# Lost Horizon



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Normally I would post in CWI but this is not quite the same. I am past my ex in terms of ever reconciling even though we live under the same roof. A big no no, I get it , as far as moving on is concerned but I am just going to have to make it work until my children are more mature. They have too many community critical connections to disrupt. Renting close by is prohibitive in this mad real estate environment (almost as much as a weekly mortgage repayment).

Anyway, I am looking for love - someone to spend the rest of my life with but the facts as outlined above, limited finances and shot confidence are a hindrance as well as the fact that I just don't go out that much. I've scored a great full time job at last but I'm pretty tired at the end of the week. 

I also did something really stupid which is a measure of how lonely I must be feeling. I responded to someone's random "like" on FB and within a few weeks was in the thick of it exchanging "pleasantries". In my heart I knew it was a scam. I didn't give anything away or send money - nothing that dopey but I let myself become emotionally dependent on the sms messages and emails. Yesterday I blew her, it, who ever they were, out of the water by listing all the red flags back at them. Naturally I was punted; but I expected that.

I didn't realise how vulnerable I had become. So, i was wondering, if I so badly needed to be sustained by kind words of affection (not lust - the BS hadn't gone quite that far, she, it,was playing a "long game" IMO) how am I going to fill that hole in the meantime. Apparently there are plenty of fish out there (no pun) but I am reluctant to look too closely or start hitting the bricks. Obviously the first lesson is do not get involved online but are there any talk sites or is it all too risky?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't recall. Are you divorced?

You might try to first grow your social connections. Check out the website meetup.com Here were I live it has a lot of enjoyable things to do, like hiking, kayaking, dinner out in a group, book clubs, music meetup, and on and on. You might find some things that you enjoy doing. You sign up and go. 

Get out and meet people, men and women. It's not a dating setup. You could end up meeting someone who like, but more importantly you can build a healthy social group. It would help you be stronger emotionally.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank you - some good advice. I have been out and about with some friends and my bros but generally it turns into drinks and more drinks. Appreciated EleGirl.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I have heard many euphemisms such as "learn to be comfortable in your own skin" used to describe the idea that you must first "love" you before you can love others. You must find, understand and decide who Horizon is before you can offer the real you to anyone in a relationship. Once you complete this journey of self identification you will then be able to stop guessing what you want and will have confidence to know what it is and to recognize when a person is not "it".

I use the word journey because it is indeed a process. There are books and online information available to assist in your quest but only you can make the trip with diligence and determination. Find Horizon and you may be surprised that others will find him as well. Good fortune.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

That is true NC. probably explains the trail of broken relationships. I have a long journey ahead, let's hope I get some answers before I depart this mortal coil.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It has to be weird living with your ex. I don't know if I could do it. 

I say get in shape, start living a fun life, dress smart, eat right, and the ladies will come to you. You won't need a dating site.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I know you say there are financial constraints and that's why you live with your ex, but I have to tell you...I don't think there are any quality women who are ever going to have something meaningful with you if you are still living with your ex wife. Maybe you need to sell the house, split the proceeds, and both build your own lives.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Horizon said:


> Normally I would post in CWI but this is not quite the same. I am past my ex in terms of ever reconciling even though we live under the same roof. A big no no, I get it , as far as moving on is concerned but I am just going to have to make it work until my children are more mature. They have too many community critical connections to disrupt. Renting close by is prohibitive in this mad real estate environment (almost as much as a weekly mortgage repayment).
> 
> Anyway, I am looking for love - someone to spend the rest of my life with but the facts as outlined above, limited finances and shot confidence are a hindrance as well as the fact that I just don't go out that much. I've scored a great full time job at last but I'm pretty tired at the end of the week.
> 
> ...


OP, I hate to sound harsh, but I really see no other way to say it. But your entire post is just one excuse after another, blaming some externality for your lot in life. You are still living with your wife, even though she cheated on you. Rent is too high, and your children are not mature enough. And then too boot your finances are limited and you lack self-confidence. All very valid reasons, but even more so nice excuses to prevent you from doing what you need to do.
Low self-confidence? I can understand, I would have low self-confidence to if I thought my choices were so limited. But guess what? You always have choices. If your finances are limiting your ability to pay rent - improve your finances. That "mad real estate market" you used as an excuse. It isn't a problem, it is the solution to your problem. People are making crazy money, which is why rents and houses are going up. Find a way to capitalize in it your self. 
Your children are not mature enough? That is outright BS, and you don't want to disrupt community critical social connections? WTH is that? Why do you think they would be disrupted? Kids are tougher than what we imagine. They are adaptable. And they learn about life from us. Do you really imagine the lesson that it is OK for their Dad to be walked over by having to remain with a cheating spouse is the best lesson for them? They will come to think if you lived with so should they and the cycle will just repeat itself when they do become "mature". Those community critical connections will either remain as they are, or they will be replaced with newer more appropriate ones.
The bottom line is NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU. If you want a better life, target your excuses and change them. The excuses you make are preventing you from moving forward. You will never have what you say you want until you start eliminating your excuses. Nothing builds confidence, like success, Success only comes from taking action. So start taking action to eliminate your excuses. Forget looking for love elsewhere, first you must find it inside and the only way to do that is to work on yourself first.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you are in a long-term relationship (never married). Is that treated as a common-law marriage where you are? Meaning will she have to pay alimony (or is there even such a thing there) and will you split assets legally?

You've been posting here, and talking about pulling the trigger, for a long time. Your children surely are teenagers by now -- or at least very close? How much longer are you planning on waiting (since I doubt she'll be the one to end it)? 

You can waste your life waiting for the right moment -- which never comes.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, I have been thinking I can hook up with someone else and that will be a ticket out of here. I confess. I realise that is true. Man, I was even missing the online fake person for a few days. Sad. So, I am weaker that i thought as well. Sh*t! No excuses - I'm farkd up. But, believe it or not I am clearer. I am resolved to move on with my life. I want someone to share it with. I have plenty of love in me to give and plenty of room to receive it.

I am concerned that my counselor has told me that I have a personality disorder. I am a bit needy which is pretty immature, particularly if you consider my age. And not much of a turn on for women in general unless you hook up with someone else who is similarly farkd up - which did happen to me years back. In fact my ex-ws with her drinking and cheating is really just another farkd up human though I guess she is more emotionally mature and the opposite of needy.

And to tell you how whacky I have become - my ex-ws started a new job, a great well paid job and for two weeks she has pretty much raved on about her new boss and what a great fella he is and how he started the business himself and how young he is and how he and his wife have struggled with the fact that he had an affair with an ex employee.

What!? I'm thinking how I wish she would sleep with him and do me a favor; give me the reason to split once and for all. What did I say? Whacky!! Sorry to embarrass myself like this but that is where I am at - back to counseling I go. The thing I didn't say is that despite how farkd up this all sounds it might be that any impetus is good enough if it helps me extricate myself from this death grip.


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