# Uninterested husband, gay? confused?



## Jessica1 (Nov 29, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for almost two years. It was a whirlwind romance. We fell quickly and barely knew each other before we got married. He is 11 years my junior. In the beginning it was very passionate, but 6 mo after being married its slowed almost to a halt for the past year. He barely ever initiates sex. We have sex like every 3 or 4 mo because I push for it, even then the other time he was watching TV during! He doesn't like to talk about past relationships, etc. and there are several things that make me wonder if he may be gay. He says its not me or my attractiveness its him. But he refuses to talk about it or go for counseling. He is horny because he masturbates almost every night in another room looking at porn. From what I know its porn about women. But still, i mean its hard for me an attractive women who has experienced men interested in her sexually in the past, to often sleep alone while my husband watches porn. Actually the last time I approached him he was so uninterested. I asked him what was wrong, was it me? He just giggled and didnt look at me, said it wasnt me was him. But he doesnt want to talk about it. Also, the only time he seems interested in anything sexual is anal sex, which is the least interesting to me. He seems very avoidant of oral sex, and uninterested in messaging me or anything else accept cuddling. I do know he was abused as a young boy so Im sure that affects him now, but he refuses to get help and seems "fine" with our relationship. But its making me feel very unattractive and vulnerable to others if he isnt interested. I really don't want anyone else, but he cant think I can live this way the rest of my life, even if hes fine with it! Also, he has several close guy friends who sometimes say stuff about "gay" places or things, i dont know, and also sometimes when he watches TV he will play with his emmm, bottom area. I really dont know what to make of it all?! -Frustrated, Confused


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## Jessica1 (Nov 29, 2010)

I just wanted to add that my husband was born and lived until his teen years in the middle east in Jordan. He hates the country and the religion but I wonder what this abuse he went through, how it affected him, if it has made him more attracted to men and ruined our chances for a normal marriage?! Anyone from the middle east that has advice? Or gays with advice? thanks!! Just need to vent because I really love him and want us to work out


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

He could be gay, he could be bisexual. im sure his abuse is a huge factor. you will probably never really know. i went through a phase that i thought my H was gay too. sometimes i still wonder but in the end does it really matter? stick with what you do know. you know he's not interested in you. 

You need him to change but does he want to change? What evidence do you have that he wants to change? That's the only thing that matters. If he doesnt want to change, for himself, this will be your marriage. 

You will not change him. You have to be the one to change by setting limits on how much of this neglect you will take. He will bring you down to your lowest point if you continue trying to fix him. I learned this lesson a few years ago. Its a very painful lesson. Learn about boundaries and how to protect your own heart and things will improve for you.


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## Jessica1 (Nov 29, 2010)

Well you know, I used to blame myself, thinking I was not attractive enough etc. But I know that is not true, ive had guys tell me how attractive I am in the past, etc. But you know he acts discusted by female anatomy and I am supposed to accept never having oral. So, I guess I should not give him oral if hes not interested in returning. Also, the only thing he enjoys is intercourse and I don't orgasm with that alone. He said it would help if I shower every time before lovemaking then he may do oral, but u know it makes me feel like im discusting or something. He told me he doesn't like it because hes sensitive to taste and smells and he finds licking where someone goes to the bathroom discusting, lol! Well u know I said I do that when I give a bj. He said well you dont have to! I mean, strange. Actually even plain intercourse hes not really that into, the only time ive seen him turned on is with anal sex. Which is not my favorite. The problem is is that hes not that interested in fulfilling my needs. If Im not interested in intercourse or anal than I guess forget it, no message nothing. I know his abuse is a huge factor. The thing I dont know is did the abuse make him gay or just not into sex? He has refused counseling. I guess the thing now is to just pray, give it time, and search for answers. Its very hard to talk to men about this stuff. Thanks everyone for your support. I really dont believe in divorce but at the same time a woman wants to feel her man is interested in her


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Jessica1 said:


> He said it would help if I shower every time before lovemaking then he may do oral, but u know it makes me feel like im discusting or something. He told me he doesn't like it because hes sensitive to taste and smells and he finds licking where someone goes to the bathroom discusting, lol!


Washing your genitals before sex is an Arab custom. A good idea in a way but it does take some of the spontaneity out of it.

I think you have to make clear to him that he needs to get help. It is his duty as a husband and he needs to know that.


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## samiam7 (Nov 11, 2010)

jamesa said:


> Washing your genitals before sex is an Arab custom. A good idea in a way but it does take some of the spontaneity out of it.
> 
> I think you have to make clear to him that he needs to get help. It is his duty as a husband and he needs to know that.


We almost always take a shower before oral fun. Sometimes we use
Wet wipes to clean the genitals if shower is not 
an option. 
I have been trying to get my wife to shower 
every night before sleeping as I need to always
have oral on the menu.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

samiam7 said:


> We almost always take a shower before oral fun. Sometimes we use
> Wet wipes to clean the genitals if shower is not
> an option.
> I have been trying to get my wife to shower
> ...


Lucky wife! I'd shower three times a day if my husband made me that offer.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

Ok it does sound like he has some issues. Although I'm going to say I personally believe his biggest issue is that he won't talk to you and be open with you. But here is my take if it not a "gay thing" there are other reasons a man could be acting the way you described. First off, washing your genitals is not an outlandish request, if you think about it it makes a lot of sense. Sorry if TMI, but my dh loves it when i suck/lick his balls, but after he's worked all day ugh dude go wash your sh** before i'm going anywhere near. Also, lets just be honest, is he blessed in the size department? or is he below average? the only reason i am asking this is because i have dealt with two men in past relationships that weren't that big, maybe slightly less than average, and both of them had self esteem issues about their performance. for my ex dh that meant we almost never had sex, like you i had to beg and demand it, i found porn, he even kept lube for his "business" and tried to tell me he was tired, had headaches etc etc. when it all came to an end and i left, it wasn't solely bc of lack of sex but i was honest with him and told him that was part of the reason. i had been with him for 7 yrs, only to have sex like once a month, sometimes longer. he at that point told me he felt like he wasn't "big enough" and didn't satisfy me, and he could never make me come so he felt like there was no point. i thought sex was fine, i felt like if we had more sex it would've gotten better. ok, fastforward to my next relationship, he was an addict of many things, drinking, drugs, and also sex. i will admit he wasn't that big, but i will also say he was the BEST i'd EVER EVER had to this day he still is, shhh don't tell dh lol. but he was obsessed with anal too, bc he said since he wasn't very large it felt better to him bc it was tighter. even guys that are well endowed like anal bc it is alot tighter and from what i hear feels amazing. some men can handle none, some men occasionally, and i think some men become obsessed. i've also dabbled in anal play with men, and i don't mean on me, i mean on them...it doesn't mean they are gay. it is a very sensitive area, and feels wonderful for them if they are open to trying it. but so many people feel like men aren't allowed to do that unless they are gay. depending on the type of abuse he went through he may already know it "feels good", not saying he asked for the abuse or liked it, but we cannot always control what feels good to our bodies, and he may feel ashamed and/or embarassed that he does like it. if he likes it he probably, most likely doesn't feel comfortable expressing it to you or asking you for it so therefore he does it to himself. maybe you should bring it up, see if he takes the bait. i personally am willing to do "almost" anything to satisfy my partner sexually, if that means i dress up like a french maid, cheerleader, or participate in anal play...the important thing is for the two of you to find ways to be intimate with each other. the next time he's watching porn, go in there naked and start touching yourself, tell him if you aren't having sex, you are going to "play" right along with him. tell him you are open to any of his fantasies, and you wanna try something new, see if he has any ideas. make him feel secure when you are with him, tell him how much you love his di**, the way it feels, tastes, etc... if none of this works...i dunno.


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## Jessica1 (Nov 29, 2010)

Well, he definitely doesn't have a "size" problem. He's huge. Iv'e never had a guy so big. Iv'e offered to do anal play with him and such but he says it's not a big turn on with him. The only time iv'e seen him turned on with me is if he is doing anal with me which is the least enjoyable for me. Also, hes into facials, which for me is also least enjoyable. So, emm..maybe we have very different styles. But the thing is I just don't sense he is sexually interested in me as far as being "turned on". He says nothing interest him sexually anymore since he moved from Italy to the States. He says neither a guy or a gal interests him. He doesn't know what is wrong and is not interested in counseling. This puts me as his spouse in a tough situation. Because iv'e had many men say I am very beautiful but my husband makes me feel like I am disgusting by not being turned on with me. He is very affectionate, likes to cuddle, etc. But as far as being turned on, I don't see it. So for me, I am open to experiment, but he's not even interested. It puts me in a vulnerable place and I don't want to cheat on him believe me. But at the same time, I feel like I only have so many years left of being attractive as I'm in my late 30's and I want to enjoy a good sex life. I want to feel pretty, etc. You know. I can't imagine loving someone but not having them interested in me the rest of my life. Lately he is not only doing porno but has been on "yahoo pulse" a lot looking at dirty profiles and I don't know what else people do on there, but it makes me wonder if he's caming with real people. That would be upsetting. Not sure what to do and feeling lonely. Anyways, thanks everyone for letting me vent!


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## drock (Dec 4, 2010)

Hey Jessica,
It sounds to me like there might be something hidden going on. I can only offer an opinion as to what I think it may be but I will keep that to myself as to not add to any confusion you may have. However, what you MUST do (I believe) is what someone else here mentioned is sit down and have an honest and sincere conversation about it. I know its easier said than done but it's a must. I had a similar issue with my wife where the roles were reversed as far as wanting to have sex and I can sense that her problem stems from molestation but she won't admit it. However, I see how it manifests itself in the bedroom. Ultimately it has brought us to an end in our relationship even though I still have love for her. 
Hope you can resolve your situation sooner than later.


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