# What do you think?



## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

My husband has told me that just because two people are married to each other, that neither of them should never be expected to bend over backwards for the other. Pretty much should never sacrifice anything for their wives/husbands. What do you all think of this. 

Thanks.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

lee2012 said:


> My husband has told me that just because two people are married to each other, that neither of them should never be expected to bend over backwards for the other. Pretty much should never sacrifice anything for their wives/husbands. What do you all think of this.
> 
> Thanks.


I agree that couples should not bend over backwards for the other. 
However, to think that there will never be any sacrifice at all would be naïve.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> I agree that couples should not bend over backwards for the other.
> However, to think that there will never be any sacrifice at all would be naïve.



Thanks for replying. I guess then that I've been wrong in bending backwards for my husband. It's just that my husband likes it that I do that for him. But never does it for me. So now I won't be doing that anymore.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

lee2012 said:


> Thanks for replying. I guess then that I've been wrong in bending backwards for my husband. It's just that my husband likes it that I do that for him. But never does it for me. So now I won't be doing that anymore.


Yes you are wrong if you are expecting something in return. Do something nice because you want to. 

When you do something and expect something in return we call that a covert contract. Then you get angry when he doesn't react the way you want him too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think that would have been an ideal conversation to happen before marriage.

Think about what kind of father a man with that attitude would make before you bend over forwards for him.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> My husband has told me that just because two people are married to each other, that neither of them should never be expected to bend over backwards for the other. Pretty much should never sacrifice anything for their wives/husbands. What do you all think of this.
> 
> Thanks.


I agree, it is called C O M P R O M I S E. 

Give a little get a little.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Hicks said:


> I think that would have been an ideal conversation to happen before marriage.
> 
> Think about what kind of father a man with that attitude would make before you bend over forwards for him.


Hi Hicks. Yes we did have a conversation about this before marriage. As a matter of fact he was the one who said that he would go above and beyond for me provided that I felt the same. And yes I do feel the same way. I've always do things that will make things easier for him and do go out of my way for him. But for some reason he says that he has a change of heart and feels that he shouldn't do it for me.

His statement has left me thinking twice about my marriage to him.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> I agree, it is called C O M P R O M I S E.
> 
> Give a little get a little.


I've always been compromising with him. Thing is he wants it all his way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Straighten it all out now before resentment and bitterness ruins your feelings for him. I don't really know how to do the straightening out part other than pitch a big fit and let him know you aren't happy and thinking twice about marrying him. Just do it when you're not mad so he will understand the seriousness if your beef.

But no, you shouldn't bend over backward and expect something in return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> Hi Hicks. Yes we did have a conversation about this before marriage. As a matter of fact he was the one who said that he would go above and beyond for me provided that I felt the same. And yes I do feel the same way. I've always do things that will make things easier for him and do go out of my way for him. But for some reason he says that he has a change of heart and feels that he shouldn't do it for me.
> 
> His statement has left me thinking twice about my marriage to him.


I think you _should _be thinking twice about your marriage to him.

My SO goes out of his way for me, and I do the same for him. I couldn't imagine it any other way. I wouldn't want to imagine it any other way. That's what spouses, family, friends, and friends who become family do for each other. If we don't go out of our way for our spouses and loved ones, who do we go out of our way for? Marriage is a _team _sport.

If he used to see it that way, but now doesn't, then he's fundamentally changed his perspective on what marriage means and how much he is willing or interested in having a strong marriage. He wants you to go out of your way for him while he does as little as possible. WTF is that? And both of you doing little just leads to a dead-end. 

I'd say your marriage is in trouble. I'd start with trying to understand what has changed. Did he just suddenly turn into an asshat? Has there been some crap going down in your marriage?


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Straighten it all out now before resentment and bitterness ruins your feelings for him. I don't really know how to do the straightening out part other than pitch a big fit and let him know you aren't happy and thinking twice about marrying him. Just do it when you're not mad so he will understand the seriousness if your beef.
> 
> But no, you shouldn't bend over backward and expect something in return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Evinrude58 we are married already. I have brought it up with him and he feels that because he works and is home physically that it should be enough for me. I do things for him because I want to. But when I need his help he says that there is nothing that he can do for me. I just don't talk to him about it anymore and just thinking if I should stay married to someone like him. I've invested so much of my time and energy into my marriage for about 10 years now, so I'm seriously thinking of just letting him go. He's happy with me and my family bending over backwards for him.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Lee2012 pull away subtly and DONT tell him. 

Then observe. Then pull away more. 

Act happy, do things for yourself that bring you happiness.

Start a new hobby. 

Stop doing what is not working.

Stop all complaining, nagging, questioning, just stop all negative behavior.

Stop focusing on what he is not doing.

See what happens.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Yes you are wrong if you are expecting something in return. Do something nice because you want to.
> 
> When you do something and expect something in return we call that a covert contract. Then you get angry when he doesn't react the way you want him too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not that I expect something in return. I do it because I always thought that is what two married people do for the one that they love and for one another. I'm asking this question because I've always gone out of my way to please him and everything and he's happy with me bending backwards for him.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lee2012 said:


> My husband has told me that just because two people are married to each other, that neither of them should never be expected to bend over backwards for the other. Pretty much should never sacrifice anything for their wives/husbands. What do you all think of this.


 He just told you that you are in a marriage of convenience, and that should you get ill or have some other bad thing happen, he will not be there for you. Maybe you should not bend over backwards, but you do need to be willing to make sacrifices for the other. Although this is the way that he thinks, I am guessing that by you even asking the question this is not how you think. Thus he knows that if he needs you, you will be their for him, without him having a similar obligation in return. Do not have children with this man. Tell him that you want to be his girlfriend and still live with him, but that you no longer want to be married to him since his idea of marriage is not really marriage.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

norajane said:


> I think you _should _be thinking twice about your marriage to him.
> 
> My SO goes out of his way for me, and I do the same for him. I couldn't imagine it any other way. I wouldn't want to imagine it any other way. That's what spouses, family, friends, and friends who become family do for each other. If we don't go out of our way for our spouses and loved ones, who do we go out of our way for? Marriage is a _team _sport.
> 
> ...


Hi Nora, all that you and your SO do for each other is the same way that I believe. Yes my marriage is in trouble and has been for quite sometime now. I always have been loving, caring and loyal to him and just don't understand why he treats me the way he does, slot of the time he tells me I'm crazy when I try and talk about what is going on. I'm going to give it some time but if things stay the same then I'm ending the marriage.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

TRy said:


> He just told you that you are in a marriage of convenience, and that should you get ill or have some other bad thing happen, he will not be there for you. Although this is the way that he thinks, I am guessing that by you even asking the question this is not how you think. Thus he knows that if he needs you, you will be their for him, without him having a similar obligation in return. Do not have children with this man. Tell him that you want to be his girlfriend and still live with him, but that you no longer want to be married to him since his idea of marriage is not really marriage and you want to keep your options open.



Hi TRy we are already married and yes I feel that he will not be there when I need him the most. As a matter of fact I have been diagnosed with something serious and I really needed him to be there for the rest of the news about my illness and he chose not to take a day off to be there with me. I went and faced the news alone and as a nervous wreck and could not even drive myself home.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> Lee2012 pull away subtly and DONT tell him.
> 
> Then observe. Then pull away more.
> 
> ...


Thanks HiRoad, I have started by going back to college, at least that's a start for me. I have some serious thinking to do, and yes I have started doing a hobby that makes me happy and keeps me busy. I really can't wait to start school in 2 months though.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes you go out of your way, above and beyond, etc., for you partner. Sometimes they need it, and if they reciprocate when you need the same consideration, all is well. Bending over backwards constantly is a recipe for resentment and dysfunction, though. It's better to be on the same page about most things, compromise where necessary, and support each other when needed. A partnership sometimes means sacrifice by one more than the other - for a while, but not for always.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I think you would benefit from the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters." You have to know what each other's most important needs are, and avoid hurting each other. Have you said something like "I would appreciate it if you would come to this important Doctor's appt. with me because I am scared?" If at all possible, I have been there with my hubby through a chronic illness, and he has been there for me through my mental illness. Sometimes it isn't possible to do everything a partner asks or needs, but if you both do all you possibly can, it creates a bond like no other. At least that is my experience.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

I think if We didn't sacrifice things for each other we would be divorced by now. Actually, I don't think; I know.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

scatty said:


> I think you would benefit from the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters." You have to know what each other's most important needs are, and avoid hurting each other. Have you said something like "I would appreciate it if you would come to this important Doctor's appt. with me because I am scared?" If at all possible, I have been there with my hubby through a chronic illness, and he has been there for me through my mental illness. Sometimes it isn't possible to do everything a partner asks or needs, but if you both do all you possibly can, it creates a bond like no other. At least that is my experience.


When I found out about my illness I told him about it and let him know my fears about it. He knew a month in advance about my appt. Then I reminded him a week before my appt date, then the day before he told me that he could not because making money was more important. I have always been there fir him and the one time that I truly needed him he couldn't do it.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

thebirdman said:


> I think if We didn't sacrifice things for each other we would be divorced by now. Actually, I don't think; I know.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Looks like i'm headed down that road soon.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

been there, done that, nearly cost me a marriage. I used to be the same as your husband, never saw what it was doing to my wife. I've opened my eyes a lot over the last year and now neither of us has to break their back for the other and expect nothing in return. marriage should be BOTH parties giving equally without keeping score.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lee2012 said:


> Hi TRy we are already married and yes I feel that he will not be there when I need him the most. As a matter of fact I have been diagnosed with something serious and I really needed him to be there for the rest of the news about my illness and he chose not to take a day off to be there with me. I went and faced the news alone and as a nervous wreck and could not even drive myself home.


 When I said that "should you get ill or have some other bad thing happen, he will not be there for you" it saddens me to hear that you are actually sick, and that he is not in fact there for you in dealing with your illness. His comments about how married people should not have to make sacrifices for their spouse, makes complete sense now that I see that he is trying to rationalize being selfish. I am sorry that you are now having to deal with this alone. Focus on getting better, and deal with your husband later when you are better able to.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

happy2gether said:


> been there, done that, nearly cost me a marriage. I used to be the same as your husband, never saw what it was doing to my wife. I've opened my eyes a lot over the last year and now neither of us has to break their back for the other and expect nothing in return. marriage should be BOTH parties giving equally without keeping score.


Actually I never complained about all the things I did for him, I did it because we were married and he always said that it was all for the marriage. So I had no problem doing things. But he told me that he had a problem doing it. I never kept score on what I did, but he would always remind me that he pays for the and that. He even goes as far as calculating everything he has ever paid and tell me what HE spent for the entire year. But I guess my contributions mean nothing to him.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

yep, that is keeping score. He needs to open his eyes and think about marriage. From the sound of it he is not doing so currently, only concerned with controlling you.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

TRy said:


> When I said that "should you get ill or have some other bad thing happen, he will not be there for you" it saddens me to hear that you are actually sick, and that he is not in fact there for you in dealing with your illness. His comments about how married people should not have to make sacrifices for their spouse, makes complete sense now that I see that he is trying to rationalize being selfish. I am sorry that you are now having to deal with this alone. Focus on getting better, and deal with your husband later when you are better able to.


Thank you TRy. I believe his a selfish person and just cares about his own needs. I'm seeing him for who he truly is. I am trying to focus on getting better, and I try not to think of my illness. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm better off without him.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Bend over backwards every day? That would not be good.

But NEVER bend over backwards? That would be bad.

Sure there is compromise but if you really value and are into your spouse, there are those times when you will do those things that you would not do for others. That's what marriage is about. 

And yes, in marriage there is sacrifice and compromise. 

Your husband is a piece of work. You need to stop being a doormat to him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look up the 180 and start it. It will allow you to detach from him and if he doesn't notice he's blind. The 180 is for you to be able to build a life on your own should you decide you don't want to be married to him any longer.

Frankly, he has decided that he is top dog and you're the serving wench. Stop cooking for him, stop doing the laundry, stop reminding him of appointments. In short, just stop acting like you're married to him. Who cares if he's home at night if he's going to act like a guest in a hotel.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> _*Look up the 180 and start it.*_ It will allow you to detach from him and if he doesn't notice he's blind. The 180 is for _*you *_to be able to build a life on your own should you decide you don't want to be married to him any longer.
> 
> Frankly, he has decided that he is top dog and you're the serving wench. Stop cooking for him, stop doing the laundry, stop reminding him of appointments. In short, just stop acting like you're married to him. Who cares if he's home at night if he's going to act like a guest in a hotel.


This is a MUST not for him for YOU.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

happy2gether said:


> yep, that is keeping score. He needs to open his eyes and think about marriage. From the sound of it he is not doing so currently, only concerned with controlling you.


Yes it is. I have felt that he is trying to control me. He even resets the mileage thing every time I am the one using my own car.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Bend over backwards every day? That would not be good.
> 
> But NEVER bend over backwards? That would be bad.
> 
> ...


You're right and what you said s exactly how I feel and believe when it comes to marriage. But he doesn't see it that way.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Bend over backwards every day? That would not be good.
> 
> But NEVER bend over backwards? That would be bad.
> 
> ...


You're right and what you said is exactly how I feel and believe when it comes to marriage. But he doesn't see it that way. Someone has told me that he is just outright selfish and that it's all about him.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> My husband has told me that just because two people are married to each other, that neither of them should never be expected to bend over backwards for the other. Pretty much should never sacrifice anything for their wives/husbands. What do you all think of this.
> 
> Thanks.


I think no one should be a doormat in a relationship but as long as BOTH people are giving equal effort than that's what matters. If both of you put in 100% fine. If both of you only want to put in 20% and are okay with that fine.

But if your giving 100% and he's giving 20%, you need to return only 20%. And if you only want to give 100% and he only wants to give 20% then you should file of divorce because you are incompatible.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Look up the 180 and start it. It will allow you to detach from him and if he doesn't notice he's blind. The 180 is for you to be able to build a life on your own should you decide you don't want to be married to him any longer.
> 
> Frankly, he has decided that he is top dog and you're the serving wench. Stop cooking for him, stop doing the laundry, stop reminding him of appointments. In short, just stop acting like you're married to him. Who cares if he's home at night if he's going to act like a guest in a hotel.


Thanks Blondilocks, I will look it up. I have started some of what you said that I should not do for him. I have started to do my own laundry and not his. I do cook my own meals just for me. I actually do not feel like a wife anymore, so I'm seriously starting to do things that will help me once I leave him. I have started to put some money away and going to get some classes that will help me to get a job that pays well.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> I think no one should be a doormat in a relationship but as long as BOTH people are giving equal effort than that's what matters. If both of you put in 100% fine. If both of you only want to put in 20% and are okay with that fine.
> 
> But if your giving 100% and he's giving 20%, you need to return only 20%. And if you only want to give 100% and he only wants to give 20% then you should file of divorce because you are incompatible.


Correct....

You bend over backwards and "expect a return" from him. You don't get it and become resentful. Resentment is no way to live. Either quit giving so much or leave.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> My husband has told me that just because two people are married to each other, that neither of them should never be expected to bend over backwards for the other. Pretty much should never sacrifice anything for their wives/husbands. What do you all think of this.
> 
> Thanks.


When two people interact, there is bound to be a difference of opinions and some measure of conflict. This is true for ALL human interaction (not just marital) and how we deal with it makes all the difference.

A healthy amount of sacrifice and compromise is required in every marriage. Emphasis on HEALTHY. For example: I want to move to Location A which is only 5 minutes away from my work place. Husband wants to move to Location B which is 20 minutes away. He gives me a list of reasons why life would be easier for him...I care about him and also want him to be happy so I am willing to commute an extra 15 minutes a day. (Sounds like in these sorts of cases, your husband would be saying, "My way or the highway" which is unreasonable to say the least. That isn't realistic.)

An unhealthy sacrifice would be, something like: An intolerable living situation such as living with my husband's mother and siblings for 3 years (which I did), because that's what made him happy. It made me miserable, though. I decided to put his happiness first and it was a bad decision which ultimately cost us our marriage. I bent over backwards until I broke.

Healthy vs. unhealthy.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Correct....
> 
> You bend over backwards and "expect a return" from him. You don't get it and become resentful. Resentment is no way to live. Either quit giving so much or leave.


I hear what you're saying ButtPunch, but HE was the one who said that HE would only be married to someone who believed in bending over backwards for one another. So I took it as he would go the extra mile for me because I go the extra mile for him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> Yes it is. I have felt that he is trying to control me. He even resets the mileage thing every time I am the one using my own car.


What...
He wants to see how far you've driven, to make sure you're not driving somewhere you're not supposed to go?

You realize that's really bad, right? Not controlling, more paranoid.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> What...
> He wants to see how far you've driven, to make sure you're not driving somewhere you're not supposed to go?
> 
> You realize that's really bad, right? Not controlling, more paranoid.


That's a red flag.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

lee2012 said:


> I hear what you're saying ButtPunch, but HE was the one who said that HE would only be married to someone who believed in bending over backwards for one another. So I took it as he would go the extra mile for me because I go the extra mile for him.


Well he clearly doesn't by your resentment so you need to stop doing for him.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I think we should spoil and pamper each other. After a while, it becomes an easy habit and isn't hard to do. If someone doesn't want to, I think they fit the profile of a taker more than a giver. It is something that my wife and I need to be better at. The happiest times in our marriage have been when we have both put the other first and gone out of our way to please.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> What...
> He wants to see how far you've driven, to make sure you're not driving somewhere you're not supposed to go?
> 
> You realize that's really bad, right? Not controlling, more paranoid.


This is something that he's always done for all the years that we've been married. He always does this every time I drop him off to work. So I finally asked him why is he resetting the mileage thing and his response is something about how long the gas lasts. But of course I'm no dummy I know better than that. When I pick him up he looks at the mileage thing and asks if I went anywhere that day. Which I did, but he doesn't ask where I went on the days I don't go anywhere.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I think we should spoil and pamper each other. After a while, it becomes an easy habit and isn't hard to do. If someone doesn't want to, I think they fit the profile of a taker more than a giver. It is something that my wife and I need to be better at. The happiest times in our marriage have been when we have both put the other first and gone out of our way to please.


Yup he's a taker alright does alot of taking more than giving.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Well he clearly doesn't by your resentment so you need to stop doing for him.


I have started not doing for him.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> ... I actually do not feel like a wife anymore, so I'm seriously starting to do things that will help me once I leave him....


I constantly say this ...

a wife/husband doesn't = personal maid, cook, assistant


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> I constantly say this ...
> 
> a wife/husband doesn't = personal maid, cook, assistant


I have shared with him that I feel like his maid, cook, atm, and etc...I also told him that if things don't change then I'm out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you work? Perhaps he thinks he is giving you enough by supporting you.

At any rate, I'm not saying he is.. My advice if you have no kids is to go live with your mother and clearly communicate to your husband what needs to change for you to return. Clearly communicate that you feel that your marriage to you is all give and no take and the balannce is unfair. In theory if you are giving so much he will miss it and want you to come back.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> I have shared with him that I feel like his maid, cook, atm, and etc...I also told him that if things don't change then I'm out.


this could be received as threatening/nagging behavior. 

Implement 180 and say nothing.

Your actions will speak louder.

Study the 180 thoroughly 

You may realize that you are better off w/o him or he may realize what he has (lost)


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> This is something that he's always done for all the years that we've been married. He always does this every time I drop him off to work. So I finally asked him why is he resetting the mileage thing and his response is something about how long the gas lasts. But of course I'm no dummy I know better than that. When I pick him up he looks at the mileage thing and asks if I went anywhere that day. Which I did, but he doesn't ask where I went on the days I don't go anywhere.


I try not to be judgmental coming across stories on TAM...but that's crazy. He's obviously doing it to keep track of whether you "go places" or not.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Doing for yourself should include resetting the mileage on the car your self......every time you park it in the driveway and get out. 

My ex was very similar. I did quit doing for him and started doing for me. He worked, I kept house and raised the kids (which included ALL kid related responsibilities.....I can count on both hands the number of times he was involved in ANY school or sporting event.....and we had 4 kids.) He "allowed" me to have some things I wanted (horses, other pets) and for that I was grateful. But in return, I got him playing video games constantly when he was home and to hear about how fat I was and the kids and I got verbally and emotionally abused. Then, one day, he decided HE was done with the marriage.

And then I realized something.

I hadn't even noticed that I HAD started doing for myself. Looking back, he eventually wanted out BECAUSE I had quit bending over backwards for him. I started to become a little more emotionally healthy out of desperation and disappointment. The biggest lightbulb moment for me happened after we had separated and I had read the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. I didn't realize that, yes, I HAD in fact expected certain things from him in return for all the sacrifices I had made over our 12 year marriage. I had started to build up resentment towards him, and it was my resentment that caused me to pull back my doormat tendencies. Of course, I didn't realize it at the time. I just thought I had adapted to life with a controlling asshat. 

I highly recommend (while implementing the 180) that you read Boundaries. That book changed my life for the better, and my current relationship (5 years later) is thriving because of things I learned about myself from the read.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> I had read the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. I didn't realize that, yes, I HAD in fact expected certain things from him in return for all the sacrifices I had made over our 12 year marriage. I had started to build up resentment towards him, and it was my resentment that caused me to pull back my doormat tendencies. .....
> 
> I highly recommend (while implementing the 180) that you read Boundaries. That book changed my life for the better, and my current relationship (5 years later) is thriving because of things I learned about myself from the read.


Boundaries also comes in DVD and with a work book if I remember correctly. Excellent read.

I would also highly suggest Divorce Remedy and Busting by Michelle W Davis to better understand the 180.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/267658-healing-heart-180-all-newbies.html#

Follow these rules


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> This is something that he's always done for all the years that we've been married. He always does this every time I drop him off to work. So I finally asked him why is he resetting the mileage thing and his response is something about how long the gas lasts. But of course I'm no dummy I know better than that. When I pick him up he looks at the mileage thing and asks if I went anywhere that day. Which I did, but he doesn't ask where I went on the days I don't go anywhere.


I'd be resetting the thing before he gets in the car so it always show 0 miles, lol. Your H has some problems, IMO.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> this could be received as threatening/nagging behavior.
> 
> Implement 180 and say nothing.
> 
> ...


Oh wow I didn't know that, but I have looked at the 180 list and I have been doing some of the things on that list without knowing that it is one of the 180 rules, but I will be doing the rest of what it says on that list.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I try not to be judgmental coming across stories on TAM...but that's crazy. He's obviously doing it to keep track of whether you "go places" or not.


I think its crazy too, just don't understand why he does it. I have never done anything or given him any reason to think that I'm doing something wrong.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

GA HEART said:


> Doing for yourself should include resetting the mileage on the car your self......every time you park it in the driveway and get out.
> 
> My ex was very similar. I did quit doing for him and started doing for me. He worked, I kept house and raised the kids (which included ALL kid related responsibilities.....I can count on both hands the number of times he was involved in ANY school or sporting event.....and we had 4 kids.) He "allowed" me to have some things I wanted (horses, other pets) and for that I was grateful. But in return, I got him playing video games constantly when he was home and to hear about how fat I was and the kids and I got verbally and emotionally abused. Then, one day, he decided HE was done with the marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks GA HEART, I'm going to look those books up and them.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

norajane said:


> I'd be resetting the thing before he gets in the car so it always show 0 miles, lol. Your H has some problems, IMO.


Lol, norajane. I agree he does have problems. But to him, he really believes he doesn't have a problem, he says that I am the problem and need to get help.


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