# Communication



## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

My wife and I have been married for 19 years. She is 47 and I am 65.
I retired a few years back and we downsized our home and relocated to a seaside town.
I suffer with incontinence and my sex drive has all but flown the nest.
Because of the issues I have when we moved we agreed to sleeping apart as it made complete sense as my wife needed her sleep as she is still a worker.
Since we have slept apart we have grown apart!
My incontinence now irritates her and she regrets us moving.
She often goes back to where we used to live at weekends or rather she did!
My wife has joined a gym and it has helped her in as much as she has lost weight and seems so much happier.
A few weeks back she was getting ready to go to the gym and she said she will be late home as a few 'friends' had invited her out for a drink.
My suspicions were raised as she took so long to get ready and instead of her usual joggers she wore a skirt and heels!
She returned well after dark.
The next day I asked how the day before had gone and she said fine. I asked what restaurant they went to and she said 'we didn't eat'!
I let it go but now twice a week she 'visits the gym' in heels full make up and returns home late!
Because we barely talk how do I move forward? A letter or just leave it as it is?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wow, not suspicious at all 🙄

I wouldn't confront her at all, when suspicious, show that you trust her completely, then investigate while her guard is down.


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## PetrolHead (9 mo ago)

Ramblingman said:


> My wife and I have been married for 19 years. She is 47 and I am 65.
> I retired a few years back and we downsized our home and relocated to a seaside town.
> I suffer with incontinence and my sex drive has all but flown the nest.
> Because of the issues I have when we moved we agreed to sleeping apart as it made complete sense as my wife needed her sleep as she is still a worker.
> ...


So her wearing a skirt and high heels is a reason to believe she is having an affair? 
How often did she wear a skirt before your suspicions were aroused?

Sorry to be personal but were you ever active sexually with her?


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Wow, not suspicious at all 🙄
> 
> I wouldn't confront her at all, when suspicious, show that you trust her completely, then investigate while her guard is down.


I honestly don't think she believes I am suspicious. We now only have the one car which she uses so not sure how I can invstigate?
I rarely go far due to my predicament.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ramblingman said:


> My wife and I have been married for 19 years. She is 47 and I am 65.
> I retired a few years back and we downsized our home and relocated to a seaside town.
> I suffer with incontinence and my sex drive has all but flown the nest.
> Because of the issues I have when we moved we agreed to sleeping apart as it made complete sense as my wife needed her sleep as she is still a worker.
> ...


Man, you already know the answer. Hang in there.


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

PetrolHead said:


> So her wearing a skirt and high heels is a reason to believe she is having an affair?
> How often did she wear a skirt before your suspicions were aroused?
> 
> Sorry to be personal but were you ever active sexually with her?


Yes I believe it is as why would someone 'dress up' to go to a gym when you will get sweaty and then take a shower?
She returns with make up still on and in the same clothes as she does not take a bag!
She has not worn skirts or shoes with heels for years!

She left this morning wearing new clothes and said 'don't wait up'! That was 10am!!!!


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Man, you already know the answer. Hang in there.


I think your right but I dread living alone and I am now thinking if it is just an affair then so be it.

I cannot supply what she obviously craves. When we met the age difference was big but I was so much fitter! Now since my spinal injury I use a stick and can barely walk 100 yards! She if anything has got fitter and looks even better!!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ramblingman said:


> I think your right but I dread living alone and I am now thinking if it is just an affair then so be it.
> 
> I cannot supply what she obviously craves. When we met the age difference was big but I was so much fitter! Now since my spinal injury I use a stick and can barely walk 100 yards! She if anything has got fitter and looks even better!!!


You have a lot to work through no doubt. What do you do when you see and talk with her?


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You have a lot to work through no doubt. What do you do when you see and talk with her?


Actually we don't talk that much anymore.
She is always 'proccupied' in her phone/social media and even my health she no longer seems bothered about. She will drive me to my appointments but waits in the car.
I try not to irritate her but whatever I say I do!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ramblingman said:


> Actually we don't talk that much anymore.
> She is always 'proccupied' in her phone/social media and even my health she no longer seems bothered about. She will drive me to my appointments but waits in the car.
> I try not to irritate her but whatever I say I do!


At this point stop trying to not irritate her. Best bet is to redirect your finances away from her care and towards setting up your complete independence.


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> At this point stop trying to not irritate her. Best bet is to redirect your finances away from her care and towards setting up your complete independence.


She has her own income but the house is split.

Do I just ask her straight out?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ramblingman said:


> She has her own income but the house is split.
> 
> Do I just ask her straight out?


She's made her choice clear. Sever your finances including selling the house. You need to build your own separate life now. Or one day you'll find she found a way to do so that benefits only her. She's shown you her choice.


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> She's made her choice clear. Sever your finances including selling the house. You need to build your own separate life now. Or one day you'll find she found a way to do so that benefits only her. She's shown you her choice.


OK so not even mention my suspicions?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ramblingman said:


> OK so not even mention my suspicions?


Edited: responded to wrong thread


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

I don't know any of what you say? She never stays overnight.

My fear is I hate the idea of living alone even though we barely see each other


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

She's definitely sleeping with someone else. Put a GPS on the car and look through her phone. I'm sure you'll find the answers.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If the fear of being alone is greater than the fear of her having an affair then you won’t say anything. But it likely won’t be the last time that happens.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> She's made her choice clear. Sever your finances including selling the house. You need to build your own separate life now. Or one day you'll find she found a way to do so that benefits only her. She's shown you her choice.


She knows her that going to a gym dressed for a bar raises red flags, but she doesn't care. That's a bad sign. Kinds of sums it up.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ramblingman said:


> I don't know any of what you say? She never stays overnight.
> 
> My fear is I hate the idea of living alone even though we barely see each other


My error. The affair with neighbor was a different thread 👍


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ramblingman said:


> I honestly don't think she believes I am suspicious. We now only have the one car which she uses so not sure how I can invstigate?
> I rarely go far due to my predicament.


Like others mentioned, GPS, check her phone, put a VAR on it, or better yet, just hire a PI, you know her schedule, it's almost too easy.



Ramblingman said:


> I think your right but I dread living alone and I am now thinking if it is just an affair then so be it.
> 
> I cannot supply what she obviously craves. When we met the age difference was big but I was so much fitter! Now since my spinal injury I use a stick and can barely walk 100 yards! She if anything has got fitter and looks even better!!!


If you want to open up your relationship you do it with a foundation of trust, not this.



Ramblingman said:


> Do I just ask her straight out?


No 🤦‍♂️ 



Ramblingman said:


> She never stays overnight.


She doesn't need to if she wants to do something inappropriate.


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## PetrolHead (9 mo ago)

Ramblingman said:


> Yes I believe it is as why would someone 'dress up' to go to a gym when you will get sweaty and then take a shower?
> She returns with make up still on and in the same clothes as she does not take a bag!
> She has not worn skirts or shoes with heels for years!
> 
> She left this morning wearing new clothes and said 'don't wait up'! That was 10am!!!!


It sounds like she wants her cake and more!
I guarantee she is having an affair and up to you what you do but she doesn't deserve you!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why not just discuss how you’ve been feeling? She could be having an affair or getting attention elsewhere but either way, you should be able to talk with each other about your feelings. I think it’s good to do some “investigating” but if you can’t have conversations about important issues, then your marriage is at risk for ending.

Hoping you both can find your way back to each other but it takes two. She has to be willing to talk with you and listen to what you have to say. Don’t be afraid to take a step towards bringing up these feelings.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ramblingman said:


> I think your right but I dread living alone and I am now thinking if it is just an affair then so be it.
> 
> I cannot supply what she obviously craves. When we met the age difference was big but I was so much fitter! Now since my spinal injury I use a stick and can barely walk 100 yards! She if anything has got fitter and looks even better!!!


I see you point...

I do.

Every healthy person needs a sexual life.
She is still young at 47, and she wants one.

Bad luck and fate has taken you away from having intimacy.

I get it, you cannot provide it.

She seems, otherwise an acceptable partner, is this the case?

....................................................

In your case, it is either, look the other way, and let her have a secret intimate life, or expose and divorce.

Tough call.

Oh yeah, she is very likely not being faithful, she is cheating.

I too hope, she keeps this affair on the side, and does not dump you.

I wish you the best , you will need it.

It is a rare thing for this _Avatar_ to condone cheating.
This _might_ be the exception.

I leave open the possibility that we could be wrong on, looking the other way.
Time will tell.


_Are Dee-_


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ramblingman said:


> I honestly don't think she believes I am suspicious. We now only have the one car which she uses so not sure how I can invstigate?
> I rarely go far due to my predicament.


Get a PI to follow her on her nights out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think the important thing to do here is to see a lawyer to protect your property and financial rights and entitlements.

I suspect this goes beyond a simple affair of having a hook up with Sven From Yoga after yoga class. 

I suspect she is developing a whole separate life and moving on in a number of ways. 

The question is whether she is feathering another nest and is planning on outright leaving you and moving on without looking back.

Or whether she has found some side hussle and at least for now intends to remain legally married and living with you in the legal sense while getting her social and sexual needs me elsewhere. 

In either case, you need to protect your assets and entitlements in case she at some does decide to split completely.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This might seem harsh but I think she is obviously cheating "going to the gym" in full makeup and dressed for a date, means she is going on a date. Sadly this has happened to two guys on my street. Married women (both second marriages) 20 years younger than them, guys got elderly, with old guy problems, the wives got bored and were no longer attracted to their now elderly husbands. The hot younger wife is great while you're still relatively young, not so fun when you get old and she is still relatively young.

I think this is a moment of decision based on grabbing hold of your self respect and ask are you going to allow yourself to be treated like this. Get hard proof if you need it, but no one deserves to be so callously disregarded.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

OP, besides the obvious points that she is having an affair there is one more thing to consider.

She may very well be moments away from leaving you for this other man.

You might think you simply ignore this and let her do her thing… and you could be right. Or you could wake up one day to an empty house.

Do you want to wait for that? Are you protected against that financially? Could she empty your bank account while you sleep?


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

Things are different now! We still are 'apart' but she is at home more now.
We just muddle along!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ramblingman said:


> Things are different now! We still are 'apart' but she is at home more now.
> We just muddle along!


Don't accept this. Get a PI to follow her on some of her nights out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In other words, that situation ran its course. Be aware another is likely.


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## Ramblingman (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> In other words, that situation ran its course. Be aware another is likely.


I am afraid you are correct!

I have become friendly with a lady who walks her dog in the park. We get along so well. She is a widow and strangely I hadn't mentioned my wife until about a week ago. I could tell that she was a bit let downand so I follwed it up with the story that we are kind of separated and that my wife has been having an affair for sometime. (I did not mention my health issue!)
Anyway yesterday we met and then walked to the shops as I offered to buy her a coffee!
As we sat chatting and enjoying the drinks I spotted my wife's car with 'him' driving! I did not say a word but when I got home there was a note! It read 'I need space and cannot understand my attitude which is unfair so will be staying with a friend until Sunday' My attitude was that she spends more time 'dressing up' then she does talking to me! I did say some horrible things about the way she dresses!

I sent her a message saying this is now unfair and we need to talk as I saw you in the car with your 'ex'!

Needless to say she has not replied!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

So sad to read about men that that in order to keep company, any type of company prefer to toss aside their pride, their self-respect, their dignity. men that prefer to hang up their balls rather than be a man. Whether I could or not have sex any more with any woman that would not be reason enough for me to suffer the ignominy of being reluctantly an accepting cuckold.


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