# Conflict between my husband and my dad...



## BRB

Two nights ago my husband called my dad and completely lost his temper at my dad. He told me dad that he wanted to divorce me (we are not) and he went on to say a lot of nasty things to my dad about me.

My husband has apologized to me for doing this. He said he was having a bad day, my dad snapped at him, and then my husband just went off. I'm stuck in the middle. I don't think my husband should have flown of the handle like that, but when I tell him that he says that I don't have his back and that I'm a Daddy's girl.

Here's some background: We've been married 13 years. My dad and my husband have become really close friends. I'm of Indian descent and my husband is American. My dad is old school Indian and he is a typical Type A personality. My husband and him are so much alike. Tempermental, sensitive, etc. I am more passive. I don't like conflict and I typically let something go in one ear and out the other. My dad is moody and snaps at us sometimes, but we let it go because that's just the way it is. My husband couldn't take it any longer and just snapped the other night.

The fact that he told my dad that he wanted to end our marriage is the most troubling part. It hurts me that he would say that, but now he says he would never leave me. 

Now, I'm stuck in the middle. I'm an only child and my husband doesn't understand my attachment to my dad. I'm not attached to him, but he is my father. My husband says that we don't need him and we don't, but I just can't cut off my dad.

On a side note: My husband has cut all ties with his family. He doesn't communicate with them at all.

Any advice would be helpful. thanks!


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## Starling

So, he wants you to cut off your dad? Why? Just because he did the same? Does he view your father as a threat?

Not only does he blame your father's response for speaking derogatorily about you, he goes on to defend himself even further by claiming you're being a "Daddy's girl" when you find his behavior unacceptable. 

Passivity and aversion to confrontation may be your thing, and can work in some instances. Unfortunately, it won't with this one. You are going to have to stand your ground. This isn't about taking sides. This is about adult behavior, and let's face it - what your husband did is out of line.

If rational discussion will work with him, sit him down, and calmly express your feelings. Do not let him invalidate your concerns with excuses - "He instigated it," "You just feel that way because he's your father," etc.

He may benefit from anger management if all else fails.


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## reachingshore

If there isn't a question of you putting your father over your husband, then I'd say this is none of your business what is going on between them.

Tell them both that you view this as a conflict between two men and you have nothing to do with this so you will not get involved. Tell them both not to involve you in their conflict either.

And really do not get involved.


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## BRB

Things are pretty much over with my dad and husband. My husband has called several times to apologize to my dad and he's not having any of it. My dad feels hurt and insulted. He feels he treated my husband as a son and now he's being ungrateful.

My husband on the other hand feels that he shouldn't be crucified for losing his temper one time and going off when my dad does it much more often and gets away with it.

My dad has reached out to me and told me to call him if I need anything, but he doesn't ever want to see my husband again.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Do you think time will heal things or is this really a done deal? They are both so much alike, but my husband is sincerely trying and acknowledges that he crossed the line.

Advice please. I never imagined this type of conflict.


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## Married&Confused

Sounds like you have an a-hole for a husband and an a-hole for a father.

While it's hard to do, you have to show them both the love and respect they deserve in their different roles. You can't let either of them put you in the middle.

Future discussions regarding the issue should be between your husband and father. If one complains to you, shut them down immediately and say "This is between you two. Please work it out between yourselves."

Having said that, what's with this statement: "he says that I don't have his back"? Have you not stood up for him at the appropriate times?


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## BRB

It took a long time for my dad to accept my husband, once he did they were inseperable. My dad would call my house and if I picked up the phone he would immediately ask to talk to "Bob". They were very close and "Bob" has done a lot for my dad. Cooking when we visit, dropping everything to go help him when he had a computer problem, etc (he lives an 1 1/2 away). My husband would drop everything for him, while I on the other hand would say "No, we don't need to run down there every time he calls". 

This is where is starts building up. Only now, my husband is saying that my dad has picked on him over the years and he held it all in for the sake of our relationship. Then he just exploded. 

My husband and I have opposite personalities. He is very passionate, emotional, and tempermental, while I am more calm, laid-back and unconfrontational. If someone says something negative about me, my husband will go off. I've seen it. If something is said about him, I handle it more calmly. But, yes I do feel I have his back and handle it in my way.

My husband is wonderful and has a good heart. I do feel with the situation between he and my dad that he could have confronted him so many times before this and without letting everything just build up for 16 years and then exploding.

My dad is not forgiving him on this one and "Bob" doesn't understand why.


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## F-102

I think Dad and "Bob" need to grow up!


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## BRB

So, a week later my husband has called my dad 5 times to apologize (on voicemails). My dad isn't calling him back. Now, my husband is nagging me about why my dad won't forgive him. "Bob" wanted this; he wanted the break, he created this conflict. He disrespected me by calling my dad out of the blue and telling him he wants to divorce his daughter. I don't feel my dad should have to accept his apology, but "Bob" won't move on.


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