# What do you hate about your life the most after your divorce?



## notreadytoquit

I guess my biggest thing would be the lonliness. I go to work M-F and I have begun to hate the time when I am supposed to leave work and go home. Yes I am happy to see my child. He is only two and does not speak yet. I have no one to share my day with, I feel abandoned by friends and family(most family is in Europe though). I have tried to reach out without bringing up my drama but it seems like friends also divorce you. I am asking myself if I have any real friends at all. I sometimes feel like I was the one that cheated and betrayed my family and did all sorts of bad things not my ex H.

I work a stressful job and trust me I feel like staying in the office on Friday afternoon.

My coworkers are all talking what they are going to do on the weekend and I can't even stand to listen to those stories(sometimes I can't avoid them because we all work in the same office sitting near each other.

Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my child and I am grateful that I am the one he hugs almost every night(his dad decided to stay in the US). But I really miss the adult companionship. What did I do so wrong in this world to deserve this suffering?

Please share your experience. Maybe I can learn how to deal with this.


----------



## mcline6

Yes. The loneliness is the hardest. I am in a different town than my 13 year old daughter, so I don't even get to see her that often (I was commuting to a new job waiting for my wife and daughter to move when I discovered that my wife didn't really want to move). I really don't have friends at work to hang out with because they have families and quite frankly I wouldn't enjoy their company anyway. I didn't make a lot of friends in this new town because I had been working during the week and commuting back to spend time with my family. Now, I am struggling to make some connections with others and it seems that there are just not anyone that I can connect to. My old friends are her friends and it seems that no one even cares about what I am dealing with/my side of everything. Anyway, I am slowly learning to be alone and have found that it helps to have a routine - to have a commitment to something other than work and family. I am doing better at that, but still not grand. Basically, I am starting to commit to exercise (setting aside a specific time). I am also reaching out through Meetups or some other social activity where I can be with groups of people with similar interests. I find that many people that I meet through those groups are also either separated or divorced and looking for new connections as well.


----------



## notreadytoquit

I did join a Single parents group in my town and I did meet few people that way. But mostly because of work committments it's tough to find the time for these meetups especially with a 2 year old in tow.


----------



## 52flower

I definitely agree that the loneliness is the hardest part. After betrayal, my self-esteem was not very high so having to spend time alone knowing most other people were with someone (especially him and his new girlfriend) was a double whammy to overcome. I'm 7 months post divorce and never thought it would get better but I have to say it has. I still have moments of feeling like I wish I had someone at home to cook for, banter with, and shower with adoring affection but I dwell less on those moments and I am working on me right now. Working out has helped me tremendously. Familiar faces and new friends on top of achieving better fitness are fun for me. I sed to spend tremendous energy worrying about what deceit was happening so in comparison, life is much simpler. I hope some day I will have someone to be partners with again. But this time I would like someone who also wants a safe & emotionally healthy loving relationship, not a lopsided one. I hope you will find the same....


----------



## Jellybeans

Finding myself a divorcee at all. I never thought I'd ever get divorced. Also, not knowing. But the not knowing is kinda fun to me now. At first is scared me. My life seemed more stable in a way when I was married. I am ok with all of this now though.


----------



## thinner

My ex-wife. Of course, I've only been divorced about 1 month now. I'm still putting away boxes, painting, redoing kitchen...lots of new stuff for a brighter future. So, as of this time, my first answer will still suffice...my ex-wife.


----------



## southbound

Been divorced 7 months now, apart for 10. Due to my personality type, the lonliness isn't too bad, I rather enjoy alone time. To me, it's the fact that it messed up my kids lives and just the weirdness of it all. If you have followed my other threads, you know that I'm a bit "puzzled" about the "whys" of our divorce. I never, ever, ever, ever, thought i would be divorced.


----------



## thinner

southbound...im with you on that one. I am still puzzled also on what I had done so terribly wrong in my marriage that would have caused her to want a divorce. And yes, my ex-w also messed up my kids lives pretty bad also...hope it was worth it. I enjoy the peace and solitude also, so it's not overly bad.


----------



## vivea

Loneliness does not scare me anymore as I know it'll be temporary.
What I hate is that my kids don't have us both,the oldest is struggling a little..it's so sad.
Divorce actually did one good thing for me...motivated me big time.(well not officially divorced yet but in a process)
I am actually looking forward to prove to myself that i do not need a man next to me to be able to be successful,independent and taking my kids on vacations.


----------



## Scannerguard

I would say single parenting by far.

I don't mind solitude (what you call loneliness, I call solitude).


----------



## southbound

I thought of a couple more things. I live in a rural area, which may make things worse. Anyway, I attended a function with my kids last night and it just felt weird seeing all the other couples there. Divorce is embarrassing to me, even though I didn't do anything like cheating or abuse, but it's still a weird feeling. It's like wearing a sign that says, "Here I am, I'm the guy who's wife left him because I didn't make her happy."

Another thing is that I feel like there won't be a good ending to it for a few years; it's like I have to wallow in the whole thing. Being from a small town, I can bump into her in the store or her family. We still have to communicate to arrange things for the kids. We will be at our kids school functions, etc. It would be a lot better if I never had to see her again and could feel like I was getting a fresh start. 



vivea said:


> Loneliness does not scare me anymore as I know it'll be temporary.


I assume you mean that you will find someone else. I don't really have that confidence. I'm confident in who I am, but I realize that isn't who many women want. I don't get lonely anyway, but it would be nice to know if I did want to date again, it wouldn't be such a chore. I'm a laid back guy who isn't into a lot of hupla and constant activity, and it seems like that is what most women want these days.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Any time I have to be in touch with the stbxh.
It gets easier over time but it is difficult to be assertive because of fear of being ridiculed or whatever, him tweaking my emotions, playing on whatever weakness might exist for him to take advantage of.


----------



## Sparkles422

Being stuck in the same house with the cheater even after divorcing. Hearing the texting back and forth. Wanting the house to sell so I can physically move on. Constantly working on letting go and then not letting go and over and over again.

Now house has had offer and X has weasled himself into my apartment hunting even talking about living in the same complex as me. I have no idea how this happened but I am nipping this in the bud pronto.


----------



## Malibu17

I've been divorced over a year and a half now. I enjoy being alone at times, but miss my son and daughter terribly not staying with me more often. My son is 18 and daughter is 20 and even though we have a good relationship, they have stayed with their mother (especially my daughter) much of the time. I enjoy doing activities with my kids when I can. 

I have dated several different women, but not dating anyone currently, nor desperate to be in a relationship. However, it can certainly be lonely. I don't have close friends that I hang out with and when I'm not working, I exercise and watch TV/movies among other activities to try and keep my mind off things.

New Beginnings can be bittersweet...


----------



## jason29927

The loneliness. I lost almost all of my social life along with the wife. It's lonely as hell and I hate it.


----------



## morningdew

For me would be how negative society especially in my country still look at me - and any other divorce/single moms. There's a stigma thick as a fog here and it's so annoying. I also hated feeling like I'm the only 'different' person when I went to my son's school's functions - but maybe it's just mental. I don't know...


----------



## wild_irish_rose

I'm not divorced yet but we haven't lived together for quite a while now. What I miss is:
having someone to "do" for - I LIKE taking care of another person, especially cooking
physical intimacy (not just sex)
a male role model for my son
having a real "home" of my own
somebody to do things with on weekends
someone to share the hard times with

One thing I really dislike is the tendency of people to judge you when they find out you are divorced, without bothering to take the time to find out if you were the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse. It's like people automatically assume you must be a real screw-up or a horrible husband/wife because you are divorced. They never assume that the fault might lie with the spouse they HAVEN'T met. Why is that, I wonder?


----------



## Shoeguy

I hate the lack of conversation but I guess that can be classified as lonliness. I also miss some of the little things like sometimes she would jump into a room instead of walk.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

My "family" as it was, was just about THE last thing I had that I really felt a deep value for, and was comfortable about lasting.
I mean, who wouldnt want one?
--it may be a bit unrealistic or immature to expect so, but I had no indications things were heading downhill before it was already too late.

If other things happened, the family was always a unit, an island in the ocean of uncertainty, it remained certain.

I think since having that subjected to reality, and sinking, that I hate the sense that even those things that I held most sacred and valuable to me were so vulnerable. I hate that sense of not being able to rely on the existence of a home base/safe haven where I was loved and could love, and look forward to a future in it.

Its like finding out you built your castle on quicksand.


----------



## Oak

Shooboomafoo said:


> My "family" as it was, was just about THE last thing I had that I really felt a deep value for, and was comfortable about lasting.
> I mean, who wouldnt want one?
> --it may be a bit unrealistic or immature to expect so, but I had no indications things were heading downhill before it was already too late.
> 
> If other things happened, the family was always a unit, an island in the ocean of uncertainty, it remained certain.
> 
> I think since having that subjected to reality, and sinking, that I hate the sense that even those things that I held most sacred and valuable to me were so vulnerable. I hate that sense of not being able to rely on the existence of a home base/safe haven where I was loved and could love, and look forward to a future in it.
> 
> Its like finding out you built your castle on quicksand.


Shoo,

Agreed. I was deliriously happy, but I was not living in reality as it were. I regret the loss of that feeling of safety, but honestly I much prefer to understand that nothing is certain...it makes me appreciate my choices and live in the moment. Now I take solace in myself instead of putting my faith in someone else. Yes I can still give away pieces of my heart, but I know I can always rely on my core self when life turns upside down.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Shooboomafoo said:


> My "family" as it was, was just about THE last thing I had that I really felt a deep value for, and was comfortable about lasting.
> I mean, who wouldnt want one?
> --it may be a bit unrealistic or immature to expect so, but I had no indications things were heading downhill before it was already too late.
> 
> If other things happened, the family was always a unit, an island in the ocean of uncertainty, it remained certain.
> 
> I think since having that subjected to reality, and sinking, that I hate the sense that even those things that I held most sacred and valuable to me were so vulnerable. I hate that sense of not being able to rely on the existence of a home base/safe haven where I was loved and could love, and look forward to a future in it.
> 
> Its like finding out you built your castle on quicksand.


It's exactly how I feel now. My family was the most important thing. What makes me angry(other than his affair), that after being together for 9 years, I would expect that if there is a problem he would sit me down and say in plain English: "listen this and this bothers me, we need to work on this or that". We never ever had a conversation like that(I must have rolled back the movie milion times). And my now ex cheating H is in sales so he is not a shy guy.

I was so secure in my relationship and my love for this man, I never asked or questioned why he may be running late from work etc. I never exhibited one jelous or insecure behaviour. I just hope in the future I find someone who is openly able to talk about his feelings(bad or good). After this betrayal it will be difficult to trust anyone but I don't want to come to a position where I have to schedule monthly meetings to check with my H how things are going, what he is feeling.


----------



## Shane Jimison

I don't hate my life as it is gift of God and it won't return back once it is passed.


----------



## goincrazy

Loneliness is the worst part. I'm getting used to being alone now, but I really miss having male companionship and intimacy/sex. Starting over and trying to find ways to spend my time and people to spend it with has not been easy. Depression takes over quite often, and I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude.


----------



## nice777guy

goincrazy said:


> Loneliness is the worst part. I'm getting used to being alone now, but I really miss having male companionship and intimacy/sex. Starting over and trying to find ways to spend my time and people to spend it with has not been easy. Depression takes over quite often, and I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude.


Same here - except I miss women - not men! Just to be clear!

Trying to be positive, but also learning to take it easy on myself. If I'm tired and want to sleep at 2pm on a Sunday when I don't have my kids - I take a nap.

I know I'm supposed to be "mourning" - just not sure quite what that means.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Still thinking about this after a year of separation....:scratchhead:

No fighting...

No nagging....

The freedom to do what I want when I want...

I'll get back to you on this...


----------



## Bafuna

My divorce is not final, but I hate 
1. the fact that I tried to fight for this marriage and I lost, there is a feeling of failure 
2. the stigma, I feel ashamed somehow though the marriage was never really good and I tolerated my husband's serial cheating and abandonment for a long time
3. the fact that my husband is/was not bothered to try and change and make things work for the sake of the kids and I still have to be nice to him and not bad mouth him to the kids 
4. the hard work that goes into single parenting, having to be both Mom and Dad.

5. NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS!!!!


----------



## stillhoping

I hate nights like this one, sick with a sinus infection and no one here to take care of me. I did it all myself, picked up prescriptions, got chicken soup, but its not the same


----------



## Dollystanford

ummmmm....

nope, can't think of anything

I mean that most sincerely


----------



## 2ntnuf

Thanks for this thread. I miss the same most of you do. It is good to know I am not so different.

I laughed at nice777guy. You sure your sure? Just sayin'. lol kidding

The one thing that I see as different is this. I always felt like I never got a chance to try. That for me is worse than trying and failing. There is a hole that cannot be filled. 

I miss not being afraid, also. If we are being honest. I never had this kind of anxiety/fear before. It really sucks and I need to get rid of it.

I was able to get jobs almost at will before this. Now it is difficult. Probably because of work knowing what happened and passing info along. I was much more confident and younger. heehee


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Wow a lot of "the stigma of divorce" - I've yet to experience that.


----------



## WomanScorned

Having days where I don't see my kids because they are with him. 

Not being a family anymore.

Not having someone to come home to and share the day with. I share my day via e-mail with my boyfriend, but it's not the same.

Going to bed alone. 

Not being over this even though it's been two years. Sigh.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Freak On a Leash said:


> Still thinking about this after a year of separation....:scratchhead:
> 
> No fighting...
> 
> No nagging....
> 
> The freedom to do what I want when I want...
> 
> I'll get back to you on this...


Almost a year later..Don't you love it when old threads come back to life? 

Now I've actually filed for D and am eager to get it done and over with. What I will hate most is that I STILL will have to deal with my jerk of an ex husband afterwards. I'd love it if he'd just up and disappear once the papers are signed. 

Other than that, I'm still lovin' the single life. :smthumbup:


----------



## lee101981

Miss sharing things with someone...
miss being apart of a family


----------



## Lon

WomanScorned said:


> Having days where I don't see my kids because they are with him.
> 
> Not being a family anymore.
> 
> Not having someone to come home to and share the day with. I share my day via e-mail with my boyfriend, but it's not the same.
> 
> Going to bed alone.
> 
> Not being over this even though it's been two years. Sigh.


exactly.


----------



## lonewolf8545

The worse part of it for me is not having my kids with me everyday. I have 50/50 split, but its just not the same.


----------



## Jayb

lonewolf8545 said:


> The worse part of it for me is not having my kids with me everyday. I have 50/50 split, but its just not the same.


Exactly this. I know I make the most of my time when they're with me, but it's a bummer knowing I'm missing some of the other spontaneous stuff when they're with her.

And the loneliness. Not keeping the status of married couple, family, etc.


----------



## vi_bride04

No regular sex partner...LOL

Other than that, I love my life post divorce.


----------



## lee101981

vi_bride04 said:


> No regular sex partner...LOL
> 
> Other than that, I love my life post divorce.


Agreed haha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Freak On a Leash

lonewolf8545 said:


> The worse part of it for me is not having my kids with me everyday. I have 50/50 split, but its just not the same.


I'll lend you my kids. I could use some time away. 

I love them but I don't love ANYONE enough to be constantly around them. I'm starting to get a bit stir crazy...


----------



## SingleInTx

Having NO alone time! Full custody means it's always. always. always... me and the kiddos! I love them to death but sometimes Mommy would like to take a bath with a glass or 3 of wine in peace, know what I mean?

Also being mom AND dad, 24/7/365...it's exhausting. 

Dating- it SUCKS! I think the divorce left me terrified of commitment, but that's another story. 

Alas, I love my freedom but it has taken some adjusting.


----------



## legiox

Being lonely. I hate it!! I try to do a bunch of stuff to keep me busy, ie: gym, going flying, cleaning apartment up. But i hate not having anybody around to keep me company or to talk to, or just to love. I do not miss my STBXW, but i hate not having a partner/best friend around.


----------



## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: What do you hate about your life the most after your divorce?*



legiox said:


> Being lonely. I hate it!! I try to do a bunch of stuff to keep me busy, ie: gym, going flying, cleaning apartment up. But i hate not having anybody around to keep me company or to talk to, or just to love. I do not miss my STBXW, but i hate not having a partner/best friend around.


Can you get a pet? My dogs have helped me tremendously with the "lonely" aspect. Not to mention they are more loyal than the ex, lol


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

At first I missed having someone make coffee for me in the morning. But now I set the brewer for the right time and don't mind getting up to get it myself and taking it back to bed to have my alone time. Which I never got when I was married. I like to start the day out quietly and doing some visualization and looking out the window. Ex used to start the day by turning on the tv watching the news and making sexual comments and such about the broadcasters. 

I think at this point I would kind of resent it if someone tried to take over my quite coffee time in the morning. I like owning my own day right from the start.

But theoretically, the right person to share my coffee time with me. That's what I miss. But it's not what I had.


----------



## Crankshaw

Been separated almost 2 years now, initially what was worse was having no job, no friends, no one.
I got by with posting on here, the last 18 months I have been working full time, have joined a cpl of facebook groups for single parents, we have events for 'with kids' and 'without kids'
I have a lady I have just started seeing, no idea where that will go, if any where.
taken me 2 years to get to this point (those who know me on here know my story) but doing OK, not fantastic, but a whole lot better than I was


----------



## Crankshaw

Freak On a Leash said:


> I'll lend you my kids. I could use some time away.
> 
> I love them but I don't love ANYONE enough to be constantly around them. I'm starting to get a bit stir crazy...


Hiya Freak, that is something most women don't actually get (as most of them have the kids)
The guys end up being on their own, no one around, nothing to focus on, bloody hard I tell ya, bloody hard


----------



## Crankshaw

lonewolf8545 said:


> The worse part of it for me is not having my kids with me everyday. I have 50/50 split, but its just not the same.


I get to have my kids every 2nf weekend from Friday evening to Sunday evening !


----------



## Freak On a Leash

:woohoo: Hey Crankshaw! Long time, no see! Glad to see you back! :smthumbup:


----------



## Crankshaw

Freak On a Leash said:


> :woohoo: Hey Crankshaw! Long time, no see! Glad to see you back! :smthumbup:


Hiya Freak, been 'finding' myself, I will update my thread a bit later


----------



## NoWhere

I agree with everyone here about the loneliness being the worst thing.
I find things to do and get bored rather easily. When I'm bored my mind tends to drift back to the divorce and my relationship with the ex making me feel miserable. I'm still fighting those demons and it would be nice to have a outlet to enjoy myself in the company of others. I also agree with the OP about feeling betrayed and abandoned by my friends and hating to hear people at work talk about their great weekend with their spouse or group of friends.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

NoWhere said:


> I agree with everyone here about the loneliness being the worst thing.
> I find things to do and get bored rather easily. When I'm bored my mind tends to drift back to the divorce and my relationship with the ex making me feel miserable. I'm still fighting those demons and it would be nice to have a outlet to enjoy myself in the company of others.


I hear this all the time. The guy I'm seeing says he's bored and lonely. Maybe it's because my marriage was a 20+ year version of Hell but I can't relate to this. I was MUCH more lonely when I was living with my STBXH. Right now I'm so glad to be rid of that life the last thing I am is lonely and as a general rule I never get bored. 

Hobbies, joining clubs and learning to have fun by yourself are good ways to combat this. Dwelling on the past and how lonely are is not a good way to deal.


----------



## NoWhere

Well I don't sit around and dwell about being lonely. I keep very busy with projects, hobbies, work etc, but there are always down moments and my interaction with other people is severely limited which can make me feel lonely at times. Everyone gets lonely sometimes. 

As soon as I find a group or something I can do that will actually give me interaction with someone I will. You can talk to strangers all day long and do hobbies and stuff, but unless you have someone who you can become fairly close to you can still be lonely. I was never lonely with my wife and our large group of friends. Always throwing parties and stuff. So its a huge sudden change of pace to go from that to nobody.


----------



## doc_martin

funny...I loved the MUNDANE of being married! I didn't HAVE to join groups, invent hobbies, or make myself DO anything. My plate was full of committments and I loved it! 

We (as in us both) worked so hard to get to where we are now and it's like someone pulled the rug out on what it was "supposed" to be. I know, death of a dream and all of that. That stuff I know she feels, or will feel too. I miss my best friend. There wasn't anything I couldn't talk to her about (hmmm, that street obviously didn't go both ways). 

Mostly, I miss my kids. Hate that part. Right now we are discussing how we are going to split time, and she thinks I'm gonna settle form some 70/30 or 80/20 crap. She has a lot of rude awakenings coming her way about what divorce is really all about. 

I have always enjoyed my alone time. So I don't feel lonely or sad, except when my kids call me and then I realize phone conversations, no matter how long I talk, are a piss poor replacement for an actual conversation with my kids...


----------



## Freak On a Leash

doc_martin said:


> Mostly, I miss my kids. Hate that part. Right now we are discussing how we are going to split time, and she thinks I'm gonna settle form some 70/30 or 80/20 crap. She has a lot of rude awakenings coming her way about what divorce is really all about.


 :scratchhead: I don't get this. Don't these women WANT some time to themselves? Is this their way of getting back at their husbands or do they really want to spend most of their times with their kids? I mean, I love my kids but I live WITH them, not FOR them!

I'd LOVE for my STBXH to have my son half the time. My son is with him now and it's great! My H is doing a lot better and I'm hoping that we can work out a deal where he can take my son as much as both of them want. It would be good all around: For my son, who really enjoys being with his father, for me, who needs a break and my own time away, and for my STBXH who really does miss our son and gets lonely being by himself all the time. 

I still have to be the primary caregiver given my alcoholic husband's past actions but as long as he remains sober and things are good all around I have no problem with them spending as much time together as they'd like. 

Yeah..cuz tomorrow I'm going skiing! :smthumbup:


----------



## ChknNoodleSoup

Bafuna said:


> My divorce is not final, but I hate
> 1. the fact that I tried to fight for this marriage and I lost, there is a feeling of failure
> 2. the stigma, I feel ashamed somehow though the marriage was never really good and I tolerated my husband's serial cheating and abandonment for a long time
> 3. the fact that my husband is/was not bothered to try and change and make things work for the sake of the kids and I still have to be nice to him and not bad mouth him to the kids
> 4. the hard work that goes into single parenting, having to be both Mom and Dad.
> 
> 5. NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS!!!!


This is me!


----------



## brokenbythis

jason29927 said:


> The loneliness. I lost almost all of my social life along with the wife. It's lonely as hell and I hate it.


Me too. I lost every single mutual friend we ever had. Not a single one has phoned, texted or visited me since he announced he was leaving me.

I didn't cheat, abuse, lie or commit any major trangression to my STBXH. He just decided he didn't want to be married anymore, that married life and family were too draining on him, and he wanted to chase skirts because he "is a man".

Its sure true what they say: when you're down you sure find out who your friends are.


----------



## brokenbythis

Crankshaw said:


> Hiya Freak, that is something most women don't actually get (as most of them have the kids)
> The guys end up being on their own, no one around, nothing to focus on, bloody hard I tell ya, bloody hard


HA! This is exactly what my STBXH wanted. He didn't want the "strain" and responsbility of a family. He told me he just wanted to be "left alone" and not have to answer to anyone. Well alone he is, but so alone, he has a few bimbos sharing his bed but tells them he doesn't want any relationships.

Typical... unable to connect with anyone on an intimate level. I know.. I was married to him for 13 yrs.


----------



## rep

Coming home after work to a cold and empty house. I still cry on occasion. Seperated 2+ years and I was used to walking in the house and the kids would be sitting at the kitchen island and they would run for a hug "Daddies Home". Wow, was that awesome. The house was warm and i could smell what was cooking. I read the kids stories, put them to bed and so on.
I miss all that. The first few months, I would come in the house,,,, Dark, Cold and if I made a noise, there would be an echo. I fell to knees and wanted to die. I cried myself to sleep in the mud room several times. It got to the point where I would pull-up and sit in the truck and look in the windows thinking about "what used to be".
Im better now but sometimes it smacks me over the head like a bat. I cant defend it so I go with it and lay on the couch and cry. Why fight it??


----------



## ku1980rose

Loneliness, but I was lonely when I was married, so it's not much different. But, I've moved home with my parents to get my feet back under me and save some money and it feels rather lonely.

Also, the feeling that I failed. The feeling that I made this mistake and wasted the last few years with a man who treated me like a roommate.


----------



## ku1980rose

brokenbythis said:


> He told me he just wanted to be "left alone" and not have to answer to anyone.


I hate this phrase from men. I can respect it, but I've dated men who have then dropped this phrase on me later when the breakup occurred.


----------



## ku1980rose

wild_irish_rose said:


> One thing I really dislike is the tendency of people to judge you when they find out you are divorced, without bothering to take the time to find out if you were the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse. It's like people automatically assume you must be a real screw-up or a horrible husband/wife because you are divorced. They never assume that the fault might lie with the spouse they HAVEN'T met. Why is that, I wonder?


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Tr1qu3tra

notreadytoquit said:


> I guess my biggest thing would be the lonliness. I go to work M-F and I have begun to hate the time when I am supposed to leave work and go home. Yes I am happy to see my child. He is only two and does not speak yet. I have no one to share my day with, I feel abandoned by friends and family(most family is in Europe though). I have tried to reach out without bringing up my drama but it seems like friends also divorce you. I am asking myself if I have any real friends at all. I sometimes feel like I was the one that cheated and betrayed my family and did all sorts of bad things not my ex H.
> 
> I work a stressful job and trust me I feel like staying in the office on Friday afternoon.
> 
> My coworkers are all talking what they are going to do on the weekend and I can't even stand to listen to those stories(sometimes I can't avoid them because we all work in the same office sitting near each other.
> 
> Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my child and I am grateful that I am the one he hugs almost every night(his dad decided to stay in the US). But I really miss the adult companionship. What did I do so wrong in this world to deserve this suffering?
> 
> Please share your experience. Maybe I can learn how to deal with this.


At first I was jealous that she had found someone else (unfaithfully), but now I don't care. I'm much happier the way I am now. The key has been to focus on myself. Set goals and pursue them fiercely.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

wild_irish_rose said:


> One thing I really dislike is the tendency of people to judge you when they find out you are divorced, without bothering to take the time to find out if you were the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse. It's like people automatically assume you must be a real screw-up or a horrible husband/wife because you are divorced. They never assume that the fault might lie with the spouse they HAVEN'T met. Why is that, I wonder?


Interesting. I haven't run into that but then again, I'm not officially "divorced" yet. 

That kind of person is judgemental and I don't like that in any person so they can basically go screw themself anyway.


----------



## LostOneForGood

Well I miss everything...

Miss the house we bought, only got to live in for three months, found out about her cheating a$$ two weeks after we moved in!!

We spent everything we had to get in this place, couldnt afford a second place, no one would let her live with them, even her folks. So i had to move, for my sanity. Moved back home 100 miles away, left my job, my friends everything I knew for the last 12 years. Living in the bedroom I grew up in till that flippin house sells. Waiting to start my life.. 

I now trust no one, been hit on by three married women I know and they know my story, seriously!!! 

I do miss my ex, she was my best friend for six years before we got together. I have not spoke to her or seen her since August. We have only talked by text about the house. She cant understand why I wont talk her, wow!!!

So yeah miss everything, dont like this starting over...


----------



## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: What do you hate about your life the most after your divorce?*



LostOneForGood said:


> Miss the house we bought, only got to live in for three months, found out about her cheating a$$ two weeks after we moved in!!


What goes through the minds of these selfish people to make such a life altering purchase while they are in the middle of an affair??!!

My ex used my credit and helped talk me into why buying a house was such a good idea for us. 3 weeks after we move in he says he wants a divorce....didn't find out he was cheating for months after that. And he started cheating well before we even started looking at houses.


----------



## Baffled01

Agreed, starting over sucks! Divorce has been final a month now. Separated for three months. The excitement of the new apartment for my kids, ages 2 and 4, is starting to run out, and they are wanting to spend more and more time at Daddy's 'old house'. I miss my ex. And like another poster am not really sure of all the 'why's' that happened to break-up our family and lead us to this point.

I think alot of it had to do with pride

In my heart I thnk that neither one of us really wanted this, and that each of us kept expecting the other to put a stop to it before time ran out-- but time did run out.


----------



## Stretch

Separated but not divorced yet. I am positive that it will be a nagging feeling that I wasted 20 years. Hopefully, my perspective will change over time but I have deep regret for spending two decades with what turned out to be the wrong woman. The memories are just a source of pain and discomfort right now.


----------



## hope4family

Freak On a Leash said:


> I hear this all the time. The guy I'm seeing says he's bored and lonely. Maybe it's because my marriage was a 20+ year version of Hell but I can't relate to this. I was MUCH more lonely when I was living with my STBXH. Right now I'm so glad to be rid of that life the last thing I am is lonely and as a general rule I never get bored.
> 
> Hobbies, joining clubs and learning to have fun by yourself are good ways to combat this. Dwelling on the past and how lonely are is not a good way to deal.


I'm still going through the divorce process. But several times my ex asked me if I even missed her. The answer was simple. "No." 

But why would I miss THAT kind of company? Let'd do bullet points to get the point across. 

#She didn't love me. Ever. She said it so herself. 
#I was used as a provider. Many times I had that empty feeling in regards to her affection.
#She manipulated how I firmly felt about things.
#Wasn't having enough intimacy to be satisfied. Ever.
#Put at least one other man above me during the marriage.
#Felt unloved for a long time. But kept choosing to believe her when she said she loved me. 

Now I have had a moment or two that I am lonely because raising a S1 is hard, but not lately. I am back to doing what made me so happy prior to marriage. On top of that, I got an awesome kid. 

So I share Freaks sentiment of why should I?


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Stretch said:


> Separated but not divorced yet. I am positive that it will be a nagging feeling that I wasted 20 years. Hopefully, my perspective will change over time but I have deep regret for spending two decades with what turned out to be the wrong woman.


Well uh..Yeah. That's pretty much how I feel but what can you do? Dwelling on the past doesn't change it. I would change a lot if I could..but I can't. 

So you can only go forward.



hope4family said:


> that I am lonely because raising a S1 is hard, but not lately. I am back to doing what made me so happy prior to marriage. On top of that, I got an awesome kid.
> 
> So I share Freaks sentiment of why should I?


Ok, you can join the club. Judging by this thread it seems to be a small club. Lots of people out there not wanting their divorce to happen. Sad.  

I have two awesome kids. One is driving me crazy but I still love him, even though he ca be a PITA. 

I'm a happier person than I was before married. Had I been the same person then that I am now, I wouldn't have gotten married.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

A year and a half after the divorce, and what I dont like about life after divorce is still the lack of a real loving companion. 
The somewhat diminished yet still vivid resentment of how the ex took apart the family, and attempted to replace it with a facade. I still cannot wait until that feeling of resentment diminishes to nothing. I hate the loss of time with my child, and the powerlessness to protect her from a failure of a mother and example of a parent, as evidenced by her extreme self-priority.

But then again...
I like not having a SH!T LOAD of things planned for every moment of every weekend.
The time I have with my daughter is truly more "valuable" in terms of its quality, than it was when we were all running around attempting to please her highness. We laugh hard, and exhaustively, we play together, and share music interests. There is now a bond that exists that would not have via the influence and interruption of her mother.

I feel like I have EVERY option in the freaking world available to me, forget about the fork in the road, I am standing at the convergence of a hundred paths, and can take any of them or all of them, without regard to the finicky or fickle.

Calm.. thats a benefit of more value than Ive recognized.


----------



## hope4family

Freak On a Leash said:


> Ok, you can join the club. Judging by this thread it seems to be a small club. Lots of people out there not wanting their divorce to happen. Sad.
> 
> I have two awesome kids. One is driving me crazy but I still love him, even though he ca be a PITA.
> 
> I'm a happier person than I was before married. Had I been the same person then that I am now, I wouldn't have gotten married.


First off. Then we need to be as noisy and as rowdy a club as we can be. Not irresponsible. 

Not wanting a divorce to happen has nothing to do with your happiness and your loneliness. Contributing factor? Absolutely. I say this because I didn't want this to happen either. But I took control of what is now MY LIFE. Not the failed couple. 

My joy is in my salvation of which I know is secure. I still cry about the failed marriage. But its not my fault. My social life is 2x a week, the rest is all about my kid and work. Like a reasonable adult. 

Happiness is ours to achieve.

P.s. FOL, I should have divorce her. This is the clarity that only could be gained after not paying attention to all the signs and letting someone hurt you and when they are finished with you they divorce you.


----------



## HeartbrokenW

My final divorce hearing is in 2 weeks so I'm not quite there yet.. Mine was a truck driver, so I was alone alot before. I was used to spending time alone, taking care of the house, finances, etc, being self sufficient. Someone very early in this thread nailed it for me.. Its finding out your castle was built on quicksand. 

Although I have an excellent job (I supported us from the beginning) the thing I hate the most right now is my feeling of insecurity - not financial ..I feel like I'll never be able to trust anyone again. How could I not know he was so unhappy? He told me every day he loved me...right up to the end. Did he really though? Will I ever be able to "put all my eggs in one basket" again? I have these walls around me now, don't let anyone in! They'll love you and leave you! I'm in my late 40's.. I'm not a social butterfly. I go to work, come home and take care of my daughter and my dogs,then I go to bed and start over in the morning. I have small chance of ever meeting anyone again, and if I did, I don't know in my heart if I could ever give them "my all".


----------



## Dedicated2Her

I am so thankful for my divorced life, but there is one thing and one thing only I hate: Dropping off my children on Sunday afternoon after a weekend with them. Ugh.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dewayne76

Well, my divorce was final on the 5th of this month. I've been separated since Nov. 1 of 2012. 

What I hate so far, is the fact of seeing my child not wanting to go home with her mother. Hearing my 3 yo daughter say things like "Mommy hate me" and "I don't love mommy" 

I also hate the being alone. I live with 2 bachelors I hardly see. 

Probably the biggest part? Knowing that we were in a very loving relationship, with her reassuring me of our strength in marriage shortly before she started changing. Knowing that just 3 weeks before she decided to spend all her time with the 2 19 yo boys that were helping us, that we were making passionate love in a graveyard and her grabbing my hand, her eyes piercing through my soul saying "i love you so much. Don't ever leave me" and now it's like I"m a stranger. Not being able to talk to my once best friend of 11 years. 

Pretty much all of it. I hate it. I still haven't found work yet so it's extra hard on me.


----------



## legiox

I really hate the divorce laws in NC. Me and my STBXW signed our separation agreement back in August. Now i have to wait a full year to be fully divorced. It sucks big time. Haven't talked to her in almost 6 months. We are both moving on. Why do I have to frecking wait a full year? LOL


----------



## EnjoliWoman

legiox said:


> I really hate the divorce laws in NC. Me and my STBXW signed our separation agreement back in August. Now i have to wait a full year to be fully divorced. It sucks big time. Haven't talked to her in almost 6 months. We are both moving on. Why do I have to frecking wait a full year? LOL


I hear you, fellow NCer. I think there should be a year-long waiting period to get married, not divorced. I know I would have come to my senses by then! LOL

I get it that the emphasis is on having time to work it out but really, I think most people know there is no salvaging the marriage by the time they file. 3 months is adequate.

BUT let me say this - it does prevent rebound marriage. I learned that I need at least that year to get my head right and no way would I want to date someone who hasn't been separated or divorced for at least a year. Burned twice.


----------



## hope4family

Waking up after a night of dancing, and finding females that are more attractive then my ex-wife sending me facebook friend requests is nice. 

Not having guilt for it, even better.


----------



## NoWhere

hope4family said:


> Waking up after a night of dancing, and finding females that are more attractive then my ex-wife sending me facebook friend requests is nice.
> 
> Not having guilt for it, even better.


 Teach me to be you!


----------



## hope4family

NoWhere said:


> Teach me to be you!


Thanks for the compliment. Go out and take dancing lessons. Thing is, i'm not actually on the market. I am all about just having fun right now. Women, in general, have always seen me as safe and or a wee bit crazy. 

I'm OK with that as I work on my boundaries.


----------



## zillard

Dance lessons are not a bad idea, Hope. Just might have to do that. All I know is basic waltz. lame.


----------



## hope4family

My parents taught me Waltz, Fox Trot, Cha Cha, Salsa. I retained nothing. So now I swing dance. It's fun, relatively easy and a great way to meet people of all ages.


----------



## Movingon_

Wow. I cannot believe how big this club is and how most of the stories are basically the same. I think that most of us here are the BS or at least the ones that did not want the divorce. I agree with everything that most have posted. Being alone, a dark quiet house, time away from kids that you will never get back etc.... Like everyone, I thought I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be divorced. It has been just over a year for me and it is not getting any easier. I miss my family soooo much. Just last week I was cleaning the garage. Went to the filling cabinent to look for something and came accross our divorce decree. I hit my knees and cried for an hour. I STILL cannot believe I have one of those in my filling cabinent! When my wife cheated and wanted the divorce, I moved out and gave her the house. For the kids sake. Otherwise she would have had to move into an appartment and I did not want my kids growing up even part time in an appartment. I wanted them to stay in the house they grew up in. Give them at least some sort of secruiety. I bought a house shortly after D. It was the worse thing I have ever done. The purchase of a house should be something that is a dream come true. But when you have no one to share the excitement with, talk about all the improvements you wish to do, the excitement of waking up on a lazy Saturday morning and everyone staying in thier pj's until noon or later and then the entire family getting dressed to go out to a late lunch. It sucks going it alone. We had such a great little family, did alot together. Camping, riding four wheelers, taking weekend trips to no where USA and having a great time while there. All of that gone forever. My ex makes quite a bit less than I do. We have 50/50 custody so I do not pay child support. She wanted out so badly she did not even hire a lawyer for the D. I kept my 401K, no child support, kept the camper, four wheelers, trailers and all the other toys. She is struggling financially, she is alone, not happy at all. She tells me often how much she misses me and our family and that this D life is not what she thought it would be. I had a chance to R with her back in July but I was doing very well then and I declined. Maybe out of pride, not sure. But looking back I wish I would have given it a try. I think that window is closed now. Divorce sucks. No other way about it. I miss my kids so much. Sorry for my spelling. I am college educated but the worlds worst speller. Is there a spell check on this thing? Only my 2nd ever post.


----------



## NoWhere

Movingon_ said:


> It has been just over a year for me and it is not getting any easier..


 That really doesn't help those of us that are trying to be in denial here. 

I don't think I could make it through a year the way things have been for me. Unless I learn to enjoy breaking down a lot from time to time and then feeling pathetic for it afterwards.

I never got a chance for R with my wife. No counseling and now no contact. Just poof 13 years of my life gone.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Sorry, Movingon. 

I am amazed and very moved by the number of stories by men who really LOVE their wives. Even if they didn't know how to show it or always do the right thing, the level of devotion just floors me sometimes. Coming from an abusive relationship really makes me appreciate just someone NICE. As in not mean (vs. mr nice guy crap).

It does take a while. A year really isn't that much. Gradually you'll focus on YOUR dreams, YOUR plans and it won't seem so empty being singular vs. plural.

I finally stopped referring to the ex when I had enough memories of my own to share - you know, when people at the office talk about their last vacation and you chime in with "when we were in _____"... only to realize you need to stop talking about them.

Also when I finally had gotten rid of/replaced every single thing in my home that had any connection to him. MY bed, MY couch I picked out, MY television, etc. Nothing left that was ever OURS. I don't count the antiques from family - those were 'mine' all along and don't really remind me of him.

There WILL come a time when you realize you are happier - it might be a while. But being alone is better than being in a relationship where you really aren't cherished.


----------



## hope4family

NoWhere said:


> That really doesn't help those of us that are trying to be in denial here.
> 
> I don't think I could make it through a year the way things have been for me. Unless I learn to enjoy breaking down a lot from time to time and then feeling pathetic for it afterwards.
> 
> I never got a chance for R with my wife. No counseling and now no contact. Just poof 13 years of my life gone.


To be honest NoWhere. We are all from different places and points in life that our reactions will be different. I was only married two years. Didn't date long enough in hindsight. True, I loved her immensely, true I also am left as primary caregiver for our child. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. 

Just before leaving, she was telling me thoughts of wanting one more child, moving to the beach (by the end of this year), being debt free then buying our second Camaro (convertible) and just focusing on us and family. 

It's all gone now. All that just thrown away in a matter of about 40 days. People often compliment me on how well I have handled it all. Those compliments are blessings and curses. 

Wish you and everyone else struggling the best. I still do to.


----------



## NoWhere

Oh I know. My and my wife were making plans for our future up until the very last moment. I don't think I'll ever understand it.


----------



## zillard

NoWhere said:


> Oh I know. My and my wife were making plans for our future up until the very last moment. I don't think I'll ever understand it.


Work on understanding YOU, then it will be easier. 

Easier to deal with and easier to see what happened.


----------



## NoWhere

What does that even mean? lol. I know what happened, but it doesn't make it any easier to stomach.


----------



## hope4family

NoWhere said:


> What does that even mean? lol. I know what happened, but it doesn't make it any easier to stomach.


I think he means. Write down all the things you didn't like about how you were just before, during, and post Dday. Dive into fixing it, if you can. 

I appreciate everyone's attitude of "working on you" what a lot of people don't realize. Is sometimes your ex "issues" with you aren't something you have to fix and people often ready too much into it.


----------



## zillard

You said you don't understand it. 

How she could go from point A to point B in X amount of time. 

If we work on ourselves and let our delusions fall away, and understand our own patterns and behaviors, we can then see more clearly and understand others with much less filtering.

Once we can do that, it is easier to stomach as we can see it was much less about us than we originally thought.


----------



## zillard

hope4family said:


> I think he means. Write down all the things you didn't like about how you were just before, during, and post Dday. Dive into fixing it, if you can.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's attitude of "working on you" what a lot of people don't realize. Is sometimes your ex "issues" with you aren't something you have to fix and people often ready too much into it.


Yes. Don't work on the things she didn't like about you - that's her's. That's not working on you. That's working on changing someone else's mind.

Work on the things you don't like about you.


----------



## NoWhere

There were a few things I did that she didn't like sure, but ultimately it was more exciting for her to jump in the sack with some new guy who has none of the martial baggage she had with me and allowed her to not have to work through our issues. I understand it all completely, but I still will never understand how anyone married that long can so easily throw away all morals and marital vows without even trying. Because I'm not like that. There are somethings more important to me then just myself. I just grow tired of always hearing the same responses 'work on yourself'. I know what issues I had/have and I'm constantly working on them and myself. Doesn't make me love her less or not hate what has happened regardless whose fault it is.

As far as going from point A to B. She met this other guy and then she made excuses to herself and overblew all of our issues. She told herself anything she could to make it ok to break my heart and be with this other guy. I swear if I ever catch a guy with a married women I'll beat the ever living crap out of them. What kind of loser does that?

Not trying to demean your advice and I appreciate it. It is ultimately good advice. Just not in a very good mood this morning. lol.


----------



## hope4family

I honestly figured out nothing was my fault the day she looked at me and said that I need to find someone who loves me as much as I love her. Probably the nicest thing she has said to me in this process.

Can't make someone love you. *Slap hands together...walk away. 

My way of working on myself is continuing being who I was before I fell in love with her. Again that's easier for me, as it was 2 years vs 13.


----------



## zillard

NoWhere said:


> Not trying to demean your advice and I appreciate it. It is ultimately good advice. Just not in a very good mood this morning. lol.


I can totally understand that. Wasn't trying to imply you're not doing any of those things either. 

Chin up mate. Hope you have a good one.


----------



## legiox

Having to endure days like to day. Frecking Valentines Day!. Have to see and hear about everybody having such lovly b/f's/gf's/husbands/wifes.....make this day end....


----------



## 2galsmom

.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

2galsmom said:


> You know what? I know me. That does not help. When my divorce finalized I had no home, no money and my friends dropped one by one as I could not continue living in my previous lifestyle. My entire life changed. My kids life was completely disrupted, something I had prayed to avoid. Loneliness I am okay with, there is a solace here where no one is lying to me no one is hurting me. I guess the thing I miss the most is the loss of hope but there is some comfort in acceptance. Divorce did not improve my life.


It might not improve your lifeSTYLE but it might improve your LIFE. I struggled with giving up a 4br (plus bonus)/3ba house and a boat, mercedes, etc. But what I found was PEACE. And in control of my own destiny. It took a long time and I was struggling, wanted to pull out my hair, disappointed my daughter was living in a rental instead of her HOME... but kids are resilient and surprisingly so are we.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Being alone, a dark quiet house, time away from kids that you will never get back etc....


You have 50/50 custody so you must see the kids at least half the time..right? :scratchhead: Being in a dark quiet house can be nice. I know I love it when I get the apartment to myself. I put on some music, light a candle and just veg out. :smthumbup:



> I bought a house shortly after D. It was the worse thing I have ever done. The purchase of a house should be something that is a dream come true. But when you have no one to share the excitement with, talk about all the improvements you wish to do


You get no joy out of having a place all to yourself? Doing exactly what you want, when you want and how you want?  I just love having my own place and being able to decorate it and keep it the way I want. Well, at least until my son moved back in with me, but I won't get into that. 




> Camping, riding four wheelers, taking weekend trips to no where USA and having a great time while there. All of that gone forever.


Why is it gone? You can still do that with your kids! Or even by yourself. I camp and take weekend trips all the time by myself. Just got back from one. 

I guess it helped that my husband pretty much ignored me for most of our marriage. I learned quickly to make my own fun, to do stuff on my own. I've been taking trips alone for years. I've taken my daughter 4 wheeling in my Jeep, camping and skiing, white water rafting. We had a better time without my husband anyway. 



> I kept my 401K, no child support, kept the camper, four wheelers, trailers and all the other toys.


You made out good! Wish I'd been that lucky. I've wound up paying all the bills, depleting my savings. I'm just glad that now my H is sober and can take my son for visits. At least it's something. 



> She is struggling financially, she is alone, not happy at all. She tells me often how much she misses me and our family and that this D life is not what she thought it would be. I had a chance to R with her back in July but I was doing very well then and I declined. Maybe out of pride, not sure. But looking back I wish I would have given it a try.


What a coincidence. She's struggling financially and NOW she wants back in. Interesting. What happened to her other man? Suddenly the grass on the other side of the fence turned out to be crabgrass? 

Be careful on this one. Don't let the past memories and loneliness dictate your actions with your Ex. If you truly want back in you should be the one to make demands and that should include staying separate and doing MC. I wouldn't do anything until you get some counseling on your own and give yourself time to heal. You need to make a decision like this with with a level head. 

It is what you REALLY want? To go back to your wife knowing she was so willing to ditch the life you had? She was unfaithful and abandoned her vows and family. Why did she do it? You will need to address these things. If you really did have this great marriage then WHY did she go and have an affair? Beware looking at your marriage thru rose colored glasses. :nono:



> Divorce sucks. No other way about it. I miss my kids so much. Sorry for my spelling. I am college educated but the worlds worst speller. Is there a spell check on this thing? Only my 2nd ever post.


The spelling isn't a problem. The wall of text (no paragraphs) is. It make it hard to decipher and read your posts. 

Divorce sucks but a bad marriage sucks more.


----------

