# Help! No sex after seperation....



## bwware (Jul 4, 2011)

Trying to make a long story short:

In January of 2010, I left my wife and family for a co-worker. We never got a divorce. In August of that same year, I realized what I had done and decided that I loved my wife and family more than anything. After a little begging, my wife decided to take me back...with baby steps. First I was only allowed to sleep on the couch. This happened for a few weeks. Finally I was allowed to sleep in the same bed...but I was NOT allowed to touch her at all. 


One random Sunday morning, she allowed me to touch her so that she was "taken care of." But I was not allowed a turn.

Randomly one night, she woke me up and we had sex. She laid down the rules...I was not allowed to go down on her and I was not allowed to talk. We did it and I thought things might be going back to normal. 

A couple days after ward, I tried to get frisky with her and all hell broke loose! It was there I was told that SHE would be the one saying when we do it.

We have done it once more since then, again, on her rules.

So here it is, almost a year later, we have had sex twice. I tried talking to her about it and she just keeps saying how she has no drive anymore.

Before our split, we had sex all the time. The drive WAS there. But now, nothing.

I treat her like a queen. I would do anything for her. I just got a promotion at work that requires me to be there 50+ hours a week. I do it with a smile on my face because I know it is giving her a better life. In fact, I just give her my paycheck. I dont care what she does with it...I just know that I am back at my house with my kids and the woman I love more than anything in this world.

But it is starting to feel like the movie "Groundhog Day." I will try my damnest to give her an awesome day hoping in the back of my mind that maybe some snuggling might result when we lay down for bed. Yesterday being a perfect example. I tried to show her a perfect day and then we laid down in bed. I start rubbing her back and she says how wonderful that feels and if she could purr, she would! So I start thinking that maybe...JUST MAYBE....today could be the day. A couple minutes later, I realize she has fallen asleep! DANG IT! Well, I go downstairs and take care of myself...again!! 

I end up falling asleep on the couch. I do that alot after I end up taking care of myself. She knows what I am doing down there. When she woke up this morning and came downstairs and found me on the couch, She said she was sorry. She says sorry alot. She knows I was interested in her touch last night but because she wasnt interested in mine....again...I went downstairs and took care of things on my own. Why is she sorry?

ANYWAY...

My dilemma.

Because of the lack of closeness I have with my wife, I am starting to have bad thoughts. Thoughts that involve cheating on her.  

I have not done it yet. I do NOT want to do it. But I miss having that closeness with someone. I want it with my wife and she is not giving it to me. Its almost a year later and that most she will do with me on a regular bases is hold my hand for 10mins in the morning while my alarm in on snooze.

I need help! What am I supposed to do? I am trying to prevent myself from making a very huge mistake. I do not want to cheat on her. But its just weighing me down so much. I am just obsessed with it. Everynight we go to bed, I lay there waiting in case she decideds that tonight is the night. It is becoming a sickness to me. 

I love my wife more than anything in this world (children dont count!) and she says she loves me as well. She buys whatever she want to buy with my paycheck. She does not work. I have ZERO problem with that. 

But with everynight that I long for her touch, and she doesnt give it to me, makes me weaker and weaker inside.

Help! What should I do?

Thank you for reading, sorry I kept blabbering on. I am just really at my wits end!

Bill


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Some people are incapable of getting over infidelity. It's not that your wife's drive is gone is that she's lost her trust in you and is still punishing you for leaving her. And after a year unless she is willing to seek help with a counselor to work on this it's unlikely she is going to change.

If my husband left me for someone else or cheated it would be a dealbreaker. I'm too fragile and insecure to ever get over it.

Whatever you do don't cheat again. Leave first. That is what you should have done the first time.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Bill ~

What a heart-breaking story. Just from what you have told, my guess is that your wife is holding in a lot of resentment toward you regarding your affair and is likely trying to protect herself from further hurt.

Do you talk with your wife about how you feel? Have you and she ever considered marriage counseling? Sometimes it's hard for people to work through all of the old hurts and anger on their own without an objective third-party helping them.

As well, it sounds like you are bending over backwards to make amends for what you did. Catering to your wife's every whim is actually not that attractive to a woman - it makes you look weak in her eyes. She likely wants a confident and controlled man from whom she can regain her trust in. I'm sure some of the men on the forum will chime in on how to start doing that. 

I really wish you the best. Godspeed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what have you two done to work through the issues that caused you to cheat? What have you done to deal with healing after? What are you doing now to try to resolve the issue?

It can take a betrayed spouse a long time to work through the pain caused, and some never can. If your wife is not willing to make any steps to move forward, she may be one if the latter. But 1 year may be too early to tell.

As someone else already said, whatever you do don't cheat on her again. Let her know that things have to at least start changing, if you must. 

And BTW, this is coming from a guy who also cheated on his spouse, but was never caught. You might get a lot of value going through the Infidelity forum to understand what your wife is going through.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

Ok time for some tough talk. everyone is right she is still hurting however she is also living in the same house with you. it takes two and if you dont work out what went wrong the first time you cheated it will happen again. if you are together for the kids then you both need to be aware of that fact and stop worring about the sex. if she wants it to work then that means she needs to work with you to make it work. put her to work earning some money and then work on the marriage. once she rejoins the work force and sees what other women have to put up with it wll help. it will also give her less time to worry about things.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why did your wife take you back? Financial or punishment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Next month is Aug 2011. I believe I'd tell her I'm willing to stick around as long as there is progress toward reconciliation. She's earned the right to pick the plan but there would be a plan with specific measurable performance. I'd set myself a firm date and if things hadn't improved dramatically by the date I had set, I would move on.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

It seems like your wife can't get over the infidelity issue. It really looks like she's punishing you for what you have done. It's taking her a long time to trust you again.

Women, generally, find it hard to get over this issue. They felt that they weren't attractive enough for you that you had to find someone else.

To her, it felt like she wasn't good enough. However, there is hope. Counseling would be a great way because it fosters honest communication between the both of you.

Much of the hidden issues will be brought to light. Then you can be aware of it and find some way to compromise.


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