# Need a peep talk..



## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

(mods, you can move this to Coping.. I can't seem to post there)

Anyway, divorce was final a few weeks ago. Found out wife was having a long distance EA (perhaps PA) with a married man for over two years. Started about the time I proposed, continued on after being married and still continuing today. Horrible person to do that.

Anyway, I like to think that it's HER issue she did this and our short 1 year marriage fell apart, but I keep torturing myself with guilt. Could I have held her hand more? Should I not have given her a hard time with spending so much money on bottled water, etc. We never fought in our relationship and it was good. Sex dwindled towards the end and I think it was due to the affair and her being checked out. 

Why do I have so much self-guilt? I have such a hard time thinking had I been more affectionate, etc, this wouldn't have happened. I wasn't a cold fish by ANY means, but maybe her expections were just too high. Her friends all says she is high maintenance. I miss her dearly dispite what she's done to me.

Help.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I went through a divorce. Wasn't finalized until June, but we started the divorce back in late 2007. So essentially 5+ years ago. Even now I still wonder if I did everything I could in the marriage. Not because I want her back or anything like that, but just because I wonder what blame I had.

Outside of some rare cases, in a divorce both sides have to take some blame. It may be 80% to one person and 20% to another, or even 50/50. Each case is different but, yes, odds are you did have some blame.

That said, you also have to find a way to view this objectively. Only time will allow that. It took me years to truly view things without some emotional involvement, especially anger. Only then can you truly analyze your own actions in the relationship and see what you could have done better.

I'm not sure how far out of the relationship you are, but take the time to get your self settled, your life back in order and your thoughts clear before you get back into a relationship or even truly review this marriage. 

And remember, you didn't cheat. She did. And honestly, if she's going to cheat because you didn't hold her hand enough or were upset about how much bottled water she bought, she was likely going to cheat anyways, and cheat a lot.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

This article makes me feel a bit better. 

http://www.professorshouse.com/Relationships/Marriage-Advice/Articles/Dont-Make-Me-Feel-Guilty-for-Your-Infidelity/


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Tryingtobreath said:


> (mods, you can move this to Coping.. I can't seem to post there)
> 
> Anyway, divorce was final a few weeks ago. Found out wife was having a long distance EA (perhaps PA) with a married man for over two years. Started about the time I proposed, continued on after being married and still continuing today. Horrible person to do that.
> 
> ...


If she had a problem with lack of hand-holding or your criticism about bottled water, her responsibility is to address it with you. If that's the case, she failed one of the basic tenets of a marriage... communication.


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