# Wife cheated. Need help figuring things out.



## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

This is a long story so I will try to condense it. We have been married for 3 years and together almost 8. There were some issues when we had been together for about a year and a half. She had sent some naked photos to a coworker. We worked it out and I stayed with her because I love her and forgave her. She also informed me that the first time she had sex was with the guy she was babysitting for. He took her out somewhere and they had sex. She told him later that she wasn't ready but he thought she was. 

Fast forward to today. I found out last week that she has been talking with that same guy through text and calls almost everyday while she is at work since January. She initially wouldn't admit that anything happened although she admitted that they met up. The truth trickled out through the next few days and she admitted they had sex once a few months ago. Then, she decided to admit that they also had a brief affair 4 years ago. He was at the house we rented twice and they had sex once. 

I found out when the other guys wife told me. Apparently she found out 2 months ago and thought they ended it then. She even told my wife she needed to tell me. Well they didn't stop talking and she never told me. The other wife found out when the other guy accidentally texted her "meet me" when it was intended for my wife. After this, they still talked the rest of that week then I found out the next Monday. 

There are more details but that is the synopsis. What do I do? She says she didn't live him but told his wife that she did. She keeps saying that he organized the meetings and he would contact her first. Phone records show that's not the case. She has scheduled counseling for herself. She says she has a hard time saying no to people. I don't get it. Not sure what to do. I really do love her but had I found out about the incident 4 years ago when we were engaged I wouldn't have married her. There have been no issues with our relationship and she even said that to me. I really don't understand. Am I being played or do I try to work it out. I know things will never be the same and I don't even want to see her right now. Help. Thanks.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Any kids?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Saxon04 said:


> This is a long story so I will try to condense it. We have been married for 3 years and together almost 8. There were some issues when we had been together for about a year and a half. She had sent some naked photos to a coworker. We worked it out and I stayed with her because I love her and forgave her. She also informed me that the first time she had sex was with the guy she was babysitting for. He took her out somewhere and they had sex. She told him later that she wasn't ready but he thought she was.
> 
> Fast forward to today. I found out last week that she has been talking with that same guy through text and calls almost everyday while she is at work since January. She initially wouldn't admit that anything happened although she admitted that they met up. The truth trickled out through the next few days and she admitted they had sex once a few months ago. Then, she decided to admit that they also had a brief affair 4 years ago. He was at the house we rented twice and they had sex once.
> 
> ...


You were duped into marrying someone incapable of either fidelity or monogamy, and it's time to correct that. Honestly, this (the part in bold) is the only thing that really matters. 

If you want to keep going though, you don't have to go too far to work out the fact that she's a serial cheater. And she's never going to stop cheating.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

No kids.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Saxon04 said:


> No kids.


You lucky bastard.

File for divorce ASAP.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

End it. Talk to a lawyer now.

Whatever you do, don't have sex with her. If she comes onto you after you tell her about the divorce, she's trying to get pregnant and trap you in 18 years of child support.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Saxon04 said:


> This is a long story so I will try to condense it. We have been married for 3 years and together almost 8. There were some issues when we had been together for about a year and a half. She had sent some naked photos to a coworker. We worked it out and I stayed with her because I love her and forgave her. She also informed me that the first time she had sex was with the guy she was babysitting for. He took her out somewhere and they had sex. She told him later that she wasn't ready but he thought she was.
> 
> Fast forward to today. I found out last week that she has been talking with that same guy through text and calls almost everyday while she is at work since January. She initially wouldn't admit that anything happened although she admitted that they met up. The truth trickled out through the next few days and she admitted they had sex once a few months ago. Then, she decided to admit that they also had a brief affair 4 years ago. He was at the house we rented twice and they had sex once.
> 
> ...



You need to divorce her based on this lame @ss excuse alone, SMH.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Sorry you are here. If there are no children, then I think you just won the lottery and should walk away before she hurts you further.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie, hide deny. Even with OM's wife finding out didn't stop her.

This is your future life with her. Never ending.

Her not being able to tell anyone no is your excuse for trying to justify her actions.

There is no justification for this. You are only kidding yourself.

Is this what you want out of your life?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

I agree you need to run!
She didn't even just cheat once she cheated multiple times! For years. And she doesn't even love you enough to be honest with you. She doesn't even seem guilty. She will never change. She lied over and over and I don't see her changing


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
There is really nothing here to save. You mean very little to her. Regarding the advice to D her, I wholeheartedly concur. Find an honest woman with some integrity and you will know real happiness.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Go tell her BF to relate to her that you are divorcing her immediately, and have her clothes all packed outside nice and neat for her!

Lose her sorry, ungrateful a$$! You deserve far better out of life!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't see a reconciliation in the cards, sorry man. 

This seems kinda like a lifestyle choice. 

Stop talking to her and start talking to a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I recommend meeting the OM wife and see how much she is saying is true and not... And I would tell your wife that you are doing that so she knows that you are tired of her games...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tell her you want to divorce. See if she has a hard time saying no to YOU or just other men.


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

Xenote said:


> I recommend meeting the OM wife and see how much she is saying is true and not... And I would tell your wife that you are doing that so she knows that you are tired of her games...


I did. Thats where the trickling of truth happened. She told me she wanted to tell me everything then I found out the next day from OM wife that she hadn't. I questioned her and she admitted to more things.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Saxon,

If I understand the timeline correctly, she started cheating with OM shortly before you got married, may have continued contact during your marriage, and just now got caught.

So for your entire marriage she has been cheating on you and lying to you.

Get a polygraph to pull out the entire truth then divorce her. Expose to everyone who matters in her life.

Tamat


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Saxon

Your WW acts like someone that was sexually abused at a young age.

Has she indicated any abuse in her past history?

How old was she when the babysitting episode occurred?

I understand everyone telling you to walk away, to divorce her.

The choice is always yours.

But you should encourage your W to get professional counseling.

She needs it.

HM


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

happyman64 said:


> Saxon
> 
> Your WW acts like someone that was sexually abused at a young age.
> 
> ...


Not indicating any abuse at all. Just stated that he took her somewhere to have sex and she didn't know that was going to happen. Said she felt trapped. Thing is she had sex with him a couple more times during that same period. Then again 4 years ago and again this year.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

You are being handled a bail out card, take it!! If you have kids at some point w her she'll really think u are stuck and probably cheat even more. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> You are being handled a bail out card, take it!! If you have kids at some point w her she'll really think u are stuck and probably cheat even more. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't tell her just file and if she works serve her there she deserves the extra shame.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

She is feeding you a line of crap, not knowing they were going to have sex, feeling trapped and slept with him more than once and texting him. Sorry but if I was put in that position I would be giving my husband his number or telling my husband where he wanted to meet, so that he could meet him instead. 

She is playing you for all it is worth, and she can't be honest or keep her story straight. You have no kids I would be telling her to hit the curb.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

hate to say to Saxon, but she is treating you like a cuckold husband...keeping you in the dark for self preservation....and still not wanting it to end in her heart and head.....if you think it is over with her in the future if you stay with her you are seriously wrong.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Dude, this may hurt but the sooner you get her out of your life the sooner it will improve.

You'll never trust her again and at this point it's just a matter of filing for the divorce.

If you accept her after this, she'll think you're a sucker.

She got caught, remember that. And then she trickle truthed you. Ask yourself if that's remorseful?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I can confidently say your wife is a manipulative liar. She is an Adult and owns her choices. She didn't know sex was going to happen with her employer is BS. Just like the BS she is dribbling out now about the other man pursuing her.

Even if he did. So what. She didn't have to open her legs for him. She did that she owns that and she has you bordering on believing her fairytale of lies. Man up do a 180 on her.

Im really sorry that i have come on strong but having recently been through this heartache myself i feel your pain.

Believe me there is no nicing her out of this and only strong consequences for her actions will reinforce your point that this type of behavour wont be tolerated.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you are Plan B. Your wife was a mistress of Another Man who did not want to divorce his wife. They continued their affair before and during your marriage. She is continuing to lie to you. She has not stopped even after you have caught her. This is a hopeless situation. She loves this other man and not you.

See an attorney and get out of this marriage. You deserve a better life than what you have. Sorry you are here.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am so very sorry for all of this. Keep reading this forum for some very good advice.

Make sure you keep eating, sleeping, working out etc. 

Don't leave the marital home. She lied & cheated = she goes.

Good luck.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> OP, you are Plan B. Your wife was a mistress of Another Man who did not want to divorce his wife. They continued their affair before and during your marriage.


Yep, that's my take on the situation. I'd guess she'd been doing the other guy for the last five years on a regular basis. (most likely weekly of bi-weekly with maybe a few dry periods when the heat was on one of them) That's the way these things usually work and can go on for years if one or both don't get careless. Apparently her FB was more careless than her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Saxon04 said:


> She says she has a hard time saying no to people.


 Well then let me tell you that you should never let her go to a bar or party by herself if she can't say no to people. 

 You got handed a load of Shineola and if your smart you'll unload her her ASAP and move on.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed she would not put up with such humiliation and disrespect that she has shown you? She has played you for an absolute fool and continues to do so. She has put your health at risk for STD's as well.

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer at once.

She clearly has very little respect for you or your marriage. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

She has a hard time saying no to everyone but you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Saxon04 said:


> No kids.


File for divorce. Honestly, why go through life like this?


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

The fact that she pursues the meet is what concerns me more than anything. If it were true that he pursued her and she couldn't control herself, then maybe there's something to work with, but she initiates meets. She's thinking of him sexually and proactively. It's not like she was just drunk with him one time, he made his advance, and she "oops" had a one-time thing. This is a proactive side-relationship.

I'm a little confused. Does she still work with this guy?
Has she shown any remorse? Has she begged for forgiveness? If the answer is NO then I have to agree, get divorced now and save yourself a lifetime of heartache which may ultimately end eventually anyway.

I hate to be the guy that gives false hope or advice on working it out when everyone is piling on for you to divorce, but IF you want to attempt to work things out, the only way I see this working is:
A) She has to break all contact with him permanently and for good. No exceptions. He's dead to her. You're her husband and she's not allowed to have boyfriends. That's how it is in a marriage.
B) Transparency. She has to hand over passwords so you can monitor her email, facebook, and text messaging. She may try to find other ways to hide contact but make it clear that if she does, that's the end.
There really is no room for compromise here. You don't trust her, she needs to know that, and if she loves you and wants to stay with you, she has to step up and show it. Otherwise if she doesn't agree to these ultimatums, she shows her hand and how she really feels (or doesn't) about you.
It's slightly possible she'll go for it. If she really can't control herself, maybe she wants you to monitor her.

On a constructive side, have a sit down with her and find out why she feels compelled to cheat. You said she just can't control herself. Is she just unable to have a monogamous relationship? If so, end it. Is there something she's unhappy with with you and can that be fixed? Is there something you can do with your sex life to make things more interesting to her so she's satisfied with just you?
Find out if there's anything the two of you can do to get her to stop. Ask her straight up if she really loves you and wants to be married.

I don't know, I'm not totally seeing the picture here. I understand it hurts to leave but I've dated lying cheating women before and it was never pretty. Thankfully I made sure to not marry one.
You're probably better off getting out now but I don't know what things are really like with you two, so you have to make that call.

Send me PM if you want to talk more. Maybe I can be an sympathetic ear.

Sorry about the whole thing. This sucks.


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

Thank you all for your help. Just to clarify, she doesn't work for the guy. She did 8 years ago for a period as his babysitter. She does not work with him and would have no reason to see him now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What does that matter Saxon....honestly the most important question that you need to face is What are you going to do?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Saxon04 said:


> She also informed me that the first time she had sex was with the guy she was babysitting for. He took her somewhere to have sex and she didn't know that was going to happen. Said she felt trapped. Thing is she had sex with him a couple more times during that same period. Then again 4 years ago and again this year.


This guy took her virginity and never stopped having sex with her. He has been there during your entire relationship. She has two husbands. Take one of them away.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So where's your head at, @Saxon04?

Are you leaning toward reconciliation or divorce?

What does she want? Or, rather, what is she _saying_ she wants?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

File, the longer you stay married the more she will take from you in the divorce. Go find someone who understands what loyalty means.


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

She is trying to save the marriage. I honestly don't know if I can get over it. She says that she didn't think when this was happening. Said she didn't think about the consequences. She also said he has some power over her being that her first time was with him. I don't thinknow she understands the severity of this.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Saxon04 said:


> Not indicating any abuse at all. Just stated that *he took her somewhere to have sex *and she didn't know that was going to happen. Said she felt trapped. Thing is *she had sex with him a couple more times *during that same period. *Then again 4 years ago and again this year*.


You really believe it only happened 4 and 1 years ago?
She's been his side piece for a longer time than you've been together. He took her virginity and she feels like her body belongs to him. She's even admitted that she can't say no to him. He hints at a meet, and she runs. The only reason she's not with him, is because he doesn't want her full-time. But he could snatch her from you at the drop of a hat.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If she REALLY wants to save the marriage, and this guy REALLY manipulated her, then she should have NO PROBLEM having him brought up for SEXUAL ASSAULT charges!

See how she reacts to that suggestion!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Saxon04 said:


> She is trying to save the marriage. I honestly don't know if I can get over it. She says that she didn't think when this was happening. Said she didn't think about the consequences. *She also said he has some power over her being that her first time was with him.* I don't thinknow she understands the severity of this.


Jeeez..do you know what that power is? Sorry to be blunt but his power is - *SHE WANTS HIM MORE THAN SHE WANTS YOU PERIOD.*...You are Mr. Plan B - always have been always will be - is that how little respect you have for yourself that you want to live that way? You have been given a lot of good advice here - LISTEN to the good folks - divorce her sorry a** - get into counseling - and move on with a normal woman - your wife is hooked on the OM - for YEARS now..I hate to say this but it is the truth - she belongs to HIM and NOT to you...you need to digest that and proceed to cut her out of your life...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

F-102 said:


> If she REALLY wants to save the marriage, and this guy REALLY manipulated her, then she should have NO PROBLEM having him brought up for SEXUAL ASSAULT charges!
> 
> See how she reacts to that suggestion!


What she really wants is the OM....that is obvious...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Popcorn2015 said:


> End it. Talk to a lawyer now.
> 
> Whatever you do, don't have sex with her. If she comes onto you after you tell her about the divorce, she's trying to get pregnant and trap you in 18 years of child support.


Also if you have sex with an adulterous spouse legally speaking that is "resetting the clock" and means that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce as the court considers that means you forgrave them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Saxon04 said:


> Not indicating any abuse at all. Just stated that he took her somewhere to have sex and she didn't know that was going to happen. Said she felt trapped. Thing is she had sex with him a couple more times during that same period. Then again 4 years ago and again this year.


That sounds like rape under some legal definitions.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

jsmart said:


> *You really believe it only happened 4 and 1 years ago?*
> She's been his side piece for a longer time than you've been together. He took her virginity and she feels like her body belongs to him. She's even admitted that she can't say no to him. He hints at a meet, and she runs. The only reason she's not with him, is because he doesn't want her full-time. But he could snatch her from you at the drop of a hat.


Agreed to this as well..she has bee having sex with him regularly for years and I bet it was in your house more than once and she has not stopped having sex with him since he took her virginity - how is that for disrespect? She has zero respect for you...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Exactly how old was she when her first time happened as a baby sitter?


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I'd like to take a different perspective here. Let's assume the following:
1) He is the only other man she's had extramarital relations with.
2) She really wants to save the marriage.
3) You want to save the marriage.
4) Aside from this affair, you can trust her to not cheat with other men going forward.

I might suggest she see a therapist (alone) to work through her issues about this guy. Take it form the standpoint that's she's somehow a victim in this with him and that's messed her up in the head. As the husband that loves her and wants what's best for her, you could choose to support this therapy. At least do a session or two and see if there's anything there she can work through.

I don't mean to condone or excuse the behavior and it's hard for me to get a picture of what your relationship is actually like and for all we know this is something. But I can understand how someone in her position might have some compulsion that we can't understand (the power.)
As for what she tells you, cheating spouses find it very difficult to come clean so she's fed you some bull**** along the way. Maybe that means she feels guilty and really doesn't want to lose you and she's afraid coming clean will lose you.

Also, man up if you have to and let the guy know he has to stop contacting her or you're going to bring allegations of sexual abuse with a minor. That may strike the fear of God into him.

If she resists, cut her lose. If she really does want to reconcile, she'll go along with just about anything you suggest.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Dump her. You are not even plan B. You are a security blanket. You are not her parents. Those should be her security blanket after you dump her. OM will not pick her up. He will just keep using her. Don't allow to be used by her any longer.

You need someone better. She will always be other woman material.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

No no no no no...

Here's my issue. I can understand getting passed an affair. Even a long one or a repeat one. The part that makes this different in my view is that she was caught by the OM's wife. They spoke to each other. She told her that she was in love with her husband. OM's wife told her to tell you and she didn't, even knowing that she could call you herself and tell you at any time. Then she STILL continued to see him.

No no no no no. I think for most people, if they find themselves in a sexual affair, a fling, just for fun with no intensely loving feelings, they would count their lucky stars if the affair partner's spouse found out first, and DIDN'T tell their spouse. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but if they are a cheater, the opportunity to get caught by someone else and NOT get busted by your spouse would be an easy "Whew! Dodged that bullet" moment to pause and think hard about everything, and how close they came to destroying their marriage, and how obviously stupid it would be to try to continue the affair. She didn't. She continued it. I don't believe for a second that you wife didn't really care for him, that it was just sex.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Saxon04 said:


> She says she has a hard time saying no to people.


How easy was it for her to say no to you through the years?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, how old are you and your wife? Do you have any children together? Does she work?


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> OP, how old are you and your wife. Do you have any children together? Does she work?


I am almost 30 and she is 27. She works about 32 hours a week. No kids.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Best to rip the bandaid off now while it's relatively easy to do so.

Your real true love is still out there somewhere waiting to meet you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She married you under false pretenses.
If he has power over her, then you cannot be married to her.
You did not contribute to the affair... Therefore there is nothing there are no steps anyone can take to prevent this from happening in the future.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, she was 19-20 when this happened. How old is the guy?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So she was 18 - 19 years old when she first had sex with him. How old was she when she experienced sex? Hard questions that need answers because you have a hard choice to make.

You need to her to know how serious this is by doing the 180(all converstation is stoic and diplomantic) and do not allow physical contact with you. Read about transparency and signs of true remorse.


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## Saxon04 (Nov 11, 2015)

JohnA said:


> So she was 18 - 19 years old when she first had sex with him. How old was she when she experienced sex? Hard questions that need answers because you have a hard choice to make.
> 
> You need to her to know how serious this is by doing the 180(all converstation is stoic and diplomantic) and do not allow physical contact with you. Read about transparency and signs of true remorse.


That was her first experience. He is mid 30's now.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Interesting, you are much closer in age than I thought.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you saying this guy had sex with her when she was a teenager? If so, I agree with this post. Men seducing teenagers can do a real number on them and mess them up but good. If this is the case, she needs REAL THERAPY to work through what happened and why it's still happening.


JamesTKirk said:


> I'd like to take a different perspective here. Let's assume the following:
> 1) He is the only other man she's had extramarital relations with.
> 2) She really wants to save the marriage.
> 3) You want to save the marriage.
> ...


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Her FOO issues are just that. HERS.

No kids. GTFO! Don't try to be a Martyr. 

You can't fix or save her from her issues. 

You married. She cheats repeatedly. You divorce.

It's that simple. You have been given a lifeline.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I'm still not gonna get on the divorce her immediately train. After all this is a marriage discussion forum where people often look for ways to fix or improve their marriage, not end it.
I do agree that habitual cheaters basically don't change and this is a long ongoing deception. But it is also with one specific man. If she was out having flings and one-nighters with multiple or various men, then I'd agree that you should divorce because that won't change. She'll have a lapse of judgement or weak moment and cheat again. That is especially if your sex life with her isn't good. I would be livid if my wife was holding back sex with me (to any degree) but out screwing someone else. But if you take this one guy out of the picture, that might be all you need to move forward IF you can forgive and move on.

But you two apparently love each other. I guess the question is how much does she love you and that becomes obvious if you try to "fix" this. She either wants to fix it in which case she'll do anything to fix it, or she'll make excuses, not go along with ideas. She has to break it off contact with him permanently, forever, otherwise she isn't committed to you. If any solution includes any contact with him, then she doesn't really want to save the marriage. That has to be clear to her and has to agree and WANT to break it off with him.
So that's step one.

Then you need to get her to give you the no bull**** answer as to what's not fulfilling in your relationship and how that can be fixed and see if you have anything to work with, assuming there is any problem you can fix. It's time to get serious about conversations about your relationship.

Consider a little therapy like I said before. It may give her clarity as to why she feels how she does about the two of you. Heck, she might even figure out that she shouldn't stay with you which would hurt, but at least you don't get strung along and can go find true happiness with someone else.

I wouldn't be too hesitant to get a divorce if you see signs that this won't get better. But I also think there's due diligence you can do to determine whether it's worth saving or not.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If he still has power over her then she wants you to be a cuckold. Is that what you want? To serve the same master as her?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Saxon04 said:


> She is trying to save the marriage.


What marriage? You and the OM are both friends with benefits. She just shares the rent with you. The OM gets it for free.



Saxon04 said:


> I am almost 30 and she is 27. She works about 32 hours a week. No kids.


RUN!!!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Saxon04 said:


> This is a long story so I will try to condense it. We have been married for 3 years and together almost 8. There were some issues when we had been together for about a year and a half. She had sent some naked photos to a coworker.


This I what I WISHED I had read:

*"This is a short story so no need to condense it. We dated almost 8 years ago. There were some issues when we had been together for about a year and a half. She had sent some naked photos to a coworker so I dumped her immediately. The End."*

TAM, when someone takes back a cheater and they cheat again is the BS accountable in any way? Couldn't you call this willful negligence and reckless disregard of your own life if you decide to later marry this person?!? Does fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, apply here? Married with kids is one thing but this happened during the courting phase.

No kids and under 30? FVCKING BAIL. You have your whole life ahead of you to start over. Don't be a love struck idiot. She has no respect for you at all. Nothing she could say or do should change your mind. NOTHING. She had disrespected you and emasculated you in the worst way. She's damaged goods. Go back to the store and replace her with a newer model.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

I am only going to say this once. She tells you she did not love the other man. But the other man's wife says otherwise. Neither matter because she did not love you enough to not go outside the marriage.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Augusto said:


> I am only going to say this once. She tells you she did not love the other man. But the other man's wife says otherwise. Neither matter because she did not love you enough to not go outside the marriage.


Good point.

OP - Follow the logic chain:

Why would she fvck the OM repeatedly?

a) She loves him; AND/OR

b) He gives her better sex than you.

Does it make sense that she would not love him and he was horrible in bed? NO. Is one more palatable than the other? I don't think so and at worse it's both. So pick your poison. What difference does it make? The result is the same. She cared less about you than sex with him. That was her priority. Fact.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You dont fight for your "wife". You talk with lawyers and serve her with Divorce papers. Then my friend you go and fight/search for another wife who will respect you and love you.

Sorry to say this,but you have a roommate not wife.

No kids it is even better. Just run. You are still young so why waste years and tears on her !!!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

F-102 said:


> If she REALLY wants to save the marriage, and this guy REALLY manipulated her, then she should have NO PROBLEM having him brought up for SEXUAL ASSAULT charges!
> 
> See how she reacts to that suggestion!


He may deserve to be outed, and deserves an azz kicking, but nobody deserves a false sexual assault or rape allegation that would destroy their life. To even suggest this to her leaves her an "out" where she throws this guy under the bus and destroys his life just to save her own azz and "reputation". Seen it too many times during a career in law enforcement. Tooany women seem more than ready to do so if it will save their own bacon. 

She knew full what she was doing, no matter how much she wants to try and balme shift now. Time for her to own up to her actions, and the consequences thereof. Walking papers....sooner rather than later.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

donny64 said:


> He may deserve to be outed, and deserves an azz kicking, but nobody deserves a false sexual assault or rape allegation that would destroy their life. To even suggest this to her leaves her an "out" where she throws this guy under the bus and destroys his life just to save her own azz and "reputation".


This is F1's point. 
It is why he said this:


> See how she reacts to that suggestion!


 At least on this board, quite a few have changed their stories when husbands have asked them to file or make the suggestion.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Got it. Still wouldn't put the idea in her head. Desperate people do desperate things.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

donny64 said:


> Desperate people do desperate things.


Oops, I mixed threads, I see what you mean.


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Your story reminds me of me early in my marriage. 3 kids and several rugsweeps later I've finally come to my senses, but the pain and cost of allowing it for so long is immense. Your wife, like mine, is broken. You don't have kids. You're young. Get out man. It sucks and it hurts like hell but trust me when I say that someone that broken will never be fixed. Maybe temporarily for a couple years, but it will come back. It definitely will. What do you think will happen in ten years when your marriage is getting a bit stale, and she's craving the new love feeling? She will cheat. Again and again. I am certain of this. I fell for the sob stories, the commitments to seek counseling, etc. several times. Don't do it. Divorce her.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I realize it's probably not what you want to hear, but I agree with most of the others....no kids, count your blessings, be thankful you found out now instead of later, and "next" her azz.

I'm all for giving someone a second chance if they've made a "mistake". A one time thing, or even a short duration one time affair under some circumstances. But your W is beyond help, IMO. She has cheated a couple times (no matter it was with the same dude, the affair was started and ended twice). And what did she do after the first time? Think to herself "damn, what was I thinking. I got caught up in a fog, but now I'm out, I feel like crap about it, and will NEVER do that again". Nope, she repeated the behavior. This is why serial cheats are so bad. Their only fear is getting caught. Not because they fear hurting you, but because it would end their "cake eater" lifestyle. They fear not hurting you, otherwise they'd NEVER do it again once their head cleared. 

Remorseful people do not commit the same act again and again. Unremorseful people do...but they just get better at hiding it. 

Right now this guy has some kind of "hold" on her brain. The next time, some other guy whispering sweet nothings in her ear, telling her how beautiful she is, how exciting she is, etc., will have a "hold" on her.

Three times in 8 years? What the hell is she going to do in the next 10 years?

I don't necessarily buy into this thing when people say "I only want sex with you". Nope...I see attractive women every day I'd love to have sex with (and have even had the opportunity). The thing is, strong people make the commitment, and STICK TO IT, no matter the desire or influence. Your W has demonstrated she is weak when it comes to matters of YOUR HEART. This type of woman, in my experience, is the same type that will use your children to beat you over the head with and do her damn best to keep them from you if you "cross her" by leaving her or if the marriage breaks up. 

Think about that. This is not just about how she hurt you with her infidelity. It is about how what she wants comes first, without regard to if it will hurt you (or anyone else she claims to love) or not. HUGE red flag with someone who could potentially be the mother of your children one day. HUGE. 

Cheated on you a year into the relationship? And again in year four? And AGAIN in year eight? And those are just the ones you know about!!! 

Do not have kids with this woman, and make damn sure if you do have sex with her ever again, you use a condom. YOU must take control of birth control from here on out. She sees the writing on the wall....she's about to be dumped. Don't think for a second she won't suddenly "forget a pill or two" and wind up pregnant in order to (in her mind) "save the marriage". In her mind, SHE comes first. Don't forget that. 

I'd be running like the wind. And looking for a hottie's shoulder to cry on if that's what I needed.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Saxon,

You mentioned this was probably a deal breaker for you. You need to let us know if it is or not. The advice will vary pretty significantly depending on what you want.

By 'what you want' I specifically mean would you be open to reconciliation. Of course, being open to reconciliation doesn't mean there is a great chance that it will (this, and the subsequent lying are pretty big) end well.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Saxon
Your wife has had sex with another man many times and for years. You have no children and you had to find out about her betrayal without her being honest. In fact, she even held back from being honest and tried to keep you in the dark when you knew part of the story.

I realize that you have not had a long time to absorb this but *you really know that you cannot make this marriage a good one don’t you? *Your wife has proven for years that you are not number one and has rejected you and replaced you several times. Your wife now has a lot of baggage to go along with the baggage that she had before you married her. *Do you really think that you are strong enough to build yourself back up and her also?*

I am sure your wife has some good points and is not all bad. However,* this will boil down to your well-being which is more important than your wanting to spare your emotional pain.* You can stay with her and try to make your marriage a good one or you can face your hard decisions and do what will give you a far better chance at a good life than you trying to be a hero and save her. 

The only reason that you would stay with this woman is that you are way too co-dependent on her and you need to get a lot more self-sufficient. No man with a healthy self-esteem is going to allow a woman to make such a mockery of him by having sex with another man many times and for many years. If this was a onetime affair that did not last years and you had children then I could see how an R could be possible. Everyone has their line that cannot be crossed so you will have to decide where your line is. Some people will not allow one betrayal, some will allow a few betrayals, and some are just so pathetic that they will allow a person to treat them like a door mat for years and years.

Bottom line on your situation is that the chances of you having a good marriage with this woman are slim to none and slim may have left the building. *If you tolerate this gross abuse that has happened many times for years then you are very weak and refuse to take actions to get strong enough to be more self-sufficient. You will have to settle for being a door mat!* IMO


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP sorry for the spot you are in. You were duped all the way around by your wife.

Just FWIW, she is certainly old enough to understand what she has done to you and her marriage.

Stop having unprotected sex with her- do not get her pregnant.
No kids, she has a job- easy- GTFO now.

See a lawyer and doctor.

You are still young- you do not need a lifetime of this BS. 

You also don't need to raise another man's baby because she couldn't say no. 

You also don't need routine STD screening because she can't say no.

You also don't need to bring child into something this unhealthy, even if by chance you are actually the biological father. 

WD


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