# Should I tell her husband



## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

A common theme when an affair is revealed is that the BS often finds that many friends/ coworkers knew of the affair, but never said anything. 

I've known for some time that a coworker of mine has been having an EA, which recently turned physical. 

Her and her husband have been married 30+ years, have children and grandchildren they are very involved with. They seem to be the perfect family, and I was in shock when I found this out. 

She has a burner phone and talks with him daily on her lunch break, and has taken days off work to visit him, hours away. She has family near him, and has told her husband she was going to visit her sister when she was really planning to meet him. We are all so disappointed to find this out. 

My question: how can I tell her husband and remain anonymous, and should I?

I appreciate any feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If you know all these details which are pretty darn specific for someone who is a coworker and not a close friend. Why do you want to remain anonymous? 

If you know all of this as fact and not gossip you should tell her spouse. Passing along anonymous information is cowardly and it makes it very easy for a cheater to dismiss said information as malicious gossip then cover the affair up accordingly.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Tattler said:


> A common theme when an affair is revealed is that the BS often finds that many friends/ coworkers knew of the affair, but never said anything.
> 
> I've known for some time that a coworker of mine has been having an EA, which recently turned physical.
> 
> ...


Send him an anonymous e-mail or letter or even make an anonymous call, Tell him to ask the people that know. name a few that you think would be honest if asked about it. I was done the same way & It really hurt to know friends & family knew & didn't tell me. I'm still hurt at them for letting it go on for 6 months. Do what you have to, But please let him know. It could be the difference in saving the marriage or ending it, the longer it goes on the harder it will be to save it.. I would give anything if someone had told me I had to wonder & worry for weeks before I could prove anything for sure.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Tell the husband. Have him call the sister's house at 7:00 am while wife is away visiting. Apologize for calling so early, but say there is an emergency with one of the kids. Ask to speak to the wife. Wife will soon call back on cell phone. Have H ask her to call back on sister's phone. Jig is up. Husband is not lying about "emergency". When kids find out Mom is cheating, at least 1 kid is likely to be upset.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Definitely tell him, give him the facts and who knows and then remove yourself from the scenario.....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if you know exactly where the wife is going, you could send him an anonymous email detailing everything and tell him to go to the following address the day she is visiting her sister.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I would include all of the facts you know and as was pointed out, the names of others who know. As much info as you can arm him with. I know I would want to know.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If I were in his shoes I would want to know but if he kills the messenger so to speak just say I'm sorry and walk away.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

I say burn a cheater whenever possible...

anonymous letter is fine...if he discounts it without doing any investigations, then that's on him.

she's risking his health with possible STDs, etc.

If it was your spouse, you'd want to know, wouldn't you?


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

You have got to tell. That is what you would want. I would also add to tell her that she should NOT under any circumstance reveal that she knows anything until she has herself gathered absolute proof. Otherwise she will push this all underground and it will be very difficult to gather evidence.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes please tell him. I would want to know. A simple way is to open up a google email account, use it to send him an email. In the email include as much detailed info including names, that you have so he knows its real. You can always delete the account afterwards.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My caveat in these situations is you must be totally certain of the facts. You must know for certain what you know is true. When you expose to the BS, be very clear on what is known fact vs what may be unsubstantiated. Normally I would not include anything unsubstantiated, though there may be something compelling in specific circumstances.

I would provide as much proof as possible along with the data itself. Dates, locations, names, etc. Provide your email if they want to contact you.

Pointing them towards this forum might prove helpful to them.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How well do you know this ladies husband? If he's a friend of yours, he wont be for long once he finds out that you knew about it and didn't tell him.

I had to tell a friend about his wife back in the late 70's. It wasn't easy for either one of us. I hated seeing the look on his face and he hated hearing the news. When I told him, I made sure I had my ducks all in a row with the information I had and yes, he and his wife were friends with me and my wife. Before I told him I talked to my then wife about it and we both agreed that he needed to know. 

Naturally when he went home, the $h!t hit the fan and I got a nasty phone call from his wife and I told her that I wasn't sorry that I told him and if she wants to be pissed off at me then be my guest but if she wants to blame anyone, then look in the mirror. Well their marriage ended but at least he wasn't being made a fool out of any longer.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tattler said:


> I've known for some time that a coworker of mine has been having an EA, which recently turned physical.
> 
> Her and her husband have been married 30+ years, have children and grandchildren they are very involved with. They seem to be the perfect family, and I was in shock when I found this out.
> 
> ...


Ok, so your are not this woman's friend and you don't really know the husband? 

What are your intentions for disclosing something that's obviously not your business?


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I would definitely have as much proof as you could provide. I would be in disbelief if someone were to tell me that my wife was cheating on me, and I have only been married a 11 years. I imagine, unless it's been on his radar, that he will be in denial.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler

I'm not sure what evidence you have, so if you could answer these questions it could help us to better advise you. 

Do you have the sisters number? 
If not can you get it? 
Do you have the burner number?
If not can you get it?
Who is we and how many?
Does the entire office know? 
Can they get the sisters number?
Can you get OM's number? 

Provided you can get the sisters number, the burner number, and OM's number you could turn the wife, sister, and OM against each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> Ok, so your are not this woman's friend and you don't really know the husband?
> 
> What are your intentions for disclosing something that's obviously not your business?




Having this type of information provided its all true, he should definitely expose the wife. All BS are entitled, that's right entitled, to know the truth. Doing nothing enables adultery, doing nothing condones adultery. If I come across anyone who knew of my wife's affair and stayed quiet, they will be subjected to the same treatment I would give OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Definitely tell him. What would you want if you were in his shoes?

I'd give enough details so he would know it was the truth.

If you know his email that would be great. If not mail him a letter to his work so she doesn't get it.

Or a call from someplace untraceable.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

This is a work relationship between you and the woman (you sure know an awful lot for just that).

Butt out...it is not your business at all.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I would want to know. I would hold people who knew before me responsible too. If your neighbors house was being robbed would you say it was none of your business? No, her husband is having something stolen from him. Tell him.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You have received a lot of good advice. The BH will be in shock. Tell him to keep his mouth shut (do not confront) and refer him to this website. Besides proof that the others have mentioned give all the times and dates that you can. The BH can remember that the WW was gone on Friday, etc.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> This is a work relationship between you and the woman (you sure know an awful lot for just that).
> 
> Butt out...it is not your business at all.




If his job promotions have been affected because of the affair that changes everything. Better yet be a whistleblower if your employer frowns upon relationships within the company!!! Now you don't have to contact the husband and hopefully the company management has morals and fires them both!! I take it you used the term woman LOOSELY, eh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> This is a work relationship between you and the woman (you sure know an awful lot for just that).
> 
> Butt out...it is not your business at all.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This woman's first post is about office gossip.
She is not family/friends/counselor to either party involved.
She knows how we react to cheaters around here.
And most important RED flag here...her name is TATTLER!

If it looks like a troll, it quacks like a troll...then she's a TROLL

Bibi


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> Ok, so your are not this woman's friend and you don't really know the husband?
> 
> What are your intentions for disclosing something that's obviously not your business?


Exactly.....is this someone you would like to burn at work?


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

Easiest way you can do this is set up a burner email account or get a skype account and text/call. I would recommend you do it sooner than later. You could make a fake facebook account as well.

this is a list of how to send a text through email to phone number

Alltel	[insert 10-digit number] @message.alltel.com
AT&T	[insert 10-digit number] @txt.att.net
Boost Mobile	[insert 10-digit number] @myboostmobile.com
Sprint	[insert 10-digit number] @messaging.sprintpcs.com
T-Mobile	[insert 10-digit number] @tmomail.net
US Cellular	[insert 10-digit number] @email.uscc.net
Verizon	[insert 10-digit number] @vtext.com
Virgin Mobile	[insert 10-digit number] @vmobl.com


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

drifting on said:


> If his job promotions have been affected because of the affair that changes everything. Better yet be a whistleblower if your employer frowns upon relationships within the company!!! Now you don't have to contact the husband and hopefully the company management has morals and fires them both!! I take it you used the term woman LOOSELY, eh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP and the "woman" are co-workers, not the OM or the husband.

I think you are confusing who is who :wink2:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Exposure is never a bad thing when it comes to an affair.

But I have to ask...

How do you "all" definitively know that your coworker is cheating on her husband? Do you have a relationship with her beyond coworker? Do you know her husband? Does she openly flaunt her affair in the workplace? Is the affair with a fellow coworker? Are you male or female?

Friends and family is one thing, but why create heaps of trouble for yourself at work? Your own family is your first priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> The OP and the "woman" are co-workers, not the OM or the husband.
> 
> I think you are confusing who is who :wink2:




No, if OP's job promotions were affected by this affair that changes everything. OM and "woman" and OP work together, husband doesn't work there. Is that clear? I said his in my last post but should have said his/her as I really don't care if OP is male or female. But "OP" should tell the "woman's" husband or at the very least the company HR. Again hopefully both get fired!
_Posted via Mobile Device_

ETA, OP doesn't say if OM works with them or not.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

If the woman in question has to take vacation and travel to see the OM, I suspect the OM does not work with her.

Now...all of you who commented that you would hold responsible anyone who knew about a relationship between your sig other and someone else and didn't tell you, and/or that you would deal with them the same as the other person...

I don't think so...as a co-worker to your spouse I have zero legal or ethical responsibility to babysit your marriage, to report anything I may know, guess or suspect to you, or to remember anything pertinent in a court proceeding.

Some of you need to get real....


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> If the woman in question has to take vacation and travel to see the OM, I suspect the OM does not work with her.
> 
> Now...all of you who commented that you would hold responsible anyone who knew about a relationship between your sig other and someone else and didn't tell you, and/or that you would deal with them the same as the other person...
> 
> ...



Dang LonelyinLove you are spot on!

Bibi


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Interfering in a *coworker's* life like this could end up getting you fired. There's a very real chance that she can fudge the details enough to come up with a reasonable explanation and then report you to HR for spreading wild rumors about her. She has family in the area which can easily explain the trips. She could discount anything you overheard as you lying unless you had recordings.

Depending on your state, your employer may be able to fire you for any reason or no reason at all (at-will employment). The employer can just decide they don't want the disruption in the workplace and fire one or both of you. 

The moral thing to do is to tell him, but you have to decide if it's worth the potential negative consequences to you if there's any blowback.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

I'm taking a quick lunch break so I'll try to answer some of the questions. I appreciate all the responses, both positive and negative. 

Our work environment is such that our group is together all day, and have time to talk. 
She is very chatty and our small group have all worked together for years, so we know a lot about each other, all though most of us rarely see each other outside of work. She's told us all about this affair, and her husband suspects. She's even shown pics of OM penis to some. 

As a human being, I feel someone needs to tell her husband, but I don't want to cause trouble at work, so if at all possible, I need to tell him anonymously. I don't want to be part of the drama that will unfold, I have enough on my own plate. 

As far as my username, yes, I would feel like a tattle tale, but I sure would want someone to tell me. Everyone's been hearing about this for months, and no one has said a word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Why SHOULD anyone say a word? You are a work group.

That said...how tacky to show photo's of his, um, body at work...

Just know there is no such thing as anonymous....some 30 something clown from LA was texting my 14 yr old daughter with a burner phone...I still found him within 30 minutes of discovering the conversation. The FBI and police know exactly who he is....

And yes, you could get in trouble at work too.

The best thing you can do, because this is a work relationship, is to tell her you don't want to know when she talks and plays show and tell.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

do it anonymously... no one needs to know where you work. Simply telling him and letting him take the reigns is all you need to do. If he does nothing then that is on him. And yes, I do believe you have a moral responsibility to do this.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Tattler said:


> Our work environment is such that our group is together all day, and have time to talk.
> She is very chatty and our small group have all worked together for years, so we know a lot about each other, all though most of us rarely see each other outside of work. She's told us all about this affair, and her husband suspects. She's even shown pics of OM penis to some.
> 
> .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the US, knowledge of this is enough to report to HR. I would doubt that an employer would fire someone who had this knowledge.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Tattler said:


> She's even shown pics of OM penis to some.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


this is actually sexual harassment.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> If the woman in question has to take vacation and travel to see the OM, I suspect the OM does not work with her.
> 
> Now...all of you who commented that you would hold responsible anyone who knew about a relationship between your sig other and someone else and didn't tell you, and/or that you would deal with them the same as the other person...
> 
> ...


Hold on, see my next post!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> This is a work relationship between you and the woman (you sure know an awful lot for just that).
> 
> Butt out...it is not your business at all.


Screw that. I'd want to know if I was being cheated on - and I wouldn't care if that info came from my best friend or someone I've never met.

Like that dude who gave the guy in front of him at a game the note telling him he was being cheated on. Didn't know him - will never see him again. But he did the right thing - the BS now has a choice at least. Work on it or dump her cheating ass.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I'm taking a quick lunch break so I'll try to answer some of the questions. I appreciate all the responses, both positive and negative.
> 
> Our work environment is such that our group is together all day, and have time to talk.
> She is very chatty and our small group have all worked together for years, so we know a lot about each other, all though most of us rarely see each other outside of work. She's told us all about this affair, and her husband suspects. She's even shown pics of OM penis to some.
> ...


Because of this lonelyinlove, it's sexual harassment, take it to your HR before she shows off the equipment again and when the boss enters throws the phone to OP. Morally the right thing to do is expose. I would gladly take the heat for that, any day of the week!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Even though you have nothing in this fight, the BS deserves to know. Her husband even suspects, but most you want to stay out of it while an individual suffers. Whatever happened to love thy neighbor? Are we all just cynical people walking around pretending we don't see what happens around us? I'm certainly glad I don't live on some of the posters streets in this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Why SHOULD anyone say a word? You are a work group.


The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> If the woman in question has to take vacation and travel to see the OM, I suspect the OM does not work with her.
> 
> Now...all of you who commented that you would hold responsible anyone who knew about a relationship between your sig other and someone else and didn't tell you, and/or that you would deal with them the same as the other person...
> 
> ...



Sounds like he does a lot of work at home!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tattler said:


> I'm taking a quick lunch break so I'll try to answer some of the questions. I appreciate all the responses, both positive and negative.
> 
> Our work environment is such that our group is together all day, and have time to talk.
> She is very chatty and our small group have all worked together for years, so we know a lot about each other, all though most of us rarely see each other outside of work. She's told us all about this affair, and her husband suspects. She's even shown pics of OM penis to some.
> ...


Well then you should be the voice of reason in that gossip crapola!

tell her flat out that you don't appreciate her gory details or ****ty pictures of creep's privates. Trash like that belongs out of the work place. If she continues to not listen, then take matters into your own hands. Record the conversations she has with you all and send them to her husband.

This does affect you because you don't want to be privy to something so disgusting at work.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

stephscarlett said:


> this is actually sexual harassment.


Only if it was a scratch and sniff.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Because of this lonelyinlove, it's sexual harassment, take it to your HR before she shows off the equipment again and when the boss enters throws the phone to OP. Morally the right thing to do is expose. I would gladly take the heat for that, any day of the week!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

This is none of your business and it's certainly not your "responsibility" to make her husband aware of what's going on. Butt out of her life and concentrate on your own. When this sort of nasty gossip goes on at work, don't join in and make it quite clear that you're not interested in discussing anybody's personal business while you're at work. You're there to work (that's what you get paid for), not to interfere in other people's marriages. If she chooses to discuss it at work, make it clear that you're not interested in her personal life. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors - they may have some sort of arrangement, their marriage may be unbearable for her due to factors that you know nothing about. I really can't understand why you want to interfere in her marriage and home life in this way. If they have children, by making the husband aware, you're probably setting up the kids for a whole world of pain and unpleastantness - you have no right to do that.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

doobie said:


> This is none of your business and it's certainly not your "responsibility" to make her husband aware of what's going on. Butt out of her life and concentrate on your own. When this sort of nasty gossip goes on at work, don't join in and make it quite clear that you're not interested in discussing anybody's personal business while you're at work. You're there to work (that's what you get paid for), not to interfere in other people's marriages. If she chooses to discuss it at work, make it clear that you're not interested in her personal life. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors - they may have some sort of arrangement, their marriage may be unbearable for her due to factors that you know nothing about. I really can't understand why you want to interfere in her marriage and home life in this way. If they have children, by making the husband aware, you're probably setting up the kids for a whole world of pain and unpleastantness - you have no right to do that.


While I agree with all this Doobie, I must admit that if the office $lut is airing her laundry in public and she has already been warned not to do it, then OP has a right to expose her to husband and most certainly to HR.

It's funny how I can change my tune when more vile crap is disclosed in our posts. Nothing is ever how we see it initially, but in time all the true colors come out eh?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> While I agree with all this Doobie, I must admit that if the office $lut is airing her laundry in public and she has already been warned not to do it, then OP has a right to expose her to husband and most certainly to HR.


OP does have a right to let HR know what's going on in the office, but not really any right to interfere in their marriage and perhaps change the future for any children she has. I really don't think interfering in somebody else's marriage is acceptable - whether this is having an affair with a married person or telling one party in the marriage something that the other party is doing.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Tell him please. Just put yourself in his position.

His wife has no respect for him and she does not love him.

She is even bragging around the work.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

doobie said:


> OP does have a right to let HR know what's going on in the office, but not really any right to interfere in their marriage and perhaps change the future for any children she has. I really don't think interfering in somebody else's marriage is acceptable - whether this is having an affair with a married person or telling one party in the marriage something that the other party is doing.



Let's agree to disagree. You are a better person than I am because blood boiled when OP stated just how much disrespect the $lut shows towards that husband, children and grandchildren you so badly want to protect. They don't deserve to be this $lut's Plan B.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I recently asked this question on behalf of a neighbor. I think the husband has a right to know. I might not have the courage to tell myself but it's so easy to get an STD from affairs. 

Literally, his life could be at risk. I was so upset at how many OW knew about me and I knew nothing about them. My husband could have been screwing a bunny-boiler and I never knew. 

Remember that Butafucco (sp?) coulple in NY. Crazy AP came to the front door and shot the wife in the race. Wife had no idea what her scumbag husband was up to. 

I just think people are crazy these days and don't think twice about putting their loved ones in harms way. Too many bunny-boilers carrying diseases out there.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> Let's agree to disagree. You are a better person than I am because blood boiled when OP stated just how much disrespect the $lut shows towards that husband, children and grandchildren you so badly want to protect. They don't deserve to be this $lut's Plan B.


The fact that she has children and grandchildren means that by telling the husband what's going on it will impact on all of their lives as well. I really think this is best left to her and her husband. I totally understand why you say it made your blood boil - but really I think that telling the husband could do so much damage to the whole family and there are kids involved. In this situation, I would put the kids first - it's not going to do them any good knowing that their mother (or grandmother) had an affair which resulted in a broken marriage. Even if the woman and her husband stay together after the disclosure, it could still have a detrimental affect on the whole family. LIke you say, we'll agree to disagree  - I always think it's best to put kids first in any situation, they're always the innocents who get hurt.

Both my mum and my dad had affairs while I was in my teens and I spent so much time listening to them arguing about this (and trying to involve us kids in the arguments). It did a lot of damage to me and my sisters, had a huge impact on our own relationships when we were adults adn I really would have preferred not to have to listen to all that crap going on. It also damaged our relationships with both our parents.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

drifting on said:


> Even though you have nothing in this fight, the BS deserves to know. Her husband even suspects, but most you want to stay out of it while an individual suffers. Whatever happened to love thy neighbor? Are we all just cynical people walking around pretending we don't see what happens around us? I'm certainly glad I don't live on some of the posters streets in this thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Healer said:


> The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing.


:iagree:

Anyone who advocates not telling the BS (when there is no doubt the affair is really happening) should just sit and talk in person to someone who had suspicions but didn't have proof. Talk to a BS whose neighbors or coworkers knew, but didn't tell him/her. Ask them how it feels to know they were the butt of jokes and the subject of gossip.

Talk to a BS who finds out later that he's been raising OM's child(ren). Talk to a BS who catches an STD. Talk to a BS who is stuck paying alimony because their marriage tipped over some magical line in the law, where if they had known sooner they could have ended the marriage without paying alimony.

The BS is indeed being harmed even if he doesn't know it yet. The harm will only increase with time. Turning one's head away from doing the right thing makes one an accomplice after the fact.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

doobie said:


> The fact that she has children and grandchildren means that by telling the husband what's going on it will impact on all of their lives as well. I really think this is best left to her and her husband. I totally understand why you say it made your blood boil - but really I think that telling the husband could do so much damage to the whole family and there are kids involved. In this situation, I would put the kids first - it's not going to do them any good knowing that their mother (or grandmother) had an affair which resulted in a broken marriage.


I'm not nearly so certain it is my place to decide for others what is right for them, whether it be staying together or getting divorced. But I do believe it is every human's right to make fully informed decisions about their own life and their own family.

The cheater in this case made informed choices to cheat. She knew what the consequences to her husband and family might be.

So far the husband has not been able to make an informed decision. Every day he decides to stay with her rather than to leave her. But he is making that decision while missing very critically important information.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

doobie said:


> The fact that she has children and grandchildren means that by telling the husband what's going on it will impact on all of their lives as well. I really think this is best left to her and her husband. I totally understand why you say it made your blood boil - but really I think that telling the husband could do so much damage to the whole family and there are kids involved. In this situation, I would put the kids first - it's not going to do them any good knowing that their mother (or grandmother) had an affair which resulted in a broken marriage. Even if the woman and her husband stay together after the disclosure, it could still have a detrimental affect on the whole family. LIke you say, we'll agree to disagree  - I always think it's best to put kids first in any situation, they're always the innocents who get hurt.
> 
> Both my mum and my dad had affairs while I was in my teens and I spent so much time listening to them arguing about this (and trying to involve us kids in the arguments). It did a lot of damage to me and my sisters, had a huge impact on our own relationships when we were adults adn I really would have preferred not to have to listen to all that crap going on. It also damaged our relationships with both our parents.




I will agree to disagree on exposure, with my job I see kids put in the middle by parents all too often. The fact your parents argued where you could hear them is despicable, and to use you as pawns, well I just can't comment. I can understand why that damaged your relationship with your parents, I'm sorry you had to be witness to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

If the OM's girlfriend had kept the affair a secret for my children's sake then I would say that she was possibly risking even greater damage to my children. Instead she had the strong moral fiber to free us. Yes, there is pain that we all must go through. Unfortunately, the older two heard about their mother's affair through the grapevine. Things still turned out better for the four of us because there was a person left out there who possess a little bit of integrity.

Keep your f*$#!ng secrets and keep your spineless ass off of my block if you don't have the courage to set someone free from bondage. Just keep playing XBox and pretend that you won't play the fool someday.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

I'm really surprised at the tone of some of the posts, however I do appreciate both points of view. 

When the chatting about this first began as an EA, I pulled her aside and tried to warn her of what she might be getting in to, that she needed to stop, and that I thought better of her than that. I see I made an impact. &#55357;&#56883;

Since then, she's been careful not to talk around me, but have heard things when I'm walking by or in earshot. 

I appreciate everyone giving advice for how I could remain anonymous through email, texting or Facebook. I'll look into that. If I do that though, I want to be sure to give enough information so that he doesn't dismiss it, or confront her prematurely. 
What I would like to do is find out where she's hiding the burner phone. She recently panicked thinking she'd left it out. If he finds that, he should be able to find out all he needs. 

I certainly appreciate all the warnings, I would not want to risk my job, so if I do anything, I need to be reasonably certain they can't find out it came from me. 

And no, I definitely do not have a personal vendetta against her or wish her any harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tattler said:


> My question: how can I tell her husband and remain anonymous, and should I?
> 
> I appreciate any feedback.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had a girlfriend who cheated on me for four months after we agreed to be exclusive. I found out two years after the fact and would have been so appreciative to someone who could have saved me from so much wasted time. Your co-worker is married and flaunting her lover while her husband probably senses that something is not quite right, but can't figure out what. Knowing what I went through, I would not be able to shut up and mind my own business.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't know when we became a society that could observe a terrible wrong/injustice being done to another person and do nothing "because its none of our business". 

Would you also step over a dying stranger in the street because its nothing to do with you?

I think all of us, women included, need a bigger set of b*lls.

To the OP: if you tell him what you know, anonymously or not, you could also give him TAM's website details, explaining that here he can find help to investigate and find his own evidence before he confronts his wife. And will get emotional support too.

I understand there are children involved, and its a very serious matter...but if I were the clueless spouse and some stranger or co worker told me what they knew...I would thank them. 

The damage to the kids is being perpetrated by the wife, not the messenger.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

And as long as you report facts and your direct knowledge, it's your choice to be anonymous or not.

Tell him she uses a burner to call the OM, because then he can go look for it. It's probably in the drawer where she keeps the lingerie she never puts on for her husband.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

Oh, also wanted to clarify, children are all grown with their own families.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

Just for some perspective, those of you that say it's not my business, have you ever been cheated on? 

The reason I posted in the infidelity forum was for opinions from those who have dealt with an affair, and maybe some ideas of what information might be helpful for the BS if I do contact him. 

Anybody think it's possible she wants him to find out if she's talking about it so openly?


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## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

Tattler,

I would not think twice about informing the BS. My reason for this is that the WW is a thief. A WS is someone that steals a BS's most prized possession and that possession is the BS's life.

This woman is stealing this mans life little by little each day. Every day that the BS does not know about the affair is day of the BS's life that is stolen and cannot be replaced. 

This man is under the impression that he has a good life and a good spouse. Every aspect of his life is based on his belief that things are good when in fact they are not. His life is not what he thinks it is and in all reality it is horrible due to the life thief so expose ASAP. Do not enable a life thief.

Do not endanger your job. Gather all of your evidence, and do it anonymously. Either do it with an anonymous email account or by an anonymous registered letter from the USPS to be signed for by the addressee (BS) only.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*The damage to the kids is being perpetrated by the wife, not the messenger.*

[/:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Bibi


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Your best bet is to go to HR over the photos, provided you saw them.

Just showing the photos is not of itself harassment (there are conditions that go with that as well as each companies policies). It is grossly inappropriate for anyone but a frat boy.

Also included in some sexual harassment charges is this: "asking personal questions about a person's sex life, spreading rumors about a person's sex life or preferences"...

So just because you disagree with her choices of an affair, does not mean you, as co-worker, get to discuss or otherwise interfere.

Be very careful that the hammer you are about to swing doesn't hit you instead.

There are people here at TAM that want as much carnage and scorched earth as possible concerning affairs. You do not know what goes on behind the doors of their home.

Like it or not, these people are consenting adults and your only relationship with them is work.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tattler said:


> Just for some perspective, those of you that say it's not my business, have you ever been cheated on?
> 
> 
> 
> Anybody think it's possible she wants him to find out if she's talking about it so openly?


I was cheated on. I initially thought it was not your business because I didn't think your intentions were pure or without malice.

I see I was wrong. This $lut doesn't deserve that poor family.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

Space Mountain said:


> Tattler,
> 
> I would not think twice about informing the BS. My reason for this is that the WW is a thief. A WS is someone that steals a BS's most prized possession and that possession is the BS's life.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the very thoughtful post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Normally, I would say that you are obligated to disclose this information.

However, you could find yourself on the wrong end of a sexual harassment suit if your coworker chooses to bring your accusations to HR.

When people aren't your close friends or your family, it is best to stay out of their personal lives.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler

My wife had a six month EA/PA with her coworker. The affair was summer to January 2011. I was suspicious, confronted, has lighted and lied to. My d-day was January 20, 2015. I put a weapon against my Adam's apple and pulled the trigger, the gun jammed. Right around the one year out from d-day I say on railroad tracks. Death was the only way to end the pain.

I am now in reconciliation, not wanting to die so much anymore. My wife lied during the first five months of MC, we started MC I August of 2013. I will always expose a cheater, damn anything that comes my way. Yeah it's painful, I struggle, but I for damn sure that I KNOW she cheated. Her husband may be stronger then I, he may also be sitting at his kitchen table with antifreeze. The point is you don't know, nor do you know how he will react. 

I exposed my wife's OM, wasn't pretty but she is thankful she knows. The fact that the person you know is flaunting it is because she thinks she is smart, truth is she's stupid to throw away what she had. If you won't expose, PM the info to me and I'll do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Be prepared for any consequences. 

That includes if he physically harms his wife or himself.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Just for some perspective, those of you that say it's not my business, have you ever been cheated on?
> 
> The reason I posted in the infidelity forum was for opinions from those who have dealt with an affair, and maybe some ideas of what information might be helpful for the BS if I do contact him.
> 
> Anybody think it's possible she wants him to find out if she's talking about it so openly?


Yes. I can certainly say "I feel the pain" and mean it.

I have also been involved with the affair of a close friend and also a relative, so I do have that view as well...meaning I knew the dynamics of the home, family and marriage.

You only know this woman from work, so I'm guessing you don't know what her family dynamics are.

It is simply not your business with the exception of the drama AT work. Deal with that provided you have the proof to back it up and then butt out. If her H suspects, than he should be looking into it.

Maybe he doesn't care about the relationship any more than she does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tattler said:


> I'm really surprised at the tone of some of the posts, however I do appreciate both points of view.
> 
> When the chatting about this first began as an EA, I pulled her aside and tried to warn her of what she might be getting in to, that she needed to stop, and that I thought better of her than that. I see I made an impact. ��
> 
> ...


Is she encouraged to cheat by the others who listen to her talk about the affair at work?

My bet is that she only talks about this at work. It's highly likely that she will figure out that it was someone at work. Since you talked to her and she knows that you are not 'friendly' about the affair she might very easily put 2+2 together and figure out it was you to told... even if it was anonymous. 

So if you tell her husband, be ready for her anger and accusations. 

And know that there is a chance that you could lose your job over this.

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tattler said:


> Just for some perspective, those of you that say it's not my business, have you ever been cheated on?
> 
> The reason I posted in the infidelity forum was for opinions from those who have dealt with an affair, and maybe some ideas of what information might be helpful for the BS if I do contact him.
> 
> Anybody think it's possible she wants him to find out if she's talking about it so openly?


I've been cheated on, by both of my husbands.
With my 2nd husband, no one knew because of the way he structured his cheating. But I found out on my own soon enough.

I wish someone had told me in the case of my first husband. Lots of people knew. But... I would not want anyone to put things in their life in jeopardy to tell me.

You could lose your job over this. Since you talked to her about not having an affair, she is very likely to figure out that it was you who told him. Your job could be in jeopardy.

You are not obligated to put yourself in jeopardy for her bad behavior.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's laughing and bragging at work about making her husband a cuckold. She's made all her coworkers coconspirators in her illicit affair. Its already been established he is suspicious and therefore is going through misery and hell.

Only a sadist could sit on the side line and watch him twist in the wind. The kids are already affected by their ho moma. Dads suspicions will be spilling over on his kids and everyone around him.

For those that recommend doing nothing, you're equal to those people that see a woman being beaten on the street and do nothing. I'm disgusted. Thank God you don't have my back.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

It's basic human decency to tell that woman's husband despite any consequences. 

I'm not going to help that battered woman in the street, none of my business or 
there could be some bad consequences for me. 

This is where moral fiber and strong conviction come in. Doing the right thing despite consequences.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

"That includes if he physically harms his wife or himself."

And that would be HIS fault, not tattlers.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

If I don't know them closely, I'd stay out of their business. You have no idea what's going on in their marriage. They could have an arrangement that's private. I'd leave it alone e


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Use a public library computer to email him. Couch the info in a way to make it look like its from someone the om knows.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I've been on infidelity boards for 5 years. I've NEVER seen someone tell and have the "we have an arrangement" be the case. In every instance, the BS thanks the telling party and was oblivious or suspected something.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi tattler,

He knows alreagy there is a disconnect in his marriage. The fun chatter and simple affections are missing. Cheaters such as his wife often become faithful to the OM, leaving the BS alone and unsure of why their marriage is in a down cycle. They love and trust their spouse and don't even consider the possibility that an affair is taking place. They are "good little trusting spouses" and seek to give the WS space. 

The WS is stealilng his life. To say nothing is to condomn him to live a lie and condone her actions. 

You seem to indicate others at work know about the affair. Is this so? I have found that avoiding people that condone such actions makes for a safer and happier life.


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## Mrtruth (Aug 20, 2015)

Tattler give me the husbands phone # and email address along with any and all info I'll contact him and tell him that way no way anyone thinks its you


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Ps especially the sister.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I've been cheated on, by both of my husbands.
> With my 2nd husband, no one knew because of the way he structured his cheating. But I found out on my own soon enough.
> 
> I wish someone had told me in the case of my first husband. Lots of people knew. But... I would not want anyone to put things in their life in jeopardy to tell me.
> ...


Wow...I am so sorry to read that you have been a BS twice. 
Once is awful enough. I can't even imagine the sadness of having a second cheating husband. :crying: 

I hope that you have found peace after those traumatic events. 

I agree that the OP needs to be aware of the potential risks he is taking.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> It's basic human decency to tell that woman's husband despite any consequences.
> 
> I'm not going to help that battered woman in the street, none of my business or
> there could be some bad consequences for me.
> ...


You would possibly risk losing your job, exposing her to her H?


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> I've been on infidelity boards for 5 years. I've NEVER seen someone tell and have the "we have an arrangement" be the case. In every instance, the BS thanks the telling party and was oblivious or suspected something.


There are many couples who have open marriages these days. It is becoming more common than we realize.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Mrs.Submission said:


> There are many coupleus who have open marriages these days. It is becoming more common than we realize.


It's it the whole point of an open relationship to be open rather than be secretaries like this woman?


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Xenote said:


> It's it the whole point of an open relationship to be open rather than be secretaries like this woman?


Yes. However, her husband could be fully aware of her activities or maybe he is even into cuckolding. 

Stranger things have happened.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

D1C said:


> If I don't know them closely, I'd stay out of their business. You have no idea what's going on in their marriage. They could have an arrangement that's private. I'd leave it alone e


I'm pretty sure with everything else she's telling people, an arrangement would have come up. 

She has talked about him asking questions about where she's going and who she's talking to, being more clingy than usual and trying to get her to talk and spend more time with him. He's getting on her nerves because he always wants to spend time with her. 

What I know through the years; they married young, both each other's firsts, both very family oriented. He does a lot around the house, spends his free time with her and the grand children. Nice, soft spoken, would give a stranger the shirt off his back. 

As far as I know, the other coworkers have listened to her stories, not encouraging her or voicing opinions, but just listening. I do know from hearing them talk they don't agree with what she's doing and are as surprised as I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tattler,

One part of this horror is that the BH will likely have a broken marriage for the rest of his life with no understanding of what went wrong, he will blame himself and try many things to make his life right. He might figure it out if he gets an STD, but I hope it does not get that far.

On top of telling him what is going on, please direct him here, and advise him not to make a move until he does some reading. He should not confront as he has an opportunity to catch them in the act. Pass on some of the methods for snooping and investigation.

I wish someone who was in the know like you had told me about my Ws affairs.

Tamat


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Tattler said:


> I'm pretty sure with everything else she's telling people, an arrangement would have come up.
> 
> She has talked about him asking questions about where she's going and who she's talking to, being more clingy than usual and trying to get her to talk and spend more time with him. He's getting on her nerves because he always wants to spend time with her.
> 
> ...


If you know for sure she's creeping, tell him.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Tattler said:


> She has talked about him asking questions about where she's going and who she's talking to, being more clingy than usual and trying to get her to talk and spend more time with him. He's getting on her nerves because he always wants to spend time with her.
> 
> What I know through the years; they married young, both each other's firsts, both very family oriented. He does a lot around the house, spends his free time with her and the grand children. Nice, soft spoken, would give a stranger the shirt off his back.
> 
> As far as I know, the other coworkers have listened to her stories, not encouraging her or voicing opinions, but just listening. I do know from hearing them talk they don't agree with what she's doing and are as surprised as I am.


 By discussing this so openly with her co-workers, calling him "clingy", and saying such things as "He's getting on her nerves", she is humiliating and making a cuckold of him without him even knowing it. You must tell him ASAP.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> You would possibly risk losing your job, exposing her to her H?




IN. A. HEARTBEAT. And the battered woman, I'd beat him down too. I have no problem doing the right thing. Every action has a reaction, I'll take my chances. I've done bad and I've done good, far more good then bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mrs.Submission said:


> There are many couples who have open marriages these days. It is becoming more common than we realize.




The fact she has a burner phone I doubt it. But hey I'm all for OP calling her husband and asking in front of her!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'd just speak up. Provide him with the name of the OM and solid details he can prove.

Why should infidelity be honored in any fashion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I'm pretty sure with everything else she's telling people, an arrangement would have come up.
> 
> She has talked about him asking questions about where she's going and who she's talking to, being more clingy than usual and trying to get her to talk and spend more time with him. He's getting on her nerves because he always wants to spend time with her.
> 
> ...




Please tell this poor man. Or give me the info, I'll do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

drifting on said:


> IN. A. HEARTBEAT. And the battered woman, I'd beat him down too. I have no problem doing the right thing. Every action has a reaction, I'll take my chances. I've done bad and I've done good, far more good then bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are no hero's anymore, and the world doesn't care about Dudley Do-Rights, but hey knock yourself out, but don't complain when you lose your job or get sued.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I'd just speak up. Provide him with the name of the OM and solid details he can prove.
> 
> Why should infidelity be honored in any fashion?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




This sad excuse for a woman is not only trying to honor cheating but trying to be the queen of the club with her bragging. This has made me sick that she gloats at work and these other supposed humans stand there and listen. She shows photos of the OM's junk!!!! If ever a cheater needed to be taken down it this woman. Her poor husband is family oriented while she's family home wrecker oriented. Sad sad woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> There are no hero's anymore, and the world doesn't care about Dudley Do-Rights, but hey knock yourself out, but don't complain when you lose your job or get sued.


Fired and sued for sharing some information about infidelity?

Cool. Have to share some links to cases where that happened. Didn't realize cheaters were a protected class.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> This sad excuse for a woman is not only trying to honor cheating but trying to be the queen of the club with her bragging. This has made me sick that she gloats at work and these other supposed humans stand there and listen. She shows photos of the OM's junk!!!! If ever a cheater needed to be taken down it this woman. Her poor husband is family oriented while she's family home wrecker oriented. Sad sad woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. Real class act. To bad no one wants to put some peer pressure on this ridiculous woman.

Pretty embarrassing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

TATTLER,

Let it go, it's not worth it. As others have said, you could lose your job, and face possible litigation.

It's all on her , not you.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Fired and sued for sharing some information about infidelity?
> 
> Cool. Have to share some links to cases where that happened. Didn't realize cheaters were a protected class.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read all the posts, and stop skimming. May be you'll understand, but I doubt it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> TATTLER,
> 
> Let it go, it's not worth it. As others have said, you could lose your job, and face possible litigation.
> 
> It's all on her , not you.




The others at work listen to her stories but do not encourage her, so she wouldn't know who did it. It could be anyone that this tramp has told.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> Read all the posts, and stop skimming. May be you'll understand, but I doubt it.


Sure. Will do but if OP is only in fear with no legal reason to fear termination and being sued then I'll point that out.

This idiot women that is cheating and bragging about it while showing interesting evidence at work has a really great chance of all sorts of harassments filed against her with a lot of legal precedence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You could also make a junk e-mail account at the library and e-mail him enough details to uncover the affair himself.

Or you could report her to HR for making an uncomfortable work environment or you could just tell her to shut the hell up about her skankery and tell her to keep OM's penis to herself and if she was anything but a tramp, she would grow the hell up and tell her husband if she is so proud of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

The OP was not there for all the conversations she had with the other people. she received the info from a third party, hearsay.

No one knows what's on this woman's mind. The whole freakin' thing could be a scam.

Again OP, as others have said, walk away. Yes it's really sh!tty what's happening to her H, but that's life!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> There are no hero's anymore, and the world doesn't care about Dudley Do-Rights, but hey knock yourself out, but don't complain when you lose your job or get sued.




I don't do it for glamour, recognition, hero, or even for awards. I do what I do as it is the right thing to do. In my neighborhood I help anyone I can doing whatever they need done. I don't ask for money, I don't ask that they look at me as a hero. I am a simple man living in a house and raising a family. No different then my father, who was my hero, it's his character and I learned from him and now it's mine. Soon it will be my sons. Under many cases you are protected by the Good Samaritan act, nor am I afraid of litigation, that's my attorneys worry. 

The simple fact is that's who I am, I don't turn the other way, I go directly towards it, it's what I'm trained to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TATTLER,

How often have you heard her talking about an affair?

What solid proof do you have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drifting on said:


> I don't do it for glamour, recognition, hero, or even for awards. I do what I do as it is the right thing to do. In my neighborhood I help anyone I can doing whatever they need done. I don't ask for money, I don't ask that they look at me as a hero. I am a simple man living in a house and raising a family. No different then my father, who was my hero, it's his character and I learned from him and now it's mine. Soon it will be my sons. Under many cases you are protected by the Good Samaritan act, nor am I afraid of litigation, that's my attorneys worry.
> 
> The simple fact is that's who I am, I don't turn the other way, I go directly towards it, it's what I'm trained to do.


Would you be ok with losing your job and putting your family's well being at risk to tell someone that you heard their spouse talking about an affair?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> The OP was not there for all the conversations she had with the other people. she received the info from a third party, hearsay.
> 
> No one knows what's on this woman's mind. The whole freakin' thing could be a scam.
> 
> Again OP, as others have said, walk away. Yes it's really sh!tty what's happening to her H, but that's life!


Just giving my take on OPs post and she honestly has far less to worry about legally than the cheater but why are you so adamant that OP do nothing?

I've done plenty of exposing with no bad repercussions for myself.

I'm curious about your take on this. Dudley do right was an idiot. Your depiction of someone doing the right thing is off and humorous.

If someone lacks the strength to do the right thing or stand up to morons, I don't think that makes them particularly brilliant.

OP could do this anonymously if she wants to or she could just tell the village idiot to shut up at work.

She certainly doesn't have to just listen politely as the office dumb ass waxes poetic about cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Would you be ok with losing your job and putting your family's well being at risk to tell someone that you heard their spouse talking about an affair?


I honestly think the cheater depicted here is in a far more precarious position than OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

doobie said:


> The fact that she has children and grandchildren means that by telling the husband what's going on it will impact on all of their lives as well. I really think this is best left to her and her husband. I totally understand why you say it made your blood boil - but really I think that telling the husband could do so much damage to the whole family and there are kids involved. In this situation, I would put the kids first - it's not going to do them any good knowing that their mother (or grandmother) had an affair which resulted in a broken marriage. Even if the woman and her husband stay together after the disclosure, it could still have a detrimental affect on the whole family. LIke you say, we'll agree to disagree  - I always think it's best to put kids first in any situation, they're always the innocents who get hurt.
> 
> Both my mum and my dad had affairs while I was in my teens and I spent so much time listening to them arguing about this (and trying to involve us kids in the arguments). It did a lot of damage to me and my sisters, had a huge impact on our own relationships when we were adults adn I really would have preferred not to have to listen to all that crap going on. It also damaged our relationships with both our parents.


Just curious. Cheaters don't destroy lives exposure does?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I've done plenty of exposing with no bad repercussions for myself.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Were any of those situations similar to this? 

How did it turn out?

Would you do anything different?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I honestly think the cheater depicted here is in a far more precarious position than OP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It does not really matter what we think about what will/could go on in the company where the OP works.

Where I work, if any kind of personal drama goes on... everyone involved could be fired... yes, even someone who felt that they were doing the morally correct thing.

If someone is a very high value employee (like the only person who knows something technical) they might keep their job... but anyone else? Bye bye.

The OP knows the company they work for. I think that it's the OP who needs to decide what the ramifications would be on the job if, say, the cheating co-worker came to work and embroiled the OP is some huge drama... or was able to sabotage the OP's work.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

tpdallas said:


> Be prepared for any consequences.
> 
> That includes if he physically harms his wife or himself.


Or if husband gets a disease or becomes emotionally damaged, believing he is going insane or somehow the reason his marriage is failing.

Cheating does the damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BradWesley said:


> Read all the posts, and stop skimming. May be you'll understand, but I doubt it.


Just caught up and have the same POV.

I'm just someone who does the right thing and your either afraid of people like me because your dirty or your just incredibly afraid to do correct things yourself.

You have very clear disdain for people that are willing to do the right thing.

To each their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

LonelyinLove said:


> Just showing the photos is not of itself harassment (there are conditions that go with that as well as each companies policies). It is grossly inappropriate for anyone but a frat boy.


Are we talking about the United States? If so, a penis picture shown to a co-worker sure as hell rises to the level of sexual harassment. 

This falls under the "reasonable person" standard. Reasonable people don't go flaunting pictures of other people's junk at work.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> This sad excuse for a woman is not only trying to honor cheating but trying to be the queen of the club with her bragging. This has made me sick that she gloats at work and these other supposed humans stand there and listen. She shows photos of the OM's junk!!!! If ever a cheater needed to be taken down it this woman. Her poor husband is family oriented while she's family home wrecker oriented. Sad sad woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This just makes my blood boil. She is truly scum!

I hope that sweet husband of hers finds consolation in the fact that he is a man of integrity and loved deeply...he has no fault in having a wife that dishonored everything pure in her life for a piece of a$$.

He kept his integrity and vows til the end...he cannot control what $lut does.

Bibi


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

```

```



Bibi1031 said:


> This just makes my blood boil. She is truly scum!
> 
> I hope that sweet husband of hers finds consolation in the fact that he is a man of integrity and loved deeply...he has no fault in having a wife that dishonored everything pure in her life for a piece of a$$.
> 
> ...


We have no idea if her husband is a 'sweet husband' or a man of integrity. Her cheating does not automatically make him a saint.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Would you be ok with losing your job and putting your family's well being at risk to tell someone that you heard their spouse talking about an affair?




Simply put yes. But you also need to understand this, my family's well being would not be at risk. Could I lose my job? I honestly don't know, but if I did I could do the basically the same work on the civilian side for more money. So expose a cheater, give a man his life back, and get a raise. For the third time, send me the info and I'll do it. Every day of the week my answer is the same, YES, EXPOSE!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drifting on said:


> Simply put yes. But you also need to understand this, my family's well being would not be at risk. Could I lose my job? I honestly don't know, but if I did I could do the basically the same work on the civilian side for more money. So expose a cheater, give a man his life back, and get a raise. For the third time, send me the info and I'll do it. Every day of the week my answer is the same, YES, EXPOSE!!!!


I'm sure that you know that not everyone is in the position you are in. Some people in this economy are still having a hard time finding replacement jobs.

Like I said, the OP is the only one here who knows the company and their own life and the impact that losing a job would have.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> This just makes my blood boil. She is truly scum!
> 
> I hope that sweet husband of hers finds consolation in the fact that he is a man of integrity and loved deeply...he has no fault in having a wife that dishonored everything pure in her life for a piece of a$$.
> 
> ...




Welcome aboard!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> We have no idea if her husband is a 'sweet husband' or a man of integrity. Her cheating does not automatically make him a saint.


IMO he is both sweet and a man of integrity. Tattler described him and that was evident to ME.

Your're right in that her cheating does not make him a saint, I never implied that.

Bibi


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sure that you know that not everyone is in the position you are in. Some people in this economy are still having a hard time finding replacement jobs.
> 
> Like I said, the OP is the only one here who knows the company and their own life and the impact that losing a job would have.


 

You are correct, but I am highly suspicious that as long as OP does not use company material to send the information to the husband, OP's job is safe. Unless they have a code of conduct for off hours, such as DUI, committing a felony, OP's job is safe. As for a lawsuit, I doubt that would really happen. OP would know better though. Consult a lawyer, what could happen if you expose a cheater. In my opinion, not very much unless you lie about details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> We have no idea if her husband is a 'sweet husband' or a man of integrity. Her cheating does not automatically make him a saint.




If you read how tattler describes him he is family oriented, dotes on his wife to the point she complains as she can't go to OM's often enough, plays with his grand kids, I'm thinking he sounds like a pretty nice guy. Actually Ted Bundy was described as nice and mothers actually set up dates with him for their daughters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tattler,

How well do you know her husband? 

Do you socialize with them? If so how much time have you spent with them?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Looks like we have a thread jack going on.....

Thread jack is deleted.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Looks like we have a thread jack going on.....


Guilty. Sorry OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> If you know all these details which are pretty darn specific for someone who is a coworker and not a close friend. Why do you want to remain anonymous?
> 
> If you know all of this as fact and not gossip you should tell her spouse. Passing along anonymous information is cowardly and it makes it very easy for a cheater to dismiss said information as malicious gossip then cover the affair up accordingly.


Kinda uncalled for to call it uncowardly when you know zilch about the work situation OP is in. There are 100's of valid reasons I can come up with on why she wants to remain anonymous.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

*Tattler*, I don't think there's any reason to state my opinions on the matter of whether you should tell him and why. The way I see it is that ultimately, you'll either let him know, or you won't. I hope that you do let him know about the affair in which case I'll offer advice in that regard.

Since you want to remain anonymous, if you can somehow obtain his email address, I recommend you create a throwaway gmail account and email him. Include every and all the details you can think of, be specific (when what happened, where: locations, dates), provide a timeline of what you know of the affair, and inform him about the burner phone. Include everything that you've mentioned here, what she has said to the people she tells, how she talks about her husband, the details of the affair and how she has been conducting it.

Advice him to exercise caution and not to react prematurely. That he should investigate further on his own before confronting her and maybe even hire a professional to investigate her. Tell him that she will most likely deny and lie if he approaches her without concrete evidence.

In addition to that, since she's got herself a burner phone, maybe get one as well or call from an unknown number/payphone, etc and call him and tell him what's stated above. When you call, tell him that you want to remain anonymous and ask that he respect and protect your anonymity. Tell him to not disclose the call and the email and to not reveal his sources to her.

Good luck:smile2:.



Tattler said:


> Anybody think it's possible she wants him to find out if she's talking about it so openly?


Nah, she's just being arrogant and totally self-involved.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I dont know how some of people here can tell you not to tell him. Put yourself in his position and you could feel the pain.


This wife is one sick wife,cheating on husband of so many years together,cheating on her kids and grandkids. She is sick and what is worse she is even braging about it around the work.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> We have no idea if her husband is a 'sweet husband' or a man of integrity. Her cheating does not automatically make him a saint.


Absolutely.

One of my BFF's had an affair, I told her not too, but she did anyway.

Why?

Because her H, the guy everyone just loves and oh, and "isn't he just a great guy" and "Jean is just so lucky".... that man is really a porn obsessed, wife abusing, non-working idiot.

She won't divorce him because he is ill and has no insurance and she is the primary bread winner. She doesn't want him homeless and on the streets. She loves the man he used to be.

She had an affair because she, too, is human and needed that emotional and physical closeness her H denied her.

I do not feel one ounce of pity for her H. 

So Miss Tattletale, you DON'T know everything that goes on behind closed doors...Mr. Family Guy may spend every evening in his basement with his laptop watching porn and ignoring his wife and maybe, just maybe, someone came along that values HER, and she missed that attention so long that she just can't help herself from talking about it.

You are neither close friend or family, so again, butt out of something that is clearly not your business.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

BradWesley said:


> You would possibly risk losing your job, exposing her to her H?


Without a doubt.

Especially now that I am older, been thru it, and know that I would
want the same courtesy. Too many spineless people in this world.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

sparrow555 said:


> Get off your pretentious high horse. Not only is your advice sh!tty, you also seem very smug about it.
> 
> The reason you help him is the same reason you help a stranger on a road that is in an accident and is hurt. You do not have a responsibility, true. But it would be a decent thing to do.


The higher you are, the clearer the view.

This is apples and oranges compared to an injury on the road.

This is not a friend or a family situation, but a work issue. There are rules surrounding what you can and cannot do. Clearly the woman showing the photo's is in the wrong, but the people she shared the pics with will need to complain to HR and I imagine the most she will get is a warning.

Any discussion, gossip, or adverse actions toward the woman can be see as harassment, like it or not.

It is not the OP's call and it certainly is not your call to expose this situation. None of us, including the OP, have all the facts. Most of you calling for her head are running on knee jerk reactions. It may, in fact, be a total fabrication from a sad, lonely woman looking for attention. You can download a photo of a guys junk from the internet.

The woman, the H, the OM....all adults. They don't need some playground tattletale injecting herself, inappropriately, into their lives.


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> If you want to know what kind of person you are, take a look at your friends.




Is that in the same category as if your spouse has an affair, take a good long look in the mirror to see why?

Not everything is cut and dried. People are flawed, feeling human beings that crave emotional and physical closeness. 

Just like my friend Jean, very few people know what a louse her H is...but would condemn her in a minute if she threw him out, so he is free to live HIS secret life that leaves her in misery, is that right?

There are always 3 sides every story....his side, her side and the truth...and unless you know that...you don't know jack, and you need to MYOB. :|


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is not a question of whether it is the right or wrong thing to do but more of is it the decent thing to do. And the answer to that IMO is a resounding yes. Absolutely you should tell the husband.

She is showing pics of his penis to people at your place of work. This has probably reached the ears of management and even possibly HR. Why do I think that ? Because office politics, b!tch!ng etc is rife in offices and someone may have let this info slip out. That immediately is a firable offence.


The chances of HR firing you for outing her when so many others already know about it is almost minimal. All you have to do is capture her actions with your phone when she is flaunting her POSOM's body parts.


One of the posts here says that you have no obligation to protect someone else's marriage etc. This is like saying you have no obligation to protect someone else's well being and that may be true. But it is the decent thing to do.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler

Stick to the truth and the facts. Do not expose using any company resources. Do not expose on company time. Per an attorney you can expose and if you stick to the facts you are free of lawsuits. You could post her on cheaterville, as long as its truth, nothing she can do. Your company cannot fire you for what you do in your off time, unless it is written in their policies and procedures for conduct. Consult the policies and procedures, if there is nothing written you are free and clear. DO NOT USE COMPANY RESOURCES, IE COMPANY PHONE OR COMPUTER OR ANY OTHER ELECTRONICS. 

If clear of all the above, you can expose and neither her or your company can do anything. So expose if you feel it's what should be done. Follow your own instincts and moral compass. Some will agree and some won't. You are the best judge then any of us as to what type of man the husband is. We all know what the cheater is. 

If you think it's right and can't do it yourself or are worried about legal ramifications or job loss or whatever, send me the info and I will expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I'm still shaking my head at the her husband is a louse comment. Say's who? The cheater as her husband lays sick in the bed. I haven't met a cheater yet who's husband wasn't a louse. According to them, they all are.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

I think I'm closer to an answer. This is clearly a "do unto others" situation, and without a doubt I would want someone to reach out to me. 

I need to do the right thing, and if it turns out that I lose my job for doing that on my own time, well then I don't want to work there anymore anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Tattler
> 
> Stick to the truth and the facts. Do not expose using any company resources. Do not expose on company time. Per an attorney you can expose and if you stick to the facts you are free of lawsuits. You could post her on cheaterville, as long as its truth, nothing she can do. Your company cannot fire you for what you do in your off time, unless it is written in their policies and procedures for conduct. Consult the policies and procedures, if there is nothing written you are free and clear. DO NOT USE COMPANY RESOURCES, IE COMPANY PHONE OR COMPUTER OR ANY OTHER ELECTRONICS.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Thank you very much for this!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Tattler

You are very welcome, I wish you the best. If you have any difficulties or questions you know where we all!!! Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Did I miss exactly why you would lose your job? Not that I think you should brag about outing your co-worker, but if they found out it was you, why would they fire you? And if they did it because they "wanted to," legally you'd probably have a discrimination case.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Did I miss exactly why you would lose your job? Not that I think you should brag about outing your co-worker, but if they found out it was you, why would they fire you? And if they did it because they "wanted to," legally you'd probably have a discrimination case.


Several of the posters have stated I would be risking my job as part of the reason I should not expose. 

I'm not sure there's anything to it myself, but it is worth consideration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tattler said:


> I think I'm closer to an answer. This is clearly a "do unto others" situation, and without a doubt I would want someone to reach out to me.
> 
> I need to do the right thing, and if it turns out that I lose my job for doing that on my own time, well then I don't want to work there anymore anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly...

Money, jobs, popularity come and go.

But your character remains the same. Who do you want to be?


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

doobie said:


> their marriage may be unbearable for her due to factors that you know nothing about.


So she should cheat and then brag and display ****pix of her AP to the office? If her marriage is "unbearable" she needs to divorce. She's putting it out there, forcing this on her coworkers. Her husband deserves to know and she needs to realize if you go bragging and throwing this **** in people's faces, it's probably going to get out there.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Not everything is cut and dried. People are flawed, feeling human beings that crave emotional and physical closeness.
> 
> :|



Yup, and I'm the poster child...:smile2:


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> The picture Tattler paints


Bingo.

And based on your argument, how do you know she is not biased or working an agenda herself?

We don't.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> The OP is simply a bystander, she knows the wife from work. A corporate relationship does not give you insight into all the parties involved and does not give you the right to meddle. And yes, depending on the corporate environment, she could face penalties herself.


Tattler has every right because this woman makes her feel uncomfortable. She is not a bystander anymore, her unpleasant feelings are involved. She wants to do something about it, and SHE can. 

She tried to be the voice of reason when she talked to the cheater and the cheater of course did not want to hear her...futile I know, but Tattler tried.

The ball is in Tattler's court. She is trying to make an informed, well thought out decision that is first and foremost not going to get her in trouble. She wants to expose the cheater. Nothing wrong with that in my book, quite the contrary.

Bibi


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How do you have the contact information on the co-worker's husband?


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Bingo.
> 
> And based on your argument, how do you know she is not biased or working an agenda herself?
> 
> We don't.


I hesitate to engage you further, but for curiosity's sake, what have you seen in any of my posts that gives you the impression I'm out to get this woman? 

I'm concerned for her husband, would want someone to tell me, and simply wanting to do the right thing. 

To some, minding my own business is the right thing, to others saying something is the right thing. Most of the posts have been helpful, no matter which side of the coin they are on, are worth considering, and are appreciated. 

What is YOUR intention here? You've made your point that you don't think people should get involved. Fine. Unless I'm mistaken, your advice is stemmed on the fact that I don't know enough of the situation. Are you suggesting I should get to know this woman more closely, quiz her for how awful her husband really is, so that I can justify assisting her in hiding her affair?

You seem determined to brow beat anyone that disagrees with you. 

I think your intent is clearly stated in your signature line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> Tattler has every right because this woman makes her feel uncomfortable.
> Bibi


Then she needs to go to HR.

Again, this is a work issue.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> I'll do an assessment of our friendship just as soon as I get back from walking on water, until then, I'll resist throwing the first stone...


I love it!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tattler said:


> I think your intent is clearly stated in your signature line.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:wtf:

I love her signature line and totally uncalled for Tattler.

Bibi


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

If I were out to get her, I WOULD go to HR and have her fired. Problem solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I hesitate to engage you further, but for curiosity's sake, what have you seen in any of my posts that gives you the impression I'm out to get this woman?
> 
> I'm concerned for her husband, would want someone to tell me, and simply wanting to do the right thing.
> 
> ...


If you don't get my siggie line it means you missed the inside TAM joke. Sorry about your luck on that...it was pretty funny. 

You seem hell bent to out this woman whose only relationship with you is work. If you are made uncomfortable by her actions (and rightly so, she sounds like a loon) you go to HR. It is a WORK issue.

You, as a co-worker do not have the data, the information or the relationship to butt into her personal life. Not only is it inappropriate, it very well could get you in hot water as well. Sexual harassment charges extend to gossip and actions against a co-workers sexual preferences. The fact that you are a co-worker prohibits you from interfering in her personal sexual life, even if she does flaunt it, and you disagree with it. 

I do not agree at all with the sexual actions of some of my co-workers...but I do not work in a church or other faith based organization, so I keep my mouth shut. If someone was passing nudie photo's I might have to speak up (well, only if he was ugly...no, just kidding) and they insisted on showing me (than I would be impacted).

Why is this on my nerves so much....office drama. I've been a manager, my H is a manager (and he just went thru something similar with his staff). 

If you were a personal friend of the family, if you were family, than maybe you could talk to the H, but you are a coworker of the W. Talk to HR, tell her to keep her pics and stories to herself, but don't insert yourself into a situation that you have little knowledge of.

I do get your angst about the situation, really, I do. I'm not trying to be a pain, and I am looking out for you as well. :smile2:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tattler said:


> I hesitate to engage you further, but for curiosity's sake, what have you seen in any of my posts that gives you the impression I'm out to get this woman?
> 
> I'm concerned for her husband, would want someone to tell me, and simply wanting to do the right thing.
> 
> ...


LonelyinLove is not brow beating anyone. Instead she is has been attacked pretty badly on this thread, had her character attacked and been insulted by several posters. So she is defending herself. Everyone has the right to defend themselves.

She is making several points. One of her points is in response to posters assuming that your co-worker’s husband is a near saint. The fact is that the only person who really knows what he’s like in the marriage is his wife. Saying this is not an attempt to justify the affair. It’s simply stating fact that no one on this thread knows what he’s like.

Her other point seems to be that you do not have enough solid evidence to give her husband. It certainly is not clear from what you have said that you do. You have gossip that either someone else at work told you or you have overheard.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tattler, 

How do you know that she showed pictures of his privates at work? Did she try to show you? Or did other people in the office tell you that she did this?


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> If you don't get my siggie line it means you missed the inside TAM joke. Sorry about your luck on that...it was pretty funny.
> 
> You seem hell bent to out this woman whose only relationship with you is work. If you are made uncomfortable by her actions (and rightly so, she sounds like a loon) you go to HR. It is a WORK issue.
> 
> ...


Why didn't you just say so? Totally kidding. 

Seriously, I appreciate this response. Definitely some good points.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Why didn't you just say so? Totally kidding.
> 
> Seriously, I appreciate this response. Definitely some good points.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because it's easier to get to LA from San Fran via Portland, Maine?


....or something like that...:grin2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've deleted the second thread jack on this thread. 

Calling other posters names and disparaging their character is way out of line. 

*Anyone who continues the attack and thread jack will be banned.*


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tattler,

There is a reason adultery is punishable by death in Saudi Arabia, and a sense in which it represents an understanding of what is needed to hold a society together which we have lost in the west. 

I don't want to move there, and am a very western person, but all the same I recognize that such a society meets the needs of some ordinary people rather well.

How much less are you doing!

Tamat


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler, 

Bowing out of your thread, pm me if you have any questions. 

Best of luck to you. 

This is so sad on so many levels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Tattler,
> 
> There is a reason adultery is punishable by death in Saudi Arabia, and a sense in which it represents an understanding of what is needed to hold a society together which we have lost in the west.
> 
> ...


Ouch! Thank you Lord for making me Mexican American! You knew best all along...0 I like many others would be dead if we weren't who you made us out to be...You Rock God!

Bibi


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drifting on said:


> Three times I've stated if you give me the info I'll put her for the OP. I tell you what give me the name and date of birth I'll get the info myself.


You will find out all the facts about the affair based on a name and birthdate?


----------



## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Bibi1031 said:


> Ouch! Thank you Lord for making me Mexican American! You knew best all along...0 I like many others would be dead if we weren't who you made us out to be...You Rock God!
> 
> Bibi


Wow. I just laughed out loud in the cube farm!

:grin2:

Oh, and I'd be headless too...geez...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRy said:


> Few of us are assuming that the "husband is a near saint". We just pointed out that there was no indication that he was a bad guy, and that absent of anything to the contrary, it was not justified to speculate otherwise. I think that the whole "what was the cheated on spouse" doing or not doing that drove their spouse to cheat crowd miss the whole point, that at no point is it OK to cheat. Requiring that the cheated on spouse be perfect is not only unreasonable, but serves as cover to rationalize cheating.


There is at least one posters out clearly stated that her husband is a wonderful, sweet man. There were a few others who make similar but not so strong statements. 

If you did not make any such statement then replies about it being off base to assume that the husband is a near saint were not directed at you.



TRy said:


> You do not need proof to give the husband a heads up as to the office gossip that his wife is cheating on him. The husband can take it from there, as he is in a better position to investigate the matter than the OP.


True. But without proof, a person told will usually blow it off.

But it's useless for us to be arguing this. The OP has lots of input and can now decide for herself what she will do.


----------



## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LonelyinLove is not brow beating anyone. Instead she is has been attacked pretty badly on this thread, had her character attacked and been insulted by several posters. So she is defending herself. Everyone has the right to defend themselves.
> 
> She is making several points. One of her points is in response to posters assuming that your co-worker’s husband is a near saint. The fact is that the only person who really knows what he’s like in the marriage is his wife. Saying this is not an attempt to justify the affair. It’s simply stating fact that no one on this thread knows what he’s like.
> 
> Her other point seems to be that you do not have enough solid evidence to give her husband. It certainly is not clear from what you have said that you do. You have gossip that either someone else at work told you or you have overheard.


Thanks EleGirl. I appreciate the insight and will try to re-read the thread and see it in a different light. 

There's been a lot going on, and I've not had a chance to respond to much unfortunately.

No, I do not have any first hand knowledge of any physical affair. What I do know since speaking to her about the EA, I've only overheard, or been told by other coworkers. No, I have not personally seen any pictures, she knows better than to try that with me. 

I do know first hand about the burner phone. She told me about it and showed it to me, and said she had to as her husband had started looking at their phone records. Her husband had told her he wasn't comfortable with the relationship, and so she told him she wouldn't contact OM again. 

OM is an old "friend" from high school, before she met her husband. She told her husband he was ridiculous for being upset, and told us at work how ridiculous he was being by telling her she could not talk to an old friend. I could totally empathize with how her husband might be feeling, and tried to help her see she might be playing with fire. 

I've heard plenty since then of how the affair has progressed, visits, sisters involvement, and I think it's likely I've only heard a small percentage of what's going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Thanks EleGirl. I appreciate the insight and will try to re-read the thread and see it in a different light.
> 
> There's been a lot going on, and I've not had a chance to respond to much unfortunately.
> 
> ...




Wow!!!!! You know way more then enough to expose. I would most certainly expose because there is no excuse for cheating. Doesn't matter what the WS is like, doesn't matter if the marriage is good or bad. Doesn't matter if you like or dislike the WS or the BS, nobody deserves to be cheated on. OP does this woman make enough to support herself on the job that she has? I ask because if she doesn't, she is very reckless to gloat over her affair to coworkers, and in six months be crying because she's eating dog food for dinner. 

I'll PM you, I can't put the next paragraph on here for identification reasons.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Perhaps some of the posters are concerned that you do not know the inner dynamics of the WS marriage. I think the only time restraint from exposing an adulterous relationship is the concern for physical harm to the WS. Before I married we attend a week-end work shop. What really struck me is how the counserls kept coming back to the topics of domestic violence and substance abuse, again and again. 

For myself, if I found myself in this situation my goal would be to help her have both the means and become strong enough to leave the marriage. I would view the adulterous relationship as an attempt on her part to mistakingly look to others to fix an issue within herself only she can fix, which is why I think so many women in this situation keep having a relationship with the "same man". So they are right to urge caution, but I do believe you should take action with this concern in mind.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Wow!!!!! You know way more then enough to expose. I would most certainly expose because there is no excuse for cheating. Doesn't matter what the WS is like, doesn't matter if the marriage is good or bad. Doesn't matter if you like or dislike the WS or the BS, nobody deserves to be cheated on. OP does this woman make enough to support herself on the job that she has? I ask because if she doesn't, she is very reckless to gloat over her affair to coworkers, and in six months be crying because she's eating dog food for dinner.
> 
> I'll PM you, I can't put the next paragraph on here for identification reasons.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree drifting he has a right to know if his health is at risk and get an STD test asap!


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Thanks EleGirl. I appreciate the insight and will try to re-read the thread and see it in a different light.
> 
> There's been a lot going on, and I've not had a chance to respond to much unfortunately.
> 
> ...


Contrary to some people's beliefs, you do not have anywhere near enough evidence to approach her H.

You have no knowledge of a PA, only hearsay of an EA, you know she has a burner phone, which she can deny and dispose of.

You expose and you could open yourself up to being fired for gossip and spreading lies about her. Keep in mind there are others, who may be in her camp, and will lie to cover her ass.

Also, depending upon the severity, you could be looking at a libel and slander lawsuit.

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Thanks EleGirl. I appreciate the insight and will try to re-read the thread and see it in a different light.
> 
> There's been a lot going on, and I've not had a chance to respond to much unfortunately.
> 
> ...




Tattler,

I said I would PM the second paragraph but who gives a damn about hammers. It doesn't matter if the husband is a saint or a louse. Posters here are just trying to protect friends and justifying cheating. You could go so far as to say they are glamorizing cheating also. We can probably agree on this, the marriage must be bad for her to go cheat. So obviously he may not be a louse or a saint but truthfully that doesn't matter. What matters is cheating is wrong. It is your choice to expose or not and if you don't support or condone cheaters you will most likely expose her. 

So from me kudos to you for exposing if you do. If you don't, it's your choice. You have more then enough to expose, if you need help exposing send me a PM and I will gladly help you.

At the end of the day, the saddest part is that she is still cheating on her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

It's really sad that we are having to defend and justify doing what in my
mind is the right thing.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

For those concerned that this woman may be in an abusive relationship, please remember I've been listening to this very chatty lady for many, many years. I've heard stories about childhood neighbors, current neighbors, cousins, high school bus driver, brother and his ex wives, mom, dad and on and on that I feel like I might even recognize some of the family were they to walk in the door right now. Not kidding. Never once has she even hinted there might have ever been any abusibe aspect to her husband. In fact the exact opposite, he's so laid back its annoying to her. 

Only recently has he become "clingy" or suspicious or checking up on her, and I believe that's truly in relation to him finding out how often she had been talking with this guy, and his gut feeling that there's more than she's saying. 

As far as proof, I could walk in the break room any day this week at right about this time and take a picture of her talking on the burner phone. She's in there right now, as she is this time everyday, on that phone, talking to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Tattler,
> 
> I said I would PM the second paragraph but who gives a damn about hammers. It doesn't matter if the husband is a saint or a louse. Posters here are just trying to protect friends and justifying cheating. You could go so far as to say they are glamorizing cheating also. We can probably agree on this, the marriage must be bad for her to go cheat. So obviously he may not be a louse or a saint but truthfully that doesn't matter. What matters is cheating is wrong. It is your choice to expose or not and if you don't support or condone cheaters you will most likely expose her.
> 
> ...


To me, there IS no justification for cheating and lying like this to someone you love. If it's that bad, leave. Then you can move on with someone else. To justify anything you do as being because of something someone else does? That's cheap and the easy way out. 

I believe for the most part all this man is guilty of is marrying a woman too early, settling into a dull, boring, predictable family life, and now she is wishing she had done things differently before she settled down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would have absolutely no equivocations in passing along this earth-shaking information and evidence to the appropriate parties, so long as this information is the inconvertible and unfettered truth! As is, she seems to be the recipient of a "free ride" that she preeminently feels is her business alone, with accountability to absolutely no one!

IMHO, provided that the info and the data that you are now in possession of is truthful, it's fastly time to "cash her check!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> There is at least one posters out clearly stated that her husband is a wonderful, sweet man. .


Guilty!

And I never said Saint. I don't have the power to canonize anyone. No one can because the sweet wonderful man ain't dead yet.>

Bibi


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tattler said:


> For those concerned that this woman may be in an abusive relationship, please remember I've been listening to this very chatty lady for many, many years. I've heard stories about childhood neighbors, current neighbors, cousins, high school bus driver, brother and his ex wives, mom, dad and on and on that I feel like I might even recognize some of the family were they to walk in the door right now. Not kidding. Never once has she even hinted there might have ever been any abusibe aspect to her husband. In fact the exact opposite, he's so laid back its annoying to her.


When I was younger I worked at places where all of us, men and women talked about all sorts of things to include details of our personal life. 

Not once, in all those years did I tell anyone I worked with that my husband was emotionally and physically abusive. 

I did not tell my family and friends either. Most victims of abuse never tell anyone out of fear and shame. If I had told our friends, no one would have believed me. He's a soft spoken, seemingly gentle man. Some of my family would have believed me. But his family .. nope, they would think I was making it up.

The people who knew us in our private life did not know anything about the abuse. It only happened when he and I were home alone together. 

Nor did I talk about his cheating. He did not even tell his best friend. The people who knew about his cheating were the ones he worked with... most of whom were also cheating.

The only people I talked to about what was going on were counselors. They were the ones who helped me. When abuse only happens behind closed doors is cannot be proven. Most victims of emotional and physical abuse never tell anyone.

I'm not saying that her husband is bad/wrong/mean/etc/etc/etc. What I'm saying is that you have no clue what goes on in their home behind closed doors. She sounds like a woman who has no filter on her mouth. But who knows.



Tattler said:


> Only recently has he become "clingy" or suspicious or checking up on her, and I believe that's truly in relation to him finding out how often she had been talking with this guy, and his gut feeling that there's more than she's saying.


How did he find out how often she is talking with this guy?





Tattler said:


> As far as proof, I could walk in the break room any day this week at right about this time and take a picture of her talking on the burner phone. She's in there right now, as she is this time everyday, on that phone, talking to him.


A picture does not prove that she has a burner phone. All it shows is that she's talking on the phone. Now a voice recording + a picture would be good evidence.

In some places of employment, any picture taken inside the building is cause for firing. Where I work, that's how it is. A recording would be even more a cause for firing.

You know what is allowed where you work.

I'm not saying don't tell him. I've been trying to give you things to think of and consider so that if you do, you have your bases covered.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

Cheating is a terrible, abhorrent thing to do. There is no condoning it or excusing it. You can find a way to understand it, but understanding does not require that you agree with what they're doing.

At the same time, this isn't your life. You aren't her husband. You aren't her husbands friend. You don't know enough about him or their relationship to even know if telling him would be safe for her or her likely lover. You could unwittingly contribute to a murder suicide or work place shooting. You are not a caped crusader. Justice is not yours to meet out. This isn't your business.

I get why someone who has had their spouse cheat on them would get some enjoyment out of the pain it would cause the cheating woman, as though she is a proxy for their spouse, but that's not great justification.

Stay out of it. Unless the husband comes to you, or HR comes to you, go back to paying attention to your life and leave this person's to unravel on its own.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> Cheating is a terrible, abhorrent thing to do. There is no condoning it or excusing it. You can find a way to understand it, but understanding does not require that you agree with what they're doing.
> 
> At the same time, this isn't your life. You aren't her husband. You aren't her husbands friend. You don't know enough about him or their relationship to even know if telling him would be safe for her or her likely lover. You could unwittingly contribute to a murder suicide or work place shooting. You are not a caped crusader. Justice is not yours to meet out. This isn't your business.
> 
> ...


Why is it with cheating people tell you to mind your own business. 

However, if someone is getting verbally abused or bullied it's ok to do something about it. Does the same rules not apply. Should we mind our own business with bullies. Of course not.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Moral wranglings aside. OP didn't ask if it was the right thing to do. She asked how to do it.

Caution is always good advice but everyone that promotes looking the other way here quite simply was not asked.

Many posters think it is right to tip the husband off and many think not.

The ones that keep, laughably, trying to convince OP to not do it because she could be responsible for murder, are more than a little silly in pursuit of their own agenda which is not what the OP asked in the first place.

She is asking how to expose here.

She didn't ask for a debate on morality, which I foolishly got involved in. Sorry again OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Then she needs to go to HR.
> 
> Again, this is a work issue.


It's also a moral issue. It's not like the OP has been stalking this cheater or something. He (she?) is being force fed this info, and now it has become their business. Jam that **** down people's throats, and now that info is fair game.

Rat that skank out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Quoted from post #160



EleGirl said:


> I've deleted the second thread jack on this thread.
> 
> Calling other posters names and disparaging their character is way out of line.
> 
> *Anyone who continues the attack and thread jack will be banned.*


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Tattler said:


> For those concerned that this woman may be in an abusive relationship, please remember I've been listening to this very chatty lady for many, many years. I've heard stories about childhood neighbors, current neighbors, cousins, high school bus driver, brother and his ex wives, mom, dad and on and on that I feel like I might even recognize some of the family were they to walk in the door right now. Not kidding. Never once has she even hinted there might have ever been any abusibe aspect to her husband. In fact the exact opposite, he's so laid back its annoying to her.
> 
> Only recently has he become "clingy" or suspicious or checking up on her, and I believe that's truly in relation to him finding out how often she had been talking with this guy, and his gut feeling that there's more than she's saying.
> 
> ...



The "He must not be a saint" is a pretty sad argument..and it is disheartening to see the mod supporting it.


That is like saying to the person that I am disagreeing with "Who knows, you must be a pedophile. While there is no proof that you are one, there is also no proof that you are not one either."

It takes the focus away from the main issue. It diverts the argument onto a different direction. Usually politicians use things like these that to subvert their opponents. 

The most recent example I can think of is the porn ban in UK. Porn was banned as a measure to protect the children. To some internet activists this was an action taken in the pretense of noble intention, but through misdirected moves and totally ineffective. But the problem was, when activists started stating their concerns, they were attacked for supporting child porn or not caring for the children of the country.. It immediately takes the argument away from free internet, net neutrality and individual privacy to supporting child porn. It throws the other person into defense. Mission accomplished!!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You have gossip that either someone else at work told you or you have overheard.


That and the Penile Polaroid.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

I'm truly baffled by what's gone on in this thread. 
The deleted posts were nowhere near the level of some of the other postings which were actually encouraged. Most of them were actually helpful. 

I am going to do the right thing, and if it should backfire on me and my moral character no longer coincides with my workplace, then so be it. 

Bottom line, I would want to know. 

Thanks everyone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

good for you Tattler


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Healer said:


> That and the Penile Polaroid.


The OP does not have the Penile Polaroid. Nor did she see it herself.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

There's two separate issues being discussed:

1. Should you expose a potential moral failing of a coworker?
2. Should you inform a stranger of potential infidelity by their spouse?

[Note, I use the word potential because we don't really know what's going on with certainty. The coworker could be crazy making up wild details about a fictitious affair for all we know.]

As for exposing a coworker for something like this, I strongly feel that if you do it, do it anonymously. There are too many ways for your job to suffer if if they find out it was you. You could be accused of creating a hostile work environment or whatever excuse their lawyers come up with to fire you. 

And even if nothing happens to your job, you'll have to deal with the fallout from having to continue working with her and whatever she does to make your life difficult.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> We have no idea if her husband is a 'sweet husband' or a man of integrity. Her cheating does not automatically make him a saint.


Her cheating makes him a husband who is unaware that his wife of three decades is having an affair, deceiving him, manipulating him and deriding him to her coworkers.

It doesn't automatically make him a saint? Well who is? Seriously, enough of these 'we don't know his character' remarks. Why is his character in question as if he is somehow responsible or deserves this happening to him. Why aren't we assuming that in addition to being a cheater and a woman of no integrity, that she's all sorts of other things as well.

Those against her informing the husband, wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was being unfaithful?


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> Why is it with cheating people tell you to mind your own business.
> 
> However, if someone is getting verbally abused or bullied it's ok to do something about it. Does the same rules not apply. Should we mind our own business with bullies. Of course not.


I agree. I think it has to do with cowardice, and weak moral fibre and ethical values.

These people rationalize their unwillingness and inability to act or attempt at being decent. You'll hear all types of reasons and scenarios as to why one should do nothing and how it is no one's business. (In this situation, the gabby adulterer has made it the business of quite a few no ones, *Tattler* included)

These reasons and attitudes are a reflection of what is at the depths of their character and moral consitution. It's very doubtful that these people would involve themselves in a situation where someone was being verbally abused or bullied. You'd probably hear the same excuse as to why they shouldn't get involved.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Moral wranglings aside. OP didn't ask if it was the right thing to do. She asked how to do it.


Actually in Post #1 of this thread the OP stated "My question: how can I tell her husband and remain anonymous, and should I?" The "should I" means that the OP was asking if they should do it. Also, in case there was any doubt, the title of the thread is the question "Should I tell her husband". Discussing the OP's core thread question of should they tell is not a thread jack.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TRy said:


> Actually in Post #1 of this thread the OP stated "My question: how can I tell her husband and remain anonymous, and should I?" The "should I" means that the OP was asking if they should do it. Also, in case there was any doubt, the title of the thread is the question "Should I tell her husband". Discussing the OP's core thread question of should they tell is not a thread jack.


Sorry about that. It became clear as she posted that it was what she wanted to do. My bad.

Suggesting she might cause a murder or two was a bit over the top however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Those against her informing the husband, wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was being unfaithful?


Yes, of course. That doesn't mean that a stranger telling me wouldn't be acting recklessly or injecting themselves into a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them where they have too little information to know what will result.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry about that. It became clear as she posted that it was what she wanted to do. My bad.
> 
> Suggesting she might cause a murder or two was a bit over the top however.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except that two blocks from me, a month and a half ago, a man walked into a payday loan place and shot and killed two people (one of which was his gf) and then himself after learning of his girlfriend's infidelity. 

Is it very unlikely? Yes. But it's not pure fantasy either and the point is she knows so little about the husband or situation that she just can't know what is going to happen and has no ties to this man that elevate her responsibility to the level where those risks would be worthwhile.

This isn't her fight to win. She's not some deputized marriage police officer. She has no idea what she will trigger other than the satisfaction of "nailing a cheater".


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> True. But without proof, a person told will usually blow it off.


 They may blow it off at first, but once they get the heads up, there is a good chance that they will start paying attention and find out what is going in there marriage. The person doing the tipping off may not have proof, but once tipped off, the betrayed spouse is in a far better position to gather proof than the person giving them the heads up.



EleGirl said:


> But it's useless for us to be arguing this. The OP has lots of input and can now decide for herself what she will do.


 Since the title of the thread is the question "Should I tell her husband", answering that question is appropriate until the OP says that they have heard enough.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> Except that two blocks from me, a month and a half ago, a man walked into a payday loan place and shot and killed two people (one of which was his gf) and then himself after learning of his girlfriend's infidelity.
> 
> Is it very unlikely? Yes. But it's not pure fantasy either and the point is she knows so little about the husband or situation that she just can't know what is going to happen and has no ties to this man that elevate her responsibility to the level where those risks would be worthwhile.
> 
> This isn't her fight to win. She's not some deputized marriage police officer. She has no idea what she will trigger other than the satisfaction of "nailing a cheater".


People who blow the whistle or expose are not responsible for murders or suicides.

Had a friend take his life after his wife kept cheating on him. The pain he was feeling was her responsibility. Him taking his own life was his.

Whoever exposed her cheating was not responsible for the infidelity or the repercussions.

I had one man throw a 20lb. object at my head while threatening my life because I tossed his porn stash that he kept hidden in a shared company space. I didn't cause his behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> People who blow the whistle or expose are not responsible for murders or suicides.
> 
> Had a friend take his life after his wife kept cheating on him. The pain he was feeling was her responsibility. Him taking his own life was his.
> 
> ...


Responsible and accountable are not the same thing, though I too (and nearly everyone really) use them interchangeably by mistake. 

The killers/object throwers/suiciders are accountable, fully and solely so. But everyone that plays a role has -some- responsibility no matter how slight. The reality is that she doesn't know what will happen and other than a universal sense of justice or generic concern for his rights, has no reason to tell the husband. Her lack of knowledge about the situation and the potential risks, imho, outweigh any accountability or responsibility she has to inform the husband. 

I have a hard time believing she's doing this for a husband she doesn't know. I think it's much more likely she's doing it to meet out justice or to enjoy the misery that the cheater will (rightly) feel. 

I hate cheating as much as the next person, and I am the one that informed my father about my own mother's infidelity when I was a teen so I'm not entirely absent of any personal feelings about it. I just don't see her having good reasons and don't feel this is something she should get involved with nor has any business getting involved with.

Just my opinion. Genuinely don't mind disagreeing in a friendly manner with you and anyone else, as I can understand the desire and reasoning behind it also.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Throw away email accounts, or any computer correspondence can always be traced if someone really wants to find out who you are. IP addresses are attached to your correspondence making your location identifiable. 

To remain completely anonymous, (computer wise) you would have to go through a TOR browser and then a TOR throw-away email account.

Be safe and use a snail-mail remail service. They have remail services in several states in order to cover your location. 

Good luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> Responsible and accountable are not the same thing, though I too (and nearly everyone really) use them interchangeably by mistake.
> 
> The killers/object throwers/suiciders are accountable, fully and solely so. But everyone that plays a role has -some- responsibility no matter how slight. The reality is that she doesn't know what will happen and other than a universal sense of justice or generic concern for his rights, has no reason to tell the husband. Her lack of knowledge about the situation and the potential risks, imho, outweigh any accountability or responsibility she has to inform the husband.
> 
> ...


I don't believe an exposer is to be held accountable for the actions of others.

I forgot to mention that I have another friend whose wife cheated on him. Several people knew and kept quiet. He now has a lifelong STD. He had only been with her up to that point.

Would have been nice if someone had tossed him a warning.

Cheaters do definitely endanger their spouses.

I think someone has a right to choose to defend themselves. Cheaters don't just make harmful choices for themselves.

I believe someone has a right to know if their life or health are being endangered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I don't believe an exposer is to be held accountable for the actions of others.
> 
> I forgot to mention that I have another friend whose wife cheated on him. Several people knew and kept quiet. He now has a lifelong STD. He had only been with her up to that point.
> 
> ...


This is perhaps the best reasoning I've heard as to why someone should say something that is otherwise not involved. I don't know the percentages or likelihoods to full on agree, but this line of reasoning is substantially more defensible and passes the sniff test. I'd still recommend caution before just telling a random stranger.

And I agree, they're never accountable.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> Except that two blocks from me, a month and a half ago, a man walked into a payday loan place and shot and killed two people (one of which was his gf) and then himself after learning of his girlfriend's infidelity.


 Who told him? 


> She's not some deputized marriage police officer.


Hyperbole.



> She has no idea what she will trigger other than the satisfaction of "nailing a cheater".


We have NO idea what we will trigger in ANYONE with our actions. She has chosen to speak up and that's the way it will be.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Who told him?


Story didn't say (at least the stories I read did not). 



phillybeffandswiss said:


> Hyperbole.


Agreed, but the point is that she has taken no oath to report infidelity to co-worker's spouses. So if there is a responsibility there, it's generic and universal. Conan's STD reason is one good enough that if this were her only motivation I'd just wish her the best of luck and not debate it at all.



phillybeffandswiss said:


> We have NO idea what we will trigger in ANYONE with our actions. She has chosen to speak up and that's the way it will be.


We don't, but we're hopefully able to distinguish between actions likely to cause major consequences and those unlikely to. Best of luck to her with her choice.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> We don't, but we're hopefully able to distinguish between actions likely to cause major consequences and those unlikely to. Best of luck to her with her choice.


My earlier response fits here as well, just insert " major consequences..." etc instead of trigger. As we are going into a philosophical derail of weight of consequences I am out.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

This is becoming to "hamlet" she has been giving a good perspective on possible outcomes. Enough talk, please decide and let us know the outcome.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

johna said:


> this is becoming to "hamlet" she has been giving a good perspective on possible outcomes. Enough talk, please decide and let us know the outcome.


don't do it!!!!!

You'll be very sorry.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BradWesley said:


> don't do it!!!!!
> 
> You'll be very sorry.


No...no she won't be.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JustAFamilyMan said:


> This is perhaps the best reasoning I've heard as to why someone should say something that is otherwise not involved. I don't know the percentages or likelihoods to full on agree, but this line of reasoning is substantially more defensible and passes the sniff test. I'd still recommend caution before just telling a random stranger.
> 
> And I agree, they're never accountable.


I believe your advice for caution is certainly warranted.

OP should make certain she is safe. I actually wouldn't think less of her if she just dropped the exposure angle and told the office nut to shut it down at work.

I think if she approaches this from total anonymity it will at least give the husband a nudge in a direction he already suspects. If he is wise, he will do his own investigating and expose her himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> No...no she won't be.


Typical. You have nothing invested, so what the hell do you care.

Don't Do It


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BradWesley said:


> Typical. You have nothing invested, so what the hell do you care.
> 
> Don't Do It


I've had much invested more times than I care to remember, and I can't recall once where I had regrets for doing what I believe is right, regardless of what it cost me temporarily.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> I've had much invested more times than I care to remember, and I can't recall once where I had regrets for doing what I believe is right, regardless of what it cost me temporarily.


You like I have nothing invested in this scenario. What you believe is right, again has nothing to do with it.

Get over yourself


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BradWesley said:


> You like I have nothing invested in this scenario. What you believe is right, again has nothing to do with it.
> 
> Get over yourself


Whatever, man. You have a solid track record of this kind of self serving opinion, so I'm pretty sure very few around here with morals and values take your comments too seriously.

That being said, you can get over your own self.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> Whatever, man. You have a solid track record of this kind of self serving opinion, so I'm pretty sure very few around here with morals and values take your comments too seriously.
> 
> That being said, you can get over your own self.


I'm very comfortable in my own skin.

I doubt you can say he same.

Morals and values are very subjective. You can take them, roll them up and shove them where the Sun doesn't shine.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BradWesley said:


> I'm very comfortable in my own skin.
> 
> I doubt you can say he same.
> 
> Morals and values are very subjective. You can take them, roll them up and shove them where the Sun doesn't shine.


Morals and values are subjective? Perhaps in your world, but not mine. They are quite objective and concrete to me.

But, whatever helps you sleep at night.


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## Coachme (Sep 9, 2015)

I think the most important consideration would be, who is your loyalty too and what support can you provide that person at the moment. They are about to find out something that they may already have suspected or that may rattle their world. What supports do they need now and to get through this when it comes out? What can you do to build them up and help them recognize and rely on their natural strengths and resources.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> Morals and values are subjective? Perhaps in your world, but not mine. They are quite objective and concrete to me.
> 
> But, whatever helps you sleep at night.


I sleep like a baby at night. I could care less about the crap that might keep you awake.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BradWesley said:


> I sleep like a baby at night. I could care less about the crap that might keep you awake.


People with fluid morals and integrity usually do sleep well. I'll give you that one.

Sleep tight.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> People with fluid morals and integrity usually do sleep well. I'll give you that one.
> 
> Sleep tight.


Keep in mind there are more of us, than there are of you. 

Now try to get a good nights sleep thinking about that.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BradWesley said:


> *Keep in mind there are more of us, than there are of you. *
> 
> Now try to get a good nights sleep thinking about that.


And that is truly sad, but probably true.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

3putt said:


> And that is truly sad, but probably true.


I'm not going to rub your nose in it 3putt. You are a good guy


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## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

Tattler,

Expose anonymously with the help of the U.S. government and any fears regarding your job will not be an issue. Just use the USPS Restricted Delivery service and the exposure will be delivered to the addressee (BS) only requiring his signature. No one at your workplace will know thus rendering all job endangering fears irrelevant. 

Again I say she is stealing his most prized possession and that is his life. Expose and give him a fighting chance.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

Space Mountain said:


> Tattler,
> 
> Expose anonymously with the help of the U.S. government and any fears regarding your job will not be an issue. Just use the USPS Restricted Delivery service and the exposure will be delivered to the addressee (BS) only requiring his signature. No one at your workplace will know thus rendering all job endangering fears irrelevant.
> 
> Again I say she is stealing his most prized possession and that is his life. Expose and give him a fighting chance.


I'm leaning towards this suggestion, to send a letter restricted delivery. 

I want to give him enough information so that he doesn't dismiss it, but not enough to reveal myself. Obviously I was being facetious when I said I could take a pic of her talking on the burner phone. 

I'm going to tell him what I've heard, and then it's up to him to do what he likes with that info. I do want to discourage him from confronting her before he investigates for himself. She seems to be a little careless at the moment, and if he looks, he may find plenty of evidence fairly easily. I'd like to see if I can find out where she's keeping the burner phone before I do contact him. If he can find that, he should have everything he needs to know. 

I had thought I'd advise him to come here for advice and support, but not sure. 

Any other ideas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tattler said:


> I had thought I'd advise him to come here for advice and support, but not sure.
> 
> Any other ideas?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do give him this site. He will need it.

It would be a good idea for you to delete this thread as well. You got the advice you needed. You wouldn't want this traced back to you anyway.

Best of luck and keep the courage,

Bibi


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I'm leaning towards this suggestion, to send a letter restricted delivery.
> 
> I want to give him enough information so that he doesn't dismiss it, but not enough to reveal myself. Obviously I was being facetious when I said I could take a pic of her talking on the burner phone.
> 
> ...




Tattler,

If you delete the thread be sure to keep coming back to here. You can receive some PM's if you need any more help or advice. 

Also, I do not feel that I thread jacked here but if I did I do apologize. I had no intention of thread jacking and if it upset you again I apologize. You seem to be a fine person, one people can say it's an honor to call you friend. I appreciate that you have told us your decision and I think you are going about this in the right way. If you have any concerns about remaining anonymous, PM me and I will give you an idea. 

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler,

Also wanted to add that if you expose and the husband harms the wife or himself you are not accountable or responsible. Let me show you how this works. The WS should be held accountable for their consequences. The BS is responsible for his/her actions, whether it is harm to the WS or to themselves it is their responsibility. When I was suicidal and held my weapon to my Adam's apple, only myself is responsible for those actions. Even the WS is not responsible nor accountable for my own actions. 

Don't confuse this with the WS is held accountable for the consequences. My suicide or causing harm to the WS is my own responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Tattler,
> 
> Also, I do not feel that I thread jacked here but if I did I do apologize. I had no intention of thread jacking and if it upset you again I apologize.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was you? Yeah, I'm pi$$ed! Kidding! I couldn't figure out what was being considered thread jack or why. Some of the more helpful posts IMO were deleted. 

Only thing I was upset about was being called ms tattletale over and over, and being accused of wanting to get back at her for some reason, even though I never said anything that could be taken that way that I know of. Nobody explained why they'd said that, and I've no idea how they could come to that conclusion other than projection.

If I'd been upset with anything you said, I would've said so. I appreciate that you took the time to give your advice, and everyone else's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Tattler,
> 
> Also wanted to add that if you expose and the husband harms the wife or himself you are not accountable or responsible.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not too worried about him harming her in any way. No, I don't know everything about the inner workings of their marriage, no one does, apparently not even him. 

But, again, I work closely with this woman, have for many years. I've seen her children grow up, seen her grandchildren growing up, met her husband on many occasions. She doesn't have a filter and really likes to talk. 

That said, I'm so shocked to know she could do this sort of thing. Never would've thought that in a million years, so yes, I could be wrong about him, too, but no, I'm not responsible for his behavior either. 

I'll give him whatever info I have, and it's up to him to do with that as he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tattler said:


> It was you? Yeah, I'm pi$$ed! Kidding! I couldn't figure out what was being considered thread jack or why. Some of the more helpful posts IMO were deleted.
> 
> Only thing I was upset about was being called ms tattletale over and over, and being accused of wanting to get back at her for some reason, even though I never said anything that could be taken that way that I know of. Nobody explained why they'd said that, and I've no idea how they could come to that conclusion other than projection.
> 
> ...



Obviously, some folks get away with name calling and some folks do not.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

@Tattler you have army behind you,trust me on this one .

Keep us updated and remember this,you are doing the right thing,not only for this poor husband but also his kids and grandkids.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Thanks EleGirl. I appreciate the insight and will try to re-read the thread and see it in a different light.
> 
> There's been a lot going on, and I've not had a chance to respond to much unfortunately.
> 
> ...


It sounds like his gut is screaming at him.

his wife is abusing him with mental abuse yes infidelity is a form of mental abuse.

can even be considered physical abuse unless STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) dose not count even though you can die from some of them.
would this be considered domestic abuse? would it be anybodies business?

as buttpunch said if we see someone being bullied should we not say something? if I take what some people have said here maybe they did something to deserve it and therefore it is know of our business.

if you knew of coworkers children being abused would you tell anyone? people with less evidence of a child being abused have gone to the authorities.

some might say this is not the same because children can't take up for themselves, well neither can a a betrayed spouse that does not know all the facts.
does the betrayed spouse have a right *not* to get an STD that could kill him?


The only thing evil need to prevail is for good men and women to do nothing.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BradWesley said:


> Keep in mind there are more of us, than there are of you.


 I doubt that. I find that there are a lot more people with solid moral values than some people think. They just do not advertise it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BradWesley said:


> You can take them, roll them up and shove them where the Sun doesn't shine.


 Do you really think making such a statement is appropriate?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> We have no idea if her husband is a 'sweet husband' or a man of integrity. Her cheating does not automatically make him a saint.


No, it doesn't. How is that relevant?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Her cheating makes him a husband who is unaware that his wife of three decades is having an affair, deceiving him, manipulating him and deriding him to her coworkers.
> 
> It doesn't automatically make him a saint? Well who is? Seriously, enough of these 'we don't know his character' remarks. Why is his character in question as if he is somehow responsible or deserves this happening to him. Why aren't we assuming that in addition to being a cheater and a woman of no integrity, that she's all sorts of other things as well.
> 
> Those against her informing the husband, wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was being unfaithful?


Yeah, I kinda get the (not very) subliminal "he probably is a ****ty husband and brought it on himself" vibe too.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tattler said:


> I had thought I'd advise him to come here for advice and support, but not sure.
> 
> Any other ideas?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you do give him this site, you would want to delete this thread or it would give you away, especially if he showed his wife the letter and she came here.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I do know first hand about the burner phone. She told me about it and showed it to me, and said she had to as her husband had started looking at their phone records.


I would just tell the BH that she found another method of communication with the OM because he started looking at her phone records. (i.e. I would not mention the burner phone). If she only showed you the burner phone it may lead her to you. Not telling him about the burner phone will lead away from you as a suspect.


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> If you do give him this site, you would want to delete this thread or it would give you away, especially if he showed his wife the letter and she came here.


Thanks. If I do advise him to come here, I'll definitely do that. 

I know he would get some great advice, help with his investigation, etc., but I also know he's likely to get beat up by some of the posters- and that's why I'm hesitant on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

Graywolf2 said:


> I would just tell the BH that she found another method of communication with the OM because he started looking at her phone records. (i.e. I would not mention the burner phone). If she only showed you the burner phone it may lead her to you. Not telling him about the burner phone will lead away from you as a suspect.


All of our work group know about the phone. You're right though, it might only be us that know and that might really clue her in to where he got the info. Thanks for pointing that out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

Healer said:


> Yeah, I kinda get the (not very) subliminal "he probably is a ****ty husband and brought it on himself" vibe too.


Not very, indeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tattler said:


> Thanks. If I do advise him to come here, I'll definitely do that.
> 
> I know he would get some great advice, help with his investigation, etc., but I also know he's likely to get beat up by some of the posters- and that's why I'm hesitant on that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's a lot more good than bad here. He was cheated on, this will really help around here. Most of us have been cheated on so we totally empathize in that respect.

Bibi


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

TRy said:


> Do you really think making such a statement is appropriate?


I'm having difficulty figuring out myself why that sort of comment is ok and others are not. Seems to be which side of the fence you're on. 

I'd hate to see the husband subjected to that.

FOR CLARITY, I was referring to the quote TRy was responding to, not TRys comment. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

convert said:


> It sounds like his gut is screaming at him.
> 
> 
> The only thing evil need to prevail is for good men and women to do nothing.


Hit the nail on the head!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tattler said:


> I'm having difficulty figuring out myself why that sort of comment is ok and others are not. Seems to be which side of the fence you're on.
> 
> I'd hate to see the husband subjected to that.
> 
> ...


It gets difficult for the mods to keep up. They don't read every post. If a post isn't reported, they might not be aware of it. It is up to us, the members, to report posts that violate TOS. A lot of people are hesitant to do that. It's not some people get away with things and others don't. It is about what the mods are aware of and other factors, like was it an argument or out of the blue. Who was over the top and who wasn't. The possibilities go on and on.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Is the OM married?


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Is the OM married?


Yes he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Yes he is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Two informational packets???!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I sent you a PM with some identity tricks you may want to think about. Let me know if I can help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Two informational packets???!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Possibly, but I'll need to see if I can get some more details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I deliberately stayed away from this thread.

Most of the time, I toe the TAM party line to expose infidelity. In THIS case, however, I suggest you mind your own beeswax.

You aren't a friend, a relative, or a close confidante.

Listen to @LonelyinLove... Butt out.

Don't meddle into an "almost-stranger's" life. You don't know jack shyt about this woman OR her husband except the lies she has chosen to spew and twist. 

You have no legal standing and no dog in this fight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

I find it so odd that the people who think I should say something are so respectful about it, and most that say I shouldn't are so hateful. 

Why is that? No empathy? 

Would you not want someone to tell you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tattler (Sep 21, 2015)

I won't be back. Cannot understand why this type of thing is tolerated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

send email from anonymous device from anonymous location.

use a fake email account!


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I won't be back. Cannot understand why this type of thing is tolerated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, goodbye


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Tattler, I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one that feels the way you do.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/267130-life-funny.html


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't know why this poster had to be chased away....

People come here for advice and support. Shame on some of you for chasing a new poster away. This poster asked a question and remained respectful throughout the entire thread. 

Unbelievably disappointed tonight to come here and see where this thread has gone. 

Tattler, the world will still turn whether you tell your co-worker's husband or not. You are not responsible for any actions. You are just passing along information he may or may not want. Your co-worker is blowing up her own life and with her blabbering mouth, her husband will most likely find out with or without you. 

I wish someone would have told me. I would not care if it came from an anonomous source. I think it's a courageous thing to do no matter what your motivation is. I personally don't think what your motivation is even matters. 

When I had the chance to expose an affair, I didn't have the courage. I felt it was the right thing to do but I couldn't do it. 

I support your decision to expose to her husband but understand if you don't. Ultimately it's your decision. 

A lot of times, posters here are supportive, informative, and helpful. I can't understand what happened or why. 

Best of luck whatever you decide.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Score another win for the almight all knowing Brad.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> Possibly, but I'll need to see if I can get some more details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Since these two are so smart, tell the OMW what time they usually talk!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tattler said:


> I won't be back. Cannot understand why this type of thing is tolerated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Tattler, 

Infidelity is a very troubling subject for many people and for many different reasons. It brings back many emotions to the surface and our pain is a large reason we are so adamant about what is right or what is wrong. Posters will bicker back and forth with their reasons as to what should be done. Some posters, me included, become absorbed and fire off comments while absorbed in the moment. I got into it with several posters, my opinion as well as theirs would not be swayed. The posters I got into it with have their beliefs, just as I have mine. My beliefs are sacred as I imagine they are for the other posters. 

Having a forum such as TAM is very useful, and at times tempers flare and comments made. I implore you to draw on your strength to remain here, become a poster who can share the positives and negatives of your story. Each poster here brings some sort of uniqueness to every thread. This is whether you agree or disagree with a poster, each has a message or opinion to share. Provided you stay I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how helpful this forum can be for you. 

From your posts, regardless of your decision, you come across as a good person who cares about people. I can see you are passionate about personal beliefs. I hope you stay. 

Best of luck to you and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd want to know, and I wouldn't care who told me, whether or not it was his or her "business", etc.


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