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