# Mother in law wants to move in! Help



## madville (Feb 8, 2018)

This is going to be long, buckle down. I have to explain a lot so you can understand completely. Im 22 and engaged to my fiance of 6 years. We have a 4 yr daughter together. We are happy. I had some problems with my family over the past few years. My nephew passed away in 2015, caused my sister to get on drugs, and then my mother. I allowed them to live with me because they lost everything and that is family. My sister didn't stay long but my mom stayed for 3 years. I took care of her. She took care of my house. My fiance didnt really like them being there but dealt with them for me. Now my sister overdosed in Feb 2017, my mom passed Oct 2017 from cancer we didn't know she had. Its been a long year. So now Im emotionally all over the place.Im the only one left since it was just us three. But, Things finally started looking up after everything I've been through. I got a huge promotion and we are moving out of our tiny apartment to a house!. Only thing is, his mother wants to move in with us! She is only 45. So what is she gonna stay forever? I cant stand this woman with a passion! She literally makes me sick! She is manipulative, selfish, rude, greedy, and addicted to gambling. She says she lost her job. She is a stna who worked for a temp service, if you know anything about temp service jobs they are not hard to come by. She says she needs surgery, for the past six years she has said that. She says she is waiting on her lawyer to sign off on the surgery, for a car wreck she was in. If she truly needed the surgery the doctor would do it and bill her or the insurance company later right? She also says she has diabetic nerve damage but is not a diabetic. The same lady who said she had a stroke so but was discharged from the hospital same day? She is trying to guilt trip us and I'm not buying it! She treats my fiance like garbage. Calls him names, demands money, and just puts us both down constantly. I feel like I will literally go insane or worse if she moves in. Am I wrong for feeling like this? I mean my family did live with me but my family was reasonable to live with and knew their place. Please help me with advice. I have no one to ask or I wouldn't be here!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Tell your fiancé that if he lets her move in, you'll move out. Permanently.


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## madville (Feb 8, 2018)

So Im not wrong?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No, you're not wrong. She is not really disabled or dependent - she sounds like a whiner, a hypochondriac, and a real threat to your relationship. I strongly believe that young couples need to make their own way and establish their own life independent of their parents, except in extreme circumstances. Make your position clear, and stick to it. Otherwise, you will be miserable and your relationship will probably fail.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

madville said:


> So Im not wrong?


No you are not wrong. There are time to pick battles and this is one of them. Good luck x


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## madville (Feb 8, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> No, you're not wrong. She is not really disabled or dependent - she sounds like a whiner, a hypochondriac, and a real threat to your relationship. I strongly believe that young couples need to make their own way and establish their own life independent of their parents, except in extreme circumstances. Make your position clear, and stick to it. Otherwise, you will be miserable and your relationship will probably fail.


Thank you! <3


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does you fiance want her to move in? Has he said no to her or yes? 
How big is the house? For example if it has 3 bedrooms and you want another child you can say that you will need them for the children so there is no room. 

Bit of a hard situation because he did accept your mum for 3 years, but if you are both on the same page here then just say no.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I agree that since you allowed your family to move in for awhile that you should allow that for your husband's side. But if you can't stand her then it's different. How does your husband feel about the move- in especially how his mom treats him? Can you stay in your apartment and keep saving? Maybe, the both of you can tell her 'NO' and help her in another way--- like if she does have surgery, you can pay for her rent or groceries. You right, if she moves in it will be tough to get her out!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Let his parasite mother bleed someone else. You didn't work your butt off to earn a promotion just so you could finally afford to buy a house and support his nasty mother.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

So your drug addicted mom lived with you for 3 years, and your fiance didn't like it but put up with it for your sake. And you won't do the same for him. Nice.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> So your drug addicted mom lived with you for 3 years, and your fiance didn't like it but put up with it for your sake. And you won't do the same for him. Nice.


Things don't have to be equal. They just should be reasonable. Perhaps he wasn't bothered much by her mother, whereas she is unable to deal with his toxic parent. It's reasonable for her to say no in this situation.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

madville said:


> My fiance didnt really like them being there but dealt with them for me.


I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. That's quite a burden to go through at such a young age. I would guess that you've also had a lot to deal with throughout your life. I hope you can stay strong and live a happy life.

I'm not really following how it's okay for him to have to deal with your mom (and sister), but it's not okay for you to have to deal with his mom. Why didn't your sister move in with your mom? I guessing your mom couldn't support herself, but why do you think your fiance's mom should support herself, but you didn't think the same of your mom?

I can understand not wanting a relative moving in, but I feel that you owe it to him for at least a little while. He lived with 2 relatives for a while (in an apartment!), which is inconvenient even in the best circumstances.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

WTF? You let your drug addicted mother and sister live with you for years but you are preemptively saying "no" about your fiance's mother? That hardly seems fair.

I'd explain your concerns to your bride. Let them know that you concerns are important and serious but that, given her sacrifice in taking in your family during their time of need, you feel that you cannot say no. Deal with it. Don't whine about it, but when problems occur, and they will, communicate with your spouse. Work through it together. It may get very hard. Probably best to go in stating that there may come a time when your spouse may have to choose between casting your mother out in order to save the marriage and, if they don't think they'll be able to do that, then this is not a road you should tread together. But you've already established the precedent, so you don't have a choice now without entrenching a marriage threatening inequity.

My wife and I agreed, when we first established a home together, that we wouldn't allow anyone to live with us unless it was a hospice situation. If a wayward sibling, cousin, friend needed help, our help would be in getting them to the appropriate shelter or apartment but it wouldn't include moving in with us.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Does fair really mean anything?

What matters is the relationship you have with your daughter, and with the father of your daughter. 

Personally I think it is telling that you left out how your boyfriend feels about all this. Yet in my opinion that is probably one of the most important parts of this whole thing.

Have you and your boyfriend been fighting over this issue?

I don't think you should be worried at all about his mother. His mother does not matter. Fairness does not matter.

Are you asking here to gather information to use against your boyfriend, to convince him to accept your refusal? These are things which would be good to know before people offer advice. 

You certainly don't need our advice to say no. Just say no.

I, myself, would never have allowed anyone associated with addictive drugs into my home, especially around my child. Family or not. But we each have our own life. 

Be well, somehow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes, we haven't been told what the husband thinks. That is a vital question.

The thing is that you did have 2 drug addicts living with you for 3 years and he had to put up with that. Must say that I wouldn't let anyone who is hooked on drugs to live in my home especially with a child.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Interesting. Your soon-to-be husband didn't like your drug addled family living in a small apartment, but dealt with it for you. Now that the shoes is on the other foot, you won't allow that because you despise his mother.

These are your words. "My fiance didnt really like them being there but dealt with them for me."

Very interesting. I think you should send him here so I can tell him what a doormat he is being and to find someone that isn't a self-centered selfish ass!

I see nothing but hell and misery for him if he marries you.

I'm out!


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

You were 19 when you let your sister and mother move in? Bad immature move. Don’t make another bad immature move at 22 by allowing the MIL in. Don’t play it that your family “knew their place” and your MIL is horrible. Just stress to him you guys made a mistake early on by letting other family in, you know it stressed him out, and you don’t want that mistake to happen again for your nuclear family.


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## madville (Feb 8, 2018)

Yes My mother and sister were addicted to drugs. Again my sister did not stay long, my mother is the one who stayed for 3 years. My mother invited my fiance in her home when he was 17 because his mother was abusive towards him. He lived with my family for 3 years until we got our own place, that was of course before everything went down hill. My mother helped me and him tremendously! She was not on drugs while in my home. Sorry for not making that clear. She was living with us because she lost everything and to stay sober. My mother took my daughter to school, babysat any time, cleaned, cooked dinner, and he actually got along with my mom better than me. They had a great relationship. He never once complained about her living there. Im sure he wasn't thrilled but she helped more than she was a burden. He does not want his mother to move in at all but feels stuck because that is his mother. His mother does not like me for one. Im white he's black. Shes upset he has dated outside of his race. She has put him through a lot growing up and put me through a lot. To give you an idea of how she is, she will call me and say " bring me money now!" If you say you dont have it she will hang up, show up at your house demanding money, say your a liar etc. It got so bad one time she actually slapped money out of my hand I tried to give her. 


I appreciate the honesty, but PLEASE be gentle, Im very sensitive when it comes to people bad mouthing my sister or mother since they have both recently passed.


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## madville (Feb 8, 2018)

I dont think I was clear enough in my post, I did leave out some major factors. Thanks for the honesty (didn't have to be that harsh though). Im far from self centered. I've literally supported this man when he had nothing. I have helped him get into college and get a decent job, all while putting my own dreams on hold for him. Please know the whole situation before saying things like that - Thanks


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

madville said:


> he actually got along with my mom better than me. They had a great relationship. He never once complained about her living there.
> 
> ... He does not want his mother to move in at all but feels stuck because that is his mother.


So it sounds like the two of you are pretty much in agreement on all of this?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you are in agreement then you must show her a united front and say no. 
Is there any chance that you could move right away? That's often the only thing you can do if you have a toxic parent. 

How big is the house?


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